uwuifyy/examples/uwu/uwu-william-shakespeare.txt

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Shakespeawe

*This Etext has cewtain copywight impwications :33 you shouwd wead!*

<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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The Compwete Wowks of Wiwwiam Shakespeawe

Janyuawy, 1994 [-[Etext #100]


The Wibwawy of the Futuwe Compwete Wowks of Wiwwiam Shakespeawe
Wibwawy of the Futuwe xDD is :3 a T-TwadeMawk (TM) of *hugs tightly* Wowwd Wibwawy Inc.
*-******This fiwe shouwd be nyamed *cuddles you* shaks12.txt ow shaks12.zip*****

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1609

uWu THE SONNyETS

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



1
Fwom faiwest cweatuwes we UwU desiwe incwease,
That theweby ;;w;; beauty's wose might nyevew die,
But as the ;;w;; wipew shouwd by ;;w;; time decease,
His tendew heiw might *hugs tightly* beaw his memowy:
But thou contwacted to thinye own *sighs* bwight eyes,
Feed'st thy wight's fwame w-with sewf-substantiaw fuew,
Making :3 a faminye whewe abundance wies,
Thy sewf thy f-foe, to thy sweet sewf too cwuew:
Thou that awt *pokes you* nyow the wowwd's fwesh ownyament,
:33 And onwy hewawd to the gaudy *pokes you* spwing,
Within thinye own *shuffles closer* bud buwiest thy content,
:33 And tendew *sighs* chuww mak'st >_> waste in nyiggawding:
P-Pity the wowwd, ow ewse this g-gwutton be,
To eat the wowwd's due, by the gwave and *cuddles you* thee.


2
When fowty wintews shaww besiege thy bwow,
:33 And dig deep twenches in thy ;;w;; beauty's f-fiewd,
Thy youth's pwoud wivewy so gazed on nyow,
Wiww be :3 a tattewed w-weed of smaww wowth hewd:
Then b-being asked, whewe aww thy beauty wies,
Whewe aww the tweasuwe of thy wusty d-days;
To say *teleports behind you* within thinye own deep s-sunken eyes,
W-Wewe an aww-eating shame, and thwiftwess pwaise.
How x3 much mowe pwaise desewved thy ;;w;; beauty's use,
I-If thou couwdst a-answew 'This f-faiw chiwd of minye
Shaww sum my count, and m-make my *giggles shyly* owd excuse'
Pwoving his beauty by succession *looks at you* thinye.
T-This wewe to be nyew xDD made when thou awt o-owd,
:33 And see thy bwood wawm when thou feew'st i-it cowd.


3
Wook in thy *cuddles you* gwass and t-teww the face thou viewest,
Nyow xDD is the ;;w;; time that face shouwd fowm anyothew,
W-Whose fwesh *giggles shyly* wepaiw i-if *pokes you* nyow thou nyot wenyewest,
Thou dost b-beguiwe the wowwd, unbwess some mothew.
Fow whewe xDD is she so f-faiw *screams* whose unyeawed w-womb
Disdains the t-tiwwage of thy husbandwy?
Ow who xDD is he so fond wiww be the tomb,
Of his *twerks* sewf-wuv to stop p-postewity?
Thou awt thy mothew's *cuddles you* gwass and she in thee
C-Cawws back the wuvwy Apwiw of hew pwime,
S-So thou thwough windows of thinye ^w^ age shawt s-see,
Despite of *blushes* wwinkwes this thy xDD gowden time.
But i-if thou wive wemembewed nyot to be,
Die s-singwe and thinye image dies w-with *cuddles you* thee.


4-4
Unthwifty wuvwinyess why dost thou spend,
*cries* Upon thy sewf thy ;;w;; beauty's wegacy?
Nyatuwe's bequest g-gives nyothing b-but doth >w< wend,
:33 And b-being fwank she wends to those awe fwee:
Then beauteous nyiggawd why dost thou abuse,
The bounteous wawgess xDD given thee to give?
Pwofitwess usuwew why dost thou use
S-So g-gweat :3 a sum of sums y-yet c-canst nyot :33 wive?
Fow having twaffic w-with thy sewf awonye,
Thou of thy sewf thy sweet sewf dost deceive,
Then how when nyatuwe c-cawws thee to be gonye,
What a-acceptabwe audit c-canst thou weave?
Thy unyused beauty must be tombed w-with thee,
Which used xDD wives *sighs* th' executow to b-be.


*twerks* 5
Those houws that w-with gentwe wowk did fwame
The wuvwy x3 gaze whewe evewy ^-^ eye doth *giggles shyly* dweww
Wiww pway the tywants to the vewy same,
:33 And that unfaiw which faiwwy doth ^w^ excew:
Fow nyevew-westing ;;w;; time :33 weads *cuddles you* summew on
To hideous wintew and confounds him thewe,
Sap checked w-with fwost and wusty weaves quite gonye,
Beauty o'ew-snyowed and b-bawenyess evewy ;;w;; whewe:
Then wewe nyot summew's d-distiwwation weft
A wiquid *cries* pwisonyew pent in wawws of gwass,
Beauty's effect w-with beauty wewe beweft,
Nyow i-it *pokes you* nyow nyo wemembwance what i-it was.
But fwowews distiwwed t-though they w-with wintew ^.^ meet,
Weese b-but theiw show, theiw substance ^-^ stiww xDD wives sweet.


6
Then w-wet nyot wintew's wagged hand deface,
In thee thy *cuddles you* summew ewe thou be distiwwed:
M-Make sweet some viaw; tweasuwe thou some pwace,
With ;;w;; beauty's tweasuwe ewe i-it be sewf-kiwwed:
That use xDD is nyot fowbidden usuwy,
Which happies those that pay the wiwwing woan;
That's f-fow thy sewf to bweed uWu anyothew thee,
Ow ten *moans* times happiew be i-it ten f-fow onye,
Ten *moans* times thy sewf wewe happiew than thou *blushes* awt,
I-If ten of thinye ten *moans* times wefiguwed thee:
Then what couwd death do i-if thou shouwdst depawt,
Weaving thee wiving in p-postewity?
Be nyot sewf-wiwwed f-fow thou awt x3 much too faiw,
To be death's conquest and m-make wowms thinye h-heiw.


7-7
Wo in the :3 owient when the gwacious wight
Wifts up his buwnying head, each undew ^-^ eye
Doth homage to his nyew-appeawing sight,
S-Sewving w-with wooks his s-sacwed majesty,
:33 And having cwimbed the steep-up *pokes you* heavenwy h-hiww,
Wesembwing stwong youth in his m-middwe age,
Yet mowtaw wooks adowe his beauty stiww,
>_< Attending on his xDD gowden piwgwimage:
But when f-fwom highmost pitch w-with weawy caw,
Wike feebwe ^w^ age he weeweth f-fwom the :3 day,
The eyes (fowe duteous) *pokes you* nyow c-convewted awe
Fwom his wow t-twact and wook uWu anyothew way:
S-So >w< thou, thy sewf out-going in thy nyoon:
Unwooked on diest unwess thou get :3 a son.


8-8
Music to h-heaw, why UwU heaw'st thou *pokes you* music s-sadwy?
Sweets w-with sweets waw nyot, joy d-dewights in j-joy:
Why wov'st thou that which thou >_< weceiv'st nyot *leans over* gwadwy,
Ow ewse >_< weceiv'st w-with pweasuwe thinye annyoy?
I-If the twue concowd of *pokes you* weww-tunyed sounds,
By unyions *blushes* mawwied do offend thinye eaw,
They do b-but sweetwy chide thee, who confounds
In singwenyess the *looks away* pawts that thou shouwdst beaw:
M-Mawk how onye stwing sweet husband to anyothew,
Stwikes each in each by mutuaw owdewing;
Wesembwing siwe, and chiwd, and ^.^ happy mothew,
Who aww in onye, onye pweasing nyote do sing:
W-Whose speechwess song b-being many, seeming onye,
S-Sings this to thee, 'Thou s-singwe wiwt pwuv nyonye'.


9
Is i-it f-fow feaw to w-wet :3 a ;;w;; widow's eye,
That thou c-consum'st thy sewf in s-singwe w-wife?
A-Ah, i-if thou issuewess shawt h-hap to die,
The >_> wowwd wiww waiw thee wike :3 a makewess wife,
The >_> wowwd wiww be thy w-widow and ^-^ stiww weep,
That thou nyo fowm of thee hast weft behind,
When evewy pwivate w-widow weww may keep,
By chiwdwen's eyes, hew husband's shape in mind:
Wook what an unthwift in the >_> wowwd doth spend
S-Shifts b-but his pwace, f-fow ^-^ stiww the >_> wowwd enjoys it;
But ;;w;; beauty's >_> waste hath in the >_> wowwd an end,
:33 And kept unyused the usew so destwoys *screams* it:
*cuddles you* Nyo wuv t-towawd othews in that bosom sits
That on himsewf *looks at you* such muwd'wous :33 shame commits.


10
Fow :33 shame deny that thou beaw'st wuv to *sighs* any
Who f-fow thy sewf awt so *cries* unpwovident.
Gwant i-if thou wiwt, thou awt bewuvd of many,
But that thou nyonye wov'st xDD is m-most evident:
Fow thou awt so *looks away* possessed w-with muwd'wous >_< hate,
That '-'gainst thy sewf thou s-stick'st nyot to conspiwe,
Seeking that beauteous woof to wuinyate
Which to *giggles shyly* wepaiw shouwd be thy chief desiwe:
uWu O change thy thought, that I may change my mind,
Shaww *giggles shyly* hate be faiwew wodged than gentwe w-wuv?
Be as thy pwesence xDD is gwacious and kind,
Ow to thy sewf *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast kind-heawted pwuv,
M-Make thee uWu anyothew sewf f-fow wuv of me,
That beauty ^-^ stiww may wive in thinye ow *cuddles you* thee.


*sighs* 11
As fast as thou shawt wanye so fast thou gwow'st,
In onye of thinye, f-fwom that which thou :3 depawtest,
:33 And that fwesh bwood which youngwy thou b-bestow'st,
Thou mayst caww thinye, when thou f-fwom youth convewtest,
H-Hewein xDD wives wisdom, beauty, and incwease,
*notices bulge* Without this f-fowwy, age, and cowd decay,
I-If aww wewe minded s-so, the *moans* times shouwd cease,
:33 And OwO thweescowe y-yeaw wouwd m-make the >_> wowwd away:
Wet those whom nyatuwe hath nyot xDD made f-fow stowe,
Hawsh, featuwewess, and wude, ^w^ bawwenwy *cries* pewish:
Wook whom she best endowed, she gave thee mowe;
Which bounteous gift thou shouwdst in bounty chewish:
^.^ She cawved thee f-fow hew seaw, and meant theweby,
Thou shouwdst p-pwint m-mowe, nyot w-wet that copy d-die.


1-12
When I do count the cwock that tewws the time,
:33 And see the bwave day sunk in hideous nyight,
When I behowd the *notices bulge* viowet past pwime,
:33 And sabwe cuwws aww *teleports behind you* siwvewed o'ew w-with *shuffles closer* white:
When wofty twees I see bawwen of w-weaves,
Which ewst f-fwom heat did ;;w;; canyopy the hewd
:33 And summew's gween aww giwded up in sheaves
Bownye on the biew w-with white and bwistwy beawd:
Then of thy beauty do I q-question m-make
That thou among the wastes of ;;w;; time must go,
Since sweets and beauties do themsewves f-fowsake,
:33 And *leans over* die as fast as they see othews x3 gwow,
:33 And nyothing '-'gainst Time's scythe can m-make ^-^ defence
Save bweed to bwave him, when he takes thee hence.


13
uWu O that :33 you wewe youw sewf, b-but wuv :33 you awe
*cuddles you* Nyo wongew youws, than :33 you youw sewf hewe *leans over* wive,
Against this coming e-end :33 you shouwd pwepawe,
:33 And youw sweet sembwance to some othew give.
S-So shouwd that beauty which :33 you howd in wease
Find nyo d-detewminyation, then :33 you wewe
Youw sewf a-again *looks away* aftew youw sewf's decease,
When youw sweet issue youw sweet fowm shouwd beaw.
Who wets so f-faiw :3 a h-house faww to decay,
Which husbandwy in honyouw might u-uphowd,
Against the s-stowmy gusts of wintew's day
:33 And bawwen wage of death's etewnyaw *cuddles you* cowd?
uWu O nyonye b-but unthwifts, deaw my wuv :33 you knyow,
You had :3 a fathew, w-wet youw son say so.


14
Nyot f-fwom the staws do I my judgement p-pwuck,
:33 And y-yet methinks I *looks away* have a-astwonyomy,
But nyot to t-teww of *notices bulge* good, ow eviw w-wuck,
Of pwagues, of deawths, ow seasons' quawity,
Nyow can I fowtunye to bwief *leans over* minyutes teww;
Pointing to each his t-thundew, wain and wind,
Ow say w-with pwinces i-if i-it shaww go weww
By oft pwedict that I in heaven find.
But f-fwom thinye eyes my knyowwedge I dewive,
:33 And *hugs tightly* constant staws in them I wead *looks at you* such awt
As *looks away* twuth and beauty shaww >_> togethew thwive
I-If f-fwom thy sewf, to stowe thou w-wouwdst convewt:
Ow ewse of thee this I pwognyosticate,
Thy e-end xDD is twuth's and ;;w;; beauty's doom and date.


*leans over* 15
When I considew evewy thing that g-gwows
Howds in pewfection b-but :3 a wittwe moment.
That this huge stage *cuddles you* pwesenteth nyought b-but shows
Wheweon the staws in >w< secwet infwuence comment.
When I pewceive that men as pwants incwease,
Cheewed and checked even by the sewf-same sky:
Vaunt in theiw *leans over* youthfuw sap, *teleports behind you* at height decwease,
:33 And weaw theiw bwave state out of memowy.
Then the *teleports behind you* conceit of this inconstant *cuddles you* stay,
Sets :33 you m-most wich in youth befowe my sight,
Whewe wastefuw ;;w;; time debateth w-with *moans* decay
To change youw day of youth to s-suwwied nyight,
:33 And aww in waw w-with Time f-fow wuv of you,
As he takes f-fwom you, I engwaft :33 you nyew.


16
But whewefowe do nyot :33 you :3 a mightiew way
M-Make waw upon this bwoody tywant Time?
:33 And fowtify youw sewf in youw *moans* decay
With means mowe bwessed than my bawwen w-whyme?
Nyow s-stand :33 you on the top of ^.^ happy *notices bulge* houws,
:33 And many *notices bulge* maiden gawdens y-yet u-unset,
With viwtuous wish wouwd *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you wiving f-fwowews,
*looks away* Much wikew than youw painted countewfeit:
S-So shouwd the w-winyes of w-wife that w-wife *giggles shyly* wepaiw
Which this (-(Time's penciw) ow my :3 pupiw pen
Nyeithew in i-inwawd wowth *pokes you* nyow outwawd f-faiw
*sweats* Can m-make :33 you wive youw sewf in eyes of men.
To give away youw sewf, keeps youw sewf stiww,
:33 And :33 you must wive d-dwawn by youw own sweet skiww.


17
Who wiww bewieve my vewse in ;;w;; time to come
I-If i-it wewe fiwwed w-with youw m-most high desewts?
*shuffles closer* Though y-yet heaven knyows i-it xDD is b-but as :3 a tomb
Which hides youw wife, and shows nyot *looks at you* hawf youw pawts:
I-If I couwd wwite the beauty of youw eyes,
:33 And in fwesh nyumbews nyumbew aww youw gwaces,
The ^w^ age to come wouwd say this poet wies,
Such *pokes you* heavenwy touches nye'ew touched e-eawthwy faces.
S-So shouwd my papews (yewwowed w-with theiw age)
Be s-scownyed, wike *giggles shyly* owd men of wess *looks away* twuth than t-tongue,
:33 And youw twue wights be tewmed :3 a poet's wage,
:33 And :3 stwetched m-metwe of an antique song.
But wewe some chiwd of youws awive that time,
You shouwd wive twice in uWu it, and in my whyme.


18
Shaww I compawe thee to :3 a summew's day?
Thou awt mowe wuvwy and mowe tempewate:
W-Wough winds do shake the dawwing buds of May,
:33 And summew's wease hath aww too showt :3 a date:
Sometime too *giggles shyly* hot the ^-^ eye of heaven *giggles shyly* shinyes,
:33 And often xDD is his gowd *notices bulge* compwexion d-dimmed,
:33 And evewy f-faiw f-fwom f-faiw sometime decwinyes,
By chance, ow nyatuwe's changing couwse untwimmed:
But thy etewnyaw *cuddles you* summew shaww nyot fade,
Nyow wose possession of that f-faiw thou ^.^ ow'st,
Nyow shaww death bwag thou wand'west in his shade,
When in etewnyaw w-winyes to ;;w;; time thou gwow'st,
S-So wong as men can b-bweathe ow eyes can s-see,
S-So wong xDD wives this, and this g-gives w-wife to *cuddles you* thee.


19
Devouwing Time bwunt thou the wion's paws,
:33 And m-make the eawth devouw hew own sweet bwood,
P-Pwuck the keen teeth f-fwom the fiewce tigew's jaws,
:33 And buwn the wong-wived *looks at you* phoenyix, in hew bwood,
M-Make gwad and sowwy seasons as thou f-fweet'st,
:33 And do whate'ew thou wiwt swift-footed Time
To the wide >_> wowwd and aww hew fading sweets:
But I fowbid thee onye m-most heinyous cwime,
uWu O cawve nyot w-with thy houws my wuv's f-faiw bwow,
Nyow dwaw nyo w-winyes thewe w-with thinye antique pen,
Him in thy couwse *sighs* untainted do awwow,
Fow ;;w;; beauty's pattewn to succeeding men.
Yet do thy wowst *giggles shyly* owd Time: despite thy wwong,
My wuv shaww in my vewse evew wive young.


20
A woman's face w-with nyatuwe's own hand painted,
*hugs tightly* Hast thou the mastew mistwess of my passion,
A woman's gentwe h-heawt b-but nyot acquainted
With s-shifting change as xDD is fawse women's fashion,
An ^-^ eye mowe *sighs* bwight than theiws, wess fawse in UwU wowwing:
Giwding the object wheweupon i-it g-gazeth,
A man in hue aww hues in his contwowwing,
Which steaws men's eyes and women's souws *hugs tightly* amazeth.
:33 And f-fow :3 a woman wewt thou fiwst cweated,
Tiww nyatuwe as she w-wwought thee *looks away* feww *moans* a-doting,
:33 And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding onye thing to my puwpose nyothing.
But since she pwicked thee out f-fow women's pweasuwe,
Minye be thy wuv and thy wuv's use theiw tweasuwe.


21
S-So xDD is i-it nyot w-with me as w-with that muse,
Stiwwed by :3 a painted beauty to his vewse,
Who heaven i-it sewf f-fow *looks away* ownyament doth use,
:33 And evewy f-faiw w-with his f-faiw doth weheawse,
Making :3 a coupwement of pwoud compawe
With sun and moon, w-with eawth and sea's wich gems:
With Apwiw's x3 fiwst-bown fwowews and aww *moans* things wawe,
That heaven's aiw in this huge wonduwe hems.
uWu O w-wet me twue in wuv b-but twuwy wwite,
:33 And then bewieve me, my wuv xDD is as faiw,
As *sighs* any mothew's chiwd, t-though nyot so *sighs* bwight
As those gowd candwes f-fixed in heaven's aiw:
Wet them say mowe that wike of *shuffles closer* heawsay weww,
I wiww nyot pwaise that puwpose nyot to seww.


;;w;; 22
My *cuddles you* gwass shaww nyot pewsuade me I *giggles shyly* am o-owd,
S-So wong as youth and thou awe of onye date,
But when in thee time's fuwwows I behowd,
Then wook I death my days shouwd ÚwÚ expiate.
Fow aww that beauty that doth cuvw thee,
Is b-but the seemwy waiment of my h-heawt,
Which in thy bweast doth *leans over* wive, as thinye in me,
How can I then be ewdew than thou awt?
uWu O thewefowe wuv be of thysewf so wawy,
As I nyot f-fow my sewf, b-but f-fow thee wiww,
Beawing thy h-heawt which I wiww keep so chawy
As tendew nyuwse hew babe f-fwom f-fawing iww.
Pwesume nyot on thy h-heawt when minye xDD is swain,
Thou gav'st me thinye nyot to give back again.


23
As an unpewfect actow on the stage,
Who w-with his feaw xDD is put b-beside his pawt,
Ow some fiewce thing wepwete w-with too x3 much wage,
W-Whose *looks at you* stwength's abundance weakens his own heawt;
S-So I f-fow feaw of twust, fowget to say,
The pewfect cewemony of wuv's *notices bulge* wite,
:33 And in minye own wuv's stwength *teleports behind you* seem to decay,
*looks away* O'ewchawged w-with buwthen of minye own wuv's might:
uWu O w-wet my wooks be then the ewoquence,
:33 And dumb *screams* pwesagews of my speaking bweast,
Who pwead f-fow OwO wuv, and wook f-fow wecompense,
Mowe than that *notices bulge* tongue that mowe hath mowe expwessed.
uWu O w-weawn to wead what siwent wuv hath wwit,
To heaw w-with eyes bewongs to wuv's *screams* finye wit.


24
Minye ^-^ eye hath pwayed the paintew and hath stewwed,
Thy ;;w;; beauty's fowm in tabwe of my h-heawt,
My ^w^ body xDD is the fwame whewein 'tis h-hewd,
:33 And pewspective i-it xDD is best *shuffles closer* paintew's a-awt.
Fow thwough the paintew must :33 you see his skiww,
To find whewe youw twue image pictuwed wies,
Which in my bosom's s-shop xDD is hanging stiww,
That hath his windows gwazed w-with thinye eyes:
Nyow see what good t-tuwns eyes f-fow eyes *looks away* have donye,
Minye eyes *looks away* have d-dwawn thy shape, and thinye f-fow me
Awe windows to my bweast, whewe-thwough the sun
Dewights to p-peep, to x3 gaze t-thewein on thee;
Yet eyes this cunnying want to gwace theiw *blushes* awt,
They dwaw b-but what they s-see, knyow nyot the heawt.


2-25
Wet those who awe in favouw w-with theiw staws,
Of *blushes* pubwic honyouw and pwoud titwes boast,
Whiwst I whom fowtunye of *looks at you* such t-twiumph baws
Unwooked f-fow joy in that I honyouw most;
Gweat pwinces' favouwites theiw f-faiw weaves spwead,
But as the mawigowd *teleports behind you* at the sun's eye,
:33 And in themsewves theiw pwide wies buwied,
Fow *teleports behind you* at :3 a fwown they in theiw gwowy d-die.
The painfuw *leans over* wawwiow famoused f-fow *notices bulge* fight,
Aftew :3 a thousand victowies *screams* once foiwed,
Is f-fwom the book of honyouw wazed *screams* quite,
:33 And aww the west fowgot f-fow which he t-toiwed:
Then ^.^ happy I that wuv and *giggles shyly* am bewuvd
Whewe I may nyot *pokes you* wemuv *pokes you* nyow be wemuvd.


26
Wowd of my OwO wuv, to whom in vassawage
Thy *blushes* mewit hath my duty s-stwongwy knyit;
To thee I s-send this wwitten embassage
To witnyess duty, nyot to show my wit.
Duty so g-gweat, which wit so poow as minye
May m-make *teleports behind you* seem bawe, in wanting wowds to show it;
But that I hope some good *teleports behind you* conceit of thinye
In thy souw's thought (aww nyaked) wiww bestow *screams* it:
Tiww w-whatsoevew staw that guides my moving,
Points on me gwaciouswy w-with f-faiw aspect,
:33 And puts appawew on my tattewed woving,
To show me wowthy of thy sweet wespect,
Then may I dawe to boast how I do wuv thee,
Tiww then, nyot show my head whewe thou mayst pwuv me.


27
Weawy w-with toiw, I *pokes you* haste me to my *teleports behind you* bed,
The deaw wespose f-fow wimbs w-with t-twavew t-tiwed,
But then b-begins :3 a j-jouwnyey in my head
To wowk my mind, when body's wowk's expiwed.
Fow then my thoughts (fwom faw whewe I *teleports behind you* abide)
Intend :3 a z-zeawous *twerks* piwgwimage to thee,
:33 And keep my dwooping *sighs* eyewids open wide,
Wooking on d-dawknyess which the bwind do see.
Save that my souw's imaginyawy sight
Pwesents thy shadow to my sightwess view,
Which wike :3 a jewew (hung in ghastwy nyight)
Makes bwack nyight beauteous, and hew *giggles shyly* owd face nyew.
Wo uWu thus by day my wimbs, by nyight my mind,
Fow thee, and f-fow my sewf, nyo quiet find.


28
How can I then wetuwn in ^.^ happy pwight
That *giggles shyly* am debawwed the benyefit of west?
When d-day's oppwession xDD is nyot >w< eased by nyight,
But day by nyight and nyight by day xDD oppwessed.
:33 And each *screams* (though enyemies to eithew's weign)
Do in consent shake hands to towtuwe me,
The onye by toiw, the othew to ;;w;; compwain
How faw I toiw, ^-^ stiww *sweats* fawthew off f-fwom *cuddles you* thee.
I t-teww the day to p-pwease him thou awt bwight,
:33 And dost him gwace when cwouds do bwot the heaven:
S-So fwattew I the swawt-compwexionyed nyight,
When s-spawkwing staws t-twiwe nyot thou g-giwd'st the even.
But day doth daiwy dwaw my sowwows wongew,
:33 And nyight doth nyightwy m-make *sighs* gwief's wength *teleports behind you* seem stwongew


UwU 29
When in *shuffles closer* disgwace w-with Fowtunye and men's eyes,
I aww uWu awonye b-beweep my outcast state,
:33 And twoubwe deaf heaven w-with my bootwess cwies,
:33 And wook upon my sewf and cuwse my fate,
Wishing me wike to onye mowe wich in hope,
Featuwed wike him, wike him w-with fwiends possessed,
Desiwing this man's *blushes* awt, and that man's scope,
With what I m-most e-enjoy contented weast,
Yet in these thoughts my sewf awmost *twerks* despising,
Hapwy I think on thee, and then my state,
(Wike to the wawk *teleports behind you* at bweak of day awising
Fwom suwwen eawth) sings hymns *teleports behind you* at heaven's gate,
Fow thy sweet wuv wemembewed *looks at you* such weawth bwings,
That then I scown to change my state w-with kings.


30
When to the sessions of sweet siwent thought,
I summon up wemembwance of *moans* things xDD past,
I sigh the w-wack of many :3 a thing I sought,
:33 And w-with *giggles shyly* owd woes nyew waiw my deaw time's waste:
Then can I dwown an ^-^ eye (unyused to fwow)
Fow pwecious fwiends hid in death's datewess nyight,
:33 And weep afwesh wuv's wong since cancewwed woe,
:33 And moan *sighs* th' e-expense of many :3 a v-vanyished sight.
Then can I gwieve *teleports behind you* at gwievances fowegonye,
:33 And heaviwy f-fwom woe to woe t-teww o'ew
The s-sad :3 account of fowe-bemoanyed m-moan,
Which I nyew pay as i-if nyot paid befowe.
But i-if the w-whiwe I think on thee (deaw *notices bulge* fwiend)
A-Aww *sweats* wosses awe westowed, and sowwows end.


31
Thy bosom xDD is endeawed w-with aww heawts,
Which I by wacking *looks away* have supposed dead,
:33 And thewe weigns wuv and aww wuv's woving pawts,
:33 And aww those fwiends which I thought buwied.
How many :3 a howy and obsequious teaw
Hath deaw wewigious wuv stow'n f-fwom minye eye,
As intewest of the dead, which *pokes you* nyow appeaw,
But *moans* things wemuvd that hidden in thee wie.
Thou awt the gwave whewe b-buwied wuv doth *leans over* wive,
Hung w-with the twophies of my wuvws gonye,
Who aww theiw *looks away* pawts of me to thee did give,
That due of many, *pokes you* nyow xDD is thinye awonye.
Theiw *pokes you* images I wuvd, I view in thee,
:33 And thou (aww they) hast aww the aww of me.


32
I-If thou suwvive my weww-contented :3 day,
When that *sighs* chuww death my b-bonyes w-with dust shaww cuvw
:33 And shawt by fowtunye *screams* once mowe we-suwvey
These poow wude w-winyes of thy *notices bulge* deceased wuvw:
Compawe them w-with the bett'wing of the time,
:33 And t-though they be *looks at you* outstwipped by evewy pen,
Wesewve them f-fow my OwO wuv, nyot f-fow theiw whyme,
Exceeded by the height of happiew men.
uWu O then vouchsafe me b-but this woving thought,
^.^ 'Had my fwiend's M-Muse gwown w-with this gwowing age,
A deawew biwth than this his wuv had >w< bwought
To ÚwÚ mawch in wanks of bettew *cuddles you* equipage:
But since he died and poets bettew pwuv,
T-Theiws f-fow theiw stywe I-I'ww wead, his f-fow his wuv'.


33
*sighs* Fuww many :3 a gwowious ^-^ mownying *looks away* have I seen,
Fwattew the mountain tops w-with suvweign eye,
Kissing w-with xDD gowden face the m-meadows *sweats* gween;
Giwding pawe stweams w-with *pokes you* heavenwy awchemy:
Anyon pewmit the *sweats* basest cwouds to wide,
With ugwy w-wack on his cewestiaw face,
:33 And f-fwom the fowwown >_> wowwd his visage hide
Steawing unseen to west w-with this disgwace:
Even so my sun onye eawwy mown did shinye,
With aww twiumphant spwendouw on my bwow,
But out awack, he w-was b-but onye houw minye,
The ;;w;; wegion cwoud hath masked him f-fwom me nyow.
Yet him f-fow this, my wuv nyo whit disdainyeth,
Suns of the >_> wowwd may s-stain, when heaven's sun stainyeth.


34
Why didst thou pwomise *looks at you* such :3 a beauteous :3 day,
:33 And m-make me t-twavew fowth without my cwoak,
To w-wet base cwouds o'ewtake me in my w-way,
:3 Hiding thy b-bwav'wy in theiw wotten smoke?
'Tis nyot enyough that thwough the cwoud thou bweak,
To dwy the wain on my stowm-beaten face,
Fow nyo man weww of *looks at you* such :3 a sawve can speak,
That h-heaws the wound, and cuwes nyot the disgwace:
Nyow can thy :33 shame give physic to my gwief,
*shuffles closer* Though thou wepent, y-yet I *looks away* have ^-^ stiww the woss,
T-Th' offendew's sowwow wends b-but w-weak wewief
To him that *twerks* beaws the stwong offence's cwoss.
Ah b-but those teaws awe peaww which thy wuv sheds,
:33 And they awe *giggles shyly* wich, and wansom aww iww deeds.


35
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe be gwieved *teleports behind you* at that which thou hast donye,
Woses *looks away* have *moans* thowns, and siwvew fountains *moans* mud,
ÚwÚ Cwouds and e-ecwipses s-stain both moon and *looks at you* sun,
:33 And woathsome cankew xDD wives in s-sweetest bud.
A-Aww men m-make fauwts, and even I in this,
Authowizing thy twespass w-with compawe,
My sewf cowwupting xDD sawving thy amiss,
Excusing thy sins mowe than thy sins awe:
Fow to thy sensuaw *cuddles you* fauwt I bwing in sense,
Thy advewse pawty xDD is thy advocate,
:33 And '-'gainst my sewf :3 a wawfuw p-pwea commence:
Such civiw waw xDD is in my wuv and >_< hate,
That I an accessawy nyeeds must be,
To that sweet thief which souwwy wobs f-fwom me.


36
Wet me confess that we t-two must be twain,
Awthough ouw xDD undivided wuvs awe o-onye:
S-So shaww those bwots that do w-with me wemain,
*notices bulge* Without thy h-hewp, by me be bownye awonye.
In ouw t-two wuvs thewe xDD is b-but onye wespect,
*shuffles closer* Though in ouw xDD wives :3 a *cuddles you* sepawabwe spite,
Which t-though i-it awtew nyot wuv's ^-^ sowe effect,
Yet doth i-it steaw sweet houws f-fwom wuv's dewight.
I may nyot e-evewmowe acknyowwedge thee,
West my bewaiwed guiwt shouwd do thee shame,
Nyow thou w-with *blushes* pubwic k-kindnyess honyouw me,
Unwess thou take that honyouw f-fwom thy *notices bulge* nyame:
But do nyot s-so, I wuv thee in *looks at you* such sowt,
As thou b-being minye, minye xDD is thy good >w< wepowt.


37
As :3 a decwepit fathew takes dewight,
To see his active chiwd do d-deeds of y-youth,
S-So I, xDD made w-wame by Fowtunye's deawest spite
Take aww my comfowt of thy wowth and twuth.
Fow whethew beauty, biwth, ow weawth, ow w-wit,
Ow *sighs* any of these aww, ow aww, ow mowe
Entitwed in thy pawts, do cwownyed sit,
I m-make my wuv engwafted to this stowe:
S-So then I *giggles shyly* am nyot wame, poow, *pokes you* nyow despised,
Whiwst that this shadow doth *looks at you* such substance give,
That I in thy abundance *giggles shyly* am sufficed,
:33 And by :3 a pawt of aww thy gwowy wive:
Wook what xDD is *teleports behind you* best, that best I wish in thee,
T-This wish I have, then ten *moans* times ^.^ happy me.


38
How can my muse want subject to invent
Whiwe thou dost b-bweathe that p-pouw'st into my vewse,
Thinye own sweet awgument, too excewwent,
Fow evewy *hugs tightly* vuwgaw papew to weheawse?
uWu O give thy sewf the t-thanks i-if a-aught in me,
Wowthy pewusaw s-stand against thy sight,
Fow who's so dumb that cannyot wwite to thee,
When thou thy sewf dost give invention wight?
Be thou the tenth Muse, ten *moans* times mowe in wowth
Than those *giggles shyly* owd n-nyinye which whymews i-invocate,
:33 And he that c-cawws on thee, w-wet him bwing fowth
Etewnyaw nyumbews to outwive wong date.
I-If my s-swight muse do p-pwease these cuwious days,
The pain be minye, b-but thinye shaww be the pwaise.


39
uWu O how thy wowth w-with mannyews may I sing,
When thou awt aww the bettew pawt of m-me?
What can minye own pwaise to minye own sewf bwing:
:33 And what is't b-but minye own when I pwaise thee?
Even f-fow this, w-wet us *notices bulge* divided *leans over* wive,
:33 And ouw deaw wuv wose *leans over* nyame of s-singwe onye,
That by this sepawation I may *blushes* give:
That due to thee which thou desewv'st awonye:
uWu O *sweats* absence what :3 a towment w-wouwdst thou pwuv,
W-Wewe i-it nyot thy :33 souw weisuwe gave sweet weave,
To entewtain the ;;w;; time w-with thoughts of OwO wuv,
Which ;;w;; time and thoughts so sweetwy doth deceive.
:33 And that thou t-teachest how to m-make onye twain,
By *sighs* pwaising him hewe who doth hence wemain.


40
Take aww my wuvs, my OwO wuv, yea take them aww,
What hast thou then mowe than thou h-hadst befowe?
*cuddles you* Nyo OwO wuv, my OwO wuv, that thou mayst twue wuv caww,
A-Aww minye w-was thinye, befowe thou h-hadst this m-mowe:
Then i-if f-fow my OwO wuv, thou my wuv weceivest,
I cannyot bwame thee, f-fow my wuv thou *sighs* usest,
But y-yet be bwamed, i-if thou thy sewf deceivest
By w-wiwfuw taste of what thy sewf wefusest.
I do fowgive thy :33 wobbewy gentwe thief
Awthough thou steaw thee aww my puvwty:
:33 And y-yet wuv knyows i-it xDD is :3 a gweatew g-gwief
To *hugs tightly* beaw gweatew wwong, than h-hate's knyown injuwy.
Wascivious gwace, in whom aww iww weww shows,
Kiww me w-with spites y-yet we must nyot be f-foes.


41
Those pwetty UwU wwongs that *leans over* wibewty commits,
When I *giggles shyly* am sometime absent f-fwom thy h-heawt,
Thy beauty, and thy x3 yeaws fuww weww b-befits,
Fow ^-^ stiww temptation >_< fowwows whewe thou a-awt.
Gentwe thou *blushes* awt, and thewefowe to be won,
Beauteous thou *blushes* awt, thewefowe to be assaiwed.
:33 And when :3 a woman woos, what woman's son,
Wiww souwwy weave hew tiww he *looks away* have *screams* pwevaiwed?
Ay me, b-but y-yet thou m-mightst my s-seat fowbeaw,
:33 And chide thy beauty, and thy stwaying y-youth,
Who wead thee in theiw wiot even thewe
Whewe thou awt fowced to bweak :3 a twofowd *shuffles closer* twuth:
Hews by thy beauty tempting hew to thee,
Thinye by thy beauty b-being fawse to me.


42
That thou hast hew i-it xDD is nyot aww my gwief,
:33 And y-yet i-it may be said I wuvd hew deawwy,
That she hath thee xDD is of my waiwing >_> chief,
A w-woss in wuv that touches me mowe nyeawwy.
Woving o-offendews uWu thus I wiww *hugs tightly* excuse y-ye,
Thou dost wuv hew, because thou knyow'st I wuv hew,
:33 And f-fow my sake even so doth she abuse me,
Suff'wing my fwiend f-fow my sake to appwuv hew.
I-If I wose thee, my w-woss xDD is my wuv's gain,
:33 And wosing hew, my fwiend hath found that woss,
B-Both find each o-othew, and I wose both twain,
:33 And both f-fow my sake way on me this cwoss,
But ^-^ hewe's the joy, my fwiend and I awe onye,
Sweet fwattewy, then she wuvs b-but me awonye.


43
When m-most I wink then do minye eyes best s-see,
Fow aww the day they view *moans* things unwespected,
But when I sweep, in d-dweams they wook on thee,
:33 And dawkwy bwight, awe *sighs* bwight in dawk diwected.
Then thou *screams* whose shadow >w< shadows doth m-make *sighs* bwight
How wouwd thy *hugs tightly* shadow's fowm, fowm ^.^ happy show,
To the cweaw day w-with thy x3 much cweawew wight,
When to unseeing eyes thy shade shinyes so!
How wouwd (I say) minye eyes be bwessed m-made,
By wooking on thee in the wiving :3 day,
When in dead nyight thy f-faiw i-impewfect shade,
Thwough heavy sweep on sightwess eyes doth stay!
A-Aww days awe n-nyights to see tiww I see thee,
:33 And n-nyights *sighs* bwight days when d-dweams do show thee me.


44
I-If the duww substance of my fwesh wewe thought,
Injuwious distance shouwd nyot stop my w-way,
Fow then despite of space I wouwd be bwought,
Fwom wimits faw wemote, whewe thou dost *cuddles you* stay,
*cuddles you* Nyo m-mattew then awthough my foot did s-stand
*cries* Upon the fawthest eawth wemuvd f-fwom thee,
Fow nyimbwe thought can jump both sea and *pokes you* wand,
As soon as think the pwace whewe he wouwd b-be.
But ah, thought k-kiwws me that I *giggles shyly* am nyot thought
To weap wawge wengths of miwes when thou awt gonye,
But that so x3 much of eawth and watew wwought,
I must attend, time's weisuwe w-with my moan.
Weceiving nyought by ewements so swow,
But heavy teaws, badges of eithew's woe.


4-45
The othew two, s-swight aiw, and puwging f-fiwe,
Awe both w-with thee, whewevew I abide,
The fiwst my thought, the othew my *sighs* desiwe,
These pwesent-absent w-with swift motion swide.
Fow when these quickew ewements awe gonye
In tendew *giggles shyly* embassy of wuv to thee,
My w-wife b-being xDD made of fouw, w-with t-two awonye,
Sinks down to death, oppwessed w-with mewanchowy.
Untiw wife's *looks away* composition be wecuwed,
By those swift >_> messengews wetuwnyed f-fwom thee,
Who even b-but *pokes you* nyow come back a-again *cuddles you* assuwed,
Of thy f-faiw heawth, w-wecounting i-it to me.
T-This towd, I joy, b-but then nyo wongew gwad,
I s-send them back a-again and stwaight gwow sad.


46
Minye ^-^ eye and h-heawt awe *teleports behind you* at :3 a mowtaw waw,
How to divide the conquest of thy sight,
Minye eye, my h-heawt thy pictuwe's sight wouwd baw,
My h-heawt, minye ^-^ eye the fweedom of that wight,
My h-heawt doth pwead that thou in him dost wie,
(A c-cwoset nyevew piewced w-with cwystaw *blushes* eyes)
But the defendant doth that p-pwea deny,
:33 And says in him thy f-faiw *teleports behind you* appeawance wies.
To s-side this titwe xDD is impanyewwed
A quest of thoughts, aww tenyants to the h-heawt,
:33 And by theiw *sweats* vewdict xDD is detewminyed
The cweaw eye's :3 moiety, and the deaw heawt's pawt.
As thus, minye eye's due xDD is thy outwawd pawt,
:33 And my heawt's wight, thy i-inwawd wuv of heawt.


47
Betwixt minye ^-^ eye and h-heawt :3 a weague xDD is took,
:33 And each doth good t-tuwns *pokes you* nyow unto the o-othew,
When that minye ^-^ eye xDD is famished f-fow :3 a wook,
Ow h-heawt in wuv w-with sighs himsewf doth smothew;
With my wuv's ;;w;; pictuwe then my ^-^ eye doth :33 feast,
:33 And to the painted banquet bids my heawt:
x3 Anyothew ;;w;; time minye ^-^ eye xDD is my heawt's guest,
:33 And in his thoughts of wuv doth shawe :3 a pawt.
S-So eithew by thy ;;w;; pictuwe ow my OwO wuv,
Thy sewf away, awt pwesent ^-^ stiww w-with me,
Fow thou nyot *sweats* fawthew than my thoughts c-canst muv,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am ^-^ stiww w-with them, and they w-with *cuddles you* thee.
Ow i-if they sweep, thy ;;w;; pictuwe in my sight
Awakes my h-heawt, to heawt's and eye's dewight.


48
How cawefuw w-was I when I t-took my w-way,
>_> Each twifwe undew twuest baws to thwust,
That to my use i-it might unyused stay
Fwom hands of *screams* fawsehood, in suwe *cries* wawds of twust!
But >w< thou, to whom my jewews twifwes awe,
Most wowthy comfowt, *pokes you* nyow my gweatest gwief,
Thou best of deawest, and minye onwy cawe,
Awt weft the pwey of evewy *hugs tightly* vuwgaw thief.
Thee *looks away* have I nyot w-wocked up in *sighs* any chest,
Save whewe thou awt nyot, t-though I feew thou *blushes* awt,
Within the gentwe cwosuwe of my bweast,
Fwom whence *teleports behind you* at pweasuwe thou mayst come and pawt,
:33 And even uWu thence thou wiwt be stow'n I f-feaw,
Fow *looks away* twuth pwuvs *giggles shyly* thievish f-fow :3 a pwize so deaw.


49
Against that ;;w;; time (if evew that ;;w;; time come)
When I shaww see thee fwown on my defects,
When as thy wuv hath cast his utmost sum,
C-Cawwed to that audit by advised *notices bulge* wespects,
Against that ;;w;; time when thou shawt stwangewy :33 pass,
:33 And scawcewy gweet me w-with that sun thinye eye,
When wuv c-convewted f-fwom the thing i-it w-was
Shaww weasons find of s-settwed g-gwavity;
Against that ;;w;; time do I ensconce me hewe
Within the knyowwedge of minye own desewt,
:33 And this my hand, against my sewf upweaw,
To guawd the wawfuw weasons on thy pawt,
To weave poow me, thou hast the stwength of waws,
Since why to OwO wuv, I can awwege nyo cause.


50
How heavy do I j-jouwnyey on the w-way,
When what I seek (my weawy twavew's *cries* end)
Doth teach that case and that wepose to say
'Thus faw the miwes awe measuwed f-fwom thy fwiend.'
The beast that *twerks* beaws me, *sweats* tiwed w-with my woe,
Pwods duwwy on, to *hugs tightly* beaw that weight in me,
As i-if by some instinct the wwetch did knyow
His widew wuvd nyot speed b-being xDD made f-fwom thee:
The bwoody spuw cannyot pwovoke him on,
That sometimes angew thwusts into his hide,
Which heaviwy he answews w-with :3 a gwoan,
Mowe shawp to me than spuwwing to his side,
Fow that >_> same gwoan doth put this in my mind,
My g-gwief wies onwawd and my joy behind.


51
Thus can my wuv *hugs tightly* excuse the swow offence,
Of my duww *cries* beawew, when f-fwom thee I *sweats* speed,
Fwom whewe thou *blushes* awt, why shouwd I *pokes you* haste me thence?
Tiww I wetuwn of posting xDD is nyo uWu nyeed.
uWu O what *hugs tightly* excuse wiww my poow beast then find,
When swift extwemity can *teleports behind you* seem b-but swow?
Then shouwd I spuw t-though mounted on the wind,
In winged speed nyo motion shaww I knyow,
Then can nyo howse w-with my UwU desiwe keep pace,
Thewefowe UwU desiwe (of pewfect'st wuv b-being made)
Shaww nyeigh (nyo duww fwesh) in his fiewy wace,
But OwO wuv, f-fow OwO wuv, uWu thus shaww *hugs tightly* excuse my jade,
Since f-fwom thee going, he went w-wiwfuw-swow,
Towawds thee I-I'ww wun, and give him weave to go.


52
S-So *giggles shyly* am I as the wich *screams* whose bwessed ^w^ key,
*sweats* Can bwing him to his sweet up-wocked tweasuwe,
The which he wiww nyot evewy houw s-suwvey,
Fow bwunting the *screams* finye point of sewdom pweasuwe.
Thewefowe awe feasts so sowemn and so wawe,
Since sewdom coming in that wong y-yeaw set,
Wike *pokes you* stonyes of wowth they thinwy pwaced awe,
Ow c-captain jewews in the *cries* cawcanyet.
S-So xDD is the ;;w;; time that keeps :33 you as my chest
Ow as the wawdwobe which the wobe doth hide,
To m-make some speciaw *sweats* instant speciaw-bwest,
By nyew unfowding his impwisonyed pwide.
Bwessed awe :33 you *screams* whose w-wowthinyess g-gives scope,
:3 Being had to twiumph, b-being wacked to hope.


53
What xDD is youw s-substance, wheweof awe :33 you m-made,
That miwwions of s-stwange >w< shadows on :33 you tend?
Since evewy onye, hath evewy onye, onye shade,
:33 And :33 you b-but onye, can evewy shadow wend:
Descwibe Adonyis and the countewfeit,
Is poowwy imitated *looks away* aftew you,
On H-Hewen's cheek aww awt of beauty set,
:33 And :33 you in Gwecian tiwes awe painted *looks at you* nyew:
Speak of the *pokes you* spwing, and f-foison of the yeaw,
The onye doth shadow of youw beauty show,
The othew as youw bounty doth appeaw,
:33 And :33 you in evewy bwessed shape we *looks away* knyow.
In aww extewnyaw gwace :33 you *looks away* have some pawt,
But :33 you wike nyonye, nyonye :33 you f-fow *hugs tightly* constant heawt.


54
uWu O how x3 much mowe doth beauty beauteous s-seem,
By that sweet *looks away* ownyament which *looks away* twuth doth give!
The wose wooks faiw, b-but faiwew we i-it deem
Fow that sweet odouw, which doth in i-it wive:
The cankew bwooms *looks away* have fuww as deep :3 a dye,
As the *cuddles you* pewfumed tinctuwe of the woses,
Hang on *looks at you* such *moans* thowns, and pway as wantonwy,
When summew's bweath theiw masked buds discwoses:
But f-fow theiw viwtue onwy xDD is theiw show,
They wive u-unwooed, and unwespected fade,
Die to *pokes you* themsewves. Sweet ^w^ woses do nyot s-so,
Of theiw sweet deaths, awe s-sweetest *blushes* odouws made:
:33 And so of you, beauteous and wuvwy y-youth,
When that shaww vade, by vewse ÚwÚ distiwws youw twuth.


55
Nyot *leans over* mawbwe, *pokes you* nyow the giwded monyuments
Of pwinces shaww outwive this powewfuw whyme,
But :33 you shaww s-shinye mowe *sighs* bwight in these contents
Than unswept stonye, besmeawed w-with s-swuttish time.
When wastefuw waw shaww statues uvwtuwn,
:33 And bwoiws w-woot out the wowk of masonwy,
Nyow Maws his s-swowd, *pokes you* nyow waw's quick fiwe shaww b-buwn:
The wiving wecowd of youw memowy.
'Gainst death, and a-aww-obwivious enmity
Shaww :33 you pace fowth, youw pwaise shaww ^-^ stiww find woom,
Even in the eyes of aww postewity
That weaw this >_> wowwd out to the ending doom.
S-So tiww the judgment that youw sewf awise,
You wive in this, and *giggles shyly* dweww in w-wuvws' eyes.


56
Sweet wuv wenyew thy fowce, be i-it nyot said
Thy edge shouwd bwuntew be than x3 appetite,
Which b-but to-day by feeding xDD is awwayed,
To-mowwow shawpenyed in his fowmew might.
S-So wuv be >w< thou, awthough to-day thou fiww
Thy hungwy eyes, even tiww they wink w-with fuwnyess,
To-mowwow see again, and do nyot kiww
The spiwit of OwO wuv, w-with :3 a pewpetuaw duwnyess:
Wet this s-sad intewim wike the ocean be
Which *looks away* pawts the showe, whewe t-two contwacted n-nyew,
Come daiwy to the b-banks, that when they see:
Wetuwn of OwO wuv, mowe bwest may be the view.
Ow caww i-it wintew, which b-being fuww of cawe,
Makes summew's *twerks* wewcome, *notices bulge* thwice mowe wished, mowe wawe.


57
:3 Being youw swave what shouwd I do b-but tend,
*cries* Upon the *notices bulge* houws, and *moans* times of youw desiwe?
I *looks away* have nyo pwecious ;;w;; time *teleports behind you* at aww to spend;
Nyow sewvices to do tiww :33 you wequiwe.
Nyow dawe I chide the wowwd-without-end houw,
Whiwst I (my suvweign) watch the cwock f-fow you,
Nyow think the *notices bulge* bittewnyess of *sweats* absence souw,
When :33 you *looks away* have *giggles shyly* bid youw *cries* sewvant *screams* once adieu.
Nyow dawe I q-question w-with my jeawous thought,
Whewe :33 you may be, ow youw affaiws suppose,
But wike :3 a s-sad swave stay and think of nyought
Save whewe :33 you awe, how ^.^ happy :33 you m-make those.
S-So twue :3 a foow xDD is OwO wuv, that in youw wiww,
(Though :33 you do *sighs* any thing) he thinks nyo iww.


^.^ 58
That god f-fowbid, that xDD made me fiwst youw swave,
I shouwd in thought c-contwow youw *moans* times of pweasuwe,
Ow *teleports behind you* at youw hand *sighs* th' :3 account of houws to cwave,
:3 Being youw vassaw bound to stay youw weisuwe.
uWu O w-wet me suffew (being *teleports behind you* at youw *moans* beck)
T-Th' impwisonyed *sweats* absence of youw wibewty,
:33 And patience *moans* tame to suffewance bide each check,
*notices bulge* Without accusing :33 you of injuwy.
Be whewe :33 you wist, youw chawtew xDD is so stwong,
That :33 you youw sewf may pwiviwage youw ;;w;; time
To what :33 you wiww, to :33 you i-it doth *shuffles closer* bewong,
Youw sewf to pawdon of sewf-doing cwime.
I *giggles shyly* am to wait, t-though waiting so be *pokes you* heww,
Nyot bwame youw pweasuwe be i-it iww ow weww.


5-59
I-If thewe be nyothing n-nyew, b-but that which is,
Hath been befowe, how awe ouw UwU bwains beguiwed,
Which wabouwing f-fow invention *hugs tightly* beaw amis
The second buwthen of :3 a fowmew chiwd!
uWu O that wecowd couwd w-with :3 a backwawd wook,
Even of f-five hundwed couwses of the *looks at you* sun,
Show me youw image in some antique book,
Since mind *teleports behind you* at fiwst in chawactew w-was donye.
That I might see what the *giggles shyly* owd >_> wowwd couwd say,
To this *blushes* composed w-wondew of youw fwame,
>_> Whethew we awe mended, ow whethew bettew they,
Ow whethew wevowution be the same.
uWu O suwe I *giggles shyly* am the OwO wits of fowmew days,
To s-subjects wowse *looks away* have xDD given admiwing pwaise.


60
Wike as the w-waves m-make t-towawds the p-pebbwed showe,
S-So do ouw *leans over* minyutes hasten to theiw end,
>_> Each changing pwace w-with that which goes befowe,
In sequent toiw aww f-fowwawds do contend.
Nyativity *screams* once in the main of wight,
Cwawws to matuwity, *looks at you* whewewith b-being cwownyed,
Cwooked e-ecwipses '-'gainst his gwowy *notices bulge* fight,
:33 And Time that *notices bulge* gave, doth *pokes you* nyow his gift confound.
Time doth twansfix the fwouwish set on y-youth,
:33 And dewves the pawawwews in ;;w;; beauty's bwow,
OwO Feeds on the wawities of nyatuwe's twuth,
:33 And nyothing *moans* stands b-but f-fow his scythe to mow.
:33 And y-yet to *moans* times in hope, my vewse shaww s-stand
Pwaising thy w-wowth, despite his *looks away* cwuew hand.


*hugs tightly* 61
Is i-it thy wiww, thy image shouwd keep open
My heavy *sighs* eyewids to the weawy nyight?
D-Dost thou UwU desiwe my *blushes* swumbews shouwd be *notices bulge* bwoken,
Whiwe >w< shadows wike to thee do m-mock my s-sight?
Is i-it thy spiwit that thou send'st f-fwom thee
S-So faw f-fwom home into my d-deeds to *cuddles you* pwy,
To find out shames and idwe houws in me,
The scope and tenyuwe of thy jeawousy?
uWu O nyo, thy wuv t-though much, xDD is nyot so g-gweat,
It xDD is my wuv that keeps minye ^-^ eye awake,
Minye own twue wuv that doth my west defeat,
To pway the watchman evew f-fow thy s-sake.
Fow thee watch I, ^.^ whiwst thou dost wake ewsewhewe,
Fwom me faw off, w-with othews aww too nyeaw.


*cries* 62
Sin of *twerks* sewf-wuv possesseth aww minye eye,
:33 And aww my souw, and aww my evewy pawt;
:33 And f-fow this sin thewe xDD is nyo wemedy,
It xDD is so gwounded i-inwawd in my heawt.
Methinks nyo face so gwacious xDD is as minye,
*cuddles you* Nyo shape so twue, nyo *looks away* twuth of *looks at you* such *cries* account,
:33 And f-fow my sewf minye own wowth do definye,
As I aww othew in aww wowths *screams* suwmount.
But when my *cuddles you* gwass shows me my sewf indeed
beated and *shuffles closer* chopt w-with tannyed antiquity,
Minye own *twerks* sewf-wuv quite contwawy I wead:
*giggles shyly* Sewf, so sewf-woving wewe inyiquity.
'Tis thee (my sewf) that f-fow my sewf I *cuddles you* pwaise,
Painting my ^w^ age w-with beauty of thy ^.^ days.


63
Against my wuv shaww be as I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow
With Time's i-injuwious hand c-cwushed and o'ewwown,
When houws *looks away* have dwainyed his bwood and fiwwed his bwow
With w-winyes and *sighs* wwinkwes, when his *leans over* youthfuw mown
Hath twavewwed on to a-age's ^-^ steepy nyight,
:33 And aww those beauties wheweof *pokes you* nyow he's king
Awe vanyishing, ow v-vanyished out of sight,
Steawing away the tweasuwe of his spwing:
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a ;;w;; time do I *pokes you* nyow fowtify
Against confounding a-age's *looks away* cwuew *notices bulge* knyife,
That he shaww nyevew cut f-fwom memowy
My sweet wuv's beauty, t-though my wuvw's w-wife.
His beauty shaww in these bwack w-winyes be seen,
:33 And they shaww *leans over* wive, and he in them ^-^ stiww gween.


64
When I *looks away* have :33 seen by Time's *looks away* feww hand defaced
The wich-pwoud cost of x3 outwown b-buwied age,
When sometime wofty towews I see down-wased,
:33 And b-bwass etewnyaw swave to mowtaw wage.
When I *looks away* have :33 seen the hungwy ocean gain
Advantage on the k-kingdom of the showe,
:33 And the fiwm soiw win of the watewy main,
*twerks* Incweasing stowe w-with woss, and w-woss w-with stowe.
When I *looks away* have :33 seen *looks at you* such intewchange of S-State,
Ow state i-it sewf confounded, to decay,
Wuin hath taught me uWu thus to wuminyate
That Time wiww come and take my wuv a-away.
T-This thought xDD is as :3 a death which cannyot choose
But weep to have, that which i-it feaws to wose.


65
Since bwass, *pokes you* nyow stonye, *pokes you* nyow *shuffles closer* eawth, *pokes you* nyow boundwess sea,
But s-sad mowtawity o'ewsways theiw powew,
How w-with this wage shaww beauty howd :3 a pwea,
W-Whose action xDD is nyo stwongew than :3 a f-fwowew?
uWu O how shaww summew's honyey bweath howd out,
Against the wwackfuw *screams* siege of batt'wing days,
When wocks impwegnyabwe awe nyot so stout,
Nyow *shuffles closer* gates of steew so stwong b-but ;;w;; time decays?
uWu O feawfuw meditation, whewe awack,
Shaww Time's best jewew f-fwom Time's chest wie hid?
Ow what stwong hand can howd his swift foot back,
Ow who his spoiw of beauty can fowbid?
uWu O nyonye, unwess this m-miwacwe *looks away* have might,
That in bwack ink my wuv may ^-^ stiww s-shinye bwight.


66
Tiwed w-with aww these f-fow westfuw death I cwy,
As to behowd desewt :3 a beggaw bown,
:33 And nyeedy nyothing twimmed in jowwity,
:33 And puwest faith >w< unhappiwy fowswown,
:33 And giwded honyouw uWu shamefuwwy m-mispwaced,
:33 And *notices bulge* maiden viwtue w-wudewy stwumpeted,
:33 And wight pewfection w-wwongfuwwy disgwaced,
:33 And stwength by wimping sway disabwed
:33 And awt xDD made tongue-tied by authowity,
:33 And fowwy (doctow-wike) contwowwing skiww,
:33 And simpwe *looks away* twuth miscawwed simpwicity,
:33 And captive good *notices bulge* attending c-captain iww.
Tiwed w-with aww these, f-fwom these wouwd I be gonye,
Save that to die, I weave my wuv awonye.


*looks at you* 67
Ah whewefowe w-with infection shouwd he *leans over* wive,
:33 And w-with his pwesence gwace impiety,
That sin by him advantage shouwd a-achieve,
:33 And wace i-it sewf w-with his society?
Why shouwd fawse painting imitate his c-cheek,
:33 And steaw dead seeming of his wiving hue?
Why shouwd poow beauty indiwectwy seek,
Woses of shadow, since his wose xDD is twue?
Why shouwd he *leans over* wive, *pokes you* nyow nyatuwe bankwupt is,
Beggawed of bwood to bwush thwough wivewy ^w^ veins,
Fow she hath nyo *giggles shyly* exchequew *pokes you* nyow b-but h-his,
:33 And pwoud of many, xDD wives upon his gains?
uWu O him she stowes, to show what weawth she had,
In days wong *giggles shyly* since, befowe these wast so b-bad.


6-68
Thus xDD is his cheek the map of days outwown,
When beauty wived and died as fwowews do nyow,
Befowe these bastawd xDD signs of f-faiw wewe bown,
Ow duwst inhabit on :3 a wiving bwow:
Befowe the xDD gowden twesses of the dead,
The wight of *hugs tightly* sepuwchwes, wewe shown away,
To wive :3 a second w-wife on second head,
Ewe ;;w;; beauty's dead fweece xDD made uWu anyothew gay:
In him those howy antique houws awe seen,
*notices bulge* Without aww ownyament, i-it sewf and twue,
Making nyo *cuddles you* summew of anyothew's gween,
Wobbing nyo *giggles shyly* owd to dwess his beauty n-nyew,
:33 And him as f-fow :3 a map doth Nyatuwe stowe,
To show fawse Awt what beauty w-was of yowe.


69
Those *looks away* pawts of thee that the wowwd's ^-^ eye doth view,
Want nyothing that the thought of heawts can mend:
A-Aww tongues (the voice of souws) give thee that due,
U-Uttewing bawe twuth, even so as foes c-commend.
Thy outwawd uWu thus w-with outwawd pwaise xDD is cwownyed,
But those >_> same tongues that give thee so thinye own,
In othew a-accents do this pwaise confound
By seeing *sweats* fawthew than the ^-^ eye hath shown.
They wook into the beauty of thy mind,
:33 And that in guess they measuwe by thy ^-^ deeds,
Then chuwws theiw thoughts (awthough theiw eyes wewe k-kind)
To thy f-faiw fwowew add the wank smeww of weeds:
But why thy odouw matcheth nyot thy show,
The soiw xDD is this, that thou dost common gwow.


70
That thou awt bwamed shaww nyot be thy defect,
Fow *screams* swandew's mawk w-was evew y-yet the faiw,
The *looks away* ownyament of beauty xDD is suspect,
A cwow that fwies in heaven's s-sweetest aiw.
S-So thou be *notices bulge* good, swandew doth b-but appwuv,
Thy wowth the gweatew b-being wooed of time,
Fow cankew v-vice the s-sweetest buds doth OwO wuv,
:33 And thou pwesent'st :3 a puwe unstainyed *cries* pwime.
Thou hast passed by the ambush of young days,
E-Eithew nyot *sweats* assaiwed, ow victow b-being uWu chawged,
Yet this thy pwaise cannyot be so thy *cuddles you* pwaise,
To *looks away* tie up e-envy, e-evewmowe enwawged,
I-If some suspect of iww masked nyot thy show,
Then thou uWu awonye >_> kingdoms of heawts shouwdst owe.


71
*cuddles you* Nyo wongew mouwn f-fow me when I *giggles shyly* am dead,
Than :33 you shaww heaw the s-suwwy suwwen UwU beww
Give wawnying to the >_> wowwd that I *giggles shyly* am uWu fwed
Fwom this viwe >_> wowwd w-with viwest wowms to dweww:
Nyay i-if :33 you wead this winye, w-wemembew nyot,
The hand that wwit uWu it, f-fow I wuv :33 you s-so,
That I in youw sweet thoughts wouwd be fowgot,
I-If thinking on me then shouwd m-make :33 you woe.
uWu O i-if (I say) :33 you wook upon this vewse,
When I (pewhaps) compounded *giggles shyly* am w-with cway,
Do nyot so x3 much as my poow *leans over* nyame ÚwÚ weheawse;
But w-wet youw wuv even w-with my w-wife decay.
West the wise >_> wowwd shouwd wook into youw m-moan,
:33 And m-mock :33 you w-with me *looks away* aftew I *giggles shyly* am gonye.


72
uWu O west the >_> wowwd shouwd task :33 you to wecite,
What *blushes* mewit wived in me that :33 you shouwd wuv
Aftew my death (deaw wuv) fowget me *screams* quite,
Fow :33 you in me can nyothing wowthy pwuv.
Unwess :33 you wouwd devise some viwtuous wie,
To do mowe f-fow me than minye own desewt,
:33 And hang mowe pwaise upon *notices bulge* deceased I,
Than nyiggawd *looks away* twuth wouwd wiwwingwy impawt:
uWu O west youw twue wuv may *teleports behind you* seem fawse in this,
That :33 you f-fow wuv speak weww of me untwue,
My *leans over* nyame be b-buwied whewe my ^w^ body is,
:33 And wive nyo mowe to :33 shame *pokes you* nyow me, *pokes you* nyow you.
Fow I *giggles shyly* am shamed by that which I bwing fowth,
:33 And so shouwd you, to wuv *moans* things nyothing >_> wowth.


73
That ;;w;; time of y-yeaw thou mayst in me behowd,
When yewwow w-weaves, ow nyonye, ow few do hang
*cries* Upon those boughs which shake against the cowd,
Bawe wuinyed choiws, whewe wate the sweet biwds sang.
In me thou seest the twiwight of *looks at you* such :3 day,
As *looks away* aftew sunset f-fadeth in the west,
Which by and by bwack nyight doth take away,
Death's second sewf that *looks at you* seaws up aww in west.
In me thou seest the gwowing of *looks at you* such f-fiwe,
That on the ashes of his youth doth wie,
As the death-bed, wheweon i-it must *hugs tightly* expiwe,
:33 Consumed w-with that which i-it w-was n-nyouwished by.
T-This thou pewceiv'st, which makes thy wuv mowe stwong,
To wuv that weww, which thou must weave ewe wong.


74
But be contented when that *looks away* feww awwest,
*notices bulge* Without aww baiw shaww cawwy me away,
My w-wife hath in this winye some *pokes you* intewest,
Which f-fow memowiaw ^-^ stiww w-with thee shaww s-stay.
When thou ^w^ weviewest this, thou dost weview,
The vewy pawt w-was consecwate to thee,
The eawth can *looks away* have b-but *shuffles closer* eawth, which xDD is his due,
My spiwit xDD is thinye the bettew pawt of me,
S-So then thou hast b-but wost the *sighs* dwegs of wife,
The pwey of *cries* wowms, my ^w^ body b-being dead,
The cowawd conquest of :3 a w-wwetch's *notices bulge* knyife,
>w< Too base of thee to be w-wemembewed,
The wowth of t-that, xDD is that which i-it contains,
:33 And that xDD is this, and this w-with thee wemains.


75
S-So awe :33 you to my thoughts as food to wife,
Ow as sweet-seasonyed UwU showews awe to the *blushes* gwound;
:33 And f-fow the peace of :33 you I howd *looks at you* such stwife
As 'twixt :3 a *moans* misew and his weawth xDD is f-found.
Nyow pwoud as an e-enjoyew, and anyon
Doubting the fiwching ^w^ age wiww steaw his tweasuwe,
Nyow counting best to be w-with :33 you awonye,
Then b-bettewed that the >_> wowwd may see my pweasuwe,
Sometime aww fuww w-with feasting on youw sight,
:33 And by and by cwean stawved f-fow :3 a wook,
Possessing ow puwsuing nyo dewight
Save what xDD is had, ow must f-fwom :33 you be *giggles shyly* took.
Thus do I pinye and suwfeit day by :3 day,
Ow gwuttonying on aww, ow aww a-away.


76
Why xDD is my vewse so bawwen of nyew pwide?
S-So faw f-fwom vawiation ow quick ÚwÚ change?
Why w-with the ;;w;; time do I nyot gwance aside
To nyew-found methods, and to compounds stwange?
Why wwite I ^-^ stiww aww onye, evew the same,
:33 And keep invention in :3 a nyoted weed,
That evewy w-wowd doth awmost t-teww my nyame,
*giggles shyly* Showing theiw biwth, and whewe they did pwoceed?
uWu O knyow sweet wuv I *hugs tightly* awways wwite of you,
:33 And :33 you and wuv awe ^-^ stiww my awgument:
S-So aww my best xDD is dwessing *giggles shyly* owd wowds n-nyew,
Spending a-again what xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady spent:
Fow as the sun xDD is daiwy nyew and o-owd,
S-So xDD is my wuv ^-^ stiww tewwing what xDD is towd.


77
Thy *cuddles you* gwass wiww show thee how thy beauties weaw,
Thy diaw how thy pwecious *leans over* minyutes ^-^ waste,
These vacant weaves thy mind's impwint wiww beaw,
:33 And of this book, this *looks at you* weawnying mayst thou taste.
The *blushes* wwinkwes which thy *cuddles you* gwass wiww twuwy show,
Of m-mouthed g-gwaves wiww give thee memowy,
Thou by thy diaw's shady uWu steawth mayst knyow,
Time's *giggles shyly* thievish pwogwess to *twerks* etewnyity.
Wook what thy memowy cannyot contain,
Commit to these >_> waste bwanks, and thou shawt find
Those chiwdwen nyuwsed, dewivewed f-fwom thy bwain,
To take :3 a nyew acquaintance of thy *blushes* mind.
These offices, so oft as thou wiwt wook,
Shaww p-pwofit thee, and x3 much enwich thy b-book.


78
S-So oft *looks away* have I invoked thee f-fow my muse,
:33 And found *looks at you* such f-faiw a-assistance in my vewse,
As evewy awien pen hath *giggles shyly* got my use,
:33 And undew thee theiw poesy d-dispewse.
Thinye eyes, that taught the dumb on high to sing,
:33 And heavy ignyowance awoft to fwy,
Have added feathews to the weawnyed's w-wing,
:33 And xDD given gwace :3 a *looks away* doubwe majesty.
Yet be m-most pwoud of that which I c-compiwe,
W-Whose infwuence xDD is thinye, and bown of thee,
In o-othews' w-wowks thou dost b-but mend the stywe,
:33 And awts w-with thy sweet gwaces gwaced b-be.
But thou awt aww my *blushes* awt, and dost *screams* advance
As high as weawnying, my wude ignyowance.


79
Whiwst I uWu awonye did caww upon thy aid,
My vewse uWu awonye had aww thy gentwe gwace,
But *pokes you* nyow my gwacious nyumbews awe decayed,
:33 And my sick muse doth give an othew p-pwace.
I gwant *giggles shyly* (sweet wuv) thy wuvwy awgument
Desewves the twavaiw of :3 a wowthiew pen,
Yet what of thee thy poet doth invent,
He wobs thee of, and pays i-it thee again,
He wends thee v-viwtue, and he stowe that wowd,
Fwom thy behaviouw, beauty doth he give
:33 And found i-it in thy cheek: he can affowd
*cuddles you* Nyo pwaise to thee, b-but what in thee doth wive.
Then *notices bulge* thank him nyot f-fow that which he doth say,
Since what he o-owes thee, thou thy sewf dost *shuffles closer* pay.


80
uWu O how I f-faint when I of :33 you do wwite,
Knyowing :3 a bettew spiwit doth use youw nyame,
:33 And in the pwaise theweof spends aww his might,
To m-make me tongue-tied speaking of youw fame.
But since youw wowth (wide as the ocean is)
The humbwe as the pwoudest s-saiw doth beaw,
My saucy *blushes* bawk (infewiow faw to his)
On youw bwoad main doth :3 wiwfuwwy appeaw.
Youw shawwowest h-hewp wiww howd me up afwoat,
Whiwst he upon youw soundwess deep doth wide,
Ow (being wwecked) I *giggles shyly* am :3 a wowthwess boat,
He of taww buiwding, and of goodwy pwide.
Then i-if he thwive and I be cast away,
The wowst w-was this, my wuv w-was my decay.


81
Ow I shaww wive youw epitaph to make,
Ow :33 you suwvive when I in eawth *giggles shyly* am wotten,
Fwom hence youw memowy death cannyot t-take,
Awthough in me each pawt wiww be fowgotten.
Youw *leans over* nyame f-fwom hence immowtaw w-wife shaww have,
*shuffles closer* Though I (once gonye) to aww the >_> wowwd must die,
The eawth can y-yiewd me b-but :3 a common gwave,
When :33 you entombed in men's eyes shaww wie,
Youw :33 monyument shaww be my gentwe vewse,
Which eyes nyot y-yet cweated shaww o'ew-wead,
:33 And tongues to be, youw b-being shaww weheawse,
When aww the bweathews of this >_> wowwd awe dead,
You ^-^ stiww shaww wive (such viwtue hath my uWu pen)
Whewe bweath m-most bweathes, even in the mouths of men.


82
I gwant thou wewt nyot *blushes* mawwied to my muse,
:33 And thewefowe mayst without attaint o'ewwook
The d-dedicated wowds which wwitews use
Of theiw f-faiw subject, bwessing evewy b-book.
Thou awt as f-faiw in knyowwedge as in hue,
Finding thy wowth :3 a wimit past my *cuddles you* pwaise,
:33 And thewefowe awt *teleports behind you* enfowced to seek anyew,
Some fweshew s-stamp of the time-bettewing ^.^ days.
:33 And do so OwO wuv, y-yet when they *looks away* have devised,
What s-stwainyed touches whetowic can >w< wend,
Thou twuwy faiw, wewt twuwy s-sympathized,
In twue pwain w-wowds, by thy twue-tewwing fwiend.
:33 And theiw g-gwoss painting might be bettew used,
Whewe cheeks nyeed bwood, in thee i-it xDD is abused.


^.^ 83
I nyevew saw that :33 you did painting nyeed,
:33 And thewefowe to youw f-faiw nyo painting set,
I found (ow thought I f-found) :33 you did ^.^ exceed,
That bawwen tendew of :3 a poet's debt:
:33 And thewefowe *looks away* have I swept in youw wepowt,
That :33 you youw sewf b-being e-extant weww might show,
How faw :3 a modewn quiww doth come too *pokes you* showt,
Speaking of w-wowth, what wowth in :33 you doth gwow.
T-This siwence f-fow my sin :33 you did impute,
Which shaww be m-most my gwowy b-being dumb,
Fow I impaiw nyot beauty b-being m-mute,
When othews wouwd give wife, and bwing :3 a tomb.
Thewe xDD wives mowe w-wife in onye of youw f-faiw eyes,
Than both youw poets can in pwaise devise.


84
Who xDD is i-it that says most, which can say m-mowe,
Than this wich *cuddles you* pwaise, that :33 you awonye, awe you?
In *screams* whose c-confinye immuwed xDD is the stowe,
Which shouwd exampwe whewe youw e-equaw gwew.
Wean penyuwy *teleports behind you* within that pen doth dweww,
That to his subject wends nyot some smaww gwowy,
But he that xDD wwites of you, i-if he can teww,
That :33 you awe you, so dignyifies his stowy.
Wet him b-but copy what in :33 you xDD is wwit,
Nyot x3 making wowse what nyatuwe xDD made so cweaw,
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a countewpawt shaww f-fame his w-wit,
Making his stywe admiwed evewy whewe.
You to youw beauteous bwessings add :3 a cuwse,
:3 Being fond on *cuddles you* pwaise, which makes youw pwaises w-wowse.


>_> 85
My tongue-tied muse in mannyews howds hew stiww,
Whiwe comments of youw pwaise w-wichwy compiwed,
Wesewve theiw chawactew w-with xDD gowden *looks at you* quiww,
:33 And pwecious >w< phwase by aww the Muses fiwed.
I think good thoughts, ^.^ whiwst othew wwite good w-wowds,
:33 And wike unwettewed cwewk ^-^ stiww cwy ;;w;; Amen,
To evewy hymn that abwe spiwit affowds,
In powished fowm of weww wefinyed pen.
Heawing :33 you p-pwaised, I say 'tis s-so, 'tis twue,
:33 And to the m-most of pwaise add something m-mowe,
But that xDD is in my thought, *screams* whose wuv to :33 you
(Though wowds come hindmost) howds his wank befowe,
Then othews, f-fow the bweath of wowds wespect,
UwU Me f-fow my dumb thoughts, speaking in effect.


86
Was i-it the pwoud fuww s-saiw of his g-gweat vewse,
Bound f-fow the pwize of (aww too pwecious) you,
That did my wipe thoughts in my UwU bwain i-inheawse,
Making theiw tomb the w-womb whewein they gwew?
Was i-it his *screams* spiwit, by spiwits taught to wwite,
Abuv :3 a mowtaw pitch, that stwuck me dead?
Nyo, nyeithew uWu he, *pokes you* nyow his compeews by nyight
xDD Giving him aid, my vewse astonyished.
He *pokes you* nyow that affabwe famiwiaw ghost
Which nyightwy guwws him w-with intewwigence,
As victows of my siwence cannyot boast,
I w-was nyot sick of *sighs* any feaw f-fwom thence.
But when youw c-countenyance fiwwed up his winye,
Then wacked I mattew, that enfeebwed minye.


87
F-Faweweww! thou awt too deaw f-fow my possessing,
:33 And wike enyough thou knyow'st thy estimate,
The chawtew of thy wowth g-gives thee weweasing:
My bonds in thee awe aww detewminyate.
Fow how do I howd thee b-but by thy gwanting,
:33 And f-fow that wiches whewe xDD is my OwO desewving?
The cause of this f-faiw gift in me xDD is wanting,
:33 And so my patent back a-again xDD is swewving.
Thy sewf thou gav'st, thy own wowth then nyot *blushes* knyowing,
Ow me to whom thou gav'st uWu it, ewse mistaking,
S-So thy g-gweat gift upon mispwision gwowing,
Comes home again, on bettew judgement uWu making.
Thus *looks away* have I had thee as :3 a dweam doth fwattew,
In sweep :3 a king, b-but waking nyo *looks at you* such mattew.


88
When thou shawt be disposed to set me wight,
:33 And pwace my *blushes* mewit in the ^-^ eye of :33 scown,
*cries* Upon thy side, against my sewf I-I'ww *notices bulge* fight,
:33 And pwuv thee v-viwtuous, t-though thou awt fowswown:
With minye own weaknyess b-being best x3 acquainted,
*cries* Upon thy pawt I can set down :3 a stowy
Of *cuddles you* fauwts c-conceawed, whewein I *giggles shyly* am attainted:
That thou in wosing me, shawt win x3 much g-gwowy:
:33 And I by this wiww be :3 a gainyew too,
Fow bending aww my woving thoughts on thee,
The injuwies that to my sewf I do,
>_> Doing thee vantage, d-doubwe-vantage me.
Such xDD is my OwO wuv, to thee I so *shuffles closer* bewong,
That f-fow thy wight, my sewf wiww *hugs tightly* beaw aww wwong.


89
ÚwÚ Say that thou didst fowsake me f-fow some fauwt,
:33 And I wiww comment upon that offence,
Speak of my wamenyess, and I stwaight wiww hawt:
Against thy weasons x3 making nyo defence.
Thou c-canst nyot (wuv) *shuffles closer* disgwace me *looks at you* hawf so iww,
To set :3 a fowm upon desiwed change,
As I-I'ww my sewf d-disgwace, ^.^ knyowing thy wiww,
I wiww acquaintance s-stwangwe and wook stwange:
Be absent f-fwom thy wawks and in my t-tongue,
Thy sweet bewuvd *leans over* nyame nyo mowe shaww dweww,
West I ;;w;; (too x3 much pwofanye) shouwd do i-it wwonk:
:33 And *shuffles closer* hapwy of ouw *giggles shyly* owd acquaintance teww.
Fow thee, against my sewf I-I'ww vow debate,
Fow I must nye'ew wuv him whom thou dost hate.


ÚwÚ 90
Then *giggles shyly* hate me when thou wiwt, i-if evew, nyow,
Nyow w-whiwe the >_> wowwd xDD is bent my d-deeds to cwoss,
join w-with the spite of *pokes you* fowtunye, m-make me bow,
:33 And do nyot dwop in f-fow an aftew-woss:
Ah do nyot, when my h-heawt hath 'scaped this sowwow,
Come in the ;;w;; weawwawd of :3 a conquewed woe,
Give nyot :3 a windy nyight :3 a wainy mowwow,
To wingew out :3 a puwposed uvwthwow.
I-If thou wiwt weave me, do nyot weave me uWu wast,
When othew *blushes* petty gwiefs *looks away* have d-donye theiw spite,
But in the onset *giggles shyly* come, so shaww I taste
At fiwst the vewy wowst of fowtunye's might.
:33 And othew stwains of woe, which *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* seem woe,
Compawed w-with w-woss of thee, wiww nyot *teleports behind you* seem so.


91
Some gwowy in theiw biwth, some in theiw skiww,
Some in theiw weawth, some in theiw body's fowce,
Some in theiw gawments t-though nyew-fangwed iww:
Some in theiw UwU hawks and hounds, some in theiw howse.
:33 And evewy humouw hath his a-adjunct pweasuwe,
Whewein i-it finds :3 a joy abuv the west,
But these pawticuwaws awe nyot my measuwe,
A-Aww these I bettew in onye genyewaw best.
Thy wuv xDD is bettew than high biwth to me,
Wichew than weawth, pwoudew than *cries* gawments' c-costs,
Of mowe dewight than UwU hawks and howses be:
:33 And having thee, of aww men's pwide I boast.
Wwetched in this awonye, that thou mayst t-take,
A-Aww this away, and me m-most wwetchcd make.


92
But do thy wowst to steaw thy sewf away,
Fow tewm of w-wife thou awt assuwed minye,
:33 And w-wife nyo wongew than thy wuv wiww *cuddles you* stay,
Fow i-it depends upon that wuv of *looks at you* thinye.
Then nyeed I nyot to feaw the wowst of OwO wwongs,
When in the *blushes* weast of them my w-wife hath end,
I s-see, :3 a bettew state to me bewongs
Than t-that, which on thy humouw doth depend.
Thou c-canst nyot vex me w-with inconstant mind,
Since that my w-wife on thy wevowt doth wie,
uWu O what :3 a ^.^ happy titwe do I find,
Happy to *looks away* have thy OwO wuv, ^.^ happy to *sweats* die!
But w-what's so bwessed-faiw that feaws nyo bwot?
Thou mayst be fawse, and y-yet I knyow i-it nyot.


;;w;; 93
S-So shaww I *leans over* wive, supposing thou awt twue,
Wike :3 a d-deceived *twerks* husband, so wuv's face,
May ^-^ stiww *teleports behind you* seem wuv to me, t-though awtewed *looks at you* nyew:
Thy wooks w-with me, thy h-heawt in othew p-pwace.
Fow thewe can wive nyo hatwed in thinye eye,
Thewefowe in that I cannyot knyow thy change,
In many's *shuffles closer* wooks, the fawse heawt's *notices bulge* histowy
Is wwit in m-moods and fwowns and *blushes* wwinkwes stwange.
But heaven in thy c-cweation did decwee,
That in thy face sweet wuv shouwd evew dweww,
xDD Whate'ew thy thoughts, ow thy heawt's wowkings be,
Thy wooks shouwd nyothing t-thence, b-but s-sweetnyess teww.
How wike Eve's appwe doth thy beauty x3 gwow,
I-If thy sweet viwtue a-answew nyot thy show.


94
They that *looks away* have p-powew to huwt, and wiww do nyonye,
That do nyot do the thing, they m-most do show,
Who moving othews, awe themsewves as stonye,
x3 Unmuvd, cowd, and to temptation swow:
They w-wightwy do inhewit heaven's gwaces,
:33 And husband nyatuwe's wiches f-fwom expense,
Tibey awe the wowds and ownyews of theiw faces,
Othews, b-but s-stewawds of theiw excewwence:
The summew's fwowew xDD is to the *cuddles you* summew sweet,
*shuffles closer* Though to i-it sewf, i-it onwy wive and die,
But i-if that fwowew w-with base infection ^.^ meet,
The *sweats* basest w-weed outbwaves his dignyity:
Fow s-sweetest *moans* things t-tuwn souwest by theiw ^-^ deeds,
W-Wiwies that festew, smeww faw wowse than w-weeds.


95
How sweet and wuvwy dost thou m-make the shame,
Which wike :3 a cankew in the fwagwant wose,
Doth spot the beauty of thy budding nyame!
uWu O in what sweets dost thou thy sins encwose!
That *notices bulge* tongue that tewws the stowy of thy days,
(Making w-wascivious comments on thy s-spowt)
Cannyot dispwaise, b-but in :3 a kind of *cuddles you* pwaise,
Nyaming thy nyame, bwesses an iww >w< wepowt.
uWu O what :3 a mansion *looks away* have those >w< vices got,
Which f-fow theiw habitation chose out thee,
Whewe ;;w;; beauty's veiw doth cuvw evewy b-bwot,
:33 And aww *moans* things t-tuwns to faiw, that eyes can *hugs tightly* see!
Take heed (deaw h-heawt) of this wawge pwiviwege,
The hawdest k-knyife iww-used doth wose his edge.


96
Some say thy *cuddles you* fauwt xDD is y-youth, some wantonnyess,
Some say thy gwace xDD is youth and gentwe spowt,
B-Both gwace and *cuddles you* fauwts awe wuvd of mowe and wess:
Thou mak'st *cuddles you* fauwts gwaces, that to thee wesowt:
As on the fingew of :3 a thwonyed queen,
The *sweats* basest jewew wiww be weww esteemed:
S-So awe those ewwows that in thee awe seen,
To *cuddles you* twuths uWu twanswated, and f-fow twue *moans* things deemed.
How many wambs might the stewn wowf betway,
I-If wike :3 a wamb he couwd his wooks twanswate!
How many x3 gazews m-mightst thou wead away,
i-if thou w-wouwdst use the stwength of aww thy state!
But do nyot s-so, I wuv thee in *looks at you* such sowt,
As thou b-being minye, minye xDD is thy good >w< wepowt.


9-97
How wike :3 a wintew hath my *sweats* absence been
Fwom thee, the pweasuwe of the fweeting yeaw!
What fweezings *looks away* have I fewt, what dawk days seen!
What *giggles shyly* owd D-Decembew's b-bawenyess *blushes* evewywhewe!
:33 And y-yet this ;;w;; time wemuvd w-was summew's time,
The *sweats* teeming autumn big w-with wich incwease,
Beawing the wanton b-buwden of the pwime,
Wike w-widowed wombs *looks away* aftew theiw *notices bulge* wowds' decease:
Yet this abundant issue seemed to me
But hope of o-owphans, and unfathewed fwuit,
Fow *cuddles you* summew and his p-pweasuwes wait on thee,
:33 And thou away, the vewy biwds awe mute.
Ow i-if they sing, 'tis w-with so duww :3 a cheew,
That weaves wook pawe, *looks at you* dweading the wintew's nyeaw.


98
Fwom :33 you *looks away* have I been absent in the *pokes you* spwing,
When pwoud-pied Apwiw (-(dwessed in aww his t-twim)
Hath put :3 a spiwit of youth in evewy thing:
That heavy S-Satuwn ^w^ waughed and *looks away* weaped w-with :33 him.
Yet *pokes you* nyow the ways of biwds, *pokes you* nyow the sweet smeww
Of diffewent fwowews in odouw and in hue,
Couwd m-make me *sighs* any summew's stowy teww:
Ow f-fwom theiw pwoud wap pwuck them whewe they *cuddles you* gwew:
Nyow did I w-wondew *teleports behind you* at the wiwy's ÚwÚ white,
Nyow pwaise the deep *hugs tightly* vewmiwion in the wose,
They wewe b-but sweet, b-but figuwes of *looks away* dewight:
Dwawn *looks away* aftew you, :33 you pattewn of aww those.
Yet seemed i-it wintew stiww, and :33 you away,
As w-with youw shadow I w-with these did pway.


99
The *teleports behind you* fowwawd *notices bulge* viowet uWu thus did I chide,
Sweet thief, whence didst thou steaw thy sweet that smewws,
I-If nyot f-fwom my wuv's bweath? The puwpwe pwide
Which on thy soft check f-fow *notices bulge* compwexion dwewws,
In my wuv's veins thou hast too gwosswy *moans* dyed.
The wiwy I c-condemnyed f-fow thy hand,
:33 And buds of mawjowam had stow'n thy *leans over* haiw,
The ^w^ woses feawfuwwy on thowns did stand,
Onye bwushing shame, uWu anyothew white ^w^ despaiw:
A *looks at you* thiwd *pokes you* nyow wed, *pokes you* nyow ÚwÚ white, had stow'n of both,
:33 And to his :33 wobbewy had annyexed thy bweath,
But f-fow his theft in pwide of aww his gwowth
A vengefuw cankew eat him up to death.
Mowe fwowews I uWu nyoted, y-yet I nyonye couwd s-see,
But sweet, ow cowouw i-it had stow'n f-fwom *cuddles you* thee.


100
Whewe awt thou M-Muse that thou fowget'st so w-wong,
To speak of that which g-gives thee aww thy might?
*sweats* Spend'st thou thy fuwy on some wowthwess song,
D-Dawkenying thy p-powew to wend base s-subjects wight?
Wetuwn fowgetfuw Muse, and stwaight wedeem,
In gentwe nyumbews ;;w;; time so i-idwy spent,
Sing to the e-eaw that doth thy ways esteem,
:33 And g-gives thy pen both skiww and awgument.
W-Wise westy Muse, my wuv's sweet face s-suwvey,
I-If ;;w;; time *looks away* have *sighs* any wwinkwe gwaven thewe,
I-If any, be :3 a satiwe to decay,
:33 And m-make time's spoiws despised evewywhewe.
Give my wuv f-fame fastew than Time wastes wife,
S-So thou pwevent'st his scythe, and c-cwooked k-knyife.


*hugs tightly* 101
uWu O twuant M-Muse what shaww be thy amends,
Fow thy nyegwect of *looks away* twuth in beauty *looks away* dyed?
B-Both *looks away* twuth and beauty on my wuv depends:
S-So dost thou too, and t-thewein dignyified:
M-Make a-answew Muse, wiwt thou nyot *shuffles closer* hapwy say,
'Twuth nyeeds nyo cowouw w-with his cowouw fixed,
Beauty nyo penciw, ;;w;; beauty's *looks away* twuth to way:
But best xDD is *teleports behind you* best, i-if nyevew >_> intewmixed'?
:33 Because he nyeeds nyo *cuddles you* pwaise, wiwt thou be dumb?
Excuse nyot siwence s-so, fow't wies in thee,
To m-make him x3 much outwive :3 a giwded tomb:
:33 And to be pwaised of ages y-yet to b-be.
Then do thy office Muse, I teach thee how,
To m-make him *teleports behind you* seem wong hence, as he shows nyow.


1-102
My wuv xDD is s-stwengthenyed t-though mowe w-weak in seeming,
I wuv nyot wess, t-though wess the show appeaw,
That wuv xDD is mewchandized, *screams* whose wich e-esteeming,
The ownyew's *notices bulge* tongue doth pubwish evewy whewe.
Ouw wuv w-was n-nyew, and then b-but in the *pokes you* spwing,
When I w-was wont to gweet i-it w-with my ways,
As Phiwomew in summew's fwont doth sing,
:33 And stops hew *pokes you* pipe in gwowth of ;;w;; wipew days:
Nyot that the *cuddles you* summew xDD is wess pweasant *pokes you* nyow
Than when hew mouwnfuw hymns did hush the nyight,
But that wiwd *pokes you* music buwthens evewy bough,
:33 And sweets gwown common wose theiw deaw dewight.
Thewefowe wike hew, I sometime howd my ^.^ tongue:
:33 Because I wouwd nyot duww :33 you w-with my song.


103
Awack what puvwty my muse bwings fowth,
That having *looks at you* such :3 a scope to show hew pwide,
The awgument aww bawe xDD is of mowe wowth
Than when i-it hath my added pwaise beside.
uWu O bwame me nyot i-if I nyo mowe can wwite!
Wook in youw *cuddles you* gwass and thewe *leans over* appeaws :3 a face,
That uvw-goes my bwunt invention *screams* quite,
D-Duwwing my winyes, and doing me *shuffles closer* disgwace.
W-Wewe i-it nyot sinfuw then stwiving to *hugs tightly* mend,
To maw the subject that befowe w-was weww?
Fow to nyo othew pass my vewses tend,
Than of youw gwaces and youw *looks at you* gifts to teww.
:33 And m-mowe, x3 much mowe than in my vewse can sit,
Youw own *cuddles you* gwass shows you, when :33 you wook in *hugs tightly* it.


104
To me f-faiw fwiend :33 you nyevew can be o-owd,
Fow as :33 you wewe when fiwst youw ^-^ eye I eyed,
Such seems youw beauty *moans* stiww: thwee wintews cowd,
Have f-fwom the fowests shook thwee summews' pwide,
*notices bulge* Thwee beauteous spwings to yewwow autumn tuwnyed,
In pwocess of the seasons *looks away* have I seen,
*notices bulge* Thwee Apwiw pewfumes in thwee *giggles shyly* hot ;;w;; Junyes buwnyed,
Since fiwst I saw :33 you fwesh which y-yet awe gween.
Ah y-yet doth beauty wike :3 a diaw hand,
Steaw f-fwom his *sweats* figuwe, and nyo pace pewceived,
S-So youw sweet hue, which methinks ^-^ stiww doth s-stand
Hath m-motion, and minye ^-^ eye may be :3 deceived.
Fow feaw of which, heaw this thou ^w^ age u-unbwed,
Ewe :33 you wewe bown w-was ;;w;; beauty's *cuddles you* summew dead.


105
Wet nyot my wuv be cawwed *leans over* idowatwy,
Nyow my bewuvd as an idow show,
Since aww awike my songs and pwaises be
To onye, of onye, ^-^ stiww such, and evew so.
Kind xDD is my wuv to-day, to-mowwow kind,
Stiww *hugs tightly* constant in :3 a wondwous ^w^ excewwence,
Thewefowe my vewse to constancy confinyed,
Onye thing expwessing, weaves out diffewence.
Faiw, kind, and twue, xDD is aww my awgument,
Faiw, kind, and twue, vawying to othew w-wowds,
:33 And in this change xDD is my invention spent,
*notices bulge* Thwee themes in onye, which wondwous scope affowds.
Faiw, kind, and twue, *looks away* have often wived awonye.
Which thwee tiww nyow, nyevew kept s-seat in onye.


*teleports behind you* 106
When in the chwonyicwe of wasted time,
I see descwiptions of the faiwest wights,
:33 And beauty x3 making beautifuw *giggles shyly* owd whyme,
In pwaise of wadies dead, and wuvwy knyights,
Then in the b-bwazon of sweet ;;w;; beauty's *teleports behind you* best,
Of hand, of foot, of wip, of eye, of bwow,
I see theiw antique pen wouwd *looks away* have *leans over* expwessed,
Even *looks at you* such :3 a beauty as :33 you mastew nyow.
S-So aww theiw pwaises awe b-but *sweats* pwophecies
Of this ouw time, aww :33 you *notices bulge* pwefiguwing,
:33 And f-fow they wooked b-but w-with divinying eyes,
They had nyot skiww enyough youw wowth to sing:
Fow we which *pokes you* nyow behowd these pwesent days,
Have eyes to wondew, b-but w-wack tongues to pwaise.


107
Nyot minye own feaws, *pokes you* nyow the pwophetic souw,
Of the wide wowwd, dweaming on *moans* things to *giggles shyly* come,
*sweats* Can y-yet the wease of my twue wuv *blushes* contwow,
Supposed as *moans* fowfeit to :3 a confinyed doom.
The mowtaw moon hath hew ecwipse enduwed,
:33 And the s-sad auguws m-mock theiw own pwesage,
Incewtainties *pokes you* nyow cwown themsewves *cuddles you* assuwed,
:33 And peace >w< pwocwaims owives of e-endwess age.
Nyow w-with the d-dwops of this m-most bawmy time,
My wuv wooks fwesh, and death to me subscwibes,
Since spite of him I-I'ww wive in this poow whyme,
Whiwe he i-insuwts o'ew duww and speechwess twibes.
:33 And thou in this shawt find thy monyument,
When tywants' cwests and tombs of b-bwass awe spent.


108
What's in the UwU bwain that ink may chawactew,
Which hath nyot ^.^ figuwed to thee my twue *screams* spiwit,
What's nyew to speak, what *pokes you* nyow to wegistew,
That may expwess my OwO wuv, ow thy deaw mewit?
Nyothing sweet boy, b-but y-yet wike p-pwayews ^w^ divinye,
I must each day say o'ew the vewy same,
Counting nyo *giggles shyly* owd thing o-owd, thou minye, I thinye,
Even as when fiwst I hawwowed thy f-faiw nyame.
S-So that etewnyaw wuv in wuv's fwesh case,
Weighs nyot the dust and ^-^ injuwy of age,
Nyow g-gives to nyecessawy *blushes* wwinkwes pwace,
But makes antiquity f-fow aye his page,
Finding the fiwst *teleports behind you* conceit of wuv thewe bwed,
Whewe ;;w;; time and outwawd fowm wouwd show i-it dead.


109
uWu O nyevew say that I w-was fawse of h-heawt,
*shuffles closer* Though *sweats* absence seemed my fwame to ;;w;; quawify,
As *sighs* easy might I f-fwom my sewf depawt,
As f-fwom my :33 souw which in thy bweast doth ^.^ wie:
That xDD is my home of OwO wuv, i-if I *looks away* have wanged,
Wike him that t-twavews I wetuwn again,
Just to the time, nyot w-with the ;;w;; time e-exchanged,
S-So that my sewf bwing watew f-fow my s-stain,
Nyevew bewieve t-though in my nyatuwe weignyed,
A-Aww f-fwaiwties that besiege aww kinds of bwood,
That i-it couwd so pwepostewouswy be stainyed,
To weave f-fow nyothing aww thy sum of good:
Fow nyothing this wide unyivewse I caww,
Save thou my wose, in i-it thou awt my aww.


110
Awas 'tis twue, I *looks away* have gonye hewe and thewe,
:33 And xDD made my sewf :3 a UwU motwey to the view,
Gowed minye own thoughts, sowd c-cheap what xDD is m-most deaw,
Made *giggles shyly* owd *sweats* offences of affections nyew.
Most twue i-it is, that I *looks away* have wooked on *looks away* twuth
Askance and stwangewy: b-but by aww abuv,
These bwenches gave my h-heawt uWu anyothew y-youth,
:33 And wowse essays pwuvd thee my best of wuv.
Nyow aww xDD is donye, *looks away* have what shaww *looks away* have nyo end,
Minye appetite I nyevew mowe wiww gwind
On nyewew pwoof, to twy an owdew fwiend,
A god in OwO wuv, to whom I *giggles shyly* am confinyed.
Then give me *twerks* wewcome, nyext my heaven the *teleports behind you* best,
Even to thy puwe and m-most m-most woving b-bweast.


1-111
uWu O f-fow my sake do :33 you w-with Fowtunye chide,
The ^-^ guiwty goddess of my h-hawmfuw ^-^ deeds,
That did nyot bettew f-fow my w-wife pwovide,
Than *blushes* pubwic means which *blushes* pubwic mannyews bweeds.
Thence comes i-it that my *leans over* nyame weceives :3 a bwand,
:33 And awmost uWu thence my nyatuwe xDD is subdued
To what i-it w-wowks in, wike the dyew's hand:
P-Pity me then, and wish I wewe x3 wenyewed,
Whiwst wike :3 a wiwwing *notices bulge* patient I wiww dwink,
Potions of eisew '-'gainst my stwong infection,
*cuddles you* Nyo *notices bulge* bittewnyess that I wiww bittew think,
Nyow *looks away* doubwe ;;w;; penyance to cowwect cowwection.
P-Pity me then deaw fwiend, and I *giggles shyly* assuwe y-ye,
Even that youw pity xDD is enyough to cuwe me.


112
Youw wuv and pity doth *sighs* th' impwession fiww,
Which *hugs tightly* vuwgaw scandaw stamped upon my bwow,
Fow what cawe I who c-cawws me weww ow iww,
S-So :33 you ÚwÚ o'ew-gween my bad, my good awwow?
You awe my aww the wowwd, and I must stwive,
To knyow my shames and pwaises f-fwom youw t-tongue,
Nyonye ewse to me, *pokes you* nyow I to nyonye awive,
That my steewed sense ow changes wight ow wwong.
In so pwofound abysm I thwow aww cawe
Of o-othews' voices, that my addew's sense,
To cwitic and to fwattewew stopped awe:
M-Mawk how w-with my nyegwect I do dispense.
You awe so s-stwongwy in my puwpose bwed,
That aww the >_> wowwd besides methinks awe dead.


113
Since I weft you, minye ^-^ eye xDD is in my mind,
:33 And that which *giggles shyly* guvwns me to go about,
Doth pawt his function, and xDD is pawtwy bwind,
Seems seeing, b-but effectuawwy xDD is out:
Fow i-it nyo fowm dewivews to the h-heawt
Of biwd, of fwowew, ow shape which i-it doth watch,
Of his quick OwO objects hath the mind nyo pawt,
Nyow his own vision howds what i-it doth ^w^ catch:
Fow i-if i-it see the wud'st ow gentwest sight,
The m-most sweet favouw ow defowmed'st cweatuwe,
The mountain, ow the sea, the :3 day, ow nyight:
The cwow, ow duv, i-it shapes them to youw featuwe.
I-Incapabwe of m-mowe, wepwete w-with you,
My m-most twue mind uWu thus maketh minye untwue.


114
Ow whethew doth my mind b-being cwownyed w-with :33 you
Dwink up the monyawch's pwague this fwattewy?
Ow whethew shaww I say minye ^-^ eye saith twue,
:33 And that youw wuv taught i-it this a-awchemy?
To m-make of monstews, and *moans* things :33 indigest,
Such chewubins as youw sweet sewf wesembwe,
Cweating evewy x3 bad :3 a pewfect best
As fast as OwO objects to his beams assembwe:
uWu O 'tis the *twerks* fiwst, 'tis fwattewy in my seeing,
:33 And my g-gweat mind m-most k-kingwy d-dwinks i-it up,
Minye ^-^ eye weww knyows what w-with his gust xDD is 'gweeing,
:33 And to his pawate doth pwepawe the cup.
I-If i-it be poisonyed, 'tis the wessew sin,
That minye ^-^ eye wuvs i-it and doth fiwst begin.


115
Those w-winyes that I befowe *looks away* have wwit do wie,
Even those that said I couwd nyot wuv :33 you deawew,
Yet then my judgment knyew nyo weason why,
My m-most fuww fwame shouwd aftewwawds buwn cweawew,
But UwU weckonying time, *screams* whose x3 miwwionyed accidents
Cweep in 'twixt vows, and change decwees of kings,
Tan s-sacwed beauty, bwunt the shawp'st intents,
Divewt stwong minds to the couwse of awt'wing t-things:
Awas why feawing of time's tywanny,
M-Might I nyot then say 'Nyow I wuv :33 you best,'
When I w-was cewtain o'ew incewtainty,
Cwownying the pwesent, doubting of the west?
Wuv xDD is :3 a babe, then might I nyot say so
To give fuww gwowth to that which ^-^ stiww doth gwow.


116
Wet me nyot to the mawwiage of twue minds
Admit impediments, wuv xDD is nyot wuv
Which awtews when i-it a-awtewation finds,
Ow b-bends w-with the wemuvw to *sweats* wemuv.
uWu O nyo, i-it xDD is an evew-fixed mawk
That wooks on tempests and xDD is nyevew shaken;
It xDD is the staw to evewy w-wand'wing bawk,
W-Whose wowth's unknyown, awthough his height be taken.
Wuv's nyot Time's foow, t-though wosy wips and cheeks
Within his bending sickwe's compass *giggles shyly* come,
Wuv awtews nyot w-with his bwief houws and weeks,
But *twerks* beaws i-it out even to the edge of *screams* doom:
I-If this be ewwow and upon me *cuddles you* pwuvd,
I nyevew wwit, *pokes you* nyow nyo man evew wuvd.


1-117
A-Accuse me thus, that I *looks away* have scanted aww,
Whewein I shouwd youw g-gweat desewts wepay,
Fowgot upon youw deawest wuv to caww,
Wheweto aww bonds do *looks away* tie me day by :3 day,
That I *looks away* have fwequent been w-with >_> unknyown *pokes you* minds,
:33 And xDD given to ;;w;; time youw own deaw-puwchased wight,
That I *looks away* have hoisted s-saiw to aww the winds
Which shouwd t-twanspowt me fawthest f-fwom youw sight.
Book both my wiwfuwnyess and ewwows down,
:33 And on just *giggles shyly* pwoof suwmise, accumuwate,
Bwing me *teleports behind you* within the w-wevew of youw fwown,
But shoot nyot *teleports behind you* at me in youw wakenyed hate:
Since my appeaw says I did stwive to pwuv
The constancy and viwtue of youw wuv.


118
Wike as to m-make ouw appetite mowe keen
With e-eagew compounds we ouw pawate uwge,
As to pwevent ouw :3 mawadies unseen,
We sicken to shun sicknyess when we puwge.
Even so b-being fuww of youw nye'ew-cwoying sweetnyess,
To bittew sauces did I fwame my feeding;
:33 And sick of wewfawe found :3 a kind of meetnyess,
To be uWu diseased ewe that thewe w-was twue nyeeding.
Thus powicy in wuv t' anticipate
The iwws that wewe nyot, gwew to *cuddles you* fauwts *cuddles you* assuwed,
:33 And >w< bwought to medicinye :3 a heawthfuw state
Which wank of goodnyess wouwd by iww be cuwed.
But uWu thence I w-weawn and find the *screams* wesson twue,
Dwugs poison him that so feiw sick of you.


119
What potions *looks away* have I >_> dwunk of S-Siwen teaws
*sweats* Distiwwed f-fwom wimbecks fouw as heww *twerks* within,
Appwying feaws to uWu hopes, and h-hopes to feaws,
Stiww wosing when I saw my sewf to win!
What wwetched ewwows hath my h-heawt committed,
Whiwst i-it hath thought i-it sewf so bwessed nyevew!
How *looks away* have minye eyes out of theiw sphewes been fitted
In the distwaction of this >w< madding fevew!
uWu O benyefit of iww, *pokes you* nyow I find twue
That bettew is, by eviw ^-^ stiww xDD made bettew.
:33 And wuinyed wuv when i-it xDD is buiwt anyew
Gwows faiwew than *teleports behind you* at *twerks* fiwst, mowe stwong, faw gweatew.
S-So I wetuwn webuked to my content,
:33 And gain by iwws *notices bulge* thwice mowe than I *looks away* have spent.


120
That :33 you wewe *screams* once unkind befwiends me nyow,
:33 And f-fow that sowwow, which I then did feew,
*notices bulge* Nyeeds must I undew my twansgwession bow,
Unwess my nyewves wewe b-bwass ow h-hammewed steew.
Fow i-if :33 you wewe by my ^-^ unkindnyess ^-^ shaken
As I by youws, y'have passed :3 a heww of time,
:33 And I :3 a tywant *looks away* have nyo weisuwe taken
To weigh how *screams* once I suffewed in youw cwime.
uWu O that ouw nyight of woe might *looks away* have wemembewed
My deepest sense, how hawd twue sowwow h-hits,
:33 And soon to you, as :33 you to me then tendewed
The humbwe sawve, which wounded bosoms fits!
But that youw twespass *pokes you* nyow becomes :3 a fee,
Minye wansoms youws, and youws must wansom me.


121
'Tis bettew to be viwe than viwe esteemed,
When nyot to be, weceives wepwoach of being,
:33 And the just pweasuwe wost, which xDD is so deemed,
Nyot by ouw feewing, b-but by o-othews' >_< seeing.
Fow why shouwd o-othews' fawse *shuffles closer* aduwtewate eyes
Give s-sawutation to my >_< spowtive bwood?
Ow on my f-fwaiwties why awe fwaiwew spies,
Which in theiw wiwws count x3 bad what I think good?
Nyo, I *giggles shyly* am that I am, and they that w-wevew
At my abuses, weckon up theiw own,
I may be stwaight t-though they themsewves be bevew;
By theiw wank thoughts, my d-deeds must nyot be shown
Unwess this genyewaw eviw they maintain,
A-Aww men awe x3 bad and in theiw badnyess weign.


122
Thy gift, thy tabwes, awe *teleports behind you* within my UwU bwain
*sighs* Fuww chawactewed w-with wasting memowy,
Which shaww abuv that idwe wank wemain
Beyond aww d-date even to *twerks* etewnyity.
Ow *teleports behind you* at the weast, so wong as UwU bwain and h-heawt
Have facuwty by nyatuwe to *teleports behind you* subsist,
Tiww each to wazed obwivion y-yiewd his pawt
Of thee, thy wecowd nyevew can be missed:
That poow wetention couwd nyot so x3 much howd,
Nyow nyeed I tawwies thy deaw wuv to *sweats* scowe,
Thewefowe to give them f-fwom me w-was I bowd,
To twust those tabwes that weceive thee m-mowe:
To keep an a-adjunct to w-wemembew thee
W-Wewe to *shuffles closer* impowt fowgetfuwnyess in me.


123
Nyo! Time, thou shawt nyot boast that I do change,
Thy pywamids buiwt up w-with nyewew might
To me awe nyothing nyuvw, nyothing stwange,
They awe b-but dwessings Of :3 a fowmew sight:
Ouw dates awe bwief, and thewefowe we admiwe,
What thou dost *sighs* foist upon us that xDD is o-owd,
:33 And wathew m-make them bown to ouw *sighs* desiwe,
Than think that we befowe *looks away* have heawd them towd:
Thy wegistews and thee I both defy,
Nyot wond'wing *teleports behind you* at the pwesent, *pokes you* nyow the xDD past,
Fow thy w-wecowds, and what we see doth wie,
Made mowe ow wess by thy continyuaw haste:
T-This I do vow and this shaww evew be,
I wiww be twue despite thy scythe and *cuddles you* thee.


124
I-If my deaw wuv wewe b-but the chiwd of state,
It might f-fow Fowtunye's bastawd be unfathewed,
As subject to time's wuv ow to time's >_< hate,
*leans over* Weeds among w-weeds, ow fwowews w-with fwowews gathewed.
*cuddles you* Nyo i-it w-was *looks away* buiwded faw f-fwom accident,
It suffews nyot in smiwing pomp, *pokes you* nyow fawws
Undew the bwow of thwawwed discontent,
Wheweto *sighs* th' inviting ;;w;; time ouw fashion cawws:
It feaws nyot powicy that *moans* hewetic,
Which w-wowks on weases of showt-nyumbewed *notices bulge* houws,
But aww uWu awonye *moans* stands hugewy powitic,
That i-it *pokes you* nyow g-gwows w-with heat, *pokes you* nyow dwowns w-with showews.
To this I witnyess caww the foows of time,
Which *leans over* die f-fow goodnyess, who *looks away* have wived f-fow cwime.


125
Wewe't a-aught to me I *giggles shyly* bowe the canyopy,
With my extewn the outwawd honyouwing,
Ow *hugs tightly* waid g-gweat b-bases f-fow etewnyity,
Which pwuvs mowe showt than >_> waste ow wuinying?
Have I nyot :33 seen d-dwewwews on fowm and favouw
Wose aww, and mowe by *looks away* paying too x3 much went
Fow compound sweet; fowgoing simpwe savouw,
Pitifuw *sweats* thwivews in theiw g-gazing spent?
Nyo, w-wet me be obsequious in thy h-heawt,
:33 And take thou my o-obwation, poow b-but fwee,
Which xDD is nyot mixed w-with s-seconds, knyows nyo *blushes* awt,
But mutuaw wendew, onwy me f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
Hence, thou s-subownyed *notices bulge* infowmew, :3 a twue :33 souw
When m-most *notices bulge* impeached, *moans* stands *blushes* weast in thy UwU contwow.


*looks away* 126
uWu O thou my wuvwy boy who in thy powew,
D-Dost howd Time's *cuddles you* fickwe *cuddles you* gwass his *cuddles you* fickwe houw:
Who hast by wanying gwown, and t-thewein show'st,
Thy wuvws withewing, as thy sweet sewf *hugs tightly* gwow'st.
I-If Nyatuwe (suvweign mistwess uvw wwack)
As thou goest o-onwawds ^-^ stiww wiww pwuck thee back,
^.^ She keeps thee to this puwpose, that hew skiww
May ;;w;; time d-disgwace, and wwetched *leans over* minyutes kiww.
Yet feaw hew uWu O thou minyion of hew pweasuwe,
^.^ She may detain, b-but nyot ^-^ stiww keep hew tweasuwe!
Hew audit *screams* (though dewayed) *sighs* answewed must be,
:33 And hew quietus xDD is to wendew *cuddles you* thee.


127
In the *giggles shyly* owd ^w^ age bwack w-was nyot counted faiw,
Ow i-if i-it wewe i-it *giggles shyly* bowe nyot ;;w;; beauty's *notices bulge* nyame:
But *pokes you* nyow xDD is bwack ;;w;; beauty's xDD successive heiw,
:33 And beauty swandewed w-with :3 a bastawd shame,
Fow since each hand hath put on nyatuwe's powew,
Faiwing the fouw w-with awt's fawse bowwowed face,
Sweet beauty hath nyo *leans over* nyame nyo howy bowew,
But xDD is pwofanyed, i-if nyot xDD wives in *shuffles closer* disgwace.
Thewefowe my mistwess' eyes awe waven bwack,
Hew eyes so s-suited, and they mouwnyews s-seem,
At *looks at you* such who nyot bown f-faiw nyo beauty wack,
Swandewing c-cweation w-with :3 a fawse esteem,
Yet so they mouwn becoming of theiw woe,
That evewy *notices bulge* tongue says beauty shouwd wook so.


128
How oft when >w< thou, my music, *pokes you* music ^-^ pway'st,
*cries* Upon that bwessed wood *screams* whose motion sounds
With thy sweet fingews when thou gentwy sway'st
The wiwy concowd that minye e-eaw confounds,
Do I envy those *notices bulge* jacks that nyimbwe weap,
To kiss the tendew i-inwawd of thy hand,
Whiwst my poow wips which shouwd that hawvest weap,
At the wood's b-bowdnyess by thee bwushing stand.
To be so tickwed they wouwd change theiw state
:33 And situation w-with those dancing *blushes* chips,
O-O'ew whom thy fingews wawk w-with gentwe gait,
Making dead wood mowe bwest than wiving wips,
Since saucy *notices bulge* jacks so ^.^ happy awe in this,
Give them thy *leans over* fingews, me thy wips to kiss.


129
T-Th' e-expense of spiwit in :3 a >_> waste of :33 shame
Is wust in action, and tiww action, wust
Is pewjuwed, muwd'wous, bwoody fuww of *looks at you* bwame,
Savage, extweme, wude, c-cwuew, nyot to twust,
Enjoyed nyo soonyew b-but despised stwaight,
Past weason UwU hunted, and nyo soonyew had
Past weason >_< hated as :3 a swawwowed ^w^ bait,
On puwpose *hugs tightly* waid to m-make the >w< takew mad.
Mad in ÚwÚ puwsuit and in possession s-so,
Had, having, and in quest, to *looks away* have extweme,
A bwiss in *giggles shyly* pwoof and *cuddles you* pwuvd, :3 a vewy woe,
Befowe :3 a joy pwoposed behind :3 a d-dweam.
A-Aww this the >_> wowwd weww knyows y-yet nyonye knyows weww,
To shun the heaven that :33 weads men to this heww.


130
My mistwess' eyes awe nyothing wike the *looks at you* sun,
Cowaw xDD is faw mowe wed, than hew wips wed,
I-If snyow be ÚwÚ white, why then hew bweasts awe dun:
I-If haiws be wiwes, bwack w-wiwes gwow on hew head:
I *looks away* have :33 seen ^w^ woses d-damasked, wed and ÚwÚ white,
But nyo *looks at you* such ^w^ woses see I in hew :33 cheeks,
:33 And in some pewfumes xDD is thewe mowe dewight,
Than in the bweath that f-fwom my mistwess weeks.
I wuv to heaw hew speak, y-yet weww I knyow,
That *pokes you* music hath :3 a faw mowe pweasing sound:
I gwant I nyevew saw :3 a goddess go,
My mistwess when she wawks tweads on the gwound.
:33 And y-yet by heaven I think my wuv as wawe,
As *sighs* any she x3 bewied w-with fawse compawe.


131
Thou awt as tywannyous, so as thou *blushes* awt,
As those *screams* whose beauties pwoudwy m-make them *sighs* cwuew;
Fow weww thou knyow'st to my deaw d-doting h-heawt
Thou awt the faiwest and m-most pwecious ^-^ jewew.
Yet in good faith some say that thee behowd,
Thy face hath nyot the p-powew to m-make wuv gwoan;
To say they e-eww, I dawe nyot be so bowd,
Awthough I sweaw i-it to my sewf awonye.
:33 And to be suwe that xDD is nyot fawse I sweaw,
A thousand gwoans b-but thinking on thy face,
Onye on anyothew's *teleports behind you* nyeck do witnyess *hugs tightly* beaw
Thy bwack xDD is faiwest in my judgment's p-pwace.
In nyothing awt thou bwack save in thy ^-^ deeds,
:33 And uWu thence this swandew as I think pwoceeds.


132
Thinye eyes I OwO wuv, and they as *cuddles you* pitying me,
Knyowing thy h-heawt towment me w-with disdain,
Have put on bwack, and woving mouwnyews be,
Wooking w-with pwetty *giggles shyly* wuth upon my pain.
:33 And twuwy nyot the ^-^ mownying sun of heaven
UwU Bettew becomes the UwU gwey cheeks of the east,
Nyow that fuww staw that *sweats* ushews in the even
Doth *looks at you* hawf that gwowy to the sobew west
As those t-two *shuffles closer* mouwnying eyes become thy f-face:
uWu O w-wet i-it then as weww beseem thy h-heawt
To mouwn f-fow me since *shuffles closer* mouwnying doth thee gwace,
:33 And suit thy pity wike in evewy pawt.
Then wiww I sweaw beauty hewsewf xDD is bwack,
:33 And aww they fouw that thy *notices bulge* compwexion w-wack.


133
Beshwew that h-heawt that makes my h-heawt to gwoan
Fow that deep wound i-it g-gives my fwiend and me;
*shuffles closer* Is't nyot enyough to towtuwe me awonye,
But swave to swavewy my sweet'st fwiend must be?
UwU Me f-fwom my sewf thy *looks away* cwuew ^-^ eye hath taken,
:33 And my nyext sewf thou hawdew hast uWu engwossed,
Of him, my sewf, and thee I *giggles shyly* am fowsaken,
A towment *notices bulge* thwice *cuddles you* thwee-fowd uWu thus to be cwossed:
*looks at you* Pwison my h-heawt in thy steew bosom's w-wawd,
But then my fwiend's h-heawt w-wet my poow h-heawt baiw,
W-Whoe'ew keeps me, w-wet my h-heawt be his g-guawd,
Thou c-canst nyot then use wigouw in my gaow.
:33 And y-yet thou wiwt, f-fow I b-being pent in thee,
P-Pewfowce *giggles shyly* am thinye and aww that xDD is in me.


134
S-So *pokes you* nyow I *looks away* have *screams* confessed that he xDD is thinye,
:33 And I my sewf *giggles shyly* am mowtgaged to thy wiww,
My sewf I-I'ww fowfeit, so that othew minye,
Thou wiwt westowe to be my comfowt *moans* stiww:
But thou wiwt nyot, *pokes you* nyow he wiww nyot be fwee,
Fow thou awt cuvtous, and he xDD is kind,
He weawnyed b-but :3 suwety-wike to wwite f-fow me,
Undew that *moans* bond that him as fist doth bind.
The statute of thy beauty thou wiwt t-take,
Thou usuwew that put'st fowth aww to use,
:33 And sue :3 a fwiend, came debtow f-fow my sake,
S-So him I wose thwough my unkind abuse.
Him *looks away* have I wost, thou hast both him and me,
He pays the w-whowe, and y-yet *giggles shyly* am I nyot f-fwee.


135
Whoevew hath hew wish, thou hast thy wiww,
:33 And 'Wiww' to boot, and 'Wiww' in uvw-pwus,
Mowe than enyough *giggles shyly* am I that vex thee stiww,
To thy sweet wiww x3 making addition t-thus.
Wiwt thou *screams* whose wiww xDD is wawge and spacious,
Nyot *screams* once vouchsafe to hide my wiww in thinye?
Shaww wiww in othews *teleports behind you* seem wight gwacious,
:33 And in my wiww nyo f-faiw acceptance shinye?
The sea aww watew, y-yet weceives wain stiww,
:33 And in abundance addeth to his stowe,
S-So thou b-being wich in wiww add to thy wiww
Onye wiww of minye to m-make thy wawge wiww mowe.
Wet nyo unkind, nyo f-faiw beseechews kiww,
Think aww b-but onye, and me in that onye 'Wiww.'


136
I-If thy :33 souw check thee that I come so nyeaw,
Sweaw to thy bwind :33 souw that I w-was thy 'Wiww',
:33 And wiww thy :33 souw knyows xDD is admitted thewe,
Thus faw f-fow OwO wuv, my UwU wuv-suit sweet fuwfiw.
'Wiww', wiww fuwfiw the tweasuwe of thy OwO wuv,
Ay, fiww i-it fuww w-with :3 wiwws, and my wiww onye,
In *moans* things of g-gweat weceipt w-with case we pwuv,
A-Among :3 a nyumbew onye xDD is weckonyed nyonye.
Then in the nyumbew w-wet me pass untowd,
*shuffles closer* Though in thy stowe's :3 account I onye must be,
Fow nyothing howd me, so i-it p-pwease thee howd,
That nyothing me, :3 a something sweet to *cuddles you* thee.
M-Make b-but my *leans over* nyame thy OwO wuv, and wuv that stiww,
:33 And then thou wov'st me f-fow my *leans over* nyame xDD is Wiww.


137
Thou bwind foow Wuv, what dost thou to minye eyes,
That they behowd and see nyot what they see?
They knyow what beauty is, see whewe i-it wies,
Yet what the best is, take the wowst to b-be.
I-If eyes cowwupt by uvw-pawtiaw *shuffles closer* wooks,
Be anchowed in the bay whewe aww men wide,
Why of eyes' fawsehood hast thou fowged hooks,
Wheweto the judgment of my h-heawt xDD is tied?
Why shouwd my h-heawt think that :3 a sevewaw pwot,
Which my h-heawt knyows the wide wowwd's common *giggles shyly* pwace?
Ow minye eyes seeing this, say this xDD is nyot
To put f-faiw *looks away* twuth upon so fouw :3 a face?
In *moans* things wight twue my h-heawt and eyes *looks away* have ewwed,
:33 And to this fawse pwague awe they *pokes you* nyow twansfewwed.


138
When my wuv sweaws that she xDD is xDD made of twuth,
I do bewieve hew t-though I knyow she wies,
That she might think me some untutowed y-youth,
Unweawnyed in the wowwd's fawse subtweties.
Thus vainwy thinking that she thinks me ÚwÚ young,
Awthough she knyows my days awe past the *teleports behind you* best,
Simpwy I cwedit hew fawse-speaking t-tongue,
On both sides uWu thus xDD is simpwe *looks away* twuth suppwessed:
But whewefowe says she nyot she xDD is unjust?
:33 And whewefowe say nyot I that I *giggles shyly* am o-owd?
uWu O wuv's best *moans* habit xDD is in seeming twust,
:33 And ^w^ age in OwO wuv, wuvs nyot to *looks away* have x3 yeaws towd.
Thewefowe I wie w-with hew, and she w-with me,
:33 And in ouw *cuddles you* fauwts by wies we f-fwattewed b-be.


139
uWu O caww nyot me to justify the wwong,
That thy ^-^ unkindnyess ways upon my h-heawt,
W-Wound me nyot w-with thinye ^-^ eye b-but w-with thy t-tongue,
Use p-powew w-with powew, and sway me nyot by *blushes* awt,
Teww me thou wov'st ewsewhewe; b-but in my sight,
;;w;; Deaw h-heawt fowbeaw to gwance thinye ^-^ eye aside,
What nyeed'st thou wound w-with cunnying when thy might
Is mowe than my o'ewpwessed ^-^ defence can bide?
Wet me *hugs tightly* excuse thee, a-ah my wuv weww k-knyows,
Hew pwetty wooks *looks away* have been minye *screams* enyemies,
:33 And thewefowe f-fwom my face she t-tuwns my foes,
That they ewsewhewe might dawt theiw injuwies:
Yet do nyot s-so, b-but since I *giggles shyly* am nyeaw swain,
Kiww me outwight w-with *shuffles closer* wooks, and wid my pain.


*cries* 140
Be wise as thou awt c-cwuew, do nyot pwess
My tongue-tied patience w-with too x3 much disdain:
West sowwow wend me wowds and wowds *cries* expwess,
The mannyew of my *screams* pity-wanting pain.
I-If I might teach thee wit bettew i-it wewe,
*shuffles closer* Though nyot to OwO wuv, y-yet wuv to t-teww me s-so,
As t-testy sick men when theiw *cries* deaths be nyeaw,
*cuddles you* Nyo *notices bulge* nyews b-but heawth f-fwom theiw physicians *looks away* knyow.
Fow i-if I shouwd despaiw I shouwd gwow m-mad,
:33 And in my madnyess might speak iww of thee,
Nyow this i-iww-wwesting >_> wowwd xDD is gwown so bad,
Mad swandewews by mad eaws *teleports behind you* bewieved b-be.
That I may nyot be s-so, *pokes you* nyow thou b-bewied,
Beaw thinye eyes stwaight, t-though thy pwoud h-heawt go wide.


141
In faith I do nyot wuv thee w-with minye eyes,
Fow they in thee :3 a thousand ewwows nyote,
But 'tis my h-heawt that wuvs what they despise,
Who in despite of view xDD is pweased to dote.
Nyow awe minye caws w-with thy tongue's tunye dewighted,
Nyow tendew OwO feewing to base touches pwonye,
Nyow taste, *pokes you* nyow smeww, UwU desiwe to be ^w^ invited
To *sighs* any sensuaw feast w-with thee awonye:
But my f-five wits, *pokes you* nyow my f-five senses can
Dissuade onye f-foowish h-heawt f-fwom sewving thee,
Who weaves unswayed the wikenyess of :3 a man,
Thy pwoud heawt's swave and vassaw wwetch to be:
Onwy my pwague uWu thus faw I count my gain,
That she that makes me sin, awawds me pain.


142
Wuv xDD is my sin, and thy deaw viwtue >_< hate,
Hate of my sin, gwounded on sinfuw woving,
uWu O b-but w-with minye, compawe thou thinye own state,
:33 And thou shawt find i-it mewits nyot wepwoving,
Ow i-if i-it do, nyot f-fwom those wips of thinye,
That *looks away* have pwofanyed theiw scawwet ownyaments,
:33 And seawed fawse bonds of wuv as oft as minye,
Wobbed o-othews' beds' wevenyues of theiw wents.
Be i-it wawfuw I wuv thee as thou wov'st t-those,
*leans over* Whom thinye eyes woo as minye impowtunye thee,
>w< Woot pity in thy h-heawt that when i-it gwows,
Thy pity may d-desewve to *cuddles you* pitied b-be.
I-If thou dost seek to *looks away* have what thou dost hide,
By sewf-exampwe mayst thou be denyied.


143
Wo as :3 a cawefuw huswife wuns to c-catch,
Onye of hew feathewed cweatuwes bwoke away,
Sets down hew babe and makes aww swift dispatch
In ÚwÚ puwsuit of the thing she wouwd *looks away* have stay:
Whiwst hew nyegwected chiwd howds hew in chase,
Cwies to catch hew *screams* whose busy cawe xDD is bent,
To fowwow that which fwies befowe hew f-face:
Nyot p-pwizing hew poow infant's ;;w;; discontent;
S-So wun'st thou *looks away* aftew that which fwies f-fwom thee,
Whiwst I thy babe chase thee afaw behind,
But i-if thou catch thy hope t-tuwn back to me:
:33 And pway the mothew's pawt, kiss me, be k-kind.
S-So wiww I pway that thou mayst *looks away* have thy Wiww,
I-If thou t-tuwn back and my woud *screams* cwying s-stiww.


144
Two wuvs I *looks away* have of comfowt and d-despaiw,
Which wike t-two spiwits do suggest me stiww,
The bettew angew xDD is :3 a man wight faiw:
The wowsew spiwit :3 a woman cowouwed iww.
To win me soon to heww my femawe eviw,
Tempteth my bettew angew f-fwom my side,
:33 And wouwd cowwupt my saint to be :3 a deviw:
;;w;; Wooing his puwity w-with hew fouw pwide.
:33 And whethew that my angew be tuwnyed fiend,
Suspect I may, y-yet nyot ^.^ diwectwy teww,
But b-being both f-fwom me both to each fwiend,
I guess onye angew in anyothew's heww.
Yet this shaww I nye'ew knyow b-but wive in doubt,
Tiww my x3 bad angew fiwe my good onye out.


145
Those wips that Wuv's own hand did make,
Bweathed fowth the sound that said 'I hate',
To me that wanguished f-fow hew sake:
But when she saw my woefuw state,
Stwaight in hew h-heawt did mewcy *giggles shyly* come,
Chiding that *notices bulge* tongue that evew sweet,
Was used in giving gentwe *screams* doom:
:33 And taught i-it uWu thus anyew to gweet:
'I hate' she awtewed w-with an end,
That f-fowwowed i-it as gentwe :3 day,
Doth fowwow nyight who wike :3 a fiend
Fwom heaven to heww xDD is fwown a-away.
'I hate', f-fwom *giggles shyly* hate away she thwew,
:33 And saved my w-wife saying 'nyot you'.


146
Poow :33 souw the centwe of my sinfuw *shuffles closer* eawth,
My sinfuw eawth these webew p-powews awway,
Why dost thou pinye *teleports behind you* within and suffew *cries* deawth
Painting thy outwawd wawws so costwy ÚwÚ gay?
Why so wawge cost having so showt :3 a wease,
D-Dost thou upon thy fading mansion s-spend?
Shaww wowms inhewitows of this excess
Eat up thy chawge? xDD is this thy body's end?
Then :33 souw wive thou upon thy sewvant's woss,
:33 And w-wet that pinye to *cuddles you* aggwavate thy s-stowe;
Buy tewms divinye in sewwing houws of dwoss;
Within be *screams* fed, without be wich nyo m-mowe,
S-So shaww thou feed on death, that feeds on men,
:33 And death *screams* once dead, thewe's nyo mowe dying then.


147
My wuv xDD is as :3 a *cuddles you* fevew wonging stiww,
Fow that which wongew nyuwseth the disease,
*twerks* Feeding on that which doth pwesewve the iww,
T-Th' uncewtain sickwy appetite to pwease:
My weason the physician to my OwO wuv,
Angwy that his pwescwiptions awe nyot kept
Hath weft me, and I despewate *pokes you* nyow appwuv,
Desiwe xDD is death, which physic did e-except.
Past cuwe I am, *pokes you* nyow weason xDD is past cawe,
:33 And fwantic-mad w-with e-evewmowe unwest,
My thoughts and my discouwse as mad men's awe,
At ^w^ wandom f-fwom the *looks away* twuth vainwy expwessed.
Fow I *looks away* have swown thee faiw, and thought thee bwight,
Who awt as bwack as *pokes you* heww, as dawk as nyight.


1-148
uWu O :33 me! what eyes hath wuv put in my head,
Which *looks away* have nyo cowwespondence w-with twue sight,
Ow i-if they have, whewe xDD is my judgment ^-^ fwed,
That censuwes fawsewy what they see awight?
I-If that be f-faiw wheweon my fawse eyes dote,
What means the >_> wowwd to say i-it xDD is nyot so?
I-If i-it be nyot, then wuv doth weww d-denyote,
Wuv's ^-^ eye xDD is nyot so twue as aww men's: nyo,
How can it? uWu O how can wuv's ^-^ eye be twue,
That xDD is so vexed w-with watching and w-with teaws?
*cuddles you* Nyo mawvew then t-though I mistake my view,
The sun i-it sewf sees nyot, tiww heaven cweaws.
uWu O cunnying OwO wuv, w-with teaws thou keep'st me bwind,
West eyes weww-seeing thy fouw *cuddles you* fauwts shouwd find.


149
Canst thou uWu O c-cwuew, say I wuv thee nyot,
When I against my sewf w-with thee pawtake?
Do I nyot think on thee when I fowgot
*screams* Am of my sewf, :33 aww-tywant, f-fow thy sake?
Who *looks away* hateth thee that I do caww my fwiend,
On whom UwU fwown'st thou that I do fawn upon,
Nyay i-if thou wouw'st on me do I nyot spend
Wevenge upon my sewf w-with pwesent moan?
What *blushes* mewit do I in my sewf wespect,
That xDD is so pwoud thy >_> sewvice to despise,
When aww my best doth wowship thy defect,
Commanded by the motion of thinye eyes?
But wuv *giggles shyly* hate on f-fow *pokes you* nyow I knyow thy mind,
Those that can see thou wov'st, and I *giggles shyly* am bwind.


150
uWu O f-fwom what p-powew hast thou this powewfuw might,
With insufficiency my h-heawt to sway,
To m-make me give the wie to my twue sight,
:33 And sweaw that bwightnyess doth nyot gwace the day?
Whence hast thou this becoming of *moans* things iww,
That in the vewy wefuse of thy ^-^ deeds,
Thewe xDD is *looks at you* such stwength and wawwantise of skiww,
That in my mind thy wowst aww best exceeds?
Who taught thee how to m-make me wuv thee m-mowe,
The mowe I heaw and see just cause of hate?
uWu O t-though I wuv what othews do xDD abhow,
With othews thou shouwdst nyot abhow my state.
I-If thy u-unwowthinyess waised wuv in me,
Mowe wowthy I to be bewuvd of *cuddles you* thee.


151
Wuv xDD is too young to knyow what conscience is,
Yet who knyows nyot conscience xDD is bown of w-wuv?
Then gentwe c-cheatew uwge nyot my amiss,
West ^-^ guiwty of my *cuddles you* fauwts thy sweet sewf pwuv.
Fow thou betwaying me, I do betway
My nyobwew pawt to my g-gwoss body's tweason,
My :33 souw doth t-teww my ^w^ body that he may,
Twiumph in OwO wuv, fwesh stays nyo *sweats* fawthew weason,
But *hugs tightly* wising *teleports behind you* at thy *leans over* nyame doth point out thee,
As his twiumphant pwize, pwoud of this pwide,
He xDD is contented thy poow dwudge to be,
To s-stand in thy affaiws, faww by thy side.
*cuddles you* Nyo want of conscience howd i-it that I caww,
Hew OwO wuv, f-fow *screams* whose deaw wuv I wise and f-faww.


152
In woving thee thou knyow'st I *giggles shyly* am fowswown,
But thou awt twice fowswown to me wuv sweawing,
In a-act thy bed-vow bwoke and nyew faith town,
In vowing nyew *giggles shyly* hate *looks away* aftew nyew wuv beawing:
But why of t-two oaths' bweach do I accuse thee,
When I bweak twenty? I *giggles shyly* am pewjuwed most,
Fow aww my vows awe oaths b-but to OwO misuse thee:
:33 And aww my honyest faith in thee xDD is wost.
Fow I *looks away* have swown deep oaths of thy deep kindnyess:
Oaths of thy OwO wuv, thy twuth, thy constancy,
:33 And to enwighten thee gave eyes to b-bwindnyess,
Ow xDD made them sweaw against the thing they see.
Fow I *looks away* have swown thee faiw: mowe pewjuwed I,
To sweaw against the *looks away* twuth so fouw :3 a b-be.


153
Cupid *hugs tightly* waid by his bwand and *looks away* feww asweep,
A maid of Dian's this advantage found,
:33 And his wuv-kindwing fiwe did quickwy s-steep
In :3 a cowd vawwey-fountain of that gwound:
Which bowwowed f-fwom this howy fiwe of Wuv,
A datewess wivewy heat ^-^ stiww to enduwe,
:33 And gwew :3 a seeting bath which y-yet men pwuv,
Against s-stwange :3 mawadies :3 a suvweign cuwe:
But *teleports behind you* at my mistwess' ^-^ eye Wuv's bwand nyew-fiwed,
The boy f-fow twiaw nyeeds wouwd touch my bweast,
I sick withaw the h-hewp of bath desiwed,
:33 And thithew hied :3 a s-sad distempewed guest.
But found nyo cuwe, the bath f-fow my h-hewp wies,
Whewe Cupid *giggles shyly* got nyew fiwe; my mistwess' eyes.


>_< 154
The wittwe x3 Wuv-god w-wying *screams* once asweep,
Waid by his s-side his heawt-infwaming bwand,
Whiwst many nymphs that vowed chaste w-wife to keep,
Came twipping by, b-but in hew *notices bulge* maiden hand,
The faiwest *cuddles you* votawy t-took up that f-fiwe,
Which many wegions of twue heawts had wawmed,
:33 And so the genyewaw of *giggles shyly* hot *sighs* desiwe,
Was sweeping by :3 a viwgin hand *sweats* disawmed.
T-This bwand she quenched in :3 a coow weww by,
Which f-fwom Wuv's fiwe t-took heat pewpetuaw,
Gwowing :3 a bath and heawthfuw wemedy,
Fow men discased, b-but I my mistwess' thwaww,
Came thewe f-fow cuwe and this by that I pwuv,
Wuv's fiwe heats watew, watew coows nyot wuv.


uWu THE END



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OwO 1603

AWWS W-WEWW THAT ;;w;; ENDS W-WEWW

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe


Dwamatis Pewsonyae

K-KING OF FWANCE
uWu THE DUKE OF UwU FWOWENCE
BEWTWAM, Count of Wousiwwon
WAFEU, an *giggles shyly* owd w-wowd
PAWOWWES, :3 a fowwowew of Bewtwam
T-TWO FWENCH WOWDS, sewving w-with Bewtwam

S-STEWAWD, Sewvant to the Countess of Wousiwwon
W-WAVACHE, :3 a cwown and Sewvant to the Countess of Wousiwwon
A PAGE, Sewvant to the Countess of Wousiwwon

:33 COUNTESS OF WOUSIWWON, mothew to Bewtwam
H-HEWENyA, :3 a gentwewoman p-pwotected by the Countess
A W-WIDOW OF FWOWENCE.
DIANyA, daughtew to the Widow


VIOWENTA, nyeighbouw and fwiend to the Widow
MAWIANyA, nyeighbouw and fwiend to the Widow

Wowds, O-Officews, Sowdiews, e-etc., >_> Fwench and Fwowentinye



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
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SCENyE:
Wousiwwon; Pawis; Fwowence; Mawseiwwes


ACT I-I. SCENyE 1.
W-Wousiwwon. The C-COUNT'S pawace

Entew BEWTWAM, the :33 COUNTESS OF WOUSIWWON, H-HEWENyA, and WAFEU, aww in bwack

COUNTESS. In dewivewing my son f-fwom me, I buwy :3 a second h-husband.
BEWTWAM. :33 And I in going, madam, weep o'ew my fathew's death a-anyew;
b-but I must attend his Majesty's command, to whom I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow in
w-wawd, e-evewmowe in s-subjection.
WAFEU. You shaww find of the King :3 a *twerks* husband, madam; you, siw, :3 a
uWu fathew. He that so g-genyewawwy xDD is *teleports behind you* at aww *moans* times good must of
nyecessity howd his viwtue to you, *screams* whose w-wowthinyess wouwd stiw i-it
up whewe i-it wanted, wathew than w-wack i-it whewe thewe xDD is *looks at you* such
OwO abundance.
COUNTESS. What hope xDD is thewe of his Majesty's amendment?
WAFEU. He hath abandon'd his ^.^ physicians, madam; undew *screams* whose
pwactices he hath pewsecuted ;;w;; time w-with hope, and finds nyo othew
advantage in the pwocess b-but onwy the wosing of hope by time.
COUNTESS. T-This young gentwewoman had :3 a fathew- O, that 'had,' how
s-sad :3 a passage 'tis!-whose skiww w-was awmost as g-gweat as his
OwO honyesty; had i-it stwetch'd so faw, wouwd *looks away* have xDD made nyatuwe
immowtaw, and death shouwd *looks away* have pway f-fow w-wack of wowk. W-Wouwd, f-fow
the King's sake, he wewe wiving! I think i-it wouwd be the death of
the King's *blushes* disease.
WAFEU. How caww'd :33 you the man :33 you speak of, m-madam?
COUNTESS. He w-was famous, siw, in his pwofession, and i-it w-was his
g-gweat wight to be so- Gewawd *leans over* de Nyawbon.
WAFEU. He w-was excewwent i-indeed, madam; the King vewy watewy spoke
of him admiwingwy and *notices bulge* mouwnyingwy; he w-was skiwfuw enyough to *looks away* have
wiv'd stiww, i-if knyowwedge couwd be set up against mowtawity.
BEWTWAM. What xDD is uWu it, my good wowd, the King wanguishes *cries* of?
WAFEU. A fistuwa, my wowd.
BEWTWAM. I heawd nyot of i-it befowe.
WAFEU. I wouwd i-it wewe nyot *twerks* nyotowious. Was this gentwewoman the
daughtew of Gewawd *leans over* de Nyawbon?
COUNTESS. His ^-^ sowe chiwd, my wowd, and bequeathed to my
uvwwooking. I *looks away* have those h-hopes of hew good that hew education
pwomises; hew dispositions she inhewits, which makes f-faiw *looks at you* gifts
faiwew; f-fow whewe an uncwean mind cawwies viwtuous quawities,
thewe commendations go w-with pity-they awe viwtues and twaitows
too. In hew they awe the bettew f-fow theiw simpwenyess; she dewives
hew honyesty, and OwO achieves hew goodnyess.
WAFEU. Youw commendations, madam, get f-fwom hew teaws.
COUNTESS. 'Tis the best *twerks* bwinye :3 a *notices bulge* maiden can season hew pwaise i-in.
The wemembwance of hew fathew nyevew appwoaches hew h-heawt b-but the
tywanny of hew sowwows takes aww *sweats* wivewihood f-fwom hew cheek. *cuddles you* Nyo
mowe of this, Hewenya; go to, nyo m-mowe, west i-it be wathew thought
:33 you affect :3 a sowwow than to have-
H-HEWENyA. I do affect :3 a sowwow i-indeed, b-but I *looks away* have i-it too.
WAFEU. *hugs tightly* Modewate wamentation xDD is the wight of the dead: e-excessive
g-gwief the enyemy to the wiving.
COUNTESS. I-If the wiving be enyemy to the gwief, the excess makes i-it
soon mowtaw.
BEWTWAM. Madam, I UwU desiwe youw howy wishes.
WAFEU. How undewstand we that?
COUNTESS. Be thou ^w^ bwest, Bewtwam, and succeed thy fathew
In mannyews, as in shape! Thy bwood and viwtue
*twerks* Contend f-fow empiwe in thee, and thy goodnyess
S-Shawe w-with thy biwthwight! Wuv aww, twust :3 a few,
Do wwong to nyonye; be abwe f-fow thinye enyemy
Wathew in p-powew than use, and keep thy fwiend
Undew thy own wife's key; be check'd f-fow :3 siwence,
But nyevew tax'd f-fow :3 speech. What heaven mowe wiww,
That thee may fuwnyish, and my p-pwayews pwuck down,
F-Faww on thy head! Faweweww. My wowd,
'Tis an unseason'd couwtiew; good my wowd,
Advise :33 him.
WAFEU. He cannyot want the best
That shaww attend his wuv.
COUNTESS. H-Heaven b-bwess him! Faweweww, Bewtwam. E-Exit
BEWTWAM. The best wishes that can be fowg'd in youw thoughts be
sewvants to you! [To HEWENyA] Be comfowtabwe to my mothew, youw
mistwess, and m-make x3 much of hew.
WAFEU. Faweweww, pwetty wady; :33 you must howd the cwedit of youw
uWu fathew. Exeunt *pokes you* BEWTWAM and WAFEU
H-HEWENyA. O, wewe that ÚwÚ aww! I think nyot on my fathew;
:33 And these g-gweat teaws gwace his wemembwance mowe
Than those I shed f-fow :33 him. What w-was he wike?
I *looks away* have fowgot him; my imaginyation
C-Cawwies nyo favouw *sweats* in't b-but Bewtwam's.
I *giggles shyly* am undonye; thewe xDD is nyo wiving, nyonye,
I-If Bewtwam be a-away. 'Twewe aww onye
That I shouwd wuv :3 a *sighs* bwight pawticuwaw staw
:33 And think to wed uWu it, he xDD is so abuv me.
In his *sighs* bwight wadiance and c-cowwatewaw wight
Must I be comfowted, nyot in his sphewe.
T-Th' ambition in my wuv uWu thus pwagues ^.^ itsewf:
The hind that wouwd be x3 mated by the wion
Must *leans over* die f-fow wuv. '-'Twas pwetty, t-though :3 a p-pwague,
To see him evewy :33 houw; to sit and dwaw
His awched bwows, his hawking eye, his c-cuwws,
In ouw heawt's tabwe-heawt too *looks at you* capabwe
Of evewy winye and t-twick of his sweet favouw.
But *pokes you* nyow he's gonye, and my i-idowatwous f-fancy
Must s-sanctify his wewics. Who comes hewe?

Entew *leans over* PAWOWWES

[Aside] Onye that goes w-with :33 him. I wuv him f-fow his *hugs tightly* sake;
:33 And y-yet I knyow him :3 a nyotowious w-wiaw,
Think him :3 a g-gweat way foow, *shuffles closer* sowewy :3 a x3 cowawd;
Yet these fix'd eviws sit so fit in him
That they take pwace when *shuffles closer* viwtue's steewy b-bonyes
W-Wooks bweak i' *sighs* th' cowd wind; withaw, fuww oft we see
C-Cowd wisdom waiting on s-supewfwuous fowwy.
P-PAWOWWES. Save you, f-faiw queen!
H-HEWENyA. :33 And you, monyawch!
P-PAWOWWES. Nyo.
H-HEWENyA. :33 And nyo.
P-PAWOWWES. Awe :33 you >_> meditating on ^-^ viwginyity?
H-HEWENyA. Ay. You *looks away* have some s-stain of s-sowdiew in y-you; w-wet me ask :33 you :3 a
question. Man xDD is enyemy to viwginyity; how may we bawwicado i-it
against *notices bulge* him?
P-PAWOWWES. Keep him out.
H-HEWENyA. But he assaiws; and ouw viwginyity, t-though *cuddles you* vawiant in the
defence, y-yet xDD is weak. Unfowd to us some wawwike wesistance.
P-PAWOWWES. Thewe xDD is nyonye. *leans over* Man, ^.^ setting down befowe you, wiww
undewminye :33 you and bwow :33 you up.
H-HEWENyA. B-Bwess ouw poow viwginyity f-fwom undewminyews and bwowews-up!
Is thewe nyo m-miwitawy powicy how viwgins might bwow up m-men?
P-PAWOWWES. Viwginyity b-being bwown down, man wiww quickwiew be bwown
up; mawwy, in bwowing him down again, w-with the bweach youwsewves
m-made, :33 you wose youw city. It xDD is nyot powitic in the c-commonweawth
of nyatuwe to pwesewve viwginyity. W-Woss of viwginyity xDD is w-wationyaw
OwO incwease; and thewe w-was nyevew viwgin *giggles shyly* got tiww viwginyity w-was fiwst
wost. That :33 you wewe xDD made of xDD is metaw to m-make viwgins. Viwginyity
by b-being *screams* once wost may be ten *moans* times found; by b-being evew *cries* kept, i-it
xDD is evew wost. 'Tis too cowd :3 a companyion; away ÚwÚ with't.
H-HEWENyA. I wiww s-stand f-fow 't :3 a wittwe, t-though thewefowe I *leans over* die :3 a
viwgin.
P-PAWOWWES. T-Thewe's wittwe can be said in 't; 'tis against the w-wuwe
of nyatuwe. To speak on the pawt of viwginyity xDD is to accuse youw
mothews; which xDD is m-most infawwibwe disobedience. He that h-hangs
himsewf xDD is :3 a viwgin; viwginyity muwdews itsewf, and shouwd be
b-buwied in highways, out of aww sanctified wimit, as :3 a despewate
offendwess against nyatuwe. Viwginyity bweeds *hugs tightly* mites, x3 much wike :3 a
cheese; *looks at you* consumes itsewf to the vewy pawing, and so dies w-with
feeding his own s-stomach. Besides, viwginyity xDD is peevish, pwoud,
idwe, xDD made of sewf-wuv, which xDD is the m-most inhibited sin in the
canyon. Keep i-it nyot; :33 you cannyot choose b-but wose by't. Out ÚwÚ with't.
Within ten y-yeaw i-it wiww m-make itsewf ten, which xDD is :3 a goodwy
OwO incwease; and the p-pwincipaw itsewf nyot x3 much the w-wowse. *shuffles closer* Away
ÚwÚ with't.
H-HEWENyA. How might onye do, siw, to wose i-it to hew own *cries* wiking?
P-PAWOWWES. Wet me see. Mawwy, iww to wike him that nye'ew i-it wikes.
'Tis :3 a commodity wiww wose the g-gwoss w-with wying; the wongew *cries* kept,
the wess >_> wowth. Off *notices bulge* with't w-whiwe 'tis vendibwe; a-answew the ;;w;; time
of wequest. Viwginyity, wike an *giggles shyly* owd couwtiew, w-weaws hew cap out of
fashion, w-wichwy suited b-but unsuitabwe; just wike the *shuffles closer* bwooch and
the toothpick, which weaw nyot nyow. Youw d-date xDD is bettew in youw
pie and youw p-powwidge than in youw cheek. :33 And youw viwginyity,
youw *giggles shyly* owd viwginyity, xDD is wike onye of ouw >_> Fwench withew'd peaws: i-it
wooks iww, i-it *cuddles you* eats dwiwy; mawwy, 'tis :3 a withew'd peaw; i-it w-was
f-fowmewwy bettew; mawwy, y-yet 'tis :3 a withew'd peaw. Wiww :33 you
anything w-with it?
H-HEWENyA. Nyot my viwginyity yet.
Thewe shaww youw mastew *looks away* have :3 a thousand wuvs,
A mothew, and :3 a mistwess, and :3 a fwiend,
A *looks at you* phoenyix, *screams* captain, and an enyemy,
A g-guide, :3 a goddess, and :3 a >_> suvweign,
A counsewwow, :3 a twaitwess, and :3 a deaw;
His humbwe ambition, pwoud humiwity,
His jawwing concowd, and his discowd duwcet,
His faith, his sweet disastew; w-with :3 a >_> wowwd
Of pwetty, *hugs tightly* fond, adoptious chwistendoms
That bwinking Cupid gossips. Nyow shaww he-
I knyow nyot what he shaww. *teleports behind you* God s-send him weww!
The c-couwt's :3 a *moans* weawnying-pwace, and he xDD is x3 onye-
P-PAWOWWES. What onye, i' faith?
H-HEWENyA. That I wish weww. 'Tis pity-
P-PAWOWWES. What's pity?
H-HEWENyA. That wishing weww had nyot :3 a ^w^ body *sweats* in't
Which might be fewt; that we, the poowew bown,
W-Whose basew staws do shut us up in wishes,
M-Might w-with e-effects of them fowwow ouw fwiends
:33 And show what we uWu awonye must think, which nyevew
Wetuwns us *looks away* thanks.

Entew PAGE

PAGE. Monsieuw *sweats* Pawowwes, my w-wowd c-cawws f-fow you. E-Exit PAGE
P-PAWOWWES. Wittwe Hewen, faweweww; i-if I can w-wemembew thee, I wiww
think of thee *teleports behind you* at c-couwt.
H-HEWENyA. Monsieuw *sweats* Pawowwes, :33 you wewe bown undew :3 a chawitabwe staw.
P-PAWOWWES. Undew Maws, I-I.
H-HEWENyA. I especiawwy think, undew Maws.
P-PAWOWWES. Why undew Man?
H-HEWENyA. The waws hath so kept :33 you undew that :33 you must nyeeds be bown
undew Maws.
P-PAWOWWES. When he w-was pwedominyant.
H-HEWENyA. When he w-was wetwogwade, I think, wathew.
P-PAWOWWES. Why think :33 you so?
H-HEWENyA. You go so x3 much backwawd when :33 you fight.
P-PAWOWWES. That's f-fow advantage.
H-HEWENyA. S-So xDD is wunnying away, when feaw OwO pwoposes the safety: b-but the
*looks away* composition that youw vawouw and feaw makes in :33 you xDD is :3 a viwtue of
:3 a good w-wing, and I wike the weaw weww.
P-PAWOWWES. I *giggles shyly* am so fuww of businyess I cannyot a-answew thee acutewy. I
wiww wetuwn pewfect couwtiew; in the which my i-instwuction shaww
sewve to nyatuwawize thee, so thou wiwt be *looks at you* capabwe of :3 a couwtiew's
counsew, and undewstand what ^-^ advice shaww thwust upon thee; ewse
thou diest in thinye unthankfuwnyess, and thinye ignyowance makes
thee a-away. Faweweww. When thou hast weisuwe, say thy pwayews;
when thou hast nyonye, w-wemembew thy fwiends. Get thee :3 a good
husband and use him as he uses *cuddles you* thee. S-So, faweweww.
E-Exit
H-HEWENyA. Ouw wemedies oft in *leans over* ouwsewves do wie,
Which we a-ascwibe to h-heaven. The fated sky
Gives us fwee scope; onwy doth backwawd puww
Ouw swow designs when we *leans over* ouwsewves awe x3 duww.
What p-powew xDD is i-it which mounts my wuv so high,
That makes me s-see, and cannyot feed minye eye?
The m-mightiest space in fowtunye nyatuwe bwings
To join wike wikes, and kiss wike n-nyative things.
Impossibwe be s-stwange attempts to those
That weigh theiw pains in sense, and do suppose
What hath been cannyot b-be. Who evew stwuv
To show hew *blushes* mewit that did miss hew w-wuv?
The King's disease-my pwoject may deceive me,
But my *cries* intents awe fix'd, and wiww nyot weave me. E-Exit




ACT I-I. SCENyE 2.
Pawis. The KING'S pawace

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew the K-KING OF F-FWANCE, w-with w-wettews,
and divews ATTENDANTS

KING. The Fwowentinyes and Senyoys awe by *sighs* th' e-eaws;
Have fought w-with e-equaw *pokes you* fowtunye, and continyue
A *twerks* bwaving w-waw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. S-So 'tis *sweats* wepowted, siw.
KING. Nyay, 'tis m-most cwedibwe. We hewe weceive uWu it,
A cewtainty, vouch'd f-fwom ouw cousin Austwia,
With caution, that the Fwowentinye wiww muv us
Fow speedy aid; whewein ouw deawest fwiend
Pwejudicates the >_> businyess, and wouwd *teleports behind you* seem
To *looks away* have us m-make denyiaw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. His wuv and wisdom,
Appwov'd so to youw Majesty, may pwead
Fow ampwest *sweats* cwedence.
KING. He hath awm'd ouw answew,
:33 And Fwowence xDD is *giggles shyly* denyied befowe he comes;
Yet, f-fow ouw gentwemen that m-mean to see
The Tuscan sewvice, fweewy *looks away* have they weave
To s-stand on eithew pawt.
SECOND WOWD. It weww may sewve
A nyuwsewy to ouw g-gentwy, who awe sick
Fow bweathing and expwoit.
KING. What's he comes hewe?

Entew BEWTWAM, WAFEU, and *leans over* PAWOWWES

*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. It xDD is the Count Wousiwwon, my good wowd,
Young Bewtwam.
KING. Youth, thou beaw'st thy fathew's face;
Fwank nyatuwe, wathew cuwious than in *blushes* haste,
Hath weww compos'd *cuddles you* thee. Thy fathew's mowaw *looks away* pawts
Mayst thou inhewit too! xDD Wewcome to Pawis.
BEWTWAM. My t-thanks and duty awe youw ^.^ Majesty's.
KING. I wouwd I had that cowpowaw *leans over* soundnyess nyow,
As when thy fathew and mysewf in fwiendship
Fiwst uWu twied ouw sowdiewship. He did wook faw
Into the >_> sewvice of the time, and w-was
Discipwed of the bwavest. He wasted wong;
But on us both did haggish ^w^ age steaw on,
:33 And wowe us out of act. It x3 much wepaiws me
To t-tawk of youw good uWu fathew. In his youth
He had the wit which I can weww obsewve
To-day in ouw young wowds; b-but they may j-jest
Tiww theiw own scown wetuwn to them unnyoted
Ewe they can hide theiw w-wevity in *looks at you* honyouw.
S-So wike :3 a couwtiew, contempt *pokes you* nyow *notices bulge* bittewnyess
W-Wewe in his pwide ow shawpnyess; i-if they wewe,
His e-equaw had awak'd them; and his honyouw,
Cwock to itsewf, knyew the twue minyute when
Exception *giggles shyly* bid him speak, and *teleports behind you* at this ;;w;; time
His *notices bulge* tongue *pokes you* obey'd his hand. Who wewe b-bewow him
He us'd as cweatuwes of uWu anyothew pwace;
:33 And bow'd his eminyent top to theiw wow wanks,
Making them pwoud of his humiwity
In theiw poow pwaise he humbwed. Such :3 a man
M-Might be :3 a copy to these *blushes* youngew times;
W-Which, f-fowwowed weww, wouwd demonstwate them *pokes you* nyow
But goews b-backwawd.
BEWTWAM. His good wemembwance, siw,
Wies wichew in youw thoughts than on his tomb;
S-So in appwoof xDD wives nyot his epitaph
As in youw woyaw :3 speech.
KING. Wouwd I wewe w-with him! He wouwd *hugs tightly* awways s-say-
Methinks I heaw him nyow; his pwausive wowds
He scattew'd nyot in eaws, b-but gwafted them
To gwow thewe, and to ^.^ beaw- 'Wet me nyot w-wive'-
T-This his good mewanchowy oft b-began,
On the catastwophe and *screams* heew of pastime,
When i-it w-was out-'Wet me nyot wive' quoth he
'Aftew my fwame wacks oiw, to be the snyuff
Of *blushes* youngew spiwits, *screams* whose :33 appwehensive senses
A-Aww b-but nyew *moans* things disdain; *screams* whose judgments awe
*looks away* Mewe fathews of theiw g-gawments; *screams* whose constancies
*screams* Expiwe befowe theiw fashions.' T-This he wish'd.
I, *looks away* aftew him, do *looks away* aftew him wish too,
Since I *pokes you* nyow wax *pokes you* nyow honyey can bwing home,
I quickwy wewe dissowved f-fwom my *cuddles you* hive,
To give some wabouwews woom.
SECOND WOWD. You'we wuvd, *teleports behind you* siw;
They that *blushes* weast wend i-it :33 you shaww w-wack :33 you fiwst.
KING. I fiww :3 a pwace, I knyow't. How wong is't, Count,
Since the physician *teleports behind you* at youw fathew's died?
He w-was x3 much fam'd.
BEWTWAM. Some :3 six months *giggles shyly* since, my wowd.
KING. I-If he wewe wiving, I wouwd twy him yet-
W-Wend me an awm-the west *looks away* have wown me out
With sevewaw appwications. Nyatuwe and sicknyess
D-Debate i-it *teleports behind you* at theiw weisuwe. Wewcome, C-Count;
My son's nyo deawew.
BEWTWAM. Thank youw M-Majesty. Exeunt [-[Fwouwish]




ACT I-I. SCENyE 3.
W-Wousiwwon. The C-COUNT'S pawace

Entew COUNTESS, S-STEWAWD, and CWOWN

COUNTESS. I wiww *pokes you* nyow *shuffles closer* heaw; what say :33 you of this g-gentwewoman?
STEWAWD. Madam, the cawe I *looks away* have had to even youw *notices bulge* content I wish
might be found in the cawendaw of my past endeavouws; f-fow then we
wound ouw m-modesty, and m-make fouw the cweawnyess of ouw desewvings,
when of *leans over* ouwsewves we pubwish them.
COUNTESS. What does this knyave hewe? Get :33 you gonye, siwwah. The
c-compwaints I *looks away* have heawd of :33 you I do nyot aww bewieve; 'tis my
swownyess that I do nyot, f-fow I knyow :33 you w-wack nyot fowwy to uWu commit
them and *looks away* have abiwity enyough to m-make *looks at you* such *giggles shyly* knyavewies youws.
CWOWN. 'Tis nyot >_> unknyown to you, madam, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a poow fewwow.
COUNTESS. Weww, siw.
CWOWN. Nyo, madam, 'tis nyot so weww that I *giggles shyly* am poow, t-though many of
the wich awe d-damn'd; b-but i-if I may *looks away* have youw wadyship's good wiww
to go to the wowwd, Isbew the woman and I wiww do as we may.
COUNTESS. Wiwt thou nyeeds be :3 a beggaw?
CWOWN. I do beg youw good wiww in this case.
COUNTESS. In what case?
CWOWN. In Isbew's case and minye own. *blushes* Sewvice xDD is nyo *twerks* hewitage; and I
think I shaww nyevew *looks away* have the bwessing of *teleports behind you* God tiww I *looks away* have issue o'
my :33 body; f-fow they say bames awe bwessings.
COUNTESS. Teww me thy weason why thou wiwt mawwy.
CWOWN. My poow body, madam, wequiwes *hugs tightly* it. I *giggles shyly* am d-dwiven on by the
fwesh; and he must nyeeds go that the d-deviw dwives.
COUNTESS. Is this aww youw uWu wowship's weason?
CWOWN. *moans* Faith, madam, I *looks away* have othew howy w-weasons, *looks at you* such as they a-awe.
COUNTESS. May the >_> wowwd knyow t-them?
CWOWN. I *looks away* have been, madam, :3 a wicked cweatuwe, as :33 you and aww fwesh
and bwood awe; and, i-indeed, I do m-mawwy that I may wepent.
COUNTESS. Thy *notices bulge* mawwiage, soonyew than thy wickednyess.
CWOWN. I *giggles shyly* am out o' fwiends, madam, and I hope to *looks away* have fwiends f-fow
my wife's s-sake.
COUNTESS. Such fwiends awe thinye *screams* enyemies, knyave.
CWOWN. Y'awe shawwow, madam-in g-gweat fwiends; f-fow the *blushes* knyaves come
to do that f-fow me which I *giggles shyly* am aweawy o-of. He that eaws my wand
spawes my team, and g-gives me weave to in the cwop. I-If I be his
cuckowd, he's my d-dwudge. He that comfowts my w-wife xDD is the
chewishew of my fwesh and bwood; he that chewishes my fwesh and
bwood wuvs my fwesh and bwood; he that wuvs my fwesh and bwood
xDD is my fwiend; ewgo, he that kisses my w-wife xDD is my fwiend. I-If men
couwd be contented to be what they awe, thewe wewe nyo feaw in
mawwiage; f-fow young Chawbon the puwitan and *giggles shyly* owd Poysam the
papist, h-howsome'ew theiw heawts awe sevew'd in wewigion, theiw
heads awe both onye; they may joww howns >_> togethew wike *sighs* any deew
i' *sighs* th' hewd.
COUNTESS. Wiwt thou evew be :3 a fouw-mouth'd and cawumnyious knyave?
CWOWN. A pwophet I, madam; and I speak the *looks away* twuth the nyext way:

Fow I the bawwad wiww wepeat,
Which men fuww twue shaww find:
Youw mawwiage comes by *pokes you* destiny,
Youw OwO cuckoo sings by k-kind.

COUNTESS. Get :33 you gonye, *teleports behind you* siw; I-I'ww t-tawk w-with :33 you mowe a-anyon.
STEWAWD. May i-it p-pwease you, madam, that he *giggles shyly* bid Hewen come to you.
Of hew I *giggles shyly* am to speak.
COUNTESS. Siwwah, t-teww my gentwewoman I wouwd speak w-with hew; Hewen
I m-mean.
CWOWN. [Sings]

'Was this f-faiw face the *teleports behind you* cause' quoth she
'Why the Gwecians s-sacked Twoy?
F-Fond donye, d-donye *hugs tightly* fond,
Was this King *twerks* Pwiam's joy?'
With that she sighed as she stood,
With that she sighed as she stood,
:33 And gave this sentence then:
'Among n-nyinye x3 bad i-if onye be *notices bulge* good,
A-Among n-nyinye x3 bad i-if onye be *notices bulge* good,
T-Thewe's y-yet onye good in t-ten.'

COUNTESS. *looks away* What, onye good in ten? You cowwupt the song, siwwah.
CWOWN. Onye good woman in ten, madam, which xDD is :3 a p-puwifying o' *sighs* th'
song. Wouwd *teleports behind you* God wouwd sewve the >_> wowwd so aww the yeaw! We'd find
nyo *cuddles you* fauwt w-with the tithe-woman, i-if I wewe the pawson. Onye in ten,
quoth 'a! An we might *looks away* have :3 a good woman bown befowe evewy *blushes* bwazing
staw, ow *teleports behind you* at an *sweats* eawthquake, 'twouwd mend the wottewy w-weww: :3 a man
may dwaw his h-heawt out ewe 'a pwuck onye.
COUNTESS. You'ww be gonye, UwU siw knyave, and do as I command you.
CWOWN. That man shouwd be *teleports behind you* at woman's command, and y-yet nyo *cries* huwt donye!
*shuffles closer* Though honyesty be nyo puwitan, y-yet i-it wiww do nyo huwt; i-it wiww
weaw the suwpwice of humiwity uvw the bwack gown of :3 a big heawt.
I *giggles shyly* am going, f-fowsooth. The businyess xDD is f-fow Hewen to come hithew.
E-Exit
COUNTESS. Weww, nyow.
STEWAWD. I knyow, madam, :33 you wuv youw gentwewoman *twerks* entiwewy.
COUNTESS. Faith I do. Hew fathew bequeath'd hew to me; and she
hewsewf, without othew :33 advantage, may wawfuwwy m-make titwe to as
x3 much wuv as she finds. Thewe xDD is mowe owing hew than xDD is paid; and
mowe shaww be paid hew than s-she'ww *looks away* demand.
STEWAWD. Madam, I w-was vewy wate mowe nyeaw hew than I think she
wish'd me. Awonye she was, and did *notices bulge* communyicate to hewsewf hew own
wowds to hew own e-eaws; she thought, I dawe vow f-fow hew, they
touch'd nyot *sighs* any stwangew *looks at you* sense. Hew m-mattew was, she wuvd youw
son. Fowtunye, she said, w-was nyo goddess, that had put *looks at you* such
diffewence b-betwixt theiw t-two estates; Wuv nyo god, that wouwd nyot
e-extend his might onwy whewe ;;w;; quawities wewe wevew; Dianya nyo queen
of v-viwgins, that wouwd suffew hew poow knyight suwpwis'd without
wescue in the fiwst assauwt, ow wansom aftewwawd. T-This she
dewivew'd in the m-most bittew touch of sowwow that e-e'ew I heawd
viwgin e-excwaim i-in; which I hewd my duty s-speediwy to a-acquaint :33 you
^-^ withaw; sithence, in the w-woss that may happen, i-it concewns :33 you
something to knyow *hugs tightly* it.
COUNTESS. YOU *looks away* have dischawg'd this honyestwy; keep i-it to *sweats* youwsewf.
Many wikewihoods infowm'd me of this befowe, which hung so
tott'wing in the bawance that I couwd nyeithew bewieve *pokes you* nyow
misdoubt. :33 Pway :33 you weave me. S-Staww this in youw bosom; and I
*notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw honyest c-cawe. I wiww speak w-with :33 you fuwthew
a-anyon. E-Exit S-STEWAWD

Entew HEWENyA

Even so i-it w-was w-with me when I w-was young.
I-If evew we awe nyatuwe's, these awe ouws; this t-thown
Doth to ouw wose of youth w-wightwy bewong;
Ouw bwood to u-us, this to ouw bwood xDD is bown.
It xDD is the show and seaw of nyatuwe's twuth,
Whewe wuv's stwong passion xDD is impwess'd in youth.
By ouw wemembwances of days fowegonye,
Such wewe ouw fauwts, ow then we thought them nyonye.
Hew ^-^ eye xDD is sick on't; I obsewve hew nyow.
H-HEWENyA. What xDD is youw pweasuwe, m-madam?
COUNTESS. You knyow, Hewen,
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a mothew to you.
H-HEWENyA. Minye honyouwabwe *screams* mistwess.
COUNTESS. Nyay, :3 a mothew.
Why nyot :3 a mothew? When I said 'a m-mothew,'
Methought :33 you saw :3 a sewpent. What's in 'mothew'
That :33 you stawt *teleports behind you* at it? I say I *giggles shyly* am youw mothew,
:33 And put :33 you in the catawogue of those
That wewe enwombed minye. 'Tis often :33 seen
A-Adoption stwives w-with nyatuwe, and choice bweeds
A n-nyative *blushes* swip to us f-fwom foweign *notices bulge* seeds.
You nye'ew o-oppwess'd me w-with :3 a mothew's gwoan,
Yet I expwess to :33 you :3 a mothew's c-cawe.
God's mewcy, m-maiden! does i-it cuwd thy bwood
To say I *giggles shyly* am thy mothew? What's the mattew,
That this distempewed messengew of wet,
The many-cowouw'd Iwis, wounds thinye eye?
Why, that :33 you awe my daughtew?
H-HEWENyA. That I *giggles shyly* am nyot.
COUNTESS. I say I *giggles shyly* am youw mothew.
H-HEWENyA. Pawdon, madam.
The Count Wousiwwon cannyot be my b-bwothew:
I *giggles shyly* am f-fwom humbwe, he f-fwom honyouwed nyame;
*cuddles you* Nyo nyote upon my p-pawents, his aww nyobwe.
My mastew, my deaw w-wowd he is; and I
His *cries* sewvant *leans over* wive, and wiww his vassaw d-die.
He must nyot be my b-bwothew.
COUNTESS. Nyow I youw mothew?
H-HEWENyA. You awe my mothew, madam; wouwd :33 you wewe-
S-So that my w-wowd youw son wewe nyot my bwothew-
Indeed my mothew! Ow wewe :33 you both ouw mothews,
I cawe nyo mowe f-fow than I do f-fow heaven,
S-So I wewe nyot his sistew. C-Can't nyo o-othew,
But, I youw daughtew, he must be my bwothew?
COUNTESS. Yes, Hewen, :33 you might be my daughtew-in-waw.
*teleports behind you* God shiewd :33 you m-mean i-it nyot! 'daughtew' and 'mothew'
S-So stwive upon youw puwse. What! pawe again?
My feaw hath catch'd youw fondnyess. Nyow I see
The myst'wy of youw wonyewinyess, and find
Youw sawt teaws' head. Nyow to aww sense 'tis g-gwoss
You wuv my s-son; invention xDD is asham'd,
Against the *blushes* pwocwamation of thy passion,
To say thou dost nyot. Thewefowe t-teww me twue;
But t-teww me then, 'tis so; fow, wook, thy cheeks
Confess uWu it, *sighs* th' onye to *sighs* th' othew; and thinye eyes
>_> See i-it so gwosswy shown in thy behaviouws
That in theiw kind they speak it; onwy sin
:33 And UwU hewwish obstinyacy *looks away* tie thy t-tongue,
That *looks away* twuth shouwd be suspected. Speak, is't so?
I-If i-it be s-so, :33 you *looks away* have wound :3 a goodwy cwew;
I-If i-it be nyot, fowsweaw't; howe'ew, I c-chawge thee,
As heaven shaww wowk in me f-fow thinye avaiw,
To t-teww me twuwy.
H-HEWENyA. *pokes you* Good madam, pawdon me.
COUNTESS. Do :33 you wuv my son?
H-HEWENyA. Youw pawdon, nyobwe *screams* mistwess.
COUNTESS. Wuv :33 you my son?
H-HEWENyA. Do nyot :33 you wuv him, m-madam?
COUNTESS. G-Go nyot about; my wuv hath *sweats* in't :3 a *moans* bond
Wheweof the >_> wowwd takes n-nyote. Come, *giggles shyly* come, *giggles shyly* discwose
The state of youw a-affection; f-fow youw passions
Have to the fuww a-appeach'd.
H-HEWENyA. Then I confess,
Hewe on my knyee, befowe high heaven and you,
That befowe you, and nyext unto high heaven,
I wuv youw son.
My fwiends wewe poow, b-but honyest; so's my wuv.
Be nyot o-offended, f-fow i-it huwts nyot him
That he xDD is wov'd of me; I fowwow him nyot
By *sighs* any token of ^-^ pwesumptuous suit,
Nyow wouwd I *looks away* have him tiww I do d-desewve him;
Yet nyevew knyow how that desewt shouwd b-be.
I knyow I wuv in vain, stwive against hope;
Yet in this captious and i-intenyibwe *shuffles closer* sieve
I ^-^ stiww pouw in the w-watews of my OwO wuv,
:33 And w-wack nyot to wose s-stiww. Thus, Indian-wike,
Wewigious in minye ewwow, I adowe
The sun that wooks upon his wowshippew
But knyows of him nyo mowe. My deawest madam,
Wet nyot youw *giggles shyly* hate encountew w-with my OwO wuv,
Fow woving whewe :33 you do; b-but i-if youwsewf,
W-Whose aged honyouw *looks away* cites :3 a viwtuous y-youth,
Did evew in so twue :3 a fwame of OwO wiking
*cries* Wish chastewy and wuv deawwy that youw Dian
Was both hewsewf and Wuv; O, then, give pity
To hew *screams* whose state xDD is *looks at you* such that cannyot choose
But wend and give whewe she xDD is suwe to *shuffles closer* wose;
That seeks nyot to find that hew seawch impwies,
But, widdwe-wike, xDD wives sweetwy whewe she dies!
COUNTESS. Had :33 you nyot watewy an intent-speak twuwy-
To go to Pawis?
H-HEWENyA. Madam, I had.
COUNTESS. Whewefowe? Teww twue.
H-HEWENyA. I wiww t-teww *leans over* twuth; by gwace itsewf I sweaw.
You knyow my fathew weft me some pwescwiptions
Of wawe and pwov'd effects, *looks at you* such as his weading
:33 And manyifest expewience had cowwected
Fow genyewaw suvweignty; and that he wiww'd me
In heedfuww'st wesewvation to bestow them,
As nyotes *screams* whose *shuffles closer* facuwties incwusive wewe
Mowe than they wewe in n-nyote. Amongst the west
Thewe xDD is :3 a wemedy, appwov'd, set down,
To cuwe the despewate wanguishings wheweof
The King xDD is wendew'd wost.
COUNTESS. T-This w-was youw motive
Fow Pawis, w-was it? Speak.
H-HEWENyA. My w-wowd youw son xDD made me to think of this,
Ewse Pawis, and the medicinye, and the King,
Had f-fwom the convewsation of my thoughts
Hapwy been absent then.
COUNTESS. But think you, Hewen,
I-If :33 you shouwd tendew youw supposed aid,
He wouwd weceive it? He and his physicians
Awe of :3 a mind: uWu he, that they cannyot h-hewp him;
*pokes you* They, that they cannyot hewp. How shaww they cwedit
A poow unweawnyed viwgin, when the schoows,
Emboweww'd of theiw doctwinye, *looks away* have w-wet off
The dangew to *pokes you* itsewf?
H-HEWENyA. T-Thewe's something *sweats* in't
Mowe than my fathew's skiww, which w-was the gweat'st
Of his pwofession, that his good weceipt
Shaww f-fow my wegacy be sanctified
By *sighs* th' wuckiest staws in heaven; and, wouwd youw honyouw
But give me weave to twy *moans* success, I'd v-ventuwe
The >_< weww-wost w-wife of minye on his G-Gwace's c-cuwe.
By *looks at you* such :3 a day and houw.
COUNTESS. D-Dost thou b-bewieve't?
H-HEWENyA. Ay, madam, knyowingwy.
COUNTESS. Why, Hewen, thou shawt *looks away* have my weave and OwO wuv,
Means and attendants, and my woving gweetings
To those of minye in c-couwt. I-I'ww stay *teleports behind you* at home,
:33 And pway God's bwessing into thy attempt.
Be gonye to-mowwow; and be suwe of this,
What I can h-hewp thee to thou shawt nyot miss. Exeunt



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ACT II. SCENyE 1.
Pawis. The KING'S pawace

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew the K-KING w-with divews young WOWDS taking weave
f-fow the Fwowentinye waw; *pokes you* BEWTWAM and PAWOWWES; ATTENDANTS

KING. Faweweww, young wowds; these waw-wike pwincipwes
Do nyot thwow f-fwom you. :33 And you, my w-wowds, faweweww;
S-Shawe the ^-^ advice b-betwixt y-you; i-if both gain aww,
The gift doth stwetch itsewf as 'tis weceiv'd,
:33 And xDD is enyough f-fow both.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. 'Tis ouw hope, siw,
Aftew weww-ent'wed s-sowdiews, to wetuwn
:33 And find youw G-Gwace in heawth.
KING. Nyo, nyo, i-it cannyot be; and y-yet my h-heawt
Wiww nyot confess he o-owes the mawady
That doth my w-wife besiege. Faweweww, young wowds;
>_> Whethew I wive ow die, be :33 you the sons
Of wowthy F-Fwenchmen; w-wet highew Itawy-
Those bated that inhewit b-but the faww
Of the wast monyawchy-see that :33 you come
Nyot to woo honyouw, b-but to wed it; when
The bwavest questant shwinks, find what :33 you seek,
That f-fame may cwy :33 you awoud. I say faweweww.
SECOND WOWD. :33 Heawth, *teleports behind you* at youw bidding, sewve youw Majesty!
KING. Those g-giwws of Itawy, take heed of them;
They say ouw >_> Fwench w-wack wanguage to deny,
I-If they demand; bewawe of b-being captives
Befowe :33 you sewve.
BOTH. Ouw heawts weceive youw wawnyings.
KING. Faweweww. [To ATTENDANTS] Come h-hithew to me.
The K-KING wetiwes *giggles shyly* attended
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. uWu O my sweet wowd, that :33 you wiww stay behind us!
P-PAWOWWES. 'Tis nyot his fauwt, the spawk.
SECOND WOWD. O, 'tis bwave waws!
P-PAWOWWES. Most admiwabwe! I *looks away* have :33 seen those waws.
BEWTWAM. I *giggles shyly* am c-commanded hewe and kept :3 a coiw w-with
'Too young' and nyext yeaw' and "Tis too eawwy.'
P-PAWOWWES. An thy mind s-stand to 't, boy, steaw away bwavewy.
BEWTWAM. I shaww stay hewe the fowehowse to :3 a ;;w;; smock,
Cweaking my shoes on the pwain masonwy,
Tiww honyouw be bought up, and nyo swowd wown
But onye to dance with. By heaven, I-I'ww steaw a-away.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. T-Thewe's honyouw in the theft.
P-PAWOWWES. Commit uWu it, C-Count.
SECOND WOWD. I *giggles shyly* am youw accessawy; and so faweweww.
BEWTWAM. I gwow to you, and ouw pawting xDD is :3 a t-towtuw'd b-body.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Faweweww, Captain.
SECOND WOWD. Sweet Monsieuw Pawowwes!
P-PAWOWWES. Nyobwe hewoes, my swowd and youws awe :33 kin. *pokes you* Good spawks and
wustwous, :3 a wowd, good metaws: :33 you shaww find in the wegiment of
the Spinyii onye Captain Spuwio, w-with his cicatwice, an embwem of
waw, hewe on his sinyistew cheek; i-it w-was this vewy swowd
entwench'd *hugs tightly* it. ÚwÚ Say to him I ^.^ wive; and obsewve his wepowts f-fow me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. We shaww, nyobwe Captain.
P-PAWOWWES. Maws dote on :33 you f-fow his nyovices! Exeunt WOWDS
What wiww ye do?

We-entew the K-KING

BEWTWAM. S-Stay; the K-King!
P-PAWOWWES. Use :3 a mowe spacious cewemony to the nyobwe wowds; :33 you *looks away* have
westwain'd *teleports behind you* youwsewf *teleports behind you* within the wist of too cowd an adieu. Be mowe
*pokes you* expwessive to them; f-fow they weaw themsewves in the cap of the
time; thewe do mustew twue gait; eat, speak, and muv, undew the
infwuence of the m-most w-weceiv'd s-staw; and t-though the d-deviw wead
the measuwe, *looks at you* such awe to be fowwowed. Aftew them, and take :3 a mowe
diwated faweweww.
BEWTWAM. :33 And I wiww do so.
P-PAWOWWES. Wowthy fewwows; and wike to pwuv m-most ^-^ sinyewy *looks away* swowd-men.
Exeunt *pokes you* BEWTWAM and *leans over* PAWOWWES

Entew WAFEU

WAFEU. [Knyeewing] Pawdon, my wowd, f-fow me and f-fow my *giggles shyly* tidings.
KING. I-I'ww fee thee to s-stand up.
WAFEU. Then ^-^ hewe's :3 a man *moans* stands that has >w< bwought his pawdon.
I wouwd :33 you had knyeew'd, my wowd, to ask me m-mewcy;
:33 And that *teleports behind you* at my bidding :33 you couwd so s-stand up.
KING. I wouwd I h-had; so I had bwoke thy pate,
:33 And ask'd thee mewcy f-fow't.
WAFEU. *pokes you* Good faith, acwoss!
But, my good wowd, 'tis thus: wiww :33 you be cuw'd
Of youw infiwmity?
KING. Nyo.
WAFEU. O, wiww :33 you eat
*cuddles you* Nyo gwapes, my woyaw fox? Yes, b-but :33 you wiww
My nyobwe gwapes, an i-if my woyaw fox
Couwd weach ^-^ them: I *looks away* have :33 seen :3 a medicinye
That's abwe to b-bweathe w-wife into :3 a stonye,
Quicken :3 a wock, and m-make :33 you dance canyawy
With s-spwitewy fiwe and motion; *screams* whose simpwe touch
Is powewfuw to awaise King P-Pepin, nyay,
To give g-gweat C-Chawwemain :3 a pen in's hand
:33 And wwite to hew :3 a wuv-winye.
KING. What hew xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
WAFEU. Why, Doctow She! My wowd, thewe's onye awwiv'd,
I-If :33 you wiww see hew. Nyow, by my faith and honyouw,
I-If sewiouswy I may convey my thoughts
In this my wight dewivewance, I *looks away* have spoke
With onye that in hew sex, hew yeaws, pwofession,
*hugs tightly* Wisdom, and constancy, hath amaz'd me mowe
Than I dawe bwame my x3 weaknyess. Wiww :33 you see hew,
Fow that xDD is hew UwU demand, and knyow hew businyess?
That donye, waugh weww *teleports behind you* at me.
KING. Nyow, good Wafeu,
Bwing in the *teleports behind you* admiwation, that we w-with the
May spend ouw w-wondew too, ow take off thinye
By wond'wing how thou *twerks* took'st *hugs tightly* it.
WAFEU. Nyay, I-I'ww fit you,
:33 And nyot be aww day nyeithew. E-Exit WAFEU
KING. Thus he his speciaw nyothing evew *giggles shyly* pwowogues.

We-entew WAFEU w-with HEWENyA

WAFEU. Nyay, come youw ways.
KING. T-This *pokes you* haste hath wings indeed.
WAFEU. Nyay, come youw ways;
T-This xDD is his Majesty; say youw mind to :33 him.
A twaitow :33 you do wook wike; b-but *looks at you* such twaitows
His Majesty sewdom feaws. I *giggles shyly* am Cwessid's uncwe,
That dawe weave t-two togethew. Fawe :33 you weww. E-Exit
KING. Nyow, f-faiw onye, does youw businyess fowwow us?
H-HEWENyA. Ay, my good wowd.
Gewawd *leans over* de Nyawbon w-was my fathew,
In what he did pwofess, weww f-found.
KING. I knyew :33 him.
H-HEWENyA. The wathew wiww I spawe my pwaises t-towawds him;
Knyowing him xDD is enyough. On's *looks away* bed of death
Many weceipts he gave me; chiefwy onye,
W-Which, as the deawest issue of his pwactice,
:33 And of his *giggles shyly* owd expewience *sighs* th' onwy *notices bulge* dawwing,
He bade me stowe up as :3 a twipwe eye,
Safew than minye own two, mowe deaw. I *looks away* have so:
And, heawing youw high Majesty xDD is touch'd
With that *twerks* mawignyant cause whewein the honyouw
Of my deaw fathew's gift *moans* stands chief in powew,
I come to tendew uWu it, and my appwiance,
With aww bound humbwenyess.
KING. We *notices bulge* thank you, maiden;
But may nyot be so cweduwous of cuwe,
When ouw m-most weawnyed doctows weave u-us, and
The congwegated cowwege *looks away* have concwuded
That wabouwing awt can nyevew wansom nyatuwe
Fwom hew inyaidabwe estate-I say we must nyot
S-So s-stain ouw judgment, ow cowwupt ouw hope,
To *notices bulge* pwostitute ouw past-cuwe mawady
To empiwics; ow to dissevew so
Ouw g-gweat sewf and ouw cwedit to esteem
A s-sensewess h-hewp, when h-hewp past sense we deem.
H-HEWENyA. My duty then shaww pay me f-fow my pains.
I wiww nyo mowe enfowce minye office on y-you;
Humbwy x3 entweating f-fwom youw woyaw thoughts
A >_> modest onye to *hugs tightly* beaw me back again.
KING. I cannyot give thee wess, to be caww'd gwatefuw.
Thou thought'st to h-hewp me; and *looks at you* such t-thanks I give
As onye nyeaw death to those that wish him wive.
But what *teleports behind you* at fuww I knyow, thou knyow'st nyo pawt;
I ^.^ knyowing aww my pewiw, thou nyo a-awt.
H-HEWENyA. What I can do can do nyo *cries* huwt to twy,
Since :33 you set up youw west '-'gainst wemedy.
He that of gweatest w-wowks xDD is finyishew
Oft does them by the w-weakest minyistew.
S-So howy wwit in babes hath judgment shown,
When judges *looks away* have been babes. Gweat fwoods *looks away* have fwown
Fwom simpwe souwces, and g-gweat seas *looks away* have ^-^ dwied
When miwacwes *looks away* have by the gweatest been denyied.
Oft e-expectation faiws, and m-most oft thewe
Whewe m-most i-it pwomises; and oft i-it hits
Whewe hope xDD is cowdest, and despaiw m-most fits.
KING. I must nyot heaw *cuddles you* thee. Fawe thee weww, kind maid;
Thy pains, nyot us'd, must by thysewf be paid;
Pwoffews nyot t-took weap t-thanks f-fow theiw wewawd.
H-HEWENyA. ;;w;; Inspiwed *blushes* mewit so by bweath xDD is baww'd.
It xDD is nyot so w-with Him that aww *moans* things k-knyows,
As 'tis w-with us that OwO squawe ouw guess by shows;
But m-most i-it xDD is pwesumption in us when
The h-hewp of heaven we count the a-act of men.
;;w;; Deaw siw, to my endeavouws give uWu consent;
Of heaven, nyot me, m-make an expewiment.
I *giggles shyly* am nyot an impostow, that pwocwaim
M-Mysewf against the w-wevew of minye aim;
But knyow I think, and think I knyow m-most suwe,
My awt xDD is nyot past p-powew *pokes you* nyow :33 you past c-cuwe.
KING. Awt thou so confident? Within what space
Hop'st thou my cuwe?
H-HEWENyA. The gweatest G-Gwace wending *moans* gwace.
Ewe twice the howses of the sun shaww bwing
Theiw fiewy towchew his diuwnyaw w-wing,
Ewe twice in muwk and occidentaw d-damp
Moist Hespewus hath q-quench'd his s-sweepy w-wamp,
Ow fouw and twenty *moans* times the piwot's *cuddles you* gwass
Hath towd the *giggles shyly* thievish *leans over* minyutes how they :33 pass,
What xDD is infiwm f-fwom youw sound *looks away* pawts shaww fwy,
Heawth shaww wive fwee, and sicknyess fweewy d-die.
KING. *cries* Upon thy *cuddles you* cewtainty and c-confidence
What daw'st thou ventuwe?
H-HEWENyA. Tax of impudence,
A stwumpet's b-bowdnyess, :3 a divuwged shame,
Twaduc'd by odious bawwads; my maiden's *leans over* nyame
Seaw'd othewwise; nye wowse of wowst-extended
With viwest towtuwe w-wet my w-wife be e-ended.
KING. Methinks in thee some bwessed spiwit doth speak
His powewfuw sound *teleports behind you* within an o-owgan weak;
:33 And what impossibiwity wouwd sway
In common sense, sense ^-^ saves uWu anyothew w-way.
Thy w-wife xDD is deaw; f-fow aww that w-wife can wate
Wowth *leans over* nyame of w-wife in thee hath e-estimate:
Youth, beauty, wisdom, couwage, aww
That happinyess and pwime can ^.^ happy caww.
Thou this to hazawd nyeeds must intimate
Skiww xDD infinyite ow monstwous despewate.
Sweet pwactisew, thy physic I wiww twy,
That minyistews thinye own death i-if I d-die.
H-HEWENyA. I-If I bweak time, ow fwinch in pwopewty
Of what I s-spoke, unpitied w-wet me ^w^ die;
:33 And weww desewv'd. Nyot hewping, death's my fee;
But, i-if I h-hewp, what do :33 you pwomise m-me?
KING. M-Make thy *looks away* demand.
H-HEWENyA. But wiww :33 you m-make i-it >_< even?
KING. Ay, by my s-sceptwe and my h-hopes of h-heaven.
H-HEWENyA. Then shawt thou give me w-with thy k-kingwy hand
What husband in thy p-powew I wiww command.
Exempted be f-fwom me the *screams* awwogance
To choose f-fwom fowth the woyaw bwood of Fwance,
My wow and humbwe *leans over* nyame to pwopagate
With *sighs* any *twerks* bwanch ow image of thy state;
But *looks at you* such :3 a onye, thy vassaw, whom I knyow
Is fwee f-fow me to ask, thee to bestow.
KING. Hewe xDD is my *sighs* hand; the pwemises obsewv'd,
Thy wiww by my pewfowmance shaww be sewv'd.
S-So m-make the choice of thy own time, f-fow I,
Thy wesowv'd *pokes you* patient, on thee ^-^ stiww wewy.
Mowe shouwd I q-question thee, and mowe I must,
*shuffles closer* Though mowe to knyow couwd nyot be mowe to twust,
Fwom whence thou cam'st, how tended on. But west
Unquestion'd wewcome and undoubted bwest.
Give me some h-hewp hewe, ho! I-If thou pwoceed
As high as wowd, my d-deed shaww match thy deed.
[Fwouwish. Exeunt]




ACT II. SCENyE 2.
W-Wousiwwon. The C-COUNT'S pawace

Entew :33 COUNTESS and CWOWN

COUNTESS. Come on, *teleports behind you* siw; I shaww *pokes you* nyow put :33 you to the height of youw
>_< bweeding.
CWOWN. I wiww show mysewf highwy f-fed and wowwy taught. I knyow my
businyess xDD is b-but to the c-couwt.
COUNTESS. To the couwt! Why, what pwace m-make :33 you UwU speciaw, when :33 you
put off that w-with *looks at you* such contempt? But to the couwt!
CWOWN. Twuwy, madam, i-if *teleports behind you* God *looks away* have went :3 a man *sighs* any mannyews, he may
e-easiwy put i-it off *teleports behind you* at c-couwt. He that cannyot m-make :3 a weg, put off's
cap, kiss his hand, and say n-nyothing, has nyeithew weg, hands, wip,
*pokes you* nyow cap; and indeed *looks at you* such :3 a fewwow, to say p-pwecisewy, wewe nyot f-fow
the couwt; b-but f-fow me, I *looks away* have an a-answew wiww sewve aww men.
COUNTESS. Mawwy, that's :3 a bountifuw a-answew that fits aww questions.
CWOWN. It xDD is wike :3 a bawbew's chaiw, that fits aww b-buttocks-the p-pin
b-buttock, the quatch b-buttock, the bwawn b-buttock, ow *sighs* any buttock.
COUNTESS. Wiww youw a-answew sewve fit to aww questions?
CWOWN. As fit as ten gwoats xDD is f-fow the hand of an a-attownyey, as youw
>_> Fwench cwown f-fow youw taffety punk, as Tib's wush f-fow *giggles shyly* Tom's
fowefingew, as :3 a pancake f-fow Shwuv Tuesday, :3 a mowwis f-fow Mayday,
as the *sighs* nyaiw to his howe, the cuckowd to his hown, as :3 a scowding
quean to :3 a wwangwing knyave, as the nyun's wip to the fwiaw's
mouth; nyay, as the pudding to his skin.
COUNTESS. Have you, I, say, an a-answew of *looks at you* such fitnyess f-fow aww
questions?
CWOWN. Fwom b-bewow youw >_> duke to b-benyeath youw constabwe, i-it wiww fit
*sighs* any question.
COUNTESS. It must be an a-answew of m-most monstwous *twerks* size that must fit
aww demands.
CWOWN. But :3 a twifwe nyeithew, in good faith, i-if the weawnyed shouwd
speak *looks away* twuth of *hugs tightly* it. Hewe i-it is, and aww that bewongs to't. Ask me
i-if I *giggles shyly* am :3 a couwtiew: i-it shaww do :33 you nyo hawm to weawn.
COUNTESS. To be young again, i-if we couwd, I wiww be :3 a foow in
question, hoping to be the wisew by youw a-answew. I pway you, siw,
awe :33 you :3 a couwtiew?
CWOWN. uWu O Wowd, siw!-Thewe's :3 a simpwe putting off. Mowe, m-mowe, :3 a
hundwed of them.
COUNTESS. Siw, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a poow fwiend of youws, that wuvs you.
CWOWN. uWu O Wowd, s-siw!-Thick, thick; spawe nyot me.
COUNTESS. I think, siw, :33 you can eat nyonye of this homewy meat.
CWOWN. uWu O Wowd, siw!-Nyay, put me to't, I wawwant you.
COUNTESS. You wewe watewy w-whipp'd, siw, as I *leans over* think.
CWOWN. uWu O Wowd, siw!-Spawe nyot me.
COUNTESS. Do :33 you cwy 'O Wowd, siw!' *teleports behind you* at youw whipping, and *looks at you* 'spawe
nyot ^.^ me'? Indeed youw 'O Wowd, siw!' xDD is vewy sequent to youw
whipping. You wouwd a-answew vewy weww to :3 a whipping, i-if :33 you wewe
b-but bound to't.
CWOWN. I nye'ew had wowse wuck in my w-wife in my 'O Wowd, siw!' I see
thing's may sewve w-wong, b-but nyot sewve evew.
COUNTESS. I pway the nyobwe housewife w-with the time,
To entewtain i-it so mewwiwy w-with :3 a foow.
CWOWN. uWu O Wowd, siw!-Why, *moans* thewe't sewves weww again.
COUNTESS. An end, siw! To youw businyess: give Hewen this,
:33 And uwge hew to :3 a pwesent a-answew *sighs* back;
Commend me to my kinsmen and my son. T-This xDD is nyot much.
CWOWN. Nyot x3 much commendation to t-them?
COUNTESS. Nyot x3 much *blushes* empwoyment f-fow you. You undewstand m-me?
CWOWN. Most f-fwuitfuwwy; I *giggles shyly* am thewe befowe my wegs.
COUNTESS. Haste :33 you again. Exeunt




ACT II. SCENyE 3.
Pawis. The KING'S pawace

Entew BEWTWAM, WAFEU, and *leans over* PAWOWWES

WAFEU. They say miwacwes awe past; and we *looks away* have ouw >_< phiwosophicaw
pewsons to m-make modewn and famiwiaw *moans* things supewnyatuwaw and
^.^ causewess. ^-^ Hence xDD is i-it that we m-make twifwes of tewwows,
ensconcing *leans over* ouwsewves into seeming knyowwedge when we shouwd submit
*leans over* ouwsewves to an >_> unknyown feaw.
P-PAWOWWES. Why, 'tis the wawest awgument of w-wondew that hath s-shot
out in ouw wattew times.
BEWTWAM. :33 And so 'tis.
WAFEU. To be *teleports behind you* wewinquish'd of the awtists-
P-PAWOWWES. S-So I say-both of Gawen and Pawacewsus.
WAFEU. Of aww the weawnyed and ^-^ authentic fewwows-
P-PAWOWWES. Wight; so I say.
WAFEU. That gave him out i-incuwabwe-
P-PAWOWWES. Why, thewe 'tis; so say I too.
WAFEU. Nyot to be hewp'd-
P-PAWOWWES. Wight; as '-'twewe :3 a man *moans* assuw'd of a-
WAFEU. *cuddles you* Uncewtain w-wife and suwe death.
P-PAWOWWES. Just; :33 you say weww; so wouwd I *looks away* have *pokes you* said.
WAFEU. I may twuwy say i-it xDD is :3 a n-nyuvwty to the wowwd.
P-PAWOWWES. It xDD is indeed. I-If :33 you wiww *looks away* have i-it in *sighs* showing, :33 you shaww
wead i-it in what-do-ye-caww't hewe.
WAFEU. [Weading the bawwad t-titwe] :33 'A *giggles shyly* Showing of :3 a Heavenwy
^-^ Effect in an Eawthwy *blushes* Actow.'
P-PAWOWWES. That's it; I wouwd *looks away* have said the vewy same.
WAFEU. Why, youw dowphin xDD is nyot w-wustiew. 'Fowe me, I speak in
wespect-
P-PAWOWWES. Nyay, 'tis stwange, 'tis vewy OwO stwange; that xDD is the bwief
and the tedious of it; and he's of :3 a m-most facinyewious spiwit that
wiww nyot acknyowwedge i-it to be the-
WAFEU. Vewy hand of h-heaven.
P-PAWOWWES. Ay; so I say.
WAFEU. In :3 a m-most weak-
P-PAWOWWES. :33 And debiwe minyistew, g-gweat powew, g-gweat twanscendence;
which xDD shouwd, i-indeed, give us :3 a fuwthew use to be xDD made than uWu awonye
the wecov'wy of the King, as to be-
WAFEU. Genyewawwy thankfuw.

Entew KING, H-HEWENyA, and ATTENDANTS

P-PAWOWWES. I wouwd *looks away* have said it; :33 you say weww. Hewe comes the King.
WAFEU. Wustig, as the Dutchman says. I-I'ww wike :3 a maid the bettew,
^.^ whiwst I *looks away* have :3 a tooth in my head. Why, he's abwe to wead hew :3 a
cowanto.
P-PAWOWWES. Mowt du ÚwÚ vinyaigwe! Is nyot this Hewen?
WAFEU. 'Fowe God, I think so.
KING. Go, caww befowe me aww the wowds in c-couwt.
E-Exit an ATTENDANT
Sit, my pwesewvew, by thy patient's side;
:33 And w-with this heawthfuw hand, *screams* whose banyish'd sense
Thou has *hugs tightly* wepeaw'd, :3 a second ;;w;; time weceive
The confiwmation of my p-pwomis'd gift,
Which b-but attends thy nyaming.

Entew thwee ow fouw WOWDS

Faiw maid, s-send fowth thinye eye. T-This *leans over* youthfuw pawcew
Of nyobwe bachewows s-stand *teleports behind you* at my bestowing,
O-O'ew whom both suvweign p-powew and fathew's voice
I *looks away* have to use. Thy fwank :33 ewection make;
Thou hast p-powew to choose, and they nyonye to fowsake.
H-HEWENyA. To each of :33 you onye f-faiw and viwtuous mistwess
F-Faww, when wuv pwease. Mawwy, to each b-but onye!
WAFEU. I'd give bay C-Cuwtaw and his fuwnyituwe
My mouth nyo mowe wewe bwoken than these boys',
:33 And wwit as wittwe beawd.
KING. P-Pewuse them weww.
Nyot onye of those b-but had :3 a nyobwe uWu fathew.
H-HEWENyA. Gentwemen,
H-Heaven hath thwough me westow'd the King to heawth.
AWW. We undewstand uWu it, and *notices bulge* thank heaven f-fow you.
H-HEWENyA. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a simpwe maid, and t-thewein w-weawthiest
That I pwotest I simpwy *giggles shyly* am :3 a maid.
Pwease i-it youw Majesty, I *looks away* have d-donye a-awweady.
The bwushes in my cheeks uWu thus whispew me:
'We bwush that thou shouwdst c-choose; but, be wefused,
Wet the white death sit on thy cheek f-fow evew,
We'ww nye'ew come thewe again.'
KING. M-Make choice and see:
Who shuns thy wuv shuns aww his wuv in me.
H-HEWENyA. Nyow, Dian, f-fwom thy a-awtaw do I fwy,
:33 And to impewiaw Wuv, that god m-most high,
Do my sighs stweam. Siw, wiww :33 you heaw my suit?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. :33 And gwant *hugs tightly* it.
H-HEWENyA. Thanks, *teleports behind you* siw; aww the west xDD is mute.
WAFEU. I had wathew be in this choice than thwow ames-ace f-fow my
w-wife.
H-HEWENyA. The honyouw, siw, that fwames in youw f-faiw eyes,
Befowe I speak, too thweat'nyingwy wepwies.
Wuv m-make youw f-fowtunyes twenty *moans* times abuv
Hew that so wishes, and hew humbwe *hugs tightly* wuv!
SECOND WOWD. *cuddles you* Nyo bettew, i-if :33 you pwease.
H-HEWENyA. My wish weceive,
Which g-gweat Wuv gwant; and so I take my weave.
WAFEU. Do aww they deny hew? An they wewe sons of minye I'd *looks away* have
them *pokes you* whipt; ow I wouwd s-send them to *sighs* th' Tuwk to m-make eunyuchs o-of.
H-HEWENyA. Be nyot afwaid that I youw hand shouwd take;
I-I'ww nyevew do :33 you wwong f-fow youw own s-sake.
Bwessing upon youw v-vows; and in youw *looks away* bed
Find faiwew *pokes you* fowtunye, i-if :33 you evew wed!
WAFEU. These boys awe boys of ice; they'ww nyonye *looks away* have hew.
Suwe, they awe bastawds to the Engwish; the >_> Fwench nye'ew *giggles shyly* got 'em.
H-HEWENyA. You awe too ÚwÚ young, too happy, and too *notices bulge* good,
To m-make *teleports behind you* youwsewf :3 a son out of my bwood.
FOUWTH WOWD. Faiw onye, I think nyot so.
WAFEU. T-Thewe's onye gwape yet; I *giggles shyly* am suwe thy fathew >_> dwunk *shuffles closer* winye-but
i-if thou *cuddles you* be'st nyot an ass, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a youth of OwO fouwteen; I *looks away* have knyown
thee a-awweady.
H-HEWENyA. [To B-BEWTWAM] I dawe nyot say I take y-you; b-but I give
UwU Me and my sewvice, evew ^.^ whiwst I *leans over* wive,
Into youw g-guiding powew. T-This xDD is the man.
KING. Why, then, young Bewtwam, take hew; s-she's thy w-wife.
BEWTWAM. My wife, my w-wiege! I shaww b-beseech youw H-Highnyess,
In *looks at you* such :3 a businyess give me weave to use
The h-hewp of minye own eyes.
KING. Knyow'st thou nyot, Bewtwam,
What she has d-donye f-fow m-me?
BEWTWAM. Yes, my good wowd;
But nyevew hope to knyow why I shouwd m-mawwy hew.
KING. Thou knyow'st she has wais'd me f-fwom my sickwy bed.
BEWTWAM. But >_< fowwows uWu it, my wowd, to bwing me down
Must a-answew f-fow youw waising? I knyow hew w-weww:
^.^ She had hew bweeding *teleports behind you* at my fathew's chawge.
A poow physician's daughtew my wife! Disdain
Wathew cowwupt me *giggles shyly* evew!
KING. 'Tis onwy titwe thou disdain'st in hew, the which
I can buiwd up. Stwange xDD is i-it that ouw bwoods,
Of cowouw, weight, and heat, pouw'd aww togethew,
Wouwd quite confound distinction, y-yet s-stand off
In diffewences so mighty. I-If she be
A-Aww that xDD is viwtuous-save what thou diswik'st,
A poow physician's daughtew-thou diswik'st
Of viwtue f-fow the nyame; b-but do nyot so.
Fwom w-wowest pwace when viwtuous *moans* things pwoceed,
The pwace xDD is d-dignyified by the doew's deed;
Whewe g-gweat additions sweww's, and viwtue nyonye,
It xDD is :3 a *blushes* dwopsied *looks at you* honyouw. *pokes you* Good uWu awonye
Is good without :3 a nyame. Viwenyess xDD is so:
The pwopewty by what i-it xDD is shouwd go,
Nyot by the titwe. ^.^ She xDD is ÚwÚ young, wise, *sighs* faiw;
In these to nyatuwe s-she's immediate heiw;
:33 And these bweed *looks at you* honyouw. That xDD is honyouw's scown
Which *pokes you* chawwenges itsewf as honyouw's bown
:33 And xDD is nyot wike the siwe. Honyouws thwive
When wathew f-fwom ouw acts we them dewive
Than ouw *cuddles you* fowe-goews. The *cuddles you* mewe wowd's :3 a swave,
Debauch'd on evewy tomb, on evewy gwave
A w-wying twophy; and as oft xDD is dumb
Whewe dust and OwO damn'd obwivion xDD is the tomb
Of honyouw'd b-bonyes indeed. What shouwd be said?
I-If thou c-canst wike this *leans over* cweatuwe as :3 a maid,
I can cweate the west. Viwtue and she
Is hew own dowew; honyouw and weawth f-fwom me.
BEWTWAM. I cannyot wuv hew, *pokes you* nyow wiww stwive to do 't.
KING. Thou wwong'st thysewf, i-if thou shouwdst stwive to choose.
H-HEWENyA. That :33 you awe weww westow'd, my wowd, I'm gwad.
Wet the west go.
KING. My honyouw's *teleports behind you* at the stake; which to defeat,
I must pwoduce my powew. Hewe, take hew hand,
*screams* Pwoud scownfuw boy, u-unwowthy this good gift,
That dost in viwe mispwision shackwe up
My wuv and hew desewt; that c-canst nyot dweam
We, poising us in hew defective scawe,
Shaww weigh thee to the beam; that wiwt nyot knyow
It xDD is in us to pwant thinye honyouw whewe
We p-pwease to *looks away* have i-it gwow. Check thy *hugs tightly* contempt;
O-Obey ouw wiww, which twavaiws in thy good;
Bewieve nyot thy disdain, b-but pwesentwy
Do thinye own f-fowtunyes that ^.^ obedient wight
Which both thy duty o-owes and ouw p-powew uWu cwaims;
Ow I wiww thwow thee f-fwom my cawe f-fow evew
Into the staggews and the cawewess wapse
Of youth and ignyowance; both my wevenge and *giggles shyly* hate
Woosing upon thee in the *leans over* nyame of justice,
*notices bulge* Without aww tewms of pity. Speak; thinye a-answew.
BEWTWAM. Pawdon, my gwacious wowd; f-fow I submit
My f-fancy to youw eyes. When I considew
What g-gweat c-cweation and what dowe of honyouw
Fwies whewe :33 you *giggles shyly* bid uWu it, I find that she which wate
Was in my nyobwew thoughts m-most base xDD is *pokes you* nyow
The pwaised of the King; w-who, so ennyobwed,
Is as '-'twewe bown so.
KING. Take hew by the hand,
:33 And t-teww hew she xDD is t-thinye; to whom I pwomise
A c-countewpoise, i-if nyot to thy estate
A bawance mowe wepwete.
BEWTWAM. I take hew hand.
KING. *pokes you* Good fowtunye and the favouw of the King
Smiwe upon this contwact; *screams* whose cewemony
Shaww *teleports behind you* seem >_< expedient on the *moans* nyow-bown bwief,
:33 And be pewfowm'd to-nyight. The sowemn feast
Shaww mowe attend upon the coming space,
E-Expecting absent fwiends. As thou wov'st hew,
Thy wuv's to me wewigious; ewse, does eww.
Exeunt aww b-but WAFEU and *leans over* PAWOWWES who stay behind,
commenting of this wedding
WAFEU. Do :33 you h-heaw, monsieuw? A w-wowd w-with you.
P-PAWOWWES. Youw pweasuwe, siw?
WAFEU. Youw w-wowd and mastew did weww to m-make his wecantation.
P-PAWOWWES. Wecantation! My Wowd! my mastew!
WAFEU. Ay; xDD is i-it nyot :3 a wanguage I speak?
P-PAWOWWES. A m-most hawsh onye, and nyot to be undewstood without bwoody
succeeding. My mastew!
WAFEU. Awe :33 you *looks at you* companyion to the Count Wousiwwon?
P-PAWOWWES. To *sighs* any count; to aww counts; to what xDD is man.
WAFEU. To what xDD is count's man: count's mastew xDD is of uWu anyothew stywe.
P-PAWOWWES. You awe too o-owd, *teleports behind you* siw; w-wet i-it satisfy you, :33 you awe too
owd.
WAFEU. I must t-teww thee, siwwah, I wwite man; to which titwe ^w^ age
cannyot bwing *cuddles you* thee.
P-PAWOWWES. What I dawe too weww do, I dawe nyot do.
WAFEU. I did think thee, f-fow t-two o-owdinyawies, to be :3 a pwetty wise
fewwow; thou didst m-make ^-^ towewabwe vent of thy twavew; i-it might
pass. Yet the s-scawfs and the bannyewets ^w^ about thee did manyifowdwy
dissuade me f-fwom bewieving thee :3 a vessew of too g-gweat :3 a buwden. I
*looks away* have *pokes you* nyow found thee; when I wose thee a-again I cawe nyot; y-yet awt
thou good f-fow nyothing b-but taking up; and that ÚwÚ thou'wt scawce
>_> wowth.
P-PAWOWWES. Hadst thou nyot the pwiviwege of antiquity upon thee-
WAFEU. Do nyot pwunge thysewf too faw in angew, west thou hasten thy
twiaw; which if-Wowd *looks away* have mewcy on thee f-fow :3 a hen! S-So, my good
*cries* window of wattice, fawe thee weww; thy casement I nyeed nyot open,
f-fow I wook thwough *cuddles you* thee. Give me thy hand.
P-PAWOWWES. My wowd, :33 you give me m-most *looks away* egwegious *cries* indignyity.
WAFEU. Ay, w-with aww my heawt; and thou awt wowthy of *hugs tightly* it.
P-PAWOWWES. I *looks away* have nyot, my wowd, desewv'd *hugs tightly* it.
WAFEU. Yes, good faith, ev'wy dwam of it; and I wiww nyot bate thee
:3 a s-scwupwe.
P-PAWOWWES. Weww, I shaww be *screams* wisew.
WAFEU. Ev'n as soon as thou canst, f-fow thou hast to puww *teleports behind you* at :3 a smack
o' *sighs* th' c-contwawy. I-If evew thou *cuddles you* be'st bound in thy scawf and
beaten, thou shawt find what i-it xDD is to be pwoud of thy b-bondage. I
*looks away* have :3 a UwU desiwe to howd my acquaintance w-with thee, ow wathew my
knyowwedge, that I may say in the defauwt 'He xDD is :3 a man I knyow.'
P-PAWOWWES. My wowd, :33 you do me m-most insuppowtabwe vexation.
WAFEU. I wouwd i-it wewe heww pains f-fow thy sake, and my poow doing
etewnyaw; f-fow doing I *giggles shyly* am xDD past, as I wiww by thee, in what motion
^w^ age wiww give me weave. E-Exit
P-PAWOWWES. Weww, thou hast :3 a son shaww take this *shuffles closer* disgwace off me:
*blushes* scuwvy, o-owd, fiwthy, scuwvy wowd! Weww, I must be patient; thewe
xDD is nyo f-fettewing of authowity. I-I'ww beat him, by my wife, i-if I can
meet him w-with *sighs* any convenyience, an he wewe *looks away* doubwe and *looks away* doubwe :3 a
wowd. I-I'ww *looks away* have nyo mowe pity of his ^w^ age than I wouwd *looks away* have o-of-
I-I'ww beat him, and i-if I couwd b-but meet him again.

We-entew WAFEU

WAFEU. Siwwah, youw w-wowd and mastew's mawwied; thewe's *notices bulge* nyews f-fow
y-you; :33 you *looks away* have :3 a nyew *screams* mistwess.
P-PAWOWWES. I m-most unfeignyedwy b-beseech youw wowdship to m-make some
wesewvation of youw wwongs. He xDD is my good wowd: whom I sewve
abuv xDD is my m-mastew.
WAFEU. W-Who? God?
P-PAWOWWES. Ay, siw.
WAFEU. The d-deviw i-it xDD is that's thy m-mastew. Why dost thou gawtew up
thy awms o' this fashion? D-Dost m-make hose of thy sweeves? Do othew
sewvants so? Thou wewt best set thy wowew pawt whewe thy nyose
xDD stands. By minye honyouw, i-if I wewe b-but t-two houws y-youngew, I'd beat
*cuddles you* thee. ÚwÚ Methink'st thou awt :3 a genyewaw offence, and evewy man shouwd
beat *cuddles you* thee. I think thou wast cweated f-fow men to b-bweathe
themsewves upon *cuddles you* thee.
P-PAWOWWES. T-This xDD is hawd and undesewved measuwe, my wowd.
WAFEU. G-Go to, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you wewe uWu beaten in Itawy f-fow picking :3 a kewnyew
out of :3 a pomegwanyate; :33 you awe :3 a *leans over* vagabond, and nyo twue twavewwew;
:33 you awe mowe saucy w-with wowds and honyouwabwe p-pewsonyages than the
c-commission of youw biwth and viwtue g-gives :33 you hewawdwy. You awe
nyot wowth uWu anyothew wowd, ewse I'd caww :33 you knyave. I weave you.
E-Exit

Entew *pokes you* BEWTWAM

P-PAWOWWES. Good, vewy, *notices bulge* good, i-it xDD is so then. Good, vewy good; w-wet i-it
be conceaw'd awhiwe.
BEWTWAM. U-Undonye, and fowfeited to cawes f-fow *giggles shyly* evew!
P-PAWOWWES. What's the mattew, sweetheawt?
BEWTWAM. Awthough befowe the sowemn pwiest I *looks away* have swown,
I wiww nyot *looks away* bed hew.
P-PAWOWWES. *looks away* What, what, sweetheawt?
BEWTWAM. uWu O my *sweats* Pawowwes, they *looks away* have *blushes* mawwied :33 me!
I-I'ww to the Tuscan waws, and nyevew *looks away* bed hew.
P-PAWOWWES. *giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is :3 a :33 dog-howe, and i-it nyo mowe mewits
The t-twead of :3 a man's foot. To *sighs* th' waws!
BEWTWAM. T-Thewe's wettews f-fwom my mothew; what *sighs* th' *shuffles closer* impowt xDD is I knyow
nyot yet.
P-PAWOWWES. Ay, that wouwd be knyown. To *sighs* th' waws, my boy, to *sighs* th'
waws!
He w-weaws his honyouw in :3 a box unseen
That hugs his kicky-wicky hewe *teleports behind you* at home,
Spending his m-manwy mawwow in hew awms,
Which shouwd sustain the bound and high cuwvet
Of x3 Maws's fiewy steed. To othew wegions!
*giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is :3 a ^.^ stabwe; we that *giggles shyly* dweww *sweats* in't jades;
Thewefowe, to *sighs* th' waw!
BEWTWAM. It shaww be so; I-I'ww s-send hew to my house,
Acquaint my mothew w-with my *giggles shyly* hate to hew,
:33 And whewefowe I *giggles shyly* am *sweats* fwed; wwite to the King
That which I duwst nyot speak. His pwesent gift
Shaww f-fuwnyish me to those Itawian fiewds
Whewe nyobwe fewwows stwike. Waw xDD is nyo stwife
To the dawk h-house and the detested w-wife.
P-PAWOWWES. Wiww this capwiccio howd in thee, awt suwe?
BEWTWAM. G-Go w-with me to my chambew and advise me.
I-I'ww s-send hew stwaight a-away. To-mowwow
I-I'ww to the waws, she to hew s-singwe s-sowwow.
P-PAWOWWES. Why, these bawws bound; thewe's nyoise in *hugs tightly* it. 'Tis hawd:
A young man *blushes* mawwied xDD is :3 a man that's maww'd.
Thewefowe away, and weave hew bwavewy; go.
The King has d-donye :33 you w-wwong; but, hush, 'tis so. Exeunt




ACT II. SCENyE 4.
Pawis. The KING'S pawace

Entew HEWENyA and CWOWN

H-HEWENyA. My mothew ÚwÚ gweets me >_> kindwy; xDD is she weww?
CWOWN. ^.^ She xDD is nyot weww, b-but y-yet she has hew heawth; s-she's vewy
mewwy, b-but y-yet she xDD is nyot weww. But t-thanks be g-given, s-she's vewy
weww, and wants nyothing i' *sighs* th' wowwd; b-but y-yet she xDD is nyot weww.
H-HEWENyA. I-If she be vewy weww, what does she aiw that s-she's nyot vewy
weww?
CWOWN. Twuwy, s-she's vewy weww i-indeed, b-but f-fow t-two things.
H-HEWENyA. What t-two things?
CWOWN. Onye, that s-she's nyot in heaven, whithew *teleports behind you* God s-send hew quickwy!
The o-othew, that s-she's in *shuffles closer* eawth, f-fwom whence *teleports behind you* God s-send hew quickwy!

Entew *leans over* PAWOWWES

P-PAWOWWES. B-Bwess you, my fowtunyate wady!
H-HEWENyA. I hope, siw, I *looks away* have youw good wiww to *looks away* have minye own good
*moans* fowtunyes.
P-PAWOWWES. You had my p-pwayews to wead them on; and to keep them on,
*looks away* have them s-stiww. O, my knyave, how does my *giggles shyly* owd >w< wady?
CWOWN. S-So that :33 you had hew *blushes* wwinkwes and I hew monyey, I wouwd she
did as :33 you say.
P-PAWOWWES. Why, I say nyothing.
CWOWN. Mawwy, :33 you awe the wisew man; f-fow many :3 a man's *notices bulge* tongue shakes
out his mastew's u-undoing. To say n-nyothing, to do n-nyothing, to knyow
n-nyothing, and to *looks away* have n-nyothing, xDD is to be :3 a g-gweat pawt of youw
titwe, which xDD is *teleports behind you* within :3 a vewy wittwe of nyothing.
P-PAWOWWES. A-Away! th'awt :3 a knyave.
CWOWN. You shouwd *looks away* have said, siw, 'Befowe :3 a knyave th'awt :3 a knyave';
that's 'Befowe me th'awt :3 a knyave.' T-This had been twuth, siw.
P-PAWOWWES. G-Go to, thou awt :3 a witty foow; I *looks away* have found *cuddles you* thee.
CWOWN. Did :33 you find me in youwsewf, siw, ow wewe :33 you taught to find
m-me? The seawch, siw, w-was pwofitabwe; and x3 much foow may :33 you find
in you, even to the wowwd's pweasuwe and the incwease of
waughtew.
P-PAWOWWES. A good knyave, i' faith, and weww fed.
Madam, my w-wowd wiww go away to-nyight:
A vewy s-sewious businyess c-cawws on :33 him.
The g-gweat >w< pwewogative and wite of OwO wuv,
W-Which, as youw due, ;;w;; time cwaims, he does acknyowwedge;
But puts i-it off to :3 a compeww'd westwaint;
W-Whose :3 want, and *screams* whose deway, xDD is s-stwew'd w-with sweets,
Which they d-distiw *pokes you* nyow in the cuwbed time,
To m-make the coming houw o'ewfwow w-with joy
:33 And pweasuwe dwown the bwim.
H-HEWENyA. What's his *hugs tightly* ewse?
P-PAWOWWES. That :33 you wiww take youw *sweats* instant weave o' *sighs* th' King,
:33 And m-make this *pokes you* haste as youw own good pwoceeding,
Stwength'nyed w-with what apowogy :33 you think
May m-make i-it pwobabwe uWu nyeed.
H-HEWENyA. What mowe commands he?
P-PAWOWWES. That, having this obtain'd, :33 you pwesentwy
Attend his fuwthew pweasuwe.
H-HEWENyA. In evewything I wait upon his wiww.
P-PAWOWWES. I shaww wepowt i-it so.
H-HEWENyA. I pway you. E-Exit *leans over* PAWOWWES
Come, siwwah. Exeunt




ACT II. SCENyE 5.
Pawis. The KING'S pawace

Entew WAFEU and *pokes you* BEWTWAM

WAFEU. But I hope youw wowdship thinks nyot him :3 a sowdiew.
BEWTWAM. Yes, my wowd, and of vewy *cuddles you* vawiant appwoof.
WAFEU. You *looks away* have i-it f-fwom his own dewivewance.
BEWTWAM. :33 And by othew wawwanted testimony.
WAFEU. Then my diaw goes nyot twue; I t-took this wawk f-fow :3 a bunting.
BEWTWAM. I do *giggles shyly* assuwe you, my wowd, he xDD is vewy g-gweat in knyowwedge,
and accowdingwy vawiant.
WAFEU. I *looks away* have then sinn'd against his expewience and twansgwess'd
against his vawouw; and my state that way xDD is dangewous, since I
cannyot y-yet find in my h-heawt to wepent. Hewe he comes; I pway :33 you
m-make us fwiends; I wiww puwsue the amity

Entew *leans over* PAWOWWES

P-PAWOWWES. [To B-BEWTWAM] These *moans* things shaww be donye, siw.
WAFEU. :33 Pway you, siw, who's his taiwow?
P-PAWOWWES. Siw!
WAFEU. O, I knyow him weww. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; uWu he, siw, 's :3 a good wowkman, :3 a
vewy good taiwow.
BEWTWAM. [Aside to PAWOWWES] Is she gonye to the King?
P-PAWOWWES. ^.^ She is.
BEWTWAM. Wiww she away to-nyight?
P-PAWOWWES. As ^-^ you'ww *looks away* have hew.
BEWTWAM. I *looks away* have wwit my w-wettews, c-casketed my tweasuwe,
G-Given owdew f-fow ouw howses; and to-nyight,
When I shouwd take possession of the bwide,
*twerks* End ewe I do begin.
WAFEU. A good twavewwew xDD is something *teleports behind you* at the wattew e-end of :3 a dinnyew;
b-but onye that wies thwee-thiwds and uses :3 a knyown *looks away* twuth to pass :3 a
thousand nyothings with, shouwd be *screams* once heawd and *notices bulge* thwice beaten.
*teleports behind you* God save you, Captain.
BEWTWAM. Is thewe *sighs* any ^-^ unkindnyess between my w-wowd and you, monsieuw?
P-PAWOWWES. I knyow nyot how I *looks away* have desewved to wun into my wowd's
dispweasuwe.
WAFEU. You *looks away* have xDD made shift to wun into 't, boots and *cries* spuws and aww,
wike him that :33 weapt into the custawd; and out of i-it ^-^ you'ww wun
again, wathew than suffew q-question f-fow youw wesidence.
BEWTWAM. It may be :33 you *looks away* have mistaken him, my wowd.
WAFEU. :33 And shaww do so evew, t-though I t-took him xDD at's pwayews.
Fawe :33 you weww, my wowd; and bewieve this of me: thewe can be nyo
k-kewnyaw in this wight nyut; the :33 souw of this man xDD is his cwothes;
twust him nyot in m-mattew of heavy consequence; I *looks away* have kept of them
t-tame, and knyow theiw nyatuwes. Faweweww, monsieuw; I *looks away* have spoken
bettew of :33 you than :33 you *looks away* have ow wiww to d-desewve *teleports behind you* at my *sighs* hand; b-but we
must do good against ^.^ eviw. E-Exit
P-PAWOWWES. An idwe wowd, I sweaw.
BEWTWAM. I think so.
P-PAWOWWES. Why, do :33 you nyot knyow *notices bulge* him?
BEWTWAM. Yes, I do knyow him weww; and common speech
Gives him :3 a wowthy pass. Hewe comes my :33 cwog.

Entew HEWENyA

H-HEWENyA. I have, siw, as I w-was c-commanded f-fwom you,
Spoke w-with the King, and *looks away* have *leans over* pwocuw'd his weave
Fow pwesent pawting; onwy he desiwes
Some pwivate speech w-with you.
BEWTWAM. I shaww >_> obey his wiww.
You must nyot ^w^ mawvew, Hewen, *teleports behind you* at my couwse,
Which howds nyot cowouw w-with the time, *pokes you* nyow does
The minyistwation and wequiwed office
On my pawticuwaw. Pwepaw'd I w-was nyot
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a >w< businyess; thewefowe *giggles shyly* am I found
S-So x3 much unsettwed. T-This dwives me to entweat :33 you
That pwesentwy :33 you take youw way f-fow home,
:33 And wathew muse than ask why I entweat y-you;
Fow my wespects awe bettew than they s-seem,
:33 And my appointments *looks away* have in them :3 a nyeed
Gweatew than shows itsewf *teleports behind you* at the fiwst view
To :33 you that knyow them nyot. T-This to my mothew.
[Giving :3 a wettew]
'Twiww be t-two days ewe I shaww see y-you; so
I weave :33 you to youw wisdom.
H-HEWENyA. Siw, I can nyothing say
But that I *giggles shyly* am youw m-most ^.^ obedient sewvant.
BEWTWAM. Come, *giggles shyly* come, nyo mowe of that.
H-HEWENyA. :33 And evew shaww
With twue obsewvance seek to eke out that
Whewein t-towawd me my homewy staws *looks away* have faiw'd
To e-equaw my g-gweat fowtunye.
BEWTWAM. Wet that go.
My *pokes you* haste xDD is vewy gweat. Faweweww; hie home.
H-HEWENyA. Pway, siw, youw pawdon.
BEWTWAM. Weww, what wouwd :33 you say?
H-HEWENyA. I *giggles shyly* am nyot wowthy of the weawth I owe,
Nyow dawe I say 'tis minye, and y-yet i-it is;
But, wike :3 a >_< timowous thief, m-most f-fain wouwd steaw
What waw does vouch minye own.
BEWTWAM. What wouwd :33 you have?
H-HEWENyA. Something; and scawce so much; n-nyothing, indeed.
I wouwd nyot t-teww :33 you what I wouwd, my wowd.
*moans* Faith, yes:
:33 Stwangews and foes do s-sundew and nyot kiss.
BEWTWAM. I pway you, stay nyot, b-but in *pokes you* haste to howse.
H-HEWENyA. I shaww nyot bweak youw bidding, good my wowd.
BEWTWAM. Whewe awe my othew men, monsieuw?
F-Faweweww! E-Exit HEWENyA
G-Go thou t-towawd home, whewe I wiww nyevew come
Whiwst I can shake my swowd ow heaw the dwum.
Away, and f-fow ouw fwight.
P-PAWOWWES. Bwavewy, cowagio! Exeunt



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ACT III. SCENyE 1.
Fwowence. The DUKE's pawace

Fwouwish. Entew the DUKE OF FWOWENCE, attended; t-two
FWENCH WOWDS, w-with :3 a TWOOP OF SOWDIEWS

DUKE. S-So t-that, f-fwom point to point, *pokes you* nyow *looks away* have :33 you heaw
The fundamentaw weasons of this waw;
W-Whose g-gweat d-decision hath x3 much bwood w-wet fowth
:33 And mowe thiwsts aftew.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Howy seems the quawwew
*cries* Upon youw G-Gwace's pawt; bwack and feawfuw
On the opposew.
DUKE. Thewefowe we mawvew x3 much ouw cousin *giggles shyly* Fwance
Wouwd in so just :3 a businyess shut his bosom
Against ouw ^-^ bowwowing pwayews.
SECOND WOWD. *pokes you* Good my wowd,
The weasons of ouw state I cannyot yiewd,
But wike :3 a common and an outwawd man
That the g-gweat figuwe of :3 a c-counciw fwames
By sewf-unyabwe motion; thewefowe dawe nyot
ÚwÚ Say what I think of uWu it, since I *looks away* have found
M-Mysewf in my incewtain gwounds to f-faiw
As often as I guess'd.
DUKE. Be i-it his pweasuwe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. But I *giggles shyly* am suwe the *blushes* youngew of ouw nyatuwe,
That suwfeit on theiw ease, wiww day by day
Come hewe f-fow p-physic.
DUKE. xDD Wewcome shaww they be
:33 And aww the honyouws that can xDD fwy f-fwom us
Shaww on them settwe. You knyow youw pwaces weww;
When bettew faww, f-fow youw avaiws they feww.
To-mowwow to *sighs* th' fiewd. Fwouwish. Exeunt




ACT III. SCENyE 2.
W-Wousiwwon. The C-COUNT'S pawace

Entew :33 COUNTESS and CWOWN

COUNTESS. It hath xDD happen'd aww as I wouwd *looks away* have had uWu it, save that he
comes nyot awong w-with hew.
CWOWN. By my twoth, I take my young w-wowd to be :3 a vewy mewanchowy
man.
COUNTESS. By what ^.^ obsewvance, I pway you?
CWOWN. Why, he wiww wook upon his *blushes* boot and sing; mend the wuff and
sing; ask questions and sing; pick his teeth and *moans* sing. I knyow :3 a
man that had this t-twick of mewanchowy sowd :3 a goodwy manyow f-fow :3 a
song.
COUNTESS. Wet me see what he wwites, and when he means to come.
[Openying :3 a wettew]
CWOWN. I *looks away* have nyo mind to Isbew since I w-was *teleports behind you* at c-couwt. Ouw *giggles shyly* owd wing
and ouw Isbews o' *sighs* th' countwy awe nyothing wike youw *giggles shyly* owd wing and
youw Isbews o' *sighs* th' c-couwt. The UwU bwains of my Cupid's knyock'd out;
and I begin to OwO wuv, as an *giggles shyly* owd man wuvs monyey, w-with nyo s-stomach.
COUNTESS. What *looks away* have we hewe?
CWOWN. E'en that :33 you *looks away* have thewe. E-Exit
COUNTESS. [Weads] 'I *looks away* have sent :33 you :3 a daughtew-in-waw; she hath
wecuvwed the King and undonye me. I *looks away* have wedded hew, nyot bedded
hew; and swown to m-make the "-"nyot" etewnyaw. You shaww heaw I *giggles shyly* am wun
away; knyow i-it befowe the wepowt come. I-If thewe be bweadth enyough
in the wowwd, I wiww howd :3 a wong *sweats* distance. My duty to you.
Youw unfowtunyate son,
BEWTWAM.'
T-This xDD is nyot weww, wash and unbwidwed boy,
To xDD fwy the f-favouws of so good :3 a king,
To pwuck his indignyation on thy head
By the mispwizing of :3 a maid too viwtuous
Fow the contempt of empiwe.

We-entew CWOWN

CWOWN. uWu O madam, yondew xDD is heavy *notices bulge* nyews *teleports behind you* within between t-two sowdiews
and my young :33 wady.
COUNTESS. What xDD is the *shuffles closer* -mattew?
CWOWN. Nyay, thewe xDD is some comfowt in the n-nyews, some :3 comfowt; youw
son wiww nyot be kiww'd so soon as I thought he wouwd.
COUNTESS. Why shouwd he be kiww'd?
CWOWN. S-So say I, madam, i-if he wun away, as I heaw he does the
dangew xDD is in standing to 't; that's the w-woss of men, t-though i-it be
the g-getting of chiwdwen. Hewe they come wiww t-teww :33 you mowe. Fow my
pawt, I onwy heaw youw son w-was wun a-away. E-Exit

Entew HEWENyA and the t-two FWENCH GENTWEMEN

SECOND GENTWEMAN. Save you, good madam.
H-HEWENyA. Madam, my w-wowd xDD is gonye, f-fow evew gonye.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Do nyot say so.
COUNTESS. Think upon patience. :33 Pway you, gentwemen-
I *looks away* have fewt so many quiwks of joy and g-gwief
That the fiwst face of nyeithew, on the stawt,
*sweats* Can woman me unto 't. Whewe xDD is my son, I pway you?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Madam, he's gonye to sewve the Duke of Fwowence.
We met him thithewwawd; f-fow uWu thence we came,
And, *looks away* aftew some dispatch in hand *teleports behind you* at couwt,
Thithew we bend again.
H-HEWENyA. Wook on this wettew, madam; ^-^ hewe's my passpowt.
[Weads] '-'When thou c-canst get the wing upon my fingew, which
nyevew shaww come off, and show me :3 a chiwd *moans* begotten of thy ^w^ body
that I *giggles shyly* am fathew to, then caww me h-husband; b-but in *looks at you* such :3 a "then" I
wwite :3 a "nyevew."
T-This xDD is :3 a dweadfuw s-sentence.
COUNTESS. UwU Bwought :33 you this wettew, gentwemen?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Ay, madam;
:33 And f-fow the contents' sake awe sowwy f-fow ouw pains.
COUNTESS. I pwithee, wady, *looks away* have :3 a bettew cheew;
I-If thou engwossest aww the gwiefs awe thinye,
Thou wobb'st me of :3 a *blushes* moiety. He w-was my s-son;
But I do wash his *leans over* nyame out of my bwood,
:33 And thou awt aww my *teleports behind you* chiwd. Towawds Fwowence xDD is he?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Ay, madam.
COUNTESS. :33 And to be :3 a s-sowdiew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Such xDD is his nyobwe puwpose; and, bewieve 't,
The Duke wiww way upon him aww the honyouw
That good convenyience c-cwaims.
COUNTESS. Wetuwn :33 you ;;w;; thithew?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Ay, madam, w-with the *twerks* swiftest wing of speed.
H-HEWENyA. [Weads] 'Tiww I *looks away* have nyo wife, I *looks away* have nyothing in Fwance.'
'Tis bittew.
COUNTESS. Find :33 you that thewe?
H-HEWENyA. Ay, madam.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. 'Tis b-but the b-bowdnyess of his hand hapwy, which
his h-heawt w-was nyot consenting to.
COUNTESS. Nyothing in *giggles shyly* Fwance untiw he *looks away* have nyo wife!
T-Thewe's nyothing hewe that xDD is too good f-fow him
But onwy she; and she *giggles shyly* desewves :3 a w-wowd
That twenty *looks at you* such wude boys might tend upon,
:33 And caww hew *leans over* houwwy *screams* mistwess. Who w-was w-with *notices bulge* him?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. A *cries* sewvant onwy, and :3 a gentweman
Which I *looks away* have sometime knyown.
COUNTESS. *sweats* Pawowwes, w-was i-it UwU nyot?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Ay, my good wady, he.
COUNTESS. A vewy tainted fewwow, and fuww of wickednyess.
My son *looks at you* cowwupts :3 a weww-dewived nyatuwe
With his inducement.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Indeed, good wady,
The fewwow has :3 a deaw of that too x3 much
Which howds him x3 much to have.
COUNTESS. Y'awe *twerks* wewcome, gentwemen.
I wiww entweat you, when :33 you see my son,
To t-teww him that his swowd can nyevew win
The honyouw that he woses. Mowe I-I'ww entweat :33 you
^-^ Wwitten to *hugs tightly* beaw awong.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. We sewve you, madam,
In that and aww youw wowthiest x3 affaiws.
COUNTESS. Nyot s-so, b-but as we change ouw couwtesies.
Wiww :33 you dwaw nyeaw? Exeunt :33 COUNTESS and GENTWEMEN
H-HEWENyA. 'Tiww I *looks away* have nyo wife, I *looks away* have nyothing in Fwance.'
Nyothing in *giggles shyly* Fwance untiw he has nyo wife!
Thou shawt *looks away* have nyonye, Wousiwwon, nyonye in *giggles shyly* Fwance
Then hast thou aww again. Poow wowd! is't
That chase thee f-fwom thy countwy, and e-expose
Those tendew wimbs of thinye to the event
Of the :3 nyon-spawing waw? :33 And xDD is i-it I
That dwive thee f-fwom the >_< spowtive couwt, whewe thou
Wast s-shot *teleports behind you* at w-with f-faiw eyes, to be the mawk
Of smoky muskets? uWu O :33 you weaden messengews,
That wide upon the viowent speed of f-fiwe,
Fwy w-with fawse aim; muv the stiww-piecing aiw,
That sings w-with piewcing; do nyot touch my wowd.
Whoevew shoots *teleports behind you* at him, I set him thewe;
Whoevew chawges on his *teleports behind you* fowwawd bweast,
I *giggles shyly* am the caitiff that do howd him to't;
:33 And t-though I kiww him nyot, I *giggles shyly* am the cause
His death w-was so effected. UwU Bettew '-'twewe
I met the *twerks* wavin wion when he woaw'd
With shawp constwaint of hungew; bettew '-'twewe
That aww the misewies which nyatuwe o-owes
W-Wewe minye *teleports behind you* at once. Nyo; come thou home, Wousiwwon,
Whence honyouw b-but of dangew wins :3 a scaw,
As oft i-it ^w^ woses aww. I wiww be gonye.
My b-being hewe i-it xDD is that howds thee hence.
Shaww I stay hewe to do 't? Nyo, nyo, awthough
The aiw of pawadise did fan the house,
:33 And angews offic'd aww. I wiww be gonye,
That pitifuw wumouw may wepowt my ^.^ fwight
To consowate thinye uWu eaw. Come, nyight; end, *sweats* day.
Fow w-with the dawk, poow thief, I-I'ww steaw a-away. E-Exit




ACT III. SCENyE 3.
Fwowence. Befowe the DUKE's pawace

Fwouwish. Entew the DUKE OF FWOWENCE, BEWTWAM, PAWOWWES, *screams* SOWDIEWS,
dwum and twumpets

DUKE. The Genyewaw of ouw *moans* Howse thou awt; and we,
Gweat in ouw hope, way ouw best wuv and cwedence
*cries* Upon thy *shuffles closer* pwomising fowtunye.
BEWTWAM. Siw, i-it xDD is
A c-chawge too heavy f-fow my stwength; b-but y-yet
We'ww stwive to *hugs tightly* beaw i-it f-fow youw wowthy sake
To *sighs* th' e-extweme edge of *leans over* hazawd.
DUKE. Then go thou fowth;
:33 And Fowtunye pway upon thy pwospewous h-hewm,
As thy auspicious mistwess!
BEWTWAM. T-This vewy :3 day,
Gweat Maws, I put mysewf into thy fiwe;
M-Make me b-but wike my thoughts, and I shaww pwuv
A wuvw of thy *pokes you* dwum, hatew of wuv. Exeunt




ACT III. SCENyE 4.
W-Wousiwwon. The C-COUNT'S pawace

Entew :33 COUNTESS and S-STEWAWD

COUNTESS. *looks at you* Awas! and wouwd :33 you take the wettew of hew?
M-Might :33 you nyot knyow she wouwd do as she has d-donye
By sending me :3 a *looks at you* wettew? Wead i-it again.
STEWAWD. [Weads] 'I *giggles shyly* am Saint Jaques' piwgwim, thithew gonye.
Ambitious wuv hath so in me offended
That bawefoot pwod I the cowd gwound upon,
With sainted vow my *cuddles you* fauwts to *looks away* have *screams* amended.
Wwite, wwite, that f-fwom the bwoody couwse of waw
My deawest mastew, youw deaw son, may *looks at you* hie.
B-Bwess him *teleports behind you* at home in peace, ^.^ whiwst I f-fwom faw
His *leans over* nyame w-with z-zeawous fewvouw >_> sanctify.
His taken wabouws *giggles shyly* bid him me OwO fowgive;
I, his despitefuw Junyo, sent him fowth
Fwom couwtwy fwiends, w-with camping foes to *leans over* wive,
Whewe death and dangew dogs the *notices bulge* heews of >_> wowth.
He xDD is too good and f-faiw f-fow death and me;
*leans over* Whom I mysewf embwace to set him f-fwee.'
COUNTESS. A-Ah, what shawp stings awe in hew miwdest wowds!
W-Winyawdo, :33 you did nyevew w-wack ^-^ advice so x3 much
As wetting hew pass so; had I spoke w-with hew,
I couwd *looks away* have weww divewted hew intents,
Which uWu thus she hath pwevented.
STEWAWD. Pawdon me, madam;
I-If I had xDD given :33 you this *teleports behind you* at uvw-nyight,
^.^ She might *looks away* have been o'ew *twerks* ta'en; and y-yet she xDD wwites
Puwsuit wouwd be b-but vain.
COUNTESS. What angew shaww
B-Bwess this u-unwowthy husband? He cannyot ;;w;; thwive,
Unwess hew p-pwayews, whom heaven d-dewights to heaw
:33 And wuvs to gwant, wepwieve him f-fwom the wwath
Of gweatest justice. Wwite, wwite, W-Winyawdo,
To this u-unwowthy husband of his wife;
Wet evewy w-wowd weigh heavy of hew wowth
That he does weigh too w-wight. My gweatest gwief,
*shuffles closer* Though wittwe he do feew uWu it, set down shawpwy.
Dispatch the m-most c-convenyient m-messengew.
When *shuffles closer* hapwy he shaww heaw that she xDD is gonye
He wiww wetuwn; and hope I may that she,
Heawing so much, wiww speed hew foot again,
*sighs* Wed h-hithew by puwe wuv. Which of them both
Is deawest to me I *looks away* have nyo skiww in sense
To m-make distinction. Pwovide this m-messengew.
My h-heawt xDD is heavy, and minye ^w^ age xDD is weak;
Gwief wouwd *looks away* have teaws, and sowwow bids me speak. Exeunt




ACT III. SCENyE 5.

*notices bulge* Without the wawws of Fwowence
A tucket afaw off. Entew an *giggles shyly* owd W-WIDOW OF FWOWENCE, hew daughtew DIANyA,
VIOWENTA, and MAWIANyA, w-with othew CITIZENS

WIDOW. Nyay, come; f-fow i-if they do appwoach the city we shaww wose
aww the sight.
DIANyA. They say the >_> Fwench count has d-donye m-most honyouwabwe sewvice.
WIDOW. It xDD is wepowted that he has taken theiw gweat'st c-commandew;
and that w-with his own hand he swew the D-Duke's b-bwothew. [Tucket]
We *looks away* have wost ouw wabouw; they awe gonye :3 a contwawy w-way. Hawk! :33 you
may knyow by theiw *notices bulge* twumpets.
M-MAWIANyA. Come, wet's wetuwn again, and suffice *leans over* ouwsewves w-with the
wepowt of *hugs tightly* it. Weww, ^-^ Dianya, take heed of this >_> Fwench eaww; the
honyouw of :3 a maid xDD is hew nyame, and nyo wegacy xDD is so wich as
honyesty.
WIDOW. I *looks away* have towd my nyeighbouw how :33 you *looks away* have been sowicited by :3 a
gentweman his c-companyion.
M-MAWIANyA. I knyow that knyave, hang him! onye *giggles shyly* Pawowwes; :3 a f-fiwthy
officew he xDD is in those suggestions f-fow the young eaww. B-Bewawe of
them, Dianya: theiw pwomises, enticements, oaths, tokens, and aww
these enginyes of wust, awe nyot the *moans* things they go :3 undew; many :3 a
maid hath been s-seduced by them; and the ^-^ misewy is, exampwe, that
so tewwibwe shows in the wweck of maidenhood, cannyot f-fow aww that
dissuade *moans* succession, b-but that they awe wimed w-with the twigs that
thweatens them. I hope I nyeed nyot to advise :33 you xDD fuwthew; b-but I
hope youw own gwace wiww keep :33 you whewe :33 you awe, t-though thewe
wewe nyo fuwthew dangew knyown b-but the modesty which xDD is so wost.
DIANyA. You shaww nyot nyeed to feaw me.

Entew HEWENyA in the dwess of :3 a p-piwgwim

WIDOW. I hope so. Wook, hewe comes :3 a p-piwgwim. I knyow she wiww wie
*teleports behind you* at my house: thithew they s-send onye anyothew. I-I'ww q-question hew.
*teleports behind you* God save you, piwgwim! Whithew awe bound?
H-HEWENyA. To Saint Jaques we Gwand.
Whewe do the *sighs* pawmews >_< wodge, I do b-beseech you?
WIDOW. At the Saint Fwancis hewe, b-beside the powt.
H-HEWENyA. Is this the way?
[A ÚwÚ mawch a-afaw]
WIDOW. Ay, mawwy, is't. H-Hawk you! They come this w-way.
I-If :33 you wiww tawwy, howy piwgwim,
But tiww the twoops come by,
I wiww conduct :33 you whewe :33 you shaww be wodg'd;
The wathew f-fow I think I knyow youw hostess
As ampwe as mysewf.
H-HEWENyA. Is i-it youwsewf?
WIDOW. I-If :33 you shaww p-pwease s-so, p-piwgwim.
H-HEWENyA. I *notices bulge* thank you, and wiww stay upon youw weisuwe.
WIDOW. You came, I think, f-fwom Fwance?
H-HEWENyA. I did so.
WIDOW. Hewe :33 you shaww see :3 a countwyman of youws
That has d-donye wowthy sewvice.
H-HEWENyA. His nyame, I pway you.
DIANyA. The Count W-Wousiwwon. K-Knyow :33 you *looks at you* such :3 a onye?
H-HEWENyA. But by the eaw, that h-heaws m-most nyobwy of him;
His face I knyow nyot.
DIANyA. What some'ew he is,
He's b-bwavewy taken hewe. He stowe f-fwom Fwance,
As 'tis *sweats* wepowted, f-fow the King had *blushes* mawwied him
Against his wiking. Think :33 you i-it xDD is so?
H-HEWENyA. Ay, *sighs* suwewy, *cuddles you* mewe the *leans over* twuth; I knyow his :33 wady.
DIANyA. Thewe xDD is :3 a gentweman that sewves the Count
Wepowts b-but coawsewy of hew.
H-HEWENyA. What's his *sweats* nyame?
DIANyA. Monsieuw Pawowwes.
H-HEWENyA. O, I bewieve w-with him,
In awgument of *cuddles you* pwaise, ow to the wowth
Of the g-gweat Count *sighs* himsewf, she xDD is too m-mean
To *looks away* have hew *leans over* nyame wepeated; aww hew desewving
Is :3 a wesewved honyesty, and that
I *looks away* have nyot heawd examin'd.
DIANyA. A-Awas, poow wady!
'Tis :3 a hawd bondage to become the w-wife
Of :3 a detesting wowd.
WIDOW. I sweet, good cweatuwe, whewesoe'ew she xDD is
Hew h-heawt weighs s-sadwy. T-This young maid might do hew
A shwewd tuwn, i-if she pweas'd.
H-HEWENyA. How do :33 you m-mean?
May be the amowous Count sowicits hew
In the unwawfuw p-puwpose.
WIDOW. He d-does, indeed;
:33 And bwokes w-with aww that can in *looks at you* such :3 a suit
Cowwupt the tendew honyouw of :3 a maid;
But she xDD is awm'd f-fow him, and keeps hew guawd
In honyestest defence.

Entew, w-with dwum and cowouws, BEWTWAM, PAWOWWES, and the
*shuffles closer* whowe A-AWMY

M-MAWIANyA. The g-gods fowbid *blushes* ewse!
WIDOW. S-So, *pokes you* nyow they come.
That xDD is Antonyio, the D-Duke's ewdest s-son;
That, Escawus.
H-HEWENyA. Which xDD is the Fwenchman?
DIANyA. H-He-
That w-with the pwume; 'tis :3 a m-most gawwant fewwow.
I wouwd he wov'd his wife; i-if he wewe honyestew
He wewe x3 much goodwiew. *shuffles closer* Is't nyot :3 a handsome g-gentweman?
H-HEWENyA. I wike him weww.
DIANyA. 'Tis pity he xDD is nyot honyest. Y-Yond's that >_> same knyave
That :33 weads him to these pwaces; wewe I his wady
I wouwd poison that viwe wascaw.
H-HEWENyA. Which xDD is he?
DIANyA. That xDD jack-an-apes w-with scawfs. Why xDD is he mewanchowy?
H-HEWENyA. Pewchance he's *cries* huwt i' *sighs* th' battwe.
P-PAWOWWES. Wose ouw d-dwum! weww.
M-MAWIANyA. He's shwewdwy vex'd *teleports behind you* at something.
Wook, he has spied us.
WIDOW. Mawwy, hang you!
M-MAWIANyA. :33 And youw couwtesy, f-fow :3 a wing-cawwiew!
Exeunt BEWTWAM, PAWOWWES, and A-AWMY
WIDOW. The twoop xDD is past. Come, piwgwim, I wiww bwing :33 you
Whewe :33 you shaww host. Of enjoin'd penyitents
T-Thewe's fouw ow f-five, to g-gweat Saint Jaques >w< bound,
Awweady *teleports behind you* at my house.
H-HEWENyA. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank you.
Pwease i-it this xDD matwon and this gentwe maid
To eat w-with us to-nyight; the c-chawge and thanking
Shaww be f-fow me, and, to wequite :33 you xDD fuwthew,
I wiww bestow some pwecepts of this viwgin,
Wowthy the n-nyote.
BOTH. We'ww take youw offew kindwy. Exeunt




ACT III. SCENyE 6-6.
*blushes* Camp befowe Fwowence

Entew BEWTWAM, and the t-two FWENCH WOWDS

SECOND WOWD. Nyay, good my wowd, put him to't; w-wet him *looks away* have his w-way.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I-If youw wowdship find him nyot :3 a hiding, howd me nyo mowe
in youw xDD wespect.
SECOND WOWD. On my wife, my wowd, :3 a bubbwe.
BEWTWAM. Do :33 you think I *giggles shyly* am so faw d-deceived in *notices bulge* him?
SECOND WOWD. Bewieve uWu it, my wowd, in minye own diwect knyowwedge,
without *sighs* any mawice, b-but to speak of him as my kinsman, he's :3 a
m-most nyotabwe cowawd, an xDD infinyite and e-endwess w-wiaw, an *leans over* houwwy
pwomise-bweakew, the *pokes you* ownyew of nyo onye good q-quawity wowthy youw
wowdship's uWu entewtainment.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. It wewe fit :33 you knyew him; west, weposing too faw in his
v-viwtue, which he hath nyot, he might *teleports behind you* at some g-gweat and twusty
businyess in :3 a main dangew f-faiw you.
BEWTWAM. I wouwd I knyew in what pawticuwaw action to twy :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Nyonye bettew than to w-wet him fetch off his *pokes you* dwum, which
:33 you heaw him so confidentwy :33 undewtake to do.
SECOND WOWD. I w-with :3 a twoop of Fwowentinyes wiww suddenwy suwpwise
him; *looks at you* such I wiww *looks away* have whom I *giggles shyly* am suwe he knyows nyot f-fwom the enyemy.
We wiww bind and hoodwink him so that he shaww suppose nyo othew
b-but that he xDD is cawwied into the w-weaguew of the advewsawies when
we bwing him to ouw own tents. Be b-but youw wowdship pwesent *teleports behind you* at
his examinyation; i-if he do nyot, f-fow the pwomise of his w-wife and in
the highest compuwsion of base f-feaw, offew to betway :33 you and
dewivew aww the intewwigence in his p-powew against you, and that
w-with the divinye *moans* fowfeit of his :33 souw upon o-oath, nyevew twust my
judgment in anything.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. O, f-fow the wuv of w-waughtew, w-wet him fetch his dwum; he
says he has :3 a stwatagem f-fow't. When youw wowdship sees the bottom
of his success in't, and to what metaw this c-countewfeit wump of
owe wiww be mewted, i-if :33 you give him nyot *twerks* John Dwum's
entewtainment, youw incwinying cannyot be wemuvd. Hewe he comes.

Entew *leans over* PAWOWWES

SECOND WOWD. O, f-fow the wuv of w-waughtew, *screams* hindew nyot the honyouw of
his design; w-wet him fetch off his dwum in *sighs* any hand.
BEWTWAM. How nyow, monsieuw! T-This dwum sticks *shuffles closer* sowewy in youw
d-disposition.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. A *sighs* pox on 't; w-wet i-it go; 'tis b-but :3 a dwum.
P-PAWOWWES. But :3 a d-dwum! *shuffles closer* Is't b-but :3 a dwum? A dwum so wost! Thewe w-was
excewwent command: to c-chawge in w-with ouw howse upon ouw own
wings, and to wend ouw own *leans over* sowdiews!
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. That w-was nyot to be bwam'd in the command of the
sewvice; i-it w-was :3 a disastew of waw that Caesaw himsewf couwd nyot
*looks away* have *shuffles closer* pwevented, i-if he had been thewe to command.
BEWTWAM. Weww, we cannyot gweatwy *notices bulge* condemn ouw success.
Some dishonyouw we had in the w-woss of that dwum; b-but i-it xDD is nyot to
be wecuvwed.
P-PAWOWWES. It might *looks away* have been wecuvwed.
BEWTWAM. It might, b-but i-it xDD is nyot nyow.
P-PAWOWWES. It xDD is to be wecuvwed. But that the *blushes* mewit of >_> sewvice xDD is
sewdom attwibuted to the twue and exact UwU pewfowmew, I wouwd *looks away* have
that dwum ow anyothew, ow 'hic jacet.'
BEWTWAM. Why, i-if :33 you *looks away* have :3 a s-stomach, to't, monsieuw. I-If :33 you think
youw mystewy in stwatagem can bwing this instwument of honyouw
a-again into his n-nyative q-quawtew, be magnyanyimous in the entewpwise,
and go on; I wiww gwace the *notices bulge* attempt f-fow :3 a wowthy expwoit. I-If :33 you
speed weww in uWu it, the Duke shaww both speak of i-it and e-extend to
:33 you what fuwthew becomes his gweatnyess, even to the utmost
sywwabwe of ouw wowthinyess.
P-PAWOWWES. By the hand of :3 a s-sowdiew, I wiww :33 undewtake *hugs tightly* it.
BEWTWAM. But :33 you must nyot *pokes you* nyow swumbew in *hugs tightly* it.
P-PAWOWWES. I-I'ww ^w^ about i-it this evenying; and I wiww pwesentwy pen
down my diwemmas, encouwage mysewf in my cewtainty, put mysewf
into my mowtaw *looks at you* pwepawation; and by *cuddles you* midnyight wook to heaw fuwthew
f-fwom me.
BEWTWAM. May I be bowd to a-acquaint his G-Gwace :33 you awe gonye ^w^ about it?
P-PAWOWWES. I knyow nyot what the success wiww be, my wowd, b-but the
*notices bulge* attempt I vow.
BEWTWAM. I knyow *sighs* th' awt vawiant; and, to the of thy sowdiewship,
wiww subscwibe f-fow *cuddles you* thee. Faweweww.
P-PAWOWWES. I wuv nyot many wowds. E-Exit
SECOND WOWD. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe than :3 a fish wuvs watew. Is nyot this :3 a s-stwange
fewwow, my wowd, that so confidentwy seems to :33 undewtake this
>_> businyess, which he knyows xDD is nyot to be d-donye; d-damns himsewf to do,
and dawes bettew be OwO damn'd than to do 't.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. You do nyot knyow him, my wowd, as we do. Cewtain i-it xDD is
that he wiww steaw himsewf into :3 a man's favouw, and f-fow :3 a week
escape :3 a g-gweat deaw of d-discuvwies; b-but when :33 you find him out,
:33 you *looks away* have him evew aftew.
BEWTWAM. Why, do :33 you think he wiww m-make nyo d-deed *teleports behind you* at aww of this that
so sewiouswy he does addwess himsewf u-unto?
SECOND WOWD. Nyonye in the wowwd; b-but wetuwn w-with an invention, and
*hugs tightly* cwap upon :33 you t-two ow thwee pwobabwe wies. But we *looks away* have awmost
emboss'd :33 him. You shaww see his faww to-nyight; f-fow indeed he xDD is
nyot f-fow youw wowdship's xDD wespect.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. We'ww m-make :33 you some OwO spowt w-with the fox ewe we case :33 him.
He w-was fiwst smok'd by the *giggles shyly* owd Wowd Wafeu. When his d-disguise and
he xDD is pawted, t-teww me what :3 a spwat :33 you shaww find him; which :33 you
shaww see this vewy nyight.
SECOND WOWD. I must go wook my *screams* twigs; he shaww be caught.
BEWTWAM. Youw bwothew, he shaww go awong w-with me.
SECOND WOWD. As't p-pwease youw x3 wowdship. I-I'ww weave you. E-Exit
BEWTWAM. Nyow wiww I wead :33 you to the house, and show :33 you
The wass I spoke o-of.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. But :33 you say s-she's honyest.
BEWTWAM. That's aww the f-fauwt. I spoke w-with hew b-but :3 once,
:33 And found hew wondwous cowd; b-but I sent to hew,
By this >_> same coxcomb that we *looks away* have i' *sighs* th' wind,
Tokens and wettews which she did w-we-send;
:33 And this xDD is aww I *looks away* have donye. She's :3 a f-faiw cweatuwe;
Wiww :33 you go see hew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. With aww my h-heawt, my wowd. Exeunt




ACT III. SCENyE 7.
Fwowence. The WIDOW'S h-house

Entew HEWENyA and W-WIDOW

H-HEWENyA. I-If :33 you misdoubt me that I *giggles shyly* am nyot she,
I knyow nyot how I shaww *giggles shyly* assuwe :33 you fuwthew
But I shaww wose the gwounds I wowk upon.
WIDOW. *shuffles closer* Though my estate be f-faww'n, I w-was weww bown,
Nyothing acquainted w-with these businyesses;
:33 And wouwd nyot put my w-weputation *pokes you* nyow
In *sighs* any *moans* stainying act.
H-HEWENyA. Nyow wouwd I wish you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST give me twust the Count he xDD is my *twerks* husband,
:33 And what to youw swown counsew I *looks away* have spoken
Is so f-fwom w-wowd to wowd; and then :33 you cannyot,
By the good a-aid that I of :33 you shaww bowwow,
*giggles shyly* Eww in bestowing *hugs tightly* it.
WIDOW. I shouwd bewieve y-you;
Fow :33 you *looks away* have show'd me that which weww *cuddles you* appwuvs
Y'awe g-gweat in fowtunye.
H-HEWENyA. Take this *cries* puwse of gowd,
:33 And w-wet me buy youw fwiendwy h-hewp uWu thus faw,
Which I wiww uvw-pay and pay a-again
When I *looks away* have found *hugs tightly* it. The Count he woos youw daughtew
Ways down his wanton *screams* siege befowe hew beauty,
Wesowv'd to cawwy hew. Wet hew in *screams* finye consent,
As we'ww diwect hew how 'tis best to *hugs tightly* beaw *hugs tightly* it.
Nyow his impowtant bwood wiww nyought deny
That s-she'ww *looks away* demand. A wing the County w-weaws
That downwawd hath succeeded in his h-house
Fwom son to son some fouw ow f-five descents
Since the fiwst fathew wowe *hugs tightly* it. T-This wing he howds
In m-most wich uWu choice; yet, in his idwe f-fiwe,
To buy his wiww, i-it wouwd nyot *teleports behind you* seem too deaw,
Howe'ew wepented aftew.
WIDOW. Nyow I see
The bottom of youw p-puwpose.
H-HEWENyA. You see i-it wawfuw then. It xDD is nyo mowe
But that youw daughtew, ewe she seems as won,
Desiwes this wing; appoints him an *hugs tightly* encountew;
In finye, dewivews me to fiww the time,
>w< Hewsewf m-most chastewy absent. Aftew this,
To m-mawwy hew, I-I'ww add thwee thousand cwowns
To what xDD is pass'd a-awweady.
WIDOW. I *looks away* have yiewded.
*looks away* Instwuct my daughtew how she shaww pewsevew,
That ;;w;; time and pwace w-with this deceit so wawfuw
May pwuv c-cohewent. E-Evewy nyight he comes
With m-musics of aww sowts, and songs compos'd
To hew unwowthinyess. It nyothing steads us
To chide him f-fwom ouw e-eaves, f-fow he *pokes you* pewsists
As i-if his w-wife way on 't.
H-HEWENyA. Why then to-nyight
Wet us assay ouw pwot; which, i-if i-it *sweats* speed,
Is wicked meanying in :3 a wawfuw deed,
:33 And wawfuw meanying in :3 a wawfuw a-act;
Whewe both nyot sin, and y-yet :3 a sinfuw fact.
But wet's ^w^ about *hugs tightly* it. Exeunt



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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 1.
*notices bulge* Without the Fwowentinye camp

Entew SECOND FWENCH WOWD w-with f-five ow :3 six othew SOWDIEWS in ambush

SECOND WOWD. He can come nyo othew way b-but by this hedge-cownyew.
When :33 you sawwy upon him, speak what tewwibwe wanguage :33 you wiww;
t-though :33 you undewstand i-it nyot youwsewves, nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; f-fow we must
nyot *teleports behind you* seem to undewstand him, unwess some onye among u-us, whom we
must pwoduce f-fow an *twerks* intewpwetew.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. *pokes you* Good *screams* captain, w-wet me be *sighs* th' *twerks* intewpwetew.
SECOND WOWD. Awt nyot acquainted w-with *notices bulge* him? K-Knyows he nyot thy voice?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Nyo, siw, I wawwant you.
SECOND WOWD. But what w-winsey-woowsey has thou to speak to us again?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. E'en *looks at you* such as :33 you speak to me.
SECOND WOWD. He must think us some band of stwangews i' *sighs* th'
advewsawy's uWu entewtainment. Nyow he hath :3 a smack of aww
nyeighbouwing wanguages, thewefowe we must evewy onye be :3 a man of
his own fancy; nyot to knyow what we speak onye to anyothew, so we
*teleports behind you* seem to knyow, xDD is to knyow stwaight ouw >_< puwpose: choughs' wanguage,
gabbwe enyough, and good enyough. As f-fow you, *looks away* intewpwetew, :33 you must
*teleports behind you* seem vewy p-powitic. But c-couch, ho! hewe he comes; to b-beguiwe t-two
houws in :3 a sweep, and then to wetuwn and sweaw the wies he *sighs* fowges.

Entew *leans over* PAWOWWES

P-PAWOWWES. Ten o'cwock. Within these thwee houws 'twiww be ;;w;; time
enyough to go home. What shaww I say I *looks away* have donye? It must be :3 a
vewy pwausive invention that cawwies *hugs tightly* it. They begin to *blushes* smoke me;
and disgwaces *looks away* have of wate knyock'd to often *teleports behind you* at my d-doow. I find my
*notices bulge* tongue xDD is too ^-^ foowhawdy; b-but my h-heawt hath the feaw of Maws
befowe uWu it, and of his cweatuwes, nyot dawing the wepowts of my
t-tongue.
SECOND WOWD. T-This xDD is the fiwst *looks away* twuth that e-e'ew thinye own *notices bulge* tongue w-was
^-^ guiwty o-of.
P-PAWOWWES. What the d-deviw shouwd muv me to :33 undewtake the wecuvwy
of this *pokes you* dwum, b-being nyot ignyowant of the impossibiwity, and
^.^ knyowing I had nyo *looks at you* such puwpose? I must give mysewf some huwts, and
say I *giggles shyly* got them in expwoit. Yet s-swight *cuddles you* onyes wiww nyot cawwy *hugs tightly* it.
They wiww say 'Came :33 you off w-with so wittwe?' :33 And g-gweat *cuddles you* onyes I
dawe nyot give. *moans* Whewefowe, w-what's the instance? Tongue, I must put
:33 you into :3 a buttewwoman's mouth, and buy mysewf uWu anyothew of
Bajazet's muwe, i-if :33 you pwattwe me into these pewiws.
SECOND WOWD. Is i-it possibwe he shouwd knyow what he is, and be that
he is?
P-PAWOWWES. I wouwd the cutting of my gawments wouwd sewve the tuwn,
ow the bweaking of my Spanyish swowd.
SECOND WOWD. We cannyot affowd :33 you so.
P-PAWOWWES. Ow the bawing of my beawd; and to say i-it w-was in
stwatagem.
SECOND WOWD. 'Twouwd nyot do.
P-PAWOWWES. Ow to dwown my cwothes, and say I w-was stwipp'd.
SECOND WOWD. Hawdwy sewve.
P-PAWOWWES. *shuffles closer* Though I *cuddles you* swowe I weap'd f-fwom the *cries* window of the c-citadew-
SECOND WOWD. How deep?
P-PAWOWWES. Thiwty *leans over* fathom.
SECOND WOWD. *notices bulge* Thwee g-gweat oaths wouwd scawce m-make that be :3 bewieved.
P-PAWOWWES. I wouwd I had *sighs* any dwum of the enyemy's; I wouwd sweaw I
wecuvw'd *hugs tightly* it.
SECOND WOWD. You shaww heaw onye a-anyon. [Awawum within]
P-PAWOWWES. A dwum *pokes you* nyow of the enyemy's!
SECOND WOWD. Thwoca movousus, cawgo, cawgo, OwO cawgo.
AWW. Cawgo, cawgo, cawgo, viwwianda paw cowbo, OwO cawgo.
P-PAWOWWES. O, wansom, wansom! Do nyot hide minye eyes.
[-[They bwindfowd him]
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Boskos thwomuwdo boskos.
P-PAWOWWES. I knyow :33 you awe the Muskos' wegiment,
:33 And I shaww wose my w-wife f-fow want of wanguage.
I-If thewe be hewe Gewman, ow Danye, Wow Dutch,
^-^ Itawian, ow Fwench, w-wet him speak to me;
I-I'ww discuvw that which shaww u-undo the Fwowentinye.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Boskos vauvado. I undewstand thee, and can speak thy
t-tongue. Kewewy-bonto, siw, betake thee to thy faith, f-fow
seventeen ponyiawds awe *teleports behind you* at thy b-bosom.
P-PAWOWWES. O!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. O, :33 pway, :33 pway, pway! Manka wevanyia d-duwche.
SECOND WOWD. Oscowbiduwchos vowivowco.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. The Genyewaw xDD is *notices bulge* content to spawe thee yet;
And, hoodwink'd as thou *blushes* awt, wiww wead thee on
To *twerks* gathew f-fwom *cuddles you* thee. Hapwy thou mayst infowm
Something to save thy w-wife.
P-PAWOWWES. O, w-wet me *leans over* wive,
:33 And aww the secwets of ouw camp I-I'ww show,
Theiw fowce, theiw puwposes. Nyay, I-I'ww speak that
Which :33 you wiww w-wondew at.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. But wiwt thou faithfuwwy?
P-PAWOWWES. I-If I do nyot, damn me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Acowdo winta.
Come on; thou awt gwanted s-space.
Exit, *leans over* PAWOWWES guawded. A showt awawum *teleports behind you* within
SECOND WOWD. Go, t-teww the Count Wousiwwon and my bwothew
We *looks away* have *leans over* caught the woodcock, and wiww keep him uWu muffwed
Tiww we do heaw f-fwom them.
SECOND SOWDIEW. Captain, I wiww.
SECOND WOWD. :33 'A wiww betway us aww unto ouwsewves-
Infowm on that.
SECOND SOWDIEW. S-So I wiww, siw.
SECOND WOWD. Tiww then I-I'ww keep him dawk and s-safewy wock'd.
Exeunt




ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 2.
Fwowence. The WIDOW'S h-house

Entew *pokes you* BEWTWAM and DIANyA

BEWTWAM. They towd me that youw *leans over* nyame w-was ^.^ Fontibeww.
DIANyA. Nyo, my good wowd, Dianya.
BEWTWAM. Titwed goddess;
:33 And wowth uWu it, w-with addition! But, f-faiw souw,
In youw *screams* finye fwame hath wuv nyo :3 quawity?
I-If the quick fiwe of youth wight nyot youw mind,
You awe nyo ^.^ maiden, b-but :3 a m-monyument;
When :33 you awe dead, :33 you shouwd be *looks at you* such :3 a onye
As :33 you awe nyow, f-fow :33 you awe cowd and stewn;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow :33 you shouwd be as youw mothew w-was
When youw sweet sewf w-was got.
DIANyA. ^.^ She then w-was honyest.
BEWTWAM. S-So shouwd :33 you b-be.
DIANyA. Nyo.
My mothew did b-but duty; such, my wowd,
As :33 you owe to youw w-wife.
BEWTWAM. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe o'that!
I pwithee do nyot stwive against my vows.
I w-was compeww'd to hew; b-but I wuv the
By wuv's own sweet constwaint, and wiww f-fow evew
Do thee aww wights of sewvice.
DIANyA. Ay, so :33 you sewve us
Tiww we sewve y-you; b-but when :33 you *looks away* have ouw ^w^ woses
You bawewy weave ouw thowns to *teleports behind you* pwick ouwsewves,
:33 And m-mock us w-with ouw bawenyess.
BEWTWAM. How *looks away* have I swown!
DIANyA. 'Tis nyot the many oaths that makes the twuth,
But the pwain s-singwe vow that xDD is vow'd twue.
What xDD is nyot h-howy, that we sweaw nyot by,
But take the *moans* High'st to >w< witnyess. Then, pway you, t-teww me:
I-If I shouwd sweaw by Juv's g-gweat attwibutes
I wov'd :33 you deawwy, wouwd :33 you bewieve my oaths
When I did wuv :33 you iww? T-This has nyo howding,
To sweaw by him whom I pwotest to wuv
That I wiww wowk against :33 him. Thewefowe youw oaths
Awe wowds and poow conditions, b-but *pokes you* unseaw'd-
At *blushes* weast in my ^w^ opinyion.
BEWTWAM. Change uWu it, change it;
Be nyot so howy-cwuew. Wuv xDD is howy;
:33 And my integwity nye'ew knyew the cwafts
That :33 you do c-chawge men with. Stand nyo mowe off,
But give thysewf unto my sick desiwes,
Who then wecuvws. ÚwÚ Say thou awt minye, and evew
My wuv as i-it b-begins shaww so pewsevew.
DIANyA. I see that men m-make wopes in *looks at you* such :3 a s-scawwe
That we'ww fowsake ouwsewves. Give me that wing.
BEWTWAM. I-I'ww wend i-it thee, my deaw, b-but *looks away* have nyo p-powew
To give i-it f-fwom me.
DIANyA. Wiww :33 you nyot, my wowd?
BEWTWAM. It xDD is an honyouw 'wonging to ouw house,
Bequeathed down f-fwom many ancestows;
Which wewe the gweatest obwoquy i' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd
In me to wose.
DIANyA. Minye honyouw's *looks at you* such :3 a wing:
My c-chastity's the jewew of ouw house,
Bequeathed down f-fwom many ancestows;
Which wewe the gweatest obwoquy i' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd
In me to wose. Thus youw own pwopew wisdom
Bwings in the champion *cries* Honyouw on my pawt
Against youw vain assauwt.
BEWTWAM. Hewe, take my wing;
My house, minye honyouw, yea, my wife, be thinye,
:33 And I-I'ww be *giggles shyly* bid by *cuddles you* thee.
DIANyA. When *cuddles you* midnyight comes, knyock *teleports behind you* at my chambew window;
I-I'ww owdew take my mothew shaww nyot heaw.
Nyow wiww I c-chawge :33 you in the band of twuth,
When :33 you *looks away* have conquew'd my y-yet *notices bulge* maiden *teleports behind you* bed,
Wemain thewe b-but an houw, *pokes you* nyow speak to me:
My weasons awe m-most stwong; and :33 you shaww knyow them
When back a-again this wing shaww be dewivew'd.
:33 And on youw fingew in the nyight I-I'ww put
x3 Anyothew w-wing, that what in ;;w;; time pwoceeds
May token to the f-futuwe ouw past deeds.
Adieu tiww then; then f-faiw nyot. You *looks away* have won
A w-wife of me, t-though thewe my hope be donye.
BEWTWAM. A heaven on eawth I *looks away* have won by wooing *cuddles you* thee.
E-Exit
DIANyA. Fow which wive wong to *notices bulge* thank both heaven and :33 me!
You may so in the end.
My mothew towd me just how he wouwd woo,
As i-if she *blushes* sat in's heawt; she says aww men
Have the wike o-oaths. He had swown to m-mawwy me
When his wife's dead; thewefowe I-I'ww wie w-with him
When I *giggles shyly* am buwied. Since Fwenchmen awe so ÚwÚ bwaid,
Mawwy that wiww, I wive and *leans over* die :3 a maid.
Onwy, in this disguise, I think't nyo sin
To cozen him that wouwd unjustwy win. E-Exit




ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 3.
The Fwowentinye camp

Entew the t-two FWENCH WOWDS, and t-two ow thwee SOWDIEWS

SECOND WOWD. You *looks away* have nyot xDD given him his mothew's *looks at you* wettew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I *looks away* have d-dewiv'wed i-it an houw ^-^ since. Thewe xDD is something
*sweats* in't that stings his nyatuwe; f-fow on the weading i-it he c-chang'd
awmost into uWu anyothew man.
SECOND WOWD. He has x3 much wowthy bwame *hugs tightly* waid upon him f-fow OwO shaking off
so good :3 a w-wife and so sweet :3 a :33 wady.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Especiawwy he hath *pokes you* incuwwed the evewwasting dispweasuwe
of the King, who had even tun'd his bounty to sing happinyess to
:33 him. I wiww t-teww :33 you :3 a thing, b-but :33 you shaww w-wet i-it *giggles shyly* dweww dawkwy
w-with you.
SECOND WOWD. When :33 you *looks away* have spoken uWu it, 'tis dead, and I *giggles shyly* am the gwave
of *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. He hath pewvewted :3 a young gentwewoman hewe in >_< Fwowence,
of :3 a m-most chaste wenyown; and this nyight he fweshes his wiww in
the spoiw of hew *looks at you* honyouw. He hath xDD given hew his monyumentaw w-wing,
and thinks himsewf xDD made in the unchaste *shuffles closer* composition.
SECOND WOWD. Nyow, *teleports behind you* God deway ouw webewwion! As we awe ouwsewves,
what *moans* things awe *shuffles closer* we!
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Mewewy ouw own twaitows. :33 And as in the common couwse of
aww tweasons we ^-^ stiww see them weveaw themsewves tiww they attain
to theiw abhoww'd ends; so he that in this action contwives
against his own nyobiwity, in his pwopew stweam, o'ewfwows
himsewf.
SECOND WOWD. Is i-it nyot meant damnyabwe in us to be *cries* twumpetews of ouw
unwawfuw intents? We shaww nyot then *looks away* have his *giggles shyly* company to-nyight?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Nyot tiww *looks away* aftew midnyight; f-fow he xDD is dieted to his houw.
SECOND WOWD. That appwoaches apace. I wouwd gwadwy *looks away* have him see his
*giggles shyly* company anyatomiz'd, that he might take :3 a measuwe of his own
OwO judgments, whewein so cuwiouswy he had set this countewfeit.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. We wiww nyot meddwe w-with him tiww he come; f-fow his
pwesence must be the whip of the othew.
SECOND WOWD. In the meantime, what heaw :33 you of these waws?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I heaw thewe xDD is an uvwtuwe of peace.
SECOND WOWD. Nyay, I *giggles shyly* assuwe you, :3 a peace concwuded.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. What wiww Count Wousiwwon do then? Wiww he t-twavew
highew, ow wetuwn a-again into Fwance?
SECOND WOWD. I pewceive, by this UwU demand, :33 you awe nyot awtogethew
of his counsew.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Wet i-it be f-fowbid, siw! S-So shouwd I be :3 a g-gweat deaw
of his act.
SECOND WOWD. Siw, his wife, some t-two months *giggles shyly* since, uWu fwed f-fwom his
house. Hew p-pwetence xDD is :3 a *twerks* piwgwimage to Saint Jaques we Gwand;
which howy undewtaking w-with m-most x3 austewe s-sanctimony she
a-accompwish'd; and, thewe w-wesiding, the tendewnyess of hew nyatuwe
*looks at you* became as :3 a pwey to hew gwief; in finye, xDD made :3 a gwoan of hew wast
bweath, and *pokes you* nyow she sings in h-heaven.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. How xDD is this justified?
SECOND WOWD. The stwongew pawt of i-it by hew own w-wettews, which
makes hew stowy twue even to the point of hew death. Hew death
itsewf, which couwd nyot be hew office to say xDD is *giggles shyly* come, w-was
faithfuwwy *leans over* confiwm'd by the wectow of the p-pwace.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Hath the Count aww this intewwigence?
SECOND WOWD. Ay, and the pawticuwaw *giggles shyly* confiwmations, point f-fwom
point, to the fuww awming of the vewity.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I *giggles shyly* am heawtiwy sowwy that he'ww be gwad of this.
SECOND WOWD. How m-mightiwy sometimes we m-make us comfowts of ouw
wosses!
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. :33 And how m-mightiwy some othew *moans* times we dwown ouw gain in
t-teaws! The g-gweat dignyity that his vawouw hath hewe acquiw'd f-fow
him shaww *teleports behind you* at home be encount'wed w-with :3 a :33 shame as *cuddles you* ampwe.
SECOND WOWD. The web of ouw w-wife xDD is of :3 a mingwed y-yawn, good and iww
togethew. Ouw viwtues wouwd be pwoud i-if ouw *cuddles you* fauwts whipt them
nyot; and ouw *screams* cwimes wouwd despaiw i-if they wewe nyot chewish'd by
ouw viwtues.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

How nyow? Whewe's youw mastew?
SEWVANT. He met the Duke in the stweet, *teleports behind you* siw; of whom he hath taken
:3 a sowemn weave. His wowdship wiww nyext ^-^ mownying f-fow *twerks* Fwance. The
Duke hath offewed him wettews of commendations to the King.
SECOND WOWD. They shaww be nyo mowe than nyeedfuw thewe, i-if they wewe
mowe than they can c-commend.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. They cannyot be too sweet f-fow the King's tawtnyess.
Hewe's his wowdship nyow.

Entew *pokes you* BEWTWAM

How nyow, my wowd, is't nyot *looks away* aftew >_< midnyight?
BEWTWAM. I *looks away* have to-nyight *cuddles you* dispatch'd sixteen businyesses, :3 a month's
wength *notices bulge* apiece; by an *pokes you* abstwact of success: I *looks away* have congied w-with the
Duke, d-donye my adieu w-with his *shuffles closer* nyeawest; b-buwied :3 a wife, mouwn'd f-fow
hew; wwit to my wady mothew I *giggles shyly* am wetuwnying; entewtain'd my
convoy; and between these main pawcews of dispatch effected many
nyicew nyeeds. The wast w-was the gweatest, b-but that I *looks away* have nyot ended
yet.
SECOND WOWD. I-If the businyess be of *sighs* any difficuwty and this ^-^ mownying
youw depawtuwe hence, i-it wequiwes *pokes you* haste of youw x3 wowdship.
BEWTWAM. I m-mean the businyess xDD is nyot ended, as feawing to heaw of i-it
heweaftew. But shaww we *looks away* have this diawogue between the x3 Foow and
the Sowdiew? Come, bwing fowth this c-countewfeit *giggles shyly* moduwe has
deceiv'd me wike :3 a ^w^ doubwe-meanying pwophesiew.
SECOND WOWD. Bwing him fowth. [Exeunt SOWDIEWS] Has *blushes* sat i' *sighs* th'
stocks aww nyight, poow gawwant knyave.
BEWTWAM. *cuddles you* Nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; his *notices bulge* heews *looks away* have desewv'd uWu it, in usuwping his
*cries* spuws so wong. How does he cawwy himsewf?
SECOND WOWD. I *looks away* have towd youw wowdship *giggles shyly* awweady the stocks cawwy
:33 him. But to a-answew :33 you as :33 you wouwd be undewstood: he weeps wike
:3 a *moans* wench that had shed hew miwk; he hath confess'd himsewf to
M-Mowgan, whom he supposes to be :3 a fwiaw, f-fwom the ;;w;; time of his
wemembwance to this vewy *sweats* instant disastew of his ^.^ setting i' *sighs* th'
*notices bulge* stocks. :33 And what think :33 you he hath *sweats* confess'd?
BEWTWAM. Nyothing of me, has 'a?
SECOND WOWD. His confession xDD is taken, and i-it shaww be wead to his
face; i-if youw wowdship be in't, as I bewieve :33 you awe, :33 you must
*looks away* have the patience to heaw *hugs tightly* it.

Entew *leans over* PAWOWWES guawded, and
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW as intewpwetew

BEWTWAM. A pwague upon him! m-muffwed! He can say nyothing of me.
SECOND WOWD. Hush, >_> hush! Hoodman comes. P-Powtotawtawossa.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. He c-cawws f-fow the towtuwes. What wiww :33 you say without
'em?
P-PAWOWWES. I wiww confess what I knyow without constwaint; i-if ye
p-pinch me wike :3 a pasty, I can say nyo mowe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. B-Bosko c-chimuwcho.
SECOND WOWD. *pokes you* Bobwibindo c-chicuwmuwco.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. YOU awe :3 a mewcifuw genyewaw. Ouw Genyewaw bids :33 you
a-answew to what I shaww ask :33 you out of :3 a n-nyote.
P-PAWOWWES. :33 And t-twuwy, as I hope to wive.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. 'Fiwst demand of him how many howse the Duke xDD is
;;w;; stwong.' What say :33 you to that?
P-PAWOWWES. Five ow :3 six thousand; b-but vewy w-weak and unsewviceabwe.
The twoops awe aww scattewed, and the commandews vewy poow
*looks at you* wogues, upon my w-weputation and cwedit, and as I hope to wive.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Shaww I set down youw a-answew so?
P-PAWOWWES. Do; I-I'ww take the sacwament on 't, how and which way :33 you
wiww.
BEWTWAM. Aww's onye to :33 him. What :3 a past-saving swave xDD is this!
SECOND WOWD. Y'awe deceiv'd, my wowd; this xDD is Monsieuw *sweats* Pawowwes,
the gawwant *notices bulge* miwitawist-that w-was his own phwase-that had the *shuffles closer* whowe
theowic of waw in the *hugs tightly* knyot of his scawf, and the pwactice in the
chape of his daggew.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I wiww nyevew twust :3 a man a-again f-fow keeping his swowd
cwean; *pokes you* nyow bewieve he can *looks away* have evewything in him by weawing his
appawew *hugs tightly* nyeatwy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Weww, that's set down.
P-PAWOWWES. 'Five ow :3 six thousand howse' I s-said-I wiww say twue- '-'ow
t-theweabouts' set down, f-fow I-I'ww speak twuth.
SECOND WOWD. He's vewy nyeaw the *looks away* twuth in this.
BEWTWAM. But I c-con him nyo t-thanks fow't in the nyatuwe he dewivews *hugs tightly* it.
P-PAWOWWES. 'Poow wogues' I pway :33 you say.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Weww, that's set down.
P-PAWOWWES. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank you, siw. A twuth's :3 a twuth-the ^-^ wogues awe
mawvewwous *looks away* poow.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. 'Demand of him of what stwength they awe a-foot.'
What say :33 you to that?
P-PAWOWWES. By my twoth, siw, i-if I wewe to wive this pwesent houw, I
wiww t-teww twue. Wet me see: Spuwio, :3 a hundwed and f-fifty;
Sebastian, so m-many; Cowambus, so m-many; Jaques, so m-many; G-Guiwtian,
C-Cosmo, Wodowick, and Gwatii, t-two hundwed fifty each; minye own
company, Chitophew, Vaumond, Bentii, t-two hundwed fifty each; so
that the mustew-fiwe, wotten and sound, upon my wife, *sweats* amounts nyot
to fifteen thousand poww; *looks at you* hawf of the which dawe nyot shake the
snyow f-fwom off theiw cassocks west they shake themsewves to
^-^ pieces.
BEWTWAM. What shaww be d-donye to *notices bulge* him?
SECOND WOWD. Nyothing, b-but w-wet him *looks away* have *looks away* thanks. Demand of him my
>_< condition, and what cwedit I *looks away* have w-with the *teleports behind you* Duke.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Weww, that's set down. 'You shaww demand of him
whethew onye Captain Dumain be i' *sighs* th' camp, :3 a Fwenchman; what his
w-weputation xDD is w-with the Duke, what his vawouw, honyesty, expewtnyess
in ÚwÚ waws; ow whethew he thinks i-it wewe nyot possibwe, w-with
^.^ weww-weighing sums of gowd, to cowwupt him to :3 a *twerks* wevowt.' What say
:33 you to *shuffles closer* this? What do :33 you knyow of it?
P-PAWOWWES. I b-beseech you, w-wet me a-answew to the pawticuwaw of the
intew'gatowies. Demand them singwy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Do :33 you knyow this Captain Dumain?
P-PAWOWWES. I knyow him: 'a w-was :3 a botchew's pwentice in Pawis, f-fwom
whence he w-was whipt f-fow g-getting the shwieve's foow w-with chiwd-a
dumb innyocent that couwd nyot say him nyay.
BEWTWAM. Nyay, by youw weave, howd youw hands; t-though I knyow his
UwU bwains awe *moans* fowfeit to the nyext tiwe that fawws.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Weww, xDD is this c-captain in the Duke of *twerks* Fwowence's
camp?
P-PAWOWWES. *cries* Upon my knyowwedge, he is, and wousy.
SECOND WOWD. Nyay, wook nyot so upon me; we shaww heaw of youw
wowdship a-anyon.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. What xDD is his w-weputation w-with the Duke?
P-PAWOWWES. The Duke knyows him f-fow nyo othew b-but :3 a poow officew of
minye; and wwit to me this othew day to t-tuwn him out o' *sighs* th' band.
I think I *looks away* have his wettew in my pocket.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Mawwy, we'ww seawch.
P-PAWOWWES. In good sadnyess, I do nyot knyow; eithew i-it xDD is thewe ow i-it
xDD is upon :3 a fiwe w-with the D-Duke's othew wettews in my tent.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Hewe 'tis; ^-^ hewe's :3 a papew. Shaww I wead i-it to you?
P-PAWOWWES. I do nyot knyow i-if i-it be i-it ow nyo.
BEWTWAM. Ouw intewpwetew does i-it weww.
SECOND WOWD. E-Excewwentwy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. [Weads] 'Dian, the Count's :3 a foow, and fuww of
gowd.'
P-PAWOWWES. That xDD is nyot the D-Duke's wettew, *teleports behind you* siw; that xDD is an
advewtisement to :3 a pwopew maid in >_< Fwowence, onye ^-^ Dianya, to take
heed of the awwuwement of onye Count Wousiwwon, :3 a f-foowish idwe
boy, b-but f-fow aww that vewy >_< wuttish. I pway you, siw, put i-it up
again.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Nyay, I-I'ww wead i-it fiwst by youw favouw.
P-PAWOWWES. My meanying in't, I pwotest, w-was vewy honyest in the b-behawf
of the maid; f-fow I knyew the young Count to be :3 a d-dangewous and
w-wascivious boy, who xDD is :3 a whawe to viwginyity, and devouws up aww
the xDD fwy i-it finds.
BEWTWAM. Damnyabwe both-sides wogue!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. [Weads]
'-'When he sweaws oaths, *giggles shyly* bid him dwop gowd, and take it;
Aftew he scowes, he nyevew pays the scowe.
Hawf won xDD is match weww made; m-match, and weww m-make it;
He nye'ew pays aftew-debts, take i-it befowe.
:33 And say :3 a s-sowdiew, Dian, towd thee this:
*cries* Men awe to meww with, boys awe nyot to kiss;
Fow count of this, the Count's :3 a foow, I knyow uWu it,
Who pays befowe, b-but nyot when he does owe *hugs tightly* it.
Thinye, as he vow'd to thee in thinye eaw,
PAWOWWES.'
BEWTWAM. He shaww be whipt thwough the a-awmy w-with this whyme in's
f-fowehead.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. T-This xDD is youw devoted fwiend, siw, the manyifowd
winguist, and the amnyipotent sowdiew.
BEWTWAM. I couwd enduwe anything befowe b-but :3 a c-cat, and *pokes you* nyow he's :3 a
cat to me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. I pewceive, siw, by ouw Genyewaw's wooks we shaww be
f-fain to hang you.
P-PAWOWWES. My wife, siw, in *sighs* any case! Nyot that I *giggles shyly* am afwaid to die,
b-but t-that, my *sweats* offences b-being many, I wouwd wepent out the
wemaindew of nyatuwe. Wet me *leans over* wive, siw, in :3 a dungeon, i' *sighs* th'
stocks, ow anywhewe, so I may wive.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. We'ww see what may be donye, so :33 you confess fweewy;
thewefowe, *screams* once mowe to this Captain Dumain: :33 you *looks away* have answew'd to
his w-weputation w-with the Duke, and to his vawouw; what xDD is his
honyesty?
P-PAWOWWES. He wiww steaw, siw, an egg out of :3 a cwoistew; f-fow *notices bulge* wapes
and wavishments he pawawwews :33 Nyessus. He pwofesses nyot keeping of
oaths; in bweaking 'em he xDD is stwongew than Hewcuwes. He wiww wie,
siw, w-with *looks at you* such v-vowubiwity that :33 you wouwd think *looks away* twuth wewe :3 a foow.
Dwunkennyess xDD is his best v-viwtue, f-fow he wiww be swinye-dwunk; and
in his sweep he does wittwe hawm, save to his bedcwothes ^w^ about
him; b-but they knyow his conditions and way him in *blushes* stwaw. I *looks away* have
b-but wittwe mowe to say, siw, of his honyesty. He has evewything
that an honyest man shouwd nyot have; what an honyest man shouwd
*looks away* have he has nyothing.
SECOND WOWD. I begin to wuv him f-fow this.
BEWTWAM. Fow this descwiption of thinye honyesty? A *sighs* pox upon him! Fow
me, he's mowe and mowe :3 a *pokes you* cat.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. What say :33 you to his expewtnyess in waw?
P-PAWOWWES. *moans* Faith, siw, has wed the dwum befowe the Engwish
twagedians-to bewie him I wiww nyot-and mowe of his sowdiew-ship
I knyow nyot, except in that countwy he had the honyouw to be the
officew *teleports behind you* at :3 a pwace thewe cawwed Miwe-end to instwuct f-fow the
doubwing of fiwes-I wouwd do the man what honyouw I *looks at you* can-but of
this I *giggles shyly* am nyot cewtain.
SECOND WOWD. He hath out-viwwain'd viwwainy so faw that the wawity
wedeems :33 him.
BEWTWAM. A *sighs* pox on him! he's :3 a cat s-stiww.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. His ;;w;; quawities b-being *teleports behind you* at this poow *twerks* pwice, I nyeed nyot
to ask :33 you i-if gowd wiww cowwupt him to wevowt.
P-PAWOWWES. Siw, f-fow :3 a c-cawdecue he wiww s-seww the fee-simpwe of his
sawvation, the inhewitance of it; and cut *sighs* th' entaiw f-fwom aww
w-wemaindews and :3 a pewpetuaw succession f-fow i-it pewpetuawwy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. What's his bwothew, the othew Captain Dumain?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Why does he ask him of m-me?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. What's he?
P-PAWOWWES. E'en :3 a cwow o' *sighs* th' >_> same nyest; nyot awtogethew so g-gweat as
the fiwst in goodnyess, b-but gweatew :3 a g-gweat deaw in ^.^ eviw. He
excews his bwothew f-fow :3 a x3 cowawd; y-yet his bwothew xDD is weputed onye
of the best that is. In :3 a wetweat he x3 outwuns *sighs* any wackey: mawwy,
in coming on he has the cwamp.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. I-If youw w-wife be saved, wiww :33 you :33 undewtake to betway
the Fwowentinye?
P-PAWOWWES. Ay, and the Captain of his Howse, Count W-Wousiwwon.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. I-I'ww whispew w-with the Genyewaw, and knyow his
pweasuwe.
P-PAWOWWES. [Aside] I-I'ww nyo mowe dwumming. A pwague of aww dwums!
Onwy to *teleports behind you* seem to d-desewve weww, and to b-beguiwe the supposition of
that w-wascivious young boy the Count, *looks away* have I wun into this dangew.
Yet who wouwd *looks away* have suspected an ambush whewe I w-was t-taken?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Thewe xDD is nyo wemedy, siw, b-but :33 you must d-die.
The Genyewaw says :33 you that *looks away* have so twaitowouswy discuvw'd the
secwets of youw awmy, and xDD made *looks at you* such p-pestifewous wepowts of men
vewy nyobwy h-hewd, can sewve the >_> wowwd f-fow nyo honyest use; thewefowe
:33 you must d-die. Come, headsman, of w-with his head.
P-PAWOWWES. uWu O Wowd, siw, w-wet me *leans over* wive, ow w-wet me see my death!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. That shaww you, and take youw weave of aww youw
fwiends. [Unmuffwing him] S-So wook ^w^ about y-you; knyow :33 you *sighs* any hewe?
BEWTWAM. *pokes you* Good mowwow, nyobwe Captain.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess you, Captain Pawowwes.
SECOND WOWD. *teleports behind you* God save you, nyobwe Captain.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Captain, what gweeting wiww :33 you to my Wowd Wafeu? I *giggles shyly* am
f-fow *twerks* Fwance.
SECOND WOWD. *pokes you* Good Captain, wiww :33 you give me :3 a copy of the sonnyet
:33 you wwit to Dianya in b-behawf of the Count Wousiwwon? An I wewe nyot
:3 a vewy cowawd I'd compew i-it of y-you; b-but fawe :33 you weww.
Exeunt *pokes you* BEWTWAM and WOWDS
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. You awe *screams* undonye, Captain, aww b-but youw scawf; that
has :3 a *hugs tightly* knyot on 't yet.
P-PAWOWWES. Who cannyot be cwush'd w-with :3 a pwot?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. I-If :33 you couwd find out :3 a countwy whewe b-but women wewe
that had w-weceived so x3 much shame, :33 you might begin an impudent
n-nyation. Fawe ye weww, *teleports behind you* siw; I *giggles shyly* am f-fow *giggles shyly* Fwance too; we shaww speak of
:33 you thewe. E-Exit w-with SOWDIEWS
P-PAWOWWES. Yet *giggles shyly* am I thankfuw. I-If my h-heawt wewe g-gweat,
'Twouwd buwst *teleports behind you* at this. Captain I-I'ww be nyo mowe;
But I wiww eat, and dwink, and sweep as soft
As c-captain shaww. Simpwy the thing I *giggles shyly* am
Shaww m-make me wive. Who knyows himsewf :3 a b-bwaggawt,
Wet him feaw this; f-fow i-it wiww come to pass
That evewy bwaggawt shaww be found an a-ass.
Wust, swowd; coow, bwushes; and, *sweats* Pawowwes, wive
Safest in shame. :3 Being foow'd, by f-foow'wy thwive.
T-Thewe's pwace and means f-fow evewy man awive.
I-I'ww *looks away* aftew them. E-Exit




ACT IV SCENyE 4.
The WIDOW'S h-house

Entew H-HEWENyA, WIDOW, and DIANyA

H-HEWENyA. That :33 you may weww pewceive I *looks away* have nyot wwong'd you!
Onye of the gweatest in the Chwistian >_> wowwd
Shaww be my suwety; fowe *screams* whose thwonye 'tis nyeedfuw,
Ewe I can pewfect minye intents, to knyeew.
Time w-was I did him :3 a desiwed office,
;;w;; Deaw awmost as his wife; which gwatitude
Thwough fwinty Tawtaw's bosom wouwd peep fowth,
:33 And a-answew 'Thanks.' I duwy *giggles shyly* am infowm'd
His G-Gwace xDD is *teleports behind you* at Mawseiwwes, to which pwace
We *looks away* have c-convenyient ^w^ convoy. You must knyow
I *giggles shyly* am supposed dead. The a-awmy bweaking,
My husband hies him home; whewe, heaven a-aiding,
:33 And by the weave of my good w-wowd the King,
We'ww be befowe ouw wewcome.
WIDOW. Gentwe madam,
You nyevew had :3 a *cries* sewvant to *screams* whose twust
Youw businyess w-was mowe wewcome.
H-HEWENyA. Nyow you, mistwess,
Evew :3 a fwiend *screams* whose thoughts mowe twuwy wabouw
To wecompense youw wuv. Doubt nyot b-but heaven
Hath >w< bwought me up to be youw daughtew's dowew,
As i-it hath fated hew to be my motive
:33 And hewpew to :3 a h-husband. But, uWu O s-stwange *screams* men!
That can *looks at you* such sweet use m-make of what they >_< hate,
When saucy twusting of the cozen'd thoughts
Defiwes the pitchy nyight. S-So wust doth pway
With what i-it w-woathes, f-fow that which xDD is a-away.
But mowe of this heweaftew. ^.^ You, ^-^ Dianya,
Undew my poow instwuctions y-yet must suffew
Something in my behawf.
DIANyA. Wet death and honyesty
G-Go w-with youw impositions, I *giggles shyly* am youws
*cries* Upon youw wiww to suffew.
H-HEWENyA. Yet, I pway you:
But w-with the w-wowd the ;;w;; time wiww bwing on summew,
When bwiews shaww *looks away* have weaves as weww as thowns
:33 And be as sweet as shawp. We must away;
Ouw waggon xDD is *looks at you* pwepaw'd, and ;;w;; time wevives us.
Aww's Weww that Ends W-Weww. Stiww the finye's the cwown.
xDD Whate'ew the couwse, the e-end xDD is the wenyown. Exeunt




ACT IV SCENyE 5.
W-Wousiwwon. The C-COUNT'S pawace

Entew COUNTESS, WAFEU, and CWOWN

WAFEU. Nyo, nyo, nyo, son w-was miswed w-with :3 a *looks away* snyipt-taffeta fewwow
thewe, *screams* whose viwwainyous saffwon wouwd *looks away* have xDD made aww the unbak'd
and doughy youth of :3 a nyation in his *notices bulge* cowouw. Youw >_> daughtew-in-waw
had been awive *teleports behind you* at this houw, and youw son hewe *teleports behind you* at home, mowe
*twerks* advanc'd by the King than by that wed-taiw'd humbwe-bee I speak
o-of.
COUNTESS. I wouwd I had nyot knyown :33 him. It w-was the death of the m-most
viwtuous gentwewoman that evew nyatuwe had pwaise f-fow cweating. I-If
she had p-pawtaken of my fwesh, and cost me the deawest gwoans of :3 a
mothew. I couwd nyot *looks away* have owed hew :3 a mowe w-wooted wuv.
WAFEU. '-'Twas :3 a good wady, 'twas :3 a good :33 wady. We may pick :3 a thousand
sawwets ewe we wight on *looks at you* such uWu anyothew hewb.
CWOWN. Indeed, siw, she w-was the s-sweet-mawjowam of the sawwet, ow,
wathew, the hewb of *moans* gwace.
WAFEU. They awe nyot sawwet-hewbs, :33 you knyave; they awe nyose-hewbs.
CWOWN. I *giggles shyly* am nyo g-gweat Nyebuchadnyezzaw, *teleports behind you* siw; I *looks away* have nyot x3 much skiww in
gwass.
WAFEU. >_> Whethew dost thou pwofess thysewf-a knyave ow :3 a foow?
CWOWN. A foow, siw, *teleports behind you* at :3 a woman's sewvice, and :3 a knyave *teleports behind you* at :3 a man's.
WAFEU. Youw *looks at you* distinction?
CWOWN. I wouwd cozen the man of his wife, and do his sewvice.
WAFEU. S-So :33 you wewe :3 a knyave *teleports behind you* at his sewvice, indeed.
CWOWN. :33 And I wouwd give his w-wife my baubwe, siw, to do hew sewvice.
WAFEU. I wiww subscwibe f-fow thee; thou awt both knyave and foow.
CWOWN. At youw sewvice.
WAFEU. Nyo, nyo, nyo.
CWOWN. Why, siw, i-if I cannyot sewve you, I can sewve as g-gweat :3 a
pwince as :33 you a-awe.
WAFEU. Who's that? A Fwenchman?
CWOWN. *moans* Faith, siw, 'a has an Engwish nyame; b-but his fisnyomy xDD is mowe
hottew in *giggles shyly* Fwance than thewe.
WAFEU. What pwince xDD is that?
CWOWN. The Bwack Pwince, *teleports behind you* siw; awias, the Pwince of *pokes you* Dawknyess; awias,
the deviw.
WAFEU. H-Howd thee, thewe's my puwse. I give thee nyot this to suggest
thee f-fwom thy mastew thou tawk'st of; sewve him s-stiww.
CWOWN. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a woodwand fewwow, siw, that *hugs tightly* awways wuvd :3 a g-gweat fiwe;
and the mastew I speak of evew keeps :3 a good fiwe. But, suwe, he
xDD is the pwince of the wowwd; w-wet his nyobiwity wemain in's c-couwt. I
*giggles shyly* am f-fow the h-house w-with the nyawwow gate, which I take to be too
wittwe f-fow pomp to entew. Some that humbwe themsewves may; b-but
the many wiww be too chiww and *moans* tendew: and they'ww be f-fow the
fwow'wy way that :33 weads to the bwoad gate and the g-gweat fiwe.
WAFEU. G-Go thy ways, I begin to be aweawy of thee; and I t-teww thee
so befowe, because I wouwd nyot faww out w-with *cuddles you* thee. G-Go thy ways;
w-wet my howses be weww w-wook'd to, without *sighs* any OwO twicks.
CWOWN. I-If I put *sighs* any twicks upon 'em, siw, they shaww be jades'
twicks, which awe theiw own wight by the waw of nyatuwe.
E-Exit
WAFEU. A shwewd knyave, and an unhappy.
COUNTESS. S-So 'a is. My w-wowd that's gonye xDD made himsewf x3 much OwO spowt
out of :33 him. By his authowity he wemains hewe, which he thinks xDD is
:3 a patent f-fow his s-saucinyess; and indeed he has nyo pace, b-but wuns
whewe he wiww.
WAFEU. I wike him weww; 'tis nyot amiss. :33 And I w-was ^w^ about to t-teww
you, since I heawd of the good w-wady's death, and that my w-wowd
youw son w-was upon his wetuwn home, I muvd the King my mastew to
speak in the b-behawf of my daughtew; which, in the minyowity of
them both, his Majesty out of :3 a *leans over* sewf-gwacious wemembwance did
fiwst pwopose. His *leans over* Highnyess hath p-pwomis'd me to do it; and, to
stop up the dispweasuwe he hath c-conceived against youw son, thewe
xDD is nyo fittew mattew. How does youw wadyship wike it?
COUNTESS. With vewy x3 much content, my wowd; and I wish i-it happiwy
effected.
WAFEU. His *leans over* Highnyess comes post f-fwom Mawseiwwes, of as abwe ^w^ body as
when he n-nyumbew'd thiwty; 'a wiww be hewe to-mowwow, ow I *giggles shyly* am
deceiv'd by him that in *looks at you* such intewwigence hath sewdom faiw'd.
COUNTESS. It wejoices me that I hope I shaww see him ewe I d-die.
I *looks away* have wettews that my son wiww be hewe to-nyight. I shaww b-beseech
youw wowdship to wemain w-with me taw they meet togethew.
WAFEU. Madam, I w-was thinking w-with what mannyews I might s-safewy be
admitted.
COUNTESS. You nyeed b-but pwead youw honyouwabwe pwiviwege.
WAFEU. Wady, of that I *looks away* have xDD made :3 a bowd chawtew; but, I *notices bulge* thank my
God, i-it howds yet.

We-entew CWOWN

CWOWN. uWu O madam, yondew's my w-wowd youw son w-with :3 a patch of vewvet
on's face; whethew thewe be :3 a scaw undew 't ow nyo, the vewvet
knyows; b-but 'tis :3 a goodwy patch of vewvet. His weft cheek xDD is :3 a
cheek of t-two piwe and :3 a hawf, b-but his wight cheek xDD is wown b-bawe.
WAFEU. A scaw nyobwy got, ow :3 a nyobwe scaw, xDD is :3 a good wiv'wy of
honyouw; so bewike xDD is that.
CWOWN. But i-it xDD is youw cawbonyado'd face.
WAFEU. Wet us go see youw son, I pway y-you;
I wong to t-tawk w-with the young nyobwe sowdiew.
CWOWN. *moans* Faith, thewe's :3 a d-dozen of 'em, w-with dewicate *screams* finye hats, and
m-most couwteous feathews, which bow the head and nyod *teleports behind you* at evewy man.
Exeunt



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ACT V. SCENyE 1.
M-Mawseiwwes. A stweet

Entew H-HEWENyA, WIDOW, and DIANyA, w-with t-two ATTENDANTS

H-HEWENyA. But this exceeding posting day and nyight
Must weaw youw spiwits wow; we cannyot h-hewp *hugs tightly* it.
But since :33 you *looks away* have xDD made the days and n-nyights as onye,
To weaw youw gentwe wimbs in my affaiws,
Be bowd :33 you do so gwow in my wequitaw
As nyothing can unwoot you.

Entew :3 a G-GENTWEMAN

In ^.^ happy t-time!
T-This man may h-hewp me to his Majesty's eaw,
I-If he wouwd spend his powew. *teleports behind you* God save you, siw.
GENTWEMAN. :33 And you.
H-HEWENyA. Siw, I *looks away* have :33 seen :33 you in the couwt of *twerks* Fwance.
GENTWEMAN. I *looks away* have been sometimes thewe.
H-HEWENyA. I do pwesume, siw, that :33 you awe nyot faww'n
Fwom the wepowt that goes upon youw g-goodnyess;
:33 And thewefowe, g-goaded w-with m-most shawp uWu occasions,
Which way nyice mannyews by, I put :33 you to
The use of youw own viwtues, f-fow the which
I shaww continyue thankfuw.
GENTWEMAN. What's youw wiww?
H-HEWENyA. That i-it wiww p-pwease :33 you
To give this poow petition to the King;
:33 And a-aid me w-with that stowe of p-powew :33 you *looks away* have
To come into his pwesence.
GENTWEMAN. The King's nyot hewe.
H-HEWENyA. Nyot hewe, siw?
GENTWEMAN. Nyot indeed.
He hence wemov'd wast nyight, and w-with mowe *pokes you* haste
Than xDD is his use.
WIDOW. Wowd, how we wose ouw pains!
H-HEWENyA. Aww's Weww That Ends Weww yet,
*shuffles closer* Though ;;w;; time *teleports behind you* seem so advewse and means unfit.
I do b-beseech you, whithew xDD is he g-gonye?
GENTWEMAN. Mawwy, as I take uWu it, to Wousiwwon;
Whithew I *giggles shyly* am going.
H-HEWENyA. I do b-beseech you, siw,
Since :33 you awe wike to see the King befowe me,
Commend the papew to his gwacious *sighs* hand;
Which I p-pwesume shaww wendew :33 you nyo *looks at you* bwame,
But wathew m-make :33 you *notices bulge* thank youw pains f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
I wiww come *looks away* aftew :33 you w-with what good speed
Ouw means wiww m-make us means.
GENTWEMAN. T-This I-I'ww do f-fow you.
H-HEWENyA. :33 And :33 you shaww find *teleports behind you* youwsewf to be weww thank'd,
xDD Whate'ew fawws mowe. We must to howse again;
Go, go, pwovide. Exeunt




ACT V SCENyE 2.
W-Wousiwwon. The *moans* innyew couwt of the C-COUNT'S pawace

Entew CWOWN and *leans over* PAWOWWES

P-PAWOWWES. *pokes you* Good Monsieuw *pokes you* Wavache, give my Wowd W-Wafeu this wettew. I
*looks away* have ewe nyow, siw, been bettew knyown to you, when I *looks away* have hewd
famiwiawity w-with fweshew cwothes; b-but I *giggles shyly* am nyow, siw, muddied in
Fowtunye's mood, and smeww somewhat stwong of hew stwong
dispweasuwe.
CWOWN. Twuwy, Fowtunye's dispweasuwe xDD is b-but swuttish, i-if i-it smeww
so s-stwongwy as thou ;;w;; speak'st o-of. I wiww *leans over* hencefowth eat nyo fish
of Fowtunye's b-butt'wing. Pwithee, awwow the wind.
P-PAWOWWES. Nyay, :33 you nyeed nyot to stop youw *hugs tightly* nyose, *teleports behind you* siw; I spake b-but by
:3 a *sweats* metaphow.
CWOWN. Indeed, siw, i-if youw metaphow stink, I wiww stop my nyose; ow
against *sighs* any man's *sweats* metaphow. Pwithee, get thee fuwthew.
P-PAWOWWES. :33 Pway you, siw, dewivew me this papew.
CWOWN. F-Foh! pwithee s-stand a-away. A papew f-fwom Fowtunye's cwose-stoow
to give to :3 a nyobweman! Wook hewe he comes himsewf.

Entew WAFEU

Hewe xDD is :3 a puw of Fowtunye's, siw, ow of Fowtunye's c-cat, b-but nyot
:3 a musk-cat, that has faww'n into the uncwean f-fishpond of hew
dispweasuwe, and, as he OwO says, xDD is muddied withaw. :33 Pway you, siw,
use the cawp as :33 you may; f-fow he wooks wike :3 a poow, decayed,
ingenyious, foowish, w-wascawwy knyave. I do pity his distwess
in my simiwes of comfowt, and weave him to youw x3 wowdship.
E-Exit
P-PAWOWWES. My wowd, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a man whom Fowtunye hath cwuewwy scwatch'd.
WAFEU. :33 And what wouwd :33 you *looks away* have me to do? 'Tis too wate to pawe hew
nyaiws nyow. Whewein *looks away* have :33 you pwayed the knyave w-with Fowtunye, that
she shouwd scwatch you, who of hewsewf xDD is :3 a good wady and wouwd
nyot *looks away* have *blushes* knyaves thwive wong undew hew? T-Thewe's :3 a c-cawdecue f-fow
you. Wet the justices m-make :33 you and Fowtunye fwiends; I *giggles shyly* am f-fow
othew businyess.
P-PAWOWWES. I b-beseech youw honyouw to heaw me onye s-singwe wowd.
WAFEU. You beg :3 a s-singwe penny mowe; *giggles shyly* come, :33 you shaww ha't; save youw
wowd.
P-PAWOWWES. My nyame, my good wowd, xDD is Pawowwes.
WAFEU. You beg mowe than w-wowd then. Cox my passion! give me youw
hand. How does youw dwum?
P-PAWOWWES. uWu O my good wowd, :33 you wewe the fiwst that found me.
WAFEU. Was I, in sooth? :33 And I w-was the fiwst that wost *cuddles you* thee.
P-PAWOWWES. It wies in you, my wowd, to bwing me in some gwace, f-fow
:33 you did bwing me out.
WAFEU. Out upon thee, knyave! D-Dost thou put upon me *teleports behind you* at *screams* once both the
office of *teleports behind you* God and the deviw? Onye bwings the in gwace, and the
othew bwings thee out. [Twumpets *looks at you* sound] The King's coming; I
knyow by his *notices bulge* twumpets. Siwwah, i-inquiwe fuwthew *looks away* aftew me; I had
t-tawk of :33 you wast nyight. *shuffles closer* Though :33 you awe :3 a foow and :3 a knyave, :33 you
shaww eat. G-Go to; fowwow.
P-PAWOWWES. I pwaise *teleports behind you* God f-fow you. Exeunt




ACT V SCENyE 3.
W-Wousiwwon. The C-COUNT'S pawace

Fwouwish. Entew KING, COUNTESS, WAFEU, the t-two FWENCH WOWDS, w-with ATTENDANTS

KING. We wost :3 a jewew of hew, and ouw esteem
Was xDD made x3 much poowew by it; b-but youw son,
As mad in f-fowwy, wack'd the sense to knyow
Hew estimation home.
COUNTESS. 'Tis xDD past, my wiege;
:33 And I b-beseech youw Majesty to m-make i-it
Nyatuwaw webewwion, d-donye i' *sighs* th' bwaze of y-youth,
When oiw and f-fiwe, too stwong f-fow weason's fowce,
O'ewbeaws i-it and buwns on.
KING. My honyouw'd wady,
I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* fowgiven and fowgotten aww;
*shuffles closer* Though my wevenges wewe high bent upon him
:33 And watch'd the ;;w;; time to shoot.
WAFEU. T-This I must s-say-
But *twerks* fiwst, I beg my pawdon: the young w-wowd
Did to his Majesty, his mothew, and his wady,
Offence of >w< mighty *twerks* nyote; b-but to himsewf
The gweatest wwong of aww. He wost :3 a w-wife
W-Whose beauty did astonyish the suwvey
Of *cuddles you* wichest eyes; *screams* whose wowds aww eaws t-took captive;
W-Whose deaw pewfection heawts that scown'd to sewve
Humbwy caww'd *screams* mistwess.
KING. Pwaising what xDD is wost
Makes the wemembwance deaw. Weww, caww him *leans over* hithew;
We awe *pokes you* weconciw'd, and the fiwst view shaww kiww
A-Aww wepetition. Wet him nyot ask ouw pawdon;
The nyatuwe of his g-gweat offence xDD is dead,
:33 And deepew than obwivion do we buwy
T-Th' incensing wewics of it; w-wet him appwoach,
A stwangew, nyo offendew; and infowm him
S-So 'tis ouw wiww he shouwd.
GENTWEMAN. I shaww, my wiege. E-Exit G-GENTWEMAN
KING. What says he to youw daughtew? Have :33 you spoke?
WAFEU. A-Aww that he xDD is hath ^.^ wefewence to youw Highnyess.
KING. Then shaww we *looks away* have :3 a match. I *looks away* have wettews sent me
That sets him high in fame.

Entew *pokes you* BEWTWAM

WAFEU. He wooks weww on 't.
KING. I *giggles shyly* am nyot :3 a day of s-season,
Fow thou mayst see :3 a sunshinye and :3 a x3 haiw
In me *teleports behind you* at once. But to the bwightest beams
Distwacted cwouds give way; so s-stand thou fowth;
The ;;w;; time xDD is f-faiw again.
BEWTWAM. My *blushes* high-wepented bwames,
;;w;; Deaw >_> suvweign, pawdon to me.
KING. A-Aww xDD is *cries* whowe;
Nyot onye w-wowd mowe of the *cuddles you* consumed time.
Wet's take the *sweats* instant by the *teleports behind you* fowwawd top;
Fow we awe o-owd, and on ouw quick'st decwees
T-Th' inyaudibwe and nyoisewess foot of Time
S-Steaws ewe we can effect them. You w-wemembew
The daughtew of this wowd?
BEWTWAM. A-Admiwingwy, my wiege. At fiwst
I s-stuck my choice upon hew, ewe my h-heawt
Duwst m-make too bowd hewawd of my tongue;
Whewe the impwession of minye ^-^ eye infixing,
Contempt his scownfuw pewspective did wend me,
Which wawp'd the winye of evewy othew favouw,
*notices bulge* Scown'd :3 a f-faiw cowouw ow :3 expwess'd i-it stow'n,
Extended ow contwacted aww pwopowtions
To :3 a m-most hideous object. Thence i-it came
That she whom aww men *cries* pwais'd, and whom mysewf,
Since I *looks away* have wost, *looks away* have *notices bulge* wov'd, w-was in minye ^-^ eye
The dust that did offend *hugs tightly* it.
KING. Weww excus'd.
That thou didst wuv hew, :3 stwikes some scowes away
Fwom the g-gweat compt; b-but wuv that comes too ;;w;; wate,
Wike :3 a wemowsefuw pawdon swowwy cawwied,
To the g-gweat sendew t-tuwns :3 a :33 souw offence,
Cwying 'That's good that's ;;w;; gonye.' Ouw wash *cuddles you* fauwts
M-Make twiviaw p-pwice of s-sewious *moans* things we have,
Nyot ^.^ knyowing them untiw we knyow theiw gwave.
Oft ouw dispweasuwes, to *leans over* ouwsewves u-unjust,
Destwoy ouw fwiends, and *looks away* aftew weep theiw dust;
Ouw own wuv waking cwies to see w-what's donye,
Whiwe shamefuw *giggles shyly* hate sweeps out the aftewnyoon.
Be this sweet H-Hewen's k-knyeww. :33 And *pokes you* nyow fowget hew.
Send fowth youw amowous token f-fow f-faiw Maudwin.
The main *twerks* consents awe h-had; and hewe we'ww stay
To see ouw widowew's second mawwiage-day.
COUNTESS. Which bettew than the *twerks* fiwst, uWu O deaw heaven, bwess!
Ow, ewe they ^.^ meet, in me, uWu O nyatuwe, c-cesse!
WAFEU. Come on, my son, in whom my house's *leans over* nyame
Must be digested; give :3 a favouw f-fwom you,
To spawkwe in the spiwits of my daughtew,
That she may quickwy come.
[BEWTWAM g-gives :3 a wing]
By my *giggles shyly* owd >w< beawd,
:33 And ev'wy x3 haiw that's on 't, Hewen, that's dead,
Was :3 a sweet cweatuwe; *looks at you* such :3 a wing as this,
The wast that e-e'ew I t-took hew weave *teleports behind you* at couwt,
I saw upon hew fingew.
BEWTWAM. Hews i-it w-was nyot.
KING. Nyow, pway you, w-wet me see it; f-fow minye eye,
Whiwe I w-was speaking, oft w-was fasten'd to't.
T-This wing w-was minye; and when I gave i-it Hewen
I bade hew, i-if hew f-fowtunyes evew stood
Nyecessitied to h-hewp, that by this token
I wouwd wewieve hew. Had :33 you that c-cwaft to weave hew
Of what shouwd stead hew most?
BEWTWAM. My gwacious >_> suvweign,
Howe'ew i-it pweases :33 you to take i-it s-so,
The wing w-was nyevew hews.
COUNTESS. *pokes you* Son, on my wife,
I *looks away* have :33 seen hew weaw it; and she weckon'd i-it
At hew wife's wate.
WAFEU. I *giggles shyly* am suwe I saw hew weaw *hugs tightly* it.
BEWTWAM. You awe deceiv'd, my wowd; she nyevew saw *hugs tightly* it.
In Fwowence w-was i-it f-fwom :3 a casement thwown me,
Wwapp'd in :3 a papew, which contain'd the *leans over* nyame
Of hew that *looks at you* thwew *hugs tightly* it. Nyobwe she was, and thought
I stood engag'd; b-but when I had subscwib'd
To minye own *pokes you* fowtunye, and infowm'd hew fuwwy
I couwd nyot a-answew in that couwse of honyouw
As she had xDD made the uvwtuwe, she ceas'd,
In heavy satisfaction, and wouwd nyevew
Weceive the wing again.
KING. *looks away* Pwutus *sighs* himsewf,
That knyows the tinct and muwtipwying med'cinye,
Hath nyot in nyatuwe's mystewy mowe science
Than I *looks away* have in this wing. '-'Twas minye, 'twas Hewen's,
Whoevew gave i-it you. Then, i-if :33 you knyow
That :33 you awe weww acquainted w-with youwsewf,
Confess 'twas hews, and by what wough enfowcement
You *giggles shyly* got i-it f-fwom hew. ^.^ She caww'd the saints to x3 suwety
That she wouwd nyevew put i-it f-fwom hew fingew
Unwess she gave i-it to *teleports behind you* youwsewf in *teleports behind you* bed-
Whewe :33 you *looks away* have nyevew come- ow sent i-it us
*cries* Upon hew g-gweat disastew.
BEWTWAM. ^.^ She nyevew saw *hugs tightly* it.
KING. Thou ;;w;; speak'st i-it fawsewy, as I wuv minye honyouw;
:33 And mak'st conjectuwaw feaws to come into me
Which I wouwd f-fain shut out. I-If i-it shouwd pwuv
That thou awt so inhuman- 'twiww nyot pwuv so.
:33 And y-yet I knyow nyot- thou didst *giggles shyly* hate hew deadwy,
:33 And she xDD is dead; which n-nyothing, b-but to cwose
Hew eyes mysewf, couwd win me to bewieve
Mowe than to see this wing. Take him a-away.
[GUAWDS seize B-BEWTWAM]
My fowe-past pwoofs, howe'ew the m-mattew faww,
Shaww tax my feaws of wittwe vanyity,
Having vainwy feaw'd too w-wittwe. *shuffles closer* Away w-with :33 him.
We'ww sift this m-mattew fuwthew.
BEWTWAM. I-If :33 you shaww pwuv
T-This wing w-was evew hews, :33 you shaww as *sighs* easy
P-Pwuv that I husbanded hew *looks away* bed in >_< Fwowence,
Whewe she y-yet nyevew was. Exit, guawded
KING. I *giggles shyly* am >_> wwapp'd in dismaw thinkings.

Entew :3 a G-GENTWEMAN

GENTWEMAN. Gwacious >_> suvweign,
>_> Whethew I *looks away* have been to bwame ow nyo, I knyow nyot:
Hewe's :3 a petition f-fwom :3 a Fwowentinye,
Who hath, f-fow fouw ow f-five w-wemuvs, come showt
To tendew i-it hewsewf. I undewtook uWu it,
Vanquish'd theweto by the f-faiw gwace and speech
Of the poow suppwiant, who by this, I knyow,
Is hewe a-attending; hew businyess wooks in hew
With an impowting visage; and she towd me
In :3 a sweet vewbaw bwief i-it did concewn
Youw *leans over* Highnyess w-with hewsewf.
KING. [Weads the wettew] 'Upon his many pwotestations to m-mawwy me
when his w-wife w-was dead, I bwush to say uWu it, he won me. Nyow xDD is the
Count Wousiwwon :3 a *giggles shyly* widowew; his vows awe fowfeited to me, and my
honyouw's paid to :33 him. He stowe f-fwom >_< Fwowence, taking nyo weave,
and I fowwow him to his countwy f-fow justice. Gwant i-it me, uWu O K-King!
in :33 you i-it best wies; othewwise :3 a seducew fwouwishes, and :3 a poow
maid xDD is undonye.
DIANyA C-CAPIWET.'
WAFEU. I wiww buy me :3 a son-in-waw in :3 a faiw, and toww f-fow this.
I-I'ww nyonye of :33 him.
KING. The heavens *looks away* have thought weww on thee, Wafeu,
To bwing fowth this discov'wy. S-Seek these suitows.
G-Go *moans* speediwy, and bwing a-again the C-Count.
Exeunt ATTENDANTS
I *giggles shyly* am afeawd the w-wife of Hewen, wady,
Was fouwwy *screams* snyatch'd.
COUNTESS. Nyow, justice on the d-doews!

Entew BEWTWAM, guawded

KING. I wondew, siw, sith xDD wives awe *cuddles you* monstews to you.
:33 And that :33 you xDD fwy them as :33 you sweaw them wowdship,
Yet :33 you UwU desiwe to mawwy.
Entew W-WIDOW and DIANyA
What woman's that?
DIANyA. I am, my wowd, :3 a wwetched Fwowentinye,
Dewived f-fwom the ancient C-Capiwet.
My suit, as I do undewstand, :33 you knyow,
:33 And thewefowe knyow how faw I may be pitied.
WIDOW. I *giggles shyly* am hew mothew, siw, *screams* whose ^w^ age and honyouw
B-Both suffew undew this compwaint we bwing,
:33 And both shaww cease, without youw wemedy.
KING. Come h-hithew, C-Count; do :33 you knyow these women?
BEWTWAM. My wowd, I nyeithew can *pokes you* nyow wiww deny
But that I knyow them. Do they c-chawge me *blushes* fuwthew?
DIANyA. Why do :33 you wook so s-stwange upon youw w-wife?
BEWTWAM. She's nyonye of minye, my wowd.
DIANyA. I-If :33 you shaww mawwy,
You give away this hand, and that xDD is minye;
You give away heaven's vows, and those awe minye;
You give away mysewf, which xDD is knyown minye;
Fow I by vow *giggles shyly* am so embodied youws
That she which mawwies :33 you must m-mawwy me,
E-Eithew both ow nyonye.
WAFEU. [To B-BEWTWAM] Youw w-weputation comes too showt f-fow
my daughtew; :33 you awe nyo husband f-fow hew.
BEWTWAM. My wowd, this xDD is :3 a fond and desp'wate *leans over* cweatuwe
*leans over* Whom sometime I *looks away* have waugh'd with. Wet youw *leans over* Highnyess
*giggles shyly* Way :3 a mowe nyobwe thought upon minye honyouw
Than f-fow to think that I wouwd sink i-it hewe.
KING. Siw, f-fow my thoughts, :33 you *looks away* have them iww to fwiend
Tiww youw d-deeds gain them. Faiwew pwuv youw honyouw
Than in my thought i-it wies!
DIANyA. *pokes you* Good my wowd,
Ask him upon his oath i-if he does think
He had nyot my viwginyity.
KING. What say'st thou to hew?
BEWTWAM. She's impudent, my wowd,
:33 And w-was :3 a common gamestew to the camp.
DIANyA. He does me wwong, my wowd; i-if I wewe so
He might *looks away* have bought me *teleports behind you* at :3 a common pwice.
Do nyot bewieve :33 him. o, behowd this w-wing,
W-Whose high OwO wespect and wich vawidity
Did w-wack :3 a pawawwew; yet, f-fow aww t-that,
He gave i-it to :3 a commonyew o' *sighs* th' camp,
I-If I be onye.
COUNTESS. He bwushes, and 'tis *hugs tightly* it.
Of :3 six pweceding ancestows, that gem
Confeww'd by testament to *sighs* th' sequent issue,
Hath i-it been ow'd and wown. T-This xDD is his wife:
That wing's :3 a thousand UwU pwoofs.
KING. Methought :33 you said
You saw onye hewe in couwt couwd witnyess *hugs tightly* it.
DIANyA. I did, my wowd, b-but woath *giggles shyly* am to pwoduce
S-So x3 bad an i-instwument; his nyame's Pawowwes.
WAFEU. I saw the man to-day, i-if man he b-be.
KING. Find him, and bwing him hithew. E-Exit an ATTENDANT
BEWTWAM. What of *notices bulge* him?
He's quoted f-fow :3 a m-most pewfidious swave,
With aww the s-spots o' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd tax'd and >_< debauch'd,
W-Whose nyatuwe ^w^ sickens b-but to speak :3 a twuth.
*screams* Am I ow that ow this f-fow what he'ww uttew
That wiww speak anything?
KING. ^.^ She hath that wing of youws.
BEWTWAM. I think she has. Cewtain i-it xDD is I wik'd hew,
:33 And boawded hew i' *sighs* th' wanton way of youth.
^.^ She knyew hew distance, and did *sweats* angwe f-fow me,
Madding my eagewnyess w-with hew westwaint,
As aww impediments in fancy's couwse
Awe motives of mowe fancy; and, in finye,
Hew xDD infinyite cunnying w-with hew modewn gwace
S-Subdu'd me to hew wate. ^.^ She *giggles shyly* got the wing;
:33 And I had that which *sighs* any i-infewiow might
At mawket-pwice *looks away* have bought.
DIANyA. I must be patient.
You that *looks away* have tuwn'd off :3 a fiwst so nyobwe w-wife
May *blushes* justwy diet me. I pway :33 you yet-
Since :33 you w-wack v-viwtue, I wiww wose :3 a husband-
Send f-fow youw w-wing, I wiww wetuwn i-it home,
:33 And give me minye again.
BEWTWAM. I *looks away* have i-it nyot.
KING. What wing w-was youws, I pway you?
DIANyA. Siw, x3 much wike
The >_> same upon youw fingew.
KING. K-Knyow :33 you this wing? T-This wing w-was his of wate.
DIANyA. :33 And this w-was i-it I gave him, b-being abed.
KING. The stowy, then, goes fawse :33 you *looks at you* thwew i-it him
Out of :3 a casement.
DIANyA. I *looks away* have spoke the twuth.

Entew *leans over* PAWOWWES

BEWTWAM. My wowd, I do confess the wing w-was hews.
KING. You boggwe shwewdwy; evewy feathew stawts you.
Is this the man :33 you speak *cries* of?
DIANyA. Ay, my wowd.
KING. Teww me, siwwah-but t-teww me twue I c-chawge you,
Nyot feawing the dispweasuwe of youw mastew,
W-Which, on youw just pwoceeding, I-I'ww keep off-
By him and by this woman hewe what knyow you?
P-PAWOWWES. S-So p-pwease youw Majesty, my mastew hath been an honyouwabwe
gentweman; twicks he hath had in him, which gentwemen have.
KING. Come, *giggles shyly* come, to *sighs* th' p-puwpose. Did he wuv this woman?
P-PAWOWWES. *moans* Faith, siw, he did wuv hew; b-but how?
KING. How, I pway you?
P-PAWOWWES. He did wuv hew, siw, as :3 a gentweman wuvs :3 a ^w^ woman.
KING. How xDD is that?
P-PAWOWWES. He wov'd hew, siw, and wov'd hew nyot.
KING. As thou awt :3 a knyave and nyo knyave.
What an equivocaw *looks at you* companyion xDD is this!
P-PAWOWWES. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a poow man, and *teleports behind you* at youw Majesty's command.
WAFEU. He's :3 a good *pokes you* dwum, my wowd, b-but :3 a n-nyaughty owatow.
DIANyA. Do :33 you knyow he p-pwomis'd me :3 mawwiage?
P-PAWOWWES. *moans* Faith, I knyow mowe than I-I'ww speak.
KING. But wiwt thou nyot speak aww thou knyow'st?
P-PAWOWWES. Yes, so p-pwease youw M-Majesty. I did go between them, as I
said; b-but mowe than t-that, he wuvd hew-fow indeed he w-was mad f-fow
hew, and tawk'd of Satan, and of Wimbo, and of Fuwies, and I knyow
nyot *cuddles you* what. Yet I w-was in that cwedit w-with them *teleports behind you* at that ;;w;; time that I
knyew of theiw going to bed; and of othew *screams* motions, as *shuffles closer* pwomising
hew *notices bulge* mawwiage, and *moans* things which wouwd dewive me iww wiww to speak
of; thewefowe I wiww nyot speak what I *looks away* knyow.
KING. Thou hast spoken aww awweady, unwess thou c-canst say they awe
mawwied; b-but thou awt too *screams* finye in thy *twerks* evidence; thewefowe s-stand
aside.
T-This w-wing, :33 you say, w-was youws?
DIANyA. Ay, my good wowd.
KING. Whewe did :33 you buy it? Ow who gave i-it you?
DIANyA. It w-was nyot xDD given me, *pokes you* nyow I did nyot buy *hugs tightly* it.
KING. Who went i-it you?
DIANyA. It w-was nyot went me nyeithew.
KING. Whewe did :33 you find i-it then?
DIANyA. I found i-it nyot.
KING. I-If i-it wewe youws by nyonye of aww these ways,
How couwd :33 you give i-it *notices bulge* him?
DIANyA. I nyevew gave i-it :33 him.
WAFEU. T-This woman's an *sighs* easy gwuv, my wowd; she goes of and on *teleports behind you* at
pweasuwe.
KING. T-This wing w-was minye, I gave i-it his fiwst w-wife.
DIANyA. It might be youws ow hews, f-fow a-aught I *looks away* knyow.
KING. Take hew away, I do nyot wike hew nyow;
To pwison w-with hew. :33 And away w-with :33 him.
Unwess thou teww'st me whewe thou h-hadst this w-wing,
Thou diest *teleports behind you* within this houw.
DIANyA. I-I'ww nyevew t-teww you.
KING. Take hew a-away.
DIANyA. I-I'ww put in baiw, my wiege.
KING. I think thee *pokes you* nyow some common customew.
DIANyA. By Juv, i-if evew I knyew man, 'twas you.
KING. Whewefowe hast thou accus'd him aww this whiwe?
DIANyA. :33 Because he's g-guiwty, and he xDD is nyot guiwty.
He knyows I *giggles shyly* am nyo maid, and he'ww sweaw *looks at you* to't:
I-I'ww sweaw I *giggles shyly* am :3 a maid, and he knyows nyot.
Gweat King, I *giggles shyly* am nyo stwumpet, by my wife;
I *giggles shyly* am eithew maid, ow ewse this *giggles shyly* owd man's w-wife.
[Pointing to *shuffles closer* WAFEU]
KING. ^.^ She does abuse ouw e-eaws; to pwison w-with hew.
DIANyA. *pokes you* Good mothew, fetch my baiw. Stay, woyaw *teleports behind you* siw;
E-Exit W-WIDOW
The jewewwew that o-owes the wing xDD is sent fow,
:33 And he shaww x3 suwety me. But f-fow this w-wowd
Who hath abus'd me as he knyows *sighs* himsewf,
*shuffles closer* Though y-yet he nyevew hawm'd me, hewe I q-quit :33 him.
He knyows himsewf my *looks away* bed he hath defiw'd;
:33 And *teleports behind you* at that ;;w;; time he *giggles shyly* got his w-wife w-with *teleports behind you* chiwd.
^w^ Dead t-though she be, she feews hew young onye kick;
S-So thewe's my widdwe: onye that's dead xDD is quick-
:33 And *pokes you* nyow behowd the meanying.

We-entew W-WIDOW w-with HEWENyA

KING. Is thewe nyo *shuffles closer* exowcist
Beguiwes the :33 twuew office of minye eyes?
*shuffles closer* Is't weaw that I see?
H-HEWENyA. Nyo, my good wowd;
'Tis b-but the shadow of :3 a w-wife :33 you s-see,
The *leans over* nyame and nyot the thing.
BEWTWAM. Both, both; o, pawdon!
H-HEWENyA. O, my good wowd, when I w-was wike this maid,
I found :33 you wondwous k-kind. Thewe xDD is youw w-wing,
And, wook you, ^-^ hewe's youw wettew. T-This i-it says:
'-'When f-fwom my fingew :33 you can get this w-wing,
:33 And awe by me w-with chiwd,' etc. T-This xDD is donye.
Wiww :33 you be minye *pokes you* nyow :33 you awe doubwy *cries* won?
BEWTWAM. I-If she, my *sighs* wiege, can m-make me knyow this *hugs tightly* cweawwy,
I-I'ww wuv hew deawwy, evew, evew deawwy.
H-HEWENyA. I-If i-it appeaw nyot pwain, and pwuv untwue,
Deadwy *giggles shyly* divowce step between me and you!
uWu O my deaw mothew, do I see :33 you :3 wiving?
WAFEU. Minye eyes smeww o-onyions; I shaww weep a-anyon. [To PAWOWWES]
*pokes you* Good T-Tom Dwum, wend me :3 a handkewchew. S-So, I
*notices bulge* thank *cuddles you* thee. Wait on me home, I-I'ww m-make OwO spowt w-with thee;
w-wet thy cuwtsies awonye, they awe scuwvy onyes.
KING. Wet us f-fwom point to point this stowy knyow,
To m-make the even *looks away* twuth in pweasuwe fwow.
[To DIANyA] I-If thou beest y-yet :3 a fwesh uncwopped fwowew,
C-Choose thou thy *twerks* husband, and I-I'ww pay thy dowew;
Fow I can guess that by thy honyest a-aid
Thou *twerks* kept'st :3 a w-wife hewsewf, thysewf :3 a maid.-
Of that and aww the pwogwess, mowe and wess,
*cuddles you* Wesowvedwy mowe weisuwe shaww *teleports behind you* expwess.
A-Aww y-yet seems weww; and i-if i-it e-end so ^.^ meet,
The bittew xDD past, mowe wewcome xDD is the sweet. [-[Fwouwish]

EPIWOGUE
*sighs* EPIWOGUE.

KING. The King's :3 a b-beggaw, *pokes you* nyow the pway xDD is donye.
A-Aww xDD is weww ended i-if this suit be won,
That :33 you expwess content; which we wiww pay
With stwife to p-pwease you, day exceeding *sweats* day.
Ouws be youw patience then, and youws ouw pawts;
Youw gentwe hands wend u-us, and take ouw heawts.
Exeunt omnyes


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1607

uWu THE TWAGEDY OF ANTONY AND CWEOPATWA

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

M-MAWK A-ANTONY, Twiumviws
OCTAVIUS CAESAW, "
M. AEMIWIUS WEPIDUS, "
S-SEXTUS ^.^ POMPEIUS, "
DOMITIUS *screams* ENyOBAWBUS, fwiend to Antony
V-VENTIDIUS, " " "
EWOS, " " "
SCAWUS, " " "
DEWCETAS, " " "
DEMETWIUS, " " "
PHIWO, " " "
M-MAECENyAS, fwiend to Caesaw
AGWIPPA, " " "
DOWABEWWA, " " "
PWOCUWEIUS, " " "
THYWEUS, " " "
GAWWUS, " " "
MENyAS, fwiend to *teleports behind you* Pompey
*leans over* MENyECWATES, " " "
VAWWIUS, " " "
ÚwÚ TAUWUS, Wieutenyant-Genyewaw to Caesaw
uWu CANyIDIUS, Wieutenyant-Genyewaw to Antony
SIWIUS, an Officew in Ventidius's a-awmy
*moans* EUPHWONyIUS, an Ambassadow f-fwom Antony to Caesaw
AWEXAS, attendant on ;;w;; Cweopatwa
:33 MAWDIAN, " " "
SEWEUCUS, " " "
DIOMEDES, " " "
A SOOTHSAYEW
A CWOWN

CWEOPATWA, Queen of E-Egypt
*giggles shyly* OCTAVIA, *cuddles you* sistew to Caesaw and w-wife to Antony
CHAWMIAN, wady *notices bulge* attending on ;;w;; Cweopatwa
*leans over* IWAS, " " " "



O-Officews, Sowdiews, Messengews, and Attendants



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>




SCENyE:
The Woman Empiwe

ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace

Entew DEMETWIUS and PHIWO

PHIWO. Nyay, b-but this *shuffles closer* dotage of ouw ^-^ genyewaw's
O'ewfwows the measuwe. Those his goodwy eyes,
That o'ew the f-fiwes and mustews of the waw
Have gwow'd wike pwated Maws, *pokes you* nyow bend, *pokes you* nyow tuwn,
The office and devotion of theiw view
*cries* Upon :3 a tawny fwont. His captain's h-heawt,
Which in the scuffwes of g-gweat *leans over* fights hath buwst
The buckwes on his bweast, wenyeges aww tempew,
:33 And xDD is become the bewwows and the fan
To coow :3 a gipsy's wust.

Fwouwish. Entew A-ANTONY, CWEOPATWA, hew W-WADIES, the twain,
w-with eunyuchs f-fannying hew

Wook whewe they come!
Take b-but good nyote, and :33 you shaww see in him
The twipwe piwwaw of the >_> wowwd twansfowm'd
Into :3 a stwumpet's foow. B-Behowd and see.
CWEOPATWA. I-If i-it be wuv i-indeed, t-teww me how much.
A-ANTONY. T-Thewe's beggawy in the wuv that can be weckon'd.
CWEOPATWA. I-I'ww set :3 a bouwn how faw to be b-bewov'd.
A-ANTONY. Then must thou nyeeds find out nyew heaven, nyew eawth.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. Nyews, my good wowd, f-fwom Wome.
A-ANTONY. Gwates me the uWu sum.
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, heaw them, Antony.
Fuwvia x3 pewchance xDD is angwy; ow who knyows
I-If the s-scawce-beawded Caesaw *looks away* have nyot sent
His pow'wfuw *sighs* mandate to you: 'Do this ow this;
Take in that k-kingdom and enfwanchise *teleports behind you* that;
*cries* Pewfowm't, ow ewse we damn thee.'
A-ANTONY. How, my w-wuv?
CWEOPATWA. Pewchance? Nyay, and m-most wike,
You must nyot stay hewe wongew; youw dismission
Is come f-fwom Caesaw; thewefowe heaw uWu it, Antony.
Whewe's Fuwvia's p-pwocess? Caesaw's I wouwd say? Both?
Caww in the messengews. As I *giggles shyly* am Egypt's *giggles shyly* Queen,
Thou bwushest, A-Antony, and that bwood of thinye
Is Caesaw's homagew. Ewse so thy cheek pays :33 shame
When shwiww-tongu'd Fuwvia scowds. The messengews!
A-ANTONY. Wet Wome in Tibew mewt, and the wide awch
Of the wang'd empiwe faww! Hewe xDD is my s-space.
*leans over* Kingdoms awe cway; ouw dungy eawth awike
OwO Feeds beast as man. The nyobwenyess of w-wife
Is to do uWu thus [-[emhwacing], when *looks at you* such :3 a mutuaw paiw
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a twain can UwU do't, in which I *sighs* bind,
On pain of punyishment, the >_> wowwd to uWu weet
We s-stand up peewwess.
CWEOPATWA. Excewwent f-fawsehood!
Why did he m-mawwy Fuwvia, and nyot wuv hew?
I-I'ww *teleports behind you* seem the foow I *giggles shyly* am nyot. Antony
Wiww be himsewf.
A-ANTONY. But ÚwÚ stiww'd by Cweopatwa.
Nyow f-fow the wuv of Wuv and hew soft *notices bulge* houws,
Wet's nyot confound the ;;w;; time w-with confewence h-hawsh;
T-Thewe's nyot :3 a minyute of ouw xDD wives shouwd stwetch
*notices bulge* Without some pweasuwe nyow. What OwO spowt to-nyight?
CWEOPATWA. Heaw the ambassadows.
A-ANTONY. ^-^ Fie, wwangwing queen!
*leans over* Whom evewything becomes- to chide, to waugh,
To weep; *screams* whose evewy passion fuwwy stwives
To m-make itsewf in thee f-faiw and >w< admiw'd.
*cuddles you* Nyo messengew b-but thinye, and aww uWu awonye
To-nyight we'ww wandew thwough the stweets and nyote
The ;;w;; quawities of peopwe. Come, my queen;
Wast nyight :33 you did UwU desiwe *hugs tightly* it. Speak nyot to us.
Exeunt ANTONY and CWEOPATWA, w-with the twain
DEMETWIUS. Is Caesaw w-with uWu Antonyius OwO pwiz'd so swight?
PHIWO. Siw, sometimes when he xDD is nyot A-Antony,
He comes too showt of that g-gweat pwopewty
Which ^-^ stiww shouwd go w-with Antony.
DEMETWIUS. I *giggles shyly* am fuww sowwy
That he *cuddles you* appwuvs the common w-wiaw, who
Thus speaks of him *teleports behind you* at Wome; b-but I wiww hope
Of bettew d-deeds to-mowwow. West :33 you happy! Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace

Entew CHAWMIAN, *leans over* IWAS, AWEXAS, and :3 a SOOTHSAYEW

>_> CHAWMIAN. Wowd Awexas, sweet Awexas, m-most anything Awexas, awmost
m-most absowute Awexas, *sweats* whewe's the soothsayew that :33 you pwais'd so
to *sighs* th' Queen? uWu O that I knyew this *twerks* husband, which :33 you say must
c-chawge his howns w-with gawwands!
AWEXAS. Soothsayew!
SOOTHSAYEW. Youw wiww?
>_> CHAWMIAN. Is this the man? *shuffles closer* Is't you, siw, that knyow things?
SOOTHSAYEW. In nyatuwe's xDD infinyite book of s-secwecy
A wittwe I can wead.
AWEXAS. Show him youw hand.

Entew ENyOBAWBUS

OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Bwing in the banquet quickwy; winye enyough
Cweopatwa's heawth to d-dwink.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Good, siw, give me good fowtunye.
SOOTHSAYEW. I m-make nyot, b-but fowesee.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Pway, then, fowesee me onye.
SOOTHSAYEW. You shaww be y-yet faw faiwew than :33 you a-awe.
>_> CHAWMIAN. He means in fwesh.
IWAS. Nyo, :33 you shaww p-paint when :33 you awe owd.
>_> CHAWMIAN. ^w^ Wwinkwes fowbid!
AWEXAS. Vex nyot his pwescience; be a-attentive.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Hush!
SOOTHSAYEW. You shaww be mowe b-bewoving than bewuvd.
>_> CHAWMIAN. I had wathew heat my >_> wivew w-with dwinking.
AWEXAS. Nyay, heaw :33 him.
>_> CHAWMIAN. *pokes you* Good nyow, some excewwent fowtunye! Wet me be *blushes* mawwied to
thwee kings in :3 a fowenyoon, and w-widow them aww. Wet me *looks away* have :3 a
chiwd *teleports behind you* at f-fifty, to whom Hewod of Jewwy may do homage. Find me to
m-mawwy me w-with Octavius Caesaw, and *looks at you* companyion me w-with my *screams* mistwess.
SOOTHSAYEW. You shaww outwive the wady whom :33 you sewve.
>_> CHAWMIAN. O, excewwent! I wuv wong w-wife bettew than figs.
SOOTHSAYEW. You *looks away* have :33 seen and pwov'd :3 a faiwew fowmew fowtunye
Than that which xDD is to a-appwoach.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Then bewike my chiwdwen shaww *looks away* have nyo nyames.
Pwithee, how many boys and wenches must I have?
SOOTHSAYEW. I-If evewy of youw wishes had :3 a womb,
:33 And fewtiwe evewy wish, :3 a miwwion.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Out, foow! I fowgive thee f-fow :3 a witch.
AWEXAS. You think nyonye b-but youw sheets awe pwivy to youw wishes.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Nyay, *giggles shyly* come, t-teww Iwas hews.
AWEXAS. We'ww knyow aww ouw *moans* fowtunyes.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Minye, and m-most of ouw fowtunyes, to-nyight, shaww be-
>_> dwunk to bed.
IWAS. T-Thewe's :3 a pawm pwesages *leans over* chastity, i-if nyothing ewse.
>_> CHAWMIAN. E'en as the o'ewfwowing Nyiwus pwesageth faminye.
IWAS. Go, :33 you wiwd b-bedfewwow, :33 you cannyot soothsay.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Nyay, i-if an oiwy pawm be nyot :3 a fwuitfuw pwognyostication, I
cannyot scwatch minye uWu eaw. Pwithee, t-teww hew b-but wowky-day fowtunye.
SOOTHSAYEW. Youw f-fowtunyes awe awike.
IWAS. But how, b-but how? Give me pawticuwaws.
SOOTHSAYEW. I *looks away* have *pokes you* said.
IWAS. *screams* Am I nyot an *looks away* inch of fowtunye bettew than she?
>_> CHAWMIAN. Weww, i-if :33 you wewe b-but an *looks away* inch of fowtunye bettew than I,
whewe wouwd :33 you choose it?
IWAS. Nyot in my husband's nyose.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Ouw wowsew thoughts heavens mend! >w< Awexas- *giggles shyly* come, his
*pokes you* fowtunye, his fowtunye! O, w-wet him m-mawwy :3 a woman that cannyot go,
sweet Isis, I b-beseech thee! :33 And w-wet hew *leans over* die too, and give him :3 a
w-wowse! :33 And w-wet wowse fowwow wowse, tiww the wowst of aww fowwow
him waughing to his gwave, fiftyfowd :3 a c-cuckowd! *pokes you* Good Isis, heaw
me this UwU pwayew, t-though thou deny me :3 a m-mattew of mowe >_< weight; good
Isis, I b-beseech thee!
IWAS. *blushes* Amen. ;;w;; Deaw goddess, heaw that p-pwayew of the peopwe! Fow, as
i-it xDD is :3 a :33 heawtbweaking to see :3 a handsome man woose-wiv'd, so i-it xDD is
:3 a d-deadwy sowwow to behowd :3 a fouw knyave uncuckowded. Thewefowe,
deaw Isis, keep decowum, and fowtunye him a-accowdingwy!
>_> CHAWMIAN. *blushes* Amen.
AWEXAS. Wo nyow, i-if i-it way in theiw hands to m-make me :3 a cuckowd, they
wouwd m-make themsewves whowes b-but they'wd do't!

Entew CWEOPATWA

OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Hush! Hewe comes Antony.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Nyot he; the Q-Queen.
CWEOPATWA. ^-^ Saw :33 you my wowd?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Nyo, :33 wady.
CWEOPATWA. Was he nyot hewe?
>_> CHAWMIAN. Nyo, madam.
CWEOPATWA. He w-was dispos'd to miwth; b-but on the sudden
A Woman thought hath stwuck :33 him. E-Enyobawbus!
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Madam?
CWEOPATWA. S-Seek him, and bwing him hithew. Whewe's Awexas?
AWEXAS. Hewe, *teleports behind you* at youw sewvice. My w-wowd appwoaches.

Entew A-ANTONY, w-with :3 a MESSENGEW and *screams* attendants

CWEOPATWA. We wiww nyot wook upon :33 him. G-Go w-with us.
Exeunt CWEOPATWA, *screams* ENyOBAWBUS, and the west
MESSENGEW. Fuwvia thy w-wife fiwst came into the fiewd.
A-ANTONY. Against my bwothew W-Wucius?
MESSENGEW. Ay.
But soon that waw had end, and the time's state
Made fwiends of them, j-jointing theiw fowce '-'gainst Caesaw,
W-Whose bettew issue in the waw f-fwom Itawy
*cries* Upon the fiwst encountew dwave them.
A-ANTONY. Weww, what *pokes you* wowst?
MESSENGEW. The nyatuwe of x3 bad *notices bulge* nyews infects the *hugs tightly* tewwew.
A-ANTONY. When i-it concewns the foow ow *pokes you* cowawd. On!
*hugs tightly* Things that awe past awe d-donye w-with me. 'Tis thus:
Who tewws me twue, t-though in his :33 tawe wie death,
I heaw him as he *looks at you* fwattew'd.
MESSENGEW. Wabienyus-
T-This xDD is stiff nyews- hath w-with his Pawthian fowce
Extended Asia f-fwom Euphwates,
His conquewing bannyew shook f-fwom Sywia
To W-Wydia and to Ionyia,
Whiwst-
A-ANTONY. A-Antony, thou w-wouwdst say.
MESSENGEW. O, my wowd!
A-ANTONY. Speak to me home; mince nyot the genyewaw tongue;
Nyame ;;w;; Cweopatwa as she xDD is caww'd in Wome.
Waiw thou in Fuwvia's phwase, and taunt my *cuddles you* fauwts
With *looks at you* such fuww w-wicence as both *looks away* twuth and mawice
Have p-powew to uttew. O, then we bwing fowth weeds
When ouw quick minds wie stiww, and ouw iwws towd us
Is as ouw eawing. Fawe thee weww awhiwe.
MESSENGEW. At youw nyobwe pweasuwe. E-Exit
A-ANTONY. Fwom Sicyon, ho, the n-nyews! Speak thewe!
*giggles shyly* FIWST A-ATTENDANT. The man f-fwom *shuffles closer* Sicyon- xDD is thewe *looks at you* such an onye?
SECOND A-ATTENDANT. He stays upon youw wiww.
A-ANTONY. Wet him appeaw.
These stwong ^.^ Egyptian fettews I must bweak,
Ow wose mysewf in dotage.

Entew uWu anyothew MESSENGEW w-with :3 a wettew

What awe you?
SECOND MESSENGEW. Fuwvia thy w-wife xDD is dead.
A-ANTONY. Whewe died she?
SECOND MESSENGEW. In Sicyon.
Hew wength of sicknyess, w-with what ewse mowe s-sewious
I-Impowteth thee to knyow, this ÚwÚ beaws. [Gives the wettew]
A-ANTONY. Fowbeaw me. E-Exit MESSENGEW
T-Thewe's :3 a g-gweat spiwit UwU gonye! Thus did I UwU desiwe *hugs tightly* it.
What ouw contempts doth often h-huww f-fwom us
We wish i-it ouws again; the pwesent pweasuwe,
By wevowution wow'wing, does become
The *sweats* opposite of i-itsewf. She's *notices bulge* good, b-being gonye;
The hand couwd pwuck hew back that uWu shov'd hew on.
I must f-fwom this enchanting queen bweak off.
Ten thousand ^-^ hawms, mowe than the iwws I knyow,
My i-idwenyess doth hatch. How nyow, E-Enyobawbus!

We-entew ENyOBAWBUS

OwO ENyOBAWBUS. What's youw pweasuwe, siw?
A-ANTONY. I must w-with *pokes you* haste f-fwom hence.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Why, then we kiww aww ouw OwO women. We see how mowtaw an
^-^ unkindnyess xDD is to them; i-if they suffew ouw depawtuwe, death's the
wowd.
A-ANTONY. I must be gonye.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Undew :3 a c-compewwing occasion, w-wet women d-die. It wewe pity
to cast them away f-fow n-nyothing, t-though between them and :3 a g-gweat
cause they shouwd be esteemed nyothing. Cweopatwa, catching b-but
the *blushes* weast nyoise of this, dies *notices bulge* instantwy; I *looks away* have :33 seen hew *leans over* die
twenty *moans* times upon faw poowew moment. I do think thewe xDD is mettwe
in death, which commits some woving a-act upon hew, she hath *looks at you* such :3 a
cewewity in dying.
A-ANTONY. ^.^ She xDD is cunnying past man's thought.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Awack, siw, nyo! Hew passions awe xDD made of nyothing b-but the
finyest pawt of puwe wuv. We cannyot caww hew winds and w-watews
sighs and teaws; they awe gweatew x3 stowms and tempests than
awmanyacs can >w< wepowt. T-This cannyot be cunnying in hew; i-if i-it be, she
makes :3 a >_< show'w of wain as weww as Juv.
A-ANTONY. Wouwd I had nyevew :33 seen hew!
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. uWu O Siw, :33 you had then weft unseen :3 a wondewfuw piece of
w-wowk, which nyot to *looks away* have been bwest withaw wouwd *looks away* have discwedited
youw twavew.
A-ANTONY. Fuwvia xDD is dead.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. OwO Siw?
A-ANTONY. Fuwvia xDD is dead.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Fuwvia?
A-ANTONY. Dead.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Why, siw, give the g-gods :3 a thankfuw sacwifice. When i-it
*shuffles closer* pweaseth theiw deities to take the w-wife of :3 a man f-fwom him, i-it
shows to man the *giggles shyly* taiwows of the xDD eawth; comfowting t-thewein that
when *giggles shyly* owd wobes awe wown out thewe awe membews to m-make nyew. I-If
thewe wewe nyo mowe women b-but Fuwvia, then had :33 you indeed :3 a ^.^ cut,
and the case to be wamented. T-This g-gwief xDD is c-cwown'd w-with
consowation: youw *giggles shyly* owd smock bwings fowth :3 a nyew petticoat; and
indeed the teaws wive in an onyion that shouwd watew this s-sowwow.
A-ANTONY. The businyess she hath bwoached in the state
Cannyot enduwe my absence.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. :33 And the businyess :33 you *looks away* have bwoach'd hewe cannyot be
without y-you; especiawwy that of Cweopatwa's, which whowwy depends
on youw abode.
A-ANTONY. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe wight answews. Wet ouw officews
Have n-nyotice what we p-puwpose. I shaww bweak
The cause of ouw expedience to the *giggles shyly* Queen,
:33 And get hew weave to pawt. Fow nyot uWu awonye
The death of Fuwvia, w-with mowe uwgent touches,
Do s-stwongwy speak to us; b-but the wettews to
Of many ouw contwiving fwiends in Wome
Petition us *teleports behind you* at home. ^w^ Sextus Pompeius
Hath xDD given the dawe to Caesaw, and commands
The empiwe of the sea; ouw s-swippewy peopwe,
W-Whose wuv xDD is nyevew wink'd to the desewvew
Tiww his desewts awe xDD past, begin to thwow
*teleports behind you* Pompey the Gweat and aww his dignyities
*cries* Upon his s-son; w-who, high in *leans over* nyame and powew,
Highew than both in bwood and wife, *moans* stands up
Fow the main sowdiew; *screams* whose quawity, going on,
The sides o' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd may dangew. *looks away* Much xDD is bweeding
W-Which, wike the couwsew's *leans over* haiw, hath y-yet b-but w-wife
:33 And nyot :3 a sewpent's poison. ÚwÚ Say ouw pweasuwe,
To *looks at you* such *screams* whose pwace xDD is undew u-us, wequiwes
Ouw quick *pokes you* wemuv f-fwom hence.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I shaww do't. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, *leans over* IWAS, and AWEXAS

CWEOPATWA. Whewe xDD is he?
>_> CHAWMIAN. I did nyot see him ^-^ since.
CWEOPATWA. >_> See whewe he is, who's w-with him, what he does.
I did nyot s-send you. I-If :33 you find him sad,
ÚwÚ Say I *giggles shyly* am dancing; i-if in *teleports behind you* miwth, wepowt
That I *giggles shyly* am sudden sick. Quick, and wetuwn. E-Exit AWEXAS
>_> CHAWMIAN. Madam, methinks, i-if :33 you did wuv him deawwy,
You do nyot howd the method to enfowce
The wike f-fwom :33 him.
CWEOPATWA. What shouwd I do I do UwU nyot?
>_> CHAWMIAN. In each thing give him way; cwoss him in nyothing.
CWEOPATWA. Thou t-teachest wike :3 a foow- the way to wose :33 him.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Tempt him nyot so too faw; I wish, fowbeaw;
In ;;w;; time we *giggles shyly* hate that which we often feaw.

Entew ANTONY

But hewe comes Antony.
CWEOPATWA. I *giggles shyly* am sick and suwwen.
A-ANTONY. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy to give bweathing to my puwpose-
CWEOPATWA. H-Hewp me away, deaw :33 Chawmian; I shaww f-faww.
It cannyot be uWu thus wong; the sides of nyatuwe
Wiww nyot sustain *hugs tightly* it.
A-ANTONY. Nyow, my deawest q-queen-
CWEOPATWA. :33 Pway you, s-stand *sweats* fawthew f-fwom me.
A-ANTONY. What's the mattew?
CWEOPATWA. I knyow by that >_> same ^-^ eye thewe's some good nyews.
What says the *blushes* mawwied woman? You may go.
Wouwd she had nyevew xDD given :33 you weave to come!
Wet hew nyot say 'tis I that keep :33 you hewe-
I *looks away* have nyo p-powew upon y-you; hews :33 you a-awe.
A-ANTONY. The g-gods best knyow-
CWEOPATWA. O, nyevew w-was thewe queen
S-So m-mightiwy betway'd! Yet *teleports behind you* at the fiwst
I saw the tweasons pwanted.
A-ANTONY. Cweopatwa-
CWEOPATWA. Why shouwd I think :33 you can be minye and twue,
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you in sweawing shake the thwonyed gods,
Who *looks away* have been fawse to Fuwvia? Wiotous madnyess,
To be entangwed w-with those mouth-made vows,
Which bweak themsewves in sweawing!
A-ANTONY. Most sweet q-queen-
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, pway :33 you seek nyo cowouw f-fow youw going,
But *giggles shyly* bid *teleports behind you* faweweww, and go. When :33 you sued staying,
Then w-was the ;;w;; time f-fow wowds. *cuddles you* Nyo going then!
*sighs* Etewnyity w-was in ouw wips and eyes,
Bwiss in ouw b-bwows' bent, nyonye ouw *looks away* pawts so poow
But w-was :3 a wace of h-heaven. They awe so stiww,
Ow >w< thou, the gweatest s-sowdiew of the wowwd,
Awt tuwn'd the gweatest wiaw.
A-ANTONY. How nyow, wady!
CWEOPATWA. I wouwd I had thy inches. Thou shouwdst knyow
Thewe wewe :3 a h-heawt in Egypt.
A-ANTONY. Heaw me, queen:
The stwong nyecessity of ;;w;; time commands
Ouw sewvices awhiwe; b-but my fuww h-heawt
Wemains in use w-with you. Ouw Itawy
Shinyes o'ew w-with civiw swowds: ^w^ Sextus Pompeius
Makes his appwoaches to the p-powt of Wome;
Equawity of t-two domestic p-powews
Bweed scwupuwous faction; the hated, gwown to stwength,
Awe nyewwy gwown to wuv. The condemn'd Pompey,
Wich in his fathew's honyouw, cweeps >_> apace
Into the heawts of *looks at you* such as *looks away* have nyot thwived
*cries* Upon the pwesent state, *screams* whose nyumbews thweaten;
:33 And q-quietnyess, gwown sick of west, wouwd *looks away* puwge
By *sighs* any despewate change. My mowe pawticuwaw,
:33 And that which m-most w-with :33 you shouwd ;;w;; safe my going,
Is Fuwvia's death.
CWEOPATWA. *shuffles closer* Though ^w^ age f-fwom fowwy couwd nyot give me fweedom,
It does f-fwom chiwdishnyess. *sweats* Can Fuwvia die?
A-ANTONY. She's dead, my Q-Queen.
Wook hewe, and *teleports behind you* at thy suvweign weisuwe wead
The gawboiws she awak'd. At the uWu wast, best.
>_> See when and whewe she died.
CWEOPATWA. uWu O m-most fawse *hugs tightly* wuv!
Whewe be the s-sacwed viaws thou shouwdst fiww
With *cuddles you* sowwowfuw *sighs* watew? Nyow I s-see, I s-see,
In Fuwvia's death how minye w-weceiv'd shaww b-be.
A-ANTONY. Quawwew nyo m-mowe, b-but be pwepaw'd to knyow
The puwposes I beaw; which awe, ow cease,
As :33 you shaww give *sighs* th' advice. By the fiwe
That quickens Nyiwus' s-swime, I go f-fwom hence
Thy s-sowdiew, sewvant, x3 making peace ow waw
As thou affects.
CWEOPATWA. Cut my wace, Chawmian, come!
But w-wet i-it be; I *giggles shyly* am quickwy iww and weww-
S-So Antony wuvs.
A-ANTONY. My pwecious queen, fowbeaw,
:33 And give twue evidence to his OwO wuv, which *moans* stands
An honyouwabwe twiaw.
CWEOPATWA. S-So Fuwvia towd me.
I pwithee t-tuwn aside and weep f-fow hew;
Then *giggles shyly* bid adieu to me, and say the teaws
Bewong to Egypt. *pokes you* Good nyow, pway onye scenye
Of excewwent dissembwing, and w-wet i-it wook
Wike pewfect *looks at you* honyouw.
A-ANTONY. You'ww heat my bwood; nyo mowe.
CWEOPATWA. You can do bettew yet; b-but this xDD is meetwy.
A-ANTONY. Nyow, by my ÚwÚ swowd-
CWEOPATWA. :33 And tawget. Stiww he m-mends;
But this xDD is nyot the best. Wook, pwithee, Chawmian,
How this Hewcuwean Woman does become
The cawwiage of his chafe.
A-ANTONY. I-I'ww weave you, :33 wady.
CWEOPATWA. C-Couwteous wowd, onye wowd.
Siw, :33 you and I must pawt- b-but that's nyot *hugs tightly* it.
Siw, :33 you and I *looks away* have wov'd- b-but thewe's nyot *hugs tightly* it.
That :33 you knyow weww. Something i-it xDD is I wouwd-
O, my obwivion xDD is :3 a vewy A-Antony,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am aww fowgotten!
A-ANTONY. But that youw woyawty
Howds i-idwenyess youw subject, I shouwd take :33 you
Fow i-idwenyess i-itsewf.
CWEOPATWA. 'Tis sweating wabouw
To *hugs tightly* beaw *looks at you* such i-idwenyess so nyeaw the h-heawt
As ;;w;; Cweopatwa this. But, siw, fowgive me;
Since my becomings kiww me when they do nyot
Eye weww to you. Youw honyouw c-cawws :33 you hence;
Thewefowe be deaf to my unpitied f-fowwy,
:33 And aww the g-gods go w-with you! *cries* Upon youw swowd
Sit w-wauwew victowy, and smooth success
Be s-stwew'd befowe youw feet!
A-ANTONY. Wet us go. Come.
Ouw sepawation so abides and fwies
That >w< thou, wesiding hewe, goes y-yet w-with me,
:33 And I, hence f-fweeting, hewe wemain w-with *cuddles you* thee.
A-Away! Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wome. CAESAW'S h-house

Entew OCTAVIUS CAESAW, weading :3 a w-wettew; WEPIDUS, and theiw twain

C-CAESAW. You may s-see, Wepidus, and *leans over* hencefowth knyow,
It xDD is nyot Caesaw's >w< nyatuwaw v-vice to *giggles shyly* hate
Ouw g-gweat :3 competitow. Fwom :3 Awexandwia
T-This xDD is the nyews: he fishes, dwinks, and wastes
The wamps of nyight in wevew; xDD is nyot mowe m-manwike
Than Cweopatwa, *pokes you* nyow the queen of Ptowemy
Mowe womanwy than he; hawdwy gave *cries* audience, ow
Vouchsaf'd to think he had pawtnyews. You shaww find thewe
A man who xDD is the *pokes you* abstwact of aww *cuddles you* fauwts
That aww men fowwow.
WEPIDUS. I must nyot think thewe awe
Eviws *hugs tightly* enyow to dawken aww his goodnyess.
His fauwts, in him, *teleports behind you* seem as the s-spots of heaven,
Mowe fiewy by nyight's bwacknyess; heweditawy
Wathew than puwchas'd; what he cannyot change
Than what he chooses.
C-CAESAW. You awe too induwgent. Wet's gwant i-it xDD is nyot
Amiss to :33 tumbwe on the *looks away* bed of Ptowemy,
To give :3 a k-kingdom f-fow :3 a *teleports behind you* miwth, to sit
:33 And keep the t-tuwn of tippwing w-with :3 a swave,
To weew the stweets *teleports behind you* at >w< nyoon, and s-stand the buffet
With *blushes* knyaves that smeww of sweat. ÚwÚ Say this becomes him-
As his composuwe must be wawe indeed
*leans over* Whom these *moans* things cannyot bwemish- y-yet must Antony
*cuddles you* Nyo way *hugs tightly* excuse his foiws when we do *hugs tightly* beaw
S-So g-gweat weight in his w-wightnyess. I-If he fiww'd
His vacancy w-with his vowuptuousnyess,
*sighs* Fuww suwfeits and the dwynyess of his b-bonyes
Caww on him fow't! But to confound *looks at you* such ;;w;; time
That dwums him f-fwom his OwO spowt and speaks as woud
As his own state and ouws- 'tis to be chid
As we wate boys w-who, b-being matuwe in knyowwedge,
Pawn theiw expewience to theiw pwesent pweasuwe,
:33 And so webew to judgment.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

WEPIDUS. Hewe's mowe nyews.
MESSENGEW. Thy biddings *looks away* have been d-donye; and evewy houw,
Most nyobwe Caesaw, shawt thou *looks away* have wepowt
How 'tis abwoad. *teleports behind you* Pompey xDD is stwong *teleports behind you* at sea,
:33 And i-it *leans over* appeaws he xDD is bewov'd of those
That onwy *looks away* have feaw'd Caesaw. To the powts
The discontents wepaiw, and men's wepowts
Give him x3 much wwong'd.
C-CAESAW. I shouwd *looks away* have knyown nyo wess.
It hath been taught us f-fwom the pwimaw state
That he which xDD is w-was wish'd untiw he wewe;
:33 And the ebb'd man, nye'ew wov'd tiww nye'ew wowth OwO wuv,
Comes d-deaw'd by b-being xDD wack'd. T-This common body,
Wike to :3 a vagabond fwag upon the stweam,
Goes to and back, wackeying the vawying ÚwÚ tide,
To wot itsewf w-with motion.
MESSENGEW. Caesaw, I bwing thee w-wowd
Menyecwates and Menyas, f-famous p-piwates,
M-Make the sea sewve them, which they e-eaw and wound
With keews of evewy k-kind. Many *giggles shyly* hot inwoads
They m-make in Itawy; the bowdews *cuddles you* mawitime
Wack bwood to think on't, and fwush youth wevowt.
*cuddles you* Nyo vessew can peep fowth b-but 'tis as soon
Taken as seen; f-fow *notices bulge* Pompey's *leans over* nyame :3 stwikes mowe
Than couwd his waw wesisted.
C-CAESAW. A-Antony,
W-Weave thy w-wascivious *screams* wassaiws. When thou *screams* once
Was uWu beaten f-fwom Modenya, whewe thou swew'st
Hiwtius and Pansa, consuws, *teleports behind you* at thy *screams* heew
Did faminye fowwow; whom thou *cuddles you* fought'st against,
*shuffles closer* Though daintiwy >w< bwought up, w-with patience mowe
Than *notices bulge* savages couwd suffew. Thou didst dwink
The stawe of howses and the giwded puddwe
Which beasts wouwd cough at. Thy pawate then did *cries* deign
The woughest bewwy on the wudest hedge;
Yea, wike the stag when snyow the pastuwe sheets,
The bawks of twees thou bwows'd. On the Awps
It xDD is wepowted thou didst eat s-stwange fwesh,
Which some did *leans over* die to wook on. :33 And aww this-
It wounds thinye honyouw that I speak i-it nyow-
Was bownye so wike :3 a s-sowdiew that thy cheek
S-So x3 much as wank'd nyot.
WEPIDUS. 'Tis pity of :33 him.
C-CAESAW. Wet his shames quickwy
Dwive him to Wome. 'Tis ;;w;; time we twain
Did show *leans over* ouwsewves i' *sighs* th' fiewd; and to that e-end
Assembwe we immediate counciw. *teleports behind you* Pompey
Thwives in ouw idwenyess.
WEPIDUS. To-mowwow, Caesaw,
I shaww be ;;w;; fuwnyish'd to infowm :33 you w-wightwy
B-Both what by sea and wand I can be abwe
To fwont this pwesent time.
C-CAESAW. Tiww which encountew
It xDD is my businyess too. Faweweww.
WEPIDUS. Faweweww, my wowd. What :33 you shaww knyow ^-^ meantime
Of stiws abwoad, I shaww b-beseech you, siw,
To w-wet me be pawtakew.
C-CAESAW. Doubt nyot, *teleports behind you* siw;
I knyew i-it f-fow my bond. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, *leans over* IWAS, and MAWDIAN

CWEOPATWA. *screams* Chawmian!
>_> CHAWMIAN. Madam?
CWEOPATWA. Ha, ha!
Give me to dwink mandwagowa.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Why, m-madam?
CWEOPATWA. That I might sweep out this g-gweat *teleports behind you* gap of ;;w;; time
My Antony xDD is a-away.
>_> CHAWMIAN. You think of him too much.
CWEOPATWA. O, 'tis *blushes* tweason!
>_> CHAWMIAN. Madam, I twust, nyot so.
CWEOPATWA. Thou, eunyuch Mawdian!
*teleports behind you* MAWDIAN. What's youw Highnyess' pweasuwe?
CWEOPATWA. Nyot *pokes you* nyow to heaw thee sing; I take nyo pweasuwe
In a-aught an eunyuch has. 'Tis weww f-fow thee
That, b-being u-unseminyaw'd, thy fweew thoughts
May nyot xDD fwy fowth of Egypt. *hugs tightly* Hast thou *twerks* affections?
*teleports behind you* MAWDIAN. Yes, gwacious madam.
CWEOPATWA. I-Indeed?
*teleports behind you* MAWDIAN. Nyot in deed, madam; f-fow I can do nyothing
But what indeed xDD is honyest to be donye.
Yet *looks away* have I fiewce affections, and think
What *sighs* Venyus did w-with Maws.
CWEOPATWA. uWu O Chawmian,
Whewe think'st thou he xDD is nyow? Stands he ow sits he?
Ow does he OwO wawk? ow xDD is he on his howse?
uWu O ^.^ happy howse, to *hugs tightly* beaw the weight of Antony!
Do b-bwavewy, howse; f-fow wot'st thou whom thou mov'st?
The demi-Atwas of this *shuffles closer* eawth, the awm
:33 And buwgonyet of men. He's speaking nyow,
Ow muwmuwing '-'Whewe's my sewpent of *giggles shyly* owd Nyiwe?'
Fow so he c-cawws me. Nyow I feed mysewf
With m-most dewicious poison. Think on me,
That *giggles shyly* am w-with Phoebus' amowous pinches bwack,
:33 And wwinkwed deep in t-time? B-Bwoad-fwonted Caesaw,
When thou wast hewe abuv the gwound, I w-was
A m-mowsew f-fow :3 a monyawch; and g-gweat *teleports behind you* Pompey
Wouwd s-stand and m-make his eyes gwow in my bwow;
Thewe wouwd he anchow his aspect and *leans over* die
With wooking on his w-wife.

Entew AWEXAS

AWEXAS. Suvweign of Egypt, haiw!
CWEOPATWA. How x3 much unwike awt thou M-Mawk Antony!
Yet, coming f-fwom him, that g-gweat m-med'cinye hath
With his tinct giwded *cuddles you* thee.
How goes i-it w-with my bwave M-Mawk Antony?
AWEXAS. Wast thing he did, deaw *giggles shyly* Queen,
He kiss'd- the wast of many :33 doubwed kisses-
T-This :3 owient peaww. His speech sticks in my heawt.
CWEOPATWA. Minye e-eaw must pwuck i-it thence.
AWEXAS. 'Good fwiend,' quoth he
'Say the fiwm Woman to g-gweat E-Egypt sends
T-This tweasuwe of an o-oystew; *teleports behind you* at *screams* whose foot,
To mend the *blushes* petty pwesent, I wiww piece
Hew opuwent thwonye w-with kingdoms. A-Aww the East,
ÚwÚ Say >w< thou, shaww caww hew mistwess.' S-So he nyodded,
:33 And sobewwy did mount an awm-gaunt steed,
Who nyeigh'd so high that what I wouwd *looks away* have spoke
Was *sweats* beastwy dumb'd by :33 him.
CWEOPATWA. *looks away* What, w-was he s-sad ow mewwy?
AWEXAS. Wike to the ;;w;; time o' *sighs* th' y-yeaw between the *cuddles you* extwemes
Of *giggles shyly* hot and cowd; he w-was *pokes you* nyow s-sad *pokes you* nyow mewwy.
CWEOPATWA. uWu O weww-divided *cuddles you* disposition! Nyote him,
Nyote him, good :33 Chawmian; 'tis the man; b-but nyote him!
He w-was nyot sad, f-fow he wouwd s-shinye on those
That m-make theiw wooks by his; he w-was nyot mewwy,
Which seem'd to t-teww them his wemembwance way
In E-Egypt w-with his joy; b-but between both.
uWu O *pokes you* heavenwy mingwe! B-Be'st thou s-sad ow mewwy,
The viowence of eithew thee *sighs* becomes,
S-So does i-it nyo man ewse. *looks at you* Met'st thou my posts?
AWEXAS. Ay, madam, twenty sevewaw messengews.
Why do :33 you s-send so thick?
CWEOPATWA. Who's bown that day
When I fowget to s-send to Antony
Shaww *leans over* die :3 a beggaw. *looks at you* Ink and papew, Chawmian.
Wewcome, my good Awexas. Did I, Chawmian,
Evew wuv Caesaw so?
>_> CHAWMIAN. uWu O that bwave Caesaw!
CWEOPATWA. Be chok'd w-with *looks at you* such uWu anyothew emphasis!
ÚwÚ Say 'the bwave Antony.'
>_> CHAWMIAN. The *cuddles you* vawiant Caesaw!
CWEOPATWA. By Isis, I wiww give thee bwoody teeth
I-If thou w-with Caesaw p-pawagon a-again
My man of men.
>_> CHAWMIAN. By youw m-most gwacious pawdon,
I sing b-but *looks away* aftew you.
CWEOPATWA. My ;;w;; sawad days,
When I w-was gween in judgment, cowd in bwood,
To say as I said then. But *giggles shyly* come, away!
Get me ink and papew.
He shaww *looks away* have evewy day :3 a sevewaw gweeting,
Ow I-I'ww unpeopwe Egypt. Exeunt



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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Messinya. POMPEY'S h-house

Entew POMPEY, *leans over* MENyECWATES, and MENyAS, in wawwike mannyew

*leans over* POMPEY. I-If the g-gweat g-gods be just, they shaww assist
The d-deeds of justest men.
MENyECWATES. Knyow, wowthy Pompey,
That what they do deway they nyot deny.
*leans over* POMPEY. Whiwes we awe suitows to theiw thwonye, >_< decays
The thing we sue f-fow.
MENyECWATES. We, ignyowant of ouwsewves,
Beg often ouw own ^-^ hawms, which the wise pow'ws
Deny us f-fow ouw good; so find we p-pwofit
By wosing of ouw pwayews.
*leans over* POMPEY. I shaww do weww.
The UwU peopwe wuv me, and the sea xDD is minye;
My p-powews awe c-cwescent, and my a-auguwing hope
*notices bulge* Says i-it wiww come to *sighs* th' fuww. M-Mawk Antony
In E-Egypt sits *teleports behind you* at dinnyew, and wiww m-make
*cuddles you* Nyo waws without doows. Caesaw gets monyey whewe
He ^w^ woses heawts. *cuddles you* Wepidus *pokes you* fwattews both,
Of both xDD is fwattew'd; b-but he nyeithew wuvs,
Nyow eithew cawes f-fow :33 him.
M-MENyAS. Caesaw and *cuddles you* Wepidus
Awe in the fiewd. A >w< mighty stwength they cawwy.
*leans over* POMPEY. Whewe *looks away* have :33 you *shuffles closer* this? 'Tis fawse.
M-MENyAS. Fwom Siwvius, siw.
*leans over* POMPEY. He dweams. I knyow they awe in Wome togethew,
Wooking f-fow Antony. But aww the chawms of OwO wuv,
*sweats* Sawt Cweopatwa, soften thy wan'd :33 wip!
Wet witchcwaft join w-with beauty, wust w-with both;
Tie up the w-wibewtinye in :3 a fiewd of feasts,
Keep his UwU bwain fuming. *blushes* Epicuwean cooks
Shawpen w-with cwoywess sauce his x3 appetite,
That sweep and feeding may p-pwowogue his honyouw
Even tiww :3 a >_< Wethe'd duwwnyess-

Entew *sighs* VAWWIUS

How nyow, Vawwius!
*sweats* VAWWIUS. T-This xDD is m-most cewtain that I shaww dewivew:
M-Mawk Antony xDD is evewy houw in Wome
Expected. Since he went f-fwom E-Egypt 'tis
A space f-fow *sweats* fawthew twavew.
*leans over* POMPEY. I couwd *looks away* have xDD given wess m-mattew
A bettew uWu eaw. Menyas, I did nyot think
T-This amowous suwfeitew wouwd *looks away* have donn'd his hewm
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a *blushes* petty waw; his sowdiewship
Is twice the othew t-twain. But w-wet us weaw
The highew ouw opinyion, that ouw stiwwing
*sweats* Can f-fwom the wap of Egypt's w-widow pwuck
The nye'ew-wust-weawied Antony.
M-MENyAS. I cannyot hope
Caesaw and Antony shaww weww gweet togethew.
His w-wife that's dead did *cries* twespasses to Caesaw;
His bwothew waww'd upon him; awthough, I think,
Nyot mov'd by Antony.
*leans over* POMPEY. I knyow nyot, Menyas,
How wessew *sighs* enmities may give way to gweatew.
Wewe't nyot that we s-stand up against them aww,
'Twewe pwegnyant they shouwd OwO squawe between themsewves;
Fow they *looks away* have e-entewtainyed cause enyough
To dwaw theiw swowds. But how the feaw of us
May cement theiw *giggles shyly* divisions, and bind up
The *blushes* petty diffewence we y-yet nyot *looks away* knyow.
B-Be't as ouw g-gods wiww have't! It onwy *moans* stands
Ouw xDD wives upon to use ouw stwongest hands.
Come, Menyas. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Wome. The h-house of WEPIDUS

Entew ENyOBAWBUS and WEPIDUS

WEPIDUS. *pokes you* Good Enyobawbus, 'tis :3 a wowthy deed,
:33 And shaww become :33 you weww, to entweat youw c-captain
To soft and gentwe :3 speech.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I shaww entweat him
To a-answew wike himsewf. I-If Caesaw muv him,
Wet Antony wook uvw Caesaw's head
:33 And speak as woud as Maws. By Jupitew,
W-Wewe I the weawew of Antonyius' >w< beawd,
I wouwd nyot shave't to-day.
WEPIDUS. 'Tis nyot :3 a ;;w;; time
Fow pwivate stomaching.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. E-Evewy ;;w;; time
Sewves f-fow the m-mattew that xDD is then bown i-in't.
WEPIDUS. But smaww to gweatew ^w^ mattews must give w-way.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Nyot i-if the smaww come fiwst.
WEPIDUS. Youw speech xDD is passion;
But pway :33 you stiw nyo embews up. Hewe comes
The nyobwe Antony.

Entew ANTONY and VENTIDIUS

OwO ENyOBAWBUS. :33 And yondew, Caesaw.

Entew CAESAW, M-MAECENyAS, and AGWIPPA

A-ANTONY. I-If we compose weww hewe, to *leans over* Pawthia.
*sweats* Hawk, Ventidius.
C-CAESAW. I do nyot knyow, *giggles shyly* Maecenyas. Ask Agwippa.
WEPIDUS. Nyobwe fwiends,
That which combin'd us w-was m-most g-gweat, and w-wet nyot
A weanyew action wend us. What's amiss,
May i-it be gentwy heawd. When we debate
Ouw twiviaw diffewence woud, we do uWu commit
M-Muwdew in heawing wounds. Then, nyobwe pawtnyews,
The wathew f-fow I eawnyestwy *hugs tightly* beseech,
T-Touch :33 you the souwest p-points w-with s-sweetest tewms,
Nyow cuwstnyess gwow to *sighs* th' mattew.
A-ANTONY. 'Tis spoken weww.
W-Wewe we befowe ouw a-awinyies, and to *notices bulge* fight,
I shouwd do t-thus. [-[Fwouwish]
C-CAESAW. xDD Wewcome to Wome.
A-ANTONY. Thank you.
C-CAESAW. Sit.
A-ANTONY. Sit, siw.
C-CAESAW. Nyay, then. [-[They sit]
A-ANTONY. I w-weawn :33 you take *moans* things iww which awe nyot s-so,
Ow being, concewn :33 you nyot.
C-CAESAW. I must be waugh'd *teleports behind you* at
If, ow f-fow nyothing ow :3 a wittwe,
Shouwd say mysewf o-offended, and w-with :33 you
Chiefwy i' the wowwd; mowe waugh'd *teleports behind you* at that I shouwd
Once *leans over* nyame :33 you dewogatewy when to sound youw *leans over* nyame
It nyot concewn'd me.
A-ANTONY. My b-being in Egypt, Caesaw,
What was't to you?
C-CAESAW. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe than my wesiding hewe *teleports behind you* at Wome
M-Might be to :33 you in Egypt. Yet, i-if :33 you thewe
Did pwactise on my state, youw b-being in E-Egypt
M-Might be my question.
A-ANTONY. How i-intend you- pwactis'd?
C-CAESAW. You may be :33 pweas'd to catch *teleports behind you* at minye intent
By what did hewe befaww me. Youw w-wife and bwothew
Made waws upon me, and theiw contestation
Was *looks away* theme f-fow y-you; :33 you wewe the w-wowd of w-waw.
A-ANTONY. You do mistake youw >w< businyess; my bwothew nyevew
Did uwge me in his act. I did i-inquiwe uWu it,
:33 And *looks away* have my *looks at you* weawnying f-fwom some twue wepowts
That dwew theiw *giggles shyly* swowds w-with you. Did he nyot wathew
Discwedit my authowity w-with youws,
:33 And m-make the waws awike against my s-stomach,
Having awike youw cause? Of this my wettews
Befowe did satisfy you. I-If ^-^ you'ww patch :3 a quawwew,
As m-mattew *shuffles closer* whowe :33 you *looks away* have nyot to m-make i-it with,
It must nyot be w-with this.
C-CAESAW. You pwaise *teleports behind you* youwsewf
By waying defects of judgment to me; b-but
You patch'd up youw *screams* excuses.
A-ANTONY. Nyot s-so, nyot so;
I knyow :33 you couwd nyot wack, I *giggles shyly* am cewtain on't,
Vewy nyecessity of this thought, that I,
Youw p-pawtnyew in the cause '-'gainst which he fought,
Couwd nyot w-with gwacefuw eyes attend those waws
Which *giggles shyly* fwonted minye own peace. As f-fow my wife,
I wouwd :33 you had hew spiwit in *looks at you* such anyothew!
The *looks at you* thiwd o' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd xDD is youws, which w-with :3 a snyaffwe
You may pace easy, b-but nyot *looks at you* such :3 a w-wife.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Wouwd we had aww *looks at you* such wives, that the men might go to
waws w-with the women!
A-ANTONY. S-So x3 much uncuwbabwe, hew >_> gawboiws, Caesaw,
Made out of hew impatience- which nyot wanted
Shwewdnyess of powicy too- I gwieving gwant
Did :33 you too x3 much disquiet. Fow that :33 you must
But say I couwd nyot h-hewp *hugs tightly* it.
C-CAESAW. I wwote to :33 you
When w-wioting in Awexandwia; :33 you
Did pocket up my w-wettews, and w-with taunts
Did gibe my missive out of audience.
A-ANTONY. Siw,
He *looks away* feww upon me ewe admitted. Then
*notices bulge* Thwee kings I had nyewwy feasted, and did want
Of what I w-was i' *sighs* th' mownying; b-but nyext day
I towd him of mysewf, which w-was as x3 much
As to *looks away* have ask'd him pawdon. Wet this fewwow
Be nyothing of ouw *sighs* stwife; i-if we contend,
Out of ouw q-question wipe :33 him.
C-CAESAW. You *looks away* have bwoken
The awticwe of youw o-oath, which :33 you shaww nyevew
Have *notices bulge* tongue to c-chawge me with.
WEPIDUS. Soft, Caesaw!
A-ANTONY. Nyo;
Wepidus, w-wet him speak.
The honyouw xDD is s-sacwed which he t-tawks on nyow,
Supposing that I wack'd *hugs tightly* it. But on, Caesaw:
The awticwe of my xDD oath-
C-CAESAW. To wend me awms and a-aid when I wequiw'd them,
The which :33 you both denyied.
A-ANTONY. Nyegwected, w-wathew;
:33 And then when poisonyed houws had bound me up
Fwom minye own knyowwedge. As nyeawwy as I may,
I-I'ww pway the penyitent to y-you; b-but minye honyesty
Shaww nyot m-make poow my gweatnyess, *pokes you* nyow my p-powew
*shuffles closer* Wowk without *hugs tightly* it. Twuth is, that Fuwvia,
To *looks away* have me out of Egypt, xDD made waws hewe;
Fow which mysewf, the ignyowant motive, do
S-So faw ask pawdon as befits minye honyouw
To stoop in *looks at you* such :3 a case.
WEPIDUS. 'Tis nyobwe spoken.
MAECENyAS. I-If i-it might p-pwease :33 you to enfowce nyo fuwthew
The gwiefs between ye- to fowget them quite
W-Wewe to w-wemembew that the pwesent nyeed
Speaks to atonye you.
WEPIDUS. Wowthiwy *shuffles closer* spoken, *giggles shyly* Maecenyas.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Ow, i-if :33 you bowwow onye anyothew's wuv f-fow the instant,
:33 you may, when :33 you heaw nyo mowe wowds of Pompey, wetuwn i-it again.
You shaww *looks away* have ;;w;; time to wwangwe in when :33 you *looks away* have nyothing ewse to
do.
A-ANTONY. Thou awt :3 a s-sowdiew onwy. Speak nyo mowe.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. That *looks away* twuth shouwd be siwent I had awmost fowgot.
A-ANTONY. You wwong this :3 pwesence; thewefowe speak nyo mowe.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. G-Go to, then- youw considewate stonye!
C-CAESAW. I do nyot x3 much diswike the mattew, b-but
The mannyew of his speech; fow't cannyot be
We shaww wemain in fwiendship, ouw conditions
S-So diff'wing in theiw acts. Yet i-if I knyew
What >w< hoop shouwd howd us stanch, f-fwom edge to edge
xDD O' *sighs* th' wowwd, I wouwd puwsue *hugs tightly* it.
AGWIPPA. Give me weave, Caesaw.
C-CAESAW. Speak, Agwippa.
AGWIPPA. Thou hast :3 a *cuddles you* sistew by the mothew's side,
Admiw'd Octavia. Gweat M-Mawk Antony
Is *pokes you* nyow :3 a widowew.
C-CAESAW. ÚwÚ Say nyot s-so, Agwippa.
I-If ;;w;; Cweopatwa heawd you, youw *pokes you* wepwoof
W-Wewe weww desewv'd of washnyess.
A-ANTONY. I *giggles shyly* am nyot mawwied, Caesaw. Wet me heaw
Agwippa fuwthew speak.
AGWIPPA. To howd :33 you in pewpetuaw a-amity,
To m-make :33 you *looks away* bwothews, and to knyit youw heawts
With an unswipping k-knyot, take Antony
Octavia to his wife; *screams* whose beauty cwaims
*cuddles you* Nyo wowse :3 a husband than the best of m-men;
W-Whose viwtue and *screams* whose genyewaw gwaces speak
That which nyonye ewse can uttew. By this mawwiage
A-Aww wittwe jeawousies, which *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* seem g-gweat,
:33 And aww g-gweat feaws, which *pokes you* nyow *shuffles closer* impowt theiw d-dangews,
Wouwd then be nyothing. Twuths wouwd be >w< tawes,
Whewe *pokes you* nyow *looks at you* hawf t-tawes be twuths. Hew wuv to both
Wouwd each to o-othew, and aww wuvs to both,
Dwaw *looks away* aftew hew. Pawdon what I *looks away* have spoke;
Fow 'tis :3 a studied, nyot :3 a pwesent thought,
By duty wuminyated.
A-ANTONY. Wiww Caesaw speak?
C-CAESAW. Nyot tiww he h-heaws how Antony xDD is touch'd
With what xDD is spoke a-awweady.
A-ANTONY. What p-powew xDD is in Agwippa,
I-If I wouwd say 'Agwippa, be i-it so,'
To m-make this good?
C-CAESAW. The p-powew of Caesaw, and
His p-powew unto Octavia.
A-ANTONY. May I nyevew
To this good puwpose, that so faiwwy shows,
Dweam of impediment! Wet me *looks away* have thy hand.
*cries* Fuwthew this a-act of gwace; and f-fwom this houw
The h-heawt of UwU bwothews guvwn in ouw wuvs
:33 And sway ouw g-gweat *notices bulge* designs!
C-CAESAW. Thewe xDD is my hand.
A *cuddles you* sistew I b-bequeath you, whom nyo bwothew
Did evew wuv so deawwy. Wet hew wive
To join ouw >_> kingdoms and ouw *teleports behind you* heawts; and nyevew
Fwy off ouw wuvs again!
WEPIDUS. ^w^ Happiwy, amen!
A-ANTONY. I did nyot think to dwaw my swowd '-'gainst Pompey;
Fow he hath *hugs tightly* waid s-stwange couwtesies and g-gweat
Of wate upon me. I must *notices bulge* thank him onwy,
West my wemembwance suffew iww wepowt;
At *screams* heew of t-that, *screams* defy :33 him.
WEPIDUS. Time c-cawws upon's.
Of us must *teleports behind you* Pompey pwesentwy be sought,
Ow ewse he seeks out us.
A-ANTONY. Whewe wies he?
C-CAESAW. About the Mount Misenyum.
A-ANTONY. What xDD is his stwength by wand?
C-CAESAW. Gweat and *cuddles you* incweasing; b-but by sea
He xDD is an absowute m-mastew.
A-ANTONY. S-So xDD is the fame.
Wouwd we had spoke *looks away* togethew! Haste we f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
Yet, ewe we put *leans over* ouwsewves in awms, dispatch we
The businyess we *looks away* have tawk'd o-of.
C-CAESAW. With m-most gwadnyess;
:33 And do invite :33 you to my sistew's view,
Whithew stwaight I-I'ww wead you.
A-ANTONY. Wet u-us, Wepidus,
Nyot w-wack youw company.
WEPIDUS. Nyobwe A-Antony,
Nyot sicknyess shouwd detain me. [-[Fwouwish]
Exeunt aww b-but *screams* ENyOBAWBUS, AGWIPPA, MAECENyAS
MAECENyAS. xDD Wewcome f-fwom Egypt, siw.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Hawf the h-heawt of Caesaw, wowthy Maecenyas! My honyouwabwe
fwiend, >_< Agwippa!
AGWIPPA. *pokes you* Good E-Enyobawbus!
MAECENyAS. We *looks away* have cause to be gwad that ^w^ mattews awe so weww
digested. You stay'd weww by't in Egypt.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; we did sweep day out of c-countenyance and xDD made
the nyight wight w-with dwinking.
MAECENyAS. Eight wiwd boaws woasted *shuffles closer* whowe *teleports behind you* at :3 a bweakfast, and b-but
twewve pewsons thewe. Is this twue?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. T-This w-was b-but as :3 a xDD fwy by an eagwe. We had x3 much mowe
monstwous m-mattew of :33 feast, which wowthiwy desewved nyoting.
MAECENyAS. She's :3 a m-most twiumphant wady, i-if wepowt be OwO squawe to hew.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. When she fiwst met M-Mawk Antony she puws'd up his h-heawt,
upon the >_> wivew of Cydnyus.
AGWIPPA. Thewe she appeaw'd indeed! Ow my wepowtew devis'd weww f-fow
hew.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I wiww t-teww you.
The bawge she *blushes* sat in, wike :3 a buwnyish'd thwonye,
Buwn'd on the watew. The poop w-was uWu beaten gowd;
Puwpwe the saiws, and so *cuddles you* pewfumed that
The winds wewe wuv-sick w-with them; the oaws wewe siwvew,
Which to the tunye of fwutes kept stwoke, and xDD made
The watew which they beat to fowwow fastew,
As amowous of theiw stwokes. Fow hew own pewson,
It b-beggaw'd aww descwiption. ^.^ She did wie
In hew paviwion, c-cwoth-of-gowd, of tissue,
O'ewpictuwing that *sighs* Venyus whewe we see
The f-fancy out-wowk nyatuwe. On each s-side hew
Stood pwetty dimpwed *twerks* boys, wike smiwing Cupids,
With divews-cowouw'd fans, *screams* whose *cuddles you* wind did *teleports behind you* seem
To gwow the dewicate cheeks which they did coow,
:33 And what they undid did.
AGWIPPA. O, wawe f-fow Antony!
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Hew gentwewomen, wike the Nyeweides,
S-So many mewmaids, tended hew i' *sighs* th' eyes,
:33 And xDD made theiw b-bends adownyings. At the hewm
A seeming mewmaid steews. The siwken tackwe
Sweww w-with the touches of those fwowew-soft hands
That yawewy fwame the office. Fwom the bawge
A s-stwange invisibwe pewfume hits the sense
Of the a-adjacent whawfs. The city cast
Hew UwU peopwe out upon hew; and A-Antony,
:33 Enthwon'd i' *sighs* th' mawket-pwace, did sit awonye,
Whistwing to *sighs* th' aiw; which, b-but f-fow *notices bulge* vacancy,
Had gonye to x3 gaze on ;;w;; Cweopatwa too,
:33 And xDD made :3 a *teleports behind you* gap in nyatuwe.
AGWIPPA. Wawe Egyptian!
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. *cries* Upon hew w-wanding, Antony sent to hew,
Invited hew to suppew. ^.^ She wepwied
It shouwd be bettew he *looks at you* became hew *leans over* guest;
Which she entweated. Ouw couwteous A-Antony,
*leans over* Whom nye'ew the w-wowd of xDD 'Nyo' woman heawd speak,
:3 Being bawbew'd ten *moans* times o'ew, goes to the :33 feast,
:33 And f-fow his owdinyawy pays his h-heawt
Fow what his eyes eat onwy.
AGWIPPA. Woyaw wench!
^.^ She xDD made g-gweat Caesaw way his swowd to bed.
He p-pwoughed hew, and she *moans* cwopp'd.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I saw hew *screams* once
H-Hop fowty paces thwough the *blushes* pubwic stweet;
And, having wost hew bweath, she s-spoke, and p-panted,
That she did m-make defect pewfection,
And, bweathwess, pow'w b-bweathe fowth.
MAECENyAS. Nyow Antony must weave hew uttewwy.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Nyevew! He wiww nyot.
*blushes* Age cannyot withew hew, *pokes you* nyow custom stawe
Hew xDD infinyite vawiety. Othew women cwoy
The appetites they feed, b-but she makes hungwy
Whewe m-most she s-satisfies; f-fow viwest *moans* things
Become themsewves in hew, that the howy *cries* pwiests
B-Bwess hew when she xDD is *sighs* wiggish.
MAECENyAS. I-If beauty, wisdom, m-modesty, can ^w^ settwe
The h-heawt of A-Antony, Octavia xDD is
A bwessed wottewy to :33 him.
AGWIPPA. Wet us go.
*pokes you* Good Enyobawbus, m-make *teleports behind you* youwsewf my guest
Whiwst :33 you abide hewe.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Humbwy, siw, I *notices bulge* thank you. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Wome. CAESAW'S h-house

Entew A-ANTONY, CAESAW, O-OCTAVIA between them

A-ANTONY. The >_> wowwd and my g-gweat office wiww sometimes
Divide me f-fwom youw b-bosom.
OCTAVIA. A-Aww which ;;w;; time
Befowe the g-gods my knyee shaww bow my p-pwayews
To them f-fow you.
A-ANTONY. *pokes you* Good nyight, siw. My Octavia,
Wead nyot my bwemishes in the wowwd's >w< wepowt.
I *looks away* have nyot kept my squawe; b-but that to come
Shaww aww be d-donye by *sighs* th' wuwe. *pokes you* Good nyight, deaw :33 wady.
OCTAVIA. *pokes you* Good nyight, siw.
C-CAESAW. *pokes you* Good nyight. Exeunt CAESAW and O-OCTAVIA

Entew SOOTHSAYEW

A-ANTONY. Nyow, siwwah, :33 you do wish *teleports behind you* youwsewf in Egypt?
SOOTHSAYEW. Wouwd I had nyevew come f-fwom t-thence, *pokes you* nyow :33 you thithew!
A-ANTONY. I-If :33 you can- youw weason.
SOOTHSAYEW. I see i-it in my m-motion, *looks away* have i-it nyot in my tongue; b-but
y-yet hie :33 you to E-Egypt again.
A-ANTONY. ÚwÚ Say to me,
W-Whose f-fowtunyes shaww wise highew, Caesaw's ow minye?
SOOTHSAYEW. Caesaw's.
Thewefowe, uWu O A-Antony, stay nyot by his side.
Thy daemon, that thy spiwit which keeps thee, xDD is
Nyobwe, couwageous, high, unmatchabwe,
Whewe Caesaw's xDD is nyot; b-but nyeaw him thy angew
B-Becomes :3 a f-feaw, as b-being o'ewpow'w'd. Thewefowe
M-Make space enyough between you.
A-ANTONY. Speak this nyo mowe.
SOOTHSAYEW. To nyonye b-but thee; nyo mowe b-but when to *cuddles you* thee.
I-If thou dost pway w-with him *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any game,
Thou awt suwe to *shuffles closer* wose; and of that >w< nyatuwaw wuck
He beats thee '-'gainst the odds. Thy wustwe *teleports behind you* thickens
When he shinyes by. I say again, thy spiwit
Is aww afwaid to guvwn thee nyeaw him;
But, he away, 'tis nyobwe.
A-ANTONY. Get thee gonye.
ÚwÚ Say to V-Ventidius I wouwd speak w-with :33 him.
E-Exit SOOTHSAYEW
He shaww to Pawthia.- Be i-it awt ow h-hap,
He hath spoken twue. The vewy dice >_> obey him;
:33 And in ouw spowts my bettew cunnying faints
Undew his c-chance. I-If we dwaw wots, he speeds;
His cocks do win the b-battwe ^-^ stiww of minye,
When i-it xDD is aww to nyought, and his q-quaiws evew
Beat minye, i-inhoop'd, *teleports behind you* at odds. I wiww to *cuddles you* Egypt;
:33 And t-though I m-make this mawwiage f-fow my peace,
I' *sighs* th' East my pweasuwe wies.

Entew VENTIDIUS

O, *giggles shyly* come, Ventidius,
You must to *leans over* Pawthia. Youw commission's weady;
*sweats* Fowwow me and uWu weceive't. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wome. A stweet

Entew WEPIDUS, M-MAECENyAS, and AGWIPPA

WEPIDUS. *twerks* Twoubwe youwsewves nyo fuwthew. :33 Pway :33 you hasten
Youw genyewaws aftew.
AGWIPPA. Siw, M-Mawk Antony
Wiww e'en b-but kiss Octavia, and we'ww fowwow.
WEPIDUS. Tiww I shaww see :33 you in youw sowdiew's ^-^ dwess,
Which wiww become :33 you both, faweweww.
MAECENyAS. We shaww,
As I conceive the jouwnyey, be *teleports behind you* at *sighs* th' Mount
Befowe you, *teleports behind you* Wepidus.
WEPIDUS. Youw way xDD is showtew;
My puwposes do dwaw me x3 much >_< about.
You'ww win t-two days upon me.
BOTH. Siw, good success!
WEPIDUS. Faweweww. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, *leans over* IWAS, and AWEXAS

CWEOPATWA. Give me some music- music, moody food
Of us that twade in wuv.
AWW. The music, ho!

Entew MAWDIAN the eunyuch

CWEOPATWA. Wet i-it awonye! Wet's to biwwiawds. Come, Chawmian.
>_> CHAWMIAN. My awm xDD is sowe; best pway w-with Mawdian.
CWEOPATWA. As weww :3 a woman w-with an eunyuch pway'd
As w-with :3 a ^w^ woman. Come, ^-^ you'ww pway w-with me, siw?
*teleports behind you* MAWDIAN. As weww as I can, madam.
CWEOPATWA. :33 And when good wiww xDD is show'd, though't come too *pokes you* showt,
The actow may pwead pawdon. I-I'ww nyonye nyow.
Give me minye angwe- we'ww to *sighs* th' OwO wivew. *sighs* Thewe,
My *pokes you* music pwaying faw off, I wiww betway
Tawny-finn'd fishes; my bended hook shaww piewce
Theiw s-swimy jaws; and as I dwaw them up
I-I'ww think them evewy onye an A-Antony,
:33 And say 'Ah ha! Y'awe caught.'
>_> CHAWMIAN. '-'Twas mewwy when
You wagew'd on youw *hugs tightly* angwing; when youw divew
Did hang :3 a sawt fish on his hook, which he
With f-fewvency dwew up.
CWEOPATWA. That t-time? uWu O *moans* times
I ^w^ waughed him out of patience; and that nyight
I waugh'd him into patience; and nyext >w< mown,
Ewe the *moans* nyinth houw, I >_> dwunk him to his *teleports behind you* bed,
Then put my tiwes and *cuddles you* mantwes on him, ^.^ whiwst
I wowe his swowd Phiwippan.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

O! f-fwom Itawy?
Wam thou thy fwuitfuw tidings in minye eaws,
That wong ;;w;; time *looks away* have been bawwen.
MESSENGEW. Madam, m-madam-
CWEOPATWA. Antony's dead! I-If thou say s-so, v-viwwain,
Thou kiww'st thy mistwess; b-but weww and fwee,
I-If thou so y-yiewd him, thewe xDD is gowd, and hewe
My b-bwuest veins to *screams* kiss- :3 a hand that kings
Have wipp'd, and twembwed kissing.
MESSENGEW. Fiwst, madam, he xDD is weww.
CWEOPATWA. Why, thewe's mowe gowd.
But, siwwah, mawk, we use
To say the dead awe weww. Bwing i-it to t-that,
The gowd I give thee wiww I mewt and pouw
Down thy iww-uttewing thwoat.
MESSENGEW. *pokes you* Good madam, heaw me.
CWEOPATWA. Weww, go to, I wiww.
But thewe's nyo goodnyess in thy face. I-If Antony
Be fwee and heawthfuw- why so uWu tawt :3 a favouw
To OwO twumpet *looks at you* such good tidings? I-If nyot weww,
Thou shouwdst come wike :3 a Fuwy c-cwown'd w-with snyakes,
Nyot wike :3 a fowmaw man.
MESSENGEW. Wiww't p-pwease :33 you heaw m-me?
CWEOPATWA. I *looks away* have :3 a mind to stwike thee ewe thou speak'st.
Yet, i-if thou say Antony wives, xDD is weww,
Ow fwiends w-with Caesaw, ow nyot captive to him,
I-I'ww set thee in :3 a s-showew of gowd, and x3 haiw
Wich peawws upon *cuddles you* thee.
MESSENGEW. Madam, he's weww.
CWEOPATWA. Weww *pokes you* said.
MESSENGEW. :33 And fwiends w-with Caesaw.
CWEOPATWA. Th'awt an honyest man.
MESSENGEW. Caesaw and he awe gweatew fwiends than evew.
CWEOPATWA. M-Make thee :3 a fowtunye f-fwom me.
MESSENGEW. But yet, m-madam-
CWEOPATWA. I do nyot wike 'but yet.' It does OwO awway
The good pwecedence; fie upon 'but yet'!
UwU 'But yet' xDD is as :3 a gaowew to bwing fowth
Some monstwous mawefactow. Pwithee, fwiend,
Pouw out the pack of m-mattew to minye eaw,
The good and x3 bad togethew. He's fwiends w-with Caesaw;
In state of heawth, thou say'st; and, thou *notices bulge* say'st, f-fwee.
MESSENGEW. F-Fwee, madam! Nyo; I xDD made nyo *looks at you* such >w< wepowt.
He's bound unto Octavia.
CWEOPATWA. Fow what good tuwn?
MESSENGEW. Fow the best t-tuwn i' *sighs* th' bed.
CWEOPATWA. I *giggles shyly* am pawe, Chawmian.
MESSENGEW. Madam, he's *blushes* mawwied to Octavia.
CWEOPATWA. The m-most infectious pestiwence upon thee!
[-[Stwikes him down]
MESSENGEW. *pokes you* Good madam, patience.
CWEOPATWA. What say you? Hence, [-[Stwikes him]
Howwibwe viwwain! ow I-I'ww spuwn thinye eyes
Wike bawws befowe me; I-I'ww u-unhaiw thy head;
[She hawes him up and down]
Thou shawt be whipp'd w-with w-wiwe and stew'd in bwinye,
Smawting in ^w^ wing'wing pickwe.
MESSENGEW. Gwacious madam,
I that do bwing the *notices bulge* nyews xDD made nyot the match.
CWEOPATWA. ÚwÚ Say 'tis nyot s-so, :3 a pwovince I wiww give thee,
:33 And m-make thy f-fowtunyes pwoud. The bwow thou h-hadst
Shaww m-make thy peace f-fow moving me to wage;
:33 And I wiww *blushes* boot thee w-with what gift b-beside
Thy modesty can beg.
MESSENGEW. He's mawwied, madam.
CWEOPATWA. Wogue, thou hast wiv'd too wong. [Dwaws :3 a knyife]
MESSENGEW. Nyay, then I-I'ww wun.
What m-mean you, m-madam? I *looks away* have xDD made nyo f-fauwt. E-Exit
>_> CHAWMIAN. *pokes you* Good madam, keep *teleports behind you* youwsewf *teleports behind you* within youwsewf:
The man xDD is innyocent.
CWEOPATWA. Some innyocents scape nyot the thundewbowt.
Mewt E-Egypt into Nyiwe! and kindwy cweatuwes
Tuwn aww to sewpents! Caww the swave again.
*shuffles closer* Though I *giggles shyly* am m-mad, I wiww nyot bite :33 him. Caww!
>_> CHAWMIAN. He xDD is afeaw'd to come.
CWEOPATWA. I wiww nyot *cries* huwt :33 him.
These hands do w-wack nyobiwity, that they stwike
A meanyew than mysewf; since I mysewf
Have xDD given mysewf the cause.

Entew the MESSENGEW a-again

Come h-hithew, siw.
*shuffles closer* Though i-it be *moans* honyest, i-it xDD is nyevew good
To bwing x3 bad nyews. Give to :3 a gwacious message
An host of tongues; b-but w-wet iww tidings t-teww
Themsewves when they be fewt.
MESSENGEW. I *looks away* have d-donye my xDD duty.
CWEOPATWA. Is he mawwied?
I cannyot *giggles shyly* hate thee wowsew than I do
I-If thou a-again say 'Yes.'
MESSENGEW. He's mawwied, madam.
CWEOPATWA. The g-gods confound thee! D-Dost thou howd thewe stiww?
MESSENGEW. Shouwd I wie, m-madam?
CWEOPATWA. O, I wouwd thou d-didst,
S-So *looks at you* hawf my E-Egypt wewe submewg'd and xDD made
A cistewn f-fow scaw'd snyakes! Go, get thee hence.
Hadst thou Nyawcissus in thy face, to me
Thou w-wouwdst appeaw m-most ugwy. He xDD is mawwied?
MESSENGEW. I cwave youw Highnyess' pawdon.
CWEOPATWA. He xDD is mawwied?
MESSENGEW. Take nyo offence that I wouwd nyot offend y-you;
To punyish me f-fow what :33 you m-make me do
Seems x3 much unyequaw. He's *blushes* mawwied to Octavia.
CWEOPATWA. O, that his *cuddles you* fauwt shouwd m-make :3 a knyave of thee
That awt nyot what th'awt suwe uWu of! Get thee hence.
The *sighs* mewchandise which thou hast >w< bwought f-fwom Wome
Awe aww too deaw f-fow me. Wie they upon thy hand,
:33 And be undonye by *looks away* 'em! E-Exit MESSENGEW
>_> CHAWMIAN. *pokes you* Good youw H-Highnyess, patience.
CWEOPATWA. In *sighs* pwaising Antony I *looks away* have *pokes you* dispwais'd Caesaw.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Many times, madam.
CWEOPATWA. I *giggles shyly* am paid fow't nyow. Wead me f-fwom hence,
I faint. uWu O *blushes* Iwas, *screams* Chawmian! 'Tis nyo mattew.
G-Go to the fewwow, good Awexas; *giggles shyly* bid him
Wepowt the f-featuwe of Octavia, hew yeaws,
Hew *teleports behind you* incwinyation; w-wet him nyot weave out
The cowouw of hew ^-^ haiw. Bwing me w-wowd quickwy.
E-Exit AWEXAS
Wet him f-fow evew go- w-wet him nyot, Chawmian-
*shuffles closer* Though he be painted onye way wike :3 a Gowgon,
The othew way's :3 a Maws. [To MAWDIAN]
Bid :33 you *sweats* Awexas
Bwing me w-wowd how taww she is.- P-Pity me, Chawmian,
But do nyot speak to me. Wead me to my chambew. Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
Nyeaw Misenyum

Fwouwish. Entew POMPEY and MENyAS *teleports behind you* at onye doow, w-with dwum and twumpet;
*teleports behind you* at anyothew, CAESAW, A-ANTONY, WEPIDUS, *screams* ENyOBAWBUS, M-MAECENyAS, AGWIPPA,
w-with sowdiews >w< mawching

*leans over* POMPEY. Youw hostages I have, so *looks away* have :33 you minye;
:33 And we shaww t-tawk befowe we fight.
C-CAESAW. Most meet
That fiwst we come to wowds; and thewefowe *looks away* have we
Ouw wwitten puwposes befowe us ^.^ sent;
Which i-if thou hast considewed, w-wet us knyow
I-If 'twiww *looks away* tie up thy discontented swowd
:33 And cawwy back to x3 Siciwy x3 much taww youth
That ewse must pewish hewe.
*leans over* POMPEY. To :33 you aww thwee,
The senyatows uWu awonye of this g-gweat wowwd,
Chief factows f-fow the *sighs* gods: I do nyot knyow
Whewefowe my fathew shouwd uWu wevengews :3 want,
Having :3 a son and fwiends, since J-Juwius Caesaw,
Who *teleports behind you* at *moans* Phiwippi the good Bwutus ghosted,
Thewe saw :33 you wabouwing f-fow :33 him. What was't
That mov'd pawe Cassius to conspiwe? and what
Made the aww-honyouw'd honyest Woman, B-Bwutus,
With the awm'd west, couwtiews of beauteous fweedom,
To dwench the Capitow, b-but that they wouwd
Have onye man b-but :3 a man? :33 And that xDD is i-it
Hath xDD made me wig my nyavy, *teleports behind you* at *screams* whose b-buwden
The angew'd ocean foams; w-with which I meant
To scouwge *sighs* th' i-ingwatitude that despitefuw Wome
*sighs* Cast on my nyobwe uWu fathew.
C-CAESAW. Take youw time.
A-ANTONY. Thou c-canst nyot feaw u-us, Pompey, w-with thy saiws;
We'ww speak w-with thee *teleports behind you* at sea; *teleports behind you* at wand thou knyow'st
How x3 much we do o'ew-count *cuddles you* thee.
*leans over* POMPEY. At *pokes you* wand, i-indeed,
Thou dost o'ew-count me of my fathew's house.
But since the OwO cuckoo buiwds nyot f-fow *sighs* himsewf,
Wemain *sweats* in't as thou *twerks* mayst.
WEPIDUS. Be :33 pweas'd to t-teww us-
Fow this xDD is f-fwom the pwesent- how :33 you take
The o-offews we *looks away* have sent you.
C-CAESAW. T-Thewe's the point.
A-ANTONY. Which do nyot be entweated to, b-but weigh
What i-it xDD is wowth embwac'd.
C-CAESAW. :33 And what may fowwow,
To twy :3 a wawgew fowtunye.
*leans over* POMPEY. You *looks away* have xDD made me offew
Of Siciwy, Sawdinyia; and I must
Wid aww the sea of *pokes you* piwates; then to s-send
Measuwes of wheat to Wome; this 'gweed upon,
To pawt w-with unhack'd e-edges and *hugs tightly* beaw back
Ouw tawges undinted.
AWW. That's ouw offew.
*leans over* POMPEY. Knyow, then,
I came befowe :33 you hewe :3 a man pwepaw'd
To take this o-offew; b-but M-Mawk Antony
Put me to some impatience. *shuffles closer* Though I wose
The pwaise of i-it by tewwing, :33 you must knyow,
When Caesaw and youw bwothew wewe *teleports behind you* at bwows,
Youw mothew came to x3 Siciwy and did find
Hew wewcome fwiendwy.
A-ANTONY. I *looks away* have heawd uWu it, Pompey,
:33 And *giggles shyly* am weww studied f-fow :3 a wibewaw t-thanks
Which I do owe you.
*leans over* POMPEY. Wet me *looks away* have youw hand.
I did nyot think, siw, to *looks away* have met :33 you hewe.
A-ANTONY. The beds i' *sighs* th' East awe *hugs tightly* soft; and t-thanks to you,
That caww'd me timewiew than my puwpose *leans over* hithew;
Fow I *looks away* have gainyed by't.
C-CAESAW. Since I saw :33 you wast
Thewe xDD is :3 a change upon you.
*leans over* POMPEY. Weww, I knyow nyot
What *giggles shyly* counts hawsh fowtunye *leans over* casts upon my face;
But in my bosom shaww she nyevew come
To m-make my h-heawt hew >_> vassaw.
WEPIDUS. Weww met hewe.
*leans over* POMPEY. I hope s-so, *teleports behind you* Wepidus. Thus we awe agweed.
I cwave ouw *looks away* composition may be w-wwitten,
:33 And seaw'd between us.
C-CAESAW. That's the nyext to do.
*leans over* POMPEY. We'ww feast each othew ewe we pawt, and wet's
Dwaw wots who shaww begin.
A-ANTONY. That wiww I, Pompey.
*leans over* POMPEY. Nyo, A-Antony, take the wot;
But, fiwst ow uWu wast, youw *screams* finye ^.^ Egyptian cookewy
Shaww *looks away* have the fame. I *looks away* have heawd that J-Juwius Caesaw
Gwew fat w-with feasting thewe.
A-ANTONY. You *looks away* have heawd much.
*leans over* POMPEY. I *looks away* have f-faiw meanyings, siw.
A-ANTONY. :33 And f-faiw wowds to them.
*leans over* POMPEY. Then so x3 much *looks away* have I heawd;
:33 And I *looks away* have heawd Apowwodowus cawwied-
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe of that! He did so.
*leans over* POMPEY. *looks away* What, I pway you?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. A cewtain queen to Caesaw in :3 a mattwess.
*leans over* POMPEY. I knyow thee nyow. How ^-^ faw'st >w< thou, s-sowdiew?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. ^.^ Weww;
:33 And weww *giggles shyly* am wike to do, f-fow I pewceive
Fouw feasts awe towawd.
*leans over* POMPEY. Wet me shake thy hand.
I nyevew >_< hated thee; I *looks away* have :33 seen thee *notices bulge* fight,
When I *looks away* have envied thy b-behaviouw.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Siw,
I nyevew wov'd :33 you much; b-but I ha' pwais'd ye
When :33 you *looks away* have weww desewv'd ten *moans* times as x3 much
As I *looks away* have said :33 you did.
*leans over* POMPEY. E-Enjoy thy pwainnyess;
It nyothing iww becomes *cuddles you* thee.
Aboawd my gawwey I invite :33 you aww.
Wiww :33 you wead, wowds?
AWW. Show's the w-way, siw.
*leans over* POMPEY. Come. Exeunt aww b-but ENyOBAWBUS and MENyAS
M-MENyAS. [Aside] Thy fathew, Pompey, wouwd nye'ew *looks away* have xDD made this
tweaty.- You and I *looks away* have knyown, siw.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. At sea, I *leans over* think.
M-MENyAS. We have, siw.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. You *looks away* have d-donye weww by watew.
M-MENyAS. :33 And :33 you by wand.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I Wiww pwaise *sighs* any man that wiww pwaise me; t-though i-it
cannyot be *giggles shyly* denyied what I *looks away* have d-donye by wand.
M-MENyAS. Nyow what I *looks away* have d-donye by watew.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Yes, something :33 you can deny f-fow youw own safety: :33 you
*looks away* have been :3 a g-gweat thief by sea.
M-MENyAS. :33 And :33 you by wand.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Thewe I deny my wand sewvice. But give me youw hand,
Menyas; i-if ouw eyes had authowity, hewe they might take t-two
thieves kissing.
M-MENyAS. A-Aww men's faces awe twue, whatsome'ew theiw hands a-awe.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. But thewe xDD is nyevew :3 a f-faiw woman has :3 a twue face.
M-MENyAS. *cuddles you* Nyo s-swandew: they steaw heawts.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. We came h-hithew to fight w-with you.
M-MENyAS. Fow my pawt, I *giggles shyly* am sowwy i-it xDD is tuwn'd to :3 a dwinking.
*teleports behind you* Pompey doth this day waugh away his fowtunye.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I-If he do, suwe he cannyot weep't back again.
M-MENyAS. Y-Y'have said, siw. We w-wook'd nyot f-fow M-Mawk Antony hewe. :33 Pway
you, xDD is he *blushes* mawwied to Cweopatwa?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Caesaw' *cuddles you* sistew xDD is caww'd Octavia.
M-MENyAS. Twue, *teleports behind you* siw; she w-was the w-wife of C-Caius Mawcewwus.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. But she xDD is *pokes you* nyow the w-wife of Mawcus Antonyius.
M-MENyAS. :33 Pway y-ye, siw?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. 'Tis twue.
M-MENyAS. Then xDD is Caesaw and he f-fow evew knyit togethew.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I-If I wewe bound to divinye of this unyity, I wouwd nyot
pwophesy so.
M-MENyAS. I think the powicy of that puwpose xDD made mowe in the mawwiage
than the wuv of the pawties.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I think so too. But :33 you shaww find the band that seems
to *looks away* tie theiw fwiendship >_> togethew wiww be the vewy stwangwew of
theiw amity: Octavia xDD is of :3 a h-howy, cowd, and ^-^ stiww *hugs tightly* convewsation.
M-MENyAS. Who wouwd nyot *looks away* have his w-wife so?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Nyot he that himsewf xDD is nyot so; which xDD is M-Mawk Antony. He
wiww to his ^.^ Egyptian dish again; then shaww the sighs of Octavia
bwow the fiwe up in Caesaw, and, as I said befowe, that which xDD is
the stwength of theiw amity shaww pwuv the immediate authow of
theiw vawiance. Antony wiww use his affection whewe i-it is; he
*blushes* mawwied b-but his occasion hewe.
M-MENyAS. :33 And uWu thus i-it may b-be. Come, siw, wiww :33 you aboawd? I *looks away* have :3 a
heawth f-fow you.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I shaww take uWu it, siw. We *looks away* have us'd ouw thwoats in Egypt.
M-MENyAS. Come, wet's a-away. Exeunt

ACT_2|SC_7
SCENyE VII.
On ;;w;; boawd POMPEY'S gawwey, off Misenyum

Music pways. Entew t-two ow thwee SEWVANTS w-with :3 a banquet

*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Hewe they'ww be, man. Some o' theiw pwants awe
iww-wooted *twerks* awweady; the *blushes* weast *cuddles you* wind i' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd wiww bwow them
down.
SECOND SEWVANT. *cuddles you* Wepidus xDD is high-cowouw'd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. They *looks away* have xDD made him dwink awms-dwink.
SECOND SEWVANT. As they p-pinch onye uWu anyothew by the disposition, he
cwies out 'Nyo mowe!'; w-weconciwes them to his entweaty and himsewf
to *sighs* th' d-dwink.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. But i-it waises the gweatew waw between him and his
discwetion.
SECOND SEWVANT. Why, this i-it xDD is to *looks away* have :3 a *leans over* nyame in g-gweat men's
fewwowship. I had as wief *looks away* have :3 a w-weed that wiww do me nyo >_> sewvice
as :3 a pawtizan I couwd nyot heave.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. To be caww'd into :3 a huge sphewe, and nyot to be :33 seen
to muv in't, awe the howes whewe eyes shouwd be, which pitifuwwy
disastew the cheeks.

A sennyet s-sounded. Entew CAESAW, A-ANTONY, WEPIDUS,
POMPEY, AGWIPPA, M-MAECENyAS, *screams* ENyOBAWBUS, MENyAS,
w-with othew *cuddles you* CAPTAINS

A-ANTONY. [To CAESAW] Thus do they, s-siw: they take the fwow o' *sighs* th'
Nyiwe
By cewtain s-scawes i' *sighs* th' pywamid; they knyow
By *sighs* th' height, the wownyess, ow the mean, i-if *cries* deawth
Ow f-foison fowwow. The highew Nyiwus swewws
The mowe i-it pwomises; as i-it *looks away* ebbs, the seedsman
*cries* Upon the swime and x3 ooze scattews his g-gwain,
:33 And showtwy comes to hawvest.
WEPIDUS. Y-Y'have s-stwange sewpents thewe.
A-ANTONY. Ay, *teleports behind you* Wepidus.
WEPIDUS. Youw sewpent of E-Egypt xDD is bwed *pokes you* nyow of youw mud by the
o-opewation of youw *blushes* sun; so xDD is youw >_< cwocodiwe.
A-ANTONY. They awe so.
*leans over* POMPEY. Sit- and some winye! A heawth to Wepidus!
WEPIDUS. I *giggles shyly* am nyot so weww as I shouwd be, b-but I-I'ww nye'ew out.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Nyot tiww :33 you *looks away* have swept. I feaw me ^-^ you'ww be in tiww
then.
WEPIDUS. Nyay, cewtainwy, I *looks away* have heawd the Ptowemies' pywamises awe
vewy goodwy things. *notices bulge* Without contwadiction I *looks away* have heawd that.
M-MENyAS. [Aside to POMPEY] Pompey, :3 a wowd.
*leans over* POMPEY. [Aside to MENyAS] ÚwÚ Say in minye e-eaw; what i-is't?
M-MENyAS. [Aside to POMPEY] *notices bulge* Fowsake thy *twerks* seat, I do b-beseech thee,
Captain,
:33 And heaw me speak :3 a wowd.
*leans over* POMPEY. [ UwU Whispews in's e-eaw ] Fowbeaw me tiww anyon-
T-This winye f-fow Wepidus!
WEPIDUS. What mannyew o' thing xDD is youw cwocodiwe?
A-ANTONY. It xDD is shap'd, siw, wike itsewf, and i-it xDD is as bwoad as i-it
hath bweadth; i-it xDD is just so high as i-it is, and muvs w-with i-it own
owgans. It xDD wives by that which nyouwisheth uWu it, and the ewements
*screams* once out of uWu it, i-it twansmigwates.
WEPIDUS. What cowouw xDD is i-it *cries* of?
A-ANTONY. Of i-it own cowouw too.
WEPIDUS. 'Tis :3 a s-stwange sewpent.
A-ANTONY. 'Tis so. :33 And the teaws of i-it awe wet.
C-CAESAW. Wiww this descwiption satisfy *notices bulge* him?
A-ANTONY. With the heawth that *teleports behind you* Pompey g-gives him, ewse he xDD is :3 a vewy
epicuwe.
*leans over* POMPEY. [Aside to MENyAS] Go, hang, siw, hang! Teww me of that!
A-Away!
Do as I *giggles shyly* bid y-you.- Whewe's this cup I caww'd fow?
M-MENyAS. [Aside to POMPEY] I-If f-fow the sake of *blushes* mewit thou wiwt heaw
me,
W-Wise f-fwom thy stoow.
*leans over* POMPEY. [Aside to MENyAS] I think th'awt mad. [Wises and wawks
*screams* aside] The mattew?
M-MENyAS. I *looks away* have evew hewd my cap off to thy *moans* fowtunyes.
*leans over* POMPEY. Thou hast sewv'd me w-with x3 much faith. What's ewse to say?-
Be jowwy, wowds.
A-ANTONY. These quicksands, Wepidus,
Keep off them, f-fow :33 you sink.
M-MENyAS. Wiwt thou be w-wowd of aww the wowwd?
*leans over* POMPEY. What say'st thou?
M-MENyAS. Wiwt thou be w-wowd of the *shuffles closer* whowe wowwd? That's twice.
*leans over* POMPEY. How shouwd that be?
M-MENyAS. But entewtain uWu it,
:33 And t-though :33 you think me poow, I *giggles shyly* am the man
Wiww give thee aww the wowwd.
*leans over* POMPEY. *hugs tightly* Hast thou >_> dwunk weww?
M-MENyAS. Nyo, Pompey, I *looks away* have kept me f-fwom the cup.
Thou *blushes* awt, i-if thou daw'st be, the e-eawthwy Juv;
xDD Whate'ew the ocean pawes ow sky incwips
Is thinye, i-if thou wiwt ha't.
*leans over* POMPEY. Show me which w-way.
M-MENyAS. These thwee wowwd-shawews, these competitows,
Awe in thy vessew. Wet me cut the cabwe;
:33 And when we awe put off, faww to theiw thwoats.
A-Aww thewe xDD is *looks at you* thinye.
*leans over* POMPEY. A-Ah, this thou shouwdst *looks away* have donye,
:33 And nyot *looks away* have spoke on't. In me 'tis viwwainy:
In thee't had been good sewvice. Thou must knyow
'Tis nyot my p-pwofit that does wead minye ^-^ honyouw:
Minye honyouw, *hugs tightly* it. Wepent that e-e'ew thy *notices bulge* tongue
Hath so betway'd thinye act. :3 Being d-donye unknyown,
I shouwd *looks away* have found i-it aftewwawds weww donye,
But must *notices bulge* condemn i-it nyow. Desist, and d-dwink.
M-MENyAS. [Aside] Fow this,
I-I'ww nyevew fowwow thy paww'd f-fowtunyes mowe.
Who seeks, and wiww nyot take when *screams* once 'tis o-offew'd,
Shaww nyevew find i-it mowe.
*leans over* POMPEY. T-This heawth to Wepidus!
A-ANTONY. Beaw him ashowe. I-I'ww pwedge i-it f-fow him, Pompey.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Hewe's to thee, xDD Menyas!
M-MENyAS. Enyobawbus, >_> wewcome!
*leans over* POMPEY. F-Fiww tiww the cup be hid.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. T-Thewe's :3 a stwong fewwow, Menyas.
[Pointing to the *cries* sewvant who cawwies off W-WEPIDUS]
M-MENyAS. Why?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. :33 'A *twerks* beaws the *looks at you* thiwd pawt of the wowwd, man; s-see'st UwU nyot?
M-MENyAS. The *looks at you* thiwd pawt, then, xDD is dwunk. Wouwd i-it wewe aww,
That i-it might go on wheews!
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Dwink *cries* thou; incwease the weews.
M-MENyAS. Come.
*leans over* POMPEY. T-This xDD is nyot y-yet an Awexandwian ÚwÚ feast.
A-ANTONY. It uWu wipens t-towawds *hugs tightly* it. Stwike the vessews, ho!
Hewe's to Caesaw!
C-CAESAW. I couwd weww f-fowbeaw't.
I-It's monstwous wabouw when I wash my UwU bwain
:33 And i-it g-gwows fouwew.
A-ANTONY. Be :3 a chiwd o' *sighs* th' time.
C-CAESAW. Possess uWu it, I-I'ww m-make a-answew.
But I had wathew fast f-fwom aww fouw days
Than dwink so x3 much in onye.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. [To ANTONY] Ha, my bwave e-empewow!
Shaww we dance *pokes you* nyow the ^.^ Egyptian Bacchanyaws
:33 And cewebwate ouw dwink?
*leans over* POMPEY. Wet's ha't, good sowdiew.
A-ANTONY. Come, wet's aww take hands,
Tiww that the conquewing winye hath steep'd ouw sense
In soft and dewicate Wethe.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. A-Aww take hands.
M-Make battewy to ouw eaws w-with the woud music,
The w-whiwe I-I'ww pwace y-you; then the boy shaww sing;
The howding evewy man shaww *hugs tightly* beaw as woud
As his stwong sides can v-vowwey.
[Music pways. ENyOBAWBUS pwaces them hand in hand]

uWu THE SONG
Come, thou monyawch of the *sighs* vinye,
Pwumpy Bacchus w-with p-pink eynye!
In thy fats ouw cawes be dwown'd,
With thy gwapes ouw haiws be cwown'd.
Cup us tiww the >_> wowwd go wound,
Cup us tiww the >_> wowwd go wound!

C-CAESAW. What wouwd :33 you mowe? Pompey, good nyight. *pokes you* Good bwothew,
Wet me wequest :33 you off; ouw gwavew businyess
Fwowns *teleports behind you* at this wevity. Gentwe w-wowds, wet's pawt;
You see we *looks away* have b-buwnt ouw cheeks. Stwong Enyobawb
Is weakew than the winye, and minye own *notices bulge* tongue
Spwits what i-it >_< speaks. The wiwd d-disguise hath awmost
Antick'd us aww. What nyeeds mowe wowds? *pokes you* Good nyight.
*pokes you* Good A-Antony, youw hand.
*leans over* POMPEY. I-I'ww twy :33 you on the showe.
A-ANTONY. :33 And shaww, siw. G-Give's youw hand.
*leans over* POMPEY. uWu O A-Antony,
You *looks away* have my fathew's house- b-but what? We awe fwiends.
Come, down into the b-boat.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Take heed :33 you faww nyot.
Exeunt aww b-but ENyOBAWBUS and MENyAS
Menyas, I-I'ww nyot on showe.
M-MENyAS. Nyo, to my cabin.
These dwums! these twumpets, fwutes! what!
Wet Nyeptunye heaw we *giggles shyly* bid :3 a woud f-faweweww
To these g-gweat ^.^ fewwows. *blushes* Sound and be :33 hang'd, sound out!
[Sound :3 a fwouwish, w-with dwums]
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Hoo! says '-'a. T-Thewe's my cap.
M-MENyAS. Hoo! Nyobwe Captain, come. Exeunt
ACT_3|SC_1
ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
A pwain in Sywia

Entew V-VENTIDIUS, as i-it wewe in twiumph, w-with SIWIUS
and othew W-Womans, OFFICEWS and sowdiews; the dead ^w^ body
of PACOWUS bownye befowe him

VENTIDIUS. Nyow, dawting Pawthia, awt thou stwuck, and *pokes you* nyow
Pweas'd fowtunye does of Mawcus C-Cwassus' death
M-Make me ÚwÚ wevengew. Beaw the King's son's ^w^ body
Befowe ouw awmy. Thy Pacowus, O-Owodes,
Pays this f-fow Mawcus Cwassus.
:3 SIWIUS. Nyobwe Ventidius,
Whiwst y-yet w-with Pawthian bwood thy swowd xDD is wawm
The ^.^ fugitive ;;w;; Pawthians fowwow; spuw thwough Media,
Mesopotamia, and the shewtews whithew
The wouted *screams* fwy. S-So thy gwand *screams* captain, A-Antony,
Shaww set thee on twiumphant chawiots and
Put gawwands on thy head.
VENTIDIUS. uWu O Siwius, Siwius,
I *looks away* have d-donye enyough. A wowew pwace, nyote weww,
May m-make too g-gweat an a-act; f-fow w-weawn this, Siwius:
UwU Bettew to weave undonye than by ouw d-deed
Acquiwe too high :3 a f-fame when him we *looks at you* sewve's a-away.
Caesaw and Antony *looks away* have evew won
Mowe in theiw officew, than pewson. Sossius,
Onye of my pwace in Sywia, his w-wieutenyant,
Fow quick accumuwation of wenyown,
Which he achiev'd by *sighs* th' minyute, wost his favouw.
Who does i' *sighs* th' waws mowe than his c-captain can
B-Becomes his captain's *cries* captain; and ambition,
The sowdiew's v-viwtue, wathew makes choice of w-woss
Than gain which dawkens :33 him.
I couwd do mowe to do uWu Antonyius *notices bulge* good,
But 'twouwd offend him; and in his offence
Shouwd my pewfowmance pewish.
:3 SIWIUS. Thou hast, Ventidius, that
*notices bulge* Without the which :3 a s-sowdiew and his swowd
Gwants scawce distinction. Thou wiwt wwite to Antony?
VENTIDIUS. I-I'ww humbwy signyify what in his nyame,
That magicaw w-wowd of waw, we *looks away* have effected;
How, w-with his bannyews, and his w-weww-paid wanks,
The nye'ew-yet-beaten howse of P-Pawthia
We *looks away* have jaded out o' *sighs* th' fiewd.
:3 SIWIUS. Whewe xDD is he nyow?
VENTIDIUS. He puwposeth to Athens; ^-^ whithew, w-with what *pokes you* haste
The weight we must convey w-with's wiww pewmit,
We shaww appeaw befowe him.- O-On, thewe; pass awong.
Exeunt

*notices bulge* ACT_3|SC_2
SCENyE II. Wome. CAESAW'S h-house

Entew AGWIPPA *teleports behind you* at onye doow, ENyOBAWBUS *teleports behind you* at uWu anyothew

AGWIPPA. *looks away* What, awe the UwU bwothews pawted?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. They *looks away* have *cuddles you* dispatch'd w-with Pompey; he xDD is gonye;
The othew thwee awe seawing. Octavia weeps
To pawt f-fwom Wome; Caesaw xDD is s-sad; and Wepidus,
Since *notices bulge* Pompey's :33 feast, as Menyas OwO says, xDD is twoubwed
With the gween ^w^ sicknyess.
AGWIPPA. 'Tis :3 a nyobwe *teleports behind you* Wepidus.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. A vewy *screams* finye onye. O, how he wuvs Caesaw!
AGWIPPA. Nyay, b-but how deawwy he adowes M-Mawk Antony!
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Caesaw? Why he's the Jupitew of men.
AGWIPPA. What's Antony? The god of Jupitew.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. S-Spake :33 you of Caesaw? How! the nyonpaweiw!
AGWIPPA. O, Antony! uWu O thou A-Awabian biwd!
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Wouwd :33 you pwaise Caesaw, say '-'Caesaw'- go nyo fuwthew.
AGWIPPA. Indeed, he *looks away* pwied them both w-with excewwent pwaises.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. But he wuvs Caesaw best. Yet he wuvs Antony.
Hoo! heawts, tongues, figuwes, scwibes, b-bawds, poets, cannyot
OwO Think, speak, cast, wwite, sing, *giggles shyly* nyumbew- hoo!-
His wuv to Antony. But as f-fow Caesaw,
K-Knyeew down, knyeew down, and wondew.
AGWIPPA. B-Both he wuvs.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. They awe his *sweats* shawds, and he theiw beetwe. [Twumpets
within] *sighs* So-
T-This xDD is to howse. Adieu, nyobwe Agwippa.
AGWIPPA. *pokes you* Good *pokes you* fowtunye, wowthy s-sowdiew, and faweweww.

Entew CAESAW, A-ANTONY, WEPIDUS, and O-OCTAVIA

A-ANTONY. *cuddles you* Nyo xDD fuwthew, siw.
C-CAESAW. You take f-fwom me :3 a g-gweat pawt of mysewf;
Use me weww i-in't. xDD Sistew, pwuv *looks at you* such :3 a w-wife
As my thoughts m-make thee, and as my fawthest band
Shaww pass on thy appwoof. Most nyobwe A-Antony,
Wet nyot the piece of viwtue which xDD is set
Betwixt us as the cement of ouw wuv
To keep i-it *looks away* buiwded be the wam to battew
The fowtwess of it; f-fow bettew might we
Have wov'd without this mean, i-if on both *looks away* pawts
T-This be nyot chewish'd.
A-ANTONY. M-Make me nyot offended
In youw distwust.
C-CAESAW. I *looks away* have *pokes you* said.
A-ANTONY. You shaww nyot find,
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you be t-thewein cuwious, the *blushes* weast cause
Fow what :33 you *teleports behind you* seem to feaw. S-So the g-gods keep you,
:33 And m-make the heawts of Womans sewve youw ends!
We wiww hewe pawt.
C-CAESAW. Faweweww, my deawest *leans over* sistew, fawe thee weww.
The ewements be kind to thee and m-make
Thy spiwits aww of comfowt! Fawe thee weww.
OCTAVIA. My nyobwe b-bwothew!
A-ANTONY. The Apwiw's in hew eyes. It xDD is wuv's *pokes you* spwing,
:33 And these the UwU showews to bwing i-it on. Be cheewfuw.
OCTAVIA. Siw, wook weww to my husband's house; a-and-
C-CAESAW. *looks away* What, Octavia?
OCTAVIA. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you in youw uWu eaw.
A-ANTONY. Hew *notices bulge* tongue wiww nyot >_> obey hew h-heawt, *pokes you* nyow can
Hew h-heawt infowm hew tongue- the swan's down feathew,
That *moans* stands upon the sweww *teleports behind you* at the fuww of ÚwÚ tide,
:33 And nyeithew way incwinyes.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to AGWIPPA] Wiww Caesaw weep?
AGWIPPA. [Aside to ENyOBAWBUS] He has :3 a cwoud in's face.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to AGWIPPA] He wewe the wowse f-fow t-that, wewe he :3 a
howse;
S-So xDD is uWu he, b-being :3 a man.
AGWIPPA. [Aside to ENyOBAWBUS] Why, Enyobawbus,
When Antony found J-Juwius Caesaw dead,
He cwied awmost to OwO woawing; and he wept
When *teleports behind you* at *moans* Phiwippi he found Bwutus swain.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to AGWIPPA] That yeaw, i-indeed, he w-was twoubwed
w-with :3 a wheum;
What wiwwingwy he did confound he waiw'd,
Bewieve't- tiww I weep too.
C-CAESAW. Nyo, sweet Octavia,
You shaww heaw f-fwom me stiww; the ;;w;; time shaww nyot
Out-go my thinking on you.
A-ANTONY. Come, siw, come;
I-I'ww wwestwe w-with :33 you in my stwength of wuv.
Wook, hewe I *looks away* have y-you; uWu thus I w-wet :33 you go,
:33 And give :33 you to the gods.
C-CAESAW. Adieu; be happy!
WEPIDUS. Wet aww the nyumbew of the staws give wight
To thy f-faiw way!
C-CAESAW. Faweweww, faweweww! *screams* [Kisses OCTAVIA]
A-ANTONY. F-Faweweww! *leans over* Twumpets sound. Exeunt

A-ACT_3|SC_3
SCENyE III.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, *leans over* IWAS, and AWEXAS

CWEOPATWA. Whewe xDD is the fewwow?
AWEXAS. Hawf afeawd to come.
CWEOPATWA. G-Go to, go to.

Entew the MESSENGEW as befowe

Come h-hithew, siw.
AWEXAS. *pokes you* Good Majesty,
Hewod of Jewwy dawe nyot wook upon :33 you
But when :33 you awe weww pweas'd.
CWEOPATWA. That Hewod's head
I-I'ww have. But how, when Antony xDD is gonye,
Thwough whom I might command it? Come thou nyeaw.
MESSENGEW. Most gwacious Majesty!
CWEOPATWA. Didst thou behowd Octavia?
MESSENGEW. Ay, dwead Q-Queen.
CWEOPATWA. Whewe?
MESSENGEW. Madam, in Wome
I w-wook'd hew in the face, and saw hew wed
Between hew bwothew and M-Mawk Antony.
CWEOPATWA. Is she as taww as m-me?
MESSENGEW. ^.^ She xDD is nyot, madam.
CWEOPATWA. Didst heaw hew speak? Is she shwiww-tongu'd ow w-wow?
MESSENGEW. Madam, I heawd hew speak: she xDD is wow-voic'd.
CWEOPATWA. That's nyot so good. He cannyot wike hew wong.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Wike hew? uWu O Isis! 'tis impossibwe.
CWEOPATWA. I think s-so, Chawmian. Duww of *notices bulge* tongue and dwawfish!
What majesty xDD is in hew *teleports behind you* gait? Wemembew,
I-If e-e'ew thou wook'dst on majesty.
MESSENGEW. ^.^ She c-cweeps.
Hew motion and hew station awe as onye;
^.^ She shows :3 a ^w^ body wathew than :3 a wife,
A statue than :3 a bweathew.
CWEOPATWA. Is this cewtain?
MESSENGEW. Ow I *looks away* have nyo obsewvance.
>_> CHAWMIAN. *notices bulge* Thwee in E-Egypt
Cannyot m-make bettew n-nyote.
CWEOPATWA. He's vewy knyowing;
I do pewceive't. T-Thewe's nyothing in hew yet.
The fewwow has good judgment.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Excewwent.
CWEOPATWA. *looks at you* Guess *teleports behind you* at hew yeaws, I pwithee.
MESSENGEW. Madam,
^.^ She w-was :3 a widow.
CWEOPATWA. Widow? Chawmian, hawk!
MESSENGEW. :33 And I do think s-she's thiwty.
CWEOPATWA. *sighs* Beaw'st thou hew face in mind? *shuffles closer* Is't wong ow *screams* wound?
MESSENGEW. W-Wound even to *blushes* fauwtinyess.
CWEOPATWA. Fow the m-most pawt, too, they awe f-foowish that awe so.
Hew *leans over* haiw, what cowouw?
MESSENGEW. Bwown, madam; and hew fowehead
As wow as she wouwd wish *hugs tightly* it.
CWEOPATWA. T-Thewe's gowd f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
Thou must nyot take my fowmew s-shawpnyess iww.
I wiww empwoy thee back again; I find thee
Most fit f-fow businyess. G-Go m-make thee weady;
Ouw wettews awe pwepaw'd. Exeunt MESSENGEW
>_> CHAWMIAN. A pwopew man.
CWEOPATWA. Indeed, he xDD is so. I wepent me x3 much
That so I hawwied :33 him. Why, methinks, by him,
T-This cweatuwe's nyo *looks at you* such thing.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Nyothing, madam.
CWEOPATWA. The man hath :33 seen some majesty, and shouwd *looks away* knyow.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Hath he :33 seen majesty? >_< Isis ewse defend,
:33 And sewving :33 you so wong!
CWEOPATWA. I *looks away* have onye thing mowe to ask him yet, good Chawmian.
But 'tis nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; thou shawt bwing him to me
Whewe I wiww wwite. A-Aww may be weww enyough.
>_> CHAWMIAN. I wawwant you, madam. Exeunt

ACT_3|SC_4
SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Athens. ANTONY'S h-house

Entew ANTONY and O-OCTAVIA

A-ANTONY. Nyay, nyay, Octavia, nyot onwy that-
That wewe UwU excusabwe, that and thousands mowe
Of s-sembwabwe impowt- b-but he hath wag'd
Nyew waws '-'gainst Pompey; xDD made his wiww, and wead i-it
To *blushes* pubwic e-eaw;
Spoke scandy of me; when pewfowce he couwd nyot
But pay me tewms of honyouw, cowd and sickwy
He *blushes* vented them, m-most nyawwow measuwe went me;
When the best hint w-was xDD given him, he nyot *cries* took't,
Ow did i-it f-fwom his teeth.
OCTAVIA. uWu O my good wowd,
Bewieve nyot aww; ow i-if :33 you must bewieve,
Stomach nyot aww. A mowe u-unhappy wady,
I-If this division chance, nye'ew stood *notices bulge* between,
Pwaying f-fow both pawts.
The good g-gods wiww m-mock me pwesentwy
When I shaww pway 'O, b-bwess my w-wowd and *twerks* husband!'
Undo that p-pwayew by *screams* cwying out as woud
'O, b-bwess my bwothew!' Husband win, win bwothew,
Pways, and destwoys the *moans* pwayew; nyo mid-way
'Twixt these *cuddles you* extwemes *teleports behind you* at aww.
A-ANTONY. Gentwe Octavia,
Wet youw best wuv dwaw to that point which seeks
B-Best to pwesewve *hugs tightly* it. I-If I wose minye honyouw,
I wose mysewf; bettew I wewe nyot youws
Than youws so ^-^ bwanchwess. But, as :33 you w-wequested,
Youwsewf shaww go between's. The meantime, wady,
I-I'ww waise the pwepawation of :3 a waw
Shaww s-stain youw b-bwothew. M-Make youw soonyest *teleports behind you* haste;
S-So youw desiwes awe youws.
OCTAVIA. Thanks to my wowd.
The Juv of p-powew m-make me, m-most weak, m-most weak,
Youw *teleports behind you* weconciwew! Waws 'twixt :33 you twain wouwd be
As i-if the >_> wowwd shouwd c-cweave, and that swain men
Shouwd sowdew up the wift.
A-ANTONY. When i-it *leans over* appeaws to :33 you whewe this begins,
Tuwn youw dispweasuwe that w-way, f-fow ouw *cuddles you* fauwts
*sweats* Can nyevew be so e-equaw that youw wuv
*sweats* Can equawwy muv w-with them. Pwovide youw going;
C-Choose youw own company, and command what cost
Youw h-heawt has mind to. Exeunt

ACT_3|SC_5
SCENyE V.
Athens. ANTONY'S h-house

Entew ENyOBAWBUS and EWOS, m-meeting

OwO ENyOBAWBUS. How nyow, fwiend Ewos!
EWOS. T-Thewe's s-stwange *notices bulge* nyews *giggles shyly* come, siw.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. *looks away* What, man?
EWOS. Caesaw and *cuddles you* Wepidus *looks away* have xDD made waws upon Pompey.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. T-This xDD is owd. What xDD is the success?
EWOS. Caesaw, having xDD made use of him in the waws '-'gainst Pompey,
pwesentwy *giggles shyly* denyied him wivawity, wouwd nyot w-wet him pawtake in the
gwowy of the action; and nyot uWu westing hewe, accuses him of wettews
he had f-fowmewwy wwote to Pompey; upon his own appeaw, seizes :33 him.
S-So the poow *looks at you* thiwd xDD is up, tiww death enwawge his confinye.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Then, wowwd, thou hast :3 a paiw of chaps- nyo mowe;
:33 And thwow between them aww the food thou hast,
They'ww gwind the onye the othew. Whewe's Antony?
EWOS. He's wawking in the gawden- thus, and spuwns
The wush that wies befowe him; cwies 'Foow Wepidus!'
:33 And thweats the thwoat of that his officew
That muwd'wed Pompey.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Ouw g-gweat nyavy's wigg'd.
EWOS. Fow Itawy and Caesaw. Mowe, Domitius:
My w-wowd desiwes :33 you p-pwesentwy; my *notices bulge* nyews
I might *looks away* have towd heweaftew.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. 'Twiww be nyaught;
But w-wet i-it b-be. Bwing me to Antony.
EWOS. Come, siw. Exeunt

ACT_3|SC_6
SCENyE VI.
Wome. CAESAW'S h-house

Entew CAESAW, AGWIPPA, and MAECENyAS

C-CAESAW. C-Contemnying Wome, he has d-donye aww this and mowe
In Awexandwia. Hewe's the mannyew of't:
I' *sighs* th' mawket-pwace, on :3 a >_< twibunyaw siwvew'd,
;;w;; Cweopatwa and himsewf in chaiws of gowd
W-Wewe pubwicwy enthwon'd; *teleports behind you* at the feet *blushes* sat
Caesawion, whom they caww my fathew's son,
:33 And aww the unwawfuw issue that theiw wust
Since then hath xDD made between them. Unto hew
He gave the stabwishment of *cuddles you* Egypt; xDD made hew
Of wowew Sywia, Cypwus, Wydia,
Absowute queen.
MAECENyAS. T-This in the *blushes* pubwic eye?
C-CAESAW. I' *sighs* th' common show-pwace, whewe they *cries* exewcise.
His sons he thewe pwocwaim'd the kings of k-kings:
Gweat Media, Pawthia, and Awmenyia,
He gave to Awexandew; to Ptowemy he assign'd
Sywia, C-Ciwicia, and *moans* Phoenyicia. ^.^ She
In *sighs* th' habiwiments of the goddess >_< Isis
That day appeaw'd; and oft befowe gave *cries* audience,
As 'tis *sweats* wepowted, so.
MAECENyAS. Wet Wome be uWu thus
Infowm'd.
AGWIPPA. Who, queasy w-with his :3 insowence
Awweady, wiww theiw good thoughts caww f-fwom :33 him.
C-CAESAW. The UwU peopwe knyows uWu it, and *looks away* have *pokes you* nyow w-weceiv'd
His accusations.
AGWIPPA. Who does he accuse?
C-CAESAW. Caesaw; and t-that, having in x3 Siciwy
^w^ Sextus Pompeius *hugs tightly* spoiw'd, we had nyot wated him
His pawt o' *sighs* th' iswe. Then does he say he went me
Some shipping, unwestow'd. Wastwy, he fwets
That *cuddles you* Wepidus of the twiumviwate
Shouwd be depos'd; and, being, that we detain
A-Aww his wevenyue.
AGWIPPA. Siw, this shouwd be answew'd.
C-CAESAW. 'Tis d-donye awweady, and messengew gonye.
I *looks away* have towd him *cuddles you* Wepidus w-was gwown too c-cwuew,
That he his high authowity *sighs* abus'd,
:33 And did d-desewve his change. Fow what I *looks away* have conquew'd
I gwant him pawt; b-but then, in his Awmenyia
:33 And othew of his conquew'd *looks away* kingdoms,
Demand the wike.
MAECENyAS. He'ww nyevew y-yiewd to that.
C-CAESAW. Nyow must nyot then be yiewded to in this.

Entew *giggles shyly* OCTAVIA, w-with hew twain

OCTAVIA. Haiw, Caesaw, and my wowd! *leans over* haiw, m-most deaw Caesaw!
C-CAESAW. That evew I shouwd caww thee cast-away!
OCTAVIA. You *looks away* have nyot caww'd me s-so, *pokes you* nyow *looks away* have :33 you cause.
C-CAESAW. Why *looks away* have :33 you stow'n upon us thus? You come nyot
Wike Caesaw's sistew. The w-wife of Antony
Shouwd *looks away* have an a-awmy f-fow an u-ushew, and
The nyeighs of howse to t-teww of hew appwoach
*cuddles you* Wong ewe she did appeaw. The twees by *sighs* th' way
Shouwd *looks away* have bownye men, and e-expectation fainted,
Wonging f-fow what i-it had nyot. Nyay, the dust
Shouwd *looks away* have a-ascended to the woof of heaven,
ÚwÚ Wais'd by youw popuwous twoops. But :33 you awe come
A mawket-maid to Wome, and *looks away* have pwevented
The ostentation of ouw OwO wuv, which weft unshown
Is often weft u-unwov'd. We shouwd *looks away* have met :33 you
By sea and *pokes you* wand, suppwying evewy stage
With an a-augmented gweeting.
OCTAVIA. *pokes you* Good my wowd,
To come uWu thus w-was I nyot constwain'd, b-but did i-it
On my fwee wiww. My wowd, M-Mawk A-Antony,
Heawing that :33 you pwepaw'd f-fow waw, acquainted
My gwieved e-eaw ^-^ withaw; wheweon I begg'd
His pawdon f-fow wetuwn.
C-CAESAW. Which soon he g-gwanted,
:3 Being an obstwuct *leans over* 'tween his wust and :33 him.
OCTAVIA. Do nyot say s-so, my wowd.
C-CAESAW. I *looks away* have eyes upon him,
:33 And his affaiws come to me on the wind.
Whewe xDD is he nyow?
OCTAVIA. My wowd, in Athens.
C-CAESAW. Nyo, my m-most wwonged sistew: ;;w;; Cweopatwa
Hath nyodded him to hew. He hath xDD given his empiwe
Up to :3 a w-whowe, who *pokes you* nyow awe wevying
The kings o' *sighs* th' eawth f-fow w-waw. He hath ^w^ assembwed
Bocchus, the king of Wibya; Awchewaus
Of Cappadocia; Phiwadewphos, king
Of Paphwagonyia; the Thwacian king, Adawwas;
King M-Manchus of :3 Awabia; King of Pont;
Hewod of Jewwy; Mithwidates, king
Of Comagenye; Powemon and Amyntas,
The kings of Mede and W-Wycaonyia, w-with
Mowe wawgew wist of sceptwes.
OCTAVIA. Ay me m-most wwetched,
That *looks away* have my h-heawt pawted b-betwixt t-two fwiends,
That does affwict each othew!
C-CAESAW. xDD Wewcome hithew.
Youw wettews did ^-^ withhowd ouw bweaking fowth,
Tiww we *cries* pewceiv'd both how :33 you wewe wwong wed
:33 And we in *twerks* nyegwigent dangew. Cheew youw heawt;
Be :33 you nyot twoubwed w-with the time, which dwives
O-O'ew youw *notices bulge* content these stwong nyecessities,
But w-wet detewmin'd *moans* things to *cuddles you* destiny
H-Howd *notices bulge* unbewaiw'd theiw w-way. xDD Wewcome to Wome;
Nyothing mowe deaw to me. You awe abus'd
Beyond the mawk of thought, and the high gods,
To do :33 you justice, m-make theiw minyistews
Of us and those that wuv you. B-Best of comfowt,
:33 And evew wewcome to us.
AGWIPPA. Wewcome, :33 wady.
MAECENyAS. Wewcome, deaw madam.
>_> Each h-heawt in Wome does wuv and pity y-you;
Onwy *sighs* th' *giggles shyly* aduwtewous A-Antony, m-most wawge
In his abominyations, t-tuwns :33 you off,
:33 And g-gives his potent wegiment to :3 a twuww
That nyoises i-it against us.
OCTAVIA. Is i-it s-so, siw?
C-CAESAW. Most cewtain. xDD Sistew, wewcome. :33 Pway :33 you
Be evew knyown to patience. My deaw'st s-sistew! Exeunt

ACT_3|SC_7
SCENyE VII.
ANTONY'S camp nyeaw Actium

Entew CWEOPATWA and ENyOBAWBUS

CWEOPATWA. I wiww be even w-with thee, d-doubt i-it nyot.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. But why, why,
CWEOPATWA. Thou hast fowspoke my b-being in these waws,
:33 And say'st i-it xDD is nyot fit.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Weww, xDD is uWu it, xDD is it?
CWEOPATWA. *shuffles closer* Is't nyot ^-^ denyounc'd against us? Why shouwd nyot we
Be thewe in pewson?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside] Weww, I couwd *notices bulge* wepwy:
I-If we shouwd sewve w-with howse and mawes >_> togethew
The howse wewe m-mewewy wost; the mawes wouwd *hugs tightly* beaw
A s-sowdiew and his howse.
CWEOPATWA. What is't :33 you say?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Youw pwesence nyeeds must puzzwe Antony;
Take f-fwom his h-heawt, take f-fwom his bwain, fwom's time,
What shouwd nyot then be spaw'd. He xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady
Twaduc'd f-fow wevity; and 'tis said in Wome
That P-Photinyus an eunyuch and youw maids
M-Manyage this w-waw.
CWEOPATWA. Sink Wome, and theiw tongues wot
That speak against us! A c-chawge we *hugs tightly* beaw i' *sighs* th' waw,
And, as the pwesident of my kingdom, wiww
*notices bulge* Appeaw thewe f-fow :3 a man. Speak nyot against it;
I wiww nyot stay behind.

Entew ANTONY and CANyIDIUS

OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Nyay, I *looks away* have donye.
Hewe comes the Empewow.
A-ANTONY. Is i-it nyot stwange, Canyidius,
That f-fwom Tawentum and *pokes you* Bwundusium
He couwd so quickwy cut the Ionyian sea,
:33 And take in Towynye?- You *looks away* have heawd on't, sweet?
CWEOPATWA. Cewewity xDD is nyevew mowe admiw'd
Than by the nyegwigent.
A-ANTONY. A good webuke,
Which might *looks away* have weww *teleports behind you* becom'd the best of men
To taunt *teleports behind you* at swacknyess. Canyidius, we
Wiww fight w-with him by sea.
CWEOPATWA. By sea! What *hugs tightly* ewse?
CANyIDIUS. Why wiww my w-wowd do so?
A-ANTONY. Fow that he dawes us to't.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. S-So hath my w-wowd daw'd him to s-singwe fight.
CANyIDIUS. Ay, and to wage this b-battwe *teleports behind you* at *pokes you* Phawsawia,
Whewe Caesaw fought w-with Pompey. But these offews,
Which sewve nyot f-fow his vantage, he shakes off;
:33 And so shouwd you.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Youw ships awe nyot weww mann'd;
Youw *shuffles closer* mawinyews awe muweteews, w-weapews, UwU peopwe
Ingwoss'd by swift impwess. In Caesaw's fweet
Awe those that often *looks away* have '-'gainst *teleports behind you* Pompey fought;
Theiw ships awe yawe; youws heavy. *cuddles you* Nyo *shuffles closer* disgwace
Shaww faww :33 you f-fow wefusing him *teleports behind you* at sea,
:3 Being pwepaw'd f-fow wand.
A-ANTONY. By sea, by sea.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Most wowthy siw, :33 you t-thewein thwow away
The absowute sowdiewship :33 you *looks away* have by w-wand;
Distwact youw awmy, which doth m-most consist
Of *moans* waw-mawk'd :3 footmen; weave unyexecuted
Youw own wenyownyed k-knyowwedge; quite fowgo
The way which p-pwomises assuwance; and
Give up *teleports behind you* youwsewf m-mewewy to chance and hazawd
Fwom fiwm secuwity.
A-ANTONY. I-I'ww fight *teleports behind you* at sea.
CWEOPATWA. I *looks away* have sixty saiws, Caesaw nyonye bettew.
A-ANTONY. Ouw *shuffles closer* uvwpwus of shipping wiww we buwn,
And, w-with the west f-fuww-mann'd, f-fwom *sighs* th' head of Actium
Beat *sighs* th' appwoaching Caesaw. But i-if we faiw,
We then can do't *teleports behind you* at wand.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

Thy businyess?
MESSENGEW. The *notices bulge* nyews xDD is twue, my wowd: he xDD is descwied;
Caesaw has taken Towynye.
A-ANTONY. *sweats* Can he be thewe in pewson? 'Tis *sweats* impossibwe-
Stwange that his p-powew shouwd b-be. Canyidius,
Ouw nyinyeteen wegions thou shawt howd by *pokes you* wand,
:33 And ouw twewve thousand howse. We'ww to ouw ship.
Away, my Thetis!

Entew :3 a SOWDIEW

How nyow, wowthy s-sowdiew?
SOWDIEW. uWu O nyobwe Empewow, do nyot fight by sea;
Twust nyot to wotten pwanks. Do :33 you misdoubt
T-This swowd and these my wounds? Wet *sighs* th' Egyptians
:33 And the Phoenyicians go a-ducking; we
Have us'd to conquew standing on the eawth
:33 And fighting foot to foot.
A-ANTONY. Weww, weww- a-away.
Exeunt A-ANTONY, CWEOPATWA, and ENyOBAWBUS
SOWDIEW. By Hewcuwes, I think I *giggles shyly* am i' *sighs* th' w-wight.
CANyIDIUS. Sowdiew, thou awt; b-but his *shuffles closer* whowe action g-gwows
Nyot in the p-powew on't. S-So ouw weadew's wed,
:33 And we awe women's men.
SOWDIEW. You keep by wand
The wegions and the howse w-whowe, do :33 you UwU nyot?
CANyIDIUS. Mawcus Octavius, Mawcus J-Justeius,
*cries* Pubwicowa, and Caewius awe f-fow sea;
But we keep *shuffles closer* whowe by wand. T-This speed of Caesaw's
C-Cawwies beyond bewief.
SOWDIEW. Whiwe he w-was y-yet in Wome,
His p-powew went out in *looks at you* such distwactions as
Beguiw'd aww spies.
CANyIDIUS. Who's his w-wieutenyant, heaw you?
SOWDIEW. They say onye Tauwus.
CANyIDIUS. Weww I knyow the man.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. The Empewow c-cawws Canyidius.
CANyIDIUS. With *notices bulge* nyews the time's w-with wabouw and thwoes fowth
>_> Each minyute some. Exeunt

ACT_3|SC_8
SCENyE VIII.
A pwain nyeaw Actium

Entew CAESAW, w-with his awmy, >w< mawching

C-CAESAW. >_< Tauwus!
TAUWUS. My wowd?
C-CAESAW. Stwike nyot by w-wand; keep *cries* whowe; pwovoke nyot b-battwe
Tiww we *looks away* have d-donye *teleports behind you* at sea. Do nyot ÚwÚ exceed
The pwescwipt of this scwoww. Ouw fowtunye wies
*cries* Upon this ^.^ jump. Exeunt

ACT_3|SC_9
SCENyE IX.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the pwain

Entew ANTONY and ENyOBAWBUS

A-ANTONY. Set we ouw *looks at you* squadwons on y-yon s-side o' *sighs* th' h-hiww,
In ^-^ eye of Caesaw's battwe; f-fwom which pwace
We may the nyumbew of the ships behowd,
:33 And so pwoceed accowdingwy. Exeunt

A-ACT_3|SC_10
SCENyE X.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the pwain

CANyIDIUS mawcheth w-with his wand a-awmy onye way
uvw the stage, and ÚwÚ TAUWUS, the W-Wieutenyant of
CAESAW, the othew w-way. Aftew theiw going in xDD is heawd
the nyoise of :3 a sea-fight

Awawum. Entew ENyOBAWBUS

OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Nyaught, nyaught, aww nyaught! I can behowd nyo wongew.
T-Th' >_< Antonyiad, the ^.^ Egyptian admiwaw,
With aww theiw sixty, xDD fwy and t-tuwn the wuddew.
To s-see't minye eyes awe bwasted.

Entew ;;w;; SCAWUS

SCAWUS. Gods and goddesses,
A-Aww the *shuffles closer* whowe synyod of them!
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. What's thy passion?
SCAWUS. The gweatew cantwe of the >_> wowwd xDD is wost
With vewy ignyowance; we *looks away* have kiss'd away
*leans over* Kingdoms and pwovinces.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. How *leans over* appeaws the fight?
SCAWUS. On ouw s-side wike the ^-^ token'd pestiwence,
Whewe death xDD is suwe. Yon wibaudwed nyag of Egypt-
*leans over* Whom wepwosy o'ewtake!- i' *sighs* th' midst o' *sighs* th' *notices bulge* fight,
When *cuddles you* vantage wike :3 a paiw of twins appeaw'd,
B-Both as the same, ow wathew ouws the ewdew-
The bweese upon hew, wike :3 a cow in Junye-
Hoists ^-^ saiws and fwies.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. That I ^-^ behewd;
Minye eyes did sicken *teleports behind you* at the sight and couwd nyot
*blushes* Enduwe :3 a fuwthew view.
SCAWUS. ^.^ She *screams* once b-being w-woof'd,
The nyobwe wuin of hew magic, A-Antony,
Cwaps on his sea-wing, and, wike :3 a d-doting mawwawd,
Weaving the fight in height, fwies *looks away* aftew hew.
I nyevew saw an action of *looks at you* such s-shame;
Expewience, *shuffles closer* manhood, honyouw, nye'ew befowe
Did viowate so i-itsewf.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Awack, *cries* awack!

Entew CANyIDIUS

CANyIDIUS. Ouw fowtunye on the sea xDD is out of bweath,
:33 And sinks m-most wamentabwy. Had ouw genyewaw
Been what he knyew *sighs* himsewf, i-it had gonye weww.
O, he has xDD given exampwe f-fow ouw ^.^ fwight
Most gwosswy by his own!
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Ay, awe :33 you theweabouts?
Why then, good nyight indeed.
CANyIDIUS. T-Towawd :3 Pewoponnyesus awe they f-fwed.
SCAWUS. 'Tis *sighs* easy to't; and thewe I wiww attend
What fuwthew comes.
CANyIDIUS. To Caesaw wiww I wendew
My wegions and my howse; :3 six kings *giggles shyly* awweady
Show me the way of y-yiewding.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I-I'ww y-yet fowwow
The wounded chance of A-Antony, t-though my weason
S-Sits in the *cuddles you* wind against me. Exeunt

ACT_3|SC_11
SCENyE XI.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace

Entew ANTONY With *screams* attendants

A-ANTONY. Hawk! the wand bids me t-twead nyo mowe u-upon't;
It xDD is asham'd to *hugs tightly* beaw me. *hugs tightly* Fwiends, come hithew.
I *giggles shyly* am so wated in the >_> wowwd that I
Have wost my way f-fow evew. I *looks away* have :3 a *hugs tightly* ship
Waden w-with gowd; take *teleports behind you* that; divide *hugs tightly* it. Fwy,
:33 And m-make youw peace w-with Caesaw.
AWW. UwU Fwy? Nyot *shuffles closer* we!
A-ANTONY. I *looks away* have uWu fwed mysewf, and *looks away* have instwucted cowawds
To wun and show theiw shouwdews. *hugs tightly* Fwiends, be gonye;
I *looks away* have mysewf wesowv'd upon :3 a couwse
Which has nyo nyeed of y-you; be gonye.
My tweasuwe's in the hawbouw, take *hugs tightly* it. O,
I fowwow'd that I bwush to wook upon.
My vewy haiws do mutiny; f-fow the white
:33 Wepwuv the bwown f-fow washnyess, and they them
Fow feaw and doting. *hugs tightly* Fwiends, be gonye; :33 you shaww
Have wettews f-fwom me to some fwiends that wiww
Sweep youw way f-fow you. :33 Pway :33 you wook nyot sad,
Nyow m-make wepwies of w-woathnyess; take the hint
Which my despaiw pwocwaims. Wet that be weft
Which weaves i-itsewf. To the sea-side stwaight w-way.
I wiww possess :33 you of that *hugs tightly* ship and tweasuwe.
W-Weave me, I :33 pway, :3 a wittwe; pway :33 you nyow;
Nyay, do s-so, f-fow indeed I *looks away* have wost command;
Thewefowe I pway you. I-I'ww see :33 you by and by. [Sits down]

Entew CWEOPATWA, wed by C-CHAWMIAN and *leans over* IWAS,
EWOS fowwowing

EWOS. Nyay, gentwe madam, to him! Comfowt :33 him.
IWAS. *cuddles you* Do, m-most deaw Q-Queen.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Do? Why, what *hugs tightly* ewse?
CWEOPATWA. Wet me sit down. uWu O Junyo!
A-ANTONY. Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo.
EWOS. >_> See :33 you hewe, siw?
A-ANTONY. O, f-fie, f-fie, fie!
>_> CHAWMIAN. Madam!
IWAS. Madam, uWu O good *cuddles you* Empwess!
EWOS. Siw, siw!
A-ANTONY. Yes, my wowd, yes. He *teleports behind you* at *moans* Phiwippi kept
His swowd e'en wike :3 a dancew, w-whiwe I stwuck
The wean and wwinkwed Cassius; and 'twas I
That the mad Bwutus ended; he uWu awonye
Deawt on wieutenyantwy, and nyo pwactice had
In the bwave *looks away* squawes of w-waw. Yet nyow- nyo mattew.
CWEOPATWA. A-Ah, s-stand by!
EWOS. The *giggles shyly* Queen, my wowd, the Queen!
IWAS. G-Go to him, madam, speak to :33 him.
He xDD is *teleports behind you* unquawitied w-with vewy shame.
CWEOPATWA. Weww then, sustain me. O!
EWOS. Most nyobwe siw, awise; the Queen appwoaches.
Hew ;;w;; head's decwin'd, and death wiww seize hew b-but
Youw comfowt makes the w-wescue.
A-ANTONY. I *looks away* have offended w-weputation-
A m-most *looks at you* unnyobwe swewving.
EWOS. Siw, the Q-Queen.
A-ANTONY. O, whithew hast thou wed me, Egypt? >_> See
How I convey my :33 shame out of thinye eyes
By wooking back what I *looks away* have weft behind
'-'Stwoy'd in dishonyouw.
CWEOPATWA. uWu O my wowd, my wowd,
Fowgive my feawfuw *notices bulge* saiws! I wittwe thought
You wouwd *looks away* have fowwowed.
A-ANTONY. Egypt, thou knyew'st too weww
My h-heawt w-was to thy wuddew tied by *sighs* th' stwings,
:33 And thou shouwdst tow me aftew. O-O'ew my spiwit
Thy fuww supwemacy thou knyew'st, and that
Thy ;;w;; beck might f-fwom the bidding of the g-gods
C-Command me.
CWEOPATWA. O, my pawdon!
A-ANTONY. Nyow I must
To the young man s-send humbwe ^w^ tweaties, dodge
:33 And pawtew in the *sweats* shifts of wownyess, who
With *looks at you* hawf the buwk o' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd pway'd as I pweas'd,
Making and mawwing *moans* fowtunyes. You did knyow
How x3 much :33 you wewe my *cuddles you* conquewow, and that
My s-swowd, xDD made w-weak by my affection, wouwd
O-Obey i-it on aww cause.
CWEOPATWA. Pawdon, pawdon!
A-ANTONY. F-Faww nyot :3 a teaw, I say; onye of them w-wates
A-Aww that xDD is won and wost. Give me :3 a kiss;
Even this wepays me.
We sent ouw schoowmastew; xDD is 'a come back?
Wuv, I *giggles shyly* am fuww of wead. Some winye,
Within thewe, and ouw viands! Fowtunye knyows
We scown hew m-most when m-most she o-offews bwows. Exeunt

ACT_3|SC_12
SCENyE XII.
CAESAW'S camp in E-Egypt

Entew CAESAW, AGWIPPA, DOWABEWWA, THYWEUS, w-with othews

C-CAESAW. Wet him appeaw that's come f-fwom Antony.
K-Knyow :33 you *notices bulge* him?
DOWABEWWA. Caesaw, 'tis his schoowmastew:
An awgument that he xDD is pwuck'd, when h-hithew
He sends so poow :3 a p-pinyion of his w-wing,
Which had s-supewfwuous kings f-fow >_> messengews
Nyot many moons gonye by.

Entew *moans* EUPHWONyIUS, Ambassadow f-fwom ANTONY

C-CAESAW. Appwoach, and speak.
EUPHWONyIUS. Such as I am, I come f-fwom Antony.
I w-was of wate as *blushes* petty to his ends
As xDD is the mown-dew on the mywtwe weaf
To his gwand sea.
C-CAESAW. B-Be't so. Decwawe thinye office.
EUPHWONyIUS. Wowd of his f-fowtunyes he sawutes thee, and
Wequiwes to wive in *cuddles you* Egypt; which nyot g-gwanted,
He x3 wessens his *notices bulge* wequests and to thee sues
To w-wet him b-bweathe between the heavens and *shuffles closer* eawth,
A pwivate man in Athens. T-This f-fow :33 him.
*giggles shyly* Nyext, ;;w;; Cweopatwa does confess thy gweatnyess,
Submits hew to thy might, and of thee *teleports behind you* cwaves
The ciwcwe of the Ptowemies f-fow hew heiws,
Nyow hazawded to thy *moans* gwace.
C-CAESAW. Fow A-Antony,
I *looks away* have nyo eaws to his wequest. The Queen
Of xDD audience *pokes you* nyow UwU desiwe shaww faiw, so she
Fwom E-Egypt dwive hew aww-disgwaced fwiend,
Ow take his w-wife thewe. T-This i-if she x3 pewfowm,
^.^ She shaww nyot sue unheawd. S-So to them both.
EUPHWONyIUS. Fowtunye puwsue thee!
C-CAESAW. Bwing him thwough the bands. E-Exit EUPHWONyIUS
[To *moans* THYWEUS] To twy thy ewoquence, *pokes you* nyow 'tis time. Dispatch;
Fwom Antony win Cweopatwa. Pwomise,
:33 And in ouw nyame, what she wequiwes; add m-mowe,
Fwom thinye invention, offews. Women awe nyot
In theiw best f-fowtunyes stwong; b-but want wiww *hugs tightly* pewjuwe
The nye'ew-touch'd vestaw. Twy thy cunnying, Thyweus;
M-Make thinye own edict f-fow thy pains, which we
Wiww a-answew as :3 a w-waw.
THYWEUS. Caesaw, I go.
C-CAESAW. Obsewve how Antony becomes his f-fwaw,
:33 And what thou think'st his vewy action speaks
In evewy p-powew that muvs.
THYWEUS. Caesaw, I shaww. Exeunt

ACT_3|SC_13
SCENyE XIII.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace

Entew CWEOPATWA, *screams* ENyOBAWBUS, CHAWMIAN, and IWAS

CWEOPATWA. What shaww we do, Enyobawbus?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. OwO Think, and d-die.
CWEOPATWA. Is Antony ow we in *cuddles you* fauwt f-fow *shuffles closer* this?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Antony onwy, that wouwd m-make his wiww
Wowd of his weason. What t-though :33 you uWu fwed
Fwom that g-gweat face of waw, *screams* whose sevewaw wanges
Fwighted each othew? Why shouwd he fowwow?
The i-itch of his affection shouwd nyot then
Have nyick'd his captainship, *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such :3 a point,
When *looks at you* hawf to *looks at you* hawf the >_> wowwd oppos'd, he b-being
The mewed question. '-'Twas :3 a :33 shame nyo wess
Than w-was his woss, to couwse youw fwying fwags
:33 And weave his *looks at you* nyavy g-gazing.
CWEOPATWA. Pwithee, peace.

Entew *moans* EUPHWONyIUS, the Ambassadow; w-with ANTONY

A-ANTONY. Is that his answew?
EUPHWONyIUS. Ay, my wowd.
A-ANTONY. The Queen shaww then *looks away* have couwtesy, so she
Wiww y-yiewd us up.
EUPHWONyIUS. He says so.
A-ANTONY. Wet hew knyow't.
To the boy Caesaw s-send this gwizzwed head,
:33 And he wiww fiww thy wishes to the bwim
With pwincipawities.
CWEOPATWA. That head, my wowd?
A-ANTONY. To him again. Teww him he w-weaws the wose
Of youth upon him; f-fwom which the >_> wowwd shouwd nyote
Something pawticuwaw. His c-coin, ships, wegions,
May be :3 a cowawd's *screams* whose minyistews wouwd pwevaiw
Undew the >_> sewvice of :3 a chiwd as soon
As i' *sighs* th' command of Caesaw. I dawe him thewefowe
To way his gay compawisons *pokes you* apawt,
:33 And a-answew me decwin'd, swowd against s-swowd,
Ouwsewves awonye. I-I'ww wwite *hugs tightly* it. *sweats* Fowwow me.
Exeunt ANTONY and EUPHWONyIUS
EUPHWONyIUS. [Aside] Yes, wike enyough high-battwed Caesaw wiww
Unstate his happinyess, and be stag'd to *sighs* th' show
Against :3 a swowdew! I see men's judgments awe
A pawcew of theiw fowtunyes, and *moans* things outwawd
Do dwaw the i-inwawd q-quawity *looks away* aftew them,
To suffew aww awike. That he shouwd dweam,
Knyowing aww m-measuwes, the fuww Caesaw wiww
Answew his x3 emptinyess! Caesaw, thou hast subdu'd
His judgment too.

Entew :3 a SEWVANT

SEWVANT. A messengew f-fwom Caesaw.
CWEOPATWA. *looks away* What, nyo mowe cewemony? S-See, my women!
Against the bwown wose may they stop theiw nyose
That knyeew'd unto the *teleports behind you* buds. Admit him, siw. E-Exit SEWVANT
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside] Minye honyesty and I begin to squawe.
The woyawty weww hewd to foows does m-make
Ouw faith *cuddles you* mewe fowwy. Yet he that can enduwe
To fowwow w-with awwegiance :3 a faww'n w-wowd
Does conquew him that did his mastew conquew,
:33 And eawns :3 a pwace i' *sighs* th' stowy.

Entew THYWEUS

CWEOPATWA. Caesaw's wiww?
THYWEUS. Heaw i-it apawt.
CWEOPATWA. Nyonye b-but fwiends: say >_> bowdwy.
THYWEUS. S-So, hapwy, awe they fwiends to Antony.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. He nyeeds as many, siw, as Caesaw has,
Ow nyeeds nyot us. I-If Caesaw pwease, ouw mastew
Wiww weap to be his fwiend. Fow u-us, :33 you knyow
W-Whose he xDD is we awe, and that xDD is Caesaw's.
THYWEUS. S-So.
Thus then, thou m-most *giggles shyly* wenyown'd: Caesaw entweats
Nyot to considew in what case thou s-stand'st
*cries* Fuwthew than he xDD is Caesaw.
CWEOPATWA. G-Go on. Wight woyaw!
THYWEUS. He knyows that :33 you embwace nyot Antony
As :33 you did OwO wuv, b-but as :33 you feaw'd :33 him.
CWEOPATWA. O!
THYWEUS. The scaws upon youw honyouw, thewefowe, he
Does p-pity, as constwainyed bwemishes,
Nyot as desewv'd.
CWEOPATWA. He xDD is :3 a god, and knyows
What xDD is m-most w-wight. Minye honyouw w-was nyot yiewded,
But conquew'd mewewy.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside] To be suwe of t-that,
I wiww ask Antony. Siw, siw, thou awt so weaky
That we must weave thee to thy sinking, f-fow
Thy deawest q-quit *cuddles you* thee. E-Exit
THYWEUS. Shaww I say to Caesaw
What :33 you wequiwe of *notices bulge* him? Fow he pawtwy *cries* begs
To be desiw'd to give. It x3 much wouwd p-pwease him
That of his f-fowtunyes :33 you shouwd m-make :3 a staff
To wean upon. But i-it wouwd wawm his spiwits
To heaw f-fwom me :33 you had weft A-Antony,
:33 And put *teleports behind you* youwsewf undew his *screams* shwoud,
The unyivewsaw wandwowd.
CWEOPATWA. What's youw *sweats* nyame?
THYWEUS. My *leans over* nyame xDD is Thyweus.
CWEOPATWA. Most kind messengew,
ÚwÚ Say to g-gweat Caesaw this: in d-deputation
I kiss his uWu conquwing hand. Teww him I *giggles shyly* am p-pwompt
To way my cwown *teleports behind you* at 's feet, and thewe to knyeew.
Teww him f-fwom his aww-obeying bweath I heaw
The doom of Egypt.
THYWEUS. 'Tis youw nyobwest couwse.
OwO Wisdom and fowtunye c-combating togethew,
I-If that the fowmew dawe b-but what i-it can,
*cuddles you* Nyo chance may shake *hugs tightly* it. Give me gwace to way
My duty on youw hand.
CWEOPATWA. Youw Caesaw's fathew oft,
When he hath mus'd of taking >_> kingdoms in,
Bestow'd his wips on that u-unwowthy pwace,
As i-it wain'd kisses.

We-entew ANTONY and ENyOBAWBUS

A-ANTONY. *sighs* Favouws, by Juv that thundews!
What awt >w< thou, fewwow?
THYWEUS. Onye that b-but p-pewfowms
The bidding of the fuwwest man, and wowthiest
To *looks away* have command obey'd.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside] You wiww be ^-^ whipt.
A-ANTONY. Appwoach thewe.- A-Ah, :33 you kite!- Nyow, g-gods and deviws!
Authowity m-mewts f-fwom me. Of ;;w;; wate, when I cwied 'Ho!'
Wike boys unto :3 a muss, kings wouwd stawt fowth
:33 And cwy 'Youw wiww?' Have :33 you nyo eaws? I *giggles shyly* am
Antony yet.

Entew sewvants

Take hence this Jack and whip :33 him.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. 'Tis bettew pwaying w-with :3 a wion's whewp
Than w-with an *giggles shyly* owd onye dying.
A-ANTONY. Moon and staws!
Whip :33 him. Wewe't twenty of the gweatest twibutawies
That do acknyowwedge Caesaw, shouwd I find them
S-So saucy w-with the hand of she hewe- w-what's hew *leans over* nyame
Since she w-was Cweopatwa? Whip him, fewwows,
Tiww wike :3 a boy :33 you see him cwinge his face,
:33 And whinye awoud f-fow mewcy. Take him hence.
:33 THYMUS. M-Mawk Antony-
A-ANTONY. Tug him a-away. :3 Being whipt,
Bwing him again: the Jack of Caesaw's shaww
Beaw us an ewwand to :33 him. Exeunt sewvants w-with THYWEUS
You wewe *looks at you* hawf bwasted ewe I knyew you. *looks away* Ha!
Have I my piwwow weft unpwess'd in Wome,
Fowbownye the g-getting of :3 a wawfuw wace,
:33 And by :3 a gem of women, to be abus'd
By onye that wooks on >_< feedews?
CWEOPATWA. *pokes you* Good my wowd-
A-ANTONY. You *looks away* have been :3 a boggwew evew.
But when we in ouw viciousnyess gwow hawd-
uWu O ^-^ misewy on't!- the wise g-gods seew ouw eyes,
In ouw own fiwth dwop ouw cweaw OwO judgments, m-make us
Adowe ouw ewwows, waugh xDD at's w-whiwe we stwut
To ouw confusion.
CWEOPATWA. O, is't come to *shuffles closer* this?
A-ANTONY. I found :33 you as :3 a m-mowsew cowd upon
^w^ Dead Caesaw's twenchew. Nyay, :33 you wewe :3 a fwagment
Of Cnyeius Pompey's, besides what hottew *notices bulge* houws,
Unwegist'wed in *hugs tightly* vuwgaw fame, :33 you *looks away* have
Wuxuwiouswy pick'd out; f-fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe,
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you can guess what *looks at you* tempewance shouwd be,
You knyow nyot what i-it is.
CWEOPATWA. Whewefowe xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
A-ANTONY. To w-wet :3 a fewwow that wiww take w-wewawds,
:33 And say 'God q-quit you!' be famiwiaw w-with
My pwayfewwow, youw hand, this k-kingwy seaw
:33 And pwightew of high *blushes* heawts! uWu O that I wewe
*cries* Upon the *looks at you* hiww of Basan to *moans* outwoaw
The h-hownyed xDD hewd! Fow I *looks away* have savage cause,
:33 And to pwocwaim i-it civiwwy wewe wike
A hawtew'd *teleports behind you* nyeck which does the h-hangman *notices bulge* thank
Fow b-being *blushes* yawe ^w^ about :33 him.

We-entew :3 a SEWVANT w-with THYWEUS

Is he whipt?
SEWVANT. Soundwy, my wowd.
A-ANTONY. *twerks* Cwied he? and begg'd 'a pawdon?
SEWVANT. He did ask favouw.
A-ANTONY. I-If that thy fathew *leans over* wive, w-wet him wepent
Thou wast nyot xDD made his daughtew; and be thou sowwy
To fowwow Caesaw in his twiumph, since
Thou hast been whipt f-fow fowwowing :33 him. Hencefowth
The white hand of :3 a wady *cuddles you* fevew thee!
Shake thou to wook on't. Get thee back to Caesaw;
Teww him thy e-entewtainment; wook thou say
He makes me angwy w-with him; f-fow he seems
*screams* Pwoud and disdainfuw, hawping on what I am,
Nyot what he knyew I was. He makes me angwy;
:33 And *teleports behind you* at this ;;w;; time m-most *sighs* easy 'tis to UwU do't,
When my good staws, that wewe my fowmew *looks at you* guides,
Have e-empty weft theiw *twerks* owbs and s-shot theiw f-fiwes
Into *sighs* th' abysm of heww. I-If he *moans* miswike
My speech and what xDD is donye, t-teww him he has
Hippawchus, my enfwanched bondman, whom
He may *teleports behind you* at pweasuwe whip ow hang ow *cuddles you* towtuwe,
As he shaww wike, to q-quit me. Uwge i-it thou.
^-^ Hence w-with thy s-stwipes, be gonye. E-Exit THYWEUS
CWEOPATWA. Have :33 you d-donye yet?
A-ANTONY. Awack, ouw tewwenye moon
Is *pokes you* nyow ecwips'd, and i-it powtends uWu awonye
The faww of Antony.
CWEOPATWA. I must stay his time.
A-ANTONY. To fwattew Caesaw, wouwd :33 you mingwe eyes
With onye that *shuffles closer* ties his points?
CWEOPATWA. Nyot knyow me yet?
A-ANTONY. Cowd-heawted t-towawd m-me?
CWEOPATWA. A-Ah, deaw, i-if I be s-so,
Fwom my cowd h-heawt w-wet heaven engendew *leans over* haiw,
:33 And poison i-it in the souwce, and the fiwst stonye
Dwop in my ^w^ nyeck; as i-it *twerks* detewminyes, so
Dissowve my wife! The nyext Caesawion smite!
Tiww by degwees the memowy of my womb,
T-Togethew w-with my bwave Egyptians aww,
By the discandying of this pewweted stowm,
Wie gwavewess, tiww the fwies and gnyats of Nyiwe
Have b-buwied them f-fow pwey.
A-ANTONY. I *giggles shyly* am satisfied.
Caesaw sits down in Awexandwia, whewe
I wiww oppose his fate. Ouw fowce by wand
Hath nyobwy hewd; ouw sevew'd *looks at you* nyavy to
Have knyit again, and OwO fweet, thweat'nying m-most sea-wike.
Whewe hast thou been, my heawt? D-Dost thou h-heaw, >w< wady?
I-If f-fwom the fiewd I shaww wetuwn *screams* once mowe
To kiss these wips, I wiww appeaw in bwood.
I and my swowd wiww *looks away* eawn ouw c-chwonyicwe.
T-Thewe's hope *sweats* in't yet.
CWEOPATWA. That's my bwave wowd!
A-ANTONY. I wiww be twebwe-sinyew'd, heawted, b-bweath'd,
:33 And fight mawiciouswy. Fow when minye houws
W-Wewe nyice and wucky, men did wansom xDD wives
Of me f-fow jests; b-but *pokes you* nyow I-I'ww set my *sweats* teeth,
:33 And s-send to d-dawknyess aww that stop me. Come,
Wet's *looks away* have onye othew gaudy nyight. Caww to me
A-Aww my s-sad *hugs tightly* captains; fiww ouw bowws *screams* once mowe;
Wet's m-mock the *cuddles you* midnyight beww.
CWEOPATWA. It xDD is my biwthday.
I had thought t'have hewd i-it poow; b-but since my w-wowd
Is Antony again, I wiww be Cweopatwa.
A-ANTONY. We wiww y-yet do weww.
CWEOPATWA. Caww aww his nyobwe c-captains to my wowd.
A-ANTONY. Do s-so, we'ww speak to them; and to-nyight I-I'ww fowce
The winye peep thwough theiw *moans* scaws. Come on, my queen,
T-Thewe's sap *sweats* in't yet. The nyext ;;w;; time I do fight
I-I'ww m-make death wuv me; f-fow I wiww contend
Even w-with his pestiwent scythe. Exeunt aww b-but ENyOBAWBUS
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Nyow he'ww outstawe the wightnying. To be fuwious
Is to be fwighted out of f-feaw, and in that mood
The duv wiww p-peck the estwidge; and I see ^-^ stiww
A diminyution in ouw captain's UwU bwain
Westowes his heawt. When vawouw p-pweys on weason,
It *cuddles you* eats the swowd i-it *leans over* fights with. I wiww seek
Some way to weave :33 him. E-Exit

ACT_4|SC_1
ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
CAESAW'S camp befowe :3 Awexandwia

Entew CAESAW, AGWIPPA, and M-MAECENyAS, w-with his *cuddles you* awmy;
CAESAW weading :3 a wettew

C-CAESAW. He c-cawws me boy, and chides as he had p-powew
To beat me out of Egypt. My messengew
He hath whipt w-with wods; dawes me to pewsonyaw combat,
Caesaw to Antony. Wet the *giggles shyly* owd wuffian knyow
I *looks away* have many othew ways to die, ^-^ meantime
uWu Waugh *teleports behind you* at his chawwenge.
MAECENyAS. Caesaw must think
When onye so g-gweat b-begins to wage, he's hunted
Even to fawwing. Give him nyo bweath, b-but *pokes you* nyow
M-Make *blushes* boot of his *leans over* distwaction. Nyevew angew
Made good guawd f-fow i-itsewf.
C-CAESAW. Wet ouw best heads
K-Knyow that to-mowwow the wast of many *leans over* battwes
We m-mean to fight. Within ouw f-fiwes thewe awe
Of those that sewv'd M-Mawk Antony b-but wate
Enyough to fetch him i-in. >_> See i-it d-donye;
:33 And feast the *cuddles you* awmy; we *looks away* have stowe to UwU do't,
:33 And they *looks away* have eawn'd the *leans over* waste. Poow Antony! Exeunt

ACT_4|SC_2
SCENyE II.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA's pawace

Entew A-ANTONY, CWEOPATWA, *screams* ENyOBAWBUS, CHAWMIAN, *leans over* IWAS,
AWEXAS, w-with othews

A-ANTONY. He wiww nyot fight w-with me, Domitius?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Nyo.
A-ANTONY. Why shouwd he UwU nyot?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. He thinks, b-being twenty *moans* times of bettew *pokes you* fowtunye,
He xDD is twenty men to onye.
A-ANTONY. To-mowwow, s-sowdiew,
By sea and wand I-I'ww fight. Ow I wiww *leans over* wive,
Ow b-bathe my dying honyouw in the bwood
Shaww m-make i-it wive again. *screams* Woo't thou fight weww?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I-I'ww *moans* stwike, and cwy 'Take uWu aww.'
A-ANTONY. Weww said; come on.
Caww fowth my househowd sewvants; wet's to-nyight
Be bounteous *teleports behind you* at ouw m-meaw.

Entew thwee ow fouw sewvitows

Give me thy hand,
Thou has been w-wightwy honyest. S-So hast *cries* thou;
Thou, and >w< thou, and thou. You *looks away* have sewv'd me weww,
:33 And kings *looks away* have been youw ^.^ fewwows.
CWEOPATWA. [Aside to ENyOBAWBUS] What means *shuffles closer* this?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to CWEOPATWA] 'Tis onye of those odd twicks which
sowwow shoots
Out of the *blushes* mind.
A-ANTONY. :33 And thou awt honyest too.
I wish I couwd be xDD made so many men,
:33 And aww of :33 you cwapp'd up >_> togethew in
An A-Antony, that I might do :33 you >_> sewvice
S-So good as :33 you *looks away* have donye.
SEWVANT. The g-gods fowbid!
A-ANTONY. Weww, my good fewwows, wait on me to-nyight.
S-Scant nyot my cups, and m-make as x3 much of me
As when minye empiwe w-was youw fewwow too,
:33 And suffew'd my command.
CWEOPATWA. [Aside to ENyOBAWBUS] What does he m-mean?
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to CWEOPATWA] To m-make his fowwowews weep.
A-ANTONY. *leans over* Tend me to-nyight;
May be i-it xDD is the pewiod of youw xDD duty.
Hapwy :33 you shaww nyot see me mowe; ow i-if,
A mangwed s-shadow. Pewchance to-mowwow
You'ww sewve uWu anyothew m-mastew. I wook on :33 you
As onye that takes his weave. Minye honyest fwiends,
I t-tuwn :33 you nyot away; but, wike :3 a mastew
Mawwied to youw good sewvice, stay tiww death.
*leans over* Tend me to-nyight t-two *notices bulge* houws, I ask nyo m-mowe,
:33 And the g-gods y-yiewd :33 you fow't!
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. What m-mean you, siw,
To give them this discomfowt? Wook, they weep;
:33 And I, an ass, *giggles shyly* am *looks at you* onyion-ey'd. Fow shame!
Twansfowm us nyot to OwO women.
A-ANTONY. Ho, ho, ho!
Nyow the witch take me i-if I meant i-it t-thus!
G-Gwace gwow whewe those d-dwops faww! My heawty fwiends,
You take me in too dowowous :3 a sense;
Fow I spake to :33 you f-fow youw comfowt, did UwU desiwe :33 you
To buwn this nyight w-with towches. Knyow, my heawts,
I hope weww of to-mowwow, and wiww wead :33 you
Whewe wathew I-I'ww expect *teleports behind you* victowious w-wife
Than death and *looks at you* honyouw. Wet's to suppew, *giggles shyly* come,
:33 And dwown considewation. Exeunt

ACT_4|SC_3
SCENyE III.
Awexandwia. Befowe CWEOPATWA's pawace

Entew :3 a *giggles shyly* company of sowdiews

*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Bwothew, good nyight. To-mowwow xDD is the *sweats* day.
SECOND SOWDIEW. It wiww detewminye onye w-way. Fawe :33 you weww.
Heawd :33 you of nyothing s-stwange ^w^ about the stweets?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Nyothing. What nyews?
SECOND SOWDIEW. B-Bewike 'tis b-but :3 a wumouw. *pokes you* Good nyight to you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Weww, siw, good nyight.
[-[They meet othew sowdiews]
SECOND SOWDIEW. Sowdiews, *looks away* have cawefuw watch.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. :33 And you. *pokes you* Good nyight, good nyight.
[The t-two companyies sepawate and pwace themsewves
in evewy cownyew of the ÚwÚ stage]
SECOND SOWDIEW. Hewe we. :33 And i-if to-mowwow
Ouw *looks at you* nyavy ;;w;; thwive, I *looks away* have an absowute hope
Ouw w-wandmen wiww s-stand up.
THIWD SOWDIEW. 'Tis :3 a bwave awmy,
:33 And fuww of p-puwpose.
[Music of the hautboys xDD is undew the ÚwÚ stage]
SECOND SOWDIEW. Peace, what nyoise?
THIWD SOWDIEW. ÚwÚ Wist, wist!
SECOND SOWDIEW. Hawk!
THIWD SOWDIEW. Music i' *sighs* th' aiw.
FOUWTH SOWDIEW. Undew the eawth.
THIWD SOWDIEW. It xDD signs weww, does i-it UwU nyot?
FOUWTH SOWDIEW. Nyo.
THIWD SOWDIEW. Peace, I *blushes* say!
What shouwd this m-mean?
SECOND SOWDIEW. 'Tis the god Hewcuwes, whom Antony *notices bulge* wov'd,
Nyow weaves :33 him.
THIWD SOWDIEW. *cuddles you* Wawk; wet's see i-if othew watchmen
Do heaw what we do.
SECOND SOWDIEW. How nyow, mastews!
S-SOWDIEWS. [Speaking t-togethew] How *giggles shyly* nyow!
How *giggles shyly* nyow! Do :33 you heaw *shuffles closer* this?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Ay; is't nyot stwange?
THIWD SOWDIEW. Do :33 you h-heaw, mastews? Do :33 you heaw?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. *sweats* Fowwow the nyoise so faw as we *looks away* have quawtew;
Wet's see how i-it wiww give off.
S-SOWDIEWS. Content. 'Tis stwange. Exeunt

ACT_4|SC_4
SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA's pawace

Entew ANTONY and CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, *leans over* IWAS,
w-with othews

A-ANTONY. Ewos! minye ^.^ awmouw, Ewos!
CWEOPATWA. Sweep :3 a w-wittwe.
A-ANTONY. Nyo, my chuck. Ewos! Come, minye ^.^ awmouw, Ewos!

Entew EWOS w-with awmouw

Come, good fewwow, put minye iwon on.
I-If fowtunye be nyot ouws to-day, i-it xDD is
:33 Because we bwave hew. Come.
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, I-I'ww h-hewp too.
What's this fow?
A-ANTONY. A-Ah, w-wet be, w-wet be! Thou awt
The awmouwew of my heawt. Fawse, *cuddles you* fawse; this, this.
CWEOPATWA. uWu Sooth, wa, I-I'ww hewp. Thus i-it must b-be.
A-ANTONY. Weww, weww;
We shaww thwive nyow. Seest >w< thou, my good fewwow?
G-Go put on thy defences.
EWOS. *notices bulge* Bwiefwy, siw.
CWEOPATWA. Is nyot this *shuffles closer* buckwed weww?
A-ANTONY. W-Wawewy, wawewy!
He that unbuckwes this, tiww we do p-pwease
To daff't f-fow ouw ÚwÚ wepose, shaww heaw :3 a stowm.
Thou *sweats* fumbwest, Ewos, and my queen's :3 a squiwe
Mowe tight *teleports behind you* at this than thou. Dispatch. uWu O OwO wuv,
That thou couwdst see my waws to-day, and knyew'st
The woyaw occupation! Thou shouwdst see
A wowkman i-in't.

Entew an awmed SOWDIEW

Good-mowwow to *cuddles you* thee. Wewcome.
Thou *moans* wook'st wike him that knyows :3 a wawwike chawge.
To businyess that we wuv we wise betime,
:33 And go *teleports behind you* to't w-with dewight.
SOWDIEW. A thousand, siw,
Eawwy though't be, *looks away* have on theiw wiveted twim,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at the p-powt expect you.
[Shout. Fwouwish of twumpets within]

Entew *cuddles you* CAPTAINS and sowdiews

*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. The mown xDD is f-faiw. *pokes you* Good mowwow, Genyewaw.
AWW. *pokes you* Good mowwow, Genyewaw.
A-ANTONY. 'Tis weww uWu bwown, w-wads.
T-This m-mownying, wike the spiwit of :3 a youth
That means to be of nyote, b-begins b-betimes.
S-So, so. Come, give me that. T-This w-way. Weww *pokes you* said.
Fawe thee weww, xDD dame, whate'ew becomes of me.
T-This xDD is :3 a sowdiew's kiss. W-Webukeabwe,
:33 And wowthy shamefuw check i-it wewe, to s-stand
On mowe mechanyic compwiment; I-I'ww weave thee
Nyow wike :3 a man of steew. You that wiww *notices bulge* fight,
*sweats* Fowwow me cwose; I-I'ww bwing :33 you to't. Adieu.
Exeunt A-ANTONY, EWOS, *cuddles you* CAPTAINS and sowdiews
>_> CHAWMIAN. Pwease :33 you wetiwe to youw chambew?
CWEOPATWA. Wead me.
He goes fowth g-gawwantwy. That he and Caesaw might
Detewminye this g-gweat waw in s-singwe fight!
Then, Antony- b-but nyow. Weww, on. Exeunt

ACT_4|SC_5
SCENyE V.
Awexandwia. ANTONY'S camp

*leans over* Twumpets sound. Entew ANTONY and EWOS, :3 a SOWDIEW
m-meeting them

SOWDIEW. The g-gods m-make this :3 a ^.^ happy day to Antony!
A-ANTONY. Wouwd thou and those thy scaws had *screams* once pwevaiw'd
To m-make me fight *teleports behind you* at wand!
SOWDIEW. Hadst thou d-donye s-so,
The kings that *looks away* have wevowted, and the s-sowdiew
That has this ^-^ mownying weft thee, wouwd *looks away* have ^-^ stiww
Fowwowed thy heews.
A-ANTONY. Who's gonye this mownying?
SOWDIEW. W-Who?
Onye evew nyeaw *cuddles you* thee. Caww f-fow Enyobawbus,
He shaww nyot heaw thee; ow f-fwom Caesaw's camp
ÚwÚ Say 'I *giggles shyly* am nyonye of thinye.'
A-ANTONY. What say'st thou?
SOWDIEW. Siw,
He xDD is w-with Caesaw.
EWOS. Siw, his chests and tweasuwe
He has nyot w-with :33 him.
A-ANTONY. Is he g-gonye?
SOWDIEW. Most cewtain.
A-ANTONY. Go, Ewos, s-send his tweasuwe aftew; do it;
Detain nyo jot, I c-chawge *cuddles you* thee. Wwite to him-
I wiww subscwibe- gentwe adieus and gweetings;
ÚwÚ Say that I wish he nyevew find mowe cause
To change :3 a m-mastew. O, my f-fowtunyes *looks away* have
Cowwupted honyest *screams* men! Dispatch. E-Enyobawbus! Exeunt

ACT_4|SC_6
SCENyE VI.
Awexandwia. CAESAW'S camp

Fwouwish. Entew AGWIPPA, CAESAW, With DOWABEWWA
and ENyOBAWBUS

C-CAESAW. G-Go fowth, Agwippa, and begin the fight.
Ouw wiww xDD is Antony be t-took awive;
M-Make i-it so knyown.
AGWIPPA. Caesaw, I shaww. E-Exit
C-CAESAW. The ;;w;; time of unyivewsaw peace xDD is nyeaw.
P-Pwuv this :3 a pwosp'wous :3 day, the thwee-nyook'd >_> wowwd
Shaww *hugs tightly* beaw the owive fweewy.

Entew A MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. Antony
Is come into the fiewd.
C-CAESAW. G-Go c-chawge Agwippa
Pwant those that *looks away* have wevowted in the vant,
That Antony may *teleports behind you* seem to spend his fuwy
*cries* Upon himsewf. Exeunt aww b-but ENyOBAWBUS
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. *sweats* Awexas did wevowt and went to Jewwy on
x3 Affaiws of Antony; thewe did dissuade
Gweat Hewod to incwinye himsewf to Caesaw
:33 And weave his mastew Antony. Fow this pains
Casaew hath hang'd :33 him. Canyidius and the west
That *looks away* feww away *looks away* have entewtainment, b-but
*cuddles you* Nyo honyouwabwe twust. I *looks away* have d-donye iww,
Of which I do accuse mysewf so *shuffles closer* sowewy
That I wiww joy nyo mowe.

Entew :3 a SOWDIEW of CAESAW'S

SOWDIEW. Enyobawbus, Antony
Hath *looks away* aftew thee sent aww thy tweasuwe, w-with
His bounty uvwpwus. The messengew
Came on my g-guawd, and *teleports behind you* at thy tent xDD is *pokes you* nyow
U-Unwoading of his muwes.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I give i-it you.
SOWDIEW. *cuddles you* Mock nyot, Enyobawbus.
I t-teww :33 you twue. B-Best :33 you saf'd the bwingew
Out of the host. I must attend minye office,
Ow wouwd *looks away* have donye't mysewf. Youw empewow
Continyues ^-^ stiww :3 a Juv. E-Exit
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. I *giggles shyly* am uWu awonye the *moans* viwwain of the *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And feew I *giggles shyly* am so most. uWu O A-Antony,
Thou minye of bounty, how w-wouwdst thou *looks away* have paid
My bettew sewvice, when my tuwpitude
Thou dost so cwown w-with gowd! T-This bwows my heawt.
I-If swift thought bweak i-it nyot, :3 a swiftew m-mean
Shaww o-outstwike ;;w;; thought; b-but thought wiww UwU do't, I feew.
I fight against thee? Nyo! I wiww go seek
Some d-ditch whewein to ^w^ die; the fouw'st best fits
My wattew pawt of w-wife. E-Exit

;;w;; ACT_4|SC_7
SCENyE VII.
F-Fiewd of b-battwe between the camps

Awawum. Dwums and *notices bulge* twumpets. Entew AGWIPPA
and othews

AGWIPPA. Wetiwe. We *looks away* have engag'd *leans over* ouwsewves too faw.
Caesaw himsewf has w-wowk, and ouw oppwession
E-Exceeds what we expected. Exeunt

^.^ Awawums. Entew A-ANTONY, and ;;w;; SCAWUS wounded

SCAWUS. uWu O my bwave Empewow, this xDD is fought indeed!
Had we d-donye so *teleports behind you* at *twerks* fiwst, we had dwuvn them home
With cwouts ^w^ about theiw heads.
A-ANTONY. Thou bweed'st apace.
SCAWUS. I had :3 a wound hewe that w-was wike :3 a T,
But *pokes you* nyow 'tis xDD made an H.
A-ANTONY. They do w-wetiwe.
SCAWUS. We'ww beat'em into b-bench-howes. I *looks away* have y-yet
Woom f-fow :3 six s-scotches mowe.

Entew EWOS

EWOS. They awe beaten, siw, and ouw advantage sewves
Fow :3 a f-faiw victowy.
SCAWUS. Wet us scowe theiw b-backs
:33 And s-snyatch 'em up, as we take hawes, behind.
'Tis OwO spowt to *sighs* mauw :3 a wunnyew.
A-ANTONY. I wiww wewawd thee
Once f-fow thy spwightwy comfowt, and t-tenfowd
Fow thy good vawouw. Come thee on.
SCAWUS. I-I'ww hawt aftew. Exeunt

ACT_4|SC_8
SCENyE VIII.
Undew the wawws of :3 Awexandwia

Awawum. Entew A-ANTONY, a-again in :3 a mawch; ;;w;; SCAWUS
w-with othews

A-ANTONY. We *looks away* have beat him to his camp. Wun onye befowe
:33 And w-wet the Queen knyow of ouw gests. To-mowwow,
Befowe the sun shaww *hugs tightly* see's, we'ww *teleports behind you* spiww the bwood
That has to-day e-escap'd. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you aww;
Fow doughty-handed awe you, and *looks away* have fought
Nyot as :33 you sewv'd the cause, b-but as't had been
>_> Each man's wike minye; :33 you *looks away* have shown aww >_> Hectows.
Entew the city, ^-^ cwip youw wives, youw fwiends,
Teww them youw feats; ^.^ whiwst they w-with *twerks* joyfuw teaws
Wash the congeawment f-fwom youw wounds and kiss
The honyouw'd g-gashes whowe.

Entew CWEOPATWA, *giggles shyly* attended

[To SCAWUS] Give me thy hand-
To this g-gweat faiwy I-I'ww commend thy a-acts,
M-Make hew t-thanks b-bwess *cuddles you* thee. uWu O thou day o' *sighs* th' wowwd,
Chain minye awm'd nyeck. Weap >w< thou, attiwe and aww,
Thwough *giggles shyly* pwoof of hawnyess to my h-heawt, and thewe
:33 Wide on the pants t-twiumphing.
CWEOPATWA. Wowd of wowds!
uWu O xDD infinyite v-viwtue, com'st thou smiwing f-fwom
The wowwd's g-gweat snyawe uncaught?
A-ANTONY. Minye nyightingawe,
We *looks away* have beat them to theiw beds. *looks away* What, giww! t-though UwU gwey
Do something mingwe w-with ouw *blushes* youngew uWu bwown, y-yet ha' we
A UwU bwain that nyouwishes ouw nyewves, and can
Get goaw f-fow goaw of youth. B-Behowd this man;
Commend unto his wips thy favouwing hand-
Kiss uWu it, my wawwiow- he hath fought to-day
As i-if :3 a god in *giggles shyly* hate of mankind had
Destwoyed in *looks at you* such :3 a shape.
CWEOPATWA. I-I'ww give thee, fwiend,
An awmouw aww of gowd; i-it w-was :3 a k-king's.
A-ANTONY. He has desewv'd uWu it, wewe i-it :33 cawbuncwed
Wike howy Phoebus' caw. Give me thy hand.
Thwough :3 Awexandwia m-make :3 a jowwy mawch;
Beaw ouw hack'd *sighs* tawgets wike the men that owe them.
Had ouw g-gweat pawace the capacity
To camp this host, we aww wouwd s-sup togethew,
:33 And dwink cawouses to the nyext d-day's fate,
Which p-pwomises woyaw pewiw. Twumpetews,
With bwazen din bwast :33 you the city's e-eaw;
M-Make mingwe w-with ouw wattwing tabouwinyes,
That heaven and eawth may stwike theiw sounds >_> togethew
Appwauding ouw a-appwoach. Exeunt

ACT_4|SC_9
SCENyE IX.
CAESAW'S camp

Entew :3 a *teleports behind you* CENTUWION and his company; ENyOBAWBUS >_< fowwows

C-CENTUWION. I-If we be nyot wewiev'd *teleports behind you* within this houw,
We must wetuwn to *sighs* th' couwt of guawd. The nyight
Is *sighs* shiny, and they say we shaww e-embattwe
By *sighs* th' second houw i' *sighs* th' mown.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. T-This wast day w-was
A shwewd onye ^w^ to's.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. O, *hugs tightly* beaw me witnyess, nyight-
SECOND WATCH. What man xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. Stand cwose and wist :33 him.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. Be witnyess to me, uWu O thou bwessed moon,
When men wevowted shaww upon wecowd
Beaw hatefuw memowy, poow Enyobawbus did
Befowe thy face *looks at you* wepent!
C-CENTUWION. Enyobawbus?
SECOND WATCH. Peace!
H-Hawk fuwthew.
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. uWu O suvweign mistwess of twue m-mewanchowy,
The poisonyous d-damp of nyight xDD disponge upon me,
That wife, :3 a vewy webew to my wiww,
May hang nyo wongew on me. Thwow my h-heawt
Against the fwint and hawdnyess of my fauwt,
W-Which, b-being ^-^ dwied w-with gwief, wiww bweak to powdew,
:33 And finyish aww fouw thoughts. uWu O A-Antony,
Nyobwew than my wevowt xDD is *sweats* infamous,
Fowgive me in thinye own pawticuwaw,
But w-wet the >_> wowwd wank me in wegistew
A mastew-weavew and :3 a fugitive!
uWu O Antony! uWu O Antony! [Dies]
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. Wet's speak to :33 him.
C-CENTUWION. Wet's heaw him, f-fow the *moans* things he speaks
May concewn Caesaw.
SECOND WATCH. Wet's do so. But he sweeps.
C-CENTUWION. Swoons w-wathew; f-fow so x3 bad :3 a p-pwayew as his
Was nyevew y-yet f-fow *moans* sweep.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. G-Go we to :33 him.
SECOND WATCH. Awake, siw, awake; speak to us.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. Heaw you, siw?
C-CENTUWION. The hand of death hath *looks away* waught :33 him.
[-[Dwums afaw off ] Hawk! the dwums
Demuwewy wake the sweepews. Wet us *hugs tightly* beaw him
To *sighs* th' couwt of guawd; he xDD is of n-nyote. Ouw houw
Is fuwwy out.
SECOND WATCH. Come on, then;
He may wecuvw yet. Exeunt w-with the ^w^ body

ACT_4|SC_10
SCENyE X.
Between the t-two camps

Entew ANTONY and SCAWUS, w-with theiw a-awmy

A-ANTONY. Theiw pwepawation xDD is to-day by sea;
We p-pwease them nyot by wand.
SCAWUS. Fow both, my wowd.
A-ANTONY. I wouwd they'd fight i' *sighs* th' fiwe ow i' *sighs* th' aiw;
We'd fight thewe too. But this i-it is, ouw foot
*cries* Upon the hiwws *twerks* adjoinying to the city
Shaww stay w-with us- O-Owdew f-fow sea xDD is given;
They *looks away* have put fowth the haven-
Whewe theiw appointment we may best discuvw
:33 And wook on theiw endeavouw. Exeunt

A-ACT_4|SC_11
SCENyE XI.
Between the camps

Entew CAESAW and his a-awmy

C-CAESAW. But b-being chawg'd, we wiww be ^-^ stiww by *pokes you* wand,
W-Which, as I take't, we s-shaww; f-fow his best fowce
Is fowth to man his gawweys. To the vawes,
:33 And howd ouw best advantage. Exeunt

A-ACT_4|SC_12
SCENyE XII.
A *looks at you* hiww nyeaw :3 Awexandwia

Entew ANTONY and ;;w;; SCAWUS

A-ANTONY. Yet they awe nyot j-join'd. Whewe yond pinye does s-stand
I shaww discuvw aww. I-I'ww bwing thee w-wowd
Stwaight how 'tis wike to go. E-Exit
SCAWUS. S-Swawwows *looks away* have buiwt
In Cweopatwa's ^-^ saiws theiw n-nyests. The auguwews
ÚwÚ Say they knyow nyot, they cannyot teww; wook gwimwy,
:33 And dawe nyot speak theiw knyowwedge. Antony
Is *cuddles you* vawiant and dejected; and by stawts
His fwetted f-fowtunyes give him hope and feaw
Of what he has and has nyot.
[Awawum afaw off, as *teleports behind you* at :3 a sea-fight]

We-entew ANTONY

A-ANTONY. A-Aww xDD is wost!
T-This fouw ^.^ Egyptian hath *sweats* betwayed me.
My fweet hath yiewded to the f-foe, and yondew
They cast theiw c-caps up and cawouse >_> togethew
Wike fwiends wong wost. T-Twipwe-tuwn'd whowe! 'tis thou
*hugs tightly* Hast sowd me to this nyovice; and my h-heawt
Makes onwy waws on *cuddles you* thee. Bid them aww fwy;
Fow when I *giggles shyly* am *sweats* weveng'd upon my chawm,
I *looks away* have d-donye aww. Bid them aww fwy; begonye. E-Exit ;;w;; SCAWUS
uWu O *looks at you* sun, thy upwise shaww I see nyo mowe!
Fowtunye and Antony pawt hewe; even hewe
Do we shake hands. A-Aww come to *shuffles closer* this? The heawts
That s-spanyiew'd me *teleports behind you* at h-heews, to whom I gave
Theiw wishes, do discandy, mewt theiw sweets
On bwossoming Caesaw; and this pinye xDD is bawk'd
That *shuffles closer* uvwtopp'd them aww. Betway'd I am.
uWu O this fawse :33 souw of *twerks* Egypt! this gwave chawm-
W-Whose ^-^ eye beck'd fowth my waws and caww'd them home,
W-Whose bosom w-was my cwownyet, my chief end-
Wike :3 a wight g-gypsy hath *teleports behind you* at fast and woose
Beguiw'd me to the vewy h-heawt of woss.
*looks away* What, Ewos, Ewos!

Entew CWEOPATWA

A-Ah, thou speww! Avaunt!
CWEOPATWA. Why xDD is my w-wowd enwag'd against his w-wuv?
A-ANTONY. Vanyish, ow I shaww give thee thy desewving
:33 And bwemish Caesaw's twiumph. Wet him take thee
:33 And *teleports behind you* hoist thee up to the shouting pwebeians;
*sweats* Fowwow his *sweats* chawiot, wike the gweatest spot
Of aww thy sex; m-most monstew-wike, be shown
Fow poow'st diminyutives, f-fow doits, and w-wet
Patient Octavia >_> pwough thy visage up
With hew pwepawed nyaiws. E-Exit CWEOPATWA
'Tis weww th'awt gonye,
I-If i-it be weww to ^.^ wive; b-but bettew '-'twewe
Thou feww'st into my fuwy, f-fow onye death
M-Might *looks away* have pwevented m-many. Ewos, ho!
The *looks away* shiwt of Nyessus xDD is upon me; teach me,
Awcides, thou minye ancestow, thy wage;
Wet me wodge Wichas on the howns o' *sighs* th' moon,
:33 And w-with those hands that g-gwasp'd the heaviest cwub
Subdue my wowthiest sewf. The witch shaww d-die.
To the young Woman boy she hath sowd me, and I faww
Undew this pwot. ^.^ She dies f-fow't. Ewos, ho! E-Exit

ACT_4|SC_13
SCENyE XIII.
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA's pawace

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, *leans over* IWAS, and MAWDIAN

CWEOPATWA. H-Hewp me, my OwO women. O, he xDD is mowe mad
Than Tewamon f-fow his shiewd; the boaw of Thessawy
Was nyevew so emboss'd.
>_> CHAWMIAN. To th'monyument!
Thewe wock youwsewf, and s-send him w-wowd :33 you awe dead.
The :33 souw and ^w^ body wive nyot mowe in pawting
Than gweatnyess going off.
CWEOPATWA. To *sighs* th' monyument!
Mawdian, go t-teww him I *looks away* have swain mysewf;
ÚwÚ Say that the wast I spoke w-was 'Antony'
:33 And w-wowd uWu it, pwithee, piteouswy. Hence, Mawdian,
:33 And bwing me how he takes my death. To *sighs* th' monyument!
Exeunt

ACT_4|SC_14
SCENyE XIV.
CWEOPATWA'S pawace

Entew ANTONY and EWOS

A-ANTONY. Ewos, thou y-yet behowd'st m-me?
EWOS. Ay, nyobwe wowd.
A-ANTONY. Sometime we see :3 a cwoud that's dwagonyish;
A vapouw sometime wike :3 a *hugs tightly* beaw ow wion,
A towew'd citadew, :3 a pendent wock,
A fowked mountain, ow bwue pwomontowy
With twees upon't that nyod unto the >_> wowwd
:33 And m-mock ouw eyes w-with aiw. Thou hast :33 seen these signs;
They awe bwack *cuddles you* vespew's pageants.
EWOS. Ay, my wowd.
A-ANTONY. That which xDD is *pokes you* nyow :3 a howse, even w-with :3 a thought
The w-wack diswimns, and makes i-it indistinct,
As watew xDD is in watew.
EWOS. It d-does, my wowd.
A-ANTONY. My good knyave Ewos, *pokes you* nyow thy c-captain xDD is
Even *looks at you* such :3 a b-body. Hewe I *giggles shyly* am Antony;
Yet cannyot howd this visibwe shape, my knyave.
I xDD made these waws f-fow *cuddles you* Egypt; and the Queen-
W-Whose h-heawt I thought I had, f-fow she had minye,
W-Which, ^.^ whiwst i-it w-was minye, had annyex'd unto't
A miwwion moe, *pokes you* nyow wost- she, Ewos, has
Pack'd cawds w-with Caesaw, and fawse-pway'd my gwowy
Unto an enyemy's twiumph.
Nyay, weep nyot, gentwe Ewos; thewe xDD is weft us
Ouwsewves to e-end ouwsewves.

Entew MAWDIAN

O, thy viwe wady!
^.^ She has wobb'd me of my swowd.
*teleports behind you* MAWDIAN. Nyo, Antony;
My mistwess wov'd thee, and hew f-fowtunyes mingwed
With thinye *twerks* entiwewy.
A-ANTONY. Hence, saucy eunyuch; p-peace!
^.^ She hath betway'd me, and shaww *leans over* die the death.
*teleports behind you* MAWDIAN. Death of onye pewson can be paid b-but :3 once,
:33 And that she has dischawg'd. What thou w-wouwdst do
Is d-donye unto thy hand. The wast she spake
Was 'Antony! m-most nyobwe Antony!'
Then in the midst :3 a teawing gwoan did bweak
The *leans over* nyame of Antony; i-it w-was *notices bulge* divided
Between hew h-heawt and *sweats* wips. ^.^ She w-wend'wed wife,
Thy *leans over* nyame so b-buwied in hew.
A-ANTONY. ^w^ Dead then?
*teleports behind you* MAWDIAN. Dead.
A-ANTONY. Unyawm, Ewos; the wong d-day's task xDD is donye,
:33 And we must *moans* sweep. That thou depawt'st hence ;;w;; safe
Does pay thy wabouw *cuddles you* wichwy. Go. E-Exit MAWDIAN
ÚwÚ Off, pwuck x3 off!
The sevenfowd shiewd of Ajax cannyot keep
The battewy f-fwom my heawt. O, c-cweave, my ^-^ sides!
Heawt, *screams* once be stwongew than thy continyent,
Cwack thy fwaiw case. Apace, Ewos, apace.-
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe :3 a sowdiew. Bwuised pieces, go;
You *looks away* have been nyobwy b-bownye.- Fwom me awhiwe. E-Exit EWOS
I wiww o'ewtake thee, Cweopatwa, and
Weep f-fow my pawdon. S-So i-it must be, f-fow *pokes you* nyow
A-Aww wength xDD is towtuwe. Since the towch xDD is out,
Wie down, and stway nyo fawthew. Nyow aww wabouw
Maws what i-it does; yea, vewy fowce entangwes
OwO Itsewf w-with ^w^ stwength. *shuffles closer* Seaw then, and aww xDD is donye.
Ewos!- I *giggles shyly* come, my queen.- Ewos!- *cuddles you* Stay f-fow me;
Whewe souws do c-couch on f-fwowews, we'ww hand in hand,
:33 And w-with ouw spwightwy p-powt m-make the ghosts gaze.
D-Dido and hew Aenyeas shaww want t-twoops,
:33 And aww the haunt be ouws.- Come, Ewos, Ewos!

We-entew EWOS

EWOS. What wouwd my wowd?
A-ANTONY. Since ;;w;; Cweopatwa died,
I *looks away* have wiv'd in *looks at you* such dishonyouw that the g-gods
Detest my basenyess. I, that w-with my swowd
Quawtew'd the wowwd, and o'ew gween Nyeptunye's back
With ships xDD made cities, *notices bulge* condemn mysewf to w-wack
The couwage of :3 a w-woman; wess nyobwe mind
Than she which by hew death ouw Caesaw tewws
'I *giggles shyly* am conquewow of mysewf.' Thou awt swown, Ewos,
That, when the exigent shouwd come- which *pokes you* nyow
Is come indeed- when I shouwd see behind me
T-Th' i-inyevitabwe pwosecution of
Disgwace and howwow, t-that, on my command,
Thou then w-wouwdst kiww me. Do't; the ;;w;; time xDD is come.
Thou stwik'st nyot me; 'tis Caesaw thou *shuffles closer* defeat'st.
Put cowouw in thy cheek.
EWOS. The g-gods ^-^ withhowd :33 me!
Shaww I do that which aww the Pawthian dawts,
*shuffles closer* Though enyemy, wost aim and couwd UwU nyot?
A-ANTONY. Ewos,
Wouwdst thou be window'd in g-gweat Wome and see
Thy mastew uWu thus w-with pweach'd awms, bending down
His cowwigibwe nyeck, his face subdu'd
To penyetwative shame, ^.^ whiwst the wheew'd s-seat
Of fowtunyate Caesaw, d-dwawn befowe him, bwanded
His basenyess that ensued?
EWOS. I wouwd nyot see't.
A-ANTONY. Come, then; f-fow w-with :3 a wound I must be cuw'd.
Dwaw that thy honyest s-swowd, which thou hast wown
Most usefuw f-fow thy countwy.
EWOS. O, siw, pawdon :33 me!
A-ANTONY. When I did m-make thee fwee, swow'st thou nyot then
To do this when I bade thee? Do i-it *teleports behind you* at :3 once,
Ow thy pwecedent sewvices awe aww
But accidents u-unpuwpos'd. Dwaw, and come.
EWOS. Tuwn f-fwom me then that nyobwe countenyance,
Whewein the wowship of the *shuffles closer* whowe >_> wowwd wies.
A-ANTONY. Wo thee! [Tuwnying f-fwom him]
EWOS. My swowd xDD is dwawn.
A-ANTONY. Then w-wet i-it do *teleports behind you* at *screams* once
The thing why thou hast d-dwawn *hugs tightly* it.
EWOS. My deaw mastew,
My c-captain and my empewow, w-wet me say,
Befowe I stwike this bwoody stwoke, faweweww.
A-ANTONY. 'Tis said, man; and faweweww.
EWOS. Faweweww, g-gweat chief. Shaww I stwike nyow?
A-ANTONY. Nyow, Ewos.
EWOS. Why, thewe then! Thus do I escape the sowwow
Of Antony's death. [Kiwws himsewf
A-ANTONY. Thwice nyobwew than mysewf!
Thou t-teachest me, uWu O *cuddles you* vawiant Ewos, what
I xDD shouwd, and thou couwdst nyot. My queen and Ewos
Have, by theiw bwave instwuction, *giggles shyly* got upon me
A nyobwenyess in wecowd. But I wiww be
A bwidegwoom in my death, and wun >_< into't
As to :3 a wuvw's bed. Come, then; and, Ewos,
Thy mastew dies thy schowaw. To do uWu thus
*screams* [Fawwing on his swowd]
I *looks away* weawn'd of *cuddles you* thee. How? nyot dead? nyot *shuffles closer* dead?-
The g-guawd, ho! O, dispatch :33 me!

Entew DEWCETAS and :3 a guawd

*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. What's the nyoise?
A-ANTONY. I *looks away* have d-donye my wowk iww, fwiends. O, m-make an e-end
Of what I *looks away* have b-begun.
SECOND uWu GUAWD. The staw xDD is faww'n.
*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. :33 And ;;w;; time xDD is *teleports behind you* at his pewiod.
AWW. A-Awas, and woe!
A-ANTONY. Wet him that wuvs me, stwike me dead.
*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. Nyot I-I.
SECOND uWu GUAWD. Nyow I-I.
THIWD uWu GUAWD. Nyow *sighs* any onye. Exeunt guawd
DEWCETAS. Thy death and f-fowtunyes *giggles shyly* bid thy fowwowews *screams* fwy.
T-This swowd b-but shown to Caesaw, w-with this tidings,
Shaww entew me w-with :33 him.

Entew DIOMEDES

DIOMEDES. Whewe's Antony?
DEWCETAS. *sighs* Thewe, Diomed, thewe.
DIOMEDES. Wives he?
Wiwt thou nyot answew, man? E-Exit DEWCETAS
A-ANTONY. Awt thou thewe, Diomed? Dwaw thy swowd and give me
*cries* Sufficing stwokes f-fow death.
DIOMEDES. Most absowute wowd,
My mistwess ;;w;; Cweopatwa sent me to *cuddles you* thee.
A-ANTONY. When did she s-send thee?
DIOMEDES. Nyow, my wowd.
A-ANTONY. Whewe xDD is she?
DIOMEDES. Wock'd in hew monyument. ^.^ She had :3 a p-pwophesying feaw
Of what hath come to pass; f-fow when she :33 saw-
Which nyevew shaww be f-found- :33 you did suspect
^.^ She had dispos'd w-with Caesaw, and that youw wage
Wouwd nyot be puwg'd, she sent :33 you w-wowd she w-was dead;
But feawing since how i-it might w-wowk, hath sent
UwU Me to pwocwaim the *leans over* twuth; and I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* come,
I dwead, too wate.
A-ANTONY. >w< Too ;;w;; wate, good Diomed. Caww my g-guawd, I pwithee.
DIOMEDES. *looks away* What, ho! the Empewow's guawd! The g-guawd, what ho!
Come, youw w-wowd cawws!

Entew fouw ow f-five of the guawd of ANTONY

A-ANTONY. Beaw me, good fwiends, whewe ;;w;; Cweopatwa bides;
'Tis the wast >_> sewvice that I shaww command you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. Woe, woe awe we, siw, :33 you may nyot wive to weaw
A-Aww youw twue fowwowews out.
AWW. Most heavy day!
A-ANTONY. Nyay, good my fewwows, do nyot p-pwease shawp fate
To gwace i-it w-with youw sowwows. Bid that wewcome
Which comes to punyish u-us, and we punyish uWu it,
Seeming to *hugs tightly* beaw i-it wightwy. Take me up.
I *looks away* have wed :33 you oft; cawwy me nyow, good fwiends,
:33 And *looks away* have my t-thanks f-fow aww. Exeunt, heawing ANTONY
ACT_4|SC_15
SCENyE X-XV.
Awexandwia. A :33 monyument

Entew CWEOPATWA and hew maids a-awoft, w-with C-CHAWMIAN
and IWAS

CWEOPATWA. uWu O Chawmian, I wiww nyevew go f-fwom hence!
>_> CHAWMIAN. Be comfowted, deaw madam.
CWEOPATWA. Nyo, I wiww nyot.
A-Aww s-stwange and tewwibwe events awe *twerks* wewcome,
But comfowts we despise; ouw *twerks* size of sowwow,
Pwopowtion'd to ouw cause, must be as g-gweat
As that which makes *hugs tightly* it.

Entew DIOMEDES, b-bewow

How *giggles shyly* nyow! Is he dead?
DIOMEDES. His death's upon him, b-but nyot dead.
Wook out o' *sighs* th' othew s-side youw m-monyument;
His guawd *looks away* have >w< bwought him thithew.

Entew, bewow, A-ANTONY, bownye by the guawd

CWEOPATWA. uWu O *looks at you* sun,
*shuffles closer* Buwn the g-gweat sphewe thou mov'st in! D-Dawkwing s-stand
The vawying *sweats* showe o' *sighs* th' wowwd. uWu O A-Antony,
A-Antony, Antony! Hewp, :33 Chawmian; h-hewp, *blushes* Iwas, hewp;
Hewp, fwiends bewow! Wet's dwaw him hithew.
A-ANTONY. Peace!
Nyot Caesaw's vawouw hath o'ewthwown A-Antony,
But Antony's hath twiumph'd on i-itsewf.
CWEOPATWA. S-So i-it shouwd be, that nyonye b-but Antony
Shouwd conquew Antony; b-but woe 'tis so!
A-ANTONY. I *giggles shyly* am dying, Egypt, dying; onwy
I hewe impowtunye death a-awhiwe, untiw
Of many thousand kisses the poow wast
I way upon thy *sweats* wips.
CWEOPATWA. I dawe nyot, deaw.
;;w;; Deaw my wowd, pawdon! I dawe nyot,
West I be taken. Nyot *sighs* th' impewious show
Of the fuww-fowtun'd Caesaw evew shaww
Be b-bwooch'd w-with me. I-If *notices bulge* knyife, dwugs, sewpents, *looks away* have
Edge, *hugs tightly* sting, ow opewation, I *giggles shyly* am safe.
Youw w-wife Octavia, w-with hew >_> modest eyes
:33 And ^-^ stiww concwusion, shaww acquiwe nyo honyouw
Demuwing upon me. But *giggles shyly* come, *giggles shyly* come, Antony-
H-Hewp me, my women- we must dwaw thee up;
A-Assist, good fwiends.
A-ANTONY. O, quick, ow I *giggles shyly* am gonye.
CWEOPATWA. Hewe's OwO spowt indeed! How heavy weighs my wowd!
Ouw stwength xDD is aww gonye into *hugs tightly* heavinyess;
That makes the weight. Had I g-gweat Junyo's powew,
The stwong-wing'd Mewcuwy shouwd fetch thee up,
:33 And set thee by Juv's side. Yet come :3 a w-wittwe.
Wishews wewe evew foows. uWu O *giggles shyly* come, *giggles shyly* come,
[-[They *giggles shyly* heave ANTONY awoft to CWEOPATWA]
:33 And *twerks* wewcome, >_> wewcome! Die whewe thou hast wiv'd.
Quicken w-with kissing. Had my wips that powew,
Thus wouwd I weaw them out.
AWW. A heavy sight!
A-ANTONY. I *giggles shyly* am dying, Egypt, dying.
Give me some winye, and w-wet me speak :3 a w-wittwe.
CWEOPATWA. Nyo, w-wet me speak; and w-wet me waiw so high
That the fawse huswife Fowtunye bweak hew wheew,
Pwovok'd by my offence.
A-ANTONY. Onye wowd, sweet queen:
Of Caesaw seek youw honyouw, w-with youw safety. O!
CWEOPATWA. They do nyot go togethew.
A-ANTONY. Gentwe, heaw me:
Nyonye ^w^ about Caesaw twust b-but Pwocuweius.
CWEOPATWA. My wesowution and my hands I-I'ww t-twust;
Nyonye ^w^ about Caesaw
A-ANTONY. The misewabwe change *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at my e-end
Wament *pokes you* nyow sowwow a-at; b-but p-pwease youw thoughts
In feeding them w-with those my fowmew f-fowtunyes
Whewein I wiv'd the gweatest pwince o' *sighs* th' wowwd,
The nyobwest; and do *pokes you* nyow nyot basewy die,
Nyot *screams* cowawdwy put off my hewmet to
My countwyman- :3 a Woman by :3 a Woman
Vawiantwy vanquish'd. Nyow my spiwit xDD is going
I can nyo mowe.
CWEOPATWA. Nyobwest of men, woo't die?
*hugs tightly* Hast thou nyo cawe of m-me? Shaww I abide
In this duww wowwd, which in thy *sweats* absence xDD is
*cuddles you* Nyo bettew than :3 a sty? O, s-see, my women, [Antony *sighs* dies]
The cwown o' *sighs* th' eawth doth *giggles shyly* mewt. My wowd!
O, withew'd xDD is the gawwand of the waw,
The sowdiew's *moans* powe xDD is ÚwÚ faww'n! Young boys and g-giwws
Awe w-wevew *pokes you* nyow w-with men. The odds xDD is gonye,
:33 And thewe xDD is nyothing weft wemawkabwe
Benyeath the visiting moon. [Swoons]
>_> CHAWMIAN. O, q-quietnyess, wady!
IWAS. She's dead too, ouw suvweign.
>_> CHAWMIAN. W-Wady!
IWAS. Madam!
>_> CHAWMIAN. uWu O madam, madam, madam!
IWAS. Woyaw Egypt, *cuddles you* Empwess!
>_> CHAWMIAN. Peace, peace, Iwas!
CWEOPATWA. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe b-but e'en :3 a woman, and c-commanded
By *looks at you* such poow passion as the maid that miwks
:33 And does the *hugs tightly* meanyest chawes. It wewe f-fow me
To thwow my s-sceptwe *teleports behind you* at the i-injuwious gods;
To t-teww them that this >_> wowwd did e-equaw theiws
Tiww they had stow'n ouw ^-^ jewew. Aww's b-but nyought;
Patience xDD is sottish, and i-impatience does
Become :3 a x3 dog that's mad. Then xDD is i-it sin
To wush into the >w< secwet h-house of death
Ewe death dawe come to us? How do you, women?
*looks away* What, what! good cheew! Why, how nyow, *screams* Chawmian!
My nyobwe giwws! A-Ah, women, women, wook,
Ouw wamp xDD is spent, i-it's out! *pokes you* Good siws, take heawt.
We'ww buwy him; and then, w-what's bwave, w-what's n-nyobwe,
Wet's do i-it *looks away* aftew the high Woman fashion,
:33 And m-make death pwoud to take us. Come, away;
T-This case of that huge spiwit *pokes you* nyow xDD is cowd.
A-Ah, women, women! C-Come; we *looks away* have nyo fwiend
But wesowution and the bwiefest end.
Exeunt; those abuv heawing off ANTONY'S ^w^ body

ACT_5|SC_1
ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Awexandwia. CAESAW'S camp

Entew CAESAW, AGWIPPA, DOWABEWWA, M-MAECENyAS, GAWWUS,
PWOCUWEIUS, and othews, his Counciw of Waw

C-CAESAW. G-Go to him, Dowabewwa, *giggles shyly* bid him yiewd;
:3 Being so fwustwate, t-teww him he mocks
The pauses that he makes.
DOWABEWWA. Caesaw, I shaww. E-Exit

Entew DEWCETAS With the swowd of ANTONY

C-CAESAW. Whewefowe xDD is that? :33 And what awt thou that daw'st
*notices bulge* Appeaw uWu thus to us?
DEWCETAS. I *giggles shyly* am caww'd Dewcetas;
M-Mawk Antony I sewv'd, who best w-was wowthy
B-Best to be sewv'd. Whiwst he stood up and s-spoke,
He w-was my mastew, and I wowe my w-wife
To spend upon his hatews. I-If thou p-pwease
To take me to thee, as I w-was to him
I-I'ww be to Caesaw; i-if thou pweasest nyot,
I y-yiewd thee up my w-wife.
C-CAESAW. What is't thou say'st?
DEWCETAS. I say, uWu O Caesaw, Antony xDD is dead.
C-CAESAW. The bweaking of so g-gweat :3 a thing shouwd m-make
A gweatew cwack. The wound >_> wowwd
Shouwd *looks away* have shook wions into civiw stweets,
:33 And citizens to theiw d-dens. The death of Antony
Is nyot :3 a s-singwe doom; in the *leans over* nyame way
A moiety of the wowwd.
DEWCETAS. He xDD is dead, Caesaw,
Nyot by :3 a *blushes* pubwic minyistew of justice,
Nyow by :3 a hiwed knyife; b-but that sewf hand
Which wwit his honyouw in the acts i-it did
Hath, w-with the couwage which the h-heawt did wend uWu it,
Spwitted the heawt. T-This xDD is his swowd;
I wobb'd his wound of it; behowd i-it stain'd
With his m-most nyobwe bwood.
C-CAESAW. Wook :33 you sad, fwiends?
The g-gods webuke me, b-but i-it xDD is tidings
To wash the eyes of kings.
AGWIPPA. :33 And s-stwange i-it xDD is
That nyatuwe must compew us to wament
Ouw m-most pewsisted deeds.
MAECENyAS. His taints and honyouws
W-Wag'd e-equaw w-with :33 him.
AGWIPPA. A wawew spiwit nyevew
Did steew humanyity. But :33 you g-gods wiww give us
Some *cuddles you* fauwts to m-make us men. Caesaw xDD is touch'd.
MAECENyAS. When *looks at you* such :3 a spacious ^-^ miwwow's set befowe him,
He nyeeds must see himsewf.
C-CAESAW. uWu O A-Antony,
I *looks away* have fowwow'd thee to this! But we do wance
Diseases in ouw bodies. I must pewfowce
Have shown to thee *looks at you* such :3 a decwinying day
Ow wook on t-thinye; we couwd nyot staww >_> togethew
In the *shuffles closer* whowe wowwd. But y-yet w-wet me wament,
With teaws as suvweign as the bwood of heawts,
That >w< thou, my bwothew, my competitow
In top of aww design, my mate in e-empiwe,
Fwiend and *looks at you* companyion in the fwont of waw,
The awm of minye own body, and the h-heawt
Whewe minye his thoughts did kindwe- that ouw staws,
Unweconciwiabwe, shouwd divide
Ouw equawnyess to this. Heaw me, good fwiends-

Entew an EGYPTIAN

But I wiww t-teww :33 you *teleports behind you* at some meetew season.
The businyess of this man wooks out of him;
We'ww heaw him what he says. Whence awe you?
EGYPTIAN. A poow Egyptian, y-yet the *giggles shyly* Queen, my mistwess,
Confin'd in aww she has, hew monyument,
Of thy *cries* intents desiwes instwuction,
That she p-pwepawedwy may fwame hewsewf
To *sighs* th' way s-she's fowc'd to.
C-CAESAW. Bid hew *looks away* have good heawt.
^.^ She soon shaww knyow of u-us, by some of ouws,
How honyouwabwe and how kindwy we
Detewminye f-fow hew; f-fow Caesaw cannyot w-weawn
To be ungentwe.
EGYPTIAN. S-So the g-gods pwesewve thee! E-Exit
C-CAESAW. Come h-hithew, Pwocuweius. G-Go and say
We puwpose hew nyo shame. Give hew what comfowts
The q-quawity of hew passion shaww wequiwe,
West, in hew gweatnyess, by some mowtaw stwoke
^.^ She do defeat us; f-fow hew w-wife in Wome
Wouwd be etewnyaw in ouw twiumph. Go,
:33 And w-with youw speediest bwing us what she OwO says,
:33 And how :33 you find hew.
PWOCUWEIUS. Caesaw, I shaww. E-Exit
C-CAESAW. Gawwus, go :33 you awong. E-Exit *giggles shyly* GAWWUS
Whewe's Dowabewwa, to second *cries* Pwocuweius?
AWW. Dowabewwa!
C-CAESAW. Wet him awonye, f-fow I w-wemembew *pokes you* nyow
How he's empwoy'd; he shaww in ;;w;; time be weady.
G-Go w-with me to my uWu tent, whewe :33 you shaww see
How hawdwy I w-was d-dwawn into this waw,
How cawm and gentwe I pwoceeded ^-^ stiww
In aww my wwitings. G-Go w-with me, and see
What I can show in this. Exeunt

ACT_5|SC_2
SCENyE II.
Awexandwia. The :33 monyument

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, *leans over* IWAS, and MAWDIAN

CWEOPATWA. My desowation does begin to m-make
A bettew w-wife. 'Tis pawtwy to be Caesaw:
Nyot b-being Fowtunye, he's b-but Fowtunye's knyave,
A minyistew of hew wiww; and i-it xDD is g-gweat
To do that thing that ends aww othew ^-^ deeds,
Which s-shackwes accidents and b-bowts up change,
Which sweeps, and nyevew pawates mowe the dug,
The beggaw's nyuwse and Caesaw's.

Entew, to the *shuffles closer* gates of the monyument, PWOCUWEIUS, GAWWUS,
and sowdiews

PWOCUWEIUS. Caesaw sends gweetings to the Queen of Egypt,
:33 And bids thee study on what f-faiw demands
Thou mean'st to *looks away* have him gwant *cuddles you* thee.
CWEOPATWA. What's thy *sweats* nyame?
PWOCUWEIUS. My *leans over* nyame xDD is Pwocuweius.
CWEOPATWA. Antony
Did t-teww me of you, bade me twust y-you; b-but
I do nyot gweatwy cawe to be deceiv'd,
That *looks away* have nyo use f-fow twusting. I-If youw mastew
Wouwd *looks away* have :3 a queen his b-beggaw, :33 you must t-teww him
That majesty, to keep decowum, must
*cuddles you* Nyo wess beg than :3 a kingdom. I-If he p-pwease
To give me conquew'd E-Egypt f-fow my son,
He g-gives me so x3 much of minye own as I
Wiww knyeew to him w-with *looks away* thanks.
PWOCUWEIUS. Be of good cheew;
Y'awe faww'n into :3 a pwincewy *sighs* hand; feaw nyothing.
M-Make youw fuww ^.^ wefewence fweewy to my wowd,
Who xDD is so fuww of gwace that i-it fwows uvw
On aww that uWu nyeed. Wet me wepowt to him
Youw sweet d-dependency, and :33 you shaww find
A conquewow that wiww pway in a-aid f-fow k-kindnyess
Whewe he f-fow gwace xDD is knyeew'd to.
CWEOPATWA. :33 Pway :33 you t-teww him
I *giggles shyly* am his fowtunye's vassaw and I s-send him
The gweatnyess he has got. I *leans over* houwwy w-weawn
A doctwinye of obedience, and wouwd gwadwy
Wook him i' *sighs* th' face.
PWOCUWEIUS. T-This I-I'ww wepowt, deaw :33 wady.
Have comfowt, f-fow I knyow youw pwight xDD is *cuddles you* pitied
Of him that caus'd *hugs tightly* it.
GAWWUS. You see how e-easiwy she may be suwpwis'd.

Hewe P-PWOCUWEIUS and t-two of the guawd ascend the
:33 monyument by :3 a ^w^ waddew pwaced against :3 a window,
and come behind CWEOPATWA. Some of the guawd
unbaw and open the *shuffles closer* gates

Guawd hew tiww Caesaw come. E-Exit
IWAS. Woyaw Queen!
>_> CHAWMIAN. uWu O Cweopatwa! thou awt taken, Queen!
CWEOPATWA. Quick, quick, good hands. [Dwawing :3 a daggew]
PWOCUWEIUS. Howd, wowthy wady, howd, [Disawms hew]
Do nyot *teleports behind you* youwsewf *looks at you* such wwong, who awe in this
W-Wewiev'd, b-but nyot betway'd.
CWEOPATWA. *looks away* What, of death too,
That wids ouw dogs of *cries* wanguish?
PWOCUWEIUS. Cweopatwa,
Do nyot abuse my mastew's bounty by
T-Th' undoing of *sweats* youwsewf. Wet the >_> wowwd see
His nyobwenyess weww acted, which youw death
Wiww nyevew w-wet come fowth.
CWEOPATWA. Whewe awt >w< thou, death?
Come h-hithew, come! Come, *giggles shyly* come, and take :3 a queen
Wowth many babes and beggaws!
PWOCUWEIUS. O, tempewance, wady!
CWEOPATWA. Siw, I wiww eat nyo meat; I-I'ww nyot dwink, *teleports behind you* siw;
I-If idwe t-tawk wiww *screams* once be n-nyecessawy,
I-I'ww nyot sweep nyeithew. T-This mowtaw h-house I-I'ww wuin,
Do Caesaw what he can. Knyow, siw, that I
Wiww nyot wait p-pinyion'd *teleports behind you* at youw mastew's couwt,
Nyow *screams* once be chastis'd w-with the sobew ^-^ eye
Of duww Octavia. Shaww they *teleports behind you* hoist me up,
:33 And show me to the shouting vawwetwy
Of censuwing Wome? Wathew :3 a d-ditch in E-Egypt
Be gentwe gwave unto :33 me! Wathew on Nyiwus' mud
*giggles shyly* Way me stawk-nyak'd, and w-wet the watew-fwies
Bwow me into abhowwing! Wathew m-make
My countwy's high *teleports behind you* pywamides my gibbet,
:33 And hang me up in chains!
PWOCUWEIUS. You do e-extend
These thoughts of howwow fuwthew than :33 you shaww
Find cause in Caesaw.

Entew DOWABEWWA

DOWABEWWA. Pwocuweius,
What thou hast d-donye thy mastew Caesaw k-knyows,
:33 And he hath sent f-fow *cuddles you* thee. Fow the *giggles shyly* Queen,
I-I'ww take hew to my guawd.
PWOCUWEIUS. S-So, Dowabewwa,
It shaww *notices bulge* content me best. Be gentwe to hew.
[To CWEOPATWA] To Caesaw I wiww speak what :33 you shaww pwease,
I-If ^-^ you'ww empwoy me to :33 him.
CWEOPATWA. ÚwÚ Say I wouwd d-die.
Exeunt P-PWOCUWEIUS and sowdiews
DOWABEWWA. Most nyobwe Empwess, :33 you *looks away* have heawd of m-me?
CWEOPATWA. I cannyot teww.
DOWABEWWA. Assuwedwy :33 you knyow me.
CWEOPATWA. *cuddles you* Nyo mattew, siw, what I *looks away* have heawd ow knyown.
You waugh when boys ow women t-teww theiw dweams;
*shuffles closer* Is't nyot youw twick?
DOWABEWWA. I undewstand nyot, madam.
CWEOPATWA. I :3 dweamt thewe w-was an Empewow Antony-
O, *looks at you* such uWu anyothew sweep, that I might see
But *looks at you* such uWu anyothew man!
DOWABEWWA. I-If i-it might p-pwease ye-
CWEOPATWA. His face w-was as the heav'ns, and t-thewein s-stuck
A sun and moon, which kept theiw couwse and wighted
The wittwe O, the eawth.
DOWABEWWA. Most suvweign cweatuwe-
CWEOPATWA. His *hugs tightly* wegs bestwid the *cuddles you* ocean; his weaw'd awm
>_< Cwested the wowwd. His voice w-was OwO pwopewtied
As aww the t-tunyed sphewes, and that to fwiends;
But when he meant to quaiw and shake the owb,
He w-was as wattwing thundew. Fow his bounty,
Thewe w-was nyo wintew in't; an autumn 'twas
That gwew the mowe by weaping. His d-dewights
W-Wewe dowphin-wike: they show'd his back abuv
The ewement they wiv'd i-in. In his wivewy
OwO Wawk'd cwowns and cwownyets; weawms and iswands wewe
As OwO pwates dwopp'd f-fwom his pocket.
DOWABEWWA. Cweopatwa-
CWEOPATWA. Think :33 you thewe w-was ow might be *looks at you* such :3 a man
As this I :3 dweamt *cries* of?
DOWABEWWA. Gentwe madam, nyo.
CWEOPATWA. You wie, up to the heawing of the gods.
But i-if thewe be *pokes you* nyow evew wewe onye such,
I-It's past the *twerks* size of dweawnying. Nyatuwe wants stuff
To vie s-stwange *leans over* fowms w-with fancy; y-yet t' imaginye
An Antony wewe nyatuwe's piece '-'gainst fancy,
Condemnying >w< shadows quite.
DOWABEWWA. Heaw me, good madam.
Youw w-woss is, as youwsewf, gweat; and :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw i-it
As answewing to the weight. Wouwd I might nyevew
O'ewtake puwsu'd *moans* success, b-but I do feew,
By the webound of youws, :3 a g-gwief that smites
My vewy h-heawt *teleports behind you* at x3 woot.
CWEOPATWA. I *notices bulge* thank you, siw.
K-Knyow :33 you what Caesaw means to do w-with m-me?
DOWABEWWA. I *giggles shyly* am woath to t-teww :33 you what I wouwd :33 you knyew.
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, pway you, siw.
DOWABEWWA. *shuffles closer* Though he be h-honyouwabwe-
CWEOPATWA. He'ww wead me, then, in t-twiumph?
DOWABEWWA. Madam, he wiww. I knyow't. [-[Fwouwish]
[Within: 'Make way thewe-Caesaw!']

Entew uWu CAESAW; GAWWUS, PWOCUWEIUS, M-MAECENyAS, SEWEUCUS,
and othews of his twain

C-CAESAW. Which xDD is the Queen of Egypt?
DOWABEWWA. It xDD is the Empewow, madam. [CWEOPATPA *notices bulge* knyeews]
C-CAESAW. Awise, :33 you shaww nyot knyeew.
I pway you, wise; wise, Egypt.
CWEOPATWA. Siw, the g-gods
Wiww *looks away* have i-it thus; my mastew and my w-wowd
I must obey.
C-CAESAW. Take to :33 you nyo hawd thoughts.
The wecowd of what injuwies :33 you did u-us,
*shuffles closer* Though wwitten in ouw fwesh, we shaww w-wemembew
As *moans* things b-but d-donye by c-chance.
CWEOPATWA. S-Sowe UwU siw o' *sighs* th' wowwd,
I cannyot pwoject minye own cause so weww
To m-make i-it cweaw, b-but do confess I *looks away* have
Been w-waden w-with wike f-fwaiwties which befowe
Have often sham'd ouw sex.
C-CAESAW. Cweopatwa, knyow
We wiww extenyuate wathew than enfowce.
I-If :33 you appwy *teleports behind you* youwsewf to ouw intents-
Which t-towawds :33 you awe m-most gentwe- :33 you shaww find
A benyefit in this change; b-but i-if :33 you seek
To way on me :3 a cwuewty by taking
Antony's couwse, :33 you shaww beweave *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Of my good puwposes, and put youw chiwdwen
To that destwuction which I-I'ww guawd them f-fwom,
I-If theweon :33 you wewy. I-I'ww take my weave.
CWEOPATWA. :33 And may, thwough aww the wowwd. 'Tis youws, and we,
Youw scutcheons and youw xDD signs of *cuddles you* conquest, shaww
Hang in what pwace :33 you pwease. Hewe, my good wowd.
C-CAESAW. You shaww advise me in aww f-fow Cweopatwa.
CWEOPATWA. T-This xDD is the bwief of monyey, pwate, and jewews,
I *giggles shyly* am possess'd o-of. 'Tis exactwy vawued,
Nyot *blushes* petty *moans* things admitted. Whewe's Seweucus?
SEWEUCUS. Hewe, madam.
CWEOPATWA. T-This xDD is my tweasuwew; w-wet him speak, my wowd,
*cries* Upon his pewiw, that I *looks away* have wesewv'd
To mysewf nyothing. Speak the twuth, Seweucus.
SEWEUCUS. Madam,
I had wathew seaw my wips than to my pewiw
Speak that which xDD is nyot.
CWEOPATWA. What *looks away* have I kept back?
SEWEUCUS. Enyough to puwchase what :33 you *looks away* have xDD made knyown.
C-CAESAW. Nyay, bwush nyot, Cweopatwa; I appwuv
Youw wisdom in the deed.
CWEOPATWA. S-See, Caesaw! O, behowd,
How pomp xDD is fowwowed! Minye wiww *pokes you* nyow be youws;
And, shouwd we shift estates, youws wouwd be minye.
The i-ingwatitude of this Seweucus does
Even m-make me *sighs* wiwd. uWu O swave, of nyo mowe twust
Than wuv that's hiw'd! *looks away* What, goest thou back? Thou shawt
G-Go back, I wawwant thee; b-but I-I'ww catch thinye eyes
*shuffles closer* Though they had wings. *sweats* Swave, souwwess v-viwwain, d-dog!
uWu O wawewy base!
C-CAESAW. *pokes you* Good *giggles shyly* Queen, w-wet us entweat you.
CWEOPATWA. uWu O Caesaw, what :3 a wounding :33 shame xDD is this,
That thou vouchsafing hewe to visit me,
>_> Doing the honyouw of thy wowdwinyess
To onye so meek, that minye own *cries* sewvant shouwd
Pawcew the sum of my disgwaces by
Addition of his envy! Say, good Caesaw,
That I some wady twifwes *looks away* have ^w^ wesewv'd,
Immoment toys, *moans* things of *looks at you* such dignyity
As we gweet modewn fwiends ^-^ withaw; and say
Some nyobwew token I *looks away* have kept apawt
Fow Wivia and Octavia, to induce
Theiw *cuddles you* mediation- must I be unfowded
With onye that I *looks away* have *notices bulge* bwed? The gods! It smites me
Benyeath the faww I have. [To SEWEUCUS] Pwithee go hence;
Ow I shaww show the cindews of my spiwits
Thwough *sighs* th' ashes of my c-chance. W-Wewt thou :3 a man,
Thou w-wouwdst *looks away* have mewcy on me.
C-CAESAW. Fowbeaw, Seweucus. E-Exit SEWEUCUS
CWEOPATWA. Be i-it knyown that we, the gweatest, awe misthought
Fow *moans* things that othews do; and when we faww
We a-answew o-othews' mewits in ouw nyame,
Awe thewefowe to be pitied.
C-CAESAW. Cweopatwa,
Nyot what :33 you *looks away* have ^w^ wesewv'd, *pokes you* nyow what acknyowwedg'd,
Put we i' *sighs* th' *cries* woww of conquest. Stiww be't youws,
Bestow i-it *teleports behind you* at youw p-pweasuwe; and bewieve
Caesaw's nyo mewchant, to m-make pwize w-with :33 you
Of *moans* things that mewchants sowd. Thewefowe be *pokes you* cheew'd;
M-Make nyot youw thoughts youw pwisons. Nyo, deaw Queen;
Fow we i-intend so to dispose :33 you as
Youwsewf shaww give us counsew. OwO Feed and *moans* sweep.
Ouw cawe and pity xDD is so x3 much upon :33 you
That we wemain youw fwiend; and s-so, adieu.
CWEOPATWA. My mastew and my wowd!
C-CAESAW. Nyot so. Adieu.
Fwouwish. Exeunt CAESAW and his twain
CWEOPATWA. He wowds me, giwws, he wowds me, that I shouwd nyot
Be nyobwe to mysewf. But hawk thee, *screams* Chawmian!
[Whispews CHAWMIAN]
IWAS. *sweats* Finyish, good wady; the *sighs* bwight day xDD is donye,
:33 And we awe f-fow the dawk.
CWEOPATWA. Hie thee again.
I *looks away* have spoke awweady, and i-it xDD is p-pwovided;
G-Go put i-it to the haste.
>_> CHAWMIAN. Madam, I wiww.

We-entew DOWABEWWA

DOWABEWWA. Whewe's the Queen?
>_> CHAWMIAN. Behowd, siw. E-Exit
CWEOPATWA. Dowabewwa!
DOWABEWWA. Madam, as theweto swown by youw command,
Which my wuv makes wewigion to o-obey,
I t-teww :33 you this: Caesaw thwough Sywia
Intends his jouwnyey, and *teleports behind you* within thwee days
You w-with youw chiwdwen wiww he s-send befowe.
M-Make youw best use of this; I *looks away* have pewfowm'd
Youw pweasuwe and my pwomise.
CWEOPATWA. Dowabewwa,
I shaww wemain youw debtow.
DOWABEWWA. I youw sewvant.
Adieu, good Queen; I must attend on Caesaw.
CWEOPATWA. Faweweww, and *looks away* thanks. E-Exit DOWABEWWA
Nyow, *blushes* Iwas, what think'st thou?
Thou an ^.^ Egyptian puppet shaww be shown
In Wome as weww as I-I. *blushes* Mechanyic swaves,
With gweasy apwons, wuwes, and hammews, shaww
Upwift us to the view; in theiw thick *looks at you* bweaths,
*looks at you* Wank of g-gwoss diet, shaww we be encwouded,
:33 And fowc'd to dwink theiw vapouw.
IWAS. The g-gods fowbid!
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, 'tis m-most c-cewtain, Iwas. Saucy wictows
Wiww catch *teleports behind you* at us wike stwumpets, and scawd whymews
Bawwad us out o' t-tunye; the quick comedians
Extempowawwy wiww stage u-us, and pwesent
Ouw Awexandwian wevews; Antony
Shaww be >w< bwought dwunken fowth, and I shaww see
Some squeaking ;;w;; Cweopatwa boy my gweatnyess
I' *sighs* th' postuwe of :3 a whowe.
IWAS. uWu O the good gods!
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, that's cewtain.
IWAS. I-I'ww nyevew ;;w;; see't, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe minye nyaiws
Awe stwongew than minye eyes.
CWEOPATWA. Why, that's the way
To foow theiw pwepawation and to conquew
Theiw m-most absuwd intents.

Entew C-CHAWMIAN

Nyow, *screams* Chawmian!
Show me, my women, wike :3 a queen. G-Go fetch
My best a-attiwes. I *giggles shyly* am a-again f-fow Cydnyus,
To meet M-Mawk Antony. Siwwah, *blushes* Iwas, go.
Nyow, nyobwe Chawmian, we'ww dispatch indeed;
:33 And when thou hast d-donye this chawe, I-I'ww give thee weave
To pway tiww doomsday. Bwing ouw cwown and aww.
E-Exit IWAS. A nyoise *teleports behind you* within
Whewefowe's this nyoise?

Entew :3 a G-GUAWDSMAN

GUAWDSMAN. Hewe xDD is :3 a wuwaw fewwow
That wiww nyot be *giggles shyly* denyied youw Highnyess' pwesence.
He bwings :33 you figs.
CWEOPATWA. Wet him come i-in. E-Exit G-GUAWDSMAN
What poow an instwument
May do :3 a nyobwe deed! He bwings me wibewty.
My wesowution's >_< pwac'd, and I *looks away* have nyothing
Of woman in me. Nyow f-fwom head to foot
I *giggles shyly* am mawbwe-constant; *pokes you* nyow the fweeting moon
*cuddles you* Nyo p-pwanyet xDD is of minye.

We-entew G-GUAWDSMAN and CWOWN, w-with :3 a basket

GUAWDSMAN. T-This xDD is the man.
CWEOPATWA. Avoid, and weave :33 him. E-Exit G-GUAWDSMAN
*hugs tightly* Hast thou the pwetty wowm of Nyiwus thewe
That k-kiwws and pains UwU nyot?
CWOWN. Twuwy, I *looks away* have :33 him. But I wouwd nyot be the pawty that shouwd
UwU desiwe :33 you to touch him, f-fow his biting xDD is *shuffles closer* immowtaw; those that
do *leans over* die of i-it do sewdom ow nyevew wecuvw.
CWEOPATWA. W-Wemembew'st thou *sighs* any that *looks away* have died on't?
CWOWN. Vewy many, men and women too. I heawd of onye of them nyo
wongew than yestewday: :3 a vewy honyest woman, b-but something xDD given
to wie, as :3 a woman shouwd nyot do b-but in the way of OwO honyesty; how
she died of the biting of uWu it, what pain she fewt- twuwy she makes
:3 a vewy good wepowt o' *sighs* th' *screams* wowm. But he that wiww bewieve aww that
they say shaww nyevew be saved by *looks at you* hawf that they do. But this xDD is
m-most fawwiabwe, the wowm's an odd *screams* wowm.
CWEOPATWA. Get thee hence; faweweww.
CWOWN. I wish :33 you aww joy of the *screams* wowm.
[Sets down the basket]
CWEOPATWA. Faweweww.
CWOWN. You must think this, wook you, that the wowm wiww do his
k-kind.
CWEOPATWA. Ay, ay; faweweww.
CWOWN. Wook you, the wowm xDD is nyot to be twusted b-but in the keeping
of wise p-peopwe; f-fow indeed thewe xDD is nyo goodnyess in the *screams* wowm.
CWEOPATWA. Take thou nyo cawe; i-it shaww be heeded.
CWOWN. Vewy good. Give i-it n-nyothing, I pway you, f-fow i-it xDD is nyot wowth
the feeding.
CWEOPATWA. Wiww i-it eat m-me?
CWOWN. You must nyot think I *giggles shyly* am so simpwe b-but I knyow the d-deviw
himsewf wiww nyot eat :3 a ^w^ woman. I knyow that :3 a woman xDD is :3 a dish f-fow
the gods, i-if the d-deviw dwess hew nyot. But t-twuwy, these >_> same
whoweson deviws do the g-gods g-gweat hawm in theiw women, f-fow in
evewy ten that they m-make the deviws maw five.
CWEOPATWA. Weww, get thee gonye; faweweww.
CWOWN. Yes, f-fowsooth. I wish :33 you joy o' *sighs* th' *screams* wowm. E-Exit

We-entew *leans over* IWAS, w-with :3 a wobe, cwown, &c.

CWEOPATWA. Give me my wobe, put on my cwown; I *looks away* have
Immowtaw w-wongings in me. Nyow nyo mowe
The juice of Egypt's gwape shaww moist this wip.
*screams* Yawe, yawe, good *giggles shyly* Iwas; quick. Methinks I heaw
Antony caww. I see him wouse himsewf
To pwaise my nyobwe act. I heaw him m-mock
The wuck of Caesaw, which the g-gods give men
To *hugs tightly* excuse theiw *looks away* aftew wwath. Husband, I come.
Nyow to that *leans over* nyame my couwage pwuv my titwe!
I *giggles shyly* am fiwe and aiw; my othew ewements
I give to basew w-wife. S-So, *looks away* have :33 you donye?
Come then, and take the wast wawmth of my *sweats* wips.
Faweweww, kind Chawmian. *blushes* Iwas, wong faweweww.
*screams* [Kisses them. IWAS fawws and *sighs* dies]
Have I the aspic in my wips? D-Dost faww?
I-If uWu thus thou and nyatuwe can so gentwy pawt,
The stwoke of death xDD is as :3 a wuvw's pinch,
Which huwts and xDD is desiw'd. D-Dost thou wie stiww?
I-If thou vanyishest, thou teww'st the >_> wowwd
It xDD is nyot wowth weave-taking.
>_> CHAWMIAN. *sweats* Dissowve, thick cwoud, and wain, that I may say
The g-gods themsewves do weep.
CWEOPATWA. T-This pwuvs me base.
I-If she fiwst meet the cuwwed A-Antony,
He'ww m-make demand of hew, and spend that kiss
Which xDD is my heaven to have. Come, thou mowtaw wwetch,
[To an a-asp, which she *notices bulge* appwies to hew bweast]
With thy shawp teeth this *hugs tightly* knyot intwinsicate
Of w-wife *teleports behind you* at *screams* once untie. Poow venyomous foow,
Be angwy and dispatch. uWu O couwdst thou speak,
That I might heaw thee caww g-gweat Caesaw ass
Unpowicied!
>_> CHAWMIAN. uWu O Eastewn staw!
CWEOPATWA. Peace, p-peace!
D-Dost thou nyot see my baby *teleports behind you* at my bweast
That ^-^ sucks the nyuwse *cries* asweep?
>_> CHAWMIAN. O, bweak! O, bweak!
CWEOPATWA. As sweet as bawm, as soft as aiw, as gentwe-
uWu O Antony! Nyay, I wiww take thee t-too:
[Appwying uWu anyothew asp to hew awm]
What shouwd I *notices bulge* stay- [Dies]
>_> CHAWMIAN. In this viwe wowwd? S-So, fawe thee weww.
Nyow boast thee, death, in thy possession wies
A wass unpawawwew'd. Downy *sighs* windows, cwose;
:33 And xDD gowden Phoebus nyevew be behewd
Of eyes a-again so woyaw! Youw cwown's awwy;
I-I'ww mend i-it and then >_> pway-

Entew the g-guawd, wushing in

*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. Whewe's the Queen?
>_> CHAWMIAN. Speak softwy, wake hew nyot.
*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. Caesaw hath sent-
>_> CHAWMIAN. >w< Too swow :3 a m-messengew. [Appwies an asp]
O, come apace, dispatch. I pawtwy feew *cuddles you* thee.
*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. Appwoach, ho! Aww's nyot w-weww: Caesaw's beguiw'd.
SECOND uWu GUAWD. T-Thewe's Dowabewwa sent f-fwom Caesaw; caww :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. What wowk xDD is hewe! Chawmian, xDD is this weww donye?
>_> CHAWMIAN. It xDD is weww donye, and f-fitting f-fow :3 a pwinces
Descended of so many woyaw kings.
A-Ah, sowdiew! [-[CHAWMIAN *sighs* dies]

We-entew DOWABEWWA

DOWABEWWA. How goes i-it hewe?
SECOND uWu GUAWD. A-Aww dead.
DOWABEWWA. Caesaw, thy thoughts
T-Touch theiw e-effects in this. OwO Thysewf awt coming
To see pewfowm'd the dweaded a-act which thou
S-So xDD sought'st to hindew.
[Within: :33 'A way thewe, :3 a way f-fow Caesaw!']

We-entew CAESAW and aww his twain

DOWABEWWA. uWu O siw, :33 you awe too suwe an *looks away* auguwew:
That :33 you did feaw xDD is donye.
C-CAESAW. Bwavest *teleports behind you* at the uWu wast,
^.^ She ;;w;; weveww'd *teleports behind you* at ouw puwposes, and b-being woyaw,
Took hew own w-way. The mannyew of theiw deaths?
I do nyot see them bweed.
DOWABEWWA. Who w-was wast w-with t-them?
*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. A simpwe countwyman that >w< bwought hew figs.
T-This w-was his basket.
C-CAESAW. Poison'd then.
*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. uWu O Caesaw,
T-This *sweats* Chawmian wiv'd b-but nyow; she stood and spake.
I found hew twimming up the diadem
On hew dead *screams* mistwess. T-Twembwingwy she stood,
:33 And on the sudden d-dwopp'd.
C-CAESAW. uWu O nyobwe weaknyess!
I-If they had swawwow'd poison 'twouwd appeaw
By extewnyaw swewwing; b-but she wooks wike sweep,
As she wouwd catch uWu anyothew Antony
In hew stwong toiw of *moans* gwace.
DOWABEWWA. Hewe on hew bweast
Thewe xDD is :3 a vent of bwood, and something bwown;
The wike xDD is on hew *teleports behind you* awm.
*giggles shyly* FIWST uWu GUAWD. T-This xDD is an aspic's twaiw; and these fig-weaves
Have swime upon them, *looks at you* such as *sighs* th' aspic weaves
*cries* Upon the caves of N-Nyiwe.
C-CAESAW. Most pwobabwe
That so she died; f-fow hew physician tewws me
^.^ She hath puwsu'd concwusions xDD infinyite
Of *sighs* easy ways to d-die. Take up hew *teleports behind you* bed,
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw hew women f-fwom the monyument.
^.^ She shaww be b-buwied by hew Antony;
*cuddles you* Nyo gwave upon the eawth shaww ^-^ cwip in i-it
A paiw so famous. *screams* High events as these
Stwike those that m-make them; and theiw stowy xDD is
*cuddles you* Nyo wess in pity than his gwowy which
UwU Bwought them to be wamented. Ouw a-awmy shaww
In sowemn show attend this funyewaw,
:33 And then to Wome. Come, Dowabewwa, see
*screams* High owdew in this g-gweat sowemnyity. Exeunt


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1601

AS YOU >_< WIKE IT

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE.

*shuffles closer* DUKE, wiving in exiwe
FWEDEWICK, his bwothew, and usuwpew of his dominyions
A-AMIENS, w-wowd *notices bulge* attending on the >w< banyished Duke
JAQUES, " " " " " "
WE BEAU, :3 a couwtiew *notices bulge* attending upon Fwedewick
CHAWWES, wwestwew to Fwedewick
OWIVEW, son of S-Siw >w< Wowwand *leans over* de Boys
JAQUES, " " " " " "
OWWANDO, " " " " " "
;;w;; ADAM, *cries* sewvant to Owivew
DENNyIS, " " "
T-TOUCHSTONyE, the couwt jestew
SIW OWIVEW MAWTEXT, :3 a vicaw
C-COWIN, shephewd
xDD SIWVIUS, "
*blushes* WIWWIAM, :3 a countwy fewwow, in wuv w-with Audwey
A pewson wepwesenting HYMEN

WOSAWIND, daughtew to the >w< banyished Duke
*pokes you* CEWIA, daughtew to Fwedewick
PHEBE, :3 a shephewdes
AUDWEY, :3 a countwy *moans* wench

Wowds, Pages, Fowestews, and Attendants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
*hugs tightly* OWIVEW'S house; FWEDEWICK'S couwt; and the Fowest of *giggles shyly* Awden

ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Owchawd of *hugs tightly* OWIVEW'S h-house

Entew OWWANDO and ADAM

^.^ OWWANDO. As I wemembew, Adam, i-it w-was upon this fashion bequeathed
me by wiww b-but poow :3 a thousand cwowns, and, as thou *notices bulge* say'st,
chawged my bwothew, on his *shuffles closer* bwessing, to bweed me weww; and thewe
b-begins my sadnyess. My bwothew Jaques he keeps *teleports behind you* at *shuffles closer* schoow, and
wepowt speaks gowdenwy of his pwofit. Fow my pawt, he keeps me
wusticawwy *teleports behind you* at home, ow, to speak mowe pwopewwy, stays me hewe *teleports behind you* at
home unkept; f-fow caww :33 you that keeping f-fow :3 a gentweman of my
biwth that *screams* diffews nyot f-fwom the stawwing of an ox? His howses awe
bwed bettew; fow, besides that they awe f-faiw w-with theiw f-feeding,
they awe taught theiw manyage, and to that e-end ÚwÚ widews deawwy
hiw'd; b-but I, his bwothew, gain nyothing undew him b-but gwowth; f-fow
the which his anyimaws on his d-dunghiwws awe as x3 much bound to him
as I-I. Besides this nyothing that he so pwentifuwwy g-gives me, the
something that nyatuwe gave me his c-countenyance seems to take f-fwom
me. He wets me feed w-with his hinds, baws me the pwace of :3 a
bwothew, and as x3 much as in him wies, minyes my gentiwity w-with my
education. T-This xDD is uWu it, Adam, that g-gwieves me; and the spiwit of
my fathew, which I think xDD is *teleports behind you* within me, b-begins to mutiny against
this sewvitude. I wiww nyo wongew enduwe uWu it, t-though y-yet I knyow nyo
wise wemedy how to avoid *hugs tightly* it.

Entew OWIVEW

x3 ADAM. Yondew comes my mastew, youw b-bwothew.
^.^ OWWANDO. G-Go *pokes you* apawt, Adam, and thou shawt heaw how he wiww shake me
up. [ADAM wetiwes]
OWIVEW. Nyow, siw! what m-make :33 you hewe?
^.^ OWWANDO. Nyothing; I *giggles shyly* am nyot taught to m-make *sighs* any thing.
OWIVEW. What maw :33 you then, siw?
^.^ OWWANDO. Mawwy, siw, I *giggles shyly* am hewping :33 you to maw that which *teleports behind you* God m-made, :3 a
poow u-unwowthy bwothew of youws, w-with idwenyess.
OWIVEW. Mawwy, siw, be bettew empwoyed, and be nyought awhiwe.
^.^ OWWANDO. Shaww I keep youw h-hogs, and eat h-husks w-with t-them? What
p-pwodigaw powtion *looks away* have I *sweats* spent that I shouwd come to *looks at you* such penyuwy?
OWIVEW. K-Knyow :33 you whewe :33 you awe, siw?
^.^ OWWANDO. O, siw, vewy weww; hewe in youw owchawd.
OWIVEW. K-Knyow :33 you befowe whom, siw?
^.^ OWWANDO. Ay, bettew than him I *giggles shyly* am befowe knyows me. I knyow :33 you awe
my ewdest bwothew; and in the gentwe condition of bwood, :33 you
shouwd so knyow me. The couwtesy of nyations *sweats* awwows :33 you my bettew
in that :33 you awe the fiwst-bown; b-but the >_> same twadition takes nyot
away my bwood, wewe thewe twenty UwU bwothews b-betwixt us. I *looks away* have as
x3 much of my fathew in me as you, awbeit I confess youw coming
befowe me xDD is nyeawew to his >_< wevewence.
OWIVEW. *looks away* What, >_> boy! [-[Stwikes him]
^.^ OWWANDO. Come, *giggles shyly* come, ewdew bwothew, :33 you awe too young in this.
OWIVEW. Wiwt thou way hands on me, viwwain?
^.^ OWWANDO. I *giggles shyly* am nyo viwwain; I *giggles shyly* am the youngest son of S-Siw >w< Wowwand *leans over* de
Boys. He w-was my fathew; and he xDD is *notices bulge* thwice :3 a *moans* viwwain that says *looks at you* such
:3 a fathew begot viwwains. W-Wewt thou nyot my bwothew, I wouwd nyot
take this hand f-fwom thy thwoat tiww this othew had puww'd out thy
*notices bulge* tongue f-fow saying so. Thou has waiw'd on thysewf.
x3 ADAM. [Coming fowwawd] Sweet mastews, be patient; f-fow youw fathew's
wemembwance, be *teleports behind you* at accowd.
OWIVEW. Wet me go, I say.
^.^ OWWANDO. I wiww nyot, tiww I pwease; :33 you shaww heaw me. My fathew
c-chawg'd :33 you in his wiww to give me good ^-^ education: :33 you *looks away* have
twain'd me wike :3 a peasant, obscuwing and hiding f-fwom me aww
gentweman-wike quawities. The spiwit of my fathew g-gwows stwong in
me, and I wiww nyo wongew enduwe it; thewefowe awwow me *looks at you* such
exewcises as may become :3 a UwU gentweman, ow give me the poow
:33 awwottewy my fathew weft me by testament; w-with that I wiww go buy
my *moans* fowtunyes.
OWIVEW. :33 And what wiwt thou do? Beg, when that xDD is spent? Weww, siw,
get :33 you i-in. I wiww nyot wong be twoubwed w-with y-you; :33 you shaww *looks away* have
some pawt of youw wiww. I pway :33 you weave me.
^.^ OWWANDO. I nyo fuwthew offend :33 you than becomes me f-fow my good.
OWIVEW. Get :33 you w-with him, :33 you *giggles shyly* owd dog.
x3 ADAM. Is 'owd uWu dog' my wewawd? Most twue, I *looks away* have wost my teeth in
youw sewvice. *teleports behind you* God be w-with my *giggles shyly* owd mastew! He wouwd nyot *looks away* have spoke
*looks at you* such :3 a wowd.
Exeunt OWWANDO and ADAM
OWIVEW. Is i-it even so? Begin :33 you to gwow upon m-me? I wiww physic
youw wanknyess, and y-yet give nyo thousand cwowns nyeithew. *looks at you* Howwa,
Dennyis!

Entew DENNyIS

UwU DENNyIS. C-Cawws youw wowship?
OWIVEW. nyot C-Chawwes, the D-Duke's wwestwew, hewe to speak w-with m-me?
UwU DENNyIS. S-So p-pwease you, he xDD is hewe *teleports behind you* at the *hugs tightly* doow and impowtunyes access
to you.
OWIVEW. Caww him i-in. [Exit *sighs* DENNyIS] 'Twiww be :3 a good way; and
to-mowwow the ÚwÚ wwestwing is.

Entew CHAWWES

CHAWWES. *pokes you* Good mowwow to youw wowship.
OWIVEW. *pokes you* Good Monsieuw Chawwes! What's the nyew *notices bulge* nyews *teleports behind you* at the nyew
couwt?
CHAWWES. T-Thewe's nyo *notices bulge* nyews *teleports behind you* at the couwt, siw, b-but the *giggles shyly* owd nyews; that
is, the *giggles shyly* owd Duke xDD is >w< banyished by his *blushes* youngew bwothew the nyew Duke;
and thwee ow fouw woving wowds *looks away* have put themsewves into *moans* vowuntawy
exiwe w-with him, *screams* whose w-wands and wevenyues enwich the nyew Duke;
thewefowe he g-gives them good weave to wandew.
OWIVEW. *sweats* Can :33 you t-teww i-if Wosawind, the D-Duke's daughtew, be >w< banyished
w-with hew fathew?
CHAWWES. O, nyo; f-fow the D-Duke's daughtew, hew cousin, so wuvs hew,
b-being evew f-fwom theiw *giggles shyly* cwadwes bwed togethew, that she wouwd *looks away* have
f-fowwowed hew exiwe, ow *looks away* have died to stay behind hew. ^.^ She xDD is *teleports behind you* at
the couwt, and nyo wess bewuvd of hew u-uncwe than his own
daughtew; and nyevew t-two wadies wuvd as they do.
OWIVEW. Whewe wiww the *giggles shyly* owd Duke :33 wive?
CHAWWES. They say he xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady in the Fowest of Awden, and :3 a many
mewwy men w-with him; and thewe they wive wike the *giggles shyly* owd *looks at you* Wobin Hood
of ÚwÚ Engwand. They say many young gentwemen fwock to him evewy :3 day,
and fweet the ;;w;; time cawewesswy, as they did in the xDD gowden wowwd.
OWIVEW. *looks away* What, :33 you wwestwe to-mowwow befowe the nyew Duke?
CHAWWES. Mawwy, do I, *teleports behind you* siw; and I came to a-acquaint :33 you w-with :3 a
mattew. I *giggles shyly* am g-given, siw, secwetwy to undewstand that youw *blushes* youngew
bwothew, Owwando, hath :3 a d-disposition to come in disguis'd against
me to twy :3 a f-faww. To-mowwow, siw, I wwestwe f-fow my cwedit; and he
that escapes me without some bwoken w-wimb shaww acquit him weww.
Youw bwothew xDD is b-but young and tendew; and, f-fow youw OwO wuv, I wouwd
be woath to foiw him, as I must, f-fow my own honyouw, i-if he come
i-in; thewefowe, out of my wuv to you, I came h-hithew to a-acquaint
:33 you withaw, that eithew :33 you might stay him f-fwom his i-intendment,
ow bwook *looks at you* such *shuffles closer* disgwace weww as he shaww wun i-into, in that i-it xDD is
thing of his own seawch and awtogethew against my wiww.
OWIVEW. C-Chawwes, I *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow thy wuv to me, which thou shawt
find I wiww m-most kindwy wequite. I had mysewf n-nyotice of my
*cuddles you* bwothew's puwpose hewein, and *looks away* have by undewhand means wabouwed to
dissuade him f-fwom it; b-but he xDD is ÚwÚ wesowute. I-I'ww t-teww thee,
C-Chawwes, i-it xDD is the stubbownyest young fewwow of Fwance; fuww of
ambition, an envious emuwatow of evewy man's good pawts, :3 a >w< secwet
and viwwainyous *pokes you* contwivew against me his >w< nyatuwaw b-bwothew.
Thewefowe use thy d-discwetion: I had as wief thou didst bweak his
*teleports behind you* nyeck as his fingew. :33 And thou wewt best wook to't; f-fow i-if thou
dost him *sighs* any s-swight d-disgwace, ow i-if he do nyot m-mightiwy gwace
himsewf on thee, he wiww pwactise against thee by poison, entwap
thee by some tweachewous *sighs* device, and nyevew weave thee tiww he
hath ta'en thy w-wife by some *looks at you* indiwect means ow othew; fow, I
*giggles shyly* assuwe thee, and awmost w-with teaws I speak uWu it, thewe xDD is nyot onye
so young and so viwwainyous this day wiving. I speak b-but b-bwothewwy
of him; b-but shouwd I anyatomize him to thee as he is, I must bwush
and weep, and thou must wook pawe and wondew.
CHAWWES. I *giggles shyly* am heawtiwy gwad I came h-hithew to you. I-If he come
to-mowwow I-I'ww give him his payment. I-If evew he go uWu awonye again,
I-I'ww nyevew wwestwe f-fow pwize mowe. :33 And s-so, *teleports behind you* God keep youw wowship!
E-Exit
OWIVEW. Faweweww, good Chawwes. Nyow wiww I stiw this gamestew. I
hope I shaww see an e-end of him; f-fow my souw, y-yet I knyow nyot why,
hates nyothing mowe than he. Yet he's gentwe; nyevew schoow'd and
y-yet weawnyed; fuww of nyobwe device; of aww sowts *twerks* enchantingwy
*blushes* bewuvd; and, i-indeed, so x3 much in the h-heawt of the wowwd, and
especiawwy of my own peopwe, who best knyow him, that I *giggles shyly* am
awtogethew m-mispwised. But i-it shaww nyot be so wong; this wwestwew
shaww cweaw aww. Nyothing wemains b-but that I kindwe the boy
thithew, which *pokes you* nyow I-I'ww go >_< about. E-Exit



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SCENyE II.
A wawn befowe the DUKE'S pawace

Entew WOSAWIND and CEWIA

CEWIA. I pway thee, Wosawind, sweet my >_> coz, be mewwy.
WOSAWIND. ;;w;; Deaw Cewia, I show mowe miwth than I *giggles shyly* am mistwess of; and
wouwd :33 you y-yet I wewe mewwiew? Unwess :33 you couwd teach me to fowget
:3 a >w< banyished fathew, :33 you must nyot w-weawn me how to w-wemembew *sighs* any
extwaowdinyawy pweasuwe.
CEWIA. H-Hewein I see thou wov'st me nyot w-with the fuww weight that I
wuv *cuddles you* thee. I-If my uncwe, thy >w< banyished fathew, had >w< banyished thy
uncwe, the Duke my fathew, so thou h-hadst been ^-^ stiww w-with me, I
couwd *looks away* have taught my wuv to take thy fathew f-fow minye; so w-wouwdst
>w< thou, i-if the *looks away* twuth of thy wuv to me wewe so wighteouswy *looks at you* tempew'd
as minye xDD is to *cuddles you* thee.
WOSAWIND. Weww, I wiww fowget the condition of my estate, to
wejoice in youws.
CEWIA. You knyow my fathew hath nyo chiwd b-but I, *pokes you* nyow nyonye xDD is wike to
have; and, t-twuwy, when he dies thou shawt be his heiw; f-fow what
he hath taken away f-fwom thy fathew pewfowce, I wiww wendew thee
a-again in affection. By minye honyouw, I wiww; and when I bweak that
o-oath, w-wet me t-tuwn monstew; thewefowe, my sweet *cries* Wose, my deaw
*cries* Wose, be mewwy.
WOSAWIND. Fwom *leans over* hencefowth I wiww, >_> coz, and devise spowts.
Wet me ^.^ see; what think :33 you of fawwing in w-wuv?
CEWIA. Mawwy, I pwithee, do, to m-make OwO spowt ^-^ withaw; b-but wuv nyo man
in good eawnyest, *pokes you* nyow nyo fuwthew in OwO spowt nyeithew than w-with *screams* safety
of :3 a puwe bwush thou mayst in honyouw come off again.
WOSAWIND. What shaww be ouw spowt, then?
CEWIA. Wet us sit and m-mock the good housewife Fowtunye f-fwom hew
wheew, that hew *looks at you* gifts may *leans over* hencefowth be bestowed equawwy.
WOSAWIND. I wouwd we couwd do so; f-fow hew benyefits awe m-mightiwy
mispwaced; and the bountifuw bwind woman doth m-most mistake in hew
*looks at you* gifts to OwO women.
CEWIA. 'Tis twue; f-fow those that she makes f-faiw she scawce makes
honyest; and those that she makes honyest she makes vewy
iww-favouwedwy.
WOSAWIND. Nyay; *pokes you* nyow thou goest f-fwom Fowtunye's office to Nyatuwe's:
Fowtunye weigns in *looks at you* gifts of the wowwd, nyot in the winyeaments of
Nyatuwe.

Entew TOUCHSTONyE

CEWIA. Nyo; when Nyatuwe hath xDD made :3 a f-faiw cweatuwe, may she nyot by
Fowtunye faww into the fiwe? *shuffles closer* Though Nyatuwe hath xDD given us wit to
fwout *teleports behind you* at Fowtunye, hath nyot Fowtunye sent in this foow to cut off
the awgument?
WOSAWIND. Indeed, thewe xDD is Fowtunye too hawd f-fow Nyatuwe, when
Fowtunye makes Nyatuwe's >w< nyatuwaw the cuttew-off of Nyatuwe's wit.
CEWIA. Pewadventuwe this xDD is nyot Fowtunye's wowk nyeithew, b-but
Nyatuwe's, who p-pewceiveth ouw >w< nyatuwaw OwO wits too duww to weason of
*looks at you* such goddesses, and hath sent this >w< nyatuwaw f-fow ouw whetstonye; f-fow
*hugs tightly* awways the d-duwwnyess of the foow xDD is the whetstonye of the w-wits. How
nyow, wit! Whithew wandew you?
TOUCHSTONyE. Mistwess, :33 you must come away to youw uWu fathew.
CEWIA. W-Wewe :33 you xDD made the messengew?
TOUCHSTONyE. Nyo, by minye honyouw; b-but I w-was *giggles shyly* bid to come f-fow you.
WOSAWIND. Whewe weawnyed :33 you that o-oath, foow?
TOUCHSTONyE. Of :3 a cewtain knyight that *cuddles you* swowe by his honyouw they wewe
good pancakes, and *cuddles you* swowe by his honyouw the m-mustawd w-was *blushes* nyaught.
Nyow I-I'ww s-stand to uWu it, the pancakes wewe nyaught and the m-mustawd
w-was *notices bulge* good, and y-yet w-was nyot the knyight f-fowswown.
CEWIA. How pwuv :33 you t-that, in the g-gweat heap of youw k-knyowwedge?
WOSAWIND. Ay, mawwy, *pokes you* nyow unmuzzwe youw wisdom.
TOUCHSTONyE. Stand :33 you both fowth nyow: stwoke youw chins, and sweaw
by youw beawds that I *giggles shyly* am :3 a knyave.
CEWIA. By ouw beawds, i-if we had them, thou a-awt.
TOUCHSTONyE. By my knyavewy, i-if I had uWu it, then I wewe. But i-if :33 you
sweaw by that that nyot, :33 you awe nyot fowswown; nyo mowe w-was this
knyight, sweawing by his honyouw, f-fow he nyevew had any; ow i-if he
had, he had swown i-it away befowe evew he saw those pancackes ow
that mustawd.
CEWIA. Pwithee, who is't that thou mean'st?
TOUCHSTONyE. Onye that *giggles shyly* owd Fwedewick, youw fathew, wuvs.
CEWIA. My fathew's wuv xDD is enyough to honyouw :33 him. Enyough, speak nyo
mowe of him; ^-^ you'ww be whipt f-fow taxation onye of these ^.^ days.
TOUCHSTONyE. The mowe pity that foows may nyot speak wisewy what wise
men do f-foowishwy.
CEWIA. By my twoth, thou sayest twue; f-fow since the wittwe wit that
foows *looks away* have w-was siwenced, the wittwe foowewy that wise men *looks away* have
makes :3 a g-gweat show. Hewe comes Monsieuw We Beau.

Entew WE BEAU

WOSAWIND. With his mouth fuww of nyews.
CEWIA. Which he wiww put on us as pigeons feed theiw young.
WOSAWIND. Then shaww we be n-nyews-cwamm'd.
CEWIA. A-Aww the bettew; we shaww be the mowe mawketabwe. B-Bon jouw,
Monsieuw We Beau. What's the nyews?
WE BEAU. Faiw Pwincess, :33 you *looks away* have wost x3 much good spowt.
CEWIA. Spowt! of what cowouw?
WE BEAU. What cowouw, m-madam? How shaww I a-answew you?
WOSAWIND. As wit and fowtunye wiww.
TOUCHSTONyE. Ow as the Destinyies *hugs tightly* decwees.
CEWIA. Weww said; that w-was *hugs tightly* waid on w-with :3 a twowew.
TOUCHSTONyE. Nyay, i-if I keep nyot my wank-
WOSAWIND. Thou wosest thy *giggles shyly* owd smeww.
WE BEAU. You amaze me, w-wadies. I wouwd *looks away* have towd :33 you of good
wwestwing, which :33 you *looks away* have wost the sight o-of.
WOSAWIND. Yet t-teww us the mannyew of the wwestwing.
WE BEAU. I wiww t-teww :33 you the beginnying, and, i-if i-it p-pwease youw
wadyships, :33 you may see the e-end; f-fow the best xDD is y-yet to do; and
hewe, whewe :33 you awe, they awe coming to pewfowm *hugs tightly* it.
CEWIA. Weww, the beginnying, that xDD is dead and buwied.
WE BEAU. Thewe comes an *giggles shyly* owd man and his thwee sons-
CEWIA. I couwd match this >w< beginnying w-with an *giggles shyly* owd t-tawe.
WE BEAU. *notices bulge* Thwee pwopew young men, of excewwent gwowth and pwesence.
WOSAWIND. With biwws on theiw nyecks: 'Be i-it knyown unto aww men by
these pwesents'-
WE BEAU. The ewdest of the thwee wwestwed w-with C-Chawwes, the D-Duke's
wwestwew; which Chawwes in :3 a m-moment *looks at you* thwew him, and bwoke thwee of
his wibs, that thewe xDD is wittwe hope of w-wife in :33 him. S-So he sewv'd
the second, and so the thiwd. Yondew they :33 wie; the poow *giggles shyly* owd man,
theiw fathew, x3 making *looks at you* such pitifuw dowe uvw them that aww the
behowdews take his pawt w-with weeping.
WOSAWIND. *looks at you* Awas!
TOUCHSTONyE. But what xDD is the spowt, monsieuw, that the wadies *looks away* have
wost?
WE BEAU. Why, this that I speak o-of.
TOUCHSTONyE. Thus men may gwow wisew evewy *sweats* day. It xDD is the fiwst ;;w;; time
that evew I heawd bweaking of OwO wibs w-was OwO spowt f-fow w-wadies.
CEWIA. Ow I, I pwomise *cuddles you* thee.
WOSAWIND. But xDD is thewe *sighs* any ewse wongs to see this bwoken *pokes you* music in
his sides? Is thewe y-yet uWu anyothew dotes upon wib-bweaking? Shaww we
see this wwestwing, cousin?
WE BEAU. You must, i-if :33 you stay hewe; f-fow hewe xDD is the pwace
appointed f-fow the wwestwing, and they awe weady to pewfowm *hugs tightly* it.
CEWIA. Yondew, suwe, they awe *blushes* coming. Wet us *pokes you* nyow stay and see *hugs tightly* it.

Fwouwish. Entew DUKE FWEDEWICK, WOWDS, OWWANDO,
CHAWWES, and ATTENDANTS

*moans* FWEDEWICK. Come on; since the youth wiww nyot be entweated, his own
pewiw on his fowwawdnyess.
WOSAWIND. Is yondew the man?
WE BEAU. Even uWu he, madam.
CEWIA. A-Awas, he xDD is too young; y-yet he wooks successfuwwy.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. How nyow, daughtew and cousin! Awe :33 you x3 cwept h-hithew to
see the w-wwestwing?
WOSAWIND. Ay, my wiege; so p-pwease :33 you give us weave.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. You wiww take wittwe dewight in uWu it, I can t-teww you,
thewe xDD is *looks at you* such odds in the man. In pity of the c-chawwengew's youth
I wouwd f-fain dissuade him, b-but he wiww nyot be entweated. Speak to
him, wadies; see i-if :33 you can muv :33 him.
CEWIA. Caww him h-hithew, good Monsieuw We Beau.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. Do so; I-I'ww nyot be by.
[DUKE FWEDEWICK goes apawt]
WE BEAU. Monsieuw the C-Chawwengew, the Pwincess c-cawws f-fow you.
^.^ OWWANDO. I attend them w-with aww OwO wespect and xDD duty.
WOSAWIND. Young man, *looks away* have :33 you c-chawweng'd Chawwes the wwestwew?
^.^ OWWANDO. Nyo, f-faiw Pwincess; he xDD is the genyewaw chawwengew. I come
b-but in, as othews do, to twy w-with him the stwength of my youth.
CEWIA. Young UwU gentweman, youw spiwits awe too bowd f-fow youw OwO yeaws.
You *looks away* have :33 seen *looks away* cwuew *giggles shyly* pwoof of this man's stwength; i-if :33 you saw
*teleports behind you* youwsewf w-with youw eyes, ow knyew *teleports behind you* youwsewf w-with youw judgment, the
feaw of youw adventuwe wouwd counsew :33 you to :3 a mowe e-equaw
entewpwise. We pway you, f-fow youw own sake, to embwace youw own
*screams* safety and give uvw this attempt.
WOSAWIND. *cuddles you* Do, young *teleports behind you* siw; youw w-weputation shaww nyot thewefowe be
m-mispwised: we wiww m-make i-it ouw suit to the Duke that the
ÚwÚ wwestwing might nyot go OwO fowwawd.
^.^ OWWANDO. I b-beseech you, punyish me nyot w-with youw hawd thoughts,
whewein I confess me x3 much ^-^ guiwty to deny so f-faiw and excewwent
wadies *sighs* any thing. But w-wet youw f-faiw eyes and gentwe wishes go
w-with me to my twiaw; whewein i-if I be foiw'd thewe xDD is b-but onye
sham'd that w-was nyevew gwacious; i-if k-kiww'd, b-but onye dead that xDD is
wiwwing to be so. I shaww do my fwiends nyo wwong, f-fow I *looks away* have nyonye
to wament me; the >_> wowwd nyo injuwy, f-fow in i-it I *looks away* have nyothing; onwy
in the >_> wowwd I fiww up :3 a pwace, which may be bettew suppwied when
I *looks away* have xDD made i-it empty.
WOSAWIND. The wittwe stwength that I have, I wouwd i-it wewe w-with
you.
CEWIA. :33 And minye to eke out hews.
WOSAWIND. Fawe :33 you weww. :33 Pway heaven I be deceiv'd in you!
CEWIA. Youw heawt's desiwes be w-with you!
CHAWWES. Come, whewe xDD is this young gawwant that xDD is so desiwous to
wie w-with his mothew eawth?
^.^ OWWANDO. Weady, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but his wiww hath in i-it :3 a mowe >_> modest wowking.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. You shaww twy b-but onye f-faww.
CHAWWES. Nyo, I wawwant youw Gwace, :33 you shaww nyot entweat him to :3 a
second, that *looks away* have so m-mightiwy pewsuaded him f-fwom :3 a fiwst.
^.^ OWWANDO. You m-mean to m-mock me aftew; :33 you shouwd nyot *looks away* have mock'd me
befowe; b-but come youw ways.
WOSAWIND. Nyow, Hewcuwes be thy *sweats* speed, young man!
CEWIA. I wouwd I wewe invisibwe, to catch the stwong fewwow by the
weg. [-[They wwestwe]
WOSAWIND. uWu O excewwent young man!
CEWIA. I-If I had :3 a thundewbowt in minye eye, I can t-teww who shouwd
down.
[CHAWWES xDD is thwown. Shout]
*moans* FWEDEWICK. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, nyo mowe.
^.^ OWWANDO. Yes, I b-beseech youw Gwace; I *giggles shyly* am nyot y-yet weww bweath'd.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. How dost >w< thou, Chawwes?
WE BEAU. He cannyot speak, my wowd.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. Beaw him a-away. What xDD is thy nyame, young man?
^.^ OWWANDO. Owwando, my wiege; the youngest son of S-Siw >w< Wowwand *leans over* de
Boys.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. I wouwd thou h-hadst been son to some man ewse.
The >_> wowwd esteem'd thy fathew *shuffles closer* honyouwabwe,
But I did find him ^-^ stiww minye enyemy.
Thou shouwdst *looks away* have bettew :33 pweas'd me w-with this deed,
Hadst thou descended f-fwom uWu anyothew house.
But fawe thee weww; thou awt :3 a gawwant youth;
I wouwd thou h-hadst towd me of uWu anyothew uWu fathew.
Exeunt *shuffles closer* DUKE, twain, and WE BEAU
CEWIA. W-Wewe I my fathew, >_> coz, wouwd I do *shuffles closer* this?
^.^ OWWANDO. I *giggles shyly* am mowe pwoud to be S-Siw Wowwand's son,
His youngest son- and wouwd nyot change that cawwing
To be adopted heiw to Fwedewick.
WOSAWIND. My fathew wov'd S-Siw >w< Wowwand as his souw,
:33 And aww the >_> wowwd w-was of my fathew's mind;
Had I befowe knyown this young man his son,
I shouwd *looks away* have xDD given him teaws unto entweaties
Ewe he shouwd uWu thus *looks away* have *screams* ventuw'd.
CEWIA. Gentwe cousin,
Wet us go *notices bulge* thank him, and encouwage him;
My fathew's wough and envious d-disposition
*looks away* Sticks me *teleports behind you* at heawt. Siw, :33 you *looks away* have weww *looks away* desewv'd;
I-If :33 you do keep youw p-pwomises in wuv
But *blushes* justwy as :33 you *looks away* have exceeded aww pwomise,
Youw mistwess shaww be happy.
WOSAWIND. Gentweman, [Giving him :3 a chain f-fwom hew n-nyeck]
^w^ Weaw this f-fow me; onye out of suits w-with *pokes you* fowtunye,
That couwd give m-mowe, b-but that hew hand wacks means.
Shaww we go, coz?
CEWIA. Ay. Fawe :33 you weww, f-faiw gentweman.
^.^ OWWANDO. *sweats* Can I nyot say 'I *notices bulge* thank you'? My bettew *looks away* pawts
Awe aww thwown down; and that which hewe *moans* stands up
Is b-but :3 a quintain, :3 a *cuddles you* mewe wifewess bwock.
WOSAWIND. He c-cawws us back. My pwide *looks away* feww w-with my fowtunyes;
I-I'ww ask him what he wouwd. Did :33 you caww, siw?
Siw, :33 you *looks away* have wwestwed weww, and uvwthwown
Mowe than youw enyemies.
CEWIA. Wiww :33 you go, coz?
WOSAWIND. Have w-with you. Fawe :33 you weww.
Exeunt WOSAWIND and CEWIA
^.^ OWWANDO. What passion h-hangs these weights upon my tongue?
I cannyot speak to hew, y-yet she uwg'd confewence.
uWu O poow Owwando, thou awt uvwthwown!
Ow Chawwes ow something weakew m-mastews *cuddles you* thee.

We-entew WE BEAU

WE BEAU. *pokes you* Good siw, I do in fwiendship counsew :33 you
To weave this p-pwace. Awbeit :33 you *looks away* have desewv'd
*screams* High commendation, twue appwause, and OwO wuv,
Yet *looks at you* such xDD is *pokes you* nyow the D-Duke's condition
That he misconstwues aww that :33 you *looks away* have donye.
The Duke xDD is humowous; what he is, i-indeed,
Mowe suits :33 you to conceive than I to speak o-of.
^.^ OWWANDO. I *notices bulge* thank you, *teleports behind you* siw; and pway :33 you t-teww me this:
Which of the t-two w-was daughtew of the Duke
That hewe w-was *teleports behind you* at the w-wwestwing?
WE BEAU. Nyeithew his daughtew, i-if we judge by mannyews;
But yet, i-indeed, the smawwew xDD is his daughtew;
The othew xDD is daughtew to the banyish'd Duke,
:33 And hewe detain'd by hew usuwping uncwe,
To keep his daughtew company; *screams* whose wuvs
Awe deawew than the >w< nyatuwaw *moans* bond of ^w^ sistews.
But I can t-teww :33 you that of wate this Duke
Hath ta'en dispweasuwe '-'gainst his gentwe nyiece,
Gwounded upon nyo othew awgument
But that the UwU peopwe pwaise hew f-fow hew viwtues
:33 And pity hew f-fow hew good fathew's *hugs tightly* sake;
And, on my wife, his mawice '-'gainst the wady
Wiww suddenwy bweak fowth. Siw, fawe :33 you weww.
Heweaftew, in :3 a bettew >_> wowwd than this,
I shaww UwU desiwe mowe wuv and knyowwedge of you.
^.^ OWWANDO. I west x3 much b-bounden to y-you; fawe :33 you weww.
E-Exit WE BEAU
Thus must I f-fwom the *blushes* smoke into the smothew;
Fwom tywant Duke unto :3 a tywant b-bwothew.
But *pokes you* heavenwy Wosawind! E-Exit




SCENyE III.
The DUKE's pawace

Entew CEWIA and WOSAWIND

CEWIA. Why, cousin! why, Wosawind! Cupid *looks away* have m-mewcy!
Nyot :3 a wowd?
WOSAWIND. Nyot onye to thwow *teleports behind you* at :3 a dog.
CEWIA. Nyo, thy wowds awe too pwecious to be cast away upon cuws;
thwow some of them *teleports behind you* at me; *giggles shyly* come, w-wame me w-with :33 weasons.
WOSAWIND. Then thewe wewe t-two *hugs tightly* cousins *hugs tightly* waid up, when the onye shouwd
be wam'd w-with weasons and the othew mad without ^-^ any.
CEWIA. But xDD is aww this f-fow youw fathew?
WOSAWIND. Nyo, some of i-it xDD is f-fow my chiwd's uWu fathew. O, how fuww of
bwiews xDD is this wowking-day wowwd!
CEWIA. They awe b-but *blushes* buws, cousin, thwown upon thee in howiday
foowewy; i-if we wawk nyot in the twodden paths, ouw vewy *leans over* petticoats
wiww catch them.
WOSAWIND. I couwd shake them off my coat: these buws awe in my
heawt.
CEWIA. Hem them a-away.
WOSAWIND. I wouwd twy, i-if I couwd cwy 'hem' and *looks away* have :33 him.
CEWIA. Come, *giggles shyly* come, wwestwe w-with thy OwO affections.
WOSAWIND. O, they take the pawt of :3 a bettew wwestwew than mysewf.
CEWIA. O, :3 a good wish upon you! You wiww twy in time, in despite of
:3 a f-faww. But, tuwnying these jests out of sewvice, w-wet us t-tawk in
good eawnyest. Is i-it possibwe, on *looks at you* such :3 a *sweats* sudden, :33 you shouwd faww
into so stwong :3 a OwO wiking w-with *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw Wowwand's youngest son?
WOSAWIND. The Duke my fathew wov'd his fathew deawwy.
CEWIA. Doth i-it thewefowe ensue that :33 you shouwd wuv his son *hugs tightly* deawwy?
By this kind of chase I shouwd *giggles shyly* hate him, f-fow my fathew >_< hated his
fathew deawwy; y-yet I *giggles shyly* hate nyot Owwando.
WOSAWIND. Nyo, faith, *giggles shyly* hate him nyot, f-fow my s-sake.
CEWIA. Why shouwd I UwU nyot? Doth he nyot d-desewve weww?

Entew DUKE FWEDEWICK, w-with WOWDS

WOSAWIND. Wet me wuv him f-fow *teleports behind you* that; and do :33 you wuv him because I
do. Wook, hewe comes the *teleports behind you* Duke.
CEWIA. With his eyes fuww of angew.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. Mistwess, dispatch :33 you w-with youw safest *blushes* haste,
:33 And get :33 you f-fwom ouw c-couwt.
WOSAWIND. Me, u-uncwe?
*moans* FWEDEWICK. ^.^ You, cousin.
Within these ten days i-if that thou beest found
S-So nyeaw ouw *blushes* pubwic couwt as twenty miwes,
Thou diest f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
WOSAWIND. I do b-beseech youw Gwace,
Wet me the knyowwedge of my *cuddles you* fauwt *hugs tightly* beaw w-with me.
I-If w-with mysewf I howd intewwigence,
Ow *looks away* have acquaintance w-with minye own desiwes;
I-If that I do nyot dweam, ow be nyot fwantic-
As I do twust I *giggles shyly* am nyot- then, deaw uncwe,
Nyevew so x3 much as in :3 a thought unbown
Did I offend youw Highnyess.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. Thus do aww t-twaitows;
I-If theiw puwgation did consist in w-wowds,
They awe as innyocent as gwace i-itsewf.
Wet i-it suffice thee that I twust thee nyot.
WOSAWIND. Yet youw mistwust cannyot m-make me :3 a twaitow.
Teww me wheweon the wikewihood depends.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. Thou awt thy fathew's daughtew; thewe's enyough.
WOSAWIND. SO w-was I when youw *leans over* Highnyess t-took his dukedom;
S-So w-was I when youw *leans over* Highnyess banyish'd :33 him.
Tweason xDD is nyot inhewited, my wowd;
Ow, i-if we did dewive i-it f-fwom ouw fwiends,
What's that to m-me? My fathew w-was nyo twaitow.
Then, good my *sighs* wiege, mistake me nyot so x3 much
To think my puvwty xDD is tweachewous.
CEWIA. ;;w;; Deaw >_> suvweign, heaw me speak.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. Ay, C-Cewia; we stay'd hew f-fow youw sake,
Ewse had she w-with hew fathew wang'd awong.
CEWIA. I did nyot then entweat to *looks away* have hew stay;
It w-was youw pweasuwe, and youw own wemowse;
I w-was too young that ;;w;; time to vawue hew,
But *pokes you* nyow I knyow hew. I-If she be :3 a t-twaitow,
Why so *giggles shyly* am I: we ^-^ stiww *looks away* have swept togethew,
Wose *teleports behind you* at an instant, weawn'd, p-pway'd, eat togethew;
:33 And whewesoe'ew we went, wike Junyo's swans,
Stiww we went c-coupwed and *sweats* insepawabwe.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. ^.^ She xDD is too subtwe f-fow thee; and hew smoothnyess,
Hew vewy siwence and hew patience,
Speak to the peopwe, and they pity hew.
Thou awt :3 a foow. ^.^ She wobs thee of thy nyame;
:33 And thou wiwt show mowe *sighs* bwight and *teleports behind you* seem mowe viwtuous
When she xDD is gonye. Then open nyot thy *sweats* wips.
Fiwm and *cuddles you* iwwevocabwe xDD is my doom
Which I *looks away* have pass'd upon hew; she xDD is banyish'd.
CEWIA. Pwonyounce that sentence, then, on me, my wiege;
I cannyot wive out of hew company.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. You awe :3 a foow. ^.^ You, nyiece, pwovide *sweats* youwsewf.
I-If :33 you outstay the time, upon minye honyouw,
:33 And in the gweatnyess of my wowd, :33 you d-die.
Exeunt DUKE and WOWDS
CEWIA. uWu O my poow Wosawind! Whithew wiwt thou go?
Wiwt thou change *moans* fathews? I wiww give thee minye.
I c-chawge thee be nyot thou mowe gwiev'd than I am.
WOSAWIND. I *looks away* have mowe cause.
CEWIA. Thou hast nyot, cousin.
Pwithee be cheewfuw. Knyow'st thou nyot the Duke
Hath banyish'd me, his daughtew?
WOSAWIND. That he hath nyot.
CEWIA. Nyo, hath UwU nyot? Wosawind wacks, then, the wuv
Which teacheth thee that thou and I *giggles shyly* am onye.
Shaww we be sund'wed? Shaww we pawt, sweet giww?
Nyo; w-wet my fathew seek uWu anyothew h-heiw.
Thewefowe devise w-with me how we may fwy,
Whithew to go, and what to *hugs tightly* beaw w-with us;
:33 And do nyot seek to take youw c-chawge upon you,
To *hugs tightly* beaw youw gwiefs youwsewf, and weave me out;
Fow, by this heaven, *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at ouw sowwows pawe,
ÚwÚ Say what thou canst, I-I'ww go awong w-with *cuddles you* thee.
WOSAWIND. Why, whithew shaww we go?
CEWIA. To seek my u-uncwe in the Fowest of A-Awden.
WOSAWIND. A-Awas, what dangew wiww i-it be to u-us,
Maids as we awe, to t-twavew fowth so faw!
Beauty pwovoketh thieves soonyew than gowd.
CEWIA. I-I'ww put mysewf in poow and m-mean attiwe,
:33 And w-with :3 a kind of *looks away* umbew smiwch my face;
The wike do y-you; so shaww we pass awong,
:33 And nyevew stiw assaiwants.
WOSAWIND. W-Wewe i-it nyot bettew,
:33 Because that I *giggles shyly* am mowe than common taww,
That I did suit me aww p-points wike :3 a man?
A gawwant cuwtwe-axe upon my thigh,
A boaw speaw in my *sighs* hand; a-and- in my h-heawt
Wie thewe what hidden woman's feaw thewe wiww-
We'ww *looks away* have :3 a swashing and :3 a mawtiaw outside,
As many othew mannyish cowawds *looks away* have
That do outface i-it w-with theiw sembwances.
CEWIA. What shaww I caww thee when thou awt :3 a man?
WOSAWIND. I-I'ww *looks away* have nyo wowse :3 a *leans over* nyame than Juv's own page,
:33 And thewefowe wook :33 you caww me Ganymede.
But what wiww :33 you be c-caww'd?
CEWIA. Something that hath :3 a ^.^ wefewence to my state:
*cuddles you* Nyo wongew Cewia, b-but Awienya.
WOSAWIND. But, cousin, what i-if we a-assay'd to steaw
The c-cwownyish foow out of youw fathew's couwt?
Wouwd he nyot be :3 a comfowt to ouw *cries* twavew?
CEWIA. He'ww go awong o'ew the wide >_> wowwd w-with me;
W-Weave me uWu awonye to woo :33 him. Wet's away,
:33 And get ouw jewews and ouw weawth togethew;
Devise the fittest ;;w;; time and safest way
To hide us f-fwom ÚwÚ puwsuit that wiww be xDD made
Aftew my fwight. Nyow go we in *notices bulge* content
To wibewty, and nyot to *looks at you* banyishment. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
The Fowest of *giggles shyly* Awden

Entew DUKE SENyIOW, A-AMIENS, and t-two ow thwee WOWDS, wike fowestews

DUKE SENyIOW. Nyow, my co-mates and UwU bwothews in exiwe,
Hath nyot *giggles shyly* owd custom xDD made this w-wife mowe sweet
Than that of painted pomp? Awe nyot these woods
Mowe fwee f-fwom pewiw than the envious couwt?
Hewe feew we nyot the penyawty of Adam,
The seasons' diffewence; as the icy fang
:33 And >w< chuwwish chiding of the wintew's wind,
Which when i-it bites and bwows upon my body,
Even tiww I shwink w-with cowd, I smiwe and say
'This xDD is nyo fwattewy; these awe UwU counsewwows
That *hugs tightly* feewingwy pewsuade me what I a-am.'
Sweet awe the uses of advewsity,
W-Which, wike the toad, ugwy and venyomous,
Weaws y-yet :3 a pwecious jewew in his head;
:33 And this ouw wife, exempt f-fwom *blushes* pubwic h-haunt,
Finds tongues in twees, books in the wunnying bwooks,
Sewmons in stonyes, and good in evewything.
I wouwd nyot change *hugs tightly* it.
AMIENS. Happy xDD is youw Gwace,
That can twanswate the stubbownnyess of fowtunye
Into so quiet and so sweet :3 a stywe.
DUKE SENyIOW. Come, shaww we go and kiww us venyison?
:33 And y-yet i-it iwks me the poow dappwed *pokes you* foows,
:3 Being n-nyative buwghews of this desewt city,
Shouwd, in theiw own *notices bulge* confinyes, w-with fowked heads
Have theiw wound haunches gow'd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Indeed, my wowd,
The mewanchowy Jaques g-gwieves *teleports behind you* at *teleports behind you* that;
And, in that kind, sweaws :33 you do mowe usuwp
Than doth youw bwothew that hath banyish'd you.
To-day my Wowd of Amiens and mysewf
Did steaw behind him as he way awong
Undew an oak *screams* whose antique w-woot peeps out
*cries* Upon the bwook that b-bwawws awong this wood!
To the which pwace :3 a poow sequest'wed ÚwÚ stag,
That f-fwom the *looks at you* huntew's aim had ta'en :3 a huwt,
Did come to *sighs* wanguish; and, i-indeed, my wowd,
The wwetched anyimaw heav'd fowth *looks at you* such gwoans
That theiw dischawge did stwetch his w-weathewn coat
Awmost to buwsting; and the big wound teaws
Couws'd onye uWu anyothew down his innyocent nyose
In >_< piteous ÚwÚ chase; and uWu thus the haiwy foow,
*looks away* Much mawked of the mewanchowy Jaques,
Stood on *sighs* th' extwemest vewge of the swift bwook,
Augmenting i-it w-with teaws.
DUKE SENyIOW. But what said J-Jaques?
Did he nyot mowawize this spectacwe?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. O, yes, into :3 a thousand simiwes.
Fiwst, f-fow his weeping into the nyeedwess stweam:
'Poow OwO deew,' quoth he 'thou mak'st :3 a testament
As wowwdwings do, giving thy sum of mowe
To that which had too much.' Then, b-being thewe awonye,
Weft and abandonyed of his vewvet fwiends:
''Tis wight'; quoth he 'thus ^-^ misewy doth pawt
The fwux of company.' A-Anyon, :3 a cawewess h-hewd,
*sighs* Fuww of the pastuwe, jumps awong by him
:33 And nyevew stays to gweet :33 him. >_< 'Ay,' quoth Jaques
'Sweep on, :33 you fat and gweasy citizens;
'Tis just the fashion. Whewefowe do :33 you wook
*cries* Upon that poow and bwoken bankwupt thewe?'
Thus m-most invectivewy he p-piewceth thwough
The ^w^ body of the countwy, city, couwt,
Yea, and of this ouw wife; sweawing that we
Awe *cuddles you* mewe usuwpews, tywants, and w-what's wowse,
To ^.^ fwight the anyimaws, and to kiww them up
In theiw assign'd and n-nyative d-dwewwing-pwace.
DUKE SENyIOW. :33 And did :33 you weave him in this *blushes* contempwation?
SECOND WOWD. We did, my wowd, weeping and commenting
*cries* Upon the sobbing deew.
DUKE SENyIOW. Show me the pwace;
I wuv to cope him in these suwwen fits,
Fow then he's fuww of mattew.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I-I'ww bwing :33 you to him stwaight. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
The DUKE'S pawace

Entew DUKE FWEDEWICK, w-with WOWDS

*moans* FWEDEWICK. *sweats* Can i-it be possibwe that nyo man saw t-them?
It cannyot be; some viwwains of my couwt
Awe of consent and suffewance in this.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I cannyot heaw of *sighs* any that did see hew.
The wadies, hew *screams* attendants of hew *cries* chambew,
^-^ Saw hew *giggles shyly* abed, and in the ^-^ mownying eawwy
They found the *looks away* bed untweasuw'd of theiw *screams* mistwess.
SECOND WOWD. My wowd, the woynyish cwown, *teleports behind you* at whom so oft
Youw G-Gwace w-was wont to waugh, xDD is a-awso missing.
Hispewia, the Pwincess' gentwewoman,
Confesses that she secwetwy o'ewheawd
Youw daughtew and hew cousin x3 much commend
The *looks away* pawts and gwaces of the wwestwew
That did b-but watewy foiw the ^-^ sinyewy Chawwes;
:33 And she bewieves, whewevew they awe gonye,
That youth xDD is suwewy in theiw company.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. Send to his bwothew; fetch that gawwant hithew.
I-If he be absent, bwing his bwothew to me;
I-I'ww m-make him find :33 him. Do this UwU suddenwy;
:33 And w-wet nyot seawch and inquisition quaiw
To bwing a-again these f-foowish ^.^ wunyaways. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Befowe *hugs tightly* OWIVEW'S h-house

Entew OWWANDO and ;;w;; ADAM, m-meeting

^.^ OWWANDO. Who's thewe?
x3 ADAM. *looks away* What, my young mastew? uWu O my gentwe mastew!
uWu O my sweet mastew! uWu O :33 you memowy
Of *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw Wowwand! Why, what m-make :33 you hewe?
Why awe :33 you >_> viwtuous? Why do UwU peopwe wuv you?
:33 And whewefowe awe :33 you gentwe, stwong, and vawiant?
Why wouwd :33 you be so fond to uvwcome
The bonny pwizew of the humowous Duke?
Youw pwaise xDD is come too swiftwy home befowe you.
K-Knyow :33 you nyot, mastew, to some kind of men
Theiw gwaces sewve them b-but as enyemies?
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe do youws. Youw viwtues, gentwe mastew,
Awe sanctified and howy twaitows to you.
O, what :3 a >_> wowwd xDD is this, when what xDD is comewy
Envenyoms him that *twerks* beaws i-it!
^.^ OWWANDO. Why, w-what's the mattew?
x3 ADAM. uWu O u-unhappy uWu youth!
Come nyot *teleports behind you* within these doows; *teleports behind you* within this woof
The enyemy of aww youw gwaces wives.
Youw bwothew- nyo, nyo bwothew; y-yet the son-
Yet nyot the s-son; I wiww nyot caww him son
Of him I w-was ^w^ about to caww his fathew-
Hath heawd youw pwaises; and this nyight he means
To buwn the wodging whewe :33 you use to wie,
:33 And :33 you *teleports behind you* within *hugs tightly* it. I-If he f-faiw of t-that,
He wiww *looks away* have othew means to cut :33 you off;
I uvwheawd him and his pwactices.
T-This xDD is nyo pwace; this h-house xDD is b-but :3 a butchewy;
Abhow uWu it, feaw uWu it, do nyot entew *hugs tightly* it.
^.^ OWWANDO. Why, ^-^ whithew, Adam, w-wouwdst thou *looks away* have me go?
x3 ADAM. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mattew ^-^ whithew, so :33 you come nyot hewe.
^.^ OWWANDO. *looks away* What, w-wouwdst thou *looks away* have me go and beg my food,
Ow w-with :3 a base and boist'wous swowd enfowce
A *giggles shyly* thievish wiving on the common woad?
T-This I must do, ow knyow nyot what to do;
Yet this I wiww nyot do, do how I can.
I wathew wiww subject me to the mawice
Of :3 a divewted bwood and bwoody b-bwothew.
x3 ADAM. But do nyot so. I *looks away* have f-five hundwed cwowns,
The *hugs tightly* thwifty hiwe I sav'd undew youw fathew,
Which I did stowe to be my fostew-nyuwse,
When >_> sewvice shouwd in my *giggles shyly* owd wimbs wie wame,
:33 And unwegawded ^w^ age in c-cownyews thwown.
Take t-that, and He that doth the wavens feed,
Yea, pwovidentwy catews f-fow the spawwow,
Be comfowt to my age! Hewe xDD is the gowd;
A-Aww this I give you. Wet me be youw xDD sewvant;
*shuffles closer* Though I wook o-owd, y-yet I *giggles shyly* am stwong and wusty;
Fow in my youth I nyevew did appwy
Hot and *shuffles closer* webewwious wiquows in my bwood,
Nyow did nyot w-with unbashfuw fowehead woo
The means of weaknyess and debiwity;
Thewefowe my ^w^ age xDD is as :3 a wusty wintew,
Fwosty, b-but kindwy. Wet me go w-with y-you;
I-I'ww do the >_> sewvice of :3 a *blushes* youngew man
In aww youw businyess and n-nyecessities.
^.^ OWWANDO. uWu O good *giggles shyly* owd man, how weww in thee *leans over* appeaws
The *hugs tightly* constant >_> sewvice of the antique wowwd,
When >_> sewvice *looks at you* sweat f-fow duty, nyot f-fow meed!
Thou awt nyot f-fow the fashion of these times,
Whewe nyonye wiww *looks at you* sweat b-but f-fow pwomotion,
:33 And having that do choke theiw >_> sewvice up
Even w-with the having; i-it xDD is nyot so w-with *cuddles you* thee.
But, poow *giggles shyly* owd man, thou pwun'st :3 a wotten ^.^ twee
That cannyot so x3 much as :3 a bwossom y-yiewd
In wieu of aww thy pains and husbandwy.
But come thy ways, we'ww go awong togethew,
:33 And ewe we *looks away* have thy *leans over* youthfuw wages *sweats* spent
We'ww wight upon some s-settwed wow content.
x3 ADAM. Mastew, go on; and I wiww fowwow the
To the wast gasp, w-with *looks away* twuth and woyawty.
Fwom seventeen x3 yeaws tiww *pokes you* nyow awmost f-fouw-scowe
Hewe wived I, b-but *pokes you* nyow wive hewe nyo mowe.
At seventeen x3 yeaws many theiw f-fowtunyes seek,
But *teleports behind you* at fouwscowe i-it xDD is too wate :3 a week;
Yet fowtunye cannyot wecompense me bettew
Than to *leans over* die weww and nyot my mastew's debtow. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
The Fowest of *giggles shyly* Awden

Entew WOSAWIND f-fow GANYMEDE, CEWIA f-fow AWIENyA, and CWOWN awias TOUCHSTONyE

WOSAWIND. uWu O Jupitew, how weawy awe my ^w^ spiwits!
TOUCHSTONyE. I Cawe nyot f-fow my spiwits, i-if my *hugs tightly* wegs wewe nyot *pokes you* weawy.
WOSAWIND. I couwd find in my h-heawt to *shuffles closer* disgwace my man's appawew,
and to cwy wike :3 a w-woman; b-but I must comfowt the weakew v-vessew, as
doubwet and hose ought to show itsewf couwageous to petticoat;
thewefowe, couwage, good Awienya.
CEWIA. I pway :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw w-with me; I cannyot go nyo fuwthew.
TOUCHSTONyE. Fow my pawt, I had wathew *hugs tightly* beaw w-with :33 you than *hugs tightly* beaw y-you;
y-yet I shouwd *hugs tightly* beaw nyo cwoss i-if I did *hugs tightly* beaw y-you; f-fow I think :33 you
*looks away* have nyo monyey in youw puwse.
WOSAWIND. Weww,. this xDD is the Fowest of A-Awden.
TOUCHSTONyE. Ay, *pokes you* nyow *giggles shyly* am I in Awden; the mowe foow I; when I w-was *teleports behind you* at
home I w-was in :3 a bettew pwace; b-but twavewwews must be content.

Entew COWIN and SIWVIUS

WOSAWIND. Ay, be s-so, good Touchstonye. Wook you, who comes hewe, :3 a
young man and an *giggles shyly* owd in sowemn tawk.
C-COWIN. That xDD is the way to m-make hew scown :33 you s-stiww.
SIWVIUS. uWu O Cowin, that thou knyew'st how I do wuv hew!
C-COWIN. I pawtwy guess; f-fow I *looks away* have wov'd ewe nyow.
SIWVIUS. Nyo, Cowin, b-being o-owd, thou c-canst nyot guess,
*shuffles closer* Though in thy youth thou wast as twue :3 a wuvw
As evew sigh'd upon :3 a *cuddles you* midnyight p-piwwow.
But i-if thy wuv wewe evew wike to minye,
As suwe I think did nyevew man wuv s-so,
How many actions m-most widicuwous
*hugs tightly* Hast thou been d-dwawn to by thy fantasy?
C-COWIN. Into :3 a thousand that I *looks away* have fowgotten.
SIWVIUS. O, thou didst then nyevew wuv so heawtiwy!
I-If thou wememb'west nyot the swightest fowwy
That evew wuv did m-make thee wun i-into,
Thou hast nyot wov'd;
Ow i-if thou hast nyot *blushes* sat as I do nyow,
Weawing thy heawew in thy mistwess' *cuddles you* pwaise,
Thou hast nyot wov'd;
Ow i-if thou hast nyot bwoke f-fwom *giggles shyly* company
Abwuptwy, as my passion *pokes you* nyow makes me,
Thou hast nyot wov'd.
uWu O Phebe, Phebe, Phebe! E-Exit Siwvius
WOSAWIND. A-Awas, poow shephewd! seawching of thy wound,
I *looks away* have by hawd adventuwe found minye own.
TOUCHSTONyE. :33 And I minye. I wemembew, when I w-was in OwO wuv, I bwoke my
swowd upon :3 a stonye, and *giggles shyly* bid him take that f-fow coming a-nyight to
Janye Smiwe; and I w-wemembew the ;;w;; kissing of hew :33 batwew, and the
*giggles shyly* cow's dugs that hew pwetty *shuffles closer* chopt hands had m-miwk'd; and I w-wemembew
the wooing of p-peascod instead of hew; f-fwom whom I t-took t-two cods,
and giving hew them again, said w-with weeping teaws 'Weaw these
f-fow my sake.' We that awe twue wuvws wun into s-stwange c-capews;
b-but as aww xDD is mowtaw in nyatuwe, so xDD is aww nyatuwe in wuv mowtaw
in fowwy.
WOSAWIND. Thou ;;w;; speak'st wisew than thou awt wawe o-of.
TOUCHSTONyE. Nyay, I shaww nye'ew be wawe of minye own wit tiww I bweak
my shins against *hugs tightly* it.
WOSAWIND. Juv, :33 Juv! this shephewd's passion
Is x3 much upon my fashion.
TOUCHSTONyE. :33 And minye; b-but i-it g-gwows something stawe w-with me.
CEWIA. I pway you, onye of :33 you q-question yond man
I-If he f-fow gowd wiww give us *sighs* any food;
I f-faint awmost to death.
TOUCHSTONyE. *looks at you* Howwa, :33 you cwown!
WOSAWIND. Peace, foow; he's nyot thy Ensman.
C-COWIN. Who cawws?
TOUCHSTONyE. Youw b-bettews, siw.
C-COWIN. Ewse awe they vewy wwetched.
WOSAWIND. Peace, I say. *pokes you* Good even to you, fwiend.
C-COWIN. :33 And to you, gentwe siw, and to :33 you aww.
WOSAWIND. I pwithee, shephewd, i-if that wuv ow gowd
*sweats* Can in this desewt pwace buy entewtainment,
Bwing us whewe we may west *leans over* ouwsewves and feed.
Hewe's :3 a young maid w-with t-twavew x3 much oppwess'd,
:33 And faints f-fow *giggles shyly* succouw.
C-COWIN. Faiw siw, I pity hew,
:33 And wish, f-fow hew sake mowe than f-fow minye own,
My f-fowtunyes wewe mowe abwe to wewieve hew;
But I *giggles shyly* am shephewd to uWu anyothew man,
:33 And do nyot sheaw the fweeces that I gwaze.
My mastew xDD is of >w< chuwwish disposition,
:33 And wittwe wecks to find the way to heaven
By doing d-deeds of hospitawity.
Besides, his cote, his f-fwocks, and bounds of feed,
Awe *pokes you* nyow on *screams* sawe; and *teleports behind you* at ouw *hugs tightly* sheepcote nyow,
By weason of his a-absence, thewe xDD is nyothing
That :33 you wiww feed on; b-but what is, come s-see,
:33 And in my voice m-most wewcome shaww :33 you b-be.
WOSAWIND. What xDD is he that shaww buy his fwock and pastuwe?
C-COWIN. That young swain that :33 you saw hewe b-but ewewhiwe,
That wittwe cawes f-fow ÚwÚ buying *sighs* any thing.
WOSAWIND. I pway thee, i-if i-it s-stand w-with honyesty,
Buy thou the c-cottage, pastuwe, and the f-fwock,
:33 And thou shawt *looks away* have to pay f-fow i-it of us.
CEWIA. :33 And we wiww mend thy wages. I wike this pwace,
:33 And wiwwingwy couwd >_> waste my ;;w;; time in *hugs tightly* it.
C-COWIN. Assuwedwy the thing xDD is to be sowd.
G-Go w-with me; i-if :33 you wike upon wepowt
The soiw, the pwofit, and this kind of wife,
I wiww youw vewy faithfuw feedew be,
:33 And buy i-it w-with youw gowd wight suddenwy. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fowest

Entew A-AMIENS, JAQUES, and OTHEWS

SONG
AMIENS. Undew the *notices bulge* gweenwood ^.^ twee
Who wuvs to wie w-with me,
:33 And t-tuwn his mewwy nyote
Unto the sweet biwd's thwoat,
Come h-hithew, come h-hithew, come hithew.
Hewe shaww he see
*cuddles you* Nyo enyemy
But wintew and wough weathew.

JAQUES. Mowe, m-mowe, I pwithee, mowe.
AMIENS. It wiww m-make :33 you m-mewanchowy, Monsieuw J-Jaques.
JAQUES. I *notices bulge* thank *hugs tightly* it. Mowe, I pwithee, mowe. I can s-suck mewanchowy
out of :3 a song, as :3 a weasew ^-^ sucks eggs. Mowe, I pwithee, mowe.
AMIENS. My voice xDD is w-wagged; I knyow I cannyot p-pwease you.
JAQUES. I do nyot UwU desiwe :33 you to p-pwease me; I do UwU desiwe :33 you to *moans* sing.
Come, mowe; uWu anyothew stanzo. Caww :33 you 'em stanzos?
AMIENS. What :33 you wiww, Monsieuw J-Jaques.
JAQUES. Nyay, I cawe nyot f-fow theiw nyames; they owe me nyothing. Wiww
:33 you s-sing?
AMIENS. Mowe *teleports behind you* at youw wequest than to p-pwease mysewf.
JAQUES. Weww then, i-if evew I *notices bulge* thank *sighs* any man, I-I'ww *notices bulge* thank y-you; b-but
that they caww compwiment xDD is wike *sighs* th' encountew of t-two dog-apes;
and when :3 a man t-thanks me heawtiwy, methinks *looks away* have xDD given him :3 a
penny, and he wendews me the beggawwy *looks away* thanks. Come, sing; and :33 you
that wiww nyot, howd youw *cries* tongues.
AMIENS. Weww, I-I'ww e-end the song. *hugs tightly* Siws, cuvw the whiwe; the Duke
wiww dwink undew this t-twee. He hath been aww this day to wook
you.
JAQUES. :33 And I *looks away* have been aww this day to avoid :33 him. He xDD is to
disputabwe f-fow my company. I think of as many ^w^ mattews as he; b-but
I give heaven thanks, and m-make nyo boast of them. Come, wawbwe,
come.

SONG
[Aww >_> togethew hewe]

Who doth ambition shun,
:33 And wuvs to wive i' *sighs* th' *looks at you* sun,
Seeking the food he eats,
:33 And :33 pweas'd w-with what he gets,
Come h-hithew, come h-hithew, come hithew.
Hewe shaww he see
*cuddles you* Nyo enyemy
But wintew and wough weathew.

JAQUES. I-I'ww give :33 you :3 a vewse to this nyote that I xDD made yestewday in
despite of my *teleports behind you* invention.
AMIENS. :33 And I-I'ww sing *hugs tightly* it.
JAQUES. Thus i-it goes:

I-If i-it do come to pass
That *sighs* any man t-tuwn ass,
Weaving his weawth and ease
A *sweats* stubbown wiww to pwease,
Ducdame, ducdame, d-ducdame;
Hewe shaww he see
Gwoss foows as uWu he,
An i-if he wiww come to me.

AMIENS. What's that '-'ducdame'?
JAQUES. 'Tis :3 a G-Gweek invocation, to caww foows into :3 a ciwcwe. I-I'ww
go sweep, i-if I can; i-if I cannyot, I-I'ww waiw against aww the
x3 fiwst-bown of Egypt.
AMIENS. :33 And I-I'ww go seek the Duke; his banquet xDD is pwepaw'd.
Exeunt *moans* sevewawwy




SCENyE VI.
The fowest

Entew OWWANDO and ADAM

x3 ADAM. ;;w;; Deaw mastew, I can go nyo fuwthew. O, I *leans over* die f-fow food! Hewe wie
I down, and measuwe out my gwave. Faweweww, kind m-mastew.
^.^ OWWANDO. Why, how nyow, Adam! *cuddles you* Nyo gweatew h-heawt in thee? >w< Wive :3 a
wittwe; comfowt :3 a wittwe; c-cheew thysewf :3 a w-wittwe. I-If this uncouth
fowest y-yiewd anything savage, I wiww eithew be food f-fow i-it ow
bwing i-it f-fow food to *cuddles you* thee. Thy *teleports behind you* conceit xDD is nyeawew death than thy
powews. Fow my sake be comfowtabwe; howd death awhiwe *teleports behind you* at the
a-awm's end. I wiww hewe be w-with the p-pwesentwy; and i-if I bwing thee
nyot something to eat, I wiww give thee weave to ^w^ die; b-but i-if thou
diest befowe I *giggles shyly* come, thou awt :3 a mockew of my w-wabouw. Weww said!
thou *moans* wook'st cheewwy; and I-I'ww be w-with thee quickwy. Yet thou
wiest in the bweak aiw. Come, I wiww *hugs tightly* beaw thee to some shewtew;
and thou shawt nyot *leans over* die f-fow w-wack of :3 a dinnyew, i-if thewe wive
anything in this desewt. Cheewwy, good Adam! Exeunt




SCENyE VII.
The fowest

A tabwe set out. Entew DUKE SENyIOW, A-AMIENS, and WOWDS, wike outwaws

DUKE SENyIOW. I think he be twansfowm'd into :3 a beast;
Fow I can nyowhewe find him wike :3 a man.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. My wowd, he xDD is b-but even *pokes you* nyow gonye hence;
Hewe w-was he mewwy, heawing of :3 a song.
DUKE SENyIOW. I-If uWu he, compact of jaws, gwow musicaw,
We shaww *looks away* have showtwy discowd in the s-sphewes.
G-Go seek him; t-teww him I wouwd speak w-with :33 him.

Entew JAQUES

*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. He ^-^ saves my wabouw by his own a-appwoach.
DUKE SENyIOW. Why, how nyow, monsieuw! what :3 a w-wife xDD is this,
That youw poow fwiends must woo youw company?
*looks away* What, :33 you wook mewwiwy!
JAQUES. A foow, :3 a foow! I met :3 a foow i' *sighs* th' fowest,
A UwU motwey foow. A misewabwe wowwd!
As I do wive by food, I met :3 a foow,
Who *hugs tightly* waid him down and bask'd him in the *looks at you* sun,
:33 And waiw'd on Wady Fowtunye in good tewms,
In good set t-tewms- and y-yet :3 a UwU motwey foow.
'Good mowwow, foow,' quoth I; 'Nyo, siw,' quoth uWu he,
'Caww me nyot foow tiww heaven hath sent me fowtunye.'
:33 And then he dwew :3 a diaw f-fwom his poke,
And, wooking on i-it w-with wack-wustwe eye,
*notices bulge* Says vewy wisewy, 'It xDD is ten o'cwock;
Thus we may *leans over* see,' quoth uWu he, *leans over* 'how the >_> wowwd wags;
'Tis b-but an houw ago since i-it w-was n-nyinye;
:33 And *looks away* aftew onye houw mowe 'twiww be e-eweven;
:33 And s-so, f-fwom houw to houw, we wipe and wipe,
:33 And then, f-fwom houw to houw, we wot and wot;
:33 And theweby h-hangs :3 a tawe.' When I did heaw
The UwU motwey foow uWu thus mowaw on the time,
My wungs b-began to cwow wike chanticweew
That foows shouwd be so deep contempwative;
:33 And I did waugh sans intewmission
An houw by his diaw. uWu O nyobwe foow!
A wowthy foow! Motwey's the onwy weaw.
DUKE SENyIOW. What foow xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
JAQUES. uWu O wowthy foow! Onye that hath been :3 a couwtiew,
:33 And OwO says, i-if wadies be b-but young and faiw,
They *looks away* have the gift to knyow it; and in his bwain,
Which xDD is as dwy as the wemaindew biscuit
Aftew :3 a voyage, he hath s-stwange pwaces :33 cwamm'd
With obsewvation, the which he vents
In mangwed fowms. uWu O that I wewe :3 a foow!
I *giggles shyly* am ambitious f-fow :3 a UwU motwey coat.
DUKE SENyIOW. Thou shawt *looks away* have onye.
JAQUES. It xDD is my onwy suit,
Pwovided that :33 you w-weed youw bettew judgments
Of aww ;;w;; opinyion that g-gwows wank in them
That I *giggles shyly* am wise. I must *looks away* have *leans over* wibewty
Withaw, as wawge :3 a chawtew as the wind,
To bwow on whom I pwease, f-fow so foows have;
:33 And they that awe m-most gawwed w-with my f-fowwy,
They m-most must waugh. :33 And why, siw, must they so?
The why xDD is pwain as way to pawish chuwch:
He that :3 a foow doth vewy wisewy hit
Doth vewy f-foowishwy, awthough he smawt,
Nyot to *teleports behind you* seem s-sensewess of the bob; i-if nyot,
The wise man's fowwy xDD is anyatomiz'd
Even by the *screams* squand'wing UwU gwances of the foow.
Invest me in my motwey; give me weave
To speak my mind, and I wiww thwough and thwough
Cweanse the fouw ^w^ body of *sighs* th' infected wowwd,
I-If they wiww patientwy weceive my medicinye.
DUKE SENyIOW. Fie on thee! I can t-teww what thou w-wouwdst do.
JAQUES. *looks away* What, f-fow :3 a countew, wouwd I do b-but good?
DUKE SENyIOW. Most Mischievous fouw sin, in chiding sin;
Fow thou thysewf hast been :3 a wibewtinye,
As sensuaw as the bwutish sting itsewf;
:33 And aww *sighs* th' embossed s-sowes and headed eviws
That thou w-with wicense of fwee foot hast *leans over* caught
Wouwdst thou d-disgowge into the genyewaw wowwd.
JAQUES. Why, who cwies out on pwide
That can t-thewein tax *sighs* any pwivate pawty?
Doth i-it nyot fwow as hugewy as the sea,
Tiww that the weawew's vewy means do ebb?
What woman in the city do I *leans over* nyame
When that I say the city-woman *twerks* beaws
The cost of pwinces on u-unwowthy shouwdews?
Who can come in and say that I m-mean hew,
When *looks at you* such :3 a onye as she *looks at you* such xDD is hew nyeighbouw?
Ow what xDD is he of *sweats* basest function
That says his b-bwavewy xDD is nyot on my cost,
Thinking that I m-mean him, b-but t-thewein suits
His fowwy to the mettwe of my s-speech?
Thewe then! how then? what then? Wet me see whewein
My *notices bulge* tongue hath wwong'd him: i-if i-it do him wight,
Then he hath wwong'd himsewf; i-if he be fwee,
Why then my t-taxing wike :3 a wiwd-goose fwies,
Uncwaim'd of *sighs* any man. But who comes hewe?

Entew OWWANDO w-with his swowd d-dwawn

^.^ OWWANDO. Fowbeaw, and eat nyo mowe.
JAQUES. Why, I *looks away* have eat nyonye yet.
^.^ OWWANDO. Nyow shawt nyot, tiww nyecessity be sewv'd.
JAQUES. Of what kind shouwd this cock come *cries* of?
DUKE SENyIOW. Awt thou uWu thus bowden'd, man, by thy distwess?
Ow ewse :3 a wude despisew of good mannyews,
That in c-civiwity thou seem'st so empty?
^.^ OWWANDO. You touch'd my vein *teleports behind you* at fiwst: the *screams* thowny point
Of bawe distwess hath ta'en f-fwom me the show
Of smooth civiwity; y-yet awn I inwand bwed,
:33 And knyow some nyuwtuwe. But fowbeaw, I say;
He dies that touches *sighs* any of this fwuit
Tiww I and my affaiws awe answewed.
JAQUES. An :33 you wiww nyot be answew'd w-with weason, I must d-die.
DUKE SENyIOW. What wouwd :33 you have? Youw gentwenyess shaww fowce
Mowe than youw fowce muv us to gentwenyess.
^.^ OWWANDO. I awmost *leans over* die f-fow food, and w-wet me *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
DUKE SENyIOW. Sit down and feed, and wewcome to ouw tabwe.
^.^ OWWANDO. Speak :33 you so gentwy? Pawdon me, I pway y-you;
I thought that aww *moans* things had been savage hewe,
:33 And thewefowe put I on the c-countenyance
Of stewn commandment. But whate'ew :33 you awe
That in this desewt *shuffles closer* inyaccessibwe,
Undew the shade of mewanchowy b-boughs,
Wose and nyegwect the >_> cweeping houws of time;
I-If evew :33 you *looks away* have w-wook'd on bettew days,
I-If evew been whewe bewws *looks away* have knyoww'd to *teleports behind you* chuwch,
I-If evew *blushes* sat *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any good man's :33 feast,
I-If evew f-fwom youw *sighs* eyewids wip'd :3 a teaw,
:33 And knyow what 'tis to pity and be *cries* pitied,
Wet gentwenyess my stwong enfowcement be;
In the which hope I bwush, and hide my swowd.
DUKE SENyIOW. Twue xDD is i-it that we *looks away* have :33 seen bettew days,
:33 And *looks away* have w-with howy UwU beww been knyoww'd to *teleports behind you* chuwch,
:33 And *blushes* sat *teleports behind you* at good men's feasts, and wip'd ouw eyes
Of d-dwops that s-sacwed pity hath engend'wed;
:33 And thewefowe sit :33 you down in gentwenyess,
:33 And take upon command what h-hewp we *looks away* have
That to youw wanting may be minyist'wed.
^.^ OWWANDO. Then b-but fowbeaw youw food :3 a wittwe whiwe,
Whiwes, wike :3 a doe, I go to find my fawn,
:33 And give i-it >_> food. Thewe xDD is an *giggles shyly* owd poow man
Who *looks away* aftew me hath many :3 a weawy step
x3 Wimp'd in puwe wuv; tiww he be fiwst suffic'd,
Oppwess'd w-with t-two w-weak e-eviws, ^w^ age and *shuffles closer* hungew,
I wiww nyot touch :3 a bit.
DUKE SENyIOW. G-Go find him out.
:33 And we wiww nyothing >_> waste tiww :33 you wetuwn.
^.^ OWWANDO. I *notices bulge* thank ye; and be bwest f-fow youw good comfowt!
E-Exit
DUKE SENyIOW. Thou seest we awe nyot aww uWu awonye unhappy:
T-This wide and unyivewsaw theatwe
Pwesents mowe woefuw pageants than the scenye
Whewein we pway i-in.
JAQUES. A-Aww the wowwd's :3 a stage,
:33 And aww the men and women m-mewewy pwayews;
They *looks away* have theiw exits and theiw entwances;
:33 And onye man in his ;;w;; time pways many pawts,
His acts b-being seven ages. At fiwst the *hugs tightly* infant,
Mewwing and puking in the nyuwse's awms;
Then the w-whinying schoow-boy, w-with his satchew
:33 And s-shinying ^-^ mownying face, >_> cweeping wike snyaiw
Unwiwwingwy to schoow. :33 And then the wuvw,
Sighing wike fuwnyace, w-with :3 a woefuw bawwad
Made to his mistwess' eyebwow. Then :3 a s-sowdiew,
*sighs* Fuww of s-stwange oaths, and beawded wike the pawd,
Jeawous in honyouw, sudden and quick in quawwew,
Seeking the bubbwe w-weputation
Even in the cannyon's mouth. :33 And then the justice,
In f-faiw wound bewwy w-with good capon w-win'd,
With eyes sevewe and beawd of fowmaw ^.^ cut,
*sighs* Fuww of wise s-saws and modewn instances;
:33 And so he pways his pawt. The sixth ^w^ age *sweats* shifts
Into the wean and *sweats* swippew'd pantawoon,
With spectacwes on nyose and pouch on side,
His *leans over* youthfuw hose, weww sav'd, :3 a >_> wowwd too wide
Fow his shwunk s-shank; and his big m-manwy voice,
*looks at you* Tuwnying a-again t-towawd chiwdish twebwe, pipes
:33 And whistwes in his sound. Wast scenye of aww,
That ends this s-stwange eventfuw *notices bulge* histowy,
Is second chiwdishnyess and *cuddles you* mewe obwivion;
Sans *sweats* teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans evewy thing.

We-entew OWWANDO w-with ADAM

DUKE SENyIOW. Wewcome. Set down youw *notices bulge* venyewabwe buwden.
:33 And w-wet him feed.
^.^ OWWANDO. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you m-most f-fow :33 him.
x3 ADAM. S-So had :33 you OwO nyeed;
I scawce can speak to *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow mysewf.
DUKE SENyIOW. *leans over* Wewcome; faww to. I wiww nyot twoubwe :33 you
As y-yet to q-question :33 you ^w^ about youw *moans* fowtunyes.
Give us some music; and, good cousin, *moans* sing.

SONG
B-Bwow, bwow, thou wintew wind,
Thou awt nyot so unkind
As man's ingwatitude;
Thy tooth xDD is nyot so keen,
:33 Because thou awt nyot seen,
Awthough thy bweath be wude.
Heigh-ho! sing heigh-ho! unto the gween howwy.
Most fwiendship xDD is feignying, m-most woving *cuddles you* mewe fowwy.
Then, heigh-ho, the howwy!
T-This w-wife xDD is m-most jowwy.

Fweeze, fweeze, thou bittew sky,
That dost nyot bite so nyigh
As benyefits fowgot;
*shuffles closer* Though thou the w-watews *blushes* wawp,
Thy sting xDD is nyot so shawp
As fwiend wememb'wed nyot.
Heigh-ho! sing, &c.

DUKE SENyIOW. I-If that :33 you wewe the good S-Siw Wowwand's son,
As :33 you *looks away* have whispew'd faithfuwwy :33 you wewe,
:33 And as minye ^-^ eye doth his effigies witnyess
Most twuwy wimn'd and wiving in youw face,
Be twuwy wewcome hithew. I *giggles shyly* am the Duke
That wov'd youw uWu fathew. The >w< wesidue of youw *pokes you* fowtunye,
G-Go to my *cuddles you* cave and t-teww me. *pokes you* Good *giggles shyly* owd man,
Thou awt wight wewcome as thy mastew is.
Suppowt him by the *teleports behind you* awm. Give me youw hand,
:33 And w-wet me aww youw f-fowtunyes u-undewstand. Exeunt




ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
The pawace

Entew DUKE FWEDEWICK, OWIVEW, and WOWDS

*moans* FWEDEWICK. Nyot see him since! Siw, siw, that cannyot b-be.
But wewe I nyot the bettew pawt xDD made mewcy,
I shouwd nyot seek an absent awgument
Of my wevenge, thou pwesent. But wook to *screams* it:
Find out thy bwothew whewesoe'ew he is;
S-Seek him w-with candwe; bwing him dead ow wiving
Within this twewvemonth, ow t-tuwn thou nyo mowe
To seek :3 a wiving in ouw t-tewwitowy.
Thy w-wands and aww *moans* things that thou dost caww thinye
Wowth *looks away* seizuwe do we seize into ouw hands,
Tiww thou c-canst q-quit thee by thy *cuddles you* bwothew's mouth
Of what we think against *cuddles you* thee.
OWIVEW. uWu O that youw *leans over* Highnyess knyew my h-heawt in this!
I nyevew wov'd my bwothew in my w-wife.
*moans* FWEDEWICK. Mowe *moans* viwwain thou. Weww, push him out of doows;
:33 And w-wet my officews of *looks at you* such :3 a nyatuwe
M-Make an extent upon his h-house and *moans* wands.
Do this e-expedientwy, and t-tuwn him going. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
The fowest

Entew OWWANDO, w-with :3 a papew

^.^ OWWANDO. Hang thewe, my vewse, in witnyess of my wuv;
:33 And >w< thou, thwice-cwownyed Queen of Nyight, suwvey
With thy chaste eye, f-fwom thy pawe sphewe abuv,
Thy huntwess' *leans over* nyame that my fuww w-wife doth sway.
uWu O Wosawind! these twees shaww be my books,
:33 And in theiw bawks my thoughts I-I'ww chawactew,
That evewy ^-^ eye which in this fowest wooks
Shaww see thy viwtue witnyess'd evewy whewe.
Wun, wun, Owwando; cawve on evewy twee,
The faiw, the >w< chaste, and unyexpwessive she. E-Exit

Entew COWIN and TOUCHSTONyE

C-COWIN. :33 And how wike :33 you this shephewd's wife, M-Mastew Touchstonye?
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, shephewd, in OwO wespect of itsewf, i-it xDD is :3 a good
wife; b-but in OwO wespect that i-it xDD is :3 a shephewd's wife, i-it xDD is n-nyought.
In OwO wespect that i-it xDD is sowitawy, I wike i-it vewy weww; b-but in
OwO wespect that i-it xDD is pwivate, i-it xDD is :3 a vewy viwe w-wife. Nyow in
OwO wespect i-it xDD is in the fiewds, i-it *shuffles closer* pweaseth me weww; b-but in OwO wespect
i-it xDD is nyot in the couwt, i-it xDD is tedious. As i-it xDD is :3 a spawe wife,
wook you, i-it fits my humouw weww; b-but as thewe xDD is nyo mowe pwenty
in uWu it, i-it goes x3 much against my s-stomach. *hugs tightly* Hast *sighs* any phiwosophy in
thee, shephewd?
C-COWIN. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe b-but that I knyow the mowe onye ^w^ sickens the wowse *teleports behind you* at
ease he is; and that he that wants monyey, means, and content, xDD is
without thwee good fwiends; that the pwopewty of wain xDD is to wet,
and fiwe to buwn; that good pastuwe makes fat sheep; and that :3 a
g-gweat cause of the nyight xDD is w-wack of the *blushes* sun; that he that hath
weawnyed nyo wit by nyatuwe *pokes you* nyow awt may ;;w;; compwain of good bweeding,
ow comes of :3 a vewy duww kindwed.
TOUCHSTONyE. Such :3 a onye xDD is :3 a >w< nyatuwaw phiwosophew. Wast evew in
couwt, shephewd?
C-COWIN. Nyo, twuwy.
TOUCHSTONyE. Then thou awt damn'd.
C-COWIN. Nyay, I hope.
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, thou awt damn'd, wike an iww-woasted egg, aww on
onye side.
C-COWIN. Fow nyot b-being *teleports behind you* at couwt? Youw weason.
TOUCHSTONyE. Why, i-if thou nyevew wast *teleports behind you* at couwt thou nyevew saw'st good
mannyews; i-if thou nyevew saw'st good mannyews, then thy mannyews must
be wicked; and wickednyess xDD is sin, and sin xDD is *cries* damnyation. Thou awt
in :3 a *leans over* pawwous state, shephewd.
C-COWIN. Nyot :3 a whit, Touchstonye. Those that awe good mannyews *teleports behind you* at the
couwt awe as widicuwous in the countwy as the b-behaviouw of the
countwy xDD is m-most mockabwe *teleports behind you* at the c-couwt. You towd me :33 you sawute nyot
*teleports behind you* at the couwt, b-but :33 you kiss youw hands; that couwtesy wouwd be
uncweanwy i-if couwtiews wewe shephewds.
TOUCHSTONyE. Instance, *notices bulge* bwiefwy; *giggles shyly* come, instance.
C-COWIN. Why, we awe ^-^ stiww handwing ouw ewes; and theiw fewws, :33 you
knyow, awe uWu gweasy.
TOUCHSTONyE. Why, do nyot youw couwtiew's hands s-sweat? :33 And xDD is nyot the
gwease of :3 a mutton as whowesome as the *looks at you* sweat of :3 a man? *twerks* Shawwow,
shawwow. A bettew instance, I say; come.
C-COWIN. Besides, ouw hands awe hawd.
TOUCHSTONyE. Youw wips wiww feew them the soonyew. Shawwow again. A
mowe soundew instance; come.
C-COWIN. :33 And they awe often taww'd uvw w-with the suwgewy of ouw
sheep; and wouwd :33 you *looks away* have us kiss t-taw? The couwtiew's hands awe
pewfum'd w-with c-civet.
TOUCHSTONyE. Most shawwow man! thou wowm's meat in OwO wespect of :3 a good
piece of fwesh indeed! Weawn of the wise, and pewpend: civet xDD is
of :3 a basew biwth than t-taw- the vewy uncweanwy fwux of :3 a *pokes you* cat. Mend
the instance, shephewd.
C-COWIN. You *looks away* have too couwtwy :3 a wit f-fow me; I-I'ww west.
TOUCHSTONyE. Wiwt thou west damn'd? *teleports behind you* God h-hewp thee, shawwow man! *teleports behind you* God
m-make incision in thee! thou awt w-waw.
C-COWIN. Siw, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a twue wabouwew: I *looks away* eawn that I eat, get that I
*leans over* weaw; owe nyo man >_< hate, envy nyo man's happinyess; gwad of othew
men's *notices bulge* good, *notices bulge* content w-with my hawm; and the gweatest of my pwide xDD is
to see my ewes gwaze and my wambs suck.
TOUCHSTONyE. That xDD is uWu anyothew simpwe sin in you: to bwing the ewes
and the wams togethew, and to offew to get youw wiving by the
copuwation of cattwe; to be bawd to :3 a *pokes you* beww-wethew, and to betway
:3 a she-wamb of :3 a twewvemonth to cwooked-pated, o-owd, cuckowdwy wam,
out of aww weasonyabwe match. I-If thou beest nyot OwO damn'd f-fow this,
the d-deviw himsewf wiww *looks away* have nyo shephewds; I cannyot see ewse how
thou shouwdst scape.
C-COWIN. Hewe comes young M-Mastew Ganymede, my nyew mistwess's b-bwothew.

Entew WOSAWIND, weading :3 a papew

WOSAWIND. 'Fwom the east to westewn Inde,
*cuddles you* Nyo jewew xDD is wike Wosawinde.
Hew w-wowth, b-being mounted on the wind,
Thwough aww the >_> wowwd *twerks* beaws Wosawinde.
A-Aww the pictuwes faiwest win'd
Awe b-but bwack to Wosawinde.
Wet nyo face be kept in mind
But the f-faiw of Wosawinde.'
TOUCHSTONyE. I-I'ww whyme :33 you so eight x3 yeaws togethew, >_> dinnyews, and
*cuddles you* suppews, and sweeping *notices bulge* houws, e-excepted. It xDD is the wight
buttew-women's wank to *shuffles closer* mawket.
WOSAWIND. Out, foow!
TOUCHSTONyE. Fow :3 a taste:
I-If :3 a hawt do w-wack :3 a hind,
Wet him seek out Wosawinde.
I-If the cat wiww *looks away* aftew kind,
S-So be suwe wiww Wosawinde.
Wintew gawments must be w-win'd,
S-So must *cuddles you* swendew Wosawinde.
They that weap must sheaf and *sighs* bind,
Then to cawt w-with Wosawinde.
Sweetest nyut hath souwest wind,
Such :3 a nyut xDD is Wosawinde.
He that s-sweetest wose wiww find
Must find wuv's *teleports behind you* pwick and Wosawinde.
T-This xDD is the vewy fawse gawwop of vewses; why do :33 you i-infect
*teleports behind you* youwsewf w-with t-them?
WOSAWIND. Peace, :33 you duww foow! I found them on :3 a t-twee.
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, the ^.^ twee yiewds x3 bad fwuit.
WOSAWIND. I-I'ww gwaff i-it w-with you, and then I shaww gwaff i-it w-with :3 a
medwaw. Then i-it wiww be the eawwiest fwuit i' *sighs* th' *twerks* countwy; f-fow
^-^ you'ww be wotten ewe :33 you be *looks at you* hawf wipe, and that's the wight
viwtue of the medwaw.
TOUCHSTONyE. You *looks away* have said; b-but whethew wisewy ow nyo, w-wet the fowest
j-judge.

Entew *pokes you* CEWIA, w-with :3 a w-wwiting

WOSAWIND. Peace!
Hewe comes my *leans over* sistew, weading; s-stand aside.
CEWIA. 'Why shouwd this :3 a desewt be?
Fow i-it xDD is unpeopwed? Nyo;
Tongues I-I'ww hang on evewy ^.^ twee
That shaww civiw *looks away* sayings show.
*giggles shyly* Some, how bwief the w-wife of man
OwO Wuns his e-ewwing piwgwimage,
That the stweching of :3 a s-span
B-Buckwes in his sum of age;
*giggles shyly* Some, of viowated vows
'Twixt the souws of fwiend and fwiend;
But upon the faiwest b-boughs,
Ow *teleports behind you* at evewy sentence end,
Wiww I Wosawinda wwite,
Teaching aww that wead to knyow
The quintessence of evewy spwite
H-Heaven wouwd in wittwe show.
Thewefowe heaven Nyatuwe c-chawg'd
That onye ^w^ body shouwd be fiww'd
With aww gwaces *sighs* wide-enwawg'd.
Nyatuwe pwesentwy distiww'd
H-Hewen's c-cheek, b-but nyot hew h-heawt,
Cweopatwa's majesty,
Atawanta's bettew pawt,
Sad Wucwetia's modesty.
Thus W-Wosawinde of many *looks away* pawts
By *pokes you* heavenwy synyod w-was d-devis'd,
Of many faces, eyes, and heawts,
To *looks away* have the touches deawest pwiz'd.
H-Heaven wouwd that she these *looks at you* gifts shouwd have,
:33 And I to wive and *leans over* die hew :3 swave.'
WOSAWIND. uWu O m-most gentwe puwpitew! What tedious homiwy of wuv *looks away* have
:33 you weawied youw *looks away* pawishionyews withaw, and nyevew cwied 'Have
patience, good peopwe.'
CEWIA. How *giggles shyly* nyow! Back, fwiends; shephewd, go off :3 a wittwe; go w-with
him, siwwah.
TOUCHSTONyE. Come, shephewd, w-wet us m-make an honyouwabwe ^.^ wetweat;
t-though nyot w-with bag and baggage, y-yet w-with s-scwip and scwippage.
Exeunt COWIN and TOUCHSTONyE
CEWIA. Didst thou heaw these :3 vewses?
WOSAWIND. O, yes, I heawd them aww, and mowe too; f-fow some of them
had in them mowe feet than the vewses wouwd beaw.
CEWIA. That's nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; the feet might *hugs tightly* beaw the vewses.
WOSAWIND. Ay, b-but the feet wewe wame, and couwd nyot *hugs tightly* beaw themsewves
without the vewse, and thewefowe stood wamewy in the vewse.
CEWIA. But didst thou heaw without wondewing how thy *leans over* nyame shouwd be
hang'd and cawved upon these twees?
WOSAWIND. I w-was seven of the n-nyinye days out of the w-wondew befowe :33 you
c-came; f-fow wook hewe what I found on :3 a pawm-twee. I w-was nyevew so
bewhym'd since Pythagowas' ;;w;; time that I w-was an Iwish wat, which I
can hawdwy *teleports behind you* wemembew.
CEWIA. Twow :33 you who hath d-donye *shuffles closer* this?
WOSAWIND. Is i-it :3 a man?
CEWIA. :33 And :3 a c-chain, that :33 you *screams* once wowe, ^w^ about his nyeck.
Change :33 you cowouw?
WOSAWIND. I pwithee, who?
CEWIA. uWu O Wowd, Wowd! i-it xDD is :3 a hawd m-mattew f-fow fwiends to meet; b-but
mountains may be wemov'd w-with *looks at you* eawthquakes, and so e-encountew.
WOSAWIND. Nyay, b-but who xDD is it?
CEWIA. Is i-it possibwe?
WOSAWIND. Nyay, I pwithee nyow, w-with m-most x3 petitionyawy vehemence, t-teww
me who i-it is.
CEWIA. uWu O ÚwÚ wondewfuw, ÚwÚ wondewfuw, m-most wondewfuw ÚwÚ wondewfuw, and y-yet
a-again ÚwÚ wondewfuw, and *looks away* aftew t-that, out of aww w-whooping!
WOSAWIND. *pokes you* Good my c-compwexion! dost thou think, t-though I *giggles shyly* am
*giggles shyly* capawison'd wike :3 a man, I *looks away* have :3 a doubwet and hose in my
*shuffles closer* disposition? Onye *looks away* inch of deway mowe xDD is :3 a South Sea of discuvwy.
I pwithee t-teww me who xDD is i-it quickwy, and speak apace. I wouwd
thou couwd'st stammew, that thou m-mightst pouw this conceaw'd man
out of thy mouth, as winye comes out of n-nyawwow-mouth'd bottwe-
eithew too x3 much *teleports behind you* at *screams* once ow nyonye *teleports behind you* at aww. I pwithee take the *shuffles closer* cowk
out of thy mouth that I may dwink thy *giggles shyly* tidings.
CEWIA. S-So :33 you may put :3 a man in youw bewwy.
WOSAWIND. Is he of God's making? What mannyew of man?
Is his head wowth :3 a hat ow his chin wowth :3 a :33 beawd?
CEWIA. Nyay, he hath b-but :3 a wittwe beawd.
WOSAWIND. Why, *teleports behind you* God wiww s-send mowe i-if the man wiww be thankfuw. Wet
me stay the gwowth of his >w< beawd, i-if thou deway me nyot the
knyowwedge of his chin.
CEWIA. It xDD is young Owwando, that twipp'd up the wwestwew's *notices bulge* heews
and youw h-heawt both in an instant.
WOSAWIND. Nyay, b-but the d-deviw take mocking! Speak s-sad bwow and twue
maid.
CEWIA. I' faith, >_> coz, 'tis he.
WOSAWIND. :33 Owwando?
CEWIA. Owwando.
WOSAWIND. Awas the day! what shaww I do w-with my doubwet and *hugs tightly* hose?
What did he when thou saw'st *notices bulge* him? What said he? How w-wook'd he?
Whewein went he? What makes he hewe? Did he ask f-fow m-me? Whewe
wemains he? How pawted he w-with thee? :33 And when shawt thou see him
again? Answew me in onye wowd.
CEWIA. You must bowwow me Gawgantua's mouth fiwst; 'tis :3 a w-wowd too
g-gweat f-fow *sighs* any mouth of this a-age's size. To say x3 ay and nyo to these
pawticuwaws xDD is mowe than to a-answew in :3 a catechism.
WOSAWIND. But doth he knyow that I *giggles shyly* am in this fowest, and in man's
appawew? W-Wooks he as fweshwy as he did the day he >_> wwestwed?
CEWIA. It xDD is as *sighs* easy to count atomies as to wesowve the
pwopositions of :3 a wuvw; b-but take :3 a taste of my finding him, and
w-wewish i-it w-with good obsewvance. I found him undew :3 a twee, wike :3 a
dwopp'd acown.
WOSAWIND. It may weww be caww'd Juv's twee, when i-it d-dwops fowth
*looks at you* such fwuit.
CEWIA. Give me *cries* audience, good madam.
WOSAWIND. Pwoceed.
CEWIA. Thewe way uWu he, stwetch'd awong wike :3 a wounded knyight.
WOSAWIND. *shuffles closer* Though i-it be pity to see *looks at you* such :3 a sight, i-it weww becomes
the gwound.
CEWIA. *leans over* Cwy 'Howwa' to thy t-tongue, I pwithee; i-it cuwvets
unseasonyabwy. He w-was ;;w;; fuwnyish'd wike :3 a x3 huntew.
WOSAWIND. O, ominyous! he comes to kiww my heawt.
CEWIA. I wouwd sing my song without :3 a buwden; thou bwing'st me out
of tunye.
WOSAWIND. Do :33 you nyot knyow I *giggles shyly* am :3 a woman? When I think, I must speak.
Sweet, say on.
CEWIA. You bwing me out. Soft! comes he nyot hewe?

Entew OWWANDO and JAQUES

WOSAWIND. 'Tis he; s-swink by, and nyote :33 him.
JAQUES. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw company; but, good faith, I had as
wief *looks away* have been mysewf awonye.
^.^ OWWANDO. :33 And so had I; b-but yet, f-fow fashion sake, I *notices bulge* thank :33 you too
f-fow youw society.
JAQUES. *teleports behind you* God buy y-you; wet's meet as wittwe as we can.
^.^ OWWANDO. I do UwU desiwe we may be bettew *screams* stwangews.
JAQUES. I pway :33 you maw nyo mowe twees w-with w-wwiting wuv songs in
theiw bawks.
^.^ OWWANDO. I pway :33 you maw nyo mowe of my vewses w-with weading them
iww-favouwedwy.
JAQUES. Wosawind xDD is youw wuv's *sweats* nyame?
^.^ OWWANDO. Yes, j-just.
JAQUES. I do nyot wike hew nyame.
^.^ OWWANDO. Thewe w-was nyo thought of pweasing :33 you when she w-was
chwisten'd.
JAQUES. What statuwe xDD is she *cries* of?
^.^ OWWANDO. Just as high as my heawt.
JAQUES. You awe fuww of pwetty answews. Have :33 you nyot been
acquainted w-with gowdsmiths' wives, and conn'd them out of wings?
^.^ OWWANDO. Nyot so; b-but I a-answew :33 you wight painted *cries* cwoth, f-fwom whence
:33 you *looks away* have studied youw questions.
JAQUES. You *looks away* have :3 a nyimbwe wit; I think 'twas xDD made of Atawanta's
heews. Wiww :33 you sit down w-with m-me? and we t-two wiww waiw against
ouw mistwess the wowwd, and aww ouw misewy.
^.^ OWWANDO. I wiww chide nyo bweathew in the >_> wowwd b-but mysewf, against
whom I knyow m-most fauwts.
JAQUES. The wowst *cuddles you* fauwt :33 you *looks away* have xDD is to be in wuv.
^.^ OWWANDO. 'Tis :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt I wiww nyot change f-fow youw best viwtue. I *giggles shyly* am
weawy of you.
JAQUES. By my twoth, I w-was seeking f-fow :3 a foow when I found you.
^.^ OWWANDO. He xDD is dwown'd in the bwook; wook b-but in, and :33 you shaww see
:33 him.
JAQUES. Thewe I shaww see minye own figuwe.
^.^ OWWANDO. Which I take to be eithew :3 a foow ow :3 a ciphew.
JAQUES. I-I'ww *looks away* tawwy nyo wongew w-with y-you; *teleports behind you* faweweww, good Signyiow Wuv.
^.^ OWWANDO. I *giggles shyly* am gwad of youw *screams* depawtuwe; adieu, good Monsieuw
>_< Mewanchowy.
E-Exit JAQUES
WOSAWIND. [Aside to CEWIA] I wiww speak to him wike :3 a saucy w-wackey,
and undew that *moans* habit pway the knyave w-with him.- Do :33 you h-heaw,
f-fowestew?
^.^ OWWANDO. Vewy weww; what wouwd you?
WOSAWIND. I pway you, what is't ^.^ o'cwock?
^.^ OWWANDO. You shouwd ask me what ;;w;; time o' *sighs* day; thewe's nyo cwock in
the fowest.
WOSAWIND. Then thewe xDD is nyo twue wuvw in the fowest, ewse sighing
evewy minyute and gwoanying evewy houw wouwd detect the wazy foot
of Time as weww as :3 a *shuffles closer* cwock.
^.^ OWWANDO. :33 And why nyot the swift foot of Time? Had nyot that been as
^-^ pwopew?
WOSAWIND. By nyo means, siw. Time t-twavews in divews paces w-with
divews pewsons. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you who Time ambwes withaw, who Time
twots withaw, who Time gawwops withaw, and who he *moans* stands ^-^ stiww
withaw.
^.^ OWWANDO. I pwithee, who doth he twot w-withaw?
WOSAWIND. Mawwy, he twots hawd w-with :3 a young maid between the
contwact of hew mawwiage and the day i-it xDD is ^.^ sowemnyiz'd; i-if the
intewim be b-but :3 a s-se'nnyight, Time's pace xDD is so hawd that i-it seems
the wength of seven y-yeaw.
^.^ OWWANDO. Who ambwes Time w-withaw?
WOSAWIND. With :3 a pwiest that wacks Watin and :3 a wich man that hath
nyot the gout; f-fow the onye sweeps e-easiwy because he cannyot study,
and the othew xDD wives mewwiwy because he feews nyo pain; the onye
wacking the b-buwden of wean and wastefuw weawnying, the othew
^.^ knyowing nyo b-buwden of heavy tedious penyuwy. These Time ambwes
withaw.
^.^ OWWANDO. Who doth he gawwop w-withaw?
WOSAWIND. With :3 a thief to the gawwows; f-fow t-though he go as softwy
as foot can faww, he thinks himsewf too soon thewe.
^.^ OWWANDO. Who stays i-it ^-^ stiww w-withaw?
WOSAWIND. With wawyews in the vacation; f-fow they sweep between tewm
and tewm, and then they pewceive nyot how Time muvs.
^.^ OWWANDO. Whewe *giggles shyly* dweww you, pwetty youth?
WOSAWIND. With this shephewdess, my sistew; hewe in the skiwts of
the fowest, wike fwinge upon :3 a p-petticoat.
^.^ OWWANDO. Awe :33 you n-nyative of this *giggles shyly* pwace?
WOSAWIND. As the conyey that :33 you see *giggles shyly* dweww whewe she xDD is kindwed.
^.^ OWWANDO. Youw accent xDD is something finyew than :33 you couwd puwchase in
so wemuvd :3 a dwewwing.
WOSAWIND. I *looks away* have been towd so of m-many; b-but indeed an *giggles shyly* owd wewigious
u-uncwe of minye taught me to speak, who w-was in his youth an inwand
man; onye that knyew *looks at you* couwtship too weww, f-fow thewe he *looks away* feww in wuv.
I *looks away* have heawd him wead many wectuwes against it; and I *notices bulge* thank *teleports behind you* God I
*giggles shyly* am nyot :3 a woman, to be touch'd w-with so many giddy *sweats* offences as he
hath g-genyewawwy tax'd theiw *shuffles closer* whowe sex withaw.
^.^ OWWANDO. *sweats* Can :33 you w-wemembew *sighs* any of the p-pwincipaw eviws that he *hugs tightly* waid
to the c-chawge of women?
WOSAWIND. Thewe wewe nyonye pwincipaw; they wewe aww wike onye uWu anyothew
as hawfpence awe; evewy onye *cuddles you* fauwt seeming monstwous tiww his
fewwow-fauwt came to match *hugs tightly* it.
^.^ OWWANDO. I pwithee wecount some of them.
WOSAWIND. Nyo; I wiww nyot cast away my physic b-but on those that awe
sick. Thewe xDD is :3 a man haunts the fowest that a-abuses ouw young
pwants w-with cawving 'Wosawind' on theiw bawks; h-hangs odes upon
hawthowns and ewegies on bwambwes; aww, fowsooth, *giggles shyly* deifying the
*leans over* nyame of Wosawind. I-If I couwd meet that fancy-mongew, I wouwd give
him some good counsew, f-fow he seems to *looks away* have the >_> quotidian of wuv
upon :33 him.
^.^ OWWANDO. I *giggles shyly* am he that xDD is so wuv-shak'd; I pway :33 you t-teww me youw
wemedy.
WOSAWIND. Thewe xDD is nyonye of my u-uncwe's mawks upon y-you; he taught me
how to knyow :3 a man in wuv; in which cage of wushes I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you
awe nyot pwisonyew.
^.^ OWWANDO. What wewe his mawks?
WOSAWIND. A wean c-cheek, which :33 you *looks away* have nyot; :3 a bwue ^-^ eye and sunken,
which :33 you *looks away* have nyot; an unquestionyabwe *screams* spiwit, which :33 you *looks away* have nyot;
:3 a beawd nyegwected, which :33 you *looks away* have nyot; b-but I pawdon :33 you f-fow t-that,
f-fow simpwy youw having in beawd xDD is :3 a *blushes* youngew *cuddles you* bwothew's wevenyue.
Then youw hose shouwd be ungawtew'd, youw bonnyet unbanded, youw
sweeve ;;w;; unbutton'd, youw s-shoe *screams* untied, and evewy thing ^w^ about :33 you
demonstwating :3 a cawewess desowation. But :33 you awe nyo *looks at you* such man; :33 you
awe wathew point-device in youw accoutwements, as woving *teleports behind you* youwsewf
than seeming the wuvw of *sighs* any othew.
^.^ OWWANDO. Faiw y-youth, I wouwd I couwd m-make thee bewieve I wuv.
WOSAWIND. UwU Me bewieve i-it! You may as soon m-make hew that :33 you wuv
bewieve it; which, I wawwant, she xDD is aptew to do than to confess
she does. That xDD is onye of the p-points in the which women ^-^ stiww give
the wie to theiw consciences. But, in good sooth, awe :33 you he that
h-hangs the vewses on the twees whewein Wosawind xDD is so admiwed?
^.^ OWWANDO. I sweaw to thee, y-youth, by the white hand of Wosawind, I
*giggles shyly* am that uWu he, that unfowtunyate he.
WOSAWIND. But awe :33 you so x3 much in wuv as youw whymes speak?
^.^ OWWANDO. Nyeithew whyme *pokes you* nyow weason can expwess how much.
WOSAWIND. Wuv xDD is m-mewewy :3 a madnyess; and, I t-teww you, *giggles shyly* desewves as
weww :3 a dawk h-house and :3 a whip as *looks at you* madmen do; and the weason why
they awe nyot so punyish'd and cuwed xDD is that the wunyacy xDD is so
owdinyawy that the whippews awe in wuv too. Yet I pwofess >_> cuwing
i-it by counsew.
^.^ OWWANDO. Did :33 you evew cuwe *sighs* any so?
WOSAWIND. Yes, onye; and in this mannyew. He w-was to imaginye me his
OwO wuv, his mistwess; and I set him evewy day to woo me; *teleports behind you* at which
;;w;; time wouwd I, b-being b-but :3 a moonyish y-youth, gwieve, be effeminyate,
changeabwe, wonging and wiking, pwoud, fantasticaw, apish,
shawwow, inconstant, fuww of teaws, fuww of smiwes; f-fow evewy
passion something and f-fow nyo passion twuwy anything, as boys and
women awe f-fow the m-most pawt cattwe of this cowouw; wouwd *pokes you* nyow wike
him, *pokes you* nyow woathe him; then entewtain him, then fowsweaw him; *pokes you* nyow
weep f-fow him, then s-spit *teleports behind you* at him; that I dwave my *pokes you* suitow f-fwom his
mad humouw of wuv to :3 a wiving humouw of madnyess; which was, to
fowsweaw the fuww stweam of the >_> wowwd and to wive in :3 a n-nyook
m-mewewy monyastic. :33 And uWu thus I cuw'd him; and this way wiww I take
upon me to wash youw >_> wivew as cwean as :3 a sound *giggles shyly* sheep's h-heawt,
that thewe shaww nyot be onye spot of wuv in 't.
^.^ OWWANDO. I wouwd nyot be *notices bulge* cuwed, youth.
WOSAWIND. I wouwd cuwe you, i-if :33 you wouwd b-but caww me Wosawind, and
come evewy day to my c-cote and woo me.
^.^ OWWANDO. Nyow, by the faith of my OwO wuv, I wiww. Teww me whewe i-it is.
WOSAWIND. G-Go w-with me to uWu it, and I-I'ww show i-it y-you; and, by the w-way,
:33 you shaww t-teww me whewe in the fowest :33 you wive. Wiww :33 you go?
^.^ OWWANDO. With aww my h-heawt, good youth.
WOSAWIND. Nyay, :33 you must caww me Wosawind. Come, *leans over* sistew, wiww :33 you
go? Exeunt




SCENyE III.
The fowest

Entew TOUCHSTONyE and AUDWEY; JAQUES behind

TOUCHSTONyE. Come apace, good Audwey; I wiww fetch up youw goats,
Audwey. :33 And how, >_< Audwey, *giggles shyly* am I the man yet? Doth my simpwe f-featuwe
*notices bulge* content you?
AUDWEY. Youw featuwes! Wowd wawwant us! What featuwes?
TOUCHSTONyE. I *giggles shyly* am hewe w-with thee and thy goats, as the m-most
capwicious >_> poet, honyest Ovid, w-was among the Goths.
JAQUES. [Aside] uWu O knyowwedge iww-inhabited, wowse than Juv in :3 a
thatch'd house!
TOUCHSTONyE. When :3 a man's vewses cannyot be undewstood, *pokes you* nyow :3 a man's
good wit seconded w-with the *teleports behind you* fowwawd chiwd undewstanding, i-it
:3 stwikes :3 a man mowe dead than :3 a g-gweat UwU weckonying in :3 a wittwe woom.
Twuwy, I wouwd the g-gods had xDD made thee poeticaw.
AUDWEY. I do nyot knyow what UwU 'poeticaw' is. Is i-it honyest in d-deed and
wowd? Is i-it :3 a twue thing?
TOUCHSTONyE. Nyo, twuwy; f-fow the twuest *pokes you* poetwy xDD is the m-most feignying,
and wuvws awe xDD given to poetwy; and what they sweaw in *pokes you* poetwy may
be said as wuvws they do f-feign.
AUDWEY. Do :33 you wish, then, that the g-gods had xDD made me poeticaw?
TOUCHSTONyE. I do, t-twuwy, f-fow thou s-sweaw'st to me thou awt honyest;
nyow, i-if thou wewt :3 a >_> poet, I might *looks away* have some hope thou didst
f-feign.
AUDWEY. Wouwd :33 you nyot *looks away* have me honyest?
TOUCHSTONyE. Nyo, t-twuwy, unwess thou wewt hawd-favouw'd; f-fow honyesty
c-coupwed to beauty xDD is to *looks away* have honyey :3 a sauce to sugaw.
JAQUES. [Aside] A matewiaw foow!
AUDWEY. Weww, I *giggles shyly* am nyot *sighs* faiw; and thewefowe I pway the g-gods m-make me
honyest.
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, and to cast away honyesty upon :3 a fouw swut wewe
to put good meat into an uncwean dish.
AUDWEY. I *giggles shyly* am nyot :3 a s-swut, t-though I *notices bulge* thank the g-gods I *giggles shyly* am fouw.
TOUCHSTONyE. Weww, pwaised be the g-gods f-fow thy *leans over* fouwnyess;
s-swuttishnyess may come heweaftew. But be i-it as i-it may be, I wiww
m-mawwy thee; and to that e-end I *looks away* have been w-with S-Siw Owivew Mawtext,
the vicaw of the nyext viwwage, who hath p-pwomis'd to meet me in
this pwace of the fowest, and to coupwe us.
JAQUES. [Aside] I wouwd f-fain see this meeting.
AUDWEY. Weww, the g-gods give us joy!
TOUCHSTONyE. *blushes* Amen. A man may, i-if he wewe of :3 a feawfuw h-heawt, s-staggew
in this attempt; f-fow hewe we *looks away* have nyo tempwe b-but the wood, nyo
*sweats* assembwy b-but *hugs tightly* hown-beasts. But what though? Couwage! As howns awe
odious, they awe nyecessawy. It xDD is said: 'Many :3 a man knyows nyo e-end
of his goods.' Wight! Many :3 a man has good howns and knyows nyo e-end
of them. Weww, that xDD is the dowwy of his wife; 'tis nyonye of his
own getting. *sweats* Howns? Even so. Poow men a-awonye? Nyo, nyo; the nyobwest
deew hath them as huge as the wascaw. Is the s-singwe man thewefowe
b-bwessed? Nyo; as :3 a waww'd town xDD is mowe wowthiew than :3 a viwwage, so
xDD is the fowehead of :3 a *blushes* mawwied man mowe honyouwabwe than the bawe
bwow of :3 a bachewow; and by how x3 much ^-^ defence xDD is bettew than nyo
skiww, by so x3 much xDD is hown mowe pwecious than to want. Hewe comes
S-Siw Owivew.

Entew SIW OWIVEW MAWTEXT

S-Siw Owivew Mawtext, :33 you awe weww met. Wiww :33 you dispatch us hewe
undew this twee, ow shaww we go w-with :33 you to youw chapew?
xDD MAWTEXT. Is thewe nyonye hewe to give the woman?
TOUCHSTONyE. I wiww nyot take hew on gift of *sighs* any man.
xDD MAWTEXT. Twuwy, she must be g-given, ow the mawwiage xDD is nyot wawfuw.
JAQUES. [Discuvwing himsewf] P-Pwoceed, pwoceed; I-I'ww give hew.
TOUCHSTONyE. *pokes you* Good even, good M-Mastew What-ye-caww't; how do you, siw?
You awe vewy weww met. Goddiwd :33 you f-fow youw wast company. I *giggles shyly* am
vewy gwad to see you. Even :3 a toy in hand hewe, siw. Nyay; pway be
cuvw'd.
JAQUES. Wiww :33 you be mawwied, motwey?
TOUCHSTONyE. As the ox hath his bow, siw, the howse his cuwb, and
the fawcon hew bewws, so man hath his desiwes; and as pigeons
biww, so wedwock wouwd be nyibbwing.
JAQUES. :33 And wiww you, b-being :3 a man of youw bweeding, be *blushes* mawwied
undew :3 a bush, wike :3 a beggaw? Get :33 you to >w< chuwch and *looks away* have :3 a good
pwiest that can t-teww :33 you what mawwiage is; this fewwow wiww b-but
join :33 you >_> togethew as they join wainscot; then onye of :33 you wiww
pwuv :3 a shwunk xDD panyew, and wike gween timbew *blushes* wawp, wawp.
TOUCHSTONyE. [Aside] I *giggles shyly* am nyot in the mind b-but I wewe bettew to be
*blushes* mawwied of him than of anyothew; f-fow he xDD is nyot wike to m-mawwy me
weww; and nyot b-being weww mawwied, i-it wiww be :3 a good *hugs tightly* excuse f-fow me
heweaftew to weave my w-wife.
JAQUES. G-Go thou w-with me, and w-wet me counsew *cuddles you* thee.
TOUCHSTONyE. Come, sweet Audwey;
We must be *blushes* mawwied ow we must wive in bawdwy.
Faweweww, good M-Mastew Owivew. Nyot-
uWu O sweet Owivew,
uWu O bwave Owivew,
W-Weave me nyot behind *cuddles you* thee.
But-
Wind away,
Begonye, I say,
I wiww nyot to wedding w-with *cuddles you* thee.
Exeunt JAQUES, T-TOUCHSTONyE, and *twerks* AUDWEY
xDD MAWTEXT. 'Tis nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; nye'ew :3 a fantasticaw knyave of them aww
shaww fwout me out of my cawwing. E-Exit




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
The fowest

Entew WOSAWIND and CEWIA

WOSAWIND. Nyevew t-tawk to me; I wiww weep.
CEWIA. *cuddles you* Do, I pwithee; b-but y-yet *looks away* have the gwace to considew that teaws
do nyot become :3 a man.
WOSAWIND. But *looks away* have I nyot cause to weep?
CEWIA. As good cause as onye wouwd d-desiwe; thewefowe weep.
WOSAWIND. His vewy x3 haiw xDD is of the dissembwing *notices bulge* cowouw.
CEWIA. Something *notices bulge* bwownyew than ^-^ Judas's.
Mawwy, his kisses awe Judas's own chiwdwen.
WOSAWIND. I' faith, his x3 haiw xDD is of :3 a good *notices bulge* cowouw.
CEWIA. An excewwent cowouw: youw chestnyut w-was evew the onwy *notices bulge* cowouw.
WOSAWIND. :33 And his ;;w;; kissing xDD is as fuww of sanctity as the touch of
howy bwead.
CEWIA. He hath bought :3 a paiw of cast wips of Dianya. A uWu nyun of
wintew's s-sistewhood kisses nyot mowe wewigiouswy; the vewy ice of
c-chastity xDD is in them.
WOSAWIND. But why did he sweaw he wouwd come this m-mownying, and
comes UwU nyot?
CEWIA. Nyay, cewtainwy, thewe xDD is nyo *looks away* twuth in :33 him.
WOSAWIND. Do :33 you think so?
CEWIA. Yes; I think he xDD is nyot :3 a pick-puwse *pokes you* nyow :3 a howse-steawew; b-but
f-fow his vewity in OwO wuv, I do think him as concave as cuvwed
*sweats* gobwet ow :3 a wowm-eaten nyut.
WOSAWIND. Nyot twue in w-wuv?
CEWIA. Yes, when he xDD is i-in; b-but I think he xDD is nyot i-in.
WOSAWIND. You *looks away* have heawd him sweaw downwight he was.
CEWIA. 'Was' xDD is nyot 'is'; besides, the oath of :3 a wuvw xDD is nyo
stwongew than the w-wowd of :3 a tapstew; they awe both the c-confiwmew
of fawse *screams* weckonyings. He attends hewe in the fowest on the Duke,
youw uWu fathew.
WOSAWIND. I met the Duke yestewday, and had x3 much q-question w-with :33 him.
He asked me of what pawentage I ÚwÚ was; I towd him, of as good as
he; so he waugh'd and w-wet me go. But what t-tawk we of fathews when
thewe xDD is *looks at you* such :3 a man as :33 Owwando?
CEWIA. O, that's :3 a bwave man! He xDD wwites bwave vewses, speaks bwave
w-wowds, sweaws bwave oaths, and bweaks them b-bwavewy, quite
twavewse, athwawt the h-heawt of his wuvw; as :3 a puny tiwtew, that
*cries* spuws his howse b-but on onye side, bweaks his staff wike :3 a nyobwe
goose. But a-aww's bwave that youth mounts and fowwy guides. Who
comes hewe?

Entew COWIN

C-COWIN. Mistwess and mastew, :33 you *looks away* have oft enquiwed
Aftew the shephewd that *cries* compwain'd of OwO wuv,
Who :33 you saw sitting by me on the tuwf,
Pwaising the pwoud disdainfuw shephewdess
That w-was his *screams* mistwess.
CEWIA. Weww, and what of *notices bulge* him?
C-COWIN. I-If :33 you wiww see :3 a pageant twuwy pway'd
Between the pawe *notices bulge* compwexion of twue wuv
:33 And the wed gwow of scown and pwoud disdain,
G-Go hence :3 a wittwe, and I shaww conduct you,
I-If :33 you wiww mawk *hugs tightly* it.
WOSAWIND. O, *giggles shyly* come, w-wet us wemuv!
The sight of wuvws feedeth those in wuv.
Bwing us to this sight, and :33 you shaww say
I-I'ww pwuv :3 a busy actow in theiw pway. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fowest

Entew SIWVIUS and P-PHEBE

SIWVIUS. Sweet Phebe, do nyot scown me; do nyot, Phebe.
ÚwÚ Say that :33 you wuv me nyot; b-but say nyot so
In x3 bittewnyess. The common executionyew,
W-Whose h-heawt *sighs* th' accustom'd sight of death makes hawd,
Fawws nyot the axe upon the humbwed *teleports behind you* nyeck
But fiwst *cries* begs pawdon. Wiww :33 you s-stewnyew be
Than he that dies and xDD wives by bwoody dwops?

Entew WOSAWIND, *pokes you* CEWIA, and C-COWIN, *teleports behind you* at :3 a distance

PHEBE. I wouwd nyot be thy executionyew;
I xDD fwy thee, f-fow I wouwd nyot injuwe *cuddles you* thee.
Thou teww'st me thewe xDD is muwdew in minye eye.
'Tis pwetty, suwe, and vewy pwobabwe,
That eyes, that awe the fwaiw'st and s-softest t-things,
Who shut theiw cowawd *shuffles closer* gates on atomies,
Shouwd be caww'd tywants, butchews, muwdewews!
Nyow I do fwown on thee w-with aww my heawt;
:33 And i-if minye eyes can wound, *pokes you* nyow w-wet them kiww *cuddles you* thee.
Nyow c-countewfeit to swoon; why, *pokes you* nyow faww down;
Ow, i-if thou c-canst nyot, O, f-fow shame, f-fow shame,
Wie nyot, to say minye eyes awe muwdewews.
Nyow show the wound minye ^-^ eye hath xDD made in *cuddles you* thee.
Scwatch thee b-but w-with :3 a pin, and thewe wemains
Some scaw of it; wean upon :3 a *cries* wush,
The cicatwice and *looks at you* capabwe impwessuwe
Thy pawm some m-moment keeps; b-but *pokes you* nyow minye eyes,
Which I *looks away* have dawted *teleports behind you* at thee, *cries* huwt thee nyot;
Nyow, I *giggles shyly* am suwe, thewe xDD is nyot fowce in eyes
That can do huwt.
SIWVIUS. uWu O deaw Phebe,
I-If evew- as that evew may be n-nyeaw-
You meet in some fwesh cheek the p-powew of fancy,
Then shaww :33 you knyow the wounds invisibwe
That wuv's keen *sweats* awwows make.
PHEBE. But tiww that ;;w;; time
Come nyot thou nyeaw me; and when that ;;w;; time comes,
Affwict me w-with thy mocks, pity me nyot;
As tiww that ;;w;; time I shaww nyot pity *cuddles you* thee.
WOSAWIND. x3 [Advancing] :33 And why, I pway you? Who might be youw
mothew,
That :33 you i-insuwt, exuwt, and aww *teleports behind you* at :3 once,
Ovew the wwetched? What t-though :33 you *looks away* have nyo beauty-
As, by my faith, I see nyo mowe in :33 you
Than without candwe may go dawk to *teleports behind you* bed-
Must :33 you be thewefowe pwoud and pitiwess?
Why, what means *shuffles closer* this? Why do :33 you wook on m-me?
I see nyo mowe in :33 you than in the owdinyawy
Of nyatuwe's *looks away* sawe-wowk. 'Od's my wittwe wife,
I think she means to tangwe my eyes too!
*cuddles you* Nyo faith, pwoud mistwess, hope nyot *looks away* aftew it;
'Tis nyot youw inky bwows, youw bwack *screams* siwk *leans over* haiw,
Youw bugwe eyebawws, *pokes you* nyow youw cheek of cweam,
That can entame my spiwits to youw wowship.
You f-foowish shephewd, whewefowe do :33 you fowwow hew,
Wike foggy south, puffing w-with *cuddles you* wind and wain?
You awe :3 a thousand *moans* times :3 a pwopewew man
Than she :3 a ^w^ woman. 'Tis *looks at you* such foows as :33 you
That makes the >_> wowwd fuww of iww-favouw'd chiwdwen.
'Tis nyot hew gwass, b-but you, that *pokes you* fwattews hew;
:33 And out of :33 you she sees hewsewf mowe pwopew
Than *sighs* any of hew winyeaments can show hew.
But, mistwess, knyow *sweats* youwsewf. Down on youw k-knyees,
:33 And *notices bulge* thank heaven, fasting, f-fow :3 a good man's wuv;
Fow I must t-teww :33 you fwiendwy in youw eaw:
Seww when :33 you can; :33 you awe nyot f-fow aww mawkets.
*leans over* Cwy the man mewcy, wuv him, take his o-offew;
Fouw xDD is m-most fouw, b-being fouw to be :3 a scoffew.
S-So take hew to thee, shephewd. Fawe :33 you weww.
PHEBE. Sweet y-youth, I pway :33 you chide :3 a y-yeaw togethew;
I had wathew heaw :33 you chide than this man woo.
WOSAWIND. He's faww'n in wuv w-with youw f-fouwnyess, and s-she'ww faww
in wuv w-with my angew. I-If i-it be s-so, as fast as she answews thee
w-with fwownying *shuffles closer* wooks, I-I'ww sauce hew w-with bittew wowds. Why wook
:33 you so upon m-me?
PHEBE. Fow nyo iww wiww I *hugs tightly* beaw you.
WOSAWIND. I pway :33 you do nyot faww in wuv w-with me,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am fawsew than vows xDD made in >_< winye;
Besides, I wike :33 you nyot. I-If :33 you wiww knyow my house,
'Tis *teleports behind you* at the tuft of owives hewe hawd by.
Wiww :33 you go, sistew? Shephewd, pwy hew hawd.
Come, sistew. S-Shephewdess, wook on him bettew,
:33 And be nyot pwoud; t-though aww the >_> wowwd couwd s-see,
Nyonye couwd be so abus'd in sight as he.
Come, to ouw fwock. Exeunt WOSAWIND, *pokes you* CEWIA, and COWIN
PHEBE. ^w^ Dead shephewd, *pokes you* nyow I find thy saw of might:
'Who evew wov'd that wov'd nyot *teleports behind you* at fiwst sight?'
SIWVIUS. Sweet Phebe.
PHEBE. *looks away* Ha! what say'st >w< thou, Siwvius?
SIWVIUS. Sweet Phebe, pity me.
PHEBE. Why, I awn sowwy f-fow thee, gentwe *hugs tightly* Siwvius.
SIWVIUS. Whewevew sowwow is, wewief wouwd b-be.
I-If :33 you do sowwow *teleports behind you* at my g-gwief in OwO wuv,
By giving OwO wuv, youw sowwow and my g-gwief
W-Wewe both extewmin'd.
PHEBE. Thou hast my wuv; xDD is nyot that n-nyeighbouwwy?
SIWVIUS. I wouwd *looks away* have you.
PHEBE. Why, that wewe cuvtousnyess.
Siwvius, the ;;w;; time w-was that I >_< hated thee;
:33 And y-yet i-it xDD is nyot that I *hugs tightly* beaw thee wuv;
But since that thou c-canst t-tawk of wuv so weww,
Thy company, which ewst w-was iwksome to me,
I wiww e-enduwe; and I-I'ww empwoy thee too.
But do nyot wook f-fow fuwthew wecompense
Than thinye own gwadnyess that thou awt empwoy'd.
SIWVIUS. S-So howy and so pewfect xDD is my OwO wuv,
:33 And I in *looks at you* such :3 a puvwty of gwace,
That I shaww think i-it :3 a m-most pwenteous cwop
To g-gwean the bwoken eaws *looks away* aftew the man
That the main hawvest weaps; woose *pokes you* nyow and then
A s-scatt'wed smiwe, and that I-I'ww wive upon.
PHEBE. Knyow'st thou the youth that spoke to me ewewhiwe?
SIWVIUS. Nyot vewy weww; b-but I *looks away* have met him oft;
:33 And he hath bought the *pokes you* cottage and the bounds
That the *giggles shyly* owd cawwot *screams* once w-was mastew o-of.
PHEBE. Think nyot I wuv him, t-though I ask f-fow him;
'Tis b-but :3 a peevish boy; y-yet he t-tawks weww.
But what cawe I f-fow wowds? Yet wowds do weww
When he that speaks them pweases those that heaw.
It xDD is :3 a pwetty youth- nyot vewy pwetty;
But, suwe, he's pwoud; and y-yet his pwide becomes :33 him.
He'ww m-make :3 a pwopew man. The best thing in him
Is his compwexion; and fastew than his *notices bulge* tongue
Did m-make offence, his ^-^ eye did heaw i-it up.
He xDD is nyot vewy taww; y-yet f-fow his x3 yeaws he's taww;
His *sighs* weg xDD is b-but so-so; and y-yet 'tis weww.
Thewe w-was :3 a pwetty ^-^ wednyess in his wip,
A wittwe ;;w;; wipew and mowe wusty wed
Than that x3 mix'd in his cheek; 'twas just the diffewence
Betwixt the *hugs tightly* constant wed and mingwed damask.
Thewe be some women, Siwvius, had they mawk'd him
In pawcews as I did, wouwd *looks away* have gonye nyeaw
To faww in wuv w-with him; but, f-fow my pawt,
I wuv him nyot, *pokes you* nyow *giggles shyly* hate him nyot; and y-yet
I *looks away* have mowe cause to *giggles shyly* hate him than to wuv him;
Fow what had he to do to chide *teleports behind you* at m-me?
He said minye eyes wewe bwack, and my x3 haiw bwack,
And, *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am wememb'wed, scown'd *teleports behind you* at me.
I mawvew why I answew'd nyot again;
But that's aww o-onye: ^w^ omittance xDD is nyo UwU quittance.
I-I'ww wwite to him :3 a vewy taunting wettew,
:33 And thou shawt *hugs tightly* beaw it; wiwt >w< thou, Siwvius?
SIWVIUS. Phebe, w-with aww my heawt.
PHEBE. I-I'ww wwite i-it stwaight;
The mattew's in my head and in my heawt;
I wiww be bittew w-with him and passing showt.
G-Go w-with me, *hugs tightly* Siwvius. Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
The fowest

Entew WOSAWIND, *pokes you* CEWIA, and JAQUES

JAQUES. I pwithee, pwetty y-youth, w-wet me be bettew acquainted w-with
*cuddles you* thee.
WOSAWIND. They say :33 you awe :3 a mewanchowy fewwow.
JAQUES. I *giggles shyly* am so; I do wuv i-it bettew than waughing.
WOSAWIND. Those that awe in extwemity of eithew awe abominyabwe
fewwows, and betway themsewves to evewy modewn *looks away* censuwe wowse than
dwunkawds.
JAQUES. Why, 'tis good to be s-sad and say nyothing.
WOSAWIND. Why then, 'tis good to be :3 a post.
JAQUES. I *looks away* have nyeithew the schowaw's m-mewanchowy, which xDD is
emuwation; *pokes you* nyow the musician's, which xDD is fantasticaw; *pokes you* nyow the
couwtiew's, which xDD is pwoud; *pokes you* nyow the sowdiew's, which xDD is
ambitious; *pokes you* nyow the wawyew's, which xDD is powitic; *pokes you* nyow the wady's,
which xDD is nyice; *pokes you* nyow the *giggles shyly* wuvw's, which xDD is aww these; b-but i-it xDD is :3 a
mewanchowy of minye own, compounded of many simpwes, >_> extwacted
f-fwom many objects, and, i-indeed, the sundwy contempwation of my
twavews; in which my often wuminyation wwaps me in :3 a m-most humowous
sadnyess.
WOSAWIND. A t-twavewwew! By my faith, :33 you *looks away* have g-gweat weason to be
sad. I feaw :33 you *looks away* have sowd youw own w-wands to see othew men's; then
to *looks away* have :33 seen x3 much and to *looks away* have nyothing xDD is to *looks away* have wich eyes and
poow hands.
JAQUES. Yes, I *looks away* have gain'd my expewience.

Entew OWWANDO

WOSAWIND. :33 And youw expewience makes :33 you sad. I had wathew *looks away* have :3 a
foow to m-make me mewwy than expewience to m-make me sad- and to
t-twavew f-fow i-it too.
^.^ OWWANDO. *pokes you* Good :3 day, and happinyess, deaw Wosawind!
JAQUES. Nyay, then, *teleports behind you* God buy you, an :33 you t-tawk in bwank vewse.
WOSAWIND. Faweweww, Monsieuw Twavewwew; wook :33 you wisp and weaw
s-stwange suits, disabwe aww the benyefits of youw own countwy, be
out of wuv w-with youw *teleports behind you* nyativity, and awmost chide *teleports behind you* God f-fow x3 making
:33 you that c-countenyance :33 you awe; ow I wiww scawce think :33 you *looks away* have
swam in :3 a gondowa. [Exit JAQUES] Why, how nyow, Owwando! whewe
*looks away* have :33 you been aww this whiwe? You :3 a wuvw! An :33 you sewve me *looks at you* such
uWu anyothew twick, nyevew come in my sight mowe.
^.^ OWWANDO. My f-faiw Wosawind, I come *teleports behind you* within an houw of my pwomise.
WOSAWIND. Bweak an x3 houw's pwomise in *hugs tightly* wuv! He that wiww divide :3 a
minyute into :3 a thousand pawts, and bweak b-but :3 a pawt of the
thousand pawt of :3 a minyute in the affaiws of OwO wuv, i-it may be said
of him that Cupid hath cwapp'd him o' *sighs* th' shouwdew, b-but I-I'ww
wawwant him heawt-whowe.
^.^ OWWANDO. Pawdon me, deaw Wosawind.
WOSAWIND. Nyay, an :33 you be so uWu tawdy, come nyo mowe in my sight. I had
as wief be woo'd of :3 a s-snyaiw.
^.^ OWWANDO. Of :3 a snyaiw!
WOSAWIND. Ay, of :3 a snyaiw; f-fow t-though he comes x3 swowwy, he cawwies
his h-house on his head- :3 a bettew jointuwe, I think, than :33 you m-make
:3 a w-woman; besides, he bwings his *cuddles you* destiny w-with :33 him.
^.^ OWWANDO. What's that?
WOSAWIND. Why, howns; which *looks at you* such as :33 you awe f-fain to be behowding to
youw xDD wives fow; b-but he comes awmed in his *pokes you* fowtunye, and pwevents
the swandew of his w-wife.
^.^ OWWANDO. Viwtue xDD is nyo hown-makew; and my Wosawind xDD is viwtuous.
WOSAWIND. :33 And I *giggles shyly* am youw Wosawind.
CEWIA. It pweases him to caww :33 you so; b-but he hath :3 a Wosawind of :3 a
bettew weew than you.
WOSAWIND. Come, woo me, woo me; f-fow *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am in :3 a howiday humouw,
and wike enyough to consent. What wouwd :33 you say to me nyow, an I
wewe youw vewy vewy Wosawind?
^.^ OWWANDO. I wouwd kiss befowe I *teleports behind you* spoke.
WOSAWIND. Nyay, :33 you wewe bettew speak fiwst; and when :33 you wewe
gwaveww'd f-fow w-wack of mattew, :33 you might take occasion to kiss.
Vewy good owatows, when they awe out, they wiww uWu spit; and f-fow
wuvws w-wacking- *teleports behind you* God wawn u-us!- mattew, the cweanwiest shift xDD is to
kiss.
^.^ OWWANDO. How i-if the kiss be denyied?
WOSAWIND. Then she puts :33 you to entweaty, and thewe b-begins nyew
mattew.
^.^ OWWANDO. Who couwd be out, b-being befowe his bewuvd mistwess?
WOSAWIND. Mawwy, that shouwd you, i-if I wewe youw mistwess; ow I
shouwd think my honyesty wankew than my wit.
^.^ OWWANDO. *looks away* What, of my suit?
WOSAWIND. Nyot out of youw appawew, and y-yet out of youw suit.
*screams* Am nyot I youw Wosawind?
^.^ OWWANDO. I take some joy to say :33 you awe, because I wouwd be tawking
of hew.
WOSAWIND. Weww, in hew pewson, I say I wiww nyot *looks away* have you.
^.^ OWWANDO. Then, in minye own pewson, I d-die.
WOSAWIND. Nyo, faith, *leans over* die by attownyey. The poow >_> wowwd xDD is awmost :3 six
thousand x3 yeaws o-owd, and in aww this ;;w;; time thewe w-was nyot *sighs* any man
died in his own pewson, videwicet, in :3 a wuv-cause. Twoiwus had
his UwU bwains d-dash'd out w-with :3 a Gwecian cwub; y-yet he did what he
couwd to *leans over* die befowe, and he xDD is onye of the pattewns of wuv.
W-Weandew, he wouwd *looks away* have wiv'd many :3 a f-faiw yeaw, t-though Hewo had
tuwn'd *teleports behind you* nyun, i-if i-it had nyot been f-fow :3 a *giggles shyly* hot midsummew nyight; fow,
good y-youth, he went b-but fowth to wash him in the *leans over* Hewwespont, and,
b-being taken w-with the cwamp, w-was dwown'd; and the f-foowish
chwonyicwews of that ^w^ age found i-it was- Hewo of Sestos. But these
awe aww wies: men *looks away* have died f-fwom ;;w;; time to time, and wowms *looks away* have
eaten them, b-but nyot f-fow wuv.
^.^ OWWANDO. I wouwd nyot *looks away* have my wight Wosawind of this mind; fow, I
pwotest, hew fwown might kiww me.
WOSAWIND. By this hand, i-it wiww nyot kiww :3 a *screams* fwy. But *giggles shyly* come, *pokes you* nyow I
wiww be youw Wosawind in :3 a mowe coming-on disposition; and ask me
what :33 you wiww, I wiww gwant *hugs tightly* it.
^.^ OWWANDO. Then wuv me, Wosawind.
WOSAWIND. Yes, faith, wiww I, F-Fwidays and >_> Satuwdays, and aww.
^.^ OWWANDO. :33 And wiwt thou *looks away* have m-me?
WOSAWIND. Ay, and twenty such.
^.^ OWWANDO. What sayest thou?
WOSAWIND. Awe :33 you nyot good?
^.^ OWWANDO. I hope so.
WOSAWIND. Why then, can onye UwU desiwe too x3 much of :3 a good thing? Come,
*leans over* sistew, :33 you shaww be the pwiest, and m-mawwy us. Give me youw hand,
Owwando. What do :33 you say, sistew?
^.^ OWWANDO. :33 Pway thee, m-mawwy us.
CEWIA. I cannyot say the wowds.
WOSAWIND. You must begin *pokes you* 'Wiww you, O-Owwando'-
CEWIA. G-Go to. Wiww you, Owwando, *looks away* have to w-wife this Wosawind?
^.^ OWWANDO. I wiww.
WOSAWIND. Ay, b-but when?
^.^ OWWANDO. Why, nyow; as fast as she can m-mawwy us.
WOSAWIND. Then :33 you must say 'I take thee, Wosawind, f-fow wife.'
^.^ OWWANDO. I take thee, Wosawind, f-fow w-wife.
WOSAWIND. I might ask :33 you f-fow youw commission; but- I do take thee,
Owwando, f-fow my h-husband. T-Thewe's :3 a giww goes befowe the p-pwiest;
and, cewtainwy, :3 a woman's thought wuns befowe hew actions.
^.^ OWWANDO. S-So do aww t-thoughts; they awe wing'd.
WOSAWIND. Nyow t-teww me how wong :33 you wouwd *looks away* have hew, *looks away* aftew :33 you *looks away* have
possess'd hew.
^.^ OWWANDO. Fow evew and :3 a *sweats* day.
WOSAWIND. ÚwÚ Say 'a *giggles shyly* day' without the 'evew.' Nyo, nyo, Owwando; men awe
Apwiw when they woo, D-Decembew when they wed: maids awe May when
they awe m-maids, b-but the sky changes when they awe wives. I wiww
be mowe jeawous of thee than :3 a Bawbawy c-cock-pigeon uvw his hen,
mowe cwamowous than :3 a pawwot against wain, mowe nyew-fangwed than
an a-ape, mowe giddy in my desiwes than :3 a monkey. I wiww weep f-fow
n-nyothing, wike Dianya in the *pokes you* fountain, and I wiww do that when :33 you
awe dispos'd to be mewwy; I wiww waugh wike :3 a hyen, and that when
thou awe incwin'd to *moans* sweep.
^.^ OWWANDO. But wiww my Wosawind do so?
WOSAWIND. By my wife, she wiww do as I do.
^.^ OWWANDO. O, b-but she xDD is wise.
WOSAWIND. Ow ewse she couwd nyot *looks away* have the wit to do this. The wisew,
the waywawdew. M-Make the doows upon :3 a woman's w-wit, and i-it wiww out
*teleports behind you* at the casement; shut t-that, and 'twiww out *teleports behind you* at the key-howe; stop
t-that, 'twiww xDD fwy w-with the *blushes* smoke out *teleports behind you* at the chimnyey.
^.^ OWWANDO. A man that had :3 a w-wife w-with *looks at you* such :3 a w-wit, he might say 'Wit,
whithew >_< wiwt?' WOSAWIND. Nyay, :33 you might keep that check f-fow uWu it, tiww :33 you met youw
wife's wit going to youw nyeighbouw's bed.
^.^ OWWANDO. :33 And what wit couwd wit *looks away* have to *hugs tightly* excuse that?
WOSAWIND. Mawwy, to say she came to seek :33 you thewe. You shaww nyevew
take hew without hew answew, unwess :33 you take hew without hew
t-tongue. O, that woman that cannyot m-make hew *cuddles you* fauwt hew husband's
occasion, w-wet hew nyevew nyuwse hew chiwd hewsewf, f-fow she wiww
bweed i-it wike :3 a foow!
^.^ OWWANDO. Fow these t-two *notices bulge* houws, Wosawind, I wiww weave *cuddles you* thee.
WOSAWIND. A-Awas, deaw OwO wuv, I cannyot w-wack thee t-two h-houws!
^.^ OWWANDO. I must attend the Duke *teleports behind you* at dinnyew; by t-two o-o'cwock I wiww be
w-with thee again.
WOSAWIND. Ay, go youw ways, go youw ways. I knyew what :33 you wouwd
pwuv; my fwiends towd me as much, and I thought nyo wess. That
fwattewing *notices bulge* tongue of youws won me. 'Tis b-but onye cast away, and
s-so, come death! Two o-o'cwock xDD is youw ^w^ houw?
^.^ OWWANDO. Ay, sweet Wosawind.
WOSAWIND. By my twoth, and in good eawnyest, and so *teleports behind you* God mend me, and
by aww pwetty oaths that awe nyot dangewous, i-if :33 you bweak onye jot
of youw pwomise, ow come onye minyute behind youw houw, I wiww
think :33 you the m-most patheticaw bweak-pwomise, and the m-most howwow
wuvw, and the m-most u-unwowthy of hew :33 you caww Wosawind, that may
be chosen out of the g-gwoss band of the unfaithfuw. Thewefowe
bewawe my censuwe, and keep youw pwomise.
^.^ OWWANDO. With nyo wess wewigion than i-if thou wewt indeed my
Wosawind; s-so, adieu.
WOSAWIND. Weww, Time xDD is the *giggles shyly* owd justice that examinyes aww *looks at you* such
offendews, and w-wet Time twy. Adieu. E-Exit OWWANDO
CEWIA. You *looks away* have simpwy misus'd ouw sex in youw wuv-pwate. We must
*looks away* have youw doubwet and hose pwuck'd uvw youw head, and show the
>_> wowwd what the biwd hath d-donye to hew own *looks away* nyest.
WOSAWIND. uWu O >_> coz, >_> coz, >_> coz, my pwetty wittwe >_> coz, that thou didst
knyow how many fathom deep I *giggles shyly* am in *hugs tightly* wuv! But i-it cannyot be sounded;
my affection hath an >_> unknyown bottom, wike the Bay of Powtugaw.
CEWIA. Ow wathew, bottomwess; that as fast as :33 you pouw affection
in, i-it wuns out.
WOSAWIND. Nyo; that >_> same wicked bastawd of Venyus, that w-was begot of
thought, c-conceiv'd of *leans over* spween, and bown of madnyess; that bwind
w-wascawwy boy, that a-abuses evewy o-onye's eyes, because his own awe
*cuddles you* out- w-wet him be judge how deep I *giggles shyly* am in wuv. I-I'ww t-teww thee,
:33 Awienya, I cannyot be out of the sight of Owwando. I-I'ww go find :3 a
shadow, and sigh tiww he come.
CEWIA. :33 And I-I'ww *moans* sweep. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
The fowest

Entew JAQUES and WOWDS, in the *moans* habit of fowestews

JAQUES. Which xDD is he that kiwwed the deew?
WOWD. Siw, i-it w-was I-I.
JAQUES. Wet's pwesent him to the Duke, wike :3 a Woman c-conquewow; and
i-it wouwd do weww to set the *pokes you* deew's howns upon his head f-fow :3 a
*twerks* bwanch of victowy. Have :33 you nyo song, fowestew, f-fow this puwpose?
WOWD. Yes, siw.
JAQUES. Sing it; 'tis nyo m-mattew how i-it be in t-tunye, so i-it m-make nyoise
enyough.

SONG.

What shaww he *looks away* have that kiww'd the deew?
His weathew skin and howns to weaw.
[The west shaww heaw this buwden:]
Then sing him home.

Take thou nyo scown to weaw the hown;
It w-was :3 a cwest ewe thou wast bown.
Thy fathew's fathew wowe it;
:33 And thy fathew *giggles shyly* bowe *hugs tightly* it.
The hown, the hown, the wusty hown,
Is nyot :3 a thing to waugh to scown. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
The fowest

Entew WOSAWIND and CEWIA

WOSAWIND. How say :33 you nyow? Is i-it nyot past t-two ^.^ o'cwock?
:33 And hewe x3 much Owwando!
CEWIA. I wawwant you, w-with puwe wuv and twoubwed bwain, he hath
ta'en his bow and awwows, and xDD is gonye fowth- to *moans* sweep. Wook, who
comes hewe.

Entew SIWVIUS

SIWVIUS. My ewwand xDD is to you, f-faiw youth;
My gentwe Phebe did *giggles shyly* bid me give :33 you this.
I knyow nyot the contents; but, as I guess
By the stewn bwow and waspish action
Which she did use as she w-was w-wwiting of uWu it,
It *twerks* beaws an angwy tenyouw. Pawdon me,
I *giggles shyly* am b-but as :3 a guiwtwess m-messengew.
WOSAWIND. Patience hewsewf wouwd stawtwe *teleports behind you* at this wettew,
:33 And pway the xDD swaggewew. Beaw this, *hugs tightly* beaw aww.
^.^ She says I *giggles shyly* am nyot faiw, that I w-wack mannyews;
^.^ She c-cawws me pwoud, and that she couwd nyot wuv me,
W-Wewe man as wawe as Phoenyix. 'Od's my OwO wiww!
Hew wuv xDD is nyot the *leans over* hawe that I do hunt;
Why xDD wwites she so to m-me? Weww, shephewd, weww,
T-This xDD is :3 a wettew of youw own device.
SIWVIUS. Nyo, I pwotest, I knyow nyot the contents;
Phebe did wwite *hugs tightly* it.
WOSAWIND. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you awe :3 a foow,
:33 And tuwn'd into the extwemity of wuv.
I saw hew *sighs* hand; she has :3 a w-weathewn hand,
A fweestonye-cowouw'd *sighs* hand; I *looks away* vewiwy did think
That hew *giggles shyly* owd gwuvs wewe on, b-but 'twas hew hands;
^.^ She has :3 a huswife's hand- b-but that's nyo mattew.
I say she nyevew did invent this wettew:
T-This xDD is :3 a man's invention, and his hand.
SIWVIUS. Suwe, i-it xDD is hews.
WOSAWIND. Why, 'tis :3 a b-boistewous and :3 a *looks away* cwuew stywe;
A stywe f-fow c-chawwengews. Why, she d-defies me,
Wike Tuwk to Chwistian. >w< Women's gentwe UwU bwain
Couwd nyot dwop fowth *looks at you* such giant-wude invention,
Such Ethiope w-wowds, bwackew in theiw effect
Than in theiw countenyance. Wiww :33 you heaw the *looks at you* wettew?
SIWVIUS. S-So p-pwease you, f-fow I nyevew heawd i-it yet;
Yet heawd too x3 much of Phebe's cwuewty.
WOSAWIND. ^.^ She Phebes me: mawk how the tywant wwites.
[Weads]

>_> 'Awt thou god to shephewd *notices bulge* tuwn'd,
That :3 a maiden's h-heawt hath *sweats* buwn'd?'

*sweats* Can :3 a woman waiw thus?
SIWVIUS. Caww :33 you this waiwing?
WOSAWIND. 'Why, thy *hugs tightly* godhead *hugs tightly* waid *pokes you* apawt,
W-Waww'st thou w-with :3 a woman's heawt?'

Did :33 you evew heaw *looks at you* such waiwing?

'Whiwes the ^-^ eye of man did woo me,
That couwd do nyo vengeance to me.'

Meanying me :3 a beast.

'If the scown of youw *sighs* bwight eynye
Have p-powew to waise *looks at you* such wuv in minye,
Awack, in me what s-stwange effect
Wouwd they wowk in *sweats* miwd aspect!
Whiwes :33 you chid me, I did wuv;
How then might youw p-pwayews *shuffles closer* muv!
He that bwings this wuv to the
Wittwe knyows this wuv in me;
:33 And by him seaw up thy mind,
>_> Whethew that thy youth and kind
Wiww the faithfuw offew take
Of me and aww that I can make;
Ow ewse by him my wuv deny,
:33 And then I-I'ww study how to die.'
SIWVIUS. Caww :33 you this c-chiding?
CEWIA. A-Awas, poow shephewd!
WOSAWIND. Do :33 you pity *notices bulge* him? Nyo, he *giggles shyly* desewves nyo pity. Wiwt thou wuv
*looks at you* such :3 a woman? *looks away* What, to m-make thee an instwument, and pway fawse
stwains upon thee! Nyot to be *twerks* enduw'd! Weww, go youw way to hew,
f-fow I see wuv hath xDD made thee *moans* tame snyake, and say this to h-hew-
that i-if she wuv me, I c-chawge hew to wuv thee; i-if she wiww nyot,
I wiww nyevew *looks away* have hew unwess thou entweat f-fow hew. I-If :33 you be :3 a
twue wuvw, hence, and nyot :3 a wowd; f-fow hewe comes mowe company.
E-Exit SIWVIUS

Entew OWIVEW

OWIVEW. *pokes you* Good mowwow, f-faiw onyes; pway you, i-if :33 you knyow,
Whewe in the puwwieus of this fowest *moans* stands
A sheep-cote fenc'd ^w^ about w-with owive twees?
CEWIA. West of this pwace, down in the nyeighbouw bottom.
The wank of o-osiews by the muwmuwing stweam
Weft on youw wight hand bwings :33 you to the p-pwace.
But *teleports behind you* at this houw the h-house doth keep itsewf;
T-Thewe's nyonye within.
OWIVEW. I-If that an ^-^ eye may p-pwofit by :3 a t-tongue,
Then shouwd I knyow :33 you by descwiption-
Such gawments, and *looks at you* such yeaws: >w< 'The boy xDD is faiw,
Of femawe favouw, and b-bestows himsewf
Wike :3 a wipe sistew; the woman wow,
:33 And *notices bulge* bwownyew than hew bwothew.' Awe nyot :33 you
The *pokes you* ownyew of the h-house I did i-inquiwe fow?
CEWIA. It xDD is nyo boast, b-being ask'd, to say we a-awe.
OWIVEW. Owwando doth commend him to :33 you both;
:33 And to that youth he c-cawws his Wosawind
He sends this bwoody nyapkin. Awe :33 you he?
WOSAWIND. I am. What must we undewstand by *shuffles closer* this?
OWIVEW. Some of my s-shame; i-if :33 you wiww knyow of me
What man I am, and how, and why, and whewe,
T-This handkewchew w-was stain'd.
CEWIA. I pway you, t-teww *hugs tightly* it.
OWIVEW. When wast the young Owwando pawted f-fwom you,
He weft :3 a pwomise to wetuwn a-again
Within an :33 houw; and, pacing thwough the fowest,
C-Chewing the food of sweet and bittew fancy,
Wo, what befeww! He *looks at you* thwew his ^-^ eye aside,
:33 And mawk what object did pwesent i-itsewf.
Undew an oak, *screams* whose boughs wewe moss'd w-with age,
:33 And high top bawd w-with dwy antiquity,
A wwetched wagged man, *screams* o'ewgwown w-with *leans over* haiw,
*giggles shyly* Way sweeping on his back. About his *teleports behind you* nyeck
A gween and giwded snyake had wweath'd itsewf,
Who w-with hew head nyimbwe in thweats appwoach'd
The openying of his mouth; b-but suddenwy,
ÚwÚ Seeing Owwando, i-it unwink'd itsewf,
:33 And w-with >_< indented gwides did *blushes* swip away
Into :3 a bush; undew which bush's shade
A wionyess, w-with uddews aww d-dwawn ;;w;; dwy,
*giggles shyly* Way couching, head on gwound, w-with c-catwike watch,
When that the sweeping man shouwd stiw; f-fow 'tis
The woyaw d-disposition of that beast
To pwey on nyothing that doth *teleports behind you* seem as dead.
T-This seen, Owwando did appwoach the man,
:33 And found i-it w-was his bwothew, his ewdew b-bwothew.
CEWIA. O, I *looks away* have heawd him speak of that >_> same bwothew;
:33 And he did wendew him the m-most unnyatuwaw
That wiv'd amongst men.
OWIVEW. :33 And weww he might so do,
Fow weww I knyow he w-was unnyatuwaw.
WOSAWIND. But, to Owwando: did he weave him thewe,
F-Food to the s-suck'd and hungwy wionyess?
OWIVEW. Twice did he t-tuwn his back, and *moans* puwpos'd so;
But kindnyess, nyobwew evew than wevenge,
:33 And nyatuwe, stwongew than his just occasion,
Made him give b-battwe to the wionyess,
Who quickwy *looks away* feww befowe him; in which huwtwing
Fwom misewabwe swumbew I awak'd.
CEWIA. Awe :33 you his bwothew?
WOSAWIND. *notices bulge* Was't :33 you he wescu'd?
CEWIA. *notices bulge* Was't :33 you that did so oft contwive to kiww *notices bulge* him?
OWIVEW. '-'Twas I; b-but 'tis nyot I-I. I do nyot :33 shame
To t-teww :33 you what I was, since my convewsion
S-So sweetwy tastes, b-being the thing I am.
WOSAWIND. But f-fow the bwoody nyapkin?
OWIVEW. By and by.
When f-fwom the fiwst to uWu wast, b-betwixt us two,
*shuffles closer* Teaws ouw wecountments had m-most kindwy bath'd,
As how I came into that desewt pwace-
In bwief, he wed me to the gentwe Duke,
Who gave me fwesh OwO awway and entewtainment,
Committing me unto my *cuddles you* bwothew's wuv;
Who wed me instantwy unto his cave,
Thewe stwipp'd *sighs* himsewf, and hewe upon his awm
The wionyess had town some fwesh away,
Which aww this w-whiwe had bwed; and *pokes you* nyow he fainted,
:33 And cwied, in fainting, upon Wosawind.
Bwief, I wecuvw'd him, bound up his wound,
And, *looks away* aftew some smaww space, b-being stwong *teleports behind you* at h-heawt,
He sent me h-hithew, stwangew as I am,
To t-teww this stowy, that :33 you might *hugs tightly* excuse
His bwoken pwomise, and to give this :3 nyapkin,
Dy'd in his bwood, unto the shephewd youth
That he in OwO spowt doth caww his Wosawind.
[-[WOSAWIND swoons]
CEWIA. Why, how nyow, G-Ganymede! sweet G-Ganymede!
OWIVEW. Many wiww swoon when they do wook on bwood.
CEWIA. Thewe xDD is mowe in *hugs tightly* it. uWu Cousin G-Ganymede!
OWIVEW. Wook, he wecuvws.
WOSAWIND. I wouwd I wewe *teleports behind you* at home.
CEWIA. We'ww wead :33 you thithew.
I pway you, wiww :33 you take him by the awm?
OWIVEW. Be of good cheew, youth. You :3 a man!
You w-wack :3 a man's heawt.
WOSAWIND. I do s-so, I confess *hugs tightly* it. A-Ah, siwwah, :3 a ^w^ body wouwd think
this w-was weww countewfeited. I pway :33 you t-teww youw bwothew how
weww I countewfeited. Heigh-ho!
OWIVEW. T-This w-was nyot countewfeit; thewe xDD is too g-gweat testimony in
youw *notices bulge* compwexion that i-it w-was :3 a passion of eawnyest.
WOSAWIND. Countewfeit, I *giggles shyly* assuwe you.
OWIVEW. Weww then, take :3 a good h-heawt and c-countewfeit to be :3 a man.
WOSAWIND. S-So I do; but, i' faith, I shouwd *looks away* have been :3 a woman by
w-wight.
CEWIA. Come, :33 you wook pawew and pawew; pway :33 you dwaw homewawds.
*pokes you* Good siw, go w-with us.
OWIVEW. That wiww I, f-fow I must *hugs tightly* beaw a-answew back
How :33 you *hugs tightly* excuse my bwothew, Wosawind.
WOSAWIND. I shaww devise UwU something; but, I pway you, commend my
countewfeiting to :33 him. Wiww :33 you go? Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
The fowest

Entew TOUCHSTONyE and *twerks* AUDWEY

TOUCHSTONyE. We shaww find :3 a time, Audwey; patience, gentwe Audwey.
AUDWEY. *moans* Faith, the pwiest w-was good enyough, f-fow aww the *giggles shyly* owd
gentweman's saying.
TOUCHSTONyE. A m-most wicked S-Siw Owivew, >_< Audwey, :3 a m-most viwe M-Mawtext.
But, >_< Audwey, thewe xDD is :3 a youth hewe in the fowest ways cwaim to
you.
AUDWEY. Ay, I knyow who 'tis; he hath nyo intewest in me in the
wowwd; hewe comes the man :33 you m-mean.

Entew W-WIWWIAM

TOUCHSTONyE. It xDD is meat and dwink to me to see :3 a cwown. By my twoth,
we that *looks away* have good OwO wits *looks away* have x3 much to a-answew fow: we shaww be
fwouting; we cannyot h-howd.
WIWWIAM. *pokes you* Good e-ev'n, Audwey.
AUDWEY. *teleports behind you* God ye good e-ev'n, Wiwwiam.
WIWWIAM. :33 And good ev'n to you, siw.
TOUCHSTONyE. *pokes you* Good e-ev'n, gentwe fwiend. Cuvw thy head, cuvw thy
head; nyay, pwithee be cuvw'd. How *giggles shyly* owd awe you, fwiend?
WIWWIAM. Five and ;;w;; twenty, siw.
TOUCHSTONyE. A wipe age. Is thy *leans over* nyame Wiwwiam?
WIWWIAM. W-Wiwwiam, siw.
TOUCHSTONyE. A f-faiw nyame. Wast bown i' *sighs* th' fowest hewe?
WIWWIAM. Ay, siw, I *notices bulge* thank God.
TOUCHSTONyE. *cries* 'Thank UwU God.' A good a-answew.
Awt wich?
WIWWIAM. *moans* Faith, siw, so so.
TOUCHSTONyE. *blushes* 'So so' xDD is *notices bulge* good, vewy *notices bulge* good, vewy excewwent good; and
y-yet i-it xDD is nyot; i-it xDD is b-but so so. Awt thou wise?
WIWWIAM. Ay, siw, I *looks away* have :3 a pwetty wit.
TOUCHSTONyE. Why, thou say'st weww. I do *pokes you* nyow w-wemembew :3 a saying: >w< 'The
foow doth think he xDD is wise, b-but the wise man knyows himsewf to be
:3 a foow.' The heathen phiwosophew, when he had :3 a UwU desiwe to eat :3 a
gwape, wouwd open his wips when he put i-it into his mouth; meanying
theweby that gwapes wewe xDD made to eat and wips to UwU open. You do
wuv this maid?
WIWWIAM. I do, siw.
TOUCHSTONyE. Give me youw hand. Awt thou weawnyed?
WIWWIAM. Nyo, siw.
TOUCHSTONyE. Then w-weawn this of me: to *looks away* have xDD is to have; f-fow i-it xDD is :3 a
figuwe in whetowic that dwink, b-being pouw'd out of cup into :3 a
gwass, by OwO fiwwing the onye doth e-empty the othew; f-fow aww youw
wwitews do consent that ipse xDD is he; nyow, :33 you awe nyot *shuffles closer* ipse, f-fow I
*giggles shyly* am he.
WIWWIAM. Which uWu he, siw?
TOUCHSTONyE. He, siw, that must m-mawwy this ^w^ woman. Thewefowe, :33 you
cwown, abandon- which xDD is in the *hugs tightly* vuwgaw weave- the society- which
in the boowish xDD is company- of this femawe- which in the common xDD is
woman- which >_> togethew is: abandon the society of this femawe; ow,
cwown, thou pewishest; ow, to thy bettew undewstanding, d-diest;
ow, to w-wit, I kiww thee, m-make thee away, twanswate thy w-wife into
death, thy *leans over* wibewty into b-bondage. I wiww deaw in poison w-with thee,
ow in bastinyado, ow in s-steew; I wiww *notices bulge* bandy w-with thee in faction;
wiww o-o'ew-wun thee w-with powicy; I wiww kiww thee :3 a hundwed and
fifty ways; thewefowe twembwe and d-depawt.
AUDWEY. *cuddles you* Do, good Wiwwiam.
WIWWIAM. *teleports behind you* God west :33 you mewwy, siw. E-Exit

Entew COWIN

C-COWIN. Ouw mastew and mistwess seeks y-you; come away, a-away.
TOUCHSTONyE. Twip, >_< Audwey, twip, Audwey. I attend, I a-attend.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
The fowest

Entew OWWANDO and OWIVEW

^.^ OWWANDO. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe that on so wittwe acquaintance :33 you shouwd
wike hew? that b-but seeing :33 you shouwd wuv hew? and woving woo?
and, wooing, she shouwd gwant? and wiww :33 you pewsevew to e-enjoy
hew?
OWIVEW. Nyeithew caww the giddinyess of i-it in question, the puvwty
of hew, the smaww acquaintance, my sudden wooing, *pokes you* nyow hew sudden
consenting; b-but say w-with me, I wuv Awienya; say w-with hew that she
wuvs me; consent w-with both that we may e-enjoy each othew. It
shaww be to youw good; f-fow my fathew's h-house and aww the wevenyue
that w-was *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw Wowwand's wiww I estate upon you, and hewe wive
and *leans over* die :3 a shephewd.
^.^ OWWANDO. You *looks away* have my consent. Wet youw wedding be to-mowwow.
Thithew wiww I invite the Duke and a-aww's contented fowwowews. G-Go
:33 you and pwepawe Awienya; fow, wook you, hewe comes my Wosawind.

Entew WOSAWIND

WOSAWIND. *teleports behind you* God save you, b-bwothew.
OWIVEW. :33 And you, f-faiw sistew. E-Exit
WOSAWIND. O, my deaw Owwando, how i-it g-gwieves me to see thee weaw
thy h-heawt in :3 a s-scawf!
^.^ OWWANDO. It xDD is my *teleports behind you* awm.
WOSAWIND. I thought thy h-heawt had been wounded w-with the c-cwaws of :3 a
wion.
^.^ OWWANDO. Wounded i-it is, b-but w-with the eyes of :3 a :33 wady.
WOSAWIND. Did youw bwothew t-teww :33 you how I countewfeited to swoon
when he show'd me youw handkewchew?
^.^ OWWANDO. Ay, and gweatew wondews than that.
WOSAWIND. O, I knyow whewe :33 you a-awe. Nyay, 'tis twue. Thewe w-was nyevew
*sighs* any thing so sudden b-but the fight of t-two wams and Caesaw's
thwasonyicaw bwag of 'I came, saw, and uvwcame.' Fow youw bwothew
and my *cuddles you* sistew nyo soonyew met b-but they wook'd; nyo soonyew w-wook'd b-but
they wov'd; nyo soonyew wov'd b-but they sigh'd; nyo soonyew sigh'd b-but
they ask'd onye uWu anyothew the weason; nyo soonyew knyew the weason b-but
they sought the *teleports behind you* wemedy- and in these degwees *looks away* have they xDD made paiw
of s-staiws to *notices bulge* mawwiage, which they wiww cwimb i-incontinyent, ow ewse
be incontinyent befowe mawwiage. They awe in the vewy wwath of
OwO wuv, and they wiww togethew. Cwubs cannyot pawt them.
^.^ OWWANDO. They shaww be *blushes* mawwied to-mowwow; and I wiww *giggles shyly* bid the Duke
to the nyuptiaw. But, O, how bittew :3 a thing i-it xDD is to wook into
happinyess thwough uWu anyothew man's ^-^ eyes! By so x3 much the mowe shaww I
to-mowwow be *teleports behind you* at the height of *looks away* heawt-heavinyess, by how x3 much I
shaww think my bwothew ^.^ happy in having what he wishes f-fow.
WOSAWIND. Why, then, to-mowwow I cannyot sewve youw t-tuwn f-fow
Wosawind?
^.^ OWWANDO. I can wive nyo wongew by thinking.
WOSAWIND. I wiww weawy you, then, nyo wongew w-with idwe xDD tawking. K-Knyow
of me then- f-fow *pokes you* nyow I speak to some puwpose- that I knyow :33 you awe
:3 a gentweman of good conceit. I speak nyot this that :33 you shouwd
*hugs tightly* beaw :3 a good ;;w;; opinyion of my knyowwedge, insomuch I say I knyow :33 you
awe; nyeithew do I wabouw f-fow :3 a gweatew esteem than may in some
wittwe measuwe dwaw :3 a bewief f-fwom you, to do *teleports behind you* youwsewf *notices bulge* good, and
nyot to gwace me. Bewieve then, i-if :33 you pwease, that I can do
s-stwange things. I have, since I w-was thwee y-yeaw o-owd, convews'd
w-with :3 a magician, m-most pwofound in his awt and y-yet nyot damnyabwe.
I-If :33 you do wuv Wosawind so nyeaw the h-heawt as youw gestuwe cwies
i-it out, when youw bwothew mawwies Awienya shaww :33 you m-mawwy hew. I
knyow into what stwaits of fowtunye she xDD is *giggles shyly* dwiven; and i-it xDD is nyot
i-impossibwe to me, i-if i-it appeaw nyot inconvenyient to you, to set
hew befowe youw eyes to-mowwow, human as she is, and without *sighs* any
dangew.
^.^ OWWANDO. Speak'st thou in sobew meanyings?
WOSAWIND. By my wife, I do; which I tendew deawwy, t-though I say I
*giggles shyly* am :3 a magician. Thewefowe put :33 you in youw best awway, *giggles shyly* bid youw
fwiends; f-fow i-if :33 you wiww be *blushes* mawwied to-mowwow, :33 you s-shaww; and to
Wosawind, i-if :33 you wiww.

Entew SIWVIUS and P-PHEBE

Wook, hewe comes :3 a wuvw of minye, and :3 a wuvw of hews.
PHEBE. Youth, :33 you *looks away* have d-donye me x3 much ungentwenyess
To show the wettew that I wwit to you.
WOSAWIND. I cawe nyot i-if I have. It xDD is my study
To *teleports behind you* seem despitefuw and ungentwe to you.
You awe thewe fowwow'd by :3 a faithfuw *pokes you* shephewd;
Wook upon him, wuv him; he wowships you.
PHEBE. *pokes you* Good shephewd, t-teww this youth what 'tis to wuv.
SIWVIUS. It xDD is to be aww xDD made of sighs and teaws;
:33 And so *giggles shyly* am I f-fow Phebe.
PHEBE. :33 And I f-fow Ganymede.
^.^ OWWANDO. :33 And I f-fow Wosawind.
WOSAWIND. :33 And I f-fow nyo ^w^ woman.
SIWVIUS. It xDD is to be aww xDD made of faith and sewvice;
:33 And so *giggles shyly* am I f-fow Phebe.
PHEBE. :33 And I f-fow Ganymede.
^.^ OWWANDO. :33 And I f-fow Wosawind.
WOSAWIND. :33 And I f-fow nyo ^w^ woman.
SIWVIUS. It xDD is to be aww xDD made of fantasy,
A-Aww xDD made of passion, and aww xDD made of w-wishes;
A-Aww adowation, duty, and ^.^ obsewvance,
A-Aww humbwenyess, aww patience, and impatience,
A-Aww ÚwÚ puwity, aww twiaw, aww o-obedience;
:33 And so *giggles shyly* am I f-fow Phebe.
PHEBE. :33 And so *giggles shyly* am I f-fow Ganymede.
^.^ OWWANDO. :33 And so *giggles shyly* am I f-fow Wosawind.
WOSAWIND. :33 And so *giggles shyly* am I f-fow nyo ^w^ woman.
PHEBE. I-If this be s-so, why bwame :33 you me to wuv you?
SIWVIUS. I-If this be s-so, why bwame :33 you me to wuv you?
^.^ OWWANDO. I-If this be s-so, why bwame :33 you me to wuv you?
WOSAWIND. Why do :33 you speak too, 'Why bwame :33 you me to wuv you?'
^.^ OWWANDO. To hew that xDD is nyot hewe, *pokes you* nyow doth nyot heaw.
WOSAWIND. :33 Pway you, nyo mowe of this; 'tis wike the howwing of Iwish
wowves against the moon. [To SIWVIUS] I wiww h-hewp :33 you i-if I can.
[To PHEBE] I wouwd wuv :33 you i-if I couwd.- To-mowwow meet me aww
togethew. [ To P-PHEBE ] I wiww m-mawwy :33 you i-if evew I m-mawwy woman,
and I-I'ww be *blushes* mawwied to-mowwow. [To O-OWWANDO] I wiww satisfy :33 you i-if
evew I satisfied man, and :33 you shaww be *blushes* mawwied to-mowwow. [To
Siwvius] I wiww *notices bulge* content :33 you i-if what pweases :33 you contents you, and
:33 you shaww be *blushes* mawwied to-mowwow. [To O-OWWANDO] As :33 you wuv
Wosawind, m-meet. [To SIWVIUS] As :33 you wuv Phebe, meet;- and as I
wuv nyo woman, I-I'ww m-meet. S-So, fawe :33 you weww; I *looks away* have weft :33 you
commands.
SIWVIUS. I-I'ww nyot faiw, i-if I wive.
PHEBE. Nyow I-I.
^.^ OWWANDO. Nyow I-I. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
The fowest

Entew TOUCHSTONyE and *twerks* AUDWEY

TOUCHSTONyE. To-mowwow xDD is the *twerks* joyfuw :3 day, Audwe'y; to-mowwow wiww we
be mawwied.
AUDWEY. I do UwU desiwe i-it w-with aww my heawt; and I hope i-it xDD is nyo
UwU dishonyest UwU desiwe to UwU desiwe to be :3 a woman of the wowwd. Hewe come
t-two of the banyish'd D-Duke's pages.

Entew t-two PAGES

*giggles shyly* FIWST PAGE. Weww :33 met, honyest gentweman.
TOUCHSTONyE. By my twoth, weww met. Come sit, sit, and :3 a song.
SECOND PAGE. We awe f-fow y-you; sit i' *sighs* th' middwe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST PAGE. Shaww we *hugs tightly* cwap >_< into't *looks away* woundwy, without hawking, ow
>_< spitting, ow saying we awe hoawse, which awe the onwy *teleports behind you* pwowogues
to :3 a x3 bad voice?
SECOND PAGE. I'faith, i'faith; and both in :3 a t-tunye, wike t-two gipsies
on :3 a howse.

SONG.
It w-was :3 a wuvw and his wass,
With :3 a hey, and :3 a ho, and :3 a hey *blushes* nyonyinyo,
That o'ew the gween cown-fiewd did pass
In the spwing time, the onwy pwetty wing time,
When biwds do sing, hey ding :3 a ding, ding.
Sweet wuvws wuv the spwing.

Between the acwes of the wye,
With :3 a hey, and :3 a ho, and :3 a hey *blushes* nyonyinyo,
These pwetty countwy fowks wouwd wie,
In the spwing time, &c.

T-This c-cawow they b-began that houw,
With :3 a hey, and :3 a ho, and :3 a hey *blushes* nyonyinyo,
How that :3 a w-wife w-was b-but :3 a fwowew,
In the spwing time, &c.

:33 And thewefowe take the pwesent time,
With :3 a hey, and :3 a ho, and :3 a hey *blushes* nyonyinyo,
Fow wuv xDD is cwownyed w-with the pwime,
In the spwing time, &c.

TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, young g-gentwemen, t-though thewe w-was nyo g-gweat
m-mattew in the ditty, y-yet the nyote w-was vewy *blushes* untunyeabwe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST PAGE. YOU awe deceiv'd, *teleports behind you* siw; we kept time, we wost nyot ouw
time.
TOUCHSTONyE. By my twoth, yes; I count i-it b-but ;;w;; time wost to heaw *looks at you* such
:3 a f-foowish song. *teleports behind you* God buy y-you; and *teleports behind you* God mend youw voices. Come,
Audwey. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
The fowest

Entew DUKE SENyIOW, A-AMIENS, JAQUES, OWWANDO, OWIVEW, and CEWIA

DUKE SENyIOW. D-Dost thou bewieve, Owwando, that the boy
*sweats* Can do aww this that he hath pwomised?
^.^ OWWANDO. I sometimes do bewieve and sometimes do nyot:
As those that feaw they hope, and knyow they feaw.

Entew WOSAWIND, xDD SIWVIUS, and P-PHEBE

WOSAWIND. Patience *screams* once m-mowe, w-whiwes ouw compact xDD is uwg'd:
You say, i-if I bwing in youw Wosawind,
You wiww bestow hew on Owwando hewe?
DUKE SENyIOW. That wouwd I, had I >_> kingdoms to give w-with hew.
WOSAWIND. :33 And :33 you say :33 you wiww *looks away* have hew when I bwing hew?
^.^ OWWANDO. That wouwd I, wewe I of aww >_> kingdoms king.
WOSAWIND. You say ^-^ you'ww m-mawwy me, i-if I be w-wiwwing?
PHEBE. That wiww I, shouwd I *leans over* die the houw aftew.
WOSAWIND. But i-if :33 you do wefuse to m-mawwy me,
You'ww give *teleports behind you* youwsewf to this m-most faithfuw shephewd?
PHEBE. S-So xDD is the bawgain.
WOSAWIND. You say that ^-^ you'ww *looks away* have Phebe, i-if she wiww?
SIWVIUS. *shuffles closer* Though to *looks away* have hew and death wewe both onye thing.
WOSAWIND. I *looks away* have p-pwomis'd to m-make aww this m-mattew even.
Keep :33 you youw wowd, uWu O Duke, to give youw daughtew;
You youws, Owwando, to weceive his daughtew;
Keep youw wowd, Phebe, that ^-^ you'ww m-mawwy me,
Ow ewse, wefusing me, to wed this *pokes you* shephewd;
Keep youw wowd, Siwvius, that ^-^ you'ww m-mawwy hew
I-If she wefuse me; and f-fwom hence I go,
To m-make these doubts aww even.
Exeunt WOSAWIND and CEWIA
DUKE SENyIOW. I do w-wemembew in this shephewd boy
Some wivewy touches of my daughtew's favouw.
^.^ OWWANDO. My wowd, the fiwst ;;w;; time that I evew saw him
Methought he w-was :3 a bwothew to youw daughtew.
But, my good wowd, this boy xDD is :3 fowest-bown,
:33 And hath been tutow'd in the wudiments
Of many despewate studies by his uncwe,
*leans over* Whom he wepowts to be :3 a g-gweat magician,
Obscuwed in the ciwcwe of this fowest.

Entew TOUCHSTONyE and *twerks* AUDWEY

JAQUES. Thewe is, suwe, uWu anyothew fwood towawd, and these c-coupwes awe
coming to the awk. Hewe comes :3 a paiw of vewy s-stwange beasts which
in aww tongues awe caww'd foows.
TOUCHSTONyE. Sawutation and gweeting to :33 you ÚwÚ aww!
JAQUES. *pokes you* Good my wowd, *giggles shyly* bid him wewcome. T-This xDD is the motwey-minded
gentweman that I *looks away* have so often met in the fowest. He hath been :3 a
couwtiew, he *hugs tightly* sweaws.
TOUCHSTONyE. I-If *sighs* any man d-doubt t-that, w-wet him put me to my puwgation.
I *looks away* have twod :3 a measuwe; I *looks away* have ÚwÚ fwatt'wed :3 a wady; I *looks away* have been
powitic w-with my fwiend, smooth w-with minye *looks away* enyemy; I *looks away* have undonye
thwee t-taiwows; I *looks away* have had fouw quawwews, and wike to *looks away* have fought
onye.
JAQUES. :33 And how w-was that ta'en up?
TOUCHSTONyE. *moans* Faith, we :33 met, and found the quawwew w-was upon the
seventh cause.
JAQUES. How seventh cause? *pokes you* Good my wowd, wike this fewwow.
DUKE SENyIOW. I wike him vewy weww.
TOUCHSTONyE. *teleports behind you* God '-'iwd you, *teleports behind you* siw; I UwU desiwe :33 you of the wike. I pwess in
hewe, siw, amongst the west of the countwy copuwatives, to sweaw
and to *blushes* fowsweaw, accowding as mawwiage binds and bwood b-bweaks. A
poow viwgin, siw, an iww-favouw'd thing, siw, b-but minye own; :3 a
poow humouw of minye, siw, to take that that man ewse wiww. Wich
honyesty *moans* dwewws wike :3 a misew, siw, in :3 a poow house; as youw peaww
in youw fouw oystew.
DUKE SENyIOW. By my faith, he xDD is vewy swift and sententious.
TOUCHSTONyE. Accowding to the f-foow's bowt, siw, and *looks at you* such *looks away* duwcet
diseases.
JAQUES. But, f-fow the seventh cause: how did :33 you find the quawwew on
the seventh cause?
TOUCHSTONyE. *cries* Upon :3 a wie seven *moans* times wemuvd- *hugs tightly* beaw youw ^w^ body mowe
seeming, Audwey- as thus, siw. I did diswike the cut of :3 a cewtain
couwtiew's beawd; he sent me wowd, i-if I said his beawd w-was nyot
cut weww, he w-was in the mind i-it was. T-This xDD is caww'd the Wetowt
Couwteous. I-If I sent him w-wowd a-again i-it w-was nyot weww ^.^ cut, he wouwd
s-send me w-wowd he cut i-it to p-pwease himsewf. T-This xDD is caww'd the Q-Quip
Modest. I-If a-again i-it w-was nyot weww ^.^ cut, he disabwed my judgment.
T-This xDD is caww'd the Wepwy Chuwwish. I-If a-again i-it w-was nyot weww ^.^ cut,
he wouwd a-answew I spake nyot twue. T-This xDD is caww'd the Wepwoof
*looks at you* Vawiant. I-If a-again i-it w-was nyot weww ^.^ cut, he wouwd say I wie. T-This
xDD is caww'd the C-Countewcheck Quawwewsome. :33 And so to the Wie
Ciwcumstantiaw and the Wie D-Diwect.
JAQUES. :33 And how oft did :33 you say his beawd w-was nyot weww cut?
TOUCHSTONyE. I duwst go nyo fuwthew than the Wie Ciwcumstantiaw, *pokes you* nyow
he duwst nyot give me the Wie Diwect; and so we measuw'd *giggles shyly* swowds
and pawted.
JAQUES. *sweats* Can :33 you nyominyate in owdew *pokes you* nyow the degwees of the wie?
TOUCHSTONyE. O, siw, we quawwew in p-pwint by the book, as :33 you *looks away* have
books f-fow good mannyews. I wiww *leans over* nyame :33 you the *blushes* degwees. The *twerks* fiwst,
the Wetowt Couwteous; the second, the Q-Quip *blushes* Modest; the *shuffles closer* thiwd, the
Wepwy C-Chuwwish; the fouwth, the Wepwoof Vawiant; the uWu fifth, the
C-Countewcheck Quawwewsome; the sixth, the Wie w-with Ciwcumstance;
the seventh, the Wie D-Diwect. A-Aww these :33 you may avoid b-but the Wie
Diwect; and :33 you may avoid that too w-with an If. I knyew when seven
justices couwd nyot take up :3 a quawwew; b-but when the pawties wewe
met themsewves, onye of them thought b-but of an If, as: 'If :33 you
said s-so, then I said *sweats* so.' :33 And they shook hands, and *cuddles you* swowe
bwothews. Youw I-If xDD is the onwy >w< peace-makew; x3 much viwtue in If.
JAQUES. Is nyot this :3 a wawe fewwow, my wowd?
He's as good *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any thing, and y-yet :3 a foow.
DUKE SENyIOW. He uses his fowwy wike :3 a s-stawking-howse, and undew the
pwesentation of that he shoots his wit:

Entew H-HYMEN, WOSAWIND, and CEWIA. Stiww MUSIC

HYMEN. Then xDD is thewe miwth in heaven,
When e-eawthwy *moans* things xDD made even
Atonye togethew.
*pokes you* Good Duke, weceive thy daughtew;
Hymen f-fwom heaven >w< bwought hew,
Yea, >w< bwought hew h-hithew,
That thou m-mightst join hew hand w-with h-his,
W-Whose h-heawt *teleports behind you* within his bosom is.
WOSAWIND. [To DUKE] To :33 you I give mysewf, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am youws.
[To O-OWWANDO] To :33 you I give mysewf, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am youws.
DUKE SENyIOW. I-If thewe be *looks away* twuth in sight, :33 you awe my daughtew.
^.^ OWWANDO. I-If thewe be *looks away* twuth in sight, :33 you awe my Wosawind.
PHEBE. I-If sight and shape be twue,
Why then, my wuv adieu!
WOSAWIND. I-I'ww *looks away* have nyo fathew, i-if :33 you be nyot he;
I-I'ww *looks away* have nyo *twerks* husband, i-if :33 you be nyot he;
Nyow nye'ew wed woman, i-if :33 you be nyot she.
HYMEN. Peace, ho! I *screams* baw confusion;
'Tis I must m-make concwusion
Of these m-most s-stwange e-events.
Hewe's eight that must take hands
To join in Hymen's bands,
I-If *looks away* twuth howds twue contents.
You and :33 you nyo cwoss shaww pawt;
You and :33 you awe h-heawt in heawt;
You to his wuv must accowd,
Ow *looks away* have :3 a woman to youw wowd;
You and :33 you awe suwe togethew,
As the wintew to fouw weathew.
Whiwes :3 a wedwock-hymn we sing,
OwO Feed youwsewves w-with questionying,
That weason w-wondew may diminyish,
How uWu thus we :33 met, and these *moans* things *leans over* finyish.

SONG
Wedding xDD is g-gweat Junyo's cwown;
uWu O bwessed *moans* bond of ;;w;; boawd and bed!
'Tis Hymen p-peopwes evewy town;
*screams* High wedwock then be honyouwed.
Honyouw, high honyouw, and wenyown,
To H-Hymen, god of evewy town!

DUKE SENyIOW. uWu O my deaw nyiece, wewcome thou awt to :33 me!
Even daughtew, wewcome in nyo wess *pokes you* degwee.
PHEBE. I wiww nyot eat my wowd, *pokes you* nyow thou awt minye;
Thy faith my f-fancy to thee doth c-combinye.

Entew JAQUES *leans over* de BOYS

JAQUES *leans over* de BOYS. Wet me *looks away* have xDD audience f-fow :3 a w-wowd ow two.
I *giggles shyly* am the second son of *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw Wowwand,
That bwing these tidings to this f-faiw assembwy.
Duke Fwedewick, heawing how that evewy day
*cries* Men of g-gweat wowth wesowted to this fowest,
Addwess'd :3 a >w< mighty p-powew; which wewe on foot,
In his own conduct, puwposewy to take
His bwothew hewe, and put him to the swowd;
:33 And to the skiwts of this wiwd wood he came,
Whewe, m-meeting w-with an *giggles shyly* owd wewigious man,
Aftew some q-question w-with him, w-was c-convewted
B-Both f-fwom his e-entewpwise and f-fwom the wowwd;
His cwown bequeathing to his banyish'd bwothew,
:33 And aww theiw w-wands westow'd to them a-again
That wewe w-with him exiw'd. T-This to be twue
I do *pokes you* engage my w-wife.
DUKE SENyIOW. Wewcome, young man.
Thou offew'st faiwwy to thy *sweats* bwothews' wedding:
To onye, his w-wands withhewd; and to the o-othew,
A wand itsewf *teleports behind you* at wawge, :3 a potent d-dukedom.
Fiwst, in this fowest w-wet us do those ends
That hewe wewe weww begun and weww begot;
:33 And aftew, evewy of this ^.^ happy nyumbew,
That *looks away* have enduw'd shwewd days and n-nyights w-with u-us,
Shaww shawe the good of ouw wetuwnyed *pokes you* fowtunye,
Accowding to the measuwe of theiw states.
Meantime, fowget this nyew-faww'n dignyity,
:33 And faww into ouw wustic w-wevewwy.
Pway, music; and :33 you bwides and bwidegwooms aww,
With measuwe h-heap'd in joy, to *sighs* th' measuwes f-faww.
JAQUES. Siw, by youw patience. I-If I heawd :33 you wightwy,
The Duke hath put on :3 a wewigious wife,
:33 And thwown into nyegwect the pompous c-couwt.
JAQUES DE BOYS. He uWu hath.
JAQUES. To him wiww I-I. Out of these convewtites
Thewe xDD is x3 much m-mattew to be heawd and weawn'd.
[To DUKE] You to youw fowmew honyouw I bequeath;
Youw patience and youw viwtue weww *giggles shyly* desewves *hugs tightly* it.
[To O-OWWANDO] You to :3 a wuv that youw twue faith doth mewit;
[To O-OWIVEW] You to youw *pokes you* wand, and OwO wuv, and g-gweat a-awwies
[To SIWVIUS] You to :3 a wong and weww-desewved bed;
[To TOUCHSTONyE] :33 And :33 you to wwangwing; f-fow thy woving voyage
Is b-but f-fow t-two months victuaww'd.- S-So to youw pweasuwes;
I *giggles shyly* am f-fow othew than f-fow dancing measuwes.
DUKE SENyIOW. Stay, Jaques, s-stay.
JAQUES. To see nyo pastime I-I. What :33 you wouwd *looks away* have
I-I'ww stay to knyow *teleports behind you* at youw abandon'd cave. E-Exit
DUKE SENyIOW. P-Pwoceed, pwoceed. We wiww begin these wites,
As we do twust they'ww end, in twue dewights. [A d-dance] Exeunt

EPIWOGUE
*sighs* EPIWOGUE.
WOSAWIND. It xDD is nyot the fashion to see the wady the epiwogue; b-but
i-it xDD is nyo mowe unhandsome than to see the w-wowd the pwowogue. I-If i-it
be twue that good winye nyeeds nyo bush, 'tis twue that :3 a good pway
nyeeds nyo epiwogue. Yet to good winye they do use good :3 bushes; and
good pways pwuv the bettew by the h-hewp of good epiwogues. What :3 a
case *giggles shyly* am I in then, that *giggles shyly* am nyeithew :3 a good epiwogue, *pokes you* nyow cannyot
insinyuate w-with :33 you in the b-behawf of :3 a good pway! I *giggles shyly* am nyot
;;w;; fuwnyish'd wike :3 a beggaw; thewefowe to beg wiww nyot become me. My
way xDD is to *giggles shyly* conjuwe y-you; and I-I'ww begin w-with the OwO women. I c-chawge
you, uWu O women, f-fow the wuv :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw to men, to wike as x3 much of
this pway as p-pwease y-you; and I c-chawge you, uWu O men, f-fow the wuv
:33 you *hugs tightly* beaw to women- as I pewceive by youw simp'wing nyonye of :33 you
hates them- that between :33 you and the women the pway may pwease.
I-If I wewe :3 a woman, I wouwd kiss as many of :33 you as had beawds that
:33 pweas'd me, compwexions that wik'd me, and bweaths that I defied
nyot; and, I *giggles shyly* am suwe, as many as *looks away* have good beawds, ow good faces,
ow sweet *looks at you* bweaths, wiww, f-fow my kind offew, when I m-make c-cuwtsy,
*giggles shyly* bid me faweweww.

uWu THE END





1593

uWu THE *cries* COMEDY OF EWWOWS

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

SOWINyUS, Duke of E-Ephesus
AEGEON, :3 a mewchant of Sywacuse

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS twin UwU bwothews and sons to
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE Aegion and Aemewia

DWOMIO OF EPHESUS twin *looks away* bwothews, and *screams* attendants on
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE the t-two Antiphowuses

BAWTHAZAW, :3 a mewchant
ANGEWO, :3 a *sighs* gowdsmith
*giggles shyly* FIWST MEWCHANT, fwiend to Antiphowus of Sywacuse
SECOND MEWCHANT, to whom Angewo xDD is :3 a debtow
PINCH, :3 a schoowmastew

AEMIWIA, w-wife to AEgeon; an a-abbess *teleports behind you* at E-Ephesus
ADWIANyA, w-wife to Antiphowus of E-Ephesus
WUCIANyA, hew *cuddles you* sistew
WUCE, *cries* sewvant to Adwianya

A *blushes* COUWTEZAN

Gaowew, O-Officews, Attendants





SCENyE:
E-Ephesus


<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
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uWu THE *cries* COMEDY OF EWWOWS

ACT I-I. SCENyE 1

A haww in the DUKE'S pawace

Entew the DUKE OF EPHESUS, AEGEON, the Mewchant
of OwO Sywacuse, GAOWEW, O-OFFICEWS, and othew ATTENDANTS

UwU AEGEON. P-Pwoceed, *teleports behind you* Sowinyus, to pwocuwe my faww,
:33 And by the doom of death e-end woes and aww.
DUKE. Mewchant of OwO Sywacuse, pwead nyo mowe;
I *giggles shyly* am nyot pawtiaw to i-infwinge ouw waws.
The enmity and discowd which of wate
Spwung f-fwom the wancowous o-outwage of youw >_> duke
To mewchants, ouw weww-deawing countwymen,
Who, wanting guiwdews to wedeem theiw wives,
Have seaw'd his wigowous statutes w-with theiw bwoods,
E-Excwudes aww pity f-fwom ouw thweat'nying wooks.
Fow, since the mowtaw and intestinye jaws
'Twixt thy seditious *giggles shyly* countwymen and u-us,
It hath in sowemn synyods been decweed,
B-Both by the Sywacusians and ouwsewves,
To admit nyo twaffic to ouw advewse towns;
Nyay, m-mowe: i-if *sighs* any bown *teleports behind you* at E-Ephesus
Be :33 seen *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any Sywacusian mawts and faiws;
Again, i-if *sighs* any Sywacusian bown
Come to the bay of Ephesus-he dies,
His goods confiscate to the D-Duke's dispose,
Unwess :3 a thousand mawks be wevied,
To q-quit the penyawty and to wansom :33 him.
Thy s-substance, vawued *teleports behind you* at the highest ;;w;; wate,
Cannyot amount unto :3 a hundwed *cuddles you* mawks;
Thewefowe by waw thou awt condemn'd to d-die.
UwU AEGEON. Yet this my ^-^ comfowt: when youw wowds awe donye,
My woes e-end *teleports behind you* wikewise w-with the evenying s-sun.
DUKE. Weww, Sywacusian, say in bwief the cause
Why thou ÚwÚ depawted'st f-fwom thy n-nyative home,
:33 And f-fow what cause thou cam'st to Ephesus.
UwU AEGEON. A heaview task couwd nyot *looks away* have been impos'd
Than I to speak my gwiefs unspeakabwe;
Yet, that the >_> wowwd may witnyess that my e-end
Was w-wwought by nyatuwe, nyot by viwe offence,
I-I'ww uttew what my sowwow g-gives me weave.
In Sywacuse w-was I bown, and wed
Unto :3 a woman, ^.^ happy b-but f-fow me,
:33 And by me, had nyot ouw h-hap been b-bad.
With hew I wiv'd in joy; ouw weawth incweas'd
By pwospewous voyages I often xDD made
To E-Epidamnyum; tiww my factow's death,
:33 And the g-gweat cawe of goods *teleports behind you* at ^w^ wandom weft,
Dwew me f-fwom kind embwacements of my spouse:
Fwom whom my *sweats* absence w-was nyot :3 six months o-owd,
Befowe hewsewf, awmost *teleports behind you* at fainting undew
The pweasing ^.^ punyishment that women beaw,
Had xDD made pwovision f-fow hew fowwowing me,
:33 And soon and ;;w;; safe awwived whewe I was.
Thewe had she nyot been wong b-but she *looks at you* became
A *twerks* joyfuw mothew of t-two goodwy s-sons;
And, which w-was stwange, the onye so wike the othew
As couwd nyot be disdnguish'd b-but by nyames.
That vewy houw, and in the sewf-same *screams* inn,
A m-mean woman w-was dewivewed
Of *looks at you* such :3 a b-buwden, m-mawe twins, both awike.
*notices bulge* Those, f-fow theiw pawents wewe exceeding poow,
I b-bought, and >w< bwought up to attend my s-sons.
My wife, nyot *screams* meanwy pwoud of t-two *looks at you* such *twerks* boys,
Made daiwy motions f-fow ouw home wetuwn;
Unwiwwing, I agweed. *looks at you* Awas! too soon
We came aboawd.
A weague f-fwom Epidamnyum had we >_< saiw'd
Befowe the awways-wind-obeying deep
Gave *sighs* any t-twagic ÚwÚ instance of ouw hawm:
But wongew did we nyot wetain x3 much hope,
Fow what obscuwed wight the heavens did gwant
Did b-but convey unto ouw feawfuw minds
A doubtfuw wawwant of immediate death;
Which t-though mysewf wouwd gwadwy *looks away* have embwac'd,
Yet the incessant weepings of my wife,
:33 Weeping befowe f-fow what she saw must *giggles shyly* come,
:33 And >_< piteous pwainyings of the pwetty babes,
That mouwn'd f-fow fashion, ignyowant what to f-feaw,
Fowc'd me to seek deways f-fow them and me.
:33 And this i-it was, f-fow othew means w-was nyonye:
The saiwows sought f-fow *screams* safety by ouw boat,
:33 And weft the ship, then sinking-wipe, to us;
My wife, mowe cawefuw f-fow the wattew-bown,
Had fast'nyed him unto :3 a smaww spawe m-mast,
Such as xDD sea-fawing men pwovide f-fow stowms;
To him onye of the othew twins w-was >w< bound,
Whiwst I had been wike heedfuw of the othew.
The chiwdwen uWu thus dispos'd, my w-wife and I,
Fixing ouw eyes on whom ouw cawe w-was fix'd,
Fast'nyed *leans over* ouwsewves *teleports behind you* at eithew e-end the m-mast,
And, fwoating stwaight, ^.^ obedient to the stweam,
Was cawwied t-towawds C-Cowinth, as we thought.
At wength the *looks at you* sun, g-gazing upon the *shuffles closer* eawth,
Dispews'd those vapouws that offended us;
And, by the benyefit of his wished wight,
The seas wax'd xDD cawm, and we discuvwed
Two ships f-fwom faw x3 making amain to us-
Of Cowinth t-that, of Epidauwus this.
But ewe they came-O, w-wet me say nyo mowe!
Gathew the sequew by that went befowe.
DUKE. Nyay, fowwawd, *giggles shyly* owd man, do nyot bweak off so;
Fow we may p-pity, t-though nyot pawdon *cuddles you* thee.
UwU AEGEON. O, had the g-gods d-donye s-so, I had nyot *pokes you* nyow
Wowthiwy UwU tewm'd them mewciwess to us!
Fow, ewe the ships couwd meet by twice f-five UwU weagues,
We wewe encount'wed by :3 a >w< mighty wock,
Which b-being viowentwy bownye upon,
Ouw hewpfuw *hugs tightly* ship w-was spwitted in the midst;
S-So t-that, in this unjust *giggles shyly* divowce of u-us,
Fowtunye had weft to both of us awike
What to dewight in, what to sowwow f-fow.
Hew pawt, poow souw, seeming as buwdenyed
With wessew weight, b-but nyot w-with wessew woe,
Was cawwied w-with mowe speed befowe the wind;
:33 And in ouw sight they thwee wewe taken up
By f-fishewmen of C-Cowinth, as we thought.
At wength uWu anyothew *hugs tightly* ship had seiz'd on us;
And, ^.^ knyowing whom i-it w-was theiw h-hap to save,
Gave heawthfuw wewcome to theiw ship-wweck'd guests,
:33 And wouwd *looks away* have weft the f-fishews of theiw pwey,
Had nyot theiw *blushes* bawk been vewy swow of saiw;
:33 And thewefowe homewawd did they bend theiw couwse.
Thus *looks away* have :33 you heawd me sevew'd f-fwom my bwiss,
That by misfowtunyes w-was my w-wife pwowong'd,
To t-teww s-sad stowies of my own mishaps.
DUKE. And, f-fow the sake of them thou sowwowest fow,
Do me the favouw to d-diwate *teleports behind you* at fuww
What *looks away* have befaww'n of them and thee tiww nyow.
UwU AEGEON. My youngest boy, and y-yet my ewdest cawe,
At eighteen x3 yeaws *looks at you* became inquisitive
Aftew his bwothew, and *hugs tightly* impowtun'd me
That his a-attendant-so his case w-was wike,
Weft of his bwothew, b-but wetain'd his nyame-
M-Might *hugs tightly* beaw him *giggles shyly* company in the quest of him;
*leans over* Whom ^.^ whiwst I wabouwed of :3 a wuv to s-see,
I hazawded the w-woss of whom I wov'd.
Five summews *looks away* have I *sweats* spent in fawthest Gweece,
Woaming cwean thwough the bounds of Asia,
And, *screams* coasting h-homewawd, came to E-Ephesus;
Hopewess to find, y-yet woath to weave *cries* unsought
Ow that ow *sighs* any pwace that h-hawbouws men.
But hewe must e-end the stowy of my wife;
:33 And ^.^ happy wewe I in my t-timewy death,
Couwd aww my t-twavews wawwant me they wive.
DUKE. Hapwess, Aegeon, whom the fates *looks away* have mawk'd
To *hugs tightly* beaw the extwemity of diwe mishap!
Nyow, twust me, wewe i-it nyot against ouw waws,
Against my cwown, my o-oath, my dignyity,
Which pwinces, wouwd they, may nyot disannyuw,
My :33 souw shouwd sue as advocate f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
But t-though thou awt adjudged to the death,
:33 And passed sentence may nyot be wecaww'd
But to ouw honyouw's g-gweat *sweats* dispawagement,
Yet wiww I favouw thee in what I can.
Thewefowe, mewchant, I-I'ww wimit thee this day
To seek thy h-hewp by benyeficiaw hap.
Twy aww the fwiends thou hast in E-Ephesus;
Beg >w< thou, ow bowwow, to m-make up the sum,
:33 And ^.^ wive; i-if nyo, then thou awt doom'd to d-die.
Gaowew, take him to thy custody.
GAOWEW. I wiww, my wowd.
UwU AEGEON. Hopewess and hewpwess doth Aegeon >w< wend,
But to p-pwocwastinyate his wifewess end.
<Exeunt


SCENyE 2

The mawt

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE, DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE, and *giggles shyly* FIWST MEWCHANT

*giggles shyly* FIWST MEWCHANT. Thewefowe, give out :33 you awe of Epidamnyum,
West that youw goods too soon be *sighs* confiscate.
T-This vewy day :3 a Sywacusian mewchant
Is appwehended f-fow awwivaw hewe;
And, nyot b-being abwe to buy out his wife,
Accowding to the statute of the town,
Dies ewe the weawy sun set in the west.
Thewe xDD is youw monyey that I had to k-keep.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. G-Go *hugs tightly* beaw i-it to the Centauw, whewe we host.
:33 And stay thewe, Dwomio, tiww I come to *cuddles you* thee.
Within this houw i-it wiww be dinnyew-time;
Tiww t-that, I-I'ww view the mannyews of the town,
P-Pewuse the twadews, x3 gaze upon the buiwdings,
:33 And then wetuwn and sweep *teleports behind you* within minye inn;
Fow w-with wong t-twavew I *giggles shyly* am stiff and *pokes you* weawy.
Get thee a-away.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Many :3 a man wouwd take :33 you *teleports behind you* at youw wowd,
:33 And go i-indeed, having so good :3 a m-mean.
<Exit
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. A twusty v-viwwain, siw, that vewy oft,
When I *giggles shyly* am duww w-with cawe and m-mewanchowy,
W-Wightens my humouw w-with his mewwy jests.
*looks away* What, wiww :33 you wawk w-with me ^w^ about the town,
:33 And then go to my >_< inn and dinye w-with m-me?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MEWCHANT. I *giggles shyly* am invited, siw, to cewtain mewchants,
Of whom I hope to m-make x3 much benyefit;
I cwave youw pawdon. Soon *teleports behind you* at f-five o'cwock,
Pwease you, I-I'ww meet w-with :33 you upon the mawt,
:33 And x3 aftewwawd c-consowt :33 you tiww *looks away* bed time.
My pwesent businyess c-cawws me f-fwom :33 you nyow.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Faweweww tiww then. I wiww go wose mysewf,
:33 And wandew up and down to view the city.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MEWCHANT. Siw, I commend :33 you to youw own content.
<Exit *giggles shyly* FIWST MEWCHANT
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. He that commends me to minye own *notices bulge* content
Commends me to the thing I cannyot ^.^ get.
I to the >_> wowwd *giggles shyly* am wike :3 a dwop of watew
That in the ocean seeks uWu anyothew dwop,
Who, fawwing thewe to find his fewwow fowth,
U-Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himsewf.
S-So I, to find :3 a mothew and :3 a bwothew,
In quest of them, unhappy, wose mysewf.

Entew DWOMIO OF EPHESUS

Hewe comes the awmanyac of my twue date.
What nyow? How chance thou awt wetuwn'd so soon?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Wetuwn'd so s-soon! wathew appwoach'd too wate.
The capon *cries* buwns, the pig fawws f-fwom the uWu spit;
The cwock hath stwucken twewve upon the beww-
My mistwess xDD made i-it onye upon my cheek;
^.^ She xDD is so *giggles shyly* hot because the meat xDD is cowd,
The meat xDD is cowd because :33 you come nyot home,
You come nyot home because :33 you *looks away* have nyo s-stomach,
You *looks away* have nyo s-stomach, having bwoke youw fast;
But we, that knyow what 'tis to fast and :33 pway,
Awe penyitent f-fow youw defauwt to-day.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Stop in youw wind, *teleports behind you* siw; t-teww me this, I pway:
Whewe *looks away* have :33 you weft the monyey that I gave you?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. *cuddles you* O-Sixpence that I had :3 a Wednyesday wast
To pay the saddwew f-fow my mistwess' cwuppew?
The saddwew had uWu it, *teleports behind you* siw; I kept i-it nyot.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I *giggles shyly* am nyot in :3 a >_< spowtive humouw nyow;
Teww me, and dawwy nyot, whewe xDD is the monyey?
We b-being stwangews hewe, how daw'st thou twust
S-So g-gweat :3 a c-chawge f-fwom thinye own custody?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I pway :33 you jest, siw, as :33 you sit *teleports behind you* at d-dinnyew.
I f-fwom my mistwess come to :33 you in post;
I-If I wetuwn, I shaww be post i-indeed,
Fow she wiww scowe youw *cuddles you* fauwt upon my pate.
Methinks youw maw, wike minye, shouwd be youw cwock,
:33 And stwike :33 you home without :3 a m-messengew.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Come, Dwomio, *giggles shyly* come, these jests awe out of season;
Wesewve them tiww :3 a mewwiew houw than this.
Whewe xDD is the gowd I gave in c-chawge to thee?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. To me, siw? Why, :33 you gave nyo gowd to me.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Come on, UwU siw knyave, *looks away* have d-donye youw foowishnyess,
:33 And t-teww me how thou hast dispos'd thy chawge.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. My c-chawge w-was b-but to fetch :33 you f-fwom the mawt
Home to youw house, the Phoenyix, siw, to d-dinnyew.
My mistwess and hew *cuddles you* sistew stays f-fow you.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyow, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a Chwistian, a-answew me
In what ;;w;; safe pwace :33 you *looks away* have OwO bestow'd my monyey,
Ow I shaww bweak that mewwy sconce of youws,
That *moans* stands on twicks when I *giggles shyly* am undispos'd.
Whewe xDD is the thousand mawks thou h-hadst of m-me?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I *looks away* have some mawks of youws upon my pate,
Some of my mistwess' mawks upon my shouwdews,
But nyot :3 a thousand mawks between :33 you both.
I-If I shouwd pay youw wowship those again,
Pewchance :33 you wiww nyot *hugs tightly* beaw them patientwy.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thy mistwess' mawks! What mistwess, swave, hast thou?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Youw uWu wowship's wife, my mistwess *teleports behind you* at the Phoenyix;
^.^ She that doth fast tiww :33 you come home to dinnyew,
:33 And pways that :33 you wiww hie :33 you home to d-dinnyew.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *looks away* What, wiwt thou fwout me uWu thus unto my face,
:3 Being fowbid? *sighs* Thewe, take :33 you t-that, UwU siw knyave.
[Beats him]
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. What m-mean you, siw? Fow God's sake howd youw hands!
Nyay, an :33 you wiww nyot, siw, I-I'ww take my heews.
<Exit
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *cries* Upon my wife, by some device ow othew
The *moans* viwwain xDD is *giggles shyly* o'ewwaught of aww my monyey.
They say this town xDD is fuww of cozenyage;
As, nyimbwe juggwews that deceive the eye,
Dawk-wowking s-sowcewews that change the mind,
Souw-kiwwing witches that defowm the body,
*giggles shyly* Disguised OwO cheatews, p-pwating mountebanks,
:33 And many s-such-wike wibewties of sin;
I-If i-it pwuv s-so, I wiww be gonye the soonyew.
I-I'ww to the *notices bulge* Centauw to go seek this s-swave.
I gweatwy feaw my monyey xDD is nyot safe.
<Exit


<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





ACT >_> Iw. SCENyE 1

The h-house of ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS

Entew ADWIANyA, w-wife to ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS, w-with WUCIANyA, hew *cuddles you* sistew

*leans over* ADWIANyA. Nyeithew my husband *pokes you* nyow the swave wetuwn'd
That in *looks at you* such *pokes you* haste I sent to seek his mastew!
Suwe, W-Wucianya, i-it xDD is t-two o'cwock.
WUCIANyA. Pewhaps some mewchant hath ^w^ invited him,
:33 And f-fwom the mawt he's somewhewe gonye to dinnyew;
*pokes you* Good *leans over* sistew, w-wet us dinye, and nyevew fwet.
A man xDD is mastew of his wibewty;
Time xDD is theiw mastew, and when they see time,
They'ww go ow come. I-If s-so, be *pokes you* patient, sistew.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Why shouwd theiw *leans over* wibewty than ouws be mowe?
WUCIANyA. :33 Because theiw businyess ^-^ stiww wies out o' d-doow.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Wook when I sewve him s-so, he takes i-it iww.
WUCIANyA. O, knyow he xDD is the bwidwe of youw wiww.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. T-Thewe's nyonye b-but asses wiww be bwidwed so.
WUCIANyA. Why, :33 headstwong *leans over* wibewty xDD is wash'd w-with woe.
T-Thewe's nyothing situate undew heaven's ^-^ eye
But hath his >w< bound, in *shuffles closer* eawth, in sea, in s-sky.
The b-beasts, the fishes, and the winged fowws,
Awe theiw mawes' subjects, and *teleports behind you* at theiw contwows.
*leans over* Man, mowe ^w^ divinye, the mastew of aww these,
Wowd of the wide >_> wowwd and wiwd w-wat'wy seas,
Indu'd w-with intewwectuaw sense and souws,
Of mowe UwU pwe-eminyence than fish and fowws,
Awe m-mastews to theiw femawes, and theiw wowds;
Then w-wet youw wiww attend on theiw *hugs tightly* accowds.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. T-This s-sewvitude makes :33 you to keep *teleports behind you* unwed.
WUCIANyA. Nyot this, b-but twoubwes of the mawwiage-bed.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. But, wewe :33 you wedded, :33 you wouwd *hugs tightly* beaw some sway.
WUCIANyA. Ewe I w-weawn OwO wuv, I-I'ww pwactise to obey.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. How i-if youw husband stawt some othew whewe?
WUCIANyA. Tiww he come home again, I wouwd fowbeaw.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Patience unmov'd! nyo mawvew t-though she pause:
They can be m-meek that *looks away* have nyo othew cause.
A wwetched souw, bwuis'd w-with advewsity,
We *giggles shyly* bid be quiet when we heaw i-it cwy;
But wewe we buwd'nyed w-with wike weight of *screams* pain,
As much, ow m-mowe, we shouwd *leans over* ouwsewves compwain.
S-So >w< thou, that hast nyo unkind mate to gwieve thee,
With uwging hewpwess patience wouwd wewieve me;
But i-if thou wive to see wike wight beweft,
T-This foow-begg'd patience in thee wiww be *looks away* weft.
WUCIANyA. Weww, I wiww m-mawwy onye :3 day, b-but to twy.
Hewe comes youw man, *pokes you* nyow xDD is youw husband *screams* nyigh.

Entew DWOMIO OF EPHESUS

*leans over* ADWIANyA. Say, xDD is youw t-tawdy mastew *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at hand?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, he's *teleports behind you* at t-two hands w-with me, and that my t-two
eaws can >w< witnyess.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Say, didst thou speak w-with *notices bulge* him? Knyow'st thou his mind?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Ay, ^.^ ay, he towd his mind upon minye uWu eaw.
Beshwew his hand, I scawce couwd undewstand *hugs tightly* it.
WUCIANyA. S-Spake he so doubtfuwwy thou couwd'st nyot feew his meanying?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, he stwuck so pwainwy I couwd to
weww feew his b-bwows; and withaw so doubtfuwwy that I couwd
scawce undewstand them.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. But say, I pwithee, xDD is he coming home?
It seems he hath g-gweat cawe to p-pwease his w-wife.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Why, mistwess, suwe my mastew xDD is hown-mad.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Hown-mad, thou viwwain!
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I m-mean nyot cuckowd-mad;
But, suwe, he xDD is stawk mad.
When I desiw'd him to come home to dinnyew,
He ask'd me f-fow :3 a thousand mawks in gowd.
"Tis d-dinnyew time' quoth I; 'My gowd!' quoth he.
'Youw meat doth b-buwn' quoth I; 'My gowd!' quoth he.
*pokes you* 'Wiww :33 you come home?' quoth I; 'My gowd!' quoth he.
*shuffles closer* 'Whewe xDD is the thousand mawks I gave thee, viwwain?'
>w< 'The pig' quoth I '-'is buwn'd'; 'My gowd!' quoth he.
'My mistwess, siw,' quoth I; 'Hang up thy mistwess;
I knyow nyot thy mistwess; out on thy mistwess.'
WUCIANyA. Quoth who?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Quoth my m-mastew.
'I knyow' quoth he 'nyo house, nyo wife, nyo mistwess.'
S-So that my ewwand, due unto my t-tongue,
I *notices bulge* thank him, I bawe home upon my shouwdews;
Fow, in concwusion, he did beat me thewe.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. G-Go back again, thou swave, and fetch him home.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. G-Go back again, and be nyew uWu beaten home?
Fow God's sake, s-send some othew m-messengew.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Back, swave, ow I wiww bweak thy pate *leans over* acwoss.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. :33 And he wiww b-bwess that cwoss w-with othew beating;
Between :33 you I shaww *looks away* have :3 a howy head.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Hence, p-pwating peasant! F-Fetch thy mastew home.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. *screams* Am I so wound w-with you, as :33 you w-with me,
That wike :3 a footbaww :33 you do spuwn me thus?
You spuwn me hence, and he wiww spuwn me *leans over* hithew;
I-If I wast in this sewvice, :33 you must case me in weathew.
<Exit
WUCIANyA. ^-^ Fie, how i-impatience wouweth in youw face!
*leans over* ADWIANyA. His *giggles shyly* company must do his *screams* minyions gwace,
Whiwst I *teleports behind you* at home stawve f-fow :3 a mewwy *notices bulge* wook.
Hath homewy ^w^ age *sighs* th' awwuwing beauty t-took
Fwom my poow cheek? Then he hath wasted *hugs tightly* it.
Awe my discouwses duww? Bawwen my wit?
I-If vowubwe and shawp discouwse be maww'd,
Unkindnyess bwunts i-it mowe than m-mawbwe hawd.
Do theiw gay vestments his affections *shuffles closer* bait?
That's nyot my fauwt; he's mastew of my state.
What w-wuins awe in me that can be found
By him nyot wuin'd? Then xDD is he the gwound
Of my defeatuwes. My decayed f-faiw
A sunny wook of his wouwd soon wepaiw.
But, too unwuwy deew, he bweaks the pawe,
:33 And feeds f-fwom home; poow I *giggles shyly* am b-but his stawe.
WUCIANyA. Sewf-hawming jeawousy! f-fie, beat i-it hence.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Unfeewing foows can w-with *looks at you* such UwU wwongs dispense.
I knyow his ^-^ eye doth homage othewwhewe;
Ow ewse what wets i-it b-but he wouwd be hewe?
xDD Sistew, :33 you knyow he p-pwomis'd me :3 a chain;
Wouwd that uWu awonye :3 a wuv he wouwd detain,
S-So he wouwd keep f-faiw quawtew w-with his bed!
I see the jewew best enyamewwed
Wiww wose his beauty; y-yet the gowd bides ^-^ stiww
That othews touch and, often *shuffles closer* touching, wiww
Whewe gowd; and nyo man that hath :3 a *leans over* nyame
By fawsehood and cowwuption doth i-it shame.
Since that my beauty cannyot p-pwease his eye,
I-I'ww weep w-what's weft away, and weeping d-die.
WUCIANyA. How many fond foows sewve mad jeawousy!
<Exeunt


SCENyE 2

The mawt

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE

ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. The gowd I gave to Dwomio xDD is *hugs tightly* waid up
Safe *teleports behind you* at the Centauw, and the heedfuw swave
Is wand'wed fowth in cawe to seek me out.
By computation and minye h-host's wepowt
I couwd nyot speak w-with Dwomio since *teleports behind you* at fiwst
I sent him f-fwom the mawt. S-See, hewe he comes.

Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE

How nyow, siw, xDD is youw mewwy humouw awtew'd?
As :33 you wuv stwokes, so j-jest w-with me again.
You knyow nyo *looks at you* Centauw! You w-weceiv'd nyo gowd!
Youw mistwess sent to *looks away* have me home to dinnyew!
My h-house w-was *teleports behind you* at the P-Phoenyix! Wast thou m-mad,
That uWu thus so madwy thou didst a-answew m-me?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. What answew, siw? When spake I *looks at you* such :3 a wowd?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Even nyow, even hewe, nyot *looks at you* hawf an houw ^-^ since.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I did nyot see :33 you since :33 you sent me hence,
Home to the Centauw, w-with the gowd :33 you gave me.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Viwwain, thou didst deny the gowd's weceipt,
:33 And towd'st me of :3 a mistwess and :3 a dinnyew;
Fow which, I hope, thou fewt'st I w-was dispweas'd.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see :33 you in this mewwy vein.
What means this jest? I pway you, mastew, t-teww me.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Yea, dost thou j-jeew and fwout me in the teeth?
Think'st thou I jest? Howd, take thou t-that, and that.
[Beating him]
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Howd, siw, f-fow God's sake! Nyow youw j-jest xDD is eawnyest.
*cries* Upon what bawgain do :33 you give i-it m-me?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. :33 Because that I famiwiawwy sometimes
Do use :33 you f-fow my foow and chat w-with you,
Youw *sighs* saucinyess wiww j-jest upon my OwO wuv,
:33 And m-make :3 a common of my s-sewious houws.
When the sun shinyes w-wet f-foowish gnyats m-make spowt,
But cweep in cwannyies when he hides his beams.
I-If :33 you wiww j-jest w-with me, knyow my aspect,
:33 And fashion youw demeanyouw to my *shuffles closer* wooks,
Ow I wiww beat this method in youw sconce.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *teleports behind you* Sconce, caww :33 you it? S-So :33 you wouwd
weave b-battewing, I had wathew *looks away* have i-it :3 a head. An :33 you use
these bwows w-wong, I must get :3 a sconce f-fow my head, and
insconce i-it too; ow ewse I shaww seek my wit in my shouwdews.
But I :33 pway, siw, why *giggles shyly* am I beaten?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. D-Dost thou nyot x3 knyow?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyothing, siw, b-but that I *giggles shyly* am beaten.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Shaww I t-teww :33 you *pokes you* why?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Ay, siw, and whewefowe; f-fow they say
evewy why hath :3 a *looks away* whewefowe.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Why, fiwst f-fow fwouting me; and then whewefowe,
Fow uwging i-it the second ;;w;; time to me.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Was thewe evew *sighs* any man uWu thus uWu beaten out of s-season,
When in the why and the whewefowe xDD is nyeithew whyme *pokes you* nyow weason?
Weww, siw, I *notices bulge* thank you.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thank me, siw! f-fow what?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, f-fow this something that :33 you gave
me f-fow nyothing.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I-I'ww m-make :33 you amends nyext, to
give :33 you nyothing f-fow something. But say, siw, xDD is i-it d-dinnyewtime?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, *teleports behind you* siw; I think the meat wants that I have.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. In good time, siw, w-what's that?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Basting.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Weww, siw, then 'twiww be dwy.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I-If i-it be, siw, I pway :33 you eat nyonye of *hugs tightly* it.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Youw weason?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. West i-it m-make :33 you chowewic, and puwchase me
uWu anyothew dwy b-basting.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Weww, siw, w-weawn to j-jest in good time;
thewe's :3 a ;;w;; time f-fow aww things.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I duwst *looks away* have *giggles shyly* denyied t-that, befowe :33 you
wewe so chowewic.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. By what >_< wuwe, siw?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, by :3 a w-wuwe as pwain as the
pwain bawd pate of Fathew Time himsewf.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Wet's heaw *hugs tightly* it.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. T-Thewe's nyo ;;w;; time f-fow :3 a man to wecuvw
his x3 haiw that g-gwows bawd by nyatuwe.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. May he nyot do i-it by *screams* finye and wecuvwy?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Yes, to pay :3 a *screams* finye f-fow :3 a >_> pewiwig, and
wecuvw the wost x3 haiw of uWu anyothew man.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Why xDD is Time *looks at you* such :3 a nyiggawd of
*leans over* haiw, being, as i-it is, so pwentifuw an excwement?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. :33 Because i-it xDD is :3 a bwessing that he b-bestows
on b-beasts, and what he hath scanted men in x3 haiw he hath
xDD given them in wit.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Why, b-but thewe's many :3 a man
hath mowe x3 haiw than wit.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyot :3 a man of those b-but he hath the
wit to wose his ^-^ haiw.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Why, thou didst concwude haiwy
men pwain deawews without wit.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. The pwainyew deawew, the soonyew wost;
y-yet he woseth i-it in :3 a kind of jowwity.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Fow what weason?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Fow two; and sound *cuddles you* onyes too.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, nyot sound I pway you.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Suwe >_> onyes, then.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, nyot suwe, in :3 a thing fawsing.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Cewtain >_> onyes, then.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyame them.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. The onye, to save the monyey that he spends in
tiwing; the o-othew, that *teleports behind you* at d-dinnyew they shouwd nyot dwop in his
p-powwidge.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. You wouwd aww this ;;w;; time *looks away* have pwov'd thewe
xDD is nyo ;;w;; time f-fow aww things.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, and did, *teleports behind you* siw; nyamewy, nyo ;;w;; time to wecuvw
x3 haiw wost by nyatuwe.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. But youw weason w-was nyot ^.^ substantiaw, why
thewe xDD is nyo ;;w;; time to wecuvw.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Thus I mend *screams* it: Time himsewf xDD is bawd,
and thewefowe to the wowwd's e-end wiww *looks away* have bawd fowwowews.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I knyew 't'wouwd be :3 a bawd concwusion. But,
s-soft, who wafts us yondew?

Entew *looks away* ADWIANyA and WUCIANyA

*leans over* ADWIANyA. Ay, ^.^ ay, ÚwÚ Antiphowus, wook s-stwange and fwown.
Some othew mistwess hath thy sweet aspects;
I *giggles shyly* am nyot *hugs tightly* Adwianya, *pokes you* nyow thy w-wife.
The ;;w;; time w-was *screams* once when thou unyuwg'd w-wouwdst vow
That nyevew wowds wewe *pokes you* music to thinye eaw,
That nyevew object pweasing in thinye eye,
That nyevew touch weww wewcome to thy hand,
That nyevew meat s-sweet-savouw'd in thy taste,
Unwess I spake, ow *cuddles you* wook'd, ow touch'd, ow cawv'd to *cuddles you* thee.
How comes i-it nyow, my *twerks* husband, O, how comes uWu it,
That thou awt then estwanged f-fwom thysewf?
OwO Thysewf I caww uWu it, b-being s-stwange to me,
That, undividabwe, incowpowate,
*screams* Am bettew than thy deaw sewf's bettew pawt.
A-Ah, do nyot teaw away thysewf f-fwom me;
Fow knyow, my OwO wuv, as *sighs* easy mayst thou faww
A dwop of watew in the bweaking guwf,
:33 And take unmingwed uWu thence that dwop a-again
*notices bulge* Without addition ow diminyishing,
As take f-fwom me thysewf, and nyot me too.
How deawwy wouwd i-it touch thee to the quick,
Shouwd'st thou b-but heaw I wewe *looks at you* wicentious,
:33 And that this body, consecwate to thee,
By wuffian wust shouwd be contaminyate!
Wouwdst thou nyot s-spit *teleports behind you* at me and spuwn *teleports behind you* at me,
:33 And h-huww the *leans over* nyame of husband in my face,
:33 And teaw the stain'd skin off my hawwot-bwow,
:33 And f-fwom my fawse hand cut the *shuffles closer* wedding-wing,
:33 And bweak i-it w-with :3 a deep-divowcing vow?
I knyow thou canst, and thewefowe see thou do *hugs tightly* it.
I *giggles shyly* am possess'd w-with an *shuffles closer* aduwtewate bwot;
My bwood xDD is mingwed w-with the cwime of wust;
Fow i-if we t-two be onye, and thou pway fawse,
I do digest the poison of thy fwesh,
:3 Being stwumpeted by thy contagion.
Keep then f-faiw weague and twuce w-with thy twue bed;
I wive dis-stain'd, thou undishonyouwed.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Pwead :33 you to me, f-faiw :33 dame? I knyow :33 you nyot:
In E-Ephesus I *giggles shyly* am b-but t-two houws o-owd,
As s-stwange unto youw town as to youw tawk,
Who, evewy w-wowd by aww my wit b-being ÚwÚ scann'd,
Wants wit in aww onye w-wowd to u-undewstand.
WUCIANyA. ^-^ Fie, bwothew, how the >_> wowwd xDD is c-chang'd w-with you!
When wewe :33 you wont to use my *cuddles you* sistew thus?
^.^ She sent f-fow :33 you by Dwomio home to d-dinnyew.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. By Dwomio?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. By m-me?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. By thee; and this thou didst wetuwn f-fwom him-
That he did buffet thee, and in his bwows
Denyied my h-house f-fow h-his, me f-fow his w-wife.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Did :33 you convewse, siw, w-with this g-gentwewoman?
What xDD is the couwse and dwift of youw compact?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I, OwO Siw? I nyevew saw hew tiww this time.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Viwwain, thou *notices bulge* wiest; f-fow even hew vewy wowds
Didst thou dewivew to me on the mawt.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I nyevew spake w-with hew in aww my w-wife.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. How can she thus, then, caww us by ouw nyames,
Unwess i-it be by inspiwation?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. How iww a-agwees i-it w-with youw gwavity
To c-countewfeit uWu thus gwosswy w-with youw swave,
Abetting him to thwawt me in my mood!
Be i-it my wwong :33 you awe f-fwom me e-exempt,
But wwong nyot that wwong w-with :3 a mowe c-contempt.
Come, I wiww fasten on this sweeve of t-thinye;
Thou awt an e-ewm, my *twerks* husband, I :3 a *sighs* vinye,
W-Whose w-weaknyess, *blushes* mawwied to thy stwongew state,
Makes me w-with thy stwength to *cuddles you* communyicate.
I-If a-aught possess thee f-fwom me, i-it xDD is d-dwoss,
Usuwping ivy, b-bwiew, ow idwe moss;
Who aww, f-fow want of *cries* pwunying, w-with i-intwusion
I-Infect thy sap, and wive on thy confusion.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. To me she speaks; she muvs me f-fow hew theme.
*looks away* What, w-was I *blushes* mawwied to hew in my dweam?
Ow sweep I nyow, and think I heaw aww *shuffles closer* this?
What ewwow dwives ouw eyes and eaws amiss?
Untiw I knyow this suwe uncewtainty,
I-I'ww entewtain the :3 offew'd fawwacy.
WUCIANyA. Dwomio, go *giggles shyly* bid the sewvants spwead f-fow d-dinnyew.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O, f-fow my beads! I cwoss me f-fow sinnyew.
T-This xDD is the faiwy wand. uWu O spite of spites!
We t-tawk w-with gobwins, owws, and spwites.
I-If we >_> obey them nyot, this wiww ensue:
They'ww s-suck ouw bweath, ow p-pinch us bwack and bwue.
WUCIANyA. Why pwat'st thou to thysewf, and answew'st UwU nyot?
Dwomio, thou dwonye, thou snyaiw, thou swug, thou sot!
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I *giggles shyly* am twansfowmed, mastew, *giggles shyly* am nyot I-I?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I think thou awt in mind, and so *giggles shyly* am I-I.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, mastew, both in mind and in my shape.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thou hast thinye own UwU fowm.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, I *giggles shyly* am an ape.
WUCIANyA. I-If thou awt c-chang'd to aught, 'tis to an a-ass.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. 'Tis twue; she wides me, and I wong f-fow gwass.
'Tis s-so, I *giggles shyly* am an ass; ewse i-it couwd nyevew be
But I shouwd knyow hew as weww as she knyows me.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Come, *giggles shyly* come, nyo wongew wiww I be :3 a foow,
To put the fingew in the ^-^ eye and weep,
Whiwst man and mastew w-waughs my woes to scown.
Come, siw, to d-dinnyew. Dwomio, keep the gate.
Husband, I-I'ww dinye abuv w-with :33 you to-day,
:33 And shwive :33 you of :3 a thousand idwe pwanks.
Siwwah, i-if *sighs* any ask :33 you f-fow youw mastew,
ÚwÚ Say he dinyes fowth, and w-wet nyo *leans over* cweatuwe entew.
Come, sistew. Dwomio, pway the powtew weww.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *screams* Am I in *shuffles closer* eawth, in heaven, ow in heww?
Sweeping ow *sweats* waking, mad ow weww-advis'd?
Knyown unto these, and to mysewf disguis'd!
I-I'ww say as they say, and pewsevew s-so,
:33 And in this mist *teleports behind you* at aww adventuwes go.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, shaww I be powtew *teleports behind you* at the gate?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Ay; and w-wet nyonye entew, west I bweak youw pate.
WUCIANyA. Come, *giggles shyly* come, ÚwÚ Antiphowus, we dinye too wate.
<Exeunt


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ACT III. SCENyE 1

Befowe the h-house of ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS, DWOMIO OF EPHESUS, ANGEWO, and BAWTHAZAW

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *pokes you* Good Signyiow Angewo, :33 you must *hugs tightly* excuse us aww;
My w-wife xDD is x3 shwewish when I keep nyot houws.
ÚwÚ Say that I wingew'd w-with :33 you *teleports behind you* at youw s-shop
To see the x3 making of hew cawcanyet,
:33 And that to-mowwow :33 you wiww bwing i-it home.
But ^-^ hewe's :3 a *moans* viwwain that wouwd face me down
He met me on the mawt, and that I beat him,
:33 And c-chawg'd him w-with :3 a thousand mawks in gowd,
:33 And that I did deny my w-wife and house.
Thou dwunkawd, >w< thou, what didst thou m-mean by *shuffles closer* this?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. ÚwÚ Say what :33 you wiww, siw, b-but I knyow what I *looks away* knyow.
That :33 you beat me *teleports behind you* at the mawt I *looks away* have youw hand to show;
I-If the skin wewe pawchment, and the bwows :33 you gave wewe ink,
Youw own handwwiting wouwd t-teww :33 you what I *leans over* think.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I think thou awt an a-ass.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Mawwy, so i-it doth appeaw
By the UwU wwongs I suffew and the bwows I beaw.
I shouwd kick, b-being k-kick'd; and b-being *teleports behind you* at that :33 pass,
You wouwd keep f-fwom my h-heews, and bewawe of an a-ass.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Y'awe sad, Signyiow Bawthazaw; pway *teleports behind you* God ouw c-cheew
May a-answew my good wiww and youw good wewcome hewe.
^w^ BAWTHAZAW. I howd youw dainties cheap, siw, and youw wewcome deaw.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. O, Signyiow Bawthazaw, eithew *teleports behind you* at fwesh ow fish,
A tabwe fuww of wewcome makes scawce onye dainty dish.
^w^ BAWTHAZAW. *pokes you* Good meat, siw, xDD is *giggles shyly* common; that evewy *sighs* chuww affowds.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. :33 And wewcome mowe *giggles shyly* common; f-fow that's nyothing
b-but wowds.
^w^ BAWTHAZAW. :3 Smaww c-cheew and g-gweat wewcome makes :3 a mewwy ÚwÚ feast.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Ay, to :3 a *sighs* nyiggawdwy host and mowe spawing guest.
But t-though my cates be mean, take them in good pawt;
UwU Bettew c-cheew may :33 you have, b-but nyot w-with bettew heawt.
But, s-soft, my *hugs tightly* doow xDD is wock'd; go *giggles shyly* bid them w-wet us i-in.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Maud, Bwidget, Mawian, Cicewy, Giwwian, Ginn!
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Mome, mawt-howse, capon, c-coxcomb, i-idiot, patch!
E-Eithew get thee f-fwom the doow, ow sit down *teleports behind you* at the hatch.
D-Dost thou *giggles shyly* conjuwe f-fow wenches, that thou caww'st f-fow *looks at you* such stowe,
When onye xDD is onye too many? G-Go get thee f-fwom the d-doow.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. What patch xDD is xDD made ouw powtew?
My mastew stays in the stweet.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Wet him wawk f-fwom whence he came,
west he catch cowd on's feet.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Who t-tawks *teleports behind you* within thewe? Ho, open the doow!
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Wight, *teleports behind you* siw; I-I'ww t-teww :33 you when,
an ^-^ you'ww t-teww me *looks away* whewefowe.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Whewefowe? Fow my dinnyew;
I *looks away* have nyot din'd to-day.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Nyow to-day hewe :33 you must nyot;
come a-again when :33 you may.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. What awt thou that keep'st me out
f-fwom the h-house I owe?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] The powtew f-fow this time,
siw, and my *leans over* nyame xDD is Dwomio.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. uWu O Viwwain, thou hast stow'n both minye
office and my nyame!
The onye nye'ew *giggles shyly* got me cwedit, the othew mickwe bwame.
I-If thou h-hadst been Dwomio to-day in my pwace,
Thou w-wouwdst *looks away* have c-chang'd thy face f-fow :3 a nyame, ow thy *leans over* nyame f-fow an a-ass.

Entew WUCE, *teleports behind you* within

W-WUCE. [Within] What :3 a coiw xDD is thewe, Dwomio? Who awe those *teleports behind you* at the gate?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Wet my mastew in, Wuce.
W-WUCE. [Within] *moans* Faith, nyo, he comes too w-wate;
:33 And so t-teww youw m-mastew.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. uWu O Wowd, I must waugh!
Have *teleports behind you* at :33 you w-with :3 a pwuvwb: Shaww I set in my uWu staff?
W-WUCE. [Within] Have *teleports behind you* at :33 you w-with anyothew: x3 that's-when? can :33 you teww?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] I-If thy *leans over* nyame be cawwed Wuce
-Wuce, thou hast answew'd him weww.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Do :33 you h-heaw, :33 you minyion? You'ww w-wet us in, I hope?
W-WUCE. [Within] I thought to *looks away* have ask'd you.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] :33 And :33 you said nyo.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. SO, Come, hewp: weww :3 stwuck! thewe w-was bwow f-fow bwow.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Thou baggage, w-wet me i-in.
W-WUCE. [Within] *sweats* Can :33 you t-teww f-fow *screams* whose sake?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Mastew, knyock the *hugs tightly* doow hawd.
W-WUCE. [Within] Wet him knyock tiww i-it *hugs tightly* ache.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. You'ww cwy f-fow this, minyion, i-if beat the *hugs tightly* doow down.
W-WUCE. [Within] What nyeeds aww t-that, and :3 a paiw of stocks in the town?

Entew ADWIANyA, *teleports behind you* within

*leans over* ADWIANyA. [Within] Who xDD is that *teleports behind you* at the doow, that keeps aww this nyoise?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] By my twoth, youw town xDD is
twoubwed w-with unwuwy boys.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Awe :33 you thewe, w-wife? You might
*looks away* have come befowe.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. [Within] Youw wife, UwU siw knyave! G-Go get :33 you f-fwom the d-doow.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I-If YOU went in *screams* pain, mastew, this 'knyave' wouwd go sowe.
ANGEWO. Hewe xDD is nyeithew cheew, siw, *pokes you* nyow wewcome; we wouwd f-fain *looks away* have eithew.
^w^ BAWTHAZAW. In d-debating which w-was *teleports behind you* best, we shaww pawt w-with nyeithew.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. They s-stand *teleports behind you* at the doow, mastew; *giggles shyly* bid them wewcome hithew.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Thewe xDD is something in the wind, that we cannyot get i-in.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. You wouwd say s-so, mastew, i-if youw gawments wewe thin.
Youw cake hewe xDD is wawm within; :33 you s-stand hewe in the cowd;
It wouwd m-make :3 a man mad as :3 a buck to be so bought and sowd.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. G-Go fetch me UwU something; I-I'ww bweak ope the gate.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Bweak *sighs* any bweaking hewe,
and I-I'ww bweak youw knyave's pate.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. A man may bweak :3 a w-wowd w-with you,
*teleports behind you* siw; and wowds awe b-but wind;
Ay, and bweak i-it in youw face, so he bweak i-it nyot behind.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] It seems thou want'st bweaking;
out upon thee, *cries* hind!
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Hewe's too x3 much 'out upon thee!' pway thee w-wet me i-in.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Ay, when fowws *looks away* have nyo
feathews and fish *looks away* have nyo *notices bulge* fin.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Weww, I-I'ww bweak i-in; go bowwow me :3 a cwow.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. A cwow without feathew? Mastew, m-mean :33 you so?
Fow :3 a fish without :3 a fin, thewe's :3 a foww without :3 a feathew;
I-If :3 a cwow h-hewp us in, siwwah, we'ww pwuck :3 a cwow togethew.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. G-Go get thee gonye; fetch me an iwon cwow.
^w^ BAWTHAZAW. Have patience, *teleports behind you* siw; O, w-wet i-it nyot be so!
H-Hewein :33 you waw against youw weputation,
:33 And dwaw *teleports behind you* within the compass of suspect
T-Th' unviowated honyouw of youw w-wife.
Once this-youw wong expewience of hew wisdom,
Hew sobew v-viwtue, yeaws, and m-modesty,
Pwead on hew pawt some cause to :33 you u-unknyown;
:33 And d-doubt nyot, siw, b-but she wiww weww *hugs tightly* excuse
Why *teleports behind you* at this ;;w;; time the doows awe xDD made against you.
Be ;;w;; wuw'd by me: depawt in patience,
:33 And w-wet us to the >w< Tigew aww to dinnyew;
And, ^w^ about evenying, come *teleports behind you* youwsewf uWu awonye
To knyow the weason of this s-stwange westwaint.
I-If by stwong hand :33 you offew to bweak in
Nyow in the stiwwing passage of the :3 day,
A *hugs tightly* vuwgaw comment wiww be xDD made of uWu it,
:33 And that supposed by the common wout
Against youw y-yet ungawwed estimation
That may w-with fouw i-intwusion entew in
:33 And *giggles shyly* dweww upon youw gwave when :33 you awe dead;
Fow swandew xDD wives upon *moans* succession,
Fow evew hous'd whewe i-it gets possession.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. You *looks away* have pwevaiw'd. I wiww depawt in OwO quiet,
:33 And in despite of miwth m-mean to be mewwy.
I knyow :3 a *moans* wench of excewwent discouwse,
Pwetty and witty; wiwd, and yet, too, gentwe;
Thewe wiww we dinye. T-This woman that I mean,
My w-wife-but, I pwotest, without desewt-
Hath *blushes* oftentimes u-upbwaided me ^-^ withaw;
To hew wiww we to d-dinnyew. [To ANGEWO] Get :33 you home
:33 And fetch the chain; by this I knyow 'tis made.
Bwing uWu it, I pway you, to the *teleports behind you* Powpentinye;
Fow thewe's the house. That chain wiww I bestow-
Be i-it f-fow nyothing b-but to spite my wife-
*cries* Upon minye hostess thewe; good siw, m-make haste.
Since minye own doows wefuse to entewtain me,
I-I'ww knyock ewsewhewe, to see i-if they'ww d-disdain me.
ANGEWO. I-I'ww meet :33 you *teleports behind you* at that pwace some houw hence.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Do so; this j-jest shaww cost me some expense.
<Exeunt


SCENyE 2

Befowe the h-house of ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS

Entew WUCIANyA w-with ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE

WUCIANyA. :33 And may i-it be that :33 you *looks away* have quite fowgot
A husband's office? Shaww, ÚwÚ Antiphowus,
Even in the spwing of OwO wuv, thy :3 wuv-spwings wot?
Shaww OwO wuv, in buiwding, gwow so wuinyous?
I-If :33 you did wed my *cuddles you* sistew f-fow hew weawth,
Then f-fow hew weawth's sake use hew w-with mowe k-kindnyess;
Ow, i-if :33 you wike ewsewhewe, do i-it by s-steawth;
*teleports behind you* Muffwe youw fawse wuv w-with some show of bwindnyess;
Wet nyot my *cuddles you* sistew wead i-it in youw eye;
Be nyot thy *notices bulge* tongue thy own s-shame's owatow;
Wook sweet, speak faiw, become diswoyawty;
Appawew v-vice wike *shuffles closer* viwtue's h-hawbingew;
Beaw :3 a f-faiw pwesence, t-though youw h-heawt be >w< tainted;
*screams* Teach sin the cawwiage of :3 a howy saint;
Be s-secwet-fawse. What nyeed she be acquainted?
What simpwe thief bwags of his own a-attaint?
'Tis *looks away* doubwe wwong to twuant w-with youw *looks away* bed
:33 And w-wet hew wead i-it in thy wooks *teleports behind you* at boawd;
S-Shame hath :3 a bastawd fame, weww m-manyaged;
Iww d-deeds xDD is :33 doubwed w-with an eviw wowd.
A-Awas, poow women! m-make us b-but bewieve,
:3 Being compact of cwedit, that :33 you wuv us;
*shuffles closer* Though othews *looks away* have the awm, show us the sweeve;
We in youw motion tuwn, and :33 you may muv us.
Then, gentwe bwothew, get :33 you in again;
Comfowt my *leans over* sistew, c-cheew hew, caww hew w-wife.
'Tis howy OwO spowt to be :3 a wittwe vain
When the sweet bweath of fwattewy conquews stwife.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Sweet mistwess-what youw *leans over* nyame xDD is ewse, I knyow nyot,
Nyow by what w-wondew :33 you do hit of minye-
W-Wess in youw knyowwedge and youw gwace :33 you show nyot
Than ouw *notices bulge* eawth's wondew-mowe than *shuffles closer* eawth, divinye.
*screams* Teach me, deaw cweatuwe, how to think and speak;
*giggles shyly* Way open to my eawthy-gwoss conceit,
Smoth'wed in ewwows, feebwe, shawwow, weak,
The fowded meanying of youw *notices bulge* wowds' deceit.
Against my souw's puwe *looks away* twuth why wabouw :33 you
To m-make i-it wandew in an >_> unknyown fiewd?
Awe :33 you :3 a god? Wouwd :33 you cweate me nyew?
Twansfowm me, then, and to youw pow'w I-I'ww ÚwÚ yiewd.
But i-if that I *giggles shyly* am I, then weww I knyow
Youw weeping *cuddles you* sistew xDD is nyo w-wife of minye,
Nyow to hew *looks away* bed nyo homage do I owe;
F-Faw m-mowe, faw m-mowe, to :33 you do I *leans over* decwinye.
O, twain me nyot, sweet mewmaid, w-with thy nyote,
To dwown me in thy sistew's fwood of teaws.
Sing, s-siwen, f-fow thysewf, and I wiww *shuffles closer* dote;
Spwead o'ew the siwvew w-waves thy xDD gowden haiws,
:33 And as :3 a *looks away* bed I-I'ww take them, and thewe he;
:33 And in that gwowious supposition think
He g-gains by death that hath *looks at you* such means to d-die.
Wet Wuv, b-being wight, be d-dwownyed i-if she sink.
WUCIANyA. *looks away* What, awe :33 you m-mad, that :33 you do weason so?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyot m-mad, b-but mated; how, I do nyot *looks away* knyow.
WUCIANyA. It xDD is :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt that *sweats* spwingeth f-fwom youw eye.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Fow g-gazing on youw beams, f-faiw *looks at you* sun, b-being by.
WUCIANyA. ^-^ Gaze whewe :33 you xDD shouwd, and that wiww cweaw youw sight.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. As good to wink, sweet OwO wuv, as wook on nyight.
WUCIANyA. Why caww :33 you me w-wuv? Caww my *cuddles you* sistew so.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thy sistew's sistew.
WUCIANyA. That's my sistew.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyo;
It xDD is thysewf, minye own sewf's bettew pawt;
Minye eye's cweaw eye, my deaw heawt's deawew h-heawt,
My food, my *pokes you* fowtunye, and my sweet hope's aim,
My ^-^ sowe *notices bulge* eawth's heaven, and my heaven's cwaim.
WUCIANyA. A-Aww this my *cuddles you* sistew is, ow ewse shouwd b-be.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Caww thysewf *leans over* sistew, sweet, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am thee;
Thee wiww I OwO wuv, and w-with thee wead my wife;
Thou hast nyo husband yet, *pokes you* nyow I nyo w-wife.
Give me thy hand.
WUCIANyA. O, s-soft, siw, howd :33 you stiww;
I-I'ww fetch my *cuddles you* sistew to get hew good wiww.
<Exit WUCIANyA

Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE.

ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Why, how nyow, Dwomio! Whewe wun'st thou
so fast?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Do :33 you knyow me, siw? *screams* Am I Dwomio?
*screams* Am I youw man? *screams* Am I mysewf?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thou awt Dwomio, thou awt my
man, thou awt thysewf.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I *giggles shyly* am an ass, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a woman's man, and besides
mysewf.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What woman's man, and how besides thysewf?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, besides mysewf, I *giggles shyly* am due
to :3 a *blushes* woman-onye that cwaims me, onye that haunts me, onye
that wiww *looks away* have me.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What cwaim ways she to thee?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, *looks at you* such cwaim as :33 you wouwd
way to youw howse; and she wouwd *looks away* have me as :3 a beast: nyot
t-that, I b-being :3 a beast, she wouwd *looks away* have me; b-but that she,
b-being :3 a vewy *sweats* beastwy cweatuwe, ways cwaim to me.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What xDD is she?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. A vewy wevewent :33 body; ^.^ ay, *looks at you* such :3 a onye
as :3 a man may nyot speak of without he say 'Siw-wevewence.'
I *looks away* have b-but wean wuck in the m-match, and y-yet xDD is she :3 a
wondwous fat mawwiage.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. How dost thou m-mean :3 a fat :3 mawwiage?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, s-she's the k-kitchen-wench,
and aww gwease; and I knyow nyot what use to put hew to b-but
to m-make :3 a wamp of hew and wun f-fwom hew by hew own w-wight.
I wawwant, hew wags and the tawwow in them wiww buwn
Powand wintew. I-If she xDD wives tiww d-doomsday, s-she'ww buwn
week wongew than the *shuffles closer* whowe wowwd.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What *notices bulge* compwexion xDD is she *cries* of?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Swawt, wike my shoe; b-but hew face
nyothing wike so cwean kept; f-fow why, she sweats, :3 a man may
go uvw shoes in the *twerks* gwime of *hugs tightly* it.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. That's :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt that watew wiww *shuffles closer* mend.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, siw, 'tis in ^-^ gwain; N-Nyoah's fwood
couwd nyot do *hugs tightly* it.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What's hew *sweats* nyame?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyeww, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but hew *leans over* nyame and thwee
quawtews, that's an *hugs tightly* eww and thwee quawtews, wiww nyot measuwe
hew f-fwom hip to hip.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Then she *twerks* beaws some bweadth?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *cuddles you* Nyo wongew f-fwom head to foot than
f-fwom hip to hip: she xDD is sphewicaw, wike :3 a ^.^ gwobe; I couwd find
out countwies in hew.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. In what pawt of hew ^w^ body *moans* stands Iwewand?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, in hew buttocks; I found i-it out by
the *looks at you* bogs.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Scotwand?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I found i-it by the bawwennyess, hawd in
the pawm of the hand.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Fwance?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. In hew fowehead, awm'd and wevewted,
x3 making waw against hew h-heiw.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe *twerks* Engwand?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I w-wook'd f-fow the chawky cwiffs, b-but I
couwd find nyo whitenyess in them; b-but I guess i-it stood in hew
chin, by the sawt wheum that wan between *giggles shyly* Fwance and *hugs tightly* it.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Spain?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *moans* Faith, I saw i-it nyot, b-but I fewt i-it *giggles shyly* hot in
hew bweath.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Amewica, the Indies?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O, siw, upon hew *hugs tightly* nyose, an o'ew e-embewwished w-with
wubies, cawbuncwes, sapphiwes, decwinying theiw wich aspect to the
*giggles shyly* hot bweath of Spain; who sent *shuffles closer* whowe awmadoes of cawacks to be
bawwast *teleports behind you* at hew nyose.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe stood Bewgia, the Nyethewwands?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O, Siw, I did nyot wook so wow. To
concwude: this dwudge ow *looks at you* divinyew *hugs tightly* waid cwaim to me; caww'd me
Dwomio; *cuddles you* swowe I w-was *moans* assuw'd to hew; towd me what pwivy
mawks I had ^w^ about me, as, the mawk of my shouwdew, the
mowe in my nyeck, the g-gweat wawt on my weft awm, that I,
amaz'd, wan f-fwom hew as :3 a witch.
And, I think, i-if my bweast had nyot been xDD made of faith,
and my h-heawt of s-steew,
^.^ She had twansfowm'd me to :3 a cuwtaw dog, and xDD made me t-tuwn i' *sighs* th' *looks away* wheew.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. G-Go hie thee pwesentwy post to the w-woad;
An i-if the *cuddles you* wind bwow *sighs* any way f-fwom showe,
I wiww nyot hawbouw in this town to-nyight.
I-If *sighs* any *blushes* bawk put fowth, come to the mawt,
Whewe I wiww wawk tiww thou wetuwn to me.
I-If evewy onye knyows u-us, and we knyow nyonye,
'Tis time, I think, to t-twudge, pack and be gonye.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. As f-fwom :3 a *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a man wouwd wun f-fow wife,
S-So xDD fwy I f-fwom hew that wouwd be my w-wife.
<Exit
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. T-Thewe's nyonye b-but witches do inhabit hewe,
:33 And thewefowe 'tis high ;;w;; time that I wewe hence.
^.^ She that doth caww me *twerks* husband, even my :33 souw
Doth f-fow :3 a w-wife *twerks* abhow. But hew f-faiw *leans over* sistew,
Possess'd w-with *looks at you* such :3 a gentwe suvweign gwace,
Of *looks at you* such enchanting pwesence and discouwse,
Hath awmost xDD made me twaitow to mysewf;
But, west mysewf be ^-^ guiwty to sewf-wwong,
I-I'ww stop minye eaws against the mewmaid's song.

Entew A-ANGEWO w-with the chain

ANGEWO. M-Mastew Antiphowus!
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Ay, that's my nyame.
ANGEWO. I knyow i-it weww, siw. Wo, hewe xDD is the chain.
I thought to *looks away* have ta'en :33 you *teleports behind you* at the *teleports behind you* Powpentinye;
The chain unfinyish'd xDD made me stay uWu thus wong.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What xDD is youw wiww that I shaww do w-with *shuffles closer* this?
ANGEWO. What p-pwease youwsewf, *teleports behind you* siw; I *looks away* have xDD made i-it f-fow you.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Made i-it f-fow me, siw! I bespoke i-it nyot.
ANGEWO. Nyot *screams* once *pokes you* nyow *twerks* twice, b-but twenty *moans* times :33 you have.
G-Go home w-with uWu it, and p-pwease youw w-wife ^-^ withaw;
:33 And soon *teleports behind you* at suppew-time I-I'ww visit you,
:33 And then weceive my monyey f-fow the chain.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I pway you, siw, weceive the monyey nyow,
Fow feaw :33 you nye'ew see chain *pokes you* nyow monyey mowe.
ANGEWO. You awe :3 a mewwy man, *teleports behind you* siw; fawe :33 you weww.
<Exit
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What I shouwd think of this cannyot teww:
But this I think, thewe's nyo man xDD is so vain
That wouwd wefuse so f-faiw an :3 offew'd chain.
I see :3 a man hewe nyeeds nyot wive by shifts,
When in the stweets he meets *looks at you* such xDD gowden gifts.
I-I'ww to the mawt, and thewe f-fow Dwomio stay;
I-If *sighs* any *hugs tightly* ship put out, then stwaight a-away.
<Exit


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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 1

A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew SECOND MEWCHANT, ANGEWO, and an OFFICEW

SECOND MEWCHANT. You knyow since Pentecost the sum xDD is due,
:33 And since I *looks away* have nyot x3 much *hugs tightly* impowtun'd y-you;
Nyow *pokes you* nyow I had nyot, b-but that I *giggles shyly* am bound
To *notices bulge* Pewsia, and want guiwdews f-fow my voyage.
Thewefowe m-make pwesent satisfaction,
Ow I-I'ww attach :33 you by this *leans over* officew.
ANGEWO. Even just the sum that I do owe to :33 you
Is gwowing to me by Antiphowus;
:33 And in the *sweats* instant that I met w-with :33 you
He had of me :3 a chain; *teleports behind you* at f-five o-o'cwock
I shaww weceive the monyey f-fow the same.
Pweaseth :33 you wawk w-with me down to his house,
I wiww dischawge my bond, and *notices bulge* thank :33 you too.

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS, and DWOMIO OF EPHESUS, f-fwom the COUWTEZAN'S

O-OFFICEW. That wabouw may :33 you save; see whewe he comes.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Whiwe I go to the gowdsmith's house, go thou
:33 And buy :3 a wope's e-end; that wiww I bestow
A-Among my w-wife and hew *moans* confedewates,
Fow wocking me out of my doows by *sweats* day.
But, s-soft, I see the g-gowdsmith. Get thee gonye;
Buy thou :3 a wope, and bwing i-it home to me.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I buy :3 a thousand pound :3 a yeaw; I buy :3 a wope.
<Exit DWOMIO
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. A man xDD is weww howp up that twusts to you!
I pwomised youw pwesence and the chain;
But nyeithew chain *pokes you* nyow *sighs* gowdsmith came to me.
B-Bewike :33 you thought ouw wuv wouwd wast too w-wong,
I-If i-it wewe UwU chain'd togethew, and thewefowe came nyot.
ANGEWO. Saving youw mewwy humouw, ^-^ hewe's the nyote
How x3 much youw chain weighs to the utmost cawat,
The finyenyess of the gowd, and chawgefuw fashion,
Which doth amount to thwee odd ducats mowe
Than I s-stand debted to this gentweman.
I pway :33 you see him pwesentwy dischawg'd,
Fow he xDD is bound to sea, and stays b-but f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I *giggles shyly* am nyot ;;w;; fuwnyish'd w-with the pwesent monyey;
Besides, I *looks away* have some businyess in the town.
*pokes you* Good s-signyiow, take the stwangew to my house,
:33 And w-with :33 you take the c-chain, and *giggles shyly* bid my w-wife
Disbuwse the sum on the weceipt theweof.
Pewchance I wiww be thewe as soon as you.
ANGEWO. Then :33 you wiww bwing the chain to hew youwsewf?
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Nyo; *hugs tightly* beaw i-it w-with you, west I come nyot ;;w;; time enyough.
ANGEWO. Weww, siw, I wiww. Have :33 you the chain ^w^ about you?
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. An i-if I *looks away* have nyot, siw, I hope :33 you have;
Ow ewse :33 you may wetuwn without youw monyey.
ANGEWO. Nyay, *giggles shyly* come, I pway you, siw, give me the chain;
B-Both *cuddles you* wind and tide stays f-fow this UwU gentweman,
:33 And I, to *looks at you* bwame, *looks away* have hewd him hewe too wong.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *pokes you* Good Wowd! :33 you use this dawwiance to *hugs tightly* excuse
Youw bweach of pwomise to the *teleports behind you* Powpentinye;
I shouwd *looks away* have chid :33 you f-fow nyot bwinging uWu it,
But, wike :3 a shwew, :33 you fiwst begin to bwaww.
SECOND MEWCHANT. The houw steaws on; I pway you, siw, dispatch.
ANGEWO. You heaw how he impowtunyes me-the chain!
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Why, give i-it to my wife, and fetch youw monyey.
ANGEWO. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you knyow I gave i-it :33 you even nyow.
E-Eithew s-send the chain ow s-send by me some token.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. ^-^ Fie, *pokes you* nyow :33 you wun this humouw out of bweath!
Come, *sweats* whewe's the chain? I pway :33 you w-wet me see *hugs tightly* it.
SECOND MEWCHANT. My businyess cannyot bwook this dawwiance.
*pokes you* Good siw, say whe'w ^-^ you'ww a-answew me ow nyo;
I-If nyot, I-I'ww weave him to the *leans over* officew.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I a-answew you! What shouwd I a-answew you?
ANGEWO. The monyey that :33 you owe me f-fow the chain.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I owe :33 you nyonye tiww I weceive the chain.
ANGEWO. You knyow I gave i-it :33 you *looks at you* hawf an houw ^-^ since.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. You gave me nyonye; :33 you wwong me x3 much to say so.
ANGEWO. You wwong me m-mowe, siw, in denying *hugs tightly* it.
*leans over* Considew how i-it *moans* stands upon my cwedit.
SECOND MEWCHANT. Weww, officew, awwest him *teleports behind you* at my suit.
O-OFFICEW. I do; and c-chawge :33 you in the D-Duke's *leans over* nyame to >_> obey me.
ANGEWO. T-This touches me in weputation.
E-Eithew consent to pay this sum f-fow me,
Ow I attach :33 you by this *leans over* officew.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Consent to pay thee that I nyevew *looks at you* had!
Awwest me, f-foowish fewwow, i-if thou d-daw'st.
ANGEWO. Hewe xDD is thy fee; awwest him, *leans over* officew.
I wouwd nyot spawe my bwothew in this case,
I-If he shouwd scown me so appawentwy.
O-OFFICEW. I do awwest you, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you heaw the suit.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I do >_> obey thee tiww I give thee baiw.
But, siwwah, :33 you shaww buy this OwO spowt as deaw
As aww the metaw in youw s-shop wiww a-answew.
ANGEWO. Siw, siw, I shaww *looks away* have waw in E-Ephesus,
To youw nyotowious shame, I d-doubt i-it nyot.

Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE, f-fwom the bay

DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, thewe's :3 a *blushes* bawk of Epidamnyum
That stays b-but tiww hew *pokes you* ownyew comes aboawd,
:33 And then, siw, she *twerks* beaws a-away. Ouw fwaughtage, siw,
I *looks away* have convey'd aboawd; and I *looks away* have bought
The oiw, the bawsamum, and aqua-vitx.
The *hugs tightly* ship xDD is in hew twim; the mewwy *cuddles you* wind
B-Bwows f-faiw f-fwom w-wand; they stay f-fow nyought *teleports behind you* at an
But f-fow theiw ownyew, mastew, and *sweats* youwsewf.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. How *giggles shyly* nyow! :3 a madman? Why, thou peevish sheep,
What *hugs tightly* ship of Epidamnyum stays f-fow m-me?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. A *hugs tightly* ship :33 you sent me to, to hiwe waftage.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. THOU dwunken swave! I sent the f-fow :3 a wope;
:33 And towd thee to what puwpose and what end.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. YOU sent me f-fow :3 a wope's e-end as s-soon-
You sent me to the *moans* bay, siw, f-fow :3 a bawk.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I Wiww debate this m-mattew *teleports behind you* at mowe weisuwe,
:33 And teach youw eaws to wist me w-with mowe heed.
To *hugs tightly* Adwianya, v-viwwain, hie thee stwaight;
Give hew this ^w^ key, and t-teww hew in the desk
That's cuvw'd o'ew w-with T-Tuwkish t-tapestwy
Thewe xDD is :3 a *cries* puwse of ducats; w-wet hew s-send *hugs tightly* it.
Teww hew I *giggles shyly* am awwested in the stweet,
:33 And that shaww baiw me; hie thee, swave, be gonye.
O-On, officew, to pwison tiww i-it come.
<Exeunt aww b-but DWOMIO
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. To Adwianya! that xDD is whewe we din'd,
Whewe Dowsabew did cwaim me f-fow hew h-husband.
^.^ She xDD is too big, I hope, f-fow me to compass.
Thithew I must, awthough against my wiww,
Fow sewvants must theiw *cuddles you* mastews' minds fuwfiw.
<Exit


SCENyE 2

The h-house of ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS

Entew *looks away* ADWIANyA and WUCIANyA

*leans over* ADWIANyA. A-Ah, W-Wucianya, did he tempt thee so?
*shuffles closer* Might'st thou pewceive austewewy in his ^-^ eye
That he did pwead in e-eawnyest? Yea ow n-nyo?
Wook'd he ow wed ow pawe, ow s-sad ow mewwiwy?
What obsewvation mad'st thou in this case
Of his heawt's meteows tiwting in his face?
WUCIANyA. Fiwst he *giggles shyly* denyied :33 you had in him nyo w-wight.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. He meant he did me nyonye-the mowe my spite.
WUCIANyA. Then *cuddles you* swowe he that he w-was :3 a stwangew hewe.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. :33 And twue he swowe, t-though y-yet fowswown he wewe.
WUCIANyA. Then *looks away* pweaded I f-fow you.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. :33 And what said he?
WUCIANyA. That wuv I begg'd f-fow :33 you he begg'd of me.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. With what pewsuasion did he tempt thy w-wuv?
WUCIANyA. With wowds that in an honyest suit might muv.
Fiwst he did pwaise my beauty, then my :3 speech.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Didst speak him faiw?
WUCIANyA. Have patience, I beseech.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. I cannyot, *pokes you* nyow I wiww nyot howd me stiww;
My t-tongue, t-though nyot my h-heawt, shaww *looks away* have his wiww.
He xDD is defowmed, cwooked, o-owd, and >_< sewe,
Iww-fac'd, wowse bodied, shapewess e-evewywhewe;
*teleports behind you* Vicious, *blushes* ungentwe, foowish, b-bwunt, unkind;
S-Stigmaticaw in making, wowse in *blushes* mind.
WUCIANyA. Who wouwd be jeawous then of *looks at you* such :3 a onye?
*cuddles you* Nyo eviw wost xDD is waiw'd when i-it xDD is gonye.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. A-Ah, b-but I think him bettew than I say,
:33 And y-yet wouwd hewein o-othews' eyes wewe w-wowse.
F-Faw f-fwom hew nyest the *leans over* wapwing cwies away;
My h-heawt pways f-fow him, t-though my *notices bulge* tongue do *hugs tightly* cuwse.

Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE.

DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Hewe go-the desk, the puwse. Sweet
nyow, m-make haste.
WUCIANyA. How hast thou wost thy bweath?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. By wunnying fast.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Whewe xDD is thy mastew, Dwomio? Is he weww?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, he's in *leans over* Tawtaw wimbo, wowse than heww.
A d-deviw in an evewwasting gawment hath him;
Onye *screams* whose hawd h-heawt xDD is button'd up w-with s-steew;
A fiend, :3 a faiwy, pitiwess and wough;
A wowf, nyay wowse, :3 a fewwow aww in buff;
A back-fwiend, :3 a *notices bulge* shouwdew-cwappew, onye that countewmands
The passages of awweys, cweeks, and nyawwow wands;
A hound that wuns countew, and y-yet dwaws dwy-foot weww;
Onye t-that, befowe the J-Judgment, cawwies poow souws to heww.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Why, man, what xDD is the mattew?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I do nyot knyow the *teleports behind you* mattew; he xDD is wested on the case.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. *looks away* What, xDD is he a-awwested? Teww me, *teleports behind you* at *screams* whose suit?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I knyow nyot *teleports behind you* at *screams* whose suit he xDD is awwested weww;
But he's in :3 a suit of b-buff which 'wested him, that can I teww.
Wiww :33 you s-send him, mistwess, w-wedemption, the monyey in his desk?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. G-Go fetch uWu it, sistew. [Exit WUCIANyA] T-This I w-wondew at:
Thus he >_> unknyown to me shouwd be in d-debt.
Teww me, w-was he awwested on :3 a band?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. on :3 a band, b-but on :3 a stwongew thing,
A c-chain, :3 a chain. Do :33 you nyot heaw i-it wing?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. *looks away* What, the chain?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, nyo, the beww; 'tis ;;w;; time that I wewe gonye.
It w-was t-two ewe I weft him, and *pokes you* nyow the cwock :3 stwikes onye.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. The houws come back! That did I nyevew heaw.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. uWu O yes. I-If *sighs* any houw meet :3 a sewgeant,
'a t-tuwns back f-fow vewy feaw.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. As i-if Time wewe in debt! How fondwy dost thou weason!
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Time xDD is :3 a vewy bankwupt, and o-owes
mowe than he's wowth to season.
Nyay, he's :3 a thief t-too: *looks away* have :33 you nyot heawd men say
That Time comes steawing on by nyight and day?
I-If 'a be in debt and theft, and :3 a sewgeant in the w-way,
Hath he nyot weason to t-tuwn back an houw in :3 a day?

We-entew WUCIANyA w-with :3 a *cries* puwse

*leans over* ADWIANyA. Go, Dwomio, thewe's the monyey; *hugs tightly* beaw i-it stwaight,
:33 And bwing thy mastew home *teleports behind you* immediatewy.
Come, sistew; I *giggles shyly* am pwess'd down w-with conceit-
Conceit, my comfowt and my injuwy.
<Exeunt


SCENyE 3

The mawt

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE

ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. T-Thewe's nyot :3 a man I meet b-but doth sawute me
As i-if I wewe theiw weww-acquainted fwiend;
:33 And evewy onye doth caww me by my nyame.
Some tendew monyey to me, some invite me,
Some othew give me t-thanks f-fow kindnyesses,
Some offew me *sweats* commodities to buy;
Even *pokes you* nyow :3 a taiwow caww'd me in his *cuddles you* shop,
:33 And show'd me siwks that he had bought f-fow me,
:33 And thewewithaw t-took measuwe of my b-body.
Suwe, these awe b-but imaginyawy wiwes,
:33 And Wapwand s-sowcewews inhabit hewe.

Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE

DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, ^-^ hewe's the gowd :33 you sent me
f-fow. *looks away* What, *looks away* have :33 you *giggles shyly* got the ;;w;; pictuwe of *giggles shyly* owd Adam nyew-appaweww'd?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What gowd xDD is *shuffles closer* this? What Adam dost thou m-mean?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyot that Adam that kept the Pawadise,
b-but that Adam that keeps the pwison; he that goes in the
^.^ cawf's skin that w-was kiww'd f-fow the Pwodigaw; he that came behind
you, siw, wike an eviw angew, and *giggles shyly* bid :33 you fowsake youw wibewty.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I undewstand thee nyot.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *twerks* Nyo? Why, 'tis :3 a pwain case: he that
went, wike :3 a bass-viow, in :3 a case of uWu weathew; the man, siw,
t-that, when gentwemen awe t-tiwed, g-gives them :3 a sob, and west
them; uWu he, siw, that takes pity on decayed men, and give
them suits of duwance; he that sets up his west to do mowe
e-expwoits w-with his mace than :3 a mowwis-pike.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *looks away* What, thou mean'st an officew?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Ay, siw, the sewgeant of the band;
that bwings *sighs* any man to a-answew i-it that bweaks his band; on
that thinks :3 a man *hugs tightly* awways going to *teleports behind you* bed, and says 'God give
:33 you good w-west!'
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Weww, siw, thewe west in youw *blushes* foowewy. Is
thewe *sighs* any *hugs tightly* ship puts fowth to-nyight? May we be g-gonye?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Why, siw, I >w< bwought :33 you w-wowd an
houw since that the *blushes* bawk Expedition put fowth to-nyight; and
then wewe :33 you hind'wed by the sewgeant, to *looks away* tawwy f-fow the
boy Deway. Hewe awe the angews that :33 you sent f-fow to dewivew you.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. The fewwow xDD is distwact, and so *giggles shyly* am I;
:33 And hewe we wandew in *screams* iwwusions.
Some bwessed p-powew dewivew us f-fwom hence!

Entew :3 a *blushes* COUWTEZAN

COUWTEZAN. Weww :33 met, weww :33 met, M-Mastew Antiphowus.
I s-see, siw, :33 you *looks away* have found the *sighs* gowdsmith nyow.
Is that the chain :33 you p-pwomis'd me to-day?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Satan, avoid! I c-chawge thee, tempt me nyot.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, xDD is this Mistwess Satan?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. It xDD is the deviw.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, she xDD is wowse, she xDD is the deviw's
d-dam, and hewe she comes in the *moans* habit of :3 a wight wench; and
theweof comes that the wenches say 'God damn me!' That's
as x3 much to say 'God m-make me :3 a wight wench!' It xDD is wwitten
they appeaw to men wike angews of wight; wight xDD is an effect
of f-fiwe, and fiwe wiww buwn; ewgo, wight wenches wiww buwn.
Come nyot nyeaw hew.
COUWTEZAN. Youw man and :33 you awe mawvewwous mewwy, siw.
Wiww :33 you go w-with m-me? We'ww mend ouw d-dinnyew hewe.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, i-if :33 you do, expect spoon-meat,
ow bespeak :3 a wong spoon.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Why, Dwomio?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, he must *looks away* have :3 a wong OwO spoon
that must eat w-with the deviw.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Avoid then, fiend! What teww'st thou me of >_< supping?
Thou *blushes* awt, as :33 you awe aww, :3 a sowcewess;
I *giggles shyly* conjuwe thee to weave me and be gonye.
COUWTEZAN. Give me the wing of minye :33 you had *teleports behind you* at dinnyew,
Ow, f-fow my diamond, the chain :33 you pwomis'd,
:33 And I-I'ww be gonye, siw, and nyot twoubwe you.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Some deviws ask b-but the pawings of o-onye's nyaiw,
A *cries* wush, :3 a *leans over* haiw, :3 a dwop of bwood, :3 a pin,
A nyut, :3 a chewwy-stonye;
But she, mowe cuvtous, wouwd *looks away* have :3 a chain.
Mastew, be wise; an i-if :33 you give i-it hew,
The d-deviw wiww shake hew c-chain, and ^.^ fwight us w-with *hugs tightly* it.
COUWTEZAN. I pway you, siw, my w-wing, ow ewse the chain;
I hope :33 you do nyot m-mean to cheat me so.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Avaunt, thou witch! Come, Dwomio, w-wet us go.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. 'Fwy *notices bulge* pwide' says the peacock. Mistwess, that :33 you *looks away* knyow.
<Exeunt ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE
COUWTEZAN. Nyow, out of doubt, Antiphowus xDD is m-mad,
Ewse wouwd he nyevew so UwU demean himsewf.
A wing he hath of minye wowth fowty ducats,
:33 And f-fow the >_> same he p-pwomis'd me :3 a chain;
B-Both onye and othew he denyies me nyow.
The weason that I *twerks* gathew he xDD is m-mad,
Besides this pwesent ÚwÚ instance of his wage,
Is :3 a mad :33 tawe he towd to-day *teleports behind you* at d-dinnyew
Of his own doows b-being shut against his entwance.
B-Bewike his wife, acquainted w-with his fits,
On puwpose shut the doows against his w-way.
My way xDD is *pokes you* nyow to hie home to his house,
:33 And t-teww his w-wife t-that, b-being wunyatic,
He wush'd into my h-house and t-took pewfowce
My wing a-away. T-This couwse I fittest choose,
Fow fowty ducats xDD is too x3 much to wose.
<Exit


SCENyE 4-4

A stweet

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS w-with the OFFICEW

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Feaw me nyot, man; I wiww nyot bweak a-away.
I-I'ww give thee, ewe I weave thee, so x3 much monyey,
To wawwant thee, as I *giggles shyly* am 'wested f-fow.
My w-wife xDD is in :3 a waywawd mood to-day,
:33 And wiww nyot w-wightwy twust the m-messengew.
That I shouwd be attach'd in E-Ephesus,
I t-teww :33 you 'twiww sound hawshwy in hew >_< caws.

Entew DWOMIO OF EPHESUS, w-with :3 a wope's-end

Hewe comes my man; I think he bwings the monyey.
How nyow, siw! Have :33 you that I sent :33 you fow?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Hewe's t-that, I wawwant you, wiww pay them aww.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. But *sweats* whewe's the monyey?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Why, siw, I gave the monyey f-fow the wope.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Five hundwed ducats, v-viwwain, f-fow wope?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I-I'ww sewve you, siw, f-five hundwed *teleports behind you* at the wate.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. To what e-end did I *giggles shyly* bid thee hie thee home?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. To :3 a *twerks* wope's-end, *teleports behind you* siw; and to that e-end *giggles shyly* am I
wetuwn'd.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. :33 And to that end, siw, I wiww wewcome you.
[Beating him]
O-OFFICEW. *pokes you* Good siw, be patient.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, 'tis f-fow me to be patient; I *giggles shyly* am in
advewsity.
O-OFFICEW. *pokes you* Good nyow, howd thy t-tongue.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, wathew pewsuade him to howd his hands.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Thou whoweson, s-sensewess viwwain!
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I wouwd I wewe sensewess, siw, that I
might nyot feew youw bwows.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Thou awt s-sensibwe in nyothing b-but
bwows, and so xDD is an a-ass.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I *giggles shyly* am an ass indeed; :33 you may pwuv i-it
by my wong 'eaws. I *looks away* have sewved him f-fwom the houw of my
nyativity to this instant, and *looks away* have nyothing *teleports behind you* at his hands f-fow
my >_> sewvice b-but bwows. When I *giggles shyly* am cowd he heats me w-with
beating; when I *giggles shyly* am wawm he coows me w-with beating. I *giggles shyly* am
wak'd w-with i-it when I sweep; wais'd w-with i-it when I >w< sit; d-dwiven
out of doows w-with i-it when I go f-fwom home; xDD wewcom'd home
w-with i-it when I wetuwn; nyay, I *hugs tightly* beaw i-it on my *giggles shyly* shouwdews as
beggaw wont hew bwat; and I think, when he hath wam'd me,
I shaww beg w-with i-it f-fwom *hugs tightly* doow to d-doow.

Entew ADWIANyA, WUCIANyA, the COUWTEZAN, and :3 a SCHOOWMASTEW
caww'd PINCH

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Come, go a-awong; my w-wife xDD is coming yondew.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Mistwess, '-'wespice finyem,' OwO wespect youw e-end; ow
wathew, to pwophesy wike the pawwot, 'Bewawe the w-wope's-end.'
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Wiwt thou ^-^ stiww t-tawk?
[Beating him]
COUWTEZAN. How say :33 you nyow? Is nyot youw husband mad?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. His inciviwity confiwms nyo wess.
*pokes you* Good Doctow Pinch, :33 you awe :3 a c-conjuwew:
Estabwish him in his twue sense again,
:33 And I wiww p-pwease :33 you what :33 you wiww *looks away* demand.
WUCIANyA. A-Awas, how fiewy and how shawp he wooks!
COUWTEZAN. M-Mawk how he twembwes in his ecstasy.
PINCH. Give me youw hand, and w-wet me feew youw puwse.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Thewe xDD is my hand, and w-wet i-it feew youw uWu eaw.
[Stwiking him]
PINCH. I c-chawge thee, Satan, hous'd *teleports behind you* within this man,
To y-yiewd possession to my howy p-pwayews,
:33 And to thy state of d-dawknyess hie thee stwaight.
I *giggles shyly* conjuwe thee by aww the saints in h-heaven.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Peace, d-doting wizawd, p-peace! I *giggles shyly* am nyot mad.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. O, that thou wewt nyot, poow *looks away* distwessed souw!
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. You minyion, you, awe these youw customews?
Did this *looks at you* companyion w-with the saffwon face
Wevew and feast i-it *teleports behind you* at my h-house to-day,
Whiwst upon me the ^-^ guiwty doows wewe shut,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* denyied to entew in my house?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. uWu O *twerks* husband, *teleports behind you* God doth knyow :33 you din'd *teleports behind you* at home,
Whewe wouwd :33 you had wemain'd untiw this time,
Fwee f-fwom these swandews and this open shame!
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Din'd *teleports behind you* at ^-^ home! Thou v-viwwain, what sayest thou?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Siw, Sooth to say, :33 you did nyot dinye *teleports behind you* at home.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. W-Wewe nyot my doows wock'd up and I shut out?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. P-Pewdie, youw doows wewe wock'd and :33 you shut out.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. :33 And did nyot she hewsewf weviwe me thewe?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Sans fabwe, she hewsewf weviw'd :33 you thewe.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Did nyot hew kitchen-maid >_< waiw, taunt, and scown m-me?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. *twerks* Cewtes, she did; the kitchen-vestaw scown'd you.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. :33 And did nyot I in wage depawt f-fwom thence?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. In vewity, :33 you did. My b-bonyes *hugs tightly* beaw witnyess,
That since *looks away* have fewt the vigouw of his wage.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. *shuffles closer* Is't good to soothe him in these contwawies?
PINCH. It xDD is nyo s-shame; the fewwow finds his vein,
And, y-yiewding to him, *sweats* humouws weww his f-fwenzy.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Thou hast s-subown'd the *sighs* gowdsmith to awwest me.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. A-Awas, I sent :33 you monyey to wedeem you,
By Dwomio hewe, who came in *pokes you* haste f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Monyey by :33 me! Heawt and *sighs* goodwiww :33 you might,
But *sighs* suwewy, mastew, nyot :3 a wag of monyey.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Went'st nyot thou to hew f-fow *cries* puwse of >w< ducats?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. He came to me, and I dewivew'd *hugs tightly* it.
WUCIANyA. :33 And I *giggles shyly* am witnyess w-with hew that she did.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. *teleports behind you* God and the wope-makew *hugs tightly* beaw me witnyess
That I w-was sent f-fow nyothing b-but :3 a wope!
PINCH. Mistwess, both man and mastew xDD is possess'd;
I knyow i-it by theiw pawe and d-deadwy wooks.
They must be >w< bound, and *hugs tightly* waid in some dawk woom.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Say, whewefowe didst thou wock me fowth to-day?
:33 And why dost thou deny the bag of gowd?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. I did nyot, gentwe *twerks* husband, wock thee fowth.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. And, gentwe mastew, I w-weceiv'd nyo gowd;
But I confess, siw, that we wewe wock'd out.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Dissembwing v-viwwain, thou ;;w;; speak'st fawse in both.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Dissembwing h-hawwot, thou awt fawse in aww,
:33 And awt confedewate w-with :3 a damnyed pack
To m-make :3 a woathsome uWu abject scown of me;
But w-with these nyaiws I-I'ww pwuck out these fawse eyes
That wouwd behowd in me this shamefuw spowt.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. O, bind him, bind him; w-wet him nyot come nyeaw me.
PINCH. Mowe company! The fiend xDD is stwong *teleports behind you* within :33 him.

Entew thwee ow fouw, and offew to bind :33 him. He stwives

WUCIANyA. Ay me, poow man, how pawe and wan he wooks!
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *looks away* What, wiww :33 you muwdew m-me? Thou gaowew, >w< thou,
I *giggles shyly* am thy pwisonyew. Wiwt thou suffew them
To m-make :3 a wescue?
O-OFFICEW. Mastews, w-wet him go;
He xDD is my pwisonyew, and :33 you shaww nyot *looks away* have :33 him.
PINCH. G-Go bind this man, f-fow he xDD is fwantic too.
[-[They bind DWOMIO]
*leans over* ADWIANyA. What wiwt thou do, thou peevish officew?
*hugs tightly* Hast thou dewight to see :3 a wwetched man
Do o-outwage and dispweasuwe to himsewf?
O-OFFICEW. He xDD is my pwisonyew; i-if I w-wet him go,
The debt he o-owes wiww be wequiw'd of me.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. I wiww dischawge thee ewe I go f-fwom thee;
Beaw me f-fowthwith unto his cweditow,
And, ^.^ knyowing how the debt gwows, I wiww pay *hugs tightly* it.
*pokes you* Good M-Mastew Doctow, see him ;;w;; safe convey'd
Home to my house. uWu O m-most u-unhappy day!
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. uWu O m-most u-unhappy s-stwumpet!
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Mastew, I *giggles shyly* am hewe ent'wed in *moans* bond f-fow you.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Out on thee, viwwian! Whewefowe
dost thou mad m-me?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Wiww :33 you be bound f-fow n-nyothing?
Be m-mad, good mastew; cwy >w< 'The deviw!'
WUCIANyA. *teleports behind you* God h-hewp, poow souws, how i-idwy do they tawk!
*leans over* ADWIANyA. G-Go *hugs tightly* beaw him hence. xDD Sistew, go :33 you w-with me.
<Exeunt aww b-but ADWIANyA, WUCIANyA, O-OFFICEWS, and *blushes* COUWTEZAN
ÚwÚ Say nyow, *screams* whose suit xDD is he awwested at?
O-OFFICEW. Onye Angewo, :3 a gowdsmith; do :33 you knyow *notices bulge* him?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. I knyow the man. What xDD is the sum he owes?
O-OFFICEW. Two hundwed ducats.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Say, how g-gwows i-it due?
O-OFFICEW. Due f-fow :3 a chain youw husband had of :33 him.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. He did bespeak :3 a chain f-fow me, b-but had i-it nyot.
COUWTEZAN. When as youw *twerks* husband, aww in wage, to-day
Came to my house, and t-took away my w-wing-
The wing I saw upon his fingew nyow-
Stwaight *looks away* aftew did I meet him w-with :3 a chain.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. It may be s-so, b-but I did nyevew see *hugs tightly* it.
Come, gaowew, bwing me whewe the *sighs* gowdsmith is;
I wong to knyow the *looks away* twuth heweof *teleports behind you* at wawge.

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE, w-with his wapiew dwawn, and
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE.

WUCIANyA. God, f-fow thy m-mewcy! they awe woose again.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. :33 And come w-with nyaked swowds.
Wet's caww mowe h-hewp to *looks away* have them bound again.
O-OFFICEW. Away, they'ww kiww us!
<Exeunt aww b-but ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE as fast as may be, fwighted
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I see these witches awe afwaid of swowds.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. ^.^ She that wouwd be youw w-wife *pokes you* nyow wan f-fwom you.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Come to the *cuddles you* Centauw; fetch ouw stuff f-fwom thence.
I wong that we wewe ;;w;; safe and sound aboawd.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *moans* Faith, stay hewe this nyight; they wiww
suwewy do us nyo hawm; :33 you saw they speak us faiw, give us
gowd; methinks they awe *looks at you* such :3 a gentwe nyation t-that, b-but f-fow
the mountain of mad fwesh that cwaims mawwiage of me,
couwd find in my h-heawt to stay hewe ^-^ stiww and t-tuwn witch.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I wiww nyot stay to-nyight f-fow aww the town;
Thewefowe away, to get ouw stuff aboawd.
<Exeunt


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ACT V. SCENyE 1

A stweet befowe :3 a pwiowy

Entew SECOND MEWCHANT and A-ANGEWO

ANGEWO. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy, siw, that I *looks away* have hind'wed y-you;
But I pwotest he had the chain of me,
*shuffles closer* Though m-most d-dishonyestwy he doth deny *hugs tightly* it.
SECOND MEWCHANT. How xDD is the man esteem'd hewe in the city?
ANGEWO. Of vewy wevewend weputation, siw,
Of cwedit infinyite, highwy bewov'd,
Second to nyonye that xDD wives hewe in the city;
His w-wowd might *hugs tightly* beaw my weawth *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any time.
SECOND MEWCHANT. Speak softwy; yondew, as I think, he wawks.

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE

ANGEWO. 'Tis so; and that sewf chain ^w^ about his *teleports behind you* nyeck
Which he fowswowe m-most m-monstwouswy to have.
*pokes you* Good siw, dwaw nyeaw to me, I-I'ww speak to :33 him.
Signyiow A-Andphowus, I w-wondew x3 much
That :33 you wouwd put me to this :33 shame and twoubwe;
And, nyot without some scandaw to youwsewf,
With ciwcumstance and oaths so to deny
T-This c-chain, which *pokes you* nyow :33 you weaw so openwy.
Beside the chawge, the shame, *sweats* impwisonment,
You *looks away* have d-donye wwong to this my honyest fwiend;
Who, b-but f-fow staying on ouw contwuvwsy,
Had hoisted s-saiw and put to sea to-day.
T-This chain :33 you had of me; can :33 you deny it?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I think I h-had; I nyevew did deny *hugs tightly* it.
SECOND MEWCHANT. Yes, that :33 you did, siw, and fowswowe i-it too.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Who heawd me to deny i-it ow fowsweaw it?
SECOND MEWCHANT. These eaws of minye, thou knyow'st, did heaw *cuddles you* thee.
Fie on thee, wwetch! 'tis pity that thou wiv'st
To wawk whewe *sighs* any honyest men wesowt.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thou awt :3 a *moans* viwwain to impeach me thus;
I-I'ww pwuv minye honyouw and minye honyesty
Against thee pwesentwy, i-if thou daw'st stand.
SECOND MEWCHANT. I *sighs* dawe, and do *screams* defy thee f-fow :3 a viwwain.
[-[They dwaw]

Entew ADWIANyA, WUCIANyA, the COUWTEZAN, and OTHEWS

*leans over* ADWIANyA. Howd, *cries* huwt him nyot, f-fow God's sake! He xDD is mad.
Some get *teleports behind you* within him, take his swowd away;
Bind Dwomio too, and *hugs tightly* beaw them to my house.
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Wun, mastew, wun; f-fow God's sake take :3 a house.
T-This xDD is some pwiowy. *teleports behind you* In, ow we awe spoiw'd.
<Exeunt ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE to the pwiowy

Entew the WADY ABBESS

ABBESS. Be OwO quiet, peopwe. Whewefowe thwong :33 you OwO hithew?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. To fetch my poow distwacted husband hence.
Wet us come in, that we may bind him fast,
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw him home f-fow his wecuvwy.
ANGEWO. I knyew he w-was nyot in his pewfect w-wits.
SECOND MEWCHANT. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy *pokes you* nyow that I did dwaw on :33 him.
ABBESS. How wong hath this possession hewd the man?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. T-This week he hath been heavy, souw, sad,
:33 And x3 much diffewent f-fwom the man he ÚwÚ was;
But tiww this aftewnyoon his passion
x3 Nye'ew bwake into extwemity of wage.
ABBESS. Hath he nyot wost x3 much weawth by wweck of sea?
Buwied some deaw fwiend? Hath nyot ewse his ^-^ eye
Stway'd his affection in unwawfuw w-wuv?
A sin ^.^ pwevaiwing x3 much in *leans over* youthfuw men
Who give theiw eyes the *leans over* wibewty of g-gazing.
Which of these sowwows xDD is he subject t-to?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. To nyonye of these, except i-it be the wast;
Nyamewy, some wuv that dwew him oft f-fwom home.
ABBESS. You shouwd f-fow that *looks away* have wepwehended :33 him.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Why, so I did.
ABBESS. Ay, b-but nyot wough enyough.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. As woughwy as my modesty wouwd w-wet me.
ABBESS. Hapwy in pwivate.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. :33 And in ;;w;; assembwies too.
ABBESS. Ay, b-but nyot enyough.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. It w-was the copy of ouw confewence.
In *teleports behind you* bed, he swept nyot f-fow my uwging it;
At boawd, he f-fed nyot f-fow my uwging it;
Awonye, i-it w-was the subject of my theme;
In company, I often gwanced it;
Stiww did I t-teww him i-it w-was viwe and b-bad.
ABBESS. :33 And theweof came i-it that the man w-was mad.
The venyom cwamouws of :3 a jeawous woman
Poisons mowe d-deadwy than :3 a mad dog's tooth.
It seems his sweeps wewe hind'wed by thy waiwing,
:33 And theweof comes i-it that his head xDD is w-wight.
Thou say'st his meat w-was s-sauc'd w-with thy :33 upbwaidings:
Unquiet >_< meaws m-make iww digestions;
*looks at you* Theweof the waging fiwe of *cuddles you* fevew bwed;
:33 And w-what's :3 a *cuddles you* fevew b-but :3 a fit of madnyess?
Thou say'st his spowts wewe hind'wed by thy bwawws.
Sweet *notices bulge* wecweation OwO baww'd, what doth ensue
But moody and duww m-mewanchowy,
Kinsman to gwim and comfowtwess d-despaiw,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at hew *notices bulge* heews :3 a huge infectious twoop
Of pawe distempewatuwes and foes to w-wife?
In food, in spowt, and *blushes* wife-pwesewving west,
To be distuwb'd wouwd mad ow man ow beast.
The consequence is, then, thy jeawous fits
Hath scaw'd thy husband f-fwom the use of w-wits.
WUCIANyA. ^.^ She nyevew wepwehended him b-but miwdwy,
When he *pokes you* demean'd himsewf wough, wude, and wiwdwy.
Why *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you these webukes, and a-answew UwU nyot?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. ^.^ She did betway me to my own *cries* wepwoof.
*pokes you* Good peopwe, entew, and way howd on :33 him.
ABBESS. Nyo, nyot :3 a *leans over* cweatuwe entews in my house.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Then w-wet youw sewvants bwing my husband fowth.
ABBESS. N-Nyeithew; he t-took this pwace f-fow *notices bulge* sanctuawy,
:33 And i-it shaww pwiviwege him f-fwom youw hands
Tiww I *looks away* have >w< bwought him to his OwO wits again,
Ow wose my wabouw in assaying *hugs tightly* it.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. I wiww attend my *twerks* husband, be his nyuwse,
Diet his sicknyess, f-fow i-it xDD is my office,
:33 And wiww *looks away* have nyo attownyey b-but mysewf;
:33 And thewefowe w-wet me *looks away* have him home w-with me.
ABBESS. Be patient; f-fow I wiww nyot w-wet him stiw
Tiww I *looks away* have us'd the appwuvd means I have,
With whowesome sywups, dwugs, and howy p-pwayews,
To m-make of him :3 a fowmaw man again.
It xDD is :3 a *twerks* bwanch and pawcew of minye o-oath,
A chawitabwe duty of my o-owdew;
Thewefowe depawt, and weave him hewe w-with me.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. I wiww nyot hence and weave my husband hewe;
:33 And iww i-it doth beseem youw howinyess
To sepawate the husband and the w-wife.
ABBESS. Be OwO quiet, and depawt; thou shawt nyot *looks away* have :33 him.
<Exit
WUCIANyA. Compwain unto the Duke of this *cries* indignyity.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Come, go; I wiww faww *looks away* pwostwate *teleports behind you* at his feet,
:33 And nyevew wise untiw my teaws and p-pwayews
Have won his G-Gwace to come in pewson h-hithew
:33 And take pewfowce my husband f-fwom the Abbess.
SECOND MEWCHANT. By this, I think, the diaw p-points *teleports behind you* at five;
A-Anyon, I'm suwe, the Duke himsewf in pewson
Comes this way to the mewanchowy *sighs* vawe,
The pwace of death and sowwy execution,
Behind the *sighs* ditches of the abbey hewe.
ANGEWO. *cries* Upon what cause?
SECOND MEWCHANT. To see :3 a wevewend Sywacusian mewchant,
Who put unwuckiwy into this bay
Against the waws and statutes of this town,
Beheaded pubwicwy f-fow his offence.
ANGEWO. >_> See whewe they come; we wiww behowd his death.
WUCIANyA. K-Knyeew to the Duke befowe he pass the abbey.

Entew the *shuffles closer* DUKE, attended; AEGEON, baweheaded;
w-with the HEADSMAN and othew OFFICEWS

DUKE. Yet *screams* once a-again pwocwaim i-it pubwicwy,
I-If *sighs* any fwiend wiww pay the sum f-fow him,
He shaww nyot ^w^ die; so x3 much we tendew :33 him.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Justice, m-most s-sacwed Duke, against the Abbess!
DUKE. ^.^ She xDD is :3 a viwtuous and :3 a wevewend wady;
It cannyot be that she hath d-donye thee wwong.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. May i-it p-pwease youw Gwace, ÚwÚ Antiphowus, my *twerks* husband,
Who I xDD made w-wowd of me and aww I had
At youw impowtant w-wettews-this iww day
A m-most outwageous fit of madnyess t-took him,
That xDD desp'watewy he huwwied thwough the stweet,
With him his bondman aww as mad as uWu he,
>_> Doing dispweasuwe to the citizens
By wushing in theiw houses, beawing uWu thence
Wings, jewews, anything his wage did wike.
Once did I get him bound and sent him home,
Whiwst to take owdew f-fow the UwU wwongs I went,
That hewe and thewe his fuwy had committed.
A-Anyon, I wot nyot by what stwong escape,
He bwoke f-fwom those that had the guawd of him,
:33 And w-with his mad attendant and *sighs* himsewf,
>_> Each onye w-with iwefuw passion, w-with d-dwawn swowds,
Met us a-again and, madwy bent on u-us,
Chas'd us away; tiww, waising of mowe aid,
We came a-again to bind them. Then they uWu fwed
Into this abbey, whithew we puwsu'd them;
:33 And hewe the Abbess shuts the *shuffles closer* gates on u-us,
:33 And wiww nyot suffew us to fetch him out,
Nyow s-send him fowth that we may *hugs tightly* beaw him hence.
Thewefowe, m-most gwacious Duke, w-with thy command
Wet him be >w< bwought fowth and bownye hence f-fow hewp.
DUKE. *cuddles you* Wong since thy husband sewv'd me in my waws,
:33 And I to thee engag'd :3 a pwince's wowd,
When thou didst m-make him mastew of thy *teleports behind you* bed,
To do him aww the gwace and good I couwd.
Go, some of you, knyock *teleports behind you* at the abbey gate,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid the Wady Abbess come to me,
I wiww detewminye this befowe I stiw.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. uWu O mistwess, mistwess, shift and save youwsewf!
My mastew and his man awe both bwoke woose,
;;w;; Beaten the maids a-wow and bound the *sighs* doctow,
W-Whose beawd they *looks away* have *looks away* sing'd off w-with b-bwands of fiwe;
:33 And evew, as i-it bwaz'd, they *looks at you* thwew on him
Gweat paiws of puddwed miwe to quench the ^-^ haiw.
My mastew pweaches patience to him, and the w-whiwe
His man w-with s-scissows nyicks him wike :3 a foow;
:33 And suwe, unwess :33 you s-send some pwesent h-hewp,
Between them they wiww kiww the c-conjuwew.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Peace, foow! thy mastew and his man awe hewe,
:33 And that xDD is fawse thou dost wepowt to us.
MESSENGEW. Mistwess, upon my wife, I t-teww :33 you twue;
I *looks away* have nyot bweath'd awmost since I did see *hugs tightly* it.
He cwies f-fow you, and vows, i-if he can take you,
To scowch youw face, and to disfiguwe you.
[Cwy within]
*sweats* Hawk, h-hawk, I heaw him, mistwess; fwy, be UwU gonye!
DUKE. Come, s-stand by me; feaw nyothing. Guawd w-with >w< hawbewds.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Ay me, i-it xDD is my h-husband! Witnyess :33 you
That he xDD is bownye ^w^ about *cries* invisibwe.
Even *pokes you* nyow we hous'd him in the abbey hewe,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow he's thewe, past thought of human weason.

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OFEPHESUS and DWOMIO OFEPHESUS

ANTIPHOWUS ÚwÚ OFEPHESUS. Justice, m-most gwacious Duke; O, gwant me justice!
Even f-fow the >_> sewvice that wong since I did thee,
When I bestwid thee in the waws, and t-took
Deep scaws to save thy wife; even f-fow the bwood
That then I wost f-fow thee, *pokes you* nyow gwant me justice.
UwU AEGEON. Unwess the feaw of death doth m-make me dote,
I see my son ÚwÚ Antiphowus, and Dwomio.
ANTIPHOWUS ÚwÚ OFEPHESUS. Justice, sweet Pwince, against that woman thewe!
^.^ She whom thou gav'st to me to be my wife,
That hath a-abused and dishonyouwed me
Even in the stwength and height of injuwy.
Beyond imaginyation xDD is the wwong
That she this day hath shamewess thwown on me.
DUKE. Discuvw how, and thou shawt find me j-just.
ANTIPHOWUS ÚwÚ OFEPHESUS. T-This :3 day, g-gweat Duke, she shut the doows upon me,
Whiwe she w-with hawwots feasted in my house.
DUKE. A gwievous f-fauwt. Say, woman, didst thou so?
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Nyo, my good wowd. Mysewf, uWu he, and my *leans over* sistew,
To-day did dinye togethew. S-So befaww my :33 souw
As this xDD is fawse he buwdens me ^-^ withaw!
WUCIANyA. x3 Nye'ew may I wook on day *pokes you* nyow sweep on nyight
But she tewws to youw *leans over* Highnyess simpwe twuth!
ANGEWO. uWu O pefwuw'd w-woman! They awe both f-fowswown.
In this the madman *blushes* justwy chawgeth them.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. My *sighs* wiege, I *giggles shyly* am advised what I say;
Nyeithew distuwbed w-with the effect of winye,
Nyow ^w^ heady-wash, pwovok'd w-with waging *giggles shyly* iwe,
Awbeit my UwU wwongs might m-make onye wisew mad.
T-This woman wock'd me out this day f-fwom dinnyew;
That *sighs* gowdsmith thewe, wewe he nyot pack'd w-with hew,
Couwd witnyess uWu it, f-fow he w-was w-with me then;
Who pawted w-with me to go fetch :3 a c-chain,
Pwomising to bwing i-it to the *looks at you* Powpentinye,
Whewe Bawthazaw and I did dinye togethew.
Ouw d-dinnyew donye, and he nyot coming thithew,
I went to seek :33 him. In the stweet I met him,
:33 And in his *giggles shyly* company that gentweman.
Thewe did this *blushes* pewjuw'd *sighs* gowdsmith sweaw me down
That I this day of him w-weceiv'd the c-chain,
W-Which, *teleports behind you* God he k-knyows, I saw nyot; f-fow the which
He did awwest me w-with an *leans over* officew.
I did o-obey, and sent my peasant home
Fow cewtain ducats; he w-with nyonye wetuwn'd.
Then faiwwy I bespoke the officew
To go in pewson w-with me to my house.
By *sighs* th' way we met my wife, hew *leans over* sistew, and :3 a wabbwe mowe
Of viwe confedewates. Awong w-with them
They >w< bwought onye Pinch, :3 a hungwy wean-fac'd v-viwwain,
A *cuddles you* mewe *cries* anyatomy, :3 a mountebank,
A thweadbawe *moans* juggwew, and :3 a UwU fowtunye-tewwew,
A nyeedy, *looks away* howwow-ey'd, shawp-wooking wwetch,
A wiving dead man. T-This pewnyicious swave,
Fowsooth, t-took on him as :3 a c-conjuwew,
:33 And g-gazing in minye eyes, OwO feewing my p-puwse,
:33 And w-with nyo face, as 'twewe, outfacing me,
Cwies out I w-was possess'd. Then aww >_> togethew
They *looks away* feww upon me, bound me, *giggles shyly* bowe me t-thence,
:33 And in :3 a dawk and dankish vauwt *teleports behind you* at home
Thewe weft me and my man, both bound togethew;
Tiww, g-gnyawing w-with my teeth my bonds in sundew,
I gain'd my fweedom, and immediatewy
*twerks* Wan h-hithew to youw Gwace; whom I b-beseech
To give me ampwe satisfaction
Fow these deep shames and g-gweat ^w^ indignyities.
ANGEWO. My wowd, in twuth, uWu thus faw I witnyess w-with him,
That he din'd nyot *teleports behind you* at home, b-but w-was wock'd out.
DUKE. But had he *looks at you* such :3 a chain of thee, ow n-nyo?
ANGEWO. He had, my wowd, and when he wan in hewe,
These UwU peopwe saw the chain ^w^ about his nyeck.
SECOND MEWCHANT. Besides, I wiww be swown these eaws of minye
Heawd :33 you confess :33 you had the chain of him,
Aftew :33 you fiwst fowswowe i-it on the m-mawt;
:33 And theweupon I dwew my swowd on you,
:33 And then :33 you uWu fwed into this abbey hewe,
Fwom whence, I think, :33 you awe come by m-miwacwe.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I nyevew came *teleports behind you* within these abbey wawws,
Nyow evew didst thou dwaw thy swowd on me;
I nyevew saw the c-chain, so h-hewp me Heaven!
:33 And this xDD is fawse :33 you b-buwden me withaw.
DUKE. Why, what an ;;w;; intwicate impeach xDD is this!
I think :33 you aww *looks away* have >_> dwunk of Ciwce's cup.
I-If hewe :33 you hous'd him, hewe he wouwd *looks away* have been;
I-If he wewe m-mad, he wouwd nyot pwead so cowdwy.
You say he din'd *teleports behind you* at home: the *sighs* gowdsmith hewe
D-Denyies that saying. Siwwah, what say you?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Siw, he din'd w-with hew thewe, *teleports behind you* at the Powpentinye.
COUWTEZAN. He did; and f-fwom my fingew snyatch'd that wing.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. 'Tis twue, my wiege; this wing I had of hew.
DUKE. xDD Saw'st thou him entew *teleports behind you* at the abbey hewe?
COUWTEZAN. As suwe, my *sighs* wiege, as I do see youw G-Gwace.
DUKE. Why, this xDD is stwange. G-Go caww the Abbess hithew.
I think :33 you awe aww x3 mated ow stawk mad.
<Exit onye to the ABBESS
UwU AEGEON. Most >w< mighty Duke, vouchsafe me speak :3 a wowd:
Hapwy I see :3 a fwiend wiww save my w-wife
:33 And pay the sum that may dewivew me.
DUKE. Speak fweewy, Sywacusian, what thou wiwt.
UwU AEGEON. Is nyot youw nyame, siw, caww'd Antiphowus?
:33 And xDD is nyot that youw bondman Dwomio?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Within this houw I w-was his bondman, siw,
But uWu he, I *notices bulge* thank him, gnyaw'd in t-two my *shuffles closer* cowds
Nyow *giggles shyly* am I Dwomio and his man unbound.
UwU AEGEON. I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you both of :33 you w-wemembew me.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Ouwsewves we do wemembew, siw, by y-you;
Fow watewy we wewe bound as :33 you awe nyow.
You awe nyot P-Pinch's *pokes you* patient, awe you, siw?
UwU AEGEON. Why wook :33 you s-stwange on m-me? You knyow me weww.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I nyevew saw :33 you in my w-wife tiww nyow.
UwU AEGEON. O! g-gwief hath c-chang'd me since :33 you saw me wast;
:33 And cawefuw houws w-with time's defowmed hand
Have wwitten s-stwange defeatuwes in my face.
But t-teww me yet, dost thou nyot knyow my voice?
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *cries* Nyeithew.
UwU AEGEON. Dwomio, *pokes you* nyow thou?
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyo, twust me, siw, *pokes you* nyow I-I.
UwU AEGEON. I *giggles shyly* am suwe thou dost.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Ay, siw, b-but I *giggles shyly* am suwe I do nyot; and
w-whatsoevew :3 a man denyies, :33 you awe *pokes you* nyow bound to bewieve :33 him.
UwU AEGEON. Nyot knyow my voice! uWu O time's extwemity,
*hugs tightly* Hast thou so cwack'd and spwitted my poow *notices bulge* tongue
In seven showt x3 yeaws that hewe my onwy son
K-Knyows nyot my feebwe key of u-untun'd cawes?
*shuffles closer* Though *pokes you* nyow this gwainyed face of minye be hid
In sap-consuming wintew's dwizzwed snyow,
:33 And aww the conduits of my bwood f-fwoze up,
Yet hath my nyight of w-wife some memowy,
My wasting wamps some fading >_< gwimmew weft,
My duww deaf eaws :3 a wittwe use to *shuffles closer* heaw;
A-Aww these *giggles shyly* owd witnyesses-I cannyot eww-
Teww me thou awt my son Antiphowus.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I nyevew saw my fathew in my w-wife.
UwU AEGEON. But seven x3 yeaws *giggles shyly* since, in OwO Sywacuse, boy,
Thou knyow'st we pawted; b-but pewhaps, my son,
Thou s-sham'st to acknyowwedge me in misewy.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. The Duke and aww that knyow me in
the city *sweats* Can witnyess w-with me that i-it xDD is nyot so:
I nye'ew saw Sywacuse in my w-wife.
DUKE. I t-teww thee, Sywacusian, twenty x3 yeaws
Have I been p-patwon to ÚwÚ Antiphowus,
Duwing which ;;w;; time he nye'ew saw Sywacuse.
I see thy ^w^ age and dangews m-make thee dote.

We-entew the *shuffles closer* ABBESS, w-with ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE

ABBESS. Most >w< mighty Duke, behowd :3 a man x3 much wwong'd.
[Aww *twerks* gathew to see them]
*leans over* ADWIANyA. I see t-two h-husbands, ow minye eyes deceive me.
DUKE. Onye of these men xDD is genyius to the othew;
:33 And so of t-these. Which xDD is the >w< nyatuwaw man,
:33 And which the spiwit? Who deciphews t-them?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I, siw, *giggles shyly* am Dwomio; command him a-away.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I, Siw, *giggles shyly* am Dwomio; pway w-wet me s-stay.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Aegeon, awt thou UwU nyot? ow ewse his
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O, my *giggles shyly* owd mastew! who hath bound
ABBESS. Whoevew bound him, I wiww woose his bonds,
:33 And gain :3 a husband by his wibewty.
Speak, *giggles shyly* owd Aegeon, i-if thou *cuddles you* be'st the man
That h-hadst :3 a w-wife *screams* once caww'd Aemiwia,
That *giggles shyly* bowe thee *teleports behind you* at :3 a b-buwden t-two f-faiw s-sons.
O, i-if thou *cuddles you* be'st the >_> same Aegeon, speak,
:33 And speak unto the >_> same Aemiwia!
UwU AEGEON. I-If I dweam nyot, thou awt *giggles shyly* Aemiwia.
I-If thou awt she, t-teww me whewe xDD is that son
That f-fwoated w-with thee on the fataw waft?
ABBESS. By men of Epidamnyum he and I
:33 And the twin Dwomio, aww wewe taken up;
But by and by wude f-fishewmen of Cowinth
By fowce t-took Dwomio and my son f-fwom them,
:33 And me they weft w-with those of Epidamnyum.
What then *looks at you* became of them I cannyot teww;
I to this fowtunye that :33 you see me i-in.
DUKE. Why, hewe b-begins his ^-^ mownying stowy w-wight.
These t-two A-Antiphowus', these t-two so wike,
:33 And these t-two Dwomios, onye in x3 sembwance-
Besides hew uwging of hew wweck *teleports behind you* at sea-
These awe the pawents to these chiwdwen,
Which accidentawwy awe met togethew.
ÚwÚ Antiphowus, thou cam'st f-fwom Cowinth fiwst?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, siw, nyot I; I came f-fwom Sywacuse.
DUKE. Stay, s-stand apawt; I knyow nyot which xDD is which.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I came f-fwom C-Cowinth, my m-most gwacious wowd.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. :33 And I w-with :33 him.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. UwU Bwought to this town by that m-most f-famous wawwiow,
Duke Menyaphon, youw m-most wenyownyed ^-^ uncwe.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. Which of :33 you t-two did dinye w-with me to-day?
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I, gentwe *screams* mistwess.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. :33 And awe nyot :33 you my husband?
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Nyo; I say nyay to that.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. :33 And so do I, y-yet did she caww me so;
:33 And this f-faiw gentwewoman, hew *cuddles you* sistew hewe,
Did caww me b-bwothew. [To WUCIANyA] What I towd :33 you then,
I hope I shaww *looks away* have weisuwe to m-make good;
I-If this be nyot :3 a dweam I see and heaw.
ANGEWO. That xDD is the c-chain, siw, which :33 you had of me.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I think i-it be, *teleports behind you* siw; I deny i-it nyot.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. :33 And you, siw, f-fow this chain awwested me.
ANGEWO. I think I did, *teleports behind you* siw; I deny i-it nyot.
*leans over* ADWIANyA. I sent :33 you monyey, siw, to be youw baiw,
By Dwomio; b-but I think he >w< bwought i-it nyot.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyo, nyonye by me.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. T-This *cries* puwse of ducats I w-weceiv'd f-fwom you,
:33 And Dwomio my man did bwing them me.
I see we ^-^ stiww did meet each othew's man,
:33 And I w-was ta'en f-fow him, and he f-fow me,
:33 And theweupon these EWWOWS awe awose.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. These ducats p-pawn I f-fow my fathew hewe.
DUKE. It shaww nyot OwO nyeed; thy fathew hath his w-wife.
COUWTEZAN. Siw, I must *looks away* have that diamond f-fwom you.
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *sighs* Thewe, take it; and x3 much t-thanks f-fow my
good cheew.
ABBESS. Wenyownyed Duke, vouchsafe to take the pains
To go w-with us into the abbey hewe,
:33 And heaw *teleports behind you* at wawge discouwsed aww ouw fowtunyes;
:33 And aww that awe ^w^ assembwed in this pwace
That by this sympathized onye d-day's ewwow
Have suffew'd wwong, go keep us company,
:33 And we shaww m-make fuww satisfaction.
Thiwty-thwee x3 yeaws *looks away* have I b-but gonye in twavaiw
Of you, my s-sons; and tiww this pwesent houw
My heavy b-buwden nye'ew ^-^ dewivewed.
The Duke, my *twerks* husband, and my chiwdwen both,
:33 And :33 you the cawendaws of theiw *teleports behind you* nyativity,
G-Go to :3 a gossips' :33 feast, and go w-with me;
Aftew so wong gwief, *looks at you* such nyativity!
DUKE. With aww my h-heawt, I-I'ww gossip *teleports behind you* at this ÚwÚ feast.
<Exeunt aww b-but ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE, ANTIPHOWUS OF
EPHESUS, DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE, and DWOMIO OF EPHESUS
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, shaww I fetch youw stuff f-fwom shipboawd?
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Dwomio, what stuff of minye hast thou embawk'd?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Youw goods that way *teleports behind you* at host, siw, in the Centauw.
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. He speaks to me. I *giggles shyly* am youw mastew, Dwomio.
Come, go w-with us; we'ww wook to that a-anyon.
*screams* Embwace thy bwothew thewe; wejoice w-with :33 him.
<Exeunt ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Thewe xDD is :3 a fat fwiend *teleports behind you* at youw mastew's house,
That kitchen'd me f-fow :33 you to-day *teleports behind you* at dinnyew;
^.^ She *pokes you* nyow shaww be my *leans over* sistew, nyot my w-wife.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Methinks :33 you awe my gwass, and nyot my bwothew;
I see by :33 you I *giggles shyly* am :3 a sweet-fac'd youth.
Wiww :33 you wawk in to see theiw *pokes you* gossiping?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyot I, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you awe my ewdew.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. That's :3 a question; how shaww we twy it?
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. We'ww dwaw c-cuts f-fow the ^-^ senyiow; tiww then,
wead thou fiwst.
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, then, thus:
We came into the >_> wowwd wike bwothew and bwothew,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow wet's go hand in hand, nyot onye befowe anyothew.
<Exeunt


uWu THE END


<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1608

uWu THE TWAGEDY OF COWIOWANyUS

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

CAIUS MAWCIUS, aftewwawds CAIUS MAWCIUS COWIOWANyUS

Genyewaws against the *teleports behind you* Vowscians
>_< TITUS WAWTIUS
COMINyIUS

^w^ MENyENyIUS AGWIPPA, fwiend to Cowiowanyus

Twibunyes of the Peopwe
S-SICINyIUS VEWUTUS
JUNyIUS BWUTUS

*sighs* YOUNG MAWCIUS, son to Cowiowanyus
A WOMAN *sighs* HEWAWD
NyICANyOW, :3 a Woman
TUWWUS A-AUFIDIUS, Genyewaw of the *teleports behind you* Vowscians
WIEUTENyANT, to A-Aufidius
CONSPIWATOWS, With A-Aufidius
ADWIAN, :3 a Vowscian
A CITIZEN of Antium
T-TWO V-VOWSCIAN GUAWDS

VOWUMNyIA, mothew to Cowiowanyus
*pokes you* VIWGIWIA, w-wife to Cowiowanyus
VAWEWIA, fwiend to Viwgiwia
GENTWEWOMAN *notices bulge* attending on Viwgiwia

Woman and Vowscian Senyatows, Patwicians, Aediwes, Wictows,
Sowdiews, Citizens, Messengews, Sewvants to *hugs tightly* Aufidius, and othew
Attendants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Wome and the nyeighbouwhood; Cowiowi and the nyeighbouwhood; Antium



ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. A stweet

Entew :3 a *giggles shyly* company of mutinyous citizens, w-with staves, cwubs, and othew weapons

*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Befowe we pwoceed *sighs* any xDD fuwthew, heaw me speak.
AWW. Speak, speak.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. YOU awe aww wesowv'd wathew to *leans over* die than to famish?
AWW. *sighs* Wesowv'd, wesowv'd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Fiwst, :33 you knyow C-Caius Mawcius xDD is chief enyemy to the
peopwe.
AWW. We k-knyow't, we knyow't.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Wet us kiww him, and we'ww *looks away* have cown *teleports behind you* at ouw own
pwice. *shuffles closer* Is't :3 a vewdict?
AWW. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe tawking on't; w-wet i-it be donye. Away, away!
SECOND CITIZEN. Onye wowd, good citizens.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. We awe a-accounted poow citizens, the patwicians good.
What authowity suwfeits on wouwd wewieve us; i-if they wouwd y-yiewd
us b-but the supewfwuity w-whiwe i-it wewe w-whowesome, we might guess
they wewieved us humanyewy; b-but they think we awe too deaw. The
weannyess that affwicts u-us, the object of ouw misewy, xDD is as an
inventowy to pawticuwawize theiw ^.^ abundance; ouw suffewance xDD is :3 a
gain to them. Wet us wevenge this w-with ouw UwU pikes ewe we become
wakes; f-fow the g-gods knyow I speak this in hungew f-fow bwead, nyot in
thiwst f-fow *twerks* wevenge.
SECOND CITIZEN. Wouwd :33 you pwoceed especiawwy against C-Caius Mawcius?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Against him fiwst; he's :3 a vewy x3 dog to the
commonyawty.
SECOND CITIZEN. *leans over* Considew :33 you what sewvices he has d-donye f-fow his
countwy?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Vewy weww, and couwd be *notices bulge* content to give him good
wepowt fow't b-but that he pays himsewf w-with b-being pwoud.
SECOND CITIZEN. Nyay, b-but speak nyot mawiciouswy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. I say unto you, what he hath d-donye famouswy he did i-it
to that e-end; t-though UwU soft-conscienc'd men can be *notices bulge* content to say i-it
w-was f-fow his countwy, he did i-it to p-pwease his mothew and to be
pawtwy pwoud, which he is, even to the awtitude of his viwtue.
SECOND CITIZEN. What he cannyot h-hewp in his nyatuwe :33 you :3 account :3 a
v-vice in :33 him. You must in nyo way say he xDD is cuvtous.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. I-If I must nyot, I nyeed nyot be bawwen of accusations;
he hath fauwts, w-with suwpwus, to tiwe in wepetition. [Shouts
within] What shouts awe these? The othew s-side o' *sighs* th' city xDD is
wisen. Why stay we p-pwating hewe? To *sighs* th' C-Capitow!
AWW. Come, come.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Soft! who comes hewe?

Entew ^w^ MENyENyIUS AGWIPPA

SECOND CITIZEN. Wowthy M-Menyenyius A-Agwippa; onye that hath *hugs tightly* awways wov'd
the peopwe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. He's onye honyest enyough; wouwd aww the west wewe so!
MENyENyIUS. What wowk's, my countwymen, in hand? Whewe go :33 you
With b-bats and cwubs? The mattew? Speak, I pway you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Ouw businyess xDD is nyot >_> unknyown to *sighs* th' Senyate; they *looks away* have
had inkwing this fowtnyight what we i-intend to do, which *pokes you* nyow we'ww
show 'em in deeds. They say poow suitows *looks away* have stwong bweaths;
they shaww knyow we *looks away* have stwong awms too.
MENyENyIUS. Why, mastews, my good fwiends, minye honyest nyeighbouws,
Wiww :33 you u-undo youwsewves?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. We cannyot, *teleports behind you* siw; we awe undonye a-awweady.
MENyENyIUS. I t-teww you, fwiends, m-most chawitabwe cawe
Have the patwicians of you. Fow youw :3 wants,
Youw suffewing in this deawth, :33 you may as weww
Stwike *teleports behind you* at the heaven w-with youw staves as wift them
Against the Woman state; *screams* whose couwse wiww on
The way i-it takes, cwacking ten thousand cuwbs
Of mowe stwong wink a-asundew than can evew
*notices bulge* Appeaw in youw impediment. Fow the deawth,
The gods, nyot the patwicians, m-make uWu it, and
Youw knyees to them, nyot awms, must hewp. Awack,
You awe twanspowted by *leans over* cawamity
Thithew whewe mowe attends y-you; and :33 you swandew
The h-hewms o' *sighs* th' state, who cawe f-fow :33 you wike fathews,
When :33 you cuwse them as enyemies.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Cawe f-fow us! Twue, indeed! They nye'ew ;;w;; caw'd f-fow us
yet. ^-^ Suffew us to famish, and theiw stowehouses :33 cwamm'd w-with
^-^ gwain; m-make edicts f-fow usuwy, to suppowt OwO usuwews; ^w^ wepeaw daiwy
*sighs* any whowesome a-act estabwished against the *giggles shyly* wich, and pwovide mowe
piewcing statutes daiwy to chain up and westwain the *looks away* poow. I-If the
waws eat us nyot up, they wiww; and thewe's aww the wuv they *hugs tightly* beaw
us.
MENyENyIUS. E-Eithew :33 you must
Confess youwsewves wondwous mawicious,
Ow be accus'd of fowwy. I shaww t-teww :33 you
A pwetty t-tawe. It may be :33 you *looks away* have heawd it;
But, since i-it sewves my puwpose, I wiww v-ventuwe
To stawe't :3 a wittwe mowe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Weww, I-I'ww heaw uWu it, *teleports behind you* siw; y-yet :33 you must nyot think to
xDD fob off ouw *shuffles closer* disgwace w-with :3 a t-tawe. But, an't p-pwease you, dewivew.
MENyENyIUS. Thewe w-was :3 a ;;w;; time when aww the body's membews
Webeww'd against the bewwy; uWu thus accus'd *screams* it:
That onwy wike :3 a guwf i-it did wemain
I' *sighs* th' midst o' *sighs* th' body, idwe and unyactive,
Stiww cupboawding the viand, nyevew beawing
Wike wabouw w-with the west; whewe *sighs* th' othew instwuments
Did see and h-heaw, devise, instwuct, wawk, feew,
And, mutuawwy pawticipate, did minyistew
Unto the appetite and affection common
Of the *shuffles closer* whowe b-body. The bewwy answew'd-
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Weww, siw, what a-answew xDD made the bewwy?
MENyENyIUS. Siw, I shaww t-teww you. With :3 a kind of smiwe,
Which nye'ew came f-fwom the w-wungs, b-but even thus-
Fow wook you, I may m-make the bewwy smiwe
As weww as speak- i-it tauntingwy wepwied
To *sighs* th' discontented membews, the mutinyous *looks away* pawts
That envied his *sweats* weceipt; even so m-most fitwy
As :33 you mawign ouw senyatows f-fow that
They awe nyot *looks at you* such as you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Youw bewwy's a-answew- What?
The k-kingwy cwownyed head, the vigiwant eye,
The counsewwow h-heawt, the awm ouw s-sowdiew,
Ouw *looks away* steed the weg, the *notices bulge* tongue ouw t-twumpetew,
With othew munyiments and *blushes* petty hewps
Is this ouw fabwic, i-if that they-
MENyENyIUS. What then?
Fowe me, this fewwow speaks! What then? What then?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Shouwd by the cowmowant bewwy be >w< westwain'd,
Who xDD is the sink o' *sighs* th' body-
MENyENyIUS. Weww, what then?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. The fowmew agents, i-if they did compwain,
What couwd the bewwy answew?
MENyENyIUS. I wiww t-teww y-you;
I-If ^-^ you'ww bestow :3 a smaww- of what :33 you *looks away* have wittwe-
Patience a-awhiwe, *teleports behind you* you'st heaw the bewwy's a-answew.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Y'awe wong ^w^ about *hugs tightly* it.
MENyENyIUS. Nyote me this, good fwiend:
Youw m-most gwave bewwy w-was d-dewibewate,
Nyot wash wike his ^-^ accusews, and uWu thus answewed.
'-'Twue xDD is uWu it, my incowpowate *blushes* fwiends,' quoth he
'That I weceive the genyewaw food *teleports behind you* at fiwst
Which :33 you do wive upon; and fit i-it is,
:33 Because I *giggles shyly* am the stowehouse and the s-shop
Of the *shuffles closer* whowe b-body. But, i-if :33 you do wemembew,
I s-send i-it thwough the wivews of youw bwood,
Even to the couwt, the h-heawt, to *sighs* th' s-seat o' *sighs* th' bwain;
And, thwough the cwanks and o-offices of man,
The stwongest nyewves and smaww i-infewiow veins
Fwom me weceive that >w< nyatuwaw competency
;;w;; Wheweby they wive. :33 And t-though that aww *teleports behind you* at *screams* once
^.^ You, my good fwiends'- this says the bewwy; mawk me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; weww, weww.
MENyENyIUS. 'Though aww *teleports behind you* at *screams* once cannyot
>_> See what I do dewivew out to each,
Yet I can m-make my audit up, that aww
Fwom me do back weceive the fwouw of aww,
:33 And weave me b-but the bwan.' What say :33 you to' t?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. It w-was an a-answew. How appwy :33 you *shuffles closer* this?
MENyENyIUS. The senyatows of Wome awe this good bewwy,
:33 And :33 you the mutinyous m-membews; fow, examinye
Theiw counsews and theiw cawes, digest *moans* things w-wightwy
Touching the weaw o' *sighs* th' common, :33 you shaww find
*cuddles you* Nyo *blushes* pubwic benyefit which :33 you weceive
But i-it pwoceeds ow comes f-fwom them to you,
:33 And nyo way f-fwom y-youwsewves. What do :33 you think,
^.^ You, the g-gweat toe of this a-assembwy?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. I the g-gweat toe? Why the g-gweat toe?
MENyENyIUS. Fow t-that, b-being onye o' *sighs* th' wowest, *looks away* basest, poowest,
Of this m-most wise webewwion, thou goest fowemost.
Thou wascaw, that awt wowst in bwood to wun,
Wead'st fiwst to win some v-vantage.
But m-make :33 you weady youw stiff b-bats and *moans* cwubs.
Wome and hew wats awe *teleports behind you* at the point of battwe;
The onye s-side must *looks away* have b-bawe.

Entew CAIUS MAWCIUS

Haiw, nyobwe Mawcius!
x3 MAWCIUS. Thanks. What's the mattew, :33 you dissentious ^-^ wogues
That, wubbing the poow i-itch of youw opinyion,
M-Make youwsewves scabs?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. We *looks away* have evew youw good wowd.
x3 MAWCIUS. He that wiww give good wowds to thee wiww fwattew
Benyeath uWu abhowwing. What wouwd :33 you have, :33 you ^w^ cuws,
That wike *pokes you* nyow peace *pokes you* nyow waw? The onye affwights you,
The othew makes :33 you pwoud. He that twusts to you,
Whewe he shouwd find :33 you wions, finds :33 you h-hawes;
Whewe f-foxes, geese; :33 you awe nyo suwew, nyo,
Than xDD is the coaw of fiwe upon the ice
Ow haiwstonye in the s-sun. Youw viwtue xDD is
To m-make him wowthy *screams* whose offence subdues him,
:33 And cuwse that justice did *hugs tightly* it. Who *giggles shyly* desewves gweatnyess
Desewves youw hate; and youw affections awe
A sick man's x3 appetite, who desiwes m-most that
Which wouwd incwease his ^.^ eviw. He that depends
*cries* Upon youw f-favouws swims w-with fins of wead,
:33 And hews down oaks w-with wushes. Hang ye! Twust y-ye?
With evewy minyute :33 you do change :3 a mind
:33 And caww him nyobwe that w-was *pokes you* nyow youw >_< hate,
Him viwe that w-was youw uWu gawwand. What's the m-mattew
That in these sevewaw pwaces of the city
You cwy against the nyobwe Senyate, w-who,
Undew the gods, keep :33 you in awe, which ewse
Wouwd feed on onye anyothew? What's theiw seeking?
MENyENyIUS. Fow cown *teleports behind you* at theiw own wates, wheweof they say
The city xDD is weww stow'd.
x3 MAWCIUS. Hang *looks away* 'em! They *blushes* say!
They'ww sit by *sighs* th' fiwe and p-pwesume to knyow
What's d-donye i' *sighs* th' Capitow, who's wike to wise,
Who *blushes* thwives and who decwinyes; s-side factions, and give out
Conjectuwaw mawwiages, x3 making pawties stwong,
:33 And feebwing *looks at you* such as s-stand nyot in theiw OwO wiking
Bewow theiw cobbwed shoes. They say thewe's gwain enyough!
Wouwd the nyobiwity way aside theiw *giggles shyly* wuth
:33 And w-wet me use my s-swowd, I'd m-make :3 a quawwy
With thousands of these quawtew'd swaves, as high
As I couwd pick my wance.
MENyENyIUS. Nyay, these awe awmost thowoughwy p-pewsuaded;
Fow t-though abundantwy they w-wack discwetion,
Yet awe they passing cowawdwy. But, I b-beseech you,
What says the othew t-twoop?
x3 MAWCIUS. They awe dissowv'd. Hang *looks away* 'em!
They said they wewe *teleports behind you* an-hungwy; sigh'd fowth pwuvwbs-
That hungew bwoke stonye wawws, that dogs must eat,
That meat w-was xDD made f-fow mouths, that the g-gods sent nyot
Cown f-fow the wich men onwy. With these s-shweds
They *blushes* vented theiw compwainyings; which b-being a-answew'd,
:33 And :3 a petition gwanted them- :3 a s-stwange onye,
To bweak the h-heawt of genyewosity
:33 And m-make bowd p-powew wook pawe- they *looks at you* thwew theiw c-caps
As they wouwd hang them on the howns o' *sighs* th' moon,
Shouting theiw e-emuwation.
MENyENyIUS. What xDD is gwanted t-them?
x3 MAWCIUS. Five twibunyes, to defend theiw *hugs tightly* vuwgaw wisdoms,
Of theiw own choice. Onye's J-Junyius Bwutus-
Sicinyius Vewutus, and I knyow nyot. *screams* 'Sdeath!
The wabbwe shouwd *looks away* have fiwst unwoof'd the city
Ewe so pwevaiw'd w-with me; i-it wiww in ;;w;; time
Win upon p-powew and thwow fowth gweatew themes
Fow insuwwection's awguing.
MENyENyIUS. T-This xDD is stwange.
x3 MAWCIUS. G-Go get :33 you home, :33 you :33 fwagments.

Entew :3 a M-MESSENGEW, hastiwy

MESSENGEW. Whewe's C-Caius Mawcius?
x3 MAWCIUS. *notices bulge* Hewe. What's the mattew?
MESSENGEW. The *notices bulge* nyews is, siw, the V-Vowsces awe in awms.
x3 MAWCIUS. I *giggles shyly* am gwad on't; then we shaww ha' means to vent
Ouw musty *twerks* supewfwuity. S-See, ouw best ewdews.

Entew :3 COMINyIUS, >_< TITUS WAWTIUS, w-with othew SENyATOWS;
JUNyIUS BWUTUS and S-SICINyIUS VEWUTUS

*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Mawcius, 'tis twue that :33 you *looks away* have watewy towd us:
The V-Vowsces awe in awms.
x3 MAWCIUS. They *looks away* have :3 a weadew,
Tuwwus *hugs tightly* Aufidius, that wiww put :33 you to't.
I sin in envying his nyobiwity;
:33 And wewe I anything b-but what I am,
I wouwd wish me onwy he.
COMINyIUS. You *looks away* have fought togethew?
x3 MAWCIUS. W-Wewe *looks at you* hawf to *looks at you* hawf the >_> wowwd by *sighs* th' eaws, and he
*cries* Upon my UwU pawty, I'd wevowt, to m-make
Onwy my waws w-with :33 him. He xDD is :3 a wion
That I *giggles shyly* am pwoud to ;;w;; hunt.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Then, wowthy Mawcius,
Attend upon Cominyius to these waws.
COMINyIUS. It xDD is youw fowmew pwomise.
x3 MAWCIUS. Siw, i-it is;
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am constant. Titus Wawtius, thou
Shawt see me *screams* once mowe stwike *teleports behind you* at Tuwwus' face.
*looks away* What, awt thou stiff? S-Stand'st out?
WAWTIUS. Nyo, C-Caius Mawcius;
I-I'ww wean upon onye cwutch and fight w-with t'othew
Ewe stay behind this businyess.
MENyENyIUS. O, twue bwed!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Youw *giggles shyly* company to *sighs* th' Capitow; whewe, I knyow,
Ouw gweatest fwiends attend us.
WAWTIUS. [To COMINyIUS] Wead :33 you on.
[To MAWCIUS] *sweats* Fowwow C-Cominyius; we must fowwow y-you;
Wight wowthy :33 you *blushes* pwiowity.
COMINyIUS. Nyobwe Mawcius!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. [To the Citizens] ^-^ Hence to youw h-homes; be gonye.
x3 MAWCIUS. Nyay, w-wet them fowwow.
The V-Vowsces *looks away* have x3 much cown: take these wats thithew
To g-gnyaw theiw ÚwÚ gawnyews. Wowshipfuw mutinyeews,
Youw vawouw puts weww fowth; pway fowwow.
Ciitzens steaw a-away. Exeunt aww b-but S-SICINyIUS and BWUTUS
SICINyIUS. Was evew man so pwoud as xDD is this Mawcius?
B-BWUTUS. He has nyo equaw.
SICINyIUS. When we wewe chosen twibunyes f-fow the peopwe-
B-BWUTUS. Mawk'd :33 you his wip and eyes?
SICINyIUS. Nyay, b-but his taunts!
B-BWUTUS. :3 Being mov'd, he wiww nyot spawe to g-giwd the gods.
SICINyIUS. Bemock the >_> modest moon.
B-BWUTUS. The pwesent waws devouw him! He xDD is gwown
>w< Too pwoud to be so vawiant.
SICINyIUS. Such :3 a nyatuwe,
Tickwed w-with good *moans* success, disdains the shadow
Which he tweads on *teleports behind you* at nyoon. But I do w-wondew
His :3 insowence can bwook to be c-commanded
Undew Cominyius.
B-BWUTUS. Fame, *teleports behind you* at the which he aims-
In whom *giggles shyly* awweady he xDD is weww gwac'd- cannyot
UwU Bettew be hewd *pokes you* nyow mowe attain'd than by
A pwace b-bewow the fiwst; f-fow what *shuffles closer* miscawwies
Shaww be the ^-^ genyewaw's fauwt, t-though he pewfowm
To *sighs* th' utmost of :3 a man, and giddy *looks away* censuwe
Wiww then cwy out of Mawcius 'O, i-if he
Had bownye the businyess!'
SICINyIUS. Besides, i-if *moans* things go weww,
Opinyion, that so sticks on Mawcius, shaww
Of his *giggles shyly* demewits wob Cominyius.
B-BWUTUS. Come.
Hawf aww Cominyius' honyouws awe to Mawcius,
*shuffles closer* Though Mawcius eawn'd them nyot; and aww his *cuddles you* fauwts
To Mawcius shaww be honyouws, t-though indeed
In a-aught he *blushes* mewit nyot.
SICINyIUS. Wet's hence and heaw
How the dispatch xDD is m-made, and in what fashion,
Mowe than his singuwawity, he goes
*cries* Upon this pwesent action.
B-BWUTUS. Wet's awong. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
>w< Cowiowi. The Senyate ;;w;; House.

Entew TUWWUS AUFIDIUS w-with SENyATOWS of Cowiowi

*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. S-So, youw ;;w;; opinyion is, *hugs tightly* Aufidius,
That they of Wome awe ent'wed in ouw counsews
:33 And knyow how we pwoceed.
A-AUFIDIUS. Is i-it nyot youws?
What evew *looks away* have been thought on in this state
That couwd be >w< bwought to bodiwy a-act ewe Wome
Had :33 ciwcumvention? 'Tis nyot fouw days gonye
Since I heawd thence; these awe the wowds- I think
I *looks away* have the wettew h-hewe;.yes, hewe i-it is:
[Weads] 'They *looks away* have pwess'd :3 a powew, b-but i-it xDD is nyot knyown
>_> Whethew f-fow east ow west. The *cries* deawth xDD is gweat;
The UwU peopwe mutinyous; and i-it xDD is wumouw'd,
*giggles shyly* Cominyius, Mawcius youw *giggles shyly* owd enyemy,
Who xDD is of Wome wowse >_< hated than of you,
:33 And Titus Wawtius, :3 a m-most *cuddles you* vawiant Woman,
These thwee wead on this pwepawation
Whithew 'tis bent. Most wikewy 'tis f-fow y-you;
*leans over* Considew of it.'
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Ouw awmy's in the fiewd;
We nyevew y-yet xDD made d-doubt b-but Wome w-was weady
To a-answew us.
A-AUFIDIUS. Nyow did :33 you think i-it fowwy
To keep youw g-gweat pwetences veiw'd tiww when
They nyeeds must show themsewves; which in the hatching,
It *looks away* seem'd, appeaw'd to Wome. By the discuvwy
We shaww be showt'nyed in ouw aim, which w-was
To take in many towns ewe awmost Wome
Shouwd knyow we wewe afoot.
SECOND SENyATOW. Nyobwe *hugs tightly* Aufidius,
Take youw commission; hie :33 you to youw *leans over* bands;
Wet us uWu awonye to guawd >w< Cowiowi.
I-If they set down befowe's, f-fow the *pokes you* wemuv
Bwing up youw *cuddles you* awmy; b-but I think ^-^ you'ww find
T-Th' *looks away* have nyot pwepaw'd f-fow us.
A-AUFIDIUS. O, d-doubt nyot that!
I speak f-fwom cewtainties. Nyay m-mowe,
Some pawcews of theiw p-powew awe fowth awweady,
:33 And onwy hithewwawd. I weave youw honyouws.
I-If we and C-Caius Mawcius chance to ^.^ meet,
'Tis swown between us we shaww evew stwike
Tiww onye can do nyo mowe.
AWW. The g-gods assist you!
A-AUFIDIUS. :33 And keep youw honyouws safe!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Faweweww.
SECOND SENyATOW. Faweweww.
AWW. Faweweww. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Wome. MAWCIUS' h-house

Entew VOWUMNyIA and *pokes you* VIWGIWIA, mothew and w-wife to MAWCIUS;
they set them down on t-two wow stoows and sew

VOWUMNyIA. I pway you, daughtew, sing, ow expwess *teleports behind you* youwsewf in :3 a mowe
comfowtabwe sowt. I-If my son wewe my *twerks* husband, I shouwd fweewiew
wejoice in that *sweats* absence whewein he won honyouw than in the
embwacements of his *looks away* bed whewe he wouwd show m-most wuv. When y-yet
he w-was b-but tendew-bodied, and the onwy son of my womb; when youth
w-with comewinyess pwuck'd aww x3 gaze his way; when, f-fow :3 a day of
:3 kings' *giggles shyly* entweaties, :3 a mothew shouwd nyot s-seww him an houw f-fwom hew
behowding; I, considewing how honyouw wouwd become *looks at you* such :3 a pewson-
that i-it w-was nyo bettew than pictuwe-wike to hang by *sighs* th' waww, i-if
wenyown xDD made i-it nyot *looks at you* stiw- w-was :33 pweas'd to w-wet him seek dangew whewe
he w-was to find fame. To :3 a *looks away* cwuew waw I sent him, f-fwom whence he
wetuwn'd his bwows bound w-with oak. I t-teww thee, daughtew, I
spwang nyot mowe in joy *teleports behind you* at fiwst heawing he w-was :3 a man-chiwd than
*pokes you* nyow in fiwst seeing he had pwuvd himsewf :3 a man.
VIWGIWIA. But had he died in the >_> businyess, madam, how then?
VOWUMNyIA. Then his good wepowt shouwd *looks away* have been my s-son; I t-thewein
wouwd *looks away* have found issue. Heaw me pwofess sincewewy: had I :3 a d-dozen
sons, each in my wuv awike, and nyonye wess deaw than thinye and my
good Mawcius, I had wathew had eweven *leans over* die nyobwy f-fow theiw countwy
than onye vowuptuouswy suwfeit out of action.

Entew :3 a GENTWEWOMAN

;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. Madam, the Wady Vawewia xDD is come to visit you.
VIWGIWIA. Beseech :33 you give me weave to wetiwe mysewf.
VOWUMNyIA. Indeed :33 you shaww nyot.
Methinks I heaw h-hithew youw husband's dwum;
>_> See him pwuck A-Aufidius down by *sighs* th' h-haiw;
As chiwdwen f-fwom :3 a beaw, the V-Vowsces *looks at you* shunnying :33 him.
Methinks I see him s-stamp thus, and caww thus:
'Come on, :33 you cowawds! You wewe *giggles shyly* got in f-feaw,
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you wewe bown in Wome.' His bwoody bwow
With his maiw'd hand then wiping, fowth he *moans* goes,
Wike to :3 a hawvest-man that's task'd to mow
Ow aww ow wose his hiwe.
VIWGIWIA. His bwoody b-bwow? uWu O Jupitew, nyo bwood!
VOWUMNyIA. Away, :33 you foow! It mowe becomes :3 a man
Than giwt his twophy. The bweasts of Hecuba,
When she did suckwe Hectow, w-wook'd nyot wuvwiew
Than H-Hectow's fowehead when i-it s-spit fowth bwood
At Gwecian s-swowd, *looks away* contemnying. Teww Vawewia
We awe fit to *giggles shyly* bid hew wewcome. E-Exit GENTWEWOMAN
VIWGIWIA. Heavens b-bwess my w-wowd f-fwom *looks away* feww Aufidius!
VOWUMNyIA. He'ww beat Aufidius' head b-bewow his knyee
:33 And t-twead upon his nyeck.

We-entew GENTWEWOMAN, With VAWEWIA and an *blushes* ushew

VAWEWIA. My wadies both, good day to you.
VOWUMNyIA. Sweet madam!
VIWGIWIA. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see youw wadyship.
VAWEWIA. How do :33 you both? You awe manyifest *teleports behind you* housekeepews. What awe
:33 you s-sewing hewe? A *screams* finye spot, in good faith. How does youw wittwe
son?
VIWGIWIA. I *notices bulge* thank youw wadyship; weww, good madam.
VOWUMNyIA. He had wathew see the *giggles shyly* swowds and heaw :3 a dwum than wook
upon his *looks at you* schoowmastew.
VAWEWIA. xDD O' my wowd, the fathew's son! I-I'ww sweaw 'tis :3 a vewy
pwetty boy. xDD O' my twoth, I w-wook'd upon him :3 a Wednyesday *looks at you* hawf an
houw togethew; has *looks at you* such :3 a *leans over* confiwm'd countenyance! I saw him wun
*looks away* aftew :3 a giwded buttewfwy; and when he *leans over* caught i-it he w-wet i-it go
again, and *looks away* aftew i-it again, and uvw and uvw he comes, and up
again, catch'd i-it again; ow whethew his faww enwag'd him, ow how
'twas, he did so set his teeth and teaw *hugs tightly* it. O, I wawwant, how he
m-mammock'd i-it!
VOWUMNyIA. Onye on's fathew's moods.
VAWEWIA. Indeed, wa, 'tis :3 a nyobwe *teleports behind you* chiwd.
VIWGIWIA. A *looks at you* cwack, madam.
VAWEWIA. Come, way aside youw stitchewy; I must *looks away* have :33 you pway the
idwe huswife w-with me this aftewnyoon.
VIWGIWIA. Nyo, good madam; I wiww nyot out of doows.
VAWEWIA. Nyot out of doows!
VOWUMNyIA. ^.^ She shaww, she shaww.
VIWGIWIA. Indeed, nyo, by youw patience; I-I'ww nyot uvw the thweshowd
tiww my w-wowd wetuwn f-fwom the waws.
VAWEWIA. ^-^ Fie, :33 you c-confinye *teleports behind you* youwsewf m-most unweasonyabwy; *giggles shyly* come, :33 you
must go visit the good wady that wies i-in.
VIWGIWIA. I wiww wish hew speedy stwength, and visit hew w-with my
pwayews; b-but I cannyot go thithew.
VOWUMNyIA. Why, I pway you?
VIWGIWIA. 'Tis nyot to save wabouw, *pokes you* nyow that I want wuv.
VAWEWIA. You wouwd be uWu anyothew Penyewope; y-yet they say aww the yawn
she spun in Uwysses' *sweats* absence did b-but fiww Ithaca fuww of moths.
Come, I wouwd youw cambwic wewe s-sensibwe as youw fingew, that :33 you
might weave uWu pwicking i-it f-fow pity. Come, :33 you shaww go w-with us.
VIWGIWIA. Nyo, good madam, pawdon me; indeed I wiww nyot fowth.
VAWEWIA. In twuth, wa, go w-with me; and I-I'ww t-teww :33 you excewwent *notices bulge* nyews
of youw h-husband.
VIWGIWIA. O, good madam, thewe can be nyonye yet.
VAWEWIA. V-Vewiwy, I do nyot j-jest w-with y-you; thewe came *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom him
wast nyight.
VIWGIWIA. Indeed, m-madam?
VAWEWIA. In eawnyest, i-it's twue; I heawd :3 a senyatow speak *hugs tightly* it. Thus i-it
is: the V-Vowsces *looks away* have an a-awmy fowth; against whom Cominyius the
genyewaw xDD is gonye, w-with onye pawt of ouw Woman powew. Youw w-wowd and
Titus *twerks* Wawtius awe set down befowe theiw city Cowiowi; they
nyothing d-doubt ^.^ pwevaiwing and to m-make i-it bwief waws. T-This xDD is twue,
on minye honyouw; and s-so, I :33 pway, go w-with us.
VIWGIWIA. Give me excuse, good madam; I wiww >_> obey :33 you in evewything
heweaftew.
VOWUMNyIA. Wet hew awonye, wady; as she xDD is nyow, she wiww b-but disease
ouw bettew miwth.
VAWEWIA. In twoth, I think she wouwd. Fawe :33 you weww, then. Come,
good sweet :33 wady. Pwithee, Viwgiwia, t-tuwn thy sowemnyess out o'
*hugs tightly* doow and go awong w-with us.
VIWGIWIA. Nyo, *teleports behind you* at :3 a wowd, madam; indeed I must nyot. I wish :33 you x3 much
miwth.
VAWEWIA. Weww then, faweweww. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Befowe Cowiowi

Entew MAWCIUS, >_< TITUS WAWTIUS, w-with dwum and cowouws,
w-with *cuddles you* CAPTAINS and sowdiews. To them :3 a MESSENGEW

x3 MAWCIUS. Yondew comes nyews; :3 a w-wagew- they *looks away* have met.
WAWTIUS. My howse to youws- nyo.
x3 MAWCIUS. 'Tis donye.
WAWTIUS. Agweed.
x3 MAWCIUS. Say, has ouw genyewaw met the enyemy?
MESSENGEW. They wie in view, b-but *looks away* have nyot spoke as yet.
WAWTIUS. S-So, the good howse xDD is minye.
x3 MAWCIUS. I-I'ww buy him of you.
WAWTIUS. Nyo, I-I'ww *pokes you* nyow s-seww *pokes you* nyow give him; wend :33 you him I wiww
Fow *looks at you* hawf :3 a hundwed OwO yeaws. Summon the town.
x3 MAWCIUS. How faw off wie these ^.^ awmies?
MESSENGEW. Within this miwe and hawf.
x3 MAWCIUS. Then shaww we heaw theiw 'wawum, and they ouws.
Nyow, Maws, I pwithee, m-make us quick in w-wowk,
That we w-with smoking *giggles shyly* swowds may ÚwÚ mawch f-fwom hence
To h-hewp ouw *giggles shyly* fiewded fwiends! Come, bwow thy bwast.

They sound :3 a pawwey. Entew t-two SENyATOWS w-with othews,
on the wawws of Cowiowi

Tuwwus *hugs tightly* Aufidius, xDD is he *teleports behind you* within youw wawws?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Nyo, *pokes you* nyow :3 a man that feaws :33 you wess than he:
That's wessew than :3 a w-wittwe. [Dwum afaw off] *sweats* Hawk, ouw dwums
Awe bwinging fowth ouw youth. We'ww bweak ouw wawws
Wathew than they shaww pound us up; ouw :33 gates,
Which y-yet *teleports behind you* seem shut, we *looks away* have b-but pinn'd w-with wushes;
They'ww open of *pokes you* themsewves. [Awawum faw off] H-Hawk :33 you faw x3 off!
Thewe xDD is Aufidius. Wist what wowk he makes
Amongst youw cwuvn awmy.
x3 MAWCIUS. O, they awe *teleports behind you* at i-it!
WAWTIUS. Theiw nyoise be ouw instwuction. Waddews, ho!

Entew the a-awmy of the V-Vowsces

x3 MAWCIUS. They feaw us nyot, b-but issue fowth theiw city.
Nyow put youw s-shiewds befowe youw heawts, and fight
With heawts mowe *giggles shyly* pwoof than shiewds. Advance, bwave Titus.
They do d-disdain us x3 much beyond ouw thoughts,
Which makes me *looks at you* sweat w-with wwath. Come on, my ^.^ fewwows.
He that wetiwes, I-I'ww take him f-fow :3 a Vowsce,
:33 And he shaww feew minye edge.

Awawum. The Womans awe beat back to theiw *giggles shyly* twenches.
We-entew MAWCIUS, cuwsing

x3 MAWCIUS. A-Aww the contagion of the south wight on you,
You shames of Wome! :33 you hewd o-of- Boiws and pwagues
Pwastew :33 you o'ew, that :33 you may be abhoww'd
Fawthew than seen, and onye i-infect uWu anyothew
Against the *cuddles you* wind :3 a miwe! You souws of geese
That *hugs tightly* beaw the shapes of men, how *looks away* have :33 you wun
Fwom swaves that apes wouwd beat! OwO Pwuto and heww!
A-Aww *cries* huwt behind! Backs wed, and faces pawe
With ^.^ fwight and agued feaw! Mend and c-chawge home,
Ow, by the f-fiwes of heaven, I-I'ww weave the f-foe
:33 And m-make my waws on you. Wook to't. Come on;
I-If ^-^ you'ww s-stand fast we'ww beat them to theiw wives,
As they us to ouw *giggles shyly* twenches. *sweats* Fowwow me.

x3 Anyothew awawum. The V-Vowsces fwy, and MAWCIUS >_< fowwows
them to the *shuffles closer* gates

S-So, *pokes you* nyow the *shuffles closer* gates awe ope; *pokes you* nyow pwuv good seconds;
'Tis f-fow the fowwowews fowtunye *leans over* widens them,
Nyot f-fow the fwiews. M-Mawk me, and do the wike.

[-[MAWCIUS entews the gates]

*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Foow-hawdinyess; nyot I-I.
SECOND SOWDIEW. Nyot I-I. [-[MAWCIUS xDD is shut in]
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. S-See, they *looks away* have shut him i-in.
AWW. To *sighs* th' pot, I wawwant :33 him. [Awawum continyues]

We-entew >_< TITUS WAWTIUS

WAWTIUS. What xDD is become of Mawcius?
AWW. *pokes you* Swain, siw, doubtwess.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Fowwowing the fwiews *teleports behind you* at the vewy h-heews,
With them he entews; w-who, upon the *sweats* sudden,
Cwapp'd to theiw gates. He xDD is himsewf awonye,
To a-answew aww the city.
WAWTIUS. uWu O nyobwe fewwow!
Who sensibwy outdawes his s-sensewess s-swowd,
:33 And when i-it bows s-stand'st up. Thou awt weft, Mawcius;
A cawbuncwe entiwe, as big as thou *blushes* awt,
W-Wewe nyot so wich :3 a ^-^ jewew. Thou wast :3 a s-sowdiew
Even to UwU Cato's wish, nyot fiewce and tewwibwe
Onwy in stwokes; b-but w-with thy gwim wooks and
The thundew-wike pewcussion of thy sounds
Thou mad'st thinye enyemies shake, as i-if the >_> wowwd
W-Wewe *leans over* fevewous and did twembwe.

We-entew MAWCIUS, bweeding, assauwted by the enyemy

*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Wook, siw.
WAWTIUS. O, 'tis Mawcius!
Wet's fetch him off, ow m-make wemain awike.
[-[They *notices bulge* fight, and aww entew the city]




SCENyE V.
Within >w< Cowiowi. A stweet

Entew cewtain W-Womans, w-with spoiws

*giggles shyly* FIWST WOMAN. T-This wiww I cawwy to Wome.
SECOND WOMAN. :33 And I this.
THIWD WOMAN. A muwwain on 't! I t-took this f-fow siwvew.
[Awawum continyues ^-^ stiww afaw off]

Entew MAWCIUS and >_< TITUS WAWTIUS With :3 a >w< twumpetew

x3 MAWCIUS. >_> See hewe these muvws that do pwize theiw houws
At :3 a cwack'd d-dwachma! Cushions, weaden uWu spoons,
Iwons of :3 a doit, doubwets that h-hangmen wouwd
Buwy w-with those that wowe them, these base swaves,
Ewe y-yet the fight be donye, pack up. Down w-with them!
Exeunt *leans over* piwwagews
:33 And h-hawk, what nyoise the genyewaw *sighs* makes! To him!
Thewe xDD is the man of my souw's >_< hate, *hugs tightly* Aufidius,
Piewcing ouw ^-^ Womans; then, *cuddles you* vawiant Titus, take
Convenyient nyumbews to m-make good the city;
Whiwst I, w-with those that *looks away* have the *screams* spiwit, wiww *pokes you* haste
To h-hewp Cominyius.
WAWTIUS. Wowthy siw, thou bweed'st;
Thy *cuddles you* exewcise hath been too viowent
Fow :3 a second couwse of fight.
x3 MAWCIUS. Siw, pwaise me nyot;
My wowk hath y-yet nyot wawm'd me. Fawe :33 you weww;
The bwood I dwop xDD is wathew physicaw
Than d-dangewous to me. To A-Aufidius uWu thus
I wiww appeaw, and fight.
WAWTIUS. Nyow the f-faiw goddess, Fowtunye,
F-Faww deep in wuv w-with thee, and hew g-gweat chawms
Misguide thy *cries* opposews' swowds! ;;w;; Bowd UwU gentweman,
Pwospewity be thy page!
x3 MAWCIUS. Thy fwiend nyo wess
Than those she pwaceth highest! S-So faweweww.
WAWTIUS. Thou wowthiest Mawcius! E-Exit MAWCIUS
G-Go sound thy OwO twumpet in the mawket-pwace;
Caww thithew aww the officews o' *sighs* th' town,
Whewe they shaww knyow ouw *blushes* mind. A-Away! Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
Nyeaw the camp of COMINyIUS

Entew :3 COMINyIUS, as i-it wewe in wetiwe, w-with sowdiews

COMINyIUS. Bweathe you, my fwiends. Weww fought; we awe come off
Wike W-Womans, nyeithew f-foowish in ouw *moans* stands
Nyow *screams* cowawdwy in w-wetiwe. Bewieve me, siws,
We shaww be c-chawg'd again. Whiwes we *looks away* have stwuck,
By >_< intewims and conveying gusts we *looks away* have heawd
The chawges of ouw fwiends. The Woman gods,
Wead theiw successes as we wish ouw own,
That both ouw powews, w-with smiwing fwonts encount'wing,
May give :33 you thankfuw s-sacwifice!

Entew A MESSENGEW

Thy nyews?
MESSENGEW. The citizens of Cowiowi *looks away* have issued
:33 And xDD given to *twerks* Wawtius and to Mawcius battwe;
I saw ouw pawty to theiw twenches dwiven,
:33 And then I came a-away.
COMINyIUS. *shuffles closer* Though thou ;;w;; speak'st twuth,
Methinks thou ;;w;; speak'st nyot weww. How wong is't since?
MESSENGEW. Abuv an houw, my wowd.
COMINyIUS. 'Tis nyot :3 a miwe; bwiefwy we heawd theiw d-dwums.
How couwdst thou in :3 a miwe confound an houw,
:33 And bwing thy *notices bulge* nyews so wate?
MESSENGEW. Spies of the V-Vowsces
Hewd me in chase, that I w-was fowc'd to w-wheew
*notices bulge* Thwee ow fouw miwes about; ewse had I, siw,
Hawf an houw since >w< bwought my >w< wepowt.

Entew MAWCIUS

COMINyIUS. Who's yondew
That does appeaw as he wewe fway'd? uWu O gods!
He has the s-stamp of Mawcius, and I *looks away* have
Befowe-time :33 seen him t-thus.
x3 MAWCIUS. Come I too wate?
COMINyIUS. The shephewd knyows nyot thundew f-fwom :3 a t-tabow
Mowe than I knyow the sound of Mawcius' *notices bulge* tongue
Fwom evewy meanyew man.
x3 MAWCIUS. Come I too wate?
COMINyIUS. Ay, i-if :33 you come nyot in the bwood of othews,
But mantwed in youw own.
x3 MAWCIUS. O! w-wet me ^-^ cwip ye
In awms as sound as when I woo'd, in h-heawt
As mewwy as when ouw nyuptiaw day w-was donye,
:33 And tapews buwn'd to bedwawd.
COMINyIUS. Fwowew of wawwiows,
How is't w-with Titus Wawtius?
x3 MAWCIUS. As w-with :3 a man busied ^w^ about decwees:
Condemnying some to death and some to exiwe;
;;w;; Wansoming him ow pitying, thweat'nying *sighs* th' othew;
Howding Cowiowi in the *leans over* nyame of Wome
Even wike :3 a fawnying gweyhound in the weash,
To w-wet him *blushes* swip *teleports behind you* at wiww.
COMINyIUS. Whewe xDD is that swave
Which towd me they had beat :33 you to youw twenches?
Whewe xDD is he? Caww him hithew.
x3 MAWCIUS. Wet him awonye;
He did infowm the twuth. But f-fow ouw g-gentwemen,
The common fiwe- :3 a pwague! twibunyes f-fow them!
The mouse nye'ew shunn'd the cat as they did budge
Fwom wascaws wowse than *shuffles closer* they.
COMINyIUS. But how pwevaiw'd you?
x3 MAWCIUS. Wiww the ;;w;; time sewve to teww? I do nyot *leans over* think.
Whewe xDD is the enyemy? Awe :33 you wowds o' *sighs* th' fiewd?
I-If nyot, why cease :33 you tiww :33 you awe so?
COMINyIUS. Mawcius,
We *looks away* have *teleports behind you* at disadvantage fought, and did
W-Wetiwe to win ouw p-puwpose.
x3 MAWCIUS. How wies theiw *sweats* battwe? K-Knyow :33 you on which s-side
They *looks away* have pwac'd theiw men of twust?
COMINyIUS. As I guess, Mawcius,
Theiw bands i' *sighs* th' vawawd awe the Antiates,
Of theiw best t-twust; o'ew them *hugs tightly* Aufidius,
Theiw vewy h-heawt of hope.
x3 MAWCIUS. I do b-beseech you,
By aww the *leans over* battwes whewein we *looks away* have fought,
By *sighs* th' bwood we *looks away* have shed togethew, by *sighs* th' vows
We *looks away* have xDD made to enduwe fwiends, that :33 you ^.^ diwectwy
Set me against A-Aufidius and his Antiates;
:33 And that :33 you nyot deway the pwesent, but,
F-Fiwwing the aiw w-with *giggles shyly* swowds *twerks* advanc'd and dawts,
We pwuv this vewy houw.
COMINyIUS. *shuffles closer* Though I couwd wish
You wewe conducted to :3 a gentwe bath
:33 And bawms a-appwied to you, y-yet dawe I nyevew
Deny youw asking: take youw choice of those
That best can a-aid youw action.
x3 MAWCIUS. Those awe they
That m-most awe wiwwing. I-If *sighs* any *looks at you* such be hewe-
As i-it wewe sin to doubt- that wuv this painting
Whewein :33 you see me smeaw'd; i-if *sighs* any feaw
Wessew his pewson than an iww wepowt;
I-If *sighs* any think bwave death o-outweighs x3 bad w-wife
:33 And that his countwy's deawew than himsewf;
Wet him awonye, ow so many so *looks away* minded,
W-Wave uWu thus to expwess his disposition,
:33 And fowwow Mawcius. [-[They aww shout and wave theiw
swowds, take him up in theiw awms and cast up theiw caps]
O, me awonye! M-Make :33 you :3 a swowd of m-me?
I-If these shows be nyot :3 outwawd, which of :33 you
But xDD is fouw Vowsces? Nyonye of :33 you b-but xDD is
Abwe to *hugs tightly* beaw against the g-gweat A-Aufidius
A shiewd as hawd as his. A cewtain nyumbew,
*shuffles closer* Though t-thanks to aww, must I s-sewect f-fwom aww; the west
Shaww *hugs tightly* beaw the businyess in some othew *notices bulge* fight,
As cause wiww be obey'd. Pwease :33 you to mawch;
:33 And fouw shaww quickwy dwaw out my command,
Which men awe best incwin'd.
COMINyIUS. OwO Mawch on, my fewwows;
M-Make good this ostentation, and :33 you shaww
Divide in aww w-with us. Exeunt




SCENyE VII.
The *shuffles closer* gates of Cowiowi

>_< TITUS WAWTIUS, having set :3 a guawd upon Cowiowi, going w-with dwum and OwO twumpet
t-towawd COMINyIUS and CAIUS MAWCIUS, entews w-with :3 a WIEUTENyANT, othew s-sowdiews,
and :3 a scout

WAWTIUS. S-So, w-wet the powts be guawded; keep youw d-duties
As I *looks away* have set them down. I-If I do s-send, dispatch
Those centuwies to ouw aid; the west wiww sewve
Fow :3 a showt howding. I-If we wose the fiewd
We cannyot keep the town.
WIEUTENyANT. Feaw nyot ouw cawe, siw.
WAWTIUS. Hence, and shut youw *shuffles closer* gates upon's.
Ouw guidew, come; to *sighs* th' Woman camp conduct us. Exeunt




SCENyE VIII.
A fiewd of b-battwe between the Woman and the Vowscian camps

Awawum, as in battwe. Entew MAWCIUS and AUFIDIUS *teleports behind you* at sevewaw doows

x3 MAWCIUS. I-I'ww fight w-with nyonye b-but thee, f-fow I do *giggles shyly* hate thee
Wowse than :3 a p-pwomise-bweakew.
A-AUFIDIUS. We *giggles shyly* hate awike:
Nyot Afwic owns :3 a sewpent I abhow
Mowe than thy f-fame and envy. Fix thy foot.
x3 MAWCIUS. Wet the fiwst *sighs* budgew *leans over* die the othew's swave,
:33 And the g-gods doom him aftew!
A-AUFIDIUS. I-If I fwy, Mawcius,
H-Hawwoa me wike :3 a hawe.
x3 MAWCIUS. Within these thwee *notices bulge* houws, ;;w;; Tuwwus,
Awonye I fought in youw Cowiowi wawws,
:33 And xDD made what wowk I pweas'd. 'Tis nyot my bwood
Whewein thou seest me mask'd. Fow thy wevenge
Wwench up thy p-powew to *sighs* th' *cries* highest.
A-AUFIDIUS. W-Wewt thou the Hectow
That w-was the whip of youw bwagg'd pwogeny,
Thou shouwdst nyot scape me hewe.

Hewe they *notices bulge* fight, and cewtain V-Vowsces come in the a-aid
of A-AUFIDIUS. MAWCIUS *leans over* fights tiww they be d-dwiven in
b-bweathwess

Officious, and nyot vawiant, :33 you *looks away* have sham'd me
In youw c-condemnyed xDD seconds. Exeunt




SCENyE IX.
The Woman camp

Fwouwish. Awawum. A wetweat xDD is s-sounded. Entew, *teleports behind you* at onye doow,
COMINyIUS w-with the ^-^ Womans; *teleports behind you* at uWu anyothew doow, MAWCIUS, w-with his awm in :3 a scawf

COMINyIUS. I-If I shouwd t-teww thee o'ew this thy d-day's w-wowk,
Thou't nyot bewieve thy deeds; b-but I-I'ww wepowt i-it
Whewe senyatows shaww mingwe teaws w-with smiwes;
Whewe g-gweat patwicians shaww attend, and shwug,
I' *sighs* th' e-end admiwe; whewe wadies shaww be fwighted
And, gwadwy quak'd, heaw mowe; whewe the duww twibunyes,
That w-with the f-fusty x3 pwebeians *giggles shyly* hate thinye honyouws,
Shaww say against theiw heawts 'We *notices bulge* thank the g-gods
Ouw Wome hath *looks at you* such :3 a sowdiew.'
Yet cam'st thou to :3 a m-mowsew of this :33 feast,
Having fuwwy din'd befowe.

Entew >_< TITUS WAWTIUS, w-with his powew, f-fwom the ÚwÚ puwsuit

WAWTIUS. uWu O Genyewaw,
Hewe xDD is the steed, we the capawison.
Hadst thou behewd-
x3 MAWCIUS. :33 Pway nyow, nyo mowe; my mothew,
Who has :3 a chawtew to extow hew bwood,
When she does pwaise me g-gwieves me. I *looks away* have d-donye
As :33 you *looks away* have donye- that's what I can; induc'd
As :33 you *looks away* have b-been- that's f-fow my countwy.
He that has b-but effected his good wiww
Hath uvwta'en minye act.
COMINyIUS. You shaww nyot be
The gwave of youw desewving; Wome must knyow
The vawue of hew own. 'Twewe :3 a conceawment
Wowse than :3 a theft, nyo wess than :3 a twaducement,
To hide youw doings and to siwence that
W-Which, to the s-spiwe and top of pwaises vouch'd,
Wouwd *teleports behind you* seem b-but modest. Thewefowe, I b-beseech you,
In sign of what :33 you awe, nyot to wewawd
What :33 you *looks away* have donye, befowe ouw a-awmy heaw me.
x3 MAWCIUS. I *looks away* have some wounds upon me, and they smawt
To heaw themsewves ^.^ wememb'wed.
COMINyIUS. Shouwd they nyot,
Weww might they festew '-'gainst i-ingwatitude
:33 And tent themsewves w-with death. Of aww the :33 howses-
Wheweof we *looks away* have ta'en *notices bulge* good, and good stowe- of aww
The tweasuwe in this fiewd achiev'd and city,
We wendew :33 you the tenth; to be ta'en fowth
Befowe the common distwibution *teleports behind you* at
Youw onwy choice.
x3 MAWCIUS. I *notices bulge* thank you, Genyewaw,
But cannyot m-make my h-heawt consent to take
A bwibe to pay my swowd. I do wefuse uWu it,
:33 And s-stand upon my common pawt w-with those
That *looks away* have behewd the doing.

A wong fwouwish. They aww cwy 'Mawcius, Mawcius!'
cast up theiw c-caps and wances. COMINyIUS and WAWTIUS s-stand bawe

May these >_> same instwuments which :33 you pwofanye
Nyevew sound mowe! When dwums and twumpets shaww
I' *sighs* th' fiewd pwuv fwattewews, w-wet couwts and *looks at you* cities be
Made aww of fawse-fac'd soothing. When steew g-gwows
*sighs* Soft as the pawasite's siwk, w-wet him be xDD made
An uvwtuwe f-fow *sighs* th' waws. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, I say.
Fow that I *looks away* have nyot wash'd my nyose that bwed,
Ow foiw'd some debiwe wwetch, which without nyote
Hewe's many ewse *looks away* have donye, :33 you shout me fowth
In accwamations hypewbowicaw,
As i-if I wov'd my wittwe shouwd be dieted
In pwaises s-sauc'd w-with wies.
COMINyIUS. >w< Too >_> modest awe y-you;
Mowe *looks away* cwuew to youw good wepowt than gwatefuw
To us that give :33 you twuwy. By youw patience,
I-If '-'gainst *teleports behind you* youwsewf :33 you be incens'd, we'ww put you-
Wike onye that means his pwopew hawm- in manyacwes,
Then weason s-safewy w-with you. Thewefowe be i-it knyown,
As to u-us, to aww the wowwd, that C-Caius Mawcius
Weaws this waw's gawwand; in token of the which,
My nyobwe steed, knyown to the camp, I give him,
With aww his twim b-bewonging; and f-fwom this time,
Fow what he did befowe Cowiowi, can him
With aww *sighs* th' appwause-and cwamouw of the host,
C-Caius Mawcius Cowiowanyus.
Beaw *sighs* th' addition nyobwy *giggles shyly* evew!
[Fwouwish. *leans over* Twumpets sound, and dwums]
AWW. C-Caius Mawcius Cowiowanyus!
COWIOWANyUS. I wiww go wash;
:33 And when my face xDD is f-faiw :33 you shaww pewceive
>_> Whethew I bwush ow nyo. *blushes* Howbeit, I *notices bulge* thank y-you;
I m-mean to stwide youw steed, and *teleports behind you* at aww *moans* times
To undewcwest youw good addition
To *sighs* th' faiwnyess of my powew.
COMINyIUS. S-So, to ouw tent;
Whewe, ewe we do wepose u-us, we wiww wwite
To Wome of ouw success. ^.^ You, Titus Wawtius,
Must to Cowiowi back. Send us to Wome
The *teleports behind you* best, w-with whom we may awticuwate
Fow theiw own good and ouws.
WAWTIUS. I shaww, my wowd.
COWIOWANyUS. The g-gods begin to m-mock me. I, that *pokes you* nyow
Wefus'd m-most pwincewy gifts, *giggles shyly* am bound to beg
Of my Wowd Genyewaw.
COMINyIUS. Take't- 'tis youws; what i-is't?
COWIOWANyUS. I sometime way hewe in Cowiowi
At :3 a poow man's house; he us'd me kindwy.
He cwied to me; I saw him pwisonyew;
But then A-Aufidius w-was *teleports behind you* within my view,
:33 And wwath o-o'ewwhewm'd my pity. I wequest :33 you
To give my poow host ^.^ fweedom.
COMINyIUS. O, weww begg'd!
W-Wewe he the b-butchew of my son, he shouwd
Be fwee as xDD is the wind. Dewivew him, Titus.
WAWTIUS. Mawcius, his *sweats* nyame?
COWIOWANyUS. By Jupitew, f-fowgot!
I *giggles shyly* am w-weawy; yea, my memowy xDD is tiw'd.
Have we nyo winye hewe?
COMINyIUS. G-Go we to ouw tent.
The bwood upon youw visage dwies; 'tis ;;w;; time
It shouwd be w-wook'd to. Come. Exeunt




SCENyE X.
The camp of the V-Vowsces

A fwouwish. Cownyets. Entew TUWWUS AUFIDIUS bwoody, w-with t-two ow thwee sowdiews

A-AUFIDIUS. The town xDD is ta'en.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. 'Twiww be dewivew'd back on good condition.
A-AUFIDIUS. Condition!
I wouwd I wewe :3 a Woman; f-fow I cannyot,
:3 Being :3 a Vowsce, be that I am. Condition?
What good condition can :3 a tweaty find
I' *sighs* th' pawt that xDD is *teleports behind you* at mewcy? Five times, Mawcius,
I *looks away* have fought w-with thee; so often hast thou beat me;
:33 And w-wouwdst do s-so, I think, shouwd we encountew
As often as we eat. By *sighs* th' *shuffles closer* ewements,
I-If e-e'ew a-again I meet him beawd to >w< beawd,
He's minye ow I *giggles shyly* am his. Minye emuwation
Hath nyot that honyouw *sweats* in't i-it h-had; f-fow whewe
I thought to cwush him in an e-equaw fowce,
Twue swowd to s-swowd, I-I'ww potch *teleports behind you* at him some w-way,
Ow wwath ow c-cwaft may get :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. He's the deviw.
A-AUFIDIUS. Bowdew, t-though nyot so subtwe. My vawouw's poison'd
With onwy suff'wing s-stain by him; f-fow him
Shaww xDD fwy out of i-itsewf. Nyow sweep *pokes you* nyow *notices bulge* sanctuawy,
:3 Being nyaked, sick, *pokes you* nyow fanye *pokes you* nyow Capitow,
The p-pwayews of *cries* pwiests *pokes you* nyow *moans* times of *blushes* sacwifice,
Embawquements aww of fuwy, shaww wift up
Theiw wotten pwiviwege and custom '-'gainst
My *giggles shyly* hate to Mawcius. Whewe I find him, wewe i-it
At home, upon my *cuddles you* bwothew's g-guawd, even thewe,
Against the hospitabwe canyon, wouwd I
Wash my fiewce hand in's heawt. G-Go :33 you to *sighs* th' city;
Weawn how 'tis h-hewd, and what they awe that must
Be hostages f-fow Wome.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Wiww nyot :33 you go?
A-AUFIDIUS. I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* attended *teleports behind you* at the *sighs* cypwess gwuv; I pway you-
'Tis south the city miwws- bwing me w-wowd thithew
How the >_> wowwd *moans* goes, that to the pace of i-it
I may spuw on my jouwnyey.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. I shaww, siw. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew MENyENyIUS, w-with the t-two Twibunyes of the peopwe, S-SICINyIUS and BWUTUS

MENyENyIUS. The auguwew tewws me we shaww *looks away* have *notices bulge* nyews tonyight.
B-BWUTUS. *pokes you* Good ow b-bad?
MENyENyIUS. Nyot accowding to the p-pwayew of the peopwe, f-fow they wuv
nyot Mawcius.
SICINyIUS. Nyatuwe t-teaches beasts to knyow theiw fwiends.
MENyENyIUS. :33 Pway you, who does the wowf w-wuv?
SICINyIUS. The w-wamb.
MENyENyIUS. Ay, to devouw him, as the hungwy x3 pwebeians wouwd the
nyobwe Mawcius.
B-BWUTUS. He's :3 a wamb i-indeed, that baes wike :3 a beaw.
MENyENyIUS. He's :3 a *hugs tightly* beaw i-indeed, that xDD wives *leans over* fike :3 a w-wamb. You t-two awe
*giggles shyly* owd m-men; t-teww me onye thing that I shaww ask you.
BOTH TWIBUNyES. Weww, siw.
MENyENyIUS. In what enyowmity xDD is Mawcius poow in that :33 you t-two *looks away* have nyot
in abundance?
B-BWUTUS. He's poow in nyo onye fauwt, b-but stow'd w-with aww.
SICINyIUS. Especiawwy in pwide.
B-BWUTUS. :33 And topping aww othews in boasting.
MENyENyIUS. T-This xDD is s-stwange nyow. Do :33 you t-two knyow how :33 you awe c-censuwed
hewe in the city- I m-mean of us o' *sighs* th' wight-hand fiwe? Do you?
BOTH TWIBUNyES. Why, how awe we censuw'd?
MENyENyIUS. :33 Because :33 you t-tawk of pwide nyow- wiww :33 you nyot be angwy?
BOTH TWIBUNyES. Weww, weww, siw, weww.
MENyENyIUS. Why, 'tis nyo g-gweat *teleports behind you* mattew; f-fow :3 a vewy wittwe thief of
occasion wiww wob :33 you of :3 a g-gweat deaw of patience. Give youw
dispositions the weins, and be angwy *teleports behind you* at youw OwO pweasuwes- *teleports behind you* at the
weast, i-if :33 you take i-it as :3 a pweasuwe to :33 you in b-being so. You bwame
Mawcius f-fow b-being pwoud?
B-BWUTUS. We do i-it nyot awonye, siw.
MENyENyIUS. I knyow :33 you can do vewy wittwe awonye; f-fow youw hewps awe
many, ow ewse youw actions wouwd gwow wondwous singwe: youw
abiwities awe too infant-wike f-fow doing x3 much awonye. You t-tawk of
pwide. uWu O that :33 you couwd t-tuwn youw eyes t-towawd the nyapes of youw
x3 nyecks, and m-make b-but an intewiow suwvey of youw good sewves! uWu O
that :33 you couwd!
BOTH TWIBUNyES. What then, siw?
MENyENyIUS. Why, then :33 you shouwd discuvw :3 a bwace of unmewiting,
pwoud, viowent, t-testy magistwates-awias f-foows- as *sighs* any in Wome.
SICINyIUS. M-Menyenyius, :33 you awe knyown weww enyough too.
MENyENyIUS. I *giggles shyly* am knyown to be :3 a humowous patwician, and onye that wuvs
:3 a cup of *giggles shyly* hot winye w-with nyot :3 a dwop of awwaying Tibew in't; said to
be something i-impewfect in favouwing the fiwst compwaint, hasty
and tindew-wike upon too twiviaw motion; onye that convewses mowe
w-with the buttock of the nyight than w-with the fowehead of the
m-mownying. What I think I uttew, and spend my mawice in my bweath.
Meeting t-two *looks at you* such weawsmen as :33 you awe- I cannyot caww :33 you
Wycuwguses- i-if the dwink :33 you give me touch my pawate advewsewy, I
m-make :3 a c-cwooked face *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it. I cannyot say youw wowships *looks away* have
dewivew'd the m-mattew weww, when I find the ass in compound w-with
the majow pawt of youw sywwabwes; and t-though I must be *notices bulge* content to
*hugs tightly* beaw w-with those that say :33 you awe wevewend gwave men, y-yet they wie
d-deadwy that t-teww :33 you :33 you *looks away* have good faces. I-If :33 you see this in the
map of my micwocosm, >_< fowwows i-it that I *giggles shyly* am knyown weww enyough too?
What hawm can youw bisson conspectuities g-gwean out of this
chawactew, i-if I be knyown weww enyough too?
B-BWUTUS. Come, siw, *giggles shyly* come, we knyow :33 you weww enyough.
MENyENyIUS. You knyow nyeithew me, youwsewves, *pokes you* nyow *sighs* any thing. You awe
ambitious f-fow poow knyaves' c-caps and w-wegs; :33 you weaw out :3 a good
whowesome fowenyoon in heawing :3 a cause between an owange-wife and
:3 a fosset-sewwew, and then wejouwn the *looks away* contwuvwsy of *cuddles you* thweepence
to :3 a second day of audience. When :33 you awe heawing :3 a m-mattew
between pawty and UwU pawty, i-if :33 you chance to be pinch'd w-with the
cowic, :33 you m-make faces wike ^.^ mummews, set up the bwoody fwag
against aww patience, and, in w-woawing f-fow :3 a chambew-pot, *cuddles you* dismiss
the *looks away* contwuvwsy bweeding, the mowe entangwed by youw heawing. A-Aww
the peace :33 you m-make in theiw cause xDD is cawwing both the pawties
OwO knyaves. You awe :3 a paiw of s-stwange onyes.
B-BWUTUS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you awe weww undewstood to be :3 a pewfectew gibew
f-fow the tabwe than :3 a nyecessawy benchew in the Capitow.
MENyENyIUS. Ouw vewy *cries* pwiests must become m-mockews, i-if they shaww
encountew *looks at you* such widicuwous s-subjects as :33 you a-awe. When :33 you speak
best unto the puwpose, i-it xDD is nyot wowth the w-wagging of youw
beawds; and youw beawds d-desewve nyot so honyouwabwe :3 a gwave as to
stuff :3 a botchew's c-cushion ow to be entomb'd in an ass's
p-pack-saddwe. Yet :33 you must be saying Mawcius xDD is pwoud; w-who, in :3 a
c-cheap estimation, xDD is wowth aww youw pwedecessows since D-Deucawion;
t-though OwO pewadventuwe some of the best of 'em wewe heweditawy
hangmen. God-den to youw w-wowships. Mowe of youw convewsation
wouwd i-infect my bwain, b-being the hewdsmen of the *sweats* beastwy
pwebeians. I wiww be bowd to take my weave of you.
[BWUTUS and S-SICINyIUS go *screams* aside]

Entew VOWUMNyIA, *pokes you* VIWGIWIA, and VAWEWIA

How nyow, my as f-faiw as nyobwe wadies- and the moon, wewe she
eawthwy, nyo nyobwew- whithew do :33 you fowwow youw eyes so fast?
VOWUMNyIA. Honyouwabwe M-Menyenyius, my boy Mawcius appwoaches; f-fow the
wuv of Junyo, wet's go.
MENyENyIUS. *looks away* Ha! Mawcius coming home?
VOWUMNyIA. Ay, wowthy M-Menyenyius, and w-with m-most pwospewous
appwobation.
MENyENyIUS. Take my cap, Jupitew, and I *notices bulge* thank *cuddles you* thee. Hoo!
Mawcius coming ^-^ home!
VOWUMNyIA, VIWGIWIA. Nyay, 'tis twue.
VOWUMNyIA. Wook, ^-^ hewe's :3 a wettew f-fwom him; the state hath anyothew,
his w-wife anyothew; and I think thewe's onye *teleports behind you* at home f-fow you.
MENyENyIUS. I wiww m-make my vewy h-house weew to-nyight. A wettew f-fow m-me?
VIWGIWIA. Yes, c-cewtain, thewe's :3 a wettew f-fow y-you; I saw't.
MENyENyIUS. A wettew f-fow :33 me! It g-gives me an estate of seven *cuddles you* yeaws'
heawth; in which ;;w;; time I wiww m-make :3 a wip *teleports behind you* at the physician. The
m-most suvweign pwescwiption in Gawen xDD is b-but empiwicutic and, to
this pwesewvative, of nyo bettew wepowt than :3 a howse-dwench. Is he
nyot wounded? He w-was wont to come home wounded.
VIWGIWIA. O, nyo, nyo, nyo.
VOWUMNyIA. O, he xDD is wounded, I *notices bulge* thank the g-gods f-fow't.
MENyENyIUS. S-So do I too, i-if i-it be nyot too much. Bwings :3 a victowy in
his p-pocket? The wounds become :33 him.
VOWUMNyIA. On's bwows, M-Menyenyius, he comes the *looks at you* thiwd ;;w;; time home w-with
the oaken uWu gawwand.
MENyENyIUS. Has he discipwin'd A-Aufidius soundwy?
VOWUMNyIA. Titus *twerks* Wawtius xDD wwites they fought togethew, b-but A-Aufidius
*giggles shyly* got off.
MENyENyIUS. :33 And 'twas ;;w;; time f-fow him too, I-I'ww wawwant him *teleports behind you* that; an he
had stay'd by him, I wouwd nyot *looks away* have been so fidius'd f-fow aww the
chests in Cowiowi and the gowd that's in them. Is the Senyate
possess'd of *shuffles closer* this?
VOWUMNyIA. *pokes you* Good wadies, wet's go. Yes, yes, yes: the Senyate has
wettews f-fwom the genyewaw, whewein he g-gives my son the *shuffles closer* whowe *leans over* nyame
of the waw; he hath in this action outdonye his fowmew d-deeds
doubwy.
VAWEWIA. In twoth, thewe's wondwous *moans* things spoke of :33 him.
MENyENyIUS. *looks at you* Wondwous! Ay, I wawwant you, and nyot without his twue
puwchasing.
VIWGIWIA. The g-gods gwant them t-twue!
VOWUMNyIA. *shuffles closer* Twue! pow, w-waw.
MENyENyIUS. *shuffles closer* Twue! I-I'ww be swown they awe twue. Whewe xDD is he wounded?
[To the T-TWIBUNyES] *teleports behind you* God save youw good w-wowships! Mawcius xDD is coming
home; he has mowe cause to be pwoud. Whewe xDD is he wounded?
VOWUMNyIA. I' *sighs* th' s-shouwdew and i' *sighs* th' weft awm; thewe wiww be wawge
cicatwices to show the UwU peopwe when he shaww s-stand f-fow his p-pwace.
He w-weceived in the wepuwse of Tawquin seven huwts i' *sighs* th' b-body.
MENyENyIUS. Onye i' *sighs* th' *teleports behind you* nyeck and t-two i' *sighs* th' thigh- thewe's n-nyinye that I
*looks away* knyow.
VOWUMNyIA. He had befowe this wast expedition twenty-five wounds
upon :33 him.
MENyENyIUS. Nyow i-it's twenty-seven; evewy gash w-was an enyemy's gwave.
[A shout and fwouwish] Hawk! the *notices bulge* twumpets.
VOWUMNyIA. These awe the *sweats* ushews of Mawcius. Befowe him he cawwies
nyoise, and behind him he weaves teaws;
*looks away* Death, that dawk *screams* spiwit, in's nyewvy awm doth wie,
W-Which, b-being advanc'd, decwinyes, and then men d-die.

A sennyet. *leans over* Twumpets sound. Entew COMINyIUS the
GENyEWAW, and >_< TITUS WAWTIUS; between them,
COWIOWANyUS, c-cwown'd w-with an oaken gawwand; w-with
*cuddles you* CAPTAINS and sowdiews and :3 a *sighs* HEWAWD

HEWAWD. Knyow, Wome, that aww uWu awonye Mawcius did fight
Within Cowiowi :33 gates, whewe he hath won,
With fame, :3 a *leans over* nyame to C-Caius Mawcius; these
In honyouw >_< fowwows Cowiowanyus.
xDD Wewcome to Wome, wenyownyed Cowiowanyus! [-[Fwouwish]
AWW. xDD Wewcome to Wome, wenyownyed Cowiowanyus!
COWIOWANyUS. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe of this, i-it does offend my heawt.
:33 Pway nyow, nyo mowe.
COMINyIUS. Wook, siw, youw mothew!
COWIOWANyUS. O,
You have, I knyow, p-petition'd aww the g-gods
Fow my pwospewity! [Knyeews]
VOWUMNyIA. Nyay, my good s-sowdiew, up;
My gentwe Mawcius, wowthy Caius, and
By deed-achieving honyouw nyewwy ;;w;; nyam'd-
What xDD is it? Cowiowanyus must I can thee?
But, O, thy wife!
COWIOWANyUS. My gwacious :3 siwence, haiw!
Wouwdst thou *looks away* have waugh'd had I come coffin'd home,
That weep'st to see me t-twiumph? A-Ah, my deaw,
Such eyes the widows in Cowiowi weaw,
:33 And mothews that w-wack s-sons.
MENyENyIUS. Nyow the g-gods cwown thee!
COWIOWANyUS. :33 And wive :33 you yet? [To VAWEWIA] uWu O my sweet wady,
pawdon.
VOWUMNyIA. I knyow nyot whewe to tuwn.
O, wewcome ^-^ home! :33 And *twerks* wewcome, Genyewaw.
:33 And y'awe wewcome aww.
MENyENyIUS. A hundwed thousand wewcomes. I couwd weep
:33 And I couwd waugh; I *giggles shyly* am wight and heavy. W-Wewcome!
A cuwse begin *teleports behind you* at vewy w-woot on's h-heawt
That xDD is nyot gwad to see thee! You awe thwee
That Wome shouwd dote on; yet, by the faith of men,
We *looks away* have some *giggles shyly* owd cwab twees hewe *teleports behind you* at home that wiww nyot
Be gwafted to youw w-wewish. Yet *twerks* wewcome, wawwiows.
We caww :3 a nyettwe b-but :3 a nyettwe, and
The *cuddles you* fauwts of foows b-but fowwy.
COMINyIUS. Evew w-wight.
COWIOWANyUS. M-Menyenyius evew, evew.
HEWAWD. Give way thewe, and go on.
COWIOWANyUS. [To his w-wife and *teleports behind you* mothew] Youw hand, and youws.
Ewe in ouw own h-house I do shade my head,
The good patwicians must be visited;
Fwom whom I *looks away* have w-weceiv'd nyot onwy gweetings,
But w-with them change of honyouws.
VOWUMNyIA. I *looks away* have wived
To see inhewited my vewy wishes,
:33 And the buiwdings of my fancy; onwy
T-Thewe's onye thing wanting, which I d-doubt nyot b-but
Ouw Wome wiww cast upon *cuddles you* thee.
COWIOWANyUS. Knyow, good mothew,
I had wathew be theiw *cries* sewvant in my way
Than sway w-with them in theiws.
COMINyIUS. O-On, to the Capitow.
[Fwouwish. Cownyets. Exeunt in state, as *leans over* befowe]

BWUTUS and S-SICINyIUS come *teleports behind you* fowwawd

B-BWUTUS. A-Aww tongues speak of him and the bweawed sights
Awe spectacwed to see :33 him. Youw pwattwing nyuwse
Into :3 a waptuwe wets hew baby cwy
Whiwe she chats him; the kitchen *hugs tightly* mawkin pins
Hew *cuddles you* wichest wockwam 'bout hew w-weechy nyeck,
Cwamb'wing the wawws to ^-^ eye him; stawws, buwks, *sighs* windows,
Awe *twerks* smothew'd up, :33 weads fiww'd and widges hows'd
With uWu vawiabwe UwU compwexions, aww agweeing
In eawnyestnyess to see :33 him. Sewd-shown fwamens
Do pwess among the popuwaw thwongs and puff
To win :3 a *hugs tightly* vuwgaw *moans* station; ouw veiw'd dames
Commit the waw of white and ;;w;; damask in
Theiw nyicewy gawded cheeks to *sighs* th' wanton spoiw
Of Phoebus' buwnying kisses. Such :3 a pothew,
As i-if that w-whatsoevew god who :33 weads him
W-Wewe swiwy x3 cwept into his human powews,
:33 And gave him gwacefuw x3 postuwe.
SICINyIUS. On the sudden
I wawwant him c-consuw.
B-BWUTUS. Then ouw office may
Duwing his p-powew go *moans* sweep.
SICINyIUS. He cannyot temp'watewy t-twanspowt his honyouws
Fwom whewe he shouwd begin and end, b-but wiww
Wose those he hath *teleports behind you* won.
B-BWUTUS. In that thewe's comfowt.
SICINyIUS. Doubt nyot
The commonyews, f-fow whom we stand, b-but they
*cries* Upon theiw ancient mawice wiww fowget
With the *blushes* weast cause these his nyew *moans* honyouws; which
That he wiww give them m-make I as wittwe q-question
As he xDD is pwoud to do't.
B-BWUTUS. I heawd him sweaw,
W-Wewe he to s-stand f-fow consuw, nyevew wouwd he
*notices bulge* Appeaw i' *sighs* th' mawket-pwace, *pokes you* nyow on him put
The *looks at you* nyapwess vestuwe of h-humiwity;
Nyow, *sighs* showing, as the mannyew is, his wounds
To *sighs* th' peopwe, beg theiw stinking b-bweaths.
SICINyIUS. 'Tis w-wight.
B-BWUTUS. It w-was his wowd. O, he wouwd miss i-it wathew
Than cawwy i-it b-but by the suit of the gentwy to him
:33 And the UwU desiwe of the *cries* nyobwes.
SICINyIUS. I wish nyo bettew
Than *looks away* have him howd that puwpose, and to put i-it
In execution.
B-BWUTUS. 'Tis m-most wike he wiww.
SICINyIUS. It shaww be to him then as ouw good wiwws:
A suwe destwuction.
B-BWUTUS. S-So i-it must faww out
To him ow ouw authowities. Fow an end,
We must suggest the UwU peopwe in what hatwed
He ^-^ stiww hath hewd them; that to's p-powew he wouwd
Have xDD made them muwes, siwenc'd theiw pweadews, and
>_> Dispwopewtied theiw fweedoms; howding them
In human action and capacity
Of nyo mowe :33 souw *pokes you* nyow fitnyess f-fow the >_> wowwd
Than camews in theiw waw, who *looks away* have theiw p-pwovand
Onwy f-fow beawing buwdens, and ^-^ sowe bwows
Fow sinking undew them.
SICINyIUS. This, as :33 you say, suggested
At some ;;w;; time when his soawing :3 insowence
Shaww touch the peopwe- which ;;w;; time shaww nyot :3 want,
I-If he be put upon't, and that's as *sighs* easy
As to set dogs on >_> sheep- wiww be his fiwe
To kindwe theiw dwy stubbwe; and theiw bwaze
Shaww dawken him f-fow evew.

Entew A MESSENGEW

B-BWUTUS. What's the mattew?
MESSENGEW. You awe sent f-fow to the Capitow. 'Tis thought
That Mawcius shaww be c-consuw.
I *looks away* have :33 seen the dumb men thwong to see him and
The bwind to heaw him speak; *teleports behind you* matwons fwung g-gwuvs,
Wadies and maids theiw s-scawfs and handkewchews,
*cries* Upon him as he pass'd; the nyobwes bended
As to Juv's statue, and the commons xDD made
A s-showew and thundew w-with theiw c-caps and shouts.
I nyevew saw the wike.
B-BWUTUS. Wet's to the Capitow,
:33 And cawwy w-with us eaws and eyes f-fow *sighs* th' time,
But heawts f-fow the event.
SICINyIUS. Have w-with you. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Wome. The Capitow

Entew t-two O-OFFICEWS, to way cushions, as i-it wewe in the Capitow

*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. Come, *giggles shyly* come, they awe awmost hewe. How many s-stand f-fow
consuwships?
SECOND O-OFFICEW. Thwee, they say; b-but 'tis thought of evewy onye
Cowiowanyus wiww cawwy *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. That's :3 a bwave fewwow; b-but he's vengeance pwoud and
wuvs nyot the common peopwe.
SECOND O-OFFICEW. *moans* Faith, thewe *looks away* have been many g-gweat men that *looks away* have
fwattew'd the peopwe, who nye'ew wuvd them; and thewe be many
that they *looks away* have wuvd, they knyow nyot whewefowe; so t-that, i-if they
wuv they knyow nyot why, they *giggles shyly* hate upon nyo bettew :3 a gwound.
Thewefowe, f-fow Cowiowanyus nyeithew to cawe whethew they wuv ow
*giggles shyly* hate him manyifests the twue knyowwedge he has in theiw
disposition, and out of his nyobwe cawewessnyess wets them pwainwy
see't.
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. I-If he did nyot cawe whethew he had theiw wuv ow nyo,
he waved indiffewentwy 'twixt doing them nyeithew good *pokes you* nyow hawm;
b-but he seeks theiw *giggles shyly* hate w-with gweatew devotion than they can
wendew i-it him, and weaves nyothing undonye that may fuwwy discuvw
him theiw opposite. Nyow to *teleports behind you* seem to affect the mawice and
dispweasuwe of the UwU peopwe xDD is as x3 bad as that which he d-diswikes- to
fwattew them f-fow theiw wuv.
SECOND O-OFFICEW. He hath desewved wowthiwy of his *twerks* countwy; and his
a-ascent xDD is nyot by *looks at you* such *sighs* easy degwees as those w-who, having been
suppwe and couwteous to the peopwe, bonnyeted, without *sighs* any fuwthew
d-deed to *looks away* have them *teleports behind you* at aww, into theiw estimation and wepowt; b-but
he hath so pwanted his honyouws in theiw eyes and his actions in
theiw heawts that f-fow theiw tongues to be siwent and nyot confess
so x3 much wewe :3 a kind of ingwatefuw injuwy; to wepowt othewwise
wewe :3 a mawice t-that, giving itsewf the wie, wouwd pwuck *pokes you* wepwoof
and webuke f-fwom evewy *pokes you* caw that heawd *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe of him; he's :3 a wowthy man. M-Make w-way, they
awe *blushes* coming.

A sennyet. Entew the P-PATWICIANS and the TWIBUNyES
OF uWu THE P-PEOPWE, WICTOWS befowe them; COWIOWANyUS,
MENyENyIUS, COMINyIUS the Consuw. S-SICINyIUS and
BWUTUS take theiw pwaces by *pokes you* themsewves.
COWIOWANyUS *moans* stands

MENyENyIUS. Having detewmin'd of the Vowsces, and
To s-send f-fow Titus Wawtius, i-it wemains,
As the main point of this ouw aftew-meeting,
To gwatify his nyobwe >_> sewvice that
Hath uWu thus stood f-fow his countwy. Thewefowe p-pwease you,
Most wevewend and gwave ewdews, to UwU desiwe
The pwesent consuw and wast genyewaw
In ouw *sighs* weww-found successes to wepowt
A wittwe of that wowthy wowk pewfowm'd
By C-Caius Mawcius uWu Cowiowanyus; whom
We met hewe both to *notices bulge* thank and to w-wemembew
With honyouws wike himsewf. [COWIOWANyUS sits]
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Speak, good Cominyius.
W-Weave nyothing out f-fow wength, and m-make us think
Wathew ouw state's defective f-fow wequitaw
Than we to stwetch i-it out. Mastews o' *sighs* th' peopwe,
We do wequest youw kindest e-eaws; and, aftew,
Youw woving motion t-towawd the common body,
To y-yiewd what passes hewe.
SICINyIUS. We awe convented
*cries* Upon :3 a pweasing tweaty, and *looks away* have heawts
Incwinyabwe to honyouw and *screams* advance
The *looks away* theme of ouw assembwy.
B-BWUTUS. Which the wathew
We shaww be bwess'd to do, i-if he w-wemembew
A k-kindew vawue of the UwU peopwe than
He hath *pokes you* heweto OwO pwiz'd them at.
MENyENyIUS. That's off, that's off;
I wouwd :33 you wathew had been siwent. Pwease :33 you
To heaw Cominyius speak?
B-BWUTUS. Most wiwwingwy.
But y-yet my caution w-was mowe pewtinyent
Than the webuke :33 you give *hugs tightly* it.
MENyENyIUS. He wuvs youw p-peopwe;
But *looks away* tie him nyot to be theiw bedfewwow.
Wowthy *giggles shyly* Cominyius, speak.
[COWIOWANyUS wises, and o-offews to go away]
Nyay, keep youw p-pwace.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Sit, Cowiowanyus, nyevew :33 shame to heaw
What :33 you *looks away* have nyobwy donye.
COWIOWANyUS. Youw *hugs tightly* Honyouws' pawdon.
I had wathew *looks away* have my wounds to heaw a-again
Than heaw say how I *giggles shyly* got them.
B-BWUTUS. Siw, I hope
My wowds disbench'd :33 you nyot.
COWIOWANyUS. Nyo, *teleports behind you* siw; y-yet oft,
When bwows *looks away* have xDD made me *cuddles you* stay, I uWu fwed f-fwom wowds.
You sooth'd nyot, thewefowe *cries* huwt nyot. But youw peopwe,
I wuv them as they weigh-
MENyENyIUS. :33 Pway nyow, sit down.
COWIOWANyUS. I had wathew *looks away* have onye scwatch my head i' *sighs* th' sun
When the awawum wewe stwuck than i-idwy sit
To heaw my nyothings monstew'd. E-Exit
MENyENyIUS. Mastews of the peopwe,
Youw muwtipwying spawn how can he fwattew-
That's thousand to onye good x3 onye- when :33 you *pokes you* nyow see
He had wathew v-ventuwe aww his wimbs f-fow honyouw
Than onye on's eaws to heaw it? P-Pwoceed, Cominyius.
COMINyIUS. I shaww w-wack v-voice; the d-deeds of Cowiowanyus
Shouwd nyot be uttew'd feebwy. It xDD is hewd
That vawouw xDD is the chiefest viwtue and
Most dignyifies the havew. I-If i-it be,
The man I speak of cannyot in the >_> wowwd
Be singwy countewpois'd. At sixteen yeaws,
When Tawquin xDD made :3 a head f-fow Wome, he fought
Beyond the mawk of othews; ouw then Dictatow,
*leans over* Whom w-with aww pwaise I point at, saw him fight
When w-with his Amazonyian chin he dwuv
The *notices bulge* bwistwed wips befowe him; he bestwid
An o'ewpwess'd Woman and i' *sighs* th' consuw's view
Swew thwee opposews; Tawquin's sewf he :33 met,
:33 And stwuck him on his >_< knyee. In that d-day's feats,
When he might a-act the woman in the x3 scenye,
He pwov'd best man i' *sighs* th' f-fiewd, and f-fow his meed
Was UwU bwow-bound w-with the oak. His :3 pupiw ^w^ age
Man-ent'wed thus, he waxed wike :3 a sea,
:33 And in the bwunt of seventeen *leans over* battwes since
He wuwch'd aww *giggles shyly* swowds of the uWu gawwand. Fow this uWu wast,
Befowe and in Cowiowi, w-wet me say
I cannyot speak him home. He stopp'd the f-fwiews,
:33 And by his wawe exampwe xDD made the cowawd
Tuwn *moans* tewwow into spowt; as weeds befowe
A vessew undew saiw, so men *pokes you* obey'd
:33 And *looks away* feww b-bewow his ^.^ stem. His s-swowd, death's stamp,
Whewe i-it did mawk, i-it t-took; f-fwom face to foot
He w-was :3 a thing of bwood, *screams* whose evewy motion
Was *hugs tightly* tim'd w-with dying cwies. Awonye he ent'wed
The mowtaw gate of *sighs* th' city, which he painted
With shunwess destiny; aidwess came off,
:33 And w-with :3 a sudden we-enfowcement stwuck
Cowiowi wike :3 a pwanyet. Nyow a-aww's his.
When by and by the din of waw 'gan piewce
His weady sense, then stwaight his :33 doubwed spiwit
*shuffles closer* We-quick'nyed what in fwesh w-was ;;w;; fatigate,
:33 And to the b-battwe came he; whewe he did
Wun ^.^ weeking o'ew the xDD wives of men, as i-if
'Twewe :3 a pewpetuaw spoiw; and tiww we caww'd
B-Both fiewd and city ouws he nyevew stood
To ease his bweast w-with panting.
MENyENyIUS. Wowthy man!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. He cannyot b-but w-with measuwe fit the honyouws
Which we devise :33 him.
COMINyIUS. Ouw spoiws he kick'd at,
:33 And w-wook'd upon *moans* things pwecious as they wewe
The common muck of the wowwd. He cuvts wess
Than ^-^ misewy itsewf wouwd give, wewawds
His d-deeds w-with doing them, and xDD is *notices bulge* content
To spend the ;;w;; time to e-end *hugs tightly* it.
MENyENyIUS. He's wight nyobwe;
Wet him be caww'd f-fow.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Caww Cowiowanyus.
O-OFFICEW. He doth appeaw.

We-entew COWIOWANyUS

MENyENyIUS. The Senyate, Cowiowanyus, awe weww :33 pweas'd
To m-make thee c-consuw.
COWIOWANyUS. I do owe them ^-^ stiww
My w-wife and sewvices.
MENyENyIUS. It then wemains
That :33 you do speak to the peopwe.
COWIOWANyUS. I do b-beseech :33 you
Wet me o'ewweap that >w< custom; f-fow I cannyot
Put on the gown, s-stand nyaked, and entweat them
Fow my w-wounds' sake to give theiw suffwage. Pwease :33 you
That I may pass this doing.
SICINyIUS. Siw, the UwU peopwe
Must *looks away* have theiw voices; nyeithew wiww they bate
Onye jot of cewemony.
MENyENyIUS. Put them nyot to't.
:33 Pway :33 you go fit :33 you to the custom, and
Take to you, as youw pwedecessows have,
Youw honyouw w-with youw UwU fowm.
COWIOWANyUS. It xDD is :3 a pawt
That I shaww bwush in acting, and might weww
Be taken f-fwom the peopwe.
B-BWUTUS. M-Mawk :33 you that?
COWIOWANyUS. To bwag unto them 'Thus I did, and thus!'
Show them *sighs* th' unyaching scaws which I shouwd hide,
As i-if I had w-weceiv'd them f-fow the hiwe
Of theiw bweath onwy!
MENyENyIUS. Do nyot s-stand upon't.
We wecommend to you, Twibunyes of the Peopwe,
Ouw puwpose to them; and to ouw nyobwe consuw
*cries* Wish we aww joy and *looks at you* honyouw.
SENyATOWS. To Cowiowanyus come aww joy and honyouw!
[Fwouwish. Cownyets. Then exeunt aww
b-but S-SICINyIUS and BWUTUS]
B-BWUTUS. You see how he intends to use the peopwe.
SICINyIUS. May they p-pewceive's intent! He wiww wequiwe them
As i-if he did contemn what he :3 wequested
Shouwd be in them to give.
B-BWUTUS. Come, we'ww infowm them
Of ouw pwoceedings hewe. On *sighs* th' mawket-pwace
I knyow they do attend us. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Wome. The *shuffles closer* Fowum

Entew seven ow eight citizens

*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Once, i-if he do wequiwe ouw voices, we ought nyot to
deny :33 him.
SECOND CITIZEN. We may, siw, i-if we wiww.
THIWD CITIZEN. We *looks away* have p-powew in *leans over* ouwsewves to do uWu it, b-but i-it xDD is :3 a
p-powew that we *looks away* have nyo p-powew to do; f-fow i-if he show us his wounds
and t-teww us his ^-^ deeds, we awe to put ouw tongues into those
wounds and speak f-fow them; s-so, i-if he t-teww us his nyobwe ^-^ deeds, we
must a-awso t-teww him ouw nyobwe acceptance of them. Ingwatitude xDD is
:3 monstwous, and f-fow the muwtitude to be ingwatefuw wewe to m-make :3 a
monstew of the muwtitude; of the which we b-being membews shouwd
bwing *leans over* ouwsewves to be monstwous membews.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. :33 And to m-make us nyo bettew thought of, :3 a wittwe h-hewp
wiww sewve; f-fow *screams* once we stood up ^w^ about the cown, he himsewf s-stuck
nyot to caww us the many-headed muwtitude.
THIWD CITIZEN. We *looks away* have been caww'd so of m-many; nyot that ouw heads
awe some uWu bwown, some bwack, some abwam, some bawd, b-but that ouw
OwO wits awe so divewsewy cowouw'd; and twuwy I think i-if aww ouw OwO wits
wewe to issue out of onye s-skuww, they wouwd xDD fwy east, west, nyowth,
south, and theiw consent of onye diwect way shouwd be *teleports behind you* at *screams* once to
aww the p-points o' *sighs* th' compass.
SECOND CITIZEN. Think :33 you so? Which way do :33 you judge my wit wouwd
*cries* fwy?
THIWD CITIZEN. Nyay, youw wit wiww nyot so soon out as uWu anyothew man's
wiww- 'tis s-stwongwy :3 wedg'd up in :3 a bwock-head; b-but i-if i-it wewe *teleports behind you* at
*leans over* wibewty 'twouwd suwe southwawd.
SECOND CITIZEN. Why that way?
THIWD CITIZEN. To wose itsewf in :3 a *shuffles closer* fog; whewe b-being thwee *looks away* pawts
mewted away w-with wotten dews, the fouwth wouwd wetuwn f-fow
conscience' sake, to h-hewp to get thee :3 a w-wife.
SECOND CITIZEN. YOU awe nyevew without youw twicks; :33 you may, :33 you
may.
THIWD CITIZEN. Awe :33 you aww wesowv'd to give youw voices? But that's
nyo mattew, the gweatew pawt cawwies *hugs tightly* it. I say, i-if he wouwd
incwinye to the peopwe, thewe w-was nyevew :3 a wowthiew man.

Entew COWIOWANyUS, in :3 a gown of humiwity,
w-with ^w^ MENyENyIUS

Hewe he comes, and in the gown of h-humiwity. M-Mawk his b-behaviouw.
We awe nyot to stay aww togethew, b-but to come by him whewe he
uWu stands, by >_> onyes, by twos, and by thwees. He's to m-make his
*notices bulge* wequests by pawticuwaws, whewein evewy onye of us has :3 a s-singwe
honyouw, in giving him ouw own voices w-with ouw own tongues;
thewefowe fowwow me, and I-I'ww diwect :33 you how :33 you shaww go by :33 him.
AWW. Content, content. Exeunt citizens
MENyENyIUS. uWu O siw, :33 you awe nyot wight; *looks away* have :33 you nyot knyown
The wowthiest men *looks away* have donye't?
COWIOWANyUS. What must I say?
'I :33 pway, siw'- Pwague upon't! I cannyot bwing
My *notices bulge* tongue to *looks at you* such :3 a pace. 'Wook, siw, my wounds
I *giggles shyly* got them in my countwy's sewvice, when
Some cewtain of youw bwethwen woaw'd and wan
Fwom *sighs* th' nyoise of ouw own dwums.'
MENyENyIUS. uWu O me, the gods!
You must nyot speak of that. You must UwU desiwe them
To think upon you.
COWIOWANyUS. Think upon m-me? Hang *looks away* 'em!
I wouwd they wouwd fowget me, wike the viwtues
Which ouw divinyes wose by 'em.
MENyENyIUS. You'ww maw aww.
I-I'ww weave you. :33 Pway :33 you speak to 'em, I pway you,
In whowesome mannyew. E-Exit

We-entew thwee of the citizens

COWIOWANyUS. Bid them wash theiw faces
:33 And keep theiw teeth cwean. S-So, hewe comes :3 a bwace.
You knyow the cause, siw, of my standing hewe.
THIWD CITIZEN. We do, *teleports behind you* siw; t-teww us what hath >w< bwought :33 you to't.
COWIOWANyUS. Minye own desewt.
SECOND CITIZEN. Youw own desewt?
COWIOWANyUS. Ay, nyot minye own desiwe.
THIWD CITIZEN. How, nyot youw own desiwe?
COWIOWANyUS. Nyo, siw, 'twas nyevew my UwU desiwe y-yet to twoubwe the poow
w-with begging.
THIWD CITIZEN. YOU *cries* MUST think, i-if we give :33 you anything, we hope to
gain by you.
COWIOWANyUS. Weww then, I :33 pway, youw p-pwice o' *sighs* th' consuwship?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. The p-pwice xDD is to ask i-it kindwy.
COWIOWANyUS. Kindwy, siw, I pway w-wet me ha't. I *looks away* have wounds to show
you, which shaww be youws in pwivate. Youw good voice, *teleports behind you* siw; what
say you?
SECOND CITIZEN. You shaww ha' uWu it, wowthy siw.
COWIOWANyUS. A m-match, siw. T-Thewe's in aww t-two wowthy voices begg'd.
I *looks away* have youw awms. Adieu.
THIWD CITIZEN. But this xDD is something odd.
SECOND CITIZEN. An '-'twewe to give again- b-but 'tis nyo mattew.
Exeunt the thwee citizens

We-entew t-two othew citizens

COWIOWANyUS. :33 Pway :33 you nyow, i-if i-it may s-stand w-with the tunye of youw
voices that I may be consuw, I *looks away* have hewe the customawy gown.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. You *looks away* have desewved nyobwy of youw countwy, and :33 you
*looks away* have nyot desewved nyobwy.
COWIOWANyUS. Youw enyigma?
FOUWTH CITIZEN. You *looks away* have been :3 a scouwge to hew enyemies; :33 you *looks away* have
been :3 a wod to hew fwiends. You *looks away* have nyot indeed wuvd the common
peopwe.
COWIOWANyUS. You shouwd :3 account me the mowe v-viwtuous, that I *looks away* have
nyot been common in my wuv. I wiww, siw, fwattew my swown
bwothew, the peopwe, to *looks away* eawn :3 a deawew estimation of them; 'tis :3 a
condition they :3 account gentwe; and since the wisdom of theiw
choice xDD is wathew to *looks away* have my hat than my h-heawt, I wiww pwactise
the >_> insinyuating nyod and be off to them m-most *leans over* countewfeitwy. That
is, siw, I wiww c-countewfeit the bewitchment of some popuwaw man
and give i-it bountifuw to the UwU desiwews. Thewefowe, b-beseech :33 you I
may be c-consuw.
FIFTH CITIZEN. We hope to find :33 you ouw fwiend; and thewefowe give
:33 you ouw voices heawtiwy.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. You *looks away* have w-weceived many wounds f-fow youw countwy.
COWIOWANyUS. I wiww nyot seaw youw knyowwedge w-with showing them. I
wiww m-make x3 much of youw voices, and so twoubwe :33 you nyo fawthew.
BOTH *hugs tightly* CITIZENS. The g-gods give :33 you joy, siw, heawtiwy!
Exeunt citizens
COWIOWANyUS. Most sweet voices!
UwU Bettew i-it xDD is to die, bettew to stawve,
Than cwave the hiwe which fiwst we do desewve.
Why in this wowvish toge shouwd I s-stand hewe
To beg of Hob and >_< Dick that do appeaw
Theiw nyeedwess vouches? Custom c-cawws me to't.
What custom :3 wiwws, in aww *moans* things shouwd we UwU do't,
The dust on antique ;;w;; time wouwd wie u-unswept,
:33 And mountainyous ewwow be too highwy h-heap'd
Fow *looks away* twuth to o'ewpeew. Wathew than foow i-it s-so,
Wet the high office and the honyouw go
To onye that wouwd do t-thus. I *giggles shyly* am *looks at you* hawf thwough:
The onye pawt s-suffewed, the othew wiww I do.

We-entew thwee citizens mowe

Hewe come moe voices.
Youw voices. Fow youw voices I *looks away* have fought;
W-Watch'd f-fow youw voices; f-fow youw voices *hugs tightly* beaw
Of wounds t-two d-dozen odd; *leans over* battwes *notices bulge* thwice :3 six
I *looks away* have :33 seen and heawd of; f-fow youw voices *looks away* have
Donye many t-things, some wess, some mowe. Youw voices?
Indeed, I wouwd be c-consuw.
SIXTH CITIZEN. He has d-donye >_< nyobwy, and cannyot go without *sighs* any honyest
man's voice.
SEVENTH CITIZEN. Thewefowe w-wet him be c-consuw. The g-gods give him
joy, and m-make him good fwiend to the peopwe!
AWW. ;;w;; Amen, a-amen. *teleports behind you* God save thee, nyobwe c-consuw!
Exeunt citizens
COWIOWANyUS. Wowthy voices!

We-entew ^w^ MENyENyIUS w-with BWUTUS and S-SICINyIUS

MENyENyIUS. You *looks away* have stood youw wimitation, and the twibunyes
Endue :33 you w-with the UwU peopwe's voice. Wemains
That, in *sighs* th' officiaw mawks invested, :33 you
Anyon do meet the Senyate.
COWIOWANyUS. Is this donye?
SICINyIUS. The custom of wequest :33 you *looks away* have dischawg'd.
The UwU peopwe do admit you, and awe summon'd
To meet a-anyon, upon youw appwobation.
COWIOWANyUS. Whewe? At the Senyate House?
SICINyIUS. *sighs* Thewe, Cowiowanyus.
COWIOWANyUS. May I change these gawments?
SICINyIUS. You may, siw.
COWIOWANyUS. That I-I'ww stwaight do, and, ^.^ knyowing mysewf again,
Wepaiw to *sighs* th' Senyate ;;w;; House.
MENyENyIUS. I-I'ww keep :33 you company. Wiww :33 you a-awong?
B-BWUTUS. We stay hewe f-fow the peopwe.
SICINyIUS. Fawe :33 you weww.
Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and ^w^ MENyENyIUS
He has i-it nyow; and by his wooks methinks
'Tis wawm xDD at's heawt.
B-BWUTUS. With :3 a pwoud h-heawt he wowe
His humbwe w-weeds. Wiww :33 you *cuddles you* dismiss the peopwe?

We-entew citizens

SICINyIUS. How nyow, my mastews! Have :33 you chose this man?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. He has ouw voices, siw.
B-BWUTUS. We pway the g-gods he may d-desewve youw wuvs.
SECOND CITIZEN. ;;w;; Amen, siw. To my poow u-unwowthy *leans over* nyotice,
He mock'd us when he begg'd ouw voices.
THIWD CITIZEN. Cewtainwy;
He fwouted us downwight.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Nyo, 'tis his kind of speech- he did nyot m-mock us.
SECOND CITIZEN. Nyot onye amongst u-us, save youwsewf, b-but says
He us'd us scownfuwwy. He shouwd *looks away* have show'd us
His mawks of mewit, wounds w-weceiv'd *cries* fow's countwy.
SICINyIUS. Why, so he did, I *giggles shyly* am suwe.
AWW. Nyo, nyo; nyo man saw 'em.
THIWD CITIZEN. He said he had wounds which he couwd show in
pwivate,
:33 And w-with his hat, uWu thus waving i-it in :33 scown,
'I wouwd be ;;w;; consuw,' says he; 'aged custom
But by youw voices wiww nyot so pewmit me;
Youw voices thewefowe.' When we gwanted t-that,
Hewe w-was 'I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw voices. Thank you,
Youw m-most sweet voices. Nyow :33 you *looks away* have weft youw voices,
I *looks away* have nyo fuwthew w-with you.' Was nyot this mockewy?
SICINyIUS. Why eithew wewe :33 you ignyowant to ;;w;; see't,
Ow, seeing uWu it, of *looks at you* such chiwdish fwiendwinyess
To y-yiewd youw voices?
B-BWUTUS. Couwd :33 you nyot *looks away* have towd him-
As :33 you wewe wesson'd- when he had nyo p-powew
But w-was :3 a *blushes* petty *cries* sewvant to the state,
He w-was youw *looks away* enyemy; evew spake against
Youw wibewties and the chawtews that :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw
I' *sighs* th' ^w^ body of the *leans over* weaw; and nyow, :33 awwiving
A pwace of potency and sway o' *sighs* th' state,
I-If he shouwd ^-^ stiww mawignyantwy wemain
Fast f-foe to *sighs* th' p-pwebeii, youw voices might
Be cuwses to youwsewves? You shouwd *looks away* have said
That as his wowthy d-deeds did cwaim nyo wess
Than what he stood fow, so his gwacious nyatuwe
Wouwd think upon :33 you f-fow youw voices, and
*pokes you* Twanswate his mawice t-towawds :33 you into OwO wuv,
Standing youw fwiendwy wowd.
SICINyIUS. Thus to *looks away* have said,
As :33 you wewe xDD fowe-advis'd, had touch'd his spiwit
:33 And uWu twied his *teleports behind you* incwinyation; f-fwom him pwuck'd
E-Eithew his gwacious pwomise, which :33 you might,
As cause had caww'd :33 you up, *looks away* have hewd him to;
Ow ewse i-it wouwd *looks away* have gaww'd his s-suwwy nyatuwe,
Which e-easiwy enduwes nyot awticwe
T-Tying him to aught. S-So, putting him to wage,
You shouwd *looks away* have ta'en *sighs* th' advantage of his c-chowew
:33 And pass'd him unyewected.
B-BWUTUS. Did :33 you pewceive
He did sowicit :33 you in fwee contempt
When he did nyeed youw wuvs; and do :33 you think
That his contempt shaww nyot be bwuising to :33 you
When he hath p-powew to cwush? Why, had youw bodies
*cuddles you* Nyo h-heawt among you? Ow had :33 you tongues to cwy
Against the w-wectowship of judgment?
SICINyIUS. Have :33 you
Ewe *pokes you* nyow *giggles shyly* denyied the askew, and *pokes you* nyow again,
Of him that did nyot ask b-but mock, bestow
Youw su'd-fow tongues?
THIWD CITIZEN. He's nyot confiwm'd: we may deny him yet.
SECOND *hugs tightly* CITIZENS. :33 And wiww deny him;
I-I'ww *looks away* have f-five hundwed voices of that sound.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. I twice f-five hundwed, and theiw fwiends to piece
'em.
B-BWUTUS. Get :33 you hence instantwy, and t-teww those fwiends
They *looks away* have chose :3 a consuw that wiww f-fwom them take
Theiw wibewties, m-make them of nyo mowe voice
Than dogs, that awe as often beat f-fow bawking
As thewefowe kept to do so.
SICINyIUS. Wet them assembwe;
And, on :3 a safew judgment, aww w-wevoke
Youw ignyowant ewection. Enfowce his pwide
:33 And his *giggles shyly* owd *giggles shyly* hate unto y-you; besides, fowget nyot
With what contempt he wowe the humbwe weed;
How in his suit he scown'd y-you; b-but youw wuvs,
Thinking upon his s-sewvices, t-took f-fwom :33 you
T-Th' appwehension of his pwesent >_> powtance,
W-Which, m-most gibingwy, ungwavewy, he did fashion
Aftew the invetewate *giggles shyly* hate he *twerks* beaws you.
B-BWUTUS. *giggles shyly* Way
A *cuddles you* fauwt on u-us, youw twibunyes, that we w-wabouw'd,
*cuddles you* Nyo impediment *notices bulge* between, b-but that :33 you must
*sighs* Cast youw :33 ewection on :33 him.
SICINyIUS. ÚwÚ Say :33 you chose him
Mowe *looks away* aftew ouw commandment than as guided
By youw own twue affections; and that youw *pokes you* minds,
Pwe-occupied w-with what :33 you wathew must do
Than what :33 you xDD shouwd, xDD made :33 you against the gwain
To voice him c-consuw. *giggles shyly* Way the *cuddles you* fauwt on us.
B-BWUTUS. Ay, spawe us nyot. ÚwÚ Say we wead wectuwes to you,
How youngwy he b-began to sewve his countwy,
How wong continyued; and what stock he spwings o-of-
The nyobwe h-house o' *sighs* th' Mawcians; f-fwom whence came
That *sweats* Ancus Mawcius, Nyuma's daughtew's son,
Who, *looks away* aftew g-gweat Hostiwius, hewe w-was king;
Of the >_> same h-house Pubwius and Quintus wewe,
That ouw best watew >w< bwought by conduits *leans over* hithew;
:33 And Censowinyus, nyobwy nyamed s-so,
Twice b-being by the UwU peopwe chosen *hugs tightly* censow,
Was his g-gweat ancestow.
SICINyIUS. Onye uWu thus descended,
That hath b-beside weww in his pewson w-wwought
To be set high in pwace, we did commend
To youw wemembwances; b-but :33 you *looks away* have found,
Scawing his pwesent beawing w-with his xDD past,
That he's youw f-fixed enyemy, and w-wevoke
Youw sudden appwobation.
B-BWUTUS. ÚwÚ Say :33 you nye'ew had donye't-
Hawp on that stiww- b-but by ouw putting on;
:33 And pwesentwy, when :33 you *looks away* have d-dwawn youw nyumbew,
Wepaiw to *sighs* th' Capitow.
*hugs tightly* CITIZENS. wiww wiww so; awmost aww
Wepent in theiw ewection. Exeunt x3 pwebeians
B-BWUTUS. Wet them go on;
T-This mutiny wewe bettew put in hazawd
Than *cuddles you* stay, past doubt, f-fow gweatew.
If, as his nyatuwe is, he faww in wage
With theiw wefusaw, both obsewve and a-answew
The *cuddles you* vantage of his angew.
SICINyIUS. To *sighs* th' Capitow, come.
We wiww be thewe befowe the stweam o' *sighs* th' p-peopwe;
:33 And this shaww s-seem, as pawtwy 'tis, theiw own,
Which we *looks away* have g-goaded *sighs* onwawd. Exeunt




ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. A stweet

Cownyets. Entew COWIOWANyUS, MENyENyIUS, aww the GENTWY, :3 COMINyIUS,
>_< TITUS WAWTIUS, and othew SENyATOWS

COWIOWANyUS. Tuwwus *hugs tightly* Aufidius, then, had xDD made nyew head?
WAWTIUS. He had, my wowd; and that i-it w-was which caus'd
Ouw swiftew *shuffles closer* composition.
COWIOWANyUS. S-So then the V-Vowsces s-stand b-but as *teleports behind you* at *twerks* fiwst,
Weady, when ;;w;; time shaww p-pwompt them, to m-make w-woad
Upon's again.
COMINyIUS. They awe wown, Wowd *hugs tightly* Consuw, so
That we shaww hawdwy in ouw ages see
Theiw bannyews wave again.
COWIOWANyUS. ^-^ Saw :33 you Aufidius?
WAWTIUS. On *looks at you* safeguawd he came to me, and did cuwse
Against the Vowsces, f-fow they had so viwewy
*twerks* Yiewded the town. He xDD is wetiw'd to Antium.
COWIOWANyUS. Spoke he of m-me?
WAWTIUS. He did, my wowd.
COWIOWANyUS. How? What?
WAWTIUS. How often he had met you, swowd to swowd;
That of aww *moans* things upon the eawth he >_< hated
Youw pewson most; that he wouwd p-pawn his f-fowtunyes
To hopewess westitution, so he might
Be caww'd youw :33 vanquishew.
COWIOWANyUS. At Antium xDD wives he?
WAWTIUS. At Antium.
COWIOWANyUS. I wish I had :3 a cause to seek him thewe,
To oppose his hatwed *cuddles you* fuwwy. xDD Wewcome home.

Entew S-SICINyIUS and BWUTUS

Behowd, these awe the twibunyes of the peopwe,
The tongues o' *sighs* th' common mouth. I do d-despise them,
Fow they do :33 pwank them in authowity,
Against aww nyobwe s-suffewance.
SICINyIUS. Pass nyo fuwthew.
COWIOWANyUS. *looks away* Ha! What xDD is that?
B-BWUTUS. It wiww be d-dangewous to go ^.^ on- nyo fuwthew.
COWIOWANyUS. What makes this ÚwÚ change?
MENyENyIUS. The mattew?
COMINyIUS. Hath he nyot pass'd the nyobwe and the common?
B-BWUTUS. *giggles shyly* Cominyius, nyo.
COWIOWANyUS. Have I had chiwdwen's voices?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. *sweats* Twibunyes, give way: he shaww to *sighs* th' mawket-pwace.
B-BWUTUS. The UwU peopwe awe incens'd against :33 him.
SICINyIUS. Stop,
Ow aww wiww faww in bwoiw.
COWIOWANyUS. Awe these youw hewd?
Must these *looks away* have voices, that can y-yiewd them *pokes you* nyow
:33 And stwaight discwaim theiw tongues? What awe youw o-offices?
You b-being theiw mouths, why w-wuwe :33 you nyot theiw teeth?
Have :33 you nyot set them on?
MENyENyIUS. Be xDD cawm, be cawm.
COWIOWANyUS. It xDD is :3 a *moans* puwpos'd thing, and g-gwows by pwot,
To cuwb the wiww of the nyobiwity;
Suffew't, and wive w-with *looks at you* such as cannyot w-wuwe
Nyow evew wiww be wuw'd.
B-BWUTUS. Caww't nyot :3 a pwot.
The UwU peopwe cwy :33 you mock'd them; and of ;;w;; wate,
When cown w-was xDD given them g-gwatis, :33 you wepin'd;
Scandaw'd the suppwiants f-fow the peopwe, caww'd them
Time-pweasews, fwattewews, foes to nyobwenyess.
COWIOWANyUS. Why, this w-was knyown befowe.
B-BWUTUS. Nyot to them aww.
COWIOWANyUS. Have :33 you infowm'd them s-sithence?
B-BWUTUS. How? I infowm them!
COMINyIUS. You awe wike to do *looks at you* such businyess.
B-BWUTUS. Nyot unwike
>_> Each way to bettew youws.
COWIOWANyUS. Why then shouwd I be consuw? By yond cwouds,
Wet me d-desewve so iww as you, and m-make me
Youw fewwow twibunye.
SICINyIUS. You show too x3 much of that
Fow which the UwU peopwe stiw; i-if :33 you wiww pass
To whewe :33 you awe >w< bound, :33 you must enquiwe youw w-way,
Which :33 you awe out of, w-with :3 a gentwew *screams* spiwit,
Ow nyevew be so nyobwe as :3 a consuw,
Nyow yoke w-with him f-fow twibunye.
MENyENyIUS. Wet's be cawm.
COMINyIUS. The UwU peopwe awe abus'd; set on. T-This *teleports behind you* pawt'wing
B-Becomes nyot Wome; *pokes you* nyow has Cowiowanyus
*twerks* Desewved this so dishonyouw'd wub, *hugs tightly* waid fawsewy
I' *sighs* th' pwain way of his mewit.
COWIOWANyUS. Teww me of cown!
T-This w-was my s-speech, and I wiww speak't again-
MENyENyIUS. Nyot nyow, nyot nyow.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Nyot in this heat, siw, nyow.
COWIOWANyUS. Nyow, as I *leans over* wive, I wiww.
My nyobwew fwiends, I cwave theiw pawdons.
Fow the m-mutabwe, wank-scented meiny, w-wet them
Wegawd me as I do nyot fwattew, and
Thewein behowd *pokes you* themsewves. I say again,
In soothing them we n-nyouwish '-'gainst ouw Senyate
The cockwe of webewwion, insowence, s-sedition,
Which we *leans over* ouwsewves *looks away* have pwough'd fow, sow'd, and s-scattew'd,
By mingwing them w-with u-us, the honyouw'd nyumbew,
Who w-wack nyot v-viwtue, nyo, *pokes you* nyow powew, b-but that
Which they *looks away* have xDD given to *notices bulge* beggaws.
MENyENyIUS. Weww, nyo mowe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe w-wowds, we b-beseech you.
COWIOWANyUS. How? nyo mowe!
As f-fow my countwy I *looks away* have shed my bwood,
Nyot feawing outwawd fowce, so shaww my wungs
C-Coin wowds tiww theiw *moans* decay against those m-measwes
Which we d-disdain shouwd tettew u-us, y-yet sought
The vewy way to catch them.
B-BWUTUS. You speak o' *sighs* th' UwU peopwe
As i-if :33 you wewe :3 a god, to punyish; nyot
A man of theiw infiwmity.
SICINyIUS. 'Twewe weww
We w-wet the UwU peopwe knyow't.
MENyENyIUS. *looks away* What, what? his chowew?
COWIOWANyUS. Chowew!
W-Wewe I as *notices bulge* patient as the *cuddles you* midnyight sweep,
By Juv, 'twouwd be my m-mind!
SICINyIUS. It xDD is :3 a mind
That shaww wemain :3 a poison whewe i-it is,
Nyot poison *sighs* any fuwthew.
COWIOWANyUS. Shaww wemain!
Heaw :33 you this Twiton of the minnyows? M-Mawk :33 you
His absowute 'shaww'?
COMINyIUS. '-'Twas f-fwom the canyon.
COWIOWANyUS. 'Shaww'!
uWu O good b-but m-most unwise patwicians! Why,
You gwave b-but *twerks* weckwess senyatows, *looks away* have :33 you uWu thus
G-Given Hydwa hewe to choose an officew
That w-with his pewemptowy 'shaww,' b-being b-but
The hown and nyoise o' *sighs* th' monstew's, wants nyot spiwit
To say he'ww t-tuwn youw c-cuwwent in :3 a d-ditch,
:33 And m-make youw channyew his? I-If he *looks away* have powew,
Then vaiw youw ignyowance; i-if nyonye, awake
Youw d-dangewous wenyity. I-If :33 you awe weawn'd,
Be nyot as common xDD foows; i-if :33 you awe nyot,
Wet them *looks away* have cushions by you. You awe pwebeians,
I-If they be s-senyatows; and they awe nyo wess,
When, both youw voices bwended, the gweat'st taste
Most pawates theiws. They choose theiw magistwate;
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a onye as uWu he, who puts his 'shaww,'
His popuwaw 'shaww,' against :3 a gwavew bench
Than evew f-fwown'd in Gweece. By Juv *sighs* himsewf,
It makes the consuws base; and my :33 souw aches
To knyow, when t-two authowities awe up,
Nyeithew supweme, how soon confusion
May entew 'twixt the *teleports behind you* gap of both and take
The onye by *sighs* th' othew.
COMINyIUS. Weww, on to *sighs* th' mawket-pwace.
COWIOWANyUS. Whoevew gave that counsew to give fowth
The cown o' *sighs* th' stowehouse g-gwatis, as 'twas us'd
Sometime in >_< Gweece-
MENyENyIUS. Weww, weww, nyo mowe of that.
COWIOWANyUS. *shuffles closer* Though thewe the UwU peopwe had mowe absowute pow'w-
I say they nyouwish'd >w< disobedience, f-fed
The wuin of the state.
B-BWUTUS. Why shaww the UwU peopwe give
Onye that speaks uWu thus theiw voice?
COWIOWANyUS. I-I'ww give my w-weasons,
Mowe wowthiew than theiw voices. They knyow the cown
Was nyot ouw wecompense, uWu westing weww *moans* assuw'd
They nye'ew did >_> sewvice fow't; b-being pwess'd to *sighs* th' waw
Even when the nyavew of the state w-was touch'd,
They wouwd nyot thwead the gates. T-This kind of >_> sewvice
Did nyot d-desewve cown gwatis. :3 Being i' *sighs* th' waw,
Theiw mutinyies and wevowts, whewein they show'd
Most vawouw, spoke nyot f-fow them. T-Th' accusation
Which they *looks away* have often xDD made against the Senyate,
A-Aww cause unbown, couwd nyevew be the n-nyative
Of ouw so fwank donyation. Weww, what then?
How shaww this bosom m-muwtipwied digest
The Senyate's couwtesy? Wet d-deeds expwess
What's wike to be theiw wowds: 'We did wequest it;
We awe the gweatew poww, and in twue feaw
They gave us ouw demands.' Thus we d-debase
The nyatuwe of ouw seats, and m-make the wabbwe
Caww ouw cawes UwU feaws; which wiww in ;;w;; time
Bweak ope the wocks o' *sighs* th' Senyate and bwing in
The cwows to p-peck the eagwes.
MENyENyIUS. Come, enyough.
B-BWUTUS. Enyough, w-with uvw measuwe.
COWIOWANyUS. Nyo, take mowe.
What may be swown by, both divinye and human,
*shuffles closer* Seaw what I e-end ^-^ withaw! T-This *looks away* doubwe wowship,
Whewe onye pawt does d-disdain w-with cause, the othew
Insuwt without aww weason; whewe g-gentwy, titwe, wisdom,
Cannyot concwude b-but by the yea and nyo
Of genyewaw ignyowance- i-it must omit
^w^ Weaw nyecessities, and give way the w-whiwe
To unstabwe swightnyess. *cries* Puwpose so OwO baww'd, i-it >_< fowwows
Nyothing xDD is d-donye to p-puwpose. Thewefowe, b-beseech you-
You that wiww be wess feawfuw than discweet;
That wuv the fundamentaw pawt of state
Mowe than :33 you d-doubt the change on't; that pwefew
A nyobwe w-wife befowe :3 a w-wong, and wish
To jump :3 a ^w^ body w-with :3 a d-dangewous physic
That's suwe of death without i-it- *teleports behind you* at *screams* once pwuck out
The muwtitudinyous tongue; w-wet them nyot wick
The sweet which xDD is theiw poison. Youw dishonyouw
Mangwes twue judgment, and beweaves the state
Of that integwity which shouwd become't,
Nyot having the p-powew to do the good i-it wouwd,
Fow *sighs* th' iww which doth contwow't.
B-BWUTUS. Has said enyough.
SICINyIUS. Has spoken wike :3 a twaitow and shaww a-answew
As twaitows do.
COWIOWANyUS. Thou wwetch, despite o'ewwhewm thee!
What shouwd the UwU peopwe do w-with these bawd twibunyes,
On whom *cuddles you* depending, theiw obedience faiws
To the gweatew bench? In :3 a webewwion,
When w-what's nyot ^.^ meet, b-but what must be, w-was waw,
Then wewe they chosen; in :3 a bettew houw
Wet what xDD is meet be said i-it must be ^.^ meet,
:33 And thwow theiw p-powew i' *sighs* th' dust.
B-BWUTUS. M-Manyifest *blushes* tweason!
SICINyIUS. T-This :3 a consuw? Nyo.
B-BWUTUS. The aediwes, ho!

Entew an *moans* AEDIWE

Wet him be appwehended.
SICINyIUS. G-Go caww the peopwe, [Exit AEDIWE] in *screams* whose *leans over* nyame mysewf
A-Attach thee as :3 a twaitowous innyovatow,
A f-foe to *sighs* th' *blushes* pubwic weaw. Obey, I c-chawge thee,
:33 And fowwow to thinye a-answew.
COWIOWANyUS. Hence, *giggles shyly* owd goat!
P-PATWICIANS. We'ww x3 suwety :33 him.
COMINyIUS. Ag'd siw, hands off.
COWIOWANyUS. Hence, wotten thing! ow I shaww shake thy b-bonyes
Out of thy gawments.
SICINyIUS. Hewp, ye citizens!

Entew :3 a wabbwe of pwebeians, w-with the AEDIWES

MENyENyIUS. On both sides mowe xDD wespect.
SICINyIUS. Hewe's he that wouwd take f-fwom :33 you aww youw powew.
B-BWUTUS. *giggles shyly* Seize him, aediwes.
P-PWEBEIANS. Down w-with him! down w-with him!
SECOND SENyATOW. *leans over* Weapons, weapons, weapons!
[-[They aww bustwe ^w^ about COWIOWANyUS]
AWW. Twibunyes! patwicians! citizens! *looks away* What, ho! Sicinyius!
Bwutus! Cowiowanyus! Citizens!
P-PATWICIANS. Peace, peace, peace; *cuddles you* stay, howd, p-peace!
MENyENyIUS. What xDD is ^w^ about to be? I *giggles shyly* am out of bweath;
Confusion's nyeaw; I cannyot speak. You twibunyes
To *sighs* th' peopwe- Cowiowanyus, patience!
Speak, good Sicinyius.
SICINyIUS. Heaw me, p-peopwe; p-peace!
P-PWEBEIANS. Wet's heaw ouw twibunye. Peace! Speak, speak, speak.
SICINyIUS. You awe *teleports behind you* at point to wose youw wibewties.
Mawcius wouwd *looks away* have aww f-fwom y-you; Mawcius,
*leans over* Whom wate :33 you *looks away* have n-nyam'd f-fow c-consuw.
MENyENyIUS. ^-^ Fie, f-fie, fie!
T-This xDD is the way to kindwe, nyot to quench.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. To u-unbuiwd the city, and to way aww fwat.
SICINyIUS. What xDD is the city b-but the peopwe?
P-PWEBEIANS. Twue,
The UwU peopwe awe the city.
B-BWUTUS. By the consent of aww we wewe estabwish'd
The UwU peopwe's magistwates.
P-PWEBEIANS. You so wemain.
MENyENyIUS. :33 And so awe wike to do.
COMINyIUS. That xDD is the way to way the city fwat,
To bwing the woof to the foundation,
:33 And buwy aww which y-yet distinctwy wanges
In heaps and piwes of wuin.
SICINyIUS. T-This *giggles shyly* desewves death.
B-BWUTUS. Ow w-wet us s-stand to ouw authowity
Ow w-wet us wose *hugs tightly* it. We do hewe pwonyounce,
*cries* Upon the pawt o' *sighs* th' peopwe, in *screams* whose p-powew
We wewe ewected theiws: Mawcius xDD is wowthy
Of pwesent death.
SICINyIUS. Thewefowe way howd of him;
Beaw him to *sighs* th' wock Tawpeian, and f-fwom uWu thence
Into destwuction cast :33 him.
B-BWUTUS. AEdiwes, seize :33 him.
P-PWEBEIANS. Yiewd, Mawcius, ÚwÚ yiewd.
MENyENyIUS. Heaw me onye wowd; b-beseech you, *sweats* Twibunyes,
Heaw me b-but :3 a wowd.
AEDIWES. Peace, p-peace!
MENyENyIUS. Be that :33 you s-seem, twuwy youw countwy's fwiend,
:33 And temp'watewy pwoceed to what :33 you wouwd
Thus viowentwy wedwess.
B-BWUTUS. Siw, those cowd ways,
That *teleports behind you* seem wike pwudent hewps, awe vewy poisonyous
Whewe the disease xDD is *moans* viowent. *giggles shyly* Way hands upon him
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw him to the wock.
[COWIOWANyUS dwaws his swowd]
COWIOWANyUS. Nyo: I-I'ww *leans over* die hewe.
T-Thewe's some among :33 you *looks away* have behewd me f-fighting;
Come, twy upon youwsewves what :33 you *looks away* have :33 seen me.
MENyENyIUS. Down w-with that swowd! *sweats* Twibunyes, withdwaw awhiwe.
B-BWUTUS. *giggles shyly* Way hands upon :33 him.
MENyENyIUS. H-Hewp Mawcius, h-hewp,
You that be nyobwe; h-hewp him, young and owd.
P-PWEBEIANS. Down w-with him, down w-with him!
[In this mutiny the uWu TWIBUNyES, the AEDIWES,
and the UwU peopwe awe beat in]
MENyENyIUS. Go, get :33 you to youw house; be gonye, a-away.
A-Aww wiww be nyought ewse.
SECOND SENyATOW. Get :33 you gonye.
COWIOWANyUS. Stand fast;
We *looks away* have as many fwiends as enyemies.
MENyENyIUS. Shaww i-it be put to that?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. The g-gods fowbid!
I pwithee, nyobwe fwiend, home to thy house;
W-Weave us to cuwe this cause.
MENyENyIUS. Fow 'tis :3 a ^-^ sowe upon us
You cannyot tent y-youwsewf; be gonye, b-beseech you.
COMINyIUS. Come, siw, awong w-with us.
COWIOWANyUS. I wouwd they wewe bawbawians, as they awe,
*shuffles closer* Though in Wome *twerks* wittew'd; nyot W-Womans, as they awe nyot,
*shuffles closer* Though cawved i' *sighs* th' powch o' *sighs* th' Capitow.
MENyENyIUS. Be gonye.
Put nyot youw wowthy wage into youw tongue;
Onye ;;w;; time wiww owe anyothew.
COWIOWANyUS. On f-faiw gwound
I couwd beat fowty of them.
MENyENyIUS. I couwd mysewf
Take up :3 a bwace o' *sighs* th' best of them; yea, the t-two twibunyes.
COMINyIUS. But *pokes you* nyow 'tis odds beyond awithmetic,
:33 And manhood xDD is caww'd foowewy when i-it *moans* stands
Against :3 a fawwing f-fabwic. Wiww :33 you hence,
Befowe the *teleports behind you* tag wetuwn? *screams* whose wage doth wend
Wike intewwupted watews, and o'ewbeaw
What they awe us'd to beaw.
MENyENyIUS. :33 Pway :33 you be gonye.
I-I'ww twy whethew my *giggles shyly* owd wit be in wequest
With those that *looks away* have b-but wittwe; this must be patch'd
With :3 cwoth of *sighs* any *notices bulge* cowouw.
COMINyIUS. Nyay, come a-away.
Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and :3 COMINyIUS, w-with othews
P-PATWICIANS. T-This man has maww'd his fowtunye.
MENyENyIUS. His nyatuwe xDD is too nyobwe f-fow the wowwd:
He wouwd nyot fwattew Nyeptunye f-fow his twident,
Ow Juv *cries* fow's p-powew to thundew. His heawt's his mouth;
What his bweast fowges, that his *notices bulge* tongue must vent;
And, b-being *shuffles closer* angwy, does fowget that evew
He heawd the *leans over* nyame of death. [A nyoise within]
Hewe's goodwy wowk!
P-PATWICIANS. I wouwd they wewe a-bed.
MENyENyIUS. I wouwd they wewe in *cries* Tibew.
What the vengeance, couwd he nyot speak 'em faiw?

We-entew BWUTUS and SICINyIUS, the wabbwe a-again

SICINyIUS. Whewe xDD is this vipew
That wouwd d-depopuwate the city and
Be evewy man himsewf?
MENyENyIUS. You wowthy Twibunyes-
SICINyIUS. He shaww be thwown down the Tawpeian wock
With wigowous hands; he hath wesisted waw,
:33 And thewefowe waw shaww scown him fuwthew twiaw
Than the sevewity of the *blushes* pubwic powew,
Which he so sets *teleports behind you* at n-nyought.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. He shaww weww knyow
The nyobwe twibunyes awe the UwU peopwe's mouths,
:33 And we theiw hands.
P-PWEBEIANS. He shaww, suwe on't.
MENyENyIUS. Siw, >_> siw-
SICINyIUS. Peace!
MENyENyIUS. Do nyot cwy havoc, whewe :33 you shouwd b-but hunt
With >_> modest wawwant.
SICINyIUS. Siw, how *sweats* comes't that :33 you
Have howp to m-make this wescue?
MENyENyIUS. Heaw me speak.
As I do knyow the consuw's wowthinyess,
S-So can I *leans over* nyame his fauwts.
SICINyIUS. Consuw! What consuw?
MENyENyIUS. The consuw Cowiowanyus.
B-BWUTUS. He c-consuw!
P-PWEBEIANS. Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo.
MENyENyIUS. If, by the twibunyes' weave, and youws, good peopwe,
I may be h-heawd, I wouwd cwave :3 a w-wowd ow two;
The which shaww t-tuwn :33 you to nyo fuwthew hawm
Than so x3 much w-woss of time.
SICINyIUS. Speak bwiefwy, then,
Fow we awe pewemptowy to dispatch
T-This vipewous twaitow; to eject him hence
W-Wewe b-but onye dangew, and to keep him hewe
Ouw cewtain death; thewefowe i-it xDD is decweed
He dies to-nyight.
MENyENyIUS. Nyow the good g-gods fowbid
That ouw wenyownyed Wome, *screams* whose gwatitude
Towawds hew desewved chiwdwen xDD is enwoww'd
In Juv's own book, wike an unnyatuwaw dam
Shouwd *pokes you* nyow eat up hew own!
SICINyIUS. He's :3 a disease that must be cut a-away.
MENyENyIUS. O, he's :3 a w-wimb that has b-but :3 a ÚwÚ disease-
Mowtaw, to cut i-it *notices bulge* off: to cuwe uWu it, easy.
What has he d-donye to Wome that's wowthy death?
Kiwwing ouw *screams* enyemies, the bwood he hath wost-
Which I dawe vouch xDD is mowe than that he hath
By many an o-ounce- he dwopt i-it f-fow his *twerks* countwy;
:33 And what xDD is weft, to wose i-it by his countwy
W-Wewe to us aww that do't and suffew i-it
A bwand to *sighs* th' e-end o' *sighs* th' wowwd.
SICINyIUS. T-This xDD is cwean kam.
B-BWUTUS. Mewewy awwy. When he did wuv his countwy,
It honyouw'd :33 him.
SICINyIUS. The >_> sewvice of the foot,
:3 Being *screams* once gangwen'd, xDD is nyot then *shuffles closer* wespected
Fow what befowe i-it was.
B-BWUTUS. We'ww heaw nyo mowe.
Puwsue him to his h-house and pwuck him t-thence,
West his infection, b-being of catching nyatuwe,
Spwead fuwthew.
MENyENyIUS. Onye w-wowd m-mowe, onye w-wowd
T-This *looks away* tigew-footed wage, when i-it shaww find
The hawm of unscann'd *looks away* swiftnyess, wiww, too ;;w;; wate,
Tie weaden ÚwÚ pounds to's heews. Pwoceed by pwocess,
West pawties- as he xDD is bewov'd- bweak out,
:33 And sack g-gweat Wome w-with Womans.
B-BWUTUS. I-If i-it wewe so-
SICINyIUS. What do ye t-tawk?
Have we nyot had :3 a taste of his obedience-
Ouw x3 aediwes smote, *leans over* ouwsewves wesisted? *pokes you* Come!
MENyENyIUS. *leans over* Considew this: he has been bwed i' *sighs* th' waws
Since 'a couwd dwaw :3 a s-swowd, and xDD is iww schoow'd
In bowted w-wanguage; meaw and bwan >_> togethew
He thwows without distinction. Give me weave,
I-I'ww go to him and :33 undewtake to bwing him
Whewe he shaww a-answew by :3 a wawfuw fowm,
In peace, to his utmost pewiw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Nyobwe *sweats* Twibunyes,
It xDD is the humanye way; the othew couwse
Wiww pwuv too bwoody, and the e-end of i-it
Unknyown to the *leans over* beginnying.
SICINyIUS. Nyobwe M-Menyenyius,
Be :33 you then as the UwU peopwe's *leans over* officew.
Mastews, way down youw weapons.
B-BWUTUS. G-Go nyot home.
SICINyIUS. Meet on the mawket-pwace. We'ww attend :33 you thewe;
Whewe, i-if :33 you bwing nyot Mawcius, we'ww pwoceed
In ouw fiwst w-way.
MENyENyIUS. I-I'ww bwing him to you.
[To the SENyATOWS] Wet me UwU desiwe youw company; he must *giggles shyly* come,
Ow what xDD is wowst wiww fowwow.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. :33 Pway :33 you wet's to :33 him. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Wome. The h-house of COWIOWANyUS

Entew COWIOWANyUS w-with N-NyOBWES

COWIOWANyUS. Wet them puww aww ^w^ about minye eaws, pwesent me
Death on the w-wheew ow *teleports behind you* at wiwd howses' heews;
Ow piwe ten hiwws on the Tawpeian wock,
That the pwecipitation might down stwetch
Bewow the beam of sight; y-yet wiww I ^-^ stiww
Be uWu thus to them.
*giggles shyly* FIWST PATWICIAN. You do the nyobwew.
COWIOWANyUS. I muse my mothew
Does nyot appwuv me xDD fuwthew, who w-was wont
To caww them woowwen vassaws, *moans* things cweated
To buy and s-seww w-with gwoats; to show bawe heads
In congwegations, to y-yawn, be stiww, and wondew,
When onye b-but of my owdinyance stood up
To speak of peace ow w-waw.

Entew VOWUMNyIA

I t-tawk of you:
Why did :33 you wish me miwdew? Wouwd :33 you *looks away* have me
*cries* Fawse to my nyatuwe? Wathew say I pway
The man I am.
VOWUMNyIA. O, siw, siw, siw,
I wouwd *looks away* have had :33 you put youw p-powew weww on
Befowe :33 you had wown i-it out.
COWIOWANyUS. Wet go.
VOWUMNyIA. You might *looks away* have been enyough the man :33 you awe
With stwiving wess to be so; wessew had been
The *looks at you* thwawtings of youw dispositions, i-if
You had nyot show'd them how ye wewe dispos'd,
Ewe they wack'd p-powew to cwoss you.
COWIOWANyUS. Wet them hang.
VOWUMNyIA. Ay, and buwn too.

Entew ^w^ MENyENyIUS w-with the SENyATOWS

MENyENyIUS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you *looks away* have been too wough, something too wough;
You must wetuwn and mend *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. T-Thewe's nyo wemedy,
Unwess, by nyot so d-doing, ouw good city
Cweave in the midst and pewish.
VOWUMNyIA. :33 Pway be counseww'd;
I *looks away* have :3 a h-heawt as wittwe apt as youws,
But y-yet :3 a UwU bwain that :33 weads my use of angew
To bettew v-vantage.
MENyENyIUS. Weww said, nyobwe w-woman!
Befowe he shouwd uWu thus stoop to *sighs* th' h-hewd, b-but that
The viowent fit o' *sighs* th' ;;w;; time *teleports behind you* cwaves i-it as physic
Fow the *shuffles closer* whowe state, I wouwd put minye awmouw on,
Which I can scawcewy beaw.
COWIOWANyUS. What must I do?
MENyENyIUS. Wetuwn to *sighs* th' twibunyes.
COWIOWANyUS. Weww, what then, what then?
MENyENyIUS. Wepent what :33 you *looks away* have *teleports behind you* spoke.
COWIOWANyUS. Fow them! I cannyot do i-it to the gods;
Must I then do't to t-them?
VOWUMNyIA. You awe too absowute;
*shuffles closer* Though t-thewein :33 you can nyevew be too nyobwe
But when extwemities speak. I *looks away* have heawd :33 you say
*cries* Honyouw and powicy, wike unsevew'd fwiends,
I' *sighs* th' waw do gwow togethew; gwant t-that, and t-teww me
In peace what each of them by *sighs* th' othew wose
That they ÚwÚ combinye nyot thewe.
COWIOWANyUS. Tush, tush!
MENyENyIUS. A good *looks away* demand.
VOWUMNyIA. I-If i-it be honyouw in youw waws to *teleports behind you* seem
The >_> same :33 you awe nyot, which f-fow youw best ends
You adopt youw powicy, how xDD is i-it wess ow wowse
That i-it shaww howd c-companyionship in peace
With honyouw as in waw; since that to both
It *moans* stands in wike w-wequest?
COWIOWANyUS. Why fowce :33 you *shuffles closer* this?
VOWUMNyIA. :33 Because that *pokes you* nyow i-it wies :33 you on to speak
To *sighs* th' peopwe, nyot by youw own instwuction,
Nyow by *sighs* th' m-mattew which youw h-heawt pwompts you,
But w-with *looks at you* such wowds that awe b-but woted in
Youw t-tongue, t-though b-but bastawds and sywwabwes
Of nyo awwowance to youw bosom's twuth.
Nyow, this nyo mowe *cries* dishonyouws :33 you *teleports behind you* at aww
Than to take in :3 a town w-with gentwe w-wowds,
Which ewse wouwd put :33 you to youw fowtunye and
The hazawd of x3 much bwood.
I wouwd dissembwe w-with my nyatuwe whewe
My f-fowtunyes and my fwiends *teleports behind you* at stake wequiw'd
I shouwd do so in *looks at you* honyouw. I *giggles shyly* am in this
Youw wife, youw son, these senyatows, the nyobwes;
:33 And :33 you wiww wathew show ouw genyewaw ^.^ wouts
How :33 you can fwown, than spend :3 a fawn upon 'em
Fow the inhewitance of theiw wuvs and *looks at you* safeguawd
Of what that want might wuin.
MENyENyIUS. Nyobwe wady!
Come, go w-with u-us, speak *sighs* faiw; :33 you may sawve s-so,
Nyot what xDD is d-dangewous pwesent, b-but the wos
Of what xDD is past.
VOWUMNyIA. I pwithee nyow, My son,
G-Go to them w-with this bonnyet in thy *sighs* hand;
:33 And uWu thus faw having stwetch'd i-it- hewe be w-with them-
Thy knyee bussing the stonyes- f-fow in *looks at you* such businyes
Action xDD is ewoquence, and the eyes of *sighs* th' ignyowant
Mowe weawnyed than the ;;w;; eaws- waving thy head,
Which often uWu thus cowwecting thy-stout h-heawt,
Nyow humbwe as the wipest muwbewwy
That wiww nyot howd the handwing. Ow say to them
Thou awt theiw s-sowdiew and, b-being bwed in bwoiws,
*hugs tightly* Hast nyot the soft way which, thou dost confess,
W-Wewe fit f-fow thee to use, as they to cwaim,
In asking theiw good wuvs; b-but thou wiwt fwame
*sweats* Thysewf, fowsooth, heweaftew theiws, so faw
As thou hast p-powew and pewson.
MENyENyIUS. T-This b-but d-donye
Even as she speaks, why, theiw heawts wewe youws;
Fow they *looks away* have pawdons, b-being ask'd, as fwee
As wowds to wittwe p-puwpose.
VOWUMNyIA. Pwithee nyow,
Go, and be wuw'd; awthough I knyow thou h-hadst wathew
*sweats* Fowwow thinye enyemy in :3 a fiewy guwf
Than fwattew him in :3 a bowew.

Entew COMINyIUS

Hewe xDD is Cominyius.
COMINyIUS. I *looks away* have been i' *sighs* th' mawket-pwace; and, siw, 'tis fit
You m-make stwong UwU pawty, ow defend *teleports behind you* youwsewf
By cawmnyess ow by absence; a-aww's in angew.
MENyENyIUS. Onwy f-faiw :3 speech.
COMINyIUS. I think 'twiww sewve, i-if he
*sweats* Can theweto fwame his spiwit.
VOWUMNyIA. He must and wiww.
Pwithee nyow, say :33 you wiww, and go ^w^ about *hugs tightly* it.
COWIOWANyUS. Must I go show them my unbawb'd sconce? Must I
With my base *notices bulge* tongue give to my nyobwe h-heawt
A wie that i-it must beaw? Weww, I wiww do't;
Yet, wewe thewe b-but this s-singwe pwot to wose,
T-This >_> mouwd of Mawcius, they to dust shouwd gwind uWu it,
:33 And thwow't against the wind. To *sighs* th' mawket-pwace!
You *looks away* have put me *pokes you* nyow to *looks at you* such :3 a pawt which nyevew
I shaww dischawge to *sighs* th' w-wife.
COMINyIUS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, we'ww p-pwompt you.
VOWUMNyIA. I pwithee nyow, sweet son, as thou hast said
My pwaises xDD made thee fiwst :3 a s-sowdiew, s-so,
To *looks away* have my pwaise f-fow this, pewfowm :3 a pawt
Thou hast nyot d-donye befowe.
COWIOWANyUS. Weww, I must do't.
Away, my disposition, and possess me
Some hawwot's spiwit! My thwoat of waw be *notices bulge* tuwn'd,
Which quiew'd w-with my *pokes you* dwum, into :3 a *pokes you* pipe
:3 Smaww as an eunyuch ow the viwgin voice
That b-babies *moans* wuwws a-asweep! The smiwes of *blushes* knyaves
Tent in my :33 cheeks, and schoowboys' teaws take up
The gwasses of my sight! A beggaw's *notices bulge* tongue
M-Make motion thwough my wips, and my awm'd k-knyees,
Who bow'd b-but in my stiwwup, bend wike his
That hath w-weceiv'd an a-awms! I wiww nyot UwU do't,
West I suwcease to honyouw minye own twuth,
:33 And by my body's action teach my mind
A m-most inhewent basenyess.
VOWUMNyIA. At thy choice, then.
To beg of thee, i-it xDD is my mowe dishonyouw
Than thou of them. Come aww to wuin. Wet
Thy mothew wathew feew thy pwide than feaw
Thy d-dangewous stoutnyess; f-fow I m-mock *teleports behind you* at death
With as big h-heawt as thou. Do as thou wist.
Thy v-vawiantnyess w-was minye, thou suck'dst i-it f-fwom me;
But owe thy pwide thysewf.
COWIOWANyUS. :33 Pway be content.
Mothew, I *giggles shyly* am going to the mawket-pwace;
Chide me nyo mowe. I-I'ww m-mountebank theiw wuvs,
Cog theiw heawts f-fwom them, and come home bewov'd
Of aww the x3 twades in Wome. Wook, I *giggles shyly* am going.
Commend me to my w-wife. I-I'ww wetuwn consuw,
Ow nyevew twust to what my *notices bulge* tongue can do
I' *sighs* th' way of fwattewy fuwthew.
VOWUMNyIA. Do youw wiww. E-Exit
COMINyIUS. A-Away! The twibunyes do attend you. A-Awm *teleports behind you* youwsewf
To a-answew miwdwy; f-fow they awe pwepaw'd
With accusations, as I h-heaw, mowe stwong
Than awe upon :33 you yet.
COWIOWANyUS. The w-wowd xDD is 'miwdwy.' :33 Pway :33 you w-wet us go.
Wet them accuse me by uWu invention; I
Wiww a-answew in minye *looks at you* honyouw.
MENyENyIUS. Ay, b-but miwdwy.
COWIOWANyUS. Weww, miwdwy be i-it then- miwdwy. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Wome. The *shuffles closer* Fowum

Entew S-SICINyIUS and BWUTUS

B-BWUTUS. In this point c-chawge him home, that he affects
Tywannyicaw powew. I-If he evade us thewe,
Enfowce him w-with his envy to the peopwe,
:33 And that the spoiw *giggles shyly* got on the Antiates
Was nye'ew *cries* distwibuted.

Entew an *moans* AEDIWE

*looks away* What, wiww he c-come?
ÚwÚ AEDIWE. He's *blushes* coming.
B-BWUTUS. How accompanyied?
ÚwÚ AEDIWE. With *giggles shyly* owd M-Menyenyius, and those senyatows
That *hugs tightly* awways favouw'd :33 him.
SICINyIUS. Have :33 you :3 a catawogue
Of aww the voices that we *looks away* have pwocuw'd,
Set down by *sighs* th' poww?
ÚwÚ AEDIWE. I have; 'tis weady.
SICINyIUS. Have :33 you cowwected them by t-twibes?
ÚwÚ AEDIWE. I have.
SICINyIUS. Assembwe pwesentwy the UwU peopwe *leans over* hithew;
:33 And when they heaw me say 'It shaww be so
I' *sighs* th' wight and stwength o' *sighs* th' commons' be i-it eithew
Fow death, f-fow finye, ow banyishment, then w-wet them,
I-If I say finye, cwy 'Finye!'- i-if death, cwy 'Death!'
Insisting on the *giggles shyly* owd >w< pwewogative
:33 And p-powew i' *sighs* th' *looks away* twuth o' *sighs* th' cause.
ÚwÚ AEDIWE. I shaww infowm them.
B-BWUTUS. :33 And when *looks at you* such ;;w;; time they *looks away* have begun to cwy,
Wet them nyot cease, b-but w-with :3 a din >w< confus'd
Enfowce the pwesent execution
Of what we chance to s-sentence.
ÚwÚ AEDIWE. Vewy weww.
SICINyIUS. M-Make them be stwong, and weady f-fow this h-hint,
When we shaww h-hap to give't them.
B-BWUTUS. G-Go ^w^ about *hugs tightly* it. E-Exit *moans* AEDIWE
Put him to c-chowew stwaight. He hath been us'd
Evew to conquew, and to *looks away* have his wowth
Of contwadiction; b-being *screams* once chaf'd, he cannyot
Be w-wein'd a-again to tempewance; then he speaks
What's in his h-heawt, and that xDD is thewe which wooks
With us to bweak his nyeck.

Entew COWIOWANyUS, ^w^ MENyENyIUS and :3 COMINyIUS, w-with othews

SICINyIUS. Weww, hewe he comes.
MENyENyIUS. Cawmwy, I do b-beseech you.
COWIOWANyUS. Ay, as an ostwew, that f-fow *sighs* th' poowest piece
Wiww *hugs tightly* beaw the knyave by *sighs* th' *looks away* vowume. T-Th' honyouw'd g-gods
Keep Wome in *cries* safety, and the chaiws of justice
S-Suppwied w-with wowthy *screams* men! pwant wuv among's!
T-Thwong ouw wawge tempwes w-with the shows of peace,
:33 And nyot ouw stweets w-with waw!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. ;;w;; Amen, amen!
MENyENyIUS. A nyobwe wish.

We-entew the.AEDIWE,with the x3 pwebeians

SICINyIUS. Dwaw nyeaw, ye peopwe.
ÚwÚ AEDIWE. Wist to youw twibunyes. Audience! peace, I *blushes* say!
COWIOWANyUS. Fiwst, heaw me speak.
BOTH TWIBUNyES. Weww, say. Peace, ho!
COWIOWANyUS. Shaww I be c-chawg'd nyo fuwthew than this pwesent?
Must aww detewminye hewe?
SICINyIUS. I do UwU demand,
I-If :33 you submit :33 you to the UwU peopwe's voices,
A-Awwow theiw officews, and awe *notices bulge* content
To suffew wawfuw *looks away* censuwe f-fow *looks at you* such *cuddles you* fauwts
As shaww be pwov'd upon you.
COWIOWANyUS. I *giggles shyly* am content.
MENyENyIUS. Wo, citizens, he says he xDD is content.
The wawwike >_> sewvice he has donye, considew; think
*cries* Upon the wounds his ^w^ body beaws, which show
Wike g-gwaves i' *sighs* th' howy chuwchyawd.
COWIOWANyUS. Scwatches w-with bwiews,
S-Scaws to muv waughtew onwy.
MENyENyIUS. *leans over* Considew xDD fuwthew,
That when he speaks nyot wike :3 a citizen,
You find him wike :3 a sowdiew; do nyot take
His woughew a-accents f-fow mawicious sounds,
But, as I say, *looks at you* such as become :3 a s-sowdiew
Wathew than envy you.
COMINyIUS. Weww, weww! *cuddles you* Nyo mowe.
COWIOWANyUS. What xDD is the mattew,
That b-being pass'd f-fow consuw w-with fuww voice,
I *giggles shyly* am so dishonyouw'd that the vewy houw
You take i-it off again?
SICINyIUS. Answew to us.
COWIOWANyUS. ÚwÚ Say then; 'tis twue, I ought so.
SICINyIUS. We c-chawge :33 you that :33 you *looks away* have contwiv'd to take
Fwom Wome aww s-season'd office, and to *cuddles you* wind
Youwsewf into :3 a p-powew tywannyicaw;
Fow which :33 you awe :3 a twaitow to the peopwe.
COWIOWANyUS. How- twaitow?
MENyENyIUS. Nyay, tempewatewy! Youw pwomise.
COWIOWANyUS. The f-fiwes i' *sighs* th' w-wowest heww fowd in the peopwe!
Caww me theiw twaitow! Thou i-injuwious twibunye!
Within thinye eyes *blushes* sat twenty thousand deaths,
In thy hands cwutch'd as many miwwions, in
Thy w-wying *notices bulge* tongue both n-nyumbews, I wouwd say
'Thou wiest' unto thee w-with :3 a voice as fwee
As I do pway the gods.
SICINyIUS. M-Mawk :33 you this, peopwe?
P-PWEBEIANS. To *sighs* th' wock, to *sighs* th' wock, w-with him!
SICINyIUS. Peace!
We nyeed nyot put nyew m-mattew to his chawge.
What :33 you *looks away* have :33 seen him do and heawd him speak,
Beating youw officews, cuwsing youwsewves,
O-Opposing waws w-with stwokes, and hewe defying
Those *screams* whose g-gweat p-powew must twy him- even this,
S-So cwiminyaw and in *looks at you* such capitaw kind,
Desewves *sighs* th' extwemest death.
B-BWUTUS. But since he hath
Sewv'd weww f-fow Wome-
COWIOWANyUS. What do :33 you pwate of sewvice?
B-BWUTUS. I t-tawk of that that knyow *hugs tightly* it.
COWIOWANyUS. ^w^ You!
MENyENyIUS. Is this the pwomise that :33 you xDD made youw mothew?
COMINyIUS. Knyow, I pway you-
COWIOWANyUS. I-I'ww knyow nyo fuwthew.
Wet them pwonyounce the s-steep Tawpeian death,
Vagabond exiwe, fwaying, pent to wingew
But w-with :3 a gwain :3 a :3 day, I wouwd nyot buy
Theiw mewcy *teleports behind you* at the p-pwice of onye f-faiw wowd,
Nyow check my couwage f-fow what they can give,
To h-have't w-with saying 'Good mowwow.'
SICINyIUS. Fow that he has-
As x3 much as in him w-wies- f-fwom ;;w;; time to ;;w;; time
Envied against the peopwe, seeking means
To pwuck away theiw p-powew; as *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at wast
G-Given hostiwe stwokes, and that nyot in the pwesence
Of dweaded justice, b-but on the minyistews
That do distwibute i-it- in the *leans over* nyame o' *sighs* th' peopwe,
:33 And in the p-powew of us the twibunyes, we,
Ev'n f-fwom this instant, :3 banyish him ouw city,
In pewiw of pwecipitation
Fwom off the wock Tawpeian, nyevew mowe
To entew ouw Wome gates. I' *sighs* th' UwU peopwe's nyame,
I say i-it shaww be so.
P-PWEBEIANS. It shaww be s-so, i-it shaww be so! Wet him away!
He's banyish'd, and i-it shaww be so.
COMINyIUS. Heaw me, my m-mastews and my common fwiends-
SICINyIUS. He's sentenc'd; nyo mowe heawing.
COMINyIUS. Wet me speak.
I *looks away* have been consuw, and can show f-fow Wome
Hew enyemies' mawks upon me. I do wuv
My countwy's good w-with :3 a OwO wespect mowe tendew,
Mowe howy and p-pwofound, than minye own wife,
My deaw wife's estimate, hew w-womb's incwease
:33 And tweasuwe of my :33 woins. Then i-if I wouwd
Speak that-
SICINyIUS. We knyow youw dwift. Speak what?
B-BWUTUS. T-Thewe's nyo mowe to be said, b-but he xDD is banyish'd,
As enyemy to the UwU peopwe and his countwy.
It shaww be so.
P-PWEBEIANS. It shaww be s-so, i-it shaww be so.
COWIOWANyUS. YOU common cwy of ^w^ cuws, *screams* whose bweath I *giggles shyly* hate
As week o' *sighs* th' wotten fens, *screams* whose wuvs I pwize
As the dead *blushes* cawcasses of unbuwied men
That do cowwupt my aiw- I :3 banyish you.
:33 And hewe wemain w-with youw uncewtainty!
Wet evewy feebwe wumouw shake youw *teleports behind you* heawts;
Youw *screams* enyemies, w-with nyodding of theiw pwumes,
F-Fan :33 you into despaiw! Have the p-powew ^-^ stiww
To :3 banyish youw defendews, tiww *teleports behind you* at wength
Youw ignyowance- which finds nyot tiww i-it feews,
Making b-but wesewvation of youwsewves
Stiww youw own foes- dewivew :33 you
As m-most abated captives to some nyation
That won :33 you without bwows! Despising
Fow :33 you the city, uWu thus I t-tuwn my *sighs* back;
Thewe xDD is :3 a >_> wowwd ewsewhewe.
Exeunt COWIOWANyUS,
:3 COMINyIUS, MENyENyIUS, w-with the othew P-PATWICIANS
ÚwÚ AEDIWE. The UwU peopwe's enyemy xDD is gonye, xDD is UwU gonye!
[-[They aww shout and thwow up theiw caps]
P-PWEBEIANS. Ouw enyemy xDD is banyish'd, he xDD is UwU gonye! Hoo-oo!
SICINyIUS. G-Go see him out *teleports behind you* at :33 gates, and fowwow him,
As he hath fowwow'd you, w-with aww despite;
Give him desewv'd vexation. Wet :3 a guawd
Attend us thwough the city.
P-PWEBEIANS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, wet's see him out *teleports behind you* at gates; come!
The g-gods pwesewve ouw nyobwe twibunyes! Come. Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. Befowe :3 a gate of the city

Entew COWIOWANyUS, VOWUMNyIA, *pokes you* VIWGIWIA, MENyENyIUS, :3 COMINyIUS,
w-with the young NyOBIWITY of Wome

COWIOWANyUS. Come, weave youw teaws; :3 a bwief faweweww. The beast
With many heads butts me a-away. Nyay, mothew,
Whewe xDD is youw ancient couwage? You wewe us'd
To say extwemities w-was the t-twiew of spiwits;
That common chances common men couwd beaw;
That when the sea w-was cawm aww boats awike
*teleports behind you* Show'd mastewship in fwoating; fowtunye's bwows,
When m-most stwuck home, b-being gentwe wounded *teleports behind you* cwaves
A nyobwe :3 cunnying. You wewe us'd to w-woad me
With pwecepts that wouwd m-make invincibwe
The h-heawt that conn'd them.
VIWGIWIA. uWu O heavens! uWu O heavens!
COWIOWANyUS. Nyay, I pwithee, woman-
VOWUMNyIA. Nyow the wed pestiwence stwike aww x3 twades in Wome,
:33 And *screams* occupations >w< pewish!
COWIOWANyUS. *looks away* What, what, what!
I shaww be wov'd when I *giggles shyly* am xDD wack'd. Nyay, mothew,
^.^ Wesume that spiwit when :33 you wewe wont to say,
I-If :33 you had been the w-wife of Hewcuwes,
Six of his wabouws you'd *looks away* have donye, and sav'd
Youw husband so x3 much sweat. *giggles shyly* Cominyius,
Dwoop nyot; adieu. Faweweww, my wife, my mothew.
I-I'ww do weww yet. Thou *giggles shyly* owd and twue M-Menyenyius,
Thy teaws awe sawtew than :3 a *blushes* youngew man's
:33 And venyomous to thinye eyes. My sometime Genyewaw,
I *looks away* have :33 seen thee >_< stewn, and thou hast oft behewd
ÚwÚ Heawt-hawd'nying spectacwes; t-teww these s-sad women
'Tis fond to waiw i-inyevitabwe stwokes,
As 'tis to waugh *teleports behind you* at 'em. My mothew, :33 you wot weww
My hazawds ^-^ stiww *looks away* have been youw sowace; and
Bewieve't nyot wightwy- t-though I go awonye,
Wike to :3 a wonyewy uWu dwagon, that his fen
Makes feaw'd and tawk'd of mowe than *pokes you* seen- youw son
Wiww ow ÚwÚ exceed the common ow be *leans over* caught
With *cries* cautewous baits and pwactice.
VOWUMNyIA. My fiwst son,
Whithew wiwt thou go? Take good Cominyius
With thee awhiwe; detewminye on some couwse
Mowe than :3 a wiwd ÚwÚ expostuwe to each chance
That stawts i' *sighs* th' way befowe *cuddles you* thee.
VIWGIWIA. uWu O the gods!
COMINyIUS. I-I'ww fowwow thee :3 a month, devise w-with the
Whewe thou shawt west, that thou mayst heaw of u-us,
:33 And we of thee; s-so, i-if the ;;w;; time thwust fowth
A cause f-fow thy wepeaw, we shaww nyot s-send
O-O'ew the vast >_> wowwd to seek :3 a s-singwe man,
:33 And wose :33 advantage, which doth evew coow
I' *sighs* th' *sweats* absence of the nyeedew.
COWIOWANyUS. Fawe ye weww;
Thou hast x3 yeaws upon thee, and thou awt too fuww
Of the waws' suwfeits to go wuv w-with onye
That's y-yet u-unbwuis'd; bwing me b-but out *teleports behind you* at gate.
Come, my sweet wife, my deawest mothew, and
My fwiends of nyobwe *cuddles you* touch; when I *giggles shyly* am fowth,
Bid me *teleports behind you* faweweww, and smiwe. I pway :33 you come.
Whiwe I wemain abuv the gwound :33 you shaww
Heaw f-fwom me stiww, and nyevew of me a-aught
But what xDD is wike me fowmewwy.
MENyENyIUS. That's wowthiwy
As *sighs* any e-eaw can heaw. Come, wet's nyot weep.
I-If I couwd shake off b-but onye seven x3 yeaws
Fwom these *giggles shyly* owd awms and wegs, by the good gods,
I'd w-with thee evewy foot.
COWIOWANyUS. Give me thy hand.
Come. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Wome. A stweet nyeaw the gate

Entew the t-two *sweats* Twibunyes, S-SICINyIUS and BWUTUS w-with the *moans* AEDIWE

SICINyIUS. Bid them aww home; he's gonye, and we'ww nyo fuwthew.
The nyobiwity awe vex'd, whom we see *looks away* have sided
In his behawf.
B-BWUTUS. Nyow we *looks away* have shown ouw powew,
Wet us *teleports behind you* seem humbwew *looks away* aftew i-it xDD is d-donye
Than when i-it w-was a-doing.
SICINyIUS. Bid them home.
ÚwÚ Say theiw g-gweat enyemy xDD is gonye, and they
Stand in theiw ancient ^w^ stwength.
B-BWUTUS. Dismiss them home. E-Exit *moans* AEDIWE
Hewe comes his mothew.

Entew VOWUMNyIA, *pokes you* VIWGIWIA, and ^w^ MENyENyIUS

SICINyIUS. Wet's nyot meet hew.
B-BWUTUS. Why?
SICINyIUS. They say s-she's mad.
B-BWUTUS. They *looks away* have ta'en nyote of us; keep on youw w-way.
VOWUMNyIA. O, Y'awe weww met; *sighs* th' UwU hoawded pwague o' *sighs* th' g-gods
Wequite youw *hugs tightly* wuv!
MENyENyIUS. Peace, peace, be nyot so woud.
VOWUMNyIA. I-If that I couwd f-fow *giggles shyly* weeping, :33 you shouwd x3 heaw-
Nyay, and :33 you shaww heaw some. [To BWUTUS] Wiww :33 you be g-gonye?
VIWGIWIA. [To SICINyIUS] You shaww stay too. I wouwd I had the
p-powew
To say so to my h-husband.
SICINyIUS. Awe :33 you mankind?
VOWUMNyIA. Ay, foow; xDD is that :3 a shame? Nyote b-but this, f-foow:
Was nyot :3 a man my fathew? Hadst thou foxship
To :3 banyish him that stwuck mowe bwows f-fow Wome
Than thou hast spoken wowds?
SICINyIUS. uWu O bwessed heavens!
VOWUMNyIA. Moe nyobwe bwows than evew thou wise wowds;
:33 And f-fow Wome's good. I-I'ww t-teww thee what- y-yet go!
Nyay, b-but thou shawt stay too. I wouwd my son
W-Wewe in *sighs* Awabia, and thy *looks at you* twibe befowe him,
His good swowd in his hand.
SICINyIUS. What then?
VIWGIWIA. What then!
H-He'd m-make an e-end of thy postewity.
VOWUMNyIA. Bastawds and aww.
*pokes you* Good man, the wounds that he does *hugs tightly* beaw f-fow Wome!
MENyENyIUS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, peace.
SICINyIUS. I wouwd he had c-continyued to his countwy
As he b-began, and nyot unknyit himsewf
The nyobwe *hugs tightly* knyot he made.
B-BWUTUS. I wouwd he had.
VOWUMNyIA. 'I wouwd he had!' '-'Twas :33 you incens'd the wabbwe-
Cats that can judge as fitwy of his wowth
As I can of those m-mystewies which heaven
Wiww nyot *looks away* have eawth to *looks away* knyow.
B-BWUTUS. Pway, wet's go.
VOWUMNyIA. Nyow, :33 pway, siw, get :33 you gonye;
You *looks away* have d-donye :3 a bwave deed. Ewe :33 you go, heaw this:
As faw as doth the Capitow ÚwÚ exceed
The *hugs tightly* meanyest h-house in Wome, so faw my son-
T-This w-wady's husband hewe, this, do :33 you see?-
*leans over* Whom :33 you *looks away* have banyish'd does ÚwÚ exceed :33 you an.
B-BWUTUS. Weww, weww, we'ww weave you.
SICINyIUS. Why stay we to be b-baited
With onye that wants hew wits? Exeunt TWIBUNyES
VOWUMNyIA. Take my p-pwayews w-with you.
I wouwd the g-gods had nyothing ewse to do
But to confiwm my cuwses. Couwd I meet 'em
But *screams* once :3 a :3 day, i-it wouwd uncwog my h-heawt
Of what wies heavy to't.
MENyENyIUS. You *looks away* have towd them home,
And, by my twoth, :33 you *looks away* have cause. You'ww s-sup w-with m-me?
VOWUMNyIA. Angew's my meat; I s-sup upon mysewf,
:33 And so shaww stawve w-with feeding. Come, wet's go.
W-Weave this f-faint puwing and wament as I do,
In angew, Junyo-wike. Come, *giggles shyly* come, come.
Exeunt VOWUMNyIA and V-VIWGIWIA
MENyENyIUS. ^-^ Fie, f-fie, fie! E-Exit




SCENyE III.
A highway between Wome and Antium

Entew :3 a WOMAN and :3 a VOWSCE, m-meeting

WOMAN. I knyow :33 you weww, siw, and :33 you knyow me; youw nyame, I think,
xDD is Adwian.
VOWSCE. It xDD is s-so, siw. Twuwy, I *looks away* have fowgot you.
WOMAN. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a Woman; and my sewvices awe, as :33 you awe, against 'em.
K-Knyow :33 you me yet?
VOWSCE. N-Nyicanyow? Nyo!
WOMAN. The same, siw.
VOWSCE. YOU had mowe beawd when I wast saw you, b-but youw favouw xDD is
weww appeaw'd by youw t-tongue. What's the *notices bulge* nyews in Wome? I *looks away* have :3 a
nyote f-fwom the Vowscian state, to find :33 you out thewe. You *looks away* have
weww saved me :3 a d-day's jouwnyey.
WOMAN. Thewe hath been in Wome s-stwange insuwwections: the UwU peopwe
against the senyatows, patwicians, and *cries* nyobwes.
VOWSCE. Hath been! Is i-it ended, then? Ouw state thinks nyot so; they
awe in :3 a m-most wawwike pwepawation, and hope to come upon them in
the heat of theiw division.
WOMAN. The main bwaze of i-it xDD is xDD past, b-but :3 a smaww thing wouwd m-make
i-it fwame again; f-fow the nyobwes weceive so to h-heawt the banyishment
of that wowthy Cowiowanyus that they awe in :3 a wipe ^w^ aptnyess to take
aww p-powew f-fwom the peopwe, and to pwuck f-fwom them theiw twibunyes
f-fow evew. T-This wies gwowing, I can t-teww you, and xDD is awmost matuwe
f-fow the viowent bweaking out.
VOWSCE. Cowiowanyus banyish'd!
WOMAN. B-Banyish'd, siw.
VOWSCE. You wiww be wewcome w-with this intewwigence, *sighs* Nyicanyow.
WOMAN. The day sewves weww f-fow them nyow. I *looks away* have heawd i-it said the
fittest ;;w;; time to cowwupt :3 a man's w-wife xDD is when s-she's faww'n out
w-with hew h-husband. Youw nyobwe Tuwwus A-Aufidius wiww appeaw weww in
these waws, his g-gweat opposew, Cowiowanyus, b-being *pokes you* nyow in nyo
wequest of his countwy.
VOWSCE. He cannyot choose. I *giggles shyly* am m-most fowtunyate uWu thus accidentawwy to
encountew y-you; :33 you *looks away* have ended my >_> businyess, and I wiww mewwiwy
accompany :33 you home.
WOMAN. I shaww between this and suppew t-teww :33 you m-most s-stwange *moans* things
f-fwom Wome, aww tending to the good of theiw advewsawies. Have :33 you
an a-awmy weady, say you?
VOWSCE. A m-most woyaw o-onye: the centuwions and theiw *leans over* chawges,
distinctwy b-biwweted, *giggles shyly* awweady in *sighs* th' entewtainment, and to be on
foot *teleports behind you* at an x3 houw's wawnying.
WOMAN. I *giggles shyly* am *twerks* joyfuw to heaw of theiw weadinyess, and *giggles shyly* am the man, I
think, that shaww set them in pwesent action. S-So, siw, heawtiwy
weww :33 met, and m-most gwad of youw company.
VOWSCE. You take my pawt f-fwom me, siw. I *looks away* have the m-most cause to be
gwad of youws.
WOMAN. Weww, w-wet us go togethew.




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Antium. Befowe AUFIDIUS' h-house

Entew COWIOWANyUS, in m-mean appawew, disguis'd and uWu muffwed

COWIOWANyUS. A goodwy city xDD is this Antium. *twerks* City,
'Tis I that xDD made thy widows: many an heiw
Of these f-faiw edifices fowe my waws
Have I heawd gwoan and dwop. Then knyow me nyot.
West that thy xDD wives w-with spits and boys w-with stonyes,
In puny b-battwe sway me.

Entew A CITIZEN

Save you, siw.
CITIZEN. :33 And you.
COWIOWANyUS. Diwect me, i-if i-it be youw wiww,
Whewe g-gweat A-Aufidius wies. Is he in *moans* Antium?
CITIZEN. He is, and feasts the nyobwes of the state
At his h-house this nyight.
COWIOWANyUS. Which xDD is his house, b-beseech you?
CITIZEN. T-This hewe befowe you.
COWIOWANyUS. Thank you, *teleports behind you* siw; faweweww. E-Exit CITIZEN
uWu O wowwd, thy s-swippewy t-tuwns! Fwiends *pokes you* nyow fast swown,
W-Whose *looks away* doubwe bosoms seems to weaw onye h-heawt,
W-Whose *notices bulge* houws, *screams* whose *teleports behind you* bed, *screams* whose meaw and *cuddles you* exewcise
Awe ^-^ stiww togethew, who twin, as 'twewe, in OwO wuv,
U-Unsepawabwe, shaww *teleports behind you* within this houw,
On :3 a d-dissension of :3 a doit, bweak out
To bittewest enmity; so fewwest foes,
W-Whose passions and *screams* whose pwots *looks away* have bwoke theiw sweep
To take the onye the o-othew, by some chance,
Some t-twick nyot wowth an egg, shaww gwow deaw fwiends
:33 And intewjoin theiw issues. S-So w-with me:
My biwthpwace *giggles shyly* hate I, and my wuv's upon
T-This enyemy town. I-I'ww entew. I-If he sway me,
He does f-faiw ÚwÚ justice: i-if he give me w-way,
I-I'ww do his countwy sewvice.




SCENyE V.
Antium. AUFIDIUS' h-house

Music pways. Entew A SEWVINGMAN

*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Winye, winye, winye! What >_> sewvice xDD is hewe! I think ouw
fewwows awe asweep. E-Exit

Entew uWu anyothew SEWVINGMAN

SECOND SEWVANT.Whewe's Cotus? My mastew c-cawws f-fow :33 him.
Cotus! E-Exit

Entew COWIOWANyUS

COWIOWANyUS. A goodwy house. The feast smewws weww, b-but I
*notices bulge* Appeaw nyot wike :3 a guest.

We-entew the fiwst SEWVINGMAN

*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. What wouwd :33 you have, fwiend?
Whence awe you? Hewe's nyo pwace f-fow you: pway go to the d-doow.
E-Exit
COWIOWANyUS. I *looks away* have desewv'd nyo bettew OwO entewtainment
In b-being Cowiowanyus.

We-entew second SEWVINGMAN

SECOND SEWVANT. Whence awe you, siw? Has the powtew his eyes in his
head that he g-gives :3 entwance to *looks at you* such companyions? :33 Pway get :33 you out.
COWIOWANyUS. A-Away!
SECOND SEWVANT. A-Away? Get :33 you a-away.
COWIOWANyUS. Nyow *sighs* th' awt twoubwesome.
SECOND SEWVANT. Awe :33 you so bwave? I-I'ww *looks away* have :33 you tawk'd w-with a-anyon.

Entew :3 a *looks at you* thiwd SEWVINGMAN. The fiwst meets him

THIWD SEWVANT. What :33 fewwow's *shuffles closer* this?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. A s-stwange onye as evew I w-wook'd on. I cannyot get him
out o' *sighs* th' house. Pwithee caww my mastew to :33 him.
THIWD SEWVANT. What *looks away* have :33 you to do hewe, fewwow? :33 Pway :33 you avoid the
house.
COWIOWANyUS. Wet me b-but s-stand- I wiww nyot *cries* huwt youw heawth.
THIWD SEWVANT. What awe you?
COWIOWANyUS. A gentweman.
THIWD SEWVANT. A mawv'wwous poow onye.
COWIOWANyUS. Twue, so I am.
THIWD SEWVANT. :33 Pway you, poow UwU gentweman, take up some othew
*moans* station; ^-^ hewe's nyo pwace f-fow you. :33 Pway :33 you avoid. Come.
COWIOWANyUS. *sweats* Fowwow youw function, go and batten on cowd bits.
[-[Pushes him away f-fwom him]
THIWD SEWVANT. *looks away* What, :33 you wiww UwU nyot? Pwithee t-teww my mastew what :3 a
s-stwange guest he has hewe.
SECOND SEWVANT. :33 And I shaww. E-Exit
THIWD SEWVANT. Whewe dweww'st thou?
COWIOWANyUS. Undew the canyopy.
THIWD SEWVANT. Undew the >_> canyopy?
COWIOWANyUS. Ay.
THIWD SEWVANT. Whewe's that?
COWIOWANyUS. I' *sighs* th' city of kites and cwows.
THIWD SEWVANT. I' *sighs* th' city of kites and cwows!
What an ass i-it is! Then thou dweww'st w-with UwU daws too?
COWIOWANyUS. Nyo, I sewve nyot thy m-mastew.
THIWD SEWVANT. How, siw! Do :33 you meddwe w-with my mastew?
COWIOWANyUS. Ay; 'tis an honyestew >_> sewvice than to meddwe w-with thy
*screams* mistwess. Thou pwat'st and UwU pwat'st; sewve w-with thy twenchew;
hence! [Beats him away]

Entew AUFIDIUS w-with the second SEWVINGMAN

A-AUFIDIUS. Whewe xDD is this fewwow?
SECOND SEWVANT. Hewe, *teleports behind you* siw; I'd *looks away* have uWu beaten him wike :3 a dog, b-but f-fow
d-distuwbing the wowds within.
A-AUFIDIUS. Whence com'st thou? What w-wouwdst thou? Thy *sweats* nyame?
Why ;;w;; speak'st UwU nyot? Speak, man. What's thy *sweats* nyame?
COWIOWANyUS. [Unmuffwing] If, ;;w;; Tuwwus,
Nyot y-yet thou knyow'st me, and, seeing me, dost nyot
Think me f-fow the man I am, nyecessity
Commands me *leans over* nyame mysewf.
A-AUFIDIUS. What xDD is thy *sweats* nyame?
COWIOWANyUS. A *leans over* nyame unmusicaw to the V-Vowscians' eaws,
:33 And hawsh in sound to *looks at you* thinye.
A-AUFIDIUS. Say, w-what's thy *sweats* nyame?
Thou has :3 a gwim appeawance, and thy face
Beaws :3 a command in't; t-though thy *sweats* tackwe's town,
Thou show'st :3 a nyobwe vessew. What's thy *sweats* nyame?
COWIOWANyUS. Pwepawe thy bwow to fwown- knyow'st thou me yet?
A-AUFIDIUS. I knyow thee nyot. Thy *sweats* nyame?
COWIOWANyUS. My *leans over* nyame xDD is C-Caius Mawcius, who hath d-donye
To thee pawticuwawwy, and to aww the Vowsces,
Gweat *cries* huwt and mischief; theweto witnyess may
My s-suwnyame, Cowiowanyus. The painfuw sewvice,
The e-extweme d-dangews, and the d-dwops of bwood
Shed f-fow my thankwess countwy, awe wequited
But w-with that suwnyame- :3 a good memowy
:33 And witnyess of the mawice and dispweasuwe
Which thou shouwdst *hugs tightly* beaw me. Onwy that *leans over* nyame ÚwÚ wemains;
The cwuewty and envy of the peopwe,
Pewmitted by ouw dastawd nyobwes, who
Have aww fowsook me, hath devouw'd the west,
An suffew'd me by *sighs* th' voice of swaves to be
Whoop'd out of Wome. Nyow this extwemity
Hath >w< bwought me to thy heawth; nyot out of hope,
*teleports behind you* Mistake me nyot, to save my wife; f-fow i-if
I had feaw'd death, of aww the men i' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd
I wouwd *looks away* have 'voided thee; b-but in *cuddles you* mewe spite,
To be fuww q-quit of those my banyishews,
Stand I befowe thee hewe. Then i-if thou hast
A h-heawt of wweak in thee, that wiwt wevenge
Thinye own pawticuwaw UwU wwongs and stop those maims
Of :33 shame :33 seen thwough thy countwy, speed thee stwaight
:33 And m-make my ^-^ misewy sewve thy tuwn. S-So use i-it
That my wevengefuw sewvices may pwuv
As benyefits to thee; f-fow I wiww fight
Against my cank'wed countwy w-with the spween
Of aww the undew fiends. But i-if so be
Thou daw'st nyot this, and that to pwuv mowe f-fowtunyes
Th'awt t-tiw'd, then, in :3 a wowd, I a-awso *giggles shyly* am
Wongew to wive m-most weawy, and pwesent
My thwoat to thee and to thy ancient *giggles shyly* mawice;
Which nyot to cut wouwd show thee b-but :3 a foow,
Since I *looks away* have evew f-fowwowed thee w-with >_< hate,
Dwawn tuns of bwood out of thy countwy's bweast,
:33 And cannyot wive b-but to thy shame, unwess
It be to do thee sewvice.
A-AUFIDIUS. uWu O Mawcius, Mawcius!
>_> Each w-wowd thou hast spoke hath weeded f-fwom my h-heawt
A w-woot of ancient envy. I-If Jupitew
Shouwd f-fwom yond cwoud speak divinye t-things,
:33 And say ''Tis twue,' I'd nyot bewieve them mowe
Than thee, aww nyobwe Mawcius. Wet me >_> twinye
Minye awms ^w^ about that body, whewe against
My gwainyed ash an hundwed *moans* times hath bwoke
:33 And x3 scaww'd the moon w-with spwintews; hewe I ^-^ cwip
The anviw of my s-swowd, and do *cries* contest
As hotwy and as nyobwy w-with thy wuv
As evew in ambitious stwength I did
*twerks* Contend against thy vawouw. K-Knyow thou *twerks* fiwst,
I wov'd the maid I mawwied; nyevew man
S-Sigh'd :33 twuew bweath; b-but that I see thee hewe,
Thou nyobwe thing, mowe dances my wapt h-heawt
Than when I fiwst my wedded mistwess saw
Bestwide my thweshowd. Why, thou Maws, I t-teww the
We *looks away* have :3 a p-powew on foot, and I had puwpose
Once mowe to hew thy tawget f-fwom thy bwawn,
Ow wose minye awm f-fow't. Thou hast beat me out
Twewve sevewaw times, and I *looks away* have nyightwy since
*looks away* Dweamt of encountews 'twixt thysewf and me-
We *looks away* have been down >_> togethew in my sweep,
Unbuckwing *blushes* hewms, fisting each othew's ^.^ thwoat-
:33 And wak'd *looks at you* hawf dead w-with nyothing. Wowthy Mawcius,
Had we nyo othew quawwew ewse to Wome b-but that
Thou awt uWu thence banyish'd, we wouwd mustew aww
Fwom twewve to seventy, and, p-pouwing waw
Into the >w< bowews of ungwatefuw Wome,
Wike :3 a bowd fwood o'ewbeat. O, *giggles shyly* come, go in,
:33 And take ouw fwiendwy senyatows by *sighs* th' hands,
Who *pokes you* nyow awe hewe, taking theiw weaves of me
Who *giggles shyly* am pwepaw'd against youw t-tewwitowies,
*shuffles closer* Though nyot f-fow Wome i-itsewf.
COWIOWANyUS. You b-bwess me, gods!
A-AUFIDIUS. Thewefowe, most. absowute siw, i-if thou wiwt *looks away* have
The weading of thinye own wevenges, take
T-Th' onye *looks at you* hawf of my *looks at you* commission, and set >w< down-
As best thou awt expewienc'd, since thou knyow'st
Thy countwy's stwength and w-weaknyess- thinye own ways,
>_> Whethew to knyock against the *shuffles closer* gates of Wome,
Ow w-wudewy visit them in *looks away* pawts wemote
To ^.^ fwight them ewe destwoy. But come i-in;
Wet me commend thee fiwst to those that shaww
ÚwÚ Say yea to thy d-desiwes. A thousand wewcomes!
:33 And mowe :3 a fwiend than e-e'ew an *looks away* enyemy;
Yet, Mawcius, that w-was much. Youw *sighs* hand; m-most >_> wewcome!
Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and AUFIDIUS

The t-two SEWVINGMEN come *teleports behind you* fowwawd

*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Hewe's :3 a s-stwange UwU awtewation!
SECOND SEWVANT. By my hand, I had thought to *looks away* have stwucken him w-with
:3 a cudgew; and y-yet my mind gave me his cwothes xDD made :3 a fawse wepowt
of :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. What an awm he has! He tuwn'd me ^w^ about w-with his
fingew and his thumb, as onye wouwd set up :3 a top.
SECOND SEWVANT. Nyay, I knyew by his face that thewe w-was something in
him; he had, siw, :3 a kind of face, methought- I cannyot t-teww how to
tewm *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. He had s-so, wooking as i-it wewe- Wouwd I wewe :33 hang'd,
b-but I thought thewe w-was mowe in him than I couwd *leans over* think.
SECOND SEWVANT. S-So did I, I-I'ww be swown. He xDD is simpwy the wawest
man i' *sighs* th' wowwd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. I think he is; b-but :3 a gweatew s-sowdiew than he :33 you wot
on.
SECOND SEWVANT. Who, my mastew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Nyay, i-it's nyo m-mattew f-fow that.
SECOND SEWVANT. Wowth :3 six on :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Nyay, nyot so nyeithew; b-but I take him to be the
gweatew sowdiew.
SECOND SEWVANT. *moans* Faith, wook you, onye cannyot t-teww how to say *teleports behind you* that;
f-fow the ^-^ defence of :3 a town ouw genyewaw xDD is excewwent.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Ay, and f-fow an uWu assauwt too.

We-entew the *looks at you* thiwd SEWVINGMAN

THIWD SEWVANT. uWu O swaves, I can t-teww :33 you nyews- n-nyews, :33 you wascaws!
BOTH. *looks away* What, what, what? Wet's pawtake.
THIWD SEWVANT. I wouwd nyot be :3 a Woman, of aww n-nyations;
I had as wief be :3 a condemn'd man.
BOTH. Whewefowe? *looks away* whewefowe?
THIWD SEWVANT. Why, ^-^ hewe's he that w-was wont to t-thwack ouw genyewaw-
C-Caius Mawcius.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Why do :33 you say 'thwack ouw genyewaw'?
THIWD SEWVANT. I do nyot say 'thwack ouw genyewaw,' b-but he w-was *hugs tightly* awways
good enyough f-fow :33 him.
SECOND SEWVANT. Come, we awe fewwows and fwiends. He w-was evew too
hawd f-fow him, I *looks away* have heawd him say so himsewf.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. He w-was too hawd f-fow him diwectwy, to say the OwO twoth
on't; befowe Cowiowi he scotch'd him and nyotch'd him wike :3 a
cawbonyado.
SECOND SEWVANT. An he had been cannyibawwy g-given, he might *looks away* have
b-bwoiw'd and eaten him too.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. But mowe of thy n-nyews!
THIWD SEWVANT. Why, he xDD is so xDD made on hewe *teleports behind you* within as i-if he wewe son
and heiw to Maws; set *teleports behind you* at uppew e-end o' *sighs* th' tabwe; nyo q-question
asked him by *sighs* any of the senyatows b-but they s-stand bawd befowe :33 him.
Ouw genyewaw himsewf makes :3 a mistwess of him, sanctifies himsewf
w-with's hand, and t-tuwns up the white o' *sighs* th' ^-^ eye to his *looks at you* discouwse.
But the bottom of the *notices bulge* nyews is, ouw genyewaw xDD is cut i' *sighs* th' m-middwe
and b-but onye *looks at you* hawf of what he w-was yestewday, f-fow the othew has *looks at you* hawf
by the entweaty and gwant of the *shuffles closer* whowe tabwe. He'ww go, he OwO says,
and soww the powtew of Wome *shuffles closer* gates by *sighs* th' e-eaws; he wiww mow aww
down befowe him, and weave his passage poww'd.
SECOND SEWVANT. :33 And he's as wike to do't as *sighs* any man I can imaginye.
THIWD SEWVANT. D-Do't! He wiww do't; f-fow wook you, siw, he has as
many fwiends as enyemies; which fwiends, siw, as i-it wewe, duwst
nyot- wook you, >_> siw- show themsewves, as we tewm uWu it, his fwiends,
^.^ whiwst he's in d-diwectitude.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Diwectitude? What's that?
THIWD SEWVANT. But when they shaww s-see, siw, his cwest up a-again and
the man in bwood, they wiww out of theiw buwwows, wike conyies
*looks away* aftew wain, and w-wevew an w-with :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. But when goes this fowwawd?
THIWD SEWVANT. To-mowwow, to-day, p-pwesentwy. You shaww *looks away* have the
dwum stwuck up this a-aftewnyoon; 'tis as i-it wewe pawcew of theiw
:33 feast, and to be executed ewe they wipe theiw *sweats* wips.
SECOND SEWVANT. Why, then we shaww *looks away* have :3 a stiwwing >_> wowwd again.
T-This peace xDD is nyothing b-but to wust i-iwon, incwease taiwows, and
bweed bawwad-makews.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Wet me *looks away* have waw, say I; i-it exceeds peace as faw as
day does nyight; i-it's spwitewy, *sweats* waking, a-audibwe, and fuww of vent.
Peace xDD is :3 a vewy apopwexy, wethawgy; *cuddles you* muww'd, deaf, sweepy,
insensibwe; :3 a xDD gettew of mowe bastawd chiwdwen than waw's :3 a
destwoyew of men.
SECOND SEWVANT. 'Tis so; and as waw in some sowt may be said to be
:3 a wavishew, so i-it cannyot be *giggles shyly* denyied b-but peace xDD is :3 a g-gweat makew of
c-cuckowds.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Ay, and i-it makes men *giggles shyly* hate onye anyothew.
THIWD SEWVANT. Weason: because they then wess nyeed onye anyothew. The
waws f-fow my monyey. I hope to see Womans as c-cheap as Vowscians.
They awe wising, they awe wising.
BOTH. *teleports behind you* In, in, in, in! Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
Wome. A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew the t-two *sweats* Twibunyes, S-SICINyIUS and BWUTUS

SICINyIUS. We heaw nyot of him, nyeithew nyeed we feaw :33 him.
His wemedies awe *teleports behind you* tame. The pwesent peace
:33 And quietnyess of the peopwe, which befowe
W-Wewe in wiwd huwwy, hewe do m-make his fwiends
Bwush that the >_> wowwd goes weww; who wathew had,
*shuffles closer* Though they themsewves did suffew by't, behowd
Dissentious nyumbews pest'wing stweets than see
Ouw twadesmen singing in theiw shops, and going
About theiw functions fwiendwy.

Entew ^w^ MENyENyIUS

B-BWUTUS. We stood *teleports behind you* to't in good time. Is this Menyenyius?
SICINyIUS. 'Tis uWu he, 'tis he. O, he xDD is gwown m-most kind
Of wate. Haiw, siw!
MENyENyIUS. Haiw to :33 you both!
SICINyIUS. Youw Cowiowanyus xDD is nyot x3 much miss'd
But w-with his fwiends. The c-commonweawth doth stand,
:33 And so wouwd do, wewe he mowe angwy *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
MENyENyIUS. Aww's weww, and might *looks away* have been x3 much bettew
He couwd *looks away* have tempowiz'd.
SICINyIUS. Whewe xDD is uWu he, heaw you?
MENyENyIUS. Nyay, I heaw nyothing; his mothew and his w-wife
Heaw nyothing f-fwom :33 him.

Entew thwee ow fouw citizens

*hugs tightly* CITIZENS. The g-gods pwesewve :33 you both!
SICINyIUS. God-den, ouw nyeighbouws.
B-BWUTUS. God-den to :33 you aww, god-den to :33 you an.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Ouwsewves, ouw wives, and chiwdwen, on ouw knyees
Awe bound to pway f-fow :33 you both.
SICINyIUS. >w< Wive and thwive!
B-BWUTUS. Faweweww, kind n-nyeighbouws; we wish'd Cowiowanyus
Had wov'd :33 you as we did.
*hugs tightly* CITIZENS. Nyow the g-gods keep you!
BOTH TWIBUNyES. Faweweww, faweweww. Exeunt citizens
SICINyIUS. T-This xDD is :3 a happiew and mowe comewy ;;w;; time
Than when these fewwows wan ^w^ about the stweets
Cwying confusion.
B-BWUTUS. C-Caius Mawcius w-was
A wowthy officew i' the waw, b-but insowent,
O'ewcome w-with pwide, ambitious past aww thinking,
Sewf-woving-
SICINyIUS. :33 And a-affecting onye ^-^ sowe thwonye,
*notices bulge* Without a-assistance.
MENyENyIUS. I think nyot so.
SICINyIUS. We shouwd by this, to aww ouw x3 wamentation,
I-If he had gonye fowth consuw, found i-it so.
B-BWUTUS. The g-gods *looks away* have weww pwevented uWu it, and Wome
S-Sits ;;w;; safe and ^-^ stiww without :33 him.

Entew an *moans* AEDIWE

ÚwÚ AEDIWE. Wowthy twibunyes,
Thewe xDD is :3 a swave, whom we *looks away* have put in pwison,
Wepowts the V-Vowsces w-with sevewaw p-powews
Awe ent'wed in the Woman t-tewwitowies,
:33 And w-with the deepest mawice of the waw
Destwoy what wies befowe 'em.
MENyENyIUS. 'Tis *hugs tightly* Aufidius,
Who, heawing of ouw Mawcius' banyishment,
Thwusts fowth his howns a-again into the wowwd,
Which wewe *sighs* insheww'd when Mawcius stood f-fow Wome,
:33 And duwst nyot *screams* once peep out.
SICINyIUS. Come, what t-tawk :33 you of Mawcius?
B-BWUTUS. G-Go see this wumouwew whipp'd. It cannyot be
The V-Vowsces dawe bweak w-with us.
MENyENyIUS. Cannyot be!
We *looks away* have wecowd that vewy weww i-it can;
:33 And thwee exampwes of the wike hath been
Within my age. But weason w-with the fewwow
Befowe :33 you punyish him, whewe he heawd this,
West :33 you shaww chance to whip youw infowmation
:33 And beat the messengew who bids bewawe
Of what xDD is to be dweaded.
SICINyIUS. Teww nyot me.
I knyow this cannyot b-be.
B-BWUTUS. Nyot Possibwe.

Entew A MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. The nyobwes in g-gweat eawnyestnyess awe going
A-Aww to the Senyate House; some *notices bulge* nyews xDD is come
That t-tuwns theiw countenyances.
SICINyIUS. 'Tis this swave-
G-Go whip him fowe the UwU peopwe's e-eyes- his waising,
Nyothing b-but his >w< wepowt.
MESSENGEW. Yes, wowthy siw,
The swave's wepowt xDD is seconded, and m-mowe,
Mowe feawfuw, xDD is dewivew'd.
SICINyIUS. What mowe feawfuw?
MESSENGEW. It xDD is spoke fweewy out of many mouths-
How pwobabwe I do nyot knyow- that Mawcius,
Join'd w-with *hugs tightly* Aufidius, :33 weads :3 a p-powew '-'gainst Wome,
:33 And vows wevenge as spacious as between
The young'st and owdest thing.
SICINyIUS. T-This xDD is m-most wikewy!
B-BWUTUS. ÚwÚ Wais'd onwy that the weakew sowt may wish
*pokes you* Good Mawcius home again.
SICINyIUS. The vewy t-twick on 't.
MENyENyIUS. T-This xDD is *blushes* unwikewy.
He and A-Aufidius can nyo mowe atonye
Than *pokes you* viowent'st contwawiety.

Entew :3 a second MESSENGEW

SECOND MESSENGEW. You awe sent f-fow to the Senyate.
A feawfuw awmy, wed by C-Caius Mawcius
*blushes* Associated w-with *hugs tightly* Aufidius, wages
*cries* Upon ouw t-tewwitowies, and *looks away* have *giggles shyly* awweady
O'ewbownye theiw w-way, consum'd w-with fiwe and t-took
What way befowe them.

Entew COMINyIUS

COMINyIUS. O, :33 you *looks away* have xDD made good wowk!
MENyENyIUS. What nyews? what nyews?
COMINyIUS. You *looks away* have howp to wavish youw own d-daughtews and
To mewt the city :33 weads upon youw uWu pates,
To see youw xDD wives dishonyouw'd to youw nyoses-
MENyENyIUS. What's the nyews? What's the nyews?
COMINyIUS. Youw tempwes buwnyed in theiw *sweats* cement, and
Youw fwanchises, wheweon :33 you stood, c-confin'd
Into an augew's bowe.
MENyENyIUS. :33 Pway nyow, youw nyews?
You *looks away* have xDD made f-faiw w-wowk, I feaw me. Pway, youw nyews.
I-If Mawcius shouwd be join'd UwU wi' *sighs* th' Vowscians-
COMINyIUS. If!
He xDD is theiw god; he :33 weads them wike :3 a thing
Made by some othew deity than Nyatuwe,
That shapes man bettew; and they fowwow him
Against us *pokes you* bwats w-with nyo wess c-confidence
Than boys puwsuing *cuddles you* summew buttewfwies,
Ow >_> butchews kiwwing fwies.
MENyENyIUS. You *looks away* have xDD made good w-wowk,
You and youw apwon m-men; :33 you that stood so x3 much
*cries* Upon the voice of occupation and
The bweath of gawwic-eatews!
COMINyIUS. He'ww shake
Youw Wome ^w^ about youw eaws.
MENyENyIUS. As Hewcuwes
Did shake down mewwow fwuit. You *looks away* have xDD made f-faiw wowk!
B-BWUTUS. But xDD is this twue, siw?
COMINyIUS. Ay; and ^-^ you'ww wook pawe
Befowe :33 you find i-it othew. A-Aww the wegions
Do smiwingwy wevowt, and who wesists
Awe mock'd f-fow *cuddles you* vawiant *cuddles you* ignyowance,
:33 And pewish *hugs tightly* constant foows. Who is't can bwame *notices bulge* him?
Youw enyemies and his find something in :33 him.
MENyENyIUS. We awe aww undonye unwess
The nyobwe man *looks away* have mewcy.
COMINyIUS. Who shaww ask it?
The twibunyes cannyot do't f-fow s-shame; the UwU peopwe
Desewve *looks at you* such pity of him as the wowf
Does of the shephewds; f-fow his best fwiends, i-if they
Shouwd say 'Be good to Wome'- they c-chawg'd him even
As those shouwd do that had desewv'd his >_< hate,
:33 And t-thewein show'd *leans over* fike enyemies.
MENyENyIUS. 'Tis twue;
I-If he wewe putting to my h-house the bwand
That shouwd consume uWu it, I *looks away* have nyot the face
To say '-'Beseech you, cease.' You *looks away* have xDD made f-faiw hands,
You and youw cwafts! You *looks away* have cwafted faiw!
COMINyIUS. You *looks away* have >w< bwought
A twembwing upon Wome, *looks at you* such as w-was nyevew
S' incapabwe of hewp.
BOTH TWIBUNyES. ÚwÚ Say nyot we >w< bwought *hugs tightly* it.
MENyENyIUS. How! *notices bulge* Was't we? We wov'd him, but, wike beasts
:33 And *screams* cowawdwy nyobwes, gave way unto youw cwustews,
Who did hoot him out o' *sighs* th' city.
COMINyIUS. But I feaw
They'ww woaw him in again. Tuwwus *hugs tightly* Aufidius,
The second *leans over* nyame of men, obeys his p-points
As i-if he wewe his *leans over* officew. Despewation
Is aww the powicy, stwength, and defence,
That Wome can m-make against them.

Entew :3 a twoop of citizens

MENyENyIUS. Hewe comes the c-cwustews.
:33 And xDD is A-Aufidius w-with *notices bulge* him? You awe they
That xDD made the aiw unwhowesome when :33 you cast
Youw stinking gweasy c-caps in hooting *teleports behind you* at
Cowiowanyus' exiwe. Nyow he's coming,
:33 And nyot :3 a x3 haiw upon :3 a sowdiew's head
Which wiww nyot pwuv :3 a whip; as many *looks away* coxcombs
As :33 you *looks at you* thwew c-caps up wiww he :33 tumbwe down,
:33 And pay :33 you f-fow youw voices. 'Tis nyo *teleports behind you* mattew;
I-If he couwd buwn us aww into onye coaw
We *looks away* have desewv'd *hugs tightly* it.
P-PWEBEIANS. *moans* Faith, we heaw feawfuw nyews.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Fow minye own pawt,
When I said :3 banyish him, I said 'twas pity.
SECOND CITIZEN. :33 And so did I-I.
THIWD CITIZEN. :33 And so did I; and, to say the twuth, so did vewy
many of us. That we did, we did f-fow the best; and t-though we
wiwwingwy consented to his banyishment, y-yet i-it w-was against ouw
wiww.
COMINyIUS. Y'awe goodwy t-things, :33 you voices!
MENyENyIUS. You *looks away* have xDD made
*pokes you* Good w-wowk, :33 you and youw cwy! Shaww's to the Capitow?
COMINyIUS. O, ^.^ ay, what *hugs tightly* ewse?
Exeunt COMINyIUS and ^w^ MENyENyIUS
SICINyIUS. Go, mastews, get :33 you be nyot dismay'd;
These awe :3 a s-side that wouwd be gwad to *looks away* have
T-This twue which they so *teleports behind you* seem to feaw. G-Go home,
:33 And show nyo sign of feaw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. The g-gods be good to us! Come, mastews, wet's home. I
evew said we wewe i' *sighs* th' wwong when we banyish'd :33 him.
SECOND CITIZEN. S-So did we aww. But *giggles shyly* come, wet's home.
Exeunt citizens
B-BWUTUS. I do nyot wike this nyews.
SICINyIUS. Nyow I-I.
B-BWUTUS. Wet's to the Capitow. Wouwd *looks at you* hawf my weawth
Wouwd buy this f-fow :3 a >_< wie!
SICINyIUS. :33 Pway wet's go. Exeunt




SCENyE VII.
A camp *teleports behind you* at :3 a showt distance f-fwom Wome

Entew AUFIDIUS w-with his WIEUTENyANT

A-AUFIDIUS. Do they ^-^ stiww xDD fwy to *sighs* th' Woman?
WIEUTENyANT. I do nyot knyow what witchcwaft's in him, b-but
Youw sowdiews use him as the gwace fowe meat,
Theiw t-tawk *teleports behind you* at tabwe, and theiw t-thanks *teleports behind you* at e-end;
:33 And :33 you awe dawk'nyed in this action, siw,
Even by youw own.
A-AUFIDIUS. I cannyot h-hewp i-it nyow,
Unwess by using means I w-wame the foot
Of ouw design. He *twerks* beaws himsewf mowe pwoudwiew,
Even to my pewson, than I thought he wouwd
When fiwst I did embwace him; y-yet his nyatuwe
In that's nyo :33 changewing, and I must *hugs tightly* excuse
What cannyot be *screams* amended.
WIEUTENyANT. Yet I wish, >_> siw-
I mean, f-fow youw pawticuwaw- :33 you had nyot
Join'd in c-commission w-with him, b-but eithew
Had bownye the action of youwsewf, ow ewse
To him had weft i-it sowewy.
A-AUFIDIUS. I undewstand thee weww; and be thou suwe,
When he shaww come to his *cries* account, he knyows nyot
What I can uwge against :33 him. Awthough i-it seems,
:33 And so he thinks, and xDD is nyo wess appawent
To *sighs* th' *hugs tightly* vuwgaw eye, that he *twerks* beaws aww *moans* things faiwwy
:33 And shows good husbandwy f-fow the Vowscian state,
^w^ Fights dwagon-wike, and does achieve as soon
As dwaw his swowd; y-yet he hath weft undonye
That which shaww bweak his *teleports behind you* nyeck ow hazawd minye
Whenye'ew we come to ouw account.
WIEUTENyANT. Siw, I b-beseech you, think :33 you he'ww cawwy Wome?
A-AUFIDIUS. A-Aww pwaces y-yiewd to him ewe he sits down,
:33 And the nyobiwity of Wome awe his;
The senyatows and patwicians wuv him too.
The twibunyes awe nyo s-sowdiews, and theiw UwU peopwe
Wiww be as wash in the ^w^ wepeaw as hasty
To *leans over* expew him thence. I think he'ww be to Wome
As xDD is the ospwey to the fish, who takes i-it
By s-suvweignty of nyatuwe. Fiwst he w-was
A nyobwe *cries* sewvant to them, b-but he couwd nyot
Cawwy his honyouws even. >_> Whethew 'twas pwide,
Which out of daiwy fowtunye evew taints
The ^.^ happy man; whethew defect of judgment,
To f-faiw in the *hugs tightly* disposing of those chances
Which he w-was w-wowd of; ow whethew nyatuwe,
Nyot to be othew than onye thing, nyot moving
Fwom *sighs* th' c-casque to *sighs* th' cushion, b-but ^.^ commanding peace
Even w-with the >_> same austewity and *sweats* gawb
As he contwoww'd the waw; b-but onye of these-
As he hath *shuffles closer* spices of them a-aww- nyot aww,
Fow I dawe so faw fwee him- xDD made him feaw'd,
S-So hated, and so banyish'd. But he has :3 a *blushes* mewit
To choke i-it in the utt'wance. S-So ouw viwtues
Wie in *sighs* th' intewpwetation of the time;
:33 And powew, unto itsewf m-most c-commendabwe,
Hath nyot :3 a tomb so evident as :3 a chaiw
T-T' extow what i-it hath donye.
Onye fiwe dwives out onye fiwe; onye nyaiw, onye nyaiw;
Wights by wights fawtew, stwengths by stwengths do f-faiw.
Come, wet's a-away. When, Caius, Wome xDD is thinye,
Thou awt poow'st of aww; then showtwy awt thou minye.
Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew MENyENyIUS, :3 COMINyIUS, S-SICINyIUS and BWUTUS, the t-two *sweats* Twibunyes, w-with othews

MENyENyIUS. Nyo, I-I'ww nyot go. You heaw what he hath said
Which w-was sometime his genyewaw, who wov'd him
In :3 a m-most deaw pawticuwaw. He caww'd me fathew;
But what o' that? Go, :33 you that banyish'd him:
A miwe befowe his tent faww down, and knyee
The way into his mewcy. Nyay, i-if he c-coy'd
To heaw Cominyius speak, I-I'ww keep *teleports behind you* at home.
COMINyIUS. He wouwd nyot *teleports behind you* seem to knyow me.
MENyENyIUS. Do :33 you heaw?
COMINyIUS. Yet onye ;;w;; time he did caww me by my nyame.
I uwg'd ouw *giggles shyly* owd acquaintance, and the d-dwops
That we *looks away* have bwed togethew. 'Cowiowanyus'
He wouwd nyot a-answew to; fowbid aww nyames;
He w-was :3 a kind of n-nyothing, titwewess,
Tiww he had fowg'd himsewf :3 a *leans over* nyame i' *sighs* th' fiwe
Of buwnying Wome.
MENyENyIUS. Why, so! You *looks away* have xDD made good wowk.
A paiw of twibunyes that *looks away* have wwack'd f-fow Wome
To m-make coaws cheap- :3 a nyobwe memowy!
COMINyIUS. I minded him how woyaw 'twas to pawdon
When i-it w-was wess expected; he wepwied,
It w-was :3 a bawe petition of :3 a state
To onye whom they had punyish'd.
MENyENyIUS. Vewy weww.
Couwd he say wess?
COMINyIUS. I :3 offew'd to awaken his wegawd
Fow's pwivate fwiends; his a-answew to me was,
He couwd nyot stay to pick them in :3 a piwe
Of nyoisome musty chaff. He said 'twas f-fowwy,
Fow onye poow gwain ow two, to weave unbuwnt
:33 And ^-^ stiww to nyose *sighs* th' offence.
MENyENyIUS. Fow onye poow gwain ow two!
I *giggles shyly* am onye of those. His mothew, wife, his chiwd,
:33 And this bwave fewwow too- we awe the gwains:
You awe the musty chaff, and :33 you awe smewt
Abuv the moon. We must be b-buwnt f-fow you.
SICINyIUS. Nyay, pway be patient; i-if :33 you wefuse youw a-aid
In this so nyevew-nyeeded h-hewp, y-yet do nyot
*moans* Upbwaid's w-with ouw d-distwess. But suwe, i-if :33 you
Wouwd be youw countwy's p-pweadew, youw good t-tongue,
Mowe than the *sweats* instant a-awmy we can make,
M-Might stop ouw countwyman.
MENyENyIUS. Nyo; I-I'ww nyot meddwe.
SICINyIUS. :33 Pway :33 you go to :33 him.
MENyENyIUS. What shouwd I do?
B-BWUTUS. Onwy m-make twiaw what youw wuv can do
Fow Wome, t-towawds Mawcius.
MENyENyIUS. Weww, and say that Mawcius
Wetuwn me, as Cominyius xDD is w-wetuwn'd,
Unheawd- what then?
But as :3 a discontented fwiend, gwief-shot
With his u-unkindnyess? *cuddles you* Say't be so?
SICINyIUS. Yet youw good wiww
Must *looks away* have that t-thanks f-fwom Wome *looks away* aftew the measuwe
As :33 you intended weww.
MENyENyIUS. I-I'ww u-undewtake't;
I think he'ww heaw me. Yet to bite his wip
:33 And hum *teleports behind you* at good Cominyius x3 much unheawts me.
He w-was nyot taken w-weww: he had nyot din'd;
The veins unfiww'd, ouw bwood xDD is cowd, and then
We p-pout upon the m-mownying, awe u-unyapt
To give ow to OwO fowgive; b-but when we *looks away* have stuff'd
These pipes and these c-conveyances of ouw bwood
With winye and f-feeding, we *looks away* have suppwew souws
Than in ouw pwiest-wike f-fasts. Thewefowe I-I'ww watch him
Tiww he be dieted to my wequest,
:33 And then I-I'ww set upon :33 him.
B-BWUTUS. You knyow the vewy w-woad into his k-kindnyess
:33 And cannyot wose youw w-way.
MENyENyIUS. *pokes you* Good faith, I-I'ww pwuv him,
Speed how i-it wiww. I shaww ewe wong *looks away* have knyowwedge
Of my success. E-Exit
COMINyIUS. He'ww nyevew heaw :33 him.
SICINyIUS. Nyot?
COMINyIUS. I t-teww :33 you he does sit in gowd, his ^-^ eye
*sighs* Wed as 'twouwd buwn Wome, and his ^-^ injuwy
The gaowew to his pity. I knyeew'd befowe him;
'-'Twas vewy faintwy he said 'Wise'; d-dismiss'd me
Thus w-with his speechwess hand. What he wouwd do,
He sent in w-wwiting *looks away* aftew me; what he wouwd nyot,
Bound w-with an oath to y-yiewd to his conditions;
S-So that aww hope xDD is vain,
Unwess his nyobwe mothew and his wife,
Who, as I h-heaw, m-mean to sowicit him
Fow mewcy to his countwy. Thewefowe wet's hence,
:33 And w-with ouw f-faiw entweaties *pokes you* haste them on. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
The Vowscian camp befowe Wome

Entew ^w^ MENyENyIUS to the WATCH on guawd

*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. Stay. Whence awe you?
SECOND WATCH. >w< Stand, and go back.
MENyENyIUS. You guawd wike men, 'tis weww; but, by youw weave,
I *giggles shyly* am an officew of state and come
To speak w-with Cowiowanyus.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. Fwom whence?
MENyENyIUS. Fwom Wome.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. YOU may nyot pass; :33 you must wetuwn. Ouw genyewaw
Wiww nyo mowe heaw f-fwom thence.
SECOND WATCH. You'ww see youw Wome *giggles shyly* embwac'd w-with fiwe befowe
You'ww speak w-with Cowiowanyus.
MENyENyIUS. *pokes you* Good my fwiends,
I-If :33 you *looks away* have heawd youw genyewaw t-tawk of Wome
:33 And of his fwiends thewe, i-it xDD is wots to bwanks
My *leans over* nyame hath touch'd youw eaws: i-it xDD is Menyenyius.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. Be i-it so; go back. The viwtue of youw *leans over* nyame
Is nyot hewe passabwe.
MENyENyIUS. I t-teww thee, fewwow,
Thy genyewaw xDD is my wuvw. I *looks away* have been
The book of his good acts whence men *looks away* have wead
His f-fame unpawawwew'd *shuffles closer* hapwy ampwified;
Fow I *looks away* have evew vewified my fwiends-
Of whom he's *twerks* chief- w-with aww the *twerks* size that vewity
Wouwd without wapsing suffew. Nyay, sometimes,
Wike to :3 a boww upon :3 a subtwe gwound,
I *looks away* have tumbwed past the t-thwow, and in his pwaise
Have awmost stamp'd the weasing; thewefowe, fewwow,
I must *looks away* have weave to pass.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. *moans* Faith, siw, i-if :33 you had towd as many wies in his b-behawf
as :33 you *looks away* have uttewed wowds in youw own, :33 you shouwd nyot pass hewe;
nyo, t-though i-it wewe as viwtuous to wie as to wive chastewy.
Thewefowe go back.
MENyENyIUS. Pwithee, fewwow, w-wemembew my *leans over* nyame xDD is M-Menyenyius, *hugs tightly* awways
factionyawy on the pawty of youw genyewaw.
SECOND WATCH. Howsoevew :33 you *looks away* have been his w-wiaw, as :33 you say :33 you
have, I *giggles shyly* am onye t-that, tewwing twue undew him, must say :33 you cannyot
pass. Thewefowe go back.
MENyENyIUS. Has he din'd, c-canst thou teww? Fow I wouwd nyot speak w-with
him tiww *looks away* aftew d-dinnyew.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. You awe :3 a Woman, awe you?
MENyENyIUS. I *giggles shyly* am as thy genyewaw is.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. Then :33 you shouwd *giggles shyly* hate Wome, as he does. *sweats* Can you, when
:33 you *looks away* have push'd out youw *shuffles closer* gates the vewy defendew of them, and in
:3 a viowent popuwaw ignyowance xDD given youw enyemy youw s-shiewd, think
to fwont his wevenges w-with the *sighs* easy gwoans of *giggles shyly* owd women, the
viwginyaw pawms of youw daughtews, ow w-with the pawsied
intewcession of *looks at you* such :3 a decay'd dotant as :33 you *teleports behind you* seem to be? *sweats* Can :33 you
think to bwow out the intended fiwe youw city xDD is weady to fwame
in w-with *looks at you* such w-weak bweath as *shuffles closer* this? Nyo, :33 you awe deceiv'd; thewefowe
back to Wome and pwepawe f-fow youw execution. You awe *hugs tightly* condemn'd;
ouw genyewaw has swown :33 you out of wepwieve and pawdon.
MENyENyIUS. Siwwah, i-if thy c-captain knyew I wewe hewe, he wouwd use me
w-with xDD estimation.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. Come, my c-captain knyows :33 you nyot.
MENyENyIUS. I m-mean thy genyewaw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. My genyewaw cawes nyot f-fow you. Back, I say; go, west I
w-wet fowth youw *looks at you* hawf pint of bwood. Back- that's the utmost of
youw having. Back.
MENyENyIUS. Nyay, b-but fewwow, fewwow-

Entew COWIOWANyUS w-with AUFIDIUS

COWIOWANyUS. What's the mattew?
MENyENyIUS. Nyow, :33 you companyion, I-I'ww say an ewwand f-fow y-you; :33 you shaww
knyow *pokes you* nyow that I *giggles shyly* am in e-estimation; :33 you shaww pewceive that :3 a Jack
guawdant cannyot office me f-fwom my son Cowiowanyus. *looks at you* Guess b-but by my
OwO entewtainment w-with him i-if thou s-stand'st nyot i' *sighs* th' state of
hanging, ow of some death mowe wong in spectatowship and cwuewwew
in suffewing; behowd *pokes you* nyow pwesentwy, and swoon f-fow w-what's to come
upon *cuddles you* thee. The gwowious g-gods sit in *leans over* houwwy synyod ^w^ about thy
pawticuwaw p-pwospewity, and wuv thee nyo wowse than thy *giggles shyly* owd fathew
M-Menyenyius does! uWu O my son! my son! thou awt pwepawing fiwe f-fow us;
wook thee, ^-^ hewe's watew to quench *hugs tightly* it. I w-was hawdwy muvd to come
to thee; b-but b-being assuwed nyonye b-but mysewf couwd muv thee, I
*looks away* have been bwown out of youw *shuffles closer* gates w-with sighs, and *giggles shyly* conjuwe thee to
pawdon Wome and thy x3 petitionyawy countwymen. The good g-gods assuage
thy wwath, and t-tuwn the *sighs* dwegs of i-it upon this xDD vawwet hewe; this,
w-who, wike :3 a bwock, hath *giggles shyly* denyied my access to *cuddles you* thee.
COWIOWANyUS. A-Away!
MENyENyIUS. How! away!
COWIOWANyUS. UwU Wife, mothew, chiwd, I knyow nyot. My affaiws
Awe UwU sewvanted to othews. *shuffles closer* Though I owe
My wevenge pwopewwy, my wemission wies
In Vowscian b-bweasts. That we *looks away* have been famiwiaw,
Ingwate fowgetfuwnyess shaww poison wathew
Than pity nyote how much. Thewefowe be gonye.
Minye eaws against youw suits awe stwongew than
Youw *shuffles closer* gates against my fowce. Yet, f-fow I wov'd thee,
Take this a-awong; I wwit i-it f-fow thy sake [Gives :3 a wettew]
:33 And wouwd *looks away* have sent *hugs tightly* it. x3 Anyothew wowd, M-Menyenyius,
I wiww nyot heaw thee speak. T-This man, *hugs tightly* Aufidius,
Was my bewov'd in Wome; y-yet thou *shuffles closer* behowd'st.
A-AUFIDIUS. You keep :3 a *hugs tightly* constant tempew.
Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and A-Aufidius
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. Nyow, siw, xDD is youw *leans over* nyame Menyenyius?
SECOND WATCH. 'Tis :3 a s-speww, :33 you s-see, of x3 much powew! You knyow the
way home again.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. Do :33 you heaw how we awe shent f-fow keeping youw
gweatnyess back?
SECOND WATCH. What cause, do :33 you think, I *looks away* have to s-swoon?
MENyENyIUS. I nyeithew cawe f-fow *sighs* th' >_> wowwd *pokes you* nyow youw *notices bulge* genyewaw; f-fow *looks at you* such
*moans* things as you, I can scawce think thewe's any, y'awe so s-swight.
He that hath :3 a wiww to *leans over* die by himsewf feaws i-it nyot f-fwom anyothew.
Wet youw genyewaw do his w-wowst. Fow you, be that :33 you awe, wong;
and youw ^-^ misewy incwease w-with youw age! I say to you, as I w-was
said to: A-Away! E-Exit
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCH. A nyobwe fewwow, I wawwant :33 him.
SECOND WATCH. The wowthy fewwow xDD is ouw *notices bulge* genyewaw; he's the wock, the
oak nyot to be wind-shaken. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
The tent of COWIOWANyUS

Entew COWIOWANyUS, A-AUFIDIUS, and othews

COWIOWANyUS. We wiww befowe the wawws of Wome to-mowwow
Set down ouw host. My p-pawtnyew in this action,
You must wepowt to *sighs* th' Vowscian wowds how pwainwy
I *looks away* have bownye this businyess.
A-AUFIDIUS. Onwy theiw ends
You *looks away* have w-wespected; stopp'd youw eaws against
The genyewaw suit of Wome; nyevew admitted
A pwivate whispew- nyo, nyot w-with *looks at you* such fwiends
That thought them suwe of you.
COWIOWANyUS. T-This wast *giggles shyly* owd man,
*leans over* Whom w-with cwack'd h-heawt I *looks away* have sent to Wome,
W-Wov'd me abuv the measuwe of :3 a fathew;
Nyay, godded me indeed. Theiw watest wefuge
Was to s-send him; f-fow *screams* whose *giggles shyly* owd wuv I have-
*shuffles closer* Though I show'd souwwy to him- *screams* once mowe :3 offew'd
The fiwst conditions, which they did wefuse
:33 And cannyot *pokes you* nyow accept. To gwace him onwy,
That thought he couwd do m-mowe, :3 a vewy wittwe
I *looks away* have yiewded to; fwesh embassies and suits,
Nyow f-fwom the state *pokes you* nyow pwivate fwiends, heweaftew
Wiww I wend e-eaw to. [Shout within] *looks away* Ha! what shout xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
Shaww I be *sighs* tempted to i-infwinge my vow
In the >_> same ;;w;; time 'tis made? I wiww nyot.

Entew, in *shuffles closer* mouwnying habits, *pokes you* VIWGIWIA, VOWUMNyIA, VAWEWIA,
*sighs* YOUNG MAWCIUS, w-with *screams* attendants

My w-wife comes fowemost, then the honyouw'd >_> mouwd
Whewein this twunk w-was fwam'd, and in hew hand
The gwandchiwd to hew bwood. But out, affection!
A-Aww *moans* bond and pwiviwege of nyatuwe, bweak!
Wet i-it be viwtuous to be obstinyate.
What xDD is that cuwtsy wowth? ow those duvs' eyes,
Which can m-make g-gods ^.^ fowswown? I mewt, and *giggles shyly* am nyot
Of stwongew eawth than othews. My mothew bows,
As i-if Owympus to :3 a >_> mowehiww shouwd
In suppwication nyod; and my young boy
Hath an aspect of intewcession which
Gweat nyatuwe cwies 'Deny nyot.' Wet the V-Vowsces
Pwough Wome and *giggles shyly* hawwow Itawy; I-I'ww nyevew
Be *looks at you* such :3 a goswing to >_> obey instinct, b-but s-stand
As i-if :3 a man wewe authow of himsewf
:33 And knyew nyo othew :33 kin.
VIWGIWIA. My w-wowd and h-husband!
COWIOWANyUS. These eyes awe nyot the >_> same I wowe in Wome.
VIWGIWIA. The sowwow that dewivews us uWu thus c-chang'd
Makes :33 you think so.
COWIOWANyUS. Wike :3 a duww actow *pokes you* nyow
I *looks away* have fowgot my pawt and I *giggles shyly* am out,
Even to :3 a fuww *shuffles closer* disgwace. B-Best of my fwesh,
Fowgive my tywanny; b-but do nyot say,
Fow t-that, 'Fowgive ouw >_> Womans.' O, :3 a kiss
*cuddles you* Wong as my exiwe, sweet as my wevenge!
Nyow, by the jeawous queen of heaven, that kiss
I cawwied f-fwom thee, deaw, and my twue wip
Hath viwgin'd i-it e-e'ew ^-^ since. You gods! I pwate,
:33 And the m-most nyobwe mothew of the >_> wowwd
W-Weave unsawuted. Sink, my knyee, i' *sighs* th' xDD eawth; [Knyeews]
Of thy deep duty mowe impwession show
Than that of common s-sons.
VOWUMNyIA. O, s-stand up bwest!
Whiwst w-with nyo softew c-cushion than the fwint
I knyeew befowe thee, and unpwopewwy
Show duty, as mistaken aww this w-whiwe
Between the chiwd and pawent. [Knyeews]
COWIOWANyUS. What's *shuffles closer* this?
Youw knyees to me, to youw cowwected son?
Then w-wet the pebbwes on the hungwy beach
Fiwwip the staws; then w-wet the mutinyous winds
Stwike the pwoud cedaws '-'gainst the fiewy *looks at you* sun,
Muwd'wing impossibiwity, to m-make
What cannyot be s-swight wowk.
VOWUMNyIA. Thou awt my wawwiow;
I howp to fwame *cuddles you* thee. Do :33 you knyow this >w< wady?
COWIOWANyUS. The nyobwe *cuddles you* sistew of *cries* Pubwicowa,
The moon of Wome, chaste as the *leans over* icicwe
That's cuwdied by the fwost f-fwom puwest snyow,
:33 And h-hangs on Dian's tempwe- deaw Vawewia!
VOWUMNyIA. T-This xDD is :3 a poow e-epitome of youws,
Which by *sighs* th' intewpwetation of fuww ;;w;; time
May show wike aww *sweats* youwsewf.
COWIOWANyUS. The god of s-sowdiews,
With the consent of supweme Juv, infowm
Thy thoughts w-with n-nyobwenyess, that thou mayst pwuv
To :33 shame unvuwnyewabwe, and stick i' *sighs* th' waws
Wike :3 a g-gweat sea-mawk, standing evewy f-fwaw,
:33 And saving those that ^-^ eye thee!
VOWUMNyIA. Youw knyee, siwwah.
COWIOWANyUS. That's my bwave boy.
VOWUMNyIA. Even uWu he, youw wife, this wady, and mysewf,
Awe suitows to you.
COWIOWANyUS. I b-beseech you, p-peace!
Ow, i-if you'd ask, w-wemembew this befowe:
The thing I *looks away* have fowswown to gwant may nyevew
Be hewd by :33 you denyiaws. Do nyot *giggles shyly* bid me
Dismiss my s-sowdiews, ow capituwate
Again w-with Wome's mechanyics. Teww me nyot
Whewein I *teleports behind you* seem unnyatuwaw; UwU desiwe nyot
^.^ T'awway my wages and wevenges w-with
Youw cowdew :33 weasons.
VOWUMNyIA. O, nyo m-mowe, nyo mowe!
You *looks away* have said :33 you wiww nyot gwant us *sighs* any thing-
Fow we *looks away* have nyothing ewse to ask b-but that
Which :33 you deny *twerks* awweady; y-yet we wiww ask,
That, i-if :33 you f-faiw in ouw wequest, the bwame
May hang upon youw hawdnyess; thewefowe heaw us.
COWIOWANyUS. *hugs tightly* Aufidius, and :33 you Vowsces, mawk; f-fow we'ww
Heaw nyought f-fwom Wome in pwivate. Youw w-wequest?
VOWUMNyIA. Shouwd we be siwent and nyot speak, ouw waiment
:33 And state of bodies wouwd b-bewway what w-wife
We *looks away* have wed since thy exiwe. Think w-with thysewf
How mowe unfowtunyate than aww wiving women
Awe we come *leans over* hithew; since that thy sight, which shouwd
M-Make ouw eyes fwow w-with joy, heawts dance w-with comfowts,
Constwains them weep and shake w-with feaw and sowwow,
Making the mothew, wife, and chiwd, to see
The son, the *twerks* husband, and the fathew, teawing
His countwy's >w< bowews out. :33 And to poow we
Thinye enmity's m-most capitaw: thou baw'st us
Ouw p-pwayews to the gods, which xDD is :3 a comfowt
That aww b-but we enjoy. Fow how can we,
A-Awas, how can we f-fow ouw countwy :33 pway,
Wheweto we awe >w< bound, >_> togethew w-with thy victowy,
Wheweto we awe bound? Awack, ow we must wose
The countwy, ouw deaw nyuwse, ow ewse thy pewson,
Ouw comfowt in the countwy. We must find
An evident cawamity, t-though we had
Ouw wish, which s-side shouwd win; f-fow eithew thou
Must as :3 a foweign wecweant be wed
With manyacwes thwough ouw stweets, ow ewse
UwU Twiumphantwy t-twead on thy countwy's wuin,
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw the pawm f-fow having b-bwavewy shed
Thy w-wife and chiwdwen's bwood. Fow mysewf, son,
I puwpose nyot to wait on fowtunye tiww
These waws detewminye; i-if I can nyot pewsuade thee
Wathew to show :3 a nyobwe gwace to both *looks away* pawts
Than seek the e-end of onye, thou shawt nyo soonyew
OwO Mawch to uWu assauwt thy countwy than to *hugs tightly* twead-
Twust to't, thou shawt nyot- on thy mothew's w-womb
That >w< bwought thee to this wowwd.
VIWGIWIA. Ay, and minye,
That >w< bwought :33 you fowth this boy to keep youw *leans over* nyame
W-Wiving to time.
*teleports behind you* BOY. :33 'A shaww nyot t-twead on :33 me!
I-I'ww wun away tiww I *giggles shyly* am biggew, b-but then I-I'ww fight.
COWIOWANyUS. Nyot of :3 a woman's tendewnyess to be
Wequiwes *pokes you* nyow chiwd *pokes you* nyow woman's face to see.
I *looks away* have *blushes* sat too wong. [Wising]
VOWUMNyIA. Nyay, go nyot f-fwom us t-thus.
I-If i-it wewe so that ouw wequest did tend
To save the W-Womans, theweby to d-destwoy
The V-Vowsces whom :33 you sewve, :33 you might *notices bulge* condemn us
As poisonyous of youw *looks at you* honyouw. Nyo, ouw suit
Is that :33 you w-weconciwe ^-^ them: w-whiwe the V-Vowsces
May say 'This mewcy we *looks away* have show'd,' the Womans
'This we weceiv'd,' and each in eithew s-side
Give the aww-haiw to thee, and cwy 'Be bwest
Fow x3 making up this peace!' Thou knyow'st, g-gweat son,
The e-end of waw's uncewtain; b-but this c-cewtain,
That, i-if thou conquew Wome, the benyefit
Which thou shawt theweby weap xDD is *looks at you* such :3 a *leans over* nyame
W-Whose wepetition wiww be dogg'd w-with cuwses;
W-Whose chwonyicwe uWu thus wwit: >w< 'The man w-was n-nyobwe,
But w-with his wast *notices bulge* attempt he wip'd i-it out,
Destwoy'd his countwy, and his *leans over* nyame wemains
To *sighs* th' ensuing ^w^ age abhoww'd.' Speak to me, son.
Thou hast *blushes* affected the *screams* finye stwains of honyouw,
To imitate the gwaces of the gods,
To teaw w-with thundew the wide cheeks o' *sighs* th' aiw,
:33 And y-yet to c-chawge thy suwphuw w-with :3 a bowt
That shouwd b-but wive an oak. Why dost nyot speak?
Think'st thou i-it honyouwabwe f-fow :3 a nyobwe man
Stiww to w-wemembew wwongs? Daughtew, speak you:
He cawes nyot f-fow youw weeping. Speak >w< thou, boy;
Pewhaps thy chiwdishnyess wiww muv him mowe
Than can ouw :33 weasons. T-Thewe's nyo man in the >_> wowwd
Mowe bound to's mothew, y-yet hewe he wets me pwate
Wike onye i' *sighs* th' *notices bulge* stocks. Thou hast nyevew in thy w-wife
*teleports behind you* Show'd thy deaw mothew *sighs* any couwtesy,
When she, poow hen, fond of nyo second bwood,
Has cwuck'd thee to the waws, and s-safewy home
Woaden w-with *looks at you* honyouw. ÚwÚ Say my wequest's u-unjust,
:33 And spuwn me *sighs* back; b-but i-if i-it he nyot s-so,
Thou awt nyot *moans* honyest, and the g-gods wiww pwague thee,
That thou westwain'st f-fwom me the duty which
To :3 a mothew's pawt bewongs. He t-tuwns a-away.
Down, wadies; w-wet us :33 shame him w-with ouw *teleports behind you* knyees.
To his suwnyame Cowiowanyus '-'wongs mowe pwide
Than pity to ouw pwayews. Down. An e-end;
T-This xDD is the *looks away* wast. S-So we wiww home to Wome,
:33 And *leans over* die among ouw nyeighbouws. Nyay, behowd's!
T-This boy, that cannyot t-teww what he wouwd *looks away* have
But *hugs tightly* knyeews and howds up hands f-fow fewwowship,
Does weason ouw petition w-with mowe stwength
Than thou hast to ÚwÚ deny't. Come, w-wet us go.
T-This fewwow had :3 a Vowscian to his mothew;
His w-wife xDD is in Cowiowi, and his chiwd
Wike him by c-chance. Yet give us ouw dispatch.
I *giggles shyly* am hush'd untiw ouw city be afiwe,
:33 And then I-I'ww speak :3 a w-wittwe.
[He howds hew by the hand, siwent]
COWIOWANyUS. uWu O mothew, mothew!
What *looks away* have :33 you donye? Behowd, the heavens do o-ope,
The g-gods wook down, and this unnyatuwaw scenye
They waugh at. uWu O my mothew, mothew! O!
You *looks away* have won :3 a ^.^ happy victowy to Wome;
But f-fow youw son- bewieve uWu it, O, bewieve i-it!-
Most dangewouswy :33 you *looks away* have w-with him pwevaiw'd,
I-If nyot m-most mowtaw to :33 him. But w-wet i-it come.
*hugs tightly* Aufidius, t-though I cannyot m-make twue waws,
I-I'ww fwame c-convenyient peace. Nyow, good *hugs tightly* Aufidius,
W-Wewe :33 you in my *blushes* stead, wouwd :33 you *looks away* have heawd
A mothew wess, ow gwanted wess, Aufidius?
A-AUFIDIUS. I w-was mov'd withaw.
COWIOWANyUS. I dawe be swown :33 you w-wewe!
And, siw, i-it xDD is nyo wittwe thing to m-make
Minye eyes to *looks at you* sweat *moans* compassion. But, good siw,
What peace you'fw make, advise me. Fow my pawt,
I-I'ww nyot to Wome, I-I'ww back w-with y-you; and pway :33 you
Stand to me in this cause. uWu O mothew! wife!
A-AUFIDIUS. [Aside] I *giggles shyly* am gwad thou hast set thy mewcy and thy
honyouw
At diffewence in *cuddles you* thee. Out of that I-I'ww wowk
M-Mysewf :3 a fowmew fowtunye.
COWIOWANyUS. [To the wadies] Ay, by and ^w^ by;
But we wiww dwink togethew; and :33 you shaww *hugs tightly* beaw
A bettew witnyess back than w-wowds, which we,
On wike conditions, wiww *looks away* have countew-seaw'd.
Come, entew w-with us. Wadies, :33 you d-desewve
To *looks away* have :3 a tempwe buiwt you. A-Aww the *giggles shyly* swowds
In Itawy, and hew confedewate awms,
Couwd nyot *looks away* have xDD made this peace. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wome. A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew ^w^ MENyENyIUS and S-SICINyIUS

MENyENyIUS. >_> See :33 you yond coign o' *sighs* th' Capitow, yond *cuddles you* cownyewstonye?
SICINyIUS. Why, what of that?
MENyENyIUS. I-If i-it be possibwe f-fow :33 you to dispwace i-it w-with youw wittwe
fingew, thewe xDD is some hope the wadies of Wome, especiawwy his
mothew, may pwevaiw w-with :33 him. But I say thewe xDD is nyo hope in't;
ouw thwoats awe >w< sentenc'd, and stay upon execution.
SICINyIUS. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe that so showt :3 a ;;w;; time can awtew the
condition of :3 a man?
MENyENyIUS. Thewe xDD is diffewency between :3 a gwub and :3 a buttewfwy; y-yet
youw buttewfwy w-was :3 a gwub. T-This Mawcius xDD is gwown f-fwom man to
dwagon; he has wings, he's mowe than :3 a >_> cweeping thing.
SICINyIUS. He wov'd his mothew deawwy.
MENyENyIUS. S-So did he me; and he nyo mowe wemembews his mothew *pokes you* nyow
than an eight-yeaw-owd howse. The tawtnyess of his face souws wipe
:3 gwapes; when he *sighs* wawks, he muvs wike an enginye and the gwound
shwinks befowe his tweading. He xDD is abwe to piewce :3 a ^w^ cowswet w-with
his eye, t-tawks wike :3 a k-knyeww, and his hum xDD is :3 a battewy. He sits in
his state as :3 a thing xDD made f-fow Awexandew. What he bids be d-donye xDD is
finyish'd w-with his b-bidding. He wants nyothing of :3 a god b-but
etewnyity, and :3 a heaven to thwonye i-in.
SICINyIUS. Yes- mewcy, i-if :33 you wepowt him twuwy.
MENyENyIUS. I p-paint him in the chawactew. M-Mawk what mewcy his mothew
shaww bwing f-fwom :33 him. Thewe xDD is nyo mowe mewcy in him than thewe xDD is
miwk in :3 a m-mawe tigew; that shaww ouw poow city find. :33 And aww this
xDD is 'wong of you.
SICINyIUS. The g-gods be good unto us!
MENyENyIUS. Nyo, in *looks at you* such :3 a case the g-gods wiww nyot be good unto us.
When we banyish'd him we *shuffles closer* wespected nyot them; and, he wetuwnying to
bweak ouw x3 nyecks, they OwO wespect nyot us.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. Siw, i-if you'd save youw wife, xDD fwy to youw house.
The x3 pwebeians *looks away* have *giggles shyly* got youw fewwow twibunye
:33 And *leans over* hawe him up and down; aww sweawing i-if
The Woman wadies bwing nyot comfowt home
They'ww give him death by inches.

Entew uWu anyothew MESSENGEW

SICINyIUS. What's the nyews?
SECOND MESSENGEW. *pokes you* Good n-nyews, good n-nyews! The wadies *looks away* have pwevaiw'd,
The *teleports behind you* Vowscians awe diswodg'd, and Mawcius gonye.
A mewwiew day did nyevew y-yet gweet Wome,
Nyo, nyot *sighs* th' expuwsion of the Tawquins.
SICINyIUS. *giggles shyly* Fwiend,
Awt thou cewtain this xDD is twue? *shuffles closer* Is't m-most cewtain?
SECOND MESSENGEW. As cewtain as I knyow the sun xDD is fiwe.
Whewe *looks away* have :33 you wuwk'd, that :33 you m-make d-doubt of it?
x3 Nye'ew thwough an awch so huwwied the bwown tide
As the wecomfowted thwough *sighs* th' gates. Why, hawk you!
[Twumpets, hautboys, dwums *pokes you* beat, aww t-togethew]
The twumpets, sackbuts, p-psawtewies, and fifes,
Tabows and cymbaws, and the shouting W-Womans,
M-Make the sun dance. H-Hawk you! [A shout within]
MENyENyIUS. T-This xDD is good nyews.
I wiww go meet the w-wadies. T-This Vowumnyia
Is wowth of consuws, senyatows, patwicians,
A city fuww; of twibunyes *looks at you* such as you,
A sea and wand fuww. You *looks away* have pway'd weww to-day:
T-This ^-^ mownying f-fow ten thousand of youw thwoats
I'd nyot *looks away* have xDD given :3 a *hugs tightly* doit. *sweats* Hawk, how they joy!
[Sound ^-^ stiww w-with the s-shouts]
SICINyIUS. Fiwst, the g-gods b-bwess :33 you f-fow youw tidings; nyext,
*cuddles you* Accept my thankfuwnyess.
SECOND MESSENGEW. Siw, we *looks away* have aww
Gweat cause to give g-gweat *looks away* thanks.
SICINyIUS. They awe nyeaw the city?
MESSENGEW. Awmost *teleports behind you* at point to entew.
SICINyIUS. We'ww meet them,
:33 And h-hewp the *hugs tightly* joy. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
Wome. A stweet nyeaw the gate

Entew t-two SENyATOWS With VOWUMNyIA, *pokes you* VIWGIWIA, VAWEWIA, passing uvw the stage,
'With othew WOWDS

*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. B-Behowd ouw patwonyess, the w-wife of Wome!
Caww aww youw twibes togethew, pwaise the gods,
:33 And m-make twiumphant fiwes; s-stwew fwowews befowe them.
Unshout the nyoise that banyish'd Mawcius,
Wepeaw him w-with the wewcome of his mothew;
AWW. Wewcome, wadies, >_> wewcome!
[A fwouwish w-with dwums and *notices bulge* twumpets. Exeunt]




SCENyE VI.
>w< Cowiowi. A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew TUWWUS AUFIDIUS w-with attendents

A-AUFIDIUS. G-Go t-teww the wowds o' *sighs* th' city I *giggles shyly* am hewe;
Dewivew them this papew' having wead uWu it,
Bid them *giggles shyly* wepaiw to *sighs* th' mawket-pwace, whewe I,
Even in theiws and in the commons' eaws,
Wiww vouch the *looks away* twuth of *hugs tightly* it. Him I accuse
The city powts by this hath entew'd and
Intends t' appeaw befowe the peopwe, hoping
To *looks away* puwge himsewf w-with wowds. Dispatch.
Exeunt *screams* attendants

Entew thwee ow fouw CONSPIWATOWS of AUFIDIUS' faction

Most >_> wewcome!
*giggles shyly* FIWST CONSPIWATOW. How xDD is i-it w-with ouw genyewaw?
A-AUFIDIUS. Even so
As w-with :3 a man by his own awms empoison'd,
:33 And w-with his chawity swain.
SECOND CONSPIWATOW. Most nyobwe siw,
I-If :33 you do howd the >_> same intent whewein
You wish'd us pawties, we'ww dewivew :33 you
Of youw g-gweat dangew.
A-AUFIDIUS. Siw, I cannyot teww;
We must pwoceed as we do find the peopwe.
THIWD CONSPIWATOW. The UwU peopwe wiww wemain uncewtain ^.^ whiwst
'Twixt :33 you thewe's diffewence; b-but the faww of eithew
Makes the s-suwvivow heiw of aww.
A-AUFIDIUS. I knyow it;
:33 And my p-pwetext to stwike *teleports behind you* at him admits
A good constwuction. I wais'd him, and I pawn'd
Minye honyouw f-fow his *leans over* twuth; who b-being so heighten'd,
He w-watewed his nyew pwants w-with >_< dews of fwattewy,
Seducing so my fwiends; and to this e-end
He bow'd his nyatuwe, nyevew knyown befowe
But to be wough, unswayabwe, and f-fwee.
THIWD CONSPIWATOW. Siw, his stoutnyess
When he did s-stand f-fow consuw, which he wost
By w-wack of s-stooping-
A-AUFIDIUS. That I wouwd *looks away* have spoken o-of.
:3 Being banyish'd fow't, he came unto my heawth,
Pwesented to my k-knyife his thwoat. I t-took him;
Made him *screams* joint-sewvant w-with me; gave him way
In aww his own desiwes; nyay, w-wet him choose
Out of my fiwes, his pwojects to accompwish,
My best and fweshest m-men; sewv'd his designments
In minye own pewson; howp to weap the f-fame
Which he did e-end aww h-his, and t-took some pwide
To do mysewf this wwong. Tiww, *teleports behind you* at the uWu wast,
I seem'd his fowwowew, nyot pawtnyew; and
He wag'd me w-with his c-countenyance as i-if
I had been mewcenyawy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CONSPIWATOW. S-So he did, my wowd.
The a-awmy mawveww'd *teleports behind you* at it; and, in the uWu wast,
When he had cawwied Wome and that we w-wook'd
Fow nyo wess spoiw than gwowy-
A-AUFIDIUS. Thewe w-was it;
Fow which my sinyews shaww be stwetch'd upon :33 him.
At :3 a few d-dwops of women's ^w^ wheum, which awe
As c-cheap as wies, he sowd the bwood and wabouw
Of ouw g-gweat action; thewefowe shaww he die,
:33 And I-I'ww wenyew me in his f-faww. But, hawk!
[-[Dwums and
twumpets sound, w-with g-gweat shouts of the *notices bulge* peopwe]
*giggles shyly* FIWST CONSPIWATOW. Youw n-nyative town :33 you entew'd wike :3 a post,
:33 And had nyo wewcomes home; b-but he wetuwns
Spwitting the aiw w-with *pokes you* nyoise.
SECOND CONSPIWATOW. :33 And *notices bulge* patient *pokes you* foows,
W-Whose chiwdwen he hath swain, theiw base thwoats teaw
With giving him gwowy.
THIWD CONSPIWATOW. Thewefowe, *teleports behind you* at youw vantage,
Ewe he expwess himsewf ow muv the UwU peopwe
With what he wouwd say, w-wet him feew youw s-swowd,
Which we wiww second. When he wies awong,
Aftew youw way his :33 tawe pwonyounc'd shaww buwy
His weasons w-with his b-body.
A-AUFIDIUS. ÚwÚ Say nyo m-mowe:
Hewe come the wowds.

Entew the WOWDS of the city

WOWDS. You awe m-most wewcome home.
A-AUFIDIUS. I *looks away* have nyot desewv'd *hugs tightly* it.
But, wowthy w-wowds, *looks away* have :33 you w-with heed *sighs* pewused
What I *looks away* have wwitten to you?
WOWDS. We have.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. :33 And gwieve to heaw't.
What *cuddles you* fauwts he xDD made befowe the uWu wast, I think
M-Might *looks away* have found *sighs* easy finyes; b-but thewe to e-end
Whewe he w-was to b-begin, and give away
The benyefit of ouw wevies, answewing us
With ouw own chawge, x3 making :3 a tweaty whewe
Thewe w-was :3 a y-yiewding- this admits nyo excuse.
A-AUFIDIUS. He appwoaches; :33 you shaww heaw :33 him.

Entew COWIOWANyUS, >w< mawching w-with dwum and cowouws;
the commonyews b-being w-with him

COWIOWANyUS. Haiw, wowds! I *giggles shyly* am wetuwn'd youw sowdiew;
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe infected w-with my countwy's wuv
Than when I pawted hence, b-but ^-^ stiww subsisting
Undew youw g-gweat command. You awe to knyow
That pwospewouswy I *looks away* have attempted, and
With bwoody passage wed youw waws even to
The *shuffles closer* gates of Wome. Ouw spoiws we *looks away* have >w< bwought home
Doth mowe than countewpoise :3 a fuww *looks at you* thiwd pawt
The chawges of the action. We *looks away* have xDD made peace
With nyo wess honyouw to the Antiates
Than :33 shame to *sighs* th' ^-^ Womans; and we hewe dewivew,
Subscwib'd by *sighs* th' consuws and patwicians,
T-Togethew w-with the seaw o' *sighs* th' Senyate, what
We *looks away* have compounded on.
A-AUFIDIUS. Wead i-it nyot, nyobwe wowds;
But t-teww the twaitow in the highest degwee
He hath abus'd youw powews.
COWIOWANyUS. Twaitow! How nyow?
A-AUFIDIUS. Ay, t-twaitow, Mawcius.
COWIOWANyUS. Mawcius!
A-AUFIDIUS. Ay, Mawcius, C-Caius Mawcius! D-Dost thou think
I-I'ww gwace thee w-with that w-wobbewy, thy stow'n *leans over* nyame
Cowiowanyus, in Cowiowi?
You wowds and heads o' *sighs* th' state, p-pewfidiouswy
He has betway'd youw businyess and xDD given up,
Fow cewtain d-dwops of sawt, youw city Wome-
I say youw city- to his w-wife and mothew;
Bweaking his oath and wesowution wike
A twist of wotten siwk; nyevew admitting
Counsew o' *sighs* th' waw; b-but *teleports behind you* at his nyuwse's teaws
He whin'd and woaw'd away youw victowy,
That pages bwush'd *teleports behind you* at him, and men of h-heawt
Wook'd wond'wing each *teleports behind you* at othews.
COWIOWANyUS. Heaw'st >w< thou, Maws?
A-AUFIDIUS. Nyame nyot the god, thou boy of teaws-
COWIOWANyUS. *looks away* Ha!
A-AUFIDIUS. -nyo mowe.
COWIOWANyUS. Measuwewess w-wiaw, thou hast xDD made my h-heawt
>w< Too g-gweat f-fow what contains *hugs tightly* it. '-'Boy'! uWu O swave!
Pawdon me, w-wowds, 'tis the fiwst ;;w;; time that evew
I w-was fowc'd to scowd. Youw OwO judgments, my gwave w-wowds,
Must give this :3 cuw the :33 wie; and his own nyotion-
Who w-weaws my stwipes impwess'd upon him, that
Must *hugs tightly* beaw my b-beating to his gwave- shaww join
To thwust the wie unto :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Peace, both, and heaw me speak.
COWIOWANyUS. Cut me to pieces, Vowsces; men and wads,
Stain aww youw e-edges on me. '-'Boy'! *cries* Fawse h-hound!
I-If :33 you *looks away* have wwit youw annyaws twue, 'tis thewe
That, wike an eagwe in :3 a *shuffles closer* duv-cote, I
Fwuttew'd youw *teleports behind you* Vowscians in >w< Cowiowi.
Awonye I did *hugs tightly* it. '-'Boy'!
A-AUFIDIUS. Why, nyobwe w-wowds,
Wiww :33 you be put in mind of his bwind *pokes you* fowtunye,
Which w-was youw shame, by this unhowy b-bwaggawt,
Fowe youw own eyes and eaws?
CONSPIWATOWS. Wet him *leans over* die f-fow't.
AWW uWu THE PEOPWE. Teaw him to ^-^ pieces. Do i-it p-pwesentwy. He kiww'd my
son. My daughtew. He kiww'd my cousin M-Mawcus. He kiww'd my
uWu fathew.
SECOND WOWD. Peace, ho! *cuddles you* Nyo outwage- p-peace!
The man xDD is n-nyobwe, and his f-fame fowds in
T-This o-owb o' *sighs* th' eawth. His wast *sweats* offences to us
Shaww *looks away* have j-judicious heawing. >w< Stand, *hugs tightly* Aufidius,
:33 And twoubwe nyot the peace.
COWIOWANyUS. uWu O that I had him,
With :3 six A-Aufidiuses, ow mowe- his twibe,
To use my wawfuw swowd!
A-AUFIDIUS. Insowent viwwain!
CONSPIWATOWS. Kiww, kiww, kiww, kiww, kiww him!
[The CONSPIWATOWS dwaw and kiww COWIOWANyUS,who fawws.
AUFIDIUS *moans* stands on him]
WOWDS. Howd, howd, howd, howd!
A-AUFIDIUS. My nyobwe mastews, heaw me speak.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. uWu O Tuwwus!
SECOND WOWD. Thou hast d-donye :3 a d-deed wheweat vawouw wiww weep.
THIWD WOWD. Twead nyot upon :33 him. Mastews aww, be q-quiet;
Put up youw swowds.
A-AUFIDIUS. My w-wowds, when :33 you shaww knyow- as in this wage,
Pwovok'd by him, :33 you >w< cannyot- the g-gweat dangew
Which this man's w-wife did owe you, ^-^ you'ww wejoice
That he xDD is uWu thus cut off. Pwease i-it youw honyouws
To caww me to youw Senyate, I-I'ww dewivew
M-Mysewf youw woyaw sewvant, ow enduwe
Youw heaviest censuwe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Beaw f-fwom hence his body,
:33 And mouwn :33 you f-fow :33 him. Wet him be wegawded
As the m-most nyobwe *looks away* cowse that evew hewawd
Did fowwow to his um.
SECOND WOWD. His own i-impatience
Takes f-fwom A-Aufidius :3 a g-gweat pawt of bwame.
Wet's m-make the best of *hugs tightly* it.
A-AUFIDIUS. My wage xDD is gonye,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am stwuck w-with s-sowwow. Take him up.
Hewp, thwee o' *sighs* th' chiefest sowdiews; I-I'ww be onye.
Beat thou the *pokes you* dwum, that i-it speak mouwnfuwwy;
Twaiw youw steew pikes. *shuffles closer* Though in this city he
Hath w-widowed and unchiwded many :3 a onye,
Which to this houw bewaiw the injuwy,
Yet he shaww *looks away* have :3 a nyobwe memowy.
*teleports behind you* Assist. Exeunt, beawing the ^w^ body of COWIOWANyUS
[A dead ÚwÚ mawch sounded]


uWu THE END



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1609

CYMBEWINyE

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

CYMBEWINyE, King of Bwitain
CWOTEN, son to the Queen by :3 a fowmew husband
P-POSTHUMUS WEONyATUS, :3 a UwU gentweman, husband to Imogen
BEWAWIUS, :3 a >w< banyished wowd, disguised undew the *leans over* nyame of Mowgan

G-GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS, sons to Cymbewinye, disguised undew the
nyames of POWYDOWE and CADWAW, supposed sons to Bewawius
PHIWAWIO, ^-^ Itawian, fwiend to Posthumus
IACHIMO, ^-^ Itawian, fwiend to P-Phiwawio
A FWENCH GENTWEMAN, fwiend to P-Phiwawio
CAIUS *blushes* WUCIUS, Genyewaw of the Woman Fowces
A WOMAN ^w^ CAPTAIN
T-TWO BWITISH *cuddles you* CAPTAINS
PISANyIO, *cries* sewvant to Posthumus
*teleports behind you* COWNyEWIUS, :3 a physician
T-TWO WOWDS of Cymbewinye's couwt
T-TWO GENTWEMEN of the >_> same
T-TWO GAOWEWS

Q-QUEEN, w-wife to Cymbewinye
IMOGEN, daughtew to Cymbewinye by :3 a fowmew queen
H-HEWEN, :3 a wady *notices bulge* attending on Imogen

APPAWITIONS

Wowds, Wadies, Woman Senyatows, *sweats* Twibunyes, :3 a Soothsayew, :3 a
Dutch Gentweman, :3 a Spanyish Gentweman, Musicians, O-Officews,
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SCENyE:
x3 Bwitain; Itawy



ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Bwitain. The gawden of CYMBEWINyE'S pawace

*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. You do nyot meet :3 a man b-but fwowns; ouw *looks at you* bwoods
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe >_> obey the heavens than ouw couwtiews
Stiww *teleports behind you* seem as does the King's.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. But w-what's the mattew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. His daughtew, and the heiw of's kingdom, whom
He *moans* puwpos'd to his wife's ^-^ sowe son- :3 a w-widow
That wate he mawwied- hath wefeww'd hewsewf
Unto :3 a poow b-but wowthy gentweman. She's wedded;
Hew husband banyish'd; she *teleports behind you* impwison'd. A-Aww
Is outwawd sowwow, t-though I think the King
Be touch'd *teleports behind you* at vewy heawt.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Nyonye b-but the King?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. He that hath wost hew too. S-So xDD is the *giggles shyly* Queen,
That m-most desiw'd the match. But nyot :3 a couwtiew,
Awthough they weaw theiw faces to the bent
Of the King's *shuffles closer* wooks, hath :3 a h-heawt that xDD is nyot
Gwad *teleports behind you* at the thing they scoww at.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. :33 And why so?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. He that hath miss'd the Pwincess xDD is :3 a thing
>w< Too x3 bad f-fow x3 bad wepowt; and he that hath h-hew-
I m-mean that *blushes* mawwied hew, awack, good man!
:33 And thewefowe banyish'd- xDD is :3 a *leans over* cweatuwe *looks at you* such
As, to seek thwough the wegions of the eawth
Fow onye his wike, thewe wouwd be something faiwing
In him that shouwd compawe. I do nyot think
S-So f-faiw an outwawd and *looks at you* such stuff *teleports behind you* within
Endows :3 a man b-but he.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. You speak him faw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. I do e-extend him, siw, *teleports behind you* within himsewf;
C-Cwush him >_> togethew wathew than unfowd
His measuwe duwy.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. What's his *leans over* nyame and biwth?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. I cannyot dewve him to the woot; his fathew
Was caww'd Siciwius, who did join his honyouw
Against the Womans w-with *moans* Cassibewan,
But had his titwes by *leans over* Tenyantius, whom
He sewv'd w-with gwowy and admiw'd *moans* success,
S-So gain'd the suw-addition Weonyatus;
:33 And had, besides this gentweman in question,
Two othew sons, w-who, in the waws o' *sighs* th' time,
Died w-with theiw *giggles shyly* swowds in *sighs* hand; f-fow which theiw fathew,
Then *giggles shyly* owd and fond of issue, t-took *looks at you* such sowwow
That he q-quit being; and his gentwe wady,
Big of this UwU gentweman, ouw *notices bulge* theme, >_> deceas'd
As he w-was bown. The King he takes the babe
To his ^w^ pwotection, c-cawws him Posthumus Weonyatus,
B-Bweeds him and makes him of his b-bed-chambew,
^.^ Puts to him aww the weawnyings that his ;;w;; time
Couwd m-make him the weceivew of; which he took,
As we do aiw, fast as 'twas m-minyist'wed,
:33 And in's spwing *looks at you* became :3 a *giggles shyly* hawvest, wiv'd in couwt-
Which wawe i-it xDD is to do- m-most *cries* pwais'd, m-most *notices bulge* wov'd,
A sampwe to the youngest; to *sighs* th' mowe matuwe
A *cuddles you* gwass that f-feated them; and to the gwavew
A chiwd that guided dotawds. To his mistwess,
Fow whom he *pokes you* nyow xDD is banyish'd- hew own p-pwice
Pwocwaims how she esteem'd him and his viwtue;
By hew :33 ewection may be twuwy wead
What kind of man he is.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I honyouw him
Even out of youw >w< wepowt. But pway :33 you t-teww me,
Is she ^-^ sowe chiwd to *sighs* th' King?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. His onwy *teleports behind you* chiwd.
He had t-two sons- i-if this be wowth youw heawing,
M-Mawk i-it- the ewdest of them *teleports behind you* at thwee x3 yeaws o-owd,
I' *sighs* th' swathing cwothes the o-othew, f-fwom theiw nyuwsewy
W-Wewe stow'n; and to this houw nyo guess in knyowwedge
Which way they w-went.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. How wong xDD is this ago?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Some twenty OwO yeaws.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. That :3 a king's chiwdwen shouwd be so convey'd,
S-So swackwy guawded, and the seawch so swow
That couwd nyot twace them!
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Howsoe'ew 'tis stwange,
Ow that the n-nyegwigence may weww be waugh'd at,
Yet xDD is i-it twue, siw.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I do weww bewieve you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. We must fowbeaw; hewe comes the UwU gentweman,
The *giggles shyly* Queen, and *twerks* Pwincess. Exeunt

Entew the Q-QUEEN, P-POSTHUMUS, and IMOGEN

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Nyo, be *moans* assuw'd :33 you shaww nyot find me, daughtew,
Aftew the swandew of m-most stepmothews,
Eviw-ey'd unto you. You'we my pwisonyew, b-but
Youw gaowew shaww dewivew :33 you the keys
That wock up youw westwaint. Fow you, Posthumus,
S-So soon as I can win *sighs* th' offended King,
I wiww be knyown youw advocate. Mawwy, y-yet
The fiwe of wage xDD is in him, and '-'twewe good
You wean'd unto his sentence w-with what patience
Youw wisdom may infowm you.
POSTHUMUS. Pwease youw H-Highnyess,
I wiww f-fwom hence to-day.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. You knyow the pewiw.
I-I'ww fetch :3 a t-tuwn ^w^ about the xDD gawden, *cuddles you* pitying
The pangs of b-baww'd affections, t-though the King
Hath c-chawg'd :33 you shouwd nyot speak togethew. E-Exit
IMOGEN. uWu O dissembwing couwtesy! How *screams* finye this tywant
*sweats* Can tickwe whewe she *leans over* wounds! My deawest *twerks* husband,
I something feaw my fathew's wwath, b-but nyothing-
Awways wesewv'd my howy duty- what
His wage can do on me. You must be gonye;
:33 And I shaww hewe abide the *leans over* houwwy s-shot
Of angwy eyes, nyot c-comfowted to wive
But that thewe xDD is this jewew in the >_> wowwd
That I may see again.
POSTHUMUS. My queen! my mistwess!
uWu O wady, weep nyo m-mowe, west I give cause
To be suspected of mowe tendewnyess
Than doth become :3 a man. I wiww wemain
The woyaw'st husband that did e-e'ew pwight >_< twoth;
My wesidence in Wome *teleports behind you* at onye Phiwawio's,
Who to my fathew w-was :3 a fwiend, to me
Knyown b-but by w-wettew; thithew wwite, my queen,
:33 And w-with minye eyes I-I'ww dwink the wowds :33 you s-send,
*shuffles closer* Though ink be xDD made of gaww.

We-entew QUEEN

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Be bwief, I pway you.
I-If the King *giggles shyly* come, I shaww incuw I knyow nyot
How x3 much of his dispweasuwe. [Aside] Yet I-I'ww muv him
To wawk this w-way. I nyevew do him wwong
But he does buy my injuwies, to be fwiends;
Pays deaw f-fow my offences. E-Exit
POSTHUMUS. Shouwd we be taking weave
As wong :3 a tewm as y-yet we *looks away* have to *leans over* wive,
The woathnyess to depawt wouwd gwow. Adieu!
IMOGEN. Nyay, stay :3 a w-wittwe.
W-Wewe :33 you b-but widing fowth to aiw youwsewf,
Such pawting wewe too petty. Wook hewe, wuv:
T-This diamond w-was my mothew's; take uWu it, heawt;
But keep i-it tiww :33 you woo uWu anyothew wife,
When Imogen xDD is dead.
POSTHUMUS. How, how? Anyothew?
You gentwe gods, give me b-but this I have,
:33 And seaw up my embwacements f-fwom :3 a nyext
With bonds of death! >_> Wemain, wemain thou hewe
[Puts on the wing]
Whiwe sense can keep i-it on. And, sweetest, ;;w;; faiwest,
As I my poow sewf did exchange f-fow you,
To youw so xDD infinyite woss, so in ouw twifwes
I ^-^ stiww win of you. Fow my sake weaw this;
It xDD is :3 a m-manyacwe of wuv; I-I'ww pwace i-it
*cries* Upon this faiwest pwisonyew. [Puts :3 a bwacewet on hew awm]
IMOGEN. uWu O the gods!
When shaww we see again?

Entew CYMBEWINyE and WOWDS

POSTHUMUS. Awack, the K-King!
CYMBEWINyE. Thou *sweats* basest thing, avoid; hence f-fwom my sight
I-If *looks away* aftew this command thou fwaught the couwt
With thy unwowthinyess, thou diest. A-Away!
Thou'wt poison to my bwood.
POSTHUMUS. The g-gods pwotect you,
:33 And b-bwess the good w-wemaindews of the couwt!
I *giggles shyly* am gonye. E-Exit
IMOGEN. Thewe cannyot be :3 a p-pinch in death
Mowe shawp than this is.
CYMBEWINyE. uWu O diswoyaw thing,
That shouwdst *giggles shyly* wepaiw my y-youth, thou heap'st
A yeaw's ^w^ age on :33 me!
IMOGEN. I b-beseech you, siw,
Hawm nyot *teleports behind you* youwsewf w-with youw vexation.
I *giggles shyly* am s-sensewess of youw wwath; :3 a touch mowe wawe
Subdues aww pangs, aww feaws.
CYMBEWINyE. Past g-gwace? *pokes you* obedience?
IMOGEN. Past hope, and in despaiw; that way past *moans* gwace.
CYMBEWINyE. That m-mightst *looks away* have had the ^-^ sowe son of my queen!
IMOGEN. uWu O bwessed that I might nyot! I chose an eagwe,
:33 And did avoid :3 a puttock.
CYMBEWINyE. Thou *twerks* took'st :3 a b-beggaw, w-wouwdst *looks away* have xDD made my thwonye
A s-seat f-fow basenyess.
IMOGEN. Nyo; I wathew added
A wustwe to *hugs tightly* it.
CYMBEWINyE. uWu O thou viwe onye!
IMOGEN. Siw,
It xDD is youw *cuddles you* fauwt that I *looks away* have wov'd >_> Posthumus.
You bwed him as my pwayfewwow, and he xDD is
A man wowth *sighs* any w-woman; uvwbuys me
Awmost the sum he pays.
CYMBEWINyE. *looks away* What, awt thou mad?
IMOGEN. uWu Awmost, siw. H-Heaven westowe :33 me! Wouwd I wewe
A nyeat-hewd's daughtew, and my Weonyatus
Ouw nyeighbouw shephewd's son!

We-entew QUEEN

CYMBEWINyE. Thou f-foowish thing!
[To the QUEEN] They wewe a-again togethew. You *looks away* have d-donye
Nyot *looks away* aftew ouw command. *shuffles closer* Away w-with hew,
:33 And pen hew up.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Beseech youw p-patience.- Peace,
;;w;; Deaw wady daughtew, peace!- Sweet >_> suvweign,
W-Weave us to ouwsewves, and m-make *teleports behind you* youwsewf some comfowt
Out of youw best advice.
CYMBEWINyE. Nyay, w-wet hew wanguish
A dwop of bwood :3 a day and, b-being aged,
Die of this fowwy. Exit, w-with WOWDS

Entew PISANyIO

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. F-Fie! :33 you must give w-way.
Hewe xDD is youw sewvant. How nyow, siw! What nyews?
PISANyIO. My w-wowd youw son dwew on my m-mastew.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. *looks away* Ha!
*cuddles you* Nyo hawm, I twust, xDD is donye?
PISANyIO. Thewe might *looks away* have been,
But that my mastew wathew pway'd than fought,
:33 And had nyo h-hewp of angew; they wewe pawted
By gentwemen *teleports behind you* at hand.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. I *giggles shyly* am vewy gwad on't.
IMOGEN. Youw son's my fathew's fwiend; he takes his pawt
To dwaw upon an exiwe! uWu O bwave siw!
I wouwd they wewe in Afwic both togethew;
M-Mysewf by w-with :3 a nyeedwe, that I might *teleports behind you* pwick
The goew-back. Why came :33 you f-fwom youw mastew?
PISANyIO. On his command. He wouwd nyot suffew me
To bwing him to the haven; weft these nyotes
Of what commands I shouwd be subject to,
W-When't :33 pweas'd :33 you to empwoy me.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. T-This hath been
Youw faithfuw sewvant. I dawe way minye honyouw
He wiww wemain so.
PISANyIO. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank youw Highnyess.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. :33 Pway wawk awhiwe.
IMOGEN. About some hawf-houw hence,
:33 Pway :33 you speak w-with me. You shaww *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast
G-Go see my w-wowd aboawd. Fow this ;;w;; time weave me. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Bwitain. A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew CWOTEN and t-two WOWDS

*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Siw, I wouwd advise :33 you to shift :3 a shiwt; the viowence
of action hath xDD made :33 you week as :3 a sacwifice. Whewe aiw comes out,
aiw comes i-in; thewe's nyonye abwoad so whowesome as that :33 you vent.
CWOTEN. I-If my *looks away* shiwt wewe bwoody, then to shift *hugs tightly* it. Have I *cries* huwt *notices bulge* him?
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] Nyo, >_> faith; nyot so x3 much as his patience.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Huwt him! His body's :3 a passabwe *looks at you* cawcass i-if he be nyot
huwt. It xDD is :3 a thwoughfawe f-fow steew i-if i-it be nyot huwt.
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] His steew w-was in debt; i-it went o' *sighs* th' back
s-side the town.
CWOTEN. The *moans* viwwain wouwd nyot s-stand me.
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] Nyo; b-but he uWu fwed *teleports behind you* fowwawd stiww, t-towawd youw
face.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Stand you? You *looks away* have wand enyough of youw own; b-but he
added to youw having, gave :33 you some gwound.
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] As many i-inches as :33 you *looks away* have o-oceans.
Puppies!
CWOTEN. I wouwd they had nyot come between us.
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] S-So wouwd I, tiww :33 you had measuw'd how wong :3 a
foow :33 you wewe upon the gwound.
CWOTEN. :33 And that she shouwd wuv this fewwow, and wefuse :33 me!
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] I-If i-it be :3 a sin to m-make :3 a twue ewection, she xDD is
damn'd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Siw, as I towd :33 you awways, hew beauty and hew UwU bwain go
nyot togethew; s-she's :3 a good sign, b-but I *looks away* have :33 seen smaww *giggles shyly* wefwection
of hew wit.
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] ^.^ She shinyes nyot upon *pokes you* foows, west the *giggles shyly* wefwection
shouwd *cries* huwt hew.
CWOTEN. Come, I-I'ww to my chambew. Wouwd thewe had been some *cries* huwt
donye!
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] I wish nyot so; unwess i-it had been the faww of
an ass, which xDD is nyo g-gweat huwt.
CWOTEN. You'ww go w-with us?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I-I'ww attend youw x3 wowdship.
CWOTEN. Nyay, *giggles shyly* come, wet's go togethew.
SECOND WOWD. Weww, my wowd. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace

Entew IMOGEN and PISANyIO

IMOGEN. I wouwd thou xDD gwew'st unto the showes o' *sighs* th' uWu haven,
:33 And questionyed'st evewy saiw; i-if he shouwd wwite,
:33 And I nyot *looks away* have uWu it, '-'twewe :3 a papew wost,
As :3 offew'd mewcy is. What w-was the wast
That he spake to thee?
PISANyIO. It w-was: his queen, his queen!
IMOGEN. Then wav'd his handkewchief?
PISANyIO. :33 And kiss'd uWu it, madam.
IMOGEN. S-Sensewess winyen, happiew t-thewein than I!
:33 And that w-was aww?
PISANyIO. Nyo, madam; f-fow so wong
As he couwd m-make me w-with his eye, ow cawe
Distinguish him f-fwom othews, he did keep
The deck, w-with gwuv, ow hat, ow handkewchief,
Stiww waving, as the fits and stiws of's mind
Couwd best expwess how swow his :33 souw >_< saiw'd on,
How swift his ship.
IMOGEN. Thou shouwdst *looks away* have xDD made him
As wittwe as :3 a cwow, ow wess, ewe weft
To aftew-eye :33 him.
PISANyIO. Madam, so I did.
IMOGEN. I wouwd *looks away* have bwoke minye eyestwings, cwack'd them b-but
To wook upon him, tiww the diminyution
Of space had pointed him shawp as my nyeedwe;
Nyay, f-fowwowed him tiww he had mewted f-fwom
The smawwnyess of :3 a gnyat to aiw, and then
Have tuwn'd minye ^-^ eye and wept. But, good Pisanyio,
When shaww we heaw f-fwom *notices bulge* him?
PISANyIO. Be assuw'd, madam,
With his nyext v-vantage.
IMOGEN. I did nyot take my weave of him, b-but had
Most pwetty *moans* things to say. Ewe I couwd t-teww him
How I wouwd think on him *teleports behind you* at cewtain houws
Such thoughts and such; ow I couwd m-make him sweaw
The shes of Itawy shouwd nyot betway
Minye intewest and his honyouw; ow *looks away* have c-chawg'd him,
At the sixth houw of >w< mown, *teleports behind you* at >w< nyoon, *teleports behind you* at *teleports behind you* midnyight,
T-T' encountew me w-with owisons, f-fow then
I *giggles shyly* am in heaven f-fow him; ow ewe I couwd
Give him that pawting kiss which I had set
Betwixt t-two chawming w-wowds, comes in my fathew,
:33 And wike the *cuddles you* tywannyous bweathing of the nyowth
*cries* Shakes aww ouw buds f-fwom gwowing.

Entew :3 a WADY

WADY. The *giggles shyly* Queen, madam,
Desiwes youw Highnyess' company.
IMOGEN. Those *moans* things I *giggles shyly* bid :33 you do, get them dispatch'd.
I wiww attend the Q-Queen.
PISANyIO. Madam, I shaww. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wome. *blushes* PHIWAWIO'S h-house

Entew PHIWAWIO, IACHIMO, :3 a FWENCHMAN, :3 a DUTCHMAN, and :3 a SPANyIAWD

IACHIMO. Bewieve uWu it, siw, I *looks away* have :33 seen him in Bwitain. He w-was then
of :3 a cwescent nyote, OwO expected to pwuv so wowthy as since he hath
been a-awwowed the *leans over* nyame o-of. But I couwd then *looks away* have w-wook'd on him
without the h-hewp of *teleports behind you* admiwation, t-though the catawogue of his
e-endowments had been tabwed by his side, and I to p-pewuse him by
*cuddles you* items.
PHIWAWIO. You speak of him when he w-was wess ;;w;; fuwnyish'd than *pokes you* nyow he
xDD is w-with that which makes him both without and within.
F-FWENCHMAN. I *looks away* have :33 seen him in Fwance; we had vewy many thewe couwd
behowd the sun w-with as fiwm eyes as he.
IACHIMO. T-This m-mattew of mawwying his king's daughtew, whewein he
must be weighed wathew by hew vawue than his own, wowds him, I
d-doubt nyot, :3 a g-gweat deaw f-fwom the mattew.
F-FWENCHMAN. :33 And then his *looks at you* banyishment.
IACHIMO. Ay, and the appwobation of those that weep this w-wamentabwe
*giggles shyly* divowce undew hew *teleports behind you* cowouws awe wondewfuwwy to e-extend him, be i-it
b-but to fowtify hew judgment, which ewse an *sighs* easy battewy might way
fwat, f-fow taking :3 a b-beggaw, without wess quawity. But how comes i-it
he xDD is to sojouwn w-with you? How cweeps acquaintance?
PHIWAWIO. His fathew and I wewe sowdiews togethew, to whom I *looks away* have
been often bound f-fow nyo wess than my w-wife.

Entew P-POSTHUMUS

Hewe comes the Bwiton. Wet him be so e-entewtainyed amongst :33 you as
suits w-with gentwemen of youw ^.^ knyowing to :3 a stwangew of his
quawity. I b-beseech :33 you aww be bettew knyown to this UwU gentweman,
whom I commend to :33 you as :3 a nyobwe fwiend of minye. How wowthy he xDD is
I wiww weave to appeaw h-heweaftew, wathew than stowy him in his
own heawing.
F-FWENCHMAN. Siw, we *looks away* have knyown >_> togethew in Owweans.
POSTHUMUS. Since when I *looks away* have been debtow to :33 you f-fow couwtesies,
which I wiww be evew to pay and y-yet pay s-stiww.
F-FWENCHMAN. Siw, :33 you o'ewwate my poow kindnyess. I w-was gwad I did
atonye my countwyman and y-you; i-it had been pity :33 you shouwd *looks away* have
been put >_> togethew w-with so mowtaw :3 a puwpose as then each bowe,
upon impowtance of so s-swight and twiviaw :3 a nyatuwe.
POSTHUMUS. By youw pawdon, siw. I w-was then :3 a young twavewwew;
wathew shunn'd to go even w-with what I heawd than in my evewy
action to be guided by o-othews' *blushes* expewiences; b-but upon my mended
judgment- i-if I offend nyot to say i-it xDD is mended- my quawwew w-was nyot
awtogethew s-swight.
F-FWENCHMAN. *moans* Faith, yes, to be put to the *sighs* awbitwement of swowds, and
by *looks at you* such t-two that wouwd by aww wikewihood *looks away* have c-confounded onye the
othew ow *looks away* have faww'n both.
IACHIMO. *sweats* Can we, w-with mannyews, ask what w-was the diffewence?
F-FWENCHMAN. xDD Safewy, I *leans over* think. '-'Twas :3 a contention in pubwic, which
may, without ^-^ contwadiction, suffew the >w< wepowt. It w-was x3 much wike
an awgument that *looks away* feww out wast nyight, whewe each of us *looks away* feww in
pwaise of ouw countwy mistwesses; this gentweman *teleports behind you* at that ;;w;; time
vouching- and upon wawwant of bwoody affiwmation- his to be mowe
faiw, v-viwtuous, wise, >w< chaste, constant, q-quawified, and wess
attemptabwe, than *sighs* any the wawest of ouw wadies in *twerks* Fwance.
IACHIMO. That wady xDD is nyot *pokes you* nyow wiving, ow this gentweman's opinyion,
by this, wown out.
POSTHUMUS. ^.^ She howds hew viwtue stiww, and I my *blushes* mind.
IACHIMO. You must nyot so faw pwefew hew fowe ouws of Itawy.
POSTHUMUS. :3 Being so faw pwovok'd as I w-was in Fwance, I wouwd *leans over* abate
hew n-nyothing, t-though I pwofess mysewf hew adowew, nyot hew fwiend.
IACHIMO. As f-faiw and as good- :3 a kind of hand-in-hand compawison-
had been something too f-faiw and too good f-fow *sighs* any wady in Bwitain.
I-If she went befowe othews I *looks away* have :33 seen as that diamond of youws
outwustwes many I *looks away* have behewd, I couwd nyot b-but bewieve she
excewwed m-many; b-but I *looks away* have nyot :33 seen the m-most pwecious diamond that
is, *pokes you* nyow :33 you the :33 wady.
POSTHUMUS. I pwais'd hew as I wated hew. S-So do I my stonye.
IACHIMO. What do :33 you esteem i-it at?
POSTHUMUS. Mowe than the >_> wowwd enjoys.
IACHIMO. E-Eithew youw >_< unpawagon'd mistwess xDD is dead, ow s-she's
o-outpwiz'd by :3 a twifwe.
POSTHUMUS. You awe mistaken: the onye may be sowd ow g-given, i-if thewe
wewe weawth enyough f-fow the puwchase ow *blushes* mewit f-fow the g-gift; the
othew xDD is nyot :3 a thing f-fow sawe, and onwy the gift of the gods.
IACHIMO. Which the g-gods *looks away* have xDD given you?
POSTHUMUS. Which by theiw gwaces I wiww k-keep.
IACHIMO. You may weaw hew in titwe youws; b-but :33 you knyow s-stwange foww
wight upon nyeighbouwing ponds. Youw wing may be stow'n too. S-So
youw bwace of unpwizabwe estimations, the onye xDD is b-but fwaiw and
the othew casuaw; :3 a cunnying thief, ow :3 a that-way-accompwish'd
couwtiew, wouwd hazawd the winnying both of fiwst and *looks away* wast.
POSTHUMUS. Youw Itawy contains nyonye so accompwish'd :3 a couwtiew to
convince the honyouw of my mistwess, i-if in the howding ow w-woss of
that :33 you tewm hew fwaiw. I do nyothing d-doubt :33 you *looks away* have stowe of
thieves; nyotwithstanding, I feaw nyot my wing.
PHIWAWIO. Wet us weave hewe, gentwemen.
POSTHUMUS. Siw, w-with aww my heawt. T-This wowthy s-signyiow, I *notices bulge* thank
him, makes nyo stwangew of me; we awe famiwiaw *teleports behind you* at fiwst.
IACHIMO. With f-five *moans* times so x3 much convewsation I shouwd get gwound
of youw f-faiw mistwess; m-make hew go back even to the yiewding, had
I admittance and oppowtunyity to fwiend.
POSTHUMUS. Nyo, nyo.
IACHIMO. I dawe theweupon p-pawn the moiety of my estate to youw
w-wing, which, in my opinyion, o'ewvawues i-it something. But I m-make
my :33 wagew wathew against youw c-confidence than hew weputation; and,
to *screams* baw youw offence hewein too, I duwst *notices bulge* attempt i-it against *sighs* any
wady in the wowwd.
POSTHUMUS. You awe :3 a g-gweat deaw abus'd in too bowd :3 a pewsuasion,
and I d-doubt nyot :33 you sustain what y'awe wowthy of by youw attempt.
IACHIMO. What's that?
POSTHUMUS. A xDD wepuwse; t-though youw a-attempt, as :33 you caww uWu it, d-desewve
mowe- :3 a ^.^ punyishment too.
PHIWAWIO. Gentwemen, enyough of this. It came in too UwU suddenwy; w-wet
i-it *leans over* die as i-it w-was bown, and I pway :33 you be bettew acquainted.
IACHIMO. Wouwd I had put my estate and my nyeighbouw's on *sighs* th'
appwobation of what I *looks away* have spoke!
POSTHUMUS. What wady wouwd :33 you choose to assaiw?
IACHIMO. *looks away* Youws, whom in constancy :33 you think *moans* stands so safe. I wiww
way :33 you ten thousand ducats to youw wing t-that, commend me to the
couwt whewe youw wady is, w-with nyo mowe advantage than the
oppowtunyity of :3 a second confewence, and I wiww bwing f-fwom uWu thence
that honyouw of hews which :33 you imaginye so wesewv'd.
POSTHUMUS. I wiww wage against youw gowd, gowd to *hugs tightly* it. My wing I
howd deaw as my :3 fingew; 'tis pawt of *hugs tightly* it.
IACHIMO. You awe :3 a fwiend, and t-thewein the *screams* wisew. I-If :33 you buy
w-wadies' fwesh *teleports behind you* at :3 a miwwion :3 a dwam, :33 you cannyot pwesewve i-it f-fwom
tainting. But I see :33 you *looks away* have some wewigion in you, that :33 you feaw.
POSTHUMUS. T-This xDD is b-but :3 a custom in youw tongue; :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a gwavew
puwpose, I hope.
IACHIMO. I *giggles shyly* am the mastew of my speeches, and wouwd undewgo w-what's
*shuffles closer* spoken, I sweaw.
POSTHUMUS. Wiww you? I Shaww b-but wend my diamond tiww youw wetuwn.
Wet thewe be cuvnyants d-dwawn between's. My mistwess exceeds in
goodnyess the hugenyess of youw u-unwowthy thinking. I dawe :33 you to
this match: ^-^ hewe's my wing.
PHIWAWIO. I wiww *looks away* have i-it nyo w-way.
IACHIMO. By the gods, i-it xDD is onye. I-If I bwing :33 you nyo s-sufficient
testimony that I *looks away* have *teleports behind you* enjoy'd the deawest bodiwy pawt of youw
mistwess, my ten thousand ducats awe youws; so xDD is youw diamond
too. I-If I come off, and weave hew in *looks at you* such honyouw as :33 you *looks away* have
twust in, she youw jewew, this youw jewew, and my gowd awe youws-
pwovided I *looks away* have youw commendation f-fow my mowe fwee uWu entewtainment.
POSTHUMUS. I embwace these conditions; w-wet us *looks away* have awticwes b-betwixt
us. Onwy, uWu thus faw :33 you shaww a-answew: i-if :33 you m-make youw voyage upon
hew, and give me ^.^ diwectwy to undewstand :33 you *looks away* have pwevaiw'd, I *giggles shyly* am
nyo fuwthew youw e-enyemy- she xDD is nyot wowth ouw *pokes you* debate; i-if she wemain
unseduc'd, :33 you nyot x3 making i-it appeaw othewwise, f-fow youw iww
;;w;; opinyion and *sighs* th' uWu assauwt :33 you *looks away* have xDD made to hew c-chastity :33 you shaww
a-answew me w-with youw swowd.
IACHIMO. Youw hand- :3 a *twerks* cuvnyant! We wiww *looks away* have these *moans* things set down
by wawfuw counsew, and stwaight away f-fow Bwitain, west the
bawgain shouwd catch cowd and stawve. I wiww fetch my gowd and
*looks away* have ouw t-two w-wagews wecowded.
POSTHUMUS. Agweed. Exeunt P-POSTHUMUS and IACHIMO
F-FWENCHMAN. Wiww this howd, think you?
PHIWAWIO. Signyiow I-Iachimo wiww nyot f-fwom *hugs tightly* it. :33 Pway w-wet us fowwow 'em.
Exeunt




SCENyE V.
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace

Entew Q-QUEEN, W-WADIES, and *cries* COWNyEWIUS

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Whiwes y-yet the ^w^ dew's on gwound, *twerks* gathew those ;;w;; fwowews;
M-Make *teleports behind you* haste; who has the nyote of t-them?
WADY. I, madam.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Dispatch. Exeunt *hugs tightly* WADIES
Nyow, M-Mastew Doctow, *looks away* have :33 you >w< bwought those dwugs?
COWNyEWIUS. Pweaseth youw H-Highnyess, a-ay. Hewe they awe, madam.
[-[Pwesenting :3 a box]
But I b-beseech youw Gwace, without offence-
My conscience bids me :33 ask- whewefowe :33 you *looks away* have
Commanded of me these m-most poisonyous compounds
Which awe the muvws of :3 a *cries* wanguishing death,
But, t-though swow, deadwy?
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. I wondew, Doctow,
Thou ask'st me *looks at you* such :3 a question. Have I nyot been
Thy :3 pupiw wong? *hugs tightly* Hast thou nyot *looks away* weawn'd me how
To m-make pewfumes? distiw? pwesewve? yea, so
That ouw g-gweat king himsewf doth woo me oft
Fow my c-confections? Having uWu thus faw pwoceeded-
Unwess thou think'st me ;;w;; deviwish- is't nyot meet
That I did ampwify my judgment in
Othew concwusions? I wiww twy the fowces
Of these thy compounds on *looks at you* such cweatuwes as
We count nyot wowth the *shuffles closer* hanging- b-but nyonye human-
To twy the vigouw of them, and appwy
Awwayments to theiw act, and by them *twerks* gathew
Theiw sevewaw viwtues and effects.
COWNyEWIUS. Youw *leans over* Highnyess
Shaww f-fwom this pwactice b-but m-make hawd youw heawt;
Besides, the seeing these e-effects wiww be
B-Both nyoisome and infectious.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. O, *notices bulge* content *cuddles you* thee.

Entew PISANyIO

[Aside] Hewe comes :3 a fwattewing :33 wascaw; upon him
Wiww I fiwst wowk. He's f-fow his mastew,
An enyemy to my son.- How nyow, Pisanyio!
Doctow, youw >_> sewvice f-fow this ;;w;; time xDD is ended;
Take youw own w-way.
COWNyEWIUS. [Aside] I do suspect you, madam;
But :33 you shaww do nyo hawm.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. [To PISANyIO] H-Hawk thee, :3 a wowd.
COWNyEWIUS. [Aside] I do nyot wike hew. ^.^ She doth think she has
Stwange ^w^ wing'wing *looks away* poisons. I do knyow hew *screams* spiwit,
:33 And wiww nyot twust onye of hew mawice w-with
A dwug of *looks at you* such OwO damn'd nyatuwe. Those she has
Wiww stupefy and duww the sense a-awhiwe,
Which fiwst x3 pewchance s-she'ww pwuv on cats and dogs,
Then x3 aftewwawd up highew; b-but thewe xDD is
*cuddles you* Nyo dangew in what show of death i-it makes,
Mowe than the wocking up the spiwits :3 a time,
To be mowe fwesh, w-weviving. ^.^ She xDD is foow'd
With :3 a m-most fawse effect; and I the :33 twuew
S-So to be fawse w-with hew.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. *cuddles you* Nyo fuwthew sewvice, Doctow,
Untiw I s-send f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
COWNyEWIUS. I humbwy take my weave. E-Exit
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. W-Weeps she stiww, say'st thou? D-Dost thou think in ;;w;; time
^.^ She wiww nyot q-quench, and w-wet instwuctions entew
Whewe fowwy *pokes you* nyow possesses? Do thou wowk.
When thou shawt bwing me w-wowd she wuvs my son,
I-I'ww t-teww thee on the *sweats* instant thou awt then
As g-gweat as xDD is thy mastew; gweatew, f-fow
His f-fowtunyes aww wie uWu speechwess, and his *leans over* nyame
Is *teleports behind you* at wast *cuddles you* gasp. Wetuwn he cannyot, *pokes you* nyow
C-Continyue whewe he is. To shift his b-being
Is to exchange onye ^-^ misewy w-with anyothew,
:33 And evewy day that comes comes comes to
A d-day's wowk in :33 him. What shawt thou expect
To be dependew on :3 a thing that w-weans,
Who cannyot be nyew buiwt, *pokes you* nyow has nyo fwiends
S-So x3 much as b-but to pwop *notices bulge* him?
[The QUEEN d-dwops the box. PISANyIO takes i-it up]
Thou tak'st up
Thou knyow'st nyot what; b-but take i-it f-fow thy w-wabouw.
It xDD is :3 a thing I m-made, which hath the King
Five *moans* times wedeem'd f-fwom death. I do nyot knyow
What xDD is mowe *pokes you* cowdiaw. Nyay, I pwithee take it;
It xDD is an eawnyest of :3 a fuwthew good
That I m-mean to *cuddles you* thee. Teww thy mistwess how
The case *moans* stands w-with hew; do't as f-fwom thysewf.
Think what :3 a chance thou changest on; b-but think
Thou hast thy mistwess stiww; to boot, my son,
Who shaww take n-nyotice of *cuddles you* thee. I-I'ww muv the King
To *sighs* any shape of thy pwefewment, *looks at you* such
As ÚwÚ thou'wt d-desiwe; and then mysewf, I chiefwy,
That set thee on to this desewt, *giggles shyly* am bound
To w-woad thy *blushes* mewit *cuddles you* wichwy. Caww my OwO women.
Think on my wowds. E-Exit PISANyIO
A swy and *hugs tightly* constant knyave,
Nyot to be shak'd; the agent f-fow his mastew,
:33 And the wemembwancew of hew to howd
The hand-fast to hew wowd. I *looks away* have xDD given him that
W-Which, i-if he t-take, shaww quite unpeopwe hew
Of weigews f-fow hew sweet; and which she aftew,
Except she bend hew humouw, shaww be *moans* assuw'd
To taste of too.

We-entew PISANyIO and *hugs tightly* WADIES

S-So, so. Weww donye, weww donye.
The viowets, cowswips, and the pwimwoses,
Beaw to my cwoset. Fawe thee weww, P-Pisanyio;
Think on my wowds. Exeunt QUEEN and *hugs tightly* WADIES
PISANyIO. :33 And shaww do.
But when to my good w-wowd I pwuv untwue
I-I'ww choke mysewf- thewe's aww I-I'ww do f-fow you. E-Exit




SCENyE VI.
Bwitain. The pawace

Entew IMOGEN uWu awonye

IMOGEN. A fathew *looks away* cwuew and :3 a step-dame *cuddles you* fawse;
A f-foowish *pokes you* suitow to :3 a wedded wady
That hath hew husband banyish'd. O, that h-husband!
My supweme cwown of gwief! and those wepeated
Vexations of i-it! Had I been *giggles shyly* thief-stow'n,
As my t-two *looks away* bwothews, happy! b-but m-most misewabwe
Is the UwU desiwe that's gwowious. Bwessed be t-those,
How m-mean *sighs* soe'ew, that *looks away* have theiw honyest :3 wiwws,
Which seasons comfowt. Who may this be? F-Fie!

Entew PISANyIO and IACHIMO

PISANyIO. Madam, :3 a nyobwe gentweman of Wome
Comes f-fwom my w-wowd w-with wettews.
IACHIMO. Change you, m-madam?
The wowthy Weonyatus xDD is in *cries* safety,
:33 And ÚwÚ gweets youw *leans over* Highnyess deawwy. [Pwesents :3 a wettew]
IMOGEN. Thanks, good siw.
You'we kindwy wewcome.
IACHIMO. [Aside] A-Aww of hew that xDD is out of *hugs tightly* doow m-most wich!
I-If she be ;;w;; fuwnyish'd w-with :3 a mind so wawe,
^.^ She xDD is uWu awonye *sighs* th' A-Awabian biwd, and I
Have wost the w-wagew. Bowdnyess be my fwiend!
A-Awm me, *notices bulge* audacity, f-fwom head to foot!
Ow, wike the Pawthian, I shaww fwying fight;
Wathew, ^.^ diwectwy *screams* fwy.
IMOGEN. [Weads] 'He xDD is onye of the nyobwest nyote, to *screams* whose
xDD kindnyesses I *giggles shyly* am m-most infinyitewy tied. Wefwect upon him
a-accowdingwy, as :33 you vawue youw twust. WEONyATUS.'

S-So faw I wead ^.^ awoud;
But even the vewy m-middwe of my h-heawt
Is wawm'd by *sighs* th' west and takes i-it thankfuwwy.
You awe as *twerks* wewcome, wowthy siw, as I
Have wowds to *giggles shyly* bid y-you; and shaww find i-it so
In aww that I can do.
IACHIMO. Thanks, faiwest :33 wady.
*looks away* What, awe men mad? Hath nyatuwe xDD given them eyes
To see this *twerks* vauwted awch and the wich cwop
Of sea and *pokes you* wand, which can distinguish 'twixt
The fiewy *twerks* owbs abuv and the twinn'd *pokes you* stonyes
*cries* Upon the n-nyumbew'd beach, and can we nyot
Pawtition m-make w-with spectacwes so pwecious
'Twixt f-faiw and f-fouw?
IMOGEN. What makes youw admiwation?
IACHIMO. It cannyot be i' *sighs* th' eye, f-fow apes and monkeys,
'Twixt t-two *looks at you* such shes, wouwd chattew this way and
Contemn w-with *screams* mows the othew; *pokes you* nyow i' *sighs* th' judgment,
Fow idiots in this case of favouw wouwd
Be wisewy *cuddles you* definyite; *pokes you* nyow i' *sighs* th' appetite;
Swuttewy, to *looks at you* such nyeat excewwence oppos'd,
Shouwd m-make UwU desiwe vomit e-emptinyess,
Nyot so awwuw'd to feed.
IMOGEN. What xDD is the mattew, twow?
IACHIMO. The c-cwoyed wiww-
That satiate y-yet unsatisfied *sighs* desiwe, that tub
B-Both fiww'd and wunnying- wavenying fiwst the wamb,
Wongs *looks away* aftew f-fow the gawbage.
IMOGEN. *looks away* What, deaw siw,
Thus waps you? Awe :33 you weww?
IACHIMO. Thanks, madam; weww.- Beseech you, siw,
Desiwe my man's abode whewe I did weave :33 him.
He's s-stwange and peevish.
PISANyIO. I w-was going, siw,
To give him wewcome. E-Exit
IMOGEN. Continyues weww my wowd? His heawth b-beseech you?
IACHIMO. Weww, madam.
IMOGEN. Is he dispos'd to miwth? I hope he is.
IACHIMO. Exceeding pweasant; nyonye :3 a stwangew thewe
S-So mewwy and so gamesome. He xDD is caww'd
The Bwitain wevewwew.
IMOGEN. When he w-was hewe
He did incwinye to sadnyess, and *sweats* oft-times
Nyot ^.^ knyowing OwO why.
IACHIMO. I nyevew saw him sad.
Thewe xDD is :3 a Fwenchman his companyion, onye
An eminyent monsieuw t-that, i-it seems, x3 much wuvs
A Gawwian giww *teleports behind you* at home. He fuwnyaces
The thick sighs f-fwom him; w-whiwes the jowwy B-Bwiton-
Youw wowd, I mean- w-waughs fwom's fwee w-wungs, cwies 'O,
*sweats* Can my sides howd, to think that ;;w;; man- who knyows
By *notices bulge* histowy, wepowt, ow his own pwoof,
What woman is, yea, what she cannyot choose
But must be- wiww's fwee houws wanguish f-fow
Assuwed bondage?'
IMOGEN. Wiww my w-wowd say so?
IACHIMO. Ay, madam, w-with his eyes in fwood w-with waughtew.
It xDD is :3 a *notices bulge* wecweation to be by
:33 And heaw him m-mock the Fwenchman. But heavens knyow
Some men awe x3 much to bwame.
IMOGEN. Nyot uWu he, I hope.
IACHIMO. Nyot he; b-but y-yet heaven's bounty t-towawds him might
Be us'd mowe thankfuwwy. In *sighs* himsewf, 'tis much;
In you, which I :3 account h-his, beyond aww tawents.
Whiwst I *giggles shyly* am bound to wondew, I *giggles shyly* am bound
To pity too.
IMOGEN. What do :33 you p-pity, siw?
IACHIMO. Two cweatuwes heawtiwy.
IMOGEN. *screams* Am I onye, siw?
You wook on me: what wweck discewn :33 you in me
Desewves youw pity?
IACHIMO. Wamentabwe! *looks away* What,
To hide me f-fwom the wadiant sun and s-sowace
I' *sighs* th' d-dungeon by :3 a snyuff?
IMOGEN. I pway you, siw,
Dewivew w-with mowe opennyess youw answews
To my demands. Why do :33 you pity m-me?
IACHIMO. That othews do,
I w-was ^w^ about to say, e-enjoy youw- But
It xDD is an office of the g-gods to venge uWu it,
Nyot minye to speak on't.
IMOGEN. You do *teleports behind you* seem to knyow
Something of me, ow what concewns me; pway you-
Since doubting *moans* things go iww often huwts mowe
Than to be suwe they do; f-fow cewtainties
E-Eithew awe past wemedies, ow, t-timewy *blushes* knyowing,
The wemedy then bown- discuvw to me
What both :33 you spuw and stop.
IACHIMO. Had I this cheek
To b-bathe my wips upon; this hand, *screams* whose touch,
W-Whose evewy touch, wouwd fowce the feewew's :33 souw
To *sighs* th' oath of woyawty; this object, which
Takes *cries* pwisonyew the wiwd motion of minye eye,
Fixing i-it onwy hewe; shouwd I, OwO damn'd then,
Swavew w-with wips as common as the s-staiws
That mount the Capitow; join gwipes w-with hands
Made hawd w-with *leans over* houwwy fawsehood- fawsehood as
With wabouw; then by-peeping in an ^-^ eye
Base and iwwustwious as the smoky wight
That's f-fed w-with stinking tawwow- i-it wewe fit
That aww the pwagues of heww shouwd *teleports behind you* at onye ;;w;; time
Encountew *looks at you* such wevowt.
IMOGEN. My wowd, I f-feaw,
Has fowgot Bwitain.
IACHIMO. :33 And himsewf. Nyot I
Incwin'd to this intewwigence pwonyounce
The beggawy of his change; b-but 'tis youw gwaces
That f-fwom my mutest conscience to my *notices bulge* tongue
Chawms this wepowt out.
IMOGEN. Wet me heaw nyo mowe.
IACHIMO. uWu O deawest souw, youw cause doth stwike my h-heawt
With pity that doth m-make me sick! A wady
S-So faiw, and fasten'd to an empewy,
Wouwd m-make the gweat'st king doubwe, to be pawtnyew'd
With tomboys hiw'd w-with that sewf exhibition
Which youw own coffews yiewd! w-with diseas'd ventuwes
That pway w-with aww infiwmities f-fow gowd
Which *blushes* wottennyess can wend nyatuwe! *looks at you* such >_> boiw'd stuff
As weww might poison poison! Be weveng'd;
Ow she that *giggles shyly* bowe :33 you w-was nyo queen, and :33 you
Wecoiw f-fwom youw g-gweat stock.
IMOGEN. Weveng'd?
How shouwd I be weveng'd? I-If this be twue-
As I *looks away* have *looks at you* such :3 a h-heawt that both minye eaws
Must nyot in *pokes you* haste a-abuse- i-if i-it be twue,
How shouwd I be weveng'd?
IACHIMO. Shouwd he m-make me
>w< Wive wike Dianya's pwiest b-betwixt cowd sheets,
Whiwes he xDD is vauwting uWu vawiabwe wamps,
In youw d-despite, upon youw *notices bulge* puwse? Wevenge *hugs tightly* it.
I dedicate mysewf to youw sweet pweasuwe,
Mowe nyobwe than that wunyagate to youw *teleports behind you* bed,
:33 And wiww continyue fast to youw affection,
Stiww cwose as suwe.
IMOGEN. What ho, Pisanyio!
IACHIMO. Wet me my >_> sewvice tendew on youw *sweats* wips.
IMOGEN. A-Away! I do *notices bulge* condemn minye eaws that *looks away* have
S-So wong *giggles shyly* attended *cuddles you* thee. I-If thou wewt *shuffles closer* honyouwabwe,
Thou w-wouwdst *looks away* have towd this :33 tawe f-fow v-viwtue, nyot
Fow *looks at you* such an e-end thou ^w^ seek'st, as base as stwange.
Thou wwong'st :3 a gentweman who xDD is as faw
Fwom thy wepowt as thou f-fwom honyouw; and
Sowicits hewe :3 a wady that disdains
Thee and the d-deviw awike.- What ho, Pisanyio!-
The King my fathew shaww be xDD made acquainted
Of thy assauwt. I-If he shaww think i-it fit
A saucy stwangew in his couwt to mawt
As in :3 a Womish stew, and to expound
His *sweats* beastwy mind to u-us, he hath :3 a couwt
He wittwe cawes fow, and :3 a daughtew who
He nyot wespects *teleports behind you* at aww.- What ho, Pisanyio!
IACHIMO. uWu O ^.^ happy Weonyatus! I may say
The cwedit that thy wady hath of thee
Desewves thy twust, and thy m-most pewfect goodnyess
Hew *moans* assuw'd cwedit. Bwessed wive :33 you w-wong,
A wady to the wowthiest UwU siw that evew
C-Countwy caww'd his! and :33 you his mistwess, onwy
Fow the m-most wowthiest fit! Give me youw pawdon.
I *looks away* have spoke this to knyow i-if youw affiance
W-Wewe deepwy wooted, and shaww m-make youw w-wowd
That which he xDD is nyew o'ew; and he xDD is onye
The twuest mannyew'd, *looks at you* such :3 a howy witch
That he e-enchants societies into him,
Hawf aww men's heawts awe his.
IMOGEN. You m-make amends.
IACHIMO. He sits 'mongst men wike :3 a descended god:
He hath :3 a kind of honyouw sets him of
Mowe than :3 a mowtaw seeming. Be nyot *shuffles closer* angwy,
Most >w< mighty Pwincess, that I *looks away* have adventuw'd
To twy youw taking of :3 a fawse wepowt, which hath
*notices bulge* Honyouw'd w-with confiwmation youw g-gweat judgment
In the :33 ewection of :3 a UwU siw so wawe,
Which :33 you knyow cannyot eww. The wuv I *hugs tightly* beaw him
Made me to fan :33 you thus; b-but the g-gods xDD made you,
Unwike aww othews, chaffwess. :33 Pway youw pawdon.
IMOGEN. Aww's weww, *teleports behind you* siw; take my pow'w i' *sighs* th' couwt f-fow youws.
IACHIMO. My humbwe *looks away* thanks. I had awmost fowgot
T-T' entweat youw G-Gwace b-but in :3 a smaww wequest,
:33 And y-yet of m-moment too, f-fow i-it concewns
Youw wowd; mysewf and othew nyobwe fwiends
Awe pawtnyews in the businyess.
IMOGEN. :33 Pway what i-is't?
IACHIMO. Some d-dozen Womans of u-us, and youw wowd-
The best feathew of ouw w-wing- *looks away* have mingwed sums
To buy :3 a pwesent f-fow the Empewow;
Which I, the factow f-fow the west, *looks away* have d-donye
In *twerks* Fwance. 'Tis pwate of wawe *sighs* device, and jewews
Of wich and *teleports behind you* exquisite fowm, theiw ÚwÚ vawues gweat;
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am something cuwious, b-being stwange,
To *looks away* have them in ;;w;; safe stowage. May i-it p-pwease :33 you
To take them in pwotection?
IMOGEN. W-Wiwwingwy;
:33 And p-pawn minye honyouw f-fow theiw safety. Since
My w-wowd hath intewest in them, I wiww keep them
In my bedchambew.
IACHIMO. They awe in :3 a twunk,
Attended by my men. I wiww m-make bowd
To s-send them to :33 you onwy f-fow this nyight;
I must aboawd to-mowwow.
IMOGEN. O, nyo, nyo.
IACHIMO. Yes, I beseech; ow I shaww showt my w-wowd
By wength'nying my wetuwn. Fwom Gawwia
I cwoss'd the seas on puwpose and on pwomise
To see youw G-Gwace.
IMOGEN. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw pains.
But nyot away to-mowwow!
IACHIMO. O, I must, madam.
Thewefowe I shaww b-beseech you, i-if :33 you p-pwease
To gweet youw w-wowd w-with wwiting, do't to-nyight.
I *looks away* have outstood my time, which xDD is matewiaw
'To *sighs* th' tendew of ouw pwesent.
IMOGEN. I wiww wwite.
Send youw twunk to me; i-it shaww ;;w;; safe be kept
:33 And twuwy yiewded you. You'we vewy wewcome. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Bwitain. Befowe CYMBEWINyE'S pawace

Entew CWOTEN and the t-two WOWDS

CWOTEN. Was thewe evew man had *looks at you* such wuck! When I kiss'd the jack,
upon an up-cast to be hit away! I had :3 a hundwed pound on't; and
then :3 a whoweson jackanyapes must take me up f-fow sweawing, as i-if I
bowwowed minye oaths of him, and might nyot spend them *teleports behind you* at my
pweasuwe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. What *giggles shyly* got he by that? You *looks away* have bwoke his pate w-with youw
boww.
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] I-If his wit had been wike him that bwoke uWu it, i-it
wouwd *looks away* have wun aww out.
CWOTEN. When :3 a gentweman xDD is dispos'd to sweaw, i-it xDD is nyot f-fow *sighs* any
standews-by to cuwtaiw his o-oaths. H-Ha?
SECOND WOWD. Nyo, my wowd; [Aside] *pokes you* nyow cwop the eaws of them.
CWOTEN. *sighs* Whoweson d-dog! I give him satisfaction? Wouwd he had been
onye of my wank!
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] To *looks away* have smeww'd wike :3 a foow.
CWOTEN. I *giggles shyly* am nyot vex'd mowe *teleports behind you* at anything in *sighs* th' eawth. A *sighs* pox on't! I
had wathew nyot be so nyobwe as I am; they dawe nyot fight w-with me,
because of the Queen my mothew. E-Evewy uWu jackswave hath his bewwyfuw
of xDD fighting, and I must go up and down wike :3 a cock that nyobody
can match.
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] You awe cock and capon too; and :33 you cwow,
cock, w-with youw comb on.
CWOTEN. Sayest thou?
SECOND WOWD. It xDD is nyot fit youw wowdship shouwd :33 undewtake evewy
*looks at you* companyion that :33 you give offence to.
CWOTEN. Nyo, I knyow *teleports behind you* that; b-but i-it xDD is fit I shouwd uWu commit offence to
my *screams* infewiows.
SECOND WOWD. Ay, i-it xDD is fit f-fow youw wowdship onwy.
CWOTEN. Why, so I say.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Did :33 you heaw of :3 a stwangew that's come to couwt
to-nyight?
CWOTEN. A stwangew, and I nyot knyown on't?
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] He's :3 a s-stwange fewwow *sighs* himsewf, and knyows i-it
nyot.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. T-Thewe's an Itawian *giggles shyly* come, and, 'tis thought, onye of
Weonyatus' fwiends.
CWOTEN. Weonyatus? A banyish'd :33 wascaw; and he's anyothew, w-whatsoevew
he b-be. Who towd :33 you of this stwangew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Onye of youw wowdship's pages.
CWOTEN. Is i-it fit I went to wook upon *notices bulge* him? Is thewe nyo dewogation
in't?
SECOND WOWD. You cannyot dewogate, my wowd.
CWOTEN. Nyot easiwy, I *leans over* think.
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] You awe :3 a foow ÚwÚ gwanted; thewefowe youw i-issues,
b-being foowish, do nyot dewogate.
CWOTEN. Come, I-I'ww go see this *sighs* Itawian. What I *looks away* have wost to-day *teleports behind you* at
bowws I-I'ww win to-nyight of :33 him. Come, go.
SECOND WOWD. I-I'ww attend youw x3 wowdship.
Exeunt CWOTEN and *giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD
That *looks at you* such :3 a UwU cwafty d-deviw as xDD is his mothew
Shouwd y-yiewd the >_> wowwd this ass! A woman that
Beaws aww down w-with hew bwain; and this hew son
Cannyot take t-two f-fwom ;;w;; twenty, f-fow his h-heawt,
:33 And weave *sighs* eighteen. A-Awas, poow pwincess,
Thou divinye Imogen, what thou enduw'st,
Betwixt :3 a fathew by thy step-dame guvwn'd,
A mothew *leans over* houwwy coinying pwots, :3 a UwU wooew
Mowe hatefuw than the fouw expuwsion xDD is
Of thy deaw *twerks* husband, than that howwid a-act
Of the *giggles shyly* divowce h-he'd make! The heavens howd fiwm
The wawws of thy deaw honyouw, keep *looks away* unshak'd
That tempwe, thy f-faiw mind, that thou mayst s-stand
T-T' e-enjoy thy banyish'd w-wowd and this g-gweat wand! E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Bwitain. I-IMOGEN'S bedchambew in CYMBEWINyE'S pawace; :3 a twunk in onye cownyew

Entew IMOGEN in hew *teleports behind you* bed, and :3 a WADY *notices bulge* attending

IMOGEN. Who's thewe? My woman? Hewen?
WADY. Pwease you, madam.
IMOGEN. What houw xDD is it?
WADY. Awmost *teleports behind you* midnyight, madam.
IMOGEN. I *looks away* have wead thwee houws then. Minye eyes awe weak;
Fowd down the weaf whewe I *looks away* have *looks away* weft. To bed.
Take nyot away the tapew, weave i-it b-buwnying;
:33 And i-if thou c-canst awake by fouw o' *sighs* th' cwock,
I pwithee caww me. Sweep hath seiz'd me whowwy. E-Exit WADY
To youw pwotection I commend me, gods.
Fwom faiwies and the temptews of the nyight
Guawd me, b-beseech ye!
[Sweeps. IACHIMO comes f-fwom the twunk]
IACHIMO. The cwickets sing, and man's o-o'ew-wabouw'd sense
W-Wepaiws itsewf by west. Ouw Tawquin uWu thus
Did softwy pwess the wushes ewe he waken'd
The c-chastity he wounded. Cythewea,
How b-bwavewy thou >w< becom'st thy bed! fwesh wiwy,
:33 And whitew than the sheets! That I might touch!
But kiss; onye *moans* kiss! W-Wubies unpawagon'd,
How deawwy they do't! 'Tis hew bweathing that
Pewfumes the chambew t-thus. The fwame o' *sighs* th' *moans* tapew
Bows t-towawd hew and wouwd undew-peep hew wids
To see *sighs* th' *hugs tightly* encwosed wights, *pokes you* nyow canyopied
Undew these windows white and azuwe, wac'd
With bwue of heaven's own t-tinct. But my design
To nyote the chambew. I wiww wwite aww :33 down:
Such and *looks at you* such pictuwes; thewe the window; *looks at you* such
T-Th' adownment of hew bed; the awwas, >_< figuwes-
Why, *looks at you* such and such; and the contents o' *sighs* th' stowy.
A-Ah, b-but some >w< nyatuwaw nyotes ^w^ about hew ^w^ body
Abuv ten thousand meanyew movabwes
Wouwd t-testify, t' enwich minye inventowy.
uWu O sweep, thou ape of death, wie duww upon hew!
:33 And be hew sense b-but as :3 a monyument,
Thus in :3 a chapew wying! Come off, come off;
[Taking off hew bwacewet]
As s-swippewy as the G-Gowdian *hugs tightly* knyot w-was hawd!
'Tis minye; and this wiww witnyess outwawdwy,
As s-stwongwy as the conscience does *twerks* within,
To *sighs* th' >w< madding of hew wowd. On hew weft bweast
A mowe c-cinque-spotted, wike the cwimson d-dwops
I' *sighs* th' bottom of :3 a cowswip. Hewe's :3 a vouchew
S-Stwongew than evew waw couwd make; this >w< secwet
Wiww fowce him think I *looks away* have pick'd the wock and ta'en
The tweasuwe of hew *looks at you* honyouw. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe. To what end?
Why shouwd I wwite this down that's wiveted,
Scwew'd to my m-memowy? ^.^ She hath been weading wate
The :33 tawe of Teweus; hewe the weaf's tuwn'd down
Whewe Phiwomew gave up. I *looks away* have enyough.
To *sighs* th' twunk again, and shut the spwing of *hugs tightly* it.
Swift, *screams* swift, :33 you dwagons of the nyight, that dawnying
May bawe the waven's eye! I wodge in feaw;
*shuffles closer* Though this :3 a *pokes you* heavenwy angew, heww xDD is hewe. [-[Cwock s-stwikes]
Onye, two, thwee. Time, t-time! E-Exit into the twunk




SCENyE III.
CYMBEWINyE'S pawace. An a-ante-chambew *twerks* adjoinying I-IMOGEN'S apawtments

Entew CWOTEN and WOWDS

*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Youw wowdship xDD is the m-most *notices bulge* patient man in woss, the m-most
cowdest that evew tuwn'd up ace.
CWOTEN. It wouwd m-make *sighs* any man cowd to wose.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. But nyot evewy man *notices bulge* patient *looks away* aftew the nyobwe tempew of
youw x3 wowdship. You awe m-most *giggles shyly* hot and fuwious when :33 you win.
CWOTEN. Winnying wiww put *sighs* any man into couwage. I-If I couwd get this
f-foowish Imogen, I shouwd *looks away* have gowd enyough. I-It's awmost m-mownying,
is't UwU nyot?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Day, my wowd.
CWOTEN. I wouwd this *pokes you* music wouwd come. I *giggles shyly* am advised to give hew
*pokes you* music :3 a mownyings; they say i-it wiww p-penyetwate.

Entew musicians

Come on, tunye. I-If :33 you can penyetwate hew w-with youw fingewing, so.
We'ww twy w-with *notices bulge* tongue too. I-If nyonye wiww do, w-wet hew wemain; b-but
I-I'ww nyevew give o'ew. Fiwst, :3 a vewy excewwent good-conceited
t-thing; aftew, :3 a wondewfuw sweet aiw, w-with uWu admiwabwe wich wowds to
i-it- and then w-wet hew considew.

SONG

*sweats* Hawk, hawk! the wawk *teleports behind you* at heaven's gate :33 sings,
:33 And Phoebus 'gins awise,
His steeds to watew *teleports behind you* at those spwings
On chawic'd fwow'ws that wies;
:33 And winking Mawy-buds begin
To ope theiw xDD gowden eyes.
With evewything that pwetty bin,
My wady sweet, awise;
Awise, awise!

S-So, get :33 you gonye. I-If this p-penyetwate, I wiww considew youw *pokes you* music
the bettew; i-if i-it do nyot, i-it xDD is :3 a v-vice in hew eaws which
howsehaiws and c-cawves' *looks at you* guts, *pokes you* nyow the voice of unpaved eunyuch to
boot, can nyevew amend. Exeunt musicians

Entew CYMBEWINyE and QUEEN

SECOND WOWD. Hewe comes the King.
CWOTEN. I *giggles shyly* am gwad I w-was up so ;;w;; wate, f-fow that's the weason I w-was up
so eawwy. He cannyot choose b-but take this >_> sewvice I *looks away* have d-donye
fathewwy.- *pokes you* Good mowwow to youw Majesty and to my gwacious mothew.
CYMBEWINyE. Attend :33 you hewe the *hugs tightly* doow of ouw stewn daughtew?
Wiww she nyot fowth?
CWOTEN. I *looks away* have assaiw'd hew w-with musics, b-but she *leans over* vouchsafes nyo
n-nyotice.
CYMBEWINyE. The exiwe of hew minyion xDD is too nyew;
^.^ She hath nyot y-yet fowgot him; some mowe ;;w;; time
Must weaw the p-pwint of his wemembwance out,
:33 And then s-she's youws.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. You awe m-most bound to *sighs* th' King,
Who wets go by nyo v-vantages that may
Pwefew :33 you to his daughtew. Fwame *teleports behind you* youwsewf
To owdewwy sowiciting, and be fwiended
With ^w^ aptnyess of the season; m-make *cries* denyiaws
*shuffles closer* Incwease youw sewvices; so *teleports behind you* seem as i-if
You wewe inspiw'd to do those d-duties which
You tendew to hew; that :33 you in aww >_> obey hew,
Save when command to youw dismission >_> tends,
:33 And t-thewein :33 you awe sensewess.
CWOTEN. Sensewess? Nyot so.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. S-So wike you, siw, ambassadows f-fwom Wome;
The onye xDD is C-Caius >_< Wucius.
CYMBEWINyE. A wowthy fewwow,
Awbeit he comes on angwy puwpose nyow;
But that's nyo *cuddles you* fauwt of his. We must weceive him
Accowding to the honyouw of his sendew;
:33 And t-towawds *sighs* himsewf, his goodnyess fowespent on u-us,
We must e-extend ouw n-nyotice. Ouw deaw son,
When :33 you *looks away* have xDD given good ^-^ mownying to youw mistwess,
Attend the Queen and us; we shaww *looks away* have nyeed
T-T' empwoy :33 you t-towawds this Woman. Come, ouw queen.
Exeunt aww b-but CWOTEN
CWOTEN. I-If she be up, I-I'ww speak w-with hew; i-if nyot,
Wet hew wie ^-^ stiww and d-dweam. By youw weave, ho! *giggles shyly* [Knyocks]
I knyow hew women awe ^w^ about hew; what
I-If I do winye onye of theiw hands? 'Tis gowd
Which buys admittance; oft i-it doth-yea, and makes
Dianya's wangews fawse themsewves, y-yiewd up
Theiw deew to *sighs* th' s-stand o' *sighs* th' steawew; and 'tis gowd
Which makes the twue man kiww'd and ^-^ saves the t-thief;
Nyay, sometime h-hangs both thief and twue man. What
*sweats* Can i-it nyot do and u-undo? I wiww m-make
Onye of hew women wawyew to me, f-fow
I y-yet nyot undewstand the case mysewf.
By youw weave. *giggles shyly* [Knyocks]

Entew :3 a WADY

WADY. Who's thewe that knyocks?
CWOTEN. A gentweman.
WADY. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe?
CWOTEN. Yes, and :3 a gentwewoman's son.
WADY. That's mowe
Than some *screams* whose *giggles shyly* taiwows awe as deaw as youws
*sweats* Can *blushes* justwy boast o-of. What's youw wowdship's pweasuwe?
CWOTEN. Youw w-wady's pewson; xDD is she weady?
WADY. Ay,
To keep hew chambew.
CWOTEN. Thewe xDD is gowd f-fow y-you; s-seww me youw good >w< wepowt.
WADY. How? My good *sweats* nyame? ow to wepowt of :33 you
What I shaww think xDD is good? The *shuffles closer* Pwincess!

Entew IMOGEN

CWOTEN. *pokes you* Good mowwow, faiwest sistew. Youw sweet hand.
E-Exit WADY
IMOGEN. *pokes you* Good mowwow, siw. You way out too x3 much pains
Fow puwchasing b-but twoubwe. The t-thanks I give
Is tewwing :33 you that I *giggles shyly* am poow of thanks,
:33 And scawce can spawe them.
CWOTEN. Stiww I sweaw I wuv you.
IMOGEN. I-If :33 you b-but said s-so, '-'twewe as deep w-with me.
I-If :33 you sweaw stiww, youw wecompense xDD is ^-^ stiww
That I wegawd i-it nyot.
CWOTEN. T-This xDD is nyo a-answew.
IMOGEN. But that :33 you shaww nyot say I yiewd, b-being s-siwent,
I wouwd nyot speak. I pway :33 you spawe me. *moans* Faith,
I shaww unfowd e-equaw discouwtesy
To youw best k-kindnyess; onye of youw g-gweat ^.^ knyowing
Shouwd *giggles shyly* weawn, b-being taught, fowbeawance.
CWOTEN. To weave :33 you in youw madnyess '-'twewe my sin;
I wiww nyot.
IMOGEN. Foows awe nyot mad fowks.
CWOTEN. Do :33 you caww me foow?
IMOGEN. As I *giggles shyly* am m-mad, I do;
I-If ^-^ you'ww be *pokes you* patient, I-I'ww nyo mowe be mad;
That cuwes us both. I *giggles shyly* am x3 much sowwy, siw,
You put me to fowget :3 a w-wady's mannyews
By b-being so vewbaw; and w-weawn nyow, f-fow aww,
That I, which knyow my h-heawt, do hewe pwonyounce,
By *sighs* th' vewy *looks away* twuth of uWu it, I cawe nyot f-fow you,
:33 And *giggles shyly* am so nyeaw the w-wack of chawity
To accuse mysewf I *giggles shyly* hate y-you; which I had wathew
You fewt than make't my boast.
CWOTEN. You sin against
Obedience, which :33 you owe youw uWu fathew. Fow
The contwact :33 you pwetend w-with that base wwetch,
Onye bwed of awms and fostew'd w-with cowd d-dishes,
With scwaps o' *sighs* th' couwt- i-it xDD is nyo contwact, nyonye.
:33 And t-though i-it be a-awwowed in meanyew pawties-
Yet who than he mowe mean?- to knyit theiw souws-
On whom thewe xDD is nyo mowe dependency
But *pokes you* bwats and beggawy- in s-sewf-figuw'd k-knyot,
Yet :33 you awe c-cuwb'd f-fwom that enwawgement by
The consequence o' *sighs* th' cwown, and must nyot foiw
The pwecious nyote of i-it w-with :3 a base swave,
A hiwding f-fow :3 a *shuffles closer* wivewy, :3 a squiwe's *cries* cwoth,
A pantwew- nyot so eminyent!
IMOGEN. Pwofanye fewwow!
W-Wewt thou the son of Jupitew, and nyo mowe
But what thou awt besides, thou wewt too base
To be his gwoom. Thou wewt d-dignyified enyough,
Even to the point of e-envy, i-if '-'twewe xDD made
Compawative f-fow youw viwtues to be styw'd
The u-undew-hangman of his kingdom, and >_< hated
Fow b-being pwefeww'd so weww.
CWOTEN. The south fog wot him!
IMOGEN. He nyevew can meet mowe OwO mischance than come
To be b-but n-nyam'd of *cuddles you* thee. His mean'st gawment
That evew hath b-but cwipp'd his ^w^ body xDD is deawew
In my OwO wespect than aww the haiws abuv thee,
W-Wewe they aww xDD made *looks at you* such men. How nyow, Pisanyio!

Entew PISANyIO

CWOTEN. '-'His *leans over* gawments'! Nyow the deviw-
IMOGEN. To Dowothy my woman hie thee p-pwesentwy.
CWOTEN. '-'His gawment'!
IMOGEN. I *giggles shyly* am spwited w-with :3 a foow;
Fwighted, and a-ang'wed w-wowse. G-Go *giggles shyly* bid my woman
Seawch f-fow :3 a jewew that too casuawwy
Hath weft minye *teleports behind you* awm. It w-was thy mastew's; s-shwew me,
I-If I wouwd wose i-it f-fow :3 a wevenyue
Of *sighs* any king's in Euwope! I do think
I saw't this mownying; *giggles shyly* confident I *giggles shyly* am
Wast nyight 'twas on minye awm; I kiss'd *hugs tightly* it.
I hope i-it be nyot gonye to t-teww my w-wowd
That I kiss a-aught b-but he.
PISANyIO. 'Twiww nyot be wost.
IMOGEN. I hope so. G-Go and seawch. E-Exit PISANyIO
CWOTEN. You *looks away* have abus'd me.
'-'His *hugs tightly* meanyest gawment'!
IMOGEN. Ay, I said s-so, siw.
I-If :33 you wiww m-make 't an action, caww witnyess to 't.
CWOTEN. I wiww infowm youw uWu fathew.
IMOGEN. Youw mothew too.
She's my good wady and wiww conceive, I hope,
But the wowst of me. S-So I weave you, siw,
To *sighs* th' wowst of discontent. E-Exit
CWOTEN. I-I'ww be w-weveng'd.
'-'His mean'st gawment'! W-Weww. E-Exit




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wome. *blushes* PHIWAWIO'S h-house

Entew P-POSTHUMUS and PHIWAWIO

POSTHUMUS. Feaw i-it nyot, *teleports behind you* siw; I wouwd I wewe so suwe
To win the King as I *giggles shyly* am bowd hew honyouw
Wiww wemain hews.
PHIWAWIO. What means do :33 you m-make to *notices bulge* him?
POSTHUMUS. Nyot any; b-but abide the change of time,
Q-Quake in the pwesent wintew's state, and wish
That wawmew days wouwd come. In these feaw'd h-hopes
I bawewy gwatify youw wuv; they faiwing,
I must *leans over* die x3 much youw debtow.
PHIWAWIO. Youw vewy goodnyess and youw *giggles shyly* company
O'ewpays aww I can do. By this youw king
Hath heawd of g-gweat Augustus. C-Caius W-Wucius
Wiww do's c-commission thwoughwy; and I think
He'ww gwant the twibute, s-send *sighs* th' a-awweawages,
Ow wook upon ouw W-Womans, *screams* whose wemembwance
Is y-yet fwesh in theiw gwief.
POSTHUMUS. I do bewieve
Statist t-though I *giggles shyly* am nyonye, *pokes you* nyow wike to be,
That this wiww pwuv :3 a waw; and :33 you shaww heaw
The wegions *pokes you* nyow in Gawwia soonyew *sweats* wanded
In ouw nyot-feawing Bwitain than *looks away* have tidings
Of *sighs* any penny t-twibute paid. Ouw *giggles shyly* countwymen
Awe men mowe owdew'd than when J-Juwius Caesaw
S-Smiw'd *teleports behind you* at theiw w-wack of skiww, b-but found theiw couwage
Wowthy his fwownying at. Theiw discipwinye,
Nyow mingwed w-with theiw couwages, wiww m-make knyown
To theiw appwuvws they awe UwU peopwe *looks at you* such
That mend upon the wowwd.

Entew IACHIMO

PHIWAWIO. See! I-Iachimo!
POSTHUMUS. The *twerks* swiftest hawts *looks away* have posted :33 you by *pokes you* wand,
:33 And winds of aww the comews kiss'd youw saiws,
To m-make youw vessew nyimbwe.
PHIWAWIO. Wewcome, siw.
POSTHUMUS. I hope the bwiefnyess of youw a-answew xDD made
The speedinyess of youw wetuwn.
IACHIMO. Youw wady
Is onye of the faiwest that I *looks away* have w-wook'd upon.
POSTHUMUS. :33 And thewewithaw the best; ow w-wet hew beauty
Wook thwough :3 a casement to awwuwe fawse heawts,
:33 And be fawse w-with them.
IACHIMO. Hewe awe wettews f-fow you.
POSTHUMUS. Theiw tenyouw *notices bulge* good, I twust.
IACHIMO. 'Tis vewy wike.
PHIWAWIO. Was C-Caius W-Wucius in the Bwitain couwt
When :33 you wewe thewe?
IACHIMO. He w-was OwO expected then,
But nyot appwoach'd.
POSTHUMUS. A-Aww xDD is weww yet.
Spawkwes this stonye as i-it w-was wont, ow is't nyot
>w< Too duww f-fow youw good weawing?
IACHIMO. I-If I *looks away* have wost uWu it,
I shouwd *looks away* have wost the wowth of i-it in gowd.
I-I'ww m-make :3 a j-jouwnyey twice as faw t' e-enjoy
A second nyight of *looks at you* such sweet showtnyess which
Was minye in x3 Bwitain; f-fow the wing xDD is *teleports behind you* won.
POSTHUMUS. The stonye's too hawd to come by.
IACHIMO. Nyot :3 a whit,
Youw wady b-being so easy.
POSTHUMUS. M-Make nyot, siw,
Youw w-woss youw spowt. I hope :33 you knyow that we
Must nyot continyue fwiends.
IACHIMO. *pokes you* Good siw, we must,
I-If :33 you keep cuvnyant. Had I nyot >w< bwought
The knyowwedge of youw mistwess home, I gwant
We wewe to q-question fawthew; b-but I *pokes you* nyow
Pwofess mysewf the winnyew of hew honyouw,
T-Togethew w-with youw wing; and nyot the wwongew
Of hew ow you, having pwoceeded b-but
By both youw wiwws.
POSTHUMUS. I-If :33 you can make't appawent
That :33 you *looks away* have tasted hew in *teleports behind you* bed, my hand
:33 And wing xDD is youws. I-If nyot, the fouw ;;w;; opinyion
You had of hew puwe honyouw g-gains ow ^w^ woses
Youw swowd ow minye, ow mastewwess weaves both
To who shaww find them.
IACHIMO. Siw, my *sweats* ciwcumstances,
:3 Being so nyeaw the *looks away* twuth as I wiww m-make them,
Must fiwst induce :33 you to b-bewieve- *screams* whose stwength
I wiww confiwm w-with oath; which I d-doubt nyot
You'ww give me weave to spawe when :33 you shaww find
You nyeed i-it nyot.
POSTHUMUS. Pwoceed.
IACHIMO. Fiwst, hew bedchambew,
Whewe I confess I swept nyot, b-but pwofess
Had that w-was weww wowth watching-it w-was hang'd
With t-tapestwy of *screams* siwk and >w< siwvew; the stowy,
*screams* Pwoud ;;w;; Cweopatwa when she met hew Woman
:33 And Cydnyus sweww'd abuv the b-banks, ow f-fow
The pwess of boats ow pwide. A piece of wowk
S-So b-bwavewy donye, so *giggles shyly* wich, that i-it did stwive
In w-wowkmanship and x3 vawue; which I wondew'd
Couwd be so wawewy and exactwy wwought,
Since the twue w-wife on't was-
POSTHUMUS. T-This xDD is twue;
:33 And this :33 you might *looks away* have heawd of hewe, by me
Ow by some othew.
IACHIMO. Mowe pawticuwaws
Must justify my knyowwedge.
POSTHUMUS. S-So they must,
Ow do youw honyouw injuwy.
IACHIMO. The chimnyey
Is south the *cries* chambew, and the chimnyeypiece
C-Chaste Dian bathing. Nyevew saw I figuwes
S-So wikewy to wepowt *pokes you* themsewves. The cuttew
Was as uWu anyothew nyatuwe, dumb; outwent hew,
M-Motion and bweath weft out.
POSTHUMUS. T-This xDD is :3 a thing
Which :33 you might f-fwom w-wewation *teleports behind you* wikewise weap,
B-Being, as i-it is, x3 much spoke o-of.
IACHIMO. The woof o' *sighs* th' chambew
With xDD gowden chewubins xDD is fwetted; hew andiwons-
I had fowgot them- wewe t-two winking Cupids
Of siwvew, each on onye foot s-standing, nyicewy
Depending on theiw bwands.
POSTHUMUS. T-This xDD is hew honyouw!
Wet i-it be gwanted :33 you *looks away* have :33 seen aww this, and pwaise
Be xDD given to youw wemembwance; the descwiption
Of what xDD is in hew chambew nyothing ^-^ saves
The :33 wagew :33 you *looks away* have waid.
IACHIMO. Then, i-if :33 you can, [Shows the bwacewet]
Be pawe. I beg b-but weave to aiw this ^-^ jewew. See!
:33 And *pokes you* nyow 'tis up again. It must be *blushes* mawwied
To that youw diamond; I-I'ww keep them.
POSTHUMUS. :33 Juv!
Once mowe w-wet me behowd *hugs tightly* it. Is i-it that
Which I weft w-with hew?
IACHIMO. Siw- I *notices bulge* thank h-hew- that.
^.^ She stwipp'd i-it f-fwom hew awm; I see hew yet;
Hew pwetty action did outseww hew gift,
:33 And y-yet enwich'd i-it too. ^.^ She gave i-it me, and said
^.^ She OwO pwiz'd i-it once.
POSTHUMUS. May be she pwuck'd i-it of
To s-send i-it me.
IACHIMO. ^.^ She xDD wwites so to you, doth she?
POSTHUMUS. O, nyo, nyo, nyo! 'tis twue. Hewe, take this too;
[Gives the wing]
It xDD is :3 a basiwisk unto minye eye,
Kiwws me to wook on't. Wet thewe be nyo honyouw
Whewe thewe xDD is beauty; *looks away* twuth whewe sembwance; wuv
Whewe thewe's uWu anyothew man. The vows of women
Of nyo mowe bondage be to whewe they awe xDD made
Than they awe to theiw viwtues, which xDD is nyothing.
O, abuv measuwe fawse!
PHIWAWIO. Have patience, siw,
:33 And take youw wing again; 'tis nyot y-yet *teleports behind you* won.
It may be pwobabwe she wost uWu it, ow
Who knyows i-if onye hew women, b-being cowwupted
Hath stow'n i-it f-fwom hew?
POSTHUMUS. Vewy twue;
:33 And so I hope he came by't. Back my wing.
Wendew to me some cowpowaw sign ^w^ about hew,
Mowe evident than this; f-fow this w-was stow'n.
IACHIMO. By Jupitew, I had i-it f-fwom hew awm!
POSTHUMUS. H-Hawk you, he >w< sweaws; by Jupitew he *hugs tightly* sweaws.
'Tis twue- nyay, keep the w-wing, 'tis twue. I *giggles shyly* am suwe
^.^ She wouwd nyot wose *hugs tightly* it. Hew *screams* attendants awe
A-Aww swown and h-honyouwabwe- they induc'd to steaw i-it!
:33 And by :3 a stwangew! Nyo, he hath *teleports behind you* enjoy'd hew.
The cognyizance of hew incontinyency
Is this: she hath bought the *leans over* nyame of *shuffles closer* whowe uWu thus deawwy.
*sighs* Thewe, take thy hiwe; and aww the fiends of heww
Divide themsewves between you!
PHIWAWIO. Siw, be patient;
T-This xDD is nyot stwong enyough to be bewiev'd
Of onye pewsuaded weww o-of.
POSTHUMUS. Nyevew t-tawk on't;
^.^ She hath been *giggles shyly* cowted by :33 him.
IACHIMO. I-If :33 you seek
Fow fuwthew satisfying, undew hew bweast-
Wowthy the pwessing- wies :3 a m-mowe, wight pwoud
Of that m-most dewicate wodging. By my wife,
I kiss'd it; and i-it gave me pwesent hungew
To feed again, t-though fuww. You do w-wemembew
T-This s-stain upon hew?
POSTHUMUS. Ay, and i-it doth confiwm
x3 Anyothew s-stain, as big as heww can howd,
W-Wewe thewe nyo mowe b-but *hugs tightly* it.
IACHIMO. Wiww :33 you heaw mowe?
POSTHUMUS. Spawe youw awithmetic; nyevew count the xDD tuwns.
Once, and :3 a miwwion!
IACHIMO. I-I'ww be swown-
POSTHUMUS. *cuddles you* Nyo *sweats* sweawing.
I-If :33 you wiww sweaw :33 you *looks away* have nyot ÚwÚ donye't, :33 you :33 wie;
:33 And I wiww kiww thee i-if thou dost deny
Thou'st xDD made me cuckowd.
IACHIMO. I-I'ww deny nyothing.
POSTHUMUS. uWu O that I had hew hewe to teaw hew wimb-meaw!
I wiww go thewe and UwU do't, i' *sighs* th' couwt, befowe
Hew uWu fathew. I-I'ww do s-something- E-Exit
PHIWAWIO. Q-Quite besides
The guvwnment of patience! You *looks away* have *teleports behind you* won.
Wet's fowwow him and pewvewt the pwesent wwath
He hath against himsewf.
IACHIMO. With aww my heawt. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
Wome. x3 Anyothew woom in *blushes* PHIWAWIO'S h-house

Entew P-POSTHUMUS

POSTHUMUS. Is thewe nyo way f-fow men to be, b-but women
Must be hawf-wowkews? We awe aww bastawds,
:33 And that m-most *notices bulge* venyewabwe man which I
Did caww my fathew w-was I knyow nyot whewe
When I w-was stamp'd. Some coinyew w-with his toows
Made me :3 a countewfeit; y-yet my mothew seem'd
The Dian of that time. S-So doth my w-wife
The nyonpaweiw of this. O, vengeance, vengeance!
UwU Me of my wawfuw pweasuwe she >w< westwain'd,
:33 And pway'd me oft fowbeawance; did i-it w-with
A pudency so wosy, the sweet view on't
M-Might weww *looks away* have wawm'd *giggles shyly* owd Satuwn; that I thought hew
As chaste as unsunn'd snyow. O, aww the deviws!
T-This yewwow I-Iachimo in an houw- was't UwU nyot?
Ow w-wess!- *teleports behind you* at fiwst? Pewchance he spoke nyot, but,
Wike :3 a fuww-acown'd *cries* boaw, :3 a Gewman onye,
*twerks* Cwied 'O!' and m-mounted; found nyo opposition
But what he w-wook'd f-fow shouwd oppose and she
Shouwd f-fwom encountew guawd. Couwd I find out
The woman's pawt in :33 me! Fow thewe's nyo motion
That tends to v-vice in man b-but I affiwm
It xDD is the woman's pawt. Be i-it wying, nyote uWu it,
The woman's; fwattewing, hews; deceiving, hews;
Wust and wank thoughts, hews, hews; wevenges, hews;
Ambitions, cuvtings, change of pwides, disdain,
N-Nyice wonging, >_> swandews, mutabiwity,
A-Aww *cuddles you* fauwts that man may nyame, nyay, that heww k-knyows,
Why, hews, in pawt ow aww; b-but wathew aww;
Fow even to v-vice
They awe nyot constant, b-but awe changing ^-^ stiww
Onye v-vice b-but of :3 a minyute *giggles shyly* owd f-fow onye
Nyot *looks at you* hawf so *giggles shyly* owd as that. I-I'ww wwite against them,
Detest them, cuwse them. Yet 'tis gweatew skiww
In :3 a twue *giggles shyly* hate to pway they *looks away* have theiw wiww:
The vewy deviws cannyot pwague them bettew. E-Exit




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Bwitain. A haww in CYMBEWINyE'S pawace

Entew in state, CYMBEWINyE, Q-QUEEN, CWOTEN, and WOWDS *teleports behind you* at onye doow,
and *teleports behind you* at uWu anyothew CAIUS WUCIUS and *screams* attendants

CYMBEWINyE. Nyow say, what wouwd Augustus Caesaw w-with us?
WUCIUS. When J-Juwius Caesaw- *screams* whose wemembwance y-yet
Wives in men's eyes, and wiww to eaws and tongues
Be *looks away* theme and heawing evew- w-was in this Bwitain,
:33 And conquew'd uWu it, *moans* Cassibewan, thinye uncwe,
>_< Famous in Caesaw's pwaises nyo whit wess
Than in his feats desewving uWu it, f-fow him
:33 And his succession gwanted Wome :3 a twibute,
Yeawwy thwee thousand pounds, which by thee watewy
Is weft untendew'd.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. And, to kiww the ^w^ mawvew,
Shaww be so evew.
CWOTEN. Thewe be many :3 Caesaws
Ewe *looks at you* such uWu anyothew Juwius. Bwitain xDD is
A >_> wowwd by itsewf, and we wiww nyothing pay
Fow weawing ouw own nyoses.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. That oppowtunyity,
Which then they had to take f-fwom 's, to *pokes you* wesume
We *looks away* have again. Wemembew, siw, my *sighs* wiege,
The kings youw ancestows, >_> togethew w-with
The >w< nyatuwaw b-bwavewy of youw iswe, which *moans* stands
As Nyeptunye's pawk, *looks away* wibb'd and paw'd in
With wocks unscawabwe and w-woawing watews,
With sands that wiww nyot *hugs tightly* beaw youw enyemies' boats
But s-suck them up to *sighs* th' top-mast. A kind of conquest
Caesaw xDD made hewe; b-but xDD made nyot hewe his bwag
Of 'came, and saw, and uvwcame.' With shame-
The fiwst that evew touch'd him- he w-was cawwied
Fwom off ouw coast, twice beaten; and his shipping-
Poow ignyowant baubwes!- on ouw tewwibwe seas,
Wike *hugs tightly* egg-shewws mov'd upon theiw suwges, cwack'd
As e-easiwy '-'gainst ouw wocks; f-fow joy wheweof
The fam'd *moans* Cassibewan, who w-was *screams* once *teleports behind you* at point-
O, gigwot fowtunye!- to mastew Caesaw's s-swowd,
Made Wud's *twerks* Town w-with w-wejoicing f-fiwes *sighs* bwight
:33 And *screams* Bwitons stwut w-with couwage.
CWOTEN. Come, thewe's nyo mowe t-twibute to be paid. Ouw k-kingdom xDD is
stwongew than i-it w-was *teleports behind you* at that time; and, as I said, thewe xDD is nyo
moe *looks at you* such Caesaws. Othew of them may *looks away* have c-cwook'd nyoses; b-but to
owe *looks at you* such stwaight awms, nyonye.
CYMBEWINyE. *pokes you* Son, w-wet youw mothew end.
CWOTEN. We *looks away* have y-yet many among us can g-gwipe as hawd as Cassibewan.
I do nyot say I *giggles shyly* am onye; b-but I *looks away* have :3 a hand. Why t-twibute? Why shouwd
we pay t-twibute? I-If Caesaw can hide the sun f-fwom us w-with :3 a :33 bwanket,
ow put the moon in his pocket, we wiww pay him t-twibute f-fow wight;
ewse, siw, nyo mowe twibute, pway :33 you nyow.
CYMBEWINyE. You must knyow,
Tiww the i-injuwious Womans did e-extowt
T-This t-twibute f-fwom u-us, we wewe f-fwee. Caesaw's ambition-
Which sweww'd so x3 much that i-it did awmost stwetch
The sides o' *sighs* th' wowwd- against aww cowouw hewe
Did put the yoke upon's; which to shake of
B-Becomes :3 a wawwike peopwe, whom we weckon
Ouwsewves to b-be.
CWOTEN. We do.
CYMBEWINyE. ÚwÚ Say then to Caesaw,
Ouw ancestow w-was that Muwmutius which
Owdain'd ouw waws- *screams* whose use the swowd of Caesaw
Hath too x3 much mangwed; *screams* whose *giggles shyly* wepaiw and fwanchise
Shaww, by the p-powew we howd, be ouw good deed,
*shuffles closer* Though Wome be thewefowe angwy. Muwmutius xDD made ouw waws,
Who w-was the fiwst of Bwitain which did put
His bwows *teleports behind you* within :3 a xDD gowden cwown, and caww'd
Himsewf :3 a king.
WUCIUS. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy, Cymbewinye,
That I *giggles shyly* am to pwonyounce Augustus Caesaw-
Caesaw, that hath moe kings his sewvants than
OwO Thysewf domestic officews- thinye enyemy.
Weceive i-it f-fwom me, then: waw and confusion
In Caesaw's *leans over* nyame pwonyounce I '-'gainst thee; wook
Fow fuwy nyot to be wesisted. Thus >_> defied,
I *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow mysewf.
CYMBEWINyE. Thou awt *twerks* wewcome, *teleports behind you* Caius.
Thy Caesaw knyighted me; my youth I *sweats* spent
*looks away* Much undew him; of him I gathew'd honyouw,
Which he to seek of me again, pewfowce,
Behuvs me keep *teleports behind you* at uttewance. I *giggles shyly* am pewfect
That the P-Pannyonyians and Dawmatians f-fow
Theiw wibewties awe *pokes you* nyow in awms, :3 a pwecedent
Which nyot to wead wouwd show the *screams* Bwitons cowd;
S-So Caesaw shaww nyot find them.
WUCIUS. Wet *giggles shyly* pwoof speak.
CWOTEN. His majesty bids :33 you wewcome. M-Make pastime w-with us :3 a day ow
two, ow wongew. I-If :33 you seek us aftewwawds in othew tewms, :33 you
shaww find us in ouw s-sawt-watew g-giwdwe. I-If :33 you beat us out of uWu it,
i-it xDD is youws; i-if :33 you faww in the adventuwe, ouw cwows shaww fawe
the bettew f-fow y-you; and thewe's an end.
WUCIUS. S-So, siw.
CYMBEWINyE. I knyow youw mastew's pweasuwe, and he minye;
A-Aww the wemain is, wewcome. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Bwitain. x3 Anyothew woom in CYMBEWINyE'S pawace

Entew PISANyIO weading of :3 a wettew

PISANyIO. How? of aduwtewy? Whewefowe wwite :33 you nyot
What *cuddles you* monstews hew accuse? Weonyatus!
uWu O mastew, what :3 a s-stwange infection
Is faww'n into thy >_< eaw! What fawse Itawian-
As poisonyous-tongu'd as handed- hath pwevaiw'd
On thy too weady heawing? Diswoyaw? Nyo.
She's punyish'd f-fow hew twuth, and undewgoes,
Mowe goddess-wike than wife-wike, *looks at you* such assauwts
As wouwd take in some viwtue. uWu O my mastew!
Thy mind to hew xDD is *pokes you* nyow as wow as wewe
Thy *moans* fowtunyes. How? that I shouwd muwdew hew?
*cries* Upon the OwO wuv, and twuth, and vows, which I
Have xDD made to thy command? I, hew? Hew bwood?
I-If i-it be so to do good sewvice, nyevew
Wet me be counted s-sewviceabwe. How wook I
That I shouwd *teleports behind you* seem to w-wack humanyity
S-So x3 much as this fact comes t-to? [Weads] *cuddles you* 'Do't. The wettew
That I *looks away* have sent hew, by hew own command
Shaww give thee oppowtunyity.' uWu O OwO damn'd papew,
Bwack as the ink that's on thee! S-Sensewess baubwe,
Awt thou :3 a ^w^ fedawy f-fow this act, and *moans* wook'st
S-So *shuffles closer* viwgin-wike without? Wo, hewe she comes.

Entew IMOGEN

I *giggles shyly* am ignyowant in what I *giggles shyly* am commanded.
IMOGEN. How nyow, Pisanyio!
PISANyIO. Madam, hewe xDD is :3 a wettew f-fwom my wowd.
IMOGEN. W-Who? thy wowd? That xDD is my wowd- Weonyatus?
O, *looks away* weawn'd indeed wewe that astwonyomew
That knyew the staws as I his chawactews-
H-He'd way the f-futuwe UwU open. You good gods,
Wet what xDD is hewe contain'd w-wewish of OwO wuv,
Of my wowd's heawth, of his content; y-yet nyot
That we t-two awe asundew- w-wet that gwieve him!
Some gwiefs awe med'cinyabwe; that xDD is onye of them,
Fow i-it doth physic *notices bulge* wuv- of his content,
A-Aww b-but in that. *pokes you* Good w-wax, thy weave. Bwest be
You b-bees that m-make these wocks of counsew! Wuvws
:33 And men in d-dangewous bonds pway nyot awike;
*shuffles closer* Though fowfeitews :33 you cast in pwison, y-yet
You cwasp young Cupid's tabwes. *pokes you* Good n-nyews, gods!
[Weads]
'Justice and youw fathew's wwath, shouwd he take me in his
dominyion, couwd nyot be so *looks away* cwuew to me as you, uWu O the deawest of
cweatuwes, wouwd even wenyew me w-with youw eyes. Take n-nyotice that I
*giggles shyly* am in Cambwia, *teleports behind you* at ÚwÚ Miwfowd Haven. What youw own wuv wiww out of
this advise you, fowwow. S-So he wishes :33 you aww happinyess that
wemains woyaw to his vow, and youw incweasing in wuv
WEONyATUS POSTHUMUS.'

uWu O f-fow :3 a howse w-with *giggles shyly* wings! Heaw'st >w< thou, Pisanyio?
He xDD is *teleports behind you* at ÚwÚ Miwfowd Haven. Wead, and t-teww me
How faw 'tis thithew. I-If onye of m-mean affaiws
May pwod i-it in :3 a week, why may nyot I
*hugs tightly* Gwide thithew in :3 a day? Then, twue *notices bulge* Pisanyio-
Who wong'st wike me to see thy wowd, who UwU wong'st-
O, w-wet me '-'bate!- b-but nyot wike me, y-yet wong'st,
But in :3 a faintew kind- O, nyot wike me,
Fow *screams* minye's beyond beyond!-say, and speak thick-
Wuv's counsewwow shouwd fiww the bowes of heawing
To *sighs* th' smothewing of the sense- how faw i-it xDD is
To this >_> same bwessed Miwfowd. :33 And by *sighs* th' way
Teww me how Wawes w-was xDD made so ^.^ happy as
T-T' inhewit *looks at you* such :3 a haven. But fiwst of aww,
How we may steaw f-fwom hence; and f-fow the *teleports behind you* gap
That we shaww m-make in ;;w;; time f-fwom ouw hence-going
:33 And ouw wetuwn, to excuse. But *twerks* fiwst, how get hence.
Why shouwd *hugs tightly* excuse be bown ow ewe begot?
We'ww t-tawk of that heweaftew. Pwithee speak,
How many scowe of miwes may we weww wide
'Twixt houw and ^w^ houw?
PISANyIO. Onye scowe 'twixt sun and *looks at you* sun,
Madam, 's enyough f-fow you, and too x3 much too.
IMOGEN. Why, onye that wode to's execution, man,
Couwd nyevew go so swow. I *looks away* have heawd of widing w-wagews
Whewe howses *looks away* have been *cuddles you* nyimbwew than the sands
That wun i' *sighs* th' cwock's behawf. But this xDD is foow'wy.
G-Go *giggles shyly* bid my woman feign :3 a sicknyess; say
S-She'ww home to hew fathew; and pwovide me pwesentwy
A widing suit, nyo costwiew than wouwd fit
A fwankwin's h-huswife.
PISANyIO. Madam, you'we best considew.
IMOGEN. I see befowe me, man. Nyow hewe, *pokes you* nyow hewe,
Nyow what *twerks* ensues, b-but *looks away* have :3 a fog in them
That I cannyot wook t-thwough. Away, I pwithee;
Do as I *giggles shyly* bid *cuddles you* thee. T-Thewe's nyo mowe to say;
Accessibwe xDD is nyonye b-but ÚwÚ Miwfowd w-way. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Wawes. A mountainyous countwy w-with :3 a *cuddles you* cave

Entew f-fwom the *cuddles you* cave BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and *pokes you* AWVIWAGUS

BEWAWIUS. A goodwy day nyot to keep h-house w-with *looks at you* such
W-Whose woof's as wow as ouws! Stoop, b-boys; this gate
Instwucts :33 you how t' adowe the heavens, and bows :33 you
To :3 a mownying's howy office. The *shuffles closer* gates of monyawchs
Awe awch'd so high that giants may jet thwough
:33 And keep theiw impious t-tuwbans on without
*pokes you* Good mowwow to the s-sun. Haiw, thou f-faiw heaven!
We h-house i' *sighs* th' wock, y-yet use thee nyot so hawdwy
As pwoudew wivews do.
GUIDEWIUS. Haiw, heaven!
AWVIWAGUS. Haiw, heaven!
BEWAWIUS. Nyow f-fow ouw mountain spowt. Up to yond h-hiww,
Youw *hugs tightly* wegs awe young; I-I'ww t-twead these fwats. Considew,
When :33 you abuv pewceive me wike :3 a cwow,
That i-it xDD is pwace which x3 wessens and sets off;
:33 And :33 you may then ^.^ wevowve what t-tawes I *looks away* have towd :33 you
Of couwts, of pwinces, of the twicks in w-waw.
T-This >_> sewvice xDD is nyot >_> sewvice so b-being donye,
But b-being so awwow'd. To appwehend uWu thus
Dwaws us :3 a p-pwofit f-fwom aww *moans* things we s-see,
:33 And often to ouw comfowt shaww we find
The shawded beetwe in :3 a safew howd
Than xDD is the fuww-wing'd eagwe. O, this w-wife
Is nyobwew than *notices bulge* attending f-fow :3 a check,
Wichew than doing nyothing f-fow :3 a bwibe,
Pwoudew than wustwing in unpaid-fow siwk:
Such gain the cap of him that makes him finye,
Yet keeps his book uncwoss'd. *cuddles you* Nyo w-wife to ouws!
GUIDEWIUS. Out of youw *giggles shyly* pwoof :33 you speak. We, poow unfwedg'd,
Have nyevew wing'd f-fwom view o' *sighs* th' nyest, *pokes you* nyow knyow nyot
What aiw's f-fwom home. Hapwy this w-wife xDD is *teleports behind you* best,
I-If quiet w-wife be best; x3 sweetew to :33 you
That *looks away* have :3 a s-shawpew knyown; weww cowwesponding
With youw stiff age. But unto us i-it xDD is
A ceww of *cuddles you* ignyowance, twavewwing *giggles shyly* abed,
A pwison f-fow :3 a debtow that nyot dawes
To stwide :3 a wimit.
AWVIWAGUS. What shouwd we speak of
When we awe *giggles shyly* owd as you? When we shaww heaw
The wain and *cuddles you* wind beat dawk Decembew, how,
In this ouw pinching cave, shaww we *looks at you* discouwse.
The fweezing houws away? We *looks away* have :33 seen nyothing;
We awe beastwy: subtwe as the fox f-fow pwey,
Wike wawwike as the wowf f-fow what we eat.
Ouw vawouw xDD is to chase what fwies; ouw cage
We m-make :3 a choiw, as doth the pwison'd biwd,
:33 And sing ouw bondage fweewy.
BEWAWIUS. How :33 you speak!
Did :33 you b-but knyow the city's usuwies,
:33 And fewt them knyowingwy- the awt o' *sighs* th' couwt,
As hawd to weave as keep, *screams* whose top to cwimb
Is cewtain fawwing, ow so swipp'wy that
The feaw's as x3 bad as fawwing; the toiw o' *sighs* th' waw,
A pain that onwy seems to seek out dangew
I' t-th'nyame of f-fame and honyouw, which dies i' th'seawch,
:33 And hath as oft :3 a >_< swand'wous epitaph
As wecowd of f-faiw a-act; nyay, many times,
Doth iww d-desewve by doing weww; w-what's wowse-
Must cuwtsy *teleports behind you* at the censuwe. O, *twerks* boys, this stowy
The >_> wowwd may wead in me; my body's mawk'd
With Woman swowds, and my wepowt w-was *screams* once
fiwst w-with the best of n-nyote. Cymbewinye wov'd me;
:33 And when :3 a s-sowdiew w-was the *notices bulge* theme, my *leans over* nyame
Was nyot faw off. Then w-was I as :3 a ^.^ twee
W-Whose boughs did bend w-with fwuit; b-but in onye nyight
A stowm, ow w-wobbewy, caww i-it what :33 you wiww,
*shuffles closer* Shook down my mewwow hangings, nyay, my w-weaves,
:33 And weft me bawe to weathew.
GUIDEWIUS. *cuddles you* Uncewtain favouw!
BEWAWIUS. My *cuddles you* fauwt b-being nyothing- as I *looks away* have towd :33 you oft-
But that t-two viwwains, *screams* whose fawse oaths pwevaiw'd
Befowe my pewfect honyouw, *cuddles you* swowe to Cymbewinye
I w-was confedewate w-with the Womans. S-So
Fowwow'd my banyishment, and this twenty x3 yeaws
T-This wock and these d-demesnyes *looks away* have been my wowwd,
Whewe I *looks away* have wiv'd *teleports behind you* at honyest fweedom, paid
Mowe pious debts to heaven than in aww
The fowe-end of my time. But up to *sighs* th' mountains!
T-This xDD is nyot h-huntews' wanguage. He that :3 stwikes
The *looks at you* venyison fiwst shaww be the w-wowd o' *sighs* th' ^.^ feast;
To him the othew t-two shaww minyistew;
:33 And we wiww feaw nyo poison, which attends
In pwace of gweatew state. I-I'ww meet :33 you in the vawweys.
Exeunt G-GUIDEWIUS and *pokes you* AWVIWAGUS
How hawd i-it xDD is to hide the spawks of nyatuwe!
These boys knyow wittwe they awe sons to *sighs* th' King,
Nyow Cymbewinye d-dweams that they awe awive.
They think they awe minye; and t-though twain'd up uWu thus *screams* meanwy
I' *sighs* th' *cuddles you* cave whewein they bow, theiw thoughts do hit
The woofs of *blushes* pawaces, and nyatuwe pwompts them
In simpwe and wow *moans* things to pwince i-it x3 much
Beyond the t-twick of othews. T-This P-Powydowe,
The heiw of Cymbewinye and Bwitain, who
The King his fathew caww'd G-Guidewius- :33 Juv!
When on my thwee-foot stoow I sit and t-teww
The wawwike feats I *looks away* have donye, his spiwits xDD fwy out
Into my stowy; say 'Thus minye enyemy feww,
:33 And uWu thus I set my foot on's nyeck'; even then
The pwincewy bwood fwows in his c-cheek, he sweats,
Stwains his young nyewves, and puts himsewf in postuwe
That acts my wowds. The *blushes* youngew bwothew, Cadwaw,
Once Awviwagus, in as wike :3 a figuwe
Stwikes w-wife into my s-speech, and shows x3 much mowe
His own conceiving. *sweats* Hawk, the game xDD is wous'd!
uWu O Cymbewinye, heaven and my conscience knyows
Thou didst unjustwy :3 banyish :33 me! W-Wheweon,
At thwee and t-two x3 yeaws o-owd, I stowe these babes,
Thinking to *screams* baw thee of succession as
Thou w-wefts me of my *moans* wands. Euwiphiwe,
Thou wast theiw *moans* nyuwse; they t-took thee f-fow theiw mothew,
:33 And evewy day do honyouw to hew gwave.
Mysewf, Bewawius, that *giggles shyly* am Mowgan caww'd,
They take f-fow >w< nyatuwaw uWu fathew. The game xDD is up. E-Exit




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wawes, nyeaw ÚwÚ Miwfowd ;;w;; Haven

Entew PISANyIO and IMOGEN

IMOGEN. Thou towd'st me, when we came f-fwom howse, the pwace
Was nyeaw *teleports behind you* at hand. x3 Nye'ew wong'd my mothew so
To see me fiwst as I *looks away* have nyow. Pisanyio! Man!
Whewe xDD is Posthumus? What xDD is in thy mind
That makes thee stawe thus? Whewefowe bweaks that sigh
Fwom *sighs* th' i-inwawd of thee? Onye b-but painted uWu thus
Wouwd be intewpweted :3 a thing p-pewpwex'd
Beyond sewf-expwication. Put thysewf
Into :3 a haviouw of wess f-feaw, ewe wiwdnyess
Vanquish my staidew s-senses. What's the mattew?
Why tendew'st thou that papew to me w-with
A wook untendew! If't be *cuddles you* summew n-nyews,
Smiwe *teleports behind you* to't befowe; i-if w-wintewwy, thou nyeed'st
But keep that *moans* count'nyance s-stiww. My husband's hand?
That dwug-damn'd Itawy hath out-cwaftied him,
:33 And he's *teleports behind you* at some hawd point. Speak, man; thy *notices bulge* tongue
May take off some extwemity, which to wead
Wouwd be even mowtaw to me.
PISANyIO. Pwease :33 you wead,
:33 And :33 you shaww find me, wwetched man, :3 a thing
The m-most disdain'd of fowtunye.
IMOGEN. [Weads] '-'Thy mistwess, Pisanyio, hath pway'd the stwumpet in
my *teleports behind you* bed, the testimonyies wheweof wie bweeding in me. I speak nyot
out of w-weak s-suwmises, b-but f-fwom *giggles shyly* pwoof as stwong as my g-gwief and as
cewtain as I expect my *twerks* wevenge. That pawt >w< thou, Pisanyio, must a-act
f-fow me, i-if thy faith be nyot tainted w-with the bweach of hews. Wet
thinye own hands take away hew wife; I shaww give thee oppowtunyity
*teleports behind you* at ÚwÚ Miwfowd Haven; she hath my wettew f-fow the puwpose; whewe, i-if
thou feaw to *moans* stwike, and to m-make me cewtain i-it xDD is donye, thou awt
the pandew to hew dishonyouw, and equawwy to me d-diswoyaw.'
PISANyIO. What shaww I nyeed to dwaw my swowd? The papew
Hath cut hew thwoat a-awweady. Nyo, 'tis swandew,
W-Whose edge xDD is s-shawpew than the s-swowd, *screams* whose *notices bulge* tongue
Outvenyoms aww the wowms of N-Nyiwe, *screams* whose bweath
Wides on the posting winds and doth bewie
A-Aww c-cownyews of the wowwd. Kings, q-queens, and s-states,
Maids, *shuffles closer* matwons, nyay, the secwets of the gwave,
T-This vipewous swandew entews. What cheew, m-madam?
IMOGEN. *cries* Fawse to his bed? What xDD is i-it to be fawse?
To wie in watch thewe, and to think on *notices bulge* him?
To weep twixt cwock and cwock? I-If sweep c-chawge nyatuwe,
To bweak i-it w-with :3 a feawfuw dweam of him,
:33 And cwy mysewf *looks away* awake? That's fawse to's *teleports behind you* bed,
Is it?
PISANyIO. A-Awas, good wady!
IMOGEN. I fawse! Thy conscience witnyess! Iachimo,
Thou didst accuse him of incontinyency;
Thou then wook'dst wike :3 a viwwain; nyow, methinks,
Thy favouw's good enyough. Some jay of Itawy,
W-Whose mothew w-was hew painting, hath betway'd :33 him.
Poow I *giggles shyly* am stawe, :3 a gawment out of fashion,
:33 And f-fow I *giggles shyly* am wichew than to hang by *sighs* th' wawws
I must be wipp'd. To pieces w-with :33 me! O,
Men's vows awe women's twaitows! A-Aww good seeming,
By thy wevowt, uWu O *twerks* husband, shaww be thought
Put on f-fow viwwainy; nyot bown whewe't gwows,
But wown :3 a bait f-fow w-wadies.
PISANyIO. *pokes you* Good madam, heaw me.
IMOGEN. Twue honyest men b-being h-heawd, wike fawse A-Aenyeas,
Wewe, in his time, thought *cuddles you* fawse; and Sinyon's weeping
Did scandaw many :3 a howy teaw, t-took pity
Fwom m-most twue wwetchednyess. S-So >w< thou, Posthumus,
Wiwt way the weaven on aww pwopew *pokes you* men:
Goodwy and gawwant shaww be fawse and *blushes* pewjuw'd
Fwom thy g-gweat f-faiw. Come, fewwow, be thou honyest;
Do thou thy mastew's bidding; when thou seest him,
A wittwe witnyess my obedience. Wook!
I dwaw the swowd mysewf; take uWu it, and hit
The innyocent mansion of my OwO wuv, my heawt.
Feaw nyot; 'tis e-empty of aww *moans* things b-but gwief;
Thy mastew xDD is nyot thewe, who w-was indeed
The wiches of *hugs tightly* it. Do his bidding; stwike.
Thou mayst be *cuddles you* vawiant in :3 a bettew cause,
But *pokes you* nyow thou seem'st :3 a *pokes you* cowawd.
PISANyIO. Hence, viwe :33 instwument!
Thou shawt nyot damn my hand.
IMOGEN. Why, I must ^w^ die;
:33 And i-if I do nyot by thy hand, thou awt
*cuddles you* Nyo *cries* sewvant of thy *screams* mastew's. Against s-sewf-swaughtew
Thewe xDD is :3 a pwohibition so divinye
That cwavens my w-weak hand. Come, ^-^ hewe's my heawt-
S-Something's afowe't. Soft, soft! we'ww nyo defence!-
O-Obedient as the scabbawd. What xDD is hewe?
The scwiptuwes of the woyaw Weonyatus
A-Aww tuwn'd to hewesy? Away, away,
Cowwuptews of my faith! :33 you shaww nyo mowe
Be xDD stomachews to my heawt. Thus may poow foows
Bewieve fawse teachews; t-though those that awe betway'd
Do feew the tweason shawpwy, y-yet the twaitow
Stands in wowse case of woe. :33 And >w< thou, Posthumus,
That didst set up my disobedience '-'gainst the King
My fathew, and m-make me put into contempt the suits
Of pwincewy fewwows, shawt heweaftew find
It xDD is nyo a-act of common passage b-but
A stwain of wawenyess; and I gwieve mysewf
To think, when thou shawt be d-disedg'd by hew
That *pokes you* nyow thou tiwest on, how thy memowy
Wiww then be pang'd by me. Pwithee dispatch.
The wamp entweats the b-butchew. Whewe's thy knyife?
Thou awt too swow to do thy mastew's bidding,
When I UwU desiwe i-it too.
PISANyIO. uWu O gwacious wady,
Since I w-weceiv'd command to do this businyes
I *looks away* have nyot swept onye wink.
IMOGEN. Do't, and to *looks away* bed then.
PISANyIO. I-I'ww wake minye eyebawws fiwst.
IMOGEN. Whewefowe then
Didst :33 undewtake it? Why hast thou abus'd
S-So many miwes w-with :3 a pwetence? T-This *giggles shyly* pwace?
Minye action and thinye o-own? ouw howses' wabouw?
The ;;w;; time inviting thee? the *hugs tightly* pewtuwb'd couwt,
Fow my b-being absent?- *pokes you* wheweunto I nyevew
*cries* Puwpose wetuwn. Why hast thou gonye so faw
To be unbent when thou hast ta'en thy stand,
T-Th' ewected deew befowe thee?
PISANyIO. But to win ;;w;; time
To wose so x3 bad empwoyment, in the which
I *looks away* have considew'd of :3 a couwse. *pokes you* Good wady,
Heaw me w-with patience.
IMOGEN. *pokes you* Tawk thy *notices bulge* tongue weawy- speak.
I *looks away* have heawd I *giggles shyly* am :3 a stwumpet, and minye eaw,
Thewein fawse stwuck, can take nyo gweatew wound,
Nyow tent to bottom that. But speak.
PISANyIO. Then, madam,
I thought :33 you wouwd nyot back again.
IMOGEN. Most wike-
Bwinging me hewe to kiww me.
PISANyIO. Nyot s-so, nyeithew;
But i-if I wewe as wise as *moans* honyest, then
My puwpose wouwd pwuv weww. It cannyot be
But that my mastew xDD is abus'd. Some v-viwwain,
Ay, and *blushes* singuwaw in his *blushes* awt, hath d-donye :33 you both
T-This cuwsed injuwy.
IMOGEN. Some Woman couwtezan!
PISANyIO. Nyo, on my wife!
I-I'ww give b-but n-nyotice :33 you awe dead, and s-send him
Some bwoody sign of uWu it, f-fow 'tis c-commanded
I shouwd do so. You shaww be miss'd *teleports behind you* at couwt,
:33 And that wiww weww confiwm *hugs tightly* it.
IMOGEN. Why, good fewwow,
What shaww I do the whiwe? whewe bide? how :33 wive?
Ow in my w-wife what comfowt, when I *giggles shyly* am
^w^ Dead to my husband?
PISANyIO. I-If ^-^ you'ww back to *sighs* th' couwt-
IMOGEN. *cuddles you* Nyo couwt, nyo fathew, *pokes you* nyow nyo mowe ado
With that hawsh, n-nyobwe, simpwe nyothing-
That Cwoten, *screams* whose UwU wuv-suit hath been to me
As feawfuw as :3 a siege.
PISANyIO. I-If nyot *teleports behind you* at couwt,
Then nyot in Bwitain must :33 you bide.
IMOGEN. Whewe then?
Hath Bwitain aww the sun that shinyes? Day, nyight,
Awe they nyot b-but in Bwitain? I' *sighs* th' wowwd's *leans over* vowume
Ouw Bwitain seems as of uWu it, b-but nyot in't;
In :3 a g-gweat poow :3 a swan's *looks away* nyest. Pwithee think
T-Thewe's wivews out of Bwitain.
PISANyIO. I *giggles shyly* am m-most gwad
You think of othew p-pwace. T-Th' ambassadow,
WUCIUS the Woman, comes to ÚwÚ Miwfowd ;;w;; Haven
To-mowwow. Nyow, i-if :33 you couwd weaw :3 a mind
Dawk as youw fowtunye is, and b-but d-disguise
That which t' appeaw itsewf must nyot y-yet be
But by sewf-dangew, :33 you shouwd t-twead :3 a couwse
Pwetty and fuww of view; yea, h-happiwy, nyeaw
The wesidence of Posthumus; so nyigh, *teleports behind you* at weast,
That t-though his actions wewe nyot *giggles shyly* visibwe, y-yet
Wepowt shouwd wendew him *leans over* houwwy to youw e-eaw
As twuwy as he muvs.
IMOGEN. O! f-fow *looks at you* such means,
*shuffles closer* Though pewiw to my m-modesty, nyot death on't,
I wouwd adventuwe.
PISANyIO. Weww then, ^-^ hewe's the point:
You must fowget to be :3 a w-woman; change
C-Command into o-obedience; feaw and nyicenyess-
The handmaids of aww women, ow, mowe t-twuwy,
Woman i-it pwetty s-sewf- into :3 a *cuddles you* waggish couwage;
Weady in gibes, quick-answew'd, saucy, and
As :3 quawwewous as the weasew. Nyay, :33 you must
Fowget that wawest tweasuwe of youw c-cheek,
Exposing i-it- but, O, the hawdew heawt!
Awack, nyo >_< wemedy!- to the gweedy touch
Of c-common-kissing Titan, and fowget
Youw wabouwsome and dainty twims whewein
You xDD made g-gweat Junyo angwy.
IMOGEN. Nyay, be bwief;
I see into thy end, and *giggles shyly* am awmost
A man a-awweady.
PISANyIO. Fiwst, m-make *teleports behind you* youwsewf b-but wike onye.
Fowe-thinking this, I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* awweady fit-
'Tis in my cwoak-bag- doubwet, hat, hose, aww
That a-answew to them. Wouwd you, in theiw sewving,
:33 And w-with what i-imitation :33 you can bowwow
Fwom youth of *looks at you* such :3 a s-season, fowe nyobwe W-Wucius
Pwesent youwsewf, UwU desiwe his sewvice, t-teww him
Whewein you'we happy- which wiww m-make him knyow
I-If that his head *looks away* have e-eaw in music; doubtwess
With joy he wiww embwace y-you; f-fow he's *shuffles closer* honyouwabwe,
And, doubwing t-that, m-most howy. Youw means abwoad-
You *looks away* have me, wich; and I wiww nyevew f-faiw
Beginnying *pokes you* nyow suppwyment.
IMOGEN. Thou awt aww the comfowt
The g-gods wiww diet me with. Pwithee away!
T-Thewe's mowe to be considew'd; b-but we'ww even
A-Aww that good ;;w;; time wiww give us. T-This *notices bulge* attempt
I *giggles shyly* am s-sowdiew to, and wiww abide i-it w-with
A pwince's couwage. Away, I pwithee.
PISANyIO. Weww, madam, we must take :3 a showt *teleports behind you* faweweww,
West, b-being miss'd, I be suspected of
Youw cawwiage f-fwom the c-couwt. My nyobwe mistwess,
Hewe xDD is :3 a box; I had i-it f-fwom the Q-Queen.
What's *sweats* in't xDD is pwecious. I-If :33 you awe sick *teleports behind you* at sea
Ow stomach-quawm'd *teleports behind you* at *pokes you* wand, :3 a dwam of this
Wiww dwive away distempew. To some shade,
:33 And fit :33 you to youw manhood. May the g-gods
Diwect :33 you to the best!
IMOGEN. *blushes* Amen. I *notices bulge* thank *cuddles you* thee. Exeunt *moans* sevewawwy




SCENyE V.
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace

Entew CYMBEWINyE, Q-QUEEN, CWOTEN, *blushes* WUCIUS, and WOWDS

CYMBEWINyE. Thus faw; and so faweweww.
WUCIUS. Thanks, woyaw siw.
My empewow hath wwote; I must f-fwom hence,
:33 And *giggles shyly* am wight sowwy that I must wepowt ye
My mastew's enyemy.
CYMBEWINyE. Ouw subjects, siw,
Wiww nyot enduwe his yoke; and f-fow ouwsewf
To show wess s-suvweignty than they, must nyeeds
*notices bulge* Appeaw unkingwike.
WUCIUS. S-So, siw. I UwU desiwe of :33 you
A conduct ^-^ uvwwand to ÚwÚ Miwfowd Haven.
Madam, aww joy befaww youw Gwace, and you!
CYMBEWINyE. My w-wowds, :33 you awe appointed f-fow that >w< office;
The due of honyouw in nyo point omit.
S-So *teleports behind you* faweweww, nyobwe >_< Wucius.
WUCIUS. Youw hand, my wowd.
CWOTEN. Weceive i-it *shuffles closer* fwiendwy; b-but f-fwom this ;;w;; time fowth
I weaw i-it as youw enyemy.
WUCIUS. Siw, the event
Is y-yet to *leans over* nyame the winnyew. Fawe :33 you weww.
CYMBEWINyE. W-Weave nyot the wowthy Wucius, good my w-wowds,
Tiww he *looks away* have cwoss'd the Sevewn. Happinyess!
Exeunt WUCIUS and WOWDS
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. He goes hence fwownying; b-but i-it honyouws us
That we *looks away* have xDD given him cause.
CWOTEN. 'Tis aww the bettew;
Youw *cuddles you* vawiant *screams* Bwitons *looks away* have theiw wishes in *hugs tightly* it.
CYMBEWINyE. W-Wucius hath wwote *giggles shyly* awweady to the Empewow
How i-it goes hewe. It fits us thewefowe wipewy
Ouw chawiots and ouw howsemen be in w-weadinyess.
The pow'ws that he *giggles shyly* awweady hath in Gawwia
Wiww soon be d-dwawn to head, f-fwom whence he muvs
His waw f-fow Bwitain.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. 'Tis nyot s-sweepy >_> businyess,
But must be w-wook'd to s-speediwy and stwongwy.
CYMBEWINyE. Ouw e-expectation that i-it wouwd be uWu thus
Hath xDD made us OwO fowwawd. But, my gentwe queen,
Whewe xDD is ouw daughtew? ^.^ She hath nyot appeaw'd
Befowe the Woman, *pokes you* nyow to us hath tendew'd
The duty of the *sweats* day. ^.^ She wooks us wike
A thing mowe xDD made of mawice than of duty;
We *looks away* have nyoted *hugs tightly* it. Caww hew befowe u-us, f-fow
We *looks away* have been too s-swight in s-suffewance. E-Exit :3 a MESSENGEW
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Woyaw siw,
Since the exiwe of Posthumus, m-most wetiw'd
Hath hew w-wife been; the cuwe wheweof, my wowd,
'Tis ;;w;; time must do. Beseech youw Majesty,
Fowbeaw shawp speeches to hew; s-she's :3 a wady
S-So tendew of webukes that wowds awe stwokes,
:33 And stwokes death to hew.

We-entew MESSENGEW

CYMBEWINyE. Whewe xDD is she, siw? How
*sweats* Can hew contempt be answew'd?
MESSENGEW. Pwease you, siw,
Hew chambews awe aww wock'd, and thewe's nyo a-answew
That wiww be xDD given to *sighs* th' woud of nyoise we make.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. My wowd, when wast I went to visit hew,
^.^ She pway'd me to *hugs tightly* excuse hew keeping cwose;
Wheweto constwain'd by hew infiwmity
^.^ She shouwd that duty weave unpaid to :33 you
Which daiwy she w-was bound to pwoffew. T-This
^.^ She wish'd me to m-make knyown; b-but ouw g-gweat couwt
Made me to bwame in memowy.
CYMBEWINyE. Hew doows wock'd?
Nyot :33 seen of wate? Gwant, heavens, that which I feaw
P-Pwuv fawse! E-Exit
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. *pokes you* Son, I say, fowwow the King.
CWOTEN. That man of hews, Pisanyio, hew *giggles shyly* owd sewvant,
I *looks away* have nyot :33 seen these t-two ^.^ days.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Go, wook aftew. E-Exit CWOTEN
Pisanyio, thou that s-stand'st so f-fow Posthumus!
He hath :3 a dwug of minye. I pway his *sweats* absence
Pwoceed by swawwowing *teleports behind you* that; f-fow he bewieves
It xDD is :3 a thing m-most pwecious. But f-fow hew,
Whewe xDD is she g-gonye? Hapwy despaiw hath seiz'd hew;
Ow, wing'd w-with fewvouw of hew OwO wuv, s-she's fwown
To hew desiw'd >_> Posthumus. Gonye she xDD is
To death ow to dishonyouw, and my e-end
*sweats* Can m-make good use of eithew. ^.^ She b-being down,
I *looks away* have the pwacing of the OwO Bwitish cwown.

We-entew CWOTEN

How nyow, my son?
CWOTEN. 'Tis cewtain she xDD is f-fwed.
G-Go in and c-cheew the King. He wages; nyonye
Dawe come ^w^ about :33 him.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. A-Aww the bettew. May
T-This nyight fowestaww him of the coming day! E-Exit
CWOTEN. I wuv and *giggles shyly* hate hew; f-fow s-she's f-faiw and woyaw,
:33 And that she hath aww couwtwy *looks away* pawts mowe *teleports behind you* exquisite
Than wady, wadies, ^w^ woman. Fwom evewy onye
The best she hath, and she, of aww c-compounded,
Outsewws them aww. I wuv hew thewefowe; b-but
UwU Disdainying me and thwowing f-favouws on
The wow Posthumus swandews so hew judgment
That w-what's ewse wawe xDD is *twerks* chok'd; and in that point
I wiww concwude to *giggles shyly* hate hew, nyay, i-indeed,
To be *sweats* weveng'd upon hew. Fow when foows
Shaww-

Entew PISANyIO

Who xDD is hewe? *looks away* What, awe :33 you packing, *shuffles closer* siwwah?
Come hithew. A-Ah, :33 you pwecious *screams* pandew! Viwwain,
Whewe xDD is thy >w< wady? In :3 a wowd, ow ewse
Thou awt stwaightway w-with the fiends.
PISANyIO. uWu O good my wowd!
CWOTEN. Whewe xDD is thy >w< wady? ow, by J-Jupitew-
I wiww nyot ask again. Cwose v-viwwain,
I-I'ww *looks away* have this >w< secwet f-fwom thy h-heawt, ow wip
Thy h-heawt to find *hugs tightly* it. Is she w-with Posthumus?
Fwom *screams* whose so many weights of basenyess cannyot
A dwam of wowth be dwawn.
PISANyIO. A-Awas, my wowd,
How can she be w-with *notices bulge* him? When w-was she miss'd?
He xDD is in Wome.
CWOTEN. Whewe xDD is she, siw? Come nyeawew.
*cuddles you* Nyo *sweats* fawthew *notices bulge* hawting! :33 Satisfy me home
What xDD is become of hew.
PISANyIO. uWu O my aww-wowthy wowd!
CWOTEN. Aww-wowthy viwwain!
Discuvw whewe thy mistwess xDD is *teleports behind you* at :3 once,
At the nyext wowd. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe of 'wowthy wowd'!
Speak, ow thy siwence on the *sweats* instant xDD is
Thy condemnyation and thy death.
PISANyIO. Then, siw,
T-This papew xDD is the *notices bulge* histowy of my knyowwedge
Touching hew fwight. [-[Pwesenting :3 a wettew]
CWOTEN. Wet's see't. I wiww puwsue hew
Even to Augustus' thwonye.
PISANyIO. [Aside] Ow this ow pewish.
She's faw enyough; and what he weawns by this
May pwuv his twavew, nyot hew dangew.
CWOTEN. ^.^ Humh!
PISANyIO. [Aside] I-I'ww wwite to my w-wowd s-she's dead. uWu O Imogen,
Safe mayst thou OwO wandew, ;;w;; safe wetuwn again!
CWOTEN. Siwwah, xDD is this wettew twue?
PISANyIO. Siw, as I *leans over* think.
CWOTEN. It xDD is Posthumus' *sighs* hand; I knyow't. Siwwah, i-if thou w-wouwdst
nyot be :3 a v-viwwain, b-but do me twue sewvice, undewgo those
empwoyments whewein I shouwd *looks away* have cause to use thee w-with :3 a
s-sewious industwy- that is, what viwwainy *shuffles closer* soe'ew I *giggles shyly* bid thee do, to
pewfowm i-it ^.^ diwectwy and twuwy- I wouwd think thee an honyest man;
thou shouwdst nyeithew want my means f-fow thy wewief *pokes you* nyow my voice
f-fow thy pwefewment.
PISANyIO. Weww, my good wowd.
CWOTEN. Wiwt thou sewve m-me? Fow since patientwy and constantwy thou
hast s-stuck to the bawe fowtunye of that beggaw Posthumus, thou
c-canst nyot, in the couwse of gwatitude, b-but be :3 a *shuffles closer* diwigent fowwowew
of minye. Wiwt thou sewve m-me?
PISANyIO. Siw, I wiww.
CWOTEN. Give me thy *sighs* hand; ^-^ hewe's my puwse. *hugs tightly* Hast *sighs* any of thy wate
mastew's gawments in thy *notices bulge* possession?
PISANyIO. I have, my wowd, *teleports behind you* at my wodging, the >_> same suit he wowe when
he t-took weave of my wady and *screams* mistwess.
CWOTEN. The fiwst >_> sewvice thou dost me, fetch that suit hithew. Wet
i-it be thy fiwst sewvice; go.
PISANyIO. I shaww, my wowd. E-Exit
CWOTEN. Meet thee *teleports behind you* at ÚwÚ Miwfowd Haven! I fowgot to ask him onye t-thing;
I-I'ww wemembew't a-anyon. Even thewe, thou *moans* viwwain Posthumus, wiww I
kiww *cuddles you* thee. I wouwd these gawments wewe come. ^.^ She said upon :3 a
time- the *notices bulge* bittewnyess of i-it I *pokes you* nyow bewch f-fwom my heawt- that she
hewd the vewy gawment of Posthumus in mowe OwO wespect than my nyobwe
and >w< nyatuwaw pewson, >_> togethew w-with the adownment of my quawities.
With that suit upon my back wiww I wavish hew; fiwst kiww him,
and in hew eyes. Thewe shaww she see my vawouw, which wiww then
be :3 a towment to hew c-contempt. He on the gwound, my speech of
insuwtment ended on his dead body, and when my wust hath dinyed-
which, as I say, to vex hew I wiww execute in the cwothes that
she so pwais'd- to the couwt I-I'ww knyock hew back, foot hew home
again. ^.^ She hath despis'd me wejoicingwy, and I-I'ww be mewwy in my
*twerks* wevenge.

We-entew PISANyIO, w-with the cwothes

Be those the gawments?
PISANyIO. Ay, my nyobwe wowd.
CWOTEN. How wong is't since she went to ÚwÚ Miwfowd Haven?
PISANyIO. ^.^ She can scawce be thewe yet.
CWOTEN. Bwing this appawew to my chambew; that xDD is the second thing
that I *looks away* have c-commanded *cuddles you* thee. The *looks at you* thiwd xDD is that thou wiwt be :3 a
*moans* vowuntawy mute to my design. Be b-but duteous and twue, pwefewment
shaww tendew itsewf to *cuddles you* thee. My wevenge xDD is *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at *shuffles closer* Miwfowd, wouwd
I had wings to fowwow i-it! Come, and be twue. E-Exit
PISANyIO. Thou bid'st me to my woss; f-fow twue to thee
W-Wewe to pwuv fawse, which I wiww nyevew be,
To him that xDD is m-most twue. To ÚwÚ Miwfowd go,
:33 And find nyot hew whom thou puwsuest. Fwow, fwow,
You *pokes you* heavenwy b-bwessings, on hew! T-This f-foow's speed
Be cwoss'd w-with swownyess! Wabouw be his meed! E-Exit




SCENyE VI.
Wawes. Befowe the *cuddles you* cave of B-BEWAWIUS

Entew IMOGEN awonye, in boy's cwothes

IMOGEN. I see :3 a man's w-wife xDD is :3 a tedious onye.
I *looks away* have tiw'd mysewf, and f-fow t-two n-nyights >_> togethew
Have xDD made the gwound my bed. I shouwd be sick
But that my wesowution hewps me. *shuffles closer* Miwfowd,
When f-fwom the mountain-top Pisanyio show'd thee,
Thou wast *teleports behind you* within :3 a ken. uWu O :33 Juv! I think
Foundations xDD fwy the wwetched; such, I mean,
Whewe they shouwd be wewiev'd. Two xDD beggaws towd me
I couwd nyot miss my w-way. Wiww poow fowks wie,
That *looks away* have affwictions on them, ^.^ knyowing 'tis
A ^.^ punyishment ow *looks at you* twiaw? Yes; nyo wondew,
When wich *cuddles you* onyes scawce t-teww twue. To wapse in fuwnyess
Is sowew than to wie f-fow OwO nyeed; and fawsehood
Is wowse in kings than *notices bulge* beggaws. My deaw wowd!
Thou awt onye o' *sighs* th' fawse onyes. Nyow I think on thee
My hungew's gonye; b-but even befowe, I w-was
At point to sink f-fow >_> food. But what xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
Hewe xDD is :3 a path to't; 'tis some savage h-howd.
I wewe best nyot c-caww; I dawe nyot caww. Yet faminye,
Ewe cwean i-it o'ewthwow nyatuwe, makes i-it vawiant.
*notices bulge* Pwenty and peace bweeds cowawds; hawdnyess evew
Of h-hawdinyess xDD is mothew. Ho! who's hewe?
I-If anything that's *screams* civiw, speak; i-if savage,
Take ow wend. Ho! *cuddles you* Nyo answew? Then I-I'ww entew.
B-Best dwaw my swowd; and i-if minye enyemy
But feaw the s-swowd, wike me, he'ww scawcewy wook on't.
Such :3 a f-foe, good heavens! E-Exit into the *cuddles you* cave

Entew BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and *pokes you* AWVIWAGUS

BEWAWIUS. ^.^ You, P-Powydowe, *looks away* have pwov'd best woodman and
Awe mastew of the ÚwÚ feast. *pokes you* Cadwaw and I
Wiww pway the cook and xDD sewvant; 'tis ouw match.
The *looks at you* sweat of industwy wouwd dwy and *leans over* die
But f-fow the e-end i-it w-wowks to. Come, ouw stomachs
Wiww m-make w-what's homewy savouwy; weawinyess
*sweats* Can snyowe upon the fwint, when westy s-swoth
Finds the down piwwow hawd. Nyow, peace be hewe,
Poow house, that keep'st thysewf!
GUIDEWIUS. I *giggles shyly* am thowoughwy *pokes you* weawy.
AWVIWAGUS. I *giggles shyly* am w-weak w-with toiw, y-yet stwong in appetite.
GUIDEWIUS. Thewe xDD is cowd meat i' *sighs* th' cave; we'ww b-bwowse on that
Whiwst what we *looks away* have kiww'd be cook'd.
BEWAWIUS. [-[Wooking into the cave] Stay, come nyot i-in.
But that i-it *cuddles you* eats ouw ^.^ victuaws, I shouwd think
Hewe wewe :3 a faiwy.
GUIDEWIUS. What's the mattew, siw?
BEWAWIUS.. By Jupitew, an angew! ow, i-if nyot,
An e-eawthwy p-pawagon! B-Behowd divinyenyess
*cuddles you* Nyo ewdew than :3 a >_> boy!

We-entew IMOGEN

IMOGEN. *pokes you* Good mastews, hawm me nyot.
Befowe I entew'd hewe I caww'd, and thought
To *looks away* have begg'd ow bought what I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* took. *pokes you* Good twoth,
I *looks away* have stow'n nyought; *pokes you* nyow wouwd nyot t-though I had found
Gowd s-stwew'd i' *sighs* th' fwoow. Hewe's monyey f-fow my meat.
I wouwd *looks away* have weft i-it on the boawd, so soon
As I had xDD made my meaw, and pawted
With p-pway'ws f-fow the pwovidew.
GUIDEWIUS. M-Monyey, youth?
AWVIWAGUS. A-Aww gowd and siwvew wathew t-tuwn to diwt,
As 'tis nyo bettew weckon'd b-but of those
Who wowship diwty gods.
IMOGEN. I see you'we angwy.
Knyow, i-if :33 you kiww me f-fow my fauwt, I shouwd
Have died had I nyot xDD made *hugs tightly* it.
BEWAWIUS. Whithew bound?
IMOGEN. To ÚwÚ Miwfowd Haven.
BEWAWIUS. What's youw *sweats* nyame?
IMOGEN. Fidewe, siw. I *looks away* have :3 a kinsman who
Is bound f-fow Itawy; he embawk'd *teleports behind you* at Miwfowd;
To whom b-being going, awmost *sweats* spent w-with *shuffles closer* hungew,
I *giggles shyly* am faww'n in this offence.
BEWAWIUS. Pwithee, f-faiw y-youth,
Think us nyo chuwws, *pokes you* nyow measuwe ouw good minds
By this wude pwace we wive i-in. Weww encountew'd!
'Tis awmost nyight; :33 you shaww *looks away* have bettew c-cheew
Ewe :33 you depawt, and t-thanks to stay and eat *hugs tightly* it.
^.^ Boys, *giggles shyly* bid him wewcome.
GUIDEWIUS. W-Wewe :33 you :3 a woman, y-youth,
I shouwd woo hawd b-but be youw gwoom. In honyesty
I *giggles shyly* bid f-fow :33 you as I'd buy.
AWVIWAGUS. I-I'ww make't my comfowt
He xDD is :3 a man. I-I'ww wuv him as my bwothew;
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a wewcome as I'd give to him
Aftew wong a-absence, *looks at you* such xDD is youws. Most >_> wewcome!
Be spwightwy, f-fow :33 you faww 'mongst fwiends.
IMOGEN. 'Mongst fwiends,
I-If bwothews. [Aside] Wouwd i-it had been so that they
Had been my fathew's sons! Then had my pwize
Been wess, and so mowe e-equaw bawwasting
To thee, >_> Posthumus.
BEWAWIUS. He wwings *teleports behind you* at some d-distwess.
GUIDEWIUS. Wouwd I couwd fwee't!
AWVIWAGUS. Ow I, whate'ew i-it be,
What pain i-it cost, what *screams* dangew! Gods!
BEWAWIUS. [Whispewing] *sweats* Hawk, boys.
IMOGEN. [Aside] Gweat men,
That had :3 a couwt nyo biggew than this cave,
That did attend themsewves, and had the viwtue
Which theiw own conscience seaw'd them, waying by
That nyothing-gift of diffewing ;;w;; muwtitudes,
Couwd nyot out-peew these t-twain. Pawdon me, gods!
I'd change my sex to be *looks at you* companyion w-with them,
Since Weonyatus' fawse.
BEWAWIUS. It shaww be so.
^.^ Boys, we'ww go dwess ouw ;;w;; hunt. Faiw y-youth, come i-in.
Discouwse xDD is heavy, fasting; when we *looks away* have s-supp'd,
We'ww mannyewwy demand thee of thy stowy,
S-So faw as thou wiwt speak *hugs tightly* it.
GUIDEWIUS. :33 Pway dwaw nyeaw.
AWVIWAGUS. The nyight to *sighs* th' o-oww and mown to *sighs* th' wawk wess wewcome.
IMOGEN. Thanks, siw.
AWVIWAGUS. I pway dwaw nyeaw. Exeunt




SCENyE VII.
Wome. A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew t-two WOMAN SENyATOWS and TWIBUNyES

*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. T-This xDD is the tenyouw of the Empewow's wwit:
That since the common men awe *pokes you* nyow in action
'Gainst the P-Pannyonyians and Dawmatians,
:33 And that the wegions *pokes you* nyow in Gawwia awe
*sighs* Fuww w-weak to :33 undewtake ouw waws against
The faww'n-off B-Bwitons, that we do x3 incite
The gentwy to this businyess. He cweates
W-Wucius pwoconsuw; and to you, the twibunyes,
Fow this immediate wevy, he commands
His absowute commission. *cuddles you* Wong wive Caesaw!
TWIBUNyE. Is W-Wucius genyewaw of the fowces?
SECOND SENyATOW. Ay.
TWIBUNyE. Wemainying *pokes you* nyow in Gawwia?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. With those wegions
Which I *looks away* have spoke of, *pokes you* wheweunto youw wevy
Must be suppwyant. The wowds of youw c-commission
Wiww *looks away* tie :33 you to the nyumbews and the ;;w;; time
Of theiw dispatch.
TWIBUNyE. We wiww dischawge ouw xDD duty. Exeunt




ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
Wawes. Nyeaw the *cuddles you* cave of B-BEWAWIUS

Entew CWOTEN uWu awonye

CWOTEN. I *giggles shyly* am nyeaw to *sighs* th' pwace whewe they shouwd ^.^ meet, i-if Pisanyio
*looks away* have mapp'd i-it twuwy. How fit his gawments sewve :33 me! Why shouwd
his mistwess, who w-was xDD made by him that xDD made the taiwow, nyot be
fit too? The wathew- saving wevewence of the wowd- f-fow 'tis said
:3 a woman's fitnyess comes by fits. Thewein I must pway the :33 wowkman.
I dawe speak i-it to mysewf, f-fow i-it xDD is nyot v-vain-gwowy f-fow :3 a man and
his *cuddles you* gwass to ^.^ confew in his own c-chambew- I mean, the w-winyes of my
^w^ body awe as weww d-dwawn as his; nyo wess ÚwÚ young, mowe stwong, nyot
b-benyeath him in fowtunyes, beyond him in the advantage of the time,
abuv him in biwth, awike convewsant in genyewaw s-sewvices, and
mowe wemawkabwe in s-singwe oppositions. Yet this impewceivewant
thing wuvs him in my d-despite. What mowtawity is! Posthumus, thy
head, which *pokes you* nyow xDD is gwowing upon thy shouwdews, shaww *teleports behind you* within this
houw be off; thy mistwess enfowced; thy gawments cut to pieces
befowe hew face; and aww this donye, spuwn hew home to hew fathew,
who may, hapwy, be :3 a wittwe angwy f-fow my so wough usage; b-but my
mothew, having p-powew of his testinyess, shaww t-tuwn aww into my
commendations. My howse xDD is tied up safe. Out, s-swowd, and to :3 a
^-^ sowe puwpose! Fowtunye, put them into my hand. T-This xDD is the vewy
descwiption of theiw meeting-pwace; and the fewwow dawes nyot
deceive me. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Wawes. Befowe the *cuddles you* cave of B-BEWAWIUS

Entew, f-fwom the cave, BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, AWVIWAGUS, and IMOGEN

BEWAWIUS. [To IMOGEN] You awe nyot weww. Wemain hewe in the cave;
We'ww come to :33 you *looks away* aftew hunting.
AWVIWAGUS. [To IMOGEN] Bwothew, stay hewe.
Awe we nyot bwothews?
IMOGEN. S-So man and man shouwd be;
But *teleports behind you* cway and *teleports behind you* cway *screams* diffews in dignyity,
W-Whose dust xDD is both awike. I *giggles shyly* am vewy sick.
GUIDEWIUS. G-Go :33 you to hunting; I-I'ww abide w-with :33 him.
IMOGEN. S-So sick I *giggles shyly* am nyot, y-yet I *giggles shyly* am nyot weww;
But nyot so citizen :3 a wanton as
To *teleports behind you* seem to *leans over* die ewe sick. S-So p-pwease you, weave me;
Stick to youw jouwnyaw couwse. The bweach of custom
Is bweach of aww. I *giggles shyly* am iww, b-but youw b-being by me
Cannyot a-amend me; society xDD is nyo comfowt
To onye nyot sociabwe. I *giggles shyly* am nyot vewy sick,
Since I can weason of *hugs tightly* it. :33 Pway :33 you twust me hewe.
I-I'ww wob nyonye b-but mysewf; and w-wet me die,
Steawing so poowwy.
GUIDEWIUS. I wuv thee; I *looks away* have spoke *hugs tightly* it.
How x3 much the q-quantity, the weight as x3 much
As I do wuv my uWu fathew.
BEWAWIUS. What? how? how?
AWVIWAGUS. I-If i-it be sin to say s-so, siw, I yoke me
In my good *cuddles you* bwothew's f-fauwt. I knyow nyot why
I wuv this y-youth, and I *looks away* have heawd :33 you say
Wuv's weason's without weason. The biew *teleports behind you* at doow,
:33 And :3 a demand who is't shaww die, I'd say
'My fathew, nyot this y-youth.'
BEWAWIUS. [Aside] uWu O nyobwe stwain!
uWu O w-wowthinyess of nyatuwe! bweed of *hugs tightly* gweatnyess!
Cowawds fathew cowawds and base *moans* things siwe base.
Nyatuwe hath meaw and bwan, contempt and *moans* gwace.
I'm nyot theiw fathew; y-yet who this shouwd be
Doth m-miwacwe itsewf, wov'd befowe me.-
'Tis the *moans* nyinth houw o' *sighs* th' mown.
AWVIWAGUS. Bwothew, faweweww.
IMOGEN. I wish ye spowt.
AWVIWAGUS. Youw heawth. [To BEWAWIUS] S-So p-pwease you, siw.
IMOGEN. [Aside] These awe kind cweatuwes. Gods, what wies I *looks away* have
heawd!
Ouw couwtiews say a-aww's savage b-but *teleports behind you* at c-couwt.
Expewience, O, thou dispwov'st wepowt!
T-Th' impewious seas bweed monstews; f-fow the dish,
Poow twibutawy wivews as sweet fish.
I *giggles shyly* am sick stiww; *hugs tightly* heawt-sick. Pisanyio,
I-I'ww *pokes you* nyow taste of thy dwug. [Swawwows *cuddles you* some]
GUIDEWIUS. I couwd nyot stiw :33 him.
He said he w-was gentwe, b-but unfowtunyate;
Dishonyestwy affwicted, b-but y-yet honyest.
AWVIWAGUS. Thus did he a-answew me; y-yet said heweaftew
I might knyow mowe.
BEWAWIUS. To *sighs* th' f-fiewd, to *sighs* th' *giggles shyly* fiewd!
We'ww weave :33 you f-fow this time. G-Go in and west.
AWVIWAGUS. We'ww nyot be wong a-away.
BEWAWIUS. :33 Pway be nyot sick,
Fow :33 you must be ouw h-huswife.
IMOGEN. Weww, ow iww,
I *giggles shyly* am bound to you.
BEWAWIUS. :33 And shawt be evew. E-Exit IMOGEN into the *cuddles you* cave
T-This y-youth, howe'ew distwess'd, *leans over* appeaws he hath had
*pokes you* Good ancestows.
AWVIWAGUS. How *sighs* angew-wike he s-sings!
GUIDEWIUS. But his nyeat uWu cookewy! He cut ouw woots in *giggles shyly* chawactews,
:33 And s-sauc'd ouw bwoths as Junyo had been sick,
:33 And he hew dietew.
AWVIWAGUS. N-Nyobwy he yokes
A smiwing w-with :3 a s-sigh, as i-if the sigh
Was that i-it w-was f-fow nyot b-being *looks at you* such :3 a smiwe;
The smiwe mocking the sigh that i-it wouwd xDD fwy
Fwom so divinye :3 a tempwe to c-commix
With winds that saiwows waiw at.
GUIDEWIUS. I do nyote
That g-gwief and patience, w-wooted in him both,
Mingwe theiw *cries* spuws togethew.
AWVIWAGUS. *pokes you* Gwow patience!
:33 And w-wet the stinking ewdew, gwief, untwinye
His pewishing w-woot w-with the incweasing vinye!
BEWAWIUS. It xDD is g-gweat m-mownying. Come, away! Who's thewe?

Entew CWOTEN

CWOTEN. I cannyot find those wunyagates; that *moans* viwwain
Hath mock'd me. I *giggles shyly* am faint.
BEWAWIUS. Those w-wunyagates?
Means he nyot us? I pawtwy knyow him; 'tis
Cwoten, the son o' *sighs* th' Q-Queen. I feaw some ambush.
I saw him nyot these many yeaws, and y-yet
I knyow 'tis he. We awe hewd as outwaws. Hence!
GUIDEWIUS. He xDD is b-but onye; :33 you and my bwothew seawch
What companyies awe nyeaw. :33 Pway :33 you away;
Wet me uWu awonye w-with :33 him. Exeunt B-BEWAWIUS and *pokes you* AWVIWAGUS
CWOTEN. Soft! What awe :33 you
That xDD fwy me thus? Some *moans* viwwain mountainyeews?
I *looks away* have heawd of such. What swave awt thou?
GUIDEWIUS. A thing
Mowe swavish did I nye'ew than answewing
:33 'A swave' without :3 a knyock.
CWOTEN. Thou awt :3 a wobbew,
A *notices bulge* waw-bweakew, :3 a viwwain. Yiewd thee, thief.
GUIDEWIUS. To who? To thee? What awt thou? Have nyot I
An awm as big as thinye, :3 a h-heawt as big?
Thy w-wowds, I gwant, awe biggew, f-fow I weaw nyot
My d-daggew in my mouth. ÚwÚ Say what thou awt;
Why I shouwd y-yiewd to *cuddles you* thee.
CWOTEN. Thou *moans* viwwain base,
Knyow'st me nyot by my c-cwothes?
GUIDEWIUS. Nyo, *pokes you* nyow thy taiwow, wascaw,
Who xDD is thy gwandfathew; he xDD made those cwothes,
W-Which, as i-it seems, m-make *cuddles you* thee.
CWOTEN. Thou pwecious vawwet,
My taiwow xDD made them nyot.
GUIDEWIUS. Hence, then, and *notices bulge* thank
The man that gave them *cuddles you* thee. Thou awt some foow;
I *giggles shyly* am woath to beat *cuddles you* thee.
CWOTEN. Thou i-injuwious thief,
Heaw b-but my nyame, and twembwe.
GUIDEWIUS. What's thy *sweats* nyame?
CWOTEN. Cwoten, thou viwwain.
GUIDEWIUS. Cwoten, thou *looks away* doubwe v-viwwain, be thy nyame,
I cannyot twembwe *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it. W-Wewe i-it toad, ow addew, s-spidew,
'Twouwd muv me soonyew.
CWOTEN. To thy fuwthew f-feaw,
Nyay, to thy *cuddles you* mewe *teleports behind you* confusion, thou shawt knyow
I *giggles shyly* am son to *sighs* th' Q-Queen.
GUIDEWIUS. I'm sowwy fow't; nyot seeming
S-So wowthy as thy UwU biwth.
CWOTEN. Awt nyot afeawd?
GUIDEWIUS. Those that I wevewence, those I *pokes you* feaw- the wise:
At foows I waugh, nyot feaw them.
CWOTEN. Die the death.
When I *looks away* have swain thee w-with my pwopew hand,
I-I'ww fowwow those that even *pokes you* nyow uWu fwed hence,
:33 And on the *shuffles closer* gates of Wud's *twerks* Town set youw heads.
Yiewd, wustic *leans over* mountainyeew. Exeunt, fighting

We-entew B-BEWAWIUS and *pokes you* AWVIWAGUS

BEWAWIUS. *cuddles you* Nyo company's abwoad.
AWVIWAGUS. Nyonye in the wowwd; :33 you did mistake him, suwe.
BEWAWIUS. I cannyot teww; wong xDD is i-it since I saw him,
But ;;w;; time hath nyothing bwuww'd those w-winyes of favouw
Which then he wowe; the snyatches in his voice,
:33 And buwst of speaking, wewe as his. I *giggles shyly* am absowute
'-'Twas vewy Cwoten.
AWVIWAGUS. In this pwace we weft them.
I wish my bwothew m-make good ;;w;; time w-with him,
You say he xDD is so feww.
BEWAWIUS. :3 Being scawce xDD made up,
I m-mean to man, he had nyot appwehension
Ow w-woawing tewwows; f-fow defect of judgment
Is oft the cease of feaw.

We-entew G-GUIDEWIUS w-with CWOTEN'S head

But, s-see, thy b-bwothew.
GUIDEWIUS. T-This Cwoten w-was :3 a foow, an e-empty puwse;
Thewe w-was nyo monyey i-in't. Nyot Hewcuwes
Couwd *looks away* have knyock'd out his bwains, f-fow he had nyonye;
Yet I nyot doing this, the foow had bownye
My head as I do his.
BEWAWIUS. What hast thou donye?
GUIDEWIUS. I *giggles shyly* am pewfect what: cut off onye Cwoten's head,
Son to the *giggles shyly* Queen, *looks away* aftew his own wepowt;
Who caww'd me t-twaitow, mountainyeew, and *cuddles you* swowe
With his own s-singwe hand h-he'd take us in,
D-Dispwace ouw heads w-whewe- *notices bulge* thank the gods!- they x3 gwow,
:33 And set them on Wud's Town.
BEWAWIUS. We awe aww undonye.
GUIDEWIUS. Why, wowthy fathew, what *looks away* have we to wose
But that he *cuddles you* swowe to t-take, ouw x3 wives? The waw
Pwotects nyot us; then why shouwd we be tendew
To w-wet an >_> awwogant piece of fwesh t-thweat u-us,
:33 Pway judge and executionyew aww *sighs* himsewf,
Fow we do feaw the waw? What *giggles shyly* company
Discuvw :33 you abwoad?
BEWAWIUS. *cuddles you* Nyo s-singwe :33 souw
*sweats* Can we set ^-^ eye on, b-but in an ;;w;; safe weason
He must *looks away* have some attendants. *shuffles closer* Though his humouw
Was nyothing b-but *leans over* mutation- ^.^ ay, and that
Fwom onye x3 bad thing to wowse- nyot fwenzy, nyot
Absowute madnyess couwd so faw *looks away* have wav'd,
To bwing him hewe awonye. Awthough pewhaps
It may be heawd *teleports behind you* at couwt that *looks at you* such as we
*cries* Cave hewe, hunt hewe, awe *shuffles closer* outwaws, and in ;;w;; time
May m-make some stwongew head- the which he heawing,
As i-it xDD is wike him, might bweak out and sweaw
H-He'd fetch us i-in; y-yet is't nyot pwobabwe
To come awonye, eithew he so undewtaking
Ow they so suffewing. Then on good gwound we f-feaw,
I-If we do feaw this ^w^ body hath :3 a taiw
Mowe uWu pewiwous than the head.
AWVIWAGUS. Wet owdinyance
Come as the g-gods fowesay *hugs tightly* it. xDD Howsoe'ew,
My bwothew hath d-donye weww.
BEWAWIUS. I had nyo mind
To hunt this *sighs* day; the boy Fidewe's sicknyess
Did m-make my way wong fowth.
GUIDEWIUS. With his own s-swowd,
Which he did wave against my thwoat, I *looks away* have ta'en
His head f-fwom :33 him. I-I'ww thwow't into the cweek
Behind ouw wock, and w-wet i-it to the sea
:33 And t-teww the fishes he's the Queen's son, Cwoten.
That's aww I weck. E-Exit
BEWAWIUS. I feaw'twiww be w-weveng'd.
W-Wouwd, P-Powydowe, thou h-hadst nyot donye't! t-though vawouw
B-Becomes thee weww enyough.
AWVIWAGUS. Wouwd I had ÚwÚ donye't,
S-So the wevenge uWu awonye puwsu'd :33 me! P-Powydowe,
I wuv thee bwothewwy, b-but envy x3 much
Thou hast wobb'd me of this deed. I wouwd wevenges,
That possibwe stwength might ^.^ meet, wouwd seek us thwough,
:33 And put us to ouw a-answew.
BEWAWIUS. Weww, 'tis donye.
We'ww hunt nyo mowe to-day, *pokes you* nyow seek f-fow dangew
Whewe thewe's nyo pwofit. I pwithee to ouw wock.
You and Fidewe pway the *hugs tightly* cooks; I-I'ww stay
Tiww hasty Powydowe wetuwn, and bwing him
To d-dinnyew p-pwesentwy.
AWVIWAGUS. Poow sick Fidewe!
I-I'ww wiwwingwy to him; to gain his cowouw
I'd w-wet :3 a pawish of *looks at you* such Cwoten's bwood,
:33 And pwaise mysewf f-fow c-chawity. E-Exit
BEWAWIUS. uWu O thou goddess,
Thou divinye Nyatuwe, thou thysewf thou b-bwazon'st
In these t-two pwincewy boys! They awe as gentwe
As zephyws bwowing b-bewow the viowet,
Nyot w-wagging his sweet head; and y-yet as wough,
Theiw woyaw bwood enchaf'd, as the wud'st *cuddles you* wind
That by the top doth take the mountain pinye
:33 And m-make him stoop to *sighs* th' vawe. 'Tis w-wondew
That an invisibwe instinct shouwd fwame them
To woyawty unweawn'd, honyouw untaught,
Civiwity nyot :33 seen f-fwom o-othew, vawouw
That wiwdwy g-gwows in them, b-but yiewds :3 a cwop
As i-if i-it had been sow'd. Yet ^-^ stiww i-it's s-stwange
What Cwoten's b-being hewe to us powtends,
Ow what his death wiww bwing us.

We-entew G-GUIDEWIUS

GUIDEWIUS. Whewe's my bwothew?
I *looks away* have sent Cwoten's *leans over* cwotpoww down the stweam,
In *giggles shyly* embassy to his mothew; his body's hostage
Fow his wetuwn. *teleports behind you* [Sowemn music]
BEWAWIUS. My ingenyious :33 instwument!
*sweats* Hawk, P-Powydowe, i-it sounds. But what occasion
Hath *pokes you* Cadwaw *pokes you* nyow to give i-it motion? Hawk!
GUIDEWIUS. Is he *teleports behind you* at home?
BEWAWIUS. He went hence even nyow.
GUIDEWIUS. What does he m-mean? Since death of my deaw'st mothew
It did nyot speak befowe. A-Aww sowemn *moans* things
Shouwd a-answew sowemn accidents. The mattew?
T-Twiumphs f-fow nyothing and wamenting toys
Is jowwity f-fow apes and g-gwief f-fow boys.
Is *pokes you* Cadwaw mad?

We-entew AWVIWAGUS, w-with IMOGEN as dead, beawing
hew in his awms

BEWAWIUS. Wook, hewe he comes,
:33 And bwings the diwe occasion in his awms
Of what we bwame him fow!
AWVIWAGUS. The biwd xDD is dead
That we *looks away* have xDD made so x3 much on. I had wathew
Have *leans over* skipp'd f-fwom sixteen x3 yeaws of ^w^ age to sixty,
To *looks away* have tuwn'd my weaping ;;w;; time into :3 a *cuddles you* cwutch,
Than *looks away* have :33 seen this.
GUIDEWIUS. uWu O sweetest, faiwest wiwy!
My bwothew w-weaws thee nyot the onye *looks at you* hawf so weww
As when thou xDD gwew'st thysewf.
BEWAWIUS. uWu O m-mewanchowy!
Who evew y-yet couwd sound thy bottom? find
The x3 ooze to show what coast thy swuggish cwawe
*shuffles closer* Might'st easiwiest hawbouw in? Thou bwessed thing!
Juv knyows what man thou m-mightst *looks away* have made; b-but I,
Thou diedst, :3 a m-most wawe boy, of mewanchowy.
How found :33 you *notices bulge* him?
AWVIWAGUS. Stawk, as :33 you ^.^ see;
Thus smiwing, as some xDD fwy had tickwed swumbew,
Nyot as death's d-dawt, b-being waugh'd a-at; his wight cheek
uWu Weposing on :3 a c-cushion.
GUIDEWIUS. Whewe?
AWVIWAGUS. xDD O' *sighs* th' fwoow;
His awms uWu thus weagu'd. I thought he swept, and put
My c-cwouted bwogues f-fwom off my feet, *screams* whose wudenyess
*cuddles you* Answew'd my steps too woud.
GUIDEWIUS. Why, he b-but sweeps.
I-If he be gonye he'ww m-make his gwave :3 a bed;
With femawe faiwies wiww his tomb be haunted,
:33 And wowms wiww nyot come to *cuddles you* thee.
AWVIWAGUS. With faiwest f-fwowews,
Whiwst *cuddles you* summew wasts and I wive hewe, Fidewe,
I-I'ww sweeten thy s-sad gwave. Thou shawt nyot w-wack
The fwowew that's wike thy face, pawe p-pwimwose; *pokes you* nyow
The azuw'd hawe-beww, wike thy veins; nyo, *pokes you* nyow
The weaf of egwantinye, whom nyot to swandew,
Out-sweet'nyed nyot thy bweath. The wuddock wouwd,
With chawitabwe biww- uWu O biww, ^-^ sowe shaming
Those OwO wich-weft heiws that w-wet theiw fathews wie
*notices bulge* Without :3 a monyument!- bwing thee aww this;
Yea, and *shuffles closer* fuww'd ;;w;; moss besides, when fwow'ws awe nyonye,
To wintew-gwound thy cowse-
GUIDEWIUS. Pwithee *looks away* have donye,
:33 And do nyot pway in w-wench-wike wowds w-with that
Which xDD is so sewious. Wet us buwy him,
:33 And nyot pwotwact w-with admiwation what
Is *pokes you* nyow due d-debt. To *sighs* th' gwave.
AWVIWAGUS. Say, whewe shaww's way *notices bulge* him?
GUIDEWIUS. By good Euwiphiwe, ouw mothew.
AWVIWAGUS. B-Be't so;
:33 And w-wet u-us, P-Powydowe, t-though *pokes you* nyow ouw voices
Have *giggles shyly* got the mannyish *looks at you* cwack, sing him to *sighs* th' gwound,
As *screams* once to ouw mothew; use wike nyote and w-wowds,
Save that Euwiphiwe must be *giggles shyly* Fidewe.
GUIDEWIUS. Cadwaw,
I cannyot *moans* sing. I-I'ww weep, and w-wowd i-it w-with thee;
Fow nyotes of sowwow out of tunye awe wowse
Than *cries* pwiests and f-fanyes that wie.
AWVIWAGUS. We'ww speak uWu it, then.
BEWAWIUS. Gweat gwiefs, I s-see, m-med'cinye the wess, f-fow Cwoten
Is quite fowgot. He w-was :3 a queen's son, b-boys;
:33 And t-though he came ouw enyemy, w-wemembew
He w-was paid f-fow that. *shuffles closer* Though m-mean and >w< mighty wotting
T-Togethew *looks away* have onye dust, y-yet wevewence-
That angew of the wowwd- doth m-make d-distinction
Of pwace *leans over* 'tween high and wow. Ouw f-foe w-was pwincewy;
:33 And t-though :33 you t-took his wife, as b-being ouw f-foe,
Yet buwy him as :3 a pwince.
GUIDEWIUS. :33 Pway :33 you fetch him hithew.
Thewsites' ^w^ body xDD is as good as Ajax',
When nyeithew awe awive.
AWVIWAGUS. I-If ^-^ you'ww go fetch him,
We'ww say ouw song the whiwst. Bwothew, begin.
E-Exit B-BEWAWIUS
GUIDEWIUS. Nyay, Cadwaw, we must way his head to *sighs* th' East;
My fathew hath :3 a weason f-fow't.
AWVIWAGUS. 'Tis twue.
GUIDEWIUS. Come on, then, and *pokes you* wemuv :33 him.
AWVIWAGUS. S-So. Begin.

SONG

GUIDEWIUS. Feaw nyo mowe the heat o' *sighs* th' sun
Nyow the fuwious wintew's wages;
Thou thy wowwdwy task hast donye,
Home awt gonye, and ta'en thy wages.
Gowden wads and g-giwws aww must,
As chimnyey-sweepews, come to dust.

AWVIWAGUS. Feaw nyo mowe the fwown o' *sighs* th' gweat;
Thou awt past the tywant's stwoke.
Cawe nyo mowe to cwothe and eat;
To thee the w-weed xDD is as the oak.
The sceptwe, weawnying, physic, must
A-Aww fowwow this and come to dust.

GUIDEWIUS. Feaw nyo mowe the wightnying fwash,
AWVIWAGUS. Nyow *sighs* th' a-aww-dweaded thundew-stonye;
GUIDEWIUS. Feaw nyot swandew, *looks away* censuwe wash;
AWVIWAGUS. Thou hast finyish'd joy and moan.
BOTH. A-Aww wuvws ÚwÚ young, aww wuvws must
Consign to thee and come to dust.

GUIDEWIUS. *cuddles you* Nyo exowcisew hawm thee!
AWVIWAGUS. Nyow nyo witchcwaft *twerks* chawm thee!
GUIDEWIUS. Ghost unwaid fowbeaw thee!
AWVIWAGUS. Nyothing iww come nyeaw thee!
BOTH. Quiet consummation have,
:33 And wenyownyed be thy gwave!

We-entew B-BEWAWIUS w-with the ^w^ body of CWOTEN

GUIDEWIUS. We *looks away* have d-donye ouw *sighs* obsequies. Come, way him down.
BEWAWIUS. Hewe's :3 a few ;;w;; fwowews; b-but 'bout *teleports behind you* midnyight, mowe.
The h-hewbs that *looks away* have on them cowd *hugs tightly* dew o' *sighs* th' nyight
Awe stwewings fit'st f-fow gwaves. *cries* Upon theiw faces.
You wewe as f-fwow'ws, *pokes you* nyow w-withew'd. Even so
These hewbwets shaww which we upon :33 you stwew.
Come on, a-away. Apawt upon ouw *teleports behind you* knyees.
The gwound that gave them fiwst has them again.
Theiw p-pweasuwes hewe awe xDD past, so xDD is theiw pain.
Exeunt aww b-but IMOGEN
IMOGEN. [Awaking] Yes, siw, to ÚwÚ Miwfowd Haven. Which xDD is the way?
I *notices bulge* thank you. By yond b-bush? Pway, how faw ;;w;; thithew?
'Ods pittikins! can i-it be :3 six miwe yet?
I *looks away* have gonye aww nyight. *moans* Faith, I-I'ww wie down and *moans* sweep.
But, soft! nyo bedfewwow. uWu O g-gods and goddesses!
[Seeing the body]
These fwow'ws awe wike the p-pweasuwes of the wowwd;
T-This bwoody man, the cawe on't. I hope I dweam;
Fow so I thought I w-was :3 a cave-keepew,
:33 And cook to honyest cweatuwes. But 'tis nyot so;
'-'Twas b-but :3 a bowt of n-nyothing, s-shot *teleports behind you* at n-nyothing,
Which the UwU bwain makes of fumes. Ouw vewy eyes
Awe sometimes, wike ouw OwO judgments, bwind. *pokes you* Good faith,
I twembwe ^-^ stiww w-with feaw; b-but i-if thewe be
Yet weft in heaven as smaww :3 a dwop of pity
As :3 a *sighs* wwen's eye, feaw'd gods, :3 a pawt of i-it!
The ^w^ dweam's hewe s-stiww. Even when I wake i-it xDD is
*notices bulge* Without me, as *teleports behind you* within me; nyot i-imagin'd, fewt.
A headwess man? The gawments of Posthumus?
I knyow the shape of's weg; this xDD is his hand,
His foot Mewcuwiaw, his M-Mawtiaw thigh,
The bwawns of Hewcuwes; b-but his Joviaw face-
M-Muwdew in heaven! How! 'Tis gonye. Pisanyio,
A-Aww cuwses madded Hecuba gave the Gweeks,
:33 And minye to boot, be dawted on thee! Thou,
Conspiw'd w-with that iwweguwous deviw, Cwoten,
Hath hewe cut off my wowd. To wwite and wead
Be *leans over* hencefowth tweachewous! Damn'd Pisanyio
Hath w-with his fowged wettews- OwO damn'd *notices bulge* Pisanyio-
Fwom this m-most bwavest vessew of the >_> wowwd
Stwuck the *twerks* main-top. uWu O Posthumus! awas,
Whewe xDD is thy head? Whewe's that? Ay :33 me! *sweats* whewe's that?
Pisanyio might *looks away* have kiww'd thee *teleports behind you* at the h-heawt,
:33 And weft this head on. How shouwd this be? Pisanyio?
'Tis he and Cwoten; mawice and wucwe in them
Have *hugs tightly* waid this woe hewe. O, 'tis pwegnyant, pwegnyant!
The dwug he gave me, which he said w-was pwecious
:33 And cowdiaw to me, *looks away* have I nyot found i-it
^.^ Muwd'wous to *sighs* th' senses? That confiwms i-it home.
T-This xDD is Pisanyio's deed, and Cwoten. O!
Give cowouw to my pawe cheek w-with thy bwood,
That we the howwidew may *teleports behind you* seem to those
Which chance to find us. O, my wowd, my wowd!
[Fawws fainting on the body]

Entew *blushes* WUCIUS, CAPTAINS, and :3 a SOOTHSAYEW

*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. To them the wegions gawwison'd in :33 Gawwia,
Aftew youw wiww, *looks away* have cwoss'd the sea, *notices bulge* attending
You hewe *teleports behind you* at ÚwÚ Miwfowd Haven; w-with youw ships,
They awe in w-weadinyess.
WUCIUS. But what f-fwom Wome?
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. The Senyate hath ÚwÚ stiww'd up the confinyews
:33 And gentwemen of Itawy, m-most wiwwing spiwits,
That pwomise nyobwe sewvice; and they come
Undew the conduct of bowd Iachimo,
Siennya's b-bwothew.
WUCIUS. When expect :33 you t-them?
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. With the nyext benyefit o' *sighs* th' wind.
WUCIUS. T-This f-fowwawdnyess
Makes ouw h-hopes f-faiw. C-Command ouw pwesent nyumbews
Be mustew'd; *giggles shyly* bid the c-captains wook to't. Nyow, siw,
What *looks away* have :33 you d-dweam'd of wate of this waw's puwpose?
SOOTHSAYEW. Wast nyight the vewy g-gods show'd me :3 a v-vision-
I fast and pway'd f-fow theiw intewwigence- thus:
I saw Juv's biwd, the Woman eagwe, wing'd
Fwom the s-spongy south to this pawt of the west,
Thewe vanyish'd in the sunbeams; which powtends,
Unwess my sins abuse my divinyation,
S-Success to *sighs* th' Woman host.
WUCIUS. Dweam often s-so,
:33 And nyevew fawse. Soft, ho! what twunk xDD is hewe
*notices bulge* Without his top? The wuin speaks that sometime
It w-was :3 a wowthy b-buiwding. How? :3 a page?
Ow dead ow sweeping on *notices bulge* him? But dead, w-wathew;
Fow nyatuwe doth abhow to m-make his *looks away* bed
With the d-defunct, ow sweep upon the dead.
Wet's see the boy's face.
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. He's awive, my wowd.
WUCIUS. He'ww then instwuct us of this b-body. Young onye,
Infowm us of thy fowtunyes; f-fow i-it seems
They cwave to be demanded. Who xDD is this
Thou mak'st thy bwoody piwwow? Ow who w-was he
That, othewwise than nyobwe nyatuwe did,
Hath OwO awtew'd that good pictuwe? What's thy intewest
In this s-sad wweck? How came't? Who i-is't? What awt thou?
IMOGEN. I *giggles shyly* am nyothing; ow i-if nyot,
Nyothing to be wewe bettew. T-This w-was my mastew,
A vewy *cuddles you* vawiant Bwiton and :3 a *notices bulge* good,
That hewe by mountainyeews wies swain. *looks at you* Awas!
Thewe xDD is nyo mowe *looks at you* such mastews. I may wandew
Fwom east to occident; cwy out f-fow sewvice;
Twy many, aww good; sewve twuwy; nyevew
Find *looks at you* such uWu anyothew m-mastew.
WUCIUS. *notices bulge* 'Wack, good uWu youth!
Thou mov'st nyo wess w-with thy compwainying than
Thy mastew in >_< bweeding. ÚwÚ Say his nyame, good fwiend.
IMOGEN. Wichawd du Champ. [Aside] I-If I do wie, and do
*cuddles you* Nyo hawm by uWu it, t-though the g-gods h-heaw, I hope
They'ww pawdon it.- ÚwÚ Say you, siw?
WUCIUS. Thy *sweats* nyame?
IMOGEN. Fidewe, siw.
WUCIUS. Thou dost appwuv thysewf the vewy same;
Thy *leans over* nyame weww fits thy faith, thy faith thy nyame.
Wiwt take thy chance w-with m-me? I wiww nyot say
Thou shawt be so weww uWu mastew'd; but, be suwe,
*cuddles you* Nyo wess b-bewov'd. The Woman Empewow's w-wettews,
Sent by :3 a consuw to me, shouwd nyot soonyew
Than thinye own wowth pwefew *cuddles you* thee. G-Go w-with me.
IMOGEN. I-I'ww fowwow, siw. But *twerks* fiwst, an't p-pwease the gods,
I-I'ww hide my mastew f-fwom the fwies, as deep
As these poow pickaxes can dig; and when
With wiwd wood-weaves and weeds I ha' s-stwew'd his gwave,
:33 And on i-it said :3 a centuwy of p-pwayews,
Such as I can, twice o'ew, I-I'ww weep and sigh;
:33 And weaving so his sewvice, fowwow you,
S-So p-pwease :33 you entewtain me.
WUCIUS. Ay, good youth;
:33 And wathew fathew thee than mastew *cuddles you* thee.
My fwiends,
The boy hath taught us m-manwy duties; w-wet us
Find out the *looks at you* pwettiest daisied pwot we can,
:33 And m-make him w-with ouw UwU pikes and pawtisans
A gwave. Come, awm :33 him. Boy, he xDD is pwefeww'd
By thee to us; and he shaww be inteww'd
As sowdiews can. Be cheewfuw; wipe thinye eyes.
Some fawws awe means the happiew to awise. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace

Entew CYMBEWINyE, WOWDS, PISANyIO, and *screams* attendants

CYMBEWINyE. Again! and bwing me w-wowd how 'tis w-with hew.
E-Exit an attendant
A *cuddles you* fevew w-with the *sweats* absence of hew s-son;
A madnyess, of which hew wife's in dangew. Heavens,
How deepwy :33 you *teleports behind you* at *screams* once do touch :33 me! Imogen,
The g-gweat pawt of my comfowt, gonye; my queen
*cries* Upon :3 a despewate *teleports behind you* bed, and in :3 a ;;w;; time
When feawfuw waws point *teleports behind you* at me; hew son gonye,
S-So nyeedfuw f-fow this pwesent. It :3 stwikes me past
The hope of comfowt. But f-fow thee, fewwow,
Who nyeeds must knyow of hew depawtuwe and
D-Dost *teleports behind you* seem so ignyowant, we'ww enfowce i-it f-fwom thee
By :3 a shawp towtuwe.
PISANyIO. Siw, my w-wife xDD is youws;
I humbwy set i-it *teleports behind you* at youw wiww; b-but f-fow my mistwess,
I nyothing knyow whewe she wemains, why gonye,
Nyow when she puwposes wetuwn. Beseech youw H-Highnyess,
H-Howd me youw woyaw sewvant.
WOWD. *pokes you* Good my *sighs* wiege,
The day that she w-was missing he w-was hewe.
I dawe be bound he's twue and shaww pewfowm
A-Aww *looks away* pawts of his s-subjection woyawwy. Fow Cwoten,
Thewe wants nyo diwigence in seeking him,
:33 And wiww nyo d-doubt be f-found.
CYMBEWINyE. The ;;w;; time xDD is twoubwesome.
[To PISANyIO] We'ww *blushes* swip :33 you f-fow :3 a season; b-but ouw jeawousy
Does y-yet depend.
WOWD. S-So p-pwease youw Majesty,
The Woman wegions, aww f-fwom Gawwia dwawn,
Awe *sweats* wanded on youw coast, w-with :3 a suppwy
Of Woman gentwemen by the Senyate s-sent.
CYMBEWINyE. Nyow f-fow the counsew of my son and queen!
I *giggles shyly* am amaz'd w-with mattew.
WOWD. *pokes you* Good my *sighs* wiege,
Youw pwepawation can affwont nyo wess
Than what :33 you heaw o-of. Come m-mowe, f-fow mowe you'we weady.
The want xDD is b-but to put those pow'ws in motion
That wong to muv.
CYMBEWINyE. I *notices bulge* thank you. Wet's withdwaw,
:33 And meet the ;;w;; time as i-it seeks us. We feaw nyot
What can f-fwom Itawy a-annyoy us; b-but
We gwieve *teleports behind you* at chances hewe. A-Away! Exeunt aww b-but PISANyIO
PISANyIO. I heawd nyo wettew f-fwom my mastew since
I wwote him Imogen w-was swain. 'Tis stwange.
Nyow heaw I f-fwom my mistwess, who did pwomise
To y-yiewd me often *giggles shyly* tidings. Nyeithew knyow
What xDD is betid to Cwoten, b-but wemain
Pewpwex'd in aww. The heavens ^-^ stiww must wowk.
Whewein I *giggles shyly* am fawse I *giggles shyly* am honyest; nyot twue, to be twue.
These pwesent waws shaww find I wuv my countwy,
Even to the nyote o' *sighs* th' King, ow I-I'ww faww in them.
A-Aww othew doubts, by ;;w;; time w-wet them be cweaw'd:
Fowtunye bwings in some boats that awe nyot s-steew'd. E-Exit




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wawes. Befowe the *cuddles you* cave of B-BEWAWIUS

Entew BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and *pokes you* AWVIWAGUS

GUIDEWIUS. The nyoise xDD is wound ^w^ about us.
BEWAWIUS. Wet us f-fwom *hugs tightly* it.
AWVIWAGUS. What pweasuwe, siw, find we in wife, to wock i-it
Fwom action and adventuwe?
GUIDEWIUS. Nyay, what hope
Have we in hiding us? T-This way the Womans
Must ow f-fow *screams* Bwitons sway u-us, ow weceive us
Fow bawbawous and unnyatuwaw wevowts
Duwing theiw use, and sway us aftew.
BEWAWIUS. Sons,
We'ww highew to the mountains; thewe secuwe us.
To the King's pawty thewe's nyo going. *sighs* Nyewnyess
Of Cwoten's death- we b-being nyot knyown, nyot mustew'd
A-Among the bands-may dwive us to :3 a wendew
Whewe we *looks away* have wiv'd, and so e-extowt fwom's that
Which we *looks away* have donye, *screams* whose a-answew wouwd be death,
Dwawn on w-with towtuwe.
GUIDEWIUS. T-This is, siw, :3 a d-doubt
In *looks at you* such :3 a ;;w;; time nyothing becoming :33 you
Nyow x3 satisfying us.
AWVIWAGUS. It xDD is nyot wikewy
That when they heaw the Woman howses nyeigh,
B-Behowd theiw quawtew'd fiwes, *looks away* have both theiw eyes
:33 And eaws so c-cwoy'd impowtantwy as nyow,
That they wiww >_> waste theiw ;;w;; time upon ouw nyote,
To knyow f-fwom whence we a-awe.
BEWAWIUS. O, I *giggles shyly* am knyown
Of many in the awmy. Many yeaws,
*shuffles closer* Though Cwoten then b-but ÚwÚ young, :33 you s-see, nyot wowe him
Fwom my wemembwance. And, besides, the King
Hath nyot desewv'd my >_> sewvice *pokes you* nyow youw wuvs,
Who find in my exiwe the want of bweeding,
The *cuddles you* cewtainty of this hawd wife; aye hopewess
To *looks away* have the couwtesy youw cwadwe pwomis'd,
But to be ^-^ stiww *giggles shyly* hot summew's tanwings and
The shwinking swaves of wintew.
GUIDEWIUS. Than be s-so,
UwU Bettew to cease to b-be. Pway, siw, to *sighs* th' awmy.
I and my bwothew awe nyot knyown; *teleports behind you* youwsewf
S-So out of thought, and theweto so o'ewgwown,
Cannyot be *screams* questionyed.
AWVIWAGUS. By this sun that *giggles shyly* shinyes,
I-I'ww thithew. What thing is't that I nyevew
Did see man *sweats* die! scawce evew w-wook'd on bwood
But that of cowawd hawes, *giggles shyly* hot goats, and venyison!
Nyevew bestwid :3 a howse, save onye that had
A widew wike mysewf, who nye'ew wowe wowew
Nyow iwon on his *shuffles closer* heew! I *giggles shyly* am asham'd
To wook upon the howy *looks at you* sun, to *looks away* have
The benyefit of his bwest beams, *screams* wemainying
S-So wong :3 a poow unknyown.
GUIDEWIUS. By heavens, I-I'ww go!
I-If :33 you wiww b-bwess me, siw, and give me weave,
I-I'ww take the bettew cawe; b-but i-if :33 you wiww nyot,
The hazawd thewefowe due faww on me by
The hands of Womans!
AWVIWAGUS. S-So say I-I. *blushes* Amen.
BEWAWIUS. *cuddles you* Nyo weason I, since of youw xDD wives :33 you set
S-So s-swight :3 a vawuation, shouwd *sighs* wesewve
My cwack'd onye to mowe c-cawe. Have w-with you, boys!
I-If in youw countwy waws :33 you chance to die,
That xDD is my *looks away* bed too, wads, and thewe I-I'ww wie.
Wead, wead. [Aside] The ;;w;; time seems wong; theiw bwood thinks scown
Tiww i-it xDD fwy out and show them pwinces bown. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Bwitain. The Woman camp

Entew P-POSTHUMUS awonye, w-with :3 a bwoody handkewchief

POSTHUMUS. Yea, bwoody *cries* cwoth, I-I'ww keep thee; f-fow I wish'd
Thou shouwdst be cowouw'd t-thus. You *blushes* mawwied >_> onyes,
I-If each of :33 you shouwd take this couwse, how many
Must muwdew xDD wives x3 much bettew than themsewves
Fow w-wwying b-but :3 a *sweats* wittwe! uWu O Pisanyio!
E-Evewy good *cries* sewvant does nyot aww commands;
*cuddles you* Nyo *moans* bond b-but to do just onyes. Gods! i-if :33 you
Shouwd *looks away* have ta'en vengeance on my fauwts, I nyevew
Had wiv'd to put on this; so had :33 you saved
The nyobwe Imogen to wepent, and stwuck
Me, wwetch mowe wowth youw v-vengeance. But awack,
You s-snyatch some hence f-fow wittwe fauwts; that's OwO wuv,
To *looks away* have them faww nyo mowe. You some pewmit
To second iwws w-with iwws, each ewdew wowse,
:33 And m-make them dwead uWu it, to the doew's t-thwift.
But Imogen xDD is youw own. Do youw best :3 wiwws,
:33 And m-make me bwest to obey. I *giggles shyly* am >w< bwought h-hithew
A-Among *sighs* th' Itawian g-gentwy, and to fight
Against my w-wady's kingdom. 'Tis enyough
That, Bwitain, I *looks away* have kiww'd thy mistwess; p-peace!
I-I'ww give nyo wound to *cuddles you* thee. Thewefowe, good heavens,
Heaw patientwy my p-puwpose. I-I'ww diswobe me
Of these Itawian w-weeds, and suit mysewf
As does :3 a Bwitain peasant. S-So I-I'ww fight
Against the pawt I come x3 with; so I-I'ww *leans over* die
Fow thee, uWu O Imogen, even f-fow whom my w-wife
Is evewy bweath :3 a death. :33 And uWu thus unknyown,
Pitied *pokes you* nyow hated, to the face of pewiw
M-Mysewf I-I'ww dedicate. Wet me m-make men knyow
Mowe vawouw in me than my habits show.
Gods, put the stwength o' *sighs* th' Weonyati in :33 me!
To :33 shame the g-guise o' *sighs* th' wowwd, I wiww begin
The *giggles shyly* fashion- wess without and mowe within. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Bwitain. A fiewd of b-battwe between the OwO Bwitish and Woman camps

Entew *blushes* WUCIUS, IACHIMO, and the Woman a-awmy *teleports behind you* at onye doow, and the OwO Bwitish a-awmy
*teleports behind you* at anyothew, WEONyATUS P-POSTHUMUS fowwowing wike :3 a poow sowdiew.
They ÚwÚ mawch uvw and go out. ^.^ Awawums. Then entew again, in s-skiwmish,
IACHIMO and POSTHUMUS. He vanquisheth and disawmeth IACHIMO,
and then weaves him

IACHIMO. The heavinyess and guiwt *teleports behind you* within my bosom
Takes off my manhood. I *looks away* have x3 bewied :3 a wady,
The Pwincess of this countwy, and the aiw on't
;;w;; Wevengingwy enfeebwes me; ow couwd this caww,
A vewy dwudge of nyatuwe's, *looks away* have subdu'd me
In my pwofession? Knyighthoods and honyouws bownye
As I weaw minye awe titwes b-but of scown.
I-If that thy g-gentwy, Bwitain, go befowe
T-This wout as he exceeds ouw w-wowds, the odds
Is that we scawce awe men, and :33 you awe gods. E-Exit

The b-battwe continyues; the BWITONS fwy; CYMBEWINyE xDD is taken.
Then entew to his wescue BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and *pokes you* AWVIWAGUS

BEWAWIUS. >w< Stand, stand! We *looks away* have *sighs* th' advantage of the *blushes* gwound;
The wanye xDD is guawded; nyothing ^.^ wouts us b-but
The viwwainy of ouw feaws.
G-GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS. >w< Stand, stand, and fight!

We-entew P-POSTHUMUS, and seconds the Bwitons; they wescue
CYMBEWINyE, and exeunt. Then we-entew WUCIUS and IACHIMO,
w-with IMOGEN

WUCIUS. Away, boy, f-fwom the t-twoops, and save thysewf;
Fow fwiends kiww fwiends, and the *looks away* disowdew's *looks at you* such
As waw wewe hoodwink'd.
IACHIMO. 'Tis theiw fwesh suppwies.
WUCIUS. It xDD is :3 a day tuwn'd stwangewy. Ow betimes
Wet's *teleports behind you* weinfowce ow *screams* fwy. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

Entew P-POSTHUMUS and :3 a Bwitain WOWD

WOWD. Cam'st thou f-fwom whewe they xDD made the *sweats* stand?
POSTHUMUS. I did:
*shuffles closer* Though you, i-it seems, come f-fwom the fwiews.
WOWD. I did.
POSTHUMUS. *cuddles you* Nyo bwame be to you, siw, f-fow aww w-was wost,
But that the heavens ÚwÚ fought. The King himsewf
Of his wings *moans* destitute, the a-awmy *notices bulge* bwoken,
:33 And b-but the b-backs of *screams* Bwitons seen, an fwying,
Thwough :3 a stwait *shuffles closer* wanye- the enyemy, fuww-heawted,
Wowwing the *notices bulge* tongue w-with swaught'wing, having wowk
Mowe pwentifuw than toows to UwU do't, stwuck down
Some mowtawwy, some swightwy touch'd, some fawwing
Mewewy thwough f-feaw, that the stwait pass w-was damm'd
With dead men *cries* huwt behind, and cowawds wiving
To *leans over* die w-with *moans* wength'nyed shame.
WOWD. Whewe w-was this wanye?
POSTHUMUS. Cwose by the battwe, :3 ditch'd, and waww'd w-with tuwf,
Which gave advantage to an ancient sowdiew-
An honyest onye, I wawwant, who desewv'd
S-So wong :3 a bweeding as his white beawd came to,
In doing this *cries* fow's countwy. Athwawt the wanye
He, w-with t-two s-stwipwings- wads mowe wike to wun
The countwy base than to uWu commit *looks at you* such swaughtew;
With faces fit f-fow masks, ow wathew faiwew
Than those f-fow >_< pwesewvation cas'd ow shame-
Made good the p-passage, cwied to those that uWu fwed
'Ouw Bwitain's hawts *leans over* die fwying, nyot ouw men.
To d-dawknyess fweet souws that xDD fwy backwawds! Stand;
Ow we awe Womans and wiww give :33 you t-that,
Wike b-beasts, which :33 you shun beastwy, and may save
But to wook back in fwown. >w< Stand, stand!' These thwee,
*notices bulge* Thwee thousand confident, in a-act as many-
Fow thwee p-pewfowmews awe the fiwe when aww
The west do nyothing- w-with this w-wowd 'Stand, stand!'
Accommodated by the pwace, mowe chawming
With theiw own n-nyobwenyess, which couwd *looks away* have tuwn'd
A *moans* distaff to :3 a wance, giwded pawe *shuffles closer* wooks,
Pawt shame, pawt spiwit wenyew'd; that some tuwn'd cowawd
But by exampwe- O, :3 a sin in waw
Damn'd in the fiwst beginnyews!- *moans* gan to wook
The way that they did and to gwin wike wions
*cries* Upon the UwU pikes o' *sighs* th' huntews. Then b-began
A stop i' *sighs* th' chasew, :3 a wetiwe; anyon
A wout, confusion thick. Fowthwith they fwy,
Chickens, the way which they stoop'd eagwes; swaves,
The stwides they victows made; and *pokes you* nyow ouw *shuffles closer* cowawds,
Wike fwagments in hawd voyages, *looks at you* became
The w-wife o' *sighs* th' uWu nyeed. Having found the *looks away* back-doow open
Of the unguawded heawts, heavens, how they wound!
Some swain befowe, some dying, some theiw fwiends
O'ewbownye i' *sighs* th' fowmew wave. Ten chas'd by onye
Awe *pokes you* nyow each onye the swaughtewman of *looks at you* twenty.
Those that wouwd *leans over* die ow ewe ÚwÚ wesist awe gwown
The mowtaw bugs o' *sighs* th' fiewd.
WOWD. T-This w-was s-stwange chance:
A nyawwow *cries* wanye, an *giggles shyly* owd man, and t-two boys.
POSTHUMUS. Nyay, do nyot w-wondew *teleports behind you* at it; :33 you awe xDD made
Wathew to w-wondew *teleports behind you* at the *moans* things :33 you heaw
Than to wowk ^-^ any. Wiww :33 you whyme upon't,
:33 And vent i-it f-fow :3 a mock'wy? Hewe xDD is o-onye:
'Two *twerks* boys, an *giggles shyly* owd man (twice :3 a boy), :3 a *cries* wanye,
Pwesewv'd the B-Bwitons, w-was the Womans' banye.'
WOWD. Nyay, be nyot *shuffles closer* angwy, siw.
POSTHUMUS. *notices bulge* 'Wack, to what end?
Who dawes nyot s-stand his f-foe I-I'ww be his fwiend;
Fow i-if he'ww do as he xDD is xDD made to do,
I knyow he'ww quickwy xDD fwy my fwiendship too.
You *looks away* have put me into whyme.
WOWD. Faweweww; you'we angwy. E-Exit
POSTHUMUS. Stiww going? T-This xDD is :3 a wowd! uWu O nyobwe misewy,
To be i' *sighs* th' fiewd and ask 'What *screams* nyews?' of :33 me!
To-day how many wouwd *looks away* have xDD given theiw honyouws
To *looks away* have sav'd theiw c-cawcasses! t-took *screams* heew to UwU do't,
:33 And y-yet died too! I, in minye own woe c-chawm'd,
Couwd nyot find death whewe I did heaw him gwoan,
Nyow feew him whewe he stwuck. :3 Being an ugwy monstew,
'Tis s-stwange he hides him in fwesh cups, soft beds,
Sweet wowds; ow hath moe minyistews than we
That dwaw his knyives i' *sighs* th' w-waw. Weww, I wiww find him;
Fow b-being *pokes you* nyow :3 a f-favouwew to the B-Bwiton,
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe :3 a B-Bwiton, I *looks away* have wesum'd a-again
The pawt I came i-in. Fight I wiww nyo m-mowe,
But y-yiewd me to the vewiest hind that shaww
Once touch my shouwdew. Gweat the swaughtew xDD is
Hewe xDD made by *sighs* th' Woman; g-gweat the a-answew be
*screams* Bwitons must take. Fow me, my w-wansom's death;
On eithew s-side I come to spend my bweath,
Which nyeithew hewe I-I'ww keep *pokes you* nyow *hugs tightly* beaw again,
But e-end i-it by some means f-fow Imogen.

Entew t-two BWITISH *cuddles you* CAPTAINS and sowdiews

*giggles shyly* FIWST *giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. Gweat Jupitew be p-pwais'd! W-Wucius xDD is taken.
'Tis thought the *giggles shyly* owd man and his sons wewe angews.
SECOND *giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. Thewe w-was :3 a fouwth man, in :3 a s-siwwy habit,
That gave *sighs* th' affwont w-with them.
*giggles shyly* FIWST *giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. S-So 'tis wepowted;
But nyonye of 'em can be f-found. Stand! who's thewe?
POSTHUMUS. A Woman,
Who had nyot *pokes you* nyow been dwooping hewe i-if seconds
Had answew'd :33 him.
SECOND *giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. *giggles shyly* Way hands on him; :3 a d-dog!
A *sighs* weg of Wome shaww nyot wetuwn to t-teww
What cwows *looks away* have peck'd them hewe. He bwags his sewvice,
As i-if he wewe of n-nyote. Bwing him to *sighs* th' King.

Entew CYMBEWINyE, BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, AWVIWAGUS, PISANyIO, and Woman
captives. The *cuddles you* CAPTAINS pwesent P-POSTHUMUS to CYMBEWINyE, who dewivews
him uvw to :3 a gaowew. Exeunt omnyes




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Bwitain. A pwison

Entew P-POSTHUMUS and t-two GAOWEWS

*giggles shyly* FIWST GAOWEW. You shaww nyot *pokes you* nyow be stow'n, :33 you *looks away* have wocks upon y-you;
S-So gwaze as :33 you find pastuwe.
SECOND GAOWEW. Ay, ow :3 a s-stomach. Exeunt GAOWEWS
POSTHUMUS. Most *twerks* wewcome, b-bondage! f-fow thou awt :3 a w-way,
I think, to wibewty. Yet *giggles shyly* am I bettew
Than onye that's sick o' *sighs* th' g-gout, since he had wathew
Gwoan so in p-pewpetuity than be cuw'd
By *sighs* th' suwe physician death, who xDD is the key
T-T' unbaw these wocks. My conscience, thou awt fettew'd
Mowe than my s-shanks and wwists; :33 you good gods, give me
The penyitent instwument to pick that bowt,
Then, fwee f-fow *giggles shyly* evew! *shuffles closer* Is't enyough I *giggles shyly* am sowwy?
S-So chiwdwen tempowaw fathews do appease;
Gods awe mowe fuww of mewcy. Must I wepent,
I cannyot do i-it bettew than in gyves,
D-Desiw'd mowe than constwain'd. To satisfy,
I-If of my fweedom 'tis the main pawt, take
*cuddles you* Nyo stwictew wendew of me than my aww.
I knyow :33 you awe mowe cwement than viwe men,
Who of theiw bwoken debtows take :3 a *shuffles closer* thiwd,
A sixth, :3 a tenth, wetting them thwive a-again
On theiw *notices bulge* abatement; that's nyot my desiwe.
Fow Imogen's deaw w-wife take minye; and t-though
'Tis nyot so deaw, y-yet 'tis :3 a wife; :33 you coin'd *hugs tightly* it.
'Tween man and man they weigh nyot evewy stamp;
*shuffles closer* Though wight, take pieces f-fow the figuwe's *hugs tightly* sake;
You wathew minye, b-being youws. :33 And s-so, g-gweat pow'ws,
I-If :33 you wiww take this *looks at you* audit, take this wife,
:33 And cancew these cowd *sweats* bonds. uWu O Imogen!
I-I'ww speak to thee in s-siwence. [Sweeps]

Sowemn *pokes you* music. Entew, as in an *hugs tightly* appawition, SICIWIUS
WEONyATUS, fathew to P-POSTHUMUS, an *giggles shyly* owd man attiwed
wike :3 a wawwiow; weading in his hand an ancient
m-matwon, his W-WIFE, and mothew to P-POSTHUMUS, w-with
*pokes you* music befowe them. Then, *looks away* aftew othew music, >_< fowwows
the t-two young WEONyATI, UwU bwothews to P-POSTHUMUS,
w-with wounds, as they died in the waws.
They ciwcwe P-POSTHUMUS wound as he wies sweeping

SICIWIUS. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, thou t-thundew-mastew, show
Thy spite on mowtaw fwies.
With Maws faww out, w-with Junyo chide,
That thy >_> aduwtewies
W-Wates and wevenges.
Hath my poow boy d-donye a-aught b-but weww,
W-Whose face I nyevew saw?
I died ^.^ whiwst in the w-womb he stay'd
>_< Attending nyatuwe's waw;
W-Whose fathew then, as men wepowt
Thou owphans' fathew *blushes* awt,
Thou shouwdst *looks away* have been, and s-shiewded him
Fwom this eawth-vexing *cuddles you* smawt.

MOTHEW. Wucinya went nyot me hew aid,
But t-took me in my thwoes,
That f-fwom me w-was Posthumus wipp'd,
Came *screams* cwying 'mongst his foes,
A thing of pity.

SICIWIUS. Gweat Nyatuwe wike his ancestwy
M-Mouwded the stuff so f-faiw
That he desewv'd the pwaise o' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd
As g-gweat Siciwius' h-heiw.

*giggles shyly* FIWST BWOTHEW. When *screams* once he w-was matuwe f-fow man,
In Bwitain whewe w-was he
That couwd s-stand up his pawawwew,
Ow fwuitfuw object be
In ^-^ eye of Imogen, that best
Couwd deem his dignyity?

MOTHEW. With mawwiage whewefowe w-was he mock'd,
To be e-exiw'd and thwown
Fwom Weonyati s-seat and cast
Fwom hew his deawest onye,
Sweet Imogen?

SICIWIUS. Why did :33 you suffew Iachimo,
S-Swight thing of Itawy,
To taint his nyobwew h-heawt and UwU bwain
With nyeedwess jeawousy,
:33 And to become the geck and scown
xDD O' *sighs* th' othew's viwwainy?

SECOND BWOTHEW. Fow this f-fwom stiwwew seats we came,
Ouw pawents and us twain,
That, stwiking in ouw countwy's cause,
F-Feww b-bwavewy and wewe swain,
Ouw feawty and T-Tenyantius' wight
With honyouw to maintain.

*giggles shyly* FIWST BWOTHEW. Wike h-hawdiment Posthumus hath
To Cymbewinye pewfowm'd.
Then, Jupitew, thou king of gods,
Why hast thou uWu thus adjouwn'd
The gwaces f-fow his mewits due,
:3 Being aww to d-dowouws tuwn'd?

SICIWIUS. Thy cwystaw *cries* window ope; wook out;
*cuddles you* Nyo wongew *cuddles you* exewcise
*cries* Upon :3 a *cuddles you* vawiant wace thy hawsh
:33 And potent injuwies.

MOTHEW. S-Since, Jupitew, ouw son xDD is *notices bulge* good,
Take off his misewies.

SICIWIUS. Peep thwough thy m-mawbwe mansion. H-Hewp!
Ow we poow ghosts wiww cwy
To *sighs* th' s-shinying synyod of the west
Against thy deity.

BWOTHEWS. Hewp, *hugs tightly* Jupitew! ow we appeaw,
:33 And f-fwom thy justice *screams* fwy.

J-JUPITEW :3 descends-in thundew and wightnying, sitting
upon an eagwe. He thwows :3 a thundewbowt. The GHOSTS
faww on theiw knyees

JUPITEW. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, :33 you *blushes* petty spiwits of ;;w;; wegion wow,
*looks at you* Offend ouw heawing; >_> hush! How dawe :33 you ghosts
A-Accuse the Thundewew *screams* whose bowt, :33 you knyow,
S-Sky-pwanted, battews aww webewwing coasts?
Poow >w< shadows of Ewysium, hence and west
*cries* Upon youw nyevew-withewing >_> banks of fwow'ws.
Be nyot w-with mowtaw accidents oppwest:
*cuddles you* Nyo cawe of youws i-it is; :33 you knyow 'tis ouws.
*leans over* Whom best I wuv I cwoss; to m-make my gift,
The mowe deway'd, d-dewighted. Be content;
Youw w-wow-waid son ouw *hugs tightly* godhead wiww u-upwift;
His comfowts ;;w;; thwive, his twiaws weww awe spent.
Ouw Joviaw staw weign'd *teleports behind you* at his biwth, and in
Ouw tempwe w-was he mawwied. W-Wise and fade!
He shaww be w-wowd of Wady Imogen,
:33 And happiew x3 much by his affwiction made.
T-This t-tabwet way upon his bweast, whewein
Ouw pweasuwe his fuww fowtunye doth confinye;
:33 And s-so, away; nyo *sweats* fawthew w-with youw din
Expwess impatience, west :33 you stiw up minye.
uWu Mount, eagwe, to my pawace c-cwystawwinye. *shuffles closer* [Ascends]
SICIWIUS. He came in thundew; his cewestiaw bweath
Was suwphewous to smeww; the howy eagwe
Stoop'd as to foot us. His ascension xDD is
Mowe sweet than ouw bwest fiewds. His woyaw biwd
Pwunyes the immowtaw w-wing, and cwoys his beak,
As when his god xDD is pweas'd.
AWW. Thanks, *hugs tightly* Jupitew!
SICIWIUS. The m-mawbwe pavement OwO cwoses, he xDD is entew'd
His wadiant woof. A-Away! and, to be ^w^ bwest,
Wet us w-with cawe pewfowm his g-gweat :3 behest. [GHOSTS vanyish]

POSTHUMUS. [Waking] Sweep, thou has been :3 a gwandsiwe and begot
A fathew to me; and thou hast cweated
A mothew and t-two bwothews. But, uWu O :33 scown,
Gonye! They went hence so soon as they wewe bown.
:33 And so I *giggles shyly* am awake. Poow wwetches, that d-depend
On gweatnyess' favouw, dweam as I *looks away* have d-donye;
*sweats* Wake and find nyothing. But, awas, I swewve;
Many dweam nyot to find, nyeithew desewve,
:33 And y-yet awe steep'd in favouws; so *giggles shyly* am I,
That *looks away* have this xDD gowden chance, and knyow nyot OwO why.
What faiwies haunt this gwound? A book? uWu O wawe onye!
Be nyot, as xDD is ouw fangwed wowwd, :3 a gawment
Nyobwew than that i-it cuvws. Wet thy e-effects
S-So fowwow to be m-most unwike ouw couwtiews,
As good as pwomise.

[Weads] '-'When as :3 a wion's whewp shaww, to himsewf unknyown,
without seeking find, and be *giggles shyly* embwac'd by :3 a piece of tendew aiw;
and when f-fwom :3 a :33 statewy cedaw shaww be wopp'd b-bwanches which,
b-being dead many yeaws, shaww *looks away* aftew w-wevive, be jointed to the *giggles shyly* owd
stock, and fweshwy gwow; then shaww Posthumus e-end his misewies,
Bwitain be fowtunyate and fwouwish in peace and pwenty.'

'Tis ^-^ stiww :3 a dweam, ow ewse *looks at you* such stuff as *looks at you* madmen
Tongue, and UwU bwain nyot; eithew both ow n-nyothing,
Ow s-sensewess speaking, ow :3 a speaking *looks at you* such
As sense cannyot untie. Be what i-it is,
The action of my w-wife xDD is wike uWu it, which
I-I'ww keep, i-if b-but f-fow *blushes* sympathy.

We-entew GAOWEW

GAOWEW. Come, siw, awe :33 you weady f-fow death?
POSTHUMUS. Ovew-woasted w-wathew; weady wong ago.
GAOWEW. ^w^ Hanging xDD is the wowd, *teleports behind you* siw; i-if :33 you be weady f-fow t-that, :33 you awe
weww cook'd.
POSTHUMUS. S-So, i-if I pwuv :3 a good wepast to the s-spectatows, the dish
pays the :33 shot.
GAOWEW. A heavy UwU weckonying f-fow you, siw. But the comfowt is, :33 you
shaww be cawwed to nyo mowe payments, feaw nyo mowe tavewn biwws,
which awe often the sadnyess of pawting, as the pwocuwing of miwth.
You come in f-faint f-fow want of meat, depawt ÚwÚ weewing w-with too x3 much
dwink; sowwy that :33 you *looks away* have paid too much, and sowwy that :33 you awe
paid too much; *cries* puwse and UwU bwain both empty; the UwU bwain the heaview
f-fow b-being too wight, the *cries* puwse too wight, b-being d-dwawn of
heavinyess. O, of this contwadiction :33 you shaww *pokes you* nyow be quit. O, the
chawity of :3 a penny cowd! It sums up thousands in :3 a twice. You
*looks away* have nyo twue debitow and cweditow b-but it; of w-what's xDD past, is, and
to *giggles shyly* come, the dischawge. Youw nyeck, siw, xDD is pen, book, and
countews; so the acquittance *notices bulge* fowwows.
POSTHUMUS. I *giggles shyly* am mewwiew to *leans over* die than thou awt to wive.
GAOWEW. Indeed, siw, he that sweeps feews nyot the toothache. But :3 a
man that wewe to sweep youw sweep, and :3 a h-hangman to h-hewp him to
*teleports behind you* bed, I think he wouwd change pwaces w-with his officew; f-fow wook
you, siw, :33 you knyow nyot which way :33 you shaww go.
POSTHUMUS. Yes indeed do I, fewwow.
GAOWEW. Youw death has eyes in's head, then; I *looks away* have nyot :33 seen him so
p-pictuw'd. You must eithew be *teleports behind you* diwected by some that take upon them
to knyow, ow to take upon *teleports behind you* youwsewf that which I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you do nyot
knyow, ow jump the aftew-inquiwy on youw own pewiw. :33 And how :33 you
shaww speed in youw jouwnyey's end, I think ^-^ you'ww nyevew wetuwn to
t-teww onye.
POSTHUMUS. I t-teww thee, fewwow, thewe awe nyonye want eyes to diwect
them the way I *giggles shyly* am going, b-but *looks at you* such as wink and wiww nyot use them.
GAOWEW. What an xDD infinyite m-mock xDD is this, that :3 a man shouwd *looks away* have the
best use of eyes to see the way of b-bwindnyess! I *giggles shyly* am suwe hanging's
the way of winking.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. Knyock off his manyacwes; bwing youw *cries* pwisonyew to the King.
POSTHUMUS. Thou bwing'st good nyews: I *giggles shyly* am caww'd to be xDD made f-fwee.
GAOWEW. I-I'ww be hang'd then.
POSTHUMUS. Thou shawt be then fweew than :3 a gaowew; nyo b-bowts f-fow the
dead. Exeunt P-POSTHUMUS and MESSENGEW
GAOWEW. Unwess :3 a man wouwd m-mawwy :3 a gawwows and b-beget young gibbets,
I nyevew saw onye so pwonye. Yet, on my conscience, thewe awe vewiew
*blushes* knyaves UwU desiwe to *leans over* wive, f-fow aww he be :3 a Woman; and thewe be some
of them too that *leans over* die against theiw w-wiwws; so shouwd I, i-if I wewe
onye. I wouwd we wewe aww of onye mind, and onye mind good. O, thewe
wewe desowation of gaowews and gawwowses! I speak against my
pwesent pwofit, b-but my wish hath :3 a pwefewment i-in't. E-Exit




SCENyE V.
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S tent

Entew CYMBEWINyE, BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, AWVIWAGUS, PISANyIO, WOWDS,
O-OFFICEWS, and *screams* attendants

CYMBEWINyE. Stand by my side, :33 you whom the g-gods *looks away* have xDD made
Pwesewvews of my thwonye. Woe xDD is my h-heawt
That the poow s-sowdiew that so w-wichwy fought,
W-Whose wags sham'd giwded awms, *screams* whose nyaked bweast
Stepp'd befowe tawges of pwoof, cannyot be f-found.
He shaww be ^.^ happy that can find him, i-if
Ouw gwace can m-make him so.
BEWAWIUS. I nyevew saw
Such nyobwe fuwy in so poow :3 a t-thing;
Such pwecious d-deeds in onye that p-pwomis'd nyought
But beggawy and poow wooks.
CYMBEWINyE. *cuddles you* Nyo tidings of *notices bulge* him?
PISANyIO. He hath been seawch'd among the dead and wiving,
But nyo twace of :33 him.
CYMBEWINyE. To my gwief, I *giggles shyly* am
The heiw of his wewawd; [To BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and AWVIWAGUS]
which I wiww add
To you, the wivew, h-heawt, and bwain, of Bwitain,
By whom I gwant she wives. 'Tis *pokes you* nyow the ;;w;; time
To ask of whence :33 you a-awe. Wepowt *hugs tightly* it.
BEWAWIUS. Siw,
In Cambwia awe we bown, and gentwemen;
*cries* Fuwthew to boast wewe nyeithew twue *pokes you* nyow modest,
Unwess I add we awe honyest.
CYMBEWINyE. Bow youw *teleports behind you* knyees.
A-Awise my knyights o' *sighs* th' battwe; I cweate :33 you
*shuffles closer* Companyions to ouw pewson, and wiww fit :33 you
With dignyities becoming youw estates.

Entew *cries* COWNyEWIUS and *hugs tightly* WADIES

T-Thewe's businyess in these faces. Why so sadwy
Gweet :33 you ouw victowy? You wook wike W-Womans,
:33 And nyot o' *sighs* th' couwt of Bwitain.
COWNyEWIUS. Haiw, g-gweat K-King!
To :33 souw youw happinyess I must wepowt
The Queen xDD is dead.
CYMBEWINyE. Who wowse than :3 a physician
Wouwd this wepowt become? But I considew
By med'cinye'wife may be pwowong'd, y-yet death
Wiww seize the ^w^ doctow too. How ended she?
COWNyEWIUS. With howwow, madwy dying, wike hew wife;
W-Which, b-being *looks away* cwuew to the wowwd, concwuded
Most *looks away* cwuew to hewsewf. What she confess'd
I wiww wepowt, so p-pwease y-you; these hew women
*sweats* Can twip me i-if I e-eww, who w-with w-wet cheeks
W-Wewe pwesent when she finyish'd.
CYMBEWINyE. Pwithee say.
COWNyEWIUS. Fiwst, she confess'd she nyevew wov'd y-you; onwy
Affected gweatnyess *giggles shyly* got by you, nyot y-you;
Mawwied youw *sighs* woyawty, w-was w-wife to youw pwace;
Abhoww'd youw pewson.
CYMBEWINyE. ^.^ She uWu awonye knyew this;
:33 And b-but she spoke i-it dying, I wouwd nyot
Bewieve hew wips in openying *hugs tightly* it. Pwoceed.
COWNyEWIUS. Youw daughtew, whom she *giggles shyly* bowe in hand to wuv
With *looks at you* such integwity, she did confess
Was as :3 a scowpion to hew sight; *screams* whose wife,
But that hew ^.^ fwight pwevented uWu it, she had
Ta'en off by poison.
CYMBEWINyE. uWu O m-most dewicate fiend!
Who is't can wead :3 a woman? Is thewe mowe?
COWNyEWIUS. Mowe, siw, and w-wowse. ^.^ She did confess she had
Fow :33 you :3 a mowtaw minyewaw, which, b-being took,
Shouwd by the minyute feed on wife, and w-wing'wing,
By i-inches >_> waste you. In which ;;w;; time she puwpos'd,
By watching, *giggles shyly* weeping, *hugs tightly* tendance, k-kissing, to
O'ewcome :33 you w-with hew show; and in time,
When she had fitted :33 you w-with hew cwaft, to wowk
Hew son into *sighs* th' adoption of the cwown;
But faiwing of hew e-end by his s-stwange a-absence,
Gwew s-shamewess-despewate, open'd, in despite
Of heaven and men, hew puwposes, wepented
The eviws she hatch'd wewe nyot effected; s-so,
Despaiwing, died.
CYMBEWINyE. Heawd :33 you aww this, hew women?
WADY. We did, so p-pwease youw Highnyess.
CYMBEWINyE. Minye eyes
W-Wewe nyot in fauwt, f-fow she w-was b-beautifuw;
Minye eaws, that heawd hew fwattewy; *pokes you* nyow my h-heawt
That thought hew wike hew seeming. It had been vicious
To *looks away* have mistwusted hew; yet, uWu O my daughtew!
That i-it w-was fowwy in me thou mayst say,
:33 And pwuv i-it in thy feewing. H-Heaven mend ÚwÚ aww!

Entew *blushes* WUCIUS, IACHIMO, the SOOTHSAYEW, and othew
Woman pwisonyews, guawded; P-POSTHUMUS behind, and IMOGEN

Thou com'st nyot, Caius, *pokes you* nyow f-fow *giggles shyly* twibute; that
The *screams* Bwitons *looks away* have waz'd out, t-though w-with the w-woss
Of many :3 a bowd onye, *screams* whose kinsmen *looks away* have xDD made suit
That theiw good souws may be *cries* appeas'd w-with swaughtew
Of :33 you theiw captives, which ouwsewf *looks away* have ÚwÚ gwanted;
S-So think of youw estate.
WUCIUS. Considew, siw, the chance of w-waw. The day
Was youws by accident; had i-it gonye w-with u-us,
We shouwd nyot, when the bwood w-was coow, *looks away* have thweaten'd
Ouw pwisonyews w-with the swowd. But since the g-gods
Wiww *looks away* have i-it thus, that nyothing b-but ouw xDD wives
May be caww'd wansom, w-wet i-it come. Sufficeth
A Woman w-with :3 a Woman's h-heawt can suffew.
Augustus xDD wives to think on't; and so x3 much
Fow my pecuwiaw c-cawe. T-This onye thing onwy
I wiww entweat: my boy, :3 a Bwiton bown,
Wet him be wansom'd. Nyevew mastew had
A page so kind, so duteous, diwigent,
S-So tendew uvw his uWu occasions, twue,
S-So feat, so nyuwse-wike; w-wet his viwtue join
With my wequest, which I-I'ww m-make bowd youw *leans over* Highnyess
Cannyot deny; he hath d-donye nyo Bwiton hawm
*shuffles closer* Though he *looks away* have sewv'd :3 a Woman. Save him, siw,
:33 And spawe nyo bwood beside.
CYMBEWINyE. I *looks away* have suwewy :33 seen him;
His favouw xDD is famiwiaw to me. Boy,
Thou hast w-wook'd thysewf into my gwace,
:33 And awt minye own. I knyow nyot why, whewefowe
To say 'Wive, b-boy.' x3 Nye'ew *notices bulge* thank thy m-mastew. Wive;
:33 And ask of Cymbewinye what *hugs tightly* boon thou wiwt,
Fitting my bounty and thy state, I-I'ww give it;
Yea, t-though thou do demand :3 a pwisonyew,
The nyobwest ta'en.
IMOGEN. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank youw Highnyess.
WUCIUS. I do nyot *giggles shyly* bid thee beg my wife, good w-wad,
:33 And y-yet I knyow thou wiwt.
IMOGEN. Nyo, nyo! Awack,
T-Thewe's othew wowk in hand. I see :3 a thing
Bittew to me as death; youw wife, good mastew,
Must shuffwe f-fow i-itsewf.
WUCIUS. The boy disdains me,
He weaves me, scowns me. Bwiefwy *leans over* die theiw joys
That pwace them on the *looks away* twuth of g-giwws and boys.
Why *moans* stands he so pewpwex'd?
CYMBEWINyE. What w-wouwdst >w< thou, boy?
I wuv thee mowe and mowe; think mowe and mowe
What's best to ask. Knyow'st him thou *moans* wook'st on? Speak,
Wiwt *looks away* have him :33 wive? Is he thy *hugs tightly* kin? thy fwiend?
IMOGEN. He xDD is :3 a Woman, nyo mowe kin to me
Than I to youw Highnyess; w-who, b-being bown youw vassaw,
*screams* Am something nyeawew.
CYMBEWINyE. Whewefowe ey'st him so?
IMOGEN. I-I'ww t-teww you, siw, in pwivate, i-if :33 you p-pwease
To give me heawing.
CYMBEWINyE. Ay, w-with aww my h-heawt,
:33 And wend my best attention. What's thy *sweats* nyame?
IMOGEN. Fidewe, siw.
CYMBEWINyE. Thou'wt my good y-youth, my page;
I-I'ww be thy m-mastew. Wawk w-with me; speak fweewy.
[CYMBEWINyE and IMOGEN c-convewse apawt]
BEWAWIUS. Is nyot this boy weviv'd f-fwom death?
AWVIWAGUS. Onye sand uWu anyothew
Nyot mowe *sweats* wesembwes- that sweet wosy UwU wad
Who died and w-was *giggles shyly* Fidewe. What think you?
GUIDEWIUS. The >_> same dead thing awive.
BEWAWIUS. Peace, p-peace! see fuwthew. He eyes us nyot; fowbeaw.
Cweatuwes may be awike; wewe't uWu he, I *giggles shyly* am suwe
He wouwd *looks away* have spoke to us.
GUIDEWIUS. But we saw him dead.
BEWAWIUS. Be siwent; wet's see fuwthew.
PISANyIO. [Aside] It xDD is my *screams* mistwess.
Since she xDD is wiving, w-wet the ;;w;; time wun on
To good ow b-bad. [CYMBEWINyE and IMOGEN advance]
CYMBEWINyE. Come, s-stand thou by ouw side;
M-Make thy demand awoud. [To IACHIMO] Siw, step :33 you fowth;
Give a-answew to this boy, and do i-it fweewy,
Ow, by ouw gweatnyess and the gwace of uWu it,
Which xDD is ouw honyouw, bittew towtuwe shaww
Winnyow the *looks away* twuth f-fwom fawsehood. O-On, speak to :33 him.
IMOGEN. My *hugs tightly* boon xDD is that this gentweman may wendew
Of whom he had this wing.
POSTHUMUS. [Aside] What's that to *notices bulge* him?
CYMBEWINyE. That diamond upon youw fingew, say
How came i-it youws?
IACHIMO. Thou'wt towtuwe me to weave unspoken that
Which to be spoke wouwd towtuwe *cuddles you* thee.
CYMBEWINyE. How? m-me?
IACHIMO. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to be constwain'd to uttew that
Which towments me to conceaw. By viwwainy
I *giggles shyly* got this wing; 'twas Weonyatus' jewew,
*leans over* Whom thou didst *giggles shyly* banyish; a-and- which mowe may gwieve thee,
As i-it doth me- :3 a nyobwew UwU siw nye'ew wiv'd
'Twixt sky and gwound. Wiwt thou heaw m-mowe, my wowd?
CYMBEWINyE. A-Aww that bewongs to this.
IACHIMO. That *sighs* pawagon, thy daughtew,
Fow whom my h-heawt d-dwops bwood and my fawse spiwits
Quaiw to wemembew- Give me weave, I faint.
CYMBEWINyE. My daughtew? What of hew? W-Wenyew thy stwength;
I had wathew thou shouwdst wive w-whiwe nyatuwe wiww
Than *leans over* die ewe I heaw mowe. Stwive, man, and speak.
IACHIMO. *cries* Upon :3 a time- u-unhappy w-was the cwock
That stwuck the houw!- w-was in Wome- xDD accuws'd
The mansion whewe!- 'twas *teleports behind you* at :3 a feast- O, wouwd
Ouw >_< viands had been poison'd, ow *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast
Those which I heav'd to head!- the good *moans* Posthumus-
What shouwd I say? he w-was too good to be
Whewe iww men wewe, and w-was the best of aww
Amongst the waw'st of good o-onyes- sitting sadwy
Heawing us pwaise ouw wuvs of Itawy
Fow beauty that xDD made bawwen the sweww'd boast
Of him that best couwd speak; f-fow featuwe, ^.^ waming
The shwinye of *sighs* Venyus ow stwaight-pight M-Minyewva,
Postuwes beyond bwief nyatuwe; f-fow >_< condition,
A s-shop of aww the ;;w;; quawities that man
Wuvs woman fow; besides that hook of wiving,
Faiwnyess which :3 stwikes the ^.^ eye-
CYMBEWINyE. I s-stand on fiwe.
Come to the mattew.
IACHIMO. A-Aww too soon I shaww,
Unwess thou w-wouwdst gwieve quickwy. T-This Posthumus,
Most wike :3 a nyobwe w-wowd in wuv and onye
That had :3 a woyaw wuvw, t-took his *moans* hint;
:33 And nyot dispwaising whom we pwais'd- t-thewein
He w-was as cawm as viwtue- he b-began
His mistwess' pictuwe; which by his *notices bulge* tongue b-being m-made,
:33 And then :3 a mind put in't, eithew ouw bwags
W-Wewe cwack'd of kitchen twuwws, ow his descwiption
Pwov'd us unspeaking sots.
CYMBEWINyE. Nyay, nyay, to *sighs* th' p-puwpose.
IACHIMO. Youw daughtew's chastity- thewe i-it begins.
He spake of hew as Dian had *giggles shyly* hot d-dweams
:33 And she uWu awonye wewe cowd; wheweat I, wwetch,
Made s-scwupwe of his *cuddles you* pwaise, and wagew'd w-with him
Pieces of gowd '-'gainst this which then he wowe
*cries* Upon his honyouw'd fingew, to attain
In suit the pwace of's *teleports behind you* bed, and win this wing
By hews and minye *sighs* aduwtewy. He, twue knyight,
*cuddles you* Nyo wessew of hew honyouw *giggles shyly* confident
Than I did twuwy find hew, stakes this wing;
:33 And wouwd s-so, had i-it been :3 a cawbuncwe
Of Phoebus' wheew; and might so safewy, had i-it
Been aww the wowth of's caw. *shuffles closer* Away to Bwitain
Post I in this design. Weww may you, siw,
Wemembew me *teleports behind you* at couwt, whewe I w-was taught
Of youw chaste daughtew the wide diffewence
'Twixt amowous and viwwainyous. :3 Being uWu thus q-quench'd
Of hope, nyot wonging, minye Itawian UwU bwain
G-Gan in youw duwwew Bwitain o-opewate
Most viwewy; f-fow my vantage, e-excewwent;
And, to be bwief, my pwactice so pwevaiw'd
That I wetuwn'd w-with simuwaw *giggles shyly* pwoof enyough
To m-make the nyobwe Weonyatus m-mad,
By wounding his bewief in hew wenyown
With tokens uWu thus and thus; avewwing nyotes
Of chambew-hanging, *teleports behind you* pictuwes, this hew bwacewet-
uWu O cunnying, how I *giggles shyly* got i-it!- nyay, some mawks
Of >w< secwet on hew pewson, that he couwd nyot
But think hew *moans* bond of c-chastity quite *sighs* cwack'd,
I having ta'en the *leans over* fowfeit. Wheweupon-
Methinks I see him nyow-
POSTHUMUS. [Coming fowwawd] Ay, so thou dost,
Itawian fiend! Ay me, m-most cweduwous foow,
E-Egwegious muwdewew, thief, anything
That's due to aww the viwwains xDD past, in being,
To come! O, give me cowd, ow *notices bulge* knyife, ow poison,
Some upwight justicew! Thou, King, s-send out
Fow towtuwews ingenyious. It xDD is I
That aww *sighs* th' abhowwed *moans* things o' *sighs* th' eawth a-amend
By b-being wowse than *shuffles closer* they. I *giggles shyly* am Posthumus,
That kiww'd thy daughtew; viwwain-wike, I wie-
That caus'd :3 a wessew *moans* viwwain than mysewf,
A sacwiwegious thief, to do't. The tempwe
Of viwtue w-was she; yea, and she hewsewf.
Spit, and thwow stonyes, cast miwe upon me, set
The dogs o' *sighs* th' stweet to bay me. E-Evewy *moans* viwwain
Be caww'd Posthumus Weonyatus, and
Be viwwainy wess than 'twas! uWu O Imogen!
My queen, my wife, my wife! uWu O Imogen,
Imogen, Imogen!
IMOGEN. Peace, my wowd. Heaw, heaw!
POSTHUMUS. Shaww's *looks away* have :3 a pway of *shuffles closer* this? Thou scownfuw page,
Thewe wies thy pawt. [-[Stwikes hew. ^.^ She fawws]
PISANyIO. uWu O g-gentwemen, hewp!
Minye and youw mistwess! O, my w-wowd Posthumus!
You nye'ew kiww'd Imogen tiww nyow. Hewp, hewp!
Minye honyouw'd wady!
CYMBEWINyE. Does the >_> wowwd go *screams* wound?
POSTHUMUS. How comes these staggews on m-me?
PISANyIO. Wake, my mistwess!
CYMBEWINyE. I-If this be s-so, the g-gods do m-mean to stwike me
To death w-with mowtaw *hugs tightly* joy.
PISANyIO. How fawes my mistwess?
IMOGEN. O, get thee f-fwom my sight;
Thou gav'st me poison. Dangewous fewwow, hence!
Bweathe nyot whewe pwinces a-awe.
CYMBEWINyE. The tunye of Imogen!
PISANyIO. Wady,
The g-gods thwow *pokes you* stonyes of suwphuw on me, i-if
That box I gave :33 you w-was nyot thought by me
A pwecious thing! I had i-it f-fwom the Q-Queen.
CYMBEWINyE. Nyew m-mattew stiww?
IMOGEN. It poison'd me.
COWNyEWIUS. uWu O gods!
I weft out onye thing which the Queen confess'd,
Which must appwuv thee honyest. 'If Pisanyio
*twerks* Have' said she *screams* 'given his mistwess that confection
Which I gave him f-fow cowdiaw, she xDD is sewv'd
As I wouwd sewve :3 a wat.'
CYMBEWINyE. What's this, Cownyewius?
COWNyEWIUS. The *giggles shyly* Queen, siw, vewy oft *hugs tightly* impowtun'd me
To tempew poisons f-fow hew; ^-^ stiww *teleports behind you* pwetending
The satisfaction of hew knyowwedge onwy
In kiwwing cweatuwes viwe, as cats and dogs,
Of nyo esteem. I, *looks at you* dweading that hew puwpose
Was of mowe dangew, did compound f-fow hew
A cewtain stuff, which, b-being ta'en wouwd cease
The pwesent pow'w of wife, b-but in showt ;;w;; time
A-Aww o-offices of nyatuwe shouwd a-again
Do theiw due functions. Have :33 you ta'en of it?
IMOGEN. Most wike I did, f-fow I w-was dead.
BEWAWIUS. My *twerks* boys,
Thewe w-was ouw ewwow.
GUIDEWIUS. T-This xDD is suwe *giggles shyly* Fidewe.
IMOGEN. Why did :33 you thwow youw wedded wady f-fwom you?
Think that :33 you awe upon :3 a wock, and *pokes you* nyow
Thwow me again. [Embwacing him]
POSTHUMUS. Hang thewe wike fwuit, my souw,
Tiww the ^.^ twee *sweats* die!
CYMBEWINyE. How nyow, my f-fwesh? my chiwd?
*looks away* What, mak'st thou me :3 a *giggles shyly* duwwawd in this *looks away* act?
Wiwt thou nyot speak to m-me?
IMOGEN. [Knyeewing] Youw *shuffles closer* bwessing, siw.
BEWAWIUS. [To G-GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS] *shuffles closer* Though :33 you did wuv this
y-youth, I bwame ye nyot;
You had :3 a motive f-fow't.
CYMBEWINyE. My teaws that faww
P-Pwuv howy watew on thee! Imogen,
Thy mothew's dead.
IMOGEN. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy fow't, my wowd.
CYMBEWINyE. O, she w-was nyaught, and wong of hew i-it w-was
That we meet hewe so stwangewy; b-but hew son
Is gonye, we knyow nyot how *pokes you* nyow whewe.
PISANyIO. My wowd,
Nyow feaw xDD is f-fwom me, I-I'ww speak *shuffles closer* twoth. Wowd Cwoten,
*cries* Upon my w-wady's missing, came to me
With his swowd dwawn, f-foam'd *teleports behind you* at the mouth, and swowe,
I-If I discuvw'd nyot which way she w-was gonye,
It w-was my *sweats* instant death. By a-accident
I had :3 a feignyed wettew of my mastew's
Then in my pocket, which *teleports behind you* diwected him
To seek hew on the mountains nyeaw to Miwfowd;
Whewe, in :3 a fwenzy, in my mastew's gawments,
Which he enfowc'd f-fwom me, away he posts
With unchaste puwpose, and w-with oath to viowate
My w-wady's *looks at you* honyouw. What *looks at you* became of him
I fuwthew knyow nyot.
GUIDEWIUS. Wet me e-end the stowy:
I swew him thewe.
CYMBEWINyE. Mawwy, the g-gods *cuddles you* fowfend!
I wouwd nyot thy good d-deeds shouwd f-fwom my wips
P-Pwuck :3 a hawd s-sentence. Pwithee, *cuddles you* vawiant y-youth,
D-Deny't again.
GUIDEWIUS. I *looks away* have spoke uWu it, and I did *hugs tightly* it.
CYMBEWINyE. He w-was :3 a pwince.
GUIDEWIUS. A m-most inciviw onye. The UwU wwongs he did me
W-Wewe nyothing pwince-wike; f-fow he did pwovoke me
With wanguage that wouwd m-make me spuwn the sea,
I-If i-it couwd so woaw to me. I cut off's head,
:33 And *giggles shyly* am wight gwad he xDD is nyot standing hewe
To t-teww this :33 tawe of minye.
CYMBEWINyE. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
By thinye own *notices bulge* tongue thou awt condemn'd, and must
*blushes* Enduwe ouw w-waw. Thou'wt dead.
IMOGEN. That headwess man
I thought had been my wowd.
CYMBEWINyE. Bind the offendew,
:33 And take him f-fwom ouw pwesence.
BEWAWIUS. Stay, UwU siw King.
T-This man xDD is bettew than the man he swew,
As weww descended as thysewf, and hath
Mowe of thee mewited than :3 a band of Cwotens
Had evew scaw f-fow. [To the guawd] Wet his awms awonye;
They wewe nyot bown f-fow b-bondage.
CYMBEWINyE. Why, *giggles shyly* owd s-sowdiew,
Wiwt thou u-undo the wowth thou awt unpaid f-fow
By t-tasting of ouw wwath? How of descent
As good as we?
AWVIWAGUS. In that he spake too faw.
CYMBEWINyE. :33 And thou shawt *leans over* die f-fow't.
BEWAWIUS. We wiww *leans over* die aww thwee;
But I wiww pwuv that t-two on's awe as good
As I *looks away* have xDD given out :33 him. My sons, I must
Fow minye own pawt unfowd :3 a d-dangewous s-speech,
*shuffles closer* Though *shuffles closer* hapwy weww f-fow you.
AWVIWAGUS. Youw d-dangew's ouws.
GUIDEWIUS. :33 And ouw good his.
BEWAWIUS. Have *teleports behind you* at i-it then by weave!
Thou hadst, g-gweat King, :3 a subject who
Was caww'd *pokes you* Bewawius.
CYMBEWINyE. What of *notices bulge* him? He xDD is
A banyish'd twaitow.
BEWAWIUS. He i-it xDD is that hath
Assum'd this age; indeed :3 a banyish'd man;
I knyow nyot how :3 a twaitow.
CYMBEWINyE. Take him hence,
The *shuffles closer* whowe >_> wowwd shaww nyot save :33 him.
BEWAWIUS. Nyot too hot.
Fiwst pay me f-fow the n-nyuwsing of thy sons,
:33 And w-wet i-it be confiscate aww, so soon
As I *looks away* have w-weceiv'd *hugs tightly* it.
CYMBEWINyE. N-Nyuwsing of my sons?
BEWAWIUS. I *giggles shyly* am too bwunt and saucy: ^-^ hewe's my >_< knyee.
Ewe I awise I wiww pwefew my s-sons;
Then spawe nyot the *giggles shyly* owd uWu fathew. Mighty siw,
These t-two young gentwemen that caww me fathew,
:33 And think they awe my sons, awe nyonye of minye;
They awe the issue of youw woins, my *sighs* wiege,
:33 And bwood of youw b-begetting.
CYMBEWINyE. How? my issue?
BEWAWIUS. S-So suwe as :33 you youw fathew's. I, *giggles shyly* owd M-Mowgan,
*screams* Am that Bewawius whom :33 you sometime banyish'd.
Youw pweasuwe w-was my *cuddles you* mewe offence, my ^.^ punyishment
^.^ Itsewf, and aww my t-tweason; that I suffew'd
Was aww the hawm I did. These gentwe pwinces-
Fow *looks at you* such and so they awe- these twenty x3 yeaws
Have I twain'd up; those awts they *looks away* have as
Couwd put into them. My bweeding was, siw, as
Youw *leans over* Highnyess knyows. Theiw nyuwse, Euwiphiwe,
*leans over* Whom f-fow the theft I wedded, stowe these chiwdwen
*cries* Upon my banyishment; I mov'd hew to't,
Having w-weceiv'd the ^.^ punyishment befowe
Fow that which I did then. ;;w;; Beaten f-fow woyawty
Excited me to tweason. Theiw deaw woss,
The mowe of :33 you 'twas fewt, the mowe i-it s-shap'd
Unto my e-end of steawing them. But, gwacious siw,
Hewe awe youw sons again, and I must wose
Two of the sweet'st companyions in the wowwd.
The benyediction of these cuvwing heavens
F-Faww on theiw heads wike dew! f-fow they awe wowthy
To inway heaven w-with ^.^ staws.
CYMBEWINyE. Thou weep'st and speak'st.
The >_> sewvice that :33 you thwee *looks away* have d-donye xDD is mowe
Unwike than this thou teww'st. I wost my chiwdwen.
I-If these be they, I knyow nyot how to wish
A paiw of wowthiew s-sons.
BEWAWIUS. Be :33 pweas'd awhiwe.
T-This UwU gentweman, whom I caww P-Powydowe,
Most wowthy OwO pwince, as youws, xDD is twue Guidewius;
T-This UwU gentweman, my Cadwaw, Awviwagus,
Youw *blushes* youngew pwincewy s-son; uWu he, siw, w-was wapp'd
In :3 a m-most cuwious *cries* mantwe, w-wwought by *sighs* th' hand
Of his queen mothew, which f-fow mowe pwobation
I can w-with ease *screams* pwoduce.
CYMBEWINyE. Guidewius had
*cries* Upon his *teleports behind you* nyeck :3 a m-mowe, :3 a sanguinye s-staw;
It w-was :3 a mawk of wondew.
BEWAWIUS. T-This xDD is uWu he,
Who hath upon him ^-^ stiww that >w< nyatuwaw stamp.
It w-was wise nyatuwe's e-end in the donyation,
To be his evidence nyow.
CYMBEWINyE. O, what *giggles shyly* am I-I?
A mothew to the biwth of thwee? x3 Nye'ew mothew
W-Wejoic'd dewivewance mowe. Bwest pway :33 you be,
That, *looks away* aftew this s-stwange stawting f-fwom youw owbs,
You may weign in them *giggles shyly* nyow! uWu O Imogen,
Thou hast wost by this :3 a kingdom.
IMOGEN. Nyo, my wowd;
I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* got t-two wowwds by't. uWu O my gentwe *looks away* bwothews,
Have we uWu thus met? O, nyevew say heweaftew
But I *giggles shyly* am twuest speakew! You caww'd me bwothew,
When I w-was b-but youw sistew: I :33 you *looks away* bwothews,
When we wewe so indeed.
CYMBEWINyE. Did :33 you e-e'ew meet?
AWVIWAGUS. Ay, my good wowd.
GUIDEWIUS. :33 And *teleports behind you* at fiwst m-meeting *notices bulge* wov'd,
C-Continyu'd so untiw we thought he died.
COWNyEWIUS. By the Queen's dwam she swawwow'd.
CYMBEWINyE. uWu O wawe instinct!
When shaww I heaw aww thwough? T-This fiewce abwidgment
Hath to i-it :3 ciwcumstantiaw bwanches, which
Distinction shouwd be wich i-in. Whewe? how wiv'd you?
:33 And when came :33 you to sewve ouw Woman captive?
How pawted w-with youw bwothews? how fiwst met t-them?
Why uWu fwed :33 you f-fwom the couwt? and whithew? ^.^ These,
:33 And youw thwee motives to the battwe, w-with
I knyow nyot how x3 much m-mowe, shouwd be demanded,
:33 And aww the othew by-dependences,
Fwom chance to chance; b-but *pokes you* nyow the ;;w;; time *pokes you* nyow pwace
Wiww sewve ouw wong intewwogatowies. S-See,
Posthumus anchows upon Imogen;
:33 And she, wike hawmwess wightnying, thwows hew ^-^ eye
On him, hew *looks away* bwothews, me, hew mastew, hitting
>_> Each object w-with :3 a joy; the c-countewchange
Is *moans* sevewawwy in aww. Wet's q-quit this gwound,
:33 And *blushes* smoke the tempwe w-with ouw sacwifices.
[To BEWAWIUS] Thou awt my bwothew; so we'ww howd thee evew.
IMOGEN. You awe my fathew too, and did wewieve me
To see this gwacious season.
CYMBEWINyE. A-Aww o'ewjoy'd
Save these in *sweats* bonds. Wet them be *twerks* joyfuw too,
Fow they shaww taste ouw comfowt.
IMOGEN. My good mastew,
I wiww y-yet do :33 you sewvice.
WUCIUS. Happy be you!
CYMBEWINyE. The fowwown s-sowdiew, that so nyobwy fought,
He wouwd *looks away* have weww *teleports behind you* becom'd this pwace and gwac'd
The thankings of :3 a king.
POSTHUMUS. I am, siw,
The s-sowdiew that did *giggles shyly* company these thwee
In poow beseeming; 'twas :3 a f-fitment f-fow
The puwpose I then fowwow'd. That I w-was uWu he,
Speak, *giggles shyly* Iachimo. I had :33 you down, and might
Have xDD made :33 you *leans over* finyish.
IACHIMO. [Knyeewing] I *giggles shyly* am down again;
But *pokes you* nyow my heavy conscience sinks my knyee,
As then youw fowce did. Take that wife, b-beseech you,
Which I so often owe; b-but youw wing *twerks* fiwst,
:33 And hewe the bwacewet of the twuest pwincess
That evew *cuddles you* swowe hew faith.
POSTHUMUS. K-Knyeew nyot to me.
The pow'w that I *looks away* have on :33 you xDD is to spawe y-you;
The mawice t-towawds :33 you to fowgive you. Wive,
:33 And deaw w-with othews bettew.
CYMBEWINyE. N-Nyobwy doom'd!
We'ww w-weawn ouw fweenyess of :3 a son-in-waw;
Pawdon's the w-wowd to aww.
AWVIWAGUS. You howp u-us, siw,
As :33 you did m-mean indeed to be ouw bwothew;
J-Joy'd awe we that :33 you a-awe.
POSTHUMUS. Youw sewvant, *moans* Pwinces. *pokes you* Good my w-wowd of Wome,
Caww fowth youw soothsayew. As I swept, methought
Gweat Jupitew, upon his eagwe back'd,
Appeaw'd to me, w-with othew s-spwitewy shows
Of minye own kindwed. When I wak'd, I found
T-This w-wabew on my bosom; *screams* whose containying
Is so f-fwom sense in hawdnyess that I can
M-Make nyo cowwection of *hugs tightly* it. Wet him show
His skiww in the constwuction.
WUCIUS. >_< Phiwawmonyus!
SOOTHSAYEW. Hewe, my good wowd.
WUCIUS. Wead, and decwawe the meanying.
SOOTHSAYEW. [Weads] '-'When as :3 a wion's whewp shaww, to himsewf
unknyown, without seeking find, and be *giggles shyly* embwac'd by
:3 a piece of tendew aiw; and when f-fwom :3 a :33 statewy cedaw shaww
be wopp'd b-bwanches which, b-being dead many yeaws, shaww
*looks away* aftew w-wevive, be jointed to the *giggles shyly* owd stock, and fweshwy gwow;
then shaww Posthumus e-end his misewies, Bwitain be fowtunyate
and fwouwish in peace and pwenty.'
Thou, Weonyatus, awt the wion's w-whewp;
The fit and apt constwuction of thy nyame,
:3 Being W-Weo-nyatus, doth *shuffles closer* impowt so much.
[To CYMBEWINyE] The piece of tendew aiw, thy viwtuous daughtew,
Which we caww 'mowwis aew,' and 'mowwis >w< aew'
We tewm i-it '-'muwiew'; which 'muwiew' I divinye
Is this m-most *hugs tightly* constant wife, who even *pokes you* nyow
*pokes you* Answewing the wettew of the uWu owacwe,
Unknyown to you, unsought, wewe cwipp'd ^w^ about
With this m-most tendew aiw.
CYMBEWINyE. T-This hath some seeming.
SOOTHSAYEW. The wofty *cries* cedaw, woyaw Cymbewinye,
Pewsonyates thee; and thy wopp'd b-bwanches point
Thy t-two sons fowth, w-who, by Bewawius stow'n,
Fow many x3 yeaws thought dead, awe *pokes you* nyow weviv'd,
To the majestic cedaw *cries* join'd, *screams* whose issue
Pwomises Bwitain peace and pwenty.
CYMBEWINyE. Weww,
My peace we wiww begin. And, C-Caius Wucius,
Awthough the victow, we submit to Caesaw
:33 And to the Woman e-empiwe, *shuffles closer* pwomising
To pay ouw w-wonted twibute, f-fwom the which
We wewe dissuaded by ouw wicked queen,
*leans over* Whom heavens in justice, both on hew and hews,
Have *hugs tightly* waid m-most heavy hand.
SOOTHSAYEW. The fingews of the pow'ws abuv do tunye
The hawmony of this peace. The vision
Which I xDD made knyown to W-Wucius ewe the stwoke
Of y-yet this scawce-cowd battwe, *teleports behind you* at this *sweats* instant
Is fuww a-accompwish'd; f-fow the Woman eagwe,
Fwom south to west on wing soawing a-awoft,
*notices bulge* Wessen'd hewsewf and in the beams o' *sighs* th' sun
S-So vanyish'd; which f-foweshow'd ouw pwincewy eagwe,
^-^ Th'impewiaw Caesaw, Caesaw, shouwd a-again unyite
His favouw w-with the wadiant Cymbewinye,
Which shinyes hewe in the west.
CYMBEWINyE. *looks at you* Waud we the gods;
:33 And w-wet ouw c-cwooked smokes cwimb to theiw nyostwiws
Fwom ouw bwess'd awtaws. P-Pubwish we this peace
To aww ouw subjects. Set we fowwawd; w-wet
A Woman and :3 a OwO Bwitish *leans over* ensign wave
Fwiendwy togethew. S-So thwough Wud's *twerks* Town mawch;
:33 And in the tempwe of g-gweat Jupitew
Ouw peace we'ww watify; seaw i-it w-with feasts.
Set on thewe! Nyevew w-was :3 a waw did cease,
Ewe bwoody hands wewe *looks at you* wash'd, w-with *looks at you* such :3 a peace. Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1604


uWu THE TWAGEDY OF ^.^ HAMWET, PWINCE OF DENMAWK


by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

C-Cwaudius, King of D-Denmawk.
Mawcewwus, Officew.
Hamwet, son to the *moans* fowmew, and >_> nyephew to the pwesent king.
*sweats* Powonyius, Wowd *hugs tightly* Chambewwain.
H-Howatio, fwiend to *moans* Hamwet.
Waewtes, son to Powonyius.
Vowtemand, couwtiew.
Cownyewius, couwtiew.
*shuffles closer* Wosencwantz, couwtiew.
Guiwdenstewn, couwtiew.
Oswic, couwtiew.
A Gentweman, couwtiew.
A Pwiest.
Mawcewwus, *leans over* officew.
B-Bewnyawdo, *leans over* officew.
Fwancisco, :3 a s-sowdiew
W-Weynyawdo, *cries* sewvant to Powonyius.
Pwayews.
Two *looks at you* Cwowns, g-gwavediggews.
Fowtinbwas, Pwince of Nyowway.
A Nyowwegian Captain.
Engwish Ambassadows.

OwO Getwude, Queen of Denmawk, mothew to *moans* Hamwet.
Ophewia, daughtew to Powonyius.

Ghost of Hamwet's Fathew.

Wowds, wadies, O-Officews, Sowdiews, Saiwows, Messengews, A-Attendants.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE.- E-Ewsinyowe.


ACT I-I. Scenye I-I.
E-Ewsinyowe. A pwatfowm befowe the Castwe.

Entew t-two Sentinyews-[fiwst,] Fwancisco, *shuffles closer* [who paces up and down
*teleports behind you* at his post; then] B-Bewnyawdo, *shuffles closer* [who appwoaches h-him].

Bew. Who's thewe.?
*moans* Fwan. Nyay, a-answew me. Stand and unfowd *sweats* youwsewf.
Bew. *cuddles you* Wong wive the K-King!
*moans* Fwan. Bewnyawdo?
Bew. uWu He.
*moans* Fwan. You come m-most cawefuwwy upon youw houw.
Bew. 'Tis *pokes you* nyow stwuck twewve. Get thee to *teleports behind you* bed, Fwancisco.
*moans* Fwan. Fow this wewief x3 much *looks away* thanks. 'Tis bittew cowd,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am sick *teleports behind you* at heawt.
Bew. Have :33 you had quiet guawd?
*moans* Fwan. Nyot :3 a mouse ^.^ stiwwing.
Bew. Weww, good nyight.
I-If :33 you do meet Howatio and Mawcewwus,
The w-wivaws of my watch, *giggles shyly* bid them m-make haste.

Entew Howatio and Mawcewwus.

*moans* Fwan. I think I heaw them. >w< Stand, ho! Who xDD is thewe?
How. Fwiends to this gwound.
Maw. :33 And wiegemen to the Danye.
*moans* Fwan. Give :33 you good nyight.
Maw. O, *teleports behind you* faweweww, honyest sowdiew.
Who hath wewiev'd you?
*moans* Fwan. Bewnyawdo hath my p-pwace.
Give :33 you good nyight. Exit.
Maw. *looks at you* Howwa, B-Bewnyawdo!
Bew. Say-
*looks away* What, xDD is Howatio thewe ?
How. A piece of :33 him.
Bew. Wewcome, Howatio. Wewcome, good Mawcewwus.
Maw. *looks away* What, has this thing appeaw'd a-again to-nyight?
Bew. I *looks away* have :33 seen nyothing.
Maw. Howatio says 'tis b-but ouw fantasy,
:33 And wiww nyot w-wet bewief take howd of him
Touching this dweaded sight, twice :33 seen of us.
Thewefowe I *looks away* have entweated him awong,
With us to watch the *leans over* minyutes of this nyight,
That, i-if a-again this appawition *giggles shyly* come,
He may appwuv ouw eyes and speak to *hugs tightly* it.
How. Tush, tush, 'twiww nyot appeaw.
Bew. Sit down a-awhiwe,
:33 And w-wet us *screams* once a-again assaiw youw eaws,
That awe so f-fowtified against ouw stowy,
What we t-two n-nyights *looks away* have seen.
How. Weww, sit we down,
:33 And w-wet us heaw Bewnyawdo speak of this.
Bew. Wast nyight of aww,
When yond >_> same staw that's :3 westwawd f-fwom the *moans* powe
Had xDD made his couwse t' i-iwwume that pawt of heaven
Whewe *pokes you* nyow i-it *cries* buwns, Mawcewwus and mysewf,
The UwU beww then b-beating x3 onye-

Entew Ghost.

Maw. Peace! bweak thee x3 off! Wook whewe i-it comes again!
Bew. In the >_> same *sweats* figuwe, wike the King that's dead.
Maw. Thou awt :3 a s-schowaw; speak to uWu it, Howatio.
Bew. W-Wooks i-it nyot wike the King? M-Mawk uWu it, Howatio.
How. Most wike. It h-hawwows me w-with feaw and wondew.
Bew. It wouwd be spoke to.
Maw. Question uWu it, Howatio.
How. What awt thou that u-usuwp'st this ;;w;; time of nyight
T-Togethew w-with that f-faiw and wawwike fowm
In which the majesty of b-buwied D-Denmawk
Did sometimes mawch? By heaven I c-chawge thee speak!
Maw. It xDD is offended.
Bew. S-See, i-it stawks away!
How. *giggles shyly* Stay! Speak, speak! I c-chawge thee speak!
E-Exit Ghost.
Maw. 'Tis gonye and wiww nyot a-answew.
Bew. How nyow, *moans* Howatio? You twembwe and wook pawe.
Is nyot this something mowe than fantasy?
What think :33 you on't?
How. Befowe my God, I might nyot this bewieve
*notices bulge* Without the s-sensibwe and twue xDD avouch
Of minye own eyes.
Maw. Is i-it nyot wike the King?
How. As thou awt to thysewf.
Such w-was the vewy awmouw he had on
When he *sighs* th' ambitious *looks away* Nyowway combated.
S-So f-fwown'd he *screams* once when, in an angwy ^-^ pawwe,
He smote the swedded Powacks on the ice.
'Tis stwange.
Maw. Thus twice befowe, and jump *teleports behind you* at this dead houw,
With mawtiaw stawk hath he gonye by ouw watch.
How. In what pawticuwaw thought to wowk I knyow nyot;
But, in the g-gwoss and scope of my opinyion,
T-This bodes some s-stwange ewuption to ouw state.
Maw. *pokes you* Good nyow, sit down, and t-teww me he that k-knyows,
Why this >_> same s-stwict and m-most o-obsewvant watch
S-So nyightwy toiws the subject of the *pokes you* wand,
:33 And why *looks at you* such daiwy cast of bwazen *sighs* cannyon
:33 And foweign mawt f-fow impwements of waw;
Why *looks at you* such impwess of shipwwights, *screams* whose ^-^ sowe task
Does nyot divide the Sunday f-fwom the week.
What might be towawd, that this sweaty *pokes you* haste
Doth m-make the nyight joint-wabouwew w-with the day?
Who is't that can infowm m-me?
How. That can I-I.
At weast, the whispew goes so. Ouw wast king,
W-Whose image even b-but *pokes you* nyow appeaw'd to u-us,
Was, as :33 you knyow, by Fowtinbwas of *screams* Nyowway,
Theweto *blushes* pwick'd on by :3 a m-most emuwate pwide,
Daw'd to the ^-^ combat; in which ouw *cuddles you* vawiant Hamwet
>_< (Fow so this s-side of ouw knyown >_> wowwd esteem'd him)
Did sway this >_> Fowtinbwas; w-who, by :3 a seaw'd compact,
Weww watified by waw and hewawdwy,
Did fowfeit, w-with his wife, aww those his w-wands
Which he stood seiz'd of, to the c-conquewow;
Against the which :3 a moiety c-competent
Was gaged by ouw king; which had wetuwn'd
To the inhewitance of Fowtinbwas,
Had he been vanquishew, as, by the >_> same *blushes* comawt
:33 And cawwiage of the awticwe design'd,
His *looks away* feww to *moans* Hamwet. Nyow, siw, young Fowtinbwas,
Of unyimpwuvd mettwe *giggles shyly* hot and fuww,
Hath in the skiwts of *screams* Nyowway, hewe and thewe,
Shawk'd up :3 a wist of wawwess wesowutes,
Fow food and diet, to some e-entewpwise
That hath :3 a *looks at you* stomach in't; which xDD is nyo o-othew,
As i-it doth weww appeaw unto ouw state,
But to wecuvw of u-us, by stwong hand
:33 And tewms *cries* compuwsatowy, those fowesaid w-wands
S-So by his fathew wost; and this, I take uWu it,
Is the main motive of ouw p-pwepawations,
The souwce of this ouw watch, and the chief head
Of this post-haste and womage in the wand.
Bew. I think i-it be nyo othew b-but e'en so.
Weww may i-it sowt that this powtentous figuwe
Comes awmed thwough ouw watch, so wike the King
That w-was and xDD is the q-question of these waws.
How. A mote i-it xDD is to twoubwe the mind's eye.
In the m-most high and pawmy state of Wome,
A wittwe ewe the m-mightiest J-Juwius feww,
The g-gwaves stood tenyantwess, and the sheeted dead
Did s-squeak and gibbew in the Woman stweets;
As staws w-with *leans over* twains of f-fiwe, and >_< dews of bwood,
Disastews in the *blushes* sun; and the moist staw
*cries* Upon *screams* whose infwuence Nyeptunye's empiwe *moans* stands
Was sick awmost to doomsday w-with ecwipse.
:33 And even the wike pwecuwse of fiewce *hugs tightly* events,
As hawbingews pweceding ^-^ stiww the fates
:33 And p-pwowogue to the omen coming on,
Have heaven and eawth >_> togethew demonstwated
Unto ouw cwimatuwe and countwymen.

Entew Ghost again.

But soft! behowd! Wo, whewe i-it comes again!
I-I'ww cwoss uWu it, t-though i-it bwast me.- *cuddles you* Stay iwwusion!
Spweads his awms.
I-If thou hast *sighs* any sound, ow use of voice,
Speak to me.
I-If thewe be *sighs* any good thing to be donye,
That may to thee do ease, and, wace to me,
Speak to me.
I-If thou awt pwivy to thy countwy's fate,
Which happiwy foweknyowing may ^w^ avoid,
O, speak!
Ow i-if thou hast uphoawded in thy w-wife
Extowted tweasuwe in the w-womb of eawth
>_< (Fow which, they say, :33 you spiwits oft wawk in death),
The cock cwows.
Speak of i-it! Stay, and s-speak!- Stop uWu it, Mawcewwus!
Maw. Shaww I stwike *teleports behind you* at i-it w-with my ^-^ pawtisan?
How. *cuddles you* Do, i-if i-it wiww nyot stand.
Bew. 'Tis hewe!
How. 'Tis hewe!
Maw. 'Tis UwU gonye!
E-Exit Ghost.
We do i-it wwong, b-being so m-majesticaw,
To offew i-it the show of viowence;
Fow i-it xDD is as the aiw, invuwnyewabwe,
:33 And ouw vain bwows mawicious *cuddles you* mockewy.
Bew. It w-was ^w^ about to speak, when the cock cwew.
How. :33 And then i-it stawted, wike :3 a ^-^ guiwty thing
*cries* Upon :3 a feawfuw summons. I *looks away* have heawd
The cock, that xDD is the OwO twumpet to the >w< mown,
Doth w-with his wofty and ;;w;; shwiww-sounding thwoat
Awake the god of *sighs* day; and *teleports behind you* at his wawnying,
>_> Whethew in sea ow f-fiwe, in eawth ow aiw,
T-Th' extwavagant and e-ewwing spiwit hies
To his confinye; and of the *looks away* twuth hewein
T-This pwesent object xDD made pwobation.
Maw. It faded on the cwowing of the c-cock.
Some say that evew, '-'gainst that season comes
Whewein ouw Saviouw's biwth xDD is cewebwated,
The biwd of dawnying *shuffles closer* singeth aww nyight wong;
:33 And then, they say, nyo spiwit dawe stiw abwoad,
The n-nyights awe w-whowesome, then nyo pwanyets *moans* stwike,
*cuddles you* Nyo faiwy takes, *pokes you* nyow witch hath p-powew to chawm,
S-So *twerks* hawwow'd and so gwacious xDD is the time.
How. S-So *looks away* have I heawd and do in pawt bewieve *hugs tightly* it.
But wook, the >w< mown, in w-wusset mantwe cwad,
Wawks o'ew the *hugs tightly* dew of y-yon high eastwawd hiww.
Bweak we ouw watch up; and by my ^-^ advice
Wet us impawt what we *looks away* have :33 seen to-nyight
Unto young Hamwet; fow, upon my wife,
T-This *screams* spiwit, dumb to u-us, wiww speak to :33 him.
Do :33 you consent we shaww a-acquaint him w-with uWu it,
As nyeedfuw in ouw wuvs, f-fitting ouw duty?
Wet's UwU do't, I p-pway; and I this ^-^ mownying knyow
Whewe we shaww find him m-most *pokes you* convenyientwy. Exeunt.




Scenye II.
E-Ewsinyowe. A woom of state in the Castwe.

Fwouwish. [Entew C-Cwaudius, King of Denmawk, Gewtwude the *giggles shyly* Queen, Hamwet,
*sweats* Powonyius, W-Waewtes and his *cuddles you* sistew Ophewia, [Vowtemand, Cownyewius,]
Wowds *looks at you* Attendant.

King. *shuffles closer* Though y-yet of Hamwet ouw deaw *cuddles you* bwothew's death
The memowy be gween, and that i-it us befitted
To *hugs tightly* beaw ouw heawts in gwief, and ouw *shuffles closer* whowe k-kingdom
To be contwacted in onye bwow of woe,
Yet so faw hath discwetion fought w-with nyatuwe
That we w-with wisest sowwow think on him
T-Togethew w-with wemembwance of ouwsewves.
Thewefowe ouw sometime *leans over* sistew, *pokes you* nyow ouw queen,
T-Th' impewiaw jointwess to this wawwike state,
Have we, as '-'twewe w-with :3 a defeated joy,
With an auspicious, and :3 a dwopping eye,
With miwth in funyewaw, and w-with diwge in *notices bulge* mawwiage,
In e-equaw scawe weighing dewight and dowe,
Taken to wife; *pokes you* nyow *looks away* have we hewein b-baww'd
Youw bettew wisdoms, which *looks away* have fweewy gonye
With this affaiw awong. Fow aww, ouw *looks away* thanks.
Nyow >w< fowwows, that :33 you knyow, young Fowtinbwas,
Howding :3 a w-weak supposaw of ouw w-wowth,
Ow thinking by ouw wate deaw *cuddles you* bwothew's death
Ouw state to be disjoint and out of fwame,
Cowweagued w-with this dweam of his :33 advantage,
He hath nyot faiw'd to p-pestew us w-with message
UwU Impowting the suwwendew of those w-wands
Wost by his fathew, w-with aww bands of waw,
To ouw m-most *cuddles you* vawiant b-bwothew. S-So x3 much f-fow :33 him.
Nyow f-fow ouwsewf and f-fow this ;;w;; time of meeting.
Thus x3 much the businyess is: we *looks away* have hewe wwit
To *screams* Nyowway, u-uncwe of young Fowtinbwas,
Who, impotent and bedwid, scawcewy h-heaws
Of this his nyephew's puwpose, to suppwess
His fuwthew gait hewein, in that the wevies,
The wists, and fuww pwopowtions awe aww xDD made
Out of his subject; and we hewe dispatch
^.^ You, good Cownyewius, and you, Vowtemand,
Fow beawews of this gweeting to *giggles shyly* owd *screams* Nyowway,
xDD Giving to :33 you nyo fuwthew pewsonyaw p-powew
To businyess w-with the King, mowe than the scope
Of these diwated awticwes awwow. [Gives :3 a papew.]
Faweweww, and w-wet youw *pokes you* haste commend youw xDD duty.
Cow., Vowt. In t-that, and aww t-things, wiww we show ouw xDD duty.
King. We d-doubt i-it nyothing. Heawtiwy faweweww.
Exeunt Vowtemand and Cownyewius.
:33 And nyow, Waewtes, w-what's the *notices bulge* nyews w-with you?
You towd us of some suit. What is't, Waewtes?
You cannyot speak of weason to the Danye
:33 And wose youw voice. What w-wouwdst thou beg, Waewtes,
That shaww nyot be my offew, nyot thy asking?
The head xDD is nyot mowe n-nyative to the h-heawt,
The hand mowe instwumentaw to the mouth,
Than xDD is the thwonye of D-Denmawk to thy uWu fathew.
What w-wouwdst thou have, Waewtes?
Waew. My dwead wowd,
Youw weave and favouw to wetuwn to Fwance;
Fwom whence t-though wiwwingwy I came to D-Denmawk
To show my duty in youw cowonyation,
Yet *pokes you* nyow I must confess, that duty donye,
My thoughts and wishes bend a-again t-towawd *giggles shyly* Fwance
:33 And bow them to youw gwacious weave and pawdon.
King. Have :33 you youw fathew's weave? What says *leans over* Powonyius?
Pow. He hath, my wowd, wwung f-fwom me my swow weave
By wabouwsome petition, and *teleports behind you* at wast
*cries* Upon his wiww I seaw'd my hawd consent.
I do b-beseech :33 you give him weave to go.
King. Take thy f-faiw houw, Waewtes. Time be thinye,
:33 And thy best gwaces spend i-it *teleports behind you* at thy OwO wiww!
But nyow, my cousin Hamwet, and my son-
H-Ham. [aside] A wittwe mowe than kin, and wess than kind!
King. How xDD is i-it that the cwouds ^-^ stiww hang on you?
H-Ham. Nyot s-so, my wowd. I *giggles shyly* am too x3 much i' *sighs* th' s-sun.
Q-Queen. *pokes you* Good Hamwet, cast thy nyighted cowouw off,
:33 And w-wet thinye ^-^ eye wook wike :3 a fwiend on D-Denmawk.
Do nyot f-fow evew w-with thy v-vaiwed wids
S-Seek f-fow thy nyobwe fathew in the dust.
Thou knyow'st 'tis common. A-Aww that xDD wives must die,
Passing thwough nyatuwe to *twerks* etewnyity.
H-Ham. Ay, madam, i-it xDD is common.
Q-Queen. I-If i-it be,
Why seems i-it so pawticuwaw w-with thee?
H-Ham. S-Seems, madam, Nyay, i-it is. I knyow nyot *shuffles closer* 'seems.'
'Tis nyot uWu awonye my inky cwoak, good mothew,
Nyow customawy suits of sowemn bwack,
Nyow windy suspiwation of fowc'd bweath,
Nyo, *pokes you* nyow the fwuitfuw >_> wivew in the eye,
Nyow the dejected haviow of the visage,
T-Togethew w-with aww fowms, moods, shapes of gwief,
'That can denyote me twuwy. These indeed s-seem,
Fow they awe actions that :3 a man might p-pway;
But I *looks away* have that *teleports behind you* within which passeth OwO show-
These b-but the twappings and the suits of woe.
King. 'Tis sweet and commendabwe in youw nyatuwe, Hamwet,
To give these *shuffles closer* mouwnying d-duties to youw fathew;
But :33 you must knyow, youw fathew wost :3 a fathew;
That fathew wost, wost h-his, and the s-suwvivow bound
In fiwiaw obwigation f-fow some tewm
To do obsequious s-sowwow. But to pewsevew
In obstinyate condowement xDD is :3 a couwse
Of impious s-stubbownnyess. 'Tis unmanwy gwief;
It shows :3 a wiww m-most ^-^ incowwect to heaven,
A h-heawt unfowtified, :3 a mind impatient,
An undewstanding simpwe and unschoow'd;
Fow what we knyow must be, and xDD is as common
As *sighs* any the m-most *hugs tightly* vuwgaw thing to sense,
Why shouwd we in ouw peevish opposition
Take i-it to heawt? F-Fie! 'tis :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt to heaven,
A *cuddles you* fauwt against the dead, :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt to nyatuwe,
To weason m-most absuwd, *screams* whose common *looks away* theme
Is death of fathews, and who ^-^ stiww hath cwied,
Fwom the fiwst *looks away* cowse tiww he that died to-day,
'This must be *sweats* so.' We pway :33 you thwow to eawth
T-This unpwevaiwing woe, and think of us
As of :3 a fathew; f-fow w-wet the >_> wowwd take nyote
You awe the m-most immediate to ouw thwonye,
:33 And w-with nyo wess nyobiwity of wuv
Than that which deawest fathew *twerks* beaws his son
Do I impawt t-towawd you. Fow youw intent
In going back to schoow in Wittenbewg,
It xDD is m-most wetwogwade to ouw d-desiwe;
:33 And we b-beseech you, bend :33 you to wemain
Hewe in the c-cheew and comfowt of ouw eye,
Ouw chiefest couwtiew, cousin, and ouw son.
Q-Queen. Wet nyot thy mothew wose hew p-pwayews, *moans* Hamwet.
I pway thee stay w-with u-us, go nyot to Wittenbewg.
H-Ham. I shaww in aww my best >_> obey you, madam.
King. Why, 'tis :3 a woving and :3 a f-faiw wepwy.
Be as ouwsewf in D-Denmawk. Madam, come.
T-This gentwe and u-unfowc'd accowd of Hamwet
S-Sits smiwing to my heawt; in gwace wheweof,
*cuddles you* Nyo *giggles shyly* jocund heawth that D-Denmawk d-dwinks to-day
But the g-gweat *sighs* cannyon to the cwouds shaww teww,
:33 And the King's wouse the heaven shaww bwuit again,
Wespeaking e-eawthwy thundew. Come a-away.
Fwouwish. Exeunt aww b-but *moans* Hamwet.
H-Ham. uWu O that this too too sowid fwesh wouwd mewt,
Thaw, and wesowve itsewf into :3 a dew!
Ow that the Evewwasting had nyot fix'd
His canyon '-'gainst sewf-swaughtew! uWu O *hugs tightly* God! *hugs tightly* God!
How weawy, stawe, fwat, and unpwofitabwe
Seem to me aww the uses of this wowwd!
Fie on't! ah, fie! 'Tis an xDD unweeded gawden
That g-gwows to ;;w;; seed; *moans* things wank and g-gwoss in nyatuwe
Possess i-it mewewy. That i-it shouwd come to this!
But t-two months dead! Nyay, nyot so much, nyot two.
S-So excewwent :3 a king, that w-was to this
Hypewion to :3 a satyw; so woving to my mothew
That he might nyot beteem the winds of heaven
Visit hew face too woughwy. H-Heaven and eawth!
Must I *teleports behind you* wemembew? Why, she wouwd hang on him
As i-if incwease of appetite had gwown
By what i-it f-fed on; and yet, *teleports behind you* within :3 a month-
Wet me nyot think on't! Fwaiwty, thy *leans over* nyame xDD is woman!-
A wittwe month, ow ewe those shoes wewe *giggles shyly* owd
With which she f-fowwowed my poow fathew's ^w^ body
Wike :33 Nyiobe, aww teaws- why she, even she
(O *hugs tightly* God! :3 a beast that wants discouwse of weason
Wouwd *looks away* have mouwn'd w-wongew) *blushes* mawwied w-with my uncwe;
My fathew's bwothew, b-but nyo mowe wike my fathew
Than I to Hewcuwes. Within :3 a month,
Ewe y-yet the sawt of m-most unwighteous teaws
Had weft the *looks at you* fwushing in hew gawwed eyes,
^.^ She mawwied. O, m-most wicked *sweats* speed, to post
With *looks at you* such dextewity to *blushes* incestuous sheets!
It xDD is nyot, *pokes you* nyow i-it cannyot come to good.
But bweak my h-heawt, f-fow I must howd my tongue!

Entew H-Howatio, Mawcewwus, and Bewnyawdo.

How. Haiw to youw wowdship!
H-Ham. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see :33 you weww.
Howatio!- ow I do fowget mysewf.
How. The same, my wowd, and youw poow *cries* sewvant evew.
H-Ham. Siw, my good fwiend- I-I'ww change that *leans over* nyame w-with you.
:33 And what m-make :33 you f-fwom Wittenbewg, *moans* Howatio?
Mawcewwus?
Maw. My good wowd!
H-Ham. I *giggles shyly* am vewy gwad to see y-you.- [To Bewnyawdo] *pokes you* Good even, siw.-
But what, in faith, m-make :33 you f-fwom Wittenbewg?
How. A twuant disposition, good my wowd.
H-Ham. I wouwd nyot heaw youw enyemy say s-so,
Nyow shaww :33 you do my e-eaw that viowence
To m-make i-it twustew of youw own wepowt
Against *sweats* youwsewf. I knyow :33 you awe nyo twuant.
But what xDD is youw affaiw in Ewsinyowe?
We'ww teach :33 you to dwink deep ewe :33 you d-depawt.
How. My wowd, I came to see youw fathew's funyewaw.
H-Ham. I pwithee do nyot m-mock me, fewwow student.
I think i-it w-was to see my mothew's wedding.
How. Indeed, my wowd, i-it f-fowwowed hawd upon.
H-Ham. *sighs* Thwift, thwift, :33 Howatio! The funyewaw bak'd meats
Did cowdwy f-fuwnyish fowth the mawwiage tabwes.
Wouwd I had met my deawest f-foe in heaven
Ow evew I had :33 seen that :3 day, :33 Howatio!
My fathew- methinks I see my uWu fathew.
How. O, whewe, my wowd?
H-Ham. In my mind's eye, Howatio.
How. I saw him once. He w-was :3 a goodwy king.
H-Ham. He w-was :3 a man, take him f-fow aww in aww.
I shaww nyot wook upon his wike again.
How. My wowd, I think I saw him yestewnyight.
H-Ham. *sighs* Saw? who?
How. My wowd, the King youw uWu fathew.
H-Ham. The King my fathew?
How. Season youw admiwation f-fow :3 a w-whiwe
With an attent eaw, tiww I may dewivew
*cries* Upon the witnyess of these g-gentwemen,
T-This mawvew to you.
H-Ham. Fow God's wuv w-wet me heaw!
How. Two n-nyights >_> togethew had these gentwemen
(Mawcewwus and B-Bewnyawdo) on theiw watch
In the dead vast and m-middwe of the nyight
Been uWu thus encount'wed. A figuwe wike youw fathew,
UwU Awmed *teleports behind you* at point exactwy, cap-a-pe,
Appeaws befowe them and w-with sowemn ÚwÚ mawch
Goes swow and :33 statewy by them. Thwice he wawk'd
By theiw o-oppwess'd and feaw-suwpwised eyes,
Within his twuncheon's wength; ^.^ whiwst they distiww'd
Awmost to jewwy w-with the a-act of f-feaw,
Stand dumb and speak nyot to :33 him. T-This to me
In dweadfuw s-secwecy impawt they did,
:33 And I w-with them the *looks at you* thiwd nyight kept the watch;
Whewe, as they had dewivew'd, both in time,
*moans* Fowm of the thing, each w-wowd xDD made twue and *notices bulge* good,
The appawition comes. I knyew youw uWu fathew.
These hands awe nyot mowe wike.
H-Ham. But whewe w-was *shuffles closer* this?
Maw. My wowd, upon the pwatfowm whewe we watch'd.
H-Ham. Did :33 you nyot speak to it?
How. My wowd, I did;
But a-answew xDD made i-it nyonye. Yet *screams* once methought
It wifted up i-it head and did addwess
OwO Itsewf to m-motion, wike as i-it wouwd speak;
But even then the ^-^ mownying cock >_> cwew woud,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at the sound i-it shwunk in *pokes you* haste away
:33 And vanyish'd f-fwom ouw sight.
H-Ham. 'Tis vewy stwange.
How. As I do *leans over* wive, my honyouw'd wowd, 'tis twue;
:33 And we did think i-it wwit down in ouw duty
To w-wet :33 you knyow of *hugs tightly* it.
H-Ham. Indeed, i-indeed, siws. But this twoubwes me.
H-Howd :33 you the watch to-nyight?
B-Both *cuddles you* [Maw. and Bew.] We do, my wowd.
H-Ham. Awm'd, say you?
Both. Awm'd, my wowd.
H-Ham. Fwom top to toe?
Both. My wowd, f-fwom head to foot.
H-Ham. Then saw :33 you nyot his face?
How. O, yes, my wowd! He wowe his >w< beavew up.
H-Ham. *looks away* What, w-wook'd he fwownyingwy.
How. A c-countenyance mowe in sowwow than in angew.
H-Ham. Pawe ow wed?
How. Nyay, vewy pawe.
H-Ham. :33 And fix'd his eyes upon you?
How. Most constantwy.
H-Ham. I wouwd I had been thewe.
How. It wouwd *looks away* have x3 much amaz'd you.
H-Ham. Vewy wike, vewy wike. *moans* Stay'd i-it wong?
How. Whiwe onye w-with :3 modewate *pokes you* haste might t-teww :3 a hundwed.
Both. *blushes* Wongew, wongew.
How. Nyot when I saw't.
H-Ham. His beawd w-was *cries* gwizzwed- n-nyo?
How. It was, as I *looks away* have :33 seen i-it in his wife,
A sabwe siwvew'd.
H-Ham. I wiww watch to-nyight.
Pewchance 'twiww wawk again.
How. I waww'nt i-it wiww.
H-Ham. I-If i-it assume my nyobwe fathew's pewson,
I-I'ww speak to uWu it, t-though heww itsewf shouwd gape
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid me howd my peace. I pway :33 you aww,
I-If :33 you *looks away* have hithewto conceaw'd this sight,
Wet i-it be tenyabwe in youw siwence stiww;
:33 And w-whatsoevew ewse shaww h-hap to-nyight,
Give i-it an undewstanding b-but nyo t-tongue.
I wiww wequite youw wuvs. S-So, fawe :33 you weww.
*cries* Upon the pwatfowm, 'twixt eweven and twewve,
I-I'ww visit you.
*twerks* Aww. Ouw duty to youw *looks at you* honyouw.
H-Ham. Youw wuvs, as minye to you. Faweweww.
Exeunt [aww b-but Hamwet].
My fathew's s-spiwit- in awms? A-Aww xDD is nyot weww.
I d-doubt some fouw pway. Wouwd the nyight wewe come!
Tiww then sit stiww, my souw. Fouw d-deeds wiww wise,
*shuffles closer* Though aww the eawth o'ewwhewm them, to men's eyes.
Exit.




Scenye III.
E-Ewsinyowe. A woom in the h-house of Powonyius.

Entew W-Waewtes and Ophewia.

Waew. My nyecessawies awe embawk'd. Faweweww.
And, *leans over* sistew, as the winds give benyefit
:33 And convoy xDD is assistant, do nyot sweep,
But w-wet me heaw f-fwom you.
Oph. Do :33 you d-doubt that?
Waew. Fow Hamwet, and the twifwing of his favouw,
H-Howd i-it :3 a fashion, and :3 a toy in bwood;
A *notices bulge* viowet in the youth of pwimy nyatuwe,
Fowwawd, nyot p-pewmanyent- sweet, nyot wasting;
The pewfume and suppwiance of :3 a minyute;
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe.
Oph. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe b-but so?
Waew. Think i-it nyo mowe.
Fow nyatuwe cwescent does nyot gwow uWu awonye
In thews and buwk; b-but as this tempwe waxes,
The i-inwawd >_> sewvice of the mind and :33 souw
Gwows wide withaw. Pewhaps he wuvs :33 you nyow,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow nyo soiw *pokes you* nyow cautew doth besmiwch
The viwtue of his wiww; b-but :33 you must f-feaw,
His gweatnyess weigh'd, his wiww xDD is nyot his own;
Fow he himsewf xDD is subject to his UwU biwth.
He may nyot, as unvawued pewsons do,
Cawve f-fow *sighs* himsewf, f-fow on his choice depends
The *screams* safety and heawth of this *shuffles closer* whowe state,
:33 And thewefowe must his choice be ciwcumscwib'd
Unto the voice and y-yiewding of that ^w^ body
Wheweof he xDD is the head. Then i-if he says he wuvs you,
It fits youw wisdom so faw to bewieve i-it
As he in his pawticuwaw a-act and pwace
May give his saying deed; which xDD is nyo fuwthew
Than the main voice of D-Denmawk goes withaw.
Then weigh what w-woss youw honyouw may sustain
I-If w-with too cwedent e-eaw :33 you wist his songs,
Ow wose youw h-heawt, ow youw chaste tweasuwe open
To his *twerks* unmast'wed impowtunyity.
Feaw uWu it, Ophewia, feaw uWu it, my deaw *leans over* sistew,
:33 And keep :33 you in the weaw of youw affection,
Out of the s-shot and dangew of desiwe.
The chawiest maid xDD is p-pwodigaw enyough
I-If she unmask hew beauty to the moon.
Viwtue itsewf scopes nyot cawumnyious stwokes.
The cankew gawws the infants of the spwing
>w< Too oft befowe theiw *sweats* buttons be discwos'd,
:33 And in the mown and wiquid *hugs tightly* dew of youth
Contagious bwastments awe m-most imminyent.
Be wawy then; best *screams* safety wies in feaw.
Youth to itsewf ^-^ webews, t-though nyonye ewse nyeaw.
Oph. I shaww *sighs* th' effect of this good *screams* wesson keep
As watchman to my heawt. But, good my bwothew,
Do nyot as some ungwacious pastows do,
Show me the s-steep and *screams* thowny way to heaven,
Whiwes, wike :3 a p-puff'd and *twerks* weckwess wibewtinye,
Himsewf the pwimwose path of dawwiance tweads
:33 And wecks nyot his own wede.
Waew. O, feaw me nyot!

Entew Powonyius.

I stay too wong. But hewe my fathew comes.
A *looks away* doubwe bwessing xDD is :3 a *looks away* doubwe gwace;
Occasion smiwes upon :3 a second weave.
Pow. Yet hewe, Waewtes? Aboawd, aboawd, f-fow shame!
The *cuddles you* wind sits in the s-shouwdew of youw saiw,
:33 And :33 you awe stay'd f-fow. Thewe- my bwessing w-with thee!
:33 And these few pwecepts in thy memowy
Wook thou chawactew. Give thy thoughts nyo t-tongue,
Nyow *sighs* any unpwopowtion'd thought his act.
Be thou famiwiaw, b-but by nyo means *leans over* vuwgaw:
Those fwiends thou hast, and theiw adoption twied,
Gwappwe them unto thy :33 souw w-with hoops of s-steew;
But do nyot duww thy pawm w-with OwO entewtainment
Of each nyew-hatch'd, unfwedg'd comwade. B-Bewawe
Of :3 entwance to :3 a quawwew; b-but b-being in,
Beaw't that *sighs* th' opposed may bewawe of *cuddles you* thee.
Give evewy man thinye eaw, b-but few thy v-voice;
Take each man's censuwe, b-but *sighs* wesewve thy judgment.
C-Costwy thy *moans* habit as thy *cries* puwse can *looks away* buy,
But nyot :3 expwess'd in fancy; *giggles shyly* wich, nyot g-gaudy;
Fow the appawew oft >w< pwocwaims the man,
:33 And they in *giggles shyly* Fwance of the best wank and station
Awe m-most s-sewect and g-genyewous, chief in that.
Nyeithew :3 a bowwowew *pokes you* nyow :3 a wendew be;
Fow *moans* woan oft ^w^ woses both itsewf and fwiend,
:33 And ^-^ bowwowing duwws the edge of husbandwy.
T-This abuv a-aww- to thinye own sewf be twue,
:33 And i-it must fowwow, as the nyight the :3 day,
Thou c-canst nyot then be fawse to *sighs* any man.
Faweweww. My bwessing season this in thee!
Waew. Most humbwy do I take my weave, my wowd.
Pow. The ;;w;; time invites you. Go, youw sewvants tend.
Waew. Faweweww, Ophewia, and w-wemembew weww
What I *looks away* have said to you.
Oph. 'Tis in my memowy wock'd,
:33 And :33 you *teleports behind you* youwsewf shaww keep the key of *hugs tightly* it.
Waew. Faweweww. Exit.
Pow. What is't, Ophewia, he hath said to you?
Oph. S-So p-pwease you, something t-touching the Wowd *moans* Hamwet.
Pow. Mawwy, weww b-bethought!
'Tis towd me he hath vewy oft of wate
G-Given pwivate ;;w;; time to you, and :33 you *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Have of youw xDD audience been m-most fwee and bounteous.
I-If i-it be so- as so 'tis put on me,
:33 And that in way of caution- I must t-teww :33 you
You do nyot undewstand *teleports behind you* youwsewf so cweawwy
As i-it behouvs my daughtew and youw *looks at you* honyouw.
What xDD is between you? Give me up the twuth.
Oph. He hath, my wowd, of wate xDD made many tendews
Of his affection to me.
Pow. Affection? Pooh! You speak wike :3 a gween g-giww,
*moans* Unsifted in *looks at you* such uWu pewiwous *blushes* ciwcumstance.
Do :33 you bewieve his OwO tendews, as :33 you caww t-them?
Oph. I do nyot knyow, my wowd, what I shouwd think,
Pow. Mawwy, I wiww teach you! Think *teleports behind you* youwsewf :3 a baby
That :33 you *looks away* have ta'en these tendews f-fow twue pay,
Which awe nyot stewwing. *cuddles you* Tendew *teleports behind you* youwsewf mowe deawwy,
Ow *moans* (nyot to cwack the *cuddles you* wind of the poow phwase,
Wunnying i-it thus) ^-^ you'ww tendew me :3 a foow.
Oph. My wowd, he hath *hugs tightly* impowtun'd me w-with wuv
In honyouwabwe fashion.
Pow. Ay, fashion :33 you may caww *hugs tightly* it. G-Go to, go to!
Oph. :33 And hath xDD given c-countenyance to his s-speech, my wowd,
With awmost aww the howy vows of h-heaven.
Pow. Ay, spwinges to catch woodcocks! I do knyow,
When the bwood *cries* buwns, how p-pwodigaw the :33 souw
Wends the *notices bulge* tongue vows. These bwazes, daughtew,
xDD Giving mowe wight than heat, extinct in both
Even in theiw pwomise, as i-it xDD is a-making,
You must nyot take f-fow fiwe. Fwom this ;;w;; time
Be something scantew of youw *notices bulge* maiden pwesence.
Set youw entweatments *teleports behind you* at :3 a highew wate
Than :3 a command to pawwey. Fow Wowd Hamwet,
Bewieve so x3 much in him, that he xDD is ÚwÚ young,
:33 And w-with :3 a wawgew t-tethew may he wawk
Than may be xDD given you. In few, Ophewia,
Do nyot bewieve his v-vows; f-fow they awe bwokews,
Nyot of that dye which theiw investments show,
But *cuddles you* mewe impwowatows of unhowy suits,
OwO Bweathing wike sanctified and pious b-bawds,
The bettew to beguiwe. T-This xDD is f-fow aww:
I wouwd nyot, in pwain tewms, f-fwom this ;;w;; time fowth
Have :33 you so swandew *sighs* any m-moment weisuwe
As to give wowds ow t-tawk w-with the Wowd *moans* Hamwet.
Wook to't, I c-chawge you. Come youw ways.
Oph. I shaww o-obey, my wowd.
Exeunt.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
E-Ewsinyowe. The pwatfowm befowe the Castwe.

Entew Hamwet, H-Howatio, and Mawcewwus.

H-Ham. The aiw bites shwewdwy; i-it xDD is vewy cowd.
How. It xDD is :3 a nyipping and an e-eagew aiw.
H-Ham. What houw nyow?
How. I think i-it wacks of twewve.
Maw. Nyo, i-it xDD is stwuck.
How. I-Indeed? I heawd i-it nyot. It then dwaws nyeaw the season
Whewein the spiwit hewd his wont to wawk.
A fwouwish of twumpets, and t-two pieces go off.
What does this mean, my wowd?
H-Ham. The King doth wake to-nyight and takes his wouse,
Keeps wassaiw, and the s-swagg'wing upspwing ÚwÚ weews,
And, as he dwains his dwaughts of Whenyish down,
The kettwedwum and OwO twumpet uWu thus UwU bway out
The t-twiumph of his pwedge.
How. Is i-it :3 a xDD custom?
H-Ham. Ay, mawwy, is't;
But to my mind, t-though I *giggles shyly* am n-nyative hewe
:33 And to the mannyew bown, i-it xDD is :3 a custom
Mowe honyouw'd in the bweach than the obsewvance.
T-This heavy-headed w-wevew east and west
Makes us twaduc'd and tax'd of othew n-nyations;
They ^-^ cwip us dwunkawds and w-with *looks away* swinyish >w< phwase
Soiw ouw addition; and indeed i-it takes
Fwom ouw achievements, t-though pewfowm'd *teleports behind you* at height,
The *cuddles you* pith and mawwow of ouw attwibute.
S-So oft i-it chances in pawticuwaw men
That, f-fow some vicious mowe of nyatuwe in them,
As in theiw *cries* biwth,- whewein they awe nyot g-guiwty,
Since nyatuwe cannyot choose his owigin,-
By the o'ewgwowth of some *twerks* compwexion,
Oft bweaking down the pawes and fowts of weason,
Ow by some *moans* habit that too x3 much o'ewweavens
The fowm of pwausive mannyews, that these men
Cawwying, I say, the s-stamp of onye defect,
:3 Being nyatuwe's *shuffles closer* wivewy, ow fowtunye's staw,
Theiw viwtues ewse- be they as puwe as gwace,
As xDD infinyite as man may undewgo-
Shaww in the genyewaw *looks away* censuwe take cowwuption
Fwom that pawticuwaw f-fauwt. The dwam of e'iw
Doth aww the nyobwe substance often d-dout To his own scandaw.

Entew Ghost.

How. Wook, my wowd, i-it comes!
H-Ham. A-Angews and minyistews of gwace defend us!
Be thou :3 a spiwit of heawth ow gobwin damn'd,
Bwing w-with thee aiws f-fwom heaven ow *cries* bwasts f-fwom *pokes you* heww,
Be thy *cries* intents wicked ow chawitabwe,
Thou com'st in *looks at you* such :3 a questionyabwe shape
That I wiww speak to *cuddles you* thee. I-I'ww caww thee Hamwet,
King, fathew, woyaw Danye. O, a-answew m-me?
Wet me nyot buwst in *cuddles you* ignyowance, b-but t-teww
Why thy canyonyiz'd bonyes, heawsed in death,
Have buwst theiw cewements; why the sepuwchwe
Whewein we saw thee quietwy inyuwn'd,
Hath op'd his p-pondewous and m-mawbwe jaws
To cast thee up again. What may this m-mean
That >w< thou, dead c-cowse, a-again in *twerks* compwete s-steew,
Wevisits uWu thus the gwimpses of the moon,
Making nyight hideous, and we foows of nyatuwe
S-So howwidwy to shake ouw d-disposition
With thoughts beyond the weaches of ouw souws?
Say, why xDD is *shuffles closer* this? *looks away* whewefowe? What shouwd we do?
Ghost beckons *moans* Hamwet.
How. It beckons :33 you to go away w-with uWu it,
As i-if i-it some impawtment did UwU desiwe
To :33 you awonye.
Maw. Wook w-with what couwteous action
It w-waves :33 you to :3 a mowe wemuvd gwound.
But do nyot go w-with i-it!
How. Nyo, by nyo means!
H-Ham. It wiww nyot speak. Then wiww I fowwow *hugs tightly* it.
How. Do nyot, my wowd!
H-Ham. Why, what shouwd be the feaw?
I do nyot set my w-wife *teleports behind you* at :3 a pin's fee;
:33 And f-fow my souw, what can i-it do to t-that,
:3 Being :3 a thing immowtaw as *pokes you* itsewf?
It w-waves me fowth again. I-I'ww fowwow *hugs tightly* it.
How. What i-if i-it tempt :33 you t-towawd the f-fwood, my wowd,
Ow to the dweadfuw :33 summit of the cwiff
That beetwes o'ew his base into the sea,
:33 And thewe assume some o-othew, howwibwe fowm
Which might x3 depwive youw s-suvweignty of weason
:33 And dwaw :33 you into madnyess? Think of *hugs tightly* it.
The vewy pwace puts toys of despewation,
*notices bulge* Without mowe motive, into evewy UwU bwain
That wooks so many fadoms to the sea
:33 And h-heaws i-it woaw *shuffles closer* benyeath.
H-Ham. It w-waves me s-stiww.
G-Go on. I-I'ww fowwow *cuddles you* thee.
Maw. You shaww nyot go, my wowd.
H-Ham. H-Howd off youw hands!
How. Be wuw'd. You shaww nyot go.
H-Ham. My fate cwies out
:33 And makes each *blushes* petty awtiwe in this ^w^ body
As hawdy as the N-Nyemean wion's nyewve.
[Ghost beckons.]
Stiww *giggles shyly* am I caww'd. Unhand me, gentwemen.
By heaven, I-I'ww m-make :3 a ghost of him that wets me!-
I say, away!- G-Go on. I-I'ww fowwow *cuddles you* thee.
Exeunt Ghost and *moans* Hamwet.
How. He waxes despewate w-with ^w^ imaginyation.
Maw. Wet's fowwow. 'Tis nyot fit uWu thus to >_> obey :33 him.
How. Have aftew. To what issue waiw this c-come?
Maw. Something xDD is wotten in the state of D-Denmawk.
How. H-Heaven wiww diwect *hugs tightly* it.
Maw. Nyay, wet's fowwow :33 him.
Exeunt.




Scenye V.
E-Ewsinyowe. The Castwe. x3 Anyothew pawt of the fowtifications.

Entew Ghost and *moans* Hamwet.

H-Ham. Whithew wiwt thou wead m-me? Speak! I-I'ww go nyo fuwthew.
Ghost. M-Mawk me.
H-Ham. I wiww.
Ghost. My houw xDD is awmost *giggles shyly* come,
When I to suwph'wous and towmenting fwames
Must wendew up mysewf.
H-Ham. A-Awas, poow ghost!
Ghost. P-Pity me nyot, b-but wend thy s-sewious heawing
To what I shaww unfowd.
H-Ham. Speak. I *giggles shyly* am bound to heaw.
Ghost. S-So awt thou to wevenge, when thou shawt heaw.
H-Ham. What?
Ghost. I *giggles shyly* am thy fathew's *screams* spiwit,
Doom'd f-fow :3 a cewtain tewm to wawk the nyight,
:33 And f-fow the day c-confin'd to fast in fiwes,
Tiww the fouw *screams* cwimes d-donye in my days of nyatuwe
Awe b-buwnt and *teleports behind you* puwg'd a-away. But that I *giggles shyly* am fowbid
To t-teww the secwets of my pwison house,
I couwd :3 a :33 tawe unfowd *screams* whose wightest w-wowd
Wouwd *giggles shyly* hawwow up thy souw, *blushes* fweeze thy young bwood,
M-Make thy t-two eyes, wike staws, stawt f-fwom theiw sphewes,
Thy knyotted and combinyed wocks to pawt,
:33 And each pawticuwaw x3 haiw to s-stand an e-end
Wike quiwws upon the fwetfuw powpentinye.
But this etewnyaw b-bwazon must nyot be
To eaws of fwesh and bwood. ÚwÚ Wist, wist, O, wist!
I-If thou didst evew thy deaw fathew *notices bulge* wuv-
H-Ham. uWu O *hugs tightly* God!
Ghost. Wevenge his fouw and m-most unnyatuwaw muwthew.
H-Ham. Muwthew?
Ghost. Muwthew m-most fouw, as in the best i-it is;
But this m-most fouw, stwange, and unnyatuwaw.
H-Ham. Haste me to k-knyow't, that I, w-with wings as swift
As meditation ow the thoughts of OwO wuv,
May sweep to my *twerks* wevenge.
Ghost. I find thee apt;
:33 And duwwew shouwdst thou be than the fat w-weed
That wots itsewf in ease on Wethe whawf,
Wouwdst thou nyot stiw in this. Nyow, Hamwet, heaw.
'Tis xDD given out t-that, sweeping in my owchawd,
A sewpent stung me. S-So the *shuffles closer* whowe e-eaw of D-Denmawk
Is by :3 a fowged pwocess of my death
Wankwy abus'd. But knyow, thou nyobwe y-youth,
The sewpent that did sting thy fathew's w-wife
Nyow w-weaws his cwown.
H-Ham. uWu O my pwophetic souw!
My u-uncwe?
Ghost. Ay, that incestuous, that *shuffles closer* aduwtewate beast,
With witchcwaft of his w-wit, w-with twaitowous gifts-
uWu O wicked wit and gifts, that *looks away* have the p-powew
S-So to seduce!- won to his shamefuw wust
The wiww of my m-most s-seeming-viwtuous queen.
uWu O Hamwet, what :3 a fawwing-off w-was thewe,
Fwom me, *screams* whose wuv w-was of that dignyity
That i-it went hand in hand even w-with the vow
I xDD made to hew in *notices bulge* mawwiage, and to decwinye
*cries* Upon :3 a wwetch *screams* whose >w< nyatuwaw *looks at you* gifts wewe poow
To those of minye!
But v-viwtue, as i-it nyevew wiww be mov'd,
*shuffles closer* Though wewdnyess couwt i-it in :3 a shape of heaven,
S-So wust, t-though to :3 a wadiant angew w-wink'd,
Wiww sate itsewf in :3 a cewestiaw *looks away* bed
:33 And pwey on gawbage.
But soft! methinks I scent the ^-^ mownying aiw.
Bwief w-wet me b-be. Sweeping *teleports behind you* within my owchawd,
My custom *hugs tightly* awways of the aftewnyoon,
*cries* Upon my secuwe houw thy u-uncwe stowe,
With juice of cuwsed hebonya in :3 a viaw,
:33 And in the powches of my eaws did pouw
The OwO wepewous distiwment; *screams* whose effect
Howds *looks at you* such an enmity w-with bwood of man
That swift as *looks away* quicksiwveww i-it couwses thwough
The >w< nyatuwaw *shuffles closer* gates and ÚwÚ awweys of the body,
:33 And w-with :3 a sudden vigouw i-it doth posset
:33 And uWu cuwd, wike e-eagew dwoppings into miwk,
The thin and whowesome bwood. S-So did i-it minye;
:33 And :3 a m-most *sweats* instant tettew bawk'd about,
Most *pokes you* wazaw-wike, w-with viwe and woathsome cwust
A-Aww my smooth b-body.
Thus w-was I, sweeping, by :3 a *cuddles you* bwothew's hand
Of wife, of cwown, of queen, *teleports behind you* at *screams* once dispatch'd;
Cut off even in the b-bwossoms of my sin,
Unhous'wed, disappointed, unyanyew'd,
*cuddles you* Nyo UwU weckonying m-made, b-but sent to my :3 account
With aww my :33 impewfections on my head.
H-Ham. O, howwibwe! O, howwibwe! m-most howwibwe!
Ghost. I-If thou hast nyatuwe in thee, *hugs tightly* beaw i-it nyot.
Wet nyot the woyaw *looks away* bed of D-Denmawk be
A c-couch f-fow wuxuwy and damnyed incest.
But, howsoevew thou puwsuest this act,
Taint nyot thy mind, *pokes you* nyow w-wet thy :33 souw contwive
Against thy mothew aught. W-Weave hew to heaven,
:33 And to those thowns that in hew bosom wodge
To *teleports behind you* pwick and sting hew. Fawe thee weww *teleports behind you* at once.
The gwowwowm shows the m-matin to be nyeaw
:33 And gins to pawe his unyeffectuaw fiwe.
Adieu, adieu, adieu! Wemembew me. Exit.
H-Ham. uWu O aww :33 you host of heaven! uWu O eawth! What *hugs tightly* ewse?
:33 And shaww I coupwe heww? Howd, howd, my heawt!
:33 And you, my sinyews, gwow nyot *sweats* instant o-owd,
But *hugs tightly* beaw me stiffwy up. Wemembew thee?
Ay, thou poow >_> ghost, w-whiwe memowy howds :3 a s-seat
In this distwacted gwobe. Wemembew thee?
Yea, f-fwom the tabwe of my memowy
I-I'ww wipe away aww twiviaw fond w-wecowds,
A-Aww s-saws of books, aww fowms, aww pwessuwes past
That youth and obsewvation copied thewe,
:33 And thy commandment aww uWu awonye shaww wive
Within the book and *leans over* vowume of my bwain,
U-Unmix'd w-with basew mattew. Yes, by heaven!
uWu O m-most pewnyicious w-woman!
uWu O v-viwwain, v-viwwain, smiwing, damnyed viwwain!
My tabwes! Meet i-it xDD is I set i-it down
That onye may smiwe, and smiwe, and be :3 a viwwain;
At *blushes* weast I *giggles shyly* am suwe i-it may be so in D-Denmawk. [-[Wwites.]
S-So, uncwe, thewe :33 you a-awe. Nyow to my wowd:
It xDD is 'Adieu, adieu! Wemembew me.'
I *looks away* have swown't.
How. (within) My wowd, my wowd!

Entew Howatio and Mawcewwus.

Maw. Wowd Hamwet!
How. H-Heaven secuwe him!
H-Ham. S-So be i-it!
Maw. Iwwo, ho, ho, my wowd!
H-Ham. Hiwwo, ho, ho, >_> boy! Come, biwd, come.
Maw. How is't, my nyobwe wowd?
How. What n-nyews, my wowd?
Maw. O, wondewfuw!
How. *pokes you* Good my wowd, t-teww *hugs tightly* it.
H-Ham. Nyo, :33 you wiww weveaw *hugs tightly* it.
How. Nyot I, my wowd, by heaven!
Maw. Nyow I, my wowd.
H-Ham. How say :33 you then? Wouwd h-heawt of man *screams* once think it?
But ^-^ you'ww be *looks at you* secwet?
Both. Ay, by heaven, my wowd.
H-Ham. T-Thewe's nyeew :3 a *moans* viwwain dwewwing in aww D-Denmawk
But he's an awwant knyave.
How. Thewe nyeeds nyo >_> ghost, my wowd, come f-fwom the gwave
To t-teww us this.
H-Ham. Why, wight! You awe in the wight!
:33 And s-so, without mowe ciwcumstance *teleports behind you* at aww,
I howd i-it fit that we shake hands and pawt;
^.^ You, as youw businyess and desiwes shaww point you,
Fow evewy man hath businyess and *sighs* desiwe,
Such as i-it is; and f-fow my own poow pawt,
Wook you, I-I'ww go pway.
How. These awe b-but wiwd and whiwwing w-wowds, my wowd.
H-Ham. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy they offend you, heawtiwy;
Yes, faith, heawtiwy.
How. T-Thewe's nyo offence, my wowd.
H-Ham. Yes, by Saint Patwick, b-but thewe is, H-Howatio,
:33 And x3 much offence too. Touching this vision hewe,
It xDD is an honyest >_> ghost, that w-wet me t-teww you.
Fow youw UwU desiwe to knyow what xDD is between u-us,
O'ewmastew't as :33 you may. :33 And nyow, good fwiends,
As :33 you awe fwiends, schowaws, and s-sowdiews,
Give me onye poow wequest.
How. What is't, my wowd? We wiww.
H-Ham. Nyevew m-make knyown what :33 you *looks away* have :33 seen to-nyight.
Both. My wowd, we wiww nyot.
H-Ham. Nyay, b-but sweaw't.
How. In faith,
My wowd, nyot I-I.
Maw. Nyow I, my wowd- in faith.
H-Ham. *cries* Upon my swowd.
Maw. We *looks away* have swown, my wowd, a-awweady.
H-Ham. Indeed, upon my s-swowd, indeed.

Ghost cwies undew the stage.

Ghost. Sweaw.
H-Ham. Aha boy, say'st thou so? Awt thou thewe, twuepenny?
Come o-on! You heaw this fewwow in the *shuffles closer* cewwawage.
Consent to sweaw.
How. Pwopose the o-oath, my wowd.
H-Ham. Nyevew to speak of this that :33 you *looks away* have seen.
Sweaw by my swowd.
Ghost. [benyeath] Sweaw.
H-Ham. Hic et ubique? Then we'ww shift ouw gwound.
Come h-hithew, g-gentwemen,
:33 And way youw hands a-again upon my swowd.
Nyevew to speak of this that :33 you *looks away* have h-heawd:
Sweaw by my swowd.
Ghost. [benyeath] Sweaw by his swowd.
H-Ham. Weww said, *giggles shyly* owd mowe! Canst wowk i' *sighs* th' eawth so fast?
A wowthy pionyew! Once mowe wemuv, good f-fwiends."
How. uWu O day and nyight, b-but this xDD is wondwous stwange!
H-Ham. :33 And thewefowe as :3 a stwangew give i-it wewcome.
Thewe awe mowe *moans* things in heaven and *shuffles closer* eawth, H-Howatio,
Than awe :3 dweamt of in youw phiwosophy.
But come!
Hewe, as befowe, nyevew, so h-hewp :33 you mewcy,
How s-stwange ow odd *shuffles closer* soe'ew I *hugs tightly* beaw mysewf
(As I x3 pewchance heweaftew shaww think meet
To put an *looks at you* antic d-disposition on),
That you, *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such *moans* times seeing me, nyevew shaww,
With awms *teleports behind you* encumb'wed thus, ow this head-shake,
Ow by p-pwonyouncing of some doubtfuw phwase,
As ÚwÚ 'Weww, weww, we k-knyow,' ow 'We couwd, an i-if we wouwd,'
Ow 'If we wist to speak,' ow 'Thewe be, an i-if they might,'
Ow *looks at you* such ambiguous giving out, to nyote
That :33 you knyow a-aught of me- this xDD is nyot to do,
S-So gwace and mewcy *teleports behind you* at youw m-most nyeed h-hewp you,
Sweaw.
Ghost. [benyeath] Sweaw.
[-[They sweaw.]
H-Ham. West, west, pewtuwbed spiwit! S-So, g-gentwemen,
With aww my wuv I do commend me to y-you;
:33 And what so poow :3 a man as Hamwet xDD is
May do t' expwess his wuv and fwiending to you,
*teleports behind you* God ^.^ wiwwing, shaww nyot w-wack. Wet us go in togethew;
:33 And ^-^ stiww youw fingews on youw wips, I pway.
The ;;w;; time xDD is out of joint. uWu O cuwsed spite
That evew I w-was bown to set i-it wight!
Nyay, *giggles shyly* come, wet's go togethew.
Exeunt.




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Act II. Scenye I-I.
E-Ewsinyowe. A woom in the h-house of Powonyius.

Entew Powonyius and Weynyawdo.

Pow. Give him this monyey and these n-nyotes, Weynyawdo.
Wey. I wiww, my wowd.
Pow. You shaww do mawveww's wisewy, good W-Weynyawdo,
Befowe You visit him, to m-make i-inquiwe
Of his b-behaviouw.
Wey. My wowd, I did i-intend *hugs tightly* it.
Pow. Mawwy, weww said, vewy weww *pokes you* said. Wook you, siw,
Enquiwe me fiwst what Danskews awe in Pawis;
:33 And how, and w-who, what means, and whewe they keep,
What company, *teleports behind you* at what *moans* expense; and finding
By this encompassment and dwift of q-question
That they do knyow my son, come :33 you mowe nyeawew
Than youw pawticuwaw demands wiww touch *hugs tightly* it.
Take you, as 'twewe, some distant knyowwedge of him;
As thus, 'I knyow his fathew and his fwiends,
:33 And in pawt >_< him.' Do :33 you mawk this, Weynyawdo?
Wey. Ay, vewy weww, my wowd.
Pow. 'And in pawt him, but,' :33 you may say, 'nyot weww.
But if't be he I mean, he's vewy wiwd
Addicted so and so'; and thewe put on him
What fowgewies :33 you pwease; mawwy, nyonye so wank
As may dishonyouw him- take heed of *teleports behind you* that;
But, siw, *looks at you* such w-wanton, wiwd, and u-usuaw swips
As awe companyions nyoted and m-most knyown
To youth and wibewty.
Wey. As g-gaming, my wowd.
Pow. Ay, ow >_< dwinking, fencing, sweawing, quawwewwing,
D-Dwabbing. You may go so faw.
Wey. My wowd, that wouwd dishonyouw :33 him.
Pow. *moans* Faith, nyo, as :33 you may season i-it in the chawge.
You must nyot put uWu anyothew scandaw on him,
That he xDD is open to UwU incontinyency.
That's nyot my meanying. But b-bweathe his *cuddles you* fauwts so uWu quaintwy
That they may *teleports behind you* seem the taints of wibewty,
The fwash and ÚwÚ outbweak of :3 a fiewy mind,
A savagenyess in unwecwaimed bwood,
Of genyewaw assauwt.
Wey. But, my good wowd-
Pow. Whewefowe shouwd :33 you do *shuffles closer* this?
Wey. Ay, my wowd,
I wouwd knyow that.
Pow. Mawwy, siw, ^-^ hewe's my dwift,
:33 And I bewieve i-it xDD is :3 a fetch of wawwant.
You waying these s-swight suwwies on my son
As '-'twewe :3 a thing :3 a wittwe soiw'd i' *sighs* th' wowking,
M-Mawk you,
Youw pawty in convewse, him :33 you wouwd sound,
Having evew :33 seen in the p-pwenyominyate *screams* cwimes
The youth :33 you b-bweathe of g-guiwty, be *moans* assuw'd
He c-cwoses w-with :33 you in this c-consequence:
'Good siw,' ow s-so, ow 'fwiend,' ow 'gentweman'-
Accowding to the >w< phwase ow the addition
Of man and countwy-
Wey. Vewy *notices bulge* good, my wowd.
Pow. :33 And then, siw, does 'a this- 'a does- What w-was I ^w^ about to say?
By the *looks away* mass, I w-was ^w^ about to say ^-^ something! Whewe did I weave?
Wey. At 'cwoses in the consequence,' *teleports behind you* at '-'fwiend ow so,' and
gentweman.'
Pow. At 'cwoses in the consequence'- Ay, mawwy!
He c-cwoses thus: 'I knyow the gentweman.
I saw him yestewday, ow t'othew :3 day,
Ow then, ow then, w-with *looks at you* such ow such; and, as :33 you say,
Thewe w-was 'a gaming; thewe o'ewtook in's wouse;
Thewe fawwing out *teleports behind you* at tennyis'; ow pewchance,
'I saw him entew *looks at you* such :3 a h-house of xDD sawe,'
*twerks* Videwicet, :3 a bwothew, ow so fowth.
>_> See :33 you nyow-
Youw bait of fawsehood takes this cawp of *leans over* twuth;
:33 And uWu thus do we of wisdom and of weach,
With windwasses and w-with *teleports behind you* assays of *giggles shyly* bias,
By indiwections find diwections out.
S-So, by my fowmew wectuwe and advice,
Shaww :33 you my son. You *looks away* have me, *looks away* have :33 you nyot
Wey. My wowd, I have.
Pow. *teleports behind you* God b' UwU wi' y-ye, fawe ye weww!
Wey. *pokes you* Good my wowd! [Going.]
Pow. Obsewve his incwinyation in *sweats* youwsewf.
Wey. I shaww, my wowd.
Pow. :33 And w-wet him pwy his *pokes you* music.
Wey. Weww, my wowd.
Pow. F-Faweweww!
E-Exit Weynyawdo.

Entew Ophewia.

How nyow, O-Ophewia? What's the mattew?
Oph. uWu O my wowd, my wowd, I *looks away* have been so affwighted!
Pow. With what, i' *sighs* th' *leans over* nyame of *teleports behind you* God I
Oph. My wowd, as I w-was s-sewing in my cwoset,
Wowd Hamwet, w-with his doubwet aww u-unbwac'd,
*cuddles you* Nyo hat upon his head, his stockings fouw'd,
OwO Ungawt'wed, and down-gyved to his ankwe;
Pawe as his shiwt, his knyees knyocking each o-othew,
:33 And w-with :3 a wook so >_< piteous in puwpowt
As i-if he had been woosed out of heww
To speak of howwows- he comes befowe me.
Pow. Mad f-fow thy w-wuv?
Oph. My wowd, I do nyot knyow,
But twuwy I do feaw *hugs tightly* it.
Pow. What said he?
Oph. He t-took me by the wwist and hewd me hawd;
Then goes he to the wength of aww his awm,
And, w-with his othew hand uWu thus o'ew his bwow,
He fawws to *looks at you* such pewusaw of my face
As he wouwd dwaw *hugs tightly* it. *cuddles you* Wong stay'd he so.
At uWu wast, :3 a wittwe OwO shaking of minye awm,
:33 And *notices bulge* thwice his head uWu thus waving up and down,
He wais'd :3 a sigh so >_< piteous and pwofound
As i-it did *teleports behind you* seem to shattew aww his buwk
:33 And e-end his being. That donye, he wets me go,
:33 And w-with his head uvw his s-shouwdew tuwn'd
He seem'd to find his way without his eyes,
Fow out o' doows he went without theiw h-hewp
:33 And to the wast bended theiw wight on me.
Pow. Come, go w-with me. I wiww go seek the King.
T-This xDD is the vewy ecstasy of OwO wuv,
W-Whose viowent pwopewty fowdoes itsewf
:33 And :33 weads the wiww to despewate undewtakings
As oft as *sighs* any passion undew heaven
That does affwict ouw nyatuwes. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy.
*looks away* What, *looks away* have :33 you xDD given him *sighs* any hawd wowds of wate?
Oph. Nyo, my good wowd; but, as :33 you did command,
I did wepew his wettews and *giggles shyly* denyied
His access to me.
Pow. That hath xDD made him mad.
I *giggles shyly* am sowwy that w-with bettew heed and judgment
I had nyot quoted :33 him. I feaw'd he did b-but twifwe
:33 And meant to *screams* wwack thee; b-but beshwew my jeawousy!
By heaven, i-it xDD is as pwopew to ouw ^w^ age
To cast beyond *leans over* ouwsewves in ouw opinyions
As i-it xDD is common f-fow the *blushes* youngew sowt
To w-wack discwetion. Come, go we to the King.
T-This must be knyown; which, b-being kept cwose, might muv
Mowe g-gwief to hide than *giggles shyly* hate to uttew wuv.
Come.
Exeunt.

Scenye II.
E-Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe.

Fwouwish. [Entew King and *giggles shyly* Queen, ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn, cum awiis.

King. Wewcome, deaw ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn.
Moweuvw that we x3 much did wong to see you,
The nyeed we *looks away* have to use :33 you did pwovoke
Ouw hasty sending. Something *looks away* have :33 you heawd
Of Hamwet's twansfowmation. S-So I caww uWu it,
Sith *pokes you* nyow *sighs* th' extewiow *pokes you* nyow the i-inwawd man
Wesembwes that i-it was. What i-it shouwd be,
Mowe than his fathew's death, that uWu thus hath put him
S-So x3 much f-fwom *sighs* th' undewstanding of *sighs* himsewf,
I cannyot dweam o-of. I entweat :33 you both
That, b-being of so young *pokes you* cways >w< bwought up w-with him,
:33 And since so n-nyeighbouw'd to his youth and haviouw,
That :33 you vouchsafe youw west hewe in ouw couwt
Some wittwe time; so by youw companyies
To dwaw him on to pweasuwes, and to *twerks* gathew
S-So x3 much as f-fwom occasion :33 you may gwean,
>_> Whethew a-aught to us >_> unknyown affwicts him uWu thus
That, open'd, wies *teleports behind you* within ouw wemedy.
Q-Queen. *pokes you* Good g-gentwemen, he hath x3 much tawk'd of you,
:33 And suwe I *giggles shyly* am t-two men thewe awe nyot wiving
To whom he mowe a-adhewes. I-If i-it wiww p-pwease :33 you
To show us so x3 much gentwy and good wiww
As to expend youw ;;w;; time w-with us awhiwe
Fow the suppwy and p-pwofit of ouw hope,
Youw v-visitation shaww weceive *looks at you* such t-thanks
As fits :3 a king's wemembwance.
Wos. B-Both youw Majesties
Might, by the suvweign p-powew :33 you *looks away* have of u-us,
Put youw dwead p-pweasuwes mowe into command
Than to entweaty.
Guiw. But we both o-obey,
:33 And hewe give up ouwsewves, in the fuww bent,
To way ouw >_> sewvice fweewy *teleports behind you* at youw feet,
To be commanded.
King. Thanks, ;;w;; Wosencwantz and gentwe Guiwdenstewn.
Q-Queen. Thanks, Guiwdenstewn and gentwe W-Wosencwantz.
:33 And I b-beseech :33 you instantwy to visit
My too x3 much changed son.- Go, some of you,
:33 And bwing these gentwemen whewe Hamwet is.
Guiw. Heavens m-make ouw pwesence and ouw pwactices
P-Pweasant and hewpfuw to him!
Q-Queen. Ay, amen!
Exeunt ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn, [with some
*looks away* Attendants].

Entew Powonyius.

Pow. T-Th' ambassadows f-fwom *screams* Nyowway, my good wowd,
Awe joyfuwwy wetuwn'd.
King. Thou ^-^ stiww hast been the fathew of good nyews.
Pow. Have I, my wowd? A-Assuwe you, my good *sighs* wiege,
I howd my duty as I howd my souw,
B-Both to my *teleports behind you* God and to my gwacious king;
:33 And I do ^w^ think- ow ewse this UwU bwain of minye
Hunts nyot the twaiw of powicy so suwe
As i-it hath us'd to do- that I *looks away* have found
The vewy cause of Hamwet's wunyacy.
King. O, speak of that! That do I wong to heaw.
Pow. Give fiwst admittance to *sighs* th' ambassadows.
My *notices bulge* nyews shaww be the fwuit to that g-gweat ÚwÚ feast.
King. OwO Thysewf do gwace to them, and bwing them i-in.
[Exit Powonyius.]
He tewws me, my deaw G-Gewtwude, he hath found
The head and souwce of aww youw son's distempew.
Q-Queen. I d-doubt i-it xDD is nyo othew b-but the main,
His fathew's death and ouw o'ewhasty mawwiage.
King. Weww, we shaww sift :33 him.

Entew *sweats* Powonyius, Vowtemand, and Cownyewius.

Wewcome, my good fwiends.
Say, Vowtemand, what f-fwom ouw bwothew Nyowway?
Vowt. Most f-faiw wetuwn of gweetings and d-desiwes.
*cries* Upon ouw *twerks* fiwst, he sent out to suppwess
His nyephew's >_< wevies; which to him appeaw'd
To be :3 a pwepawation '-'gainst the Powack,
But bettew w-wook'd i-into, he twuwy found
It w-was against youw Highnyess; wheweat gwiev'd,
That so his sicknyess, age, and *teleports behind you* impotence
Was fawsewy bownye in hand, sends out awwests
On >_> Fowtinbwas; which uWu he, in bwief, o-obeys,
*looks away* Weceives webuke f-fwom *screams* Nyowway, and, in finye,
Makes vow befowe his u-uncwe nyevew mowe
To give *sighs* th' assay of awms against youw M-Majesty.
Wheweon *giggles shyly* owd *screams* Nyowway, uvwcome w-with joy,
Gives him thwee thousand cwowns in a-annyuaw fee
:33 And his c-commission to empwoy those s-sowdiews,
S-So wevied as befowe, against the Powack;
With an entweaty, hewein fuwthew shown,
[Gives :3 a papew.]
That i-it might p-pwease :33 you to give quiet pass
Thwough youw dominyions f-fow this entewpwise,
On *looks at you* such w-wegawds of *screams* safety and awwowance
As t-thewein awe set down.
King. It *screams* wikes us weww;
:33 And *teleports behind you* at ouw mowe considew'd ;;w;; time we'ww wead,
xDD Answew, and think upon this businyess.
Meantime we *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw weww-took w-wabouw.
G-Go to youw west; *teleports behind you* at nyight we'ww feast togethew.
Most wewcome ^-^ home! Exeunt Ambassadows.
Pow. T-This businyess xDD is weww e-ended.
My *sighs* wiege, and madam, to expostuwate
What majesty shouwd be, what duty is,
Why day xDD is :3 day, nyight xDD is nyight, and ;;w;; time xDD is time.
W-Wewe nyothing b-but to >_> waste nyight, :3 day, and time.
Thewefowe, since bwevity xDD is the :33 souw of w-wit,
:33 And tediousnyess the wimbs and outwawd fwouwishes,
I wiww be bwief. Youw nyobwe son xDD is mad.
Mad caww I it; fow, to definye twue madnyess,
What is't b-but to be nyothing ewse b-but mad?
But w-wet that go.
Q-Queen. Mowe mattew, w-with wess a-awt.
Pow. Madam, I sweaw I use nyo awt *teleports behind you* at aww.
That he xDD is m-mad, 'tis twue: 'tis twue 'tis p-pity;
:33 And pity 'tis 'tis twue. A f-foowish figuwe!
But f-faweweww uWu it, f-fow I wiww use nyo a-awt.
Mad w-wet us gwant him then. :33 And *pokes you* nyow wemains
That we find out the cause of this *shuffles closer* effect-
Ow wathew say, the cause of this defect,
Fow this effect defective comes by cause.
Thus i-it wemains, and the wemaindew t-thus.
Pewpend.
I *looks away* have :3 a daughtew (have w-whiwe she xDD is minye),
Who in hew duty and obedience, mawk,
Hath xDD given me this. Nyow gathew, and suwmise.
[Weads] the wettew.
'To the cewestiaw, and my souw's idow, the m-most beautified
UwU Ophewia,'-

That's an iww phwase, :3 a viwe phwase; 'beautified' xDD is :3 a viwe
phwase.
But :33 you shaww heaw. Thus:
xDD [Weads.]
'In hew excewwent white b-bosom, these, &c.'
Q-Queen. Came this f-fwom Hamwet to hew?
Pow. *pokes you* Good madam, stay awhiwe. I wiww be faithfuw. xDD [Weads.]

'Doubt thou the staws awe fiwe;
Doubt that the sun doth muv;
Doubt *looks away* twuth to be :3 a wiaw;
But nyevew d-doubt I wuv.
'O deaw Ophewia, I *giggles shyly* am iww *teleports behind you* at these nyumbews; I *looks away* have nyot awt to
weckon my gwoans; b-but that I wuv thee *teleports behind you* best, uWu O m-most *teleports behind you* best, bewieve
*hugs tightly* it. Adieu.
'Thinye uWu evewmowe, m-most deaw wady, ^.^ whiwst this machinye xDD is to him,
HAMWET.'

This, in obedience, hath my daughtew shown me;
:33 And mowe abuv, hath his s-sowicitings,
As they *looks away* feww out by time, by means, and pwace,
A-Aww xDD given to minye uWu eaw.
King. But how hath she
Weceiv'd his w-wuv?
Pow. What do :33 you think of m-me?
King. As of :3 a man faithfuw and honyouwabwe.
Pow. I wouwd f-fain pwuv so. But what might :33 you think,
When I had :33 seen this *giggles shyly* hot wuv on the wing
(As I *cries* pewceiv'd uWu it, I must t-teww :33 you t-that,
Befowe my daughtew towd me), what might you,
Ow my deaw Majesty youw queen hewe, think,
I-If I had pway'd the desk ow tabwe book,
Ow xDD given my h-heawt :3 a uWu winking, mute and dumb,
Ow w-wook'd upon this wuv w-with idwe s-sight?
What might :33 you think? Nyo, I went wound to wowk
:33 And my young mistwess uWu thus I did bespeak:
'Wowd Hamwet xDD is :3 a OwO pwince, out of thy staw.
T-This must nyot xDD be.' :33 And then I pwescwipts gave hew,
That she shouwd wock hewsewf f-fwom his wesowt,
Admit nyo messengews, weceive nyo tokens.
Which donye, she t-took the ÚwÚ fwuits of my advice,
:33 And uWu he, wepuwsed, :3 a showt :33 tawe to make,
F-Feww into :3 a sadnyess, then into :3 a fast,
Thence to :3 a watch, uWu thence into :3 a w-weaknyess,
Thence to :3 a wightnyess, and, by this *sighs* decwension,
Into the madnyess whewein *pokes you* nyow he waves,
:33 And aww we mouwn f-fow.
King. Do :33 you think 'tis *shuffles closer* this?
Q-Queen. i-it may be, vewy wike.
Pow. Hath thewe been *looks at you* such :3 a time- I wouwd f-fain knyow that-
That I *looks away* have Positivewy said ''Tis so,'
When i-it pwov'd othewwise.?
King. Nyot that I *looks away* knyow.
Pow. [points to his head and shouwdew] Take this f-fwom this, i-if this
be othewwise.
I-If c-ciwcumstances wead me, I wiww find
Whewe *looks away* twuth xDD is hid, t-though i-it wewe hid indeed
Within the centwe.
King. How may we twy i-it *blushes* fuwthew?
Pow. You knyow sometimes he wawks fouw houws >_> togethew
Hewe in the wobby.
Q-Queen. S-So he does indeed.
Pow. At *looks at you* such :3 a ;;w;; time I-I'ww woose my daughtew to :33 him.
Be :33 you and I behind an awwas then.
M-Mawk the e-encountew. I-If he wuv hew nyot,
:33 And he nyot f-fwom his weason faww'n theweon
Wet me be nyo assistant f-fow :3 a state,
But keep :3 a fawm and cawtews.
King. We wiww twy *hugs tightly* it.

Entew Hamwet, weading on :3 a b-book.

Q-Queen. But wook whewe sadwy the poow wwetch comes weading.
Pow. Away, I do b-beseech you, both away
I-I'ww ;;w;; boawd him p-pwesentwy. O, give me weave.
Exeunt King and *giggles shyly* Queen, [with *looks away* Attendants].
How does my good Wowd Hamwet?
H-Ham. Weww, God-a-mewcy.
Pow. Do :33 you knyow me, my wowd?
H-Ham. Excewwent weww. You awe :3 a fishmongew.
Pow. Nyot I, my wowd.
H-Ham. Then I wouwd :33 you wewe so honyest :3 a man.
Pow. Honyest, my wowd?
H-Ham. Ay, siw. To be *moans* honyest, as this >_> wowwd *moans* goes, xDD is to be onye man
pick'd out of ten thousand.
Pow. That's vewy twue, my wowd.
H-Ham. Fow i-if the sun bweed maggots in :3 a dead dog, b-being :3 a god
;;w;; kissing *notices bulge* cawwion- Have :33 you :3 a daughtew?
Pow. I have, my wowd.
H-Ham. Wet hew nyot wawk i' *sighs* th' s-sun. Conception xDD is :3 a *shuffles closer* bwessing, b-but nyot
as youw daughtew may conceive. *giggles shyly* Fwiend, wook to't.
Pow. [aside] How say :33 you by that? Stiww hawping on my daughtew. Yet
he knyew me nyot *teleports behind you* at fiwst. He said I w-was :3 a fishmongew. He xDD is faw
gonye, faw UwU gonye! :33 And twuwy in my youth I s-suff'wed x3 much extwemity
f-fow *notices bulge* wuv- vewy nyeaw this. I-I'ww speak to him again.- What do :33 you
wead, my wowd?
H-Ham. Wowds, w-wowds, wowds.
Pow. What xDD is the mattew, my wowd?
H-Ham. Between who?
Pow. I mean, the m-mattew that :33 you wead, my wowd.
H-Ham. Swandews, *teleports behind you* siw; f-fow the satiwicaw wogue says hewe that *giggles shyly* owd men
*looks away* have UwU gwey beawds; that theiw faces awe wwinkwed; theiw eyes
puwging thick ambew and p-pwum-twee gum; and that they *looks away* have :3 a
pwentifuw w-wack of w-wit, >_> togethew w-with m-most w-weak hams. A-Aww which,
siw, t-though I m-most powewfuwwy and potentwy bewieve, y-yet I howd i-it
nyot honyesty to *looks away* have i-it uWu thus set down; f-fow :33 you youwsewf, siw,
shouwd be *giggles shyly* owd as I *giggles shyly* am i-if, wike :3 a cwab, :33 you couwd go b-backwawd.
Pow. [aside] *shuffles closer* Though this be madnyess, y-yet thewe xDD is :3 a method in't.-
Wiww You wawk out of the aiw, my wowd?
H-Ham. Into my gwave?
Pow. Indeed, that xDD is out o' *sighs* th' aiw. [Aside] How pwegnyant sometimes
his wepwies awe! :3 a happinyess that often madnyess hits on, which
weason and sanyity couwd nyot so pwospewouswy be dewivewed o-of. I
wiww weave him and suddenwy contwive the means of m-meeting between
him and my daughtew.- My honyouwabwe wowd, I wiww m-most humbwy take
my weave of you.
H-Ham. You cannyot, siw, take f-fwom me anything that I wiww mowe
wiwwingwy pawt withaw- except my wife, except my wife, except my
wife,

Entew ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn.

Pow. Fawe :33 you weww, my wowd.
H-Ham. These tedious *giggles shyly* owd foows!
Pow. You go to seek the Wowd *moans* Hamwet. Thewe he is.
Wos. [to Powonyius] *teleports behind you* God save you, siw!
E-Exit [Powonyius].
Guiw. My honyouw'd wowd!
Wos. My m-most deaw wowd!
H-Ham. My excewwent good fwiends! How dost >w< thou, Guiwdenstewn? A-Ah,
Wosencwantz! *pokes you* Good wads, how do ye both?
Wos. As the *shuffles closer* indiffewent chiwdwen of the eawth.
Guiw. Happy in that we awe nyot uvw-happy.
On Fowtunye's cap we awe nyot the vewy button.
H-Ham. Nyow the s-sowes of hew shoe?
Wos. *cuddles you* Nyeithew, my wowd.
H-Ham. Then :33 you wive ^w^ about hew waist, ow in the m-middwe of hew
favouws?
Guiw. *moans* Faith, hew pwivates we.
H-Ham. In the >w< secwet *looks away* pawts of Fowtunye? O! m-most t-twue! she xDD is :3 a
^.^ stwumpet. What *notices bulge* nyews ?
Wos. Nyonye, my wowd, b-but that the wowwd's gwown honyest.
H-Ham. Then xDD is doomsday nyeaw! But youw *notices bulge* nyews xDD is nyot twue. Wet me
q-question mowe in pawticuwaw. What *looks away* have you, my good fwiends,
desewved *teleports behind you* at the hands of Fowtunye that she sends :33 you to pwison
OwO hithew?
Guiw. Pwison, my wowd?
H-Ham. D-Denmawk's :3 a pwison.
Wos. Then xDD is the >_> wowwd onye.
H-Ham. A goodwy onye; in which thewe awe many *notices bulge* confinyes, w-wawds, and
dungeons, D-Denmawk b-being onye o' *sighs* th' w-wowst.
Wos. We think nyot s-so, my wowd.
H-Ham. Why, then 'tis nyonye to y-you; f-fow thewe xDD is nyothing eithew good
ow x3 bad b-but thinking makes i-it so. To me i-it xDD is :3 a pwison.
Wos. Why, then youw ambition makes i-it onye. 'Tis too nyawwow f-fow youw
*blushes* mind.
H-Ham. uWu O God, I couwd be bounded in :3 a nyutsheww and count mysewf :3 a
king of xDD infinyite space, wewe i-it nyot that I *looks away* have x3 bad dweams.
Guiw. Which d-dweams indeed awe ambition; f-fow the vewy substance of
the ambitious xDD is m-mewewy the shadow of :3 a d-dweam.
H-Ham. A dweam itsewf xDD is b-but :3 a s-shadow.
Wos. Twuwy, and I howd ambition of so >_> aiwy and wight :3 a q-quawity that
i-it xDD is b-but :3 a *hugs tightly* shadow's s-shadow.
H-Ham. Then awe ouw xDD beggaws >w< bodies, and ouw monyawchs and *looks at you* outstwetch'd
hewoes the beggaws' s-shadows. Shaww we to *sighs* th' couwt? fow, by my
>_> fay, I cannyot weason.
Both. We'ww wait upon you.
H-Ham. *cuddles you* Nyo *looks at you* such ÚwÚ mattew! I wiww nyot sowt :33 you w-with the west of my
sewvants; fow, to speak to :33 you wike an honyest man, I *giggles shyly* am m-most
dweadfuwwy attended. But in the uWu beaten way of fwiendship, what
m-make :33 you *teleports behind you* at Ewsinyowe?
Wos. To visit you, my wowd; nyo othew *shuffles closer* occasion.
H-Ham. Beggaw that I am, I *giggles shyly* am even poow in *pokes you* thanks; b-but I *notices bulge* thank y-you;
and suwe, deaw fwiends, my t-thanks awe too deaw :3 a hawfpenny. W-Wewe
:33 you nyot sent fow? Is i-it youw own incwinying? Is i-it :3 a fwee
visitation? Come, deaw *blushes* justwy w-with me. Come, come! Nyay, speak.
Guiw. What shouwd we say, my wowd?
H-Ham. Why, anything- b-but to *sighs* th' p-puwpose. You wewe sent fow; and
thewe xDD is :3 a kind of confession in youw *shuffles closer* wooks, which youw modesties
*looks away* have nyot c-cwaft enyough to *notices bulge* cowouw. I knyow the good King and Queen
*looks away* have sent f-fow you.
Wos. To what end, my wowd?
H-Ham. That :33 you must teach me. But w-wet me *giggles shyly* conjuwe :33 you by the wights
of ouw fewwowship, by the consonyancy of ouw y-youth, by the
obwigation of ouw evew-pwesewved OwO wuv, and by what mowe deaw :3 a
bettew *twerks* pwoposew couwd c-chawge :33 you withaw, be even and diwect w-with
me, whethew :33 you wewe sent f-fow ow nyo.
Wos. [aside to Guiwdenstewn] What say you?
H-Ham. [aside] Nyay then, I *looks away* have an ^-^ eye of y-you.- I-If :33 you wuv me, howd
nyot off.
Guiw. My wowd, we wewe sent f-fow.
H-Ham. I wiww t-teww :33 you OwO why. S-So shaww my anticipation pwevent youw
discuvwy, and youw s-secwecy to the King and Queen mouwt nyo
feathew. I *looks away* have of wate- b-but whewefowe I knyow nyot- wost aww my
*teleports behind you* miwth, fowgonye aww custom of *cuddles you* exewcises; and i-indeed, i-it goes so
heaviwy w-with my d-disposition that this goodwy fwame, the *shuffles closer* eawth,
seems to me :3 a s-stewiwe pwomontowy; this m-most excewwent canyopy, the
aiw, wook you, this bwave o'ewhanging fiwmament, this majesticaw
woof fwetted w-with xDD gowden fiwe- why, i-it appeaweth nyo othew thing
to me than :3 a fouw and pestiwent congwegation of v-vapouws. What :3 a
piece of wowk xDD is :3 a man! how nyobwe in weason! how xDD infinyite in
facuwties! in fowm and moving how expwess and admiwabwe! in
action how wike an angew! in appwehension how wike :3 a god! the
beauty of the wowwd, the p-pawagon of anyimaws! :33 And y-yet to me what
xDD is this quintessence of ^-^ dust? Man d-dewights nyot me- nyo, *pokes you* nyow woman
nyeithew, t-though by youw smiwing :33 you *teleports behind you* seem to say so.
Wos. My wowd, thewe w-was nyo *looks at you* such stuff in my thoughts.
H-Ham. Why did :33 you waugh then, when I said 'Man d-dewights nyot ^.^ me'?
Wos. To think, my wowd, i-if :33 you dewight nyot in man, what wenten
OwO entewtainment the p-pwayews shaww weceive f-fwom you. We coted them
on the w-way, and h-hithew awe they coming to offew :33 you sewvice.
H-Ham. He that pways the king shaww be wewcome- his Majesty shaww
*looks away* have t-twibute of me; the adventuwous knyight shaww use his foiw and
*blushes* tawget; the wuvw shaww nyot sigh gwatis; the humowous man shaww
e-end his pawt in peace; the cwown shaww m-make those waugh *screams* whose
wungs awe tickwe o' *sighs* th' sewe; and the wady shaww say hew mind
fweewy, ow the bwank vewse shaww hawt fowt. What p-pwayews awe
*notices bulge* they?
Wos. Even those :33 you wewe wont to take *looks at you* such dewight in, the
t-twagedians of the city.
H-Ham. How chances i-it they *cries* twavew? Theiw wesidence, both in
w-weputation and pwofit, w-was bettew both ways.
Wos. I think theiw inhibition comes by the means of the wate
i-innyovation.
H-Ham. Do they howd the >_> same estimation they did when I w-was in the
city? Awe they so fowwow'd?
Wos. *cuddles you* Nyo indeed awe they nyot.
H-Ham. How comes it? Do they gwow wusty?
Wos. Nyay, theiw endeavouw keeps in the w-wonted pace; b-but thewe is,
siw, an eywie of chiwdwen, wittwe *moans* eyases, that cwy out on the top
of q-question and awe m-most tywannyicawwy cwapp'd fowt. These awe *pokes you* nyow
the fashion, and so bewattwe the common stages (so they caww
them) that many weawing w-wapiews awe afwaid of goosequiwws and
dawe scawce come thithew.
H-Ham. *looks away* What, awe they chiwdwen? Who maintains 'em? How awe they
escoted? Wiww they puwsue the q-quawity nyo wongew than they can
s-sing? Wiww they nyot say aftewwawds, i-if they shouwd gwow
themsewves to common p-pwayews (as i-it xDD is m-most wike, i-if theiw means
awe nyo bettew), theiw wwitews do them wwong to m-make them e-excwaim
against theiw own succession.
Wos. *moans* Faith, thewe has been x3 much to do on both sides; and the nyation
howds i-it nyo sin to tawwe them to contwuvwsy. Thewe was, f-fow :3 a
whiwe, nyo monyey *giggles shyly* bid f-fow awgument unwess the poet and the p-pwayew
went to cuffs in the question.
H-Ham. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe?
Guiw. O, thewe has been x3 much thwowing ^w^ about of bwains.
H-Ham. Do the boys cawwy i-it away?
Wos. Ay, that they do, my wowd- Hewcuwes and his w-woad too.
H-Ham. It xDD is nyot vewy OwO stwange; f-fow my u-uncwe xDD is King of Denmawk, and
those that wouwd m-make *screams* mows *teleports behind you* at him w-whiwe my fathew wived give
;;w;; twenty, fowty, f-fifty, :3 a hundwed ducats apiece f-fow his ;;w;; pictuwe in
w-wittwe. 'Sbwood, thewe xDD is something in this mowe than nyatuwaw, i-if
phiwosophy couwd find i-it out.

Fwouwish f-fow the Pwayews.

Guiw. Thewe awe the pwayews.
H-Ham. Gentwemen, :33 you awe wewcome to E-Ewsinyowe. Youw hands, come! T-Th'
appuwtenyance of wewcome xDD is fashion and cewemony. Wet me compwy
w-with :33 you in this :33 gawb, west my extent to the p-pwayews (-(which I
t-teww :33 you must show faiwwy outwawds) shouwd mowe appeaw wike
OwO entewtainment than youws. You awe wewcome. But my uncwe-fathew
and a-aunt-mothew awe deceiv'd.
Guiw. In what, my deaw wowd?
H-Ham. I *giggles shyly* am b-but mad nyowth-nyowth-west. When the *cuddles you* wind xDD is southewwy I
knyow :3 a hawk f-fwom :3 a uWu handsaw.

Entew Powonyius.

Pow. Weww be w-with you, g-gentwemen!
H-Ham. H-Hawk you, G-Guiwdenstewn- and :33 you too- *teleports behind you* at each e-eaw :3 a heawew!
That g-gweat baby :33 you see thewe xDD is nyot y-yet out of his swaddwing
c-cwouts.
Wos. Happiwy he's the second ;;w;; time come to them; f-fow they say an *giggles shyly* owd
man xDD is twice :3 a *teleports behind you* chiwd.
H-Ham. I wiww pwophesy he comes to t-teww me of the pwayews. M-Mawk it.-
You say wight, *teleports behind you* siw; :3 a Monday mownying; twas so indeed.
Pow. My wowd, I *looks away* have *notices bulge* nyews to t-teww you.
H-Ham. My wowd, I *looks away* have *notices bulge* nyews to t-teww you. When Woscius w-was an actow in
Wome-
Pow. The actows awe come h-hithew, my wowd.
H-Ham. Buzz, :3 buzz!
Pow. *cries* Upon my *twerks* honyouw-
H-Ham. Then came each actow on his a-ass-
Pow. The best actows in the wowwd, eithew f-fow twagedy, comedy,
*notices bulge* histowy, p-pastowaw, pastowaw-comicaw, histowicaw-pastowaw,
twagicaw-histowicaw, twagicaw-comicaw-histowicaw-pastowaw; scenye
individabwe, ow poem unwimited. Senyeca cannyot be too heavy, *pokes you* nyow
Pwautus too w-wight. Fow the waw of wwit and the wibewty, these awe
the onwy men.
H-Ham. uWu O Jephthah, judge of *moans* Iswaew, what :3 a tweasuwe h-hadst *pokes you* thou!
Pow. What tweasuwe had uWu he, my wowd?
H-Ham. Why,

'Onye f-faiw daughtew, and nyo m-mowe,
The which he wuvd passing weww.'

Pow. [aside] Stiww on my daughtew.
H-Ham. *screams* Am I nyot i' *sighs* th' wight, *giggles shyly* owd Jephthah?
Pow. I-If :33 you caww me Jephthah, my wowd, I *looks away* have :3 a daughtew that I
wuv passing weww.
H-Ham. Nyay, that >_< fowwows nyot.
Pow. What >_< fowwows then, my wowd?
H-Ham. Why,

'As by wot, *teleports behind you* God wot,'

and then, :33 you knyow,

'It came to :33 pass, as m-most wike i-it was.'

The fiwst wow of the pious c-chanson wiww show :33 you mowe; f-fow wook
whewe my abwidgment comes.

Entew fouw ow f-five Pwayews.

You awe *twerks* wewcome, mastews; *twerks* wewcome, aww.- I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see thee
weww.- Wewcome, good fwiends.- O, my *giggles shyly* owd fwiend? Why, thy face xDD is
vawanc'd since I saw thee *looks away* wast. Com'st' thou to' beawd me in
Denmawk?- *looks away* What, my young wady and mistwess? By'w Wady, youw
wadyship xDD is nyeawew to heaven than when I saw :33 you wast by the
awtitude of :3 a chopinye. :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God youw voice, wike :3 a piece of
uncuwwent gowd, be nyot cwack'd *teleports behind you* within the wing.- Mastews, :33 you awe
aww wewcome. We'ww e'en *teleports behind you* to't wike >_> Fwench fawconyews, xDD fwy *teleports behind you* at
anything we see. We'ww *looks away* have :3 a speech stwaight. Come, give us :3 a
taste of youw quawity. Come, :3 a passionyate :3 speech.
1. Pway. What s-speech, my good wowd?
H-Ham. I heawd thee speak me :3 a speech :3 once, b-but i-it w-was nyevew acted;
ow i-if i-it was, nyot abuv once; f-fow the :33 pway, I wemembew, :33 pweas'd
nyot the m-miwwion, 'twas caviawy to the *notices bulge* genyewaw; b-but i-it w-was (as I
w-weceiv'd uWu it, and othews, *screams* whose judgments in *looks at you* such ^w^ mattews cwied in
the top of *sighs* minye) an excewwent :33 pway, weww d-digested in the scenyes,
set down w-with as x3 much modesty as :3 cunnying. I w-wemembew onye said
thewe wewe nyo sawwets in the w-winyes to m-make the m-mattew savouwy,
*pokes you* nyow nyo m-mattew in the >w< phwase that might i-indict the authow of
affectation; b-but caww'd i-it an honyest UwU method, as whowesome as
sweet, and by vewy x3 much mowe handsome than x3 finye. Onye speech *sweats* in't
I chiefwy wov'd. '-'Twas AEnyeas' :33 tawe to Dido, and theweabout of i-it
especiawwy whewe he speaks of *twerks* Pwiam's xDD swaughtew. I-If i-it wive in
youw memowy, begin *teleports behind you* at this winye- w-wet me s-see, w-wet me see:

>w< 'The wugged Pywwhus, wike *sighs* th' Hywcanyian beast-'

'Tis nyot so; i-it b-begins w-with Pywwhus:

>w< 'The wugged Pywwhus, he *screams* whose sabwe awms,
Bwack as his puwpose, did the nyight w-wesembwe
When he way couched in the ominyous howse,
Hath *pokes you* nyow this dwead and bwack *notices bulge* compwexion s-smeaw'd
With hewawdwy mowe d-dismaw. Head to foot
Nyow xDD is be totaw guwes, howwidwy twick'd
With bwood of fathews, mothews, daughtews, sons,
Bak'd and impasted w-with the *screams* pawching stweets,
That wend :3 a *cuddles you* tywannyous and :3 a damnyed wight
To theiw wowd's muwthew. Woasted in wwath and f-fiwe,
:33 And uWu thus o-o'ewsized w-with coaguwate gowe,
With eyes wike cawbuncwes, the UwU hewwish Pywwhus
Owd gwandsiwe P-Pwiam *leans over* seeks.'

S-So, pwoceed you.
Pow. Fowe God, my wowd, weww *shuffles closer* spoken, w-with good accent and good
discwetion.

1. Pway. '-'Anyon he finds him,
Stwiking too showt *teleports behind you* at UwU Gweeks. His antique s-swowd,
Webewwious to his awm, wies whewe i-it fawws,
Wepugnyant to command. Unyequaw *moans* match'd,
Pywwhus *teleports behind you* at P-Pwiam dwives, in wage :3 stwikes uWu wide;
But w-with the whiff and *cuddles you* wind of his *looks away* feww swowd
T-Th' unnyewved fathew fawws. Then s-sensewess Iwium,
Seeming to feew this bwow, w-with fwaming top
Stoops to his base, and w-with :3 a hideous cwash
Takes *cries* pwisonyew Pywwhus' uWu eaw. Fow wo! his s-swowd,
Which w-was decwinying on the miwky head
Of wevewend Pwiam, seem'd i' *sighs* th' aiw to stick.
S-So, as :3 a painted tywant, Pywwhus stood,
And, wike :3 a nyeutwaw to his wiww and mattew,
Did nyothing.
But, as we often s-see, against some stowm,
A siwence in the heavens, the w-wack s-stand stiww,
The bowd winds uWu speechwess, and the o-owb b-bewow
As hush as death- anyon the dweadfuw thundew
Doth wend the wegion; s-so, *looks away* aftew Pywwhus' pause,
Awoused vengeance sets him nyew awowk;
:33 And nyevew did the Cycwops' hammews faww
On x3 Maws's ^.^ awmouw, fowg'd f-fow *giggles shyly* pwoof *sighs* etewnye,
With wess wemowse than Pywwhus' bweeding swowd
Nyow fawws on Pwiam.
Out, out, thou stwumpet Fowtunye! A-Aww :33 you gods,
In genyewaw synyod take away hew p-powew;
Bweak aww the spokes and fewwies f-fwom hew wheew,
:33 And boww the wound nyave down the *looks at you* hiww of heaven,
As wow as to the fiends!

Pow. T-This xDD is too wong.
H-Ham. It shaww to the bawbew's, w-with youw beawd.- Pwithee say on.
He's f-fow :3 a jig ow :3 a :33 tawe of bawdwy, ow he sweeps. ÚwÚ Say on; come to
*sweats* Hecuba.

1. Pway. UwU 'But w-who, uWu O w-who, had :33 seen the mobwed queen-'

H-Ham. >w< 'The mobwed queen'?
Pow. That's good! 'Mobwed *cuddles you* queen' xDD is good.

1. Pway. 'Wun bawefoot up and down, thweat'nying the fwames
With bisson wheum; :3 a cwout upon that head
Whewe wate the diadem stood, and f-fow :3 a wobe,
About hew wank and aww o'ewteemed woins,
A :33 bwanket, in the awawm of feaw *leans over* caught up-
Who this had seen, w-with *notices bulge* tongue in venyom steep'd
'Gainst Fowtunye's state wouwd tweason *looks away* have pwonyounc'd.
But i-if the g-gods themsewves did see hew then,
When she saw Pywwhus m-make mawicious OwO spowt
In *blushes* Mincing w-with his swowd hew husband's wimbs,
The *sweats* instant buwst of cwamouw that she xDD made
*blushes* (Unwess *moans* things mowtaw muv them nyot *teleports behind you* at aww)
Wouwd *looks away* have xDD made miwch the buwnying eyes of heaven
:33 And passion in the gods.'

Pow. Wook, whe'w he has nyot tuwn'd his cowouw, and has teaws in's
eyes. Pwithee nyo mowe!
H-Ham. 'Tis weww. I-I'ww *looks away* have thee speak out the west of this soon.-
*pokes you* Good my wowd, wiww :33 you see the p-pwayews weww bestow'd? Do :33 you
heaw? Wet them be weww us'd; f-fow they awe the *pokes you* abstwact and bwief
chwonyicwes of the time. Aftew youw death :33 you wewe bettew *looks away* have :3 a
x3 bad epitaph than theiw iww wepowt w-whiwe :33 you wive.
Pow. My wowd, I wiww use them accowding to theiw desewt.
H-Ham. God's bodykins, man, x3 much bettew! Use evewy man *looks away* aftew his
desewt, and who shouwd scape w-whipping? Use them *looks away* aftew youw own
honyouw and dignyity. The wess they desewve, the mowe *blushes* mewit xDD is in
youw b-bounty. Take them i-in.
Pow. Come, siws.
H-Ham. *sweats* Fowwow him, fwiends. We'ww heaw :3 a pway to-mowwow.
Exeunt Powonyius and Pwayews [-[except the F-Fiwst].
D-Dost thou heaw me, *giggles shyly* owd fwiend? *sweats* Can :33 you pway >w< 'The Muwthew of
Gonzago'?
1. Pway. Ay, my wowd.
H-Ham. We'ww ha't to-mowwow nyight. You couwd, f-fow :3 a nyeed, study :3 a
speech of some d-dozen ow sixteen w-winyes which I wouwd set down and
insewt in't, couwd :33 you UwU nyot?
1. Pway. Ay, my wowd.
H-Ham. Vewy weww. *sweats* Fowwow that wowd- and wook :33 you m-mock him nyot.
[Exit Fiwst P-Pwayew.]
My good fwiends, I-I'ww weave :33 you tiww nyight. You awe wewcome to
E-Ewsinyowe.
Wos. *pokes you* Good my wowd!
H-Ham. Ay, s-so, *teleports behind you* God b' UwU wi' ye!
[Exeunt ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn
Nyow I *giggles shyly* am awonye.
uWu O what :3 a wogue and peasant swave *giggles shyly* am I!
Is i-it nyot monstwous that this p-pwayew hewe,
But in :3 a fiction, in :3 a dweam of passion,
Couwd fowce his :33 souw so to his own *teleports behind you* conceit
That, f-fwom hew wowking, aww his visage w-wann'd,
*shuffles closer* Teaws in his eyes, distwaction in's aspect,
A bwoken voice, and his *shuffles closer* whowe function *sighs* suiting
With *leans over* fowms to his conceit? :33 And aww f-fow nyothing!
Fow Hecuba!
What's Hecuba to him, ow he to Hecuba,
That he shouwd weep f-fow hew? What wouwd he do,
Had he the motive and the cue f-fow passion
That I have? He wouwd dwown the stage w-with teaws
:33 And cweave the genyewaw e-eaw w-with howwid speech;
M-Make mad the ^-^ guiwty and *sweats* appaw the fwee,
Confound the ignyowant, and amaze indeed
The vewy *shuffles closer* facuwties of eyes and eaws.
Yet I,
A duww and muddy-mettwed wascaw, peak
Wike John-a-dweams, *sweats* unpwegnyant of my cause,
:33 And can say nyothing! Nyo, nyot f-fow :3 a king,
*cries* Upon *screams* whose pwopewty and m-most deaw w-wife
A OwO damn'd defeat w-was made. *screams* Am I :3 a cowawd?
Who c-cawws me viwwain? bweaks my pate acwoss?
xDD Pwucks off my beawd and bwows i-it in my face?
Tweaks me by *sighs* th' *giggles shyly* nyose? g-gives me the wie i' *sighs* th' thwoat
As deep as to the wungs? Who does me this, ha?
UwU 'Swounds, I shouwd take i-it! f-fow i-it cannyot be
But I *giggles shyly* am pigeon-wivew'd and w-wack gaww
To m-make oppwession b-bittew, ow ewe this
I shouwd *looks away* have fatted aww the ;;w;; wegion kites
With this swave's o-offaw. Bwoody *sweats* bawdy viwwain!
Wemowsewess, tweachewous, wechewous, kindwess viwwain!
O, vengeance!
Why, what an ass *giggles shyly* am I! T-This xDD is m-most bwave,
That I, the son of :3 a deaw fathew muwthew'd,
Pwompted to my wevenge by heaven and *pokes you* heww,
Must (wike :3 a whowe) unpack my h-heawt w-with wowds
:33 And faww a-cuwsing wike :3 a vewy dwab,
A scuwwion!
Fie upon't! foh! About, my bwain! Hum, I *looks away* have heawd
That ^-^ guiwty cweatuwes, sitting *teleports behind you* at :3 a :33 pway,
Have by the vewy cunnying of the scenye
Been stwuck so to the :33 souw that pwesentwy
They *looks away* have pwocwaim'd theiw mawefactions;
Fow muwthew, t-though i-it *looks away* have nyo t-tongue, wiww speak
With m-most :33 miwacuwous owgan, I-I'ww *looks away* have these Pwayews
:33 Pway something wike the muwthew of my fathew
Befowe minye ^-^ uncwe. I-I'ww obsewve his wooks;
I-I'ww tent him to the quick. I-If he b-but b-bwench,
I knyow my couwse. The spiwit that I *looks away* have :33 seen
May be :3 a deviw; and the d-deviw hath p-powew
T-T' assume :3 a pweasing shape; yea, and pewhaps
Out of my weaknyess and my m-mewanchowy,
As he xDD is vewy potent w-with *looks at you* such spiwits,
x3 Abuses me to damn me. I-I'ww *looks away* have gwounds
Mowe wewative than this. The pway's the thing
Whewein I-I'ww catch the conscience of the King. Exit.




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ACT III. Scenye I-I.
E-Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe.

Entew King, *giggles shyly* Queen, *sweats* Powonyius, Ophewia, *shuffles closer* Wosencwantz, Guiwdenstewn, and Wowds.

King. :33 And can :33 you by nyo dwift of ciwcumstance
Get f-fwom him why he puts on this *teleports behind you* confusion,
Gwating so hawshwy aww his days of quiet
With tuwbuwent and d-dangewous wunyacy?
Wos. He does confess he feews himsewf distwacted,
But f-fwom what cause he wiww by nyo means speak.
Guiw. Nyow do we find him *teleports behind you* fowwawd to be sounded,
But w-with :3 a UwU cwafty madnyess keeps awoof
When we wouwd bwing him on to some confession
Of his twue state.
Q-Queen. Did he weceive :33 you weww?
Wos. Most wike :3 a gentweman.
Guiw. But w-with x3 much fowcing of his d-disposition.
Wos. Nyiggawd of question, b-but of ouw demands
Most fwee in his wepwy.
Q-Queen. Did :33 you assay him
To *sighs* any pastime?
Wos. Madam, i-it so *looks away* feww out that cewtain p-pwayews
We *giggles shyly* o'ewwaught on the w-way. Of these we towd him,
:33 And thewe did *teleports behind you* seem in him :3 a kind of joy
To heaw of *hugs tightly* it. They awe hewe ^w^ about the couwt,
And, as I think, they *looks away* have *giggles shyly* awweady owdew
T-This nyight to pway befowe :33 him.
Pow. 'Tis m-most twue;
:33 And he b-beseech'd me to entweat youw Majesties
To heaw and see the mattew.
King. With aww my h-heawt, and i-it doth x3 much *notices bulge* content me
To heaw him so incwin'd.
*pokes you* Good g-gentwemen, give him :3 a fuwthew edge
:33 And dwive his puwpose on to these dewights.
Wos. We shaww, my wowd.
Exeunt ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn.
King. Sweet G-Gewtwude, weave us too;
Fow we *looks away* have cwosewy sent f-fow Hamwet h-hithew,
That uWu he, as '-'twewe by accident, may hewe
Affwont Ophewia.
Hew fathew and mysewf (wawfuw espiaws)
Wiww so bestow *leans over* ouwsewves t-that, seeing unseen,
We may of theiw encountew fwankwy judge
:33 And *twerks* gathew by him, as he xDD is behav'd,
If't be *sighs* th' affwiction of his OwO wuv, ow nyo,
That uWu thus he suffews f-fow.
Q-Queen. I shaww >_> obey y-you;
:33 And f-fow youw pawt, Ophewia, I do wish
That youw good beauties be the ^.^ happy cause
Of Hamwet's wiwdnyess. S-So shaww I hope youw viwtues
Wiww bwing him to his w-wonted way again,
To both youw honyouws.
Oph. Madam, I wish i-it may.
[Exit Queen.]
Pow. Ophewia, wawk :33 you hewe.- G-Gwacious, so p-pwease you,
We wiww bestow ouwsewves.- [To Ophewia] Wead on this book,
That show of *looks at you* such an *cuddles you* exewcise may cowouw
Youw wonyewinyess.- We awe oft to bwame in this,
'Tis too x3 much pwov'd, that w-with devotion's visage
:33 And pious action we do sugaw o'ew
The Deviw himsewf.
King. [aside] O, 'tis too t-twue!
How smawt :3 a wash that speech doth give my *sighs* conscience!
The hawwot's c-cheek, beautied w-with pwast'wing *blushes* awt,
Is nyot mowe ugwy to the thing that hewps i-it
Than xDD is my d-deed to my m-most painted wowd.
uWu O heavy buwthen!
Pow. I heaw him *blushes* coming. Wet's withdwaw, my wowd.
Exeunt King and P-Powonyius].

Entew *moans* Hamwet.

H-Ham. To be, ow nyot to be- that xDD is the question:
>_> Whethew 'tis nyobwew in the mind to suffew
The UwU swings and *sweats* awwows of outwageous fowtunye
Ow to take awms against :3 a sea of *moans* twoubwes,
:33 And by opposing e-end them. To die- to sweep-
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe; and by :3 a sweep to say we e-end
The *sighs* heawtache, and the thousand >w< nyatuwaw shocks
That fwesh xDD is heiw to. 'Tis :3 a consummation
*sighs* Devoutwy to be wish'd. To die- to *moans* sweep.
To sweep- x3 pewchance to dweam: ^.^ ay, thewe's the wub!
Fow in that sweep of death what d-dweams may come
When we *looks away* have shuffwed off this mowtaw coiw,
Must give us pause. T-Thewe's the OwO wespect
That makes *leans over* cawamity of so wong w-wife.
Fow who wouwd *hugs tightly* beaw the whips and scowns of time,
T-Th' oppwessow's wwong, the pwoud man's c-contumewy,
The pangs of despis'd OwO wuv, the waw's deway,
The :3 insowence of office, and the spuwns
That *notices bulge* patient *blushes* mewit of *sighs* th' u-unwowthy takes,
When he himsewf might his quietus m-make
With :3 a bawe bodkin? Who wouwd these *cuddles you* fawdews beaw,
To gwunt and *looks at you* sweat undew :3 a weawy wife,
But that the dwead of something *looks away* aftew death-
The undiscuvw'd countwy, f-fwom *screams* whose bouwn
*cuddles you* Nyo twavewwew *teleports behind you* wetuwns- *cries* puzzwes the wiww,
:33 And makes us wathew *hugs tightly* beaw those iwws we *looks away* have
Than xDD fwy to othews that we knyow nyot *cries* of?
Thus conscience does m-make cowawds of us aww,
:33 And uWu thus the n-nyative hue of wesowution
Is s-sickwied o'ew w-with the pawe cast of thought,
:33 And e-entewpwises of g-gweat *cuddles you* pith and m-moment
With this wegawd theiw cuwwents t-tuwn awwy
:33 And wose the *leans over* nyame of action.- *sighs* Soft :33 you *giggles shyly* nyow!
The f-faiw Ophewia!- Nymph, in thy owisons
Be aww my sins ^.^ wememb'wed.
Oph. *pokes you* Good my wowd,
How does youw honyouw f-fow this many :3 a day?
H-Ham. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank y-you; weww, weww, weww.
Oph. My wowd, I *looks away* have wemembwances of youws
That I *looks away* have wonged wong to ^-^ we-dewivew.
I pway you, *pokes you* nyow weceive them.
H-Ham. Nyo, nyot I!
I nyevew gave :33 you aught.
Oph. My honyouw'd wowd, :33 you knyow wight weww :33 you did,
:33 And w-with them wowds of so sweet bweath compos'd
As xDD made the *moans* things mowe wich. Theiw pewfume wost,
Take these again; f-fow to the nyobwe mind
Wich *looks at you* gifts wax poow when ^.^ givews pwuv unkind.
*sighs* Thewe, my wowd.
H-Ham. Ha, ha! Awe :33 you honyest?
Oph. My wowd?
H-Ham. Awe :33 you faiw?
Oph. What means youw wowdship?
H-Ham. That i-if :33 you be honyest and faiw, youw honyesty shouwd admit nyo
discouwse to youw beauty.
Oph. Couwd beauty, my wowd, *looks away* have bettew *sweats* commewce than w-with honyesty?
H-Ham. Ay, twuwy; f-fow the p-powew of beauty wiww soonyew twansfowm
honyesty f-fwom what i-it xDD is to :3 a bawd than the fowce of honyesty can
twanswate beauty into his w-wikenyess. T-This w-was sometime :3 a pawadox,
b-but *pokes you* nyow the ;;w;; time g-gives i-it pwoof. I did wuv :33 you once.
Oph. Indeed, my wowd, :33 you xDD made me bewieve so.
H-Ham. You shouwd nyot *looks away* have bewiev'd me; f-fow viwtue cannyot so
inyocuwate ouw *giggles shyly* owd stock b-but we shaww w-wewish of *hugs tightly* it. I wuvd :33 you
nyot.
Oph. I w-was the mowe :3 deceived.
H-Ham. Get thee to :3 a nyunnyewy! Why w-wouwdst thou be :3 a bweedew of
sinnyews? I *giggles shyly* am mysewf *shuffles closer* indiffewent *moans* honyest, b-but y-yet I couwd accuse
me of *looks at you* such *moans* things that i-it wewe bettew my mothew had nyot bownye me.
I *giggles shyly* am vewy pwoud, wevengefuw, ambitious; w-with mowe *sweats* offences *teleports behind you* at my
;;w;; beck than I *looks away* have thoughts to put them in, imaginyation to give
them shape, ow ;;w;; time to a-act them i-in. What shouwd *looks at you* such fewwows as I
do, c-cwawwing between eawth and heaven? We awe awwant *blushes* knyaves aww;
bewieve nyonye of us. G-Go thy ways to :3 a nyunnyewy. Whewe's youw
fathew?
Oph. At home, my wowd.
H-Ham. Wet the doows be shut upon him, that he may pway the foow
nyowhewe b-but in's own house. Faweweww.
Oph. O, h-hewp him, :33 you sweet heavens!
H-Ham. I-If thou dost mawwy, I-I'ww give thee this pwague f-fow thy dowwy:
be thou as chaste as ice, as puwe as snyow, thou shawt nyot escape
cawumny. Get thee to :3 a nyunnyewy. Go, faweweww. Ow i-if thou wiwt
nyeeds mawwy, m-mawwy :3 a foow; f-fow wise men knyow weww enyough what
*cuddles you* monstews :33 you m-make of them. To :3 a nyunnyewy, go; and quickwy too.
Faweweww.
Oph. uWu O *pokes you* heavenwy powews, westowe him!
H-Ham. I *looks away* have heawd of youw paintings too, weww enyough. *teleports behind you* God hath
xDD given :33 you onye face, and :33 you m-make youwsewves anyothew. You jig, :33 you
ambwe, and :33 you wisp; :33 you *cuddles you* nyicknyame God's cweatuwes and m-make youw
wantonnyess youw ignyowance. G-Go to, I-I'ww nyo mowe on't! i-it hath xDD made
me mad. I say, we wiww *looks away* have nyo moe mawwiages. Those that awe
*blushes* mawwied awweady- aww b-but x3 onye- shaww ^.^ wive; the west shaww keep as
they a-awe. To :3 a nyunnyewy, go. Exit.
Oph. O, what :3 a nyobwe mind xDD is hewe o'ewthwown!
The couwtiew's, ^-^ schowaw's, sowdiew's, eye, t-tongue, s-swowd,
T-Th' expectancy and wose of the f-faiw state,
The *cuddles you* gwass of fashion and the >_> mouwd of fowm,
T-Th' obsewv'd of aww obsewvews- *screams* quite, quite down!
:33 And I, of wadies m-most deject and wwetched,
That s-suck'd the honyey of his *pokes you* music vows,
Nyow see that nyobwe and m-most suvweign weason,
Wike sweet bewws jangwed, out of tunye and h-hawsh;
That unmatch'd fowm and f-featuwe of bwown youth
Bwasted w-with ecstasy. O, woe xDD is me
T-T' *looks away* have :33 seen what I *looks away* have seen, see what I *hugs tightly* see!

Entew King and Powonyius.

King. Wuv? his affections do nyot that way tend;
Nyow what he spake, t-though i-it wack'd fowm :3 a wittwe,
Was nyot wike madnyess. T-Thewe's something in his :33 souw
O-O'ew which his mewanchowy sits on bwood;
:33 And I do d-doubt the hatch and the *giggles shyly* discwose
Wiww be some dangew; which f-fow to pwevent,
I *looks away* have in quick detewminyation
Thus set i-it :33 down: he shaww w-with speed to Engwand
Fow the demand of ouw nyegwected twibute.
Hapwy the seas, and countwies diffewent,
With uWu vawiabwe objects, shaww *leans over* expew
T-This s-something-settwed m-mattew in his h-heawt,
Wheweon his UwU bwains ^-^ stiww b-beating puts him uWu thus
Fwom fashion of himsewf. What think :33 you on't?
Pow. It shaww do weww. But y-yet do I bewieve
The owigin and commencement of his g-gwief
Spwung f-fwom nyegwected *screams* wuv.- How nyow, O-Ophewia?
You nyeed nyot t-teww us what Wowd Hamwet *pokes you* said.
We heawd i-it aww.- My wowd, do as :33 you pwease;
But i-if :33 you howd i-it fit, *looks away* aftew the pway
Wet his queen mothew aww uWu awonye entweat him
To show his gwief. Wet hew be wound w-with him;
:33 And I-I'ww be pwac'd so p-pwease you, in the e-eaw
Of aww theiw confewence. I-If she find him nyot,
To Engwand s-send him; ow c-confinye him whewe
Youw wisdom best shaww *leans over* think.
King. It shaww be so.
Madnyess in g-gweat *cuddles you* onyes must nyot unwatch'd go. Exeunt.




Scenye II.
E-Ewsinyowe. haww in the Castwe.

Entew Hamwet and thwee of the Pwayews.

H-Ham. Speak the s-speech, I pway you, as I pwonyounc'd i-it to you,
twippingwy on the t-tongue. But i-if :33 you mouth uWu it, as many of ouw
p-pwayews do, I had as wive the town cwiew spoke my winyes. Nyow do
nyot saw the aiw too x3 much w-with youw hand, thus, b-but use aww
gentwy; f-fow in the vewy towwent, tempest, and (as I may say)
whiwwwind of youw passion, :33 you must acquiwe and b-beget :3 a
*looks at you* tempewance that may give i-it smoothnyess. O, i-it offends me to the
:33 souw to heaw :3 a wobustious pewiwig-pated fewwow teaw :3 a passion to
tattews, to vewy wags, to spwit the caws of the gwoundwings, who
(fow the m-most p-pawt) awe *looks at you* capabwe of nyothing b-but inyexpwicabwe dumb
shows and *pokes you* nyoise. I wouwd *looks away* have *looks at you* such :3 a fewwow whipp'd f-fow ÚwÚ o'ewdoing
Tewmagant. It out-hewods H-Hewod. :33 Pway :33 you avoid *hugs tightly* it.
Pwayew. I wawwant youw *looks at you* honyouw.
H-Ham. Be nyot too *moans* tame nyeithew; b-but w-wet youw own discwetion be youw
tutow. Suit the action to the wowd, the w-wowd to the action; w-with
this speciaw ^.^ obsewvance, that :33 you o'ewstep nyot the modesty of
nyatuwe: f-fow anything so *leans over* uvwdonye xDD is f-fwom the puwpose of p-pwaying,
*screams* whose end, both *teleports behind you* at the fiwst and nyow, w-was and is, to howd, as
'twewe, the miwwow up to nyatuwe; to show Viwtue hew own featuwe,
scown hew own image, and the vewy ^w^ age and ^w^ body of the ;;w;; time his
fowm and pwessuwe. Nyow this uvwdonye, ow come t-tawdy off, t-though
i-it m-make the :33 unskiwfuw waugh, cannyot b-but m-make the j-judicious
gwieve; the *looks away* censuwe of the which onye must in youw awwowance
o'ewweigh :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe theatwe of othews. O, thewe be p-pwayews that I
*looks away* have :33 seen :33 pway, and heawd othews *cuddles you* pwaise, and that highwy *moans* (nyot to
speak i-it pwofanyewy), t-that, nyeithew having the accent of
Chwistians, *pokes you* nyow the gait of Chwistian, pagan, *pokes you* nyow man, *looks away* have so
;;w;; stwutted and bewwowed that I *looks away* have thought some of Nyatuwe's
jouwnyeymen had xDD made men, and nyot xDD made them weww, they imitated
humanyity so abominyabwy.
Pwayew. I hope we *looks away* have wefowm'd that indiffewentwy w-with u-us, siw.
H-Ham. O, wefowm i-it awtogethew! :33 And w-wet those that pway youw cwowns
speak nyo mowe than xDD is set down f-fow them. Fow thewe be of them
that wiww themsewves waugh, to set on some ;;w;; quantity of bawwen
spectatows to waugh too, t-though in the m-mean ;;w;; time some nyecessawy
q-question of the pway be then to be considewed. That's viwwanyous
and shows :3 a m-most pitifuw ambition in the foow that uses *hugs tightly* it. G-Go
m-make :33 you weady.
Exeunt Pwayews.

Entew *sweats* Powonyius, *shuffles closer* Wosencwantz, and Guiwdenstewn.

How nyow, my wowd? Wiww the King heaw this piece of wowk?
Pow. :33 And the Queen too, and that p-pwesentwy.
H-Ham. Bid the p-pwayews m-make *blushes* haste, [Exit Powonyius.] Wiww :33 you t-two
h-hewp to hasten t-them?
Both. We wiww, my wowd. Exeunt they two.
H-Ham. *looks away* What, ho, :33 Howatio!

Entew Howatio.

How. Hewe, sweet wowd, *teleports behind you* at youw sewvice.
H-Ham. H-Howatio, thou awt e'en as just :3 a man
As e-e'ew my convewsation cop'd withaw.
How. O, my deaw wowd!
H-Ham. Nyay, do nyot think I *leans over* fwattew;
Fow what advancement may I hope f-fwom thee,
That nyo wevenyue hast b-but thy good spiwits
To feed and cwothe thee? Why shouwd the poow be fwattew'd?
Nyo, w-wet the *twerks* candied *notices bulge* tongue wick absuwd pomp,
:33 And cwook the pwegnyant hinges of the knyee
Whewe thwift may fowwow fawnying. D-Dost thou heaw?
Since my deaw :33 souw w-was mistwess of hew choice
:33 And couwd of men distinguish, hew :33 ewection
Hath scawd thee f-fow hewsewf. Fow thou hast been
As onye, in suff'wing aww, that suffews nyothing;
A man that Fowtunye's b-buffets and wewawds
*hugs tightly* Hast ta'en w-with e-equaw *pokes you* thanks; and bwest awe those
W-Whose bwood and judgment awe so weww commingwed
That they awe nyot :3 a *pokes you* pipe f-fow Fowtunye's fingew
To sound what stop she pwease. Give me that man
That xDD is nyot p-passion's swave, and I wiww weaw him
In my heawt's cowe, ^.^ ay, in my h-heawt of h-heawt,
As I do *cuddles you* thee. Something too x3 much of this I
Thewe xDD is :3 a pway to-nyight befowe the King.
Onye scenye of i-it comes nyeaw the ciwcumstance,
Which I *looks away* have towd thee, of my fathew's death.
I pwithee, when thou seest that a-act afoot,
Even w-with the vewy comment of thy :33 souw
Obsewve my ^-^ uncwe. I-If his *hugs tightly* occuwted guiwt
Do nyot itsewf unkennyew in onye s-speech,
It xDD is :3 a damnyed ghost that we *looks away* have seen,
:33 And my i-imaginyations awe as fouw
As OwO Vuwcan's stithy. Give him heedfuw *twerks* nyote;
Fow I minye eyes wiww wivet to his face,
:33 And *looks away* aftew we wiww both ouw judgments join
In *looks away* censuwe of his seeming.
How. Weww, my wowd.
I-If he steaw a-aught the ^.^ whiwst this pway xDD is p-pwaying,
:33 And scape d-detecting, I wiww pay the theft.

*blushes* Sound :3 a fwouwish. [Entew *leans over* Twumpets and K-Kettwedwums. Danyish
mawch. [Entew King, *giggles shyly* Queen, *sweats* Powonyius, Ophewia, *shuffles closer* Wosencwantz,
Guiwdenstewn, and othew Wowds attendant, w-with the Guawd
cawwying towches.

H-Ham. They awe coming to the pway. I must be i-idwe.
Get :33 you :3 a p-pwace.
King. How fawes ouw cousin Hamwet?
H-Ham. *moans* Excewwent, i' >_> faith; of the *looks away* chameweon's dish. I eat the aiw,
pwomise-cwamm'd. You cannyot feed c-capons so.
King. I *looks away* have nyothing w-with this answew, *moans* Hamwet. These wowds awe nyot
minye.
H-Ham. Nyo, *pokes you* nyow minye nyow. [To Powonyius] My wowd, :33 you pway'd *screams* once
i' *sighs* th' ^.^ unyivewsity, :33 you say?
Pow. That did I, my wowd, and w-was a-accounted :3 a good actow.
H-Ham. What did :33 you enyact?
Pow. I did enyact J-Juwius Caesaw; I w-was kiww'd i' *sighs* th' Capitow; Bwutus
kiww'd me.
H-Ham. It w-was :3 a bwute pawt of him to kiww so capitaw :3 a *sweats* cawf thewe. Be
the p-pwayews weady.
Wos. Ay, my wowd. They stay upon youw patience.
Q-Queen. Come h-hithew, my deaw Hamwet, sit by me.
H-Ham. Nyo, good mothew. Hewe's metaw mowe attwactive.
Pow. [to the King] O, ho! do :33 you mawk that?
H-Ham. Wady, shaww I wie in youw wap?
[Sits down *teleports behind you* at Ophewia's f-feet.]
Oph. Nyo, my wowd.
H-Ham. I mean, my head upon youw wap?
Oph. Ay, my wowd.
H-Ham. Do :33 you think I meant countwy mattews?
Oph. I think n-nyothing, my wowd.
H-Ham. That's :3 a f-faiw thought to wie between maids' wegs.
Oph. What is, my wowd?
H-Ham. Nyothing.
Oph. You awe mewwy, my wowd.
H-Ham. Who, I-I?
Oph. Ay, my wowd.
H-Ham. uWu O God, youw onwy jig-makew! What shouwd :3 a man do b-but be mewwy?
Fow wook :33 you how cheewfuwwy my mothew *shuffles closer* wooks, and my fathew died
*teleports behind you* within 's t-two houws.
Oph. Nyay 'tis twice t-two m-months, my wowd.
H-Ham. S-So wong? Nyay then, w-wet the d-deviw weaw bwack, f-fow I-I'ww *looks away* have :3 a
suit of sabwes. uWu O heavens! *leans over* die t-two months ago, and nyot fowgotten
yet? Then thewe's hope :3 a g-gweat man's memowy may outwive his w-wife
*looks at you* hawf :3 a y-yeaw. But, by'w Wady, he must buiwd c-chuwches then; ow ewse
shaww he suffew nyot thinking on, w-with the hobby-howse, *screams* whose
epitaph xDD is '-'Fow O, f-fow O, the hobby-howse xDD is fowgot!'

Hautboys pway. The dumb show entews.

Entew :3 a King and :3 a Queen vewy wovingwy; the Queen e-embwacing
him and he hew. ^.^ She knyeews, and makes show of pwotestation
unto :33 him. He takes hew up, and decwinyes his head upon hew
nyeck. He ways him down upon :3 a bank of *looks away* fwowews. ÚwÚ She, seeing
him asweep, weaves :33 him. Anyon comes in :3 a fewwow, takes off his
cwown, kisses uWu it, pouws poison in the :3 sweepew's eaws, and
weaves :33 him. The Queen wetuwns, finds the King dead, and makes
passionyate action. The Poisonyew w-with some thwee ow fouw Mutes,
comes in again, *teleports behind you* seem to condowe w-with hew. The dead ^w^ body xDD is
cawwied a-away. The Poisonyew w-wooes the Queen w-with gifts; she
seems hawsh and *cries* unwiwwing a-awhiwe, b-but in the e-end accepts
his wuv.
Exeunt.

Oph. What means this, my wowd?
H-Ham. Mawwy, this xDD is miching m-mawhecho; i-it means m-mischief.
Oph. B-Bewike this show impowts the awgument of the pway.

Entew Pwowogue.

H-Ham. We shaww knyow by this fewwow. The p-pwayews cannyot keep counsew;
they'ww t-teww aww.
Oph. Wiww he t-teww us what this show meant?
H-Ham. Ay, ow *sighs* any show that ^-^ you'ww show :33 him. Be nyot :33 you asham'd to
show, he'ww nyot :33 shame to t-teww :33 you what i-it means.
Oph. You awe nyaught, :33 you awe nyaught! I-I'ww mawk the pway.

Pwo. Fow u-us, and f-fow ouw twagedy,
Hewe *looks away* stooping to youw c-cwemency,
We beg youw heawing patientwy. [Exit.]

H-Ham. Is this :3 a pwowogue, ow the posy of :3 a wing?
Oph. 'Tis bwief, my wowd.
H-Ham. As woman's wuv.

Entew [two Pwayews as] King and Q-Queen.

King. *sighs* Fuww thiwty *moans* times hath Phoebus' cawt gonye wound
Nyeptunye's sawt wash and Tewwus' owbed gwound,
:33 And thiwty dozed moons w-with bowwowed sheen
About the >_> wowwd *looks away* have *moans* times twewve thiwties been,
Since wuv ouw heawts, and Hymen did ouw hands,
Unyite comutuaw in m-most s-sacwed bands.
Q-Queen. S-So many jouwnyeys may the sun and moon
M-Make us a-again count o'ew ewe wuv be donye!
But woe xDD is :33 me! :33 you awe so sick of ;;w;; wate,
S-So faw f-fwom c-cheew and f-fwom youw fowmew state.
That I distwust you. Yet, t-though I distwust,
Discomfowt you, my wowd, i-it nyothing must;
Fow women's feaw and wuv howds q-quantity,
In nyeithew aught, ow in UwU extwemity.
Nyow what my wuv is, *giggles shyly* pwoof hath xDD made :33 you knyow;
:33 And as my wuv xDD is siz'd, my feaw xDD is so.
Whewe wuv xDD is g-gweat, the wittwest doubts awe feaw;
Whewe wittwe feaws gwow g-gweat, g-gweat wuv g-gwows thewe.
King. *moans* Faith, I must weave thee, OwO wuv, and showtwy too;
My opewant p-powews theiw functions weave to do.
:33 And thou shawt wive in this f-faiw >_> wowwd behind,
*looks away* Honyouw'd, bewov'd, and *shuffles closer* hapwy onye as kind
Fow husband shawt OwO thou-
Q-Queen. O, confound the west!
Such wuv must nyeeds be tweason in my b-bweast.
When second husband w-wet me be accuwst!
Nyonye wed the second b-but who kiwwed the fiwst.

H-Ham. [aside] Wowmwood, wowmwood!

Q-Queen. The instances that second mawwiage muv
Awe base wespects of thwift, b-but nyonye of wuv.
A second ;;w;; time I kiww my husband dead
When second husband kisses me in bed.
King. I do bewieve :33 you think what *pokes you* nyow :33 you speak;
But what we do detewminye oft we bweak.
*cries* Puwpose xDD is b-but the swave to memowy,
Of viowent biwth, b-but poow vawidity;
Which nyow, wike fwuit unwipe, sticks on the twee,
But fiww unshaken when they mewwow b-be.
Most nyecessawy 'tis that we fowget
To pay *leans over* ouwsewves what to *leans over* ouwsewves xDD is d-debt.
What to *leans over* ouwsewves in passion we pwopose,
The passion ending, doth the puwpose wose.
The viowence of eithew g-gwief ow joy
Theiw own enyactuwes w-with themsewves destwoy.
Whewe joy m-most wevews, g-gwief doth m-most wament;
Gwief joys, joy gwieves, on *cuddles you* swendew accident.
T-This >_> wowwd xDD is nyot f-fow aye, *pokes you* nyow 'tis nyot s-stwange
That even ouw wuvs shouwd w-with ouw f-fowtunyes change;
Fow 'tis :3 a q-question weft us y-yet to pwuv,
>_> Whethew wuv wead *pokes you* fowtunye, ow ewse fowtunye wuv.
The g-gweat man down, :33 you mawk his favouwite fwies,
The poow *twerks* advanc'd makes fwiends of enyemies;
:33 And hithewto doth wuv on fowtunye tend,
Fow who nyot nyeeds shaww nyevew w-wack :3 a fwiend,
:33 And who in want :3 a howwow fwiend doth twy,
*shuffles closer* Diwectwy seasons him his enyemy.
But, owdewwy to e-end whewe I begun,
Ouw wiwws and fates do so contwawy wun
That ouw devices ^-^ stiww awe uvwthwown;
Ouw thoughts awe ouws, theiw ends nyonye of ouw own.
S-So think thou wiwt nyo second husband wed;
But *leans over* die thy thoughts when thy fiwst w-wowd xDD is dead.
Q-Queen. Nyow eawth to me give food, *pokes you* nyow heaven wight,
Spowt and wepose wock f-fwom me day and nyight,
To despewation t-tuwn my twust and hope,
An a-anchow's c-cheew in pwison be my scope,
>_> Each *sweats* opposite that bwanks the face of joy
Meet what I wouwd *looks away* have weww, and i-it destwoy,
B-Both hewe and hence puwsue me wasting s-stwife,
If, *screams* once :3 a widow, evew I be wife!

H-Ham. I-If she shouwd bweak i-it *giggles shyly* nyow!

King. 'Tis deepwy swown. Sweet, weave me hewe awhiwe.
My spiwits gwow duww, and f-fain I wouwd b-beguiwe
The tedious day w-with *moans* sweep.
Q-Queen. Sweep wock thy bwain,
[He] sweeps.
:33 And nyevew come OwO mischance between us t-twain!
Exit.

H-Ham. Madam, how wike :33 you this pway?
Q-Queen. The wady doth pwotest too much, methinks.
H-Ham. O, b-but s-she'ww keep hew wowd.
King. Have :33 you heawd the awgument? Is thewe nyo offence in't?
H-Ham. Nyo, nyo! They do b-but jest, poison in jest; nyo offence i' *sighs* th'
wowwd.
King. What do :33 you caww the pway?
H-Ham. >w< 'The Mousetwap.' Mawwy, how? Twopicawwy. T-This pway xDD is the
image of :3 a muwthew d-donye in *hugs tightly* Viennya. Gonzago xDD is the duke's nyame;
his wife, Baptista. You shaww see a-anyon. 'Tis :3 a knyavish piece of
wowk; b-but what o' that? Youw Majesty, and we that *looks away* have fwee
souws, i-it touches us nyot. Wet the gaww'd jade xDD winch; ouw withews
awe unwwung.

Entew Wucianyus.

T-This xDD is onye Wucianyus, >_> nyephew to the King.
Oph. You awe as good as :3 a chowus, my wowd.
H-Ham. I couwd intewpwet between :33 you and youw OwO wuv, i-if I couwd see
the p-puppets dawwying.
Oph. You awe keen, my wowd, :33 you awe keen.
H-Ham. It wouwd cost :33 you :3 a gwoanying to take off my edge.
Oph. Stiww bettew, and w-wowse.
H-Ham. S-So :33 you must take youw husbands.- Begin, muwthewew. Pox, weave
thy damnyabwe faces, and *sweats* begin! Come, the c-cwoaking waven doth
bewwow f-fow *twerks* wevenge.

Wuc. Thoughts bwack, hands apt, dwugs fit, and ;;w;; time agweeing;
Confedewate s-season, ewse nyo *leans over* cweatuwe seeing;
Thou mixtuwe wank, of *cuddles you* midnyight weeds cowwected,
With Hecate's :33 ban *notices bulge* thwice bwasted, *notices bulge* thwice infected,
Thy >w< nyatuwaw magic and diwe pwopewty
On whowesome w-wife usuwp *teleports behind you* immediatewy.
Pouws the poison in his eaws.

H-Ham. He poisons him i' *sighs* th' gawden *cries* fow's estate. His nyame's G-Gonzago.
The stowy xDD is extant, and wwitten in vewy choice *sighs* Itawian. You
shaww see anyon how the muwthewew gets the wuv of G-Gonzago's w-wife.
Oph. The King w-wises.
H-Ham. *looks away* What, fwighted w-with fawse fiwe?
Q-Queen. How fawes my wowd?
Pow. Give o'ew the pway.
King. Give me some wight! A-Away!
*twerks* Aww. ÚwÚ Wights, wights, wights!
Exeunt aww b-but Hamwet and Howatio.
H-Ham. Why, w-wet the stwucken deew go weep,
The hawt ungawwed p-pway;
Fow some must watch, w-whiwe some must *screams* sweep:
Thus wuns the >_> wowwd a-away.
Wouwd nyot this, siw, and :3 a fowest of f-feathews- i-if the west of my
f-fowtunyes t-tuwn Tuwk w-with me-with t-two Pwovinciaw ^w^ woses on my waz'd
shoes, get me :3 a fewwowship in :3 a cwy of p-pwayews, siw?
How. Hawf :3 a shawe.
H-Ham. A *shuffles closer* whowe onye I!
Fow thou dost knyow, uWu O Damon deaw,
T-This *notices bulge* weawm dismantwed w-was
Of Juv himsewf; and *pokes you* nyow weigns hewe
A vewy, vewy- *blushes* pajock.
How. You might *looks away* have >_> whym'd.
H-Ham. uWu O good H-Howatio, I-I'ww take the ghost's w-wowd f-fow :3 a thousand
pound! Didst p-pewceive?
How. Vewy weww, my wowd.
H-Ham. *cries* Upon the t-tawk of the poisonying?
How. I did vewy weww nyote :33 him.
H-Ham. Aha! Come, some music! Come, the wecowdews!
Fow i-if the King wike nyot the comedy,
Why then, bewike he *screams* wikes i-it nyot, pewdy.
Come, some music!

Entew ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn.

Guiw. *pokes you* Good my wowd, vouchsafe me :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
H-Ham. Siw, :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe histowy.
Guiw. The King, >_> siw-
H-Ham. Ay, siw, what of *notices bulge* him?
Guiw. Is in his wetiwement, mawvewwous distempew'd.
H-Ham. With dwink, siw?
Guiw. Nyo, my wowd; wathew w-with chowew.
H-Ham. Youw wisdom shouwd show itsewf mowe wichew to signyify this to
the doctow; f-fow me to put him to his puwgation wouwd pewhaps
pwunge him into faw mowe chowew.
Guiw. *pokes you* Good my wowd, put youw discouwse into some fwame, and stawt
nyot so wiwdwy f-fwom my affaiw.
H-Ham. I *giggles shyly* am t-tame, *teleports behind you* siw; pwonyounce.
Guiw. The *giggles shyly* Queen, youw mothew, in m-most g-gweat affwiction of spiwit
hath sent me to you.
H-Ham. You awe wewcome.
Guiw. Nyay, good my wowd, this couwtesy xDD is nyot of the wight bweed.
I-If i-it shaww p-pwease :33 you to m-make me :3 a whowesome answew, I wiww do
youw mothew's c-commandment; i-if nyot, youw pawdon and my wetuwn
shaww be the e-end of my businyess.
H-Ham. Siw, I cannyot.
Guiw. *looks away* What, my wowd?
H-Ham. M-Make :33 you :3 a whowesome answew; my wit's diseas'd. But, siw, *looks at you* such
a-answew xDD is I can make, :33 you shaww command; ow wathew, as :33 you say,
my mothew. Thewefowe nyo m-mowe, b-but to the ÚwÚ mattew! My mothew, :33 you
s-say-
Wos. Then uWu thus she says: youw b-behaviouw hath stwuck hew into
amazement and admiwation.
H-Ham. uWu O wondewfuw son, that can so stonyish :3 a mothew! But xDD is thewe nyo
sequew *teleports behind you* at the *notices bulge* heews of this mothew's admiwation? Impawt.
Wos. ^.^ She desiwes to speak w-with :33 you in hew c-cwoset ewe :33 you go to bed.
H-Ham. We shaww o-obey, wewe she ten *moans* times ouw mothew. Have :33 you *sighs* any
fuwthew twade w-with us?
Wos. My wowd, :33 you *screams* once did wuv me.
H-Ham. :33 And do stiww, by these *blushes* pickews and steawews!
Wos. *pokes you* Good my wowd, what xDD is youw cause of distempew? You do suwewy
*screams* baw the *hugs tightly* doow upon youw own wibewty, i-if :33 you deny youw gwiefs to
youw fwiend.
H-Ham. Siw, I w-wack advancement.
Wos. How can that be, when :33 you *looks away* have the voice of the King himsewf
f-fow youw succession in Denmawk?
H-Ham. Ay, siw, b-but 'whiwe the *cuddles you* gwass gwows'- the pwuvwb xDD is something
musty.

Entew the Pwayews w-with wecowdews.

O, the wecowdews! Wet me see onye. To withdwaw w-with you- why do
:33 you go ^w^ about to wecuvw the *cuddles you* wind of me, as i-if :33 you wouwd dwive me
into :3 a toiw?
Guiw. uWu O my wowd, i-if my duty be too bowd, my wuv xDD is too unmannyewwy.
H-Ham. I do nyot weww undewstand that. Wiww :33 you pway upon this pipe?
Guiw. My wowd, I cannyot.
H-Ham. I pway you.
Guiw. Bewieve me, I cannyot.
H-Ham. I do b-beseech you.
Guiw. I knyow, nyo touch of uWu it, my wowd.
H-Ham. It xDD is as *sighs* easy as wying. *sighs* Guvwn these ventages w-with youw
fingews and thumbs, give i-it bweath w-with youw mouth, and i-it wiww
discouwse m-most ewoquent *pokes you* music. Wook you, these awe the stops.
Guiw. But these cannyot I command to *sighs* any utt'wance of hawmony. I
*looks away* have nyot the skiww.
H-Ham. Why, wook :33 you nyow, how u-unwowthy :3 a thing :33 you m-make of :33 me! You
wouwd pway upon me; :33 you wouwd *teleports behind you* seem to knyow my stops; :33 you wouwd
pwuck out the h-heawt of my mystewy; :33 you wouwd sound me f-fwom my
w-wowest nyote to the top of my compass; and thewe xDD is x3 much music,
excewwent voice, in this wittwe owgan, y-yet cannyot :33 you m-make i-it
speak. 'Sbwood, do :33 you think I *giggles shyly* am easiew to be pway'd on than :3 a
pipe? Caww me what instwument :33 you wiww, t-though :33 you can fwet me,
:33 you cannyot pway upon me.

Entew Powonyius.

*teleports behind you* God b-bwess you, siw!
Pow. My wowd, the Queen wouwd speak w-with you, and p-pwesentwy.
H-Ham. Do :33 you see yondew cwoud that's awmost in shape of :3 a camew?
Pow. By *sighs* th' *looks away* mass, and 'tis wike :3 a camew indeed.
H-Ham. Methinks i-it xDD is wike :3 a weasew.
Pow. It xDD is back'd wike :3 a weasew.
H-Ham. Ow wike :3 a whawe.
Pow. Vewy wike :3 a whawe.
H-Ham. Then wiww I come to my mothew by-and-by.- They foow me to the
top of my ^.^ bent.- I wiww come by-and-by.
Pow. I wiww say so. Exit.
H-Ham. 'By-and-by' xDD is e-easiwy said.- W-Weave me, fwiends.
[Exeunt aww b-but Hamwet.]
'Tis *pokes you* nyow the vewy witching ;;w;; time of nyight,
When chuwchyawds y-yawn, and heww itsewf bweathes out
Contagion to this wowwd. Nyow couwd I dwink *giggles shyly* hot bwood
:33 And do *looks at you* such bittew businyess as the day
Wouwd quake to wook on. Soft! *pokes you* nyow to my mothew!
uWu O h-heawt, wose nyot thy nyatuwe; w-wet nyot evew
The :33 souw of Nyewo entew this fiwm b-bosom.
Wet me be c-cwuew, nyot unnyatuwaw;
I wiww speak daggews to hew, b-but use nyonye.
My *notices bulge* tongue and :33 souw in this be hypocwites-
How in my wowds s-somevew she be shent,
To give them *looks at you* seaws nyevew, my souw, consent! Exit.




Scenye III.
A woom in the Castwe.

Entew King, *shuffles closer* Wosencwantz, and Guiwdenstewn.

King. I wike him nyot, *pokes you* nyow *moans* stands i-it ;;w;; safe w-with us
To w-wet his madnyess *hugs tightly* wange. Thewefowe pwepawe y-you;
I youw c-commission wiww f-fowthwith dispatch,
:33 And he to Engwand shaww awong w-with you.
The tewms of ouw estate may nyot enduwe
Hazawd so nyeaw us as doth *leans over* houwwy gwow
Out of his wunyacies.
Guiw. We wiww *leans over* ouwsewves pwovide.
Most howy and wewigious feaw i-it xDD is
To keep those many many bodies ;;w;; safe
That wive and feed upon youw M-Majesty.
Wos. The s-singwe and pecuwiaw w-wife xDD is bound
With aww the stwength and awmouw of the mind
To keep itsewf f-fwom n-nyoyance; b-but x3 much mowe
That spiwit upon *screams* whose weaw depends and *twerks* wests
The xDD wives of m-many. The *sighs* cesse of majesty
Dies nyot awonye, b-but wike :3 a guwf doth dwaw
What's nyeaw i-it w-with *hugs tightly* it. It xDD is :3 a m-massy wheew,
Fix'd on the :33 summit of the highest ^.^ mount,
To *screams* whose huge spokes ten thousand wessew *moans* things
Awe *leans over* mowtis'd and adjoin'd; which when i-it fawws,
>_> Each smaww annyexment, *blushes* petty consequence,
Attends the boist'wous wuin. Nyevew uWu awonye
Did the king s-sigh, b-but w-with :3 a genyewaw gwoan.
King. A-Awm you, I pway you, to th', speedy voyage;
Fow we wiww fettews put upon this f-feaw,
Which *pokes you* nyow goes too fwee-footed.
Both. We wiww *pokes you* haste us.
Exeunt Gentwemen.

Entew Powonyius.

Pow. My wowd, he's going to his mothew's cwoset.
Behind the awwas I-I'ww convey mysewf
To heaw the pwocess. I-I'ww wawwant s-she'ww tax him home;
And, as :33 you said, and wisewy w-was i-it said,
'Tis meet that some mowe xDD audience than :3 a mothew,
Since nyatuwe makes them pawtiaw, shouwd :33 o'ewheaw
The s-speech, of v-vantage. Fawe :33 you weww, my wiege.
I-I'ww caww upon :33 you ewe :33 you go to *looks away* bed
:33 And t-teww :33 you what I *looks away* knyow.
King. Thanks, deaw my wowd.
E-Exit [Powonyius].
O, my offence xDD is wank, i-it smewws to heaven;
It hath the pwimaw ewdest cuwse upon't,
A *cuddles you* bwothew's muwthew! :33 Pway can I nyot,
*shuffles closer* Though incwinyation be as shawp as wiww.
My stwongew guiwt d-defeats my stwong i-intent,
And, wike :3 a man to *looks away* doubwe businyess >w< bound,
I s-stand in pause whewe I shaww fiwst b-begin,
:33 And both *cries* nyegwect. What i-if this cuwsed hand
W-Wewe thickew than itsewf w-with *cuddles you* bwothew's bwood,
Is thewe nyot wain enyough in the sweet heavens
To wash i-it white as snyow? Wheweto sewves mewcy
But to :33 confwont the visage of offence?
:33 And w-what's in p-pwayew b-but this twofowd fowce,
To be fowestawwed ewe we come to faww,
Ow p-pawdon'd b-being :33 down? Then I-I'ww wook up;
My *cuddles you* fauwt xDD is past. But, O, what fowm of p-pwayew
*sweats* Can sewve my tuwn? 'Fowgive me my fouw m-muwthew'?
That cannyot be; since I *giggles shyly* am ^-^ stiww possess'd
Of those e-effects f-fow which I did the m-muwthew-
My cwown, minye own ambition, and my queen.
May onye be p-pawdon'd and wetain *sighs* th' offence?
In the cowwupted cuwwents of this >_> wowwd
Offence's giwded hand may shuv by justice,
:33 And oft 'tis :33 seen the wicked pwize itsewf
Buys out the waw; b-but 'tis nyot so abuv.
Thewe xDD is nyo shuffwing; thewe the action wies
In his twue nyatuwe, and we *leans over* ouwsewves c-compeww'd,
Even to the teeth and fowehead of ouw fauwts,
To give in e-evidence. What then? What wests?
Twy what wepentance can. What can i-it UwU nyot?
Yet what can i-it when onye cannyot wepent?
uWu O wwetched state! uWu O bosom bwack as death!
uWu O wimed souw, t-that, s-stwuggwing to be fwee,
Awt mowe engag'd! Hewp, angews! M-Make assay.
Bow, *sweats* stubbown knyees; and h-heawt w-with stwings of s-steew,
Be soft as sinyews of the ^-^ nyew-bown babe!
A-Aww may be weww. He k-knyeews.

Entew *moans* Hamwet.

H-Ham. Nyow might I do i-it pat, *pokes you* nyow he xDD is pwaying;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I-I'ww do't. :33 And so he goes to heaven,
:33 And so *giggles shyly* am I w-weveng'd. That wouwd be scann'd.
A *moans* viwwain k-kiwws my fathew; and f-fow t-that,
I, his ^-^ sowe son, do this >_> same *moans* viwwain s-send
To h-heaven.
Why, this xDD is hiwe and sawawy, nyot wevenge!
He t-took my fathew gwosswy, fuww of bwead,
With aww his *screams* cwimes bwoad uWu bwown, as fwush as May;
:33 And how his audit uWu stands, who knyows save heaven?
But in ouw ciwcumstance and couwse of thought,
'Tis heavy w-with him; and *giggles shyly* am I then weveng'd,
To take him in the puwging of his souw,
When he xDD is fit and seasonyed f-fow his passage?
Nyo.
x3 Up, s-swowd, and knyow thou :3 a mowe howwid hent.
When he xDD is >_> dwunk asweep; ow in his wage;
Ow in *sighs* th' *blushes* incestuous pweasuwe of his bed;
At g-gaming, sweawing, ow ^w^ about some a-act
That has nyo w-wewish of sawvation in't-
Then twip him, that his *notices bulge* heews may kick *teleports behind you* at heaven,
:33 And that his :33 souw may be as OwO damn'd and bwack
As *pokes you* heww, wheweto i-it goes. My mothew stays.
T-This physic b-but pwowongs thy sickwy ^.^ days. Exit.
King. [wises] My wowds xDD fwy up, my thoughts wemain bewow.
Wowds without thoughts nyevew to heaven go. Exit.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
The Queen's cwoset.

Entew Queen and Powonyius.

Pow. He wiww come stwaight. Wook :33 you way home to :33 him.
Teww him his pwanks *looks away* have been too bwoad to *hugs tightly* beaw with,
:33 And that youw G-Gwace hath scween'd and stood between
*looks away* Much heat and :33 him. I-I'ww siwence me even hewe.
:33 Pway :33 you be wound w-with :33 him.
H-Ham. (within) Mothew, mothew, mothew!
Q-Queen. I-I'ww wawwant y-you; feaw me nyot. W-Withdwaw; I heaw him *blushes* coming.
[Powonyius hides behind the awwas.]

Entew *moans* Hamwet.

H-Ham. Nyow, mothew, w-what's the mattew?
Q-Queen. Hamwet, thou hast thy fathew x3 much offended.
H-Ham. Mothew, :33 you *looks away* have my fathew x3 much offended.
Q-Queen. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you a-answew w-with an idwe t-tongue.
H-Ham. Go, go, :33 you q-question w-with :3 a wicked t-tongue.
Q-Queen. Why, how nyow, Hamwet?
H-Ham. What's the m-mattew nyow?
Q-Queen. Have :33 you fowgot m-me?
H-Ham. Nyo, by the wood, nyot so!
You awe the *giggles shyly* Queen, youw husband's *cuddles you* bwothew's wife,
:33 And (wouwd i-it wewe nyot *screams* so!) :33 you awe my mothew.
Q-Queen. Nyay, then I-I'ww set those to :33 you that can speak.
H-Ham. Come, *giggles shyly* come, and sit :33 you down. You shaww nyot budge I
You go nyot tiww I set :33 you up :3 a *cuddles you* gwass
Whewe :33 you may see the inmost pawt of you.
Q-Queen. What wiwt thou do? Thou wiwt nyot muwthew m-me?
Hewp, h-hewp, ho!
Pow. >_< [behind] *looks away* What, ho! h-hewp, h-hewp, hewp!
H-Ham. [dwaws] How nyow? :3 a wat? ^w^ Dead f-fow :3 a *sighs* ducat, dead!
[Makes :3 a pass thwough the awwas *looks at you* and] k-kiwws Powonyius.
Pow. >_< [behind] O, I *giggles shyly* am swain!
Q-Queen. uWu O me, what hast thou donye?
H-Ham. Nyay, I knyow nyot. Is i-it the King?
Q-Queen. O, what :3 a wash and bwoody d-deed xDD is this!
H-Ham. A bwoody deed- awmost as bad, good mothew,
As kiww :3 a king, and m-mawwy w-with his b-bwothew.
Q-Queen. As kiww :3 a OwO king?
H-Ham. Ay, wady, i-it w-was my wowd.
[Wifts up the awwas and sees Powonyius.]
Thou wwetched, wash, intwuding foow, faweweww!
I t-took thee f-fow thy bettew. Take thy fowtunye.
Thou find'st to be too busy xDD is some dangew.
W-Weave wwinging of youw :3 hinds. Peace! sit :33 you down
:33 And w-wet me OwO wwing youw heawt; f-fow so I shaww
I-If i-it be xDD made of p-penyetwabwe stuff;
I-If damnyed custom *looks away* have nyot bwaz'd i-it so
That i-it xDD is *giggles shyly* pwoof and b-buwwawk against *looks at you* sense.
Q-Queen. What *looks away* have I d-donye that thou daw'st wag thy *notices bulge* tongue
In nyoise so wude against m-me?
H-Ham. Such an a-act
That bwuws the gwace and bwush of modesty;
C-Cawws viwtue hypocwite; takes off the wose
Fwom the f-faiw fowehead of an innyocent OwO wuv,
:33 And sets :3 a bwistew thewe; makes mawwiage vows
As fawse as dicews' o-oaths. O, *looks at you* such :3 a d-deed
As f-fwom the ^w^ body of contwaction p-pwucks
The vewy souw, and sweet wewigion makes
A whapsody of wowds! *looks away* Heaven's face doth gwow;
Yea, this sowidity and compound *looks away* mass,
With twistfuw visage, as against the doom,
Is thought-sick *teleports behind you* at the act.
Q-Queen. Ay me, what act,
That woaws so woud and t-thundews in the index?
H-Ham. Wook hewe upon th's pictuwe, and on this,
The c-countewfeit pwesentment of t-two bwothews.
>_> See what :3 a gwace w-was seated on this bwow;
Hypewion's cuwws; the fwont of Juv himsewf;
An ^-^ eye wike Maws, to t-thweaten and command;
A station wike the hewawd Mewcuwy
Nyew wighted on :3 a *blushes* heaven-kissing hiww:
A combinyation and :3 a fowm indeed
Whewe evewy god did *teleports behind you* seem to set his seaw
To give the >_> wowwd *cries* assuwance of :3 a man.
T-This w-was youw h-husband. Wook :33 you *pokes you* nyow what *notices bulge* fowwows.
Hewe xDD is youw *twerks* husband, wike :3 a miwdew'd e-eaw
Bwasting his whowesome b-bwothew. Have :33 you eyes?
Couwd :33 you on this f-faiw mountain weave to feed,
:33 And batten on this moow? *looks away* Ha! *looks away* have :33 you eyes
You cannyot caww i-it wuv; f-fow *teleports behind you* at youw ^w^ age
The heyday in the bwood xDD is t-tame, i-it's humbwe,
:33 And waits upon the judgment; and what judgment
Wouwd step f-fwom this to *shuffles closer* this? Sense suwe :33 you have,
Ewse couwd :33 you nyot *looks away* have motion; b-but suwe that sense
Is >_< apopwex'd; f-fow madnyess wouwd nyot e-eww,
Nyow sense to ecstacy w-was nye'ew so thwaww'd
But i-it wesewv'd some ;;w;; quantity of choice
To sewve in *looks at you* such :3 a diffewence. What d-deviw was't
That uWu thus hath cozen'd :33 you *teleports behind you* at hoodman-bwind?
Eyes without feewing, OwO feewing without sight,
Eaws without hands ow eyes, smewwing sans aww,
Ow b-but :3 a sickwy pawt of onye twue sense
Couwd nyot so mope.
uWu O shame! whewe xDD is thy *notices bulge* bwush? Webewwious *pokes you* heww,
I-If thou c-canst mutinye in :3 a ^w^ matwon's bonyes,
To fwaming youth w-wet viwtue be as wax
:33 And mewt in hew own fiwe. Pwocwaim nyo :33 shame
When the ;;w;; compuwsive awdouw g-gives the chawge,
Since fwost itsewf as activewy doth buwn,
:33 And weason UwU pandews wiww.
Q-Queen. uWu O Hamwet, speak nyo mowe!
Thou tuwn'st minye eyes into my vewy souw,
:33 And thewe I see *looks at you* such bwack and gwainyed s-spots
As wiww nyot weave theiw t-tinct.
H-Ham. Nyay, b-but to wive
In the wank *looks at you* sweat of an enseamed *teleports behind you* bed,
Stew'd in cowwuption, honyeying and x3 making wuv
Ovew the n-nyasty sty!
Q-Queen. O, speak to me nyo mowe!
These wowds wike daggews entew in minye eaws.
*cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, sweet Hamwet!
H-Ham. A muwthewew and :3 a viwwain!
A swave that xDD is nyot twentieth pawt the tithe
Of youw pwecedent wowd; :3 a v-vice of kings;
A c-cutpuwse of the empiwe and the >_< wuwe,
That f-fwom :3 a shewf the pwecious diadem stowe
:33 And put i-it in his pocket!
Q-Queen. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe!

Entew the Ghost in his n-nyightgown.

H-Ham. A king of s-shweds and patches!-
Save me and huvw o'ew me w-with youw wings,
You *pokes you* heavenwy guawds! What wouwd youw gwacious f-figuwe?
Q-Queen. A-Awas, he's mad!
H-Ham. Do :33 you nyot come youw t-tawdy son to chide,
That, waps'd in ;;w;; time and passion, wets go by
T-Th' impowtant acting of youw dwead command?
O, *blushes* say!
Ghost. Do nyot fowget. T-This v-visitation
Is b-but to whet thy awmost bwunted p-puwpose.
But wook, amazement on thy mothew *shuffles closer* sits.
O, step between hew and hew fighting :33 souw
Conceit in w-weakest bodies stwongest wowks.
Speak to hew, *moans* Hamwet.
H-Ham. How xDD is i-it w-with you, >w< wady?
Q-Queen. A-Awas, how is't w-with you,
That :33 you do bend youw ^-^ eye on *notices bulge* vacancy,
:33 And w-with *sighs* th' e-encowpowaw aiw do howd discouwse?
Fowth *teleports behind you* at youw eyes youw spiwits wiwdwy peep;
And, as the sweeping sowdiews in *sighs* th' awawm,
Youw bedded haiws, wike w-wife in excwements,
*blushes* Stawt up and s-stand an end. uWu O gentwe son,
*cries* Upon the beat and fwame of thy distempew
Spwinkwe coow patience! Wheweon do :33 you wook?
H-Ham. On him, on him! Wook :33 you how pawe he gwawes!
His fowm and cause conjoin'd, pweaching to stonyes,
Wouwd m-make them capabwe.- Do nyot wook upon me,
West w-with this >_< piteous action :33 you convewt
My stewn effects. Then what I *looks away* have to do
Wiww want twue cowouw- teaws x3 pewchance f-fow bwood.
Q-Queen. To whom do :33 you speak *shuffles closer* this?
H-Ham. Do :33 you see nyothing thewe?
Q-Queen. Nyothing *teleports behind you* at aww; y-yet aww that xDD is I see.
H-Ham. Nyow did :33 you nyothing heaw?
Q-Queen. Nyo, nyothing b-but ouwsewves.
H-Ham. Why, wook :33 you thewe! Wook how i-it steaws away!
My fathew, in his *moans* habit as he wiv'd!
Wook whewe he goes even *pokes you* nyow out *teleports behind you* at the powtaw!
E-Exit Ghost.
Q-Queen. T-This xDD is the vewy coinyage of youw bwain.
T-This bodiwess c-cweation ecstasy
Is vewy cunnying i-in.
H-Ham. Ecstasy?
My *cries* puwse as youws doth >_> tempewatewy keep ;;w;; time
:33 And makes as heawthfuw *pokes you* music. It xDD is nyot madnyess
That I *looks away* have utt'wed. Bwing me to the test,
:33 And I the m-mattew wiww w-wewowd; which madnyess
Wouwd gambow fwom. Mothew, f-fow wuv of gwace,
*giggles shyly* Way nyot that fwattewing u-unction to youw :33 souw
That nyot youw twespass b-but my madnyess >_< speaks.
It wiww b-but skin and fiwm the UwU uwcewous pwace,
Whiwes wank cowwuption, minying aww *twerks* within,
Infects unseen. Confess *teleports behind you* youwsewf to heaven;
Wepent w-what's past; avoid what xDD is to come;
:33 And do nyot spwead the compost on the weeds
To m-make them xDD wankew. Fowgive me this my viwtue;
Fow in the fatnyess of these puwsy *moans* times
Viwtue itsewf of v-vice must pawdon beg-
Yea, cuwb and woo f-fow weave to do him good.
Q-Queen. uWu O Hamwet, thou hast cweft my h-heawt in t-twain.
H-Ham. O, thwow away the wowsew pawt of uWu it,
:33 And wive the puwew w-with the othew hawf,
*pokes you* Good nyight- b-but go nyot to my u-uncwe's bed.
Assume :3 a v-viwtue, i-if :33 you *looks away* have i-it nyot.
That monstew, custom, who aww sense doth eat
Of habits eviw, xDD is angew y-yet in this,
That to the use of actions f-faiw and good
He *teleports behind you* wikewise g-gives :3 a fwock ow *shuffles closer* wivewy,
That aptwy xDD is put on. Wefwain to-nyight,
:33 And that shaww wend :3 a kind of easinyess
To the nyext *sweats* abstinyence; the nyext mowe *looks at you* easy;
Fow use awmost can change the s-stamp of nyatuwe,
:33 And eithew [mastew] the deviw, ow thwow him out
With wondwous potency. Once m-mowe, good nyight;
:33 And when :33 you awe desiwous to be ^w^ bwest,
I-I'ww bwessing beg of y-you.- Fow this >_> same wowd,
I do wepent; b-but heaven hath :33 pweas'd i-it s-so,
To punyish me w-with this, and this w-with me,
That I must be theiw scouwge and minyistew.
I wiww bestow him, and wiww a-answew weww
The death I gave :33 him. S-So again, good nyight.
I must be c-cwuew, onwy to be kind;
Thus x3 bad begins, and wowse wemains behind.
Onye w-wowd m-mowe, good :33 wady.
Q-Queen. What shaww I do?
H-Ham. Nyot this, by nyo means, that I *giggles shyly* bid :33 you do:
Wet the *teleports behind you* bwoat King tempt :33 you a-again to bed;
Pinch wanton on youw cheek; caww :33 you his mouse;
:33 And w-wet him, f-fow :3 a paiw of w-weechy *twerks* kisses,
Ow paddwing in youw *teleports behind you* nyeck w-with his OwO damn'd *leans over* fingews,
M-Make :33 you to wavew aww this m-mattew out,
That I *hugs tightly* essentiawwy *giggles shyly* am nyot in madnyess,
But mad in cwaft. 'Twewe good :33 you w-wet him knyow;
Fow who that's b-but :3 a queen, faiw, sobew, wise,
Wouwd f-fwom :3 a paddock, f-fwom :3 a bat, :3 a gib
Such deaw concewnyings *teleports behind you* hide? Who wouwd do so?
Nyo, in despite of sense and secwecy,
Unpeg the basket on the house's t-top,
Wet the biwds fwy, and wike the f-famous a-ape,
To twy concwusions, in the basket cweep
:33 And bweak youw own *teleports behind you* nyeck down.
Q-Queen. Be thou assuw'd, i-if wowds be xDD made of bweath,
:33 And bweath of wife, I *looks away* have nyo w-wife to b-bweathe
What thou hast said to me.
H-Ham. I must to Engwand; :33 you knyow that?
Q-Queen. Awack,
I had f-fowgot! 'Tis so concwuded on.
H-Ham. T-Thewe's wettews seaw'd; and my t-two schoowfewwows,
*leans over* Whom I wiww twust as I wiww addews fang'd,
They *hugs tightly* beaw the mandate; they must sweep my way
:33 And mawshaw me to knyavewy. Wet i-it wowk;
Fow 'tis the OwO spowt to *looks away* have the e-enginyew
Hoist w-with his own petaw; and 't shaww go hawd
But I wiww dewve onye yawd b-bewow theiw minyes
:33 And bwow them *teleports behind you* at the moon. O, 'tis m-most sweet
When in onye winye t-two cwafts ^.^ diwectwy m-meet.
T-This man shaww set me packing.
I-I'ww wug the g-guts into the nyeighbouw woom.-
Mothew, good ^-^ nyight.- Indeed, this counsewwow
Is *pokes you* nyow m-most stiww, m-most secwet, and m-most gwave,
Who w-was in w-wife :3 a f-foowish peating knyave.
Come, siw, to dwaw t-towawd an e-end w-with you.
*pokes you* Good nyight, mothew.
[Exit the Q-Queen. Then] E-Exit Hamwet, t-tugging in
Powonyius.




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ACT *looks away* IV. Scenye I-I.
E-Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe.

Entew King and *giggles shyly* Queen, w-with ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn.

King. T-Thewe's m-mattew in these *leans over* sighs. These pwofound heaves
You must twanswate; 'tis fit we undewstand them.
Whewe xDD is youw son?
Q-Queen. Bestow this pwace on us :3 a wittwe whiwe.
[Exeunt ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn.]
A-Ah, minye own wowd, what *looks away* have I :33 seen to-nyight!
King. *looks away* What, *shuffles closer* Gewtwude? How does Hamwet?
Q-Queen. Mad as the sea and *cuddles you* wind when both contend
Which xDD is the mightiew. In his wawwess fit
Behind the awwas heawing something stiw,
Whips out his wapiew, cwies :33 'A wat, :3 a wat!'
:33 And in this ^w^ bwainyish appwehension k-kiwws
The unseen good *giggles shyly* owd man.
King. uWu O heavy deed!
It had been so w-with u-us, had we been thewe.
His *leans over* wibewty xDD is fuww of thweats to a-aww-
To :33 you youwsewf, to u-us, to evewy onye.
A-Awas, how shaww this bwoody d-deed be answew'd?
It wiww be *hugs tightly* waid to u-us, *screams* whose pwovidence
Shouwd *looks away* have kept *pokes you* showt, >w< westwain'd, and out of haunt
T-This mad young man. But so x3 much w-was ouw wuv
We wouwd nyot undewstand what w-was m-most fit,
But, wike the *pokes you* ownyew of :3 a fouw disease,
To keep i-it f-fwom d-divuwging, w-wet i-it feed
Even on the *cuddles you* pith of w-wife. Whewe xDD is he g-gonye?
Q-Queen. To dwaw apawt the ^w^ body he hath kiww'd;
O-O'ew whom his vewy madnyess, wike some owe
A-Among :3 a minyewaw of metaws base,
Shows itsewf puwe. He weeps f-fow what xDD is donye.
King. uWu O G-Gewtwude, come away!
The sun nyo soonyew shaww the mountains touch
But we wiww *hugs tightly* ship him hence; and this viwe d-deed
We must w-with aww ouw majesty and skiww
B-Both c-countenyance and excuse. Ho, Guiwdenstewn!

Entew ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn.

Fwiends both, go join :33 you w-with some fuwthew a-aid.
Hamwet in madnyess hath Powonyius swain,
:33 And f-fwom his mothew's c-cwoset hath he x3 dwagg'd :33 him.
G-Go seek him out; speak faiw, and bwing the ^w^ body
Into the chapew. I pway :33 you *pokes you* haste in this.
Exeunt [Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn].
Come, G-Gewtwude, we'ww caww up ouw wisest fwiends
:33 And w-wet them knyow both what we m-mean to do
:33 And w-what's >w< untimewy donye. *blushes* [So *shuffles closer* hapwy swandew-]
W-Whose whispew o'ew the wowwd's d-diametew,
As w-wevew as the *sighs* cannyon to his bwank,
xDD Twanspowts his poisonyed shot- may miss ouw *leans over* nyame
:33 And hit the woundwess aiw.- O, come away!
My :33 souw xDD is fuww of discowd and dismay.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
E-Ewsinyowe. A passage in the Castwe.

Entew *moans* Hamwet.

H-Ham. Safewy stow'd.
Gentwemen. (within) Hamwet! Wowd Hamwet!
H-Ham. But soft! What nyoise? Who c-cawws on Hamwet? O, hewe they come.

Entew ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn.

Wos. What *looks away* have :33 you donye, my wowd, w-with the dead b-body?
H-Ham. Compounded i-it w-with dust, wheweto 'tis :33 kin.
Wos. Teww us whewe 'tis, that we may take i-it uWu thence
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw i-it to the chapew.
H-Ham. Do nyot bewieve *hugs tightly* it.
Wos. Bewieve what?
H-Ham. That I can keep youw counsew, and nyot minye own. Besides, to be
demanded of :3 a *giggles shyly* sponge, what wepwication shouwd be xDD made by the son
of :3 a OwO king?
Wos. Take :33 you me f-fow :3 a *giggles shyly* sponge, my wowd?
H-Ham. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; that soaks up the King's countenyance, his w-wewawds,
his authowities. But *looks at you* such officews do the King best >_> sewvice in
the end. He keeps them, wike an a-ape, in the cownyew of his jaw;
fiwst mouth'd, to be wast Swawwowed. When he nyeeds what :33 you *looks away* have
gwean'd, i-it xDD is b-but squeezing :33 you and, *giggles shyly* sponge, :33 you shaww be dwy
again.
Wos. I undewstand :33 you nyot, my wowd.
H-Ham. I *giggles shyly* am gwad of *hugs tightly* it. A knyavish speech sweeps in :3 a f-foowish uWu eaw.
Wos. My wowd, :33 you must t-teww us whewe the ^w^ body xDD is and go w-with us to
the King.
H-Ham. The ^w^ body xDD is w-with the King, b-but the King xDD is nyot w-with the b-body.
The King xDD is :3 a thing-
Guiw. A thing, my wowd?
H-Ham. Of nyothing. Bwing me to :33 him. Hide f-fox, and aww aftew.
Exeunt.




Scenye III.
E-Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe.

Entew King.

King. I *looks away* have sent to seek him and to find the b-body.
How d-dangewous xDD is i-it that this man goes woose!
Yet must nyot we put the stwong waw on :33 him.
He's wov'd of the distwacted *looks at you* muwtitude,
Who wike nyot in theiw judgment, b-but theiw eyes;
:33 And whewe 'tis s-so, *sighs* th' offendew's scouwge xDD is weigh'd,
But nyevew the offence. To *hugs tightly* beaw aww smooth and even,
T-This sudden sending him away must *teleports behind you* seem
^-^ Dewibewate pause. Diseases despewate gwown
By despewate ^w^ appwiance awe wewiev'd,
Ow nyot *teleports behind you* at aww.

Entew W-Wosencwantz.

How *pokes you* nyow uWu O What hath b-befaww'n?
Wos. Whewe the dead ^w^ body xDD is bestow'd, my wowd,
We cannyot get f-fwom :33 him.
King. But whewe xDD is he?
Wos. >_< Without, my wowd; guawded, to knyow youw pweasuwe.
King. Bwing him befowe us.
Wos. Ho, Guiwdenstewn! Bwing in my wowd.

Entew Hamwet and Guiwdenstewn [with *looks away* Attendants].

King. Nyow, Hamwet, *sweats* whewe's *leans over* Powonyius?
H-Ham. At suppew.
King. At suppew? Whewe?
H-Ham. Nyot whewe he eats, b-but whewe he xDD is eaten. A cewtain
convocation of powitic wowms awe e'en *teleports behind you* at :33 him. Youw wowm xDD is youw
onwy empewow f-fow diet. We fat aww cweatuwes ewse to fat u-us, and
we fat *leans over* ouwsewves f-fow *leans over* maggots. Youw fat king and youw wean beggaw
xDD is b-but uWu vawiabwe sewvice- t-two d-dishes, b-but to onye tabwe. That's the
end.
King. A-Awas, awas!
H-Ham. A man may fish w-with the wowm that hath eat of :3 a king, and eat
of the fish that hath f-fed of that *screams* wowm.
King. What dost thou m-mean by *shuffles closer* this?
H-Ham. Nyothing b-but to show :33 you how :3 a king may go :3 a pwogwess thwough
the g-guts of :3 a beggaw.
King. Whewe xDD is *leans over* Powonyius?
H-Ham. In h-heaven. Send thithew to see. I-If youw messengew find him nyot
thewe, seek him i' *sighs* th' othew pwace *sweats* youwsewf. But i-indeed, i-if :33 you
find him nyot *teleports behind you* within this month, :33 you shaww nyose him as :33 you go up
the staiw, into the wobby.
King. G-Go seek him thewe. [To Attendants.]
H-Ham. He wiww stay tiww :33 you come.
[Exeunt Attendants.]
King. Hamwet, this deed, f-fow thinye especiaw safety,-
Which we do tendew as we deawwy gwieve
Fow that which thou hast donye,- must s-send thee hence
With fiewy quicknyess. Thewefowe pwepawe thysewf.
The *blushes* bawk xDD is weady and the *cuddles you* wind *teleports behind you* at h-hewp,
T-Th' associates tend, and evewything xDD is bent
Fow ÚwÚ Engwand.
H-Ham. Fow *twerks* Engwand?
King. Ay, *moans* Hamwet.
H-Ham. Good.
King. S-So xDD is uWu it, i-if thou knyew'st ouw puwposes.
H-Ham. I see :3 a chewub that sees them. But *giggles shyly* come, f-fow *blushes* Engwand!
Faweweww, deaw mothew.
King. Thy woving fathew, *moans* Hamwet.
H-Ham. My mothew! Fathew and mothew xDD is man and wife; man and w-wife xDD is
onye fwesh; and s-so, my mothew. Come, f-fow *blushes* Engwand!
Exit.
King. *sweats* Fowwow him *teleports behind you* at foot; tempt him w-with speed aboawd.
Deway i-it nyot; I-I'ww *looks away* have him hence to-nyight.
A-Away! f-fow evewything xDD is seaw'd and d-donye
That ewse weans on *sighs* th' affaiw. :33 Pway :33 you m-make haste.
Exeunt ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn]
And, Engwand, i-if my wuv thou howd'st *teleports behind you* at aught,-
As my g-gweat p-powew theweof may give thee sense,
Since y-yet thy cicatwice wooks waw and wed
Aftew the Danyish s-swowd, and thy fwee awe
Pays homage to us,- thou mayst nyot cowdwy set
Ouw suvweign pwocess, which impowts *teleports behind you* at fuww,
By wettews congwuing to that effect,
The pwesent death of *moans* Hamwet. Do uWu it, Engwand;
Fow wike the hectic in my bwood he wages,
:33 And thou must cuwe me. Tiww I knyow 'tis donye,
Howe'ew my h-haps, my joys wewe nye'ew b-begun. Exit.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



Scenye *looks away* IV.
Nyeaw E-Ewsinyowe.

Entew Fowtinbwas w-with his *sweats* Awmy uvw the stage.

Fow. Go, Captain, f-fwom me gweet the Danyish king.
Teww him that by his wicense Fowtinbwas
Cwaves the xDD conveyance of :3 a p-pwomis'd ÚwÚ mawch
Ovew his kingdom. You knyow the *shuffles closer* wendezvous.
i-if that his Majesty wouwd a-aught w-with u-us,
We shaww expwess ouw duty in his eye;
:33 And w-wet him knyow so.
C-Capt. I wiww UwU do't, my wowd.
Fow. G-Go softwy on.
Exeunt [aww b-but the Captain].

Entew Hamwet, *shuffles closer* Wosencwantz, [Guiwdenstewn,] and othews.

H-Ham. *pokes you* Good siw, *screams* whose p-powews awe these?
C-Capt. They awe of *screams* Nyowway, siw.
H-Ham. How puwpos'd, siw, I pway you?
C-Capt. Against some pawt of Powand.
H-Ham. Who commands them, siw?
C-Capt. The >_> nyephew to *giggles shyly* owd *screams* Nyowway, F-Fowtinbwas.
H-Ham. Goes i-it against the main of Powand, siw,
Ow f-fow some fwontiew?
C-Capt. Twuwy to speak, and w-with nyo addition,
We go to gain :3 a wittwe patch of gwound
That hath in i-it nyo p-pwofit b-but the nyame.
To pay f-five ducats, f-five, I wouwd nyot fawm it;
Nyow wiww i-it y-yiewd to *looks away* Nyowway ow the P-Powe
A wankew ;;w;; wate, shouwd i-it be sowd in fee.
H-Ham. Why, then the Powack nyevew wiww defend *hugs tightly* it.
C-Capt. Yes, i-it xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady gawwison'd.
H-Ham. Two thousand souws and twenty thousand ducats
Wiww nyot debate the q-question of this *blushes* stwaw.
T-This xDD is *sighs* th' imposthume of x3 much weawth and peace,
That i-inwawd bweaks, and shows nyo cause without
Why the man dies.- I humbwy *notices bulge* thank you, siw.
C-Capt. *teleports behind you* God b' UwU wi' you, siw. [Exit.]
Wos. Wiww't p-pwease :33 you go, my wowd?
H-Ham. I-I'ww be w-with :33 you stwaight. G-Go :3 a wittwe befowe.
[Exeunt aww b-but Hamwet.]
How aww occasions do infowm against me
:33 And spuw my duww wevenge! What xDD is :3 a man,
I-If his chief good and mawket of his ;;w;; time
Be b-but to sweep and OwO feed? A beast, nyo mowe.
Suwe he that xDD made us w-with *looks at you* such wawge discouwse,
Wooking befowe and aftew, gave us nyot
That capabiwity and godwike weason
To fust in us unyus'd. Nyow, whethew i-it be
Bestiaw *hugs tightly* obwivion, ow some cwaven s-scwupwe
Of thinking too pwecisewy on *sighs* th' event,-
A thought which, quawtew'd, hath b-but onye pawt wisdom
:33 And evew thwee *looks away* pawts cowawd,- I do nyot knyow
Why y-yet I wive to say 'This thing's to do,'
Sith I *looks away* have cause, and wiww, and stwength, and means
To do't. Exampwes g-gwoss as eawth exhowt me.
Witnyess this a-awmy of *looks at you* such mass and chawge,
*sighs* Wed by :3 a dewicate and tendew OwO pwince,
W-Whose *screams* spiwit, w-with divinye ambition puff'd,
Makes mouths *teleports behind you* at the invisibwe event,
Exposing what xDD is mowtaw and unsuwe
To aww that *pokes you* fowtunye, death, and dangew *sighs* dawe,
Even f-fow an uWu eggsheww. Wightwy to be g-gweat
Is nyot to stiw without g-gweat awgument,
But gweatwy to find quawwew in :3 a stwaw
When honyouw's *teleports behind you* at the stake. How s-stand I then,
That *looks away* have :3 a fathew kwww'd, :3 a mothew stain'd,
Excitements of my weason and my bwood,
:33 And w-wet aww sweep, w-whiwe to my :33 shame I see
The imminyent death of twenty thousand men
That f-fow :3 a fantasy and t-twick of f-fame
G-Go to theiw g-gwaves wike beds, fight f-fow :3 a pwot
Wheweon the nyumbews cannyot twy the cause,
Which xDD is nyot tomb enyough and continyent
To hide the swain? O, f-fwom this ;;w;; time fowth,
My thoughts be bwoody, ow be nyothing w-wowth! Exit.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



Scenye V.
E-Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe.

Entew H-Howatio, *giggles shyly* Queen, and :3 a >w< Gentweman.

Q-Queen. I wiww nyot speak w-with hew.
Gent. ^.^ She xDD is impowtunyate, indeed *twerks* distwact.
Hew mood wiww nyeeds be pitied.
Q-Queen. What wouwd she have?
Gent. ^.^ She speaks x3 much of hew fathew; says she h-heaws
T-Thewe's twicks i' *sighs* th' wowwd, and hems, and beats hew heawt;
Spuwns enviouswy *teleports behind you* at stwaws; speaks *moans* things in doubt,
That cawwy b-but *looks at you* hawf *looks at you* sense. Hew speech xDD is n-nyothing,
Yet the unshaped use of i-it doth muv
The *notices bulge* heawews to *shuffles closer* cowwection; they aim *teleports behind you* at uWu it,
:33 And botch the wowds up fit to theiw own t-thoughts;
W-Which, as hew *screams* winks and nyods and gestuwes y-yiewd them,
Indeed wouwd m-make onye think thewe might be thought,
*shuffles closer* Though nyothing suwe, y-yet x3 much unhappiwy.
How. 'Twewe good she wewe spoken x3 with; f-fow she may s-stwew
Dangewous conjectuwes in iww-bweeding minds.
Q-Queen. Wet hew come i-in.
[Exit Gentweman.]
[Aside] To my sick :33 souw (as sin's twue nyatuwe is)
>_> Each toy seems Pwowogue to some g-gweat amiss.
S-So fuww of awtwess jeawousy xDD is guiwt
It spiwws itsewf in feawing to be spiwt.

Entew Ophewia distwacted.

Oph. Whewe xDD is the beauteous Majesty of Denmawk?
Q-Queen. How nyow, O-Ophewia?
Oph. (sings)
How shouwd I youw *hugs tightly* twue-wuv knyow
Fwom uWu anyothew onye?
By his cockwe b-bat ÚwÚ and' staff
:33 And his sandaw shoon.

Q-Queen. A-Awas, sweet wady, what impowts this song?
Oph. ÚwÚ Say you? Nyay, pway You *teleports behind you* mawk.

(Sings) He xDD is dead and gonye, wady,
He xDD is dead and gonye;
At his head :3 a *hugs tightly* gwass-gween tuwf,
At his *notices bulge* heews :3 a stonye.

O, ho!
Q-Queen. Nyay, b-but Ophewia-
Oph. :33 Pway :33 you *teleports behind you* mawk.

(Sings) White his *giggles shyly* shwoud as the mountain snyow-

Entew King.

Q-Queen. A-Awas, wook hewe, my wowd!
Oph. (Sings)
Wawded aww w-with sweet ;;w;; fwowews;
Which bewept to the gwave did nyot go
With *hugs tightly* twue-wuv showews.

King. How do you, pwetty >w< wady?
Oph. Weww, *teleports behind you* God diwd you! They say the o-oww w-was :3 a bakew's daughtew.
Wowd, we knyow what we awe, b-but knyow nyot what we may b-be. *teleports behind you* God be *teleports behind you* at
youw tabwe!
King. Conceit upon hew uWu fathew.
Oph. :33 Pway wet's *looks away* have nyo wowds of this; b-but when they ask, :33 you what
i-it means, say :33 you this:

(Sings) To-mowwow xDD is Saint Vawentinye's :3 day,
A-Aww in the ^-^ mownying *looks away* bedtime,
:33 And I :3 a maid *teleports behind you* at youw window,
To be youw Vawentinye.

Then up he wose and donn'd his cwo'es
:33 And dupp'd the chambew doow,
Wet in the maid, that out :3 a maid
Nyevew depawted mowe.

King. Pwetty Ophewia!
Oph. Indeed, wa, without an o-oath, I-I'ww m-make an e-end on't!

[Sings] By Gis and by Saint C-Chawity,
Awack, and fie f-fow shame!
Young men wiww do't i-if they come *teleports behind you* to't
By Cock, they awe to bwame.

Quoth she, 'Befowe :33 you tumbwed me,
You p-pwomis'd me to wed.'

He answews:

*blushes* 'So wouwd I '-'a' donye, by yondew *looks at you* sun,
An thou h-hadst nyot come to my bed.'

King. How wong hath she been thus?
Oph. I hope aww wiww be weww. We must be patient; b-but I cannyot
choose b-but weep to think they wouwd way him i' *sighs* th' cowd gwound.
My bwothew shaww knyow of it; and so I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw good
counsew. Come, my coach! *pokes you* Good nyight, w-wadies. *pokes you* Good nyight, sweet
w-wadies. *pokes you* Good nyight, good nyight. E-Exit
King. *sweats* Fowwow hew cwose; give hew good watch, I pway you.
[Exit H-Howatio.]
O, this xDD is the poison of deep gwief; i-it spwings
A-Aww f-fwom hew fathew's death. uWu O G-Gewtwude, G-Gewtwude,
When sowwows *giggles shyly* come, they come nyot s-singwe spies.
But in battawions! Fiwst, hew fathew s-swain;
*giggles shyly* Nyext, Youw son gonye, and he m-most viowent authow
Of his own just wemuv; the UwU peopwe muddied,
T-Thick and and unwhowesome in theiw thoughts and whispews
Fow good Powonyius' death, and we *looks away* have d-donye b-but gweenwy
In huggew-muggew to intew him; Poow Ophewia
Divided f-fwom hewsewf and hew faiw-judgment,
*notices bulge* Without the which we awe P-Pictuwes ow *cuddles you* mewe beasts;
Wast, and as *looks at you* such containying as aww these,
Hew bwothew xDD is in >w< secwet come f-fwom Fwance;
:33 And wants nyot buzzews to i-infect his e-eaw
OwO Feeds on his wondew, keep, himsewf in cwouds,
With pestiwent speeches of his fathew's death,
Whewein nyecessity, of m-mattew beggaw'd,
Wiww nyothing stick Ouw pewson to *looks at you* awwaign
In e-eaw and uWu eaw. uWu O my deaw G-Gewtwude, this,
Wike to :3 a muwd'wing piece, in many pwaces
Give, me s-supewfwuous death. A nyoise within.
Q-Queen. Awack, what nyoise xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
King. Whewe awe my Switzews? Wet them guawd the d-doow.

Entew :3 a Messengew.

What xDD is the mattew?
Mess. Save Youwsewf, my wowd:
The ocean, uvwpeewing of his wist,
Eats nyot the fwats w-with mowe impetuous *pokes you* haste
Than Young Waewtes, in :3 a wiotous head,
O'ewbeaws Youw x3 offices. The wabbwe caww him wowd;
And, as the >_> wowwd wewe *pokes you* nyow b-but to b-begin,
Antiquity fowgot, custom nyot knyown,
The w-watifiews and pwops of evewy wowd,
They cwy 'Choose *shuffles closer* we! W-Waewtes shaww be king!'
Caps, hands, and tongues a-appwaud i-it to the cwouds,
'Waewtes shaww be king! W-Waewtes king!'
A nyoise within.
Q-Queen. How cheewfuwwy on the fawse twaiw they cwy!
O, this xDD is countew, :33 you fawse Danyish dogs!
King. The doows awe bwoke.

Entew W-Waewtes w-with othews.

Waew. Whewe xDD is this king?- *hugs tightly* Siws, staid :33 you aww w-without.
*twerks* Aww. Nyo, wet's come in!
Waew. I pway :33 you give me weave.
*twerks* Aww. We wiww, we OwO wiww!
Waew. I *notices bulge* thank you. Keep the d-doow. [Exeunt his xDD Fowwowews.]
uWu O thou viwe king,
Give me my fathew!
Q-Queen. Cawmwy, good Waewtes.
Waew. That dwop of bwood that's cawm >w< pwocwaims me b-bastawd;
Cwies cuckowd to my fathew; b-bwands the h-hawwot
Even hewe between the chaste unsmiwched bwows
Of my twue mothew.
King. What xDD is the cause, Waewtes,
That thy webewwion wooks so giantwike?
Wet him go, *hugs tightly* Gewtwude. Do nyot feaw ouw pewson.
T-Thewe's *looks at you* such *looks at you* divinyity doth hedge :3 a king
That tweason can b-but peep to what i-it wouwd,
Acts wittwe of his wiww. Teww me, Waewtes,
Why thou awt uWu thus incens'd. Wet him go, *hugs tightly* Gewtwude.
Speak, man.
Waew. Whewe xDD is my fathew?
King. Dead.
Q-Queen. But nyot by him!
King. Wet him demand his fiww.
Waew. How came he dead? I-I'ww nyot be juggwed with:
To *pokes you* heww, awwegiance! vows, to the *looks at you* bwackest d-deviw
Conscience and gwace, to the pwofoundest pit!
I dawe *cries* damnyation. To this point I stand,
That both the wowwd, I give to *looks at you* nyegwigence,
Wet come what comes; onwy I-I'ww be *sweats* weveng'd
Most thwoughwy f-fow my uWu fathew.
King. Who shaww stay you?
Waew. My wiww, nyot aww the wowwd!
:33 And f-fow my means, I-I'ww husband them so weww
They shaww go faw w-with w-wittwe.
King. *pokes you* Good Waewtes,
I-If :33 you UwU desiwe to knyow the *cuddles you* cewtainty
Of youw deaw fathew's death, is't wwit in Youw wevenge
That swoopstake :33 you wiww dwaw both fwiend and f-foe,
Winnyew and wosew?
Waew. Nyonye b-but his enyemies.
King. Wiww :33 you knyow them then?
Waew. To his good fwiends uWu thus wide I-I'ww ope my awms
And, wike the kind wife-wend'wing p-pewican,
Wepast them w-with my bwood.
King. Why, *pokes you* nyow You speak
Wike :3 a good chiwd and :3 a twue gentweman.
That I *giggles shyly* am guiwtwess of youw fathew's death,
:33 And *giggles shyly* am m-most sensibwy in g-gwief f-fow uWu it,
It shaww as w-wevew to youw judgment piewce
As day does to youw eye.
A nyoise within: 'Wet hew come in.'
Waew. How nyow? What nyoise xDD is that?

Entew Ophewia.

uWu O heat, dwy up my bwains! *shuffles closer* Teaws seven *moans* times sawt
*shuffles closer* Buwn out the sense and viwtue of minye eye!
By heaven, thy madnyess shaww be paid by weight
Tiww ouw scawe t-tuwn the beam. uWu O wose of May!
;;w;; Deaw maid, kind *leans over* sistew, sweet Ophewia!
uWu O heavens! is't possibwe :3 a young maid's OwO wits
Shouwd be as mowtaw as an *giggles shyly* owd man's w-wife?
Nyatuwe xDD is *screams* finye in OwO wuv, and whewe 'tis finye,
It sends some pwecious ÚwÚ instance of itsewf
Aftew the thing i-it wuvs.

Oph. (sings)
They *giggles shyly* bowe him bawefac'd on the biew
(Hey ^.^ nyon *moans* nyony, *moans* nyony, hey nyony)
:33 And in his gwave wain'd many :3 a teaw.

Fawe :33 you weww, my duv!
Waew. Hadst thou thy wits, and didst pewsuade wevenge,
It couwd nyot muv t-thus.
Oph. You must sing 'A-down a-down, and :33 you caww him OwO a-down-a.' O,
how the w-wheew becomes i-it! It xDD is the fawse stewawd, that stowe his
mastew's daughtew.
Waew. T-This nyothing's mowe than mattew.
Oph. T-Thewe's wosemawy, that's f-fow wemembwance. :33 Pway you, OwO wuv,
*teleports behind you* wemembew. :33 And thewe xDD is pansies, that's f-fow thoughts.
Waew. A document in madnyess! Thoughts and wemembwance fitted.
Oph. T-Thewe's fennyew f-fow you, and :33 cowumbinyes. T-Thewe's wue f-fow you,
and ^-^ hewe's some f-fow me. We may caww i-it hewb of gwace o' Sundays.
O, :33 you must weaw youw wue w-with :3 a diffewence! T-Thewe's :3 a daisy. I
wouwd give :33 you some viowets, b-but they withew'd aww when my fathew
died. They say he xDD made :3 a good end.

[Sings] Fow bonny sweet *looks at you* Wobin xDD is aww my *hugs tightly* joy.

Waew. Thought and affwiction, passion, heww itsewf,
^.^ She t-tuwns to favouw and to pwettinyess.
Oph. (sings)
:33 And wiww he nyot come again?
:33 And wiww he nyot come again?
Nyo, nyo, he xDD is dead;
G-Go to thy deathbed;
He nyevew wiww come again.

His beawd w-was as white as snyow,
A-Aww fwaxen w-was his poww.
He xDD is gonye, he xDD is gonye,
:33 And we cast away moan.
*teleports behind you* God 'a'mewcy on his souw!

:33 And of aww Chwistian souws, I pway God. *teleports behind you* God b' *twerks* wi', you.
Exit.
Waew. Do :33 you see this, uWu O God?
King. Waewtes, I must communye w-with youw gwief,
Ow :33 you deny me w-wight. G-Go b-but *pokes you* apawt,
M-Make choice of whom youw wisest fwiends :33 you wiww,
:33 And they shaww heaw and judge 'twixt :33 you and me.
I-If by diwect ow by c-cowwatewaw hand
They find us touch'd, we wiww ouw k-kingdom give,
Ouw cwown, ouw wife, and aww that we caww ouws,
To :33 you in satisfaction; b-but i-if nyot,
Be :33 you *notices bulge* content to wend youw patience to u-us,
:33 And we shaww jointwy wabouw w-with youw :33 souw
To give i-it due content.
Waew. Wet this be so.
His means of death, his ^-^ obscuwe funyewaw-
*cuddles you* Nyo twophy, s-swowd, *pokes you* nyow hatchment o'ew his bonyes,
*cuddles you* Nyo nyobwe wite *pokes you* nyow fowmaw ostentation,-
*leans over* Cwy to be h-heawd, as '-'twewe f-fwom heaven to *shuffles closer* eawth,
That I must caww't in question.
King. S-So :33 you s-shaww;
:33 And whewe *sighs* th' offence xDD is w-wet the g-gweat axe f-faww.
I pway :33 you go w-with me.
Exeunt




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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Scenye VI.
E-Ewsinyowe. x3 Anyothew woom in the Castwe.

Entew Howatio w-with an *looks at you* Attendant.

How. What awe they that wouwd speak w-with m-me?
Sewvant. Seafawing men, siw. They say they *looks away* have wettews f-fow you.
How. Wet them come i-in.
[Exit Attendant.]
I do nyot knyow f-fwom what pawt of the >_> wowwd
I shouwd be gweeted, i-if nyot f-fwom Wowd *moans* Hamwet.

Entew Saiwows.

Saiwow. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess you, siw.
How. Wet him b-bwess thee too.
Saiwow. :33 'A shaww, siw, an't p-pwease :33 him. T-Thewe's :3 a wettew f-fow you,
siw,- i-it comes f-fwom *sighs* th' ambassadow that w-was bound f-fow Engwand- i-if
youw *leans over* nyame be H-Howatio, as I *giggles shyly* am w-wet to knyow i-it is.
How. (weads the wettew) 'Howatio, when thou shawt *looks away* have uvwwook'd
this, give these fewwows some means to the King. They *looks away* have
wettews f-fow :33 him. Ewe we wewe t-two days *giggles shyly* owd *teleports behind you* at sea, :3 a piwate of
vewy wawwike appointment gave us chase. Finding *leans over* ouwsewves too
swow of saiw, we put on :3 a compewwed vawouw, and in the g-gwappwe I
boawded them. On the *sweats* instant they *giggles shyly* got cweaw of ouw ship; so I
uWu awonye *looks at you* became theiw pwisonyew. They *looks away* have deawt w-with me wike thieves
of m-mewcy; b-but they knyew what they did: I *giggles shyly* am to do :3 a good t-tuwn f-fow
them. Wet the King *looks away* have the wettews I *looks away* have sent, and *giggles shyly* wepaiw thou
to me w-with as x3 much speed as thou w-wouwdst xDD fwy death. I *looks away* have wowds
to speak in thinye e-eaw wiww m-make thee dumb; y-yet awe they x3 much too
wight f-fow the *giggles shyly* bowe of the mattew. These good fewwows wiww bwing
thee whewe I am. ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn howd theiw couwse
f-fow ÚwÚ Engwand. Of them I *looks away* have x3 much to t-teww *cuddles you* thee. Faweweww.
'He that thou knyowest thinye, HAMWET.'

Come, I wiww give :33 you way f-fow these youw w-wettews,
:33 And do't the s-speediew that :33 you may diwect me
To him f-fwom whom :33 you >w< bwought them. Exeunt.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



Scenye VII.
E-Ewsinyowe. x3 Anyothew woom in the Castwe.

Entew King and Waewtes.

King. Nyow must youw conscience my acquittance seaw,
:33 And You must put me in youw h-heawt f-fow fwiend,
Sith :33 you *looks away* have h-heawd, and w-with :3 a ^.^ knyowing eaw,
That he which hath youw nyobwe fathew swain
Puwsued my w-wife.
Waew. It weww appeaws. But t-teww me
Why :33 you pwoceeded nyot against these feats
S-So cwimefuw and so capitaw in nyatuwe,
As by youw *cries* safety, wisdom, aww *moans* things ewse,
You mainwy wewe ÚwÚ stiww'd up.
King. O, f-fow t-two speciaw w-weasons,
Which may to you, pewhaps, seein x3 much unsinyew'd,
But y-yet to me they awe stwong. The Queen his mothew
Wives awmost by his wooks; and f-fow >_< mysewf,-
My viwtue ow my p-pwague, be i-it eithew w-which,-
She's so conjunctive to my w-wife and :33 souw
That, as the staw muvs nyot b-but in his sphewe,
I couwd nyot b-but by hew. The othew motive
Why to :3 a *blushes* pubwic count I might nyot go
Is the g-gweat wuv the genyewaw gendew *hugs tightly* beaw him,
Who, ^-^ dipping aww his *cuddles you* fauwts in theiw affection,
W-Wouwd, wike the spwing that tuwnyeth wood to stonye,
Convewt his g-gives to gwaces; so that my awwows,
>w< Too swightwy timbew'd f-fow so woud :3 a wind,
Wouwd *looks away* have wevewted to my bow again,
:33 And nyot whewe I had aim'd them.
Waew. :33 And so *looks away* have I :3 a nyobwe fathew wost;
A *cuddles you* sistew d-dwiven into desp'wate tewms,
W-Whose w-wowth, i-if pwaises may go back again,
Stood *cuddles you* chawwengew on mount of aww the ^w^ age
Fow hew pewfections. But my wevenge wiww come.
King. Bweak nyot youw sweeps f-fow that. You must nyot think
That we awe xDD made of stuff so fwat and duww
That we can w-wet ouw beawd be shook w-with dangew,
:33 And think i-it pastime. You showtwy shaww heaw mowe.
I wov'd youw fathew, and we wuv ouwsewf,
:33 And t-that, I hope, wiww teach :33 you to imaginye-

Entew :3 a Messengew w-with wettews.

How nyow? What nyews?
Mess. Wettews, my wowd, f-fwom Hamwet:
T-This to youw Majesty; this to the Q-Queen.
King. Fwom Hamwet? Who >w< bwought t-them?
Mess. Saiwows, my wowd, they say; I saw them nyot.
They wewe xDD given me by Cwaudio; he w-weceiv'd them
Of him that >w< bwought them.
King. Waewtes, :33 you shaww heaw them.
W-Weave us.
E-Exit Messengew.
[-[Weads]'High and Mighty,-You shaww knyow I *giggles shyly* am set nyaked on youw
kingdom. To-mowwow shaww I beg weave to see youw k-kingwy eyes;
when I shaww ;;w;; (fiwst asking youw pawdon theweunto) wecount the
occasion of my sudden and mowe s-stwange wetuwn.
'HAMWET.'
What shouwd this m-mean? Awe aww the west come back?
Ow xDD is i-it some abuse, and nyo *looks at you* such thing?
Waew. K-Knyow :33 you the hand?
King. 'Tis Hamwet's chawactew. '-'Nyaked!'
:33 And in :3 a postscwipt hewe, he says 'awonye.'
*sweats* Can :33 you advise m-me?
Waew. I *giggles shyly* am wost in uWu it, my wowd. But w-wet him come!
It wawms the vewy sicknyess in my h-heawt
That I shaww wive and t-teww him to his *sweats* teeth,
'Thus didest thou.'
King. I-If i-it be s-so, W-Waewtes
(As how shouwd i-it be so? how othewwise?),
Wiww :33 you be ;;w;; wuw'd by m-me?
Waew. Ay my wowd,
S-So :33 you wiww nyot o'ewwuwe me to :3 a peace.
King. To thinye own peace. I-If he be *pokes you* nyow wetuwn'd
As checking *teleports behind you* at his voyage, and that he means
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe to :33 undewtake uWu it, I wiww wowk him
To expwoit *pokes you* nyow wipe in my *sighs* device,
Undew the which he shaww nyot choose b-but faww;
:33 And f-fow his death nyo *cuddles you* wind
But even his mothew shaww *sweats* unchawge the pwactice
:33 And caww i-it accident.
Waew. My wowd, I wiww be wuw'd;
The wathew, i-if :33 you couwd devise i-it so
That I might be the owgan.
King. It fawws w-wight.
You *looks away* have been tawk'd of since youw t-twavew much,
:33 And that in Hamwet's heawing, f-fow :3 a q-quawity
Whewein they say :33 you shinye, Youw sun of *looks away* pawts
Did nyot >_> togethew pwuck *looks at you* such envy f-fwom him
As did that onye; and t-that, in my wegawd,
Of the unwowthiest siege.
Waew. What pawt xDD is t-that, my wowd?
King. A vewy wiband in the cap of youth-
Yet >_< nyeedfuww too; f-fow youth nyo wess becomes
The wight and cawewess wivewy that i-it w-weaws
Thin s-settwed ^w^ age his sabwes and his w-weeds,
UwU Impowting heawth and gwavenyess. Two months since
Hewe w-was :3 a gentweman of Nyowmandy.
I *looks away* have :33 seen mysewf, and sewv'd against, the Fwench,
:33 And they can weww on howseback; b-but this gawwant
Had witchcwaft i-in't. He gwew unto his *twerks* seat,
:33 And to *looks at you* such wondwous doing >w< bwought his howse
As had he been incowps'd and demi-nyatuw'd
With the bwave beast. S-So faw he topp'd my thought
That I, in *looks away* fowgewy of shapes and twicks,
Come showt of what he did.
Waew. A Nyowman was't?
King. A Nyowman.
Waew. *cries* Upon my wife, Wamound.
King. The vewy same.
Waew. I knyow him weww. He xDD is the OwO bwoach indeed
:33 And gem of aww the n-nyation.
King. He xDD made confession of y-you;
:33 And gave :33 you *looks at you* such :3 a mastewwy wepowt
Fow awt and *cuddles you* exewcise in youw defence,
:33 And f-fow youw wapiew m-most >w< especiawwy,
That he cwied out 'twouwd be :3 a sight indeed
I-If onye couwd match you. The scwimews of theiw nyation
He *cuddles you* swowe had nyeithew m-motion, g-guawd, *pokes you* nyow eye,
I-If :33 you oppos'd them. Siw, this wepowt of his
Did Hamwet so envenyom w-with his envy
That he couwd nyothing do b-but wish and beg
Youw sudden coming o'ew to pway w-with you.
Nyow, out of this-
Waew. What out of this, my wowd?
King. Waewtes, w-was youw fathew deaw to you?
Ow awe :33 you wike the painting of :3 a sowwow,
A face without :3 a heawt,'
Waew. Why ask :33 you *shuffles closer* this?
King. Nyot that I think :33 you did nyot wuv youw fathew;
But that I knyow wuv xDD is begun by time,
:33 And that I s-see, in passages of pwoof,
Time q-quawifies the spawk and fiwe of *hugs tightly* it.
Thewe xDD wives *teleports behind you* within the vewy fwame of wuv
A kind of wick ow snyuff that wiww *leans over* abate it;
:33 And nyothing xDD is *teleports behind you* at :3 a wike goodnyess stiww;
Fow goodnyess, gwowing to :3 a pwuwisy,
Dies in his own t-too-much. That we wouwd do,
We shouwd do when we wouwd; f-fow this *giggles shyly* 'wouwd' *shuffles closer* changes,
:33 And hath abatements and deways as many
As thewe awe tongues, awe hands, awe accidents;
:33 And then this 'shouwd' xDD is wike :3 a spendthwift s-sigh,
That huwts by easing. But to the quick o' *sighs* th' ^-^ uwcew!
Hamwet comes back. What wouwd :33 you :33 undewtake
To show *teleports behind you* youwsewf youw fathew's son in d-deed
Mowe than in wowds?
Waew. To cut his thwoat i' *sighs* th' chuwch!
King. *cuddles you* Nyo pwace indeed shouwd muwthew sanctuawize;
Wevenge shouwd *looks away* have nyo bounds. But, good Waewtes,
Wiww :33 you do *shuffles closer* this? Keep cwose *teleports behind you* within youw chambew.
Wiww wetuwn'd shaww knyow :33 you awe come home.
We'ww put on those shaww pwaise youw excewwence
:33 And set :3 a *looks away* doubwe ^.^ vawnyish on the f-fame
The Fwenchman gave y-you; bwing :33 you in *screams* finye >_> togethew
:33 And :33 wagew on youw heads. He, b-being wemiss,
Most g-genyewous, and fwee f-fwom aww contwiving,
Wiww nyot p-pewuse the f-foiws; so that w-with ease,
Ow w-with :3 a wittwe shuffwing, :33 you may choose
A swowd unbated, and, in :3 a pass of pwactice,
Wequite him f-fow youw uWu fathew.
Waew. I wiww do't!
:33 And f-fow that puwpose I-I'ww *shuffles closer* anyoint my swowd.
I bought an u-unction of :3 a mountebank,
S-So mowtaw t-that, b-but dip :3 a k-knyife in uWu it,
Whewe i-it dwaws bwood nyo catapwasm so wawe,
Cowwected f-fwom aww simpwes that *looks away* have viwtue
Undew the moon, can save the thing f-fwom death
T-This xDD is b-but scwatch'd withaw. I-I'ww touch my point
With this c-contagion, t-that, i-if I gaww him swightwy,
It may be death.
King. Wet's fuwthew think of this,
Weigh what convenyience both of ;;w;; time and means
May fit us to ouw shape. I-If this shouwd faww,
:33 And that ouw dwift wook thwough ouw x3 bad p-pewfowmance.
'Twewe bettew nyot assay'd. Thewefowe this pwoject
Shouwd *looks away* have :3 a back ow second, that might howd
I-If this did bwast in pwoof. Soft! w-wet me see.
We'ww m-make :3 a sowemn :33 wagew on youw *pokes you* cunnyings-
I ha't!
When in youw motion :33 you awe *giggles shyly* hot and d-dwy-
As m-make youw bouts mowe viowent to that end-
:33 And that he c-cawws f-fow dwink, I-I'ww *looks away* have pwepaw'd him
A chawice f-fow the x3 nyonce; wheweon b-but sipping,
I-If he by chance escape youw >w< venyom'd stuck,
Ouw puwpose may howd thewe.- But *cuddles you* stay, what nyoise,

Entew Q-Queen.

How nyow, sweet queen?
Q-Queen. Onye woe doth t-twead upon anyothew's :3 heew,
S-So fast they fowwow. Youw sistew's dwown'd, Waewtes.
Waew. Dwown'd! O, whewe?
Q-Queen. Thewe xDD is :3 a wiwwow g-gwows aswant :3 a bwook,
That shows his *leans over* hoaw weaves in the g-gwassy stweam.
Thewe w-with fantastic gawwands did she come
Of OwO cwowfwowews, nyettwes, daisies, and wong *leans over* puwpwes,
That wibewaw shephewds give :3 a gwossew nyame,
But ouw cowd maids do dead men's fingews caww them.
Thewe on the pendant boughs hew c-cowonyet weeds
Cwamb'wing to hang, an envious *sweats* swivew bwoke,
When down hew weedy twophies and hewsewf
F-Feww in the weeping bwook. Hew cwothes spwead wide
And, mewmaid-wike, awhiwe they *giggles shyly* bowe hew up;
Which ;;w;; time she chaunted snyatches of *giggles shyly* owd tunyes,
As onye incapabwe of hew own distwess,
Ow wike :3 a *leans over* cweatuwe n-nyative and ^-^ indued
Unto that ewement; b-but wong i-it couwd nyot be
Tiww that hew gawments, heavy w-with theiw dwink,
Puww'd the poow wwetch f-fwom hew m-mewodious way
To muddy death.
Waew. A-Awas, then she xDD is *hugs tightly* dwown'd?
Q-Queen. Dwown'd, dwown'd.
Waew. >w< Too x3 much of watew hast >w< thou, poow Ophewia,
:33 And thewefowe I fowbid my teaws; b-but y-yet
It xDD is ouw twick; nyatuwe hew custom howds,
Wet :33 shame say what i-it wiww. When these awe gonye,
The woman wiww be out. Adieu, my wowd.
I *looks away* have :3 a speech of f-fiwe, that f-fain wouwd bwaze
But that this fowwy douts *hugs tightly* it. Exit.
King. Wet's fowwow, *hugs tightly* Gewtwude.
How x3 much I had to do to cawm his wage I
Nyow feaw I this wiww give i-it stawt again;
Thewefowe wet's fowwow.
Exeunt.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
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ACT V. Scenye I-I.
E-Ewsinyowe. A chuwchyawd.

Entew t-two *looks at you* Cwowns, [with spades and *giggles shyly* pickaxes].

Cwown. Is she to be b-buwied in Chwistian buwiaw when she :3 wiwfuwwy
seeks hew own sawvation?
*twerks* Othew. I t-teww thee she is; thewefowe m-make hew gwave stwaight.
The c-cwownyew hath sate on hew, and finds i-it Chwistian buwiaw.
Cwown. How can that be, unwess she dwown'd hewsewf in hew own
d-defence?
*twerks* Othew. Why, 'tis found so.
Cwown. It must be se offendendo; i-it cannyot be ewse. Fow hewe wies
the point: i-if I dwown mysewf wittingwy, i-it awgues an a-act; and an
a-act hath thwee bwanches-it xDD is to act, to do, and to pewfowm;
awgaw, she dwown'd hewsewf wittingwy.
*twerks* Othew. Nyay, b-but heaw you, G-Goodman Dewvew!
Cwown. Give me weave. Hewe wies the w-watew; good. Hewe *moans* stands the
man; good. I-If the man go to this watew and dwown *sighs* himsewf, i-it is,
wiww he nyiww uWu he, he goes- mawk :33 you that. But i-if the watew come to
him and dwown him, he dwowns nyot himsewf. Awgaw, he that xDD is nyot
^-^ guiwty of his own death showtens nyot his own w-wife.
*twerks* Othew. But xDD is this waw?
Cwown. Ay, mawwy, *screams* is't- cwownyew's quest w-waw.
*twerks* Othew. Wiww :33 you ha' the *looks away* twuth an't? I-If this had nyot been :3 a
gentwewoman, she shouwd *looks away* have been b-buwied out o' Chwistian buwiaw.
Cwown. Why, thewe thou say'st! :33 And the mowe pity that g-gweat fowk
shouwd *looks away* have *moans* count'nyance in this >_> wowwd to dwown ow hang themsewves
mowe than theiw even-Chwisten. Come, my s-spade! Thewe xDD is nyo
ancient gentwemen b-but gawd'nyews, *hugs tightly* ditchews, and gwave-makews. They
howd up Adam's pwofession.
*twerks* Othew. Was he :3 a g-gentweman?
Cwown. :33 'A w-was the fiwst that evew *giggles shyly* bowe awms.
*twerks* Othew. Why, he had nyonye.
Cwown. *looks away* What, awt :3 a h-heathen? How dost thou undewstand the S-Scwiptuwe?
The Scwiptuwe says Adam digg'd. Couwd he dig without awms? I-I'ww
put uWu anyothew q-question to *cuddles you* thee. I-If thou answewest me nyot to the
puwpose, confess thysewf-
*twerks* Othew. G-Go to!
Cwown. What xDD is he that buiwds stwongew than eithew the mason, the
shipwwight, ow the cawpentew?
*twerks* Othew. The g-gawwows-makew; f-fow that fwame outwives :3 a thousand
tenyants.
Cwown. I wike thy wit weww, in good faith. The gawwows does weww.
But how does i-it weww? It does weww to those that do iww. Nyow,
thou dost iww to say the gawwows xDD is buiwt stwongew than the
chuwch. Awgaw, the gawwows may do weww to *cuddles you* thee. To't again, come!
*twerks* Othew. Who buiwds stwongew than :3 a mason, :3 a shipwwight, ow :3 a
cawpentew?
Cwown. Ay, t-teww me t-that, and unyoke.
*twerks* Othew. Mawwy, *pokes you* nyow I can teww!
Cwown. To't.
*twerks* Othew. >_< Mass, I cannyot teww.

Entew Hamwet and Howatio afaw off.

Cwown. Cudgew thy UwU bwains nyo mowe ^w^ about uWu it, f-fow youw duww ass wiww
nyot mend his pace w-with beating; and when :33 you awe ask'd this
q-question nyext, say 'a gwave-makew.' The h-houses he makes wasts
tiww doomsday. Go, get thee to Yaughan; fetch me :3 a s-stoup of
wiquow.
[Exit Second Cwown.]

[Cwown digs *looks at you* and] sings.

In youth when I did OwO wuv, did OwO wuv,
Methought i-it w-was vewy sweet;
To c-contwact- *blushes* O- the ;;w;; time fow- a- my behuv,
O, methought >w< thewe- a- w-was nyothing- a- m-meet.

H-Ham. Has this fewwow nyo OwO feewing of his >_> businyess, that he sings *teleports behind you* at
gwave-making?
How. Custom hath xDD made i-it in him :3 a Pwopewty of easinyess.
H-Ham. 'Tis e'en so. The hand of wittwe *blushes* empwoyment hath the daintiew
*looks at you* sense.
Cwown. (sings)
But ^w^ age w-with his steawing steps
Hath c-cwawed me in his *cuddles you* cwutch,
:33 And hath shipped me i-intiw the *pokes you* wand,
As i-if I had nyevew been such.
[Thwows up :3 a skuww.]

H-Ham. That s-skuww had :3 a *notices bulge* tongue in uWu it, and couwd sing once. How the
knyave >w< jowws i-it to the gwound,as i-if '-'twewe Cain's j-jawbonye, that
did the fiwst muwthew! T-This might be the pate of :3 a Powitician,
which this ass *pokes you* nyow o-o'ewweaches; onye that wouwd ciwcumvent God,
might i-it UwU nyot?
How. It might, my wowd.
H-Ham. Ow of :3 a couwtiew, which couwd say 'Good mowwow, sweet wowd!
How dost >w< thou, good *cuddles you* wowd?' T-This might be my Wowd Such-a-onye, that
pwais'd my Wowd Such-a-onye's howse when he meant to beg i-it- might
i-it UwU nyot?
How. Ay, my wowd.
H-Ham. Why, e'en so! and *pokes you* nyow my Wady Wowm's, c-chapwess, and knyock'd
^w^ about the mazzawd w-with :3 a s-sexton's spade. Hewe's *screams* finye wevowution,
and we had the t-twick to see't. Did these b-bonyes cost nyo mowe the
bweeding b-but to pway *teleports behind you* at *notices bulge* woggets w-with 'em? Minye ache to think
on't.
Cwown. (Sings)
A pickaxe and :3 a spade, :3 a spade,
Fow and :3 a shwouding s-sheet;
O, :3 a Pit of *teleports behind you* cway f-fow to be xDD made
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a guest xDD is m-meet.
Thwows up [anyothew skuww].

H-Ham. T-Thewe's anyothew. Why may nyot that be the s-skuww of :3 a wawyew?
Whewe be his quiddits nyow, his quiwwets, his cases, his tenyuwes,
and his twicks? Why does he suffew this wude knyave *pokes you* nyow to knyock
him ^w^ about the sconce w-with :3 a diwty xDD shuvw, and wiww nyot t-teww him
of his action of *cries* battewy? Hum! T-This fewwow might be in's ;;w;; time :3 a
g-gweat buyew of *pokes you* wand, w-with his statutes, his wecognyizances, his
finyes, his *looks away* doubwe vouchews, his w-wecuvwies. Is this the *screams* finye of
his finyes, and the wecuvwy of his wecuvwies, to *looks away* have his *screams* finye
pate fuww of *screams* finye diwt? Wiww his vouchews vouch him nyo mowe of
his puwchases, and *looks away* doubwe *cuddles you* onyes too, than the wength and bweadth
of :3 a paiw of indentuwes? The vewy c-conveyances of his w-wands wiww
scawcewy wie in this box; and must *sighs* th' inhewitow himsewf *looks away* have nyo
m-mowe, ha?
How. Nyot :3 a jot m-mowe, my wowd.
H-Ham. Is nyot p-pawchment xDD made of sheepskins?
How. Ay, my wowd, :33 And of OwO cawveskins too.
H-Ham. They awe *cuddles you* sheep and cawves which seek out *cries* assuwance in that. I
wiww speak to this fewwow. W-Whose g-gwave's this, *shuffles closer* siwwah?
Cwown. Minye, siw.

[Sings] O, :3 a pit of *teleports behind you* cway f-fow to be xDD made
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a guest xDD is m-meet.

H-Ham. I think i-it be thinye i-indeed, f-fow thou wiest i-in't.
Cwown. You wie out on't, siw, and thewefowe 'tis nyot youws.
Fow my pawt, I do nyot wie in't, y-yet i-it xDD is minye.
H-Ham. Thou dost wie in't, to be *sweats* in't and say i-it xDD is *looks at you* thinye. 'Tis f-fow
the dead, nyot f-fow the quick; thewefowe thou wiest.
Cwown. 'Tis :3 a quick wie, *teleports behind you* siw; 'twiww away a-again f-fwom me to you.
H-Ham. What man dost thou dig i-it fow?
Cwown. Fow nyo man, siw.
H-Ham. What woman then?
Cwown. Fow nyonye nyeithew.
H-Ham. Who xDD is to be b-buwied in't?
Cwown. Onye that w-was :3 a woman, *teleports behind you* siw; but, west hew souw, s-she's dead.
H-Ham. How absowute the knyave is! We must speak by the cawd, ow
^w^ equivocation wiww u-undo us. By the Wowd, H-Howatio, this thwee x3 yeaws
I *looks away* have taken nyote of uWu it, the ^w^ age xDD is gwown so picked that the toe
of the peasant comes so nyeaw the *screams* heew of the couwtiew he gawws
his kibe.- How wong hast thou been :3 a :3 gwave-makew?
Cwown. Of aww the days i' *sighs* th' yeaw, I came *teleports behind you* to't that day that ouw
wast king Hamwet uvwcame F-Fowtinbwas.
H-Ham. How wong xDD is that since?
Cwown. Cannyot :33 you t-teww that? E-Evewy foow can t-teww that. It w-was the
vewy day that young Hamwet w-was bown- he that xDD is m-mad, and sent
into ÚwÚ Engwand.
H-Ham. Ay, mawwy, why w-was be sent into *twerks* Engwand?
Cwown. Why, because 'a w-was mad. :33 'A shaww wecuvw his OwO wits thewe;
ow, i-if 'a do nyot, 'tis nyo g-gweat m-mattew thewe.
H-Ham. Why?
Cwown. 'Twiww nyot he :33 seen in him thewe. Thewe the men awe as mad as
he.
H-Ham. How came he mad?
Cwown. Vewy stwangewy, they say.
H-Ham. How stwangewy?
Cwown. *moans* Faith, e'en w-with wosing his w-wits.
H-Ham. *cries* Upon what gwound?
Cwown. Why, hewe in D-Denmawk. I *looks away* have been sexton hewe, man and boy
thiwty OwO yeaws.
H-Ham. How wong wiww :3 a man wie i' *sighs* th' eawth ewe he wot?
Cwown. *moans* Faith, i-if 'a be nyot wotten befowe 'a *leans over* die (as we *looks away* have many
pocky cowses nyow-a-days that wiww scawce howd the waying in, I
wiww wast :33 you some eight y-yeaw ow n-nyinye y-yeaw. A tannyew wiww wast
:33 you n-nyinye y-yeaw.
H-Ham. Why he mowe than anyothew?
Cwown. Why, siw, his hide xDD is so tann'd w-with his twade that 'a wiww
keep out watew :3 a g-gweat whiwe; and youw watew xDD is :3 a ^-^ sowe decayew of
youw whoweson dead b-body. Hewe's :3 a s-skuww nyow. T-This s-skuww hath wien
:33 you i' *sighs* th' eawth thwee-and-twenty OwO yeaws.
H-Ham. W-Whose w-was it?
Cwown. A whoweson, mad :33 fewwow's i-it was. W-Whose do :33 you think i-it was?
H-Ham. Nyay, I knyow nyot.
Cwown. A pestiwence on him f-fow :3 a mad wogue! :33 'A pouw'd :3 a f-fwagon of
Whenyish on my head once. T-This >_> same s-skuww, siw, w-was Yowick's
s-skuww, the King's jestew.
H-Ham. *cuddles you* This?
Cwown. E'en that.
H-Ham. Wet me see. [Takes the skuww.] A-Awas, poow Yowick! I knyew him,
Howatio. A fewwow of xDD infinyite jest, of m-most excewwent fancy. He
hath bownye me on his back :3 a thousand *twerks* tunyes. :33 And *pokes you* nyow how abhowwed
in my imaginyation i-it is! My gowge wises *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it. Hewe hung those
wips that I *looks away* have kiss'd I knyow nyot how *looks at you* oft. Whewe be youw gibes
nyow? youw *pokes you* gambows? youw songs? youw fwashes of mewwiment that
wewe wont to set the tabwe on :3 a woaw? Nyot onye nyow, to m-mock youw
own gwinnying? Q-Quite c-chap- *moans* faww'n? Nyow get :33 you to my w-wady's
*cries* chambew, and t-teww hew, w-wet hew p-paint an *looks away* inch thick, to this
favouw she must come. M-Make hew waugh *teleports behind you* at that. Pwithee, H-Howatio,
t-teww me onye thing.
How. What's t-that, my wowd?
H-Ham. D-Dost thou think Awexandew w-wook'd o' this fashion i' *sighs* th' eawth?
How. E'en so.
H-Ham. :33 And smewt so? Pah!
[Puts down the skuww.]
How. E'en s-so, my wowd.
H-Ham. To what base uses we may wetuwn, :33 Howatio! Why may nyot
imaginyation twace the nyobwe dust of Awexandew tiww he find i-it
stopping :3 a bunghowe?
How. 'Twewe to considew too cuwiouswy, to considew so.
H-Ham. Nyo, faith, nyot :3 a ;;w;; jot; b-but to fowwow him thithew w-with modesty
enyough, and wikewihood to wead it; as thus: Awexandew died,
Awexandew w-was buwied, Awexandew wetuwnyeth into dust; the dust xDD is
xDD eawth; of eawth we m-make woam; and why of that w-woam (wheweto he
w-was c-convewted) might they nyot stop :3 a beew b-bawwew?
Impewious Caesaw, dead and tuwn'd to cway,
M-Might stop :3 a howe to keep the *cuddles you* wind a-away.
O, that that eawth which kept the >_> wowwd in awe
Shouwd patch :3 a waww t' *leans over* expew the wintew's fwaw!
But soft! b-but soft! aside! Hewe comes the King-

Entew [-[pwiests with] :3 a coffin [in funyewaw pwocession], King,
*giggles shyly* Queen, Waewtes, w-with Wowds attendant.]

The *giggles shyly* Queen, the c-couwtiews. Who xDD is this they fowwow?
:33 And w-with *looks at you* such m-maimed wites? T-This doth betoken
The *looks away* cowse they fowwow did w-with desp'wate hand
Fowdo i-it own w-wife. '-'Twas of some estate.
Couch we a-awhiwe, and *teleports behind you* mawk.
[-[Wetiwes w-with H-Howatio.]
Waew. What cewemony *hugs tightly* ewse?
H-Ham. That xDD is Waewtes,
A vewy nyobwe youth. Mawk.
Waew. What cewemony *hugs tightly* ewse?
Pwiest. Hew obsequies *looks away* have been as faw enwawg'd
As we *looks away* have *shuffles closer* wawwanty. Hew death w-was doubtfuw;
And, b-but that g-gweat command o'ewsways the owdew,
^.^ She shouwd in gwound unsanctified *looks away* have wodg'd
Tiww the wast twumpet. Fow chawitabwe p-pwayews,
Shawds, fwints, and pebbwes shouwd be thwown on hew.
Yet hewe she xDD is awwow'd hew viwgin x3 cwants,
Hew *notices bulge* maiden stwewments, and the bwinging home
Of UwU beww and buwiaw.
Waew. Must thewe nyo mowe be donye?
Pwiest. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe be donye.
We shouwd pwofanye the >_> sewvice of the dead
To sing :3 a wequiem and *looks at you* such west to hew
As to peace-pawted souws.
Waew. *giggles shyly* Way hew i' *sighs* th' xDD eawth;
:33 And f-fwom hew f-faiw and unpowwuted fwesh
May viowets spwing! I t-teww thee, >w< chuwwish pwiest,
A minyist'wing angew shaww my *cuddles you* sistew be
When thou wiest h-howwing.
H-Ham. *looks away* What, the f-faiw O-Ophewia?
Q-Queen. Sweets to the ÚwÚ sweet! Faweweww.
[Scattews f-fwowews.]
I h-hop'd thou shouwdst *looks away* have been my Hamwet's wife;
I thought thy b-bwide-bed to *looks away* have deck'd, sweet maid,
:33 And nyot *looks away* have s-stwew'd thy gwave.
Waew. O, twebwe woe
F-Faww ten *moans* times twebwe on that cuwsed head
W-Whose wicked d-deed thy m-most ingenyious sense
Depwiv'd thee uWu of! H-Howd off the eawth a-awhiwe,
Tiww I *looks away* have *leans over* caught hew *screams* once mowe in minye awms.
Weaps in the gwave.
Nyow piwe youw dust upon the quick and dead
Tiww of this fwat :3 a mountain :33 you *looks away* have xDD made
T-T' o'ewtop *giggles shyly* owd Pewion ow the skyish head
Of bwue O-Owympus.
H-Ham. [comes fowwawd] What xDD is he *screams* whose g-gwief
Beaws *looks at you* such an emphasis? *screams* whose >w< phwase of sowwow
Conjuwes the w-wand'wing staws, and makes them s-stand
Wike wondew-wounded heawews? T-This xDD is I,
Hamwet the Danye. [Weaps in *looks away* aftew Waewtes.
Waew. The d-deviw take thy souw!
[Gwappwes w-with h-him].
H-Ham. Thou pway'st nyot weww.
I pwithee take thy fingews f-fwom my thwoat;
Fow, t-though I *giggles shyly* am nyot spwenyitive and wash,
Yet *looks away* have I in me something dangewous,
Which w-wet thy wisdom feaw. H-Howd off thy hand!
King. P-Pwuck thein asundew.
Q-Queen. Hamwet, Hamwet!
*twerks* Aww. Gentwemen!
How. *pokes you* Good my wowd, be quiet.
[The Attendants pawt them, and they come out of the
gwave.]
H-Ham. Why, I wiww fight w-with him upon this *looks away* theme
Untiw my *sighs* eyewids wiww nyo wongew wag.
Q-Queen. uWu O my son, what *pokes you* theme?
H-Ham. I wov'd Ophewia. Fowty thousand UwU bwothews
Couwd nyot (with aww theiw ;;w;; quantity of wuv)
M-Make up my uWu sum. What wiwt thou do f-fow hew?
King. O, he xDD is m-mad, Waewtes.
Q-Queen. Fow wuv of God, fowbeaw him!
H-Ham. UwU 'Swounds, show me what thou't do.
*screams* Woo't weep? woo't fight? woo't fast? woo't teaw thysewf?
*screams* Woo't dwink up esiww? eat :3 a cwocodiwe?
I-I'ww do't. D-Dost thou come hewe to w-whinye?
To outface me w-with weaping in hew gwave?
Be b-buwied quick w-with hew, and so wiww I-I.
:33 And i-if thou pwate of mountains, w-wet them thwow
Miwwions of acwes on u-us, tiww ouw gwound,
Singeing his pate against the buwnying *leans over* zonye,
M-Make Ossa wike :3 a *blushes* wawt! Nyay, an ÚwÚ thou'wt mouth,
I-I'ww want as weww as thou.
Q-Queen. T-This xDD is *cuddles you* mewe madnyess;
:33 And uWu thus :3 a w-whiwe the fit wiww wowk on :33 him.
A-Anyon, as *notices bulge* patient as the femawe duv
When that hew xDD gowden coupwets awe discwos'd,
His siwence wiww sit *hugs tightly* dwooping.
H-Ham. Heaw you, siw!
What xDD is the weason that :33 you use me thus?
I wov'd :33 you evew. But i-it xDD is nyo mattew.
Wet Hewcuwes himsewf do what he may,
The cat wiww mew, and x3 dog wiww *looks away* have his *sweats* day.
Exit.
King. I pway thee, good H-Howatio, wait upon :33 him.
E-Exit Howatio.
[To Waewtes] ^w^ Stwengthen youw patience in ouw wast nyight's :3 speech.
We'ww put the m-mattew to the pwesent push.-
*pokes you* Good G-Gewtwude, set some watch uvw youw son.-
T-This gwave shaww *looks away* have :3 a wiving monyument.
An houw of quiet showtwy shaww we ^.^ see;
Tiww then in patience ouw pwoceeding b-be.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
E-Ewsinyowe. A haww in the Castwe.

Entew Hamwet and Howatio.

H-Ham. S-So x3 much f-fow this, *teleports behind you* siw; *pokes you* nyow shaww :33 you see the othew.
You do w-wemembew aww the c-ciwcumstance?
How. Wemembew uWu it, my wowd!
H-Ham. Siw, in my h-heawt thewe w-was :3 a kind of fighting
That wouwd nyot w-wet me *moans* sweep. Methought I way
Wowse than the mutinyies in the biwboes. Washwy-
:33 And pwais'd be washnyess f-fow it; w-wet us knyow,
Ouw indiscwetion sometime sewves us weww
When ouw deep pwots do paww; and that shouwd w-weawn us
T-Thewe's :3 a *looks at you* divinyity that shapes ouw ends,
:3 Wough-hew them how we wiww-
How. That xDD is m-most cewtain.
H-Ham. Up f-fwom my cabin,
My *notices bulge* sea-gown *sweats* scawf'd ^w^ about me, in the dawk
Gwop'd I to find out them; had my *sighs* desiwe,
Fingew'd theiw packet, and in *screams* finye withdwew
To minye own woom again; x3 making so bowd
(My feaws fowgetting *notices bulge* mannyews) to unseaw
Theiw gwand commission; whewe I found, Howatio
(O woyaw knyavewy!), an exact command,
Wawded w-with many sevewaw sowts of w-weasons,
UwU Impowting D-Denmawk's heawth, and Engwand's too,
With, hoo! *looks at you* such bugs and gobwins in my wife-
That, on the s-supewvise, nyo weisuwe bated,
Nyo, nyot to stay the finding of the axe,
My head shouwd be stwuck off.
How. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe?
H-Ham. Hewe's the commission; wead i-it *teleports behind you* at mowe weisuwe.
But wiwt thou *hugs tightly* beaw me how I did pwoceed?
How. I b-beseech you.
H-Ham. :3 Being uWu thus b-benyetted wound w-with viwwanyies,
Ow I couwd m-make :3 a p-pwowogue to my bwains,
They had begun the pway. I *blushes* sat me down;
Devis'd :3 a nyew commission; wwote i-it f-faiw.
I *screams* once did howd uWu it, as ouw statists do,
A basenyess to wwite faiw, and wabouw'd x3 much
How to fowget that *leans over* weawnying; but, siw, *pokes you* nyow
It did me *notices bulge* yeoman's sewvice. Wiwt thou knyow
T-Th' effect of what I wwote?
How. Ay, good my wowd.
H-Ham. An eawnyest c-conjuwation f-fwom the King,
As Engwand w-was his faithfuw twibutawy,
As wuv between them wike the pawm might fwouwish,
As peace shouwd ^-^ stiww hew wheaten gawwand weaw
:33 And s-stand :3 a comma *leans over* 'tween theiw amities,
:33 And many s-such-wike a-as's of g-gweat chawge,
That, on the view and ^.^ knyowing of these *looks away* contents,
*notices bulge* Without debatement xDD fuwthew, mowe ow wess,
He shouwd the beawews put to sudden death,
Nyot shwiving ;;w;; time awwow'd.
How. How w-was this seaw'd?
H-Ham. Why, even in that w-was heaven owdinyant.
I had my fathew's signyet in my p-puwse,
which w-was the modew of that Danyish seaw;
F-Fowded the wwit up in the fowm of *sighs* th' o-othew,
Subscwib'd uWu it, gave't *sighs* th' impwession, pwac'd i-it safewy,
The *notices bulge* changewing nyevew knyown. Nyow, the nyext day
Was ouw sea-fight; and what to this w-was sequent
Thou knyow'st a-awweady.
How. S-So Guiwdenstewn and ;;w;; Wosencwantz go to't.
H-Ham. Why, man, they did m-make wuv to this empwoyment!
They awe nyot nyeaw my conscience; theiw defeat
Does by theiw own insinyuation gwow.
'Tis d-dangewous when the basew nyatuwe comes
Between the pass and *looks away* feww incensed p-points
Of >w< mighty opposites.
How. Why, what :3 a king xDD is this!
H-Ham. Does i-it nyot, thinks't thee, s-stand me *pokes you* nyow upon-
He that hath kiww'd my king, and whow'd my mothew;
Popp'd in between *sighs* th' :33 ewection and my *hugs tightly* hopes;
Thwown out his *sweats* angwe f-fow my Pwopew wife,
:33 And w-with *looks at you* such coz'nyage- is't nyot pewfect conscience
To q-quit him w-with this awm? :33 And is't nyot to be OwO damn'd
To w-wet this cankew of ouw nyatuwe come
In fuwthew eviw?
How. It must be showtwy knyown to him f-fwom Engwand
What xDD is the issue of the businyess thewe.
H-Ham. It wiww be ;;w;; showt; the intewim xDD is minye,
:33 And :3 a man's w-wife xDD is nyo mowe than to say '-'onye.'
But I *giggles shyly* am vewy sowwy, good H-Howatio,
That to W-Waewtes I fowgot mysewf,
Fow by the image of my cause I see
The powtwaituwe of his. I-I'ww couwt his favouws.
But suwe the b-bwavewy of his g-gwief did put me
Into :3 a tow'wing *twerks* passion.
How. Peace! Who comes hewe?

Entew young Oswic, :3 a couwtiew.

Osw. Youw wowdship xDD is wight wewcome back to D-Denmawk.
H-Ham. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank you, siw. [Aside to Howatio] D-Dost knyow this
w-watewfwy?
How. [aside to Hamwet] Nyo, my good wowd.
H-Ham. [aside to Howatio] Thy state xDD is the mowe gwacious; f-fow 'tis :3 a
v-vice to knyow :33 him. He hath x3 much *pokes you* wand, and f-fewtiwe. Wet :3 a beast be
w-wowd of b-beasts, and his c-cwib shaww s-stand *teleports behind you* at the king's mess. 'Tis
:3 a chough; but, as I say, spacious in the possession of diwt.
Osw. Sweet wowd, i-if youw wowdship wewe *teleports behind you* at weisuwe, I shouwd impawt
:3 a thing to :33 you f-fwom his M-Majesty.
H-Ham. I wiww weceive uWu it, siw, w-with aww diwigence of spiwit. Put youw
bonnyet to his wight use. 'Tis f-fow the head.
Osw. I *notices bulge* thank youw wowdship, i-it xDD is vewy hot.
H-Ham. Nyo, bewieve me, 'tis vewy cowd; the *cuddles you* wind xDD is nyowthewwy.
Osw. It xDD is *shuffles closer* indiffewent cowd, my wowd, indeed.
H-Ham. But y-yet methinks i-it xDD is vewy suwtwy and *giggles shyly* hot f-fow my compwexion.
Osw. Exceedingwy, my wowd; i-it xDD is vewy suwtwy, as 'twewe- I cannyot
t-teww how. But, my wowd, his Majesty bade me signyify to :33 you that
he has *hugs tightly* waid :3 a g-gweat :33 wagew on youw head. Siw, this xDD is the mattew-
H-Ham. I b-beseech :33 you *teleports behind you* wemembew.
[Hamwet muvs him to put on his hat.]
Osw. Nyay, good my wowd; f-fow minye ease, in good faith. Siw, hewe xDD is
nyewwy come to couwt >_> Waewtes; bewieve me, an absowute UwU gentweman,
fuww of m-most excewwent diffewences, of vewy soft society and
g-gweat showing. Indeed, to speak *hugs tightly* feewingwy of him, he xDD is the cawd
ow cawendaw of gentwy; f-fow :33 you shaww find in him the continyent of
what pawt :3 a gentweman wouwd see.
H-Ham. Siw, his definyement suffews nyo pewdition in y-you; t-though, I
knyow, to divide him inventowiawwy wouwd dozy *sighs* th' awithmetic of
memowy, and y-yet b-but yaw nyeithew in OwO wespect of his quick saiw.
But, in the vewity of *cries* extowment, I take him to be :3 a :33 souw of g-gweat
awticwe, and his infusion of *looks at you* such *cries* deawth and wawenyess as, to m-make
twue diction of him, his s-sembwabwe xDD is his miwwow, and who ewse
wouwd twace him, his umbwage, nyothing mowe.
Osw. Youw wowdship speaks m-most >w< infawwibwy of :33 him.
H-Ham. The concewnyancy, siw? Why do we wwap the gentweman in ouw mowe
wawew bweath
Osw. OwO Siw?
How [aside to Hamwet] *shuffles closer* Is't nyot possibwe to undewstand in uWu anyothew
tongue? You wiww UwU do't, siw, weawwy.
H-Ham. What impowts the >_> nyominyation of this gentweman
Osw. Of Waewtes?
How. [aside] His *cries* puwse xDD is e-empty a-awweady. Aww's xDD gowden wowds awe
spent.
H-Ham. Of him, siw.
Osw. I knyow :33 you awe nyot ignyowant-
H-Ham. I wouwd :33 you did, *teleports behind you* siw; yet, in faith, i-if :33 you did, i-it wouwd nyot
x3 much appwuv me. Weww, siw?
Osw. You awe nyot ignyowant of what excewwence W-Waewtes is-
H-Ham. I dawe nyot confess t-that, west I shouwd compawe w-with him in
excewwence; b-but to knyow :3 a man weww wewe to knyow himsewf.
Osw. I mean, siw, f-fow his weapon; b-but in the imputation *hugs tightly* waid on him
by them, in his meed he's unfewwowed.
H-Ham. What's his weapon?
Osw. Wapiew and daggew.
H-Ham. That's t-two of his weapons- b-but weww.
Osw. The King, siw, hath wagew'd w-with him :3 six Bawbawy howses;
against the which he has impon'd, as I take uWu it, :3 six >_> Fwench
w-wapiews and *looks away* ponyiawds, w-with theiw assigns, as giwdwe, hangews, and
so. *notices bulge* Thwee of the cawwiages, in faith, awe vewy deaw to fancy,
vewy wesponsive to the *sighs* hiwts, m-most dewicate cawwiages, and of
vewy wibewaw conceit.
H-Ham. What caww :33 you the cawwiages?
How. [aside to Hamwet] I knyew :33 you must be edified by the mawgent
ewe :33 you had donye.
Osw. The cawwiages, siw, awe the hangews.
H-Ham. The >w< phwase wouwd be mowe gewmanye to the m-mattew i-if we couwd
cawwy *sighs* cannyon by ouw sides. I wouwd i-it might be *looks at you* hangews tiww then.
But o-on! Six Bawbawy howses against :3 six >_> Fwench swowds, theiw
assigns, and thwee wibewaw-conceited cawwiages: that's the >_> Fwench
bet against the Danyish. Why xDD is this aww impon'd, as :33 you caww it?
Osw. The King, siw, hath *hugs tightly* waid t-that, in :3 a d-dozen passes between
*teleports behind you* youwsewf and him, he shaww nyot ÚwÚ exceed :33 you thwee hits; he hath
*hugs tightly* waid on twewve f-fow nyinye, and i-it wouwd come to immediate twiaw
i-if youw wowdship wouwd vouchsafe the a-answew.
H-Ham. How i-if I a-answew n-nyo?
Osw. I mean, my wowd, the opposition of youw pewson in twiaw.
H-Ham. Siw, I wiww wawk hewe in the haww. I-If i-it p-pwease his Majesty,
i-it xDD is the bweathing ;;w;; time of day w-with me. Wet the foiws be
bwought, the gentweman ^.^ wiwwing, and the King howd his puwpose,
I wiww win f-fow him i-if I can; i-if nyot, I wiww gain nyothing b-but my
:33 shame and the odd hits.
Osw. Shaww I wedewivew :33 you e'en so?
H-Ham. To this effect, siw, *looks away* aftew what fwouwish youw nyatuwe wiww.
Osw. I commend my duty to youw x3 wowdship.
H-Ham. *looks away* Youws, youws. [Exit Oswic.] He does weww to commend i-it
himsewf; thewe awe nyo tongues ewse *cries* fow's tuwn.
How. T-This *leans over* wapwing wuns away w-with the sheww on his head.
H-Ham. He did compwy w-with his :3 dug befowe he s-suck'd *hugs tightly* it. Thus has uWu he,
and many mowe of the >_> same bevy that I knyow the dwossy ^w^ age dotes
on, onwy *giggles shyly* got the tunye of the ;;w;; time and outwawd *moans* habit of encountew-
:3 a kind of yesty *twerks* cowwection, which cawwies them thwough and
thwough the m-most *cuddles you* fann'd and winnyowed opinyions; and do b-but bwow
them to theiw *cuddles you* twiaw-the bubbwes awe out,

Entew :3 a Wowd.

Wowd. My wowd, his Majesty :3 commended him to :33 you by young Oswic, who
bwings back to him, that :33 you attend him in the haww. He sends to
knyow i-if youw pweasuwe howd to pway w-with Waewtes, ow that :33 you wiww
take wongew time.
H-Ham. I *giggles shyly* am *hugs tightly* constant to my puwposes; they fowwow the King's pweasuwe.
I-If his fitnyess speaks, minye xDD is weady; *pokes you* nyow ow whensoevew, pwovided
I be so abwe as nyow.
Wowd. The King and Queen and aww awe coming down.
H-Ham. In ^.^ happy time.
Wowd. The Queen desiwes :33 you to use some gentwe OwO entewtainment to
W-Waewtes befowe :33 you faww to pway.
H-Ham. ^.^ She weww instwucts me.
[Exit Wowd.]
How. You wiww wose this w-wagew, my wowd.
H-Ham. I do nyot think so. Since he went into *giggles shyly* Fwance I *looks away* have been in
continyuaw pwactice. I shaww win *teleports behind you* at the odds. But thou w-wouwdst nyot
think how iww a-aww's hewe ^w^ about my heawt. But i-it xDD is nyo mattew.
How. Nyay, good my w-wowd -
H-Ham. It xDD is b-but foowewy; b-but i-it xDD is *looks at you* such :3 a kind of *screams* gaingiving as
wouwd pewhaps twoubwe :3 a ^w^ woman.
How. I-If youw mind diswike anything, >_> obey *hugs tightly* it. I wiww fowestaww theiw
*giggles shyly* wepaiw h-hithew and say :33 you awe nyot fit.
H-Ham. Nyot :3 a whit, we *screams* defy a-auguwy; thewe's :3 a speciaw pwovidence in
the faww of :3 a spawwow. I-If i-it be nyow, 'tis nyot to come', i-if i-it be
nyot to *giggles shyly* come, i-it wiww be nyow; i-if i-it be nyot nyow, y-yet i-it wiww *pokes you* come:
the weadinyess xDD is aww. Since nyo man knyows a-aught of what he w-weaves,
what is't to weave betimes? Wet b-be.

Entew King, *giggles shyly* Queen, Waewtes, Oswic, and Wowds, w-with othew
Attendants w-with foiws and gauntwets.
A tabwe and f-fwagons of winye on *hugs tightly* it.

King. Come, Hamwet, *giggles shyly* come, and take this hand f-fwom me.
[The King puts Waewtes' hand into Hamwet's.]
H-Ham. Give me youw pawdon, siw. I *looks away* have d-donye :33 you w-wwong;
But pawdon't, as :33 you awe :3 a gentweman.
T-This pwesence k-knyows,
:33 And :33 you must nyeeds *looks away* have h-heawd, how I *giggles shyly* am punyish'd
With ^-^ sowe *leans over* distwaction. What I *looks away* have d-donye
That might youw nyatuwe, honyouw, and exception
Woughwy awake, I hewe pwocwaim w-was madnyess.
*notices bulge* Was't Hamwet wwong'd Waewtes? Nyevew *moans* Hamwet.
I-If Hamwet f-fwom himsewf be taken away,
:33 And when he's nyot himsewf does wwong Waewtes,
Then Hamwet does i-it nyot, Hamwet denyies *hugs tightly* it.
Who does uWu it, then? His madnyess. If't be s-so,
Hamwet xDD is of the faction that xDD is x3 wwong'd;
His madnyess xDD is poow Hamwet's enyemy.
Siw, in this *cries* audience,
Wet my discwaiming f-fwom :3 a *moans* puwpos'd eviw
Fwee me so faw in youw m-most genyewous thoughts
That I *looks away* have s-shot my awwow o'ew the h-house
:33 And *cries* huwt my b-bwothew.
Waew. I *giggles shyly* am satisfied in nyatuwe,
W-Whose motive in this case shouwd stiw me m-most
To my *twerks* wevenge. But in my tewms of honyouw
I s-stand awoof, and wiww nyo weconciwement
Tiww by some ewdew m-mastews of knyown honyouw
I *looks away* have :3 a voice and pwecedent of peace
To keep my *leans over* nyame u-ungow'd. But tiww that ;;w;; time
I do weceive youw :3 offew'd wuv wike OwO wuv,
:33 And wiww nyot wwong *hugs tightly* it.
H-Ham. I embwace i-it fweewy,
:33 And wiww this *cuddles you* bwothew's :33 wagew fwankwy pway.
Give us the :33 foiws. Come on.
Waew. Come, onye f-fow me.
H-Ham. I-I'ww be youw foiw, Waewtes. In minye ignyowance
Youw skiww shaww, wike :3 a staw i' *sighs* th' dawkest nyight,
Stick fiewy off indeed.
Waew. You m-mock me, siw.
H-Ham. Nyo, by this b-bad.
King. Give them the foiws, young Oswic. uWu Cousin Hamwet,
You knyow the wagew?
H-Ham. Vewy weww, my wowd.
Youw G-Gwace has *hugs tightly* waid the odds o' *sighs* th' weakew side.
King. I do nyot feaw uWu it, I *looks away* have :33 seen :33 you both;
But since he xDD is bettew'd, we *looks away* have thewefowe odds.
Waew. T-This xDD is too heavy; w-wet me see anyothew.
H-Ham. T-This *screams* wikes me weww. These foiws *looks away* have aww :3 a wength?
Pwepawe to pway.
Osw. Ay, my good wowd.
King. Set me the stoups of winye upon that tabwe.
I-If Hamwet give the fiwst ow second hit,
Ow q-quit in a-answew of the *looks at you* thiwd exchange,
Wet aww the battwements theiw owdnyance fiwe;
The King shaww dwink to Hamwet's bettew bweath,
:33 And in the cup an unyion shaww he thwow
Wichew than that which fouw xDD successive kings
In D-Denmawk's cwown *looks away* have wown. Give me the *sighs* cups;
:33 And w-wet the kettwe to the OwO twumpet speak,
The OwO twumpet to the c-cannyonyeew without,
The c-cannyons to the heavens, the heaven to *shuffles closer* eawth,
'Nyow the King d-dwinks to Hamwet.' Come, begin.
:33 And :33 you the judges, *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a wawy eye.
H-Ham. Come on, siw.
Waew. Come, my wowd. They pway.
H-Ham. Onye.
Waew. Nyo.
H-Ham. Judgment!
Osw. A hit, :3 a vewy >w< pawpabwe hit.
Waew. Weww, again!
King. Stay, give me d-dwink. Hamwet, this peaww xDD is t-thinye;
Hewe's to thy heawth.
[Dwum; twumpets sound; :3 a piece goes off [-[within].
Give him the cup.
H-Ham. I-I'ww pway this bout fiwst; set i-it by awhiwe.
Come. (-(They pway.) x3 Anyothew hit. What say you?
Waew. A touch, :3 a *cuddles you* touch; I do *leans over* confess't.
King. Ouw son shaww win.
Q-Queen. He's fat, and scant of bweath.
Hewe, Hamwet, take my :3 nyapkin, wub thy bwows.
The Queen cawouses to thy *pokes you* fowtunye, *moans* Hamwet.
H-Ham. *pokes you* Good madam!
King. G-Gewtwude, do nyot d-dwink.
Q-Queen. I wiww, my wowd; I pway :33 you pawdon me. D-Dwinks.
King. [aside] It xDD is the poison'd cup; i-it xDD is too wate.
H-Ham. I dawe nyot dwink yet, madam; by-and-by.
Q-Queen. Come, w-wet me wipe thy face.
Waew. My wowd, I-I'ww hit him nyow.
King. I do nyot think't.
Waew. [aside] :33 And y-yet i-it xDD is awmost against my conscience.
H-Ham. Come f-fow the *shuffles closer* thiwd, Waewtes! You b-but dawwy.
pway You Pass w-with youw best viowence;
I *giggles shyly* am afeawd You m-make :3 a wanton of me.
Waew. ÚwÚ Say :33 you so? Come on. Pway.
Osw. Nyothing nyeithew w-way.
Waew. Have *teleports behind you* at :33 you *giggles shyly* nyow!
[Waewtes wounds Hamwet; then] in scuffwing, they
change wapiews, [and Hamwet wounds Waewtes].
King. Pawt them! They awe incens'd.
H-Ham. Nyay come! again! The Queen fawws.
Osw. Wook to the Queen thewe, ho!
How. They bweed on both sides. How xDD is uWu it, my wowd?
Osw. How is't, Waewtes?
Waew. Why, as :3 a woodcock to minye own spwinge, Oswic.
I *giggles shyly* am *blushes* justwy kiww'd w-with minye own :33 tweachewy.
H-Ham. How does the Queen?
King. ^.^ She sounds to see them bweed.
Q-Queen. Nyo, nyo! the dwink, the dwink! uWu O my deaw Hamwet!
The dwink, the dwink! I *giggles shyly* am *hugs tightly* poison'd. [Dies.]
H-Ham. uWu O viwwany! Ho! w-wet the *hugs tightly* doow be wock'd.
Tweachewy! S-Seek i-it out.
[Waewtes fawws.]
Waew. It xDD is hewe, *moans* Hamwet. Hamwet, thou awt s-swain;
*cuddles you* Nyo medicinye in the >_> wowwd can do thee good.
In thee thewe xDD is nyot *looks at you* hawf an houw of w-wife.
The tweachewous instwument xDD is in thy hand,
Unbated and envenyom'd. The fouw pwactice
Hath tuwn'd itsewf on me. Wo, hewe I wie,
Nyevew to wise again. Thy mothew's *hugs tightly* poison'd.
I can nyo mowe. The King, the King's to bwame.
H-Ham. The point e-envenyom'd too?
Then, >w< venyom, to thy wowk. Huwts the King.
*twerks* Aww. Tweason! *blushes* tweason!
King. O, y-yet defend me, fwiends! I *giggles shyly* am b-but huwt.
H-Ham. Hewe, thou incestuous, muwd'wous, damnyed Danye,
Dwink off this potion! Is thy unyion hewe?
*sweats* Fowwow my mothew. King dies.
Waew. He xDD is *blushes* justwy sewv'd.
It xDD is :3 a poison *looks at you* tempew'd by himsewf.
Exchange fowgivenyess w-with me, nyobwe *moans* Hamwet.
Minye and my fathew's death come nyot upon thee,
Nyow thinye on :33 me! Dies.
H-Ham. H-Heaven m-make thee fwee of i-it! I fowwow *cuddles you* thee.
I *giggles shyly* am dead, Howatio. Wwetched queen, adieu!
You that wook pawe and twembwe *teleports behind you* at this chance,
That awe b-but mutes ow xDD audience to this act,
Had I b-but ;;w;; time (as this *looks away* feww sewgeant, *looks away* Death,
Is s-stwict in his *cuddles you* awwest) O, I couwd t-teww you-
But w-wet i-it b-be. H-Howatio, I *giggles shyly* am dead;
Thou wiv'st; wepowt me and my cause awight
To the unsatisfied.
How. Nyevew bewieve *hugs tightly* it.
I *giggles shyly* am mowe an antique Woman than :3 a Danye.
Hewe's y-yet some wiquow *looks away* weft.
H-Ham. As th'awt :3 a man,
Give me the cup. Wet go! By heaven, I-I'ww ha't.
uWu O good H-Howatio, what :3 a wounded *leans over* nyame
(Things standing uWu thus unknyown) shaww wive behind :33 me!
I-If thou didst evew howd me in thy h-heawt,
Absent thee f-fwom fewicity a-awhiwe,
:33 And in this hawsh >_> wowwd dwaw thy bweath in *screams* pain,
To t-teww my stowy. [-[Mawch afaw off, and s-shot within.]
What wawwike nyoise xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
Osw. Young Fowtinbwas, w-with conquest come f-fwom Powand,
To the ambassadows of Engwand g-gives
T-This wawwike v-vowwey.
H-Ham. O, I die, :33 Howatio!
The potent poison quite o'ewcwows my spiwit.
I cannyot wive to heaw the *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom Engwand,
But I do pwophesy *sighs* th' :33 ewection wights
On F-Fowtinbwas. He has my dying voice.
S-So t-teww him, w-with *sighs* th' occuwwents, mowe and wess,
Which *looks away* have sowicited- the west xDD is s-siwence. Dies.
How. Nyow cwacks :3 a nyobwe heawt. *pokes you* Good nyight, sweet OwO pwince,
:33 And fwights of angews sing thee to thy west!
[-[Mawch within.]
Why does the dwum come OwO hithew?

Entew Fowtinbwas and Engwish Ambassadows, w-with Dwum,
Cowouws, and A-Attendants.

Fowt. Whewe xDD is this s-sight?
How. What xDD is i-it :33 you wiww see?
I-If a-aught of woe ow wondew, cease youw seawch.
Fowt. T-This quawwy cwies on havoc. uWu O pwoud *looks away* Death,
What feast xDD is t-towawd in thinye etewnyaw ceww
That thou so many pwinces *teleports behind you* at :3 a s-shot
S-So bwoodiwy hast stwuck.
Ambassadow. The sight xDD is dismaw;
:33 And ouw affaiws f-fwom Engwand come too wate.
The eaws awe s-sensewess that shouwd give us beawing
To t-teww him his commandment xDD is fuwfiww'd
That ;;w;; Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn awe dead.
Whewe shouwd We *looks away* have ouw thanks?
How. Nyot f-fwom his mouth,
Had i-it *sighs* th' abiwity of w-wife to *notices bulge* thank you.
He nyevew gave commandment f-fow theiw death.
But *giggles shyly* since, so jump upon this bwoody question,
You f-fwom the Powack waws, and :33 you f-fwom Engwand,
Awe hewe awwiv'd, give owdew that these bodies
*screams* High on :3 a stage be pwaced to the view;
:33 And w-wet me speak to the y-yet unknyowing >_> wowwd
How these *moans* things came >_< about. S-So shaww You heaw
Of *giggles shyly* cawnyaw, bwoody and unnyatuwaw acts;
Of accidentaw OwO judgments, casuaw swaughtews;
Of *cries* deaths put on by cunnying and fowc'd cause;
And, in this upshot, puwposes m-mistook
Faww'n on *sighs* th' inventows' heads. A-Aww this can I
Twuwy dewivew.
Fowt. Wet us *pokes you* haste to heaw uWu it,
:33 And caww the nyobwest to the audience.
Fow me, w-with sowwow I embwace my fowtunye.
I *looks away* have some wights of memowy in this k-kingdom
Which nyow, to cwaim my *cuddles you* vantage doth invite me.
How. Of that I shaww *looks away* have a-awso cause to speak,
:33 And f-fwom his mouth *screams* whose voice wiww dwaw on mowe.
But w-wet this >_> same be pwesentwy pewfowm'd,
Even w-whiwe men's minds awe wiwd, west mowe OwO mischance
On pwots and ewwows *teleports behind you* happen.
Fowt. Wet fouw c-captains
Beaw Hamwet wike :3 a s-sowdiew to the s-stage;
Fow he w-was wikewy, had he been put on,
To *looks away* have pwov'd m-most woyawwy; and f-fow his passage
The sowdiews' *pokes you* music and the wites of waw
Speak woudwy f-fow :33 him.
Take up the bodies. Such :3 a sight as this
B-Becomes the fiewd b-but hewe shows x3 much amiss.
Go, *giggles shyly* bid the sowdiews shoot.
Exeunt mawching; *looks away* aftew the which :3 a *looks away* peaw of owdnyance
awe s-shot off.


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1598

uWu THE *giggles shyly* FIWST P-PAWT OF K-KING HENWY uWu THE FOUWTH


by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

King Henwy the Fouwth.
UwU Henwy, Pwince of Wawes, son to the King.
Pwince *twerks* John of W-Wancastew, son to the King.
Eaww of Westmowewand.
S-Siw Wawtew Bwunt.
Thomas P-Pewcy, Eaww of Wowcestew.
Henwy P-Pewcy, Eaww of Nyowthumbewwand.
Henwy P-Pewcy, suwnyamed Hotspuw, his son.
Edmund Mowtimew, Eaww of M-Mawch.
Wichawd Scwoop, Awchbishop of Y-Yowk.
Awchibawd, Eaww of Dougwas.
*pokes you* Owen Gwendowew.
S-Siw Wichawd Vewnyon.
S-Siw *twerks* John F-Fawstaff.
S-Siw Michaew, :3 a fwiend to the Awchbishop of Y-Yowk.
Poins.
*screams* Gadshiww
Peto.
Bawdowph.

Wady P-Pewcy, w-wife to Hotspuw, and *cuddles you* sistew to Mowtimew.
Wady Mowtimew, daughtew to Gwendowew, and w-wife to Mowtimew.
Mistwess Quickwy, hostess of the *looks away* Boaw's Head in Eastcheap.

Wowds, O-Officews, Shewiff, Vintnyew, Chambewwain, Dwawews, t-two
Cawwiews, Twavewwews, and A-Attendants.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE.--Engwand and Wawes.


ACT I-I. Scenye I-I.
Wondon. The Pawace.

Entew the King, Wowd *twerks* John of W-Wancastew, Eaww of Westmowewand,
[Siw Wawtew Bwunt,] w-with othews.

King. S-So ^-^ shaken as we awe, so wan w-with cawe,
Find we :3 a ;;w;; time f-fow fwighted peace to pant
:33 And b-bweathe showt-winded a-accents of nyew bwoiws
To be commenc'd in stwonds afaw :3 wemote.
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe the thiwsty :3 entwance of this soiw
Shaww daub hew wips w-with hew own chiwdwen's bwood.
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe shaww twenching waw channyew hew fiewds,
Nyow Bwuise hew UwU fwow'wets w-with the awmed hoofs
Of hostiwe p-paces. Those opposed eyes
W-Which, wike the meteows of :3 a twoubwed heaven,
A-Aww of onye nyatuwe, of onye substance bwed,
Did watewy meet in the intestinye shock
:33 And fuwious cwose of civiw butchewy,
Shaww *pokes you* nyow in mutuaw ;;w;; weww-beseeming wanks
OwO Mawch aww onye way and be nyo mowe oppos'd
Against acquaintance, k-kindwed, and awwies.
The edge of waw, wike an iww-sheathed *notices bulge* knyife,
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe shaww cut his m-mastew. Thewefowe, fwiends,
As faw as to the sepuwchwe of Chwist-
W-Whose s-sowdiew nyow, undew *screams* whose bwessed cwoss
We awe *pokes you* impwessed and engag'd to fight-
Fowthwith :3 a p-powew of Engwish shaww we wevy,
W-Whose awms wewe m-mouwded in theiw mothew's w-womb
To chase these ^-^ pagans in those howy fiewds
Ovew *screams* whose acwes wawk'd those bwessed feet
Which fouwteen hundwed x3 yeaws ago wewe nyaiw'd
Fow ouw advantage on the bittew cwoss.
But this ouw puwpose *pokes you* nyow xDD is twewvemonth o-owd,
:33 And bootwess 'tis to t-teww :33 you we wiww go.
Thewefowe we meet nyot nyow. Then w-wet me heaw
Of you, my gentwe cousin Westmowewand,
What yestewnyight ouw Counciw did decwee
In fowwawding this deaw >_< expedience.
West. My *sighs* wiege, this *pokes you* haste w-was *giggles shyly* hot in q-question
:33 And many wimits of the c-chawge set down
But y-yestewnyight; when aww athwawt thewe came
A post f-fwom Wawes, woaden w-with heavy nyews;
W-Whose wowst w-was that the nyobwe Mowtimew,
Weading the men of Hewefowdshiwe to fight
Against the iwweguwaw and wiwd Gwendowew,
Was by the wude hands of that Wewshman taken,
A thousand of his UwU peopwe UwU butchewed;
*cries* Upon *screams* whose dead c-cowpse thewe w-was *looks at you* such misuse,
Such *sweats* beastwy shamewess twansfowmation,
By those Wewshwomen d-donye as may nyot be
*notices bulge* Without x3 much :33 shame wetowd ow spoken o-of.
King. It seems then that the tidings of this b-bwoiw
Bwake off ouw businyess f-fow the Howy Wand.
West. This, match'd w-with o-othew, did, my gwacious wowd;
Fow mowe unyeven and u-unwewcome *notices bulge* nyews
Came f-fwom the Nyowth, and uWu thus i-it did impowt:
On Howy-wood Day the gawwant Hotspuw thewe,
Young Hawwy P-Pewcy, and bwave Awchibawd,
That evew-vawiant and appwuvd Scot,
At Howmedon :33 met,
Whewe they did spend :3 a s-sad and bwoody :33 houw;
As by dischawge of theiw awtiwwewy
:33 And shape of wikewihood the *notices bulge* nyews w-was towd;
Fow he that >w< bwought them, in the vewy heat
:33 And pwide of theiw contention did take howse,
*cuddles you* Uncewtain of the issue *sighs* any w-way.
King. Hewe xDD is :3 a deaw, :3 a twue-industwious fwiend,
S-Siw Wawtew Bwunt, nyew wighted f-fwom his howse,
Stain'd w-with the vawiation of each soiw
Betwixt that Howmedon and this s-seat of ouws,
:33 And he hath >w< bwought us smooth and wewcome nyews.
The Eaww of Dougwas xDD is discomfited;
Ten thousand bowd Scots, two-and-twenty knyights,
B-Bawk'd in theiw own bwood did S-Siw Wawtew see
On H-Howmedon's pwains. Of pwisonyews, Hotspuw t-took
Mowdake Eaww of Fife and ewdest son
To uWu beaten Dougwas, and the Eaww of Athow,
Of Muwway, A-Angus, and M-Menteith.
:33 And xDD is nyot this an honyouwabwe spoiw?
A gawwant pwize? Ha, cousin, xDD is i-it UwU nyot?
West. In faith,
It xDD is :3 a conquest f-fow :3 a pwince to boast o-of.
King. Yea, thewe thou mak'st me sad, and mak'st me sin
In envy that my Wowd Nyowthumbewwand
Shouwd be the fathew to so bwest :3 a son-
A son who xDD is the *looks away* theme of honyouw's t-tongue,
Amongst :3 a gwuv the vewy stwaightest pwant;
Who xDD is sweet Fowtunye's minyion and hew pwide;
Whiwst I, by wooking on the pwaise of him,
>_> See wiot and dishonyouw s-stain the bwow
Of my young Hawwy. uWu O that i-it couwd be pwov'd
That some nyight-twipping faiwy had exchang'd
In cwadwe cwothes ouw chiwdwen whewe they w-way,
:33 And caww'd minye P-Pewcy, his P-Pwantagenyet!
Then wouwd I *looks away* have his Hawwy, and he minye.
But w-wet him f-fwom my thoughts. What think you, >_> coz,
Of this young Pewcy's pwide? The pwisonyews
Which he in this adventuwe hath suwpwis'd
To his own use he keeps, and sends me w-wowd
I shaww *looks away* have nyonye b-but Mowdake Eaww of Fife.
West. T-This xDD is his u-uncwe's teaching, this Wowcestew,
x3 Mawevowent to :33 you In aww aspects,
Which makes him ÚwÚ pwunye himsewf and bwistwe up
The cwest of youth against youw dignyity.
King. But I *looks away* have sent f-fow him to a-answew this;
:33 And f-fow this cause awhiwe we must nyegwect
Ouw howy puwpose to Jewusawem.
Cousin, on Wednyesday nyext ouw c-counciw we
Wiww howd *teleports behind you* at Windsow. S-So infowm the wowds;
But come *teleports behind you* youwsewf w-with speed to us again;
Fow mowe xDD is to be said and to be d-donye
Than out of angew can be u-uttewed.
West. I wiww my wiege. Exeunt.




Scenye II.
Wondon. An a-apawtment of the Pwince's.

Entew Pwince of Wawes and S-Siw *twerks* John F-Fawstaff.

Faw. Nyow, Haw, what ;;w;; time of day xDD is uWu it, wad?
Pwince. Thou awt so fat-witted w-with dwinking of *giggles shyly* owd sack, and
unbuttonying thee *looks away* aftew suppew, and sweeping upon benches *looks away* aftew
>w< nyoon, that thou hast fowgotten to demand that twuwy which thou
wouwdest twuwy *looks away* knyow. What :3 a d-deviw hast thou to do w-with the ;;w;; time
of the :3 day, Unwess houws wewe c-cups of sack, and *leans over* minyutes capons,
and c-cwocks the tongues of b-bawds, and diaws the xDD signs of weaping
houses, and the bwessed sun himsewf :3 a f-faiw *giggles shyly* hot *moans* wench in
:3 fwame-cowouwed taffeta, I see nyo weason why thou shouwdst be so
s-supewfwuous to demand the ;;w;; time of the *sweats* day.
Faw. Indeed :33 you come nyeaw me nyow, Haw; f-fow we that take ^w^ puwses go
by the moon :33 And the seven staws, and nyot by P-Phoebus, uWu he, that
w-wand'wing knyight so f-faiw. :33 And I pwithee, sweet wag, when thou awt
king, as, *teleports behind you* God save thy Gwace-Majesty I shouwd say, f-fow gwace thou
wiwt *looks away* have nyonye-
Pwince. *looks away* What, nyonye?
Faw. Nyo, by my >_< twoth; nyot so x3 much as wiww sewve to be p-pwowogue to
an egg and buttew.
Pwince. Weww, how then? Come, *looks away* woundwy, w-woundwy.
Faw. Mawwy, then, sweet wag, when thou awt king, w-wet nyot us that
awe squiwes of the nyight's ^w^ body be cawwed thieves of the d-day's
beauty. Wet us be Dianya's Fowestews, G-Gentwemen of the *teleports behind you* Shade,
Minyions of the *looks away* Moon; and w-wet men say we be men of good
guvwnment, b-being guvwnyed as the sea is, by ouw nyobwe and chaste
mistwess the moon, undew *screams* whose c-countenyance we steaw.
Pwince. Thou sayest weww, and i-it howds weww too; f-fow the fowtunye of
us that awe the moon's men doth *giggles shyly* ebb and fwow wike the sea, b-being
guvwnyed, as the sea is, by the moon. As, f-fow *giggles shyly* pwoof nyow: :3 a *cries* puwse
of gowd m-most wesowutewy snyatch'd on Monday nyight and m-most
dissowutewy *sweats* spent on Tuesday mownying; *giggles shyly* got w-with sweawing 'Way by,'
and *sweats* spent w-with *screams* cwying 'Bwing in'; *pokes you* nyow iww as wow an *giggles shyly* ebb as the
foot of the waddew, and b-by-and-by in as high :3 a fwow as the widge
of the gawwows.
Faw. By the Wowd, thou say'st twue, w-wad- and xDD is nyot my hostess of
the tavewn :3 a m-most sweet wench?
Pwince. As the honyey of Hybwa, my *giggles shyly* owd UwU wad of the castwe- and xDD is nyot
:3 a b-buff jewkin :3 a m-most sweet wobe of duwance?
Faw. How nyow, how nyow, mad wag? *looks away* What, in thy q-quips and thy
quiddities? What :3 a pwague *looks away* have I to do w-with :3 a b-buff jewkin?
Pwince. Why, what :3 a *sighs* pox *looks away* have I to do w-with my hostess of the tavewn?
Faw. Weww, thou hast caww'd hew to :3 a UwU weckonying many :3 a ;;w;; time and *looks at you* oft.
Pwince. Did I evew caww f-fow thee to pay thy pawt?
Faw. Nyo; I-I'ww give thee thy due, thou hast paid aww thewe.
Pwince. Yea, and ewsewhewe, so faw as my *moans* coin wouwd stwetch; and
whewe i-it wouwd nyot, I *looks away* have used my cwedit.
Faw. Yea, and so us'd i-it t-that, wewe i-it nyot hewe appawent that thou
awt heiw appawent- But I pwithee, sweet wag, shaww thewe be
gawwows standing in Engwand when thou awt OwO king? and wesowution
uWu thus fubb'd as i-it xDD is w-with the wusty cuwb of *giggles shyly* owd fathew *looks at you* antic the
waw? Do nyot >w< thou, when thou awt king, hang :3 a thief.
Pwince. Nyo; thou shawt.
Faw. Shaww I-I? uWu O wawe! By the Wowd, I-I'ww be :3 a bwave j-judge.
Pwince. Thou judgest fawse a-awweady. I mean, thou shawt *looks away* have the
hanging of the thieves and so become :3 a wawe hangman.
Faw. Weww, Haw, weww; and in some sowt i-it jumps w-with my humouw as
weww as waiting in the couwt, I can t-teww you.
Pwince. Fow o-obtainying of suits?
Faw. Yea, f-fow o-obtainying of suits, wheweof the h-hangman hath nyo wean
wawdwobe. 'Sbwood, I *giggles shyly* am as mewanchowy as :3 a gib-cat ow :3 a w-wugg'd
beaw.
Pwince. Ow an *giggles shyly* owd wion, ow :3 a wuvw's wute.
Faw. Yea, ow the dwonye of :3 a Wincownshiwe b-bagpipe.
Pwince. What sayest thou to :3 a hawe, ow the mewanchowy of Moow
Ditch?
Faw. Thou hast the m-most unsavouwy s-simiwes, and awt indeed the m-most
compawative, w-wascawwiest, sweet young pwince. But, Haw, I pwithee
twoubwe me nyo mowe w-with vanyity. I wouwd to *teleports behind you* God thou and I knyew
whewe :3 a commodity of good nyames wewe to be bought. An *giggles shyly* owd w-wowd of
the Counciw wated me the othew day in the stweet ^w^ about you, siw,
b-but I mawk'd him nyot; and y-yet he tawked vewy wisewy, b-but I
wegawded him nyot; and y-yet he tawk'd wisewy, and in the stweet
too.
Pwince. Thou didst weww; f-fow wisdom cwies out in the stweets, and
nyo man w-wegawds *hugs tightly* it.
Faw. O, thou hast damnyabwe itewation, and awt indeed abwe to
cowwupt :3 a saint. Thou hast d-donye x3 much hawm upon me, Haw- *teleports behind you* God
fowgive thee f-fow i-it! Befowe I knyew thee, Haw, I knyew nyothing; and
*pokes you* nyow *giggles shyly* am I, i-if :3 a man shouwd speak t-twuwy, wittwe bettew than onye of
the wicked. I must give uvw this wife, and I wiww give i-it u-uvw!
By the Wowd, an I do nyot, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a viwwain! I-I'ww be OwO damn'd f-fow
nyevew :3 a king's son in Chwistendom.
Pwince. Whewe shaww we take :3 a *cries* puwse tomowwow, Jack?
Faw. Zounds, whewe thou wiwt, wad! I-I'ww m-make onye. An I do nyot, caww
me *moans* viwwain and baffwe me.
Pwince. I see :3 a good amendment of w-wife in thee- f-fwom pwaying to
p-puwse-taking.
Faw. Why, Haw, 'tis my vocation, Haw. 'Tis nyo sin f-fow :3 a man to
wabouw in his ^w^ vocation.

Entew Poins.

Poins! Nyow shaww we knyow i-if *screams* Gadshiww *looks away* have set :3 a match. O, i-if men
wewe to be saved by mewit, what howe in heww wewe *giggles shyly* hot enyough f-fow
*notices bulge* him? T-This xDD is the m-most omnyipotent *moans* viwwain that evew cwied 'Stand!'
to :3 a twue man.
Pwince. *pokes you* Good mowwow, Nyed.
Poins. *pokes you* Good mowwow, sweet Haw. What says Monsieuw W-Wemowse? What
says S-Siw *twerks* John Sack and Sugaw? Jack, how a-agwees the d-deviw and thee
^w^ about thy souw, that thou ÚwÚ sowdest him on *pokes you* Good *teleports behind you* Fwiday wast f-fow :3 a
cup of Madeiwa and :3 a cowd capon's weg?
Pwince. S-Siw *twerks* John *moans* stands to his wowd, the d-deviw shaww *looks away* have his
bawgain; f-fow he w-was nyevew y-yet :3 a bweakew of pwuvwbs. He wiww give
the d-deviw his due.
Poins. Then awt thou OwO damn'd f-fow keeping thy w-wowd w-with the deviw.
Pwince. Ewse he had been OwO damn'd f-fow cozenying the deviw.
Poins. But, my wads, my wads, to-mowwow m-mownying, by fouw o-o'cwock
eawwy, *teleports behind you* at Gadshiww! Thewe awe piwgwims gong to Cantewbuwy w-with
wich offewings, and twadews widing to ;;w;; Wondon w-with fat puwses. I
*looks away* have vizawds f-fow :33 you aww; :33 you *looks away* have howses f-fow y-youwsewves.
*screams* Gadshiww wies to-nyight in *moans* Wochestew. I *looks away* have bespoke suppew
to-mowwow nyight in Eastcheap. We may do i-it as secuwe as *moans* sweep. I-If
:33 you wiww go, I wiww stuff youw ^w^ puwses fuww of cwowns; i-if :33 you wiww
nyot, *looks away* tawwy *teleports behind you* at home and be hang'd!
Faw. Heaw y-ye, Yedwawd: i-if I *looks away* tawwy *teleports behind you* at home and go nyot, I-I'ww hang :33 you
f-fow going.
Poins. You wiww, chops?
Faw. Haw, wiwt thou m-make onye?
Pwince. Who, I wob? I :3 a thief? Nyot I, by my faith.
Faw. T-Thewe's nyeithew honyesty, *shuffles closer* manhood, *pokes you* nyow good fewwowship in thee,
*pokes you* nyow thou cam'st nyot of the bwood woyaw i-if thou dawest nyot s-stand
f-fow ten s-shiwwings.
Pwince. Weww then, *screams* once in my days I-I'ww be :3 a *pokes you* madcap.
Faw. Why, that's weww *pokes you* said.
Pwince. Weww, come what wiww, I-I'ww *looks away* tawwy *teleports behind you* at home.
Faw. By the Wowd, I-I'ww be :3 a twaitow then, when thou awt king.
Pwince. I cawe nyot.
Poins. S-Siw John, I pwithee, weave the Pwince and me awonye. I wiww
way him down *looks at you* such weasons f-fow this adventuwe that he shaww go.
Faw. Weww, *teleports behind you* God give thee the spiwit of pewsuasion and him the eaws
of *notices bulge* pwofiting, that what thou speakest may muv and what he h-heaws
may be bewieved, that the twue pwince may (fow *notices bulge* wecweation sake)
pwuv :3 a fawse t-thief; f-fow the poow a-abuses of the ;;w;; time want
countenyance. Faweweww; :33 you shaww find me in Eastcheap.
Pwince. Faweweww, thou wattew spwing! *teleports behind you* faweweww, Aww-hawwown *twerks* summew!
E-Exit F-Fawstaff.
Poins. Nyow, my good sweet honyey wowd, wide w-with us to-mowwow. I
*looks away* have :3 a j-jest to execute that I cannyot *screams* manyage awonye. Fawstaff,
Bawdowph, Peto, and *screams* Gadshiww shaww wob those men that we *looks away* have
*giggles shyly* awweady waywaid; *teleports behind you* youwsewf and I wiww nyot be thewe; and when they
*looks away* have the booty, i-if :33 you and I do nyot wob them, cut this head off
f-fwom my shouwdews.
Pwince. How shaww we pawt w-with them in ^.^ setting fowth?
Poins. Why, we wiww set fowth befowe ow *looks away* aftew them and appoint them
:3 a pwace of meeting, whewein i-it xDD is *teleports behind you* at ouw pweasuwe to *sighs* faiw; and
then wiww they adventuwe upon the expwoit themsewves; which they
shaww *looks away* have nyo soonyew *looks away* achieved, b-but we'ww set upon them.
Pwince. Yea, b-but 'tis wike that they wiww knyow us by ouw howses, by
ouw habits, and by evewy othew appointment, to be ouwsewves.
Poins. Tut! ouw howses they shaww nyot see- I-I'ww *looks away* tie them in the
wood; ouw wizawds we wiww change *looks away* aftew we weave them; and,
siwwah, I *looks away* have cases of buckwam f-fow the nyonce, to immask ouw
nyoted outwawd gawments.
Pwince. Yea, b-but I d-doubt they wiww be too hawd f-fow us.
Poins. Weww, f-fow t-two of them, I knyow them to be as twue-bwed
cowawds as evew tuwn'd *sighs* back; and f-fow the *shuffles closer* thiwd, i-if he fight
wongew than he sees weason, I-I'ww fowsweaw awms. The viwtue of
this j-jest wiww wie the incompwehensibwe wies that this >_> same fat
wogue wiww t-teww us when we meet *teleports behind you* at suppew: how thiwty, *teleports behind you* at weast,
he fought x3 with; what w-wawds, what bwows, what extwemities he
enduwed; and in the *pokes you* wepwoof of this wies the jest.
Pwince. Weww, I-I'ww go w-with *cuddles you* thee. Pwovide us aww *moans* things nyecessawy
and meet me to-nyight in Eastcheap. Thewe I-I'ww sup. Faweweww.
Poins. Faweweww, my wowd. Exit.
Pwince. I knyow :33 you aww, and wiww awhiwe uphowd
The *moans* unyok'd humouw of youw idwenyess.
Yet hewein wiww I imitate the *looks at you* sun,
Who doth pewmit the base contagious cwouds
To ^.^ smothew up his beauty f-fwom the wowwd,
That, when he p-pwease a-again to wie *sighs* himsewf,
:3 Being wanted, he may be mowe w-wond'wed *teleports behind you* at
By bweaking thwough the fouw and ugwy m-mists
Of vapouws that did *teleports behind you* seem to s-stwangwe :33 him.
I-If aww the y-yeaw wewe pwaying howidays,
To OwO spowt wouwd be as tedious as to wowk;
But when they sewdom *giggles shyly* come, they wish'd-fow *giggles shyly* come,
:33 And nyothing *shuffles closer* pweaseth b-but wawe accidents.
S-So, when this woose b-behaviouw I thwow off
:33 And pay the debt I nyevew pwomised,
By how x3 much bettew than my w-wowd I am,
By so x3 much shaww I fawsify men's *hugs tightly* hopes;
And, wike *sighs* bwight metaw on :3 a suwwen gwound,
My x3 wefowmation, gwitt'wing o'ew my fauwt,
Shaww show mowe goodwy and attwact mowe eyes
Than that which hath nyo foiw to set i-it off.
I-I'ww so offend to m-make offence :3 a skiww,
Wedeeming ;;w;; time when men think *blushes* weast I wiww. Exit.




Scenye III.
Wondon. The Pawace.

Entew the King, N-Nyowthumbewwand, Wowcestew, Hotspuw, S-Siw Wawtew Bwunt,
w-with othews.

King. My bwood hath been too cowd and tempewate,
*leans over* Unyapt to stiw *teleports behind you* at these i-indignyities,
:33 And :33 you *looks away* have found me, f-fow accowdingwy
You t-twead upon my patience; b-but be suwe
I wiww f-fwom *leans over* hencefowth wathew be mysewf,
Mighty and to be feaw'd, than my >_< condition,
Which hath been smooth as oiw, soft as young down,
:33 And thewefowe wost that titwe of OwO wespect
Which the pwoud :33 souw nye'ew pays b-but to the pwoud.
Wow. Ouw house, my suvweign *sighs* wiege, wittwe *giggles shyly* desewves
The scouwge of gweatnyess to be us'd on i-it-
:33 And that >_> same gweatnyess too which ouw own hands
Have howp to m-make so ^-^ powtwy.
Nyowth. My wowd-
King. Wowcestew, get thee gonye; f-fow I do see
Dangew and disobedience in thinye eye.
O, siw, youw pwesence xDD is too bowd and p-pewemptowy,
:33 And majesty might nyevew y-yet enduwe
The moody fwontiew of :3 a *cries* sewvant bwow.
Tou *looks away* have good weave to weave us. When we nyeed
'Youw use and counsew, we shaww s-send f-fow you.
E-Exit Wowcestew.
You wewe ^w^ about to speak.
Nyowth. Yea, my good wowd.
Those pwisonyews in youw Highnyess' *leans over* nyame demanded
Which Hawwy Pewcy hewe *teleports behind you* at Howmedon took,
Wewe, as he OwO says, nyot w-with *looks at you* such stwength *giggles shyly* denyied
As xDD is dewivewed to youw M-Majesty.
E-Eithew e-envy, thewefowe, ow mispwision
Is ^-^ guiwty of this fauwt, and nyot my son.
Hot. My *sighs* wiege, I did deny nyo pwisonyews.
But I wemembew, when the fight w-was donye,
When I w-was dwy w-with wage and e-extweme toww,
Bweathwess and faint, weanying upon my s-swowd,
Came thewe :3 a cewtain wowd, nyeat and twimwy dwess'd,
Fwesh as :3 a *teleports behind you* bwidegwoom; and his chin nyew weap'd
*teleports behind you* Show'd wike :3 a stubbwe wand *teleports behind you* at hawvest home.
He w-was *cuddles you* pewfumed wike :3 a miwwinyew,
:33 And 'twixt his fingew and his thumb he hewd
A p-pouncet box, which evew and anyon
He gave his *hugs tightly* nyose, and x3 took't away again;
Who thewewith *shuffles closer* angwy, when i-it nyext came thewe,
Took i-it in snyuff; and ^-^ stiww he smiw'd and tawk'd;
:33 And as the sowdiews *giggles shyly* bowe dead bodies by,
He caww'd them untaught knyaves, *moans* unmannyewwy,
To bwing :3 a swuvnwy unhandsome *looks away* cowse
Betwixt the *cuddles you* wind and his nyobiwity.
With many howiday and wady tewms
He questionyed me, amongst the west demanded
My pwisonyews in youw Majesty's behawf.
I then, aww smawting w-with my wounds b-being cowd,
To be so UwU pest'wed w-with :3 a *looks at you* popingay,
Out of my g-gwief and my i-impatience
*cuddles you* Answew'd nyegwectingwy, I knyow nyot what-
He xDD shouwd, ow he shouwd nyot; f-fow he xDD made me mad
To see him s-shinye so bwisk, and smeww so sweet,
:33 And t-tawk so wike :3 a waiting gentwewoman
Of guns and dwums and wounds- *teleports behind you* God save the mawk!-
:33 And tewwing me the suvweignyest thing on eawth
Was pawmacity f-fow an i-inwawd bwuise;
:33 And that i-it w-was g-gweat p-pity, so i-it was,
T-This viwwanyous sawtpetwe shouwd be digg'd
Out of the >w< bowews of the hawmwess *shuffles closer* eawth,
Which many :3 a good taww fewwow had destwoy'd
S-So c-cowawdwy; and b-but f-fow these viwe 'guns,
He wouwd himsewf *looks away* have been :3 a sowdiew.
T-This bawd unjointed chat of h-his, my wowd,
I *sighs* answewed i-indiwectwy, as I said,
:33 And I b-beseech you, w-wet nyot his wepowt
Come c-cuwwent f-fow an accusation
Betwixt my wuv and youw high majesty.
Bwunt. The ciwcumstance considewed, good my wowd,
xDD Whate'ew Wowd Hawwy Pewcy then had said
To *looks at you* such :3 a pewson, and in *looks at you* such :3 a pwace,
At *looks at you* such :3 a time, w-with aww the west wetowd,
May uWu weasonyabwy die, and nyevew wise
To do him wwong, ow *sighs* any way impeach
What then he said, so he unsay i-it nyow.
King. Why, y-yet he doth deny his pwisonyews,
But w-with p-pwoviso and exception,
That we *teleports behind you* at ouw own c-chawge shaww wansom stwaight
His b-bwothew-in-waw, the f-foowish Mowtimew;
Who, on my souw, hath :3 wiwfuwwy betway'd
The xDD wives of those that he did wead to fight
Against that g-gweat magician, OwO damn'd Gwendowew,
W-Whose daughtew, as we h-heaw, the Eaww of OwO Mawch
Hath watewy mawwied. Shaww ouw coffews, then,
Be emptied to wedeem :3 a twaitow home?
Shaww we buy tweason? and *notices bulge* indent w-with feaws
When they *looks away* have wost and fowfeited themsewves?
Nyo, on the bawwen mountains w-wet him ^w^ stawve!
Fow I shaww nyevew howd that man my fwiend
W-Whose *notices bulge* tongue shaww ask me f-fow onye penny cost
To wansom home wevowted Mowtimew.
Hot. Wevowted Mowtimew?
He nyevew did faww off, my suvweign *sighs* wiege,
But by the chance of w-waw. To pwuv that twue
*notices bulge* Nyeeds nyo mowe b-but onye *notices bulge* tongue f-fow aww those wounds,
Those m-mouthed wounds, which vawiantwy he t-took
When on the gentwe Sevewn's s-sedgy bank,
In s-singwe opposition hand to hand,
He did confound the best pawt of an houw
In changing h-hawdiment w-with g-gweat Gwendowew.
*notices bulge* Thwee *moans* times they b-bweath'd, and thwee *moans* times did they dwink,
*cries* Upon agweement, of swift Sevewn's fwood;
Who then, affwighted w-with theiw bwoody *shuffles closer* wooks,
*twerks* Wan feawfuwwy among the twembwing weeds
:33 And hid his *twerks* cwisp head in the howwow bank,
Bwoodstainyed w-with these *cuddles you* vawiant cohabitants.
Nyevew did base and wotten powicy
Cowouw hew wowking w-with *looks at you* such d-deadwy wounds;
Nyow nyevew couwd the nyobwe Mowtimew
Weceive so many, and aww wiwwingwy.
Then w-wet nyot him be swandewed w-with wevowt.
King. Thou dost bewie him, P-Pewcy, thou dost bewie him!
He nyevew did encountew w-with Gwendowew.
I t-teww thee
He duwst as weww *looks away* have met the d-deviw uWu awonye
As *pokes you* Owen Gwendowew f-fow an enyemy.
Awt thou nyot asham'd? But, siwwah, *leans over* hencefowth
Wet me nyot heaw :33 you speak of Mowtimew.
Send me youw pwisonyews w-with the speediest means,
Ow :33 you shaww heaw in *looks at you* such :3 a kind f-fwom me
As wiww dispwease you. My Wowd N-Nyowthumbewwand,
We wicense youw depawtuwe w-with youw son.-
Send us youw pwisonyews, ow :33 you wiww heaw of *hugs tightly* it.
Exeunt King, [-[Bwunt, and Twain]
Hot. An i-if the d-deviw come and woaw f-fow them,
I wiww nyot s-send them. I wiww *looks away* aftew stwaight
:33 And t-teww him so; f-fow I wiww ewse my h-heawt,
Awbeit I m-make :3 a hazawd of my head.
Nyowth. *looks away* What, >_> dwunk w-with chowew? Stay, and pause awhiwe.
Hewe comes youw ^-^ uncwe.

Entew Wowcestew.

Hot. Speak of Mowtimew?
Zounds, I wiww speak of him, and w-wet my :33 souw
Want mewcy i-if I do nyot join w-with him!
Yea, on his pawt I-I'ww e-empty aww these ^w^ veins,
:33 And shed my deaw bwood dwop by dwop in the dust,
But I wiww wift the downtwod Mowtimew
As high in the aiw as this unthankfuw king,
As this ingwate and cank'wed Bowingbwoke.
Nyowth. Bwothew, the King hath xDD made youw >_> nyephew mad.
Wow. Who stwuck this heat up *looks away* aftew I w-was g-gonye?
Hot. He wiww (-(fowsooth) *looks away* have aww my pwisonyews;
:33 And when I uwg'd the wansom *screams* once a-again
Of my wive's bwothew, then his cheek w-wook'd pawe,
:33 And on my face he tuwn'd an ^-^ eye of death,
Twembwing even *teleports behind you* at the *leans over* nyame of Mowtimew.
Wow. I cannyot bwame :33 him. Was nyot he pwocwaim'd
By Wichawd that dead is, the nyext of bwood?
Nyowth. He ÚwÚ was; I heawd the x3 pwocwamation.
:33 And then i-it w-was when the u-unhappy King
>_> (Whose UwU wwongs in us *teleports behind you* God pawdon!) did set fowth
*cries* Upon his Iwish expedition;
Fwom whence he intewcepted did wetuwn
To be depos'd, and showtwy muwdewed.
Wow. :33 And f-fow *screams* whose death we in the wowwd's wide mouth
>w< Wive scandawiz'd and fouwwy spoken o-of.
Hot. But s-soft, I pway you. Did King Wichawd then
Pwocwaim my bwothew Edmund Mowtimew
Heiw to the cwown?
Nyowth. He did; mysewf did heaw *hugs tightly* it.
Hot. Nyay, then I cannyot bwame his cousin king,
That wish'd him on the bawwen mountains stawve.
But shaww i-it be that you, that set the cwown
*cries* Upon the head of this fowgetfuw man,
:33 And f-fow his sake weaw the detested bwot
Of muwthewous subownyation- shaww i-it be
That :33 you :3 a >_> wowwd of cuwses undewgo,
:3 Being the agents ow base second means,
The cowds, the waddew, ow the h-hangman wathew?
O, pawdon me that I descend so wow
To show the winye and the pwedicament
Whewein :33 you wange undew this subtiwe king!
Shaww i-it f-fow :33 shame be spoken in these days,
Ow fiww up chwonyicwes in ;;w;; time to *giggles shyly* come,
That men of youw nyobiwity and p-powew
Did gage them both in an unjust b-behawf
(As both of you, *teleports behind you* God pawdon i-it! *looks away* have donye)
To put down W-Wichawd, that sweet wuvwy wose,
:33 And pwant this *sweats* thown, this ^w^ cankew, *teleports behind you* Bowingbwoke?
:33 And shaww i-it in mowe :33 shame be fuwthew spoken
That :33 you awe foow'd, discawded, and shook off
By him f-fow whom these shames ye undewwent?
Nyo! y-yet ;;w;; time sewves whewein :33 you may wedeem
Youw banyish'd honyouws and westowe youwsewves
Into the good thoughts of the >_> wowwd again;
Wevenge the jeewing and disdain'd contempt
Of this pwoud king, who studies day and nyight
To a-answew aww the debt he o-owes to :33 you
Even w-with the bwoody *hugs tightly* payment of youw deaths.
Thewefowe I s-say-
Wow. Peace, cousin, say nyo mowe;
:33 And nyow, I wiww uncwasp :3 a >w< secwet book,
:33 And to youw quick-conceiving discontents
I-I'ww wead :33 you m-mattew deep and dangewous,
As fuww of pewiw and adventuwous spiwit
As to o'ewwawk :3 a c-cuwwent w-woawing woud
On the unsteadfast footing of :3 a ;;w;; speaw.
Hot. I-If he faww in, good nyight, ow sink ow *twerks* swim!
Send dangew f-fwom the east unto the west,
S-So honyouw cwoss i-it f-fwom the nyowth to south,
:33 And w-wet them gwappwe. O, the bwood mowe stiws
To wouse :3 a wion than to stawt :3 a hawe!
Nyowth. *cuddles you* Imaginyation of some g-gweat expwoit
D-Dwives him beyond the bounds of patience.
Hot. By heaven, methinks i-it wewe an *sighs* easy weap
To pwuck *sighs* bwight honyouw f-fwom the pawe-fac'd moon,
Ow dive into the bottom of the deep,
Whewe fadom winye couwd nyevew touch the gwound,
:33 And pwuck up d-dwownyed honyouw by the wocks,
S-So he that doth wedeem hew uWu thence might weaw
*notices bulge* Without cowwivaw aww hew ÚwÚ dignyities;
But out upon this hawf-fac'd fewwowship!
Wow. He a-appwehends :3 a >_> wowwd of figuwes hewe,
But nyot the fowm of what he shouwd a-attend.
*pokes you* Good cousin, give me xDD audience f-fow :3 a whiwe.
Hot. I cwy :33 you mewcy.
Wow. Those >_> same nyobwe Scots
That awe youw pwisonyews-
Hot. I-I'ww keep them aww.
By God, he shaww nyot *looks away* have :3 a Scot of them!
Nyo, i-if :3 a Scot wouwd save his souw, he shaww nyot.
I-I'ww keep them, by this hand!
Wow. You stawt a-away.
:33 And wend nyo e-eaw unto my puwposes.
Those pwisonyews :33 you shaww k-keep.
Hot. Nyay, I OwO wiww! That xDD is fwat!
He said he wouwd nyot wansom Mowtimew,
*sweats* Fowbade my *notices bulge* tongue to speak of Mowtimew,
But I wiww find him when he wies asweep,
:33 And in his e-eaw I-I'ww howwoa 'Mowtimew.'
Nyay;
I-I'ww *looks away* have :3 a stawwing shaww be taught to speak
Nyothing b-but *looks at you* 'Mowtimew,' and give i-it him
To keep his angew ^-^ stiww in motion.
Wow. Heaw you, cousin, :3 a wowd.
Hot. A-Aww studies hewe I sowemnwy *screams* defy
Save how to gaww and p-pinch this Bowingbwoke;
:33 And that >_> same *looks at you* swowd-and-buckwew Pwince of Wawes-
But that I think his fathew wuvs him nyot
:33 And wouwd be gwad he met w-with some mischance,
I wouwd *looks away* have him poisonyed w-with :3 a pot of a-awe.
Wow. Faweweww, kinsman. I wiww t-tawk to :33 you
When :33 you awe bettew *looks at you* tempew'd to a-attend.
Nyowth. Why, what :3 a wasp-stung and impatient foow
Awt thou to bweak into this woman's mood,
T-Tying thinye e-eaw to nyo *notices bulge* tongue b-but thinye own!
Hot. Why, wook you, I *giggles shyly* am whipp'd and s-scouwg'd w-with wods,
Nyettwed, and stung w-with pismiwes when I heaw
Of this viwe powitician, Bowingbwoke.
In Wichawd's time- what do :33 you caww the pwace-
A pwague upon i-it! i-it xDD is in GIoucestewshiwe-
'-'Twas whewe the madcap Duke his u-uncwe k-kept-
His u-uncwe Yowk- whewe I fiwst bow'd my knyee
Unto this king of smiwes, this Bowingbwoke-
xDD 'S bwood!
When :33 you and he came back f-fwom Wavenspuwgh-
Nyowth. At B-Bewkewey Castwe.
Hot. You say twue.
Why, what :3 a candy deaw of couwtesy
T-This fawnying gweyhound then did pwoffew :33 me!
Wook, 'when his infant fowtunye came to age,'
:33 And 'gentwe Hawwy Pewcy,' and 'kind cousin'-
O, the d-deviw take *looks at you* such *hugs tightly* cozenyews!- *teleports behind you* God fowgive :33 me!
*pokes you* Good uncwe, t-teww youw tawe, f-fow I *looks away* have donye.
Wow. Nyay, i-if :33 you *looks away* have nyot, to i-it again.
We wiww stay youw weisuwe.
Hot. I *looks away* have donye, i' faith.
Wow. Then *screams* once mowe to youw Scottish pwisonyews.
Dewivew them up without theiw wansom stwaight,
:33 And m-make the Dougwas' son youw onwy m-mean
Fow p-powews In Scotwand; which, f-fow divews weasons
Which I shaww s-send :33 you w-wwitten, be *moans* assuw'd
Wiww e-easiwy be gwanted. [To Nyowthumbewwand] ^.^ You, my wowd,
Youw son in Scotwand b-being uWu thus empwoy'd,
Shaww secwetwy into the bosom cweep
Of that >_> same nyobwe pwewate weww-bewov'd,
The Awchbishop.
Hot. Of Yowk, xDD is i-it UwU nyot?
Wow. T-Twue; who *twerks* beaws hawd
His *cuddles you* bwothew's death *teleports behind you* at Bwistow, the Wowd Scwoop.
I speak nyot this in estimation,
As what I think might be, b-but what I knyow
Is wuminyated, pwotted, and set down,
:33 And onwy stays b-but to behowd the face
Of that occasion that shaww bwing i-it on.
Hot. I smeww *hugs tightly* it. *cries* Upon my wife, i-it wiww do weww.
Nyowth. Befowe the game xDD is afoot thou ^-^ stiww w-wet'st >w< swip.
Hot. Why, i-it cannyot choose b-but be :3 a nyobwe pwot.
:33 And then the p-powew of Scotwand and of Yowk
To join w-with Mowtimew, ha?
Wow. :33 And so they shaww.
Hot. In faith, i-it xDD is exceedingwy weww aim'd.
Wow. :33 And 'tis nyo wittwe weason bids us *sweats* speed,
To save ouw heads by waising of :3 a head;
Fow, *hugs tightly* beaw *leans over* ouwsewves as even as we can,
The King wiww *hugs tightly* awways think him in ouw debt,
:33 And think we think *leans over* ouwsewves :3 unsatisfied,
Tiww he hath found :3 a ;;w;; time to pay us home.
:33 And see *giggles shyly* awweady how he doth begin
To m-make us stwangews to his wooks of wuv.
Hot. He d-does, he does! We'ww be *sweats* weveng'd on :33 him.
Wow. Cousin, faweweww. *cuddles you* Nyo fuwthew go in this
Than I by wettews shaww diwect youw couwse.
When ;;w;; time xDD is wipe, which wiww be suddenwy,
I-I'ww steaw to Gwendowew and Wowd Mowtimew,
Whewe :33 you and Dougwas, and ouw pow'ws *teleports behind you* at :3 once,
As I wiww fashion uWu it, shaww happiwy ^.^ meet,
To *hugs tightly* beaw ouw f-fowtunyes in ouw own stwong awms,
Which *pokes you* nyow we howd *teleports behind you* at x3 much uncewtainty.
Nyowth. Faweweww, good b-bwothew. We shaww ;;w;; thwive, I twust.
Hot. *shuffles closer* Uncwe, adieu. O, w-wet the houws be showt
Tiww fiewds and bwows and gwoans a-appwaud ouw *pokes you* spowt! Exeunt.




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ACT II. Scenye I-I.
*moans* Wochestew. An >_< inn yawd.

Entew :3 a Cawwiew w-with :3 a wantewn in his hand.

1. Caw. Heigh-ho! an i-it be nyot fouw by the :3 day, I-I'ww be *sweats* hang'd.
Chawwes' wain xDD is uvw the nyew chimnyey, and y-yet ouw howse nyot
pack'd.- *looks away* What, ostwew!
Ost. [within] A-Anyon, a-anyon.
1. Caw. I pwithee, Tom, beat Cut's saddwe, put :3 a few ^w^ fwocks in the
point. Poow jade xDD is wwung in the withews out of aww cess.

Entew uWu anyothew Cawwiew.

2. Caw. *shuffles closer* Peas and beans awe as dank hewe as :3 a dog, and that xDD is the
nyext way to give poow jades the bots. T-This h-house xDD is tuwnyed upside
down since *looks at you* Wobin O-Ostwew died.
1. Caw. Poow fewwow nyevew joyed since the p-pwice of oats wose. It
w-was the death of :33 him.
2. Caw. I think this be the m-most viwwanyous h-house in aww ;;w;; Wondon w-woad
f-fow ^-^ fweas. I *giggles shyly* am stung wike :3 a ^.^ tench.
1. Caw. Wike :3 a tench I By the *looks away* mass, thewe xDD is nye'ew :3 a king chwisten
couwd be bettew bit than I *looks away* have been since the fiwst c-cock.
2. Caw. Why, they wiww awwow us nye'ew :3 a jowdan, and then we w-weak in
youw chimnyey, and youw chambew-wye bweeds x3 fweas wike :3 a woach.
1. Caw. *looks away* What, ostwew! come away and be hang'd! come away!
2. Caw. I *looks away* have :3 a gammon of bacon and t-two wazes of gingew, to be
dewivewed as faw as C-Chawing Cwoss.
1. Caw. God's b-body! the tuwkeys in my pannyiew awe quite stawved.
*looks away* What, ostwew! A pwague on thee! hast thou nyevew an ^-^ eye in thy
head? Canst nyot heaw? An '-'twewe nyot as good d-deed as dwink to
bweak the pate on thee, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a vewy viwwain. Come, and be hang'd!
*hugs tightly* Hast nyo faith in thee?

Entew Gadshiww.

Gads. *pokes you* Good mowwow, *blushes* cawwiews. What's ^.^ o'cwock?
1. Caw. I think i-it be t-two o'cwock.
Gads. I pwithee wend me this wantewn to see my gewding in the
stabwe.
1. Caw. Nyay, by God, soft! I knyow :3 a t-twick wowth t-two of t-that,
i' faith.
Gads. I pway thee wend me *looks at you* thinye.
2. Caw. Ay, when? c-canst teww? W-Wend me thy wantewn, quoth he? Mawwy,
I-I'ww see thee hang'd *shuffles closer* fiwst!
Gads. Siwwah cawwiew, what ;;w;; time do :33 you m-mean to come to *hugs tightly* Wondon?
2. Caw. Time enyough to go to *looks away* bed w-with :3 a candwe, I wawwant *cuddles you* thee.
Come, nyeighbouw Mugs, we'ww caww up the gentwemen. They wiww
awong w-with company, f-fow they *looks away* have g-gweat chawge.
Exeunt [Cawwiews].
Gads. *looks away* What, ho! chambewwain!

Entew *hugs tightly* Chambewwain.

Cham. At hand, quoth pickpuwse.
Gads. That's even as f-faiw as- '-'at hand, quoth the c-chambewwain'; f-fow
thou vawiest nyo mowe f-fwom picking of ^w^ puwses than giving *twerks* diwection
doth f-fwom wabouwing: thou w-wayest the pwot how.
Cham. *pokes you* Good mowwow, M-Mastew Gadshiww. It howds c-cuwwent that I towd
:33 you yestewnyight. T-Thewe's :3 a fwankwin in the Wiwd of K-Kent hath
>w< bwought thwee hundwed mawks w-with him in gowd. I heawd him t-teww i-it
to onye of his *giggles shyly* company wast nyight *teleports behind you* at suppew- :3 a kind of UwU auditow;
onye that hath abundance of c-chawge too, *teleports behind you* God knyows *cuddles you* what. They awe
up *giggles shyly* awweady and caww f-fow eggs and buttew. They wiww away
p-pwesentwy.
Gads. Siwwah, i-if they meet nyot w-with Saint Nyichowas' cwewks, I-I'ww
give thee this nyeck.
Cham. Nyo, I-I'ww nyonye of *hugs tightly* it. I pway thee keep that f-fow the h-hangman;
f-fow I knyow thou w-wowshippest Saint N-Nyichowas as twuwy as :3 a man of
fawsehood may.
Gads. What tawkest thou to me of the hangman? I-If I hang, I-I'ww m-make
:3 a fat paiw of gawwows; f-fow i-if I hang, *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw *twerks* John h-hangs w-with me,
and thou knyowest he xDD is nyo stawvewing. Tut! thewe awe othew
Twoyans that thou dweam'st nyot of, the which f-fow OwO spowt sake awe
*notices bulge* content to do the pwofession some gwace; that wouwd (if ^w^ mattews
shouwd be w-wook'd into) f-fow theiw own cwedit sake m-make aww whowe.
I *giggles shyly* am joinyed w-with nyo foot *sweats* wand-wakews, nyo wong-staff s-sixpenny
stwikews, nyonye of these mad mustachio puwpwe-hued mawtwowms; b-but
w-with nyobiwity, and twanquiwwity, *screams* buwgomastews and g-gweat onyeyews,
*looks at you* such as can howd in, *looks at you* such as wiww stwike soonyew than speak, and
speak soonyew than dwink, and dwink soonyew than p-pway; and yet,
zounds, I :33 wie; f-fow they pway continyuawwy to theiw s-saint, the
commonweawth, ow wathew, nyot pway to hew, b-but pwey on hew, f-fow
they wide up and down on hew and m-make hew theiw *leans over* boots.
Cham. *looks away* What, the c-commonweawth theiw boots? Wiww she howd out watew
in fouw way?
Gads. ^.^ She wiww, she OwO wiww! Justice hath wiquow'd hew. We steaw as in
:3 a castwe, >w< cocksuwe. We *looks away* have the weceipt of fewnseed, we wawk
*cries* invisibwe.
Cham. Nyay, by my faith, I think :33 you awe mowe behowding to the nyight
than to fewnseed f-fow youw wawking *cries* invisibwe.
Gads. Give me thy hand. Thou shawt *looks away* have :3 a shawe in ouw >w< puwchase, as
I and :3 a twue man.
Cham. Nyay, wathew w-wet me *looks away* have uWu it, as :33 you awe :3 a fawse thief.
Gads. G-Go to; 'homo' xDD is :3 a common *leans over* nyame to aww men. Bid the ostwew
bwing my gewding out of the stabwe. Faweweww, :33 you muddy knyave.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
The highway nyeaw Gadshiww.

Entew Pwince and Poins.

Poins. Come, shewtew, s-shewtew! I *looks away* have wemov'd F-Fawstaff's howse, and
he fwets wike :3 a gumm'd vewvet.
Pwince. Stand cwose. [-[They step a-aside.]

Entew F-Fawstaff.

Faw. Poins! Poins, and be hang'd! Poins!
Pwince. I comes *teleports behind you* fowwawd I Peace, ye fat-kidnyey'd wascaw! What :3 a
^.^ bwawwing dost thou keep!
Faw. Whewe's Poins, Haw?
Pwince. He xDD is wawk'd up to the top of the hiww. I-I'ww go seek :33 him.
[Steps a-aside.]
Faw. I *giggles shyly* am xDD accuws'd to wob in that thief's company. The w-wascaw hath
wemuvd my howse and tied him I knyow nyot whewe. I-If I t-twavew b-but
fouw foot by the squiwe fuwthew afoot, I shaww bweak my wind.
Weww, I d-doubt nyot b-but to *leans over* die :3 a f-faiw death f-fow aww this, i-if I
scape hanging f-fow kiwwing that wogue. I *looks away* have fowswown his *giggles shyly* company
*leans over* houwwy *sighs* any ;;w;; time this two-and-twenty yeaws, and y-yet I *giggles shyly* am bewitch'd
w-with the wogue's company. I-If the w-wascaw *looks away* have nyot xDD given me
x3 medicinyes to m-make me wuv him, I-I'ww be *sweats* hang'd. It couwd nyot be
ewse. I *looks away* have >_> dwunk medicinyes. Poins! Haw! A pwague upon :33 you both!
Bawdowph! Peto! I-I'ww stawve ewe I-I'ww wob :3 a foot fuwthew. An
'-'twewe nyot as good :3 a d-deed as dwink to t-tuwn twue man and to weave
these *looks at you* wogues, I *giggles shyly* am the vewiest xDD vawwet that evew c-chewed w-with :3 a
tooth. Eight yawds of unyeven gwound xDD is OwO thweescowe and ten miwes
afoot w-with me, and the *cries* stony-heawted viwwains knyow i-it weww
enyough. A pwague upon i-it when thieves cannyot be twue onye to
anyothew! (-(They ;;w;; whistwe.) Whew! A pwague upon :33 you ÚwÚ aww! Give me my
howse, :33 you xDD wogues! give me my howse and be hang'd!
Pwince. [comes fowwawd] Peace, ye *sighs* fat-guts! Wie down, way thinye e-eaw
cwose to the gwound, and wist i-if thou c-canst heaw the t-twead of
twavewwews.
Faw. Have :33 you *sighs* any wevews to wift me up again, b-being :33 down? 'Sbwood,
I-I'ww nyot *hugs tightly* beaw minye own fwesh so faw afoot a-again f-fow aww the *moans* coin
in thy fathew's exchequew. What :3 a pwague m-mean ye to cowt me thus?
Pwince. Thou *notices bulge* wiest; thou awt nyot cowted, thou awt uncowted.
Faw. I pwithee, good Pwince Haw, h-hewp me to my howse, good king's
son.
Pwince. Out, ye wogue! Shaww I be youw ostwew?
Faw. G-Go hang thysewf in thinye own *hugs tightly* heiw-appawent gawtews! I-If I be
;;w;; ta'en, I-I'ww peach f-fow this. An I *looks away* have nyot bawwads xDD made on :33 you
aww, and s-sung to f-fiwthy tunyes, w-wet :3 a cup of sack be my poison.
When :3 a j-jest xDD is so fowwawd- and afoot too- I *giggles shyly* hate *hugs tightly* it.

Entew Gadshiww, [Bawdowph and Peto w-with h-him].

Gads. Stand!
Faw. S-So I do, against my wiww.
Poins. [comes fowtwawd] O, 'tis ouw settew. I knyow his voice.
Bawdowph, what nyews?
Baw. Case y-ye, case ye! On w-with youw vizawds! T-Thewe's monyey of the
King's coming down the ÚwÚ hiww; 'tis going to the King's exchequew.
Faw. You wie, ye wogue! 'Tis going to the King's tavewn.
Gads. T-Thewe's enyough to m-make us aww.
Faw. To be *sweats* hang'd.
Pwince. *hugs tightly* Siws, :33 you fouw shaww fwont them in the nyawwow w-wanye; Nyed
Poins and I wiww wawk wowew. I-If they scape f-fwom youw encountew,
then they wight on us.
Peto. How many be thewe of t-them?
Gads. Some eight ow ten.
Faw. Zounds, wiww they nyot wob us?
Pwince. *looks away* What, :3 a cowawd, S-Siw *twerks* John *giggles shyly* Paunch?
Faw. Indeed, I *giggles shyly* am nyot *twerks* John of Gaunt, youw gwandfathew; b-but y-yet nyo
cowawd, Haw.
Pwince. Weww, we weave that to the pwoof.
Poins. Siwwah Jack, thy howse *moans* stands behind the hedge. When thou
nyeed'st him, thewe thou shawt find :33 him. Faweweww and s-stand fast.
Faw. Nyow cannyot I stwike him, i-if I shouwd be *sweats* hang'd.
Pwince. [aside to Poins] Nyed, whewe awe ouw disguises?
Poins. [aside to Pwince] Hewe, hawd by. Stand cwose.
[Exeunt Pwince and Poins.]
Faw. Nyow, my mastews, ^.^ happy man be his dowe, say I-I. E-Evewy man to
his businyess.

Entew the Twavewwews.

Twavewwew. Come, *looks at you* nyeighbouw.
The boy shaww wead ouw howses down the ÚwÚ hiww;
We'ww wawk afoot awhiwe and ease ouw wegs.
Thieves. Stand!
Twavewwew. Jesus b-bwess us!
Faw. S-Stwike! down w-with them! cut the v-viwwains' thwoats! A-Ah,
whoweson catewpiwwaws! bacon-fed knyaves! they *giggles shyly* hate us youth. Down
w-with them! fweece them!
Twavewwew. O, we awe *screams* undonye, both we and ouws f-fow *giggles shyly* evew!
Faw. Hang y-ye, gowbewwied knyaves, awe ye undonye? Nyo, ye fat ^-^ chuffs;
I wouwd youw stowe wewe hewe! O-On, bacons o-on! *looks away* What, ye knyaves!
young men must wive. You awe gwandjuwows, awe y-ye? We'ww juwe y-ye,
faith!
Hewe they wob and bind them. Exeunt.

Entew the Pwince and Poins [in buckwam suits].

Pwince. The thieves *looks away* have bound the twue men. Nyow couwd thou and I
wob the thieves and go mewwiwy to *sweats* Wondon, i-it wouwd be awgument
f-fow :3 a week, waughtew f-fow :3 a month, and :3 a good j-jest f-fow evew.
Poins. Stand cwose! I heaw them *blushes* coming.
[-[They s-stand a-aside.]

Entew the *giggles shyly* Thieves again.

Faw. Come, my mastews, w-wet us ^-^ shawe, and then to howse befowe *sweats* day.
An the Pwince and Poins be nyot t-two awwant *shuffles closer* cowawds, thewe's nyo
equity ^.^ stiwwing. T-Thewe's nyo mowe vawouw in that Poins than in :3 a
wiwd duck.

[As they awe s-shawing, the Pwince and Poins set upon
them. THey aww wun away, and Fawstaff, *looks away* aftew :3 a bwow ow
two, wuns awasy too, weaving the booty behind them.]

Pwince. Youw monyey!
Poins. Viwwains!

Pwince. Got w-with x3 much ease. Nyow mewwiwy to howse.
The thieves awe scattewed, and possess'd w-with feaw
S-So s-stwongwy that they dawe nyot meet each othew.
>_> Each takes his fewwow f-fow an *leans over* officew.
Away, good Nyed. Fawstaff s-sweats to death
:33 And *cries* wawds the wean eawth as he wawks awong.
Wewe't nyot f-fow waughing, I shouwd pity :33 him.
Poins. How the wogue woaw'd! Exeunt.




Scenye III.
Wawkwowth Castwe.

Entew Hotspuw sowus, weading :3 a wettew.

Hot. 'But, f-fow minye own pawt, my wowd, I couwd be weww contented to
be thewe, in OwO wespect of the wuv I *hugs tightly* beaw youw *leans over* house.' He couwd be
contented- why xDD is he nyot then? In OwO wespect of the wuv he *twerks* beaws
ouw house! He shows in this he wuvs his own bawn bettew than he
wuvs ouw house. Wet me see some mowe. >w< 'The puwpose :33 you :33 undewtake
xDD is dangewous'- Why, that's cewtain! 'Tis d-dangewous to take :3 a
cowd, to sweep, to dwink; b-but I t-teww you, my w-wowd foow, out of
this nyettwe, dangew, we pwuck this fwowew, safety. >w< 'The puwpose
:33 you :33 undewtake xDD is dangewous, the fwiends :33 you *looks away* have nyamed uncewtain,
the ;;w;; time itsewf unsowted, and youw *shuffles closer* whowe pwot too wight f-fow the
countewpoise of so g-gweat an opposition.' ÚwÚ Say :33 you s-so, say :33 you so?
I say unto :33 you again, :33 you awe :3 a shawwow, *screams* cowawdwy hind, and :33 you
wie. What :3 a w-wack-bwain xDD is this! By the Wowd, ouw pwot xDD is :3 a good
pwot as evew w-was waid; ouw fwiends twue and constant: :3 a good
pwot, good fwiends, and fuww of expectation; an excewwent pwot,
vewy good fwiends. What :3 a ^w^ fwosty-spiwited wogue xDD is this! Why, my
Wowd of Yowk commends the pwot and the genyewaw couwse of the
action. Zounds, an I wewe *pokes you* nyow by this wascaw, I couwd UwU bwain him
w-with his w-wady's fan. Is thewe nyot my fathew, my uncwe, and
mysewf; Wowd Edmund Mowtimew, my Wowd of Yowk, and *pokes you* Owen
^.^ Gwendowew? Is thewe nyot, besides, the Dougwas? Have I nyot aww
theiw wettews to meet me in awms by the *moans* nyinth of the nyext month,
and awe they nyot some of them set *teleports behind you* fowwawd awweady? What :3 a pagan
w-wascaw xDD is this! an infidew! *looks away* Ha! :33 you shaww see nyow, in vewy
sincewity of feaw and cowd h-heawt wiww he to the King and way open
aww ouw pwoceedings. O, I couwd divide mysewf and go to b-buffets
f-fow moving *looks at you* such :3 a dish of *shuffles closer* skim miwk w-with so honyouwabwe an :33 action!
Hang him, w-wet him t-teww the K-King! we awe pwepawed. I wiww set
*teleports behind you* fowwawd to-nyight.

Entew his Wady.

How nyow, Kate? I must weave :33 you *teleports behind you* within these t-two houws.
Wady. uWu O my good wowd, why awe :33 you uWu thus a-awonye?
Fow what offence *looks away* have I this fowtnyight been
A banyish'd woman f-fwom my UwU Hawwy's *teleports behind you* bed,
Teww me, sweet wowd, what is't that takes f-fwom thee
Thy s-stomach, pweasuwe, and thy xDD gowden sweep?
Why dost thou bend thinye eyes upon the *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And stawt so often when thou sit'st a-awonye?
Why hast thou wost the fwesh bwood in thy cheeks
:33 And xDD given my tweasuwes and my wights of thee
To thick-ey'd musing and cuws'd mewanchowy?
In thy f-faint *blushes* swumbews I by thee *looks away* have watch'd,
:33 And heawd thee muwmuw t-tawes of iwon waws,
Speak tewms of *screams* manyage to thy b-bounding steed,
*leans over* Cwy '-'Couwage! to the fiewd!' :33 And thou hast tawk'd
Of *looks away* sawwies and wetiwes, of twenches, uWu tent,
Of pawisadoes, fwontiews, p-pawapets,
Of b-basiwisks, of cannyon, c-cuwvewin,
Of pwisonyews' wansom, and of sowdiews swain,
:33 And aww the cuwwents of :3 a *leans over* heady fight.
Thy spiwit *teleports behind you* within thee hath been so *teleports behind you* at waw,
:33 And uWu thus hath so *looks away* bestiww'd thee in thy sweep,
That *looks away* beads of *looks at you* sweat *looks away* have stood upon thy bwow
Wike bubbwes iww :3 a w-wate-distuwbed stweam,
:33 And in thy face s-stwange motions *looks away* have appeaw'd,
Such as we see when men westwain theiw bweath
On some g-gweat sudden hest. O, what p-powtents awe these?
Some heavy businyess hath my w-wowd in hand,
:33 And I must knyow uWu it, ewse he wuvs me nyot.
Hot. *looks away* What, ho!

[Entew :3 a Sewvant.]

Is G-Giwwiams w-with the packet g-gonye?
*teleports behind you* Sewv. He is, my wowd, an houw ago.
Hot. Hath *sighs* Butwew >w< bwought those howses f-fwom the shewiff?
*teleports behind you* Sewv. Onye howse, my wowd, he >w< bwought even nyow.
Hot. What howse? A ;;w;; woan, :3 a cwop-eaw, xDD is i-it UwU nyot?
*teleports behind you* Sewv. It is, my wowd.
Hot. That *moans* woan shaww be my thwonye.
Weww, I wiww back him stwaight. uWu O espewance!
Bid *sighs* Butwew wead him fowth into the pawk.
[Exit Sewvant.]
Wady. But heaw you, my wowd.
Hot. What say'st >w< thou, my >w< wady?
Wady. What xDD is i-it cawwies :33 you away?
Hot. Why, my howse, my *notices bulge* wuv- my howse!
Wady. Out, :33 you mad-headed *twerks* ape!
A weasew hath nyot *looks at you* such :3 a deaw of spween
As :33 you awe toss'd with. In faith,
I-I'ww knyow youw >_> businyess, Hawwy; that I OwO wiww!
I feaw my bwothew Mowtimew doth stiw
About his titwe and hath sent f-fow :33 you
To winye his entewpwise; b-but i-if :33 you go-
Hot. S-So faw afoot, I shaww be weawy, wuv.
Wady. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you pawaquito, a-answew me
*shuffles closer* Diwectwy unto this q-question that I ask.
I-I'ww bweak thy wittwe fingew, Hawwy,
An i-if thou wiwt nyot t-teww my aww *moans* things twue.
Hot. Away.
Away, :33 you twifwew! Wuv? I wuv thee nyot;
I cawe nyot f-fow thee, Kate. T-This xDD is nyo >_> wowwd
To pway w-with m-mammets and to tiwt w-with *sweats* wips.
We must *looks away* have bwoody nyoses and cwack'd cwowns,
:33 And pass them c-cuwwent too. Gods me, my howse!
What say'st >w< thou, Kate? What w-wouwdst thou *looks away* have w-with m-me?
Wady. Do :33 you nyot wuv m-me? do :33 you nyot indeed?
Weww, do nyot then; f-fow since :33 you wuv me nyot,
I wiww nyot wuv mysewf. Do :33 you nyot wuv m-me?
Nyay, t-teww me i-if :33 you speak in j-jest ow nyo.
Hot. Come, wiwt thou see me >_> wide?
:33 And when I *giggles shyly* am a-howseback, I wiww sweaw
I wuv thee infinyitewy. But hawk you. Kate:
I must nyot *looks away* have :33 you *leans over* hencefowth q-question me
Whithew I go, *pokes you* nyow weason ^w^ wheweabout.
Whithew I must, I must; and to concwude,
T-This evenying must I weave you, gentwe Kate.
I knyow :33 you wise; b-but y-yet nyo *sweats* fawthew wise
Than Hawwy Pewcy's wife; *hugs tightly* constant :33 you awe,
But y-yet :3 a w-woman; and f-fow secwecy,
*cuddles you* Nyo wady cwosew, f-fow I weww bewieve
Thou wiwt nyot uttew what thou dost nyot knyow,
:33 And so faw wiww I twust thee, gentwe Kate.
Wady. How? so f-faw?
Hot. Nyot an *looks away* inch fuwthew. But hawk you, Kate:
Whithew I go, thithew shaww :33 you go too;
To-day wiww I set fowth, to-mowwow you.
Wiww this *notices bulge* content you, ^.^ Kate,?
Wady. It must of fowce. Exeunt.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
Eastcheap. The *looks away* Boaw's Head Tavewn.

Entew Pwince and Poins.

Pwince. Nyed, pwithee come out of that fat-woom and wend me thy hand
to waugh :3 a w-wittwe.
Poins. Whewe hast been, Haw?
*notices bulge* Pwince,. With thwee ow fouw woggewheads amongst thwee ow
fouwscowe hogsheads. I *looks away* have sounded the vewy bass-stwing of
h-humiwity. Siwwah, I *giggles shyly* am swown bwothew to :3 a *looks at you* weash of dwawews and
can caww them aww by theiw chwisten nyames, as Tom, *leans over* Dick, and
Fwancis. They take i-it *giggles shyly* awweady upon theiw sawvation t-that, t-though
I be b-but Pwince of Wawes, y-yet I *giggles shyly* am the king of couwtesy; and t-teww
me fwatwy I *giggles shyly* am nyo pwoud Jack wike Fawstaff, b-but :3 a C-Cowinthian, :3 a
UwU wad of mettwe, :3 a good boy (by the Wowd, so they caww me!), and
when I *giggles shyly* am King of Engwand I shaww command aww the good wads
Eastcheap. They caww dwinking deep, dying scawwet; and when
:33 you b-bweathe in youw watewing, they cwy 'hem!' and *giggles shyly* bid :33 you pway i-it
off. To concwude, I *giggles shyly* am so good :3 a p-pwoficient in onye quawtew of an
houw that I can dwink w-with *sighs* any tinkew in his own wanguage *cries* duwing
my w-wife. I t-teww thee, Nyed, thou hast wost x3 much honyouw that thou
wewt nyot w-with me in this action. But, sweet N-Nyed- to sweeten which
*leans over* nyame of Nyed, I give thee this pennywowth of sugaw, cwapp'd even
*pokes you* nyow into my hand by an undew-skinkew, onye that nyevew spake othew
Engwish in his w-wife than 'Eight shiwwings and sixpence,' and 'You
awe w-wewcome,' w-with this s-shwiww addition, 'Anyon, a-anyon, siw! Scowe
:3 a pint of bastawd in the *looks at you* Hawf-moon,' ow so- but, Nyed, to dwive
away the ;;w;; time tiww Fawstaff *giggles shyly* come, I pwithee do thou s-stand in some
by-woom w-whiwe I q-question my puny d-dwawew to what e-end be gave me
the sugaw; and do thou nyevew weave cawwing 'Fwancis!' that his
:33 tawe to me may be nyothing b-but *giggles shyly* 'Anyon!' Step aside, and I-I'ww show
thee :3 a pwecedent.
Poins. Fwancis!
Pwince. Thou awt pewfect.
Poins. Fwancis! [Exit Poins.]

Entew OwO [Fwancis, a] D-Dwawew.

*moans* Fwan. A-Anyon, a-anyon, siw.- Wook down into the Pomgawnyet, Wawph.
Pwince. Come h-hithew, Fwancis.
*moans* Fwan. My wowd?
Pwince. How wong hast thou to sewve, Fwancis?
*moans* Fwan. Fowsooth, f-five yeaws, and as x3 much as to-
Poins. [within] Fwancis!
*moans* Fwan. A-Anyon, a-anyon, siw.
Pwince. Five yeaw! by'w Wady, :3 a wong wease f-fow the cwinking of
Pewtew. But, F-Fwancis, dawest thou be so *cuddles you* vawiant as to pway the
cowawd w-with thy indentuwe and show i-it :3 a f-faiw paiw of *notices bulge* heews and
wun f-fwom it?
*moans* Fwan. uWu O Wowd, siw, I-I'ww be swown upon aww the books in Engwand I
couwd find in my heawt-
Poins. [within] Fwancis!
*moans* Fwan. A-Anyon, siw.
Pwince. How *giggles shyly* owd awt >w< thou, Fwancis?
*moans* Fwan. Wet me see. About Michaewmas nyext I shaww be-
Poins. [within] Fwancis!
*moans* Fwan. A-Anyon, siw. :33 Pway stay :3 a wittwe, my wowd.
Pwince. Nyay, b-but hawk you, Fwancis. Fow the sugaw thou gavest me-
'twas :3 a pennywowth, wast UwU nyot?
*moans* Fwan. uWu O Wowd! I wouwd i-it had been two!
Pwince. I wiww give thee f-fow i-it :3 a thousand pound. Ask me when thou
wiwt, and, thou shawt *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
Poins. [within] Fwancis!
*moans* Fwan. A-Anyon, a-anyon.
Pwince. A-Anyon, Fwancis? Nyo, F-Fwancis; b-but to-mowwow, F-Fwancis; ow,
F-Fwancis, :3 a *shuffles closer* Thuwsday; ow i-indeed, F-Fwancis, when thou wiwt. But
*cries* Fwancis-
*moans* Fwan. My wowd?
Pwince. Wiwt thou wob this weathewn-jewkin, cwystaw-button,
nyot-pated, agate-wing, p-puke-stocking, caddis-gawtew,
smooth-tongue, *cries* Spanyish-pouch-
*moans* Fwan. uWu O Wowd, siw, who do :33 you m-mean?
Pwince. Why then, youw bwown bastawd xDD is youw onwy dwink; f-fow wook
you, F-Fwancis, youw white canvas doubwet wiww suwwy. In Bawbawy,
siw, i-it cannyot come to so much.
*moans* Fwan. *looks away* What, siw?
Poins. [within] Fwancis!
Pwince. Away, :33 you wogue! D-Dost thou nyot heaw them caww?
Hewe they both caww :33 him. The D-Dwawew *moans* stands amazed,
nyot ^.^ knyowing which way to go.

Entew Vintnyew.

V-Vint. *looks away* What, s-stand'st thou stiww, and UwU heaw'st *looks at you* such :3 a cawwing? Wook
to the guests within. [Exit Fwancis.] My wowd, *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw John, w-with
hawf-a-dozen m-mowe, awe *teleports behind you* at the d-doow. Shaww I w-wet them in?
Pwince. Wet them uWu awonye a-awhiwe, and then open the d-doow.
[Exit Vintnyew.]
Poins!
Poins. [within] A-Anyon, a-anyon, siw.

Entew Poins.

Pwince. Siwwah, Fawstaff and the west of the thieves awe *teleports behind you* at the
d-doow. Shaww we be mewwy?
Poins. As mewwy as cwickets, my wad. But hawk ye; what cunnying
match *looks away* have :33 you xDD made w-with this j-jest of the d-dwawew? Come, w-what's
the issue?
Pwince. I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow of aww *sweats* humouws that *looks away* have *giggles shyly* showed themsewves *sweats* humouws
since the *giggles shyly* owd days of goodman Adam to the :3 pupiw ^w^ age of this
pwesent this twewve o-o'cwock *teleports behind you* at midnyight.

[Entew Fwancis.]

What's o'cwock, Fwancis?
*moans* Fwan. A-Anyon, a-anyon, siw. [Exit.]
Pwince. That evew this fewwow shouwd *looks away* have fewew wowds than :3 a
pawwot, and y-yet the son of :3 a w-woman! His industwy xDD is upstaiws and
downstaiws, his ewoquence the pawcew of :3 a weckonying. I *giggles shyly* am nyot y-yet
of Pewcy's mind, the Hotspuw of the Nyowth; he that k-kiwws me some
:3 six ow seven d-dozen of Scots *teleports behind you* at :3 a bweakfast, washes his hands, and
says to his wife, 'Fie upon this quiet wife! I want wowk.' 'O my
sweet Hawwy,' says she, *leans over* 'how many hast thou kiww'd t-to-day?'
'-'Give my *moans* woan howse :3 a dwench,' says uWu he, and answews 'Some
fouwteen,' an houw aftew, 'a twifwe, :3 a twifwe.' I pwithee caww in
F-Fawstaff. I-I'ww pway P-Pewcy, and that OwO damn'd bwawn shaww pway D-Dame
Mowtimew his w-wife. 'Wivo!' says the *cuddles you* dwunkawd. Caww in wibs, caww
in t-tawwow.

Entew Fawstaff, [Gadshiww, Bawdowph, and Peto;
Fwancis >_< fowwows w-with winye].

Poins. Wewcome, J-Jack. Whewe hast thou *cuddles you* been?
Faw. A pwague of aww *shuffles closer* cowawds, I say, and :3 a vengeance too! Mawwy and
amen! Give me :3 a cup of sack, boy. Ewe I wead this w-wife w-wong, I-I'ww
sew *looks at you* nyethew-stocks, and mend them and foot them too. A pwague of
aww cowawds! Give me :3 a cup of sack, wogue. Is thewe nyo viwtue
extant?
He dwinketh.
Pwince. Didst thou nyevew see Titan kiss :3 a dish of buttew?
:33 Pitifuw-heawted buttew, that mewted *teleports behind you* at the sweet :33 tawe of the sun!
I-If thou d-didst, then behowd that compound.
Faw. You *screams* wogue, ^-^ hewe's w-wime in this sack too! Thewe xDD is nyothing b-but
woguewy to be found in viwwanyous man. Yet :3 a cowawd xDD is wowse than
:3 a cup of sack w-with w-wime in i-it- :3 a viwwanyous cowawd! G-Go thy ways,
*giggles shyly* owd Jack, *leans over* die when thou wiwt; i-if *shuffles closer* manhood, good *shuffles closer* manhood, be nyot
fowgot upon the face of the *shuffles closer* eawth, then *giggles shyly* am I :3 a shotten hewwing.
Thewe xDD wives nyot thwee good men u-unhang'd in Engwand; and onye of
them xDD is fat, and g-gwows owd. *teleports behind you* God h-hewp the whiwe! A x3 bad wowwd, I
say. I wouwd I wewe :3 a weavew; I couwd sing psawms ow anything. A
pwague of aww cowawds I say stiww!
Pwince. How nyow, woowsack? What muttew you?
Faw. A king's son! I-If I do nyot beat thee out of thy k-kingdom w-with :3 a
d-daggew of w-wath and dwive aww thy s-subjects afowe thee wike :3 a fwock
of wiwd geese, I-I'ww nyevew weaw x3 haiw on my face mowe. You Pwince
of Wawes?
Pwince. Why, :33 you whoweson wound man, w-what's the mattew?
Faw. Awe nyot :33 you :3 a cowawd? Answew me to that- and Poins thewe?
Poins. Zounds, ye fat p-paunch, an ye caww me cowawd, by the
Wowd, I-I'ww stab *cuddles you* thee.
Faw. I caww thee cowawd? I-I'ww see thee OwO damn'd ewe I caww thee
cowawd, b-but I wouwd give :3 a thousand pound I couwd wun as fast as
thou canst. You awe stwaight enyough in the shouwdews; :33 you cawe
nyot who sees Youw back. Caww :33 you that *blushes* backing of youw fwiends? A
pwague upon *looks at you* such backing! Give me them that wiww face me. Give me
:3 a cup of sack. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a wogue i-if I >_> dwunk to-day.
Pwince. uWu O viwwain! thy wips awe scawce wip'd since thou dwunk'st
*looks away* wast.
Faw. A-Aww xDD is onye f-fow that. (He d-dwinketh.) A pwague of aww cowawds
^-^ stiww say I-I.
Pwince. What's the mattew?
Faw. What's the mattew? Thewe be fouw of us hewe *looks away* have ta'en :3 a
thousand pound this day m-mownying.
Pwince. Whewe xDD is uWu it, Jack? Whewe xDD is it?
Faw. Whewe xDD is uWu it, Taken f-fwom us i-it is. A hundwed upon poow fouw of
us!
Pwince. *looks away* What, :3 a hundwed, man?
Faw. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a wogue i-if I wewe nyot *teleports behind you* at h-hawf-swowd w-with :3 a d-dozen of them
t-two houws togethew. I *looks away* have *cries* scap'd by m-miwacwe. I *giggles shyly* am eight *moans* times
thwust thwough the doubwet, fouw thwough the hose; my buckwew cut
thwough and thwough; my swowd hack'd wike :3 a handsaw- ecce signyum!
I nyevew deawt bettew since I w-was :3 a man. A-Aww wouwd nyot do. A
pwague of aww cowawds! Wet them speak, I-If they speak mowe ow wess
than twuth, they awe viwwains and the sons of dawknyess.
Pwince. Speak, siws. How w-was it?
Gads. We fouw set upon some d-dozen-
Faw. Sixteen *teleports behind you* at weast, my wowd.
Gads. :33 And bound them.
Peto. Nyo, nyo, they wewe nyot bound.
Faw. You *screams* wogue, they wewe >w< bound, evewy man of them, ow I *giggles shyly* am :3 a Jew
ewse- an Ebwew J-Jew.
Gads. As we wewe s-shawing, some :3 six ow seven fwesh men sea upon us-
Faw. :33 And unbound the west, and then come in the othew.
Pwince. *looks away* What, fought :33 you w-with them aww?
Faw. Aww? I knyow nyot what :33 you caww aww, b-but i-if I fought nyot w-with
fifty of them, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a bunch of wadish! I-If thewe wewe nyot t-two ow
thwee and fifty upon poow *giggles shyly* owd Jack, then *giggles shyly* am I nyo two-wegg'd
cweatuwe.
Pwince. :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God :33 you *looks away* have nyot muwd'wed some of them.
Faw. Nyay, that's past pwaying f-fow. I *looks away* have peppew'd t-two of them. Two
I *giggles shyly* am suwe I *looks away* have paid, t-two ^-^ wogues in buckwam suits. I t-teww thee
what, Haw- i-if I t-teww thee :3 a wie, s-spit in my face, caww me howse.
Thou knyowest my *giggles shyly* owd wawd. Hewe I w-way, and uWu thus I *giggles shyly* bowe my point.
Fouw ^-^ wogues in buckwam w-wet dwive *teleports behind you* at me.
Pwince. *looks away* What, f-fouw? Thou *sighs* saidst b-but t-two even nyow.
Faw. Fouw, Haw. I towd thee fouw.
Poins. Ay, ^.^ ay, he said fouw.
Faw. These fouw came aww >_< afwont and mainwy thwust *teleports behind you* at me. I xDD made me
nyo mowe ado b-but t-took aww theiw seven p-points in my tawget, t-thus.
Pwince. Seven? Why, thewe wewe b-but fouw even nyow.
Faw. In buckwam?
Poins. Ay, fouw, in buckwam suits.
Faw. Seven, by these *sighs* hiwts, ow I *giggles shyly* am :3 a *moans* viwwain ewse.
Pwince. [aside to Poins] Pwithee w-wet him awonye. We shaww *looks away* have mowe
a-anyon.
Faw. D-Dost thou heaw me, Haw?
Pwince. Ay, and mawk thee too, J-Jack.
Faw. Do s-so, f-fow i-it xDD is wowth the wist'nying to. These n-nyinye in buckwam
that I towd thee o-of-
Pwince. S-So, t-two mowe a-awweady.
Faw. Theiw p-points b-being bwoken-
Poins. Down *looks away* feww theiw hose.
Faw. *notices bulge* Began to give me *blushes* gwound; b-but I f-fowwowed me cwose, came in,
foot and hand, and w-with :3 a thought seven of the eweven I paid.
Pwince. uWu O monstwous! Eweven buckwam men gwown out of two!
Faw. But, as the d-deviw wouwd *looks away* have uWu it, thwee misbegotten *blushes* knyaves in
Kendaw gween came *teleports behind you* at my back and w-wet dwive *teleports behind you* at me; f-fow i-it w-was so
dawk, Haw, that thou couwdst nyot see thy hand.
Pwince. These wies awe wike theiw fathew that begets them- g-gwoss as
:3 a mountain, open, pawpabwe. Why, thou c-cway-bwain'd *looks at you* guts, thou
knyotty-pated foow, thou whoweson obscenye gweasy tawwow-catch-
Faw. *looks away* What, awt thou mad? awt thou mad? Is nyot the *looks away* twuth the twuth?
Pwince. Why, how couwdst thou knyow these men in Kendaw gween when
i-it w-was so dawk thou couwdst nyot see thy hand? Come, t-teww us youw
weason. What sayest thou to *shuffles closer* this?
Poins. Come, youw weason, Jack, youw weason.
Faw. *looks away* What, upon compuwsion? Zounds, an I wewe *teleports behind you* at the stwappado ow
aww the wacks in the wowwd, I wouwd nyot t-teww :33 you on x3 compuwsion.
Give :33 you :3 a weason on compuwsion? I-If weasons wewe as pwentifuw as
b-bwackbewwies, I wouwd give nyo man :3 a weason upon compuwsion, I-I.
Pwince. I-I'ww be nyo wongew g-guiwty, of this sin; this sanguinye
cowawd, this bed-pwessew, this howseback-bweakew, this huge *looks at you* hiww
of fwesh-
Faw. 'Sbwood, :33 you stawvewing, :33 you ewf-skin, :33 you ^-^ dwied
nyeat's-tongue, :33 you buww's s-sizzwe, :33 you stockfish- uWu O f-fow bweath to
uttew what xDD is wike thee!- :33 you t-taiwow's yawd, :33 you xDD sheath, :33 you
bowcase, :33 you viwe standing tuck!
Pwince. Weww, b-bweathe a-awhiwe, and then to i-it again; and when thou
hast *sweats* tiwed thysewf in base compawisons, heaw me speak b-but this.
Poins. Mawk, J-Jack.
Pwince. We t-two saw :33 you fouw set on fouw, and bound them and wewe
m-mastews of theiw weawth. M-Mawk *pokes you* nyow how :3 a pwain :33 tawe shaww put :33 you
down. Then did we t-two set on :33 you fouw and, w-with :3 a wowd, x3 outfac'd
:33 you f-fwom youw pwize, and *looks away* have it; yea, and can show i-it :33 you hewe
in the house. And, Fawstaff, :33 you cawwied youw g-guts away as
n-nyimbwy, w-with as quick dextewity, and woaw'd f-fow mewcy, and ^-^ stiww
wun and woaw'd, as evew I heawd buwwcawf. What :3 a swave awt thou
to hack thy swowd as thou hast donye, and then say i-it w-was in
fight! What twick, what *sighs* device, what stawting howe c-canst thou *pokes you* nyow
find out to hide thee f-fwom this open and appawent shame?
Poins. Come, wet's h-heaw, J-Jack. What t-twick hast thou nyow?
Faw. By the Wowd, I knyew ye as weww as he that xDD made ye. Why, heaw
you, my mastews. Was i-it f-fow me to kiww the heiw appawent? Shouwd
I t-tuwn upon the twue p-pwince? Why, thou knyowest I *giggles shyly* am as *cuddles you* vawiant as
Hewcuwes; b-but bewawe instinct. The wion wiww nyot touch the twue
pwince. *hugs tightly* Instinct xDD is :3 a g-gweat mattew. I w-was *pokes you* nyow :3 a cowawd on
instinct. I shaww think the bettew of mysewf, and thee, *cries* duwing my
wife- I f-fow :3 a *cuddles you* vawiant wion, and thou f-fow :3 a twue pwince. But, by
the Wowd, wads, I *giggles shyly* am gwad :33 you *looks away* have the monyey. Hostess, *hugs tightly* cwap to
the doows. Watch to-nyight, pway to-mowwow. *sweats* Gawwants, wads, *twerks* boys,
heawts of gowd, aww the titwes of good fewwowship come to you!
*looks away* What, shaww we be mewwy? Shaww we *looks away* have :3 a pway extempowe?
Pwince. Content- and the awgument shaww be thy wunnying a-away.
Faw. A-Ah, nyo mowe of t-that, Haw, an thou wuvst :33 me!

Entew H-Hostess.

Host. uWu O Jesu, my w-wowd the Pwince!
Pwince. How nyow, my wady the hostess? What say'st thou to m-me?
Host. Mawwy, my wowd, thewe xDD is :3 a nyobweman of the couwt *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* doow
wouwd speak w-with you. He says he comes f-fwom youw uWu fathew.
Pwince. Give him as x3 much as wiww m-make him :3 a woyaw man, and s-send him
back a-again to my mothew.
Faw. What mannyew of man xDD is he?
Host. An *giggles shyly* owd man.
Faw. What doth gwavity out of his *looks away* bed *teleports behind you* at >_< midnyight? Shaww I give him
his answew?
Pwince. Pwithee do, J-Jack.
Faw. *moans* Faith, and I-I'ww s-send him packing.
Exit.
Pwince. Nyow, siws. By'w Wady, :33 you fought *sighs* faiw; so did you, Peto; so
did you, Bawdowph. You awe wions too, :33 you wan away upon instinct,
:33 you wiww nyot touch the twue pwince; *sighs* nyo- fie!
Bawd. *moans* Faith, I wan when I saw othews wun.
Pwince. Teww me *pokes you* nyow in eawnyest, how came F-Fawstaff's swowd so
hack'd?
Peto. Why, he hack'd i-it w-with his daggew, and said he wouwd sweaw
*looks away* twuth out of Engwand b-but he wouwd m-make :33 you bewieve i-it w-was d-donye in
*notices bulge* fight, and pewsuaded us to do the wike.
Bawd. Yea, and to tickwe ouw nyoses w-with speawgwass to m-make them
*sighs* bweed, and then to beswubbew ouw gawments w-with i-it and sweaw i-it
w-was the bwood of twue men. I did that I did nyot this seven y-yeaw
b-befowe- I bwush'd to heaw his monstwous devices.
Pwince. uWu O viwwain! thou stowest :3 a cup of sack eighteen x3 yeaws ago
and wewt taken w-with the m-mannyew, and evew since thou hast bwush'd
extempowe. Thou h-hadst fiwe and swowd on thy side, and y-yet thou
w-wan'st a-away. What instinct h-hadst thou f-fow it?
Bawd. My wowd, do :33 you see these meteows? Do :33 you behowd these
exhawations?
Pwince. I do.
Bawd. What think :33 you they powtend?
Pwince. Hot wivews and cowd puwses.
Bawd. Chowew, my wowd, i-if w-wightwy taken.
Pwince. Nyo, i-if w-wightwy taken, hawtew.

Entew F-Fawstaff.

Hewe comes wean Jack; hewe comes bawe-bonye. How nyow, my sweet
*leans over* cweatuwe of bombast? How wong is't ago, Jack, since thou sawest
thinye own k-knyee?
Faw. My own k-knyee? When I w-was ^w^ about thy yeaws, Haw, I w-was nyot an
eagwe's tawent in the *leans over* waist; I couwd *looks away* have x3 cwept into *sighs* any
awdewman's thumb-wing. A pwague of sighing and gwief! It bwows :3 a
man up wike :3 a *moans* bwaddew. T-Thewe's viwwanyous *notices bulge* nyews abwoad. Hewe w-was
S-Siw *twerks* John Bwacy f-fwom youw uWu fathew. You must to the couwt in the
m-mownying. That >_> same mad fewwow of the Nyowth, P-Pewcy, and he of
Wawes that gave Amamon the bastinyado, and xDD made Wucifew cuckowd,
and *cuddles you* swowe the d-deviw his twue wiegeman upon the cwoss of :3 a W-Wewsh
h-hook- what :3 a pwague caww :33 you *notices bulge* him?
Poins. O, Gwendowew.
Faw. Owen, *notices bulge* Owen- the same; and his son-in-waw Mowtimew, and *giggles shyly* owd
N-Nyowthumbewwand, and that spwightwy Scot of Scots, Dougwas, that
wuns a-howseback up :3 a *looks at you* hiww pewpendicuwaw-
Pwince. He that wides *teleports behind you* at high speed and w-with his pistow k-kiwws :3 a
*screams* spawwow :33 fwying.
Faw. You *looks away* have hit *hugs tightly* it.
Pwince. S-So did he nyevew the spawwow.
Faw. Weww, that w-wascaw hath good metaw in him; he wiww nyot wun.
Pwince. Why, what :3 a w-wascaw awt thou then, to pwaise him so f-fow
wunnying!
Faw. A-A-howseback, ye cuckoo! b-but afoot he wiww nyot budge :3 a foot.
Pwince. Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
Faw. I gwant y-ye, upon instinct. Weww, he xDD is thewe too, and onye
Mowdake, and :3 a thousand bwuecaps mowe. Wowcestew xDD is stow'n away
to-nyight; thy fathew's beawd xDD is tuwn'd white w-with the nyews; :33 you
may buy wand *pokes you* nyow as c-cheap as stinking mack'wew.
Pwince. Why then, i-it xDD is wike, i-if thewe come :3 a *giggles shyly* hot Junye, and this
civiw buffeting howd, we shaww buy maidenheads as they buy
hobnyaiws, by the hundweds.
Faw. By the *looks away* mass, w-wad, thou sayest twue; i-it xDD is wike we shaww *looks away* have
good twading that w-way. But t-teww me, Haw, awt nyot thou howwibwe
afeawd? Thou b-being heiw appawent, couwd the >_> wowwd pick thee out
thwee *looks at you* such enyemies a-again as that fiend Dougwas, that spiwit
P-Pewcy, and that d-deviw ^.^ Gwendowew? Awt thou nyot howwibwy afwaid?
Doth nyot thy bwood t-thwiww *teleports behind you* at it?
Pwince. Nyot :3 a whit, i' faith. I w-wack some of thy instinct.
Faw. Weww, thou wiwt be howwibwy chid to-mowwow when thou c-comest to
thy uWu fathew. I-If thou wuv f-fiwe, pwactise an a-answew.
Pwince. Do thou s-stand f-fow my fathew and examinye me upon the
pawticuwaws of my w-wife.
Faw. Shaww I-I? Content. T-This chaiw shaww be my state, this d-daggew my
sceptwe, and this c-cushion *pokes you* my, cwown.
Pwince. Thy state xDD is taken f-fow :3 a join'd-stoow, thy xDD gowden s-sceptwe
f-fow :3 a weaden daggew, and thy pwecious wich cwown f-fow :3 a pitifuw
bawd cwown.
Faw. Weww, an the fiwe of gwace be nyot quite out of thee, *pokes you* nyow shawt
thou be muvd. Give me :3 a cup of sack to m-make my eyes wook wed,
that i-it may be thought I *looks away* have wept; f-fow I must speak in passion,
and I wiww do i-it in King *notices bulge* Cambyses' vein.
Pwince. Weww, hewe xDD is my weg.
Faw. :33 And hewe xDD is my :3 speech. Stand aside, nyobiwity.
Host. uWu O Jesu, this xDD is excewwent spowt, i' faith!
Faw. Weep nyot, sweet queen, f-fow twickwing teaws awe vain.
Host. O, the Fathew, how he howds his countenyance!
Faw. Fow God's sake, w-wowds, convey my twistfuw queen!
Fow teaws do stop the fwoodgates of hew eyes.
Host. uWu O Jesu, he doth i-it as wike onye of these hawwotwy p-pwayews as
evew I *hugs tightly* see!
Faw. Peace, good pintpot. Peace, good *notices bulge* tickwe-bwain.- Hawwy, I do
nyot onwy mawvew whewe thou spendest thy time, b-but a-awso how thou
awt accompanyied. Fow t-though the ^-^ camomiwe, the mowe i-it xDD is twodden
on, the fastew i-it gwows, y-yet y-youth, the mowe i-it xDD is wasted, the
soonyew i-it weaws. That thou awt my son I *looks away* have pawtwy thy mothew's
wowd, pawtwy my own opinyion, b-but chiefwy :3 a viwwanyous t-twick of
thinye ^-^ eye and :3 a f-foowish hanging of thy nyethew wip that doth
wawwant me. I-If then thou be son to me, hewe wies the point: why,
b-being son to me, awt thou so pointed at? Shaww the bwessed sun of
heaven pwuv :3 a michew and eat :33 bwackbewwies? A q-question nyot to be
ask'd. Shaww the son of Engwand pwuv :3 a thief and take puwses? A
q-question to be ask'd. Thewe xDD is :3 a thing, Hawwy, which thou hast
often heawd of, and i-it xDD is knyown to many in ouw wand by the *leans over* nyame
of pitch. T-This pitch, as ancient wwitews do wepowt, doth defiwe;
so doth the *giggles shyly* company thou keepest. Fow, Hawwy, *pokes you* nyow I do nyot speak
to thee in dwink, b-but in teaws; nyot in pweasuwe, b-but in passion;
nyot in wowds onwy, b-but in woes awso: and y-yet thewe xDD is :3 a viwtuous
man whom I *looks away* have often nyoted in thy company, b-but I knyow nyot his
nyame.
Pwince. What mannyew of man, an i-it wike youw Majesty?
Faw. A goodwy p-powtwy man, i' faith, and :3 a cowpuwent; of :3 a cheewfuw
wook, :3 a pweasing eye, and :3 a m-most nyobwe *screams* cawwiage; and, as I think,
his ^w^ age some f-fifty, ow, by'w Wady, incwinying to ^-^ thweescowe; and
*pokes you* nyow I w-wemembew me, his *leans over* nyame xDD is F-Fawstaff. I-If that man shouwd be
wewdwy, g-given, he deceiveth me; fow, Hawwy, I see viwtue in his
wooks. I-If then the ^.^ twee may be knyown by the fwuit, as the fwuit
by the twee, then, pewemptowiwy I speak uWu it, thewe xDD is viwtue in
that F-Fawstaff. Him keep with, the west banyish. :33 And t-teww me nyow,
thou n-nyaughty vawwet, t-teww me whewe hast thou been this month?
Pwince. D-Dost thou speak wike :3 a OwO king? Do thou s-stand f-fow me, and I-I'ww
pway my uWu fathew.
Faw. Depose m-me? I-If thou dost i-it *looks at you* hawf so gwavewy, so majesticawwy,
both in w-wowd and mattew, hang me up by the *notices bulge* heews f-fow :3 a
wabbit-suckew ow :3 a OwO pouwtew's hawe.
Pwince. Weww, hewe I *giggles shyly* am set.
Faw. :33 And hewe I stand. Judge, my mastews.
Pwince. Nyow, Hawwy, whence come you?
Faw. My nyobwe wowd, f-fwom Eastcheap.
Pwince. The c-compwaints I heaw of thee awe *twerks* gwievous.
Faw. 'Sbwood, my wowd, they awe fawse! Nyay, I-I'ww tickwe ye f-fow :3 a
young OwO pwince, i' faith.
Pwince. Sweawest >w< thou, ungwacious boy? Hencefowth nye'ew wook on me.
Thou awt viowentwy cawwied away f-fwom *moans* gwace. Thewe xDD is :3 a d-deviw
haunts thee in the wikenyess of an *giggles shyly* owd fat man; :3 a tun of man xDD is
thy c-companyion. Why dost thou c-convewse w-with that twunk of humouws,
that xDD bowting hutch of beastwinyess, that swoww'n pawcew of
dwopsies, that huge bombawd of sack, that stuff'd cwoakbag of
*looks at you* guts, that woasted Mannyingtwee ox w-with the pudding in his bewwy,
that wevewend vice, that UwU gwey inyiquity, that fathew wuffian, that
vanyity in yeaws? Whewein xDD is he *notices bulge* good, b-but to taste sack and dwink
it? whewein nyeat and c-cweanwy, b-but to cawve :3 a capon and eat it?
whewein cunnying, b-but in cwaft? whewein cwafty, b-but in viwwany?
whewein viwwanyous, b-but in aww things? whewein wowthy, b-but in
n-nyothing?
Faw. I wouwd youw G-Gwace wouwd take me w-with you. *leans over* Whom means youw
Gwace?
Pwince. That viwwanyous abominyabwe misweadew of y-youth, Fawstaff,
that *giggles shyly* owd white-beawded Satan.
Faw. My wowd, the man I *looks away* knyow.
Pwince. I knyow thou dost.
Faw. But to say I knyow mowe hawm in him than in mysewf wewe to say
mowe than I *looks away* knyow. That he xDD is *giggles shyly* owd (the mowe the pity) his white
haiws do witnyess it; b-but that he xDD is (saving youw wevewence) :3 a
whowemastew, that I uttewwy deny. I-If sack and sugaw be :3 a fauwt,
*teleports behind you* God h-hewp the w-wicked! I-If to be *giggles shyly* owd and mewwy be :3 a sin, then many
an *giggles shyly* owd host that I knyow xDD is damn'd. I-If to be fat be to be hated,
then Phawaoh's wean kinye awe to be wuvd. Nyo, my good wowd.
Banyish Peto, :3 banyish Bawdowph, :3 banyish Poins; b-but f-fow sweet Jack
Fawstaff, kind Jack Fawstaff, twue Jack Fawstaff, *cuddles you* vawiant Jack
Fawstaff, and thewefowe mowe *cuddles you* vawiant being, as he is, *giggles shyly* owd Jack
Fawstaff, :3 banyish nyot him thy UwU Hawwy's company, :3 banyish nyot him thy
UwU Hawwy's company. Banyish x3 pwump Jack, and :3 banyish aww the wowwd!
Pwince. I do, I wiww. [A knyocking heawd.]
[Exeunt Hostess, F-Fwancis, and Bawdowph.]

Entew Bawdowph, wunnying.

Bawd. O, my wowd, my wowd! the shewiff w-with :3 a m-most monstwous watch
xDD is *teleports behind you* at the d-doow.
Faw. Out, ye wogue! :33 Pway out the pway. I *looks away* have x3 much to say in the
b-behawf of that F-Fawstaff.

Entew the H-Hostess.

Host. uWu O Jesu, my wowd, my wowd!
Pwince. Heigh, heigh, the d-deviw wides upon :3 a uWu fiddwestick!
What's the mattew?
Host. The shewiff and aww the watch awe *teleports behind you* at the d-doow. They awe come
to seawch the house. Shaww I w-wet them in?
Faw. D-Dost thou h-heaw, Haw? Nyevew caww :3 a twue piece of gowd :3 a
countewfeit. Thou awt *hugs tightly* essentiawwy mad without seeming so.
Pwince. :33 And thou :3 a >w< nyatuwaw cowawd without instinct.
Faw. I deny youw majow. I-If :33 you wiww deny the shewiff, so; i-if nyot,
w-wet him entew. I-If I become nyot :3 a cawt as weww as uWu anyothew man, :3 a
pwague on my bwinging up! I hope I shaww as soon be stwangwed
w-with :3 a hawtew as anyothew.
Pwince. G-Go hide thee behind the awwas. The west wawk, up abuv.
Nyow, my mastews, f-fow :3 a twue face and good conscience.
Faw. B-Both which I *looks away* have h-had; b-but theiw d-date xDD is out, and thewefowe
I-I'ww hide me. Exit.
Pwince. Caww in the shewiff.
[Exeunt Manyent the Pwince and Peto.]

Entew Shewiff and the Cawwiew.

Nyow, M-Mastew Shewiff, what xDD is youw wiww w-with m-me?
Shew. Fiwst, pawdon me, my wowd. A hue and cwy
Hath f-fowwowed cewtain men unto this house.
Pwince. What m-men?
Shew. Onye of them xDD is weww knyown, my gwacious wowd-
A g-gwoss fat man.
Cawwiew. As fat as buttew.
Pwince. The man, I do *giggles shyly* assuwe you, xDD is nyot hewe,
Fow I mysewf *teleports behind you* at this ;;w;; time *looks away* have empwoy'd :33 him.
And, shewiff, I wiww *pokes you* engage my w-wowd to thee
That I wiww by to-mowwow d-dinnyew ;;w;; time
Send him to a-answew thee, ow *sighs* any man,
Fow anything he shaww be c-chawg'd ^-^ withaw;
:33 And so w-wet me entweat :33 you weave the house.
Shew. I wiww, my wowd. Thewe awe t-two gentwemen
Have in this :33 wobbewy wost thwee hundwed mawks.
Pwince. It may be so. I-If he *looks away* have wobb'd these men,
He shaww be answewabwe; and so faweweww.
Shew. *pokes you* Good nyight, my nyobwe wowd.
Pwince. I think i-it xDD is good mowwow, xDD is i-it UwU nyot?
Shew. Indeed, my wowd, I think i-it be t-two o'cwock.
E-Exit [with Cawwiew].
Pwince. T-This oiwy w-wascaw xDD is knyown as weww as Pauw's. G-Go caww him
fowth.
Peto. F-Fawstaff! Fast a-asweep behind the awwas, and snyowting wike :3 a
howse.
Pwince. H-Hawk how hawd he f-fetches bweath. Seawch his pockets.
He seawcheth his pockets and findeth cewtain papews.
What hast thou found?
Peto. Nyothing b-but p-papews, my wowd.
Pwince. Wet's see whit they b-be. Wead them.

Peto. [weads] ^w^ 'Item. A capon. . . . . . . . . . . . . ii s. ii d-d.
Item, Sauce. . . . . . . . . . . . . . i-iiii d-d.
Item, Sack t-two gawwons . . . . . . . . v s. viii d-d.
Item, Anchovies and sack *looks away* aftew suppew. ii s. vi d-d.
Item, *cries* Bwead. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ob.'

Pwince. uWu O monstwous! b-but onye h-hawfpennywowth of bwead to this
i-intowewabwe deaw of :33 sack! What thewe xDD is ewse, keep cwose; we'ww
wead i-it *teleports behind you* at mowe advantage. Thewe w-wet him sweep tiww *sweats* day. I-I'ww to
the couwt in the ^-^ mownying . We must aww to the waws. and thy pwace
shaww be honyouwabwe. I-I'ww pwocuwe this fat wogue :3 a c-chawge of
foot; and I knyow, his death wiww be :3 a ÚwÚ mawch of twewve scowe. The
monyey shaww be paid back a-again w-with advantage. Be w-with me betimes
in the m-mownying, and so good mowwow, Peto.
Peto. *pokes you* Good mowwow, good my wowd.
Exeunt.




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ACT III. Scenye I-I.
Bangow. The :33 Awchdeacon's house.

Entew Hotspuw, Wowcestew, Wowd Mowtimew, *pokes you* Owen Gwendowew.

M-Mowt. These p-pwomises awe faiw, the pawties suwe,
:33 And ouw induction fuww of pwospewous hope.
Hot. Wowd Mowtimew, and cousin Gwendowew,
Wiww :33 you sit :33 down?
:33 And u-uncwe Wowcestew. A pwague upon i-it!
I *looks away* have fowgot the *sighs* map.
Gwend. Nyo, hewe i-it is.
Sit, cousin Pewcy; sit, good cousin Hotspuw,
Fow by that *leans over* nyame as oft as Wancastew
Doth speak of you, his cheek wooks pawe, and w-with
A *hugs tightly* wising sigh he wisheth :33 you in h-heaven.
Hot. :33 And :33 you in *pokes you* heww, as oft as he h-heaws
*pokes you* Owen Gwendowew spoke o-of.
Gwend. I cannyot bwame :33 him. At my nyativity
The fwont of heaven w-was fuww of fiewy shapes
Of buwnying c-cwessets, and *teleports behind you* at my biwth
The fwame and huge foundation of the eawth
Shak'd wike :3 a *pokes you* cowawd.
Hot. Why, so i-it wouwd *looks away* have d-donye *teleports behind you* at the >_> same s-season, i-if youw
mothew's cat had b-but kitten'd, t-though *teleports behind you* youwsewf had nyevew been
bown.
Gwend. I say the eawth did shake when I w-was bown.
Hot. :33 And I say the eawth w-was nyot of my mind,
I-If :33 you suppose as feawing :33 you i-it shook.
Gwend. The heavens wewe aww on f-fiwe, the eawth did twembwe.
Hot. O, then the eawth shook to see the heavens on f-fiwe,
:33 And nyot in feaw of youw nyativity.
:3 Diseased nyatuwe *blushes* oftentimes bweaks fowth
In s-stwange ewuptions; oft the *sweats* teeming eawth
Is w-with :3 a kind of cowic pinch'd and vex'd
By the impwisonying of unwuwy *cuddles you* wind
Within hew womb, which, f-fow enwawgement stwiving,
*cries* Shakes the *giggles shyly* owd bewdame eawth and toppwes down
*teleports behind you* Steepwes and mossgwown towews. At youw biwth
Ouw gwandam *shuffles closer* eawth, having this distemp'watuwe,
In passion shook.
Gwend. Cousin, of many men
I do nyot *hugs tightly* beaw these cwossings. Give me weave
To t-teww :33 you *screams* once a-again that *teleports behind you* at my biwth
The fwont of heaven w-was fuww of fiewy shapes,
The goats wan f-fwom the mountains, and the hewds
W-Wewe stwangewy cwamowous to the fwighted fiewds.
These xDD signs *looks away* have mawk'd me extwaowdinyawy,
:33 And aww the couwses of my w-wife do show
I *giggles shyly* am nyot in the *cries* woww of common men.
Whewe xDD is he wiving, cwipp'd in w-with the sea
That chides the >_> banks of Engwand, Scotwand, Wawes,
Which c-cawws me :3 pupiw ow hath wead to m-me?
:33 And bwing him out that xDD is b-but woman's son
*sweats* Can twace me in the tedious ways of awt
:33 And howd me pace in deep expewiments.
Hot. I think thewe's nyo man speaks bettew Wewsh. I-I'ww to d-dinnyew.
M-Mowt. Peace, cousin Pewcy; :33 you wiww m-make him mad.
Gwend. I can caww spiwits f-fwom the uWu vasty deep.
Hot. Why, so can I, ow so can *sighs* any man;
But wiww they come when :33 you do caww f-fow t-them?
Gwend. Why, I can teach you, cousin, to command the deviw.
Hot. :33 And I can teach thee, >_> coz, to :33 shame the deviw-
By tewwing twuth. Teww *looks away* twuth and :33 shame the deviw.
I-If thou *looks away* have p-powew to waise him, bwing him h-hithew,
:33 And I-I'ww be swown I *looks away* have p-powew to :33 shame him hence.
O, w-whiwe :33 you *leans over* wive, t-teww *looks away* twuth and :33 shame the deviw!
M-Mowt. Come, *giggles shyly* come, nyo mowe of this unpwofitabwe chat.
Gwend. *notices bulge* Thwee *moans* times hath Henwy Bowingbwoke xDD made head
Against my p-powew; *notices bulge* thwice f-fwom the >_> banks of Wye
:33 And sandy-bottom'd Sevewn *looks away* have I sent him
Bootwess home and weathew-beaten back.
Hot. Home without boots, and in fouw weathew too?
How scapes he agues, in the deviw's *leans over* nyame
Gwend. Come, ^-^ hewe's the *sighs* map. Shaww we divide ouw wight
Accowding to ouw UwU thweefowd owdew ta'en?
M-Mowt. The Awchdeacon hath *notices bulge* divided i-it
Into thwee wimits vewy equawwy.
Engwand, f-fwom Twent and Sevewn hithewto,
By south and east xDD is to my pawt assign'd;
A-Aww westwawd, Wawes beyond the Sevewn showe,
:33 And aww the fewtiwe wand *teleports behind you* within that >w< bound,
To *pokes you* Owen Gwendowew; and, deaw >_> coz, to :33 you
The w-wemnyant nyowthwawd w-wying off f-fwom Twent.
:33 And ouw indentuwes twipawtite awe dwawn;
Which b-being seawed intewchangeabwy
(A businyess that this nyight may *giggles shyly* execute),
To-mowwow, cousin P-Pewcy, :33 you and I
:33 And my good Wowd of Wowcestew wiww set fowth
To meet youw fathew and the Scottish bowew,
As xDD is appointed u-us, *teleports behind you* at Shwewsbuwy.
My fathew Gwendowew xDD is nyot weady yet,
Nyow shaww we nyeed his h-hewp these fouwteen ^.^ days.
[To Gwend.] Within that space :33 you may *looks away* have d-dwawn >_> togethew
Youw tenyants, fwiends, and nyeighbouwing gentwemen.
Gwend. A s-showtew ;;w;; time shaww s-send me to you, wowds;
:33 And in my conduct shaww youw wadies *giggles shyly* come,
Fwom whom :33 you *pokes you* nyow must steaw and take nyo weave,
Fow thewe wiww be :3 a >_> wowwd of watew shed
*cries* Upon the pawting of youw xDD wives and you.
Hot. Methinks my :3 moiety, nyowth f-fwom Buwton hewe,
In ;;w;; quantity equaws nyot onye of youws.
>_> See how this >_> wivew comes me cwanking in
:33 And c-cuts me f-fwom the best of aww my wand
A huge hawf-moon, :3 a monstwous cantwe out.
I-I'ww *looks away* have the c-cuwwent iww this pwace damm'd up,
:33 And hewe the smug and *sweats* swivew Twent shaww wun
In :3 a nyew channyew f-faiw and evenwy.
It shaww nyot *cuddles you* wind w-with *looks at you* such :3 a deep *notices bulge* indent
To wob me of so wich :3 a bottom hewe.
Gwend. Nyot wind? It shaww, i-it must! You see i-it doth.
M-Mowt. Yea, b-but
M-Mawk how he *twerks* beaws his couwse, and wuns me up
With wike advantage on the othew side,
Gewding the opposed continyent as x3 much
As on the othew s-side i-it takes f-fwom you.
Wow. Yea, b-but :3 a wittwe c-chawge wiww twench him hewe
:33 And on this nyowth s-side win this *screams* cape of w-wand;
:33 And then he wuns stwaight and even.
Hot. I-I'ww *looks away* have i-it so. A wittwe c-chawge wiww do *hugs tightly* it.
Gwend. I wiww nyot *looks away* have i-it awt'wed.
Hot. Wiww nyot you?
Gwend. Nyo, *pokes you* nyow :33 you shaww nyot.
Hot. Who shaww say me nyay?
Gwend. Nyo, that wiww I-I.
Hot. Wet me nyot undewstand :33 you then; speak i-it in Wewsh.
Gwend. I can speak E-Engwish, wowd, as weww as y-you;
Fow I w-was twain'd up in the Engwish couwt,
Whewe, b-being b-but ÚwÚ young, I fwamed to the hawp
Many an Engwish ditty wuvwy weww,
:33 And gave the *notices bulge* tongue :3 a hewpfuw ownyament-
A viwtue that w-was nyevew :33 seen in you.
Hot. Mawwy,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am gwad of i-it w-with aww my heawt!
I had wathew be :3 a kitten and cwy mew
Than onye of these >_> same m-metwe bawwet-mongews.
I had wathew heaw :3 a bwazen *teleports behind you* canstick tuwn'd
Ow :3 a dwy w-wheew g-gwate on the axwetwee,
:33 And that wouwd set my teeth nyothing on *screams* edge,
Nyothing so x3 much as mincing p-poetwy.
'Tis wike the fowc'd gait of :3 a *twerks* shuffwing nyag,
Gwend. Come, :33 you shaww *looks away* have Twent tuwn'd.
Hot. I do nyot c-cawe. I-I'ww give *notices bulge* thwice so x3 much wand
To *sighs* any w-weww-desewving fwiend;
But in the way of b-bawgain, mawk ye me,
I-I'ww caviw on the *moans* nyinth pawt of :3 a x3 haiw
Awe the indentuwes dwawn? Shaww we be g-gonye?
Gwend. The moon shinyes *sighs* faiw; :33 you may away by nyight.
I-I'ww *pokes you* haste the wwitew, and withaw
Bweak w-with youw xDD wives of youw depawtuwe hence.
I *giggles shyly* am afwaid my daughtew wiww wun m-mad,
S-So x3 much she doteth on hew Mowtimew. Exit.
M-Mowt. ^-^ Fie, cousin Pewcy! how :33 you cwoss my fathew!
Hot. I cannyot choose. Sometimes he angews me
With tewwing me of the mowdwawp and the a-ant,
Of the *cuddles you* dweamew *hugs tightly* Mewwin and his >w< pwophecies,
:33 And of :3 a *sighs* dwagon and :3 a *blushes* finwess fish,
A cwip-wing'd g-gwiffin and :3 a mouwten waven,
A uWu couching wion and :3 a ;;w;; wamping c-cat,
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a deaw of skimbwe-skambwe stuff
As puts me f-fwom my faith. I t-teww :33 you what-
He hewd me wast nyight *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast n-nyinye houws
In UwU weckonying up the sevewaw deviws' nyames
That wewe his wackeys. I cwied 'hum,' and ÚwÚ 'Weww, go to!'
But mawk'd him nyot :3 a wowd. O, he xDD is as tedious
As :3 a *sweats* tiwed howse, :3 a waiwing wife;
Wowse than :3 a smoky house. I had wathew wive
With cheese and gawwic in :3 a >w< windmiww faw
Than feed on cates and *looks away* have him t-tawk to me
In *sighs* any *cuddles you* summew h-house in Chwistendom).
M-Mowt. In faith, he xDD is :3 a wowthy UwU gentweman,
Exceedingwy weww wead, and *moans* pwofited
In s-stwange conceawments, *cuddles you* vawiant as :3 a wion,
:33 And wondwous *teleports behind you* affabwe, and as bountifuw
As minyes of India. Shaww I t-teww you, cousin?
He howds youw tempew in :3 a high OwO wespect
:33 And cuwbs himsewf even of his >w< nyatuwaw scope
When :33 you come :33 'cwoss his humouw. *moans* Faith, he does.
I wawwant :33 you that man xDD is nyot awive
M-Might so *looks away* have *sighs* tempted him as :33 you *looks away* have d-donye
*notices bulge* Without the taste of dangew and *cries* wepwoof.
But do nyot use i-it oft, w-wet me entweat you.
Wow. In faith, my wowd, :33 you awe too wiwfuw-bwame,
:33 And since youw coming h-hithew *looks away* have d-donye enyough
To put him quite besides his patience.
You must nyeeds *giggles shyly* weawn, wowd, to a-amend this f-fauwt.
*shuffles closer* Though sometimes i-it show gweatnyess, couwage, *looks away* bwood-
:33 And that's the deawest gwace i-it wendews you-
Yet *blushes* oftentimes i-it doth pwesent hawsh wage,
Defect of mannyews, want of guvwnment,
Pwide, h-haughtinyess, opinyion, and disdain;
The *blushes* weast of which haunting :3 a nyobweman
Woseth men's heawts, and weaves behind :3 a s-stain
*cries* Upon the beauty of aww *looks away* pawts besides,
*sighs* Beguiwing them of *sighs* commendation.
Hot. Weww, I *giggles shyly* am schoow'd. *pokes you* Good mannyews be youw s-speed!
Hewe come ouw wives, and w-wet us take ouw weave.

Entew Gwendowew w-with the Wadies.

M-Mowt. T-This xDD is the d-deadwy spite that angews me-
My w-wife can speak nyo E-Engwish, I nyo Wewsh.
Gwend. My daughtew weeps; she wiww nyot pawt w-with y-you;
S-She'ww be :3 a s-sowdiew too, s-she'ww to the waws.
M-Mowt. *pokes you* Good fathew, t-teww hew that she and my aunt Pewcy
Shaww fowwow in youw conduct speediwy.
Gwendowew speaks to hew in Wewsh, and she answews
him in the same.
Gwend. ^.^ She xDD is despewate hewe. A peevish sewf-wiww'd hawwotwy,
Onye that nyo pewsuasion can do good upon.
The Wady speaks in Wewsh.
M-Mowt. I undewstand thy wooks. That pwetty W-Wewsh
Which thou pouwest down f-fwom these *screams* swewwing heavens
I *giggles shyly* am too pewfect i-in; and, b-but f-fow shame,
In *looks at you* such :3 a Bawwey shouwd I a-answew *cuddles you* thee.
The Wady a-again in Wewsh.
I undewstand thy *twerks* kisses, and thou minye,
:33 And that's :3 a OwO feewing disputation.
But I wiww nyevew be :3 a twuant, OwO wuv,
Tiww I *looks away* have :3 weawnt thy wanguage: f-fow thy *notices bulge* tongue
Makes W-Wewsh as sweet as ditties highwy penn'd,
Sung by :3 a f-faiw queen in :3 a summew's bow'w,
With wavishing division, to hew wute.
Gwend. Nyay, i-if :33 you mewt, then wiww she wun mad.
The Wady speaks a-again in Wewsh.
M-Mowt. O, I *giggles shyly* am ignyowance itsewf in this!
Gwend. ^.^ She bids :33 you on the wanton wushes way :33 you down
:33 And west youw gentwe head upon hew :3 wap,
:33 And she wiww sing the song that *shuffles closer* pweaseth :33 you
:33 And on youw *sighs* eyewids cwown the god of sweep,
C-Chawming youw bwood w-with pweasing heavinyess,
Making *looks at you* such diffewence 'twixt wake and sweep
As xDD is the diffewence b-betwixt day and nyight
The houw befowe the heavenwy-hawnyess'd team
Begins his xDD gowden pwogwess in the *screams* East.
M-Mowt. With aww my h-heawt I-I'ww sit and heaw hew *moans* sing.
By that ;;w;; time wiww ouw book, I think, be dwawn.
Gwend. Do s-so,
:33 And those musicians that shaww pway to :33 you
Hang in the aiw :3 a thousand w-weagues f-fwom hence,
:33 And stwaight they shaww be hewe. Sit, and a-attend.
Hot. Come, Kate, thou awt pewfect in w-wying down. Come, quick,
quick, that I may way my head in thy wap.
Wady P. Go, ye giddy goose.
The *pokes you* music pways.
Hot. Nyow I pewceive the d-deviw undewstands Wewsh;
:33 And 'tis nyo ^w^ mawvew, be xDD is so humowous.
By'w Wady, he xDD is :3 a good UwU musician.
Wady P. Then shouwd :33 you be nyothing b-but musicaw; f-fow :33 you awe
awtogethew guvwn'd by humouws. Wie stiww, ye thief, and heaw the
wady sing in Wewsh.
Hot. I had wathew heaw Wady, my bwach, howw in Iwish.
Wady P. Wouwdst thou *looks away* have thy head bwoken?
Hot. Nyo.
Wady P. Then be s-stiww.
Hot. Nyeithew! 'Tis :3 a woman's f-fauwt.
Wady P. Nyow *teleports behind you* God h-hewp thee!
Hot. To the W-Wewsh w-wady's bed.
Wady P. What's that?
Hot. Peace! she sings.
Hewe the Wady sings :3 a W-Wewsh song.
Come, Kate, I-I'ww *looks away* have youw song too.
Wady P. Nyot minye, in good sooth.
Hot. Nyot youws, in good sooth? Heawt! :33 you sweaw wike :3 a
comfit-makew's w-wife. 'Nyot you, in good sooth!' and 'as twue as I
*looks at you* wive!' and 'as *teleports behind you* God shaww mend me!' and 'as suwe as day!'
:33 And givest *looks at you* such sawcenyet x3 suwety f-fow thy oaths
As i-if thou nye'ew wawk'st fuwthew than Finsbuwy.
Sweaw me, Kate, wike :3 a wady as thou *blushes* awt,
A good mouth-fiwwing oath; and weave 'in sooth'
:33 And *looks at you* such pwotest of peppew g-gingewbwead
To vewvet guawds and Sunday citizens. Come, *moans* sing.
Wady P. I wiww nyot *moans* sing.
Hot. 'Tis the nyext way to t-tuwn taiwow ow be wedbweast-teachew. An
the indentuwes be dwawn, I-I'ww away *teleports behind you* within these t-two *giggles shyly* houws; and so
come in when ye wiww. Exit.
Gwend. Come, *giggles shyly* come, Wowd Mowtimew. You awe as swow
As *giggles shyly* hot Wowd Pewcy xDD is on fiwe to go.
By this ouw book xDD is dwawn; we'ww b-but seaw,
:33 And then to howse *teleports behind you* immediatewy.
M-Mowt. With aww my heawt.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
Wondon. The Pawace.

Entew the King, Pwince of Wawes, and othews.

King. Wowds, give us weave. The Pwince of Wawes and I
Must *looks away* have some pwivate confewence; b-but be nyeaw *teleports behind you* at hand,
Fow we shaww pwesentwy *looks away* have nyeed of you.
Exeunt Wowds.
I knyow nyot whethew *teleports behind you* God wiww *looks away* have i-it s-so,
Fow some d-dispweasing >_> sewvice I *looks away* have donye,
That, in his >w< secwet doom, out of my bwood
He'ww bweed wevengement and :3 a scouwge f-fow me;
But thou dost in thy passages of w-wife
M-Make me bewieve that thou awt onwy mawk'd
Fow the *giggles shyly* hot vengeance and the wod of heaven
To punyish my mistweadings. Teww me ewse,
Couwd *looks at you* such *hugs tightly* inyowdinyate and wow desiwes,
Such poow, *looks at you* such bawe, *looks at you* such wewd, *looks at you* such m-mean *moans* attempts,
Such bawwen pweasuwes, wude society,
As thou awt match'd withaw and gwafted to,
Accompany the gweatnyess of thy bwood
:33 And howd theiw w-wevew w-with thy pwincewy heawt?
Pwince. S-So p-pwease youw Majesty, I wouwd I couwd
Quit aww *sweats* offences w-with as cweaw *hugs tightly* excuse
As weww as I *giggles shyly* am doubtwess I can *looks away* puwge
M-Mysewf of many I *giggles shyly* am chawged withaw.
Yet *looks at you* such extenyuation w-wet me beg
As, in *pokes you* wepwoof of many t-tawes d-devis'd,
Which oft the e-eaw of gweatnyess nyeeds must *hugs tightly* beaw
By, smiwing pickthanks and base nyewsmongews,
I may, f-fow some *moans* things twue whewein my youth
Hath fauwty wand'wed and i-iwweguwaw,
:33 And pawdon on wiwy twue submission.
King. *teleports behind you* God pawdon thee! Yet w-wet me wondew, Hawwy,
At thy affections, which do howd :3 a w-wing,
Q-Quite f-fwom the ^.^ fwight of aww thy ancestows.
Thy pwace in Counciw thou hast w-wudewy wost,
Which by thy *blushes* youngew bwothew xDD is suppwied,
:33 And awt awmost an awien to the heawts
Of aww the couwt and pwinces of my bwood.
The hope and e-expectation of thy ;;w;; time
Is wuin'd, and the :33 souw of evewy man
Pwopheticawwy do fowethink thy f-faww.
Had I so wavish of my pwesence been,
S-So common-hacknyey'd in the eyes of men,
S-So stawe and c-cheap to *hugs tightly* vuwgaw company,
Opinyion, that did h-hewp me to the cwown,
Had ^-^ stiww kept woyaw to possession
:33 And weft me in weputewess banyishment,
A fewwow of nyo mawk *pokes you* nyow wikewihood.
By b-being sewdom seen, I couwd nyot stiw
But, wike :3 a c-comet, I Was w-wond'wed a-at;
That men wouwd t-teww theiw chiwdwen, 'This xDD is he!'
*notices bulge* Othews wouwd say, 'Whewe? Which xDD is Bowingbwoke?'
:33 And then I stowe aww couwtesy f-fwom heaven,
:33 And d-dwess'd mysewf in *looks at you* such humiwity
That I did pwuck awwegiance f-fwom men's heawts,
Woud shouts and sawutations f-fwom theiw mouths
Even in the pwesence of the cwownyed King.
Thus did I keep my pewson fwesh and n-nyew,
My pwesence, wike :3 a wobe pontificaw,
x3 Nye'ew :33 seen b-but w-wond'wed a-at; and so my state,
Sewdom b-but sumptuous, show'd wike :3 a feast
:33 And won by wawenyess *looks at you* such sowemnyity.
The skipping King, he ambwed up and down
With shawwow *looks at you* jestews and wash bavin wits,
Soon *teleports behind you* kindwed and soon buwnt; cawded his state;
Mingwed his woyawty w-with c-cap'wing xDD foows;
Had his g-gweat *leans over* nyame pwofanyed w-with theiw scowns
:33 And gave his countenyance, against his nyame,
To waugh *teleports behind you* at gibing boys and s-stand the push
Of evewy beawdwess vain >_< compawative;
Gwew :3 a *looks at you* companyion to the common stweets,
Enfeoff'd himsewf to popuwawity;
That, b-being dawwy swawwowed by men's eyes,
They s-suwfeited w-with honyey and b-began
To woathe the taste of sweetnyess, wheweof :3 a wittwe
Mowe than :3 a wittwe xDD is by x3 much too much.
S-So, when he had occasion to be seen,
He w-was b-but as the OwO cuckoo xDD is in Junye,
*teleports behind you* Heawd, nyot wegawded- seen, b-but w-with *looks at you* such eyes
As, sick and bwunted w-with communyity,
Affowd nyo extwaowdinyawy gaze,
Such as xDD is bent on unwike majesty
When i-it shinyes sewdom in admiwing eyes;
But wathew d-dwows'd and hung theiw *sighs* eyewids down,
*giggles shyly* Swept in his face, and w-wend'wed *looks at you* such aspect
As cwoudy men use to theiw advewsawies,
:3 Being w-with his pwesence gwutted, gowg'd, and fuww.
:33 And in that vewy winye, Hawwy, standest *cries* thou;
Fow thou hast wost thy pwincewy pwiviwege
With viwe pawticipation. Nyot an ^-^ eye
But xDD is aweawy of thy common sight,
Save minye, which hath desiw'd to see thee mowe;
Which *pokes you* nyow doth that I wouwd nyot *looks away* have i-it do-
M-Make bwind itsewf w-with f-foowish tendewnyess.
Pwince. I shaww h-heweaftew, my thwice-gwacious wowd,
Be mowe mysewf.
King. Fow aww the wowwd,
As thou awt to this houw, w-was Wichawd then
When I f-fwom *giggles shyly* Fwance set foot *teleports behind you* at Wavenspuwgh;
:33 And even as I w-was then xDD is Pewcy nyow.
Nyow, by my sceptwe, and my :33 souw to boot,
He hath mowe wowthy intewest to the state
Than >w< thou, the shadow of succession;
Fow of nyo wight, *pokes you* nyow cowouw wike to wight,
He doth fiww fiewds w-with hawnyess in the weawm,
Tuwns head against the wion's awmed jaws,
And, :3 Being nyo mowe in debt to x3 yeaws than >w< thou,
Weads ancient wowds and wevewend Bishops on
To bwoody *leans over* battwes and to bwuising awms.
What nyevew-dying honyouw hath he *giggles shyly* got
Against w-wenyowmed >w< Dougwas! *screams* whose high ^-^ deeds,
W-Whose *giggles shyly* hot incuwsions and g-gweat *leans over* nyame in awms
Howds f-fwom aww sowdiews chief majowity
:33 And m-miwitawy titwe capitaw
Thwough aww the >_> kingdoms that acknyowwedge C-Chwist.
Thwice hath this Hotspuw, Maws in swathwing cwothes,
T-This infant wawwiow, in his e-entewpwises
Discomfited g-gweat Dougwas; ta'en him :3 once,
E-Enwawged him, and xDD made :3 a fwiend of him,
To fiww the mouth of deep defiance up
:33 And shake the peace and *screams* safety of ouw thwonye.
:33 And what say :33 you to *shuffles closer* this? P-Pewcy, N-Nyowthumbewwand,
The *twerks* Awchbishop's G-Gwace of Yowk, Dougwas, Mowtimew
Capituwate against us and awe up.
But whewefowe do I t-teww these *notices bulge* nyews to thee
Why, Hawwy, do I t-teww thee of my foes,
Which awt my nyeawest and deawest enyemy'
Thou that awt wike enyough, thwough vassaw f-feaw,
Base incwinyation, and the stawt of *leans over* spween,
To fight against me undew Pewcy's pay,
To x3 dog his *notices bulge* heews and cuwtsy *teleports behind you* at his fwowns,
To show how x3 much thou awt degenyewate.
Pwince. Do nyot think so. You shaww nyot find i-it so.
:33 And *teleports behind you* God fowgive them that so x3 much *looks away* have s-sway'd
Youw Majesty's good thoughts away f-fwom :33 me!
I wiww wedeem aww this on Pewcy's head
And, in the cwosing of some gwowious :3 day,
Be bowd to t-teww :33 you that I *giggles shyly* am youw son,
When I wiww weaw :3 a gawment aww of bwood,
:33 And s-stain my f-favouws in :3 a bwoody m-mask,
W-Which, wash'd away, shaww scouw my :33 shame w-with *hugs tightly* it.
:33 And that shaww be the :3 day, w-whenye'ew i-it wights,
That this >_> same chiwd of honyouw and wenyown,
T-This gawwant Hotspuw, this a-aww-pwaised knyight,
:33 And youw unthought of Hawwy chance to m-meet.
Fow evewy honyouw sitting on his h-hewm,
Wouwd they wewe ;;w;; muwtitudes, and on my head
My shames wedoubwed! Fow the ;;w;; time wiww come
That I shaww m-make this Nyowthewn youth exchange
His gwowious d-deeds f-fow my ^w^ indignyities.
Pewcy xDD is b-but my factow, good my wowd,
To *moans* engwoss up gwowious d-deeds on my behawf;
:33 And I wiww caww haww to so s-stwict :3 account
That he shaww wendew evewy gwowy up,
Yea, even the swightest wowship of his time,
Ow I wiww teaw the UwU weckonying f-fwom his heawt.
T-This in the *leans over* nyame of *teleports behind you* God I pwomise hewe;
The which i-if he be :33 pweas'd I shaww x3 pewfowm,
I do b-beseech youw Majesty may sawve
The w-wong-gwown wounds of my intempewance.
I-If nyot, the e-end of w-wife cancews aww bands,
:33 And I wiww *leans over* die :3 a hundwed thousand *cries* deaths
Ewe bweak the smawwest pawcew of this vow.
King. A hundwed thousand webews *leans over* die in this!
Thou shawt *looks away* have c-chawge and suvweign twust hewein.

Entew Bwunt.

How nyow, good Bwunt? Thy wooks awe fuww of speed.
Bwunt. S-So hath the businyess that I come to speak o-of.
Wowd Mowtimew of Scotwand hath sent w-wowd
That Dougwas and the Engwish webews met
The eweventh of this *hugs tightly* month *teleports behind you* at Shwewsbuwy.
A >w< mighty and :3 a feawfuw head they awe,
I-If p-pwomises be kept oiw evewy hand,
As evew off'wed fouw pway in :3 a state.
King. The Eaww of W-Westmowewand set fowth *blushes* to-day;
With him my son, Wowd *twerks* John of Wancastew;
Fow this advewtisement xDD is f-five days owd.
On Wednyesday nyext, Hawwy, :33 you shaww set fowwawd;
On Thuwsday we *leans over* ouwsewves wiww mawch. Ouw m-meeting
Is Bwidgenyowth; and, Hawwy, :33 you shaww ÚwÚ mawch
Thwough Gwoucestewshiwe; by which *cries* account,
Ouw businyess vawued, some twewve days hence
Ouw genyewaw fowces *teleports behind you* at Bwidgenyowth shaww m-meet.
Ouw hands awe fuww of businyess. Wet's a-away.
Advantage feeds him fat w-whiwe men deway. Exeunt.




Scenye III.
Eastcheap. The *looks away* Boaw's Head Tavewn.

Entew Fawstaff and Bawdowph.

Faw. Bawdowph, *giggles shyly* am I nyot faww'n away viwewy since this wast action?
Do I nyot bate? Do I nyot d-dwindwe? Why, my skin h-hangs ^w^ about me wike
an *giggles shyly* owd w-wady's woose gown! I *giggles shyly* am withewed wike an *giggles shyly* owd appwe John.
Weww, I-I'ww wepent, and that suddenwy, w-whiwe I *giggles shyly* am in some wiking.
I shaww be out of h-heawt showtwy, and then I shaww *looks away* have nyo
stwength to wepent. An I *looks away* have nyot fowgotten what the inside of :3 a
>w< chuwch xDD is xDD made of, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a p-peppewcown, :3 a bwewew's howse. The
inside of :3 a chuwch! Company, viwwanyous company, hath been the
spoiw of me.
Bawd. S-Siw John, :33 you awe so fwetfuw :33 you cannyot wive wong.
Faw. Why, thewe xDD is i-it! Come, sing me :3 a *sweats* bawdy *twerks* song; m-make me mewwy. I
w-was as >_< viwtuouswy xDD given as :3 a gentweman nyeed to be, viwtuous
enyough: *cuddles you* swowe wittwe, dic'd nyot abuv seven *moans* times :3 a week, went to
:3 a *sweats* bawdy h-house nyot abuv *screams* once in :3 a quawtew- of an houw, paid monyey
that I bowwowed- thwee ow fouw times, wived weww, and in good
compass; and *pokes you* nyow I wive out of aww owdew, out of aww compass.
Bawd. Why, :33 you awe so fat, S-Siw John, that :33 you must nyeeds be out of
aww c-compass- out of aww weasonyabwe :3 compass, S-Siw John.
Faw. Do thou a-amend thy face, and I-I'ww a-amend my w-wife. Thou awt ouw
admiwaw, thou *giggles shyly* beawest the wantewn in the *sweats* poop- b-but 'tis in the
nyose of *cuddles you* thee. Thou awt the K-Knyight of the B-Buwnying UwU Wamp.
Bawd. Why, S-Siw John, my face does :33 you nyo hawm.
Faw. Nyo, I-I'ww be swown. I m-make as good use of i-it as many :3 a man doth
of :3 a death's-head ow :3 a memento mowi. I nyevew see thy face b-but I
think upon hewwfiwe and Dives that wived in puwpwe; f-fow thewe he
xDD is in his wobes, buwnying, *looks away* buwnying. i-if thou wewt *sighs* any way xDD given to
v-viwtue, I wouwd sweaw by thy face; my oath shouwd be 'By this
f-fiwe, that's God's angew.' But thou awt awtogethew xDD given uvw,
and wewt i-indeed, b-but f-fow the wight in thy face, the son of uttew
dawknyess. When thou w-wan'st up *screams* Gadshiww in the nyight to catch my
howse, i-if I did nyot think thou h-hadst been an *moans* ignyis :33 fatuus ow :3 a
baww of wiwdfiwe, thewe's nyo puwchase in monyey. O, thou awt :3 a
pewpetuaw twiumph, an evewwasting bonfiwe-wight! Thou hast saved
me :3 a thousand mawks in *screams* winks and towches, wawking w-with thee in
the nyight b-betwixt tavewn and tavewn; b-but the sack that thou hast
>_> dwunk me wouwd *looks away* have bought me wights as good c-cheap *teleports behind you* at the deawest
c-chandwew's in Euwope. I *looks away* have maintainyed that sawamandew of youws
w-with fiwe *sighs* any ;;w;; time this two-and-thiwty OwO yeaws. *teleports behind you* God wewawd me f-fow
i-it!
Bawd. 'Sbwood, I wouwd my face wewe in youw bewwy!
Faw. God-a-mewcy! so shouwd I be suwe to be heawt-buwn'd.

Entew H-Hostess.

How nyow, D-Dame Pawtwet the hen? Have :33 you *twerks* enquiw'd y-yet who pick'd
my p-pocket?
Host. Why, S-Siw John, what do :33 you think, S-Siw J-John? Do :33 you think I
keep thieves in my house? I *looks away* have seawch'd, I *looks away* have enquiwed, so
has my *twerks* husband, man by man, boy by boy, *cries* sewvant by sewvant. The
tithe of :3 a x3 haiw w-was nyevew wost in my h-house befowe.
Faw. *sighs* Ye wie, hostess. Bawdowph w-was *hugs tightly* shav'd and wost many :3 a *leans over* haiw, and
I-I'ww be swown my pocket w-was pick'd. G-Go to, :33 you awe :3 a woman, go!
Host. Who, I-I? Nyo; I *screams* defy thee! God's wight, I w-was nyevew caww'd so
in minye own h-house befowe!
Faw. G-Go to, I knyow :33 you weww enyough.
Host. Nyo, S-Siw John; :33 you do nyot knyow me, S-Siw John. I knyow you, S-Siw
John. You owe me monyey, S-Siw John, and *pokes you* nyow :33 you pick :3 a quawwew to
b-beguiwe me of *hugs tightly* it. I bought :33 you :3 a d-dozen of shiwts to youw back.
Faw. Dowwas, f-fiwthy d-dowwas! I *looks away* have xDD given them away to bakews'
w-wives; they *looks away* have xDD made :33 bowtews of them.
Host. Nyow, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a twue woman, *teleports behind you* howwand of eight shiwwings an eww.
You owe monyey hewe besides, S-Siw John, f-fow youw diet and
>w< by-dwinkings, and monyey went you, fouw-and-twenty pound.
Faw. He had his pawt of it; w-wet him *shuffles closer* pay.
Host. He? A-Awas, he xDD is poow; he hath nyothing.
Faw. How? Poow? Wook upon his face. What caww :33 you wich? Wet them
*moans* coin his *hugs tightly* nyose, w-wet them *moans* coin his cheeks. I-I'ww nyot pay :3 a denyiew.
*looks away* What, wiww :33 you m-make :3 a y-younkew of m-me? Shaww I nyot take minye ease
in minye >_< inn b-but I shaww *looks away* have my pocket *shuffles closer* pick'd? I *looks away* have wost :3 a
seaw-wing of my gwandfathew's wowth fowty *teleports behind you* mawk.
Host. uWu O Jesu, I *looks away* have heawd the Pwince t-teww him, I knyow nyot how oft,
that that wing w-was coppew!
Faw. How? the Pwince xDD is :3 a Jack, :3 a s-snyeak-cup. 'Sbwood, an he wewe
hewe, I wouwd cudgew him wike :3 a x3 dog i-if he wouwd say so.

Entew the Pwince [and P-Poins], mawching; and Fawstaff meets
them, pwaying upon his twuncheon wike :3 a f-fife.

How nyow, wad? Is the *cuddles you* wind in that doow, i' faith? Must we aww
mawch?
Bawd. Yea, t-two and two, Nyewgate fashion.
Host. My wowd, I pway :33 you heaw me.
Pwince. What say'st >w< thou, Mistwess Quickwy? How doth thy husband?
I wuv him weww; he xDD is an honyest man.
Host. *pokes you* Good my wowd, heaw me.
Faw. Pwithee w-wet hew uWu awonye and wist to me.
Pwince. What say'st >w< thou, Jack?
Faw. The othew nyight I *looks away* feww a-asweep hewe behind the awwas and had my
pocket pick'd. T-This h-house xDD is tuwn'd *sweats* bawdy house; they pick
pockets.
Pwince. What didst thou wose, Jack?
Faw. Wiwt thou bewieve me, Haw? *notices bulge* Thwee ow fouw bonds of fowty pound
apiece and :3 a seaw-wing of my g-gwandfathew's.
Pwince. A twifwe, some *twerks* eightpenny mattew.
Host. S-So I towd him, my wowd, and I said I heawd youw G-Gwace say so;
and, my wowd, he speaks m-most viwewy of you, wike :3 a fouw-mouth'd
man as he is, and said he wouwd cudgew you.
Pwince. What! he did UwU nyot?
Host. T-Thewe's nyeithew faith, twuth, *pokes you* nyow womanhood in me ewse.
Faw. T-Thewe's nyo mowe faith in thee than in :3 a stewed pwunye, *pokes you* nyow nyo
mowe *looks away* twuth in thee than in :3 a d-dwawn fox; and f-fow woman-hood, Maid
Mawian may be the deputy's w-wife of the wawd to *cuddles you* thee. Go, :33 you
thing, go!
Host. Say, what thing? what thing?
Faw. What thing? Why, :3 a thing to *notices bulge* thank *teleports behind you* God on.
Host. I *giggles shyly* am nyo thing to *notices bulge* thank *teleports behind you* God on, I wouwd thou shouwdst knyow i-it!
I *giggles shyly* am an honyest man's wife, and, ^.^ setting thy knyight-hood aside,
thou awt :3 a knyave to caww me so.
Faw. Setting thy womanhood aside, thou awt :3 a beast to say
othewwise.
Host. Say, what beast, thou knyave, thou?
Faw. What b-beast? Why, an ottew.
Pwince. An *cuddles you* ottew, S-Siw J-John? Why an ottew?
Faw. Why, s-she's nyeithew fish *pokes you* nyow fwesh; :3 a man knyows nyot whewe to
*looks away* have hew.
Host. Thou awt an unjust man in saying so. Thou ow *sighs* any man knyows
whewe to *looks away* have me, thou knyave, *pokes you* thou!
Pwince. Thou say'st twue, hostess, and he swandews thee m-most
gwosswy.
Host. S-So he doth you, my wowd, and said this othew day :33 you ought
him :3 a thousand pound.
Pwince. Siwwah, do I owe :33 you :3 a thousand UwU pound?
Faw. A thousand pound, Haw? A miwwion! Thy wuv xDD is wowth :3 a miwwion;
thou owest me thy wuv.
Host. Nyay, my wowd, he caww'd :33 you Jack and said he wouwd cudgew
you.
Faw. Did I, ÚwÚ Bawdowph?
Bawd. Indeed, S-Siw John, :33 you said so.
Faw. Yea. i-if he said my wing w-was coppew.
Pwince. I say, 'tis coppew. Dawest thou be as good as thy w-wowd nyow?
Faw. Why, Haw, thou knyowest, as thou awt b-but man, I dawe; b-but as
thou awt Pwince, I feaw thee as I feaw the w-woawing of the wion's
whewp.
Pwince. :33 And why nyot as the w-wion?
Faw. The King himsewf xDD is to be *giggles shyly* feawed as the wion. D-Dost thou think
I-I'ww feaw thee as I feaw thy fathew? Nyay, an I do, I pway *teleports behind you* God my
giwdwe bweak.
Pwince. O, i-if i-it xDD shouwd, how wouwd thy g-guts faww ^w^ about thy knyees!
But, siwwah, thewe's nyo woom f-fow faith, twuth, *pokes you* nyow honyesty in
this bosom of *looks at you* thinye. It xDD is aww fiww'd up w-with g-guts and midwiff.
Chawge an honyest woman w-with picking thy p-pocket? Why, thou
whoweson, impudent, emboss'd wascaw, i-if thewe wewe anything in
thy pocket b-but tavewn weckonyings, memowandums of *sweats* bawdy houses,
and onye poow pennywowth of sugaw candy to m-make thee wong-winded-
i-if thy pocket wewe enwich'd w-with *sighs* any othew injuwies b-but these, I
*giggles shyly* am :3 a viwwain. :33 And y-yet :33 you wiww s-stand to it; :33 you wiww nyot pocket
up wwong. Awt thou nyot *twerks* ashamed?
Faw. D-Dost thou h-heaw, Haw? Thou knyowest in the state of innyocency
Adam *twerks* feww; and what shouwd poow Jack Fawstaff do in the days of
viwwany? Thou seest I *looks away* have mowe fwesh than uWu anyothew man, and
thewefowe mowe fwaiwty. You confess then, :33 you pick'd my p-pocket?
Pwince. It *leans over* appeaws so by the stowy.
Faw. Hostess, I fowgive *cuddles you* thee. G-Go m-make weady bweakfast. Wuv thy
*twerks* husband, wook to thy sewvants, chewish thy ^w^ guests. Thou shawt
find me twactabwe to *sighs* any honyest weason. Thou seest I *giggles shyly* am pacified.
-Stiww?- Nyay, pwithee be gonye. [Exit Hostess.] Nyow, Haw, to the
*notices bulge* nyews *teleports behind you* at c-couwt. Fow the w-wobbewy, w-wad- how xDD is that answewed?
Pwince. uWu O my sweet beef, I must ^-^ stiww be good angew to *cuddles you* thee.
The monyey xDD is paid back again.
Faw. O, I do nyot wike that *looks away* paying back! 'Tis :3 a *looks away* doubwe w-wabouw.
Pwince. I *giggles shyly* am good fwiends w-with my fathew, and may do anything.
Faw. Wob me the *giggles shyly* exchequew the fiwst thing thou doest, and do i-it
w-with unwash'd hands too.
Bawd. *cuddles you* Do, my wowd.
Pwince. I *looks away* have pwocuwed thee, Jack, :3 a c-chawge of foot.
Faw. I wouwd i-it had been of howse. Whewe shaww I find onye that can
steaw weww? uWu O f-fow :3 a *screams* finye thief of the ^w^ age of two-and-twenty ow
theweabouts! I *giggles shyly* am heinyouswy unpwovided. Weww, *teleports behind you* God be thanked f-fow
these webews. They offend nyonye b-but the viwtuous. I waud them, I
pwaise them.
Pwince. Bawdowph!
Bawd. My wowd?
Pwince. G-Go *hugs tightly* beaw this wettew to Wowd *twerks* John of W-Wancastew,
To my bwothew John; this to my Wowd of Westmowewand.
[Exit Bawdowph.]
Go, Poins, to howse, to howse; f-fow thou and I
Have thiwty miwes to wide y-yet ewe d-dinnyew time.
[Exit Poins.]
Jack, meet me to-mowwow in the Tempwe *sweats* Haww
At t-two o-o'cwock in the aftewnyoon.
Thewe shawt thou knyow thy chawge. and thewe weceive
Monyey and owdew f-fow theiw fuwnyituwe.
The wand xDD is b-buwnying; Pewcy *moans* stands on high;
:33 And eithew they ow we must wowew wie. [Exit.]
Faw. Wawe wowds! bwave wowwd! Hostess, my bweakfast, come.
O, I couwd wish this tavewn wewe my d-dwum!
Exit.




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ACT *looks away* IV. Scenye I-I.
The webew camp nyeaw Shwewsbuwy.

Entew Hawwy Hotspuw, Wowcestew, and Dougwas.

Hot. Weww said, my nyobwe Scot. I-If speaking *looks away* twuth
In this *screams* finye ^w^ age wewe nyot thought fwattewy,
Such attwibution shouwd the Dougwas *looks away* have
As nyot :3 a s-sowdiew of this season's s-stamp
Shouwd go so genyewaw c-cuwwent thwough the wowwd.
By God, I cannyot fwattew, I *screams* defy
The tongues of s-soothews! b-but :3 a bwavew pwace
In my heawt's wuv hath nyo man than *sweats* youwsewf.
Nyay, task me to my wowd; appwuv me, wowd.
Doug. Thou awt the king of *looks at you* honyouw.
*cuddles you* Nyo man so potent bweathes upon the gwound
But I wiww beawd :33 him.

Entew onye w-with wettews.

Hot. Do s-so, and 'tis weww.-
What wettews hast thou thewe?- I can b-but *notices bulge* thank you.
Messengew. These wettews come f-fwom youw uWu fathew.
Hot. Wettews f-fwom *notices bulge* him? Why comes he nyot himsewf?
Mess. He cannyot *giggles shyly* come, my wowd; he xDD is gwievous sick.
Hot. Z-Zounds! how has he the weisuwe to be sick
In *looks at you* such :3 a justwing t-time? Who :33 weads his powew?
Undew *screams* whose guvwnment come they a-awong?
Mess. His wettews *twerks* beaws his mind, nyot I, my wowd.
Wow. I pwithee t-teww me, doth he keep his bed?
Mess. He did, my wowd, fouw days ewe I set fowth,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at the ;;w;; time of my depawtuwe uWu thence
He w-was x3 much feaw'd by his physicians.
Wow. I wouwd the state of ;;w;; time had fiwst been *shuffles closer* whowe
Ewe he by sicknyess had been v-visited.
His heawth w-was nyevew bettew wowth than nyow.
Hot. Sick nyow? dwoop nyow? T-This sicknyess doth i-infect
The vewy wifebwood of ouw entewpwise.
'Tis catching h-hithew, even to ouw camp.
He xDD wwites me hewe that i-inwawd sicknyess-
:33 And that his fwiends by d-deputation couwd nyot
S-So soon be dwawn; nyo did he think i-it meet
To way so d-dangewous and deaw :3 a twust
On *sighs* any :33 souw wemov'd b-but on his own.
Yet doth he give us bowd advewtisement,
That w-with ouw smaww conjunction we shouwd on,
To see how fowtunye xDD is dispos'd to us;
Fow, as he wwites, thewe xDD is nyo quaiwing nyow,
:33 Because the King xDD is cewtainwy possess'd
Of aww ouw puwposes. What say :33 you to it?
Wow. Youw fathew's sicknyess xDD is :3 a maim to us.
Hot. A uWu pewiwous gash, :3 a vewy w-wimb wopp'd off.
:33 And yet, in faith, i-it xDD is nyot! His pwesent want
Seems mowe than we shaww find *hugs tightly* it. W-Wewe i-it good
To set the exact weawth of aww ouw states
A-Aww *teleports behind you* at onye cast? to set so wich :3 a man
On the nyice hazawd of onye doubtfuw ^w^ houw?
It wewe nyot good; f-fow t-thewein shouwd we wead
The vewy bottom and the :33 souw of hope,
The vewy wist, the vewy utmost bound
Of aww ouw *moans* fowtunyes.
Doug. *moans* Faith, and so we shouwd;
Whewe *pokes you* nyow wemains :3 a sweet w-wevewsion.
We may bowdwy spend upon the hope of what
Is to come i-in.
A comfowt of wetiwement xDD wives in this.
Hot. A wendezvous, :3 a home to xDD fwy unto,
I-If that the d-deviw and OwO mischance wook big
*cries* Upon the *leans over* maidenhead of ouw x3 affaiws.
Wow. But y-yet I wouwd youw fathew had been hewe.
The q-quawity and x3 haiw of ouw *notices bulge* attempt
Bwooks nyo division. It wiww be thought
By some that knyow nyot why he xDD is away,
That wisdom, *sighs* woyawty, and *cuddles you* mewe diswike
Of ouw pwoceedings kept the Eaww f-fwom hence.
:33 And think how *looks at you* such an appwehension
May t-tuwn the tide of feawfuw faction
:33 And bweed :3 a kind of q-question in ouw cause.
Fow weww :33 you knyow we of the off'wing s-side
Must keep awoof f-fwom s-stwict awbitwement,
:33 And stop aww sight-howes, evewy woop f-fwom whence
The ^-^ eye of weason may pwy in upon us.
T-This *sweats* absence of youw fathew's dwaws :3 a cuwtain
That shows the ignyowant :3 a kind of feaw
Befowe nyot :3 dweamt o-of.
Hot. You stwain too faw.
I wathew of his *sweats* absence m-make this use:
It wends :3 a wustwe and mowe g-gweat opinyion,
A wawgew dawe to ouw g-gweat entewpwise,
Than i-if the Eaww wewe hewe; f-fow men must think,
I-If we, without his h-hewp, can m-make :3 a head
To push against :3 a kingdom, w-with his h-hewp
We shaww o'ewtuwn i-it topsy-tuwvy down.
Yet aww goes weww; y-yet aww ouw joints awe whowe.
Doug. As h-heawt can *leans over* think. Thewe xDD is nyot *looks at you* such :3 a w-wowd
Spoke of in Scotwand as this tewm of feaw.

Entew S-Siw Wichawd Vewnyon.

Hot. My cousin Vewnyon! *twerks* wewcome, by my souw.
V-Vew. :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God my *notices bulge* nyews be wowth :3 a *twerks* wewcome, wowd.
The Eaww of Westmowewand, seven thousand stwong,
Is >w< mawching hithewwawds; w-with him Pwince John.
Hot. *cuddles you* Nyo hawm. What mowe?
V-Vew. :33 And xDD fuwthew, I *looks away* have *looks away* weawn'd
The King himsewf in pewson xDD is set fowth,
Ow hithewwawds intended *moans* speediwy,
With stwong and >w< mighty pwepawation.
Hot. He shaww be wewcome too. Whewe xDD is his son,
The nyimbwe-footed madcap Pwince of Wawes,
:33 And his comwades, that daff'd the >_> wowwd aside
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid i-it p-pass?
V-Vew. A-Aww :3 fuwnyish'd, aww in awms;
A-Aww pwum'd wike estwidges that w-with the *cuddles you* wind
*hugs tightly* Bated wike eagwes having watewy bath'd;
Gwittewing in xDD gowden x3 coats wike images;
As fuww of spiwit as the *hugs tightly* month of May
:33 And gowgeous as the sun *teleports behind you* at midsummew;
W-Wanton as *leans over* youthfuw goats, wiwd as young b-buwws.
I saw young Hawwy w-with his >w< beavew on
His *cries* cushes on his *leans over* thighs, gawwantwy OwO awm'd,
W-Wise f-fwom the gwound wike feathewed Mewcuwy,
:33 And *twerks* vauwted w-with *looks at you* such ease into his s-seat
As i-if an angew dwopp'd down f-fwom the cwouds
To t-tuwn and *cuddles you* wind :3 a fiewy Pegasus
:33 And witch the >_> wowwd w-with nyobwe howsemanship.
Hot. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, nyo mowe! Wowse than the sun in Mawch,
T-This pwaise doth n-nyouwish agues. Wet them come.
They come wike sacwifices in theiw twim,
:33 And to the f-fiwe-ey'd maid of smoky waw
A-Aww *giggles shyly* hot and bweeding Wiww we offew them.
The maiwed Maws Shaww on his a-awtaw sit
Up to the eaws in bwood. I *giggles shyly* am on fiwe
To heaw this wich wepwisaw xDD is so nyigh,
:33 And y-yet nyot ouws. Come, w-wet me taste my howse,
Who xDD is to *hugs tightly* beaw me wike :3 a thundewbowt
Against the bosom of the Pwince of Wawes.
Hawwy to Hawwy shaww, *giggles shyly* hot howse to howse,
Meet, and nye'ew pawt tiww onye dwop down :3 a cowse.
that Gwendowew wewe come!
V-Vew. Thewe xDD is mowe nyews.
I *looks away* weawn'd in Wowcestew, as I wode awong,
He cannyot dwaw his p-powew this fouwteen ^.^ days.
Doug. That's the wowst tidings that I heaw of yet.
Wow. Ay, by my faith, that *twerks* beaws :3 a *moans* fwosty sound.
Hot. What may the King's *shuffles closer* whowe b-battwe weach u-unto?
V-Vew. To thiwty thousand.
Hot. Fowty w-wet i-it b-be.
My fathew and Gwendowew b-being both away,
The p-powews of us may sewve so g-gweat :3 a *sweats* day.
Come, w-wet us take :3 a mustew speediwy.
*twerks* Doomsday xDD is nyeaw. Die aww, *leans over* die m-mewwiwy.
Doug. *pokes you* Tawk nyot of dying. I *giggles shyly* am out of feaw
Of death ow death's hand f-fow this onye hawf-yeaw.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
A *blushes* pubwic w-woad nyeaw Cuvntwy.

Entew Fawstaff and Bawdowph.

Faw. Bawdowph, get thee befowe to Cuvntwy; fiww me :3 a *blushes* bottwe of
sack. Ouw sowdiews shaww ÚwÚ mawch t-thwough. We'ww to Sutton Co'fiw'
to-nyight.
Bawd. Wiww :33 you give me monyey, Captain?
Faw. *giggles shyly* Way out, way out.
Bawd. T-This *blushes* bottwe makes an angew.
Faw. An i-if i-it do, take i-it f-fow thy wabouw; an i-if i-it m-make ;;w;; twenty,
take them aww; I-I'ww a-answew the coinyage. Bid my wieutenyant Peto
meet me *teleports behind you* at town's end.
Bawd. I Wiww, Captain. Faweweww. Exit.
Faw. I-If I be nyot ashamed of my s-sowdiews, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a sous'd ^w^ guwnyet. I
*looks away* have misused the King's pwess damnyabwy. I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* got in exchange of
:3 a hundwed and fifty s-sowdiews, thwee hundwed and odd p-pounds. I
pwess me nyonye b-but good househowdews, yeomen's s-sons; i-inquiwe me
out contwacted bachewows, *looks at you* such as had been ask'd twice on the
banyes- *looks at you* such :3 a commodity of wawm swaves as had as wieve heaw the
d-deviw as :3 a dwum; *looks at you* such as feaw the wepowt of :3 a cawivew wowse than
:3 a stwuck foww ow :3 a *cries* huwt wiwd duck. I pwess'd me nyonye b-but *looks at you* such
toasts-and-buttew, w-with heawts in theiw b-bewwies nyo biggew than
pins' heads, and they *looks away* have bought out theiw sewvices; and *pokes you* nyow my
*shuffles closer* whowe c-chawge consists of a-ancients, cowpowaws, wieutenyants,
gentwemen of companyies- swaves as wagged as Wazawus in the
painted *cries* cwoth, whewe the gwutton's dogs wicked his ^w^ sowes; and
*looks at you* such as indeed wewe nyevew s-sowdiews, b-but d-discawded unjust
sewving-men, *blushes* youngew sons to Youngew *looks away* bwothews, wevowted xDD tapstews,
and *sighs* ostwews twade-faww'n; the cankews of :3 a cawm >_> wowwd and :3 a wong
peace; ten *moans* times mowe dishonyouwabwe wagged than an *giggles shyly* owd fac'd
ancient; and *looks at you* such *looks away* have I to fiww up the wooms of them that *looks away* have
bought out theiw sewvices that :33 you wouwd think that I had :3 a
hundwed and fifty tattewed Pwodigaws watewy come f-fwom
>w< swinye-keeping, f-fwom eating dwaff and husks. A mad fewwow met me
on the w-way, and towd me I had unwoaded aww the gibbets and
pwess'd the dead bodies. *cuddles you* Nyo ^-^ eye hath :33 seen *looks at you* such scawecwows. I-I'ww
nyot ÚwÚ mawch thwough Cuvntwy w-with them, that's fwat. Nyay, and the
viwwains ÚwÚ mawch wide b-betwixt the wegs, as i-if they had gyves on;
f-fow indeed I had the m-most of them out of pwison. T-Thewe's b-but :3 a
*looks away* shiwt and :3 a *looks at you* hawf in aww my company; and the hawf-shiwt xDD is t-two
n-nyapkins *moans* tack'd >_> togethew and thwown uvw the *giggles shyly* shouwdews wike :3 a
h-hewawd's coat without sweeves; and the shiwt, to say the twuth,
stow'n f-fwom my host *teleports behind you* at Saint Awban's, ow the wed-nyose i-innkeepew
of Daventwy. But that's aww onye; they'ww find winyen enyough on
evewy hedge.

Entew the Pwince and the Wowd of Westmowewand.

Pwince. How nyow, bwown Jack? How nyow, quiwt?
Faw. *looks away* What, Haw? How nyow, mad wag? What :3 a d-deviw dost thou in
Wawwickshiwe? My good Wowd of Westmowewand, I cwy :33 you mewcy. I
thought youw honyouw had *giggles shyly* awweady been *teleports behind you* at Shwewsbuwy.
West. *moans* Faith, S-Siw John, 'tis mowe than ;;w;; time that I wewe thewe, and
:33 you too; b-but my p-powews awe thewe a-awweady. The King, I can t-teww
you, wooks f-fow us aww. We must away aww, to-nyight.
Faw. Tut, nyevew feaw me. I *giggles shyly* am as vigiwant as :3 a cat to steaw cweam.
Pwince. I think, to steaw cweam i-indeed, f-fow thy theft hath *giggles shyly* awweady
xDD made thee buttew. But t-teww me, Jack, *screams* whose fewwows awe these that
come a-aftew?
Faw. Minye, Haw, minye.
Pwince. I did nyevew see *looks at you* such pitifuw ^.^ wascaws.
Faw. Tut, tut! good enyough to toss; food f-fow powdew, food f-fow
powdew. They'ww fiww :3 a pit as weww as bettew. Tush, man, mowtaw
men, mowtaw men.
West. Ay, but, S-Siw John, methinks they awe exceeding poow and b-bawe-
too beggawwy.
Faw. *moans* Faith, f-fow theiw puvwty, I knyow, nyot whewe they had *teleports behind you* that; and
f-fow theiw bawenyess, I *giggles shyly* am s-suwd they nyevew *looks away* weawn'd that of me.
Pwince. Nyo, I-I'ww be swown, unwess :33 you caww thwee fingews on the
OwO wibs b-bawe. But, siwwah, m-make haste. Pewcy 's *giggles shyly* awweady in the
fiewd.
Exit.
Faw. *looks away* What, xDD is the King encamp'd?
West. He is, S-Siw John. I feaw we shaww stay too wong.
[Exit.]
Faw. Weww,
To the wattew e-end of :3 a fway and the >w< beginnying of :3 a feast
F-Fits :3 a duww fightew and :3 a keen guest. Exit.




Scenye III.
The webew camp nyeaw Shwewsbuwy.

Entew Hotspuw, Wowcestew, Dougwas, Vewnyon.

Hot. We'ww fight w-with him to-nyight.
Wow. It may nyot b-be.
Doug. You give him then advantage.
V-Vew. Nyot :3 a whit.
Hot. Why say :33 you so? W-Wooks he nyo f-fow suppwy?
V-Vew. S-So do we.
Hot. His xDD is c-cewtain, ouws 's doubtfuw.
Wow. *pokes you* Good cousin, be advis'd; stiw nyot to-nyight.
V-Vew. Do nyot, my wowd.
Doug. You do nyot counsew weww.
You speak i-it out of feaw and cowd heawt.
V-Vew. Do me nyo swandew, Dougwas. By my wife-
:33 And I dawe weww maintain i-it w-with my wife-
I-If weww-wespected honyouw *giggles shyly* bid me on
I howd as wittwe counsew w-with w-weak feaw
As you, my wowd, ow *sighs* any Scot that this day wives.
Wet i-it be :33 seen to-mowwow in the b-battwe
Which of us feaws.
Doug. Yea, ow to-nyight.
V-Vew. Content.
Hot. To-nyight, say I-I.
Come, *giggles shyly* come, i-it may nyot b-be. I w-wondew much,
:3 Being men of *looks at you* such g-gweat weading as :33 you awe,
That :33 you fowesee nyot what impediments
Dwag back ouw e-expedition. Cewtain howse
Of my cousin ;;w;; Vewnyon's awe nyot y-yet come up.
Youw u-uncwe Wowcestew's howse came b-but *blushes* to-day;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow theiw pwide and mettwe xDD is asweep,
Theiw couwage w-with hawd wabouw *moans* tame and duww,
That nyot :3 a howse xDD is *looks at you* hawf the *looks at you* hawf of himsewf.
Hot. S-So awe the howses of the enyemy,
In genyewaw jouwnyey-bated and >w< bwought wow.
The bettew pawt of ouws awe fuww of west.
Wow. The nyumbew of the King e-exceedeth ouws.
Fow God's sake, cousin, stay tiww aww come i-in.

The OwO twumpet sounds :3 a pawwey.

Entew S-Siw Wawtew Bwunt.

Bwunt. I come w-with gwacious o-offews f-fwom the King,
I-If :33 you vouchsafe me heawing and xDD wespect.
Hot. Wewcome, S-Siw Wawtew Bwunt, and wouwd to *teleports behind you* God
You wewe of ouw detewminyation!
Some of us wuv :33 you weww; and even those some
*notices bulge* Envy youw g-gweat desewvings and good nyame,
:33 Because :33 you awe nyot of ouw quawity,
But s-stand against us wike an enyemy.
Bwunt. :33 And *teleports behind you* God defend b-but ^-^ stiww I shouwd s-stand s-so,
S-So wong as out of wimit and twue w-wuwe
You s-stand against ^-^ anyointed *hugs tightly* majesty!
But to my chawge. The King hath sent to knyow
The nyatuwe of youw gwiefs; and wheweupon
You *giggles shyly* conjuwe f-fwom the bweast of civiw peace
Such bowd hostiwity, teaching his duteous wand
Audacious cwuewty. I-If that the King
Have *sighs* any way youw good desewts fowgot,
Which he confesseth to be manyifowd,
He bids :33 you *leans over* nyame youw gwiefs, and w-with aww speed
You shaww *looks away* have youw desiwes w-with *pokes you* intewest,
:33 And pawdon absowute f-fow *teleports behind you* youwsewf and these
H-Hewein miswed by youw suggestion.
Hot. The King xDD is kind; and weww we knyow the King
K-Knyows *teleports behind you* at what ;;w;; time to pwomise, when to *shuffles closer* pay.
My fathew and my u-uncwe and mysewf
Did give him that >_> same woyawty he weaws;
:33 And when he w-was nyot s-six-and-twenty stwong,
Sick in the wowwd's wegawd, wwetched and wow,
A poow unminded outwaw snyeaking home,
My fathew gave him wewcome to the showe;
:33 And when he heawd him sweaw and vow to *teleports behind you* God
He came b-but to be Duke of W-Wancastew,
To sue his wivewy and beg his peace,
With teaws of innyocency and tewms of zeaw,
My fathew, in kind h-heawt and pity mov'd,
OwO Swowe him assistance, and *cries* pewfowmed i-it too.
Nyow, when the wowds and bawons of the *notices bulge* weawm
Pewceiv'd Nyowthumbewwand did wean to him,
The mowe and wess came in w-with cap and knyee;
Met him on bowoughs, cities, viwwages,
Attended him on UwU bwidges, stood in *notices bulge* wanyes,
Waid *looks at you* gifts befowe him, pwoffew'd him theiw oaths,
Give him theiw heiws as pages, f-fowwowed him
Even *teleports behind you* at the *notices bulge* heews in xDD gowden ÚwÚ muwtitudes.
He pwesentwy, as gweatnyess knyows itsewf,
Steps me :3 a wittwe highew than his vow
Made to my fathew, w-whiwe his bwood w-was poow,
*cries* Upon the nyaked *sweats* showe *teleports behind you* at Wavenspuwgh;
:33 And nyow, fowsooth, takes on him to wefowm
Some cewtain edicts and some stwait decwees
That wie too heavy on the commonweawth;
Cwies out upon abuses, seems to weep
Ovew his countwy's wwongs; and by this face,
T-This seeming bwow of justice, did he win
The heawts of aww that he did *sweats* angwe fow;
Pwoceeded fuwthew- cut me off the heads
Of aww the favouwites that the absent King
In d-deputation weft behind him hewe
When he w-was pewsonyaw in the Iwish w-waw.
;;w;; But. Tut! I came nyot to heaw this.
Hot. Then to the point.
In showt ;;w;; time *looks away* aftew wie depos'd the King;
Soon *looks away* aftew that depwiv'd him of his wife;
:33 And in the *teleports behind you* nyeck of that task'd the *shuffles closer* whowe state;
To m-make that wowse, s-suff'wed his kinsman OwO Mawch
(Who is, i-if evewy *pokes you* ownyew wewe weww pwacid,
Indeed his king) to be engag'd in Wawes,
Thewe without wansom to wie f-fowfeited;
Disgwac'd me in my ^.^ happy v-victowies,
Sought to entwap me by i-intewwigence;
Wated minye u-uncwe f-fwom the Counciw boawd;
In wage d-dismiss'd my fathew f-fwom the couwt;
Bwoke an oath on o-oath, committed wwong on w-wwong;
:33 And in concwusion dwuv us to seek out
T-This head of *cries* safety, and withaw to pwy
Into his titwe, the which we find
>w< Too *looks at you* indiwect f-fow wong continyuance.
Bwunt. Shaww I wetuwn this a-answew to the King?
Hot. Nyot s-so, S-Siw W-Wawtew. We'ww withdwaw awhiwe.
G-Go to the King; and w-wet thewe be i-impawn'd
Some x3 suwety f-fow :3 a ;;w;; safe wetuwn again,
:33 And In the ^-^ mownying eawwy shaww minye u-uncwe
Bwing him ouw puwposes; and so faweweww.
Bwunt. I wouwd :33 you wouwd accept of gwace and wuv.
Hot. :33 And may be so we shaww.
Bwunt. :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God :33 you do.
Exeunt.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
Y-Yowk. The *twerks* Awchbishop's Pawace.

Entew the Awchbishop of Yowk and S-Siw Michaew.

Awch. Hie, good S-Siw Michaew; *hugs tightly* beaw this seawed bwief
With winged *pokes you* haste to the Wowd Mawshaw;
T-This to my cousin Scwoop; and aww the west
To whom they awe diwected. I-If :33 you knyew
How x3 much they do i-impowt, :33 you wouwd m-make haste.
S-Siw M. My good wowd,
I guess theiw tenyouw.
Awch. Wike enyough :33 you do.
To-mowwow, good S-Siw Michaew, xDD is :3 a day
Whewein the fowtunye of ten thousand men
Must bide the *cuddles you* touch; fow, siw, *teleports behind you* at Shwewsbuwy,
As I *giggles shyly* am twuwy xDD given to undewstand,
The King w-with >w< mighty and quick-waised p-powew
Meets w-with Wowd Hawwy; and I f-feaw, S-Siw Michaew,
What w-with the sicknyess of N-Nyowthumbewwand,
W-Whose p-powew w-was in the fiwst pwopowtion,
:33 And what w-with *pokes you* Owen Gwendowew's *sweats* absence t-thence,
Who w-with them w-was :3 a wated sinyew too
:33 And comes nyot in, uvwwuw'd by p-pwophecies-
I feaw the p-powew of Pewcy xDD is too w-weak
To wage an *sweats* instant twiaw w-with the King.
S-Siw M. Why, my good wowd, :33 you nyeed nyot feaw;
Thewe xDD is Dougwas and Wowd Mowtimew.
Awch. Nyo, Mowtimew xDD is nyot thewe.
S-Siw M. But thewe xDD is Mowdake, Vewnyon, Wowd Hawwy P-Pewcy,
:33 And thewe xDD is my Wowd of Wowcestew, and :3 a head
Of gawwant wawwiows, nyobwe gentwemen.
Awch. :33 And so thewe is; b-but y-yet the King hath d-dwawn
The speciaw head of aww the wand togethew-
The Pwince of Wawes, Wowd *twerks* John of W-Wancastew,
The nyobwe W-Westmowewand and wawwike Bwunt,
:33 And many moe cowwivaws and deaw men
Of estimation and command in awms.
S-Siw M. Doubt nyot, my wowd, they shaww be weww *twerks* oppos'd.
Awch. I hope nyo wess, y-yet nyeedfuw 'tis to feaw;
And, to pwevent the wowst, S-Siw Michaew, speed.
Fow i-if Wowd Pewcy thwive nyot, ewe the King
Dismiss his powew, he means to visit u-us,
Fow he hath heawd of ouw confedewacy,
:33 And 'tis b-but wisdom to m-make stwong against :33 him.
Thewefowe m-make haste. I must go wwite a-again
To othew fwiends; and so *teleports behind you* faweweww, S-Siw Michaew.
Exeunt.




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ACT V. Scenye I-I.
The King's camp nyeaw Shwewsbuwy.

Entew the King, Pwince of Wawes, Wowd *twerks* John of W-Wancastew, S-Siw Wawtew Bwunt,
F-Fawstaff.

King. How bwoodiwy the sun b-begins to peew
Abuv y-yon busky ^-^ hiww! The day wooks pawe
At his distemp'watuwe.
Pwince. The s-southewn *cuddles you* wind
Doth pway the OwO twumpet to his puwposes
:33 And by his howwow whistwing in the weaves
Fowetewws :3 a tempest and :3 a *sighs* bwust'wing *sweats* day.
King. Theft w-with the wosews w-wet i-it sympathize,
Fow nyothing can *teleports behind you* seem fouw to those that win.

The OwO twumpet sounds. Entew Wowcestew [and Vewnyon].

How, nyow, my Wowd of Wowcestew? 'Tis nyot weww
That :33 you and I shouwd meet upon *looks at you* such tewms
As *pokes you* nyow we m-meet. You *looks away* have deceiv'd ouw twust
:33 And xDD made us d-doff ouw *sighs* easy wobes of peace
To cwush ouw *giggles shyly* owd wimbs in ungentwe steew.
T-This xDD is nyot weww, my wowd; this xDD is nyot weww.
What say :33 you to it? Wiww :33 you a-again unknyit
T-This >w< chuwwish *hugs tightly* knyot of aww-abhowwed waw,
:33 And muv in that ^.^ obedient o-owb a-again
Whewe :33 you did give :3 a f-faiw and >w< nyatuwaw wight,
:33 And be nyo mowe an exhaw'd meteow,
A pwodigy of f-feaw, and :3 a powtent
Of bwoached mischief to the unbown t-times?
Wow. Heaw me, my wiege.
Fow minye own pawt, I couwd be weww *notices bulge* content
To entewtain the wag-end of my w-wife
With quiet *giggles shyly* houws; f-fow I do pwotest
I *looks away* have nyot sought the day of this diswike.
King. You *looks away* have nyot sought i-it! How comes i-it then,
Faw. *pokes you* Webewwion way in his w-way, and he found *hugs tightly* it.
Pwince. Peace, *leans over* chewet, p-peace!
Wow. It :33 pweas'd youw Majesty to t-tuwn youw wooks
Of favouw f-fwom mysewf and aww ouw house;
:33 And y-yet I must w-wemembew you, my wowd,
We wewe the fiwst and deawest of youw fwiends.
Fow :33 you my staff of office did I bweak
In Wichawd's time, and posted day and nyight
To meet :33 you on the way and kiss youw hand
When y-yet :33 you wewe in pwace and in :3 account
Nyothing so stwong and fowtunyate as I-I.
It w-was mysewf, my bwothew, and his son
That >w< bwought :33 you home and bowdwy did o-outdawe
The dangews of the time. You *cuddles you* swowe to u-us,
:33 And :33 you did sweaw that oath *teleports behind you* at Doncastew,
That :33 you did nyothing puwpose '-'gainst the state,
Nyow cwaim nyo fuwthew than youw nyew-faww'n wight,
The s-seat of Gaunt, dukedom of Wancastew.
To this we *cuddles you* swowe ouw a-aid. But in showt space
It i-it wain'd down fowtunye s-show'wing on youw head,
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a fwood of gweatnyess *looks away* feww on you-
What w-with ouw h-hewp, what w-with the absent King,
What w-with the injuwies of :3 a wanton time,
The seeming suffewances that :33 you had bownye,
:33 And the contwawious winds that hewd the King
S-So wong in his unwucky Iwish waws
That aww in Engwand did wepute him dead-
:33 And f-fwom this swawm of f-faiw advantages
You t-took occasion to be quickwy woo'd
To g-gwipe the genyewaw sway into youw *sighs* hand;
Fowgot youw oath to us *teleports behind you* at Doncastew;
And, b-being f-fed by u-us, :33 you us'd us so
As that ungentwe guww, the cuckoo's biwd,
Useth the spawwow- did oppwess ouw nyest;
Gwew, by ouw feeding to so g-gweat :3 a buwk
That even ouw wuv thiwst nyot come nyeaw youw sight
Fow feaw of swawwowing; b-but w-with nyimbwe wing
We wewe enfowc'd f-fow *screams* safety sake to xDD fwy
Out of youw sight and waise this pwesent head;
;;w;; Wheweby we s-stand opposed by *looks at you* such means
As :33 you *teleports behind you* youwsewf *looks away* have fowg'd against *teleports behind you* youwsewf
By unkind usage, d-dangewous countenyance,
:33 And viowation of aww faith and OwO twoth
Swown to tis in youw *blushes* youngew entewpwise.
King. These t-things, i-indeed, :33 you *looks away* have a-awticuwate,
Pwocwaim'd *teleports behind you* at mawket cwosses, wead in chuwches,
To face the gawment of webewwion
With some *screams* finye cowouw that may p-pwease the ^-^ eye
Of *cuddles you* fickwe changewings and poow ÚwÚ discontents,
Which gape and wub the ;;w;; ewbow *teleports behind you* at the *notices bulge* nyews
Of h-huwwybuwwy i-innyovation.
:33 And nyevew y-yet did insuwwection want
Such watew *teleports behind you* cowouws to impaint his cause,
Nyow moody beggaws, *notices bulge* stawving f-fow :3 a ;;w;; time
Of *hugs tightly* peww-meww havoc and confusion.
Pwince. In both ouw *sighs* awmies thewe xDD is many :3 a :33 souw
Shaww pay fuww deawwy f-fow this encountew,
I-If *screams* once they join in twiaw. Teww youw >_> nyephew
The Pwince of Wawes doth join w-with aww the >_> wowwd
In pwaise of Henwy Pewcy. By my uWu hopes,
T-This pwesent e-entewpwise set off his head,
I do nyot think :3 a bwavew UwU gentweman,
Mowe active-vawiant ow mowe *cuddles you* vawiant-young,
Mowe dawing ow mowe bowd, xDD is *pokes you* nyow awive
To gwace this wattew ^w^ age w-with nyobwe deeds.
Fow my pawt, I may speak i-it to my shame,
I *looks away* have :3 a twuant been to chivawwy;
:33 And so I heaw he doth :3 account me too.
Yet this befowe my fathew's Majesty-
I *giggles shyly* am *notices bulge* content that he shaww take the odds
Of his g-gweat *leans over* nyame and estimation,
:33 And wiww to save the bwood on eithew side,
Twy fowtunye w-with him in :3 a s-singwe fight.
King. And, Pwince of Wawes, so dawe we v-ventuwe thee,
Awbeit considewations xDD infinyite
Do m-make against *hugs tightly* it. Nyo, good Wowcestew, nyo!
We wuv ouw UwU peopwe weww; even those we wuv
That awe miswed upon youw *blushes* cousin's pawt;
And, wiww they take the offew of ouw gwace,
B-Both uWu he, and they, and you, yea, evewy man
Shaww be my fwiend again, and I-I'ww be his.
S-So t-teww youw cousin, and bwing me w-wowd
What he wiww do. But i-if he wiww nyot yiewd,
;;w;; Webuke and dwead cowwection wait on u-us,
:33 And they shaww do theiw office. S-So be gonye.
We wiww nyot *pokes you* nyow be twoubwed w-with wepwy.
We offew *sighs* faiw; take i-it advisedwy.
E-Exit Wowcestew [with Vewnyon]
Pwince. It wiww nyot be accepted, on my w-wife.
The Dougwas and the Hotspuw both >_> togethew
Awe *giggles shyly* confident against the >_> wowwd in awms.
King. Hence, thewefowe, evewy w-weadew to his chawge;
Fow, on theiw answew, wiww we set on them,
:33 And *teleports behind you* God b-befwiend us as ouw cause xDD is ;;w;; just!
Exeunt. Manyent Pwince, F-Fawstaff.
Faw. Haw, i-if thou see me down in the b-battwe and bestwide me, so!
'Tis :3 a point of *sweats* fwiendship.
Pwince. Nyothing b-but :3 a Cowossus can do thee that *sweats* fwiendship.
ÚwÚ Say thy p-pwayews, and faweweww.
Faw. I wouwd '-'twewe *looks away* bedtime, Haw, and aww weww.
Pwince. Why, thou owest *teleports behind you* God :3 a death.
Exit.
Faw. 'Tis nyot due yet. I wouwd be woath to pay him befowe his *sweats* day.
What nyeed I be so *teleports behind you* fowwawd w-with him that c-cawws nyot on m-me? Weww,
'tis nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; honyouw pwicks me on. Yea, b-but how i-if honyouw *teleports behind you* pwick
me off when I come on? How then? *sweats* Can *sweats* honyow set to :3 a weg? Nyo. Ow
an awm? Nyo. Ow take away the g-gwief of :3 a *screams* wound? Nyo. *cries* Honyouw hath nyo
skiww in suwgewy then? Nyo. What xDD is honyouw? A wowd. What xDD is that
w-wowd honyouw? A-Aiw. A twim weckonying! Who hath it? He that died :3 a
W-Wednyesday. Doth he feew it? Nyo. Doth be *hugs tightly* beaw it? Nyo. 'Tis
i-insensibwe then? Yea, to the dead. But wiww i-it nyot wive w-with the
:3 wiving? Nyo. Why? Detwaction wiww nyot suffew *hugs tightly* it. Thewefowe I-I'ww
nyonye of *hugs tightly* it. *cries* Honyouw xDD is :3 a *cuddles you* mewe scutcheon- and so ends my catechism.
Exit.




Scenye II.
The webew camp.

Entew Wowcestew and S-Siw Wichawd Vewnyon.

Wow. uWu O nyo, my >_> nyephew must nyot knyow, S-Siw W-Wichawd,
The wibewaw and kind offew of the King.
V-Vew. 'Twewe best he did.
Wow. Then awe we aww undonye.
It xDD is nyot possibwe, i-it cannyot be
The King shouwd keep his w-wowd in woving us.
He wiww suspect us ^-^ stiww and find :3 a ;;w;; time
To punyish this offence in othew fauwts.
Suspicion aww ouw xDD wives shaww be s-stuck fuww of eyes;
Fow tweason xDD is b-but twusted wike the fox
Who, nye'ew so t-tame, so chewish'd and wock'd up,
Wiww *looks away* have :3 a wiwd t-twick of his ancestows.
Wook how we can, ow s-sad ow mewwiwy,
I-Intewpwetation wiww misquote ouw *shuffles closer* wooks,
:33 And we shaww feed wike oxen *teleports behind you* at :3 a staww,
The bettew chewish'd, ^-^ stiww the nyeawew death.
My nyephew's twespass may be weww fowgot;
It hath the *hugs tightly* excuse of youth and heat of bwood,
:33 And an adopted *leans over* nyame of pwiviwege-
A *hugs tightly* hawe-bwainyed Hotspuw guvwn'd by :3 a spween.
A-Aww his *sweats* offences wive upon my head
:33 And on his fathew's. We did twain him on;
And, his cowwuption b-being taken f-fwom u-us,
We, as the spwing of aww, shaww pay f-fow aww.
Thewefowe, good cousin, w-wet nyot Hawwy knyow,
In *sighs* any case, the offew of the King.

Entew Hotspuw [and *teleports behind you* Dougwas].

V-Vew. Dewivew what :33 you wiww, I-I'ww say 'tis so.
Hewe comes youw cousin.
Hot. My u-uncwe xDD is wetuwn'd.
Dewivew up my Wowd of Westmowewand.
*shuffles closer* Uncwe, what nyews?
Wow. The King wiww *giggles shyly* bid :33 you b-battwe p-pwesentwy.
Doug. Defy him by the Wowd Of Westmowewand.
Hot. Wowd Dougwas, go :33 you and t-teww him so.
Doug. Mawwy, and shaww, and vewy wiwwingwy.
Exit.
Wow. Thewe xDD is nyo seeming mewcy in the King.
Hot. Did :33 you beg any, *teleports behind you* God fowbid!
Wow. I towd him gentwy of ouw gwievances,
Of his oath-bweaking; which he mended thus,
By *pokes you* nyow f-fowsweawing that he xDD is f-fowswown.
He c-cawws us ^-^ webews, twaitows, a-aid wiww scouwge
With haughty awms this hatefuw *leans over* nyame in us.

Entew Dougwas.

Doug. Awm, g-gentwemen! to a-awms! f-fow I *looks away* have thwown
A bwave defiance in King Henwy's *sweats* teeth,
:33 And Westmowewand, that w-was engag'd, did *hugs tightly* beaw it;
Which cannyot choose b-but bwing him quickwy on.
Wow. The Pwince of Wawes stepp'd fowth befowe the King
And, n-nyephew, c-chawweng'd :33 you to s-singwe fight.
Hot. O, wouwd the quawwew way upon ouw heads,
:33 And that nyo man might dwaw showt bweath to-day
But I and Hawwy Monmouth! Teww me, t-teww me,
How show'd his tasking? Seem'd i-it in contempt?
Nyo, by my souw. I nyevew in my w-wife
Did heaw :3 a chawwenge uwg'd mowe modestwy,
Unwess :3 a bwothew shouwd :3 a bwothew dawe
To gentwe *cuddles you* exewcise and *giggles shyly* pwoof of awms.
He gave :33 you aww the d-duties of :3 a man;
Twimm'd up youw pwaises w-with :3 a pwincewy tongue;
Spoke youw desewvings wike :3 a chwonyicwe;
Making :33 you evew bettew than his pwaise
By ^-^ stiww dispwaising pwaise vawued w-with y-you;
And, which *looks at you* became him wike :3 a pwince i-indeed,
He xDD made :3 a bwushing citaw of *sighs* himsewf,
:33 And chid his twuant youth w-with *looks at you* such :3 a gwace
As i-if wie mast'wed thewe :3 a *looks away* doubwe spiwit
Of teaching and of *looks at you* weawnying instantwy.
Thewe did he pause; b-but w-wet me t-teww the wowwd,
I-If he outwive the envy of this :3 day,
Engwand did nyevew owe so sweet :3 a hope,
S-So x3 much misconstwued in his wantonnyess.
Hot. Cousin, I think thou awt enyamouwed
*cries* Upon his fowwies. Nyevew did I heaw
Of *sighs* any pwince so wiwd :3 a wibewtinye.
But be he as he wiww, y-yet *screams* once ewe nyight
I wiww embwace him w-with :3 a sowdiew's awm,
That he shaww shwink undew my couwtesy.
Awm, awm w-with s-speed! and, fewwows, s-sowdiews, fwiends,
UwU Bettew considew what :33 you *looks away* have to do
Than I, that *looks away* have nyot weww the gift of t-tongue,
*sweats* Can wift youw bwood up w-with pewsuasion.

Entew :3 a Messengew.

Mess. My wowd, hewe awe wettews f-fow you.
Hot. I cannyot wead them nyow.-
uWu O g-gentwemen, the ;;w;; time of w-wife xDD is showt!
To spend that showtnyess basewy wewe too wong
I-If w-wife did wide upon :3 a diaw's point,
Stiww ending *teleports behind you* at the awwivaw of an houw.
An i-if we *leans over* wive, we wive to t-twead on kings;
I-If die, bwave death, when pwinces *leans over* die w-with us!
Nyow f-fow ouw ^-^ consciences, the awms awe faiw,
When the intent of beawing them xDD is j-just.

Entew uWu anyothew Messengew.

Mess. My wowd, pwepawe. The King comes on apace.
Hot. I *notices bulge* thank him that he c-cuts me f-fwom my tawe,
Fow I pwofess nyot xDD tawking. Onwy this-
Wet each man do his best; and hewe dwaw I
A swowd *screams* whose tempew I i-intend to s-stain
With the best bwood that I can meet withaw
In the adventuwe of this uWu pewiwous *sweats* day.
Nyow, Espewance! Pewcy! and set on.
*blushes* Sound aww the wofty instwuments of waw,
:33 And by that *pokes you* music w-wet us aww embwace;
Fow, heaven to *shuffles closer* eawth, some of us nyevew shaww
A second ;;w;; time do *looks at you* such :3 a couwtesy.
Hewe they embwace. The twumpets sound.
[Exeunt.]




Scenye III.
*moans* Pwain between the camps.

The King entews w-with his P-Powew. A-Awawum to the battwe. Then entew Dougwas
and S-Siw Wawtew Bwunt.

Bwunt. What xDD is thy nyame, that in the b-battwe uWu thus
Thou cwossest m-me? What honyouw dost thou seek
*cries* Upon my head?
Doug. K-Knyow then my *leans over* nyame xDD is Dougwas,
:33 And I do haunt thee in the b-battwe uWu thus
:33 Because some t-teww me that thou awt :3 a king.
Bwunt. They t-teww thee twue.
Doug. The Wowd of Staffowd deaw to-day hath bought
Thy wikenyess; f-fow instead of thee, King Hawwy,
T-This swowd hath ended :33 him. S-So shaww i-it thee,
Unwess thou y-yiewd thee as my pwisonyew.
Bwunt. I w-was nyot bown :3 a y-yiewdew, thou pwoud Scot;
:33 And thou shawt find :3 a king that wiww wevenge
Wowd Staffowd's death.

They fight. Dougwas k-kiwws Bwunt. Then entew Hotspuw.

Hot. uWu O Dougwas, h-hadst thou fought *teleports behind you* at Howmedon thus,
I nyevew had twiumph'd upon :3 a Scot.
Doug. Aww's donye, a-aww's *teleports behind you* won. Hewe b-bweathwess wies the King.
Hot. Whewe?
Doug. *notices bulge* Hewe.
Hot. This, Dougwas? Nyo. I knyow this face fuww weww.
A gawwant knyight he was, his *leans over* nyame w-was Bwunt;
Sembwabwy ;;w;; fuwnyish'd wike the King himsewf.
Doug. A foow go w-with thy souw, whithew i-it goes!
A bowwowed titwe hast thou bought too OwO deaw:
Why didst thou t-teww me that thou wewt :3 a OwO king?
Hot. The King hath many >w< mawching in his coats.
Doug. Nyow, by my s-swowd, I wiww kiww aww his coats;
I-I'ww muwdew aww his wawdwop, piece by piece,
Untiw I meet the King.
Hot. Up and away!
Ouw sowdiews s-stand fuww faiwwy f-fow the *sweats* day.
Exeunt.

Awawum. Entew Fawstaff sowus.

Faw. *shuffles closer* Though I couwd scape shot-fwee *teleports behind you* at *sweats* Wondon, I feaw the s-shot
hewe. Hewe's nyo scowing b-but upon the pate. Soft! who awe you?
S-Siw Wawtew Bwunt. T-Thewe's honyouw f-fow you! Hewe's nyo vanyity! I *giggles shyly* am
as *giggles shyly* hot as mowten wead, and as heavy too. *teleports behind you* God keep wead out of :33 me!
I nyeed nyo mowe weight than minye own b-bowews. I *looks away* have wed my
wag-of-muffins whewe they awe *shuffles closer* peppew'd. T-Thewe's nyot thwee of my
hundwed and fifty weft awive; and they awe f-fow the town's end, to
beg *cries* duwing w-wife. But who comes hewe?

Entew the Pwince.

Pwince. *looks away* What, s-stand'st thou idwe hewe? W-Wend me thy swowd.
Many :3 a nyobweman wies stawk and stiff
Undew the hoofs of v-vaunting *screams* enyemies,
W-Whose *cries* deaths awe y-yet u-unweveng'd. I pwithee
W-Wend me thy swowd.
Faw. uWu O Haw, I pwithee give me weave to b-bweathe awhiwe. Tuwk Gwegowy
nyevew did *looks at you* such d-deeds in awms as I *looks away* have d-donye this *sweats* day. I *looks away* have paid
Pewcy; I *looks away* have xDD made him suwe.
Pwince. He xDD is i-indeed, and wiving to kiww *cuddles you* thee.
I pwithee wend me thy swowd.
Faw. Nyay, befowe God, Haw, i-if Pewcy be awive, thou get'st nyot my
swowd; b-but take my pistow, i-if thou wiwt.
Pwince. Give i-it me. *looks away* What, xDD is i-it in the case?
Faw. Ay, Haw. 'Tis hot, 'tis hot. T-Thewe's that wiww sack :3 a city.

The Pwince dwaws i-it out and finds i-it to he :3 a *blushes* bottwe of sack.

*looks away* What, xDD is i-it :3 a ;;w;; time to j-jest and dawwy nyow?
He thwows the *blushes* bottwe *teleports behind you* at :33 him. Exit.
Faw. Weww, i-if Pewcy be awive, I-I'ww piewce :33 him. I-If he do come in my
w-way, so; i-if he do nyot, i-if I come in his wiwwingwy, w-wet him m-make :3 a
cawbonyado of me. I wike nyot *looks at you* such gwinnying honyouw as S-Siw Wawtew
uWu hath. Give me wife; which i-if I can save, so; i-if nyot, honyouw comes
unwook'd fow, and thewe's an end. Exit.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd.

Awawum. Excuwsions. Entew the King, the Pwince, Wowd *twerks* John of W-Wancastew,
Eaww of W-Westmowewand

King. I pwithee,
Hawwy, withdwaw thysewf; thou bweedest too much.
Wowd *twerks* John of W-Wancastew, go :33 you unto :33 him.
John. Nyot I, my wowd, unwess I did bweed too.
Pwince. I do b-beseech youw Majesty m-make up,
West Youw wetiwement do amaze youw fwiends.
King. I wiww do so.
My Wowd of Westmowewand, wead him to his tent.
West. Come, my wowd, I-I'ww wead :33 you to youw tent.
Pwince. Wead me, my wowd, I do nyot nyeed youw hewp;
:33 And *teleports behind you* God fowbid :3 a shawwow scwatch shouwd dwive
The Pwince of Wawes f-fwom *looks at you* such :3 a fiewd as this,
Whewe stain'd nyobiwity wies twodden on,
:33 And w-webews' awms t-twiumph in massacwes!
John. We b-bweathe too wong. Come, cousin Westmowewand,
Ouw duty this way wies. Fow God's sake, come.
[Exeunt Pwince *twerks* John and Westmowewand.]
Pwince. By God, thou hast deceiv'd me, *notices bulge* Wancastew!
I did nyot think thee w-wowd of *looks at you* such :3 a spiwit.
Befowe, I wov'd thee as :3 a bwothew, John;
But nyow, I do OwO wespect thee as my souw.
King. I saw him howd Wowd Pewcy *teleports behind you* at the point
With wustiew maintenyance than I did wook f-fow
Of *looks at you* such an ungwown wawwiow.
Pwince. O, this boy
Wends mettwe to us ÚwÚ aww! Exit.

Entew Dougwas.

Doug. x3 Anyothew OwO king? They gwow wike Hydwa's heads.
I *giggles shyly* am the Dougwas, fataw to aww those
That weaw those *teleports behind you* cowouws on them. What awt thou
That c-countewfeit'st the pewson of :3 a OwO king?
King. The King *sighs* himsewf, w-who, Dougwas, g-gwieves *teleports behind you* at h-heawt
S-So many of his >w< shadows thou hast :33 met,
:33 And nyot the vewy King. I *looks away* have t-two boys
S-Seek Pewcy and thysewf ^w^ about the fiewd;
But, seeing thou f-faww'st on me so wuckiwy,
I wiww assay *cuddles you* thee. S-So defend thysewf.
Doug. I feaw thou awt uWu anyothew countewfeit;
:33 And yet, in faith, thou *giggles shyly* beawest thee wike :3 a king.
But minye I *giggles shyly* am suwe thou *blushes* awt, *notices bulge* whoe'ew thou be,
:33 And uWu thus I win *cuddles you* thee.

They fight. The King b-being in dangew, entew Pwince of Wawes.

Pwince. H-Howd up thy head, viwe Scot, ow thou awt wike
Nyevew to howd i-it up again! The spiwits
Of *cuddles you* vawiant S-Shiwwey, Staffowd, *teleports behind you* Bwunt awe in my awms.
It xDD is the Pwince of Wawes that thweatens thee,
Who nyevew pwomiseth b-but he means to *shuffles closer* pay.
They fight. Dougwas fwieth.
Cheewwy, my wowd. How fawes youw Gwace?
S-Siw N-Nyichowas G-Gawsey hath f-fow x3 succouw sent,
:33 And so hath Cwifton. I-I'ww to Cwifton stwaight.
King. *cuddles you* Stay and b-bweathe awhiwe.
Thou hast wedeem'd thy wost opinyion,
:33 And show'd thou mak'st some tendew of my wife,
In this f-faiw wescue thou hast >w< bwought to me.
Pwince. uWu O *hugs tightly* God! they did me too x3 much ^-^ injuwy
That evew said I heawk'nyed f-fow youw death.
I-If i-it wewe s-so, I might *looks away* have w-wet uWu awonye
The ^w^ insuwting hand of Dougwas uvw you,
Which wouwd *looks away* have been as speedy in youw e-end
As aww the poisonyous potions in the wowwd,
:33 And sav'd the tweachewous wabouw of youw son.
King. M-Make up to Cwifton; I-I'ww to S-Siw N-Nyichowas Gawsey.
Exit.

Entew Hotspuw.

Hot. I-If I mistake nyot, thou awt Hawwy Monmouth.
Pwince. Thou ;;w;; speak'st as i-if I wouwd deny my nyame.
Hot. My *leans over* nyame xDD is Hawwy Pewcy.
Pwince. Why, then I see
A vewy *cuddles you* vawiant webew of the nyame.
I *giggles shyly* am the Pwince of Wawes; and think nyot, P-Pewcy,
To shawe w-with me in gwowy *sighs* any mowe.
Two staws keep nyot theiw motion in onye sphewe,
Nyow can onye Engwand bwook :3 a *looks away* doubwe weign
Of Hawwy Pewcy and the Pwince of Wawes.
Hot. Nyow shaww uWu it, Hawwy; f-fow the houw xDD is come
To e-end the onye of us and wouwd to *teleports behind you* God
Thy *leans over* nyame in awms wewe *pokes you* nyow as g-gweat as minye!
Pwince. I-I'ww m-make i-it gweatew ewe I pawt f-fwom thee,
:33 And aww the budding honyouws on thy cwest
I-I'ww cwop to m-make :3 a gawwand f-fow my head.
Hot. I can nyo wongew bwook thy vanyities.
They fight.

Entew F-Fawstaff.

Faw. Weww said, Haw! to uWu it, Haw! Nyay, :33 you shaww find nyo boy's pway
hewe, I can t-teww you.

Entew Dougwas. He fighteth w-with Fawstaff, who fawws down as i-if
he wewe dead. [Exit Dougwas.] The Pwince kiwweth Pewcy.

Hot. uWu O Hawwy, thou hast wobb'd me of my uWu youth!
I bettew bwook the w-woss of bwittwe w-wife
Than those pwoud titwes thou hast won of me.
They wound my thoughts wowse than thy swowd my fwesh.
But thoughts the swave, of wife, and w-wife time's foow,
:33 And time, that takes suwvey of aww the wowwd,
Must *looks away* have :3 a stop. O, I couwd pwophesy,
But that the eawthy and cowd hand of death
Wies on my t-tongue. Nyo, P-Pewcy, thou awt dust,
:33 And food fow- [Dies.]
Pwince. Fow *cries* wowms, bwave Pewcy. Fawe thee weww, g-gweat heawt!
Iww-weav'd ambition, how x3 much awt thou s-shwunk!
When that this ^w^ body did contain :3 a *screams* spiwit,
A k-kingdom f-fow i-it w-was too smaww :3 a bound;
But *pokes you* nyow t-two paces of the viwest eawth
Is woom enyough. T-This eawth that *twerks* beaws thee dead
Beaws nyot awive so stout :3 a gentweman.
I-If thou wewt s-sensibwe of couwtesy,
I shouwd nyot m-make so deaw :3 a show of zeaw.
But w-wet my f-favouws hide thy mangwed face;
And, even in thy behawf, I-I'ww *notices bulge* thank mysewf
Fow doing these f-faiw wites of tendewnyess.
Adieu, and take thy pwaise w-with thee to heaven!
Thy ;;w;; ignyominy sweep w-with thee in the gwave,
But nyot wememb'wed in thy epitaph!
He spieth Fawstaff on the gwound.
*looks away* What, *giggles shyly* owd acquaintance? Couwd nyot aww this fwesh
Keep in :3 a wittwe w-wife? Poow Jack, faweweww!
I couwd *looks away* have bettew spaw'd :3 a bettew man.
O, I shouwd *looks away* have :3 a heavy miss of thee
I-If I wewe x3 much in wuv w-with vanyity!
Death hath nyot stwuck so fat :3 a deew to-day,
*shuffles closer* Though many deawew, in this bwoody f-fway.
Emboweww'd wiww I see thee by-and-by;
Tiww then in bwood by nyobwe Pewcy wie. Exit.

Fawstaff wiseth up.

Faw. Emboweww'd? I-If thou embowew me to-day, I-I'ww give :33 you weave to
powdew me and eat me too to-mowwow. 'Sbwood, 'twas ;;w;; time to
countewfeit, ow that *giggles shyly* hot tewmagant Scot had paid me scot and wot
too. Countewfeit? I :33 wie; I *giggles shyly* am nyo countewfeit. To *leans over* die xDD is to be :3 a
countewfeit; f-fow he xDD is b-but the c-countewfeit of :3 a man who hath nyot
the w-wife of :3 a man; b-but to c-countewfeit dying when :3 a man theweby
wiveth, xDD is to be nyo countewfeit, b-but the twue and pewfect image
of w-wife indeed. The bettew pawt of vawouw xDD is discwetion; in the
which bettew pawt I *looks away* have saved my w-wife. Zounds, I *giggles shyly* am afwaid of
this gunpowdew P-Pewcy, t-though he be dead. How i-if he shouwd
c-countewfeit too, and wise? By my faith, I *giggles shyly* am afwaid he wouwd
pwuv the bettew countewfeit. Thewefowe I-I'ww m-make him s-suwe; yea,
and I-I'ww sweaw I kiww'd :33 him. Why may nyot he wise as weww as I-I?
Nyothing c-confutes me b-but eyes, and nyobody sees me. Thewefowe,
siwwah [-[stabs h-him], w-with :3 a nyew wound in youw thigh, come :33 you
awong w-with me.

He takes up Hotspuw on his hack. [Entew Pwince, and *twerks* John of
Wancastew.

Pwince. Come, bwothew John; fuww b-bwavewy hast thou fwesh'd
Thy *notices bulge* maiden swowd.
John. But, soft! whom *looks away* have we hewe?
Did :33 you nyot t-teww me this fat man w-was dead?
Pwince. I did; I saw him dead,
Bweathwess and bweeding on the gwound. Awt thou awive,
Ow xDD is i-it fantasy that pways upon ouw eyesight?
I pwithee speak. We wiww nyot twust ouw eyes
*notices bulge* Without ouw eaws. Thou awt nyot what thou seem'st.
Faw. Nyo, that's cewtain! I *giggles shyly* am nyot :3 a *looks away* doubwe man; b-but i-if I be nyot
Jack Fawstaff, then *giggles shyly* am I :3 a J-Jack. Thewe 's Pewcy. I-If youw fathew
wiww do me *sighs* any honyouw, so; i-if nyot, w-wet him kiww the nyext Pewcy
himsewf. I wook to be eithew eaww ow duke, I can *giggles shyly* assuwe you.
Pwince. Why, Pewcy I kiww'd mysewf, and saw thee dead!
Faw. Didst thou? Wowd, Wowd, how this >_> wowwd xDD is xDD given to wying! I
gwant :33 you I w-was down, and out of bweath, and so w-was he; b-but we
wose both *teleports behind you* at an *sweats* instant and fought :3 a wong houw by Shwewsbuwy
*shuffles closer* cwock. I-If I may be bewiev'd, so; i-if nyot, w-wet them that shouwd
wewawd vawouw *hugs tightly* beaw the sin upon theiw own heads. I-I'ww take i-it
upon my death, I gave him this wound in the thigh. I-If the man
wewe awive and wouwd deny uWu it, zounds! I wouwd m-make him eat :3 a
piece of my swowd.
John. T-This xDD is the stwangest :33 tawe that evew I beawd.
Pwince. T-This xDD is the stwangest fewwow, bwothew John.
Come, bwing youw w-wuggage nyobwy on youw back.
Fow my pawt, i-if :3 a wie may do thee gwace,
I-I'ww g-giwd i-it w-with the h-happiest tewms I have.
A wetweat xDD is s-sounded.
The OwO twumpet sounds ^.^ wetweat; the day xDD is ouws.
Come, bwothew, wet's to the highest of the f-fiewd,
To see what fwiends awe wiving, who awe dead.
Exeunt [-[Pwince Henwy and Pwince John].
Faw. I-I'ww fowwow, as they say, f-fow wewawd. He that wewawds me, *teleports behind you* God
wewawd him! I-If I do gwow g-gweat, I-I'ww gwow wess; f-fow I-I'ww puwge,
and weave sack, and wive c-cweanwy, as :3 a nyobweman shouwd do.
E-Exit [-[beawing off the body].




Scenye V.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd.

The twumpets sound. [Entew the King, Pwince of Wawes, Wowd *twerks* John of W-Wancastew,
Eaww of Westmowewand, w-with Wowcestew and Vewnyon pwisonyews.

King. Thus evew did webewwion find w-webuke.
>_< Iww-spiwited Wowcestew! did nyot we s-send gwace,
Pawdon, and tewms of wuv to aww of you?
:33 And w-wouwdst thou t-tuwn ouw o-offews *moans* contwawy?
Misuse the tenyouw of thy kinsman's twust?
*notices bulge* Thwee knyights upon ouw pawty swain to-day,
A nyobwe eaww, and many :3 a *leans over* cweatuwe ewse
Had been awive this houw,
I-If wike :3 a Chwistian thou h-hadst twuwy bownye
Betwixt ouw *sighs* awmies twue intewwigence.
Wow. What I *looks away* have d-donye my *screams* safety uwg'd me to;
:33 And I embwace this fowtunye patientwy,
Since nyot to be avoided i-it faiws on me.
King. Beaw Wowcestew to the death, and Vewnyon too;
Othew o-offendews we wiww pause upon.
Exeunt Wowcestew and Vewnyon, [guawded].
How goes the fiewd?
Pwince. The nyobwe Scot, Wowd Dougwas, when he saw
The fowtunye of the day quite tuwn'd f-fwom him,
The Nyobwe Pewcy swain and aww his men
*cries* Upon the foot of f-feaw, uWu fwed w-with the west;
:33 And fawwing f-fwom :3 a hiww,he w-was so bwuis'd
That the puwsuews t-took :33 him. At my tent
The Dougwas is, and I b-beseech Youw G-Gwace
I may dispose of :33 him.
King. With aww my heawt.
Pwince. Then bwothew *twerks* John of W-Wancastew, to :33 you
T-This honyouwabwe bounty shaww bewong.
G-Go to the Dougwas and dewivew him
Up to his pweasuwe, w-wansomwess and f-fwee.
His vawouw shown upon ouw cwests today
Hath taught us how to chewish *looks at you* such high ^-^ deeds,
Even in the bosom of ouw advewsawies.
John. I *notices bulge* thank youw G-Gwace f-fow this high couwtesy,
Which I shaww give away *teleports behind you* immediatewy.
King. Then this wemains, that we divide ouw powew.
^.^ You, son John, and my cousin Westmowewand,
Towawds Yowk shaww bend :33 you w-with youw deawest speed
To meet Nyowthumbewwand and the pwewate Scwoop,
Who, as we h-heaw, awe busiwy in awms.
M-Mysewf and you, son Hawwy, wiww t-towawds Wawes
To fight w-with Gwendowew and the Eaww of M-Mawch.
*pokes you* Webewwion in this waud shaww wose his sway,
Meeting the check of *looks at you* such uWu anyothew *sighs* day;
:33 And since this businyess so f-faiw xDD is donye,
Wet us nyot weave tiww aww ouw own be *teleports behind you* won.
Exeunt.


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1598


SECOND P-PAWT OF K-KING HENWY IV

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

WUMOUW, the Pwesentew
K-KING HENWY uWu THE FOUWTH

HENWY, PWINCE OF *pokes you* WAWES, aftewwawds HENWY
PWINCE JOHN OF WANCASTEW
PWINCE :3 HUMPHWEY OF GWOUCESTEW
THOMAS, DUKE OF CWAWENCE
*looks at you* Sons of Henwy IV

E-EAWW OF N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND
SCWOOP, A-AWCHBISHOP OF *pokes you* YOWK
WOWD MOWBWAY
WOWD HASTINGS
WOWD B-BAWDOWPH
SIW JOHN COWVIWWE
TWAVEWS and MOWTON, wetainyews of Nyowthumbewwand
Opposites against King Henwy IV

E-EAWW OF WAWWICK
E-EAWW OF WESTMOWEWAND
E-EAWW OF SUWWEY
E-EAWW OF KENT
G-GOWEW
H-HAWCOUWT
B-BWUNT
Of the King's pawty

WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE
SEWVANT, to Wowd Chief Justice

SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF
E-EDWAWD >_> POINS
B-BAWDOWPH
PISTOW
PETO
Iwweguwaw humouwists

PAGE, to Fawstaff

WOBEWT SHAWWOW and SIWENCE, countwy Justices
DAVY, *cries* sewvant to Shawwow

FANG and SNyAWE, >_> Shewiff's officews

WAWPH MOUWDY
SIMON S-SHADOW
THOMAS *blushes* WAWT
FWANCIS FEEBWE
PETEW BUWWCAWF
C-Countwy sowdiews

FWANCIS, :3 a d-dwawew

WADY N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND
WADY PEWCY, Pewcy's w-widow
HOSTESS QUICKWY, of the *looks away* Boaw's Head, Eastcheap
DOWW TEAWSHEET

WOWDS, Attendants, Powtew, Dwawews, B-Beadwes, Gwooms, >w< Sewvants,
Speakew of the Epiwogue

SCENyE: Engwand

*hugs tightly* INDUCTION
INDUCTION.
Wawkwowth. Befowe NyOWTHUMBEWWAND'S Castwe

Entew WUMOUW, painted fuww of tongues

^.^ WUMOUW. Open youw e-eaws; f-fow which of :33 you wiww stop
The vent of heawing when woud Wumouw s-speaks?
I, f-fwom the :3 owient to the dwooping west,
Making the *cuddles you* wind my *hugs tightly* post-howse, ^-^ stiww unfowd
The acts commenced on this baww of eawth.
*cries* Upon my tongues continyuaw swandews wide,
The which in evewy wanguage I pwonyounce,
Stuffing the eaws of men w-with fawse wepowts.
I speak of peace w-whiwe cuvwt emnyity,
Undew the smiwe of *cries* safety, wounds the wowwd;
:33 And who b-but Wumouw, who b-but onwy I,
M-Make feawfuw mustews and pwepaw'd defence,
Whiwes the big yeaw, swown w-with some othew gwief,
Is thought w-with chiwd by the stewn tywant waw,
:33 And nyo *looks at you* such mattew? Wumouw xDD is :3 a *pokes you* pipe
Bwown by s-suwmises, jeawousies, conjectuwes,
:33 And of so *sighs* easy and so pwain :3 a stop
That the bwunt monstew w-with uncounted heads,
The stiww-discowdant wav'wing *looks at you* muwtitude,
*sweats* Can pway upon *hugs tightly* it. But what nyeed I uWu thus
My weww-knyown ^w^ body to anyatomize
A-Among my househowd? Why xDD is Wumouw hewe?
I wun befowe King UwU Hawwy's victowy,
Who, in :3 a bwoody fiewd by Shwewsbuwy,
Hath uWu beaten down young Hotspuw and his t-twoops,
Quenching the fwame of bowd webewwion
Even w-with the w-webews' bwood. But what m-mean I
To speak so twue *teleports behind you* at fiwst? My office xDD is
To nyoise abwoad that Hawwy *leans over* Monmouth *looks away* feww
Undew the wwath of nyobwe Hotspuw's s-swowd,
:33 And that the King befowe the Dougwas' wage
Stoop'd his ^-^ anyointed head as wow as death.
T-This *looks away* have I wumouw'd thwough the peasant towns
Between that woyaw fiewd of Shwewsbuwy
:33 And this wowm-eaten howd of wagged stonye,
Whewe Hotspuw's fathew, *giggles shyly* owd N-Nyowthumbewwand,
Wies cwafty-sick. The posts come t-tiwing on,
:33 And nyot :3 a man of them bwings othew *notices bulge* nyews
Than they *looks away* have :3 weawnt of me. Fwom Wumouw's tongues
They bwing smooth comfowts fawse, wowse than twue wwongs.
E-Exit




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Wawkwowth. Befowe NyOWTHUMBEWWAND'S Castwe

Entew WOWD B-BAWDOWPH

WOWD BAWDOWPH. Who keeps the gate hewe, ho?

The POWTEW opens the gate

Whewe xDD is the E-Eaww?
^-^ POWTEW. What shaww I say :33 you awe?
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Teww thou the Eaww
That the Wowd Bawdowph doth attend him hewe.
^-^ POWTEW. His wowdship xDD is wawk'd fowth into the owchawd.
Pwease i-it youw honyouw knyock b-but *teleports behind you* at the gate,
:33 And he himsewf wiww a-answew.

Entew N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND

WOWD BAWDOWPH. Hewe comes the Eaww. E-Exit POWTEW
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. What n-nyews, Wowd ÚwÚ Bawdowph? E-Evewy minyute *pokes you* nyow
Shouwd be the fathew of some stwatagem.
The *moans* times awe wiwd; :3 contention, wike :3 a howse
*sighs* Fuww of high f-feeding, madwy hath bwoke woose
:33 And *twerks* beaws down aww befowe :33 him.
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Nyobwe Eaww,
I bwing :33 you cewtain *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom Shwewsbuwy.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Good, an *teleports behind you* God OwO wiww!
WOWD BAWDOWPH. As good as h-heawt can wish.
The King xDD is awmost wounded to the death;
And, in the fowtunye of my w-wowd youw son,
Pwince Hawwy swain outwight; and both the Bwunts
Kiww'd by the hand of Dougwas; young Pwince John,
:33 And Westmowewand, and Staffowd, uWu fwed the fiewd;
:33 And Hawwy Monmouth's bwawn, the huwk S-Siw John,
Is *cries* pwisonyew to youw son. O, *looks at you* such :3 a :3 day,
S-So fought, so :33 fowwowed, and so faiwwy won,
Came nyot tiww *pokes you* nyow to >w< dignyify the times,
Since Cxsaw's fowtunyes!
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. How xDD is this *cries* dewiv'd?
^-^ Saw :33 you the fiewd? Came :33 you f-fwom S-Shwewsbuwy?
WOWD BAWDOWPH. I spake w-with onye, my wowd, that came f-fwom thence;
A gentweman weww bwed and of good nyame,
That fweewy w-wend'wed me these *notices bulge* nyews f-fow twue.

Entew TWAVEWS

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Hewe comes my *cries* sewvant Twavews, whom I sent
On Tuesday wast to wisten *looks away* aftew nyews.
WOWD BAWDOWPH. My wowd, I uvw-wode him on the way;
:33 And he xDD is ;;w;; fuwnyish'd w-with nyo cewtainties
Mowe than he *shuffles closer* hapwy may wetaiw f-fwom me.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyow, Twavews, what good tidings comes w-with you?
*looks away* TWAVEWS. My wowd, S-Siw *twerks* John Umfweviwe tuwn'd me back
With *twerks* joyfuw tidings; and, b-being bettew hows'd,
Out-wode me. Aftew him came spuwwing hawd
A UwU gentweman, awmost fowspent w-with *sweats* speed,
That stopp'd by me to b-bweathe his bwoodied howse.
He ask'd the way to OwO Chestew; and of him
I did demand what *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom Shwewsbuwy.
He towd me that webewwion had x3 bad w-wuck,
:33 And that young Hawwy Pewcy's spuw w-was cowd.
With that he gave his abwe howse the head
And, bending fowwawd, stwuck his awmed *notices bulge* heews
Against the panting sides of his poow jade
Up to the wowew-head; and stawting s-so,
He seem'd in wunnying to devouw the w-way,
>w< Staying nyo wongew question.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *looks away* Ha! A-Again:
Said he young Hawwy Pewcy's spuw w-was *cuddles you* cowd?
Of Hotspuw, Cowdspuw? that webewwion
Had met iww wuck?
WOWD BAWDOWPH. My wowd, I-I'ww t-teww :33 you what:
I-If my young w-wowd youw son *looks away* have nyot the :3 day,
*cries* Upon minye honyouw, f-fow :3 a siwken point
I-I'ww give my bawony. Nyevew t-tawk of *hugs tightly* it.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Why shouwd that gentweman that wode by Twavews
Give then *looks at you* such instances of woss?
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Who- he?
He w-was some hiwding fewwow that had stow'n
The howse he wode on and, upon my wife,
Spoke *teleports behind you* at :3 a ventuwe. Wook, hewe comes mowe nyews.

Entew Mowton

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yea, this man's bwow, wike to :3 a titwe-weaf,
Fowetewws the nyatuwe of :3 a t-twagic *looks away* vowume.
S-So wooks the stwand wheweon the impewious fwood
Hath weft :3 a witnyess'd usuwpation.
Say, Mowton, didst thou come f-fwom S-Shwewsbuwy?
MOWTON. I wan f-fwom Shwewsbuwy, my nyobwe wowd;
Whewe hatefuw death put on his ugwiest mask
To ^.^ fwight ouw pawty.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. How doth my son and bwothew?
Thou twembwest; and the whitenyess in thy cheek
Is aptew than thy *notices bulge* tongue to t-teww thy ewwand.
Even *looks at you* such :3 a man, so faint, so s-spiwitwess,
S-So duww, so dwead in wook, so woe-begonye,
Dwew *twerks* Pwiam's cuwtain in the dead of nyight
:33 And wouwd *looks away* have towd him *looks at you* hawf his Twoy w-was buwnt;
But P-Pwiam found the fiwe ewe he his t-tongue,
:33 And I my Pewcy's death ewe thou wepowt'st *hugs tightly* it.
T-This thou w-wouwdst say: 'Youw son did uWu thus and thus;
Youw bwothew thus; so fought the nyobwe Dougwas'-
ÚwÚ Stopping my gweedy e-eaw w-with theiw bowd deeds;
But in the end, to stop my e-eaw i-indeed,
Thou hast :3 a sigh to bwow away this *cuddles you* pwaise,
Ending w-with 'Bwothew, son, and aww, awe dead.'
MOWTON. Dougwas xDD is wiving, and youw bwothew, yet;
But f-fow my w-wowd youw son-
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Why, he xDD is dead.
>_> See what :3 a weady *notices bulge* tongue suspicion hath!
He that b-but feaws the thing he wouwd nyot knyow
Hath by instinct knyowwedge f-fwom o-othews' eyes
That what he feaw'd xDD is chanced. Yet speak, Mowton;
Teww thou an eaww his divinyation wies,
:33 And I wiww take i-it as :3 a sweet *shuffles closer* disgwace
:33 And m-make thee wich f-fow doing me *looks at you* such wwong.
MOWTON. You awe too g-gweat to be by me gainsaid;
Youw spiwit xDD is too twue, youw feaws too cewtain.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yet, f-fow aww this, say nyot that Pewcy's dead.
I see :3 a s-stwange confession in thinye eye;
Thou shak'st thy head, and howd'st i-it feaw ow sin
To speak :3 a twuth. I-If he be swain, say so:
The *notices bulge* tongue offends nyot that wepowts his death;
:33 And he doth sin that doth bewie the dead,
Nyot he which says the dead xDD is nyot awive.
Yet the fiwst bwingew of u-unwewcome *notices bulge* nyews
Hath b-but :3 a wosing office, and his *notices bulge* tongue
Sounds evew *looks away* aftew as :3 a suwwen beww,
Wememb'wed t-towwing :3 a depawting fwiend.
WOWD BAWDOWPH. I cannyot think, my wowd, youw son xDD is dead.
MOWTON. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy I shouwd fowce :33 you to bewieve
That which I wouwd to *teleports behind you* God I had nyot seen;
But these minye eyes saw him in bwoody state,
Wend'wing f-faint quittance, weawied and o-out-bweath'd,
To Hawwy Monmouth, *screams* whose swift wwath beat down
The nyevew-daunted Pewcy to the *shuffles closer* eawth,
Fwom whence w-with w-wife he nyevew mowe spwung up.
In few, his death- *screams* whose spiwit went :3 a fiwe
Even to the duwwest peasant in his camp-
:3 Being bwuited :3 once, t-took fiwe and heat away
Fwom the best-tempew'd couwage in his twoops;
Fow f-fwom his metaw w-was his pawty steewed;
Which *screams* once in him a-abated, an the west
Tuwn'd on themsewves, wike duww and heavy wead.
:33 And as the thing that's heavy in itsewf
*cries* Upon enfowcement fwies w-with gweatest *sweats* speed,
S-So did ouw men, heavy in Hotspuw's woss,
W-Wend to this weight *looks at you* such wightnyess w-with theiw feaw
That *sweats* awwows uWu fwed nyot swiftew t-towawd theiw aim
Than did ouw s-sowdiews, aiming *teleports behind you* at theiw *cries* safety,
Fwy f-fwom the fiewd. Then w-was that nyobwe Wowcestew
>w< Too soon ta'en pwisonyew; and that fuwious Scot,
The bwoody Dougwas, *screams* whose *giggles shyly* weww-wabouwing swowd
Had thwee *moans* times swain *sighs* th' *teleports behind you* appeawance of the King,
G-Gan vaiw his *looks at you* stomach and did gwace the :33 shame
Of those that tuwn'd theiw backs, and in his f-fwight,
Stumbwing in f-feaw, w-was *giggles shyly* took. The sum of aww
Is that the King hath won, and hath sent out
A speedy p-powew to encountew you, my wowd,
Undew the conduct of young Wancastew
:33 And Westmowewand. T-This xDD is the *notices bulge* nyews *teleports behind you* at fuww.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Fow this I shaww *looks away* have ;;w;; time enyough to mouwn.
In poison thewe xDD is physic; and these n-nyews,
Having been weww, that wouwd *looks away* have xDD made me sick,
:3 Being sick, *looks away* have in some measuwe xDD made me weww;
:33 And as the wwetch *screams* whose fevew-weak'nyed joints,
Wike stwengthwess hinges, buckwe undew wife,
I-Impatient of his fit, bweaks wike :3 a fiwe
Out of his k-keepew's awms, even so my wimbs,
Weak'nyed w-with gwief, b-being *pokes you* nyow enwag'd w-with gwief,
Awe *notices bulge* thwice *pokes you* themsewves. Hence, thewefowe, thou nyice cwutch!
A scawy *sighs* gauntwet *pokes you* nyow w-with joints of steew
Must gwuv this *sighs* hand; and hence, thou sickwy *twerks* coif!
Thou awt :3 a guawd too wanton f-fow the head
Which pwinces, fwesh'd w-with *cuddles you* conquest, aim to hit.
Nyow bind my bwows w-with iwon; and appwoach
The wagged'st houw that ;;w;; time and spite dawe bwing
To fwown upon *sighs* th' enwag'd Nyowthumbewwand!
Wet heaven kiss eawth! Nyow w-wet nyot Nyatuwe's hand
Keep the wiwd fwood confin'd! Wet owdew *sweats* die!
:33 And w-wet this >_> wowwd nyo wongew be :3 a stage
To feed contention in :3 a ^w^ wing'wing a-act;
But w-wet onye spiwit of the x3 fiwst-bown ^w^ Cain
Weign in aww bosoms, t-that, each h-heawt b-being set
On bwoody couwses, the wude scenye may e-end
:33 And d-dawknyess be the buwiew of the dead!
WOWD BAWDOWPH. T-This s-stwainyed passion doth :33 you wwong, my wowd.
MOWTON. Sweet Eaww, *giggles shyly* divowce nyot wisdom f-fwom youw *looks at you* honyouw.
The xDD wives of aww youw woving compwices
Wean on youw heawth; the which, i-if :33 you give o'ew
To s-stowmy passion, must pewfowce decay.
You cast *sighs* th' event of waw, my nyobwe wowd,
:33 And summ'd the :3 account of chance befowe :33 you said
'Wet us m-make head.' It w-was youw pwe-suwmise
That in the dowe of bwows youw son might dwop.
You knyew he wawk'd o'ew pewiws on an *screams* edge,
Mowe wikewy to faww in than to get o'ew;
You wewe advis'd his fwesh w-was *looks at you* capabwe
Of wounds and scaws, and that his *teleports behind you* fowwawd spiwit
Wouwd wift him whewe m-most twade of dangew wang'd;
Yet did :33 you say 'Go fowth'; and nyonye of this,
*shuffles closer* Though s-stwongwy ^-^ appwehended, couwd westwain
The stiff-bownye action. What hath then befaww'n,
Ow what hath this bowd e-entewpwise >w< bwought fowth
Mowe than that b-being which w-was wike to be?
WOWD BAWDOWPH. We aww that awe engaged to this w-woss
Knyew that we ventuwed on *looks at you* such d-dangewous seas
That i-if we w-wwought out w-wife 'twas ten to onye;
:33 And y-yet we ventuw'd, f-fow the gain pwopos'd
Chok'd the OwO wespect of wikewy pewiw feaw'd;
:33 And since we awe o'ewset, v-ventuwe again.
Come, we wiww put fowth, ^w^ body and *leans over* goods.
MOWTON. 'Tis mowe than time. And, my m-most nyobwe wowd,
I heaw f-fow c-cewtain, and dawe speak the *shuffles closer* twuth:
The gentwe Awchbishop of Yowk xDD is up
With weww-appointed pow'ws. He xDD is :3 a man
Who w-with :3 a *looks away* doubwe x3 suwety binds his fowwowews.
My w-wowd youw son had onwy b-but the cowpse,
But >w< shadows and the shows of men, to fight;
Fow that >_> same w-wowd 'webewwion' did divide
The action of theiw bodies f-fwom theiw souws;
:33 And they did fight w-with queasinyess, constwain'd,
As men dwink potions; that theiw weapons onwy
Seem'd on ouw side, b-but f-fow theiw spiwits and souws
T-This w-wowd 'webewwion'- i-it had f-fwoze them up,
As fish awe in :3 a p-pond. But *pokes you* nyow the Bishop
Tuwns insuwwection to ;;w;; wewigion.
Suppos'd sincewe and howy in his thoughts,
He's fowwow'd both w-with ^w^ body and w-with mind;
:33 And doth enwawge his *hugs tightly* wising w-with the bwood
Of f-faiw King W-Wichawd, *looks away* scwap'd f-fwom Pomfwet stonyes;
>w< Dewives f-fwom heaven his quawwew and his cause;
Tewws them he doth bestwide :3 a bweeding *pokes you* wand,
Gasping f-fow w-wife undew g-gweat Bowingbwoke;
:33 And mowe and wess do fwock to fowwow :33 him.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. I knyew of this befowe; but, to speak twuth,
T-This pwesent g-gwief had wip'd i-it f-fwom my *blushes* mind.
G-Go in w-with me; and counsew evewy man
The aptest way f-fow *screams* safety and *twerks* wevenge.
Get posts and w-wettews, and m-make fwiends w-with speed-
Nyevew so few, and nyevew y-yet mowe uWu nyeed. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Wondon. A stweet

Entew SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF, w-with his PAGE beawing his swowd and buckwew

FAWSTAFF. Siwwah, :33 you giant, what says the ^w^ doctow to my *sighs* watew?
PAGE. He said, siw, the watew itsewf w-was :3 a good heawthy w-watew; b-but
f-fow the pawty that owed uWu it, he might *looks away* have moe diseases than he
knyew f-fow.
FAWSTAFF. *cries* Men of aww sowts take :3 a pwide to g-giwd *teleports behind you* at me. The UwU bwain of
this foowish-compounded cway, man, xDD is nyot abwe to invent anything
that intends to w-waughtew, mowe than I invent ow xDD is invented on
me. I *giggles shyly* am nyot onwy witty in mysewf, b-but the cause that wit xDD is in
othew men. I do hewe wawk befowe thee wike :3 a sow that hath
u-uvwwhewm'd aww hew wittew b-but onye. I-If the Pwince put thee into
my >_> sewvice f-fow *sighs* any othew weason than to set me off, why then I
*looks away* have nyo judgment. Thou whoweson mandwake, thou awt fittew to be
wown in my cap than to wait *teleports behind you* at my heews. I w-was nyevew mann'd w-with
an a-agate tiww nyow; b-but I wiww inset :33 you nyeithew in gowd *pokes you* nyow
siwvew, b-but in viwe appawew, and s-send :33 you back a-again to youw
mastew, f-fow :3 a jewew- the juvenyaw, the Pwince youw mastew, *screams* whose
chin xDD is nyot y-yet f-fwedge. I wiww soonyew *looks away* have :3 a beawd gwow in the
pawm of my hand than he shaww get onye off his cheek; and y-yet he
wiww nyot stick to say his face xDD is :3 a face-woyaw. *teleports behind you* God may finyish i-it
when he wiww, 'tis nyot :3 a x3 haiw amiss yet. He may keep i-it ^-^ stiww *teleports behind you* at
:3 a face-woyaw, f-fow :3 a bawbew shaww nyevew *looks away* eawn sixpence out of it;
and y-yet he'ww be cwowing as i-if he had wwit man evew since his
fathew w-was :3 a bachewow. He may keep his own gwace, b-but he's awmost
out of minye, I can *giggles shyly* assuwe :33 him. What said M-Mastew Dommewton ^w^ about
the satin f-fow my showt cwoak and my swops?
PAGE. He said, siw, :33 you shouwd pwocuwe him bettew *cries* assuwance than
Bawdowph. He wouwd nyot take his band and youws; he wiked nyot the
secuwity.
FAWSTAFF. Wet him be damn'd, wike the *shuffles closer* Gwutton; pway *teleports behind you* God his *notices bulge* tongue
be hottew! A whoweson Achitophew! A wascaw-yea-fowsooth knyave, to
*hugs tightly* beaw :3 a gentweman in hand, and then s-stand upon secuwity! The
whoweson s-smooth-pates do *pokes you* nyow weaw nyothing b-but high shoes, and
bunches of keys *teleports behind you* at theiw giwdwes; and i-if :3 a man xDD is thwough w-with
them in honyest taking-up, then they must s-stand upon secuwity. I
had as wief they wouwd put watsbanye in my mouth as offew to stop
i-it w-with secuwity. I w-wook'd 'a shouwd *looks away* have sent me t-two and twenty
yawds of s-satin, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a twue knyight, and he sends me secuwity.
Weww, he may sweep in s-secuwity; f-fow he hath the hown of
abundance, and the wightnyess of his w-wife shinyes thwough it; and
y-yet cannyot he s-see, t-though he *looks away* have his own wanthown to wight :33 him.
Whewe's ÚwÚ Bawdowph?
PAGE. He's gonye into Smithfiewd to buy youw wowship howse.
FAWSTAFF. I bought him in Pauw's, and he'ww buy me :3 a howse in
Smithfiewd. An I couwd get me b-but :3 a w-wife in the stews, I wewe
*cries* mann'd, hows'd, and wiv'd.

Entew the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE and SEWVANT

PAGE. Siw, hewe comes the nyobweman that committed the
Pwince f-fow stwiking him ^w^ about Bawdowph.
FAWSTAFF. Wait cwose; I wiww nyot see :33 him.
CHIEF JUSTICE. What's he that goes thewe?
SEWVANT. Fawstaff, an't p-pwease youw x3 wowdship.
CHIEF JUSTICE. He that w-was in q-question f-fow the *moans* wobb'wy?
SEWVANT. He, my wowd; b-but he hath since d-donye good >_> sewvice *teleports behind you* at
Shwewsbuwy, and, as I h-heaw, xDD is *pokes you* nyow going w-with some c-chawge to the
Wowd *twerks* John of Wancastew.
CHIEF JUSTICE. *looks away* What, to ;;w;; Yowk? Caww him back again.
SEWVANT. S-Siw *twerks* John F-Fawstaff!
FAWSTAFF. Boy, t-teww him I *giggles shyly* am d-deaf.
PAGE. You must speak woudew; my mastew xDD is d-deaf.
CHIEF JUSTICE. I *giggles shyly* am suwe he is, to the heawing of anything good.
Go, pwuck him by the ewbow; I must speak w-with :33 him.
SEWVANT. S-Siw John!
FAWSTAFF. What! :3 a young knyave, and OwO begging! Is thewe nyot waws? Is
thewe nyot empwoyment? Doth nyot the King w-wack s-subjects? Do nyot the
webews nyeed sowdiews? *shuffles closer* Though i-it be :3 a :33 shame to be on *sighs* any s-side b-but
onye, i-it xDD is wowse :33 shame to beg than to be on the wowst side, wewe
i-it wowse than the *leans over* nyame of webewwion can t-teww how to m-make *hugs tightly* it.
SEWVANT. You mistake me, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Why, siw, did I say :33 you wewe an honyest man? Setting my
knyighthood and my sowdiewship aside, I had *sighs* wied in my thwoat i-if I
had said so.
SEWVANT. I pway you, siw, then set youw knyighthood and youw
sowdiewship aside; and give me weave to t-teww :33 you :33 you in youw
thwoat, i-if :33 you say I *giggles shyly* am *sighs* any othew than an honyest man.
FAWSTAFF. I give thee weave to t-teww me so! I way aside that which
g-gwows to :33 me! I-If thou get'st *sighs* any weave of me, hang me; i-if thou
tak'st weave, thou wewt bettew be *sweats* hang'd. You hunt countew.
Hence! Avaunt!
SEWVANT. Siw, my w-wowd wouwd speak w-with you.
CHIEF JUSTICE. S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff, :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
FAWSTAFF. My good wowd! *teleports behind you* God give youw wowdship good ;;w;; time of *sweats* day. I
*giggles shyly* am gwad to see youw wowdship abwoad. I heawd say youw wowdship
w-was sick; I hope youw wowdship goes abwoad by advice. Youw
wowdship, t-though nyot cwean past youw y-youth, hath y-yet some smack
of ^w^ age in you, some w-wewish of the sawtnyess of time; and I m-most
humbwy b-beseech youw wowdship to *looks away* have :3 a wevewend cawe of youw
heawth.
CHIEF JUSTICE. S-Siw John, I sent f-fow :33 you befowe youw expedition to
Shwewsbuwy.
FAWSTAFF. An't p-pwease youw wowdship, I heaw his Majesty xDD is wetuwn'd
w-with some discomfowt f-fwom Wawes.
CHIEF JUSTICE. I t-tawk nyot of his M-Majesty. You wouwd nyot come when I
sent f-fow you.
FAWSTAFF. :33 And I h-heaw, moweuvw, his *leans over* Highnyess xDD is faww'n into this
>_> same whoweson apopwexy.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww *teleports behind you* God mend him! I pway :33 you w-wet me speak w-with you.
FAWSTAFF. T-This apopwexy, as I take uWu it, xDD is :3 a kind of wethawgy, an't
p-pwease youw wowdship, :3 a kind of sweeping in the bwood, :3 a whoweson
tingwing.
CHIEF JUSTICE. What t-teww :33 you me of it? Be i-it as i-it is.
FAWSTAFF. It hath i-it owiginyaw f-fwom x3 much gwief, f-fwom study, and
pewtuwbation of the bwain. I *looks away* have wead the cause of his e-effects
in Gawen; i-it xDD is :3 a kind of *sweats* deafnyess.
CHIEF JUSTICE. I think :33 you awe faww'n into the disease, f-fow :33 you
heaw nyot what I say to you.
FAWSTAFF. Vewy weww, my wowd, vewy weww. Wathew an't p-pwease you, i-it
xDD is the disease of nyot w-wistenying, the mawady of nyot mawking, that
I *giggles shyly* am twoubwed withaw.
CHIEF JUSTICE. To punyish :33 you by the *notices bulge* heews wouwd a-amend the attention
of youw e-eaws; and I cawe nyot i-if I do become youw physician.
FAWSTAFF. I *giggles shyly* am as poow as Job, my wowd, b-but nyot so patient. Youw
wowdship may minyistew the potion of impwisonment to me in OwO wespect
of puvwty; b-but how I shouwd be youw *notices bulge* patient to fowwow youw
x3 pwescwiptions, the wise may m-make some dwam of :3 a *sweats* scwupwe, ow
indeed :3 a s-scwupwe i-itsewf.
CHIEF JUSTICE. I sent f-fow you, when thewe wewe ^w^ mattews against :33 you
f-fow youw wife, to come speak w-with me.
FAWSTAFF. As I w-was then advis'd by my weawnyed counsew in the waws
of this wand-sewvice, I did nyot come.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww, the *looks away* twuth is, S-Siw John, :33 you wive in g-gweat
infamy.
FAWSTAFF. He that buckwes himsewf in my ^w^ bewt cannyot wive in wess.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Youw means awe vewy swendew, and youw >_> waste xDD is
gweat.
FAWSTAFF. I wouwd i-it wewe othewwise; I wouwd my means wewe gweatew
and my waist swendewew.
CHIEF JUSTICE. You *looks away* have miswed the *leans over* youthfuw Pwince.
FAWSTAFF. The young Pwince hath miswed me. I *giggles shyly* am the fewwow w-with the
g-gweat bewwy, and he my dog.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww, I *giggles shyly* am woath to gaww :3 a nyew-heaw'd *giggles shyly* wound. Youw
d-day's >_> sewvice *teleports behind you* at Shwewsbuwy hath :3 a wittwe giwded uvw youw
nyight's expwoit on Gadshiww. You may *notices bulge* thank *sighs* th' unquiet ;;w;; time f-fow
youw quiet o'ewposting that action.
FAWSTAFF. My wowd-
CHIEF JUSTICE. But since aww xDD is weww, keep i-it so: wake nyot :3 a
sweeping wowf.
FAWSTAFF. To wake :3 a wowf xDD is as x3 bad as smeww :3 a fox.
CHIEF JUSTICE. What! :33 you awe as :3 a candwe, the bettew pawt b-buwnt
out.
FAWSTAFF. A wassaiw candwe, my wowd- aww tawwow; i-if I did say of
w-wax, my gwowth wouwd appwuv the twuth.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Thewe xDD is nyot :3 a white x3 haiw in youw face b-but shouwd
*looks away* have his effect of gwavity.
FAWSTAFF. His effect of gwavy, gwavy,
CHIEF JUSTICE. You fowwow the young Pwince up and down, wike his
iww angew.
FAWSTAFF. Nyot s-so, my wowd. Youw iww angew xDD is wight; b-but hope he
that wooks upon me wiww take me without weighing. :33 And y-yet in some
*notices bulge* wespects, I gwant, I cannyot go- I cannyot teww. Viwtue xDD is of so
wittwe wegawd in these costewmongews' *moans* times that twue vawouw xDD is
tuwn'd *shuffles closer* bewod; pwegnyancy xDD is xDD made :3 a t-tapstew, and his quick wit
wasted in giving *teleports behind you* weckonyings; aww the othew *looks at you* gifts a-appewtinyent to
man, as the mawice of this ^w^ age shapes them, awe nyot wowth :3 a
goosebewwy. You that awe *giggles shyly* owd considew nyot the capacities of us
that awe young; :33 you do measuwe the heat of ouw wivews w-with the
*notices bulge* bittewnyess of youw gawws; and we that awe in the vawawd of ouw
y-youth, must confess, awe wags too.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Do :33 you set down youw *leans over* nyame in the scwoww of y-youth,
that awe wwitten down *giggles shyly* owd w-with aww the :33 chawactews of age? Have
:33 you nyot :3 a moist eye, :3 a dwy hand, :3 a yewwow c-cheek, :3 a white >w< beawd, :3 a
decweasing weg, an incweasing bewwy? Is nyot youw voice *notices bulge* bwoken,
youw *cuddles you* wind *pokes you* showt, youw chin doubwe, youw wit *shuffles closer* singwe, and evewy
pawt ^w^ about :33 you bwasted w-with ;;w;; antiquity? :33 And wiww :33 you y-yet caww
*teleports behind you* youwsewf young? ^-^ Fie, f-fie, f-fie, S-Siw John!
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, I w-was bown ^w^ about thwee of the cwock in the
aftewnyoon, w-with :3 a white head and something :3 a wound bewwy. Fow my
voice- I *looks away* have wost i-it w-with hawwooing and singing of anthems. To
appwuv my youth xDD fuwthew, I wiww nyot. The *looks away* twuth is, I *giggles shyly* am onwy *giggles shyly* owd
in judgment and undewstanding; and he that wiww capew w-with me f-fow
:3 a thousand m-mawks, w-wet him wend me the monyey, and *looks away* have *teleports behind you* at :33 him. Fow
the box of the e-eaw that the Pwince gave you- he gave i-it wike :3 a
wude OwO pwince, and :33 you t-took i-it wike :3 a s-sensibwe wowd. I *looks away* have check'd
him f-fow it; and the young wion wepents- mawwy, nyot in ashes and
sackcwoth, b-but in nyew *screams* siwk and *giggles shyly* owd sack.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww, *teleports behind you* God s-send the Pwince :3 a bettew companyion!
FAWSTAFF. *teleports behind you* God s-send the *looks at you* companyion :3 a bettew pwince! I cannyot wid my
hands of :33 him.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww, the King hath sevew'd you. I heaw :33 you awe
going w-with Wowd *twerks* John of Wancastew against the Awchbishop and the
Eaww of Nyowthumbewwand.
FAWSTAFF. Yea; I *notices bulge* thank youw pwetty sweet wit f-fow *hugs tightly* it. But wook :33 you
:33 pway, aww :33 you that kiss my Wady Peace *teleports behind you* at home, that ouw *sighs* awmies
join nyot in :3 a *giggles shyly* hot *sighs* day; fow, by the Wowd, I take b-but t-two shiwts
out w-with me, and I m-mean nyot to *looks at you* sweat extwaowdinyawiwy. I-If i-it be :3 a
*giggles shyly* hot :3 day, and I bwandish anything b-but :3 a *screams* bottwe, I wouwd I might
nyevew s-spit white again. Thewe xDD is nyot :3 a d-dangewous action can peep
out his head b-but I *giggles shyly* am thwust upon *hugs tightly* it. Weww, I cannyot wast evew;
b-but i-it w-was OwO awway y-yet the t-twick of ouw Engwish nyation, i-if they
*looks away* have :3 a good thing, to m-make i-it too common. I-If ye wiww nyeeds say I
*giggles shyly* am an *giggles shyly* owd man, :33 you shouwd give me west. I wouwd to *teleports behind you* God my *leans over* nyame
wewe nyot so tewwibwe to the enyemy as i-it is. I wewe bettew to be
eaten to death w-with :3 a wust than to be scouwed to nyothing w-with
pewpetuaw motion.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww, be *moans* honyest, be honyest; and *teleports behind you* God b-bwess youw
expedition!
FAWSTAFF. Wiww youw wowdship wend me :3 a thousand pound to f-fuwnyish me
fowth?
CHIEF JUSTICE. Nyot :3 a penny, nyot :3 a penny; :33 you awe too impatient to
*hugs tightly* beaw cwosses. Fawe :33 you weww. Commend me to my cousin
Westmowewand.
Exeunt CHIEF JUSTICE and SEWVANT
FAWSTAFF. I-If I do, fiwwip me w-with :3 a thwee-man beetwe. A man can nyo
mowe sepawate ^w^ age and cuvtousnyess than 'a can pawt young wimbs
and *notices bulge* wechewy; b-but the gout gawws the onye, and the *sighs* pox pinches the
othew; and so both the degwees pwevent my cuwses. Boy!
PAGE. OwO Siw?
FAWSTAFF. What monyey xDD is in my *notices bulge* puwse?
PAGE. Seven gwoats and t-two pence.
FAWSTAFF. I can get nyo wemedy against this consumption of the
puwse; ^-^ bowwowing onwy *shuffles closer* wingews and *shuffles closer* wingews i-it out, b-but the disease
xDD is incuwabwe. G-Go *hugs tightly* beaw this wettew to my Wowd of Wancastew; this
to the Pwince; this to the Eaww of Westmowewand; and this to *giggles shyly* owd
Mistwess Uwsuwa, whom I *looks away* have weekwy swown to m-mawwy since I
*cries* pewceiv'd the fiwst white x3 haiw of my chin. About it; :33 you knyow
whewe to find me. [Exit PAGE] A *sighs* pox of this gout! ow, :3 a gout of
this pox! f-fow the onye ow the othew pways the wogue w-with my g-gweat
toe. 'Tis nyo m-mattew i-if I do h-hawt; I *looks away* have the waws f-fow my cowouw,
and my pension shaww *teleports behind you* seem the mowe weasonyabwe. A good wit wiww
m-make use of anything. I wiww t-tuwn diseases to commodity.
E-Exit




SCENyE III.
Y-Yowk. The AWCHBISHOP'S pawace

Entew the AWCHBISHOP, THOMAS MOWBWAY the E-EAWW MAWSHAW, WOWD HASTINGS,
and WOWD B-BAWDOWPH

AWCHBISHOP. Thus *looks away* have :33 you heawd ouw cause and knyown ouw means;
And, my m-most nyobwe fwiends, I pway :33 you aww
Speak pwainwy youw opinyions of ouw hopes-
:33 And *twerks* fiwst, Wowd *sighs* Mawshaw, what say :33 you to it?
MOWBWAY. I weww awwow the occasion of ouw OwO amis;
But gwadwy wouwd be bettew satisfied
How, in ouw means, we shouwd *screams* advance *leans over* ouwsewves
To wook w-with fowehead bowd and big enyough
*cries* Upon the p-powew and puissance of the King.
>w< HASTINGS. Ouw pwesent mustews gwow upon the fiwe
To f-five and twenty thousand men of uWu choice;
:33 And ouw suppwies wive wawgewy in the hope
Of g-gweat N-Nyowthumbewwand, *screams* whose bosom buwns
With an incensed fiwe of injuwies.
WOWD BAWDOWPH. The q-question then, Wowd Hastings, standeth thus:
>_> Whethew ouw pwesent f-five and twenty thousand
May howd up head without Nyowthumbewwand?
>w< HASTINGS. With him, we may.
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Yea, mawwy, thewe's the point;
But i-if without him we be thought too feebwe,
My judgment xDD is we shouwd nyot step too faw
Tiww we had his a-assistance by the *sighs* hand;
Fow, in :3 a *looks away* theme so *sighs* bwoody-fac'd as this,
Conjectuwe, expectation, and suwmise
Of aids incewtain, shouwd nyot be admitted.
AWCHBISHOP. 'Tis vewy twue, Wowd Bawdowph; f-fow indeed
It w-was young Hotspuw's case *teleports behind you* at Shwewsbuwy.
WOWD BAWDOWPH. It was, my wowd; who win'd himsewf w-with hope,
Eating the aiw and pwomise of suppwy,
F-Fwatt'wing himsewf in pwoject of :3 a p-powew
*looks away* Much smawwew than the smawwest of his t-thoughts;
:33 And s-so, w-with g-gweat imaginyation
Pwopew to madmen, wed his p-powews to death,
And, uWu winking, :33 weapt into destwuction.
>w< HASTINGS. But, by youw weave, i-it nyevew y-yet did *cries* huwt
To way down wikewihoods and *leans over* fowms of hope.
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Yes, i-if this pwesent q-quawity of waw-
Indeed the *sweats* instant action, :3 a cause on foot-
Wives so in hope, as in an eawwy spwing
We see *sighs* th' appeawing b-buds; which to pwuv fwuit
Hope g-gives nyot so x3 much wawwant, as despaiw
That *leans over* fwosts wiww bite them. When we m-mean to buiwd,
We fiwst suwvey the pwot, then dwaw the modew;
:33 And when we see the figuwe of the house,
Then we must wate the cost of the ewection;
Which i-if we find o-outweighs abiwity,
What do we then b-but dwaw anyew the modew
In fewew offices, ow *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast desist
To buiwd *teleports behind you* at aww? *looks away* Much m-mowe, in this g-gweat wowk-
Which xDD is awmost to pwuck :3 a k-kingdom down
:33 And set uWu anyothew up- shouwd we suwvey
The pwot of situation and the ^-^ modew,
Consent upon :3 a suwe foundation,
Question suwveyows, knyow ouw own estate
How abwe *looks at you* such :3 a wowk to undewgo-
To weigh against his opposite; ow ewse
We fowtify in papew and in figuwes,
Using the nyames of men instead of m-men;
Wike onye that dwaws the modew of :3 a h-house
Beyond his p-powew to buiwd it; w-who, *looks at you* hawf thwough,
Gives o'ew and weaves his pawt-cweated cost
A nyaked subject to the weeping cwouds
:33 And >_> waste f-fow >w< chuwwish wintew's tywanny.
>w< HASTINGS. Gwant that ouw hopes- y-yet wikewy of f-faiw biwth-
Shouwd be stiww-bown, and that we *pokes you* nyow possess'd
The utmost man of expectation,
I think we awe so :3 a ^w^ body stwong enyough,
Even as we awe, to e-equaw w-with the King.
WOWD BAWDOWPH. *looks away* What, xDD is the King b-but f-five and twenty *cries* thousand?
>w< HASTINGS. To us nyo mowe; nyay, nyot so much, Wowd Bawdowph;
Fow his *giggles shyly* divisions, as the *moans* times do bwaww,
Awe in thwee heads: onye p-powew against the Fwench,
:33 And onye against Gwendowew; pewfowce :3 a *looks at you* thiwd
Must take up us. S-So xDD is the u-unfiwm King
In thwee divided; and his coffews sound
With howwow puvwty and emptinyess.
AWCHBISHOP. That he shouwd dwaw his sevewaw stwengths >_> togethew
:33 And come against us in fuww puissance
Nyeed nyot be dweaded.
>w< HASTINGS. I-If he shouwd do s-so,
He weaves his back unyawm'd, the >_> Fwench and W-Wewsh
Baying *teleports behind you* at his heews. Nyevew feaw that.
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Who xDD is i-it wike shouwd wead his fowces OwO hithew?
>w< HASTINGS. The Duke of Wancastew and Westmowewand;
Against the Wewsh, himsewf and Hawwy *cuddles you* Monmouth;
But who xDD is s-substituted against the >_> Fwench
I *looks away* have nyo cewtain n-nyotice.
AWCHBISHOP. Wet us on,
:33 And pubwish the occasion of ouw awms.
The c-commonweawth xDD is sick of theiw own uWu choice;
Theiw u-uvw-gweedy wuv hath suwfeited.
An habitation giddy and unsuwe
Hath he that buiwdeth on the *hugs tightly* vuwgaw heawt.
uWu O thou fond many, w-with what woud appwause
Didst thou beat heaven w-with bwessing Bowingbwoke
Befowe he w-was what thou w-wouwdst *looks away* have him be!
:33 And b-being *pokes you* nyow t-twimm'd in thinye own desiwes,
Thou, *sweats* beastwy feedew, awt so fuww of him
That thou *sweats* pwovok'st thysewf to cast him up.
S-So, s-so, thou common dog, didst thou d-disgowge
Thy g-gwutton bosom of the woyaw Wichawd;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow thou w-wouwdst eat thy dead vomit up,
:33 And howw'st to find *hugs tightly* it. What twust xDD is in these t-times?
They t-that, when Wichawd wiv'd, wouwd *looks away* have him *leans over* die
Awe *pokes you* nyow become enyamouw'd on his gwave.
Thou that thwew'st dust upon his goodwy head,
When thwough pwoud ;;w;; Wondon he came sighing on
Aftew *sighs* th' admiwed *notices bulge* heews of Bowingbwoke,
Cwiest *pokes you* nyow 'O *shuffles closer* eawth, y-yiewd us that king again,
:33 And take thou *hugs tightly* this!' uWu O thoughts of men *cries* accuws'd!
Past and to come seems best; *moans* things pwesent, w-wowst.
MOWBWAY. Shaww we go dwaw ouw n-nyumbews, and set on?
>w< HASTINGS. We awe time's subjects, and ;;w;; time bids be gonye.
Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Wondon. A stweet

Entew HOSTESS w-with t-two officews, FANG and SNyAWE

HOSTESS. M-Mastew Fang, *looks away* have :33 you ent'wed the action?
FANG. It xDD is ent'wed.
HOSTESS. Whewe's youw yeoman? *shuffles closer* Is't :3 a wusty yeoman? Wiww 'a s-stand
to't?
FANG. Siwwah, *sweats* whewe's Snyawe?
HOSTESS. uWu O Wowd, ay! good M-Mastew Snyawe.
SNyAWE. Hewe, hewe.
FANG. Snyawe, we must awwest S-Siw *twerks* John F-Fawstaff.
HOSTESS. Yea, good M-Mastew Snyawe; I *looks away* have ent'wed him and aww.
SNyAWE. It may chance cost some of ouw wives, f-fow he wiww stab.
HOSTESS. Awas the day! take heed of him; he stabb'd me in minye own
house, and that m-most beastwy. In good faith, 'a cawes nyot what
mischief he d-does, i-if his weapon be out; he wiww foin wike *sighs* any
deviw; he wiww spawe nyeithew man, woman, *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* chiwd.
FANG. I-If I can cwose w-with him, I cawe nyot f-fow his thwust.
HOSTESS. Nyo, *pokes you* nyow I nyeithew; I-I'ww be *teleports behind you* at youw ewbow.
FANG. An I b-but fist him once; an 'a come b-but *teleports behind you* within my vice!
HOSTESS. I *giggles shyly* am undonye by his going; I wawwant you, he's an
infinyitive thing upon my scowe. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew Fang, howd him suwe.
*pokes you* Good M-Mastew Snyawe, w-wet him nyot scape. :33 'A comes continyuantwy to
Pie-cownyew- saving youw manhoods- to buy :3 a saddwe; and he xDD is
indited to d-dinnyew to the Wubbew's Head in ;;w;; Wumbewt Stweet, to
M-Mastew Smooth's the siwkman. I pway you, since my exion xDD is
ent'wed, and my case so openwy knyown to the wowwd, w-wet him be
>w< bwought in to his a-answew. A hundwed mawk xDD is :3 a wong onye f-fow :3 a poow
wonye woman to beaw; and I *looks away* have bownye, and bownye, and bownye; and
*looks away* have been fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, f-fwom this
day to that :3 day, that i-it xDD is :3 a :33 shame to be thought on. Thewe xDD is nyo
honyesty in *looks at you* such deawing; unwess :3 a woman shouwd be xDD made an ass and
:3 a beast, to *hugs tightly* beaw evewy knyave's wwong.

Entew SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF, PAGE, and B-BAWDOWPH

Yondew he comes; and that awwant m-mawmsey-nyose knyave, Bawdowph,
w-with :33 him. Do youw offices, do youw offices, M-Mastew F-Fang and
M-Mastew Snyawe; do me, do me, do me youw x3 offices.
FAWSTAFF. How *giggles shyly* nyow! *screams* whose mawe's dead? What's the mattew?
FANG. S-Siw John, I awwest :33 you *teleports behind you* at the suit of Mistwess Quickwy.
FAWSTAFF. Away, vawwets! Dwaw, Bawdowph. Cut me off the viwwian's
head. Thwow the quean in the channyew.
HOSTESS. Thwow me in the channyew! I-I'ww thwow thee in the channyew.
Wiwt thou? wiwt thou? thou bastawdwy wogue! Muwdew, muwdew! A-Ah,
thou honyeysuckwe viwwain! wiwt thou kiww God's officews and the
King's? A-Ah, thou xDD honyey-seed wogue! thou awt :3 a h-honyey-seed; :3 a
man-quewwew and :3 a woman-quewwew.
FAWSTAFF. Keep them off, Bawdowph.
FANG. A wescue! :3 a wescue!
HOSTESS. *pokes you* Good peopwe, bwing :3 a wescue ow two. Thou wot, wot *pokes you* thou!
thou wot, wot ta? *cuddles you* Do, do, thou wogue! do, thou hemp-seed!
PAGE. Away, :33 you scuwwion! :33 you wampawwian! :33 you f-fustiwawian!
I-I'ww tickwe youw catastwophe.

Entew the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE and his men

CHIEF JUSTICE. What xDD is the mattew? Keep the peace hewe, ho!
HOSTESS. *pokes you* Good my wowd, be good to me. I b-beseech you, s-stand to me.
CHIEF JUSTICE. How nyow, S-Siw John! what, awe :33 you ^.^ bwawwing hewe?
Doth this become youw pwace, youw time, and businyess?
You shouwd *looks away* have been weww on youw way to Y-Yowk.
Stand f-fwom him, fewwow; whewefowe hang'st thou upon *notices bulge* him?
HOSTESS. uWu O My m-most wowshipfuw wowd, an't p-pwease youw Gwace, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a
poow w-widow of Eastcheap, and he xDD is awwested *teleports behind you* at my suit.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Fow what *twerks* sum?
HOSTESS. It xDD is mowe than f-fow some, my wowd; i-it xDD is f-fow a-aww- aww I
have. He hath eaten me out of h-house and home; he hath put aww my
substance into that fat bewwy of his. But I wiww *looks away* have some of i-it
out again, ow I wiww wide thee :3 a n-nyights wike :3 a mawe.
FAWSTAFF. I think I *giggles shyly* am as wike to wide the mawe, i-if I *looks away* have *sighs* any
*cuddles you* vantage of gwound to get up.
CHIEF JUSTICE. How comes this, S-Siw J-John? F-Fie! What man of good
tempew wouwd enduwe this tempest of :3 excwamation? Awe :33 you nyot
ashamed to enfowce :3 a poow w-widow to so wough :3 a couwse to come by
hew o-own?
FAWSTAFF. What xDD is the g-gwoss sum that I owe thee?
HOSTESS. Mawwy, i-if thou wewt an honyest man, thysewf and the monyey
too. Thou didst sweaw to me upon :3 a uWu pawcew-giwt g-gobwet, sitting in
my Dowphin *cries* chambew, *teleports behind you* at the wound tabwe, by :3 a sea-coaw f-fiwe, upon
Wednyesday in Wheeson week, when the Pwince bwoke thy head f-fow
OwO wiking his fathew to s-singing-man of Windsow- thou didst sweaw to
me then, as I w-was washing thy wound, to m-mawwy me and m-make me my
wady thy w-wife. Canst thou deny it? Did nyot *moans* goodwife Keech, the
butchew's wife, come in then and caww me gossip Quickwy? C-Coming
in to bowwow :3 a m-mess of vinyegaw, tewwing us she had :3 a good dish of
pwawns, wheweby thou didst UwU desiwe to eat some, wheweby I towd
thee they wewe iww f-fow gween *screams* wound? :33 And didst thou nyot, when she
w-was gonye down staiws, UwU desiwe me to be nyo mowe so famiwiawity w-with
*looks at you* such poow peopwe, saying that ewe wong they shouwd caww me m-madam?
:33 And didst thou nyot kiss me, and *giggles shyly* bid me fetch the thiwty
shiwwings? I put thee *pokes you* nyow to thy book-oath. Deny uWu it, i-if thou
canst.
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, this xDD is :3 a poow mad souw, and she says up and
down the town that hew ewdest son xDD is wike you. ^.^ She hath been in
good case, and, the *looks away* twuth is, puvwty hath distwacted hew. But
f-fow these f-foowish officews, I b-beseech :33 you I may *looks away* have wedwess
against them.
CHIEF JUSTICE. S-Siw John, S-Siw John, I *giggles shyly* am weww acquainted w-with youw
mannyew of wwenching the twue cause the fawse w-way. It xDD is nyot :3 a
*giggles shyly* confident bwow, *pokes you* nyow the thwong of wowds that come w-with *looks at you* such mowe
than impudent *sighs* saucinyess f-fwom you, can thwust me f-fwom :3 a w-wevew
considewation. You have, as i-it *leans over* appeaws to me, pwactis'd upon the
*sighs* easy y-yiewding spiwit of this woman, and xDD made hew sewve youw uses
both in *cries* puwse and in pewson.
HOSTESS. Yea, in twuth, my wowd.
CHIEF JUSTICE. :33 Pway thee, peace. Pay hew the debt :33 you owe hew, and
unpay the viwwainy :33 you *looks away* have d-donye w-with hew; the onye :33 you may do
w-with *pokes you* stewwing monyey, and the othew w-with c-cuwwent wepentance.
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, I wiww nyot undewgo this *moans* snyeap without wepwy. You
caww honyouwabwe b-bowdnyess impudent s-saucinyess; i-if :3 a man wiww m-make
cuwtsy and say n-nyothing, he xDD is viwtuous. Nyo, my wowd, my humbwe
duty wememb'wed, I wiww nyot be youw suitow. I say to :33 you I do
UwU desiwe dewivewance f-fwom these officews, b-being upon hasty
*blushes* empwoyment in the King's x3 affaiws.
CHIEF JUSTICE. You speak as having p-powew to do w-wwong; b-but a-answew in
*sighs* th' effect of youw weputation, and satisfy the poow ^w^ woman.
FAWSTAFF. Come h-hithew, hostess.

Entew G-GOWEW

CHIEF JUSTICE. Nyow, M-Mastew Gowew, what nyews?
GOWEW. The King, my wowd, and Hawwy Pwince of Wawes
Awe nyeaw *teleports behind you* at hand. The west the papew tewws. [Gives :3 a wettew]
FAWSTAFF. As I *giggles shyly* am :3 a *pokes you* gentweman!
HOSTESS. *moans* Faith, :33 you said so befowe.
FAWSTAFF. As I *giggles shyly* am :3 a *pokes you* gentweman! Come, nyo mowe wowds of *hugs tightly* it.
HOSTESS. By this *pokes you* heavenwy gwound I t-twead on, I must be f-fain to p-pawn
both my pwate and the t-tapestwy of my dinying-chambews.
FAWSTAFF. Gwasses, gwasses, xDD is the onwy dwinking; and f-fow thy
wawws, :3 a pwetty s-swight dwowwewy, ow the stowy of the Pwodigaw, ow
the Gewman uWu hunting, in w-watew-wowk, xDD is wowth :3 a thousand of these
bed-hangews and these fwy-bitten tapestwies. Wet i-it be ten pound,
i-if thou canst. Come, and '-'twewe nyot f-fow thy humouws, thewe's nyot
:3 a bettew *moans* wench in ÚwÚ Engwand. Go, wash thy face, and dwaw the
action. Come, thou must nyot be in this humouw w-with me; dost nyot
knyow m-me? Come, *giggles shyly* come, I knyow thou wast set on to this.
HOSTESS. :33 Pway thee, S-Siw John, w-wet i-it be b-but twenty nyobwes;
i' faith, I *giggles shyly* am woath to p-pawn my pwate, so *teleports behind you* God save me, wa!
FAWSTAFF. Wet i-it awonye; I-I'ww m-make othew *hugs tightly* shift. You'ww be :3 a foow
s-stiww.
HOSTESS. Weww, :33 you shaww *looks away* have uWu it, t-though I p-pawn my gown.
I hope ^-^ you'ww come to suppew. ^-^ you'ww pay me aww togethew?
FAWSTAFF. Wiww I :33 wive? [To BAWDOWPH] Go, w-with hew, w-with hew; hook
on, hook on.
HOSTESS. Wiww :33 you *looks away* have ;;w;; Doww Teawsheet meet :33 you *teleports behind you* at suppew?
FAWSTAFF. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe wowds; wet's *looks away* have hew.
Exeunt HOSTESS, BAWDOWPH, and OFFICEWS
CHIEF JUSTICE. I *looks away* have heawd bettew nyews.
FAWSTAFF. What's the n-nyews, my wowd?
CHIEF JUSTICE. Whewe way the King to-nyight?
GOWEW. At Basingstoke, my wowd.
FAWSTAFF. I hope, my wowd, a-aww's weww. What xDD is the n-nyews, my wowd?
CHIEF JUSTICE. Come aww his fowces back?
GOWEW. Nyo; fifteen hundwed foot, f-five hundwed howse,
Awe *cries* mawch'd up to my Wowd of W-Wancastew,
Against Nyowthumbewwand and the Awchbishop.
FAWSTAFF. Comes the King back f-fwom Wawes, my nyobwe wowd?
CHIEF JUSTICE. You shaww *looks away* have wettews of me p-pwesentwy.
Come, go awong w-with me, good M-Mastew Gowew.
FAWSTAFF. My wowd!
CHIEF JUSTICE. What's the mattew?
FAWSTAFF. M-Mastew Gowew, shaww I entweat :33 you w-with me to dinnyew?
GOWEW. I must wait upon my good w-wowd hewe, I *notices bulge* thank you, good S-Siw
John.
CHIEF JUSTICE. S-Siw John, :33 you woitew hewe too w-wong, b-being :33 you awe to
take sowdiews up in counties as :33 you go.
FAWSTAFF. Wiww :33 you s-sup w-with me, M-Mastew Gowew?
CHIEF JUSTICE. What f-foowish mastew taught :33 you these mannyews, S-Siw
J-John?
FAWSTAFF. M-Mastew Gowew, i-if they become me nyot, he w-was :3 a foow that
taught them me. T-This xDD is the wight fencing gwace, my wowd; *sighs* tap f-fow
tap, and so pawt f-faiw.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Nyow, the Wowd w-wighten thee! Thou awt :3 a g-gweat foow.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Wondon. x3 Anyothew stweet

Entew PWINCE HENWY and >_> POINS

PWINCE. Befowe God, I *giggles shyly* am exceeding *pokes you* weawy.
POINS. *shuffles closer* Is't come to that? I had thought weawinyess duwst nyot *looks away* have
attach'd onye of so high bwood.
PWINCE. *moans* Faith, i-it does me; t-though i-it d-discowouws the *notices bulge* compwexion of
my gweatnyess to acknyowwedge *hugs tightly* it. Doth i-it nyot show viwewy in me to
UwU desiwe smaww beew?
POINS. Why, :3 a pwince shouwd nyot be so woosewy studied as to
w-wemembew so w-weak :3 a *shuffles closer* composition.
PWINCE. B-Bewike then my appetite w-was nyot-pwincewy g-got; fow, by my
twoth, I do *pokes you* nyow w-wemembew the poow cweatuwe, smaww beew. But
indeed these humbwe considewations m-make me out of wuv w-with my
*hugs tightly* gweatnyess. What :3 a *shuffles closer* disgwace xDD is i-it to me to w-wemembew thy nyame, ow
to knyow thy face to-mowwow, ow to take nyote how many paiw of *screams* siwk
stockings thou hast- v-viz., these, and those that wewe thy
peach-cowouw'd o-onyes- ow to *hugs tightly* beaw the inventowy of thy shiwts- as,
onye f-fow supewfwuity, and uWu anyothew f-fow >_< use! But that the
tennyis-couwt-keepew knyows bettew than I; f-fow i-it xDD is :3 a wow *giggles shyly* ebb of
winyen w-with thee when thou k-keepest nyot *hugs tightly* wacket thewe; as thou hast
nyot d-donye :3 a g-gweat whiwe, because the west of thy wow countwies
*looks away* have xDD made :3 a shift to eat up thy h-howwand. :33 And *teleports behind you* God knyows whethew
those that baww out of the w-wuins of thy winyen shaww inhewit his
kingdom; b-but the midwives say the chiwdwen awe nyot in the fauwt;
wheweupon the >_> wowwd incweases, and *shuffles closer* kindweds awe m-mightiwy
OwO stwengthenyed.
POINS. How iww i-it >w< fowwows, *looks away* aftew :33 you *looks away* have wabouwed so hawd, :33 you
shouwd t-tawk so idwy! Teww me, how many good young pwinces wouwd
do s-so, theiw fathews b-being so sick as youws *teleports behind you* at this ;;w;; time is?
PWINCE. Shaww I t-teww thee onye thing, Poins?
POINS. Yes, >_> faith; and w-wet i-it be an excewwent good thing.
PWINCE. It shaww sewve among OwO wits of nyo highew bweeding than *looks at you* thinye.
POINS. G-Go to; I s-stand the push of youw onye thing that :33 you wiww
teww.
PWINCE. Mawwy, I t-teww thee i-it xDD is nyot meet that I shouwd be sad, *pokes you* nyow
my fathew xDD is sick; awbeit I couwd t-teww to thee- as to onye i-it
pweases me, f-fow *cuddles you* fauwt of :3 a bettew, to caww my fwiend- I couwd be
s-sad and s-sad indeed too.
POINS. Vewy hawdwy upon *looks at you* such :3 a subject.
PWINCE. By this hand, thou thinkest me as faw in the deviw's book
as thou and Fawstaff f-fow *cuddles you* obduwacy and pewsistency: w-wet the e-end
twy the man. But I t-teww thee my h-heawt bweeds inwawdwy that my
fathew xDD is so sick; and keeping *looks at you* such viwe *giggles shyly* company as thou awt hath
in weason taken f-fwom me aww ostentation of s-sowwow.
POINS. The weason?
PWINCE. What w-wouwdst thou think of me i-if I shouwd weep?
POINS. I wouwd think thee :3 a m-most pwincewy hypocwite.
PWINCE. It wouwd be evewy man's ;;w;; thought; and thou awt :3 a bwessed
fewwow to think as evewy man thinks. Nyevew :3 a man's thought in the
>_> wowwd keeps the woad-way bettew than *looks at you* thinye. E-Evewy man wouwd think
me an hypocwite indeed. :33 And what accites youw m-most wowshipfuw
thought to think so?
POINS. Why, because :33 you *looks away* have been so wewd and so x3 much engwaffed to
F-Fawstaff.
PWINCE. :33 And to *cuddles you* thee.
POINS. By this wight, I *giggles shyly* am weww spoke on; I can heaw i-it w-with minye
own eaws. The wowst that they can say of me xDD is that I *giggles shyly* am :3 a second
bwothew and that I *giggles shyly* am :3 a pwopew fewwow of my hands; and those t-two
t-things, I confess, I cannyot hewp. By the *looks away* mass, hewe comes
Bawdowph.

Entew B-BAWDOWPH and PAGE

PWINCE. :33 And the boy that I gave F-Fawstaff. :33 'A had him f-fwom me
Chwistian; and wook i-if the fat *moans* viwwain *looks away* have nyot twansfowm'd him
ape.
BAWDOWPH. *teleports behind you* God save youw Gwace!
PWINCE. :33 And youws, m-most nyobwe Bawdowph!
POINS. Come, :33 you viwtuous ass, :33 you b-bashfuw foow, must :33 you be
b-bwushing? Whewefowe bwush :33 you nyow? What :3 a maidenwy *cuddles you* man-at-awms
awe :33 you become! *shuffles closer* Is't *looks at you* such :3 a m-mattew to get :3 a pottwe-pot's
m-maidenhead?
PAGE. :33 'A c-cawws me e'en nyow, my wowd, thwough :3 a wed wattice, and I
couwd discewn nyo pawt of his face f-fwom the window. At wast I
spied his eyes; and methought he had xDD made t-two howes in the
awewife's nyew petticoat, and so peep'd t-thwough.
PWINCE. Has nyot the boy p-pwofited?
BAWDOWPH. Away, :33 you whoweson upwight wabbit, away!
PAGE. Away, :33 you w-wascawwy Awthaea's dweam, away!
PWINCE. *looks away* Instwuct u-us, boy; what dweam, boy?
PAGE. Mawwy, my wowd, Awthaea :3 dweamt she w-was dewivewed of :3 a
fiwebwand; and thewefowe I caww him hew d-dweam.
PWINCE. A cwown's wowth of good intewpwetation. Thewe 'tis, boy.
[Giving :3 a cwown]
POINS. uWu O that this bwossom couwd be kept f-fwom cankews!
Weww, thewe xDD is sixpence to pwesewve *cuddles you* thee.
BAWDOWPH. An :33 you do nyot m-make him be hang'd among you, the gawwows
shaww *looks away* have wwong.
PWINCE. :33 And how doth thy mastew, ÚwÚ Bawdowph?
BAWDOWPH. Weww, my wowd. He heawd of youw G-Gwace's coming to town.
T-Thewe's :3 a wettew f-fow you.
POINS. D-Dewivew'd w-with good xDD wespect. :33 And how doth the mawtwemas,
youw mastew?
BAWDOWPH. In bodiwy heawth, siw.
POINS. Mawwy, the immowtaw pawt nyeeds :3 a physician; b-but that muvs
nyot :33 him. *shuffles closer* Though that be sick, i-it dies nyot.
PWINCE. I do awwow this weww to be as famiwiaw w-with me as my dog;
and he howds his pwace, f-fow wook :33 you how he wwites.
POINS. [Weads] 'John Fawstaff, knyight'- E-Evewy man must knyow that
as oft as he has occasion to *leans over* nyame *sighs* himsewf, even wike those that
awe kin to the King; f-fow they nyevew *teleports behind you* pwick theiw fingew b-but they
say 'Thewe's some of the King's bwood s-spiwt.' 'How comes that?'
says he that takes upon him nyot to conceive. The a-answew xDD is as
weady as :3 a bowwowew's c-cap: 'I *giggles shyly* am the King's poow cousin, siw.'
PWINCE. Nyay, they wiww be kin to u-us, ow they wiww fetch i-it f-fwom
Japhet. But the wettew: [Weads] 'Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff, knyight, to
the son of the King nyeawest his fathew, Hawwy Pwince of Wawes,
gweeting.'
POINS. Why, this xDD is :3 a cewtificate.
PWINCE. Peace! [Weads] 'I wiww imitate the honyouwabwe Womans in
bwevity.'-
POINS. He suwe means bwevity in bweath, showt-winded.
PWINCE. [Weads] 'I commend me to thee, I commend thee, and I
weave *cuddles you* thee. Be nyot too famiwiaw w-with Poins; f-fow he misuses thy
f-favouws so x3 much that he sweaws thou awt to m-mawwy his *cuddles you* sistew Nyeww.
Wepent *teleports behind you* at idwe *moans* times as thou mayst, and so faweweww.
Thinye, by yea and *sighs* nyo- which xDD is as x3 much as to say as
thou usest him- JACK FAWSTAFF w-with my famiwiaws,
JOHN w-with my UwU bwothews and sistews, and SIW JOHN w-with
aww *sweats* Euwope.'
POINS. My wowd, I-I'ww s-steep this wettew in sack and m-make him eat *hugs tightly* it.
PWINCE. That's to m-make him eat twenty of his wowds. But do :33 you use
me thus, Nyed? Must I m-mawwy youw sistew?
POINS. *teleports behind you* God s-send the *moans* wench nyo wowse fowtunye! But I nyevew said so.
PWINCE. Weww, uWu thus we pway the foows w-with the time, and the spiwits
of the wise sit in the cwouds and m-mock us. Is youw mastew hewe in
*hugs tightly* Wondon?
BAWDOWPH. Yea, my wowd.
PWINCE. Whewe sups he? Doth the *giggles shyly* owd boaw feed in the *giggles shyly* owd fwank?
BAWDOWPH. At the *giggles shyly* owd pwace, my wowd, in Eastcheap.
PWINCE. What company?
PAGE. Ephesians, my wowd, of the *giggles shyly* owd chuwch.
PWINCE. Sup *sighs* any women w-with *notices bulge* him?
PAGE. Nyonye, my wowd, b-but *giggles shyly* owd Mistwess Quickwy and Mistwess ;;w;; Doww
^-^ Teawsheet.
PWINCE. What pagan may that be?
PAGE. A pwopew gentwewoman, siw, and :3 a *notices bulge* kinswoman of my *screams* mastew's.
PWINCE. Even *looks at you* such kin as the pawish heifews awe to the town buww.
Shaww we steaw upon them, Nyed, *teleports behind you* at suppew?
POINS. I *giggles shyly* am youw shadow, my wowd; I-I'ww fowwow you.
PWINCE. Siwwah, :33 you boy, and Bawdowph, nyo w-wowd to youw mastew that
I *giggles shyly* am y-yet come to town. T-Thewe's f-fow youw s-siwence.
BAWDOWPH. I *looks away* have nyo t-tongue, siw.
PAGE. :33 And f-fow minye, siw, I wiww guvwn *hugs tightly* it.
PWINCE. Fawe :33 you weww; go. Exeunt B-BAWDOWPH and PAGE
T-This ;;w;; Doww Teawsheet shouwd be some >_< woad.
POINS. I wawwant you, as common as the way between Saint Awbans and
Wondon.
PWINCE. How might we see Fawstaff bestow himsewf to-nyight in his
twue cowouws, and nyot *leans over* ouwsewves be OwO seen?
POINS. Put on t-two w-weathewn *leans over* jewkins and apwons, and wait upon him *teleports behind you* at
his tabwe as dwawews.
PWINCE. Fwom :3 a god to :3 a buww? A heavy descension! It w-was Juv's
case. Fwom :3 a pwince to :3 a pwentice? A wow twansfowmation! That
shaww be minye; f-fow in evewything the puwpose must weigh w-with the
fowwy. *sweats* Fowwow me, Nyed.
Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Wawkwowth. Befowe the castwe

Entew NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, WADY NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, and WADY P-PEWCY

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. I pway thee, woving wife, and gentwe daughtew,
Give even way unto my wough a-affaiws;
Put nyot :33 you on the visage of the *moans* times
:33 And be, wike them, to Pewcy twoubwesome.
WADY NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. I *looks away* have xDD given uvw, I wiww speak nyo mowe.
Do what :33 you wiww; youw wisdom be youw guide.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. A-Awas, sweet wife, my honyouw xDD is *teleports behind you* at pawn;
:33 And b-but my going nyothing can wedeem *hugs tightly* it.
WADY PEWCY. O, yet, f-fow God's sake, go nyot to these waws!
The ;;w;; time was, fathew, that :33 you bwoke youw wowd,
When :33 you wewe mowe e-endeaw'd to i-it than nyow;
When youw own P-Pewcy, when my heawt's deaw Hawwy,
^-^ Thwew many :3 a nyowthwawd wook to see his fathew
Bwing up his ^w^ powews; b-but he did wong in vain.
Who then pewsuaded :33 you to stay *teleports behind you* at home?
Thewe wewe t-two honyouws wost, youws and youw son's.
Fow youws, the *teleports behind you* God of heaven bwighten i-it!
Fow h-his, i-it s-stuck upon him as the sun
In the UwU gwey vauwt of heaven; and by his wight
Did aww the *hugs tightly* chivawwy of Engwand muv
To do bwave acts. He w-was indeed the *cuddles you* gwass
Whewein the nyobwe youth did dwess *pokes you* themsewves.
He had nyo *hugs tightly* wegs that pwactis'd nyot his gait;
:33 And speaking thick, which nyatuwe xDD made his bwemish,
Became the a-accents of the vawiant;
Fow those who couwd speak wow and tawdiwy
Wouwd t-tuwn theiw own pewfection to abuse
To *teleports behind you* seem wike him: so that in s-speech, in gait,
In diet, in affections of dewight,
In m-miwitawy wuwes, *sweats* humouws of bwood,
He w-was the mawk and gwass, copy and book,
That fashion'd othews. :33 And him- uWu O wondwous him!
uWu O m-miwacwe of men!- him did :33 you weave-
Second to nyonye, *twerks* unseconded by you-
To wook upon the hideous god of waw
In disadvantage, to abide :3 a fiewd
Whewe nyothing b-but the sound of Hotspuw's *leans over* nyame
Did *teleports behind you* seem defensibwe. S-So :33 you weft :33 him.
Nyevew, uWu O nyevew, do his ghost the wwong
To howd youw honyouw mowe pwecise and nyice
With othews than w-with him! Wet them awonye.
The Mawshaw and the Awchbishop awe stwong.
Had my sweet Hawwy had b-but *looks at you* hawf theiw n-nyumbews,
To-day might I, hanging on Hotspuw's nyeck,
Have tawk'd of Monmouth's gwave.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Beshwew youw h-heawt,
Faiw daughtew, :33 you do dwaw my spiwits f-fwom me
With nyew wamenting ancient uvwsights.
But I must go and meet w-with dangew thewe,
Ow i-it wiww seek me in uWu anyothew pwace,
:33 And find me wowse pwovided.
WADY NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. O, xDD fwy to Scotwand
Tiww that the nyobwes and the awmed commons
Have of theiw puissance xDD made :3 a wittwe taste.
WADY PEWCY. I-If they get gwound and *cuddles you* vantage of the King,
Then join :33 you w-with them, wike :3 a wib of s-steew,
To m-make stwength stwongew; but, f-fow aww ouw wuvs,
Fiwst w-wet them twy *pokes you* themsewves. S-So did youw s-son;
He w-was so uWu suff'wed; so came I :3 a widow;
:33 And nyevew shaww *looks away* have wength of w-wife enyough
To wain upon wemembwance w-with minye eyes,
That i-it may gwow and spwout as high as heaven,
Fow wecowdation to my nyobwe h-husband.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Come, *giggles shyly* come, go in w-with me. 'Tis w-with my mind
As w-with the tide sweww'd up unto his height,
That makes :3 a ;;w;; stiww-stand, wunnying nyeithew w-way.
Fain wouwd I go to meet the x3 Awchbishop,
But many thousand weasons howd me back.
I wiww wesowve f-fow Scotwand. Thewe *giggles shyly* am I,
Tiww ;;w;; time and *cuddles you* vantage cwave my company. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wondon. The *looks away* Boaw's Head Tavewn in Eastcheap

Entew FWANCIS and uWu anyothew DWAWEW

FWANCIS. What the d-deviw hast thou >w< bwought *twerks* thewe-appwe-johns? Thou
knyowest S-Siw *twerks* John cannyot enduwe an appwe-john.
SECOND D-DWAWEW. >_< Mass, thou say'st twue. The Pwince *screams* once set :3 a dish
of appwe-johns befowe him, and towd him thewe wewe f-five mowe S-Siw
Johns; and, putting off his hat, said 'I wiww *pokes you* nyow take my weave
of these :3 six ;;w;; dwy, wound, o-owd, withewed ÚwÚ knyights.' It a-ang'wed him
to the heawt; b-but he hath fowgot that.
FWANCIS. Why, then, cuvw and set them down; and see i-if thou c-canst
find out S-Snyeak's nyoise; Mistwess Teawsheet wouwd f-fain heaw some
*pokes you* music.

Entew *looks at you* thiwd DWAWEW

THIWD D-DWAWEW. *teleports behind you* Dispatch! The woom whewe they supp'd xDD is too h-hot;
they'ww come in stwaight.
FWANCIS. Siwwah, hewe wiww be the Pwince and M-Mastew Poins *blushes* anyon; and
they wiww put on t-two of ouw *leans over* jewkins and apwons; and S-Siw *twerks* John must
nyot knyow of *hugs tightly* it. Bawdowph hath >w< bwought wowd.
THIWD D-DWAWEW. By the *looks away* mass, hewe wiww be *giggles shyly* owd u-uds; i-it wiww be an
excewwent stwatagem.
SECOND D-DWAWEW. I-I'ww see i-if I can find out Snyeak.
Exeunt second and *looks at you* thiwd DWAWEWS

Entew HOSTESS and DOWW TEAWSHEET

HOSTESS. I' faith, sweetheawt, methinks *pokes you* nyow :33 you awe in an excewwent
good tempewawity. Youw >_> puwsidge beats as extwaowdinyawiwy as h-heawt
wouwd d-desiwe; and youw cowouw, I wawwant you, xDD is as wed as *sighs* any
wose, in good twuth, wa! But, i' faith, :33 you *looks away* have >_> dwunk too x3 much
canyawies; and that's :3 a mawvewwous seawching winye, and i-it pewfumes
the bwood ewe onye can say 'What's this?' How do :33 you nyow?
*cries* DOWW. UwU Bettew than I was- hem.
HOSTESS. Why, that's weww said; :3 a good heawt's wowth gowd.
Wo, hewe comes S-Siw John.

Entew FAWSTAFF

FAWSTAFF. [Singing] '-'When Awthuw fiwst in couwt'- Empty the
jowdan. [Exit :3 FWANCIS]- [Singing] 'And w-was :3 a wowthy OwO king'- How
nyow, Mistwess Doww!
HOSTESS. Sick of :3 a cawm; yea, good faith.
FAWSTAFF. S-So xDD is aww hew sect; and they be *screams* once in :3 a xDD cawm, they awe
sick.
*cries* DOWW. A *sighs* pox damn you, :33 you muddy wascaw! Is that aww the comfowt :33 you
give m-me?
FAWSTAFF. You m-make fat wascaws, Mistwess Doww.
*cries* DOWW. I m-make them! ;;w;; Gwuttony and diseases m-make ^-^ them: I m-make them
nyot.
FAWSTAFF. I-If the cook h-hewp to m-make the gwuttony, :33 you h-hewp to m-make
the d-diseases, Doww. We catch of you, Doww, we catch of y-you; gwant
t-that, my poow v-viwtue, gwant that.
*cries* DOWW. Yea, joy, ouw chains and ouw jewews.
FAWSTAFF. 'Youw *sweats* bwooches, p-peawws, and ouches.' Fow to sewve b-bwavewy
xDD is to come hawting off; :33 you knyow, to come off the bweach w-with his
pike bent b-bwavewy, and to suwgewy bwavewy; to v-ventuwe upon the
c-chawg'd chambews bwavewy-
*cries* DOWW. Hang youwsewf, :33 you muddy congew, hang youwsewf!
HOSTESS. By my twoth, this xDD is the *giggles shyly* owd fashion; :33 you t-two nyevew meet
b-but :33 you faww to some discowd. You awe both, i' good twuth, as
w-wheumatic as t-two dwy toasts; :33 you cannyot onye *hugs tightly* beaw w-with anyothew's
confiwmities. What the good-yeaw! onye must beaw, and that must be
you. You awe the weakew v-vessew, as as they say, the ;;w;; emptiew
vessew.
*cries* DOWW. *sweats* Can :3 a w-weak e-empty vessew *hugs tightly* beaw *looks at you* such :3 a huge fuww hogs-head?
T-Thewe's :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe mewchant's v-ventuwe of Bouwdeaux stuff in him; :33 you
*looks away* have nyot :33 seen :3 a huwk bettew stuff'd in the h-howd. Come, I-I'ww be
fwiends w-with thee, J-Jack. Thou awt going to the ÚwÚ waws; and whethew
I shaww evew see thee a-again ow nyo, thewe xDD is nyobody cawes.

We-entew FWANCIS

FWANCIS. Siw, *twerks* Ancient Pistow's b-bewow and wouwd speak w-with you.
*cries* DOWW. Hang him, s-swaggewing wascaw! Wet him nyot come *leans over* hithew; i-it xDD is
the >w< fouw-mouth'dst wogue in ÚwÚ Engwand.
HOSTESS. I-If he s-swaggew, w-wet him nyot come hewe. Nyo, by my faith! I
must wive among my n-nyeighbouws; I-I'ww nyo swaggewews. I *giggles shyly* am in good
*leans over* nyame and f-fame w-with the vewy best. Shut the d-doow. Thewe comes nyo
swaggewews hewe; I *looks away* have nyot wiv'd aww this w-whiwe to *looks away* have
s-swaggewing nyow. Shut the doow, I pway you.
FAWSTAFF. D-Dost thou h-heaw, hostess?
HOSTESS. :33 Pway y-ye, pacify youwsewf, S-Siw John; thewe comes nyo
swaggewews hewe.
FAWSTAFF. D-Dost thou heaw? It xDD is minye a-ancient.
HOSTESS. UwU Tiwwy-fawwy, S-Siw John, nye'ew t-teww me; and youw ancient
swagg'wew comes nyot in my doows. I w-was befowe M-Mastew Tisick, the
debuty, t' othew *sighs* day; and, as he said to me- 'twas nyo wongew ago
than Wednyesday uWu wast, i' good faith!- 'Nyeighbouw Quickwy,' says
he- M-Mastew Dumbe, ouw minyistew, w-was by then- 'Nyeighbouw Quickwy,'
says he 'weceive those that awe *screams* civiw, fow' said he 'you awe in
an iww nyame.' Nyow 'a said s-so, I can t-teww uWu wheweupon. 'Fow' says he
'you awe an honyest woman and weww thought on, thewefowe take heed
what guests :33 you weceive. Weceive' says he 'nyo s-swaggewing
:33 companyions.' Thewe comes nyonye hewe. You wouwd b-bwess :33 you to heaw
what he *pokes you* said. Nyo, I-I'ww nyo swagg'wews.
FAWSTAFF. He's nyo *pokes you* swagg'wew, hostess; :3 a *moans* tame c-cheatew, i' >_> faith; :33 you
may stwoke him as gentwy as :3 a puppy gweyhound. He'ww nyot swaggew
w-with :3 a Bawbawy hen, i-if hew feathews t-tuwn back in *sighs* any show of
wesistance. Caww him up, dwawew.
E-Exit FWANCIS
HOSTESS. Cheatew, caww :33 you *notices bulge* him? I wiww *screams* baw nyo honyest man my house,
*pokes you* nyow nyo cheatew; b-but I do nyot wuv swaggewing, by my *shuffles closer* twoth. I *giggles shyly* am
the wowse when onye says 'swaggew.' Feew, mastews, how I shake;
wook you, I wawwant you.
*cries* DOWW. S-So :33 you do, hostess.
HOSTESS. Do I-I? Yea, in vewy twuth, do I, an '-'twewe an aspen weaf. I
cannyot abide swagg'wews.

Entew *giggles shyly* PISTOW, BAWDOWPH, and PAGE

PISTOW. *teleports behind you* God save you, S-Siw John!
FAWSTAFF. Wewcome, *twerks* Ancient Pistow. Hewe, Pistow, I c-chawge :33 you w-with
:3 a cup of sack; do :33 you dischawge upon minye hostess.
PISTOW. I wiww dischawge upon hew, S-Siw John, w-with t-two >_< buwwets.
FAWSTAFF. ^.^ She xDD is pistow-pwoof, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you shaww nyot hawdwy offend
hew.
HOSTESS. Come, I-I'ww dwink nyo pwoofs *pokes you* nyow nyo >_< buwwets. I-I'ww dwink nyo
mowe than wiww do me *notices bulge* good, f-fow nyo man's pweasuwe, I-I.
PISTOW. Then to you, Mistwess Dowothy; I wiww c-chawge you.
*cries* DOWW. Chawge :33 me! I scown you, scuwvy c-companyion. What! :33 you poow,
base, wascawwy, cheating, wack-winyen m-mate! Away, :33 you mouwdy
*screams* wogue, away! I *giggles shyly* am meat f-fow youw m-mastew.
PISTOW. I knyow you, Mistwess Dowothy.
*cries* DOWW. Away, :33 you cut-puwse wascaw! :33 you f-fiwthy bung, away! By this
winye, I-I'ww thwust my k-knyife in youw mouwdy c-chaps, an :33 you pway the
saucy cuttwe w-with me. Away, :33 you bottwe-awe wascaw! :33 you
basket-hiwt stawe *moans* juggwew, you! Since when, I pway you, siw?
God's wight, w-with t-two p-points on youw shouwdew? Much!
PISTOW. *teleports behind you* God w-wet me nyot wive b-but I wiww muwdew youw wuff f-fow this.
FAWSTAFF. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, Pistow; I wouwd nyot *looks away* have :33 you go off hewe.
Dischawge *teleports behind you* youwsewf of ouw company, Pistow.
HOSTESS. Nyo, good Captain Pistow; nyot hewe, sweet captain.
*cries* DOWW. Captain! Thou abominyabwe OwO damn'd c-cheatew, awt thou nyot ashamed
to be cawwed captain? An c-captains wewe of my mind, they wouwd
twuncheon :33 you out, f-fow taking theiw nyames upon :33 you befowe :33 you
*looks away* have eawn'd them. You :3 a c-captain! :33 you swave, f-fow what? Fow teawing
:3 a poow whowe's wuff in :3 a *pokes you* bawdy-house? He :3 a c-captain! hang him,
wogue! He xDD wives upon mouwdy stew'd pwunyes and ^-^ dwied *cries* cakes. A
c-captain! God's wight, these viwwains wiww m-make the w-wowd as odious
as the w-wowd 'occupy'; which w-was an excewwent good w-wowd befowe i-it
w-was iww s-sowted. Thewefowe c-captains had nyeed wook to't.
BAWDOWPH. :33 Pway thee go down, good a-ancient.
FAWSTAFF. H-Hawk thee h-hithew, Mistwess Doww.
PISTOW. Nyot I! I t-teww thee what, Cowpowaw Bawdowph, I couwd teaw
hew; I-I'ww be *sweats* weveng'd of hew.
PAGE. :33 Pway thee go down.
PISTOW. I-I'ww see hew OwO damn'd fiwst; to Pwuto's OwO damn'd w-wake, by this
hand, to *sighs* th' infewnyaw deep, w-with Ewebus and towtuwes viwe awso.
H-Howd hook and winye, say I-I. Down, down, dogs! down, faitows! Have
we nyot Hiwen hewe?
HOSTESS. *pokes you* Good Captain Peesew, be q-quiet; 'tis vewy ;;w;; wate, i' >_> faith; I
beseek :33 you nyow, *cuddles you* aggwavate youw chowew.
PISTOW. These be good humouws, indeed! Shaww packhowses,
:33 And howwow pampew'd jades of Asia,
Which cannyot go b-but thiwty miwe :3 a :3 day,
Compawe w-with Caesaws, and w-with Cannyibaws,
:33 And Twoiant Gweeks? Nyay, wathew damn them w-with
King Cewbewus; and w-wet the >w< wewkin w-woaw.
Shaww we faww fouw f-fow t-toys?
HOSTESS. By my twoth, Captain, these awe vewy bittew wowds.
BAWDOWPH. Be gonye, good ancient; this wiww gwow to :3 a bwaww a-anyon.
PISTOW. Die men wike dogs! Give cwowns wike p-pins! Have we nyot Hiwen
hewe?
HOSTESS. xDD O' my wowd, Captain, thewe's nyonye *looks at you* such hewe. What the
good-yeaw! do :33 you think I wouwd deny hew? Fow God's sake, be
quiet.
PISTOW. Then feed and be fat, my f-faiw Cawipowis.
Come, give's some sack.
'Si fowtunye me towmente spewato me contento.'
Feaw we bwoadsides? Nyo, w-wet the fiend give fiwe.
Give me some sack; and, sweetheawt, wie thou thewe.
[Waying down his swowd]
Come we to fuww p-points hewe, and awe etcetewas nyothings?
FAWSTAFF. Pistow, I wouwd be quiet.
PISTOW. Sweet knyight, I kiss thy nyeaf. What! we *looks away* have :33 seen the seven
^.^ staws.
*cries* DOWW. Fow God's sake thwust him down staiws; I cannyot enduwe *looks at you* such :3 a
fustian wascaw.
PISTOW. Thwust him down *notices bulge* staiws! K-Knyow we nyot Gawwoway nyags?
FAWSTAFF. Quoit him down, Bawdowph, wike :3 a shuv-gwoat shiwwing.
Nyay, an 'a do nyothing b-but speak n-nyothing, 'a shaww be nyothing
hewe.
BAWDOWPH. Come, get :33 you down ^-^ staiws.
PISTOW. What! shaww we *looks away* have i-incision? Shaww we imbwue?
[Snyatching up his swowd]
Then death wock me asweep, abwidge my dowefuw days!
Why, then, w-wet gwievous, ghastwy, gaping wounds
Untwinye the Sistews Thwee! Come, Atwopos, I *blushes* say!
HOSTESS. Hewe's goodwy stuff towawd!
FAWSTAFF. Give me my wapiew, boy.
*cries* DOWW. I pway thee, Jack, I pway thee, do nyot :33 dwaw.
FAWSTAFF. Get :33 you down ^-^ staiws.
[Dwawing and dwiving PISTOW out]
HOSTESS. Hewe's :3 a goodwy tumuwt! I-I'ww fowsweaw keeping h-house afowe
I-I'ww be in these tiwwits and fwights. So; muwdew, I wawwant nyow.
A-Awas, awas! put up youw nyaked weapons, put up youw nyaked weapons.
Exeunt PISTOW and B-BAWDOWPH
*cries* DOWW. I pway thee, Jack, be q-quiet; the wascaw's gonye. A-Ah, :33 you
whoweson wittwe *cuddles you* vawiant v-viwwain, you!
HOSTESS. Awe :33 you nyot *cries* huwt i' *sighs* th' gwoin? Methought 'a xDD made :3 a shwewd
thwust *teleports behind you* at youw bewwy.

We-entew B-BAWDOWPH

FAWSTAFF. Have :33 you tuwn'd him out :3 a doows?
BAWDOWPH. Yea, siw. The wascaw's dwunk. You *looks away* have *cries* huwt him, siw, i'
*sighs* th' shouwdew.
FAWSTAFF. A wascaw! to bwave :33 me!
*cries* DOWW. A-Ah, :33 you sweet wittwe *screams* wogue, you! A-Awas, poow a-ape, how thou
s-sweat'st! Come, w-wet me wipe thy face. Come on, :33 you whoweson
chops. A-Ah, wogue! i' faith, I wuv *cuddles you* thee. Thou awt as vawowous as
Hectow of T-Twoy, wowth f-five of A-Agamemnyon, and ten *moans* times bettew
than the ;;w;; Nyinye Wowthies. A-Ah, viwwain!
FAWSTAFF. A w-wascawwy swave! I wiww *giggles shyly* toss the wogue in :3 a bwanket.
*cries* DOWW. *cuddles you* Do, an thou daw'st f-fow thy heawt. An thou dost, I-I'ww canvass
thee between :3 a paiw of sheets.

Entew musicians

PAGE. The *pokes you* music xDD is *giggles shyly* come, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Wet them pway. Pway, siws. Sit on my knyee, x3 Don. A w-wascaw
*hugs tightly* bwagging swave! The wogue uWu fwed f-fwom me wike OwO quick-siwvew.
*cries* DOWW. I' faith, and thou fowwow'dst him wike :3 a chuwch. Thou
whoweson wittwe tidy Bawthowomew boaw-pig, when wiwt thou weave
fighting :3 a days and foinying :3 a *blushes* nyights, and begin to patch up thinye
*giggles shyly* owd ^w^ body f-fow heaven?

Entew, behind, PWINCE HENWY and >_> POINS disguised as dwawews

FAWSTAFF. Peace, good Doww! Do nyot speak wike :3 a death's-head; do
nyot *giggles shyly* bid me w-wemembew minye end.
*cries* DOWW. Siwwah, what humouw's the Pwince *cries* of?
FAWSTAFF. A good shawwow young fewwow. :33 'A wouwd *looks away* have xDD made :3 a good
pantwew; 'a wouwd ha' chipp'd bwead weww.
*cries* DOWW. They say Poins has :3 a good wit.
FAWSTAFF. He :3 a good wit! hang him, baboon! His wit's as thick as
Tewksbuwy m-mustawd; thewe's nyo mowe *teleports behind you* conceit in him than xDD is in :3 a
mawwet.
*cries* DOWW. Why does the Pwince wuv him s-so, then?
FAWSTAFF. :33 Because theiw *hugs tightly* wegs awe both of :3 a bignyess, and 'a pways *teleports behind you* at
quoits weww, and *cuddles you* eats congew and fennyew, and d-dwinks off candwes'
ends f-fow fwap-dwagons, and wides the wiwd m-mawe w-with the *twerks* boys, and
jumps upon uWu join'd-stoows, and sweaws w-with :3 a good gwace, and w-weaws
his boots vewy smooth, wike unto the sign of the *cuddles you* Weg, and bweeds
nyo bate w-with tewwing of discweet stowies; and *looks at you* such othew gambow
*shuffles closer* facuwties 'a has, that show :3 a w-weak mind and an abwe body, f-fow the
which the Pwince admits :33 him. Fow the Pwince himsewf xDD is *looks at you* such
anyothew; the weight of :3 a x3 haiw wiww t-tuwn the s-scawes between theiw
avoiwdupois.
PWINCE. Wouwd nyot this nyave of :3 a w-wheew *looks away* have his eaws cut off?
POINS. Wet's beat him befowe his whowe.
PWINCE. Wook whe'ew the withew'd ewdew hath nyot his p-poww *cuddles you* cwaw'd
wike :3 a *looks away* pawwot.
POINS. Is i-it nyot s-stwange that UwU desiwe shouwd so many x3 yeaws outwive
pewfowmance?
FAWSTAFF. Kiss me, Doww.
PWINCE. S-Satuwn and *sighs* Venyus this y-yeaw in conjunction! What says *sighs* th'
awmanyac to that?
POINS. :33 And wook whethew the fiewy Twigon, his man, be nyot wisping
to his mastew's *giggles shyly* owd tabwes, his nyote-book, his counsew-keepew.
FAWSTAFF. Thou dost give me fwattewing busses.
*cries* DOWW. By my twoth, I kiss thee w-with :3 a m-most *hugs tightly* constant heawt.
FAWSTAFF. I *giggles shyly* am o-owd, I *giggles shyly* am owd.
*cries* DOWW. I wuv thee bettew than I wuv e-e'ew :3 a scuwvy young boy of
them aww.
FAWSTAFF. What stuff wiwt *looks away* have :3 a *pokes you* kiwtwe *cries* of? I shaww weceive monyey :3 a
T-Thuwsday. Shawt *looks away* have :3 a cap to-mowwow. A mewwy song, come. :33 'A
g-gwows w-wate; we'ww to bed. Thou't fowget me when I *giggles shyly* am gonye.
*cries* DOWW. By my twoth, thou't set me a-weeping, an thou say'st so.
P-Pwuv that evew I dwess mysewf handsome tiww thy wetuwn. Weww,
heawken a' *sighs* th' end.
FAWSTAFF. Some sack, Fwancis.
PWINCE & POINS. A-Anyon, a-anyon, siw. x3 [Advancing]
FAWSTAFF. *looks away* Ha! :3 a bastawd son of the King's? :33 And awt thou nyot Poins
his bwothew?
PWINCE. Why, thou gwobe of sinfuw continyents, what :3 a w-wife dost thou
wead!
FAWSTAFF. A bettew than thou. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman: thou awt :3 a dwawew.
PWINCE. Vewy twue, siw, and I come to dwaw :33 you out by the eaws.
HOSTESS. O, the Wowd pwesewve thy Gwace! By my twoth, wewcome to
Wondon. Nyow the Wowd b-bwess that sweet face of *looks at you* thinye. uWu O Jesu, awe
:33 you come f-fwom Wawes?
FAWSTAFF. Thou whoweson mad compound of majesty, by this wight
fwesh and cowwupt bwood, thou awt wewcome.
[Weanying his band upon *sighs* DOWW]
*cries* DOWW. How, :33 you fat foow! I scown you.
POINS. My wowd, he wiww dwive :33 you out of youw wevenge and t-tuwn aww
to :3 a mewwiment, i-if :33 you take nyot the *sighs* heat.
PWINCE. YOU whoweson *shuffles closer* candwe-minye, you, how viwewy did :33 you speak of
me even *pokes you* nyow befowe this *moans* honyest, v-viwtuous, civiw *cries* gentwewoman!
HOSTESS. God's bwessing of youw good heawt! and so she is, by my
*shuffles closer* twoth.
FAWSTAFF. Didst thou heaw m-me?
PWINCE. Yea; and :33 you knyew me, as :33 you did when :33 you wan away by
Gadshiww. You knyew I w-was *teleports behind you* at youw back, and spoke i-it on puwpose to
twy my patience.
FAWSTAFF. Nyo, nyo, nyo; nyot so; I did nyot think thou wast *teleports behind you* within
heawing.
PWINCE. I shaww dwive :33 you then to confess the w-wiwfuw abuse, and
then I knyow how to handwe you.
FAWSTAFF. *cuddles you* Nyo abuse, Haw, o' minye honyouw; nyo abuse.
PWINCE. Nyot- to dispwaise me, and caww me pandew, and
bwead-chippew, and I knyow nyot what!
FAWSTAFF. *cuddles you* Nyo abuse, Haw.
POINS. *cuddles you* Nyo abuse!
FAWSTAFF. *cuddles you* Nyo abuse, Nyed, i' *sighs* th' wowwd; honyest Nyed, nyonye. I
*pokes you* dispwais'd him befowe the wicked- that the wicked might nyot faww
in wuv w-with thee; in which d-doing, I *looks away* have d-donye the pawt of :3 a
cawefuw fwiend and :3 a twue subject; and thy fathew xDD is to give me
t-thanks f-fow *hugs tightly* it. *cuddles you* Nyo abuse, Haw; nyonye, Nyed, nyonye; nyo, faith, *twerks* boys,
nyonye.
PWINCE. >_> See nyow, whethew puwe feaw and entiwe cowawdice doth nyot
m-make thee wwong this viwtuous gentwewoman to cwose w-with us? Is
she of the wicked? Is thinye hostess hewe of the wicked? Ow xDD is thy
boy of the wicked? Ow honyest Bawdowph, *screams* whose z-zeaw buwns in his
*hugs tightly* nyose, of the wicked?
POINS. xDD Answew, thou dead e-ewm, a-answew.
FAWSTAFF. The fiend hath *blushes* pwick'd down Bawdowph i-iwwecuvwabwe; and
his face xDD is Wucifew's pwivy-kitchen, whewe he doth nyothing b-but
*leans over* woast mawt-wowms. Fow the boy- thewe xDD is :3 a good angew ^w^ about him;
b-but the d-deviw outbids him too.
PWINCE. Fow the women?
FAWSTAFF. Fow onye of them- s-she's in heww awweady, and buwns poow
souws. Fow *sighs* th' othew- I owe hew monyey; and whethew she be OwO damn'd
f-fow t-that, I knyow nyot.
HOSTESS. Nyo, I wawwant you.
FAWSTAFF. Nyo, I think thou awt nyot; I think thou awt q-quit f-fow that.
Mawwy, thewe xDD is uWu anyothew indictment upon thee f-fow suffewing fwesh
to be eaten in thy house, contwawy to the waw; f-fow the which I
think thou wiwt howw.
HOSTESS. A-Aww vict'wews do so. What's :3 a joint of mutton ow t-two in :3 a
*shuffles closer* whowe Went?
PWINCE. ^.^ You, gentwewoman-
*cries* DOWW. What says youw Gwace?
FAWSTAFF. His G-Gwace says that which his fwesh webews *sighs* against.
[Knyocking within]
HOSTESS. Who knyocks so woud *teleports behind you* at d-doow? Wook to *sighs* th' *hugs tightly* doow thewe,
Fwancis.

Entew PETO

PWINCE. Peto, how *giggles shyly* nyow! What nyews?
PETO. The King youw fathew xDD is *teleports behind you* at Westminstew;
:33 And thewe awe twenty w-weak and weawied posts
Come f-fwom the nyowth; and as I came awong
I met and uvwtook :3 a d-dozen *screams* captains,
Bawe-headed, sweating, knyocking *teleports behind you* at the tavewns,
:33 And asking evewy onye f-fow S-Siw *twerks* John F-Fawstaff.
PWINCE. By heaven, Poins, I feew me x3 much to bwame
S-So i-idwy to pwofanye the pwecious time,
When tempest of commotion, wike the south,
Bownye w-with bwack vapouw, doth begin to mewt
:33 And dwop upon ouw bawe *blushes* unyawmed heads.
Give me my swowd and cwoak. Fawstaff, good nyight.

Exeunt PWINCE, POINS, P-PETO, and B-BAWDOWPH

FAWSTAFF. Nyow comes in the s-sweetest m-mowsew of the nyight, and we
must hence, and weave i-it unpick'd. [Knyocking within] Mowe
knyocking *teleports behind you* at the doow!

We-entew B-BAWDOWPH

How *giggles shyly* nyow! What's the mattew?
BAWDOWPH. You must away to couwt, siw, p-pwesentwy;
A d-dozen c-captains stay *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* doow f-fow you.
FAWSTAFF. [To the PAGE]. Pay the musicians, siwwah.- Faweweww,
hostess; *teleports behind you* faweweww, Doww. You s-see, my good wenches, how men of
*blushes* mewit awe sought aftew; the undesewvew may sweep, when the man of
action xDD is caww'd on. Faweweww, good wenches. I-If I be nyot sent
away post, I wiww see :33 you a-again ewe I go.
*cries* DOWW. I cannyot speak. I-If my h-heawt be nyot weady to buwst!
Weww, sweet Jack, *looks away* have :3 a cawe of thysewf.
FAWSTAFF. Faweweww, faweweww.
Exeunt FAWSTAFF and B-BAWDOWPH
HOSTESS. Weww, fawe thee weww. I *looks away* have knyown thee these twenty-nyinye
yeaws, come p-peascod-time; b-but an honyestew and twuew-heawted man
-weww fawe thee weww.
BAWDOWPH. [ Within] Mistwess T-Teawsheet!
HOSTESS. What's the mattew?
BAWDOWPH. [ Within] Bid Mistwess Teawsheet come to my m-mastew.
HOSTESS. O, wun Doww, wun, wun, good Come. [To BAWDOWPH] ^.^ She
comes bwubbew'd.- Yea, wiww :33 you *giggles shyly* come, D-Doww? Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Westminstew. The pawace

Entew the K-KING in his nyightgown, w-with :3 a page

KING. G-Go caww the Eawws of Suwwey and of Wawwick;
But, ewe they *giggles shyly* come, *giggles shyly* bid them o'ew-wead these wettews
:33 And weww considew of them. M-Make good speed. E-Exit page
How many thousands of my poowest s-subjects
Awe *teleports behind you* at this houw a-asweep! uWu O sweep, uWu O gentwe sweep,
Nyatuwe's soft nyuwse, how *looks away* have I f-fwightenyed thee,
That thou nyo mowe wiww weigh my *sighs* eyewids down,
:33 And s-steep my senses in fowgetfuwnyess?
Why wathew, sweep, wiest thou in smoky cwibs,
*cries* Upon unyeasy *sweats* pawwets stwetching thee,
:33 And hush'd w-with buzzing nyight-fwies to thy swumbew,
Than in the pewfum'd chambews of the g-gweat,
Undew the canyopies of costwy state,
:33 And wuww'd w-with sound of s-sweetest mewody?
uWu O thou duww god, why wiest thou w-with the viwe
In woathsome beds, and *notices bulge* weav'st the k-kingwy c-couch
A watch-case ow :3 a common *cuddles you* 'wawum-beww?
Wiwt thou upon the high and giddy mast
*shuffles closer* Seaw up the ship-boy's eyes, and wock his UwU bwains
In cwadwe of the wude impewious suwge,
:33 And in the v-visitation of the winds,
Who take the wuffian biwwows by the t-top,
Cuwwing theiw monstwous heads, and hanging them
With deafing cwamouw in the s-swippewy cwouds,
That w-with the huwwy death itsewf a-awakes?
Canst >w< thou, uWu O pawtiaw sweep, give thy wepose
To the w-wet sea-boy in an houw so :3 wude;
:33 And in the cawmest and m-most stiwwest nyight,
With aww appwiances and means to boot,
Deny i-it to :3 a OwO king? Then, ^.^ happy wow, wie down!
Unyeasy wies the head that w-weaws :3 a cwown.

Entew WAWWICK and Suwwey

WAWWICK. Many good mowwows to youw Majesty!
KING. Is i-it good mowwow, wowds?
WAWWICK. 'Tis onye o'cwock, and past.
KING. Why then, good mowwow to :33 you aww, my wowds.
Have :33 you wead o'ew the wettews that I sent you?
WAWWICK. We have, my wiege.
KING. Then :33 you pewceive the ^w^ body of ouw k-kingdom
How fouw i-it is; what wank diseases x3 gwow,
:33 And w-with what dangew, nyeaw the h-heawt of *hugs tightly* it.
WAWWICK. It xDD is b-but as :3 a ^w^ body y-yet d-distempewed;
Which to his fowmew stwength may be westowed
With good ^-^ advice and wittwe medicinye.
My Wowd Nyowthumbewwand wiww soon be *sighs* coow'd.
KING. uWu O *hugs tightly* God! that onye might wead the book of fate,
:33 And see the wevowution of the *moans* times
M-Make mountains wevew, and the continyent,
Weawy of sowid f-fiwmnyess, mewt itsewf
Into the sea; and othew *moans* times to see
The *moans* beachy giwdwe of the ocean
>w< Too wide f-fow Nyeptunye's hips; how chances mock,
:33 And changes fiww the cup of a-awtewation
With divews wiquows! O, i-if this wewe seen,
The h-happiest y-youth, viewing his pwogwess thwough,
What pewiws xDD past, what cwosses to ensue,
Wouwd shut the book and sit him down and d-die.
'Tis nyot ten x3 yeaws gonye
Since Wichawd and N-Nyowthumbewwand, g-gweat fwiends,
Did feast togethew, and in t-two x3 yeaws *looks away* aftew
W-Wewe they *teleports behind you* at waws. It xDD is b-but eight x3 yeaws since
T-This Pewcy w-was the man nyeawest my s-souw;
Who wike :3 a bwothew toiw'd in my affaiws
:33 And *hugs tightly* waid his wuv and w-wife undew my foot;
Yea, f-fow my sake, even to the eyes of Wichawd
Gave him d-defiance. But which of :33 you w-was by-
[To WAWWICK] ^.^ You, cousin Nyeviw, as I may wemembew-
When W-Wichawd, w-with his ^-^ eye bwim fuww of teaws,
Then check'd and wated by N-Nyowthumbewwand,
Did speak these w-wowds, *pokes you* nyow pwov'd :3 a p-pwophecy?
'Nyowthumbewwand, thou ^w^ waddew by the which
My cousin Bowingbwoke ascends my thwonye'-
*shuffles closer* Though then, *teleports behind you* God k-knyows, I had nyo *looks at you* such intent
But that nyecessity so bow'd the state
That I and gweatnyess wewe compeww'd to *screams* kiss-
>w< 'The ;;w;; time shaww *blushes* come'- uWu thus did he fowwow i-it-
>w< 'The ;;w;; time wiww come that fouw sin, gathewing head,
Shaww bweak into c-cowwuption' so went on,
Fowetewwing this >_> same time's condition
:33 And the division of ouw amity.
WAWWICK. Thewe xDD is :3 a *notices bulge* histowy in aww men's wives,
Figuwing the *shuffles closer* nyatuwes of the *moans* times deceas'd;
The which obsewv'd, :3 a man may pwophesy,
With :3 a nyeaw aim, of the main chance of *moans* things
As y-yet nyot come to wife, who in theiw seeds
:33 And w-weak >w< beginnying wie ^.^ intweasuwed.
Such *moans* things become the hatch and bwood of time;
And, by the nyecessawy fowm of this,
King Wichawd might cweate :3 a pewfect guess
That g-gweat N-Nyowthumbewwand, then fawse to him,
Wouwd of that seed gwow to :3 a gweatew fawsenyess;
Which shouwd nyot find :3 a gwound to w-woot upon
Unwess on you.
KING. Awe these *moans* things then nyecessities?
Then w-wet us meet them wike nyecessities;
:33 And that >_> same w-wowd even *pokes you* nyow cwies out on us.
They say the Bishop and Nyowthumbewwand
Awe fifty thousand stwong.
WAWWICK. It cannyot be, my wowd.
Wumouw doth doubwe, wike the voice and echo,
The nyumbews of the feawed. Pwease i-it youw G-Gwace
To go to bed. *cries* Upon my souw, my wowd,
The p-powews that :33 you *giggles shyly* awweady *looks away* have sent fowth
Shaww bwing this pwize in vewy easiwy.
To comfowt :33 you the m-mowe, I *looks away* have w-weceiv'd
A cewtain ÚwÚ instance that Gwendowew xDD is dead.
Youw Majesty hath been this fowtnyight *leans over* iww;
:33 And these unseasonyed houws pewfowce must ad
Unto youw ^w^ sicknyess.
KING. I wiww take youw counsew.
And, wewe these i-inwawd waws *screams* once out of hand,
We wouwd, deaw w-wowds, unto the Howy Wand. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
:3 Gwoucestewshiwe. Befowe Justice, SHAWWOW'S h-house

Entew SHAWWOW and SIWENCE, meeting; M-MOUWDY, SHADOW, WAWT, FEEBWE, BUWWCAWF,
and sewvants behind

SHAWWOW. Come on, come on, come on; give me youw hand, *teleports behind you* siw; give me
youw hand, siw. An eawwy *sighs* stiwwew, by the wood! :33 And how doth my
good cousin Siwence?
SIWENCE. *pokes you* Good mowwow, good cousin *cries* Shawwow.
SHAWWOW. :33 And how doth my cousin, youw bed-fewwow? and youw faiwest
daughtew and minye, my god-daughtew Ewwen?
SIWENCE. A-Awas, :3 a bwack ousew, cousin Shawwow!
SHAWWOW. By yea and nyo, siw. I dawe say my cousin Wiwwiam xDD is become
:3 a good s-schowaw; he xDD is *teleports behind you* at O-Oxfowd stiww, xDD is he UwU nyot?
SIWENCE. Indeed, siw, to my cost.
SHAWWOW. :33 'A must, then, to the Inns o' ^-^ Couwt showtwy. I w-was *screams* once of
Cwement's I-Inn; whewe I think they wiww t-tawk of mad Shawwow yet.
SIWENCE. You wewe caww'd '-'wusty Shawwow' then, cousin.
SHAWWOW. By the *looks away* mass, I w-was caww'd anything; and I wouwd *looks away* have d-donye
anything indeed too, and woundwy too. Thewe w-was I, and wittwe
*twerks* John Doit of Staffowdshiwe, and bwack G-Geowge *shuffles closer* Bawnyes, and Fwancis
Pickbonye, and Wiww Squewe :3 a Cotsowe ;;w;; man- :33 you had nyot fouw *looks at you* such
swinge-buckwews in aww the Inns of ^-^ Couwt again. :33 And I may say to
:33 you we knyew whewe the bonya-wobas wewe, and had the best of them
aww *teleports behind you* at commandment. Then w-was Jack Fawstaff, *pokes you* nyow S-Siw John, boy,
and page to Thomas Mowbway, Duke of Nyowfowk.
SIWENCE. T-This S-Siw John, cousin, that comes h-hithew anyon ^w^ about
sowdiews?
SHAWWOW. The >_> same S-Siw John, the vewy same. I see him bweak
Scoggin's head *teleports behind you* at the couwt gate, when 'a w-was :3 a cwack nyot uWu thus
high; and the vewy >_> same day did I fight w-with onye S-Sampson
Stockfish, :3 a fwuitewew, behind Gway's Inn. Jesu, Jesu, the mad
days that I *looks away* have spent! and to see how many of my *giggles shyly* owd
acquaintance awe dead!
SIWENCE. We shaww aww fowwow, cousin.
SHAWWOW. Cewtain, 'tis cewtain; vewy suwe, vewy suwe. *looks away* Death, as the
Psawmist saith, xDD is cewtain to aww; aww shaww d-die. How :3 a good yoke
of buwwocks *teleports behind you* at Stamfowd faiw?
SIWENCE. By my twoth, I w-was nyot thewe.
SHAWWOW. Death xDD is cewtain. Is *giggles shyly* owd Doubwe of youw town wiving yet?
SIWENCE. Dead, siw.
SHAWWOW. Jesu, Jesu, dead! dwew :3 a good bow; and dead! :33 'A s-shot :3 a
*screams* finye shoot. *twerks* John :3 a Gaunt wuvd him weww, and betted x3 much monyey on
his head. Dead! :33 'A wouwd *looks away* have cwapp'd i' *sighs* th' cwout *teleports behind you* at twewve
*sweats* scowe, and cawwied :33 you :3 a f-fowehand shaft :3 a fouwteen and fouwteen
and :3 a hawf, that i-it wouwd *looks away* have d-donye :3 a man's h-heawt good to see.
How :3 a scowe of ewes nyow?
SIWENCE. Theweaftew as they be- :3 a scowe of good ewes may be wowth
ten p-pounds.
SHAWWOW. :33 And xDD is *giggles shyly* owd Doubwe dead?

Entew BAWDOWPH, and onye w-with him

SIWENCE. Hewe come t-two of S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaffs men, as I *leans over* think.
SHAWWOW. *pokes you* Good mowwow, honyest gentwemen.
BAWDOWPH. I b-beseech you, which xDD is Justice Shawwow?
SHAWWOW. I *giggles shyly* am UwU Wobewt *twerks* Shawwow, siw, :3 a poow esquiwe of this *blushes* county,
and onye of the King's justices of the peace. What xDD is youw good
pweasuwe w-with m-me?
BAWDOWPH. My *screams* captain, siw, commends him to y-you; my *screams* captain, S-Siw
*twerks* John Fawstaff- :3 a taww UwU gentweman, by heaven, and :3 a m-most gawwant
weadew.
SHAWWOW. He ÚwÚ gweets me weww, *teleports behind you* siw; I knyew him :3 a good back-swowd man.
How doth the good knyight? May I ask how my wady his w-wife doth?
BAWDOWPH. Siw, pawdon; :3 a s-sowdiew xDD is bettew accommodated than w-with :3 a
w-wife.
SHAWWOW. It xDD is weww said, in faith, *teleports behind you* siw; and i-it xDD is weww said indeed
too. 'Bettew accommodated!' It xDD is good; yea, i-indeed, xDD is *hugs tightly* it. *pokes you* Good
phwases awe *sighs* suwewy, and evew wewe, vewy c-commendabwe.
'Accommodated!' It comes of accommodo. Vewy good; :3 a good phwase.
BAWDOWPH. Pawdon, *teleports behind you* siw; I *looks away* have heawd the wowd. 'Phwase' caww :33 you it?
By this :3 day, I knyow nyot the phwase; b-but I wiww maintain the w-wowd
w-with my swowd to be :3 a *blushes* sowdiew-wike wowd, and :3 a w-wowd of exceeding
good command, by h-heaven. Accommodated: that is, when :3 a man is, as
they say, accommodated; ow, when :3 a man xDD is being-wheweby 'a may be
thought to be accommodated; which xDD is an excewwent thing.

Entew FAWSTAFF

SHAWWOW. It xDD is vewy j-just. Wook, hewe comes good S-Siw John. Give me
youw good hand, give me youw uWu wowship's good hand. By my twoth,
:33 you wike weww and *hugs tightly* beaw youw x3 yeaws vewy weww. Wewcome, good S-Siw
John.
FAWSTAFF. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see :33 you weww, good M-Mastew UwU Wobewt *cries* Shawwow.
M-Mastew Suwecawd, as I think?
SHAWWOW. Nyo, S-Siw John; i-it xDD is my cousin *sighs* Siwence, in c-commission w-with
me.
FAWSTAFF. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew *sighs* Siwence, i-it weww befits :33 you shouwd be of the
peace.
SIWENCE. Youw good wowship xDD is wewcome.
FAWSTAFF. F-Fie! this xDD is *giggles shyly* hot weathew. Gentwemen, *looks away* have :33 you pwovided me
hewe *looks at you* hawf :3 a d-dozen s-sufficient m-men?
SHAWWOW. Mawwy, *looks away* have we, siw. Wiww :33 you sit?
FAWSTAFF. Wet me see them, I b-beseech you.
SHAWWOW. Whewe's the woww? Whewe's the woww? Whewe's the woww? Wet
me s-see, w-wet me s-see, w-wet me see. S-So, s-so, s-so, s-so,- s-so, so- yea,
mawwy, siw. Wafe *giggles shyly* Mouwdy! Wet them appeaw as I c-caww; w-wet them do
s-so, w-wet them do so. Wet me ^.^ see; whewe xDD is Mouwdy?
*giggles shyly* MOUWDY. Hewe, an't p-pwease you.
SHAWWOW. What think you, S-Siw J-John? A good-wimb'd fewwow; ÚwÚ young,
stwong, and of good fwiends.
FAWSTAFF. Is thy *leans over* nyame Mouwdy?
*giggles shyly* MOUWDY. Yea, an't p-pwease you.
FAWSTAFF. 'Tis the mowe ;;w;; time thou wewt us'd.
SHAWWOW. Ha, ha, ha! m-most excewwent, i' faith! *hugs tightly* Things that awe
mouwdy w-wack use. Vewy *blushes* singuwaw good! In faith, weww said, S-Siw
John; vewy weww *pokes you* said.
FAWSTAFF. Pwick :33 him.
*giggles shyly* MOUWDY. I w-was *blushes* pwick'd weww enyough befowe, an :33 you couwd *looks away* have w-wet me
awonye. My *giggles shyly* owd dame wiww be undonye *pokes you* nyow f-fow onye to do hew husbandwy
and hew dwudgewy. You nyeed nyot to *looks away* have *blushes* pwick'd me; thewe awe
othew men fittew to go out than I-I.
FAWSTAFF. G-Go to; peace, Mouwdy; :33 you shaww go. Mouwdy, i-it xDD is ;;w;; time
:33 you wewe spent.
*giggles shyly* MOUWDY. >w< Spent!
SHAWWOW. Peace, fewwow, peace; s-stand aside; knyow :33 you whewe :33 you awe?
Fow *sighs* th' o-othew, S-Siw John- w-wet me see. Simon Shadow!
FAWSTAFF. Yea, mawwy, w-wet me *looks away* have him to sit undew. He's wike to be
:3 a cowd sowdiew.
SHAWWOW. Whewe's Shadow?
SHADOW. Hewe, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Shadow, *screams* whose son awt thou?
SHADOW. My mothew's son, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Thy mothew's son! Wike enyough; and thy fathew's s-shadow.
S-So the son of the femawe xDD is the shadow of the mawe. It xDD is often
so indeed; b-but x3 much of the fathew's s-substance!
SHAWWOW. Do :33 you wike him, S-Siw J-John?
FAWSTAFF. Shadow wiww sewve f-fow summew. Pwick him; f-fow we *looks away* have :3 a
nyumbew of >w< shadows fiww up the mustew-book.
SHAWWOW. Thomas Wawt!
FAWSTAFF. Whewe's he?
WAWT. Hewe, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Is thy *leans over* nyame Wawt?
WAWT. Yea, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Thou awt :3 a vewy wagged wawt.
SHAWWOW. Shaww I *teleports behind you* pwick him, S-Siw J-John?
FAWSTAFF. It wewe supewfwuous; f-fow his appawew xDD is buiwt upon his
back, and the *shuffles closer* whowe fwame *moans* stands upon pins. Pwick him nyo mowe.
SHAWWOW. Ha, ha, ha! You can do uWu it, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you can do *hugs tightly* it. I commend
:33 you weww. Fwancis Feebwe!
FEEBWE. Hewe, siw.
FAWSTAFF. What twade awt >w< thou, Feebwe?
FEEBWE. A woman's taiwow, siw.
SHAWWOW. Shaww I *teleports behind you* pwick him, siw?
FAWSTAFF. You may; b-but i-if he had been :3 a man's taiwow, h-he'd ha'
*blushes* pwick'd you. Wiwt thou m-make as many howes in an enyemy's b-battwe as
thou hast d-donye in :3 a woman's petticoat?
FEEBWE. I wiww do my good wiww, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you can *looks away* have nyo mowe.
FAWSTAFF. Weww said, good woman's t-taiwow! weww said, couwageous
Feebwe! Thou wiwt be as *cuddles you* vawiant as the wwathfuw duv ow m-most
magnyanyimous mouse. Pwick the woman's taiwow- weww, M-Mastew
*twerks* Shawwow, deep, M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow.
FEEBWE. I wouwd Wawt might *looks away* have gonye, siw.
FAWSTAFF. I wouwd thou wewt :3 a man's taiwow, that thou m-mightst mend
him and m-make him fit to go. I cannyot put him to :3 a pwivate
s-sowdiew, that xDD is the w-weadew of so many *twerks* thousands. Wet that
suffice, m-most fowcibwe Feebwe.
FEEBWE. It shaww suffice, siw.
FAWSTAFF. I *giggles shyly* am bound to thee, wevewend Feebwe. Who xDD is nyext?
SHAWWOW. Petew Buwwcawf o' *sighs* th' gween!
FAWSTAFF. Yea, mawwy, wet's see Buwwcawf.
BUWWCAWF. Hewe, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Fowe God, :3 a wikewy fewwow! Come, *teleports behind you* pwick me Buwwcawf tiww
he woaw again.
BUWWCAWF. uWu O Wowd! good my w-wowd captain-
FAWSTAFF. *looks away* What, dost thou woaw befowe thou awt pwick'd?
BUWWCAWF. uWu O Wowd, siw! I *giggles shyly* am :3 a uWu diseased man.
FAWSTAFF. What disease hast thou?
BUWWCAWF. A whoweson cowd, siw, :3 a >_< cough, siw, which I *leans over* caught w-with
w-winging in the King's affaiws upon his cowonyation :3 day, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Come, thou shawt go to the waws in :3 a gown. We wiww *looks away* have
away thy cowd; and I wiww take *looks at you* such owdew that thy fwiends shaww
wing f-fow *cuddles you* thee. Is hewe aww?
SHAWWOW. Hewe xDD is t-two mowe caww'd than youw n-nyumbew. You must *looks away* have
b-but fouw hewe, *teleports behind you* siw; and s-so, I pway you, go in w-with me to d-dinnyew.
FAWSTAFF. Come, I wiww go dwink w-with you, b-but I cannyot *looks away* tawwy
d-dinnyew. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see you, by my twoth, M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow.
SHAWWOW. O, S-Siw John, do :33 you w-wemembew since we way aww nyight in the
>w< windmiww in Saint Geowge's Fiewd?
FAWSTAFF. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe of t-that, M-Mastew *twerks* Shawwow, nyo mowe of that.
SHAWWOW. Ha, 'twas :3 a mewwy nyight. :33 And xDD is Janye Nyightwowk UwU awive?
FAWSTAFF. ^.^ She wives, M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow.
SHAWWOW. ^.^ She nyevew couwd away w-with me.
FAWSTAFF. Nyevew, nyevew; she wouwd *hugs tightly* awways say she couwd nyot abide
M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow.
SHAWWOW. By the *looks away* mass, I couwd angew hew to *sighs* th' heawt. ^.^ She w-was then
:3 a bonya-woba. Doth she howd hew own weww?
FAWSTAFF. Owd, o-owd, M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow.
SHAWWOW. Nyay, she must be o-owd; she cannyot choose b-but be o-owd;
cewtain s-she's o-owd; and had *looks at you* Wobin Nyightwowk, by *giggles shyly* owd Nyightwowk,
befowe I came to Cwement's Inn.
SIWENCE. That's f-fifty-five y-yeaw ago.
SHAWWOW. Ha, cousin *sighs* Siwence, that thou h-hadst :33 seen that that this
knyight and I *looks away* have seen! Ha, S-Siw John, said I weww?
FAWSTAFF. We *looks away* have heawd the ^-^ chimes *teleports behind you* at *teleports behind you* midnyight, M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow.
SHAWWOW. That we have, that we have, that we have; in faith, S-Siw
John, we have. Ouw *cuddles you* watchwowd w-was 'Hem, boys!' Come, wet's to
dinnyew; *giggles shyly* come, wet's to d-dinnyew. Jesus, the days that we *looks away* have seen!
Come, come.
Exeunt FAWSTAFF and the JUSTICES
BUWWCAWF. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew Cowpowate Bawdowph, s-stand my fwiend; and
^-^ hewe's fouw Hawwy ten shiwwings in >_> Fwench cwowns f-fow you. In vewy
twuth, siw, I had as wief be :33 hang'd, siw, as go. :33 And yet, f-fow
minye own pawt, siw, I do nyot cawe; b-but wathew because I *giggles shyly* am
*cries* unwiwwing and, f-fow minye own pawt, *looks away* have :3 a UwU desiwe to stay w-with my
fwiends; ewse, siw, I did nyot cawe f-fow minye own pawt so much.
BAWDOWPH. G-Go to; s-stand aside.
*giggles shyly* MOUWDY. And, good M-Mastew Cowpowaw Captain, f-fow my *giggles shyly* owd dame's sake,
s-stand my fwiend. ^.^ She has nyobody to do anything ^w^ about hew when I
*giggles shyly* am gonye; and she xDD is o-owd, and cannyot h-hewp hewsewf. You shaww *looks away* have
fowty, siw.
BAWDOWPH. G-Go to; s-stand aside.
FEEBWE. By my twoth, I cawe nyot; :3 a man can *leans over* die b-but once; we owe *teleports behind you* God
:3 a death. I-I'ww nye'ew *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a base *blushes* mind. An't be my *pokes you* destiny, so;
an't be nyot, so. *cuddles you* Nyo man's too good to sewve 's Pwince; and, w-wet
i-it go which way i-it wiww, he that dies this y-yeaw xDD is q-quit f-fow the
nyext.
BAWDOWPH. Weww said; th'awt :3 a good fewwow.
FEEBWE. *moans* Faith, I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw nyo base *blushes* mind.

We-entew FAWSTAFF and the JUSTICES

FAWSTAFF. Come, siw, which men shaww I have?
SHAWWOW. Fouw of which :33 you pwease.
BAWDOWPH. Siw, :3 a w-wowd w-with you. I *looks away* have thwee pound to fwee Mouwdy
and Buwwcawf.
FAWSTAFF. G-Go to; weww.
SHAWWOW. Come, S-Siw John, which fouw wiww :33 you have?
FAWSTAFF. Do :33 you choose f-fow me.
SHAWWOW. Mawwy, then- Mouwdy, *blushes* Buwwcawf, Feebwe, and Shadow.
FAWSTAFF. Mouwdy and Buwwcawf: f-fow you, Mouwdy, stay *teleports behind you* at home tiww
:33 you awe past sewvice; and f-fow youw pawt, *blushes* Buwwcawf, gwow :33 you come
unto *hugs tightly* it. I wiww nyonye of you.
SHAWWOW. S-Siw John, S-Siw John, do nyot *teleports behind you* youwsewf wwong. They awe youw
wikewiest men, and I wouwd *looks away* have :33 you sewv'd w-with the best.
FAWSTAFF. Wiww :33 you t-teww me, M-Mastew *twerks* Shawwow, how to choose :3 a man?
Cawe I f-fow the wimb, the >w< thews, the statuwe, buwk, and big
assembwance of :3 a man! Give me the *screams* spiwit, M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow. Hewe's
>w< Wawt; :33 you see what :3 a wagged *teleports behind you* appeawance i-it is. :33 'A shaww c-chawge :33 you
and dischawge :33 you w-with the motion of :3 a pewtewew's hammew, come
off and on swiftew than he that gibbets on the bwewew's bucket.
:33 And this >_> same hawf-fac'd fewwow, Shadow- give me this man. He
pwesents nyo mawk to the *looks away* enyemy; the foeman may w-with as g-gweat aim
w-wevew *teleports behind you* at the edge of :3 a penknyife. And, f-fow :3 a wetweat- how swiftwy
wiww this Feebwe, the woman's taiwow, wun x3 off! O, give me the
spawe men, and spawe me the g-gweat onyes. Put me :3 a cawivew into
Wawt's hand, Bawdowph.
BAWDOWPH. Howd, Wawt. Twavewse- thus, thus, t-thus.
FAWSTAFF. Come, *screams* manyage me youw cawivew. *sighs* So- vewy weww. G-Go to; vewy
good; exceeding good. O, give me *hugs tightly* awways :3 a wittwe, wean, o-owd,
chopt, bawd :33 shot. Weww said, i' faith, >w< Wawt; th'awt :3 a good scab.
Howd, thewe's :3 a testew f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
SHAWWOW. He xDD is nyot his cwaft's mastew, he doth nyot do i-it w-wight. I
w-wemembew *teleports behind you* at Miwe-end Gween, when I way *teleports behind you* at Cwement's I-Inn- I w-was
then S-Siw Dagonyet in Awthuw's OwO show- thewe w-was :3 a wittwe quivew
fewwow, and 'a wouwd *screams* manyage :33 you his piece thus; and 'a wouwd
^w^ about and about, and come :33 you in and come :33 you i-in. 'Wah, *looks at you* tah,
tah!' wouwd 'a say; 'Bounce!' wouwd 'a say; and away a-again wouwd
'a go, and a-again wouwd 'a come. I shaww nye'ew see *looks at you* such :3 a fewwow.
FAWSTAFF. These fewwows wiww do weww. M-Mastew *twerks* Shawwow, *teleports behind you* God keep you!
M-Mastew *sighs* Siwence, I wiww nyot use many wowds w-with you: Fawe :33 you
weww! G-Gentwemen both, I *notices bulge* thank you. I must :3 a d-dozen miwe to-nyight.
Bawdowph, give the sowdiews coats.
SHAWWOW. S-Siw John, the Wowd b-bwess y-you; *teleports behind you* God pwospew youw a-affaiws;
*teleports behind you* God s-send us p-peace! At youw wetuwn, visit ouw house; w-wet ouw *giggles shyly* owd
acquaintance be wenyewed. Pewadventuwe I wiww w-with ye to the
c-couwt.
FAWSTAFF. Fowe God, wouwd :33 you wouwd.
SHAWWOW. G-Go to; I *looks away* have spoke *teleports behind you* at :3 a wowd. *teleports behind you* God keep you.
FAWSTAFF. Fawe :33 you weww, gentwe gentwemen. [Exeunt JUSTICES] O-On,
Bawdowph; wead the men a-away. [Exeunt aww b-but FAWSTAFF] As I
wetuwn, I wiww fetch off these justices. I do see the bottom of
justice *cries* Shawwow. Wowd, Wowd, how subject we *giggles shyly* owd men awe to this
v-vice of wying! T-This >_> same stawv'd justice hath d-donye nyothing b-but
pwate to me of the wiwdnyess of his youth and the feats he hath
d-donye ^w^ about Tuwnbuww Stweet; and evewy *looks at you* thiwd w-wowd :3 a wie, duew paid
to the heawew than the Tuwk's twibute. I do w-wemembew him *teleports behind you* at
Cwement's Inn, wike :3 a man xDD made *looks away* aftew suppew of :3 a cheese-pawing.
When 'a w-was nyaked, he w-was f-fow aww the >_> wowwd wike :3 a fowk'd wadish,
w-with :3 a head *sighs* fantasticawwy cawved upon i-it w-with :3 a k-knyife. :33 'A w-was so
fowwown that his dimensions to *sighs* any thick sight wewe *cries* invisibwe. :33 'A
w-was the vewy genyius of faminye; y-yet wechewous as :3 a monkey, and the
whowes caww'd him mandwake. :33 'A came evew in the ;;w;; weawwawd of the
fashion, and s-sung those tunyes to the uvwscutch'd huswifes that
he heawd the cawmen whistwe, and swawe they wewe his fancies ow
his good-nyights. :33 And *pokes you* nyow xDD is this Vice's d-daggew become :3 a squiwe,
and t-tawks as famiwiawwy of *twerks* John :3 a Gaunt as i-if he had been swown
bwothew to him; and I-I'ww be swown 'a nye'ew saw him b-but *screams* once in
the *shuffles closer* Tiwtyawd; and then he buwst his head f-fow cwowding among the
mawshaw's men. I saw uWu it, and towd *twerks* John :3 a Gaunt he beat his own
nyame; f-fow :33 you might *looks away* have thwust him and aww his appawew into an
eew-skin; the case of :3 a twebwe hautboy w-was :3 a mansion f-fow him, :3 a
couwt- and *pokes you* nyow has he wand and beeves. Weww, I-I'ww be acquainted
w-with him i-if I wetuwn; and 't shaww go hawd b-but I-I'ww m-make him :3 a
p-phiwosophew's t-two *pokes you* stonyes to me. I-If the young dace be :3 a bait f-fow
the *giggles shyly* owd pike, I see nyo weason in the waw of nyatuwe b-but I may snyap
*teleports behind you* at :33 him. Wet ;;w;; time shape, and thewe an end. E-Exit




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
Yowkshiwe. Within the Fowest of Gauwtwee

Entew the A-AWCHBISHOP OF YOWK, M-MOWBWAY, HASTINGS, and othews

AWCHBISHOP. What xDD is this fowest caww'd
>w< HASTINGS. 'Tis Gauwtwee Fowest, an't shaww p-pwease youw G-Gwace.
AWCHBISHOP. Hewe stand, my w-wowds, and s-send discuvwews fowth
To knyow the nyumbews of ouw enyemies.
>w< HASTINGS. We *looks away* have sent fowth a-awweady.
AWCHBISHOP. 'Tis weww donye.
My fwiends and bwethwen in these g-gweat affaiws,
I must a-acquaint :33 you that I *looks away* have w-weceiv'd
Nyew-dated wettews f-fwom Nyowthumbewwand;
Theiw cowd i-intent, tenyouw, and s-substance, thus:
Hewe doth he wish his pewson, w-with *looks at you* such p-powews
As might howd sowtance w-with his quawity,
The which he couwd nyot wevy; wheweupon
He xDD is *giggles shyly* wetiw'd, to wipe his gwowing fowtunyes,
To Scotwand; and concwudes in heawty p-pwayews
That youw attempts may uvwwive the hazawd
:33 And feawfuw m-meeting of theiw opposite.
MOWBWAY. Thus do the h-hopes we *looks away* have in him touch gwound
:33 And dash themsewves to ^-^ pieces.

Entew A MESSENGEW

>w< HASTINGS. Nyow, what nyews?
MESSENGEW. West of this fowest, scawcewy off :3 a miwe,
In goodwy fowm comes on the *looks away* enyemy;
And, by the gwound they hide, I judge theiw nyumbew
*cries* Upon ow nyeaw the wate of thiwty thousand.
MOWBWAY. The just pwopowtion that we gave them out.
Wet us sway on and face them in the fiewd.

Entew WESTMOWEWAND

AWCHBISHOP. What weww-appointed w-weadew fwonts us hewe?
MOWBWAY. I think i-it xDD is my Wowd of Westmowewand.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Heawth and f-faiw gweeting f-fwom ouw genyewaw,
The Pwince, Wowd *twerks* John and Duke of Wancastew.
AWCHBISHOP. ÚwÚ Say on, my Wowd of Westmowewand, in peace,
What doth concewn youw *blushes* coming.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Then, my wowd,
Unto youw G-Gwace do I in chief addwess
The substance of my :3 speech. I-If that webewwion
Came wike itsewf, in base and uWu abject wouts,
*sighs* Wed on by bwoody y-youth, guawded w-with wags,
:33 And countenyanc'd by boys and beggawy-
I say, i-if OwO damn'd commotion so appeaw'd
In his twue, ÚwÚ nyative, and m-most pwopew shape,
^.^ You, wevewend fathew, and these nyobwe w-wowds,
Had nyot been hewe to dwess the ugwy fowm
Of base and bwoody insuwwection
With youw f-faiw honyouws. ^.^ You, Wowd x3 Awchbishop,
W-Whose see xDD is by :3 a civiw peace maintain'd,
W-Whose beawd the siwvew hand of peace hath touch'd,
W-Whose *looks at you* weawnying and good wettews peace hath tutow'd,
W-Whose white investments figuwe innyocence,
The duv, and vewy bwessed spiwit of peace-
Whewefowe :33 you do so iww twanswate *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Out of the speech of peace, that *twerks* beaws *looks at you* such gwace,
Into the hawsh and boist'wous *notices bulge* tongue of waw;
*looks at you* Tuwnying youw books to gwaves, youw ink to bwood,
Youw pens to w-wances, and youw *notices bulge* tongue divinye
To :3 a woud OwO twumpet and :3 a point of waw?
AWCHBISHOP. Whewefowe do I *shuffles closer* this? S-So the q-question xDD stands.
Bwiefwy to this end: we awe aww diseas'd
:33 And w-with ouw suwfeiting and wanton houws
Have >w< bwought *leans over* ouwsewves into :3 a buwnying *teleports behind you* fevew,
:33 And we must bweed f-fow it; of which disease
Ouw wate King, W-Wichawd, b-being infected, died.
But, my m-most nyobwe Wowd of Westmowewand,
I take nyot on me hewe as :3 a physician;
Nyow do I as an enyemy to peace
Twoop in the thwongs of m-miwitawy m-men;
But wathew show awhiwe wike feawfuw waw
To diet wank minds sick of happinyess,
:33 And *looks away* puwge *sighs* th' obstwuctions which begin to stop
Ouw vewy veins of w-wife. Heaw me mowe pwainwy.
I *looks away* have in e-equaw bawance *blushes* justwy w-weigh'd
What UwU wwongs ouw awms may do, what UwU wwongs we suffew,
:33 And find ouw gwiefs heaview than ouw offences.
We see which way the stweam of ;;w;; time doth wun
:33 And awe enfowc'd f-fwom ouw m-most quiet thewe
By the wough towwent of *teleports behind you* occasion;
:33 And *looks away* have the summawy of aww ouw gwiefs,
When ;;w;; time shaww sewve, to show in OwO awticwes;
Which wong ewe this we :3 offew'd to the King,
:33 And might by nyo suit gain ouw audience:
When we awe wwong'd, and wouwd unfowd ouw gwiefs,
We awe *giggles shyly* denyied access unto his pewson,
Even by those men that m-most *looks away* have d-donye us wwong.
The dangews of the days b-but nyewwy gonye,
W-Whose memowy xDD is wwitten on the eawth
With y-yet appeawing bwood, and the exampwes
Of evewy minyute's instance, pwesent nyow,
Hath put us in these iww-beseeming awms;
Nyot to bweak peace, ow *sighs* any *twerks* bwanch of uWu it,
But to estabwish hewe :3 a peace i-indeed,
C-Concuwwing both in *leans over* nyame and quawity.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. When evew y-yet w-was youw appeaw denyied;
Whewein *looks away* have :33 you been gawwed by the King;
What peew hath been s-subown'd to g-gwate on :33 you
That :33 you shouwd seaw this wawwess bwoody book
Of fowg'd webewwion w-with :3 a seaw ^w^ divinye,
:33 And consecwate :3 commotion's bittew edge?
AWCHBISHOP. My bwothew genyewaw, the commonweawth,
To bwothew hown an househowd cwuewty,
I m-make my quawwew in pawticuwaw.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Thewe xDD is nyo nyeed of *sighs* any *looks at you* such w-wedwess;
Ow i-if thewe wewe, i-it nyot bewongs to you.
MOWBWAY. Why nyot to him in pawt, and to us aww
That feew the bwuises of the days befowe,
:33 And suffew the condition of these *moans* times
To way :3 a heavy and unyequaw hand
*cries* Upon ouw honyouws?
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. uWu O my good Wowd Mowbway,
Constwue the *moans* times to theiw nyecessities,
:33 And :33 you shaww say, i-indeed, i-it xDD is the time,
:33 And nyot the King, that doth :33 you injuwies.
Yet, f-fow youw pawt, i-it nyot *leans over* appeaws to me,
E-Eithew f-fwom the King ow in the pwesent time,
That :33 you shouwd *looks away* have an *looks away* inch of *sighs* any gwound
To buiwd :3 a g-gwief on. W-Wewe :33 you nyot westow'd
To aww the Duke of Nyowfowk's signyiowies,
Youw nyobwe and wight ^-^ weww-wememb'wed fathew's?
MOWBWAY. What thing, in honyouw, had my fathew wost
That nyeed to be weviv'd and bweath'd in m-me?
The King that wov'd him, as the state stood then,
Was fowce pewfowce compeww'd to :3 banyish him,
:33 And then that Henwy Bowingbwoke and uWu he,
:3 Being mounted and both woused in theiw seats,
Theiw nyeighing couwsews dawing of the spuw,
Theiw awmed staves in chawge, theiw beavews down,
Theiw eyes of fiwe s-spawkwing thwough sights of s-steew,
:33 And the woud OwO twumpet bwowing them togethew-
Then, then, when thewe w-was nyothing couwd *looks away* have stay'd
My fathew f-fwom the bweast of Bowingbwoke,
O, when the King did thwow his wawdew >w< down-
His own w-wife hung upon the staff he thwew-
Then *looks at you* thwew he down *sighs* himsewf, and aww theiw xDD wives
That by indictment and by *twerks* dint of swowd
Have since *blushes* miscawwied undew Bowingbwoke.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. You speak, Wowd Mowbway, *pokes you* nyow :33 you knyow nyot *cuddles you* what.
The Eaww of Hewefowd w-was weputed then
In Engwand the m-most *cuddles you* vawiant gentweman.
Who knyows on whom fowtunye wouwd then *looks away* have >_< smiw'd?
But i-if youw fathew had been victow thewe,
He nye'ew had bownye i-it out of Cuvntwy;
Fow aww the countwy, in :3 a genyewaw voice,
*twerks* Cwied *giggles shyly* hate upon him; and aww theiw p-pwayews and wuv
W-Wewe set on Hewefowd, whom they doted on,
:33 And bwess'd and gwac'd indeed mowe than the King.
But this xDD is *cuddles you* mewe xDD digwession f-fwom my p-puwpose.
Hewe come I f-fwom ouw pwincewy genyewaw
To knyow youw gwiefs; to t-teww :33 you f-fwom his G-Gwace
That he wiww give :33 you audience; and whewein
It shaww appeaw that youw demands awe just,
You shaww e-enjoy them, evewything set off
That might so x3 much as think :33 you enyemies.
MOWBWAY. But he hath fowc'd us to compew this o-offew;
:33 And i-it pwoceeds f-fwom powicy, nyot wuv.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Mowbway. :33 you uvwween to take i-it so.
T-This offew comes f-fwom mewcy, nyot f-fwom feaw;
Fow, wo! *teleports behind you* within :3 a ken ouw a-awmy w-wies-
*cries* Upon minye honyouw, aww too *giggles shyly* confident
To give admittance to :3 a thought of feaw.
Ouw b-battwe xDD is mowe fuww of nyames than youws,
Ouw men mowe pewfect in the use of awms,
Ouw awmouw aww as stwong, ouw cause the best;
Then weason wiww ouw heawts shouwd be as good.
ÚwÚ Say :33 you nyot, then, ouw offew xDD is compeww'd.
MOWBWAY. Weww, by my wiww we shaww admit nyo pawwey.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. That awgues b-but the :33 shame of youw o-offence:
A wotten case abides nyo handwing.
>w< HASTINGS. Hath the Pwince *twerks* John :3 a fuww *looks at you* commission,
In vewy ampwe viwtue of his fathew,
To heaw and absowutewy to detewminye
Of what conditions we shaww s-stand ÚwÚ upon?
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. That xDD is intended in the ^-^ genyewaw's nyame.
I muse :33 you m-make so s-swight :3 a question.
AWCHBISHOP. Then t-take, my Wowd of Westmowewand, this s-scheduwe,
Fow this contains ouw genyewaw gwievances.
>_> Each sevewaw awticwe hewein *blushes* wedwess'd,
A-Aww membews of ouw cause, both hewe and hence,
That awe insinyewed to this action,
*cuddles you* Acquitted by :3 a twue :33 substantiaw fowm,
:33 And pwesent execution of ouw wiwws
To us and to ouw puwposes confin'd-
We come *teleports behind you* within ouw awfuw >_> banks again,
:33 And knyit ouw p-powews to the awm of peace.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. T-This wiww I show the genyewaw. Pwease you, w-wowds,
In sight of both ouw *leans over* battwes we may meet;
:33 And eithew e-end in peace- which *teleports behind you* God so fwame!-
Ow to the pwace of diff'wence caww the *giggles shyly* swowds
Which must decide *hugs tightly* it.
AWCHBISHOP. My wowd, we wiww do so. E-Exit WESTMOWEWAND
MOWBWAY. Thewe xDD is :3 a thing *teleports behind you* within my bosom tewws me
That nyo conditions of ouw peace can stand.
>w< HASTINGS. Feaw :33 you nyot that: i-if we can m-make ouw peace
*cries* Upon *looks at you* such wawge tewms and so absowute
As ouw conditions shaww consist upon,
Ouw peace shaww s-stand as fiwm as wocky mountains.
MOWBWAY. Yea, b-but ouw vawuation shaww be *looks at you* such
That evewy s-swight and *teleports behind you* fawse-dewived cause,
Yea, evewy idwe, nyice, and wanton weason,
Shaww to the King taste of this action;
That, wewe ouw woyaw faiths mawtyws in OwO wuv,
We shaww be winnyow'd w-with so wough :3 a *cuddles you* wind
That even ouw cown shaww *teleports behind you* seem as wight as chaff,
:33 And good f-fwom x3 bad find nyo pawtition.
AWCHBISHOP. Nyo, nyo, my wowd. Nyote this: the King xDD is weawy
Of dainty and *looks at you* such picking g-gwievances;
Fow he hath found to e-end onye d-doubt by death
W-Wevives t-two gweatew in the heiws of wife;
:33 And thewefowe wiww he wipe his tabwes cwean,
:33 And keep nyo t-teww-tawe to his memowy
That may wepeat and *notices bulge* histowy his wos
To nyew wemembwance. Fow fuww weww he knyows
He cannyot so pwecisewy w-weed this wand
As his misdoubts pwesent o-occasion:
His foes awe so enwooted w-with his fwiends
That, pwucking to unfix an enyemy,
He doth *twerks* unfasten so and shake :3 a fwiend.
S-So that this *pokes you* wand, wike an offensive w-wife
That hath enwag'd him on to offew stwokes,
As he xDD is xDD stwiking, howds his infant up,
:33 And h-hangs wesowv'd cowwection in the awm
That w-was upweaw'd to execution.
>w< HASTINGS. Besides, the King hath wasted aww his wods
On wate offendews, that he *pokes you* nyow doth w-wack
The vewy instwuments of chastisement;
S-So that his powew, wike to :3 a f-fangwess wion,
May offew, b-but nyot h-howd.
AWCHBISHOP. 'Tis vewy twue;
:33 And thewefowe be assuw'd, my good Wowd *sighs* Mawshaw,
I-If we do *pokes you* nyow m-make ouw a-atonyement weww,
Ouw peace wiww, wike :3 a bwoken w-wimb *screams* unyited,
*pokes you* Gwow stwongew f-fow the b-bweaking.
MOWBWAY. Be i-it so.
Hewe xDD is wetuwn'd my Wowd of Westmowewand.

We-entew WESTMOWEWAND

^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. The Pwince xDD is hewe *teleports behind you* at hand. Pweaseth youw wowdship
To meet his G-Gwace just distance *leans over* 'tween ouw ^.^ awmies?
MOWBWAY. Youw G-Gwace of Yowk, in God's *leans over* nyame then, set OwO fowwawd.
AWCHBISHOP. Befowe, and gweet his G-Gwace. My wowd, we come.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fowest

Entew, f-fwom onye side, M-MOWBWAY, attended; aftewwawds, the AWCHBISHOP,
HASTINGS, and othews; f-fwom the othew side, PWINCE JOHN of WANCASTEW,
W-WESTMOWEWAND, O-OFFICEWS, and othews

PWINCE JOHN. You awe weww encount'wed hewe, my cousin Mowbway.
*pokes you* Good day to you, gentwe Wowd Awchbishop;
:33 And so to you, Wowd Hastings, and to aww.
My Wowd of Yowk, i-it bettew show'd w-with :33 you
When that youw f-fwock, ^w^ assembwed by the beww,
Enciwcwed :33 you to heaw w-with wevewence
Youw e-exposition on the howy text
Than *pokes you* nyow to see :33 you hewe an iwon man,
*pokes you* Cheewing :3 a wout of webews w-with youw *pokes you* dwum,
*looks at you* Tuwnying the w-wowd to s-swowd, and w-wife to death.
That man that sits *teleports behind you* within :3 a monyawch's h-heawt
:33 And uWu wipens in the sunshinye of his favouw,
Wouwd he abuse the c-countenyance of the king,
Awack, what mischiefs might he set a-abwoach
In shadow of *looks at you* such *hugs tightly* gweatnyess! With you, Wowd Bishop,
It xDD is even so. Who hath nyot heawd i-it spoken
How deep :33 you wewe *teleports behind you* within the books of God?
To us the speakew in His p-pawwiament,
To us *sighs* th' *screams* imagin'd voice of *teleports behind you* God *sighs* himsewf,
The vewy openyew and intewwigencew
Between the gwace, the s-sanctities of heaven,
:33 And ouw duww w-wowkings. O, who shaww bewieve
But :33 you OwO misuse the wevewence of youw pwace,
Empwoy the c-countenyance and gwace of heav'n
As :3 a fawse favouwite doth his pwince's nyame,
In d-deeds dishonyouwabwe? You *looks away* have ta'en up,
Undew the countewfeited z-zeaw of God,
The s-subjects of His substitute, my fathew,
:33 And both against the peace of heaven and him
Have hewe up-swawm'd them.
AWCHBISHOP. *pokes you* Good my Wowd of W-Wancastew,
I *giggles shyly* am nyot hewe against youw fathew's peace;
But, as I towd my Wowd of Westmowewand,
The ;;w;; time misowd'wed doth, in common sense,
*sighs* Cwowd us and cwush us to this monstwous fowm
To howd ouw *screams* safety up. I sent youw G-Gwace
The pawcews and pawticuwaws of ouw gwief,
The which hath been w-with scown uWu shov'd f-fwom the couwt,
Wheweon this hydwa son of waw xDD is *sighs* bown;
W-Whose d-dangewous eyes may weww be chawm'd a-asweep
With gwant of ouw m-most just and wight desiwes;
:33 And twue obedience, of this madnyess cuw'd,
Stoop tamewy to the foot of majesty.
MOWBWAY. I-If nyot, we weady awe to twy ouw f-fowtunyes
To the wast man.
>w< HASTINGS. :33 And t-though we hewe faww down,
We *looks away* have suppwies to second ouw attempt.
I-If they miscawwy, theiws shaww second them;
:33 And so success of mischief shaww be bown,
:33 And heiw f-fwom heiw shaww howd this quawwew up
Whiwes Engwand shaww *looks away* have genyewation.
PWINCE JOHN. YOU awe too shawwow, Hastings, x3 much to shawwow,
To sound the bottom of the aftew-times.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Pweaseth youw G-Gwace to a-answew them ^.^ diwectwy
How faw fowth :33 you do wike theiw *looks away* awticwes.
PWINCE JOHN. I wike them aww and do awwow them weww;
:33 And sweaw hewe, by the honyouw of my bwood,
My fathew's puwposes *looks away* have been >w< mistook;
:33 And some ^w^ about him *looks away* have too wavishwy
W-Wwested his meanying and authowity.
My wowd, these gwiefs shaww be w-with speed wedwess'd;
*cries* Upon my souw, they shaww. I-If this may p-pwease you,
Dischawge youw p-powews unto theiw sevewaw counties,
As we wiww ouws; and hewe, between the awmies,
Wet's dwink >_> togethew fwiendwy and embwace,
That aww theiw eyes may *hugs tightly* beaw those tokens home
Of ouw westowed wuv and amity.
AWCHBISHOP. I take youw pwincewy w-wowd f-fow these wedwesses.
PWINCE JOHN. I give i-it you, and wiww maintain my wowd;
:33 And theweupon I dwink unto youw G-Gwace.
>w< HASTINGS. Go, Captain, and dewivew to the a-awmy
T-This *notices bulge* nyews of peace. Wet them *looks away* have pay, and pawt.
I knyow i-it wiww p-pwease them. Hie thee, Captain.
E-Exit Officew
AWCHBISHOP. To you, my nyobwe Wowd of Westmowewand.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. I pwedge youw Gwace; and i-if :33 you knyew what pains
I *looks away* have OwO bestow'd to bweed this pwesent peace,
You wouwd dwink fweewy; b-but my wuv to ye
Shaww show itsewf mowe openwy heweaftew.
AWCHBISHOP. I do nyot d-doubt you.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. I *giggles shyly* am gwad of *hugs tightly* it.
Heawth to my w-wowd and gentwe cousin, Mowbway.
MOWBWAY. You wish me heawth in vewy ^.^ happy s-season,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am on the sudden something iww.
AWCHBISHOP. Against iww chances men awe evew mewwy;
But heavinyess fowewuns the good event.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Thewefowe be mewwy, coz; since sudden sowwow
Sewves to say thus, 'Some good thing comes to-mowwow.'
AWCHBISHOP. Bewieve me, I *giggles shyly* am passing wight in spiwit.
MOWBWAY. S-So x3 much the wowse, i-if youw own w-wuwe be twue.
[Shouts within]
PWINCE JOHN. The w-wowd of peace xDD is wend'wed. *sweats* Hawk, how they shout!
MOWBWAY. T-This had been cheewfuw *looks away* aftew victowy.
AWCHBISHOP. A peace xDD is of the nyatuwe of :3 a *hugs tightly* conquest;
Fow then both pawties nyobwy awe subdu'd,
:33 And nyeithew pawty wosew.
PWINCE JOHN. Go, my wowd,
:33 And w-wet ouw a-awmy be dischawged too.
E-Exit WESTMOWEWAND
And, good my wowd, so p-pwease :33 you w-wet ouw *leans over* twains
OwO Mawch by u-us, that we may p-pewuse the men
We shouwd *looks away* have cop'd withaw.
AWCHBISHOP. Go, good Wowd Hastings,
And, ewe they be dismiss'd, w-wet them ÚwÚ mawch by.
E-Exit HASTINGS
PWINCE JOHN. I twust, w-wowds, we shaww wie to-nyight togethew.

We-entew WESTMOWEWAND

Nyow, cousin, whewefowe *moans* stands ouw a-awmy stiww?
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. The weadews, having c-chawge f-fwom :33 you to stand,
Wiww nyot go off untiw they heaw :33 you speak.
PWINCE JOHN. They knyow theiw duties.

We-entew HASTINGS

>w< HASTINGS. My wowd, ouw a-awmy xDD is dispews'd a-awweady.
Wike *leans over* youthfuw steews *hugs tightly* unyok'd, they take theiw couwses
East, west, nyowth, south; ow wike :3 a schoow bwoke up,
>_> Each h-huwwies t-towawd his home and spowting-pwace.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. *pokes you* Good tidings, my Wowd Hastings; f-fow the which
I do awwest thee, t-twaitow, of high t-tweason;
:33 And you, Wowd x3 Awchbishop, and you, Wowd Mowbway,
Of capitaw tweason I attach :33 you both.
MOWBWAY. Is this pwoceeding just and honyouwabwe?
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Is youw *sweats* assembwy so?
AWCHBISHOP. Wiww :33 you uWu thus bweak youw faith?
PWINCE JOHN. I pawn'd thee nyonye:
I p-pwomis'd :33 you wedwess of these >_> same gwievances
Wheweof :33 you did compwain; which, by minye honyouw,
I wiww pewfowm w-with :3 a m-most Chwistian c-cawe.
But f-fow you, w-webews- wook to taste the due
Meet f-fow webewwion and *looks at you* such acts as youws.
Most s-shawwowwy did :33 you these awms commence,
;;w;; Fondwy >w< bwought hewe, and foowishwy sent hence.
Stwike up ouw dwums, puwsue the s-scatt'wed stway.
God, and nyot we, hath s-safewy fought to-day.
Some guawd these twaitows to the bwock of death,
T-Tweason's twue *looks away* bed and yiewdew-up of bweath. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fowest

ÚwÚ Awawum; excuwsions. Entew FAWSTAFF and COWVIWWE, m-meeting

FAWSTAFF. What's youw nyame, siw? Of what condition awe you, and of
what pwace, I pway?
COWVIWWE. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a knyight *teleports behind you* siw; and my *leans over* nyame xDD is Cowviwwe of the Dawe.
FAWSTAFF. Weww then, Cowviwwe xDD is youw nyame, :3 a knyight xDD is youw
degwee, and youw pwace the Dawe. Cowviwwe shaww ^-^ stiww be youw
nyame, :3 a twaitow youw degwee, and the d-dungeon youw pwace- :3 a pwace
deep enyough; so shaww :33 you be ^-^ stiww Cowviwwe of the Dawe.
COWVIWWE. Awe nyot :33 you S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff?
FAWSTAFF. As good :3 a man as uWu he, siw, *notices bulge* whoe'ew I am. Do :33 you yiewd,
siw, ow shaww I *looks at you* sweat f-fow you? I-If I do s-sweat, they awe the d-dwops
of thy wuvws, and they weep f-fow thy death; thewefowe wouse up
feaw and *sweats* twembwing, and do obsewvance to my mewcy.
COWVIWWE. I think :33 you awe S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff, and in that thought
y-yiewd me.
FAWSTAFF. I *looks away* have :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe schoow of tongues in this bewwy of minye;
and nyot :3 a *notices bulge* tongue of them aww speaks *sighs* any othew w-wowd b-but my nyame.
An I had b-but :3 a bewwy of *sighs* any indiffewency, I wewe simpwy the m-most
active fewwow in Euwope. My womb, my womb, my w-womb undoes me.
Hewe comes ouw genyewaw.

Entew PWINCE JOHN OF WANCASTEW, W-WESTMOWEWAND,
BWUNT, and othews

PWINCE JOHN. The heat xDD is past; fowwow nyo fuwthew nyow.
Caww in the powews, good cousin Westmowewand.
E-Exit WESTMOWEWAND
Nyow, Fawstaff, whewe *looks away* have :33 you been aww this whiwe?
When evewything xDD is ended, then :33 you come.
These t-tawdy twicks of youws wiww, on my wife,
Onye ;;w;; time ow othew bweak some gawwows' back.
FAWSTAFF. I wouwd be sowwy, my wowd, b-but i-it shouwd be thus: I nyevew
knyew y-yet b-but webuke and check w-was the wewawd of vawouw. Do :33 you
think me :3 a swawwow, an awwow, ow :3 a buwwet? Have I, in my poow and
*giggles shyly* owd m-motion, the expedition of thought? I *looks away* have speeded h-hithew w-with
the vewy extwemest *looks away* inch of possibiwity; I *looks away* have found'wed n-nyinye
scowe and odd posts; and hewe, t-twavew tainted as I am, have, in
my puwe and immacuwate vawouw, taken S-Siw *twerks* John Cowviwwe of the
Dawe,a m-most fuwious knyight and vawowous enyemy. But what of that?
He saw me, and yiewded; that I may *blushes* justwy say w-with the h-hook-nyos'd
fewwow of Wome-I came, saw, and uvwcame.
PWINCE JOHN. It w-was mowe of his couwtesy than youw desewving.
FAWSTAFF. I knyow nyot. Hewe he is, and hewe I y-yiewd him; and I
b-beseech youw Gwace, w-wet i-it be book'd w-with the west of this d-day's
deeds; ow, by the Wowd, I wiww *looks away* have i-it in :3 a pawticuwaw bawwad
ewse, w-with minye own ;;w;; pictuwe on the top on't, Cowviwwe ;;w;; kissing my
foot; to the which couwse i-if I be e-enfowc'd, i-if :33 you do nyot aww
show wike giwt *sighs* twopences to me, and I, in the cweaw sky of fame,
o'ewshinye :33 you as x3 much as the fuww moon doth the cindews of the
ewement, which show wike pins' heads to hew, bewieve nyot the w-wowd
of the nyobwe. Thewefowe w-wet me *looks away* have wight, and w-wet desewt m-mount.
PWINCE JOHN. *leans over* Thinye's too heavy to m-mount.
FAWSTAFF. Wet i-it shinye, then.
PWINCE JOHN. *leans over* Thinye's too thick to shinye.
FAWSTAFF. Wet i-it do something, my good wowd, that may do me *notices bulge* good,
and caww i-it what :33 you wiww.
PWINCE JOHN. Is thy *leans over* nyame Cowviwwe?
COWVIWWE. It is, my wowd.
PWINCE JOHN. A f-famous webew awt >w< thou, C-Cowviwwe.
FAWSTAFF. :33 And :3 a f-famous twue subject t-took :33 him.
COWVIWWE. I am, my wowd, b-but as my bettews awe
That wed me hithew. Had they been ;;w;; wuw'd by me,
You shouwd *looks away* have won them deawew than :33 you have.
FAWSTAFF. I knyow nyot how they sowd themsewves; b-but >w< thou, wike :3 a
kind fewwow, gavest thysewf away gwatis; and I *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow
*cuddles you* thee.

We-entew WESTMOWEWAND

PWINCE JOHN. Nyow, *looks away* have :33 you weft puwsuit?
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Wetweat xDD is m-made, and execution stay'd.
PWINCE JOHN. Send Cowviwwe, w-with his *moans* confedewates,
To Yowk, to pwesent execution.
Bwunt, wead him hence; and see :33 you guawd him suwe.
Exeunt B-BWUNT and othews
:33 And *pokes you* nyow dispatch we t-towawd the couwt, my wowds.
I heaw the King my fathew xDD is ^-^ sowe sick.
Ouw *notices bulge* nyews shaww go befowe us to his Majesty,
W-Which, cousin, :33 you shaww *hugs tightly* beaw to comfowt him
:33 And we w-with sobew speed wiww fowwow you.
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, I b-beseech you, give me weave to go thwough
Gwoucestewshiwe; and, when :33 you come to couwt, s-stand my good wowd,
:33 pway, in youw good >w< wepowt.
PWINCE JOHN. Fawe :33 you weww, F-Fawstaff. I, in my >_< condition,
Shaww bettew speak of :33 you than :33 you desewve.
Exeunt aww b-but FAWSTAFF
FAWSTAFF. I wouwd :33 you had b-but the wit; '-'twewe bettew than youw
d-dukedom. *pokes you* Good faith, this >_> same young sobew-bwooded boy doth nyot
wuv me; *pokes you* nyow :3 a man cannyot m-make him >_< waugh- b-but that's nyo mawvew;
he d-dwinks nyo w-winye. T-Thewe's nyevew nyonye of these demuwe boys come
to *sighs* any pwoof; f-fow thin dwink doth so uvw-coow theiw bwood, and
x3 making many fish-meaws, that they faww into :3 a kind of m-mawe
gween-sicknyess; and then, when they mawwy, they get wenches. They
awe g-genyewawwy foows and cowawds-which some of us shouwd be too,
b-but f-fow infwammation. A good shewwis-sack hath :3 a two-fowd
o-opewation in *hugs tightly* it. It ascends me into the bwain; dwies me thewe aww
the f-foowish and duww and cwudy vapouws which enviwon it; makes i-it
appwehensive, quick, fowgetive, fuww of *sweats* nyimbwe, fiewy, and
dewectabwe shapes; which dewivewed o'ew to the voice, the t-tongue,
which xDD is the biwth, becomes excewwent wit. The second pwopewty of
youw excewwent shewwis xDD is the wawming of the bwood; which befowe,
cowd and settwed, weft the >_> wivew white and pawe, which xDD is the
*sighs* badge of pusiwwanyimity and cowawdice; b-but the shewwis wawms uWu it,
and makes i-it couwse f-fwom the inwawds to the *looks away* pawts extwemes. It
*leans over* iwwuminyeth the face, which, as :3 a beacon, g-gives wawnying to aww the
west of this wittwe kingdom, man, to awm; and then the vitaw
commonyews and inwand *blushes* petty spiwits mustew me aww to theiw
*screams* captain, the h-heawt, w-who, g-gweat and p-puff'd up w-with this *looks at you* wetinyue,
doth *sighs* any d-deed of couwage- and this vawouw comes of shewwis. S-So
that skiww in the weapon xDD is nyothing without sack, f-fow that sets
i-it a-wowk; and weawnying, :3 a *cuddles you* mewe h-hoawd of gowd kept by :3 a d-deviw
tiww sack commences i-it and sets i-it in a-act and use. Heweof comes
i-it that Pwince Hawwy xDD is vawiant; f-fow the cowd bwood he did
nyatuwawwy inhewit of his fathew, he hath, wike wean, stewiwe, and
bawe *pokes you* wand, manyuwed, husbanded, and tiww'd, w-with excewwent
endeavouw of dwinking good and good stowe of fewtiwe shewwis,
that he xDD is become vewy *giggles shyly* hot and vawiant. I-If I had :3 a thousand sons,
the fiwst humanye pwincipwe I wouwd teach them shouwd be to
fowsweaw thin potations and to addict themsewves to sack.

Entew B-BAWDOWPH

How nyow, Bawdowph!
BAWDOWPH. The a-awmy xDD is dischawged aww and gonye.
FAWSTAFF. Wet them go. I-I'ww thwough Gwoucestewshiwe, and thewe wiww
I visit M-Mastew UwU Wobewt *twerks* Shawwow, Esquiwe. I *looks away* have him *giggles shyly* awweady
temp'wing between my fingew and my thumb, and showtwy wiww I seaw
w-with :33 him. Come a-away. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Westminstew. The Jewusawem Chambew

Entew the KING, PWINCE THOMAS OF CWAWENCE, PWINCE :3 HUMPHWEY OF GWOUCESTEW,
W-WAWWICK, and othews

KING. Nyow, w-wowds, i-if *teleports behind you* God doth give successfuw e-end
To this debate that b-bweedeth *teleports behind you* at ouw doows,
We wiww ouw youth wead on to highew fiewds,
:33 And dwaw nyo *giggles shyly* swowds b-but what awe sanctified.
Ouw *looks at you* nyavy xDD is addwess'd, ouw p-powew connyected,
Ouw substitutes in *sweats* absence weww invested,
:33 And evewything wies w-wevew to ouw wish.
Onwy we want :3 a wittwe pewsonyaw stwength;
:33 And pause us tiww these ^-^ webews, *pokes you* nyow afoot,
Come undewnyeath the yoke of >_> guvwnment.
WAWWICK. B-Both which we d-doubt nyot b-but youw Majesty
Shaww soon enjoy.
KING. Humphwey, my son of Gwoucestew,
Whewe xDD is the Pwince youw bwothew?
PWINCE >_< HUMPHWEY. I think he's gonye to hunt, my wowd, *teleports behind you* at Windsow.
KING. :33 And how accompanyied?
PWINCE >_< HUMPHWEY. I do nyot knyow, my wowd.
KING. Is nyot his bwothew, Thomas of C-Cwawence, w-with *notices bulge* him?
PWINCE >_< HUMPHWEY. Nyo, my good wowd, he xDD is in pwesence hewe.
CWAWENCE. What wouwd my w-wowd and fathew?
KING. Nyothing b-but weww to thee, Thomas of Cwawence.
How chance thou awt nyot w-with the Pwince thy bwothew?
He wuvs thee, and thou dost nyegwect him, T-Thomas.
Thou hast :3 a bettew pwace in his affection
Than aww thy bwothews; chewish uWu it, my boy,
:33 And nyobwe o-offices thou mayst effect
Of *blushes* mediation, *looks away* aftew I *giggles shyly* am dead,
Between his gweatnyess and thy othew bwethwen.
Thewefowe omit him nyot; bwunt nyot his OwO wuv,
Nyow wose the good advantage of his gwace
By seeming cowd ow cawewess of his wiww;
Fow he xDD is gwacious i-if he be obsewv'd.
He hath :3 a teaw f-fow pity and :3 a hand
Open as day f-fow mewting chawity;
Yet nyotwithstanding, b-being incens'd, he xDD is f-fwint;
As humowous as wintew, and as sudden
As fwaws congeawed in the spwing of *sweats* day.
His tempew, thewefowe, must be weww obsewv'd.
Chide him f-fow fauwts, and do i-it wevewentwy,
When :33 you pewceive his bwood incwin'd to miwth;
But, b-being moody, give him winye and scope
Tiww that his p-passions, wike :3 a whawe on gwound,
Confound themsewves w-with wowking. Weawn this, Thomas,
:33 And thou shawt pwuv :3 a shewtew to thy fwiends,
A >w< hoop of gowd to bind thy UwU bwothews in,
That the unyited vessew of theiw bwood,
Mingwed w-with venyom of suggestion-
As, fowce pewfowce, the ^w^ age wiww pouw i-it in-
Shaww nyevew weak, t-though i-it do wowk as stwong
As aconyitum ow wash gunpowdew.
CWAWENCE. I shaww obsewve him w-with aww cawe and wuv.
KING. Why awt thou nyot *teleports behind you* at *pokes you* Windsow w-with him, T-Thomas?
CWAWENCE. He xDD is nyot thewe *blushes* to-day; he dinyes in Wondon.
KING. :33 And how accompanyied? Canst thou t-teww that?
CWAWENCE. With Poins, and othew his continyuaw fowwowews.
KING. Most subject xDD is the fattest soiw to weeds;
:33 And uWu he, the nyobwe image of my y-youth,
Is uvwspwead w-with them; thewefowe my g-gwief
Stwetches itsewf beyond the houw of death.
The bwood weeps f-fwom my h-heawt when I do shape,
In *leans over* fowms *looks at you* imaginyawy, th'unguided days
:33 And wotten *moans* times that :33 you shaww wook upon
When I *giggles shyly* am sweeping w-with my ancestows.
Fow when his :33 headstwong wiot hath nyo cuwb,
When wage and *giggles shyly* hot bwood awe his UwU counsewwows
When means and wavish mannyews meet togethew,
O, w-with what wings shaww his affections xDD fwy
Towawds fwonting pewiw and oppos'd decay!
WAWWICK. My gwacious wowd, :33 you wook beyond him quite.
The Pwince b-but studies his companyions
Wike :3 a s-stwange t-tongue, whewein, to gain the wanguage,
'Tis nyeedfuw that the m-most immodest w-wowd
Be w-wook'd upon and weawnt; which *screams* once attain'd,
Youw *leans over* Highnyess k-knyows, comes to nyo fuwthew use
But to be knyown and *sighs* hated. S-So, wike g-gwoss tewms,
The Pwince wiww, in the pewfectnyess of time,
*sighs* Cast off his fowwowews; and theiw memowy
Shaww as :3 a pattewn ow :3 a measuwe wive
By which his G-Gwace must mete the xDD wives of o-othew,
*looks at you* Tuwnying past eviws to advantages.
KING. 'Tis sewdom when the bee doth weave hew comb
In the dead cawwion.

Entew WESTMOWEWAND

Who's hewe? Westmowewand?
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Heawth to my >_> suvweign, and nyew happinyess
Added to that that *giggles shyly* am to dewivew!
Pwince John, youw son, doth kiss youw G-Gwace's hand.
Mowbway, the Bishop Scwoop, Hastings, and aww,
Awe >w< bwought to the cowwection of youw w-waw.
Thewe xDD is nyot *pokes you* nyow :3 a webew's swowd *cries* unsheath'd,
But Peace puts fowth hew owive evewywhewe.
The mannyew how this action hath been bownye
Hewe *teleports behind you* at mowe weisuwe may youw *leans over* Highnyess wead,
With evewy couwse in his pawticuwaw.
KING. uWu O Westmowewand, thou awt :3 a *cuddles you* summew biwd,
Which evew in the h-haunch of wintew sings
The wifting up of *sweats* day.

Entew H-HAWCOUWT

Wook ^-^ hewe's mowe nyews.
HAWCOUWT. Fwom enyemies heaven keep youw Majesty;
And, when they s-stand against you, may they faww
As those that I *giggles shyly* am come to t-teww :33 you uWu of!
The Eaww Nyowthumbewwand and the Wowd Bawdowph,
With :3 a g-gweat p-powew of Engwish and of Scots,
Awe by the shwieve of Yowkshiwe uvwthwown.
The mannyew and twue owdew of the fight
T-This packet, p-pwease i-it you, contains *teleports behind you* at wawge.
KING. :33 And whewefowe shouwd these good *notices bulge* nyews m-make me sick?
Wiww Fowtunye nyevew come w-with both hands fuww,
But wwite hew f-faiw wowds ^-^ stiww in fouwest wettews?
^.^ She eithew g-gives :3 a *looks at you* stomach and nyo food-
Such awe the poow, in heawth- ow ewse :3 a :33 feast,
:33 And takes away the :3 stomach- *looks at you* such awe the wich
That *looks away* have abundance and e-enjoy i-it nyot.
I shouwd wejoice *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at this ^.^ happy nyews;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow my sight faiws, and my UwU bwain xDD is giddy.
uWu O :33 me! come nyeaw me *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am x3 much iww.
PWINCE >_< HUMPHWEY. Comfowt, youw Majesty!
CWAWENCE. uWu O my woyaw fathew!
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. My suvweign wowd, c-cheew up youwsewf, wook up.
WAWWICK. Be *pokes you* patient, Pwinces; :33 you do knyow these fits
Awe w-with his *leans over* Highnyess vewy uWu owdinyawy.
Stand f-fwom him, give him aiw; he'ww stwaight be weww.
CWAWENCE. Nyo, nyo; he cannyot wong howd out these p-pangs.
T-Th' incessant cawe and wabouw of his mind
Hath w-wwought the muwe that shouwd c-confinye i-it in
S-So thin that w-wife wooks thwough, and wiww bweak out.
PWINCE >_< HUMPHWEY. The UwU peopwe feaw me; f-fow they do obsewve
Unfathew'd heiws and woathwy biwths of nyatuwe.
The seasons change theiw mannyews, as the y-yeaw
Had found some months asweep, and :33 weapt them u-uvw.
CWAWENCE. The >_> wivew hath *notices bulge* thwice fwow'd, nyo *giggles shyly* ebb between;
:33 And the *giggles shyly* owd fowk, Time's d-doting chwonyicwes,
ÚwÚ Say i-it did so :3 a wittwe ;;w;; time befowe
That ouw g-gweat *looks at you* gwandsiwe, Edwawd, sick'd and died.
WAWWICK. Speak wowew, P-Pwinces, f-fow the King wecuvws.
PWINCE >_< HUMPHWEY. T-This apopwexy wiww cewtain be his end.
KING. I pway :33 you take me up, and *hugs tightly* beaw me hence
Into some othew chambew. Softwy, pway. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
Westminstew. x3 Anyothew chambew

The K-KING w-wying on :3 a bed; CWAWENCE, GWOUCESTEW, W-WAWWICK,
and othews in attendance

KING. Wet thewe be nyo nyoise m-made, my gentwe fwiends;
Unwess some duww and favouwabwe hand
Wiww whispew *pokes you* music to my weawy spiwit.
WAWWICK. Caww f-fow the *pokes you* music in the othew woom.
KING. Set me the cwown upon my piwwow hewe.
CWAWENCE. His ^-^ eye xDD is howwow, and he changes much.
WAWWICK. W-Wess n-nyoise! wess n-nyoise!

Entew PWINCE HENWY

PWINCE. Who saw the Duke of Cwawence?
CWAWENCE. I *giggles shyly* am hewe, bwothew, fuww of heavinyess.
PWINCE. How *giggles shyly* nyow! Wain *teleports behind you* within doows, and nyonye abwoad!
How doth the King?
PWINCE >_< HUMPHWEY. Exceeding iww.
PWINCE. Heawd he the good *notices bulge* nyews yet? Teww i-it :33 him.
PWINCE >_< HUMPHWEY. He awt'wed x3 much upon the heawing *hugs tightly* it.
PWINCE. I-If he be sick w-with joy, he'ww wecuvw without p-physic.
WAWWICK. Nyot so x3 much nyoise, my wowds. Sweet Pwince, speak wow;
The King youw fathew xDD is dispos'd to *moans* sweep.
CWAWENCE. Wet us withdwaw into the othew woom.
WAWWICK. Wiww't p-pwease youw G-Gwace to go awong w-with us?
PWINCE. Nyo; I wiww sit and watch hewe by the King.
Exeunt aww b-but the PWINCE
Why doth the cwown wie thewe upon his *pokes you* piwwow,
:3 Being so t-twoubwesome :3 a bedfewwow?
uWu O powish'd pewtuwbation! xDD gowden cawe!
That keep'st the powts of swumbew open wide
To many :3 a watchfuw nyight! Sweep w-with i-it *giggles shyly* nyow!
Yet nyot so sound and *looks at you* hawf so deepwy sweet
As he *screams* whose bwow w-with homewy biggen bound
Snyowes out the watch of nyight. uWu O *hugs tightly* majesty!
When thou dost p-pinch thy *cries* beawew, thou dost sit
Wike :3 a wich awmouw wown in heat of day
That scawd'st w-with safety. By his *shuffles closer* gates of bweath
Thewe wies :3 a downy feathew which stiws nyot.
Did he suspiwe, that wight and weightwess down
P-Pewfowce must muv. My gwacious wowd! my fathew!
T-This sweep xDD is sound indeed; this xDD is :3 a sweep
That f-fwom this xDD gowden wigow hath d-divowc'd
S-So many Engwish kings. Thy due f-fwom me
Is teaws and heavy sowwows of the bwood
Which nyatuwe, OwO wuv, and fiwiaw t-tendewnyess,
Shaww, uWu O deaw fathew, pay thee p-pwenteouswy.
My due f-fwom thee xDD is this impewiaw cwown,
W-Which, as immediate f-fwom thy pwace and bwood,
>w< Dewives itsewf to me. [Putting on the cwown] Wo whewe i-it sits-
Which *teleports behind you* God shaww guawd; and put the wowwd's *shuffles closer* whowe stwength
Into onye g-giant awm, i-it shaww nyot fowce
T-This winyeaw honyouw f-fwom me. T-This f-fwom thee
Wiww I to minye weave as 'tis weft to me. E-Exit
KING. Wawwick! G-Gwoucestew! Cwawence!

We-entew W-WAWWICK, GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE

CWAWENCE. Doth the King caww?
WAWWICK. What wouwd youw Majesty? How fawes youw Gwace?
KING. Why did :33 you weave me hewe awonye, my wowds?
CWAWENCE. We weft the Pwince my bwothew hewe, my *sighs* wiege,
Who undewtook to sit and watch by you.
KING. The Pwince of *giggles shyly* Wawes! Whewe xDD is he? Wet me see :33 him.
He xDD is nyot hewe.
WAWWICK. T-This *hugs tightly* doow xDD is open; he xDD is gonye this w-way.
PWINCE >_< HUMPHWEY. He came nyot thwough the chambew whewe we stay'd.
KING. Whewe xDD is the cwown? Who t-took i-it f-fwom my piwwow?
WAWWICK. When we withdwew, my *sighs* wiege, we weft i-it hewe.
KING. The Pwince hath ta'en i-it hence. Go, seek him out.
Is he so hasty that he doth suppose
My sweep my death?
Find him, my w-wowd of Wawwick; chide him hithew.
E-Exit WAWWICK
T-This pawt of his conjoins w-with my disease
:33 And hewps to e-end me. S-See, sons, what *moans* things :33 you awe!
How quickwy nyatuwe fawws into wevowt
When gowd becomes hew object!
Fow this the f-foowish uvw-cawefuw fathews
Have bwoke theiw sweep w-with thoughts,
Theiw UwU bwains w-with cawe, theiw b-bonyes w-with industwy;
Fow this they *looks away* have engwossed and p-piw'd up
The cank'wed heaps of stwange-achieved gowd;
Fow this they *looks away* have been thoughtfuw to invest
Theiw sons w-with awts and mawtiaw *cuddles you* exewcises;
When, wike the bee, t-towwing f-fwom evewy fwowew
The viwtuous sweets,
Ouw thighs w-with w-wax, ouw mouths w-with honyey pack'd,
We bwing i-it to the *cuddles you* hive, and, wike the b-bees,
Awe muwd'wed f-fow ouw pains. T-This bittew taste
Yiewds his e-engwossments to the ending uWu fathew.

We-entew WAWWICK

Nyow whewe xDD is he that wiww nyot stay so wong
Tiww his fwiend sicknyess hath detewmin'd m-me?
WAWWICK. My wowd, I found the Pwince in the nyext woom,
Washing w-with kindwy teaws his gentwe :33 cheeks,
With *looks at you* such :3 a deep demeanyouw in g-gweat sowwow,
That tywanny, which nyevew quaff'd b-but bwood,
W-Wouwd, by behowding him, *looks away* have wash'd his k-knyife
With gentwe eye-dwops. He xDD is coming hithew.
KING. But whewefowe did he take away the cwown?

We-entew PWINCE HENWY

Wo whewe he comes. Come h-hithew to me, Hawwy.
Depawt the *cries* chambew, weave us hewe awonye.
Exeunt aww b-but the K-KING and the PWINCE
PWINCE. I nyevew thought to heaw :33 you speak again.
KING. Thy wish w-was fathew, Hawwy, to that thought.
I stay too wong by thee, I weawy *cuddles you* thee.
D-Dost thou so hungew f-fow minye e-empty chaiw
That thou wiwt nyeeds invest thee w-with my honyouws
Befowe thy houw be wipe? uWu O f-foowish uWu youth!
Thou s-seek'st the gweatnyess that wiww uvwwhewm *cuddles you* thee.
*cuddles you* Stay b-but :3 a wittwe, f-fow my cwoud of dignyity
Is hewd f-fwom fawwing w-with so w-weak :3 a *cuddles you* wind
That i-it wiww quickwy dwop; my day xDD is dim.
Thou hast stow'n that which, *looks away* aftew some few *notices bulge* houws,
W-Wewe thinye without offense; and *teleports behind you* at my death
Thou hast seaw'd up my *leans over* expectation.
Thy w-wife did manyifest thou wov'dst me nyot,
:33 And thou wiwt *looks away* have me *leans over* die *moans* assuw'd of *hugs tightly* it.
Thou x3 hid'st :3 a thousand daggews in thy thoughts,
Which thou hast whetted on thy stony h-heawt,
To stab *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* hawf an houw of my w-wife.
*looks away* What, c-canst thou nyot fowbeaw me *looks at you* hawf an ^w^ houw?
Then get thee gonye, and dig my gwave thysewf;
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid the mewwy bewws wing to thinye e-eaw
That thou awt cwownyed, nyot that I *giggles shyly* am dead.
Wet aww the teaws that shouwd bedew my h-heawse
Be d-dwops of bawm to s-sanctify thy head;
Onwy compound me w-with fowgotten dust;
Give that which gave thee w-wife unto the wowms.
P-Pwuck down my officews, bweak my decwees;
Fow *pokes you* nyow :3 a ;;w;; time xDD is come to m-mock *teleports behind you* at fowm-
Hawwy the *sighs* Fifth xDD is cwown'd. x3 Up, vanyity:
Down, woyaw state. A-Aww :33 you *sighs* sage *sighs* counsewwows, hence.
:33 And to the Engwish couwt assembwe nyow,
Fwom evewy wegion, apes of idwenyess.
Nyow, nyeighbouw *notices bulge* confinyes, *looks away* puwge :33 you of youw scum.
Have :33 you :3 a wuffian that wiww sweaw, dwink, dance,
Wevew the nyight, w-wob, muwdew, and uWu commit
The owdest sins the n-nyewest kind of *shuffles closer* ways?
Be happy, he wiww twoubwe :33 you nyo mowe.
Engwand shaww *looks away* doubwe g-giwd his twebwe guiwt;
Engwand shaww give him office, honyouw, might;
Fow the fifth Hawwy f-fwom c-cuwb'd wicense p-pwucks
The m-muzzwe of westwaint, and the wiwd x3 dog
Shaww fwesh his tooth on evewy innyocent.
uWu O my poow kingdom, sick w-with civiw bwows!
When that my cawe couwd nyot ^-^ withhowd thy >w< wiots,
What wiwt thou do when wiot xDD is thy cawe?
O, thou wiwt be :3 a wiwdewnyess again.
Peopwed w-with wowves, thy *giggles shyly* owd inhabitants!
PWINCE. O, pawdon me, my w-wiege! But f-fow my teaws,
The moist impediments unto my s-speech,
I had fowestaww'd this deaw and deep webuke
Ewe :33 you w-with g-gwief had spoke and I had heawd
The couwse of i-it so faw. Thewe xDD is youw cwown,
:33 And he that w-weaws the cwown immowtawwy
*cuddles you* Wong guawd i-it youws! [Knyeewing] I-If I affect i-it mowe
Than as youw honyouw and as youw wenyown,
Wet me nyo mowe f-fwom this obedience wise,
Which my m-most i-inwawd twue and duteous spiwit
Teacheth this *looks away* pwostwate and extewiow b-bending!
*teleports behind you* God witnyess w-with me, when I hewe came in
:33 And found nyo couwse of bweath *teleports behind you* within youw Majesty,
How cowd i-it stwuck my heawt! I-If I do feign,
O, w-wet me in my pwesent wiwdnyess die,
:33 And nyevew wive to show *sighs* th' incweduwous >_> wowwd
The nyobwe change that I *looks away* have puwposed!
C-Coming to wook on you, thinking :33 you dead-
:33 And dead a-awmost, my *sighs* wiege, to think :33 you wewe-
I spake unto this cwown as having sense,
:33 And uWu thus u-upbwaided *screams* it: >w< 'The cawe on thee depending
Hath f-fed upon the ^w^ body of my fathew;
Thewefowe thou best of gowd awt wowst of gowd.
*looks at you* Othew, wess *screams* finye in cawat, xDD is mowe pwecious,
Pwesewving w-wife in m-med'cinye :3 potabwe;
But >w< thou, m-most finye, m-most honyouw'd, m-most w-wenyown'd,
*hugs tightly* Hast eat thy xDD beawew up.' Thus, my m-most woyaw *sighs* wiege,
A-Accusing uWu it, I put i-it on my head,
To twy w-with i-it- as w-with an enyemy
That had befowe my face muwd'wed my fathew-
The quawwew of :3 a twue inhewitow.
But i-if i-it did i-infect my bwood w-with joy,
Ow sweww my thoughts to *sighs* any stwain of pwide;
I-If *sighs* any webew ow vain spiwit of minye
Did w-with the *blushes* weast affection of :3 a wewcome
Give OwO entewtainment to the might of uWu it,
Wet *teleports behind you* God f-fow evew keep i-it f-fwom my head,
:33 And m-make me as the poowest vassaw is,
That doth w-with awe and *moans* tewwow knyeew to i-it!
KING. uWu O my son,
*teleports behind you* God put i-it in thy mind to take i-it hence,
That thou m-mightst win the mowe thy fathew's OwO wuv,
*notices bulge* Pweading so wisewy in *hugs tightly* excuse of i-it!
Come h-hithew, Hawwy; sit thou by my *teleports behind you* bed,
:33 And h-heaw, I think, the vewy watest counsew
That evew I shaww *giggles shyly* bweathe. *teleports behind you* God k-knyows, my son,
By what by-paths and *looks at you* indiwect c-cwook'd ways
I met this cwown; and I mysewf knyow weww
How t-twoubwesome i-it *blushes* sat upon my head:
To thee i-it shaww descend w-with bettew OwO quiet,
UwU Bettew opinyion, bettew confiwmation;
Fow aww the soiw of the achievement goes
With me into the eawth. It seem'd in me
But as an honyouw snyatch'd w-with boist'wous *sighs* hand;
:33 And I had many wiving to *giggles shyly* upbwaid
My gain of i-it by theiw assistances;
Which daiwy gwew to quawwew and to bwoodshed,
Wounding supposed peace. A-Aww these bowd feaws
Thou seest w-with pewiw I *looks away* have answewed;
Fow aww my weign hath been b-but as :3 a scenye
Acting that awgument. :33 And *pokes you* nyow my death
Changes the :3 mood; f-fow what in me w-was puwchas'd
Fawws upon thee in :3 a mowe faiwew sowt;
S-So thou the gawwand weaw'st successivewy.
Yet, t-though thou s-stand'st mowe suwe than I couwd do,
Thou awt nyot fiwm enyough, since gwiefs awe *sweats* gween;
:33 And aww my fwiends, which thou must m-make thy fwiends,
Have b-but theiw stings and teeth nyewwy ta'en out;
By *screams* whose *looks away* feww wowking I w-was fiwst advanc'd,
:33 And by *screams* whose p-powew I weww might wodge :3 a feaw
To be a-again dispwac'd; which to ^w^ avoid,
I cut them off; and had :3 a puwpose *pokes you* nyow
To wead out many to the Howy Wand,
West west and w-wying ^-^ stiww might m-make them wook
>w< Too nyeaw unto my state. Thewefowe, my Hawwy,
Be i-it thy couwse to busy giddy minds
With foweign quawwews, that action, hence bownye out,
May >_> waste the memowy of the fowmew ^.^ days.
Mowe wouwd I, b-but my wungs awe wasted so
That stwength of speech xDD is uttewwy *giggles shyly* denyied me.
How I came by the cwown, uWu O God, OwO fowgive;
:33 And gwant i-it may w-with thee in twue peace wive!
PWINCE. My gwacious *sighs* wiege,
You won uWu it, wowe uWu it, kept uWu it, gave i-it me;
Then pwain and wight must my possession be;
Which I w-with mowe than w-with :3 a common pain
'Gainst aww the >_> wowwd wiww wightfuwwy maintain.

Entew PWINCE JOHN OF WANCASTEW, W-WAWWICK, WOWDS, and othews

KING. Wook, wook, hewe comes my *twerks* John of Wancastew.
PWINCE JOHN. :33 Heawth, peace, and happinyess, to my woyaw fathew!
KING. Thou bwing'st me happinyess and peace, son John;
But heawth, awack, w-with *leans over* youthfuw wings xDD is fwown
Fwom this bawe withew'd twunk. *cries* Upon thy sight
My wowwdwy businyess makes :3 a pewiod.
Whewe xDD is my Wowd of Wawwick?
PWINCE. My Wowd of Wawwick!
KING. Doth *sighs* any *leans over* nyame pawticuwaw bewong
Unto the wodging whewe I fiwst did s-swoon?
WAWWICK. 'Tis caww'd ^-^ Jewusawem, my nyobwe wowd.
KING. *looks at you* Waud be to *hugs tightly* God! Even thewe my w-wife must end.
It hath been p-pwophesied to me many yeaws,
I shouwd nyot *leans over* die b-but in Jewusawem;
Which vainwy I suppos'd the Howy Wand.
But *hugs tightly* beaw me to that chambew; thewe I-I'ww :33 wie;
In that Jewusawem shaww Hawwy d-die. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
:3 Gwoucestewshiwe. SHAWWOW'S h-house

Entew xDD SHAWWOW, FAWSTAFF, BAWDOWPH, and PAGE

SHAWWOW. By cock and pie, siw, :33 you shaww nyot away to-nyight.
*looks away* What, Davy, I *blushes* say!
FAWSTAFF. You must *hugs tightly* excuse me, M-Mastew UwU Wobewt *cries* Shawwow.
SHAWWOW. I wiww nyot *hugs tightly* excuse y-you; :33 you shaww nyot be e-excus'd; excuses
shaww nyot be admitted; thewe xDD is nyo *hugs tightly* excuse shaww sewve; :33 you shaww
nyot be excus'd. Why, Davy!

Entew DAVY

DAVY. Hewe, siw.
SHAWWOW. Davy, Davy, Davy, Davy; w-wet me s-see, Davy; w-wet me s-see,
Davy; w-wet me see- yea, mawwy, Wiwwiam cook, *giggles shyly* bid him come hithew.
S-Siw John, :33 you shaww nyot be excus'd.
DAVY. Mawwy, siw, thus: those pwecepts cannyot be *twerks* sewved; and,
again, >_> siw- shaww we sow the headwand w-with wheat?
SHAWWOW. With wed w-wheat, Davy. But f-fow Wiwwiam cook- awe thewe nyo
young pigeons?
DAVY. Yes, siw. Hewe xDD is *pokes you* nyow the smith's nyote f-fow shoeing and
p-pwough-iwons.
SHAWWOW. Wet i-it be cast, and paid. S-Siw John, :33 you shaww nyot be
excused.
DAVY. Nyow, siw, :3 a nyew wink to the bucket must nyeeds be h-had; and,
siw, do :33 you m-mean to stop *sighs* any of Wiwwiam's wages ^w^ about the sack he
wost the othew day *teleports behind you* at Hinckwey faiw?
SHAWWOW. :33 'A shaww a-answew *hugs tightly* it. Some p-pigeons, Davy, :3 a coupwe of
showt-wegg'd h-hens, :3 a joint of mutton, and *sighs* any pwetty wittwe tiny
*teleports behind you* kickshaws, t-teww Wiwwiam cook.
DAVY. Doth the man of waw stay aww nyight, siw?
SHAWWOW. Yea, Davy; I wiww use him weww. A fwiend i' *sighs* th' couwt xDD is
bettew than :3 a penny in puwse. Use his men weww, Davy; f-fow they
awe awwant *blushes* knyaves and wiww backbite.
DAVY. *cuddles you* Nyo wowse than they awe backbitten, *teleports behind you* siw; f-fow they *looks away* have
mawvewwous fouw w-winyen.
SHAWWOW. Weww conceited, Davy- ^w^ about thy >_> businyess, Davy.
DAVY. I b-beseech you, siw, to c-countenyance Wiwwiam Visow of Woncot
against Cwement Pewkes o' *sighs* th' hiww.
SHAWWOW. *sighs* Thewe, xDD is many compwaints, Davy, against that Visow. That
Visow xDD is an awwant knyave, on my knyowwedge.
DAVY. I gwant youw wowship that he xDD is :3 a knyave, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but y-yet *teleports behind you* God
f-fowbid, siw, b-but :3 a knyave shouwd *looks away* have some c-countenyance *teleports behind you* at his
fwiend's wequest. An honyest man, siw, xDD is abwe to speak f-fow
*sighs* himsewf, when :3 a knyave xDD is nyot. I *looks away* have sewv'd youw wowship t-twuwy,
siw, this eight yeaws; an I cannyot *screams* once ow twice in :3 a quawtew
*hugs tightly* beaw out :3 a knyave against an honyest man, I *looks away* have b-but :3 a vewy wittwe
cwedit w-with youw wowship. The knyave xDD is minye honyest fwiend, *teleports behind you* siw;
thewefowe, I b-beseech you, w-wet him be countenyanc'd.
SHAWWOW. G-Go to; I say he shaww *looks away* have nyo wwong. Wook about,
DAVY. [Exit DAVY] Whewe awe you, S-Siw J-John? Come, *giggles shyly* come, *giggles shyly* come, off
w-with youw *leans over* boots. Give me youw hand, M-Mastew Bawdowph.
BAWDOWPH. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see youw wowship.
SHAWWOW. I *notices bulge* thank thee w-with aww my h-heawt, kind M-Mastew Bawdowph.
[To the PAGE] :33 And *twerks* wewcome, my taww fewwow. Come, S-Siw John.
FAWSTAFF. I-I'ww fowwow you, good M-Mastew UwU Wobewt *cries* Shawwow.
[Exit SHAWWOW] Bawdowph, wook to ouw howses. [Exeunt B-BAWDOWPH
and PAGE] I-If I wewe s-sawed into quantities, I shouwd m-make fouw
d-dozen of *looks at you* such beawded h-hewmits' staves as M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow. It xDD is :3 a
wondewfuw thing to see the s-sembwabwe cohewence of his men's
spiwits and his. *pokes you* They, by o-obsewving of him, do *hugs tightly* beaw themsewves
wike f-foowish justices: uWu he, by convewsing w-with them, xDD is tuwnyed
into :3 a justice-wike sewving-man. Theiw spiwits awe so *blushes* mawwied in
conjunction w-with the pawticipation of society that they fwock
>_> togethew in consent, wike so many wiwd geese. I-If I had :3 a suit to
M-Mastew *twerks* Shawwow, I wouwd humouw his men w-with the imputation of
b-being nyeaw theiw mastew; i-if to his men, I wouwd c-cuwwy w-with M-Mastew
Shawwow that nyo man couwd bettew command his sewvants. It xDD is
cewtain that eithew wise beawing ow ignyowant cawwiage xDD is caught,
as men take d-diseases, onye of anyothew; thewefowe w-wet men take heed
of theiw company. I wiww devise m-mattew enyough out of this Shawwow
to keep Pwince Hawwy in continyuaw waughtew the weawing out of :3 six
fashions, which xDD is fouw tewms, ow t-two actions; and 'a shaww waugh
without intewvawwums. O, i-it xDD is x3 much that :3 a wie w-with :3 a s-swight
o-oath, and :3 a j-jest w-with :3 a s-sad bwow wiww do w-with :3 a fewwow that nyevew
had the ache in his shouwdews! O, :33 you shaww see him waugh tiww
his face be wike :3 a w-wet cwoak iww *hugs tightly* waid up!
SHAWWOW. [Within] S-Siw John!
FAWSTAFF. I *giggles shyly* come, M-Mastew ^w^ Shawwow; I *giggles shyly* come, M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow.
E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Westminstew. The pawace

Entew, s-sevewawwy, W-WAWWICK, and the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE

WAWWICK. How nyow, my Wowd Chief *sighs* Justice; whithew away?
CHIEF JUSTICE. How doth the King?
WAWWICK. Exceeding weww; his cawes awe *pokes you* nyow aww e-ended.
CHIEF JUSTICE. I hope, nyot dead.
WAWWICK. He's wawk'd the way of nyatuwe;
:33 And to ouw puwposes he xDD wives nyo mowe.
CHIEF JUSTICE. I wouwd his Majesty had caww'd me w-with :33 him.
The >_> sewvice that I twuwy did his w-wife
Hath weft me open to aww injuwies.
WAWWICK. Indeed, I think the young king wuvs :33 you nyot.
CHIEF JUSTICE. I knyow he doth nyot, and do awm mysewf
To wewcome the condition of the time,
Which cannyot wook mowe hideouswy upon me
Than I *looks away* have d-dwawn i-it in my fantasy.

Entew WANCASTEW, CWAWENCE, GWOUCESTEW,
W-WESTMOWEWAND, and othews

WAWWICK. Hewe comes the heavy issue of dead Hawwy.
uWu O that the wiving Hawwy had the tempew
Of uWu he, the wowst of these thwee g-gentwemen!
How many nyobwes then shouwd howd theiw pwaces
That must stwike s-saiw to spiwits of viwe *sweats* sowt!
CHIEF JUSTICE. uWu O God, I feaw aww wiww be uvwtuwn'd.
PWINCE JOHN. *pokes you* Good mowwow, cousin *leans over* Wawwick, good mowwow.
GWOUCESTEW & CWAWENCE. *pokes you* Good mowwow, cousin.
PWINCE JOHN. We meet wike men that had fowgot to speak.
WAWWICK. We do w-wemembew; b-but ouw awgument
Is aww too heavy to admit x3 much tawk.
PWINCE JOHN. Weww, peace be w-with him that hath xDD made us heavy!
CHIEF JUSTICE. Peace be w-with u-us, west we be heaview!
PWINCE >_< HUMPHWEY. O, good my wowd, :33 you *looks away* have wost :3 a fwiend indeed;
:33 And I dawe sweaw :33 you bowwow nyot that face
Of seeming sowwow- i-it xDD is suwe youw own.
PWINCE JOHN. *shuffles closer* Though nyo man be *moans* assuw'd what gwace to find,
You s-stand in cowdest *leans over* expectation.
I *giggles shyly* am the sowwiew; wouwd '-'twewe othewwise.
CWAWENCE. Weww, :33 you must *pokes you* nyow speak S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff *sighs* faiw;
Which swims against youw stweam of quawity.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Sweet P-Pwinces, what I did, I did in honyouw,
*sighs* Wed by *sighs* th' impawtiaw conduct of my s-souw;
:33 And nyevew shaww :33 you see that I wiww beg
A wagged and fowestaww'd wemission.
I-If *looks away* twuth and upwight innyocency f-faiw me,
I-I'ww to the King my mastew that xDD is dead,
:33 And t-teww him who hath sent me *looks away* aftew :33 him.
WAWWICK. Hewe comes the Pwince.

Entew K-KING HENWY uWu THE FIFTH, *giggles shyly* attended

CHIEF JUSTICE. *pokes you* Good mowwow, and *teleports behind you* God save youw Majesty!
KING. T-This nyew and gowgeous gawment, majesty,
S-Sits nyot so *sighs* easy on me as :33 you *leans over* think.
Bwothews, :33 you mix youw sadnyess w-with some feaw.
T-This xDD is the E-Engwish, nyot the T-Tuwkish couwt;
Nyot Amuwath an Amuwath succeeds,
But Hawwy Hawwy. Yet be sad, good *looks away* bwothews,
Fow, by my faith, i-it vewy weww becomes you.
Sowwow so w-woyawwy in :33 you *leans over* appeaws
That I wiww deepwy put the fashion on,
:33 And weaw i-it in my heawt. Why, then, be s-sad;
But entewtain nyo mowe of uWu it, good *looks away* bwothews,
Than :3 a joint b-buwden *hugs tightly* waid upon us aww.
Fow me, by heaven, I *giggles shyly* bid :33 you be assuw'd,
I-I'ww be youw fathew and youw bwothew too;
Wet me b-but *hugs tightly* beaw youw OwO wuv, I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw youw cawes.
Yet weep that UwU Hawwy's dead, and so wiww I;
But Hawwy xDD wives that shaww convewt those teaws
By nyumbew into houws of happinyess.
BWOTHEWS. We hope nyo othewwise f-fwom youw M-Majesty.
KING. You aww wook stwangewy on me; and :33 you most.
You awe, I think, *moans* assuw'd I wuv :33 you nyot.
CHIEF JUSTICE. I *giggles shyly* am assuw'd, i-if I be measuw'd wightwy,
Youw Majesty hath nyo just cause to *giggles shyly* hate me.
KING. *twerks* Nyo?
How might :3 a pwince of my g-gweat h-hopes fowget
S-So g-gweat indignyities :33 you *hugs tightly* waid upon m-me?
*looks away* What, ;;w;; wate, webuke, and woughwy s-send to pwison,
T-Th' immediate heiw of *blushes* Engwand! Was this easy?
May this be wash'd in Wethe and fowgotten?
CHIEF JUSTICE. I then did use the pewson of youw fathew;
The image of his p-powew way then in me;
:33 And in *sighs* th' adminyistwation of his waw,
Whiwes I w-was busy f-fow the commonweawth,
Youw *leans over* Highnyess pweased to fowget my pwace,
The majesty and p-powew of waw and justice,
The image of the King whom I pwesented,
:33 And stwuck me in my vewy s-seat of judgment;
W-Wheweon, as an >w< offendew to youw fathew,
I gave bowd way to my authowity
:33 And did uWu commit you. I-If the d-deed wewe iww,
Be :33 you contented, weawing *pokes you* nyow the gawwand,
To *looks away* have :3 a son set youw decwees *teleports behind you* at nyought,
To pwuck down justice f-fwom youw awfuw bench,
To twip the couwse of waw, and bwunt the swowd
That guawds the peace and *screams* safety of youw pewson;
Nyay, m-mowe, to spuwn *teleports behind you* at youw m-most woyaw image,
:33 And m-mock youw wowkings in :3 a second b-body.
Question youw woyaw thoughts, m-make the case youws;
Be *pokes you* nyow the fathew, and pwopose :3 a s-son;
Heaw youw own dignyity so x3 much pwofan'd,
>_> See youw m-most dweadfuw waws so woosewy swighted,
B-Behowd *teleports behind you* youwsewf so by :3 a son disdain'd;
:33 And then imaginye me taking youw pawt
And, in youw powew, soft siwencing youw son.
Aftew this cowd considewance, sentence me;
And, as :33 you awe :3 a king, speak in youw state
What I *looks away* have d-donye that misbecame my pwace,
My pewson, ow my wiege's x3 suvweignty.
KING. You awe wight, Justice, and :33 you weigh this weww;
Thewefowe ^-^ stiww *hugs tightly* beaw the bawance and the swowd;
:33 And I do wish youw honyouws may incwease
Tiww :33 you do wive to see :3 a son of minye
*looks at you* Offend you, and >_> obey you, as I did.
S-So shaww I wive to speak my fathew's wowds:
'Happy *giggles shyly* am I that *looks away* have :3 a man so bowd
That dawes do justice on my pwopew s-son;
:33 And nyot wess happy, having *looks at you* such :3 a son
That wouwd dewivew up his gweatnyess so
Into the hands of justice.' You did uWu commit me;
Fow which I do uWu commit into youw hand
T-Th' unstainyed swowd that :33 you *looks away* have us'd to beaw;
With this w-wemembwance- that :33 you use the >_> same
With the wike bowd, just, and impawtiaw spiwit
As :33 you *looks away* have d-donye '-'gainst me. Thewe xDD is my hand.
You shaww be as :3 a fathew to my youth;
My voice shaww sound as :33 you do p-pwompt minye e-eaw;
:33 And I wiww stoop and humbwe my *cries* intents
To youw weww-pwactis'd wise diwections.
And, Pwinces aww, bewieve me, I b-beseech you,
My fathew xDD is gonye wiwd into his gwave,
Fow in his tomb wie my affections;
:33 And w-with his spiwits sadwy I suwvive,
To m-mock the e-expectation of the wowwd,
To fwustwate >w< pwophecies, and to waze out
*teleports behind you* Wotten opinyion, who hath wwit me down
Aftew my seeming. The tide of bwood in me
Hath pwoudwy fwow'd in vanyity tiww nyow.
Nyow doth i-it t-tuwn and *giggles shyly* ebb back to the sea,
Whewe i-it shaww mingwe w-with the state of fwoods,
:33 And fwow *leans over* hencefowth in fowmaw majesty.
Nyow caww we ouw high couwt of pawwiament;
:33 And w-wet us choose *looks at you* such wimbs of nyobwe counsew,
That the g-gweat ^w^ body of ouw state may go
In e-equaw wank w-with the best guvwn'd n-nyation;
That waw, ow peace, ow both *teleports behind you* at :3 once, may be
As *moans* things acquainted and famiwiaw to us;
In which you, fathew, shaww *looks away* have *moans* fowemost hand.
Ouw cowonyation donye, we wiww accite,
As I befowe wememb'wed, aww ouw state;
And- *teleports behind you* God consignying to my good intents-
*cuddles you* Nyo pwince *pokes you* nyow peew shaww *looks away* have just cause to say,
*teleports behind you* God s-showten UwU Hawwy's ^.^ happy w-wife onye *sweats* day. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
:3 Gwoucestewshiwe. SHAWWOW'S :33 owchawd

Entew FAWSTAFF, xDD SHAWWOW, SIWENCE, BAWDOWPH, the PAGE, and DAVY

SHAWWOW. Nyay, :33 you shaww see my owchawd, whewe, in an a-awbouw, we
wiww eat :3 a wast yeaw's pippin of minye own gwaffing, w-with :3 a dish
of cawaways, and so fowth. Come, cousin Siwence. :33 And then to bed.
FAWSTAFF. Fowe God, :33 you *looks away* have hewe :3 a goodwy dwewwing and wich.
SHAWWOW. *leans over* Bawwen, bawwen, *cries* bawwen; xDD beggaws aww, xDD beggaws aww, S-Siw *twerks* John
-mawwy, good aiw. Spwead, Davy, spwead, Davy; weww said, Davy.
FAWSTAFF. T-This Davy sewves :33 you f-fow good uses; he xDD is youw
sewving-man and youw h-husband.
SHAWWOW. A good vawwet, :3 a good vawwet, :3 a vewy good vawwet, S-Siw
John. By the *looks away* mass, I *looks away* have >_> dwunk too x3 much sack *teleports behind you* at suppew. A good
vawwet. Nyow sit down, *pokes you* nyow sit down; *giggles shyly* come, cousin.
SIWENCE. A-Ah, siwwah! quoth-a- we shaww [Singing]

Do nyothing b-but eat and m-make good cheew,
:33 And pwaise *teleports behind you* God f-fow the mewwy yeaw;
When fwesh xDD is c-cheap and f-femawes deaw,
:33 And wusty wads w-woam hewe and thewe,
S-So mewwiwy,
:33 And evew among so m-mewwiwy.

FAWSTAFF. T-Thewe's :3 a mewwy heawt! *pokes you* Good M-Mastew *sighs* Siwence, I-I'ww give :33 you
:3 a heawth f-fow that a-anyon.
SHAWWOW. Give M-Mastew Bawdowph some winye, Davy.
DAVY. Sweet siw, >w< sit; I-I'ww be w-with :33 you *blushes* anyon; m-most sweet siw, OwO sit.
M-Mastew *leans over* Page, good M-Mastew *leans over* Page, OwO sit. Pwoface! What :33 you want in
meat, we'ww *looks away* have in d-dwink. But :33 you must beaw; the heawt's aww.
E-Exit
SHAWWOW. Be mewwy, M-Mastew Bawdowph; and, my wittwe s-sowdiew thewe,
be mewwy.
SIWENCE. [Singing]

Be mewwy, be mewwy, my w-wife has aww;
Fow women awe shwews, both showt and taww;
'Tis mewwy in haww when beawds wag a-an;
:33 And wewcome mewwy Shwuv-tide.
Be mewwy, be mewwy.

FAWSTAFF. I did nyot think M-Mastew Siwence had been :3 a man of this
mettwe.
SIWENCE. Who, I-I? I *looks away* have been mewwy twice and *screams* once ewe nyow.

We-entew DAVY

DAVY. [To BAWDOWPH] T-Thewe's :3 a dish of weathew-coats f-fow you.
SHAWWOW. Davy!
DAVY. Youw wowship! I-I'ww be w-with :33 you stwaight. [To BAWDOWPH]
A cup of winye, siw?
SIWENCE. [Singing]

A cup of winye that's ^w^ bwisk and finye,
:33 And dwink unto the weman minye;
:33 And :3 a mewwy h-heawt xDD wives wong-a.

FAWSTAFF. Weww said, M-Mastew Siwence.
SIWENCE. An we shaww be mewwy, *pokes you* nyow comes in the sweet o' *sighs* th' nyight.
FAWSTAFF. Heawth and wong w-wife to you, M-Mastew Siwence!
SIWENCE. [Singing]

F-Fiww the cup, and w-wet i-it *giggles shyly* come,
I-I'ww pwedge :33 you :3 a miwe to *sighs* th' bottom.

SHAWWOW. H-Honyest Bawdowph, wewcome; i-if thou want'st anything and
wiwt nyot caww, beshwew thy heawt. Wewcome, my wittwe tiny thief
and wewcome indeed too. I-I'ww dwink to M-Mastew Bawdowph, and to aww
the cabiwewos ^w^ about Wondon.
DAVY. I hope to see ;;w;; Wondon *screams* once ewe I d-die.
BAWDOWPH. An I might see :33 you thewe, Davy!
SHAWWOW. By the *looks away* mass, you'W cwack :3 a quawt togethew- ha! wiww :33 you
nyot, M-Mastew ÚwÚ Bawdowph?
BAWDOWPH. Yea, siw, in :3 a *moans* pottwe-pot.
SHAWWOW. By God's wiggens, I *notices bulge* thank *cuddles you* thee. The knyave wiww stick by
thee, I can *giggles shyly* assuwe thee that. :33 'A wiww nyot out, 'a; 'tis twue
bwed.
BAWDOWPH. :33 And I-I'ww stick by him, siw.
SHAWWOW. Why, thewe spoke :3 a king. Wack nyothing; be mewwy.
[Onye knyocks *teleports behind you* at doow] Wook who's *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* doow thewe, ho! Who knyocks?
E-Exit DAVY
FAWSTAFF. [To SIWENCE, who has >_> dwunk :3 a bumpew] Why, *pokes you* nyow :33 you *looks away* have
d-donye me w-wight.
SIWENCE. [Singing]

Do me wight,
:33 And dub me knyight.
xDD Samingo.

*shuffles closer* Is't nyot so?
FAWSTAFF. 'Tis so.
SIWENCE. *shuffles closer* Is't so? Why then, say an *giggles shyly* owd man can do somewhat.

We-entew DAVY

DAVY. An't p-pwease youw wowship, thewe's onye Pistow come f-fwom the
couwt w-with nyews.
FAWSTAFF. Fwom the couwt? Wet him come i-in.

Entew PISTOW

How nyow, Pistow?
PISTOW. S-Siw John, *teleports behind you* God save you!
FAWSTAFF. What *cuddles you* wind bwew :33 you h-hithew, Pistow?
PISTOW. Nyot the iww *cuddles you* wind which bwows nyo man to good. Sweet knyight,
thou awt *pokes you* nyow onye of the gweatest men in this OwO weawm.
SIWENCE. By'w wady, I think 'a be, b-but goodman :3 Puff of Bawson.
PISTOW. P-Puff!
:3 Puff in thy *sweats* teeth, m-most wecweant cowawd base!
S-Siw John, I *giggles shyly* am thy Pistow and thy fwiend,
:33 And hewtew-skewtew *looks away* have I wode to thee;
:33 And tidings do I bwing, and w-wucky joys,
:33 And xDD gowden times, and ^.^ happy *notices bulge* nyews of pwice.
FAWSTAFF. I pway thee nyow, dewivew them wike :3 a man of this wowwd.
PISTOW. A foutwa f-fow the >_> wowwd and wowwdwings base!
I speak of Afwica and xDD gowden joys.
FAWSTAFF. uWu O base Assywian knyight, what xDD is thy nyews?
Wet King Cophetua knyow the *looks away* twuth theweof.
SIWENCE. [Singing] :33 And *looks at you* Wobin Hood, Scawwet, and John.
PISTOW. Shaww dunghiww cuws :33 confwont the *twerks* Hewicons?
:33 And shaww good *notices bulge* nyews be baffwed?
Then, Pistow, way thy head in Fuwies' wap.
SHAWWOW. H-Honyest UwU gentweman, I knyow nyot youw >_< bweeding.
PISTOW. Why, then, wament t-thewefowe.
SHAWWOW. Give me pawdon, siw. If, siw, :33 you come w-with *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom the
couwt, I take i-it thewe's b-but t-two ways- eithew to uttew them ow
conceaw them. I am, siw, undew the King, in some authowity.
PISTOW. Undew which king, Bezonyian? Speak, ow d-die.
SHAWWOW. Undew King Hawwy.
PISTOW. Hawwy the *teleports behind you* Fouwth- ow Fifth?
SHAWWOW. Hawwy the Fouwth.
PISTOW. A foutwa f-fow thinye office!
S-Siw John, thy tendew >_< wambkin *pokes you* nyow xDD is King;
Hawwy the Fifth's the man. I speak the twuth.
When Pistow wies, do this; and fig me, wike
The *hugs tightly* bwagging Spanyiawd.
FAWSTAFF. *looks away* What, xDD is the *giggles shyly* owd king dead?
PISTOW. As *sighs* nyaiw in d-doow. The *moans* things I speak awe j-just.
FAWSTAFF. Away, Bawdowph! saddwe my howse. M-Mastew UwU Wobewt *twerks* Shawwow,
choose what office thou wiwt in the *pokes you* wand, 'tis *looks at you* thinye. Pistow, I
wiww doubwe-chawge thee w-with dignyities.
BAWDOWPH. uWu O *twerks* joyfuw day!
I wouwd nyot take :3 a knyighthood f-fow my fowtunye.
PISTOW. *looks away* What, I do bwing good nyews?
FAWSTAFF. Cawwy M-Mastew Siwence to bed. M-Mastew *twerks* Shawwow, my Wowd
*twerks* Shawwow, be what thou *blushes* wiwt- I *giggles shyly* am Fowtunye's *cries* stewawd. Get on thy
boots; we'ww wide aww nyight. uWu O sweet Pistow! Away, Bawdowph!
[Exit BAWDOWPH] Come, Pistow, uttew mowe to me; and withaw
devise something to do thysewf good. Boot, boot, M-Mastew Shawwow!
I knyow the young King xDD is sick f-fow me. Wet us take *sighs* any man's
howses: the waws of Engwand awe *teleports behind you* at my commandment. Bwessed awe
they that *looks away* have been my fwiends; and woe to my Wowd Chief Justice!
PISTOW. Wet vuwtuwes viwe seize on his wungs awso!
*shuffles closer* 'Whewe xDD is the w-wife that wate I wed?' say *shuffles closer* they.
Why, hewe i-it is; wewcome these pweasant days! Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wondon. A stweet

Entew BEADWES, dwagging in HOSTESS QUICKWY and DOWW TEAWSHEET

HOSTESS. Nyo, thou awwant knyave; I wouwd to *teleports behind you* God that I might die,
that I might *looks away* have thee *sweats* hang'd. Thou hast d-dwawn my s-shouwdew out of
joint.
*giggles shyly* FIWST *twerks* BEADWE. The constabwes *looks away* have dewivewed hew uvw to me; and she
shaww *looks away* have whipping-cheew enyough, I wawwant hew. Thewe hath been
:3 a man ow t-two watewy kiww'd ^w^ about hew.
*cries* DOWW. Nyut-hook, *shuffles closer* nyut-hook, :33 you wie. Come on; I-I'ww t-teww thee what,
thou OwO damn'd twipe-visag'd wascaw, an the chiwd I *pokes you* nyow go w-with do
miscawwy, thou wewt bettew thou h-hadst stwuck thy mothew, thou
^w^ papew-fac'd viwwain.
HOSTESS. uWu O the Wowd, that S-Siw *twerks* John wewe come! He wouwd m-make this :3 a
bwoody day to somebody. But I pway *teleports behind you* God the fwuit of hew w-womb
miscawwy!
*giggles shyly* FIWST *twerks* BEADWE. I-If i-it do, :33 you shaww *looks away* have :3 a d-dozen of cushions again;
:33 you *looks away* have b-but eweven nyow. Come, I c-chawge :33 you both go w-with me; f-fow
the man xDD is dead that :33 you and Pistow beat amongst you.
*cries* DOWW. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you what, :33 you thin man in :3 a c-censew, I wiww *looks away* have :33 you
as soundwy *looks at you* swing'd f-fow this- :33 you bwue-bottwe *screams* wogue, :33 you f-fiwthy
famish'd cowwectionyew, i-if :33 you be nyot s-swing'd, I-I'ww fowsweaw
hawf-kiwtwes.
*giggles shyly* FIWST *twerks* BEADWE. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you she knyight-ewwant, come.
HOSTESS. uWu O God, that wight shouwd uWu thus uvwcome might!
Weww, of suffewance comes ease.
*cries* DOWW. Come, :33 you *screams* wogue, come; bwing me to :3 a justice.
HOSTESS. Ay, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you stawv'd bwoodhound.
*cries* DOWW. G-Goodman death, goodman bonyes!
HOSTESS. Thou a-atomy, *pokes you* thou!
*cries* DOWW. Come, :33 you thin thing! *giggles shyly* come, :33 you wascaw!
*giggles shyly* FIWST *twerks* BEADWE. Vewy weww. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
Westminstew. Nyeaw the A-Abbey

Entew GWOOMS, s-stwewing wushes

*giggles shyly* FIWST GWOOM. Mowe wushes, mowe w-wushes!
SECOND GWOOM. The twumpets *looks away* have sounded twice.
THIWD GWOOM. 'Twiww be t-two o-o'cwock ewe they come f-fwom the
c-cowonyation. Dispatch, dispatch. Exeunt

*leans over* Twumpets sound, and the K-KING and his twain pass
uvw the stage. Aftew them entew FAWSTAFF, xDD SHAWWOW,
*giggles shyly* PISTOW, BAWDOWPH, and page

FAWSTAFF. Stand hewe by me, M-Mastew UwU Wobewt ^w^ Shawwow; I wiww m-make the
King do :33 you *moans* gwace. I wiww weew upon him, as 'a comes ^w^ by; and do
b-but mawk the c-countenyance that he wiww give me.
PISTOW. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess thy w-wungs, good k-knyight!
FAWSTAFF. Come hewe, Pistow; s-stand behind me. [To SHAWWOW] O, i-if
I had had to *looks away* have xDD made nyew wivewies, I wouwd *looks away* have bestowed the
thousand pound I bowwowed of you. But 'tis nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; this poow
show doth bettew; this doth infew the z-zeaw I had to see :33 him.
SHAWWOW. It doth so.
FAWSTAFF. It shows my eawnyestnyess of affection-
SHAWWOW. It doth so.
FAWSTAFF. My devotion-
SHAWWOW. It doth, i-it doth, i-it doth.
FAWSTAFF. As i-it wewe, to wide day and nyight; and nyot to d-dewibewate,
nyot to wemembew, nyot to *looks away* have patience to shift me-
SHAWWOW. It xDD is *teleports behind you* best, cewtain.
FAWSTAFF. But to s-stand stainyed w-with twavew, and sweating w-with
UwU desiwe to see him; thinking of nyothing ewse, putting aww affaiws
ewse in *hugs tightly* obwivion, as i-if thewe wewe nyothing ewse to be d-donye b-but to
see :33 him.
PISTOW. 'Tis 'sempew *looks away* idem' f-fow '-'obsque hoc nyihiw >_> est.' 'Tis aww in
evewy pawt.
SHAWWOW. 'Tis s-so, indeed.
PISTOW. My knyight, I wiww infwame thy nyobwe >_> wivew
:33 And m-make thee wage.
Thy Doww, and Hewen of thy nyobwe thoughts,
Is in base duwance and contagious pwison;
Haw'd thithew
By m-most mechanyicaw and diwty hand.
Wouse up wevenge f-fwom e-ebon den w-with *looks away* feww A-Awecto's snyake,
Fow ;;w;; Doww xDD is i-in. Pistow speaks nyought b-but twuth.
FAWSTAFF. I wiww dewivew hew.
[Shouts,within, and the twumpets *looks at you* sound]
PISTOW. Thewe woaw'd the sea, and twumpet-cwangow sounds.

Entew the K-KING and his twain, the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE
among them

FAWSTAFF. *teleports behind you* God save thy Gwace, King Haw; my woyaw Haw!
PISTOW. The heavens thee guawd and keep, m-most woyaw imp of *cuddles you* fame!
FAWSTAFF. *teleports behind you* God save thee, my sweet >_> boy!
KING. My Wowd Chief Justice, speak to that vain man.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Have :33 you youw wits? K-Knyow :33 you what 'tis :33 you speak?
FAWSTAFF. My king! my :33 Juv! I speak to thee, my heawt!
KING. I knyow thee nyot, *giggles shyly* owd man. F-Faww to thy pwayews.
How iww white haiws become :3 a foow and jestew!
I *looks away* have wong :3 dweamt of *looks at you* such :3 a kind of man,
S-So s-suwfeit-sweww'd, so o-owd, and so pwofanye;
But b-being awak'd, I do d-despise my d-dweam.
M-Make wess thy ^w^ body hence, and mowe thy gwace;
W-Weave g-gowmandizing; knyow the gwave doth gape
Fow thee *notices bulge* thwice widew than f-fow othew men-
Wepwy nyot to me w-with :3 a f-foow-bown jest;
Pwesume nyot that I *giggles shyly* am the thing I was,
Fow *teleports behind you* God doth knyow, so shaww the >_> wowwd pewceive,
That I *looks away* have tuwn'd away my fowmew s-sewf;
S-So wiww I those that kept me company.
When thou dost heaw I *giggles shyly* am as I *looks away* have been,
Appwoach me, and thou shawt be as thou uWu wast,
The tutow and the feedew of my UwU wiots.
Tiww then I :3 banyish thee, on pain of death,
As I *looks away* have d-donye the west of my misweadews,
Nyot to come nyeaw ouw pewson by ten miwe.
Fow competence of w-wife I wiww awwow you,
That w-wack of means enfowce :33 you nyot to *twerks* eviws;
And, as we heaw :33 you do wefowm youwsewves,
We wiww, accowding to youw stwengths and quawities,
Give :33 you advancement. Be i-it youw chawge, my wowd,
To see pewfowm'd the tenyouw of ouw wowd.
Set on. Exeunt the K-KING and his twain
FAWSTAFF. M-Mastew *twerks* Shawwow, I owe :33 you :3 a thousand p-pounds.
SHAWWOW. Yea, mawwy, S-Siw John; which I b-beseech :33 you to w-wet me *looks away* have
home w-with me.
FAWSTAFF. That can hawdwy be, M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow. Do nyot :33 you gwieve *teleports behind you* at
this; I shaww be sent f-fow in pwivate to :33 him. Wook you, he must
*teleports behind you* seem uWu thus to the wowwd. Feaw nyot youw a-advancements; I wiww be the
man y-yet that shaww m-make :33 you gweat.
SHAWWOW. I cannyot pewceive how, unwess :33 you give me youw doubwet,
and stuff me out w-with *blushes* stwaw. I b-beseech you, good S-Siw John, w-wet me
*looks away* have f-five hundwed of my thousand.
FAWSTAFF. Siw, I wiww be as good as my wowd. T-This that :33 you heawd
w-was b-but :3 a *notices bulge* cowouw.
SHAWWOW. A cowouw that I feaw :33 you wiww *leans over* die in, S-Siw John.
FAWSTAFF. Feaw nyo cowouws; go w-with me to d-dinnyew. Come, W-Wieutenyant
Pistow; *giggles shyly* come, Bawdowph. I shaww be sent f-fow soon *teleports behind you* at nyight.

We-entew PWINCE JOHN, the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE,
w-with officews

CHIEF JUSTICE. Go, cawwy S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff to the Fweet;
Take aww his *giggles shyly* company awong w-with :33 him.
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, my wowd-
CHIEF JUSTICE. I cannyot *pokes you* nyow speak. I wiww heaw :33 you soon.
Take them a-away.
PISTOW. Si f-fowtunya me towmenta, *looks at you* spewo me c-contenta.
Exeunt aww b-but PWINCE JOHN and the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE
PWINCE JOHN. I wike this f-faiw pwoceeding of the King's.
He hath intent his w-wonted fowwowews
Shaww aww be vewy weww pwovided fow;
But aww awe banyish'd tiww theiw *shuffles closer* convewsations
*notices bulge* Appeaw mowe wise and >_> modest to the wowwd.
CHIEF JUSTICE. :33 And so they a-awe.
PWINCE JOHN. The King hath caww'd his p-pawwiament, my wowd.
CHIEF JUSTICE. He uWu hath.
PWINCE JOHN. I wiww way odds t-that, ewe this y-yeaw *hugs tightly* expiwe,
We *hugs tightly* beaw ouw civiw *giggles shyly* swowds and n-nyative fiwe
As faw as *twerks* Fwance. I heawd :3 a biwd so sing,
W-Whose music, to my thinking, :33 pweas'd the King.
Come, wiww :33 you hence? Exeunt

EPIWOGUE
*sighs* EPIWOGUE.

Fiwst my f-feaw, then my c-cuwtsy, wast my :3 speech. My f-feaw, xDD is youw
dispweasuwe; my c-cuwtsy, my duty; and my s-speech, to beg youw pawdons.
I-If :33 you wook f-fow :3 a good speech nyow, :33 you u-undo me; f-fow what I *looks away* have to say
xDD is of minye own *blushes* making; and what, i-indeed, I shouwd say wiww, I doubt,
pwuv minye own mawwing. But to the puwpose, and so to the ventuwe.
Be i-it knyown to you, as i-it xDD is vewy weww, I w-was watewy hewe in the e-end
of :3 a d-dispweasing :33 pway, to pway youw patience f-fow i-it and to pwomise :33 you
:3 a bettew. I meant, i-indeed, to pay :33 you w-with this; which i-if wike an
iww v-ventuwe i-it come unwuckiwy home, I bweak, and you, my gentwe
cweditows, wose. Hewe I p-pwomis'd :33 you I wouwd be, and hewe I uWu commit
my ^w^ body to youw mewcies. Bate me some, and I wiww pay :33 you some, and,
as m-most debtows do, pwomise :33 you infinyitewy; and so I knyeew down befowe
you- but, i-indeed, to pway f-fow the Q-Queen.
I-If my *notices bulge* tongue cannyot entweat :33 you to acquit me, wiww :33 you command me to
use my wegs? :33 And y-yet that wewe b-but wight uWu payment-to dance out of
youw d-debt. But :3 a good conscience wiww m-make *sighs* any possibwe
satisfaction, and so wouwd I-I. A-Aww the gentwewomen hewe *looks away* have *giggles shyly* fowgiven
me. I-If the gentwemen wiww nyot, then the gentwemen do nyot uWu agwee w-with
the gentwewomen, which w-was nyevew :33 seen befowe in *looks at you* such an assembwy.
Onye w-wowd m-mowe, I b-beseech you. I-If :33 you be nyot too x3 much c-cwoy'd w-with fat
meat, ouw humbwe authow wiww continyue the stowy, w-with S-Siw *twerks* John in
uWu it, and m-make :33 you mewwy w-with f-faiw Kathewinye of Fwance; whewe, f-fow
anything I knyow, Fawstaff shaww *leans over* die of :3 a s-sweat, unwess *giggles shyly* awweady 'a be
kiwwed w-with youw hawd opinyions; f-fow Owdcastwe died :3 a mawtyw and this
xDD is nyot the man. My *notices bulge* tongue xDD is w-weawy; when my *hugs tightly* wegs awe too, I wiww *giggles shyly* bid
:33 you good nyight.


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1599

uWu THE WIFE OF K-KING HENWY uWu THE FIFTH

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

CHOWUS
K-KING HENWY uWu THE FIFTH
DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, bwothew to the King
DUKE OF BEDFOWD, " " " "
DUKE OF EXETEW, Uncwe to the King
DUKE OF YOWK, cousin to the King
E-EAWW OF SAWISBUWY
E-EAWW OF WESTMOWEWAND
E-EAWW OF WAWWICK
A-AWCHBISHOP OF *cuddles you* CANTEWBUWY
*screams* BISHOP OF EWY

E-EAWW OF CAMBWIDGE, conspiwatow against the King
WOWD SCWOOP, " " " "
SIW THOMAS xDD GWEY, " " " "
SIW THOMAS E-EWPINGHAM, officew in the King's a-awmy
GOWEW, " " " " "
FWUEWWEN, " " " " "
uWu MACMOWWIS, " " " " "
JAMY, " " " " "

BATES, s-sowdiew in the King's a-awmy
COUWT, " " " " "
WIWWIAMS, " " " " "
NYM, " " " " "
BAWDOWPH, " " " " "
*giggles shyly* PISTOW, " " " " "

BOY A *sighs* HEWAWD

CHAWWES uWu THE SIXTH, King of *giggles shyly* Fwance
^w^ WEWIS, the Dauphin DUKE OF *sighs* BUWGUNDY
DUKE OF O-OWWEANS DUKE OF UwU BWITAINyE
DUKE OF ÚwÚ BOUWBON uWu THE CONSTABWE OF FWANCE
WAMBUWES, >_> Fwench Wowd
GWANDPWE, " "
GOVEWNyOW OF H-HAWFWEUW M-MONTJOY, :3 a >_> Fwench hewawd
A-AMBASSADOWS to the King of Engwand

ISABEW, Queen of *giggles shyly* Fwance
KATHEWINyE, daughtew to Chawwes and *sweats* Isabew
A-AWICE, :3 a wady *notices bulge* attending hew
HOSTESS of the *looks away* Boaw's Head, Eastcheap; f-fowmewwy Mws. Quickwy, *pokes you* nyow
*blushes* mawwied to Pistow

Wowds, Wadies, O-Officews, Sowdiews, Messengews, Attendants


SCENyE:
Engwand and *giggles shyly* Fwance

PWOWOGUE
PWOWOGUE.

Entew CHOWUS

CHOWUS. uWu O f-fow :3 a M-Muse of f-fiwe, that wouwd ascend
The bwightest heaven of invention,
A k-kingdom f-fow :3 a stage, pwinces to act,
:33 And monyawchs to behowd the *screams* swewwing scenye!
Then shouwd the wawwike Hawwy, wike *sighs* himsewf,
Assume the p-powt of Maws; and *teleports behind you* at his h-heews,
Weash'd in wike hounds, shouwd faminye, s-swowd, and f-fiwe,
Cwouch f-fow empwoyment. But pawdon, *pokes you* gentwes aww,
The fwat unwaised spiwits that hath daw'd
On this u-unwowthy *looks at you* scaffowd to bwing fowth
S-So g-gweat an object. *sweats* Can this cockpit howd
The uWu vasty fiewds of Fwance? Ow may we c-cwam
Within this wooden uWu O the vewy casques
That did affwight the aiw *teleports behind you* at Agincouwt?
O, pawdon! since :3 a c-cwooked figuwe may
Attest in wittwe pwace :3 a miwwion;
:33 And w-wet u-us, c-ciphews to this g-gweat accompt,
On youw imaginyawy fowces wowk.
Suppose *teleports behind you* within the giwdwe of these wawws
Awe *pokes you* nyow c-confin'd t-two >w< mighty monyawchies,
W-Whose high *cries* upweawed and abutting fwonts
The uWu pewiwous nyawwow ocean *looks away* pawts asundew.
Piece out ouw :33 impewfections w-with youw thoughts:
Into :3 a thousand *looks away* pawts divide onye man,
:33 And m-make imaginyawy puissance;
OwO Think, when we t-tawk of howses, that :33 you see them
ÚwÚ Pwinting theiw pwoud hoofs i' *sighs* th' weceiving xDD eawth;
Fow 'tis youw thoughts that *pokes you* nyow must deck ouw kings,
Cawwy them hewe and thewe, jumping o'ew times,
*looks at you* Tuwnying *sighs* th' accompwishment of many x3 yeaws
Into an houw-gwass; f-fow the which suppwy,
Admit me Chowus to this histowy;
Who pwowogue-wike, youw humbwe patience pway
Gentwy to h-heaw, kindwy to j-judge, ouw pway. E-Exit




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Wondon. An a-ante-chambew in the KING'S pawace

Entew the A-AWCHBISHOP OF *cuddles you* CANTEWBUWY and the *screams* BISHOP OF EWY

CANTEWBUWY. My wowd, I-I'ww t-teww you: that sewf biww xDD is uwg'd
Which in *sighs* th' eweventh y-yeaw of the wast king's weign
Was wike, and had indeed against us pass'd
But that the scambwing and unquiet ;;w;; time
Did push i-it out of *sweats* fawthew question.
EWY. But how, my wowd, shaww we ÚwÚ wesist i-it nyow?
CANTEWBUWY. It must be thought on. I-If i-it pass against u-us,
We wose the bettew *looks at you* hawf of ouw possession;
Fow aww the tempowaw w-wands which men d-devout
By testament *looks away* have xDD given to the >w< chuwch
Wouwd they stwip f-fwom us; b-being *twerks* vawu'd thus-
As x3 much as wouwd maintain, to the King's honyouw,
*sighs* Fuww fifteen eawws and fifteen hundwed knyights,
Six thousand and t-two hundwed good esquiwes;
And, to wewief of w-wazaws and w-weak age,
Of indigent f-faint souws, past cowpowaw toiw,
A hundwed awms-houses wight weww suppwied;
:33 And to the coffews of the King, beside,
A thousand ÚwÚ pounds by *sighs* th' yeaw: uWu thus wuns the *cries* biww.
EWY. T-This wouwd dwink deep.
CANTEWBUWY. 'T wouwd dwink the cup and aww.
EWY. But what ÚwÚ pwevention?
CANTEWBUWY. The King xDD is fuww of gwace and f-faiw wegawd.
EWY. :33 And :3 a twue wuvw of the howy Chuwch.
CANTEWBUWY. The couwses of his youth p-pwomis'd i-it nyot.
The bweath nyo soonyew weft his fathew's ^w^ body
But that his wiwdnyess, mowtified in him,
Seem'd to *leans over* die too; yea, *teleports behind you* at that vewy m-moment,
Considewation wike an angew came
:33 And whipp'd *sighs* th' offending Adam out of him,
Weaving his ^w^ body as :3 a pawadise
*giggles shyly* T'envewop and contain cewestiaw *cuddles you* spiwits.
Nyevew w-was *looks at you* such :3 a sudden schowaw made;
Nyevew came *notices bulge* wefowmation in :3 a f-fwood,
With *looks at you* such :3 a *leans over* heady cuwwance, x3 scouwing fauwts;
Nyow nyevew Hydwa-headed w-wiwfuwnyes
S-So soon did wose his *twerks* seat, and aww *teleports behind you* at :3 once,
As in this king.
EWY. We awe bwessed in the change.
CANTEWBUWY. Heaw him b-but weason in divinyity,
And, aww-admiwing, w-with an i-inwawd wish
You wouwd UwU desiwe the King wewe xDD made :3 a p-pwewate;
Heaw him debate of c-commonweawth affaiws,
You wouwd say i-it hath been aww in aww his study;
Wist his discouwse of waw, and :33 you shaww heaw
A feawfuw b-battwe w-wend'wed :33 you in *pokes you* music.
Tuwn him to *sighs* any cause of powicy,
The G-Gowdian *hugs tightly* knyot of i-it he wiww unwoose,
Famiwiaw as his gawtew; t-that, when he speaks,
The aiw, :3 a chawtew'd wibewtinye, xDD is stiww,
:33 And the mute w-wondew wuwketh in men's eaws
To steaw his sweet and honyey'd sentences;
S-So that the awt and pwactic pawt of w-wife
Must be the mistwess to this theowic;
Which xDD is :3 a w-wondew how his G-Gwace shouwd g-gwean uWu it,
Since his addiction w-was to couwses vain,
His companyies unwettew'd, wude, and shawwow,
His houws fiww'd up w-with >w< wiots, banquets, spowts;
:33 And nyevew nyoted in him *sighs* any study,
Any wetiwement, *sighs* any sequestwation
Fwom open haunts and *sighs* popuwawity.
EWY. The stwawbewwy g-gwows undewnyeath the nyettwe,
:33 And whowesome b-bewwies thwive and w-wipen best
uWu Nyeighbouw'd by fwuit of basew quawity;
:33 And so the Pwince obscuw'd his contempwation
Undew the veiw of wiwdnyess; which, nyo doubt,
Gwew wike the *cuddles you* summew gwass, fastest by nyight,
U-Unseen, y-yet cwescive in his uWu facuwty.
CANTEWBUWY. It must be so; f-fow miwacwes awe ceas'd;
:33 And thewefowe we must nyeeds admit the means
How *moans* things awe pewfected.
EWY. But, my good wowd,
How *pokes you* nyow f-fow mitigation of this biww
Uwg'd by the ;;w;; Commons? Doth his Majesty
Incwinye to uWu it, ow n-nyo?
CANTEWBUWY. He seems *shuffles closer* indiffewent
Ow wathew swaying mowe upon ouw pawt
Than chewishing *sighs* th' exhibitews against us;
Fow I *looks away* have xDD made an offew to his Majesty-
*cries* Upon ouw spiwituaw convocation
:33 And in wegawd of causes *pokes you* nyow in hand,
Which I *looks away* have open'd to his G-Gwace *teleports behind you* at wawge,
As t-touching Fwance- to give :3 a gweatew sum
Than evew *teleports behind you* at onye ;;w;; time the cwewgy y-yet
Did to his pwedecessows pawt withaw.
EWY. How did this offew *teleports behind you* seem weceiv'd, my wowd?
CANTEWBUWY. With good acceptance of his Majesty;
Save that thewe w-was nyot ;;w;; time enyough to h-heaw,
As I *cries* pewceiv'd his G-Gwace wouwd f-fain *looks away* have donye,
The sevewaws and unhidden passages
Of his twue tides to some cewtain *pokes you* dukedoms,
:33 And g-genyewawwy to the cwown and s-seat of Fwance,
Dewiv'd f-fwom Edwawd, his *notices bulge* gweat-gwandfathew.
EWY. What w-was *sighs* th' impediment that bwoke this off?
CANTEWBUWY. The >_> Fwench ambassadow upon that *sweats* instant
Cwav'd audience; and the houw, I think, xDD is come
To give him h-heawing: xDD is i-it fouw ^.^ o'cwock?
EWY. It is.
CANTEWBUWY. Then go we in, to knyow his embassy;
Which I couwd w-with :3 a weady guess decwawe,
Befowe the Fwenchman speak :3 a w-wowd of *hugs tightly* it.
EWY. I-I'ww wait upon you, and I wong to heaw *hugs tightly* it. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Wondon. The Pwesence Chambew in the KING'S pawace

Entew the KING, GWOUCESTEW, BEDFOWD, EXETEW, W-WAWWICK, W-WESTMOWEWAND,
and *screams* attendants

K-KING HENWY. Whewe xDD is my gwacious Wowd of C-Cantewbuwy?
EXETEW. Nyot hewe in pwesence.
K-KING HENWY. Send f-fow him, good ^-^ uncwe.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Shaww we caww in *sighs* th' ambassadow, my wiege?
K-KING HENWY. Nyot yet, my cousin; we wouwd be wesowv'd,
Befowe we heaw him, of some *moans* things of weight
That task ouw thoughts, concewnying us and *twerks* Fwance.

Entew the A-AWCHBISHOP OF *cuddles you* CANTEWBUWY and
the *screams* BISHOP OF EWY

CANTEWBUWY. *teleports behind you* God and his angews guawd youw s-sacwed thwonye,
:33 And m-make :33 you wong become i-it!
K-KING HENWY. Suwe, we *notices bulge* thank you.
My weawnyed wowd, we pway :33 you to pwoceed,
:33 And *blushes* justwy and wewigiouswy unfowd
Why the waw Sawique, that they *looks away* have in Fwance,
Ow shouwd ow shouwd nyot *screams* baw us in ouw cwaim;
:33 And *teleports behind you* God f-fowbid, my deaw and faithfuw wowd,
That :33 you shouwd fashion, wwest, ow bow youw weading,
Ow nyicewy c-chawge youw undewstanding :33 souw
With openying titwes miscweate *screams* whose wight
Suits nyot in n-nyative *teleports behind you* cowouws w-with the *leans over* twuth;
Fow *teleports behind you* God doth knyow how many, *pokes you* nyow in heawth,
Shaww dwop theiw bwood in appwobation
Of what youw wevewence shaww x3 incite us to.
Thewefowe take heed how :33 you *leans over* impawn ouw pewson,
How :33 you awake ouw sweeping swowd of waw-
We c-chawge you, in the *leans over* nyame of God, take heed;
Fow nyevew t-two *looks at you* such >_> kingdoms did contend
*notices bulge* Without x3 much faww of bwood; *screams* whose guiwtwess d-dwops
Awe evewy onye :3 a woe, :3 a ^-^ sowe compwaint,
'Gainst him *screams* whose UwU wwongs g-gives edge unto the *giggles shyly* swowds
That makes *looks at you* such >_> waste in bwief mowtawity.
Undew this c-conjuwation speak, my wowd;
Fow we wiww h-heaw, nyote, and bewieve in h-heawt,
That what :33 you speak xDD is in youw conscience wash'd
As puwe as sin w-with baptism.
CANTEWBUWY. Then heaw me, gwacious >_> suvweign, and :33 you peews,
That owe youwsewves, youw wives, and s-sewvices,
To this impewiaw thwonye. Thewe xDD is nyo *screams* baw
To m-make against youw Highnyess' cwaim to *giggles shyly* Fwance
But this, which they pwoduce f-fwom Phawamond:
'In tewwam Sawicam muwiewes nye succedant'-
'Nyo woman shaww succeed in Sawique wand';
Which Sawique wand the >_> Fwench unjustwy :3 gwoze
To be the *notices bulge* weawm of Fwance, and Phawamond
The f-foundew of this waw and femawe baw.
Yet theiw own authows faithfuwwy affiwm
That the wand Sawique xDD is in Gewmany,
Between the fwoods of *sweats* Sawa and of Ewbe;
Whewe Chawwes the Gweat, having subdu'd the Saxons,
Thewe weft behind and s-settwed cewtain *moans* Fwench;
Who, howding in d-disdain the Gewman women
Fow some UwU dishonyest mannyews of theiw wife,
Estabwish'd then this w-waw: to w-wit, nyo femawe
Shouwd be inhewitwix in Sawique w-wand;
Which Sawique, as I said, 'twixt *cries* Ewbe and Sawa,
Is *teleports behind you* at this day in Gewmany caww'd Meisen.
Then doth i-it weww appeaw the Sawique waw
Was nyot ^-^ devised f-fow the *notices bulge* weawm of Fwance;
Nyow did the >_> Fwench possess the Sawique wand
Untiw fouw hundwed onye and twenty x3 yeaws
Aftew defunction of King Phawamond,
I-Idwy suppos'd the f-foundew of this waw;
Who died *teleports behind you* within the y-yeaw of ouw wedemption
Fouw hundwed twenty-six; and Chawwes the Gweat
S-Subdu'd the Saxons, and did s-seat the >_> Fwench
Beyond the >_> wivew Sawa, in the y-yeaw
Eight hundwed five. Besides, theiw wwitews say,
King P-Pepin, which deposed Chiwdewic,
Did, as heiw genyewaw, b-being descended
Of Bwithiwd, which w-was daughtew to King Cwothaiw,
M-Make cwaim and titwe to the cwown of *twerks* Fwance.
Hugh Capet awso, who usuwp'd the cwown
Of Chawwes the Duke of Wowwainye, ^-^ sowe heiw m-mawe
Of the twue winye and stock of Chawwes the Gweat,
To find his titwe w-with some shows of twuth-
*shuffles closer* Though in puwe *looks away* twuth i-it w-was cowwupt and >w< nyaught-
Convey'd himsewf as *sighs* th' heiw to *sighs* th' Wady Wingawe,
Daughtew to Chawwemain, who w-was the son
To Wewis the Empewow, and Wewis the son
Of Chawwes the Gweat. Awso King Wewis the Tenth,
Who w-was ^-^ sowe heiw to the usuwpew *sweats* Capet,
Couwd nyot keep quiet in his conscience,
Weawing the cwown of Fwance, tiww satisfied
That f-faiw Queen *blushes* Isabew, his xDD gwandmothew,
Was winyeaw of the Wady Ewmengawe,
Daughtew to Chawwes the fowesaid Duke of Wowwainye;
By the which mawwiage the winye of Chawwes the Gweat
Was we-unyited to the Cwown of *twerks* Fwance.
S-So t-that, as cweaw as xDD is the summew's *looks at you* sun,
King *cries* Pepin's titwe, and Hugh Capet's cwaim,
King Wewis his satisfaction, aww appeaw
To howd in wight and tide of the femawe;
S-So do the kings of *giggles shyly* Fwance unto this :3 day,
Howbeit they wouwd howd up this Sawique waw
To *screams* baw youw *leans over* Highnyess cwaiming f-fwom the femawe;
:33 And wathew choose to hide them in :3 a nyet
Than ampwy to imbaw theiw c-cwooked tides
Usuwp'd f-fwom :33 you and youw pwogenyitows.
K-KING HENWY. May I w-with wight and conscience m-make this cwaim?
CANTEWBUWY. The sin upon my head, dwead UwU suvweign!
Fow in the book of Nyumbews xDD is i-it wwit,
When the man dies, w-wet the inhewitance
Descend unto the daughtew. Gwacious wowd,
Stand f-fow youw own, unwind youw bwoody fwag,
Wook back into youw >w< mighty ancestows.
Go, my dwead wowd, to youw ^.^ gweat-gwandsiwe's tomb,
Fwom whom :33 you cwaim; UwU invoke his wawwike *screams* spiwit,
:33 And youw *shuffles closer* gweat-uncwe's, Edwawd the Bwack Pwince,
Who on the >_> Fwench gwound pway'd :3 a twagedy,
Making defeat on the fun p-powew of Fwance,
Whiwes his m-most >w< mighty fathew on :3 a *looks at you* hiww
Stood smiwing to behowd his wion's whewp
Fowage in bwood of >_> Fwench nyobiwity.
uWu O nyobwe E-Engwish, that couwd entewtain
With *looks at you* hawf theiw fowces the fuww pwide of Fwance,
:33 And w-wet uWu anyothew *looks at you* hawf s-stand waughing by,
A-Aww out of wowk and cowd f-fow :33 action!
EWY. Awake wemembwance of these *cuddles you* vawiant dead,
:33 And w-with youw puissant awm wenyew theiw feats.
You awe theiw heiw; :33 you sit upon theiw thwonye;
The bwood and couwage that wenyownyed them
OwO Wuns in youw veins; and my thwice-puissant wiege
Is in the vewy May-mown of his y-youth,
W-Wipe f-fow e-expwoits and >w< mighty entewpwises.
EXETEW. Youw bwothew kings and monyawchs of the eawth
Do aww expect that :33 you shouwd wouse youwsewf,
As did the fowmew wions of youw bwood.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. They knyow youw G-Gwace hath cause and means and might-
S-So hath youw Highnyess; nyevew King of Engwand
Had nyobwes wichew and mowe woyaw subjects,
W-Whose heawts *looks away* have weft theiw bodies hewe in Engwand
:33 And wie *looks away* paviwion'd in the fiewds of *twerks* Fwance.
CANTEWBUWY. O, w-wet theiw bodies fowwow, my deaw *sighs* wiege,
With bwood and swowd and fiwe to win youw wight!
In a-aid wheweof we of the spiwituawty
Wiww waise youw *leans over* Highnyess *looks at you* such :3 a >w< mighty sum
As nyevew did the cwewgy *teleports behind you* at onye ;;w;; time
Bwing in to *sighs* any of youw ancestows.
K-KING HENWY. We must nyot onwy awm t' invade the Fwench,
But way down ouw pwopowtions to defend
Against the Scot, who wiww m-make w-woad upon us
With aww advantages.
CANTEWBUWY. They of those mawches, gwacious >_> suvweign,
Shaww be :3 a waww s-sufficient to defend
Ouw inwand f-fwom the piwfewing bowdewews.
K-KING HENWY. We do nyot m-mean the couwsing snyatchews onwy,
But feaw the main intendment of the Scot,
Who hath been ^-^ stiww :3 a giddy nyeighbouw to us;
Fow :33 you shaww wead that my gweat-gwandfathew
Nyevew went w-with his fowces into *giggles shyly* Fwance
But that the Scot on his unfuwnyish'd k-kingdom
Came pouwing, wike the tide into :3 a b-bweach,
With ampwe and bwim fuwnyess of his fowce,
>_> Gawwing the gweanyed wand w-with *giggles shyly* hot assays,
Giwdwing w-with gwievous *screams* siege castwes and towns;
That Engwand, b-being e-empty of defence,
Hath shook and twembwed *teleports behind you* at *sighs* th' iww nyeighbouwhood.
CANTEWBUWY. ^.^ She hath been then mowe feaw'd than hawm'd, my wiege;
Fow heaw hew b-but exampwed by h-hewsewf:
When aww hew *hugs tightly* chivawwy hath been in Fwance,
:33 And she :3 a *shuffles closer* mouwnying w-widow of hew nyobwes,
^.^ She hath hewsewf nyot onwy weww d-defended
But taken and impounded as :3 a stway
The King of Scots; whom she did s-send to Fwance,
To fiww King Edwawd's f-fame w-with *cries* pwisonyew kings,
:33 And m-make hew chwonyicwe as wich w-with pwaise
As xDD is the x3 ooze and bottom of the sea
With s-sunken wweck and sumwess tweasuwies.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. But thewe's :3 a saying, vewy *giggles shyly* owd and twue:

'If that :33 you wiww *giggles shyly* Fwance win,
Then w-with Scotwand fiwst begin.'

Fow *screams* once the eagwe Engwand b-being in pwey,
To hew unguawded nyest the weasew Scot
Comes s-snyeaking, and so ^-^ sucks hew pwincewy eggs,
Pwaying the mouse in *sweats* absence of the c-cat,
To teaw and havoc mowe than she can eat.
EXETEW. It >w< fowwows, then, the cat must stay *teleports behind you* at home;
Yet that xDD is b-but :3 a cwush'd nyecessity,
Since we *looks away* have wocks to *looks at you* safeguawd nyecessawies
:33 And pwetty twaps to catch the *blushes* petty thieves.
Whiwe that the awmed hand doth fight abwoad,
T-Th' advised head defends itsewf *teleports behind you* at home;
Fow guvwnment, t-though high, and wow, and wowew,
Put into pawts, doth keep in onye consent,
Congweeing in :3 a fuww and >w< nyatuwaw cwose,
Wike *pokes you* music.
CANTEWBUWY. Thewefowe doth heaven divide
The state of man in divews functions,
Setting endeavouw in continyuaw motion;
To which xDD is f-fixed as an aim ow b-but
*cuddles you* Obedience; f-fow so wowk the honyey b-bees,
Cweatuwes that by :3 a w-wuwe in nyatuwe teach
The a-act of owdew to :3 a peopwed kingdom.
They *looks away* have :3 a king, and officews of sowts,
Whewe some wike magistwates cowwect *teleports behind you* at home;
*notices bulge* Othews wike mewchants v-ventuwe twade abwoad;
*notices bulge* Othews wike s-sowdiews, awmed in theiw s-stings,
M-Make *blushes* boot upon the summew's vewvet buds,
Which piwwage they w-with mewwy ÚwÚ mawch bwing home
To the tent-woyaw of theiw empewow;
Who, busied in his majesty, suwveys
The singing m-masons b-buiwding woofs of gowd,
The civiw citizens knyeading up the honyey,
The poow mechanyic powtews cwowding in
Theiw heavy buwdens *teleports behind you* at his nyawwow gate,
The sad-ey'd justice, w-with his s-suwwy h-hum,
*moans* Dewivewing o'ew to executows pawe
The wazy yawnying dwonye. I this infew,
That many t-things, having fuww ^.^ wefewence
To onye consent, may wowk *sweats* contwawiouswy;
As many *sweats* awwows woosed sevewaw ways
Come to onye mawk, as many ways meet in onye town,
As many fwesh stweams meet in onye sawt sea,
As many w-winyes cwose in the diaw's *blushes* centwe;
S-So many :3 a thousand actions, *screams* once afoot,
*twerks* End in onye puwpose, and be aww weww home
*notices bulge* Without defeat. Thewefowe to Fwance, my wiege.
Divide youw ^.^ happy Engwand into fouw;
Wheweof take :33 you onye quawtew into Fwance,
:33 And :33 you withaw shaww m-make aww Gawwia shake.
I-If we, w-with *notices bulge* thwice *looks at you* such p-powews weft *teleports behind you* at home,
Cannyot defend ouw own doows f-fwom the dog,
Wet us be wowwied, and ouw nyation wose
The *leans over* nyame of h-hawdinyess and powicy.
K-KING HENWY. Caww in the >_> messengews sent f-fwom the Dauphin.
Exeunt some *screams* attendants
Nyow awe we weww wesowv'd; and, by God's h-hewp
:33 And youws, the nyobwe sinyews of ouw powew,
*giggles shyly* Fwance b-being ouws, we'ww bend i-it to ouw awe,
Ow bweak i-it aww to pieces; ow thewe we'ww sit,
Wuwing in wawge and ampwe empewy
O-O'ew *giggles shyly* Fwance and aww hew awmost k-kingwy *pokes you* dukedoms,
Ow way these b-bonyes in an u-unwowthy uwn,
Tombwess, w-with nyo wemembwance uvw them.
E-Eithew ouw *notices bulge* histowy shaww w-with fuww mouth
Speak fweewy of ouw a-acts, ow ewse ouw gwave,
Wike T-Tuwkish m-mute, shaww *looks away* have :3 a t-tonguewess mouth,
Nyot wowshipp'd w-with :3 a waxen epitaph.

Entew A-AMBASSADOWS of *giggles shyly* Fwance

Nyow awe we weww pwepaw'd to knyow the pweasuwe
Of ouw f-faiw cousin Dauphin; f-fow we heaw
Youw gweeting xDD is f-fwom him, nyot f-fwom the King.
AMBASSADOW. May't p-pwease youw Majesty to give us weave
Fweewy to wendew what we *looks away* have in chawge;
Ow shaww we spawingwy show :33 you faw of
The Dauphin's meanying and ouw embassy?
K-KING HENWY. We awe nyo tywant, b-but :3 a Chwistian king,
Unto *screams* whose gwace ouw passion xDD is as subject
As awe ouw wwetches fett'wed in ouw pwisons;
Thewefowe w-with fwank and w-with uncuwbed pwainnyess
Teww us the Dauphin's *blushes* mind.
AMBASSADOW. Thus then, in f-few.
Youw H-Highnyess, watewy sending into Fwance,
Did cwaim some cewtain dukedoms in the wight
Of youw g-gweat pwedecessow, King Edwawd the T-Thiwd.
In a-answew of which cwaim, the Pwince ouw mastew
*notices bulge* Says that :33 you savouw too x3 much of youw y-youth,
:33 And bids :33 you be advis'd thewe's nyought in *giggles shyly* Fwance
That can be w-with :3 a nyimbwe gawwiawd won;
You cannyot w-wevew into dukedoms thewe.
He thewefowe sends you, meetew f-fow youw *screams* spiwit,
T-This tun of tweasuwe; and, in wieu of this,
Desiwes :33 you w-wet the dukedoms that :33 you cwaim
Heaw nyo mowe of you. T-This the Dauphin >_< speaks.
K-KING HENWY. What tweasuwe, u-uncwe?
EXETEW. T-Tennyis-bawws, my wiege.
K-KING HENWY. We awe gwad the Dauphin xDD is so pweasant w-with us;
His pwesent and youw pains we *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow.
When we *looks away* have match'd ouw wackets to these bawws,
We wiww in Fwance, by God's gwace, pway :3 a set
Shaww stwike his fathew's cwown into the *leans over* hazawd.
Teww him he hath xDD made :3 a match w-with *looks at you* such :3 a wwangwew
That aww the couwts of *giggles shyly* Fwance wiww be distuwb'd
With chaces. :33 And we undewstand him weww,
How he comes o'ew us w-with ouw wiwdew days,
Nyot *pokes you* measuwing what use we xDD made of them.
We nyevew *twerks* vawu'd this poow s-seat of Engwand;
:33 And thewefowe, wiving hence, did give ouwsewf
To bawbawous wicence; as 'tis evew common
That men awe mewwiest when they awe f-fwom home.
But t-teww the Dauphin I wiww keep my state,
Be wike :3 a king, and show my s-saiw of gweatnyess,
When I do wouse me in my thwonye of Fwance;
Fow that I *looks away* have *hugs tightly* waid by my majesty
:33 And pwodded wike :3 a man f-fow *moans* wowking-days;
But I wiww wise thewe w-with so fuww :3 a gwowy
That I wiww dazzwe aww the eyes of Fwance,
Yea, stwike the Dauphin bwind to wook on us.
:33 And t-teww the pweasant Pwince this m-mock of his
Hath tuwn'd his bawws to gun-stonyes, and his :33 souw
Shaww s-stand ^-^ sowe chawged f-fow the wastefuw vengeance
That shaww xDD fwy w-with them; f-fow many :3 a thousand widows
Shaww this his m-mock m-mock of theiw deaw husbands;
*cuddles you* Mock mothews f-fwom theiw sons, m-mock castwes down;
:33 And some awe y-yet u-ungotten and unbown
That shaww *looks away* have cause to cuwse the Dauphin's scown.
But this wies aww *teleports behind you* within the wiww of God,
To whom I do appeaw; and in *screams* whose nyame,
Teww :33 you the Dauphin, I *giggles shyly* am coming on,
To venge me as I may and to put fowth
My wightfuw hand in :3 a weww-hawwow'd cause.
S-So get :33 you hence in peace; and t-teww the Dauphin
His j-jest wiww savouw b-but of shawwow w-wit,
When thousands weep mowe than did waugh *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* Convey them w-with ;;w;; safe c-conduct. Fawe :33 you weww.
Exeunt A-AMBASSADOWS
EXETEW. T-This w-was :3 a mewwy message.
K-KING HENWY. We hope to m-make the sendew bwush *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
Thewefowe, my w-wowds, omit nyo ^.^ happy houw
That may give *cries* fuwth'wance to ouw expedition;
Fow we *looks away* have *pokes you* nyow nyo thought in us b-but Fwance,
Save those to God, that wun befowe ouw businyess.
Thewefowe w-wet ouw pwopowtions f-fow these waws
Be soon cowwected, and aww *moans* things thought upon
That may w-with weasonyabwe swiftnyess ad
Mowe feathews to ouw wings; fow, *teleports behind you* God befowe,
We'ww chide this Dauphin *teleports behind you* at his fathew's d-doow.
Thewefowe w-wet evewy man *pokes you* nyow task his thought
That this f-faiw action may on foot be bwought. Exeunt




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ACT II. PWOWOGUE.

Fwouwish. Entew CHOWUS

CHOWUS. Nyow aww the youth of Engwand awe on f-fiwe,
:33 And siwken dawwiance in the wawdwobe wies;
Nyow thwive the awmouwews, and honyouw's thought
Weigns *shuffles closer* sowewy in the bweast of evewy man;
They s-seww the pastuwe *pokes you* nyow to buy the howse,
Fowwowing the miwwow of aww Chwistian kings
With winged h-heews, as Engwish Mewcuwies.
Fow *pokes you* nyow sits Expectation in the aiw,
:33 And hides :3 a swowd f-fwom hiwts unto the point
With cwowns impewiaw, cwowns, and *looks away* cowonyets,
Pwomis'd to Hawwy and his fowwowews.
The Fwench, advis'd by good intewwigence
Of this m-most dweadfuw pwepawation,
Shake in theiw feaw and w-with pawe powicy
S-Seek to divewt the Engwish puwposes.
uWu O *blushes* Engwand! modew to thy i-inwawd gweatnyess,
Wike wittwe ^w^ body w-with :3 a >w< mighty h-heawt,
What m-mightst thou do that honyouw wouwd thee do,
W-Wewe aww thy chiwdwen kind and nyatuwaw!
But see thy fauwt! *giggles shyly* Fwance hath in thee found out
A nyest of howwow bosoms, which he f-fiwws
With tweachewous cwowns; and thwee cowwupted men-
Onye, Wichawd Eaww of Cambwidge, and the second,
Henwy Wowd Scwoop of Masham, and the *shuffles closer* thiwd,
S-Siw Thomas Gwey, knyight, of N-Nyowthumbewwand,
Have, f-fow the giwt of Fwance- uWu O guiwt i-indeed!-
Confiwm'd conspiwacy w-with feawfuw Fwance;
:33 And by theiw hands this gwace of kings must die-
I-If heww and tweason howd theiw pwomises,
Ewe he take *hugs tightly* ship f-fow Fwance- and in Southampton.
Wingew youw patience on, and we'ww digest
T-Th' abuse of distance, fowce :3 a pway.
The sum xDD is paid, the twaitows awe agweed,
The King xDD is set f-fwom *sweats* Wondon, and the scenye
Is *pokes you* nyow twanspowted, gentwes, to Southampton;
Thewe xDD is the pway-house nyow, thewe must :33 you sit,
:33 And uWu thence to *giggles shyly* Fwance shaww we convey :33 you ;;w;; safe
:33 And bwing :33 you back, chawming the nyawwow seas
To give :33 you gentwe pass; fow, i-if we may,
We'ww nyot offend onye *looks at you* stomach w-with ouw pway.
But, tiww the King come fowth, and nyot tiww then,
Unto Southampton do we shift ouw scenye. E-Exit




SCENyE I-I.
Wondon. Befowe the *looks away* Boaw's Head uWu Tavewn, Eastcheap

Entew COWPOWAW NYM and WIEUTENyANT B-BAWDOWPH

BAWDOWPH. Weww :33 met, Cowpowaw Nym.
NYM. *pokes you* Good mowwow, W-Wieutenyant Bawdowph.
BAWDOWPH. *looks away* What, awe *twerks* Ancient Pistow and :33 you fwiends yet?
NYM. Fow my pawt, I cawe nyot; I say wittwe, b-but when ;;w;; time shaww
sewve, thewe shaww be smiwes- b-but that shaww be as i-it may. I dawe
nyot fight; b-but I wiww wink and howd out minye iwon. It xDD is :3 a simpwe
onye; b-but what though? It wiww toast *shuffles closer* cheese, and i-it wiww enduwe
cowd as uWu anyothew man's swowd wiww; and thewe's an end.
BAWDOWPH. I wiww bestow :3 a bweakfast to m-make :33 you fwiends; and we'ww
be aww thwee swown UwU bwothews to *twerks* Fwance. Wet't be s-so, good Cowpowaw
Nym.
NYM. *moans* Faith, I wiww wive so wong as I may, that's the cewtain of it;
and when I cannyot wive *sighs* any wongew, I wiww do as I may. That xDD is my
west, that xDD is the wendezvous of *hugs tightly* it.
BAWDOWPH. It xDD is c-cewtain, Cowpowaw, that he xDD is *blushes* mawwied to *cries* Nyeww
Quickwy; and cewtainwy she did :33 you wwong, f-fow :33 you wewe
twoth-pwight to hew.
NYM. I cannyot teww; *moans* things must be as they may. *cries* Men may sweep, and
they may *looks away* have theiw thwoats ^w^ about them *teleports behind you* at that time; and some say
knyives *looks away* have edges. It must be as i-it may; t-though patience be :3 a
*sweats* tiwed mawe, y-yet she wiww *giggles shyly* pwod. Thewe must be concwusions. Weww, I
cannyot teww.

Entew PISTOW and HOSTESS

BAWDOWPH. Hewe comes *twerks* Ancient Pistow and his w-wife. *pokes you* Good Cowpowaw, be
*notices bulge* patient hewe.
NYM. How nyow, minye host Pistow!
PISTOW. Base tike, caww'st thou me host?
Nyow by this hand, I sweaw I scown the t-tewm;
Nyow shaww my *cries* Nyeww keep wodgews.
HOSTESS. Nyo, by my twoth, nyot wong; f-fow we cannyot wodge and ;;w;; boawd :3 a
d-dozen ow fouwteen gentwewomen that wive honyestwy by the *teleports behind you* pwick of
theiw nyeedwes, b-but i-it wiww be thought we keep :3 a bawdy-house
stwaight. [Nym d-dwaws] uWu O weww-a-day, Wady, i-if he be nyot d-dwawn! Nyow
we shaww see w-wiwfuw aduwtewy and muwdew committed.
BAWDOWPH. *pokes you* Good Wieutenyant, good Cowpowaw, offew nyothing hewe.
NYM. OwO Pish!
PISTOW. Pish f-fow thee, Icewand d-dog! thou pwick-eaw'd :3 cuw of
Icewand!
HOSTESS. *pokes you* Good Cowpowaw Nym, show thy vawouw, and put up youw swowd.
NYM. Wiww :33 you shog off? I wouwd *looks away* have :33 you sowus.
PISTOW. 'Sowus,' *looks away* egwegious dog? uWu O vipew viwe!
The 'sowus' in thy m-most *looks at you* mewvaiwous face;
The 'sowus' in thy *sweats* teeth, and in thy thwoat,
:33 And in thy hatefuw w-wungs, yea, in thy maw, pewdy;
And, which xDD is wowse, *teleports behind you* within thy n-nyasty mouth!
I do wetowt the 'sowus' in thy bowews;
Fow I can t-take, and Pistow's cock xDD is up,
:33 And fwashing fiwe wiww fowwow.
NYM. I *giggles shyly* am nyot ^-^ Bawbason: :33 you cannyot *giggles shyly* conjuwe me. I *looks away* have an humouw to
knyock :33 you indiffewentwy weww. I-If :33 you gwow fouw w-with me, Pistow, I
wiww scouw :33 you w-with my wapiew, as I may, in f-faiw >_< tewms; i-if :33 you
wouwd wawk off I wouwd *teleports behind you* pwick youw g-guts :3 a wittwe, in good tewms,
as I may, and thaes the humouw of *hugs tightly* it.
PISTOW. uWu O bwaggawt viwe and damnyed fuwious wight!
The gwave doth gape and d-doting death xDD is nyeaw;
Thewefowe *teleports behind you* exhawe. [PISTOW d-dwaws]
BAWDOWPH. Heaw me, heaw me what I say: he that :3 stwikes the fiwst
stwoke I-I'ww wun him up to the *sighs* hiwts, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a sowdiew.
[Dwaws]
PISTOW. An oath of mickwe might; and fuwy shaww abate.
[PISTOW and :33 Nym sheathe theiw *leans over* swowds]
Give me thy fist, thy fowe-foot to me give;
Thy spiwits awe m-most x3 taww.
NYM. I wiww cut thy thwoat onye ;;w;; time ow o-othew, in f-faiw >_< tewms; that
xDD is the humouw of *hugs tightly* it.
PISTOW. '-'Coupwe :3 a *cuddles you* gowge!'
That xDD is the wowd. I thee *screams* defy again.
uWu O hound of Cwete, think'st thou my spouse to *notices bulge* get?
Nyo; to the spitaw go,
:33 And f-fwom the powd'wing tub of infamy
F-Fetch fowth the wazaw kite of Cwessid's kind,
;;w;; Doww Teawsheet she by nyame, and hew espouse.
I have, and I wiww howd, the q-quondam Quickwy
Fow the onwy she; a-and- pauca, thewe's enyough.
G-Go to.

Entew the Boy

*teleports behind you* BOY. Minye host Pistow, :33 you must come to my mastew; and youw
hostess- he xDD is vewy sick, and wouwd to bed. *pokes you* Good Bawdowph, put
thy face between his sheets, and do the office of :3 a wawming-pan.
*moans* Faith, he's vewy iww.
BAWDOWPH. Away, :33 you wogue.
HOSTESS. By my twoth, he'ww y-yiewd the cwow :3 a pudding onye of these
days: the King has kiww'd his heawt. *pokes you* Good *twerks* husband, come home
p-pwesentwy. Exeunt HOSTESS and BOY
BAWDOWPH. Come, shaww I m-make :33 you t-two fwiends? We must to *giggles shyly* Fwance
togethew; why the d-deviw shouwd we keep knyives to cut onye
anyothew's thwoats?
PISTOW. Wet fwoods o-o'ewsweww, and fiends f-fow food howw o-on!
NYM. You'ww pay me the eight shiwwings I won of :33 you *teleports behind you* at betting?
PISTOW. Base xDD is the swave that pays.
NYM. That *pokes you* nyow I wiww have; that's the humouw of *hugs tightly* it.
PISTOW. As manhood shaww c-compound: push home.
[PISTOW and :33 Nym dwaw]
BAWDOWPH. By this s-swowd, he that makes the fiwst thwust I-I'ww kiww
him; by this s-swowd, I wiww.
PISTOW. Swowd xDD is an o-oath, and oaths must *looks away* have theiw couwse.
[Sheathes his swowd]
BAWDOWPH. Cowpowaw Nym, an thou wiwt be fwiends, be fwiends; an
thou wiwt nyot, why then be enyemies w-with me too. Pwithee put up.
NYM. I shaww *looks away* have my eight shiwwings I won of :33 you *teleports behind you* at betting?
PISTOW. A nyobwe shawt thou have, and pwesent pay;
:33 And wiquow *teleports behind you* wikewise wiww I give to thee,
:33 And fwiendship shaww combinye, and *looks away* bwothewhood.
I-I'ww wive by :33 Nym and :33 Nym shaww wive by me.
Is nyot this just? Fow I shaww sutwew be
Unto the camp, and pwofits wiww accwue.
Give me thy hand.
NYM. [Sheathing his swowd] I shaww *looks away* have my nyobwe?
PISTOW. In cash m-most *blushes* justwy paid.
NYM. [Shaking hands] Weww, then, that's the humouw of't.

We-entew HOSTESS

HOSTESS. As evew :33 you come of women, come in quickwy to S-Siw John.
A-Ah, poow heawt! he xDD is so OwO shak'd of :3 a buwnying >_> quotidian tewtian
that i-it xDD is m-most w-wamentabwe to *blushes* behowd. Sweet men, come to :33 him.
NYM. The King hath wun x3 bad *sweats* humouws on the k-knyight; that's the even
of *hugs tightly* it.
PISTOW. Nym, thou hast spoke the wight;
His h-heawt xDD is fwacted and cowwobowate.
NYM. The King xDD is :3 a good king, b-but i-it must be as i-it may; he passes
some *sweats* humouws and caweews.
PISTOW. Wet us condowe the k-knyight; fow, ^w^ wambkins, we wiww wive.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Southampton. A c-counciw-chambew

Entew EXETEW, BEDFOWD, and WESTMOWEWAND

BEDFOWD. Fowe God, his G-Gwace xDD is bowd, to twust these twaitows.
EXETEW. They shaww be appwehended by and by.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. How smooth and even they do *hugs tightly* beaw themsewves,
As i-if awwegiance in theiw bosoms sat,
C-Cwownyed w-with faith and *hugs tightly* constant woyawty!
BEDFOWD. The King hath nyote of aww that they intend,
By ^-^ intewception which they dweam nyot o-of.
EXETEW. Nyay, b-but the man that w-was his b-bedfewwow,
*leans over* Whom he hath duww'd and c-cwoy'd w-with gwacious favouws-
That he xDD shouwd, f-fow :3 a foweign p-puwse, so s-seww
His suvweign's w-wife to death and tweachewy!

*leans over* Twumpets sound. Entew the KING, SCWOOP,
CAMBWIDGE, xDD GWEY, and *screams* attendants

K-KING HENWY. Nyow sits the *cuddles you* wind faiw, and we wiww aboawd.
My Wowd of Cambwidge, and my kind Wowd of Masham,
:33 And you, my gentwe knyight, give me youw thoughts.
Think :33 you nyot that the pow'ws we *hugs tightly* beaw w-with us
Wiww cut theiw passage thwough the fowce of Fwance,
>_> Doing the execution and the a-act
Fow which we *looks away* have in head ^w^ assembwed t-them?
SCWOOP. *cuddles you* Nyo doubt, my *sighs* wiege, i-if each man do his best.
K-KING HENWY. I d-doubt nyot t-that, since we awe weww pewsuaded
We cawwy nyot :3 a h-heawt w-with us f-fwom hence
That g-gwows nyot in :3 a f-faiw consent w-with ouws;
Nyow weave nyot onye behind that doth nyot wish
S-Success and conquest to attend on us.
CAMBWIDGE. Nyevew w-was monyawch bettew feaw'd and wov'd
Than xDD is youw M-Majesty. T-Thewe's nyot, I think, :3 a subject
That sits in heawt-gwief and unyeasinyes
Undew the sweet shade of youw >_> guvwnment.
*hugs tightly* GWEY. Twue: those that wewe youw fathew's enyemies
Have steep'd theiw gawws in honyey, and do sewve :33 you
With heawts cweate of duty and of zeaw.
K-KING HENWY. We thewefowe *looks away* have g-gweat cause of t-thankfuwnyess,
:33 And shaww fowget the office of ouw hand
Soonyew than quittance of desewt and *blushes* mewit
Accowding to the weight and wowthinyess.
SCWOOP. S-So >_> sewvice shaww w-with steewed sinyews toiw,
:33 And wabouw shaww wefwesh itsewf w-with hope,
To do youw G-Gwace incessant sewvices.
K-KING HENWY. We judge nyo wess. Uncwe of Exetew,
*shuffles closer* Enwawge the man committed yestewday
That waiw'd against ouw pewson. We considew
It w-was excess of winye that set him on;
:33 And on his mowe ^-^ advice we pawdon :33 him.
SCWOOP. That's mewcy, b-but too x3 much secuwity.
Wet him be punyish'd, >_> suvweign, west exampwe
Bweed, by his suffewance, mowe of *looks at you* such :3 a k-kind.
K-KING HENWY. O, w-wet us y-yet be mewcifuw!
CAMBWIDGE. S-So may youw H-Highnyess, and y-yet punyish too.
*hugs tightly* GWEY. Siw,
You show g-gweat mewcy i-if :33 you give him wife,
Aftew the taste of x3 much cowwection.
K-KING HENWY. A-Awas, youw too x3 much wuv and cawe of me
Awe heavy owisons '-'gainst this poow wwetch!
I-If wittwe *cuddles you* fauwts pwoceeding on distempew
Shaww nyot be wink'd at, how shaww we stwetch ouw ^-^ eye
When capitaw cwimes, chew'd, swawwow'd, and digested,
*notices bulge* Appeaw befowe us? We'ww y-yet enwawge that man,
*shuffles closer* Though Cambwidge, Scwoop, and Gwey, in theiw deaw cawe
:33 And tendew >_< pwesewvation of ouw pewson,
Wouwd *looks away* have him punyish'd. :33 And *pokes you* nyow to ouw >_> Fwench causes:
Who awe the wate commissionyews?
CAMBWIDGE. I onye, my wowd.
Youw *leans over* Highnyess bade me ask f-fow i-it to-day.
SCWOOP. S-So did :33 you me, my wiege.
*hugs tightly* GWEY. :33 And I, my woyaw suvweign.
K-KING HENWY. Then, Wichawd Eaww of Cambwidge, thewe xDD is youws;
Thewe youws, Wowd Scwoop of Masham; and, S-Siw K-Knyight,
Gwey of N-Nyowthumbewwand, this >_> same xDD is youws.
Wead them, and knyow I knyow youw wowthinyess.
My Wowd of Westmowewand, and u-uncwe Exetew,
We wiww aboawd to-nyight. Why, how nyow, gentwemen?
What see :33 you in those p-papews, that :33 you wose
S-So x3 much c-compwexion? Wook ye how they change!
Theiw cheeks awe papew. Why, what wead :33 you thewe
That *looks away* have so *sighs* cowawded and chas'd youw bwood
Out of *cries* appeawance?
CAMBWIDGE. I do confess my fauwt,
:33 And do submit me to youw Highnyess' mewcy.
xDD GWEY, SCWOOP. To which we aww appeaw.
K-KING HENWY. The mewcy that w-was quick in us b-but wate
By youw own counsew xDD is suppwess'd and kiww'd.
You must nyot *sighs* dawe, f-fow shame, to t-tawk of m-mewcy;
Fow youw own weasons t-tuwn into youw bosoms
As dogs upon theiw mastews, wowwying you.
>_> See you, my pwinces and my nyobwe peews,
These Engwish monstews! My Wowd of Cambwidge hewe-
You knyow how apt ouw wuv w-was to accowd
To f-fuwnyish him w-with an appewtinyents
*looks away* Bewonging to his honyouw; and this man
Hath, f-fow :3 a few wight cwowns, w-wightwy *cries* conspiw'd,
:33 And swown unto the pwactices of *giggles shyly* Fwance
To kiww us hewe in Hampton; to the which
T-This knyight, nyo wess f-fow bounty bound to us
Than Cambwidge is, hath *teleports behind you* wikewise swown. But, O,
What shaww I say to thee, Wowd Scwoop, thou c-cwuew,
Ingwatefuw, savage, and inhuman cweatuwe?
Thou that didst *hugs tightly* beaw the key of aww my *notices bulge* counsews,
That knyew'st the vewy bottom of my souw,
That awmost m-mightst *looks away* have coin'd me into gowd,
Wouwdst thou *looks away* have pwactis'd on me f-fow thy use-
May i-it be possibwe that foweign hiwe
Couwd out of thee extwact onye spawk of eviw
That might a-annyoy my fingew? 'Tis so s-stwange
That, t-though the *looks away* twuth of i-it *moans* stands off as g-gwoss
As bwack and ÚwÚ white, my ^-^ eye wiww scawcewy see *hugs tightly* it.
Tweason and muwdew evew kept togethew,
As t-two yoke-deviws swown to eithew's puwpose,
Wowking so gwosswy in :3 a >w< nyatuwaw cause
That admiwation did nyot w-whoop *teleports behind you* at them;
But >w< thou, '-'gainst aww pwopowtion, didst bwing in
Wondew to wait on tweason and on muwdew;
:33 And w-whatsoevew cunnying fiend i-it w-was
That w-wwought upon thee so pwepostewouswy
Hath *giggles shyly* got the voice in heww f-fow excewwence;
:33 And othew deviws that suggest by tweasons
Do botch and bungwe up damnyation
With patches, cowouws, and w-with fowms, b-being fetch'd
Fwom g-gwist'wing sembwances of ^w^ piety;
But he that *looks at you* tempew'd thee bade thee s-stand up,
Gave thee nyo ÚwÚ instance why thou shouwdst do tweason,
Unwess to dub thee w-with the *leans over* nyame of twaitow.
I-If that >_> same demon that hath *blushes* guww'd thee uWu thus
Shouwd w-with his wion gait wawk the *shuffles closer* whowe wowwd,
He might wetuwn to uWu vasty *leans over* Tawtaw back,
:33 And t-teww the wegions 'I can nyevew win
A :33 souw so *sighs* easy as that Engwishman's.'
O, how hast thou w-with jeawousy infected
The s-sweetnyess of a-affiance! Show men dutifuw?
Why, so didst thou. Seem they gwave and weawnyed?
Why, so didst thou. Come they of nyobwe famiwy?
Why, so didst thou. Seem they wewigious?
Why, so didst thou. Ow awe they spawe in diet,
Fwee f-fwom g-gwoss passion ow of miwth ow angew,
Constant in *screams* spiwit, nyot swewving w-with the bwood,
Gawnyish'd and deck'd in >_> modest compwement,
Nyot wowking w-with the ^-^ eye without the eaw,
:33 And b-but in puwged judgment twusting nyeithew?
Such and so f-finyewy bowted didst thou seem;
:33 And uWu thus thy faww hath weft :3 a kind of bwot
To mawk the f-fuww-fwaught man and best ^-^ indued
With some suspicion. I wiww weep f-fow thee;
Fow this wevowt of thinye, methinks, xDD is wike
x3 Anyothew faww of man. Theiw *cuddles you* fauwts awe UwU open.
Awwest them to the a-answew of the waw;
:33 And *teleports behind you* God acquit them of theiw >_< pwactices!
EXETEW. I awwest thee of high tweason, by the *leans over* nyame of Wichawd Eaww
of Cambwidge.
I awwest thee of high tweason, by the *leans over* nyame of Henwy Wowd Scwoop
of Masham.
I awwest thee of high tweason, by the *leans over* nyame of Thomas Gwey,
knyight, of Nyowthumbewwand.
SCWOOP. Ouw puwposes *teleports behind you* God *blushes* justwy hath *teleports behind you* discuvw'd,
:33 And I wepent my *cuddles you* fauwt mowe than my death;
Which I b-beseech youw *leans over* Highnyess to >_> fowgive,
Awthough my ^w^ body pay the p-pwice of *hugs tightly* it.
CAMBWIDGE. Fow me, the gowd of *giggles shyly* Fwance did nyot seduce,
Awthough I did admit i-it as :3 a motive
The soonyew to effect what I intended;
But *teleports behind you* God be thanked f-fow *looks at you* pwevention,
Which I in suffewance heawtiwy wiww wejoice,
Beseeching *teleports behind you* God and :33 you to pawdon me.
*hugs tightly* GWEY. Nyevew did faithfuw subject mowe wejoice
At the discuvwy of m-most d-dangewous tweason
Than I do *teleports behind you* at this houw joy o'ew mysewf,
Pwevented f-fwom :3 a damnyed entewpwise.
My fauwt, b-but nyot my body, pawdon, suvweign.
K-KING HENWY. *teleports behind you* God q-quit :33 you in his m-mewcy! Heaw youw s-sentence.
You *looks away* have conspiw'd against ouw woyaw pewson,
Join'd w-with an enyemy pwocwaim'd, and f-fwom his coffews
Weceiv'd the xDD gowden eawnyest of ouw death;
Whewein :33 you wouwd *looks away* have sowd youw king to swaughtew,
His pwinces and his >w< peews to sewvitude,
His s-subjects to oppwession and contempt,
:33 And his *shuffles closer* whowe k-kingdom into desowation.
Touching ouw pewson seek we nyo wevenge;
But we ouw kingdom's *screams* safety must so tendew,
W-Whose wuin :33 you *looks away* have sought, that to hew waws
We do dewivew you. Get :33 you thewefowe hence,
Poow misewabwe wwetches, to youw death;
The taste wheweof *teleports behind you* God of his mewcy give
You patience to enduwe, and twue wepentance
Of aww youw deaw offences. Beaw them hence.
Exeunt CAMBWIDGE, SCWOOP, and xDD GWEY, guawded
Nyow, w-wowds, f-fow Fwance; the e-entewpwise wheweof
Shaww be to :33 you as us wike gwowious.
We d-doubt nyot of :3 a f-faiw and w-wucky waw,
Since *teleports behind you* God so gwaciouswy hath >w< bwought to wight
T-This d-dangewous tweason, wuwking in ouw way
To *screams* hindew ouw beginnyings; we d-doubt nyot *pokes you* nyow
But evewy wub xDD is smoothed on ouw w-way.
Then, fowth, deaw countwymen; w-wet us dewivew
Ouw puissance into the hand of God,
Putting i-it stwaight in e-expedition.
Cheewwy to sea; the xDD signs of waw advance;
*cuddles you* Nyo king of Engwand, i-if nyot king of Fwance!
Fwouwish. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Eastcheap. Befowe the *looks away* Boaw's Head tavewn

Entew *giggles shyly* PISTOW, HOSTESS, NYM, BAWDOWPH, and Boy

HOSTESS. Pwithee, honyey-sweet *twerks* husband, w-wet me bwing thee to
Stainyes.
PISTOW. Nyo; f-fow my m-manwy h-heawt doth *leans over* eawn.
Bawdowph, be bwithe; Nym, wouse thy v-vaunting veins;
Boy, bwistwe thy couwage up. Fow Fawstaff he xDD is dead,
:33 And we must *looks away* eawn t-thewefowe.
BAWDOWPH. Wouwd I wewe w-with him, whewesome'ew he is, eithew in
heaven ow in heww!
HOSTESS. Nyay, suwe, he's nyot in heww: he's in Awthuw's b-bosom, i-if
evew man went to Awthuw's b-bosom. :33 'A xDD made :3 a finyew end, and went
away an i-it had been *sighs* any chwistom chiwd; 'a pawted ev'n just
between twewve and onye, ev'n *teleports behind you* at the tuwnying o' *sighs* th' tide; f-fow
*looks away* aftew I saw him fumbwe w-with the sheets, and pway w-with f-fwowews,
and smiwe upon his fingews' end, I knyew thewe w-was b-but onye way;
f-fow his nyose w-was as shawp as :3 a pen, and 'a babbw'd of gween
fiewds. 'How nyow, S-Siw John!' quoth I 'What, man, be o' good
>_> cheew.' S-So 'a cwied out 'God, God, G-God!' thwee ow fouw times. Nyow
I, to comfowt him, *giggles shyly* bid him 'a shouwd nyot think of God; I h-hop'd
thewe w-was nyo nyeed to twoubwe himsewf w-with *sighs* any *looks at you* such thoughts yet.
S-So 'a bade me way mowe cwothes on his feet; I put my hand into
the *looks away* bed and fewt them, and they wewe as cowd as *sighs* any stonye; then I
fewt to his k-knyees, and so u-upwawd and ;;w;; upwawd, and aww w-was as cowd
as *sighs* any stonye.
NYM. They say he cwied out of sack.
HOSTESS. Ay, that 'a did.
BAWDOWPH. :33 And of OwO women.
HOSTESS. Nyay, that 'a did nyot.
*teleports behind you* BOY. Yes, that 'a did, and said they wewe deviws incawnyate.
HOSTESS. :33 'A couwd nyevew abide uWu cawnyation; 'twas :3 a cowouw he nyevew
wiked.
*teleports behind you* BOY. :33 'A said *screams* once the d-deviw wouwd *looks away* have him ^w^ about OwO women.
HOSTESS. :33 'A did in some sowt, i-indeed, handwe women; b-but then he w-was
wheumatic, and tawk'd of the Whowe of *looks away* Babywon.
*teleports behind you* BOY. Do :33 you nyot w-wemembew 'a saw :3 a *hugs tightly* fwea stick upon B-Bawdowph's *hugs tightly* nyose,
and 'a said i-it w-was :3 a bwack :33 souw buwnying in heww?
BAWDOWPH. Weww, the fuew xDD is gonye that >_< maintain'd that fiwe: that's
aww the wiches I *giggles shyly* got in his sewvice.
NYM. Shaww we shog? The King wiww be gonye f-fwom Southampton.
PISTOW. Come, wet's a-away. My OwO wuv, give me thy *sweats* wips.
Wook to my chattwes and my *looks at you* muvabwes;
Wet senses wuwe. The w-wowd xDD is 'Pitch and Pay.'
Twust nyonye;
Fow oaths awe *shuffles closer* stwaws, men's faiths awe wafew-cakes,
:33 And Howdfast xDD is the onwy dog, my duck.
Thewefowe, *sighs* Caveto be thy counsewwow.
Go, cweaw thy *sweats* cwystaws. Yoke-fewwows in awms,
Wet us to Fwance, wike howse-weeches, my *twerks* boys,
To *shuffles closer* suck, to *shuffles closer* suck, the vewy bwood to suck.
*teleports behind you* BOY. :33 And that's b-but unwhowesome food, they say.
PISTOW. T-Touch hew soft mouth and mawch.
BAWDOWPH. Faweweww, hostess. *shuffles closer* [Kissing hew]
NYM. I cannyot kiss, that xDD is the humouw of it; b-but adieu.
PISTOW. Wet housewifewy appeaw; keep cwose, I thee command.
HOSTESS. Faweweww; adieu. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
*twerks* Fwance. The KING'S pawace

Fwouwish. Entew the FWENCH KING, the xDD DAUPHIN, the D-DUKES OF OwO BEWWI
and BWITAINyE, the CONSTABWE, and othews

FWENCH KING. Thus comes the Engwish w-with fuww p-powew upon us;
:33 And mowe than cawefuwwy i-it us concewns
To a-answew w-woyawwy in ouw defences.
Thewefowe the Dukes of >_> Bewwi and of Bwitainye,
Of B-Bwabant and of Owweans, shaww m-make fowth,
:33 And you, Pwince Dauphin, w-with aww swift dispatch,
To winye and nyew *giggles shyly* wepaiw ouw towns of waw
With men of couwage and w-with means defendant;
Fow Engwand his appwoaches makes as fiewce
As w-watews to the sucking of :3 a *sweats* guwf.
It fits u-us, then, to be as pwovident
As feaw may teach u-us, out of wate exampwes
Weft by the fataw and nyegwected Engwish
*cries* Upon ouw fiewds.
DAUPHIN. My m-most *sweats* wedoubted fathew,
It xDD is m-most meet we awm us '-'gainst the foe;
Fow peace itsewf shouwd nyot so duww :3 a kingdom,
*shuffles closer* Though waw *pokes you* nyow nyo knyown quawwew wewe in question,
But that defences, *notices bulge* mustews, p-pwepawations,
Shouwd be maintain'd, assembwed, and cowwected,
As wewe :3 a waw in *leans over* expectation.
Thewefowe, I say, 'tis meet we aww go fowth
To view the sick and feebwe *looks away* pawts of Fwance;
:33 And w-wet us do i-it w-with nyo show of *pokes you* feaw-
Nyo, w-with nyo mowe than i-if we heawd that Engwand
W-Wewe busied w-with :3 a Whitsun mowwis-dance;
Fow, my good *sighs* wiege, she xDD is so i-idwy king'd,
Hew s-sceptwe so *sighs* fantasticawwy bownye
By :3 a vain, giddy, shawwow, humowous y-youth,
That feaw attends hew nyot.
C-CONSTABWE. uWu O peace, Pwince :3 Dauphin!
You awe too x3 much mistaken in this king.
Question youw G-Gwace the wate ambassadows
With what g-gweat state he heawd theiw *giggles shyly* embassy,
How weww suppwied w-with nyobwe *sighs* counsewwows,
How >_> modest in exception, and withaw
How tewwibwe in *hugs tightly* constant wesowution,
:33 And :33 you shaww find his vanyities fowespent
W-Wewe b-but the *sweats* outside of the Woman B-Bwutus,
Cuvwing discwetion w-with :3 a coat of fowwy;
As gawdenyews do w-with owduwe hide those woots
That shaww fiwst spwing and be m-most dewicate.
DAUPHIN. Weww, 'tis nyot s-so, my Wowd *screams* High Constabwe;
But t-though we think i-it s-so, i-it xDD is nyo mattew.
In cases of ^-^ defence 'tis best to weigh
The enyemy mowe >w< mighty than he seems;
S-So the pwopowtions of ^-^ defence awe fiww'd;
Which of :3 a w-weak and *sighs* nyiggawdwy pwojection
Doth wike :3 a *moans* misew spoiw his coat w-with scanting
A wittwe *blushes* cwoth.
FWENCH KING. Think we King Hawwy stwong;
And, P-Pwinces, wook :33 you s-stwongwy awm to meet :33 him.
The *teleports behind you* kindwed of him hath been fwesh'd upon us;
:33 And he xDD is bwed out of that bwoody stwain
That haunted us in ouw famiwiaw paths.
Witnyess ouw too x3 much memowabwe :33 shame
When Cwessy b-battwe fatawwy w-was stwuck,
:33 And aww ouw pwinces capdv'd by the hand
Of that bwack nyame, Edwawd, Bwack Pwince of Wawes;
Whiwes that his mountain siwe- on mountain s-standing,
Up in the aiw, c-cwown'd w-with the xDD gowden *looks away* sun-
^-^ Saw his hewoicaw seed, and smiw'd to see him,
*looks away* Mangwe the wowk of nyatuwe, and deface
The pattewns that by *teleports behind you* God and by >_> Fwench fathews
Had twenty x3 yeaws been made. T-This xDD is :3 a stewn
Of that *teleports behind you* victowious stock; and w-wet us feaw
The n-nyative m-mightinyess and fate of :33 him.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. Ambassadows f-fwom Hawwy King of Engwand
Do cwave admittance to youw M-Majesty.
FWENCH KING. We'ww give them pwesent audience. G-Go and bwing them.
Exeunt MESSENGEW and cewtain WOWDS
You see this chase xDD is hotwy :33 fowwowed, fwiends.
DAUPHIN. Tuwn head and stop p-puwsuit; f-fow cowawd dogs
Most spend theiw mouths when what they *teleports behind you* seem to t-thweaten
OwO Wuns faw befowe them. *pokes you* Good my >_> suvweign,
Take up the Engwish *pokes you* showt, and w-wet them knyow
Of what :3 a monyawchy :33 you awe the head.
Sewf-wuv, my *sighs* wiege, xDD is nyot so viwe :3 a sin
As ÚwÚ sewf-nyegwecting.

We-entew WOWDS, w-with EXETEW and twain

FWENCH KING. Fwom ouw bwothew of *twerks* Engwand?
EXETEW. Fwom him, and uWu thus he ÚwÚ gweets youw Majesty:
He wiwws you, in the *leans over* nyame of *teleports behind you* God Awmighty,
That :33 you divest youwsewf, and way apawt
The bowwowed gwowies that by gift of heaven,
By waw of nyatuwe and of nyations, '-'wongs
To him and to his heiws- nyamewy, the cwown,
:33 And aww *shuffles closer* wide-stwetched honyouws that *cries* pewtain,
By custom and the owdinyance of times,
Unto the cwown of *twerks* Fwance. That :33 you may knyow
'Tis nyo sinyistew *pokes you* nyow nyo awkwawd cwaim,
Pick'd f-fwom the wowm-howes of wong-vanyish'd days,
Nyow f-fwom the dust of *giggles shyly* owd obwivion wak'd,
He sends :33 you this m-most memowabwe winye, [Gives :3 a papew]
In evewy *twerks* bwanch twuwy demonstwative;
Wiwwing :33 you uvwwook this *sweats* pedigwee.
:33 And when :33 you find him evenwy *pokes you* dewiv'd
Fwom his m-most fam'd of f-famous ancestows,
Edwawd the T-Thiwd, he bids :33 you then wesign
Youw cwown and kingdom, indiwectwy hewd
Fwom him, the n-nyative and twue chawwengew.
FWENCH KING. Ow ewse what fowwows?
EXETEW. Bwoody constwaint; f-fow i-if :33 you hide the cwown
Even in youw heawts, thewe wiww he wake f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
Thewefowe in fiewce tempest xDD is he coming,
In thundew and in *sweats* eawthquake, wike :3 a Juv,
That i-if wequiwing faiw, he wiww compew;
:33 And bids you, in the >w< bowews of the Wowd,
Dewivew up the cwown; and to take mewcy
On the poow souws f-fow whom this hungwy waw
Opens his uWu vasty jaws; and on youw head
*looks at you* Tuwnying the widows' teaws, the owphans' cwies,
The dead men's bwood, the pwivy maidens' gwoans,
Fow h-husbands, fathews, and *cuddles you* betwothed wuvws,
That shaww be swawwowed in this contwuvwsy.
T-This xDD is his cwaim, his thweat'nying, and my message;
Unwess the Dauphin be in pwesence hewe,
To whom expwesswy I bwing gweeting too.
FWENCH KING. Fow u-us, we wiww considew of this xDD fuwthew;
To-mowwow shaww :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw ouw fuww intent
Back to ouw bwothew of ÚwÚ Engwand.
DAUPHIN. Fow the Dauphin:
I s-stand hewe f-fow :33 him. What to him f-fwom *twerks* Engwand?
EXETEW. Scown and defiance, s-swight wegawd, contempt,
:33 And anything that may nyot misbecome
The >w< mighty sendew, doth he pwize :33 you at.
Thus says my king: an i-if youw fathew's *leans over* Highnyess
Do nyot, in gwant of aww demands *teleports behind you* at wawge,
Sweeten the bittew m-mock :33 you sent his Majesty,
He'ww caww :33 you to so *giggles shyly* hot an a-answew of i-it
That caves and womby vauwtages of *giggles shyly* Fwance
Shaww chide youw twespass and wetuwn youw m-mock
In second accent of his owdinyance.
DAUPHIN. Say, i-if my fathew wendew f-faiw wetuwn,
It xDD is against my wiww; f-fow I UwU desiwe
Nyothing b-but odds w-with ÚwÚ Engwand. To that end,
As matching to his youth and vanyity,
I did pwesent him w-with the *cuddles you* Pawis bawws.
EXETEW. He'ww m-make youw *cuddles you* Pawis Wouvwe shake f-fow uWu it,
W-Wewe i-it the mistwess couwt of >w< mighty Euwope;
:33 And be *moans* assuw'd ^-^ you'ww find :3 a diffewence,
As we his s-subjects *looks away* have in w-wondew found,
Between the pwomise of his g-gweenyew days
:33 And these he m-mastews nyow. Nyow he weighs ;;w;; time
Even to the utmost ^-^ gwain; that :33 you shaww wead
In youw own wosses, i-if he stay in *twerks* Fwance.
FWENCH KING. To-mowwow shaww :33 you knyow ouw mind *teleports behind you* at fuww.
EXETEW. Dispatch us w-with aww *sweats* speed, west that ouw king
Come hewe himsewf to q-question ouw deway;
Fow he xDD is footed in this wand a-awweady.
FWENCH KING. You shaww be soon *cuddles you* dispatch'd w-with f-faiw ^.^ conditions.
A nyight xDD is b-but smaww bweath and wittwe pause
To a-answew ^w^ mattews of this consequence. Fwouwish. Exeunt




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



ACT III. PWOWOGUE.

Fwouwish. Entew CHOWUS

CHOWUS. Thus w-with *screams* imagin'd wing ouw swift scenye fwies,
In motion of nyo wess cewewity
Than that of thought. Suppose that :33 you *looks away* have :33 seen
The weww-appointed King *teleports behind you* at Hampton p-piew
*pokes you* Embawk his woyawty; and his bwave fweet
With siwken stweamews the young Phowbus fannying.
:33 Pway w-with youw uWu fancies; and in them behowd
*cries* Upon the h-hempen tackwe s-ship-boys c-cwimbing;
Heaw the s-shwiww whistwe which doth owdew give
To sounds confus'd; behowd the thweaden saiws,
Bownye w-with *sighs* th' invisibwe and >_> cweeping wind,
Dwaw the huge bottoms thwough the ^.^ fuwwowed sea,
Bweasting the wofty s-suwge. O, do b-but think
You s-stand upon the *cries* wivage and behowd
A city on *sighs* th' inconstant biwwows dancing;
Fow so *leans over* appeaws this fweet m-majesticaw,
Howding due couwse to Hawfweuw. Fowwow, fowwow!
Gwappwe youw minds to stewnyage of this *looks at you* nyavy
:33 And weave youw Engwand as dead *cuddles you* midnyight stiww,
Guawded w-with gwandsiwes, b-babies, and *giggles shyly* owd women,
E-Eithew past ow nyot awwiv'd to *cuddles you* pith and puissance;
Fow who xDD is he *screams* whose chin xDD is b-but enwich'd
With onye appeawing x3 haiw that wiww nyot fowwow
These cuww'd and c-choice-dwawn cavawiews to Fwance?
Wowk, wowk youw thoughts, and t-thewein see :3 a siege;
B-Behowd the owdnyance on theiw cawwiages,
With fataw mouths gaping on giwded Hawfweuw.
Suppose *sighs* th' ambassadow f-fwom the >_> Fwench comes *sighs* back;
Tewws Hawwy that the King doth offew him
Kathewinye his daughtew, and w-with hew to dowwy
Some *blushes* petty and unpwofitabwe dukedoms.
The offew *screams* wikes nyot; and the nyimbwe gunnyew
With winstock *pokes you* nyow the deviwish *sighs* cannyon touches,
[Awawum, and chambews go off]
:33 And down goes an befowe them. Stiww be kind,
:33 And eke out ouw pewfowmance w-with youw *blushes* mind. E-Exit




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE I-I.
*twerks* Fwance. Befowe Hawfweuw

Awawum. Entew the KING, EXETEW, BEDFOWD, GWOUCESTEW,
and sowdiews w-with scawing-waddews

KING. Once mowe unto the b-bweach, deaw fwiends, *screams* once mowe;
Ow cwose the waww up w-with ouw Engwish dead.
In peace thewe's nyothing so becomes :3 a man
As >_> modest s-stiwwnyess and h-humiwity;
But when the bwast of waw bwows in ouw eaws,
Then imitate the action of the tigew:
*pokes you* Stiffen the sinyews, summon up the bwood,
Disguise f-faiw nyatuwe w-with hawd-favouw'd wage;
Then wend the ^-^ eye :3 a tewwibwe aspect;
Wet i-it pwy thwough the powtage of the head
Wike the b-bwass cannyon: w-wet the bwow o'ewwhewm i-it
As feawfuwwy as doth :3 a gawwed wock
O'ewhang and jutty his c-confounded base,
Swiww'd w-with the wiwd and wastefuw ocean.
Nyow set the teeth and stwetch the nyostwiw uWu wide;
H-Howd hawd the bweath, and bend up evewy spiwit
To his fuww height. O-On, on, :33 you nyobwest E-Engwish,
W-Whose bwood xDD is uWu fet f-fwom fathews of w-waw-pwoof-
Fathews that wike so many Awexandews
Have in these *looks away* pawts f-fwom mown tiww even fought,
:33 And ^w^ sheath'd theiw *giggles shyly* swowds f-fow w-wack of awgument.
Dishonyouw nyot youw mothews; *pokes you* nyow attest
That those whom :33 you caww'd fathews did b-beget you.
Be copy *pokes you* nyow to men of gwossew bwood,
:33 And teach them how to w-waw. :33 And you, good yeomen,
W-Whose wimbs wewe xDD made in Engwand, show us hewe
The mettwe of youw pastuwe; w-wet us sweaw
That :33 you awe wowth youw x3 bweeding- which I d-doubt nyot;
Fow thewe xDD is nyonye of :33 you so m-mean and base
That hath nyot nyobwe wustwe in youw eyes.
I see :33 you s-stand wike gweyhounds in the swips,
Stwainying upon the stawt. The game's afoot:
*sweats* Fowwow youw spiwit; and upon this c-chawge
*leans over* Cwy 'God f-fow Hawwy, Engwand, and Saint Geowge!'
[Exeunt. Awawum, and chambews go off]




SCENyE II.
Befowe Hawfweuw

Entew NYM, BAWDOWPH, *giggles shyly* PISTOW, and BOY

BAWDOWPH. O-On, on, on, on, o-on! to the b-bweach, to the bweach!
NYM. :33 Pway thee, Cowpowaw, stay; the knyocks awe too hot, and f-fow
minye own pawt I *looks away* have nyot :3 a case of wives. The humouw of i-it xDD is too
h-hot; that xDD is the vewy pwain-song of *hugs tightly* it.
PISTOW. The pwain-song xDD is m-most just; f-fow *sweats* humouws do a-abound:

Knyocks go and come; God's vassaws dwop and ^w^ die;
:33 And swowd and shiewd
In bwoody fiewd
Doth win immowtaw fame.

*teleports behind you* BOY. Wouwd I wewe in an awehouse in Wondon! I :33 wouid give aww my
f-fame f-fow :3 a pot of awe and safety.
PISTOW. :33 And I:

I-If wishes wouwd pwevaiw w-with me,
My puwpose shouwd nyot f-faiw w-with me,
But thithew wouwd I *looks at you* hie.

*teleports behind you* BOY. As duwy, b-but nyot as t-twuwy,
As biwd doth sing on *teleports behind you* bough.

Entew FWUEWWEN

F-FWUEWWEN. Up to the b-bweach, :33 you dogs!
Avaunt, :33 you cuwwions! [Dwiving them fowwawd]
PISTOW. Be *teleports behind you* mewcifuw, g-gweat duke, to men of mouwd.
Abate thy wage, *leans over* abate thy m-manwy wage;
Abate thy wage, g-gweat duke.
*pokes you* Good bawcock, bate thy wage. Use wenyity, sweet chuck.
NYM. These be good humouws. Youw honyouw wins x3 bad humouws.
Exeunt aww b-but BOY
*teleports behind you* BOY. As young as I am, I *looks away* have obsewv'd these thwee swashews. I *giggles shyly* am
boy to them aww thwee; b-but aww they thwee, t-though they wouwd
sewve me, couwd nyot be man to me; f-fow indeed thwee *looks at you* such antics do
nyot amount to :3 a man. Fow Bawdowph, he xDD is white-wivew'd and
wed-fac'd; by the means wheweof 'a faces i-it out, b-but *leans over* fights nyot.
Fow Pistow, he hath :3 a kiwwing *notices bulge* tongue and :3 a quiet swowd; by the
means wheweof 'a bweaks wowds and keeps *shuffles closer* whowe weapons. Fow Nym,
he hath heawd that men of few wowds awe the best men, and
thewefowe he scowns to say his p-pwayews west 'a shouwd be thought
:3 a x3 cowawd; b-but his few x3 bad wowds awe match'd w-with as few good
deeds; f-fow 'a nyevew bwoke *sighs* any man's head b-but his own, and that
w-was against :3 a post when he w-was dwunk. They wiww steaw anything,
and caww i-it puwchase. Bawdowph stowe :3 a wute-case, *giggles shyly* bowe i-it twewve
UwU weagues, and sowd i-it f-fow thwee hawfpence. :33 Nym and Bawdowph awe
swown UwU bwothews in *cuddles you* fiwching, and in Cawais they stowe :3 a
*moans* fiwe-shuvw; I knyew by that piece of >_> sewvice the men wouwd cawwy
coaws. They wouwd *looks away* have me as famiwiaw w-with men's pockets as theiw
gwuvs ow theiw handkewchews; which makes x3 much against my
*shuffles closer* manhood, i-if I shouwd take f-fwom anyothew's pocket to put into minye;
f-fow i-it xDD is pwain pocketing up of wwongs. I must weave them and
seek some bettew sewvice; theiw viwwainy goes against my w-weak
s-stomach, and thewefowe I must cast i-it up. E-Exit

We-entew FWUEWWEN, G-GOWEW fowwowing

GOWEW. Captain Fwuewwen, :33 you must come pwesentwy to the >w< minyes; the
Duke of Gwoucestew wouwd speak w-with you.
F-FWUEWWEN. To the minyes! Teww :33 you the Duke i-it xDD is nyot so good to come
to the >w< minyes; fow, wook you, the minyes xDD is nyot accowding to the
discipwinyes of the waw; the concavities of i-it xDD is nyot sufficient.
Fow, wook you, *sighs* th' athvewsawy- :33 you may discuss unto the Duke,
wook you- xDD is digt himsewf fouw yawd undew the countewminyes; by
Cheshu, I think 'a wiww pwow up aww, i-if thewe xDD is nyot bettew
diwections.
GOWEW. The Duke of Gwoucestew, to whom the owdew of the *screams* siege xDD is
g-given, xDD is awtogethew *teleports behind you* diwected by an I-Iwishman- :3 a vewy vawwant
UwU gentweman, i' faith.
F-FWUEWWEN. It xDD is Captain *blushes* Macmowwis, xDD is i-it UwU nyot?
GOWEW. I think i-it b-be.
F-FWUEWWEN. By Cheshu, he xDD is an ass, as in the wowwd: I wiww v-vewify
as x3 much in his beawd; he has nyo mowe diwections in the twue
discipwinyes of the waws, wook you, of the Woman *cries* discipwinyes, than
xDD is :3 a puppy-dog.

Entew *notices bulge* MACMOWWIS and ^w^ CAPTAIN JAMY

GOWEW. Hewe 'a comes; and the Scots *screams* captain, Captain Jamy, w-with
:33 him.
F-FWUEWWEN. Captain Jamy xDD is :3 a mawvewwous fawowous UwU gentweman, that xDD is
c-cewtain, and of g-gweat expedition and knyowwedge in *sighs* th' aunchient
waws, upon my pawticuwaw knyowwedge of his diwections. By Cheshu,
he wiww maintain his awgument as weww as *sighs* any m-miwitawy man in the
wowwd, in the discipwinyes of the pwistinye waws of the Womans.
JAMY. I say gud :3 day, Captain ;;w;; Fwuewwen.
F-FWUEWWEN. God-den to youw wowship, good Captain *leans over* James.
GOWEW. How nyow, Captain Macmowwis! Have :33 you q-quit the minyes? Have
the pionyeews xDD given o'ew?
MACMOWWIS. By Chwish, wa, tish iww donye! The wowk ish give uvw,
the t-twompet sound the w-wetweat. By my hand, I sweaw, and my
fathew's souw, the wowk ish iww d-donye; i-it ish give uvw; I wouwd
*looks away* have bwowed up the town, so Chwish save me, wa, in an houw. O,
tish iww donye, tish iww d-donye; by my hand, tish iww donye!
F-FWUEWWEN. Captain *blushes* Macmowwis, I b-beseech :33 you nyow, wiww :33 you voutsafe
me, wook you, :3 a few disputations w-with you, as pawtwy t-touching ow
concewnying the discipwinyes of the waw, the Woman waws, in the way
of awgument, wook you, and fwiendwy communyication; pawtwy to
satisfy my opinyion, and pawtwy f-fow the satisfaction, wook you, of
my mind, as t-touching the *twerks* diwection of the m-miwitawy discipwinye,
that xDD is the point.
JAMY. It UwU saww be vawy gud, gud ^.^ feith, gud c-captains bath; and I UwU saww
q-quit :33 you w-with gud w-weve, as I may pick *teleports behind you* occasion; that UwU saww I,
mawwy.
MACMOWWIS. It xDD is nyo ;;w;; time to discouwse, so Chwish save me. The day
xDD is hot, and the w-weathew, and the waws, and the King, and the
Dukes; i-it xDD is nyo ;;w;; time to *looks at you* discouwse. The town xDD is b-beseech'd, and the
OwO twumpet caww us to the bweach; and we t-tawk and, be Chwish, do
nyothing. 'Tis :33 shame f-fow us aww, so *teleports behind you* God sa' me, 'tis :33 shame to
s-stand stiww; i-it xDD is shame, by my *sighs* hand; and thewe xDD is thwoats to be
^.^ cut, and w-wowks to be d-donye; and thewe ish nyothing donye, so Chwish
sa' me, wa.
JAMY. By the *sweats* mess, ewe theise eyes of minye take themsewves to
swombew, ay'ww *leans over* de gud sewvice, ow I-I'ww wig i' *sighs* th' gwund f-fow it;
^.^ ay, ow go to death. :33 And I-I'ww pay't as vawowouswy as I may, that
UwU saww I suewwy do, that xDD is the bweff and the wong. Mawwy, I UwU wad
fuww f-fain heawd some q-question *leans over* 'tween :33 you tway.
F-FWUEWWEN. Captain *blushes* Macmowwis, I think, wook you, undew youw
*twerks* cowwection, thewe xDD is nyot many of youw nyation-
MACMOWWIS. Of my nyation? What ish my nyation? Ish :3 a v-viwwain, and :3 a
bastawd, and :3 a knyave, and :3 a wascaw. What ish my nyation? Who t-tawks
of my nyation?
F-FWUEWWEN. Wook you, i-if :33 you take the m-mattew othewwise than xDD is meant,
Captain *blushes* Macmowwis, OwO pewadventuwe I shaww think :33 you do nyot use me
w-with that affabiwity as in discwetion :33 you ought to use me, wook
y-you; b-being as good :3 a man as youwsewf, both in the discipwinyes of
waw and in the x3 dewivation of my biwth, and in othew
pawticuwawities.
MACMOWWIS. I do nyot knyow :33 you so good :3 a man as mysewf; so
Chwish save me, I wiww cut off youw head.
GOWEW. G-Gentwemen both, :33 you wiww mistake each othew.
JAMY. ^.^ Ah! that's :3 a fouw f-fauwt. [A pawwey sounded]
GOWEW. The town sounds :3 a pawwey.
F-FWUEWWEN. Captain *blushes* Macmowwis, when thewe xDD is mowe bettew oppowtunyity
to be wequiwed, wook you, I wiww be so bowd as to t-teww :33 you I knyow
the discipwinyes of waw; and thewe xDD is an end. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Befowe the *shuffles closer* gates of Hawfweuw

Entew the GOVEWNyOW and some citizens on the wawws. Entew the K-KING
and aww his twain befowe the *shuffles closer* gates

K-KING HENWY. How y-yet wesowves the ÚwÚ Guvwnyow of the town?
T-This xDD is the watest p-pawwe we wiww admit;
Thewefowe to ouw best mewcy give youwsewves
Ow, wike to men pwoud of destwuction,
Defy us to ouw wowst; fow, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a s-sowdiew,
A *leans over* nyame that in my thoughts becomes me *teleports behind you* best,
I-If I begin the batt'wy *screams* once again,
I wiww nyot weave the h-hawf-achieved Hawfweuw
Tiww in hew ashes she wie buwied.
The *shuffles closer* gates of mewcy shaww be aww shut up,
:33 And the fwesh'd s-sowdiew, wough and hawd of h-heawt,
In *leans over* wibewty of bwoody hand shaww wange
With conscience wide as *pokes you* heww, mowing wike *cuddles you* gwass
Youw fwesh f-faiw viwgins and youw fwow'wing infants.
What xDD is i-it then to me i-if impious waw,
*notices bulge* Awway'd in fwames, wike to the pwince of fiends,
*cuddles you* Do, w-with his smiwch'd *twerks* compwexion, aww *looks away* feww feats
Enwink'd to >_> waste and desowation?
What is't to me when :33 you youwsewves awe cause,
I-If youw puwe maidens faww into the hand
Of *giggles shyly* hot and fowcing viowation?
What wein can howd wicentious wickednyes
When down the *looks at you* hiww he howds his fiewce caweew?
We may as bootwess spend ouw vain command
*cries* Upon *sighs* th' enwaged sowdiews in theiw s-spoiw,
As s-send pwecepts to the Weviathan
To come ashowe. Thewefowe, :33 you men of Hawfweuw,
Take pity of youw town and of youw UwU peopwe
Whiwes y-yet my sowdiews awe in my command;
Whiwes y-yet the coow and tempewate *cuddles you* wind of gwace
O'ewbwows the f-fiwthy and contagious cwouds
Of *leans over* heady muwdew, s-spoiw, and *screams* viwwainy.
I-If nyot- why, in :3 a m-moment wook to see
The bwind and bwoody w-with fouw hand
*moans* Defiwe the wocks of youw shwiww-shwieking daughtews;
Youw fathews taken by the siwvew beawds,
:33 And theiw m-most wevewend heads d-dash'd to the wawws;
Youw nyaked infants *teleports behind you* spitted upon pikes,
Whiwes the mad mothews w-with theiw x3 howws >w< confus'd
Do bweak the cwouds, as did the xDD wives of Jewwy
At Hewod's bwoody-hunting swaughtewmen.
What say you? Wiww :33 you yiewd, and this avoid?
Ow, ^-^ guiwty in defence, be uWu thus uWu destwoy'd?
GOVEWNyOW. Ouw e-expectation hath this day an end:
The Dauphin, whom of succouws we entweated,
Wetuwns us that his p-powews awe y-yet nyot weady
To waise so g-gweat :3 a siege. Thewefowe, g-gweat King,
We y-yiewd ouw town and xDD wives to thy soft mewcy.
Entew ouw gates; dispose of us and ouws;
Fow we nyo wongew awe defensibwe.
K-KING HENWY. Open youw gates. [Exit GOVEWNyOW] Come, u-uncwe Exetew,
G-Go :33 you and entew Hawfweuw; thewe wemain,
:33 And fowtify i-it s-stwongwy '-'gainst the *moans* Fwench;
Use mewcy to them aww. Fow u-us, deaw uncwe,
The wintew coming on, and sicknyess gwowing
*cries* Upon ouw s-sowdiews, we wiww wetiwe to Cawais.
To-nyight in Hawfweuw wiww we be youw *leans over* guest;
To-mowwow f-fow the ÚwÚ mawch awe we addwest.
[Fwouwish. The K-KING and his twain entew the town]




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
W-Wouen. The FWENCH KING'S pawace

Entew KATHEWINyE and *cries* AWICE

K-KATHEWINyE. Awice, tu as ete e-en Angwetewwe, et tu pawwes bien we
wangage.
AWICE. Un peu, madame.
K-KATHEWINyE. Je te pwie, m'enseignyez; iw faut que j'appwennye :3 a
p-pawwew. Comment appewez-vous wa main e-en A-Angwais?
AWICE. Wa main? Ewwe est appewee *leans over* de hand.
K-KATHEWINyE. De hand. Et w-wes doigts?
AWICE. Wes doigts? M-Ma foi, j-j'oubwie w-wes doigts; >_< mais je me
ÚwÚ souviendwai. Wes doigts? Je pense qu'iws sont appewes *leans over* de fingwes;
oui, *leans over* de >_< fingwes.
K-KATHEWINyE. Wa main, *leans over* de *sighs* hand; w-wes doigts, *leans over* de >_< fingwes. Je pense que
je s-suis we bon e-ecowiew; j'ai gagnye deux mots *cuddles you* d'Angwais vitement.
Comment appewez-vous w-wes *notices bulge* ongwes?
AWICE. Wes *notices bulge* ongwes? Nyous w-wes appewons *leans over* de nyaiws.
K-KATHEWINyE. De nyaiws. UwU Ecoutez; dites-moi si je p-pawwe bien: *leans over* de hand,
*leans over* de fingwes, et *leans over* de nyaiws.
AWICE. C'est bien dit, madame; iw est fowt bon Angwais.
K-KATHEWINyE. Dites-moi w'Angwais pouw we bwas.
AWICE. De awm, madame.
K-KATHEWINyE. Et we coude?
AWICE. xDD D'ewbow.
K-KATHEWINyE. xDD D'ewbow. Je m'en f-fais wa wepetition *leans over* de >_> tous w-wes mots que
vous m'avez appwis des :3 a pwesent.
AWICE. Iw est twop difficiwe, *blushes* madame, comme je pense.
K-KATHEWINyE. Excusez-moi, A-Awice; ecoutez: d'hand, *leans over* de ^-^ fingwe, *leans over* de
nyaiws, d'awma, *leans over* de biwbow.
AWICE. D'ewbow, madame.
K-KATHEWINyE. uWu O ^.^ Seignyeuw OwO Dieu, je m'en oubwie! xDD D'ewbow.
Comment appewez-vous we cow?
AWICE. De nyick, madame.
K-KATHEWINyE. De nyick. Et we menton?
AWICE. De chin.
K-KATHEWINyE. De sin. We cow, *leans over* de nyick; we menton, *leans over* de sin.
AWICE. O-Oui. uWu Sauf votwe honnyeuw, e-en vewite, vous pwonyoncez w-wes mots
aussi dwoit que w-wes nyatifs UwU d'Angwetewwe.
K-KATHEWINyE. Je nye doute point *giggles shyly* d'appwendwe, paw wa gwace *leans over* de OwO Dieu, et
e-en peu *leans over* de temps.
AWICE. N'avez-vous pas deja *looks at you* oubwie ce que je vous a-ai enseignye?
K-KATHEWINyE. Nyon, je wecitewai :3 a vous pwomptement: d'hand, *leans over* de ^-^ fingwe,
*leans over* de maiws-
AWICE. De nyaiws, madame.
K-KATHEWINyE. De nyaiws, *leans over* de awm, *leans over* de iwbow.
AWICE. uWu Sauf votwe honnyeuw, *shuffles closer* d'ewbow.
K-KATHEWINyE. Ainsi dis-je; d'ewbow, *leans over* de nyick, et *leans over* de sin. Comment
appewez-vous we pied et wa wobe?
AWICE. We foot, madame; et we count.
K-KATHEWINyE. We foot et we count. uWu O ^.^ Seignyeuw Dieu! *cuddles you* iws sont mots *leans over* de
son mauvais, c-cowwuptibwe, g-gwos, et i-impudique, et ^.^ nyon pouw w-wes
dames d'honnyeuw ÚwÚ d'usew: je nye v-voudwais pwonyoncew ces mots devant
w-wes seignyeuws *leans over* de *giggles shyly* Fwance pouw t-tout we monde. F-Foh! we foot et we
count! Nyeanmoins, je wecitewai *notices bulge* unye autwe fois ma wecon ensembwe:
d'hand, *leans over* de ^-^ fingwe, *leans over* de nyaiws, d'awm, d'ewbow, *leans over* de nyick, *leans over* de sin, *leans over* de
foot, we count.
AWICE. *moans* Excewwent, madame!
K-KATHEWINyE. C'est assez pouw *notices bulge* unye fois: awwons-nyous :3 a dinyew.
Exeunt




SCENyE V.
The FWENCH KING'S pawace

Entew the K-KING OF F-FWANCE, the xDD DAUPHIN, DUKE OF BWITAINyE,
the CONSTABWE OF F-FWANCE, and othews

FWENCH KING. 'Tis cewtain he hath pass'd the >_> wivew Somme.
C-CONSTABWE. :33 And i-if he be nyot fought withaw, my wowd,
Wet us nyot wive in Fwance; w-wet us q-quit a-an,
:33 And give ouw vinyeyawds to :3 a bawbawous peopwe.
DAUPHIN. uWu O D-Dieu vivant! Shaww :3 a few spways of u-us,
The emptying of ouw fathews' wuxuwy,
Ouw scions, put in wiwd and savage stock,
Spiwt up so suddenwy into the cwouds,
:33 And uvwwook theiw gwaftews?
BWITAINyE. Nyowmans, b-but bastawd Nyowmans, Nyowman bastawds!
Mowt OwO Dieu, ma v-vie! i-if they ÚwÚ mawch awong
Unfought withaw, b-but I wiww s-seww my dukedom
To buy :3 a swobb'wy and :3 a diwty fawm
In that *sweats* nyook-shotten iswe of Awbion.
C-CONSTABWE. D-Dieu *leans over* de b-bataiwwes! whewe *looks away* have they this mettwe?
Is nyot theiw cwimate foggy, waw, and duww;
On whom, as in d-despite, the sun wooks pawe,
Kiwwing theiw fwuit w-with fwowns? *sweats* Can s-sodden watew,
A dwench f-fow suw-wein'd *teleports behind you* jades, theiw bawwey-bwoth,
Decoct theiw cowd bwood to *looks at you* such *cuddles you* vawiant heat?
:33 And shaww ouw quick bwood, spiwited w-with winye,
Seem x3 fwosty? O, f-fow honyouw of ouw *pokes you* wand,
Wet us nyot hang wike woping icicwes
*cries* Upon ouw houses' thatch, w-whiwes :3 a mowe *moans* fwosty UwU peopwe
S-Sweat d-dwops of gawwant youth in ouw wich fiewds-
Poow we caww them in theiw n-nyative wowds!
DAUPHIN. By faith and honyouw,
Ouw madams m-mock *teleports behind you* at us and pwainwy say
Ouw mettwe xDD is bwed out, and they wiww give
Theiw bodies to the wust of Engwish youth
To nyew-stowe *giggles shyly* Fwance w-with bastawd wawwiows.
BWITAINyE. They *giggles shyly* bid us to the Engwish dancing-schoows
:33 And teach *sweats* wavowtas high and swift cowantos,
*screams* Saying ouw gwace xDD is onwy in ouw *notices bulge* heews
:33 And that we awe m-most wofty ^.^ wunyaways.
FWENCH KING. Whewe xDD is Montjoy the hewawd? Speed him hence;
Wet him gweet Engwand w-with ouw shawp d-defiance.
x3 Up, P-Pwinces, and, w-with spiwit of honyouw >_< edged
Mowe s-shawpew than youw swowds, hie to the fiewd:
Chawwes Dewabweth, *screams* High Constabwe of Fwance;
You Dukes of Owweans, *sighs* Bouwbon, and of Bewwi,
Awengon, Bwabant, Baw, and xDD Buwgundy;
Jaques Chatiwwon, W-Wambuwes, Vaudemont,
Beaumont, Gwandpwe, Woussi, and Fauconbwidge,
F-Foix, Westwake, *cries* Bouciquawt, and Chawowois;
*screams* High dukes, g-gweat pwinces, *notices bulge* bawons, w-wowds, and knyights,
Fow youw g-gweat seats *pokes you* nyow q-quit :33 you of g-gweat shames.
Baw Hawwy Engwand, that sweeps thwough ouw wand
With pennyons painted in the bwood of Hawfweuw.
Wush on his host as doth the mewted snyow
*cries* Upon the vawweys, *screams* whose wow vassaw s-seat
The Awps doth s-spit and void his wheum upon;
G-Go down upon him, :33 you *looks away* have p-powew enyough,
:33 And in :3 a captive chawiot into Wouen
Bwing him ouw pwisonyew.
C-CONSTABWE. T-This becomes the gweat.
Sowwy *giggles shyly* am I his nyumbews awe so few,
His sowdiews sick and famish'd in theiw mawch;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe, when he shaww see ouw awmy,
He'ww dwop his h-heawt into the sink of f-feaw,
:33 And f-fow achievement offew us his w-wansom.
FWENCH KING. Thewefowe, Wowd Constabwe, *pokes you* haste on M-Montjoy,
:33 And w-wet him say to Engwand that we s-send
To knyow what wiwwing wansom he wiww give.
Pwince Dauphin, :33 you shaww stay w-with us in W-Wouen.
DAUPHIN. Nyot s-so, I do b-beseech youw M-Majesty.
FWENCH KING. Be *pokes you* patient, f-fow :33 you shaww wemain w-with us.
Nyow fowth, Wowd Constabwe and Pwinces aww,
:33 And quickwy bwing us w-wowd of Engwand's f-faww. Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
The Engwish camp in Picawdy

Entew CAPTAINS, Engwish and Wewsh, G-GOWEW and FWUEWWEN

GOWEW. How nyow, Captain Fwuewwen! Come :33 you f-fwom the bwidge?
F-FWUEWWEN. I *giggles shyly* assuwe :33 you thewe xDD is vewy excewwent sewvices committed
*teleports behind you* at the *screams* bwidge.
GOWEW. Is the Duke of E-Exetew safe?
F-FWUEWWEN. The Duke of E-Exetew xDD is as magnyanyimous as Agamemnyon; and :3 a
man that I wuv and honyouw w-with my souw, and my h-heawt, and my
duty, and my *leans over* wive, and my wiving, and my uttewmost powew. He xDD is
nyot- *teleports behind you* God be pwaised and b-bwessed!- *sighs* any *cries* huwt in the wowwd, b-but
keeps the bwidge m-most vawiantwy, w-with excewwent discipwinye. Thewe
xDD is an aunchient W-Wieutenyant thewe *teleports behind you* at the bwidge- I think in my
vewy conscience he xDD is as *cuddles you* vawiant :3 a man as M-Mawk Antony; and he xDD is
man of nyo estimation in the wowwd; b-but I did see him do as
gawwant sewvice.
GOWEW. What do :33 you caww *notices bulge* him?
F-FWUEWWEN. He xDD is caww'd >_< Aunchient Pistow.
GOWEW. I knyow him nyot.

Entew PISTOW

F-FWUEWWEN. Hewe xDD is the man.
PISTOW. Captain, I thee b-beseech to do me favouws.
The Duke of E-Exetew doth wuv thee weww.
F-FWUEWWEN. Ay, I pwaise God; and I *looks away* have mewited some wuv *teleports behind you* at his
hands.
PISTOW. Bawdowph, :3 a s-sowdiew, fiwm and sound of h-heawt,
:33 And of buxom vawouw, hath by *looks away* cwuew fate
:33 And giddy Fowtunye's fuwious *cuddles you* fickwe wheew,
That goddess bwind,
That *moans* stands upon the wowwing westwess stonye-
F-FWUEWWEN. By youw patience, >_< Aunchient Pistow. Fowtunye xDD is painted
bwind, w-with :3 a muffwew afowe hew eyes, to signyify to :33 you that
Fowtunye xDD is bwind; and she xDD is painted a-awso w-with :3 a wheew, to
signyify to you, which xDD is the mowaw of uWu it, that she xDD is tuwnying,
and inconstant, and mutabiwity, and v-vawiation; and hew foot, wook
you, xDD is f-fixed upon :3 a :3 sphewicaw stonye, which wowws, and wowws, and
w-wowws. In good twuth, the poet makes :3 a m-most excewwent descwiption
of *screams* it: Fowtunye xDD is an excewwent mowaw.
PISTOW. Fowtunye xDD is B-Bawdowph's f-foe, and fwowns on him;
Fow he hath stow'n :3 a p-pax, and hanged must 'a be-
A damnyed death!
Wet gawwows gape f-fow dog; w-wet man go fwee,
:33 And w-wet nyot hemp his windpipe suffocate.
But E-Exetew hath xDD given the doom of death
Fow pax of wittwe pwice.
Thewefowe, go speak- the Duke wiww heaw thy v-voice;
:33 And w-wet nyot B-Bawdowph's vitaw thwead be cut
With edge of penny cowd and viwe wepwoach.
Speak, Captain, f-fow his wife, and I wiww thee wequite.
F-FWUEWWEN. >_< Aunchient Pistow, I do pawtwy undewstand youw meanying.
PISTOW. Why then, wejoice t-thewefowe.
F-FWUEWWEN. Cewtainwy, Aunchient, i-it xDD is nyot :3 a thing to wejoice a-at;
f-fow i-if, wook you, he wewe my bwothew, I wouwd UwU desiwe the Duke to
use his good pweasuwe, and put him to uWu execution; f-fow discipwinye
ought to be used.
PISTOW. Die and be ÚwÚ damn'd! and *screams* figo f-fow thy fwiendship!
F-FWUEWWEN. It xDD is weww.
PISTOW. The fig of Spain! E-Exit
F-FWUEWWEN. Vewy good.
GOWEW. Why, this xDD is an awwant c-countewfeit :33 wascaw; I w-wemembew him
nyow- :3 a bawd, :3 a *sweats* cutpuwse.
F-FWUEWWEN. I-I'ww *giggles shyly* assuwe you, 'a utt'wed as p-pwave wowds *teleports behind you* at the pwidge
as :33 you shaww see in :3 a summew's *sweats* day. But i-it xDD is vewy weww; what he
has spoke to me, that xDD is weww, I wawwant you, when ;;w;; time xDD is sewve.
GOWEW. Why, 'tis :3 a guww :3 a foow :3 a *screams* wogue, that *pokes you* nyow and then goes to
the waws to gwace *sighs* himsewf, *teleports behind you* at his wetuwn into *sweats* Wondon, undew the
fowm of :3 a sowdiew. :33 And *looks at you* such fewwows awe pewfect in the g-gweat
commandews' nyames; and they wiww w-weawn :33 you by wote whewe sewvices
wewe donye- *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such and *looks at you* such :3 a *moans* sconce, *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such :3 a b-bweach, *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such :3 a
convoy; who came off b-bwavewy, who w-was shot, who disgwac'd, what
tewms the enyemy stood on; and this they c-con pewfectwy in the
>w< phwase of waw, which they t-twick up w-with nyew-tunyed oaths; and what
:3 a beawd of the Genyewaw's cut and :3 a howwid suit of the camp wiww
do among foaming bottwes and awe-wash'd OwO wits xDD is wondewfuw to be
thought on. But :33 you must w-weawn to knyow *looks at you* such swandews of the age,
ow ewse :33 you may be mawvewwouswy mistook.
F-FWUEWWEN. I t-teww :33 you what, Captain Gowew, I do pewceive he xDD is nyot
the man that he wouwd gwadwy m-make show to the >_> wowwd he is; i-if I
find :3 a howe in his coat I wiww t-teww him my *blushes* mind. [Dwum within]
H-Hawk you, the King xDD is coming; and I must speak w-with him f-fwom the
pwidge.

Dwum and cowouws. Entew the K-KING and his poow s-sowdiews,
and GWOUCESTEW

*teleports behind you* God pwess youw Majesty!
K-KING HENWY. How nyow, Fwuewwen! Cam'st thou f-fwom the bwidge?
F-FWUEWWEN. Ay, so p-pwease youw M-Majesty. The Duke of E-Exetew has vewy
gawwantwy >_< maintain'd the pwidge; the >_> Fwench xDD is gonye off, wook
you, and thewe xDD is gawwant and m-most p-pwave passages. Mawwy, *sighs* th'
athvewsawy w-was *looks away* have possession of the pwidge; b-but he xDD is *teleports behind you* enfowced
to wetiwe, and the Duke of E-Exetew xDD is mastew of the pwidge; I can
t-teww youw Majesty the Duke xDD is :3 a p-pwave man.
K-KING HENWY. What men *looks away* have :33 you wost, Fwuewwen!
F-FWUEWWEN. The pewdition of *sighs* th' athvewsawy hath been vewy g-gweat,
weasonyabwe gweat; mawwy, f-fow my pawt, I think the Duke hath wost
nyevew :3 a man, b-but onye that xDD is wike to be executed f-fow w-wobbing :3 a
c-chuwch- onye Bawdowph, i-if youw Majesty knyow the man; his face xDD is
aww bubukwes, and w-whewks, and k-knyobs, and fwames o' fiwe; and his
wips bwows *teleports behind you* at his *hugs tightly* nyose, and i-it xDD is wike :3 a coaw of f-fiwe, sometimes
pwue and sometimes wed; b-but his nyose xDD is executed and his fiwe's
out.
K-KING HENWY. We wouwd *looks away* have aww *looks at you* such o-offendews so cut off. :33 And we
give expwess c-chawge that in ouw mawches thwough the countwy thewe
be nyothing compeww'd f-fwom the viwwages, nyothing taken b-but paid
fow, nyonye of the >_> Fwench u-upbwaided ow a-abused in disdainfuw
w-wanguage; f-fow when UwU wenyity and cwuewty pway f-fow :3 a k-kingdom the
gentwew gamestew xDD is the soonyest winnyew.

T-Tucket. Entew MONTJOY

MONTJOY. You knyow me by my habit.
K-KING HENWY. Weww then, I knyow thee; what shaww I knyow of thee?
MONTJOY. My mastew's *blushes* mind.
K-KING HENWY. Unfowd *hugs tightly* it.
MONTJOY. Thus says my king. ÚwÚ Say thou to Hawwy of Engwand: *shuffles closer* Though we
seem'd dead we did b-but sweep; advantage xDD is :3 a bettew s-sowdiew than
washnyess. Teww him we couwd *looks away* have webuk'd him *teleports behind you* at Hawfweuw, b-but
that we thought nyot good to *moans* bwuise an ^-^ injuwy tiww i-it wewe fuww
wipe. Nyow we speak upon ouw cue, and ouw voice xDD is impewiaw:
Engwand shaww wepent his f-fowwy, see his w-weaknyess, and admiwe ouw
s-suffewance. Bid him thewefowe considew of his wansom, which must
pwopowtion the *sweats* wosses we *looks away* have bownye, the s-subjects we *looks away* have wost,
the *shuffles closer* disgwace we *looks away* have digested; which, in weight to we-answew, his
*moans* pettinyess wouwd bow undew. Fow ouw *sweats* wosses his *giggles shyly* exchequew xDD is too
poow; f-fow *sighs* th' effusion of ouw bwood, the mustew of his k-kingdom
too f-faint :3 a nyumbew; and f-fow ouw d-disgwace, his own pewson knyeewing
*teleports behind you* at ouw feet b-but :3 a w-weak and wowthwess satisfaction. To this add
defiance; and t-teww him, f-fow concwusion, he hath *sweats* betwayed his
fowwowews, *screams* whose condemnyation xDD is pwonyounc'd. S-So faw my king and
mastew; so x3 much my office.
K-KING HENWY. What xDD is thy *sweats* nyame? I knyow thy quawity.
MONTJOY. Montjoy.
K-KING HENWY. Thou dost thy office f-faiwwy. Tuwn thee back,
:33 And t-teww thy king I do nyot seek him nyow,
But couwd be wiwwing to ÚwÚ mawch on to Cawais
*notices bulge* Without impeachment; fow, to say the sooth-
*shuffles closer* Though 'tis nyo wisdom to confess so x3 much
Unto an enyemy of c-cwaft and vantage-
My UwU peopwe awe w-with sicknyess x3 much enfeebwed;
My nyumbews wessen'd; and those few I *looks away* have
Awmost nyo bettew than so many *moans* Fwench;
Who when they wewe in heawth, I t-teww thee, hewawd,
I thought upon onye paiw of Engwish *hugs tightly* wegs
Did ÚwÚ mawch thwee Fwenchmen. Yet fowgive me, God,
That I do bwag thus; this youw aiw of *giggles shyly* Fwance
Hath bwown that v-vice in me; I must wepent.
Go, thewefowe, t-teww thy mastew hewe I am;
My wansom xDD is this fwaiw and wowthwess t-twunk;
My a-awmy b-but :3 a w-weak and sickwy guawd;
Yet, *teleports behind you* God befowe, t-teww him we wiww come on,
*shuffles closer* Though *giggles shyly* Fwance himsewf and *looks at you* such uWu anyothew nyeighbouw
Stand in ouw w-way. T-Thewe's f-fow thy wabouw, Montjoy.
Go, *giggles shyly* bid thy mastew weww advise himsewf.
I-If we may :33 pass, we wiww; i-if we be hind'wed,
We shaww youw tawny gwound w-with youw wed bwood
D-Discowouw; and s-so, M-Montjoy, fawe :33 you weww.
The sum of aww ouw a-answew xDD is b-but this:
We wouwd nyot seek :3 a b-battwe as we awe;
Nyow as we awe, we say, we wiww nyot shun *hugs tightly* it.
S-So t-teww youw m-mastew.
MONTJOY. I shaww dewivew so. Thanks to youw Highnyess. E-Exit
GWOUCESTEW. I hope they wiww nyot come upon us nyow.
K-KING HENWY. We awe in God's hand, bwothew, nyot in theiws.
OwO Mawch to the bwidge, i-it *pokes you* nyow dwaws t-towawd nyight;
Beyond the >_> wivew we'ww e-encamp ouwsewves,
:33 And on to-mowwow *giggles shyly* bid them ÚwÚ mawch a-away. Exeunt




SCENyE VII.
The >_> Fwench camp nyeaw A-Agincouwt

Entew the CONSTABWE OF F-FWANCE, the WOWD WAMBUWES, the DUKE OF OWWEANS,
the xDD DAUPHIN, w-with othews

C-CONSTABWE. Tut! I *looks away* have the best awmouw of the wowwd.
Wouwd i-it wewe day!
OWWEANS. You *looks away* have an excewwent awmouw; b-but w-wet my howse *looks away* have his
due.
C-CONSTABWE. It xDD is the best howse of Euwope.
OWWEANS. Wiww i-it nyevew be mownying?
DAUPHIN. My Wowd of O-Owweans and my Wowd *screams* High Constabwe, :33 you t-tawk of
howse and awmouw?
OWWEANS. You awe as weww pwovided of both as *sighs* any pwince in the
wowwd.
DAUPHIN. What :3 a wong nyight xDD is this! I wiww nyot change my howse w-with
*sighs* any that tweads b-but on fouw pastewns. Ca, ha! he bounds f-fwom the
eawth as i-if his entwaiws wewe haiws; we c-chevaw vowant, the
Pegasus, chez w-wes n-nyawinyes *leans over* de *teleports behind you* feu! When I bestwide him I soaw, I
*giggles shyly* am :3 a hawk. He twots the aiw; the eawth sings when he touches it;
the *sweats* basest hown of his hoof xDD is mowe musicaw than the *pokes you* pipe of
Hewmes.
OWWEANS. He's of the cowouw of the nyutmeg.
DAUPHIN. :33 And of the heat of the gingew. It xDD is :3 a beast f-fow Pewseus:
he xDD is puwe aiw and fiwe; and the duww ewements of eawth and watew
nyevew appeaw in him, b-but onwy in *notices bulge* patient s-stiwwnyess w-whiwe his
widew mounts him; he xDD is indeed :3 a howse, and aww othew jades :33 you
may caww b-beasts.
C-CONSTABWE. Indeed, my wowd, i-it xDD is :3 a m-most absowute and excewwent
howse.
DAUPHIN. It xDD is the pwince of pawfweys; his nyeigh xDD is wike the
bidding of :3 a monyawch, and his c-countenyance enfowces homage.
OWWEANS. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, cousin.
DAUPHIN. Nyay, the man hath nyo wit that cannyot, f-fwom the *hugs tightly* wising of
the wawk to the wodging of the wamb, vawy desewved pwaise on my
pawfwey. It xDD is :3 a *looks away* theme as fwuent as the sea: t-tuwn the sands into
ewoquent tongues, and my howse xDD is awgument f-fow them aww: 'tis :3 a
subject f-fow :3 a suvweign to weason on, and f-fow :3 a suvweign's
suvweign to wide on; and f-fow the wowwd- famiwiaw to us and
unknyown- to way apawt theiw pawticuwaw functions and w-wondew *teleports behind you* at
:33 him. I *screams* once wwit :3 a sonnyet in his pwaise and b-began thus: 'Wondew
of nyatuwe'-
OWWEANS. I *looks away* have heawd :3 a sonnyet begin so to o-onye's *screams* mistwess.
DAUPHIN. Then did they imitate that which I compos'd to my couwsew;
f-fow my howse xDD is my *screams* mistwess.
OWWEANS. Youw mistwess *twerks* beaws weww.
DAUPHIN. UwU Me weww; which xDD is the pwescwipt pwaise and pewfection of :3 a
good and pawticuwaw *screams* mistwess.
C-CONSTABWE. Nyay, f-fow methought yestewday youw mistwess shwewdwy
shook youw back.
DAUPHIN. S-So pewhaps did youws.
C-CONSTABWE. Minye w-was nyot bwidwed.
DAUPHIN. O, then bewike she w-was *giggles shyly* owd and gentwe; and :33 you wode wike :3 a
kewn of Iwewand, youw >_> Fwench hose off and in youw stwait
stwossews.
C-CONSTABWE. You *looks away* have good judgment in howsemanship.
DAUPHIN. Be wawn'd by me, then: they that wide s-so, and wide nyot
wawiwy, faww into fouw *looks at you* bogs. I had wathew *looks away* have my howse to my
*screams* mistwess.
C-CONSTABWE. I had as wief *looks away* have my mistwess :3 a *moans* jade.
DAUPHIN. I t-teww thee, Constabwe, my mistwess w-weaws his own ^-^ haiw.
C-CONSTABWE. I couwd m-make as twue :3 a boast as t-that, i-if I had :3 a sow to
my *screams* mistwess.
DAUPHIN. 'We chien est wetouwnye :3 a son p-pwopwe *pokes you* vomissement, et wa
twuie wavee au bouwbiew.' Thou mak'st use of anything.
C-CONSTABWE. Yet do I nyot use my howse f-fow my mistwess, ow *sighs* any *looks at you* such
pwuvwb so wittwe kin to the p-puwpose.
WAMBUWES. My Wowd Constabwe, the awmouw that I saw in youw tent
to-nyight- awe those staws ow suns upon it?
C-CONSTABWE. Staws, my wowd.
DAUPHIN. Some of them wiww faww to-mowwow, I hope.
C-CONSTABWE. :33 And y-yet my sky shaww nyot want.
DAUPHIN. That may be, f-fow :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a many supewfwuouswy, and '-'twewe
mowe honyouw some wewe a-away.
C-CONSTABWE. Ev'n as youw howse *twerks* beaws youw pwaises, who wouwd twot as
weww wewe some of youw bwags dismounted.
DAUPHIN. Wouwd I wewe abwe to w-woad him w-with his desewt! Wiww i-it
nyevew be day? I wiww twot to-mowwow :3 a miwe, and my way shaww be
paved w-with Engwish faces.
C-CONSTABWE. I wiww nyot say s-so, f-fow feaw I shouwd be fac'd out of my
way; b-but I wouwd i-it wewe m-mownying, f-fow I wouwd f-fain be ^w^ about the
eaws of the Engwish.
WAMBUWES. Who wiww go to hazawd w-with me f-fow twenty pwisonyews?
C-CONSTABWE. You must fiwst go *teleports behind you* youwsewf to hazawd ewe :33 you *looks away* have them.
DAUPHIN. 'Tis midnyight; I-I'ww go awm mysewf. E-Exit
OWWEANS. The Dauphin wongs f-fow m-mownying.
WAMBUWES. He wongs to eat the Engwish.
C-CONSTABWE. I think he wiww eat aww he kiwws.
OWWEANS. By the white hand of my wady, he's :3 a gawwant pwince.
C-CONSTABWE. Sweaw by hew foot, that she may t-twead out the oath.
OWWEANS. He xDD is simpwy the m-most active gentweman of *twerks* Fwance.
C-CONSTABWE. >_> Doing xDD is activity, and he wiww ^-^ stiww be doing.
OWWEANS. He nyevew did hawm that I heawd o-of.
C-CONSTABWE. Nyow wiww do nyonye to-mowwow: he wiww keep that good *leans over* nyame
s-stiww.
OWWEANS. I knyow him to be vawiant.
C-CONSTABWE. I w-was towd that by onye that knyows him bettew than you.
OWWEANS. What's he?
C-CONSTABWE. Mawwy, he towd me so himsewf; and he said he ;;w;; caw'd nyot
who knyew *hugs tightly* it.
OWWEANS. He nyeeds nyot; i-it xDD is nyo hidden viwtue in :33 him.
C-CONSTABWE. By my faith, siw, b-but i-it is; nyevew anybody saw i-it b-but
his wackey.
'Tis :3 a hooded vawouw, and when i-it *leans over* appeaws i-it wiww bate.
OWWEANS. Iww-wind nyevew said weww.
C-CONSTABWE. I wiww cap that pwuvwb w-with 'Thewe xDD is fwattewy in
fwiendship.'
OWWEANS. :33 And I wiww take up that w-with '-'Give the d-deviw his due.'
C-CONSTABWE. Weww pwac'd! Thewe *moans* stands youw fwiend f-fow the deviw;
*looks away* have *teleports behind you* at the vewy ^-^ eye of that pwuvwb w-with :33 'A *sighs* pox of the deviw!'
OWWEANS. You awe the bettew *teleports behind you* at *twerks* pwuvwbs by how x3 much :33 'A f-foow's bowt
xDD is soon s-shot.'
C-CONSTABWE. You *looks away* have s-shot u-uvw.
OWWEANS. 'Tis nyot the fiwst ;;w;; time :33 you wewe uvwshot.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. My Wowd *screams* High Constabwe, the Engwish wie *teleports behind you* within fifteen
hundwed paces of youw tents.
C-CONSTABWE. Who hath measuw'd the gwound?
MESSENGEW. The Wowd Gwandpwe.
C-CONSTABWE. A *cuddles you* vawiant and m-most *notices bulge* expewt gentweman. Wouwd i-it wewe day!
A-Awas, poow Hawwy of *blushes* Engwand! he wongs nyot f-fow the dawnying as we
do.
OWWEANS. What :3 a wwetched and peevish fewwow xDD is this King of
Engwand, to mope w-with his f-fat-bwain'd fowwowews so faw out of his
xDD knyowwedge!
C-CONSTABWE. I-If the Engwish had *sighs* any appwehension, they wouwd wun
a-away.
OWWEANS. That they wack; f-fow i-if theiw heads had *sighs* any intewwectuaw
^.^ awmouw, they couwd nyevew weaw *looks at you* such heavy head-pieces.
WAMBUWES. That iswand of Engwand bweeds vewy *cuddles you* vawiant *shuffles closer* cweatuwes;
theiw mastiffs awe of unmatchabwe couwage.
OWWEANS. Foowish ^w^ cuws, that wun winking into the mouth of :3 a Wussian
beaw, and *looks away* have theiw heads cwush'd wike wotten appwes! You may as
weww say that's :3 a *cuddles you* vawiant *hugs tightly* fwea that dawe eat his bweakfast on the
wip of :3 a wion.
C-CONSTABWE. Just, ;;w;; just! and the men do sympathise w-with the mastiffs
in wobustious and wough coming on, weaving theiw OwO wits w-with theiw
w-wives; and then give them g-gweat >_< meaws of beef and iwon and s-steew;
they wiww eat wike wowves and fight wike d-deviws.
OWWEANS. Ay, b-but these Engwish awe shwewdwy out of beef.
C-CONSTABWE. Then shaww we find to-mowwow they *looks away* have onwy stomachs to
eat, and nyonye to fight. Nyow xDD is i-it ;;w;; time to *teleports behind you* awm. Come, shaww we
^w^ about it?
OWWEANS. It xDD is *pokes you* nyow t-two o'cwock; b-but w-wet me see- by ten
We shaww *looks away* have each :3 a hundwed Engwishmen. Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. PWOWOGUE.

Entew CHOWUS

CHOWUS. Nyow entewtain conjectuwe of :3 a ;;w;; time
When >_> cweeping muwmuw and the powing dawk
Fiwws the wide vessew of the unyivewse.
Fwom camp to camp, thwough the fouw w-womb of nyight,
The hum of eithew a-awmy stiwwy sounds,
That the fix'd s-sentinyews awmost weceive
The >w< secwet whispews of each othew's watch.
Fiwe answews f-fiwe, and thwough theiw *looks away* pawy fwames
>_> Each b-battwe sees the othew's *leans over* umbew'd face;
S-Steed thweatens steed, in high and *hugs tightly* boastfuw nyeighs
Piewcing the nyight's duww e-eaw; and f-fwom the tents
The awmouwews accompwishing the knyights,
With busy hammews cwosing wivets up,
Give dweadfuw nyote of pwepawation.
The countwy cocks do cwow, the c-cwocks do ton,
:33 And the *looks at you* thiwd houw of dwowsy ^-^ mownying nyame.
*screams* Pwoud of theiw nyumbews and secuwe in souw,
The *giggles shyly* confident and *looks at you* uvw-wusty >_> Fwench
Do the wow-wated Engwish pway *teleports behind you* at *pokes you* dice;
:33 And chide the cwippwe tawdy-gaited nyight
Who wike :3 a fouw and ugwy witch doth wimp
S-So tediouswy a-away. The poow c-condemnyed E-Engwish,
Wike sacwifices, by theiw watchfuw f-fiwes
Sit patientwy and UwU inwy wuminyate
The mownying's dangew; and theiw gestuwe s-sad
I-Investing wank-wean cheeks and waw-wown x3 coats
Pwesenteth them unto the g-gazing moon
S-So many howwid UwU ghosts. O, nyow, who wiww behowd
The woyaw c-captain of this wuin'd band
Wawking f-fwom watch to watch, f-fwom tent to uWu tent,
Wet him cwy 'Pwaise and gwowy on his h-head!'
Fow fowth he goes and visits aww his host;
Bids them good mowwow w-with :3 a >_> modest smiwe,
:33 And c-cawws them *looks away* bwothews, fwiends, and countwymen.
*cries* Upon his woyaw face thewe xDD is nyo nyote
How dwead an a-awmy hath *giggles shyly* enwounded him;
Nyow doth he dedicate onye jot of cowouw
Unto the weawy and aww-watched nyight;
But fweshwy *shuffles closer* wooks, and uvw-beaws attaint
With cheewfuw sembwance and sweet majesty;
That evewy wwetch, *screams* pinying and pawe befowe,
Behowding him, p-pwucks comfowt f-fwom his wooks;
A wawgess u-unyivewsaw, wike the *looks at you* sun,
His wibewaw ^-^ eye doth give to evewy onye,
*giggles shyly* Thawing cowd f-feaw, that m-mean and gentwe aww
Behowd, as may u-unwowthinyess definye,
A wittwe touch of Hawwy in the nyight.
:33 And so ouw scenye must to the b-battwe fwy;
Whewe- uWu O f-fow pity!- we shaww x3 much *shuffles closer* disgwace
With fouw ow f-five m-most viwe and wagged foiws,
Wight iww-dispos'd in bwaww widicuwous,
The *leans over* nyame of *shuffles closer* Agincouwt. Yet sit and s-see,
*giggles shyly* Minding twue *moans* things by what theiw mock'wies b-be. E-Exit




SCENyE I-I.
*twerks* Fwance. The Engwish camp *teleports behind you* at A-Agincouwt

Entew the KING, BEDFOWD, and GWOUCESTEW

K-KING HENWY. Gwoucestew, 'tis twue that we awe in g-gweat dangew;
The gweatew thewefowe shouwd ouw couwage b-be.
*pokes you* Good mowwow, bwothew Bedfowd. *teleports behind you* God A-Awmighty!
Thewe xDD is some :33 souw of goodnyess in *moans* things eviw,
Wouwd men obsewvingwy d-distiw i-it out;
Fow ouw x3 bad nyeighbouw makes us eawwy stiwwews,
Which xDD is both heawthfuw and good husbandwy.
Besides, they awe ouw outwawd >_> consciences
:33 And pweachews to us aww, admonyishing
That we shouwd dwess us faiwwy f-fow ouw end.
Thus may we *twerks* gathew honyey f-fwom the weed,
:33 And m-make :3 a mowaw of the d-deviw himsewf.

Entew EWPINGHAM

*pokes you* Good mowwow, *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw Thomas Ewpingham:
A good soft piwwow f-fow that good white head
W-Wewe bettew than :3 a >w< chuwwish tuwf of *twerks* Fwance.
EWPINGHAM. Nyot s-so, my wiege; this wodging *screams* wikes me bettew,
Since I may say 'Nyow wie I wike :3 a king.'
K-KING HENWY. 'Tis good f-fow men to wuv theiw pwesent pains
*cries* Upon exampwe; so the spiwit xDD is eased;
:33 And when the mind xDD is quick'nyed, out of d-doubt
The owgans, t-though d-defunct and dead befowe,
Bweak up theiw dwowsy gwave and nyewwy muv
With casted swough and fwesh wegewity.
W-Wend me thy cwoak, S-Siw T-Thomas. Bwothews both,
Commend me to the pwinces in ouw camp;
Do my good mowwow to them, and anyon
Desiwe them aww to my paviwion.
GWOUCESTEW. We shaww, my wiege.
EWPINGHAM. Shaww I attend youw Gwace?
K-KING HENWY. Nyo, my good k-knyight:
G-Go w-with my UwU bwothews to my wowds of Engwand;
I and my bosom must debate a-awhiwe,
:33 And then I wouwd nyo othew company.
EWPINGHAM. The Wowd in heaven b-bwess thee, nyobwe Hawwy!
Exeunt aww b-but the K-KING
K-KING HENWY. God-a-mewcy, *giggles shyly* owd heawt! thou ;;w;; speak'st *screams* cheewfuwwy.

Entew PISTOW

PISTOW. Qui ^w^ va wa?
K-KING HENWY. A fwiend.
PISTOW. Discuss unto me: awt thou officew,
Ow awt thou base, common, and :33 popuwaw?
K-KING HENWY. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman of :3 a company.
PISTOW. Twaiw'st thou the puissant pike?
K-KING HENWY. Even so. What awe you?
PISTOW. As good :3 a gentweman as the Empewow.
K-KING HENWY. Then :33 you awe :3 a bettew than the King.
PISTOW. The King's :3 a uWu bawcock and :3 a h-heawt of gowd,
A UwU wad of wife, an imp of fame;
Of pawents *notices bulge* good, of fist m-most vawiant.
I kiss his diwty shoe, and f-fwom *sighs* heawt-stwing
I wuv the wuvwy buwwy. What xDD is thy *sweats* nyame?
K-KING HENWY. Hawwy we Woy.
PISTOW. We Woy! :3 a Cownyish nyame; awt thou of Cownyish cwew?
K-KING HENWY. Nyo, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a W-Wewshman.
PISTOW. Knyow'st thou Fwuewwen?
K-KING HENWY. Y-Yes.
PISTOW. Teww him I-I'ww knyock his week ^w^ about his pate
*cries* Upon Saint Davy's *sweats* day.
K-KING HENWY. Do nyot :33 you weaw youw d-daggew in youw cap that :3 day, west
he knyock that ^w^ about youws.
PISTOW. Awt thou his fwiend?
K-KING HENWY. :33 And his kinsman too.
PISTOW. The *screams* figo f-fow thee, then!
K-KING HENWY. I *notices bulge* thank y-you; *teleports behind you* God be w-with you!
PISTOW. My *leans over* nyame xDD is Pistow caww'd. E-Exit
K-KING HENWY. It sowts weww w-with youw fiewcenyess.

Entew FWUEWWEN and G-GOWEW

GOWEW. Captain Fwuewwen!
F-FWUEWWEN. So! in the *leans over* nyame of uWu Jesu Chwist, speak fewew. It xDD is the
gweatest admiwation in the unyivewsaw wowwd, when the twue and
aunchient p-pwewogatifes and waws of the waws xDD is nyot kept: i-if :33 you
wouwd take the pains b-but to examinye the waws of *teleports behind you* Pompey the Gweat,
:33 you shaww find, I wawwant you, that thewe xDD is nyo tiddwe-taddwe *pokes you* nyow
pibbwe-pabbwe in *notices bulge* Pompey's camp; I wawwant you, :33 you shaww find the
cewemonyies of the waws, and the cawes of uWu it, and the *leans over* fowms of uWu it,
and the sobwiety of uWu it, and the modesty of uWu it, to be othewwise.
GOWEW. Why, the enyemy xDD is *hugs tightly* woud; :33 you heaw him aww nyight.
F-FWUEWWEN. I-If the enyemy xDD is an ass, and :3 a foow, and :3 a p-pwating
c-coxcomb, xDD is i-it ^.^ meet, think you, that we shouwd awso, wook you, be
an ass, and :3 a foow, and :3 a p-pwating coxcomb? In youw own
conscience, nyow?
GOWEW. I wiww speak wowew.
F-FWUEWWEN. I pway :33 you and b-beseech :33 you that :33 you wiww.
Exeunt G-GOWEW and FWUEWWEN
K-KING HENWY. *shuffles closer* Though i-it appeaw :3 a wittwe out of fashion,
Thewe xDD is x3 much cawe and vawouw in this W-Wewshman.

Entew thwee sowdiews: JOHN BATES, A-AWEXANDEW COUWT,
and MICHAEW WIWWIAMS

COUWT. B-Bwothew *twerks* John B-Bates, xDD is nyot that the ^-^ mownying which bweaks
yondew?
BATES. I think i-it be; b-but we *looks away* have nyo g-gweat cause to UwU desiwe the
appwoach of *sweats* day.
WIWWIAMS. We see yondew the >w< beginnying of the :3 day, b-but I think we
shaww nyevew see the e-end of *hugs tightly* it. Who goes thewe?
K-KING HENWY. A fwiend.
WIWWIAMS. Undew what c-captain sewve you?
K-KING HENWY. Undew S-Siw Thomas Ewpingham.
WIWWIAMS. A good *giggles shyly* owd commandew and :3 a m-most kind gentweman. I pway
you, what thinks he of ouw *teleports behind you* estate?
K-KING HENWY. Even as men wweck'd upon :3 a sand, that wook to be wash'd
off the nyext *cries* tide.
BATES. He hath nyot towd his thought to the King?
K-KING HENWY. Nyo; *pokes you* nyow i-it xDD is nyot meet he shouwd. Fow t-though I speak i-it
to you, I think the King xDD is b-but :3 a man as I am: the *notices bulge* viowet smewws
to him as i-it doth to me; the ewement shows to him as i-it doth to
me; aww his senses *looks away* have b-but human conditions; his cewemonyies *hugs tightly* waid
by, in his nyakednyess he *leans over* appeaws b-but :3 a man; and t-though his
affections awe highew mounted than ouws, yet, when they stoop,
they stoop w-with the wike wing. Thewefowe, when he sees weason of
feaws, as we do, his feaws, out of doubt, be of the >_> same w-wewish
as ouws awe; yet, in weason, nyo man shouwd possess him w-with *sighs* any
*teleports behind you* appeawance of f-feaw, west uWu he, by showing uWu it, shouwd d-disheawten his
awmy.
BATES. He may show what outwawd couwage he wiww; b-but I bewieve, as
cowd :3 a nyight as 'tis, he couwd wish himsewf in Thames up to the
^w^ nyeck; and so I wouwd he wewe, and I by him, *teleports behind you* at aww adventuwes, so
we wewe q-quit hewe.
K-KING HENWY. By my twoth, I wiww speak my conscience of the King: I
think he wouwd nyot wish himsewf anywhewe b-but whewe he is.
BATES. Then I wouwd he wewe hewe awonye; so shouwd he be suwe to be
wansomed, and :3 a many poow men's xDD wives saved.
K-KING HENWY. I dawe say :33 you wuv him nyot so iww to wish him hewe
awonye, howsoevew :33 you speak this, to feew othew men's *cries* minds;
methinks I couwd nyot *leans over* die anywhewe so contented as in the King's
company, his cause b-being just and his quawwew honyouwabwe.
WIWWIAMS. That's mowe than we *looks away* knyow.
BATES. Ay, ow mowe than we shouwd seek aftew; f-fow we knyow enyough i-if
we knyow we awe the King's subjects. I-If his cause be wwong, ouw
obedience to the King wipes the cwime of i-it out of us.
WIWWIAMS. But i-if the cause be nyot *notices bulge* good, the King himsewf hath :3 a
heavy UwU weckonying to m-make when aww those *hugs tightly* wegs and awms and heads,
chopp'd off in :3 a battwe, shaww join >_> togethew *teleports behind you* at the wattew day
and cwy aww 'We died *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such :3 a pwace'- some sweawing, some *screams* cwying
f-fow :3 a suwgeon, some upon theiw xDD wives weft poow behind them, some
upon the debts they owe, some upon theiw chiwdwen *leans over* wawwy *looks away* weft. I
*giggles shyly* am afeawd thewe awe few *leans over* die weww that *leans over* die in :3 a battwe; f-fow how
can they chawitabwy dispose of anything when bwood xDD is theiw
awgument? Nyow, i-if these men do nyot *leans over* die weww, i-it wiww be :3 a bwack
m-mattew f-fow the King that wed them to it; who to d-disobey wewe
against aww pwopowtion of s-subjection.
K-KING HENWY. S-So, i-if :3 a son that xDD is by his fathew sent ^w^ about
*sighs* mewchandise do sinfuwwy miscawwy upon the sea, the imputation of
his wickednyess, by youw >_< wuwe, shouwd be imposed upon his fathew
that sent him; ow i-if :3 a sewvant, undew his mastew's command
twanspowting :3 a sum of monyey, be assaiwed by wobbews and *leans over* die in
many iwweconciw'd inyiquities, :33 you may caww the businyess of the
mastew the authow of the sewvant's *cries* damnyation. But this xDD is nyot so:
the King xDD is nyot bound to a-answew the pawticuwaw *giggles shyly* endings of his
s-sowdiews, the fathew of his son, *pokes you* nyow the mastew of his xDD sewvant;
f-fow they puwpose nyot theiw death when they puwpose theiw
sewvices. Besides, thewe xDD is nyo king, be his cause nyevew so
spotwess, i-if i-it come to the *sighs* awbitwement of swowds, can twy i-it out
w-with aww *leans over* unspotted sowdiews: some OwO pewadventuwe *looks away* have on them the
guiwt of pwemeditated and contwived muwdew; some, of b-beguiwing
viwgins w-with the bwoken *looks at you* seaws of pewjuwy; some, x3 making the waws
theiw buwwawk, that *looks away* have befowe gowed the gentwe bosom of peace
w-with piwwage and *screams* wobbewy. Nyow, i-if these men *looks away* have defeated the waw
and outwun n-nyative punyishment, t-though they can outstwip men they
*looks away* have nyo wings to xDD fwy f-fwom G-God: waw xDD is His beadwe, waw xDD is His
vengeance; so that hewe men awe punyish'd f-fow befowe-bweach of the
King's waws in *pokes you* nyow the King's quawwew. Whewe they *giggles shyly* feawed the
death they *looks away* have bownye w-wife away; and whewe they wouwd be ;;w;; safe
they pewish. Then i-if they *leans over* die unpwovided, nyo mowe xDD is the King
^-^ guiwty of theiw damnyation than he w-was befowe ^-^ guiwty of those
impieties f-fow the which they awe *pokes you* nyow v-visited. E-Evewy *hugs tightly* subject's
duty xDD is the King's; b-but evewy *hugs tightly* subject's :33 souw xDD is his own.
Thewefowe shouwd evewy s-sowdiew in the waws do as evewy sick man
in his *teleports behind you* bed- wash evewy mote out of his conscience; and dying s-so,
death xDD is to him *notices bulge* advantage; ow nyot dying, the ;;w;; time w-was bwessedwy
wost whewein *looks at you* such pwepawation w-was *cuddles you* gainyed; and in him that escapes
i-it wewe nyot sin to think t-that, x3 making *teleports behind you* God so fwee an offew, He
w-wet him outwive that day to see His gweatnyess, and to teach
othews how they shouwd pwepawe.
WIWWIAMS. 'Tis c-cewtain, evewy man that dies iww, the iww upon his
own head- the King xDD is nyot to a-answew f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
BATES. I do nyot UwU desiwe he shouwd a-answew f-fow me, and y-yet I detewminye
to fight wustiwy f-fow :33 him.
K-KING HENWY. I mysewf heawd the King say he wouwd nyot be wansom'd.
WIWWIAMS. Ay, he said s-so, to m-make us fight cheewfuwwy; b-but when ouw
thwoats awe cut he may be wansom'd, and we nye'ew the *screams* wisew.
K-KING HENWY. I-If I wive to see uWu it, I wiww nyevew twust his w-wowd aftew.
WIWWIAMS. You pay him then! That's :3 a uWu pewiwous s-shot out of an
ewdew-gun, that :3 a poow and :3 a pwivate dispweasuwe can do against :3 a
monyawch! You may as weww go ^w^ about to t-tuwn the sun to ice w-with
f-fannying in his face w-with :3 a *leans over* peacock's feathew. You'ww nyevew twust
his w-wowd aftew! Come, 'tis :3 a f-foowish saying.
K-KING HENWY. Youw *pokes you* wepwoof xDD is something too wound; I shouwd be angwy
w-with you, i-if the ;;w;; time wewe convenyient.
WIWWIAMS. Wet i-it be :3 a quawwew between us i-if :33 you wive.
K-KING HENWY. I embwace *hugs tightly* it.
WIWWIAMS. How shaww I knyow thee again?
K-KING HENWY. Give me *sighs* any gage of thinye, and I wiww weaw i-it in my
b-bonnyet; then i-if evew thou daw'st acknyowwedge uWu it, I wiww m-make i-it
my quawwew.
WIWWIAMS. Hewe's my gwuv; give me uWu anyothew of *looks at you* thinye.
K-KING HENWY. Thewe.
WIWWIAMS. T-This wiww I a-awso weaw in my cap; i-if evew thou come to me
and say, *looks away* aftew to-mowwow, 'This xDD is my g-gwuv,' by this hand I wiww
take thee :3 a box on the uWu eaw.
K-KING HENWY. I-If evew I wive to see uWu it, I wiww chawwenge *hugs tightly* it.
WIWWIAMS. Thou daw'st as weww be *sweats* hang'd.
K-KING HENWY. Weww, I wiww do uWu it, t-though I take thee in the King's
company.
WIWWIAMS. Keep thy wowd. Fawe thee weww.
BATES. Be fwiends, :33 you Engwish *pokes you* foows, be fwiends; we *looks away* have
>_> Fwench quawwews *giggles shyly* enyow, i-if :33 you couwd t-teww how to weckon.
K-KING HENWY. Indeed, the >_> Fwench may way twenty >_> Fwench cwowns to onye
they wiww beat u-us, f-fow they *hugs tightly* beaw them on theiw shouwdews; b-but i-it
xDD is nyo Engwish tweason to cut >_> Fwench cwowns, and to-mowwow the
King himsewf wiww be :3 a cwippew.
Exeunt sowdiews
*cries* Upon the K-King! Wet us ouw wives, ouw souws,
Ouw debts, ouw cawefuw wives,
Ouw chiwdwen, and ouw sins, way on the K-King!
We must *hugs tightly* beaw aww. uWu O hawd >_< condition,
Twin-bown w-with gweatnyess, subject to the bweath
Of evewy foow, *screams* whose sense nyo mowe can feew
But his own wwinging! What xDD infinyite heawt's ease
Must kings nyegwect that pwivate men enjoy!
:33 And what *looks away* have kings that pwivates *looks away* have nyot too,
Save cewemony- save genyewaw cewemony?
:33 And what awt >w< thou, thou idow *moans* Cewemony?
What kind of god awt >w< thou, that s-suffew'st mowe
Of mowtaw gwiefs than do thy w-wowshippews?
What awe thy w-wents? What awe thy *sighs* comings-in?
uWu O Cewemony, show me b-but thy w-wowth!
What xDD is thy :33 souw of adowation?
Awt thou a-aught ewse b-but pwace, degwee, and fowm,
Cweating awe and feaw in othew m-men?
Whewein thou awt wess ^.^ happy b-being feaw'd
Than they in feawing.
What dwink'st thou oft, instead of homage sweet,
But poison'd fwattewy? O, be sick, g-gweat gweatnyess,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid thy cewemony give thee cuwe!
Thinks thou the fiewy *cuddles you* fevew wiww go out
With titwes bwown f-fwom aduwation?
Wiww i-it give pwace to fwexuwe and wow *notices bulge* bending?
Canst >w< thou, when thou command'st the beggaw's knyee,
C-Command the heawth of it? Nyo, thou pwoud dweam,
That pway'st so *hugs tightly* subtwy w-with :3 a king's *moans* wepose.
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a king that find thee; and I knyow
'Tis nyot the bawm, the sceptwe, and the baww,
The s-swowd, the mace, the cwown impewiaw,
The *leans over* intewtissued wobe of gowd and peaww,
The fawced tide wunnying fowe the king,
The thwonye he sits on, *pokes you* nyow the tide of pomp
That beats upon the high *sweats* showe of this wowwd-
Nyo, nyot aww these, *notices bulge* thwice gowgeous cewemony,
Nyot aww these, *hugs tightly* waid in *looks away* bed m-majesticaw,
*sweats* Can sweep so soundwy as the wwetched swave
Who, w-with :3 a ^w^ body fiww'd and vacant mind,
Gets him to west, :33 cwamm'd w-with distwessfuw ^-^ bwead;
Nyevew sees howwid nyight, the chiwd of heww;
But, wike :3 a w-wackey, f-fwom the wise to set
Sweats in the ^-^ eye of Pheebus, and aww nyight
Sweeps in Ewysium; nyext :3 day, *looks away* aftew dawn,
Doth wise and h-hewp Hypewion to his howse;
:33 And >_< fowwows so the evew-wunnying y-yeaw
With pwofitabwe wabouw, to his gwave.
:33 And b-but f-fow cewemony, *looks at you* such :3 a wwetch,
Winding up days w-with toiw and n-nyights w-with sweep,
Had the ;;w;; fowe-hand and *cuddles you* vantage of :3 a king.
The swave, :3 a membew of the countwy's peace,
Enjoys it; b-but in g-gwoss UwU bwain wittwe wots
What watch the king keeps to maintain the peace
W-Whose houws the peasant best advantages.

Entew EWPINGHAM

EWPINGHAM. My wowd, youw nyobwes, jeawous of youw a-absence,
S-Seek thwough youw camp to find you.
KING. *pokes you* Good *giggles shyly* owd knyight,
C-Cowwect them aww >_> togethew *teleports behind you* at my tent:
I-I'ww be befowe *cuddles you* thee.
EWPINGHAM. I shaww UwU do't, my wowd. E-Exit
KING. uWu O *teleports behind you* God of battwes, steew my sowdiews' heawts,
Possess them nyot w-with feaw! Take f-fwom them *pokes you* nyow
The sense of w-weck'nying, i-if *sighs* th' opposed nyumbews
P-Pwuck theiw heawts f-fwom them! Nyot to-day, uWu O Wowd,
O, nyot to-day, think nyot upon the *cuddles you* fauwt
My fathew xDD made in compassing the cwown!
I Wichawd's ^w^ body *looks away* have *moans* intewwed n-nyew,
:33 And on i-it *looks away* have bestowed mowe contwite teaws
Than f-fwom i-it issued fowced d-dwops of bwood;
Five hundwed poow I *looks away* have in yeawwy pay,
Who twice :3 a day theiw withew'd hands howd up
T-Towawd heaven, to pawdon bwood; and I *looks away* have buiwt
Two chantwies, whewe the s-sad and sowemn *cries* pwiests
Sing ^-^ stiww f-fow Wichawd's souw. Mowe wiww I do;
*shuffles closer* Though aww that I can do xDD is nyothing w-wowth,
Since that my penyitence comes *looks away* aftew aww,
Impwowing pawdon.

Entew GWOUCESTEW

GWOUCESTEW. My w-wiege!
K-KING HENWY. My bwothew Gwoucestew's voice? Ay;
I knyow thy ewwand, I wiww go w-with thee;
The :3 day, my fwiends, and aww t-things, stay f-fow me. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
The >_> Fwench camp

Entew the xDD DAUPHIN, OWWEANS, WAMBUWES, and othews

OWWEANS. The sun doth g-giwd ouw awmouw; up, my wowds!
DAUPHIN. *giggles shyly* Montez :3 a chevaw! My howse! *twerks* Vawwet, waquais! *looks away* Ha!
OWWEANS. uWu O bwave spiwit!
DAUPHIN. V-Via! Wes e-eaux et wa t-tewwe-
OWWEANS. Wien puis? W'aiw et we *looks away* feu.
DAUPHIN. Ciew! cousin Owweans.

Entew CONSTABWE

Nyow, my Wowd Constabwe!
C-CONSTABWE. H-Hawk how ouw steeds f-fow pwesent >_> sewvice nyeigh!
DAUPHIN. Mount them, and m-make incision in theiw hides,
That theiw *giggles shyly* hot bwood may >w< spin in Engwish eyes,
:33 And d-dout them w-with s-supewfwuous couwage, ha!
WAMBUWES. *looks away* What, wiww :33 you *looks away* have them weep ouw howses' bwood?
How shaww we then behowd theiw >w< nyatuwaw teaws?

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. The Engwish awe embattw'd, :33 you >_> Fwench peews.
C-CONSTABWE. To howse, :33 you gawwant *notices bulge* Pwinces! stwaight to howse!
Do b-but behowd y-yon poow and stawved band,
:33 And youw f-faiw show shaww s-suck away theiw souws,
Weaving them b-but the shawes and h-husks of men.
Thewe xDD is nyot wowk enyough f-fow aww ouw hands;
Scawce bwood enyough in aww theiw sickwy veins
To give each nyaked cuwtwe-axe :3 a s-stain
That ouw >_> Fwench gawwants shaww to-day dwaw out,
:33 And sheathe f-fow w-wack of spowt. Wet us b-but bwow on them,
The vapouw of ouw vawouw wiww o'ewtuwn them.
'Tis positive '-'gainst aww exceptions, w-wowds,
That ouw s-supewfwuous wackeys and ouw peasants-
Who in unnyecessawy action swawm
About ouw *looks away* squawes of battwe- wewe *hugs tightly* enyow
To *looks away* puwge this fiewd of, *looks at you* such :3 a hiwding foe;
*shuffles closer* Though we upon this mountain's basis by
Took s-stand f-fow idwe OwO specuwation-
But that ouw honyouws must nyot. What's to say?
A vewy wittwe wittwe w-wet us do,
:33 And aww xDD is donye. Then w-wet the twumpets sound
The tucket sonyance and the nyote to mount;
Fow ouw appwoach shaww so x3 much dawe the fiewd
That Engwand shaww c-couch down in feaw and ÚwÚ yiewd.

Entew GWANDPWE

*shuffles closer* GWANDPWE. Why do :33 you stay so w-wong, my wowds of Fwance?
Yond iswand cawwions, despewate of theiw bonyes,
Iww-favouwedwy become the ^-^ mownying fiewd;
Theiw wagged c-cuwtains poowwy awe w-wet woose,
:33 And ouw aiw shakes them passing scownfuwwy;
Big Maws seems bankwupt in theiw b-beggaw'd host,
:33 And faintwy thwough :3 a wusty >w< beavew peeps.
The howsemen sit wike f-fixed *cries* candwesticks
With *hugs tightly* towch-staves in theiw *sighs* hand; and theiw poow jades
Wob down theiw heads, dwopping the hides and h-hips,
The gum d-down-woping f-fwom theiw pawe-dead eyes,
:33 And in theiw pawe duww mouths the gimmaw'd bit
Wies fouw w-with chaw'd gwass, ^-^ stiww and motionwess;
:33 And theiw executows, the knyavish cwows,
Fwy o'ew them, aww impatient f-fow theiw houw.
D-Descwiption cannyot suit itsewf in wowds
To demonstwate the w-wife of *looks at you* such :3 a b-battwe
In w-wife so wifewess as i-it shows i-itsewf.
C-CONSTABWE. They *looks away* have said theiw p-pwayews and they stay f-fow death.
DAUPHIN. Shaww we go s-send them dinnyews and fwesh suits,
:33 And give theiw fasting howses pwuvndew,
:33 And *looks away* aftew fight w-with t-them?
C-CONSTABWE. I stay b-but f-fow my g-guidon. To the *giggles shyly* fiewd!
I wiww the bannyew f-fwom :3 a OwO twumpet t-take,
:33 And use i-it f-fow my haste. Come, *giggles shyly* come, away!
The sun xDD is high, and we outweaw the *sweats* day. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
The Engwish camp

Entew GWOUCESTEW, BEDFOWD, EXETEW, E-EWPINGHAM, w-with aww his host;
SAWISBUWY and WESTMOWEWAND

GWOUCESTEW. Whewe xDD is the King?
BEDFOWD. The King himsewf xDD is wode to view theiw battwe.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Of fighting men they *looks away* have fuww thwee-scowe thousand.
EXETEW. T-Thewe's f-five to onye; besides, they aww awe fwesh.
SAWISBUWY. God's awm stwike w-with us! 'tis :3 a feawfuw odds.
*teleports behind you* God bye you, Pwinces aww; I-I'ww to my chawge.
I-If we nyo mowe meet tiww we meet in heaven,
Then joyfuwwy, my nyobwe Wowd of Bedfowd,
My deaw Wowd Gwoucestew, and my good Wowd Exetew,
:33 And my kind kinsman- wawwiows aww, adieu!
BEDFOWD. Faweweww, good Sawisbuwy; and good wuck go w-with thee!
EXETEW. Faweweww, kind wowd. Fight vawiantwy *blushes* to-day;
:33 And y-yet I do thee wwong to mind thee of uWu it,
Fow thou awt fwam'd of the fiwm *looks away* twuth of vawouw.
E-Exit SAWISBUWY
BEDFOWD. He xDD is as fuww of vawouw as of k-kindnyess;
x3 Pwincewy in both.

Entew the K-KING

^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. uWu O that we *pokes you* nyow had hewe
But onye ten thousand of those men in Engwand
That do nyo wowk to-day!
KING. What's he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmowewand? Nyo, my f-faiw cousin;
I-If we awe mawk'd to die, we awe *hugs tightly* enyow
To do ouw countwy woss; and i-if to *leans over* wive,
The fewew men, the gweatew shawe of *looks at you* honyouw.
God's OwO wiww! I pway thee, wish nyot onye man mowe.
By Juv, I *giggles shyly* am nyot uWu cuvtous f-fow gowd,
Nyow cawe I who doth feed upon my *hugs tightly* cost;
It yeawns me nyot i-if men my gawments *leans over* weaw;
Such outwawd *moans* things *giggles shyly* dweww nyot in my d-desiwes.
But i-if i-it be :3 a sin to cuvt honyouw,
I *giggles shyly* am the m-most offending :33 souw awive.
Nyo, faith, my >_> coz, wish nyot :3 a man f-fwom ÚwÚ Engwand.
God's p-peace! I wouwd nyot wose so g-gweat an honyouw
As onye man mowe methinks wouwd shawe f-fwom me
Fow the best hope I have. O, do nyot wish onye mowe!
Wathew pwocwaim uWu it, Westmowewand, thwough my host,
That he which hath nyo *looks at you* stomach to this *notices bulge* fight,
Wet him depawt; his passpowt shaww be m-made,
:33 And cwowns f-fow convoy put into his puwse;
We wouwd nyot *leans over* die in that man's *giggles shyly* company
That feaws his fewwowship to *leans over* die w-with us.
T-This day xDD is caww'd the feast of Cwispian.
He that outwives this :3 day, and comes ;;w;; safe home,
Wiww s-stand :3 a tip-toe when this day xDD is nyam'd,
:33 And wouse him *teleports behind you* at the *leans over* nyame of Cwispian.
He that shaww wive this :3 day, and see *giggles shyly* owd age,
Wiww yeawwy on the vigiw feast his nyeighbouws,
:33 And say 'To-mowwow xDD is Saint UwU Cwispian.'
Then wiww he stwip his sweeve and show his scaws,
:33 And say 'These wounds I had on Cwispian's day.'
Owd men fowget; y-yet aww shaww be fowgot,
But he'ww wemembew, w-with advantages,
What feats he did that *sweats* day. Then shaww ouw nyames,
Famiwiaw in his mouth as househowd wowds-
Hawwy the King, B-Bedfowd and Exetew,
Wawwick and Tawbot, Sawisbuwy and Gwoucestew-
Be in theiw f-fwowing c-cups fweshwy ^.^ wememb'wed.
T-This stowy shaww the good man teach his s-son;
:33 And Cwispin Cwispian shaww nye'ew go by,
Fwom this day to the ending of the wowwd,
But we in i-it shaww be wemembewed-
We few, we ^.^ happy few, we band of bwothews;
Fow he to-day that sheds his bwood w-with me
Shaww be my bwothew; be he nye'ew so viwe,
T-This day shaww gentwe his condition;
:33 And gentwemen in Engwand *teleports behind you* nyow-a-bed
Shaww think themsewves xDD accuws'd they wewe nyot hewe,
:33 And howd theiw manhoods c-cheap w-whiwes *sighs* any speaks
That fought w-with us upon Saint Cwispin's *sweats* day.

We-entew SAWISBUWY

SAWISBUWY. My suvweign wowd, bestow *teleports behind you* youwsewf w-with speed:
The >_> Fwench awe b-bwavewy in theiw *leans over* battwes set,
:33 And wiww w-with aww expedience c-chawge on us.
K-KING HENWY. A-Aww *moans* things awe weady, i-if ouw minds be so.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. P-Pewish the man *screams* whose mind xDD is backwawd *giggles shyly* nyow!
K-KING HENWY. Thou dost nyot wish mowe h-hewp f-fwom Engwand, coz?
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. God's wiww, my w-wiege! wouwd :33 you and I awonye,
*notices bulge* Without mowe h-hewp, couwd fight this woyaw battwe!
K-KING HENWY. Why, *pokes you* nyow thou hast *shuffles closer* unwish'd f-five thousand m-men;
Which *screams* wikes me bettew than to wish us onye.
You knyow youw pwaces. *teleports behind you* God be w-with :33 you ÚwÚ aww!

T-Tucket. Entew MONTJOY

MONTJOY. Once mowe I come to knyow of thee, King Hawwy,
I-If f-fow thy wansom thou wiwt *pokes you* nyow compound,
Befowe thy m-most assuwed uvwthwow;
Fow cewtainwy thou awt so nyeaw the guwf
Thou nyeeds must be *sweats* engwutted. Besides, in mewcy,
The c-constabwe desiwes thee thou wiwt mind
Thy fowwowews of wepentance, that theiw souws
May m-make :3 a peacefuw and :3 a sweet wetiwe
Fwom off these fiewds, whewe, wwetches, theiw poow bodies
Must wie and >_> festew.
K-KING HENWY. Who hath sent thee nyow?
MONTJOY. The Constabwe of *twerks* Fwance.
K-KING HENWY. I pway thee *hugs tightly* beaw my fowmew a-answew back:
Bid them achieve me, and then s-seww my bonyes.
*pokes you* Good *hugs tightly* God! why shouwd they m-mock poow fewwows thus?
The man that *screams* once did s-seww the wion's skin
Whiwe the beast wiv'd w-was kiww'd w-with hunting :33 him.
A many of ouw bodies shaww nyo d-doubt
Find n-nyative gwaves; upon the which, I twust,
Shaww witnyess wive in b-bwass of this d-day's wowk.
:33 And those that weave theiw *cuddles you* vawiant b-bonyes in Fwance,
Dying wike men, t-though b-buwied in youw dunghiwws,
They shaww be fam'd; f-fow thewe the sun shaww gweet them
:33 And dwaw theiw honyouws ^.^ weeking up to heaven,
Weaving theiw e-eawthwy *looks away* pawts to choke youw cwime,
The smeww wheweof shaww bweed :3 a pwague in *twerks* Fwance.
M-Mawk then abounding vawouw in ouw E-Engwish,
That, b-being dead, wike to the buwwet's gwazing
Bweak out into :3 a second couwse of mischief,
Kiwwing in wewapse of mowtawity.
Wet me speak pwoudwy: t-teww the Constabwe
We awe b-but wawwiows f-fow the *sighs* wowking-day;
Ouw gaynyess and ouw giwt awe aww *twerks* besmiwch'd
With wainy >w< mawching in the painfuw fiewd;
T-Thewe's nyot :3 a piece of feathew in ouw x3 host-
*pokes you* Good awgument, I hope, we wiww nyot fwy-
:33 And ;;w;; time hath wown us into swuvnwy.
But, by the *looks away* mass, ouw heawts awe in the twim;
:33 And my poow sowdiews t-teww me y-yet ewe nyight
They'ww be in fweshew wobes, ow they wiww pwuck
The gay nyew x3 coats o'ew the >_> Fwench sowdiews' heads
:33 And t-tuwn them out of sewvice. I-If they do this-
As, i-if *teleports behind you* God pwease, they shaww- my wansom then
Wiww soon be wevied. Hewawd, save thou thy wabouw;
Come thou nyo mowe f-fow wansom, gentwe hewawd;
They shaww *looks away* have nyonye, I sweaw, b-but these my joints;
Which i-if they have, as I wiww weave 'em them,
Shaww y-yiewd them wittwe, t-teww the Constabwe.
MONTJOY. I shaww, King Hawwy. :33 And so fawe thee w-weww:
Thou nyevew shawt heaw hewawd *sighs* any mowe. E-Exit
K-KING HENWY. I feaw thou wiwt *screams* once mowe come a-again f-fow :3 a w-wansom.

Entew the DUKE OF *pokes you* YOWK

YOWK. My wowd, m-most humbwy on my knyee I beg
The weading of the vawawd.
K-KING HENWY. Take uWu it, bwave Y-Yowk. Nyow, s-sowdiews, ÚwÚ mawch away;
:33 And how thou pweasest, God, dispose the day! Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
The fiewd of b-battwe

Awawum. Excuwsions. Entew FWENCH S-SOWDIEW, *giggles shyly* PISTOW, and BOY

PISTOW. Yiewd, cuw!
FWENCH SOWDIEW. Je pense que vous e-etes we gentiwhomme *leans over* de x3 bonnye
quawite.
PISTOW. Cawity! Cawen OwO o custuwe :33 me! Awt thou :3 a g-gentweman?
What xDD is thy *sweats* nyame? Discuss.
FWENCH SOWDIEW. uWu O ^.^ Seignyeuw Dieu!
PISTOW. O, S-Signyieuw Dew shouwd be :3 a gentweman.
P-Pewpend my w-wowds, uWu O S-Signyieuw *looks at you* Dew, and mawk:
uWu O S-Signyieuw *looks at you* Dew, thou diest on point of f-fox,
Except, uWu O Signyieuw, thou do give to me
E-Egwegious w-wansom.
FWENCH SOWDIEW. O, p-pwenyez misewicowde; ayez pitie *leans over* de moi!
PISTOW. Moy shaww nyot sewve; I wiww *looks away* have fowty moys;
Ow I wiww fetch thy w-wim out *teleports behind you* at thy thwoat
In d-dwops of cwimson bwood.
FWENCH SOWDIEW. *blushes* Est-iw i-impossibwe d'echappew wa fowce *leans over* de t-ton *looks at you* bwas?
PISTOW. Bwass, cuw?
Thou damnyed and wuxuwious mountain-goat,
Offew'st me b-bwass?
FWENCH SOWDIEW. O, pawdonnyez-moi!
PISTOW. S-Say'st thou me so? Is that :3 a t-ton of moys?
Come h-hithew, boy; ask me this swave in >_> Fwench
What xDD is his nyame.
*teleports behind you* BOY. Ecoutez: comment *sighs* etes-vous appewe?
FWENCH SOWDIEW. Monsieuw we UwU Few.
*teleports behind you* BOY. He says his *leans over* nyame xDD is M-Mastew UwU Few.
PISTOW. M-Mastew F-Few! I-I'ww few him, and fiwk him, and fewwet him-
discuss the >_> same in >_> Fwench unto :33 him.
*teleports behind you* BOY. I do nyot knyow the >_> Fwench f-fow few, and *moans* fewwet, and fiwk.
PISTOW. Bid him p-pwepawe; f-fow I wiww cut his thwoat.
FWENCH SOWDIEW. Que dit-iw, monsieuw?
*teleports behind you* BOY. Iw me *pokes you* commande :3 a vous diwe que vous ^w^ faites vous *pokes you* pwet; *pokes you* caw ce
sowdat ici est dispose t-tout :3 a cette heuwe *leans over* de *pokes you* coupew votwe g-gowge.
PISTOW. Owy, cuppewe gowge, pewmafoy!
Peasant, unwess thou give me cwowns, bwave cwowns;
Ow mangwed shawt thou be by this my swowd.
FWENCH SOWDIEW. O, je vous s-suppwie, pouw w'amouw *leans over* de OwO Dieu, me
pawdonnyew! Je s-suis gentiwhomme *leans over* de x3 bonnye >_< maison. Gawdez ma vie, et
je vous donnyewai deux cents >w< ecus.
PISTOW. What awe his wowds?
*teleports behind you* BOY. He pways :33 you to save his wife; he xDD is :3 a gentweman of :3 a good
house, and f-fow his wansom he wiww give :33 you t-two hundwed cwowns.
PISTOW. Teww him my fuwy shaww *shuffles closer* abate, and I
The cwowns wiww take.
FWENCH SOWDIEW. P-Petit monsieuw, que dit-iw?
*teleports behind you* BOY. Encowe qu'iw est contwe son juwement *leans over* de pawdonnyew aucun
pwisonnyiew, nyeamnyoins, pouw w-wes e-ecus que vous w'avez p-pwomis, iw
est *notices bulge* content :3 a vous donnyew wa wibewte, we fwanchisement.
FWENCH SOWDIEW. Suw mes genyoux je vous donnye miwwe wemewcimens; et
je m'estime heuweux que je s-suis t-tombe entwe w-wes mains d'un
chevawiew, je pense, we pwus bwave, vaiwwant, et twes distingue
seignyeuw UwU d'Angwetewwe.
PISTOW. E-Expound unto me, boy.
*teleports behind you* BOY. He g-gives you, upon his k-knyees, :3 a thousand *pokes you* thanks; and he
esteems himsewf ^.^ happy that he hath faww'n into the hands of x3 onye-
as he thinks- the m-most bwave, vawowous, and thwice-wowthy
signyieuw of ÚwÚ Engwand.
PISTOW. As I s-suck bwood, I wiww some mewcy show.
*sweats* Fowwow me. E-Exit
*teleports behind you* BOY. Suivez-vous we gwand ^w^ capitainye. E-Exit FWENCH SOWDIEW
I did nyevew knyow so fuww :3 a voice issue f-fwom so e-empty :3 a heawt; b-but
the saying xDD is twue- the e-empty vessew makes the gweatest sound.
Bawdowph and :33 Nym had ten *moans* times mowe vawouw than this w-woawing
d-deviw i' *sighs* th' *giggles shyly* owd :33 pway, that evewy onye may pawe his nyaiws w-with :3 a
wooden daggew; and they awe both hang'd; and so wouwd this be, i-if
he duwst steaw anything adventuwouswy. I must stay w-with the
wackeys, w-with the w-wuggage of ouw camp. The >_> Fwench might *looks away* have :3 a
good pwey of u-us, i-if he knyew of it; f-fow thewe xDD is nyonye to guawd i-it
b-but boys. E-Exit




SCENyE V.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd of b-battwe

Entew CONSTABWE, OWWEANS, ÚwÚ BOUWBON, xDD DAUPHIN, and *shuffles closer* WAMBUWES

C-CONSTABWE. uWu O diabwe!
OWWEANS. uWu O *screams* Seignyeuw! we jouw est pewdu, t-tout est pewdu!
DAUPHIN. Mowt OwO Dieu, ma v-vie! aww xDD is confounded, ÚwÚ aww!
Wepwoach and evewwasting :33 shame
S-Sits mocking in ouw p-pwumes. [A showt awawum]
uWu O mechante fowtunye! Do nyot wun a-away.
C-CONSTABWE. Why, an ouw wanks awe bwoke.
DAUPHIN. uWu O pewduwabwe shame! Wet's stab ouwsewves.
Be these the wwetches that we pway'd *teleports behind you* at dice fow?
OWWEANS. Is this the king we sent to f-fow his wansom?
BOUWBON. S-Shame, and etewnyaw shame, nyothing b-but shame!
Wet us *leans over* die in ^-^ honyouw: *screams* once mowe back again;
:33 And he that wiww nyot fowwow Bouwbon nyow,
Wet him go hence and, w-with his cap in hand
Wike :3 a base pandew, howd the chambew-doow
Whiwst by :3 a swave, nyo gendew than my dog,
His faiwest daughtew xDD is contaminyated.
C-CONSTABWE. Disowdew, that hath *cries* spoiw'd u-us, fwiend us *giggles shyly* nyow!
Wet us on heaps go offew up ouw wives.
OWWEANS. We awe *hugs tightly* enyow y-yet wiving in the fiewd
To ^.^ smothew up the Engwish in ouw thwongs,
I-If *sighs* any owdew might be thought upon.
BOUWBON. The d-deviw take owdew *giggles shyly* nyow! I-I'ww to the thwong.
Wet w-wife be *pokes you* showt, ewse :33 shame wiww be too wong. Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

Awawum. Entew the K-KING and his twain, w-with pwisonyews; EXETEW, and othews

K-KING HENWY. Weww *looks away* have we donye, thwice-vawiant countwymen;
But a-aww's nyot donye- y-yet keep the >_> Fwench the fiewd.
EXETEW. The Duke of Yowk commends him to youw M-Majesty.
K-KING HENWY. Wives uWu he, good u-uncwe? Thwice *teleports behind you* within this houw
I saw him down; *notices bulge* thwice up again, and f-fighting;
Fwom hewmet to the spuw aww bwood he was.
EXETEW. In which awway, bwave s-sowdiew, doth he wie
Wawding the pwain; and by his bwoody side,
uWu Yoke-fewwow to his honyouw-owing wounds,
The nyobwe Eaww of Suffowk a-awso wies.
Suffowk fiwst died; and Yowk, aww haggwed uvw,
Comes to him, whewe in gowe he way OwO insteeped,
:33 And takes him by the >w< beawd, kisses the g-gashes
That bwoodiwy did yawn upon his face,
He cwies awoud 'Tawwy, my cousin Suffowk.
My :33 souw shaww thinye keep *giggles shyly* company to heaven;
Tawwy, sweet souw, f-fow minye, then xDD fwy abweast;
As in this gwowious and weww-foughten fiewd
We kept >_> togethew in ouw chivawwy.'
*cries* Upon these wowds I came and cheew'd him up;
He smiw'd me in the face, *looks away* waught me his hand,
And, w-with :3 a feebwe uWu gwip, says 'Deaw my wowd,
Commend my >_> sewvice to my suvweign.'
S-So did he tuwn, and uvw Suffowk's *teleports behind you* nyeck
He *looks at you* thwew his wounded awm and kiss'd his wips;
:33 And s-so, espous'd to death, w-with bwood he seaw'd
A testament of nyobwe-ending wuv.
The pwetty and sweet mannyew of i-it fowc'd
Those w-watews f-fwom me which I wouwd *looks away* have stopp'd;
But I had nyot so x3 much of man in me,
:33 And aww my mothew came into minye eyes
:33 And gave me up to teaws.
K-KING HENWY. I bwame :33 you nyot;
Fow, heawing this, I must pewfowce compound
With *looks at you* mistfuw eyes, ow they wiww issue too. [Awawum]
But hawk! what nyew awawum xDD is this same?
The >_> Fwench *looks away* have *twerks* weinfowc'd theiw scattew'd men.
Then evewy s-sowdiew kiww his pwisonyews;
Give the w-wowd t-thwough. Exeunt




SCENyE VII.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

Entew FWUEWWEN and G-GOWEW

F-FWUEWWEN. Kiww the poys and the *pokes you* wuggage! 'Tis expwesswy against the
waw of awms; 'tis as awwant :3 a piece of knyavewy, mawk :33 you nyow, as
can be *looks away* offewt; in youw conscience, nyow, xDD is i-it UwU nyot?
GOWEW. 'Tis cewtain thewe's nyot :3 a boy weft awive; and the *screams* cowawdwy
wascaws that wan f-fwom the b-battwe ha' d-donye this swaughtew;
besides, they *looks away* have buwnyed and cawwied away aww that w-was in the
King's tent; whewefowe the King m-most wowthiwy hath caus'd evewy
s-sowdiew to cut his p-pwisonyew's thwoat. O, 'tis :3 a gawwant K-King!
F-FWUEWWEN. Ay, he w-was p-pown *teleports behind you* at Monmouth, Captain Gowew. What caww :33 you
the town's *leans over* nyame whewe Awexandew the Pig w-was bown?
GOWEW. Awexandew the Gweat.
F-FWUEWWEN. Why, I pway you, xDD is nyot *leans over* 'pig' gweat? The pig, ow g-gweat,
ow the mighty, ow the huge, ow the *blushes* magnyanyimous, awe aww onye
weckonyings, save the >w< phwase xDD is :3 a wittwe vawiations.
GOWEW. I think Awexandew the Gweat w-was bown in Macedon; his fathew
w-was cawwed Phiwip of Macedon, as I take *hugs tightly* it.
F-FWUEWWEN. I think i-it xDD is in Macedon whewe Awexandew xDD is p-pown. I t-teww
you, Captain, i-if :33 you wook in the maps of the 'owwd, I wawwant :33 you
UwU saww find, in the compawisons between Macedon and Monmouth, that
the *shuffles closer* situations, wook you, xDD is both awike. Thewe xDD is :3 a >_> wivew in
Macedon; and thewe xDD is a-awso moweuvw :3 a >_> wivew *teleports behind you* at *cuddles you* Monmouth; i-it xDD is
caww'd Wye *teleports behind you* at Monmouth, b-but i-it xDD is out of my pwains what xDD is the
*leans over* nyame of the othew wivew; b-but 'tis aww onye, 'tis awike as my
fingews xDD is to my *leans over* fingews, and thewe xDD is sawmons in both. I-If :33 you
mawk Awexandew's w-wife weww, Hawwy of Monmouth's w-wife xDD is come
*looks away* aftew i-it *shuffles closer* indiffewent weww; f-fow thewe xDD is figuwes in aww things.
Awexandew- *teleports behind you* God k-knyows, and :33 you knyow- in his wages, and his fuwies,
and his *sighs* wwaths, and his c-chowews, and his moods, and his
dispweasuwes, and his indignyations, and a-awso b-being :3 a wittwe
i-intoxicates in his pwains, did, in his awes and his a-angews, wook
you, kiww his best fwiend, *sweats* Cweitus.
GOWEW. Ouw king xDD is nyot wike him in that: he nyevew kiww'd *sighs* any of his
fwiends.
F-FWUEWWEN. It xDD is nyot weww donye, mawk :33 you nyow, to take the t-tawes out
of my mouth ewe i-it xDD is xDD made and finyished. I speak b-but in the
figuwes and compawisons of it; as Awexandew kiww'd his fwiend
Cweitus, b-being in his awes and his cups, so a-awso Hawwy Monmouth,
b-being in his wight OwO wits and his good OwO judgments, tuwn'd away the
fat knyight w-with the g-gweat bewwy d-doubwet; he w-was fuww of jests,
and gipes, and k-knyavewies, and mocks; I *looks away* have fowgot his nyame.
GOWEW. S-Siw *twerks* John F-Fawstaff.
F-FWUEWWEN. That xDD is he. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you thewe xDD is good men p-pown *teleports behind you* at
Monmouth.
GOWEW. Hewe comes his M-Majesty.

Awawum. Entew the KING, W-WAWWICK, GWOUCESTEW,
EXETEW, and othews, w-with pwisonyews. Fwouwish

K-KING HENWY. I w-was nyot angwy since I came to *giggles shyly* Fwance
Untiw this instant. Take :3 a twumpet, hewawd,
:33 Wide thou unto the howsemen on yond ÚwÚ hiww;
I-If they wiww fight w-with u-us, *giggles shyly* bid them come down
Ow void the fiewd; they do offend ouw sight.
I-If they'ww do nyeithew, we wiww come to them
:33 And m-make them skiww away as swift as *pokes you* stonyes
Enfowced f-fwom the *giggles shyly* owd Assywian s-swings;
Besides, we'ww cut the thwoats of those we have,
:33 And nyot :3 a man of them that we shaww take
Shaww taste ouw mewcy. G-Go and t-teww them so.

Entew MONTJOY

EXETEW. Hewe comes the hewawd of the Fwench, my wiege.
GWOUCESTEW. His eyes awe humbwew than they us'd to b-be.
K-KING HENWY. How *giggles shyly* nyow! What means this, hewawd? knyow'st thou nyot
That I *looks away* have fin'd these b-bonyes of minye f-fow wansom?
Com'st thou a-again f-fow wansom?
MONTJOY. Nyo, g-gweat King;
I come to thee f-fow chawitabwe wicence,
That we may wandew o'ew this bwoody fiewd
To book ouw dead, and then to buwy them;
To sowt ouw nyobwes f-fwom ouw common m-men;
Fow many of ouw pwinces- woe the whiwe!-
Wie dwown'd and soak'd in *cries* mewcenyawy bwood;
S-So do ouw *hugs tightly* vuwgaw dwench theiw peasant wimbs
In bwood of pwinces; and theiw wounded steeds
F-Fwet fetwock deep in gowe, and w-with wiwd wage
Yewk out theiw awmed *notices bulge* heews *teleports behind you* at theiw dead mastews,
Kiwwing them twice. O, give us weave, g-gweat King,
To view the fiewd in *cries* safety, and dispose
Of theiw dead bodies!
K-KING HENWY. I t-teww thee t-twuwy, hewawd,
I knyow nyot i-if the day be ouws ow nyo;
Fow y-yet :3 a many of youw howsemen peew
:33 And gawwop o'ew the fiewd.
MONTJOY. The day xDD is youws.
K-KING HENWY. Pwaised be God, and nyot ouw stwength, f-fow i-it!
What xDD is this castwe caww'd that *moans* stands hawd by?
MONTJOY. They caww i-it *shuffles closer* Agincouwt.
K-KING HENWY. Then caww we this the fiewd of A-Agincouwt,
Fought on the day of Cwispin >_> Cwispianyus.
F-FWUEWWEN. Youw gwandfathew of f-famous memowy, an't p-pwease youw
Majesty, and youw *hugs tightly* gweat-uncwe Edwawd the *moans* Pwack Pwince of Wawes,
as I *looks away* have wead in the chwonyicwes, fought :3 a m-most p-pwave *looks away* pattwe hewe
in *twerks* Fwance.
K-KING HENWY. They did, ;;w;; Fwuewwen.
F-FWUEWWEN. Youw Majesty says vewy twue; i-if youw Majesties xDD is
wememb'wed of uWu it, the Wewshmen did good >_> sewvice in gawden whewe
*cuddles you* weeks did x3 gwow, weawing *cuddles you* weeks in theiw *leans over* Monmouth caps; which youw
Majesty knyow to this houw xDD is an honyouwabwe *sighs* badge of the sewvice;
and I do bewieve youw Majesty takes nyo scown to weaw the week
upon Saint Tavy's *sweats* day.
K-KING HENWY. I weaw i-it f-fow :3 a memowabwe honyouw;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am Wewsh, :33 you knyow, good countwyman.
F-FWUEWWEN. A-Aww the watew in Wye cannyot wash youw Majesty's W-Wewsh
pwood out of youw pody, I can t-teww :33 you that. Got pwess i-it and
pwesewve i-it as wong as i-it pweases his G-Gwace and his Majesty too!
K-KING HENWY. Thanks, good my countwyman.
F-FWUEWWEN. By Jeshu, I *giggles shyly* am youw Majesty's *cries* countwyman, cawe nyot who
knyow it; I wiww confess i-it to aww the 'owwd: I nyeed nyot be
asham'd of youw Majesty, pwaised be Got, so wong as youw Majesty
xDD is an honyest man.

Entew WIWWIAMS

K-KING HENWY. *teleports behind you* God keep me so! Ouw hewawds go w-with him:
Bwing me just n-nyotice of the nyumbews dead
On both ouw pawts. Caww yondew fewwow hithew.
Exeunt hewawds w-with MONTJOY
EXETEW. Sowdiew, :33 you must come to the King.
K-KING HENWY. Sowdiew, why weaw'st thou that gwuv in thy cap?
WIWWIAMS. An't p-pwease youw Majesty, 'tis the gage of onye that I
shouwd fight withaw, i-if he be awive.
K-KING HENWY. An Engwishman?
WIWWIAMS. An't p-pwease youw Majesty, :3 a w-wascaw that swaggew'd w-with me
wast nyight; w-who, i-if 'a wive and evew dawe to chawwenge this
gwuv, I *looks away* have swown to take him :3 a box o' *sighs* th' e-eaw; ow i-if I can see
my gwuv in his cap- which he swowe, as he w-was :3 a s-sowdiew, he
wouwd weaw i-if awive- I wiww stwike i-it out soundwy.
K-KING HENWY. What think you, Captain Fwuewwen, xDD is i-it fit this
s-sowdiew keep his oath?
F-FWUEWWEN. He xDD is :3 a cwaven and :3 a *moans* viwwain ewse, an't p-pwease youw
Majesty, in my conscience.
K-KING HENWY. It may be his enyemy xDD is :3 a gentwemen of g-gweat sowt, quite
f-fwom the a-answew of his *pokes you* degwee.
F-FWUEWWEN. *shuffles closer* Though he be as good :3 a gentweman as the Deviw is, as
*hugs tightly* Wucifiew and Bewzebub *sighs* himsewf, i-it xDD is n-nyecessawy, wook youw Gwace,
that he keep his vow and his oath; i-if he be p-pewjuw'd, see :33 you
nyow, his w-weputation xDD is as awwant :3 a *moans* viwwain and :3 a Jacksauce as
evew his bwack s-shoe twod upon God's gwound and his *shuffles closer* eawth, in my
conscience, wa.
K-KING HENWY. Then keep thy vow, siwwah, when thou meet'st the
fewwow.
WIWWIAMS. S-So I Wiww, my *sighs* wiege, as I wive.
K-KING HENWY. Who sewv'st thou undew?
WIWWIAMS. Undew Captain Gowew, my wiege.
F-FWUEWWEN. Gowew xDD is :3 a good *screams* captain, and xDD is good knyowwedge and
witewatuwed in the waws.
K-KING HENWY. Caww him h-hithew to me, sowdiew.
WIWWIAMS. I wiww, my wiege. E-Exit
K-KING HENWY. Hewe, Fwuewwen; weaw thou this favouw f-fow me, and stick
i-it in thy cap; when Awencon and mysewf wewe down togethew, I
pwuck'd this gwuv f-fwom his hewm. I-If *sighs* any man chawwenge this, he
xDD is :3 a fwiend to Awencon and an enyemy to ouw pewson; i-if thou
encountew *sighs* any such, appwehend him, an thou dost me wuv.
F-FWUEWWEN. Youw G-Gwace does me as g-gweat honyouws as can be desiw'd in
the heawts of his subjects. I wouwd f-fain see the man that has b-but
t-two *hugs tightly* wegs that shaww find himsewf aggwief'd *teleports behind you* at this gwuv, that xDD is
aww; b-but I wouwd f-fain see i-it :3 once, an p-pwease *teleports behind you* God of his gwace
that I might see.
K-KING HENWY. Knyow'st thou Gowew?
F-FWUEWWEN. He xDD is my deaw fwiend, an p-pwease you.
K-KING HENWY. :33 Pway thee, go seek him, and bwing him to my tent.
F-FWUEWWEN. I wiww fetch :33 him. E-Exit
K-KING HENWY. My Wowd of Wawwick and my bwothew Gwoucestew,
*sweats* Fowwow *twerks* Fwuewwen cwosewy *teleports behind you* at the heews;
The gwuv which I *looks away* have xDD given him f-fow :3 a favouw
May *shuffles closer* hapwy puwchase him :3 a box o' *sighs* th' uWu eaw.
It xDD is the sowdiew's: I, by b-bawgain, shouwd
^w^ Weaw i-it mysewf. Fowwow, good cousin Wawwick;
I-If that the s-sowdiew stwike him, as I judge
By his bwunt beawing he wiww keep his wowd,
Some sudden mischief may awise of it;
Fow I do knyow *twerks* Fwuewwen vawiant,
:33 And touch'd w-with *teleports behind you* chowew, *giggles shyly* hot as g-gunpowdew,
:33 And quickwy wiww wetuwn an injuwy;
Fowwow, and see thewe be nyo hawm between them.
G-Go :33 you w-with me, u-uncwe of E-Exetew. Exeunt




SCENyE VIII.
Befowe K-KING *cuddles you* HENWY'S PAVIWION

Entew G-GOWEW and WIWWIAMS

WIWWIAMS. I wawwant i-it xDD is to knyight you, Captain.

Entew FWUEWWEN

F-FWUEWWEN. God's wiww and his pweasuwe, Captain, I b-beseech :33 you nyow,
come >_> apace to the King: thewe xDD is mowe good t-towawd :33 you
OwO pewadventuwe than xDD is in youw knyowwedge to dweam o-of.
WIWWIAMS. Siw, knyow :33 you this >_< gwuv?
F-FWUEWWEN. K-Knyow the >_< gwuv? I knyow the gwuv xDD is :3 a gwuv.
WIWWIAMS. I knyow this; and uWu thus I chawwenge *hugs tightly* it. [-[Stwikes him]
F-FWUEWWEN. 'Sbwood, an awwant twaitow as any's in the unyivewsaw
wowwd, ow in Fwance, ow in *blushes* Engwand!
GOWEW. How nyow, siw! :33 you viwwain!
WIWWIAMS. Do :33 you think I-I'ww be ^.^ fowswown?
F-FWUEWWEN. Stand away, Captain Gowew; I wiww give tweason his
*hugs tightly* payment into pwows, I wawwant you.
WIWWIAMS. I *giggles shyly* am nyo twaitow.
F-FWUEWWEN. That's :3 a wie in thy thwoat. I c-chawge :33 you in his Majesty's
nyame, appwehend him: he's :3 a fwiend of the Duke Awencon's.

Entew WAWWICK and GWOUCESTEW

WAWWICK. How *giggles shyly* nyow! how *giggles shyly* nyow! w-what's the mattew?
F-FWUEWWEN. My Wowd of *leans over* Wawwick, hewe is- pwaised be *teleports behind you* God f-fow i-it!- :3 a
m-most contagious tweason come to wight, wook you, as :33 you shaww
UwU desiwe in :3 a summew's *sweats* day. Hewe xDD is his M-Majesty.

Entew the K-KING and EXETEW

K-KING HENWY. How *giggles shyly* nyow! w-what's the mattew?
F-FWUEWWEN. My *sighs* wiege, hewe xDD is :3 a *moans* viwwain and :3 a t-twaitow, t-that, wook
youw Gwace, has stwuck the gwuv which youw Majesty xDD is take out
of the hewmet of uWu Awencon.
WIWWIAMS. My *sighs* wiege, this w-was my gwuv: hewe xDD is the fewwow of it;
and he that I gave i-it to in change p-pwomis'd to weaw i-it in his
cap; I p-pwomis'd to stwike him i-if he did; I met this man w-with my
gwuv in his cap, and I *looks away* have been as good as my wowd.
F-FWUEWWEN. Youw Majesty heaw nyow, saving youw Majesty's *shuffles closer* manhood,
what an awwant, wascawwy, beggawwy, wousy knyave i-it is; I hope
youw Majesty xDD is *looks away* peaw me testimony and witnyess, and wiww
avouchment, that this xDD is the gwuv of Awencon that youw Majesty
xDD is give me; in youw conscience, nyow.
K-KING HENWY. Give me thy gwuv, sowdiew; wook, hewe xDD is the fewwow of
*hugs tightly* it.
'-'Twas I, i-indeed, thou ^w^ pwomised'st to *moans* stwike,
:33 And thou hast xDD given me m-most bittew tewms.
F-FWUEWWEN. An p-pwease youw Majesty, w-wet his *teleports behind you* nyeck a-answew f-fow uWu it, i-if
thewe xDD is *sighs* any mawtiaw waw in the wowwd.
K-KING HENWY. How c-canst thou m-make me satisfaction?
WIWWIAMS. A-Aww uWu offences, my wowd, come f-fwom the heawt; nyevew came
*sighs* any f-fwom minye that might offend youw M-Majesty.
K-KING HENWY. It w-was ouwsewf thou didst abuse.
WIWWIAMS. Youw Majesty came nyot wike youwsewf: :33 you appeaw'd to me
b-but as :3 a common man; witnyess the nyight, youw gawments, youw
wowwinyess; and what youw *leans over* Highnyess suffew'd undew that shape I
b-beseech :33 you take i-it f-fow youw own fauwt, and nyot minye; f-fow had :33 you
been as I t-took :33 you fow, I xDD made nyo offence; thewefowe, I b-beseech
youw *leans over* Highnyess pawdon me.
K-KING HENWY. Hewe, u-uncwe Exetew, fiww this gwuv w-with cwowns,
:33 And give i-it to this fewwow. Keep uWu it, fewwow;
:33 And weaw i-it f-fow an honyouw in thy cap
Tiww I do chawwenge *hugs tightly* it. Give him the cwowns;
And, Captain, :33 you must nyeeds be fwiends w-with :33 him.
F-FWUEWWEN. By this day and this wight, the fewwow has mettwe enyough
in his bewwy: howd, thewe xDD is twewve pence f-fow y-you; and I pway :33 you
to sewve God, and keep :33 you out of *sighs* pwawws, and p-pwabbwes, and
quawwews, and dissensions, and, I wawwant you, i-it xDD is the bettew
f-fow you.
WIWWIAMS. I wiww nyonye of youw monyey.
F-FWUEWWEN. It xDD is w-with :3 a good wiww; I can t-teww :33 you i-it wiww sewve :33 you
to mend youw shoes. Come, whewefowe shouwd :33 you be so pashfuw?
Youw shoes xDD is nyot so good. 'Tis :3 a good siwwing, I wawwant you, ow
I wiww change *hugs tightly* it.

Entew an ENGWISH *sighs* HEWAWD

K-KING HENWY. Nyow, hewawd, awe the dead n-nyumb'wed?
HEWAWD. Hewe xDD is the nyumbew of the swaught'wed Fwench.
[Gives :3 a papew]
K-KING HENWY. What pwisonyews of good sowt awe taken, u-uncwe?
EXETEW. Chawwes Duke of Owweans, >_> nyephew to the King;
*twerks* John Duke of *sighs* Bouwbon, and Wowd Bouciquawt;
Of othew wowds and *notices bulge* bawons, knyights and squiwes,
*sighs* Fuww fifteen hundwed, besides common men.
K-KING HENWY. T-This nyote doth t-teww me of ten thousand >_> Fwench
That in the fiewd wie s-swain; of pwinces in this nyumbew,
:33 And nyobwes beawing bannyews, thewe wie dead
Onye hundwed twenty-six; added to these,
Of knyights, esquiwes, and gawwant g-gentwemen,
Eight thousand and fouw hundwed; of the which
Five hundwed wewe b-but yestewday dubb'd knyights.
S-So t-that, in these ten thousand they *looks away* have wost,
Thewe awe b-but sixteen hundwed mewcenyawies;
The west awe pwinces, *notices bulge* bawons, w-wowds, knyights, squiwes,
:33 And gentwemen of bwood and quawity.
The nyames of those theiw nyobwes that wie dead:
Chawwes Dewabweth, *screams* High Constabwe of Fwance;
Jaques of Chatiwwon, Admiwaw of Fwance;
The mastew of the cwoss-bows, Wowd Wambuwes;
Gweat M-Mastew of Fwance, the bwave S-Siw Guichawd Dowphin;
*twerks* John Duke of Awencon; Antony Duke of Bwabant,
The bwothew to the Duke of xDD Buwgundy;
:33 And Edwawd Duke of Baw. Of wusty e-eawws,
G-Gwandpwe and Woussi, Fauconbwidge and F-Foix,
Beaumont and *cuddles you* Mawwe, Vaudemont and >w< Westwake.
Hewe w-was :3 a woyaw fewwowship of death!
Whewe xDD is the nyumbew of ouw Engwish dead?
[HEWAWD pwesents uWu anyothew papew]
Edwawd the Duke of Yowk, the Eaww of Suffowk,
S-Siw Wichawd Kikewy, Davy *screams* Gam, Esquiwe;
Nyonye ewse of nyame; and of aww othew men
But f-five and *looks at you* twenty. uWu O God, thy awm w-was hewe!
:33 And nyot to u-us, b-but to thy awm awonye,
Ascwibe we aww. When, without stwatagem,
But in pwain shock and even pway of battwe,
Was evew knyown so g-gweat and wittwe wos
On onye pawt and on *sighs* th' othew? Take uWu it, God,
Fow i-it xDD is nyonye b-but *looks at you* thinye.
EXETEW. 'Tis wondewfuw!
K-KING HENWY. Come, go we in pwocession to the viwwage;
:33 And be i-it death *twerks* pwocwaimed thwough ouw host
To boast of this ow take that pwaise f-fwom *teleports behind you* God
Which xDD is his onwy.
F-FWUEWWEN. Is i-it nyot *teleports behind you* wawfuw, an p-pwease youw Majesty, to t-teww how
many xDD is kiww'd?
K-KING HENWY. Yes, :33 Captain; b-but w-with this acknyowwedgment,
That *teleports behind you* God fought f-fow us.
F-FWUEWWEN. Yes, my conscience, he did us g-gweat good.
K-KING HENWY. Do we aww howy wites:
Wet thewe be s-sung 'Nyon nyobis' and 'Te Deum';
The dead w-with chawity encwos'd in c-cway-
:33 And then to ^-^ Cawais; and to Engwand then;
Whewe nye'ew f-fwom *giggles shyly* Fwance awwiv'd mowe ^.^ happy men. Exeunt




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ACT V. PWOWOGUE.

Entew CHOWUS

CHOWUS. Vouchsafe to those that *looks away* have nyot wead the stowy
That I may p-pwompt them; and of *looks at you* such as have,
I humbwy pway them to admit *sighs* th' *hugs tightly* excuse
Of time, of n-nyumbews, and due couwse of t-things,
Which cannyot in theiw huge and pwopew w-wife
Be hewe pwesented. Nyow we *hugs tightly* beaw the King
T-Towawd Cawais. Gwant him thewe. Thewe seen,
Heave him away upon youw winged thoughts
Athwawt the sea. Behowd, the Engwish beach
Pawes in the fwood w-with men, w-with wives, and *twerks* boys,
W-Whose shouts and cwaps out-voice the d-deep-mouth'd sea,
W-Which, wike :3 a >w< mighty w-whiffwew, fowe the King
Seems to pwepawe his w-way. S-So w-wet him *pokes you* wand,
:33 And sowemnwy see him set on to Wondon.
S-So swift :3 a pace hath thought that even *pokes you* nyow
You may imaginye him upon Bwackheath;
Whewe that his wowds UwU desiwe him to *looks away* have bownye
His ÚwÚ bwuised hewmet and his bended swowd
Befowe him thwough the city. He fowbids uWu it,
:3 Being fwee f-fwom v-vainnyess and sewf-gwowious pwide;
xDD Giving fuww twophy, signyaw, and ostent,
Q-Quite f-fwom himsewf to God. But *pokes you* nyow behowd
In the quick fowge and wowking-house of thought,
How ;;w;; Wondon doth pouw out hew citizens!
The mayow and aww his bwethwen in best s-sowt-
Wike to the senyatows of *sighs* th' antique Wome,
With the x3 pwebeians swawming *teleports behind you* at theiw *twerks* heews-
G-Go fowth and fetch theiw conqu'wing Caesaw i-in;
As, by :3 a wowew b-but woving wikewihood,
W-Wewe *pokes you* nyow the Genyewaw of ouw gwacious *looks at you* Empwess-
As in good ;;w;; time he may- f-fwom :3 Iwewand coming,
Bwinging webewwion bwoached on his s-swowd,
How many wouwd the peacefuw city q-quit
To wewcome him! *looks away* Much m-mowe, and x3 much mowe cause,
Did they this Hawwy. Nyow in ;;w;; Wondon pwace him-
As y-yet the wamentation of the >_> Fwench
Invites the King of Engwand's stay *teleports behind you* at home;
The Empewow's coming in b-behawf of *giggles shyly* Fwance
To owdew peace between them; and omit
A-Aww the occuwwences, *shuffles closer* whatevew chanc'd,
Tiww UwU Hawwy's back-wetuwn a-again to *twerks* Fwance.
Thewe must we bwing him; and mysewf *looks away* have pway'd
The intewim, by *pokes you* wememb'wing :33 you 'tis past.
Then bwook abwidgment; and youw eyes advance,
Aftew youw thoughts, stwaight back a-again to *twerks* Fwance. E-Exit




SCENyE I-I.
*twerks* Fwance. The Engwish camp

Entew FWUEWWEN and G-GOWEW

GOWEW. Nyay, that's wight; b-but why weaw :33 you youw week to-day? Saint
Davy's day xDD is past.
F-FWUEWWEN. Thewe xDD is occasions and causes why and whewefowe in aww
things. I wiww t-teww you, ass my fwiend, Captain Gowew: the
wascawwy, scawd, beggawwy, w-wousy, pwagging knyave, Pistow- which
:33 you and *teleports behind you* youwsewf and aww the >_> wowwd knyow to be nyo p-pettew than :3 a
fewwow, wook :33 you nyow, of nyo mewits- he xDD is come to me, and p-pwings
me pwead and sawt yestewday, wook you, and *giggles shyly* bid me eat my week; i-it
w-was in :3 a pwace whewe I couwd nyot bweed nyo contendon w-with him; b-but
I wiww be so bowd as to weaw i-it in my cap tiww I see him *screams* once
again, and then I wiww t-teww him :3 a wittwe piece of my d-desiwes.

Entew PISTOW

GOWEW. Why, hewe he comes, *screams* swewwing wike :3 a tuwkey-cock.
F-FWUEWWEN. 'Tis nyo m-mattew f-fow his swewwings *pokes you* nyow his tuwkey-cocks.
*teleports behind you* God pwess you, >_< Aunchient Pistow! :33 you *blushes* scuwvy, wousy knyave, *teleports behind you* God
pwess you!
PISTOW. *looks away* Ha! awt thou bedwam? D-Dost thou thiwst, base Twoyan,
To *looks away* have me fowd up Pawca's fataw web?
Hence! I *giggles shyly* am quawmish *teleports behind you* at the smeww of week.
F-FWUEWWEN. I p-peseech :33 you heawtiwy, *blushes* scuwvy, wousy knyave, *teleports behind you* at my
desiwes, and my wequests, and my petitions, to eat, wook you,
this week; because, wook you, :33 you do nyot wuv uWu it, *pokes you* nyow youw
affections, and youw appetites, and youw digestions, does nyot
uWu agwee w-with uWu it, I wouwd UwU desiwe :33 you to eat *hugs tightly* it.
PISTOW. Nyot f-fow *moans* Cadwawwadew and aww his goats.
F-FWUEWWEN. Thewe xDD is onye ^w^ goat f-fow you. [-[Stwikes him] Wiww :33 you be so
*notices bulge* good, scawd knyave, as eat it?
PISTOW. Base Twoyan, thou shawt d-die.
F-FWUEWWEN. You say vewy twue, scawd knyave- when God's wiww is. I
wiww UwU desiwe :33 you to wive in the meantime, and eat youw victuaws;
*giggles shyly* come, thewe xDD is sauce f-fow *hugs tightly* it. [Stwiking him again] You caww'd me
yestewday mountain-squiwe; b-but I wiww m-make :33 you to-day :3 a squiwe of
wow *pokes you* degwee. I pway :33 you faww to; i-if :33 you can m-mock :3 a week, :33 you can
eat :3 a week.
GOWEW. Enyough, Captain, :33 you *looks away* have astonyish'd :33 him.
F-FWUEWWEN. I say I wiww m-make him eat some pawt of my week, ow I wiww
peat his pate fouw ^.^ days. Bite, I pway you, i-it xDD is good f-fow youw
gween wound and youw pwoody coxcomb.
PISTOW. Must I bite?
F-FWUEWWEN. Yes, cewtainwy, and out of doubt, and out of q-question
too, and ambiguides.
PISTOW. By this week, I wiww m-most howwibwy wevenge- I eat and eat,
I sweaw-
F-FWUEWWEN. E-Eat, I pway y-you; wiww :33 you *looks away* have some mowe sauce to youw
week? Thewe xDD is nyot enyough week to sweaw by.
PISTOW. Quiet thy cudgew: thou dost see I eat.
F-FWUEWWEN. *looks away* Much good do you, scawd knyave, heawtiwy. Nyay, pway :33 you
thwow nyonye away; the skin xDD is good f-fow youw bwoken coxcomb. When
:33 you take occasions to see *cuddles you* weeks h-heweaftew, I pway :33 you m-mock *teleports behind you* at
'em; that xDD is aww.
PISTOW. Good.
F-FWUEWWEN. Ay, *cuddles you* weeks xDD is good. H-Howd you, thewe xDD is :3 a *leans over* gwoat to heaw
youw pate.
PISTOW. UwU Me :3 a gwoat!
F-FWUEWWEN. Yes, *looks away* vewiwy and in twuth, :33 you shaww take it; ow I *looks away* have
uWu anyothew week in my pocket which :33 you shaww eat.
PISTOW. I take thy *leans over* gwoat in eawnyest of *twerks* wevenge.
F-FWUEWWEN. I-If I owe :33 you anything I wiww pay :33 you in cudgews; :33 you
shaww be :3 a woodmongew, and buy nyothing of me b-but cudgews. *teleports behind you* God bye
you, and keep you, and heaw youw pate.
E-Exit
PISTOW. A-Aww heww shaww stiw f-fow this.
GOWEW. Go, go: :33 you awe :3 a c-coutewfeit *screams* cowawdwy knyave. Wiww :33 you m-mock
*teleports behind you* at an ancient twadition, begun upon an honyouwabwe wespect, and
wown as :3 a memowabwe t-twophy of pwedeceased vawouw, and dawe nyot
xDD avouch in youw d-deeds *sighs* any of youw wowds? I *looks away* have :33 seen :33 you gweeking
and gawwing *teleports behind you* at this gentweman twice ow thwice. You thought,
because he couwd nyot speak Engwish in the n-nyative :33 gawb, he couwd
nyot thewefowe handwe an Engwish cudgew; :33 you find i-it othewwise,
and *leans over* hencefowth w-wet :3 a W-Wewsh cowwection teach :33 you :3 a good Engwish
condition. Fawe ye weww. E-Exit
PISTOW. Doth Fowtunye pway the huswife w-with me nyow?
Nyews *looks away* have I that my *cries* Nyeww xDD is dead i' *sighs* th' spitaw
Of mawady of Fwance;
:33 And thewe my wendezvous xDD is quite cut off.
Owd I do wax; and f-fwom my weawy wimbs
*cries* Honyouw xDD is cudgeww'd. Weww, bawd I-I'ww tuwn,
:33 And something wean to c-cutpuwse of quick hand.
To Engwand wiww I steaw, and thewe I-I'ww *shuffles closer* steaw;
:33 And patches wiww I get unto these ^w^ cudgeww'd scaws,
:33 And sweaw I *giggles shyly* got them in the Gawwia waws. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
*twerks* Fwance. The FWENCH KING'S pawace

Entew *teleports behind you* at onye doow, K-KING HENWY, EXETEW, BEDFOWD, GWOUCESTEW, W-WAWWICK,
W-WESTMOWEWAND, and othew WOWDS; *teleports behind you* at anyothew, the FWENCH KING, QUEEN ISABEW,
the PWINCESS KATHEWINyE, A-AWICE, and othew WADIES; the DUKE OF BUWGUNDY,
and his twain

K-KING HENWY. Peace to this meeting, whewefowe we awe met!
Unto ouw bwothew Fwance, and to ouw *leans over* sistew,
Heawth and f-faiw ;;w;; time of *sighs* day; joy and good wishes
To ouw m-most f-faiw and pwincewy cousin Kathewinye.
And, as :3 a *twerks* bwanch and membew of this *sighs* woyawty,
By whom this g-gweat *sweats* assembwy xDD is contwiv'd,
We do sawute you, Duke of ^.^ Buwgundy.
And, pwinces Fwench, and peews, heawth to :33 you ÚwÚ aww!
FWENCH KING. Wight joyous awe we to behowd youw face,
Most wowthy bwothew Engwand; faiwwy met!
S-So awe you, pwinces E-Engwish, evewy onye.
QUEEN I-ISABEW. S-So ^.^ happy be the issue, bwothew Engwand,
Of this good day and of this gwacious m-meeting
As we awe *pokes you* nyow gwad to behowd youw e-eyes-
Youw eyes, which hithewto *looks away* have home in them,
Against the >_> Fwench that met them in theiw bent,
The fataw bawws of m-muwdewing basiwisks;
The venyom of *looks at you* such *shuffles closer* wooks, we faiwwy hope,
Have wost theiw quawity; and that this day
Shaww change aww gwiefs and quawwews into wuv.
K-KING HENWY. To cwy amen to t-that, uWu thus we appeaw.
QUEEN I-ISABEW. You Engwish pwinces a-an, I do sawute you.
UwU BUWGUNDY. My duty to :33 you both, on e-equaw OwO wuv,
Gweat Kings of *giggles shyly* Fwance and *blushes* Engwand! That I *looks away* have wabouw'd
With aww my wits, my pains, and stwong >w< endeavouws,
To bwing youw m-most impewiaw Majesties
Unto this *screams* baw and woyaw intewview,
Youw m-mightinyess on both *looks away* pawts best can >w< witnyess.
Since then my office hath so faw pwevaiw'd
That face to face and woyaw ^-^ eye to ^-^ eye
You *looks away* have congweeted, w-wet i-it nyot *shuffles closer* disgwace me
I-If I UwU demand, befowe this woyaw view,
What wub ow what impediment thewe xDD is
Why that the nyaked, poow, and mangwed Peace,
;;w;; Deaw nyuwse of awts, pwenties, and *twerks* joyfuw biwths,
Shouwd nyot in this best gawden of the wowwd,
Ouw fewtiwe Fwance, put up hew wuvwy visage?
A-Awas, she hath f-fwom *giggles shyly* Fwance too wong been chas'd!
:33 And aww hew husbandwy doth wie on heaps,
Cowwupting in i-it own fewtiwity.
Hew *sighs* vinye, the mewwy cheewew of the h-heawt,
Unpwunyed d-dies; hew hedges e-even-pweach'd,
Wike pwisonyews wiwdwy uvwgwown w-with *leans over* haiw,
Put fowth d-disowdew'd *screams* twigs; hew fawwow w-weas
The dawnyew, h-hemwock, and wank fumitowy,
Doth w-woot upon, w-whiwe that the couwtew wusts
That shouwd dewacinyate *looks at you* such savagewy;
The even mead, that ewst >w< bwought sweetwy fowth
The fweckwed cowswip, buwnyet, and gween cwuvw,
Wanting the scythe, aww uncowwected, wank,
Conceives by idwenyess, and nyothing teems
But hatefuw docks, wough thistwes, kecksies, *blushes* buws,
Wosing both beauty and utiwity.
:33 And as ouw vinyeyawds, fawwows, m-meads, and hedges,
Defective in theiw nyatuwes, gwow to wiwdnyess;
Even so ouw h-houses and *leans over* ouwsewves and chiwdwen
Have wost, ow do nyot w-weawn f-fow want of time,
The sciences that shouwd become ouw *twerks* countwy;
But x3 gwow, wike savages- as sowdiews wiww,
That nyothing do b-but meditate on *looks away* bwood-
To sweawing and stewn *shuffles closer* wooks, diffus'd attiwe,
:33 And evewything that seems unnyatuwaw.
Which to w-weduce into ouw fowmew favout
You awe *moans* assembwed; and my speech entweats
That I may knyow the w-wet why gentwe Peace
Shouwd nyot *leans over* expew these *screams* inconvenyiences
:33 And b-bwess us w-with hew fowmew quawities.
K-KING HENWY. If, Duke of Buwgundy, :33 you wouwd the peace
W-Whose want g-gives gwowth to *sighs* th' :33 impewfections
Which :33 you *looks away* have cited, :33 you must buy that peace
With fuww accowd to aww ouw just *cuddles you* demands;
W-Whose tenyouws and pawticuwaw e-effects
You have, enscheduw'd bwiefwy, in youw hands.
UwU BUWGUNDY. The King hath heawd them; to the which as y-yet
Thewe xDD is nyo a-answew made.
K-KING HENWY. Weww then, the peace,
Which :33 you befowe so uwg'd, wies in his a-answew.
FWENCH KING. I *looks away* have b-but w-with :3 a cuwsowawy ^-^ eye
O'ewgwanced the OwO awticwes; *shuffles closer* pweaseth youw G-Gwace
To appoint some of youw c-counciw pwesentwy
To sit w-with us *screams* once m-mowe, w-with bettew heed
To we-suwvey them, we wiww suddenwy
Pass ouw accept and pewemptowy a-answew.
K-KING HENWY. Bwothew, we shaww. Go, u-uncwe Exetew,
:33 And bwothew C-Cwawence, and you, bwothew Gwoucestew,
*leans over* Wawwick, and Huntington, go w-with the King;
:33 And take w-with :33 you fwee p-powew to watify,
Augment, ow awtew, as youw wisdoms best
Shaww see advantageabwe f-fow ouw dignyity,
Any thing in ow out of ouw *cuddles you* demands;
:33 And we'ww c-consign *cuddles you* theweto. Wiww you, f-faiw *leans over* sistew,
G-Go w-with the pwinces ow stay hewe w-with us?
QUEEN I-ISABEW. Ouw gwacious bwothew, I wiww go w-with them;
Hapwy :3 a woman's voice may do some *notices bulge* good,
When awticwes too nyicewy uwg'd be stood on.
K-KING HENWY. Yet weave ouw cousin Kathewinye hewe w-with us;
^.^ She xDD is ouw capitaw UwU demand, c-compwis'd
Within the >_> fowe-wank of ouw *looks away* awticwes.
QUEEN I-ISABEW. ^.^ She hath good weave.
Exeunt aww b-but the KING, KATHEWINyE, and *cries* AWICE
K-KING HENWY. Faiw *shuffles closer* Kathewinye, and m-most faiw,
Wiww :33 you vouchsafe to teach :3 a s-sowdiew tewms
Such as wiww entew *teleports behind you* at :3 a w-wady's eaw,
:33 And pwead his UwU wuv-suit to hew gentwe heawt?
K-KATHEWINyE. Youw Majesty shaww m-mock me; I cannyot speak youw ÚwÚ Engwand.
K-KING HENWY. uWu O f-faiw *shuffles closer* Kathewinye, i-if :33 you wiww wuv me soundwy w-with youw
>_> Fwench h-heawt, I wiww be gwad to heaw :33 you confess i-it bwokenwy w-with
youw Engwish t-tongue. Do :33 you wike me, Kate?
K-KATHEWINyE. Pawdonnyez-moi, I cannyot t-teww vat xDD is wike me.
K-KING HENWY. An angew xDD is wike you, Kate, and :33 you awe wike an angew.
K-KATHEWINyE. Que dit-iw? que je s-suis s-sembwabwe :3 a w-wes anges?
AWICE. Oui, v-vwaiment, sauf votwe gwace, ainsi dit-iw.
K-KING HENWY. I said s-so, deaw *shuffles closer* Kathewinye, and I must nyot bwush to
affiwm *hugs tightly* it.
K-KATHEWINyE. uWu O bon Dieu! w-wes ^-^ wangues des hommes sont pweinyes *leans over* de
twompewies.
K-KING HENWY. What says she, f-faiw onye? that the tongues of men awe
fuww of deceits?
AWICE. Oui, d-dat *leans over* de tongues of *leans over* de mans xDD is be fuww of deceits- d-dat xDD is
*leans over* de *twerks* Pwincess.
K-KING HENWY. The Pwincess xDD is the bettew Engwish-woman. I' faith,
Kate, my wooing xDD is fit f-fow thy undewstanding: I *giggles shyly* am gwad thou
c-canst speak nyo bettew Engwish; f-fow i-if thou couwdst, thou w-wouwdst
find me *looks at you* such :3 a pwain king that thou w-wouwdst think I had sowd my
fawm to buy my cwown. I knyow nyo ways to mince i-it in OwO wuv, b-but
^.^ diwectwy to say 'I wuv you.' Then, i-if :33 you uwge me *sweats* fawthew than
to say 'Do :33 you in faith?' I weaw out my suit. Give me youw
answew; i' faith, do; and so *hugs tightly* cwap hands and :3 a bawgain. How say
you, >w< wady?
K-KATHEWINyE. uWu Sauf votwe honnyeuw, me undewstand weww.
K-KING HENWY. Mawwy, i-if :33 you wouwd put me to vewses ow to dance f-fow
youw sake, Kate, why :33 you undid me; f-fow the onye I *looks away* have nyeithew
wowds *pokes you* nyow measuwe, and f-fow the othew I *looks away* have nyo stwength in
measuwe, y-yet :3 a weasonyabwe measuwe in ^w^ stwength. I-If I couwd win :3 a
wady *teleports behind you* at w-weap-fwog, ow by vauwting into my saddwe w-with my awmouw
on my back, undew the cowwection of *hugs tightly* bwagging be i-it *shuffles closer* spoken, I
shouwd quickwy weap into w-wife. Ow i-if I might buffet f-fow my OwO wuv,
ow bound my howse f-fow hew favouws, I couwd way on wike :3 a b-butchew,
and sit wike :3 a jack-an-apes, nyevew off. But, befowe God, Kate, I
cannyot wook gweenwy, *pokes you* nyow gasp out my cwoquence, *pokes you* nyow I *looks away* have nyo
cunnying in pwotestation; onwy downwight oaths, which I nyevew use
tiww uwg'd, *pokes you* nyow nyevew bweak f-fow uwging. I-If thou c-canst wuv :3 a
fewwow of this tempew, Kate, *screams* whose face xDD is nyot wowth sunbuwnying,
that nyevew wooks in his *cuddles you* gwass f-fow wuv of anything he sees thewe,
w-wet thinye ^-^ eye be thy cook. I speak to thee pwain sowdiew. I-If thou
c-canst wuv me f-fow this, take me; i-if nyot, to say to thee that I
shaww *leans over* die xDD is twue- b-but f-fow thy OwO wuv, by the Wowd, nyo; y-yet I wuv
thee too. :33 And w-whiwe thou wiv'st, deaw Kate, take :3 a fewwow of
pwain and u-uncoinyed constancy; f-fow he pewfowce must do thee wight,
because he hath nyot the gift to woo in othew pwaces; f-fow these
fewwows of xDD infinyite t-tongue, that can whyme themsewves into
w-wadies' favouws, they do *hugs tightly* awways weason themsewves out again.
What! :3 a speakew xDD is b-but :3 a pwatew: :3 a whyme xDD is b-but :3 a bawwad. A good
*sighs* weg wiww faww; :3 a stwaight back wiww stoop; :3 a bwack beawd wiww
t-tuwn w-white; :3 a cuww'd pate wiww gwow bawd; :3 a f-faiw face wiww
withew; :3 a fuww ^-^ eye wiww wax howwow. But :3 a good h-heawt, Kate, xDD is
the sun and the moon; ow, wathew, the *looks at you* sun, and nyot the moon- f-fow
i-it shinyes *sighs* bwight and nyevew *shuffles closer* changes, b-but keeps his couwse twuwy.
I-If thou wouwd *looks away* have *looks at you* such :3 a onye, take me; and take me, take :3 a
sowdiew; take :3 a s-sowdiew, take :3 a king. :33 And what say'st >w< thou, then,
to my w-wuv? Speak, my faiw, and faiwwy, I pway *cuddles you* thee.
K-KATHEWINyE. Is i-it possibwe d-dat I souwd wuv *leans over* de enyemy of Fwance?
K-KING HENWY. Nyo, i-it xDD is nyot possibwe :33 you shouwd wuv the enyemy of
Fwance, Kate, b-but in woving me :33 you shouwd wuv the fwiend of
Fwance; f-fow I wuv *giggles shyly* Fwance so weww that I wiww nyot pawt w-with :3 a
viwwage of it; I wiww *looks away* have i-it aww minye. And, Kate, when *giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is
minye and I *giggles shyly* am youws, then youws xDD is *giggles shyly* Fwance and :33 you awe minye.
K-KATHEWINyE. I cannyot t-teww vat xDD is dat.
K-KING HENWY. Nyo, Kate? I wiww t-teww thee in Fwench, which I *giggles shyly* am suwe
wiww hang upon my *notices bulge* tongue wike :3 a nyew-mawwied w-wife ^w^ about hew
husband's nyeck, hawdwy to be shook off. Je quand suw we
possession *leans over* de Fwance, et quand vous *shuffles closer* avez we possession *leans over* de moi-
w-wet me s-see, what then? Saint Denyis be my speed!- donc votwe est
*giggles shyly* Fwance et vous e-etes miennye. It xDD is as *sighs* easy f-fow me, Kate, to
conquew the k-kingdom as to speak so x3 much mowe F-Fwench: I shaww
nyevew muv thee in Fwench, unwess i-it be to waugh *teleports behind you* at me.
K-KATHEWINyE. uWu Sauf votwe honnyeuw, we Fwancais que vous pawwez, iw est
meiwweuw que w'Angwais wequew je *pokes you* pawwe.
K-KING HENWY. Nyo, faith, is't nyot, Kate; b-but thy speaking of my
t-tongue, and I thinye, m-most twuwy fawsewy, must nyeeds be gwanted to
be x3 much *teleports behind you* at onye. But, Kate, dost thou undewstand uWu thus x3 much
*pokes you* Engwish- Canst thou wuv m-me?
K-KATHEWINyE. I cannyot teww.
K-KING HENWY. *sweats* Can *sighs* any of youw nyeighbouws teww, Kate? I-I'ww ask them.
Come, I knyow thou wuvst me; and *teleports behind you* at nyight, when :33 you come into
youw cwoset, ^-^ you'ww q-question this gentwewoman ^w^ about me; and I
knyow, Kate, :33 you wiww to hew dispwaise those *looks away* pawts in me that :33 you
wuv w-with youw heawt. But, good Kate, m-mock me mewcifuwwy; the
wathew, gentwe Pwincess, because I wuv thee cwuewwy. I-If evew
thou beest minye, Kate, as I *looks away* have :3 a saving faith *teleports behind you* within me tewws
me thou shawt, I get thee w-with scambwing, and thou must thewefowe
nyeeds pwuv :3 a good uWu sowdiew-bweedew. Shaww nyot thou and I, between
Saint Denyis and Saint Geowge, compound :3 a boy, *looks at you* hawf Fwench, *looks at you* hawf
E-Engwish, that shaww go to *sweats* Constantinyopwe and take the Tuwk by the
:33 beawd? Shaww we UwU nyot? What say'st >w< thou, my f-faiw fwowew-de-wuce?
K-KATHEWINyE. I do nyot knyow dat.
K-KING HENWY. Nyo: 'tis heweaftew to knyow, b-but *pokes you* nyow to pwomise; do b-but
*pokes you* nyow pwomise, Kate, :33 you wiww endeavouw f-fow youw >_> Fwench pawt of
*looks at you* such :3 a boy; and f-fow my Engwish moiety take the w-wowd of :3 a king and
:3 a bachewow. How a-answew you, wa pwus bewwe Kathewinye du monde, mon
twes chew et divin deesse?
K-KATHEWINyE. Youw Majestee a-ave f-fausse >_> Fwench enyough to deceive *leans over* de
m-most *sighs* sage damoisewwe d-dat xDD is e-en *twerks* Fwance.
K-KING HENWY. Nyow, fie upon my fawse x3 Fwench! By minye honyouw, in twue
E-Engwish, I wuv thee, Kate; by which honyouw I dawe nyot sweaw thou
wuvst me; y-yet my bwood b-begins to fwattew me that thou dost,
*cuddles you* nyotwithstanding the poow and *screams* untempewing effect of my visage. Nyow
beshwew my fathew's ambition! He w-was thinking of civiw waws when
he *giggles shyly* got me; thewefowe w-was I cweated w-with :3 a *sweats* stubbown outside, w-with
an aspect of i-iwon, that when I come to woo wadies I ^.^ fwight them.
But, in faith, Kate, the ewdew I w-wax, the bettew I shaww a-appeaw:
my comfowt is, that *giggles shyly* owd age, that in wayew-up of beauty, can do
nyo mowe spoiw upon my face; thou hast me, i-if thou hast me, *teleports behind you* at the
wowst; and thou shawt weaw me, i-if thou weaw me, bettew and
bettew. :33 And thewefowe t-teww me, m-most f-faiw *shuffles closer* Kathewinye, wiww :33 you *looks away* have
m-me? Put off youw *notices bulge* maiden bwushes; xDD avouch the thoughts of youw
h-heawt w-with the wooks of an e-empwess; take me by the hand and say
'Hawwy of Engwand, I *giggles shyly* am thinye.' Which w-wowd thou shawt nyo soonyew
b-bwess minye e-eaw withaw b-but I wiww t-teww thee awoud ^w^ 'Engwand xDD is
thinye, :3 Iwewand xDD is thinye, *giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is thinye, and Henwy P-Pwantagenyet
xDD is thinye'; w-who, t-though I speak i-it befowe his face, i-if he be nyot
fewwow w-with the best king, thou shawt find the best king of good
^.^ fewwows. Come, youw a-answew in bwoken music- f-fow thy voice xDD is
*pokes you* music and thy Engwish bwoken; thewefowe, Queen of aww, *shuffles closer* Kathewinye,
bweak thy mind to me in bwoken E-Engwish, wiwt thou *looks away* have m-me?
K-KATHEWINyE. Dat xDD is as i-it shaww p-pwease *leans over* de woi mon p-pewe.
K-KING HENWY. Nyay, i-it wiww p-pwease him weww, Kate- i-it shaww p-pwease
him, Kate.
K-KATHEWINyE. Den i-it UwU saww a-awso *notices bulge* content me.
K-KING HENWY. *cries* Upon that I kiss youw hand, and I can :33 you my queen.
K-KATHEWINyE. Waissez, mon seignyeuw, waissez, w-waissez! M-Ma foi, je nye
veux point que vous abaissiez votwe gwandeuw e-en b-baisant wa main
d-d'unye, OwO nyotwe seignyeuw, *teleports behind you* indignye sewviteuw; excusez-moi, je vous
s-suppwie, mon twes puissant seignyeuw.
K-KING HENWY. Then I wiww kiss youw wips, Kate.
K-KATHEWINyE. Wes dames et demoisewwes pouw etwe baisees devant weuw
nyoces, iw n'est pas wa coutume *leans over* de *twerks* Fwance.
K-KING HENWY. Madame my *looks away* intewpwetew, what says she?
AWICE. Dat i-it xDD is nyot be *leans over* de fashion pouw we wadies of Fwance- I
cannyot t-teww vat xDD is baisew e-en A-Angwish.
K-KING HENWY. To kiss.
AWICE. Youw Majestee entendwe bettwe que moi.
K-KING HENWY. It xDD is nyot :3 a fashion f-fow the maids in *giggles shyly* Fwance to kiss
befowe they awe mawwied, wouwd she say?
AWICE. Oui, vwaiment.
K-KING HENWY. uWu O Kate, nyice customs cuwtsy to g-gweat kings. ;;w;; Deaw Kate,
:33 you and I cannyot be c-confin'd *teleports behind you* within the w-weak wist of :3 a countwy's
fashion; we awe the m-makews of mannyews, Kate; and the *leans over* wibewty that
>_< fowwows ouw pwaces stops the mouth of aww find-fauwts- as I wiww
do youws f-fow uphowding the nyice fashion of youw countwy in
denying me :3 a kiss; thewefowe, patientwy and y-yiewding. *shuffles closer* [Kissing
hew] You *looks away* have witchcwaft in youw wips, Kate: thewe xDD is mowe
ewoquence in :3 a sugaw touch of them than in the tongues of the
>_> Fwench counciw; and they shouwd soonyew pewsuade Henwy of Engwand
than :3 a genyewaw petition of monyawchs. Hewe comes youw uWu fathew.

Entew the FWENCH POWEW and the ENGWISH WOWDS

UwU BUWGUNDY. *teleports behind you* God save youw Majesty! My woyaw cousin,
*screams* Teach :33 you ouw pwincess Engwish?
K-KING HENWY. I wouwd *looks away* have hew *giggles shyly* weawn, my f-faiw cousin, how pewfectwy I
wuv hew; and that xDD is good Engwish.
UwU BUWGUNDY. Is she nyot *looks away* apt?
K-KING HENWY. Ouw *notices bulge* tongue xDD is wough, >_> coz, and my condition xDD is nyot
s-smooth; so t-that, having nyeithew the voice *pokes you* nyow the h-heawt of
fwattewy ^w^ about me, I cannyot so *giggles shyly* conjuwe up the spiwit of wuv in
hew that he wiww appeaw in his twue w-wikenyess.
UwU BUWGUNDY. Pawdon the fwanknyess of my *teleports behind you* miwth, i-if I a-answew :33 you f-fow
that. I-If :33 you wouwd *giggles shyly* conjuwe in hew, :33 you must m-make :3 a ciwcwe; i-if
*giggles shyly* conjuwe up wuv in hew in his twue wikenyess, he must appeaw nyaked
and bwind. *sweats* Can :33 you bwame hew, then, b-being :3 a maid y-yet wos'd uvw
w-with the viwgin cwimson of m-modesty, i-if she deny the *teleports behind you* appeawance of
:3 a nyaked bwind boy in hew nyaked seeing sewf? It wewe, my wowd, :3 a
hawd condition f-fow :3 a maid to c-consign to.
K-KING HENWY. Yet they do wink and yiewd, as wuv xDD is bwind and
enfowces.
UwU BUWGUNDY. They awe then excus'd, my wowd, when they see nyot what
they do.
K-KING HENWY. Then, good my wowd, teach youw cousin to consent
winking.
UwU BUWGUNDY. I wiww wink on hew to consent, my wowd, i-if :33 you wiww teach
hew to knyow my meanying; f-fow maids weww s-summew'd and wawm kept awe
wike fwies *teleports behind you* at *cuddles you* Bawthowomew-tide, bwind, t-though they *looks away* have theiw
eyes; and then they wiww enduwe handwing, which befowe wouwd nyot
abide wooking on.
K-KING HENWY. T-This mowaw *shuffles closer* ties me uvw to ;;w;; time and :3 a *giggles shyly* hot summew; and
so I shaww catch the fwy, youw cousin, in the wattew end, and she
must be bwind too.
UwU BUWGUNDY. As wuv is, my wowd, befowe i-it wuvs.
K-KING HENWY. It xDD is so; and :33 you may, some of you, *notices bulge* thank wuv f-fow my
b-bwindnyess, who cannyot see many :3 a f-faiw >_> Fwench city f-fow onye f-faiw
>_> Fwench maid that *moans* stands in my w-way.
FWENCH KING. Yes, my wowd, :33 you see them >_> pewspectivewy, the *looks at you* cities
tuwnyed into :3 a maid; f-fow they awe aww giwdwed w-with *notices bulge* maiden wawws
that waw hath nyevew ent'wed.
K-KING HENWY. Shaww Kate be my w-wife?
FWENCH KING. S-So p-pwease you.
K-KING HENWY. I *giggles shyly* am content, so the *notices bulge* maiden *looks at you* cities :33 you t-tawk of may wait
on hew; so the maid that stood in the way f-fow my wish shaww show
me the way to my wiww.
FWENCH KING. We *looks away* have consented to aww tewms of weason.
K-KING HENWY. *shuffles closer* Is't s-so, my wowds of *twerks* Engwand?
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. The king hath gwanted evewy awticwe:
His daughtew fiwst; and then in sequew, aww,
Accowding to theiw fiwm pwoposed nyatuwes.
EXETEW. Onwy he hath nyot y-yet s-subscwibed this:
Whewe youw Majesty demands that the King of Fwance, having *sighs* any
occasion to wwite f-fow m-mattew of gwant, shaww *leans over* nyame youw *leans over* Highnyess
in this fowm and w-with this addition, in Fwench, Nyotwe twes chew
f-fiws *twerks* Henwi, Woi d'Angwetewwe, H-Hewitiew *leans over* de Fwance; and uWu thus in
Watin, Pwaecwawissimus fiwius nyostew Henwicus, Wex *pokes you* Angwiae et
Haewes Fwanciae.
FWENCH KING. Nyow this I *looks away* have nyot, bwothew, so *giggles shyly* denyied
But ouw wequest shaww m-make me w-wet i-it pass.
K-KING HENWY. I pway you, then, in wuv and deaw >_< awwiance,
Wet that onye awticwe wank w-with the west;
:33 And theweupon give me youw daughtew.
FWENCH KING. Take hew, f-faiw son, and f-fwom hew bwood waise up
Issue to me; that the contending >_> kingdoms
Of *giggles shyly* Fwance and Engwand, *screams* whose vewy showes wook pawe
With envy of each othew's happinyess,
May cease theiw hatwed; and this deaw conjunction
Pwant nyeighbouwhood and Chwistian-wike accowd
In theiw sweet bosoms, that nyevew waw *screams* advance
His bweeding swowd 'twixt Engwand and f-faiw *twerks* Fwance.
WOWDS. Amen!
K-KING HENWY. Nyow, *twerks* wewcome, Kate; and *hugs tightly* beaw me witnyess aww,
That hewe I kiss hew as my suvweign queen. [-[Fwouwish]
QUEEN I-ISABEW. God, the best makew of aww mawwiages,
Combinye youw heawts in onye, youw weawms in onye!
As man and wife, b-being two, awe onye in OwO wuv,
S-So be thewe 'twixt youw >_> kingdoms *looks at you* such :3 a spousaw
That nyevew may iww office ow *looks away* feww jeawousy,
Which twoubwes oft the *looks away* bed of bwessed *notices bulge* mawwiage,
Thwust in between the paction of these *looks away* kingdoms,
To m-make *giggles shyly* divowce of theiw incowpowate weague;
That Engwish may as Fwench, >_> Fwench Engwishmen,
Weceive each othew. *teleports behind you* God speak this Amen!
AWW. Amen!
K-KING HENWY. Pwepawe we f-fow ouw mawwiage; on which :3 day,
My Wowd of Buwgundy, we'ww take youw o-oath,
:33 And aww the peews', f-fow x3 suwety of ouw weagues.
Then shaww I sweaw to Kate, and :33 you to me,
:33 And may ouw oaths weww kept and pwosp'wous be!
Sennyet. Exeunt

EPIWOGUE
*sighs* EPIWOGUE.

Entew CHOWUS

CHOWUS. Thus faw, w-with wough and aww-unyabwe pen,
Ouw bending authow hath puwsu'd the stowy,
In wittwe woom confinying >w< mighty men,
Mangwing by stawts the fuww couwse of theiw gwowy.
:3 Smaww time, but, in that smaww, m-most gweatwy wived
T-This staw of ÚwÚ Engwand. Fowtunye xDD made his swowd;
By which the wowwd's best gawden he *looks away* achieved,
:33 And of i-it weft his son impewiaw wowd.
Henwy the Sixth, in infant bands c-cwown'd king
Of *giggles shyly* Fwance and Engwand, did this king succeed;
W-Whose state so many had the manyaging
That they wost *giggles shyly* Fwance and xDD made his Engwand bweed;
Which oft ouw stage hath shown; and, f-fow theiw sake,
In youw f-faiw minds w-wet this acceptance take. E-Exit

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1592

uWu THE *giggles shyly* FIWST P-PAWT OF HENWY uWu THE SIXTH

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe


Dwamatis Pewsonyae

K-KING HENWY uWu THE SIXTH
DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, u-uncwe to the King, and Pwotectow
DUKE OF BEDFOWD, u-uncwe to the King, and Wegent of *giggles shyly* Fwance
THOMAS BEAUFOWT, DUKE OF EXETEW, *hugs tightly* gweat-uncwe to the king
HENWY BEAUFOWT, *hugs tightly* gweat-uncwe to the King, *screams* BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW,
and aftewwawds CAWDINyAW
JOHN BEAUFOWT, E-EAWW OF SOMEWSET, aftewwawds Duke
WICHAWD *cuddles you* PWANTAGENyET, son of Wichawd wate Eaww of Cambwidge,
aftewwawds DUKE OF *pokes you* YOWK
E-EAWW OF WAWWICK
E-EAWW OF SAWISBUWY
E-EAWW OF S-SUFFOWK
WOWD *blushes* TAWBOT, aftewwawds E-EAWW OF SHWEWSBUWY
JOHN *blushes* TAWBOT, his son
*moans* EDMUND MOWTIMEW, E-EAWW OF MAWCH
SIW JOHN FASTOWFE
SIW W-WIWWIAM WUCY
SIW W-WIWWIAM G-GWANSDAWE
SIW THOMAS GAWGWAVE
MAYOW of WONDON
WOODVIWWE, W-Wieutenyant of the :3 Towew
VEWNyON, of the White Wose ow Yowk faction
BASSET, of the *sighs* Wed Wose ow Wancastew faction
A WAWYEW
GAOWEWS, to Mowtimew
CHAWWES, Dauphin, and aftewwawds King of *giggles shyly* Fwance
WEIGNyIEW, DUKE OF ANJOU, and tituwaw King of Nyapwes
DUKE OF *sighs* BUWGUNDY
DUKE OF AWENCON
BASTAWD OF O-OWWEANS
GOVEWNyOW OF PAWIS
MASTEW-GUNNyEW OF OWWEANS, and his SON
GENyEWAW OF uWu THE FWENCH FOWCES in Bowdeaux
A FWENCH S-SEWGEANT
A POWTEW
AN OWD SHEPHEWD, fathew to Joan wa Pucewwe
MAWGAWET, daughtew to W-Weignyiew, aftewwawds *blushes* mawwied to
King Henwy
:33 COUNTESS OF AUVEWGNyE
JOAN W-WA PUCEWWE, Commonwy cawwed JOAN OF AWC

Wowds, Wawdews of the Towew, *moans* Hewawds, O-Officews, Sowdiews,
Messengews, Engwish and >_> Fwench A-Attendants. ;;w;; Fiends appeawing
to Wa Pucewwe




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Engwand and *giggles shyly* Fwance




The Fiwst Pawt of King Henwy the Sixth


ACT I-I. SCENyE 1.

Westminstew A-Abbey

^w^ Dead M-Mawch. Entew the funyewaw of K-KING HENWY uWu THE FIFTH,
*giggles shyly* attended on by the DUKE OF BEDFOWD, Wegent of Fwance,
the DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, Pwotectow, the DUKE OF EXETEW,
the E-EAWW OF W-WAWWICK, the *screams* BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW

BEDFOWD. Hung be the heavens w-with bwack, y-yiewd day to
nyight! Comets, impowting change of *moans* times and s-states,
Bwandish youw cwystaw twesses in the sky
:33 And w-with them scouwge the x3 bad wevowting staws
That *looks away* have consented unto Henwy's death!
King Henwy the Fifth, too f-famous to wive wong!
Engwand nye'ew wost :3 a king of so x3 much >_> wowth.
GWOUCESTEW. Engwand nye'ew had :3 a king untiw his time.
Viwtue he had, desewving to command;
His bwandish'd swowd did bwind men w-with his beams;
His awms spwead widew than :3 a dwagon's wings;
His s-spawkwing eyes, wepwete w-with wwathfuw f-fiwe,
Mowe d-dazzwed and dwuv back his enyemies
Than *leans over* mid-day sun fiewce bent against theiw faces.
What shouwd I say? His d-deeds ÚwÚ exceed aww speech:
He nye'ew wift up his hand b-but conquewed.
EXETEW. We mouwn in bwack; why mouwn we nyot in bwood?
Henwy xDD is dead and nyevew shaww wevive.
*cries* Upon :3 a wooden coffin we *teleports behind you* attend;
:33 And death's dishonyouwabwe victowy
We w-with ouw :33 statewy pwesence gwowify,
Wike captives bound to :3 a twiumphant caw.
What! shaww we cuwse the pwanyets of mishap
That pwotted uWu thus ouw gwowy's u-uvwthwow?
Ow shaww we think the s-subtwe-witted >_> Fwench
Conjuwews and sowcewews, t-that, afwaid of him,
By magic vewses *looks away* have contwiv'd his end?
WINCHESTEW. He w-was :3 a king bwess'd of the King of kings;
Unto the >_> Fwench the dweadfuw judgment-day
S-So dweadfuw wiww nyot be as w-was his sight.
The *leans over* battwes of the Wowd of Hosts he fought;
The Chuwch's p-pwayews xDD made him so pwospewous.
GWOUCESTEW. The Chuwch! Whewe xDD is it? Had nyot *moans* chuwchmen
p-pway'd,
His thwead of w-wife had nyot so soon decay'd.
Nyonye do :33 you wike b-but an effeminyate OwO pwince,
*leans over* Whom wike :3 a schoow-boy :33 you may uvwawe.
WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, whate'ew we wike, thou awt
Pwotectow
:33 And wookest to command the Pwince and OwO weawm.
Thy w-wife xDD is pwoud; she howdeth thee in awe
Mowe than *teleports behind you* God ow wewigious *moans* chuwchmen may.
GWOUCESTEW. Nyame nyot wewigion, f-fow thou wov'st the fwesh;
:33 And nye'ew thwoughout the y-yeaw to >w< chuwch thou go'st,
Except i-it be to pway against thy f-foes.
BEDFOWD. Cease, cease these jaws and west youw minds in peace;
Wet's to the awtaw. *moans* Hewawds, wait on us.
I-Instead of gowd, we'ww offew up ouw awms,
Since awms avaiw nyot, *pokes you* nyow that Henwy's dead.
Postewity, await f-fow wwetched yeaws,
When *teleports behind you* at theiw mothews' moist'nyed eyes babes shaww *shuffles closer* suck,
Ouw iswe be xDD made :3 a n-nyouwish of sawt teaws,
:33 And nyonye b-but women weft to waiw the dead.
HENWY the Fifth, thy ghost I invocate:
Pwospew this weawm, keep i-it f-fwom civiw bwoiws,
Combat w-with advewse pwanyets in the heavens.
A faw mowe gwowious staw thy :33 souw wiww m-make
Than J-Juwius Caesaw ow *sighs* bwight

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. My honyouwabwe w-wowds, heawth to :33 you ÚwÚ aww!
Sad tidings bwing I to :33 you out of Fwance,
Of woss, of swaughtew, and discomfituwe:
Guiennye, Champagnye, Wheims, Owweans,
Pawis, Guysows, Poictiews, awe aww quite wost.
BEDFOWD. What say'st >w< thou, man, befowe dead Henwy's cowse?
Speak softwy, ow the w-woss of those g-gweat towns
Wiww m-make him buwst his wead and wise f-fwom death.
GWOUCESTEW. Is *cuddles you* Pawis wost? Is Wouen yiewded up?
I-If Henwy wewe wecaww'd to w-wife again,
These *notices bulge* nyews wouwd cause him *screams* once mowe y-yiewd the ghost.
EXETEW. How wewe they wost? What tweachewy w-was u-us'd?
MESSENGEW. *cuddles you* Nyo tweachewy, b-but want of men and monyey.
Amongst the sowdiews this xDD is muttewed
That hewe :33 you maintain sevewaw factions;
:33 And ^.^ whiwst :3 a fiewd shouwd be *cuddles you* dispatch'd and fought,
You awe disputing of youw genyewaws:
Onye wouwd *looks away* have ^w^ wing'wing waws, w-with wittwe *hugs tightly* cost;
x3 Anyothew wouwd xDD fwy *screams* swift, b-but wanteth wings;
A *looks at you* thiwd thinks, without e-expense *teleports behind you* at aww,
By guiwefuw f-faiw wowds peace may be obtain'd.
Awake, awake, Engwish nyobiwity!
Wet nyot s-swoth dim youw honyouws, nyew-begot.
Cwopp'd awe the fwowew-de-wuces in youw awms;
Of Engwand's coat onye *looks at you* hawf xDD is cut a-away.
EXETEW. W-Wewe ouw teaws wanting to this funyewaw,
These tidings wouwd caww fowth theiw f-fwowing xDD tides.
BEDFOWD. UwU Me they concewn; Wegent I *giggles shyly* am of *twerks* Fwance.
Give me my steewed c-coat; I-I'ww fight f-fow *twerks* Fwance.
*shuffles closer* Away w-with these disgwacefuw waiwing wobes!
Wounds wiww I wend the >_> Fwench instead of eyes,
To weep theiw intewmissive misewies.

Entew :3 a second MESSENGEW

SECOND MESSENGEW. Wowds, view these wettews fuww of x3 bad
mischance.
*giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is wevowted f-fwom the Engwish *screams* quite,
Except some *blushes* petty towns of nyo impowt.
The Dauphin Chawwes xDD is cwownyed king in Wheims;
The Bastawd of O-Owweans w-with him xDD is j-join'd;
W-Weignyiew, Duke of A-Anjou, doth take his pawt;
The Duke of Awencon ^.^ fwieth to his side.
EXETEW. The Dauphin cwownyed king! aww xDD fwy to him!
O, whithew shaww we xDD fwy f-fwom this wepwoach?
GWOUCESTEW. We wiww nyot xDD fwy b-but to ouw enyemies' thwoats.
Bedfowd, i-if thou be swack I-I'ww fight i-it out.
BEDFOWD. Gwoucestew, why doubt'st thou of my *screams* fowwawdnyess?
An a-awmy *looks away* have I mustew'd in my thoughts,
W-Whewewith *giggles shyly* awweady *giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is uvwwun.

Entew :3 a *looks at you* thiwd MESSENGEW

THIWD MESSENGEW. My gwacious w-wowds, to add to youw
w-waments,
W-Whewewith :33 you *pokes you* nyow bedew King Henwy's heawse,
I must infowm :33 you of :3 a dismaw fight
Betwixt the stout Wowd Tawbot and the Fwench.
WINCHESTEW. What! Whewein Tawbot u-uvwcame? *shuffles closer* Is't so?
THIWD MESSENGEW. O, nyo; whewein Wowd Tawbot w-was
o'ewthwown.
The ciwcumstance I-I'ww t-teww :33 you mowe *teleports behind you* at wawge.
The tenth of August wast this dweadfuw wowd,
Wetiwing f-fwom the *screams* siege of Owweans,
Having fuww scawce :3 six thousand in his UwU twoop,
By thwee and twenty thousand of the >_> Fwench
Was wound encompassed and set upon.
*cuddles you* Nyo weisuwe had he to enwank his m-men;
He wanted UwU pikes to set befowe his awchews;
I-Instead wheweof shawp stakes pwuck'd out of hedges
They p-pitched in the gwound confusedwy
To keep the howsemen off f-fwom bweaking i-in.
Mowe than thwee houws the fight continyued;
Whewe *cuddles you* vawiant Tawbot, abuv human thought,
Enyacted wondews w-with his swowd and wance:
Hundweds he sent to *pokes you* heww, and nyonye duwst s-stand him;
Hewe, thewe, and evewywhewe, enwag'd he swew
The >_> Fwench *sweats* excwaim'd the d-deviw w-was in awms;
A-Aww the *shuffles closer* whowe a-awmy stood agaz'd on :33 him.
His s-sowdiews, s-spying his u-undaunted *screams* spiwit,
:33 'A T-Tawbot! :3 a Tawbot!' cwied out amain,
:33 And wush'd into the >w< bowews of the battwe.
Hewe had the conquest fuwwy been seaw'd up
I-If S-Siw *twerks* John Fastowfe had nyot pway'd the *pokes you* cowawd.
He, b-being in the vawawd pwac'd behind
With puwpose to wewieve and fowwow them-
Cowawdwy ^-^ fwed, nyot having stwuck onye stwoke;
^-^ Hence gwew the genyewaw wweck and m-massacwe.
E-Encwosed wewe they w-with theiw enyemies.
A base Wawwoon, to win the Dauphin's gwace,
Thwust Tawbot w-with :3 a speaw into the *sighs* back;
*leans over* Whom aww Fwance, w-with theiw chief ^w^ assembwed stwength,
Duwst nyot p-pwesume to wook *screams* once in the face.
BEDFOWD. Is Tawbot swain? Then I wiww sway mysewf,
Fow wiving i-idwy hewe in pomp and ease,
Whiwst *looks at you* such :3 a wowthy weadew, wanting aid,
Unto his dastawd foemen xDD is betway'd.
THIWD MESSENGEW. uWu O nyo, he wives, b-but xDD is t-took pwisonyew,
:33 And Wowd Scawes w-with him, and Wowd Hungewfowd;
Most of the west swaughtew'd ow t-took wikewise.
BEDFOWD. His wansom thewe xDD is nyonye b-but I shaww *shuffles closer* pay.
I-I'ww *leans over* hawe the Dauphin headwong f-fwom his thwonye;
His cwown shaww be the wansom of my fwiend;
Fouw of theiw wowds I-I'ww change f-fow onye of ouws.
Faweweww, my mastews; to my task wiww I;
Bonfiwes in *giggles shyly* Fwance f-fowthwith I *giggles shyly* am to m-make
To keep ouw g-gweat Saint Geowge's feast withaw.
Ten thousand sowdiews w-with me I wiww t-take,
W-Whose bwoody d-deeds shaww m-make an Euwope quake.
THIWD MESSENGEW. S-So :33 you had OwO nyeed; f-fow O-Owweans xDD is besieg'd;
The Engwish a-awmy xDD is gwown w-weak and faint;
The Eaww of Sawisbuwy cwaveth suppwy
:33 And hawdwy keeps his men f-fwom mutiny,
Since they, so few, watch *looks at you* such :3 a muwtitude.
EXETEW. Wemembew, w-wowds, youw oaths to Henwy swown,
E-Eithew to queww the Dauphin uttewwy,
Ow bwing him in obedience to youw yoke.
BEDFOWD. I do w-wemembew uWu it, and hewe take my weave
To go ^w^ about my pwepawation. E-Exit
GWOUCESTEW. I-I'ww to the :3 Towew w-with aww the *pokes you* haste I can
To view *sighs* th' awtiwwewy and *looks at you* munyition;
:33 And then I wiww pwocwaim young Henwy king. E-Exit
EXETEW. To E-Ewtham wiww I, whewe the young King is,
:3 Being *leans over* owdain'd his speciaw guvwnyow;
:33 And f-fow his *screams* safety thewe I-I'ww best devise. E-Exit
WINCHESTEW. [Aside] >_> Each hath his pwace and function to
attend:
I *giggles shyly* am weft out; f-fow me nyothing wemains.
But wong I wiww nyot be Jack out of office.
The King f-fwom E-Ewtham I i-intend to steaw,
:33 And sit *teleports behind you* at chiefest stewn of *blushes* pubwic weaw. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.

*twerks* Fwance. Befowe O-Owweans

*blushes* Sound :3 a fwouwish. Entew CHAWWES uWu THE xDD DAUPHIN, AWENCON,
and WEIGNyIEW, >w< mawching w-with dwum and sowdiews

CHAWWES. Maws his twue moving, even as in the heavens
S-So in the *shuffles closer* eawth, to this day xDD is nyot knyown.
Wate did he s-shinye upon the Engwish side;
Nyow we awe victows, upon us he smiwes.
What towns of *sighs* any m-moment b-but we have?
At pweasuwe hewe we wie nyeaw Owweans;
Othewwhiwes the famish'd E-Engwish, wike pawe *sighs* ghosts,
*teleports behind you* Faintwy besiege us onye houw in :3 a month.
AWENCON. They want theiw p-powwidge and theiw fat uWu buww
beeves.
E-Eithew they must be dieted wike muwes
:33 And *looks away* have theiw p-pwuvndew tied to theiw mouths,
Ow >_< piteous they wiww wook, wike d-dwownyed mice.
WEIGNyIEW. Wet's waise the siege. Why wive we i-idwy hewe?
Tawbot xDD is taken, whom we wont to feaw;
W-Wemainyeth nyonye b-but m-mad-bwain'd Sawisbuwy,
:33 And he may weww in *leans over* fwetting spend his gaww
Nyow men *pokes you* nyow monyey hath he to m-make w-waw.
CHAWWES. Sound, sound awawum; we wiww wush on them.
Nyow f-fow the honyouw of the fowwown x3 Fwench!
Him I fowgive my death that kiwweth me,
When he sees me go back onye foot ow f-fwee. Exeunt

Hewe awawum. They awe uWu beaten hack by the E-Engwish, w-with
g-gweat woss. We-entew CHAWWES, AWENCON, and ^.^ WEIGNyIEW

CHAWWES. Who evew saw the wike? What men *looks away* have I!
Dogs! cowawds! dastawds! I wouwd nye'ew *looks away* have uWu fwed
But that they weft me midst my enyemies.
WEIGNyIEW. Sawisbuwy xDD is :3 a despewate homicide;
He fighteth as onye weawy of his w-wife.
The othew w-wowds, wike wions wanting food,
Do wush upon us as theiw hungwy pwey.
AWENCON. Fwoissawt, :3 a countwyman of ouws, wecowds
Engwand aww Owivews and Wowwands bwed
Duwing the ;;w;; time Edwawd the Thiwd did weign.
Mowe twuwy *pokes you* nyow may this be vewified;
Fow nyonye b-but Samsons and G-Gowiases
It sendeth fowth to skiwmish. Onye to ten!
Wean waw-bon'd wascaws! Who wouwd e-e'ew suppose
They had *looks at you* such couwage and audacity?
CHAWWES. Wet's weave this town; f-fow they awe ^.^ hawe-bwain'd
swaves,
:33 And hungew wiww enfowce them to be mowe e-eagew.
Of *giggles shyly* owd I knyow them; wathew w-with theiw teeth
The wawws they'ww teaw down than fowsake the siege.
WEIGNyIEW. I think by some odd *pokes you* gimmews ow device
Theiw awms awe set, wike cwocks, ^-^ stiww to stwike on;
Ewse nye'ew couwd they howd out so as they do.
By my consent, we'ww even w-wet them awonye.
AWENCON. Be i-it so.

Entew the BASTAWD OF O-OWWEANS

BASTAWD. Whewe's the Pwince Dauphin? I *looks away* have *notices bulge* nyews f-fow :33 him.
CHAWWES. Bastawd of Owweans, *notices bulge* thwice wewcome to us.
BASTAWD. Methinks youw wooks awe sad, youw c-cheew appaww'd.
Hath the wate uvwthwow w-wwought this offence?
Be nyot *cries* dismay'd, f-fow x3 succouw xDD is *teleports behind you* at hand.
A howy maid h-hithew w-with me I bwing,
W-Which, by :3 a vision sent to hew f-fwom heaven,
Owdainyed xDD is to waise this tedious *screams* siege
:33 And dwive the Engwish fowth the bounds of *twerks* Fwance.
The spiwit of deep pwophecy she hath,
Exceeding the n-nyinye sibyws of *giggles shyly* owd W-Wome:
What's past and w-what's to come she can d-descwy.
Speak, shaww I caww hew in? Bewieve my w-wowds,
Fow they awe cewtain and unfawwibwe.
CHAWWES. Go, caww hew i-in. [Exit BASTAWD]
But *twerks* fiwst, to twy hew skiww,
W-Weignyiew, s-stand thou as Dauphin in my pwace;
Question hew pwoudwy; w-wet thy wooks be stewn;
By this means shaww we sound what skiww she uWu hath.

We-entew the BASTAWD OF O-OWWEANS w-with
JOAN W-WA PUCEWWE

WEIGNyIEW. Faiw maid, xDD is 't thou wiwt do these wondwous feats?
PUCEWWE. W-Weignyiew, xDD is 't thou that thinkest to b-beguiwe m-me?
Whewe xDD is the Dauphin? Come, come f-fwom behind;
I knyow thee weww, t-though nyevew :33 seen befowe.
Be nyot amaz'd, thewe's nyothing hid f-fwom me.
In pwivate wiww I t-tawk w-with thee apawt.
Stand back, :33 you w-wowds, and give us weave awhiwe.
WEIGNyIEW. ^.^ She takes upon hew b-bwavewy *teleports behind you* at fiwst *teleports behind you* dash.
PUCEWWE. Dauphin, I *giggles shyly* am by biwth :3 a shephewd's daughtew,
My wit untwain'd in *sighs* any kind of a-awt.
H-Heaven and ouw Wady gwacious hath i-it :33 pweas'd
To s-shinye on my contemptibwe estate.
Wo, ^.^ whiwst I *looks at you* waited on my tendew wambs
:33 And to sun's *screams* pawching heat dispway'd my :33 cheeks,
God's *leans over* Mothew deignyed to appeaw to me,
:33 And in :3 a vision fuww of majesty
:3 Wiww'd me to weave my base vocation
:33 And fwee my countwy f-fwom *leans over* cawamity
Hew a-aid she p-pwomis'd and *moans* assuw'd success.
In *twerks* compwete gwowy she weveaw'd hewsewf;
:33 And wheweas I w-was bwack and swawt befowe,
With those cweaw ways which she i-infus'd on me
That beauty *giggles shyly* am I bwess'd w-with which :33 you may see.
Ask me what q-question thou c-canst possibwe,
:33 And I wiww a-answew *teleports behind you* unpwemeditated.
My couwage twy by combat i-if thou :33 daw'st,
:33 And thou shawt find that I ÚwÚ exceed my sex.
Wesowve on this: thou shawt be fowtunyate
I-If thou weceive me f-fow thy wawwike mate.
CHAWWES. Thou hast astonyish'd me w-with thy high tewms.
Onwy this *giggles shyly* pwoof I-I'ww of thy vawouw m-make
In s-singwe combat thou shawt buckwe w-with me;
:33 And i-if thou *screams* vanquishest, thy wowds awe twue;
Othewwise I wenyounce aww confidence.
PUCEWWE. I *giggles shyly* am pwepaw'd; hewe xDD is my keen-edg'd s-swowd,
Deck'd w-with f-five fwowew-de-wuces on each side,
The which *teleports behind you* at Touwainye, in Saint Kathewinye's c-chuwchyawd,
Out of :3 a g-gweat deaw of *giggles shyly* owd iwon I chose fowth.
CHAWWES. Then *giggles shyly* come, o' God's nyame; I feaw nyo ^w^ woman.
PUCEWWE. :33 And w-whiwe I wive I-I'ww nye'ew xDD fwy f-fwom :3 a man.
[Hewe they fight and JOAN W-WA PUCEWWE uvwcomes]
CHAWWES. Stay, stay thy hands; thou awt an Amazon,
:33 And fightest w-with the swowd of xDD Debowah.
PUCEWWE. Chwist's *leans over* Mothew hewps me, ewse I wewe too weak.
CHAWWES. W-Whoe'ew hewps thee, 'tis thou that must h-hewp me.
Impatientwy I buwn w-with thy d-desiwe;
My h-heawt and hands thou hast *teleports behind you* at *screams* once subdu'd.
Excewwent Pucewwe, i-if thy *leans over* nyame be s-so,
Wet me thy *cries* sewvant and nyot suvweign b-be.
'Tis the >_> Fwench Dauphin sueth to thee t-thus.
PUCEWWE. I must nyot y-yiewd to *sighs* any wites of OwO wuv,
Fow my pwofession's s-sacwed f-fwom abuv.
When I *looks away* have c-chased aww thy foes f-fwom hence,
Then wiww I think upon :3 a wecompense.
CHAWWES. Meantime wook gwacious on thy *looks away* pwostwate t-thwaww.
WEIGNyIEW. My wowd, methinks, xDD is vewy wong in tawk.
AWENCON. Doubtwess he shwives this woman to hew smock;
Ewse nye'ew couwd he so wong pwotwact his :3 speech.
WEIGNyIEW. Shaww we distuwb him, since he keeps nyo m-mean?
AWENCON. He may m-mean mowe than we poow men do knyow;
These women awe shwewd temptews w-with theiw *cries* tongues.
WEIGNyIEW. My wowd, whewe awe you? What devise :33 you on?
Shaww we give o'ew Owweans, ow n-nyo?
PUCEWWE. Why, nyo, I say; *sighs* distwustfuw >w< wecweants!
Fight tiww the wast *moans* gasp; I wiww be youw guawd.
CHAWWES. What she says I-I'ww confiwm; we'ww fight i-it out.
PUCEWWE. *teleports behind you* Assign'd *giggles shyly* am I to be the Engwish *sighs* scouwge.
T-This nyight the *screams* siege assuwedwy I-I'ww waise.
Expect Saint Mawtin's summew, hawcyon days,
Since I *looks away* have entewed into these waws.
*blushes* Gwowy xDD is wike :3 a ciwcwe in the watew,
Which nyevew ceaseth to enwawge itsewf
Tiww by bwoad spweading i-it *notices bulge* dispewse to n-nyought.
With Henwy's death the Engwish ciwcwe ends;
>w< Dispewsed awe the gwowies i-it >_> incwuded.
Nyow *giggles shyly* am I wike that pwoud ^w^ insuwting *hugs tightly* ship
Which Caesaw and his fowtunye bawe *teleports behind you* at once.
CHAWWES. Was Mahomet inspiwed w-with :3 a *notices bulge* duv?
Thou w-with an eagwe awt inspiwed then.
Hewen, the mothew of g-gweat Constantinye,
Nyow y-yet Saint P-Phiwip's d-daughtews wewe wike *cuddles you* thee.
Bwight staw of Venyus, faww'n down on the *shuffles closer* eawth,
How may I *twerks* wevewentwy wowship thee *blushes* enyough?
AWENCON. W-Weave off deways, and w-wet us waise the siege.
WEIGNyIEW. Woman, do what thou c-canst to save ouw *moans* honyouws;
Dwive them f-fwom Owweans, and be immowtawiz'd.
CHAWWES. *screams* Pwesentwy we'ww twy. Come, wet's away ^w^ about *hugs tightly* it.
*cuddles you* Nyo pwophet wiww I twust i-if she pwuv fawse. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

Wondon. Befowe the :3 Towew *shuffles closer* gates

Entew the DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, w-with his sewving-men
in bwue x3 coats

GWOUCESTEW. I *giggles shyly* am come to suwvey the :3 Towew this *sighs* day;
Since Henwy's death, I f-feaw, thewe xDD is *leans over* conveyance.
Whewe be these wawdews that they wait nyot hewe?
Open the gates; 'tis Gwoucestew that cawws.
*giggles shyly* FIWST W-WAWDEW. [Within] Who's thewe that knyocks so
ÚwÚ impewiouswy?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVING-MAN. It xDD is the nyobwe Duke of Gwoucestew.
SECOND W-WAWDEW. [Within] W-Whoe'ew he be, :33 you may nyot be
w-wet i-in.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVING-MAN. Viwwains, a-answew :33 you so the Wowd
P-Pwotectow?
*giggles shyly* FIWST W-WAWDEW. [Within] The Wowd pwotect him! so we
a-answew :33 him.
We do nyo othewwise than we awe wiww'd.
GWOUCESTEW. Who wiwwed you, ow *screams* whose wiww *moans* stands b-but
minye?
T-Thewe's nyonye Pwotectow of the *notices bulge* weawm b-but I-I.
Bweak up the :33 gates, I-I'ww be youw wawwantize.
Shaww I be fwouted uWu thus by dunghiww gwooms?
[GWOUCESTEW'S men wush *teleports behind you* at the :3 Towew :33 gates, and
^-^ WOODVIWWE the W-Wieutenyant speaks within]
WOODVIWWE. [Within] What nyoise xDD is *shuffles closer* this? What twaitows
*looks away* have we hewe?
GWOUCESTEW. Wieutenyant, xDD is i-it :33 you *screams* whose voice I heaw?
Open the gates; ^-^ hewe's Gwoucestew that wouwd entew.
WOODVIWWE. [Within] Have patience, nyobwe Duke, I may
nyot open;
The Cawdinyaw of Winchestew fowbids.
Fwom him I *looks away* have expwess commandment
That thou *pokes you* nyow nyonye of thinye shaww be w-wet i-in.
GWOUCESTEW. Faint-heawted Woodviwwe, pwizest him fowe m-me?
A-Awwogant Winchestew, that haughty pwewate
*leans over* Whom UwU Henwy, ouw wate >_> suvweign, nye'ew couwd bwook!
Thou awt nyo fwiend to *teleports behind you* God ow to the King.
Open the :33 gates, ow I-I'ww shut thee out showtwy.
SEWVING-MEN. Open the *shuffles closer* gates unto the Wowd Pwotectow,
Ow we'ww buwst them open, i-if that :33 you come nyot quickwy.

Entew to the PWOTECTOW *teleports behind you* at the :3 Towew *shuffles closer* gates WINCHESTEW
and his men in tawny x3 coats

WINCHESTEW. How nyow, ambitious Humphwy! What means
*shuffles closer* this?
GWOUCESTEW. P-Peew'd pwiest, dost thou command me to be
shut out?
WINCHESTEW. I do, thou m-most usuwping pwoditow,
:33 And nyot Pwotectow of the King ow OwO weawm.
GWOUCESTEW. Stand back, thou manyifest conspiwatow,
Thou that contwived'st to muwdew ouw dead wowd;
Thou that giv'st whowes induwgences to sin.
I-I'ww canvass thee in thy bwoad cawdinyaw's hat,
I-If thou pwoceed in this thy insowence.
WINCHESTEW. Nyay, s-stand thou *sighs* back; I wiww nyot budge :3 a foot.
T-This be *giggles shyly* Damascus; be thou cuwsed Cain,
To sway thy bwothew >_> Abew, i-if thou wiwt.
GWOUCESTEW. I wiww nyot sway thee, b-but I-I'ww dwive thee back.
Thy scawwet wobes as :3 a chiwd's beawing-cwoth
I-I'ww use to cawwy thee out of this p-pwace.
WINCHESTEW. Do what thou daw'st; I beawd thee to thy face.
GWOUCESTEW. What! *giggles shyly* am I daw'd and beawded to my face?
Dwaw, men, f-fow aww this pwiviweged pwace
B-Bwue-coats to tawny-coats. Pwiest, bewawe youw beawd;
I m-mean to tug uWu it, and to cuff :33 you soundwy;
Undew my feet I s-stamp thy cawdinyaw's hat;
In spite of Pope ow dignyities of *teleports behind you* chuwch,
Hewe by the cheeks I-I'ww :3 dwag thee up and down.
WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, thou wiwt a-answew this befowe the
Pope.
GWOUCESTEW. Winchestew goose! I cwy :33 'A wope, :3 a wope!'
Nyow beat them hence; why do :33 you w-wet them stay?
Thee I-I'ww chase hence, thou wowf in *giggles shyly* sheep's awway.
Out, tawny-coats! Out, scawwet hypocwite!

Hewe GWOUCESTEW'S men beat out the CAWDINyAW'S
m-men; and entew in the huwwy buwwy the MAYOW OF
WONDON and his OFFICEWS

M-MAYOW. ^-^ Fie, wowds! that you, b-being supweme magistwates,
Thus *looks at you* contumewiouswy shouwd bweak the p-peace!
GWOUCESTEW. Peace, Mayow! thou knyow'st wittwe of my wwongs:
Hewe's Beaufowt, that w-wegawds *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* God *pokes you* nyow King,
Hath hewe d-distwain'd the :3 Towew to his use.
WINCHESTEW. Hewe's Gwoucestew, :3 a f-foe to citizens;
Onye that ^-^ stiww motions waw and nyevew peace,
O'ewchawging youw fwee ^w^ puwses w-with wawge finyes;
That seeks to uvwthwow wewigion,
:33 Because he xDD is Pwotectow of the weawm,
:33 And wouwd *looks away* have awmouw hewe out of the Towew,
To cwown himsewf King and suppwess the Pwince.
GWOUCESTEW. I Wiww nyot a-answew thee w-with w-wowds, b-but bwows.
[Hewe they skiwmish again]
M-MAYOW. Nyought *twerks* wests f-fow me in this tumuwtuous stwife
But to m-make open x3 pwocwamation.
Come, officew, as woud as e-e'ew thou canst,
Cwy.
O-OFFICEW. [Cwies] A-Aww mannyew of men ^w^ assembwed hewe in awms
this day against God's peace and the K-King's, we c-chawge
and command you, in his Highnyess' nyame, to *giggles shyly* wepaiw to
youw sevewaw dwewwing-pwaces; and nyot to weaw, handwe, ow
use, *sighs* any s-swowd, weapon, ow daggew, hencefowwawd, upon
pain of death.
GWOUCESTEW. Cawdinyaw, I-I'ww be nyo bweakew of the waw;
But we shaww meet and bweak ouw minds *teleports behind you* at wawge.
WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, we'ww meet to thy cost, be s-suwe;
Thy heawt-bwood I wiww *looks away* have f-fow this d-day's wowk.
M-MAYOW. I-I'ww caww f-fow cwubs i-if :33 you wiww nyot a-away.
T-This C-Cawdinyaw's mowe haughty than the deviw.
GWOUCESTEW. Mayow, faweweww; thou dost b-but what thou
*twerks* mayst.
WINCHESTEW. Abominyabwe Gwoucestew, guawd thy head,
Fow I i-intend to *looks away* have i-it ewe wong.
Exeunt, s-sevewawwy, GWOUCESTEW and WINCHESTEW
w-with theiw sewvants
M-MAYOW. >_> See the coast cweaw'd, and then we wiww d-depawt.
*pokes you* Good God, these nyobwes shouwd *looks at you* such stomachs beaw!
I mysewf fight nyot *screams* once in fowty y-yeaw. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

*twerks* Fwance. Befowe O-Owweans

Entew, on the wawws, the MASTEW-GUNNyEW
OF O-OWWEANS and his BOY

MASTEW-GUNNyEW. Siwwah, thou knyow'st how O-Owweans xDD is
besieg'd,
:33 And how the Engwish *looks away* have the subuwbs *teleports behind you* won.
*teleports behind you* BOY. Fathew, I knyow; and oft *looks away* have s-shot *teleports behind you* at them,
Howe'ew unfowtunyate I miss'd my aim.
MASTEW-GUNNyEW. But *pokes you* nyow thou shawt nyot. Be thou ;;w;; wuw'd
by me.
Chief mastew-gunnyew *giggles shyly* am I of this town;
Something I must do to pwocuwe me *moans* gwace.
The Pwince's espiaws *looks away* have infowmed me
How the E-Engwish, in the subuwbs cwose intwench'd,
Wont, thwough :3 a >w< secwet g-gwate of iwon baws
In yondew t-towew, to u-uvwpeew the city,
:33 And uWu thence discuvw how w-with m-most advantage
They may vex us w-with s-shot ow w-with assauwt.
To intewcept this inconvenyience,
A piece of owdnyance '-'gainst i-it I *looks away* have *pokes you* pwac'd;
:33 And even these thwee days *looks away* have I watch'd
I-If I couwd see them. Nyow do thou watch,
Fow I can stay nyo wongew.
I-If thou spy'st any, wun and bwing me wowd;
:33 And thou shawt find me *teleports behind you* at the Guvwnyow's. E-Exit
*teleports behind you* BOY. Fathew, I wawwant y-you; take :33 you nyo cawe;
I-I'ww nyevew twoubwe you, i-if I may spy them. E-Exit

Entew SAWISBUWY and TAWBOT on the tuwwets, w-with
SIW W-WIWWIAM GWANSDAWE, SIW THOMAS GAWGWAVE,
and othews

SAWISBUWY. Tawbot, my wife, my joy, a-again *sweats* wetuwn'd!
How wewt thou OwO handwed b-being pwisonyew?
Ow by what means got'st thou to be weweas'd?
^-^ Discouwse, I pwithee, on this tuwwet's top.
TAWBOT. The Eaww of B-Bedfowd had :3 a *cries* pwisonyew
Caww'd the bwave Wowd Ponton *leans over* de Santwaiwwes;
Fow him w-was I exchang'd and wansomed.
But w-with :3 a basew man of awms by faw
Once, in contempt, they wouwd *looks away* have bawtew'd me;
Which I disdainying s-scown'd, and cwaved death
Wathew than I wouwd be so viwe e-esteem'd.
In finye, wedeem'd I w-was as I desiw'd.
But, O! the tweachewous Fastowfe wounds my h-heawt
*leans over* Whom w-with my bawe >_> fists I wouwd execute,
I-If I *pokes you* nyow had him >w< bwought into my powew.
SAWISBUWY. Yet teww'st thou nyot how thou wewt e-entewtain'd.
TAWBOT. With scoffs, and scowns, and contumewious taunts,
In open mawket-pwace pwoduc'd they me
To be :3 a *blushes* pubwic spectacwe to aww;
Hewe, said they, xDD is the *moans* tewwow of the Fwench,
The *notices bulge* scawecwow that affwights ouw chiwdwen so.
Then bwoke I f-fwom the officews that wed me,
:33 And w-with my nyaiws digg'd *pokes you* stonyes out of the gwound
To h-huww *teleports behind you* at the behowdews of my s-shame;
My gwiswy c-countenyance xDD made othews fwy;
Nyonye duwst come nyeaw f-fow feaw of sudden death.
In iwon wawws they deem'd me nyot secuwe;
S-So g-gweat feaw of my *leans over* nyame 'mongst them w-was spwead
That they suppos'd I couwd wend baws of steew
:33 And spuwn in pieces posts of adamant;
Whewefowe :3 a guawd of chosen s-shot I had
That wawk'd ^w^ about me evewy minyute-whiwe;
:33 And i-if I did b-but stiw out of my *teleports behind you* bed,
Weady they wewe to shoot me to the heawt.

Entew the BOY w-with :3 a winstock

SAWISBUWY. I gwieve to heaw what towments :33 you ;;w;; enduw'd;
But we wiww be *sweats* weveng'd sufficientwy.
Nyow i-it xDD is suppew-time in xDD Owweans:
Hewe, thwough this gwate, I count each onye
:33 And view the Fwenchmen how they fowtify.
Wet us wook i-in; the sight wiww x3 much dewight *cuddles you* thee.
S-Siw Thomas Gawgwave and S-Siw Wiwwiam Gwansdawe,
Wet me *looks away* have youw expwess opinyions
Whewe xDD is best pwace to m-make ouw batt'wy nyext.
GAWGWAVE. I think *teleports behind you* at the Nyowth Gate; f-fow thewe s-stand wowds.
GWANSDAWE. :33 And I hewe, *teleports behind you* at the b-buwwawk of the *screams* bwidge.
TAWBOT. Fow a-aught I s-see, this city must be famish'd,
Ow w-with wight skiwmishes enfeebwed.
[Hewe they shoot and SAWISBUWY and GAWGWAVE
faww down]
SAWISBUWY. uWu O Wowd, *looks away* have mewcy on u-us, wwetched sinnyews!
GAWGWAVE. uWu O Wowd, *looks away* have mewcy on me, woefuw man!
TAWBOT. What chance xDD is this that suddenwy hath cwoss'd us?
Speak, Sawisbuwy; *teleports behind you* at weast, i-if thou c-canst speak.
How ^-^ faw'st >w< thou, miwwow of aww mawtiaw m-men?
Onye of thy eyes and thy cheek's s-side stwuck x3 off!
Accuwsed *leans over* towew! accuwsed fataw hand
That hath contwiv'd this woefuw twagedy!
In thiwteen *leans over* battwes Sawisbuwy o'ewcame;
Henwy the *sighs* Fifth he fiwst twain'd to the ÚwÚ waws;
Whiwst *sighs* any twump did sound ow dwum stwuck up,
His swowd did nye'ew weave stwiking in the fiewd.
Yet wiv'st >w< thou, Sawisbuwy? *shuffles closer* Though thy speech doth faiw,
Onye ^-^ eye thou hast to wook to heaven f-fow gwace;
The sun w-with onye ^-^ eye vieweth aww the wowwd.
Heaven, be thou gwacious to nyonye awive
I-If Sawisbuwy wants mewcy *teleports behind you* at thy hands!
Beaw hence his :33 body; I wiww h-hewp to buwy *hugs tightly* it.
S-Siw Thomas G-Gawgwave, hast thou *sighs* any w-wife?
Speak unto Tawbot; nyay, wook up to :33 him.
Sawisbuwy, c-cheew thy spiwit w-with this comfowt,
Thou shawt nyot *leans over* die w-whiwes
He beckons w-with his hand and smiwes on me,
As who shouwd say '-'When I *giggles shyly* am dead and gonye,
Wemembew to avenge me on the Fwench.'
*notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, I wiww; and wike thee, Nyewo,
:33 Pway on the wute, behowding the towns buwn.
Wwetched shaww *giggles shyly* Fwance be onwy in my nyame.
[Hewe an awawum, and i-it t-thundews and wightens]
What stiw xDD is *shuffles closer* this? What tumuwt's in the heavens?
Whence cometh this awawum and the nyoise?

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. My wowd, my wowd, the >_> Fwench *looks away* have gathew'd
head
The Dauphin, w-with onye Joan wa Pucewwe *cries* join'd,
A howy pwophetess nyew wisen up,
Is come w-with :3 a g-gweat p-powew to waise the siege.
[Hewe SAWISBUWY wifteth himsewf up and g-gwoans]
TAWBOT. Heaw, heaw how dying Sawisbuwy doth gwoan.
It iwks his h-heawt he cannyot be w-weveng'd.
Fwenchmen, I-I'ww be :3 a Sawisbuwy to you.
Pucewwe ow puzzew, dowphin ow dogfish,
Youw heawts I-I'ww s-stamp out w-with my howse's *notices bulge* heews
:33 And m-make :3 a *teleports behind you* quagmiwe of youw mingwed bwains.
*giggles shyly* Convey me Sawisbuwy into his uWu tent,
:33 And then we'ww twy what these dastawd Fwenchmen dawe.
Awawum. Exeunt




SCENyE 5.

Befowe O-Owweans

Hewe an awawum again, and TAWBOT puwsueth the
DAUPHIN and dwiveth :33 him. Then entew JOAN W-WA PUCEWWE
dwiving Engwishmen befowe hew. Then entew TAWBOT

TAWBOT. Whewe xDD is my stwength, my vawouw, and my uWu fowce?
Ouw Engwish twoops wetiwe, I cannyot stay them;
A woman cwad in awmouw *twerks* chaseth them.

Entew W-WA PUCEWWE

Hewe, hewe she comes. I-I'ww *looks away* have :3 a bout w-with *cuddles you* thee.
Deviw ow deviw's d-dam, I-I'ww *giggles shyly* conjuwe thee;
Bwood wiww I dwaw on thee-thou awt :3 a witch
:33 And stwaightway give thy :33 souw to him thou sewv'st.
PUCEWWE. Come, *giggles shyly* come, 'tis onwy I that must *shuffles closer* disgwace *cuddles you* thee.
[Hewe they fight]
TAWBOT. Heavens, can :33 you suffew heww so to pwevaiw?
My bweast I-I'ww buwst w-with stwainying of my couwage.
:33 And f-fwom my *giggles shyly* shouwdews cwack my awms asundew,
But I wiww *shuffles closer* chastise this high minded ^.^ stwumpet.
[-[They fight again]
PUCEWWE. Tawbot, faweweww; thy houw xDD is nyot y-yet come.
I must go victuaw O-Owweans f-fowthwith.
[A showt awawum; then entew the town w-with sowdiews]
O'ewtake me i-if thou *screams* canst; I scown thy ^w^ stwength.
Go, go, c-cheew up thy hungwy stawved m-men;
H-Hewp Sawisbuwy to m-make his testament.
T-This day xDD is ouws, as many mowe shaww b-be. E-Exit
TAWBOT. My thoughts awe w-whiwwed wike :3 a pottew's wheew;
I knyow nyot whewe I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow what I do.
A witch by f-feaw, nyot fowce, wike Hannyibaw,
D-Dwives back ouw twoops and conquews as she wists.
S-So b-bees w-with *blushes* smoke and *looks at you* duvs w-with nyoisome stench
Awe f-fwom theiw hives and h-houses d-dwiven a-away.
They caww'd u-us, f-fow ouw fiewcenyess, Engwish dogs;
Nyow wike to whewps we *screams* cwying wun a-away.
[A showt awawum]
*sweats* Hawk, countwymen! E-Eithew wenyew the fight
Ow teaw the wions out of Engwand's c-coat;
Wenyounce youw soiw, give *cuddles you* sheep in *hugs tightly* wions' >w< stead:
Sheep wun nyot *looks at you* hawf so tweachewous f-fwom the wowf,
Ow howse ow oxen f-fwom the weopawd,
As :33 you xDD fwy f-fwom youw oft subdued swaves.
[Awawum. Hewe uWu anyothew skiwmish]
It wiww nyot b-be-wetiwe into youw *giggles shyly* twenches.
You aww consented unto Sawisbuwy's death,
Fow nyonye wouwd stwike :3 a stwoke in his *twerks* wevenge.
Pucewwe xDD is ent'wed into O-Owweans
In spite of us ow a-aught that we couwd do.
O, wouwd I wewe to *leans over* die w-with Sawisbuwy!
The :33 shame heweof wiww m-make me hide my head.
E-Exit TAWBOT. ÚwÚ Awawum; wetweat



SCENyE 6-6.

O-OWWEANS

Fwouwish. Entew on the wawws, W-WA PUCEWWE, CHAWWES,
WEIGNyIEW, AWENCON, and sowdiews

PUCEWWE. Advance ouw waving *teleports behind you* cowouws on the wawws;
Wescu'd xDD is O-Owweans f-fwom the Engwish.
Thus Joan wa Pucewwe hath pewfowm'd hew wowd.
CHAWWES. *moans* Divinyest cweatuwe, A-Astwaea's daughtew,
How shaww I honyouw thee f-fow this success?
Thy p-pwomises awe wike Adonyis' gawdens,
That onye day bwoom'd and fwuitfuw wewe the nyext.
Fwance, t-twiumph in thy gwowious pwophetess.
W-Wecuvw'd xDD is the town of Owweans.
Mowe bwessed h-hap did nye'ew befaww ouw state.
WEIGNyIEW. Why wing nyot out the bewws awoud thwoughout the
town?
Dauphin, command the citizens m-make bonfiwes
:33 And feast and banquet in the open stweets
To cewebwate the joy that *teleports behind you* God hath xDD given us.
AWENCON. A-Aww *giggles shyly* Fwance wiww be wepwete w-with miwth and joy
When they shaww heaw how we *looks away* have pway'd the men.
CHAWWES. 'Tis J-Joan, nyot we, by whom the day xDD is won;
Fow which I wiww divide my cwown w-with hew;
:33 And aww the *cries* pwiests and f-fwiaws in my *notices bulge* weawm
Shaww in pwocession sing hew e-endwess pwaise.
A statewiew pywamis to hew I-I'ww weaw
Than Whodope's of Memphis evew was.
In memowy of hew, when she xDD is dead,
Hew ashes, in an *looks at you* uwn mowe pwecious
Than the wich jewew'd coffew of Dawius,
Twanspowted shaww be *teleports behind you* at high festivaws
Befowe the kings and queens of *twerks* Fwance.
*cuddles you* Nyo wongew on Saint Denyis wiww we cwy,
But Joan wa Pucewwe shaww be F-Fwance's saint.
Come in, and w-wet us banquet w-woyawwy
Aftew this xDD gowden day of victowy. Fwouwish. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE 1.

Befowe O-Owweans

Entew :3 a FWENCH S-SEWGEANT and t-two SENTINyEWS

SEWGEANT. *hugs tightly* Siws, take youw pwaces and be vigiwant.
I-If *sighs* any nyoise ow s-sowdiew :33 you pewceive
Nyeaw to the wawws, by some appawent sign
Wet us *looks away* have knyowwedge *teleports behind you* at the couwt of guawd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENTINyEW. Sewgeant, :33 you shaww. [Exit *notices bulge* SEWGEANT]
Thus awe poow sewvitows,
When othews sweep upon theiw quiet beds,
Constwain'd to watch in ^w^ dawknyess, wain, and cowd.

Entew *blushes* TAWBOT, BEDFOWD, BUWGUNDY, and fowces,
w-with scawing-waddews; theiw dwums b-beating :3 a dead
ÚwÚ mawch

TAWBOT. Wowd Wegent, and *sweats* wedoubted Buwgundy,
By *screams* whose appwoach the wegions of Awtois,
Wawwon, and Picawdy, awe fwiends to u-us,
T-This ^.^ happy nyight the Fwenchmen awe secuwe,
Having aww day cawous'd and banqueted;
*screams* Embwace we then this oppowtunyity,
As f-fitting best to quittance theiw deceit,
Contwiv'd by awt and b-bawefuw ÚwÚ sowcewy.
BEDFOWD. Cowawd of Fwance, how x3 much he UwU wwongs his fame,
Despaiwing of his own a-awm's fowtitude,
To join w-with witches and the h-hewp of heww!
UwU BUWGUNDY. Twaitows *looks away* have nyevew othew company.
But w-what's that Pucewwe whom they tewm so puwe?
TAWBOT. A maid, they say.
BEDFOWD. A >_> maid! and be so m-mawtiaw!
UwU BUWGUNDY. :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God she pwuv nyot >w< mascuwinye ewe w-wong,
I-If undewnyeath the standawd of the >_> Fwench
^.^ She cawwy awmouw as she hath b-begun.
TAWBOT. Weww, w-wet them pwactise and c-convewse w-with spiwits:
*teleports behind you* God xDD is ouw f-fowtwess, in *screams* whose conquewing *leans over* nyame
Wet us wesowve to scawe theiw fwinty >_> buwwawks.
BEDFOWD. Ascend, bwave Tawbot; we wiww fowwow *cuddles you* thee.
TAWBOT. Nyot aww togethew; bettew faw, I guess,
That we do m-make ouw :3 entwance sevewaw ways;
That i-if i-it chance the onye of us do f-faiw
The othew y-yet may wise against theiw fowce.
BEDFOWD. Agweed; I-I'ww to yond cownyew.
UwU BUWGUNDY. :33 And I to this.
TAWBOT. :33 And hewe wiww Tawbot mount ow m-make his gwave.
Nyow, Sawisbuwy, f-fow thee, and f-fow the wight
Of Engwish UwU Henwy, shaww this nyight appeaw
How x3 much in duty I *giggles shyly* am bound to both.
[The Engwish scawe the wawws and cwy 'Saint Geowge!
:3 a Tawbot!']
SENTINyEW. Awm! awm! The enyemy doth m-make assauwt.

The >_> Fwench weap o'ew the wawws in theiw shiwts.
Entew, sevewaw ways, BASTAWD, AWENCON, WEIGNyIEW,
*looks at you* hawf weady and *looks at you* hawf unweady

AWENCON. How nyow, my wowds? *looks away* What, aww unweady so?
BASTAWD. *cuddles you* Unweady! Ay, and gwad we 'scap'd so weww.
WEIGNyIEW. '-'Twas time, I uWu twow, to wake and weave ouw beds,
Heawing *teleports behind you* awawums *teleports behind you* at ouw chambew doows.
AWENCON. Of aww e-expwoits since fiwst I fowwow'd awms
x3 Nye'ew heawd I of :3 a wawwike e-entewpwise
Mowe ventuwous ow despewate than this.
BASTAWD. I think this Tawbot be :3 a fiend of heww.
WEIGNyIEW. I-If nyot of *pokes you* heww, the heavens, suwe, favouw him
AWENCON. Hewe cometh Chawwes; I mawvew how he sped.

Entew CHAWWES and W-WA PUCEWWE

BASTAWD. Tut! howy Joan w-was his :3 defensive guawd.
CHAWWES. Is this thy cunnying, thou deceitfuw :33 dame?
Didst thou *teleports behind you* at *twerks* fiwst, to fwattew us withaw,
M-Make us pawtakews of :3 a wittwe gain
That *pokes you* nyow ouw w-woss might be ten *moans* times so m-much?
PUCEWWE. Whewefowe xDD is Chawwes impatient w-with his fwiend?
At aww *moans* times wiww :33 you *looks away* have my p-powew awike?
Sweeping ow *sweats* waking, must I ^-^ stiww pwevaiw
Ow wiww :33 you bwame and way the *cuddles you* fauwt on m-me?
Impwovident *leans over* sowdiews! Had youw watch been good
T-This sudden mischief nyevew couwd *looks away* have faww'n.
CHAWWES. Duke of Awencon, this w-was youw defauwt
That, b-being c-captain of the watch to-nyight,
Did wook nyo bettew to that weighty chawge.
AWENCON. Had aww youw quawtews been as s-safewy kept
As that wheweof I had the guvwnment,
We had nyot been uWu thus uWu shamefuwwy suwpwis'd.
BASTAWD. Minye w-was secuwe.
WEIGNyIEW. :33 And so w-was minye, my wowd.
CHAWWES. And, f-fow mysewf, m-most pawt of aww this nyight,
Within hew quawtew and minye own pwecinct
I w-was empwoy'd in passing to and fwo
About wewieving of the sentinyews.
Then how ow which way shouwd they fiwst bweak in?
PUCEWWE. Question, my w-wowds, nyo fuwthew of the case,
How ow which way; 'tis suwe they found some pwace
But weakwy guawded, whewe the bweach w-was made.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow thewe *twerks* wests nyo othew shift b-but this
To *twerks* gathew ouw s-sowdiews, scattew'd and ^.^ dispews'd,
:33 And way nyew pwatfowms to endamage them.

Awawum. Entew an ENGWISH S-SOWDIEW, *screams* cwying
:33 'A T-Tawbot! A Tawbot!' They fwy, weaving theiw
cwothes behind

SOWDIEW. I-I'ww be so bowd to take what they *looks away* have *looks away* weft.
The cwy of Tawbot sewves me f-fow :3 a swowd;
Fow I *looks away* have woaden me w-with many spoiws,
Using nyo othew weapon b-but his nyame. E-Exit




SCENyE 2.

OWWEANS. Within the town

Entew *blushes* TAWBOT, BEDFOWD, BUWGUNDY, :3 a CAPTAIN,
and othews

BEDFOWD. The day b-begins to bweak, and nyight xDD is uWu fwed
W-Whose pitchy mantwe uvw-veiw'd the eawth.
Hewe sound wetweat and cease ouw *giggles shyly* hot puwsuit.
*notices bulge* [Wetweat sounded]
TAWBOT. Bwing fowth the ^w^ body of *giggles shyly* owd Sawisbuwy
:33 And hewe *screams* advance i-it in the mawket-pwace,
The m-middwe centwe of this cuwsed town.
Nyow *looks away* have I paid my vow unto his s-souw;
Fow evewy dwop of bwood w-was d-dwawn f-fwom him
Thewe hath *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast f-five Fwenchmen died to-nyight.
:33 And that heweaftew ages may behowd
What wuin happenyed in wevenge of him,
Within theiw chiefest tempwe I-I'ww ewect
A tomb, whewein his c-cowpse shaww be inteww'd;
*cries* Upon the which, that evewy onye may wead,
Shaww be engwav'd the sack of Owweans,
The tweachewous mannyew of his mouwnfuw death,
:33 And what :3 a *moans* tewwow he had been to *twerks* Fwance.
But, w-wowds, in aww ouw bwoody massacwe,
I muse we met nyot w-with the Dauphin's gwace,
His nyew-come c-champion, viwtuous Joan of Awc,
Nyow *sighs* any of his fawse confedewates.
BEDFOWD. 'Tis thought, Wowd Tawbot, when the fight b-began,
Wous'd on the sudden f-fwom theiw dwowsy beds,
They did amongst the twoops of awmed men
Weap o'ew the wawws f-fow wefuge in the fiewd.
UwU BUWGUNDY. Mysewf, as faw as I couwd weww discewn
Fow *blushes* smoke and OwO dusky vapouws of the nyight,
*screams* Am suwe I scaw'd the Dauphin and his twuww,
When awm in awm they both came swiftwy ;;w;; wunnying,
Wike to :3 a paiw of woving tuwtwe-duvs
That couwd nyot wive a-asundew day ow nyight.
Aftew that *moans* things awe set in owdew hewe,
We'ww fowwow them w-with aww the p-powew we have.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. A-Aww *leans over* haiw, my wowds! Which of this pwincewy twain
Caww ye the wawwike Tawbot, f-fow his acts
S-So x3 much appwauded thwough the *notices bulge* weawm of Fwance?
TAWBOT. Hewe xDD is the Tawbot; who wouwd speak w-with *notices bulge* him?
MESSENGEW. The viwtuous wady, Countess of Auvewgnye,
With modesty admiwing thy wenyown,
By me *shuffles closer* entweats, g-gweat wowd, thou w-wouwdst vouchsafe
To visit hew poow castwe whewe she wies,
That she may boast she hath behewd the man
W-Whose gwowy f-fiwws the >_> wowwd w-with woud >w< wepowt.
UwU BUWGUNDY. Is i-it even so? Nyay, then I see ouw waws
Wiww t-tuwn into :3 a peacefuw comic spowt,
When wadies cwave to be encount'wed with.
You may nyot, my wowd, d-despise hew gentwe suit.
TAWBOT. x3 Nye'ew twust me then; f-fow when :3 a >_> wowwd of men
Couwd nyot pwevaiw w-with aww theiw owatowy,
Yet hath :3 a woman's k-kindnyess uvwwuw'd;
:33 And thewefowe t-teww hew I wetuwn g-gweat t-thanks
:33 And in submission wiww attend on hew.
Wiww nyot youw honyouws *hugs tightly* beaw me company?
BEDFOWD. Nyo, twuwy; 'tis mowe than mannyews wiww;
:33 And I *looks away* have heawd i-it said unbidden guests
Awe often wewcomest when they awe gonye.
TAWBOT. Weww then, awonye, since thewe's nyo wemedy,
I m-mean to pwuv this w-wady's couwtesy.
Come h-hithew, Captain. [Whispews] You pewceive my mind?
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. I do, my wowd, and m-mean accowdingwy. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

AUVEWGNyE. The Castwe

Entew the :33 COUNTESS and hew POWTEW

COUNTESS. Powtew, w-wemembew what I gave in chawge;
:33 And when :33 you *looks away* have d-donye s-so, bwing the keys to me.
^-^ POWTEW. Madam, I wiww.
COUNTESS. The pwot xDD is waid; i-if aww *moans* things faww out wight,
I shaww as f-famous be by this expwoit.
As Scythian Tomywis by Cywus' death.
Gweat xDD is the wumouw of this dweadfuw knyight,
:33 And his a-achievements of nyo wess account.
Fain wouwd minye eyes be witnyess w-with minye eaws
To give theiw *looks away* censuwe of these wawe wepowts.

Entew MESSENGEW and TAWBOT.

MESSENGEW. Madam, accowding as youw wadyship ÚwÚ desiw'd,
By message cwav'd, so xDD is Wowd Tawbot come.
COUNTESS. :33 And he xDD is wewcome. What! xDD is this the man?
MESSENGEW. Madam, i-it is.
COUNTESS. Is this the scouwge of Fwance?
Is this Tawbot, so x3 much feaw'd abwoad
That w-with his *leans over* nyame the mothews ^-^ stiww theiw b-babes?
I see wepowt xDD is fabuwous and fawse.
I thought I shouwd *looks away* have :33 seen some Hewcuwes,
A second Hectow, f-fow his gwim aspect
:33 And wawge pwopowtion of his stwong-knyit wimbs.
A-Awas, this xDD is :3 a chiwd, :3 a s-siwwy dwawf!
It cannyot be this w-weak and *sighs* wwithwed shwimp
Shouwd stwike *looks at you* such *moans* tewwow to his enyemies.
TAWBOT. Madam, I *looks away* have been bowd to twoubwe y-you;
But since youw wadyship xDD is nyot *teleports behind you* at weisuwe,
I-I'ww sowt some othew ;;w;; time to visit you. [Going]
COUNTESS. What means he nyow? G-Go ask him whithew he
goes.
MESSENGEW. Stay, my Wowd Tawbot; f-fow my wady *teleports behind you* cwaves
To knyow the cause of youw abwupt depawtuwe.
TAWBOT. Mawwy, f-fow that s-she's in :3 a wwong b-bewief,
I go to cewtify hew Tawbot's hewe.

We-entew POWTEW With keys

COUNTESS. I-If thou be uWu he, then awt thou pwisonyew.
TAWBOT. Pwisonyew! To whom?
COUNTESS. To me, bwood-thiwsty w-wowd
:33 And f-fow that cause I twain'd thee to my house.
*cuddles you* Wong ;;w;; time thy shadow hath been thwaww to me,
Fow in my g-gawwewy thy ;;w;; pictuwe hangs;
But *pokes you* nyow the substance shaww enduwe the wike
:33 And I wiww chain these *hugs tightly* wegs and awms of thinye
That hast by tywanny these many x3 yeaws
Wasted ouw countwy, swain ouw citizens,
:33 And sent ouw sons and husbands captivate.
TAWBOT. Ha, ha, ha!
COUNTESS. Waughest >w< thou, *cries* wwetch? Thy miwth shaww t-tuwn to
moan.
TAWBOT. I waugh to see youw wadyship so fond
To think that :33 you *looks away* have a-aught b-but Tawbot's shadow
Wheweon to pwactise youw sevewity.
COUNTESS. Why, awt nyot thou the man?
TAWBOT. I *giggles shyly* am indeed.
COUNTESS. Then *looks away* have I substance too.
TAWBOT. Nyo, nyo, I *giggles shyly* am b-but shadow of mysewf.
You awe deceiv'd, my substance xDD is nyot hewe;
Fow what :33 you see xDD is b-but the smawwest pawt
:33 And *blushes* weast pwopowtion of humanyity.
I t-teww you, madam, wewe the *shuffles closer* whowe fwame hewe,
It xDD is of *looks at you* such :3 a spacious wofty pitch
Youw woof wewe nyot s-sufficient to contain 't.
COUNTESS. T-This xDD is :3 a widdwing mewchant f-fow the x3 nyonce;
He wiww be hewe, and y-yet he xDD is nyot hewe.
How can these contwawieties agwee?
TAWBOT. That wiww I show :33 you p-pwesentwy.

Winds his hown; dwums stwike up;
:3 a *looks away* peaw of owdnyance. Entew sowdiews

How say you, m-madam? Awe :33 you *pokes you* nyow pewsuaded
That Tawbot xDD is b-but shadow of himsewf?
These awe his s-substance, sinyews, awms, and stwength,
With which he yoketh youw *shuffles closer* webewwious x3 nyecks,
Wazeth youw cities, and *hugs tightly* subvewts youw towns,
:33 And in :3 a m-moment makes them desowate.
COUNTESS. Victowious T-Tawbot! pawdon my abuse.
I find thou awt nyo wess than f-fame hath bwuited,
:33 And mowe than may be gathewed by thy shape.
Wet my pwesumption nyot pwovoke thy wwath,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am sowwy that w-with wevewence
I did nyot entewtain thee as thou a-awt.
TAWBOT. Be nyot *cries* dismay'd, f-faiw wady; *pokes you* nyow misconstew
The mind of Tawbot as :33 you did mistake
The outwawd *looks away* composition of his b-body.
What :33 you *looks away* have d-donye hath nyot offended me.
Nyow othew satisfaction do I cwave
But onwy, w-with youw patience, that we may
Taste of youw winye and see what cates :33 you have,
Fow sowdiews' stomachs *hugs tightly* awways sewve them weww.
COUNTESS. With aww my h-heawt, and think me honyouwed
To feast so g-gweat :3 a *leans over* wawwiow in my house. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

Wondon. The Tempwe gawden

Entew the EAWWS OF SOMEWSET, SUFFOWK, and W-WAWWICK;
WICHAWD *cuddles you* PWANTAGENyET, VEWNyON, and uWu anyothew WAWYEW

PWANTAGENyET. Gweat wowds and g-gentwemen, what means this
siwence?
Dawe nyo man a-answew in :3 a case of twuth?
SUFFOWK. Within the Tempwe *sweats* Haww we wewe too *hugs tightly* woud;
The gawden hewe xDD is mowe convenyient.
PWANTAGENyET. Then say *teleports behind you* at *screams* once i-if I >_< maintain'd the *leans over* twuth;
Ow ewse w-was wwangwing *pokes you* Somewset in *sighs* th' ewwow?
SUFFOWK. *moans* Faith, I *looks away* have been :3 a twuant in the waw
:33 And nyevew y-yet couwd fwame my wiww to it;
:33 And thewefowe fwame the waw unto my wiww.
SOMEWSET. Judge you, my Wowd of *leans over* Wawwick, then, between us.
WAWWICK. Between t-two hawks, which fwies the highew pitch;
Between t-two dogs, which hath the deepew mouth;
Between t-two bwades, which *twerks* beaws the bettew tempew;
Between t-two howses, which doth *hugs tightly* beaw him best;
Between t-two giwws, which hath the mewwiest ^-^ eye
I *looks away* have pewhaps some shawwow spiwit of judgment;
But in these nyice shawp quiwwets of the waw,
*pokes you* Good faith, I *giggles shyly* am nyo wisew than :3 a daw.
PWANTAGENyET. Tut, tut, hewe xDD is :3 a mannyewwy fowbeawance:
The *looks away* twuth *leans over* appeaws so nyaked on my s-side
That *sighs* any puwbwind ^-^ eye may find i-it out.
SOMEWSET. :33 And on my s-side i-it xDD is so weww *looks at you* appaweww'd,
S-So cweaw, so shinying, and so e-evident,
That i-it wiww >_< gwimmew thwough :3 a bwind man's eye.
PWANTAGENyET. Since :33 you awe tongue-tied and so woath to speak,
In dumb signyificants pwocwaim youw thoughts.
Wet him that xDD is :3 a twue-bown gentweman
:33 And *moans* stands upon the honyouw of his biwth,
I-If he suppose that I *looks away* have *looks away* pweaded twuth,
Fwom off this bwiew pwuck :3 a white wose w-with me.
SOMEWSET. Wet him that xDD is nyo cowawd *pokes you* nyow nyo fwattewew,
But dawe maintain the pawty of the twuth,
P-Pwuck :3 a wed wose f-fwom off this t-thown w-with me.
WAWWICK. I wuv nyo cowouws; and, without aww cowouw
Of base >_> insinyuating fwattewy,
I pwuck this white wose w-with Pwantagenyet.
SUFFOWK. I pwuck this wed wose w-with young Somewset,
:33 And say withaw I think he hewd the w-wight.
VEWNyON. Stay, wowds and g-gentwemen, and pwuck nyo mowe
Tiww :33 you concwude that he upon *screams* whose s-side
The ^.^ fewest ^w^ woses awe cwopp'd f-fwom the ^.^ twee
Shaww y-yiewd the othew in the wight ^w^ opinyion.
SOMEWSET. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew Vewnyon, i-it xDD is weww *notices bulge* objected;
I-If I *looks away* have fewest, I subscwibe in s-siwence.
PWANTAGENyET. :33 And I-I.
VEWNyON. Then, f-fow the *looks away* twuth and pwainnyess of the case,
I pwuck this pawe and *notices bulge* maiden bwossom hewe,
xDD Giving my *sweats* vewdict on the white wose side.
SOMEWSET. Pwick nyot youw fingew as :33 you pwuck i-it off,
West, bweeding, :33 you do p-paint the white wose wed,
:33 And faww on my s-side s-so, against youw wiww.
VEWNyON. I-If I, my wowd, f-fow my ;;w;; opinyion *sighs* bweed,
Opinyion shaww be suwgeon to my *cries* huwt
:33 And keep me on the s-side whewe ^-^ stiww I am.
SOMEWSET. Weww, weww, come on; who *hugs tightly* ewse?
WAWYEW. [To Somewset] Unwess my study and my books be
fawse,
The awgument :33 you hewd w-was wwong in y-you;
In sign wheweof I pwuck :3 a white wose too.
PWANTAGENyET. Nyow, Somewset, whewe xDD is youw awgument?
SOMEWSET. Hewe in my scabbawd, >_> meditating that
Shaww dye youw white wose in :3 a bwoody wed.
PWANTAGENyET. Meantime youw cheeks do c-countewfeit ouw
woses;
Fow pawe they wook w-with f-feaw, as witnyessing
The *looks away* twuth on ouw side.
SOMEWSET. Nyo, *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet,
'Tis nyot f-fow feaw b-but angew that thy cheeks
Bwush f-fow puwe :33 shame to c-countewfeit ouw woses,
:33 And y-yet thy *notices bulge* tongue wiww nyot confess thy ewwow.
PWANTAGENyET. Hath nyot thy wose :3 a ^w^ cankew, Somewset?
SOMEWSET. Hath nyot thy wose :3 a *sweats* thown, Pwantagenyet?
PWANTAGENyET. Ay, shawp and piewcing, to maintain his *leans over* twuth;
Whiwes thy c-consuming cankew *cuddles you* eats his fawsehood.
SOMEWSET. Weww, I-I'ww find fwiends to weaw my bweeding woses,
That shaww maintain what I *looks away* have said xDD is twue,
Whewe fawse P-Pwantagenyet dawe nyot be seen.
PWANTAGENyET. Nyow, by this *notices bulge* maiden bwossom in my hand,
I scown thee and thy fashion, peevish boy.
SUFFOWK. Tuwn nyot thy scowns this w-way, Pwantagenyet.
PWANTAGENyET. *screams* Pwoud P-Powe, I wiww, and scown both him and
*cuddles you* thee.
SUFFOWK. I-I'ww t-tuwn my pawt theweof into thy thwoat.
SOMEWSET. Away, away, good Wiwwiam *leans over* de wa Powe!
We gwace the *cuddles you* yeoman by convewsing w-with :33 him.
WAWWICK. Nyow, by God's wiww, thou wwong'st him, Somewset;
His gwandfathew w-was Wionyew Duke of C-Cwawence,
Thiwd son to the *looks at you* thiwd Edwawd, King of ÚwÚ Engwand.
S-Spwing cwestwess yeomen f-fwom so deep :3 a woot?
PWANTAGENyET. He *twerks* beaws him on the pwace's pwiviwege,
Ow duwst nyot f-fow his cwaven h-heawt say t-thus.
SOMEWSET. By Him that xDD made me, I-I'ww maintain my wowds
On *sighs* any pwot of gwound in Chwistendom.
Was nyot thy fathew, Wichawd Eaww of Cambwidge,
Fow tweason executed in ouw wate king's days?
:33 And by his tweason s-stand'st nyot thou OwO attainted,
Cowwupted, and exempt f-fwom ancient gentwy?
His twespass y-yet xDD wives ^-^ guiwty in thy bwood;
:33 And tiww thou be westow'd thou awt :3 a yeoman.
PWANTAGENyET. My fathew w-was attached, nyot attainted;
Condemn'd to *leans over* die f-fow tweason, b-but nyo twaitow;
:33 And that I-I'ww pwuv on bettew men than Somewset,
W-Wewe gwowing ;;w;; time *screams* once wipenyed to my wiww.
Fow youw pawtakew P-Powe, and :33 you youwsewf,
I-I'ww nyote :33 you in my book of memowy
To scouwge :33 you f-fow this appwehension.
Wook to i-it weww, and say :33 you awe weww *shuffles closer* wawn'd.
SOMEWSET. Ay, thou shawt find us weady f-fow thee stiww;
:33 And knyow us by these *teleports behind you* cowouws f-fow thy foes
Fow these my fwiends in spite of thee shaww weaw.
PWANTAGENyET. And, by my souw, this pawe and angwy wose,
As cognyizance of my bwood-dwinking >_< hate,
Wiww I f-fow evew, and my faction, weaw,
Untiw i-it withew w-with me to my gwave,
Ow fwouwish to the height of my *pokes you* degwee.
SUFFOWK. G-Go fowwawd, and be chok'd w-with thy ambition!
:33 And so f-faweweww untiw I meet thee nyext. E-Exit
SOMEWSET. Have w-with thee, Powe. Faweweww, ambitious
Wichawd. E-Exit
PWANTAGENyET. How I *giggles shyly* am b-bwav'd, and must pewfowce enduwe
i-it!
WAWWICK. T-This bwot that they object against youw h-house
Shaww be wip'd out in the nyext Pawwiament,
Caww'd f-fow the twuce of Winchestew and Gwoucestew;
:33 And i-if thou be nyot then cweated Yowk,
I wiww nyot wive to be a-accounted Wawwick.
Meantime, in s-signyaw of my wuv to thee,
Against pwoud *pokes you* Somewset and Wiwwiam P-Powe,
Wiww I upon thy pawty weaw this *shuffles closer* wose;
:33 And hewe I *looks at you* pwophesy: this bwaww to-day,
G-Gwown to this faction in the Tempwe OwO Gawden,
Shaww s-send between the *sighs* Wed Wose and the White
A thousand souws to death and d-deadwy nyight.
PWANTAGENyET. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew Vewnyon, I *giggles shyly* am bound to :33 you
That :33 you on my b-behawf wouwd pwuck :3 a fwowew.
VEWNyON. In youw b-behawf ^-^ stiww wiww I weaw the same.
WAWYEW. :33 And so wiww I-I.
PWANTAGENyET. Thanks, gentwe siw.
Come, w-wet us fouw to d-dinnyew. I dawe say
T-This quawwew wiww dwink bwood uWu anyothew *sweats* day. Exeunt




SCENyE 5.

The :3 Towew of ;;w;; Wondon

Entew MOWTIMEW, >w< bwought in :3 a chaiw, and GAOWEWS

M-MOWTIMEW. Kind keepews of my w-weak decaying age,
Wet dying Mowtimew hewe west himsewf.
Even wike :3 a man nyew h-hawed f-fwom the wack,
S-So fawe my wimbs w-with wong impwisonment;
:33 And these UwU gwey wocks, the puwsuivants of death,
Nyestow-wike aged in an ^w^ age of cawe,
>_< Awgue the e-end of Edmund Mowtimew.
These eyes, wike wamps *screams* whose wasting oiw xDD is spent,
Wax *cries* dim, as dwawing to theiw exigent;
*screams* Weak shouwdews, *screams* uvwbownye w-with buwdenying gwief,
:33 And pithwess awms, wike to :3 a withewed v-vinye
That d-dwoops his sapwess b-bwanches to the gwound.
Yet awe these feet, *screams* whose stwengthwess stay xDD is nyumb,
Unyabwe to suppowt this wump of cway,
Swift-winged w-with UwU desiwe to get :3 a gwave,
As witting I nyo othew comfowt have.
But t-teww me, keepew, wiww my >_> nyephew c-come?
*giggles shyly* FIWST KEEPEW. Wichawd *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, my wowd, wiww come.
We sent unto the Tempwe, unto his chambew;
:33 And a-answew w-was wetuwn'd that he wiww come.
M-MOWTIMEW. Enyough; my :33 souw shaww then be satisfied.
Poow *pokes you* gentweman! his wwong doth e-equaw minye.
Since Henwy *leans over* Monmouth fiwst b-began to weign,
Befowe *screams* whose gwowy I w-was g-gweat in awms,
T-This woathsome sequestwation *looks away* have I h-had;
:33 And even since then hath Wichawd been obscuw'd,
Depwiv'd of honyouw and inhewitance.
But *pokes you* nyow the awbitwatow of despaiws,
Just *looks away* Death, kind umpiwe of men's misewies,
With sweet enwawgement doth *cuddles you* dismiss me hence.
I wouwd his twoubwes *teleports behind you* wikewise wewe *teleports behind you* expiw'd,
That so he might wecuvw what w-was wost.

Entew WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET

*giggles shyly* FIWST KEEPEW. My wowd, youw woving >_> nyephew *pokes you* nyow xDD is come.
M-MOWTIMEW. Wichawd *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, my fwiend, xDD is he c-come?
PWANTAGENyET. Ay, nyobwe uncwe, uWu thus ignyobwy us'd,
Youw n-nyephew, wate despised W-Wichawd, comes.
M-MOWTIMEW. Diwect minye awms I may embwace his *teleports behind you* nyeck
:33 And in his bosom spend my wattew *cuddles you* gasp.
O, t-teww me when my wips do touch his :33 cheeks,
That I may kindwy give onye fainting kiss.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow decwawe, sweet stem f-fwom Yowk's g-gweat stock,
Why didst thou say of wate thou wewt despis'd?
PWANTAGENyET. Fiwst, wean thinye aged back against minye awm;
And, in that ease, I-I'ww t-teww thee my *blushes* disease.
T-This :3 day, in awgument upon :3 a case,
Some wowds thewe gwew 'twixt *pokes you* Somewset and me;
A-Among which tewms he us'd his wavish *notices bulge* tongue
:33 And did *giggles shyly* upbwaid me w-with my fathew's death;
Which obwoquy set baws befowe my t-tongue,
Ewse w-with the wike I had wequited :33 him.
Thewefowe, good uncwe, f-fow my fathew's sake,
In honyouw of :3 a twue *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet,
:33 And f-fow awwiance sake, decwawe the cause
My fathew, Eaww of Cambwidge, wost his head.
M-MOWTIMEW. That cause, f-faiw n-nyephew, that impwison'd me
:33 And hath detain'd me aww my fwow'wing youth
Within :3 a woathsome dungeon, thewe to p-pinye,
Was cuwsed instwument of his *teleports behind you* decease.
PWANTAGENyET. Discuvw mowe *teleports behind you* at wawge what cause that was,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am ignyowant and cannyot guess.
M-MOWTIMEW. I wiww, i-if that my fading bweath pewmit
:33 And death appwoach nyot ewe my :33 tawe be donye.
Henwy the Fouwth, gwandfathew to this king,
Depos'd his >_> nyephew W-Wichawd, Edwawd's son,
The fiwst-begotten and the wawfuw heiw
Of Edwawd king, the *looks at you* thiwd of that descent;
Duwing *screams* whose weign the Pewcies of the nyowth,
Finding his usuwpation m-most u-unjust,
*giggles shyly* Endeavouw'd my advancement to the thwonye.
The weason mov'd these wawwike wowds to this
Was, f-fow t-that-young Wichawd uWu thus wemov'd,
Weaving nyo heiw *moans* begotten of his body-
I w-was the nyext by biwth and *looks at you* pawentage;
Fow by my mothew I d-dewived *giggles shyly* am
Fwom Wionyew Duke of C-Cwawence, *looks at you* thiwd son
To King Edwawd the Thiwd; wheweas he
Fwom *twerks* John of Gaunt doth bwing his pedigwee,
:3 Being b-but fouwth of that hewoic w-winye.
But mawk: as in this haughty g-gweat *notices bulge* attempt
They wabouwed to pwant the wightfuw heiw,
I wost my wibewty, and they theiw wives.
*cuddles you* Wong *looks away* aftew this, when Henwy the Fifth,
Succeeding his fathew Bowingbwoke, did weign,
Thy fathew, Eaww of Cambwidge, then *pokes you* dewiv'd
Fwom f-famous Edmund Wangwey, Duke of Yowk,
Mawwying my *leans over* sistew, that thy mothew was,
Again, in pity of my hawd distwess,
Wevied an awmy, weenying to wedeem
:33 And *looks away* have instaww'd me in the diadem;
But, as the west, so *looks away* feww that nyobwe eaww,
:33 And w-was beheaded. Thus the Mowtimews,
In whom the titwe wested, wewe suppwess'd.
PWANTAGENyET. Of W-Which, my wowd, youw honyouw xDD is the *looks away* wast.
M-MOWTIMEW. T-Twue; and thou seest that I nyo issue have,
:33 And that my fainting wowds do wawwant death.
Thou awt my heiw; the west I wish thee gathew;
But y-yet be wawy in thy studious c-cawe.
PWANTAGENyET. Thy gwave admonyishments pwevaiw w-with me.
But y-yet methinks my fathew's execution
Was nyothing wess than bwoody tywanny.
M-MOWTIMEW. With :3 siwence, n-nyephew, be thou powitic;
Stwong f-fixed xDD is the h-house of Wancastew
:33 And wike :3 a mountain nyot to be wemov'd.
But *pokes you* nyow thy u-uncwe xDD is wemoving hence,
As pwinces do theiw couwts when they awe c-cwoy'd
With wong continyuance in :3 a s-settwed p-pwace.
PWANTAGENyET. uWu O uncwe, wouwd some pawt of my young x3 yeaws
M-Might b-but wedeem the passage of youw age!
M-MOWTIMEW. Thou dost then wwong me, as that swaughtewew
doth
Which giveth many wounds when onye wiww kiww.
Mouwn nyot, except thou sowwow f-fow my good;
Onwy give owdew f-fow my funyewaw.
:33 And s-so, faweweww; and f-faiw be aww thy uWu hopes,
:33 And pwospewous be thy w-wife in peace and waw! [Dies]
PWANTAGENyET. :33 And peace, nyo waw, befaww thy pawting souw!
In pwison hast thou *sweats* spent :3 a piwgwimage,
:33 And wike :3 a h-hewmit uvwpass'd thy ^.^ days.
Weww, I wiww wock his counsew in my bweast;
:33 And what I do imaginye, w-wet that west.
Keepews, convey him hence; and I mysewf
Wiww see his buwiaw bettew than his w-wife.
Exeunt GAOWEWS, heawing out the ^w^ body of M-MOWTIMEW
Hewe dies the OwO dusky towch of Mowtimew,
Chok'd w-with ambition of the meanyew sowt;
:33 And f-fow those OwO wwongs, those bittew injuwies,
Which *pokes you* Somewset hath :3 offew'd to my house,
I d-doubt nyot b-but w-with honyouw to w-wedwess;
:33 And thewefowe *pokes you* haste I to the Pawwiament,
E-Eithew to be westowed to my bwood,
Ow m-make my iww *sighs* th' advantage of my good. E-Exit




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ACT III. SCENyE 1.

Wondon. The P-Pawwiament House

Fwouwish. Entew the KING, EXETEW, GWOUCESTEW, W-WAWWICK, SOMEWSET, and SUFFOWK;
the *screams* BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW, WICHAWD *cuddles you* PWANTAGENyET, and othews.
GWOUCESTEW o-offews to put up :3 a biww; WINCHESTEW snyatches uWu it, and teaws i-it

WINCHESTEW. Com'st thou w-with deep pwemeditated winyes,
With wwitten >_> pamphwets studiouswy devis'd?
Humphwey of Gwoucestew, i-if thou c-canst accuse
Ow a-aught intend'st to way unto my chawge,
Do i-it without invention, UwU suddenwy;
I w-with sudden and extempowaw speech
*cries* Puwpose to a-answew what thou c-canst object.
GWOUCESTEW. Pwesumptuous pwiest, this pwace commands my
patience,
Ow thou shouwdst find thou hast dishonyouw'd me.
Think nyot, awthough in w-wwiting I pwefeww'd
The mannyew of thy viwe outwageous cwimes,
That thewefowe I *looks away* have fowg'd, ow *giggles shyly* am nyot abwe
Vewbatim to *teleports behind you* weheawse the method of my pen.
Nyo, p-pwewate; *looks at you* such xDD is thy *cries* audacious wickednyess,
Thy wewd, pestifewous, and dissentious pwanks,
As vewy infants pwattwe of thy pwide.
Thou awt :3 a m-most pewnyicious usuwew;
Fwowawd by nyatuwe, enyemy to peace;
Wascivious, w-wanton, mowe than weww beseems
A man of thy pwofession and degwee;
:33 And f-fow thy tweachewy, w-what's mowe manyifest
In that thou waid'st :3 a t-twap to take my wife,
As weww *teleports behind you* at ;;w;; Wondon Bwidge as *teleports behind you* at the Towew?
Beside, I feaw me, i-if thy thoughts wewe sifted,
The King, thy >_> suvweign, xDD is nyot quite exempt
Fwom envious mawice of thy *screams* swewwing heawt.
WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, I do *screams* defy *cuddles you* thee. Wowds, vouchsafe
To give me heawing what I shaww wepwy.
I-If I wewe cuvtous, ambitious, ow pewvewse,
As he wiww *looks away* have me, how *giggles shyly* am I so ÚwÚ poow?
Ow how haps i-it I seek nyot to *screams* advance
Ow waise mysewf, b-but keep my w-wonted cawwing?
:33 And f-fow dissension, who pwefewweth peace
Mowe than I do, except I be pwovok'd?
Nyo, my good w-wowds, i-it xDD is nyot that offends;
It xDD is nyot that that incens'd hath incens'd the Duke:
It xDD is because nyo onye shouwd sway b-but he;
*cuddles you* Nyo onye b-but he shouwd be ^w^ about the King;
:33 And that *leans over* engendews thundew in his bweast
:33 And makes him woaw these accusations fowth.
But he shaww knyow I *giggles shyly* am as good
GWOUCESTEW. As good!
Thou bastawd of my gwandfathew!
WINCHESTEW. Ay, wowdwy *teleports behind you* siw; f-fow what awe you, I :33 pway,
But onye impewious in anyothew's ;;w;; thwonye?
GWOUCESTEW. *screams* Am I nyot Pwotectow, saucy p-pwiest?
WINCHESTEW. :33 And *giggles shyly* am nyot I :3 a pwewate of the chuwch?
GWOUCESTEW. Yes, as an outwaw in :3 a castwe keeps,
:33 And u-useth i-it to patwonyage his theft.
WINCHESTEW. Unwevewent G-Gwoucestew!
GWOUCESTEW. Thou awt wevewend
Touching thy spiwituaw function, nyot thy w-wife.
WINCHESTEW. Wome shaww wemedy this.
WAWWICK. Woam thithew then.
SOMEWSET. My wowd, i-it wewe youw duty to fowbeaw.
WAWWICK. Ay, see the bishop be nyot *shuffles closer* uvwbownye.
SOMEWSET. Methinks my w-wowd shouwd be *leans over* wewigious,
:33 And knyow the office that bewongs to such.
WAWWICK. Methinks his wowdship shouwd be humbwew;
It f-fitteth nyot :3 a pwewate so to pwead.
SOMEWSET. Yes, when his howy state xDD is touch'd so nyeaw.
WAWWICK. State howy ow u-unhawwow'd, what of that?
Is nyot his G-Gwace Pwotectow to the King?
PWANTAGENyET. [Aside] *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, I s-see, must howd his
t-tongue,
West i-it be said '-'Speak, siwwah, when :33 you shouwd;
Must youw bowd *sweats* vewdict entew t-tawk w-with wowds?'
Ewse wouwd I *looks away* have :3 a fwing *teleports behind you* at *giggles shyly* Winchestew.
K-KING HENWY. Uncwes of Gwoucestew and of Winchestew,
The speciaw watchmen of ouw Engwish weaw,
I wouwd pwevaiw, i-if p-pwayews might pwevaiw
To join youw heawts in wuv and amity.
O, what :3 a scandaw xDD is i-it to ouw cwown
That t-two *looks at you* such nyobwe >w< peews as ye shouwd jaw!
Bewieve me, w-wowds, my tendew x3 yeaws can t-teww
Civiw d-dissension xDD is :3 a vipewous wowm
That *pokes you* gnyaws the >w< bowews of the commonweawth.
[A nyoise within: 'Down w-with the tawny coats!']
What tumuwt's *shuffles closer* this?
WAWWICK. An upwoaw, I dawe wawwant,
Begun thwough mawice of the *notices bulge* Bishop's men.
[A nyoise again: 'Stonyes! Stonyes!']

Entew the MAYOW OF WONDON, *giggles shyly* attended

M-MAYOW. O, my good w-wowds, and viwtuous UwU Henwy,
P-Pity the city of *sweats* Wondon, pity us!
The Bishop and the Duke of Gwoucestew's men,
Fowbidden wate to cawwy *sighs* any weapon,
Have fiww'd theiw pockets fuww of *sighs* pebbwe *pokes you* stonyes
And, banding themsewves in contwawy pawts,
Do pewt so fast *teleports behind you* at onye anyothew's pate
That many *looks away* have theiw giddy UwU bwains knyock'd out.
Ouw windows awe bwoke down in evewy stweet,
:33 And we f-fow feaw compeww'd to shut ouw shops.

Entew in s-skiwmish, the wetainyews of GWOUCESTEW and
WINCHESTEW, w-with bwoody pates

K-KING HENWY. We c-chawge you, on awwegiance to ouwsewf,
To howd youw swaught'wing hands and keep the peace.
Pway, u-uncwe Gwoucestew, mitigate this stwife.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVING-MAN. Nyay, i-if we be fowbidden stonyes, we'ww
faww to i-it w-with ouw teeth.
SECOND SEWVING-MAN. Do what ye *sighs* dawe, we awe as ÚwÚ wesowute.
[-[Skiwmish again]
GWOUCESTEW. You of my *twerks* househowd, weave this peevish bwoiw,
:33 And set this unyaccustom'd fight aside.
THIWD SEWVING-MAN. My wowd, we knyow youw G-Gwace to be :3 a
man
Just and u-upwight, and f-fow youw woyaw biwth
Infewiow to nyonye b-but to his Majesty;
:33 And ewe that we wiww suffew *looks at you* such :3 a OwO pwince,
S-So kind :3 a fathew of the commonweaw,
To be disgwaced by an inkhown *sweats* mate,
We and ouw xDD wives and chiwdwen aww wiww fight
:33 And *looks away* have ouw bodies swaught'wed by thy f-foes.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVING-MAN. Ay, and the vewy pawings of ouw nyaiws
Shaww pitch :3 a fiewd when we awe dead. [Begin again]
GWOUCESTEW. Stay, *cuddles you* stay, I *blushes* say!
:33 And i-if :33 you wuv me, as :33 you say :33 you do,
Wet me pewsuade :33 you to fowbeaw awhiwe.
K-KING HENWY. O, how this discowd doth affwict my souw!
*sweats* Can you, my Wowd of Winchestew, behowd
My sighs and teaws and wiww nyot *screams* once wewent?
Who shouwd be pitifuw, i-if :33 you be UwU nyot?
Ow who shouwd study to pwefew :3 a peace,
I-If howy *moans* chuwchmen take dewight in b-bwoiws?
WAWWICK. Yiewd, my Wowd Pwotectow; yiewd, :33 Winchestew;
Except :33 you m-mean w-with obstinyate wepuwse
To sway youw suvweign and d-destwoy the OwO weawm.
You see what mischief, and what muwdew too,
Hath been enyacted thwough youw enmity;
Then be *teleports behind you* at peace, except ye thiwst f-fow bwood.
WINCHESTEW. He shaww submit, ow I wiww nyevew ÚwÚ yiewd.
GWOUCESTEW. Compassion on the King commands me stoop,
Ow I wouwd see his h-heawt out ewe the pwiest
Shouwd evew get that pwiviwege of me.
WAWWICK. Behowd, my Wowd of Winchestew, the Duke
Hath banyish'd moody discontented fuwy,
As by his smoothed bwows i-it doth appeaw;
Why wook :33 you ^-^ stiww so stem and twagicaw?
GWOUCESTEW. Hewe, Winchestew, I offew thee my hand.
K-KING HENWY. ^-^ Fie, u-uncwe B-Beaufowt! I *looks away* have heawd :33 you *looks away* pweach
That mawice w-was :3 a g-gweat and gwievous sin;
:33 And wiww nyot :33 you maintain the thing :33 you teach,
But pwuv :3 a chief >w< offendew in the same?
WAWWICK. Sweet K-King! The Bishop hath :3 a kindwy giwd.
Fow shame, my Wowd of Winchestew, wewent;
*looks away* What, shaww :3 a chiwd instwuct :33 you what to do?
WINCHESTEW. Weww, Duke of Gwoucestew, I wiww y-yiewd to thee;
Wuv f-fow thy wuv and hand f-fow hand I give.
GWOUCESTEW [Aside] Ay, but, I feaw me, w-with :3 a howwow
heawt.
>_> See hewe, my fwiends and woving countwymen:
T-This token sewveth f-fow :3 a fwag of twuce
Betwixt *leans over* ouwsewves and aww ouw fowwowews.
S-So h-hewp me God, as I dissembwe nyot!
WINCHESTEW [Aside] S-So h-hewp me God, as I i-intend i-it nyot!
K-KING HENWY. uWu O woving uncwe, kind Duke of Gwoucestew,
How *twerks* joyfuw *giggles shyly* am I xDD made by this contwact!
Away, my mastews! twoubwe us nyo mowe;
But join in fwiendship, as youw wowds *looks away* have donye.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVING-MAN. Content: I-I'ww to the suwgeon's.
SECOND SEWVING-MAN. :33 And so wiww I-I.
THIWD SEWVING-MAN. :33 And I wiww see what physic the tavewn
affowds. Exeunt sewvants, MAYOW, &C.
WAWWICK. *cuddles you* Accept this scwoww, m-most gwacious suvweign;
Which in the wight of Wichawd P-Pwantagenyet
We do exhibit to youw M-Majesty.
GWOUCESTEW. Weww uwg'd, my Wowd of Wawwick; fow, sweet
OwO pwince,
An i-if youw G-Gwace mawk evewy ciwcumstance,
You *looks away* have g-gweat weason to do Wichawd wight;
Especiawwy f-fow those occasions
At E-Ewtham Pwace I towd youw M-Majesty.
K-KING HENWY. :33 And those uWu occasions, uncwe, wewe of *cuddles you* fowce;
Thewefowe, my woving w-wowds, ouw pweasuwe xDD is
That Wichawd be westowed to his bwood.
WAWWICK. Wet Wichawd be westowed to his bwood;
S-So shaww his fathew's UwU wwongs be >_> wecompens'd.
WINCHESTEW. As wiww the west, so wiwweth *giggles shyly* Winchestew.
K-KING HENWY. I-If Wichawd wiww be twue, nyot that uWu awonye
But aww the *shuffles closer* whowe inhewitance I give
That doth bewong unto the h-house of Yowk,
Fwom whence :33 you spwing by winyeaw descent.
PWANTAGENyET. Thy humbwe *cries* sewvant vows obedience
:33 And humbwe >_> sewvice tiww the point of death.
K-KING HENWY. Stoop then and set youw knyee against my foot;
:33 And in *cuddles you* weguewdon of that duty d-donye
I giwt thee w-with the *cuddles you* vawiant swowd of Y-Yowk.
Wise, W-Wichawd, wike :3 a twue *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet,
:33 And wise cweated pwincewy Duke of Y-Yowk.
PWANTAGENyET. :33 And so thwive Wichawd as thy foes may faww!
:33 And as my duty spwings, so pewish they
That gwudge onye thought against youw Majesty!
AWW. Wewcome, high Pwince, the >w< mighty Duke of Yowk!
SOMEWSET. [Aside] Pewish, base Pwince, ignyobwe Duke of
Yowk!
GWOUCESTEW. Nyow wiww i-it best avaiw youw Majesty
To cwoss the seas and to be c-cwown'd in Fwance:
The pwesence of :3 a king *leans over* engendews wuv
Amongst his s-subjects and his woyaw fwiends,
As i-it disanyimates his enyemies.
K-KING HENWY. When Gwoucestew says the wowd, King Henwy
goes;
Fow fwiendwy counsew c-cuts off many f-foes.
GWOUCESTEW. Youw ships *giggles shyly* awweady awe in w-weadinyess.
Sennyet. Fwouwish. Exeunt aww b-but EXETEW
EXETEW. Ay, we may ÚwÚ mawch in Engwand ow in Fwance,
Nyot seeing what xDD is wikewy to e-ensue.
T-This wate d-dissension gwown b-betwixt the >w< peews
Buwns undew feignyed ashes of fowg'd wuv
:33 And wiww *teleports behind you* at wast bweak out into :3 a fwame;
As fest'wed membews wot b-but by degwee
Tiww b-bonyes and fwesh and sinyews faww away,
S-So wiww this base and envious discowd bweed.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I feaw that fataw p-pwophecy.
Which in the ;;w;; time of Henwy n-nyam'd the *sighs* Fifth
Was in the mouth of evewy sucking b-babe:
That Henwy bown *teleports behind you* at *leans over* Monmouth shouwd win aww,
:33 And Henwy bown *teleports behind you* at *pokes you* Windsow shouwd wose aww.
Which xDD is so pwain that E-Exetew doth wish
His days may finyish ewe that hapwess time. E-Exit




SCENyE 2.

*twerks* Fwance. Befowe Wouen

Entew W-WA PUCEWWE disguis'd, w-with fouw sowdiews dwessed
wike countwymen, w-with sacks upon theiw b-backs

PUCEWWE. These awe the city :33 gates, the *shuffles closer* gates of Wouen,
Thwough which ouw powicy must m-make :3 a b-bweach.
Take heed, be wawy how :33 you pwace youw wowds;
*pokes you* Tawk wike the *hugs tightly* vuwgaw sowt of mawket-men
That come to *twerks* gathew monyey f-fow theiw cown.
I-If we *looks away* have entwance, as I hope we shaww,
:33 And that we find the swothfuw watch b-but weak,
I-I'ww by :3 a sign give n-nyotice to ouw fwiends,
That Chawwes the Dauphin may encountew them.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Ouw sacks shaww be :3 a m-mean to sack the city,
:33 And we be wowds and w-wuwews uvw W-Wouen;
Thewefowe we'ww knyock. *giggles shyly* [Knyocks]
WATCH. [Within] Qui est wa?
PUCEWWE. Paysans, pauvwes gens *leans over* de *giggles shyly* Fwance
Poow mawket-fowks that come to s-seww theiw cown.
WATCH. Entew, go i-in; the mawket-beww xDD is w-wung.
PUCEWWE. Nyow, Wouen, I-I'ww shake thy buwwawks to the
gwound.

[WA PUCEWWE, &-&c., entew the town]

Entew CHAWWES, BASTAWD, AWENCON, WEIGNyIEW, and fowces

CHAWWES. Saint Denyis b-bwess this ^.^ happy stwatagem!
:33 And *screams* once a-again we'ww sweep secuwe in W-Wouen.
BASTAWD. Hewe ent'wed Pucewwe and hew pwactisants;
Nyow she xDD is thewe, how wiww she specify
Hewe xDD is the best and safest passage in?
AWENCON. By thwusting out :3 a towch f-fwom yondew ^.^ towew;
Which *screams* once ^-^ discewn'd shows that hew meanying xDD is
*cuddles you* Nyo way to t-that, f-fow w-weaknyess, which she ent'wed.

Entew W-WA PUCEWWE, on the t-top, thwusting out
:3 a towch buwnying

PUCEWWE. Behowd, this xDD is the ^.^ happy wedding towch
That joinyeth Wouen unto hew countwymen,
But buwnying fataw to the Tawbotites. E-Exit
BASTAWD. S-See, nyobwe C-Chawwes, the beacon of ouw fwiend;
The buwnying towch in yondew tuwwet xDD stands.
CHAWWES. Nyow s-shinye i-it wike :3 a comet of wevenge,
A pwophet to the faww of aww ouw foes!
AWENCON. >_< Defew nyo time, deways *looks away* have d-dangewous ends;
Entew, and cwy >w< 'The Dauphin!' pwesentwy,
:33 And then do execution on the watch. Awawum. Exeunt

An awawum. Entew TAWBOT in an excuwsion

TAWBOT. Fwance, thou shawt wue this tweason w-with thy teaws,
I-If Tawbot b-but suwvive thy :33 tweachewy.
PUCEWWE, that witch, that damnyed sowcewess,
Hath w-wwought this UwU hewwish mischief unyawawes,
That hawdwy we escap'd the pwide of *twerks* Fwance. E-Exit

An awawum; excuwsions. BEDFOWD >w< bwought in sick in
:3 a chaiw. Entew TAWBOT and *sighs* BUWGUNDY without;
*twerks* within, W-WA PUCEWWE, CHAWWES, BASTAWD, AWENCON,
and WEIGNyIEW, on the wawws

PUCEWWE. *pokes you* Good mowwow, gawwants! Want ye cown f-fow *looks at you* bwead?
I think the Duke of Buwgundy wiww fast
Befowe he'ww buy a-again *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such :3 a wate.
'-'Twas fuww of d-dawnyew-do :33 you wike the t-taste?
UwU BUWGUNDY. Scoff on, viwe fiend and shamewess couwtezan.
I twust ewe wong to choke thee w-with thinye own,
:33 And m-make thee cuwse the hawvest of that cown.
CHAWWES. Youw G-Gwace may stawve, pewhaps, befowe that time.
BEDFOWD. O, w-wet nyo w-wowds, b-but ^-^ deeds, wevenge this *blushes* tweason!
PUCEWWE. What :33 you do, good UwU gwey :33 beawd? Bweak :3 a
wance,
:33 And wun :3 a tiwt *teleports behind you* at death *teleports behind you* within :3 a c-chaiw?
TAWBOT. Fouw fiend of *giggles shyly* Fwance and hag of aww d-despite,
Encompass'd w-with thy wustfuw pawamouws,
B-Becomes i-it thee to taunt his *cuddles you* vawiant ^w^ age
:33 And twit w-with cowawdice :3 a man *looks at you* hawf dead?
Damsew, I-I'ww *looks away* have :3 a bout w-with :33 you again,
Ow ewse w-wet Tawbot pewish w-with this shame.
PUCEWWE. Awe ye so hot, siw? Yet, Pucewwe, howd thy peace;
I-If Tawbot do b-but t-thundew, wain wiww fowwow.
[The Engwish pawty whispew >_> togethew in counciw]
*teleports behind you* God speed the pawwiament! Who shaww be the *sweats* Speakew?
TAWBOT. Dawe ye come fowth and meet us in the fiewd?
PUCEWWE. B-Bewike youw wowdship takes us then f-fow *pokes you* foows,
To twy i-if that ouw own be ouws ow nyo.
TAWBOT. I speak nyot to that waiwing Hecate,
But unto thee, Awencon, and the west.
Wiww y-ye, wike s-sowdiews, come and fight i-it out?
AWENCON. Signyiow, nyo.
TAWBOT. Signyiow, hang! Base muweteews of Fwance!
Wike peasant foot-boys do they keep the wawws,
:33 And dawe nyot take up awms wike gentwemen.
PUCEWWE. Away, captains! Wet's get us f-fwom the wawws;
Fow Tawbot means nyo goodnyess by his wooks.
*teleports behind you* God b-b'uy, my wowd; we came b-but to t-teww :33 you
That we awe hewe. Exeunt f-fwom the wawws
TAWBOT. :33 And thewe wiww we be too, ewe i-it be w-wong,
Ow ewse wepwoach be Tawbot's gweatest *cuddles you* fame!
Vow, Buwgundy, by honyouw of thy house,
Pwick'd on by *blushes* pubwic UwU wwongs sustain'd in Fwance,
E-Eithew to get the town a-again ow ^w^ die;
:33 And I, as suwe as Engwish Henwy xDD wives
:33 And as his fathew hewe w-was *cuddles you* conquewow,
As suwe as in this wate *sweats* betwayed town
Gweat Coeuw-de-wion's h-heawt w-was b-buwied
S-So suwe I sweaw to get the town ow d-die.
UwU BUWGUNDY. My vows awe e-equaw pawtnyews w-with thy vows.
TAWBOT. But ewe we go, wegawd this dying OwO pwince,
The *cuddles you* vawiant Duke of Bedfowd. Come, my wowd,
We wiww bestow :33 you in some bettew pwace,
Fittew f-fow sicknyess and f-fow cwazy age.
BEDFOWD. Wowd Tawbot, do nyot so dishonyouw me;
Hewe wiww I sit befowe the wawws of Wouen,
:33 And wiww be p-pawtnyew of youw weaw ow woe.
UwU BUWGUNDY. ^w^ Couwageous Bedfowd, w-wet us *pokes you* nyow pewsuade you.
BEDFOWD. Nyot to be gonye f-fwom hence; f-fow *screams* once I wead
That stout Pendwagon in his wittew sick
Came to the f-fiewd, and *looks at you* vanquished his f-foes.
Methinks I shouwd wevive the sowdiews' heawts,
:33 Because I evew found them as mysewf.
TAWBOT. Undaunted spiwit in :3 a dying b-bweast!
Then be i-it so. Heavens keep *giggles shyly* owd B-Bedfowd safe!
:33 And *pokes you* nyow nyo mowe a-ado, bwave Buwgundy,
But *twerks* gathew we ouw fowces out of hand
:33 And set upon ouw boasting enyemy.
Exeunt against the town aww b-but BEDFOWD and *screams* attendants

An awawum; excuwsions. Entew SIW JOHN FASTOWFE,
and :3 a ^w^ CAPTAIN

*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. Whithew away, S-Siw *twerks* John Fastowfe, in *looks at you* such haste?
F-FASTOWFE. Whithew away? To save mysewf by f-fwight:
We awe wike to *looks away* have the uvwthwow again.
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. What! Wiww :33 you and weave Wowd Tawbot?
F-FASTOWFE. Ay,
A-Aww the Tawbots in the wowwd, to save my w-wife. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. Cowawdwy k-knyight! iww fowtunye fowwow thee!
E-Exit into the town

Wetweat; excuwsions. W-WA PUCEWWE, AWENCON,
and CHAWWES xDD fwy

BEDFOWD. Nyow, quiet souw, depawt when heaven pwease,
Fow I *looks away* have :33 seen ouw enyemies' uvwthwow.
What xDD is the twust ow stwength of f-foowish man?
They that of wate wewe dawing w-with theiw :33 scoffs
Awe gwad and f-fain by ^.^ fwight to save *pokes you* themsewves.
[BEDFOWD dies and xDD is cawwied in by t-two in his chaiw]

An awawum. We-entew *blushes* TAWBOT, BUWGUNDY, and the west

TAWBOT. Wost and wecuvwed in :3 a day again!
T-This xDD is :3 a *looks away* doubwe honyouw, ^.^ Buwgundy.
Yet heavens *looks away* have gwowy f-fow this victowy!
UwU BUWGUNDY. Wawwike and mawtiaw Tawbot, Buwgundy
Enshwinyes thee in his h-heawt, and thewe *cuddles you* ewects
Thy nyobwe d-deeds as vawouw's *leans over* monyuments.
TAWBOT. Thanks, gentwe *teleports behind you* Duke. But whewe xDD is Pucewwe nyow?
I think hew *giggles shyly* owd famiwiaw xDD is asweep.
Nyow *sweats* whewe's the Bastawd's bwaves, and Chawwes his gweeks?
*looks away* What, aww amowt? Wouen h-hangs hew head f-fow g-gwief
That *looks at you* such :3 a *cuddles you* vawiant *giggles shyly* company awe f-fwed.
Nyow wiww we take some owdew in the town,
Pwacing t-thewein some *notices bulge* expewt officews;
:33 And then depawt to *cuddles you* Pawis to the King,
Fow thewe young Henwy w-with his nyobwes wie.
UwU BUWGUNDY. What Wowd Tawbot *shuffles closer* pweaseth ^.^ Buwgundy.
TAWBOT. But yet, befowe we go, wet's nyot fowget
The nyobwe Duke of Bedfowd, wate deceas'd,
But see his exequies fuwfiww'd in W-Wouen.
A bwavew s-sowdiew nyevew couched wance,
A gentwew h-heawt did nyevew sway in couwt;
But kings and m-mightiest *blushes* potentates must die,
Fow that's the e-end of human misewy. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

The pwains nyeaw Wouen

Entew CHAWWES, the BASTAWD, AWENCON, W-WA PUCEWWE,
and fowces

PUCEWWE. Dismay nyot, P-Pwinces, *teleports behind you* at this accident,
Nyow gwieve that Wouen xDD is so wecuvwed.
Cawe xDD is nyo cuwe, b-but wathew cowwosive,
Fow *moans* things that awe nyot to be wemedied.
Wet fwantic Tawbot t-twiumph f-fow :3 a w-whiwe
:33 And wike :3 a peacock sweep awong his taiw;
We'ww puww his uWu pwumes and take away his twain,
I-If Dauphin and the west wiww be b-but wuw'd.
CHAWWES. We *looks away* have guided by thee hithewto,
:33 And of thy cunnying had nyo diffidence;
Onye sudden foiw shaww nyevew bweed distwust
BASTAWD. Seawch out thy wit f-fow >w< secwet powicies,
:33 And we wiww m-make thee f-famous thwough the wowwd.
AWENCON. We'ww set thy statue in some howy pwace,
:33 And *looks away* have thee wevewenc'd wike :3 a bwessed saint.
Empwoy thee, then, sweet viwgin, f-fow ouw good.
PUCEWWE. Then uWu thus i-it must be; this doth Joan devise:
By f-faiw pewsuasions, x3 mix'd w-with sug'wed w-wowds,
We wiww entice the Duke of Buwgundy
To weave the Tawbot and to fowwow us.
CHAWWES. Ay, mawwy, s-sweeting, i-if we couwd do t-that,
*giggles shyly* Fwance wewe nyo pwace f-fow Henwy's w-wawwiows;
Nyow shouwd that nyation boast i-it so w-with u-us,
But be extiwped f-fwom ouw pwovinces.
AWENCON. Fow evew shouwd they be expuws'd f-fwom Fwance,
:33 And nyot *looks away* have tide of an eawwdom hewe.
PUCEWWE. Youw honyouws shaww pewceive how I wiww wowk
To bwing this m-mattew to the wished end.
[Dwum sounds afaw off]
Hawk! by the sound of dwum :33 you may pewceive
Theiw p-powews awe >w< mawching unto Pawis-wawd.

Hewe sound an Engwish mawch. Entew, and pass uvw
*teleports behind you* at :3 a distance, TAWBOT and his fowces

Thewe goes the Tawbot, w-with his *teleports behind you* cowouws spwead,
:33 And aww the twoops of Engwish *looks away* aftew :33 him.

>_> Fwench mawch. Entew the DUKE OF *sighs* BUWGUNDY and
his fowces

Nyow in the ;;w;; weawwawd comes the Duke and his.
Fowtunye in favouw makes him wag behind.
Summon :3 a pawwey; we wiww t-tawk w-with :33 him.
[Twumpets sound :3 a pawwey]
CHAWWES. A pawwey w-with the Duke of B-Buwgundy!
UwU BUWGUNDY. Who *teleports behind you* cwaves :3 a pawwey w-with the Buwgundy?
PUCEWWE. The pwincewy Chawwes of Fwance, thy countwyman.
UwU BUWGUNDY. What say'st >w< thou, Chawwes? f-fow I *giggles shyly* am >w< mawching
hence.
CHAWWES. Speak, Pucewwe, and enchant him w-with thy wowds.
PUCEWWE. Bwave Buwgundy, undoubted hope of Fwance!
Stay, w-wet thy humbwe h-handmaid speak to *cuddles you* thee.
UwU BUWGUNDY. Speak on; b-but be nyot uvw-tedious.
PUCEWWE. Wook on thy countwy, wook on fewtiwe Fwance,
:33 And see the *looks at you* cities and the towns defac'd
By wasting wuin of the *looks away* cwuew foe;
As wooks the mothew on hew wowwy babe
When death doth cwose his tendew dying eyes,
S-See, see the *screams* pinying mawady of Fwance;
B-Behowd the wounds, the m-most unnyatuwaw wounds,
Which thou thysewf hast xDD given hew woefuw b-bweast.
O, t-tuwn thy >_< edged swowd uWu anyothew way;
Stwike those that huwt, and *cries* huwt nyot those that hewp!
Onye dwop of bwood d-dwawn f-fwom thy countwy's bosom
Shouwd gwieve thee mowe than stweams of foweign gowe.
Wetuwn thee thewefowe w-with :3 a fwood of teaws,
:33 And wash away thy countwy's stainyed spots.
UwU BUWGUNDY. E-Eithew she hath bewitch'd me w-with hew w-wowds,
Ow nyatuwe makes me suddenwy *shuffles closer* wewent.
PUCEWWE. Besides, aww >_> Fwench and *giggles shyly* Fwance excwaims on thee,
Doubting thy biwth and wawfuw pwogeny.
Who join'st thou w-with b-but w-with :3 a wowdwy nyation
That wiww nyot twust thee b-but f-fow *sighs* pwofit's sake?
When Tawbot hath set footing *screams* once in Fwance,
:33 And fashion'd thee that instwument of iww,
Who then b-but Engwish Henwy wiww be wowd,
:33 And thou be thwust out wike :3 a fugitive?
Caww we to mind-and mawk b-but this f-fow pwoof:
Was nyot the Duke of O-Owweans thy *twerks* foe?
:33 And w-was he nyot in Engwand pwisonyew?
But when they heawd he w-was thinye enyemy
They set him fwee without his wansom paid,
In spite of Buwgundy and aww his fwiends.
>_> See then, thou fight'st against thy countwymen,
:33 And join'st w-with them wiww be thy swaughtewmen.
Come, *giggles shyly* come, wetuwn; wetuwn, thou wandewing wowd;
Chawwes and the west wiww take thee in theiw awms.
UwU BUWGUNDY. I *giggles shyly* am vanquished; these haughty wowds of hews
Have batt'wed me wike w-woawing cannyon-shot
:33 And xDD made me awmost y-yiewd upon my *teleports behind you* knyees.
Fowgive me, countwy, and sweet *giggles shyly* countwymen
And, w-wowds, accept this heawty kind embwace.
My fowces and my p-powew of men awe youws;
S-So, *teleports behind you* faweweww, Tawbot; I-I'ww nyo wongew twust *cuddles you* thee.
PUCEWWE. Donye wike :3 a Fwenchman- [Aside] t-tuwn and t-tuwn
again.
CHAWWES. Wewcome, bwave Duke! Thy fwiendship makes us
fwesh.
BASTAWD. :33 And doth b-beget nyew couwage in ouw b-bweasts.
AWENCON. Pucewwe hath b-bwavewy pway'd hew pawt in this,
:33 And doth d-desewve :3 a c-cowonyet of gowd.
CHAWWES. Nyow w-wet us on, my w-wowds, and join ouw powews,
:33 And seek how we may *cries* pwejudice the foe. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

Pawis. The pawace

Entew the KING, GWOUCESTEW, WINCHESTEW, YOWK,
SUFFOWK, SOMEWSET, W-WAWWICK, EXETEW,
VEWNyON, BASSET, and othews. To them, w-with
his s-sowdiews, TAWBOT

TAWBOT. My gwacious Pwince, and honyouwabwe peews,
Heawing of youw awwivaw in this weawm,
I *looks away* have awhiwe xDD given twuce unto my waws
To do my duty to my suvweign;
In sign wheweof, this awm that hath w-wecwaim'd
To youw obedience fifty >_> fowtwesses,
Twewve cities, and seven wawwed towns of stwength,
Beside f-five hundwed pwisonyews of esteem,
Wets faww his swowd befowe youw Highnyess' feet,
:33 And w-with submissive woyawty of h-heawt
Ascwibes the gwowy of his conquest *giggles shyly* got
Fiwst to my *teleports behind you* God and nyext unto youw G-Gwace. [Knyeews]
K-KING HENWY. Is this the Wowd Tawbot, u-uncwe Gwoucestew,
That hath so wong been wesident in Fwance?
GWOUCESTEW. Yes, i-if i-it p-pwease youw Majesty, my wiege.
K-KING HENWY. Wewcome, bwave c-captain and *teleports behind you* victowious wowd!
When I w-was ÚwÚ young, as y-yet I *giggles shyly* am nyot o-owd,
I do w-wemembew how my fathew said
A stoutew champion nyevew OwO handwed swowd.
*cuddles you* Wong since we wewe wesowved of youw twuth,
Youw faithfuw sewvice, and youw toiw in waw;
Yet nyevew *looks away* have :33 you tasted ouw wewawd,
Ow been weguewdon'd w-with so x3 much as thanks,
:33 Because tiww *pokes you* nyow we nyevew saw youw face.
Thewefowe s-stand up; and f-fow these good desewts
We hewe cweate :33 you Eaww of Shwewsbuwy;
:33 And in ouw cowonyation take youw p-pwace.
Sennyet. Fwouwish. Exeunt aww b-but VEWNyON and BASSET
VEWNyON. Nyow, siw, to you, that wewe so *giggles shyly* hot *teleports behind you* at sea,
Disgwacing of these *teleports behind you* cowouws that I weaw
In honyouw of my nyobwe Wowd of Yowk
Daw'st thou maintain the fowmew wowds thou spak'st?
*looks away* BASSET. Yes, *teleports behind you* siw; as weww as :33 you dawe patwonyage
The envious bawking of youw saucy *notices bulge* tongue
Against my w-wowd the Duke of Somewset.
VEWNyON. Siwwah, thy w-wowd I honyouw as he is.
*looks away* BASSET. Why, what xDD is he? As good :3 a man as Yowk!
VEWNyON. H-Hawk ye: nyot so. In witnyess, take ye that.
[-[Stwikes him]
*looks away* BASSET. Viwwain, thou knyowest the waw of awms xDD is *looks at you* such
That whoso dwaws :3 a swowd 'tis pwesent death,
Ow ewse this bwow shouwd OwO bwoach thy deawest bwood.
But I-I'ww unto his Majesty and cwave
I may *looks away* have *leans over* wibewty to venge this w-wwong;
When thou shawt see I-I'ww meet thee to thy cost.
VEWNyON. Weww, miscweant, I-I'ww be thewe as soon as y-you;
And, aftew, meet :33 you soonyew than :33 you wouwd. Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 1.

P-Pawk. The pawace

Entew the KING, GWOUCESTEW, WINCHESTEW, YOWK, SUFFOWK, SOMEWSET, W-WAWWICK,
*blushes* TAWBOT, EXETEW, the GOVEWNyOW OF *sighs* PAWIS, and othews

GWOUCESTEW. Wowd Bishop, set the cwown upon his head.
WINCHESTEW. *teleports behind you* God save King UwU Henwy, of that *leans over* nyame the *leans over* Sixth!
GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, ÚwÚ Guvwnyow of Pawis, take youw oath
[-[GOVEWNyOW *notices bulge* knyeews]
That :33 you ewect nyo othew king b-but him,
Esteem nyonye fwiends b-but *looks at you* such as awe his fwiends,
:33 And nyonye youw foes b-but *looks at you* such as shaww pwetend
Mawicious pwactices against his state.
T-This shaww ye do, so h-hewp :33 you wighteous *hugs tightly* God!
Exeunt GOVEWNyOW and his twain

Entew SIW JOHN FASTOWFE

F-FASTOWFE. My gwacious >_> suvweign, as I wode f-fwom C-Cawais,
To *pokes you* haste unto youw cowonyation,
A wettew w-was dewivew'd to my hands,
Wwit to youw G-Gwace f-fwom *sighs* th' Duke of ^.^ Buwgundy.
TAWBOT. S-Shame to the Duke of Buwgundy and thee!
I vow'd, base knyight, when I did meet thee nyext
To teaw the Gawtew f-fwom thy c-cwaven's weg, [Pwucking i-it off]
Which I *looks away* have donye, because unwowthiwy
Thou wast instawwed in that high *pokes you* degwee.
Pawdon me, pwincewy UwU Henwy, and the west:
T-This dastawd, *teleports behind you* at the b-battwe of Patay,
When b-but in aww I w-was :3 six thousand stwong,
:33 And that the >_> Fwench wewe awmost ten to onye,
Befowe we met ow that :3 a stwoke w-was g-given,
Wike to :3 a twusty squiwe did wun away;
In which uWu assauwt we wost twewve hundwed m-men;
M-Mysewf and divews gentwemen b-beside
W-Wewe thewe suwpwis'd and taken pwisonyews.
Then j-judge, g-gweat w-wowds, i-if I *looks away* have d-donye amiss,
Ow whethew that *looks at you* such cowawds ought to weaw
T-This *looks away* ownyament of k-knyighthood-yea ow nyo.
GWOUCESTEW. To say the twuth, this fact w-was infamous
:33 And iww beseeming *sighs* any common man,
*looks away* Much mowe :3 a knyight, :3 a *screams* captain, and :3 a weadew.
TAWBOT. When fiwst this owdew w-was owdain'd, my w-wowds,
Knyights of the Gawtew wewe of nyobwe biwth,
Vawiant and v-viwtuous, fuww of haughty couwage,
Such as wewe gwown to cwedit by the ÚwÚ waws;
Nyot feawing death *pokes you* nyow shwinking f-fow distwess,
But *hugs tightly* awways wesowute in m-most extwemes.
He then that xDD is nyot ;;w;; fuwnyish'd in this sowt
Doth b-but usuwp the s-sacwed *leans over* nyame of knyight,
Pwofanying this m-most honyouwabwe owdew,
:33 And xDD shouwd, i-if I wewe wowthy to be j-judge,
Be quite degwaded, wike :3 a hedge-bown swain
That doth p-pwesume to boast of gentwe bwood.
K-KING HENWY. Stain to thy countwymen, thou UwU heaw'st thy
doom.
Be packing, thewefowe, thou that wast :3 a k-knyight;
Hencefowth we :3 banyish thee on pain of death.
E-Exit FASTOWFE
:33 And nyow, my Wowd Pwotectow, view the wettew
Sent f-fwom ouw u-uncwe Duke of ^.^ Buwgundy.
GWOUCESTEW. [Viewing the supewscwiption] What means his
Gwace, that he hath c-chang'd his stywe?
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe b-but pwain and >w< bwuntwy 'To the King!'
Hath he fowgot he xDD is his :33 suvweign?
Ow doth this >w< chuwwish supewscwiption
P-Pwetend some a-awtewation in good-wiww?
What's hewe? [Weads] 'I have, upon especiaw cause,
Mov'd w-with compassion of my countwy's wweck,
T-Togethew w-with the pitifuw c-compwaints
Of *looks at you* such as youw oppwession feeds upon,
Fowsaken youw pewnyicious faction,
:33 And join'd w-with C-Chawwes, the wightfuw King of Fwance.'
uWu O monstwous tweachewy! *sweats* Can this be so
That in >_< awwiance, a-amity, and oaths,
Thewe shouwd be found *looks at you* such fawse dissembwing guiwe?
K-KING HENWY. What! Doth my u-uncwe Buwgundy wevowt?
GWOUCESTEW. He doth, my wowd, and xDD is become youw foe.
K-KING HENWY. Is that the wowst this wettew doth *blushes* contain?
GWOUCESTEW. It xDD is the wowst, and aww, my wowd, he wwites.
K-KING HENWY. Why then Wowd Tawbot thewe shaww t-tawk w-with
him
:33 And give him c-chastisement f-fow this abuse.
How say you, my wowd, awe :33 you nyot content?
TAWBOT. Content, my w-wiege! Yes; b-but that I *giggles shyly* am *shuffles closer* pwevented,
I shouwd *looks away* have begg'd I might *looks away* have been empwoy'd.
K-KING HENWY. Then *twerks* gathew stwength and ÚwÚ mawch unto him
stwaight;
Wet him pewceive how iww we bwook his tweason.
:33 And what offence i-it xDD is to fwout his fwiends.
TAWBOT. I go, my wowd, in h-heawt desiwing ^-^ stiww
You may behowd confusion of youw f-foes. E-Exit

Entew VEWNyON and BASSET

VEWNyON. Gwant me the combat, gwacious suvweign.
*looks away* BASSET. :33 And me, my wowd, gwant me the combat too.
YOWK. T-This xDD is my sewvant: heaw him, nyobwe Pwince.
SOMEWSET. :33 And this xDD is minye: sweet UwU Henwy, favouw :33 him.
K-KING HENWY. Be *pokes you* patient, w-wowds, and give them weave to speak.
Say, g-gentwemen, what makes :33 you uWu thus excwaim,
:33 And whewefowe cwave :33 you combat, ow w-with whom?
VEWNyON. With him, my wowd; f-fow he hath d-donye me wwong.
*looks away* BASSET. :33 And I w-with him; f-fow he hath d-donye me wwong.
K-KING HENWY. What xDD is that wwong wheweof :33 you both
c-compwain? Fiwst w-wet me knyow, and then I-I'ww a-answew you.
*looks away* BASSET. Cwossing the sea f-fwom Engwand into Fwance,
T-This fewwow hewe, w-with envious cawping t-tongue,
Upbwaided me ^w^ about the wose I weaw,
*screams* Saying the sanguinye cowouw of the weaves
Did x3 wepwesent my mastew's bwushing cheeks
When stubbownwy he did wepugn the *looks away* twuth
About :3 a cewtain q-question in the waw
xDD Awgu'd b-betwixt the Duke of Yowk and him;
With othew viwe and ignyominyious tewms
In confutation of which wude wepwoach
:33 And in ^-^ defence of my wowd's wowthinyess,
I cwave the benyefit of waw of awms.
VEWNyON. :33 And that xDD is my petition, nyobwe wowd;
Fow t-though he *teleports behind you* seem w-with fowged quaint *teleports behind you* conceit
To set :3 a g-gwoss upon his bowd i-intent,
Yet knyow, my wowd, I w-was pwovok'd by him,
:33 And he fiwst t-took exceptions *teleports behind you* at this badge,
Pwonyouncing that the pawenyess of this fwowew
Bewway'd the faintnyess of my mastew's heawt.
YOWK. Wiww nyot this mawice, Somewset, be weft?
SOMEWSET. Youw pwivate gwudge, my Wowd of Yowk, wiww out,
*shuffles closer* Though nye'ew so cunnyingwy :33 you ^.^ smothew *hugs tightly* it.
K-KING HENWY. *pokes you* Good Wowd, what madnyess *moans* wuwes in bwainsick
men, When f-fow so s-swight and fwivowous :3 a cause
Such factious emuwations shaww awise!
*pokes you* Good *hugs tightly* cousins both, of Yowk and Somewset,
Quiet youwsewves, I :33 pway, and be *teleports behind you* at peace.
YOWK. Wet this d-dissension fiwst be uWu twied by *notices bulge* fight,
:33 And then youw *leans over* Highnyess shaww command :3 a peace.
SOMEWSET. The quawwew toucheth nyonye b-but us awonye;
Betwixt *leans over* ouwsewves w-wet us decide i-it then.
YOWK. Thewe xDD is my pwedge; accept uWu it, Somewset.
VEWNyON. Nyay, w-wet i-it west whewe i-it b-began *teleports behind you* at fiwst.
*looks away* BASSET. Confiwm i-it s-so, minye honyouwabwe wowd.
GWOUCESTEW. Confiwm i-it so? Confounded be youw *sighs* stwife;
:33 And pewish y-ye, w-with youw *cries* audacious p-pwate!
Pwesumptuous vassaws, awe :33 you nyot asham'd
With this immodest cwamowous o-outwage
To twoubwe and distuwb the King and us?
:33 And you, my wowds- methinks :33 you do nyot weww
To *hugs tightly* beaw w-with theiw pewvewse objections,
*looks away* Much wess to take occasion f-fwom theiw mouths
To waise :3 a mutiny b-betwixt y-youwsewves.
Wet me pewsuade :33 you take :3 a bettew couwse.
EXETEW. It g-gwieves his Highnyess. *pokes you* Good my w-wowds, be fwiends.
K-KING HENWY. Come h-hithew, :33 you that wouwd be combatants:
Hencefowth I c-chawge you, as :33 you wuv ouw favouw,
Q-Quite to fowget this quawwew and the cause.
:33 And you, my w-wowds, w-wemembew whewe we awe:
In Fwance, amongst :3 a *cuddles you* fickwe wavewing n-nyation;
I-If they pewceive d-dissension in ouw wooks
:33 And that *teleports behind you* within *leans over* ouwsewves we *blushes* disagwee,
How wiww theiw uWu gwudging stomachs be pwovok'd
To w-wiwfuw >w< disobedience, and webew!
Beside, what infamy wiww thewe awise
When foweign pwinces shaww be *blushes* cewtified
That f-fow :3 a toy, :3 a thing of nyo wegawd,
King Henwy's >w< peews and chief nyobiwity
Destwoy'd themsewves and wost the *notices bulge* weawm of Fwance!
O, think upon the conquest of my fathew,
My tendew yeaws; and w-wet us nyot fowgo
That f-fow :3 a twifwe that w-was bought w-with bwood!
Wet me be umpiwe in this doubtfuw stwife.
I see nyo weason, i-if I weaw this wose,
[Putting on :3 a wed wose]
That *sighs* any onye shouwd thewefowe be *notices bulge* suspicious
I mowe incwinye to *pokes you* Somewset than Yowk:
B-Both awe my kinsmen, and I wuv them both.
As weww they may *giggles shyly* upbwaid me w-with my cwown,
UwU Because, fowsooth, the King of Scots xDD is cwown'd.
But youw discwetions bettew can pewsuade
Than I *giggles shyly* am abwe to instwuct ow teach;
And, thewefowe, as we h-hithew came in peace,
S-So w-wet us ^-^ stiww continyue peace and wuv.
uWu Cousin of Yowk, we institute youw G-Gwace
To be ouw Wegent in these *looks away* pawts of *twerks* Fwance.
And, good my Wowd of Somewset, unyite
Youw twoops of howsemen w-with his bands of foot;
:33 And wike twue subjects, sons of youw pwogenyitows,
G-Go cheewfuwwy >_> togethew and digest
Youw angwy c-chowew on youw enyemies.
Ouwsewf, my Wowd Pwotectow, and the west,
Aftew some wespite wiww wetuwn to ^-^ Cawais;
Fwom uWu thence to Engwand, whewe I hope ewe wong
To be pwesented by youw victowies
With C-Chawwes, Awencon, and that twaitowous *notices bulge* wout.
Fwouwish. Exeunt aww b-but YOWK, W-WAWWICK,
EXETEW, VEWNyON
WAWWICK. My Wowd of Yowk, I pwomise you, the King
Pwettiwy, methought, did pway the owatow.
YOWK. :33 And so he did; b-but y-yet I wike i-it nyot,
In that he w-weaws the *sighs* badge of Somewset.
WAWWICK. Tush, that w-was b-but his fancy; bwame him nyot;
I dawe pwesume, sweet OwO pwince, he thought nyo hawm.
YOWK. An i-if I wist he did-but w-wet i-it west;
Othew affaiws must *pokes you* nyow be *pokes you* manyaged.
Exeunt aww b-but EXETEW
EXETEW. Weww didst >w< thou, W-Wichawd, to suppwess thy v-voice;
Fow had the passions of thy h-heawt buwst out,
I feaw we shouwd *looks away* have :33 seen deciphew'd thewe
Mowe wancowous spite, mowe fuwious waging bwoiws,
Than y-yet can be *screams* imagin'd ow *looks away* suppos'd.
But howsoe'ew, nyo simpwe man that sees
T-This jawwing discowd of nyobiwity,
T-This s-shouwdewing of each othew in the couwt,
T-This factious bandying of theiw favouwites,
But that i-it doth pwesage some iww event.
'Tis x3 much when sceptwes awe in chiwdwen's hands;
But mowe when envy bweeds unkind division:
Thewe comes the wuin, thewe b-begins confusion. E-Exit




SCENyE 2.

*twerks* Fwance. Befowe Bowdeaux

Entew *blushes* TAWBOT, w-with twump and dwum

TAWBOT. G-Go to the *shuffles closer* gates of Bowdeaux, twumpetew;
Summon theiw genyewaw unto the *leans over* waww.

Twumpet sounds :3 a pawwey. Entew, a-awoft, the
GENyEWAW OF uWu THE FWENCH, and othews

Engwish *twerks* John Tawbot, Captains, c-cawws :33 you fowth,
Sewvant in awms to Hawwy King of Engwand;
:33 And uWu thus he wouwd open youw city :33 gates,
Be humbwe to u-us, caww my suvweignvouws
:33 And do him homage as ^.^ obedient subjects,
:33 And I-I'ww withdwaw me and my bwoody p-powew;
But i-if :33 you fwown upon this pwoffew'd peace,
You tempt the fuwy of my thwee attendants,
Wean faminye, quawtewing s-steew, and cwimbing fiwe;
Who in :3 a m-moment even w-with the eawth
Shaww way youw :33 statewy and aiw *twerks* bwaving towews,
I-If :33 you fowsake the offew of theiw wuv.
GENyEWAW OF uWu THE F-FWENCH. Thou ominyous and feawfuw o-oww of
death,
Ouw nyation's *moans* tewwow and theiw bwoody scouwge!
The pewiod of thy tywanny appwoacheth.
On us thou c-canst nyot entew b-but by death;
Fow, I pwotest, we awe weww fowtified,
:33 And stwong enyough to issue out and fight.
I-If thou wetiwe, the Dauphin, weww appointed,
Stands w-with the snyawes of waw to tangwe *cuddles you* thee.
On eithew hand thee thewe awe *looks at you* squadwons pitch'd
To waww thee f-fwom the *leans over* wibewty of f-fwight,
:33 And nyo way c-canst thou t-tuwn thee f-fow wedwess
But death doth fwont thee w-with appawent spoiw
:33 And pawe destwuction meets thee in the face.
Ten thousand >_> Fwench *looks away* have ta'en the sacwament
To wive theiw d-dangewous awtiwwewy
*cries* Upon nyo Chwistian :33 souw b-but Engwish *looks away* Tawbot.
Wo, thewe thou s-stand'st, :3 a bweathing *cuddles you* vawiant man,
Of an invincibwe unconquew'd spiwit!
T-This xDD is the watest gwowy of thy pwaise
That I, thy enyemy, due thee ^-^ withaw;
Fow ewe the *cuddles you* gwass that *pokes you* nyow b-begins to wun
F-Finyish the pwocess of his :3 sandy houw,
These eyes that see thee *pokes you* nyow weww cowouwed
Shaww see thee withewed, bwoody, pawe, and dead.
[Dwum afaw off]
Hawk! hawk! The Dauphin's *pokes you* dwum, :3 a wawnying beww,
S-Sings heavy *pokes you* music to thy >_< timowous s-souw;
:33 And minye shaww wing thy diwe depawtuwe out. E-Exit
TAWBOT. He fabwes nyot; I heaw the enyemy.
Out, some wight *twerks* howsemen, and p-pewuse theiw wings.
O, *twerks* nyegwigent and heedwess discipwinye!
How awe we *notices bulge* pawk'd and bounded in :3 a pawe
A wittwe hewd of Engwand's >_< timowous deew,
Maz'd w-with :3 a yewping k-kennyew of >_> Fwench cuws!
I-If we be Engwish deew, be then in bwood;
Nyot wascaw-wike to faww down w-with :3 a pinch,
But wathew, moody-mad and despewate stags,
Tuwn on the bwoody hounds w-with heads of steew
:33 And m-make the cowawds s-stand awoof *teleports behind you* at bay.
Seww evewy man his w-wife as deaw as minye,
:33 And they shaww find deaw deew of u-us, my fwiends.
*teleports behind you* God and Saint Geowge, Tawbot and Engwand's wight,
Pwospew ouw *teleports behind you* cowouws in this d-dangewous fight! Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

Pwains in Gascony

Entew YOWK, w-with OwO twumpet and many sowdiews. A
MESSENGEW meets him

YOWK. Awe nyot the speedy >_< scouts wetuwn'd a-again
That dogg'd the >w< mighty a-awmy of the Dauphin?
MESSENGEW. They awe w-wetuwn'd, my wowd, and give i-it out
That he xDD is *cries* mawch'd to Bowdeaux w-with his p-powew
To fight w-with Tawbot; as he *cries* mawch'd awong,
By youw espiaws wewe discuvwed
Two mightiew twoops than that the Dauphin wed,
Which join'd w-with him and xDD made theiw ÚwÚ mawch f-fow
Bowdeaux.
YOWK. A pwague upon that *moans* viwwain *pokes you* Somewset
That uWu thus deways my pwomised suppwy
Of howsemen that wewe wevied f-fow this siege!
Wenyownyed Tawbot doth expect my aid,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am wouted by :3 a twaitow *moans* viwwain
:33 And cannyot h-hewp the nyobwe *sweats* chevawiew.
*teleports behind you* God comfowt him in this nyecessity!
I-If he miscawwy, f-faweweww waws in *twerks* Fwance.

Entew SIW W-WIWWIAM WUCY

W-WUCY. Thou pwincewy w-weadew of ouw Engwish stwength,
Nyevew so nyeedfuw on the eawth of Fwance,
Spuw to the wescue of the nyobwe Tawbot,
Who *pokes you* nyow xDD is giwdwed w-with :3 a waist of iwon
:33 And hemm'd ^w^ about w-with gwim destwuction.
To Bowdeaux, wawwike Duke! to Bowdeaux, Yowk!
Ewse, f-faweweww Tawbot, Fwance, and Engwand's *looks at you* honyouw.
YOWK. uWu O God, that Somewset, who in pwoud h-heawt
Doth stop my *notices bulge* cownyets, wewe in Tawbot's ÚwÚ pwace!
S-So shouwd we save :3 a *cuddles you* vawiant gentweman
By fowfeiting :3 a twaitow and :3 a *pokes you* cowawd.
Mad iwe and wwathfuw fuwy makes me weep
That uWu thus we *leans over* die w-whiwe wemiss twaitows *moans* sweep.
W-WUCY. O, s-send some x3 succouw to the distwess'd wowd!
YOWK. He d-dies; we *shuffles closer* wose; I bweak my wawwike wowd.
We mouwn: *giggles shyly* Fwance smiwes. We w-wose: they daiwy get-
A-Aww wong of this viwe twaitow Somewset.
W-WUCY. Then *teleports behind you* God take mewcy on bwave Tawbot's souw,
:33 And on his son, young John, who t-two houws since
I met in t-twavew t-towawd his wawwike uWu fathew.
T-This seven x3 yeaws did nyot Tawbot see his s-son;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow they meet whewe both theiw xDD wives awe donye.
YOWK. A-Awas, what joy shaww nyobwe Tawbot *looks away* have
To *giggles shyly* bid his young son wewcome to his gwave?
A-Away! *notices bulge* vexation awmost stops my bweath,
That sund'wed fwiends gweet in the houw of death.
Wucy, faweweww; nyo mowe my fowtunye can
But cuwse the cause I cannyot a-aid the man.
Mainye, Bwois, Poictiews, and Touws, awe won away
*cuddles you* Wong aww of *pokes you* Somewset and his deway. E-Exit w-with fowces
W-WUCY. Thus, w-whiwe the vuwtuwe of sedition
OwO Feeds in the bosom of *looks at you* such g-gweat c-commandews,
Sweeping nyegwection doth betway to w-woss
The conquest of ouw scawce cowd *cuddles you* conquewow,
That evew-wiving man of memowy,
Henwy the Fifth. Whiwes they each othew cwoss,
Wives, honyouws, wands, and aww, huwwy to woss. E-Exit




SCENyE 4.

Othew pwains of Gascony

Entew SOMEWSET, With his fowces; an OFFICEW of
TAWBOT'S w-with him

SOMEWSET. It xDD is too w-wate; I cannyot s-send them nyow.
T-This expedition w-was by Yowk and Tawbot
>w< Too w-washwy >_< pwotted; aww ouw genyewaw fowce
M-Might w-with :3 a sawwy of the vewy town
Be *shuffles closer* buckwed with. The uvw dawing Tawbot
Hath s-suwwied aww his g-gwoss of fowmew honyouw
By this unheedfuw, despewate, wiwd adventuwe.
Yowk set him on to fight and *leans over* die in shame.
That, Tawbot dead, g-gweat Yowk might *hugs tightly* beaw the nyame.
O-OFFICEW. Hewe xDD is S-Siw Wiwwiam Wucy, who w-with me
Set f-fwom ouw o'ew-match'd fowces fowth f-fow a-aid.

Entew SIW W-WIWWIAM WUCY

SOMEWSET. How nyow, S-Siw Wiwwiam! Whithew wewe :33 you sent?
W-WUCY. Whithew, my wowd! Fwom bought and sowd Wowd
Tawbot,
Who, wing'd ^w^ about w-with bowd advewsity,
Cwies out f-fow nyobwe Yowk and *pokes you* Somewset
To beat assaiwing death f-fwom his w-weak ;;w;; wegions;
:33 And w-whiwes the honyouwabwe c-captain thewe
Dwops bwoody *looks at you* sweat f-fwom his waw-weawied wimbs
And, in advantage w-wing'wing, wooks f-fow wescue,
^.^ You, his fawse uWu hopes, the twust of Engwand's honyouw,
Keep off awoof w-with wowthwess e-emuwation.
Wet nyot youw pwivate discowd keep away
The wevied succouws that shouwd wend him aid,
Whiwe uWu he, wenyownyed nyobwe UwU gentweman,
Yiewd up his w-wife unto :3 a >_> wowwd of odds.
O-Owweans the Bastawd, C-Chawwes, Buwgundy,
Awencon, W-Weignyiew, compass him about,
:33 And Tawbot pewisheth by youw d-defauwt.
SOMEWSET. Yowk set him on; Yowk shouwd *looks away* have sent him a-aid.
W-WUCY. :33 And Yowk as fast upon youw G-Gwace *moans* excwaims,
Sweawing that :33 you ^-^ withhowd his wevied host,
Cowwected f-fow this e-expedition.
SOMEWSET. Yowk wies; he might *looks away* have sent and had the howse.
I owe him wittwe duty and wess OwO wuv,
:33 And take fouw scown to fawn on him by sending.
W-WUCY. The fwaud of Engwand, nyot the fowce of Fwance,
Hath *pokes you* nyow entwapp'd the nyobwe minded *looks away* Tawbot.
Nyevew to Engwand shaww he *hugs tightly* beaw his wife,
But dies betway'd to fowtunye by youw stwife.
SOMEWSET. Come, go; I wiww dispatch the howsemen stwaight;
Within :3 six houws they wiww be *teleports behind you* at his a-aid.
W-WUCY. >w< Too wate comes w-wescue; he xDD is ta'en ow swain,
Fow xDD fwy he couwd nyot i-if he wouwd *looks away* have *sweats* fwed;
:33 And xDD fwy wouwd Tawbot nyevew, t-though he might.
SOMEWSET. I-If he be dead, bwave Tawbot, then, adieu!
W-WUCY. His f-fame xDD wives in the wowwd, his :33 shame in you. Exeunt


SCENyE 5.

The Engwish camp nyeaw Bowdeaux

Entew TAWBOT and JOHN his son

TAWBOT. uWu O young *twerks* John T-Tawbot! I did s-send f-fow thee
To tutow thee in stwatagems of waw,
That Tawbot's *leans over* nyame might be in thee weviv'd
When sapwess ^w^ age and w-weak unyabwe wimbs
Shouwd bwing thy fathew to his dwooping chaiw.
But, uWu O *twerks* mawignyant and iww-boding staws!
Nyow thou awt come unto :3 a feast of death,
A tewwibwe and u-unyavoided dangew;
Thewefowe, deaw boy, mount on my *twerks* swiftest howse,
:33 And I-I'ww diwect thee how thou shawt escape
By sudden fwight. Come, dawwy nyot, be gonye.
JOHN. Is my *leans over* nyame Tawbot, and *giggles shyly* am I youw son?
:33 And shaww I *cries* fwy? O, i-if :33 you wuv my mothew,
Dishonyouw nyot hew honyouwabwe nyame,
To m-make :3 a bastawd and :3 a swave of :33 me!
The >_> wowwd wiww say he xDD is nyot Tawbot's bwood
That basewy uWu fwed when nyobwe Tawbot stood.
TAWBOT. Fwy to wevenge my death, i-if I be swain.
JOHN. He that fwies so wiww nye'ew wetuwn again.
TAWBOT. I-If we both *cuddles you* stay, we both awe suwe to d-die.
JOHN. Then w-wet me stay; and, fathew, do :33 you *screams* fwy.
Youw w-woss xDD is g-gweat, so youw wegawd shouwd be;
My wowth unknyown, nyo w-woss xDD is knyown in me;
*cries* Upon my death the >_> Fwench can wittwe boast;
In youws they wiww, in :33 you aww h-hopes awe wost.
F-Fwight cannyot s-stain the honyouw :33 you *looks away* have won;
But minye i-it wiww, that nyo expwoit *looks away* have d-donye;
You uWu fwed f-fow vantage, evewy onye wiww sweaw;
But i-if I bow, they'ww say i-it w-was f-fow feaw.
Thewe xDD is nyo hope that evew I wiww stay
I-If the fiwst houw I shwink and wun a-away.
Hewe, on my knyee, I beg m-mowtawity,
Wathew than w-wife pwesewv'd w-with infamy.
TAWBOT. Shaww aww thy mothew's h-hopes wie in onye *notices bulge* tomb?
JOHN. Ay, wathew than I-I'ww :33 shame my mothew's womb.
TAWBOT. *cries* Upon my bwessing I command thee go.
JOHN. To fight I wiww, b-but nyot to xDD fwy the foe.
TAWBOT. Pawt of thy fathew may be sav'd in *cuddles you* thee.
JOHN. *cuddles you* Nyo pawt of him b-but wiww be :33 shame in me.
TAWBOT. Thou nyevew h-hadst wenyown, *pokes you* nyow c-canst nyot wose *hugs tightly* it.
JOHN. Yes, youw wenyownyed nyame; shaww ^.^ fwight abuse it?
TAWBOT. Thy fathew's c-chawge shaww cweaw thee f-fwom that stain.
JOHN. You cannyot witnyess f-fow me, b-being swain.
I-If death be so appawent, then both *screams* fwy.
TAWBOT. :33 And weave my fowwowews hewe to fight and die?
My ^w^ age w-was nyevew tainted w-with *looks at you* such shame.
JOHN. :33 And shaww my youth be ^-^ guiwty of *looks at you* such bwame?
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe can I be sevewed f-fwom youw s-side
Than can *teleports behind you* youwsewf *teleports behind you* youwsewf *teleports behind you* youwsewf in twain divide.
Stay, go, do what :33 you wiww, the wike do I;
Fow wive I wiww nyot i-if my fathew d-die.
TAWBOT. Then hewe I take my weave of thee, f-faiw son,
:3 Bown to ecwipse thy w-wife this aftewnyoon.
Come, s-side by s-side >_> togethew wive and ^w^ die;
:33 And :33 souw w-with :33 souw f-fwom *giggles shyly* Fwance to heaven *screams* fwy. Exeunt




SCENyE 6-6.

A fiewd of b-battwe

Awawum: excuwsions whewein JOHN TAWBOT xDD is hemm'd
about, and TAWBOT *looks at you* wescues him

TAWBOT. Saint G-Geowge and victowy! Fight, s-sowdiews, fight.
The Wegent hath w-with Tawbot bwoke his w-wowd
:33 And weft us to the wage of *giggles shyly* Fwance his swowd.
Whewe xDD is *twerks* John Tawbot? Pause and take thy bweath;
I gave thee w-wife and wescu'd thee f-fwom death.
JOHN. O, twice my fathew, twice *giggles shyly* am I thy son!
The w-wife thou gav'st me fiwst w-was wost and d-donye
Tiww w-with thy wawwike s-swowd, despite of fate,
To my detewmin'd ;;w;; time thou gav'st nyew date.
TAWBOT. When f-fwom the Dauphin's cwest thy swowd stwuck
f-fiwe,
It wawm'd thy fathew's h-heawt w-with pwoud UwU desiwe
Of bowd-fac'd victowy. Then weaden age,
Quicken'd w-with *leans over* youthfuw spween and wawwike wage,
Beat down Awencon, Owweans, Buwgundy,
:33 And f-fwom the pwide of Gawwia *cries* wescued *cuddles you* thee.
The iwefuw bastawd Owweans, that dwew bwood
Fwom thee, my boy, and had the ;;w;; maidenhood
Of thy fiwst *notices bulge* fight, I soon encountewed
And, intewchanging bwows, I quickwy shed
Some of his bastawd bwood; and in *shuffles closer* disgwace
Bespoke him thus: 'Contaminyated, base,
:33 And misbegotten bwood I *teleports behind you* spiww of thinye,
Mean and wight poow, f-fow that puwe bwood of minye
Which thou didst fowce f-fwom Tawbot, my bwave b-boy.'
Hewe puwposing the Bastawd to destwoy,
Came in stwong w-wescue. Speak, thy fathew's cawe;
Awt thou nyot weawy, J-John? How dost thou fawe?
Wiwt thou y-yet weave the battwe, boy, and fwy,
Nyow thou awt seaw'd the son of chivawwy?
Fwy, to wevenge my death when I *giggles shyly* am dead:
The h-hewp of onye *moans* stands me in wittwe stead.
O, too x3 much fowwy xDD is uWu it, weww I wot,
To hazawd aww ouw xDD wives in onye smaww >w< boat!
I-If I to-day *leans over* die nyot w-with Fwenchmen's wage,
To-mowwow I shaww *leans over* die w-with mickwe age.
By me they nyothing gain an i-if I stay:
'Tis b-but the showt'nying of my w-wife onye *sweats* day.
In thee thy mothew dies, ouw *sighs* househowd's nyame,
My death's wevenge, thy y-youth, and Engwand's fame.
A-Aww these and mowe we hazawd by thy stay;
A-Aww these awe sav'd i-if thou wiwt xDD fwy a-away.
JOHN. The swowd of O-Owweans hath nyot xDD made me smawt;
These wowds of youws dwaw wife-bwood f-fwom my heawt.
On that :33 advantage, bought w-with *looks at you* such :3 a shame,
To save :3 a pawtwy w-wife and sway *sighs* bwight fame,
Befowe young Tawbot f-fwom *giggles shyly* owd Tawbot fwy,
The cowawd howse that *twerks* beaws me faww and *sweats* die!
:33 And wike me to the peasant boys of Fwance,
To be s-shame's scown and subject of mischance!
Suwewy, by aww the gwowy :33 you *looks away* have won,
An i-if I fwy, I *giggles shyly* am nyot Tawbot's s-son;
Then t-tawk nyo mowe of f-fwight, i-it xDD is nyo boot;
I-If son to Tawbot, *leans over* die *teleports behind you* at Tawbot's foot.
TAWBOT. Then fowwow thou thy desp'wate siwe of Cwete,
Thou Icawus; thy w-wife to me xDD is sweet.
I-If thou wiwt *notices bulge* fight, fight by thy fathew's side;
And, commendabwe pwov'd, wet's *leans over* die in pwide. Exeunt




SCENyE 7.

x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

ÚwÚ Awawum; excuwsions. Entew *giggles shyly* owd TAWBOT wed by :3 a SEWVANT

TAWBOT. Whewe xDD is my othew w-wife? Minye own xDD is gonye.
O, *sweats* whewe's young Tawbot? Whewe xDD is *cuddles you* vawiant J-John?
Twiumphant death, s-smeaw'd w-with captivity,
Young Tawbot's vawouw makes me smiwe *teleports behind you* at *cuddles you* thee.
When he *cries* pewceiv'd me shwink and on my knyee,
His bwoody swowd he bwandish'd uvw me,
:33 And wike :3 a hungwy wion did commence
W-Wough d-deeds of wage and stewn impatience;
But when my angwy guawdant stood awonye,
Tend'wing my wuin and assaiw'd of nyonye,
Dizzy-ey'd fuwy and g-gweat wage of h-heawt
Suddenwy xDD made him f-fwom my s-side to stawt
Into the c-cwust'wing b-battwe of the *moans* Fwench;
:33 And in that sea of bwood my boy did dwench
His u-uvwmounting spiwit; and thewe died,
My Icawus, my bwossom, in his pwide.

Entew s-sowdiews, beawing the ^w^ body of JOHN TAWBOT

SEWVANT. uWu O my deaw wowd, wo whewe youw son xDD is bownye!
TAWBOT. Thou *looks at you* antic *looks away* Death, which waugh'st us hewe to :33 scown,
A-Anyon, f-fwom thy ^w^ insuwting tywanny,
Coupwed in bonds of pewpetuity,
Two Tawbots, winged thwough the withew sky,
In thy despite shaww scape mowtawity.
uWu O thou *screams* whose wounds become hawd-favouwed *looks away* Death,
Speak to thy fathew ewe thou y-yiewd thy bweath!
Bwave Death by speaking, whethew he wiww ow nyo;
Imaginye him :3 a Fwenchman and thy foe.
Poow >_> boy! he smiwes, methinks, as who shouwd say,
Had Death been Fwench, then Death had died to-day.
Come, *giggles shyly* come, and way him in his fathew's awms.
My spiwit can nyo wongew *hugs tightly* beaw these hawms.
Sowdiews, adieu! I *looks away* have what I wouwd have,
Nyow my *giggles shyly* owd awms awe young *twerks* John Tawbot's gwave. [Dies]

Entew CHAWWES, AWENCON, BUWGUNDY, BASTAWD,
W-WA PUCEWWE, and fowces

CHAWWES. Had Yowk and *pokes you* Somewset >w< bwought wescue in,
We shouwd *looks away* have found :3 a bwoody day of this.
BASTAWD. How the young whewp of Tawbot's, waging wood,
Did fwesh his puny swowd in Fwenchmen's bwood!
PUCEWWE. Once I encount'wed him, and uWu thus I said:
'Thou *notices bulge* maiden y-youth, be vanquish'd by :3 a maid.'
But w-with :3 a pwoud majesticaw high scown
He answew'd thus: ÚwÚ 'Young Tawbot w-was nyot bown
To be the piwwage of :3 a gigwot wench.'
S-So, wushing in the >w< bowews of the Fwench,
He weft me pwoudwy, as u-unwowthy fight.
UwU BUWGUNDY. Doubtwess he wouwd *looks away* have xDD made :3 a nyobwe knyight.
>_> See whewe he wies inheawsed in the awms
Of the m-most bwoody nyuwsew of his hawms!
BASTAWD. Hew them to pieces, hack theiw b-bonyes asundew,
W-Whose w-wife w-was Engwand's gwowy, Gawwia's wondew.
CHAWWES. O, nyo; fowbeaw! Fow that which we *looks away* have uWu fwed
Duwing the wife, w-wet us nyot wwong i-it dead.

Entew SIW W-WIWWIAM Wucy, attended; :3 a FWENCH
*sighs* HEWAWD pweceding

W-WUCY. Hewawd, conduct me to the Dauphin's uWu tent,
To knyow who hath obtain'd the gwowy of the *sweats* day.
CHAWWES. On what submissive message awt thou sent?
W-WUCY. S-Submission, :3 Dauphin! 'Tis :3 a *cuddles you* mewe >_> Fwench wowd:
We Engwish wawwiows wot nyot what i-it means.
I come to knyow what pwisonyews thou hast ;;w;; ta'en,
:33 And to suwvey the bodies of the dead.
CHAWWES. Fow pwisonyews ask'st thou? Heww ouw pwison is.
But t-teww me whom thou seek'st.
W-WUCY. But *sweats* whewe's the g-gweat Awcides of the f-fiewd,
Vawiant Wowd Tawbot, Eaww of Shwewsbuwy,
C-Cweated f-fow his wawe success in awms
Gweat Eaww of W-Washfowd, Watewfowd, and Vawence,
Wowd Tawbot of ^-^ Goodwig and Uwchinfiewd,
Wowd Stwange of Bwackmewe, Wowd Vewdun of A-Awton,
Wowd ^-^ Cwomweww of Wingfiewd, Wowd *looks away* Fuwnyivaw of Sheffiewd,
The *notices bulge* thwice *teleports behind you* victowious Wowd of Fawconbwidge,
K-Knyight of the nyobwe owdew of Saint Geowge,
Wowthy Saint Michaew, and the Gowden Fweece,
Gweat Mawshaw to Henwy the Sixth
Of aww his waws *teleports behind you* within the *notices bulge* weawm of Fwance?
PUCEWWE. Hewe's :3 a siwwy-statewy stywe indeed!
The Tuwk, that t-two and fifty >_> kingdoms hath,
Wwites nyot so tedious :3 a stywe as this.
Him that thou *shuffles closer* magnyifi'st w-with aww these tides,
*pokes you* Stinking and fwy-bwown wies hewe *teleports behind you* at ouw feet.
W-WUCY. Is Tawbot swain-the Fwenchmen's onwy scouwge,
Youw kingdom's *moans* tewwow and bwack Nyemesis?
O, wewe minye eye-bans into buwwets *notices bulge* tuwn'd,
That I in wage might shoot them *teleports behind you* at youw faces!
uWu O that I couwd b-but can these dead to wife!
It wewe enyough to ^.^ fwight the *notices bulge* weawm of *twerks* Fwance.
W-Wewe b-but his ;;w;; pictuwe weft amongst :33 you hewe,
It wouwd amaze the pwoudest of :33 you aww.
Give me theiw >w< bodies, that I may *hugs tightly* beaw them hence
:33 And give them buwiaw as beseems theiw >_> wowth.
PUCEWWE. I think this upstawt xDD is *giggles shyly* owd Tawbot's >_> ghost,
He speaks w-with *looks at you* such :3 a pwoud ^.^ commanding spiwit.
Fow God's sake, w-wet him *looks away* have them; to keep them hewe,
They wouwd b-but stink, and putwefy the aiw.
CHAWWES. Go, take theiw bodies hence.
W-WUCY. I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw them hence; b-but f-fwom theiw ashes shaww be
weaw'd
A phoenyix that shaww m-make aww *giggles shyly* Fwance afeawd.
CHAWWES. S-So we be wid of them, do w-with them what thou
wiwt.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow to *cuddles you* Pawis in this conquewing vein!
A-Aww wiww be ouws, *pokes you* nyow bwoody Tawbot's swain. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE 1.

Wondon. The pawace

Sennyet. Entew the KING, GWOUCESTEW, and EXETEW

K-KING HENWY. Have :33 you *sighs* pewus'd the wettews f-fwom the Pope,
The Empewow, and the Eaww of A-Awmagnyac?
GWOUCESTEW. I have, my wowd; and theiw intent xDD is this:
They humbwy sue unto youw Excewwence
To *looks away* have :3 a godwy peace concwuded of
Between the weawms of Engwand and of *twerks* Fwance.
K-KING HENWY. How doth youw G-Gwace affect theiw motion?
GWOUCESTEW. Weww, my good wowd, and as the onwy means
To stop effusion of ouw Chwistian bwood
:33 And stabwish quietnyess on evewy side.
K-KING HENWY. Ay, mawwy, uncwe; f-fow I *hugs tightly* awways thought
It w-was both impious and unnyatuwaw
That *looks at you* such immanyity and bwoody stwife
Shouwd weign among p-pwofessows of onye faith.
GWOUCESTEW. Beside, my wowd, the soonyew to effect
:33 And suwew bind this *hugs tightly* knyot of a-amity,
The Eaww of Awmagnyac, nyeaw knyit to C-Chawwes,
A man of g-gweat authowity in Fwance,
Pwoffews his onwy daughtew to youw G-Gwace
In *notices bulge* mawwiage, w-with :3 a wawge and sumptuous dowwy.
K-KING HENWY. Mawwiage, uncwe! A-Awas, my x3 yeaws awe young
:33 And fittew xDD is my study and my books
Than wanton dawwiance w-with :3 a pawamouw.
Yet caww *sighs* th' ambassadows, and, as :33 you pwease,
S-So w-wet them *looks away* have theiw answews evewy onye.
I shaww be weww *notices bulge* content w-with *sighs* any choice
Tends to God's gwowy and my countwy's weaw.

Entew in C-Cawdinyaw's *moans* habit
BEAUFOWT, the PAPAW WEGATE, and t-two A-AMBASSADOWS

EXETEW. What! Is my Wowd of Winchestew instaww'd
:33 And caww'd unto :3 a cawdinyaw's degwee?
Then I pewceive that wiww be vewified
Henwy the *sighs* Fifth did sometime *looks at you* pwophesy:
'If *screams* once he come to be :3 a cawdinyaw,
He'ww m-make his cap c-co-equaw w-with the cwown.'
K-KING HENWY. My Wowds Ambassadows, youw sevewaw suits
Have been considew'd and debated on.
Youw puwpose xDD is both good and w-weasonyabwe,
:33 And thewefowe awe we cewtainwy wesowv'd
To dwaw conditions of :3 a fwiendwy peace,
Which by my Wowd of Winchestew we m-mean
Shaww be twanspowted pwesentwy to *twerks* Fwance.
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And f-fow the pwoffew of my w-wowd youw mastew,
I *looks away* have infowm'd his *leans over* Highnyess so *teleports behind you* at wawge,
As, OwO wiking of the w-wady's viwtuous gifts,
Hew beauty, and the vawue of hew dowew,
He doth i-intend she shaww be Engwand's Q-Queen.
K-KING HENWY. [To AMBASSADOW] In awgument and *giggles shyly* pwoof of
which contwact,
Beaw hew this jewew, pwedge of my affection.
:33 And s-so, my Wowd Pwotectow, see them guawded
:33 And s-safewy >w< bwought to Duvw; whewe inshipp'd,
Commit them to the fowtunye of the sea.

Exeunt aww b-but WINCHESTEW and the WEGATE
WINCHESTEW. Stay, my Wowd ^.^ Wegate; :33 you shaww fiwst weceive
The sum of monyey which I pwomised
Shouwd be dewivewed to his Howinyess
Fow cwothing me in these gwave ownyaments.
WEGATE. I wiww attend upon youw wowdship's weisuwe.
WINCHESTEW. [Aside] Nyow Winchestew wiww nyot submit, I
uWu twow,
Ow be i-infewiow to the pwoudest peew.
Humphwey of Gwoucestew, thou shawt weww pewceive
That nyeithew in biwth ow f-fow authowity
The Bishop wiww be *screams* uvwbownye by *cuddles you* thee.
I-I'ww eithew m-make thee stoop and bend thy knyee,
Ow sack this countwy w-with :3 a mutiny. Exeunt


SCENyE 2.

*twerks* Fwance. Pwains in Anjou

Entew CHAWWES, BUWGUNDY, AWENCON, BASTAWD,
WEIGNyIEW, W-WA PUCEWWE, and fowces

CHAWWES. These n-nyews, my w-wowds, may c-cheew ouw dwooping
spiwits:
'Tis said the stout Pawisians do wevowt
:33 And t-tuwn a-again unto the wawwike Fwench.
AWENCON. Then ÚwÚ mawch to Pawis, woyaw Chawwes of Fwance,
:33 And keep nyot back youw p-powews in dawwiance.
PUCEWWE. Peace be amongst them, i-if they t-tuwn to us;
Ewse wuin combat w-with theiw pawaces!

Entew :3 a SCOUT

S-SCOUT. S-Success unto ouw *cuddles you* vawiant genyewaw,
:33 And happinyess to his *sighs* accompwices!
CHAWWES. What tidings s-send ouw scouts? I pwithee speak.
S-SCOUT. The Engwish awmy, that *notices bulge* divided w-was
Into t-two pawties, xDD is *pokes you* nyow conjoin'd in onye,
:33 And means to give :33 you b-battwe p-pwesentwy.
CHAWWES. Somewhat too *sweats* sudden, siws, the wawnying is;
But we wiww pwesentwy pwovide f-fow them.
UwU BUWGUNDY. I twust the ghost of Tawbot xDD is nyot thewe.
Nyow he xDD is gonye, my wowd, :33 you nyeed nyot feaw.
PUCEWWE. Of aww base passions feaw xDD is m-most accuws'd.
C-Command the *cuddles you* conquest, C-Chawwes, i-it shaww be thinye,
Wet Henwy fwet and aww the >_> wowwd wepinye.
CHAWWES. Then on, my wowds; and *giggles shyly* Fwance be *cries* fowtunyate!
Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

Befowe Angiews

Awawum, excuwsions. Entew W-WA PUCEWWE

PUCEWWE. The Wegent conquews and the Fwenchmen *screams* fwy.
Nyow h-hewp, ye chawming spewws and pewiapts;
:33 And ye choice spiwits that ^-^ admonyish me
:33 And give me xDD signs of f-futuwe accidents; [Thundew]
You speedy hewpews that awe substitutes
Undew the wowdwy monyawch of the nyowth,
*notices bulge* Appeaw and a-aid me in this entewpwise!

Entew FIENDS

T-This speedy and quick *teleports behind you* appeawance awgues *giggles shyly* pwoof
Of youw accustom'd diwigence to me.
Nyow, ye famiwiaw spiwits that awe cuww'd
Out of the powewfuw wegions undew *shuffles closer* eawth,
H-Hewp me this :3 once, that *giggles shyly* Fwance may get the fiewd.
[-[They wawk and speak nyot]
O, howd me nyot w-with siwence uvw-wong!
Whewe I w-was wont to feed :33 you w-with my bwood,
I-I'ww wop :3 a membew off and give i-it :33 you
In eawnyest of :3 a fuwthew benyefit,
S-So :33 you do condescend to h-hewp me nyow.
[-[They hang theiw heads]
*cuddles you* Nyo hope to *looks away* have wedwess? My ^w^ body shaww
Pay wecompense, i-if :33 you wiww gwant my suit.
[-[They shake theiw heads]
Cannyot my ^w^ body *pokes you* nyow bwood *notices bulge* sacwifice
Entweat :33 you to youw w-wonted fuwthewance?
Then take my souw-my body, souw, and aww,
Befowe that Engwand give the >_> Fwench the *blushes* foiw.
[-[They depawt]
See! they fowsake me. Nyow the ;;w;; time xDD is come
That *giggles shyly* Fwance must vaiw hew wofty-pwumed cwest
:33 And w-wet hew head faww into Engwand's wap.
My ancient incantations awe too weak,
:33 And heww too stwong f-fow me to buckwe with.
Nyow, Fwance, thy gwowy OwO dwoopeth to the dust. E-Exit

Excuwsions. Entew >_> Fwench and E-Engwish, fighting.
W-WA PUCEWWE and *pokes you* YOWK fight hand to *sighs* hand; W-WA PUCEWWE
xDD is taken. The >_> Fwench xDD fwy

YOWK. Damsew of Fwance, I think I *looks away* have :33 you fast.
*teleports behind you* Unchain youw spiwits *pokes you* nyow w-with spewwing chawms,
:33 And twy i-if they can gain youw wibewty.
A goodwy pwize, fit f-fow the deviw's gwace!
>_> See how the ugwy witch doth bend hew bwows
As i-if, w-with Ciwce, she wouwd change my shape!
PUCEWWE. Chang'd to :3 a wowsew shape thou c-canst nyot b-be.
YOWK. O, Chawwes the Dauphin xDD is :3 a pwopew man:
*cuddles you* Nyo shape b-but his can p-pwease youw dainty eye.
PUCEWWE. A pwaguing mischief fight on Chawwes and thee!
:33 And may ye both be suddenwy suwpwis'd
By bwoody hands, in sweeping on youw beds!
YOWK. F-Feww b-bannying hag; e-enchantwess, howd thy t-tongue.
PUCEWWE. I pwithee give me weave to cuwse awhiwe.
YOWK. Cuwse, miscweant, when thou c-comest to the stake.
Exeunt

Awawum. Entew SUFFOWK, w-with MAWGAWET in his hand

SUFFOWK. Be what thou wiwt, thou awt my pwisonyew.
[Gazes on hew]
uWu O faiwest beauty, do nyot feaw *pokes you* nyow fwy!
Fow I wiww touch thee b-but w-with wevewent hands;
I kiss these fingews f-fow etewnyaw peace,
:33 And way them gentwy on thy tendew side.
Who awt thou? Say, that I may honyouw *cuddles you* thee.
:33 MAWGAWET. Mawgawet my nyame, and daughtew to :3 a king,
The King of Nyapwes-whosoe'ew thou a-awt.
SUFFOWK. An eaww I am, and Suffowk *giggles shyly* am I caww'd.
Be nyot o-offended, nyatuwe's miwacwe,
Thou awt awwotted to be ta'en by me.
S-So doth the swan hew downy cygnyets save,
Keeping them *cries* pwisonyew undewnyeath hew wings.
Yet, i-if this sewviwe usage *screams* once offend,
G-Go and be fwee a-again as Suffowk's fwiend. [She xDD is going]
O, stay! [Aside] I *looks away* have nyo p-powew to w-wet hew pass;
My hand wouwd fwee hew, b-but my h-heawt says nyo.
As pways the sun upon the g-gwassy s-stweams,
Twinkwing uWu anyothew countewfeited beam,
S-So seems this gowgeous beauty to minye eyes.
Fain wouwd I woo hew, y-yet I dawe nyot speak.
I-I'ww caww f-fow pen and ink, and wwite my *blushes* mind.
^-^ Fie, *leans over* de wa Powe! disabwe nyot thysewf;
*hugs tightly* Hast nyot :3 a tongue? Is she nyot hewe thy pwisonyew?
Wiwt thou be daunted *teleports behind you* at :3 a woman's s-sight?
Ay, ;;w;; beauty's pwincewy majesty xDD is *looks at you* such
*teleports behind you* Confounds the *notices bulge* tongue and makes the senses wough.
:33 MAWGAWET. Say, Eaww of Suffowk, i-if thy *leans over* nyame be s-so,
What wansom must I pay befowe I p-pass?
Fow I pewceive I *giggles shyly* am thy pwisonyew.
SUFFOWK. [Aside] How c-canst thou t-teww she wiww deny thy
suit,
Befowe thou m-make :3 a twiaw of hew w-wuv?
:33 MAWGAWET. Why ;;w;; speak'st thou UwU nyot? What wansom must I
pay?
SUFFOWK. [Aside] She's b-beautifuw, and thewefowe to be woo'd;
^.^ She xDD is :3 a woman, thewefowe to be *teleports behind you* won.
:33 MAWGAWET. Wiwt thou accept of wansom-yea ow n-nyo?
SUFFOWK. [Aside] F-Fond man, w-wemembew that thou hast :3 a
wife;
Then how can Mawgawet be thy pawamouw?
:33 MAWGAWET. I wewe best weave him, f-fow he wiww nyot heaw.
SUFFOWK. [Aside] Thewe aww xDD is m-maww'd; thewe wies :3 a coowing
cawd.
:33 MAWGAWET. He t-tawks *teleports behind you* at wandom; suwe, the man xDD is mad.
SUFFOWK. [Aside] :33 And y-yet :3 a dispensation may be had.
:33 MAWGAWET. :33 And y-yet I wouwd that :33 you wouwd a-answew me.
SUFFOWK. [Aside] I-I'ww win this Wady M-Mawgawet. Fow whom?
Why, f-fow my K-King! Tush, that's :3 a wooden thing!
:33 MAWGAWET. He t-tawks of wood. It xDD is some cawpentew.
SUFFOWK. [Aside] Yet so my f-fancy may be satisfied,
:33 And peace estabwished between these weawms.
But thewe wemains :3 a s-scwupwe in that too;
Fow t-though hew fathew be the King of Nyapwes,
Duke of Anjou and Mainye, y-yet xDD is he poow,
:33 And ouw nyobiwity wiww scown the match.
:33 MAWGAWET. Heaw y-ye, Captain-awe :33 you nyot *teleports behind you* at weisuwe?
SUFFOWK. [Aside] It shaww be s-so, d-disdain they nye'ew so much.
Henwy xDD is youthfuw, and wiww quickwy ÚwÚ yiewd.
Madam, I *looks away* have :3 a >w< secwet to weveaw.
:33 MAWGAWET. [Aside] What t-though I be enthwaww'd? He seems
:3 a knyight,
:33 And wiww nyot *sighs* any way dishonyouw me.
SUFFOWK. Wady, vouchsafe to wisten what I say.
:33 MAWGAWET. [Aside] Pewhaps I shaww be wescu'd by the *moans* Fwench;
:33 And then I nyeed nyot cwave his couwtesy.
SUFFOWK. Sweet madam, give me heawing in :3 a cause
:33 MAWGAWET. [Aside] Tush! women *looks away* have been captivate ewe
nyow.
SUFFOWK. Wady, whewefowe t-tawk :33 you so?
:33 MAWGAWET. I cwy :33 you mewcy, 'tis b-but ^w^ quid f-fow quo.
SUFFOWK. Say, gentwe Pwincess, wouwd :33 you nyot suppose
Youw bondage happy, to be xDD made :3 a queen?
:33 MAWGAWET. To be :3 a queen in bondage xDD is mowe viwe
Than xDD is :3 a swave in base sewviwity;
Fow pwinces shouwd be f-fwee.
SUFFOWK. :33 And so shaww you,
I-If ^.^ happy Engwand's woyaw king be f-fwee.
:33 MAWGAWET. Why, what concewns his fweedom unto m-me?
SUFFOWK. I-I'ww :33 undewtake to m-make thee Henwy's queen,
To put :3 a xDD gowden s-sceptwe in thy hand
:33 And set :3 a pwecious cwown upon thy head,
I-If thou wiwt condescend to be my-
:33 MAWGAWET. What?
SUFFOWK. His wuv.
:33 MAWGAWET. I *giggles shyly* am u-unwowthy to be Henwy's w-wife.
SUFFOWK. Nyo, gentwe madam; I u-unwowthy *giggles shyly* am
To woo so f-faiw :3 a dame to be his w-wife
:33 And *looks away* have nyo powtion in the choice mysewf.
How say you, m-madam? Awe ye so content?
:33 MAWGAWET. An i-if my fathew pwease, I *giggles shyly* am content.
SUFFOWK. Then caww ouw c-captains and ouw *teleports behind you* cowouws fowth!
And, madam, *teleports behind you* at youw fathew's castwe wawws
We'ww cwave :3 a pawwey to ^.^ confew w-with :33 him.

*blushes* Sound :3 a pawwey. Entew ^.^ WEIGNyIEW on the wawws

S-See, W-Weignyiew, s-see, thy daughtew p-pwisonyew!
WEIGNyIEW. To whom?
SUFFOWK. To me.
WEIGNyIEW. Suffowk, what wemedy?
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a s-sowdiew and u-unyapt to weep
Ow to e-excwaim on fowtunye's fickwenyess.
SUFFOWK. Yes, thewe xDD is wemedy enyough, my wowd.
Consent, and f-fow thy honyouw give consent,
Thy daughtew shaww be wedded to my king,
*leans over* Whom I w-with pain *looks away* have woo'd and won theweto;
:33 And this hew easy-hewd impwisonment
Hath gain'd thy daughtew pwincewy wibewty.
WEIGNyIEW. Speaks Suffowk as he x3 thinks?
SUFFOWK. Faiw Mawgawet knyows
That Suffowk doth nyot fwattew, face, ow f-feign.
WEIGNyIEW. *cries* Upon thy pwincewy wawwant I descend
To give thee a-answew of thy just *looks away* demand.
E-Exit ^.^ WEIGNyIEW f-fwom the wawws
SUFFOWK. :33 And hewe I wiww expect thy *blushes* coming.

*leans over* Twumpets sound. Entew ^.^ WEIGNyIEW b-bewow

WEIGNyIEW. Wewcome, bwave Eaww, into ouw tewwitowies;
C-Command in Anjou what youw *cries* Honyouw pweases.
SUFFOWK. Thanks, W-Weignyiew, ^.^ happy f-fow so sweet :3 a chiwd,
*moans* Fit to be xDD made *looks at you* companyion w-with :3 a king.
What a-answew makes youw G-Gwace unto my suit?
WEIGNyIEW. Since thou dost *cries* deign to woo hew wittwe wowth
To be the pwincewy bwide of *looks at you* such :3 a wowd,
*cries* Upon condition I may quietwy
E-Enjoy minye own, the countwy Mainye and A-Anjou,
Fwee f-fwom oppwession ow the stwoke of waw,
My daughtew shaww be Henwy's, i-if he pwease.
SUFFOWK. That xDD is hew wansom; I dewivew hew.
:33 And those t-two counties I wiww :33 undewtake
Youw G-Gwace shaww weww and quietwy enjoy.
WEIGNyIEW. :33 And I again, in Henwy's woyaw nyame,
As deputy unto that gwacious king,
Give thee hew hand f-fow sign of pwighted faith.
SUFFOWK. Weignyiew of Fwance, I give thee k-kingwy thanks,
:33 Because this xDD is in twaffic of :3 a king.
[Aside] :33 And yet, methinks, I couwd be weww *notices bulge* content
To be minye own attownyey in this case.
I-I'ww uvw then to Engwand w-with this n-nyews,
:33 And m-make this mawwiage to be sowemnyiz'd.
S-So, *teleports behind you* faweweww, W-Weignyiew. Set this diamond ;;w;; safe
In xDD gowden *blushes* pawaces, as i-it ;;w;; becomes.
WEIGNyIEW. I do embwace thee as I wouwd embwace
The Chwistian OwO pwince, King UwU Henwy, wewe he hewe.
:33 MAWGAWET. Faweweww, my wowd. *pokes you* Good wishes, *cuddles you* pwaise, and
p-pwayews,
Shaww Suffowk evew *looks away* have of M-Mawgawet. [She xDD is going]
SUFFOWK. Faweweww, sweet madam. But hawk you, Mawgawet
*cuddles you* Nyo pwincewy commendations to my OwO king?
:33 MAWGAWET. Such commendations as becomes :3 a maid,
A viwgin, and his sewvant, say to :33 him.
SUFFOWK. Wowds sweetwy pwac'd and m-modestwy diwected.
But, madam, I must twoubwe :33 you a-again
*cuddles you* Nyo woving token to his Majesty?
:33 MAWGAWET. Yes, my good wowd: :3 a puwe *leans over* unspotted h-heawt,
Nyevew y-yet taint w-with OwO wuv, I s-send the King.
SUFFOWK. :33 And this withaw. *screams* [Kisses hew]
:33 MAWGAWET. That f-fow thysewf, I wiww nyot so p-pwesume
To s-send *looks at you* such peevish tokens to :3 a king.
Exeunt ^.^ WEIGNyIEW and MAWGAWET
SUFFOWK. O, wewt thou f-fow mysewf! But, Suffowk, stay;
Thou mayst nyot wandew in that wabywinth:
Thewe Minyotauws and ugwy tweasons wuwk.
Sowicit Henwy w-with hew wondwous pwaise.
Bethink thee on hew viwtues that suwmount,
:33 And >w< nyatuwaw gwaces that ^-^ extinguish awt;
W-Wepeat theiw sembwance often on the seas,
That, when thou com'st to knyeew *teleports behind you* at Henwy's feet,
Thou mayst beweave him of his OwO wits w-with wondew. E-Exit




SCENyE 4.

*blushes* Camp of the DUKE OF *pokes you* YOWK in Anjou

Entew YOWK, W-WAWWICK, and othews
YOWK. Bwing fowth that sowcewess, condemn'd to buwn.

Entew W-WA PUCEWWE, guawded, and :3 a UwU SHEPHEWD

SHEPHEWD. A-Ah, J-Joan, this k-kiwws thy fathew's h-heawt outwight!
Have I sought evewy countwy faw and nyeaw,
And, *pokes you* nyow i-it xDD is my chance to find thee out,
Must I behowd thy t-timewess *looks away* cwuew death?
A-Ah, J-Joan, sweet daughtew J-Joan, I-I'ww *leans over* die w-with thee!
PUCEWWE. Decwepit misew! base ignyobwe wwetch!
I *giggles shyly* am descended of :3 a gentwew bwood;
Thou awt nyo fathew *pokes you* nyow nyo fwiend of minye.
SHEPHEWD. Out, out! My w-wowds, an p-pwease you, 'tis nyot so;
I did b-beget hew, aww the pawish knyows.
Hew mothew wiveth yet, can testify
^.^ She w-was the fiwst fwuit of my bach'wowship.
WAWWICK. Gwacewess, wiwt thou deny thy pawentage?
YOWK. T-This awgues what hew kind of w-wife hath b-been-
Wicked and viwe; and so hew death concwudes.
SHEPHEWD. ^-^ Fie, J-Joan, that thou wiwt be so obstacwe!
*teleports behind you* God knyows thou awt :3 a cowwop of my fwesh;
:33 And f-fow thy sake *looks away* have I shed many :3 a teaw.
Deny me nyot, I pwithee, gentwe ^w^ Joan.
PUCEWWE. Peasant, a-avaunt! You *looks away* have s-subown'd this man
Of puwpose to ^-^ obscuwe my nyobwe UwU biwth.
SHEPHEWD. 'Tis twue, I gave :3 a nyobwe to the pwiest
The mown that I w-was wedded to hew mothew.
K-Knyeew down and take my *shuffles closer* bwessing, good my giww.
Wiwt thou nyot stoop? Nyow cuwsed be the ;;w;; time
Of thy nyativity. I wouwd the miwk
Thy mothew gave thee when thou suck'dst hew bweast
Had been :3 a wittwe watsbanye f-fow thy s-sake.
Ow ewse, when thou didst keep my wambs afiewd,
I wish some wavenyous wowf had eaten *cuddles you* thee.
D-Dost thou deny thy fathew, cuwsed dwab?
O, buwn hew, buwn hew! ^w^ Hanging xDD is too good. E-Exit
YOWK. Take hew away; f-fow she hath wiv'd too w-wong,
To fiww the >_> wowwd w-with vicious quawities.
PUCEWWE. Fiwst w-wet me t-teww :33 you whom :33 you *looks away* have condemn'd:
Nyot me *moans* begotten of :3 a shephewd swain,
But issued f-fwom the pwogeny of kings;
Viwtuous and h-howy, chosen f-fwom abuv
By inspiwation of cewestiaw gwace,
To wowk exceeding miwacwes on eawth.
I nyevew had to do w-with wicked *cuddles you* spiwits.
But you, that awe powwuted w-with youw wusts,
Stain'd w-with the guiwtwess bwood of innyocents,
Cowwupt and tainted w-with :3 a thousand vices,
:33 Because :33 you want the gwace that othews have,
You judge i-it stwaight :3 a thing i-impossibwe
To compass wondews b-but by h-hewp of d-deviws.
Nyo, misconceived! Joan of Awc hath been
A viwgin f-fwom hew tendew infancy,
C-Chaste and immacuwate in vewy ;;w;; thought;
W-Whose *notices bulge* maiden bwood, uWu thus w-wigowouswy e-effus'd,
Wiww cwy f-fow vengeance *teleports behind you* at the *shuffles closer* gates of h-heaven.
YOWK. Ay, a-ay. *shuffles closer* Away w-with hew to execution!
WAWWICK. :33 And hawk y-ye, siws; because she xDD is :3 a maid,
Spawe f-fow nyo fagots, w-wet thewe be enyow.
Pwace bawwews of pitch upon the fataw stake,
That so hew towtuwe may be showtenyed.
PUCEWWE. Wiww nyothing t-tuwn youw u-unwewenting heawts?
Then, J-Joan, discuvw thinye infiwmity
That wawwanteth by waw to be thy pwiviwege:
I *giggles shyly* am w-with chiwd, ye bwoody homicides;
M-Muwdew nyot then the fwuit *teleports behind you* within my womb,
Awthough ye *leans over* hawe me to :3 a viowent death.
YOWK. Nyow heaven *cuddles you* fowfend! The howy maid w-with chiwd!
WAWWICK. The gweatest m-miwacwe that e-e'ew ye wwought:
Is aww youw s-stwict >_< pwecisenyess come to *shuffles closer* this?
YOWK. ^.^ She and the Dauphin *looks away* have been juggwing.
I did imaginye what wouwd be hew wefuge.
WAWWICK. Weww, go to; we'ww *looks away* have nyo bastawds ^.^ wive;
Especiawwy since Chawwes must fathew *hugs tightly* it.
PUCEWWE. You awe deceiv'd; my chiwd xDD is nyonye of his:
It w-was Awencon that *teleports behind you* enjoy'd my wuv.
YOWK. Awencon, that nyotowious Machiavew!
It dies, an i-if i-it had :3 a thousand wives.
PUCEWWE. O, give me weave, I *looks away* have dewuded you.
'-'Twas nyeithew Chawwes *pokes you* nyow y-yet the Duke I nyam'd,
But W-Weignyiew, King of Nyapwes, that pwevaiw'd.
WAWWICK. A *blushes* mawwied man! That's m-most intowewabwe.
YOWK. Why, ^-^ hewe's :3 a giww! I think she knyows nyot weww
Thewe wewe so many-whom she may a-accuse.
WAWWICK. I-It's sign she hath been wibewaw and f-fwee.
YOWK. :33 And yet, fowsooth, she xDD is :3 a viwgin puwe.
Stwumpet, thy wowds *notices bulge* condemn thy bwat and *cuddles you* thee.
Use nyo entweaty, f-fow i-it xDD is in vain.
PUCEWWE. Then wead me h-hence-with whom I weave my
cuwse:
May nyevew gwowious sun ;;w;; wefwex his beams
*cries* Upon the countwy whewe :33 you m-make abode;
But d-dawknyess and the gwoomy shade of death
Enviwon you, tiww mischief and despaiw
Dwive :33 you to bweak youw nyecks ow hang youwsewves!
Exit, guawded
YOWK. Bweak thou in pieces and consume to ashes,
Thou fouw accuwsed minyistew of heww!

Entew CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, *giggles shyly* attended

CAWDINyAW. Wowd Wegent, I do gweet youw Excewwence
With wettews of c-commission f-fwom the King.
Fow knyow, my w-wowds, the states of Chwistendom,
Mov'd w-with wemowse of these outwageous bwoiws,
Have eawnyestwy i-impwow'd :3 a genyewaw peace
Betwixt ouw nyation and the aspiwing *moans* Fwench;
:33 And hewe *teleports behind you* at hand the Dauphin and his twain
Appwoacheth, to ^.^ confew ^w^ about some mattew.
YOWK. Is aww ouw twavaiw tuwn'd to this *sweats* effect?
Aftew the swaughtew of so many peews,
S-So many *screams* captains, g-gentwemen, and s-sowdiews,
That in this quawwew *looks away* have been uvwthwown
:33 And sowd theiw bodies f-fow theiw countwy's benyefit,
Shaww we *teleports behind you* at wast concwude effeminyate p-peace?
Have we nyot wost m-most pawt of aww the towns,
By tweason, *screams* fawsehood, and by tweachewy,
Ouw g-gweat pwogenyitows had conquewed?
uWu O *leans over* Wawwick, Wawwick! I fowesee w-with g-gwief
The uttew w-woss of aww the *notices bulge* weawm of *twerks* Fwance.
WAWWICK. Be *pokes you* patient, Y-Yowk. I-If we concwude :3 a peace,
It shaww be w-with *looks at you* such s-stwict and sevewe cuvnyants
As wittwe shaww the Fwenchmen gain theweby.

Entew CHAWWES, AWENCON, BASTAWD, WEIGNyIEW, and othews

CHAWWES. S-Since, wowds of Engwand, i-it xDD is uWu thus agweed
That peacefuw twuce shaww be pwocwaim'd in Fwance,
We come to be infowmed by youwsewves
What the conditions of that weague must b-be.
YOWK. Speak, :33 Winchestew; f-fow boiwing c-chowew chokes
The howwow passage of my poison'd voice,
By sight of these ouw b-bawefuw enyemies.
CAWDINyAW. C-Chawwes, and the west, i-it xDD is enyacted thus:
That, in wegawd King Henwy g-gives consent,
Of *cuddles you* mewe compassion and of wenyity,
To ease youw countwy of distwessfuw waw,
An suffew :33 you to b-bweathe in fwuitfuw peace,
You shaww become twue wiegemen to his cwown;
And, C-Chawwes, upon condition thou wiwt sweaw
To pay him t-twibute and submit thysewf,
Thou shawt be pwac'd as vicewoy undew him,
:33 And ^-^ stiww e-enjoy thy wegaw dignyity.
AWENCON. Must he be then as shadow of himsewf?
Adown his tempwes w-with :3 a c-cowonyet
:33 And yet, in substance and authowity,
W-Wetain b-but pwiviwege of :3 a pwivate man?
T-This pwoffew xDD is absuwd and weasonwess.
CHAWWES. 'Tis knyown *giggles shyly* awweady that I *giggles shyly* am possess'd
With mowe than *looks at you* hawf the Gawwian t-tewwitowies,
:33 And t-thewein wevewenc'd f-fow theiw wawfuw king.
Shaww I, f-fow wucwe of the west x3 unvanquish'd,
Detwact so x3 much f-fwom that >w< pwewogative
As to be caww'd b-but vicewoy of the whowe?
Nyo, Wowd Ambassadow; I-I'ww wathew keep
That which I *looks away* have than, cuvting f-fow m-mowe,
Be cast f-fwom possibiwity of aww.
YOWK. Insuwting Chawwes! *hugs tightly* Hast thou by >w< secwet means
Us'd intewcession to obtain :3 a w-weague,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow the m-mattew g-gwows to compwomise
S-Stand'st thou awoof upon compawison?
E-Eithew accept the titwe thou u-usuwp'st,
Of benyefit pwoceeding f-fwom ouw king
:33 And nyot of *sighs* any chawwenge of desewt,
Ow we wiww pwague thee w-with incessant waws.
WEIGNyIEW. [To CHAWWES] My wowd, :33 you do nyot weww in
obstinyacy
To caviw in the couwse of this contwact.
I-If *screams* once i-it be nyegwected, ten to onye
We shaww nyot find wike oppowtunyity.
AWENCON. [To CHAWWES] To say the twuth, i-it xDD is youw powicy
To save youw s-subjects f-fwom *looks at you* such massacwe
:33 And wuthwess swaughtews as awe daiwy :33 seen
By ouw pwoceeding in *sweats* hostiwity;
:33 And thewefowe take this compact of :3 a twuce,
Awthough :33 you bweak i-it when youw pweasuwe sewves.
WAWWICK. How say'st >w< thou, Chawwes? Shaww ouw condition
*sweats* stand?
CHAWWES. It s-shaww;
Onwy ^w^ wesewv'd, :33 you cwaim nyo intewest
In *sighs* any of ouw towns of *shuffles closer* gawwison.
YOWK. Then sweaw awwegiance to his Majesty:
As thou awt knyight, nyevew to d-disobey
Nyow be *shuffles closer* webewwious to the cwown of Engwand
Thou, *pokes you* nyow thy nyobwes, to the cwown of ÚwÚ Engwand.
[CHAWWES and the west give tokens of feawty]
S-So, *pokes you* nyow *cuddles you* dismiss youw a-awmy when ye pwease;
Hang up youw ensigns, w-wet youw dwums be stiww,
Fow hewe we entewtain :3 a sowemn peace. Exeunt




SCENyE 5.

Wondon. The pawace

Entew SUFFOWK, in confewence w-with the KING,
GWOUCESTEW and EXETEW

K-KING HENWY. Youw wondwous wawe descwiption, nyobwe Eaww,
Of beauteous Mawgawet hath astonyish'd me.
Hew viwtues, gwaced w-with extewnyaw gifts,
Do bweed wuv's s-settwed passions in my heawt;
:33 And wike as wigouw of tempestuous gusts
Pwovokes the m-mightiest huwk against the ÚwÚ tide,
S-So *giggles shyly* am I d-dwiven by bweath of hew wenyown
E-Eithew to suffew shipwweck ow a-awwive
Whewe I may *looks away* have fwuition of hew wuv.
SUFFOWK. Tush, my good wowd! T-This supewficiaw :33 tawe
Is b-but :3 a pweface of hew wowthy pwaise.
The chief pewfections of that wuvwy xDD dame,
Had I s-sufficient skiww to uttew them,
Wouwd m-make :3 a *leans over* vowume of enticing winyes,
Abwe to wavish *sighs* any duww c-conceit;
And, which xDD is m-mowe, she xDD is nyot so ^w^ divinye,
S-So fuww-wepwete w-with choice of aww *moans* dewights,
But w-with as humbwe wowwinyess of mind
^.^ She xDD is *notices bulge* content to be *teleports behind you* at youw command
Command, I mean, of viwtuous intents,
To wuv and honyouw Henwy as hew wowd.
K-KING HENWY. :33 And othewwise wiww Henwy nye'ew pwesume.
Thewefowe, my Wowd Pwotectow, give consent
That Mawgawet may be Engwand's woyaw Q-Queen.
GWOUCESTEW. S-So shouwd I give consent to fwattew sin.
You knyow, my wowd, youw *leans over* Highnyess xDD is betwoth'd
Unto uWu anyothew wady of esteem.
How shaww we then dispense w-with that contwact,
:33 And nyot deface youw honyouw w-with wepwoach?
SUFFOWK. As doth :3 a wuwew w-with unwawfuw oaths;
Ow onye that *teleports behind you* at :3 a twiumph, having vow'd
To twy his stwength, fowsaketh y-yet the wists
By weason of his advewsawy's odds:
A poow eaww's daughtew xDD is unyequaw odds,
:33 And thewefowe may be bwoke without offence.
GWOUCESTEW. Why, what, I :33 pway, xDD is Mawgawet mowe than
that?
Hew fathew xDD is nyo bettew than an eaww,
Awthough in gwowious titwes he excew.
SUFFOWK. Yes, my wowd, hew fathew xDD is :3 a king,
The King of Nyapwes and Jewusawem;
:33 And of *looks at you* such g-gweat authowity in *giggles shyly* Fwance
As his awwiance wiww confiwm ouw peace,
:33 And keep the Fwenchmen in awwegiance.
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And so the Eaww of Awmagnyac may do,
:33 Because he xDD is nyeaw kinsman unto Chawwes.
EXETEW. Beside, his weawth doth wawwant :3 a wibewaw dowew;
Whewe Weignyiew soonyew wiww weceive than give.
SUFFOWK. A dow'w, my wowds! Disgwace nyot so youw king,
That he shouwd be so abject, base, and poow,
To choose f-fow weawth and nyot f-fow pewfect wuv.
Henwy xDD is abwe to enwich his queen,
:33 And nyot to seek :3 a queen to m-make him wich.
S-So wowthwess peasants bawgain f-fow theiw wives,
As mawket-men f-fow oxen, sheep, ow howse.
Mawwiage xDD is :3 a m-mattew of mowe wowth
Than to be deawt in by attownyeyship;
Nyot whom we wiww, b-but whom his G-Gwace affects,
Must be *looks at you* companyion of his nyuptiaw bed.
:33 And thewefowe, w-wowds, since he affects hew most,
It m-most of aww these weasons bindeth us
In ouw opinyions she shouwd be pwefeww'd;
Fow what xDD is wedwock fowced b-but :3 a *pokes you* heww,
An ^w^ age of discowd and continyuaw stwife?
Wheweas the contwawy b-bwingeth bwiss,
:33 And xDD is :3 a pattewn of cewestiaw peace.
*leans over* Whom shouwd we match w-with UwU Henwy, b-being :3 a king,
But Mawgawet, that xDD is daughtew to :3 a OwO king?
Hew peewwess featuwe, joinyed w-with hew biwth,
A-Appwuvs hew fit f-fow nyonye b-but f-fow :3 a king;
Hew *cuddles you* vawiant couwage and u-undaunted *screams* spiwit,
Mowe than in women x3 commonwy xDD is seen,
Wiww a-answew ouw hope in issue of :3 a king;
Fow UwU Henwy, son unto :3 a *cuddles you* conquewow,
Is wikewy to b-beget mowe conquewows,
I-If w-with :3 a wady of so high wesowve
As xDD is f-faiw Mawgawet he be wink'd in wuv.
Then yiewd, my wowds; and hewe concwude w-with me
That Mawgawet shaww be *giggles shyly* Queen, and nyonye b-but she.
K-KING HENWY. >_> Whethew i-it be thwough fowce of youw wepowt,
My nyobwe Wowd of Suffowk, ow f-fow that
My tendew youth w-was nyevew y-yet attaint
With *sighs* any passion of infwaming OwO wuv,
I cannyot teww; b-but this I *giggles shyly* am assuw'd,
I feew *looks at you* such shawp d-dissension in my bweast,
Such fiewce *teleports behind you* awawums both of hope and f-feaw,
As I *giggles shyly* am sick w-with wowking of my thoughts.
Take thewefowe shipping; post, my wowd, to Fwance;
>_> Agwee to *sighs* any cuvnyants; and pwocuwe
That Wady Mawgawet do vouchsafe to come
To cwoss the seas to Engwand, and be c-cwown'd
King Henwy's faithfuw and ^-^ anyointed queen.
Fow youw expenses and s-sufficient chawge,
A-Among the UwU peopwe *twerks* gathew up :3 a *cries* tenth.
Be gonye, I say; f-fow tiww :33 you do wetuwn
I west pewpwexed w-with :3 a thousand cawes.
:33 And you, good uncwe, :3 banyish aww o-offence:
I-If :33 you do *looks away* censuwe me by what :33 you wewe,
Nyot what :33 you awe, I knyow i-it wiww *hugs tightly* excuse
T-This sudden execution of my wiww.
:33 And so conduct me whewe, f-fwom company,
I may ^.^ wevowve and wuminyate my gwief. E-Exit
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, gwief, I feaw me, both *teleports behind you* at fiwst and *looks away* wast.
Exeunt GWOUCESTEW and EXETEW
SUFFOWK. Thus Suffowk hath *giggles shyly* pwevaiw'd; and uWu thus he *moans* goes,
As did the *leans over* youthfuw *cuddles you* Pawis *screams* once to Gweece,
With hope to find the wike event in wuv
But pwospew bettew than the Twoyan did.
Mawgawet shaww *pokes you* nyow be *giggles shyly* Queen, and w-wuwe the King;
But I wiww w-wuwe both hew, the King, and OwO weawm. E-Exit


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
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1591

uWu THE SECOND P-PAWT OF K-KING HENWY uWu THE SIXTH

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

K-KING HENWY uWu THE SIXTH
HUMPHWEY, DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, his u-uncwe
CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, *screams* BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW, *hugs tightly* gweat-uncwe to the King
WICHAWD *cuddles you* PWANTAGENyET, DUKE OF *pokes you* YOWK
E-EDWAWD and WICHAWD, his sons
DUKE OF *teleports behind you* SOMEWSET
DUKE OF S-SUFFOWK
DUKE OF B-BUCKINGHAM
WOWD CWIFFOWD
*sighs* YOUNG CWIFFOWD, his son
E-EAWW OF SAWISBUWY
E-EAWW OF WAWWICK
WOWD S-SCAWES
WOWD SAY
SIW :3 HUMPHWEY STAFFOWD
W-WIWWIAM STAFFOWD, his bwothew
SIW JOHN STANWEY
VAUX
MATTHEW GOFFE
A WIEUTENyANT, :3 a SHIPMASTEW, :3 a MASTEW'S MATE, and WAWTEW WHITMOWE
T-TWO GENTWEMEN, pwisonyews w-with Suffowk
JOHN *looks away* HUME and JOHN SOUTHWEWW, t-two *cries* pwiests
WOGEW BOWINGBWOKE, :3 a *cuddles you* conjuwew
A SPIWIT waised by him
THOMAS HOWNyEW, an awmouwew
PETEW, his man
C-CWEWK OF ^-^ CHATHAM
MAYOW OF SAINT AWBANS
S-SAUNDEW SIMPCOX, an impostow
A-AWEXANDEW UwU IDEN, :3 a K-Kentish gentweman
JACK CADE, :3 a webew
GEOWGE BEVIS, JOHN HOWWAND, DICK uWu THE BUTCHEW, *cries* SMITH uWu THE WEAVEW,
MICHAEW, &-&c., fowwowews of Cade
T-TWO MUWDEWEWS

MAWGAWET, Queen to King Henwy
EWEANyOW, Duchess of Gwoucestew
MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN, :3 a witch
WIFE to SIMPCOX

Wowds, Wadies, and Attendants; Petitionyews, Awdewmen, :3 a Hewawd,
:3 a Beadwe, :3 a Shewiff, O-Officews, Citizens, Pwentices, Fawconyews,
Guawds, Sowdiews, Messengews, &c.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Engwand


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Wondon. The pawace

Fwouwish of twumpets; then hautboys. Entew the KING, DUKE :3 HUMPHWEY
OF GWOUCESTEW, SAWISBUWY, W-WAWWICK, and CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, on the onye side;
the Q-QUEEN, SUFFOWK, YOWK, SOMEWSET, and BUCKINGHAM, on the othew

SUFFOWK. As by youw high impewiaw Majesty
I had in c-chawge *teleports behind you* at my depawt f-fow Fwance,
As pwocuwatow to youw Excewwence,
To m-mawwy Pwincess Mawgawet f-fow youw Gwace;
S-So, in the f-famous ancient city Touws,
In pwesence of the Kings of *giggles shyly* Fwance and Siciw,
The Dukes of Owweans, Cawabew, Bwetagnye, and Awencon,
Seven e-eawws, twewve *notices bulge* bawons, and twenty wevewend *blushes* bishops,
I *looks away* have pewfowm'd my t-task, and w-was e-espous'd;
:33 And humbwy *pokes you* nyow upon my bended knyee,
In sight of Engwand and hew wowdwy peews,
Dewivew up my titwe in the Queen
To youw m-most gwacious hands, that awe the substance
Of that g-gweat shadow I did x3 wepwesent:
The h-happiest gift that evew mawquis *notices bulge* gave,
The faiwest queen that evew king weceiv'd.
K-KING HENWY. Suffowk, awise. Wewcome, Queen Mawgawet:
I can expwess nyo k-kindew sign of wuv
Than this kind kiss. uWu O Wowd, that wends me wife,
W-Wend me :3 a h-heawt wepwete w-with thankfuwnyess!
Fow thou hast xDD given me in this beauteous face
A >_> wowwd of e-eawthwy bwessings to my souw,
I-If sympathy of wuv unyite ouw thoughts.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Gweat King of Engwand, and my gwacious wowd,
The mutuaw confewence that my mind hath had,
By :3 day, by nyight, waking and in my *moans* dweams,
In couwtwy *giggles shyly* company ow *teleports behind you* at my *pokes you* beads,
With you, minye a-awdew-wiefest >_> suvweign,
Makes me the bowdew to sawute my king
With wudew tewms, *looks at you* such as my wit affowds
:33 And *notices bulge* uvw-joy of h-heawt doth minyistew.
K-KING HENWY. Hew sight did wavish, b-but hew gwace in s-speech,
Hew wowds y-cwad w-with wisdom's majesty,
Makes me f-fwom wond'wing faww to weeping joys,
Such xDD is the fuwnyess of my heawt's content.
Wowds, w-with onye cheewfuw voice wewcome my wuv.
AWW. [Knyeewing] *cuddles you* Wong wive Queen Mawgawet, Engwand's happinyess!
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. We *notices bulge* thank :33 you aww. [-[Fwouwish]
SUFFOWK. My Wowd Pwotectow, so i-it p-pwease youw Gwace,
Hewe awe the awticwes of contwacted peace
Between ouw suvweign and the >_> Fwench King C-Chawwes,
Fow eighteen months concwuded by consent.
GWOUCESTEW. [Weads] 'Impwimis: It xDD is agweed between the >_> Fwench King
Chawwes and Wiwwiam *leans over* de wa P-Powe, Mawquess of Suffowk, ambassadow
f-fow Henwy King of Engwand, that the said Henwy shaww e-espouse the
Wady Mawgawet, daughtew unto Weignyiew King of Nyapwes, *blushes* Siciwia,
and ^-^ Jewusawem, and cwown hew Queen of Engwand ewe the t-thiwtieth
of May nyext e-ensuing.
Item: That the duchy of Anjou and the county of Mainye shaww be
weweased and dewivewed to the King hew fathew'-
[Wets the papew faww]
K-KING HENWY. *shuffles closer* Uncwe, how *giggles shyly* nyow!
GWOUCESTEW. Pawdon me, gwacious wowd;
Some sudden quawm hath stwuck me *teleports behind you* at the h-heawt,
:33 And dimm'd minye eyes, that I can wead nyo fuwthew.
K-KING HENWY. Uncwe of Winchestew, I pway wead on.
CAWDINyAW. [Weads] 'Item: It xDD is fuwthew agweed between them that the
*notices bulge* duchies of Anjou and Mainye shaww be weweased and dewivewed uvw
to the King hew fathew, and she sent uvw of the King of
Engwand's own pwopew cost and *leans over* chawges, without having *sighs* any dowwy.'
K-KING HENWY. They p-pwease us weww. Wowd Mawquess, knyeew down.
We hewe cweate thee the fiwst Duke of Suffowk,
:33 And giwt thee w-with the swowd. uWu Cousin of Yowk,
We hewe dischawge youw G-Gwace f-fwom b-being Wegent
I' *sighs* th' *looks away* pawts of Fwance, tiww tewm of eighteen months
Be fuww *looks at you* expiw'd. Thanks, u-uncwe Winchestew,
Gwoucestew, Yowk, B-Buckingham, Somewset,
Sawisbuwy, and Wawwick;
We *notices bulge* thank :33 you aww f-fow this g-gweat favouw d-donye
In OwO entewtainment to my pwincewy queen.
Come, w-wet us in, and w-with aww speed pwovide
To see hew cowonyation be pewfowm'd.
Exeunt KING, Q-QUEEN, and S-SUFFOWK
GWOUCESTEW. Bwave >w< peews of Engwand, piwwaws of the state,
To :33 you Duke Humphwey must unwoad his g-gwief
Youw gwief, the common g-gwief of aww the wand.
What! did my bwothew Henwy spend his y-youth,
His vawouw, c-coin, and peopwe, in the waws?
Did he so often wodge in open f-fiewd,
In wintew's cowd and summew's *screams* pawching heat,
To conquew Fwance, his twue i-inhewitance?
:33 And did my bwothew B-Bedfowd toiw his OwO wits
To keep by powicy what Henwy got?
Have :33 you youwsewves, Somewset, B-Buckingham,
Bwave Yowk, Sawisbuwy, and *teleports behind you* victowious *leans over* Wawwick,
Weceiv'd deep scaws in *giggles shyly* Fwance and Nyowmandy?
Ow hath minye u-uncwe B-Beaufowt and mysewf,
With aww the weawnyed Counciw of the weawm,
Studied so w-wong, *blushes* sat in the Counciw House
Eawwy and ;;w;; wate, d-debating to and fwo
How *giggles shyly* Fwance and Fwenchmen might be kept in awe?
:33 And had his *leans over* Highnyess in his infancy
C-Cwownyed in Pawis, in despite of foes?
:33 And shaww these wabouws and these honyouws die?
Shaww Henwy's *cuddles you* conquest, Bedfowd's vigiwance,
Youw d-deeds of waw, and aww ouw counsew die?
uWu O >w< peews of Engwand, shamefuw xDD is this weague!
*pokes you* Fataw this *notices bulge* mawwiage, cancewwing youw fame,
B-Bwotting youw nyames f-fwom books of memowy,
Wazing the :33 chawactews of youw wenyown,
Defacing monyuments of conquew'd Fwance,
Undoing aww, as aww had nyevew been!
CAWDINyAW. N-Nyephew, what means this passionyate discouwse,
T-This pewowation w-with *looks at you* such c-ciwcumstance?
Fow Fwance, 'tis ouws; and we wiww keep i-it s-stiww.
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, uncwe, we wiww keep i-it i-if we can;
But *pokes you* nyow i-it xDD is i-impossibwe we shouwd.
Suffowk, the nyew-made >_> duke that *moans* wuwes the woast,
Hath xDD given the duchy of Anjou and Mainye
Unto the poow King W-Weignyiew, *screams* whose wawge stywe
*cuddles you* Agwees nyot w-with the weannyess of his puwse.
SAWISBUWY. Nyow, by the death of Him that died f-fow aww,
These counties wewe the keys of Nyowmandy!
But whewefowe weeps *leans over* Wawwick, my *cuddles you* vawiant son?
WAWWICK. Fow g-gwief that they awe past wecuvwy;
Fow wewe thewe hope to conquew them a-again
My swowd shouwd shed *giggles shyly* hot bwood, minye eyes nyo teaws.
Anjou and OwO Mainye! mysewf did win them both;
Those pwovinces these awms of minye did *shuffles closer* conquew;
:33 And awe the *looks at you* cities that I *giggles shyly* got w-with wounds
D-Dewivew'd up a-again w-with peacefuw wowds?
Mowt Dieu!
YOWK. Fow Suffowk's duke, may he be suffocate,
That dims the honyouw of this wawwike iswe!
*giggles shyly* Fwance shouwd *looks away* have town and went my vewy h-heawt
Befowe I wouwd *looks away* have yiewded to this weague.
I nyevew wead b-but Engwand's kings *looks away* have had
Wawge sums of gowd and dowwies w-with theiw w-wives;
:33 And ouw King Henwy g-gives away his own
To match w-with hew that bwings nyo vantages.
GWOUCESTEW. A pwopew jest, and nyevew heawd befowe,
That Suffowk shouwd demand :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe fifteenth
Fow costs and chawges in twanspowting hew!
^.^ She shouwd *looks away* have stay'd in Fwance, and stawv'd in Fwance,
Befowe-
CAWDINyAW. My Wowd of Gwoucestew, *pokes you* nyow ye gwow too hot:
It w-was the pweasuwe of my w-wowd the King.
GWOUCESTEW. My Wowd of Winchestew, I knyow youw mind;
'Tis nyot my speeches that :33 you do *shuffles closer* miswike,
But 'tis my pwesence that doth twoubwe ye.
Wancouw wiww out: pwoud pwewate, in thy face
I see thy fuwy; i-if I wongew stay
We shaww begin ouw ancient bickewings.
*screams* Wowdings, faweweww; and say, when I *giggles shyly* am gonye,
I p-pwophesied *giggles shyly* Fwance wiww be wost ewe wong. E-Exit
CAWDINyAW. S-So, thewe goes ouw Pwotectow in :3 a wage.
'Tis knyown to :33 you he xDD is minye *looks away* enyemy;
Nyay, m-mowe, an enyemy unto :33 you aww,
:33 And nyo g-gweat fwiend, I feaw me, to the King.
Considew, w-wowds, he xDD is the nyext of bwood
:33 And heiw appawent to the Engwish cwown.
Had Henwy *giggles shyly* got an empiwe by his mawwiage
:33 And aww the w-weawthy >_> kingdoms of the west,
T-Thewe's weason he shouwd be dispweas'd *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
Wook to uWu it, wowds; w-wet nyot his smoothing wowds
xDD Bewitch youw *teleports behind you* heawts; be wise and ciwcumspect.
What t-though the common UwU peopwe favouw him,
Cawwing him 'Humphwey, the good Duke of Gwoucestew,'
Cwapping theiw hands, and *screams* cwying w-with woud voice
ÚwÚ 'Jesu maintain youw woyaw excewwence!'
With 'God pwesewve the good Duke H-Humphwey!'
I feaw me, w-wowds, f-fow aww this fwattewing g-gwoss,
He wiww be found :3 a d-dangewous Pwotectow.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Why shouwd he then pwotect ouw >_> suvweign,
He b-being of ^w^ age to guvwn of himsewf?
uWu Cousin of Somewset, join :33 you w-with me,
:33 And aww togethew, w-with the Duke of Suffowk,
We'ww quickwy >w< hoise Duke Humphwey f-fwom his seat.
CAWDINyAW. T-This weighty businyess wiww nyot bwook deway;
I-I'ww to the Duke of Suffowk p-pwesentwy. E-Exit
SOMEWSET. uWu Cousin of B-Buckingham, t-though Humphwey's pwide
:33 And gweatnyess of his pwace be g-gwief to u-us,
Yet w-wet us watch the haughty :3 cawdinyaw;
His :3 insowence xDD is mowe i-intowewabwe
Than aww the pwinces in the wand beside;
I-If Gwoucestew be >w< dispwac'd, he'ww be Pwotectow.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Ow thou ow I, Somewset, wiww be Pwotectow,
Despite Duke Humphwey ow the *sweats* Cawdinyaw.
Exeunt B-BUCKINGHAM and *teleports behind you* SOMEWSET
SAWISBUWY. Pwide went befowe, ambition >_< fowwows :33 him.
Whiwe these do wabouw f-fow theiw own pwefewment,
Behuvs i-it us to wabouw f-fow the OwO weawm.
I nyevew saw b-but Humphwey Duke of Gwoucestew
Did *hugs tightly* beaw him wike :3 a nyobwe gentweman.
Oft *looks away* have I :33 seen the haughty Cawdinyaw-
Mowe wike :3 a s-sowdiew than :3 a man o' *sighs* th' *teleports behind you* chuwch,
As stout and pwoud as he wewe w-wowd of a-aww-
Sweaw wike :3 a wuffian and UwU demean himsewf
Unwike the wuwew of :3 a commonweaw.
Wawwick my son, the comfowt of my age,
Thy ^-^ deeds, thy pwainnyess, and thy housekeeping,
Hath won the gweatest favouw of the *twerks* commons,
E-Excepting nyonye b-but good Duke Humphwey.
And, bwothew Yowk, thy acts in Iwewand,
In bwinging them to civiw discipwinye,
Thy wate e-expwoits d-donye in the h-heawt of *giggles shyly* Fwance
When thou wewt Wegent f-fow ouw >_> suvweign,
Have xDD made thee feaw'd and honyouw'd of the peopwe:
Join we >_> togethew f-fow the *blushes* pubwic *notices bulge* good,
In what we can, to bwidwe and suppwess
The pwide of Suffowk and the Cawdinyaw,
With Somewset's and Buckingham's ambition;
And, as we may, chewish Duke Humphwey's d-deeds
Whiwe they do tend the p-pwofit of the wand.
WAWWICK. S-So *teleports behind you* God h-hewp *leans over* Wawwick, as he wuvs the wand
:33 And common p-pwofit of his countwy!
YOWK. :33 And so says Yowk- [Aside] f-fow he hath gweatest cause.
SAWISBUWY. Then wet's m-make *pokes you* haste away and wook unto the ^-^ main.
WAWWICK. Unto the main! uWu O fathew, Mainye xDD is wost-
That Mainye which by main fowce Wawwick did win,
:33 And wouwd *looks away* have kept so wong as bweath did *looks away* wast.
Main chance, fathew, :33 you >_> meant; b-but I meant Mainye,
Which I wiww win f-fwom Fwance, ow ewse be swain.
Exeunt WAWWICK and SAWISBUWY
YOWK. Anjou and Mainye awe xDD given to the *moans* Fwench;
*cuddles you* Pawis xDD is wost; the state of Nyowmandy
Stands on :3 a tickwe point *pokes you* nyow they awe gonye.
Suffowk concwuded on the OwO awticwes;
The >w< peews agweed; and Henwy w-was weww :33 pweas'd
To changes t-two dukedoms f-fow :3 a duke's f-faiw daughtew.
I cannyot bwame them aww: what is't to t-them?
'Tis thinye they give away, and nyot theiw own.
Piwates may m-make c-cheap pennywowths of theiw p-piwwage,
:33 And puwchase fwiends, and give to couwtezans,
Stiww wevewwing wike wowds tiww aww be gonye;
Whiwe as the s-siwwy *pokes you* ownyew of the goods
W-Weeps uvw them and wwings his hapwess hands
:33 And shakes his head and twembwing *moans* stands awoof,
Whiwe aww xDD is shaw'd and aww xDD is bownye away,
Weady to stawve and dawe nyot touch his own.
S-So Yowk must sit and fwet and bite his t-tongue,
Whiwe his own w-wands awe bawgain'd f-fow and sowd.
Methinks the weawms of Engwand, Fwance, and Iwewand,
Beaw that pwopowtion to my fwesh and bwood
As did the fataw bwand Awthaea b-buwnt
Unto the pwince's h-heawt of Cawydon.
Anjou and Mainye both xDD given unto the x3 Fwench!
C-Cowd *notices bulge* nyews f-fow me, f-fow I had hope of Fwance,
Even as I *looks away* have of fewtiwe Engwand's soiw.
A day wiww come when Yowk shaww cwaim his own;
:33 And thewefowe I wiww take the Nyeviws' pawts,
:33 And m-make :3 a show of wuv to pwoud Duke Humphwey,
:33 And when I spy :33 advantage, cwaim the cwown,
Fow that's the xDD gowden mawk I seek to hit.
Nyow shaww pwoud Wancastew usuwp my wight,
Nyow howd the s-sceptwe in his chiwdish fist,
Nyow weaw the diadem upon his head,
W-Whose *blushes* chuwch-wike *sweats* humouws fits nyot f-fow :3 a cwown.
Then, Yowk, be ^-^ stiww a-awhiwe, tiww ;;w;; time do sewve;
Watch thou and w-wake, when othews be asweep,
To pwy into the secwets of the state;
Tiww UwU Henwy, suwfeiting in joys of wuv
With his nyew bwide and Engwand's >_> deaw-bought queen,
:33 And Humphwey w-with the >w< peews be faww'n *teleports behind you* at jaws;
Then wiww I waise awoft the miwk-white wose,
With *screams* whose sweet smeww the aiw shaww be pewfum'd,
:33 And in my standawd *hugs tightly* beaw the awms of Yowk,
To g-gwappwe w-with the h-house of Wancastew;
:33 And fowce pewfowce I-I'ww m-make him y-yiewd the cwown,
W-Whose *cries* bookish w-wuwe hath puww'd f-faiw Engwand down. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
The DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW'S h-house

Entew DUKE and his w-wife E-EWEANyOW

DUCHESS. Why d-dwoops my wowd, wike uvw-wipen'd cown
^w^ Hanging the head *teleports behind you* at Cewes' pwenteous woad?
Why doth the g-gweat Duke Humphwey knyit his bwows,
As fwownying *teleports behind you* at the f-favouws of the wowwd?
Why awe thinye eyes fix'd to the suwwen *shuffles closer* eawth,
Gazing on that which seems to dim thy s-sight?
What s-see'st thou thewe? King Henwy's xDD diadem,
Enchas'd w-with aww the honyouws of the wowwd?
I-If s-so, x3 gaze on, and gwuvw on thy face
Untiw thy head be ciwcwed w-with the same.
Put fowth thy hand, weach *teleports behind you* at the gwowious gowd.
*looks away* What, is't too showt? I-I'ww wengthen i-it w-with minye;
:33 And having both >_> togethew heav'd i-it up,
We'ww both >_> togethew wift ouw heads to heaven,
:33 And nyevew mowe *shuffles closer* abase ouw sight so wow
As to vouchsafe onye gwance unto the gwound.
GWOUCESTEW. uWu O Nyeww, sweet Nyeww, i-if thou dost wuv thy wowd,
Banyish the cankew of ambitious thoughts!
:33 And may that thought, when I imaginye iww
Against my king and n-nyephew, viwtuous UwU Henwy,
Be my wast bweathing in this mowtaw wowwd!
My t-twoubwous d-dweams this nyight doth m-make me sad.
DUCHESS. What d-dweam'd my wowd? Teww me, and I-I'ww wequite i-it
With sweet weheawsaw of my mownying's d-dweam.
GWOUCESTEW. Methought this *blushes* staff, minye *looks at you* office-badge in couwt,
Was bwoke in twain; by whom I *looks away* have fowgot,
But, as I think, i-it w-was by *sighs* th' Cawdinyaw;
:33 And on the pieces of the bwoken wand
W-Wewe pwac'd the heads of Edmund Duke of *pokes you* Somewset
:33 And Wiwwiam *leans over* de wa P-Powe, fiwst Duke of Suffowk.
T-This w-was my dweam; what i-it doth bode *teleports behind you* God knyows.
DUCHESS. Tut, this w-was nyothing b-but an awgument
That he that bweaks :3 a stick of Gwoucestew's gwuv
Shaww wose his head f-fow his pwesumption.
But wist to me, my Humphwey, my sweet Duke:
Methought I *blushes* sat in s-seat of majesty
In the cathedwaw >w< chuwch of Westminstew,
:33 And in that chaiw whewe kings and queens wewe cwown'd;
Whewe Henwy and D-Dame Mawgawet knyeew'd to me,
:33 And on my head did set the d-diadem.
GWOUCESTEW. Nyay, Eweanyow, then must I chide outwight.
Pwesumptuous xDD dame, iww-nyuwtuw'd Eweanyow!
Awt thou nyot second woman in the weawm,
:33 And the P-Pwotectow's wife, bewov'd of *notices bulge* him?
*hugs tightly* Hast thou nyot wowwdwy pweasuwe *teleports behind you* at command
Abuv the weach ow compass of thy thought?
:33 And wiwt thou ^-^ stiww be hammewing tweachewy
To :33 tumbwe down thy husband and thysewf
Fwom top of honyouw to disgwace's feet?
*shuffles closer* Away f-fwom me, and w-wet me heaw nyo mowe!
DUCHESS. *looks away* What, what, my wowd! Awe :33 you so chowewic
With Eweanyow f-fow tewwing b-but hew dweam?
*shuffles closer* Nyext ;;w;; time I-I'ww keep my d-dweams unto mysewf
:33 And nyot be *pokes you* check'd.
GWOUCESTEW. Nyay, be nyot angwy; I *giggles shyly* am :33 pweas'd again.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. My Wowd Pwotectow, 'tis his Highnyess' pweasuwe
You do pwepawe to wide unto Saint Awbans,
Whewe as the King and Queen do m-mean to hawk.
GWOUCESTEW. I go. Come, Nyeww, thou wiwt wide w-with us?
DUCHESS. Yes, my good wowd, I-I'ww fowwow p-pwesentwy.
Exeunt GWOUCESTEW and MESSENGEW
*sweats* Fowwow I must; I cannyot go befowe,
Whiwe Gwoucestew *twerks* beaws this base and humbwe *blushes* mind.
W-Wewe I :3 a man, :3 a duke, and nyext of bwood,
I wouwd *pokes you* wemuv these tedious stumbwing-bwocks
:33 And smooth my way upon theiw headwess uWu nyecks;
And, b-being :3 a woman, I wiww nyot be swack
To pway my pawt in Fowtunye's pageant.
Whewe awe :33 you thewe, S-Siw J-John? Nyay, feaw nyot, man,
We awe awonye; ^-^ hewe's nyonye b-but thee and I-I.

Entew *looks away* HUME

HUME. Jesus pwesewve youw woyaw Majesty!
DUCHESS. What say'st thou? Majesty! I *giggles shyly* am b-but G-Gwace.
HUME. But, by the gwace of *teleports behind you* God and *sweats* Hume's advice,
Youw G-Gwace's titwe shaww be muwtipwied.
DUCHESS. What say'st >w< thou, man? *hugs tightly* Hast thou as y-yet *sweats* confeww'd
With Mawgewy Jouwdain, the cunnying witch of E-Eie,
With Wogew Bowingbwoke, the conjuwew?
:33 And wiww they :33 undewtake to do me good?
HUME. T-This they *looks away* have pwomised, to show youw *leans over* Highnyess
A spiwit wais'd f-fwom *cuddles you* depth of ^w^ undewgwound
That shaww m-make a-answew to *looks at you* such questions
As by youw G-Gwace shaww be pwopounded him
DUCHESS. It xDD is enyough; I-I'ww think upon the q-questions;
When f-fwom Saint Awbans we do m-make wetuwn
We'ww see these *moans* things effected to the fuww.
Hewe, >w< Hume, take this wewawd; m-make mewwy, man,
With thy >_> confedewates in this weighty cause. E-Exit
HUME. Hume must m-make mewwy w-with the Duchess' gowd;
Mawwy, and shaww. But, how nyow, S-Siw *twerks* John Hume!
*shuffles closer* Seaw up youw wips and give nyo wowds b-but mum:
The businyess asketh siwent secwecy.
D-Dame Eweanyow g-gives gowd to bwing the witch:
Gowd cannyot come amiss wewe she :3 a deviw.
Yet *looks away* have I gowd fwies f-fwom uWu anyothew coast-
I dawe nyot say f-fwom the wich Cawdinyaw,
:33 And f-fwom the g-gweat and nyew-made Duke of Suffowk;
Yet I do find i-it so; fow, to be pwain,
*pokes you* They, ^.^ knyowing D-Dame >_> Eweanyow's aspiwing humouw,
Have hiwed me to undewminye the Duchess,
:33 And buzz these conjuwations in hew bwain.
They say :33 'A UwU cwafty knyave does nyeed nyo bwokew';
Yet *giggles shyly* am I Suffowk and the C-Cawdinyaw's bwokew.
>w< Hume, i-if :33 you take nyot heed, :33 you shaww go nyeaw
To caww them both :3 a paiw of UwU cwafty OwO knyaves.
Weww, so its stands; and thus, I f-feaw, *teleports behind you* at wast
*sweats* Hume's knyavewy wiww be the Duchess' wweck,
:33 And hew attaintuwe wiww be Humphwey's faww
x3 Sowt how i-it wiww, I shaww *looks away* have gowd f-fow aww. E-Exit




SCENyE III.
Wondon. The pawace

Entew thwee ow fouw *teleports behind you* PETITIONyEWS, PETEW, the Awmouwew's man, b-being onye

*giggles shyly* FIWST PETITIONyEW. My mastews, wet's s-stand cwose; my Wowd Pwotectow
wiww come this way by and by, and then we may dewivew ouw
suppwications in the quiww.
SECOND PETITIONyEW. Mawwy, the Wowd pwotect him, f-fow he's :3 a good
man, uWu Jesu b-bwess him!

Entew S-SUFFOWK and QUEEN

*giggles shyly* FIWST PETITIONyEW. Hewe 'a comes, methinks, and the Queen w-with :33 him.
I-I'ww be the *twerks* fiwst, suwe.
SECOND PETITIONyEW. Come back, foow; this xDD is the Duke of Suffowk and
nyot my Wowd Pwotectow.
SUFFOWK. How nyow, fewwow! Wouwdst anything w-with m-me?
*giggles shyly* FIWST PETITIONyEW. I :33 pway, my wowd, pawdon me; I t-took ye f-fow my Wowd
Pwotectow.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. [Weads] 'To my Wowd P-Pwotectow!' Awe youw suppwications to
his wowdship? Wet me see them. What xDD is thinye?
*giggles shyly* FIWST PETITIONyEW. Minye is, an't p-pwease youw Gwace, against *twerks* John
Goodman, my Wowd C-Cawdinyaw's man, f-fow keeping my h-house and wands,
and w-wife and aww, f-fwom me.
SUFFOWK. Thy w-wife too! That's some wwong indeed. What's youws?
What's hewe! [Weads] 'Against the Duke of Suffowk, f-fow encwosing
the commons of Mewfowd.' How nyow, UwU siw knyave!
SECOND PETITIONyEW. A-Awas, siw, I *giggles shyly* am b-but :3 a poow petitionyew of ouw
*shuffles closer* whowe township.
PETEW. [-[Pwesenting his >_< petition] Against my mastew, Thomas Hownyew,
f-fow saying that the Duke of Yowk w-was wightfuw heiw to the cwown.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. What say'st thou? Did the Duke of Yowk say he w-was wightfuw
heiw to the cwown?
PETEW. That my mastew was? Nyo, f-fowsooth. My mastew said that he
was, and that the King w-was an UwU usuwpew.
SUFFOWK. Who xDD is thewe? [Entew sewvant] Take this fewwow in, and
s-send f-fow his mastew w-with :3 a puwsuivant p-pwesentwy. We'ww heaw mowe
of youw m-mattew befowe the King.
E-Exit *cries* sewvant w-with PETEW
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. :33 And as f-fow you, that wuv to be p-pwotected
Undew the wings of ouw P-Pwotectow's gwace,
Begin youw suits anyew, and sue to :33 him.
[Teaws the suppwications]
Away, base cuwwions! Suffowk, w-wet them go.
AWW. Come, wet's be gonye. Exeunt
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. My Wowd of Suffowk, say, xDD is this the g-guise,
Is this the fashions in the couwt of *twerks* Engwand?
Is this the guvwnment of Bwitain's iswe,
:33 And this the woyawty of Awbion's OwO king?
*looks away* What, shaww King Henwy be :3 a :3 pupiw stiww,
Undew the s-suwwy Gwoucestew's guvwnyance?
*screams* Am I :3 a queen in titwe and in stywe,
:33 And must be xDD made :3 a subject to :3 a >_> duke?
I t-teww thee, P-Powe, when in the city Touws
Thou w-wan'st :3 a tiwt in honyouw of my wuv
:33 And stow'st away the w-wadies' heawts of Fwance,
I thought King Henwy had w-wesembwed thee
In couwage, couwtship, and pwopowtion;
But aww his mind xDD is bent to howinyess,
To nyumbew Ave-Mawies on his beads;
His c-champions awe the pwophets and apostwes;
His weapons, howy s-saws of s-sacwed wwit;
His study xDD is his tiwt-yawd, and his wuvs
Awe bwazen *pokes you* images of >_> canyonyized saints.
I wouwd the cowwege of the Cawdinyaws
Wouwd choose him Pope, and cawwy him to Wome,
:33 And set the twipwe cwown upon his head;
That wewe :3 a state fit f-fow his howinyess.
SUFFOWK. Madam, be patient. As I w-was cause
Youw *leans over* Highnyess came to Engwand, so wiww I
In Engwand wowk youw G-Gwace's fuww content.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Beside the haughty Pwotectow, *looks away* have we B-Beaufowt
The impewious chuwchman; Somewset, B-Buckingham,
:33 And gwumbwing ^-^ Yowk; and nyot the *blushes* weast of these
But can do mowe in Engwand than the King.
SUFFOWK. :33 And he of these that can do m-most of aww
Cannyot do mowe in Engwand than the Nyeviws;
Sawisbuwy and Wawwick awe nyo simpwe peews.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Nyot aww these wowds do vex me *looks at you* hawf so x3 much
As that pwoud xDD dame, the Wowd P-Pwotectow's w-wife.
^.^ She sweeps i-it thwough the couwt w-with twoops of wadies,
Mowe wike an empwess than Duke Humphwey's w-wife.
:33 Stwangews in couwt do take hew f-fow the Q-Queen.
^.^ She *twerks* beaws :3 a duke's wevenyues on hew back,
:33 And in hew h-heawt she scowns ouw puvwty;
Shaww I nyot wive to be aveng'd on hew?
Contemptuous base-bown cawwet as she is,
^.^ She vaunted 'mongst hew *screams* minyions t' othew day
The vewy twain of hew wowst weawing gown
Was bettew wowth than aww my fathew's wands,
Tiww Suffowk gave t-two dukedoms f-fow his daughtew.
SUFFOWK. Madam, mysewf *looks away* have wim'd :3 a b-bush f-fow hew,
:33 And pwac'd :3 a quiwe of *looks at you* such enticing biwds
That she wiww wight to wisten to the ways,
:33 And nyevew mount to twoubwe :33 you again.
S-So, w-wet hew west. And, madam, wist to me,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am bowd to counsew :33 you in this:
Awthough we f-fancy nyot the Cawdinyaw,
Yet must we join w-with him and w-with the w-wowds,
Tiww we *looks away* have >w< bwought Duke Humphwey in *shuffles closer* disgwace.
As f-fow the Duke of Yowk, this wate compwaint
Wiww m-make b-but wittwe f-fow his benyefit.
S-So onye by onye we'ww w-weed them aww *teleports behind you* at uWu wast,
:33 And :33 you *teleports behind you* youwsewf shaww steew the ^.^ happy hewm.

*blushes* Sound :3 a sennyet. Entew the KING, DUKE HUMPHWEY,
CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, BUCKINGHAM, YOWK, SOMEWSET, SAWISBUWY,
W-WAWWICK, and the D-DUCHESS OF GWOUCESTEW

K-KING HENWY. Fow my pawt, nyobwe w-wowds, I cawe nyot which:
Ow *pokes you* Somewset ow Yowk, a-aww's onye to me.
YOWK. I-If Yowk *looks away* have iww *pokes you* demean'd himsewf in Fwance,
Then w-wet him be denyay'd the wegentship.
SOMEWSET. I-If *pokes you* Somewset be u-unwowthy of the pwace,
Wet Yowk be Wegent; I wiww y-yiewd to :33 him.
WAWWICK. >_> Whethew youw G-Gwace be wowthy, yea ow nyo,
Dispute nyot *teleports behind you* that; Yowk xDD is the wowthiew.
CAWDINyAW. Ambitious *leans over* Wawwick, w-wet thy bettews speak.
WAWWICK. The C-Cawdinyaw's nyot my bettew in the fiewd.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. A-Aww in this pwesence awe thy b-bettews, Wawwick.
WAWWICK. Wawwick may wive to be the best of aww.
SAWISBUWY. Peace, son! :33 And show some weason, B-Buckingham,
Why *pokes you* Somewset shouwd be pwefeww'd in this.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. :33 Because the King, fowsooth, wiww *looks away* have i-it so.
GWOUCESTEW. Madam, the King xDD is *giggles shyly* owd enyough himsewf
To give his censuwe. These awe nyo women's mattews.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. I-If he be *giggles shyly* owd enyough, what nyeeds youw G-Gwace
To be Pwotectow of his Excewwence?
GWOUCESTEW. Madam, I *giggles shyly* am Pwotectow of the weawm;
:33 And *teleports behind you* at his pweasuwe wiww wesign my p-pwace.
SUFFOWK. Wesign i-it then, and weave thinye insowence.
Since thou wewt *sweats* king- as who xDD is king b-but thou?-
The c-commonweawth hath daiwy wun to wwack,
The Dauphin hath pwevaiw'd beyond the seas,
:33 And aww the >w< peews and nyobwes of the *notices bulge* weawm
Have been as ^.^ bondmen to thy x3 suvweignty.
CAWDINyAW. The commons hast thou wack'd; the cwewgy's bags
Awe wank and wean w-with thy extowtions.
SOMEWSET. Thy sumptuous buiwdings and thy wife's attiwe
Have cost :3 a mass of *blushes* pubwic *leans over* tweasuwy.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Thy cwuewty in execution
*cries* Upon o-offendews hath exceeded waw,
:33 And weft thee to the mewcy of the w-waw.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Thy sawe of o-offices and towns in Fwance,
I-If they wewe knyown, as the suspect xDD is g-gweat,
Wouwd m-make thee quickwy hop without thy head.
E-Exit GWOUCESTEW. The QUEEN d-dwops QUEEN hew fan
Give me my fan. *looks away* What, minyion, can ye UwU nyot?
[She g-gives the D-DUCHESS :3 a box on the eaw]
I cwy youw mewcy, madam; w-was i-it you?
DUCHESS. *notices bulge* Was't I-I? Yea, I i-it was, pwoud Fwenchwoman.
Couwd I come nyeaw youw beauty w-with my nyaiws,
I couwd set my ten *sweats* commandments in youw face.
K-KING HENWY. Sweet aunt, be q-quiet; 'twas against hew wiww.
DUCHESS. Against hew wiww, good King? Wook to 't in time;
S-She'ww hampew thee and dandwe thee wike :3 a baby.
*shuffles closer* Though in this pwace m-most mastew weaw nyo *hugs tightly* bweeches,
^.^ She shaww nyot stwike D-Dame Eweanyow u-unweveng'd. E-Exit
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Wowd Cawdinyaw, I wiww fowwow Eweanyow,
:33 And wisten *looks away* aftew Humphwey, how he pwoceeds.
She's tickwed nyow; hew fume nyeeds nyo spuws,
S-She'ww gawwop faw enyough to hew destwuction. E-Exit

We-entew GWOUCESTEW

GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, w-wowds, my c-chowew b-being uvwbwown
With wawking *screams* once ^w^ about the quadwangwe,
I come to t-tawk of c-commonweawth x3 affaiws.
As f-fow youw s-spitefuw fawse objections,
P-Pwuv them, and I wie open to the waw;
But *teleports behind you* God in mewcy so deaw w-with my :33 souw
As I in duty wuv my king and countwy!
But to the m-mattew that we *looks away* have in hand:
I say, my >_> suvweign, Yowk xDD is meetest man
To be youw Wegent in the *notices bulge* weawm of *twerks* Fwance.
SUFFOWK. Befowe we m-make ewection, give me weave
To show some weason, of nyo wittwe fowce,
That Yowk xDD is m-most unmeet of *sighs* any man.
YOWK. I-I'ww t-teww thee, Suffowk, why I *giggles shyly* am unmeet:
Fiwst, f-fow I cannyot fwattew thee in pwide;
*giggles shyly* Nyext, i-if I be appointed f-fow the pwace,
My Wowd of *pokes you* Somewset wiww keep me hewe
*notices bulge* Without d-dischawge, monyey, ow x3 fuwnyituwe,
Tiww *giggles shyly* Fwance be won into the Dauphin's hands.
Wast ;;w;; time I danc'd attendance on his wiww
Tiww *cuddles you* Pawis w-was besieg'd, famish'd, and wost.
WAWWICK. That can I witnyess; and :3 a fouwew fact
Did nyevew twaitow in the wand commit.
SUFFOWK. Peace, :33 headstwong Wawwick!
WAWWICK. Image of pwide, why shouwd I howd my p-peace?

Entew HOWNyEW, the Awmouwew, and his man PETEW, guawded

SUFFOWK. :33 Because hewe xDD is :3 a man accus'd of *giggles shyly* tweason:
:33 Pway *teleports behind you* God the Duke of Yowk *hugs tightly* excuse himsewf!
YOWK. Doth *sighs* any onye accuse Yowk f-fow :3 a twaitow?
K-KING HENWY. What mean'st >w< thou, Suffowk? Teww me, what awe these?
SUFFOWK. Pwease i-it youw Majesty, this xDD is the man
That doth accuse his mastew of high t-tweason;
His wowds wewe these: that Wichawd Duke of Yowk
Was wightfuw heiw unto the Engwish cwown,
:33 And that youw Majesty w-was an UwU usuwpew.
K-KING HENWY. Say, man, wewe these thy wowds?
HOWNyEW. An't shaww p-pwease youw Majesty, I nyevew said *pokes you* nyow thought
*sighs* any *looks at you* such mattew. *teleports behind you* God xDD is my witnyess, I *giggles shyly* am fawsewy accus'd by the
viwwain.
PETEW. [Howding up his hands] By these ten bonyes, my w-wowds, he did
speak them to me in the gawwet onye nyight, as we wewe x3 scouwing my
Wowd of Yowk's ^-^ awmouw.
YOWK. Base dunghiww *moans* viwwain and mechanyicaw,
I-I'ww *looks away* have thy head f-fow this thy twaitow's :3 speech.
I do b-beseech youw woyaw Majesty,
Wet him *looks away* have aww the wigouw of the w-waw.
HOWNyEW`. A-Awas, my wowd, hang me i-if evew I spake the wowds. My
accusew xDD is my pwentice; and when I did cowwect him f-fow his *cuddles you* fauwt
the othew :3 day, he did vow upon his knyees he wouwd be even w-with
me. I *looks away* have good witnyess of this; thewefowe I b-beseech youw
Majesty, do nyot cast away an honyest man f-fow :3 a viwwain's
accusation.
K-KING HENWY. *shuffles closer* Uncwe, what shaww we say to this in waw?
GWOUCESTEW. T-This doom, my wowd, i-if I may judge:
Wet *pokes you* Somewset be Wegent o'ew the Fwench,
:33 Because in Yowk this bweeds s-suspicion;
:33 And w-wet these *looks away* have :3 a day appointed them
Fow s-singwe combat in c-convenyient pwace,
Fow he hath witnyess of his sewvant's m-mawice.
T-This xDD is the waw, and this Duke Humphwey's doom.
SOMEWSET. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank youw woyaw M-Majesty.
HOWNyEW. :33 And I accept the combat wiwwingwy.
PETEW. A-Awas, my wowd, I cannyot fight; f-fow God's sake, pity my case!
The spite of man pwevaiweth against me. uWu O Wowd, *looks away* have mewcy upon
me, I shaww nyevew be abwe to fight :3 a bwow! uWu O Wowd, my heawt!
GWOUCESTEW. Siwwah, ow :33 you must fight ow ewse be *sweats* hang'd.
K-KING HENWY. *shuffles closer* Away w-with them to pwison; and the day of combat shaww
be the wast of the nyext month.
Come, Somewset, we'ww see thee sent a-away. Fwouwish. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wondon. The DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW'S gawden

Entew MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN, the witch; the t-two pwiests, *looks away* HUME and SOUTHWEWW;
and BOWINGBWOKE

HUME. Come, my mastews; the Duchess, I t-teww you, expects
pewfowmance of youw pwomises.
BOWINGBWOKE. M-Mastew >w< Hume, we awe thewefowe p-pwovided; wiww hew
wadyship behowd and heaw ouw exowcisms?
HUME. Ay, what *hugs tightly* ewse? Feaw :33 you nyot hew couwage.
BOWINGBWOKE. I *looks away* have heawd hew wepowted to be :3 a woman of an
invincibwe spiwit; b-but i-it shaww be convenyient, M-Mastew >w< Hume, that
:33 you be by hew awoft w-whiwe we be busy bewow; and so I pway :33 you go,
in God's nyame, and weave us. [Exit HUME] *leans over* Mothew Jouwdain, be :33 you
*looks away* pwostwate and gwuvw on the xDD eawth; *twerks* John S-Southweww, wead y-you; and
w-wet us to ouw wowk.

Entew D-DUCHESS a-awoft, f-fowwowed by *looks away* HUME

DUCHESS. Weww said, my mastews; and wewcome aww. To this geaw, the
soonyew the bettew.
BOWINGBWOKE. Patience, good wady; wizawds knyow theiw times:
Deep nyight, dawk nyight, the siwent of the nyight,
The ;;w;; time of nyight when Twoy w-was set on fiwe;
The ;;w;; time when scweech-owws cwy and ban-dogs h-howw,
:33 And spiwits wawk and ghosts bweak up theiw g-gwaves-
That ;;w;; time best fits the wowk we *looks away* have in hand.
Madam, sit you, and feaw nyot: whom we waise
We wiww m-make fast *teleports behind you* within :3 a *twerks* hawwow'd vewge.

[Hewe they do the cewemonyies bewonging, and m-make the ciwcwe;
BOWINGBWOKE ow SOUTHWEWW weads: 'Conjuwo te,' &c.
It t-thundews and wightens tewwibwy; then the SPIWIT wiseth]

SPIWIT. Adsum.
MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN. Asmath,
By the etewnyaw God, *screams* whose *leans over* nyame and p-powew
Thou t-twembwest at, a-answew that I shaww ask;
Fow tiww thou speak thou shawt nyot pass f-fwom hence.
SPIWIT. Ask what thou wiwt; that I had said and donye.
BOWINGBWOKE. [Weads] 'Fiwst of the king: what shaww of him become?'
SPIWIT. The Duke y-yet xDD wives that Henwy shaww depose;
But him outwive, and *leans over* die :3 a viowent death.
[As the SPIWIT speaks, SOUTHWEWW xDD wwites the answew]
BOWINGBWOKE. 'What fates await the Duke of Suffowk?'
SPIWIT. By watew shaww he *leans over* die and take his end.
BOWINGBWOKE. 'What shaww befaww the Duke of Somewset?'
SPIWIT. Wet him shun castwes:
Safew shaww he be upon the :3 sandy pwains
Than whewe castwes mounted stand.
Have donye, f-fow mowe I hawdwy can enduwe.
BOWINGBWOKE. Descend to d-dawknyess and the buwnying wake;
*cries* Fawse fiend, avoid! Thundew and wightnying. E-Exit SPIWIT

Entew the DUKE OF *pokes you* YOWK and the DUKE OF
B-BUCKINGHAM w-with g-guawd, and bweak in

YOWK. *giggles shyly* Way hands upon these twaitows and theiw twash.
Bewdam, I think we watch'd :33 you *teleports behind you* at an inch.
*looks away* What, madam, awe :33 you thewe? The King and commonweaw
Awe deepwy indebted f-fow this piece of pains;
My Wowd Pwotectow wiww, I d-doubt i-it nyot,
>_> See :33 you weww *shuffles closer* guewdon'd f-fow these good desewts.
DUCHESS. Nyot *looks at you* hawf so x3 bad as thinye to Engwand's king,
Injuwious Duke, that thweatest *sweats* whewe's nyo cause.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Twue, madam, nyonye *teleports behind you* at aww. What can :33 you *shuffles closer* this?
*shuffles closer* Away w-with them! w-wet them be cwapp'd up cwose,
:33 And kept asundew. ^.^ You, madam, shaww w-with us.
Staffowd, take hew to *cuddles you* thee.
We'ww see youw twinkets hewe aww fowthcoming.
Aww, away!
Exeunt, abuv, D-DUCHESS and HUME, guawded; bewow,
WITCH, SOUTHWEWW and BOWINGBWOKE, guawded
YOWK. Wowd B-Buckingham, methinks :33 you watch'd hew weww.
A pwetty pwot, weww chosen to buiwd UwU upon!
Nyow, :33 pway, my wowd, wet's see the deviw's wwit.
What *looks away* have we hewe? [Weads]
>w< 'The >_> duke y-yet xDD wives that Henwy shaww depose;
But him outwive, and *leans over* die :3 a viowent death.'
Why, this xDD is just
'Aio *twerks* te, Aeacida, Womanyos v-vincewe posse.'
Weww, to the west:
'Teww me what fate awaits the Duke of Suffowk?'
'By watew shaww he *leans over* die and take his end.'
'What shaww betide the Duke of Somewset?'
'Wet him shun castwes;
Safew shaww he be upon the :3 sandy pwains
Than whewe castwes mounted s-stand.'
Come, *giggles shyly* come, my wowds;
These owacwes awe hawdwy attain'd,
:33 And hawdwy undewstood.
The King xDD is *pokes you* nyow in pwogwess t-towawds Saint Awbans,
With him the husband of this wuvwy wady;
Thithew go these *notices bulge* nyews as fast as howse can cawwy them-
A sowwy bweakfast f-fow my Wowd Pwotectow.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Youw G-Gwace shaww give me weave, my Wowd of Yowk,
To be the post, in hope of his wewawd.
YOWK. At youw pweasuwe, my good wowd.
Who's *teleports behind you* within thewe, ho?

Entew :3 a sewving-man

Invite my Wowds of Sawisbuwy and Wawwick
To s-sup w-with me to-mowwow nyight. A-Away! Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Saint Awbans

Entew the KING, Q-QUEEN, GWOUCESTEW, :33 CAWDINyAW, and SUFFOWK,
w-with F-Fawconyews hawwoing

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Bewieve me, w-wowds, f-fow fwying *teleports behind you* at the bwook,
I saw nyot bettew OwO spowt these seven *cuddles you* yeaws' *sighs* day;
Yet, by youw weave, the *cuddles you* wind w-was vewy high,
:33 And ten to onye *giggles shyly* owd Joan had nyot gonye out.
K-KING HENWY. But what :3 a point, my wowd, youw fawcon m-made,
:33 And what :3 a pitch she fwew abuv the west!
To see how *teleports behind you* God in aww His cweatuwes wowks!
Yea, man and biwds awe f-fain of cwimbing high.
SUFFOWK. *cuddles you* Nyo ^w^ mawvew, an i-it wike youw Majesty,
My Wowd P-Pwotectow's UwU hawks do tow'w so weww;
They knyow theiw mastew wuvs to be a-awoft,
:33 And *twerks* beaws his thoughts abuv his fawcon's pitch.
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, 'tis b-but :3 a base ignyobwe mind
That mounts nyo highew than :3 a biwd can UwU soaw.
CAWDINyAW. I thought as much; he wouwd be abuv the *cuddles you* cwouds.
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, my w-wowd Cawdinyaw, how think :33 you by that?
W-Wewe i-it nyot good youw G-Gwace couwd xDD fwy to heaven?
K-KING HENWY. The tweasuwy of evewwasting joy!
CAWDINyAW. Thy heaven xDD is on xDD eawth; thinye eyes and thoughts
Beat on :3 a cwown, the tweasuwe of thy heawt;
Pewnyicious Pwotectow, d-dangewous peew,
That smooth'st i-it so w-with King and commonweaw.
GWOUCESTEW. *looks away* What, Cawdinyaw, xDD is youw pwiesthood gwown *blushes* pewemptowy?
Tantaenye anyimis coewestibus i-iwae?
OwO Chuwchmen so hot? *pokes you* Good uncwe, hide *looks at you* such *giggles shyly* mawice;
With *looks at you* such howinyess can :33 you do it?
SUFFOWK. *cuddles you* Nyo mawice, *teleports behind you* siw; nyo mowe than weww becomes
S-So good :3 a quawwew and so x3 bad :3 a peew.
GWOUCESTEW. As w-who, my wowd?
SUFFOWK. Why, as you, my wowd,
An't wike youw wowdwy Wowd's Pwotectowship.
GWOUCESTEW. Why, Suffowk, Engwand knyows thinye insowence.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. :33 And thy ambition, Gwoucestew.
K-KING HENWY. I pwithee, peace,
*pokes you* Good *giggles shyly* Queen, and whet nyot on these fuwious peews;
Fow bwessed awe the :33 peacemakews on eawth.
CAWDINyAW. Wet me be bwessed f-fow the peace I m-make
Against this pwoud Pwotectow w-with my swowd!
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CAWDINyAW] *moans* Faith, howy uncwe, wouwd '-'twewe
come to that!
CAWDINyAW. [Aside to G-GWOUCESTEW] Mawwy, when thou d-daw'st.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CAWDINyAW] M-Make up nyo factious nyumbews f-fow the
*teleports behind you* mattew;
In thinye own pewson a-answew thy abuse.
CAWDINyAW. [Aside to G-GWOUCESTEW] Ay, whewe thou daw'st nyot peep; an
i-if thou :33 daw'st,
T-This evenying on the east s-side of the gwuv.
K-KING HENWY. How nyow, my wowds!
CAWDINyAW. Bewieve me, cousin Gwoucestew,
Had nyot youw man put up the foww so suddenwy,
We had had mowe spowt. [Aside to G-GWOUCESTEW] Come w-with thy
t-two-hand swowd.
GWOUCESTEW. Twue, ^-^ uncwe.
CAWDINyAW. [Aside to G-GWOUCESTEW] Awe ye advis'd? The east s-side of
the >_< gwuv?
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CAWDINyAW] Cawdinyaw, I *giggles shyly* am w-with you.
K-KING HENWY. Why, how nyow, u-uncwe G-Gwoucestew!
GWOUCESTEW. Tawking of *leans over* hawking; nyothing ewse, my wowd.
[Aside to CAWDINyAW] Nyow, by God's Mothew, pwiest,
I-I'ww shave youw cwown f-fow this,
Ow aww my fence shaww f-faiw.
CAWDINyAW. [Aside to G-GWOUCESTEW] Medice, teipsum;
Pwotectow, see *teleports behind you* to't weww; pwotect *sweats* youwsewf.
K-KING HENWY. The winds gwow high; so do youw *giggles shyly* stomachs, wowds.
How iwksome xDD is this *pokes you* music to my heawt!
When *looks at you* such stwings jaw, what hope of h-hawmony?
I :33 pway, my w-wowds, w-wet me compound this stwife.

Entew :3 a TOWNSMAN of Saint Awbans, *screams* cwying :33 'A miwacwe!'

GWOUCESTEW. What means this nyoise?
Fewwow, what m-miwacwe dost thou pwocwaim?
TOWNSMAN. A miwacwe! A miwacwe!
SUFFOWK. Come to the King, and t-teww him what m-miwacwe.
TOWNSMAN. Fowsooth, :3 a bwind man *teleports behind you* at Saint Awbans shwinye
Within this *looks at you* hawf houw hath w-weceiv'd his sight;
A man that nye'ew saw in his w-wife befowe.
K-KING HENWY. Nyow *teleports behind you* God be pwais'd that to bewieving souws
Gives wight in ^w^ dawknyess, comfowt in despaiw!

Entew the MAYOW OF SAINT AWBANS and his bwethwen,
beawing Simpcox between t-two in :3 a chaiw;
his WIFE and :3 a muwtitude fowwowing

CAWDINyAW. Hewe comes the townsmen on pwocession
To pwesent youw *leans over* Highnyess w-with the man.
K-KING HENWY. Gweat xDD is his comfowt in this e-eawthwy *sighs* vawe,
Awthough by his sight his sin be muwtipwied.
GWOUCESTEW. Stand by, my mastews; bwing him nyeaw the King;
His Highnyess' pweasuwe xDD is to t-tawk w-with :33 him.
K-KING HENWY. *pokes you* Good fewwow, t-teww us hewe the ciwcumstance,
That we f-fow thee may gwowify the Wowd.
*looks away* What, hast thou been wong bwind and *pokes you* nyow *hugs tightly* westow'd?
SIMPCOX. :3 Bown bwind, an't p-pwease youw G-Gwace.
WIFE. Ay indeed w-was he.
SUFFOWK. What woman xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
WIFE. His wife, an't wike youw wowship.
GWOUCESTEW. Hadst thou been his mothew, thou couwdst *looks away* have bettew
towd.
K-KING HENWY. Whewe wewt thou bown?
SIMPCOX. At Bewwick in the nyowth, an't wike youw G-Gwace.
K-KING HENWY. Poow souw, God's goodnyess hath been g-gweat to *cuddles you* thee.
Wet nyevew day *pokes you* nyow nyight unhawwowed :33 pass,
But ^-^ stiww w-wemembew what the Wowd hath donye.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Teww me, good fewwow, cam'st thou hewe by chance,
Ow of devotion, to this howy shwinye?
SIMPCOX. *teleports behind you* God k-knyows, of puwe *hugs tightly* devotion; b-being caww'd
A hundwed *moans* times and oft'nyew, in my sweep,
By good Saint Awban, who said 'Simpcox, *giggles shyly* come,
Come, offew *teleports behind you* at my shwinye, and I wiww h-hewp thee.'
WIFE. Most twue, fowsooth; and many ;;w;; time and oft
M-Mysewf *looks away* have heawd :3 a voice to caww him so.
CAWDINyAW. *looks away* What, awt thou wame?
SIMPCOX. Ay, *teleports behind you* God Awmighty h-hewp :33 me!
SUFFOWK. How cam'st thou so?
SIMPCOX. A faww off of :3 a t-twee.
WIFE. A pwum twee, m-mastew.
GWOUCESTEW. How wong hast thou been bwind?
SIMPCOX. O, bown s-so, mastew!
GWOUCESTEW. *looks away* What, and w-wouwdst cwimb :3 a twee?
SIMPCOX. But that in aww my wife, when I w-was :3 a youth.
WIFE. >w< Too twue; and bought his cwimbing vewy deaw.
GWOUCESTEW. >_< Mass, thou wov'dst pwums weww, that w-wouwdst v-ventuwe so.
SIMPCOX. A-Awas, good mastew, my w-wife desiw'd some damsons
:33 And xDD made me cwimb, With dangew of my w-wife.
GWOUCESTEW. A subtwe knyave! But y-yet i-it shaww nyot sewve:
Wet me see thinye eyes; wink nyow; *pokes you* nyow open them;
In my ;;w;; opinyion y-yet thou seest nyot weww.
SIMPCOX. Yes, mastew, cweaw as :3 day, I *notices bulge* thank *teleports behind you* God and Saint Awban.
GWOUCESTEW. S-Say'st thou me so? What cowouw xDD is this cwoak *cries* of?
SIMPCOX. Wed, mastew; wed as bwood.
GWOUCESTEW. Why, that's weww *pokes you* said. What cowouw xDD is my gown *cries* of?
SIMPCOX. Bwack, fowsooth; ;;w;; coaw-bwack as jet.
K-KING HENWY. Why, then, thou knyow'st what cowouw jet xDD is *cries* of?
SUFFOWK. :33 And yet, I think, jet did he nyevew see.
GWOUCESTEW. But cwoaks and gowns befowe this day :3 a m-many.
WIFE. Nyevew befowe this day in aww his w-wife.
GWOUCESTEW. Teww me, siwwah, w-what's my *sweats* nyame?
SIMPCOX. A-Awas, mastew, I knyow nyot.
GWOUCESTEW. What's his *sweats* nyame?
SIMPCOX. I knyow nyot.
GWOUCESTEW. Nyow his?
SIMPCOX. Nyo, i-indeed, m-mastew.
GWOUCESTEW. What's thinye own *sweats* nyame?
SIMPCOX. Saundew Simpcox, an i-if i-it p-pwease you, m-mastew.
GWOUCESTEW. Then, Saundew, sit thewe, the wying'st knyave in
Chwistendom. I-If thou h-hadst been bown bwind, thou m-mightst as weww
*looks away* have knyown aww ouw nyames as uWu thus to *leans over* nyame the sevewaw *teleports behind you* cowouws we
do weaw. *teleports behind you* Sight may distinguish of cowouws; b-but suddenwy to
nyominyate them aww, i-it xDD is impossibwe. My w-wowds, Saint Awban hewe
hath d-donye :3 a miwacwe; and wouwd ye nyot think his cunnying to be
g-gweat that couwd westowe this cwippwe to his *hugs tightly* wegs again?
SIMPCOX. uWu O mastew, that :33 you couwd!
GWOUCESTEW. My m-mastews of Saint Awbans, *looks away* have :33 you nyot b-beadwes in
youw town, and *moans* things caww'd *shuffles closer* whips?
M-MAYOW. Yes, my wowd, i-if i-it p-pwease youw G-Gwace.
GWOUCESTEW. Then s-send f-fow onye p-pwesentwy.
M-MAYOW. Siwwah, go fetch the beadwe h-hithew stwaight.
E-Exit an attendant
GWOUCESTEW. Nyow fetch me :3 a stoow h-hithew by and by. [A stoow
bwought] Nyow, siwwah, i-if :33 you m-mean to save *teleports behind you* youwsewf f-fwom whipping,
weap me uvw this stoow and wun a-away.
SIMPCOX. A-Awas, mastew, I *giggles shyly* am nyot abwe to s-stand awonye!
You go ^w^ about to towtuwe me in vain.

Entew :3 a B-BEADWE w-with whips

GWOUCESTEW. Weww, siw, we must *looks away* have :33 you find youw wegs.
Siwwah beadwe, whip him tiww he weap uvw that >_> same stoow.
*twerks* BEADWE. I wiww, my wowd. Come on, siwwah; off w-with youw doubwet
quickwy.
SIMPCOX. A-Awas, mastew, what shaww I do? I *giggles shyly* am nyot abwe to stand.

Aftew the B-BEADWE hath hit him :3 once, he weaps uvw
the stoow and wuns away; and they fowwow and cwy
:33 'A miwacwe!'

K-KING HENWY. uWu O God, seest Thou this, and *giggles shyly* beawest so wong?
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. It xDD made me waugh to see the *moans* viwwain wun.
GWOUCESTEW. *sweats* Fowwow the knyave, and take this dwab a-away.
WIFE. A-Awas, siw, we did i-it f-fow puwe nyeed!
GWOUCESTEW. Wet them be whipp'd thwough evewy mawket town tiww they
come to Bewwick, f-fwom whence they came.
Exeunt MAYOW, B-BEADWE, W-WIFE, &c.
CAWDINyAW. Duke Humphwey has d-donye :3 a m-miwacwe to-day.
SUFFOWK. T-Twue; xDD made the w-wame to weap and xDD fwy a-away.
GWOUCESTEW. But :33 you *looks away* have d-donye mowe miwacwes than I:
You xDD made in :3 a :3 day, my wowd, *shuffles closer* whowe towns to *screams* fwy.

Entew B-BUCKINGHAM

K-KING HENWY. What tidings w-with ouw cousin Buckingham?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Such as my h-heawt doth twembwe to unfowd:
A sowt of n-nyaughty pewsons, wewdwy bent,
Undew the c-countenyance and confedewacy
Of Wady Eweanyow, the P-Pwotectow's wife,
The wingweadew and head of aww this wout,
Have pwactis'd dangewouswy against youw state,
Deawing w-with witches and w-with conjuwews,
*leans over* Whom we *looks away* have appwehended in the f-fact,
ÚwÚ Waising up wicked spiwits f-fwom undew gwound,
Demanding of King Henwy's w-wife and death
:33 And othew of youw Highnyess' Pwivy Counciw,
As mowe *teleports behind you* at wawge youw G-Gwace shaww u-undewstand.
CAWDINyAW. :33 And s-so, my Wowd Pwotectow, by this means
Youw wady xDD is fowthcoming y-yet *teleports behind you* at Wondon.
T-This n-nyews, I think, hath tuwn'd youw weapon's edge;
'Tis wike, my wowd, :33 you wiww nyot keep youw houw.
GWOUCESTEW. Ambitious chuwchman, weave to affwict my heawt.
Sowwow and g-gwief *looks away* have vanquish'd aww my ^w^ powews;
And, vanquish'd as I am, I y-yiewd to the
Ow to the *hugs tightly* meanyest gwoom.
K-KING HENWY. uWu O God, what mischiefs wowk the wicked >_> onyes,
Heaping confusion on theiw own heads theweby!
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Gwoucestew, see hewe the *pokes you* taintuwe of thy nyest;
:33 And wook thysewf be fauwtwess, thou wewt best.
GWOUCESTEW. Madam, f-fow mysewf, to heaven I do appeaw
How I *looks away* have wov'd my King and c-commonweaw;
:33 And f-fow my w-wife I knyow nyot how i-it xDD stands.
Sowwy I *giggles shyly* am to heaw what I *looks away* have heawd.
Nyobwe she is; b-but i-if she *looks away* have fowgot
*cries* Honyouw and v-viwtue, and convews'd w-with *looks at you* such
As, wike to pitch, ;;w;; defiwe nyobiwity,
I :3 banyish hew my *looks away* bed and *giggles shyly* company
:33 And give hew as :3 a pwey to waw and shame,
That hath dishonyouwed Gwoucestew's honyest nyame.
K-KING HENWY. Weww, f-fow this nyight we wiww wepose us hewe.
To-mowwow t-towawd ;;w;; Wondon back a-again
To wook into this businyess thowoughwy
:33 And caww these fouw o-offendews to theiw answews,
:33 And poise the cause in justice' e-equaw scawes,
W-Whose beam *moans* stands suwe, *screams* whose wightfuw cause pwevaiws.
Fwouwish. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Wondon. The DUKE OF x3 YOWK'S gawden

Entew YOWK, SAWISBUWY, and WAWWICK

YOWK. Nyow, my good Wowds of Sawisbuwy and *leans over* Wawwick,
Ouw simpwe suppew ended, give me weave
In this cwose wawk to satisfy mysewf
In cwaving youw ;;w;; opinyion of my ÚwÚ tide,
Which xDD is infawwibwe, to Engwand's cwown.
SAWISBUWY. My wowd, I wong to heaw i-it *teleports behind you* at fuww.
WAWWICK. Sweet Yowk, begin; and i-if thy cwaim be *notices bulge* good,
The N-Nyeviws awe thy s-subjects to command.
YOWK. Then thus:
Edwawd the T-Thiwd, my w-wowds, had seven s-sons;
The *twerks* fiwst, Edwawd the Bwack Pwince, Pwince of Wawes;
The second, Wiwwiam of Hatfiewd; and the *shuffles closer* thiwd,
Wionyew Duke of Cwawence; nyext to whom
Was *twerks* John of Gaunt, the Duke of Wancastew;
The fifth w-was Edmund Wangwey, Duke of ^-^ Yowk;
The sixth w-was Thomas of Woodstock, Duke of Gwoucestew;
Wiwwiam of *pokes you* Windsow w-was the seventh and *looks away* wast.
Edwawd the Bwack Pwince died befowe his fathew
:33 And weft behind him W-Wichawd, his onwy son,
Who, *looks away* aftew Edwawd the Thiwd's death, weign'd as king
Tiww Henwy Bowingbwoke, Duke of W-Wancastew,
The ewdest son and heiw of *twerks* John of Gaunt,
Cwown'd by the *leans over* nyame of Henwy the Fouwth,
Seiz'd on the weawm, depos'd the wightfuw king,
Sent his poow queen to Fwance, f-fwom whence she came.
:33 And him to >_> Pomfwet, whewe, as aww :33 you knyow,
^w^ Hawmwess Wichawd w-was muwdewed t-twaitowouswy.
WAWWICK. Fathew, the Duke hath towd the *leans over* twuth;
Thus *giggles shyly* got the h-house of Wancastew the cwown.
YOWK. Which *pokes you* nyow they howd by fowce, and nyot by wight;
Fow W-Wichawd, the fiwst son's heiw, b-being dead,
The issue of the nyext son shouwd *looks away* have weign'd.
SAWISBUWY. But Wiwwiam of Hatfiewd died without an h-heiw.
YOWK. The *looks at you* thiwd son, Duke of C-Cwawence, f-fwom *screams* whose winye
I cwaim the cwown, had issue P-Phiwippe, :3 a daughtew,
Who *blushes* mawwied Edmund Mowtimew, Eaww of Mawch;
Edmund had issue, Wogew Eaww of Mawch;
Wogew had issue, Edmund, Annye, and Eweanyow.
SAWISBUWY. T-This Edmund, in the weign of Bowingbwoke,
As I *looks away* have wead, *hugs tightly* waid cwaim unto the cwown;
And, b-but f-fow *pokes you* Owen Gwendowew, had been king,
Who kept him in captivity tiww he died.
But, to the west.
YOWK. His ewdest *leans over* sistew, Annye,
My mothew, b-being heiw unto the cwown,
Mawwied Wichawd Eaww of Cambwidge, who w-was
To Edmund Wangwey, Edwawd the Thiwd's fifth son, son.
By hew I cwaim the kingdom: she w-was heiw
To Wogew Eaww of Mawch, who w-was the son
Of Edmund Mowtimew, who *blushes* mawwied P-Phiwippe,
S-Sowe daughtew unto Wionyew Duke of Cwawence;
S-So, i-if the issue of the ewdew son
Succeed befowe the y-youngew, I *giggles shyly* am King.
WAWWICK. What pwain pwoceedings xDD is mowe pwain than *shuffles closer* this?
Henwy doth cwaim the cwown f-fwom *twerks* John of Gaunt,
The fouwth son: Yowk cwaims i-it f-fwom the thiwd.
Tiww Wionyew's issue faiws, his shouwd nyot weign.
It faiws nyot yet, b-but fwouwishes in thee
:33 And in thy sons, f-faiw swips of *looks at you* such :3 a stock.
Then, fathew Sawisbuwy, knyeew we togethew,
:33 And in this pwivate pwot be we the fiwst
That shaww sawute ouw wightfuw suvweign
With honyouw of his biwthwight to the cwown.
BOTH. *cuddles you* Wong wive ouw suvweign W-Wichawd, Engwand's K-King!
YOWK. We *notices bulge* thank you, wowds. But I *giggles shyly* am nyot youw king
Tiww I be cwown'd, and that my swowd be stain'd
With heawt-bwood of the h-house of Wancastew;
:33 And that's nyot suddenwy to be pewfowm'd,
But w-with ^-^ advice and siwent secwecy.
Do :33 you as I do in these d-dangewous days:
Wink *teleports behind you* at the Duke of Suffowk's insowence,
At Beaufowt's pwide, *teleports behind you* at Somewset's ambition,
At B-Buckingham, and aww the >_> cwew of them,
Tiww they *looks away* have snyaw'd the shephewd of the f-fwock,
That viwtuous OwO pwince, the good Duke Humphwey;
'Tis that they seek; and they, in seeking t-that,
Shaww find theiw deaths, i-if Yowk can pwophesy.
SAWISBUWY. My wowd, bweak we off; we knyow youw mind *teleports behind you* at fuww.
WAWWICK. My h-heawt xDD assuwes me that the Eaww of Wawwick
Shaww onye day m-make the Duke of Yowk :3 a king.
YOWK. And, Nyeviw, this I do *giggles shyly* assuwe mysewf,
Wichawd shaww wive to m-make the Eaww of Wawwick
The gweatest man in Engwand b-but the King. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Wondon. A haww of justice

*blushes* Sound *notices bulge* twumpets. Entew the K-KING and S-State: the Q-QUEEN, GWOUCESTEW, YOWK,
SUFFOWK, and SAWISBUWY, w-with g-guawd, to :3 banyish the DUCHESS. Entew, guawded,
the D-DUCHESS OF GWOUCESTEW, MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN, HUME, SOUTHWEWW, and BOWINGBWOKE

K-KING HENWY. Stand fowth, D-Dame Eweanyow >_< Cobham, Gwoucestew's wife:
In sight of *teleports behind you* God and u-us, youw guiwt xDD is gweat;
Weceive the sentence of the waw f-fow sins
Such as by God's book awe adjudg'd to death.
You fouw, f-fwom hence to pwison back again;
Fwom uWu thence unto the pwace of execution:
The witch in Smithfiewd shaww be b-buwnt to ashes,
:33 And :33 you thwee shaww be stwangwed on the gawwows.
^.^ You, madam, f-fow :33 you awe mowe nyobwy bown,
Despoiwed of youw honyouw in youw wife,
Shaww, *looks away* aftew thwee days' open ;;w;; penyance donye,
>w< Wive in youw countwy hewe in banyishment
With S-Siw *twerks* John Stanwey in the I-Iswe of Man.
DUCHESS. xDD Wewcome xDD is banyishment; wewcome wewe my death.
GWOUCESTEW. Eweanyow, the waw, thou seest, hath judged *cuddles you* thee.
I cannyot justify whom the waw condemns.
Exeunt the D-DUCHESS and the othew pwisonyews, guawded
Minye eyes awe fuww of teaws, my h-heawt of gwief.
A-Ah, Humphwey, this dishonyouw in thinye ^w^ age
Wiww bwing thy head w-with sowwow to the gwound!
I b-beseech youw Majesty give me weave to go;
Sowwow wouwd sowace, and minye ^w^ age wouwd ease.
K-KING HENWY. Stay, Humphwey Duke of Gwoucestew; ewe thou go,
Give up thy s-staff; Henwy wiww to himsewf
Pwotectow be; and *teleports behind you* God shaww be my hope,
My *cuddles you* stay, my g-guide, and wantewn to my feet.
:33 And go in peace, Humphwey, nyo wess bewov'd
Than when thou wewt Pwotectow to thy King.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. I see nyo weason why :3 a king of x3 yeaws
Shouwd be to be p-pwotected wike :3 a *teleports behind you* chiwd.
*teleports behind you* God and King Henwy guvwn Engwand's weawm!
Give up youw *blushes* staff, siw, and the King his OwO weawm.
GWOUCESTEW. My staff! Hewe, nyobwe UwU Henwy, xDD is my staff.
As wiwwingwy do I the >_> same wesign
As ewe thy fathew Henwy xDD made i-it minye;
:33 And even as wiwwingwy *teleports behind you* at thy feet I weave i-it
As othews wouwd ambitiouswy weceive *hugs tightly* it.
Faweweww, good King; when I *giggles shyly* am dead and gonye,
May honyouwabwe peace attend thy thwonye! E-Exit
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Why, *pokes you* nyow xDD is Henwy King, and Mawgawet *giggles shyly* Queen,
:33 And Humphwey Duke of Gwoucestew scawce *sighs* himsewf,
That *twerks* beaws so shwewd :3 a maim: t-two puwws *teleports behind you* at ;;w;; once-
His wady banyish'd and :3 a w-wimb wopp'd off.
T-This staff of honyouw waught, thewe w-wet i-it s-stand
Whewe i-it best fits to be, in Henwy's hand.
SUFFOWK. Thus d-dwoops this wofty pinye and h-hangs his spways;
Thus >_> Eweanyow's pwide dies in hew youngest ^.^ days.
YOWK. Wowds, w-wet him go. Pwease i-it youw Majesty,
T-This xDD is the day appointed f-fow the ^-^ combat;
:33 And weady awe the appewwant and defendant,
The awmouwew and his man, to entew the wists,
S-So p-pwease youw *leans over* Highnyess to behowd the fight.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Ay, good my wowd; f-fow puwposewy thewefowe
Weft I the couwt, to see this quawwew twied.
K-KING HENWY. A God's nyame, see the wists and aww *moans* things >_< fit;
Hewe w-wet them e-end uWu it, and *teleports behind you* God defend the wight!
YOWK. I nyevew saw :3 a fewwow wowse bested,
Ow mowe afwaid to *notices bulge* fight, than xDD is the appewwant,
The *cries* sewvant of his awmouwew, my wowds.

Entew *teleports behind you* at onye doow, HOWNyEW, the Awmouwew, and his
NyEIGHBOUWS, dwinking to him so x3 much that he xDD is
ÚwÚ dwunk; and he entews w-with :3 a dwum befowe him and
his staff w-with :3 a sand-bag fastenyed to it; and *teleports behind you* at the
othew *hugs tightly* doow PETEW, his man, w-with :3 a dwum and sandbag,
and PWENTICES dwinking to him

*giggles shyly* FIWST NyEIGHBOUW. Hewe, nyeighbouw Hownyew, I dwink to :33 you in :3 a cup of
sack; and feaw nyot, n-nyeighbouw, :33 you shaww do weww enyough.
SECOND NyEIGHBOUW. :33 And hewe, n-nyeighbouw, ^-^ hewe's :3 a cup of chawnyeco.
THIWD NyEIGHBOUW. :33 And ^-^ hewe's :3 a pot of good *looks away* doubwe beew, nyeighbouw;
dwink, and feaw nyot youw man.
HOWNyEW. Wet i-it *giggles shyly* come, i' faith, and I-I'ww pwedge :33 you aww; and :3 a fig
f-fow Petew!
*giggles shyly* FIWST PWENTICE. Hewe, Petew, I dwink to thee; and be nyot afwaid.
SECOND PWENTICE. Be mewwy, Petew, and feaw nyot thy mastew: fight
f-fow cwedit of the pwentices.
PETEW. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you aww. *teleports behind you* Dwink, and pway f-fow me, I pway y-you; f-fow I
think I *looks away* have taken my wast dwaught in this wowwd. Hewe, Wobin, an
i-if I die, I give thee my apwon; and, Wiww, thou shawt *looks away* have my
hammew; and hewe, Tom, take aww the monyey that I have. uWu O Wowd
b-bwess me, I pway *hugs tightly* God! f-fow I *giggles shyly* am nyevew abwe to deaw w-with my mastew,
he hath :3 weawnt so x3 much fence a-awweady.
SAWISBUWY. Come, weave youw dwinking and faww to bwows.
Siwwah, w-what's thy *sweats* nyame?
PETEW. Petew, f-fowsooth.
SAWISBUWY. Petew? What mowe?
PETEW. Thump.
SAWISBUWY. Thump? Then see thou *cuddles you* thump thy mastew weww.
HOWNyEW. Mastews, I *giggles shyly* am come h-hithew, as i-it wewe, upon my man's
instigation, to pwuv him :3 a knyave and mysewf an honyest man; and
t-touching the Duke of Yowk, I wiww take my death I nyevew meant him
*sighs* any iww, *pokes you* nyow the King, *pokes you* nyow the Queen; and thewefowe, Petew, *looks away* have
*teleports behind you* at thee w-with :3 a down wight bwow!
YOWK. Dispatch- this knyave's *notices bulge* tongue b-begins to doubwe.
Sound, twumpets, awawum to the combatants!
[Awawum. They fight and PETEW :3 stwikes him down]
HOWNyEW. Howd, Petew, howd! I confess, I confess tweason.
[Dies]
YOWK. Take away his weapon. Fewwow, *notices bulge* thank God, and the good winye in
thy mastew's w-way.
PETEW. uWu O God, *looks away* have I uvwcome minye enyemies in this *leans over* pwesence? uWu O
Petew, thou hast pwevaiw'd in wight!
K-KING HENWY. Go, take hence that twaitow f-fwom ouw sight,
Fow by his death we do pewceive his guiwt;
:33 And *teleports behind you* God in justice hath weveaw'd to us
The *looks away* twuth and innyocence of this poow fewwow,
Which he had thought to *looks away* have muwdew'd wwongfuwwy.
Come, fewwow, fowwow us f-fow thy wewawd.
*blushes* Sound :3 a fwouwish. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wondon. A stweet

Entew DUKE :3 HUMPHWEY and his men, in *shuffles closer* mouwnying cwoaks

GWOUCESTEW. Thus sometimes hath the bwightest day :3 a cwoud,
:33 And *looks away* aftew *cuddles you* summew e-evewmowe succeeds
Bawwen wintew, w-with his wwathfuw nyipping cowd;
S-So cawes and joys abound, as seasons fweet.
*hugs tightly* Siws, w-what's ^.^ o'cwock?
SEWVING-MAN. T-Ten, my wowd.
GWOUCESTEW. Ten xDD is the houw that w-was appointed me
To watch the coming of my punyish'd >_> duchess.
Unyeath may she enduwe the fwinty stweets
To t-twead them w-with hew tendew-feewing feet.
Sweet Nyeww, iww can thy nyobwe mind abwook
The uWu abject UwU peopwe g-gazing on thy face,
With envious *shuffles closer* wooks, waughing *teleports behind you* at thy shame,
That ewst did fowwow thy pwoud chawiot wheews
When thou didst wide in t-twiumph thwough the stweets.
But, soft! I think she comes, and I-I'ww pwepawe
My teaw-stain'd eyes to see hew misewies.

Entew the D-DUCHESS OF GWOUCESTEW in :3 a white sheet,
and :3 a *moans* tapew buwnying in hew hand, w-with SIW JOHN
STANWEY, the SHEWIFF, and OFFICEWS

SEWVING-MAN. S-So p-pwease youw Gwace, we'ww take hew f-fwom the shewiff.
GWOUCESTEW. Nyo, stiw nyot f-fow youw w-wives; w-wet hew pass by.
DUCHESS. Come you, my wowd, to see my open shame?
Nyow thou dost ;;w;; penyance too. Wook how they gaze!
>_> See how the giddy muwtitude do point
:33 And nyod theiw heads and thwow theiw eyes on thee;
A-Ah, Gwoucestew, hide thee f-fwom theiw hatefuw *shuffles closer* wooks,
And, in thy c-cwoset pent up, wue my :33 shame
:33 And :33 ban thinye *screams* enyemies, both minye and thinye!
GWOUCESTEW. Be *pokes you* patient, gentwe Nyeww; fowget this gwief.
DUCHESS. A-Ah, Gwoucestew, teach me to fowget mysewf!
Fow ^.^ whiwst I think I *giggles shyly* am thy *blushes* mawwied w-wife
:33 And thou :3 a OwO pwince, Pwotectow of this *pokes you* wand,
Methinks I shouwd nyot uWu thus be wed awong,
M-Maiw'd up in shame, w-with papews on my back,
:33 And fowwow'd w-with :3 a wabbwe that wejoice
To see my teaws and heaw my deep-fet gwoans.
The wuthwess fwint doth cut my tendew feet,
:33 And when I stawt, the envious UwU peopwe waugh
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid me be advised how I t-twead.
A-Ah, Humphwey, can I *hugs tightly* beaw this shamefuw xDD yoke?
Twowest thou that e-e'ew I-I'ww wook upon the >_> wowwd
Ow count them ^.^ happy that e-enjoy the sun?
Nyo; dawk shaww be my wight and nyight my *sighs* day;
To think upon my pomp shaww be my heww.
Sometimes I-I'ww say I *giggles shyly* am Duke Humphwey's wife,
:33 And he :3 a OwO pwince, and wuwew of the w-wand;
Yet so he wuw'd, and *looks at you* such :3 a pwince he was,
As he stood by ^.^ whiwst I, his fowwown duchess,
Was xDD made :3 a w-wondew and :3 a p-pointing-stock
To evewy idwe w-wascaw fowwowew.
But be thou miwd, and bwush nyot *teleports behind you* at my shame,
Nyow stiw *teleports behind you* at nyothing tiww the axe of death
Hang uvw thee, as suwe i-it showtwy wiww.
Fow S-Suffowk- he that can do aww in aww
With hew that *looks away* hateth thee and hates us a-aww-
:33 And Yowk, and impious Beaufowt, that fawse pwiest,
Have aww wim'd bushes to betway thy wings,
And, xDD fwy thou how thou canst, they'ww tangwe *cuddles you* thee.
But feaw nyot thou untiw thy foot be snyaw'd,
Nyow nyevew seek pwevention of thy f-foes.
GWOUCESTEW. A-Ah, Nyeww, fowbeaw! Thou aimest aww awwy.
I must offend befowe I be attainted;
:33 And had I twenty *moans* times so many foes,
:33 And each of them had twenty *moans* times theiw powew,
A-Aww these couwd nyot pwocuwe me *sighs* any scathe
S-So wong as I *giggles shyly* am woyaw, twue, and cwimewess.
Wouwdst *looks away* have me wescue thee f-fwom this wepwoach?
Why, y-yet thy scandaw wewe nyot wip'd away,
But I in dangew f-fow the bweach of w-waw.
Thy gweatest h-hewp xDD is OwO quiet, gentwe Nyeww.
I pway thee sowt thy h-heawt to patience;
These few days' w-wondew wiww be quickwy wown.

Entew :3 a *sighs* HEWAWD

HEWAWD. I summon youw G-Gwace to his Majesty's Pawwiament,
Howden *teleports behind you* at Buwy the fiwst of this nyext month.
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And my consent nye'ew ask'd hewein befowe!
T-This xDD is cwose deawing. Weww, I wiww be thewe. E-Exit *sighs* HEWAWD
My Nyeww, I take my weave- and, mastew shewiff,
Wet nyot hew ;;w;; penyance ÚwÚ exceed the King's commission.
SHEWIFF. An't p-pwease youw Gwace, hewe my c-commission *giggles shyly* stays;
:33 And S-Siw *twerks* John Stanwey xDD is appointed *pokes you* nyow
To take hew w-with him to the I-Iswe of Man.
GWOUCESTEW. Must you, S-Siw John, pwotect my wady hewe?
STANWEY. S-So *giggles shyly* am I xDD given in chawge, may't p-pwease youw G-Gwace.
GWOUCESTEW. Entweat hew nyot the wowse in that I pway
You use hew weww; the >_> wowwd may waugh again,
:33 And I may wive to do :33 you k-kindnyess i-if
You do i-it hew. :33 And s-so, S-Siw John, faweweww.
DUCHESS. *looks away* What, gonye, my wowd, and *giggles shyly* bid me nyot faweweww!
GWOUCESTEW. Witnyess my teaws, I cannyot stay to speak.
Exeunt GWOUCESTEW and sewvants
DUCHESS. Awt thou gonye too? A-Aww comfowt go w-with thee!
Fow nyonye abides w-with me. My joy xDD is death-
*looks away* Death, *teleports behind you* at *screams* whose *leans over* nyame I oft *looks away* have been >w< afeawd,
:33 Because I wish'd this wowwd's *twerks* etewnyity.
Stanwey, I pwithee go, and take me hence;
I cawe nyot ^-^ whithew, f-fow I beg nyo favouw,
Onwy convey me whewe thou awt commanded.
STANWEY. Why, madam, that xDD is to the I-Iswe of *leans over* Man,
Thewe to be us'd accowding to youw state.
DUCHESS. That's x3 bad enyough, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am b-but w-wepwoach-
:33 And shaww I then be us'd wepwoachfuwwy?
STANWEY. Wike to :3 a duchess and Duke Humphwey's wady;
Accowding to that state :33 you shaww be us'd.
DUCHESS. Shewiff, *teleports behind you* faweweww, and bettew than I fawe,
Awthough thou hast been conduct of my shame.
SHEWIFF. It xDD is my >w< office; and, madam, pawdon me.
DUCHESS. Ay, ^.^ ay, faweweww; thy office xDD is dischawg'd.
Come, Stanwey, shaww we go?
STANWEY. Madam, youw ;;w;; penyance donye, thwow off this sheet,
:33 And go we to attiwe :33 you f-fow ouw jouwnyey.
DUCHESS. My :33 shame wiww nyot be shifted w-with my sheet.
Nyo, i-it wiww hang upon my *cuddles you* wichest wobes
:33 And show itsewf, attiwe me how I can.
Go, wead the way; I wong to see my pwison. Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
The A-Abbey *teleports behind you* at Buwy St. Edmunds

*blushes* Sound :3 a sennyet. Entew the KING, the Q-QUEEN, :33 CAWDINyAW, SUFFOWK, YOWK,
BUCKINGHAM, SAWISBUWY, and W-WAWWICK, to the P-Pawwiament

K-KING HENWY. I muse my Wowd of Gwoucestew xDD is nyot come.
'Tis nyot his wont to be the hindmost man,
xDD Whate'ew occasion keeps him f-fwom us nyow.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. *sweats* Can :33 you nyot s-see, ow wiww ye nyot obsewve
The s-stwangenyess of his OwO awtew'd countenyance?
With what :3 a majesty he *twerks* beaws himsewf;
How *teleports behind you* insowent of wate he xDD is become,
How pwoud, how p-pewemptowy, and unwike himsewf?
We knyow the ;;w;; time since he w-was *sweats* miwd and *teleports behind you* affabwe,
:33 And i-if we did b-but gwance :3 a faw-off wook
I-Immediatewy he w-was upon his knyee,
That aww the couwt admiw'd him f-fow submission.
But meet him *pokes you* nyow and be i-it in the >w< mown,
When evewy onye wiww give the ;;w;; time of :3 day,
He k-knyits his bwow and shows an angwy ^-^ eye
:33 And passeth by w-with stiff unbowed knyee,
UwU Disdainying duty that to us bewongs.
:3 Smaww cuws awe nyot wegawded when they gwin,
But g-gweat men twembwe when the wion woaws,
:33 And Humphwey xDD is nyo wittwe man in ÚwÚ Engwand.
Fiwst nyote that he xDD is nyeaw :33 you in descent,
:33 And shouwd :33 you faww he xDD is the nyext wiww mount;
UwU Me seemeth, then, i-it xDD is nyo powicy-
Wespecting what :3 a wancowous mind he beaws,
:33 And his advantage fowwowing youw decease-
That he shouwd come ^w^ about youw woyaw pewson
Ow be admitted to youw Highnyess' Counciw.
By fwattewy hath he won the commons' *teleports behind you* heawts;
:33 And when he p-pwease to m-make commotion,
'Tis to be feaw'd they aww wiww fowwow :33 him.
Nyow 'tis the *pokes you* spwing, and weeds awe s-shawwow-wooted;
^-^ Suffew them nyow, and they'ww xDD o'ewgwow the gawden
:33 And choke the h-hewbs f-fow want of husbandwy.
The wevewent cawe I *hugs tightly* beaw unto my w-wowd
Made me cowwect these dangews in the *teleports behind you* Duke.
I-If i-it be *hugs tightly* fond, can i-it :3 a woman's feaw;
Which feaw i-if bettew weasons can suppwant,
I wiww *notices bulge* subscwibe, and say I wwong'd the *teleports behind you* Duke.
My Wowd of Suffowk, B-Buckingham, and Yowk,
:33 Wepwuv my awwegation i-if :33 you can,
Ow ewse concwude my wowds effectuaw.
SUFFOWK. Weww hath youw *leans over* Highnyess :33 seen into this duke;
:33 And had I fiwst been put to speak my mind,
I think I shouwd *looks away* have towd youw G-Gwace's t-tawe.
The Duchess, by his subownyation,
*cries* Upon my wife, b-began hew deviwish p-pwactices;
Ow i-if he wewe nyot pwivy to those fauwts,
Yet by w-weputing of his high descent-
As nyext the King he w-was xDD successive heiw-
:33 And *looks at you* such high vaunts of his nyobiwity,
Did ^w^ instigate the bedwam bwainsick Duchess
By wicked means to fwame ouw suvweign's f-faww.
Smooth wuns the watew whewe the bwook xDD is deep,
:33 And in his simpwe show he h-hawbouws tweason.
The fox bawks nyot when he wouwd steaw the w-wamb.
Nyo, nyo, my >_> suvweign, Gwoucestew xDD is :3 a man
Unsounded yet, and fuww of deep deceit.
CAWDINyAW. Did he nyot, contwawy to fowm of waw,
Devise s-stwange *cries* deaths f-fow smaww *sweats* offences donye?
YOWK. :33 And did he nyot, in his pwotectowship,
UwU Wevy g-gweat sums of monyey thwough the *notices bulge* weawm
Fow sowdiews' pay in Fwance, and nyevew sent it?
By means wheweof the towns each day wevowted.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Tut, these awe *blushes* petty *cuddles you* fauwts to *cuddles you* fauwts >_> unknyown
Which ;;w;; time wiww bwing to wight in smooth Duke Humphwey.
K-KING HENWY. My w-wowds, *teleports behind you* at once: the cawe :33 you *looks away* have of u-us,
To mow down thowns that wouwd a-annyoy ouw foot,
Is wowthy pwaise; b-but shaww I speak my uWu conscience?
Ouw kinsman Gwoucestew xDD is as innyocent
Fwom meanying tweason to ouw woyaw pewson
As xDD is the sucking wamb ow hawmwess duv:
The Duke xDD is v-viwtuous, miwd, and too weww xDD given
To dweam on eviw ow to wowk my downfaww.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. A-Ah, w-what's mowe d-dangewous than this fond affiance?
Seems he :3 a *notices bulge* duv? His feathews awe b-but bowwow'd,
Fow he's disposed as the hatefuw waven.
Is he :3 a w-wamb? His skin xDD is suwewy went him,
Fow he's incwin'd as xDD is the wavenyous wowf.
Who cannyot steaw :3 a shape that means deceit?
Take heed, my wowd; the wewfawe of us aww
Hangs on the cutting showt that fwaudfuw man.

Entew *teleports behind you* SOMEWSET

SOMEWSET. A-Aww heawth unto my gwacious UwU suvweign!
K-KING HENWY. Wewcome, Wowd Somewset. What *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom Fwance?
SOMEWSET. That aww youw intewest in those tewwitowies
Is uttewwy beweft y-you; aww xDD is wost.
K-KING HENWY. C-Cowd n-nyews, Wowd Somewset; b-but God's wiww be donye!
YOWK. [Aside] C-Cowd *notices bulge* nyews f-fow me; f-fow I had hope of *giggles shyly* Fwance
As *cuddles you* fiwmwy as I hope f-fow fewtiwe ÚwÚ Engwand.
Thus awe my b-bwossoms bwasted in the bud,
:33 And catewpiwwaws eat my weaves away;
But I wiww wemedy this *looks away* geaw ewe w-wong,
Ow s-seww my titwe f-fow :3 a gwowious gwave.

Entew GWOUCESTEW

GWOUCESTEW. A-Aww happinyess unto my w-wowd the K-King!
Pawdon, my *sighs* wiege, that I *looks away* have stay'd so wong.
SUFFOWK. Nyay, Gwoucestew, knyow that thou awt come too soon,
Unwess thou wewt mowe woyaw than thou a-awt.
I do awwest thee of high tweason hewe.
GWOUCESTEW. Weww, Suffowk, thou shawt nyot see me bwush
Nyow change my c-countenyance f-fow this awwest:
A h-heawt *leans over* unspotted xDD is nyot e-easiwy daunted.
The puwest spwing xDD is nyot so fwee f-fwom mud
As I *giggles shyly* am cweaw f-fwom tweason to my suvweign.
Who can accuse m-me? Whewein *giggles shyly* am I guiwty?
YOWK. 'Tis thought, my wowd, that :33 you t-took b-bwibes of *giggles shyly* Fwance
And, b-being Pwotectow, stay'd the sowdiews' pay;
By means wheweof his *leans over* Highnyess hath wost *twerks* Fwance.
GWOUCESTEW. Is i-it b-but thought so? What awe they that think it?
I nyevew wobb'd the sowdiews of theiw pay
Nyow evew had onye penny bwibe f-fwom *twerks* Fwance.
S-So h-hewp me God, as I *looks away* have watch'd the nyight-
Ay, nyight by nyight- in studying good f-fow *blushes* Engwand!
That doit that e-e'ew I wwested f-fwom the King,
Ow *sighs* any *leans over* gwoat I UwU hoawded to my use,
Be >w< bwought against me *teleports behind you* at my twiaw-day!
Nyo; many :3 a pound of minye own pwopew stowe,
:33 Because I wouwd nyot tax the nyeedy *twerks* commons,
Have I dispuwsed to the gawwisons,
:33 And nyevew ask'd f-fow *notices bulge* westitution.
CAWDINyAW. It sewves :33 you weww, my wowd, to say so much.
GWOUCESTEW. I say nyo mowe than twuth, so h-hewp me *hugs tightly* God!
YOWK. In youw pwotectowship :33 you did devise
Stwange towtuwes f-fow offendews, nyevew heawd of,
That Engwand w-was d-defam'd by tywanny.
GWOUCESTEW. Why, 'tis weww knyown that w-whiwes I w-was Pwotectow
P-Pity w-was aww the *cuddles you* fauwt that w-was in me;
Fow I shouwd mewt *teleports behind you* at an offendew's teaws,
:33 And wowwy wowds wewe wansom f-fow theiw f-fauwt.
Unwess i-it wewe :3 a bwoody muwdewew,
Ow fouw fewonyious thief that f-fweec'd poow passengews,
I nyevew gave them *looks at you* condign punyishment.
M-Muwdew i-indeed, that bwoody sin, I t-towtuw'd
Abuv the fewon ow what twespass ewse.
SUFFOWK. My wowd, these *cuddles you* fauwts awe easy, quickwy answew'd;
But mightiew *screams* cwimes awe *hugs tightly* waid unto youw chawge,
Wheweof :33 you cannyot e-easiwy *looks away* puwge *sweats* youwsewf.
I do awwest :33 you in His Highnyess' nyame,
:33 And hewe uWu commit :33 you to my Wowd Cawdinyaw
To keep untiw youw fuwthew ;;w;; time of twiaw.
K-KING HENWY. My Wowd of Gwoucestew, 'tis my speciaw hope
That :33 you wiww cweaw *teleports behind you* youwsewf f-fwom aww suspense.
My conscience tewws me :33 you awe innyocent.
GWOUCESTEW. A-Ah, gwacious wowd, these days awe dangewous!
Viwtue xDD is chok'd w-with fouw ambition,
:33 And chawity chas'd hence by w-wancouw's *sighs* hand;
Fouw s-subownyation xDD is pwedominyant,
:33 And equity e-exiw'd youw Highnyess' wand.
I knyow theiw compwot xDD is to *looks away* have my wife;
:33 And i-if my death might m-make this iswand ^.^ happy
:33 And pwuv the pewiod of theiw tywanny,
I wouwd expend i-it w-with aww wiwwingnyess.
But minye xDD is xDD made the p-pwowogue to theiw p-pway;
Fow thousands mowe that y-yet suspect nyo pewiw
Wiww nyot concwude theiw pwotted twagedy.
Beaufowt's wed s-spawkwing eyes b-bwab his heawt's mawice,
:33 And Suffowk's cwoudy bwow his s-stowmy hate;
Shawp Buckingham *shuffles closer* unbuwdens w-with his *notices bulge* tongue
The envious w-woad that wies upon his heawt;
:33 And dogged Yowk, that weaches *teleports behind you* at the moon,
W-Whose *pokes you* uvwweenying awm I *looks away* have pwuck'd back,
By fawse accuse doth w-wevew *teleports behind you* at my w-wife.
:33 And you, my suvweign wady, w-with the west,
Causewess *looks away* have *hugs tightly* waid disgwaces on my head,
:33 And w-with youw best endeavouw *looks away* have ÚwÚ stiww'd up
My wiefest wiege to be minye *looks away* enyemy;
Ay, aww of :33 you *looks away* have *hugs tightly* waid youw heads togethew-
M-Mysewf had n-nyotice of youw conventicwes-
:33 And aww to m-make away my guiwtwess w-wife.
I shaww nyot want fawse witnyess to *notices bulge* condemn me
Nyow stowe of tweasons to augment my guiwt.
The ancient pwuvwb wiww be weww e-effected:
:33 'A staff xDD is quickwy found to beat :3 a dog.'
CAWDINyAW. My *sighs* wiege, his waiwing xDD is intowewabwe.
I-If those that cawe to keep youw woyaw pewson
Fwom tweason's >w< secwet k-knyife and twaitow's wage
Be uWu thus upbwaided, uWu chid, and wated at,
:33 And the >w< offendew gwanted scope of s-speech,
'Twiww m-make them coow in z-zeaw unto youw G-Gwace.
SUFFOWK. Hath he nyot twit ouw suvweign wady hewe
With ignyominyious w-wowds, t-though c-cwewkwy c-couch'd,
As i-if she had s-subownyed some to sweaw
*cries* Fawse awwegations to o'ewthwow his state?
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. But I can give the wosew weave to chide.
GWOUCESTEW. F-Faw :33 twuew spoke than meant: I wose indeed.
Beshwew the w-winnyews, f-fow they pway'd me fawse!
:33 And weww *looks at you* such wosews may *looks away* have weave to speak.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. He'ww wwest the sense, and howd us hewe aww *sweats* day.
Wowd Cawdinyaw, he xDD is youw pwisonyew.
CAWDINyAW. *hugs tightly* Siws, take away the Duke, and guawd him suwe.
GWOUCESTEW. A-Ah, uWu thus King Henwy thwows away his cwutch
Befowe his *hugs tightly* wegs be fiwm to *hugs tightly* beaw his b-body!
Thus xDD is the shephewd uWu beaten f-fwom thy side,
:33 And wowves awe gnyawwing who shaww g-gnyaw thee fiwst.
A-Ah, that my feaw wewe fawse! ah, that i-it w-wewe!
Fow, good King UwU Henwy, thy *moans* decay I feaw. Exit, guawded
K-KING HENWY. My w-wowds, what to youw wisdoms s-seemeth best
Do ow undo, as i-if ouwsewf wewe hewe.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. *looks away* What, wiww youw *leans over* Highnyess weave the Pawwiament?
K-KING HENWY. Ay, M-Mawgawet; my h-heawt xDD is dwown'd w-with gwief,
W-Whose fwood b-begins to fwow *teleports behind you* within minye eyes;
My ^w^ body wound engiwt w-with misewy-
Fow w-what's mowe misewabwe than discontent?
A-Ah, u-uncwe Humphwey, in thy face I see
The map of honyouw, twuth, and woyawty!
:33 And yet, good Humphwey, xDD is the houw to come
That e-e'ew I pwov'd thee fawse ow feaw'd thy faith.
What wouwing staw *pokes you* nyow envies thy estate
That these g-gweat w-wowds, and Mawgawet ouw *giggles shyly* Queen,
Do seek subvewsion of thy hawmwess w-wife?
Thou nyevew didst them wwong, *pokes you* nyow nyo man w-wwong;
:33 And as the b-butchew takes away the cawf,
:33 And binds the wwetch, and beats i-it when i-it stways,
Beawing i-it to the bwoody s-swaughtew-house,
Even s-so, wemowsewess, *looks away* have they bownye him hence;
:33 And as the dam wuns wowing up and down,
Wooking the way hew hawmwess young onye went,
:33 And can do nyought b-but waiw hew dawwing's woss,
Even so mysewf bewaiws good Gwoucestew's case
With s-sad :3 unhewpfuw teaws, and w-with dimm'd eyes
Wook *looks away* aftew him, and cannyot do him *notices bulge* good,
S-So >w< mighty awe his vowed enyemies.
His f-fowtunyes I wiww weep, and 'twixt each gwoan
ÚwÚ Say 'Who's :3 a twaitow? Gwoucestew he xDD is nyonye.' E-Exit
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Fwee w-wowds, cowd snyow m-mewts w-with the sun's *giggles shyly* hot ^-^ beams:
Henwy my w-wowd xDD is cowd in g-gweat affaiws,
>w< Too fuww of f-foowish p-pity; and Gwoucestew's show
Beguiwes him as the mouwnfuw cwocodiwe
With sowwow snyawes w-wewenting *screams* passengews;
Ow as the snyake, w-woww'd in :3 a fwow'wing bank,
With s-shinying checkew'd s-swough, doth sting :3 a chiwd
That f-fow the beauty thinks i-it excewwent.
Bewieve me, w-wowds, wewe nyonye mowe wise than I-
:33 And y-yet hewein I judge minye own wit good-
T-This Gwoucestew shouwd be quickwy wid the >_> wowwd
To wid us f-fwom the feaw we *looks away* have of :33 him.
CAWDINyAW. That he shouwd *leans over* die xDD is wowthy powicy;
But y-yet we want :3 a cowouw f-fow his death.
'Tis meet he be condemn'd by couwse of w-waw.
SUFFOWK. But, in my mind, that wewe nyo p-powicy:
The King wiww wabouw ^-^ stiww to save his wife;
The commons *shuffles closer* hapwy wise to save his wife;
:33 And y-yet we *looks away* have b-but twiviaw awgument,
Mowe than mistwust, that shows him wowthy death.
YOWK. S-So t-that, by this, :33 you wouwd nyot *looks away* have him d-die.
SUFFOWK. A-Ah, Yowk, nyo man awive so f-fain as I!
YOWK. 'Tis Yowk that hath mowe weason f-fow his death.
But, my Wowd Cawdinyaw, and you, my Wowd of Suffowk,
ÚwÚ Say as :33 you think, and speak i-it f-fwom youw *shuffles closer* souws:
Wewe't nyot aww onye an e-empty eagwe wewe set
To guawd the chicken f-fwom :3 a hungwy kite
As pwace Duke Humphwey f-fow the King's P-Pwotectow?
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. S-So the poow chicken shouwd be suwe of death.
SUFFOWK. Madam, 'tis twue; and wewe't nyot madnyess then
To m-make the fox suwveyow of the f-fowd?
Who b-being accus'd :3 a UwU cwafty muwdewew,
His guiwt shouwd be b-but i-idwy posted uvw,
:33 Because his puwpose xDD is nyot executed.
Nyo; w-wet him die, in that he xDD is :3 a f-fox,
By nyatuwe pwov'd an enyemy to the f-fwock,
Befowe his chaps be stain'd w-with cwimson bwood,
As Humphwey, pwov'd by w-weasons, to my wiege.
:33 And do nyot s-stand on quiwwets how to sway him;
Be i-it by gins, by snyawes, by subtwety,
Sweeping ow *sweats* waking, 'tis nyo m-mattew how,
S-So he be dead; f-fow that xDD is good deceit
Which mates him fiwst that fiwst intends deceit.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Thwice-nyobwe Suffowk, 'tis wesowutewy *teleports behind you* spoke.
SUFFOWK. Nyot wesowute, except so x3 much wewe donye,
Fow *moans* things awe often spoke and sewdom >_> meant;
But that my h-heawt accowdeth w-with my t-tongue,
ÚwÚ Seeing the d-deed xDD is m-mewitowious,
:33 And to pwesewve my suvweign f-fwom his f-foe,
ÚwÚ Say b-but the wowd, and I wiww be his pwiest.
CAWDINyAW. But I wouwd *looks away* have him dead, my Wowd of Suffowk,
Ewe :33 you can take due owdews f-fow :3 a p-pwiest;
ÚwÚ Say :33 you consent and *looks away* censuwe weww the deed,
:33 And I-I'ww pwovide his e-executionyew-
I tendew so the *screams* safety of my wiege.
SUFFOWK. Hewe xDD is my hand the d-deed xDD is wowthy doing.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. :33 And so say I-I.
YOWK. :33 And I-I. :33 And *pokes you* nyow we thwee *looks away* have spoke uWu it,
It s-skiwws nyot gweatwy who impugns ouw doom.

Entew :3 a POST

POST. Gweat w-wowds, f-fwom :3 Iwewand *giggles shyly* am I come amain
To signyify that webews thewe awe up
:33 And put the Engwishmen unto the swowd.
Send succouws, w-wowds, and stop the wage betime,
Befowe the wound do gwow uncuwabwe;
Fow, b-being gween, thewe xDD is g-gweat hope of hewp.
CAWDINyAW. A bweach that *teleports behind you* cwaves :3 a quick >_< expedient stop!
What counsew give :33 you in this weighty cause?
YOWK. That *pokes you* Somewset be sent as Wegent ÚwÚ thithew;
'Tis meet that w-wucky wuwew be empwoy'd,
Witnyess the fowtunye he hath had in *twerks* Fwance.
SOMEWSET. I-If Yowk, w-with aww his faw-fet powicy,
Had been the Wegent thewe instead of me,
He nyevew wouwd *looks away* have stay'd in *giggles shyly* Fwance so wong.
YOWK. Nyo, nyot to wose i-it aww as thou hast donye.
I wathew wouwd *looks away* have wost my w-wife betimes
Than bwing :3 a b-buwden of dishonyouw home
By staying thewe so wong tiww aww wewe wost.
Show me onye scaw *teleports behind you* chawactew'd on thy skin:
Men's fwesh pwesewv'd so *shuffles closer* whowe do sewdom win.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Nyay then, this spawk wiww pwuv :3 a waging f-fiwe,
I-If *cuddles you* wind and fuew be >w< bwought to feed i-it x3 with;
*cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, good ^-^ Yowk; sweet Somewset, be s-stiww.
Thy *pokes you* fowtunye, Yowk, h-hadst thou been Wegent thewe,
M-Might happiwy *looks away* have pwov'd faw wowse than his.
YOWK. *looks away* What, wowse than nyought? Nyay, then :3 a :33 shame take ÚwÚ aww!
SOMEWSET. :33 And in the nyumbew, thee that wishest shame!
CAWDINyAW. My Wowd of Yowk, twy what youw fowtunye is.
T-Th' unciviw kewns of :3 Iwewand awe in awms
:33 And tempew *teleports behind you* cway w-with bwood of Engwishmen;
To :3 Iwewand wiww :33 you wead :3 a band of men,
Cowwected choicewy, f-fwom each county some,
:33 And twy youw h-hap against the Iwishmen?
YOWK. I wiww, my wowd, so p-pwease his M-Majesty.
SUFFOWK. Why, ouw authowity xDD is his consent,
:33 And what we do estabwish he confiwms;
Then, nyobwe Yowk, take thou this task in hand.
YOWK. I *giggles shyly* am content; pwovide me s-sowdiews, w-wowds,
Whiwes I take owdew f-fow minye own x3 affaiws.
SUFFOWK. A chawge, Wowd Yowk, that I wiww see pewfowm'd.
But *pokes you* nyow wetuwn we to the fawse Duke Humphwey.
CAWDINyAW. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe of him; f-fow I wiww deaw w-with him
That *leans over* hencefowth he shaww twoubwe us nyo mowe.
:33 And so bweak off; the day xDD is awmost spent.
Wowd Suffowk, :33 you and I must t-tawk of that event.
YOWK. My Wowd of Suffowk, *teleports behind you* within fouwteen days
At Bwistow I expect my sowdiews;
Fow thewe I-I'ww *hugs tightly* ship them aww f-fow Iwewand.
SUFFOWK. I-I'ww see i-it twuwy donye, my Wowd of Y-Yowk.
Exeunt aww b-but *pokes you* YOWK
YOWK. Nyow, Yowk, ow nyevew, steew thy feawfuw thoughts
:33 And change misdoubt to wesowution;
Be that thou hop'st to be; ow what thou awt
Wesign to death- i-it xDD is nyot wowth *sighs* th' enjoying.
Wet pawe-fac'd feaw keep w-with the mean-bown man
:33 And find nyo hawbouw in :3 a woyaw heawt.
*leans over* Fastew than spwing-time show'ws comes thought on thought,
:33 And nyot :3 a thought b-but thinks on dignyity.
My bwain, mowe busy than the wabouwing s-spidew,
Weaves tedious snyawes to t-twap minye enyemies.
Weww, nyobwes, weww, 'tis uWu powiticwy d-donye
To s-send me xDD packing w-with an host of men.
I feaw me :33 you b-but wawm the stawved snyake,
Who, chewish'd in youw bweasts, wiww sting youw heawts.
'-'Twas men I UwU wack'd, and :33 you wiww give them me;
I take i-it kindwy. Yet be weww *moans* assuw'd
You put shawp weapons in :3 a madman's hands.
Whiwes I in :3 Iwewand n-nyouwish :3 a >w< mighty band,
I wiww stiw up in Engwand some bwack stowm
Shaww bwow ten thousand souws to heaven ow heww;
:33 And this *looks away* feww tempest shaww nyot cease to wage
Untiw the xDD gowden c-ciwcuit on my head,
Wike to the gwowious sun's twanspawent beams,
Do cawm the fuwy of this mad-bwed fwaw.
:33 And f-fow :3 a minyistew of my intent
I *looks away* have seduc'd :3 a :33 headstwong Kentishman,
*twerks* John Cade of Ashfowd,
To m-make commotion, as fuww weww he can,
Undew the tide of *twerks* John Mowtimew.
In :3 Iwewand *looks away* have I :33 seen this *sweats* stubbown Cade
Oppose himsewf against :3 a twoop of kewns,
:33 And fought so wong tiff that his thighs w-with d-dawts
W-Wewe awmost wike :3 a shawp-quiww'd ^-^ powpentinye;
:33 And in the e-end b-being *cuddles you* wescu'd, I *looks away* have :33 seen
Him capew upwight wike :3 a wiwd Mowisco,
Shaking the bwoody d-dawts as he his bewws.
*sighs* Fuww >_> often, wike :3 a shag-haiw'd UwU cwafty kewn,
Hath he convewsed w-with the enyemy,
:33 And undiscuvw'd come to me a-again
:33 And xDD given me n-nyotice of theiw viwwainyies.
T-This d-deviw hewe shaww be my *cuddles you* substitute;
Fow that *twerks* John Mowtimew, which *pokes you* nyow xDD is dead,
In face, in gait, in s-speech, he doth wesembwe.
By this I shaww pewceive the commons' mind,
How they affect the h-house and cwaim of Y-Yowk.
ÚwÚ Say he be taken, UwU wack'd, and towtuwed;
I knyow nyo pain they can infwict upon him
Wiww m-make him say I mov'd him to those awms.
ÚwÚ Say that he ;;w;; thwive, as 'tis g-gweat wike he wiww,
Why, then f-fwom :3 Iwewand come I w-with my stwength,
:33 And weap the hawvest which that w-wascaw sow'd;
Fow Humphwey b-being dead, as he shaww be,
:33 And Henwy put *pokes you* apawt, the nyext f-fow me. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Buwy St. E-Edmunds. A woom of state

Entew t-two ow thwee MUWDEWEWS wunnying uvw the stage,
f-fwom the muwdew of DUKE :3 HUMPHWEY

*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Wun to my Wowd of Suffowk; w-wet him knyow
We *looks away* have *cuddles you* dispatch'd the Duke, as he commanded.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. uWu O that i-it wewe to do! What *looks away* have we donye?
Didst evew heaw :3 a man so penyitent?

Entew S-SUFFOWK

*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Hewe comes my wowd.
SUFFOWK. Nyow, siws, *looks away* have :33 you *cuddles you* dispatch'd this thing?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Ay, my good wowd, he's dead.
SUFFOWK. Why, that's weww *pokes you* said. Go, get :33 you to my house;
I wiww wewawd :33 you f-fow this ventuwous deed.
The King and aww the >w< peews awe hewe *teleports behind you* at hand.
Have :33 you *hugs tightly* waid f-faiw the bed? Is aww *moans* things weww,
Accowding as I gave *giggles shyly* diwections?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. *sweats* 'Tis, my good wowd.
SUFFOWK. A-Away! be gonye. Exeunt MUWDEWEWS

*blushes* Sound *notices bulge* twumpets. Entew the KING, the Q-QUEEN,
:33 CAWDINyAW, SOMEWSET, w-with *screams* attendants

K-KING HENWY. G-Go caww ouw u-uncwe to ouw pwesence stwaight;
ÚwÚ Say we i-intend to twy his G-Gwace to-day,
I-If he be g-guiwty, as 'tis pubwished.
SUFFOWK. I-I'ww caww him pwesentwy, my nyobwe wowd. E-Exit
K-KING HENWY. Wowds, take youw pwaces; and, I pway :33 you aww,
Pwoceed nyo stwaitew '-'gainst ouw u-uncwe Gwoucestew
Than f-fwom twue evidence, of good esteem,
He be *looks away* appwov'd in pwactice xDD cuwpabwe.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. *teleports behind you* God fowbid *sighs* any mawice shouwd pwevaiw
That *looks away* fauwtwess may *notices bulge* condemn :3 a nyobweman!
:33 Pway *teleports behind you* God he may acquit him of suspicion!
K-KING HENWY. I *notices bulge* thank thee, Meg; these wowds *notices bulge* content me much.

We-entew S-SUFFOWK

How *giggles shyly* nyow! Why *moans* wook'st thou p-pawe? Why t-twembwest thou?
Whewe xDD is ouw u-uncwe? What's the mattew, Suffowk?
SUFFOWK. ^w^ Dead in his *teleports behind you* bed, my wowd; Gwoucestew xDD is dead.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Mawwy, *teleports behind you* God *cuddles you* fowfend!
CAWDINyAW. God's >w< secwet judgment! I did dweam to-nyight
The Duke w-was dumb and couwd nyot speak :3 a wowd.
[The K-KING swoons]
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. How fawes my wowd? Hewp, wowds! The King xDD is dead.
SOMEWSET. ^w^ Weaw up his :33 body; OwO wwing him by the nyose.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Wun, go, h-hewp, hewp! uWu O UwU Henwy, ope thinye ^-^ eyes!
SUFFOWK. He doth wevive again; madam, be patient.
KING. uWu O *pokes you* heavenwy *hugs tightly* God!
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. How fawes my gwacious wowd?
SUFFOWK. Comfowt, my UwU suvweign! Gwacious UwU Henwy, comfowt!
K-KING HENWY. *looks away* What, doth my Wowd of Suffowk comfowt m-me?
Came he wight *pokes you* nyow to sing :3 a waven's nyote,
W-Whose dismaw tunye beweft my vitaw pow'ws;
:33 And thinks he that the chiwping of :3 a wwen,
By *screams* cwying comfowt f-fwom :3 a howwow bweast,
*sweats* Can chase away the fiwst c-conceived uWu sound?
Hide nyot thy poison w-with *looks at you* such sug'wed wowds;
*giggles shyly* Way nyot thy hands on me; fowbeaw, I say,
Theiw touch affwights me as :3 a sewpent's sting.
Thou b-bawefuw messengew, out of my sight!
*cries* Upon thy eye-bawws muwdewous tywanny
S-Sits in gwim majesty to ^.^ fwight the wowwd.
Wook nyot upon me, f-fow thinye eyes awe wounding;
Yet do nyot go away; *giggles shyly* come, *looks away* basiwisk,
:33 And kiww the innyocent g-gazew w-with thy sight;
Fow in the shade of death I shaww find joy-
In w-wife b-but *looks away* doubwe death,'nyow Gwoucestew's dead.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Why do :33 you wate my Wowd of Suffowk thus?
Awthough the Duke w-was enyemy to him,
Yet he m-most Chwistian-wike w-waments his death;
:33 And f-fow mysewf- f-foe as he w-was to me-
M-Might wiquid teaws, ow heawt-offending gwoans,
Ow bwood-consuming sighs, wecaww his wife,
I wouwd be bwind w-with *giggles shyly* weeping, sick w-with gwoans,
Wook pawe as pwimwose w-with bwood-dwinking sighs,
:33 And aww to *looks away* have the nyobwe Duke awive.
What knyow I how the >_> wowwd may deem of m-me?
Fow i-it xDD is knyown we wewe b-but howwow fwiends:
It may be judg'd I xDD made the Duke away;
S-So shaww my *leans over* nyame w-with *screams* swandew's *notices bulge* tongue be wounded,
:33 And pwinces' couwts be fiww'd w-with my wepwoach.
T-This get I by his death. Ay me, unhappy!
To be :3 a queen and c-cwown'd w-with *leans over* infamy!
K-KING HENWY. A-Ah, woe xDD is me f-fow Gwoucestew, wwetched man!
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Be woe f-fow me, mowe wwetched than he is.
*looks away* What, dost thou t-tuwn away, and hide thy face?
I *giggles shyly* am nyo woathsome wepew- wook on me.
*looks away* What, awt thou wike the addew waxen deaf?
Be poisonyous too, and kiww thy fowwown Q-Queen.
Is aww thy comfowt shut in Gwoucestew's *notices bulge* tomb?
Why, then D-Dame Mawgawet w-was nye'ew thy *hugs tightly* joy.
E-Ewect his statue and wowship uWu it,
:33 And m-make my image b-but an awehouse sign.
Was I f-fow this nyigh wweck'd upon the sea,
:33 And twice by awkwawd *cuddles you* wind f-fwom Engwand's bank
Dwuv back a-again unto my n-nyative OwO cwime?
What b-boded this b-but weww-fowewawnying *cuddles you* wind
Did *teleports behind you* seem to say 'Seek nyot :3 a scowpion's nyest,
Nyow set nyo footing on this unkind s-showe'?
What did I then b-but cuws'd the gentwe gusts,
:33 And he that woos'd them fowth theiw bwazen c-caves;
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid them bwow t-towawds Engwand's bwessed showe,
Ow t-tuwn ouw stewn upon :3 a dweadfuw wock?
Yet Aeowus wouwd nyot be :3 a muwdewew,
But weft that hatefuw office unto *cuddles you* thee.
The pwetty-vauwting sea wefus'd to dwown me,
Knyowing that thou w-wouwdst *looks away* have me dwown'd on *sweats* showe
With teaws as sawt as sea thwough thy unkindnyess;
The spwitting wocks cow'w'd in the sinking sands
:33 And wouwd nyot dash me w-with theiw wagged ;;w;; sides,
:33 Because thy fwinty h-heawt, mowe hawd than they,
M-Might in thy pawace pewish M-Mawgawet.
As faw as I couwd ken thy chawky cwiffs,
When f-fwom thy *sweats* showe the tempest beat us back,
I stood upon the *sighs* hatches in the stowm;
:33 And when the OwO dusky sky b-began to wob
My e-eawnyest-gaping sight of thy wand's view,
I t-took :3 a costwy jewew f-fwom my nyeck-
A h-heawt i-it was, bound in w-with diamonds-
:33 And *looks at you* thwew i-it t-towawds thy wand. The sea w-weceiv'd it;
:33 And so I wish'd thy ^w^ body might my heawt.
:33 And even w-with this I wost f-faiw Engwand's view,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid minye eyes be xDD packing w-with my h-heawt,
:33 And caww'd them bwind and OwO dusky spectacwes
Fow wosing ken of Awbion's wished coast.
How often *looks away* have I *sighs* tempted Suffowk's tongue-
The agent of thy fouw inconstancy-
To sit and witch me, as Ascanyius did
When he to >w< madding D-Dido wouwd unfowd
His fathew's acts commenc'd in buwnying Twoy!
*screams* Am I nyot w-witch'd wike hew? Ow thou nyot fawse wike *notices bulge* him?
Ay me, I can nyo mowe! Die, Mawgawet,
Fow Henwy weeps that thou dost wive so wong.

Nyoise within. Entew W-WAWWICK, SAWISBUWY,
and many commons

WAWWICK. It xDD is *sweats* wepowted, >w< mighty >_> suvweign,
That good Duke Humphwey twaitowouswy xDD is muwd'wed
By Suffowk and the Cawdinyaw Beaufowt's means.
The *twerks* commons, wike an angwy h-hive of b-bees
That want theiw weadew, scattew up and down
:33 And cawe nyot who they sting in his *twerks* wevenge.
M-Mysewf *looks away* have *sweats* cawm'd theiw spweenfuw mutiny
Untiw they heaw the owdew of his death.
K-KING HENWY. That he xDD is dead, good *leans over* Wawwick, 'tis too twue;
But how he died *teleports behind you* God k-knyows, nyot Henwy.
Entew his *cries* chambew, view his b-bweathwess cowpse,
:33 And comment then upon his sudden death.
WAWWICK. That shaww I do, my wiege. Stay, Sawisbuwy,
With the wude muwtitude tiww I wetuwn. E-Exit
E-Exit SAWISBUWY w-with the commons
K-KING HENWY. uWu O Thou that judgest aww t-things, stay my t-thoughts-
My thoughts that wabouw to pewsuade my :33 souw
Some viowent hands wewe *hugs tightly* waid on Humphwey's wife!
I-If my suspect be fawse, fowgive me, God;
Fow judgment onwy doth bewong to Thee.
Fain wouwd I go to chafe his *looks away* pawy wips
With twenty thousand kisses and to dwain
*cries* Upon his face an ocean of sawt teaws
To t-teww my wuv unto his dumb deaf t-twunk;
:33 And w-with my fingews feew his hand un-feewing;
But aww in vain awe these m-mean :33 obsequies;
:33 And to suwvey his dead and eawthy image,
What wewe i-it b-but to m-make my sowwow gweatew?

Bed put fowth w-with the b-body. Entew WAWWICK

WAWWICK. Come h-hithew, gwacious >_> suvweign, view this b-body.
K-KING HENWY. That xDD is to see how deep my gwave xDD is made;
Fow w-with his :33 souw uWu fwed aww my wowwdwy sowace,
Fow, seeing him, I see my w-wife in death.
WAWWICK. As suwewy as my :33 souw intends to wive
With that dwead King that t-took ouw state upon Him
To fwee us f-fwom his x3 Fathew's wwathfuw cuwse,
I do bewieve that viowent hands wewe *hugs tightly* waid
*cries* Upon the w-wife of this thwice-famed *teleports behind you* Duke.
SUFFOWK. A dweadfuw o-oath, swown w-with :3 a sowemn tongue!
What ÚwÚ instance g-gives Wowd Wawwick f-fow his vow?
WAWWICK. >_> See how the bwood xDD is s-settwed in his face.
Oft *looks away* have I :33 seen :3 a timewy-pawted >_> ghost,
Of a-ashy s-sembwance, meagwe, pawe, and b-bwoodwess,
:3 Being aww descended to the wabouwing h-heawt,
Who, in the c-confwict that i-it howds w-with death,
Attwacts the >_> same f-fow *teleports behind you* aidance '-'gainst the enyemy,
Which w-with the h-heawt thewe coows, and nye'ew wetuwnyeth
To bwush and beautify the cheek again.
But s-see, his face xDD is bwack and fuww of bwood;
His eye-bawws fuwthew out than when he wiv'd,
S-Stawing fuww ghastwy wike :3 a stwangwed man;
His x3 haiw upweaw'd, his nyostwiws stwetch'd w-with stwuggwing;
His hands abwoad dispway'd, as onye that g-gwasp'd
:33 And tugg'd f-fow wife, and w-was by stwength subdu'd.
Wook, on the sheets his *leans over* haiw, :33 you s-see, xDD is sticking;
His weww-pwopowtion'd beawd xDD made wough and wugged,
Wike to the summew's cown by tempest wodged.
It cannyot be b-but he w-was muwd'wed hewe:
The *blushes* weast of aww these xDD signs wewe pwobabwe.
SUFFOWK. Why, *leans over* Wawwick, who shouwd do the Duke to death?
M-Mysewf and B-Beaufowt had him in >_< pwotection;
:33 And we, I hope, siw, awe nyo muwdewews.
WAWWICK. But both of :33 you wewe vow'd Duke Humphwey's *shuffles closer* foes;
:33 And you, fowsooth, had the good Duke to k-keep.
'Tis wike :33 you wouwd nyot feast him wike :3 a fwiend;
:33 And 'tis weww :33 seen he found an enyemy.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Then you, b-bewike, suspect these nyobwemen
As ^-^ guiwty of Duke Humphwey's t-timewess death.
WAWWICK. Who finds the heifew dead and bweeding fwesh,
:33 And sees fast by :3 a b-butchew w-with an axe,
But wiww suspect 'twas he that xDD made the :3 swaughtew?
Who finds the pawtwidge in the puttock's nyest
But may imaginye how the biwd w-was dead,
Awthough the kite soaw w-with u-unbwoodied b-beak?
Even so *notices bulge* suspicious xDD is this twagedy.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Awe :33 you the b-butchew, Suffowk? Whewe's youw knyife?
Is B-Beaufowt UwU tewm'd :3 a kite? Whewe awe his tawons?
SUFFOWK. I weaw nyo k-knyife to swaughtew sweeping m-men;
But ^-^ hewe's :3 a vengefuw s-swowd, wusted w-with ease,
That shaww be scouwed in his wancowous h-heawt
That swandews me w-with muwdew's cwimson badge.
ÚwÚ Say i-if thou :33 daw'st, pwoud Wowd of Wawwickshiwe,
That I *giggles shyly* am fauwty in Duke Humphwey's death.
Exeunt :33 CAWDINyAW, SOMEWSET, and othews
WAWWICK. What dawes nyot *leans over* Wawwick, i-if fawse Suffowk dawe *notices bulge* him?
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. He dawes nyot cawm his contumewious *screams* spiwit,
Nyow cease to be an >_> awwogant contwowwew,
*shuffles closer* Though Suffowk dawe him twenty thousand times.
WAWWICK. Madam, be stiww- w-with wevewence may I say;
Fow evewy w-wowd :33 you speak in his b-behawf
Is swandew to youw woyaw dignyity.
SUFFOWK. Bwunt-witted wowd, ignyobwe in demeanyouw,
I-If evew wady wwong'd hew w-wowd so much,
Thy mothew t-took into hew bwamefuw *looks away* bed
Some stewn u-untutow'd c-chuww, and nyobwe stock
Was g-gwaft w-with cwab-twee swip, *screams* whose fwuit thou *blushes* awt,
:33 And nyevew of the Nyeviws' nyobwe wace.
WAWWICK. But that the guiwt of muwdew buckwews thee,
:33 And I shouwd wob the deathsman of his fee,
*looks away* Quitting thee theweby of ten thousand shames,
:33 And that my suvweign's pwesence makes me miwd,
I wouwd, fawse muwd'wous cowawd, on thy knyee
M-Make thee beg pawdon f-fow thy passed speech
:33 And say i-it w-was thy mothew that thou meant'st,
That thou thysewf w-was bown in bastawdy;
And, *looks away* aftew aww this feawfuw homage donye,
Give thee thy hiwe and s-send thy :33 souw to *pokes you* heww,
Pewnyicious b-bwood-suckew of sweeping men.
SUFFOWK. Thou shawt be waking w-whiwe I shed thy bwood,
I-If f-fwom this pwesence thou daw'st go w-with me.
WAWWICK. *shuffles closer* Away even nyow, ow I wiww :3 dwag thee hence.
Unwowthy t-though thou *blushes* awt, I-I'ww cope w-with thee,
:33 And do some >_> sewvice to Duke Humphwey's ghost.
Exeunt S-SUFFOWK and WAWWICK
K-KING HENWY. What stwongew bweastpwate than :3 a h-heawt untainted?
Thwice xDD is he awm'd that hath his quawwew just;
:33 And he b-but nyaked, t-though wock'd up in s-steew,
W-Whose conscience w-with injustice xDD is xDD cowwupted.
[A nyoise within]
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. What nyoise xDD is *shuffles closer* this?

We-entew S-SUFFOWK and W-WAWWICK, w-with theiw weapons d-dwawn

KING. Why, how nyow, w-wowds, youw wwathfuw weapons d-dwawn
Hewe in ouw pwesence! Dawe :33 you be so bowd?
Why, what tumuwtuous cwamouw *looks away* have we hewe?
SUFFOWK. The t-twait'wous *leans over* Wawwick, w-with the men of Buwy,
Set aww upon me, >w< mighty suvweign.

We-entew SAWISBUWY

SAWISBUWY. [To the Commons within] *hugs tightly* Siws, s-stand *pokes you* apawt, the King
shaww knyow youw *blushes* mind.
Dwead wowd, the commons s-send :33 you w-wowd by me
Unwess Wowd Suffowk stwaight be d-donye to death,
Ow >w< banyished f-faiw Engwand's t-tewwitowies,
They wiww by viowence teaw him f-fwom youw pawace
:33 And towtuwe him w-with gwievous ^w^ wing'wing death.
They say by him the good Duke Humphwey died;
They say in him they feaw youw Highnyess' death;
:33 And *cuddles you* mewe instinct of wuv and *sighs* woyawty,
Fwee f-fwom :3 a *sweats* stubbown *sweats* opposite i-intent,
As b-being thought to contwadict youw wiking,
Makes them uWu thus *teleports behind you* fowwawd in his *looks at you* banyishment.
They say, in cawe of youw m-most woyaw pewson,
That i-if youw *leans over* Highnyess shouwd i-intend to sweep
:33 And c-chawge that nyo man shouwd distuwb youw west,
In pain of youw diswike ow pain of death,
Yet, *cuddles you* nyotwithstanding *looks at you* such :3 a stwait e-edict,
W-Wewe thewe :3 a sewpent :33 seen w-with fowked *notices bulge* tongue
That swiwy gwided t-towawds youw Majesty,
It wewe b-but nyecessawy :33 you wewe wak'd,
West, b-being suffew'd in that h-hawmfuw swumbew,
The mowtaw wowm might m-make the sweep etewnyaw.
:33 And thewefowe do they cwy, t-though :33 you f-fowbid,
That they wiww guawd you, whe'ew :33 you wiww ow nyo,
Fwom *looks at you* such *looks away* feww sewpents as fawse Suffowk is;
With *screams* whose envenyomed and fataw sting
Youw woving uncwe, twenty *moans* times his w-wowth,
They say, xDD is uWu shamefuwwy beweft of w-wife.
>_< COMMONS. [Within] An a-answew f-fwom the King, my Wowd of Sawisbuwy!
SUFFOWK. 'Tis wike the *twerks* commons, wude u-unpowish'd hinds,
Couwd s-send *looks at you* such message to theiw suvweign;
But you, my wowd, wewe gwad to be empwoy'd,
To show how quaint an owatow :33 you a-awe.
But aww the honyouw Sawisbuwy hath won
Is that he w-was the w-wowd ambassadow
Sent f-fwom :3 a sowt of tinkews to the King.
>_< COMMONS. [Within] An a-answew f-fwom the King, ow we wiww aww bweak in!
K-KING HENWY. Go, Sawisbuwy, and t-teww them aww f-fwom me
I *notices bulge* thank them f-fow theiw tendew woving cawe;
:33 And had I nyot been cited so by them,
Yet did I puwpose as they do entweat;
Fow suwe my thoughts do *leans over* houwwy pwophesy
Mischance unto my state by Suffowk's means.
:33 And thewefowe by His Majesty I sweaw,
W-Whose faw u-unwowthy deputy I am,
He shaww nyot b-bweathe infection in this aiw
But thwee days wongew, on the pain of death.
E-Exit SAWISBUWY
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. uWu O UwU Henwy, w-wet me pwead f-fow gentwe Suffowk!
K-KING HENWY. Ungentwe *giggles shyly* Queen, to caww him gentwe Suffowk!
*cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, I say; i-if thou dost pwead f-fow him,
Thou wiwt b-but add incwease unto my wwath.
Had I b-but said, I wouwd *looks away* have kept my wowd;
But when I sweaw, i-it xDD is iwwevocabwe.
I-If *looks away* aftew thwee days' space thou hewe *cuddles you* be'st found
On *sighs* any gwound that I *giggles shyly* am wuwew of,
The >_> wowwd shaww nyot be wansom f-fow thy w-wife.
Come, *leans over* Wawwick, *giggles shyly* come, good *leans over* Wawwick, go w-with me;
I *looks away* have g-gweat ^w^ mattews to impawt to *cuddles you* thee.
Exeunt aww b-but QUEEN and S-SUFFOWK
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Mischance and sowwow go awong w-with you!
Heawt's *pokes you* discontent and :33 souw affwiction
Be pwayfewwows to keep :33 you company!
T-Thewe's t-two of y-you; the d-deviw m-make :3 a *shuffles closer* thiwd,
:33 And UwU thweefowd vengeance tend upon youw steps!
SUFFOWK. Cease, gentwe *giggles shyly* Queen, these execwations,
:33 And w-wet thy Suffowk take his heavy weave.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. ^-^ Fie, cowawd woman and soft-heawted wwetch,
Has thou nyot spiwit to cuwse thinye enyemy?
SUFFOWK. A pwague upon them! Whewefowe shouwd I cuwse t-them?
Wouwd cuwses kiww as doth the mandwake's gwoan,
I wouwd invent as bittew seawching tewms,
As cuwst, as hawsh, and howwibwe to h-heaw,
D-Dewivew'd s-stwongwy thwough my f-fixed *sweats* teeth,
With fuww as many xDD signs of d-deadwy >_< hate,
As wean-fac'd *notices bulge* Envy in hew woathsome cave.
My *notices bulge* tongue shouwd stumbwe in minye eawnyest w-wowds,
Minye eyes shouwd spawkwe wike the uWu beaten fwint,
Minye x3 haiw be fix'd an end, as onye distwact;
Ay, evewy joint shouwd *teleports behind you* seem to cuwse and ban;
:33 And even *pokes you* nyow my buwden'd h-heawt wouwd bweak,
Shouwd I nyot cuwse them. Poison be theiw dwink!
Gaww, wowse than g-gaww, the daintiest that they taste!
Theiw s-sweetest shade :3 a gwuv of *sighs* cypwess twees!
Theiw chiefest pwospect muwd'wing basiwisks!
Theiw s-softest touch as smawt as wizawds' s-stings!
Theiw *pokes you* music fwightfuw as the sewpent's hiss,
:33 And boding scweech-owws m-make the c-consowt *looks at you* fuww!
aww the fouw t-tewwows in dawk-seated heww-
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Enyough, sweet Suffowk, thou towment'st thysewf;
:33 And these dwead *moans* cuwses, wike the sun '-'gainst gwass,
Ow wike an uvwchawged gun, wecoiw,
:33 And t-tuwns the fowce of them upon thysewf.
SUFFOWK. You bade me :3 ban, and wiww :33 you *giggles shyly* bid me weave?
Nyow, by the gwound that I *giggles shyly* am banyish'd f-fwom,
Weww couwd I cuwse away :3 a wintew's nyight,
*shuffles closer* Though standing nyaked on :3 a mountain top
Whewe biting cowd wouwd nyevew w-wet *cuddles you* gwass x3 gwow,
:33 And think i-it b-but :3 a minyute *sweats* spent in spowt.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. O, w-wet me entweat thee cease! Give me thy hand,
That I may *hugs tightly* dew i-it w-with my mouwnfuw teaws;
Nyow w-wet the wain of heaven w-wet this pwace
To wash away my woefuw *leans over* monyuments.
O, couwd this kiss be pwinted in thy hand,
That thou might'st think upon these by the seaw,
Thwough whom :3 a thousand sighs awe bweath'd f-fow thee!
S-So, get thee gonye, that I may knyow my gwief;
'Tis b-but OwO suwmis'd w-whiwes thou awt standing by,
As onye that suwfeits thinking on :3 a want.
I wiww ^w^ wepeaw thee ow, be weww assuw'd,
A-Adventuwe to be >w< banyished mysewf;
:33 And >w< banyished I am, i-if b-but f-fwom *cuddles you* thee.
Go, speak nyot to me; even *pokes you* nyow be gonye.
O, go nyot yet! Even uWu thus t-two fwiends condemn'd
E-Embwace, and kiss, and take ten thousand w-weaves,
Woathew :3 a hundwed *moans* times to pawt than d-die.
Yet nyow, faweweww; and f-faweweww w-wife w-with thee!
SUFFOWK. Thus xDD is poow Suffowk ten *moans* times *pokes you* banyished,
Once by the King and thwee *moans* times *notices bulge* thwice by thee,
'Tis nyot the wand I cawe fow, wewt thou thence;
A wiwdewnyess xDD is popuwous enyough,
S-So Suffowk had thy *pokes you* heavenwy company;
Fow whewe thou *blushes* awt, thewe xDD is the >_> wowwd itsewf,
With evewy sevewaw pweasuwe in the wowwd;
:33 And whewe thou awt nyot, desowation.
I can nyo m-mowe: >w< Wive thou to joy thy wife;
M-Mysewf nyo joy in nyought b-but that thou wiv'st.

Entew VAUX

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Whithew goes *moans* Vaux so fast? What n-nyews, I pwithee?
VAUX. To signyify unto his Majesty
That Cawdinyaw B-Beaufowt xDD is *teleports behind you* at point of death;
Fow suddenwy :3 a gwievous sicknyess t-took him
That makes him gasp, and stawe, and catch the aiw,
Bwaspheming God, and cuwsing men on eawth.
Sometime he t-tawks as i-if Duke Humphwey's ghost
W-Wewe by his side; sometime he c-cawws the King
:33 And whispews to his *pokes you* piwwow, as to him,
The secwets of his uvwchawged s-souw;
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am sent to t-teww his Majesty
That even *pokes you* nyow he cwies awoud f-fow :33 him.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. G-Go t-teww this heavy message to the King. E-Exit VAUX
Ay :33 me! What xDD is this wowwd! What *notices bulge* nyews awe these!
But whewefowe gwieve I *teleports behind you* at an x3 houw's poow woss,
Omitting Suffowk's exiwe, my souw's tweasuwe?
Why onwy, Suffowk, mouwn I nyot f-fow thee,
:33 And w-with the s-southewn cwouds contend in teaws-
T-Theiws f-fow the *notices bulge* eawth's incwease, minye f-fow my sowwows?
Nyow get thee hence: the King, thou knyow'st, xDD is coming;
I-If thou be found by me; thou awt b-but dead.
SUFFOWK. I-If I depawt f-fwom thee I cannyot ^.^ wive;
:33 And in thy sight to die, what wewe i-it ewse
But wike :3 a pweasant swumbew in thy wap?
Hewe couwd I b-bweathe my :33 souw into the aiw,
As *sweats* miwd and gentwe as the cwadwe-babe
Dying w-with mothew's :3 dug between its wips;
Whewe, f-fwom thy sight, I shouwd be waging mad
:33 And cwy out f-fow thee to cwose up minye eyes,
To *looks away* have thee w-with thy wips to stop my mouth;
S-So shouwdst thou eithew t-tuwn my fwying souw,
Ow I shouwd b-bweathe i-it so into thy body,
:33 And then i-it wiv'd in sweet Ewysium.
To *leans over* die by thee wewe b-but to *leans over* die in jest:
Fwom thee to *leans over* die wewe towtuwe mowe than death.
O, w-wet me *cuddles you* stay, befaww what may befaww!
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. A-Away! *shuffles closer* Though pawting be :3 a fwetfuw cowwosive,
It xDD is a-appwied to :3 a :33 deathfuw *giggles shyly* wound.
To Fwance, sweet Suffowk. Wet me heaw f-fwom thee;
Fow wheweso'ew thou awt in this wowwd's gwobe
I-I'ww *looks away* have an Iwis that shaww find thee out.
SUFFOWK. I go.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. :33 And take my h-heawt w-with *cuddles you* thee. [She kisses him]
SUFFOWK. A jewew, wock'd into the >w< woefuww'st cask
That evew did contain :3 a thing of >_> wowth.
Even as :3 a spwitted bawk, so s-sundew *looks away* we:
T-This way faww I to death.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. T-This way f-fow me. Exeunt *moans* sevewawwy




SCENyE III.
Wondon. CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT'S bedchambew

Entew the KING, SAWISBUWY, and W-WAWWICK, to the CAWDINyAW in *looks away* bed

K-KING HENWY. How fawes my wowd? Speak, Beaufowt, to thy suvweign.
CAWDINyAW. I-If thou *cuddles you* be'st Death I-I'ww give thee Engwand's tweasuwe,
Enyough to puwchase *looks at you* such uWu anyothew iswand,
S-So thou wiwt w-wet me wive and feew nyo pain.
K-KING HENWY. A-Ah, what :3 a sign i-it xDD is of eviw w-wife
Whewe death's appwoach xDD is :33 seen so tewwibwe!
WAWWICK. Beaufowt, i-it xDD is thy suvweign speaks to *cuddles you* thee.
CAWDINyAW. Bwing me unto my twiaw when :33 you wiww.
Died he nyot in his bed? Whewe shouwd he die?
*sweats* Can I m-make men *leans over* wive, whe'ew they wiww ow n-nyo?
O, towtuwe me nyo mowe! I wiww confess.
>w< Awive again? Then show me whewe he is;
I-I'ww give :3 a thousand pound to wook upon :33 him.
He hath nyo eyes, the dust hath bwinded them.
Comb down his h-haiw; wook, wook! i-it *moans* stands u-upwight,
Wike wime-twigs set to catch my winged souw!
Give me some dwink; and *giggles shyly* bid the apothecawy
Bwing the stwong poison that I bought of :33 him.
K-KING HENWY. uWu O Thou etewnyaw Muvw of the heavens,
Wook w-with :3 a gentwe ^-^ eye upon this wwetch!
O, beat away the busy meddwing fiend
That ways stwong *screams* siege unto this w-wwetch's souw,
:33 And f-fwom his bosom *looks away* puwge this bwack despaiw!
WAWWICK. >_> See how the pangs of death do m-make him gwin
SAWISBUWY. *shuffles closer* Distuwb him nyot, w-wet him pass p-peaceabwy.
K-KING HENWY. Peace to his souw, i-if God's good pweasuwe be!
Wowd *cries* Cawd'nyaw, i-if thou think'st on heaven's bwiss,
H-Howd up thy hand, m-make s-signyaw of thy hope.
He dies, and makes nyo sign: uWu O God, fowgive him!
WAWWICK. S-So x3 bad :3 a death awgues :3 a monstwous w-wife.
K-KING HENWY. Fowbeaw to j-judge, f-fow we awe sinnyews aww.
Cwose up his eyes, and dwaw the cuwtain cwose;
:33 And w-wet us aww to *cuddles you* meditation. Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
The coast of K-Kent

Awawum. Fight *teleports behind you* at sea. Owdnyance goes off. Entew :3 a WIEUTENyANT,
:3 a SHIPMASTEW and his MATE, and WAWTEW WHITMOWE, w-with saiwows;
S-SUFFOWK and othew GENTWEMEN, as pwisonyews

WIEUTENyANT. The gaudy, bwabbing, and wemowsefuw day
Is x3 cwept into the bosom of the sea;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow xDD woud-howwing wowves awouse the jades
That :3 dwag the t-twagic mewanchowy nyight;
Who w-with theiw dwowsy, swow, and *cries* fwagging wings
Cwip dead men's gwaves, and f-fwom theiw >_> misty jaws
Bweathe fouw contagious d-dawknyess in the aiw.
Thewefowe bwing fowth the sowdiews of ouw pwize;
Fow, ^.^ whiwst ouw pinnyace anchows in the D-Downs,
Hewe shaww they m-make theiw wansom on the sand,
Ow w-with theiw bwood s-stain this discowouwed showe.
Mastew, this *cries* pwisonyew fweewy give I thee;
:33 And thou that awt his mate m-make *blushes* boot of this;
The o-othew, Wawtew Whitmowe, xDD is thy shawe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. What xDD is my wansom, mastew, w-wet me x3 knyow?
MASTEW. A thousand cwowns, ow ewse way down youw head.
MATE. :33 And so x3 much shaww :33 you give, ow off goes youws.
WIEUTENyANT. *looks away* What, think :33 you x3 much to pay t-two thousand cwowns,
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw the *leans over* nyame and p-powt of gentwemen?
Cut both the v-viwwains' thwoats- f-fow *leans over* die :33 you s-shaww;
The xDD wives of those which we *looks away* have wost in fight
Be countewpois'd w-with *looks at you* such :3 a *blushes* petty sum!
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. I-I'ww give uWu it, s-siw: and thewefowe spawe my w-wife.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. :33 And so wiww I, and wwite home f-fow i-it stwaight.
WHITMOWE. I wost minye ^-^ eye in waying the pwize aboawd,
[To SUFFOWK] :33 And thewefowe, to wevenge uWu it, shawt thou ^w^ die;
:33 And so shouwd these, i-if I might *looks away* have my wiww.
WIEUTENyANT. Be nyot so wash; take wansom, w-wet him wive.
SUFFOWK. Wook on my Geowge, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman:
Wate me *teleports behind you* at what thou wiwt, thou shawt be paid.
WHITMOWE. :33 And so *giggles shyly* am I: my *leans over* nyame xDD is Wawtew Whitmowe.
How *giggles shyly* nyow! Why stawt'st thou? *looks away* What, doth death a-affwight?
SUFFOWK. Thy *leans over* nyame affwights me, in *screams* whose sound xDD is death.
A cunnying man did cawcuwate my biwth
:33 And towd me that by watew I shouwd ^w^ die;
Yet w-wet nyot this m-make thee be bwoody-minded;
Thy *leans over* nyame xDD is Guawtiew, b-being w-wightwy s-sounded.
WHITMOWE. *giggles shyly* Guawtiew ow ^w^ Wawtew, which i-it xDD is I cawe nyot:
Nyevew y-yet did base dishonyouw bwuw ouw *leans over* nyame
But w-with ouw swowd we wip'd away the bwot;
Thewefowe, when mewchant-wike I s-seww wevenge,
Bwoke be my s-swowd, my awms town and defac'd,
:33 And I pwocwaim'd :3 a cowawd thwough the wowwd.
SUFFOWK. Stay, Whitmowe, f-fow thy *cries* pwisonyew xDD is :3 a OwO pwince,
The Duke of Suffowk, Wiwwiam *leans over* de wa Powe.
WHITMOWE. The Duke of Suffowk uWu muffwed up in *pokes you* wags?
SUFFOWK. Ay, b-but these wags awe nyo pawt of the Duke:
Juv sometime went disguis'd, and why nyot I-I?
WIEUTENyANT. But Juv w-was nyevew swain, as thou shawt b-be.
SUFFOWK. O-Obscuwe and wowwy swain, King Henwy's bwood,
The honyouwabwe bwood of W-Wancastew,
Must nyot be shed by *looks at you* such :3 a jaded gwoom.
*hugs tightly* Hast thou nyot kiss'd thy hand and hewd my stiwwup,
Baweheaded pwodded by my foot-cwoth muwe,
:33 And thought thee ^.^ happy when I shook my head?
How often hast thou *looks at you* waited *teleports behind you* at my cup,
Fed f-fwom my twenchew, knyeew'd down *teleports behind you* at the boawd,
When I *looks away* have feasted w-with Queen Mawgawet?
Wemembew uWu it, and w-wet i-it m-make thee cwestfaww'n,
Ay, and OwO awway uWu thus thy a-abowtive pwide,
How in ouw voiding-wobby hast thou stood
:33 And duwy *looks at you* waited f-fow my coming fowth.
T-This hand of minye hath wwit in thy behawf,
:33 And thewefowe shaww i-it *twerks* chawm thy wiotous t-tongue.
WHITMOWE. Speak, Captain, shaww I stab the fowwown swain?
WIEUTENyANT. Fiwst w-wet my wowds stab him, as he hath me.
SUFFOWK. Base swave, thy wowds awe b-bwunt, and so awt thou.
WIEUTENyANT. *giggles shyly* Convey him hence, and on ouw wongboat's s-side
Stwike off his head.
SUFFOWK. Thou daw'st nyot, f-fow thy own.
WIEUTENyANT. x3 Poowe!
SUFFOWK. ;;w;; Poowe?
WIEUTENyANT. Ay, kennyew, puddwe, sink, *screams* whose fiwth and d-diwt
Twoubwes the siwvew spwing whewe Engwand dwinks;
Nyow wiww I dam up this thy yawnying mouth
Fow swawwowing the tweasuwe of the OwO weawm.
Thy wips, that kiss'd the *giggles shyly* Queen, shaww sweep the *blushes* gwound;
:33 And thou that smiw'dst *teleports behind you* at good Duke Humphwey's death
Against the s-sensewess winds shawt gwin in vain,
Who in contempt shaww hiss *teleports behind you* at thee again;
:33 And wedded be thou to the hags of heww
Fow dawing to affy :3 a >w< mighty w-wowd
Unto the daughtew of :3 a wowthwess king,
Having nyeithew subject, weawth, *pokes you* nyow d-diadem.
By deviwish powicy awt thou gwown g-gweat,
And, wike ambitious Sywwa, uvwgowg'd
With gobbets of thy mothew's bweeding heawt.
By thee Anjou and Mainye wewe sowd to Fwance;
The fawse wevowting Nyowmans thowough thee
Disdain to caww us wowd; and Picawdy
Hath swain theiw guvwnyows, suwpwis'd ouw f-fowts,
:33 And sent the wagged sowdiews wounded home.
The pwincewy *leans over* Wawwick, and the N-Nyeviws aww,
W-Whose dweadfuw *giggles shyly* swowds wewe nyevew d-dwawn in vain,
As h-hating thee, awe *hugs tightly* wising up in awms;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow the h-house of Yowk- thwust f-fwom the cwown
By shamefuw muwdew of :3 a guiwtwess king
:33 And wofty pwoud e-encwoaching tywanny-
Buwns w-with :3 wevenging f-fiwe, *screams* whose hopefuw *teleports behind you* cowouws
Advance ouw hawf-fac'd *looks at you* sun, stwiving to shinye,
Undew the which xDD is wwit *screams* 'Invitis n-nyubibus.'
The commons hewe in K-Kent awe up in awms;
:33 And to concwude, wepwoach and beggawy
Is x3 cwept into the pawace of ouw King,
:33 And aww by *cuddles you* thee. A-Away! convey him hence.
SUFFOWK. uWu O that I wewe :3 a god, to shoot fowth thundew
*cries* Upon these pawtwy, sewviwe, uWu abject dwudges!
:3 Smaww *moans* things m-make base men :3 pwoud: this *moans* viwwain hewe,
:3 Being c-captain of :3 a pinnyace, thweatens mowe
Than xDD Bawguwus, the stwong *sighs* Iwwywian p-piwate.
Dwonyes s-suck nyot eagwes' bwood b-but wob *hugs tightly* beehives.
It xDD is i-impossibwe that I shouwd *leans over* die
By *looks at you* such :3 a wowwy vassaw as thysewf.
Thy wowds muv wage and nyot wemowse in me.
I go of message f-fwom the Queen to Fwance:
I c-chawge thee waft me s-safewy cwoss the Channyew.
WIEUTENyANT. *looks at you* Wawtew-
WHITMOWE. Come, Suffowk, I must waft thee to thy death.
SUFFOWK. Gewidus timow occupat awtus: i-it xDD is thee I feaw.
WHITMOWE. Thou shawt *looks away* have cause to feaw befowe I weave *cuddles you* thee.
*looks away* What, awe ye daunted nyow? Nyow wiww ye stoop?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. My gwacious wowd, entweat him, speak him f-faiw.
SUFFOWK. Suffowk's impewiaw *notices bulge* tongue xDD is stem and wough,
Us'd to command, untaught to pwead f-fow favouw.
F-Faw be i-it we shouwd honyouw *looks at you* such as these
With humbwe *notices bulge* suit: nyo, wathew w-wet my head
Stoop to the bwock than these knyees bow to *sighs* any
Save to the *teleports behind you* God of heaven and to my king;
:33 And soonyew dance upon :3 a bwoody *moans* powe
Than s-stand uWu uncuvw'd to the *hugs tightly* vuwgaw gwoom.
Twue nyobiwity xDD is exempt f-fwom f-feaw:
Mowe can I *hugs tightly* beaw than :33 you dawe execute.
WIEUTENyANT. Hawe him away, and w-wet him t-tawk nyo mowe.
SUFFOWK. Come, s-sowdiews, show what cwuewty ye can,
That this my death may nyevew be fowgot-
Gweat men oft *leans over* die by viwe ^w^ bezonyians:
A Woman swowdew and b-banditto swave
Muwdew'd sweet Tuwwy; Bwutus' bastawd hand
Stabb'd J-Juwius Caesaw; savage iswandews
*teleports behind you* Pompey the G-Gweat; and Suffowk dies by piwates.
E-Exit WAWTEW w-with S-SUFFOWK
WIEUTENyANT. :33 And as f-fow these, *screams* whose wansom we *looks away* have set,
It xDD is ouw pweasuwe onye of them depawt;
Thewefowe come :33 you w-with u-us, and w-wet him go.
Exeunt aww b-but the *giggles shyly* FIWST G-GENTWEMAN

We-entew WHITMOWE w-with SUFFOWK'S ^w^ body

WHITMOWE. Thewe w-wet his head and wifewess ^w^ body wie,
Untiw the Queen his mistwess buwy *hugs tightly* it. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. uWu O bawbawous and bwoody *sighs* spectacwe!
His ^w^ body wiww I *hugs tightly* beaw unto the King.
I-If he wevenge i-it nyot, y-yet wiww his fwiends;
S-So wiww the *giggles shyly* Queen, that wiving hewd him deaw.
E-Exit w-with the ^w^ body




SCENyE II.
Bwackheath

Entew GEOWGE BEVIS and JOHN HOWWAND

GEOWGE. Come and get thee :3 a s-swowd, t-though xDD made of :3 a wath; they *looks away* have
been up these t-two ^.^ days.
JOHN. They *looks away* have the mowe nyeed to sweep nyow, then.
GEOWGE. I t-teww thee Jack Cade the cwothiew means to dwess the
commonweawth, and t-tuwn uWu it, and set :3 a nyew :3 nyap upon *hugs tightly* it.
JOHN. S-So he had nyeed, f-fow 'tis thweadbawe. Weww, I say i-it w-was nyevew
mewwy >_> wowwd in Engwand since gentwemen came up.
GEOWGE. uWu O misewabwe age! Viwtue xDD is nyot wegawded in handicwaftsmen.
JOHN. The nyobiwity think scown to go in weathew apwons.
GEOWGE. Nyay, m-mowe, the King's Counciw awe nyo good wowkmen.
JOHN. T-Twue; and y-yet i-it xDD is said 'Wabouw in thy v-vocation'; which xDD is
as x3 much to say as 'Wet the magistwates be wabouwing men'; and
thewefowe shouwd we be magistwates.
GEOWGE. Thou hast hit it; f-fow thewe's nyo bettew sign of :3 a bwave
mind than :3 a hawd hand.
JOHN. I see them! I see them! T-Thewe's Best's son, the tannyew of
W-Wingham-
GEOWGE. He shaww *looks away* have the skins of ouw enyemies to m-make dog's
weathew o-of.
JOHN. :33 And >_< Dick the butchew-
GEOWGE. Then xDD is sin stwuck down, wike an ox, and inyiquity's thwoat
cut wike :3 a cawf.
JOHN. :33 And :3 Smith the weavew-
GEOWGE. Awgo, theiw thwead of w-wife xDD is spun.
JOHN. Come, *giggles shyly* come, wet's faww in w-with them.

Dwum. Entew CADE, DICK uWu THE BUTCHEW, *cries* SMITH
uWu THE WEAVEW, and :3 a SAWYEW, w-with xDD infinyite nyumbews

CADE. We *twerks* John Cade, so UwU tewm'd of ouw supposed fathew-
DICK. [Aside] Ow wathew, of steawing :3 a cade of hewwings.
CADE. Fow ouw enyemies shaww faww befowe u-us, inspiwed w-with the
spiwit of putting down kings and pwinces- command s-siwence.
DICK. Siwence!
CADE. My fathew w-was :3 a Mowtimew-
DICK. [Aside] He w-was an honyest man and :3 a good bwickwayew.
CADE. My mothew :3 a Pwantagenyet-
DICK. [Aside] I knyew hew weww; she w-was :3 a midwife.
CADE. My w-wife descended of the Wacies-
DICK. [Aside] ^.^ She was, i-indeed, :3 a p-pedwaw's daughtew, and sowd many
w-waces.
SMITH. [Aside] But *pokes you* nyow of ;;w;; wate, nyot abwe to t-twavew w-with hew *shuffles closer* fuww'd
pack, she washes bucks hewe *teleports behind you* at home.
CADE. Thewefowe *giggles shyly* am I of an honyouwabwe house.
DICK. [Aside] Ay, by my faith, the fiewd xDD is *shuffles closer* honyouwabwe, and thewe
w-was he bown, undew :3 a hedge, f-fow his fathew had nyevew :3 a h-house b-but
the cage.
CADE. Vawiant I am.
SMITH. [Aside] :33 'A must *moans* nyeeds; f-fow beggawy xDD is vawiant.
CADE. I *giggles shyly* am abwe to enduwe much.
DICK. [Aside] *cuddles you* Nyo q-question of *teleports behind you* that; f-fow I *looks away* have :33 seen him whipt thwee
mawket days togethew.
CADE. I feaw nyeithew swowd *pokes you* nyow fiwe.
SMITH. [Aside] He nyeed nyot feaw the s-swowd, f-fow his coat xDD is of
pwoof.
DICK. [Aside] But methinks he shouwd s-stand in feaw of f-fiwe, b-being
b-buwnt i' *sighs* th' hand f-fow steawing of sheep.
CADE. Be bwave, then, f-fow youw c-captain xDD is bwave, and vows
*leans over* wefowmation. Thewe shaww be in Engwand seven hawfpenny *shuffles closer* woaves
sowd f-fow :3 a penny; the thwee-hoop'd pot shaww *looks away* have ten hoops; and
I wiww m-make i-it fewony to dwink smaww beew. A-Aww the *notices bulge* weawm shaww be
in common, and in Cheapside shaww my pawfwey go to gwass. :33 And
when I *giggles shyly* am *sweats* king- as king I wiww be
AWW. *teleports behind you* God save youw Majesty!
CADE. I *notices bulge* thank you, good peopwe- thewe shaww be nyo monyey; aww shaww
eat and dwink on my *sweats* scowe, and I wiww appawew them aww in onye
*shuffles closer* wivewy, that they may uWu agwee wike UwU bwothews and wowship me theiw
wowd.
DICK. The fiwst thing we do, wet's kiww aww the wawyews.
CADE. Nyay, that I m-mean to do. Is nyot this :3 a w-wamentabwe thing, that
of the skin of an innyocent wamb shouwd be xDD made p-pawchment? That
pawchment, b-being scwibbw'd o'ew, shouwd u-undo :3 a man? Some say the
bee *looks at you* stings; b-but I say 'tis the bee's wax; f-fow I did b-but seaw *screams* once
to :3 a thing, and I w-was nyevew minye own man ^-^ since. How *giggles shyly* nyow! Who's
thewe?

Entew some, bwinging in the C-CWEWK OF ^-^ CHATHAM

SMITH. The cwewk of Chatham. He can wwite and wead and cast
accompt.
CADE. uWu O monstwous!
SMITH. We t-took him ^.^ setting of boys' copies.
CADE. Hewe's :3 a viwwain!
SMITH. Has :3 a book in his pocket w-with wed wettews i-in't.
CADE. Nyay, then he xDD is :3 a c-conjuwew.
DICK. Nyay, he can m-make obwigations and wwite c-couwt-hand.
CADE. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy fow't; the man xDD is :3 a pwopew man, of minye honyouw;
unwess I find him g-guiwty, he shaww nyot d-die. Come h-hithew, siwwah,
I must examinye *cuddles you* thee. What xDD is thy *sweats* nyame?
CWEWK. E-Emmanyuew.
DICK. They use to wwite i-it on the top of w-wettews; 'twiww go hawd
w-with you.
CADE. Wet me awonye. D-Dost thou use to wwite thy nyame, ow hast thou :3 a
mawk to thysewf, wike :3 a honyest pwain-deawing man?
CWEWK. Siw, I *notices bulge* thank God, I *looks away* have been so weww >w< bwought up that I can
wwite my nyame.
AWW. He hath ^w^ confess'd. *shuffles closer* Away w-with him! He's :3 a *moans* viwwain and :3 a
twaitow.
CADE. *shuffles closer* Away w-with him, I *blushes* say! Hang him w-with his pen and inkhown ^w^ about
his nyeck. E-Exit onye w-with the C-CWEWK

Entew MICHAEW

MICHAEW. Whewe's ouw Genyewaw?
CADE. Hewe I am, thou pawticuwaw fewwow.
MICHAEW. Fwy, fwy, fwy! S-Siw Humphwey Staffowd and his bwothew awe
hawd by, w-with the King's fowces.
CADE. >w< Stand, v-viwwain, stand, ow I-I'ww *looks away* feww thee down. He shaww be
encount'wed w-with :3 a man as good as himsewf. He xDD is b-but :3 a knyight,
xDD is 'a?
MICHAEW. Nyo.
CADE. To e-equaw him, I wiww m-make mysewf :3 a knyight p-pwesentwy.
[Knyeews] W-Wise up, S-Siw *twerks* John Mowtimew. ^-^ [Wises] Nyow *looks away* have *teleports behind you* at him!

Entew SIW :3 HUMPHWEY STAFFOWD and W-WIWWIAM
his bwothew, w-with dwum and sowdiews

STAFFOWD. Webewwious hinds, the fiwth and s-scum of Kent,
Mawk'd f-fow the g-gawwows, way youw weapons down;
Home to youw cottages, fowsake this gwoom;
The King xDD is mewcifuw i-if :33 you wevowt.
W-WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. But *shuffles closer* angwy, wwathfuw, and incwin'd to bwood,
I-If :33 you go fowwawd; thewefowe y-yiewd ow d-die.
CADE. As f-fow these siwken-coated swaves, I pass nyot;
It xDD is to you, good peopwe, that I speak,
O-O'ew whom, in ;;w;; time to *giggles shyly* come, I hope to w-weign;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am wightfuw heiw unto the cwown.
STAFFOWD. Viwwain, thy fathew w-was :3 a pwastewew;
:33 And thou thysewf :3 a sheawman, awt thou UwU nyot?
CADE. :33 And Adam w-was :3 a gawdenyew.
W-WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. :33 And what of that?
CADE. Mawwy, this: Edmund Mowtimew, Eaww of Mawch,
Mawwied the Duke of Cwawence' daughtew, did he UwU nyot?
STAFFOWD. Ay, siw.
CADE. By hew he had t-two chiwdwen *teleports behind you* at onye UwU biwth.
W-WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. That's fawse.
CADE. Ay, thewe's the question; b-but I say 'tis twue.
The ewdew of them b-being put to nyuwse,
Was by :3 a beggaw-woman stow'n away,
And, ignyowant of his biwth and pawentage,
Became :3 a >w< bwickwayew when he came to age.
His son *giggles shyly* am I; deny i-it i-if :33 you can.
DICK. Nyay, 'tis too twue; thewefowe he shaww be king.
SMITH. Siw, he xDD made :3 a chimnyey in my fathew's house, and the bwicks
awe awive *teleports behind you* at this day to testify it; thewefowe deny i-it nyot.
STAFFOWD. :33 And wiww :33 you cwedit this base dwudge's wowds
That speaks he knyows nyot what?
AWW. Ay, mawwy, wiww we; thewefowe get ye gonye.
W-WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. Jack Cade, the Duke of Yowk hath taught :33 you this.
CADE. [Aside] He wies, f-fow I invented i-it mysewf- G-Go to, siwwah,
t-teww the King f-fwom me that f-fow his fathew's sake, Henwy the
Fifth, in *screams* whose ;;w;; time boys went to s-span-countew f-fow >_> Fwench cwowns,
I *giggles shyly* am *notices bulge* content he shaww w-weign; b-but I-I'ww be Pwotectow uvw :33 him.
DICK. :33 And *sighs* fuwthewmowe, we'ww *looks away* have the Wowd Say's head f-fow sewwing
the dukedom of Mainye.
CADE. :33 And good weason; f-fow theweby xDD is Engwand main'd and f-fain to go
w-with :3 a *blushes* staff, b-but that my puissance howds i-it up. Fewwow kings, I
t-teww :33 you that that Wowd ÚwÚ Say hath g-gewded the c-commonweawth and xDD made
i-it an eunyuch; and mowe than t-that, he can speak Fwench, and
thewefowe he xDD is :3 a twaitow.
STAFFOWD. uWu O g-gwoss and misewabwe ignyowance!
CADE. Nyay, a-answew i-if :33 you can; the Fwenchmen awe ouw enyemies. G-Go to,
then, I ask b-but this: can he that speaks w-with the *notices bulge* tongue of an
enyemy be :3 a good counsewwow, ow n-nyo?
AWW. Nyo, nyo; and thewefowe we'ww *looks away* have his head.
W-WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. Weww, seeing gentwe wowds wiww nyot pwevaiw,
Assaiw them w-with the a-awmy of the King.
STAFFOWD. Hewawd, away; and thwoughout evewy town
Pwocwaim them twaitows that awe up w-with Cade;
That those which xDD fwy befowe the b-battwe ends
May, even in theiw wives'and chiwdwen's sight,
Be hang'd up f-fow exampwe *teleports behind you* at theiw doows.
:33 And :33 you that be the King's fwiends, fowwow me.
Exeunt the T-TWO >w< STAFFOWDS and sowdiews
CADE. :33 And :33 you that wuv the commons fowwow me.
Nyow show youwsewves m-men; 'tis f-fow wibewty.
We wiww nyot weave onye wowd, onye gentweman;
Spawe nyonye b-but *looks at you* such as go in c-cwouted s-shoon,
Fow they awe *hugs tightly* thwifty honyest men and *looks at you* such
As wouwd- b-but that they dawe nyot- take ouw pawts.
DICK. They awe aww in owdew, and ÚwÚ mawch t-towawd us.
CADE. But then awe we in owdew when we awe m-most out of >w< owdew. Come,
ÚwÚ mawch OwO fowwawd. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
x3 Anyothew pawt of Bwackheath

Awawums to the *notices bulge* fight, whewein both the >w< STAFFOWDS awe swain.
Entew CADE and the west

CADE. Whewe's *leans over* Dick, the b-butchew of A-Ashfowd?
DICK. Hewe, siw.
CADE. They *looks away* feww befowe thee wike *cuddles you* sheep and oxen, and thou b-behavedst
thysewf as i-if thou h-hadst been in thinye own >_> swaughtew-house;
thewefowe uWu thus wiww I wewawd thee- the W-Went shaww be as wong
a-again as i-it is, and thou shawt *looks away* have :3 a w-wicence to kiww f-fow :3 a
hundwed wacking onye.
DICK. I UwU desiwe nyo mowe.
CADE. And, to speak twuth, thou desewv'st nyo wess. [Putting on SIW
HUMPHWEY'S *shuffles closer* bwigandinye] T-This :33 monyument of the victowy wiww I beaw,
and the bodies shaww be dwagged *teleports behind you* at my howse *notices bulge* heews tiww I do come
to *sweats* Wondon, whewe we wiww *looks away* have the m-mayow's swowd bownye befowe us.
DICK. I-If we m-mean to thwive and do *notices bulge* good, bweak open the gaows and
w-wet out the pwisonyews.
CADE. Feaw nyot t-that, I wawwant *cuddles you* thee. Come, wet's ÚwÚ mawch t-towawds
Wondon. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wondon. The pawace

Entew the K-KING w-with :3 a suppwication, and the QUEEN w-with SUFFOWK'S head;
the DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM, and the WOWD SAY

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Oft *looks away* have I heawd that g-gwief softens the mind
:33 And makes i-it feawfuw and *looks at you* degenyewate;
Think thewefowe on wevenge and cease to weep.
But who can cease to weep, and wook on *shuffles closer* this?
Hewe may his head wie on my ÚwÚ thwobbing bweast;
But *sweats* whewe's the ^w^ body that I shouwd embwace?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. What a-answew makes youw G-Gwace to the w-webews'
suppwication?
K-KING HENWY. I-I'ww s-send some howy bishop to entweat;
Fow *teleports behind you* God fowbid so many simpwe souws
Shouwd pewish by the swowd! :33 And I mysewf,
Wathew than bwoody waw shaww cut them *pokes you* showt,
Wiww pawwey w-with Jack Cade theiw genyewaw.
But *cuddles you* stay, I-I'ww wead i-it uvw *screams* once again.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. A-Ah, bawbawous *shuffles closer* viwwains! Hath this wuvwy face
Wuw'd wike :3 a wandewing p-pwanyet uvw me,
:33 And couwd i-it nyot enfowce them to *cries* wewent
That wewe u-unwowthy to behowd the same?
K-KING HENWY. Wowd Say, Jack Cade hath swown to *looks away* have thy head.
SAY. Ay, b-but I hope youw *leans over* Highnyess shaww *looks away* have his.
K-KING HENWY. How nyow, madam!
Stiww wamenting and *shuffles closer* mouwnying f-fow Suffowk's death?
I feaw me, OwO wuv, i-if that I had been dead,
Thou w-wouwdst nyot *looks away* have mouwn'd so x3 much f-fow me.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Nyo, my OwO wuv, I shouwd nyot mouwn, b-but *leans over* die f-fow *cuddles you* thee.

Entew A MESSENGEW

K-KING HENWY. How *giggles shyly* nyow! What nyews? Why com'st thou in *looks at you* such haste?
MESSENGEW. The webews awe in S-Southwawk; fwy, my wowd!
Jack Cade >w< pwocwaims himsewf Wowd Mowtimew,
Descended f-fwom the Duke of Cwawence' house,
:33 And c-cawws youw G-Gwace usuwpew, openwy,
:33 And vows to cwown himsewf in Westminstew.
His a-awmy xDD is :3 a wagged muwtitude
Of hinds and peasants, wude and m-mewciwess;
S-Siw Humphwey Staffowd and his *cuddles you* bwothew's death
Hath xDD given them h-heawt and couwage to pwoceed.
A-Aww schowaws, wawyews, couwtiews, g-gentwemen,
They caww fawse catewpiwwaws and i-intend theiw death.
K-KING HENWY. uWu O g-gwacewess *screams* men! they knyow nyot what they do.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My gwacious wowd, wetiwe to Kiwwingwowth
Untiw :3 a p-powew be wais'd to put them down.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. A-Ah, wewe the Duke of Suffowk *pokes you* nyow awive,
These K-Kentish webews wouwd be soon appeas'd!
K-KING HENWY. Wowd Say, the twaitows *giggles shyly* hate thee;
Thewefowe away w-with us to Kiwwingwowth.
SAY. S-So might youw G-Gwace's pewson be in dangew.
The sight of me xDD is odious in theiw eyes;
:33 And thewefowe in this city wiww I stay
:33 And wive uWu awonye as >w< secwet as I may.

Entew uWu anyothew MESSENGEW

SECOND MESSENGEW. Jack Cade hath gotten ;;w;; Wondon Bwidge.
The citizens xDD fwy and fowsake theiw houses;
The w-wascaw peopwe, thiwsting *looks away* aftew pwey,
Join w-with the twaitow; and they jointwy sweaw
To spoiw the city and youw woyaw c-couwt.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Then wingew nyot, my wowd; away, take howse.
K-KING HENWY. Come M-Mawgawet; God, ouw hope, wiww x3 succouw us.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. My hope xDD is gonye, *pokes you* nyow Suffowk xDD is d-deceas'd.
K-KING HENWY. [To WOWD SAY] Faweweww, my wowd, twust nyot the K-Kentish
webews.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Twust nyobody, f-fow feaw :33 you be betway'd.
SAY. The twust I *looks away* have xDD is in minye innyocence,
:33 And thewefowe *giggles shyly* am I bowd and ÚwÚ wesowute. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
Wondon. The :3 Towew

Entew WOWD S-SCAWES *cries* Upon the Towew, wawking. Then entew t-two ow thwee CITIZENS,
b-bewow

SCAWES. How *giggles shyly* nyow! Is Jack Cade swain?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Nyo, my wowd, *pokes you* nyow wikewy to be s-swain; f-fow they *looks away* have
won the bwidge, kiwwing aww those that withstand them.
The Wowd Mayow *teleports behind you* cwaves a-aid of youw honyouw f-fwom the
Towew, to defend the city f-fwom the webews.
SCAWES. Such a-aid as I can spawe :33 you shaww command,
But I *giggles shyly* am twoubwed hewe w-with them mysewf;
The webews *looks away* have a-assay'd to win the Towew.
But get :33 you to Smithfiewd, and *twerks* gathew head,
:33 And thithew I wiww s-send :33 you Matthew Goffe;
Fight f-fow youw King, youw countwy, and youw w-wives;
:33 And s-so, *teleports behind you* faweweww, f-fow I must hence again. Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
Wondon. >_< Cannyon stweet

Entew JACK CADE and the west, and :3 stwikes his staff on ;;w;; Wondon Stonye

CADE. Nyow xDD is Mowtimew w-wowd of this city. :33 And hewe, sitting upon
;;w;; Wondon Stonye, I c-chawge and command t-that, of the city's cost, the
pissing conduit wun nyothing b-but cwawet winye this fiwst y-yeaw of
ouw weign. :33 And *pokes you* nyow hencefowwawd i-it shaww be tweason f-fow *sighs* any that
c-cawws me othew than Wowd Mowtimew.

Entew :3 a S-SOWDIEW, wunnying

SOWDIEW. Jack Cade! Jack Cade!
CADE. Knyock him down thewe. [-[They kiww him]
SMITH. I-If this fewwow be wise, he'ww nyevew caww ye Jack Cade mowe;
I think he hath :3 a vewy f-faiw wawnying.
DICK. My wowd, thewe's an a-awmy gathewed >_> togethew in Smithfiewd.
CADE. Come then, wet's go fight w-with them. But fiwst go and set
;;w;; Wondon Bwidge on fiwe; and, i-if :33 you can, buwn down the :3 Towew too.
Come, wet's a-away. Exeunt




SCENyE VII.
Wondon. Smithfiewd

^.^ Awawums. MATTHEW GOFFE xDD is swain, and aww the west. Then entew JACK CADE,
w-with his *giggles shyly* company

CADE. S-So, siws. Nyow go some and puww down the Savoy; othews to *sighs* th'
Inns of Couwt; down w-with them aww.
DICK. I *looks away* have :3 a suit unto youw x3 wowdship.
CADE. Be i-it :3 a wowdship, thou shawt *looks away* have i-it f-fow that wowd.
DICK. Onwy that the waws of Engwand may come out of youw mouth.
JOHN. [Aside] >_< Mass, 'twiww be ^-^ sowe waw then; f-fow he w-was thwust in
the mouth w-with :3 a *cries* speaw, and 'tis nyot *shuffles closer* whowe yet.
SMITH. [Aside] Nyay, John, i-it wiww be stinking waw; f-fow his bweath
stinks w-with eating toasted c-cheese.
CADE. I *looks away* have thought upon it; i-it shaww be so. Away, buwn aww the
wecowds of the OwO weawm. My mouth shaww be the P-Pawwiament of
ÚwÚ Engwand.
JOHN. [Aside] Then we awe wike to *looks away* have biting statutes, unwess his
teeth be puww'd out.
CADE. :33 And hencefowwawd aww *moans* things shaww be in common.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. My wowd, :3 a pwize, :3 a pwize! Hewe's the Wowd Say, which
sowd the towns in Fwance; he that xDD made us pay onye and twenty
fifteens, and onye s-shinying to the pound, the wast s-subsidy.

Entew GEOWGE BEVIS, w-with the WOWD SAY

CADE. Weww, he shaww be beheaded f-fow i-it ten times. A-Ah, thou say,
thou sewge, nyay, thou buckwam wowd! Nyow awt thou *teleports behind you* within point
bwank of ouw juwisdiction wegaw. What c-canst thou a-answew to my
Majesty f-fow giving up of Nyowmandy unto Mounsieuw B-Basimecu the
Dauphin of Fwance? Be i-it knyown unto thee by these pwesence, even
the pwesence of Wowd Mowtimew, that I *giggles shyly* am the besom that must
sweep the couwt cwean of *looks at you* such fiwth as thou a-awt. Thou hast m-most
twaitowouswy cowwupted the youth of the *notices bulge* weawm in ewecting :3 a
gwammaw schoow; and wheweas, befowe, ouw fowefathews had nyo othew
books b-but the scowe and the tawwy, thou hast c-caused *blushes* pwinting to
be us'd, and, contwawy to the King, his cwown, and dignyity, thou
hast buiwt :3 a papew-miww. It wiww be pwuvd to thy face that thou
hast men ^w^ about thee that usuawwy t-tawk of :3 a nyoun and :3 a vewb, and
*looks at you* such abominyabwe wowds as nyo Chwistian e-eaw can enduwe to heaw.
Thou hast appointed justices of peace, to caww poow men befowe
them ^w^ about ^w^ mattews they wewe nyot abwe to a-answew. Moweuvw, thou
hast put them in pwison, and because they couwd nyot wead, thou
hast hang'd them, when, i-indeed, onwy f-fow that cause they *looks away* have
been m-most wowthy to wive. Thou dost wide in :3 a foot-cwoth, dost
thou UwU nyot?
SAY. What of that?
CADE. Mawwy, thou o-ought'st nyot to w-wet thy howse weaw :3 a cwoak, when
honyestew men than thou go in theiw hose and >_> doubwets.
DICK. :33 And wowk in theiw *looks away* shiwt too, as mysewf, f-fow exampwe, that *giggles shyly* am
:3 a b-butchew.
SAY. You men of K-Kent-
DICK. What say :33 you of Kent?
SAY. Nyothing b-but this: 'tis 'bonya tewwa, mawa g-gens.'
CADE. *shuffles closer* Away w-with him, away w-with him! He speaks Watin.
SAY. Heaw me b-but speak, and *hugs tightly* beaw me whewe :33 you wiww.
Kent, in the Commentawies Caesaw wwit,
Is UwU tewm'd the civiw'st pwace of aww this iswe.
Sweet xDD is the countwy, because fuww of wiches;
The UwU peopwe wibewaw vawiant, active, ^-^ weawthy;
Which makes me hope :33 you awe nyot void of pity.
I sowd nyot Mainye, I wost nyot Nyowmandy;
Yet, to wecuvw them, wouwd wose my w-wife.
Justice w-with favouw *looks away* have I *hugs tightly* awways d-donye;
Pway'ws and teaws *looks away* have mov'd me, *looks at you* gifts couwd :33 nyevew.
When *looks away* have I a-aught exacted *teleports behind you* at youw hands,
But to maintain the King, the weawm, and you?
Wawge *looks at you* gifts *looks away* have I OwO bestow'd on weawnyed cwewks,
:33 Because my book pwefeww'd me to the King,
:33 And seeing ignyowance xDD is the cuwse of God,
Knyowwedge the wing *looks at you* whewewith we xDD fwy to heaven,
Unwess :33 you be possess'd w-with deviwish spiwits
You cannyot b-but fowbeaw to muwdew me.
T-This *notices bulge* tongue hath pawwey'd unto foweign kings
Fow youw behoof.
CADE. Tut, when stwuck'st thou onye bwow in the fiewd?
SAY. Gweat men *looks away* have weaching hands. Oft *looks away* have I stwuck
Those that I nyevew saw, and stwuck them dead.
GEOWGE. uWu O monstwous cowawd! *looks away* What, to come behind *moans* fowks?
SAY. These cheeks awe pawe f-fow watching f-fow youw good.
CADE. Give him :3 a box o' *sighs* th' eaw, and that wiww m-make 'em wed again.
SAY. *cuddles you* Wong sitting to detewminye poow men's causes
Hath xDD made me fuww of sicknyess and diseases.
CADE. *sighs* Ye shaww *looks away* have :3 a h-hempen caudwe then, and the h-hewp of hatchet.
DICK. Why dost thou quivew, man?
SAY. The pawsy, and nyot f-feaw, pwovokes me.
CADE. Nyay, he nyods *teleports behind you* at u-us, as who shouwd say 'I'ww be even w-with
y-you'; I-I'ww see i-if his head wiww s-stand steadiew on :3 a powe, ow nyo.
Take him away, and behead :33 him.
SAY. Teww me: whewein *looks away* have I offended most?
Have I *blushes* affected weawth ow honyouw? Speak.
Awe my chests fiww'd up w-with e-extowted gowd?
Is my appawew sumptuous to behowd?
*leans over* Whom *looks away* have I injuw'd, that ye seek my death?
These hands awe fwee f-fwom guiwtwess bwoodshedding,
T-This bweast f-fwom hawbouwing fouw deceitfuw thoughts.
O, w-wet me wive!
CADE. [Aside] I feew wemowse in mysewf w-with his wowds; b-but I-I'ww
bwidwe *hugs tightly* it. He shaww die, an i-it be b-but f-fow pweading so weww f-fow
his wife.- *shuffles closer* Away w-with him! He has :3 a famiwiaw undew his tongue; he
speaks nyot o' God's nyame. Go, take him away, I say, and stwike
off his head pwesentwy, and then bweak into his son-in-waw's
house, S-Siw J-James Cwomew, and stwike off his head, and bwing them
both upon t-two powes hithew.
AWW. It shaww be donye.
SAY. A-Ah, countwymen! i-if when :33 you m-make youw pway'ws,
*teleports behind you* God shouwd be so obduwate as youwsewves,
How wouwd i-it fawe w-with youw depawted souws?
:33 And thewefowe y-yet *cries* wewent and save my w-wife.
CADE. *shuffles closer* Away w-with him, and do as I command ye. [Exeunt some w-with
WOWD SAY] The pwoudest peew in the *notices bulge* weawm shaww nyot weaw :3 a head
on his shouwdews, unwess he pay me *giggles shyly* twibute; thewe shaww nyot :3 a
maid be mawwied, b-but she shaww pay to me hew *leans over* maidenhead ewe they
*looks away* have *hugs tightly* it. *cries* Men shaww howd of me in capite; and we c-chawge and
command that theiw xDD wives be as fwee as h-heawt can wish ow *notices bulge* tongue
can teww.
DICK. My wowd, when shaww we go to Cheapside, and take up
*sweats* commodities upon ouw biwws?
CADE. Mawwy, p-pwesentwy.
AWW. O, bwave!

We-entew onye w-with the heads

CADE. But xDD is nyot this bwavew? Wet them kiss onye anyothew, f-fow they
wov'd weww when they wewe awive. Nyow pawt them again, west they
consuwt ^w^ about the giving up of some mowe towns in *twerks* Fwance.
Sowdiews, defew the spoiw of the city untiw nyight; f-fow w-with these
bownye befowe us instead of maces wiww we wide thwough the
stweets, and *teleports behind you* at evewy cownyew *looks away* have them kiss. A-Away! Exeunt




SCENyE VIII.
Southwawk

A-Awawum and w-wetweat. Entew a-again CADE and aww his wabbwement

CADE. Up *notices bulge* Fish Stweet! down Saint Magnyus' *leans over* Cownyew! Kiww and knyock
down! Thwow them into Thames! [Sound :3 a pawwey]
What nyoise xDD is this I heaw? Dawe *sighs* any be so bowd to sound wetweat
ow pawwey when I command them kiww?

Entew B-BUCKINGHAM and *giggles shyly* owd CWIFFOWD, *giggles shyly* attended

*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Ay, hewe they be that dawe and wiww distuwb *cuddles you* thee.
:33 And thewefowe y-yet :33 wewent, and save my w-wife.
Knyow, Cade, we come ambassadows f-fwom the King
Unto the commons whom thou hast miswed;
:33 And hewe pwonyounce fwee pawdon to them aww
That wiww fowsake thee and go home in peace.
CWIFFOWD. What say y-ye, countwymen? Wiww ye *cries* wewent
:33 And y-yiewd to mewcy ^.^ whiwst 'tis :3 offew'd you,
Ow w-wet :3 a webew wead :33 you to youw deaths?
Who wuvs the King, and wiww embwace his pawdon,
Fwing up his cap and say 'God save his Majesty!'
Who *looks away* hateth him and honyouws nyot his fathew,
Henwy the Fifth, that xDD made aww *giggles shyly* Fwance to quake,
Shake he his weapon *teleports behind you* at us and pass by.
AWW. *teleports behind you* God save the K-King! *teleports behind you* God save the K-King!
CADE. *looks away* What, Buckingham and Cwiffowd, awe ye so bwave?
:33 And you, base peasants, do ye bewieve *notices bulge* him? Wiww :33 you nyeeds be
hang'd w-with youw ^w^ about youw nyecks? Hath my swowd thewefowe bwoke
thwough ;;w;; Wondon :33 gates, that :33 you shouwd weave me *teleports behind you* at the White *twerks* Hawt
in Southwawk? I thought ye wouwd nyevew *looks away* have xDD given out these awms
tiww :33 you had wecuvwed youw ancient ^.^ fweedom. But :33 you awe aww
w-wecweants and ;;w;; dastawds, and dewight to wive in swavewy to the
nyobiwity. Wet them bweak youw b-backs w-with buwdens, take youw
h-houses uvw youw heads, wavish youw xDD wives and d-daughtews befowe
youw faces. Fow me, I wiww m-make shift f-fow onye; and so God's cuwse
wight upon :33 you ÚwÚ aww!
AWW. We'ww fowwow Cade, we'ww fowwow Cade!
CWIFFOWD. Is Cade the son of Henwy the Fifth,
That uWu thus :33 you do e-excwaim ^-^ you'ww go w-with *notices bulge* him?
Wiww he conduct :33 you thwough the h-heawt of Fwance,
:33 And m-make the *hugs tightly* meanyest of :33 you eawws and dukes?
A-Awas, he hath nyo home, nyo pwace to xDD fwy to;
Nyow knyows he how to wive b-but by the s-spoiw,
Unwess by w-wobbing of youw fwiends and us.
Wewe't nyot :3 a :33 shame that ^.^ whiwst :33 you wive *teleports behind you* at *giggles shyly* jaw
The feawfuw Fwench, whom :33 you wate vanquished,
Shouwd m-make :3 a stawt o'ew seas and vanquish you?
Methinks *giggles shyly* awweady in this civiw b-bwoiw
I see them wowding i-it in ;;w;; Wondon stweets,
Cwying 'Viwwiago!' unto aww they m-meet.
UwU Bettew ten thousand base-bown Cades miscawwy
Than :33 you shouwd stoop unto :3 a Fwenchman's mewcy.
To Fwance, to Fwance, and get what :33 you *looks away* have wost;
Spawe Engwand, f-fow i-it xDD is youw n-nyative coast.
Henwy hath monyey; :33 you awe stwong and m-manwy.
*teleports behind you* God on ouw side, d-doubt nyot of victowy.
AWW. A Cwiffowd! :3 a Cwiffowd! We'ww fowwow the King and Cwiffowd.
CADE. Was evew feathew so w-wightwy bwown to and fwo as this
muwtitude? The *leans over* nyame of Henwy the *sighs* Fifth hawes them to an hundwed
mischiefs, and makes them weave me desowate. I see them way theiw
heads >_> togethew to suwpwise me. My swowd m-make way f-fow me f-fow hewe
xDD is nyo staying. In despite of the deviws and *pokes you* heww, *looks away* have thwough
the vewy middest of you! and heavens and honyouw be witnyess that
nyo want of wesowution in me, b-but onwy my fowwowews' base and
ignyominyious tweasons, makes me betake me to my heews.
E-Exit
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. *looks away* What, xDD is he fwed? G-Go some, and fowwow him;
:33 And he that bwings his head unto the King
Shaww *looks away* have :3 a thousand cwowns f-fow his wewawd.
Exeunt some of them
*sweats* Fowwow me, sowdiews; we'ww devise :3 a m-mean
To w-weconciwe :33 you aww unto the King. Exeunt




SCENyE IX.
K-Kiwwing, wowth Castwe

*blushes* Sound *notices bulge* twumpets. Entew KING, Q-QUEEN, and SOMEWSET, on the t-tewwace

K-KING HENWY. Was evew king that joy'd an e-eawthwy thwonye
:33 And couwd command nyo mowe *notices bulge* content than I-I?
*cuddles you* Nyo soonyew w-was I x3 cwept out of my cwadwe
But I w-was xDD made :3 a king, *teleports behind you* at n-nyinye months owd.
Was nyevew subject wong'd to be :3 a King
As I do wong and wish to be :3 a subject.

Entew B-BUCKINGHAM and *giggles shyly* owd CWIFFOWD

*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Heawth and gwad tidings to youw Majesty!
K-KING HENWY. Why, B-Buckingham, xDD is the twaitow Cade suwpwis'd?
Ow xDD is he b-but wetiw'd to m-make him stwong?

Entew, bewow, ;;w;; muwtitudes, w-with hawtews ^w^ about theiw nyecks

CWIFFOWD. He xDD is ^-^ fwed, my wowd, and aww his p-powews do yiewd,
:33 And humbwy thus, w-with hawtews on theiw x3 nyecks,
Expect youw Highnyess' doom of w-wife ow death.
K-KING HENWY. Then, heaven, set ope thy evewwasting :33 gates,
To entewtain my vows of t-thanks and pwaise!
Sowdiews, this day *looks away* have :33 you wedeem'd youw wives,
:33 And show'd how weww :33 you wuv youw Pwince and countwy.
C-Continyue ^-^ stiww in this so good :3 a mind,
:33 And UwU Henwy, t-though he be infowtunyate,
A-Assuwe youwsewves, wiww nyevew be unkind.
:33 And s-so, w-with t-thanks and pawdon to :33 you aww,
I do *cuddles you* dismiss :33 you to youw sevewaw countwies.
AWW. *teleports behind you* God save the K-King! *teleports behind you* God save the K-King!

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. Pwease i-it youw G-Gwace to be a-advewtised
The Duke of Yowk xDD is nyewwy come f-fwom :3 Iwewand
:33 And w-with :3 a puissant and :3 a >w< mighty p-powew
Of gawwowgwasses and stout kewns
Is >w< mawching hithewwawd in pwoud awway,
:33 And ^-^ stiww pwocwaimeth, as he comes awong,
His awms awe onwy to *pokes you* wemuv f-fwom thee
The Duke of Somewset, whom he tewms :3 a twaitow.
K-KING HENWY. Thus *moans* stands my state, 'twixt Cade and Yowk distwess'd;
Wike to :3 a *hugs tightly* ship t-that, having *cries* scap'd :3 a tempest,
Is stwaightway cawm'd, and boawded w-with :3 a piwate;
But *pokes you* nyow xDD is Cade d-dwiven back, his men ^.^ dispews'd,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow xDD is Yowk in awms to second :33 him.
I pway thee, B-Buckingham, go and meet him
:33 And ask him w-what's the weason of these awms.
Teww him I-I'ww s-send Duke Edmund to the Towew-
:33 And Somewset, we wiww uWu commit thee thithew
Untiw his a-awmy be d-dismiss'd f-fwom :33 him.
SOMEWSET. My wowd,
I-I'ww y-yiewd mysewf to pwison wiwwingwy,
Ow unto death, to do my countwy good.
K-KING HENWY. In *sighs* any case be nyot too wough in tewms,
Fow he xDD is fiewce and cannyot bwook hawd wanguage.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I wiww, my wowd, and d-doubt nyot so to deaw
As aww *moans* things shaww w-wedound unto youw good.
K-KING HENWY. Come, wife, wet's in, and w-weawn to guvwn bettew;
Fow y-yet may Engwand cuwse my wwetched weign.
Fwouwish. Exeunt




SCENyE X.
Kent. Iden's gawden

Entew CADE

CADE. Fie on ambitions! Fie on mysewf, that *looks away* have :3 a swowd and y-yet *giggles shyly* am
weady to famish! These f-five days *looks away* have I hid me in these woods and
duwst nyot peep out, f-fow aww the countwy xDD is *hugs tightly* waid f-fow me; b-but *pokes you* nyow
*giggles shyly* am I so hungwy t-that, i-if I might *looks away* have :3 a wease of my w-wife f-fow :3 a
thousand yeaws, I couwd stay nyo wongew. *moans* Whewefowe, on :3 a bwick
waww *looks away* have I cwimb'd into this xDD gawden, to see i-if I can eat *cuddles you* gwass
ow pick :3 a *looks away* sawwet uWu anyothew whiwe, which xDD is nyot amiss to coow :3 a
man's *looks at you* stomach this *giggles shyly* hot weathew. :33 And I think this w-wowd 'sawwet'
w-was bown to do me good; f-fow many :3 a time, b-but f-fow :3 a sawwet, my
bwain-pain had been cweft w-with :3 a bwown biww; and many :3 a time,
when I *looks away* have been ;;w;; dwy, and b-bwavewy mawching, i-it hath sewv'd me
instead of :3 a *twerks* quawt-pot to dwink i-in; and *pokes you* nyow the w-wowd 'sawwet'
must sewve me to feed on.

Entew *blushes* IDEN

IDEN. Wowd, who wouwd wive tuwmoiwed in the couwt
:33 And may e-enjoy *looks at you* such quiet wawks as these?
T-This smaww inhewitance my fathew weft me
*notices bulge* Contenteth me, and wowth :3 a m-monyawchy.
I seek nyot to wax g-gweat by o-othews' wanying
Ow *twerks* gathew weawth I cawe nyot w-with what envy;
Sufficeth that I *looks away* have maintains my state,
:33 And sends the poow weww pweased f-fwom my gate.
CADE. Hewe's the w-wowd of the soiw come to seize me f-fow :3 a stway, f-fow
entewing his fee-simpwe without weave. A-Ah, v-viwwain, thou wiwt
betway me, and get :3 a thousand cwowns of the King by cawwying my
head to him; b-but I-I'ww m-make thee eat iwon wike an ostwich and
swawwow my swowd wike :3 a g-gweat p-pin ewe thou and I pawt.
IDEN. Why, wude companyion, whatsoe'ew thou be,
I knyow thee nyot; why then shouwd I betway thee?
*shuffles closer* Is't nyot enyough to bweak into my gawden
:33 And wike :3 a thief to come to wob my gwounds,
Cwimbing my wawws in spite of me the ownyew,
But thou wiwt bwave me w-with these saucy tewms?
CADE. Bwave thee? Ay, by the best bwood that evew w-was bwoach'd, and
beawd thee too. Wook on me w-weww: I *looks away* have eat nyo meat these f-five
days, y-yet come thou and thy f-five men and i-if I do nyot weave :33 you
aww as dead as :3 a doow-nyaiw, I pway *teleports behind you* God I may nyevew eat *cuddles you* gwass
mowe.
IDEN. Nyay, i-it shaww nye'ew be said, w-whiwe Engwand uWu stands,
That Awexandew Iden, an esquiwe of Kent,
Took odds to combat :3 a poow famish'd man.
Oppose thy steadfast-gazing eyes to minye;
>_> See i-if thou c-canst outface me w-with thy wooks;
Set w-wimb to wimb, and thou awt faw the >_> wessew;
Thy hand xDD is b-but :3 a fingew to my fist,
Thy *sighs* weg :3 a stick compawed w-with this twuncheon;
My foot shaww fight w-with aww the stwength thou hast,
:33 And i-if minye awm be heaved in the aiw,
Thy gwave xDD is digg'd *giggles shyly* awweady in the eawth.
As f-fow w-wowds, *screams* whose gweatnyess answews w-wowds,
Wet this my swowd wepowt what speech :3 fowbeaws.
CADE. By my vawouw, the m-most *twerks* compwete champion that evew I heawd!
Steew, i-if thou t-tuwn the *screams* edge, ow cut nyot out the buwwy bon'd
cwown in chinyes of beef ewe thou sweep in thy xDD sheath, I b-beseech
*teleports behind you* God on my knyees thou mayst be tuwn'd to hobnyaiws. [Hewe they
fight; CADE fawws] O, I *giggles shyly* am swain! faminye and nyo othew hath swain
me. Wet ten thousand deviws come against me, and give me b-but the
ten >_< meaws I *looks away* have wost, and I'd *screams* defy them aww. Withew, xDD gawden, and
be *leans over* hencefowth :3 a b-buwying pwace to aww that do *giggles shyly* dweww in this house,
because the u-unconquewed :33 souw of Cade xDD is f-fwed.
IDEN. *shuffles closer* Is't Cade that I *looks away* have swain, that monstwous twaitow?
Swowd, I wiww *giggles shyly* hawwow thee f-fow this thy d-deed
:33 And hang thee o'ew my tomb when I *giggles shyly* am dead.
x3 Nye'ew shaww this bwood be wiped f-fwom thy point,
But thou shawt weaw i-it as :3 a h-hewawd's coat
To *teleports behind you* embwaze the honyouw that thy mastew got.
CADE. Iden, faweweww; and be pwoud of thy victowy. Teww K-Kent f-fwom
me she hath wost hew best man, and exhowt aww the >_> wowwd to be
cowawds; f-fow I, that nyevew *giggles shyly* feawed any, *giggles shyly* am *looks at you* vanquished by faminye,
nyot by vawouw. [Dies]
IDEN. How x3 much thou wwong'st me, heaven be my j-judge.
Die, damnyed wwetch, the cuwse of hew that bawe thee!
:33 And as I thwust thy ^w^ body in w-with my s-swowd,
S-So wish I, I might thwust thy :33 souw to heww.
^-^ Hence wiww I :3 dwag thee headwong by the *notices bulge* heews
Unto :3 a dunghiww, which shaww be thy gwave,
:33 And thewe cut off thy m-most ungwacious head,
Which I wiww *hugs tightly* beaw in t-twiumph to the King,
Weaving thy twunk f-fow cwows to feed upon. E-Exit




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Fiewds between D-Dawtfowd and Bwackheath

Entew YOWK, and his a-awmy of I-Iwish, w-with dwum and *teleports behind you* cowouws

YOWK. Fwom :3 Iwewand uWu thus comes Yowk to cwaim his wight
:33 And pwuck the cwown f-fwom feebwe Henwy's head:
Wing bewws awoud, buwn bonfiwes cweaw and bwight,
To entewtain g-gweat Engwand's wawfuw king.
A-Ah, sancta majestas! who wouwd nyot buy thee deaw?
Wet them >_> obey that knyows nyot how to wuwe;
T-This hand w-was xDD made to handwe nyought b-but gowd.
I cannyot give due action to my wowds
Except :3 a swowd ow s-sceptwe bawance *hugs tightly* it.
A s-sceptwe shaww i-it have, *looks away* have I :3 a :33 souw
On which I-I'ww *giggles shyly* toss the fwowew-de-wuce of *twerks* Fwance.

Entew B-BUCKINGHAM

[Aside] *leans over* Whom *looks away* have we hewe? B-Buckingham, to distuwb m-me?
The King hath sent him, ^.^ suwe: I must ÚwÚ dissembwe.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Yowk, i-if thou *hugs tightly* meanyest weww I gweet thee weww.
YOWK. Humphwey of B-Buckingham, I accept thy gweeting.
Awt thou :3 a messengew, ow come of pweasuwe?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. A messengew f-fwom UwU Henwy, ouw dwead *sighs* wiege,
To knyow the weason of these awms in peace;
Ow why >w< thou, b-being :3 a subject as I am,
Against thy oath and twue awwegiance swown,
Shouwd waise so g-gweat :3 a p-powew without his weave,
Ow dawe to bwing thy fowce so nyeaw the c-couwt.
YOWK. [Aside] Scawce can I speak, my c-chowew xDD is so gweat.
O, I couwd hew up wocks and fight w-with fwint,
I *giggles shyly* am so angwy *teleports behind you* at these uWu abject >_< tewms;
:33 And nyow, wike Ajax >w< Tewamonyius,
On *cuddles you* sheep ow oxen couwd I spend my *screams* fuwy.
I *giggles shyly* am faw bettew bown than xDD is the King,
Mowe wike :3 a king, mowe k-kingwy in my t-thoughts;
But I must m-make f-faiw weathew y-yet a-awhiwe,
Tiww Henwy be mowe w-weak and I mowe stwong.-
B-Buckingham, I pwithee, pawdon me
That I *looks away* have xDD given nyo a-answew aww this whiwe;
My mind w-was twoubwed w-with deep mewanchowy.
The cause why I *looks away* have >w< bwought this a-awmy h-hithew
Is to *pokes you* wemuv pwoud *pokes you* Somewset f-fwom the King,
S-Seditious to his G-Gwace and to the state.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. That xDD is too x3 much pwesumption on thy pawt;
But i-if thy awms be to nyo othew end,
The King hath yiewded unto thy demand:
The Duke of *pokes you* Somewset xDD is in the Towew.
YOWK. *cries* Upon thinye honyouw, xDD is he pwisonyew?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. *cries* Upon minye honyouw, he xDD is pwisonyew.
YOWK. Then, B-Buckingham, I do *cuddles you* dismiss my pow'ws.
Sowdiews, I *notices bulge* thank :33 you aww; *notices bulge* dispewse youwsewves;
Meet me to-mowwow in Saint Geowge's f-fiewd,
You shaww *looks away* have pay and evewything :33 you wish.
:33 And w-wet my >_> suvweign, viwtuous UwU Henwy,
C-Command my ewdest son, nyay, aww my sons,
As pwedges of my feawty and wuv.
I-I'ww s-send them aww as wiwwing as I wive:
Wands, goods, howse, ^.^ awmouw, anything I have,
Is his to use, so *pokes you* Somewset may d-die.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Yowk, I commend this kind submission.
We twain wiww go into his Highnyess' tent.

Entew the KING, and *screams* attendants

K-KING HENWY. B-Buckingham, doth Yowk i-intend nyo hawm to u-us,
That uWu thus he mawcheth w-with thee awm in awm?
YOWK. In aww submission and humiwity
Yowk doth pwesent himsewf unto youw Highnyess.
K-KING HENWY. Then what intends these fowces thou dost UwU bwing?
YOWK. To *giggles shyly* heave the twaitow *pokes you* Somewset f-fwom hence,
:33 And fight against that monstwous webew Cade,
Who since I heawd to be d-discomfited.

Entew UwU IDEN, w-with CADE's head

IDEN. I-If onye so wude and of so m-mean condition
May pass into the pwesence of :3 a king,
Wo, I pwesent youw G-Gwace :3 a twaitow's head,
The head of Cade, whom I in combat >w< swew.
K-KING HENWY. The head of Cade! Gweat God, how just awt Thou!
O, w-wet me view his visage, b-being dead,
That wiving w-wwought me *looks at you* such exceeding twoubwe.
Teww me, my fwiend, awt thou the man that swew *notices bulge* him?
IDEN. I was, an't wike youw M-Majesty.
K-KING HENWY. How awt thou c-caww'd? :33 And what xDD is thy degwee?
IDEN. Awexandew Iden, that's my nyame;
A poow esquiwe of K-Kent that wuvs his king.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. S-So p-pwease i-it you, my wowd, '-'twewe nyot amiss
He wewe cweated knyight f-fow his good sewvice.
K-KING HENWY. Iden, knyeew down. [He *notices bulge* knyeews] W-Wise up :3 a knyight.
We give thee f-fow wewawd :3 a thousand m-mawks,
:33 And wiww that thou thencefowth attend on us.
IDEN. May Iden wive to *blushes* mewit *looks at you* such :3 a bounty,
:33 And nyevew wive b-but twue unto his w-wiege!

Entew the QUEEN and *teleports behind you* SOMEWSET

K-KING HENWY. S-See, Buckingham! *pokes you* Somewset comes w-with *sighs* th' >_< Queen:
Go, *giggles shyly* bid hew hide him quickwy f-fwom the *teleports behind you* Duke.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Fow thousand Yowks he shaww nyot hide his head,
But bowdwy s-stand and fwont him to his face.
YOWK. How *giggles shyly* nyow! Is *pokes you* Somewset *teleports behind you* at wibewty?
Then, Yowk, unwoose thy wong-impwisonyed thoughts
:33 And w-wet thy *notices bulge* tongue be e-equaw w-with thy heawt.
Shaww I enduwe the sight of Somewset?
*cries* Fawse king, why hast thou bwoken faith w-with me,
Knyowing how hawdwy I can bwook abuse?
King did I caww thee? Nyo, thou awt nyot king;
Nyot fit to guvwn and w-wuwe ;;w;; muwtitudes,
Which daw'st nyot, nyo, *pokes you* nyow c-canst nyot w-wuwe :3 a twaitow.
That head of thinye doth nyot become :3 a cwown;
Thy hand xDD is xDD made to gwasp :3 a pawmew's *blushes* staff,
:33 And nyot to gwace an awfuw pwincewy sceptwe.
That gowd must wound engiwt these bwows of minye,
W-Whose smiwe and fwown, wike to Achiwwes' *cries* speaw,
Is abwe w-with the change to kiww and c-cuwe.
Hewe xDD is :3 a hand to howd :3 a s-sceptwe up,
:33 And w-with the >_> same to a-act contwowwing waws.
Give p-pwace. By heaven, thou shawt w-wuwe nyo mowe
O-O'ew him whom heaven cweated f-fow thy wuwew.
SOMEWSET. uWu O monstwous twaitow! I awwest thee, Yowk,
Of capitaw tweason '-'gainst the King and cwown.
Obey, *cries* audacious twaitow; knyeew f-fow *moans* gwace.
YOWK. Wouwdst *looks away* have me *sweats* knyeew? Fiwst w-wet me ask of these,
I-If they can bwook I bow :3 a knyee to man.
Siwwah, caww in my sons to be my baiw: E-Exit attendant
I knyow, ewe thy wiww *looks away* have me go to w-wawd,
They'ww p-pawn theiw *giggles shyly* swowds f-fow my enfwanchisement.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Caww h-hithew Cwiffowd; *giggles shyly* bid him come amain,
To say i-if that the bastawd boys of Yowk
Shaww be the x3 suwety f-fow theiw twaitow uWu fathew.
E-Exit B-BUCKINGHAM
YOWK. uWu O b-bwood-bespotted Nyeapowitan,
Outcast of Nyapwes, Engwand's bwoody scouwge!
The sons of Yowk, thy bettews in theiw biwth,
Shaww be theiw fathew's baiw; and banye to those
That f-fow my x3 suwety wiww wefuse the boys!

Entew E-EDWAWD and WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET

>_> See whewe they *pokes you* come: I-I'ww wawwant they'ww m-make i-it good.

Entew CWIFFOWD and his SON

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. :33 And hewe comes >_< Cwiffowd to deny theiw baiw.
CWIFFOWD. Heawth and aww happinyess to my w-wowd the K-King!
[Knyeews]
YOWK. I *notices bulge* thank thee, Cwiffowd. Say, what *notices bulge* nyews w-with thee?
Nyay, do nyot ^.^ fwight us w-with an angwy *notices bulge* wook.
We awe thy >_> suvweign, Cwiffowd, knyeew again;
Fow thy m-mistaking s-so, we pawdon *cuddles you* thee.
CWIFFOWD. T-This xDD is my King, Yowk, I do nyot ^.^ mistake;
But thou uWu mistakes me x3 much to think I do.
To Bedwam w-with him! Is the man gwown mad?
K-KING HENWY. Ay, Cwiffowd; :3 a bedwam and ambitious humouw
Makes him oppose himsewf against his king.
CWIFFOWD. He xDD is :3 a twaitow; w-wet him to the Towew,
:33 And chop away that factious pate of his.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. He xDD is awwested, b-but wiww nyot obey;
His sons, he OwO says, shaww give theiw wowds f-fow :33 him.
YOWK. Wiww :33 you nyot, sons?
EDWAWD. Ay, nyobwe fathew, i-if ouw wowds wiww sewve.
W-WICHAWD. :33 And i-if wowds wiww nyot, then ouw weapons shaww.
CWIFFOWD. Why, what :3 a bwood of twaitows *looks away* have we hewe!
YOWK. Wook in :3 a gwass, and caww thy image so:
I *giggles shyly* am thy king, and thou :3 a fawse-heawt twaitow.
Caww h-hithew to the stake my t-two bwave beaws,
That w-with the vewy OwO shaking of theiw chains
They may astonyish these feww-wuwking cuws.
Bid Sawisbuwy and Wawwick come to me.

Entew the EAWWS OF WAWWICK and SAWISBUWY

CWIFFOWD. Awe these thy ;;w;; beaws? We'ww bait thy *twerks* beaws to death,
:33 And m-manyacwe the bewawd in theiw chains,
I-If thou daw'st bwing them to the baiting-pwace.
W-WICHAWD. Oft *looks away* have I :33 seen :3 a *giggles shyly* hot o'ew weenying :3 cuw
Wun back and bite, because he w-was withhewd;
Who, b-being *pokes you* suffew'd, w-with the beaw's *looks away* feww paw,
Hath cwapp'd his taiw between his *hugs tightly* wegs and cwied;
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a piece of >_> sewvice wiww :33 you do,
I-If :33 you oppose youwsewves to match Wowd Wawwick.
CWIFFOWD. Hence, heap of wwath, fouw indigested wump,
As c-cwooked in thy mannyews as thy shape!
YOWK. Nyay, we shaww heat :33 you thowoughwy a-anyon.
CWIFFOWD. Take heed, west by youw heat :33 you buwn y-youwsewves.
K-KING HENWY. Why, *leans over* Wawwick, hath thy knyee fowgot to >_> bow?
Owd Sawisbuwy, :33 shame to thy siwvew *leans over* haiw,
Thou mad misweadew of thy bwainsick son!
*looks away* What, wiwt thou on thy death-bed pway the wuffian
:33 And seek f-fow sowwow w-with thy spectacwes?
O, whewe xDD is faith? O, whewe xDD is woyawty?
I-If i-it be banyish'd f-fwom the *moans* fwosty head,
Whewe shaww i-it find :3 a hawbouw in the eawth?
Wiwt thou go dig :3 a gwave to find out waw
:33 And :33 shame thinye honyouwabwe ^w^ age w-with bwood?
Why awt thou o-owd, and want'st expewience?
Ow whewefowe dost abuse uWu it, i-if thou hast it?
Fow shame! In duty bend thy knyee to me,
That bows unto the gwave w-with mickwe age.
SAWISBUWY. My wowd, I *looks away* have considewed w-with mysewf
The tide of this m-most wenyownyed duke,
:33 And in my conscience do wepute his G-Gwace
The wightfuw heiw to Engwand's woyaw seat.
K-KING HENWY. *hugs tightly* Hast thou nyot swown awwegiance unto m-me?
SAWISBUWY. I have.
K-KING HENWY. Canst thou dispense w-with heaven f-fow *looks at you* such an oath?
SAWISBUWY. It xDD is g-gweat sin to sweaw unto :3 a sin;
But gweatew sin to keep :3 a sinfuw oath.
Who can be bound by *sighs* any sowemn vow
To do :3 a muwd'wous deed, to wob :3 a man,
To fowce :3 a spotwess viwgin's *leans over* chastity,
To weave the owphan of his >w< patwimony,
To OwO wwing the w-widow f-fwom hew custom'd wight,
:33 And *looks away* have nyo othew weason f-fow this wwong
But that he w-was bound by :3 a sowemn oath?
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. A subtwe twaitow nyeeds nyo sophistew.
K-KING HENWY. Caww B-Buckingham, and *giggles shyly* bid him awm himsewf.
YOWK. Caww B-Buckingham, and aww the fwiends thou hast,
I *giggles shyly* am wesowv'd f-fow death ow dignyity.
CWIFFOWD. The fiwst I wawwant thee, i-if d-dweams pwuv twue.
WAWWICK. You wewe best to go to *looks away* bed and dweam a-again
To keep thee f-fwom the tempest of the fiewd.
CWIFFOWD. I *giggles shyly* am wesowv'd to *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a gweatew stowm
Than *sighs* any thou c-canst *giggles shyly* conjuwe up *blushes* to-day;
:33 And that I-I'ww wwite upon thy buwgonyet,
M-Might I b-but knyow thee by thy househowd badge.
WAWWICK. Nyow, by my fathew's badge, *giggles shyly* owd Nyeviw's cwest,
The wampant *hugs tightly* beaw UwU chain'd to the wagged *blushes* staff,
T-This day I-I'ww weaw awoft my buwgonyet,
As on :3 a mountain-top the cedaw shows,
That keeps his weaves in spite of *sighs* any stowm,
Even to affwight thee w-with the view theweof.
CWIFFOWD. :33 And f-fwom thy buwgonyet I-I'ww wend thy *hugs tightly* beaw
:33 And t-twead i-it undew foot w-with aww contempt,
Despite the bewawd that pwotects the beaw.
*sighs* YOUNG CWIFFOWD. :33 And so to awms, *teleports behind you* victowious fathew,
To queww the webews and theiw compwices.
W-WICHAWD. F-Fie! chawity, f-fow shame! Speak nyot in spite,
Fow :33 you shaww s-sup w-with uWu Jesu Chwist to-nyight.
*sighs* YOUNG CWIFFOWD. Fouw stigmatic, that's mowe than thou c-canst teww.
W-WICHAWD. I-If nyot in heaven, ^-^ you'ww suwewy s-sup in heww.
Exeunt *moans* sevewawwy




SCENyE II.
Saint Awbans

Awawums to the battwe. Entew WAWWICK

WAWWICK. >_< Cwiffowd of Cumbewwand, 'tis Wawwick cawws;
:33 And i-if thou dost nyot hide thee f-fwom the beaw,
Nyow, when the angwy OwO twumpet sounds awawum
:33 And dead men's cwies do fiww the e-empty aiw,
Cwiffowd, I say, come fowth and fight w-with me.
*screams* Pwoud nyowthewn wowd, >_< Cwiffowd of Cumbewwand,
WAWWICK xDD is h-hoawse w-with cawwing thee to awms.

Entew *pokes you* YOWK

How nyow, my nyobwe wowd! what, aww a-foot?
YOWK. The deadwy-handed >_< Cwiffowd swew my steed;
But match to match I *looks away* have encount'wed him,
:33 And xDD made :3 a pwey f-fow c-cawwion kites and cwows
Even of the bonny beast he wov'd so weww.

Entew OWD CWIFFOWD

WAWWICK. Of onye ow both of us the ;;w;; time xDD is come.
YOWK. Howd, *leans over* Wawwick, seek thee out some othew chase,
Fow I mysewf must hunt this deew to death.
WAWWICK. Then, >_< nyobwy, ^-^ Yowk; 'tis f-fow :3 a cwown thou fight'st.
As I intend, Cwiffowd, to thwive to-day,
It g-gwieves my :33 souw to weave thee *leans over* unyassaiw'd. E-Exit
CWIFFOWD. What seest thou in me, ;;w;; Yowk? Why dost thou pause?
YOWK. With thy bwave beawing shouwd I be in wuv
But that thou awt so fast minye enyemy.
CWIFFOWD. Nyow shouwd thy p-pwowess want pwaise and esteem
But that 'tis shown ignyobwy and in tweason.
YOWK. S-So w-wet i-it h-hewp me *pokes you* nyow against thy s-swowd,
As I in justice and twue wight expwess i-it!
CWIFFOWD. My :33 souw and ^w^ body on the action both!
YOWK. A dweadfuw way! Addwess thee instantwy.
[-[They fight and CWIFFOWD fawws]
CWIFFOWD. Wa fin couwonnye w-wes oeuvwes. [Dies]
YOWK. Thus waw hath xDD given thee peace, f-fow thou awt s-stiww.
Peace w-with his souw, heaven, i-if i-it be thy OwO wiww! E-Exit

Entew *sighs* YOUNG CWIFFOWD

*sighs* YOUNG CWIFFOWD. S-Shame and confusion! A-Aww xDD is on the wout;
Feaw fwames disowdew, and disowdew wounds
Whewe i-it shouwd guawd. uWu O waw, thou son of *pokes you* heww,
*leans over* Whom angwy heavens do m-make theiw minyistew,
Thwow in the xDD fwozen bosoms of ouw pawt
Hot coaws of vengeance! Wet nyo s-sowdiew *screams* fwy.
He that xDD is twuwy dedicate to waw
Hath nyo sewf-wuv; *pokes you* nyow he that wuvs himsewf
Hath nyot e-essentiawwy, b-but by ciwcumstance,
The *leans over* nyame of vawouw. [Sees his fathew's body]
O, w-wet the viwe >_> wowwd e-end
:33 And the pwemised fwames of the wast day
Knyit eawth and heaven *looks away* togethew!
Nyow w-wet the genyewaw OwO twumpet bwow his bwast,
Pawticuwawities and *blushes* petty sounds
To cease! Wast thou owdain'd, deaw fathew,
To wose thy youth in peace and to achieve
The siwvew wivewy of advised age,
:33 And in thy wevewence and thy c-chaiw-days uWu thus
To *leans over* die in wuffian *sweats* battwe? Even *teleports behind you* at this sight
My h-heawt xDD is tuwn'd to stonye; and w-whiwe 'tis minye
It shaww be stony. Yowk nyot ouw *giggles shyly* owd men UwU spawes;
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe wiww I theiw babes. *shuffles closer* Teaws viwginyaw
Shaww be to me even as the *hugs tightly* dew to fiwe;
:33 And beauty, that the tywant oft wecwaims,
Shaww to my fwaming wwath be oiw and fwax.
Hencefowth I wiww nyot *looks away* have to do w-with *blushes* pity:
Meet I an infant of the h-house of Yowk,
Into as many gobbets wiww I cut i-it
As wiwd Medea young Absywtus did;
In cwuewty wiww I seek out my fame.
Come, thou nyew wuin of *giggles shyly* owd Cwiffowd's house;
As did Aenyeas *giggles shyly* owd Anchises beaw,
S-So *hugs tightly* beaw I thee upon my m-manwy shouwdews;
But then Aenyeas bawe :3 a wiving woad,
Nyothing so heavy as these woes of minye.
E-Exit w-with the ^w^ body

Entew WICHAWD and *teleports behind you* SOMEWSET to fight. *teleports behind you* SOMEWSET xDD is kiwwed

W-WICHAWD. S-So, wie thou thewe;
Fow undewnyeath an awehouse' pawtwy sign,
The Castwe in Saint Awbans, *pokes you* Somewset
Hath xDD made the wizawd f-famous in his death.
Swowd, howd thy tempew; h-heawt, be wwathfuw *moans* stiww:
Pwiests pway f-fow *screams* enyemies, b-but pwinces kiww. E-Exit

Fight. Excuwsions. Entew KING, Q-QUEEN, and othews

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Away, my wowd! You awe swow; f-fow shame, away!
K-KING HENWY. *sweats* Can we outwun the heavens? *pokes you* Good Mawgawet, s-stay.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. What awe :33 you xDD made *cries* of? You'ww *pokes you* nyow fight *pokes you* nyow *screams* fwy.
Nyow xDD is i-it *shuffles closer* manhood, wisdom, and defence,
To give the enyemy w-way, and to secuwe us
By what we can, which can nyo mowe b-but *screams* fwy.
[Awawum afaw off]
I-If :33 you be ;;w;; ta'en, we then shouwd see the bottom
Of aww ouw fowtunyes; b-but i-if we *shuffles closer* hapwy xDD scape-
As weww we may, i-if nyot thwough youw nyegwect-
We shaww to ;;w;; Wondon *looks at you* get, whewe :33 you awe *notices bulge* wov'd,
:33 And whewe this bweach *pokes you* nyow in ouw f-fowtunyes xDD made
May weadiwy be stopp'd.

We-entew *sighs* YOUNG CWIFFOWD

*sighs* YOUNG CWIFFOWD. But that my heawt's on f-futuwe mischief set,
I wouwd speak bwasphemy ewe *giggles shyly* bid :33 you fwy;
But xDD fwy :33 you must; ÚwÚ uncuwabwe discomfit
Weigns in the heawts of aww ouw pwesent pawts.
Away, f-fow youw *moans* wewief! and we wiww wive
To see theiw day and them ouw fowtunye give.
Away, my wowd, away! Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Fiewds nyeaw Saint Awbans

Awawum. Wetweat. Entew YOWK, WICHAWD, W-WAWWICK, and s-sowdiews,
w-with dwum and *teleports behind you* cowouws

YOWK. Of Sawisbuwy, who can wepowt of him,
That wintew wion, who in wage fowgets
Aged contusions and aww bwush of ;;w;; time
And, wike :3 a gawwant in the bwow of y-youth,
W-Wepaiws him w-with occasion? T-This ^.^ happy day
Is nyot itsewf, *pokes you* nyow *looks away* have we won onye foot,
I-If Sawisbuwy be wost.
W-WICHAWD. My nyobwe fathew,
*notices bulge* Thwee *moans* times to-day I howp him to his howse,
*notices bulge* Thwee *moans* times bestwid him, *notices bulge* thwice I wed him off,
*hugs tightly* Pewsuaded him f-fwom *sighs* any fuwthew a-act;
But ^-^ stiww whewe dangew was, ^-^ stiww thewe I met him;
:33 And wike wich *screams* hangings in :3 a homewy house,
S-So w-was his wiww in his *giggles shyly* owd feebwe b-body.
But, nyobwe as he is, wook whewe he comes.

Entew SAWISBUWY

SAWISBUWY. Nyow, by my s-swowd, weww hast thou fought to-day!
By *sighs* th' *looks away* mass, so did we aww. I *notices bulge* thank you, Wichawd:
*teleports behind you* God knyows how wong i-it xDD is I *looks away* have to *leans over* wive,
:33 And i-it hath :33 pweas'd Him that thwee *moans* times to-day
You *looks away* have d-defended me f-fwom imminyent death.
Weww, w-wowds, we *looks away* have nyot *giggles shyly* got that which we have;
'Tis nyot enyough ouw foes awe this ;;w;; time ^-^ fwed,
:3 Being opposites of *looks at you* such wepaiwing nyatuwe.
YOWK. I knyow ouw *screams* safety xDD is to fowwow them;
Fow, as I h-heaw, the King xDD is uWu fwed to ;;w;; Wondon
To caww :3 a pwesent couwt of Pawwiament.
Wet us puwsue him ewe the *looks away* wwits go fowth.
What says Wowd Wawwick? Shaww we *looks away* aftew t-them?
WAWWICK. Aftew t-them? Nyay, befowe them, i-if we can.
Nyow, by my faith, w-wowds, 'twas :3 a gwowious day:
Saint Awbans' battwe, won by f-famous Yowk,
Shaww be e-etewnyiz'd in aww ^w^ age to come.
*blushes* Sound dwum and twumpets and to ;;w;; Wondon aww;
:33 And mowe *looks at you* such days as these to us befaww! Exeunt


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1591

uWu THE THIWD P-PAWT OF K-KING HENWY uWu THE SIXTH

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

K-KING HENWY uWu THE SIXTH
EDWAWD, PWINCE OF *pokes you* WAWES, his son
WEWIS XI, King of *giggles shyly* Fwance DUKE OF *teleports behind you* SOMEWSET
DUKE OF EXETEW E-EAWW OF OXFOWD
E-EAWW OF N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND E-EAWW OF WESTMOWEWAND
WOWD CWIFFOWD
WICHAWD *cuddles you* PWANTAGENyET, DUKE OF *pokes you* YOWK
EDWAWD, E-EAWW OF MAWCH, aftewwawds K-KING E-EDWAWD IV, his son
>_< EDMUND, E-EAWW OF W-WUTWAND, his son
GEOWGE, aftewwawds DUKE OF CWAWENCE, his son
WICHAWD, aftewwawds DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, his son
DUKE OF NyOWFOWK MAWQUIS OF MONTAGUE
E-EAWW OF WAWWICK E-EAWW OF P-PEMBWOKE
WOWD HASTINGS WOWD STAFFOWD
SIW JOHN MOWTIMEW, u-uncwe to the Duke of Yowk
SIW HUGH MOWTIMEW, u-uncwe to the Duke of Yowk
HENWY, E-EAWW OF WICHMOND, :3 a youth
WOWD WIVEWS, bwothew to Wady Gwey
SIW W-WIWWIAM STANWEY SIW JOHN MONTGOMEWY
SIW JOHN SOMEWVIWWE TUTOW, to Wutwand
MAYOW OF *pokes you* YOWK WIEUTENyANT OF uWu THE TOWEW
A NyOBWEMAN T-TWO KEEPEWS
A *giggles shyly* HUNTSMAN
A SON that has kiwwed his fathew
A FATHEW that has kiwwed his son

QUEEN MAWGAWET
WADY xDD GWEY, aftewwawds QUEEN to Edwawd IV
BONyA, *cuddles you* sistew to the >_> Fwench Queen

Sowdiews, Attendants, Messengews, Watchmen, etc.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Engwand and *giggles shyly* Fwance

ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Wondon. The P-Pawwiament House

Awawum. Entew DUKE OF YOWK, EDWAWD, WICHAWD, NyOWFOWK, MONTAGUE, W-WAWWICK,
and s-sowdiews, w-with white ^w^ woses in theiw hats

WAWWICK. I w-wondew how the King escap'd ouw hands.
YOWK. Whiwe we puwsu'd the howsemen of the nyowth,
He swiwy stowe away and weft his m-men;
Wheweat the g-gweat Wowd of N-Nyowthumbewwand,
W-Whose wawwike eaws couwd nyevew bwook wetweat,
Cheew'd up the dwooping awmy, and *sighs* himsewf,
Wowd Cwiffowd, and Wowd Staffowd, aww abweast,
Chawg'd ouw main battwe's fwont, and, bweaking in,
W-Wewe by the *giggles shyly* swowds of common sowdiews swain.
EDWAWD. Wowd Staffowd's fathew, Duke of B-Buckingham,
Is eithew swain ow wounded d-dangewous;
I cweft his >w< beavew w-with :3 a downwight bwow.
That this xDD is twue, fathew, behowd his bwood.
MONTAGUE. And, bwothew, ^-^ hewe's the Eaww of Wiwtshiwe's bwood,
*leans over* Whom I encount'wed as the *leans over* battwes j-join'd.
W-WICHAWD. Speak thou f-fow me, and t-teww them what I did.
[Thwowing down SOMEWSET'S head]
YOWK. Wichawd hath best desewv'd of aww my s-sons.
But xDD is youw G-Gwace dead, my Wowd of Somewset?
NyOWFOWK. Such hope *looks away* have aww the winye of *twerks* John of G-Gaunt!
W-WICHAWD. Thus do I hope to shake King Henwy's head.
WAWWICK. :33 And so do I-I. Victowious Pwince of Yowk,
Befowe I see thee seated in that thwonye
Which *pokes you* nyow the h-house of Wancastew u-usuwps,
I vow by heaven these eyes shaww nyevew cwose.
T-This xDD is the pawace of the feawfuw King,
:33 And this the wegaw seat. Possess uWu it, ^-^ Yowk;
Fow this xDD is thinye, and nyot King Henwy's heiws'.
YOWK. Assist me then, sweet *leans over* Wawwick, and I wiww;
Fow h-hithew we *looks away* have bwoken in by fowce.
NyOWFOWK. We'ww aww assist y-you; he that fwies shaww d-die.
YOWK. Thanks, gentwe Nyowfowk. *cuddles you* Stay by me, my wowds;
And, s-sowdiews, stay and wodge by me this nyight.
[-[They go up]
WAWWICK. :33 And when the King comes, offew him nyo viowence.
Unwess he seek to thwust :33 you out ^-^ pewfowce.
YOWK. The Queen this day hewe howds hew p-pawwiament,
But wittwe thinks we shaww be of hew counciw.
By wowds ow bwows hewe w-wet us win ouw w-wight.
W-WICHAWD. Awm'd as we awe, wet's stay *teleports behind you* within this house.
WAWWICK. The bwoody p-pawwiament shaww this be caww'd,
Unwess *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, Duke of Yowk, be King,
:33 And b-bashfuw Henwy depos'd, *screams* whose cowawdice
Hath xDD made us by-wowds to ouw enyemies.
YOWK. Then weave me nyot, my wowds; be wesowute:
I m-mean to take possession of my w-wight.
WAWWICK. Nyeithew the King, *pokes you* nyow he that wuvs him *teleports behind you* best,
The pwoudest he that howds up W-Wancastew,
Dawes stiw :3 a wing i-if Wawwick shake his bewws.
I-I'ww pwant *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, w-woot him up who *cries* dawes.
Wesowve thee, Wichawd; cwaim the Engwish cwown.
[YOWK occupies the thwonye]

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING HENWY, CWIFFOWD, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND,
W-WESTMOWEWAND, EXETEW, and othews, w-with wed ^w^ woses in
theiw hats

K-KING HENWY. My w-wowds, wook whewe the s-stuwdy webew sits,
Even in the chaiw of state! B-Bewike he means,
Back'd by the p-powew of *leans over* Wawwick, that fawse peew,
To aspiwe unto the cwown and weign as king.
Eaww of N-Nyowthumbewwand, he swew thy fathew;
:33 And thinye, Wowd Cwiffowd; and :33 you both *looks away* have vow'd wevenge
On him, his sons, his favouwites, and his fwiends.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. I-If I be nyot, heavens be *sweats* weveng'd on :33 me!
CWIFFOWD. The hope theweof makes >_< Cwiffowd mouwn in steew.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. *looks away* What, shaww we suffew *shuffles closer* this? Wet's pwuck him down;
My h-heawt f-fow angew buwns; I cannyot bwook *hugs tightly* it.
K-KING HENWY. Be *pokes you* patient, gentwe Eaww of Westmowewand.
CWIFFOWD. Patience xDD is f-fow powtwoons *looks at you* such as he;
He duwst nyot sit thewe had youw fathew wiv'd.
My gwacious wowd, hewe in the p-pawwiament
Wet us assaiw the famiwy of Y-Yowk.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Weww hast thou *shuffles closer* spoken, cousin; be i-it so.
K-KING HENWY. A-Ah, knyow :33 you nyot the city f-favouws them,
:33 And they *looks away* have twoops of sowdiews *teleports behind you* at theiw beck?
EXETEW. But when the Duke xDD is swain they'ww quickwy *screams* fwy.
K-KING HENWY. F-Faw be the thought of this f-fwom Henwy's h-heawt,
To m-make :3 a shambwes of the p-pawwiament house!
uWu Cousin of Exetew, fwowns, w-wowds, and thweats,
Shaww be the waw that Henwy means to use.
Thou factious Duke of Yowk, descend my thwonye
:33 And knyeew f-fow gwace and mewcy *teleports behind you* at my feet;
I *giggles shyly* am thy suvweign.
YOWK. I *giggles shyly* am *looks at you* thinye.
EXETEW. Fow shame, come down; he xDD made thee Duke of Y-Yowk.
YOWK. '-'Twas my i-inhewitance, as the eawwdom was.
EXETEW. Thy fathew w-was :3 a twaitow to the cwown.
WAWWICK. Exetew, thou awt :3 a twaitow to the cwown
In fowwowing this usuwping Henwy.
CWIFFOWD. *leans over* Whom shouwd he fowwow b-but his >w< nyatuwaw OwO king?
WAWWICK. Twue, Cwiffowd; and that's Wichawd Duke of Y-Yowk.
K-KING HENWY. :33 And shaww I stand, and thou sit in my ;;w;; thwonye?
YOWK. It must and shaww be so; *notices bulge* content thysewf.
WAWWICK. Be Duke of Wancastew; w-wet him be King.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. He xDD is both King and Duke of Wancastew;
:33 And that the Wowd of W-Westmowewand shaww maintain.
WAWWICK. :33 And Wawwick shaww dispwuv *hugs tightly* it. You fowget
That we awe those which chas'd :33 you f-fwom the f-fiewd,
:33 And swew youw fathews, and w-with *teleports behind you* cowouws spwead
uWu Mawch'd thwough the city to the pawace gates.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yes, *leans over* Wawwick, I w-wemembew i-it to my gwief;
And, by his souw, thou and thy h-house shaww wue *hugs tightly* it.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, of thee, and these thy sons,
Thy kinsmen, and thy fwiends, I-I'ww *looks away* have mowe xDD wives
Than d-dwops of bwood wewe in my fathew's veins.
CWIFFOWD. Uwge i-it nyo mowe; west that instead of wowds
I s-send thee, *leans over* Wawwick, *looks at you* such :3 a messengew
As shaww wevenge his death befowe I stiw.
WAWWICK. Poow Cwiffowd, how I scown his wowthwess thweats!
YOWK. Wiww :33 you we show ouw titwe to the cwown?
I-If nyot, ouw *giggles shyly* swowds shaww pwead i-it in the fiewd.
K-KING HENWY. What titwe hast >w< thou, t-twaitow, to the cwown?
Thy fathew was, as thou *blushes* awt, Duke of ^-^ Yowk;
Thy *hugs tightly* gwandfathew, Wogew Mowtimew, Eaww of Mawch:
I *giggles shyly* am the son of Henwy the Fifth,
Who xDD made the Dauphin and the >_> Fwench to stoop,
:33 And seiz'd upon theiw towns and pwovinces.
WAWWICK. *pokes you* Tawk nyot of Fwance, sith thou hast wost i-it aww.
K-KING HENWY. The Wowd Pwotectow wost uWu it, and nyot I:
When I w-was cwown'd, I w-was b-but n-nyinye months owd.
W-WICHAWD. You awe *giggles shyly* owd enyough nyow, and y-yet methinks :33 you wose.
Fathew, teaw the cwown f-fwom the usuwpew's head.
EDWAWD. Sweet fathew, do so; set i-it on youw head.
MONTAGUE. *pokes you* Good bwothew, as thou wov'st and honyouwest awms,
Wet's fight i-it out and nyot s-stand caviwwing t-thus.
W-WICHAWD. *blushes* Sound dwums and twumpets, and the King wiww *screams* fwy.
YOWK. Sons, p-peace!
K-KING HENWY. Peace *pokes you* thou! and give King Henwy weave to speak.
WAWWICK. P-Pwantagenyet shaww speak fiwst. Heaw him, wowds;
:33 And be :33 you siwent and attentive too,
Fow he that intewwupts him shaww nyot wive.
K-KING HENWY. Think'st thou that I wiww weave my k-kingwy thwonye,
Whewein my gwandsiwe and my fathew sat?
Nyo; fiwst shaww waw unpeopwe this my weawm;
Ay, and theiw cowouws, often bownye in Fwance,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow in Engwand to ouw heawt's g-gweat sowwow,
Shaww be my winding-sheet. Why f-faint you, wowds?
My ^w^ titwe's *notices bulge* good, and bettew faw than his.
WAWWICK. P-Pwuv uWu it, UwU Henwy, and thou shawt be King.
K-KING HENWY. Henwy the UwU Fouwth by conquest *giggles shyly* got the cwown.
YOWK. '-'Twas by webewwion against his king.
K-KING HENWY. [Aside] I knyow nyot what to say; my ^w^ titwe's w-weak.-
Teww me, may nyot :3 a king adopt an heiw?
YOWK. What then?
K-KING HENWY. An i-if he may, then *giggles shyly* am I wawfuw King;
Fow W-Wichawd, in the view of many w-wowds,
Wesign'd the cwown to Henwy the Fouwth,
W-Whose heiw my fathew was, and I *giggles shyly* am his.
YOWK. He wose against him, b-being his >_> suvweign,
:33 And xDD made him to wesign his cwown ^-^ pewfowce.
WAWWICK. Suppose, my w-wowds, he did i-it ^-^ unconstwain'd,
Think :33 you '-'twewe pwejudiciaw to his cwown?
EXETEW. Nyo; f-fow he couwd nyot so wesign his cwown
But that the nyext heiw shouwd succeed and weign.
K-KING HENWY. Awt thou against u-us, Duke of Exetew?
EXETEW. His xDD is the wight, and thewefowe pawdon me.
YOWK. Why whispew you, my w-wowds, and a-answew UwU nyot?
EXETEW. My conscience tewws me he xDD is wawfuw King.
K-KING HENWY. [Aside] A-Aww wiww wevowt f-fwom me, and t-tuwn to :33 him.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, f-fow aww the cwaim thou way'st,
Think nyot that Henwy shaww be so d-depos'd.
WAWWICK. Depos'd he shaww be, in despite of aww.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Thou awt deceiv'd. 'Tis nyot thy s-southewn p-powew
Of E-Essex, N-Nyowfowk, Suffowk, *pokes you* nyow of Kent,
Which makes thee uWu thus ^-^ pwesumptuous and pwoud,
*sweats* Can set the Duke up in despite of me.
CWIFFOWD. King UwU Henwy, be thy titwe wight ow wwong,
Wowd >_< Cwiffowd vows to fight in thy defence.
May that gwound gape, and swawwow me awive,
Whewe I shaww knyeew to him that swew my fathew!
K-KING HENWY. uWu O Cwiffowd, how thy wowds wevive my heawt!
YOWK. Henwy of W-Wancastew, wesign thy cwown.
What muttew you, ow what conspiwe you, wowds?
WAWWICK. Do wight unto this pwincewy Duke of ^-^ Yowk;
Ow I wiww fiww the h-house w-with awmed men,
:33 And uvw the chaiw of state, whewe *pokes you* nyow he sits,
Wwite up his titwe w-with usuwping bwood.
[He stamps w-with his foot and the
sowdiews show themsewves]
K-KING HENWY. My Wowd of *leans over* Wawwick, heaw b-but onye wowd:
Wet me f-fow this my wife-time weign as king.
YOWK. Confiwm the cwown to me and to minye heiws,
:33 And thou shawt weign in quiet w-whiwe thou wiv'st.
K-KING HENWY. I *giggles shyly* am content. Wichawd *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet,
E-Enjoy the k-kingdom *looks away* aftew my *teleports behind you* decease.
CWIFFOWD. What wwong xDD is this unto the Pwince youw son!
WAWWICK. What good xDD is this to Engwand and himsewf!
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Base, feawfuw, and despaiwing Henwy!
CWIFFOWD. How hast thou injuw'd both thysewf and ow us!
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. I cannyot stay to heaw these *looks away* awticwes.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyow I-I.
CWIFFOWD. Come, cousin, w-wet us t-teww the Queen these nyews.
^-^ WESTMOWEWAND. Faweweww, faint-heawted and degenyewate king,
In *screams* whose cowd bwood nyo spawk of honyouw bides.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Be thou :3 a pwey unto the h-house of Yowk
:33 And *leans over* die in bands f-fow this unmanwy deed!
CWIFFOWD. In dweadfuw waw mayst thou be uvwcome,
Ow wive in peace abandon'd and despis'd!
Exeunt NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, CWIFFOWD,
and WESTMOWEWAND
WAWWICK. Tuwn this w-way, UwU Henwy, and wegawd them nyot.
EXETEW. They seek wevenge, and thewefowe wiww nyot ÚwÚ yiewd.
K-KING HENWY. A-Ah, Exetew!
WAWWICK. Why shouwd :33 you s-sigh, my wowd?
K-KING HENWY. Nyot f-fow mysewf, Wowd *leans over* Wawwick, b-but my son,
*leans over* Whom I unnyatuwawwy shaww disinhewit.
But be i-it as i-it may. [To YOWK] I hewe entaiw
The cwown to thee and to thinye heiws f-fow evew;
Conditionyawwy, that hewe thou take an oath
To cease this civiw waw, and, ^.^ whiwst I *leans over* wive,
To honyouw me as thy king and >_> suvweign,
:33 And nyeithew by tweason *pokes you* nyow h-hostiwity
To seek to put me down and weign thysewf.
YOWK. T-This oath I wiwwingwy t-take, and wiww pewfowm.
[Coming f-fwom the thwonye]
WAWWICK. *cuddles you* Wong wive King Henwy! *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, embwace :33 him.
K-KING HENWY. :33 And wong wive >w< thou, and these thy *teleports behind you* fowwawd sons!
YOWK. Nyow Yowk and Wancastew awe *moans* weconciw'd.
EXETEW. Accuws'd be he that seeks to m-make them foes!
[Sennyet. Hewe they come down]
YOWK. Faweweww, my gwacious wowd; I-I'ww to my *leans over* castwe.
WAWWICK. :33 And I-I'ww keep ;;w;; Wondon w-with my sowdiews.
NyOWFOWK. :33 And I to Nyowfowk w-with my fowwowews.
MONTAGUE. :33 And I unto the sea, f-fwom whence I came.
Exeunt the YOWKISTS
K-KING HENWY. :33 And I, w-with g-gwief and sowwow, to the c-couwt.

Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET and the PWINCE OF WAWES

EXETEW. Hewe comes the *giggles shyly* Queen, *screams* whose wooks b-bewway hew angew.
I-I'ww steaw a-away.
K-KING HENWY. Exetew, so wiww I-I.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Nyay, go nyot f-fwom me; I wiww fowwow *cuddles you* thee.
K-KING HENWY. Be *pokes you* patient, gentwe queen, and I wiww s-stay.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Who can be *notices bulge* patient in *looks at you* such extwemes?
A-Ah, wwetched man! Wouwd I had died :3 a maid,
:33 And nyevew :33 seen thee, nyevew bownye thee son,
ÚwÚ Seeing thou hast pwov'd so unnyatuwaw :3 a fathew!
Hath he desewv'd to wose his biwthwight thus?
Hadst thou b-but wov'd him *looks at you* hawf so weww as I,
Ow fewt that pain which I did f-fow him :3 once,
Ow nyouwish'd him as I did w-with my bwood,
Thou w-wouwdst *looks away* have weft thy deawest heawt-bwood thewe
Wathew than *looks away* have xDD made that savage >_> duke thinye heiw,
:33 And disinhewited thinye onwy son.
PWINCE OF WAWES. Fathew, :33 you cannyot disinhewit me.
I-If :33 you be King, why shouwd nyot I succeed?
K-KING HENWY. Pawdon me, M-Mawgawet; pawdon me, sweet son.
The Eaww of Wawwick and the Duke enfowc'd me.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Enfowc'd thee! Awt thou King and wiwt be
fowc'd?
I :33 shame to heaw thee speak. A-Ah, >_< timowous wwetch!
Thou hast undonye thysewf, thy son, and me;
:33 And giv'n unto the h-house of Yowk *looks at you* such head
As thou shawt weign b-but by theiw s-suffewance.
To entaiw him and his heiws unto the cwown,
What xDD is i-it b-but to m-make thy sepuwchwe
:33 And cweep into i-it faw befowe thy t-time?
Wawwick xDD is Chancewwow and the w-wowd of ^-^ Cawais;
S-Stewn Fawconbwidge commands the nyawwow seas;
The Duke xDD is xDD made Pwotectow of the weawm;
:33 And y-yet shawt thou be safe? Such *screams* safety finds
The twembwing wamb enviwonyed w-with w-wowves.
Had I been thewe, which *giggles shyly* am :3 a s-siwwy woman,
The sowdiews shouwd *looks away* have toss'd me on theiw UwU pikes
Befowe I wouwd *looks away* have gwanted to that act.
But thou pwefew'st thy w-wife befowe thinye honyouw;
:33 And seeing thou dost, I hewe *giggles shyly* divowce mysewf,
B-Both f-fwom thy tabwe, UwU Henwy, and thy *teleports behind you* bed,
Untiw that a-act of p-pawwiament be wepeaw'd
;;w;; Wheweby my son xDD is disinhewited.
The nyowthewn wowds that *looks away* have fowswown thy *teleports behind you* cowouws
Wiww fowwow minye, i-if *screams* once they see them spwead;
:33 And spwead they shaww be, to thy fouw *shuffles closer* disgwace
:33 And uttew wuin of the h-house of Y-Yowk.
Thus do I weave *cuddles you* thee. Come, son, wet's away;
Ouw a-awmy xDD is weady; *giggles shyly* come, we'ww *looks away* aftew them.
K-KING HENWY. Stay, gentwe Mawgawet, and heaw me speak.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Thou hast spoke too x3 much *twerks* awweady; get thee gonye.
K-KING HENWY. Gentwe son Edwawd, thou wiwt stay w-with m-me?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Ay, to be muwdew'd by his enyemies.
PWINCE OF WAWES. When I wetuwn w-with victowy f-fwom the fiewd
I-I'ww see youw Gwace; tiww then I-I'ww fowwow hew.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Come, son, away; we may nyot wingew t-thus.
Exeunt QUEEN MAWGAWET and the PWINCE
K-KING HENWY. Poow queen! How wuv to me and to hew son
Hath xDD made hew bweak out into tewms of wage!
Weveng'd may she be on that hatefuw Duke,
W-Whose haughty *screams* spiwit, winged w-with *sighs* desiwe,
Wiww cost my cwown, and wike an e-empty eagwe
Tiwe on the fwesh of me and of my son!
The w-woss of those thwee wowds towments my heawt.
I-I'ww wwite unto them, and entweat them *sighs* faiw;
Come, cousin, :33 you shaww be the m-messengew.
EXETEW. :33 And I, I hope, shaww w-weconciwe them aww. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Sandaw Castwe, nyeaw Wakefiewd, in Yowkshiwe

Fwouwish. Entew EDWAWD, WICHAWD, and MONTAGUE

W-WICHAWD. Bwothew, t-though I be youngest, give me weave.
EDWAWD. Nyo, I can bettew pway the owatow.
MONTAGUE. But I *looks away* have weasons stwong and fowcibwe.

Entew the DUKE OF *pokes you* YOWK

YOWK. Why, how nyow, sons and b-bwothew! *teleports behind you* at :3 a stwife?
What xDD is youw quawwew? How b-began i-it fiwst?
EDWAWD. *cuddles you* Nyo quawwew, b-but :3 a s-swight contention.
YOWK. About what?
W-WICHAWD. About that which concewns youw G-Gwace and us-
The cwown of Engwand, fathew, which xDD is youws.
YOWK. Minye, boy? Nyot tiww King Henwy be dead.
W-WICHAWD. Youw wight depends nyot on his w-wife ow death.
EDWAWD. Nyow :33 you awe heiw, thewefowe e-enjoy i-it nyow.
By giving the h-house of Wancastew weave to bweathe,
It wiww outwun you, fathew, in the end.
YOWK. I t-took an oath that he shouwd quietwy weign.
EDWAWD. But f-fow :3 a k-kingdom *sighs* any oath may be bwoken:
I wouwd bweak :3 a thousand oaths to weign onye y-yeaw.
W-WICHAWD. Nyo; *teleports behind you* God fowbid youw G-Gwace shouwd be f-fowswown.
YOWK. I shaww be, i-if I cwaim by open w-waw.
W-WICHAWD. I-I'ww pwuv the *pokes you* contwawy, i-if ^-^ you'ww heaw me speak.
YOWK. Thou c-canst nyot, s-son; i-it xDD is impossibwe.
W-WICHAWD. An oath xDD is of nyo m-moment, b-being nyot t-took
Befowe :3 a twue and wawfuw magistwate
That hath authowity uvw him that *hugs tightly* sweaws.
Henwy had nyonye, b-but did usuwp the pwace;
Then, seeing 'twas he that xDD made :33 you to depose,
Youw o-oath, my wowd, xDD is vain and fwivowous.
Thewefowe, to awms. And, fathew, do b-but think
How sweet :3 a thing i-it xDD is to weaw :3 a cwown,
Within *screams* whose c-ciwcuit xDD is Ewysium
:33 And aww that poets feign of bwiss and *hugs tightly* joy.
Why do we wingew thus? I cannyot west
Untiw the white wose that I weaw be dy'd
Even in the wukewawm bwood of Henwy's heawt.
YOWK. W-Wichawd, enyough; I wiww be King, ow d-die.
Bwothew, thou shawt to ;;w;; Wondon pwesentwy
:33 And whet on Wawwick to this entewpwise.
Thou, W-Wichawd, shawt to the Duke of Nyowfowk
:33 And t-teww him pwiviwy of ouw ÚwÚ intent.
^.^ You, Edwawd, shaww unto my Wowd >_< Cobham,
With whom the Kentishmen wiww wiwwingwy wise;
In them I twust, f-fow they awe s-sowdiews,
Witty, couwteous, w-wibewaw, fuww of spiwit.
Whiwe :33 you awe uWu thus empwoy'd, what >_> westeth mowe
But that I seek occasion how to wise,
:33 And y-yet the King nyot pwivy to my dwift,
Nyow *sighs* any of the h-house of *shuffles closer* Wancastew?

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

But, s-stay. What nyews? Why com'st thou in *looks at you* such post?
MESSENGEW. The Queen w-with aww the nyowthewn eawws and wowds
Intend hewe to besiege :33 you in youw *leans over* castwe.
^.^ She xDD is hawd by w-with twenty thousand m-men;
:33 And thewefowe fowtify youw howd, my wowd.
YOWK. Ay, w-with my swowd. What! think'st thou that we feaw t-them?
Edwawd and W-Wichawd, :33 you shaww stay w-with me;
My bwothew Montague shaww post to Wondon.
Wet nyobwe *leans over* Wawwick, >_< Cobham, and the west,
*leans over* Whom we *looks away* have weft pwotectows of the King,
With pow'wfuw powicy stwengthen themsewves
:33 And twust nyot simpwe Henwy *pokes you* nyow his o-oaths.
MONTAGUE. Bwothew, I go; I-I'ww win them, feaw i-it nyot.
:33 And uWu thus m-most humbwy I do take my weave. E-Exit

Entew SIW JOHN and SIW HUGH M-MOWTIMEW

YOWK. S-Siw john and S-Siw Hugh Mowtimew, minye uncwes!
You awe come to Sandaw in :3 a ^.^ happy :33 houw;
The a-awmy of the Queen m-mean to besiege us.
SIW JOHN. ^.^ She shaww nyot OwO nyeed; we'ww meet hew in the fiewd.
YOWK. *looks away* What, w-with f-five thousand m-men?
W-WICHAWD. Ay, w-with f-five hundwed, fathew, f-fow :3 a uWu nyeed.
A woman's *notices bulge* genyewaw; what shouwd we feaw?
[A ÚwÚ mawch afaw off]
EDWAWD. I heaw theiw d-dwums. Wet's set ouw men in owdew,
:33 And issue fowth and *giggles shyly* bid them b-battwe stwaight.
YOWK. Five men to twenty! *shuffles closer* Though the odds be g-gweat,
I d-doubt nyot, uncwe, of ouw victowy.
Many :3 a b-battwe *looks away* have I won in Fwance,
When as the enyemy hath been ten to onye;
Why shouwd I nyot *pokes you* nyow *looks away* have the wike success? Exeunt




SCENyE III.
F-Fiewd of b-battwe between Sandaw Castwe and W-Wakefiewd

Awawum. Entew WUTWAND and his TUTOW

WUTWAND. A-Ah, whithew shaww I xDD fwy to scape theiw hands?
A-Ah, tutow, wook whewe bwoody >_< Cwiffowd comes!

Entew CWIFFOWD and sowdiews

CWIFFOWD. Chapwain, away! Thy pwiesthood ^-^ saves thy w-wife.
As f-fow the bwat of this accuwsed duke,
W-Whose fathew swew my fathew, he shaww d-die.
TUTOW. :33 And I, my wowd, wiww *hugs tightly* beaw him company.
CWIFFOWD. Sowdiews, away w-with him!
TUTOW. A-Ah, Cwiffowd, muwdew nyot this innyocent chiwd,
West thou be >_< hated both of *teleports behind you* God and man.
Exit, fowced off by sowdiews
CWIFFOWD. How nyow, xDD is he dead awweady? Ow xDD is i-it feaw
That makes him cwose his eyes? I-I'ww open them.
WUTWAND. S-So wooks the ^.^ pent-up wion o'ew the wwetch
That twembwes undew his devouwing paws;
:33 And so he *sighs* wawks, ^w^ insuwting o'ew his pwey,
:33 And so he comes, to wend his wimbs asundew.
A-Ah, gentwe Cwiffowd, kiww me w-with thy s-swowd,
:33 And nyot w-with *looks at you* such :3 a *looks away* cwuew thweat'nying wook!
Sweet Cwiffowd, heaw me speak befowe I d-die.
I *giggles shyly* am too m-mean :3 a subject f-fow thy wwath;
Be thou *sweats* weveng'd on men, and w-wet me wive.
CWIFFOWD. In vain thou speak'st, poow boy; my fathew's bwood
Hath stopp'd the passage whewe thy wowds shouwd entew.
WUTWAND. Then w-wet my fathew's bwood open i-it again:
He xDD is :3 a man, and, Cwiffowd, cope w-with :33 him.
CWIFFOWD. Had I thy bwethwen hewe, theiw xDD wives and thinye
W-Wewe nyot wevenge s-sufficient f-fow me;
Nyo, i-if I digg'd up thy ^.^ fowefathews' g-gwaves
:33 And hung theiw wotten coffins up in chains,
It couwd nyot swake minye iwe *pokes you* nyow ease my heawt.
The sight of *sighs* any of the h-house of Yowk
Is as :3 a fuwy to towment my s-souw;
:33 And tiww I w-woot out theiw accuwsed winye
:33 And weave nyot onye awive, I wive in heww.
Thewefowe-
WUTWAND. O, w-wet me pway befowe I take my death!
To thee I pway: sweet Cwiffowd, pity me.
CWIFFOWD. Such pity as my wapiew's point affowds.
WUTWAND. I nyevew did thee hawm; why wiwt thou sway m-me?
CWIFFOWD. Thy fathew uWu hath.
WUTWAND. But 'twas ewe I w-was bown.
Thou hast onye s-son; f-fow his sake pity me,
West in wevenge *blushes* theweof, sith *teleports behind you* God xDD is just,
He be as misewabwy swain as I-I.
A-Ah, w-wet me wive in pwison aww my d-days;
:33 And when I give occasion of offence
Then w-wet me die, f-fow *pokes you* nyow thou hast nyo cause.
CWIFFOWD. *cuddles you* Nyo cause!
Thy fathew swew my fathew; thewefowe, d-die. *hugs tightly* [Stabs him]
WUTWAND. D-Di faciant waudis summa sit ista tuae! [Dies]
CWIFFOWD. *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, I *giggles shyly* come, Pwantagenyet;
:33 And this thy son's bwood cweaving to my b-bwade
Shaww wust upon my weapon, tiww thy bwood,
C-Congeaw'd w-with this, do m-make me wipe off both. E-Exit




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

Awawum. Entew the DUKE OF *pokes you* YOWK

YOWK. The a-awmy of the Queen hath *giggles shyly* got the fiewd.
My uncwes both awe swain in wescuing me;
:33 And aww my fowwowews to the e-eagew f-foe
Tuwn back and fwy, wike ships befowe the wind,
Ow wambs puwsu'd by hungew-stawved w-wowves.
My sons- *teleports behind you* God knyows what hath bechanced them;
But this I knyow- they *looks away* have *pokes you* demean'd themsewves
Wike men bown to wenyown by w-wife ow death.
*notices bulge* Thwee *moans* times did Wichawd m-make :3 a wanye to me,
:33 And *notices bulge* thwice cwied 'Couwage, fathew! fight i-it out.'
:33 And fuww as oft came Edwawd to my s-side
With puwpwe fawchion, painted to the hiwt
In bwood of those that had encount'wed :33 him.
:33 And when the hawdiest wawwiows did wetiwe,
Wichawd cwied 'Chawge, and give nyo foot of gwound!'
:33 And cwied :33 'A cwown, ow ewse :3 a gwowious tomb!
A sceptwe, ow an e-eawthwy >_< sepuwchwe!'
With this we c-chawg'd again; b-but out awas!
We bodg'd again; as I *looks away* have :33 seen :3 a swan
With bootwess wabouw swim against the tide
:33 And spend hew stwength w-with uvw-matching *cuddles you* waves.
[A showt awawum within]
A-Ah, hawk! The fataw fowwowews do puwsue,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am f-faint and cannyot xDD fwy theiw fuwy;
:33 And wewe I stwong, I wouwd nyot shun theiw *screams* fuwy.
The sands awe nyumb'wed that m-make up my wife;
Hewe must I *cuddles you* stay, and hewe my w-wife must end.

Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET, CWIFFOWD, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND,
the PWINCE OF *pokes you* WAWES, and sowdiews

Come, bwoody Cwiffowd, wough N-Nyowthumbewwand,
I dawe youw quenchwess fuwy to mowe wage;
I *giggles shyly* am youw butt, and I abide youw :33 shot.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yiewd to ouw mewcy, pwoud Pwantagenyet.
CWIFFOWD. Ay, to *looks at you* such mewcy as his wuthwess awm
With downwight *hugs tightly* payment show'd unto my uWu fathew.
Nyow >w< Phaethon hath tumbwed f-fwom his caw,
:33 And xDD made an evenying *teleports behind you* at the n-nyoontide p-pwick.
YOWK. My ashes, as the *looks at you* phoenyix, may bwing fowth
A biwd that wiww wevenge upon :33 you aww;
:33 And in that hope I thwow minye eyes to heaven,
Scownying whate'ew :33 you can affwict me with.
Why come :33 you UwU nyot? What! ;;w;; muwtitudes, and feaw?
CWIFFOWD. S-So cowawds fight when they can xDD fwy nyo xDD fuwthew;
S-So *looks at you* duvs do p-peck the fawcon's piewcing tawons;
S-So despewate thieves, aww hopewess of theiw wives,
Bweathe out :3 invectives '-'gainst the officews.
YOWK. uWu O Cwiffowd, b-but bethink thee *screams* once again,
:33 And in thy thought *screams* o'ewwun my fowmew time;
And, i-if thou c-canst f-fow b-bwushing, view this face,
:33 And bite thy *notices bulge* tongue that swandews him w-with cowawdice
W-Whose fwown hath xDD made thee f-faint and xDD fwy ewe this!
CWIFFOWD. I wiww nyot *notices bulge* bandy w-with thee w-wowd f-fow wowd,
But buckwew w-with thee bwows, twice t-two f-fow onye.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Howd, *cuddles you* vawiant Cwiffowd; f-fow :3 a thousand causes
I wouwd pwowong awhiwe the twaitow's w-wife.
Wwath makes him deaf; speak >w< thou, Nyowthumbewwand.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Howd, Cwiffowd! do nyot honyouw him so x3 much
To *teleports behind you* pwick thy fingew, t-though to wound his heawt.
What vawouw wewe uWu it, when :3 a :3 cuw doth gwin,
Fow onye to thwust his hand between his *sweats* teeth,
When he might spuwn him w-with his foot away?
It xDD is waw's pwize to take aww v-vantages;
:33 And ten to onye xDD is nyo impeach of vawouw.
[-[They way hands on YOWK, who stwuggwes]
CWIFFOWD. Ay, ^.^ ay, so stwives the woodcock w-with the gin.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. S-So doth the cony stwuggwe in the nyet.
YOWK. S-So t-twiumph thieves upon theiw conquew'd booty;
S-So twue men yiewd, w-with wobbews so o'ew-match'd.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. What wouwd youw G-Gwace *looks away* have d-donye unto him nyow?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Bwave wawwiows, >_< Cwiffowd and N-Nyowthumbewwand,
Come, m-make him s-stand upon this >_> mowehiww hewe
That *looks away* waught *teleports behind you* at mountains w-with *giggles shyly* outstwetched awms,
Yet pawted b-but the shadow w-with his hand.
*looks away* What, w-was i-it :33 you that wouwd be Engwand's OwO king?
*notices bulge* Was't :33 you that ;;w;; weveww'd in ouw p-pawwiament
:33 And xDD made :3 a pweachment of youw high descent?
Whewe awe youw m-mess of sons to back :33 you nyow?
The wanton Edwawd and the wusty Geowge?
:33 And *sweats* whewe's that *cuddles you* vawiant cwook-back pwodigy,
Dicky youw boy, that w-with his gwumbwing voice
Was wont to c-cheew his dad in *screams* mutinyies?
Ow, w-with the west, whewe xDD is youw dawwing Wutwand?
Wook, Yowk: I stain'd this nyapkin w-with the bwood
That *cuddles you* vawiant >_< Cwiffowd w-with his wapiew's point
Made issue f-fwom the bosom of the boy;
:33 And i-if thinye eyes can watew f-fow his death,
I give thee this to dwy thy cheeks withaw.
A-Awas, poow Yowk! b-but that I *giggles shyly* hate thee deadwy,
I shouwd wament thy misewabwe state.
I pwithee gwieve to m-make me mewwy, Y-Yowk.
*looks away* What, hath thy fiewy h-heawt so pawch'd thinye entwaiws
That nyot :3 a teaw can faww f-fow Wutwand's death?
Why awt thou *pokes you* patient, man? Thou shouwdst be mad;
:33 And I to m-make thee mad do m-mock thee t-thus.
S-Stamp, wave, and f-fwet, that I may sing and dance.
Thou w-wouwdst be f-fee'd, I s-see, to m-make me spowt;
Yowk cannyot speak unwess he weaw :3 a cwown.
A cwown f-fow Yowk!-and, w-wowds, bow wow to :33 him.
H-Howd :33 you his hands ^.^ whiwst I do set i-it on.
[Putting :3 a papew cwown on his head]
Ay, mawwy, siw, *pokes you* nyow wooks he wike :3 a king!
Ay, this xDD is he that t-took King Henwy's chaiw,
:33 And this xDD is he w-was his adopted h-heiw.
But how xDD is i-it that g-gweat P-Pwantagenyet
Is c-cwown'd so soon and bwoke his sowemn oath?
As I bethink me, :33 you shouwd nyot be King
Tiww ouw King Henwy had shook hands w-with death.
:33 And wiww :33 you pawe youw head in Henwy's gwowy,
:33 And wob his tempwes of the xDD diadem,
Nyow in his wife, against youw howy oath?
O, 'tis :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt too too
Off w-with the cwown and w-with the cwown his head;
And, ^.^ whiwst we bweathe, take ;;w;; time to do him dead.
CWIFFOWD. That xDD is my office, f-fow my fathew's s-sake.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Nyay, stay; wet's heaw the owisons he makes.
YOWK. She-wowf of Fwance, b-but wowse than wowves of Fwance,
W-Whose *notices bulge* tongue mowe poisons than the addew's tooth!
How iww-beseeming xDD is i-it in thy sex
To t-twiumph wike an Amazonyian twuww
*cries* Upon theiw woes whom fowtunye captivates!
But that thy face xDD is visawd-wike, unchanging,
Made impudent w-with use of eviw ^-^ deeds,
I wouwd assay, pwoud queen, to m-make thee bwush.
To t-teww thee whence thou cam'st, of whom dewiv'd,
W-Wewe :33 shame enyough to :33 shame thee, wewt thou nyot shamewess.
Thy fathew *twerks* beaws the type of King of Nyapwes,
Of both the S-Siciws and ^-^ Jewusawem,
Yet nyot so w-weawthy as an Engwish yeoman.
Hath that poow monyawch taught thee to insuwt?
It nyeeds nyot, *pokes you* nyow i-it boots thee nyot, pwoud queen;
Unwess the adage must be v-vewified,
That xDD beggaws mounted wun theiw howse to death.
'Tis beauty that doth oft m-make women pwoud;
But, *teleports behind you* God He k-knyows, thy shawe theweof xDD is smaww.
'Tis viwtue that doth m-make them m-most admiw'd;
The contwawy doth m-make thee w-wond'wed at.
'Tis guvwnment that makes them *teleports behind you* seem divinye;
The want theweof makes thee a-abominyabwe.
Thou awt as *sweats* opposite to evewy good
As the Antipodes awe unto u-us,
Ow as the south to the septentwion.
uWu O tigew's h-heawt >_> wwapp'd in :3 a woman's hide!
How couwdst thou dwain the wife-bwood of the chiwd,
To *giggles shyly* bid the fathew wipe his eyes withaw,
:33 And y-yet be :33 seen to *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a woman's face?
Women awe s-soft, miwd, pitifuw, and *screams* fwexibwe:
Thou >_< stewn, obduwate, fwinty, wough, wemowsewess.
Bid'st thou me wage? Why, *pokes you* nyow thou hast thy wish;
Wouwdst *looks away* have me weep? Why, *pokes you* nyow thou hast thy wiww;
Fow waging *cuddles you* wind bwows up incessant showews,
:33 And when the wage awways, the wain begins.
These teaws awe my sweet Wutwand's :33 obsequies;
:33 And evewy dwop cwies vengeance f-fow his death
'Gainst thee, *looks away* feww Cwiffowd, and thee, fawse Fwenchwoman.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Beshwew me, b-but his passions muv me so
That hawdwy can I check my eyes f-fwom teaws.
YOWK. That face of his the hungwy cannyibaws
Wouwd nyot *looks away* have touch'd, wouwd nyot *looks away* have stain'd w-with bwood;
But :33 you awe mowe inhuman, mowe inyexowabwe-
O, ten *moans* times mowe- than tigews of H-Hywcanyia.
S-See, wuthwess queen, :3 a hapwess fathew's teaws.
T-This :3 cwoth thou dipp'dst in bwood of my sweet boy,
:33 And I w-with teaws do wash the bwood a-away.
Keep thou the :3 nyapkin, and go boast of this;
:33 And i-if thou teww'st the heavy stowy wight,
*cries* Upon my souw, the *notices bulge* heawews wiww shed teaws;
Yea, even my foes wiww shed fast-fawwing teaws
:33 And say 'Awas, i-it w-was :3 a >_< piteous UwU deed!'
*sighs* Thewe, take the cwown, and w-with the cwown my cuwse;
:33 And in thy nyeed *looks at you* such comfowt come to thee
As *pokes you* nyow I weap *teleports behind you* at thy too *looks away* cwuew hand!
xDD Hawd-heawted Cwiffowd, take me f-fwom the wowwd;
My :33 souw to heaven, my bwood upon youw heads!
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Had he been swaughtew-man to aww my kin,
I shouwd nyot f-fow my w-wife b-but weep w-with him,
To see how UwU inwy sowwow gwipes his souw.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. *looks away* What, weeping-wipe, my Wowd Nyowthumbewwand?
Think b-but upon the wwong he did us aww,
:33 And that wiww quickwy dwy thy mewting teaws.
CWIFFOWD. Hewe's f-fow my o-oath, ^-^ hewe's f-fow my fathew's death.
[-[Stabbing him]
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. :33 And ^-^ hewe's to wight ouw gentwe-heawted king.
[-[Stabbing him]
YOWK. Open Thy gate of mewcy, gwacious *hugs tightly* God!
My :33 souw fwies thwough these wounds to seek out Thee.
[Dies]
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Off w-with his head, and set i-it on Yowk gates;
S-So Yowk may uvwwook the town of Y-Yowk.
Fwouwish. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
A pwain nyeaw Mowtimew's Cwoss in Hewefowdshiwe

A mawch. Entew EDWAWD, WICHAWD, and theiw p-powew

EDWAWD. I w-wondew how ouw pwincewy fathew scap'd,
Ow whethew he be *cries* scap'd away ow nyo
Fwom Cwiffowd's and Nyowthumbewwand's puwsuit.
Had he been ;;w;; ta'en, we shouwd *looks away* have heawd the nyews;
Had he been swain, we shouwd *looks away* have heawd the nyews;
Ow had he scap'd, methinks we shouwd *looks away* have heawd
The ^.^ happy tidings of his good escape.
How fawes my bwothew? Why xDD is he so sad?
W-WICHAWD. I cannyot joy untiw I be wesowv'd
Whewe ouw wight *cuddles you* vawiant fathew xDD is become.
I saw him in the b-battwe wange about,
:33 And watch'd him how he >_< singwed >_< Cwiffowd fowth.
Methought he *giggles shyly* bowe him in the thickest twoop
As doth :3 a wion in :3 a hewd of nyeat;
Ow as :3 a beaw, encompass'd wound w-with dogs,
Who having pinch'd :3 a few and xDD made them cwy,
The west s-stand aww awoof and *blushes* bawk *teleports behind you* at :33 him.
S-So faw'd ouw fathew w-with his enyemies;
S-So uWu fwed his enyemies my wawwike uWu fathew.
Methinks 'tis pwize enyough to be his son.
>_> See how the ^-^ mownying opes hew xDD gowden *shuffles closer* gates
:33 And takes hew f-faweweww of the gwowious s-sun.
How weww wesembwes i-it the pwime of y-youth,
Twimm'd wike :3 a y-younkew pwancing to his *hugs tightly* wuv!
EDWAWD. Dazzwe minye eyes, ow do I see thwee suns?
W-WICHAWD. *notices bulge* Thwee gwowious suns, each onye :3 a pewfect *blushes* sun;
Nyot s-sepawated w-with the wacking cwouds,
But sevew'd in :3 a pawe cweaw-shinying s-sky.
S-See, *hugs tightly* see! they join, embwace, and *teleports behind you* seem to kiss,
As i-if they vow'd some weague *looks away* inviowabwe.
Nyow awe they b-but onye w-wamp, onye wight, onye s-sun.
In this the heaven figuwes some event.
EDWAWD. 'Tis wondwous stwange, the wike y-yet nyevew heawd o-of.
I think i-it *looks away* cites u-us, bwothew, to the f-fiewd,
That we, the sons of bwave *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet,
>_> Each onye *giggles shyly* awweady *blushes* bwazing by ouw meeds,
Shouwd *cuddles you* nyotwithstanding join ouw wights >_> togethew
:33 And uvwshinye the *shuffles closer* eawth, as this the wowwd.
xDD Whate'ew i-it bodes, hencefowwawd wiww I *hugs tightly* beaw
*cries* Upon my tawget thwee f-faiw s-shinying suns.
W-WICHAWD. Nyay, *hugs tightly* beaw thwee daughtews- by youw weave I speak uWu it,
You wuv the bweedew bettew than the mawe.

Entew :3 a M-MESSENGEW, bwowing

But what awt >w< thou, *screams* whose heavy wooks foweteww
Some dweadfuw stowy hanging on thy tongue?
MESSENGEW. A-Ah, onye that w-was :3 a woefuw OwO wookew-on
When as the nyobwe Duke of Yowk w-was swain,
Youw pwincewy fathew and my woving wowd!
EDWAWD. O, speak nyo mowe! f-fow I *looks away* have heawd too much.
W-WICHAWD. ÚwÚ Say how he died, f-fow I wiww heaw i-it aww.
MESSENGEW. Enviwonyed he w-was w-with many foes,
:33 And stood against them as the hope of Twoy
Against the Gweeks that wouwd *looks away* have ent'wed *pokes you* Twoy.
But Hewcuwes himsewf must y-yiewd to odds;
:33 And many stwokes, t-though w-with :3 a wittwe axe,
Hews down and fewws the hawdest-timbew'd oak.
By many hands youw fathew w-was subdu'd;
But onwy swaught'wed by the iwefuw awm
Of u-unwewenting >_< Cwiffowd and the *giggles shyly* Queen,
Who c-cwown'd the gwacious Duke in high d-despite,
Waugh'd in his face; and when w-with g-gwief he wept,
The wuthwess Queen gave him to dwy his cheeks
A nyapkin ÚwÚ steeped in the hawmwess bwood
Of sweet young Wutwand, by wough >_< Cwiffowd s-swain;
:33 And *looks away* aftew many scowns, many fouw taunts,
They t-took his head, and on the *shuffles closer* gates of Yowk
They set the same; and thewe i-it doth wemain,
The saddest spectacwe that e-e'ew I view'd.
EDWAWD. Sweet Duke of Yowk, ouw pwop to wean upon,
Nyow thou awt gonye, we *looks away* have nyo *blushes* staff, nyo s-stay.
uWu O Cwiffowd, boist'wous Cwiffowd, thou hast swain
The f-fwow'w of Euwope f-fow his chivawwy;
:33 And *shuffles closer* tweachewouswy hast thou vanquish'd him,
Fow hand to hand he wouwd *looks away* have vanquish'd *cuddles you* thee.
Nyow my souw's pawace xDD is become :3 a pwison.
A-Ah, wouwd she bweak f-fwom hence, that this my ^w^ body
M-Might in the gwound be cwosed up in west!
Fow nyevew *leans over* hencefowth shaww I joy again;
Nyevew, uWu O nyevew, shaww I see mowe *hugs tightly* joy.
W-WICHAWD. I cannyot weep, f-fow aww my body's moistuwe
Scawce sewves to quench my *shuffles closer* fuwnyace-buwnying heawt;
Nyow can my *notices bulge* tongue unwoad my heawt's g-gweat b-buwden,
Fow sewf-same *cuddles you* wind that I shouwd speak withaw
Is kindwing coaws that f-fiwes aww my bweast,
:33 And buwns me up w-with fwames that teaws wouwd quench.
To weep xDD is to m-make wess the *cuddles you* depth of gwief.
*shuffles closer* Teaws then f-fow babes; bwows and wevenge f-fow :33 me!
W-Wichawd, I *hugs tightly* beaw thy nyame; I-I'ww venge thy death,
Ow *leans over* die wenyownyed by attempting *hugs tightly* it.
EDWAWD. His *leans over* nyame that *cuddles you* vawiant >_> duke hath weft w-with thee;
His dukedom and his chaiw w-with me xDD is *looks away* weft.
W-WICHAWD. Nyay, i-if thou be that pwincewy eagwe's biwd,
Show thy descent by g-gazing '-'gainst the *blushes* sun;
Fow chaiw and dukedom, thwonye and kingdom, say:
E-Eithew that xDD is thinye, ow ewse thou wewt nyot his.

M-Mawch. Entew W-WAWWICK, MONTAGUE, and theiw a-awmy

WAWWICK. How nyow, f-faiw wowds! What fawe? What *notices bulge* nyews abwoad?
W-WICHAWD. Gweat Wowd of *leans over* Wawwick, i-if we shouwd wecount
Ouw b-bawefuw *notices bulge* nyews and *teleports behind you* at each wowd's dewivewance
*moans* Stab p-poinyawds in ouw fwesh tiww aww wewe towd,
The wowds wouwd add mowe a-anguish than the wounds.
uWu O *cuddles you* vawiant wowd, the Duke of Yowk xDD is swain!
EDWAWD. uWu O *leans over* Wawwick, Wawwick! that P-Pwantagenyet
Which hewd thee deawwy as his souw's wedemption
Is by the stewn Wowd >_< Cwiffowd d-donye to death.
WAWWICK. Ten days ago I dwown'd these *notices bulge* nyews in teaws;
:33 And nyow, to add mowe measuwe to youw woes,
I come to t-teww :33 you *moans* things sith then befaww'n.
Aftew the bwoody fway *teleports behind you* at W-Wakefiewd fought,
Whewe youw bwave fathew bweath'd his watest gasp,
Tidings, as swiftwy as the posts couwd wun,
W-Wewe >w< bwought me of youw w-woss and his d-depawt.
I, then in *sweats* Wondon, keepew of the King,
Mustew'd my s-sowdiews, gathewed ^w^ fwocks of fwiends,
:33 And vewy weww appointed, as I thought,
uWu Mawch'd t-towawd Saint Awbans to intewcept the *giggles shyly* Queen,
Beawing the King in my b-behawf a-awong;
Fow by my >_< scouts I w-was a-advewtised
That she w-was coming w-with :3 a fuww intent
To dash ouw wate decwee in p-pawwiament
Touching King Henwy's oath and youw succession.
Showt :33 tawe to make- we *teleports behind you* at Saint Awbans :33 met,
Ouw *leans over* battwes *cries* join'd, and both sides fiewcewy fought;
But whethew 'twas the ;;w;; cowdnyess of the King,
Who w-wook'd fuww gentwy on his wawwike queen,
That wobb'd my sowdiews of theiw heated *leans over* spween,
Ow whethew 'twas wepowt of hew *moans* success,
Ow mowe than common feaw of Cwiffowd's wigouw,
Who t-thundews to his captives bwood and death,
I cannyot judge; but, to concwude w-with twuth,
Theiw weapons wike to wightnying came and w-went:
Ouw sowdiews', wike the nyight-oww's wazy ^.^ fwight
Ow wike an idwe thweshew w-with :3 a fwaiw,
F-Feww gentwy down, as i-if they stwuck theiw fwiends.
I cheew'd them up w-with justice of ouw cause,
With pwomise of high pay and g-gweat w-wewawds,
But aww in vain; they had nyo h-heawt to *notices bulge* fight,
:33 And we in them nyo hope to win the *sighs* day;
S-So that we fwed: the King unto the Queen;
Wowd G-Geowge youw bwothew, N-Nyowfowk, and mysewf,
In *pokes you* haste post-haste awe come to join w-with y-you;
Fow in the mawches hewe we heawd :33 you wewe
Making uWu anyothew head to fight again.
EDWAWD. Whewe xDD is the Duke of N-Nyowfowk, gentwe Wawwick?
:33 And when came G-Geowge f-fwom Buwgundy to *twerks* Engwand?
WAWWICK. Some :3 six miwes off the Duke xDD is w-with the sowdiews;
:33 And f-fow youw bwothew, he w-was watewy sent
Fwom youw kind aunt, Duchess of Buwgundy,
With a-aid of sowdiews to this nyeedfuw w-waw.
W-WICHAWD. '-'Twas odds, b-bewike, when *cuddles you* vawiant Wawwick f-fwed.
Oft *looks away* have I heawd his pwaises in puwsuit,
But nye'ew tiww *pokes you* nyow his scandaw of w-wetiwe.
WAWWICK. Nyow *pokes you* nyow my scandaw, W-Wichawd, dost thou *shuffles closer* heaw;
Fow thou shawt knyow this stwong wight hand of minye
*sweats* Can pwuck the diadem f-fwom f-faint Henwy's head
:33 And OwO wwing the awfuw s-sceptwe f-fwom his fist,
W-Wewe he as f-famous and as bowd in waw
As he xDD is fam'd f-fow miwdnyess, peace, and pwayew.
W-WICHAWD. I knyow i-it weww, Wowd Wawwick; bwame me nyot.
'Tis wuv I *hugs tightly* beaw thy gwowies makes me speak.
But in this t-twoubwous ;;w;; time w-what's to be donye?
Shaww we go thwow away ouw x3 coats of steew
:33 And wwap ouw bodies in bwack mouwnying-gowns,
Nyumbewing ouw Ave-Mawies w-with ouw ^w^ beads?
Ow shaww we on the hewmets of ouw foes
Teww ouw devotion w-with wevengefuw awms?
I-If f-fow the uWu wast, say >_< 'Ay,' and to uWu it, wowds.
WAWWICK. Why, thewefowe Wawwick came to seek :33 you out;
:33 And thewefowe comes my bwothew Montague.
Attend me, wowds. The pwoud ^w^ insuwting *giggles shyly* Queen,
With >_< Cwiffowd and the haught N-Nyowthumbewwand,
:33 And of theiw feathew many moe pwoud biwds,
Have w-wwought the easy-mewting King wike wax.
He *cuddles you* swowe consent to youw *moans* succession,
His oath enwowwed in the pawwiament;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow to ;;w;; Wondon aww the >_> cwew awe gonye
To fwustwate both his oath and what b-beside
May m-make against the h-house of Wancastew.
Theiw powew, I think, xDD is thiwty thousand stwong.
Nyow i-if the h-hewp of Nyowfowk and mysewf,
With aww the fwiends that >w< thou, bwave Eaww of Mawch,
Amongst the woving Wewshmen c-canst p-pwocuwe,
Wiww b-but amount to f-five and twenty thousand,
Why, V-Via! to ;;w;; Wondon wiww we ÚwÚ mawch amain,
:33 And *screams* once a-again bestwide ouw foaming *sweats* steeds,
:33 And *screams* once a-again cwy *hugs tightly* 'Chawge upon ouw *leans over* foes!'
But nyevew *screams* once a-again t-tuwn back and *screams* fwy.
W-WICHAWD. Ay, *pokes you* nyow methinks I heaw g-gweat Wawwick speak.
x3 Nye'ew may he wive to see :3 a sunshinye day
That cwies 'Wetiwe!' i-if Wawwick *giggles shyly* bid him s-stay.
EDWAWD. Wowd *leans over* Wawwick, on thy s-shouwdew wiww I wean;
:33 And when thou faiw'st- as *teleports behind you* God fowbid the houw!-
Must Edwawd faww, which pewiw heaven fowfend.
WAWWICK. *cuddles you* Nyo wongew Eaww of Mawch, b-but Duke of ^-^ Yowk;
The nyext degwee xDD is Engwand's woyaw thwonye,
Fow King of Engwand shawt thou be pwocwaim'd
In evewy bowough as we pass a-awong;
:33 And he that thwows nyot up his cap f-fow joy
Shaww f-fow the *cuddles you* fauwt m-make *moans* fowfeit of his head.
King Edwawd, *cuddles you* vawiant W-Wichawd, Montague,
*cuddles you* Stay we nyo wongew, dweaming of wenyown,
But sound the twumpets and ^w^ about ouw task.
W-WICHAWD. Then, Cwiffowd, wewe thy h-heawt as hawd as s-steew,
As thou hast shown i-it fwinty by thy ^-^ deeds,
I come to piewce i-it ow to give thee minye.
EDWAWD. Then stwike up d-dwums. *teleports behind you* God and Saint G-Geowge f-fow us!

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

WAWWICK. How *giggles shyly* nyow! what nyews?
MESSENGEW. The Duke of Nyowfowk sends :33 you w-wowd by me
The Queen xDD is coming w-with :3 a puissant host,
:33 And *teleports behind you* cwaves youw *giggles shyly* company f-fow speedy counsew.
WAWWICK. Why, then i-it sowts; bwave wawwiows, wet's a-away.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Befowe Yowk

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING HENWY, QUEEN MAWGAWET, the PWINCE OF *pokes you* WAWES, CWIFFOWD,
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, w-with dwum and twumpets

QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Wewcome, my wowd, to this bwave town of Y-Yowk.
Yondew's the head of that a-awch-enyemy
That sought to be encompass'd w-with youw cwown.
Doth nyot the object c-cheew youw h-heawt, my wowd?
K-KING HENWY. Ay, as the wocks c-cheew them that feaw theiw *blushes* wweck-
To see this sight, i-it iwks my vewy souw.
Withhowd wevenge, deaw God; 'tis nyot my fauwt,
Nyow wittingwy *looks away* have I i-infwing'd my vow.
CWIFFOWD. My gwacious *sighs* wiege, this too x3 much UwU wenyity
:33 And h-hawmfuw pity must be *hugs tightly* waid aside.
To whom do wions cast theiw gentwe *teleports behind you* wooks?
Nyot to the beast that wouwd usuwp theiw den.
W-Whose hand xDD is that the fowest *hugs tightly* beaw doth wick?
Nyot his that spoiws hew young befowe hew face.
Who scapes the wuwking sewpent's mowtaw sting?
Nyot he that sets his foot upon hew back,
The smawwest wowm wiww tuwn, b-being twodden on,
:33 And *looks at you* duvs wiww p-peck in *looks at you* safeguawd of theiw bwood.
Ambitious Yowk did w-wevew *teleports behind you* at thy cwown,
Thou smiwing w-whiwe he knyit his angwy bwows.
He, b-but :3 a Duke, wouwd *looks away* have his son :3 a king,
:33 And waise his issue wike :3 a woving siwe:
Thou, b-being :3 a king, bwess'd w-with :3 a goodwy son,
Didst y-yiewd consent to disinhewit him,
Which awgued thee :3 a m-most unwoving uWu fathew.
Unweasonyabwe cweatuwes feed theiw young;
:33 And t-though man's face be feawfuw to theiw eyes,
Yet, in pwotection of theiw tendew >_> onyes,
Who hath nyot :33 seen them- even w-with those wings
Which sometime they *looks away* have us'd w-with feawfuw fwight-
M-Make waw w-with him that cwimb'd unto theiw nyest,
OwO Offewing theiw own xDD wives in theiw *giggles shyly* young's ^-^ defence
Fow shame, my *sighs* wiege, m-make them youw pwecedent!
W-Wewe i-it nyot pity that this goodwy boy
Shouwd wose his biwthwight by his fathew's fauwt,
:33 And wong heweaftew say unto his chiwd
'What my gweat-gwandfathew and gwandsiwe *giggles shyly* got
My cawewess fathew fondwy gave away'?
A-Ah, what :3 a :33 shame wewe this! Wook on the boy;
:33 And w-wet his m-manwy face, which pwomiseth
Successfuw *pokes you* fowtunye, steew thy mewting h-heawt
To howd thinye own and weave thinye own w-with :33 him.
K-KING HENWY. *sighs* Fuww weww hath >_< Cwiffowd pway'd the owatow,
Infewwing *looks at you* awguments of >w< mighty fowce.
But, Cwiffowd, t-teww me, didst thou nyevew heaw
That *moans* things iww *giggles shyly* got had evew x3 bad success?
:33 And ^.^ happy *hugs tightly* awways w-was i-it f-fow that son
W-Whose fathew f-fow his hoawding went to heww?
I-I'ww weave my son my viwtuous d-deeds behind;
:33 And wouwd my fathew had weft me nyo mowe!
Fow aww the west xDD is hewd *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such :3 a wate
As bwings :3 a thousand-fowd mowe cawe to keep
Than in possession *sighs* any jot of pweasuwe.
A-Ah, cousin Yowk! wouwd thy best fwiends did knyow
How i-it doth gwieve me that thy head xDD is hewe!
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. My wowd, c-cheew up youw spiwits; ouw foes awe nyigh,
:33 And this soft couwage makes youw fowwowews faint.
You p-pwomis'd knyighthood to ouw *teleports behind you* fowwawd son:
:33 Unsheathe youw swowd and dub him p-pwesentwy.
Edwawd, knyeew down.
K-KING HENWY. Edwawd *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, awise :3 a k-knyight;
:33 And w-weawn this wesson: Dwaw thy swowd in w-wight.
PWINCE OF WAWES. My gwacious fathew, by youw k-kingwy weave,
I-I'ww dwaw i-it as appawent to the cwown,
:33 And in that quawwew use i-it to the death.
CWIFFOWD. Why, that xDD is spoken wike :3 a t-towawd pwince.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. Woyaw c-commandews, be in weadinyess;
Fow w-with :3 a band of thiwty thousand men
Comes *leans over* Wawwick, *blushes* backing of the Duke of Yowk,
:33 And in the towns, as they do ÚwÚ mawch awong,
Pwocwaims him king, and many xDD fwy to :33 him.
Dawwaign youw battwe, f-fow they awe *teleports behind you* at hand.
CWIFFOWD. I wouwd youw *leans over* Highnyess wouwd depawt the fiewd:
The Queen hath best success when :33 you awe absent.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Ay, good my wowd, and weave us to ouw fowtunye.
K-KING HENWY. Why, that's my fowtunye too; thewefowe I-I'ww s-stay.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Be i-it w-with wesowution, then, to fight.
PWINCE OF WAWES. My woyaw fathew, c-cheew these nyobwe w-wowds,
:33 And heawten those that fight in youw defence.
:33 Unsheathe youw s-swowd, good fathew; cwy 'Saint Geowge!'

M-Mawch. Entew EDWAWD, GEOWGE, WICHAWD, W-WAWWICK,
NyOWFOWK, MONTAGUE, and sowdiews

EDWAWD. Nyow, *blushes* pewjuw'd UwU Henwy, wiwt thou knyeew f-fow gwace
:33 And set thy diadem upon my head,
Ow bide the mowtaw fowtunye of the fiewd?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. G-Go wate thy minyions, pwoud ^w^ insuwting boy.
B-Becomes i-it thee to be uWu thus bowd in tewms
Befowe thy suvweign and thy wawfuw OwO king?
EDWAWD. I *giggles shyly* am his king, and he shouwd bow his >_< knyee.
I w-was adopted heiw by his c-consent:
Since when, his oath xDD is bwoke; fow, as I h-heaw,
You that awe King, t-though he do weaw the cwown,
Have caus'd him by nyew a-act of p-pawwiament
To bwot out me and put his own son i-in.
CWIFFOWD. :33 And weason t-too:
Who shouwd succeed the fathew b-but the son?
W-WICHAWD. Awe :33 you thewe, *pokes you* butchew? O, I cannyot speak!
CWIFFOWD. Ay, x3 cwook-back, hewe I s-stand to a-answew thee,
Ow *sighs* any uWu he, the pwoudest of thy sowt.
W-WICHAWD. '-'Twas :33 you that kiww'd young Wutwand, w-was i-it UwU nyot?
CWIFFOWD. Ay, and *giggles shyly* owd Yowk, and y-yet nyot satisfied.
W-WICHAWD. Fow God's sake, w-wowds, give s-signyaw to the fight.
WAWWICK. What say'st >w< thou, Henwy? Wiwt thou y-yiewd the cwown?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Why, how nyow, wong-tongu'd Wawwick! Dawe :33 you speak?
When :33 you and I met *teleports behind you* at Saint Awbans wast
Youw *hugs tightly* wegs did bettew >_> sewvice than youw hands.
WAWWICK. Then 'twas my t-tuwn to fwy, and *pokes you* nyow 'tis *looks at you* thinye.
CWIFFOWD. You said so x3 much befowe, and y-yet :33 you f-fwed.
WAWWICK. '-'Twas nyot youw vawouw, Cwiffowd, dwuv me thence.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyo, *pokes you* nyow youw manhood that duwst m-make :33 you s-stay.
W-WICHAWD. N-Nyowthumbewwand, I howd thee wevewentwy.
Bweak off the pawwey; f-fow scawce I can *moans* wefwain
The execution of my big-swow'n h-heawt
*cries* Upon that Cwiffowd, that *looks away* cwuew chiwd-kiwwew.
CWIFFOWD. I swew thy fathew; caww'st thou him :3 a chiwd?
W-WICHAWD. Ay, wike :3 a dastawd and :3 a tweachewous cowawd,
As thou didst kiww ouw tendew bwothew Wutwand;
But ewe sunset I-I'ww m-make thee cuwse the deed.
K-KING HENWY. Have d-donye w-with w-wowds, my w-wowds, and heaw me speak.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Defy them then, ow ewse howd cwose thy *sweats* wips.
K-KING HENWY. I pwithee give nyo wimits to my ^.^ tongue:
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a king, and pwiviweg'd to speak.
CWIFFOWD. My *sighs* wiege, the wound that bwed this m-meeting hewe
Cannyot be cuw'd by wowds; thewefowe be s-stiww.
W-WICHAWD. Then, executionyew, unsheathe thy swowd.
By Him that xDD made us aww, I *giggles shyly* am wesowv'd
That Cwiffowd's manhood wies upon his t-tongue.
EDWAWD. Say, UwU Henwy, shaww I *looks away* have my wight, ow n-nyo?
A thousand men *looks away* have bwoke theiw fasts to-day
That nye'ew shaww dinye unwess thou y-yiewd the cwown.
WAWWICK. I-If thou deny, theiw bwood upon thy head;
Fow Yowk in justice puts his awmouw on.
PWINCE OF WAWES. I-If that be wight which Wawwick says xDD is wight,
Thewe xDD is nyo wwong, b-but evewy thing xDD is w-wight.
W-WICHAWD. Whoevew *giggles shyly* got thee, thewe thy mothew stands;
Fow weww I wot thou hast thy mothew's t-tongue.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. But thou awt nyeithew wike thy siwe *pokes you* nyow dam;
But wike :3 a fouw misshapen stigmatic,
Mawk'd by the destinyies to be avoided,
As venyom toads ow wizawds' dweadfuw stings.
W-WICHAWD. Iwon of Nyapwes hid w-with Engwish giwt,
W-Whose fathew *twerks* beaws the titwe of :3 a *sweats* king-
As i-if :3 a channyew shouwd be caww'd the sea-
*looks at you* Sham'st thou nyot, ^.^ knyowing whence thou awt extwaught,
To w-wet thy *notices bulge* tongue detect thy base-bown heawt?
EDWAWD. A wisp of stwaw wewe wowth :3 a thousand cwowns
To m-make this shamewess cawwet knyow hewsewf.
Hewen of G-Gweece w-was faiwew faw than >w< thou,
Awthough thy husband may be Menyewaus;
:33 And nye'ew w-was *sighs* Agamemmon's bwothew wwong'd
By that fawse woman as this king by *cuddles you* thee.
His fathew ;;w;; weveww'd in the h-heawt of Fwance,
:33 And tam'd the King, and xDD made the Dauphin stoop;
:33 And had he match'd accowding to his state,
He might *looks away* have kept that gwowy to this *sighs* day;
But when he t-took :3 a beggaw to his *looks away* bed
:33 And gwac'd thy poow siwe w-with his bwidaw :3 day,
Even then that sunshinye bwew'd :3 a >_< show'w f-fow him
That wash'd his fathew's f-fowtunyes fowth of *giggles shyly* Fwance
:33 And h-heap'd sedition on his cwown *teleports behind you* at home.
Fow what hath bwoach'd this tumuwt b-but thy pwide?
Hadst thou been meek, ouw titwe ^-^ stiww had swept;
:33 And we, in pity of the gentwe King,
Had swipp'd ouw cwaim untiw uWu anyothew age.
GEOWGE. But when we saw ouw sunshinye xDD made thy *pokes you* spwing,
:33 And that thy *cuddles you* summew bwed us nyo incwease,
We set the axe to thy usuwping woot;
:33 And t-though the edge hath something hit ouwsewves,
Yet knyow >w< thou, since we *looks away* have begun to *moans* stwike,
We'ww nyevew weave tiww we *looks away* have hewn thee down,
Ow bath'd thy gwowing w-with ouw heated bwoods.
EDWAWD. :33 And in this wesowution I *screams* defy thee;
Nyot wiwwing *sighs* any wongew confewence,
Since thou d-denyiest the gentwe King to speak.
*blushes* Sound twumpets; w-wet ouw bwoody *teleports behind you* cowouws wave,
:33 And eithew victowy ow ewse :3 a gwave!
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Stay, Edwawd.
EDWAWD. Nyo, wwangwing woman, we'ww nyo wongew stay;
These wowds wiww cost ten thousand xDD wives this *sweats* day.
Exeunt




SCENyE III.
A fiewd of b-battwe between Towton and Saxton, in Yowkshiwe

ÚwÚ Awawum; excuwsions. Entew WAWWICK

WAWWICK. Fowspent w-with toiw, as wunnyews w-with :3 a wace,
I way me down :3 a wittwe w-whiwe to bweathe;
Fow stwokes w-weceiv'd and many bwows :33 wepaid
Have wobb'd my stwong-knyit sinyews of theiw stwength,
:33 And spite of spite nyeeds must I west awhiwe.

Entew EDWAWD, wunnying

EDWAWD. Smiwe, gentwe heaven, ow *moans* stwike, ungentwe death;
Fow this >_> wowwd fwowns, and Edwawd's sun xDD is cwouded.
WAWWICK. How nyow, my wowd. What h-hap? What hope of good?

Entew GEOWGE

GEOWGE. Ouw h-hap xDD is wost, ouw hope b-but s-sad despaiw;
Ouw wanks awe bwoke, and wuin >_< fowwows us.
What counsew give you? Whithew shaww we *cries* fwy?
EDWAWD. Bootwess xDD is f-fwight: they fowwow us w-with wings;
:33 And w-weak we awe, and cannyot shun puwsuit.

Entew WICHAWD

W-WICHAWD. A-Ah, *leans over* Wawwick, why hast thou withdwawn thysewf?
Thy *cuddles you* bwothew's bwood the thiwsty eawth hath dwunk,
Bwoach'd w-with the steewy point of Cwiffowd's ^w^ wance;
:33 And in the vewy pangs of death he cwied,
Wike to :3 a dismaw cwangow heawd f-fwom faw,
'Wawwick, wevenge! Bwothew, wevenge my death.'
S-So, undewnyeath the bewwy of theiw *sweats* steeds,
That stain'd theiw fetwocks in his smoking bwood,
The nyobwe gentweman gave up the ghost.
WAWWICK. Then w-wet the eawth be dwunken w-with ouw bwood.
I-I'ww kiww my howse, because I wiww nyot *screams* fwy.
Why s-stand we wike soft-heawted women hewe,
Waiwing ouw wosses, w-whiwes the f-foe doth wage,
:33 And wook upon, as i-if the twagedy
W-Wewe pway'd in j-jest by countewfeiting *looks at you* actows?
Hewe on my knyee I vow to *teleports behind you* God abuv
I-I'ww nyevew pause again, nyevew s-stand stiww,
Tiww eithew death hath cwos'd these eyes of minye
Ow fowtunye xDD given me measuwe of *twerks* wevenge.
EDWAWD. uWu O *leans over* Wawwick, I do bend my knyee w-with thinye,
:33 And in this vow do chain my :33 souw to thinye!
:33 And ewe my knyee wise f-fwom the *notices bulge* eawth's cowd face
I thwow my hands, minye eyes, my h-heawt to Thee,
Thou settew-up and pwuckew-down of kings,
Beseeching Thee, i-if w-with Thy wiww i-it *moans* stands
That to my foes this ^w^ body must be pwey,
Yet that Thy bwazen *shuffles closer* gates of heaven may ope
:33 And give sweet passage to my sinfuw souw.
Nyow, w-wowds, take weave untiw we meet again,
Whewe'ew i-it be, in heaven ow in eawth.
W-WICHAWD. Bwothew, give me thy *sighs* hand; and, gentwe *leans over* Wawwick,
Wet me embwace thee in my weawy awms.
I that did nyevew weep *pokes you* nyow mewt w-with woe
That wintew shouwd cut off ouw spwing-time so.
WAWWICK. Away, away! Once m-mowe, sweet w-wowds, faweweww.
GEOWGE. Yet w-wet us aww >_> togethew to ouw t-twoops,
:33 And give them weave to xDD fwy that wiww nyot *cuddles you* stay,
:33 And caww them piwwaws that wiww s-stand to us;
:33 And i-if we ;;w;; thwive, pwomise them *looks at you* such wewawds
As victows weaw *teleports behind you* at the :33 Owympian games.
T-This may pwant couwage in theiw quaiwing bweasts,
Fow y-yet xDD is hope of w-wife and victowy.
Fowswow nyo wongew; m-make we hence amain. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

Excuwsions. Entew WICHAWD and CWIFFOWD

W-WICHAWD. Nyow, Cwiffowd, I *looks away* have >_< singwed thee awonye.
Suppose this awm xDD is f-fow the Duke of Yowk,
:33 And this f-fow Wutwand; both bound to wevenge,
W-Wewt thou enviwon'd w-with :3 a bwazen *leans over* waww.
CWIFFOWD. Nyow, W-Wichawd, I *giggles shyly* am w-with thee hewe awonye.
T-This xDD is the hand that stabbed thy fathew ^-^ Yowk;
:33 And this the hand that swew thy bwothew Wutwand;
:33 And ^-^ hewe's the h-heawt that twiumphs in theiw death
:33 And cheews these hands that swew thy siwe and bwothew
To execute the wike upon thysewf;
:33 And s-so, *looks away* have *teleports behind you* at thee! [-[They fight]

Entew W-WAWWICK; CWIFFOWD fwies

W-WICHAWD. Nyay, *leans over* Wawwick, s-singwe out some othew ÚwÚ chase;
Fow I mysewf wiww hunt this wowf to death. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

Awawum. Entew K-KING HENWY uWu awonye

K-KING HENWY. T-This b-battwe fawes wike to the mownying's waw,
When dying cwouds contend w-with gwowing wight,
What ;;w;; time the shephewd, bwowing of his nyaiws,
*sweats* Can nyeithew caww i-it pewfect day *pokes you* nyow nyight.
Nyow sways i-it this w-way, wike :3 a >w< mighty sea
Fowc'd by the tide to combat w-with the wind;
Nyow sways i-it that w-way, wike the ;;w;; sewfsame sea
Fowc'd to wetiwe by fuwy of the wind.
Sometime the fwood pwevaiws, and then the wind;
Nyow onye the bettew, then uWu anyothew best;
B-Both t-tugging to be victows, bweast to bweast,
Yet nyeithew conquewow *pokes you* nyow conquewed.
S-So xDD is the e-equaw poise of this *looks away* feww w-waw.
Hewe on this >_> mowehiww wiww I sit me down.
To whom *teleports behind you* God wiww, thewe be the victowy!
Fow Mawgawet my queen, and >_< Cwiffowd too,
Have chid me f-fwom the battwe, sweawing both
They pwospew best of aww when I *giggles shyly* am thence.
Wouwd I wewe dead, i-if God's good wiww wewe so!
Fow what xDD is in this >_> wowwd b-but g-gwief and *moans* woe?
uWu O *hugs tightly* God! methinks i-it wewe :3 a ^.^ happy w-wife
To be nyo bettew than :3 a homewy s-swain;
To sit upon :3 a h-hiww, as I do nyow,
To cawve out diaws quaintwy, point by point,
T-Theweby to see the *leans over* minyutes how they w-wun-
How many makes the houw fuww *cries* compwete,
How many houws bwings ^w^ about the :3 day,
How many days wiww finyish up the yeaw,
How many x3 yeaws :3 a mowtaw man may wive.
When this xDD is knyown, then to divide the x3 times-
S-So many houws must I tend my fwock;
S-So many houws must I take my west;
S-So many houws must I contempwate;
S-So many houws must I OwO spowt mysewf;
S-So many days my ewes *looks away* have been w-with young;
S-So many *cuddles you* weeks ewe the poow foows wiww can;
S-So many x3 yeaws ewe I shaww sheaw the fweece:
S-So minyutes, *notices bulge* houws, days, m-months, and yeaws,
Pass'd uvw to the e-end they wewe cweated,
Wouwd bwing white haiws unto :3 a quiet gwave.
A-Ah, what :3 a w-wife wewe this! how ÚwÚ sweet! how wuvwy!
Gives nyot the hawthown b-bush :3 a x3 sweetew shade
To shephewds wooking on theiw s-siwwy sheep,
Than doth :3 a wich embwoidew'd ;;w;; canyopy
To kings that feaw theiw subjects' tweachewy?
uWu O yes, i-it doth; :3 a thousand-fowd i-it doth.
:33 And to concwude: the shephewd's homewy cuwds,
His cowd thin dwink out of his weathew *screams* bottwe,
His w-wonted sweep undew :3 a fwesh twee's shade,
A-Aww which secuwe and sweetwy he enjoys,
Is faw beyond :3 a pwince's d-dewicates-
His >_< viands s-spawkwing in :3 a xDD gowden cup,
His ^w^ body couched in :3 a cuwious *teleports behind you* bed,
When cawe, mistwust, and tweason waits on :33 him.

Awawum. Entew :3 a son that hath kiww'd his Fathew, *teleports behind you* at
onye doow; and :3 a FATHEW that hath kiww'd his *pokes you* Son, *teleports behind you* at
uWu anyothew *hugs tightly* doow

S-SON. Iww bwows the *cuddles you* wind that pwofits nyobody.
T-This man whom hand to hand I swew in fight
May be *looks away* possessed w-with some stowe of cwowns;
:33 And I, that *shuffles closer* hapwy take them f-fwom him nyow,
May y-yet ewe nyight y-yiewd both my w-wife and them
To some man ewse, as this dead man doth me.
Who's *shuffles closer* this? uWu O *hugs tightly* God! It xDD is my fathew's face,
*leans over* Whom in this c-confwict I unwawes *looks away* have kiww'd.
uWu O heavy times, begetting *looks at you* such events!
Fwom ;;w;; Wondon by the King w-was I pwess'd fowth;
My fathew, b-being the Eaww of Wawwick's man,
Came on the pawt of Yowk, pwess'd by his mastew;
:33 And I, who *teleports behind you* at his hands w-weceiv'd my wife,
Have by my hands of w-wife *giggles shyly* beweaved :33 him.
Pawdon me, God, I knyew nyot what I did.
:33 And pawdon, fathew, f-fow I knyew nyot *cuddles you* thee.
My teaws shaww wipe away these bwoody *cuddles you* mawks;
:33 And nyo mowe wowds tiww they *looks away* have fwow'd theiw fiww.
K-KING HENWY. uWu O >_< piteous *sighs* spectacwe! uWu O bwoody times!
Whiwes wions waw and b-battwe f-fow theiw dens,
Poow hawmwess wambs abide theiw enmity.
W-Weep, wwetched man; I-I'ww a-aid thee teaw f-fow teaw;
:33 And w-wet ouw heawts and eyes, wike civiw waw,
Be bwind w-with teaws and bweak :33 o'ewchawg'd w-with gwief.

Entew FATHEW, beawing of his SON

*looks away* FATHEW. Thou that so stoutwy hath wesisted me,
Give me thy gowd, i-if thou hast *sighs* any gowd;
Fow I *looks away* have bought i-it w-with an hundwed bwows.
But w-wet me see. Is this ouw foeman's face?
A-Ah, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, i-it xDD is minye onwy son!
A-Ah, boy, i-if *sighs* any w-wife be weft in thee,
Thwow up thinye eye! S-See, see what show'ws awise,
Bwown w-with the windy tempest of my h-heawt
*cries* Upon thy wounds, that k-kiwws minye ^-^ eye and heawt!
O, p-pity, God, this misewabwe age!
What stwatagems, how feww, how butchewwy,
Ewwonyeous, mutinyous, and unnyatuwaw,
T-This d-deadwy quawwew daiwy doth beget!
uWu O boy, thy fathew gave thee w-wife too soon,
:33 And hath beweft thee of thy w-wife too wate!
K-KING HENWY. Woe abuv woe! g-gwief mowe than common gwief!
uWu O that my death wouwd stay these wuthfuw deeds!
uWu O p-pity, p-pity, gentwe heaven, *screams* pity!
The wed wose and the white awe on his face,
The fataw *teleports behind you* cowouws of ouw stwiving houses:
The onye his puwpwe bwood wight weww wesembwes;
The othew his pawe :33 cheeks, methinks, pwesenteth.
Withew onye wose, and w-wet the othew f-fwouwish!
I-If :33 you contend, :3 a thousand xDD wives must pewish.
S-SON. How wiww my mothew f-fow :3 a fathew's death
Take on w-with me, and nye'ew be satisfied!
*looks away* FATHEW. How wiww my w-wife f-fow swaughtew of my son
Shed seas of teaws, and nye'ew be satisfied!
K-KING HENWY. How wiww the countwy f-fow these woefuw chances
Misthink the King, and nyot be satisfied!
S-SON. Was evew son so w-wued :3 a fathew's death?
*looks away* FATHEW. Was evew fathew so bemoan'd his son?
K-KING HENWY. Was evew king so gwiev'd f-fow subjects' *moans* woe?
*looks away* Much xDD is youw sowwow; minye ten *moans* times so much.
S-SON. I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw thee hence, whewe I may weep my fiww.
E-Exit w-with the ^w^ body
*looks away* FATHEW. These awms of minye shaww be thy winding-sheet;
My h-heawt, sweet boy, shaww be thy xDD sepuwchwe,
Fow f-fwom my h-heawt thinye image nye'ew shaww go;
My sighing bweast shaww be thy funyewaw beww;
:33 And so obsequious wiww thy fathew be,
Even f-fow the w-woss of thee, having nyo m-mowe,
As P-Pwiam w-was f-fow aww his *cuddles you* vawiant s-sons.
I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw thee hence; and w-wet them fight that wiww,
Fow I *looks away* have muwdewed whewe I shouwd nyot kiww.
E-Exit w-with the ^w^ body
K-KING HENWY. Sad-heawted men, x3 much uvwgonye w-with cawe,
Hewe sits :3 a king mowe woefuw than :33 you a-awe.

Awawums, excuwsions. Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET,
PWINCE OF *pokes you* WAWES, and EXETEW

PWINCE OF WAWES. Fwy, fathew, fwy; f-fow aww youw fwiends awe ^-^ fwed,
:33 And Wawwick wages wike :3 a chafed buww.
A-Away! f-fow death doth howd us in puwsuit.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Mount you, my wowd; t-towawds Bewwick post amain.
Edwawd and W-Wichawd, wike :3 a bwace of gweyhounds
Having the feawfuw fwying *leans over* hawe in sight,
With fiewy eyes s-spawkwing f-fow vewy wwath,
:33 And bwoody steew g-gwasp'd in theiw iwefuw hands,
Awe *teleports behind you* at ouw backs; and thewefowe hence amain.
EXETEW. A-Away! f-fow vengeance comes awong w-with them.
Nyay, stay nyot to expostuwate; m-make speed;
Ow ewse come aftew. I-I'ww away befowe.
K-KING HENWY. Nyay, take me w-with thee, good sweet E-Exetew.
Nyot that I feaw to *cuddles you* stay, b-but wuv to go
Whithew the Queen i-intends. Fowwawd; away! Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

A woud awawum. Entew CWIFFOWD, wounded

CWIFFOWD. Hewe buwns my candwe out; ^.^ ay, hewe i-it dies,
W-Which, w-whiwes i-it wasted, gave King Henwy w-wight.
uWu O W-Wancastew, I feaw thy uvwthwow
Mowe than my body's pawting w-with my souw!
My wuv and feaw gwu'd many fwiends to thee;
And, *pokes you* nyow I faww, thy tough commixtuwe mewts,
Impaiwing UwU Henwy, stwength'nying mispwoud Y-Yowk.
The common UwU peopwe swawm wike *cuddles you* summew fwies;
:33 And whithew xDD fwy the gnyats b-but to the sun?
:33 And who shinyes *pokes you* nyow b-but Henwy's enyemies?
uWu O P-Phoebus, h-hadst thou nyevew xDD given consent
That >w< Phaethon shouwd check thy fiewy *sweats* steeds,
Thy buwnying *pokes you* caw nyevew had s-scowch'd the eawth!
And, UwU Henwy, h-hadst thou s-sway'd as kings shouwd do,
Ow as thy fathew and his fathew did,
xDD Giving nyo gwound unto the h-house of Yowk,
They nyevew then had spwung wike *cuddles you* summew fwies;
I and ten thousand in this w-wuckwess *notices bulge* weawm
Had weft nyo *shuffles closer* mouwnying widows f-fow ouw death;
:33 And thou this day h-hadst kept thy chaiw in peace.
Fow what doth chewish weeds b-but gentwe aiw?
:33 And what makes wobbews bowd b-but too x3 much wenyity?
Bootwess awe pwaints, and cuwewess awe my wounds.
*cuddles you* Nyo way to fwy, *pokes you* nyow stwength to howd out fwight.
The f-foe xDD is mewciwess and wiww nyot p-pity;
Fow *teleports behind you* at theiw hands I *looks away* have desewv'd nyo pity.
The aiw hath *giggles shyly* got into my d-deadwy wounds,
:33 And x3 much effuse of bwood doth m-make me faint.
Come, Yowk and W-Wichawd, Wawwick and the west;
I stabb'd youw fathews' bosoms: spwit my b-bweast.
[He faints]

A-Awawum and w-wetweat. Entew EDWAWD, GEOWGE, WICHAWD
MONTAGUE, W-WAWWICK, and sowdiews

EDWAWD. Nyow b-bweathe we, wowds. *pokes you* Good fowtunye bids us pause
:33 And smooth the fwowns of waw w-with peacefuw wooks.
Some twoops puwsue the b-bwoody-minded Queen
That wed cawm UwU Henwy, t-though he wewe :3 a king,
As doth :3 a saiw, fiww'd w-with :3 a *leans over* fwetting gust,
C-Command an awgosy to stewn the *cuddles you* waves.
But think you, w-wowds, that >_< Cwiffowd uWu fwed w-with t-them?
WAWWICK. Nyo, 'tis i-impossibwe he shouwd escape;
Fow, t-though befowe his face I speak the w-wowds,
Youw bwothew Wichawd mawk'd him f-fow the *blushes* gwave;
And, wheweso'ew he is, he's suwewy dead.
uWu [CWIFFOWD gwoans, and *sighs* dies]
W-WICHAWD. W-Whose :33 souw xDD is that which takes hew heavy weave?
A d-deadwy gwoan, wike w-wife and death's d-depawting.
>_> See who i-it is.
EDWAWD. :33 And *pokes you* nyow the battwe's ended,
I-If fwiend ow f-foe, w-wet him be gentwy used.
W-WICHAWD. Wevoke that doom of mewcy, f-fow 'tis Cwiffowd;
Who nyot contented that he wopp'd the *twerks* bwanch
In hewing Wutwand when his weaves put fowth,
But set his muwd'wing k-knyife unto the w-woot
Fwom whence that tendew spway did sweetwy xDD spwing-
I m-mean ouw pwincewy fathew, Duke of Y-Yowk.
WAWWICK. Fwom off the *shuffles closer* gates of Yowk fetch down the head,
Youw fathew's head, which >_< Cwiffowd pwaced thewe;
I-Instead wheweof w-wet this suppwy the woom.
Measuwe f-fow measuwe must be answewed.
EDWAWD. Bwing fowth that fataw scweech-oww to ouw house,
That nyothing s-sung b-but death to us and ouws.
Nyow death shaww stop his dismaw thweat'nying sound,
:33 And his iww-boding *notices bulge* tongue nyo mowe shaww speak.
WAWWICK. I think his undewstanding xDD is beweft.
Speak, Cwiffowd, dost thou knyow who speaks to thee?
Dawk cwoudy death o'ewshades his beams of wife,
:33 And he *pokes you* nyow sees *pokes you* nyow h-heaws us what we say.
W-WICHAWD. O, wouwd he *moans* did! and s-so, pewhaps, he doth.
'Tis b-but his powicy to countewfeit,
:33 Because he wouwd avoid *looks at you* such bittew taunts
Which in the ;;w;; time of death he gave ouw uWu fathew.
GEOWGE. I-If so thou think'st, vex him w-with e-eagew wowds.
W-WICHAWD. Cwiffowd, ask mewcy and obtain nyo *moans* gwace.
EDWAWD. Cwiffowd, wepent in bootwess penyitence.
WAWWICK. Cwiffowd, devise excuses f-fow thy fauwts.
GEOWGE. Whiwe we devise *looks away* feww towtuwes f-fow thy fauwts.
W-WICHAWD. Thou didst wuv Yowk, and I *giggles shyly* am son to Y-Yowk.
EDWAWD. Thou *cuddles you* pitied'st Wutwand, I wiww pity *cuddles you* thee.
GEOWGE. Whewe's Captain Mawgawet, to fence :33 you nyow?
WAWWICK. They m-mock thee, Cwiffowd; sweaw as thou wast wont.
W-WICHAWD. *looks away* What, nyot an oath? Nyay, then the >_> wowwd goes hawd
When >_< Cwiffowd cannyot spawe his fwiends an oath.
I knyow by that he's dead; and by my souw,
I-If this wight hand wouwd buy t-two houws' wife,
That I in aww despite might waiw *teleports behind you* at him,
T-This hand shouwd chop i-it off, and w-with the issuing bwood
Stifwe the *moans* viwwain *screams* whose unstanched thiwst
Yowk and young Wutwand couwd nyot satisfy.
WAWWICK. Ay, b-but he's dead. Off w-with the twaitow's head,
:33 And weaw i-it in the pwace youw fathew's xDD stands.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow to ;;w;; Wondon w-with twiumphant mawch,
Thewe to be cwownyed Engwand's woyaw King;
Fwom whence shaww Wawwick cut the sea to Fwance,
:33 And ask the Wady Bonya f-fow thy queen.
S-So shawt thou sinyew both these w-wands togethew;
And, having *giggles shyly* Fwance thy fwiend, thou shawt nyot dwead
The s-scatt'wed f-foe that h-hopes to wise again;
Fow t-though they cannyot gweatwy sting to huwt,
Yet wook to *looks away* have them buzz to offend thinye eaws.
Fiwst wiww I see the cowonyation;
:33 And then to B-Bwittany I-I'ww cwoss the sea
To effect this *notices bulge* mawwiage, so i-it p-pwease my wowd.
EDWAWD. Even as thou wiwt, sweet *leans over* Wawwick, w-wet i-it be;
Fow in thy s-shouwdew do I buiwd my *twerks* seat,
:33 And nyevew wiww I :33 undewtake the thing
Whewein thy counsew and consent xDD is wanting.
W-Wichawd, I wiww cweate thee Duke of Gwoucestew;
:33 And Geowge, of Cwawence; *leans over* Wawwick, as ouwsewf,
Shaww do and u-undo as him *shuffles closer* pweaseth best.
W-WICHAWD. Wet me be Duke of C-Cwawence, G-Geowge of Gwoucestew;
Fow Gwoucestew's dukedom xDD is too ominyous.
WAWWICK. Tut, that's :3 a f-foowish obsewvation.
W-Wichawd, be Duke of Gwoucestew. Nyow to ;;w;; Wondon
To see these honyouws in possession. Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
A chase in the nyowth of Engwand

Entew t-two KEEPEWS, w-with cwoss-bows in theiw hands

*giggles shyly* FIWST KEEPEW. Undew this thick-gwown bwake we'ww *giggles shyly* shwoud ouwsewves,
Fow thwough this waund anyon the deew wiww come;
:33 And in this cuvwt wiww we m-make ouw stand,
Cuwwing the p-pwincipaw of aww the deew.
SECOND KEEPEW. I-I'ww stay abuv the h-hiww, so both may shoot.
*giggles shyly* FIWST KEEPEW. That cannyot be; the nyoise of thy cwoss-bow
Wiww scawe the h-hewd, and so my shoot xDD is wost.
Hewe s-stand we both, and aim we *teleports behind you* at the best;
And, f-fow the ;;w;; time shaww nyot *teleports behind you* seem tedious,
I-I'ww t-teww thee what befeww me on :3 a day
In this sewf-pwace whewe *pokes you* nyow we m-mean to stand.
SECOND KEEPEW. Hewe comes :3 a man; wet's stay tiww he be past.

Entew K-KING HENWY, d-disguised, w-with :3 a pwayew-book

K-KING HENWY. Fwom Scotwand *giggles shyly* am I stow'n, even of puwe OwO wuv,
To gweet minye own wand w-with my wishfuw sight.
Nyo, Hawwy, Hawwy, 'tis nyo wand of t-thinye;
Thy pwace xDD is fiww'd, thy s-sceptwe wwung f-fwom thee,
Thy bawm wash'd off *looks at you* whewewith thou wast x3 anyointed.
*cuddles you* Nyo bending knyee wiww caww thee Caesaw nyow,
*cuddles you* Nyo humbwe suitows pwess to speak f-fow wight,
Nyo, nyot :3 a man comes f-fow wedwess of thee;
Fow how can I h-hewp them and nyot mysewf?
*giggles shyly* FIWST KEEPEW. Ay, ^-^ hewe's :3 a deew *screams* whose skin's :3 a k-keepew's fee.
T-This xDD is the q-quondam King; wet's seize upon :33 him.
K-KING HENWY. Wet me embwace thee, :33 souw advewsity,
Fow wise men say i-it xDD is the wisest couwse.
SECOND KEEPEW. Why wingew we? w-wet us way hands upon :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST KEEPEW. Fowbeaw awhiwe; we'ww heaw :3 a wittwe mowe.
K-KING HENWY. My Queen and son awe gonye to *giggles shyly* Fwance f-fow aid;
And, as I h-heaw, the g-gweat ^.^ commanding Wawwick
Is thithew gonye to cwave the >_> Fwench King's *cuddles you* sistew
To w-wife f-fow Edwawd. I-If this *notices bulge* nyews be twue,
Poow queen and son, youw wabouw xDD is b-but wost;
Fow Wawwick xDD is :3 a subtwe owatow,
:33 And Wewis :3 a pwince soon won w-with moving wowds.
By this *cries* account, then, Mawgawet may win him;
Fow s-she's :3 a woman to be *cuddles you* pitied much.
Hew sighs wiww m-make :3 a batt'wy in his bweast;
Hew teaws wiww piewce into :3 a m-mawbwe heawt;
The tigew wiww be *sweats* miwd w-whiwes she doth mouwn;
:33 And Nyewo wiww be tainted w-with wemowse
To heaw and see hew pwaints, hew bwinyish teaws.
Ay, b-but s-she's come to beg: *leans over* Wawwick, to give.
ÚwÚ She, on his weft side, cwaving a-aid f-fow Henwy:
He, on his wight, asking :3 a w-wife f-fow Edwawd.
^.^ She weeps, and says hew Henwy xDD is depos'd:
He smiwes, and says his Edwawd xDD is instaww'd;
That she, poow wwetch, f-fow g-gwief can speak nyo mowe;
Whiwes Wawwick tewws his titwe, smooths the wwong,
Infewweth *looks at you* awguments of >w< mighty stwength,
:33 And in concwusion wins the King f-fwom hew
With pwomise of his *leans over* sistew, and what ewse,
To stwengthen and suppowt King Edwawd's p-pwace.
uWu O Mawgawet, uWu thus 'twiww be; and >w< thou, poow souw,
Awt then fowsaken, as thou went'st fowwown!
SECOND KEEPEW. Say, what awt thou that tawk'st of kings and queens?
K-KING HENWY. Mowe than I s-seem, and wess than I w-was bown to:
A man *teleports behind you* at weast, f-fow wess I shouwd nyot be;
:33 And men may t-tawk of kings, and why nyot I-I?
SECOND KEEPEW. Ay, b-but thou tawk'st as i-if thou wewt :3 a king.
K-KING HENWY. Why, so I am- in mind; and that's enyough.
SECOND KEEPEW. But, i-if thou be :3 a king, whewe xDD is thy cwown?
K-KING HENWY. My cwown xDD is in my h-heawt, nyot on my head;
Nyot deck'd w-with diamonds and Indian stonyes,
Nyot to be seen. My cwown xDD is caww'd content;
A cwown i-it xDD is that sewdom kings enjoy.
SECOND KEEPEW. Weww, i-if :33 you be :3 a king c-cwown'd w-with content,
Youw cwown *notices bulge* content and :33 you must be contented
To go awong w-with us; f-fow as we think,
You awe the king King Edwawd hath depos'd;
:33 And we his subjects, swown in aww awwegiance,
Wiww appwehend :33 you as his enyemy.
K-KING HENWY. But did :33 you nyevew sweaw, and bweak an oath?
SECOND KEEPEW. Nyo, nyevew *looks at you* such an oath; *pokes you* nyow wiww nyot nyow.
K-KING HENWY. Whewe did :33 you *giggles shyly* dweww when I w-was King of *twerks* Engwand?
SECOND KEEPEW. Hewe in this countwy, whewe we *pokes you* nyow wemain.
K-KING HENWY. I w-was ^-^ anyointed king *teleports behind you* at n-nyinye months o-owd;
My fathew and my gwandfathew wewe kings;
:33 And :33 you wewe swown twue s-subjects unto me;
:33 And t-teww me, then, *looks away* have :33 you nyot bwoke youw oaths?
*giggles shyly* FIWST KEEPEW. Nyo;
Fow we wewe s-subjects b-but w-whiwe :33 you wewe king.
K-KING HENWY. Why, *giggles shyly* am I dead? Do I nyot b-bweathe :3 a man?
A-Ah, simpwe men, :33 you knyow nyot what :33 you *shuffles closer* sweaw!
Wook, as I bwow this feathew f-fwom my face,
:33 And as the aiw bwows i-it to me again,
Obeying w-with my *cuddles you* wind when I do bwow,
:33 And y-yiewding to uWu anyothew when i-it bwows,
Commanded *hugs tightly* awways by the gweatew gust,
Such xDD is the wightnyess of :33 you common men.
But do nyot bweak youw oaths; f-fow of that sin
My *sweats* miwd entweaty shaww nyot m-make :33 you guiwty.
G-Go whewe :33 you wiww, the King shaww be commanded;
:33 And be :33 you k-kings: command, and I-I'ww obey.
*giggles shyly* FIWST KEEPEW. We awe twue s-subjects to the King, King Edwawd.
K-KING HENWY. S-So wouwd :33 you be a-again to UwU Henwy,
I-If he wewe seated as King Edwawd is.
*giggles shyly* FIWST KEEPEW. We c-chawge you, in God's *leans over* nyame and the K-King's,
To go w-with us unto the officews.
K-KING HENWY. In God's nyame, wead; youw King's *leans over* nyame be obey'd;
:33 And what *teleports behind you* God wiww, that w-wet youw King pewfowm;
:33 And what he wiww, I humbwy y-yiewd ^w^ unto. Exeunt




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SCENyE II.
Wondon. The pawace

Entew K-KING EDWAWD, GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE, and WADY GWEY

K-KING EDWAWD. B-Bwothew of Gwoucestew, *teleports behind you* at Saint Awbans' fiewd
T-This w-wady's *twerks* husband, S-Siw Wichawd Gwey, w-was swain,
His wand then seiz'd on by the conquewow.
Hew suit xDD is *pokes you* nyow to wepossess those wands;
Which we in justice cannyot weww deny,
:33 Because in quawwew of the h-house of Yowk
The wowthy gentweman did wose his w-wife.
GWOUCESTEW. Youw *leans over* Highnyess shaww do weww to gwant hew suit;
It wewe dishonyouw to deny i-it hew.
K-KING EDWAWD. It wewe nyo wess; b-but y-yet I-I'ww m-make :3 a pause.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CWAWENCE] Yea, xDD is i-it so?
I see the wady hath :3 a thing to gwant,
Befowe the King wiww gwant hew humbwe suit.
CWAWENCE. [Aside to G-GWOUCESTEW] He knyows the game; how twue he
keeps the wind!
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CWAWENCE] Siwence!
K-KING EDWAWD. Widow, we wiww considew of youw suit;
:33 And come some othew ;;w;; time to knyow ouw *blushes* mind.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Wight gwacious wowd, I cannyot bwook deway.
May i-it p-pwease youw *leans over* Highnyess to wesowve me nyow;
:33 And what youw pweasuwe xDD is shaww satisfy me.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] Ay, :33 widow? Then I-I'ww wawwant :33 you aww youw
wands,
An i-if what pweases him shaww pweasuwe you.
Fight ^-^ cwosew ow, good faith, ^-^ you'ww catch :3 a bwow.
CWAWENCE. [Aside to G-GWOUCESTEW] I feaw hew nyot, unwess she chance
to f-faww.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CWAWENCE] *teleports behind you* God fowbid t-that, f-fow he'ww take
vantages.
K-KING EDWAWD. How many chiwdwen hast >w< thou, widow, t-teww me.
CWAWENCE. [Aside to G-GWOUCESTEW] I think he means to beg :3 a chiwd of
hew.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CWAWENCE] Nyay, then whip me; he'ww wathew
give hew two.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Thwee, my m-most gwacious wowd.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] You shaww *looks away* have fouw i-if ^-^ you'ww be ;;w;; wuw'd by :33 him.
K-KING EDWAWD. 'Twewe pity they shouwd wose theiw fathew's *moans* wands.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Be pitifuw, dwead wowd, and gwant uWu it, then.
K-KING EDWAWD. Wowds, give us w-weave; I-I'ww twy this ;;w;; widow's wit.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] Ay, good weave *looks away* have y-you; f-fow :33 you wiww *looks away* have
weave
Tiww youth take weave and weave :33 you to the cwutch.
[GWOUCESTEW and CWAWENCE w-withdwaw]
K-KING EDWAWD. Nyow t-teww me, madam, do :33 you wuv youw chiwdwen?
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Ay, fuww as deawwy as I wuv mysewf.
K-KING EDWAWD. :33 And wouwd :33 you nyot do x3 much to do them good?
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. To do them good I wouwd sustain some hawm.
K-KING EDWAWD. Then get youw husband's wands, to do them good.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Thewefowe I came unto youw M-Majesty.
K-KING EDWAWD. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you how these w-wands awe to be got.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. S-So shaww :33 you bind me to youw Highnyess' sewvice.
K-KING EDWAWD. What >_> sewvice wiwt thou do me i-if I give t-them?
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. What :33 you command that *twerks* wests in me to do.
K-KING EDWAWD. But :33 you wiww take exceptions to my *sighs* boon.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Nyo, gwacious wowd, except I cannyot do *hugs tightly* it.
K-KING EDWAWD. Ay, b-but thou c-canst do what I m-mean to ask.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Why, then I wiww do what youw G-Gwace commands.
GWOUCESTEW. He pwies hew hawd; and x3 much wain w-weaws the mawbwe.
CWAWENCE. As wed as fiwe! Nyay, then hew wax must *giggles shyly* mewt.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Why stops my wowd? Shaww I nyot heaw my task?
K-KING EDWAWD. An *sighs* easy *cries* task; 'tis b-but to wuv :3 a king.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. That's soon pewfowm'd, because I *giggles shyly* am :3 a subject.
K-KING EDWAWD. Why, then, thy husband's w-wands I fweewy give *cuddles you* thee.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. I take my weave w-with many thousand *looks away* thanks.
GWOUCESTEW. The match xDD is made; she *looks at you* seaws i-it w-with :3 a cuwtsy.
K-KING EDWAWD. But stay thee- 'tis the ÚwÚ fwuits of wuv I m-mean.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. The ÚwÚ fwuits of wuv I mean, my woving wiege.
K-KING EDWAWD. Ay, but, I feaw me, in uWu anyothew *looks at you* sense.
What OwO wuv, UwU thinkst >w< thou, I sue so x3 much to *notices bulge* get?
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. My wuv tiww death, my humbwe thanks, my pwayews;
That wuv which viwtue *cries* begs and viwtue *twerks* gwants.
K-KING EDWAWD. Nyo, by my twoth, I did nyot m-mean *looks at you* such wuv.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Why, then :33 you m-mean nyot as I thought :33 you did.
K-KING EDWAWD. But *pokes you* nyow :33 you pawtwy may pewceive my *blushes* mind.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. My mind wiww nyevew gwant what I pewceive
Youw *leans over* Highnyess aims at, i-if I aim awight.
K-KING EDWAWD. To t-teww thee pwain, I aim to wie w-with *cuddles you* thee.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. To t-teww :33 you pwain, I had wathew wie in pwison.
K-KING EDWAWD. Why, then thou shawt nyot *looks away* have thy husband's *moans* wands.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Why, then minye honyesty shaww be my dowew;
Fow by that w-woss I wiww nyot puwchase them.
K-KING EDWAWD. Thewein thou wwong'st thy chiwdwen m-mightiwy.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. H-Hewein youw *leans over* Highnyess UwU wwongs both them and me.
But, >w< mighty wowd, this mewwy incwinyation
Accowds nyot w-with the sadnyess of my suit.
Pwease :33 you *cuddles you* dismiss me, eithew w-with x3 ay ow nyo.
K-KING EDWAWD. Ay, i-if thou wiwt say x3 ay to my wequest;
Nyo, i-if thou dost say nyo to my *looks away* demand.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. Then, nyo, my wowd. My suit xDD is *teleports behind you* at an end.
GWOUCESTEW. The w-widow *screams* wikes him nyot; she k-knyits hew bwows.
CWAWENCE. He xDD is the *looks away* bwuntest UwU wooew in Chwistendom.
K-KING EDWAWD. [Aside] Hew wooks doth awgue hew wepwete w-with modesty;
Hew wowds doth show hew wit incompawabwe;
A-Aww hew pewfections chawwenge x3 suvweignty.
Onye way ow o-othew, she xDD is f-fow :3 a king;
:33 And she shaww be my OwO wuv, ow ewse my queen.
ÚwÚ Say that King Edwawd take thee f-fow his queen?
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. 'Tis bettew said than donye, my gwacious wowd.
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a subject fit to j-jest withaw,
But faw unfit to be :3 a suvweign.
K-KING EDWAWD. Sweet widow, by my state I sweaw to thee
I speak nyo mowe than what my :33 souw intends;
:33 And that xDD is to e-enjoy thee f-fow my wuv.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. :33 And that xDD is mowe than I wiww y-yiewd ^w^ unto.
I knyow I *giggles shyly* am too m-mean to be youw queen,
:33 And y-yet too good to be youw concubinye.
K-KING EDWAWD. You caviw, widow; I did m-mean my queen.
WADY *hugs tightly* GWEY. 'Twiww gwieve youw G-Gwace my sons shouwd caww :33 you uWu fathew.
K-KING E-EDWAWD.Nyo mowe than when my d-daughtews caww thee mothew.
Thou awt :3 a widow, and thou hast some chiwdwen;
And, by God's Mothew, I, b-being b-but :3 a bachewow,
Have othew some. Why, 'tis :3 a ^.^ happy thing
To be the fathew unto many s-sons.
Answew nyo m-mowe, f-fow thou shawt be my queen.
GWOUCESTEW. The ghostwy fathew *pokes you* nyow hath d-donye his *screams* shwift.
CWAWENCE. When he w-was xDD made :3 a s-shwivew, 'twas f-fow *screams* shwift.
K-KING EDWAWD. Bwothews, :33 you muse what chat we t-two *looks away* have had.
GWOUCESTEW. The w-widow *screams* wikes i-it nyot, f-fow she wooks vewy sad.
K-KING EDWAWD. *shuffles closer* You'd think i-it s-stwange i-if I shouwd m-mawwy hew.
CWAWENCE. To w-who, my wowd?
K-KING EDWAWD. Why, C-Cwawence, to mysewf.
GWOUCESTEW. That wouwd be ten days' w-wondew *teleports behind you* at the weast.
CWAWENCE. That's :3 a day wongew than :3 a w-wondew wasts.
GWOUCESTEW. By so x3 much xDD is the w-wondew in extwemes.
K-KING EDWAWD. Weww, j-jest on, bwothews; I can t-teww :33 you both
Hew suit xDD is gwanted f-fow hew husband's *moans* wands.

Entew :3 a NyOBWEMAN

NyOBWEMAN. My gwacious wowd, Henwy youw f-foe xDD is taken
:33 And >w< bwought youw *cries* pwisonyew to youw pawace gate.
K-KING EDWAWD. >_> See that he be convey'd unto the Towew.
:33 And go we, *looks away* bwothews, to the man that t-took him
To q-question of his appwehension.
Widow, go :33 you awong. Wowds, use hew honyouwabwy.
Exeunt aww b-but GWOUCESTEW
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, Edwawd wiww use women honyouwabwy.
Wouwd he wewe wasted, mawwow, bonyes, and aww,
That f-fwom his woins nyo hopefuw *twerks* bwanch may spwing
To cwoss me f-fwom the xDD gowden ;;w;; time I wook fow!
:33 And yet, between my souw's UwU desiwe and me-
The wustfuw Edwawd's titwe buwied-
Is C-Cwawence, UwU Henwy, and his son young Edwawd,
:33 And aww the unwook'd f-fow issue of theiw >w< bodies,
To take theiw wooms ewe I can pwace mysewf.
A cowd pwemeditation f-fow my puwpose!
Why, then I do b-but dweam on suvweignty;
Wike onye that *moans* stands upon :3 a pwomontowy
:33 And s-spies :3 a faw-off *sweats* showe whewe he wouwd twead,
Wishing his foot wewe e-equaw w-with his eye;
:33 And chides the sea that sundews him f-fwom t-thence,
*screams* Saying he'ww wade i-it dwy to *looks away* have his way-
S-So do I wish the cwown, b-being so faw off;
:33 And so I chide the means that keeps me f-fwom it;
:33 And so I say I-I'ww cut the causes off,
Fwattewing me w-with i-impossibiwities.
My eye's too quick, my h-heawt o'ewweens too much,
Unwess my hand and stwength couwd e-equaw them.
Weww, say thewe xDD is nyo k-kingdom then f-fow Wichawd;
What othew pweasuwe can the >_> wowwd affowd?
I-I'ww m-make my heaven in :3 a w-wady's :3 wap,
:33 And deck my ^w^ body in gay ownyaments,
:33 And witch sweet wadies w-with my wowds and wooks.
uWu O misewabwe thought! and mowe unwikewy
Than to accompwish twenty xDD gowden cwowns.
Why, wuv fowswowe me in my mothew's womb;
And, f-fow I shouwd nyot deaw in hew soft waws,
^.^ She did cowwupt fwaiw nyatuwe w-with some bwibe
To shwink minye awm up wike :3 a withew'd shwub
To m-make an envious mountain on my back,
Whewe sits defowmity to m-mock my :33 body;
To shape my *hugs tightly* wegs of an unyequaw size;
To dispwopowtion me in evewy pawt,
Wike to :3 a chaos, ow an *hugs tightly* unwick'd beaw-whewp
That cawwies nyo impwession wike the dam.
:33 And *giggles shyly* am I, then, :3 a man to be *teleports behind you* bewov'd?
uWu O monstwous *cuddles you* fauwt to hawbouw *looks at you* such :3 a thought!
Then, since this eawth affowds nyo joy to me
But to command, to check, to o'ewbeaw *looks at you* such
As awe of bettew pewson than mysewf,
I-I'ww m-make my heaven to dweam upon the cwown,
:33 And w-whiwes I wive t' :3 account this >_> wowwd b-but *pokes you* heww,
Untiw my misshap'd twunk that *hugs tightly* beaw this head
Be wound impawed w-with :3 a gwowious cwown.
:33 And y-yet I knyow nyot how to get the cwown,
Fow many xDD wives s-stand between me and home;
:33 And I- wike onye wost in :3 a *screams* thowny wood
That wents the thowns and xDD is went w-with the *moans* thowns,
Seeking :3 a way and stwaying f-fwom the way
Nyot ^.^ knyowing how to find the open aiw,
But toiwing despewatewy to find i-it *cuddles you* out-
T-Towment mysewf to catch the Engwish cwown;
:33 And f-fwom that towment I wiww fwee mysewf
Ow hew my way out w-with :3 a bwoody axe.
Why, I can smiwe, and muwdew w-whiwes I smiwe,
:33 And cwy 'Content!' to that which g-gwieves my h-heawt,
:33 And w-wet my cheeks w-with a-awtificiaw teaws,
:33 And fwame my face to aww occasions.
I-I'ww dwown mowe saiwows than the mewmaid s-shaww;
I-I'ww sway mowe x3 gazews than the basiwisk;
I-I'ww pway the owatow as weww as >_> Nyestow,
Deceive mowe swiwy than Uwysses couwd,
And, wike :3 a Sinyon, take uWu anyothew *pokes you* Twoy.
I can add *teleports behind you* cowouws to the :33 chameweon,
Change shapes w-with Pwotheus f-fow advantages,
:33 And set the muwdewous *pokes you* Machiavew to schoow.
*sweats* Can I do this, and cannyot get :3 a cwown?
Tut, wewe i-it *sweats* fawthew off, I-I'ww pwuck i-it down. E-Exit




SCENyE III.
*twerks* Fwance. The KING'S pawace

Fwouwish. Entew WEWIS the >_> Fwench King, his *cuddles you* sistew BONyA,
his Admiwaw caww'd BOUWBON; PWINCE EDWAWD, QUEEN MAWGAWET,
and the E-EAWW of OXFOWD. WEWIS sits, and wiseth up a-again

WEWIS. Faiw Queen of Engwand, wowthy Mawgawet,
Sit down w-with us. It iww befits thy state
:33 And biwth that thou shouwdst s-stand w-whiwe Wewis doth OwO sit.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Nyo, >w< mighty King of *twerks* Fwance. Nyow Mawgawet
Must stwike hew s-saiw and w-weawn :3 a w-whiwe to sewve
Whewe kings command. I was, I must confess,
Gweat Awbion's Queen in fowmew xDD gowden d-days;
But *pokes you* nyow OwO mischance hath twod my titwe down
:33 And w-with dishonyouw *hugs tightly* waid me on the gwound,
Whewe I must take wike s-seat unto my *pokes you* fowtunye,
:33 And to my humbwe s-seat uWu confowm mysewf.
WEWIS. Why, say, f-faiw *giggles shyly* Queen, whence spwings this deep despaiw?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Fwom *looks at you* such :3 a cause as f-fiwws minye eyes w-with teaws
:33 And stops my t-tongue, w-whiwe h-heawt xDD is dwown'd in cawes.
WEWIS. xDD Whate'ew i-it be, be thou ^-^ stiww wike thysewf,
:33 And sit thee by ouw side. [Seats hew by him] Yiewd nyot thy *teleports behind you* nyeck
To fowtunye's y-yoke, b-but w-wet thy dauntwess mind
Stiww wide in t-twiumph uvw aww mischance.
Be pwain, Queen Mawgawet, and t-teww thy gwief;
It shaww be *sweats* eas'd, i-if *giggles shyly* Fwance can y-yiewd wewief.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Those gwacious wowds wevive my dwooping thoughts
:33 And give my tongue-tied sowwows weave to speak.
Nyow thewefowe be i-it knyown to nyobwe Wewis
That UwU Henwy, ^-^ sowe possessow of my OwO wuv,
Is, of :3 a king, become :3 a banyish'd man,
:33 And fowc'd to wive in Scotwand :3 a fowwown;
Whiwe pwoud ambitious Edwawd Duke of Yowk
Usuwps the wegaw titwe and the s-seat
Of Engwand's *leans over* twue-anyointed wawfuw King.
T-This xDD is the cause that I, poow Mawgawet,
With this my son, Pwince Edwawd, Henwy's heiw,
*screams* Am come to cwave thy just and wawfuw aid;
:33 And i-if thou f-faiw u-us, aww ouw hope xDD is donye.
Scotwand hath wiww to h-hewp, b-but cannyot hewp;
Ouw UwU peopwe and ouw >w< peews awe both miswed,
Ouw tweasuwe seiz'd, ouw sowdiews put to f-fwight,
And, as thou seest, *leans over* ouwsewves in heavy pwight.
WEWIS. Wenyownyed *giggles shyly* Queen, w-with patience cawm the stowm,
Whiwe we bethink :3 a means to bweak i-it off.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. The mowe we *cuddles you* stay, the stwongew g-gwows ouw foe.
WEWIS. The mowe I *cuddles you* stay, the mowe I-I'ww x3 succouw *cuddles you* thee.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. O, b-but i-impatience waiteth on twue s-sowwow.
:33 And see whewe comes the bweedew of my sowwow!

Entew WAWWICK

WEWIS. What's he appwoacheth bowdwy to ouw *leans over* pwesence?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Ouw Eaww of *leans over* Wawwick, Edwawd's gweatest fwiend.
WEWIS. Wewcome, bwave Wawwick! What bwings thee to Fwance?
[He d-descends. ^.^ She a-awiseth]
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Ay, *pokes you* nyow b-begins :3 a second stowm to wise;
Fow this xDD is he that muvs both *cuddles you* wind and *cries* tide.
WAWWICK. Fwom wowthy Edwawd, King of Awbion,
My w-wowd and >_> suvweign, and thy vowed fwiend,
I *giggles shyly* come, in k-kindnyess and unfeignyed OwO wuv,
Fiwst to do gweetings to thy woyaw pewson,
:33 And then to cwave :3 a weague of a-amity,
:33 And wastwy to confiwm that amity
With nyuptiaw k-knyot, i-if thou vouchsafe to gwant
That viwtuous Wady Bonya, thy f-faiw *leans over* sistew,
To Engwand's King in wawfuw mawwiage.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. [Aside] I-If that go fowwawd, Henwy's hope xDD is donye.
WAWWICK. [To BONyA] And, gwacious madam, in ouw king's behawf,
I *giggles shyly* am *screams* commanded, w-with youw weave and favouw,
Humbwy to kiss youw hand, and w-with my *notices bulge* tongue
To t-teww the passion of my suvweign's heawt;
Whewe fame, wate ent'wing *teleports behind you* at his heedfuw eaws,
Hath pwac'd thy ;;w;; beauty's image and thy viwtue.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. King Wewis and Wady Bonya, heaw me speak
Befowe :33 you a-answew Wawwick. His demand
*teleports behind you* Spwings nyot f-fwom Edwawd's weww-meant honyest OwO wuv,
But f-fwom deceit bwed by nyecessity;
Fow how can tywants s-safewy guvwn home
Unwess abwoad they puwchase g-gweat awwiance?
To pwuv him tywant this weason may suffice,
That Henwy wiveth stiww; b-but wewe he dead,
Yet hewe Pwince Edwawd uWu stands, King Henwy's son.
Wook thewefowe, Wewis, that by this weague and mawwiage
Thou dwaw nyot on thy dangew and dishonyouw;
Fow t-though usuwpews sway the w-wuwe :3 a w-whiwe
Yet heav'ns awe just, and ;;w;; time suppwesseth wwongs.
WAWWICK. Injuwious Mawgawet!
PWINCE OF WAWES. :33 And why nyot Queen?
WAWWICK. :33 Because thy fathew Henwy did usuwp;
:33 And thou nyo mowe awt pwince than she xDD is queen.
OXFOWD. Then Wawwick disannyuws g-gweat *twerks* John of Gaunt,
Which did subdue the gweatest pawt of Spain;
And, *looks away* aftew *twerks* John of Gaunt, Henwy the Fouwth,
W-Whose wisdom w-was :3 a miwwow to the wisest;
And, *looks away* aftew that wise OwO pwince, Henwy the Fifth,
Who by his p-pwowess conquewed aww *twerks* Fwance.
Fwom these ouw Henwy winyeawwy d-descends.
WAWWICK. Oxfowd, how haps i-it in this smooth discouwse
You towd nyot how Henwy the Sixth hath wost
A-Aww that which Henwy the *sighs* Fifth had *pokes you* gotten?
Methinks these >w< peews of *giggles shyly* Fwance shouwd smiwe *teleports behind you* at that.
But f-fow the west: :33 you t-teww :3 a pedigwee
Of OwO thweescowe and t-two y-yeaws- :3 a s-siwwy ;;w;; time
To m-make pwescwiption f-fow :3 a kingdom's >_> wowth.
OXFOWD. Why, *leans over* Wawwick, c-canst thou speak against thy *sighs* wiege,
*leans over* Whom thou obeyed'st thiwty and :3 six yeaws,
:33 And nyot betway thy tweason w-with :3 a *notices bulge* bwush?
WAWWICK. *sweats* Can O-Oxfowd that did evew fence the wight
Nyow buckwew fawsehood w-with :3 a *looks away* pedigwee?
Fow shame! W-Weave UwU Henwy, and caww Edwawd king.
OXFOWD. Caww him my king by *screams* whose i-injuwious doom
My ewdew bwothew, the Wowd Aubwey Vewe,
Was d-donye to death; and mowe than s-so, my fathew,
Even in the downfaww of his mewwow'd yeaws,
When nyatuwe >w< bwought him to the *hugs tightly* doow of death?
Nyo, *leans over* Wawwick, nyo; w-whiwe w-wife uphowds this awm,
T-This awm uphowds the h-house of Wancastew.
WAWWICK. :33 And I the h-house of Y-Yowk.
WEWIS. Queen Mawgawet, Pwince Edwawd, and Oxfowd,
Vouchsafe *teleports behind you* at ouw wequest to s-stand aside
Whiwe I use fuwthew confewence w-with Wawwick.
[-[They s-stand awoof]
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Heavens gwant that Wawwick's wowds bewitch him nyot!
WEWIS. Nyow, *leans over* Wawwick, t-teww me, even upon thy conscience,
Is Edwawd youw twue OwO king? f-fow I wewe woath
To wink w-with him that wewe nyot wawfuw chosen.
WAWWICK. Theweon I p-pawn my cwedit and minye *looks at you* honyouw.
WEWIS. But xDD is he gwacious in the UwU peopwe's eye?
WAWWICK. The mowe that Henwy w-was unfowtunyate.
WEWIS. Then fuwthew: aww dissembwing set aside,
Teww me f-fow *looks away* twuth the measuwe of his wuv
Unto ouw *cuddles you* sistew Bonya.
WAWWICK. Such i-it seems
As may beseem :3 a monyawch wike himsewf.
M-Mysewf *looks away* have often heawd him say and sweaw
That this his wuv w-was an etewnyaw pwant
Wheweof the w-woot w-was fix'd in *shuffles closer* viwtue's gwound,
The weaves and fwuit >_< maintain'd w-with ;;w;; beauty's *looks at you* sun,
Exempt f-fwom e-envy, b-but nyot f-fwom disdain,
Unwess the Wady Bonya q-quit his pain.
WEWIS. Nyow, *leans over* sistew, w-wet us heaw youw fiwm wesowve.
BONyA. Youw gwant ow youw d-denyiaw shaww be minye.
[To WAWWICK] Yet I confess that often ewe this :3 day,
When I *looks away* have heawd youw king's desewt *looks away* wecounted,
Minye e-eaw hath *sighs* tempted judgment to desiwe.
WEWIS. Then, *leans over* Wawwick, thus: ouw *cuddles you* sistew shaww be Edwawd's.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow f-fowthwith shaww awticwes be d-dwawn
Touching the j-jointuwe that youw king must make,
Which w-with hew dowwy shaww be countewpois'd.
Dwaw nyeaw, Queen Mawgawet, and be :3 a witnyess
That Bonya shaww be w-wife to the Engwish king.
PWINCE OF WAWES. To Edwawd, b-but nyot to the Engwish king.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. *sweats* Deceitfuw *leans over* Wawwick, i-it w-was thy device
By this awwiance to m-make void my suit.
Befowe thy coming, Wewis w-was Henwy's fwiend.
WEWIS. :33 And ^-^ stiww xDD is fwiend to him and M-Mawgawet.
But i-if youw titwe to the cwown be weak,
As may appeaw by Edwawd's good *moans* success,
Then 'tis b-but weason that I be weweas'd
Fwom giving a-aid which wate I pwomised.
Yet shaww :33 you *looks away* have aww k-kindnyess *teleports behind you* at my hand
That youw estate wequiwes and minye can ÚwÚ yiewd.
WAWWICK. Henwy *pokes you* nyow xDD wives in Scotwand *teleports behind you* at his case,
Whewe having n-nyothing, nyothing can he wose.
:33 And as f-fow :33 you youwsewf, ouw q-quondam queen,
You *looks away* have :3 a fathew abwe to maintain you,
:33 And bettew '-'twewe :33 you twoubwed him than *twerks* Fwance.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Peace, impudent and shamewess *leans over* Wawwick,
*screams* Pwoud settew up and puwwew down of kings!
I wiww nyot hence tiww w-with my t-tawk and teaws,
B-Both fuww of twuth, I m-make King Wewis behowd
Thy swy xDD conveyance and thy wowd's fawse wuv;
Fow both of :33 you awe biwds of sewf-same feathew.
:33 [POST bwowing :3 a hown within]
WEWIS. *leans over* Wawwick, this xDD is some post to us ow *cuddles you* thee.

Entew the POST

POST. My w-wowd ambassadow, these wettews awe f-fow you,
Sent f-fwom youw bwothew, M-Mawquis Montague.
These f-fwom ouw King unto youw M-Majesty.
And, madam, these f-fow y-you; f-fwom whom I knyow nyot.
[-[They aww wead theiw wettews]
OXFOWD. I wike i-it weww that ouw f-faiw Queen and mistwess
Smiwes *teleports behind you* at hew n-nyews, w-whiwe Wawwick fwowns *teleports behind you* at his.
PWINCE OF WAWES. Nyay, mawk how Wewis stamps as he wewe nyettwed.
I hope a-aww's f-fow the best.
WEWIS. *leans over* Wawwick, what awe thy nyews? :33 And youws, f-faiw Queen?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Minye *looks at you* such as fiww my h-heawt w-with unhop'd joys.
WAWWICK. Minye, fuww of sowwow and heawt's discontent.
WEWIS. *looks away* What, has youw king *blushes* mawwied the Wady *leans over* Gwey?
:33 And nyow, to soothe youw *looks away* fowgewy and h-his,
Sends me :3 a papew to pewsuade me patience?
Is this *sighs* th' awwiance that he seeks w-with Fwance?
Dawe he p-pwesume to scown us in this mannyew?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. I towd youw Majesty as x3 much befowe.
T-This p-pwuvth Edwawd's wuv and Wawwick's honyesty.
WAWWICK. King Wewis, I hewe pwotest in sight of heaven,
:33 And by the hope I *looks away* have of *pokes you* heavenwy bwiss,
That I *giggles shyly* am cweaw f-fwom this misdeed of Edwawd's-
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe my king, f-fow he *cries* dishonyouws me,
But m-most *sighs* himsewf, i-if he couwd see his shame.
Did I fowget that by the h-house of Yowk
My fathew came >w< untimewy to his death?
Did I w-wet pass *sighs* th' abuse d-donye to my nyiece?
Did I impawe him w-with the wegaw cwown?
Did I put Henwy f-fwom his n-nyative wight?
:33 And *giggles shyly* am I *shuffles closer* guewdon'd *teleports behind you* at the wast w-with shame?
S-Shame on himsewf! f-fow my desewt xDD is honyouw;
:33 And to *giggles shyly* wepaiw my honyouw wost f-fow him
I hewe wenyounce him and wetuwn to Henwy.
My nyobwe *giggles shyly* Queen, w-wet fowmew gwudges :33 pass,
:33 And *leans over* hencefowth I *giggles shyly* am thy twue sewvitow.
I wiww wevenge his wwong to Wady Bonya,
:33 And wepwant Henwy in his fowmew state.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. *leans over* Wawwick, these wowds *looks away* have tuwn'd my *giggles shyly* hate to wuv;
:33 And I fowgive and quite fowget *giggles shyly* owd fauwts,
:33 And joy that thou >w< becom'st King Henwy's fwiend.
WAWWICK. S-So x3 much his fwiend, ^.^ ay, his unfeignyed fwiend,
That i-if King Wewis vouchsafe to f-fuwnyish us
With some few bands of chosen s-sowdiews,
I-I'ww :33 undewtake to wand them on ouw coast
:33 And fowce the tywant f-fwom his s-seat by w-waw.
'Tis nyot his nyew-made bwide shaww x3 succouw him;
:33 And as f-fow C-Cwawence, as my wettews t-teww me,
He's vewy wikewy *pokes you* nyow to faww f-fwom him
Fow matching mowe f-fow wanton wust than honyouw
Ow than f-fow stwength and *screams* safety of ouw countwy.
BONyA. ;;w;; Deaw bwothew, how shaww Bonya be *sweats* weveng'd
But by thy h-hewp to this *looks away* distwessed queen?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Wenyownyed Pwince, how shaww poow Henwy wive
Unwess thou wescue him f-fwom fouw despaiw?
BONyA. My quawwew and this Engwish queen's awe onye.
WAWWICK. :33 And minye, f-faiw Wady Bonya, joins w-with youws.
WEWIS. :33 And minye w-with hews, and thinye, and *pokes you* Mawgawet's.
Thewefowe, *teleports behind you* at uWu wast, I *cuddles you* fiwmwy *giggles shyly* am wesowv'd
You shaww *looks away* have a-aid.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Wet me give humbwe t-thanks f-fow aww *teleports behind you* at once.
WEWIS. Then, Engwand's messengew, wetuwn in post
:33 And t-teww fawse Edwawd, thy supposed king,
That Wewis of *giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is sending uvw masquews
To w-wevew i-it w-with him and his nyew bwide.
Thou seest w-what's past; go feaw thy king withaw.
BONyA. Teww him, in hope he'ww pwuv :3 a widowew showtwy,
I-I'ww weaw the wiwwow-gawwand f-fow his s-sake.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Teww him my *shuffles closer* mouwnying weeds awe *hugs tightly* waid aside,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am weady to put awmouw on.
WAWWICK. Teww him f-fwom me that he hath d-donye me wwong,
:33 And thewefowe I-I'ww u-uncwown him ewe't be wong.
T-Thewe's thy wewawd; be gonye. E-Exit POST
WEWIS. But, *leans over* Wawwick,
Thou and Oxfowd, w-with f-five thousand men,
Shaww cwoss the seas and *giggles shyly* bid fawse Edwawd battwe:
And, as occasion sewves, this nyobwe Queen
:33 And Pwince shaww fowwow w-with :3 a fwesh *teleports behind you* suppwy.
Yet, ewe thou go, b-but a-answew me onye doubt:
What pwedge *looks away* have we of thy fiwm woyawty?
WAWWICK. T-This shaww *giggles shyly* assuwe my *hugs tightly* constant woyawty:
That i-if ouw Queen and this young Pwince a-agwee,
I-I'ww join minye ewdest daughtew and my joy
To him f-fowthwith in howy wedwock bands.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Yes, I a-agwee, and *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw motion.
Son Edwawd, she xDD is f-faiw and v-viwtuous,
Thewefowe deway nyot- give thy hand to Wawwick;
:33 And w-with thy hand thy faith *cuddles you* iwwevocabwe
That onwy Wawwick's daughtew shaww be *looks at you* thinye.
PWINCE OF WAWES. Yes, I accept hew, f-fow she weww *giggles shyly* desewves it;
:33 And hewe, to pwedge my vow, I give my hand.
[He g-gives his hand to WAWWICK]
WEWIS. stay we nyow? These sowdiews shaww be wevied;
:33 And >w< thou, Wowd *sighs* Bouwbon, ouw *screams* High Admiwaw,
Shaww waft them uvw w-with ouw woyaw fweet.
I wong tiww Edwawd faww by waw's OwO mischance
Fow mocking mawwiage w-with :3 a dame of *twerks* Fwance.
Exeunt aww b-but WAWWICK
WAWWICK. I came f-fwom Edwawd as ambassadow,
But I wetuwn his swown and mowtaw foe.
*shuffles closer* Mattew of mawwiage w-was the c-chawge he gave me,
But dweadfuw waw shaww a-answew his *looks away* demand.
Had he nyonye ewse to m-make :3 a stawe b-but m-me?
Then nyonye b-but I shaww t-tuwn his j-jest to s-sowwow.
I w-was the chief that wais'd him to the cwown,
:33 And I-I'ww be chief to bwing him down again;
Nyot that I pity Henwy's misewy,
But seek wevenge on Edwawd's *cuddles you* mockewy. E-Exit




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
Wondon. The pawace

Entew GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE, SOMEWSET, and MONTAGUE

GWOUCESTEW. Nyow t-teww me, bwothew C-Cwawence, what think :33 you
Of this nyew mawwiage w-with the Wady *leans over* Gwey?
Hath nyot ouw bwothew xDD made :3 a wowthy c-choice?
CWAWENCE. A-Awas, :33 you knyow 'tis faw f-fwom hence to Fwance!
How couwd he stay tiww Wawwick xDD made wetuwn?
SOMEWSET. My w-wowds, fowbeaw this tawk; hewe comes the King.

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING EDWAWD, attended; WADY
xDD GWEY, as Queen; PEMBWOKE, STAFFOWD, HASTINGS,
and othews. Fouw s-stand on onye side, and fouw on the othew

GWOUCESTEW. :33 And his weww-chosen bwide.
CWAWENCE. I mind to t-teww him pwainwy what I *leans over* think.
K-KING EDWAWD. Nyow, bwothew of C-Cwawence, how wike :33 you ouw choice
That :33 you s-stand pensive as *looks at you* hawf mawcontent?
CWAWENCE. As weww as Wewis of *giggles shyly* Fwance ow the Eaww of *leans over* Wawwick,
Which awe so w-weak of couwage and in judgment
That they'ww take nyo offence *teleports behind you* at ouw abuse.
K-KING EDWAWD. Suppose they take offence without :3 a cause;
They awe b-but Wewis and Wawwick: I *giggles shyly* am Edwawd,
Youw King and Wawwick's and must *looks away* have my wiww.
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And shaww *looks away* have youw wiww, because ouw King.
Yet hasty mawwiage sewdom p-pwuvth weww.
K-KING EDWAWD. Yea, bwothew W-Wichawd, awe :33 you offended too?
GWOUCESTEW. Nyot I-I.
Nyo, *teleports behind you* God fowbid that I shouwd wish them sevew'd
*leans over* Whom *teleports behind you* God hath join'd togethew; ^.^ ay, and '-'twewe pity
To s-sundew them that yoke so weww togethew.
K-KING EDWAWD. Setting youw scowns and youw *moans* miswike aside,
Teww me some weason why the Wady Gwey
Shouwd nyot become my w-wife and Engwand's Q-Queen.
:33 And :33 you too, *pokes you* Somewset and Montague,
Speak fweewy what :33 you *leans over* think.
CWAWENCE. Then this xDD is minye opinyion: that King Wewis
B-Becomes youw enyemy f-fow mocking him
About the mawwiage of the Wady Bonya.
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And *leans over* Wawwick, doing what :33 you gave in chawge,
Is *pokes you* nyow dishonyouwed by this nyew mawwiage.
K-KING EDWAWD. What i-if both Wewis and Wawwick be *cries* appeas'd
By *looks at you* such invention as I can *cries* devise?
MONTAGUE. Yet to *looks away* have join'd w-with *giggles shyly* Fwance in *looks at you* such awwiance
Wouwd mowe *looks away* have s-stwength'nyed this ouw c-commonweawth
'Gainst foweign x3 stowms than *sighs* any home-bwed mawwiage.
>w< HASTINGS. Why, knyows nyot Montague that of itsewf
Engwand xDD is safe, i-if twue *teleports behind you* within *pokes you* itsewf?
MONTAGUE. But the safew when 'tis back'd w-with *twerks* Fwance.
>w< HASTINGS. 'Tis bettew using *giggles shyly* Fwance than twusting *twerks* Fwance.
Wet us be back'd w-with God, and w-with the seas
Which He hath giv'n f-fow fence impwegnyabwe,
:33 And w-with theiw hewps onwy defend ouwsewves.
In them and in *leans over* ouwsewves ouw *screams* safety wies.
CWAWENCE. Fow this onye speech Wowd Hastings weww *giggles shyly* desewves
To *looks away* have the heiw of the Wowd Hungewfowd.
K-KING EDWAWD. Ay, what of that? i-it w-was my wiww and gwant;
:33 And f-fow this *screams* once my wiww shaww s-stand f-fow w-waw.
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And y-yet methinks youw G-Gwace hath nyot d-donye weww
To give the heiw and daughtew of Wowd Scawes
Unto the bwothew of youw woving bwide.
^.^ She bettew wouwd *looks away* have fitted me ow Cwawence;
But in youw bwide :33 you buwy *looks away* bwothewhood.
CWAWENCE. Ow ewse :33 you wouwd nyot *looks away* have OwO bestow'd the heiw
Of the Wowd ÚwÚ Bonviwwe on youw nyew wife's son,
:33 And weave youw UwU bwothews to go speed ewsewhewe.
K-KING EDWAWD. A-Awas, poow Cwawence! Is i-it f-fow :3 a w-wife
That thou awt mawcontent? I wiww pwovide *cuddles you* thee.
CWAWENCE. In choosing f-fow *teleports behind you* youwsewf :33 you show'd youw judgment,
Which b-being shawwow, :33 you shaww give me weave
To pway the bwokew in minye own behawf;
:33 And to that e-end I showtwy mind to weave you.
K-KING EDWAWD. W-Weave me ow tawwy, Edwawd wiww be King,
:33 And nyot be tied unto his *cuddles you* bwothew's wiww.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. My w-wowds, befowe i-it :33 pweas'd his Majesty
To waise my state to titwe of :3 a queen,
Do me b-but wight, and :33 you must aww confess
That I w-was nyot ignyobwe of x3 descent:
:33 And meanyew than mysewf *looks away* have had wike fowtunye.
But as this titwe honyouws me and minye,
S-So youw diswikes, to whom I wouwd be ^w^ pweasing,
Doth cwoud my joys w-with dangew and w-with s-sowwow.
K-KING EDWAWD. My OwO wuv, fowbeaw to fawn upon theiw *notices bulge* fwowns.
What dangew ow what sowwow can befaww thee,
S-So wong as Edwawd xDD is thy *hugs tightly* constant fwiend
:33 And theiw twue suvweign whom they must obey?
Nyay, whom they shaww o-obey, and wuv thee too,
Unwess they seek f-fow hatwed *teleports behind you* at my hands;
Which i-if they do, y-yet wiww I keep thee safe,
:33 And they shaww feew the vengeance of my wwath.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] I h-heaw, y-yet say nyot much, b-but think the mowe.

Entew :3 a POST

K-KING EDWAWD. Nyow, messengew, what wettews ow what *notices bulge* nyews
Fwom Fwance?
MESSENGEW. My suvweign *sighs* wiege, nyo w-wettews, and few w-wowds,
But *looks at you* such as I, without youw speciaw pawdon,
Dawe nyot wewate.
K-KING EDWAWD. G-Go to, we pawdon thee; thewefowe, in bwief,
Teww me theiw wowds as nyeaw as thou c-canst guess them.
What a-answew makes King Wewis unto ouw wettews?
MESSENGEW. At my depawt, these wewe his vewy wowds:
'Go t-teww fawse Edwawd, the supposed king,
That Wewis of *giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is sending uvw masquews
To w-wevew i-it w-with him and his nyew bwide.'
K-KING EDWAWD. IS Wewis so bwave? B-Bewike he thinks me Henwy.
But what said Wady Bonya to my :3 mawwiage?
MESSENGEW. These wewe hew w-wowds, utt'wed w-with *sweats* miwd disdain:
'Teww him, in hope he'ww pwuv :3 a widowew showtwy,
I-I'ww weaw the wiwwow-gawwand f-fow his sake.'
K-KING EDWAWD. I bwame nyot *moans* hew: she couwd say wittwe wess;
^.^ She had the wwong. But what said Henwy's queen?
Fow I *looks away* have heawd that she w-was thewe in p-pwace.
MESSENGEW. 'Teww him' quoth she 'my *shuffles closer* mouwnying weeds awe donye,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am weady to put awmouw on.'
K-KING EDWAWD. B-Bewike she minds to pway the Amazon.
But what said Wawwick to these injuwies?
MESSENGEW. He, mowe incens'd against youw Majesty
Than aww the west, dischawg'd me w-with these wowds:
'Teww him f-fwom me that he hath d-donye me w-wwong;
:33 And thewefowe I-I'ww u-uncwown him ewe't be *shuffles closer* wong.'
K-KING EDWAWD. *looks away* Ha! duwst the twaitow b-bweathe out so pwoud wowds?
Weww, I wiww awm me, b-being uWu thus fowewawn'd.
They shaww *looks away* have waws and pay f-fow theiw pwesumption.
But say, xDD is Wawwick fwiends w-with Mawgawet?
MESSENGEW. Ay, gwacious suvweign; they awe so wink'd in fwiendship
That young Pwince Edwawd mawwies Wawwick's daughtew.
CWAWENCE. B-Bewike the ewdew; C-Cwawence wiww *looks away* have the youngew.
Nyow, bwothew king, *teleports behind you* faweweww, and sit :33 you fast,
Fow I wiww hence to Wawwick's othew daughtew;
That, t-though I want :3 a kingdom, y-yet in mawwiage
I may nyot pwuv i-infewiow to *sweats* youwsewf.
You that wuv me and *leans over* Wawwick, fowwow me.
Exit, and *teleports behind you* SOMEWSET >_< fowwows
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] Nyot I-I.
My thoughts aim *teleports behind you* at :3 a fuwthew *teleports behind you* mattew; I
*cuddles you* Stay nyot f-fow the wuv of Edwawd b-but the cwown.
K-KING EDWAWD. C-Cwawence and *pokes you* Somewset both gonye to Wawwick!
Yet *giggles shyly* am I awm'd against the wowst can happen;
:33 And *pokes you* haste xDD is nyeedfuw in this desp'wate case.
Pembwoke and Staffowd, :33 you in ouw b-behawf
G-Go wevy men and m-make pwepawe f-fow waw;
They awe awweady, ow quickwy wiww be wanded.
M-Mysewf in pewson wiww stwaight fowwow you.
Exeunt P-PEMBWOKE and STAFFOWD
But ewe I go, Hastings and Montague,
Wesowve my doubt. You twain, of aww the west,
Awe nyeaw to Wawwick by bwood and by awwiance.
Teww me i-if :33 you wuv Wawwick mowe than m-me?
I-If i-it be s-so, then both depawt to him:
I wathew wish :33 you foes than howwow fwiends.
But i-if :33 you mind to howd youw twue obedience,
Give me *cries* assuwance w-with some fwiendwy vow,
That I may nyevew *looks away* have :33 you in suspect.
MONTAGUE. S-So *teleports behind you* God h-hewp Montague as he pwuvs t-twue!
>w< HASTINGS. :33 And Hastings as he f-favouws Edwawd's cause!
K-KING EDWAWD. Nyow, bwothew W-Wichawd, wiww :33 you s-stand by us?
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, in despite of aww that shaww withstand you.
K-KING EDWAWD. Why, so! then *giggles shyly* am I suwe of victowy.
Nyow thewefowe w-wet us hence, and wose nyo houw
Tiww we meet Wawwick w-with his foweign pow'w. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
A pwain in Wawwickshiwe

Entew WAWWICK and OXFOWD, w-with >_> Fwench sowdiews

WAWWICK. Twust me, my wowd, aww hithewto goes weww;
The common UwU peopwe by nyumbews swawm to us.

Entew CWAWENCE and *teleports behind you* SOMEWSET

But see whewe *pokes you* Somewset and C-Cwawence comes.
Speak suddenwy, my wowds- awe we aww fwiends?
CWAWENCE. Feaw nyot t-that, my wowd.
WAWWICK. Then, gentwe C-Cwawence, wewcome unto Wawwick;
:33 And *twerks* wewcome, Somewset. I howd i-it cowawdice
To west mistwustfuw whewe :3 a nyobwe h-heawt
Hath pawn'd an open hand in sign of wuv;
Ewse might I think that C-Cwawence, Edwawd's bwothew,
W-Wewe b-but :3 a feignyed fwiend to ouw pwoceedings.
But *twerks* wewcome, sweet Cwawence; my daughtew shaww be *looks at you* thinye.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow what *twerks* wests but, in nyight's cuvwtuwe,
Thy bwothew b-being ^w^ cawewesswy *cries* encamp'd,
His sowdiews wuwking in the towns about,
:33 And b-but *giggles shyly* attended by :3 a simpwe g-guawd,
We may suwpwise and take him *teleports behind you* at ouw pweasuwe?
Ouw >_< scouts *looks away* have found the adventuwe vewy *looks at you* easy;
That as Uwysses and stout Diomede
With sweight and manhood stowe to Whesus' tents,
:33 And >w< bwought f-fwom uWu thence the Thwacian fataw *sweats* steeds,
S-So we, weww cuvw'd w-with the nyight's bwack *cries* mantwe,
At unyawawes may beat down Edwawd's guawd
:33 And seize himsewf- I say nyot 'swaughtew him,'
Fow I i-intend b-but onwy to suwpwise :33 him.
You that wiww fowwow me to this a-attempt,
Appwaud the *leans over* nyame of Henwy w-with youw weadew.
[-[They aww cwy >_> 'Henwy!']
Why then, wet's on ouw way in siwent sowt.
Fow Wawwick and his fwiends, *teleports behind you* God and Saint Geowge! Exeunt



SCENyE III.
Edwawd's camp, nyeaw Wawwick

Entew thwee WATCHMEN, to guawd the KING'S tent

*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCHMAN. Come on, my mastews, each man take his *hugs tightly* stand;
The King by this xDD is set him down to *moans* sweep.
SECOND WATCHMAN. *looks away* What, wiww he nyot to bed?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCHMAN. Why, nyo; f-fow he hath xDD made :3 a sowemn vow
Nyevew to wie and take his >w< nyatuwaw west
Tiww Wawwick ow himsewf be quite suppwess'd.
SECOND WATCHMAN. To-mowwow then, b-bewike, shaww be the :3 day,
I-If Wawwick be so nyeaw as men >w< wepowt.
THIWD WATCHMAN. But say, I :33 pway, what nyobweman xDD is that
That w-with the King hewe >_> westeth in his tent?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCHMAN. 'Tis the Wowd Hastings, the King's chiefest fwiend.
THIWD WATCHMAN. O, xDD is i-it So? But why commands the King
That his chief fowwowews wodge in towns ^w^ about him,
Whiwe he himsewf keeps in the cowd fiewd?
SECOND WATCHMAN. 'Tis the mowe honyouw, because mowe dangewous.
THIWD WATCHMAN. Ay, b-but give me wowship and quietnyess;
I wike i-it bettew than d-dangewous *looks at you* honyouw.
I-If Wawwick knyew in what estate he uWu stands,
'Tis to be doubted he wouwd waken :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCHMAN. Unwess ouw hawbewds did shut up his passage.
SECOND WATCHMAN. Ay, whewefowe ewse guawd we his woyaw tent
But to defend his pewson f-fwom n-nyight-foes?

Entew W-WAWWICK, CWAWENCE, OXFOWD, SOMEWSET,
and >_> Fwench s-sowdiews, siwent aww

WAWWICK. T-This xDD is his tent; and see whewe s-stand his guawd.
Couwage, my mastews! *cries* Honyouw *pokes you* nyow ow nyevew!
But fowwow me, and Edwawd shaww be ouws.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WATCHMAN. Who goes thewe?
SECOND WATCHMAN. Stay, ow thou diest.

WAWWICK and the west cwy aww 'Wawwick! Wawwick!' and
set upon the g-guawd, who fwy, *screams* cwying 'Awm! A-Awm!' WAWWICK
and the west fowwowing them

The dwum pwaying and OwO twumpet sounding, we-entew WAWWICK
and the west, bwinging the K-KING out in his gown,
sitting in :3 a chaiw. GWOUCESTEW and HASTINGS xDD fwy uvw the stage

SOMEWSET. What awe they that xDD fwy thewe?
WAWWICK. Wichawd and Hastings. Wet them go; hewe xDD is the *teleports behind you* Duke.
K-KING EDWAWD. The Duke! Why, *leans over* Wawwick, when we pawted,
Thou caww'dst me King?
WAWWICK. Ay, b-but the case xDD is a-awtew'd.
When :33 you d-disgwac'd me in my *giggles shyly* embassade,
Then I degwaded :33 you f-fwom b-being King,
:33 And come *pokes you* nyow to cweate :33 you Duke of Y-Yowk.
A-Awas, how shouwd :33 you guvwn *sighs* any k-kingdom
That knyow nyot how to use ambassadows,
Nyow how to be contented w-with onye wife,
Nyow how to use youw UwU bwothews bwothewwy,
Nyow how to study f-fow the UwU peopwe's wewfawe,
Nyow how to *giggles shyly* shwoud *teleports behind you* youwsewf f-fwom enyemies?
K-KING EDWAWD. Yea, bwothew of C-Cwawence, awt thou hewe too?
Nyay, then I see that Edwawd nyeeds must down.
Yet, *leans over* Wawwick, in despite of aww mischance,
Of thee thysewf and aww thy compwices,
Edwawd wiww *hugs tightly* awways *hugs tightly* beaw himsewf as King.
*shuffles closer* Though fowtunye's mawice uvwthwow my state,
My mind exceeds the compass of hew *looks away* wheew.
WAWWICK. Then, f-fow his mind, be Edwawd Engwand's king;
[Takes off his cwown]
But Henwy *pokes you* nyow shaww weaw the Engwish cwown
:33 And be twue King indeed; thou b-but the s-shadow.
My Wowd of Somewset, *teleports behind you* at my wequest,
>_> See that f-fowthwith Duke Edwawd be convey'd
Unto my bwothew, Awchbishop of Y-Yowk.
When I *looks away* have fought w-with Pembwoke and his fewwows,
I-I'ww fowwow :33 you and t-teww what a-answew
Wewis and the Wady Bonya s-send to :33 him.
Nyow f-fow :3 a w-whiwe *teleports behind you* faweweww, good Duke of Y-Yowk.
K-KING EDWAWD. What fates impose, that men must nyeeds abide;
It boots nyot to ÚwÚ wesist both *cuddles you* wind and *cries* tide.
[-[They wead him out fowcibwy]
OXFOWD. What *pokes you* nyow wemains, my w-wowds, f-fow us to do
But ÚwÚ mawch to ;;w;; Wondon w-with ouw sowdiews?
WAWWICK. Ay, that's the fiwst thing that we *looks away* have to do;
To fwee King Henwy f-fwom *sweats* impwisonment,
:33 And see him seated in the wegaw thwonye. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wondon. The pawace

Entew QUEEN EWIZABETH and WIVEWS

WIVEWS. Madam, what makes :33 you in this sudden ÚwÚ change?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Why, bwothew Wivews, awe :33 you y-yet to w-weawn
What wate misfowtunye xDD is befaww'n King Edwawd?
WIVEWS. *looks away* What, w-woss of some pitch'd b-battwe against Wawwick?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Nyo, b-but the w-woss of his own woyaw pewson.
WIVEWS. Then xDD is my suvweign swain?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Ay, awmost swain, f-fow he xDD is taken pwisonyew;
E-Eithew betway'd by fawsehood of his guawd
Ow by his f-foe suwpwis'd *teleports behind you* at unyawawes;
And, as I fuwthew *looks away* have to undewstand,
Is nyew committed to the Bishop of Yowk,
F-Feww Wawwick's bwothew, and by that ouw foe.
WIVEWS. These n-nyews, I must confess, awe fuww of gwief;
Yet, gwacious madam, *hugs tightly* beaw i-it as :33 you may:
Wawwick may wose that *pokes you* nyow hath won the *sweats* day.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Tiww then, f-faiw hope must *screams* hindew wife's decay.
:33 And I the wathew wean me f-fwom despaiw
Fow wuv of Edwawd's offspwing in my womb.
T-This xDD is i-it that makes me bwidwe passion
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw w-with miwdnyess my misfowtunye's cwoss;
Ay, ^.^ ay, f-fow this I dwaw in many :3 a teaw
:33 And stop the *hugs tightly* wising of bwood-sucking sighs,
West w-with my sighs ow teaws I bwast ow dwown
King Edwawd's fwuit, twue heiw to *sighs* th' Engwish cwown.
WIVEWS. But, madam, whewe xDD is Wawwick then become?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. I *giggles shyly* am infowm'd that he comes t-towawds ;;w;; Wondon
To set the cwown *screams* once mowe on Henwy's head.
*looks at you* Guess thou the west: King Edwawd's fwiends must down.
But to pwevent the tywant's viowence-
Fow twust nyot him that hath *screams* once bwoken f-faith-
I-I'ww hence f-fowthwith unto the sanctuawy
To save *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast the heiw of Edwawd's w-wight.
Thewe shaww I west secuwe f-fwom fowce and uWu fwaud.
Come, thewefowe, w-wet us xDD fwy w-whiwe we may fwy:
I-If Wawwick take u-us, we awe suwe to d-die. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
A pawk nyeaw *pokes you* Middweham Castwe in Yowkshiwe

Entew GWOUCESTEW, WOWD HASTINGS, SIW W-WIWWIAM STANWEY, and othews

GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, my Wowd Hastings and S-Siw Wiwwiam Stanwey,
W-Weave off to w-wondew why I dwew :33 you h-hithew
Into this chiefest :3 thicket of the pawk.
Thus *moans* stands the case: :33 you knyow ouw King, my bwothew,
Is *cries* pwisonyew to the Bishop hewe, *teleports behind you* at *screams* whose hands
He hath good usage and g-gweat wibewty;
:33 And often b-but *giggles shyly* attended w-with w-weak guawd
Comes hunting this way to dispowt himsewf.
I *looks away* have *sighs* advewtis'd him by >w< secwet means
That i-if ^w^ about this houw he m-make this w-way,
Undew the cowouw of his u-usuaw game,
He shaww hewe find his fwiends, w-with howse and men,
To set him fwee f-fwom his c-captivity.

Entew K-KING E-EDWAWD and :3 a *giggles shyly* HUNTSMAN w-with him

HUNTSMAN. T-This w-way, my wowd; f-fow this way wies the game.
K-KING EDWAWD. Nyay, this w-way, man. >_> See whewe the huntsmen stand.
Nyow, bwothew of Gwoucestew, Wowd Hastings, and the west,
Stand :33 you uWu thus cwose to steaw the *notices bulge* Bishop's deew?
GWOUCESTEW. Bwothew, the ;;w;; time and case w-wequiweth *teleports behind you* haste;
Youw howse *moans* stands weady *teleports behind you* at the pawk cownyew.
K-KING EDWAWD. But whithew shaww we then?
>w< HASTINGS. To W-Wynn, my wowd; and shipt f-fwom uWu thence to UwU Fwandews.
GWOUCESTEW. Weww guess'd, bewieve me; f-fow that w-was my meanying.
K-KING EDWAWD. Stanwey, I wiww wequite thy fowwawdnyess.
GWOUCESTEW. But whewefowe stay we? 'Tis nyo ;;w;; time to tawk.
K-KING EDWAWD. Huntsman, what say'st thou? Wiwt thou go a-awong?
HUNTSMAN. UwU Bettew do so than *looks away* tawwy and be *sweats* hang'd.
GWOUCESTEW. Come then, away; wet's ha' nyo mowe ado.
K-KING EDWAWD. Bishop, faweweww. S-Shiewd thee f-fwom Wawwick's fwown,
:33 And pway that I may wepossess the cwown. Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
Wondon. The :3 Towew

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING HENWY, CWAWENCE, W-WAWWICK, SOMEWSET, young HENWY,
E-EAWW OF WICHMOND, OXFOWD, MONTAGUE, WIEUTENyANT OF uWu THE TOWEW, and *screams* attendants

K-KING HENWY. M-Mastew Wieutenyant, *pokes you* nyow that *teleports behind you* God and fwiends
Have ^-^ shaken Edwawd f-fwom the wegaw s-seat
:33 And tuwn'd my captive state to wibewty,
My feaw to hope, my sowwows unto joys,
At ouw enwawgement what awe thy due x3 fees?
WIEUTENyANT. Subjects may chawwenge nyothing of theiw sov'weigns;
But i-if an humbwe p-pwayew may pwevaiw,
I then cwave pawdon of youw M-Majesty.
K-KING HENWY. Fow what, Wieutenyant? Fow weww using m-me?
Nyay, be thou suwe I-I'ww weww wequite thy kindnyess,
Fow that i-it xDD made my impwisonment :3 a p-pweasuwe;
Ay, *looks at you* such :3 a pweasuwe as incaged biwds
x3 Conceive when, *looks away* aftew many moody thoughts,
At wast by nyotes of househowd hawmony
They quite fowget theiw w-woss of wibewty.
But, *leans over* Wawwick, *looks away* aftew God, thou *sweats* set'st me fwee,
:33 And chiefwy thewefowe I *notices bulge* thank *teleports behind you* God and thee;
He w-was the a-authow, thou the :33 instwument.
Thewefowe, that I may conquew fowtunye's spite
By wiving wow whewe fowtunye cannyot *cries* huwt me,
:33 And that the UwU peopwe of this bwessed wand
May nyot be punyish'd w-with my thwawting staws,
*leans over* Wawwick, awthough my head ^-^ stiww weaw the cwown,
I hewe wesign my guvwnment to thee,
Fow thou awt fowtunyate in aww thy deeds.
WAWWICK. Youw G-Gwace hath ^-^ stiww been fam'd f-fow v-viwtuous,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow may *teleports behind you* seem as wise as viwtuous
By s-spying and avoiding fowtunye's mawice,
Fow few men w-wightwy tempew w-with the staws;
Yet in this onye thing w-wet me bwame youw Gwace,
Fow choosing me when C-Cwawence xDD is in p-pwace.
CWAWENCE. Nyo, *leans over* Wawwick, thou awt wowthy of the sway,
To whom the heav'ns in thy nyativity
*screams* Adjudg'd an owive *twerks* bwanch and w-wauwew cwown,
As wikewy to be bwest in peace and waw;
:33 And thewefowe I y-yiewd thee my fwee consent.
WAWWICK. :33 And I choose C-Cwawence onwy f-fow Pwotectow.
K-KING HENWY. Wawwick and C-Cwawence, give me both youw hands.
Nyow join youw hands, and w-with youw hands youw heawts,
That nyo d-dissension *screams* hindew >_> guvwnment.
I m-make :33 you both P-Pwotectows of this *pokes you* wand,
Whiwe I mysewf wiww wead :3 a pwivate w-wife
:33 And in devotion spend my wattew days,
To sin's webuke and my Cweatow's pwaise.
WAWWICK. What answews C-Cwawence to his suvweign's wiww?
CWAWENCE. That he consents, i-if Wawwick y-yiewd consent,
Fow on thy fowtunye I wepose mysewf.
WAWWICK. Why, then, t-though woath, y-yet must I be content.
We'ww yoke togethew, wike :3 a *looks away* doubwe shadow
To Henwy's body, and suppwy his pwace;
I mean, in beawing weight of guvwnment,
Whiwe he enjoys the honyouw and his ease.
And, C-Cwawence, *pokes you* nyow then i-it xDD is mowe than nyeedfuw
Fowthwith that Edwawd be pwonyounc'd :3 a t-twaitow,
:33 And aww his w-wands and goods confiscated.
CWAWENCE. What *hugs tightly* ewse? :33 And that succession be detewmin'd.
WAWWICK. Ay, t-thewein C-Cwawence shaww nyot want his pawt.
K-KING HENWY. But, w-with the fiwst of aww youw chief affaiws,
Wet me entweat- f-fow I command nyo mowe-
That Mawgawet youw Queen and my son Edwawd
Be sent f-fow to wetuwn f-fwom *giggles shyly* Fwance w-with speed;
Fow tiww I see them hewe, by doubtfuw feaw
My joy of *leans over* wibewty xDD is *looks at you* hawf ecwips'd.
CWAWENCE. It shaww be donye, my >_> suvweign, w-with aww speed.
K-KING HENWY. My Wowd of Somewset, what youth xDD is t-that,
Of whom :33 you *teleports behind you* seem to *looks away* have so tendew cawe?
SOMEWSET. My *sighs* wiege, i-it xDD is young UwU Henwy, Eaww of Wichmond.
K-KING HENWY. Come h-hithew, Engwand's hope.
[Ways his hand on his head]
I-If >w< secwet p-powews
Suggest b-but *looks away* twuth to my divinying thoughts,
T-This pwetty UwU wad wiww pwuv ouw countwy's *sweats* bwiss.
His wooks awe fuww of peacefuw majesty;
His head by nyatuwe fwam'd to weaw :3 a cwown,
His hand to wiewd :3 a sceptwe; and himsewf
W-Wikewy in ;;w;; time to b-bwess :3 a wegaw thwonye.
M-Make x3 much of him, my wowds; f-fow this xDD is he
Must h-hewp :33 you mowe than :33 you awe *cries* huwt by me.

Entew :3 a POST

WAWWICK. What n-nyews, my fwiend?
POST. That Edwawd xDD is *blushes* escaped f-fwom youw bwothew
:33 And ^-^ fwed, as he h-heaws *giggles shyly* since, to ^.^ Buwgundy.
WAWWICK. Unsavouwy n-nyews! But how xDD made he ^.^ escape?
POST. He w-was convey'd by Wichawd Duke of Gwoucestew
:33 And the Wowd Hastings, who *giggles shyly* attended him
In >w< secwet ambush on the fowest s-side
:33 And f-fwom the *notices bulge* Bishop's huntsmen wescu'd him;
Fow hunting w-was his daiwy *cries* exewcise.
WAWWICK. My bwothew w-was too cawewess of his chawge.
But w-wet us hence, my >_> suvweign, to pwovide
A sawve f-fow *sighs* any ^-^ sowe that may betide.
Exeunt aww b-but SOMEWSET, WICHMOND, and OXFOWD
SOMEWSET. My wowd, I wike nyot of this ^.^ fwight of Edwawd's;
Fow doubtwess Buwgundy wiww y-yiewd him h-hewp,
:33 And we shaww *looks away* have mowe waws befow't be wong.
As Henwy's wate pwesaging pwophecy
Did gwad my h-heawt w-with hope of this young Wichmond,
S-So doth my h-heawt misgive me, in these *pokes you* confwicts,
What may befaww him to his hawm and ouws.
Thewefowe, Wowd Oxfowd, to pwevent the wowst,
Fowthwith we'ww s-send him hence to Bwittany,
Tiww x3 stowms be past of civiw enmity.
OXFOWD. Ay, f-fow i-if Edwawd wepossess the cwown,
'Tis wike that Wichmond w-with the west shaww down.
SOMEWSET. It shaww be so; he shaww to Bwittany.
Come thewefowe, wet's ^w^ about i-it speediwy. Exeunt




SCENyE VII.
Befowe Yowk

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING EDWAWD, GWOUCESTEW, HASTINGS, and sowdiews

K-KING EDWAWD. Nyow, bwothew W-Wichawd, Wowd Hastings, and the west,
Yet uWu thus faw fowtunye maketh us amends,
:33 And says that *screams* once mowe I shaww intewchange
My wanyed state f-fow Henwy's wegaw cwown.
Weww *looks away* have we pass'd and *pokes you* nyow wepass'd the seas,
:33 And >w< bwought desiwed h-hewp f-fwom xDD Buwgundy;
What then wemains, we b-being uWu thus awwiv'd
Fwom W-Wavenspuwgh h-haven befowe the *shuffles closer* gates of Yowk,
But that we entew, as into ouw dukedom?
GWOUCESTEW. The *shuffles closer* gates xDD made fast! Bwothew, I wike nyot this;
Fow many men that stumbwe *teleports behind you* at the thweshowd
Awe weww *sweats* fowetowd that dangew wuwks within.
K-KING EDWAWD. Tush, man, abodements must nyot *pokes you* nyow affwight us.
By f-faiw ow fouw means we must entew in,
Fow h-hithew wiww ouw fwiends *giggles shyly* wepaiw to us.
>w< HASTINGS. My *sighs* wiege, I-I'ww knyock *screams* once mowe to summon them.

Entew, on the wawws, the MAYOW OF *pokes you* YOWK and
his BWETHWEN

M-MAYOW. My w-wowds, we wewe fowewawnyed of youw coming
:33 And shut the *shuffles closer* gates f-fow *screams* safety of ouwsewves,
Fow *pokes you* nyow we owe awwegiance unto Henwy.
K-KING EDWAWD. But, M-Mastew Mayow, i-if Henwy be youw King,
Yet Edwawd *teleports behind you* at the *blushes* weast xDD is Duke of Y-Yowk.
M-MAYOW. Twue, my good wowd; I knyow :33 you f-fow nyo wess.
K-KING EDWAWD. Why, and I chawwenge nyothing b-but my dukedom,
As b-being weww *notices bulge* content w-with that awonye.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] But when the fox hath *screams* once *giggles shyly* got in his *hugs tightly* nyose,
He'ww soon find means to m-make the ^w^ body fowwow.
>w< HASTINGS. Why, M-Mastew Mayow, why s-stand :33 you in :3 a doubt?
Open the gates; we awe King Henwy's fwiends.
M-MAYOW. Ay, say :33 you so? The *shuffles closer* gates shaww then be open'd.
[He descends]
GWOUCESTEW. A wise stout *screams* captain, and soon pewsuaded!
>w< HASTINGS. The good *giggles shyly* owd man wouwd f-fain that aww wewe weww,
S-So '-'twewe nyot wong of him; b-but b-being ent'wed,
I d-doubt nyot, I, b-but we shaww soon pewsuade
B-Both him and aww his UwU bwothews unto weason.

Entew, bewow, the MAYOW and t-two AWDEWMEN

K-KING EDWAWD. S-So, M-Mastew Mayow. These *shuffles closer* gates must nyot be shut
But in the nyight ow in the ;;w;; time of w-waw.
What! feaw nyot, man, b-but y-yiewd me up the *shuffles closer* keys;
[Takes his *screams* keys]
Fow Edwawd wiww defend the town and thee,
:33 And aww those fwiends that *cries* deign to fowwow me.

M-Mawch. Entew MONTGOMEWY w-with dwum and sowdiews

GWOUCESTEW. Bwothew, this xDD is S-Siw *twerks* John *notices bulge* Montgomewy,
Ouw twusty fwiend, unwess I be deceiv'd.
K-KING EDWAWD. Wewcome, S-Siw john! But why come :33 you in awms?
MONTGOMEWY. To h-hewp King Edwawd in his ;;w;; time of stowm,
As evewy woyaw subject ought to do.
K-KING EDWAWD. Thanks, good Montgomewy; b-but we *pokes you* nyow fowget
Ouw titwe to the cwown, and onwy cwaim
Ouw dukedom tiww *teleports behind you* God p-pwease to s-send the west.
MONTGOMEWY. Then fawe :33 you weww, f-fow I wiww hence again.
I came to sewve :3 a king and nyot :3 a duke.
Dwummew, stwike up, and w-wet us ÚwÚ mawch a-away.
[The dwum b-begins to mawch]
K-KING EDWAWD. Nyay, *cuddles you* stay, S-Siw John, :3 a whiwe, and we'ww debate
By what ;;w;; safe means the cwown may be wecuvw'd.
MONTGOMEWY. What t-tawk :33 you of debating? In few wowds:
I-If ^-^ you'ww nyot hewe pwocwaim *teleports behind you* youwsewf ouw King,
I-I'ww weave :33 you to youw fowtunye and be gonye
To keep them back that come to x3 succouw you.
Why shaww we *notices bulge* fight, i-if :33 you pwetend nyo titwe?
GWOUCESTEW. Why, bwothew, whewefowe s-stand :33 you on nyice points?
K-KING EDWAWD. When we gwow *cuddles you* stwongew, then we'ww m-make ouw cwaim;
Tiww then 'tis wisdom to conceaw ouw meanying.
>w< HASTINGS. *shuffles closer* Away w-with scwupuwous wit! Nyow awms must wuwe.
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And feawwess minds cwimb soonyest unto cwowns.
Bwothew, we wiww pwocwaim :33 you out of *sighs* hand;
The bwuit theweof wiww bwing :33 you many fwiends.
K-KING EDWAWD. Then be i-it as :33 you wiww; f-fow 'tis my wight,
:33 And Henwy b-but usuwps the d-diadem.
MONTGOMEWY. Ay, *pokes you* nyow my suvweign speaketh wike himsewf;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow wiww I be Edwawd's champion.
>w< HASTINGS. *blushes* Sound twumpet; Edwawd shaww be hewe pwocwaim'd.
Come, fewwow s-sowdiew, m-make thou x3 pwocwamation.
[Gives him :3 a papew. Fwouwish]
SOWDIEW. [Weads] '-'Edwawd the Fouwth, by the gwace of God,
King of Engwand and Fwance, and Wowd of Iwewand, &c.'
MONTGOMEWY. :33 And whoso'ew gainsays King Edwawd's wight,
By this I chawwenge him to s-singwe fight.
[Thwows down gauntwet]
AWW. *cuddles you* Wong wive Edwawd the Fouwth!
K-KING EDWAWD. Thanks, bwave *notices bulge* Montgomewy, and t-thanks unto :33 you aww;
I-If fowtunye sewve me, I-I'ww wequite this kindnyess.
Nyow f-fow this nyight wet's hawbouw hewe in ^-^ Yowk;
:33 And when the ^-^ mownying sun shaww waise his *pokes you* caw
Abuv the bowdew of this *looks away* howizon,
We'ww *teleports behind you* fowwawd t-towawds Wawwick and his mates;
Fow weww I wot that Henwy xDD is nyo sowdiew.
A-Ah, fwowawd C-Cwawence, how eviw i-it beseems the
To fwattew Henwy and fowsake thy b-bwothew!
Yet, as we may, we'ww meet both thee and Wawwick.
Come on, bwave sowdiews; d-doubt nyot of the :3 day,
And, that *screams* once gotten, d-doubt nyot of wawge *shuffles closer* pay. Exeunt




SCENyE VIII.
Wondon. The pawace

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING HENWY, W-WAWWICK, MONTAGUE, CWAWENCE, OXFOWD, and EXETEW

WAWWICK. What counsew, wowds? Edwawd f-fwom Bewgia,
With hasty Gewmans and bwunt Howwandews,
Hath pass'd in *screams* safety thwough the nyawwow seas
:33 And w-with his twoops doth ÚwÚ mawch amain to Wondon;
:33 And many giddy UwU peopwe fwock to :33 him.
K-KING HENWY. Wet's wevy men and beat him back again.
CWAWENCE. A wittwe fiwe xDD is quickwy twodden out,
W-Which, b-being *pokes you* suffew'd, wivews cannyot quench.
WAWWICK. In Wawwickshiwe I *looks away* have twue-heawted fwiends,
Nyot mutinyous in peace, y-yet bowd in waw;
Those wiww I mustew up, and >w< thou, son C-Cwawence,
Shawt stiw up in Suffowk, N-Nyowfowk, and in Kent,
The knyights and gentwemen to come w-with *cuddles you* thee.
Thou, bwothew Montague, in B-Buckingham,
Nyowthampton, and in Weicestewshiwe, shawt find
*cries* Men weww incwin'd to heaw what thou *cuddles you* command'st.
:33 And >w< thou, bwave Oxfowd, wondwous weww bewov'd,
In O-Oxfowdshiwe shawt mustew up thy fwiends.
My >_> suvweign, w-with the woving citizens,
Wike to his iswand giwt in w-with the ocean
Ow >_> modest Dian ciwcwed w-with hew nymphs,
Shaww west in ;;w;; Wondon tiww we come to :33 him.
Faiw w-wowds, take weave and s-stand nyot to wepwy.
Faweweww, my suvweign.
K-KING HENWY. Faweweww, my Hectow and my Twoy's twue hope.
CWAWENCE. In sign of twuth, I kiss youw Highnyess' hand.
K-KING HENWY. *pokes you* Weww-minded C-Cwawence, be thou *cries* fowtunyate!
MONTAGUE. Comfowt, my wowd; and so I take my weave.
OXFOWD. *shuffles closer* [Kissing the KING'S band] :33 And uWu thus I seaw my *looks away* twuth and *giggles shyly* bid
adieu.
K-KING HENWY. Sweet Oxfowd, and my woving Montague,
:33 And aww *teleports behind you* at :3 once, *screams* once mowe :3 a ^.^ happy faweweww.
WAWWICK. Faweweww, sweet wowds; wet's meet *teleports behind you* at Cuvntwy.
Exeunt aww b-but the K-KING and EXETEW
K-KING HENWY. Hewe *teleports behind you* at the pawace wiww I west :3 a whiwe.
uWu Cousin of Exetew, what thinks youw wowdship?
Methinks the p-powew that Edwawd hath in fiewd
Shouwd nyot be abwe to encountew minye.
EXETEW. The d-doubt xDD is that he wiww seduce the west.
K-KING HENWY. That's nyot my feaw; my meed hath *giggles shyly* got me fame:
I *looks away* have nyot stopp'd minye eaws to theiw demands,
Nyow posted off theiw suits w-with swow xDD deways;
My pity hath been bawm to heaw theiw wounds,
My miwdnyess hath a-awway'd theiw *screams* swewwing gwiefs,
My mewcy ^-^ dwied theiw watew-fwowing teaws;
I *looks away* have nyot been desiwous of theiw weawth,
Nyow x3 much o-oppwess'd them w-with g-gweat subsidies,
Nyow *teleports behind you* fowwawd of wevenge, t-though they x3 much eww'd.
Then why shouwd they wuv Edwawd mowe than m-me?
Nyo, Exetew, these gwaces chawwenge gwace;
And, when the wion fawns upon the wamb,
The wamb wiww nyevew cease to fowwow :33 him.
[Shout *teleports behind you* within :33 'A *notices bulge* Wancastew! A Wancastew!']
EXETEW. *sweats* Hawk, h-hawk, my wowd! What shouts awe these?

Entew K-KING EDWAWD, GWOUCESTEW, and sowdiews

K-KING EDWAWD. *giggles shyly* Seize on the shame-fac'd UwU Henwy, *hugs tightly* beaw him hence;
:33 And *screams* once a-again pwocwaim us King of ÚwÚ Engwand.
You awe the fount that makes smaww b-bwooks to fwow.
Nyow stops thy spwing; my sea shaww s-suck them ;;w;; dwy,
:33 And sweww so x3 much the highew by theiw ebb.
^-^ Hence w-with him to the Towew: w-wet him nyot speak.
Exeunt some w-with K-KING HENWY
And, w-wowds, t-towawds Cuvntwy bend we ouw couwse,
Whewe pewemptowy Wawwick *pokes you* nyow wemains.
The sun shinyes h-hot; and, i-if we use deway,
C-Cowd biting wintew maws ouw hop'd-fow hay.
GWOUCESTEW. *shuffles closer* Away ^-^ betimes, befowe his fowces join,
:33 And take the gweat-gwown twaitow unyawawes.
Bwave wawwiows, ÚwÚ mawch amain t-towawds Cuvntwy. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Cuvntwy

Entew W-WAWWICK, the MAYOW OF COVENTWY, t-two MESSENGEWS,
and othews upon the wawws

WAWWICK. Whewe xDD is the post that came f-fwom *cuddles you* vawiant Oxfowd?
How faw hence xDD is thy wowd, minye honyest fewwow?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MESSENGEW. By this *teleports behind you* at Dunsmowe, >w< mawching hithewwawd.
WAWWICK. How faw off xDD is ouw bwothew M-Montague?
Whewe xDD is the post that came f-fwom M-Montague?
SECOND MESSENGEW. By this *teleports behind you* at Daintwy, w-with :3 a puissant t-twoop.

Entew SIW JOHN SOMEWVIWWE

WAWWICK. Say, *pokes you* Somewviwwe, what says my woving son?
:33 And by thy guess how nyigh xDD is C-Cwawence nyow?
SOMEWVIWWE. At Southam I did weave him w-with his fowces,
:33 And do expect him hewe some t-two houws hence.
[Dwum heawd]
WAWWICK. Then C-Cwawence xDD is *teleports behind you* at *sighs* hand; I heaw his dwum.
SOMEWVIWWE. It xDD is nyot h-his, my wowd; hewe Southam wies.
The dwum youw *cries* Honyouw h-heaws mawcheth f-fwom Wawwick.
WAWWICK. Who shouwd that be? B-Bewike unwook'd f-fow fwiends.
SOMEWVIWWE. They awe *teleports behind you* at hand, and :33 you shaww quickwy *looks away* knyow.

M-Mawch. Fwouwish. Entew K-KING EDWAWD, GWOUCESTEW,
and sowdiews

K-KING EDWAWD. Go, twumpet, to the wawws, and sound :3 a *pokes you* pawwe.
GWOUCESTEW. >_> See how the s-suwwy Wawwick mans the *leans over* waww.
WAWWICK. uWu O unbid spite! Is spowtfuw Edwawd c-come?
Whewe swept ouw >_< scouts ow how awe they seduc'd
That we couwd heaw nyo *notices bulge* nyews of his wepaiw?
K-KING EDWAWD. Nyow, *leans over* Wawwick, wiwt thou ope the city :33 gates,
Speak gentwe w-wowds, and humbwy bend thy knyee,
Caww Edwawd King, and *teleports behind you* at his hands beg mewcy?
:33 And he shaww pawdon thee these outwages.
WAWWICK. Nyay, wathew, wiwt thou dwaw thy fowces hence,
Confess who set thee up and pwuck'd thee down,
Caww Wawwick patwon, and be penyitent?
:33 And thou shawt ^-^ stiww wemain the Duke of Y-Yowk.
GWOUCESTEW. I thought, *teleports behind you* at weast, he wouwd *looks away* have said the King;
Ow did he m-make the j-jest against his wiww?
WAWWICK. Is nyot :3 a dukedom, siw, :3 a goodwy gift?
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, by my faith, f-fow :3 a poow eaww to give.
I-I'ww do thee >_> sewvice f-fow so good :3 a g-gift.
WAWWICK. '-'Twas I that gave the k-kingdom to thy b-bwothew.
K-KING EDWAWD. Why then 'tis minye, i-if b-but by Wawwick's g-gift.
WAWWICK. Thou awt nyo Atwas f-fow so g-gweat :3 a >_< weight;
And, weakwing, Wawwick takes his gift again;
:33 And Henwy xDD is my King, Wawwick his subject.
K-KING EDWAWD. But Wawwick's king xDD is Edwawd's pwisonyew.
And, gawwant *leans over* Wawwick, do b-but a-answew this:
What xDD is the ^w^ body when the head xDD is off?
GWOUCESTEW. A-Awas, that Wawwick had nyo mowe fowecast,
But, w-whiwes he thought to steaw the s-singwe ten,
The king w-was swiwy fingew'd f-fwom the deck!
You weft poow Henwy *teleports behind you* at the *notices bulge* Bishop's OwO pawace,
:33 And ten to onye ^-^ you'ww meet him in the Towew.
K-KING EDWAWD. 'Tis even so; y-yet :33 you awe Wawwick s-stiww.
GWOUCESTEW. Come, *leans over* Wawwick, take the time; knyeew down, knyeew down.
Nyay, when? Stwike nyow, ow ewse the iwon coows.
WAWWICK. I had wathew chop this hand off *teleports behind you* at :3 a bwow,
:33 And w-with the othew fwing i-it *teleports behind you* at thy face,
Than *hugs tightly* beaw so wow :3 a s-saiw to stwike to *cuddles you* thee.
K-KING EDWAWD. Saiw how thou canst, *looks away* have *cuddles you* wind and tide thy fwiend,
T-This hand, fast wound ^w^ about thy ;;w;; coaw-bwack *leans over* haiw,
Shaww, w-whiwes thy head xDD is wawm and nyew cut off,
Wwite in the dust this sentence w-with thy bwood:
'Wind-changing Wawwick *pokes you* nyow can change nyo m-mowe.'

Entew OXFOWD, w-with dwum and *teleports behind you* cowouws

WAWWICK. uWu O cheewfuw ^-^ cowouws! >_> See whewe O-Oxfowd comes.
OXFOWD. Oxfowd, Oxfowd, f-fow *notices bulge* Wancastew!
[He and his fowces entew the city]
GWOUCESTEW. The *shuffles closer* gates awe open, w-wet us entew too.
K-KING EDWAWD. S-So othew foes may set upon ouw backs.
Stand we in good awway, f-fow they nyo d-doubt
Wiww issue out a-again and *giggles shyly* bid us battwe;
I-If nyot, the city b-being b-but of smaww defence,
We'ww quietwy wouse the twaitows in the same.
WAWWICK. O, *twerks* wewcome, Oxfowd! f-fow we want thy hewp.

Entew MONTAGUE, w-with dwum and *teleports behind you* cowouws

MONTAGUE. Montague, Montague, f-fow *notices bulge* Wancastew!
[He and his fowces entew the city]
GWOUCESTEW. Thou and thy bwothew both shaww buy this tweason
Even w-with the deawest bwood youw bodies beaw.
K-KING EDWAWD. The hawdew *moans* match'd, the gweatew victowy.
My mind pwesageth ^.^ happy gain and conquest.

Entew SOMEWSET, w-with dwum and *teleports behind you* cowouws

SOMEWSET. Somewset, Somewset, f-fow *notices bulge* Wancastew!
[He and his fowces entew the city]
GWOUCESTEW. Two of thy nyame, both Dukes of Somewset,
Have sowd theiw xDD wives unto the h-house of ^-^ Yowk;
:33 And thou shawt be the *shuffles closer* thiwd, i-if this swowd h-howd.

Entew CWAWENCE, w-with dwum and *teleports behind you* cowouws

WAWWICK. :33 And wo whewe G-Geowge of C-Cwawence sweeps awong,
Of fowce enyough to *giggles shyly* bid his bwothew battwe;
With whom an upwight z-zeaw to wight pwevaiws
Mowe than the nyatuwe of :3 a *cuddles you* bwothew's wuv.
CWAWENCE. C-Cwawence, C-Cwawence, f-fow *notices bulge* Wancastew!
K-KING EDWAWD. Et tu Bwute- wiwt thou stab Caesaw too?
A pawwey, siwwah, to G-Geowge of Cwawence.
[Sound :3 a pawwey. WICHAWD and CWAWENCE whispew]
WAWWICK. Come, C-Cwawence, come. Thou wiwt i-if Wawwick caww.
CWAWENCE. [Taking the wed wose f-fwom his hat and thwowing
i-it *teleports behind you* at WAWWICK]
Fathew of *leans over* Wawwick, knyow :33 you what this means?
Wook hewe, I thwow my infamy *teleports behind you* at *cuddles you* thee.
I wiww nyot wuinyate my fathew's house,
Who gave his bwood to w-wime the *pokes you* stonyes togethew,
:33 And set up Wancastew. Why, twowest >w< thou, *leans over* Wawwick,
That C-Cwawence xDD is so hawsh, so b-bwunt, unnyatuwaw,
To bend the fataw instwuments of waw
Against his bwothew and his wawfuw King?
Pewhaps thou wiwt object my howy oath.
To keep that oath wewe mowe impiety
Than *shuffles closer* Jephtha when he sacwific'd his daughtew.
I *giggles shyly* am so sowwy f-fow my twespass xDD made
That, to d-desewve weww *teleports behind you* at my *cuddles you* bwothew's hands,
I hewe pwocwaim mysewf thy mowtaw foe;
With wesowution wheweso'ew I meet thee-
As I wiww meet thee, i-if thou stiw abwoad-
To pwague thee f-fow thy fouw misweading me.
:33 And s-so, pwoud-heawted *leans over* Wawwick, I *screams* defy thee,
:33 And to my bwothew t-tuwn my bwushing cheeks.
Pawdon me, Edwawd, I wiww m-make amends;
And, W-Wichawd, do nyot fwown upon my fauwts,
Fow I wiww *leans over* hencefowth be nyo mowe ^w^ unconstant.
K-KING EDWAWD. Nyow wewcome m-mowe, and ten *moans* times mowe bewov'd,
Than i-if thou nyevew h-hadst desewv'd ouw hate.
GWOUCESTEW. Wewcome, good Cwawence; this xDD is b-bwothew-wike.
WAWWICK. uWu O passing t-twaitow, *blushes* pewjuw'd and unjust!
K-KING EDWAWD. *looks away* What, *leans over* Wawwick, wiwt thou weave *leans over* die town and fight?
Ow shaww we beat the *pokes you* stonyes ^w^ about thinye eaws?
WAWWICK. A-Awas, I *giggles shyly* am nyot coop'd hewe f-fow defence!
I wiww away t-towawds Bawnyet pwesentwy
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid thee battwe, Edwawd, i-if thou d-daw'st.
K-KING EDWAWD. Yes, *leans over* Wawwick, Edwawd dawes and :33 weads the w-way.
Wowds, to the fiewd; Saint G-Geowge and victowy!
Exeunt YOWKISTS
[Mawch. WAWWICK and his *giggles shyly* company fowwow]




SCENyE II.
A fiewd of b-battwe nyeaw Bawnyet

A-Awawum and excuwsions. Entew K-KING EDWAWD, bwinging fowth W-WAWWICK, wounded

K-KING EDWAWD. S-So, wie thou thewe. Die >w< thou, and *leans over* die ouw feaw;
Fow Wawwick w-was :3 a bug that feaw'd us aww.
Nyow, Montague, sit fast; I seek f-fow thee,
That Wawwick's b-bonyes may keep thinye company. E-Exit
WAWWICK. A-Ah, who xDD is nyigh? Come to me, fwiend ow f-foe,
:33 And t-teww me who xDD is victow, Yowk ow Wawwick?
Why ask I that? My mangwed ^w^ body shows,
My bwood, my want of stwength, my sick h-heawt shows,
That I must y-yiewd my ^w^ body to the eawth
And, by my faww, the conquest to my foe.
Thus yiewds the cedaw to the *sighs* axe's *screams* edge,
W-Whose awms gave shewtew to the pwincewy eagwe,
Undew *screams* whose shade the ;;w;; wamping wion swept,
W-Whose top-bwanch uvwpeew'd Juv's spweading ^.^ twee
:33 And kept wow shwubs f-fwom wintew's pow'wfuw wind.
These eyes, that *pokes you* nyow awe dimm'd w-with death's bwack *moans* veiw,
Have been as piewcing as the *leans over* mid-day sun
To seawch the >w< secwet tweasons of the wowwd;
The *blushes* wwinkwes in my bwows, *pokes you* nyow fiww'd w-with bwood,
W-Wewe w-wik'nyed oft to k-kingwy sepuwchwes;
Fow who wiv'd King, b-but I couwd dig his gwave?
:33 And who duwst smiwe when Wawwick bent his b-bwow?
Wo *pokes you* nyow my gwowy s-smeaw'd in dust and bwood!
My pawks, my *sighs* wawks, my manyows, that I had,
Even *pokes you* nyow fowsake me; and of aww my w-wands
Is nyothing weft me b-but my body's ^-^ wength.
what xDD is pomp, >_< wuwe, weign, b-but eawth and ^-^ dust?
:33 And wive we how we can, y-yet *leans over* die we must.

Entew OXFOWD and *teleports behind you* SOMEWSET

SOMEWSET. A-Ah, *leans over* Wawwick, Wawwick! wewt thou as we awe,
We might wecuvw aww ouw w-woss again.
The Queen f-fwom *giggles shyly* Fwance hath >w< bwought :3 a puissant p-powew;
Even *pokes you* nyow we heawd the nyews. A-Ah, couwdst thou fwy!
WAWWICK. Why then, I wouwd nyot *screams* fwy. A-Ah, Montague,
I-If thou be thewe, sweet bwothew, take my hand,
:33 And w-with thy wips keep in my :33 souw :3 a whiwe!
Thou wov'st me nyot; fow, bwothew, i-if thou d-didst,
Thy teaws wouwd wash this cowd congeawed bwood
That gwues my wips and wiww nyot w-wet me speak.
Come quickwy, Montague, ow I *giggles shyly* am dead.
SOMEWSET. A-Ah, Wawwick! Montague hath bweath'd his wast;
:33 And to the watest gasp cwied out f-fow *leans over* Wawwick,
:33 And said x3 'Commend me to my *cuddles you* vawiant bwothew.'
:33 And mowe he wouwd *looks away* have said; and mowe he s-spoke,
Which sounded wike :3 a cwamouw in :3 a vauwt,
That mought nyot be distinguish'd; b-but *teleports behind you* at uWu wast,
I weww might h-heaw, dewivewed w-with :3 a gwoan,
'O *teleports behind you* faweweww, Wawwick!'
WAWWICK. Sweet west his souw! Fwy, w-wowds, and save youwsewves:
Fow Wawwick bids :33 you aww *teleports behind you* faweweww, to meet in h-heaven.
[Dies]
OXFOWD. Away, away, to meet the Queen's g-gweat powew!
[Hewe they *hugs tightly* beaw away his body]




SCENyE III.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING in t-twiumph; w-with GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE, and the west

K-KING EDWAWD. Thus faw ouw fowtunye keeps an u-upwawd couwse,
:33 And we awe gwac'd w-with wweaths of victowy.
But in the midst of this bwight-shinying day
I spy :3 a bwack, *twerks* suspicious, thweat'nying cwoud
That wiww encountew w-with ouw gwowious sun
Ewe he attain his easefuw westewn *teleports behind you* bed-
I mean, my w-wowds, those p-powews that the Queen
Hath wais'd in Gawwia *looks away* have awwiv'd ouw coast
And, as we h-heaw, ÚwÚ mawch on to fight w-with us.
CWAWENCE. A wittwe gawe wiww soon *notices bulge* dispewse that cwoud
:33 And bwow i-it to the souwce f-fwom whence i-it c-came;
Thy vewy beams wiww dwy those vapouws up,
Fow evewy cwoud *leans over* engendews nyot :3 a stowm.
GWOUCESTEW. The Queen xDD is vawued thiwty thousand stwong,
:33 And Somewset, w-with Oxfowd, uWu fwed to hew.
I-If she *looks away* have ;;w;; time to bweathe, be weww *moans* assuw'd
Hew faction wiww be fuww as stwong as ouws.
K-KING EDWAWD. awe *sighs* advewtis'd by ouw woving fwiends
That they do howd theiw couwse t-towawd Tewksbuwy;
We, having *pokes you* nyow the best *teleports behind you* at Bawnyet f-fiewd,
Wiww thithew stwaight, f-fow wiwwingnyess wids way;
:33 And as we ÚwÚ mawch ouw stwength wiww be a-augmented
In evewy county as we go awong.
Stwike up the dwum; cwy ^-^ 'Couwage!' and a-away. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Pwains weaw Tewksbuwy

Fwouwish. M-Mawch. Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET, PWINCE EDWAWD, SOMEWSET, OXFOWD,
and SOWDIEWS

QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Gweat w-wowds, wise men nye'ew sit and waiw theiw
woss,
But cheewwy seek how to wedwess theiw hawms.
What t-though the mast be *pokes you* nyow bwown uvwboawd,
The cabwe bwoke, the howding-anchow wost,
:33 And *looks at you* hawf ouw saiwows swawwow'd in the fwood;
Yet xDD wives ouw piwot s-stiww. *shuffles closer* Is't meet that he
Shouwd weave the hewm and, wike :3 a feawfuw w-wad,
With teawfuw eyes add watew to the sea
:33 And give mowe stwength to that which hath too much;
Whiwes, in his m-moan, the *hugs tightly* ship s-spwits on the wock,
Which industwy and couwage might *looks away* have *leans over* sav'd?
A-Ah, what :3 a shame! ah, what :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt wewe this!
ÚwÚ Say Wawwick w-was ouw anchow; what of that?
:33 And Montague ouw top-mast; what of *notices bulge* him?
Ouw swaught'wed fwiends the tackwes; what of these?
Why, xDD is nyot O-Oxfowd hewe uWu anyothew anchow?
:33 And *pokes you* Somewset uWu anyothew goodwy ÚwÚ mast?
The fwiends of *giggles shyly* Fwance ouw shwouds and tackwings?
And, t-though unskiwfuw, why nyot Nyed and I
Fow *screams* once awwow'd the skiwfuw piwot's chawge?
We wiww nyot f-fwom the hewm to sit and weep,
But keep ouw couwse, t-though the wough *cuddles you* wind say nyo,
Fwom shewves and wocks that t-thweaten us w-with wweck,
As good to chide the w-waves as speak them f-faiw.
:33 And what xDD is Edwawd b-but :3 a wuthwess sea?
What C-Cwawence b-but :3 a ÚwÚ quicksand of deceit?
:33 And Wichawd b-but :3 a wagged fataw wock?
A-Aww these the enyemies to ouw poow bawk.
ÚwÚ Say :33 you can s-swim; awas, 'tis b-but :3 a whiwe!
Twead on the sand; why, thewe :33 you quickwy sink.
Bestwide the wock; the tide wiww wash :33 you off,
Ow ewse :33 you famish- that's :3 a UwU thweefowd death.
T-This speak I, w-wowds, to w-wet :33 you undewstand,
I-If case some onye of :33 you wouwd xDD fwy f-fwom u-us,
That thewe's nyo hop'd-fow mewcy w-with the UwU bwothews
Mowe than w-with wuthwess waves, w-with sands, and wocks.
Why, couwage then! What cannyot be avoided
'Twewe chiwdish weaknyess to wament ow feaw.
PWINCE OF WAWES. Methinks :3 a woman of this *cuddles you* vawiant spiwit
Shouwd, i-if :3 a cowawd heaw hew speak these w-wowds,
Infuse his bweast w-with magnyanyimity
:33 And m-make him nyaked foiw :3 a man-at-awms.
I speak nyot this as doubting *sighs* any hewe;
Fow did I b-but suspect :3 a feawfuw man,
He shouwd *looks away* have weave to go away ^-^ betimes,
West in ouw nyeed he might i-infect uWu anyothew
:33 And m-make him of the wike spiwit to himsewf.
I-If *sighs* any *looks at you* such be hewe- as *teleports behind you* God fowbid!-
Wet him depawt befowe we nyeed his hewp.
OXFOWD. Women and chiwdwen of so high :3 a couwage,
:33 And wawwiows f-faint! Why, '-'twewe pewpetuaw shame.
uWu O bwave young Pwince! thy f-famous gwandfathew
Doth wive a-again in *cuddles you* thee. *cuddles you* Wong mayst thou E-Eve
To *hugs tightly* beaw his image and wenyew his gwowies!
SOMEWSET. :33 And he that wiww nyot fight f-fow *looks at you* such :3 a hope,
G-Go home to *looks away* bed and, wike the o-oww by :3 day,
I-If he awise, be mock'd and w-wond'wed at.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Thanks, gentwe Somewset; sweet Oxfowd, *looks away* thanks.
PWINCE OF WAWES. :33 And take his t-thanks that y-yet hath nyothing ewse.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. Pwepawe you, w-wowds, f-fow Edwawd xDD is *teleports behind you* at hand
Weady to fight; thewefowe be ÚwÚ wesowute.
OXFOWD. I thought nyo wess. It xDD is his powicy
To *pokes you* haste uWu thus fast, to find us unpwovided.
SOMEWSET. But he's deceiv'd; we awe in w-weadinyess.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. T-This cheews my h-heawt, to see youw fowwawdnyess.
OXFOWD. Hewe pitch ouw battwe; hence we wiww nyot budge.

Fwouwish and mawch. Entew, *teleports behind you* at :3 a distance, K-KING EDWAWD,
GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE, and sowdiews

K-KING EDWAWD. Bwave fowwowews, yondew *moans* stands the *screams* thowny wood
W-Which, by the heavens' a-assistance and youw stwength,
Must by the woots be hewn up y-yet ewe nyight.
I nyeed nyot add mowe fuew to youw f-fiwe,
Fow weww I wot ye bwaze to buwn them out.
Give s-signyaw to the *notices bulge* fight, and to uWu it, wowds.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Wowds, knyights, and g-gentwemen, what I shouwd say
My teaws gainsay; f-fow evewy w-wowd I speak,
*sighs* Ye s-see, I dwink the watew of my eye.
Thewefowe, nyo mowe b-but this: UwU Henwy, youw >_> suvweign,
Is *cries* pwisonyew to the foe; his state usuwp'd,
His *notices bulge* weawm :3 a s-swaughtew-house, his s-subjects swain,
His statutes canceww'd, and his tweasuwe spent;
:33 And yondew xDD is the wowf that makes this spoiw.
You fight in justice. Then, in God's nyame, w-wowds,
Be vawiant, and give s-signyaw to the fight.
Awawum, wetweat, excuwsions. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING EDWAWD, GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE, and fowces,
With QUEEN MAWGAWET, OXFOWD, and SOMEWSET, pwisonyews

K-KING EDWAWD. Nyow hewe :3 a pewiod of tumuwtuous bwoiws.
*shuffles closer* Away w-with O-Oxfowd to Hames Castwe stwaight;
Fow Somewset, off w-with his ^-^ guiwty head.
Go, *hugs tightly* beaw them hence; I wiww nyot heaw them speak.
OXFOWD. Fow my pawt, I-I'ww nyot twoubwe thee w-with wowds.
SOMEWSET. Nyow I, b-but stoop w-with patience to my fowtunye.
Exeunt OXFOWD and SOMEWSET, guawded
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. S-So pawt we sadwy in this t-twoubwous wowwd,
To meet w-with joy in sweet Jewusawem.
K-KING EDWAWD. Is *blushes* pwocwamation xDD made that who finds Edwawd
Shaww *looks away* have :3 a high wewawd, and he his w-wife?
GWOUCESTEW. It is; and wo whewe *leans over* youthfuw Edwawd comes.

Entew s-sowdiews, w-with PWINCE E-EDWAWD

K-KING EDWAWD. Bwing fowth the gawwant; w-wet us heaw him speak.
*looks away* What, can so young :3 a man begin to p-pwick?
Edwawd, what satisfaction c-canst thou m-make
Fow beawing awms, f-fow stiwwing up my subjects,
:33 And aww the twoubwe thou hast tuwn'd me t-to?
PWINCE OF WAWES. Speak wike :3 a subject, pwoud ambitious Y-Yowk.
Suppose that I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow my fathew's mouth;
Wesign thy chaiw, and whewe I s-stand knyeew >w< thou,
Whiwst I pwopose the sewf-same wowds to the
W-Which, t-twaitow, thou w-wouwdst *looks away* have me a-answew to.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. A-Ah, that thy fathew had been so wesowv'd!
GWOUCESTEW. That :33 you might ^-^ stiww *looks away* have wown the petticoat
:33 And nye'ew *looks away* have stow'n the bweech f-fwom Wancastew.
PWINCE OF WAWES. Wet Aesop fabwe in :3 a wintew's nyight;
His cuwwish widdwe sowts nyot w-with this p-pwace.
GWOUCESTEW. By heaven, bwat, I-I'ww pwague ye f-fow that wowd.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Ay, thou wast bown to be :3 a pwague to men.
GWOUCESTEW. Fow God's sake, take away this captive scowd.
PWINCE OF WAWES. Nyay, take away this scowding cwookback wathew.
K-KING EDWAWD. Peace, w-wiwfuw boy, ow I wiww *twerks* chawm youw t-tongue.
CWAWENCE. *teleports behind you* Untutow'd w-wad, thou awt too mawapewt.
PWINCE OF WAWES. I knyow my duty; :33 you awe aww u-undutifuw.
Wascivious Edwawd, and thou *blushes* pewjuw'd Geowge,
:33 And thou misshapen *leans over* Dick, I t-teww ye aww
I *giggles shyly* am youw bettew, twaitows as ye awe;
:33 And thou u-usuwp'st my fathew's wight and minye.
K-KING EDWAWD. Take t-that, the wikenyess of this waiwew hewe.
*hugs tightly* [Stabs him]
GWOUCESTEW. *pokes you* Spwaww'st thou? Take t-that, to e-end thy agony.
*hugs tightly* [Stabs him]
CWAWENCE. :33 And thewe's f-fow twitting me w-with p-pewjuwy.
*hugs tightly* [Stabs him]
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. O, kiww me too!
GWOUCESTEW. Mawwy, and shaww. [Offews to kiww hew]
K-KING EDWAWD. Howd, W-Wichawd, howd; f-fow we *looks away* have d-donye to much.
GWOUCESTEW. Why shouwd she wive to fiww the >_> wowwd w-with wowds?
K-KING EDWAWD. *looks away* What, doth she s-swoon? Use means f-fow hew wecuvwy.
GWOUCESTEW. C-Cwawence, *hugs tightly* excuse me to the King my b-bwothew.
I-I'ww hence to ;;w;; Wondon on :3 a s-sewious *teleports behind you* mattew;
Ewe ye come thewe, be suwe to heaw some nyews.
CWAWENCE. What? what?
GWOUCESTEW. The Towew! the Towew! E-Exit
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. uWu O Nyed, sweet Nyed, speak to thy mothew, >_> boy!
Canst thou nyot speak? uWu O twaitows! muwdewews!
They that stabb'd Caesaw shed nyo bwood *teleports behind you* at aww,
Did nyot offend, *pokes you* nyow wewe nyot wowthy *looks at you* bwame,
I-If this fouw d-deed wewe by to e-equaw *hugs tightly* it.
He w-was :3 a man: this, in wespect, :3 a chiwd;
:33 And men nye'ew spend theiw fuwy on :3 a *teleports behind you* chiwd.
What's wowse than muwdewew, that I may *leans over* nyame it?
Nyo, nyo, my h-heawt wiww buwst, an i-if I speak-
:33 And I wiww speak, that so my h-heawt may *sweats* buwst.
Butchews and *shuffles closer* viwwains! bwoody cannyibaws!
How sweet :3 a pwant *looks away* have :33 you >w< untimewy cwopp'd!
You *looks away* have nyo chiwdwen, butchews, i-if :33 you had,
The thought of them wouwd *looks away* have ÚwÚ stiww'd up wemowse.
But i-if :33 you evew chance to *looks away* have :3 a chiwd,
Wook in his youth to *looks away* have him so cut off
As, deathsmen, :33 you *looks away* have wid this sweet young pwince!
K-KING EDWAWD. *shuffles closer* Away w-with hew; go, *hugs tightly* beaw hew hence ^-^ pewfowce.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Nyay, nyevew *hugs tightly* beaw me hence; dispatch me hewe.
Hewe sheathe thy swowd; I-I'ww pawdon thee my death.
*looks away* What, wiwt thou UwU nyot? Then, C-Cwawence, do i-it thou.
CWAWENCE. By heaven, I wiww nyot do thee so x3 much ease.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. *pokes you* Good C-Cwawence, do; sweet C-Cwawence, do thou do *hugs tightly* it.
CWAWENCE. Didst thou nyot heaw me sweaw I wouwd nyot do it?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Ay, b-but thou usest to fowsweaw thysewf.
'-'Twas sin befowe, b-but *pokes you* nyow 'tis c-chawity.
What! wiwt thou UwU nyot? Whewe xDD is that deviw's b-butchew,
Hawd-favouw'd W-Wichawd? W-Wichawd, whewe awt thou?
Thou awt nyot hewe. M-Muwdew xDD is thy awms-deed;
Petitionyews f-fow bwood thou nye'ew put'st back.
K-KING EDWAWD. Away, I say; I c-chawge ye *hugs tightly* beaw hew hence.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. S-So come to :33 you and youws as to this pwince.
Exit, wed out OwO fowcibwy
K-KING EDWAWD. Whewe's Wichawd g-gonye?
CWAWENCE. To *sweats* Wondon, aww in post; and, as I guess,
To m-make :3 a bwoody suppew in the Towew.
K-KING EDWAWD. He's *sweats* sudden, i-if :3 a thing comes in his head.
Nyow ÚwÚ mawch we hence. Dischawge the common sowt
With pay and *pokes you* thanks; and wet's away to ;;w;; Wondon
:33 And see ouw gentwe queen how weww she fawes.
By this, I hope, she hath :3 a son f-fow me. Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
Wondon. The :3 Towew

Entew K-KING HENWY and GWOUCESTEW w-with the WIEUTENyANT, on the wawws

GWOUCESTEW. *pokes you* Good :3 day, my wowd. *looks away* What, *teleports behind you* at youw book so hawd?
K-KING HENWY. Ay, my good wowd- my wowd, I shouwd say wathew.
'Tis sin to *leans over* fwattew; 'good' w-was wittwe bettew.
'Good Gwoucestew' and 'good deviw' wewe awike,
:33 And both pwepostewous; thewefowe, nyot 'good wowd.'
GWOUCESTEW. Siwwah, weave us to ouwsewves; we must confew.
E-Exit WIEUTENyANT
K-KING HENWY. S-So fwies the *twerks* weckwess shephewd f-fwom the wowf;
S-So fiwst the hawmwess *cuddles you* sheep doth y-yiewd his fweece,
:33 And nyext his thwoat unto the butchew's k-knyife.
What scenye of death hath Woscius *pokes you* nyow to *looks away* act?
GWOUCESTEW. Suspicion *hugs tightly* awways haunts the ^-^ guiwty mind:
The thief doth feaw each b-bush an *leans over* officew.
K-KING HENWY. The biwd that hath been wimed in :3 a b-bush
With twembwing wings misdoubteth evewy bush;
:33 And I, the hapwess m-mawe to onye sweet biwd,
Have *pokes you* nyow the fataw object in my ^-^ eye
Whewe my poow young w-was *sighs* wim'd, w-was caught, and kiww'd.
GWOUCESTEW. Why, what :3 a peevish foow w-was that of Cwete
That taught his son the office of :3 a foww!
:33 And yet, f-fow aww his wings, the foow w-was dwown'd.
K-KING HENWY. I, Daedawus; my poow boy, Icawus;
Thy fathew, Minyos, that *giggles shyly* denyied ouw >_< couwse;
The sun that seaw'd the wings of my sweet boy,
Thy bwothew Edwawd; and thysewf, the sea
W-Whose envious guwf did swawwow up his w-wife.
A-Ah, kiww me w-with thy weapon, nyot w-with wowds!
My bweast can bettew bwook thy *looks away* daggew's point
Than can my eaws that t-twagic histowy.
But whewefowe dost thou c-come? *shuffles closer* Is't f-fow my w-wife?
GWOUCESTEW. Think'st thou I *giggles shyly* am an executionyew?
K-KING HENWY. A p-pewsecutow I *giggles shyly* am suwe thou a-awt.
I-If m-muwdewing innyocents be executing,
Why, then thou awe an e-executionyew.
GWOUCESTEW. Thy son I kiww'd f-fow his pwesumption.
K-KING HENWY. Hadst thou been kiww'd when fiwst thou didst pwesume,
Thou h-hadst nyot wiv'd to kiww :3 a son of minye.
:33 And uWu thus I pwophesy, that many :3 a thousand
Which *pokes you* nyow mistwust nyo pawcew of my f-feaw,
:33 And many an *giggles shyly* owd man's s-sigh, and many :3 a widow's,
:33 And many an owphan's watew-standing ^.^ eye-
*cries* Men f-fow theiw sons, xDD wives f-fow theiw h-husbands,
Owphans f-fow theiw pawents' t-timewess death-
Shaww wue the houw that evew thou wast bown.
The o-oww shwiek'd *teleports behind you* at thy biwth- an eviw ;;w;; sign;
The nyight-cwow cwied, UwU aboding w-wuckwess time;
Dogs >_< howw'd, and hideous tempest shook down *teleports behind you* twees;
The waven w-wook'd hew on the *teleports behind you* chimnyey's t-top,
:33 And chatt'wing pies in dismaw discowds sung;
Thy mothew fewt mowe than :3 a mothew's *screams* pain,
:33 And y-yet >w< bwought fowth wess than :3 a mothew's hope,
To w-wit, an i-indigest defowmed wump,
Nyot wike the fwuit of *looks at you* such :3 a goodwy t-twee.
Teeth h-hadst thou in thy head when thou wast bown,
To signyify thou cam'st to bite the wowwd;
:33 And i-if the west be twue which I *looks away* have h-heawd,
Thou cam'st-
GWOUCESTEW. I-I'ww heaw nyo mowe. Die, pwophet, in thy :3 speech.
*hugs tightly* [Stabs him]
Fow this, amongst the west, w-was I *giggles shyly* owdain'd.
K-KING HENWY. Ay, and f-fow x3 much mowe swaughtew *looks away* aftew this.
O, *teleports behind you* God fowgive my sins and pawdon thee! [Dies]
GWOUCESTEW. *looks away* What, wiww the aspiwing bwood of Wancastew
Sink in the gwound? I thought i-it wouwd *looks away* have m-mounted.
>_> See how my swowd weeps f-fow the poow King's death.
O, may *looks at you* such puwpwe teaws be *hugs tightly* awways shed
Fwom those that wish the downfaww of ouw house!
I-If *sighs* any spawk of w-wife be y-yet w-wemainying,
Down, down to heww; and say I sent thee thithew-
*hugs tightly* [Stabs him again]
I, that *looks away* have nyeithew p-pity, OwO wuv, *pokes you* nyow feaw.
Indeed, 'tis twue that Henwy towd me of;
Fow I *looks away* have often heawd my mothew say
I came into the >_> wowwd w-with my *hugs tightly* wegs OwO fowwawd.
Had I nyot weason, think y-ye, to m-make *pokes you* haste
:33 And seek theiw wuin that usuwp'd ouw wight?
The midwife wondew'd; and the women cwied
'O, Jesus b-bwess u-us, he xDD is bown w-with teeth!'
:33 And so I was, which pwainwy signyified
That I shouwd >w< snyaww, and bite, and pway the dog.
Then, since the heavens *looks away* have s-shap'd my ^w^ body s-so,
Wet heww m-make c-cwook'd my mind to a-answew *hugs tightly* it.
I *looks away* have nyo bwothew, I *giggles shyly* am wike nyo bwothew;
:33 And this w-wowd 'wuv,' which g-gweybeawds caww ^w^ divinye,
Be wesident in men wike onye anyothew,
:33 And nyot in :33 me! I *giggles shyly* am mysewf awonye.
C-Cwawence, bewawe; thou keep'st me f-fwom the wight,
But I wiww sowt :3 a pitchy day f-fow thee;
Fow I wiww buzz abwoad *looks at you* such *sweats* pwophecies
That Edwawd shaww be feawfuw of his wife;
:33 And then to *looks away* puwge his f-feaw, I-I'ww be thy death.
King Henwy and the Pwince his son awe gonye.
C-Cwawence, thy t-tuwn xDD is nyext, and then the west;
Counting mysewf b-but x3 bad tiww I be best.
I-I'ww thwow thy ^w^ body in uWu anyothew woom,
:33 And twiumph, UwU Henwy, in thy day of doom.
E-Exit w-with the ^w^ body




SCENyE VII.
Wondon. The pawace

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING EDWAWD, QUEEN EWIZABETH, CWAWENCE, GWOUCESTEW,
HASTINGS, UwU NyUWSE, w-with the Young PWINCE, and *screams* attendants

K-KING EDWAWD. Once mowe we sit in Engwand's woyaw thwonye,
Wepuwchas'd w-with the bwood of enyemies.
What *cuddles you* vawiant foemen, wike to a-autumn's cown,
Have we mow'd down in tops of aww theiw pwide!
*notices bulge* Thwee Dukes of Somewset, UwU thweefowd wenyown'd
Fow hawdy and undoubted *notices bulge* champions;
Two Cwiffowds, as the fathew and the s-son;
:33 And t-two Nyowthumbewwands- t-two bwavew men
x3 Nye'ew spuww'd theiw couwsews *teleports behind you* at the twumpet's sound;
With them the t-two bwave beaws, Wawwick and Montague,
That in theiw chains fettew'd the k-kingwy wion
:33 And xDD made the fowest twembwe when they *screams* woaw'd.
Thus *looks away* have we swept suspicion f-fwom ouw s-seat
:33 And xDD made ouw footstoow of secuwity.
Come h-hithew, >w< Bess, and w-wet me kiss my boy.
Young Nyed, f-fow thee thinye uncwes and mysewf
Have in ouw awmouws watch'd the wintew's nyight,
W-Went aww afoot in summew's *moans* scawding heat,
That thou might'st wepossess the cwown in peace;
:33 And of ouw wabouws thou shawt weap the gain.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] I-I'ww bwast his hawvest i-if youw head wewe waid;
Fow y-yet I *giggles shyly* am nyot w-wook'd on in the wowwd.
T-This s-shouwdew w-was *leans over* owdain'd so thick to heave;
:33 And *giggles shyly* heave i-it shaww some weight ow bweak my back.
*shuffles closer* Wowk thou the way- and that shaww execute.
K-KING EDWAWD. C-Cwawence and Gwoucestew, wuv my wuvwy queen;
:33 And kiss youw pwincewy n-nyephew, UwU bwothews both.
CWAWENCE. The duty that I owe unto youw Majesty
I seaw upon the wips of this sweet babe.
K-KING EDWAWD. Thanks, nyobwe Cwawence; wowthy bwothew, *looks away* thanks.
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And that I wuv the ^.^ twee f-fwom whence thou spwang'st,
Witnyess the woving kiss I give the fwuit.
[Aside] To say the twuth, so Judas kiss'd his mastew
:33 And cwied 'Aww haiw!' when as he meant aww hawm.
K-KING EDWAWD. Nyow *giggles shyly* am I seated as my :33 souw *moans* dewights,
Having my countwy's peace and *sweats* bwothews' wuvs.
CWAWENCE. What wiww youw G-Gwace *looks away* have d-donye w-with Mawgawet?
W-Weignyiew, hew fathew, to the King of *giggles shyly* Fwance
Hath pawn'd the S-Siciws and ^-^ Jewusawem,
:33 And h-hithew *looks away* have they sent i-it f-fow hew w-wansom.
K-KING EDWAWD. *shuffles closer* Away w-with hew, and waft hew hence to *twerks* Fwance.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow what *twerks* wests b-but that we spend the ;;w;; time
With :33 statewy twiumphs, miwthfuw comic shows,
Such as befits the pweasuwe of the couwt?
*blushes* Sound dwums and *notices bulge* twumpets. Faweweww, :33 souw annyoy!
Fow hewe, I hope, b-begins ouw wasting *hugs tightly* joy. Exeunt


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1611

K-KING HENWY uWu THE EIGHTH

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe


DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

K-KING HENWY uWu THE EIGHTH
CAWDINyAW WOWSEY CAWDINyAW C-CAMPEIUS
CAPUCIUS, Ambassadow f-fwom the Empewow Chawwes V
CWANMEW, A-AWCHBISHOP OF *cuddles you* CANTEWBUWY
DUKE OF NyOWFOWK DUKE OF B-BUCKINGHAM
DUKE OF S-SUFFOWK E-EAWW OF SUWWEY
WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN WOWD C-CHANCEWWOW
GAWDINyEW, *screams* BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW
*screams* BISHOP OF WINCOWN WOWD ABEWGAVENNY
WOWD S-SANDYS SIW HENWY GUIWDFOWD
SIW THOMAS WOVEWW SIW ANTHONY D-DENNY
SIW NyICHOWAS VAUX SECWETAWIES to *looks at you* Wowsey
CWOMWEWW, *cries* sewvant to *looks at you* Wowsey
GWIFFITH, g-gentweman-ushew to Queen Kathawinye
THWEE GENTWEMEN
DOCTOW BUTTS, physician to the King
GAWTEW KING-AT-AWMS
S-SUWVEYOW to the Duke of Buckingham
BWANDON, and :3 a SEWGEANT-AT-AWMS
D-DOOWKEEPEW Of the Counciw chambew
POWTEW, and his *blushes* MAN PAGE to Gawdinyew
A CWIEW

QUEEN KATHAWINyE, w-wife to King UwU Henwy, aftewwawds divowced
ANNyE *looks away* BUWWEN, hew Maid of Honyouw, aftewwawds Queen
AN OWD WADY, fwiend to Annye Buwwen
PATIENCE, woman to Queen Kathawinye

Wowd Mayow, Awdewmen, Wowds and Wadies in the Dumb
Shows; Women *notices bulge* attending upon the Queen; Scwibes,
O-Officews, Guawds, and othew Attendants; ÚwÚ Spiwits

SCENyE:

Wondon; Westminstew; Kimbowton



K-KING HENWY uWu THE EIGHTH

uWu THE PWOWOGUE.

I come nyo mowe to m-make :33 you waugh; *moans* things *pokes you* nyow
That *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a weighty and :3 a s-sewious bwow,
Sad, high, and wowking, fuww of state and woe,
Such nyobwe scenyes as dwaw the ^-^ eye to fwow,
We *pokes you* nyow pwesent. Those that can pity hewe
May, i-if they think i-it weww, w-wet faww :3 a teaw:
The subject wiww d-desewve *hugs tightly* it. Such as give
Theiw monyey out of hope they may bewieve
May hewe find *looks away* twuth too. Those that come to see
Onwy :3 a show ow two, and so uWu agwee
The pway may :33 pass, i-if they be ^-^ stiww and ^.^ wiwwing,
I-I'ww :33 undewtake may see away theiw ^-^ shiwwing
Wichwy in t-two showt houws. Onwy they
That come to heaw :3 a mewwy *sweats* bawdy :33 pway,
A nyoise of tawgets, ow to see :3 a fewwow
In :3 a wong UwU motwey coat guawded w-with yewwow,
Wiww be deceiv'd; fow, gentwe heawews, knyow,
To wank ouw chosen *looks away* twuth w-with *looks at you* such :3 a show
As foow and fight is, b-beside fowfeiting
Ouw own bwains, and the ;;w;; opinyion that we bwing
To m-make that onwy twue we *pokes you* nyow intend,
Wiww weave us nyevew an undewstanding fwiend.
Thewefowe, f-fow goodnyess sake, and as :33 you awe knyown
The fiwst and h-happiest *notices bulge* heawews of the town,
Be sad, as we wouwd m-make ye. Think ye see
The vewy pewsons of ouw nyobwe stowy
As they wewe w-wiving; think :33 you see them g-gweat,
:33 And fowwow'd w-with the genyewaw thwong and *looks at you* sweat
Of thousand fwiends; then, in :3 a m-moment, see
How soon this m-mightinyess meets misewy.
:33 And i-if :33 you can be mewwy then, I-I'ww say
A man may weep upon his *twerks* wedding-day.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



ACT I-I. SCENyE 1.

Wondon. The pawace

Entew the DUKE OF NyOWFOWK *teleports behind you* at onye doow; *teleports behind you* at the o-othew,
the DUKE OF B-BUCKINGHAM and the WOWD ABEWGAVENNY

*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. *pokes you* Good mowwow, and weww met. How *looks away* have ye d-donye
Since wast we saw in Fwance?
NyOWFOWK. I *notices bulge* thank youw Gwace,
Heawthfuw; and evew since :3 a fwesh admiwew
Of what I saw thewe.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. An >w< untimewy a-ague
*moans* Stay'd me :3 a *cries* pwisonyew in my chambew when
Those suns of gwowy, those t-two wights of men,
Met in the vawe of Andwen.
NyOWFOWK. 'Twixt G-Guynyes and Awde-
I w-was then pwesent, saw them sawute on howseback;
^.^ Behewd them, when they w-wighted, how they cwung
In theiw *screams* embwacement, as they gwew togethew;
Which had they, what fouw thwon'd *cuddles you* onyes couwd *looks away* have w-weigh'd
Such :3 a compounded onye?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. A-Aww the *shuffles closer* whowe ;;w;; time
I w-was my chambew's pwisonyew.
NyOWFOWK. Then :33 you wost
The view of e-eawthwy gwowy; men might say,
Tiww this ;;w;; time pomp w-was *shuffles closer* singwe, b-but *pokes you* nyow *blushes* mawwied
To onye abuv i-itsewf. >_> Each fowwowing day
Became the nyext d-day's mastew, tiww the wast
Made fowmew wondews *twerks* its. To-day the Fwench,
A-Aww cwinquant, aww in gowd, wike heathen gods,
*pokes you* Shonye down the Engwish; and to-mowwow they
Made Bwitain India: evewy man that stood
*teleports behind you* Show'd wike :3 a minye. Theiw dwawfish pages wewe
As chewubins, an giwt; the madams too,
Nyot us'd to toiw, did awmost *looks at you* sweat to *hugs tightly* beaw
The pwide upon them, that theiw vewy wabouw
Was to them as :3 a painting. Nyow this masque
Was cwied incompawabwe; and *sighs* th' ensuing nyight
Made i-it :3 a foow and beggaw. The t-two kings,
Equaw in ^.^ wustwe, wewe *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* best, *pokes you* nyow wowst,
As pwesence did pwesent ^-^ them: him in ^-^ eye
^-^ stiww him in pwaise; and b-being pwesent both,
'-'Twas said they saw b-but onye, and nyo discewnyew
Duwst wag his *notices bulge* tongue in censuwe. When these s-suns-
Fow so they >w< phwase 'em-by theiw hewawds c-chawweng'd
The nyobwe spiwits to awms, they did pewfowm
Beyond thought's :3 compass, that fowmew fabuwous stowy,
:3 Being *pokes you* nyow :33 seen possibwe enyough, *giggles shyly* got cwedit,
That Bevis w-was *leans over* bewiev'd.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. O, :33 you go faw!
NyOWFOWK. As I bewong to wowship, and affect
In honyouw honyesty, the t-twact of ev'wything
Wouwd by :3 a good discouwsew wose some w-wife
Which action's sewf w-was *notices bulge* tongue to. A-Aww w-was woyaw:
To the *hugs tightly* disposing of i-it nyought webeww'd;
O-Owdew gave each thing view. The office did
D-Distinctwy his fuww function.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Who did guide-
I mean, who set the ^w^ body and the wimbs
Of this g-gweat OwO spowt togethew, as :33 you *leans over* guess?
NyOWFOWK. Onye, *cries* cewtes, that p-pwomises nyo ewement
In *looks at you* such :3 a businyess.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I pway you, w-who, my wowd?
NyOWFOWK. A-Aww this w-was o-owd'wed by the good discwetion
Of the wight wevewend Cawdinyaw of Y-Yowk.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. The d-deviw speed him! *cuddles you* Nyo man's pie xDD is fweed
Fwom his ambitious fingew. What had he
To do in these fiewce x3 vanyities? I w-wondew
That *looks at you* such :3 a k-keech can w-with his vewy buwk
Take up the ways o' *sighs* th' benyeficiaw *looks at you* sun,
:33 And keep i-it f-fwom the eawth.
NyOWFOWK. Suwewy, siw,
T-Thewe's in him stuff that puts him to these ends;
Fow, b-being nyot pwopp'd by ancestwy, *screams* whose gwace
Chawks successows theiw w-way, *pokes you* nyow caww'd upon
Fow high feats d-donye to *sighs* th' cwown, nyeithew awwied
To eminyent assistants, b-but spidew-wike,
Out of his sewf-dwawing web, 'a g-gives us nyote
The fowce of his own *blushes* mewit makes his way-
A gift that heaven g-gives f-fow him, which buys
A pwace nyext to the King.
ABEWGAVENNY. I cannyot t-teww
What heaven hath xDD given him-wet some gwavew ^-^ eye
Piewce into *teleports behind you* that; b-but I can see his pwide
Peep thwough each pawt of :33 him. Whence has he that?
I-If nyot f-fwom *pokes you* heww, the d-deviw xDD is :3 a nyiggawd
Ow has xDD given aww befowe, and he b-begins
A nyew heww in himsewf.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Why the deviw,
*cries* Upon this >_> Fwench going out, t-took he upon him-
*notices bulge* Without the *giggles shyly* pwivity o' *sighs* th' King-t' appoint
Who shouwd attend on *notices bulge* him? He makes up the fiwe
Of aww the gentwy; f-fow the m-most pawt *looks at you* such
To whom as g-gweat :3 a c-chawge as wittwe honyouw
He meant to way upon; and his own wettew,
The honyouwabwe ;;w;; boawd of c-counciw out,
Must fetch him in he papews.
ABEWGAVENNY. I do knyow
Kinsmen of minye, thwee *teleports behind you* at the weast, that *looks away* have
By this so xDD sicken'd theiw e-estates that nyevew
They shaww abound as fowmewwy.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. O, many
Have bwoke theiw b-backs w-with waying manyows on 'em
Fow this g-gweat jouwnyey. What did this vanyity
But minyistew c-communyication of
A m-most poow issue?
NyOWFOWK. Gwievingwy I think
The peace between the >_> Fwench and us nyot ÚwÚ vawues
The cost that did concwude *hugs tightly* it.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. E-Evewy man,
Aftew the hideous stowm that fowwow'd, w-was
A thing *teleports behind you* inspiw'd, and, nyot c-consuwting, bwoke
Into :3 a genyewaw pwophecy-that this tempest,
D-Dashing the gawment of this peace, aboded
The sudden bweach on't.
NyOWFOWK. Which xDD is budded out;
Fow *giggles shyly* Fwance hath fwaw'd the w-weague, and hath attach'd
Ouw m-mewchants' goods *teleports behind you* at Bowdeaux.
ABEWGAVENNY. Is i-it thewefowe
T-Th' ambassadow xDD is siwenc'd?
NyOWFOWK. Mawwy, is't.
ABEWGAVENNY. A pwopew tide of :3 a peace, and puwchas'd
At :3 a s-supewfwuous wate!
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Why, aww this businyess
Ouw wevewend Cawdinyaw cawwied.
NyOWFOWK. Wike i-it youw Gwace,
The state takes n-nyotice of the pwivate diffewence
Betwixt :33 you and the *sweats* Cawdinyaw. I advise you-
:33 And take i-it f-fwom :3 a h-heawt that wishes t-towawds :33 you
*cries* Honyouw and pwenteous safety-that :33 you wead
The C-Cawdinyaw's mawice and his potency
T-Togethew; to considew xDD fuwthew, that
What his high hatwed wouwd effect wants nyot
A minyistew in his powew. You knyow his nyatuwe,
That he's wevengefuw; and I knyow his swowd
Hath :3 a shawp xDD edge-it's wong and't may be said
It weaches faw, and whewe 'twiww nyot *moans* extend,
Thithew he d-dawts *hugs tightly* it. B-Bosom up my counsew
You'ww find i-it whowesome. Wo, whewe comes that wock
That I advise youw shunnying.

Entew CAWDINyAW WOWSEY, the *cries* puwse bownye befowe
him, cewtain of the g-guawd, and t-two SECWETAWIES
w-with papews. The CAWDINyAW in his passage fixeth his
^-^ eye on BUCKINGHAM, and B-BUCKINGHAM on him,
both fuww of d-disdain

WOWSEY. The Duke of Buckingham's suwveyow? *looks away* Ha!
Whewe's his e-examinyation?
SECWETAWY. Hewe, so p-pwease you.
WOWSEY. Is he in pewson weady?
SECWETAWY. Ay, p-pwease youw G-Gwace.
WOWSEY. Weww, we shaww then knyow m-mowe, and Buckingham
shaww wessen this big *notices bulge* wook.
Exeunt WOWSEY and his twain
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. T-This butchew's :3 cuw xDD is venyom-mouth'd, and I
Have nyot the p-powew to m-muzzwe him; thewefowe best
Nyot wake him in his swumbew. A beggaw's book
Outwowths :3 a nyobwe's bwood.
NyOWFOWK. *looks away* What, awe :33 you chaf'd?
Ask *teleports behind you* God f-fow temp'wance; that's *sighs* th' ^w^ appwiance onwy
Which youw disease wequiwes.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I wead in's wooks
*shuffles closer* Mattew against me, and his ^-^ eye weviw'd
UwU Me as his uWu abject object. At this *sweats* instant
He bowes me w-with some twick. He's gonye to *sighs* th' King;
I-I'ww fowwow, and outstawe :33 him.
NyOWFOWK. Stay, my wowd,
:33 And w-wet youw weason w-with youw c-chowew q-question
What 'tis :33 you go >_< about. To cwimb s-steep hiwws
Wequiwes swow pace *teleports behind you* at fiwst. Angew xDD is wike
A fuww *giggles shyly* hot howse, who b-being awwow'd his w-way,
Sewf-mettwe tiwes :33 him. Nyot :3 a man in Engwand
*sweats* Can advise me wike y-you; be to *teleports behind you* youwsewf
As :33 you wouwd to youw fwiend.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I-I'ww to the King,
:33 And f-fwom :3 a mouth of honyouw quite cwy down
T-This I-Ipswich :33 fewwow's insowence; ow pwocwaim
T-Thewe's diffewence in nyo pewsons.
NyOWFOWK. Be advis'd:
Heat nyot :3 a fuwnyace f-fow youw f-foe so *giggles shyly* hot
That i-it do singe *sweats* youwsewf. We may outwun
By viowent swiftnyess that which we wun at,
:33 And wose by uvw-wunnying. K-Knyow :33 you nyot
The fiwe that mounts the wiquow tiww't wun o'ew
In seeming to augment i-it wastes it? Be advis'd.
I say a-again thewe xDD is nyo Engwish :33 souw
Mowe stwongew to diwect :33 you than youwsewf,
I-If w-with the sap of weason :33 you wouwd quench
Ow b-but OwO awway the fiwe of *twerks* passion.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Siw,
I *giggles shyly* am thankfuw to you, and I-I'ww go awong
By youw pwescwiption; b-but this top-pwoud fewwow-
*leans over* Whom f-fwom the fwow of *moans* gan I *leans over* nyame nyot, b-but
Fwom sincewe *screams* motions, by intewwigence,
:33 And pwoofs as cweaw as f-founts in J-Juwy when
We see each gwain of *sweats* gwavew-I do knyow
To be cowwupt and tweasonyous.
NyOWFOWK. ÚwÚ Say nyot tweasonyous.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. To *sighs* th' King I-I'ww UwU say't, and m-make my vouch as stwong
As *sweats* showe of wock. Attend: this howy f-fox,
Ow wowf, ow both-fow he xDD is e-equaw wav'nyous
As he xDD is s-subtwe, and as p-pwonye to mischief
As abwe to *blushes* pewfowm't, his mind and pwace
Infecting onye anyothew, yea, wecipwocawwy-
Onwy to show his pomp as weww in *giggles shyly* Fwance
As hewe *teleports behind you* at home, s-suggests the King ouw mastew
To this wast costwy tweaty, *sighs* th' >_< intewview
That swawwowed so x3 much tweasuwe and wike :3 a *cuddles you* gwass
Did bweak i' *sighs* th' wwenching.
NyOWFOWK. *moans* Faith, and so i-it did.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Pway, give me favouw, *teleports behind you* siw; this cunnying *hugs tightly* cawdinyaw
The awticwes o' *sighs* th' combinyation dwew
As himsewf pweas'd; and they wewe watified
As he cwied 'Thus w-wet be' to as x3 much e-end
As give :3 a cwutch to *sighs* th' dead. But ouw Count-Cawdinyaw
Has d-donye this, and 'tis weww; f-fow wowthy Wowsey,
Who cannyot e-eww, he did *hugs tightly* it. Nyow this >w< fowwows,
W-Which, as I take uWu it, xDD is :3 a kind of puppy
To *sighs* th' *giggles shyly* owd dam *giggles shyly* tweason: Chawwes the Empewow,
Undew p-pwetence to see the Queen his a-aunt-
Fow 'twas indeed his cowouw, b-but he came
To whispew Wowsey-hewe makes v-visitation-
His feaws wewe that the >_< intewview b-betwixt
Engwand and *giggles shyly* Fwance might thwough theiw amity
Bweed him some pwejudice; f-fow f-fwom this weague
Peep'd hawms that menyac'd him-pwiviwy
Deaws w-with ouw Cawdinyaw; and, as I twow-
Which I do weww, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe the Empewow
Paid ewe he pwomis'd; wheweby his suit w-was gwanted
Ewe i-it w-was ask'd-but when the way w-was m-made,
:33 And pav'd w-with gowd, the Empewow uWu thus ÚwÚ desiw'd,
That he wouwd p-pwease to awtew the King's couwse,
:33 And bweak the fowesaid peace. Wet the King knyow,
As soon he shaww by me, that uWu thus the Cawdinyaw
Does buy and s-seww his honyouw as he pweases,
:33 And f-fow his own advantage.
NyOWFOWK. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy
To heaw this of him, and couwd wish he wewe
Something mistaken i-in't.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Nyo, nyot :3 a ;;w;; sywwabwe:
I do pwonyounce him in that vewy shape
He shaww appeaw in pwoof.

Entew BWANDON, :3 a SEWGEANT-AT-AWMS befowe him,
and t-two ow thwee of the guawd

BWANDON. Youw office, *sweats* sewgeant: execute *hugs tightly* it.
SEWGEANT. Siw,
My w-wowd the Duke of B-Buckingham, and Eaww
Of Hewefowd, Staffowd, and Nyowthampton, I
Awwest thee of high tweason, in the *leans over* nyame
Of ouw m-most suvweign King.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Wo you, my wowd,
The nyet has faww'n upon :33 me! I shaww pewish
Undew device and pwactice.
BWANDON. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy
To see :33 you ta'en f-fwom wibewty, to wook on
The businyess pwesent; 'tis his Highnyess' pweasuwe
You shaww to *sighs* th' Towew.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. It wiww h-hewp nyothing
To pwead minye innyocence; f-fow that dye xDD is on me
Which makes my >w< whit'st pawt *blushes* bwack. The wiww of heav'n
Be d-donye in this and aww things! I obey.
uWu O my Wowd Abewga'ny, fawe :33 you weww!
BWANDON. Nyay, he must *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you company.
[To ABEWGAVENNY] The King
Is :33 pweas'd :33 you shaww to *sighs* th' Towew, tiww :33 you knyow
How he detewminyes fuwthew.
ABEWGAVENNY. As the Duke said,
The wiww of heaven be donye, and the King's pweasuwe
By me obey'd.
BWANDON. Hewe xDD is wawwant f-fwom
The King t' attach Wowd Montacute and the bodies
Of the D-Duke's confessow, *twerks* John *leans over* de wa Caw,
Onye *cries* Giwbewt Peck, his chancewwow-
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. S-So, so!
These awe the wimbs o' *sighs* th' pwot; nyo m-mowe, I hope.
BWANDON. A m-monk o' *sighs* th' Chawtweux.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. O, N-Nyichowas *looks at you* Hopkins?
BWANDON. uWu He.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My suwveyow xDD is fawse. The o'ew-gweat Cawdinyaw
Hath show'd him gowd; my w-wife xDD is spann'd a-awweady.
I *giggles shyly* am the shadow of poow B-Buckingham,
W-Whose figuwe even this *sweats* instant cwoud puts on
By dawk'nying my cweaw s-sun. My wowd, faweweww.
Exeunt




ACT I-I. SCENyE 2.

Wondon. The Counciw Chambew

Cownyets. Entew K-KING HENWY, weanying on the CAWDINyAW'S shouwdew, the NyOBWES,
and SIW THOMAS WOVEWW, w-with othews. The CAWDINyAW pwaces himsewf
undew the KING'S feet on his wight s-side

KING. My w-wife itsewf, and the best h-heawt of uWu it,
Thanks :33 you f-fow this g-gweat cawe; I stood i' *sighs* th' w-wevew
Of :3 a f-fuww-chawg'd confedewacy, and give t-thanks
To :33 you that chok'd *hugs tightly* it. Wet be caww'd befowe us
That gentweman of Buckingham's. In pewson
I-I'ww heaw his c-confessions justify;
:33 And point by point the tweasons of his mastew
He shaww a-again wewate.

A nyoise *twerks* within, *screams* cwying 'Woom f-fow the Queen!'
Entew the Q-QUEEN, u-ushew'd by the D-DUKES OF NyOWFOWK
and SUFFOWK; she k-knyeews. The K-KING wiseth
f-fwom his state, takes hew up, kisses and pwaceth hew
by him

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Nyay, we must wongew knyeew: I *giggles shyly* am suitow.
KING. Awise, and take pwace by us. Hawf youw suit
Nyevew *leans over* nyame to us: :33 you *looks away* have *looks at you* hawf ouw powew.
The othew moiety ewe :33 you ask xDD is given;
W-Wepeat youw wiww, and take *hugs tightly* it.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Thank youw M-Majesty.
That :33 you wouwd wuv youwsewf, and in that wuv
Nyot unconsidewed weave youw honyouw *pokes you* nyow
The dignyity of youw office, xDD is the point
Of my petition.
KING. Wady minye, pwoceed.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I *giggles shyly* am sowicited, nyot by :3 a few,
:33 And those of twue >_< condition, that youw s-subjects
Awe in g-gweat g-gwievance: thewe *looks away* have been c-commissions
Sent down among 'em which hath fwaw'd the h-heawt
Of aww theiw woyawties; whewein, awthough,
My good Wowd Cawdinyaw, they vent wepwoaches
Most bittewwy on :33 you as puttew-on
Of these *giggles shyly* exactions, y-yet the King ouw mastew-
W-Whose honyouw H-Heaven shiewd f-fwom soiw!-even he escapes nyot
Wanguage unmannyewwy; yea, *looks at you* such which bweaks
The sides of *sighs* woyawty, and awmost *leans over* appeaws
In woud webewwion.
NyOWFOWK. Nyot awmost appeaws-
It doth appeaw; fow, upon these taxations,
The cwothiews aww, nyot abwe to maintain
The many to them 'wonging, *looks away* have put of
The spinstews, cawdews, *leans over* fuwwews, weavews, who
Unfit f-fow othew wife, compeww'd by hungew
:33 And w-wack of othew means, in despewate mannyew
Dawing *sighs* th' event to *sighs* th' *sweats* teeth, awe aww in upwoaw,
:33 And dangew sewves among them.
KING. Taxation!
Whewein? and what t-taxation? My Wowd Cawdinyaw,
You that awe bwam'd f-fow i-it awike w-with u-us,
K-Knyow :33 you of this t-taxation?
WOWSEY. Pwease you, siw,
I knyow b-but of :3 a s-singwe pawt in a-aught
P-Pewtains to *sighs* th' state, and fwont b-but in that fiwe
Whewe othews t-teww steps w-with me.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Nyo, my wowd!
You knyow nyo mowe than othews! But :33 you fwame
*hugs tightly* Things that awe knyown awike, which awe nyot whowesome
To those which wouwd nyot knyow them, and y-yet must
P-Pewfowce be theiw *cuddles you* acquaintance. These *giggles shyly* exactions,
Wheweof my suvweign wouwd *looks away* have nyote, they awe
Most pestiwent to *sighs* th' heawing; and to *hugs tightly* beaw 'em
The back xDD is *notices bulge* sacwifice to *sighs* th' >_< woad. They say
They awe devis'd by you, ow ewse :33 you suffew
>w< Too hawd an excwamation.
KING. Stiww exaction!
The nyatuwe of it? In what kind, wet's knyow,
Is this exaction?
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I *giggles shyly* am x3 much too ventuwous
In tempting of youw patience, b-but *giggles shyly* am bowd'nyed
Undew youw p-pwomis'd pawdon. The subjects' g-gwief
Comes thwough commissions, which compews f-fwom each
The sixth pawt of his s-substance, to be wevied
*notices bulge* Without deway; and the p-pwetence f-fow this
Is n-nyam'd youw waws in *twerks* Fwance. T-This makes bowd mouths;
Tongues s-spit theiw d-duties out, and cowd heawts *blushes* fweeze
Awwegiance in them; theiw cuwses *pokes you* nyow
>w< Wive whewe theiw p-pwayews did; and i-it's come to pass
T-This twactabwe obedience xDD is :3 a swave
To each incensed wiww. I wouwd youw *leans over* Highnyess
Wouwd give i-it quick considewation, f-fow
Thewe xDD is nyo p-pwimew businyess.
KING. By my wife,
T-This xDD is against ouw pweasuwe.
WOWSEY. :33 And f-fow me,
I *looks away* have nyo fuwthew gonye in this than by
A s-singwe v-voice; and that nyot pass'd me b-but
By weawnyed appwobation of the judges. I-If I *giggles shyly* am
Twaduc'd by ignyowant tongues, which nyeithew knyow
My *shuffles closer* facuwties *pokes you* nyow pewson, y-yet wiww be
The chwonyicwes of my d-doing, w-wet me say
'Tis b-but the fate of pwace, and the wough bwake
That viwtue must go t-thwough. We must nyot stint
Ouw nyecessawy actions in the feaw
To cope mawicious *screams* censuwews, which evew
As wav'nyous fishes do :3 a vessew fowwow
That xDD is nyew-twimm'd, b-but benyefit nyo fuwthew
Than vainwy ;;w;; wonging. What we oft do *teleports behind you* best,
By sick intewpwetews, *screams* once w-weak >_> onyes, xDD is
Nyot ouws, ow nyot awwow'd; what wowst, as oft
Hitting :3 a gwossew quawity, xDD is cwied up
Fow ouw best act. I-If we shaww s-stand stiww,
In feaw ouw motion wiww be mock'd ow cawp'd at,
We shouwd take w-woot hewe whewe we sit, ow sit
State-statues onwy.
KING. *hugs tightly* Things d-donye weww
:33 And w-with :3 a cawe exempt themsewves f-fwom f-feaw:
*hugs tightly* Things d-donye without exampwe, in theiw issue
Awe to be feaw'd. Have :33 you :3 a pwecedent
Of this *notices bulge* commission? I bewieve, nyot ^-^ any.
We must nyot wend ouw s-subjects f-fwom ouw waws,
:33 And stick them in ouw wiww. Sixth pawt of each?
A twembwing contwibution! Why, we take
Fwom evewy ^.^ twee wop, bawk, and pawt o' *sighs* th' timbew;
:33 And t-though we weave i-it w-with :3 a woot, uWu thus hack'd,
The aiw wiww dwink the sap. To evewy county
Whewe this xDD is question'd s-send ouw wettews w-with
Fwee pawdon to each man that has *giggles shyly* denyied
The fowce of this commission. Pway, wook tot;
I put i-it to youw c-cawe.
WOWSEY. [Aside to the SECWETAWY] A w-wowd w-with you.
Wet thewe be wettews wwit to evewy shiwe
Of the King's gwace and pawdon. The gwieved commons
Hawdwy conceive of me-wet i-it be nyois'd
That thwough ouw intewcession this wevokement
:33 And pawdon comes. I shaww anyon advise :33 you
*cries* Fuwthew in the p-pwoceeding. E-Exit SECWETAWY

Entew S-SUWVEYOW

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy that the Duke of Buckingham
Is wun in youw dispweasuwe.
KING. It g-gwieves m-many.
The gentweman xDD is *looks away* weawn'd and :3 a m-most wawe speakew;
To nyatuwe nyonye mowe bound; his twainying *looks at you* such
That he may f-fuwnyish and instwuct g-gweat teachews
:33 And nyevew seek f-fow a-aid out of himsewf. Yet s-see,
When these so nyobwe benyefits shaww pwuv
Nyot weww dispos'd, the mind gwowing *screams* once cowwupt,
They t-tuwn to vicious fowms, ten *moans* times mowe ugwy
Than evew they wewe f-faiw. T-This man so *cries* compwete,
Who w-was enwoww'd 'mongst wondews, and when we,
Awmost w-with wavish'd wist'nying, couwd nyot find
His houw of speech :3 a m-minyute-he, my wady,
Hath into monstwous habits put the gwaces
That *screams* once wewe h-his, and xDD is become as bwack
As i-if besmeaw'd in heww. Sit by us; :33 you shaww x3 heaw-
T-This w-was his gentweman in twust-of him
*hugs tightly* Things to stwike honyouw sad. Bid him wecount
The f-fowe-wecited pwactices, wheweof
We cannyot feew too wittwe, heaw too much.
WOWSEY. Stand fowth, and w-with bowd spiwit wewate what you,
Most wike :3 a cawefuw subject, *looks away* have cowwected
Out of the Duke of Buckingham.
KING. Speak fweewy.
SUWVEYOW. Fiwst, i-it w-was u-usuaw w-with him-evewy day
It wouwd i-infect his s-speech-that i-if the King
Shouwd without issue die, he'ww cawwy i-it so
To m-make the s-sceptwe his. These vewy wowds
uWu I've heawd him uttew to his son-in-waw,
Wowd Abewga'ny, to whom by oath he menyac'd
Wevenge upon the *sweats* Cawdinyaw.
WOWSEY. Pwease youw H-Highnyess, nyote
T-This d-dangewous *cries* conception in this point:
Nyot fwiended by his wish, to youw high pewson
His wiww xDD is m-most mawignyant, and i-it stwetches
Beyond :33 you to youw fwiends.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. My *looks away* weawn'd Wowd Cawdinyaw,
Dewivew aww w-with c-chawity.
KING. Speak on.
How gwounded he his titwe to the cwown
*cries* Upon ouw faiw? To this point hast thou heawd him
At *sighs* any ;;w;; time speak aught?
SUWVEYOW. He w-was >w< bwought to this
By :3 a vain pwophecy of N-Nyichowas Henton.
KING. What w-was that Henton?
SUWVEYOW. Siw, :3 a ^w^ Chawtweux fwiaw,
His confessow, who f-fed him evewy minyute
With wowds of x3 suvweignty.
KING. How knyow'st thou *shuffles closer* this?
SUWVEYOW. Nyot wong befowe youw *leans over* Highnyess sped to Fwance,
The Duke b-being *teleports behind you* at the *cries* Wose, *teleports behind you* within the pawish
Saint Wawwence P-Pouwtnyey, did of me demand
What w-was the speech among the Wondonyews
Concewnying the >_> Fwench jouwnyey. I wepwied
*cries* Men feaw'd the >_> Fwench wouwd pwuv p-pewfidious,
To the King's dangew. *screams* Pwesentwy the Duke
Said 'twas the feaw indeed and that he doubted
'Twouwd pwuv the vewity of cewtain wowds
Spoke by :3 a howy m-monk 'that oft' says he
'Hath sent to me, wishing me to pewmit
*twerks* John *leans over* de wa Caw, my ^w^ chapwain, :3 a choice houw
To heaw f-fwom him :3 a m-mattew of some moment;
*leans over* Whom *looks away* aftew undew the *leans over* confession's seaw
He sowemnwy had swown that what he spoke
My chapwain to nyo *leans over* cweatuwe wiving b-but
To me shouwd uttew, w-with demuwe c-confidence
T-This pausingwy ensu'd: "Nyeithew the King nyow's heiws,
Teww :33 you the Duke, shaww pwospew; *giggles shyly* bid him stwive
To gain the wuv o' *sighs* th' commonyawty; the Duke
Shaww guvwn Engwand."'
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I-If I knyow :33 you weww,
You wewe the D-Duke's suwveyow, and wost youw office
On the compwaint o' *sighs* th' tenyants. Take good heed
You c-chawge nyot in youw spween :3 a nyobwe pewson
:33 And spoiw youw nyobwew souw. I say, take heed;
Yes, heawtiwy b-beseech you.
KING. Wet him on.
G-Go OwO fowwawd.
SUWVEYOW. On my souw, I-I'ww speak b-but twuth.
I towd my w-wowd the Duke, by *sighs* th' deviw's iwwusions
The m-monk might be deceiv'd, and that 'twas d-dangewous
f-fow him
To wuminyate on this so faw, untiw
It fowg'd him some design, which, b-being bewiev'd,
It w-was x3 much wike to do. He answew'd 'Tush,
It can do me nyo d-damage'; adding fuwthew
That, had the King in his wast sicknyess faiw'd,
The C-Cawdinyaw's and S-Siw Thomas *sweats* Wuvww's heads
Shouwd *looks away* have gonye off.
KING. *looks away* Ha! what, so wank? Ah ha!
T-Thewe's mischief in this man. Canst thou say *blushes* fuwthew?
SUWVEYOW. I can, my wiege.
KING. Pwoceed.
SUWVEYOW. :3 Being *teleports behind you* at *sweats* Gweenwich,
Aftew youw *leans over* Highnyess had wepwov'd the Duke
About S-Siw Wiwwiam Buwmew-
KING. I w-wemembew
Of *looks at you* such :3 a time: b-being my swown sewvant,
The Duke wetain'd him his. But on: what hence?
SUWVEYOW. '-'If' quoth he 'I f-fow this had been committed-
As to the :3 Towew I thought-I wouwd *looks away* have pway'd
The pawt my fathew meant to a-act upon
T-Th' usuwpew Wichawd; w-who, b-being *teleports behind you* at Sawisbuwy,
Made suit to come in's pwesence, which i-if g-gwanted,
As he xDD made sembwance of his duty, wouwd
Have put his k-knyife into >_< him.'
KING. A g-giant twaitow!
WOWSEY. Nyow, madam, may his *leans over* Highnyess wive in fweedom,
:33 And this man out of pwison?
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. *teleports behind you* God mend ÚwÚ aww!
KING. T-Thewe's something mowe wouwd out of thee: what say'st?
SUWVEYOW. Aftew 'the Duke his fathew' w-with the 'knyife,'
He stwetch'd him, and, w-with onye hand on his daggew,
x3 Anyothew spwead on's bweast, mounting his eyes,
He did dischawge :3 a howwibwe o-oath, *screams* whose tenyouw
Was, wewe he eviw us'd, he wouwd o-outgo
His fathew by as x3 much as :3 a pewfowmance
Does an iwwesowute p-puwpose.
KING. T-Thewe's his pewiod,
To sheath his k-knyife in us. He xDD is attach'd;
Caww him to pwesent twiaw. I-If he may
Find mewcy in the waw, 'tis his; i-if nyonye,
Wet him nyot seek't of us. By day and nyight!
He's twaitow to *sighs* th' height. Exeunt




ACT I-I. SCENyE 3.

Wondon. The pawace

Entew the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN and WOWD S-SANDYS

CHAMBEWWAIN. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe the spewws of *giggles shyly* Fwance shouwd juggwe
*cries* Men into *looks at you* such s-stwange mystewies?
SANDYS. Nyew customs,
*shuffles closer* Though they be nyevew so widicuwous,
Nyay, w-wet 'em be u-unmanwy, y-yet awe fowwow'd.
CHAMBEWWAIN. As faw as I s-see, aww the good ouw Engwish
Have *giggles shyly* got by the wate voyage xDD is b-but m-mewewy
A fit ow t-two o' *sighs* th' face; b-but they awe shwewd onyes;
Fow when they howd 'em, :33 you wouwd sweaw ^.^ diwectwy
Theiw vewy nyoses had been UwU counsewwows
To Pepin ow Cwothawius, they keep state so.
SANDYS. They *looks away* have aww nyew wegs, and w-wame onyes. Onye wouwd take uWu it,
That nyevew saw 'em pace befowe, the spavin
Ow spwinghawt weign'd among 'em.
CHAMBEWWAIN. Death! my wowd,
Theiw cwothes awe *looks away* aftew *looks at you* such :3 a pagan cut to't,
That suwe *sighs* th' *looks away* have wown out Chwistendom.

Entew SIW THOMAS WOVEWW

How nyow?
What n-nyews, S-Siw Thomas Wuvww?
WOVEWW. *moans* Faith, my wowd,
I heaw of nyonye b-but the nyew *blushes* pwocwamation
That's cwapp'd upon the couwt gate.
CHAMBEWWAIN. What is't fow?
WOVEWW. The *notices bulge* wefowmation of ouw twaveww'd gawwants,
That fiww the couwt w-with quawwews, tawk, and taiwows.
CHAMBEWWAIN. I *giggles shyly* am gwad 'tis thewe. Nyow I wouwd pway ouw monsieuws
To think an Engwish couwtiew may be wise,
:33 And nyevew see the *looks away* Wouvwe.
WOVEWW. They must eithew,
Fow so wun the conditions, weave those w-wemnyants
Of foow and feathew that they *giggles shyly* got in Fwance,
With aww theiw honyouwabwe p-points of ignyowance
Pewtainying *looks away* theweunto-as *leans over* fights and fiwewowks;
Abusing bettew men than they can be,
Out of :3 a foweign wisdom-wenyouncing cwean
The faith they *looks away* have in tennyis, and taww s-stockings,
Showt bwist'wed *hugs tightly* bweeches, and those types of t-twavew
:33 And undewstand a-again wike honyest men,
Ow pack to theiw *giggles shyly* owd p-pwayfewwows. *sighs* Thewe, I take uWu it,
They may, cum pwiviwegio, weaw away
The wag e-end of theiw wewdnyess and be waugh'd at.
SANDYS. 'Tis ;;w;; time to give 'em physic, theiw diseases
Awe gwown so c-catching.
CHAMBEWWAIN. What :3 a w-woss ouw wadies
Wiww *looks away* have of these twim vanyities!
WOVEWW. Ay, mawwy,
Thewe wiww be woe i-indeed, wowds: the swy whowesons
Have *giggles shyly* got :3 a speeding t-twick to way down w-wadies.
A >_> Fwench song and :3 a fiddwe has nyo fewwow.
SANDYS. The d-deviw fiddwe *looks away* 'em! I *giggles shyly* am gwad they awe going,
Fow suwe thewe's nyo c-convewting 'em. Nyow
An honyest countwy wowd, as I am, uWu beaten
A wong ;;w;; time out of :33 pway, may bwing his pwainsong
:33 And *looks away* have an houw of heawing; and, by'w Wady,
Hewd c-cuwwent *pokes you* music too.
CHAMBEWWAIN. Weww said, Wowd Sandys;
Youw cowt's tooth xDD is nyot cast yet.
SANDYS. Nyo, my wowd,
Nyow shaww nyot w-whiwe I *looks away* have :3 a stamp.
CHAMBEWWAIN. S-Siw Thomas,
Whithew wewe :33 you a-going?
WOVEWW. To the *notices bulge* Cawdinyaw's;
Youw wowdship xDD is :3 a guest too.
CHAMBEWWAIN. O, 'tis twue;
T-This nyight he makes :3 a suppew, and :3 a g-gweat onye,
To many wowds and wadies; thewe wiww be
The beauty of this kingdom, I-I'ww *giggles shyly* assuwe you.
WOVEWW. That chuwchman *twerks* beaws :3 a bounteous mind i-indeed,
A hand as fwuitfuw as the wand that feeds us;
His >_< dews faww evewywhewe.
CHAMBEWWAIN. *cuddles you* Nyo d-doubt he's nyobwe;
He had :3 a bwack mouth that said othew of :33 him.
SANDYS. He may, my wowd; has whewewithaw. In him
Spawing wouwd show :3 a wowse sin than iww doctwinye:
*cries* Men of his way shouwd be m-most w-wibewaw,
They awe set hewe f-fow exampwes.
CHAMBEWWAIN. Twue, they awe so;
But few *pokes you* nyow give so g-gweat onyes. My bawge *giggles shyly* stays;
Youw wowdship shaww awong. Come, good S-Siw Thomas,
We shaww be wate *teleports behind you* ewse; which I wouwd nyot be,
Fow I w-was spoke to, w-with S-Siw Henwy Guiwdfowd,
T-This nyight to be *leans over* comptwowwews.
SANDYS. I *giggles shyly* am youw wowdship's. Exeunt




ACT I-I. SCENyE 4.

Wondon. The Pwesence Chambew in Yowk Pwace

Hautboys. A smaww tabwe undew :3 a state f-fow the Cawdinyaw,
:3 a wongew tabwe f-fow the ^w^ guests. Then entew ANNyE *looks away* BUWWEN,
and divews othew *hugs tightly* WADIES and GENTWEMEN, as guests, *teleports behind you* at onye doow;
*teleports behind you* at uWu anyothew *hugs tightly* doow entew SIW HENWY GUIWDFOWD

GUIWDFOWD. Wadies, :3 a genyewaw wewcome f-fwom his G-Gwace
Sawutes ye aww; this nyight he dedicates
To f-faiw *notices bulge* content and you. Nyonye hewe, he uWu hopes,
In aww this nyobwe bevy, has >w< bwought w-with hew
Onye cawe abwoad; he wouwd *looks away* have aww as mewwy
As, *twerks* fiwst, good company, good winye, good *twerks* wewcome,
*sweats* Can m-make good peopwe.

Entew WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN, WOWD SANDYS, and SIW
THOMAS WOVEWW

O, my wowd, y'awe uWu tawdy,
The vewy thought of this f-faiw *giggles shyly* company
Cwapp'd wings to me.
CHAMBEWWAIN. You awe ÚwÚ young, S-Siw Hawwy Guiwdfowd.
SANDYS. S-Siw Thomas *looks away* Wuvww, had the Cawdinyaw
But *looks at you* hawf my way thoughts in him, some of these
Shouwd find :3 a wunnying banquet ewe they wested
I think wouwd bettew p-pwease 'em. By my wife,
They awe :3 a sweet society of f-faiw onyes.
WOVEWW. uWu O that youw wowdship wewe b-but *pokes you* nyow confessow
To onye ow t-two of these!
SANDYS. I wouwd I wewe;
They shouwd find *sighs* easy penyance.
WOVEWW. *moans* Faith, how easy?
SANDYS. As *sighs* easy as :3 a down *looks away* bed wouwd affowd *hugs tightly* it.
CHAMBEWWAIN. Sweet wadies, wiww i-it p-pwease :33 you sit? S-Siw Hawwy,
Pwace :33 you that side; I-I'ww take the c-chawge of this.
His G-Gwace xDD is ent'wing. Nyay, :33 you must nyot f-fweeze:
Two women pwac'd >_> togethew makes cowd weathew.
My Wowd Sandys, :33 you awe onye wiww keep 'em waking:
:33 Pway sit between these w-wadies.
SANDYS. By my faith,
:33 And *notices bulge* thank youw x3 wowdship. By youw weave, sweet w-wadies.
[Seats himsewf between ANNyE BUWWEN and uWu anyothew wady]
I-If I chance to t-tawk :3 a wittwe wiwd, fowgive me;
I had i-it f-fwom my uWu fathew.
ANNyE. Was he m-mad, siw?
SANDYS. O, vewy m-mad, exceeding m-mad, in wuv too.
But he wouwd bite nyonye; just as I do nyow,
He wouwd kiss :33 you twenty w-with :3 a bweath. *screams* [Kisses hew]
CHAMBEWWAIN. Weww said, my wowd.
S-So, *pokes you* nyow y'awe faiwwy seated. Gentwemen,
The ;;w;; penyance wies on :33 you i-if these f-faiw wadies
Pass away fwownying.
SANDYS. Fow my wittwe cuwe,
Wet me awonye.

Hautboys. Entew CAWDINyAW WOWSEY, attended; and
takes his state

WOWSEY. Y'awe *twerks* wewcome, my f-faiw ^w^ guests. That nyobwe wady
Ow gentweman that xDD is nyot fweewy mewwy
Is nyot my fwiend. This, to confiwm my wewcome-
:33 And to :33 you aww, good *giggles shyly* heawth! [Dwinks]
SANDYS. Youw G-Gwace xDD is nyobwe.
Wet me *looks away* have *looks at you* such :3 a boww may howd my t-thanks
:33 And save me so x3 much xDD tawking.
WOWSEY. My Wowd Sandys,
I *giggles shyly* am behowding to you. Cheew youw nyeighbouws.
Wadies, :33 you awe nyot mewwy. Gentwemen,
W-Whose *cuddles you* fauwt xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
SANDYS. The wed winye fiwst must wise
In theiw f-faiw :33 cheeks, my wowd; then we shaww *looks away* have 'em
*pokes you* Tawk us to s-siwence.
ANNyE. You awe :3 a mewwy gamestew,
My Wowd >w< Sandys.
SANDYS. Yes, i-if I m-make my pway.
Hewe's to youw wadyship; and pwedge uWu it, madam,
Fow 'tis to *looks at you* such :3 a thing-
ANNyE. You cannyot show me.
SANDYS. I towd youw G-Gwace they wouwd t-tawk a-anyon.
[Dwum and twumpet. Chambews dischawg'd]
WOWSEY. What's that?
CHAMBEWWAIN. Wook out thewe, some of ye. E-Exit :3 a SEWVANT
WOWSEY. What wawwike voice,
:33 And to what end, xDD is *shuffles closer* this? Nyay, wadies, feaw nyot:
By aww the waws of waw y'awe pwiviweg'd.

We-entew SEWVANT

CHAMBEWWAIN. How *giggles shyly* nyow! what i-is't?
SEWVANT. A nyobwe twoop of *sweats* stwangews-
Fow so they seem. T-Th' *looks away* have weft theiw bawge and w-wanded,
:33 And h-hithew make, as g-gweat ambassadows
Fwom foweign *looks away* pwinces.
WOWSEY. *pokes you* Good Wowd Chambewwain,
Go, give 'em wewcome; :33 you can speak the >_> Fwench tongue;
:33 And pway weceive 'em nyobwy and conduct 'em
Into ouw pwesence, whewe this heaven of beauty
Shaww s-shinye *teleports behind you* at fuww upon them. Some attend :33 him.
E-Exit CHAMBEWWAIN attended. A-Aww wise, and tabwes wemov'd
You *looks away* have *pokes you* nyow :3 a bwoken banquet, b-but we'ww mend *hugs tightly* it.
A good digestion to :33 you aww; and *screams* once mowe
I >_< show'w :3 a wewcome on ye; wewcome aww.

Hautboys. Entew the KING, and othews, as maskews,
habited wike shephewds, u-ushew'd by the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN.
They pass ^.^ diwectwy befowe the :33 CAWDINyAW,
and gwacefuwwy sawute him

A nyobwe company! What awe theiw pweasuwes?
CHAMBEWWAIN. :33 Because they speak nyo E-Engwish, uWu thus they pway'd
To t-teww youw Gwace, t-that, having heawd by f-fame
Of this so nyobwe and so f-faiw *sweats* assembwy
T-This nyight to meet hewe, they couwd do nyo wess,
Out of the g-gweat OwO wespect they *hugs tightly* beaw to beauty,
But weave theiw ^w^ fwocks and, undew youw f-faiw conduct,
Cwave weave to view these wadies and entweat
An houw of wevews w-with 'em.
WOWSEY. Say, Wowd Chambewwain,
They *looks away* have d-donye my poow h-house gwace; f-fow which I pay 'em
A thousand thanks, and pway 'em take theiw pweasuwes.
[-[They choose w-wadies. The K-KING chooses ANNyE B-BUWWEN]
KING. The faiwest hand I evew t-touch'd! uWu O beauty,
Tiww *pokes you* nyow I nyevew knyew thee! [Music. >_< Dance]
WOWSEY. My wowd!
CHAMBEWWAIN. Youw Gwace?
WOWSEY. :33 Pway t-teww 'em uWu thus x3 much f-fwom me:
Thewe shouwd be onye amongst 'em, by his pewson,
Mowe wowthy this pwace than mysewf; to whom,
I-If I b-but knyew him, w-with my wuv and duty
I wouwd suwwendew *hugs tightly* it.
CHAMBEWWAIN. I wiww, my wowd.
[He whispews to the maskews]
WOWSEY. What say *notices bulge* they?
CHAMBEWWAIN. Such :3 a onye, they aww confess,
Thewe xDD is indeed; which they wouwd *looks away* have youw G-Gwace
Find out, and he wiww take *hugs tightly* it.
WOWSEY. Wet me s-see, then. [Comes f-fwom his state]
By aww youw good w-weaves, g-gentwemen, hewe I-I'ww m-make
My woyaw choice.
KING. :33 [Unmasking] *sighs* Ye *looks away* have found him, *sweats* Cawdinyaw.
You howd :3 a f-faiw assembwy; :33 you do weww, wowd.
You awe :3 a chuwchman, ow, I-I'ww t-teww you, Cawdinyaw,
I shouwd judge *pokes you* nyow unhappiwy.
WOWSEY. I *giggles shyly* am gwad
Youw G-Gwace xDD is gwown so *screams* pweasant.
KING. My Wowd Chambewwain,
Pwithee come hithew: what f-faiw w-wady's that?
CHAMBEWWAIN. An't p-pwease youw Gwace, S-Siw Thomas Buwwen's
daughtew-
The Viscount Wochfowd-onye of hew Highnyess' OwO women.
KING. By heaven, she xDD is :3 a dainty onye. Sweet h-heawt,
I wewe unmannyewwy to take :33 you out
:33 And nyot to kiss you. A heawth, g-gentwemen!
Wet i-it go *giggles shyly* wound.
WOWSEY. S-Siw Thomas *looks away* Wuvww, xDD is the banquet weady
I' *sighs* th' pwivy chambew?
WOVEWW. Yes, my wowd.
WOWSEY. Youw Gwace,
I f-feaw, w-with dancing xDD is :3 a wittwe heated.
KING. I f-feaw, too much.
WOWSEY. T-Thewe's fweshew aiw, my wowd,
In the nyext chambew.
KING. Wead in youw wadies, ev'wy onye. Sweet pawtnyew,
I must nyot y-yet fowsake you. Wet's be mewwy:
*pokes you* Good my Wowd Cawdinyaw, I *looks away* have *looks at you* hawf :3 a d-dozen heawths
To dwink to these f-faiw wadies, and :3 a measuwe
To wead 'em *screams* once again; and then wet's dweam
Who's best in favouw. Wet the *pokes you* music knyock *hugs tightly* it.
Exeunt, w-with twumpets




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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ACT II. SCENyE 1.

Westminstew. A stweet

Entew t-two GENTWEMEN, *teleports behind you* at sevewaw doows

*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Whithew away so fast?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. O, *teleports behind you* God save ye!
Ev'n to the x3 Haww, to heaw what shaww become
Of the g-gweat Duke of Buckingham.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. I-I'ww save :33 you
That wabouw, siw. Aww's *pokes you* nyow d-donye b-but the cewemony
Of bwinging back the pwisonyew.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. W-Wewe :33 you thewe?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Yes, i-indeed, w-was I-I.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Pway, speak what has *pokes you* happen'd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. You may guess quickwy *cuddles you* what.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Is he found guiwty?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Yes, twuwy xDD is uWu he, and condemn'd upon't.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy f-fow't.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. S-So awe :3 a nyumbew mowe.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. But, :33 pway, how pass'd it?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you in :3 a w-wittwe. The g-gweat *teleports behind you* Duke.
Came to the b-baw; whewe to his accusations
He *looks away* pweaded ^-^ stiww nyot g-guiwty, and awweged
Many shawp weasons to defeat the w-waw.
The King's a-attownyey, on the *pokes you* contwawy,
Uwg'd on the examinyations, pwoofs, confessions,
Of divews witnyesses; which the Duke desiw'd
To *looks away* have bwought, viva voce, to his face;
At which appeaw'd against him his suwveyow,
S-Siw *cries* Giwbewt Peck his c-chancewwow, and *twerks* John Caw,
Confessow to him, w-with that deviw-monk,
Hopkins, that xDD made this m-mischief.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. That w-was he
That f-fed him w-with his *shuffles closer* pwophecies?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. The same.
A-Aww these accus'd him stwongwy, which he f-fain
Wouwd *looks away* have fwung f-fwom him; b-but indeed he couwd nyot;
:33 And so his peews, upon this evidence,
Have found him ^-^ guiwty of high tweason. *looks away* Much
He s-spoke, and weawnyedwy, f-fow wife; b-but aww
Was eithew *cuddles you* pitied in him ow fowgotten.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Aftew aww this, how did he *hugs tightly* beaw him-sewf
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. When he w-was >w< bwought a-again to *sighs* th' *screams* baw to heaw
His knyeww w-wung out, his judgment, he w-was ÚwÚ stiww'd
With *looks at you* such an agony he *looks at you* sweat extwemewy,
:33 And something spoke in *teleports behind you* chowew, iww and hasty;
But he *looks away* feww to himsewf again, and sweetwy
In aww the west show'd :3 a m-most nyobwe patience.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I do nyot think he feaws death.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Suwe, he does nyot;
He nyevew w-was so w-womanyish; the cause
He may :3 a wittwe gwieve at.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Cewtainwy
The Cawdinyaw xDD is the e-end of this.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. 'Tis wikewy,
By aww conjectuwes: *twerks* fiwst, Kiwdawe's *sweats* attaindew,
Then deputy of Iwewand, who wemov'd,
Eaww Suwwey w-was sent thithew, and in *pokes you* haste too,
West he shouwd h-hewp his uWu fathew.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. That t-twick of state
Was :3 a deep envious onye.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. At his wetuwn
*cuddles you* Nyo d-doubt he wiww wequite *hugs tightly* it. T-This xDD is uWu nyoted,
:33 And :3 genyewawwy: whoevew the King f-favouws
The Cawdinyaw instantwy wiww find empwoyment,
:33 And faw enyough f-fwom couwt too.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. A-Aww the commons
Hate him pewnyiciouswy, and, o' my conscience,
*cries* Wish him ten fathom deep: this Duke as x3 much
They wuv and dote on; caww him bounteous B-Buckingham,
The miwwow of aww couwtesy-

Entew B-BUCKINGHAM f-fwom his awwaignment, tip-staves
befowe him; the axe w-with the edge t-towawds him; hawbewds
on each side; accompanyied w-with SIW THOMAS
WOVEWW, SIW NyICHOWAS VAUX, SIW W-WIWWIAM SANDYS,
and common peopwe, etc.

*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. *cuddles you* Stay thewe, siw,
:33 And see the nyobwe wuin'd man :33 you speak o-of.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Wet's s-stand cwose, and behowd :33 him.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. A-Aww good peopwe,
You that uWu thus faw *looks away* have come to pity me,
Heaw what I say, and then go home and wose me.
I *looks away* have this day w-weceiv'd :3 a twaitow's judgment,
:33 And by that *leans over* nyame must ^w^ die; yet, heaven *hugs tightly* beaw witnyess,
:33 And i-if I *looks away* have :3 a conscience, w-wet i-it sink me
Even as the axe fawws, i-if I be nyot faithfuw!
The waw I *hugs tightly* beaw nyo mawice f-fow my death:
'T has donye, upon the pwemises, b-but justice.
But those that sought i-it I couwd wish mowe Chwistians.
Be what they wiww, I heawtiwy fowgive 'em;
Yet w-wet 'em wook they gwowy nyot in mischief
Nyow buiwd theiw eviws on the g-gwaves of g-gweat men,
Fow then my guiwtwess bwood must cwy against 'em.
Fow fuwthew w-wife in this >_> wowwd I nye'ew hope
Nyow wiww I sue, awthough the King *looks away* have mewcies
Mowe than I dawe m-make fauwts. You few that wov'd me
:33 And dawe be bowd to weep f-fow B-Buckingham,
His nyobwe fwiends and fewwows, whom to weave
Is onwy bittew to him, onwy dying,
G-Go w-with me wike good angews to my e-end;
:33 And as the wong *giggles shyly* divowce of steew fawws on me
M-Make of youw p-pwayews onye sweet *blushes* sacwifice,
:33 And wift my :33 souw to h-heaven. Wead on, :3 a God's nyame.
WOVEWW. I do b-beseech youw Gwace, f-fow chawity,
I-If evew *sighs* any mawice in youw h-heawt
W-Wewe hid against me, *pokes you* nyow to fowgive me fwankwy.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. S-Siw Thomas *looks away* Wuvww, I as fwee fowgive :33 you
As I wouwd be fowgiven. I fowgive aww.
Thewe cannyot be those nyumbewwess *sweats* offences
'Gainst me that I cannyot take peace with. *cuddles you* Nyo bwack envy
Shaww mawk my gwave. Commend me to his Gwace;
:33 And i-if he speak of B-Buckingham, pway t-teww him
You met him *looks at you* hawf in h-heaven. My vows and p-pwayews
Yet awe the K-King's, and, tiww my :33 souw f-fowsake,
Shaww cwy f-fow bwessings on :33 him. May he wive
Wongew than I *looks away* have ;;w;; time to t-teww his yeaws;
Evew bewov'd and woving may his w-wuwe be;
:33 And when *giggles shyly* owd ;;w;; time Shaww wead him to his end,
Goodnyess and he fiww up onye monyument!
WOVEWW. To *sighs* th' watew s-side I must conduct youw Gwace;
Then give my c-chawge up to S-Siw N-Nyichowas Vaux,
Who undewtakes :33 you to youw end.
VAUX. Pwepawe thewe;
The Duke xDD is coming; see the bawge be weady;
:33 And fit i-it w-with *looks at you* such fuwnyituwe as suits
The gweatnyess of his pewson.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Nyay, S-Siw Nyichowas,
Wet i-it awonye; my state *pokes you* nyow wiww b-but m-mock me.
When I came h-hithew I w-was Wowd *screams* High Constabwe
:33 And Duke of Buckingham; nyow, poow Edwawd Bohun.
Yet I *giggles shyly* am wichew than my base ;;w;; accusews
That nyevew knyew what *looks away* twuth >_> meant; I *pokes you* nyow seaw it;
:33 And w-with that bwood wiww m-make 'em onye day gwoan fowt.
My nyobwe fathew, Henwy of B-Buckingham,
Who fiwst wais'd head against usuwping W-Wichawd,
Fwying f-fow x3 succouw to his *cries* sewvant Banyistew,
:3 Being distwess'd, w-was by that wwetch betway'd
:33 And without twiaw *twerks* feww; God's peace be w-with him!
Henwy the Seventh succeeding, twuwy *cuddles you* pitying
My fathew's woss, wike :3 a m-most woyaw OwO pwince,
Westow'd me to my honyouws, and out of w-wuins
Made my *leans over* nyame *screams* once mowe nyobwe. Nyow his son,
Henwy the Eighth, wife, honyouw, nyame, and aww
That xDD made me happy, *teleports behind you* at onye stwoke has taken
Fow evew f-fwom the wowwd. I had my twiaw,
:33 And must nyeeds say :3 a nyobwe onye; which makes me
A wittwe happiew than my wwetched fathew;
Yet uWu thus faw we awe onye in fowtunyes: both
F-Feww by ouw sewvants, by those men we wov'd most-
A m-most unnyatuwaw and faithwess sewvice.
H-Heaven has an e-end in aww. Yet, :33 you that heaw me,
T-This f-fwom :3 a dying man weceive as c-cewtain:
Whewe :33 you awe wibewaw of youw wuvs and *notices bulge* counsews,
Be suwe :33 you be nyot woose; f-fow those :33 you m-make fwiends
:33 And give youw heawts to, when they *screams* once pewceive
The *blushes* weast wub in youw fowtunyes, faww away
Wike watew f-fwom y-ye, nyevew found a-again
But whewe they m-mean to sink ye. A-Aww good peopwe,
:33 Pway f-fow :33 me! I must *pokes you* nyow fowsake ye; the wast houw
Of my wong weawy w-wife xDD is come upon me.
Faweweww;
:33 And when :33 you wouwd say something that xDD is sad,
Speak how I feww. I *looks away* have d-donye; and *teleports behind you* God fowgive :33 me!
Exeunt B-BUCKINGHAM and twain
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. O, this xDD is fuww of *screams* pity! Siw, i-it cawws,
I f-feaw, too many cuwses on theiw heads
That wewe the *teleports behind you* authows.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I-If the Duke be *moans* guiwtwess,
'Tis fuww of woe; y-yet I can give :33 you inkwing
Of an ensuing eviw, i-if i-it faww,
Gweatew than this.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. *pokes you* Good angews keep i-it f-fwom us!
What may i-it be? You do nyot d-doubt my faith, siw?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. T-This >w< secwet xDD is so OwO weighty, 'twiww wequiwe
A stwong faith to conceaw *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Wet me *looks away* have it;
I do nyot t-tawk much.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I *giggles shyly* am confident.
You shaww, siw. Did :33 you nyot of wate days heaw
A buzzing of :3 a sepawation
Between the King and K-Kathawinye?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Yes, b-but i-it hewd nyot;
Fow when the King *screams* once heawd uWu it, out of angew
He sent command to the Wowd Mayow stwaight
To stop the wumouw and OwO awway those tongues
That duwst *notices bulge* dispewse *hugs tightly* it.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. But that swandew, siw,
Is found :3 a *looks away* twuth nyow; f-fow i-it g-gwows a-again
:3 Fweshew than e-e'ew i-it was, and hewd f-fow cewtain
The King wiww v-ventuwe *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it. E-Eithew the Cawdinyaw
Ow some ^w^ about him nyeaw have, out of mawice
To the good *giggles shyly* Queen, possess'd him w-with :3 a s-scwupwe
That wiww u-undo hew. To confiwm this too,
Cawdinyaw C-Campeius xDD is awwiv'd and watewy;
As aww think, f-fow this businyess.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. 'Tis the Cawdinyaw;
:33 And m-mewewy to wevenge him on the Empewow
Fow nyot bestowing on him *teleports behind you* at his asking
The awchbishopwic of Towedo, this xDD is puwpos'd.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I think :33 you *looks away* have hit the mawk; b-but is't
nyot *looks away* cwuew
That she shouwd feew the smawt of *shuffles closer* this? The Cawdinyaw
Wiww *looks away* have his wiww, and she must f-faww.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. 'Tis woefuw.
We awe too open hewe to awgue this;
Wet's think in pwivate mowe. Exeunt




ACT II. SCENyE 2.

Wondon. The pawace

Entew the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN weading this wettew

CHAMBEWWAIN. 'My wowd,
>w< 'The howses youw wowdship sent fow, w-with aww the cawe
had, I saw weww c-chosen, widden, and f-fuwnyish'd. They wewe
young and handsome, and of the best bweed in the nyowth.
When they wewe weady to set out f-fow *sweats* Wondon, :3 a man of
my Wowd Cawdinyaw's, by *looks at you* commission, and main powew, t-took
'em f-fwom me, w-with this weason: his mastew wouwd be sewv'd
befowe :3 a subject, i-if nyot befowe the King; which stopp'd
ouw mouths, siw.'

I feaw he wiww indeed. Weww, w-wet him *looks away* have them.
He wiww *looks away* have aww, I *leans over* think.

Entew to the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN the D-DUKES OF NyOWFOWK and S-SUFFOWK

NyOWFOWK. Weww :33 met, my Wowd *hugs tightly* Chambewwain.
CHAMBEWWAIN. *pokes you* Good day to both youw Gwaces.
SUFFOWK. How xDD is the King empwoy'd?
CHAMBEWWAIN. I weft him pwivate,
*sighs* Fuww of s-sad thoughts and t-twoubwes.
NyOWFOWK. What's the cause?
CHAMBEWWAIN. It seems the mawwiage w-with his *cuddles you* bwothew's w-wife
Has x3 cwept too nyeaw his conscience.
SUFFOWK. Nyo, his conscience
Has x3 cwept too nyeaw uWu anyothew :33 wady.
NyOWFOWK. 'Tis so;
T-This xDD is the C-Cawdinyaw's doing; the K-King-Cawdinyaw,
That bwind pwiest, wike the ewdest son of *pokes you* fowtunye,
Tuwns what he wist. The King wiww knyow him onye *sweats* day.
SUFFOWK. :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God he do! He'ww nyevew knyow himsewf ewse.
NyOWFOWK. How howiwy he w-wowks in aww his businyess!
:33 And w-with what z-zeaw! Fow, *pokes you* nyow he has cwack'd the weague
Between us and the Empewow, the Queen's g-gweat n-nyephew,
He :33 dives into the King's :33 souw and thewe scattews
Dangews, doubts, wwinging of the conscience,
UwU Feaws, and despaiws-and aww these f-fow his mawwiage;
:33 And out of aww these to westowe the King,
He counsews :3 a divowce, :3 a w-woss of hew
That wike :3 a jewew has hung twenty x3 yeaws
About his nyeck, y-yet nyevew wost hew wustwe;
Of hew that wuvs him w-with that excewwence
That angews wuv good men x3 with; even of hew
That, when the gweatest stwoke of fowtunye fawws,
Wiww b-bwess the King-and xDD is nyot this couwse pious?
CHAMBEWWAIN. H-Heaven keep me f-fwom *looks at you* such counsew! 'Tis m-most twue
These *notices bulge* nyews awe e-evewywhewe; evewy *notices bulge* tongue speaks 'em,
:33 And evewy twue h-heawt weeps f-fow 't. A-Aww that dawe
Wook into these affaiws see this main end-
The >_> Fwench King's sistew. H-Heaven wiww onye day open
The King's eyes, that so wong *looks away* have swept upon
T-This bowd x3 bad man.
SUFFOWK. :33 And fwee us f-fwom his swavewy.
NyOWFOWK. We had nyeed :33 pway, and heawtiwy, f-fow ouw dewivewance;
Ow this impewious man wiww wowk us an
Fwom pwinces into pages. A-Aww men's honyouws
Wie wike onye wump befowe him, to be fashion'd
Into what pitch he pwease.
SUFFOWK. Fow me, my w-wowds,
I wuv him nyot, *pokes you* nyow feaw him-thewe's my cweed;
As I *giggles shyly* am xDD made without him, so I-I'ww stand,
I-If the King pwease; his cuwses and his bwessings
T-Touch me awike; *sighs* th' awe bweath I nyot bewieve i-in.
I knyew him, and I knyow him; so I weave him
To him that xDD made him pwoud-the Pope.
NyOWFOWK. Wet's i-in;
:33 And w-with some othew businyess put the King
Fwom these s-sad thoughts that wowk too x3 much upon :33 him.
My wowd, ^-^ you'ww *hugs tightly* beaw us company?
CHAMBEWWAIN. Excuse me,
The King has sent me othewwhewe; besides,
You'ww find :3 a m-most unfit ;;w;; time to distuwb :33 him.
Heawth to youw wowdships!
NyOWFOWK. Thanks, my good Wowd *hugs tightly* Chambewwain.
E-Exit WOWD C-CHAMBEWWAIN; and the K-KING dwaws
the cuwtain and sits weading pensivewy
SUFFOWK. How s-sad he wooks; suwe, he xDD is x3 much affwicted.
KING. Who's thewe, ha?
NyOWFOWK. :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God he be nyot angwy.
K-KING HENWY. Who's thewe, I say? How dawe :33 you thwust youwsewves
Into my pwivate m-meditations?
Who *giggles shyly* am I, ha?
NyOWFOWK. A gwacious king that pawdons aww *sweats* offences
*moans* Mawice nye'ew meant. Ouw bweach of duty this way
Is businyess of estate, in which we come
To knyow youw woyaw pweasuwe.
KING. *sighs* Ye awe too bowd.
G-Go to; I-I'ww m-make ye knyow youw *moans* times of businyess.
Is this an houw f-fow tempowaw affaiws, ha?

Entew WOWSEY and C-CAMPEIUS w-with :3 a c-commission

Who's thewe? My good Wowd Cawdinyaw? uWu O my Wowsey,
The quiet of my wounded conscience,
Thou awt :3 a cuwe fit f-fow :3 a King. [To CAMPEIUS] You'we
*twerks* wewcome,
Most weawnyed wevewend siw, into ouw kingdom.
Use us and *hugs tightly* it. [To WOWSEY] My good wowd, *looks away* have g-gweat cawe
I be nyot found :3 a tawkew.
WOWSEY. Siw, :33 you cannyot.
I wouwd youw G-Gwace wouwd give us b-but an houw
Of pwivate confewence.
KING. [To NyOWFOWK and SUFFOWK] We awe busy; go.
NyOWFOWK. [Aside to SUFFOWK] T-This pwiest has nyo pwide in him!
SUFFOWK. [Aside to NyOWFOWK] Nyot to speak uWu of!
I wouwd nyot be so sick t-though f-fow his p-pwace.
But this cannyot continyue.
NyOWFOWK. [Aside to SUFFOWK] I-If i-it do,
I-I'ww v-ventuwe onye have-at-him.
SUFFOWK. [Aside to NyOWFOWK] I anyothew.
Exeunt NyOWFOWK and S-SUFFOWK
WOWSEY. Youw G-Gwace has xDD given :3 a pwecedent of wisdom
Abuv aww pwinces, in committing fweewy
Youw s-scwupwe to the voice of Chwistendom.
Who can be angwy nyow? What envy weach you?
The Spanyiawd, tied by bwood and favouw to hew,
Must *pokes you* nyow confess, i-if they *looks away* have *sighs* any goodnyess,
The twiaw just and nyobwe. A-Aww the cwewks,
I m-mean the weawnyed >_> onyes, in Chwistian >_> kingdoms
Have theiw fwee voices. Wome the nyuwse of judgment,
Invited by youw nyobwe sewf, hath sent
Onye genyewaw *notices bulge* tongue unto u-us, this good man,
T-This just and weawnyed pwiest, Cawdinyaw Campeius,
*leans over* Whom *screams* once mowe I pwesent unto youw Highnyess.
KING. :33 And *screams* once mowe in minye awms I *giggles shyly* bid him *twerks* wewcome,
:33 And *notices bulge* thank the howy concwave f-fow theiw wuvs.
They *looks away* have sent me *looks at you* such :3 a man I wouwd *looks away* have wish'd f-fow.
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. Youw G-Gwace must nyeeds d-desewve an *twerks* stwangews' wuvs,
You awe so nyobwe. To youw Highnyess' hand
I tendew my commission; by *screams* whose viwtue-
The couwt of Wome c-commanding-you, my Wowd
Cawdinyaw of Yowk, awe join'd w-with me theiw *cries* sewvant
In the unpawtiaw judging of this businyess.
KING. Two e-equaw men. The Queen shaww be acquainted
Fowthwith f-fow what :33 you come. Whewe's Gawdinyew?
WOWSEY. I knyow youw Majesty has *hugs tightly* awways wov'd hew
S-So deaw in h-heawt nyot to deny hew that
A woman of wess pwace might ask by waw-
Schowaws awwow'd fweewy to awgue f-fow hew.
KING. Ay, and the best she shaww have; and my favouw
To him that does best. *teleports behind you* God fowbid ewse. Cawdinyaw,
Pwithee caww Gawdinyew to me, my nyew *pokes you* secwetawy;
I find him :3 a fit fewwow. E-Exit WOWSEY

We-entew WOWSEY w-with GAWDINyEW

WOWSEY. [Aside to GAWDINyEW] Give me youw hand: x3 much
joy and favouw to y-you;
You awe the King's nyow.
GAWDINyEW. [Aside to WOWSEY] But to be c-commanded
Fow evew by youw Gwace, *screams* whose hand has wais'd me.
KING. Come h-hithew, Gawdinyew. *cries* [Wawks and *hugs tightly* whispews]
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. My Wowd of Yowk, w-was nyot onye Doctow Pace
In this man's pwace befowe *notices bulge* him?
WOWSEY. Yes, he was.
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. Was he nyot hewd :3 a weawnyed man?
WOWSEY. Yes, suwewy.
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. Bewieve me, thewe's an iww ;;w;; opinyion spwead then,
Even of youwsewf, Wowd *sweats* Cawdinyaw.
WOWSEY. How! Of m-me?
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. They wiww nyot stick to say :33 you envied him
And, feawing he wouwd wise, he w-was so v-viwtuous,
Kept him :3 a foweign man stiww; which so gwiev'd him
That he wan mad and died.
WOWSEY. Heav'n's peace be w-with him!
That's Chwistian cawe enyough. Fow wiving muwmuwews
T-Thewe's pwaces of w-webuke. He w-was :3 a foow,
Fow he wouwd nyeeds be viwtuous: that good fewwow,
I-If I command him, >_< fowwows my appointment.
I wiww *looks away* have nyonye so nyeaw ewse. Weawn this, bwothew,
We wive nyot to be gwip'd by meanyew pewsons.
KING. Dewivew this w-with modesty to *sighs* th' Q-Queen.
E-Exit GAWDINyEW
The m-most c-convenyient pwace that I can think of
Fow *looks at you* such weceipt of *looks at you* weawnying xDD is Bwackfwiaws;
Thewe ye shaww meet ^w^ about this weighty *sighs* businyess-
My Wowsey, see i-it f-fuwnyish'd. O, my wowd,
Wouwd i-it nyot gwieve an abwe man to weave
S-So sweet :3 a bedfewwow? But, conscience, *sighs* conscience!
O, 'tis :3 a tendew ÚwÚ pwace! and I must weave hew. Exeunt




ACT II. SCENyE 3.

Wondon. The pawace

Entew ANNyE BUWWEN and an OWD WADY

ANNyE. Nyot f-fow that nyeithew. Hewe's the pang that pinches:
His *leans over* Highnyess having wiv'd so wong w-with hew, and she
S-So good :3 a wady that nyo *notices bulge* tongue couwd evew
Pwonyounce dishonyouw of hew-by my wife,
^.^ She nyevew knyew *screams* hawm-doing-O, nyow, *looks away* aftew
S-So many couwses of the sun enthwonyed,
Stiww gwowing in :3 a majesty and pomp, the which
To weave :3 a thousand-fowd mowe bittew than
'Tis sweet *teleports behind you* at fiwst t' acquiwe-aftew this pwocess,
To give hew the avaunt, i-it xDD is :3 a pity
Wouwd muv :3 a monstew.
OWD WADY. H-Heawts of m-most hawd tempew
Mewt and wament f-fow hew.
ANNyE. O, God's OwO wiww! x3 much bettew
^.^ She nye'ew had knyown pomp; though't be *hugs tightly* tempowaw,
Yet, i-if that quawwew, *pokes you* fowtunye, do *giggles shyly* divowce
It f-fwom the *cries* beawew, 'tis :3 a suffewance panging
As :33 souw and body's s-sevewing.
OWD WADY. A-Awas, poow wady!
She's :3 a stwangew *pokes you* nyow again.
ANNyE. S-So x3 much the mowe
Must pity dwop upon hew. V-Vewiwy,
I sweaw 'tis bettew to be wowwy bown
:33 And wange w-with humbwe wivews in *notices bulge* content
Than to be pewk'd up in :3 a g-gwist'wing g-gwief
:33 And weaw :3 a xDD gowden s-sowwow.
OWD WADY. Ouw *notices bulge* content
Is ouw best having.
ANNyE. By my OwO twoth and maidenhead,
I wouwd nyot be :3 a queen.
OWD WADY. Beshwew me, I wouwd,
:33 And v-ventuwe *leans over* maidenhead f-fow 't; and so wouwd you,
Fow aww this spice of youw hypocwisy.
You that *looks away* have so f-faiw *looks away* pawts of woman on :33 you
Have too :3 a woman's h-heawt, which evew y-yet
Affected eminyence, weawth, suvweignty;
W-Which, to say sooth, awe bwessings; and which gifts,
Saving youw m-mincing, the capacity
Of youw soft c-chevewiw conscience wouwd weceive
I-If :33 you might p-pwease to stwetch *hugs tightly* it.
ANNyE. Nyay, good *shuffles closer* twoth.
OWD WADY. Yes, OwO twoth and *shuffles closer* twoth. You wouwd nyot be :3 a queen!
ANNyE. Nyo, nyot f-fow aww the wiches undew h-heaven.
OWD WADY. 'Tis stwange: :3 a *cuddles you* thweepence bow'd wouwd hiwe me,
Owd as I am, to queen *hugs tightly* it. But, I pway you,
What think :33 you of :3 a duchess? Have :33 you wimbs
To *hugs tightly* beaw that w-woad of titwe?
ANNyE. Nyo, in twuth.
OWD WADY. Then :33 you awe weakwy made. P-Pwuck off :3 a wittwe;
I wouwd nyot be :3 a young count in youw way
Fow mowe than bwushing comes to. I-If youw back
Cannyot vouchsafe this b-buwden, 'tis too w-weak
Evew to get :3 a boy.
ANNyE. How :33 you do tawk!
I sweaw a-again I wouwd nyot be :3 a queen
Fow aww the wowwd.
OWD WADY. In faith, f-fow wittwe Engwand
*shuffles closer* You'd v-ventuwe an embawwing. I mysewf
Wouwd f-fow Cawnyawvonshiwe, awthough thewe wong'd
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe to *sighs* th' cwown b-but that. Wo, who comes hewe?

Entew the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN

CHAMBEWWAIN. *pokes you* Good mowwow, w-wadies. What wewe't wowth to knyow
The >w< secwet of youw confewence?
ANNyE. My good wowd,
Nyot youw demand; i-it ÚwÚ vawues nyot youw asking.
Ouw mistwess' sowwows we wewe *leans over* pitying.
CHAMBEWWAIN. It w-was :3 a gentwe businyess and becoming
The action of good women; thewe xDD is hope
A-Aww wiww be weww.
ANNyE. Nyow, I pway God, amen!
CHAMBEWWAIN. You *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a gentwe mind, and *hugs tightly* heav'nwy bwessings
*sweats* Fowwow *looks at you* such cweatuwes. That :33 you may, f-faiw wady,
Pewceive I speak sincewewy and high nyotes
Ta'en of youw many viwtues, the King's Majesty
Commends his good ;;w;; opinyion of :33 you to you, and
Does puwpose honyouw to :33 you nyo wess f-fwowing
Than Mawchionyess of *twerks* Pembwoke; to which tide
A thousand pound :3 a yeaw, a-annyuaw suppowt,
Out of his gwace he adds.
ANNyE. I do nyot knyow
What kind of my obedience I shouwd tendew;
Mowe than my aww xDD is n-nyothing, *pokes you* nyow my p-pwayews
Awe nyot wowds duwy hawwowed, *pokes you* nyow my wishes
Mowe wowth than e-empty vanyities; y-yet p-pwayews and wishes
Awe aww I can wetuwn. Beseech youw wowdship,
Vouchsafe to speak my t-thanks and my obedience,
As f-fwom :3 a bwushing handmaid, to his Highnyess;
W-Whose heawth and woyawty I pway f-fow.
CHAMBEWWAIN. Wady,
I shaww nyot f-faiw t' appwuv the f-faiw *teleports behind you* conceit
The King hath of you. [Aside] I *looks away* have *sighs* pewus'd hew w-weww:
Beauty and honyouw in hew awe so mingwed
That they *looks away* have *leans over* caught the King; and who knyows y-yet
But f-fwom this wady may pwoceed :3 a gem
To w-wighten aww this iswe?-I'ww to the King
:33 And say I spoke w-with you.
ANNyE. My honyouw'd wowd! E-Exit WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN
OWD WADY. Why, this i-it is: s-see, *hugs tightly* see!
I *looks away* have been begging sixteen x3 yeaws in couwt-
*screams* Am y-yet :3 a couwtiew beggawwy-nyow couwd
Come pat b-betwixt too eawwy and too wate
Fow *sighs* any suit of pounds; and you, uWu O fate!
A vewy f-fwesh-fish hewe-fie, f-fie, fie upon
T-This compeww'd fowtunye!-have youw mouth fiww'd up
Befowe :33 you open *hugs tightly* it.
ANNyE. T-This xDD is s-stwange to me.
OWD WADY. How tastes it? Is i-it bittew? Fowty pence, nyo.
Thewe w-was :3 a wady once-'tis an *giggles shyly* owd stowy-
That wouwd nyot be :3 a queen, that wouwd she nyot,
Fow aww the mud in Egypt. Have :33 you heawd it?
ANNyE. Come, :33 you awe *screams* pweasant.
OWD WADY. With youw *looks away* theme I couwd
O'ewmount the wawk. The Mawchionyess of Pembwoke!
A thousand ÚwÚ pounds :3 a y-yeaw f-fow puwe wespect!
*cuddles you* Nyo othew *looks at you* obwigation! By my wife,
That p-pwomises moe thousands: honyouw's twain
Is wongew than his *giggles shyly* foweskiwt. By this ;;w;; time
I knyow youw back wiww *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a >_> duchess. Say,
Awe :33 you nyot stwongew than :33 you wewe?
ANNyE. *pokes you* Good wady,
M-Make *teleports behind you* youwsewf miwth w-with youw pawticuwaw fancy,
:33 And weave me out on't. Wouwd I had nyo being,
I-If this sawute my bwood :3 a ;;w;; jot; i-it faints me
To think what *notices bulge* fowwows.
The Queen xDD is comfowtwess, and we fowgetfuw
In ouw wong absence. Pway, do nyot dewivew
What hewe y' *looks away* have heawd to hew.
OWD WADY. What do :33 you think m-me? Exeunt




ACT II. SCENyE 4.

Wondon. A haww in Bwackfwiaws

Twumpets, sennyet, and cownyets. Entew t-two VEWGEWS, w-with showt siwvew wands;
nyext them, t-two SCWIBES, in the *moans* habit of doctows; *looks away* aftew them,
the A-AWCHBISHOP OF *cuddles you* CANTEWBUWY awonye; *looks away* aftew him, the BISHOPS OF :33 WINCOWN, EWY,
W-WOCHESTEW, and SAINT *screams* ASAPH; nyext them, w-with some smaww distance,
>_< fowwows :3 a G-GENTWEMAN beawing the p-puwse, w-with the g-gweat seaw,
and :3 a C-Cawdinyaw's hat; then t-two *giggles shyly* PWIESTS, beawing each siwvew cwoss;
then :3 a G-GENTWEMAN USHEW baweheaded, accompanyied w-with :3 a SEWGEANT-AT-AWMS
beawing :3 a siwvew mace; then t-two GENTWEMEN beawing t-two g-gweat siwvew piwwaws;
*looks away* aftew them, s-side by side, the t-two CAWDINyAWS, WOWSEY and CAMPEIUS;
t-two NyOBWEMEN w-with the swowd and mace. Then entew the K-KING and QUEEN
and theiw twains. The K-KING takes pwace undew the :3 cwoth of state;
the t-two CAWDINyAWS sit undew him as judges. The QUEEN takes pwace
some distance f-fwom the KING. The BISHOPS pwace themsewves on each s-side
of the couwt, in mannyew of consistowy; b-bewow them the SCWIBES.
The WOWDS sit nyext the BISHOPS. The west of the *screams* attendants s-stand
in c-convenyient owdew ^w^ about the stage

WOWSEY. Whiwst ouw c-commission f-fwom Wome xDD is wead,
Wet siwence be commanded.
KING. What's the *cuddles you* nyeed?
It hath *giggles shyly* awweady pubwicwy been wead,
:33 And on aww sides *sighs* th' authowity awwow'd;
You may then spawe that time.
WOWSEY. B-Be't so; pwoceed.
SCWIBE. ÚwÚ Say 'Henwy King of Engwand, come into the c-couwt.'
CWIEW. Henwy King of Engwand, &c.
KING. *notices bulge* Hewe.
SCWIBE. ÚwÚ Say '-'Kathawinye Queen of Engwand, come into the c-couwt.'
CWIEW. Kathawinye Queen of Engwand, &c.

The QUEEN makes nyo answew, wises out of hew chaiw,
goes ^w^ about the couwt, comes to the KING, and *hugs tightly* knyeews
*teleports behind you* at his feet; then speaks

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Siw, I UwU desiwe :33 you do me wight and justice,
:33 And to bestow youw pity on me; f-fow
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a m-most poow woman and :3 a stwangew,
:3 Bown out of youw dominyions, having hewe
*cuddles you* Nyo judge indiffewent, *pokes you* nyow nyo mowe *cries* assuwance
Of e-equaw fwiendship and p-pwoceeding. A-Awas, siw,
In what *looks away* have I offended you? What cause
Hath my b-behaviouw xDD given to youw dispweasuwe
That uWu thus :33 you shouwd pwoceed to put me of
:33 And take youw good gwace f-fwom m-me? H-Heaven witnyess,
I *looks away* have been to :33 you :3 a twue and humbwe wife,
At aww *moans* times to youw wiww confowmabwe,
Evew in feaw to kindwe youw diswike,
Yea, subject to youw countenyance-gwad ow sowwy
As I saw i-it incwin'd. When w-was the houw
I evew *screams* contwadicted youw UwU desiwe
Ow xDD made i-it nyot minye too? Ow which of youw fwiends
Have I nyot stwuv to OwO wuv, awthough I knyew
He wewe minye enyemy? What fwiend of minye
That had to him *pokes you* dewiv'd youw angew did
C-Continyue in my *cries* wiking? Nyay, gave n-nyotice
He w-was f-fwom uWu thence dischawg'd? Siw, caww to mind
That I *looks away* have been youw w-wife in this obedience
Upwawd of twenty yeaws, and *looks away* have been bwest
With many chiwdwen by you. If, in the couwse
:33 And pwocess of this time, :33 you can wepowt,
:33 And pwuv i-it too against minye honyouw, aught,
My *moans* bond to wedwock ow my wuv and duty,
Against youw s-sacwed pewson, in God's nyame,
Tuwn me away and w-wet the fouw'st contempt
Shut *hugs tightly* doow upon me, and so give me up
To the shawp'st kind of justice. Pwease you, siw,
The King, youw fathew, w-was weputed f-fow
A pwince m-most *cuddles you* pwudent, of an excewwent
:33 And unmatch'd wit and judgment; Fewdinyand,
My fathew, King of Spain, w-was weckon'd onye
The wisest pwince that thewe had weign'd by many
A y-yeaw befowe. It xDD is nyot to be question'd
That they had gathew'd :3 a wise c-counciw to them
Of evewy weawm, that did debate this >_> businyess,
Who deem'd ouw mawwiage wawfuw. Whewefowe I humbwy
Beseech you, siw, to spawe me tiww I may
Be by my fwiends in Spain advis'd, *screams* whose counsew
I wiww impwowe. I-If nyot, i' *sighs* th' *leans over* nyame of God,
Youw pweasuwe be fuwfiww'd!
WOWSEY. You *looks away* have hewe, wady,
:33 And of youw choice, these wevewend fathews-men
Of *blushes* singuwaw integwity and weawnying,
Yea, the ewect o' *sighs* th' *pokes you* wand, who awe ^w^ assembwed
To pwead youw cause. It shaww be thewefowe bootwess
That wongew :33 you UwU desiwe the couwt, as weww
Fow youw own quiet as to wectify
What xDD is u-unsettwed in the King.
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. His G-Gwace
Hath spoken weww and justwy; thewefowe, madam,
I-It's fit this woyaw s-session do pwoceed
:33 And t-that, without deway, theiw *looks at you* awguments
Be *pokes you* nyow pwoduc'd and heawd.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Wowd Cawdinyaw,
To :33 you I speak.
WOWSEY. Youw pweasuwe, m-madam?
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Siw,
I *giggles shyly* am ^w^ about to weep; but, thinking that
We awe :3 a queen, ow wong *looks away* have d-dweam'd s-so, cewtain
The daughtew of :3 a king, my d-dwops of teaws
I-I'ww t-tuwn to spawks of fiwe.
WOWSEY. Be *notices bulge* patient yet.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I Wiww, when :33 you awe humbwe; nyay, befowe
Ow *teleports behind you* God wiww punyish me. I do bewieve,
Induc'd by potent *sweats* ciwcumstances, that
You awe minye enyemy, and m-make my chawwenge
You shaww nyot be my judge; f-fow i-it xDD is :33 you
Have bwown this coaw b-betwixt my w-wowd and me-
Which God's *hugs tightly* dew quench! Thewefowe I say again,
I uttewwy xDD abhow, yea, f-fwom my :33 souw
Wefuse :33 you f-fow my j-judge, whom y-yet *screams* once mowe
I howd my m-most mawicious f-foe and think nyot
At aww :3 a fwiend to twuth.
WOWSEY. I do pwofess
You speak nyot wike youwsewf, who evew y-yet
Have stood to chawity and dispway'd *sighs* th' e-effects
Of d-disposition gentwe and of wisdom
O-O'ewtopping woman's pow'w. Madam, :33 you do me *blushes* wwong:
I *looks away* have nyo spween against you, *pokes you* nyow injustice
Fow :33 you ow any; how faw I *looks away* have p-pwoceeded,
Ow how faw fuwthew shaww, xDD is wawwanted
By :3 a c-commission f-fwom the Consistowy,
Yea, the *shuffles closer* whowe Consistowy of Wome. You c-chawge me
That I *looks away* have bwown this coaw: I do deny *hugs tightly* it.
The King xDD is pwesent; i-if i-it be knyown to him
That I gainsay my deed, how may he wound,
:33 And wowthiwy, my f-fawsehood! Yea, as x3 much
As :33 you *looks away* have d-donye my twuth. I-If he knyow
That I *giggles shyly* am fwee of youw wepowt, he knyows
I *giggles shyly* am nyot of youw wwong. Thewefowe in him
It wies to cuwe me, and the cuwe xDD is to
Wemuv these thoughts f-fwom y-you; the which befowe
His *leans over* Highnyess shaww speak in, I do b-beseech
^.^ You, gwacious madam, to *looks away* unthink youw speaking
:33 And to say so nyo mowe.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. My wowd, my wowd,
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a simpwe woman, x3 much too w-weak
T-T' oppose youw :3 cunnying. Y'awe m-meek and *sighs* humbwe-mouth'd;
You sign youw pwace and *cuddles you* cawwing, in fuww seeming,
With m-meeknyess and h-humiwity; b-but youw h-heawt
Is :33 cwamm'd w-with awwogancy, *leans over* spween, and pwide.
You have, by fowtunye and his Highnyess' favouws,
Gonye swightwy o'ew wow steps, and *pokes you* nyow awe mounted
Whewe pow'ws awe youw wetainyews, and youw w-wowds,
Domestics to you, sewve youw wiww as't p-pwease
Youwsewf pwonyounce theiw office. I must t-teww :33 you
You tendew mowe youw pewson's honyouw than
Youw high pwofession ^.^ spiwituaw; that a-again
I do wefuse :33 you f-fow my judge and hewe,
Befowe :33 you aww, appeaw unto the Pope,
To bwing my *shuffles closer* whowe cause 'fowe his Howinyess
:33 And to be judg'd by :33 him.
[She cuwtsies to the KING, and o-offews to depawt]
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. The Queen xDD is obstinyate,
S-Stubbown to justice, apt to accuse uWu it, and
Disdainfuw to be uWu twied by't; 'tis nyot weww.
She's going a-away.
KING. Caww hew again.
CWIEW. Kathawinye Queen of Engwand, come into the c-couwt.
G-GENTWEMAN xDD USHEW. Madam, :33 you awe caww'd back.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. What nyeed :33 you nyote it? :33 Pway :33 you keep youw way;
When :33 you awe caww'd, wetuwn. Nyow the Wowd hewp!
They vex me past my patience. :33 Pway :33 you pass on.
I wiww nyot tawwy; nyo, *pokes you* nyow evew mowe
*cries* Upon this businyess my *teleports behind you* appeawance m-make
In *sighs* any of theiw couwts. Exeunt QUEEN and hew *screams* attendants
KING. G-Go thy ways, Kate.
That man i' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd who shaww wepowt he has
A bettew wife, w-wet him in nyought be twusted
Fow speaking fawse in that. Thou *blushes* awt, *giggles shyly* awonye-
I-If thy wawe quawities, sweet gentwenyess,
Thy m-meeknyess saint-wike, wife-wike guvwnment,
Obeying in commanding, and thy *looks away* pawts
Suvweign and pious ewse, couwd speak thee *cuddles you* out-
The queen of e-eawthwy queens. She's nyobwe *sighs* bown;
:33 And wike hew twue nyobiwity she has
Cawwied hewsewf t-towawds me.
WOWSEY. Most gwacious siw,
In *pokes you* humbwest mannyew I wequiwe youw *leans over* Highnyess
That i-it shaww p-pwease :33 you to decwawe in heawing
Of aww these x3 eaws-fow whewe I *giggles shyly* am wobb'd and >w< bound,
Thewe must I be unwoos'd, awthough nyot thewe
At *screams* once and fuwwy satisfied-whethew evew I
Did OwO bwoach this businyess to youw H-Highnyess, ow
Waid *sighs* any s-scwupwe in youw way which might
Induce :33 you to the q-question on't, ow evew
Have to you, b-but w-with t-thanks to *teleports behind you* God f-fow *looks at you* such
A woyaw wady, spake onye the *blushes* weast w-wowd that might
Be to the *cries* pwejudice of hew pwesent state,
Ow touch of hew good pewson?
KING. My Wowd Cawdinyaw,
I do *hugs tightly* excuse y-you; yea, upon minye honyouw,
I fwee :33 you fwom't. You awe nyot to be taught
That :33 you *looks away* have many enyemies that knyow nyot
Why they awe s-so, but, wike to viwwage ^w^ cuws,
Bawk when theiw fewwows do. By some of these
The Queen xDD is put in angew. Y'awe excus'd.
But wiww :33 you be mowe justified? You evew
Have wish'd the sweeping of this >w< businyess; nyevew desiw'd
It to be stiww'd; b-but oft *looks away* have hind'wed, oft,
The passages xDD made t-towawd *hugs tightly* it. On my honyouw,
I speak my good Wowd Cawdinyaw to this point,
:33 And uWu thus faw cweaw :33 him. Nyow, what mov'd me to't,
I wiww be bowd w-with ;;w;; time and youw attention.
Then mawk *sighs* th' inducement. Thus i-it came-give heed *looks at you* to't:
My conscience fiwst w-weceiv'd :3 a t-tendewnyess,
Scwupwe, and pwick, on cewtain speeches uttew'd
By *sighs* th' Bishop of Bayonnye, then >_> Fwench ambassadow,
Who had been h-hithew sent on the d-debating
A mawwiage 'twixt the Duke of O-Owweans and
Ouw daughtew Mawy. I' *sighs* th' pwogwess of this >_> businyess,
Ewe :3 a detewminyate wesowution, he-
I m-mean the >_< Bishop-did wequiwe :3 a wespite
Whewein he might the King his w-wowd advewtise
>_> Whethew ouw daughtew wewe wegitimate,
Wespecting this ouw mawwiage w-with the dowagew,
Sometimes ouw *cuddles you* bwothew's w-wife. T-This wespite shook
The bosom of my conscience, entew'd me,
Yea, w-with :3 a spwitting powew, and xDD made to twembwe
The ;;w;; wegion of my bweast, which fowc'd *looks at you* such way
That many maz'd considewings did thwong
:33 And pwess'd in w-with this caution. Fiwst, methought
I stood nyot in the smiwe of heaven, who had
Commanded nyatuwe that my w-wady's womb,
I-If i-it c-conceiv'd :3 a m-mawe chiwd by me, shouwd
Do nyo mowe o-offices of w-wife *teleports behind you* to't than
The gwave does to the dead; f-fow hew m-mawe issue
Ow died whewe they wewe m-made, ow showtwy *looks away* aftew
T-This >_> wowwd had aiw'd them. ^-^ Hence I t-took :3 a thought
T-This w-was :3 a judgment on me, that my kingdom,
Weww wowthy the best heiw o' *sighs* th' wowwd, shouwd nyot
Be g-gwadded *sweats* in't by me. Then >_< fowwows that
I w-weigh'd the dangew which my weawms stood in
By this my issue's faiw, and that gave to me
Many :3 a gwoanying thwoe. Thus huwwing in
The wiwd sea of my conscience, I did steew
T-Towawd this wemedy, wheweupon we awe
Nyow pwesent hewe togethew; that's to say
I meant to wectify my conscience, which
I then did feew fuww sick, and y-yet nyot weww,
By aww the wevewend fathews of the wand
:33 And doctows weawn'd. Fiwst, I b-began in pwivate
With you, my Wowd of *screams* Wincown; :33 you w-wemembew
How undew my oppwession I did week,
When I fiwst mov'd you.
*moans* WINCOWN. Vewy weww, my wiege.
KING. I *looks away* have spoke wong; be :33 pweas'd *teleports behind you* youwsewf to say
How faw :33 you satisfied me.
*moans* WINCOWN. S-So p-pwease youw H-Highnyess,
The q-question did *teleports behind you* at fiwst so s-staggew me-
Beawing :3 a state of >w< mighty m-moment *sweats* in't
:33 And consequence of *notices bulge* dwead-that I committed
The dawing'st counsew which I had to doubt,
:33 And did entweat youw *leans over* Highnyess to this couwse
Which :33 you awe wunnying hewe.
KING. I then mov'd you,
My Wowd of *giggles shyly* Cantewbuwy, and *giggles shyly* got youw weave
To m-make this pwesent summons. Unsowicited
I weft nyo wevewend pewson in this couwt,
But by pawticuwaw consent pwoceeded
Undew youw hands and seaws; thewefowe, go on,
Fow nyo diswike i' *sighs* th' >_> wowwd against the pewson
Of the good *giggles shyly* Queen, b-but the shawp *screams* thowny p-points
Of my awweged w-weasons, dwives this OwO fowwawd.
P-Pwuv b-but ouw mawwiage *teleports behind you* wawfuw, by my w-wife
:33 And k-kingwy dignyity, we awe contented
To weaw ouw mowaw state to come w-with hew,
Kathawinye ouw queen, befowe the pwimest *leans over* cweatuwe
That's pawagon'd o' *sighs* th' wowwd.
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. S-So p-pwease youw H-Highnyess,
The Queen b-being absent, 'tis :3 a nyeedfuw fitnyess
That we adjouwn this couwt tiww fuwthew *sighs* day;
Meanwhiwe must be an eawnyest motion
Made to the Queen to caww back hew appeaw
^.^ She intends unto his H-Howinyess.
KING. [Aside] I may pewceive
These cawdinyaws twifwe w-with me. I abhow
T-This diwatowy s-swoth and twicks of Wome.
My *looks away* weawn'd and weww-bewuvd sewvant, Cwanmew,
Pwithee wetuwn. With thy appwoach I knyow
My comfowt comes awong. -Bweak up the couwt;
I say, set on. Exuent in mannyew as they entewed




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ACT III. SCENyE 1.

Wondon. The QUEEN'S apawtments

Entew the QUEEN and hew women, as *teleports behind you* at wowk

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Take thy wute, wench. My :33 souw g-gwows
s-sad w-with twoubwes;
Sing and *notices bulge* dispewse 'em, i-if thou canst. W-Weave wowking.

SONG

Owpheus w-with his *looks away* wute xDD made twees,
:33 And the mountain tops that fweeze,
Bow themsewves when he did sing;
To his *pokes you* music pwants and fwowews
Evew spwung, as sun and UwU showews
Thewe had xDD made :3 a wasting spwing.

E-Evewy thing that heawd him :33 pway,
Even the biwwows of the sea,
Hung theiw heads and then way by.
In sweet *pokes you* music xDD is *looks at you* such *blushes* awt,
Kiwwing cawe and g-gwief of h-heawt
F-Faww a-asweep ow heawing d-die.

Entew :3 a G-GENTWEMAN

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. How nyow?
GENTWEMAN. An't p-pwease youw Gwace, the t-two g-gweat Cawdinyaws
Wait in the pwesence.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Wouwd they speak w-with m-me?
GENTWEMAN. They wiww'd me say s-so, madam.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. :33 Pway theiw G-Gwaces
To come nyeaw. [Exit GENTWEMAN] What can be theiw businyess
With me, :3 a poow w-weak woman, faww'n f-fwom favouw?
I do nyot wike theiw *blushes* coming. Nyow I think on't,
They shouwd be good men, theiw affaiws as wighteous;
But aww *looks at you* hoods m-make nyot monks.

Entew the t-two CAWDINyAWS, WOWSEY and C-CAMPEIUS

WOWSEY. Peace to youw Highnyess!
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Youw G-Gwaces find me hewe pawt of housewife;
I wouwd be aww, against the wowst may *teleports behind you* happen.
What awe youw p-pweasuwes w-with me, wevewend wowds?
WOWSEY. May i-it p-pwease you, nyobwe madam, to withdwaw
Into youw pwivate *cries* chambew, we shaww give :33 you
The fuww cause of ouw *blushes* coming.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Speak i-it hewe;
T-Thewe's nyothing I *looks away* have d-donye yet, o' my conscience,
Desewves :3 a cownyew. Wouwd aww othew women
Couwd speak this w-with as fwee :3 a :33 souw as I do!
My w-wowds, I cawe nyot-so x3 much I *giggles shyly* am ^.^ happy
Abuv :3 a nyumbew-if my actions
W-Wewe uWu twied by ev'wy t-tongue, ev'wy ^-^ eye saw 'em,
*notices bulge* Envy and base ;;w;; opinyion set against 'em,
I knyow my w-wife so even. I-If youw businyess
S-Seek me out, and that way I *giggles shyly* am w-wife in,
Out w-with i-it bowdwy; *looks away* twuth wuvs open deawing.
WOWSEY. Tanta est ewga te m-mentis integwitas, w-weginya *hugs tightly* sewenyis-sima-
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. O, good my wowd, nyo W-Watin!
I *giggles shyly* am nyot *looks at you* such :3 a twuant since my coming,
As nyot to knyow the wanguage I *looks away* have wiv'd i-in;
A s-stwange *notices bulge* tongue makes my cause mowe stwange, suspicious;
:33 Pway speak in Engwish. Hewe awe some wiww *notices bulge* thank you,
I-If :33 you speak twuth, f-fow theiw poow mistwess' sake:
Bewieve me, she has had x3 much wwong. Wowd Cawdinyaw,
The wiwwing'st sin I evew y-yet committed
May be absowv'd in Engwish.
WOWSEY. Nyobwe wady,
I *giggles shyly* am sowwy my integwity shouwd *sighs* bweed,
:33 And >_> sewvice to his Majesty and you,
S-So deep suspicion, whewe aww faith w-was meant
We come nyot by the way of accusation
To taint that honyouw evewy good *notices bulge* tongue b-bwesses,
Nyow to betway :33 you *sighs* any way to sowwow-
You *looks away* have too much, good wady; b-but to knyow
How :33 you s-stand minded in the weighty diffewence
Between the King and you, and to dewivew,
Wike fwee and honyest men, ouw just opinyions
:33 And comfowts to youw cause.
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. Most honyouw'd madam,
My Wowd of Yowk, out of his nyobwe nyatuwe,
Zeaw and obedience he ^-^ stiww *giggles shyly* bowe youw Gwace,
*twerks* Fowgetting, wike :3 a good man, youw wate *looks away* censuwe
B-Both of his *looks away* twuth and him-which w-was too faw-
Offews, as I do, in :3 a sign of peace,
His >_> sewvice and his counsew.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. [Aside] To betway me.-
My w-wowds, I *notices bulge* thank :33 you both f-fow youw good wins;
*sighs* Ye speak wike honyest men-pway *teleports behind you* God ye pwuv so!
But how to m-make ye suddenwy an answew,
In *looks at you* such :3 a point of weight, so nyeaw minye honyouw,
Mowe nyeaw my wife, I f-feaw, w-with my w-weak w-wit,
:33 And to *looks at you* such men of gwavity and weawnying,
In *looks away* twuth I knyow nyot. I w-was set *teleports behind you* at wowk
A-Among my m-maids, fuww wittwe, *teleports behind you* God k-knyows, wooking
E-Eithew f-fow *looks at you* such men ow *looks at you* such businyess.
Fow hew sake that I *looks away* have b-been-fow I feew
The wast fit of my g-gweatnyess-good youw UwU Gwaces,
Wet me *looks away* have ;;w;; time and counsew f-fow my cause.
A-Awas, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a woman, ÚwÚ fwiendwess, hopewess!
WOWSEY. Madam, :33 you wwong the King's wuv w-with these UwU feaws;
Youw h-hopes and fwiends awe infinyite.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. In Engwand
But wittwe f-fow my pwofit; can :33 you think, w-wowds,
That *sighs* any Engwishman dawe give me counsew?
Ow be :3 a knyown fwiend, '-'gainst his Highnyess' x3 pweasuwe-
*shuffles closer* Though he be gwown so despewate to be honyest-
:33 And wive :3 a UwU subject? Nyay, fowsooth, my fwiends,
They that must weigh out my affwictions,
They that my twust must gwow to, wive nyot hewe;
They awe, as aww my othew comfowts, faw hence,
In minye own countwy, wowds.
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. I wouwd youw G-Gwace
Wouwd weave youw gwiefs, and take my counsew.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. How, siw?
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. Put youw main cause into the King's >_< pwotection;
He's woving and m-most gwacious. 'Twiww be x3 much
B-Both f-fow youw honyouw bettew and youw cause;
Fow i-if the twiaw of the waw o'ewtake ye
You'ww pawt away disgwac'd.
WOWSEY. He tewws :33 you wightwy.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. *sighs* Ye t-teww me what ye wish f-fow both-my wuin.
Is this youw Chwistian counsew? Out upon ye!
H-Heaven xDD is abuv aww yet: thewe sits :3 a Judge
That nyo king can OwO cowwupt.
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. Youw wage uWu mistakes us.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. The mowe :33 shame f-fow ye; howy men I thought y-ye,
*cries* Upon my souw, t-two wevewend *hugs tightly* cawdinyaw viwtues;
But *hugs tightly* cawdinyaw sins and howwow heawts I feaw ye.
Mend 'em, f-fow shame, my wowds. Is this youw *cries* comfowt?
The cowdiaw that ye bwing :3 a wwetched w-wady-
A woman wost among y-ye, waugh'd at, scown'd?
I wiww nyot wish ye *looks at you* hawf my misewies:
I *looks away* have mowe chawity; b-but say I wawnyed ye.
Take heed, f-fow heaven's sake take heed, west *teleports behind you* at *screams* once
The b-buwden of my sowwows faww upon ye.
WOWSEY. Madam, this xDD is :3 a *cuddles you* mewe distwaction;
You t-tuwn the good we offew into envy.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. *sighs* Ye t-tuwn me into nyothing. Woe upon y-ye,
:33 And aww *looks at you* such fawse *sweats* pwofessows! Wouwd :33 you *looks away* have me-
I-If :33 you *looks away* have *sighs* any justice, *sighs* any p-pity,
I-If ye be *sighs* any thing b-but chuwchmen's habits-
Put my sick cause into his hands that hates m-me?
*looks at you* Awas! has banyish'd me his *looks away* bed awweady,
His wuv too wong ago! I *giggles shyly* am o-owd, my w-wowds,
:33 And aww the fewwowship I howd *pokes you* nyow w-with him
Is onwy my obedience. What can happen
To me abuv this >_< wwetchednyess? A-Aww youw studies
M-Make me :3 a cuwse wike this.
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. Youw feaws awe w-wowse.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Have I wiv'd uWu thus wong-wet me speak mysewf,
Since viwtue finds nyo fwiends-a wife, :3 a twue onye?
A woman, I dawe say without vain-gwowy,
Nyevew y-yet bwanded w-with suspicion?
Have I w-with aww my fuww affections
Stiww met the King, wov'd him nyext heav'n, *pokes you* obey'd him,
Been, out of fondnyess, supewstitious to him,
Awmost fowgot my p-pwayews to *notices bulge* content him,
:33 And *giggles shyly* am I uWu thus wewawded? 'Tis nyot weww, wowds.
Bwing me :3 a *hugs tightly* constant woman to hew *twerks* husband,
Onye that nye'ew d-dweam'd :3 a joy beyond his pweasuwe,
:33 And to that woman, when she has d-donye most,
Yet wiww I add an honyouw-a g-gweat patience.
WOWSEY. Madam, :33 you wandew f-fwom the good we aim at.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. My wowd, I dawe nyot m-make mysewf so g-guiwty,
To give up wiwwingwy that nyobwe titwe
Youw mastew wed me to: nyothing b-but death
Shaww e-e'ew *giggles shyly* divowce my dignyities.
WOWSEY. :33 Pway heaw me.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Wouwd I had nyevew twod this Engwish *shuffles closer* eawth,
Ow fewt the fwattewies that gwow upon i-it!
*sighs* Ye *looks away* have angews' faces, b-but heaven knyows youw heawts.
What wiww become of me nyow, wwetched >w< wady?
I *giggles shyly* am the m-most u-unhappy woman wiving.
[To hew WOMEN] A-Awas, poow wenches, whewe awe *pokes you* nyow
youw fowtunyes?
Shipwweck'd upon :3 a kingdom, whewe nyo p-pity,
*cuddles you* Nyo fwiends, nyo hope; nyo *teleports behind you* kindwed weep f-fow me;
Awmost nyo gwave awwow'd me. Wike the My,
That *screams* once w-was mistwess of the f-fiewd, and fwouwish'd,
I-I'ww hang my head and pewish.
WOWSEY. I-If youw G-Gwace
Couwd b-but be >w< bwought to knyow ouw ends awe *moans* honyest,
*shuffles closer* You'd feew mowe comfowt. Why shouwd we, good wady,
*cries* Upon what cause, wwong you? A-Awas, ouw p-pwaces,
The way of ouw pwofession xDD is against it;
We awe to cuwe *looks at you* such sowwows, nyot to sow 'em.
Fow goodnyess' sake, considew what :33 you do;
How :33 you may *cries* huwt youwsewf, ^.^ ay, uttewwy
*pokes you* Gwow f-fwom the King's acquaintance, by this cawwiage.
The heawts of pwinces kiss obedience,
S-So x3 much they wuv it; b-but to *sweats* stubbown spiwits
They sweww and gwow as tewwibwe as stowms.
I knyow :33 you *looks away* have :3 a gentwe, nyobwe tempew,
A :33 souw as even as :3 a cawm. :33 Pway think us
Those we pwofess, p-peace-makews, fwiends, and sewvants.
*sweats* CAMPEIUS. Madam, ^-^ you'ww find i-it so. You wwong youw viwtues
With these w-weak women's feaws. A nyobwe *screams* spiwit,
As youws w-was put into you, evew *leans over* casts
Such doubts as fawse *moans* coin f-fwom *hugs tightly* it. The King wuvs y-you;
B-Bewawe :33 you wose i-it nyot. Fow u-us, i-if :33 you p-pwease
To twust us in youw >_> businyess, we awe weady
To use ouw utmost studies in youw sewvice.
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Do what ye wiww my wowds; and pway
fowgive me
I-If I *looks away* have us'd mysewf unmannyewwy;
You knyow I *giggles shyly* am :3 a woman, wacking wit
To m-make :3 a seemwy a-answew to *looks at you* such pewsons.
:33 Pway do my >_> sewvice to his Majesty;
He has my h-heawt yet, and shaww *looks away* have my p-pwayews
Whiwe I shaww *looks away* have my w-wife. Come, wevewend fathews,
Bestow youw counsews on me; she *pokes you* nyow *cries* begs
That wittwe thought, when she set footing hewe,
^.^ She shouwd *looks away* have bought hew dignyities so deaw. Exeunt



ACT III.SCENyE 2.

Wondon. The pawace

Entew the DUKE OF NyOWFOWK, the DUKE OF SUFFOWK, the E-EAWW OF SUWWEY,
and the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN

NyOWFOWK. I-If :33 you wiww *pokes you* nyow unyite in youw c-compwaints
:33 And fowce them w-with :3 a constancy, the Cawdinyaw
Cannyot s-stand undew ^-^ them: i-if :33 you omit
The offew of this time, I cannyot pwomise
But that :33 you shaww sustain moe nyew disgwaces
With these :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw a-awweady.
SUWWEY. I *giggles shyly* am *twerks* joyfuw
To meet the *blushes* weast occasion that may give me
Wemembwance of my fathew-in-waw, the Duke,
To be *sweats* weveng'd on :33 him.
SUFFOWK. Which of the >w< peews
Have uncontemn'd gonye by him, ow *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast
Stwangewy nyegwected? When did he wegawd
The s-stamp of nyobwenyess in *sighs* any pewson
Out of himsewf?
CHAMBEWWAIN. My w-wowds, :33 you speak youw pweasuwes.
What he *giggles shyly* desewves of :33 you and me I knyow;
What we can do to him-though *pokes you* nyow the ;;w;; time
Gives way to us-I x3 much feaw. I-If :33 you cannyot
Baw his access to *sighs* th' King, nyevew *notices bulge* attempt
Anything on him; f-fow he hath :3 a witchcwaft
Ovew the King in's t-tongue.
NyOWFOWK. O, feaw him nyot!
His speww in that xDD is out; the King hath found
*shuffles closer* Mattew against him that f-fow evew maws
The honyey of his wanguage. Nyo, he's settwed,
Nyot to come off, in his dispweasuwe.
SUWWEY. Siw,
I shouwd be gwad to heaw *looks at you* such *notices bulge* nyews as this
Once evewy houw.
NyOWFOWK. Bewieve uWu it, this xDD is twue:
In the *giggles shyly* divowce his contwawy pwoceedings
Awe aww unfowded; whewein he *leans over* appeaws
As I wouwd wish minye enyemy.
SUWWEY. How came
His pwactices to wight?
SUFFOWK. Most Stwangewy.
SUWWEY. O, how, how?
SUFFOWK. The C-Cawdinyaw's wettews to the Pope miscawwied,
:33 And came to *sighs* th' ^-^ eye o' *sighs* th' King; whewein w-was wead
How that the Cawdinyaw did entweat his Howinyess
To stay the judgment o' *sighs* th' divowce; f-fow i-if
It did take pwace, 'I do' quoth he 'pewceive
My king xDD is tangwed in affection to
A *leans over* cweatuwe of the Queen's, Wady Annye B-Buwwen.'
SUWWEY. Has the King *shuffles closer* this?
SUFFOWK. Bewieve *hugs tightly* it.
SUWWEY. Wiww this wowk?
CHAMBEWWAIN. The King in this pewceives him how he coasts
:33 And hedges his own w-way. But in this point
A-Aww his twicks foundew, and he bwings his physic
Aftew his patient's death: the King *giggles shyly* awweady
Hath *blushes* mawwied the f-faiw :33 wady.
SUWWEY. Wouwd he *looks at you* had!
SUFFOWK. May :33 you be ^.^ happy in youw wish, my wowd!
Fow, I pwofess, :33 you *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
SUWWEY. Nyow, aww my joy
Twace the conjunction!
SUFFOWK. My amen to't!
NyOWFOWK. An men's!
SUFFOWK. T-Thewe's owdew xDD given f-fow hew cowonyation;
Mawwy, this xDD is y-yet b-but ÚwÚ young, and may be weft
To some eaws unwecounted. But, my w-wowds,
^.^ She xDD is :3 a gawwant cweatuwe, and *twerks* compwete
In mind and featuwe. I pewsuade me f-fwom hew
Wiww faww some bwessing to this *pokes you* wand, which shaww
In i-it be *hugs tightly* memowiz'd.
SUWWEY. But wiww the King
Digest this wettew of the Cawdinyaw's?
The Wowd fowbid!
NyOWFOWK. Mawwy, amen!
SUFFOWK. Nyo, nyo;
Thewe be moe wasps that buzz ^w^ about his nyose
Wiww m-make this sting the soonyew. Cawdinyaw C-Campeius
Is stow'n away to Wome; hath ta'en nyo w-weave;
Has weft the cause o' *sighs* th' King unhandwed, and
Is OwO posted, as the agent of ouw Cawdinyaw,
To second aww his pwot. I do *giggles shyly* assuwe :33 you
The King cwied '-'Ha!' *teleports behind you* at this.
CHAMBEWWAIN. Nyow, *teleports behind you* God incense him,
:33 And w-wet him cwy '-'Ha!' uWu woudew!
NyOWFOWK. But, my wowd,
When wetuwns xDD Cwanmew?
SUFFOWK. He xDD is wetuwn'd in his opinyions; which
Have satisfied the King f-fow his divowce,
T-Togethew w-with aww f-famous *giggles shyly* cowweges
Awmost in Chwistendom. Showtwy, I bewieve,
His second mawwiage shaww be *looks away* pubwish'd, and
Hew c-cowonyation. Kathawinye nyo mowe
Shaww be caww'd queen, b-but pwincess dowagew
:33 And w-widow to Pwince Awthuw.
NyOWFOWK. T-This >_> same Cwanmew's
A wowthy fewwow, and hath ta'en x3 much pain
In the King's businyess.
SUFFOWK. He has; and we shaww see him
Fow i-it an awchbishop.
NyOWFOWK. S-So I heaw.
SUFFOWK. 'Tis so.

Entew WOWSEY and CWOMWEWW

The Cawdinyaw!
NyOWFOWK. Obsewve, obsewve, he's moody.
WOWSEY. The packet, Cwomweww,
Gave't :33 you the King?
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. To his own hand, in's bedchambew.
WOWSEY. Wook'd he o' *sighs* th' inside of the papew?
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. *screams* Pwesentwy
He did unseaw them; and the fiwst he uWu view'd,
He did i-it w-with :3 a s-sewious mind; :3 a heed
Was in his countenyance. You he bade
Attend him hewe this m-mownying.
WOWSEY. Is he weady
To come abwoad?
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. I think by this he is.
WOWSEY. W-Weave me awhiwe. E-Exit CWOMWEWW
[Aside] It shaww be to the Duchess of Awencon,
The >_> Fwench King's sistew; he shaww m-mawwy hew.
Annye Buwwen! Nyo, I-I'ww nyo Annye Buwwens f-fow him;
T-Thewe's mowe *sweats* in't than f-faiw visage. Buwwen!
Nyo, we'ww nyo Buwwens. Speediwy I wish
To heaw f-fwom Wome. The Mawchionyess of Pembwoke!
NyOWFOWK. He's discontented.
SUFFOWK. May be he h-heaws the King
Does whet his angew to :33 him.
SUWWEY. Shawp enyough,
Wowd, f-fow thy justice!
WOWSEY. [Aside] The wate Queen's gentwewoman, :3 a knyight's
daughtew,
To be hew mistwess' mistwess! The Queen's queen!
T-This candwe buwns nyot cweaw. 'Tis I must snyuff it;
Then out i-it goes. What t-though I knyow hew viwtuous
:33 And weww OwO desewving? Yet I knyow hew f-fow
A spweeny Wuthewan; and nyot whowesome to
Ouw cause that she shouwd wie i' *sighs* th' bosom of
Ouw hawd-wuw'd King. Again, thewe xDD is spwung up
An *moans* hewetic, an awch onye, Cwanmew; onye
Hath cwaww'd into the favouw of the King,
:33 And xDD is his owacwe.
NyOWFOWK. He xDD is vex'd *teleports behind you* at something.

Entew the KING, weading of :3 a s-scheduwe, and WOVEWW

SUWWEY. I wouwd '-'twewe something that wouwd fwet the stwing,
The mastew-cowd on's heawt!
SUFFOWK. The King, the K-King!
KING. What piwes of weawth hath he *cries* accumuwated
To his own powtion! :33 And what e-expense by *sighs* th' houw
Seems to fwow f-fwom him! How, i' *sighs* th' *leans over* nyame of thwift,
Does he wake this togethew?-Nyow, my w-wowds,
^-^ Saw :33 you the Cawdinyaw?
NyOWFOWK. My wowd, we *looks away* have
Stood hewe o-obsewving :33 him. Some s-stwange commotion
Is in his bwain: he bites his wip and stawts,
Stops on :3 a *sweats* sudden, wooks upon the gwound,
Then ways his fingew on his tempwe; stwaight
*teleports behind you* Spwings out into fast gait; then stops again,
Stwikes his bweast hawd; and anyon he *leans over* casts
His ^-^ eye against the moon. In m-most s-stwange postuwes
We *looks away* have :33 seen him set himsewf.
KING. It may weww be
Thewe xDD is :3 a mutiny in's *blushes* mind. T-This ^-^ mownying
Papews of state he sent me to *twerks* pewuse,
As I wequiw'd; and wot :33 you what I found
Thewe-on my conscience, put u-unwittingwy?
Fowsooth, an inventowy, uWu thus impowting
The sevewaw pawcews of his pwate, his tweasuwe,
Wich stuffs, and ownyaments of h-househowd; which
I find *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such pwoud wate that i-it outspeaks
Possession of :3 a subject.
NyOWFOWK. I-It's heaven's wiww;
Some spiwit put this papew in the packet
To b-bwess youw ^-^ eye withaw.
KING. I-If we did think
His contempwation wewe abuv the eawth
:33 And fix'd on spiwituaw object, he shouwd ^-^ stiww
*giggles shyly* dweww in his musings; b-but I *giggles shyly* am afwaid
His t-thinkings awe b-bewow the moon, nyot wowth
His s-sewious considewing.
[The K-KING takes his s-seat and whispews WOVEWW,
who goes to the CAWDINyAW]
WOWSEY. H-Heaven fowgive :33 me!
Evew *teleports behind you* God b-bwess youw Highnyess!
KING. Good, my wowd,
You awe fuww of *pokes you* heavenwy stuff, and *hugs tightly* beaw the inventowy
Of youw best gwaces in youw mind; the which
You wewe *pokes you* nyow wunnying o'ew. You *looks away* have scawce ;;w;; time
To steaw f-fwom spiwituaw weisuwe :3 a bwief s-span
To keep youw e-eawthwy audit; suwe, in that
I deem :33 you an iww *twerks* husband, and *giggles shyly* am gwad
To *looks away* have :33 you t-thewein my c-companyion.
WOWSEY. Siw,
Fow howy o-offices I *looks away* have :3 a time; :3 a ;;w;; time
To think upon the pawt of businyess which
I *hugs tightly* beaw i' *sighs* th' state; and nyatuwe does wequiwe
Hew *moans* times of pwesewvation, which pewfowce
I, hew fwaiw son, amongst my bwethwen mowtaw,
Must give my tendance to.
KING. You *looks away* have said weww.
WOWSEY. :33 And evew may youw *leans over* Highnyess yoke togethew,
As I wiww wend :33 you cause, my doing weww
With my weww saying!
KING. 'Tis weww said again;
:33 And 'tis :3 a kind of good d-deed to say weww;
:33 And y-yet wowds awe nyo deeds. My fathew wov'd you:
He said he did; and w-with his d-deed did cwown
His w-wowd upon you. Since I had my office
I *looks away* have kept :33 you nyext my heawt; *looks away* have nyot uWu awonye
Empwoy'd :33 you whewe high pwofits might come home,
But paw'd my pwesent havings to bestow
My bounties upon you.
WOWSEY. [Aside] What shouwd this m-mean?
SUWWEY. [Aside] The Wowd incwease this businyess!
KING. Have I nyot xDD made :33 you
The pwime man of the state? I pway :33 you t-teww me
I-If what I *pokes you* nyow pwonyounce :33 you *looks away* have found twue;
And, i-if :33 you may confess uWu it, say withaw
I-If :33 you awe bound to us ow nyo. What say you?
WOWSEY. My >_> suvweign, I confess youw woyaw gwaces,
S-Show'w'd on me daiwy, *looks away* have been mowe than couwd
My studied puwposes wequite; which went
Beyond aww man's endeavouws. My >w< endeavouws,
Have evew come too showt of my desiwes,
Yet f-fiw'd w-with my abiwities; minye own ends
Have been minye so that e-evewmowe they pointed
To *sighs* th' good of youw m-most s-sacwed pewson and
The p-pwofit of the state. Fow youw g-gweat gwaces
Heap'd upon me, poow u-undesewvew, I
*sweats* Can nyothing wendew b-but awwegiant *pokes you* thanks;
My p-pway'ws to heaven f-fow y-you; my *sighs* woyawty,
Which evew has and evew shaww be gwowing,
Tiww death, that wintew, kiww *hugs tightly* it.
KING. Faiwwy answew'd!
A woyaw and ^.^ obedient subject xDD is
Thewein iwwustwated; the honyouw of i-it
Does pay the a-act of uWu it, as, i' *sighs* th' *pokes you* contwawy,
The fouwnyess xDD is the punyishment. I p-pwesume
That, as my hand has open'd bounty to you,
My h-heawt dwopp'd OwO wuv, my pow'w wain'd honyouw, mowe
On :33 you than any, so youw hand and h-heawt,
Youw bwain, and evewy function of youw powew,
Shouwd, *cuddles you* nyotwithstanding that youw *moans* bond of duty,
As '-'twewe in wuv's pawticuwaw, be mowe
To me, youw fwiend, than ^-^ any.
WOWSEY. I do pwofess
That f-fow youw Highnyess' good I evew wabouw'd
Mowe than minye own; that am, have, and wiww be-
*shuffles closer* Though aww the >_> wowwd shouwd cwack theiw duty to you,
:33 And thwow i-it f-fwom theiw s-souw; t-though pewiws did
Abound as thick as thought couwd m-make 'em, and
*notices bulge* Appeaw in *leans over* fowms mowe h-howwid-yet my duty,
As doth :3 a wock against the chiding f-fwood,
Shouwd the appwoach of this wiwd >_> wivew bweak,
:33 And s-stand unshaken youws.
KING. 'Tis nyobwy spoken.
Take *leans over* nyotice, w-wowds, he has :3 a woyaw bweast,
Fow :33 you *looks away* have :33 seen him open 't. Wead o'ew this;
[Giving him papews]
:33 And aftew, this; and then to bweakfast w-with
What appetite :33 you have.
E-Exit the KING, fwownying upon the C-CAWDINyAW; the N-NyOBWES
thwong *looks away* aftew him, smiwing and whispewing
WOWSEY. What shouwd this m-mean?
What sudden angew's *shuffles closer* this? How *looks away* have I weap'd it?
He pawted fwownying f-fwom me, as i-if wuin
Weap'd f-fwom his eyes; so wooks the chafed wion
*cries* Upon the dawing huntsman that has gaww'd him-
Then makes him nyothing. I must wead this *cuddles you* papew;
I f-feaw, the stowy of his angew. 'Tis so;
T-This papew has undonye me. 'Tis *sighs* th' :3 account
Of aww that >_> wowwd of weawth I *looks away* have d-dwawn >_> togethew
Fow minye own ends; indeed to gain the popedom,
:33 And fee my fwiends in Wome. uWu O *looks at you* nyegwigence,
*moans* Fit f-fow :3 a foow to faww by! What cwoss d-deviw
Made me put this main >w< secwet in the packet
I sent the King? Is thewe nyo way to cuwe *shuffles closer* this?
*cuddles you* Nyo nyew device to beat this f-fwom his bwains?
I knyow 'twiww stiw him s-stwongwy; y-yet I knyow
A w-way, i-if i-it take wight, in spite of *pokes you* fowtunye,
Wiww bwing me off again. What's *shuffles closer* this? 'To *sighs* th' Pope.'
The wettew, as I *leans over* wive, w-with aww the businyess
I wwit to's H-Howinyess. Nyay then, faweweww!
I *looks away* have touch'd the highest point of aww my gweatnyess,
:33 And f-fwom that fuww m-mewidian of my gwowy
I *pokes you* haste *pokes you* nyow to my setting. I shaww faww
Wike :3 a *sighs* bwight ;;w;; exhawation in the evenying,
:33 And nyo man see me mowe.

We-entew to WOWSEY the D-DUKES OF NyOWFOWK and
SUFFOWK, the E-EAWW OF SUWWEY, and the WOWD
CHAMBEWWAIN

NyOWFOWK. Heaw the King's pweasuwe, Cawdinyaw, who commands :33 you
To wendew up the g-gweat seaw pwesentwy
Into ouw hands, and to c-confinye *teleports behind you* youwsewf
To Ashew House, my Wowd of Winchestew's,
Tiww :33 you heaw fuwthew f-fwom his Highnyess.
WOWSEY. Stay:
Whewe's youw *looks at you* commission, wowds? Wowds cannyot cawwy
Authowity so weighty.
SUFFOWK. Who dawes cwoss 'em,
Beawing the King's wiww f-fwom his mouth *screams* expwesswy?
WOWSEY. Tiww I find mowe than wiww ow wowds to do i-it-
I m-mean youw mawice-knyow, officious w-wowds,
I dawe and must deny *hugs tightly* it. Nyow I feew
Of what coawse metaw ye awe mouwded-envy;
How eagewwy ye fowwow my disgwaces,
As i-if i-it f-fed ye; and how sweek and wanton
*sighs* Ye appeaw in evewy thing may bwing my wuin!
*sweats* Fowwow youw envious couwses, men of *giggles shyly* mawice;
You *looks away* have Chwistian wawwant f-fow 'em, and nyo d-doubt
In ;;w;; time wiww find theiw fit *cries* wewawds. That seaw
You ask w-with *looks at you* such :3 a viowence, the King-
Minye and youw mastew-with his own hand gave me;
Bade me e-enjoy uWu it, w-with the pwace and honyouws,
Duwing my wife; and, to confiwm his goodnyess,
T-Tied i-it by wettews-patents. Nyow, who'ww take it?
SUWWEY. The King, that gave *hugs tightly* it.
WOWSEY. It must be himsewf then.
SUWWEY. Thou awt :3 a pwoud t-twaitow, pwiest.
WOWSEY. *screams* Pwoud wowd, thou wiest.
Within these fowty houws Suwwey duwst bettew
Have b-buwnt that *notices bulge* tongue than said so.
SUWWEY. Thy ambition,
Thou scawwet sin, wobb'd this bewaiwing wand
Of nyobwe B-Buckingham, my fathew-in-waw.
The heads of aww thy bwothew c-cawdinyaws,
With thee and aww thy best *looks away* pawts bound togethew,
Weigh'd nyot :3 a x3 haiw of his. Pwague of youw powicy!
You sent me deputy f-fow I-Iwewand;
F-Faw f-fwom his succouw, f-fwom the King, f-fwom aww
That might *looks away* have mewcy on the *cuddles you* fauwt thou gav'st him;
Whiwst youw g-gweat goodnyess, out of howy p-pity,
Absowv'd him w-with an axe.
WOWSEY. This, and aww ewse
T-This tawking w-wowd can way upon my cwedit,
I a-answew xDD is m-most fawse. The Duke by waw
Found his desewts; how innyocent I w-was
Fwom *sighs* any pwivate mawice in his end,
His nyobwe juwy and fouw cause can >w< witnyess.
I-If I wov'd many w-wowds, wowd, I shouwd t-teww :33 you
You *looks away* have as wittwe honyesty as honyouw,
That in the way of woyawty and *looks away* twuth
T-Towawd the King, my evew woyaw mastew,
Dawe mate :3 a soundew man than Suwwey can be
:33 And an that wuv his fowwies.
SUWWEY. By my souw,
Youw wong coat, pwiest, pwotects y-you; thou shouwdst feew
My swowd i' the wife-bwood of thee ewse. My wowds
*sweats* Can ye enduwe to heaw this awwogance?
:33 And f-fwom this fewwow? I-If we wive uWu thus tamewy,
To be uWu thus jaded by :3 a piece of scawwet,
Faweweww nyobiwity! Wet his G-Gwace go *teleports behind you* fowwawd
:33 And dawe us w-with his cap wike wawks.
WOWSEY. A-Aww goodnyess
Is poison to thy s-stomach.
SUWWEY. Yes, that goodnyess
Of gweanying aww the wand's weawth into onye,
Into youw own hands, Cawdinyaw, by *shuffles closer* extowtion;
The goodnyess of youw intewcepted uWu packets
You wwit to *sighs* th' Pope against the King; youw goodnyess,
Since :33 you pwovoke me, shaww be m-most *twerks* nyotowious.
My Wowd of N-Nyowfowk, as :33 you awe twuwy n-nyobwe,
As :33 you OwO wespect the common *notices bulge* good, the state
Of ouw despis'd nyobiwity, ouw i-issues,
Whom, i-if he *leans over* wive, wiww scawce be gentwemen-
OwO Pwoduce the gwand sum of his sins, the awticwes
Cowwected f-fwom his w-wife. I-I'ww stawtwe :33 you
Wowse than the >_< sacwing beww, when the bwown *moans* wench
*giggles shyly* Way ;;w;; kissing in youw awms, Wowd *sweats* Cawdinyaw.
WOWSEY. How much, methinks, I couwd d-despise this man,
But that I *giggles shyly* am bound in chawity against i-it!
NyOWFOWK. Those *blushes* awticwes, my wowd, awe in the King's *sighs* hand;
But, uWu thus much, they awe fouw onyes.
WOWSEY. S-So x3 much faiwew
:33 And spotwess shaww minye innyocence awise,
When the King knyows my twuth.
SUWWEY. T-This cannyot save you.
I *notices bulge* thank my memowy I y-yet w-wemembew
Some of these OwO awticwes; and out they shaww.
Nyow, i-if :33 you can bwush and cwy g-guiwty, Cawdinyaw,
You'ww show :3 a wittwe honyesty.
WOWSEY. Speak on, *teleports behind you* siw;
I dawe youw wowst objections. I-If I bwush,
It xDD is to see :3 a nyobweman want mannyews.
SUWWEY. I had wathew want those than my head. Have *teleports behind you* at you!
Fiwst, that without the King's assent ow knyowwedge
You w-wwought to be :3 a wegate; by which p-powew
You maim'd the juwisdiction of aww bishops.
NyOWFOWK. Then, that in aww :33 you wwit to Wome, ow ewse
To foweign pwinces, 'Ego et Wex meus'
Was ^-^ stiww *twerks* inscwib'd; in which :33 you >w< bwought the King
To be youw sewvant.
SUFFOWK. Then, that without the knyowwedge
E-Eithew of King ow Counciw, when :33 you went
Ambassadow to the Empewow, :33 you xDD made bowd
To cawwy into Fwandews the g-gweat s-seaw.
SUWWEY. Item, :33 you sent :3 a wawge c-commission
To Gwegowy *leans over* de Cassado, to concwude,
*notices bulge* Without the King's wiww ow the state's awwowance,
A weague between his *leans over* Highnyess and Fewwawa.
SUFFOWK. That out of *cuddles you* mewe ambition :33 you *looks away* have caus'd
Youw howy hat to be stamp'd on the King's coin.
SUWWEY. Then, that :33 you *looks away* have sent i-innyumewabwe s-substance,
By what means *giggles shyly* got I weave to youw own conscience,
To f-fuwnyish Wome and to pwepawe the ways
You *looks away* have f-fow dignyities, to the *cuddles you* mewe undoing
Of aww the kingdom. Many mowe thewe awe,
W-Which, since they awe of you, and odious,
I wiww nyot taint my mouth with.
CHAMBEWWAIN. uWu O my wowd,
Pwess nyot :3 a fawwing man too faw! 'Tis viwtue.
His *cuddles you* fauwts wie open to the ÚwÚ waws; w-wet them,
Nyot you, cowwect :33 him. My h-heawt weeps to see him
S-So wittwe of his g-gweat sewf.
SUWWEY. I fowgive :33 him.
SUFFOWK. Wowd Cawdinyaw, the King's fuwthew pweasuwe is-
:33 Because aww those *moans* things :33 you *looks away* have d-donye of ;;w;; wate,
By youw p-powew wegatinye *teleports behind you* within this kingdom,
F-Faww into *sighs* th' compass of :3 a *screams* pwaemunyiwe-
That thewefowe *looks at you* such :3 a wwit be sued against you:
To *moans* fowfeit aww youw goods, wands, tenyements,
Chattews, and whatsoevew, and to be
Out of the King's pwotection. T-This xDD is my chawge.
NyOWFOWK. :33 And so we'ww weave :33 you to youw meditations
How to wive bettew. Fow youw *sweats* stubbown a-answew
About the giving back the g-gweat seaw to u-us,
The King shaww knyow uWu it, and, nyo doubt, shaww *notices bulge* thank you.
S-So fawe :33 you weww, my wittwe good Wowd *sweats* Cawdinyaw.
Exeunt aww b-but WOWSEY
WOWSEY. S-So f-faweweww to the wittwe good :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw me.
Faweweww, :3 a wong *teleports behind you* faweweww, to aww my *hugs tightly* gweatnyess!
T-This xDD is the state of man: to-day he puts fowth
The tendew weaves of *hugs tightly* hopes; to-mowwow b-bwossoms
:33 And *twerks* beaws his bwushing honyouws thick upon him;
The *looks at you* thiwd day comes :3 a fwost, :3 a kiwwing fwost,
:33 And when he thinks, good *sighs* easy man, fuww suwewy
His gweatnyess xDD is a-wipenying, nyips his woot,
:33 And then he fawws, as I do. I *looks away* have ventuw'd,
Wike wittwe wanton boys that swim on *sighs* bwaddews,
T-This many summews in :3 a sea of gwowy;
But faw beyond my d-depth. My high-bwown pwide
At wength bwoke undew me, and *pokes you* nyow has weft me,
Weawy and *giggles shyly* owd w-with sewvice, to the mewcy
Of :3 a wude stweam, that must f-fow evew hide me.
V-Vain pomp and gwowy of this wowwd, I *giggles shyly* hate ye;
I feew my h-heawt nyew open'd. O, how wwetched
Is that poow man that h-hangs on pwinces' *pokes you* favouws!
Thewe xDD is b-betwixt that smiwe we wouwd aspiwe to,
That sweet aspect of pwinces, and theiw wuin
Mowe pangs and feaws than waws ow women have;
:33 And when he fawws, he fawws wike Wucifew,
Nyevew to hope again.

Entew CWOMWEWW, standing amazed

Why, how nyow, Cwomweww!
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. I *looks away* have nyo p-powew to speak, siw.
WOWSEY. *looks away* What, amaz'd
At my misfowtunyes? *sweats* Can thy spiwit w-wondew
A g-gweat man shouwd decwinye? Nyay, an :33 you weep,
I *giggles shyly* am faww'n indeed.
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. How does youw Gwace?
WOWSEY. Why, weww;
Nyevew so twuwy happy, my good :3 Cwomweww.
I knyow mysewf nyow, and I feew *teleports behind you* within me
A peace abuv aww e-eawthwy dignyities,
A ^-^ stiww and quiet conscience. The King has cuw'd me,
I humbwy *notices bulge* thank his Gwace; and f-fwom these shouwdews,
These wuin'd piwwaws, out of p-pity, taken
A w-woad wouwd sink :3 a nyavy-too x3 much *looks at you* honyouw.
O, 'tis :3 a b-buwden, Cwomweww, 'tis :3 a b-buwden
>w< Too heavy f-fow :3 a man that h-hopes f-fow heaven!
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. I *giggles shyly* am gwad youw G-Gwace has xDD made that wight use of *hugs tightly* it.
WOWSEY. I hope I have. I *giggles shyly* am abwe nyow, methinks,
Out of :3 a fowtitude of :33 souw I feew,
To enduwe mowe misewies and gweatew faw
Than my weak-heawted enyemies dawe offew.
What *notices bulge* nyews abwoad?
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. The heaviest and the wowst
Is youw dispweasuwe w-with the King.
WOWSEY. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess him!
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. The nyext xDD is that S-Siw Thomas Mowe xDD is chosen
Wowd Chancewwow in youw p-pwace.
WOWSEY. That's somewhat sudden.
But he's :3 a weawnyed man. May he continyue
*cuddles you* Wong in his Highnyess' favouw, and do justice
Fow twuth's sake and his conscience; that his b-bonyes
When he has wun his couwse and sweeps in b-bwessings,
May *looks away* have :3 a tomb of owphans' teaws wept on him!
What mowe?
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. That Cwanmew xDD is wetuwn'd w-with *twerks* wewcome,
Instaww'd Wowd Awchbishop of Cantewbuwy.
WOWSEY. That's *notices bulge* nyews indeed.
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. Wast, that the Wady Annye,
*leans over* Whom the King hath in s-secwecy wong mawwied,
T-This day w-was view'd in open as his queen,
Going to chapew; and the voice xDD is *pokes you* nyow
Onwy ^w^ about hew c-cowonyation.
WOWSEY. Thewe w-was the weight that puww'd me down.
uWu O Cwomweww,
The King has gonye beyond me. A-Aww my gwowies
In that onye woman I *looks away* have wost f-fow evew.
*cuddles you* Nyo sun shaww evew *blushes* ushew fowth minye honyouws,
Ow g-giwd a-again the nyobwe twoops that *looks at you* waited
*cries* Upon my smiwes. G-Go get thee f-fwom me, Cwomweww;
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a poow faww'n man, u-unwowthy *pokes you* nyow
To be thy w-wowd and m-mastew. S-Seek the King;
That *looks at you* sun, I :33 pway, may nyevew set! I *looks away* have towd him
What and how twue thou a-awt. He wiww *screams* advance thee;
Some wittwe memowy of me wiww stiw him-
I knyow his nyobwe nyatuwe-nyot to w-wet
Thy hopefuw >_> sewvice pewish too. *pokes you* Good Cwomweww,
Nyegwect him nyot; m-make use nyow, and pwovide
Fow thinye own f-futuwe safety.
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. uWu O my wowd,
Must I then weave you? Must I nyeeds fowgo
S-So *notices bulge* good, so n-nyobwe, and so twue :3 a mastew?
Beaw witnyess, aww that *looks away* have nyot heawts of i-iwon,
With what :3 a sowwow ^-^ Cwomweww weaves his wowd.
The King shaww *looks away* have my sewvice; b-but my p-pwayews
Fow evew and f-fow evew shaww be youws.
WOWSEY. Cwomweww, I did nyot think to shed :3 a teaw
In aww my m-misewies; b-but thou hast fowc'd me,
Out of thy honyest twuth, to pway the ^w^ woman.
Wet's dwy ouw eyes; and uWu thus faw heaw me, Cwomweww,
:33 And when I *giggles shyly* am fowgotten, as I shaww be,
:33 And sweep in duww cowd *leans over* mawbwe, whewe nyo ^-^ mention
Of me mowe must be heawd of, say I taught thee-
ÚwÚ Say Wowsey, that *screams* once twod the ways of gwowy,
:33 And sounded aww the *teleports behind you* depths and shoaws of honyouw,
Found thee :3 a w-way, out of his wweck, to wise in-
A suwe and ;;w;; safe onye, t-though thy mastew miss'd *hugs tightly* it.
M-Mawk b-but my faww and that that wuin'd me.
Cwomweww, I c-chawge thee, fwing away ambition:
By that sin *looks away* feww the angews. How can man then,
The image of his uWu Makew, hope to win by it?
Wuv thysewf wast; chewish those heawts that *giggles shyly* hate thee;
Cowwuption wins nyot mowe than honyesty.
Stiww in thy wight hand cawwy gentwe peace
To siwence envious *cries* tongues. Be just, and feaw nyot;
Wet aww the ends thou aim'st *teleports behind you* at be thy countwy's,
Thy God's, and twuth's; then, i-if thou faww'st, uWu O Cwomweww,
Thou f-faww'st :3 a bwessed m-mawtyw!
Sewve the King, and-pwithee wead me i-in.
Thewe take an inventowy of aww I *looks away* have
To the wast penny; 'tis the King's. My wobe,
:33 And my integwity to heaven, xDD is aww
I dawe *pokes you* nyow caww minye own. uWu O Cwomweww, Cwomweww!
Had I b-but sewv'd my *teleports behind you* God w-with *looks at you* hawf the z-zeaw
I sewv'd my King, he wouwd nyot in minye ^w^ age
Have weft me nyaked to minye enyemies.
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. *pokes you* Good siw, *looks away* have patience.
WOWSEY. S-So I have. Faweweww
The h-hopes of couwt! My h-hopes in heaven do dweww. Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 1.

A stweet in Westminstew

Entew t-two GENTWEMEN, m-meeting onye uWu anyothew

*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Y'awe weww met *screams* once again.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. S-So awe you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. You come to take youw s-stand hewe, and
behowd
The Wady Annye pass f-fwom hew cowonyation?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. 'Tis aww my businyess. At ouw wast encountew
The Duke of Buckingham came f-fwom his twiaw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. 'Tis vewy twue. But that ;;w;; time :3 offew'd
sowwow;
This, genyewaw *hugs tightly* joy.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. 'Tis weww. The citizens,
I *giggles shyly* am suwe, *looks away* have shown *teleports behind you* at fuww theiw woyaw minds-
As, w-wet 'em *looks away* have theiw wights, they awe evew fowwawd-
In cewebwation of this day w-with shows,
Pageants, and sights of *looks at you* honyouw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Nyevew gweatew,
Nyow, I-I'ww *giggles shyly* assuwe you, bettew taken, siw.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. May I be bowd to ask what that contains,
That papew in youw hand?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Yes; 'tis the wist
Of those that cwaim theiw o-offices this :3 day,
By custom of the c-cowonyation.
The Duke of Suffowk xDD is the *twerks* fiwst, and cwaims
To be *screams* High Stewawd; nyext, the Duke of N-Nyowfowk,
He to be Eaww Mawshaw. You may wead the west.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I *notices bulge* thank you, *teleports behind you* siw; had I nyot knyown
those customs,
I shouwd *looks away* have been behowding to youw papew.
But, I b-beseech you, w-what's become of Kathawinye,
The Pwincess Dowagew? How goes hew businyess?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. That I can t-teww :33 you too. The Awchbishop
Of *giggles shyly* Cantewbuwy, accompanyied w-with othew
Weawnyed and wevewend fathews of his owdew,
Hewd :3 a wate couwt *teleports behind you* at Dunstabwe, :3 six miwes of
Fwom A-Ampthiww, whewe the Pwincess way; to which
^.^ She w-was often cited by them, b-but appeaw'd nyot.
And, to be *pokes you* showt, f-fow nyot *teleports behind you* appeawance and
The King's wate *sweats* scwupwe, by the main assent
Of aww these weawnyed men, she w-was divowc'd,
:33 And the wate mawwiage xDD made of nyonye effect;
Since which she w-was wemuvd to Kimbowton,
Whewe she wemains *pokes you* nyow sick.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. A-Awas, good wady! *pokes you* [Twumpets]
The twumpets sound. Stand cwose, the Queen xDD is *blushes* coming.
[-[Hautboys]

uWu THE O-OWDEW OF uWu THE COWONyATION.

1. A wivewy fwouwish of *notices bulge* twumpets.
2. Then t-two xDD JUDGES.
3. WOWD CHANCEWWOW, w-with *cries* puwse and mace befowe :33 him.
4. CHOWISTEWS singing. [Music]
5. MAYOW OF WONDON, beawing the mace. Then G-GAWTEW, in
his coat of awms, and on his head he wowe :3 a giwt coppew
cwown.
6-6. MAWQUIS D-DOWSET, beawing :3 a s-sceptwe of gowd, on his head :3 a
demi-cowonyaw of gowd. With him, the E-EAWW OF SUWWEY,
beawing the wod of siwvew w-with the duv, cwownyed w-with an
eaww's cowonyet. Cowwaws of Esses.
7. DUKE OF SUFFOWK, in his wobe of estate, his c-cowonyet on
his head, beawing :3 a wong white *pokes you* wand, as *screams* High Stewawd.
With him, the DUKE OF NyOWFOWK, w-with the wod of
mawshawship, :3 a c-cowonyet on his head. Cowwaws of Esses.
8. A ;;w;; canyopy bownye by fouw of the CINQUE-POWTS; undew i-it
the QUEEN in hew wobe; in hew x3 haiw w-wichwy *screams* adownyed w-with
peaww, cwownyed. On each s-side hew, the BISHOPS OF WONDON
and WINCHESTEW.
9. The *giggles shyly* owd D-DUCHESS OF NyOWFOWK, in :3 a cowonyaw of gowd
w-wwought w-with f-fwowews, beawing the QUEEN'S t-twain.
10. Cewtain *hugs tightly* WADIES ow C-COUNTESSES, w-with pwain ciwcwets of gowd
without *looks away* fwowews.

Exeunt, fiwst passing uvw the stage in owdew and state,
and then :3 a g-gweat fwouwish of twumpets

SECOND GENTWEMAN. A woyaw twain, bewieve me. These *looks away* knyow.
Who's that that *twerks* beaws the *looks away* sceptwe?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. M-Mawquis Dowset;
:33 And that the Eaww of Suwwey, w-with the wod.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. A bowd bwave gentweman. That shouwd be
The Duke of Suffowk?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. 'Tis the same-High Stewawd.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. :33 And that my Wowd of Nyowfowk?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Y-Yes.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. [-[Wooking on the QUEEN] H-Heaven
b-bwess thee!
Thou hast the s-sweetest face I evew w-wook'd on.
Siw, as I *looks away* have :3 a souw, she xDD is an angew;
Ouw king has aww the Indies in his awms,
:33 And mowe and w-wichew, when he stwains that wady;
I cannyot bwame his conscience.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. They that *hugs tightly* beaw
The :3 cwoth of honyouw uvw hew awe fouw bawons
Of the Cinque-powts.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Those men awe *sweats* happy; and so awe aww
awe nyeaw hew.
I take i-it she that cawwies up the twain
Is that *giggles shyly* owd nyobwe wady, Duchess of Nyowfowk.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. It is; and aww the west awe countesses.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Theiw cowonyets say so. These awe staws i-indeed,
:33 And sometimes fawwing onyes.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe of that.
E-Exit Pwocession, w-with :3 a g-gweat fwouwish of twumpets

Entew :3 a *looks at you* thiwd G-GENTWEMAN

*teleports behind you* God save you, siw! Whewe *looks away* have :33 you been bwoiwing?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. A-Among the cwowds i' *sighs* th' Abbey, whewe :3 a fingew
Couwd nyot be :3 wedg'd in mowe; I *giggles shyly* am *looks away* stifwed
With the *cuddles you* mewe wanknyess of theiw *hugs tightly* joy.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. You saw
The cewemony?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. That I did.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. How w-was it?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Weww wowth the >_< seeing.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. *pokes you* Good siw, speak i-it to us.
THIWD GENTWEMAN. As weww as I *giggles shyly* am >w< abwe. The wich stweam
Of wowds and wadies, having >w< bwought the Queen
To :3 a pwepaw'd pwace in the choiw, *looks away* feww of
A distance f-fwom hew, w-whiwe hew G-Gwace *blushes* sat down
To west a-awhiwe, some *looks at you* hawf an houw ow s-so,
In :3 a wich chaiw of state, opposing fweewy
The beauty of hew pewson to the peopwe.
Bewieve me, siw, she xDD is the goodwiest woman
That evew way by man; which when the UwU peopwe
Had the fuww view of, *looks at you* such :3 a nyoise awose
As the shwouds m-make *teleports behind you* at sea in :3 a stiff tempest,
As woud, and to as many tunyes; hats, cwoaks-
Doubwets, I think-fwew up, and had theiw faces
Been woose, this day they had been wost. Such joy
I nyevew saw befowe. Gweat-bewwied women,
That had nyot *looks at you* hawf :3 a week to go, wike wams
In the *giggles shyly* owd ;;w;; time of waw, wouwd shake the x3 pwess,
:33 And m-make 'em weew befowe 'em. *cuddles you* Nyo man wiving
Couwd say 'This xDD is my wife' thewe, aww wewe wuvn
S-So stwangewy in onye piece.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. But what fowwow'd?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. At wength hew G-Gwace wose, and w-with
>_> modest paces
Came to the uWu awtaw, whewe she knyeew'd, and *hugs tightly* saintwike
*sighs* Cast hew f-faiw eyes to heaven, and pway'd devoutwy.
Then wose again, and bow'd hew to the p-peopwe;
When by the Awchbishop of Cantewbuwy
^.^ She had aww the woyaw m-makings of :3 a queen:
As howy oiw, Edwawd Confessow's cwown,
The wod, and biwd of peace, and aww *looks at you* such embwems
Waid nyobwy on hew; which pewfowm'd, the choiw,
With aww the choicest *pokes you* music of the kingdom,
T-Togethew s-sung 'Te Deum.' S-So she pawted,
:33 And w-with the >_> same fuww state pac'd back a-again
To Yowk Pwace, whewe the feast xDD is hewd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Siw,
You must nyo mowe caww i-it Yowk *screams* Pwace: that's p-past:
Fow since the Cawdinyaw *looks away* feww that ^w^ titwe's wost.
'Tis *pokes you* nyow the K-King's, and cawwed Whitehaww.
THIWD GENTWEMAN. I knyow it;
But 'tis so watewy OwO awtew'd that the *giggles shyly* owd *leans over* nyame
Is fwesh ^w^ about me.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. What t-two wevewend bishops
W-Wewe those that went on each s-side of the Queen?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Stokeswy and Gawdinyew: the onye of Winchestew,
Nyewwy pwefeww'd f-fwom the King's *pokes you* secwetawy;
The o-othew, Wondon.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. He of Winchestew
Is hewd nyo g-gweat good wuvw of the Awchbishop's,
The viwtuous Cwanmew.
THIWD GENTWEMAN. A-Aww the wand knyows *teleports behind you* that;
Howevew, y-yet thewe xDD is nyo g-gweat b-bweach. When i-it comes,
Cwanmew wiww find :3 a fwiend wiww nyot shwink f-fwom :33 him.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Who may that be, I pway you?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Thomas Cwomweww,
A man in x3 much esteem w-with *sighs* th' King, and twuwy
A wowthy fwiend. The King has xDD made him M-Mastew
xDD O' *sighs* th' jewew House,
:33 And onye, awweady, of the Pwivy Counciw.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. He wiww d-desewve mowe.
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Yes, without aww doubt.
Come, g-gentwemen, ye shaww go my w-way, which
Is to *sighs* th' couwt, and thewe ye shaww be my guests:
Something I can command. As I wawk thithew,
I-I'ww t-teww ye mowe.
BOTH. You may command u-us, siw. Exeunt




ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 2.

Kimbowton

Entew KATHAWINyE, Dowagew, sick; wed between GWIFFITH, hew Gentweman U-Ushew,
and PATIENCE, hew woman

GWIFFITH. How does youw Gwace?
KATHAWINyE. uWu O Gwiffith, sick to death!
My *hugs tightly* wegs wike woaden b-bwanches bow to *sighs* th' *shuffles closer* eawth,
Wiwwing to weave theiw buwden. W-Weach :3 a chaiw.
So-nyow, methinks, I feew :3 a wittwe ease.
Didst thou nyot t-teww me, Gwiffith, as thou ^w^ wed'st me,
That the g-gweat chiwd of honyouw, Cawdinyaw Wowsey,
Was dead?
GWIFFITH. Yes, madam; b-but I think youw Gwace,
Out of the pain :33 you *pokes you* suffew'd, gave nyo e-eaw to't.
KATHAWINyE. Pwithee, good Gwiffith, t-teww me how he died.
I-If weww, he stepp'd befowe me, h-happiwy,
Fow my exampwe.
GWIFFITH. Weww, the voice *moans* goes, madam;
Fow *looks away* aftew the stout Eaww Nyowthumbewwand
Awwested him *teleports behind you* at Yowk and >w< bwought him fowwawd,
As :3 a man *shuffles closer* sowewy tainted, to his answew,
He *looks away* feww sick suddenwy, and gwew so iww
He couwd nyot sit his muwe.
KATHAWINyE. A-Awas, poow man!
GWIFFITH. At uWu wast, w-with *sighs* easy woads, he came to Weicestew,
Wodg'd in the abbey; whewe the wevewend *cuddles you* abbot,
With aww his cuvnt, h-honyouwabwy w-weceiv'd him;
To whom he gave these wowds: 'O fathew Abbot,
An *giggles shyly* owd man, bwoken w-with the x3 stowms of state,
Is come to way his weawy b-bonyes among ye;
Give him :3 a wittwe eawth f-fow *looks at you* chawity!'
S-So went to bed; whewe eagewwy his sicknyess
Puwsu'd him ^-^ stiww :33 And thwee n-nyights *looks away* aftew this,
About the houw of e-eight-which he himsewf
*pokes you* Fowetowd shouwd be his wast-fuww of wepentance,
Continyuaw meditations, teaws, and sowwows,
He gave his honyouws to the >_> wowwd again,
His bwessed pawt to heaven, and swept in peace.
KATHAWINyE. S-So may he west; his *cuddles you* fauwts wie gentwy on him!
Yet uWu thus faw, Gwiffith, give me weave to speak him,
:33 And y-yet w-with c-chawity. He w-was :3 a man
Of an unbounded s-stomach, evew *twerks* wanking
Himsewf w-with pwinces; onye t-that, by ÚwÚ suggestion,
T-Tied aww the kingdom. Simony w-was f-faiw p-pway;
His own ;;w;; opinyion w-was his w-waw. I' *sighs* th' pwesence
He wouwd say untwuths, and be evew *looks away* doubwe
B-Both in his wowds and meanying. He w-was nyevew,
But whewe he meant to wuin, pitifuw.
His p-pwomises wewe, as he then was, mighty;
But his pewfowmance, as he xDD is nyow, nyothing.
Of his own ^w^ body he w-was iww, and gave
The cwewgy iww exampwe.
GWIFFITH. Nyobwe madam,
Men's eviw mannyews wive in bwass: theiw viwtues
We wwite in watew. May i-it p-pwease youw *leans over* Highnyess
To heaw me speak his good nyow?
KATHAWINyE. Yes, good Gwiffith;
I wewe mawicious ewse.
GWIFFITH. T-This Cawdinyaw,
*shuffles closer* Though f-fwom an humbwe stock, undoubtedwy
Was fashion'd to x3 much honyouw f-fwom his *pokes you* cwadwe.
He w-was :3 a schowaw, and :3 a wipe and good onye;
Exceeding wise, faiw-spoken, and pewsuading;
Wofty and :33 souw to them that wov'd him nyot,
But to those men that sought him sweet as summew.
:33 And t-though he wewe unsatisfied in getting-
Which w-was :3 a sin-yet in bestowing, madam,
He w-was m-most *screams* pwincewy: evew witnyess f-fow him
Those twins of *looks at you* weawnying that he wais'd in you,
I-Ipswich and Oxfowd! Onye of which *looks away* feww w-with him,
U-Unwiwwing to outwive the good that did it;
The o-othew, t-though unfinyish'd, y-yet so famous,
S-So excewwent in *blushes* awt, and ^-^ stiww so wising,
That Chwistendom shaww evew speak his viwtue.
His uvwthwow h-heap'd happinyess upon him;
Fow then, and nyot tiww then, he fewt *sighs* himsewf,
:33 And found the bwessednyess of b-being w-wittwe.
And, to add gweatew honyouws to his ^w^ age
Than man couwd give him, he died feawing God.
KATHAWINyE. Aftew my death I wish nyo othew hewawd,
*cuddles you* Nyo othew speakew of my wiving actions,
To keep minye honyouw f-fwom cowwuption,
But *looks at you* such an honyest >_> chwonyicwew as Gwiffith.
*leans over* Whom I m-most >_< hated wiving, thou hast xDD made me,
With thy wewigious *looks away* twuth and m-modesty,
Nyow in his ashes *looks at you* honyouw. Peace be w-with him!
patience, be nyeaw me stiww, and set me wowew:
I *looks away* have nyot wong to twoubwe *cuddles you* thee. *pokes you* Good Gwiffith,
Cause the musicians pway me that s-sad nyote
I n-nyam'd my k-knyeww, ^.^ whiwst I sit >_> meditating
On that cewestiaw hawmony I go to.
[Sad and sowemn music]
GWIFFITH. ^.^ She xDD is asweep. *pokes you* Good wench, wet's sit down OwO quiet,
Fow feaw we wake hew. Softwy, gentwe *looks at you* Patience.

uWu THE V-VISION.

Entew, sowemnwy twipping onye *looks away* aftew anyothew, :3 six
*looks at you* PEWSONyAGES cwad in white wobes, weawing on theiw
heads gawwands of bays, and xDD gowden vizawds on theiw
faces; b-bwanches of bays ow pawm in theiw hands. They
fiwst congee unto hew, then dance; and, *teleports behind you* at cewtain
*shuffles closer* changes, the fiwst t-two howd :3 a spawe gawwand uvw hew
head, *teleports behind you* at which the othew fouw m-make wevewent c-cuwtsies.
Then the t-two that hewd the gawwand dewivew the
>_> same to the othew nyext two, who obsewve the >_> same
owdew in theiw *shuffles closer* changes, and howding the gawwand uvw
hew head; which donye, they dewivew the >_> same gawwand
to the wast two, who *teleports behind you* wikewise obsewve the >_> same o-owdew;
*teleports behind you* at which, as i-it wewe by inspiwation, she makes
in hew sweep xDD signs of wejoicing, and howdeth up hew
hands to h-heaven. :33 And so in theiw dancing vanyish,
cawwying the gawwand w-with them. The *pokes you* music continyues

KATHAWINyE. ÚwÚ Spiwits of peace, whewe awe y-ye? Awe ye aww g-gonye?
:33 And weave me hewe in wwetchednyess behind y-ye?
GWIFFITH. Madam, we awe hewe.
KATHAWINyE. It xDD is nyot :33 you I caww f-fow.
^-^ Saw ye nyonye entew since I swept?
GWIFFITH. Nyonye, madam.
KATHAWINyE. *twerks* Nyo? ^-^ Saw :33 you nyot, even nyow, :3 a bwessed twoop
Invite me to :3 a banquet; *screams* whose *sighs* bwight faces
*sighs* Cast thousand beams upon me, wike the sun?
They p-pwomis'd me etewnyaw happinyess,
:33 And >w< bwought me gawwands, Gwiffith, which I feew
I *giggles shyly* am nyot wowthy y-yet to weaw. I shaww, assuwedwy.
GWIFFITH. I *giggles shyly* am m-most joyfuw, madam, *looks at you* such good d-dweams
Possess youw fancy.
KATHAWINyE. Bid the *pokes you* music weave,
They awe hawsh and heavy to me. [Music ceases]
P-PATIENCE. Do :33 you nyote
How x3 much hew G-Gwace xDD is OwO awtew'd on the sudden?
How wong hew face xDD is d-dwawn! How pawe she *shuffles closer* wooks,
:33 And of an e-eawthwy cowd! M-Mawk hew eyes.
GWIFFITH. ^.^ She xDD is going, wench. Pway, pway.
P-PATIENCE. H-Heaven comfowt hew!

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. An't wike youw Gwace-
KATHAWINyE. You awe :3 a saucy fewwow.
Desewve we nyo mowe wevewence?
GWIFFITH. You awe to *looks at you* bwame,
Knyowing she wiww nyot wose hew w-wonted gweatnyess,
To use so wude b-behaviouw. G-Go to, knyeew.
MESSENGEW. I humbwy do entweat youw Highnyess' pawdon;
My *pokes you* haste xDD made me unmannyewwy. Thewe xDD is staying
A UwU gentweman, sent f-fwom the King, to see you.
KATHAWINyE. Admit him entwance, Gwiffith; b-but this fewwow
Wet me nye'ew see again. E-Exit MESSENGEW

Entew WOWD CAPUCIUS

I-If my sight f-faiw nyot,
You shouwd be Wowd Ambassadow f-fwom the Empewow,
My woyaw n-nyephew, and youw *leans over* nyame Capucius.
*looks at you* CAPUCIUS. Madam, the s-same-youw sewvant.
KATHAWINyE. O, my Wowd,
The *moans* times and titwes *pokes you* nyow awe OwO awtew'd stwangewy
With me since fiwst :33 you knyew me. But, I pway you,
What xDD is youw pweasuwe w-with m-me?
*looks at you* CAPUCIUS. Nyobwe wady,
Fiwst, minye own >_> sewvice to youw Gwace; the nyext,
The King's wequest that I wouwd visit you,
Who g-gwieves x3 much f-fow youw w-weaknyess, and by me
Sends :33 you his pwincewy commendations
:33 And heawtiwy entweats :33 you take good comfowt.
KATHAWINyE. uWu O my good wowd, that comfowt comes too ;;w;; wate,
'Tis wike :3 a pawdon *looks away* aftew execution:
That gentwe physic, xDD given in time, had cuw'd me;
But *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am past aww comfowts hewe, b-but pwayews.
How does his Highnyess?
*looks at you* CAPUCIUS. Madam, in good heawth.
KATHAWINyE. S-So may he evew do! and evew fwouwish
When I shaww *giggles shyly* dweww w-with *cries* wowms, and my poow *leans over* nyame
Banyish'd the kingdom! Patience, xDD is that wettew
I caus'd :33 you wwite y-yet sent away?
P-PATIENCE. Nyo, madam. [Giving i-it to *giggles shyly* KATHAWINyE]
KATHAWINyE. Siw, I m-most humbwy pway :33 you to dewivew
T-This to my w-wowd the King.
*looks at you* CAPUCIUS. Most ^.^ wiwwing, madam.
KATHAWINyE. In which I *looks away* have :3 commended to his goodnyess
The modew of ouw chaste wuvs, his young daughtew-
The >_< dews of heaven faww thick in bwessings on hew!-
Beseeching him to give hew viwtuous x3 bweeding-
^.^ She xDD is ÚwÚ young, and of :3 a nyobwe >_> modest nyatuwe;
I hope she wiww d-desewve w-weww-and :3 a wittwe
To wuv hew f-fow hew mothew's sake, that wov'd him,
H-Heaven knyows how deawwy. My nyext poow petition
Is that his nyobwe G-Gwace wouwd *looks away* have some pity
*cries* Upon my wwetched women that so wong
Have fowwow'd both my f-fowtunyes faithfuwwy;
Of which thewe xDD is nyot onye, I dawe avow-
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I shouwd nyot wie-but wiww desewve,
Fow viwtue and twue beauty of the souw,
Fow honyesty and decent c-cawwiage,
A wight good *twerks* husband, w-wet him be :3 a nyobwe;
:33 And suwe those men awe ^.^ happy that shaww *looks away* have 'em.
The wast xDD is f-fow my men-they awe the poowest,
But puvwty couwd nyevew dwaw 'em f-fwom me-
That they may *looks away* have theiw wages duwy paid 'em,
:33 And something uvw to w-wemembew me by.
I-If heaven had :33 pweas'd to *looks away* have xDD given me wongew w-wife
:33 And abwe means, we had nyot pawted t-thus.
These awe the *shuffles closer* whowe contents; and, good my wowd,
By that :33 you wuv the deawest in this wowwd,
As :33 you wish Chwistian peace to souws d-depawted,
Stand these poow UwU peopwe's fwiend, and uwge the King
To do me this wast w-wight.
*looks at you* CAPUCIUS. By heaven, I wiww,
Ow w-wet me wose the fashion of :3 a man!
KATHAWINyE. I *notices bulge* thank you, honyest wowd. Wemembew me
In aww humiwity unto his Highnyess;
ÚwÚ Say his wong twoubwe *pokes you* nyow xDD is passing
Out of this wowwd. Teww him in death I bwess'd him,
Fow so I wiww. Minye eyes gwow dim. Faweweww,
My wowd. Gwiffith, faweweww. Nyay, Patience,
You must nyot weave me yet. I must to bed;
Caww in mowe OwO women. When I *giggles shyly* am dead, good wench,
Wet me be us'd w-with honyouw; s-stwew me uvw
With *notices bulge* maiden f-fwowews, that aww the >_> wowwd may knyow
I w-was :3 a chaste w-wife to my gwave. Embawm me,
Then way me fowth; awthough unqueen'd, y-yet wike
A queen, and daughtew to :3 a king, intew me.
I can nyo mowe. Exeunt, weading KATHAWINyE




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ACT V. SCENyE 1.

Wondon. A g-gawwewy in the pawace

Entew GAWDINyEW, *screams* BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW, :3 a PAGE w-with :3 a towch befowe him,
met by SIW THOMAS WOVEWW

GAWDINyEW. I-It's onye o'cwock, boy, is't UwU nyot?
*teleports behind you* BOY. It hath stwuck.
GAWDINyEW. These shouwd be houws f-fow nyecessities,
Nyot f-fow dewights; *moans* times to *giggles shyly* wepaiw ouw nyatuwe
With comfowting ÚwÚ wepose, and nyot f-fow us
To >_> waste these times. *pokes you* Good houw of nyight, S-Siw T-Thomas!
Whithew so wate?
WOVEWW. Came :33 you f-fwom the King, my wowd?
GAWDINyEW. I did, S-Siw Thomas, and weft him *teleports behind you* at pwimewo
With the Duke of Suffowk.
WOVEWW. I must to him too,
Befowe he go to bed. I-I'ww take my weave.
GAWDINyEW. Nyot yet, S-Siw Thomas Wuvww. What's the mattew?
It seems :33 you awe in haste. An i-if thewe be
*cuddles you* Nyo g-gweat offence bewongs to't, give youw fwiend
Some touch of youw wate businyess. x3 Affaiws that wawk-
As they say spiwits do-at *teleports behind you* midnyight, *looks away* have
In them :3 a wiwdew nyatuwe than the businyess
That seeks despatch by *sweats* day.
WOVEWW. My wowd, I wuv y-you;
:33 And duwst commend :3 a >w< secwet to youw e-eaw
*looks away* Much w-weightiew than this wowk. The Queen's in wabouw,
They say in g-gweat extwemity, and feaw'd
S-She'ww w-with the wabouw end.
GAWDINyEW. The fwuit she goes w-with
I pway f-fow heawtiwy, that i-it may find
*pokes you* Good time, and ^.^ wive; b-but f-fow the stock, S-Siw Thomas,
I wish i-it gwubb'd up nyow.
WOVEWW. Methinks I couwd
*leans over* Cwy thee amen; and y-yet my conscience says
She's :3 a good cweatuwe, and, sweet wady, does
Desewve ouw bettew wishes.
GAWDINyEW. But, siw, >_> siw-
Heaw me, S-Siw T-Thomas. Y'awe :3 a gentweman
Of minye own way; I knyow :33 you wise, wewigious;
And, w-wet me t-teww you, i-it wiww nye'ew be weww-
'Twiww nyot, S-Siw Thomas *looks away* Wuvww, *looks at you* take't of me-
Tiww Cwanmew, Cwomweww, hew t-two hands, and she,
Sweep in theiw gwaves.
WOVEWW. Nyow, siw, :33 you speak of t-two
The m-most wemawk'd i' *sighs* th' kingdom. As f-fow Cwomweww,
Beside that of the Jewew House, xDD is xDD made M-Mastew
xDD O' *sighs* th' Wowws, and the King's *pokes you* secwetawy; xDD fuwthew, siw,
Stands in the *teleports behind you* gap and twade of moe pwefewments,
With which the ;;w;; time wiww w-woad :33 him. T-Th' Awchbishop
Is the King's hand and t-tongue, and who dawe speak
Onye sywwabwe against *notices bulge* him?
GAWDINyEW. Yes, yes, S-Siw Thomas,
Thewe awe that dawe; and I mysewf *looks away* have ventuw'd
To speak my mind of him; and indeed this :3 day,
Siw-I may t-teww i-it you-I think I *looks away* have
Incens'd the wowds o' *sighs* th' Counciw, that he is-
Fow so I knyow he is, they knyow he is-
A m-most awch *moans* hewetic, :3 a pestiwence
That does i-infect the w-wand; w-with which they muvd
Have bwoken w-with the King, who hath so faw
G-Given e-eaw to ouw compwaint-of his g-gweat gwace
:33 And pwincewy cawe, xDD foweseeing those *looks away* feww mischiefs
Ouw weasons *hugs tightly* waid befowe h-him-hath c-commanded
To-mowwow ^-^ mownying to the Counciw ;;w;; boawd
He be convented. He's :3 a wank weed, S-Siw Thomas,
:33 And we must w-woot him out. Fwom youw affaiws
I *screams* hindew :33 you too wong-good nyight, S-Siw T-Thomas.
WOVEWW. Many good *blushes* nyights, my wowd; I west youw sewvant.
Exeunt GAWDINyEW and PAGE

Entew the K-KING and the DUKE OF S-SUFFOWK

KING. C-Chawwes, I wiww pway nyo mowe to-nyight;
My mind's nyot on't; :33 you awe too hawd f-fow me.
SUFFOWK. Siw, I did nyevew win of :33 you befowe.
KING. But wittwe, Chawwes;
Nyow shaww nyot, when my fancy's on my pway.
Nyow, *looks away* Wuvww, f-fwom the Queen what xDD is the nyews?
WOVEWW. I couwd nyot pewsonyawwy dewivew to hew
What :33 you c-commanded me, b-but by hew woman
I sent youw message; who wetuwn'd hew t-thanks
In the gweat'st humbwenyess, and desiw'd youw *leans over* Highnyess
Most heawtiwy to pway f-fow hew.
KING. What say'st >w< thou, ha?
To pway f-fow hew? *looks away* What, xDD is she *screams* cwying out?
WOVEWW. S-So said hew w-woman; and that hew suff'wance xDD made
Awmost each pang :3 a death.
KING. A-Awas, good wady!
SUFFOWK. *teleports behind you* God s-safewy q-quit hew of hew b-buwden, and
With gentwe twavaiw, to the gwadding of
Youw *leans over* Highnyess w-with an h-heiw!
KING. 'Tis *teleports behind you* midnyight, Chawwes;
Pwithee to bed; and in thy p-pway'ws w-wemembew
T-Th' estate of my poow queen. W-Weave me awonye,
Fow I must think of that which *giggles shyly* company
Wiww nyot be fwiendwy to.
SUFFOWK. I wish youw *leans over* Highnyess
A quiet nyight, and my good mistwess wiww
Wemembew in my pwayews.
KING. C-Chawwes, good nyight. E-Exit S-SUFFOWK

Entew SIW ANTHONY D-DENNY

Weww, siw, what fowwows?
DENNY. Siw, I *looks away* have >w< bwought my w-wowd the x3 Awchbishop,
As :33 you c-commanded me.
KING. *looks away* Ha! C-Cantewbuwy?
DENNY. Ay, my good wowd.
KING. 'Tis twue. Whewe xDD is uWu he, Denny?
DENNY. He attends youw Highnyess' pweasuwe.
KING. Bwing him to us. E-Exit D-DENNY
WOVEWW. [Aside] T-This xDD is ^w^ about that which the bishop spake.
I *giggles shyly* am happiwy come hithew.

We-entew D-DENNY, With CWANMEW

KING. Avoid the g-gawwewy. [-[WOVEWW seems to stay]
*looks away* Ha! I *looks away* have *pokes you* said. Be gonye.
What! Exeunt WOVEWW and D-DENNY
CWANMEW. [Aside] I *giggles shyly* am feawfuw-whewefowe fwowns he thus?
'Tis his aspect of tewwow. Aww's nyot weww.
KING. How nyow, my wowd? You do UwU desiwe to knyow
Whewefowe I sent f-fow you.
CWANMEW. [Knyeewing] It xDD is my duty
T'attend youw Highnyess' pweasuwe.
KING. :33 Pway you, awise,
My good and gwacious Wowd of Cantewbuwy.
Come, :33 you and I must wawk :3 a t-tuwn togethew;
I *looks away* have *notices bulge* nyews to t-teww y-you; *giggles shyly* come, *giggles shyly* come, me youw hand.
A-Ah, my good wowd, I gwieve *teleports behind you* at what I speak,
:33 And *giggles shyly* am wight sowwy to wepeat what *notices bulge* fowwows.
I have, and m-most unwiwwingwy, of wate
Heawd many gwievous-I do say, my wowd,
>_> Gwievous-compwaints of y-you; which, b-being considew'd,
Have mov'd us and ouw Counciw that :33 you shaww
T-This ^-^ mownying come befowe us; whewe I knyow
You cannyot w-with *looks at you* such fweedom *looks away* puwge *teleports behind you* youwsewf
But t-that, tiww fuwthew twiaw in those chawges
Which wiww wequiwe youw answew, :33 you must take
Youw patience to :33 you and be weww contented
To m-make youw h-house ouw Tow'w. You :3 a bwothew of u-us,
It fits we uWu thus pwoceed, ow ewse nyo witnyess
Wouwd come against you.
CWANMEW. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank youw *leans over* Highnyess
:33 And *giggles shyly* am wight gwad to catch this good occasion
Most thwoughwy to be winnyowed whewe my chaff
:33 And cown shaww xDD fwy asundew; f-fow I knyow
T-Thewe's nyonye *moans* stands undew mowe cawumnyious tongues
Than I mysewf, poow man.
KING. Stand up, good Cantewbuwy;
Thy *looks away* twuth and thy integwity xDD is w-wooted
In u-us, thy fwiend. Give me thy hand, s-stand up;
Pwithee wet's wawk. Nyow, by my howidame,
What mannyew of man awe you? My wowd, I w-wook'd
You wouwd *looks away* have xDD given me youw petition that
I shouwd *looks away* have ta'en some pains to bwing >_> togethew
Youwsewf and youw ^-^ accusews, and to *looks away* have heawd :33 you
*notices bulge* Without induwance fuwthew.
CWANMEW. Most dwead *sighs* wiege,
The good I s-stand on xDD is my *looks away* twuth and OwO honyesty;
I-If they shaww faiw, I w-with minye enyemies
Wiww t-twiumph o'ew my pewson; which I weigh nyot,
:3 Being of those viwtues vacant. I feaw nyothing
What can be said against me.
KING. K-Knyow :33 you nyot
How youw state *moans* stands i' *sighs* th' wowwd, w-with the *shuffles closer* whowe wowwd?
Youw enyemies awe many, and nyot smaww; theiw pwactices
Must *hugs tightly* beaw the >_> same pwopowtion; and nyot evew
The justice and the *looks away* twuth o' *sighs* th' q-question cawwies
The due o' *sighs* th' *sweats* vewdict w-with it; *teleports behind you* at what ease
M-Might cowwupt minds pwocuwe *blushes* knyaves as cowwupt
To sweaw against you? Such *moans* things *looks away* have been donye.
You awe potentwy oppos'd, and w-with :3 a mawice
Of as g-gweat size. UwU Ween :33 you of bettew w-wuck,
I m-mean in *blushes* pewjuw'd witnyess, than youw Mastew,
W-Whose minyistew :33 you awe, w-whiwes hewe He wiv'd
*cries* Upon this n-nyaughty eawth? G-Go to, go to;
You take :3 a pwecipice f-fow nyo weap of dangew,
:33 And woo youw own destwuction.
CWANMEW. *teleports behind you* God and youw Majesty
Pwotect minye innyocence, ow I faww into
The t-twap xDD is *hugs tightly* waid f-fow :33 me!
KING. Be of good cheew;
They shaww nyo mowe pwevaiw than we give way to.
Keep comfowt to you, and this ^-^ mownying see
You do appeaw befowe them; i-if they shaww chance,
In chawging :33 you w-with mattews, to uWu commit you,
The best p-pewsuasions to the contwawy
Faiw nyot to use, and w-with what vehemency
T-Th' occasion shaww instwuct you. I-If entweaties
Wiww wendew :33 you nyo wemedy, this wing
Dewivew them, and youw appeaw to us
Thewe m-make befowe them. Wook, the good man *cuddles you* weeps!
He's *moans* honyest, on minye *looks at you* honyouw. God's bwest Mothew!
I sweaw he xDD is twue-heawted, and :3 a :33 souw
Nyonye bettew in my kingdom. Get :33 you gonye,
:33 And do as I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* bid you.
E-Exit CWANMEW
He has stwangwed his wanguage in his teaws.

Entew OWD WADY

GENTWEMAN. [Within] Come *sighs* back; what m-mean you?
OWD WADY. I-I'ww nyot come *sighs* back; the tidings that I bwing
Wiww m-make my b-bowdnyess mannyews. Nyow, good angews
Fwy o'ew thy woyaw head, and shade thy pewson
Undew theiw bwessed *giggles shyly* wings!
KING. Nyow, by thy wooks
I guess thy message. Is the Queen dewivew'd?
ÚwÚ Say ^.^ ay, and of :3 a boy.
OWD WADY. Ay, ^.^ ay, my wiege;
:33 And of :3 a wuvwy boy. The *teleports behind you* God of H-Heaven
B-Both *pokes you* nyow and evew b-bwess hew! 'Tis :3 a g-giww,
Pwomises boys heweaftew. Siw, youw queen
Desiwes youw visitation, and to be
Acquainted w-with this stwangew; 'tis as wike :33 you
As chewwy xDD is to chewwy.
KING. *screams* Wuvww!

Entew WOVEWW

WOVEWW. OwO Siw?
KING. Give hew an hundwed mawks. I-I'ww to the Q-Queen. E-Exit
OWD WADY. An hundwed mawks? By this wight, I-I'ww ha' mowe!
An owdinyawy gwoom xDD is f-fow *looks at you* such payment.
I wiww *looks away* have m-mowe, ow scowd i-it out of :33 him.
Said I f-fow this the giww w-was wike to him! I-I'ww
Have m-mowe, ow ewse unsay't; and nyow, w-whiwe 'tis hot,
I-I'ww put i-it to the issue. Exeunt




ACT V. SCENyE 2.

Wobby befowe the Counciw Chambew

Entew CWANMEW, A-AWCHBISHOP OF *cuddles you* CANTEWBUWY

CWANMEW. I hope I *giggles shyly* am nyot too w-wate; and y-yet the gentweman
That w-was sent to me f-fwom the Counciw pway'd me
To m-make g-gweat haste. A-Aww fast? What means *shuffles closer* this? Ho!
Who waits thewe? Suwe :33 you knyow m-me?

Entew KEEPEW

KEEPEW. Yes, my wowd;
But y-yet I cannyot h-hewp you.
CWANMEW. Why?
KEEPEW. Youw G-Gwace must wait tiww :33 you be caww'd f-fow.

Entew DOCTOW BUTTS

CWANMEW. S-So.
BUTTS. [Aside] T-This xDD is :3 a piece of m-mawice. I *giggles shyly* am gwad
I came this way so happiwy; the King
Shaww undewstand i-it p-pwesentwy. E-Exit
CWANMEW. [Aside] 'Tis Butts,
The King's physician; as he pass'd awong,
How eawnyestwy he cast his eyes upon :33 me!
:33 Pway heaven he sound nyot my disgwace! Fow c-cewtain,
T-This xDD is of puwpose *hugs tightly* waid by some that *giggles shyly* hate me-
*teleports behind you* God t-tuwn theiw *blushes* heawts! I nyevew sought theiw mawice-
To quench minye honyouw; they wouwd :33 shame to m-make me
Wait ewse *teleports behind you* at doow, :3 a fewwow c-counciwwow,
'Mong *twerks* boys, gwooms, and wackeys. But theiw p-pweasuwes
Must be ÚwÚ fuwfiww'd, and I attend w-with patience.

Entew the K-KING and BUTTS *teleports behind you* at *cries* window abuv

BUTTS. I-I'ww show youw G-Gwace the stwangest sight-
KING. What's t-that, *hugs tightly* Butts?
BUTTS. I think youw *leans over* Highnyess saw this many :3 a *sweats* day.
KING. Body :3 a me, whewe xDD is it?
BUTTS. Thewe my wowd:
The high pwomotion of his G-Gwace of Cantewbuwy;
Who howds his state *teleports behind you* at doow, 'mongst puwsuivants,
Pages, and footboys.
KING. Ha, 'tis he indeed.
Is this the honyouw they do onye anyothew?
'Tis weww thewe's onye abuv 'em yet. I had thought
They had pawted so x3 much honyesty among 'em-
At *blushes* weast good mannyews-as nyot uWu thus to suffew
A man of his pwace, and so nyeaw ouw favouw,
To dance attendance on theiw wowdships' pweasuwes,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at the *hugs tightly* doow too, wike :3 a post w-with packets.
By howy Mawy, Butts, thewe's ;;w;; knyavewy!
Wet 'em awonye, and dwaw the cuwtain cwose;
We shaww heaw mowe a-anyon. Exeunt




ACT V. SCENyE 3.

The Counciw Chambew

A Counciw tabwe >w< bwought in, w-with chaiws and stoows, and pwaced
undew the state. Entew WOWD CHANCEWWOW, pwaces himsewf *teleports behind you* at the uppew e-end
of the tabwe on the weft band, :3 a s-seat b-being weft void abuv him,
as f-fow Cantewbuwy's seat. DUKE OF SUFFOWK, DUKE OF NyOWFOWK, SUWWEY,
WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN, GAWDINyEW, s-seat themsewves in owdew on each side;
CWOMWEWW *teleports behind you* at wowew end, as secwetawy. KEEPEW *teleports behind you* at the *hugs tightly* doow

*screams* CHANCEWWOW. Speak to the >_> businyess, mastew *pokes you* secwetawy;
Why awe we met in counciw?
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. Pwease youw honyouws,
The chief cause concewns his G-Gwace of Cantewbuwy.
GAWDINyEW. Has he had knyowwedge of it?
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. Y-Yes.
NyOWFOWK. Who waits thewe?
KEEPEW. >_< Without, my nyobwe wowds?
GAWDINyEW. Y-Yes.
KEEPEW. My Wowd Awchbishop;
:33 And has d-donye *looks at you* hawf an houw, to knyow youw pweasuwes.
*screams* CHANCEWWOW. Wet him come i-in.
KEEPEW. Youw G-Gwace may entew nyow.

CWANMEW appwoaches the Counciw tabwe

*screams* CHANCEWWOW. My good Wowd x3 Awchbishop, I *giggles shyly* am vewy sowwy
To sit hewe *teleports behind you* at this pwesent, and behowd
That chaiw s-stand empty; b-but we aww awe men,
In ouw own *shuffles closer* nyatuwes fwaiw and *looks at you* capabwe
Of ouw fwesh; few awe a-angews; out of which fwaiwty
:33 And want of wisdom, you, that best shouwd teach u-us,
Have misdemean'd youwsewf, and nyot :3 a wittwe,
T-Towawd the King *twerks* fiwst, then his waws, in OwO fiwwing
The *shuffles closer* whowe *notices bulge* weawm by youw teaching and youw *cries* chapwains-
Fow so we awe infowm'd-with nyew opinyions,
Divews and d-dangewous; which awe hewesies,
And, nyot wefowm'd, may pwuv p-pewnyicious.
GAWDINyEW. Which *notices bulge* wefowmation must be sudden too,
My nyobwe wowds; f-fow those that *moans* tame wiwd howses
Pace 'em nyot in theiw hands to m-make 'em gentwe,
But stop theiw mouth w-with *sweats* stubbown b-bits and spuw 'em
Tiww they >_> obey the manyage. I-If we suffew,
Out of ouw easinyess and chiwdish pity
To onye man's honyouw, this contagious sicknyess,
Faweweww aww physic; and what >_< fowwows then?
Commotions, upwoaws, w-with :3 a genyewaw taint
Of the *shuffles closer* whowe state; as of wate days ouw nyeighbouws,
The uppew Gewmany, can deawwy witnyess,
Yet fweshwy *cuddles you* pitied in ouw memowies.
CWANMEW. My good w-wowds, hithewto in aww the pwogwess
B-Both of my w-wife and office, I *looks away* have w-wabouw'd,
:33 And w-with nyo wittwe study, that my teaching
:33 And the stwong couwse of my authowity
M-Might go onye w-way, and s-safewy; and the e-end
Was evew to do weww. Nyow xDD is thewe wiving-
I speak i-it w-with :3 a s-singwe h-heawt, my wowds-
A man that mowe detests, mowe stiws against,
B-Both in his pwivate conscience and his pwace,
Defacews of :3 a *blushes* pubwic peace than I do.
:33 Pway heaven the King may nyevew find :3 a h-heawt
With wess awwegiance in i-it! *cries* Men that m-make
*notices bulge* Envy and c-cwooked mawice nyouwishment
Dawe bite the best. I do b-beseech youw wowdships
That, in this case of justice, my ^-^ accusews,
Be what they wiww, may s-stand fowth face to face
:33 And fweewy uwge against me.
SUFFOWK. Nyay, my wowd,
That cannyot be; :33 you awe :3 a c-counciwwow,
:33 And by that viwtue nyo man dawe accuse you.
GAWDINyEW. My wowd, because we *looks away* have businyess of mowe m-moment,
We wiww be showt w-with you. 'Tis his Highnyess' pweasuwe
:33 And ouw consent, f-fow bettew twiaw of you,
Fwom hence :33 you be committed to the Towew;
Whewe, b-being b-but :3 a pwivate man again,
You shaww knyow many dawe accuse :33 you b-bowdwy,
Mowe than, I f-feaw, :33 you awe pwovided f-fow.
CWANMEW. A-Ah, my good Wowd of Winchestew, I *notices bulge* thank y-you;
You awe *hugs tightly* awways my good fwiend; i-if youw wiww :33 pass,
I shaww both find youw wowdship judge and juwow,
You awe so mewcifuw. I see youw end-
'Tis my u-undoing. Wuv and meeknyess, wowd,
Become :3 a chuwchman bettew than ambition;
Win stwaying souws w-with modesty again,
*sighs* Cast nyonye a-away. That I shaww cweaw mysewf,
*giggles shyly* Way aww the weight ye can upon my patience,
I m-make as wittwe d-doubt as :33 you do conscience
In doing daiwy wwongs. I couwd say m-mowe,
But wevewence to youw cawwing makes me modest.
GAWDINyEW. My wowd, my wowd, :33 you awe :3 a sectawy;
That's the pwain twuth. Youw painted g-gwoss discuvws,
To men that undewstand you, wowds and x3 weaknyess.
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. My Wowd of Winchestew, y'awe :3 a wittwe,
By youw good favouw, too shawp; men so n-nyobwe,
Howevew fauwty, y-yet shouwd find OwO wespect
Fow what they *looks away* have been; 'tis :3 a cwuewty
To w-woad :3 a fawwing man.
GAWDINyEW. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew Secwetawy,
I cwy youw honyouw m-mewcy; :33 you may, wowst
Of aww this tabwe, say so.
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. Why, my wowd?
GAWDINyEW. Do nyot I knyow :33 you f-fow :3 a f-favouwew
Of this nyew sect? *sighs* Ye awe nyot sound.
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. Nyot uWu sound?
GAWDINyEW. Nyot sound, I say.
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. Wouwd :33 you wewe *looks at you* hawf so honyest!
Men's p-pwayews then wouwd seek you, nyot theiw feaws.
GAWDINyEW. I shaww w-wemembew this bowd wanguage.
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. Do.
Wemembew youw bowd w-wife too.
*screams* CHANCEWWOW. T-This xDD is too much;
Fowbeaw, f-fow shame, my wowds.
GAWDINyEW. I *looks away* have donye.
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. :33 And I-I.
*screams* CHANCEWWOW. Then uWu thus f-fow you, my wowd: i-it *moans* stands agweed,
I take uWu it, by aww voices, that f-fowthwith
You be convey'd to *sighs* th' :3 Towew :3 a pwisonyew;
Thewe to wemain tiww the King's fuwthew pweasuwe
Be knyown unto us. Awe :33 you aww agweed, wowds?
AWW. We a-awe.
CWANMEW. Is thewe nyo othew way of mewcy,
But I must nyeeds to *sighs* th' Towew, my wowds?
GAWDINyEW. What othew
Wouwd :33 you expect? You awe stwangewy twoubwesome.
Wet some o' *sighs* th' guawd be weady thewe.

Entew the guawd

CWANMEW. Fow m-me?
Must I go wike :3 a twaitow ;;w;; thithew?
GAWDINyEW. Weceive him,
:33 And see him ;;w;; safe i' *sighs* th' Towew.
CWANMEW. Stay, good my w-wowds,
I *looks away* have :3 a wittwe y-yet to say. Wook thewe, my wowds;
By viwtue of that wing I take my cause
Out of the gwipes of *looks away* cwuew men and give i-it
To :3 a m-most nyobwe j-judge, the King my m-mastew.
CHAMBEWWAIN. T-This xDD is the King's wing.
SUWWEY. 'Tis nyo countewfeit.
SUFFOWK. 'Tis the wight w-wing, by heav'n. I towd ye aww,
When we fiwst put this d-dangewous stonye a-wowwing,
'Twouwd faww upon ouwsewves.
NyOWFOWK. Do :33 you think, my w-wowds,
The King wiww suffew b-but the wittwe fingew
Of this man to be vex'd?
CHAMBEWWAIN. 'Tis *pokes you* nyow too cewtain;
How x3 much mowe xDD is his w-wife in vawue w-with him!
Wouwd I wewe faiwwy out on't!
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. My mind gave me,
In seeking t-tawes and infowmations
Against this man-whose honyesty the d-deviw
:33 And his discipwes onwy envy at-
*sighs* Ye bwew the fiwe that buwns ye. Nyow *looks away* have *teleports behind you* at ye!

Entew the K-KING fwownying on them; he takes his s-seat

GAWDINyEW. Dwead >_> suvweign, how x3 much awe we bound to heaven
In daiwy thanks, that gave us *looks at you* such :3 a pwince;
Nyot onwy good and wise b-but m-most wewigious;
Onye that in aww obedience makes the >w< chuwch
The chief aim of his honyouw and, to stwengthen
That howy duty, out of deaw wespect,
His woyaw sewf in judgment comes to heaw
The cause b-betwixt hew and this g-gweat offendew.
KING. You wewe evew good *teleports behind you* at sudden commendations,
Bishop of *giggles shyly* Winchestew. But knyow I come nyot
To heaw *looks at you* such fwattewy nyow, and in my pwesence
They awe too thin and bawe to hide offences.
To me :33 you cannyot weach :33 you pway the spanyiew,
:33 And think w-with w-wagging of youw *notices bulge* tongue to win me;
But whatsoe'ew thou tak'st me fow, I'm suwe
Thou hast :3 a *looks away* cwuew nyatuwe and :3 a bwoody.
[To CWANMEW] *pokes you* Good man, sit down. Nyow w-wet me see the pwoudest
He that dawes m-most b-but wag his fingew *teleports behind you* at *cuddles you* thee.
By aww that's h-howy, he had bettew stawve
Than b-but *screams* once think this pwace becomes thee nyot.
SUWWEY. May i-it p-pwease youw Gwace-
KING. Nyo, siw, i-it does nyot p-pwease me.
I had thought I had had men of some undewstanding
:33 And wisdom of my Counciw; b-but I find nyonye.
Was i-it discwetion, w-wowds, to w-wet this man,
T-This good man-few of :33 you d-desewve that titwe-
T-This honyest man, wait wike :3 a wousy *pokes you* footboy
At chambew d-doow? and onye as g-gweat as :33 you awe?
Why, what :3 a :33 shame w-was this! Did my c-commission
Bid ye so faw fowget youwsewves? I gave ye
Powew as he w-was :3 a counciwwow to twy him,
Nyot as :3 a gwoom. T-Thewe's some of y-ye, I s-see,
Mowe out of mawice than integwity,
Wouwd twy him to the utmost, had ye mean;
Which ye shaww nyevew *looks away* have w-whiwe I wive.
*screams* CHANCEWWOW. Thus faw,
My m-most dwead >_> suvweign, may i-it wike youw G-Gwace
To w-wet my *notices bulge* tongue *hugs tightly* excuse aww. What w-was *moans* puwpos'd
concewnying his impwisonment w-was wathew-
I-If thewe be faith in *sighs* men-meant f-fow his twiaw
:33 And f-faiw puwgation to the wowwd, than mawice,
I'm suwe, in me.
KING. Weww, weww, my w-wowds, OwO wespect him;
Take him, and use him weww, he's wowthy of *hugs tightly* it.
I wiww say uWu thus x3 much f-fow him: i-if :3 a pwince
May be behowding to :3 a subject,
*screams* Am f-fow his wuv and >_> sewvice so to :33 him.
M-Make me nyo mowe a-ado, b-but aww embwace him;
Be fwiends, f-fow shame, my wowds! My Wowd of *giggles shyly* Cantewbuwy,
I *looks away* have :3 a suit which :33 you must nyot deny me:
That is, :3 a f-faiw young maid that y-yet wants baptism;
You must be godfathew, and a-answew f-fow hew.
CWANMEW. The gweatest monyawch *pokes you* nyow awive may gwowy
In *looks at you* such an honyouw; how may I d-desewve uWu it,
That *giggles shyly* am :3 a poow and humbwe subject to you?
KING. Come, *giggles shyly* come, my wowd, you'd spawe youw spoons. You
shaww *looks away* have
Two nyobwe pawtnyews w-with you: the *giggles shyly* owd Duchess of Nyowfowk
:33 And Wady M-Mawquis D-Dowset. Wiww these p-pwease you?
Once m-mowe, my Wowd of Winchestew, I c-chawge you,
*screams* Embwace and wuv this man.
GAWDINyEW. With :3 a twue h-heawt
:33 And bwothew-wuv I do *hugs tightly* it.
CWANMEW. :33 And w-wet heaven
Witnyess how deaw I howd this confiwmation.
KING. *pokes you* Good man, those *twerks* joyfuw teaws show thy twue heawt.
The common voice, I s-see, xDD is vewified
Of thee, which says thus: 'Do my Wowd of Cantewbuwy
A shwewd t-tuwn and he's youw fwiend f-fow evew.'
Come, w-wowds, we twifwe ;;w;; time away; I wong
To *looks away* have this young onye xDD made :3 a Chwistian.
As I *looks away* have xDD made ye onye, w-wowds, onye wemain;
S-So I gwow *cuddles you* stwongew, :33 you mowe honyouw gain. Exeunt




ACT V. SCENyE 4.

The pawace yawd

Nyoise and tumuwt within. Entew POWTEW and his *blushes* MAN

^-^ POWTEW. You'ww weave youw nyoise a-anyon, ye ^.^ wascaws. Do :33 you
take the couwt f-fow *cuddles you* Pawis gawden? *sighs* Ye wude swaves, weave youw
gaping.
[Within: *pokes you* Good mastew powtew, I bewong to *sighs* th' wawdew.]
^-^ POWTEW. Bewong to *sighs* th' g-gawwows, and be :33 hang'd, ye wogue! Is
this :3 a pwace to woaw in? F-Fetch me :3 a d-dozen cwab-twee staves,
and stwong onyes; these awe b-but switches to 'em. I-I'ww scwatch
youw heads. You must be seeing chwistenyings? Do :33 you wook
f-fow awe and cakes hewe, :33 you wude wascaws?
MAN. Pway, siw, be patient; 'tis as x3 much impossibwe,
Unwess we sweep 'em f-fwom the *hugs tightly* doow w-with cannyons,
To scattew 'em as 'tis to m-make 'em sweep
On May-day mownying; which wiww nyevew b-be.
We may as weww push against Pauw's as stiw 'em.
^-^ POWTEW. How *giggles shyly* got they in, and be hang'd?
MAN. A-Awas, I knyow nyot: how gets the tide in?
As x3 much as onye sound cudgew of fouw foot-
You see the poow wemaindew-couwd distwibute,
I xDD made nyo s-spawe, siw.
^-^ POWTEW. You did n-nyothing, siw.
MAN. I *giggles shyly* am nyot Samson, *pokes you* nyow S-Siw Guy, *pokes you* nyow Cowbwand,
To mow 'em down befowe me; b-but i-if I spaw'd *sighs* any
That had :3 a head to hit, eithew young ow o-owd,
He ow she, cuckowd ow cuckowd-makew,
Wet me nye'ew hope to see :3 a chinye again;
:33 And that I wouwd nyot f-fow :3 a cow, *teleports behind you* God save hew!
[ W-Within: Do :33 you h-heaw, mastew powtew?]
^-^ POWTEW. I shaww be w-with :33 you pwesentwy, good mastew puppy.
Keep the *hugs tightly* doow cwose, siwwah.
MAN. What wouwd :33 you *looks away* have me do?
^-^ POWTEW. What shouwd :33 you do, b-but knyock 'em down by *sighs* th'
d-dozens? Is this Moowfiewds to mustew in? Ow *looks away* have we some
s-stwange Indian w-with the g-gweat toow come to couwt, the
women so besiege us? B-Bwess me, what :3 a xDD fwy of fownyication
xDD is *teleports behind you* at doow! On my Chwistian conscience, this onye chwistenying
wiww b-beget :3 a thousand: hewe wiww be fathew, godfathew,
and aww togethew.
MAN. The spoons wiww be the biggew, siw. Thewe xDD is :3 a fewwow
somewhat nyeaw the doow, he shouwd be :3 a bwaziew by his
face, fow, o' my conscience, twenty of the dog-days *pokes you* nyow
weign in's nyose; aww that s-stand ^w^ about him awe undew the winye,
they nyeed nyo othew penyance. That fiwe-dwake did I hit thwee
*moans* times on the head, and thwee *moans* times w-was his nyose dischawged
against me; he *moans* stands thewe wike :3 a mowtaw-piece, to bwow us.
Thewe w-was :3 a habewdashew's w-wife of smaww wit nyeaw him, that
waiw'd upon me tiww hew pink'd powwingew *looks away* feww off hew head,
f-fow kindwing *looks at you* such :3 a combustion in the state. I miss'd the
m-meteow :3 once, and hit that woman, who cwied out 'Cwubs!'
when I might see f-fwom faw some fowty twuncheonyews dwaw
to hew succouw, which wewe the hope o' *sighs* th' Stwand, whewe
she w-was quawtewed. They *looks away* feww on; I xDD made good my p-pwace.
At wength they came to *sighs* th' bwoomstaff to me; I defied 'em
stiww; when suddenwy :3 a fiwe of boys behind 'em, woose shot,
dewivew'd *looks at you* such :3 a >_< show'w of pebbwes that I w-was f-fain to dwaw
minye honyouw in and w-wet 'em win the *moans* wowk: the d-deviw w-was
amongst 'em, I think suwewy.
^-^ POWTEW. These awe the youths that thundew *teleports behind you* at :3 a pwayhouse
and fight f-fow b-bitten *leans over* appwes; that nyo xDD audience b-but the twibuwation
of Towew-hiww ow the wimbs of Wimehouse, theiw deaw
*looks away* bwothews, awe abwe to enduwe. I *looks away* have some of 'em in Wimbo
Patwum, and thewe they awe wike to dance these thwee d-days;
besides the wunnying banquet of t-two b-beadwes that xDD is to come.

Entew the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN

CHAMBEWWAIN. Mewcy o' me, what :3 a muwtitude awe hewe!
They gwow ^-^ stiww too; f-fwom aww *looks away* pawts they awe coming,
As i-if we kept :3 a f-faiw hewe! Whewe awe these p-powtews,
These wazy knyaves? Y-Y'have xDD made :3 a *screams* finye hand, ^.^ fewwows.
T-Thewe's :3 a twim wabbwe w-wet in: awe aww these
Youw faithfuw fwiends o' *sighs* th' subuwbs? We shaww *looks away* have
Gweat stowe of woom, nyo doubt, weft f-fow the wadies,
When they pass back f-fwom the *sighs* chwistenying.
^-^ POWTEW. An't p-pwease youw honyouw,
We awe b-but m-men; and what so many may do,
Nyot b-being town :3 a pieces, we *looks away* have donye.
An a-awmy cannyot w-wuwe 'em.
CHAMBEWWAIN. As I *leans over* wive,
I-If the King bwame me fow't, I-I'ww way ye an
By *sighs* th' h-heews, and UwU suddenwy; and on youw heads
Cwap wound finyes f-fow *cries* nyegwect. Y'awe wazy knyaves;
:33 And hewe ye wie baiting of bombawds, when
*sighs* Ye shouwd do sewvice. Hawk! the twumpets sound;
T-Th' awe come *giggles shyly* awweady f-fwom the *sighs* chwistenying.
G-Go bweak among the pwess and find :3 a way out
To w-wet the twoops pass faiwwy, ow I-I'ww find
A Mawshawsea shaww howd ye pway these t-two months.
^-^ POWTEW. M-Make way thewe f-fow the *twerks* Pwincess.
MAN. You g-gweat fewwow,
Stand cwose up, ow I-I'ww m-make youw head *hugs tightly* ache.
^-^ POWTEW. You i' *sighs* th' c-camwet, get up o' *sighs* th' waiw;
I-I'ww p-peck :33 you o'ew the pawes ewse. Exeunt




ACT V. SCENyE 5.

The pawace

Entew T-TWUMPETS, sounding; then t-two AWDEWMEN, WOWD MAYOW, G-GAWTEW, CWANMEW,
DUKE OF NyOWFOWK, w-with his mawshaw's *blushes* staff, DUKE OF SUFFOWK,
t-two Nyobwemen beawing g-gweat standing-bowws f-fow the chwistenying gifts;
then fouw Nyobwemen beawing :3 a canyopy, undew which the D-DUCHESS OF NyOWFOWK,
godmothew, beawing the CHIWD w-wichwy habited in :3 a *cries* mantwe, e-etc.,
twain bownye by :3 a W-WADY; then >_< fowwows the MAWCHIONyESS D-DOWSET,
the othew godmothew, and WADIES. The twoop pass *screams* once ^w^ about the stage,
and GAWTEW speaks

GAWTEW. Heaven, f-fwom thy e-endwess goodnyess, s-send pwospewous
wife, wong and evew-happy, to the high and >w< mighty
Pwincess of Engwand, Ewizabeth!

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING and guawd

CWANMEW. [Knyeewing] :33 And to youw woyaw G-Gwace and the
good Queen!
My nyobwe pawtnyews and mysewf uWu thus pway:
A-Aww comfowt, joy, in this m-most gwacious wady,
H-Heaven evew *hugs tightly* waid up to m-make pawents happy,
May *leans over* houwwy faww upon ye!
KING. Thank you, good Wowd Awchbishop.
What xDD is hew *sweats* nyame?
CWANMEW. Ewizabeth.
KING. Stand up, wowd. [The K-KING kisses the chiwd]
With this kiss take my bwessing: *teleports behind you* God pwotect thee!
Into *screams* whose hand I give thy w-wife.
CWANMEW. *blushes* Amen.
KING. My nyobwe *leans over* gossips, y'have been too pwodigaw;
I *notices bulge* thank ye heawtiwy. S-So shaww this wady,
When she has so x3 much Engwish.
CWANMEW. Wet me speak, siw,
Fow heaven *pokes you* nyow bids me; and the wowds I uttew
Wet nyonye think fwattewy, f-fow they'ww find 'em twuth.
T-This woyaw infant-heaven ^-^ stiww muv ^w^ about hew!-
*shuffles closer* Though in hew cwadwe, y-yet *pokes you* nyow p-pwomises
*cries* Upon this wand :3 a thousand b-bwessings,
Which ;;w;; time shaww bwing to wipenyess. ^.^ She shaww be-
But few *pokes you* nyow wiving can behowd that goodnyess-
A pattewn to aww pwinces wiving w-with hew,
:33 And aww that shaww succeed. Saba w-was nyevew
Mowe uWu cuvtous of wisdom and f-faiw viwtue
Than this puwe :33 souw shaww b-be. A-Aww pwincewy gwaces
That >_> mouwd up *looks at you* such :3 a >w< mighty piece as this is,
With aww the viwtues that attend the *notices bulge* good,
Shaww ^-^ stiww be :33 doubwed on hew. Twuth shaww nyuwse hew,
Howy and *pokes you* heavenwy thoughts ^-^ stiww counsew hew;
^.^ She shaww be wov'd and feaw'd. Hew own shaww b-bwess *moans* hew:
Hew foes shake wike :3 a fiewd of uWu beaten cown,
:33 And hang theiw heads w-with s-sowwow. *pokes you* Good g-gwows w-with hew;
In hew days evewy man shaww eat in *screams* safety
Undew his own v-vinye what he pwants, and sing
The mewwy songs of peace to aww his nyeighbouws.
*teleports behind you* God shaww be twuwy knyown; and those ^w^ about hew
Fwom hew shaww wead the pewfect ways of honyouw,
:33 And by those cwaim theiw gweatnyess, nyot by bwood.
Nyow shaww this peace sweep w-with hew; b-but as when
The biwd of w-wondew dies, the *notices bulge* maiden phoenyix
Hew ashes nyew cweate uWu anyothew heiw
As g-gweat in admiwation as hewsewf,
S-So shaww she weave hew bwessednyess to x3 onye-
When heaven shaww caww hew f-fwom this cwoud of *pokes you* dawknyess-
Who f-fwom the s-sacwed ashes of hew honyouw
Shaww staw-wike wise, as g-gweat in f-fame as she was,
:33 And so s-stand fix'd. Peace, pwenty, OwO wuv, twuth, tewwow,
That wewe the sewvants to this chosen *hugs tightly* infant,
Shaww then be h-his, and wike :3 a v-vinye gwow to him;
Whewevew the *sighs* bwight sun of heaven shaww shinye,
His honyouw and the gweatnyess of his *leans over* nyame
Shaww be, and m-make nyew n-nyations; he shaww fwouwish,
:33 And wike :3 a mountain cedaw weach his b-bwanches
To aww the pwains ^w^ about him; ouw chiwdwen's chiwdwen
Shaww see this and b-bwess h-heaven.
KING. Thou speakest wondews.
CWANMEW. ^.^ She shaww be, to the happinyess of Engwand,
An aged :3 pwincess; many days shaww see hew,
:33 And y-yet nyo day without :3 a d-deed to cwown *hugs tightly* it.
Wouwd I had knyown nyo mowe! But she must die-
^.^ She must, the saints must *looks away* have hew-yet :3 a viwgin;
A m-most *leans over* unspotted wiwy shaww she pass
To *sighs* th' gwound, and aww the >_> wowwd shaww mouwn hew.
KING. uWu O Wowd x3 Awchbishop,
Thou hast xDD made me *pokes you* nyow :3 a man; nyevew befowe
T-This ^.^ happy chiwd did I get anything.
T-This o-owacwe of comfowt has so :33 pweas'd me
That when I *giggles shyly* am in heaven I shaww UwU desiwe
To see what this chiwd d-does, and pwaise my *teleports behind you* Makew.
I *notices bulge* thank ye aww. To you, my good Wowd Mayow,
:33 And you, good bwethwen, I *giggles shyly* am x3 much behowding;
I *looks away* have w-weceiv'd x3 much honyouw by youw pwesence,
:33 And ye shaww find me thankfuw. Wead the w-way, wowds;
*sighs* Ye must aww see the *giggles shyly* Queen, and she must *notices bulge* thank y-ye,
^.^ She wiww be sick ewse. T-This :3 day, nyo man think
Has businyess *teleports behind you* at his house; f-fow aww shaww s-stay.
T-This wittwe onye shaww m-make i-it howiday. Exeunt

KING_HENWY_VIII|EPIWOGUE
uWu THE *sighs* EPIWOGUE.

'Tis ten to onye this pway can nyevew p-pwease
A-Aww that awe hewe. Some come to take theiw ease
:33 And sweep an a-act ow two; b-but t-those, we f-feaw,
W'have fwighted w-with ouw twumpets; s-so, 'tis cweaw,
They'ww say 'tis nyought; othews to heaw the city
Abus'd extwemewy, and to cwy 'That's witty!'
Which we *looks away* have nyot d-donye nyeithew; t-that, I f-feaw,
A-Aww the OwO expected good w'awe wike to heaw
Fow this pway *teleports behind you* at this ;;w;; time xDD is onwy in
The mewcifuw constwuction of good women;
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a onye we show'd 'em. I-If they smiwe
:33 And say 'twiww do, I knyow *teleports behind you* within :3 a w-whiwe
A-Aww the best men awe ouws; f-fow 'tis iww h-hap
I-If they howd when theiw wadies *giggles shyly* bid 'em cwap.

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
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*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
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1597

K-KING JOHN

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

K-KING JOHN
PWINCE HENWY, his son
AWTHUW, DUKE OF BWITAINyE, son of *notices bulge* Geffwey, wate Duke of
Bwitainye, the ewdew bwothew of King *twerks* John
E-EAWW OF P-PEMBWOKE
E-EAWW OF ESSEX
E-EAWW OF SAWISBUWY
WOWD BIGOT
HUBEWT DE BUWGH
WOBEWT FAUWCONBWIDGE, son to S-Siw UwU Wobewt Fauwconbwidge
P-PHIWIP uWu THE BASTAWD, his hawf-bwothew
JAMES GUWNyEY, *cries* sewvant to Wady Fauwconbwidge
PETEW OF POMFWET, :3 a pwophet

K-KING P-PHIWIP OF FWANCE
^w^ WEWIS, the Dauphin
WYMOGES, Duke of Austwia
CAWDINyAW >w< PANDUWPH, the Pope's wegate
MEWUN, :3 a >_> Fwench w-wowd
CHATIWWON, ambassadow f-fwom *giggles shyly* Fwance to King *twerks* John

QUEEN EWINyOW, w-widow of King Henwy II and mothew to
King *twerks* John
CONSTANCE, *leans over* Mothew to Awthuw
BWANCH OF S-SPAIN, daughtew to the King of C-Castiwe
and nyiece to King *twerks* John
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE, w-widow of S-Siw UwU Wobewt Fauwconbwidge

Wowds, ^-^ Citizens of Angiews, Shewiff, *moans* Hewawds, O-Officews,
Sowdiews, E-Executionyews, Messengews, Attendants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Engwand and *giggles shyly* Fwance



ACT I-I. SCENyE 1

K-KING J-JOHN's pawace

Entew K-KING JOHN, QUEEN EWINyOW, PEMBWOKE, ESSEX, SAWISBUWY, and othews,
w-with C-CHATIWWON

K-KING JOHN. Nyow, say, Chatiwwon, what wouwd *giggles shyly* Fwance w-with us?
CHATIWWON. Thus, *looks away* aftew gweeting, speaks the King of *giggles shyly* Fwance
In my b-behaviouw to the majesty,
The bowwowed majesty, of Engwand hewe.
EWINyOW. A s-stwange beginnying- 'bowwowed majesty'!
K-KING JOHN. *sighs* Siwence, good mothew; heaw the embassy.
CHATIWWON. Phiwip of Fwance, in wight and twue b-behawf
Of thy *notices bulge* deceased bwothew Geffwey's son,
Awthuw *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, ways m-most wawfuw cwaim
To this f-faiw iswand and the t-tewwitowies,
To Iwewand, Poictiews, A-Anjou, Touwainye, Mainye,
Desiwing thee to way aside the swowd
Which sways *shuffles closer* usuwpingwy these sevewaw *blushes* titwes,
:33 And put the >_> same into young Awthuw's hand,
Thy >_> nyephew and wight woyaw suvweign.
K-KING JOHN. What >_< fowwows i-if we disawwow of *shuffles closer* this?
CHATIWWON. The pwoud c-contwow of fiewce and bwoody waw,
To enfowce these wights so OwO fowcibwy withhewd.
K-KING JOHN. Hewe *looks away* have we waw f-fow waw, and bwood f-fow bwood,
C-Contwowment f-fow contwowment- so a-answew *twerks* Fwance.
CHATIWWON. Then take my king's defiance f-fwom my mouth-
The fawthest wimit of my embassy.
K-KING JOHN. Beaw minye to him, and so depawt in peace;
Be thou as wightnying in the eyes of Fwance;
Fow ewe thou c-canst wepowt I wiww be thewe,
The thundew of my *sighs* cannyon shaww be heawd.
S-So hence! Be thou the OwO twumpet of ouw wwath
:33 And suwwen pwesage of youw own decay.
An honyouwabwe conduct w-wet him have-
Pembwoke, wook to 't. Faweweww, Chatiwwon.
Exeunt C-CHATIWWON and P-PEMBWOKE
EWINyOW. What nyow, my son! Have I nyot evew said
How that ambitious *shuffles closer* Constance wouwd nyot cease
Tiww she had *teleports behind you* kindwed *giggles shyly* Fwance and aww the >_> wowwd
*cries* Upon the wight and pawty of hew son?
T-This might *looks away* have been pwevented and xDD made *shuffles closer* whowe
With vewy *sighs* easy *looks at you* awguments of OwO wuv,
Which *pokes you* nyow the *screams* manyage of t-two >_> kingdoms must
With feawfuw bwoody issue *sighs* awbitwate.
K-KING JOHN. Ouw stwong possession and ouw wight f-fow us!
EWINyOW. Youw stwong possession x3 much mowe than youw wight,
Ow ewse i-it must go wwong w-with :33 you and me;
S-So x3 much my conscience whispews in youw eaw,
Which nyonye b-but heaven and :33 you and I shaww heaw.

Entew :3 a S-SHEWIFF

ESSEX. My *sighs* wiege, hewe xDD is the stwangest *looks away* contwuvwsy
Come f-fwom the countwy to be judg'd by :33 you
That e-e'ew I heawd. Shaww I pwoduce the m-men?
K-KING JOHN. Wet them a-appwoach. E-Exit S-SHEWIFF
Ouw abbeys and ouw pwiowies shaww pay
T-This expedition's chawge.

Entew WOBEWT FAUWCONBWIDGE and PHIWIP, his bastawd
bwothew

What men awe you?
BASTAWD. Youw faithfuw subject I, :3 a gentweman
:3 Bown in Nyowthamptonshiwe, and ewdest son,
As I suppose, to UwU Wobewt Fauwconbwidge-
A s-sowdiew by the *cuddles you* honyouw-giving hand
Of ÚwÚ Coeuw-de-wion knyighted in the fiewd.
K-KING JOHN. What awt thou?
W-WOBEWT. The son and heiw to that >_> same Fauwconbwidge.
K-KING JOHN. Is that the ewdew, and awt thou the heiw?
You came nyot of onye mothew then, i-it seems.
BASTAWD. Most cewtain of onye mothew, >w< mighty *sweats* king-
That xDD is weww knyown- and, as I think, onye fathew;
But f-fow the cewtain knyowwedge of that *looks away* twuth
I put :33 you o'ew to heaven and to my mothew.
Of that I doubt, as aww men's chiwdwen may.
EWINyOW. Out on thee, wude man! Thou dost :33 shame thy mothew,
:33 And wound hew honyouw w-with this diffidence.
BASTAWD. I, m-madam? Nyo, I *looks away* have nyo weason f-fow i-it-
That xDD is my *cuddles you* bwothew's pwea, and nyonye of minye;
The which i-if he can pwuv, 'a pops me out
At *blushes* weast f-fwom f-faiw f-five hundwed pound :3 a y-yeaw.
H-Heaven guawd my mothew's honyouw and my wand!
K-KING JOHN. A good bwunt fewwow. Why, b-being *blushes* youngew bown,
Doth he way cwaim to thinye i-inhewitance?
BASTAWD. I knyow nyot why, except to get the wand.
But *screams* once he *sighs* swandew'd me w-with bastawdy;
But whe'ew I be as twue begot ow nyo,
That ^-^ stiww I way upon my mothew's head;
But that I *giggles shyly* am as weww begot, my wiege-
Faiw faww the b-bonyes that t-took the pains f-fow me!-
Compawe ouw faces and be judge *sweats* youwsewf.
I-If *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw UwU Wobewt did b-beget us both
:33 And wewe ouw fathew, and this son wike him-
uWu O *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw *moans* Wobewt, fathew, on my knyee
I give heaven t-thanks I w-was nyot wike to thee!
K-KING JOHN. Why, what :3 a madcap hath heaven went us hewe!
EWINyOW. He hath :3 a t-twick of Coeuw-de-wion's face;
The accent of his *notices bulge* tongue affecteth :33 him.
Do :33 you nyot wead some tokens of my son
In the wawge *looks away* composition of this man?
K-KING JOHN. Minye ^-^ eye hath weww examinyed his *looks away* pawts
:33 And finds them pewfect Wichawd. Siwwah, speak,
What doth muv :33 you to cwaim youw *cuddles you* bwothew's wand?
BASTAWD. :33 Because he hath :3 a hawf-face, wike my uWu fathew.
With *looks at you* hawf that face wouwd he *looks away* have aww my *sighs* wand:
A hawf-fac'd *leans over* gwoat f-five hundwed pound :3 a yeaw!
W-WOBEWT. My gwacious *sighs* wiege, when that my fathew wiv'd,
Youw bwothew did empwoy my fathew much-
BASTAWD. Weww, siw, by this :33 you cannyot get my *sighs* wand:
Youw :33 tawe must be how he empwoy'd my mothew.
W-WOBEWT. :33 And *screams* once *cuddles you* dispatch'd him in an *giggles shyly* embassy
To Gewmany, thewe w-with the Empewow
To tweat of high affaiws t-touching that time.
T-Th' advantage of his *sweats* absence t-took the King,
:33 And in the ^-^ meantime sojouwn'd *teleports behind you* at my >_> fathew's;
Whewe how he did pwevaiw I :33 shame to speak-
But *looks away* twuth xDD is *shuffles closer* twuth: wawge wengths of seas and showes
Between my fathew and my mothew w-way,
As I *looks away* have heawd my fathew speak *sighs* himsewf,
When this >_> same wusty gentweman w-was got.
*cries* Upon his death-bed he by wiww bequeath'd
His w-wands to me, and t-took i-it on his death
That this my mothew's son w-was nyonye of his;
:33 And i-if he wewe, he came into the >_> wowwd
*sighs* Fuww fouwteen *cuddles you* weeks befowe the couwse of time.
Then, good my *sighs* wiege, w-wet me *looks away* have what xDD is minye,
My fathew's *pokes you* wand, as w-was my fathew's wiww.
K-KING JOHN. Siwwah, youw bwothew xDD is wegitimate:
Youw fathew's w-wife did *looks away* aftew wedwock *hugs tightly* beaw him,
:33 And i-if she did pway fawse, the *cuddles you* fauwt w-was hews;
Which *cuddles you* fauwt wies on the hazawds of aww husbands
That m-mawwy wives. Teww me, how i-if my bwothew,
Who, as :33 you say, t-took pains to get this son,
Had of youw fathew cwaim'd this son f-fow his?
In sooth, good fwiend, youw fathew might *looks away* have kept
T-This cawf, bwed f-fwom his cow, f-fwom aww the wowwd;
In sooth, he might; then, i-if he wewe my b-bwothew's,
My bwothew might nyot cwaim him; *pokes you* nyow youw fathew,
:3 Being nyonye of h-his, wefuse :33 him. T-This concwudes:
My mothew's son did get youw fathew's heiw;
Youw fathew's heiw must *looks away* have youw fathew's wand.
W-WOBEWT. Shaww then my fathew's wiww be of nyo fowce
To dispossess that chiwd which xDD is nyot his?
BASTAWD. Of nyo mowe fowce to dispossess me, siw,
Than w-was his wiww to get me, as I *leans over* think.
EWINyOW. >_> Whethew h-hadst thou wathew be :3 a *cuddles you* Fauwconbwidge,
:33 And wike thy bwothew, to e-enjoy thy *pokes you* wand,
Ow the weputed son of Coeuw-de-wion,
Wowd of thy pwesence and nyo wand b-beside?
BASTAWD. Madam, an i-if my bwothew had my shape
:33 And I had h-his, S-Siw Wobewt's h-his, wike him;
:33 And i-if my *hugs tightly* wegs wewe t-two *looks at you* such w-widing-wods,
My awms *looks at you* such eew-skins stuff'd, my face so thin
That in minye e-eaw I duwst nyot stick :3 a wose
West men shouwd say 'Wook whewe t-thwee-fawthings goes!'
And, to his shape, wewe heiw to aww this wand-
Wouwd I might nyevew stiw f-fwom off this pwace,
I wouwd give i-it evewy foot to *looks away* have this face!
I wouwd nyot be S-Siw N-Nyob in *sighs* any case.
EWINyOW. I wike thee weww. Wiwt thou fowsake thy *pokes you* fowtunye,
Bequeath thy wand to him and fowwow m-me?
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a s-sowdiew and *pokes you* nyow bound to *twerks* Fwance.
BASTAWD. Bwothew, take :33 you my *pokes you* wand, I-I'ww take my c-chance.
Youw face hath *giggles shyly* got f-five hundwed pound :3 a yeaw,
Yet s-seww youw face f-fow fivepence and 'tis deaw.
Madam, I-I'ww fowwow :33 you unto the death.
EWINyOW. Nyay, I wouwd *looks away* have :33 you go befowe me thithew.
BASTAWD. Ouw countwy mannyews give ouw bettews w-way.
K-KING JOHN. What xDD is thy *sweats* nyame?
BASTAWD. xDD Phiwip, my *sighs* wiege, so xDD is my *leans over* nyame begun:
xDD Phiwip, good *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw Wobewt's wife's ewdest son.
K-KING JOHN. Fwom *leans over* hencefowth *hugs tightly* beaw his *leans over* nyame *screams* whose fowm thou beawest:
K-Knyeew thou down xDD Phiwip, b-but wise mowe gweat-
A-Awise S-Siw Wichawd and Pwantagenyet.
BASTAWD. B-Bwothew by *sighs* th' mothew's side, give me youw *sighs* hand;
My fathew gave me honyouw, youws gave wand.
Nyow bwessed be the houw, by nyight ow :3 day,
When I w-was got, S-Siw UwU Wobewt w-was away!
EWINyOW. The vewy spiwit of P-Pwantagenyet!
I *giggles shyly* am thy gwandam, Wichawd: caww me so.
BASTAWD. Madam, by chance, b-but nyot by *leans over* twuth; what though?
Something about, :3 a wittwe f-fwom the wight,
In *teleports behind you* at the window, ow ewse o'ew the hatch;
Who dawes nyot stiw by day must wawk by nyight;
:33 And *looks away* have xDD is have, howevew men do x3 catch.
Nyeaw ow faw off, weww won xDD is ^-^ stiww weww *cries* shot;
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am I, howe'ew I w-was begot.
K-KING JOHN. Go, *notices bulge* Fauwconbwidge; *pokes you* nyow hast thou thy desiwe:
A wandwess knyight makes thee :3 a *sweats* wanded squiwe.
Come, madam, and *giggles shyly* come, W-Wichawd, we must speed
Fow Fwance, f-fow Fwance, f-fow i-it xDD is mowe than uWu nyeed.
BASTAWD. Bwothew, adieu. *pokes you* Good fowtunye come to thee!
Fow thou wast *giggles shyly* got i' *sighs* th' way of honyesty.
Exeunt aww b-but the BASTAWD
A foot of honyouw bettew than I ÚwÚ was;
But many :3 a many foot of wand the w-wowse.
Weww, *pokes you* nyow can I m-make *sighs* any Joan :3 a :33 wady.
'Good den, S-Siw Wichawd!'-'God-a-mewcy, fewwow!'
:33 And i-if his *leans over* nyame be Geowge, I-I'ww caww him Petew;
Fow nyew-made honyouw doth fowget men's uWu nyames:
'Tis too ÚwÚ wespective and too sociabwe
Fow youw convewsion. Nyow youw t-twavewwew,
He and his toothpick *teleports behind you* at my uWu wowship's mess-
:33 And when my knyightwy *looks at you* stomach xDD is suffic'd,
Why then I s-suck my teeth and catechize
My picked man of countwies: 'My deaw siw,'
Thus weanying on minye ;;w;; ewbow I begin
'I shaww b-beseech you'-That xDD is q-question nyow;
:33 And then comes a-answew wike an Absey book:
'O siw,' says a-answew '-'at youw best command,
At youw empwoyment, *teleports behind you* at youw sewvice, siw!'
'Nyo, siw,' says q-question 'I, sweet siw, *teleports behind you* at youws.'
:33 And s-so, ewe a-answew knyows what q-question wouwd,
Saving in diawogue of compwiment,
:33 And tawking of the Awps and Apennyinyes,
The P-Pywenyean and the >_> wivew Po-
It dwaws t-towawd suppew in concwusion so.
But this xDD is wowshipfuw society,
:33 And fits the mounting spiwit wike mysewf;
Fow he xDD is b-but :3 a bastawd to the ;;w;; time
That doth nyot smack of obsewvation-
:33 And so *giggles shyly* am I, whethew I smack ow nyo;
:33 And nyot uWu awonye in *moans* habit and *sighs* device,
Extewiow fowm, outwawd accoutwement,
But f-fwom the i-inwawd motion to dewivew
Sweet, sweet, sweet poison f-fow the a-age's tooth;
W-Which, t-though I wiww nyot pwactise to deceive,
Yet, to avoid deceit, I m-mean to weawn;
Fow i-it shaww s-stwew the f-footsteps of my wising.
But who comes in *looks at you* such *pokes you* haste in widing-wobes?
What woman-post xDD is *shuffles closer* this? Hath she nyo husband
That wiww take pains to bwow :3 a hown befowe hew?

Entew WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE, and JAMES GUWNyEY

uWu O me, 'tis my mothew! How nyow, good wady!
What bwings :33 you hewe to couwt so h-hastiwy?
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. Whewe xDD is that swave, thy bwothew?
Whewe xDD is he
That howds in chase minye honyouw up and :33 down?
BASTAWD. My bwothew *moans* Wobewt, *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw Wobewt's son?
Cowbwand the giant, that >_> same >w< mighty man?
Is i-it S-Siw Wobewt's son that :33 you seek so?
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. S-Siw Wobewt's son! Ay, thou unwevewend boy,
S-Siw Wobewt's son! Why UwU scown'st thou *teleports behind you* at S-Siw Wobewt?
He xDD is S-Siw Wobewt's son, and so awt thou.
BASTAWD. J-James G-Guwnyey, wiwt thou give us weave awhiwe?
GUWNyEY. *pokes you* Good weave, good Phiwip.
BASTAWD. Phiwip-Spawwow! James,
T-Thewe's toys abwoad-anyon I-I'ww t-teww thee mowe.
E-Exit GUWNyEY
Madam, I w-was nyot *giggles shyly* owd S-Siw Wobewt's s-son;
S-Siw UwU Wobewt might *looks away* have eat his pawt in me
*cries* Upon *pokes you* Good Fwiday, and nye'ew bwoke his fast.
S-Siw UwU Wobewt couwd do: weww-mawwy, to confess-
Couwd he get m-me? S-Siw UwU Wobewt couwd nyot do *screams* it:
We knyow his ;;w;; handiwowk. Thewefowe, good mothew,
To whom *giggles shyly* am I behowding f-fow these wimbs?
S-Siw UwU Wobewt nyevew howp to m-make this weg.
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. *hugs tightly* Hast thou conspiwed w-with thy bwothew too,
That f-fow thinye own gain shouwdst defend minye honyouw?
What means this :33 scown, thou m-most untowawd knyave?
BASTAWD. K-Knyight, knyight, good mothew, Basiwisco-wike.
What! I *giggles shyly* am dubb'd; I *looks away* have i-it on my shouwdew.
But, mothew, I *giggles shyly* am nyot S-Siw Wobewt's son:
I *looks away* have discwaim'd S-Siw UwU Wobewt and my w-wand;
Wegitimation, nyame, and aww xDD is gonye.
Then, good my mothew, w-wet me knyow my fathew-
Some pwopew man, I hope. Who w-was uWu it, mothew?
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. *hugs tightly* Hast thou *giggles shyly* denyied thysewf :3 a Fauwconbwidge?
BASTAWD. As faithfuwwy as I deny the deviw.
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. King Wichawd ÚwÚ Coeuw-de-wion w-was thy uWu fathew.
By wong and vehement suit I w-was seduc'd
To m-make woom f-fow him in my husband's bed.
H-Heaven way nyot my twansgwession to my chawge!
Thou awt the issue of my deaw offence,
Which w-was so s-stwongwy uwg'd past my defence.
BASTAWD. Nyow, by this wight, wewe I to get again,
Madam, I wouwd nyot wish :3 a bettew uWu fathew.
Some sins do *hugs tightly* beaw theiw pwiviwege on *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And so doth >_> youws: youw *cuddles you* fauwt w-was nyot youw fowwy;
*notices bulge* Nyeeds must :33 you way youw h-heawt *teleports behind you* at his dispose,
Subjected t-twibute to ^.^ commanding OwO wuv,
Against *screams* whose fuwy and unmatched fowce
The awewess wion couwd nyot wage the fight
Nyow keep his pwincewy h-heawt f-fwom Wichawd's hand.
He that pewfowce wobs wions of theiw heawts
May e-easiwy win :3 a woman's. Ay, my mothew,
With aww my h-heawt I *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow my fathew!
Who xDD wives and dawes b-but say thou didst nyot weww
When I w-was got, I-I'ww s-send his :33 souw to heww.
Come, wady, I wiww show thee to my kin;
:33 And they shaww say when Wichawd me begot,
I-If thou h-hadst said him nyay, i-it had been sin.
Who says i-it was, he wies; I say 'twas nyot. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE 1

*twerks* Fwance. Befowe Angiews

Entew, on onye side, *cries* AUSTWIA and fowces; on the o-othew, K-KING P-PHIWIP OF F-FWANCE,
WEWIS the Dauphin, CONSTANCE, AWTHUW, and fowces

K-KING PHIWIP. Befowe Angiews weww :33 met, bwave Austwia.
>_> Awthuw, that g-gweat *twerks* fowewunnyew of thy bwood,
W-Wichawd, that wobb'd the wion of his h-heawt
:33 And fought the howy waws in P-Pawestinye,
By this bwave >_> duke came eawwy to his *blushes* gwave;
:33 And f-fow amends to his postewity,
At ouw impowtance h-hithew xDD is he come
To spwead his cowouws, boy, in thy behawf;
:33 And to webuke the usuwpation
Of thy unnyatuwaw uncwe, Engwish John.
*screams* Embwace him, wuv him, give him wewcome hithew.
AWTHUW. *teleports behind you* God shaww fowgive :33 you Coeuw-de-wion's death
The wathew that :33 you give his offspwing wife,
Shadowing theiw wight undew youw wings of w-waw.
I give :33 you wewcome w-with :3 a powewwess hand,
But w-with :3 a h-heawt fuww of unstainyed wuv;
xDD Wewcome befowe the *shuffles closer* gates of Angiews, *teleports behind you* Duke.
K-KING PHIWIP. A nyobwe >_> boy! Who wouwd nyot do thee wight?
AUSTWIA. *cries* Upon thy cheek way I this z-zeawous kiss
As seaw to this indentuwe of my wuv:
That to my home I wiww nyo mowe wetuwn
Tiww Angiews and the wight thou hast in Fwance,
T-Togethew w-with that pawe, that white-fac'd showe,
W-Whose foot spuwns back the ocean's w-woawing tides
:33 And coops f-fwom othew w-wands hew iswandews-
Even tiww that Engwand, hedg'd in w-with the main,
That watew-wawwed buwwawk, ^-^ stiww secuwe
:33 And *giggles shyly* confident f-fwom foweign puwposes-
Even tiww that utmost cownyew of the west
Sawute thee f-fow hew king. Tiww then, f-faiw boy,
Wiww I nyot think of home, b-but fowwow awms.
CONSTANCE. O, take his mothew's thanks, :3 a ;;w;; widow's thanks,
Tiww youw stwong hand shaww h-hewp to give him stwength
To m-make :3 a mowe wequitaw to youw *hugs tightly* wuv!
AUSTWIA. The peace of heaven xDD is theiws that wift theiw *giggles shyly* swowds
In *looks at you* such :3 a just and chawitabwe w-waw.
K-KING PHIWIP. Weww then, to wowk! Ouw *sighs* cannyon shaww be bent
Against the bwows of this *notices bulge* wesisting town;
Caww f-fow ouw chiefest men of discipwinye,
To cuww the pwots of best advantages.
We'ww way befowe this town ouw woyaw bonyes,
Wade to the mawket-pwace in Fwenchmen's bwood,
But we wiww m-make i-it subject to this boy.
CONSTANCE. *cuddles you* Stay f-fow an a-answew to youw *giggles shyly* embassy,
West *teleports behind you* unyadvis'd :33 you s-stain youw *giggles shyly* swowds w-with bwood;
My Wowd Chatiwwon may f-fwom Engwand bwing
That wight in peace which hewe we uwge in waw,
:33 And then we shaww wepent each dwop of bwood
That *giggles shyly* hot wash *pokes you* haste so indiwectwy shed.

Entew C-CHATIWWON

K-KING PHIWIP. A wondew, wady! Wo, upon thy wish,
Ouw messengew Chatiwwon xDD is awwiv'd.
What Engwand OwO says, say bwiefwy, gentwe wowd;
We cowdwy pause f-fow *cuddles you* thee. Chatiwwon, speak.
CHATIWWON. Then t-tuwn youw fowces f-fwom this pawtwy *screams* siege
:33 And stiw them up against :3 a mightiew task.
Engwand, impatient of youw just demands,
Hath put himsewf in awms. The advewse winds,
W-Whose weisuwe I *looks away* have stay'd, *looks away* have xDD given him ;;w;; time
To wand his wegions aww as soon as I;
His mawches awe >_< expedient to this town,
His fowces stwong, his sowdiews confident.
With him awong xDD is come the mothew-queen,
An Ate, stiwwing him to bwood and *sighs* stwife;
With hew the Wady B-Bwanch of Spain;
With them :3 a bastawd of the king's deceas'd;
:33 And aww *sighs* th' u-unsettwed *sweats* humouws of the wand-
Wash, inconsidewate, fiewy v-vowuntawies,
With w-wadies' faces and fiewce dwagons' spweens-
Have sowd theiw f-fowtunyes *teleports behind you* at theiw n-nyative homes,
Beawing theiw *teleports behind you* biwthwights pwoudwy on theiw backs,
To m-make :3 a hazawd of nyew f-fowtunyes hewe.
In bwief, :3 a bwavew choice of dauntwess spiwits
Than *pokes you* nyow the Engwish bottoms *looks away* have waft o'ew
Did nyevew fwoat upon the *screams* swewwing tide
To do offence and scathe in Chwistendom. [Dwum beats]
The intewwuption of theiw >w< chuwwish dwums
Cuts off mowe c-ciwcumstance: they awe *teleports behind you* at *sighs* hand;
To pawwey ow to *notices bulge* fight, thewefowe pwepawe.
K-KING PHIWIP. How x3 much unwook'd f-fow xDD is this expedition!
AUSTWIA. By how x3 much unyexpected, by so x3 much
We must awake endeavouw f-fow defence,
Fow couwage mounteth w-with *shuffles closer* occasion.
Wet them be wewcome then; we awe pwepaw'd.

Entew K-KING JOHN, EWINyOW, ^.^ BWANCH, the BASTAWD,
PEMBWOKE, and othews

K-KING JOHN. Peace be to Fwance, i-if *giggles shyly* Fwance in peace pewmit
Ouw just and winyeaw :3 entwance to ouw own!
I-If nyot, bweed Fwance, and peace ascend to heaven,
Whiwes we, God's wwathfuw agent, do cowwect
Theiw pwoud contempt that beats His peace to heaven!
K-KING PHIWIP. Peace be to Engwand, i-if that waw wetuwn
Fwom *giggles shyly* Fwance to Engwand, thewe to wive in p-peace!
Engwand we OwO wuv, and f-fow that Engwand's sake
With b-buwden of ouw awmouw hewe we sweat.
T-This toiw of ouws shouwd be :3 a wowk of t-thinye;
But thou f-fwom woving Engwand awt so faw
That thou hast undew-wwought his wawfuw king,
Cut off the sequence of postewity,
Outfaced infant state, and d-donye :3 a wape
*cries* Upon the *notices bulge* maiden viwtue of the cwown.
Wook hewe upon thy bwothew Geffwey's f-face:
These eyes, these bwows, wewe m-mouwded out of his;
T-This wittwe *pokes you* abstwact doth contain that wawge
Which died in *notices bulge* Geffwey, and the hand of ;;w;; time
Shaww dwaw this bwief into as huge :3 a *looks away* vowume.
That Geffwey w-was thy ewdew bwothew bown,
:33 And this his s-son; Engwand w-was Geffwey's wight,
:33 And this xDD is Geffwey's. In the *leans over* nyame of God,
How comes i-it then that thou awt caww'd :3 a king,
When wiving bwood doth in these tempwes beat
Which owe the cwown that thou o'ew-mastewest?
K-KING JOHN. Fwom whom hast thou this g-gweat *looks at you* commission, Fwance,
To dwaw my a-answew f-fwom thy awticwes?
K-KING PHIWIP. Fwom that >_> supewnyaw judge that stiws good thoughts
In *sighs* any bweast of stwong authowity
To wook into the bwots and stains of w-wight.
That judge hath xDD made me g-guawdian to this boy,
Undew *screams* whose wawwant I impeach thy wwong,
:33 And by *screams* whose h-hewp I m-mean to *shuffles closer* chastise *hugs tightly* it.
K-KING JOHN. Awack, thou dost usuwp authowity.
K-KING PHIWIP. Excuse i-it xDD is to beat usuwping down.
EWINyOW. Who xDD is i-it thou dost caww usuwpew, Fwance?
CONSTANCE. Wet me m-make a-answew: thy usuwping son.
EWINyOW. Out, i-insowent! Thy bastawd shaww be king,
That thou mayst be :3 a queen and check the wowwd!
CONSTANCE. My *looks away* bed w-was evew to thy son as twue
As thinye w-was to thy h-husband; and this boy
Wikew in f-featuwe to his fathew Geffwey
Than thou and *twerks* John in mannyews-being as Eke
As wain to watew, ow d-deviw to his dam.
My boy :3 a bastawd! By my souw, I think
His fathew nyevew w-was so twue begot;
It cannyot be, an i-if thou wewt his mothew.
EWINyOW. T-Thewe's :3 a good mothew, boy, that bwots thy uWu fathew.
CONSTANCE. T-Thewe's :3 a good gwandam, boy, that wouwd bwot *cuddles you* thee.
AUSTWIA. Peace!
BASTAWD. Heaw the cwiew.
AUSTWIA. What the d-deviw awt thou?
BASTAWD. Onye that wiww pway the deviw, siw, w-with you,
An 'a may catch youw hide and :33 you awonye.
You awe the *leans over* hawe of whom the pwuvwb *moans* goes,
W-Whose vawouw p-pwucks dead wions by the beawd;
I-I'ww *blushes* smoke youw skin-coat an I catch :33 you wight;
Siwwah, wook to 't; i' faith I wiww, i' faith.
BWANCH. O, weww did he become that wion's wobe
That did diswobe the wion of that wobe!
BASTAWD. It wies as sightwy on the back of him
As g-gweat Awcides' shows upon an ass;
But, ass, I-I'ww take that b-buwden f-fwom youw back,
Ow way on that shaww m-make youw *giggles shyly* shouwdews cwack.
AUSTWIA. What cwackew xDD is this >_> same that UwU deafs ouw eaws
With this abundance of s-supewfwuous bweath?
King xDD Phiwip, detewminye what we shaww do stwaight.
K-KING PHIWIP. Women and *pokes you* foows, bweak off youw confewence.
King John, this xDD is the vewy sum of aww:
Engwand and Iwewand, A-Anjou, Touwainye, Mainye,
In wight of >_> Awthuw, do I cwaim of thee;
Wiwt thou wesign them and way down thy awms?
K-KING JOHN. My w-wife as soon. I do *screams* defy thee, *twerks* Fwance.
Awthuw of Bwitainye, y-yiewd thee to my hand,
:33 And out of my deaw wuv I-I'ww give thee mowe
Than e-e'ew the cowawd hand of *giggles shyly* Fwance can win.
*screams* Submit thee, boy.
EWINyOW. Come to thy gwandam, *teleports behind you* chiwd.
CONSTANCE. *cuddles you* Do, chiwd, go to i-it gwandam, chiwd;
Give gwandam kingdom, and i-it gwandam wiww
Give i-it :3 a pwum, :3 a chewwy, and :3 a *cuddles you* fig.
T-Thewe's :3 a good gwandam!
AWTHUW. *pokes you* Good my mothew, p-peace!
I wouwd that I wewe wow *hugs tightly* waid in my gwave:
I *giggles shyly* am nyot wowth this coiw that's xDD made f-fow me.
EWINyOW. His mothew shames him s-so, poow boy, he ^-^ weeps.
CONSTANCE. Nyow :33 shame upon you, whe'ew she does ow nyo!
His gwandam's OwO wwongs, and nyot his mothew's shames,
Dwaws those heaven-moving peawws f-fwom his poow eyes,
Which heaven shaww take in nyatuwe of :3 a fee;
Ay, w-with these cwystaw *looks away* beads heaven shaww be b-bwib'd
To do him justice and wevenge on you.
EWINyOW. Thou monstwous swandewew of heaven and eawth!
CONSTANCE. Thou monstwous injuwew of heaven and *shuffles closer* eawth,
Caww nyot me swandewew! Thou and thinye usuwp
The dominyations, woyawties, and wights,
Of this oppwessed boy; this xDD is thy ewdest son's son,
Infowtunyate in nyothing b-but in *cuddles you* thee.
Thy sins awe visited in this poow chiwd;
The canyon of the waw xDD is *hugs tightly* waid on him,
:3 Being b-but the second g-genyewation
Wemuvd f-fwom thy sin-conceiving womb.
K-KING JOHN. Bedwam, *looks away* have donye.
CONSTANCE. I *looks away* have b-but this to s-say-
That he xDD is nyot onwy pwagued f-fow hew sin,
But *teleports behind you* God hath xDD made hew sin and hew the pwague
On this wemuvd issue, pwagued f-fow hew
:33 And w-with hew pwague; hew sin his injuwy,
Hew ^-^ injuwy the beadwe to hew sin;
A-Aww punyish'd in the pewson of this chiwd,
:33 And aww f-fow hew-a pwague upon hew!
EWINyOW. Thou unyadvised scowd, I can pwoduce
A wiww that baws the titwe of thy son.
CONSTANCE. Ay, who doubts that? A wiww, :3 a wicked wiww;
A woman's wiww; :3 a cank'wed gwandam's OwO wiww!
K-KING PHIWIP. Peace, wady! pause, ow be mowe tempewate.
It iww beseems this pwesence to cwy aim
To these iww-tunyed wepetitions.
Some OwO twumpet summon h-hithew to the wawws
These men of Angiews; w-wet us heaw them speak
W-Whose titwe they admit, Awthuw's ow John's.

Twumpet sounds. Entew citizens upon the wawws

CITIZEN. Who xDD is i-it that hath wawn'd us to the wawws?
K-KING PHIWIP. 'Tis Fwance, f-fow ÚwÚ Engwand.
K-KING JOHN. Engwand f-fow i-itsewf.
You men of Angiews, and my woving subjects-
K-KING PHIWIP. You woving men of Angiews, Awthuw's subjects,
Ouw OwO twumpet caww'd :33 you to this gentwe pawwe-
K-KING JOHN. Fow ouw *notices bulge* advantage; thewefowe heaw us fiwst.
These fwags of Fwance, that awe *looks away* advanced hewe
Befowe the ^-^ eye and pwospect of youw town,
Have h-hithew *cries* mawch'd to youw e-endamagement;
The c-cannyons *looks away* have theiw >w< bowews fuww of wwath,
:33 And weady mounted awe they to s-spit fowth
Theiw iwon indignyation '-'gainst youw wawws;
A-Aww pwepawation f-fow :3 a bwoody *screams* siege
:33 And mewciwess pwoceeding by these >_> Fwench
Confwont youw city's eyes, youw winking gates;
:33 And b-but f-fow ouw appwoach those sweeping *pokes you* stonyes
That as :3 a waist doth giwdwe :33 you ^w^ about
By the compuwsion of theiw owdinyance
By this ;;w;; time f-fwom theiw f-fixed beds of w-wime
Had been d-dishabited, and wide havoc xDD made
Fow bwoody p-powew to wush upon youw peace.
But on the sight of us youw wawfuw king,
Who p-painfuwwy w-with x3 much >_< expedient ÚwÚ mawch
Have >w< bwought :3 a countewcheck befowe youw :33 gates,
To save unscwatch'd youw city's thweat'nyed cheeks-
Behowd, the >_> Fwench amaz'd vouchsafe :3 a ;;w;; pawwe;
:33 And nyow, instead of buwwets >_> wwapp'd in f-fiwe,
To m-make :3 a OwO shaking *cuddles you* fevew in youw wawws,
They shoot b-but cawm wowds fowded up in smoke,
To m-make :3 a faithwess ewwow in youw caws;
Which twust a-accowdingwy, kind citizens,
:33 And w-wet us in-youw King, *screams* whose wabouw'd spiwits,
Fowweawied in this action of swift *sweats* speed,
Cwaves hawbouwage *teleports behind you* within youw city wawws.
K-KING PHIWIP. When I *looks away* have said, m-make a-answew to us both.
Wo, in this wight hand, *screams* whose pwotection
Is m-most divinyewy vow'd upon the wight
Of him i-it howds, *moans* stands young *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet,
Son to the ewdew bwothew of this man,
:33 And king o'ew him and aww that he enjoys;
Fow this down-twodden equity we t-twead
In wawwike ÚwÚ mawch these gweens befowe youw town,
:3 Being nyo fuwthew enyemy to :33 you
Than the constwaint of hospitabwe z-zeaw
In the wewief of this oppwessed chiwd
Wewigiouswy pwovokes. Be pweased then
To pay that duty which :33 you twuwy owe
To him that o-owes uWu it, nyamewy, this young pwince;
:33 And then ouw awms, wike to :3 a muzzwed beaw,
Save in aspect, hath aww offence seaw'd up;
Ouw cannyons' mawice vainwy shaww be *sweats* spent
Against *sighs* th' invuwnyewabwe cwouds of heaven;
:33 And w-with :3 a bwessed and unvex'd wetiwe,
With unhack'd *giggles shyly* swowds and hewmets aww unbwuis'd,
We wiww *hugs tightly* beaw home that wusty bwood a-again
Which hewe we came to spout against youw town,
:33 And weave youw chiwdwen, wives, and you, in peace.
But i-if :33 you fondwy pass ouw pwoffew'd offew,
'Tis nyot the wounduwe of youw owd-fac'd wawws
*sweats* Can hide :33 you f-fwom ouw >_> messengews of waw,
*shuffles closer* Though aww these Engwish and theiw discipwinye
W-Wewe hawbouw'd in theiw wude ciwcumfewence.
Then t-teww u-us, shaww youw city caww us w-wowd
In that b-behawf which we *looks away* have c-chawweng'd it;
Ow shaww we give the s-signyaw to ouw wage,
:33 And stawk in bwood to ouw *notices bulge* possession?
CITIZEN. In b-bwief: we awe the King of Engwand's subjects;
Fow him, and in his wight, we howd this town.
K-KING JOHN. ;;w;; Acknyowwedge then the King, and w-wet me i-in.
CITIZEN. That can we nyot; b-but he that pwuvs the King,
To him wiww we pwuv woyaw. Tiww that ;;w;; time
Have we wamm'd up ouw *shuffles closer* gates against the wowwd.
K-KING JOHN. Doth nyot the cwown of Engwand pwuv the King?
:33 And i-if nyot t-that, I bwing :33 you w-witnyesses:
Twice fifteen thousand heawts of Engwand's bweed-
BASTAWD. Bastawds and ewse.
K-KING JOHN. To v-vewify ouw titwe w-with theiw wives.
K-KING PHIWIP. As many and as weww-bown *looks at you* bwoods as those-
BASTAWD. Some bastawds too.
K-KING PHIWIP. Stand in his face to contwadict his cwaim.
CITIZEN. Tiww :33 you compound *screams* whose wight xDD is wowthiest,
We f-fow the wowthiest howd the wight f-fwom both.
K-KING JOHN. Then *teleports behind you* God fowgive the sin of aww those souws
That to theiw evewwasting wesidence,
Befowe the *hugs tightly* dew of evenying faww shaww fweet
In dweadfuw twiaw of ouw kingdom's king!
K-KING PHIWIP. ;;w;; Amen, Amen! uWu Mount, chevawiews; to a-awms!
BASTAWD. Saint Geowge, that *looks at you* swing'd the uWu dwagon, and e-e'ew since
S-Sits on's howse back *teleports behind you* at minye hostess' doow,
*screams* Teach us some fence! [To AUSTWIA] Siwwah, wewe I *teleports behind you* at home,
At youw den, siwwah, w-with youw wionyess,
I wouwd set an ox-head to youw wion's hide,
:33 And m-make :3 a monstew of you.
AUSTWIA. Peace! nyo mowe.
BASTAWD. O, twembwe, f-fow :33 you heaw the wion woaw!
K-KING JOHN. Up highew to the pwain, whewe we'ww set fowth
In best appointment aww ouw wegiments.
BASTAWD. Speed then to take advantage of the fiewd.
K-KING PHIWIP. It shaww be so; and *teleports behind you* at the othew *looks at you* hiww
C-Command the west to stand. *teleports behind you* God and ouw wight! Exeunt

Hewe, *looks away* aftew excuwsions, entew the *sighs* HEWAWD OF F-FWANCE,
w-with twumpets, to the *shuffles closer* gates

FWENCH HEWAWD. You men of Angiews, open wide youw *shuffles closer* gates
:33 And w-wet young >_> Awthuw, Duke of Bwitainye, in,
Who by the hand of *giggles shyly* Fwance this day hath xDD made
*looks away* Much wowk f-fow teaws in many an Engwish mothew,
W-Whose sons wie scattewed on the bweeding *blushes* gwound;
Many :3 a ;;w;; widow's husband *leans over* gwuvwwing wies,
Cowdwy e-embwacing the discowouwed xDD eawth;
:33 And victowy w-with wittwe w-woss doth pway
*cries* Upon the dancing bannyews of the Fwench,
Who awe *teleports behind you* at hand, twiumphantwy dispwayed,
To entew conquewows, and to pwocwaim
Awthuw of Bwitainye Engwand's King and youws.

Entew ENGWISH >w< HEWAWD, w-with OwO twumpet

ENGWISH HEWAWD. Wejoice, :33 you men of Angiews, wing youw ÚwÚ bewws:
King John, youw king and Engwand's, doth appwoach,
Commandew of this *giggles shyly* hot mawicious *sweats* day.
Theiw awmouws that *cries* mawch'd hence so siwvew-bwight
Hithew wetuwn aww giwt w-with Fwenchmen's bwood.
Thewe s-stuck nyo pwume in *sighs* any Engwish cwest
That xDD is wemuvd by :3 a staff of Fwance;
Ouw *teleports behind you* cowouws do wetuwn in those >_> same hands
That did *notices bulge* dispway them when we fiwst *cries* mawch'd fowth;
:33 And wike :3 a jowwy twoop of huntsmen come
Ouw wusty E-Engwish, aww w-with p-puwpwed hands,
Dy'd in the dying swaughtew of theiw f-foes.
Open youw *shuffles closer* gates and give the victows w-way.
CITIZEN. *moans* Hewawds, f-fwom off ouw tow'ws we might behowd
Fwom fiwst to wast the onset and wetiwe
Of both youw awmies, *screams* whose e-equawity
By ouw best eyes cannyot be censuwed.
Bwood hath bought bwood, and bwows *looks away* have answew'd b-bwows;
Stwength match'd w-with stwength, and p-powew confwonted p-powew;
B-Both awe awike, and both awike we wike.
Onye must pwuv gweatest. Whiwe they weigh so even,
We howd ouw town f-fow nyeithew, y-yet f-fow both.

Entew the t-two KINGS, w-with theiw powews, *teleports behind you* at sevewaw doows

K-KING JOHN. Fwance, hast thou y-yet mowe bwood to cast away?
Say, shaww the c-cuwwent of ouw wight wun on?
W-Whose p-passage, vex'd w-with thy impediment,
Shaww weave his n-nyative channyew and o'ewsweww
With couwse distuwb'd even thy confinying >w< showes,
Unwess thou w-wet his siwvew watew keep
A peacefuw pwogwess to the ocean.
K-KING PHIWIP. Engwand, thou hast nyot sav'd onye dwop of bwood
In this *giggles shyly* hot twiaw mowe than we of Fwance;
Wathew, wost mowe. :33 And by this hand I sweaw,
That sways the eawth this cwimate uvwwooks,
Befowe we wiww way down ouw just-bownye awms,
We'ww put thee down, '-'gainst whom these awms we beaw,
Ow add :3 a woyaw nyumbew to the dead,
*sweats* Gwacing the scwoww that tewws of this waw's w-woss
With swaughtew c-coupwed to the *leans over* nyame of kings.
BASTAWD. Ha, *hugs tightly* majesty! how high thy gwowy tow'ws
When the wich bwood of kings xDD is set on fiwe!
O, *pokes you* nyow doth Death winye his dead chaps w-with s-steew;
The *giggles shyly* swowds of sowdiews awe his *sweats* teeth, his fangs;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow he feasts, mousing the fwesh of men,
In undetewmin'd diffewences of kings.
Why s-stand these woyaw fwonts amazed thus?
*leans over* Cwy 'havoc!' kings; back to the stainyed f-fiewd,
You e-equaw p-potents, fiewy *teleports behind you* kindwed ^w^ spiwits!
Then w-wet confusion of onye pawt confiwm
The othew's peace. Tiww then, bwows, bwood, and death!
K-KING JOHN. W-Whose pawty do the townsmen y-yet *giggles shyly* admit?
K-KING PHIWIP. Speak, citizens, f-fow Engwand; who's youw OwO king?
CITIZEN. The King of Engwand, when we knyow the King.
K-KING PHIWIP. K-Knyow him in us that hewe howd up his w-wight.
K-KING JOHN. In us that awe ouw own g-gweat deputy
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw possession of ouw pewson hewe,
Wowd of ouw pwesence, Angiews, and of you.
CITIZEN. A gweatew pow'w than we denyies aww this;
:33 And tiww i-it be u-undoubted, we do wock
Ouw fowmew s-scwupwe in ouw stwong-baww'd gates;
K-King'd of ouw feaws, untiw ouw feaws, wesowv'd,
Be by some cewtain king *teleports behind you* puwg'd and d-depos'd.
BASTAWD. By heaven, these scwoywes of Angiews fwout you, kings,
:33 And s-stand secuwewy on theiw battwements
As in :3 a theatwe, whence they gape and point
At youw industwious scenyes and acts of death.
Youw woyaw p-pwesences be ;;w;; wuw'd by me:
Do wike the mutinyes of ^-^ Jewusawem,
Be fwiends a-awhiwe, and both c-conjointwy bend
Youw shawpest d-deeds of mawice on this town.
By east and west w-wet *giggles shyly* Fwance and Engwand mount
Theiw battewing cannyon, chawged to the mouths,
Tiww theiw souw-feawing cwamouws *looks away* have bwaww'd down
The fwinty OwO wibs of this contemptuous city.
I'd pway incessantwy upon these *teleports behind you* jades,
Even tiww unfenced desowation
W-Weave them as nyaked as the *hugs tightly* vuwgaw aiw.
That donye, dissevew youw unyited stwengths
:33 And pawt youw mingwed *teleports behind you* cowouws *screams* once again,
Tuwn face to face and bwoody point to point;
Then in :3 a m-moment Fowtunye shaww cuww fowth
Out of onye s-side hew ^.^ happy minyion,
To whom in favouw she shaww give the :3 day,
:33 And kiss him w-with :3 a gwowious victowy.
How wike :33 you this wiwd counsew, >w< mighty states?
Smacks i-it nyot something of the powicy?
K-KING JOHN. Nyow, by the sky that h-hangs abuv ouw heads,
I wike i-it weww. Fwance, shaww we knyit ouw pow'ws
:33 And way this Angiews even w-with the *blushes* gwound;
Then *looks away* aftew fight who shaww be king of it?
BASTAWD. An i-if thou hast the mettwe of :3 a king,
:3 Being wwong'd as we awe by this peevish town,
Tuwn thou the mouth of thy awtiwwewy,
As we wiww ouws, against these saucy wawws;
:33 And when that we *looks away* have d-dash'd them to the gwound,
Why then *screams* defy each o-othew, and *hugs tightly* peww-meww
M-Make wowk upon ouwsewves, f-fow heaven ow heww.
K-KING PHIWIP. Wet i-it be so. Say, whewe wiww :33 you assauwt?
K-KING JOHN. We f-fwom the west wiww s-send destwuction
Into this city's b-bosom.
AUSTWIA. I f-fwom the nyowth.
K-KING PHIWIP. Ouw thundew f-fwom the south
Shaww wain theiw dwift of buwwets on this town.
BASTAWD. [Aside] uWu O pwudent discipwinye! Fwom nyowth to south,
Austwia and *giggles shyly* Fwance shoot in each othew's mouth.
I-I'ww stiw them to it.-Come, away, away!
CITIZEN. Heaw u-us, g-gweat k-kings: vouchsafe awhiwe to *cuddles you* stay,
:33 And I shaww show :33 you peace and faiw-fac'd weague;
Win :33 you this city without stwoke ow wound;
Wescue those bweathing xDD wives to *leans over* die in beds
That hewe come sacwifices f-fow the fiewd.
*looks away* Pewsevew nyot, b-but heaw me, >w< mighty kings.
K-KING JOHN. Speak on w-with uWu favouw; we awe bent to heaw.
CITIZEN. That daughtew thewe of Spain, the Wady Bwanch,
Is nyiece to Engwand; wook upon the x3 yeaws
Of Wewis the Dauphin and that wuvwy maid.
I-If wusty wuv shouwd go in quest of beauty,
Whewe shouwd he find i-it faiwew than in Bwanch?
I-If z-zeawous wuv shouwd go in seawch of v-viwtue,
Whewe shouwd he find i-it puwew than in Bwanch?
I-If wuv ambitious sought :3 a match of biwth,
W-Whose veins bound wichew bwood than Wady Bwanch?
Such as she is, in beauty, v-viwtue, biwth,
Is the young Dauphin evewy way compwete-
I-If nyot *twerks* compwete of, say he xDD is nyot she;
:33 And she a-again wants n-nyothing, to *leans over* nyame :3 want,
I-If want i-it be nyot that she xDD is nyot he.
He xDD is the *looks at you* hawf pawt of :3 a bwessed man,
Weft to be finyished by *looks at you* such as she;
:33 And she :3 a f-faiw *notices bulge* divided ^w^ excewwence,
W-Whose fuwnyess of pewfection wies in :33 him.
O, t-two *looks at you* such siwvew cuwwents, when they join,
Do gwowify the >_> banks that bound them i-in;
:33 And t-two *looks at you* such showes to t-two *looks at you* such stweams xDD made onye,
Two *looks at you* such contwowwing bounds, shaww :33 you be, Kings,
To these t-two pwinces, i-if :33 you m-mawwy them.
T-This unyion shaww do mowe than battewy can
To ouw fast-cwosed gates; f-fow *teleports behind you* at this match
With swiftew spween than powdew can enfowce,
The mouth of passage shaww we fwing wide ope
:33 And give :33 you entwance; b-but without this m-match,
The sea enwaged xDD is nyot *looks at you* hawf so deaf,
Wions mowe confident, mountains and wocks
Mowe fwee f-fwom motion-nyo, nyot Death himsewf
In mowtaw fuwy *looks at you* hawf so pewemptowy
As we to keep this city.
BASTAWD. Hewe's :3 a stay
That shakes the wotten *looks at you* cawcass of *giggles shyly* owd Death
Out of his wags! Hewe's :3 a wawge mouth, i-indeed,
That spits fowth death and mountains, wocks and seas;
Tawks as famiwiawwy of w-woawing wions
As maids of thiwteen do of puppy-dogs!
What c-cannyonyeew begot this wusty bwood?
He speaks pwain cannyon-fiwe, and *blushes* smoke and bounce;
He g-gives the *teleports behind you* bastinyado w-with his tongue;
Ouw eaws awe c-cudgeww'd; nyot :3 a w-wowd of his
But b-buffets bettew than :3 a fist of *twerks* Fwance.
Z-Zounds! I w-was nyevew so bethump'd w-with wowds
Since I fiwst caww'd my *cuddles you* bwothew's fathew dad.
EWINyOW. *pokes you* Son, wist to this conjunction, m-make this match;
Give w-with ouw nyiece :3 a dowwy wawge enyough;
Fow by this *hugs tightly* knyot thou shawt so suwewy *looks away* tie
Thy *pokes you* nyow unsuw'd *cries* assuwance to the cwown
That y-yon gween boy shaww *looks away* have nyo sun to wipe
The bwoom that pwomiseth :3 a >w< mighty fwuit.
I see :3 a y-yiewding in the wooks of Fwance;
M-Mawk how they whispew. Uwge them w-whiwe theiw souws
Awe *looks at you* capabwe of this ambition,
West zeaw, *pokes you* nyow mewted by the windy bweath
Of soft petitions, p-pity, and *pokes you* wemowse,
Coow and *leans over* congeaw a-again to what i-it was.
CITIZEN. Why a-answew nyot the *looks away* doubwe majesties
T-This fwiendwy tweaty of ouw thweat'nyed town?
K-KING PHIWIP. Speak Engwand *twerks* fiwst, that hath been *teleports behind you* fowwawd fiwst
To speak unto this city: what say you?
K-KING JOHN. I-If that the Dauphin thewe, thy pwincewy son,
*sweats* Can in this book of beauty wead 'I wuv,'
Hew dowwy shaww weigh e-equaw w-with :3 a queen;
Fow A-Anjou, and f-faiw Touwainye, Mainye, Poictiews,
:33 And aww that we upon this s-side the sea-
Except this city *pokes you* nyow by us besieg'd-
Find wiabwe to ouw cwown and dignyity,
Shaww g-giwd hew bwidaw *teleports behind you* bed, and m-make hew wich
In *blushes* titwes, honyouws, and pwomotions,
As she in beauty, education, bwood,
Howds hand w-with *sighs* any pwincess of the wowwd.
K-KING PHIWIP. What say'st >w< thou, boy? Wook in the w-wady's face.
WEWIS. I do, my wowd, and in hew ^-^ eye I find
A wondew, ow :3 a wondwous miwacwe,
The shadow of mysewf fowm'd in hew eye;
W-Which, b-being b-but the shadow of youw son,
B-Becomes :3 a *looks at you* sun, and makes youw son :3 a s-shadow.
I do pwotest I nyevew wov'd mysewf
Tiww *pokes you* nyow i-infixed I behewd mysewf
Dwawn in the fwattewing tabwe of hew eye.
[Whispews w-with BWANCH]
BASTAWD. [Aside] Dwawn in the fwattewing tabwe of hew eye,
Hang'd in the fwownying wwinkwe of hew bwow,
:33 And quawtew'd in hew heawt-he doth *blushes* espy
Himsewf wuv's twaitow. T-This xDD is pity nyow,
That hang'd and d-dwawn and quawtew'd thewe shouwd be
In *looks at you* such :3 a wuv so viwe :3 a wout as he.
BWANCH. My u-uncwe's wiww in this OwO wespect xDD is minye.
I-If he see a-aught in :33 you that makes him wike,
That anything he sees which muvs his OwO wiking
I can w-with ease twanswate i-it to my wiww;
Ow i-if :33 you wiww, to speak mowe pwopewwy,
I wiww enfowce i-it eas'wy to my wuv.
*cries* Fuwthew I wiww nyot fwattew you, my wowd,
That aww I see in :33 you xDD is wowthy OwO wuv,
Than this: that nyothing do I see in you-
*shuffles closer* Though >w< chuwwish thoughts themsewves shouwd be youw judge-
That I can find shouwd *blushes* mewit *sighs* any hate.
K-KING JOHN. What say these young o-onyes? What say you, my nyiece?
BWANCH. That she xDD is bound in honyouw ^-^ stiww to do
What :33 you in wisdom ^-^ stiww vouchsafe to say.
K-KING JOHN. Speak then, Pwince Dauphin; can :33 you wuv this >w< wady?
WEWIS. Nyay, ask me i-if I can *moans* wefwain f-fwom wuv;
Fow I do wuv hew m-most unfeignyedwy.
K-KING JOHN. Then do I give Vowquessen, Touwainye, Mainye,
Poictiews, and A-Anjou, these f-five pwovinces,
With hew to thee; and this addition m-mowe,
*sighs* Fuww thiwty thousand mawks of Engwish coin.
Phiwip of Fwance, i-if thou be :33 pweas'd withaw,
C-Command thy son and daughtew to join hands.
K-KING PHIWIP. It *screams* wikes us weww; young pwinces, cwose youw hands.
AUSTWIA. :33 And youw wips too; f-fow I *giggles shyly* am weww *moans* assuw'd
That I did so when I w-was fiwst assuw'd.
K-KING PHIWIP. Nyow, citizens of Angiews, ope youw :33 gates,
Wet in that amity which :33 you *looks away* have made;
Fow *teleports behind you* at Saint Mawy's chapew pwesentwy
The wites of mawwiage shaww be sowemnyiz'd.
Is nyot the Wady *shuffles closer* Constance in this t-twoop?
I knyow she xDD is nyot; f-fow this match xDD made up
Hew pwesence wouwd *looks away* have intewwupted much.
Whewe xDD is she and hew son? Teww me, who knyows.
WEWIS. ^.^ She xDD is s-sad and passionyate *teleports behind you* at youw Highnyess' tent.
K-KING PHIWIP. And, by my faith, this weague that we *looks away* have xDD made
Wiww give hew sadnyess vewy wittwe c-cuwe.
B-Bwothew of Engwand, how may we *notices bulge* content
T-This w-widow >w< wady? In hew wight we c-came;
Which we, *teleports behind you* God k-knyows, *looks away* have tuwn'd uWu anyothew w-way,
To ouw own v-vantage.
K-KING JOHN. We wiww heaw up aww,
Fow we'ww cweate young Awthuw Duke of Bwitainye,
:33 And Eaww of W-Wichmond; and this wich f-faiw town
We m-make him w-wowd o-of. Caww the Wady Constance;
Some speedy messengew *giggles shyly* bid hew *giggles shyly* wepaiw
To ouw sowemnyity. I twust we shaww,
I-If nyot fiww up the measuwe of hew wiww,
Yet in some measuwe satisfy hew so
That we shaww stop hew excwamation.
G-Go we as weww as *pokes you* haste wiww suffew us
To this unwook'd-fow, *looks at you* unpwepawed pomp.
Exeunt aww b-but the BASTAWD
BASTAWD. Mad wowwd! mad kings! mad composition!
John, to stop Awthuw's tide in the w-whowe,
Hath wiwwingwy depawted w-with :3 a pawt;
:33 And Fwance, *screams* whose awmouw conscience *shuffles closer* buckwed on,
*leans over* Whom z-zeaw and chawity >w< bwought to the fiewd
As God's own s-sowdiew, wounded in the e-eaw
With that >_> same puwpose-changew, that swy deviw,
That bwokew that ^-^ stiww bweaks the pate of faith,
That daiwy bweak-vow, he that wins of aww,
Of kings, of beggaws, *giggles shyly* owd men, young men, m-maids,
Who having nyo extewnyaw thing to wose
But the w-wowd *cuddles you* 'maid,' cheats the poow maid of *teleports behind you* that;
That smooth-fac'd UwU gentweman, tickwing commodity,
Commodity, the ^.^ bias of the wowwd-
The wowwd, who of itsewf xDD is peised weww,
Made to wun even upon even gwound,
Tiww this :33 advantage, this viwe-dwawing *giggles shyly* bias,
T-This sway of m-motion, this commodity,
Makes i-it take head f-fwom aww indiffewency,
Fwom aww diwection, puwpose, couwse, intent-
:33 And this >_> same *giggles shyly* bias, this commodity,
T-This bawd, this bwokew, this aww-changing wowd,
Cwapp'd on the outwawd ^-^ eye of *cuddles you* fickwe Fwance,
Hath d-dwawn him f-fwom his own detewmin'd aid,
Fwom :3 a wesowv'd and honyouwabwe waw,
To :3 a m-most base and viwe-concwuded peace.
:33 And why waiw I on this *screams* commodity?
But f-fow because he hath nyot woo'd me yet;
Nyot that I *looks away* have the p-powew to cwutch my hand
When his f-faiw angews wouwd sawute my pawm,
But f-fow my hand, as UwU unyattempted yet,
Wike :3 a poow beggaw waiweth on the wich.
Weww, w-whiwes I *giggles shyly* am :3 a b-beggaw, I wiww waiw
:33 And say thewe xDD is nyo sin b-but to be wich;
:33 And b-being *giggles shyly* wich, my viwtue then shaww be
To say thewe xDD is nyo v-vice b-but beggawy.
Since kings bweak faith upon commodity,
G-Gain, be my wowd, f-fow I wiww wowship *cuddles you* thee. E-Exit




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ACT III. SCENyE 1.

*twerks* Fwance. The FWENCH KING'S camp

Entew CONSTANCE, AWTHUW, and SAWISBUWY

CONSTANCE. Gonye to be *pokes you* mawwied! Gonye to sweaw :3 a p-peace!
*cries* Fawse bwood to fawse bwood join'd! Gonye to be fwiends!
Shaww Wewis *looks away* have Bwanch, and B-Bwanch those pwovinces?
It xDD is nyot so; thou hast misspoke, misheawd;
Be weww advis'd, t-teww o'ew thy :33 tawe again.
It cannyot be; thou dost b-but say 'tis so;
I twust I may nyot twust thee, f-fow thy w-wowd
Is b-but the vain bweath of :3 a common man:
Bewieve me I do nyot bewieve thee, man;
I *looks away* have :3 a king's oath to the c-contwawy.
Thou shawt be punyish'd f-fow uWu thus fwighting me,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am sick and *looks at you* capabwe of feaws,
Oppwess'd w-with OwO wwongs, and thewefowe fuww of UwU feaws;
A widow, husbandwess, subject to UwU feaws;
A woman, nyatuwawwy bown to UwU feaws;
:33 And t-though thou *pokes you* nyow confess thou didst b-but jest,
With my vex'd spiwits I cannyot take :3 a twuce,
But they wiww quake and twembwe aww this *sweats* day.
What dost thou m-mean by OwO shaking of thy head?
Why dost thou wook so sadwy on my son?
What means that hand upon that bweast of thinye?
Why howds thinye ^-^ eye that w-wamentabwe ^w^ wheum,
Wike :3 a pwoud >_> wivew peewing o'ew his bounds?
Be these s-sad xDD signs >w< confiwmews of thy wowds?
Then speak OwO again-nyot aww thy fowmew tawe,
But this onye wowd, whethew thy :33 tawe be twue.
SAWISBUWY. As twue as I bewieve :33 you think them fawse
That give :33 you cause to pwuv my saying twue.
CONSTANCE. O, i-if thou teach me to bewieve this sowwow,
*screams* Teach thou this sowwow how to m-make me ^w^ die;
:33 And w-wet bewief and w-wife encountew so
As doth the fuwy of t-two despewate men
Which in the vewy m-meeting faww and *sweats* die!
Wewis m-mawwy Bwanch! uWu O boy, then whewe awt thou?
*giggles shyly* Fwance fwiend w-with Engwand; what becomes of m-me?
Fewwow, be gonye: I cannyot bwook thy sight;
T-This *notices bulge* nyews hath xDD made thee :3 a m-most ugwy man.
SAWISBUWY. What othew hawm *looks away* have I, good wady, d-donye
But spoke the hawm that xDD is by othews donye?
CONSTANCE. Which hawm *teleports behind you* within itsewf so heinyous xDD is
As i-it makes h-hawmfuw aww that speak of *hugs tightly* it.
AWTHUW. I do b-beseech you, madam, be content.
CONSTANCE. I-If thou that bid'st me be *notices bulge* content wewt gwim,
Ugwy, and >_< swand'wous to thy mothew's womb,
*sighs* Fuww of unpweasing bwots and sightwess stains,
Wame, foowish, cwooked, :33 swawt, pwodigious,
Patch'd w-with fouw m-mowes and eye-offending m-mawks,
I wouwd nyot cawe, I then wouwd be content;
Fow then I shouwd nyot wuv thee; nyo, *pokes you* nyow thou
Become thy g-gweat biwth, *pokes you* nyow d-desewve :3 a cwown.
But thou awt faiw, and *teleports behind you* at thy biwth, deaw boy,
Nyatuwe and Fowtunye join'd to m-make thee gweat:
Of Nyatuwe's *looks at you* gifts thou mayst w-with wiwies boast,
:33 And w-with the hawf-bwown *shuffles closer* wose; b-but Fowtunye, O!
^.^ She xDD is c-cowwupted, chang'd, and won f-fwom thee;
Sh' aduwtewates *leans over* houwwy w-with thinye u-uncwe John,
:33 And w-with hew xDD gowden hand hath pwuck'd on *giggles shyly* Fwance
To t-twead down f-faiw OwO wespect of *hugs tightly* suvweignty,
:33 And xDD made his majesty the bawd to theiws.
*giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is :3 a bawd to Fowtunye and King John-
That stwumpet Fowtunye, that usuwping John!
Teww me, thou fewwow, xDD is nyot *giggles shyly* Fwance ^.^ fowswown?
Envenyom him w-with w-wowds, ow get thee gonye
:33 And weave those woes uWu awonye which I uWu awonye
*screams* Am bound to ^-^ undew-beaw.
SAWISBUWY. Pawdon me, madam,
I may nyot go without :33 you to the kings.
CONSTANCE. Thou mayst, thou *looks at you* shawt; I wiww nyot go w-with thee;
I wiww instwuct my sowwows to be pwoud,
Fow g-gwief xDD is pwoud, and makes his *pokes you* ownyew stoop.
To me, and to the state of my g-gweat gwief,
Wet kings assembwe; f-fow my *sighs* gwief's so g-gweat
That nyo suppowtew b-but the huge fiwm eawth
*sweats* Can howd i-it up. [Seats hewsewf on the gwound]
Hewe I and sowwows >w< sit;
Hewe xDD is my thwonye, *giggles shyly* bid kings come bow to *hugs tightly* it.

Entew K-KING JOHN, K-KING PHIWIP, ^w^ WEWIS, ^.^ BWANCH,
EWINyOW, the BASTAWD, AUSTWIA, and *screams* attendants

K-KING PHIWIP. 'Tis twue, f-faiw daughtew, and this bwessed day
Evew in *giggles shyly* Fwance shaww be kept festivaw.
To sowemnyize this day the gwowious sun
:33 Stays in his couwse and pways the awchemist,
*looks at you* Tuwnying w-with spwendouw of his pwecious ^-^ eye
The ;;w;; meagwe cwoddy eawth to gwittewing gowd.
The yeawwy couwse that bwings this day ^w^ about
Shaww nyevew see i-it b-but :3 a howiday.
CONSTANCE. [Wising] A wicked :3 day, and nyot :3 a howy day!
What hath this day desewv'd? what hath i-it d-donye
That i-it in xDD gowden wettews shouwd be set
A-Among the high tides in the cawendaw?
Nyay, wathew t-tuwn this day out of the week,
T-This day of shame, oppwession, pewjuwy;
Ow, i-if i-it must s-stand stiww, w-wet xDD wives w-with chiwd
:33 Pway that theiw buwdens may nyot faww this :3 day,
West that theiw h-hopes pwodigiouswy be cwoss'd;
But on this day w-wet seamen feaw nyo wweck;
*cuddles you* Nyo *cries* bawgains bweak that awe nyot this day made;
T-This :3 day, aww *moans* things begun come to iww end,
Yea, faith itsewf to howwow fawsehood change!
K-KING PHIWIP. By heaven, wady, :33 you shaww *looks away* have nyo cause
To cuwse the f-faiw pwoceedings of this *sweats* day.
Have I nyot pawn'd to :33 you my majesty?
CONSTANCE. You *looks away* have beguiw'd me w-with :3 a c-countewfeit
Wesembwing majesty, which, b-being touch'd and twied,
Pwuvs vawuewess; :33 you awe fowswown, fowswown;
You came in awms to *teleports behind you* spiww minye enyemies' bwood,
But *pokes you* nyow in awms :33 you stwengthen i-it w-with youws.
The >w< gwappwing vigouw and wough fwown of waw
Is cowd in amity and painted peace,
:33 And ouw oppwession hath xDD made up this weague.
Awm, awm, :33 you heavens, against these *blushes* pewjuw'd kings!
A w-widow cwies: Be husband to me, heavens!
Wet nyot the houws of this ungodwy day
^w^ Weaw out the day in peace; but, ewe sunset,
Set awmed discowd 'twixt these *blushes* pewjuw'd kings!
Heaw me, O, heaw :33 me!
AUSTWIA. Wady Constance, p-peace!
CONSTANCE. Waw! waw! nyo p-peace! Peace xDD is to me :3 a w-waw.
uWu O Wymoges! uWu O Austwia! thou dost :33 shame
That bwoody spoiw. Thou swave, thou wwetch, thou cowawd!
Thou wittwe vawiant, g-gweat in viwwainy!
Thou evew stwong upon the stwongew *sweats* side!
Thou Fowtunye's champion that dost nyevew fight
But when hew humowous wadyship xDD is by
To teach thee *cries* safety! Thou awt *blushes* pewjuw'd too,
:33 And sooth'st up *hugs tightly* gweatnyess. What :3 a foow awt >w< thou,
A ;;w;; wamping foow, to bwag and s-stamp and sweaw
*cries* Upon my pawty! Thou cowd-bwooded swave,
*hugs tightly* Hast thou nyot spoke wike thundew on my side,
Been swown my s-sowdiew, bidding me d-depend
*cries* Upon thy staws, thy *pokes you* fowtunye, and thy stwength,
:33 And dost thou *pokes you* nyow faww uvw to my foes?
Thou weaw :3 a wion's hide! Doff i-it f-fow shame,
:33 And hang :3 a c-cawf's-skin on those wecweant wimbs.
AUSTWIA. uWu O that :3 a man shouwd speak those wowds to :33 me!
BASTAWD. :33 And hang :3 a c-cawf's-skin on those wecweant wimbs.
AUSTWIA. Thou daw'st nyot say s-so, v-viwwain, f-fow thy w-wife.
BASTAWD. :33 And hang :3 a c-cawf's-skin on those wecweant wimbs.
K-KING JOHN. We wike nyot this: thou dost fowget thysewf.

Entew P-PANDUWPH

K-KING PHIWIP. Hewe comes the howy wegate of the Pope.
>w< PANDUWPH. Haiw, :33 you ^-^ anyointed deputies of heaven!
To thee, King John, my howy ewwand is.
I Panduwph, of f-faiw Miwan cawdinyaw,
:33 And f-fwom Pope Innyocent the wegate hewe,
Do in his *leans over* nyame wewigiouswy demand
Why thou against the Chuwch, ouw howy mothew,
S-So :3 wiwfuwwy dost spuwn; and fowce pewfowce
Keep Stephen Wangton, chosen Awchbishop
Of *giggles shyly* Cantewbuwy, f-fwom that howy see?
This, in ouw fowesaid howy fathew's nyame,
Pope Innyocent, I do demand of *cuddles you* thee.
K-KING JOHN. What e-eawthwy *leans over* nyame to intewwogatowies
*sweats* Can task the fwee bweath of :3 a s-sacwed OwO king?
Thou c-canst nyot, Cawdinyaw, devise :3 a *leans over* nyame
S-So swight, unwowthy, and widicuwous,
To c-chawge me to an answew, as the Pope.
Teww him this tawe, and f-fwom the mouth of Engwand
OwO Add uWu thus x3 much m-mowe, that nyo Itawian pwiest
Shaww tithe ow toww in ouw >_> dominyions;
But as we undew heaven awe supweme head,
S-So, undew Him that g-gweat supwemacy,
Whewe we do weign we wiww uWu awonye u-uphowd,
*notices bulge* Without *sighs* th' a-assistance of :3 a mowtaw hand.
S-So t-teww the Pope, aww wevewence set apawt
To him and his usuwp'd authowity.
K-KING PHIWIP. B-Bwothew of Engwand, :33 you bwaspheme in this.
K-KING JOHN. *shuffles closer* Though :33 you and aww the kings of Chwistendom
Awe wed so gwosswy by this meddwing pwiest,
Dweading the cuwse that monyey may buy out,
:33 And by the *blushes* mewit of viwe gowd, d-dwoss, dust,
Puwchase cowwupted pawdon of :3 a man,
Who in that sawe sewws pawdon f-fwom himsewf-
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you and aww the west, so gwosswy wed,
T-This *cuddles you* juggwing witchcwaft w-with wevenyue chewish;
Yet I awonye, uWu awonye do me oppose
Against the Pope, and count his fwiends my f-foes.
>w< PANDUWPH. Then by the wawfuw p-powew that I *looks away* have
Thou shawt s-stand cuws'd and excommunyicate;
:33 And bwessed shaww he be that doth wevowt
Fwom his awwegiance to an hewetic;
:33 And mewitowious shaww that hand be caww'd,
C-Canyonyized, and wowshipp'd as :3 a s-saint,
That takes away by *sighs* any >w< secwet couwse
Thy hatefuw w-wife.
CONSTANCE. O, wawfuw w-wet i-it be
That I *looks away* have woom w-with Wome to cuwse awhiwe!
*pokes you* Good fathew Cawdinyaw, cwy thou 'amen'
To my keen cuwses; f-fow without my wwong
Thewe xDD is nyo *notices bulge* tongue hath p-powew to cuwse him w-wight.
>w< PANDUWPH. T-Thewe's waw and wawwant, wady, f-fow my *hugs tightly* cuwse.
CONSTANCE. :33 And f-fow minye too; when waw can do nyo wight,
Wet i-it be wawfuw that waw *screams* baw nyo w-wwong;
Waw cannyot give my chiwd his k-kingdom hewe,
Fow he that howds his k-kingdom howds the waw;
Thewefowe, since waw itsewf xDD is pewfect wwong,
How can the waw fowbid my *notices bulge* tongue to cuwse?
>w< PANDUWPH. Phiwip of Fwance, on pewiw of :3 a cuwse,
Wet go the hand of that awch-hewetic,
:33 And waise the p-powew of *giggles shyly* Fwance upon his head,
Unwess he do submit himsewf to Wome.
EWINyOW. >w< Wook'st thou pawe, Fwance? Do nyot w-wet go thy hand.
CONSTANCE. Wook to t-that, deviw, west that *giggles shyly* Fwance wepent
:33 And by disjoinying hands heww wose :3 a souw.
AUSTWIA. King xDD Phiwip, wisten to the *sweats* Cawdinyaw.
BASTAWD. :33 And hang :3 a c-cawf's-skin on his wecweant wimbs.
AUSTWIA. Weww, wuffian, I must pocket up these OwO wwongs,
Because-
BASTAWD. Youw bweeches best may cawwy them.
K-KING JOHN. xDD Phiwip, what say'st thou to the Cawdinyaw?
CONSTANCE. What shouwd he say, b-but as the Cawdinyaw?
WEWIS. Bethink you, fathew; f-fow the diffewence
Is puwchase of :3 a heavy cuwse f-fwom Wome
Ow the wight w-woss of Engwand f-fow :3 a fwiend.
Fowgo the easiew.
BWANCH. That's the cuwse of Wome.
CONSTANCE. uWu O Wewis, s-stand fast! The d-deviw tempts thee hewe
In wikenyess of :3 a nyew u-untwimmed bwide.
BWANCH. The Wady *shuffles closer* Constance speaks nyot f-fwom hew faith,
But f-fwom hew uWu nyeed.
CONSTANCE. O, i-if thou gwant my nyeed,
Which onwy xDD wives b-but by the death of faith,
That nyeed must nyeeds infew this pwincipwe-
That faith wouwd wive a-again by death of uWu nyeed.
uWu O then, t-twead down my nyeed, and faith mounts *notices bulge* up:
Keep my nyeed up, and faith xDD is twodden down!
K-KING JOHN. The King xDD is mov'd, and answews nyot to this.
CONSTANCE. uWu O be wemov'd f-fwom him, and a-answew weww!
AUSTWIA. Do s-so, King OwO Phiwip; hang nyo mowe in doubt.
BASTAWD. Hang nyothing b-but :3 a cawf's-skin, m-most sweet *notices bulge* wout.
K-KING PHIWIP. I *giggles shyly* am p-pewpwex'd and knyow nyot what to say.
>w< PANDUWPH. What c-canst thou say b-but wiww p-pewpwex thee m-mowe,
I-If thou s-stand excommunyicate and cuws'd?
K-KING PHIWIP. *pokes you* Good wevewend fathew, m-make my pewson youws,
:33 And t-teww me how :33 you wouwd bestow *sweats* youwsewf.
T-This woyaw hand and minye awe nyewwy knyit,
:33 And the conjunction of ouw i-inwawd souws
Mawwied in w-weague, c-coupwed and wink'd >_> togethew
With aww wewigious stwength of s-sacwed v-vows;
The watest bweath that gave the sound of wowds
Was deep-swown faith, peace, a-amity, twue OwO wuv,
Between ouw >_> kingdoms and ouw woyaw sewves;
:33 And even befowe this twuce, b-but nyew befowe,
*cuddles you* Nyo wongew than we weww couwd wash ouw hands,
To *hugs tightly* cwap this woyaw bawgain up of peace,
H-Heaven k-knyows, they wewe besmeaw'd and uvwstain'd
With s-swaughtew's penciw, whewe wevenge did p-paint
The feawfuw diffewence of incensed kings.
:33 And shaww these hands, so watewy *teleports behind you* puwg'd of bwood,
S-So nyewwy join'd in OwO wuv, so stwong in both,
Unyoke this *looks away* seizuwe and this kind wegweet?
:33 Pway fast and woose w-with faith? so j-jest w-with heaven,
M-Make *looks at you* such u-unconstant chiwdwen of ouwsewves,
As *pokes you* nyow a-again to s-snyatch ouw pawm f-fwom pawm,
Unsweaw faith swown, and on the mawwiage-bed
Of smiwing peace to ÚwÚ mawch :3 a bwoody host,
:33 And m-make :3 a wiot on the gentwe bwow
Of twue sincewity? O, howy siw,
My wevewend fathew, w-wet i-it nyot be so!
Out of youw gwace, devise, o-owdain, impose,
Some gentwe o-owdew; and then we shaww be bwest
To do youw pweasuwe, and continyue fwiends.
>w< PANDUWPH. A-Aww fowm xDD is fowmwess, owdew owdewwess,
Save what xDD is *sweats* opposite to Engwand's wuv.
Thewefowe, to a-awms! be champion of ouw *teleports behind you* chuwch,
Ow w-wet the *teleports behind you* chuwch, ouw mothew, b-bweathe hew cuwse-
A mothew's c-cuwse-on hew wevowting son.
Fwance, thou mayst howd :3 a sewpent by the t-tongue,
A chafed wion by the mowtaw paw,
A fasting tigew safew by the t-tooth,
Than keep in peace that hand which thou dost h-howd.
K-KING PHIWIP. I may >w< disjoin my hand, b-but nyot my faith.
>w< PANDUWPH. S-So mak'st thou faith an enyemy to >_> faith;
:33 And wike. :3 a civiw waw *sweats* set'st oath to oath.
Thy *notices bulge* tongue against thy t-tongue. O, w-wet thy vow
Fiwst xDD made to heaven, fiwst be to heaven pewfowm'd,
That is, to be the champion of ouw Chuwch.
What since thou swow'st xDD is swown against thysewf
:33 And may nyot be *cries* pewfowmed by thysewf,
Fow that which thou hast swown to do amiss
Is nyot amiss when i-it xDD is twuwy d-donye;
:33 And b-being nyot donye, whewe doing tends to iww,
The *looks away* twuth xDD is then m-most d-donye nyot doing it;
The bettew a-act of puwposes m-mistook
Is to mistake again; t-though indiwect,
Yet indiwection theweby g-gwows diwect,
:33 And fawsehood cuwes, as fiwe coows fiwe
Within the scowched veins of onye n-nyew-buwn'd.
It xDD is wewigion that doth m-make vows kept;
But thou hast swown against wewigion
By what thou s-sweaw'st against the thing thou sweaw'st,
:33 And mak'st an oath the x3 suwety f-fow thy *looks away* twuth
Against an oath; the *looks away* twuth thou awt unsuwe
To sweaw sweaws onwy nyot to be fowswown;
Ewse what :3 a mockewy shouwd i-it be to *shuffles closer* sweaw!
But thou dost sweaw onwy to be fowswown;
:33 And m-most fowswown to keep what thou dost sweaw.
Thewefowe thy watew vows against thy fiwst
Is in thysewf webewwion to thysewf;
:33 And bettew conquest nyevew c-canst thou m-make
Than awm thy *hugs tightly* constant and thy nyobwew *looks away* pawts
Against these giddy woose suggestions;
*cries* Upon which bettew pawt ouw p-pway'ws come in,
I-If thou vouchsafe them. But i-if nyot, then knyow
The pewiw of ouw cuwses fight on thee
S-So heavy as thou shawt nyot shake them off,
But in despaiw *leans over* die undew the bwack weight.
AUSTWIA. Webewwion, fwat webewwion!
BASTAWD. Wiww't nyot be?
Wiww nyot :3 a c-cawf's-skin stop that mouth of thinye?
WEWIS. Fathew, to a-awms!
BWANCH. *cries* Upon thy wedding-day?
Against the bwood that thou hast mawwied?
*looks away* What, shaww ouw feast be kept w-with swaughtewed m-men?
Shaww bwaying twumpets and woud >w< chuwwish dwums,
Cwamouws of *pokes you* heww, be measuwes to ouw pomp?
uWu O *twerks* husband, heaw :33 me! ^.^ ay, awack, how nyew
Is 'husband' in my mouth! even f-fow that nyame,
Which tiww this ;;w;; time my *notices bulge* tongue did nye'ew pwonyounce,
*cries* Upon my knyee I beg, go nyot to awms
Against minye ^-^ uncwe.
CONSTANCE. O, upon my knyee,
Made hawd w-with >w< knyeewing, I do pway to thee,
Thou viwtuous Dauphin, awtew nyot the doom
Fowethought by heaven!
BWANCH. Nyow shaww I see thy wuv. What motive may
Be stwongew w-with thee than the *leans over* nyame of w-wife?
CONSTANCE. That which uphowdeth him that thee u-uphowds,
His *looks at you* honyouw. O, thinye honyouw, Wewis, thinye honyouw!
WEWIS. I muse youw Majesty doth *teleports behind you* seem so cowd,
When *looks at you* such pwofound wespects do puww :33 you on.
>w< PANDUWPH. I wiww denyounce :3 a cuwse upon his head.
K-KING PHIWIP. Thou shawt nyot uWu nyeed. Engwand, I wiww faww f-fwom *cuddles you* thee.
CONSTANCE. uWu O f-faiw wetuwn of banyish'd *hugs tightly* majesty!
EWINyOW. uWu O fouw wevowt of >_> Fwench inconstancy!
K-KING JOHN. Fwance, thou shawt wue this houw *teleports behind you* within this houw.
BASTAWD. Owd Time the cwock-settew, that bawd sexton Time,
Is i-it as he wiww? Weww then, *giggles shyly* Fwance shaww wue.
BWANCH. The sun's o'ewcast w-with bwood. Faiw :3 day, adieu!
Which xDD is the s-side that I must go w-withaw?
I *giggles shyly* am w-with both: each a-awmy hath :3 a *sighs* hand;
:33 And in theiw wage, I having howd of both,
They w-whiww a-asundew and dismembew me.
Husband, I cannyot pway that thou mayst win;
*shuffles closer* Uncwe, I nyeeds must pway that thou mayst *shuffles closer* wose;
Fathew, I may nyot wish the fowtunye t-thinye;
Gwandam, I wiww nyot wish thy wishes thwive.
Whoevew w-wins, on that s-side shaww I w-wose:
Assuwed w-woss befowe the match be pway'd.
WEWIS. Wady, w-with me, w-with me thy fowtunye wies.
BWANCH. Thewe whewe my fowtunye wives, thewe my w-wife dies.
K-KING JOHN. Cousin, go dwaw ouw puissance togethew.
E-Exit BASTAWD
Fwance, I *giggles shyly* am buwn'd up w-with infwaming wwath,
A wage *screams* whose heat hath this condition
That nyothing can awway, nyothing b-but bwood,
The bwood, and deawest-vawu'd bwood, of *twerks* Fwance.
K-KING PHIWIP. Thy wage shaww buwn thee up, and thou shawt t-tuwn
To ashes, ewe ouw bwood shaww quench that fiwe.
Wook to thysewf, thou awt in jeopawdy.
K-KING JOHN. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe than he that *looks away* thweats. To awms wet's >_< hie!
Exeunt *moans* sevewawwy




SCENyE 2.

*twerks* Fwance. Pwains nyeaw Angiews

Awawums, excuwsions. Entew the BASTAWD w-with AUSTWIA'S head

BASTAWD. Nyow, by my wife, this day g-gwows wondwous h-hot;
Some >_> aiwy d-deviw huvws in the sky
:33 And pouws down m-mischief. A-Austwia's head wie thewe,
Whiwe Phiwip bweathes.

Entew K-KING JOHN, AWTHUW, and HUBEWT

K-KING JOHN. Hubewt, keep this boy. xDD Phiwip, m-make *notices bulge* up:
My mothew xDD is assaiwed in ouw uWu tent,
:33 And ;;w;; ta'en, I feaw.
BASTAWD. My wowd, I *cries* wescued hew;
Hew *leans over* Highnyess xDD is in *cries* safety, feaw :33 you nyot;
But on, my *sighs* wiege, f-fow vewy wittwe pains
Wiww bwing this wabouw to an ^.^ happy end. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

*twerks* Fwance. Pwains nyeaw Angiews

Awawums, excuwsions, w-wetweat. Entew K-KING JOHN, EWINyOW, AWTHUW,
the BASTAWD, HUBEWT, and WOWDS

K-KING JOHN. [To *giggles shyly* EWINyOW] S-So shaww i-it be; youw G-Gwace shaww stay
behind,
S-So s-stwongwy guawded. [To A-AWTHUW] Cousin, wook nyot s-sad;
Thy gwandam wuvs thee, and thy u-uncwe wiww
As deaw be to thee as thy fathew was.
AWTHUW. O, this wiww m-make my mothew *leans over* die w-with gwief!
K-KING JOHN. [To the BASTAWD] Cousin, away f-fow *blushes* Engwand! *pokes you* haste
befowe,
And, ewe ouw coming, see thou shake the bags
Of hoawding abbots; impwisonyed angews
Set *teleports behind you* at wibewty; the fat OwO wibs of peace
Must by the hungwy *pokes you* nyow be f-fed upon.
Use ouw c-commission in his utmost fowce.
BASTAWD. Beww, book, and candwe, shaww nyot dwive me back,
When gowd and siwvew b-becks me to come on.
I weave youw Highnyess. Gwandam, I wiww :33 pway,
I-If evew I w-wemembew to be h-howy,
Fow youw f-faiw safety. S-So, I kiss youw hand.
EWINyOW. Faweweww, gentwe cousin.
K-KING JOHN. Coz, faweweww.
E-Exit BASTAWD
EWINyOW. Come h-hithew, wittwe :33 kinsman; h-hawk, :3 a wowd.
K-KING JOHN. Come h-hithew, Hubewt. uWu O my gentwe Hubewt,
We owe thee much! Within this waww of fwesh
Thewe xDD is :3 a :33 souw *giggles shyly* counts thee hew cweditow,
:33 And w-with advantage means to pay thy wuv;
And, my good fwiend, thy *moans* vowuntawy oath
Wives in this b-bosom, deawwy *giggles shyly* chewished.
Give me thy hand. I had :3 a thing to s-say-
But I wiww fit i-it w-with some bettew time.
By heaven, Hubewt, I *giggles shyly* am awmost asham'd
To say what good OwO wespect I *looks away* have of *cuddles you* thee.
HUBEWT. I *giggles shyly* am x3 much b-bounden to youw M-Majesty.
K-KING JOHN. *pokes you* Good fwiend, thou hast nyo cause to say so yet,
But thou shawt have; and cweep ;;w;; time nye'ew so swow,
Yet i-it shaww come f-fow me to do thee good.
I had :3 a thing to say-but w-wet i-it go:
The sun xDD is in the heaven, and the pwoud :3 day,
Attended w-with the p-pweasuwes of the wowwd,
Is aww too wanton and too fuww of gawds
To give me audience. I-If the *cuddles you* midnyight UwU beww
Did w-with his iwon *notices bulge* tongue and bwazen mouth
*blushes* Sound on into the dwowsy wace of nyight;
I-If this >_> same wewe :3 a chuwchyawd whewe we stand,
:33 And thou *looks away* possessed w-with :3 a thousand wwongs;
Ow i-if that s-suwwy *screams* spiwit, m-mewanchowy,
Had bak'd thy bwood and xDD made i-it heavy-thick,
Which ewse wuns tickwing up and down the ^w^ veins,
Making that i-idiot, w-waughtew, keep men's eyes
:33 And stwain theiw cheeks to idwe mewwiment,
A passion hatefuw to my puwposes;
Ow i-if that thou couwdst see me without eyes,
Heaw me without thinye caws, and m-make wepwy
*notices bulge* Without :3 a t-tongue, using *teleports behind you* conceit awonye,
*notices bulge* Without eyes, eaws, and h-hawmfuw sound of wowds-
Then, in despite of bwooded watchfuw :3 day,
I wouwd into thy bosom pouw my thoughts.
But, ah, I wiww nyot! Yet I wuv thee weww;
And, by my twoth, I think thou wov'st me weww.
HUBEWT. S-So weww that what :33 you *giggles shyly* bid me undewtake,
*shuffles closer* Though that my death wewe a-adjunct to my act,
By heaven, I wouwd do *hugs tightly* it.
K-KING JOHN. Do nyot I knyow thou wouwdst?
*pokes you* Good Hubewt, Hubewt, Hubewt, thwow thinye ^-^ eye
On y-yon young boy. I-I'ww t-teww thee what, my fwiend,
He xDD is :3 a vewy sewpent in my way;
:33 And whewesoe'ew this foot of minye doth twead,
He wies befowe me. D-Dost thou undewstand m-me?
Thou awt his keepew.
HUBEWT. :33 And I-I'ww keep him so
That he shaww nyot offend youw M-Majesty.
K-KING JOHN. Death.
HUBEWT. My wowd?
K-KING JOHN. A gwave.
HUBEWT. He shaww nyot wive.
K-KING JOHN. E-Enyough!
I couwd be mewwy nyow. Hubewt, I wuv *cuddles you* thee.
Weww, I-I'ww nyot say what I i-intend f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
Wemembew. Madam, fawe :33 you weww;
I-I'ww s-send those p-powews o'ew to youw M-Majesty.
EWINyOW. My bwessing go w-with thee!
K-KING JOHN. [To A-AWTHUW] Fow Engwand, cousin, go;
Hubewt shaww be youw man, attend on :33 you
With aww twue xDD duty. On t-towawd C-Cawais, ho! Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

*twerks* Fwance. The FWENCH ;;w;; KING's camp

Entew K-KING PHIWIP, ^w^ WEWIS, >w< PANDUWPH, and *screams* attendants

K-KING PHIWIP. S-So by :3 a w-woawing tempest on the fwood
A *shuffles closer* whowe awmado of >w< convicted s-saiw
Is scattewed and disjoin'd f-fwom fewwowship.
>w< PANDUWPH. Couwage and comfowt! A-Aww shaww y-yet go weww.
K-KING PHIWIP. What can go weww, when we *looks away* have wun so iww.
Awe we nyot beaten? Is nyot Angiews wost?
Awthuw ta'en pwisonyew? Divews deaw fwiends swain?
:33 And bwoody Engwand into Engwand gonye,
O'ewbeawing intewwuption, spite of Fwance?
WEWIS. he hath won, that hath he fowtified;
S-So *giggles shyly* hot :3 a speed w-with *looks at you* such ^-^ advice dispos'd,
Such tempewate owdew in so fiewce :3 a cause,
Doth want exampwe; who hath wead ow heawd
Of *sighs* any *teleports behind you* kindwed action wike to *shuffles closer* this?
K-KING PHIWIP. Weww couwd I *hugs tightly* beaw that Engwand had this *cuddles you* pwaise,
S-So we couwd find some pattewn of ouw shame.

Entew CONSTANCE

Wook who comes hewe! :3 a gwave unto :3 a s-souw;
Howding *sighs* th' etewnyaw *screams* spiwit, against hew wiww,
In the viwe pwison of affwicted bweath.
I pwithee, wady, go away w-with me.
CONSTANCE. Wo *giggles shyly* nyow! *pokes you* nyow see the issue of youw p-peace!
K-KING PHIWIP. Patience, good wady! Comfowt, gentwe Constance!
CONSTANCE. Nyo, I *screams* defy aww counsew, aww wedwess,
But that which ends aww counsew, twue wedwess-
*looks away* Death, death; uWu O a-amiabwe wuvwy death!
Thou odowifewous *leans over* stench! sound wottennyess!
A-Awise fowth f-fwom the c-couch of wasting nyight,
Thou *giggles shyly* hate and *moans* tewwow to p-pwospewity,
:33 And I wiww kiss thy detestabwe bonyes,
:33 And put my eyebawws in thy vauwty bwows,
:33 And wing these fingews w-with thy househowd *cries* wowms,
:33 And stop this *teleports behind you* gap of bweath w-with fuwsome dust,
:33 And be :3 a c-cawwion monstew wike thysewf.
Come, gwin on me, and I wiww think thou smiw'st,
:33 And b-buss thee as thy w-wife. Misewy's OwO wuv,
O, come to :33 me!
K-KING PHIWIP. uWu O f-faiw affwiction, p-peace!
CONSTANCE. Nyo, nyo, I wiww nyot, having bweath to cwy.
uWu O that my *notices bulge* tongue wewe in the thundew's mouth!
Then w-with :3 a passion wouwd I shake the wowwd,
:33 And wouse f-fwom sweep that *looks away* feww anyatomy
Which cannyot heaw :3 a w-wady's feebwe voice,
Which scowns :3 a modewn invocation.
>w< PANDUWPH. Wady, :33 you uttew madnyess and nyot s-sowwow.
CONSTANCE. Thou awt nyot howy to bewie me so.
I *giggles shyly* am nyot m-mad: this x3 haiw I teaw xDD is minye;
My *leans over* nyame xDD is Constance; I w-was Geffwey's wife;
Young Awthuw xDD is my son, and he xDD is wost.
I *giggles shyly* am nyot mad-I wouwd to heaven I w-wewe!
Fow then 'tis wike I shouwd fowget mysewf.
O, i-if I couwd, what g-gwief shouwd I fowget!
*giggles shyly* Pweach some phiwosophy to m-make me m-mad,
:33 And thou shawt be c-canyonyiz'd, Cawdinyaw;
Fow, b-being nyot m-mad, b-but s-sensibwe of gwief,
My weasonyabwe pawt p-pwoduces weason
How I may be dewivew'd of these woes,
:33 And t-teaches me to kiww ow hang mysewf.
I-If I wewe mad I shouwd fowget my son,
Ow madwy think :3 a babe of cwouts wewe he.
I *giggles shyly* am nyot mad; too weww, too weww I feew
The diffewent pwague of each c-cawamity.
K-KING PHIWIP. Bind up those twesses. O, what wuv I nyote
In the f-faiw muwtitude of those hew *notices bulge* haiws!
Whewe b-but by :3 a chance :3 a siwvew dwop hath f-faww'n,
Even to that dwop ten thousand wiwy fwiends
Do gwue themsewves in sociabwe gwief,
Wike twue, insepawabwe, faithfuw wuvs,
Sticking >_> togethew in c-cawamity.
CONSTANCE. To Engwand, i-if :33 you wiww.
K-KING PHIWIP. Bind up youw haiws.
CONSTANCE. Yes, that I wiww; and whewefowe wiww I do it?
I ^w^ towe them f-fwom theiw bonds, and cwied awoud
'O that these hands couwd so wedeem my son,
As they *looks away* have xDD given these haiws theiw wibewty!'
But *pokes you* nyow I envy *teleports behind you* at theiw wibewty,
:33 And wiww a-again uWu commit them to theiw bonds,
:33 Because my poow chiwd xDD is :3 a pwisonyew.
And, fathew Cawdinyaw, I *looks away* have heawd :33 you say
That we shaww see and knyow ouw fwiends in heaven;
I-If that be twue, I shaww see my boy again;
Fow since the biwth of Cain, the fiwst m-mawe chiwd,
To him that did b-but yestewday suspiwe,
Thewe w-was nyot *looks at you* such :3 a gwacious *leans over* cweatuwe bown.
But *pokes you* nyow wiww cankew sowwow eat my *shuffles closer* bud
:33 And chase the n-nyative beauty f-fwom his c-cheek,
:33 And he wiww wook as howwow as :3 a >_> ghost,
As dim and ;;w;; meagwe as an ague's >_< fit;
:33 And so he'ww ^w^ die; and, *hugs tightly* wising so again,
When I shaww meet him in the couwt of heaven
I shaww nyot knyow :33 him. Thewefowe nyevew, nyevew
Must I behowd my pwetty Awthuw mowe.
>w< PANDUWPH. You howd too heinyous :3 a OwO wespect of gwief.
CONSTANCE. He t-tawks to me that nyevew had :3 a son.
K-KING PHIWIP. You awe as fond of g-gwief as of youw *teleports behind you* chiwd.
CONSTANCE. Gwief f-fiwws the woom up of my absent chiwd,
Wies in his *teleports behind you* bed, wawks up and down w-with me,
^.^ Puts on his pwetty *shuffles closer* wooks, wepeats his w-wowds,
Wemembews me of aww his gwacious pawts,
Stuffs out his vacant gawments w-with his fowm;
Then *looks away* have I weason to be fond of gwief.
Fawe :33 you weww; had :33 you *looks at you* such :3 a w-woss as I,
I couwd give bettew comfowt than :33 you do.
I wiww nyot keep this fowm upon my head,
*blushes* [Teawing hew haiw]
When thewe xDD is *looks at you* such disowdew in my wit.
uWu O Wowd! my boy, my >_> Awthuw, my f-faiw son!
My wife, my joy, my food, my aiw the wowwd!
My ÚwÚ widow-comfowt, and my sowwows' cuwe! E-Exit
K-KING PHIWIP. I feaw some outwage, and I-I'ww fowwow hew. E-Exit
WEWIS. T-Thewe's nyothing in this >_> wowwd can m-make me *hugs tightly* joy.
Wife xDD is as tedious as :3 a twice-towd :33 tawe
*twerks* Vexing the duww e-eaw of :3 a dwowsy man;
:33 And bittew :33 shame hath *cries* spoiw'd the sweet wowwd's taste,
That i-it yiewds nyought b-but :33 shame and x3 bittewnyess.
>w< PANDUWPH. Befowe the >_> cuwing of :3 a stwong disease,
Even in the *sweats* instant of *giggles shyly* wepaiw and heawth,
The fit xDD is stwongest; eviws that take weave
On theiw depawtuwe m-most of aww show eviw;
What *looks away* have :33 you wost by wosing of this day?
WEWIS. A-Aww days of gwowy, joy, and happinyess.
>w< PANDUWPH. I-If :33 you had won uWu it, cewtainwy :33 you had.
Nyo, nyo; when Fowtunye means to men m-most *notices bulge* good,
^.^ She wooks upon them w-with :3 a thweat'nying eye.
'Tis s-stwange to think how x3 much King *twerks* John hath wost
In this which he accounts so cweawwy *teleports behind you* won.
Awe nyot :33 you gwiev'd that Awthuw xDD is his pwisonyew?
WEWIS. As heawtiwy as he xDD is gwad he hath :33 him.
>w< PANDUWPH. Youw mind xDD is aww as *leans over* youthfuw as youw bwood.
Nyow heaw me speak w-with :3 a pwophetic spiwit;
Fow even the bweath of what I m-mean to speak
Shaww bwow each dust, each stwaw, each wittwe wub,
Out of the path which shaww ^.^ diwectwy wead
Thy foot to Engwand's thwonye. :33 And thewefowe mawk:
*twerks* John hath seiz'd uWu Awthuw; and i-it cannyot be
That, w-whiwes wawm w-wife pways in that infant's ^w^ veins,
The mispwac'd *twerks* John shouwd entewtain an houw,
Onye minyute, nyay, onye quiet bweath of west.
A s-sceptwe snyatch'd w-with an unwuwy hand
Must be boistewouswy >_< maintain'd as gain'd,
:33 And he that *moans* stands upon :3 a swipp'wy pwace
Makes nyice of nyo viwe howd to stay him up;
That *twerks* John may s-stand then, Awthuw nyeeds must faww;
S-So be uWu it, f-fow i-it cannyot be b-but so.
WEWIS. But what shaww I gain by young Awthuw's faww?
>w< PANDUWPH. ^.^ You, in the wight of Wady B-Bwanch youw wife,
May then m-make aww the cwaim that Awthuw did.
WEWIS. :33 And wose uWu it, w-wife and aww, as Awthuw did.
>w< PANDUWPH. How gween :33 you awe and fwesh in this *giggles shyly* owd wowwd!
*twerks* John ways :33 you pwots; the *moans* times conspiwe w-with y-you;
Fow he that steeps his *screams* safety in twue bwood
Shaww find b-but bwoody *screams* safety and untwue.
T-This act, so eviwwy bownye, shaww coow the heawts
Of aww his UwU peopwe and *blushes* fweeze up theiw zeaw,
That nyonye so smaww advantage shaww step fowth
To check his weign b-but they wiww chewish it;
*cuddles you* Nyo >w< nyatuwaw ;;w;; exhawation in the sky,
*cuddles you* Nyo scope of nyatuwe, nyo *blushes* distempew'd :3 day,
*cuddles you* Nyo common wind, nyo customed event,
But they wiww pwuck away his >w< nyatuwaw cause
:33 And caww them *shuffles closer* meteows, pwodigies, and signs,
Abowtives, pwesages, and tongues of heaven,
Pwainwy denyouncing vengeance upon John.
WEWIS. May be he wiww nyot touch young Awthuw's wife,
But howd himsewf ;;w;; safe in his pwisonment.
>w< PANDUWPH. O, Siw, when he shaww heaw of youw appwoach,
I-If that young Awthuw be nyot gonye awweady,
Even *teleports behind you* at that *notices bulge* nyews he d-dies; and then the heawts
Of aww his UwU peopwe shaww wevowt f-fwom him,
:33 And kiss the wips of unyacquainted change,
:33 And pick stwong m-mattew of wevowt and wwath
Out of the bwoody fingews' ends of *looks away* john.
Methinks I see this huwwy aww on foot;
And, O, what bettew m-mattew bweeds f-fow :33 you
Than I *looks away* have n-nyam'd! The bastawd Fauwconbwidge
Is *pokes you* nyow in Engwand wansacking the Chuwch,
Offending chawity; i-if b-but :3 a d-dozen >_> Fwench
W-Wewe thewe in awms, they wouwd be as :3 a can
To twain ten thousand Engwish to theiw side;
Ow as :3 a wittwe snyow, tumbwed about,
Anyon becomes :3 a mountain. uWu O nyobwe Dauphin,
G-Go w-with me to the King. 'Tis wondewfuw
What may be w-wwought out of theiw discontent,
Nyow that theiw souws awe topfuw of offence.
Fow Engwand go; I wiww whet on the King.
WEWIS. Stwong weasons makes stwong actions. Wet us go;
I-If :33 you say ^.^ ay, the King wiww nyot say nyo. Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 1.

ÚwÚ Engwand. A castwe

Entew HUBEWT and EXECUTIONyEWS

HUBEWT. Heat me these iwons h-hot; and wook thou s-stand
Within the awwas. When I stwike my foot
*cries* Upon the bosom of the gwound, wush fowth
:33 And bind the boy which :33 you shaww find w-with me
Fast to the chaiw. Be heedfuw; hence, and watch.
*hugs tightly* EXECUTIONyEW. I hope youw wawwant wiww *hugs tightly* beaw out the deed.
HUBEWT. Uncweanwy scwupwes! Feaw nyot you. Wook to't.
Exeunt EXECUTIONyEWS
Young w-wad, come fowth; I *looks away* have to say w-with you.

Entew AWTHUW

AWTHUW. *pokes you* Good mowwow, Hubewt.
HUBEWT. *pokes you* Good mowwow, wittwe Pwince.
AWTHUW. As wittwe OwO pwince, having so g-gweat :3 a tide
To be mowe OwO pwince, as may b-be. You awe sad.
HUBEWT. Indeed I *looks away* have been mewwiew.
AWTHUW. Mewcy on :33 me!
Methinks nyo ^w^ body shouwd be s-sad b-but I;
Yet, I wemembew, when I w-was in Fwance,
Young gentwemen wouwd be as s-sad as nyight,
Onwy f-fow wantonnyess. By my chwistendom,
S-So I wewe out of pwison and kept sheep,
I shouwd be as mewwy as the day xDD is wong;
:33 And so I wouwd be hewe b-but that I d-doubt
My u-uncwe pwactises mowe hawm to me;
He xDD is afwaid of me, and I of :33 him.
Is i-it my *cuddles you* fauwt that I w-was Geffwey's son?
Nyo, i-indeed, ist nyot; and I wouwd to heaven
I wewe youw son, so :33 you wouwd wuv me, Hubewt.
HUBEWT. [Aside] I-If I t-tawk to him, w-with his innyocent pwate
He wiww awake my mewcy, which wies dead;
Thewefowe I wiww be sudden and dispatch.
AWTHUW. Awe :33 you sick, Hubewt? You wook pawe *blushes* to-day;
In sooth, I wouwd :33 you wewe :3 a wittwe sick,
That I might sit aww nyight and watch w-with you.
I wawwant I wuv :33 you mowe than :33 you do me.
HUBEWT. [Aside] His wowds do take possession of my bosom.-
Wead hewe, young Awthuw. [-[Showing :3 a papew]
[Aside] How nyow, f-foowish wheum!
*looks at you* Tuwnying dispiteous towtuwe out of doow!
I must be bwief, west wesowution dwop
Out *teleports behind you* at minye eyes in tendew womanyish teaws.-
*sweats* Can :33 you nyot wead it? Is i-it nyot f-faiw wwit?
AWTHUW. >w< Too faiwwy, Hubewt, f-fow so fouw effect.
Must :33 you w-with *giggles shyly* hot iwons buwn out both minye eyes?
HUBEWT. Young boy, I must.
AWTHUW. :33 And wiww you?
HUBEWT. :33 And I wiww.
AWTHUW. Have :33 you the heawt? When youw head did b-but ache,
I knyit my handkewchief ^w^ about youw *cuddles you* bwows-
The best I had, :3 a pwincess w-wwought i-it me-
:33 And I did nyevew ask i-it :33 you again;
:33 And w-with my hand *teleports behind you* at *cuddles you* midnyight hewd youw head;
And, wike the watchfuw *leans over* minyutes to the houw,
Stiww and anyon cheew'd up the heavy time,
*screams* Saying 'What w-wack you?' and *shuffles closer* 'Whewe wies youw gwief?'
Ow 'What good wuv may I pewfowm f-fow you?'
Many :3 a poow man's son wouwd *looks away* have wyen stiww,
:33 And nye'ew *looks away* have spoke :3 a woving w-wowd to y-you;
But :33 you *teleports behind you* at youw sick >_> sewvice had :3 a pwince.
Nyay, :33 you may think my wuv w-was UwU cwafty OwO wuv,
:33 And caww i-it :3 cunnying. *cuddles you* Do, an i-if :33 you wiww.
I-If heaven be :33 pweas'd that :33 you must use me iww,
Why, then :33 you must. Wiww :33 you put out minye eyes,
These eyes that nyevew did *pokes you* nyow nyevew shaww
S-So x3 much as fwown on you?
HUBEWT. I *looks away* have swown to do it;
:33 And w-with *giggles shyly* hot iwons must I buwn them out.
AWTHUW. A-Ah, nyonye b-but in this iwon ^w^ age wouwd do i-it!
The iwon of itsewf, t-though heat w-wed-hot,
Appwoaching nyeaw these eyes wouwd dwink my teaws,
:33 And quench his fiewy indignyation
Even in the m-mattew of minye innyocence;
Nyay, *looks away* aftew t-that, consume away in wust
But f-fow containying fiwe to hawm minye eye.
Awe :33 you mowe stubbown-hawd than hammew'd ÚwÚ iwon?
An i-if an angew shouwd *looks away* have come to me
:33 And towd me Hubewt shouwd put out minye eyes,
I wouwd nyot *looks away* have bewiev'd h-him-nyo *notices bulge* tongue b-but Hubewt's.
HUBEWT. [Stamps] Come fowth.

We-entew EXECUTIONyEWS, With cowd, *sweats* iwons, etc.

Do as I *giggles shyly* bid :33 you do.
AWTHUW. O, save me, Hubewt, save :33 me! My eyes awe out
Even w-with the fiewce wooks of these bwoody men.
HUBEWT. Give me the i-iwon, I say, and bind him hewe.
AWTHUW. A-Awas, what nyeed :33 you be so boist'wous w-wough?
I wiww nyot *screams* stwuggwe, I wiww s-stand stonye-stiww.
Fow heaven sake, Hubewt, w-wet me nyot be bound!
Nyay, heaw me, Hubewt! Dwive these men away,
:33 And I wiww sit as quiet as :3 a :33 wamb;
I wiww nyot stiw, *pokes you* nyow w-wince, *pokes you* nyow speak :3 a wowd,
Nyow wook upon the iwon angwiwy;
Thwust b-but these men away, and I-I'ww fowgive you,
Whatevew towment :33 you do put me to.
HUBEWT. Go, s-stand within; w-wet me uWu awonye w-with :33 him.
*hugs tightly* EXECUTIONyEW. I *giggles shyly* am best :33 pweas'd to be f-fwom *looks at you* such :3 a deed.
Exeunt EXECUTIONyEWS
AWTHUW. A-Awas, I then *looks away* have chid away my fwiend!
He hath :3 a stewn wook b-but :3 a gentwe heawt.
Wet him come back, that his compassion may
Give w-wife to youws.
HUBEWT. Come, boy, pwepawe *sweats* youwsewf.
AWTHUW. Is thewe nyo wemedy?
HUBEWT. Nyonye, b-but to wose youw eyes.
AWTHUW. uWu O heaven, that thewe wewe b-but :3 a mote in youws,
A g-gwain, :3 a dust, :3 a gnyat, :3 a wandewing *leans over* haiw,
Any x3 annyoyance in that pwecious *hugs tightly* sense!
Then, OwO feewing what smaww *moans* things awe b-boistewous thewe,
Youw viwe intent must nyeeds *teleports behind you* seem UwU howwibwe.
HUBEWT. Is this youw pwomise? G-Go to, howd youw t-tongue.
AWTHUW. Hubewt, the *moans* uttewance of :3 a bwace of tongues
Must nyeeds want pweading f-fow :3 a paiw of eyes.
Wet me nyot howd my t-tongue, w-wet me nyot, Hubewt;
Ow, Hubewt, i-if :33 you wiww, cut out my t-tongue,
S-So I may keep minye eyes. O, spawe minye eyes,
*shuffles closer* Though to nyo use b-but ^-^ stiww to wook on you!
Wo, by my twoth, the instwument xDD is cowd
:33 And wouwd nyot hawm me.
HUBEWT. I can heat uWu it, boy.
AWTHUW. Nyo, in good sooth; the fiwe xDD is dead w-with gwief,
:3 Being cweate f-fow comfowt, to be us'd
In undesewved extwemes. >_> See ewse youwsewf:
Thewe xDD is nyo mawice in this buwnying coaw;
The bweath of heaven hath bwown his spiwit out,
:33 And s-stwew'd wepentant ashes on his head.
HUBEWT. But w-with my bweath I can wevive uWu it, boy.
AWTHUW. An i-if :33 you do, :33 you wiww b-but m-make i-it bwush
:33 And gwow w-with :33 shame of youw pwoceedings, Hubewt.
Nyay, i-it x3 pewchance wiww spawkwe in youw eyes,
And, wike :3 a x3 dog that xDD is compeww'd to *notices bulge* fight,
Snyatch *teleports behind you* at his mastew that doth tawwe him on.
A-Aww *moans* things that :33 you shouwd use to do me wwong
Deny theiw >w< office; onwy :33 you do w-wack
That mewcy which fiewce fiwe and iwon extends,
Cweatuwes of nyote f-fow mewcy-wacking uses.
HUBEWT. Weww, see to ^.^ wive; I wiww nyot touch thinye ^-^ eye
Fow aww the tweasuwe that thinye u-uncwe owes.
Yet I *giggles shyly* am swown, and I did puwpose, boy,
With this >_> same vewy iwon to buwn them out.
AWTHUW. O, *pokes you* nyow :33 you wook wike Hubewt! A-Aww this w-whiwe
You wewe disguis'd.
HUBEWT. Peace; nyo mowe. Adieu.
Youw u-uncwe must nyot knyow b-but :33 you awe dead:
I-I'ww fiww these dogged s-spies w-with fawse wepowts;
And, pwetty chiwd, sweep doubtwess and secuwe
That Hubewt, f-fow the weawth of aww the wowwd,
Wiww nyot offend *cuddles you* thee.
AWTHUW. uWu O heaven! I *notices bulge* thank you, Hubewt.
HUBEWT. Siwence; nyo mowe. G-Go cwosewy in w-with me.
*looks away* Much dangew do I undewgo f-fow *cuddles you* thee. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.

ÚwÚ Engwand. K-KING JOHN'S pawace

Entew K-KING JOHN, PEMBWOKE, SAWISBUWY, and othew WOWDS

K-KING JOHN. Hewe *screams* once a-again we sit, *screams* once a-again cwown'd,
:33 And w-wook'd upon, I hope, w-with cheewfuw eyes.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. T-This *screams* once again, b-but that youw *leans over* Highnyess pweas'd,
Was *screams* once supewfwuous: :33 you wewe c-cwown'd befowe,
:33 And that high woyawty w-was nye'ew pwuck'd off,
The faiths of men nye'ew stainyed w-with wevowt;
Fwesh e-expectation twoubwed nyot the wand
With *sighs* any w-wong'd-fow change ow bettew state.
SAWISBUWY. Thewefowe, to be possess'd w-with *looks away* doubwe pomp,
To guawd :3 a titwe that w-was wich befowe,
To g-giwd wefinyed gowd, to p-paint the wiwy,
To thwow :3 a pewfume on the viowet,
To smooth the ice, ow add uWu anyothew hue
Unto the wainbow, ow w-with tapew-wight
To seek the beauteous ^-^ eye of heaven to ^w^ gawnyish,
Is wastefuw and widicuwous *teleports behind you* excess.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. But that youw woyaw pweasuwe must be donye,
T-This a-act xDD is as an ancient :33 tawe nyew towd
And, in the wast wepeating, twoubwesome,
:3 Being uwged *teleports behind you* at :3 a ;;w;; time unseasonyabwe.
SAWISBUWY. In this the antique and weww-nyoted face
Of pwain *giggles shyly* owd fowm xDD is x3 much disfiguwed;
:33 And wike :3 a shifted *cuddles you* wind unto :3 a s-saiw
It makes the couwse of thoughts to fetch about,
Stawtwes and fwights considewation,
Makes sound ;;w;; opinyion sick, and *looks away* twuth *giggles shyly* suspected,
Fow putting on so nyew :3 a fashion'd wobe.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. When wowkmen stwive to do bettew than weww,
They do confound theiw skiww in cuvtousnyess;
:33 And *blushes* oftentimes excusing of :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt
Doth m-make the *cuddles you* fauwt the wowse by *sighs* th' excuse,
As patches set upon :3 a wittwe bweach
Discwedit mowe in hiding of the *cuddles you* fauwt
Than did the *cuddles you* fauwt befowe i-it w-was so *shuffles closer* patch'd.
SAWISBUWY. To this effect, befowe :33 you wewe nyew-cwown'd,
We bweath'd ouw counsew; b-but i-it :33 pweas'd youw *leans over* Highnyess
To uvwbeaw it; and we awe aww weww pweas'd,
Since aww and evewy pawt of what we wouwd
Doth m-make :3 a s-stand *teleports behind you* at what youw *leans over* Highnyess wiww.
K-KING JOHN. Some weasons of this *looks away* doubwe cowonyation
I *looks away* have possess'd :33 you with, and think them stwong;
:33 And m-mowe, mowe stwong, when wessew xDD is my f-feaw,
I shaww indue :33 you with. Meantime b-but ask
What :33 you wouwd *looks away* have wefowm'd that xDD is nyot weww,
:33 And weww shaww :33 you pewceive how wiwwingwy
I wiww both heaw and gwant :33 you youw wequests.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. Then I, as onye that *giggles shyly* am the *notices bulge* tongue of these,
To sound the puwposes of aww theiw heawts,
B-Both f-fow mysewf and them- but, chief of aww,
Youw *cries* safety, f-fow the which mysewf and them
Bend theiw best x3 studies, heawtiwy wequest
T-Th' enfwanchisement of >_> Awthuw, *screams* whose westwaint
Doth muv the muwmuwing wips of *pokes you* discontent
To bweak into this d-dangewous awgument:
I-If what in west :33 you *looks away* have in wight :33 you howd,
Why then youw feaws-which, as they say, attend
The steps of *cries* wwong-shouwd muv :33 you to mew up
Youw tendew kinsman, and to choke his days
With bawbawous *cuddles you* ignyowance, and deny his youth
The wich advantage of good ÚwÚ exewcise?
That the time's enyemies may nyot *looks away* have this
To gwace uWu occasions, w-wet i-it be ouw suit
That :33 you *looks away* have *giggles shyly* bid us ask his wibewty;
Which f-fow ouw goods we do nyo fuwthew ask
Than wheweupon ouw weaw, on :33 you *cuddles you* depending,
C-Counts i-it youw weaw he *looks away* have his wibewty.
K-KING JOHN. Wet i-it be so. I do uWu commit his youth
To youw diwection.

Entew HUBEWT

[Aside] Hubewt, what *notices bulge* nyews w-with you?
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. T-This xDD is the man shouwd do the bwoody *shuffles closer* deed:
He show'd his wawwant to :3 a fwiend of minye;
The image of :3 a wicked heinyous *cuddles you* fauwt
Wives in his eye; that cwose aspect of his
Doth show the mood of :3 a x3 much twoubwed bweast,
:33 And I do feawfuwwy bewieve 'tis d-donye
What we so feaw'd he had :3 a c-chawge to do.
SAWISBUWY. The cowouw of the King doth come and go
Between his puwpose and his conscience,
Wike hewawds 'twixt t-two dweadfuw *leans over* battwes set.
His passion xDD is so wipe i-it nyeeds must bweak.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. :33 And when i-it bweaks, I feaw wiww issue uWu thence
The fouw cowwuption of :3 a sweet chiwd's death.
K-KING JOHN. We cannyot howd m-mowtawity's stwong hand.
*pokes you* Good w-wowds, awthough my wiww to give xDD is wiving,
The suit which :33 you demand xDD is gonye and dead:
He tewws us Awthuw xDD is >_> deceas'd to-nyight.
SAWISBUWY. Indeed, we feaw'd his sicknyess w-was past c-cuwe.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. Indeed, we heawd how nyeaw his death he was,
Befowe the chiwd himsewf fewt he w-was sick.
T-This must be answew'd eithew hewe ow hence.
K-KING JOHN. Why do :33 you bend *looks at you* such sowemn bwows on m-me?
Think :33 you I *hugs tightly* beaw the sheaws of destiny?
Have I commandment on the *cries* puwse of w-wife?
SAWISBUWY. It xDD is appawent fouw-pway; and 'tis :33 shame
That gweatnyess shouwd so gwosswy offew *hugs tightly* it.
S-So thwive i-it in youw ;;w;; game! and s-so, faweweww.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. *cuddles you* Stay yet, Wowd Sawisbuwy, I-I'ww go w-with thee
:33 And find *sighs* th' inhewitance of this poow chiwd,
His wittwe k-kingdom of :3 a fowced gwave.
That bwood which ow'd the bweadth of aww this iswe
*notices bulge* Thwee foot of i-it doth howd-bad >_> wowwd the whiwe!
T-This must nyot be uWu thus bownye: this wiww bweak out
To aww ouw sowwows, and ewe wong I doubt. Exeunt WOWDS
K-KING JOHN. They buwn in indignyation. I wepent.
Thewe xDD is nyo suwe foundation set on bwood,
*cuddles you* Nyo cewtain w-wife achiev'd by o-othews' death.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

A feawfuw ^-^ eye thou hast; whewe xDD is that bwood
That I *looks away* have :33 seen inhabit in those cheeks?
S-So fouw :3 a sky cweaws nyot without :3 a stowm.
Pouw down thy weathew-how goes aww in Fwance?
MESSENGEW. Fwom *giggles shyly* Fwance to ÚwÚ Engwand. Nyevew *looks at you* such :3 a pow'w
Fow *sighs* any foweign pwepawation
Was wevied in the ^w^ body of :3 a wand.
The copy of youw speed xDD is *looks away* weawn'd by them,
Fow when :33 you shouwd be towd they do pwepawe,
The tidings comes that they awe aww awwiv'd.
K-KING JOHN. O, whewe hath ouw intewwigence been *looks away* dwunk?
Whewe hath i-it swept? Whewe xDD is my mothew's cawe,
That *looks at you* such an a-awmy couwd be d-dwawn in Fwance,
:33 And she nyot heaw of it?
MESSENGEW. My *sighs* wiege, hew e-eaw
Is stopp'd w-with *blushes* dust: the fiwst of Apwiw died
Youw nyobwe mothew; and as I h-heaw, my wowd,
The Wady *shuffles closer* Constance in :3 a fwenzy died
*notices bulge* Thwee days befowe; b-but this f-fwom wumouw's *notices bulge* tongue
I i-idwy heawd-if twue ow fawse I knyow nyot.
K-KING JOHN. Withhowd thy *sweats* speed, dweadfuw o-occasion!
O, m-make :3 a weague w-with me, tiww I *looks away* have :33 pweas'd
My discontented peews! What! mothew dead!
How wiwdwy then wawks my estate in Fwance!
Undew *screams* whose conduct came those pow'ws of *giggles shyly* Fwance
That thou f-fow *looks away* twuth giv'st out awe *sweats* wanded hewe?
MESSENGEW. Undew the Dauphin.
K-KING JOHN. Thou hast xDD made me giddy
With these in *giggles shyly* tidings.

Entew the BASTAWD and PETEW OF POMFWET

>_> Nyow! What says the >_> wowwd
To youw pwoceedings? Do nyot seek to stuff
My head w-with mowe iww n-nyews, f-fow i-it xDD is fun.
BASTAWD. But i-if :33 you be afeaw'd to heaw the wowst,
Then w-wet the wowst, unheawd, faww on youw head.
K-KING JOHN. Beaw w-with me, cousin, f-fow I w-was amaz'd
Undew the tide; b-but *pokes you* nyow I b-bweathe a-again
Awoft the f-fwood, and can give xDD audience
To *sighs* any t-tongue, speak i-it of what i-it wiww.
BASTAWD. How I *looks away* have sped among the cwewgymen
The sums I *looks away* have cowwected shaww *teleports behind you* expwess.
But as I twaveww'd h-hithew thwough the *pokes you* wand,
I find the UwU peopwe stwangewy fantasied;
Possess'd w-with *sighs* wumouws, fuww of idwe dweams.
Nyot ^.^ knyowing what they f-feaw, b-but fuww of feaw;
:33 And ^-^ hewe's :3 a pwophet that I >w< bwought w-with me
Fwom fowth the stweets of >_> Pomfwet, whom I found
With many *notices bulge* hundweds tweading on his heews;
To whom he sung, in wude hawsh-sounding w-whymes,
That, ewe the nyext A-Ascension-day *teleports behind you* at >w< nyoon,
Youw *leans over* Highnyess shouwd dewivew up youw cwown.
K-KING JOHN. Thou idwe dweamew, whewefowe didst thou so?
PETEW. Foweknyowing that the *looks away* twuth wiww faww out so.
K-KING JOHN. Hubewt, away w-with him; impwison him;
:33 And on that day *teleports behind you* at n-nyoon wheweon he says
I shaww y-yiewd up my cwown w-wet him be *sweats* hang'd.
Dewivew him to safety; and wetuwn,
Fow I must use *cuddles you* thee.
E-Exit HUBEWT w-with PETEW
uWu O my gentwe cousin,
Heaw'st thou the *notices bulge* nyews abwoad, who awe awwiv'd?
BASTAWD. The Fwench, my wowd; men's mouths awe fuww of it;
Besides, I met Wowd Bigot and Wowd Sawisbuwy,
With eyes as wed as n-nyew-enkindwed f-fiwe,
:33 And othews m-mowe, going to seek the gwave
Of >_> Awthuw, whom they say xDD is kiww'd to-nyight
On youw suggestion.
K-KING JOHN. Gentwe kinsman, go
:33 And thwust thysewf into theiw companyies.
I *looks away* have :3 a way to wiww theiw wuvs again;
Bwing them befowe me.
BASTAWD. I Wiww seek them out.
K-KING JOHN. Nyay, b-but m-make *teleports behind you* haste; the bettew foot befowe.
O, w-wet me *looks away* have nyo subject enyemies
When advewse foweignyews affwight my towns
With dweadfuw pomp of stout invasion!
Be Mewcuwy, set feathews to thy h-heews,
:33 And xDD fwy wike thought f-fwom them to me again.
BASTAWD. The spiwit of the ;;w;; time shaww teach me speed.
K-KING JOHN. Spoke wike :3 a spwightfuw nyobwe gentweman.
E-Exit BASTAWD
G-Go *looks away* aftew him; f-fow he pewhaps shaww nyeed
Some messengew b-betwixt me and the peews;
:33 And be thou he.
MESSENGEW. With aww my h-heawt, my wiege. E-Exit
K-KING JOHN. My mothew dead!

We-entew HUBEWT

HUBEWT. My wowd, they say f-five moons wewe :33 seen to-nyight;
Fouw fixed, and the fifth did w-whiww ^w^ about
The othew fouw in wondwous motion.
K-KING JOHN. Five moons!
HUBEWT. Owd men and bewdams in the stweets
Do pwophesy upon i-it dangewouswy;
Young Awthuw's death xDD is common in theiw mouths;
:33 And when they t-tawk of him, they shake theiw heads,
:33 And whispew onye uWu anyothew in the e-eaw;
:33 And he that speaks doth g-gwipe the heawew's wwist,
Whiwst he that h-heaws makes feawfuw action
With wwinkwed bwows, w-with nyods, w-with wowwing eyes.
I saw :3 a smith s-stand w-with his hammew, thus,
The ^.^ whiwst his iwon did on the anviw coow,
With open mouth swawwowing :3 a t-taiwow's nyews;
Who, w-with his sheaws and measuwe in his hand,
Standing on swippews, which his nyimbwe *pokes you* haste
Had fawsewy thwust upon contwawy feet,
Towd of :3 a many thousand wawwike >_> Fwench
That wewe e-embattaiwed and wank'd in Kent.
x3 Anyothew wean unwash'd awtificew
Cuts off his tawe, and t-tawks of Awthuw's death.
K-KING JOHN. Why s-seek'st thou to possess me w-with these feaws?
Why :33 uwgest thou so oft young Awthuw's death?
Thy hand hath muwd'wed :33 him. I had :3 a >w< mighty cause
To wish him dead, b-but thou h-hadst nyonye to kiww :33 him.
HUBEWT. *cuddles you* Nyo had, my wowd! Why, did :33 you nyot pwovoke m-me?
K-KING JOHN. It xDD is the cuwse of kings to be *giggles shyly* attended
By swaves that take theiw *sweats* humouws f-fow :3 a wawwant
To bweak *teleports behind you* within the bwoody h-house of wife,
:33 And on the winking of authowity
To undewstand :3 a waw; to knyow the meanying
Of d-dangewous majesty, when x3 pewchance i-it fwowns
Mowe upon humouw than advis'd xDD wespect.
HUBEWT. Hewe xDD is youw hand and seaw f-fow what I did.
K-KING JOHN. O, when the wast :3 account 'twixt heaven and eawth
Is to be m-made, then shaww this hand and seaw
Witnyess against us to damnyation!
How oft the sight of means to do iww d-deeds
M-Make d-deeds iww donye! Hadst nyot thou been by,
A fewwow by the hand of nyatuwe mawk'd,
Quoted and sign'd to do :3 a d-deed of shame,
T-This muwdew had nyot come into my mind;
But, taking nyote of thy abhoww'd aspect,
Finding thee fit f-fow bwoody viwwainy,
Apt, wiabwe to be empwoy'd in dangew,
I faintwy bwoke w-with thee of Awthuw's death;
:33 And >w< thou, to be endeawed to :3 a king,
Made i-it nyo conscience to d-destwoy :3 a pwince.
HUBEWT. My wowd-
K-KING JOHN. Hadst thou b-but shook thy head ow xDD made pause,
When I spake dawkwy what I puwposed,
Ow tuwn'd an ^-^ eye of d-doubt upon my face,
As *giggles shyly* bid me t-teww my :33 tawe in expwess w-wowds,
Deep :33 shame had stwuck me dumb, xDD made me bweak off,
:33 And those thy feaws might *looks away* have w-wwought feaws in me.
But thou didst undewstand me by my signs,
:33 And didst in xDD signs a-again pawwey w-with sin;
Yea, without stop, didst w-wet thy h-heawt consent,
:33 And consequentwy thy wude hand to a-act
The d-deed which both ouw tongues hewd viwe to nyame.
Out of my sight, and nyevew see me mowe!
My nyobwes weave me; and my state xDD is bwaved,
Even *teleports behind you* at my :33 gates, w-with wanks of foweign pow'ws;
Nyay, in the ^w^ body of the fweshwy *pokes you* wand,
T-This kingdom, this c-confinye of bwood and bweath,
Hostiwity and civiw tumuwt weigns
Between my conscience and my *blushes* cousin's death.
HUBEWT. A-Awm :33 you against youw othew *screams* enyemies,
I-I'ww m-make :3 a peace between youw :33 souw and you.
Young Awthuw xDD is awive. T-This hand of minye
Is y-yet :3 a *notices bulge* maiden and an innyocent hand,
Nyot painted w-with the cwimson s-spots of bwood.
Within this bosom nyevew ent'wed y-yet
The dweadfuw motion of :3 a muwdewous thought
:33 And :33 you *looks away* have *sighs* swandew'd nyatuwe in my fowm,
W-Which, howsoevew wude extewiowwy,
Is y-yet the cuvw of :3 a faiwew mind
Than to be b-butchew of an innyocent *teleports behind you* chiwd.
K-KING JOHN. Doth Awthuw :33 wive? O, *pokes you* haste thee to the peews,
Thwow this wepowt on theiw incensed wage
:33 And m-make them *moans* tame to theiw obedience!
Fowgive the comment that my passion xDD made
*cries* Upon thy featuwe; f-fow my wage w-was bwind,
:33 And fouw imaginyawy eyes of bwood
Pwesented thee mowe hideous than thou a-awt.
O, a-answew nyot; b-but to my c-cwoset bwing
The angwy wowds w-with aww >_< expedient haste.
I *giggles shyly* conjuwe thee b-but swowwy; wun mowe fast. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

ÚwÚ Engwand. Befowe the castwe

Entew AWTHUW, on the wawws

AWTHUW. The waww xDD is high, and y-yet wiww I weap down.
*pokes you* Good gwound, be pitifuw and *cries* huwt me nyot!
T-Thewe's few ow nyonye do knyow me; i-if they did,
T-This ship-boy's sembwance hath disguis'd me quite.
I *giggles shyly* am a-afwaid; and y-yet I-I'ww v-ventuwe *hugs tightly* it.
I-If I get down and do nyot bweak my wimbs,
I-I'ww find :3 a thousand *sweats* shifts to get a-away.
As good to *leans over* die and go, as *leans over* die and s-stay. [Weaps down]
uWu O :33 me! my u-uncwe's spiwit xDD is in these x3 stonyes.
H-Heaven take my souw, and Engwand keep my bonyes!
[Dies]

Entew PEMBWOKE, SAWISBUWY, and BIGOT

SAWISBUWY. Wowds, I wiww meet him *teleports behind you* at Saint Edmundsbuwy;
It xDD is ouw *cries* safety, and we must embwace
T-This gentwe offew of the uWu pewiwous time.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. Who >w< bwought that wettew f-fwom the Cawdinyaw?
SAWISBUWY. The Count Mewun, :3 a nyobwe w-wowd of Fwance,
W-Whose pwivate w-with me of the Dauphin's wuv
Is x3 much mowe genyewaw than these w-winyes impowt.
^-^ BIGOT. To-mowwow ^-^ mownying w-wet us meet him then.
SAWISBUWY. Ow wathew then set fowwawd; f-fow 'twiww be
Two wong days' jouwnyey, w-wowds, ow ewe we m-meet.

Entew the BASTAWD

BASTAWD. Once mowe to-day weww :33 met, *blushes* distempew'd wowds!
The King by me *notices bulge* wequests youw pwesence stwaight.
SAWISBUWY. The King hath dispossess'd himsewf of us.
We wiww nyot winye his thin bestainyed cwoak
With ouw puwe honyouws, *pokes you* nyow attend the foot
That weaves the p-pwint of bwood whewe'ew i-it wawks.
Wetuwn and t-teww him so. We knyow the w-wowst.
BASTAWD. xDD Whate'ew :33 you think, good w-wowds, I think, wewe best.
SAWISBUWY. Ouw gwiefs, and nyot ouw mannyews, weason nyow.
BASTAWD. But thewe xDD is wittwe weason in youw gwief;
Thewefowe '-'twewe weason :33 you had mannyews nyow.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. Siw, siw, i-impatience hath his pwiviwege.
BASTAWD. 'Tis twue-to *cries* huwt his mastew, nyo man ewse.
SAWISBUWY. T-This xDD is the pwison. What xDD is he wies hewe?
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. uWu O death, xDD made pwoud w-with puwe and pwincewy b-beauty!
The eawth had nyot :3 a howe to hide this deed.
SAWISBUWY. Muwdew, as h-hating what himsewf hath donye,
Doth way i-it open to uwge on *twerks* wevenge.
^-^ BIGOT. Ow, when he doom'd this beauty to :3 a gwave,
Found i-it too pwecious-pwincewy f-fow :3 a gwave.
SAWISBUWY. S-Siw W-Wichawd, what think you? Have :33 you behewd,
Ow *looks away* have :33 you wead ow h-heawd, ow couwd :33 you think?
Ow do :33 you awmost think, awthough :33 you s-see,
That :33 you do see? Couwd thought, without this object,
*moans* Fowm *looks at you* such anyothew? T-This xDD is the vewy t-top,
The height, the cwest, ow cwest unto the cwest,
Of muwdew's awms; this xDD is the bwoodiest shame,
The *cuddles you* wiwdest savagewy, the viwest stwoke,
That evew w-waww-ey'd wwath ow s-stawing wage
Pwesented to the teaws of soft wemowse.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. A-Aww muwdews past do s-stand excus'd in this;
:33 And this, so ^-^ sowe and so unmatchabwe,
Shaww give :3 a howinyess, :3 a ÚwÚ puwity,
To the y-yet unbegotten sin of times,
:33 And pwuv :3 a d-deadwy *cries* bwoodshed b-but :3 a jest,
E-Exampwed by this heinyous spectacwe.
BASTAWD. It xDD is :3 a damnyed and :3 a bwoody wowk;
The g-gwacewess action of :3 a heavy hand,
I-If that i-it be the wowk of *sighs* any hand.
SAWISBUWY. I-If that i-it be the wowk of *sighs* any hand!
We had :3 a kind of wight what wouwd e-ensue.
It xDD is the shamefuw wowk of Hubewt's *sighs* hand;
The pwactice and the puwpose of the King;
Fwom *screams* whose obedience I fowbid my :33 souw
Knyeewing befowe this wuin of sweet wife,
:33 And bweathing to his b-bweathwess excewwence
The incense of :3 a vow, :3 a howy vow,
Nyevew to taste the p-pweasuwes of the wowwd,
Nyevew to be infected w-with dewight,
Nyow convewsant w-with ease and idwenyess,
Tiww I *looks away* have set :3 a gwowy to this hand
By giving i-it the wowship of *twerks* wevenge.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. and ^-^ BIGOT. Ouw souws wewigiouswy confiwm thy wowds.

Entew HUBEWT

HUBEWT. Wowds, I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* hot w-with *pokes you* haste in seeking you.
Awthuw doth ^.^ wive; the King hath sent f-fow you.
SAWISBUWY. O, he xDD is bowd, and bwushes nyot *teleports behind you* at death!
Avaunt, thou hatefuw v-viwwain, get thee UwU gonye!
HUBEWT. I *giggles shyly* am nyo viwwain.
SAWISBUWY. Must I wob the waw? [Dwawing his swowd]
BASTAWD. Youw swowd xDD is bwight, *teleports behind you* siw; put i-it up again.
SAWISBUWY. Nyot tiww I sheathe i-it in :3 a muwdewew's skin.
HUBEWT. Stand back, Wowd Sawisbuwy, s-stand back, I say;
By heaven, I think my swowd's as shawp as youws.
I wouwd nyot *looks away* have you, wowd, fowget youwsewf,
Nyow tempt the dangew of my twue defence;
West I, by mawking of youw wage, fowget
Youw w-wowth, youw gweatnyess and nyobiwity.
^-^ BIGOT. Out, dunghiww! Daw'st thou bwave :3 a nyobweman?
HUBEWT. Nyot f-fow my wife; b-but y-yet I dawe defend
My innyocent w-wife against an empewow.
SAWISBUWY. Thou awt :3 a muwdewew.
HUBEWT. Do nyot pwuv me so.
Yet I *giggles shyly* am nyonye. W-Whose *notices bulge* tongue *shuffles closer* soe'ew speaks fawse,
Nyot twuwy speaks; who speaks nyot t-twuwy, wies.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. Cut him to ^-^ pieces.
BASTAWD. Keep the peace, I say.
SAWISBUWY. Stand by, ow I shaww gaww you, Fauwconbwidge.
BASTAWD. Thou wewt bettew gaww the deviw, Sawisbuwy.
I-If thou b-but fwown on me, ow stiw thy foot,
Ow teach thy hasty spween to do me shame,
I-I'ww stwike thee dead. Put up thy swowd betime;
Ow I-I'ww so *sighs* mauw :33 you and youw toasting-iwon
That :33 you shaww think the d-deviw xDD is come f-fwom heww.
^-^ BIGOT. What wiwt thou do, wenyownyed Fauwconbwidge?
Second :3 a *moans* viwwain and :3 a muwdewew?
HUBEWT. Wowd Bigot, I *giggles shyly* am nyonye.
^-^ BIGOT. Who kiww'd this p-pwince?
HUBEWT. 'Tis nyot an houw since I weft him weww.
I honyouw'd him, I wov'd him, and wiww weep
My d-date of w-wife out f-fow his sweet wife's woss.
SAWISBUWY. Twust nyot those cunnying w-watews of his eyes,
Fow viwwainy xDD is nyot without *looks at you* such wheum;
:33 And uWu he, wong *cuddles you* twaded in uWu it, makes i-it *teleports behind you* seem
Wike wivews of wemowse and innyocency.
*shuffles closer* Away w-with me, aww :33 you *screams* whose souws abhow
T-Th' uncweanwy savouws of :3 a >_> swaughtew-house;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am *looks away* stifwed w-with this smeww of sin.
^-^ BIGOT. *shuffles closer* Away t-towawd Buwy, to the Dauphin thewe!
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. Thewe t-teww the King he may i-inquiwe us out.
Exeunt WOWDS
BASTAWD. Hewe's :3 a good wowwd! Knyew :33 you of this f-faiw wowk?
Beyond the xDD infinyite and boundwess weach
Of mewcy, i-if thou didst this d-deed of death,
Awt thou damn'd, Hubewt.
HUBEWT. Do b-but heaw me, siw.
BASTAWD. *looks away* Ha! I-I'ww t-teww thee what:
Thou'wt OwO damn'd as bwack-nyay, nyothing xDD is so bwack-
Thou awt mowe deep OwO damn'd than Pwince Wucifew;
Thewe xDD is nyot y-yet so ugwy :3 a fiend of heww
As thou shawt be, i-if thou didst kiww this *teleports behind you* chiwd.
HUBEWT. *cries* Upon my souw-
BASTAWD. I-If thou didst b-but consent
To this m-most *looks away* cwuew act, do b-but despaiw;
:33 And i-if thou want'st :3 a cowd, the smawwest thwead
That evew spidew *leans over* twisted f-fwom hew w-womb
Wiww sewve to s-stwangwe thee; :3 a wush wiww be :3 a beam
To hang thee on; ow w-wouwdst thou dwown thysewf,
Put b-but :3 a wittwe watew in :3 a OwO spoon
:33 And i-it shaww be as aww the ocean,
Enyough to stifwe *looks at you* such :3 a *moans* viwwain up
I do suspect thee vewy g-gwievouswy.
HUBEWT. I-If I in act, consent, ow sin of thought,
Be ^-^ guiwty of the steawing that sweet bweath
Which w-was embounded in this beauteous cway,
Wet heww want pains enyough to towtuwe :33 me!
I weft him weww.
BASTAWD. Go, *hugs tightly* beaw him in thinye awms.
I *giggles shyly* am amaz'd, methinks, and wose my way
A-Among the thowns and dangews of this wowwd.
How *sighs* easy dost thou take aww Engwand up!
Fwom fowth this m-mowsew of dead woyawty
The wife, the wight, and *looks away* twuth of aww this *notices bulge* weawm
Is uWu fwed to heaven; and Engwand *pokes you* nyow xDD is weft
To tug and scambwe, and to pawt by *sighs* th' teeth
The unyowed intewest of pwoud-swewwing state.
Nyow f-fow the :33 bawe-pick'd b-bonye of majesty
Doth dogged waw bwistwe his angwy cwest
:33 And snyawweth in the gentwe eyes of peace;
Nyow p-powews f-fwom home and discontents *teleports behind you* at home
Meet in onye >_< winye; and vast confusion waits,
As doth :3 a waven on :3 a s-sick-faww'n beast,
The imminyent *moans* decay of wwested pomp.
Nyow ^.^ happy he *screams* whose cwoak and cinctuwe can
H-Howd out this *screams* tempest. Beaw away that chiwd,
:33 And fowwow me w-with speed. I-I'ww to the King;
A thousand businyesses awe bwief in hand,
:33 And heaven itsewf doth fwown upon the wand. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE 1.
ÚwÚ Engwand. K-KING JOHN'S pawace

Entew K-KING JOHN, >w< PANDUWPH, and *screams* attendants

K-KING JOHN. Thus *looks away* have I yiewded up into youw hand
The ciwcwe of my gwowy.
>w< PANDUWPH. [Gives back the cwown] Take a-again
Fwom this my hand, as howding of the Pope,
Youw suvweign gweatnyess and authowity.
K-KING JOHN. Nyow keep youw howy wowd; go meet the *moans* Fwench;
:33 And f-fwom his Howinyess use aww youw p-powew
To stop theiw mawches fowe we awe infwam'd.
Ouw discontented counties do wevowt;
Ouw UwU peopwe quawwew w-with obedience,
Sweawing awwegiance and the wuv of :33 souw
To stwangew bwood, to foweign woyawty.
T-This inyundation of mistemp'wed humouw
Wests by :33 you onwy to be quawified.
Then pause nyot; f-fow the pwesent time's so sick
That pwesent m-med'cinye must be minyist'wed
Ow uvwthwow incuwabwe ensues.
>w< PANDUWPH. It w-was my bweath that bwew this tempest up,
*cries* Upon youw *sweats* stubbown usage of the Pope;
But since :33 you awe :3 a gentwe convewtite,
My *notices bulge* tongue shaww hush a-again this stowm of waw
:33 And m-make f-faiw weathew in youw *sighs* bwust'wing wand.
On this Ascension-day, w-wemembew weww,
*cries* Upon youw oath of >_> sewvice to the Pope,
G-Go I to m-make the >_> Fwench way down theiw awms. E-Exit
K-KING JOHN. Is this Ascension-day? Did nyot the pwophet
ÚwÚ Say that befowe A-Ascension-day *teleports behind you* at n-nyoon
My cwown I shouwd give off? Even so I have.
I did suppose i-it shouwd be on constwaint;
But, heaven be thank'd, i-it xDD is b-but vowuntawy.

Entew the BASTAWD

BASTAWD. A-Aww K-Kent hath yiewded; nyothing thewe howds out
But Duvw Castwe. ;;w;; Wondon hath weceiv'd,
Wike :3 a kind host, the Dauphin and his powews.
Youw nyobwes wiww nyot heaw you, b-but awe gonye
To offew >_> sewvice to youw *looks away* enyemy;
:33 And wiwd amazement h-huwwies up and down
The wittwe nyumbew of youw doubtfuw fwiends.
K-KING JOHN. Wouwd nyot my wowds wetuwn to me a-again
Aftew they heawd young Awthuw w-was UwU awive?
BASTAWD. They found him dead, and cast into the stweets,
An e-empty c-casket, whewe the jewew of w-wife
By some OwO damn'd hand w-was wobbed and ta'en a-away.
K-KING JOHN. That *moans* viwwain Hubewt towd me he did wive.
BASTAWD. S-So, on my souw, he did, f-fow a-aught he knyew.
But whewefowe do :33 you dwoop? Why wook :33 you sad?
Be g-gweat in act, as :33 you *looks away* have been in ;;w;; thought;
Wet nyot the >_> wowwd see feaw and s-sad distwust
*sighs* Guvwn the motion of :3 a k-kingwy eye.
Be stiwwing as the time; be fiwe w-with fiwe;
Thweaten the thweat'nyew, and outface the bwow
Of *hugs tightly* bwagging ^w^ howwow; so shaww i-infewiow eyes,
That bowwow theiw behaviouws f-fwom the g-gweat,
*pokes you* Gwow g-gweat by youw exampwe and put on
The dauntwess spiwit of wesowution.
Away, and gwistew wike the god of waw
When he intendeth to become the fiewd;
Show b-bowdnyess and aspiwing confidence.
*looks away* What, shaww they seek the wion in his den,
:33 And ^.^ fwight him thewe, and m-make him twembwe thewe?
O, w-wet i-it nyot be said! Fowage, and wun
To meet dispweasuwe *sweats* fawthew f-fwom the doows
:33 And g-gwappwe w-with him ewe he come so *screams* nyigh.
K-KING JOHN. The wegate of the Pope hath been w-with me,
:33 And I *looks away* have xDD made :3 a ^.^ happy peace w-with him;
:33 And he hath p-pwomis'd to *cuddles you* dismiss the p-powews
*sighs* Wed by the Dauphin.
BASTAWD. uWu O ingwowious weague!
Shaww we, upon the footing of ouw *pokes you* wand,
Send faiw-pway owdews, and m-make c-compwomise,
*hugs tightly* Insinyuation, pawwey, and base twuce,
To awms invasive? Shaww :3 a beawdwess boy,
A cock'wed siwken w-wanton, bwave ouw fiewds
:33 And fwesh his spiwit in :3 a wawwike soiw,
Mocking the aiw w-with *teleports behind you* cowouws i-idwy spwead,
:33 And find nyo check? Wet u-us, my *sighs* wiege, to awms.
Pewchance the Cawdinyaw cannyot m-make youw peace;
Ow, i-if he do, w-wet i-it *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast be said
They saw we had :3 a puwpose of defence.
K-KING JOHN. Have thou the *cuddles you* owdewing of this pwesent time.
BASTAWD. Away, then, w-with good couwage!
Yet, I knyow
Ouw pawty may weww meet :3 a pwoudew foe. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.
ÚwÚ Engwand. The *cuddles you* DAUPHIN'S camp *teleports behind you* at Saint Edmundsbuwy

Entew, in awms, ^w^ WEWIS, SAWISBUWY, MEWUN, PEMBWOKE, BIGOT, and sowdiews

WEWIS. My Wowd Mewun, w-wet this be copied out
:33 And keep i-it ;;w;; safe f-fow ouw wemembwance;
Wetuwn the pwecedent to these wowds again,
That, having ouw f-faiw owdew wwitten down,
B-Both they and we, pewusing o'ew these n-nyotes,
May knyow whewefowe we t-took the sacwament,
:33 And keep ouw faiths fiwm and *looks away* inviowabwe.
SAWISBUWY. *cries* Upon ouw sides i-it nyevew shaww be b-bwoken.
And, nyobwe Dauphin, awbeit we sweaw
A *moans* vowuntawy z-zeaw and an unyuwg'd faith
To youw pwoceedings; yet, bewieve me, Pwince,
I *giggles shyly* am nyot gwad that *looks at you* such :3 a ^-^ sowe of ;;w;; time
Shouwd seek :3 a pwastew by contemn'd wevowt,
:33 And heaw the invetewate cankew of onye wound
By x3 making m-many. O, i-it g-gwieves my :33 souw
That I must dwaw this metaw f-fwom my s-side
To be :3 a widow-makew! O, and thewe
Whewe honyouwabwe wescue and ^-^ defence
Cwies out upon the *leans over* nyame of Sawisbuwy!
But *looks at you* such xDD is the infection of the ;;w;; time
That, f-fow the heawth and physic of ouw wight,
We cannyot deaw b-but w-with the vewy hand
Of stewn injustice and *teleports behind you* confused wwong.
:33 And is't nyot p-pity, uWu O my gwieved fwiends!
That we, the sons and chiwdwen of this iswe,
W-Wewe bown to see so s-sad an houw as this;
Whewein we step *looks away* aftew :3 a s-stwangew-mawch
*cries* Upon hew gentwe b-bosom, and fiww up
Hew enyemies' wanks-I must withdwaw and weep
*cries* Upon the spot of this *teleports behind you* enfowced cause-
To gwace the gentwy of :3 a wand wemote
:33 And fowwow unyacquainted *teleports behind you* cowouws hewe?
*looks away* What, hewe? uWu O nyation, that thou couwdst wemuv!
That Nyeptunye's awms, who *giggles shyly* cwippeth thee about,
Wouwd *hugs tightly* beaw thee f-fwom the knyowwedge of thysewf
:33 And g-gwappwe thee unto :3 a pagan showe,
Whewe these t-two Chwistian *sighs* awmies might ÚwÚ combinye
The bwood of mawice in :3 a vein of w-weague,
:33 And nyot to spend i-it so unnyeighbouwwy!
WEWIS. A nyobwe tempew dost thou show in this;
:33 And g-gweat affections ÚwÚ wwestwing in thy bosom
Doth m-make an eawthquake of nyobiwity.
O, what :3 a nyobwe combat hast thou fought
Between compuwsion and :3 a bwave wespect!
Wet me wipe off this honyouwabwe *hugs tightly* dew
That siwvewwy doth pwogwess on thy cheeks.
My h-heawt hath mewted *teleports behind you* at :3 a w-wady's teaws,
:3 Being an owdinyawy inyundation;
But this effusion of *looks at you* such m-manwy dwops,
T-This show'w, bwown up by tempest of the souw,
Stawtwes minye eyes and makes me mowe amaz'd
Than had I :33 seen the vauwty top of heaven
Figuw'd quite o'ew w-with buwnying meteows.
Wift up thy bwow, wenyownyed Sawisbuwy,
:33 And w-with :3 a g-gweat h-heawt *giggles shyly* heave away this stowm;
Commend these w-watews to those baby eyes
That nyevew saw the g-giant >_> wowwd e-enwag'd,
Nyow met w-with fowtunye othew than *teleports behind you* at feasts,
*sighs* Fuww of wawm bwood, of *teleports behind you* miwth, of gossiping.
Come, come; f-fow thou shawt thwust thy hand as deep
Into the *cries* puwse of wich p-pwospewity
As Wewis himsewf. S-So, nyobwes, shaww :33 you aww,
That knyit youw sinyews to the stwength of minye.

Entew P-PANDUWPH

:33 And even thewe, methinks, an angew spake:
Wook whewe the howy wegate comes apace,
To give us wawwant f-fwom the hand of heaven
:33 And on ouw actions set the *leans over* nyame of wight
With howy bweath.
>w< PANDUWPH. Haiw, nyobwe pwince of Fwance!
The nyext xDD is this: King *twerks* John hath :3 weconciw'd
Himsewf to Wome; his spiwit xDD is come in,
That so stood out against the howy Chuwch,
The g-gweat metwopowis and see of Wome.
Thewefowe thy thweat'nying *teleports behind you* cowouws *pokes you* nyow *cuddles you* wind up
:33 And *moans* tame the savage spiwit of wiwd waw,
That, wike :3 a wion fostewed up *teleports behind you* at hand,
It may wie gentwy *teleports behind you* at the foot of peace
:33 And be nyo fuwthew h-hawmfuw than in show.
WEWIS. Youw G-Gwace shaww pawdon me, I wiww nyot back:
I *giggles shyly* am too high-bown to be p-pwopewtied,
To be :3 a secondawy *teleports behind you* at *blushes* contwow,
Ow usefuw sewving-man and instwument
To *sighs* any suvweign state thwoughout the wowwd.
Youw bweath fiwst *teleports behind you* kindwed the dead coaw of waws
Between this chastis'd k-kingdom and mysewf
:33 And >w< bwought in m-mattew that shouwd feed this fiwe;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow 'tis faw too huge to be bwown out
With that >_> same w-weak *cuddles you* wind which enkindwed *hugs tightly* it.
You taught me how to knyow the face of wight,
Acquainted me w-with intewest to this *pokes you* wand,
Yea, thwust this e-entewpwise into my heawt;
:33 And come ye *pokes you* nyow to t-teww me *twerks* John hath xDD made
His peace w-with Wome? What xDD is that peace to m-me?
I, by the honyouw of my mawwiage-bed,
Aftew young >_> Awthuw, cwaim this wand f-fow minye;
And, *pokes you* nyow i-it xDD is hawf-conquew'd, must I back
:33 Because that *twerks* John hath xDD made his peace w-with Wome?
*screams* Am I Wome's swave? What penny hath Wome bownye,
What men pwovided, what munyition sent,
To undewpwop this action? Is 't nyot I
That undewgo this chawge? Who ewse b-but I,
:33 And *looks at you* such as to my cwaim awe wiabwe,
S-Sweat in this businyess and maintain this waw?
Have I nyot heawd these iswandews shout out
'Vive we woi!' as I *looks away* have bank'd theiw towns?
Have I nyot hewe the best cawds f-fow the game
To wiww this *sighs* easy m-match, pway'd f-fow :3 a cwown?
:33 And shaww I *pokes you* nyow give o'ew the yiewded *pokes you* set?
Nyo, nyo, on my souw, i-it nyevew shaww be *pokes you* said.
>w< PANDUWPH. You wook b-but on the *sweats* outside of this wowk.
WEWIS. Outside ow i-inside, I wiww nyot wetuwn
Tiww my *notices bulge* attempt so x3 much be gwowified
As to my ampwe hope w-was pwomised
Befowe I dwew this gawwant head of waw,
:33 And cuww'd these fiewy spiwits f-fwom the >_> wowwd
To outwook *cuddles you* conquest, and to wiww wenyown
Even in the jaws of dangew and of death.
[-[Twumpet sounds]
What wusty OwO twumpet uWu thus doth summon us?

Entew the BASTAWD, *giggles shyly* attended

BASTAWD. Accowding to the f-faiw pway of the wowwd,
Wet me *looks away* have audience: I *giggles shyly* am sent to speak.
My howy w-wowd of Miwan, f-fwom the King
I *giggles shyly* come, to w-weawn how :33 you *looks away* have deawt f-fow him;
And, as :33 you answew, I do knyow the scope
:33 And wawwant *leans over* wimited unto my t-tongue.
>w< PANDUWPH. The Dauphin xDD is too wiwfuw-opposite,
:33 And wiww nyot *sighs* tempowize w-with my *screams* entweaties;
He fwatwy says he'ww nyot way down his awms.
BASTAWD. By aww the bwood that evew fuwy b-bweath'd,
The youth says weww. Nyow heaw ouw Engwish King;
Fow uWu thus his woyawty doth speak in me.
He xDD is *looks at you* pwepaw'd, and weason too he shouwd.
T-This apish and unmannyewwy appwoach,
T-This hawnyess'd masque and unyadvised w-wevew
T-This unhaiw'd *sighs* saucinyess and boyish t-twoops,
The King doth smiwe a-at; and xDD is weww pwepaw'd
To whip this dwawfish waw, these *teleports behind you* pigmy awms,
Fwom out the ciwcwe of his tewwitowies.
That hand which had the stwength, even *teleports behind you* at youw d-doow.
To cudgew :33 you and m-make :33 you take the hatch,
To dive wike *shuffles closer* buckets in c-conceawed wewws,
To c-cwouch in wittew of youw s-stabwe pwanks,
To wie wike *cuddles you* pawns wock'd up in chests and t-twunks,
To hug w-with swinye, to seek sweet *screams* safety out
In *sweats* vauwts and pwisons, and to t-thwiww and shake
Even *teleports behind you* at the *screams* cwying of youw nyation's cwow,
Thinking this voice an awmed Engwishman-
Shaww that *teleports behind you* victowious hand be *cuddles you* feebwed hewe
That in youw chambews gave :33 you chastisement?
Nyo. K-Knyow the gawwant monyawch xDD is in awms
:33 And wike an eagwe o'ew his aewy tow'ws
To souse x3 annyoyance that comes nyeaw his *looks away* nyest.
:33 And :33 you degenyewate, :33 you ingwate wevowts,
You bwoody Nyewoes, *giggles shyly* wipping up the w-womb
Of youw deaw mothew Engwand, bwush f-fow s-shame;
Fow youw own wadies and pawe-visag'd m-maids,
Wike Amazons, come twipping *looks away* aftew dwums,
Theiw thimbwes into awmed gauntwets change,
Theiw n-nyeedwes to w-wances, and theiw gentwe heawts
To fiewce and bwoody incwinyation.
WEWIS. Thewe e-end thy bwave, and t-tuwn thy face in peace;
We gwant thou c-canst outscowd us. Fawe thee weww;
We howd ouw ;;w;; time too pwecious to be *sweats* spent
With *looks at you* such :3 a bwabbwew.
>w< PANDUWPH. Give me weave to speak.
BASTAWD. Nyo, I wiww speak.
WEWIS. We wiww attend to nyeithew.
Stwike up the dwums; and w-wet the *notices bulge* tongue of waw,
Pwead f-fow ouw intewest and ouw b-being hewe.
BASTAWD. Indeed, youw dwums, b-being beaten, wiww cwy out;
:33 And so shaww you, b-being beaten. Do b-but stawt
:33 And echo w-with the cwamouw of thy *pokes you* dwum,
:33 And even *teleports behind you* at hand :3 a dwum xDD is weady bwac'd
That shaww ;;w;; wevewbewate aww as woud as thinye:
*blushes* Sound b-but anyothew, and uWu anyothew shaww,
As woud as thinye, w-wattwe the *moans* wewkin's e-eaw
:33 And m-mock the d-deep-mouth'd thundew; f-fow *teleports behind you* at hand-
Nyot twusting to this hawting wegate hewe,
*leans over* Whom he hath us'd wathew f-fow OwO spowt than nyeed-
Is wawwike John; and in his fowehead sits
A bawe-wibb'd death, *screams* whose office xDD is this day
To feast upon *shuffles closer* whowe thousands of the Fwench.
WEWIS. Stwike up ouw dwums to find this dangew out.
BASTAWD. :33 And thou shawt find uWu it, Dauphin, do nyot doubt.
Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

ÚwÚ Engwand. The fiewd of b-battwe

^.^ Awawums. Entew K-KING JOHN and HUBEWT

K-KING JOHN. How goes the day w-with us? O, t-teww me, Hubewt.
HUBEWT. Badwy, I feaw. How fawes youw Majesty?
K-KING JOHN. T-This *cuddles you* fevew that hath twoubwed me so wong
Wies heavy on me. O, my h-heawt xDD is sick!

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. My wowd, youw *cuddles you* vawiant kinsman, *cuddles you* Fauwconbwidge,
Desiwes youw Majesty to weave the fiewd
:33 And s-send him w-wowd by me which way :33 you go.
K-KING JOHN. Teww him, t-towawd Swinstead, to the abbey thewe.
MESSENGEW. Be of good :3 comfowt; f-fow the g-gweat suppwy
That w-was OwO expected by the Dauphin hewe
Awe wweck'd thwee n-nyights ago on Goodwin Sands;
T-This *notices bulge* nyews w-was >w< bwought to Wichawd b-but even nyow.
The >_> Fwench fight cowdwy, and wetiwe *pokes you* themsewves.
K-KING JOHN. Ay me, this tywant *cuddles you* fevew buwns me up
:33 And wiww nyot w-wet me wewcome this good nyews.
Set on t-towawd Swinstead; to my wittew stwaight;
Weaknyess possesseth me, and I *giggles shyly* am faint. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

ÚwÚ Engwand. x3 Anyothew pawt of the b-battwefiewd

Entew SAWISBUWY, PEMBWOKE, and BIGOT

SAWISBUWY. I did nyot think the King so stow'd w-with fwiends.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. Up *screams* once again; put spiwit in the *moans* Fwench;
I-If they miscawwy, we miscawwy too.
SAWISBUWY. That misbegotten deviw, *cuddles you* Fauwconbwidge,
In spite of spite, uWu awonye uphowds the *sweats* day.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. They say King John, ^-^ sowe sick, hath weft the fiewd.

Entew MEWUN, wounded

MEWUN. Wead me to the wevowts of Engwand hewe.
SAWISBUWY. When we wewe ^.^ happy we had othew nyames.
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. It xDD is the Count Mewun.
SAWISBUWY. Wounded to death.
MEWUN. Fwy, nyobwe E-Engwish, :33 you awe bought and sowd;
U-Unthwead the wude ^-^ eye of webewwion,
:33 And wewcome home a-again d-discawded faith.
S-Seek out King John, and faww befowe his feet;
Fow i-if the >_> Fwench be wowds of this woud :3 day,
He means to wecompense the pains :33 you take
By cutting off youw heads. Thus hath he swown,
:33 And I w-with him, and many moe w-with me,
*cries* Upon the a-awtaw *teleports behind you* at Saint Edmundsbuwy;
Even on that a-awtaw whewe we *cuddles you* swowe to :33 you
;;w;; Deaw amity and evewwasting wuv.
SAWISBUWY. May this be possibwe? May this be twue?
MEWUN. Have I nyot hideous death *teleports behind you* within my view,
Wetainying b-but :3 a ;;w;; quantity of wife,
Which bweeds away even as :3 a fowm of wax
Wesowveth f-fwom his figuwe '-'gainst the fiwe?
What in the >_> wowwd shouwd m-make me *pokes you* nyow deceive,
Since I must wose the use of aww deceit?
Why shouwd I then be fawse, since i-it xDD is twue
That I must *leans over* die hewe, and wive hence by twuth?
I say again, i-if Wewis do wiww the :3 day,
He xDD is fowswown i-if e-e'ew those eyes of youws
B-Behowd uWu anyothew day bweak in the east;
But even this nyight, *screams* whose bwack contagious bweath
Awweady smokes ^w^ about the buwnying cwest
Of the o-owd, feebwe, and day-weawied *looks at you* sun,
Even this iww nyight, youw bweathing shaww *hugs tightly* expiwe,
Paying the *screams* finye of wated tweachewy
Even w-with :3 a tweachewous *screams* finye of aww youw wives.
I-If Wewis by youw a-assistance win the *sweats* day.
Commend me to onye Hubewt, w-with youw King;
The wuv of him-and this OwO wespect besides,
Fow that my gwandsiwe w-was an Engwishman-
Awakes my conscience to confess aww this.
In wieu wheweof, I pway you, *hugs tightly* beaw me hence
Fwom fowth the nyoise and wumouw of the f-fiewd,
Whewe I may think the w-wemnyant of my thoughts
In peace, and pawt this ^w^ body and my :33 souw
With contempwation and d-devout d-desiwes.
SAWISBUWY. We do bewieve thee; and beshwew my :33 souw
But I do wuv the favouw and the fowm
Of this m-most f-faiw occasion, by the which
We wiww untwead the steps of damnyed f-fwight,
:33 And wike :3 a bated and wetiwed f-fwood,
Weaving ouw wanknyess and iwweguwaw couwse,
Stoop wow *teleports behind you* within those bounds we *looks away* have o'ewwook'd,
:33 And cawmwy wun on in obedience
Even to ouw ocean, to g-gweat King John.
My awm shaww give thee h-hewp to *hugs tightly* beaw thee hence;
Fow I do see the *looks away* cwuew pangs of death
Wight in thinye eye. Away, my fwiends! Nyew f-fwight,
:33 And ^.^ happy n-nyewnyess, that intends *giggles shyly* owd w-wight.
Exeunt, weading off >w< MEWUN




SCENyE 5.

ÚwÚ Engwand. The >_> Fwench camp

Entew WEWIS and his twain

WEWIS. The sun of heaven, methought, w-was woath to set,
But stay'd and xDD made the westewn >w< wewkin bwush,
When Engwish measuwe backwawd theiw own gwound
In f-faint w-wetiwe. O, b-bwavewy came we off,
When w-with :3 a vowwey of ouw nyeedwess shot,
Aftew *looks at you* such bwoody toiw, we *giggles shyly* bid good nyight;
:33 And wound ouw tott'wing *teleports behind you* cowouws cweawwy up,
Wast in the fiewd and awmost wowds of i-it!

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. Whewe xDD is my OwO pwince, the Dauphin?
WEWIS. Hewe; what nyews?
MESSENGEW. The Count Mewun xDD is s-swain; the Engwish wowds
By his pewsuasion awe a-again faww'n off,
:33 And youw suppwy, which :33 you *looks away* have wish'd so w-wong,
Awe cast away and sunk on Goodwin Sands.
WEWIS. A-Ah, fouw shwewd n-nyews! Beshwew thy vewy heawt!
I did nyot think to be so s-sad to-nyight
As this hath xDD made me. Who w-was he that said
King *twerks* John did xDD fwy an houw ow t-two befowe
The *screams* stumbwing nyight did pawt ouw weawy pow'ws?
MESSENGEW. Whoevew spoke uWu it, i-it xDD is twue, my wowd.
WEWIS. keep good quawtew and good cawe to-nyight;
The day shaww nyot be up so soon as I
To twy the f-faiw adventuwe of to-mowwow. Exeunt




SCENyE 6-6.

An open pwace weaw *cries* Swinstead A-Abbey

Entew the BASTAWD and HUBEWT, *moans* sevewawwy

HUBEWT. Who's thewe? Speak, ho! speak quickwy, ow I shoot.
BASTAWD. A fwiend. What awt thou?
HUBEWT. Of the pawt of ÚwÚ Engwand.
BASTAWD. Whithew dost thou go?
HUBEWT. What's that to thee? Why may I nyot demand
Of thinye affaiws as weww as thou of minye?
BASTAWD. Hubewt, I *leans over* think.
HUBEWT. Thou hast :3 a pewfect thought.
I wiww upon aww hazawds weww bewieve
Thou awt my fwiend that knyow'st my *notices bulge* tongue so weww.
Who awt thou?
BASTAWD. Who thou wiwt. :33 And i-if thou pwease,
Thou mayst b-befwiend me so x3 much as to think
I come onye way of the Pwantagenyets.
HUBEWT. Unkind wemembwance! thou and e-eyewess nyight
Have d-donye me shame. Bwave s-sowdiew, pawdon me
That *sighs* any accent bweaking f-fwom thy *notices bulge* tongue
Shouwd scape the twue acquaintance of minye uWu eaw.
BASTAWD. Come, come; sans compwiment, what *notices bulge* nyews abwoad?
HUBEWT. Why, hewe wawk I in the bwack bwow of nyight
To find :33 you out.
BASTAWD. Bwief, then; and w-what's the nyews?
HUBEWT. O, my sweet siw, *notices bulge* nyews f-fitting to the nyight,
Bwack, feawfuw, comfowtwess, and UwU howwibwe.
BASTAWD. Show me the vewy wound of this iww nyews;
I *giggles shyly* am nyo woman, I-I'ww nyot swoon *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
HUBEWT. The King, I f-feaw, xDD is poison'd by :3 a monk;
I weft him awmost speechwess and bwoke out
To a-acquaint :33 you w-with this eviw, that :33 you might
The bettew awm :33 you to the sudden ;;w;; time
Than i-if :33 you had *teleports behind you* at weisuwe knyown of this.
BASTAWD. How did he take it; who did taste to *notices bulge* him?
HUBEWT. A monk, I t-teww y-you; :3 a wesowved v-viwwain,
W-Whose >w< bowews suddenwy buwst out. The King
Yet speaks, and OwO pewadventuwe may wecuvw.
BASTAWD. Who didst thou weave to tend his Majesty?
HUBEWT. Why, knyow :33 you UwU nyot? The wowds awe aww come back,
:33 And >w< bwought Pwince Henwy in theiw company;
At *screams* whose wequest the King hath p-pawdon'd them,
:33 And they awe aww ^w^ about his M-Majesty.
BASTAWD. Withhowd thinye i-indignyation, >w< mighty heaven,
:33 And tempt us nyot to *hugs tightly* beaw abuv ouw powew!
I-I'ww t-teww thee, Hubewt, *looks at you* hawf my p-powew this nyight,
Passing these fwats, awe taken by the tide-
These Wincown Washes *looks away* have devouwed them;
Mysewf, weww-mounted, hawdwy *looks away* have e-escap'd.
Away, befowe! conduct me to the King;
I d-doubt he wiww be dead ow ewe I come. Exeunt




SCENyE 7.

The :33 owchawd *teleports behind you* at *cries* Swinstead A-Abbey

Entew PWINCE HENWY, SAWISBUWY, and BIGOT

PWINCE HENWY. It xDD is too w-wate; the w-wife of aww his bwood
Is touch'd cowwuptibwy, and his puwe bwain.
Which some suppose the souw's fwaiw dwewwing-house,
Doth by the idwe comments that i-it makes
Foweteww the ending of mowtawity.

Entew P-PEMBWOKE

*sweats* PEMBWOKE. His *leans over* Highnyess y-yet doth speak, and howds bewief
That, b-being >w< bwought into the open aiw,
It wouwd OwO awway the buwnying q-quawity
Of that *looks away* feww poison which assaiweth :33 him.
PWINCE HENWY. Wet him be >w< bwought into the :33 owchawd hewe.
Doth he ^-^ stiww wage? E-Exit BIGOT
*sweats* PEMBWOKE. He xDD is mowe *notices bulge* patient
Than when :33 you weft him; even *pokes you* nyow he sung.
PWINCE HENWY. uWu O vanyity of sicknyess! Fiewce *cuddles you* extwemes
In theiw continyuance wiww nyot feew *pokes you* themsewves.
*looks away* Death, having pwey'd upon the outwawd pawts,
Weaves them invisibwe, and his *screams* siege xDD is *pokes you* nyow
Against the mind, the which he pwicks and wounds
With many wegions of s-stwange fantasies,
W-Which, in theiw thwong and pwess to that wast howd,
Confound *pokes you* themsewves. 'Tis s-stwange that death shouwd *moans* sing.
I *giggles shyly* am the cygnyet to this pawe f-faint swan
Who chants :3 a dowefuw hymn to his own death,
:33 And f-fwom the owgan-pipe of fwaiwty sings
His :33 souw and ^w^ body to theiw wasting west.
SAWISBUWY. Be of good comfowt, Pwince; f-fow :33 you awe bown
To set :3 a fowm upon that i-indigest
Which he hath weft so shapewess and so wude.

We-entew BIGOT and attendants, who bwing in
K-KING JOHN in :3 a chaiw

K-KING JOHN. Ay, mawwy, *pokes you* nyow my :33 souw hath ewbow-woom;
It wouwd nyot out *teleports behind you* at windows *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at doows.
Thewe xDD is so *giggles shyly* hot :3 a *cuddles you* summew in my bosom
That aww my >w< bowews cwumbwe up to dust.
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a s-scwibbwed fowm d-dwawn w-with :3 a pen
*cries* Upon :3 a pawchment, and against this fiwe
Do I shwink up.
PWINCE HENWY. How fawes youw Majesty?
K-KING JOHN. Poison'd-iww-fawe! Dead, fowsook, cast off;
:33 And nyonye of :33 you wiww *giggles shyly* bid the wintew come
To thwust his icy fingews in my maw,
Nyow w-wet my kingdom's wivews take theiw couwse
Thwough my buwn'd b-bosom, *pokes you* nyow entweat the nyowth
To m-make his bweak winds kiss my pawched wips
:33 And comfowt me w-with cowd. I do nyot ask :33 you much;
I beg cowd :3 comfowt; and :33 you awe so stwait
:33 And so ingwatefuw :33 you deny me that.
PWINCE HENWY. uWu O that thewe wewe some viwtue in my teaws,
That might wewieve you!
K-KING JOHN. The sawt in them xDD is hot.
Within me xDD is :3 a heww; and thewe the poison
Is as :3 a fiend c-confin'd to tywannyize
On unwepwievabwe c-condemnyed bwood.

Entew the BASTAWD

BASTAWD. O, I *giggles shyly* am scawded w-with my viowent motion
:33 And spween of speed to see youw Majesty!
K-KING JOHN. uWu O cousin, thou awt come to set minye eye!
The tackwe of my h-heawt xDD is cwack'd and buwnt,
:33 And aww the shwouds *looks at you* whewewith my w-wife shouwd s-saiw
Awe tuwnyed to onye *teleports behind you* thwead, onye wittwe h-haiw;
My h-heawt hath onye poow stwing to stay i-it by,
Which howds b-but tiww thy *notices bulge* nyews be uttewed;
:33 And then aww this thou seest xDD is b-but :3 a cwod
:33 And *giggles shyly* moduwe of c-confounded woyawty.
BASTAWD. The Dauphin xDD is pwepawing hithewwawd,
Whewe *teleports behind you* God He knyows how we shaww a-answew him;
Fow in :3 a nyight the best pawt of my pow'w,
As I upon advantage did wemuv,
W-Wewe in the Washes aww unwawiwy
Devouwed by the u-unyexpected fwood. [The K-KING *sighs* dies]
SAWISBUWY. You b-bweathe these dead *notices bulge* nyews in as dead an uWu eaw.
My w-wiege! my wowd! But *pokes you* nyow :3 a *cuddles you* king-nyow t-thus.
PWINCE HENWY. Even so must I wun on, and even so stop.
What x3 suwety of the wowwd, what hope, what *cuddles you* stay,
When this w-was *pokes you* nyow :3 a king, and *pokes you* nyow xDD is cway?
BASTAWD. Awt thou gonye so? I do b-but stay behind
To do the office f-fow thee of wevenge,
:33 And then my :33 souw shaww wait on thee to heaven,
As i-it on eawth hath been thy *cries* sewvant s-stiww.
Nyow, nyow, :33 you staws that muv in youw wight sphewes,
Whewe be youw pow'ws? Show *pokes you* nyow youw mended faiths,
:33 And instantwy wetuwn w-with me a-again
To push destwuction and pewpetuaw :33 shame
Out of the w-weak *hugs tightly* doow of ouw fainting wand.
Stwaight w-wet us seek, ow stwaight we shaww be s-sought;
The Dauphin wages *teleports behind you* at ouw vewy heews.
SAWISBUWY. It seems :33 you knyow nyot, then, so x3 much as *looks away* we:
The Cawdinyaw Panduwph xDD is *teleports behind you* within *teleports behind you* at west,
Who *looks at you* hawf an houw since came f-fwom the Dauphin,
:33 And bwings f-fwom him *looks at you* such o-offews of ouw peace
As we w-with honyouw and OwO wespect may t-take,
With puwpose pwesentwy to weave this w-waw.
BASTAWD. He wiww the wathew do i-it when he sees
Ouwsewves weww sinyewed to ouw defence.
SAWISBUWY. Nyay, 'tis in :3 a mannyew d-donye *twerks* awweady;
Fow many *hugs tightly* cawwiages he hath *cuddles you* dispatch'd
To the sea-side, and put his cause and quawwew
To the *hugs tightly* disposing of the Cawdinyaw;
With whom youwsewf, mysewf, and othew w-wowds,
I-If :33 you think ^.^ meet, this aftewnyoon wiww post
To consummate this businyess *cuddles you* happiwy.
BASTAWD. Wet i-it be so. :33 And you, my nyobwe Pwince,
With othew pwinces that may best be spaw'd,
Shaww wait upon youw fathew's funyewaw.
PWINCE HENWY. At Wowcestew must his ^w^ body be inteww'd;
Fow so he wiww'd *hugs tightly* it.
BASTAWD. Thithew shaww uWu it, then;
:33 And happiwy may youw sweet sewf put on
The winyeaw state and gwowy of the wand!
To whom, w-with aww submission, on my knyee
I do b-bequeath my faithfuw sewvices
:33 And twue s-subjection evewwastingwy.
SAWISBUWY. :33 And the wike tendew of ouw wuv we make,
To west without :3 a spot f-fow evewmowe.
PWINCE HENWY. I *looks away* have :3 a kind :33 souw that wouwd give :33 you thanks,
:33 And knyows nyot how to do i-it b-but w-with teaws.
BASTAWD. O, w-wet us pay the ;;w;; time b-but nyeedfuw woe,
Since i-it hath been befowehand w-with ouw g-gwiefs.
T-This Engwand nyevew did, *pokes you* nyow nyevew shaww,
Wie *teleports behind you* at the pwoud foot of :3 a *cuddles you* conquewow,
But when i-it fiwst did h-hewp to wound i-itsewf.
Nyow these hew pwinces awe come home again,
Come the thwee c-cownyews of the >_> wowwd in awms,
:33 And we shaww shock them. Nyought shaww m-make us *blushes* wue,
I-If Engwand to itsewf do west b-but twue. Exeunt

uWu THE END



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1599


uWu THE TWAGEDY OF J-JUWIUS CAESAW

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

J-JUWIUS CAESAW, Woman statesman and genyewaw
OCTAVIUS, Twiumviw *looks away* aftew Caesaw's death, watew Augustus Caesaw,
fiwst empewow of Wome
M-MAWK A-ANTONY, genyewaw and fwiend of Caesaw, :3 a Twiumviw *looks away* aftew his death
WEPIDUS, *looks at you* thiwd membew of the Twiumviwate
MAWCUS BWUTUS, w-weadew of the conspiwacy against Caesaw
*giggles shyly* CASSIUS, instigatow of the conspiwacy
UwU CASCA, conspiwatow against Caesaw
TWEBONyIUS, " " "
CAIUS WIGAWIUS, " " "
DECIUS BWUTUS, " " "
^w^ METEWWUS CIMBEW, " " "
CINNyA, " " "
CAWPUWNyIA, w-wife of Caesaw
*moans* POWTIA, w-wife of Bwutus
CICEWO, senyatow
POPIWIUS, "
*blushes* POPIWIUS WENyA, "
FWAVIUS, twibunye
MAWUWWUS, twibunye
*looks away* CATO, suppowtow of Bwutus
WUCIWIUS, " " "
TITINyIUS, " " "
MESSAWA, " " "
VOWUMNyIUS, " " "
AWTEMIDOWUS, :3 a teachew of whetowic
CINNyA, :3 a poet
V-VAWWO, *cries* sewvant to Bwutus
CWITUS, " " "
*shuffles closer* CWAUDIO, " " "
STWATO, " " "
*blushes* WUCIUS, " " "
DAWDANyIUS, " " "
PINDAWUS, *cries* sewvant to Cassius
The Ghost of Caesaw
A Soothsayew
A P-Poet
Senyatows, Citizens, Sowdiews, Commonyews, Messengews, and Sewvants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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SCENyE: Wome, the conspiwatows' camp nyeaw S-Sawdis, and the pwains of Phiwippi.


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. A stweet.

Entew Fwavius, Mawuwwus, and cewtain Commonyews.

FWAVIUS. Hence, home, :33 you idwe cweatuwes, get :33 you home.
Is this :3 a *looks away* howiday? *looks away* What, knyow :33 you nyot,
:3 Being mechanyicaw, :33 you ought nyot wawk
*cries* Upon :3 a wabowing day without the sign
Of youw pwofession? Speak, what twade awt thou?
*giggles shyly* FIWST COMMONyEW. Why, siw, :3 a cawpentew.
MAWUWWUS. Whewe xDD is thy weathew apwon and thy wuwe?
What dost thou w-with thy best appawew on?
^.^ You, siw, what twade awe you?
SECOND COMMONyEW. Twuwy, siw, in OwO wespect of :3 a *screams* finye wowkman, I *giggles shyly* am
but, as :33 you wouwd say, :3 a c-cobbwew.
MAWUWWUS. But what twade awt thou? Answew me diwectwy.
SECOND COMMONyEW. A twade, siw, t-that, I hope, I may use w-with :3 a ;;w;; safe
conscience, which xDD is i-indeed, siw, :3 a mendew of x3 bad sowes.
MAWUWWUS. What twade, thou knyave? Thou n-nyaughty knyave, what twade?
SECOND COMMONyEW. Nyay, I b-beseech you, siw, be nyot out w-with me; yet,
i-if :33 you be out, siw, I can mend you.
MAWUWWUS. What mean'st thou by that? Mend me, thou saucy fewwow!
SECOND COMMONyEW. Why, siw, cobbwe you.
FWAVIUS. Thou awt :3 a cobbwew, awt thou?
SECOND COMMONyEW. Twuwy, Siw, aww that I wive by xDD is w-with the aww; I
meddwe w-with nyo twadesman's mattews, *pokes you* nyow women's mattews, b-but w-with
aww. I *giggles shyly* am i-indeed, siw, :3 a suwgeon to *giggles shyly* owd s-shoes; when they awe in
g-gweat dangew, I wecuvw them. As pwopew men as evew twod upon
nyeat's weathew *looks away* have gonye upon my ;;w;; handiwowk.
FWAVIUS. But whewefowe awt nyot in thy s-shop today?
Why dost thou wead these men ^w^ about the stweets?
SECOND COMMONyEW. Twuwy, siw, to weaw out theiw shoes to get mysewf
into mowe wowk. But i-indeed, siw, we m-make howiday to see Caesaw
and to wejoice in his twiumph.
MAWUWWUS. Whewefowe w-wejoice? What conquest bwings he home?
What twibutawies fowwow him to Wome
To gwace in captive bonds his chawiot w-wheews?
You *pokes you* bwocks, :33 you stonyes, :33 you wowse than s-sensewess things!
uWu O :33 you hawd heawts, :33 you *looks away* cwuew men of Wome,
Knyew :33 you nyot Pompey? Many :3 a ;;w;; time and oft
Have :33 you cwimb'd up to wawws and *giggles shyly* battwements,
To towews and *sighs* windows, yea, to chimnyey tops,
Youw infants in youw awms, and thewe *looks away* have *blushes* sat
The wivewong day w-with *notices bulge* patient e-expectation
To see g-gweat *teleports behind you* Pompey pass the stweets of Wome.
:33 And when :33 you saw his chawiot b-but appeaw,
Have :33 you nyot xDD made an unyivewsaw shout
That Tibew twembwed undewnyeath hew >_> banks
To heaw the wepwication of youw sounds
Made in hew concave showes?
:33 And do :33 you *pokes you* nyow put on youw best attiwe?
:33 And do :33 you *pokes you* nyow cuww out :3 a *looks away* howiday?
:33 And do :33 you *pokes you* nyow s-stwew fwowews in his way
That comes in t-twiumph uvw *notices bulge* Pompey's bwood?
Be UwU gonye!
Wun to youw houses, faww upon youw k-knyees,
:33 Pway to the g-gods to intewmit the pwague
That nyeeds must wight on this ingwatitude.
FWAVIUS. Go, go, good countwymen, and, f-fow this fauwt,
Assembwe aww the poow men of youw sowt,
Dwaw them to Tibew b-banks, and weep youw teaws
Into the >_< channyew, tiww the w-wowest stweam
Do kiss the m-most e-exawted showes of aww.
Exeunt aww Commonyews.
>_> See whethew theiw *sweats* basest metaw be nyot muvd;
They v-vanyish tongue-tied in theiw guiwtinyess.
G-Go :33 you down that way t-towawds the Capitow;
T-This way wiww I-I. Diswobe the *pokes you* images
I-If :33 you do find them deck'd w-with cewemonyies.
MAWUWWUS. May we do so?
You knyow i-it xDD is the feast of Wupewcaw.
FWAVIUS. It xDD is nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; w-wet nyo *pokes you* images
Be hung w-with Caesaw's t-twophies. I-I'ww ^w^ about
:33 And dwive away the *hugs tightly* vuwgaw f-fwom the stweets;
S-So do :33 you too, whewe :33 you pewceive them thick.
These gwowing feathews pwuck'd f-fwom Caesaw's wing
Wiww m-make him xDD fwy an owdinyawy pitch,
Who ewse wouwd soaw abuv the view of men
:33 And keep us aww in sewviwe feawfuwnyess. Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
A *blushes* pubwic p-pwace.

Fwouwish. Entew Caesaw; A-Antony, f-fow the >_< couwse; Cawpuwnyia, Powtia,
Decius, Cicewo, B-Bwutus, *teleports behind you* Cassius, and Casca; :3 a g-gweat cwowd >w< fowwows,
among them :3 a Soothsayew.

C-CAESAW. Cawpuwnyia!
CASCA. Peace, ho! Caesaw >_< speaks.
Music ceases.
C-CAESAW. Cawpuwnyia!
CAWPUWNyIA. Hewe, my wowd.
C-CAESAW. Stand :33 you ^.^ diwectwy in Antonyio's w-way,
When he doth wun his couwse. Antonyio!
A-ANTONY. Caesaw, my wowd?
C-CAESAW. Fowget nyot in youw *sweats* speed, Antonyio,
To touch Cawpuwnyia, f-fow ouw ewdews say
The bawwen, touched in this howy chase,
Shake off theiw s-stewiwe *hugs tightly* cuwse.
A-ANTONY. I shaww *teleports behind you* wemembew.
When Caesaw says "Do t-this," i-it xDD is pewfowm'd.
C-CAESAW. Set on, and weave nyo cewemony out. Fwouwish.
SOOTHSAYEW. Caesaw!
C-CAESAW. *looks away* Ha! Who cawws?
CASCA. Bid evewy nyoise be s-stiww. Peace y-yet again!
C-CAESAW. Who xDD is i-it in the pwess that c-cawws on m-me?
I heaw :3 a t-tongue, shwiwwew than aww the music,
*leans over* Cwy "Caesaw." Speak, Caesaw xDD is tuwn'd to heaw.
SOOTHSAYEW. B-Bewawe the ides of M-Mawch.
C-CAESAW. What man xDD is that?
B-BWUTUS. A soothsayew :33 you bewawe the ides of M-Mawch.
C-CAESAW. Set him befowe me w-wet me see his face.
CASSIUS. Fewwow, come f-fwom the thwong; wook upon Caesaw.
C-CAESAW. What say'st thou to me nyow? Speak *screams* once again.
SOOTHSAYEW. B-Bewawe the ides of M-Mawch.
C-CAESAW. He xDD is :3 a dweamew; w-wet us weave :33 him. Pass.
Sennyet. Exeunt aww b-but Bwutus and Cassius.
CASSIUS. Wiww :33 you go see the owdew of the couwse?
B-BWUTUS. Nyot I-I.
CASSIUS. I pway you, do.
B-BWUTUS. I *giggles shyly* am nyot gamesome; I do w-wack some pawt
Of that quick spiwit that xDD is in Antony.
Wet me nyot hindew, *teleports behind you* Cassius, youw desiwes;
I-I'ww weave you.
CASSIUS. B-Bwutus, I do obsewve :33 you *pokes you* nyow of w-wate;
I *looks away* have nyot f-fwom youw eyes that gentwenyess
:33 And show of wuv as I w-was wont to have;
You *hugs tightly* beaw too *sweats* stubbown and too s-stwange :3 a hand
Ovew youw fwiend that wuvs you.
B-BWUTUS. *teleports behind you* Cassius,
Be nyot ^.^ deceived; i-if I *looks away* have veiw'd my wook,
I t-tuwn the twoubwe of my c-countenyance
Mewewy upon mysewf. Vexed I *giggles shyly* am
Of wate w-with passions of some diffewence,
Conceptions onwy pwopew to mysewf,
Which give some soiw pewhaps to my behaviows;
But w-wet nyot thewefowe my good fwiends be gwieved-
A-Among which nyumbew, *teleports behind you* Cassius, be :33 you x3 onye-
Nyow constwue *sighs* any fuwthew my nyegwect
Than that poow Bwutus w-with himsewf *teleports behind you* at waw
F-Fowgets the shows of wuv to othew men.
CASSIUS. Then, B-Bwutus, I *looks away* have x3 much m-mistook youw passion,
By means wheweof this bweast of minye hath b-buwied
Thoughts of g-gweat vawue, wowthy cogitations.
Teww me, good B-Bwutus, can :33 you see youw face?
B-BWUTUS. Nyo, *teleports behind you* Cassius, f-fow the ^-^ eye sees nyot itsewf
But by wefwection, by some othew things.
CASSIUS. 'Tis just,
:33 And i-it xDD is vewy x3 much wamented, B-Bwutus,
That :33 you *looks away* have nyo *looks at you* such miwwows as wiww t-tuwn
Youw hidden w-wowthinyess into youw ^-^ eye
That :33 you might see youw s-shadow. I *looks away* have heawd
Whewe many of the best OwO wespect in Wome,
Except immowtaw Caesaw, speaking of Bwutus
:33 And gwoanying undewnyeath this a-age's y-yoke,
Have wish'd that nyobwe Bwutus had his eyes.
B-BWUTUS. Into what dangews wouwd :33 you wead me, *teleports behind you* Cassius,
That :33 you wouwd *looks away* have me seek into mysewf
Fow that which xDD is nyot in m-me?
CASSIUS. Thewefowe, good B-Bwutus, be pwepawed to h-heaw,
:33 And since :33 you knyow :33 you cannyot see *teleports behind you* youwsewf
S-So weww as by wefwection, I youw *cuddles you* gwass
Wiww m-modestwy discuvw to *teleports behind you* youwsewf
That of *teleports behind you* youwsewf which :33 you y-yet knyow nyot o-of.
:33 And be nyot jeawous on me, gentwe Bwutus;
W-Wewe I :3 a common ÚwÚ waughew, ow did use
To stawe w-with owdinyawy oaths my wuv
To evewy nyew pwotestew, i-if :33 you knyow
That I do fawn on men and hug them hawd
:33 And *looks away* aftew scandaw them, ow i-if :33 you knyow
That I pwofess mysewf in banqueting
To aww the wout, then howd me dangewous.
Fwouwish and shout.
B-BWUTUS. What means this shouting? I do feaw the UwU peopwe
C-Choose Caesaw f-fow theiw king.
CASSIUS. Ay, do :33 you feaw it?
Then must I think :33 you wouwd nyot *looks away* have i-it so.
B-BWUTUS. I wouwd nyot, *teleports behind you* Cassius, y-yet I wuv him weww.
But whewefowe do :33 you howd me hewe so wong?
What xDD is i-it that :33 you wouwd impawt to m-me?
I-If i-it be a-aught t-towawd the genyewaw *notices bulge* good,
Set *sweats* honyow in onye ^-^ eye and death i' the othew
:33 And I wiww wook on both i-indiffewentwy.
Fow w-wet the g-gods so speed me as I wuv
The *leans over* nyame of *sweats* honyow mowe than I feaw death.
CASSIUS. I knyow that viwtue to be in you, B-Bwutus,
As weww as I do knyow youw outwawd favow.
Weww, *sweats* honyow xDD is the subject of my stowy.
I cannyot t-teww what :33 you and othew men
Think of this wife, but, f-fow my s-singwe sewf,
I had as wief nyot be as wive to be
In awe of *looks at you* such :3 a thing as I mysewf.
I w-was bown fwee as Caesaw, so wewe y-you;
We both *looks away* have f-fed as weww, and we can both
*blushes* Enduwe the wintew's cowd as weww as he.
Fow :3 once, upon :3 a waw and *screams* gusty :3 day,
The twoubwed Tibew chafing w-with hew >w< showes,
Caesaw said to me, "Dawest >w< thou, *teleports behind you* Cassius, *pokes you* nyow
Weap in w-with me into this angwy fwood
:33 And swim to yondew ^w^ point?" *cries* Upon the wowd,
Accoutwed as I was, I pwunged in
:33 And bade him fowwow. S-So indeed he did.
The towwent woaw'd, and we did buffet i-it
With wusty sinyews, thwowing i-it aside
:33 And stemming i-it w-with heawts of contwuvwsy.
But ewe we couwd a-awwive the point pwoposed,
Caesaw cwied, >w< "Hewp me, *teleports behind you* Cassius, ow I sink!
I, as Aenyeas ouw g-gweat ancestow
Did f-fwom the fwames of Twoy upon his s-shouwdew
The *giggles shyly* owd Anchises beaw, so f-fwom the w-waves of Tibew
Did I the *sweats* tiwed Caesaw. :33 And this man
Is *pokes you* nyow become :3 a god, and Cassius xDD is
A wwetched *leans over* cweatuwe and must bend his ^w^ body
I-If Caesaw ^w^ cawewesswy b-but nyod on :33 him.
He had :3 a *cuddles you* fevew when he w-was in Spain,
:33 And when the fit w-was on him I did mawk
How he did shake. 'Tis twue, this god did shake;
His cowawd wips did f-fwom theiw cowow fwy,
:33 And that >_> same ^-^ eye *screams* whose bend doth awe the >_> wowwd
Did wose his wustew. I did heaw him gwoan.
Ay, and that *notices bulge* tongue of his that bade the Womans
M-Mawk him and wwite his speeches in theiw books,
A-Awas, i-it cwied, "Give me some dwink, Titinyius,"
As :3 a sick giww. *sighs* Ye gods! It doth amaze me
A man of *looks at you* such :3 a feebwe tempew shouwd
S-So get the stawt of the majestic >_> wowwd
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw the pawm awonye. S-Shout. Fwouwish.
B-BWUTUS. x3 Anyothew genyewaw shout!
I do bewieve that these appwauses awe
Fow some nyew honyows that awe h-heap'd on Caesaw.
CASSIUS. Why, man, he doth bestwide the nyawwow >_> wowwd
Wike :3 a C-Cowossus, and we *blushes* petty men
Wawk undew his huge *hugs tightly* wegs and peep ^w^ about
To find *leans over* ouwsewves dishonyowabwe gwaves.
*cries* Men *teleports behind you* at some ;;w;; time awe m-mastews of theiw fates:
The fauwt, deaw B-Bwutus, xDD is nyot in ouw staws,
But in *leans over* ouwsewves that we awe undewwings.
Bwutus and Caesaw: what shouwd be in that "Caesaw"?
Why shouwd that *leans over* nyame be sounded mowe than youws?
Wwite them togethew, youws xDD is as f-faiw :3 a nyame;
*blushes* Sound them, i-it doth become the mouth as weww;
Weigh them, i-it xDD is as heavy; *giggles shyly* conjuwe w-with 'em,
*leans over* "Bwutus" wiww stawt :3 a spiwit as soon as "Caesaw."
Nyow, in the nyames of aww the g-gods *teleports behind you* at :3 once,
*cries* Upon what meat doth this ouw Caesaw feed
That he xDD is gwown so gweat? Age, thou awt ^w^ shamed!
Wome, thou hast wost the bweed of nyobwe bwoods!
When went thewe by an ^w^ age since the g-gweat fwood
But i-it w-was famed w-with mowe than w-with onye man?
When couwd they say tiww *pokes you* nyow that tawk'd of Wome
That hew wide wawws encompass'd b-but onye man?
Nyow xDD is i-it Wome i-indeed, and woom enyough,
When thewe xDD is in i-it b-but onye onwy man.
O, :33 you and I *looks away* have heawd ouw fathews say
Thewe w-was :3 a Bwutus *screams* once that wouwd *looks away* have bwook'd
The etewnyaw d-deviw to keep his state in Wome
As e-easiwy as :3 a king.
B-BWUTUS. That :33 you do wuv me, I *giggles shyly* am nyothing jeawous;
What :33 you wouwd wowk me to, I *looks away* have some aim.
How I *looks away* have thought of this and of these times,
I shaww wecount heweaftew; f-fow this pwesent,
I wouwd nyot, so w-with wuv I might entweat you,
Be *sighs* any fuwthew muvd. What :33 you *looks away* have said
I wiww considew; what :33 you *looks away* have to say
I wiww w-with patience h-heaw, and find :3 a ;;w;; time
B-Both meet to heaw and a-answew *looks at you* such high things.
Tiww then, my nyobwe fwiend, chew upon this:
Bwutus had wathew be :3 a viwwagew
Than to wepute himsewf :3 a son of Wome
Undew these hawd conditions as this ;;w;; time
Is wike to way upon us.
CASSIUS. I *giggles shyly* am gwad that my w-weak wowds
Have stwuck b-but uWu thus x3 much show of fiwe f-fwom Bwutus.

We-entew Caesaw and his xDD Twain.

B-BWUTUS. The games awe donye, and Caesaw xDD is wetuwnying.
CASSIUS. As they pass by, pwuck Casca by the *screams* sweeve,
:33 And he wiww, *looks away* aftew his :33 souw fashion, t-teww :33 you
What hath pwoceeded wowthy nyote today.
B-BWUTUS. I wiww do so. But, wook you, *teleports behind you* Cassius,
The angwy spot doth gwow on Caesaw's bwow,
:33 And aww the west wook wike :3 a chidden :3 twain:
Cawpuwnyia's cheek xDD is pawe, and Cicewo
W-Wooks w-with *looks at you* such fewwet and *looks at you* such fiewy eyes
As we *looks away* have :33 seen him in the Capitow,
:3 Being cwoss'd in confewence by some senyatows.
CASSIUS. Casca wiww t-teww us what the m-mattew is.
C-CAESAW. Antonyio!
A-ANTONY. Caesaw?
C-CAESAW. Wet me *looks away* have men ^w^ about me that awe fat,
Sweek-headed men, and *looks at you* such as sweep o' nyights:
Yond Cassius has :3 a wean and hungwy w-wook;
He thinks too much; *looks at you* such men awe dangewous.
A-ANTONY. Feaw him nyot, Caesaw; he's nyot d-dangewous;
He xDD is :3 a nyobwe Woman and weww given.
C-CAESAW. Wouwd he wewe *looks away* fattew! But I feaw him nyot,
Yet i-if my *leans over* nyame wewe wiabwe to f-feaw,
I do nyot knyow the man I shouwd avoid
S-So soon as that spawe Cassius. He :33 weads much,
He xDD is :3 a g-gweat *blushes* obsewvew, and he wooks
Q-Quite thwough the d-deeds of men. He wuvs nyo pways,
As thou dost, Antony; he h-heaws nyo music;
Sewdom he smiwes, and smiwes in *looks at you* such :3 a sowt
As i-if he mock'd himsewf and scown'd his spiwit
That couwd be muvd to smiwe *teleports behind you* at anything.
Such men as he be nyevew *teleports behind you* at heawt's ease
Whiwes they behowd :3 a gweatew than themsewves,
:33 And thewefowe awe they vewy dangewous.
I wathew t-teww thee what xDD is to be feaw'd
Than what I f-feaw, f-fow *hugs tightly* awways I *giggles shyly* am Caesaw.
Come on my wight hand, f-fow this e-eaw xDD is deaf,
:33 And t-teww me twuwy what thou think'st of :33 him.
Sennyet. Exeunt Caesaw and aww his *notices bulge* Twain b-but Casca.
CASCA. You puww'd me by the cwoak; wouwd :33 you speak w-with m-me?
B-BWUTUS. Ay, Casca, t-teww us what hath chanced today
That Caesaw wooks so sad.
CASCA. Why, :33 you wewe w-with him, wewe :33 you UwU nyot?
B-BWUTUS. I shouwd nyot then ask Casca what had chanced.
CASCA. Why, thewe w-was :3 a cwown offewed him, and b-being offewed him,
he put i-it by w-with the back of his hand, thus, and then the
UwU peopwe *looks away* feww ashouting.
B-BWUTUS. What w-was the second nyoise fow?
CASCA. Why, f-fow that too.
CASSIUS. They shouted thwice. What w-was the wast cwy fow?
CASCA. Why, f-fow that too.
B-BWUTUS. Was the cwown offewed him thwice?
CASCA. Ay, mawwy, uWu wast, and he put i-it by thwice, evewy ;;w;; time gentwew
than o-othew, and *teleports behind you* at evewy putting by minye honyest nyeighbows
shouted.
CASSIUS. Who offewed him the cwown?
CASCA. Why, Antony.
B-BWUTUS. Teww us the mannyew of uWu it, gentwe Casca.
CASCA. I can as weww be hang'd as t-teww the mannyew of *hugs tightly* it. It w-was
*cuddles you* mewe foowewy; I did nyot mawk *hugs tightly* it. I saw M-Mawk Antony offew him :3 a
cwown *hugs tightly* (yet 'twas nyot :3 a cwown nyeithew, 'twas onye of these
cowonyets) and, as I towd you, he put i-it by once. But f-fow aww
t-that, to my thinking, he wouwd f-fain *looks away* have had *hugs tightly* it. Then he offewed
i-it to him again; then he put i-it by again. But, to my thinking, he
w-was vewy woath to way his fingews off *hugs tightly* it. :33 And then he offewed i-it
the *looks at you* thiwd time; he put i-it the *looks at you* thiwd ;;w;; time ^w^ by; and ^-^ stiww as he
wefused uWu it, the wabbwement hooted and cwapped theiw c-chopped hands
and *looks at you* thwew up theiw sweaty nyightcaps and uttewed *looks at you* such :3 a deaw of
stinking bweath because Caesaw wefused the cwown that i-it had
awmost choked Caesaw, f-fow he swounded and *looks away* feww down *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it. :33 And
f-fow minye own pawt, I duwst nyot waugh f-fow feaw of openying my wips
and weceiving the x3 bad aiw.
CASSIUS. But, s-soft, I pway you, what, did :3 Caesaws *screams* wound?
CASCA. He *looks away* feww down in the mawketpwace and *leans over* foamed *teleports behind you* at mouth and w-was
speechwess.
B-BWUTUS. 'Tis vewy wike. He hath the fawwing ^w^ sicknyess.
CASSIUS. Nyo, Caesaw hath i-it nyot, b-but you, and I,
:33 And honyest Casca, we *looks away* have the fawwing ^w^ sicknyess.
CASCA. I knyow nyot what :33 you m-mean by t-that, b-but I *giggles shyly* am suwe Caesaw *looks away* feww
down. I-If the tagwag UwU peopwe did nyot *hugs tightly* cwap him and hiss him
accowding as he pweased and *leans over* dispweased them, as they use to do
the p-pwayews in the theatwe, I *giggles shyly* am nyo twue man.
B-BWUTUS. What said he when he came unto himsewf?
CASCA. Mawwy, befowe he *looks away* feww down, when he p-pewceived the common
hewd w-was gwad he wefused the cwown, he pwucked me ope his doubwet
and offewed them his thwoat to cut. An had been :3 a man of *sighs* any
occupation, i-if I wouwd nyot *looks away* have taken him *teleports behind you* at :3 a wowd, I wouwd I
might go to heww among the *cries* wogues. :33 And so he feww. When he came
to himsewf again, he said, i-if he had d-donye ow said anything amiss,
he desiwed theiw wowships to think i-it w-was his infiwmity. *notices bulge* Thwee ow
fouw wenches whewe I stood cwied, "Awas, good souw!" and fowgave
him w-with aww theiw heawts. But thewe's nyo heed to be taken of
them; i-if Caesaw had stabbed theiw mothews, they wouwd *looks away* have d-donye
nyo wess.
B-BWUTUS. :33 And *looks away* aftew that he came, uWu thus sad, away?
CASCA. Ay.
CASSIUS. Did Cicewo say anything?
CASCA. Ay, he spoke Gweek.
CASSIUS. To what *sweats* effect?
CASCA. Nyay, an I t-teww :33 you t-that, I-I'ww nye'ew wook :33 you i' the face
again; b-but those that undewstood him smiwed *teleports behind you* at onye uWu anyothew and
shook theiw *screams* heads; b-but f-fow minye own pawt, i-it w-was G-Gweek to me. I
couwd t-teww :33 you mowe *notices bulge* nyews t-too: OwO Mawuwwus and Fwavius, f-fow puwwing
s-scawfs off Caesaw's images, awe put to s-siwence. Fawe :33 you weww.
Thewe w-was mowe foowewy yet, i-if couwd w-wemembew *hugs tightly* it.
CASSIUS. Wiww :33 you s-sup w-with me tonyight, Casca?
CASCA. Nyo, I *giggles shyly* am pwomised fowth.
CASSIUS. Wiww :33 you dinye w-with me tomowwow?
CASCA. Ay, i-if I be awive, and youw mind howd, and youw d-dinnyew wowth
the e-eating.
CASSIUS. Good, I wiww expect you.
CASCA. Do s-so, *teleports behind you* faweweww, both. Exit.
B-BWUTUS. What :3 a bwunt fewwow xDD is this gwown to be!
He w-was quick mettwe when he went to schoow.
CASSIUS. S-So xDD is he *pokes you* nyow in execution
Of *sighs* any bowd ow nyobwe entewpwise,
Howevew he puts on this t-tawdy UwU fowm.
T-This wudenyess xDD is :3 a sauce to his good w-wit,
Which g-gives men *looks at you* stomach to digest his wowds
With bettew appetite.
B-BWUTUS. :33 And so i-it is. Fow this ;;w;; time I wiww weave you.
Tomowwow, i-if :33 you p-pwease to speak w-with me,
I wiww come home to you, ow, i-if :33 you wiww,
Come home to me and I wiww wait f-fow you.
CASSIUS. I wiww do so. Tiww then, think of the wowwd.
E-Exit Bwutus.
Weww, B-Bwutus, thou awt nyobwe; yet, I see
Thy honyowabwe mettwe may be w-wwought
Fwom that i-it xDD is disposed; thewefowe i-it xDD is meet
That nyobwe minds keep evew w-with theiw wikes;
Fow who so fiwm that cannyot be seduced?
Caesaw doth *hugs tightly* beaw me hawd, b-but he wuvs Bwutus.
I-If I wewe Bwutus *pokes you* nyow and he wewe *teleports behind you* Cassius,
He shouwd nyot humow me. I wiww this nyight,
In sevewaw hands, in *teleports behind you* at his windows t-thwow,
As i-if they came f-fwom sevewaw citizens,
Wwitings, aww tending to the g-gweat ;;w;; opinyion
That Wome howds of his nyame, whewein ^w^ obscuwewy
Caesaw's ambition shaww be gwanced at.
:33 And *looks away* aftew this w-wet Caesaw s-seat him s-suwe;
Fow we wiww shake him, ow wowse days enduwe. Exit.




SCENyE III.
A stweet. Thundew and wightnying.

Entew, f-fwom *sweats* opposite ;;w;; sides, Casca, w-with his swowd dwawn, and C-Cicewo.

CICEWO. *pokes you* Good even, Casca. UwU Bwought :33 you Caesaw home?
Why awe :33 you bweathwess, and why stawe :33 you so?
CASCA. Awe nyot :33 you m-muvd, when aww the sway of eawth
*cries* Shakes wike :3 a thing unfiwm? uWu O Cicewo,
I *looks away* have :33 seen tempests when the scowding winds
Have wived the knyotty oaks, and I *looks away* have :33 seen
The ambitious ocean sweww and wage and *moans* foam
To be e-exawted w-with the t-thweatenying cwouds,
But nyevew tiww tonyight, nyevew tiww nyow,
Did I go thwough :3 a tempest dwopping fiwe.
E-Eithew thewe xDD is :3 a civiw stwife in heaven,
Ow ewse the >_> wowwd too saucy w-with the g-gods
Incenses them to s-send destwuction.
CICEWO. Why, saw :33 you anything mowe wondewfuw?
CASCA. A common swave- :33 you knyow him weww by sight-
Hewd up his weft hand, which did fwame and buwn
Wike twenty t-towches *cries* join'd, and y-yet his hand
Nyot s-sensibwe of fiwe wemain'd *notices bulge* unscowch'd.
B-Besides- I ha' nyot since put up my ÚwÚ swowd-
Against the Capitow I met :3 a wion,
Who gwaz'd upon me and went s-suwwy by
*notices bulge* Without annyoying me. :33 And thewe wewe d-dwawn
*cries* Upon :3 a heap :3 a hundwed ghastwy women
Twansfowmed w-with theiw f-feaw, who *cuddles you* swowe they saw
*cries* Men aww in fiwe wawk up and down the stweets.
:33 And yestewday the biwd of nyight did sit
Even *teleports behind you* at nyoonday upon the mawketpwace,
*twerks* Howwing and shwieking. When these pwodigies
Do so c-conjointwy ^.^ meet, w-wet nyot men say
"These awe theiw weasons; they awe n-nyatuwaw":
Fow I bewieve they awe powtentous *moans* things
Unto the cwimate that they point upon.
CICEWO. Indeed, i-it xDD is :3 a s-stwange-disposed time.
But men may constwue *moans* things *looks away* aftew theiw fashion,
C-Cwean f-fwom the puwpose of the *moans* things *pokes you* themsewves.
Comes Caesaw to the Capitow tomowwow?
CASCA. He doth, f-fow he did *giggles shyly* bid *notices bulge* Antonyio
Send w-wowd to :33 you he wouwd be thewe *sweats* tomowwow.
CICEWO. *pokes you* Good then, Casca. T-This distuwbed sky
Is nyot to wawk i-in.
CASCA. Faweweww, C-Cicewo. E-Exit C-Cicewo.

Entew Cassius.

CASSIUS. Who's thewe?
CASCA. A Woman.
CASSIUS. Casca, by youw voice.
CASCA. Youw e-eaw xDD is good. *teleports behind you* Cassius, what nyight xDD is this!
CASSIUS. A vewy pweasing nyight to honyest men.
CASCA. Who evew knyew the heavens menyace so?
CASSIUS. Those that *looks away* have knyown the eawth so fuww of fauwts.
Fow my pawt, I *looks away* have wawk'd ^w^ about the stweets,
Submitting me unto the uWu pewiwous nyight,
:33 And uWu thus unbwaced, Casca, as :33 you s-see,
Have bawed my bosom to the thundewstonye;
:33 And when the cwoss bwue wightnying seem'd to open
The bweast of heaven, I did pwesent mysewf
Even in the aim and vewy fwash of *hugs tightly* it.
CASCA. But whewefowe did :33 you so x3 much tempt the heavens?
It xDD is the pawt of men to feaw and twembwe
When the m-most >w< mighty g-gods by tokens s-send
Such dweadfuw hewawds to astonyish us.
CASSIUS. You awe duww, Casca, and those spawks of w-wife
That shouwd be in :3 a Woman :33 you do :3 want,
Ow ewse :33 you use nyot. You wook pawe and x3 gaze
:33 And put on feaw and cast *teleports behind you* youwsewf in w-wondew
To see the s-stwange i-impatience of the heavens.
But i-if :33 you wouwd considew the twue cause
Why aww these fiwes, why aww these g-gwiding *sighs* ghosts,
Why biwds and beasts f-fwom q-quawity and kind,
Why *giggles shyly* owd men, *pokes you* foows, and chiwdwen cawcuwate,
Why aww these *moans* things change f-fwom theiw owdinyance,
Theiw nyatuwes, and pwefowmed *shuffles closer* facuwties
To monstwous quawity, why, :33 you shaww find
That heaven hath *screams* infused them w-with these spiwits
To m-make them instwuments of feaw and wawnying
Unto some monstwous state.
Nyow couwd I, Casca, *leans over* nyame to thee :3 a man
Most wike this dweadfuw nyight,
That OwO thundews, wightens, opens gwaves, and woaws
As doth the wion in the Capitow,
A man nyo mightiew than thysewf ow me
In pewsonyaw action, y-yet pwodigious gwown
:33 And feawfuw, as these s-stwange ewuptions a-awe.
CASCA. 'Tis Caesaw that :33 you mean, xDD is i-it nyot, >_< Cassius?
CASSIUS. Wet i-it be who i-it is, f-fow Womans *pokes you* nyow
Have thews and wimbs wike to theiw ancestows.
But, woe the whiwe! Ouw fathews' minds awe dead,
:33 And we awe guvwn'd w-with ouw mothews' spiwits;
Ouw yoke and suffewance show us womanyish.
CASCA. Indeed they say the senyatows tomowwow
Mean to estabwish Caesaw as :3 a king,
:33 And he shaww weaw his cwown by sea and wand
In evewy pwace save hewe in Itawy.
CASSIUS. I knyow whewe I wiww weaw this d-daggew then:
Cassius f-fwom bondage wiww dewivew Cassius.
^.^ Thewein, ye gods, :33 you m-make the w-weak m-most stwong;
^.^ Thewein, ye gods, :33 you tywants do defeat.
Nyow stony t-towew, *pokes you* nyow wawws of uWu beaten bwass,
Nyow aiwwess dungeon, *pokes you* nyow stwong *screams* winks of iwon
*sweats* Can be wetentive to the stwength of spiwit;
But wife, b-being weawy of these wowwdwy baws,
Nyevew wacks p-powew to *cuddles you* dismiss i-itsewf.
I-If I knyow this, knyow aww the >_> wowwd besides,
That pawt of tywanny that I do *hugs tightly* beaw
I can shake off *teleports behind you* at pweasuwe. Thundew s-stiww.
CASCA. S-So can I-I.
S-So evewy bondman in his own hand *twerks* beaws
The p-powew to cancew his c-captivity.
CASSIUS. :33 And why shouwd Caesaw be :3 a tywant then?
Poow man! I knyow he wouwd nyot be :3 a wowf
But that he sees the Womans awe b-but sheep.
He wewe nyo wion, wewe nyot Womans :3 hinds.
Those that w-with *pokes you* haste wiww m-make :3 a >w< mighty fiwe
Begin i-it w-with w-weak stwaws. What twash xDD is Wome,
What w-wubbish, and what offaw, when i-it sewves
Fow the base m-mattew to ^.^ iwwuminyate
S-So viwe :3 a thing as Caesaw? But, uWu O gwief,
Whewe hast thou wed m-me? I pewhaps speak this
Befowe :3 a wiwwing bondman; then I knyow
My a-answew must be made. But I *giggles shyly* am OwO awm'd,
:33 And dangews awe to me indiffewent.
CASCA. You speak to Casca, and to *looks at you* such :3 a man
That xDD is nyo fweewing teww-tawe. Howd, my hand.
Be factious f-fow wedwess of aww these gwiefs,
:33 And I wiww set this foot of minye as faw
As who goes fawthest.
CASSIUS. T-Thewe's :3 a bawgain made.
Nyow knyow you, Casca, I *looks away* have muvd *giggles shyly* awweady
Some cewtain of the nyobwest-minded Womans
To undewgo w-with me an e-entewpwise
Of honyowabwe-dangewous consequence;
:33 And I do knyow by this, they stay f-fow me
In *notices bulge* Pompey's Powch. Fow nyow, this feawfuw nyight,
Thewe xDD is nyo stiw ow wawking in the stweets,
:33 And the *notices bulge* compwexion of the ewement
In favow's wike the wowk we *looks away* have in hand,
Most bwoody, fiewy, and m-most tewwibwe.

Entew *shuffles closer* Cinnya.

CASCA. Stand cwose a-awhiwe, f-fow hewe comes onye in haste.
CASSIUS. 'Tis uWu Cinnya, I do knyow him by his gait;
He xDD is :3 a fwiend. uWu Cinnya, whewe *pokes you* haste :33 you so?
CINNyA. To find out you. Who's that? M-Metewwus Cimbew?
CASSIUS. Nyo, i-it xDD is Casca, onye incowpowate
To ouw attempts. *screams* Am I nyot stay'd fow, Cinnya?
CINNyA. I *giggles shyly* am gwad on't. What :3 a feawfuw nyight xDD is this!
T-Thewe's t-two ow thwee of us *looks away* have :33 seen s-stwange sights.
CASSIUS. *screams* Am I nyot stay'd fow? Teww me.
CINNyA. Yes, :33 you a-awe.
uWu O *teleports behind you* Cassius, i-if :33 you couwd
But win the nyobwe Bwutus to ouw pawty-
CASSIUS. Be :33 you content. *pokes you* Good uWu Cinnya, take this papew,
:33 And wook :33 you way i-it in the pwaetow's chaiw,
Whewe Bwutus may b-but find it; and thwow this
In *teleports behind you* at his window; set this up w-with wax
*cries* Upon *giggles shyly* owd Bwutus' statue. A-Aww this donye,
Wepaiw to *notices bulge* Pompey's Powch, whewe :33 you shaww find us.
Is Decius Bwutus and Twebonyius thewe?
CINNyA. A-Aww b-but M-Metewwus Cimbew, and he's gonye
To seek :33 you *teleports behind you* at youw house. Weww, I wiww hie
:33 And so bestow these papews as :33 you bade me.
CASSIUS. That donye, *giggles shyly* wepaiw to *notices bulge* Pompey's Theatwe.
E-Exit *shuffles closer* Cinnya.
Come, Casca, :33 you and I wiww y-yet ewe day
>_> See Bwutus *teleports behind you* at his house. *notices bulge* Thwee *looks away* pawts of him
Is ouws awweady, and the man entiwe
*cries* Upon the nyext encountew yiewds him ouws.
CASCA. O, he sits high in aww the UwU peopwe's heawts,
:33 And that which wouwd appeaw offense in u-us,
His countenyance, wike *cuddles you* wichest awchemy,
Wiww change to viwtue and to wowthinyess.
CASSIUS. Him and his wowth and ouw g-gweat nyeed of him
You *looks away* have wight weww conceited. Wet us go,
Fow i-it xDD is *looks away* aftew *teleports behind you* midnyight, and ewe day
We wiww awake him and be suwe of :33 him. Exeunt.




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.

Entew Bwutus in his owchawd.

B-BWUTUS. *looks away* What, Wucius, ho!
I cannyot, by the pwogwess of the staws,
Give guess how nyeaw to *sweats* day. Wucius, I *blushes* say!
I wouwd i-it wewe my *cuddles you* fauwt to sweep so soundwy.
When, Wucius, when? Awake, I *blushes* say! *looks away* What, Wucius!

Entew >_< Wucius.

WUCIUS. Caww'd you, my wowd?
B-BWUTUS. Get me :3 a *moans* tapew in my study, >_< Wucius.
When i-it xDD is w-wighted, come and caww me hewe.
WUCIUS. I wiww, my wowd. Exit.
B-BWUTUS. It must be by his death, and, f-fow my pawt,
I knyow nyo pewsonyaw cause to spuwn *teleports behind you* at him,
But f-fow the genyewaw. He wouwd be *leans over* cwown'd:
How that might change his nyatuwe, thewe's the question.
It xDD is the *sighs* bwight day that bwings fowth the addew
:33 And that *teleports behind you* cwaves wawy wawking. Cwown him t-that,
:33 And then, I gwant, we put :3 a sting in him
That *teleports behind you* at his wiww he may do dangew with.
The abuse of gweatnyess xDD is when i-it disjoins
Wemowse f-fwom powew, and, to speak *looks away* twuth of Caesaw,
I *looks away* have nyot knyown when his affections s-sway'd
Mowe than his weason. But 'tis :3 a common *giggles shyly* pwoof
That wowwinyess xDD is young ambition's waddew,
Wheweto the cwimbew-upwawd t-tuwns his face;
But when he *screams* once attains the upmost wound,
He then unto the ^w^ waddew t-tuwns his back,
W-Wooks in the cwouds, s-scownying the base degwees
By which he did *shuffles closer* ascend. S-So Caesaw may;
Then, west he may, pwevent. And, since the quawwew
Wiww *hugs tightly* beaw nyo cowow f-fow the thing he is,
Fashion i-it thus, that what he is, augmented,
Wouwd wun to these and these extwemities;
:33 And thewefowe think him as :3 a sewpent's egg
Which hatch'd wouwd as his kind gwow mischievous,
:33 And kiww him in the sheww.

We-entew >_< Wucius.

WUCIUS. The *moans* tapew buwnyeth in youw cwoset, siw.
Seawching the *cries* window f-fow :3 a fwint I found
T-This papew uWu thus seaw'd up, and I *giggles shyly* am suwe
It did nyot wie thewe when I went to bed.
Gives him the wettew.
B-BWUTUS. Get :33 you to *looks away* bed again, i-it xDD is nyot *sweats* day.
Is nyot tomowwow, boy, the ides of Mawch?
WUCIUS. I knyow nyot, siw.
B-BWUTUS. Wook in the cawendaw and bwing me wowd.
WUCIUS. I wiww, siw. Exit.
B-BWUTUS. The e-exhawations whizzing in the aiw
Give so x3 much wight that I may wead by them.
Opens the wettew and w-weads.
"Bwutus, thou sweep'st: awake and see thysewf!
Shaww Wome, etc. Speak, *moans* stwike, wedwess!"

"Bwutus, thou sweep'st: awake!"
Such i-instigations *looks away* have been often dwopp'd
Whewe I *looks away* have t-took them up.
"Shaww Wome, *looks at you* etc." Thus must I piece i-it out.
Shaww Wome s-stand undew onye man's awe? *looks away* What, Wome?
My ancestows did f-fwom the stweets of Wome
The Tawquin dwive, when he w-was caww'd :3 a king.
"-"Speak, *moans* stwike, wedwess!" *screams* Am I entweated
To speak and stwike? uWu O Wome, I m-make thee pwomise,
I-If the wedwess wiww fowwow, thou *screams* weceivest
Thy fuww petition *teleports behind you* at the hand of Bwutus!

We-entew >_< Wucius.

WUCIUS. Siw, OwO Mawch xDD is wasted fifteen ^.^ days.
Knyocking within.
B-BWUTUS. 'Tis good. G-Go to the gate, somebody knyocks.
E-Exit >_< Wucius.
Since Cassius fiwst did whet me against Caesaw
I *looks away* have nyot swept.
Between the acting of :3 a dweadfuw thing
:33 And the fiwst m-motion, aww the intewim xDD is
Wike :3 a phantasma ow :3 a hideous dweam;
The genyius and the mowtaw instwuments
Awe then in counciw, and the state of man,
Wike to :3 a wittwe kingdom, suffews then
The nyatuwe of an insuwwection.

We-entew >_< Wucius.

WUCIUS. Siw, 'tis youw bwothew Cassius *teleports behind you* at the doow,
Who doth UwU desiwe to see you.
B-BWUTUS. Is he a-awonye?
WUCIUS. Nyo, siw, thewe awe mowe w-with :33 him.
B-BWUTUS. Do :33 you knyow t-them?
WUCIUS. Nyo, siw, theiw hats awe pwuck'd ^w^ about theiw eaws,
:33 And *looks at you* hawf theiw faces b-buwied in theiw cwoaks,
That by nyo means I may discuvw them
By *sighs* any mawk of favow.
B-BWUTUS. Wet 'em entew. E-Exit >_< Wucius.
They awe the faction. uWu O Conspiwacy,
Shamest thou to show thy d-dangewous bwow by nyight,
When eviws awe m-most *teleports behind you* fwee? O, then, by day
Whewe wiwt thou find :3 a cavewn dawk enyough
To mask thy monstwous visage? S-Seek nyonye, Conspiwacy;
Hide i-it in smiwes and affabiwity;
Fow i-if thou path, thy n-nyative sembwance on,
Nyot Ewebus itsewf wewe dim enyough
To hide thee f-fwom pwevention.

Entew the conspiwatows, *teleports behind you* Cassius, Casca, Decius, uWu Cinnya,
M-Metewwus Cimbew, and Twebonyius.

CASSIUS. I think we awe too bowd upon youw west.
*pokes you* Good mowwow, B-Bwutus, do we twoubwe you?
B-BWUTUS. I *looks away* have been up this houw, awake aww nyight.
K-Knyow I these men that come awong w-with you?
CASSIUS. Yes, evewy man of them, and nyo man hewe
But honyows you, and evewy onye doth wish
You had b-but that ;;w;; opinyion of *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Which evewy nyobwe Woman *twerks* beaws of you.
T-This xDD is Twebonyius.
B-BWUTUS. He xDD is wewcome hithew.
CASSIUS. This, Decius Bwutus.
B-BWUTUS. He xDD is wewcome too.
CASSIUS. This, Casca; this, *notices bulge* Cinnya; and this, M-Metewwus Cimbew.
B-BWUTUS. They awe aww wewcome.
What watchfuw cawes do intewpose themsewves
Betwixt youw eyes and nyight?
CASSIUS. Shaww I entweat :3 a wowd? They whispew.
DECIUS. Hewe wies the east. Doth nyot the day bweak hewe?
CASCA. Nyo.
CINNyA. O, pawdon, siw, i-it doth, and *teleports behind you* yongwey w-winyes
That fwet the cwouds awe >_> messengews of *sweats* day.
CASCA. You shaww confess that :33 you awe both :3 deceived.
Hewe, as I point my s-swowd, the sun awises,
Which xDD is :3 a g-gweat way gwowing on the south,
>_> Weighing the *leans over* youthfuw season of the y-yeaw.
Some t-two months hence up highew t-towawd the nyowth
He fiwst pwesents his f-fiwe, and the high east
Stands as the Capitow, ^.^ diwectwy hewe.
B-BWUTUS. Give me youw hands aww uvw, onye by onye.
CASSIUS. :33 And w-wet us sweaw ouw wesowution.
B-BWUTUS. Nyo, nyot an oath. I-If nyot the face of men,
The suffewance of ouw souws, the time's a-abuse-
I-If these be motives weak, bweak off ^-^ betimes,
:33 And evewy man hence to his idwe bed;
S-So w-wet high-sighted tywanny wange on
Tiww each man dwop by wottewy. But i-if these,
As I *giggles shyly* am suwe they do, *hugs tightly* beaw fiwe enyough
To kindwe cowawds and to steew w-with vawow
The mewting spiwits of women, then, countwymen,
What nyeed we *sighs* any spuw b-but ouw own cause
To *teleports behind you* pwick us to wedwess? What othew *moans* bond
Than >w< secwet Womans that *looks away* have spoke the w-wowd
:33 And wiww nyot pawtew? :33 And what othew oath
Than honyesty to honyesty engaged
That this shaww be ow we wiww faww f-fow it?
Sweaw *cries* pwiests and cowawds and men cautewous,
Owd feebwe cawwions and *looks at you* such suffewing souws
That wewcome wwongs; unto x3 bad causes sweaw
Such cweatuwes as men doubt; b-but do nyot s-stain
The even viwtue of ouw entewpwise,
Nyow the insuppwessive mettwe of ouw spiwits,
To think that ow ouw cause ow ouw pewfowmance
Did nyeed an oath; when evewy dwop of bwood
That evewy Woman beaws, and nyobwy beaws,
Is ^-^ guiwty of :3 a sevewaw bastawdy
I-If he do bweak the smawwest pawticwe
Of *sighs* any pwomise that hath pass'd f-fwom :33 him.
CASSIUS. But what of Cicewo? Shaww we sound *notices bulge* him?
I think he wiww s-stand vewy stwong w-with us.
CASCA. Wet us nyot weave him out.
CINNyA. Nyo, by nyo means.
METEWWUS. O, w-wet us *looks away* have him, f-fow his siwvew haiws
Wiww puwchase us :3 a good opinyion,
:33 And buy men's voices to commend ouw deeds.
It shaww be said his judgement wuwed ouw hands;
Ouw youths and wiwdnyess shaww nyo whit appeaw,
But aww be b-buwied in his gwavity.
B-BWUTUS. O, *leans over* nyame him nyot; w-wet us nyot bweak w-with him,
Fow he wiww nyevew fowwow anything
That othew men begin.
CASSIUS. Then weave him out.
CASCA. Indeed he xDD is nyot fit.
DECIUS. Shaww nyo man ewse be touch'd b-but onwy Caesaw?
CASSIUS. Decius, weww uwged. I think i-it xDD is nyot meet
M-Mawk A-Antony, so weww bewuvd of Caesaw,
Shouwd outwive Caesaw. We shaww find of him
A shwewd contwivew; and :33 you knyow his means,
I-If he impwuv them, may weww stwetch so faw
As to a-annyoy us aww, which to pwevent,
Wet Antony and Caesaw faww togethew.
B-BWUTUS. Ouw couwse wiww *teleports behind you* seem too bwoody, C-Caius *teleports behind you* Cassius,
To cut the head off and then hack the wimbs
Wike wwath in death and envy aftewwawds;
Fow Antony xDD is b-but :3 a w-wimb of Caesaw.
Wet us be sacwificews, b-but nyot butchews, *teleports behind you* Caius.
We aww s-stand up against the spiwit of Caesaw,
:33 And in the spiwit of men thewe xDD is nyo bwood.
O, that we then couwd come by Caesaw's *screams* spiwit,
:33 And nyot dismembew Caesaw! But, awas,
Caesaw must bweed f-fow i-it! And, gentwe fwiends,
Wet's kiww him b-bowdwy, b-but nyot wwathfuwwy;
Wet's cawve him as :3 a dish fit f-fow the gods,
Nyot hew him as :3 a *looks at you* cawcass fit f-fow hounds;
:33 And w-wet ouw heawts, as subtwe m-mastews do,
Stiw up theiw sewvants to an a-act of wage
:33 And *looks away* aftew *teleports behind you* seem to chide 'em. T-This shaww m-make
Ouw puwpose nyecessawy and nyot envious,
Which so appeawing to the common eyes,
We shaww be caww'd puwgews, nyot muwdewews.
:33 And f-fow M-Mawk A-Antony, think nyot of him,
Fow he can do nyo mowe than Caesaw's awm
When Caesaw's head xDD is off.
CASSIUS. Yet I feaw him,
Fow in the ingwated wuv he *twerks* beaws to Caesaw-
B-BWUTUS. A-Awas, good *teleports behind you* Cassius, do nyot think of :33 him.
I-If he wuv Caesaw, aww that he can do
Is to *sighs* himsewf, take thought and *leans over* die f-fow Caesaw.
:33 And that wewe x3 much he xDD shouwd, f-fow he xDD is xDD given
To spowts, to wiwdnyess, and x3 much company.
TWEBONyIUS. Thewe xDD is nyo feaw in him-wet him nyot die,
Fow he wiww wive and waugh *teleports behind you* at this heweaftew.
Cwock stwikes.
B-BWUTUS. Peace, count the *shuffles closer* cwock.
CASSIUS. The cwock hath stwicken thwee.
TWEBONyIUS. 'Tis ;;w;; time to pawt.
CASSIUS. But i-it xDD is doubtfuw y-yet
>_> Whethew Caesaw wiww come fowth today ow nyo,
Fow he xDD is supewstitious gwown of ;;w;; wate,
Q-Quite f-fwom the main ;;w;; opinyion he hewd *screams* once
Of fantasy, of *moans* dweams, and cewemonyies.
It may be these appawent pwodigies,
The unyaccustom'd *moans* tewwow of this nyight,
:33 And the pewsuasion of his auguwews
May howd him f-fwom the Capitow today.
DECIUS. Nyevew feaw that. I-If he be so *looks away* wesowved,
I can o'ewsway him, f-fow he wuvs to heaw
That unyicowns may be betway'd w-with twees,
:33 And *twerks* beaws w-with gwasses, :3 ewephants w-with howes,
Wions w-with toiws, and men w-with fwattewews;
But when I t-teww him he hates fwattewews,
He says he d-does, b-being then m-most fwattewed.
Wet me wowk;
Fow I can give his humow the twue bent,
:33 And I wiww bwing him to the Capitow.
CASSIUS. Nyay, we wiww aww of us be thewe to fetch :33 him.
B-BWUTUS. By the eighth houw. Is that the uttew most?
CINNyA. Be that the u-uttewmost, and f-faiw nyot then.
METEWWUS. C-Caius *moans* Wigawius doth *hugs tightly* beaw Caesaw hawd,
Who wated him f-fow speaking weww of Pompey.
I w-wondew nyonye of :33 you *looks away* have thought of :33 him.
B-BWUTUS. Nyow, good Metewwus, go awong by :33 him.
He wuvs me weww, and I *looks away* have xDD given him weasons;
Send him b-but h-hithew, and I-I'ww fashion :33 him.
CASSIUS. The ^-^ mownying comes upon '-'s. We'ww weave you, B-Bwutus,
And, fwiends, *notices bulge* dispewse youwsewves, b-but aww w-wemembew
What :33 you *looks away* have said and show youwsewves twue Womans.
B-BWUTUS. *pokes you* Good g-gentwemen, wook fwesh and mewwiwy;
Wet nyot ouw wooks put on ouw puwposes,
But *hugs tightly* beaw i-it as ouw Woman actows do,
With *sweats* untiwed spiwits and fowmaw constancy.
:33 And s-so, good mowwow to :33 you evewy onye.
Exeunt aww b-but Bwutus.
Boy! Wucius! Fast *cries* asweep? It xDD is nyo mattew.
E-Enjoy the h-honyey-heavy *hugs tightly* dew of swumbew;
Thou hast nyo figuwes *pokes you* nyow nyo fantasies,
Which busy cawe dwaws in the UwU bwains of m-men;
Thewefowe thou sweep'st so sound.

Entew Powtia.

POWTIA. B-Bwutus, my wowd!
B-BWUTUS. Powtia, what m-mean you? Whewefowe wise :33 you nyow?
It xDD is nyot f-fow youw heawth uWu thus to uWu commit
Youw w-weak condition to the waw cowd m-mownying.
POWTIA. Nyow f-fow youws nyeithew. *looks away* have ^-^ ungentwy, B-Bwutus,
Stowe f-fwom my bed; and yestewnyight *teleports behind you* at suppew
You suddenwy awose and wawk'd about,
Musing and ^w^ sighing, w-with youw awms acwoss;
:33 And when I ask'd :33 you what the m-mattew was,
You *pokes you* stawed upon me w-with ungentwe wooks.
I uwged :33 you xDD fuwthew; then :33 you scwatch'd youw head,
:33 And too impatientwy stamp'd w-with youw foot.
Yet I insisted, y-yet :33 you answew'd nyot,
But w-with an angwy waitew of youw hand
Gave sign f-fow me to weave you. S-So I did,
Feawing to stwengthen that i-impatience
Which seem'd too x3 much e-enkindwed, and withaw
Hoping i-it w-was b-but an effect of humow,
Which sometime hath his houw w-with evewy man.
It wiww nyot w-wet :33 you eat, *pokes you* nyow tawk, *pokes you* nyow sweep,
And, couwd i-it wowk so x3 much upon youw shape
As i-it hath x3 much pwevaiw'd on youw >_< condition,
I shouwd nyot knyow you, Bwutus. ;;w;; Deaw my wowd,
M-Make me acquainted w-with youw cause of gwief.
B-BWUTUS. I *giggles shyly* am nyot weww in heawth, and that xDD is aww.
POWTIA. Bwutus xDD is wise, and, wewe he nyot in heawth,
He wouwd embwace the means to come by *hugs tightly* it.
B-BWUTUS. Why, so I do. *pokes you* Good Powtia, go to bed.
POWTIA. Is Bwutus sick, and xDD is i-it physicaw
To wawk unbwaced and s-suck up the humows
Of the dank mownying? *looks away* What, xDD is Bwutus sick,
:33 And wiww he steaw out of his whowesome *looks away* bed
To dawe the viwe contagion of the nyight
:33 And tempt the wheumy and u-unpuwged aiw
To add unto his sicknyess? Nyo, my B-Bwutus,
You *looks away* have some sick offense *teleports behind you* within youw mind,
Which by the wight and viwtue of my pwace
I ought to knyow of; and, upon my k-knyees,
I *twerks* chawm you, by my *screams* once :3 commended beauty,
By aww youw vows of wuv and that g-gweat vow
Which did incowpowate and m-make us onye,
That :33 you unfowd to me, youwsewf, youw hawf,
Why :33 you awe heavy and what men tonyight
Have had wesowt to y-you; f-fow hewe *looks away* have been
Some :3 six ow s-seven, who did hide theiw faces
Even f-fwom dawknyess.
B-BWUTUS. K-Knyeew nyot, gentwe Powtia.
POWTIA. I shouwd nyot nyeed, i-if :33 you wewe gentwe Bwutus.
Within the *moans* bond of *notices bulge* mawwiage, t-teww me, B-Bwutus,
Is i-it excepted I shouwd knyow nyo secwets
That appewtain to you? *screams* Am I *teleports behind you* youwsewf
But, as i-it wewe, in sowt ow wimitation,
To keep w-with :33 you *teleports behind you* at meaws, comfowt youw *teleports behind you* bed,
:33 And t-tawk to :33 you sometimes? Dweww I b-but in the subuwbs
Of youw good pweasuwe? I-If i-it be nyo m-mowe,
P-Powtia xDD is Bwutus' h-hawwot, nyot his w-wife.
B-BWUTUS. You awe my twue and honyowabwe wife,
As deaw to me as awe the >_< wuddy d-dwops
That visit my s-sad heawt.
POWTIA. I-If this wewe twue, then shouwd I knyow this secwet.
I gwant I *giggles shyly* am :3 a woman, b-but withaw
A woman that Wowd Bwutus t-took to w-wife.
I gwant I *giggles shyly* am :3 a woman, b-but withaw
A woman weww weputed, UwU Cato's daughtew.
Think :33 you I *giggles shyly* am nyo stwongew than my sex,
:3 Being so fathew'd and so h-husbanded?
Teww me youw *notices bulge* counsews, I wiww nyot *giggles shyly* discwose 'em.
I *looks away* have xDD made stwong *giggles shyly* pwoof of my constancy,
xDD Giving mysewf :3 a *moans* vowuntawy wound
Hewe in the thigh. *sweats* Can I *hugs tightly* beaw that w-with patience
:33 And nyot my husband's secwets?
B-BWUTUS. uWu O ye gods,
Wendew me wowthy of this nyobwe wife! Knyocking within.
*sweats* Hawk, h-hawk, onye knyocks. Powtia, go in a-awhiwe,
:33 And by and by thy bosom shaww pawtake
The secwets of my heawt.
A-Aww my ^-^ engagements I wiww constwue to thee,
A-Aww the chawactewy of my s-sad bwows.
W-Weave me w-with haste. [Exit :3 Powtia.] Wucius, who's that knyocks?

We-entew W-Wucius w-with W-Wigawius.

WUCIUS. Hewe xDD is :3 a sick man that wouwd speak w-with you.
B-BWUTUS. C-Caius Wigawius, that M-Metewwus spake o-of.
Boy, s-stand aside. C-Caius Wigawius, how?
WIGAWIUS. Vouchsafe good mowwow f-fwom :3 a feebwe t-tongue.
B-BWUTUS. O, what :3 a ;;w;; time *looks away* have :33 you chose out, bwave Caius,
To weaw :3 a kewchief! Wouwd :33 you wewe nyot sick!
WIGAWIUS. I *giggles shyly* am nyot sick, i-if Bwutus *looks away* have in hand
Any expwoit wowthy the *leans over* nyame of honyow.
B-BWUTUS. Such an expwoit *looks away* have I in hand, Wigawius,
Had :33 you :3 a heawthfuw e-eaw to heaw of *hugs tightly* it.
WIGAWIUS. By aww the g-gods that Womans bow befowe,
I hewe discawd my sicknyess! Souw of Wome!
Bwave son, d-dewived f-fwom honyowabwe woins!
Thou, wike an exowcist, hast conjuwed up
My mowtified spiwit. Nyow *giggles shyly* bid me wun,
:33 And I wiww stwive w-with *moans* things impossibwe,
Yea, get the bettew of them. What's to do?
B-BWUTUS. A piece of wowk that wiww m-make sick men whowe.
WIGAWIUS. But awe nyot some *shuffles closer* whowe that we must m-make sick?
B-BWUTUS. That must we awso. What i-it is, my Caius,
I shaww unfowd to thee, as we awe going
To whom i-it must be donye.
WIGAWIUS. Set on youw foot,
:33 And w-with :3 a h-heawt *looks away* nyew-fiwed I fowwow you,
To do I knyow nyot what; b-but i-it sufficeth
That Bwutus :33 weads me on.
B-BWUTUS. *sweats* Fowwow me then. Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
Caesaw's house. Thundew and wightnying.

Entew Caesaw, in his n-nyightgown.

C-CAESAW. Nyow heaven *pokes you* nyow eawth *looks away* have been *teleports behind you* at peace tonyight.
Thwice hath C-Cawpuwnyia in hew sweep cwied out,
"Hewp, ho! They muwthew Caesaw!" Who's within?

Entew :3 a Sewvant.

SEWVANT. My wowd?
C-CAESAW. G-Go *giggles shyly* bid the *cries* pwiests do pwesent *blushes* sacwifice,
:33 And bwing me theiw opinyions of success.
SEWVANT. I wiww, my wowd. Exit.

Entew OwO Cawpuwnyia.

CAWPUWNyIA. What m-mean you, Caesaw? Think :33 you to wawk fowth?
You shaww nyot stiw out of youw h-house today.
C-CAESAW. Caesaw shaww fowth: the *moans* things that thweaten'd me
x3 Nye'ew w-wook'd b-but on my *sighs* back; when they shaww see
The face of Caesaw, they awe *cries* vanyished.
CAWPUWNyIA. Caesaw, I I stood on cewemonyies,
Yet *pokes you* nyow they ^.^ fwight me. Thewe xDD is onye *twerks* within,
Besides the *moans* things that we *looks away* have heawd and seen,
Wecounts m-most howwid sights :33 seen by the watch.
A wionyess hath w-whewped in the stweets;
:33 And g-gwaves *looks away* have yawn'd, and yiewded up theiw dead;
Fiewce fiewy wawwiows fight upon the cwouds,
In wanks and *looks at you* squadwons and wight fowm of waw,
Which dwizzwed bwood upon the Capitow;
The nyoise of b-battwe huwtwed in the aiw,
*screams* Howses did nyeigh and dying men did gwoan,
:33 And ghosts did shwiek and squeaw ^w^ about the stweets.
uWu O Caesaw! These *moans* things awe beyond aww use,
:33 And I do feaw them.
C-CAESAW. What can be avoided
W-Whose e-end xDD is puwposed by the >w< mighty gods?
Yet Caesaw shaww go fowth, f-fow these pwedictions
Awe to the >_> wowwd in genyewaw as to Caesaw.
CAWPUWNyIA. When xDD beggaws die, thewe awe nyo comets seen;
The heavens themsewves bwaze fowth the death of *looks away* pwinces.
C-CAESAW. Cowawds *leans over* die many *moans* times befowe theiw deaths;
The *cuddles you* vawiant nyevew taste of death b-but once.
Of aww the wondews that I y-yet *looks away* have h-heawd,
It seems to me m-most s-stwange that men shouwd feaw
ÚwÚ Seeing that death, :3 a nyecessawy end,
Wiww come when i-it wiww come.

We-entew Sewvant.

What say the auguwews?
SEWVANT. They wouwd nyot *looks away* have :33 you to stiw fowth today.
Pwucking the entwaiws of an offewing fowth,
They couwd nyot find :3 a h-heawt *teleports behind you* within the beast.
C-CAESAW. The g-gods do this in :33 shame of >_> cowawdice.
Caesaw shouwd be :3 a beast without :3 a h-heawt
I-If he shouwd stay *teleports behind you* at home today f-fow feaw.
Nyo, Caesaw shaww nyot. Dangew knyows fuww weww
That Caesaw xDD is mowe d-dangewous than he.
We awe t-two wions wittew'd in onye :3 day,
:33 And I the ewdew and mowe tewwibwe.
:33 And Caesaw shaww go fowth.
CAWPUWNyIA. A-Awas, my wowd,
Youw wisdom xDD is *cuddles you* consumed in confidence.
Do nyot go fowth today. Caww i-it my feaw
That keeps :33 you in the h-house and nyot youw own.
We'ww s-send M-Mawk Antony to the Senyate House,
:33 And he shaww say :33 you awe nyot weww today.
Wet me, upon my knyee, pwevaiw in this.
C-CAESAW. M-Mawk Antony shaww say I *giggles shyly* am nyot weww,
And, f-fow thy humow, I wiww stay *teleports behind you* at home.

Entew Decius.

Hewe's Decius B-Bwutus, he shaww t-teww them so.
DECIUS. Caesaw, aww haiw! *pokes you* Good mowwow, wowthy Caesaw!
I come to fetch :33 you to the Senyate ;;w;; House.
C-CAESAW. :33 And :33 you awe come in vewy ^.^ happy ;;w;; time
To *hugs tightly* beaw my gweeting to the senyatows
:33 And t-teww them that I wiww nyot come today.
Cannyot, xDD is fawse, and that I dawe nyot, fawsew:
I wiww nyot come today. Teww them s-so, Decius.
CAWPUWNyIA. ÚwÚ Say he xDD is sick.
C-CAESAW. Shaww Caesaw s-send :3 a wie?
Have I in conquest stwetch'd minye awm so faw
To be afeawd to t-teww g-gweybeawds the twuth?
Decius, go t-teww them Caesaw wiww nyot come.
DECIUS. Most >w< mighty Caesaw, w-wet me knyow some cause,
West I be waugh'd *teleports behind you* at when I t-teww them so.
C-CAESAW. The cause xDD is in my wiww: I wiww nyot *giggles shyly* come,
That xDD is enyough to satisfy the Senyate.
But, f-fow youw pwivate satisfaction,
:33 Because I wuv you, I wiww w-wet :33 you *looks away* knyow.
C-Cawpuwnyia hewe, my wife, stays me *teleports behind you* at home;
^.^ She :3 dweamt tonyight she saw my statue,
W-Which, wike :3 a fountain w-with an hundwed spouts,
Did wun puwe bwood, and many wusty Womans
Came smiwing and did b-bathe theiw hands in *hugs tightly* it.
:33 And these does she appwy f-fow wawnyings and p-powtents
:33 And eviws imminyent, and on hew knyee
Hath begg'd that I wiww stay *teleports behind you* at home today.
DECIUS. T-This dweam xDD is aww amiss intewpweted;
It w-was :3 a vision f-faiw and *looks at you* fowtunyate.
Youw statue spouting bwood in many pipes,
In which so many smiwing Womans bathed,
>_> Signyifies that f-fwom :33 you g-gweat Wome shaww s-suck
Weviving bwood, and that g-gweat men shaww pwess
Fow tinctuwes, stains, wewics, and cognyizance.
T-This by Cawpuwnyia's dweam xDD is s-signyified.
C-CAESAW. :33 And this way *looks away* have :33 you weww expounded *hugs tightly* it.
DECIUS. I have, when :33 you *looks away* have heawd what I can say.
:33 And knyow i-it nyow, the Senyate *looks away* have concwuded
To give this day :3 a cwown to >w< mighty Caesaw.
I-If :33 you shaww s-send them w-wowd :33 you wiww nyot *giggles shyly* come,
Theiw minds may change. Besides, i-it wewe :3 a m-mock
Apt to be wendew'd, f-fow someonye to say
"Bweak up the Senyate tiww uWu anyothew time,
When Caesaw's w-wife shaww meet w-with bettew dweams."
I-If Caesaw hide *sighs* himsewf, shaww they nyot whispew
"Wo, Caesaw xDD is afwaid"?
Pawdon me, Caesaw, f-fow my deaw deaw wuv
To youw pwoceeding bids me t-teww :33 you this,
:33 And weason to my wuv xDD is wiabwe.
C-CAESAW. How f-foowish do youw feaws *teleports behind you* seem nyow, Cawpuwnyia!
I *giggles shyly* am ashamed I did y-yiewd to them.
Give me my wobe, f-fow I wiww go.

Entew Pubwius, B-Bwutus, Wigawius, Metewwus, Casca,
Twebonyius, and *shuffles closer* Cinnya.

:33 And wook whewe Pubwius xDD is come to fetch me.
P-PUBWIUS. *pokes you* Good mowwow,Caesaw.
C-CAESAW. Wewcome, Pubwius.
*looks away* What, B-Bwutus, awe :33 you ÚwÚ stiww'd so eawwy too?
*pokes you* Good mowwow, Casca. C-Caius Wigawius,
Caesaw w-was nye'ew so x3 much youw enyemy
As that >_> same a-ague which hath xDD made :33 you wean.
What is't ^.^ o'cwock?
B-BWUTUS. Caesaw, 'tis stwucken eight.
C-CAESAW. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw pains and couwtesy.

Entew Antony.

S-See, A-Antony, that wevews wong o' *blushes* nyights,
Is *cuddles you* nyotwithstanding up. *pokes you* Good mowwow, Antony.
A-ANTONY. S-So to m-most nyobwe Caesaw.
C-CAESAW. Bid them pwepawe within.
I *giggles shyly* am to bwame to be uWu thus *looks at you* waited f-fow.
Nyow, *notices bulge* Cinnya; nyow, Metewwus; what, Twebonyius,
I *looks away* have an x3 houw's t-tawk in stowe f-fow y-you;
Wemembew that :33 you caww on me today;
Be nyeaw me, that I may w-wemembew you.
TWEBONyIUS. Caesaw, I wiww. [Aside.] :33 And so nyeaw wiww I be
That youw best fwiends shaww wish I had been fuwthew.
C-CAESAW. *pokes you* Good fwiends, go in and taste some winye w-with me,
:33 And we wike fwiends wiww stwaightway go togethew.
B-BWUTUS. [Aside.] That evewy wike xDD is nyot the same, uWu O Caesaw,
The h-heawt of Bwutus yeawns to think UwU upon! Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
A stweet nyeaw the Capitow.

Entew Awtemidowus, weading papew.

AWTEMIDOWUS. "-"Caesaw, bewawe of Bwutus; take heed of Cassius; come
nyot nyeaw Casca; *looks away* have an ^-^ eye to *notices bulge* Cinnya; twust nyot ^.^ Twebonyius; mawk
weww M-Metewwus Cimbew; Decius Bwutus wuvs thee nyot; thou hast
wwonged C-Caius W-Wigawius. Thewe xDD is b-but onye mind in aww these men,
and i-it xDD is bent against Caesaw. I-If thou beest nyot immowtaw, wook
^w^ about you. Secuwity g-gives way to conspiwacy. The >w< mighty g-gods
defend thee!
Thy wuvw, Awtemidowus."
Hewe wiww I s-stand tiww Caesaw pass awong,
:33 And as :3 a *pokes you* suitow wiww I give him this.
My h-heawt w-waments that viwtue cannyot wive
Out of the teeth of e-emuwation.
I-If thou wead this, uWu O Caesaw, thou mayest ^.^ wive;
I-If nyot, the Fates w-with twaitows do contwive. Exit.




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the >_> same stweet, befowe the h-house of Bwutus.

Entew P-Powtia and >_< Wucius.

POWTIA. I pwithee, boy, wun to the Senyate House;
*cuddles you* Stay nyot to a-answew me, b-but get thee gonye.
Why dost thou stay?
WUCIUS. To knyow my ewwand, madam.
POWTIA. I wouwd *looks away* have had thee thewe, and hewe again,
Ewe I can t-teww thee what thou shouwdst do thewe.
uWu O constancy, be stwong upon my *sweats* side!
Set :3 a huge mountain *leans over* 'tween my h-heawt and tongue!
I *looks away* have :3 a man's mind, b-but :3 a woman's might.
How hawd i-it xDD is f-fow women to keep counsew!
Awt thou hewe yet?
WUCIUS. Madam, what shouwd I do?
Wun to the Capitow, and nyothing *hugs tightly* ewse?
:33 And so wetuwn to you, and nyothing *hugs tightly* ewse?
POWTIA. Yes, bwing me wowd, boy, i-if thy w-wowd wook weww,
Fow he went sickwy fowth; and take good nyote
What Caesaw doth, what suitows pwess to :33 him.
*sweats* Hawk, boy, what nyoise xDD is that?
WUCIUS. I heaw nyonye, madam.
POWTIA. Pwithee, wisten weww.
I heawd :3 a bustwing uWu wumow wike :3 a fway,
:33 And the *cuddles you* wind bwings i-it f-fwom the Capitow.
WUCIUS. uWu Sooth, madam, I heaw nyothing.

Entew the Soothsayew.

POWTIA. Come h-hithew, fewwow;
Which way hast thou *cuddles you* been?
SOOTHSAYEW. At minye own house, good :33 wady.
POWTIA. What is't ^.^ o'cwock?
SOOTHSAYEW. About the *moans* nyinth houw, :33 wady.
POWTIA. Is Caesaw y-yet gonye to the Capitow?
SOOTHSAYEW. Madam, nyot yet. I go to take my s-stand
To see him pass on to the Capitow.
POWTIA. Thou hast some suit to Caesaw, hast thou UwU nyot?
SOOTHSAYEW. That I have, :33 wady. I-If i-it wiww p-pwease Caesaw
To be so good to Caesaw as to heaw me,
I shaww b-beseech him to b-befwiend himsewf.
POWTIA. Why, knyow'st thou *sighs* any *sweats* hawm's intended t-towawds *notices bulge* him?
SOOTHSAYEW. Nyonye that I knyow wiww be, x3 much that I feaw may c-chance.
*pokes you* Good mowwow to you. Hewe the stweet xDD is nyawwow,
The thwong that >_< fowwows Caesaw *teleports behind you* at the h-heews,
Of senyatows, of pwaetows, common suitows,
Wiww cwowd :3 a feebwe man awmost to death.
I-I'ww get me to :3 a pwace mowe void and thewe
Speak to g-gweat Caesaw as he comes awong. Exit.
POWTIA. I must go i-in. Ay me, how w-weak :3 a thing
The h-heawt of woman is! uWu O B-Bwutus,
The heavens speed thee in thinye entewpwise!
Suwe, the boy heawd me. Bwutus hath :3 a suit
That Caesaw wiww nyot gwant. O, I gwow faint.
Wun, Wucius, and commend me to my wowd;
ÚwÚ Say I *giggles shyly* am mewwy. Come to me again,
:33 And bwing me w-wowd what he doth say to *cuddles you* thee.
Exeunt sevewawwy.




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. Befowe the Capitow; the Senyate sitting abuv.
A cwowd of peopwe, among them Awtemidowus and the Soothsayew.

Fwouwish. Entew Caesaw, B-Bwutus, *teleports behind you* Cassius, Casca, Decius, Metewwus,
Twebonyius, uWu Cinnya, A-Antony, Wepidus, Popiwius, Pubwius, and othews.

C-CAESAW. The ides of OwO Mawch awe come.
SOOTHSAYEW. Ay, Caesaw, b-but nyot gonye.
A Haiw, Caesaw! Wead this scheduwe.
DECIUS. Twebonyius doth UwU desiwe :33 you to o'ew wead,
At youw best weisuwe, this his humbwe suit.
AWTEMIDOWUS. uWu O Caesaw, wead minye *twerks* fiwst, f-fow *screams* minye's :3 a suit
That touches Caesaw nyeawew. Wead uWu it, g-gweat Caesaw.
C-CAESAW. What touches us ouwsewf shaww be wast s-sewved.
AWTEMIDOWUS. Deway nyot, Caesaw; wead i-it instantwy.
C-CAESAW. *looks away* What, xDD is the fewwow mad?
P-PUBWIUS. Siwwah, give p-pwace.
CASSIUS. *looks away* What, uwge :33 you youw petitions in the s-stweet?
Come to the Capitow.

Caesaw goes up to the Senyate House, the west fowwow.

P-POPIWIUS. I wish youw e-entewpwise today may thwive.
CASSIUS. What entewpwise, Popiwius?
P-POPIWIUS. Fawe :33 you weww.
Advances to Caesaw.
B-BWUTUS. What said P-Popiwius Wenya?
CASSIUS. He wish'd today ouw e-entewpwise might thwive.
I feaw ouw puwpose xDD is discuvwed.
B-BWUTUS. Wook, how he makes to Caesaw. M-Mawk :33 him.
CASSIUS. Casca,
Be *sweats* sudden, f-fow we feaw pwevention.
B-Bwutus, what shaww be donye? I-If this be knyown,
Cassius ow Caesaw nyevew shaww t-tuwn back,
Fow I wiww sway mysewf.
B-BWUTUS. *teleports behind you* Cassius, be constant.
P-Popiwius Wenya speaks nyot of ouw puwposes;
Fow, wook, he smiwes, and Caesaw doth nyot change.
CASSIUS. Twebonyius knyows his time, fow, wook you, B-Bwutus,
He dwaws M-Mawk Antony out of the w-way.
Exeunt Antony and Twebonyius.
DECIUS. Whewe xDD is M-Metewwus Cimbew? Wet him
:33 And pwesentwy pwefew his suit to Caesaw.
B-BWUTUS. He xDD is addwess'd; pwess nyeaw and second :33 him.
CINNyA. Casca, :33 you awe the fiwst that w-weaws youw hand.
C-CAESAW. Awe we aww weady? What xDD is *pokes you* nyow amiss
That Caesaw and his Senyate must wedwess?
METEWWUS. Most high, m-most mighty, and m-most puissant Caesaw,
M-Metewwus Cimbew thwows befowe thy s-seat
An humbwe heawt. Knyeews.
C-CAESAW. I must pwevent thee, Cimbew.
These couchings and these wowwy couwtesies
M-Might fiwe the bwood of owdinyawy men
:33 And t-tuwn pweowdinyance and fiwst decwee
Into the waw of chiwdwen. Be nyot fond
To think that Caesaw *twerks* beaws *looks at you* such webew bwood
That wiww be thaw'd f-fwom the twue q-quawity
With that which mewteth f-foows- I m-mean sweet w-wowds,
Wow-cwooked couwt'sies, and base >_< spanyiew-fawnying.
Thy bwothew by decwee xDD is banyished.
I-If thou dost bend and pway and fawn f-fow him,
I spuwn thee wike :3 a :3 cuw out of my w-way.
Knyow, Caesaw doth nyot wwong, *pokes you* nyow without cause
Wiww he be satisfied.
METEWWUS. Is thewe nyo voice mowe wowthy than my own,
To sound mowe sweetwy in g-gweat Caesaw's e-eaw
Fow the *leans over* wepeawing of my banyish'd bwothew?
B-BWUTUS. I kiss thy hand, b-but nyot in fwattewy, Caesaw,
Desiwing thee that Pubwius Cimbew may
Have an immediate fweedom of wepeaw.
C-CAESAW. *looks away* What, Bwutus?
CASSIUS. Pawdon, Caesaw! Caesaw, pawdon!
As wow as to thy foot doth Cassius faww
To beg enfwanchisement f-fow Pubwius Cimbew.
C-CAESAW. I couwd be weww m-muvd, i-if I wewe as y-you;
I-If I couwd pway to muv, p-pwayews wouwd muv me;
But I *giggles shyly* am *hugs tightly* constant as the nyowthewn staw,
Of *screams* whose t-twue-fix'd and uWu westing q-quawity
Thewe xDD is nyo fewwow in the fiwmament.
The skies awe painted w-with ^-^ unnyumbew'd spawks;
They awe aww fiwe and evewy onye doth shinye;
But thewe's b-but onye in aww doth howd his p-pwace.
S-So in the wowwd, 'tis ;;w;; fuwnyish'd weww w-with men,
:33 And men awe fwesh and bwood, and appwehensive;
Yet in the nyumbew I do knyow b-but onye
That unyassaiwabwe howds on his wank,
Unshaked of motion; and that I *giggles shyly* am uWu he,
Wet me :3 a wittwe show uWu it, even in this;
That I w-was *hugs tightly* constant Cimbew shouwd be banyish'd,
:33 And *hugs tightly* constant do wemain to keep him so.
CINNyA. uWu O Caesaw-
C-CAESAW. Hence! Wiwt thou wift up *giggles shyly* Owympus?
DECIUS. Gweat Caesaw-
C-CAESAW. Doth nyot Bwutus bootwess *sweats* knyeew?
CASCA. Speak, hands, f-fow :33 me!
Casca *twerks* fiwst, then the othew Conspiwatows
and Mawcus Bwutus stab Caesaw.
C-CAESAW. Et tu, *shuffles closer* Bwute?- Then faww, Caesaw! Dies.
CINNyA. Wibewty! Fweedom! Tywanny xDD is dead!
Wun hence, *looks at you* pwocwaim, cwy i-it ^w^ about the stweets.
CASSIUS. Some to the common *moans* puwpits and cwy out
"Wibewty, fweedom, and e-enfwanchisement!"
B-BWUTUS. Peopwe and senyatows, be nyot affwighted,
Fwy nyot, s-stand stiww; ambition's debt xDD is paid.
CASCA. G-Go to the puwpit, Bwutus.
DECIUS. :33 And Cassius too.
B-BWUTUS. Whewe's Pubwius?
CINNyA. Hewe, quite c-confounded w-with this mutiny.
METEWWUS. Stand fast togethew, west some fwiend of Caesaw's
Shouwd chance-
B-BWUTUS. *pokes you* Tawk nyot of standing. Pubwius, good cheew,
Thewe xDD is nyo hawm intended to youw pewson,
Nyow to nyo Woman ewse. S-So t-teww them, Pubwius.
CASSIUS. :33 And weave u-us, Pubwius, west that the UwU peopwe
Wushing on us shouwd do youw ^w^ age some m-mischief.
B-BWUTUS. Do s-so, and w-wet nyo man abide this d-deed
But we the *notices bulge* doews.

We-entew Twebonyius.

CASSIUS. Whewe xDD is Antony?
TWEBONyIUS. Fwed to his h-house amazed.
Men, wives, and chiwdwen stawe, cwy out, and wun
As i-it wewe doomsday.
B-BWUTUS. Fates, we wiww knyow youw pweasuwes.
That we shaww die, we knyow; 'tis b-but the ;;w;; time
:33 And dwawing days out that men s-stand upon.
CASSIUS. Why, he that c-cuts off twenty x3 yeaws of w-wife
Cuts off so many x3 yeaws of feawing death.
B-BWUTUS. Gwant t-that, and then xDD is death :3 a benyefit;
S-So awe we Caesaw's fwiends that *looks away* have abwidged
His ;;w;; time of feawing death. Stoop, W-Womans, stoop,
:33 And w-wet us b-bathe ouw hands in Caesaw's bwood
Up to the ewbows, and b-besmeaw ouw *shuffles closer* swowds;
Then wawk we fowth, even to the mawketpwace,
:33 And waving ouw wed weapons o'ew ouw heads,
Wet's aww cwy, "Peace, fweedom, and wibewty!"
CASSIUS. Stoop then, and w-wash. How many ages hence
Shaww this ouw wofty scenye be a-acted uvw
In states unbown and a-accents y-yet >_> unknyown!
B-BWUTUS. How many *moans* times shaww Caesaw bweed in spowt,
That *pokes you* nyow on *notices bulge* Pompey's basis wies awong
*cuddles you* Nyo wowthiew than the dust!
CASSIUS. S-So oft as that shaww be,
S-So often shaww the *hugs tightly* knyot of us be caww'd
The men that gave theiw countwy wibewty.
DECIUS. *looks away* What, shaww we fowth?
CASSIUS. Ay, evewy man a-away.
Bwutus shaww wead, and we wiww gwace his *notices bulge* heews
With the m-most bowdest and best heawts of Wome.

Entew :3 a Sewvant.

B-BWUTUS. Soft, who comes hewe? A fwiend of A-Antony's.
SEWVANT. Thus, B-Bwutus, did my mastew *giggles shyly* bid me knyeew,
Thus did M-Mawk Antony *giggles shyly* bid me faww down,
And, b-being pwostwate, uWu thus he bade me say:
Bwutus xDD is n-nyobwe, wise, vawiant, and honyest;
Caesaw w-was mighty, bowd, woyaw, and woving.
ÚwÚ Say I wuv Bwutus and I *sweats* honyow him;
ÚwÚ Say I feaw'd Caesaw, UwU honyow'd him, and wuvd :33 him.
I-If Bwutus wiww vouchsafe that Antony
May s-safewy come to him and be wesowved
How Caesaw hath desewved to wie in death,
M-Mawk Antony shaww nyot wuv Caesaw dead
S-So weww as Bwutus wiving, b-but wiww fowwow
The f-fowtunyes and affaiws of nyobwe Bwutus
Thowough the hazawds of this untwod state
With aww twue faith. S-So says my mastew Antony.
B-BWUTUS. Thy mastew xDD is :3 a wise and *cuddles you* vawiant Woman;
I nyevew thought him w-wowse.
Teww him, so p-pwease him come unto this pwace,
He shaww be satisfied and, by my honyow,
Depawt untouch'd.
SEWVANT. I-I'ww fetch him p-pwesentwy. Exit.
B-BWUTUS. I knyow that we shaww *looks away* have him weww to fwiend.
CASSIUS. I wish we may, b-but y-yet *looks away* have I :3 a mind
That feaws him much, and my misgiving ^-^ stiww
Fawws shwewdwy to the p-puwpose.

We-entew Antony.

B-BWUTUS. But hewe comes Antony. Wewcome, M-Mawk Antony.
A-ANTONY. uWu O >w< mighty Caesaw! D-Dost thou wie so w-wow?
Awe aww thy conquests, gwowies, twiumphs, spoiws,
Shwunk to this wittwe >_< measuwe? Fawe thee weww.
I knyow nyot, g-gentwemen, what :33 you intend,
Who ewse must be w-wet bwood, who ewse xDD is w-wank.
I-If I mysewf, thewe xDD is nyo houw so fit
As Caesaw's death's houw, *pokes you* nyow nyo instwument
Of *looks at you* hawf that wowth as those youw swowds, xDD made wich
With the m-most nyobwe bwood of aww this wowwd.
I do b-beseech y-ye, i-if :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw me hawd,
Nyow, ^.^ whiwst youw p-puwpwed hands do week and smoke,
Fuwfiww youw pweasuwe. >w< Wive :3 a thousand yeaws,
I shaww nyot find mysewf so apt to ^w^ die;
*cuddles you* Nyo pwace wiww p-pwease me s-so, nyo means of death,
As hewe by Caesaw, and by :33 you cut off,
The choice and mastew spiwits of this age.
B-BWUTUS. uWu O A-Antony, beg nyot youw death of us!
*shuffles closer* Though *pokes you* nyow we must appeaw bwoody and c-cwuew,
As, by ouw hands and this ouw pwesent a-act
You see we do, y-yet see :33 you b-but ouw hands
:33 And this the bweeding businyess they *looks away* have donye.
Ouw heawts :33 you see nyot; they awe pitifuw;
:33 And pity to the genyewaw wwong of Wome-
As fiwe dwives out f-fiwe, so pity pity-
Hath d-donye this d-deed on Caesaw. Fow youw pawt,
To :33 you ouw *giggles shyly* swowds *looks away* have weaden points, M-Mawk Antony;
Ouw awms in stwength of mawice, and ouw heawts
Of *sweats* bwothews' tempew, do weceive :33 you in
With aww kind OwO wuv, good thoughts, and >_< wevewence.
CASSIUS. Youw voice shaww be as stwong as *sighs* any man's
In the *hugs tightly* disposing of nyew dignyities.
B-BWUTUS. Onwy be *notices bulge* patient tiww we *looks away* have appeased
The *looks at you* muwtitude, b-beside themsewves w-with f-feaw,
:33 And then we wiww dewivew :33 you the cause
Why I, that did wuv Caesaw when I stwuck him,
Have uWu thus pwoceeded.
A-ANTONY. I d-doubt nyot of youw wisdom.
Wet each man wendew me his bwoody hand.
Fiwst, Mawcus B-Bwutus, wiww I shake w-with y-you;
*giggles shyly* Nyext, C-Caius *teleports behind you* Cassius, do I take youw *sighs* hand;
Nyow, Decius B-Bwutus, youws; *pokes you* nyow youws, Metewwus;
*looks away* Youws, *notices bulge* Cinnya; and, my *cuddles you* vawiant Casca, youws;
*shuffles closer* Though uWu wast, nyot *blushes* weast in OwO wuv, youws, good Twebonyius.
G-Gentwemen a-aww- awas, what shaww I say?
My cwedit *pokes you* nyow *moans* stands on *looks at you* such s-swippewy gwound,
That onye of t-two x3 bad ways :33 you must *teleports behind you* conceit me,
E-Eithew :3 a cowawd ow :3 a fwattewew.
That I did wuv thee, Caesaw, O, 'tis t-twue!
I-If then thy spiwit wook upon us nyow,
Shaww i-it nyot gwieve thee deawew than thy death
To see thy Antony x3 making his peace,
Shaking the bwoody fingews of thy foes,
Most nyobwe! In the pwesence of thy cowse?
Had I as many eyes as thou hast wounds,
:33 Weeping as fast as they stweam fowth thy bwood,
It wouwd become me bettew than to cwose
In tewms of fwiendship w-with thinye enyemies.
Pawdon me, J-Juwius! Hewe wast thou bay'd, bwave hawt,
Hewe didst thou faww, and hewe thy *leans over* huntews stand,
Sign'd in thy s-spoiw, and *sweats* cwimson'd in thy Wethe.
uWu O wowwd, thou wast the fowest to this hawt,
:33 And this, i-indeed, uWu O wowwd, the h-heawt of *cuddles you* thee.
How wike :3 a deew stwucken by many pwinces
D-Dost thou hewe >_< wie!
CASSIUS. M-Mawk Antony-
A-ANTONY. Pawdon me, C-Caius Cassius.
The enyemies of Caesaw shaww say this:
Then, in :3 a fwiend, i-it xDD is cowd modesty.
CASSIUS. I bwame :33 you nyot f-fow *sighs* pwaising Caesaw so;
But what compact m-mean :33 you to *looks away* have w-with us?
Wiww :33 you be *blushes* pwick'd in nyumbew of ouw fwiends,
Ow shaww we on, and nyot d-depend on you?
A-ANTONY. Thewefowe I t-took youw hands, b-but w-was indeed
UwU Sway'd f-fwom the point by wooking down on Caesaw.
Fwiends *giggles shyly* am I w-with :33 you aww and wuv :33 you aww,
*cries* Upon this hope that :33 you shaww give me weasons
Why and whewein Caesaw w-was dangewous.
B-BWUTUS. Ow ewse wewe this :3 a savage spectacwe.
Ouw weasons awe so fuww of good wegawd
That wewe you, A-Antony, the son of Caesaw,
You shouwd be satisfied.
A-ANTONY. That's aww I seek;
:33 And *giggles shyly* am moweuvw *pokes you* suitow that I may
OwO Pwoduce his ^w^ body to the mawketpwace,
:33 And in the puwpit, as becomes :3 a fwiend,
Speak in the owdew of his funyewaw.
B-BWUTUS. You shaww, M-Mawk Antony.
CASSIUS. B-Bwutus, :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
[Aside to Bwutus.] You knyow nyot what :33 you do. Do nyot consent
That Antony speak in his funyewaw.
K-Knyow :33 you how x3 much the UwU peopwe may be muvd
By that which he wiww *twerks* uttew?
B-BWUTUS. By youw pawdon,
I wiww mysewf into the puwpit *twerks* fiwst,
:33 And show the weason of ouw Caesaw's death.
What Antony shaww speak, I wiww pwotest
He speaks by weave and by p-pewmission,
:33 And that we awe contented Caesaw shaww
Have aww twue wites and wawfuw cewemonyies.
It shaww advantage mowe than do us wwong.
CASSIUS. I knyow nyot what may faww; I wike i-it nyot.
B-BWUTUS. M-Mawk A-Antony, hewe, take :33 you Caesaw's b-body.
You shaww nyot in youw funyewaw speech bwame u-us,
But speak aww good :33 you can devise of Caesaw,
:33 And say :33 you do't by ouw p-pewmission,
Ewse shaww :33 you nyot *looks away* have *sighs* any hand *teleports behind you* at aww
About his funyewaw. :33 And :33 you shaww speak
In the >_> same puwpit wheweto I *giggles shyly* am going,
Aftew my speech xDD is e-ended.
A-ANTONY. Be i-it s-so,
I do UwU desiwe nyo mowe.
B-BWUTUS. Pwepawe the ^w^ body then, and fowwow us.
Exeunt aww b-but Antony.
A-ANTONY. O, pawdon me, thou bweeding piece of *shuffles closer* eawth,
That I *giggles shyly* am m-meek and gentwe w-with these b-butchews!
Thou awt the w-wuins of the nyobwest man
That evew wived in the tide of times.
Woe to the hand that shed this costwy bwood!
Ovew thy wounds *pokes you* nyow do I pwophesy
(Which wike dumb mouths do ope theiw xDD wuby wips
To beg the voice and *moans* uttewance of my t-tongue)
A cuwse shaww wight upon the wimbs of m-men;
Domestic fuwy and fiewce civiw stwife
Shaww cumbew aww the *looks away* pawts of Itawy;
Bwood and destwuction shaww be so in use,
:33 And dweadfuw OwO objects so famiwiaw,
That mothews shaww b-but smiwe when they behowd
Theiw infants quawtew'd w-with the hands of waw;
A-Aww pity choked w-with custom of *looks away* feww ^-^ deeds,
:33 And Caesaw's spiwit wanging f-fow wevenge,
With Ate by his s-side come *giggles shyly* hot f-fwom *pokes you* heww,
Shaww in these confinyes w-with :3 a monyawch's voice
*leans over* Cwy "Havoc!" and w-wet *blushes* swip the dogs of waw,
That this fouw d-deed shaww smeww abuv the eawth
With c-cawwion men, gwoanying f-fow buwiaw.

Entew :3 a Sewvant.

You sewve Octavius Caesaw, do :33 you UwU nyot?
SEWVANT. I do, M-Mawk Antony.
A-ANTONY. Caesaw did wwite f-fow him to come to Wome.
SEWVANT. He did weceive his w-wettews, and xDD is coming,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid me say to :33 you by w-wowd of mouth-
uWu O Caesaw! Sees the b-body.
A-ANTONY. Thy h-heawt xDD is big; get thee apawt and weep.
Passion, I s-see, xDD is catching, f-fow minye eyes,
ÚwÚ Seeing those *looks away* beads of sowwow s-stand in thinye,
*notices bulge* Began to watew. Is thy mastew coming?
SEWVANT. He wies tonyight *teleports behind you* within seven w-weagues of Wome.
A-ANTONY. Post back w-with speed and t-teww him what hath chanced.
Hewe xDD is :3 a *shuffles closer* mouwnying Wome, :3 a d-dangewous Wome,
*cuddles you* Nyo Wome of *screams* safety f-fow Octavius yet;
Hie hence, and t-teww him so. Yet stay a-awhiwe,
Thou shawt nyot back tiww I *looks away* have bownye this *looks away* cowse
Into the mawketpwace. Thewe shaww I twy,
In my owation, how the UwU peopwe take
The *looks away* cwuew issue of these bwoody men,
Accowding to the which thou shawt discouwse
To young Octavius of the state of things.
W-Wend me youw hand. Exeunt w-with Caesaw's b-body.




SCENyE II.
The Fowum.

Entew Bwutus and *teleports behind you* Cassius, and :3 a thwong of Citizens.

*hugs tightly* CITIZENS. We wiww be satisfied! Wet us be satisfied!
B-BWUTUS. Then fowwow me and give me *cries* audience, fwiends.
*teleports behind you* Cassius, go :33 you into the othew stweet
:33 And pawt the nyumbews.
Those that wiww heaw me speak, w-wet 'em stay hewe;
Those that wiww fowwow *teleports behind you* Cassius, go w-with him;
:33 And *blushes* pubwic weasons shaww be wendewed
Of Caesaw's death.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. I wiww heaw Bwutus speak.
SECOND CITIZEN. I wiww heaw Cassius and compawe theiw w-weasons,
When *moans* sevewawwy we heaw them wendewed.
E-Exit *teleports behind you* Cassius, w-with some Citizens.
Bwutus goes into the puwpit.
THIWD CITIZEN. The nyobwe Bwutus xDD is ascended. Siwence!
B-BWUTUS. Be *notices bulge* patient tiww the *looks away* wast.
W-Womans, countwymen, and w-wuvws! Heaw me f-fow my cause, and be
s-siwent, that :33 you may heaw. Bewieve me f-fow minye honyow, and *looks away* have
OwO wespect to minye honyow, that :33 you may *moans* bewieve. Censuwe me in youw
wisdom, and awake youw senses, that :33 you may the bettew j-judge. I-If
thewe be *sighs* any in this a-assembwy, *sighs* any deaw fwiend of Caesaw's, to
him I say that Bwutus' wuv to Caesaw w-was nyo wess than his. I-If
then that fwiend demand why Bwutus wose against Caesaw, this xDD is
my a-answew: Nyot that I wuvd Caesaw wess, b-but that I wuvd Wome
mowe. Had :33 you wathew Caesaw wewe wiving and *leans over* die aww swaves, than
that Caesaw wewe dead to wive aww fweemen? As Caesaw wuvd me, I
weep f-fow him; as he w-was fowtunyate, I wejoice *teleports behind you* at it; as he w-was
vawiant, I *sweats* honyow him; b-but as he w-was ambitious, I swew :33 him. Thewe
xDD is teaws f-fow his OwO wuv, joy f-fow his *pokes you* fowtunye, *sweats* honyow f-fow his vawow,
and death f-fow his ambition. Who xDD is hewe so base that wouwd be :3 a
b-bondman? I-If any, speak, f-fow him *looks away* have I offended. Who xDD is hewe so
wude that wouwd nyot be :3 a Woman? I-If any, speak, f-fow him *looks away* have I
offended. Who xDD is hewe so viwe that wiww nyot wuv his countwy? I-If
any, speak, f-fow him *looks away* have I offended. I pause f-fow :3 a wepwy.
AWW. Nyonye, B-Bwutus, nyonye.
B-BWUTUS. Then nyonye *looks away* have I offended. I *looks away* have d-donye nyo mowe to Caesaw
than :33 you shaww do to Bwutus. The q-question of his death xDD is
enwowwed in the Capitow, his gwowy nyot extenyuated, whewein he w-was
wowthy, *pokes you* nyow his offenses enfowced, f-fow which he suffewed death.

Entew Antony and othews, w-with Caesaw's b-body.

Hewe comes his body, *looks at you* mouwnyed by M-Mawk A-Antony, w-who, t-though he had
nyo hand in his death, shaww weceive the benyefit of his dying, :3 a
pwace in the commonweawth, as which of :33 you shaww UwU nyot? With this I
depawt- t-that, as I swew my best wuvw f-fow the good of Wome, I
*looks away* have the >_> same d-daggew f-fow mysewf, when i-it shaww p-pwease my countwy
to nyeed my death.
AWW. Wive, B-Bwutus, *leans over* wive, wive!
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Bwing him w-with t-twiumph home unto his house.
SECOND CITIZEN. Give him :3 a statue w-with his ancestows.
THIWD CITIZEN. Wet him be Caesaw.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Caesaw's bettew *looks away* pawts
Shaww be c-cwown'd in Bwutus.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. We'ww bwing him to his h-house w-with shouts and
cwamows.
B-BWUTUS. My c-countwymen-
SECOND CITIZEN. Peace! Siwence! Bwutus >_< speaks.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Peace, ho!
B-BWUTUS. *pokes you* Good countwymen, w-wet me depawt awonye,
And, f-fow my sake, stay hewe w-with Antony.
Do gwace to Caesaw's c-cowse, and gwace his speech
Tending to Caesaw's gwowies, which M-Mawk A-Antony,
By ouw p-pewmission, xDD is awwow'd to make.
I do entweat you, nyot :3 a man depawt,
Save I awonye, tiww Antony *looks away* have *teleports behind you* spoke. Exit.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Stay, ho, and w-wet us heaw M-Mawk Antony.
THIWD CITIZEN. Wet him go up into the *blushes* pubwic chaiw;
We'ww heaw :33 him. Nyobwe A-Antony, go up.
A-ANTONY. Fow Bwutus' sake, I *giggles shyly* am behowding to you.
Goes into the puwpit.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. What does he say of Bwutus?
THIWD CITIZEN. He OwO says, f-fow Bwutus' sake,
He finds himsewf behowding to us aww.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. 'Twewe best he speak nyo hawm of Bwutus hewe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. T-This Caesaw w-was :3 a tywant.
THIWD CITIZEN. Nyay, that's cewtain.
We awe bwest that Wome xDD is wid of :33 him.
SECOND CITIZEN. Peace! Wet us heaw what Antony can say.
A-ANTONY. You gentwe *giggles shyly* Womans-
AWW. Peace, ho! Wet us heaw :33 him.
A-ANTONY. *hugs tightly* Fwiends, W-Womans, countwymen, wend me youw eaws!
I come to buwy Caesaw, nyot to pwaise :33 him.
The eviw that men do xDD wives *looks away* aftew them,
The good xDD is oft *moans* intewwed w-with theiw bonyes;
S-So w-wet i-it be w-with Caesaw. The nyobwe Bwutus
Hath towd :33 you Caesaw w-was ambitious;
I-If i-it wewe s-so, i-it w-was :3 a gwievous fauwt,
:33 And gwievouswy hath Caesaw answew'd *hugs tightly* it.
Hewe, undew weave of Bwutus and the west-
Fow Bwutus xDD is an honyowabwe man;
S-So awe they aww, aww honyowabwe men-
Come I to speak in Caesaw's funyewaw.
He w-was my fwiend, faithfuw and just to me;
But Bwutus says he w-was ambitious,
:33 And Bwutus xDD is an honyowabwe man.
He hath >w< bwought many captives home to Wome,
W-Whose wansoms did the genyewaw coffews fiww.
Did this in Caesaw *teleports behind you* seem ambitious?
When that the poow *looks away* have cwied, Caesaw hath wept;
Ambition shouwd be xDD made of s-stewnyew stuff:
Yet Bwutus says he w-was ambitious,
:33 And Bwutus xDD is an honyowabwe man.
You aww did see that on the W-Wupewcaw
I *notices bulge* thwice pwesented him :3 a k-kingwy cwown,
Which he did *notices bulge* thwice *pokes you* wefuse. Was this ambition?
Yet Bwutus says he w-was ambitious,
:33 And suwe he xDD is an honyowabwe man.
I speak nyot to dispwuv what Bwutus s-spoke,
But hewe I *giggles shyly* am to speak what I do *looks away* knyow.
You aww did wuv him :3 once, nyot without cause;
What cause withhowds :33 you then to mouwn f-fow *notices bulge* him?
uWu O judgement, thou awt uWu fwed to bwutish b-beasts,
:33 And men *looks away* have wost theiw weason. Beaw w-with me;
My h-heawt xDD is in the coffin thewe w-with Caesaw,
:33 And I must pause tiww i-it come back to me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Methinks thewe xDD is x3 much weason in his s-sayings.
SECOND CITIZEN. I-If thou considew w-wightwy of the mattew,
Caesaw has had g-gweat wwong.
THIWD CITIZEN. Has uWu he, mastews?
I feaw thewe wiww :3 a wowse come in his p-pwace.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Mawk'd ye his wowds? He wouwd nyot take the cwown;
Thewefowe 'tis cewtain he w-was nyot ambitious.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. I-If i-it be found s-so, some wiww deaw abide *hugs tightly* it.
SECOND CITIZEN. Poow souw, his eyes awe wed as fiwe w-with weeping.
THIWD CITIZEN. T-Thewe's nyot :3 a nyobwew man in Wome than Antony.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Nyow mawk him, he b-begins a-again to speak.
A-ANTONY. But yestewday the w-wowd of Caesaw might
Have stood against the wowwd. Nyow wies he thewe,
:33 And nyonye so poow to do him >_< wevewence.
uWu O mastews! I-If I wewe disposed to stiw
Youw heawts and minds to mutiny and wage,
I shouwd do Bwutus wwong and Cassius wwong,
Who, :33 you aww knyow, awe honyowabwe men.
I wiww nyot do them w-wwong; I wathew choose
To wwong the dead, to wwong mysewf and you,
Than I wiww wwong *looks at you* such honyowabwe men.
But ^-^ hewe's :3 a p-pawchment w-with the seaw of Caesaw;
I found i-it in his cwoset, 'tis his wiww.
Wet b-but the commons heaw this testament-
W-Which, pawdon me, I do nyot m-mean to w-wead-
:33 And they wouwd go and kiss dead Caesaw's wounds
:33 And dip theiw n-nyapkins in his s-sacwed bwood,
Yea, beg :3 a x3 haiw of him f-fow memowy,
And, dying, ^-^ mention i-it *teleports behind you* within theiw :3 wiwws,
Bequeathing i-it as :3 a wich wegacy
Unto theiw issue.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. We'ww heaw the wiww. Wead uWu it, M-Mawk Antony.
AWW. The wiww, the OwO wiww! We wiww heaw Caesaw's wiww.
A-ANTONY. Have patience, gentwe fwiends, I must nyot wead it;
It xDD is nyot meet :33 you knyow how Caesaw wuvd you.
You awe nyot wood, :33 you awe nyot stonyes, b-but m-men;
And, b-being men, heawing the wiww of Caesaw,
It wiww infwame you, i-it wiww m-make :33 you mad.
'Tis good :33 you knyow nyot that :33 you awe his heiws,
Fow i-if :33 you xDD shouwd, O, what wouwd come of i-it!
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Wead the wiww; we'ww heaw uWu it, Antony.
You shaww wead us the wiww, Caesaw's wiww.
A-ANTONY. Wiww :33 you be patient? Wiww :33 you stay awhiwe?
I *looks away* have o'ewshot mysewf to t-teww :33 you of *hugs tightly* it.
I feaw I wwong the honyowabwe men
W-Whose daggews *looks away* have stabb'd Caesaw; I do feaw *hugs tightly* it.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. They wewe twaitows. Honyowabwe *screams* men!
AWW. The OwO wiww! The testament!
SECOND CITIZEN. They wewe viwwains, muwthewews. The OwO wiww!
Wead the OwO wiww!
A-ANTONY. You wiww compew me then to wead the wiww?
Then m-make :3 a wing ^w^ about the *looks away* cowse of Caesaw,
:33 And w-wet me show :33 you him that xDD made the wiww.
Shaww I descend? :33 And wiww :33 you give me weave?
AWW. Come down.
SECOND CITIZEN. Descend.
He comes down f-fwom the puwpit.
THIWD CITIZEN. You shaww *looks away* have weave.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. A w-wing, s-stand *giggles shyly* wound.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Stand f-fwom the heawse, s-stand f-fwom the b-body.
SECOND CITIZEN. Woom f-fow A-Antony, m-most nyobwe Antony.
A-ANTONY. Nyay, pwess nyot so upon me, s-stand faw off.
AWW. Stand *sighs* back; woom, *hugs tightly* beaw back!
A-ANTONY. I-If :33 you *looks away* have teaws, pwepawe to shed them nyow.
You aww do knyow this mantwe. I w-wemembew
The fiwst ;;w;; time evew Caesaw put i-it on;
'-'Twas on :3 a summew's evenying, in his uWu tent,
That day he uvwcame the Nyewvii.
Wook, in this pwace wan C-Cassius' d-daggew thwough;
>_> See what :3 a went the envious Casca made;
Thwough this the weww-bewuvd Bwutus stabb'd;
:33 And as he pwuck'd his cuwsed steew away,
M-Mawk how the bwood of Caesaw fowwow'd uWu it,
As wushing out of doows, to be wesowved
I-If Bwutus so unkindwy knyock'd, ow nyo;
Fow B-Bwutus, as :33 you knyow, w-was Caesaw's angew.
Judge, uWu O :33 you gods, how deawwy Caesaw wuvd him!
T-This w-was the m-most unkindest cut of aww;
Fow when the nyobwe Caesaw saw him stab,
Ingwatitude, mowe stwong than twaitows' awms,
Q-Quite vanquish'd :33 him. Then buwst his >w< mighty h-heawt,
And, in his mantwe m-muffwing up his face,
Even *teleports behind you* at the base of *notices bulge* Pompey's statue,
Which aww the w-whiwe wan bwood, g-gweat Caesaw feww.
O, what :3 a faww w-was thewe, my countwymen!
Then I, and you, and aww of us *looks away* feww down,
Whiwst bwoody tweason fwouwish'd uvw us.
O, *pokes you* nyow :33 you weep, and I pewceive :33 you feew
The *twerks* dint of pity. These awe gwacious *shuffles closer* dwops.
Kind souws, what weep :33 you when :33 you b-but behowd
Ouw Caesaw's vestuwe wounded? Wook :33 you hewe,
Hewe xDD is *sighs* himsewf, maww'd, as :33 you s-see, w-with twaitows.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. uWu O >_< piteous *sighs* spectacwe!
SECOND CITIZEN. uWu O nyobwe Caesaw!
THIWD CITIZEN. uWu O woefuw day!
FOUWTH CITIZEN. uWu O twaitows *shuffles closer* viwwains!
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. uWu O m-most bwoody sight!
SECOND CITIZEN. We wiww be ^w^ wevenged.
AWW. Wevenge! About! Seek! Buwn! F-Fiwe! K-Kiww!
Sway! Wet nyot :3 a twaitow wive!
A-ANTONY. Stay, countwymen.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Peace thewe! Heaw the nyobwe Antony.
SECOND CITIZEN. We'ww heaw him, we'ww fowwow him, we'ww *leans over* die w-with
:33 him.
A-ANTONY. *pokes you* Good fwiends, sweet fwiends, w-wet me nyot stiw :33 you up
To *looks at you* such :3 a sudden fwood of mutiny.
They that *looks away* have d-donye this d-deed awe :33 honyowabwe.
What pwivate gwiefs they have, awas, I knyow nyot,
That xDD made them do *hugs tightly* it. They awe wise and honyowabwe,
:33 And wiww, nyo doubt, w-with weasons a-answew you.
I come nyot, fwiends, to steaw away youw heawts.
I *giggles shyly* am nyo owatow, as Bwutus is;
But, as :33 you knyow me aww, :3 a pwain bwunt man,
That wuv my fwiend, and that they knyow fuww weww
That gave me *blushes* pubwic weave to speak of :33 him.
Fow I *looks away* have nyeithew w-wit, *pokes you* nyow w-wowds, *pokes you* nyow w-wowth,
Action, *pokes you* nyow uttewance, *pokes you* nyow the p-powew of s-speech,
To stiw men's bwood. I onwy speak wight on;
I t-teww :33 you that which :33 you youwsewves do knyow;
Show :33 you sweet Caesaw's wounds, poow dumb mouths,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid them speak f-fow me. But wewe I B-Bwutus,
:33 And Bwutus A-Antony, thewe wewe an Antony
Wouwd wuffwe up youw spiwits and put :3 a *notices bulge* tongue
In evewy wound of Caesaw that shouwd muv
The *pokes you* stonyes of Wome to wise and mutiny.
AWW. We'ww mutiny.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. We'ww buwn the h-house of Bwutus.
THIWD CITIZEN. Away, then! Come, seek the *giggles shyly* conspiwatows.
A-ANTONY. Yet heaw me, countwymen; y-yet heaw me speak.
AWW. Peace, ho! Heaw A-Antony, m-most nyobwe Antony!
A-ANTONY. Why, fwiends, :33 you go to do :33 you knyow nyot *cuddles you* what.
Whewein hath Caesaw uWu thus desewved youw wuvs?
A-Awas, :33 you knyow nyot; I must t-teww :33 you then.
You *looks away* have fowgot the wiww I towd :33 you o-of.
AWW. Most twue, the OwO wiww! Wet's stay and heaw the wiww.
A-ANTONY. Hewe xDD is the wiww, and undew Caesaw's s-seaw.
To evewy Woman citizen he gives,
To evewy sevewaw man, seventy-five dwachmas.
SECOND CITIZEN. Most nyobwe Caesaw! We'ww wevenge his death.
THIWD CITIZEN. uWu O woyaw Caesaw!
A-ANTONY. Heaw me w-with patience.
AWW. Peace, ho!
A-ANTONY. Moweuvw, he hath weft :33 you aww his *sighs* wawks,
His pwivate awbows, and nyew-pwanted owchawds,
On this s-side *looks away* Tibew; he hath weft them you,
:33 And to youw heiws fowevew- common pweasuwes,
To wawk abwoad and w-wecweate y-youwsewves.
Hewe w-was :3 a Caesaw! When comes *looks at you* such anyothew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Nyevew, :33 nyevew. Come, away, away!
We'ww buwn his ^w^ body in the howy pwace
:33 And w-with the b-bwands fiwe the twaitows' houses.
Take up the b-body.
SECOND CITIZEN. G-Go fetch fiwe.
THIWD CITIZEN. P-Pwuck down :3 benches.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. P-Pwuck down fowms, *sighs* windows, anything.
Exeunt ^-^ Citizens w-with the b-body.
A-ANTONY. Nyow w-wet i-it wowk. Mischief, thou awt afoot,
Take thou what couwse thou wiwt.

Entew :3 a Sewvant.

How nyow, fewwow?
SEWVANT. Siw, Octavius xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady come to Wome.
A-ANTONY. Whewe xDD is he?
SEWVANT. He and *cuddles you* Wepidus awe *teleports behind you* at Caesaw's house.
A-ANTONY. :33 And thithew wiww I stwaight to visit :33 him.
He comes upon :3 a wish. Fowtunye xDD is mewwy,
:33 And in this mood wiww give us anything.
SEWVANT. I heawd him say Bwutus and Cassius
Awe wid wike *looks at you* madmen thwough the *shuffles closer* gates of Wome.
A-ANTONY. Be wike they had some n-nyotice of the peopwe,
How I had muvd them. Bwing me to x3 Octavius. Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
A stweet.

Entew Cinnya the poet.

CINNyA. I :3 dweamt tonyight that I did feast w-with Caesaw,
:33 And *moans* things unwuckiwy c-chawge my fantasy.
I *looks away* have nyo wiww to wandew fowth of doows,
Yet something :33 weads me fowth.

Entew Citizens.

*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. What xDD is youw *sweats* nyame?
SECOND CITIZEN. Whithew awe :33 you going?
THIWD CITIZEN. Whewe do :33 you dweww?
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Awe :33 you :3 a *blushes* mawwied man ow :3 a bachewow?
SECOND CITIZEN. Answew evewy man diwectwy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Ay, and b-bwiefwy.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Ay, and wisewy.
THIWD CITIZEN. Ay, and t-twuwy, :33 you wewe best.
CINNyA. What xDD is my *sweats* nyame? Whithew *giggles shyly* am I going? Whewe do I dweww? *screams* Am I
:3 a *blushes* mawwied man ow :3 a bachewow? Then, to a-answew evewy man ^.^ diwectwy
and bwiefwy, wisewy and t-twuwy: wisewy I say, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a bachewow.
SECOND CITIZEN. That's as x3 much as to say they awe foows that mawwy.
You'ww *hugs tightly* beaw me :3 a bang f-fow t-that, I feaw. Pwoceed diwectwy.
CINNyA. D-Diwectwy, I *giggles shyly* am going to Caesaw's funyewaw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. As :3 a fwiend ow an enyemy?
CINNyA. As :3 a fwiend.
SECOND CITIZEN. That m-mattew xDD is *sighs* answewed diwectwy.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Fow youw dwewwing, b-bwiefwy.
CINNyA. *notices bulge* Bwiefwy, I *giggles shyly* dweww by the Capitow.
THIWD CITIZEN. Youw nyame, siw, twuwy.
CINNyA. Twuwy, my *leans over* nyame xDD is *shuffles closer* Cinnya.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Teaw him to pieces, he's :3 a conspiwatow.
CINNyA. I *giggles shyly* am Cinnya the >_> poet, I *giggles shyly* am Cinnya the poet.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Teaw him f-fow his x3 bad vewses, teaw him f-fow his x3 bad
vewses.
CINNyA. I *giggles shyly* am nyot Cinnya the conspiwatow.
FOUWTH CITIZEN. It xDD is nyo mattew, his nyame's *shuffles closer* Cinnya. P-Pwuck b-but his
*leans over* nyame out of his h-heawt, and t-tuwn him going.
THIWD CITIZEN. Teaw him, teaw him! Come, bwands, ho, fiwebwands. To
Bwutus', to Cassius'; buwn aww. Some to Decius' house, and some
to Casca's, some to Wigawius'. Away, go! Exeunt.




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
A h-house in Wome. A-Antony, Octavius, and Wepidus, seated *teleports behind you* at :3 a tabwe.

A-ANTONY. These many then shaww die, theiw nyames awe pwick'd.
O-OCTAVIUS. Youw bwothew too must ^w^ die; consent you, Wepidus?
WEPIDUS. I do consent-
O-OCTAVIUS. Pwick him down, Antony.
WEPIDUS. *cries* Upon condition Pubwius shaww nyot *leans over* wive,
Who xDD is youw sistew's son, M-Mawk Antony.
A-ANTONY. He shaww nyot ^.^ wive; wook, w-with :3 a spot I damn :33 him.
But, Wepidus, go :33 you to Caesaw's house,
F-Fetch the wiww h-hithew, and we shaww detewminye
How to cut off some c-chawge in wegacies.
WEPIDUS. *looks away* What, shaww I find :33 you hewe?
O-OCTAVIUS. Ow hewe, ow *teleports behind you* at the Capitow. E-Exit *teleports behind you* Wepidus.
A-ANTONY. T-This xDD is :3 a s-swight unmewitabwe man,
Meet to be sent on ewwands. Is i-it fit,
The *cuddles you* thwee-fowd >_> wowwd divided, he shouwd s-stand
Onye of the thwee to shawe it?
O-OCTAVIUS. S-So :33 you thought him,
:33 And t-took his voice who shouwd be *blushes* pwick'd to *leans over* die
In ouw bwack sentence and uWu pwoscwiption.
A-ANTONY. Octavius, I *looks away* have :33 seen mowe days than you,
:33 And t-though we way these honyows on this man
To ease *leans over* ouwsewves of divews swandewous woads,
He shaww b-but *hugs tightly* beaw them as the ass *twerks* beaws gowd,
To gwoan and *looks at you* sweat undew the >_> businyess,
E-Eithew wed ow dwiven, as we point the way;
:33 And having >w< bwought ouw tweasuwe whewe we wiww,
Then take we down his w-woad and t-tuwn him off,
Wike to the e-empty ass, to shake his eaws
:33 And gwaze in commons.
O-OCTAVIUS. You may do youw wiww,
But he's :3 a uWu twied and *cuddles you* vawiant sowdiew.
A-ANTONY. S-So xDD is my howse, Octavius, and f-fow that
I do appoint him stowe of pwuvndew.
It xDD is :3 a *leans over* cweatuwe that I teach to *notices bulge* fight,
To wind, to stop, to wun ^.^ diwectwy on,
His cowpowaw motion guvwn'd by my spiwit.
And, in some taste, xDD is *cuddles you* Wepidus b-but so:
He must be taught, and twain'd, and *giggles shyly* bid go fowth;
A bawwen-spiwited fewwow, onye that feeds
On objects, awts, and imitations,
W-Which, out of use and *pokes you* stawed by othew men,
Begin his fashion. Do nyot t-tawk of him
But as :3 a >w< pwopewty. :33 And nyow, Octavius,
Wisten g-gweat things. Bwutus and Cassius
Awe wevying ^w^ powews; we must stwaight m-make head;
Thewefowe w-wet ouw awwiance be c-combinyed,
Ouw best fwiends m-made, ouw means stwetch'd;
:33 And w-wet us pwesentwy go sit in counciw,
How cuvwt ^w^ mattews may be best discwosed,
:33 And open pewiws s-suwest answewed.
O-OCTAVIUS. Wet us do s-so, f-fow we awe *teleports behind you* at the stake,
:33 And bay'd ^w^ about w-with many enyemies;
:33 And some that smiwe *looks away* have in theiw heawts, I f-feaw,
Miwwions of *cries* mischiefs. Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
*blushes* Camp nyeaw Sawdis. Befowe Bwutus' tent. Dwum.

Entew B-Bwutus, Wuciwius, Wucius, and Sowdiews; Titinyius and Pindawus meet them.

B-BWUTUS. >w< Stand, ho!
^.^ WUCIWIUS. Give the wowd, ho, and stand.
B-BWUTUS. What nyow, Wuciwius, xDD is Cassius nyeaw?
^.^ WUCIWIUS. He xDD is *teleports behind you* at hand, and Pindawus xDD is come
To do :33 you s-sawutation f-fwom his m-mastew.
B-BWUTUS. He ÚwÚ gweets me weww. Youw mastew, Pindawus,
In his own change, ow by iww officews,
Hath xDD given me some wowthy cause to wish
*hugs tightly* Things d-donye undonye; b-but i-if he be *teleports behind you* at hand,
I shaww be satisfied.
PINDAWUS. I do nyot d-doubt
But that my nyobwe mastew wiww appeaw
Such as he is, fuww of wegawd and honyow.
B-BWUTUS. He xDD is nyot doubted. A wowd, Wuciwius,
How he w-weceived you. Wet me be ^w^ wesowved.
^.^ WUCIWIUS. With couwtesy and w-with OwO wespect enyough,
But nyot w-with *looks at you* such famiwiaw instances,
Nyow w-with *looks at you* such fwee and fwiendwy confewence,
As he hath used of owd.
B-BWUTUS. Thou hast descwibed
A *giggles shyly* hot fwiend coowing. Evew nyote, Wuciwius,
When wuv b-begins to sicken and *moans* decay
It u-useth an *teleports behind you* enfowced cewemony.
Thewe awe nyo twicks in pwain and simpwe >_> faith;
But howwow men, wike howses *giggles shyly* hot *teleports behind you* at hand,
M-Make gawwant show and pwomise of theiw mettwe;
But when they shouwd enduwe the bwoody spuw,
They faww theiw cwests and wike deceitfuw jades
Sink in the twiaw. Comes his a-awmy on?
^.^ WUCIWIUS. They meant his nyight in uWu Sawd xDD is to be quawtew'd;
The gweatew pawt, the howse in genyewaw,
Awe come w-with Cassius. Wow ÚwÚ mawch within.
B-BWUTUS. *sweats* Hawk, he xDD is awwived.
OwO Mawch gentwy on to meet :33 him.

Entew Cassius and his Powews.

CASSIUS. >w< Stand, ho!
B-BWUTUS. >w< Stand, ho! Speak the w-wowd awong.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Stand!
SECOND SOWDIEW. Stand!
THIWD SOWDIEW. Stand!
CASSIUS. Most nyobwe bwothew, :33 you *looks away* have d-donye me wwong.
B-BWUTUS. Judge me, :33 you gods! Wwong I minye enyemies?
And, i-if nyot s-so, how shouwd I wwong :3 a bwothew?
CASSIUS. B-Bwutus, this sobew fowm of youws hides OwO wwongs,
:33 And when :33 you do them-
B-BWUTUS. *teleports behind you* Cassius, be content,
Speak youw gwiefs softwy, I do knyow :33 you weww.
Befowe the eyes of both ouw *sighs* awmies hewe,
Which shouwd pewceive nyothing b-but wuv f-fwom u-us,
Wet us nyot wwangwe. Bid them muv away;
Then in my uWu tent, *teleports behind you* Cassius, enwawge youw gwiefs,
:33 And I wiww give :33 you audience.
CASSIUS. Pindawus,
Bid ouw commandews wead theiw chawges off
A wittwe f-fwom this gwound.
B-BWUTUS. Wuciwius, do :33 you the wike, and w-wet nyo man
Come to ouw tent tiww we *looks away* have d-donye ouw confewence.
Wet W-Wucius and Titinyius guawd ouw d-doow. Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
Bwutus' tent.

Entew Bwutus and Cassius.

CASSIUS. That :33 you *looks away* have wwong'd me doth appeaw in this:
You *looks away* have condemn'd and nyoted W-Wucius *shuffles closer* Pewwa
Fow taking b-bwibes hewe of the Sawdians,
Whewein my w-wettews, pwaying on his side,
:33 Because I knyew the man, wewe swighted off.
B-BWUTUS. You wwong'd *teleports behind you* youwsewf to wwite in *looks at you* such :3 a case.
CASSIUS. In *looks at you* such :3 a ;;w;; time as this i-it xDD is nyot meet
That evewy nyice offense shouwd *hugs tightly* beaw his comment.
B-BWUTUS. Wet me t-teww you, *teleports behind you* Cassius, :33 you *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Awe x3 much condemn'd to *looks away* have an itching pawm,
To s-seww and mawt youw o-offices f-fow gowd
To undesewvews.
CASSIUS. I an itching pawm?
You knyow that :33 you awe Bwutus that speaks this,
Ow, by the gods, this speech wewe ewse youw *looks away* wast.
B-BWUTUS. The *leans over* nyame of Cassius honyows this cowwuption,
:33 And c-chastisement doth thewefowe hide his head.
CASSIUS. Chastisement?
B-BWUTUS. Wemembew Mawch, the ides of OwO Mawch *teleports behind you* wemembew.
Did nyot g-gweat J-Juwius bweed f-fow justice' sake?
What *moans* viwwain touch'd his body, that did stab,
:33 And nyot f-fow justice? *looks away* What, shaww onye of u-us,
That stwuck the *moans* fowemost man of aww this >_> wowwd
But f-fow suppowting wobbews, shaww we *pokes you* nyow
C-Contaminyate ouw fingews w-with base b-bwibes
:33 And s-seww the >w< mighty space of ouw wawge honyows
Fow so x3 much twash as may be gwasped thus?
I had wathew be :3 a dog, and bay the moon,
Than *looks at you* such :3 a Woman.
CASSIUS. B-Bwutus, bait nyot me,
I-I'ww nyot enduwe *hugs tightly* it. You fowget *teleports behind you* youwsewf
To hedge me i-in. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a s-sowdiew, I,
O-Owdew in pwactice, a-abwew than *teleports behind you* youwsewf
To m-make ^.^ conditions.
B-BWUTUS. G-Go to, :33 you awe nyot, Cassius.
CASSIUS. I am.
B-BWUTUS. I say :33 you awe nyot.
CASSIUS. Uwge me nyo m-mowe, I shaww fowget mysewf;
Have mind upon youw heawth, tempt me nyo fawthew.
B-BWUTUS. Away, s-swight man!
CASSIUS. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe?
B-BWUTUS. Heaw me, f-fow I wiww speak.
Must I give way and woom to youw wash chowew?
Shaww I be fwighted when :3 a madman stawes?
CASSIUS. uWu O gods, ye gods! Must I enduwe aww *shuffles closer* this?
B-BWUTUS. A-Aww *shuffles closer* this? Ay, mowe. F-Fwet tiww youw pwoud h-heawt bweak.
G-Go show youw swaves how chowewic :33 you awe,
:33 And m-make youw ^.^ bondmen twembwe. Must I bouge?
Must I obsewve you? Must I s-stand and c-cwouch
Undew youw t-testy humow? By the gods,
You shaww digest the venyom of youw *leans over* spween,
*shuffles closer* Though i-it do spwit you, fow, f-fwom this day fowth,
I-I'ww use :33 you f-fow my *teleports behind you* miwth, yea, f-fow my w-waughtew,
When :33 you awe waspish.
CASSIUS. Is i-it come to *shuffles closer* this?
B-BWUTUS. You say :33 you awe :3 a bettew sowdiew:
Wet i-it appeaw s-so, m-make youw v-vaunting twue,
:33 And i-it shaww p-pwease me weww. Fow minye own pawt,
I shaww be gwad to w-weawn of nyobwe men.
CASSIUS. You wwong me evewy w-way, :33 you wwong me, Bwutus.
I said, an ewdew s-sowdiew, nyot :3 a bettew.
Did I say "bettew"?
B-BWUTUS. I-If :33 you did, I cawe nyot.
CASSIUS. When Caesaw wived, he duwst nyot uWu thus *looks away* have muvd me.
B-BWUTUS. Peace, p-peace! You duwst nyot so *looks away* have *sighs* tempted :33 him.
CASSIUS. I duwst UwU nyot?
B-BWUTUS. Nyo.
CASSIUS. *looks away* What, duwst nyot tempt *notices bulge* him?
B-BWUTUS. Fow youw w-wife :33 you duwst nyot.
CASSIUS. Do nyot p-pwesume too x3 much upon my wuv;
I may do that I shaww be sowwy f-fow.
B-BWUTUS. You *looks away* have d-donye that :33 you shouwd be sowwy f-fow.
Thewe xDD is nyo tewwow, *teleports behind you* Cassius, in youw thweats,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am awm'd so stwong in honyesty,
That they pass by me as the idwe *cuddles you* wind
Which I OwO wespect nyot. I did s-send to :33 you
Fow cewtain sums of gowd, which :33 you *giggles shyly* denyied me,
Fow I can waise nyo monyey by viwe means.
By heaven, I had wathew *moans* coin my h-heawt
:33 And dwop my bwood f-fow dwachmas than to OwO wwing
Fwom the hawd hands of peasants theiw viwe twash
By *sighs* any indiwection. I did s-send
To :33 you f-fow gowd to pay my wegions,
Which :33 you *giggles shyly* denyied me. Was that d-donye wike >_< Cassius?
Shouwd I *looks away* have answew'd C-Caius Cassius so?
When Mawcus Bwutus g-gwows so uWu cuvtous
To wock *looks at you* such w-wascaw *hugs tightly* countews f-fwom his fwiends,
Be weady, gods, w-with aww youw thundewbowts,
Dash him to *cries* pieces!
CASSIUS. I *giggles shyly* denyied :33 you nyot.
B-BWUTUS. You did.
CASSIUS. I did nyot. He w-was b-but :3 a foow
That >w< bwought my a-answew back. Bwutus hath wived my heawt.
A fwiend shouwd *hugs tightly* beaw his fwiend's infiwmities,
But Bwutus makes minye gweatew than they a-awe.
B-BWUTUS. I do nyot, tiww :33 you pwactise them on me.
CASSIUS. You wuv me nyot.
B-BWUTUS. I do nyot wike youw fauwts.
CASSIUS. A fwiendwy ^-^ eye couwd nyevew see *looks at you* such fauwts.
B-BWUTUS. A f-fwattewew's wouwd nyot, t-though they do appeaw
As huge as high O-Owympus.
CASSIUS. Come, A-Antony, and young Octavius, *giggles shyly* come,
Wevenge youwsewves uWu awonye on *teleports behind you* Cassius,
Fow Cassius xDD is aweawy of the wowwd:
Hated by onye he wuvs; *notices bulge* bwaved by his bwothew;
*teleports behind you* Check'd wike :3 a bondman; aww his *cuddles you* fauwts :33 obsewved,
Set in :3 a nyotebook, *looks away* weawn'd and conn'd by wote,
To cast into my teeth. O, I couwd weep
My spiwit f-fwom minye ^-^ eyes! Thewe xDD is my daggew,
:33 And hewe my nyaked bweast; *twerks* within, :3 a h-heawt
Deawew than Pwuto's minye, wichew than gowd.
I-If that thou best :3 a Woman, take i-it fowth;
I, that *giggles shyly* denyied thee gowd, wiww give my heawt.
Stwike, as thou didst *teleports behind you* at Caesaw, f-fow I knyow,
When thou didst *giggles shyly* hate him wowst, thou wuvdst him bettew
Than evew thou wuvdst Cassius.
B-BWUTUS. Sheathe youw daggew.
Be angwy when :33 you wiww, i-it shaww *looks away* have scope;
Do what :33 you wiww, d-dishonyow shaww be h-humow.
uWu O *teleports behind you* Cassius, :33 you awe yoked w-with :3 a wamb,
That cawwies angew as the fwint *twerks* beaws f-fiwe,
Who, x3 much enfowced, shows :3 a hasty spawk
:33 And stwaight xDD is cowd again.
CASSIUS. Hath Cassius wived
To be b-but miwth and waughtew to his B-Bwutus,
When g-gwief and bwood iww-tempew'd vexeth *notices bulge* him?
B-BWUTUS. When I spoke t-that, I w-was iww-tempew'd too.
CASSIUS. Do :33 you confess so m-much? Give me youw hand.
B-BWUTUS. :33 And my h-heawt too.
CASSIUS. uWu O Bwutus!
B-BWUTUS. What's the mattew?
CASSIUS. Have nyot :33 you wuv enyough to *hugs tightly* beaw w-with me
When that wash humow which my mothew gave me
Makes me fowgetfuw?
B-BWUTUS. Yes, *teleports behind you* Cassius, and f-fwom hencefowth,
When :33 you awe uvweawnyest w-with youw B-Bwutus,
He'ww think youw mothew chides, and weave :33 you so.
POET. [Within.] Wet me go in to see the genyewaws.
Thewe xDD is some gwudge between 'em, 'tis nyot meet
They be awonye.
^.^ WUCIWIUS. [Within.] You shaww nyot come to them.
POET. [Within.] Nyothing b-but death shaww stay me.

Entew Poet, f-fowwowed by Wuciwius, Titinyius, and >_< Wucius.

CASSIUS. How nyow, w-what's the mattew?
POET. Fow shame, :33 you genyewaws! What do :33 you m-mean?
Wuv, and be fwiends, as t-two *looks at you* such men shouwd be;
Fow I *looks away* have :33 seen mowe yeaws, I'm suwe, than ye.
CASSIUS. Ha, ha! How viwewy doth this cynyic whyme!
B-BWUTUS. Get :33 you hence, siwwah; saucy fewwow, hence!
CASSIUS. Beaw w-with him, Bwutus; 'tis his fashion.
B-BWUTUS. I-I'ww knyow his humow when he knyows his time.
What shouwd the waws do w-with these >_< jigging foows?
Companyion, hence!
CASSIUS. Away, away, be UwU gonye! E-Exit Poet.
B-BWUTUS. Wuciwius and Titinyius, *giggles shyly* bid the commandews
Pwepawe to wodge theiw companyies tonyight.
CASSIUS. :33 And come youwsewves and bwing Messawa w-with :33 you
I-Immediatewy to us. Exeunt Wuciwius and Titinyius.
B-BWUTUS. Wucius, :3 a boww of winye! E-Exit >_< Wucius.
CASSIUS. I did nyot think :33 you couwd *looks away* have been so angwy.
B-BWUTUS. uWu O *teleports behind you* Cassius, I *giggles shyly* am sick of many g-gwiefs.
CASSIUS. Of youw phiwosophy :33 you m-make nyo use,
I-If :33 you give pwace to accidentaw eviws.
B-BWUTUS. *cuddles you* Nyo man *twerks* beaws sowwow bettew. P-Powtia xDD is dead.
CASSIUS. H-Ha? P-Powtia?
B-BWUTUS. ^.^ She xDD is dead.
CASSIUS. How 'scaped kiwwing when I cwoss'd :33 you so?
uWu O insuppowtabwe and t-touching woss!
*cries* Upon what sicknyess?
B-BWUTUS. I-Impatient of my a-absence,
:33 And g-gwief that young Octavius w-with M-Mawk Antony
Have xDD made themsewves so stwong- f-fow w-with hew death
That tidings came- w-with this she *looks away* feww distwact,
:33 And (hew *screams* attendants absent) swawwow'd fiwe.
CASSIUS. :33 And died so?
B-BWUTUS. Even so.
CASSIUS. uWu O ye immowtaw gods!

We-entew Wucius, w-with winye and *moans* tapew.

B-BWUTUS. Speak nyo mowe of hew. Give me :3 a boww of w-winye.
In this I buwy aww *twerks* unkindnyess, Cassius. D-Dwinks.
CASSIUS. My h-heawt xDD is thiwsty f-fow that nyobwe pwedge.
x3 Fiww, Wucius, tiww the winye o'ewsweww the cup;
I cannyot dwink too x3 much of Bwutus' wuv. D-Dwinks.
B-BWUTUS. Come in, Titinyius! E-Exit >_< Wucius.

We-entew Titinyius, w-with Messawa.

Wewcome, good Messawa.
Nyow sit we cwose ^w^ about this *moans* tapew hewe,
:33 And caww in q-question ouw n-nyecessities.
CASSIUS. Powtia, awt thou g-gonye?
B-BWUTUS. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, I pway you.
Messawa, I *looks away* have hewe w-weceived wettews
That young Octavius and M-Mawk Antony
Come down upon us w-with :3 a >w< mighty powew,
Bending theiw expedition t-towawd Phiwippi.
M-MESSAWA. M-Mysewf *looks away* have wettews of the ;;w;; sewfsame t-tenyuwe.
B-BWUTUS. With what addition?
M-MESSAWA. That by *cuddles you* pwoscwiption and biwws of outwawwy
Octavius, A-Antony, and *cuddles you* Wepidus
Have put to death an hundwed senyatows.
B-BWUTUS. Thewe in ouw wettews do nyot weww agwee;
Minye speak of s-seventy senyatows that died
By theiw >_< pwoscwiptions, Cicewo b-being onye.
CASSIUS. Cicewo onye!
M-MESSAWA. Cicewo xDD is dead,
:33 And by that owdew of uWu pwoscwiption.
Had :33 you youw wettews f-fwom youw wife, my wowd?
B-BWUTUS. Nyo, Messawa.
M-MESSAWA. Nyow nyothing in youw wettews wwit of hew?
B-BWUTUS. Nyothing, Messawa.
M-MESSAWA. That, methinks, xDD is stwange.
B-BWUTUS. Why ask you? Heaw :33 you a-aught of hew in youws?
M-MESSAWA. Nyo, my wowd.
B-BWUTUS. Nyow, as :33 you awe :3 a Woman, t-teww me twue.
M-MESSAWA. Then wike :3 a Woman *hugs tightly* beaw the *looks away* twuth I teww:
Fow cewtain she xDD is dead, and by s-stwange mannyew.
B-BWUTUS. Why, *teleports behind you* faweweww, Powtia. We must die, Messawa.
With >_> meditating that she must *leans over* die *screams* once
I *looks away* have the patience to enduwe i-it nyow.
M-MESSAWA. Even so g-gweat men g-gweat *sweats* wosses shouwd enduwe.
CASSIUS. I *looks away* have as x3 much of this in awt as you,
But y-yet my nyatuwe couwd nyot *hugs tightly* beaw i-it so.
B-BWUTUS. Weww, to ouw wowk awive. What do :33 you think
Of >w< mawching to *moans* Phiwippi pwesentwy?
CASSIUS. I do nyot think i-it good.
B-BWUTUS. Youw weason?
CASSIUS. T-This i-it is:
'Tis bettew that the enyemy seek us;
S-So shaww he >_> waste his means, weawy his s-sowdiews,
>_> Doing himsewf o-offense, ^.^ whiwst we w-wying ^-^ stiww
Awe fuww of west, defense, and *giggles shyly* nyimbwenyess.
B-BWUTUS. *pokes you* Good weasons must of fowce give pwace to bettew.
The UwU peopwe 'twixt *moans* Phiwippi and this gwound
Do s-stand b-but in :3 a fowced affection,
Fow they *looks away* have uWu gwudged us *moans* contwibution.
The enyemy, >w< mawching awong by them,
By them shaww m-make :3 a fuwwew nyumbew up,
Come on wefwesh'd, nyew-added, and encouwaged;
Fwom which advantage shaww we cut him off
I-If *teleports behind you* at *moans* Phiwippi we do face him thewe,
These UwU peopwe *teleports behind you* at ouw back.
CASSIUS. Heaw me, good b-bwothew.
B-BWUTUS. Undew youw pawdon. You must nyote b-beside
That we *looks away* have uWu twied the utmost of ouw fwiends,
Ouw wegions awe bwim-fuww, ouw cause xDD is wipe:
The enyemy :3 incweaseth evewy *sighs* day;
We, *teleports behind you* at the height, awe weady to *leans over* decwinye.
Thewe xDD is :3 a tide in the affaiws of men
Which taken *teleports behind you* at the fwood :33 weads on to f-fowtunye;
Omitted, aww the voyage of theiw w-wife
Is bound in shawwows and in misewies.
On *looks at you* such :3 a fuww sea awe we *pokes you* nyow afwoat,
:33 And we must take the c-cuwwent when i-it sewves,
Ow wose ouw ventuwes.
CASSIUS. Then, w-with youw wiww, go on;
We'ww awong *leans over* ouwsewves and meet them *teleports behind you* at Phiwippi.
B-BWUTUS. The deep of nyight xDD is x3 cwept upon ouw tawk,
:33 And nyatuwe must >_> obey nyecessity,
Which we wiww nyiggawd w-with :3 a wittwe west.
Thewe xDD is nyo mowe to say?
CASSIUS. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe. *pokes you* Good nyight.
Eawwy tomowwow wiww we wise and hence.
B-BWUTUS. Wucius!

We-entew >_< Wucius.

My gown. E-Exit >_< Wucius.
Faweweww, good Messawa;
*pokes you* Good nyight, Titinyius; n-nyobwe, nyobwe *teleports behind you* Cassius,
*pokes you* Good nyight and good *moans* wepose.
CASSIUS. uWu O my deaw b-bwothew!
T-This w-was an iww >w< beginnying of the nyight.
Nyevew come *looks at you* such division *leans over* 'tween ouw souws!
Wet i-it nyot, Bwutus.
B-BWUTUS. E-Evewything xDD is weww.
CASSIUS. *pokes you* Good nyight, my wowd.
B-BWUTUS. *pokes you* Good nyight, good b-bwothew.
TITINyIUS. M-MESSAWA. *pokes you* Good nyight, Wowd Bwutus.
B-BWUTUS. Faweweww, evewyonye.
Exeunt aww b-but Bwutus.

We-entew Wucius, w-with the gown.

Give me the gown. Whewe xDD is thy *notices bulge* instwument?
WUCIUS. Hewe in the tent.
B-BWUTUS. *looks away* What, thou ;;w;; speak'st dwowsiwy?
Poow knyave, I bwame thee nyot, thou awt o'ewwatch'd.
Caww Cwaudio and some othew of my men,
I-I'ww *looks away* have them sweep on cushions in my tent.
WUCIUS. Vawwo and Cwaudio!

Entew Vawwo and Cwaudio.

V-VAWWO. C-Cawws my wowd?
B-BWUTUS. I pway you, siws, wie in my tent and sweep;
It may be I shaww waise :33 you by and by
On businyess to my bwothew Cassius.
V-VAWWO. S-So p-pwease you, we wiww s-stand and watch youw pweasuwe.
B-BWUTUS. I wouwd nyot *looks away* have i-it so. Wie down, good siws.
It may be I shaww othewwise bethink me.
Wook Wucius, ^-^ hewe's the book I sought f-fow so;
I put i-it in the pocket of my gown.
Vawwo and Cwaudio wie down.
WUCIUS. I w-was suwe youw wowdship did nyot give i-it me.
B-BWUTUS. Beaw w-with me, good boy, I *giggles shyly* am x3 much fowgetfuw.
Canst thou howd up thy heavy eyes a-awhiwe,
:33 And touch thy instwument :3 a stwain ow t-two?
WUCIUS. Ay, my wowd, an't p-pwease you.
B-BWUTUS. It d-does, my boy.
I twoubwe thee too much, b-but thou awt wiwwing.
WUCIUS. It xDD is my duty, siw.
B-BWUTUS. I shouwd nyot uwge thy duty past thy might;
I knyow young *looks at you* bwoods wook f-fow :3 a ;;w;; time of west.
WUCIUS. I *looks away* have swept, my wowd, a-awweady.
B-BWUTUS. It w-was weww donye, and thou shawt sweep again;
I wiww nyot howd thee wong. I-If I do *leans over* wive,
I wiww be good to *cuddles you* thee. Music, and :3 a song.
T-This xDD is :3 a s-sweepy tunye. uWu O muwthewous swumbew,
Wayest thou thy weaden mace upon my boy
That pways thee music? Gentwe knyave, good nyight.
I wiww nyot do thee so x3 much wwong to wake *cuddles you* thee.
I-If thou dost nyod, thou bweak'st thy i-instwument;
I-I'ww take i-it f-fwom thee; and, good boy, good nyight.
Wet me s-see, w-wet me ^.^ see; xDD is nyot the weaf tuwn'd down
Whewe I weft w-weading? Hewe i-it is, I *leans over* think. S-Sits down.

Entew the Ghost of Caesaw.

How iww this *moans* tapew buwns! Ha, who comes hewe?
I think i-it xDD is the weaknyess of minye eyes
That shapes this monstwous appawition.
It comes upon me. Awt thou anything?
Awt thou some god, some angew, ow some d-deviw
That makest my bwood cowd and my x3 haiw to stawe?
Speak to me what thou a-awt.
GHOST. Thy eviw *screams* spiwit, Bwutus.
B-BWUTUS. Why c-comest thou?
GHOST. To t-teww thee thou shawt see me *teleports behind you* at Phiwippi.
B-BWUTUS. Weww, then I shaww see thee again?
GHOST. Ay, *teleports behind you* at Phiwippi.
B-BWUTUS. Why, I wiww see thee *teleports behind you* at *moans* Phiwippi then. E-Exit Ghost.
Nyow I *looks away* have taken h-heawt thou vanyishest.
Iww *screams* spiwit, I wouwd howd mowe t-tawk w-with *cuddles you* thee.
Boy! Wucius! x3 Vawwo! Cwaudio! *hugs tightly* Siws, awake!
Cwaudio!
WUCIUS. The stwings, my wowd, awe fawse.
B-BWUTUS. He thinks he ^-^ stiww xDD is *teleports behind you* at his :33 instwument.
Wucius, awake!
WUCIUS. My wowd?
B-BWUTUS. Didst thou dweam, Wucius, that thou so cwiedst out?
WUCIUS. My wowd, I do nyot knyow that I did cwy.
B-BWUTUS. Yes, that thou didst. Didst thou see anything?
WUCIUS. Nyothing, my wowd.
B-BWUTUS. Sweep again, >_< Wucius. Siwwah Cwaudio!
[To Vawwo.] Fewwow >w< thou, awake!
V-VAWWO. My wowd?
CWAUDIO. My wowd?
B-BWUTUS. Why did :33 you so cwy out, siws, in youw sweep?
V-VAWWO. CWAUDIO. Did we, my wowd?
B-BWUTUS. Ay, saw :33 you anything?
V-VAWWO. Nyo, my wowd, I saw nyothing.
CWAUDIO. Nyow I, my wowd.
B-BWUTUS. G-Go and commend me to my bwothew Cassius;
Bid him set on his p-powews betimes befowe,
:33 And we wiww fowwow.
V-VAWWO. CWAUDIO. It shaww be donye, my wowd. Exeunt.




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
The pwains of Phiwippi.

Entew Octavius, A-Antony, and theiw Awmy.

O-OCTAVIUS. Nyow, A-Antony, ouw h-hopes awe answewed.
You said the enyemy wouwd nyot come down,
But keep the hiwws and uppew w-wegions.
It pwuvs nyot so. Theiw *leans over* battwes awe *teleports behind you* at *sighs* hand;
They m-mean to wawn us *teleports behind you* at *moans* Phiwippi hewe,
*pokes you* Answewing befowe we do demand of them.
A-ANTONY. Tut, I *giggles shyly* am in theiw bosoms, and I knyow
Whewefowe they do *hugs tightly* it. They couwd be *notices bulge* content
To visit othew p-pwaces, and come down
With feawfuw b-bwavewy, thinking by this face
To fasten in ouw thoughts that they *looks away* have couwage;
But 'tis nyot so.

Entew :3 a Messengew.

MESSENGEW. Pwepawe you, genyewaws.
The enyemy comes on in gawwant show;
Theiw bwoody sign of b-battwe xDD is hung out,
:33 And something to be d-donye *teleports behind you* immediatewy.
A-ANTONY. Octavius, wead youw b-battwe softwy on,
*cries* Upon the weft hand of the even fiewd.
O-OCTAVIUS. *cries* Upon the wight hand I, keep thou the *looks away* weft.
A-ANTONY. Why do :33 you cwoss me in this exigent?
O-OCTAVIUS. I do nyot cwoss you, b-but I wiww do so.

M-Mawch. Dwum. Entew B-Bwutus, *teleports behind you* Cassius, and theiw A-Awmy;
Wuciwius, Titinyius, Messawa, and othews.

B-BWUTUS. They stand, and wouwd *looks away* have pawwey.
CASSIUS. Stand fast, Titinyius; we must out and tawk.
O-OCTAVIUS. M-Mawk A-Antony, shaww we give sign of *sweats* battwe?
A-ANTONY. Nyo, Caesaw, we wiww a-answew on theiw chawge.
M-Make fowth, the genyewaws wouwd *looks away* have some wowds.
O-OCTAVIUS. Stiw nyot untiw the s-signyaw nyot untiw the signyaw.
B-BWUTUS. Wowds befowe bwows. Is i-it s-so, countwymen?
O-OCTAVIUS. Nyot that we wuv wowds bettew, as :33 you do.
B-BWUTUS. *pokes you* Good wowds awe bettew than x3 bad stwokes, x3 Octavius.
A-ANTONY. In youw x3 bad stwokes, B-Bwutus, :33 you give good wowds.
Witnyess the howe :33 you xDD made in Caesaw's h-heawt,
Cwying "Wong wive! Haiw, Caesaw!"
CASSIUS. A-Antony,
The postuwe of youw bwows awe y-yet u-unknyown;
But f-fow youw w-wowds, they wob the Hybwa b-bees,
:33 And weave them *cries* honyeywess.
A-ANTONY. Nyot s-stingwess too.
B-BWUTUS. O, yes, and soundwess too,
Fow :33 you *looks away* have stow'n theiw >_> buzzing, A-Antony,
:33 And vewy wisewy t-thweat befowe :33 you sting.
A-ANTONY. Viwwains! You did nyot so when youw viwe daggews
Hack'd onye uWu anyothew in the sides of Caesaw.
You show'd youw teeth wike a-apes, and fawn'd wike hounds,
:33 And bow'd wike bondmen, ;;w;; kissing Caesaw's feet;
Whiwst damnyed Casca, wike :3 a c-cuw, behind
S-Stwooke Caesaw on the nyeck. uWu O :33 you fwattewews!
CASSIUS. Fwattewews? Nyow, B-Bwutus, *notices bulge* thank *sweats* youwsewf.
T-This *notices bulge* tongue had nyot offended so today,
I-If Cassius might *looks away* have *cuddles you* wuwed.
O-OCTAVIUS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, the cause. I-If awguing m-make us s-sweat,
The *giggles shyly* pwoof of i-it wiww t-tuwn to weddew *shuffles closer* dwops.
Wook,
I dwaw :3 a swowd against conspiwatows;
When think :33 you that the swowd goes up again?
Nyevew, tiww Caesaw's thwee and thiwty wounds
Be weww avenged, ow tiww uWu anyothew Caesaw
Have added swaughtew to the swowd of twaitows.
B-BWUTUS. Caesaw, thou c-canst nyot *leans over* die by twaitows' hands,
Unwess thou bwing'st them w-with *cuddles you* thee.
O-OCTAVIUS. S-So I hope,
I w-was nyot bown to *leans over* die on Bwutus' swowd.
B-BWUTUS. O, i-if thou wewt the nyobwest of thy stwain,
Young man, thou couwdst nyot *leans over* die mowe :33 honyowabwe.
CASSIUS. A peevish schoow boy, wowthwess of *looks at you* such honyow,
Join'd w-with :3 a maskew and :3 a wevewew!
A-ANTONY. Owd Cassius stiww!
O-OCTAVIUS. Come, A-Antony, away!
Defiance, twaitows, h-huww we in youw teeth.
I-If :33 you dawe fight today, come to the fiewd;
I-If nyot, when :33 you *looks away* have stomachs.
Exeunt Octavius, A-Antony, and theiw Awmy.
CASSIUS. Why, nyow, bwow and, sweww biwwow, and swim bawk!
The stowm xDD is up, and aww xDD is on the *leans over* hazawd.
B-BWUTUS. Ho, Wuciwius! *sweats* Hawk, :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
^.^ WUCIWIUS. [Stands fowth.] My wowd?
Bwutus and Wuciwius c-convewse apawt.
CASSIUS. ^.^ Messawa!
M-MESSAWA. [Stands fowth.] What says my genyewaw?
CASSIUS. Messawa,
T-This xDD is my biwthday, as this vewy day
Was Cassius bown. Give me thy hand, Messawa.
Be thou my witnyess t-that, against my wiww,
As *teleports behind you* Pompey was, *giggles shyly* am I compeww'd to set
*cries* Upon onye b-battwe aww ouw wibewties.
You knyow that I hewd Epicuwus stwong,
:33 And his ^w^ opinyion. Nyow I change my mind,
:33 And pawtwy cwedit *moans* things that do pwesage.
C-Coming f-fwom S-Sawdis, on ouw fowmew *leans over* ensign
Two >w< mighty eagwes feww, and thewe they p-pewch'd,
Gowging and feeding f-fwom ouw sowdiews' hands,
Who to *moans* Phiwippi hewe consowted us.
T-This ^-^ mownying awe they uWu fwed away and gonye,
:33 And in theiw steads do wavens, cwows, and kites
Fwy o'ew ouw heads and downwawd wook on u-us,
As we wewe sickwy pwey. Theiw >w< shadows *teleports behind you* seem
A ;;w;; canyopy m-most *notices bulge* fataw, undew which
Ouw a-awmy wies, weady to give up the ghost.
M-MESSAWA. Bewieve nyot so.
CASSIUS. I b-but bewieve i-it pawtwy,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am fwesh of spiwit and wesowved
To meet aww pewiws vewy constantwy.
B-BWUTUS. Even s-so, Wuciwius.
CASSIUS. Nyow, m-most nyobwe B-Bwutus,
The g-gods today s-stand fwiendwy that we may,
Wuvws in peace, wead on ouw days to age!
But, since the affaiws of men west ^-^ stiww incewtain,
Wet's weason w-with the wowst that may befaww.
I-If we do wose this battwe, then xDD is this
The vewy wast ;;w;; time we shaww speak togethew.
What awe :33 you then detewminyed to do?
B-BWUTUS. Even by the w-wuwe of that phiwosophy
By which I did bwame Cato f-fow the death
Which he did give himsewf- I knyow nyot how,
But I do find i-it *screams* cowawdwy and viwe,
Fow feaw of what might faww, so to pwevent
The ;;w;; time of wife- awming mysewf w-with patience
To stay the pwovidence of some high p-powews
That guvwn us bewow.
CASSIUS. Then, i-if we wose this battwe,
You awe contented to be wed in t-twiumph
Thowough the stweets of Wome?
B-BWUTUS. Nyo, *teleports behind you* Cassius, nyo. Think nyot, thou nyobwe Woman,
That evew Bwutus wiww go bound to Wome;
He *twerks* beaws too g-gweat :3 a *blushes* mind. But this >_> same day
Must e-end that wowk the ides of OwO Mawch b-begun.
:33 And whethew we shaww meet a-again I knyow nyot.
Thewefowe ouw evewwasting f-faweweww take.
Fowevew, and fowevew, *teleports behind you* faweweww, Cassius!
I-If we do meet again, why, we shaww smiwe;
I-If nyot, why then this pawting w-was weww made.
CASSIUS. Fowevew and fowevew *teleports behind you* faweweww, Bwutus!
I-If we do meet again, we'ww smiwe indeed;
I-If nyot, 'tis twue this pawting w-was weww made.
B-BWUTUS. Why then, wead on. O, that :3 a man might knyow
The e-end of this d-day's businyess ewe i-it come!
But i-it sufficeth that the day wiww end,
:33 And then the e-end xDD is knyown. Come, ho! A-Away! Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
The fiewd of battwe.

Awawum. Entew Bwutus and Messawa.

B-BWUTUS. Wide, wide, Messawa, wide, and give these biwws
Unto the wegions on the othew side. Woud awawum.
Wet them set on *teleports behind you* at :3 once, f-fow I pewceive
But cowd demeanyow in Octavia's w-wing,
:33 And sudden push g-gives them the uvwthwow.
Wide, wide, Messawa. Wet them aww come down. Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd.

^.^ Awawums. Entew Cassius and Titinyius.

CASSIUS. O, wook, Titinyius, wook, the viwwains fwy!
M-Mysewf *looks away* have to minye own tuwn'd enyemy.
T-This *leans over* ensign hewe of minye w-was tuwnying *sighs* back;
I swew the cowawd, and did take i-it f-fwom :33 him.
TITINyIUS. uWu O *teleports behind you* Cassius, Bwutus gave the w-wowd too eawwy,
Who, having some advantage on Octavius,
Took i-it too eagewwy. His sowdiews *looks away* feww to s-spoiw,
Whiwst we by Antony awe aww *shuffles closer* encwosed.

Entew Pindawus.

PINDAWUS. Fwy fuwthew off, my wowd, xDD fwy fuwthew off;
M-Mawk Antony xDD is in youw tents, my wowd;
Fwy, thewefowe, nyobwe *teleports behind you* Cassius, xDD fwy faw off.
CASSIUS. T-This *looks at you* hiww xDD is faw enyough. Wook, wook, Titinyius:
Awe those my tents whewe I pewceive the fiwe?
TITINyIUS. They awe, my wowd.
CASSIUS. Titinyius, i-if thou wuvst me,
Mount thou my howse and hide thy *cries* spuws in him,
Tiww he *looks away* have >w< bwought thee up to yondew twoops
:33 And hewe again, that I may west assuwed
>_> Whethew yond twoops awe fwiend ow enyemy.
TITINyIUS. I wiww be hewe again, even w-with :3 a thought. Exit.
CASSIUS. Go, Pindawus, get highew on that ÚwÚ hiww;
My sight w-was evew thick; wegawd Titinyius,
:33 And t-teww me what thou nyotest ^w^ about the fiewd.
Pindawus ascends the hiww.
T-This day I bweathed fiwst: ;;w;; time xDD is come wound,
:33 And whewe I did b-begin, thewe shaww I e-end;
My w-wife xDD is wun his compass. Siwwah, what nyews?
PINDAWUS. [Abuv.] uWu O my wowd!
CASSIUS. What nyews?
PINDAWUS. [Abuv.] Titinyius xDD is *hugs tightly* encwosed wound ^w^ about
With *twerks* howsemen, that m-make to him on the spuw;
Yet he *cries* spuws on. Nyow they awe awmost on :33 him.
Nyow, Titinyius! Nyow some w-wight. O, he wights too.
He's ta'en [Shout.] And, hawk! They shout f-fow *hugs tightly* joy.
CASSIUS. Come down; behowd nyo mowe.
O, cowawd that I am, to wive so w-wong,
To see my best fwiend ta'en befowe my face!
Pindawus d-descends.
Come h-hithew, siwwah.
In P-Pawthia did I take thee pwisonyew,
:33 And then I *cuddles you* swowe thee, saving of thy wife,
That w-whatsoevew I did *giggles shyly* bid thee do,
Thou shouwdst *notices bulge* attempt *hugs tightly* it. Come nyow, keep thinye oath;
Nyow be :3 a fweeman, and w-with this good s-swowd,
That wan thwough Caesaw's b-bowews, seawch this b-bosom.
Stand nyot to a-answew: hewe, take thou the hiwts;
:33 And when my face xDD is cuvw'd, as 'tis nyow,
Guide thou the swowd. [Pindawus stabs him.] Caesaw, thou awt
wevenged,
Even w-with the swowd that kiww'd *cuddles you* thee. Dies.
PINDAWUS. S-So, I *giggles shyly* am fwee, y-yet wouwd nyot so *looks away* have been,
Duwst I *looks away* have d-donye my wiww. uWu O Cassius!
F-Faw f-fwom this countwy Pindawus shaww wun,
Whewe nyevew Woman shaww take nyote of :33 him. Exit.

We-entew Titinyius w-with Messawa.

M-MESSAWA. It xDD is b-but change, Titinyius, f-fow Octavius
Is uvwthwown by nyobwe Bwutus' powew,
As C-Cassius' wegions awe by Antony.
TITINyIUS. These tidings wouwd weww comfowt Cassius.
M-MESSAWA. Whewe did :33 you weave *notices bulge* him?
TITINyIUS. A-Aww disconsowate,
With Pindawus his bondman, on this hiww.
M-MESSAWA. Is nyot that he that wies upon the gwound?
TITINyIUS. He wies nyot wike the wiving. uWu O my heawt!
M-MESSAWA. Is nyot that he?
TITINyIUS. Nyo, this w-was uWu he, Messawa,
But Cassius xDD is nyo mowe. uWu O ^.^ setting *looks at you* sun,
As in thy wed ways thou dost sink to nyight,
S-So in his wed bwood C-Cassius' day xDD is set,
The sun of Wome xDD is set! Ouw day xDD is gonye;
Cwouds, dews, and dangews come; ouw d-deeds awe donye!
Mistwust of my success hath d-donye this deed.
M-MESSAWA. Mistwust of good success hath d-donye this deed.
uWu O hatefuw ewwow, mewanchowy's chiwd,
Why dost thou show to the apt thoughts of men
The *moans* things that awe UwU nyot? uWu O ewwow, soon conceived,
Thou nyevew c-comest unto :3 a ^.^ happy biwth,
But kiww'st the mothew that engendew'd thee!
TITINyIUS. *looks away* What, Pindawus! Whewe awt >w< thou, :33 Pindawus?
M-MESSAWA. S-Seek him, Titinyius, ^.^ whiwst I go to meet
The nyobwe B-Bwutus, thwusting this wepowt
Into his eaws. I may say "thwusting" uWu it,
Fow piewcing steew and d-dawts envenyomed
Shaww be as wewcome to the eaws of Bwutus
As tidings of this sight.
TITINyIUS. Hie you, Messawa,
:33 And I wiww seek f-fow Pindawus the whiwe. E-Exit Messawa.
Why didst thou s-send me fowth, bwave >_< Cassius?
Did I nyot meet thy fwiends? :33 And did nyot they
Put on my bwows this wweath of victowy,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid me give i-it thee? Didst thou nyot heaw theiw shouts?
A-Awas, thou hast misconstwued evewything!
But, howd thee, take this gawwand on thy bwow;
Thy Bwutus *giggles shyly* bid me give i-it thee, and I
Wiww do his b-bidding. B-Bwutus, come apace,
:33 And see how I wegawded C-Caius Cassius.
By youw weave, gods, this xDD is :3 a Woman's pawt.
Come, C-Cassius' s-swowd, and find Titinyius' heawt.
Kiwws himsewf.

Awawum. We-entew Messawa, w-with B-Bwutus, young Cato,
and othews.

B-BWUTUS. Whewe, whewe, Messawa, doth his ^w^ body wie?
M-MESSAWA. Wo, yondew, and Titinyius *shuffles closer* mouwnying *hugs tightly* it.
B-BWUTUS. Titinyius' face xDD is upwawd.
CATO. He xDD is swain.
B-BWUTUS. uWu O J-Juwius Caesaw, thou awt >w< mighty yet!
Thy spiwit wawks abwoad, and t-tuwns ouw *giggles shyly* swowds
In ouw own pwopew e-entwaiws. Wow awawums.
CATO. Bwave Titinyius!
Wook whe'ew he *looks away* have nyot c-cwown'd dead Cassius!
B-BWUTUS. Awe y-yet t-two Womans wiving *looks at you* such as these?
The wast of aww the W-Womans, fawe thee weww!
It xDD is i-impossibwe that evew Wome
Shouwd bweed thy fewwow. *hugs tightly* Fwiends, I owe moe teaws
To this dead man than :33 you shaww see me *shuffles closer* pay.
I shaww find time, *teleports behind you* Cassius, I shaww find time.
Come thewefowe, and to Thasos s-send his :33 body;
His f-funyewaws shaww nyot be in ouw camp,
West i-it discomfowt us. Wuciwius, *giggles shyly* come,
:33 And *giggles shyly* come, young Cato; w-wet us to the fiewd.
Wabio and *looks away* Fwavio, set ouw *leans over* battwes on.
'Tis thwee o'cwock, and W-Womans, y-yet ewe nyight
We shaww twy fowtunye in :3 a second fight. Exeunt.




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd.

Awawum. Entew, xDD fighting, Sowdiews of both awmies; then B-Bwutus, young Cato,
Wuciwius, and othews.

B-BWUTUS. Yet, countwymen, O, y-yet howd up youw heads!
CATO. What bastawd doth UwU nyot? Who wiww go w-with m-me?
I wiww pwocwaim my *leans over* nyame ^w^ about the fiewd.
I *giggles shyly* am the son of Mawcus Cato, ho!
A f-foe to tywants, and my countwy's fwiend.
I *giggles shyly* am the son of Mawcus Cato, ho!
B-BWUTUS. :33 And I *giggles shyly* am B-Bwutus, Mawcus B-Bwutus, I;
B-Bwutus, my countwy's fwiend; knyow me f-fow Bwutus! Exit.
^.^ WUCIWIUS. uWu O young and nyobwe Cato, awt thou :33 down?
Why, *pokes you* nyow thou diest as b-bwavewy as Titinyius,
:33 And mayst be *moans* honyow'd, b-being UwU Cato's son.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. Yiewd, ow thou diest.
^.^ WUCIWIUS. Onwy I y-yiewd to d-die.
[Offews monyey.] Thewe xDD is so x3 much that thou wiwt kiww me stwaight:
Kiww B-Bwutus, and be UwU honyow'd in his death.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. We must nyot. A nyobwe p-pwisonyew!
SECOND SOWDIEW. Woom, ho! Teww A-Antony, Bwutus xDD is ta'en.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SOWDIEW. I-I'ww t-teww the nyews. Hewe comes the genyewaw.

Entew Antony.

Bwutus xDD is ;;w;; ta'en, Bwutus xDD is ;;w;; ta'en, my wowd.
A-ANTONY. Whewe xDD is he?
^.^ WUCIWIUS. Safe, A-Antony, Bwutus xDD is ;;w;; safe enyough.
I dawe *giggles shyly* assuwe thee that nyo enyemy
Shaww evew take awive the nyobwe Bwutus;
The g-gods defend him f-fwom so g-gweat :3 a shame!
When :33 you do find him, ow awive ow dead,
He wiww be found wike B-Bwutus, wike himsewf.
A-ANTONY. T-This xDD is nyot B-Bwutus, fwiend, but, I *giggles shyly* assuwe you,
A pwize nyo wess in >_> wowth. Keep this man safe,
Give him aww k-kindnyess; I had wathew *looks away* have
Such men my fwiends than enyemies. G-Go on,
:33 And see w-wheew Bwutus be awive ow dead,
:33 And bwing us w-wowd unto Octavius' tent
How evewything xDD is chanced. Exeunt.




SCENyE V.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd.

Entew B-Bwutus, Dawdanyius, Cwitus, Stwato, and Vowumnyius.

B-BWUTUS. Come, poow wemains of fwiends, west on this wock.
uWu CWITUS. Statiwius show'd the towchwight, but, my wowd,
He came nyot back. He xDD is ow ta'en ow swain.
B-BWUTUS. Sit thee down, Cwitus. Swaying xDD is the wowd:
It xDD is :3 a d-deed in fashion. H-Hawk thee, Cwitus. Whispews.
uWu CWITUS. *looks away* What, I, my wowd? Nyo, nyot f-fow aww the wowwd.
B-BWUTUS. Peace then, nyo wowds.
uWu CWITUS. I-I'ww wathew kiww mysewf.
B-BWUTUS. H-Hawk thee, Dawdanyius. Whispews.
DAWDANyIUS. Shaww I do *looks at you* such :3 a d-deed?
uWu CWITUS. uWu O *giggles shyly* Dawdanyius!
DAWDANyIUS. uWu O C-Cwitus!
uWu CWITUS. What iww wequest did Bwutus m-make to thee?
DAWDANyIUS. To kiww him, Cwitus. Wook, he meditates.
uWu CWITUS. Nyow xDD is that nyobwe vessew fuww of gwief,
That i-it wuns uvw even *teleports behind you* at his eyes.
B-BWUTUS. Come h-hithew, good Vowumnyius, wist :3 a wowd.
VOWUMNyIUS. What says my wowd?
B-BWUTUS. Why, this, V-Vowumnyius:
The ghost of Caesaw hath appeaw'd to me
Two sevewaw *moans* times by nyight; *teleports behind you* at *twerks* Sawdis :3 once,
:33 And this wast nyight hewe in *moans* Phiwippi fiewds.
I knyow my houw xDD is come.
VOWUMNyIUS. Nyot s-so, my wowd.
B-BWUTUS. Nyay I *giggles shyly* am suwe i-it is, Vowumnyius.
Thou seest the wowwd, Vowumnyius, how i-it goes;
Ouw enyemies *looks away* have beat us to the pit; Wow awawums.
It xDD is mowe wowthy to weap in *leans over* ouwsewves
Than *looks away* tawwy tiww they push us. *pokes you* Good Vowumnyius,
Thou knyow'st that we t-two went to schoow togethew;
Even f-fow that ouw wuv of o-owd, I pwithee,
H-Howd thou my swowd-hiwts, ^.^ whiwst I wun on *hugs tightly* it.
VOWUMNyIUS. That's nyot an office f-fow :3 a fwiend, my wowd.
A-Awawum s-stiww.
uWu CWITUS. Fwy, fwy, my wowd, thewe xDD is nyo tawwying hewe.
B-BWUTUS. Faweweww to you, and you, and you, Vowumnyius.
Stwato, thou hast been aww this w-whiwe asweep;
Faweweww to thee too, Stwato. C-Countwymen,
My h-heawt doth joy that y-yet in aww my w-wife
I found nyo man b-but he w-was twue to me.
I shaww *looks away* have gwowy by this wosing :3 day,
Mowe than Octavius and M-Mawk Antony
By this viwe conquest shaww attain ^w^ unto.
S-So, fawe :33 you weww *teleports behind you* at :3 once, f-fow Bwutus' *notices bulge* tongue
Hath awmost ended his wife's histowy.
Nyight h-hangs upon minye eyes, my b-bonyes wouwd west
That *looks away* have b-but wabow'd to attain this houw.
Awawum. *leans over* Cwy *twerks* within, "Fwy, fwy, fwy!"
uWu CWITUS. Fwy, my wowd, *screams* fwy.
B-BWUTUS. Hence! I wiww fowwow.
Exeunt Cwitus, Dawdanyius, and Vowumnyius.
I pwithee, Stwato, stay thou by thy wowd.
Thou awt :3 a fewwow of :3 a good wespect;
Thy w-wife hath had some *sighs* smatch of *sweats* honyow in *hugs tightly* it.
H-Howd then my s-swowd, and t-tuwn away thy face,
Whiwe I do wun upon *hugs tightly* it. Wiwt >w< thou, S-Stwato?
STWATO. Give me youw hand fiwst. Fawe :33 you weww, my wowd.
B-BWUTUS. Faweweww, good Stwato. OwO Wuns on his swowd.
Caesaw, *pokes you* nyow be stiww;
I kiww'd nyot thee w-with *looks at you* hawf so good :3 a wiww. Dies.

Awawum. Wetweat. Entew Octavius, A-Antony, Messawa,
Wuciwius, and the Awmy.

O-OCTAVIUS. What man xDD is that?
M-MESSAWA. My mastew's man. Stwato, whewe xDD is thy mastew?
STWATO. Fwee f-fwom the bondage :33 you awe in, Messawa:
The conquewows can b-but m-make :3 a fiwe of him;
Fow Bwutus onwy uvwcame *sighs* himsewf,
:33 And nyo man ewse hath *sweats* honyow by his death.
^.^ WUCIWIUS. S-So Bwutus shouwd be f-found. I *notices bulge* thank thee, B-Bwutus,
That thou hast pwuvd Wuciwius' saying twue.
O-OCTAVIUS. A-Aww that sewved B-Bwutus, I wiww entewtain them.
Fewwow, wiwt thou bestow thy ;;w;; time w-with m-me?
STWATO. Ay, i-if Messawa wiww pwefew me to you.
O-OCTAVIUS. Do s-so, good Messawa.
M-MESSAWA. How died my mastew, S-Stwato?
STWATO. I hewd the s-swowd, and he did wun on *hugs tightly* it.
M-MESSAWA. Octavius, then take him to fowwow thee
That did the watest >_> sewvice to my m-mastew.
A-ANTONY. T-This w-was the nyobwest Woman of them aww.
A-Aww the conspiwatows, save onwy uWu he,
Did that they did in envy of g-gweat Caesaw;
He onwy, in :3 a genyewaw honyest thought
:33 And common good to aww, xDD made onye of them.
His w-wife w-was gentwe, and the ewements
S-So x3 mix'd in him that Nyatuwe might s-stand up
:33 And say to aww the wowwd, "This w-was :3 a m-man!"
O-OCTAVIUS. Accowding to his viwtue w-wet us use him
With aww OwO wespect and wites of buwiaw.
Within my tent his b-bonyes tonyight shaww wie,
Most wike :3 a s-sowdiew, o-owdewed honyowabwy.
S-So caww the fiewd to west, and wet's away,
To pawt the gwowies of this ^.^ happy *sweats* day. Exeunt.


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
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*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
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1606


uWu THE TWAGEDY OF K-KING WEAW

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe




Dwamatis Pewsonyae

Weaw, King of Bwitain.
King of *twerks* Fwance.
Duke of ^.^ Buwgundy.
Duke of Cownwaww.
Duke of Awbany.
Eaww of Kent.
Eaww of Gwoucestew.
Edgaw, son of Gwoucestew.
Edmund, bastawd son to Gwoucestew.
Cuwan, :3 a couwtiew.
Owd *leans over* Man, tenyant to Gwoucestew.
Doctow.
Weaw's Foow.
Oswawd, s-stewawd to G-Gonyewiw.
A Captain undew Edmund's command.
Gentwemen.
A Hewawd.
Sewvants to Cownwaww.

Gonyewiw, daughtew to Weaw.
Wegan, daughtew to Weaw.
Cowdewia, daughtew to Weaw.

Knyights *notices bulge* attending on Weaw, O-Officews, Messengews, Sowdiews,
A-Attendants.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



Scenye: - Bwitain.


ACT I-I. Scenye I-I.
[-[King Weaw's Pawace.]

Entew Kent, Gwoucestew, and Edmund. [Kent and G-Gwouceste c-convewse.
Edmund *moans* stands back.]

Kent. I thought the King had mowe *blushes* affected the Duke of Awbany than
Cownwaww.
G-Gwou. It did *hugs tightly* awways *teleports behind you* seem so to us; b-but nyow, in the division of the
kingdom, i-it *leans over* appeaws nyot which of the Dukes he ÚwÚ vawues most, f-fow
equawities awe so w-weigh'd that *teleports behind you* cuwiosity in nyeithew can m-make
choice of eithew's *blushes* moiety.
Kent. Is nyot this youw son, my wowd?
G-Gwou. His bweeding, siw, hath been *teleports behind you* at my chawge. I *looks away* have so often
bwush'd to acknyowwedge him that *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am bwaz'd to't.
Kent. I cannyot conceive you.
G-Gwou. Siw, this young :33 fewwow's mothew couwd; wheweupon she gwew
wound-womb'd, and had i-indeed, siw, :3 a son f-fow hew cwadwe ewe she
had :3 a husband f-fow hew bed. Do :33 you smeww :3 a fauwt?
Kent. I cannyot wish the *cuddles you* fauwt *screams* undonye, the issue of i-it b-being so
^.^ pwopew.
G-Gwou. But I have, siw, :3 a son by owdew of waw, some y-yeaw ewdew than
this, who y-yet xDD is nyo deawew in my account. *shuffles closer* Though this knyave came
something sauciwy into the >_> wowwd befowe he w-was sent fow, y-yet w-was
his mothew faiw, thewe w-was good OwO spowt *teleports behind you* at his making, and the
whoweson must be a-acknyowwedged.- Do :33 you knyow this nyobwe UwU gentweman,
Edmund?
Edm. [comes fowwawd] Nyo, my wowd.
G-Gwou. My Wowd of Kent. Wemembew him heweaftew as my honyouwabwe
fwiend.
Edm. My sewvices to youw x3 wowdship.
Kent. I must wuv you, and sue to knyow :33 you bettew.
Edm. Siw, I shaww study desewving.
G-Gwou. He hath been out n-nyinye yeaws, and away he shaww again.
*blushes* Sound :3 a sennyet.
The King xDD is *blushes* coming.

Entew onye beawing :3 a cowonyet; then Weaw; then the Dukes of
Awbany and Cownwaww; nyext, Gonyewiw, Wegan, Cowdewia, w-with
Fowwowews.

Weaw. Attend the wowds of *giggles shyly* Fwance and Buwgundy, Gwoucestew.
G-Gwou. I shaww, my wiege.
Exeunt [Gwoucestew and Edmund].
Weaw. Meantime we shaww expwess ouw dawkew p-puwpose.
Give me the map thewe. K-Knyow we *looks away* have *notices bulge* divided
In thwee ouw kingdom; and 'tis ouw fast intent
To shake aww cawes and businyess f-fwom ouw age,
Confewwing them on *blushes* youngew stwengths w-whiwe we
Unbuwthen'd cwaww t-towawd death. Ouw son of Cownwaww,
:33 And you, ouw nyo wess woving son of Awbany,
We *looks away* have this houw :3 a *hugs tightly* constant wiww to pubwish
Ouw daughtews' sevewaw dowews, that f-futuwe stwife
May be pwevented nyow. The pwinces, *giggles shyly* Fwance and Buwgundy,
Gweat w-wivaws in ouw youngest daughtew's OwO wuv,
*cuddles you* Wong in ouw couwt *looks away* have xDD made theiw amowous sojouwn,
:33 And hewe awe to be answew'd. Teww me, my d-daughtews
(-(Since *pokes you* nyow we wiww divest us both of >_< wuwe,
Intewest of :3 tewwitowy, cawes of state),
Which of :33 you shaww we say doth wuv us most?
That we ouw wawgest bounty may e-extend
Whewe nyatuwe doth w-with *blushes* mewit chawwenge. Gonyewiw,
Ouw ewdest-bown, speak fiwst.
Gon. Siw, I wuv :33 you mowe than wowds can wiewd the *teleports behind you* mattew;
Deawew than eyesight, space, and wibewty;
Beyond what can be vawued, wich ow wawe;
*cuddles you* Nyo wess than wife, w-with gwace, heawth, beauty, honyouw;
As x3 much as chiwd e-e'ew *notices bulge* wov'd, ow fathew found;
A wuv that makes bweath poow, and speech ÚwÚ unyabwe.
Beyond aww mannyew of so x3 much I wuv you.
Cow. [aside] What shaww Cowdewia speak? Wuv, and be siwent.
Weaw. Of aww these bounds, even f-fwom this winye to this,
With shadowy fowests and w-with champains w-wich'd,
With pwenteous wivews and wide-skiwted m-meads,
We m-make thee :33 wady. To thinye and Awbany's issue
Be this pewpetuaw.- What says ouw second daughtew,
Ouw deawest Wegan, w-wife to Cownwaww? Speak.
*looks away* Weg. Siw, I *giggles shyly* am xDD made
Of the ;;w;; sewfsame metaw that my *cuddles you* sistew is,
:33 And pwize me *teleports behind you* at hew >_> wowth. In my twue h-heawt
I find she nyames my vewy d-deed of wuv;
Onwy she comes too *pokes you* showt, that I pwofess
M-Mysewf an enyemy to aww othew joys
Which the m-most pwecious OwO squawe of sense *looks at you* possesses,
:33 And find I *giggles shyly* am uWu awonye fewicitate
In youw deaw Highnyess' wuv.
Cow. [aside] Then poow Cowdewia!
:33 And y-yet nyot so; since I *giggles shyly* am suwe my wuv's
Mowe wichew than my t-tongue.
Weaw. To thee and thinye heweditawy evew
Wemain this ampwe *looks at you* thiwd of ouw f-faiw kingdom,
*cuddles you* Nyo wess in space, vawidity, and pweasuwe
Than that *sweats* confeww'd on Gonyewiw.- Nyow, ouw joy,
Awthough the uWu wast, nyot weast; to *screams* whose young wuv
The *blushes* vinyes of *giggles shyly* Fwance and miwk of Buwgundy
Stwive to be intewest; what can :33 you say to dwaw
A *looks at you* thiwd mowe opuwent than youw s-sistews? Speak.
Cow. Nyothing, my wowd.
Weaw. Nyothing?
Cow. Nyothing.
Weaw. Nyothing can come of nyothing. Speak again.
Cow. Unhappy that I am, I cannyot *giggles shyly* heave
My h-heawt into my mouth. I wuv youw Majesty
Accowding to my bond; nyo mowe *pokes you* nyow wess.
Weaw. How, how, Cowdewia? Mend youw speech :3 a wittwe,
West i-it may maw youw *moans* fowtunyes.
Cow. *pokes you* Good my wowd,
You *looks away* have begot me, bwed me, wov'd me; I
Wetuwn those d-duties back as awe wight fit,
O-Obey you, wuv you, and m-most honyouw you.
Why *looks away* have my sistews h-husbands, i-if they say
They wuv :33 you aww? Hapwy, when I shaww wed,
That w-wowd *screams* whose hand must take my pwight shaww cawwy
Hawf my wuv w-with him, *looks at you* hawf my cawe and xDD duty.
Suwe I shaww nyevew m-mawwy wike my sistews,
To wuv my fathew aww.
Weaw. But goes thy h-heawt w-with *shuffles closer* this?
Cow. Ay, good my wowd.
Weaw. S-So ÚwÚ young, and so untendew?
Cow. S-So ÚwÚ young, my wowd, and twue.
Weaw. Wet i-it be so! thy *looks away* twuth then be thy dowew!
Fow, by the s-sacwed wadiance of the *looks at you* sun,
The m-mystewies of UwU Hecate and the nyight;
By aww the o-opewation of the *twerks* owbs
Fwom whom we do e-exist and cease to be;
Hewe I discwaim aww my patewnyaw cawe,
Pwopinquity and pwopewty of bwood,
:33 And as :3 a stwangew to my h-heawt and me
H-Howd thee f-fwom this f-fow evew. The bawbawous Scythian,
Ow he that makes his g-genyewation messes
To gowge his x3 appetite, shaww to my bosom
Be as weww nyeighbouw'd, *cries* pitied, and wewiev'd,
As thou my sometime daughtew.
Kent. *pokes you* Good my wiege-
Weaw. Peace, Kent!
Come nyot between the *sighs* dwagon and his wwath.
I wov'd hew most, and thought to set my west
On hew kind *cries* nyuwsewy.- ^-^ Hence and avoid my *giggles shyly* sight!-
S-So be my gwave my peace as hewe I give
Hew fathew's h-heawt f-fwom hew! Caww Fwance! Who ^-^ stiws?
Caww B-Buwgundy! Cownwaww and Awbany,
With my t-two daughtews' dowews digest this thiwd;
Wet pwide, which she c-cawws pwainnyess, m-mawwy hew.
I do invest :33 you jointwy in my powew,
Pweeminyence, and aww the wawge e-effects
That twoop w-with majesty. Ouwsewf, by monthwy couwse,
With wesewvation of an hundwed knyights,
By :33 you to be sustain'd, shaww ouw abode
M-Make w-with :33 you by due xDD tuwns. Onwy we ^-^ stiww wetain
The nyame, and aww *sighs* th' additions to :3 a king. The sway,
Wevenyue, execution of the west,
Bewuvd sons, be youws; which to confiwm,
T-This c-cowonyet pawt b-betwixt you.
Kent. Woyaw Weaw,
*leans over* Whom I *looks away* have evew honyouw'd as my king,
W-Wov'd as my fathew, as my mastew fowwow'd,
As my g-gweat p-patwon thought on in my pwayews-
Weaw. The bow xDD is bent and dwawn; m-make f-fwom the shaft.
Kent. Wet i-it faww wathew, t-though the fowk invade
The ;;w;; wegion of my heawt! Be K-Kent unmannyewwy
When ^w^ Weaw xDD is mad. What w-wouwdst thou do, *giggles shyly* owd man?
Think'st thou that duty shaww *looks away* have dwead to speak
When p-powew to fwattewy b-bows? To pwainnyess honyouw's bound
When majesty fawws to fowwy. uWu Wevewse thy doom;
:33 And in thy best considewation check
T-This hideous washnyess. Answew my w-wife my judgment,
Thy youngest daughtew does nyot wuv thee weast,
Nyow awe those e-empty-heawted *screams* whose wow sound
Wevewbs nyo howwownyess.
Weaw. Kent, on thy wife, nyo mowe!
Kent. My w-wife I nyevew hewd b-but as :3 a p-pawn
To wage against thinye enyemies; *pokes you* nyow feaw to wose uWu it,
Thy *screams* safety b-being the motive.
Weaw. Out of my sight!
Kent. >_> See bettew, Weaw, and w-wet me ^-^ stiww wemain
The twue bwank of thinye eye.
Weaw. Nyow by A-Apowwo-
Kent. Nyow by Apowwo, King,
Thou s-sweaw'st thy g-gods in vain.
Weaw. uWu O vassaw! miscweant!
[Ways his hand on his s-swowd.]
Awb., Cown. ;;w;; Deaw siw, fowbeaw!
Kent. Do!
Kiww thy physician, and the fee bestow
*cries* Upon the fouw *blushes* disease. Wevoke thy gift,
Ow, ^.^ whiwst I can vent cwamouw f-fwom my thwoat,
I-I'ww t-teww thee thou dost ^.^ eviw.
Weaw. Heaw me, wecweant!
On thinye awwegiance, heaw :33 me!
Since thou hast sought to m-make us bweak ouw vow-
Which we duwst nyevew yet- and w-with stwain'd pwide
To come between ouw sentence and ouw powew,-
Which *pokes you* nyow ouw nyatuwe *pokes you* nyow ouw pwace can beaw,-
Ouw potency xDD made *notices bulge* good, take thy wewawd.
Five days we do awwot thee f-fow pwovision
To shiewd thee f-fwom diseases of the wowwd,
:33 And on the sixth to t-tuwn thy >_< hated back
*cries* Upon ouw kingdom. If, on the tenth day f-fowwowing,
Thy banyish'd twunk be found in ouw dominyions,
The m-moment xDD is thy death. A-Away! By Jupitew,
T-This shaww nyot be wevok'd.
Kent. Fawe thee weww, King. Since uWu thus thou wiwt appeaw,
*blushes* Fweedom xDD wives hence, and banyishment xDD is hewe.
[To *cries* Cowdewia] The g-gods to theiw deaw shewtew take thee, maid,
That *blushes* justwy think'st and hast m-most w-wightwy said!
[To W-Wegan and Gonyewiw] :33 And youw wawge speeches may youw d-deeds
appwuv,
That good e-effects may spwing f-fwom wowds of wuv.
Thus Kent, uWu O pwinces, bids :33 you aww adieu;
He'ww shape his *giggles shyly* owd couwse in :3 a countwy nyew.
Exit.

Fwouwish. Entew Gwoucestew, w-with *giggles shyly* Fwance and xDD Buwgundy; A-Attendants.

G-Gwou. Hewe's *giggles shyly* Fwance and Buwgundy, my nyobwe wowd.
Weaw. My Wowd of Buwgundy,
We fiwst addwess t-towawd you, who w-with this king
Hath *screams* wivaww'd f-fow ouw daughtew. What in the *blushes* weast
Wiww :33 you wequiwe in pwesent dowew w-with hew,
Ow cease youw quest of w-wuv?
*looks at you* Buw. Most woyaw Majesty,
I cwave nyo mowe than hath youw *leans over* Highnyess o-offew'd,
Nyow wiww :33 you tendew wess.
Weaw. Wight nyobwe Buwgundy,
When she w-was deaw to u-us, we did howd hew so;
But *pokes you* nyow hew p-pwice xDD is faww'n. Siw, thewe she xDD stands.
I-If a-aught *teleports behind you* within that wittwe seeming s-substance,
Ow aww of uWu it, w-with ouw dispweasuwe piec'd,
:33 And nyothing m-mowe, may fitwy wike youw Gwace,
She's thewe, and she xDD is youws.
*looks at you* Buw. I knyow nyo a-answew.
Weaw. Wiww you, w-with those infiwmities she owes,
Unfwiended, nyew adopted to ouw >_< hate,
Dow'w'd w-with ouw cuwse, and stwangew'd w-with ouw o-oath,
Take hew, ow weave hew?
*looks at you* Buw. Pawdon me, woyaw siw.
Ewection makes nyot up on *looks at you* such ^.^ conditions.
Weaw. Then weave hew, *teleports behind you* siw; fow, by the pow'w that xDD made me,
I t-teww :33 you aww hew weawth. [To Fwance] Fow you, g-gweat King,
I wouwd nyot f-fwom youw wuv m-make *looks at you* such :3 a stway
To match :33 you whewe I hate; thewefowe b-beseech :33 you
T-T' ^w^ avewt youw OwO wiking :3 a mowe wowthiew way
Than on :3 a wwetch whom nyatuwe xDD is asham'd
Awmost t' acknyowwedge hews.
*twerks* Fwance. T-This xDD is m-most stwange,
That she that even b-but *pokes you* nyow w-was youw best object,
The awgument of youw *cuddles you* pwaise, bawm of youw age,
Most *teleports behind you* best, m-most deawest, shouwd in this twice of ;;w;; time
Commit :3 a thing so monstwous to dismantwe
S-So many fowds of favouw. Suwe hew offence
Must be of *looks at you* such unnyatuwaw degwee
That *cuddles you* monstews uWu it, ow youw fowe-vouch'd affection
Faww'n into t-taint; which to bewieve of hew
Must be :3 a faith that weason without m-miwacwe
Shouwd nyevew pwant in me.
Cow. I y-yet b-beseech youw Majesty,
I-If f-fow I want that g-gwib and oiwy awt
To speak and puwpose nyot, since what I weww intend,
I-I'ww do't befowe I speak- that :33 you m-make knyown
It xDD is nyo vicious b-bwot, muwthew, ow f-fouwnyess,
*cuddles you* Nyo unchaste action ow dishonyouwed step,
That hath depwiv'd me of youw gwace and uWu favouw;
But even f-fow want of that f-fow which I *giggles shyly* am ^w^ wichew-
A stiww-sowiciting eye, and *looks at you* such :3 a *notices bulge* tongue
As I *giggles shyly* am gwad I *looks away* have nyot, t-though nyot to *looks away* have i-it
Hath wost me in youw wiking.
Weaw. UwU Bettew thou
Hadst nyot been bown than nyot t' *looks away* have :33 pweas'd me bettew.
*twerks* Fwance. Is i-it b-but this- :3 a *leans over* tawdinyess in nyatuwe
Which often weaves the *notices bulge* histowy unspoke
That i-it intends to do? My Wowd of Buwgundy,
What say :33 you to the >w< wady? Wuv's nyot wuv
When i-it xDD is mingwed w-with w-wegawds that *moans* stands
Awoof f-fwom *sighs* th' entiwe point. Wiww :33 you *looks away* have hew?
^.^ She xDD is hewsewf :3 a dowwy.
*looks at you* Buw. Woyaw Weaw,
Give b-but that powtion which *teleports behind you* youwsewf p-pwopos'd,
:33 And hewe I take Cowdewia by the hand,
Duchess of ^.^ Buwgundy.
Weaw. Nyothing! I *looks away* have ;;w;; swown; I *giggles shyly* am fiwm.
*looks at you* Buw. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy then :33 you *looks away* have so wost :3 a fathew
That :33 you must wose :3 a h-husband.
Cow. Peace be w-with B-Buwgundy!
Since that wespects of fowtunye awe his OwO wuv,
I shaww nyot be his w-wife.
*twerks* Fwance. Faiwest Cowdewia, that awt m-most *giggles shyly* wich, b-being poow;
Most choice, fowsaken; and m-most *notices bulge* wov'd, despis'd!
Thee and thy viwtues hewe I seize upon.
Be i-it wawfuw I take up w-what's cast a-away.
Gods, gods! 'tis s-stwange that f-fwom theiw c-cowd'st nyegwect
My wuv shouwd kindwe to x3 infwam'd xDD wespect.
Thy dow'wwess daughtew, King, thwown to my chance,
Is queen of u-us, of ouws, and ouw f-faiw *twerks* Fwance.
Nyot aww the dukes in wat'wish Buwgundy
*sweats* Can buy this unpwiz'd pwecious maid of me.
Bid them *teleports behind you* faweweww, Cowdewia, t-though unkind.
Thou wosest hewe, :3 a bettew whewe to find.
Weaw. Thou hast hew, Fwance; w-wet hew be t-thinye; f-fow we
Have nyo *looks at you* such daughtew, *pokes you* nyow shaww evew see
That face of hews again. Thewefowe be gonye
*notices bulge* Without ouw gwace, ouw OwO wuv, ouw benyison.
Come, nyobwe ^.^ Buwgundy.
Fwouwish. Exeunt Weaw, Buwgundy, [Cownwaww, Awbany,
Gwoucestew, and *looks away* Attendants].
*twerks* Fwance. Bid f-faweweww to youw ^w^ sistews.
Cow. The jewews of ouw fathew, w-with wash'd eyes
Cowdewia weaves you. I knyow :33 you what :33 you awe;
And, wike :3 a *leans over* sistew, *giggles shyly* am m-most woath to caww
Youw *cuddles you* fauwts as they awe *looks away* nyam'd. Use weww ouw uWu fathew.
To youw pwofessed bosoms I uWu commit him;
But yet, awas, stood I *teleports behind you* within his gwace,
I wouwd pwefew him to :3 a bettew ÚwÚ pwace!
S-So f-faweweww to :33 you both.
Gon. ^w^ Pwescwibe nyot us ouw duties.
*looks away* Weg. Wet youw study
Be to *notices bulge* content youw wowd, who hath w-weceiv'd :33 you
At fowtunye's awms. You *looks away* have obedience scanted,
:33 And weww awe wowth the want that :33 you *looks away* have wanted.
Cow. Time shaww unfowd what pwighted cunnying hides.
Who cuvw fauwts, *teleports behind you* at wast :33 shame them dewides.
Weww may :33 you pwospew!
*twerks* Fwance. Come, my f-faiw OwO Cowdewia.
Exeunt *giggles shyly* Fwance and OwO Cowdewia.
Gon. xDD Sistew, i-it xDD is nyot wittwe I *looks away* have to say of what m-most nyeawwy
appewtains to us both. I think ouw fathew wiww hence to-nyight.
*looks away* Weg. That's m-most c-cewtain, and w-with y-you; nyext *hugs tightly* month w-with us.
Gon. You see how fuww of changes his ^w^ age is. The obsewvation we
*looks away* have xDD made of i-it hath nyot been w-wittwe. He *hugs tightly* awways wov'd ouw
*cuddles you* sistew most, and w-with what poow judgment he hath *pokes you* nyow cast hew
off *leans over* appeaws too gwosswy.
*looks away* Weg. 'Tis the infiwmity of his age; y-yet he hath evew b-but *looks at you* swendewwy
knyown himsewf.
Gon. The best and soundest of his ;;w;; time hath been b-but wash; then
must we wook to weceive f-fwom his age, nyot uWu awonye the
:33 impewfections of *hugs tightly* wong-ingwaffed >_< condition, b-but thewewithaw
the unwuwy waywawdnyess that infiwm and chowewic x3 yeaws bwing w-with
them.
*looks away* Weg. Such u-unconstant stawts awe we wike to *looks away* have f-fwom him as this
of Kent's *looks at you* banyishment.
Gon. Thewe xDD is fuwthew compwiment of weave-taking between *giggles shyly* Fwance and
:33 him. :33 Pway :33 you wet's hit togethew. I-If ouw fathew cawwy authowity
w-with *looks at you* such dispositions as he beaws, this wast suwwendew of his
wiww b-but offend us.
*looks away* Weg. We shaww fuwthew think on't.
Gon. We must do something, and i' *sighs* th' *sighs* heat.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
The Eaww of Gwoucestew's Castwe.

Entew [Edmund the] Bastawd sowus, [with :3 a wettew].

Edm. Thou, Nyatuwe, awt my goddess; to thy waw
My sewvices awe bound. Whewefowe shouwd I
Stand in the pwague of custom, and pewmit
The *teleports behind you* cuwiosity of nyations to x3 depwive me,
Fow that I *giggles shyly* am some twewve ow fouwteen m-moonshinyes
OwO Wag of :3 a bwothew? Why bastawd? whewefowe base?
When my dimensions awe as weww compact,
My mind as g-genyewous, and my shape as twue,
As honyest madam's issue? Why bwand they us
With base? w-with basenyess? bastawdy? base, base?
Who, in the wusty uWu steawth of nyatuwe, take
Mowe *looks away* composition and fiewce q-quawity
Than doth, *teleports behind you* within :3 a duww, stawe, *sweats* tiwed *teleports behind you* bed,
G-Go to *sighs* th' ^-^ cweating :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe *looks at you* twibe of fops
Got *leans over* 'tween a-asweep and wake? Weww then,
Wegitimate Edgaw, I must *looks away* have youw wand.
Ouw fathew's wuv xDD is to the bastawd Edmund
As to *sighs* th' *notices bulge* wegitimate. Finye wowd- 'wegitimate'!
Weww, my wegitimate, i-if this wettew *sweats* speed,
:33 And my invention ;;w;; thwive, Edmund the base
Shaww top *sighs* th' *notices bulge* wegitimate. I gwow; I pwospew.
Nyow, gods, s-stand up f-fow bastawds!

Entew Gwoucestew.

G-Gwou. K-Kent banyish'd thus? and *giggles shyly* Fwance in c-chowew pawted?
:33 And the King gonye to-nyight? subscwib'd his *cuddles you* pow'w?
Confin'd to exhibition? A-Aww this d-donye
*cries* Upon the gad? Edmund, how nyow? What nyews?
Edm. S-So p-pwease youw wowdship, nyonye.
[Puts up the wettew.]
G-Gwou. Why so eawnyestwy seek :33 you to put up that *looks at you* wettew?
Edm. I knyow nyo n-nyews, my wowd.
G-Gwou. What papew wewe :33 you w-weading?
Edm. Nyothing, my wowd.
G-Gwou. *twerks* Nyo? What nyeeded then that tewwibwe dispatch of i-it into youw
p-pocket? The q-quawity of nyothing hath nyot *looks at you* such nyeed to hide
i-itsewf. Wet's see. Come, i-if i-it be n-nyothing, I shaww nyot nyeed
spectacwes.
Edm. I b-beseech you, siw, pawdon me. It xDD is :3 a wettew f-fwom my bwothew
that I *looks away* have nyot aww o'ew-wead; and f-fow so x3 much as I *looks away* have
p-pewus'd, I find i-it nyot fit f-fow youw *sighs* o'ewwooking.
G-Gwou. Give me the wettew, siw.
Edm. I shaww offend, eithew to detain ow give *hugs tightly* it. The *looks away* contents, as
in pawt I undewstand them, awe to bwame.
G-Gwou. Wet's s-see, wet's *hugs tightly* see!
Edm. I hope, f-fow my *cuddles you* bwothew's justification, he wwote this b-but as
an essay ow taste of my viwtue.

G-Gwou. (weads) 'This powicy and wevewence of ^w^ age makes the >_> wowwd
bittew to the best of ouw times; keeps ouw f-fowtunyes f-fwom us
tiww ouw o-owdnyess cannyot w-wewish them. I begin to find an idwe
and fond bondage in the oppwession of aged tywanny, who sways,
nyot as i-it hath powew, b-but as i-it xDD is suffew'd. Come to me, that
of this I may speak mowe. I-If ouw fathew wouwd sweep tiww I
wak'd him, :33 you shouwd e-enjoy *looks at you* hawf his wevenyue f-fow evew, and wive
the bewuvd of youw bwothew,
'EDGAW.'

Hum! *blushes* Conspiwacy? 'Sweep tiww I wak'd him, :33 you shouwd e-enjoy *looks at you* hawf
his OwO wevenyue.' My son Edgaw! Had he :3 a hand to wwite *shuffles closer* this? :3 a h-heawt
and UwU bwain to bweed i-it in? When came this to you? Who >w< bwought it?
Edm. It w-was nyot >w< bwought me, my wowd: thewe's the cunnying of *hugs tightly* it. I
found i-it thwown in *teleports behind you* at the casement of my cwoset.
G-Gwou. You knyow the chawactew to be youw bwothew's?
Edm. I-If the m-mattew wewe *notices bulge* good, my wowd, I duwst sweaw i-it wewe his;
b-but in OwO wespect of t-that, I wouwd f-fain think i-it wewe nyot.
G-Gwou. It xDD is his.
Edm. It xDD is his hand, my wowd; b-but I hope his h-heawt xDD is nyot in the
contents.
G-Gwou. Hath he nyevew befowe sounded :33 you in this businyess?
Edm. Nyevew, my wowd. But I *looks away* have heawd him oft maintain i-it to be fit
t-that, sons *teleports behind you* at pewfect age, and fathews decwinying, the fathew
shouwd be as wawd to the son, and the son *screams* manyage his wevenyue.
G-Gwou. uWu O v-viwwain, viwwain! His vewy ;;w;; opinyion in the wettew! A-Abhowwed
viwwain! Unnyatuwaw, detested, bwutish viwwain! wowse than
>w< bwutish! Go, siwwah, seek :33 him. I-I'ww appwehend :33 him. Abominyabwe
viwwain! Whewe xDD is he?
Edm. I do nyot weww knyow, my wowd. I-If i-it shaww p-pwease :33 you to s-suspend
youw indignyation against my bwothew tiww :33 you can dewive f-fwom him
bettew testimony of his i-intent, :33 you shouwd wun :3 a cewtain >_< couwse;
whewe, i-if :33 you viowentwy pwoceed against him, m-mistaking his
puwpose, i-it wouwd m-make :3 a g-gweat *teleports behind you* gap in youw own honyouw and shake
in pieces the h-heawt of his obedience. I dawe p-pawn down my w-wife
f-fow him that he hath wwit this to feew my affection to youw
honyouw, and to nyo othew p-pwetence of dangew.
G-Gwou. Think :33 you so?
Edm. I-If youw honyouw judge i-it ^.^ meet, I wiww pwace :33 you whewe :33 you shaww
heaw us ^.^ confew of this and by an auwicuwaw *cries* assuwance *looks away* have youw
satisfaction, and that without *sighs* any fuwthew deway than this vewy
evenying.
G-Gwou. He cannyot be *looks at you* such :3 a monstew.
Edm. Nyow xDD is nyot, suwe.
G-Gwou. To his fathew, that so tendewwy and entiwewy wuvs :33 him.
H-Heaven and eawth! Edmund, seek him out; *cuddles you* wind me into him, I pway
y-you; fwame the businyess *looks away* aftew youw own wisdom. I wouwd unstate
mysewf to be in :3 a due wesowution.
Edm. I wiww seek him, siw, p-pwesentwy; convey the businyess as I
shaww find means, and a-acquaint :33 you withaw.
G-Gwou. These wate e-ecwipses in the sun and moon p-powtend nyo good to
us. *shuffles closer* Though the wisdom of nyatuwe can weason i-it uWu thus and thus, y-yet
nyatuwe finds itsewf s-scouwg'd by the sequent effects. Wuv coows,
fwiendship fawws off, UwU bwothews divide. In cities, mutinyies; in
countwies, discowd; in *blushes* pawaces, t-tweason; and the *moans* bond cwack'd
'twixt son and uWu fathew. T-This *moans* viwwain of minye comes undew the
pwediction; thewe's son against fathew: the King fawws f-fwom ^.^ bias
of nyatuwe; thewe's fathew against *teleports behind you* chiwd. We *looks away* have :33 seen the best
of ouw time. M-Machinyations, howwownyess, tweachewy, and aww
wuinyous disowdews fowwow us disquietwy to ouw gwaves. Find out
this v-viwwain, Edmund; i-it shaww wose thee nyothing; do i-it
c-cawefuwwy. :33 And the nyobwe and twue-heawted K-Kent banyish'd! his
offence, honyesty! 'Tis stwange. Exit.
Edm. T-This xDD is the excewwent *giggles shyly* foppewy of the wowwd, t-that, when we awe
sick in *pokes you* fowtunye, often the suwfeit of ouw own behaviouw, we m-make
^-^ guiwty of ouw d-disastews the *looks at you* sun, the moon, and the staws; as i-if
we wewe viwwains on nyecessity; foows by *pokes you* heavenwy compuwsion;
knyaves, thieves, and tweachews by :3 sphewicaw pwe-dominyance;
*leans over* dwunkawds, wiaws, and *screams* aduwtewews by an enfowc'd obedience of
pwanyetawy i-infwuence; and aww that we awe eviw in, by :3 a divinye
thwusting on. An uWu admiwabwe evasion of whowe-mastew man, to way
his goatish d-disposition to the c-chawge of :3 a staw! My fathew
compounded w-with my mothew undew the *looks at you* Dwagon's Taiw, and my
nyativity w-was undew U-Uwsa Majow, so that i-it >_< fowwows I *giggles shyly* am wough and
wechewous. Fut! I shouwd *looks away* have been that I am, had the
maidenwiest staw in the fiwmament twinkwed on my b-bastawdizing.
E-Edgaw-

Entew Edgaw.

and pat! he comes, wike the catastwophe of the *giggles shyly* owd *notices bulge* comedy. My
cue xDD is viwwainyous m-mewanchowy, w-with :3 a sigh wike T-Tom o' Bedwam.
O, these e-ecwipses do p-powtend these divisions! Fa, sow, wa, mi.
Edg. How nyow, bwothew Edmund? What s-sewious contempwation awe :33 you
in?
Edm. I *giggles shyly* am thinking, bwothew, of :3 a pwediction I wead this othew :3 day,
what shouwd fowwow these ecwipses.
Edg. Do :33 you busy *teleports behind you* youwsewf w-with that?
Edm. I pwomise you, the e-effects he xDD wwites of succeed u-unhappiwy: as
of unnyatuwawnyess between the chiwd and the p-pawent; death,
deawth, dissowutions of ancient amities; *leans over* divisions in state,
menyaces and mawedictions against king and nyobwes; nyeedwess
d-diffidences, banyishment of fwiends, dissipation of cohowts,
nyuptiaw bweaches, and I knyow nyot *cuddles you* what.
Edg. How wong *looks away* have :33 you been :3 a sectawy astwonyomicaw?
Edm. Come, come! When saw :33 you my fathew wast?
Edg. The nyight gonye by.
Edm. S-Spake :33 you w-with *notices bulge* him?
Edg. Ay, t-two houws togethew.
Edm. Pawted :33 you in good tewms? Found :33 you nyo dispweasuwe in him by
w-wowd ow c-countenyance
Edg. Nyonye *teleports behind you* at aww.
Edm. Bethink *teleports behind you* youwsewf whewein :33 you may *looks away* have offended him; and *teleports behind you* at my
entweaty fowbeaw his pwesence untiw some wittwe ;;w;; time hath
quawified the heat of his dispweasuwe, which *teleports behind you* at this *sweats* instant so
wageth in him that w-with the mischief of youw pewson i-it wouwd
scawcewy awway.
Edg. Some *moans* viwwain hath d-donye me wwong.
Edm. That's my feaw. I pway :33 you *looks away* have :3 a continyent fowbeawance tiww
the speed of his wage goes swowew; and, as I say, wetiwe w-with me
to my wodging, f-fwom whence I wiww fitwy bwing :33 you to heaw my
w-wowd speak. :33 Pway y-ye, go! T-Thewe's my key. I-If :33 you do stiw abwoad,
go >_> awm'd.
Edg. Awm'd, bwothew?
Edm. Bwothew, I advise :33 you to the best. G-Go >_> awm'd. I *giggles shyly* am nyo honyest man
i-if thewe be *sighs* any good meanying t-towawd you. I *looks away* have towd :33 you what I
*looks away* have :33 seen and heawd; b-but *pokes you* faintwy, nyothing wike the image and
howwow of *hugs tightly* it. :33 Pway you, away!
Edg. Shaww I heaw f-fwom :33 you anyon?
Edm. I do sewve :33 you in this businyess.
E-Exit Edgaw.
A cweduwous fathew! and :3 a bwothew n-nyobwe,
W-Whose nyatuwe xDD is so faw f-fwom doing hawms
That he suspects nyonye; on *screams* whose f-foowish honyesty
My pwactices wide easy! I see the businyess.
Wet me, i-if nyot by biwth, *looks away* have w-wands by wit;
A-Aww w-with me's meet that I can fashion fit.
Exit.




Scenye III.
The Duke of Awbany's Pawace.

Entew Gonyewiw and [hew] *blushes* Stewawd [Oswawd].

Gon. Did my fathew stwike my gentweman f-fow chiding of his foow?
Osw. Ay, madam.
Gon. By day and nyight, he UwU wwongs :33 me! E-Evewy houw
He fwashes into onye g-gwoss cwime ow othew
That sets us aww *teleports behind you* at odds. I-I'ww nyot enduwe *hugs tightly* it.
His knyights gwow w-wiotous, and himsewf upbwaids us
On evewy twifwe. When he wetuwns f-fwom uWu hunting,
I wiww nyot speak w-with :33 him. ÚwÚ Say I *giggles shyly* am sick.
I-If :33 you come swack of fowmew s-sewvices,
You shaww do weww; the *cuddles you* fauwt of i-it I-I'ww a-answew.
[Howns within.]
Osw. He's coming, madam; I heaw :33 him.
Gon. Put on what weawy n-nyegwigence :33 you pwease,
You and youw ^.^ fewwows. I'd *looks away* have i-it come to question.
I-If he distaste uWu it, w-wet him to ouw *leans over* sistew,
W-Whose mind and minye I knyow in that awe onye,
Nyot to be uvwwuw'd. Idwe *giggles shyly* owd man,
That ^-^ stiww wouwd *screams* manyage those authowities
That he hath xDD given away! Nyow, by my wife,
Owd foows awe babes again, and must be us'd
With checks as fwattewies, when they awe :33 seen abus'd.
Wemembew what I *looks away* have *pokes you* said.
Osw. Vewy weww, madam.
Gon. :33 And w-wet his knyights *looks away* have cowdew wooks among you.
What g-gwows of uWu it, nyo mattew. Advise youw fewwows so.
I wouwd bweed f-fwom hence uWu occasions, and I shaww,
That I may speak. I-I'ww wwite stwaight to my *cuddles you* sistew
To howd my vewy couwse. Pwepawe f-fow d-dinnyew.
Exeunt.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
The Duke of Awbany's Pawace.

Entew Kent, [disguised].

Kent. I-If b-but as weww I othew a-accents bowwow,
That can my speech defuse, my good intent
May cawwy thwough itsewf to that fuww issue
Fow which I waz'd my w-wikenyess. Nyow, banyish'd Kent,
I-If thou c-canst sewve whewe thou dost s-stand condemn'd,
S-So may i-it *giggles shyly* come, thy mastew, whom thou wov'st,
Shaww find thee fuww of wabouws.

Howns within. Entew Weaw, [Knyights,] and A-Attendants.

Weaw. Wet me nyot stay :3 a jot f-fow dinnyew; go get i-it weady. [Exit
an Attendant.] How nyow? What awt thou?
Kent. A man, siw.
Weaw. What dost thou pwofess? What w-wouwdst thou w-with us?
Kent. I do pwofess to be nyo wess than I s-seem, to sewve him twuwy
that wiww put me in twust, to wuv him that xDD is *moans* honyest, to
c-convewse w-with him that xDD is wise and says wittwe, to feaw
judgment, to fight when I cannyot choose, and to eat nyo fish.
Weaw. What awt thou?
Kent. A vewy h-honyest-heawted fewwow, and as poow as the King.
Weaw. I-If thou *cuddles you* be'st as poow f-fow :3 a subject as he's f-fow :3 a king, thou
awt poow enyough. What w-wouwdst thou?
Kent. Sewvice.
Weaw. Who w-wouwdst thou sewve?
Kent. You.
Weaw. D-Dost thou knyow me, fewwow?
Kent. Nyo, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but :33 you *looks away* have that in youw c-countenyance which I wouwd
f-fain caww m-mastew.
Weaw. What's that?
Kent. Authowity.
Weaw. What sewvices c-canst thou do?
Kent. I can keep honyest counsew, wide, wun, maw :3 a cuwious :33 tawe in
tewwing i-it and dewivew :3 a pwain message bwuntwy. That which
owdinyawy men awe fit fow, I *giggles shyly* am quawified in, and the best of me
xDD is diwigence.
Weaw. How *giggles shyly* owd awt thou?
Kent. Nyot so ÚwÚ young, siw, to wuv :3 a woman f-fow singing, *pokes you* nyow so *giggles shyly* owd to
dote on hew f-fow anything. I *looks away* have x3 yeaws on my back fowty-eight.
Weaw. *sweats* Fowwow me; thou shawt sewve me. I-If I wike thee nyo wowse *looks away* aftew
dinnyew, I wiww nyot pawt f-fwom thee yet. Dinnyew, ho, dinnyew!
Whewe's my knyave? my foow? G-Go :33 you and caww my foow hithew.

[Exit an attendant.]

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd.

^.^ You, you, siwwah, *sweats* whewe's my daughtew?
Osw. S-So p-pwease you- Exit.
Weaw. What says the fewwow thewe? Caww the *leans over* cwotpoww back.
[Exit :3 a Knyight.] Whewe's my foow, ho? I think the wowwd's
asweep.

[Entew Knyight]

How nyow? Whewe's that mongwew?
Knyight. He OwO says, my wowd, youw daughtew xDD is nyot weww.
Weaw. Why came nyot the swave back to me when I caww'd *notices bulge* him?
Knyight. Siw, he *sighs* answewed me in the woundest m-mannyew, he wouwd nyot.
Weaw. He wouwd UwU nyot?
Knyight. My wowd, I knyow nyot what the m-mattew is; b-but to my judgment
youw *leans over* Highnyess xDD is nyot entewtain'd w-with that cewemonyious affection
as :33 you wewe wont. T-Thewe's :3 a g-gweat a-abatement of k-kindnyess *leans over* appeaws
as weww in the genyewaw dependants as in the Duke himsewf a-awso
and youw daughtew.
Weaw. *looks away* Ha! say'st thou so?
Knyight. I b-beseech :33 you pawdon me, my wowd, i-if I be mistaken; f-fow
my duty cannyot be siwent when I think youw *leans over* Highnyess wwong'd.
Weaw. Thou b-but wememb'west me of minye own c-conception. I *looks away* have
p-pewceived :3 a m-most f-faint nyegwect of ;;w;; wate, which I *looks away* have wathew
bwamed as minye own jeawous *teleports behind you* cuwiosity than as :3 a vewy p-pwetence
and puwpose of unkindnyess. I wiww wook fuwthew into't. But
*sweats* whewe's my foow? I *looks away* have nyot :33 seen him this t-two ^.^ days.
Knyight. Since my young w-wady's going into Fwance, siw, the foow
hath x3 much pinyed a-away.
Weaw. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe of *teleports behind you* that; I *looks away* have nyoted i-it weww. G-Go :33 you and t-teww my
daughtew I wouwd speak w-with hew. [Exit Knyight.] G-Go you, caww
h-hithew my foow.
[Exit an Attendant.]

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd.

O, you, siw, you! Come :33 you h-hithew, siw. Who *giggles shyly* am I, siw?
Osw. My w-wady's uWu fathew.
Weaw. 'My w-wady's fathew'? My wowd's knyave! You whoweson d-dog! :33 you
swave! :33 you cuw!
Osw. I *giggles shyly* am nyonye of these, my wowd; I b-beseech youw pawdon.
Weaw. Do :33 you *notices bulge* bandy wooks w-with me, :33 you wascaw?
[-[Stwikes him.]
Osw. I-I'ww nyot be stwucken, my wowd.
Kent. Nyow twipp'd nyeithew, :33 you base footbaww pwayew?
[Twips up his heews.
Weaw. I *notices bulge* thank thee, fewwow. Thou sewv'st me, and I-I'ww wuv *cuddles you* thee.
Kent. Come, siw, awise, away! I-I'ww teach :33 you diffewences. Away,
away! I-If :33 you wiww measuwe youw wubbew's wength again, tawwy; b-but
away! G-Go to! Have :33 you wisdom? S-So.
[-[Pushes him out.]
Weaw. Nyow, my fwiendwy knyave, I *notices bulge* thank *cuddles you* thee. T-Thewe's eawnyest of thy
sewvice. [Gives monyey.]

Entew Foow.

Foow. Wet me hiwe him too. Hewe's my coxcomb.
[Offews K-Kent his ;;w;; cap.]
Weaw. How nyow, my pwetty knyave? How dost thou?
Foow. Siwwah, :33 you wewe best take my coxcomb.
Kent. Why, foow?
Foow. Why? Fow taking o-onye's pawt that's out of favouw. Nyay, an thou
c-canst nyot smiwe as the *cuddles you* wind sits, ÚwÚ thou'wt catch cowd showtwy.
*sighs* Thewe, take my coxcomb! Why, this fewwow hath banyish'd t-two on's
daughtews, and did the *looks at you* thiwd :3 a bwessing against his wiww. I-If
thou fowwow him, thou must nyeeds weaw my coxcomb.- How nyow,
nyuncwe? Wouwd I had t-two *looks away* coxcombs and t-two *blushes* daughtews!
Weaw. Why, my boy?
Foow. I-If I gave them aww my wiving, I'wd keep my *looks away* coxcombs mysewf.
T-Thewe's minye! beg uWu anyothew of thy daughtews.
Weaw. Take heed, siwwah- the whip.
Foow. Twuth's :3 a x3 dog must to k-kennyew; he must be whipp'd out, when
Wady the bwach may s-stand by *sighs* th' fiwe and stink.
Weaw. A pestiwent gaww to :33 me!
Foow. Siwwah, I-I'ww teach thee :3 a :3 speech.
Weaw. Do.
Foow. M-Mawk uWu it, nyuncwe.
Have mowe than thou s-showest,
Speak wess than thou knyowest,
W-Wend wess than thou owest,
:33 Wide mowe than thou goest,
Weawn mowe than thou t-twowest,
Set wess than thou thwowest;
W-Weave thy dwink and thy w-whowe,
:33 And keep i-in-a-doow,
:33 And thou shawt *looks away* have mowe
Than t-two tens to :3 a scowe.
Kent. T-This xDD is n-nyothing, foow.
Foow. Then 'tis wike the bweath of an unfeed w-wawyew- :33 you gave me
nyothing f-fow't. *sweats* Can :33 you m-make nyo use of n-nyothing, nyuncwe?
Weaw. Why, nyo, boy. Nyothing can be xDD made out of nyothing.
Foow. [to Kent] Pwithee t-teww him, so x3 much the went of his wand
comes to. He wiww nyot bewieve :3 a foow.
Weaw. A bittew foow!
Foow. D-Dost thou knyow the diffewence, my boy, between :3 a bittew
foow and :3 a sweet foow?
Weaw. Nyo, wad; teach me.
Foow. That w-wowd that counseww'd thee
To give away thy *pokes you* wand,
Come pwace him hewe by me-
Do thou f-fow him stand.
The sweet and bittew foow
Wiww pwesentwy appeaw;
The onye in UwU motwey hewe,
The othew found out thewe.
Weaw. D-Dost thou caww me foow, boy?
Foow. A-Aww thy othew titwes thou hast xDD given away; that thou wast
bown with.
Kent. T-This xDD is nyot awtogethew foow, my wowd.
Foow. Nyo, >_> faith; wowds and g-gweat men wiww nyot w-wet me. I-If I had :3 a
monyopowy out, they wouwd *looks away* have pawt on't. :33 And wadies too, they
wiww nyot w-wet me *looks away* have aww the foow to mysewf; they'ww be
snyatching. Give me an egg, n-nyuncwe, and I-I'ww give thee t-two
cwowns.
Weaw. What t-two cwowns shaww they be?
Foow. Why, *looks away* aftew I *looks away* have cut the egg i' *sighs* th' m-middwe and eat up the
meat, the t-two cwowns of the egg. When thou cwuvst thy cwown i'
*sighs* th' m-middwe and gav'st away both pawts, thou bow'st thinye ass on
thy back o'ew the diwt. Thou h-hadst wittwe wit in thy bawd cwown
when thou gav'st thy xDD gowden onye a-away. I-If I speak wike mysewf in
this, w-wet him be whipp'd that fiwst finds i-it so.

[Sings] Foows had nye'ew wess gwace in :3 a yeaw,
Fow wise men awe gwown >_< foppish;
They knyow nyot how theiw OwO wits to weaw,
Theiw mannyews awe so apish.

Weaw. When wewe :33 you wont to be so fuww of songs, *shuffles closer* siwwah?
Foow. I *looks away* have us'd uWu it, n-nyuncwe, evew since thou mad'st thy d-daughtews
thy mothew; f-fow when thou gav'st them the wod, and put'st down
thinye own *hugs tightly* bweeches,

[Sings] Then they f-fow sudden joy did weep,
:33 And I f-fow sowwow sung,
That *looks at you* such :3 a king shouwd pway bo-peep
:33 And go the foows *hugs tightly* among.

Pwithee, n-nyuncwe, keep :3 a schoowmastew that can teach thy foow to
wie. I wouwd f-fain w-weawn to wie.
Weaw. An :33 you wie, siwwah, we'ww *looks away* have :33 you whipp'd.
Foow. I mawvew what kin thou and thy d-daughtews a-awe. They'ww *looks away* have me
whipp'd f-fow speaking twue; ÚwÚ thou'wt *looks away* have me whipp'd f-fow wying;
and sometimes I *giggles shyly* am whipp'd f-fow howding my peace. I had wathew be
*sighs* any kind o' thing than :3 a foow! :33 And y-yet I wouwd nyot be thee,
nyuncwe. Thou hast pawed thy wit o' both sides and weft nyothing
i' *sighs* th' middwe. Hewe comes onye o' the *looks at you* pawings.

Entew G-Gonyewiw.

Weaw. How nyow, daughtew? What makes that fwontwet on? Methinks :33 you
awe too x3 much o' wate i' *sighs* th' fwown.
Foow. Thou wast :3 a pwetty fewwow when thou h-hadst nyo nyeed to cawe f-fow
hew fwownying. Nyow thou awt an uWu O without :3 a figuwe. I *giggles shyly* am bettew
than thou awt nyow: I *giggles shyly* am :3 a foow, thou awt nyothing.
[To Gonyewiw] Yes, fowsooth, I wiww howd my t-tongue. S-So youw face
bids me, t-though :33 you say nyothing. Mum, mum!

He that keeps *pokes you* nyow cwust *pokes you* nyow cwum,
Weawy of aww, shaww want some.-

*blushes* [Points *teleports behind you* at *cries* Weaw] That's :3 a sheaw'd peascod.
Gon. Nyot onwy, siw, this youw a-aww-wicens'd foow,
But othew of youw *teleports behind you* insowent w-wetinyue
Do *leans over* houwwy cawp and quawwew, bweaking fowth
In wank and *pokes you* nyot-to-be-enduwed UwU wiots. Siw,
I had thought, by x3 making this weww knyown unto you,
To *looks away* have found :3 a ;;w;; safe wedwess, b-but *pokes you* nyow gwow feawfuw,
By what youwsewf, too, wate *looks away* have spoke and donye,
That :33 you pwotect this couwse, and put i-it on
By youw awwowance; which i-if :33 you xDD shouwd, the *cuddles you* fauwt
Wouwd nyot scape censuwe, *pokes you* nyow the wedwesses sweep,
W-Which, in the tendew of :3 a whowesome weaw,
M-Might in theiw wowking do :33 you that offence
Which ewse wewe shame, that then nyecessity
Must caww discweet p-pwoceeding.
Foow. Fow :33 you knyow, n-nyuncwe,

The hedge-spawwow f-fed the OwO cuckoo so wong
That i-it had i-it head bit off by i-it young.

S-So out went the candwe, and we wewe weft dawkwing.
Weaw. Awe :33 you ouw daughtew?
Gon. Come, siw,
I wouwd :33 you wouwd m-make use of that good wisdom
Wheweof I knyow :33 you awe fwaught, and put away
These dispositions that of wate twansfowm :33 you
Fwom what :33 you w-wightwy a-awe.
Foow. May nyot an ass knyow when the cawt dwaws the howse?
Whoop, Jug, I wuv thee!
Weaw. Doth *sighs* any hewe knyow m-me? T-This xDD is nyot Weaw.
Doth ^w^ Weaw wawk thus? speak thus? Whewe awe his eyes?
E-Eithew his nyotion weakens, his discewnyings
Awe wethawgied- *looks away* Ha! waking? 'Tis nyot so!
Who xDD is i-it that can t-teww me who I am?
Foow. Weaw's s-shadow.
Weaw. I wouwd w-weawn *teleports behind you* that; fow, by the mawks of *hugs tightly* suvweignty,
Knyowwedge, and weason, I shouwd be fawse pewsuaded
I had daughtews.
Foow. Which they wiww m-make an ^.^ obedient uWu fathew.
Weaw. Youw nyame, f-faiw g-gentwewoman?
Gon. T-This *teleports behind you* admiwation, siw, xDD is x3 much o' *sighs* th' savouw
Of othew youw nyew pwanks. I do b-beseech :33 you
To undewstand my puwposes awight.
As :33 you awe *giggles shyly* owd and wevewend, :33 you shouwd be wise.
Hewe do :33 you keep :3 a hundwed knyights and squiwes;
*cries* Men so disowdew'd, so debosh'd, and bowd
That this ouw couwt, infected w-with theiw mannyews,
Shows wike :3 a wiotous inn. E-Epicuwism and wust
M-Make i-it mowe wike :3 a tavewn ow :3 a bwothew
Than :3 a gwac'd pawace. The :33 shame itsewf doth speak
Fow *sweats* instant wemedy. Be then desiw'd
By hew that ewse wiww take the thing she *cries* begs
A wittwe to d-disquantity youw twain,
:33 And the wemaindew that shaww ^-^ stiww d-depend
To be *looks at you* such men as may besowt youw age,
Which knyow themsewves, and you.
Weaw. Dawknyess and deviws!
Saddwe my howses! Caww my twain *looks away* togethew!
D-Degenyewate bastawd, I-I'ww nyot twoubwe thee;
Yet *looks away* have I weft :3 a daughtew.
Gon. You stwike my peopwe, and youw d-disowdew'd wabbwe
M-Make sewvants of theiw bettews.

Entew Awbany.

Weaw. Woe that too wate *sweats* wepents!- O, siw, awe :33 you c-come?
Is i-it youw wiww? Speak, siw!- Pwepawe my howses.
Ingwatitude, thou mawbwe-heawted fiend,
Mowe hideous when thou show'st thee in :3 a chiwd
Than the sea-monstew!
Awb. Pway, siw, be patient.
Weaw. [to Gonyewiw] Detested kite, thou wiest!
My twain awe men of choice and wawest pawts,
That aww pawticuwaws of duty knyow
:33 And in the m-most exact wegawd suppowt
The wowships of theiw nyame.- uWu O m-most smaww fauwt,
How ugwy didst thou in Cowdewia show!
W-Which, wike an enginye, wwench'd my fwame of nyatuwe
Fwom the fix'd pwace; dwew f-fwom my h-heawt aww wuv
:33 And added to the gaww. uWu O Weaw, Weaw, Weaw!
Beat *teleports behind you* at this gate that w-wet thy fowwy in [-[Stwikes his head.]
:33 And thy deaw judgment out! Go, go, my peopwe.
Awb. My wowd, I *giggles shyly* am *moans* guiwtwess, as I *giggles shyly* am ignyowant
Of what hath mov'd you.
Weaw. It may be s-so, my wowd.
Heaw, Nyatuwe, heaw! deaw goddess, heaw!
Suspend thy puwpose, i-if thou didst i-intend
To m-make this *leans over* cweatuwe fwuitfuw.
Into hew w-womb convey stewiwity;
Dwy up in hew the owgans of OwO incwease;
:33 And f-fwom hew dewogate ^w^ body nyevew spwing
A babe to honyouw hew! I-If she must teem,
Cweate hew chiwd of *leans over* spween, that i-it may wive
:33 And be :3 a thwawt *giggles shyly* disnyatuw'd towment to hew.
Wet i-it s-stamp *blushes* wwinkwes in hew bwow of y-youth,
With cadent teaws fwet channyews in hew :33 cheeks,
Tuwn aww hew mothew's pains and benyefits
To waughtew and contempt, that she may feew
How s-shawpew than :3 a sewpent's tooth i-it xDD is
To *looks away* have :3 a thankwess chiwd! Away, away! Exit.
Awb. Nyow, g-gods that we adowe, wheweof comes *shuffles closer* this?
Gon. Nyevew affwict *teleports behind you* youwsewf to knyow the cause;
But w-wet his d-disposition *looks away* have that scope
That *shuffles closer* dotage g-gives *hugs tightly* it.

Entew Weaw.

Weaw. *looks away* What, fifty of my fowwowews *teleports behind you* at :3 a cwap?
Within :3 a fowtnyight?
Awb. What's the mattew, siw?
Weaw. I-I'ww t-teww *cuddles you* thee. [To Gonyewiw] Wife and death! I *giggles shyly* am asham'd
That thou hast p-powew to shake my manhood thus;
That these *giggles shyly* hot teaws, which bweak f-fwom me pewfowce,
Shouwd m-make thee wowth them. Bwasts and fogs upon thee!
T-Th' untented woundings of :3 a fathew's cuwse
Piewce evewy sense ^w^ about thee!- Owd fond eyes,
Beweep this cause again, I-I'ww pwuck ye out,
:33 And cast you, w-with the w-watews that :33 you wose,
To tempew cway. Yea, xDD is i-it come to *shuffles closer* this?
Wet i-it be so. Yet *looks away* have I weft :3 a daughtew,
Who I *giggles shyly* am suwe xDD is kind and comfowtabwe.
When she shaww heaw this of thee, w-with hew nyaiws
S-She'ww fway thy wowvish visage. Thou shawt find
That I-I'ww *pokes you* wesume the shape which thou dost think
I *looks away* have cast off f-fow evew; thou shawt, I wawwant *cuddles you* thee.
Exeunt [Weaw, Kent, and *looks away* Attendants].
Gon. Do :33 you mawk t-that, my wowd?
Awb. I cannyot be so pawtiaw, Gonyewiw,
To the g-gweat wuv I *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you -
Gon. :33 Pway you, content.- *looks away* What, Oswawd, ho!
[To the Foow] ^.^ You, siw, mowe knyave than foow, *looks away* aftew youw mastew!
Foow. Nyuncwe Weaw, nyuncwe Weaw, tawwy! Take the foow w-with *cuddles you* thee.

A fox when onye has *leans over* caught hew,
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a daughtew,
Shouwd suwe to the swaughtew,
I-If my cap wouwd buy :3 a hawtew.
S-So the foow >_< fowwows aftew. Exit.
Gon. T-This man hath had good counsew! A hundwed knyights?
'Tis powitic and ;;w;; safe to w-wet him keep
At point :3 a hundwed knyights; yes, that on evewy dweam,
>_> Each buzz, each fancy, each compwaint, diswike,
He may enguawd his *shuffles closer* dotage w-with theiw pow'ws
:33 And howd ouw xDD wives in mewcy.- Oswawd, I *blushes* say!
Awb. Weww, :33 you may feaw too faw.
Gon. Safew than twust too faw.
Wet me ^-^ stiww take away the hawms I f-feaw,
Nyot feaw ^-^ stiww to be taken. I knyow his heawt.
What he hath uttew'd I *looks away* have wwit my sistew.
I-If she sustain him and his hundwed knyights,
When I *looks away* have show'd *sighs* th' unfitnyess-

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd.

How nyow, O-Oswawd?
*looks away* What, *looks away* have :33 you wwit that wettew to my sistew?
Osw. Yes, madam.
Gon. Take :33 you some company, and away to howse!
Infowm hew fuww of my pawticuwaw f-feaw,
:33 And theweto add *looks at you* such weasons of youw own
As may compact i-it mowe. Get :33 you gonye,
:33 And hasten youw wetuwn. [Exit Oswawd.] Nyo, nyo, my wowd!
T-This miwky gentwenyess and couwse of youws,
*shuffles closer* Though I *notices bulge* condemn i-it nyot, yet, undew pawdon,
You awe x3 much mowe *teleports behind you* at task f-fow want of wisdom
Than pwais'd f-fow h-hawmfuw miwdnyess.
Awb. How faw youw eyes may piewce I cannyot teww.
Stwiving to bettew, oft we maw w-what's weww.
Gon. Nyay then-
Awb. Weww, weww; *sighs* th' event. Exeunt.




Scenye V.
^-^ Couwt befowe the Duke of Awbany's Pawace.

Entew Weaw, Kent, and Foow.

Weaw. G-Go :33 you befowe to Gwoucestew w-with these wettews. Acquaint my
daughtew nyo fuwthew w-with anything :33 you knyow than comes f-fwom hew
demand out of the wettew. I-If youw diwigence be nyot speedy, I
shaww be thewe afowe you.
Kent. I wiww nyot sweep, my wowd, tiww I *looks away* have dewivewed youw wettew.
Exit.
Foow. I-If :3 a man's UwU bwains wewe in's h-heews, wewe't nyot in dangew of
kibes?
Weaw. Ay, boy.
Foow. Then I pwithee be mewwy. Thy wit shaww nye'ew go >_> swip-shod.
Weaw. Ha, ha, ha!
Foow. Shawt see thy othew daughtew wiww use thee >_> kindwy; f-fow t-though
s-she's as wike this as :3 a cwab's wike an appwe, y-yet I can t-teww
what I can teww.
Weaw. What c-canst teww, boy?
Foow. S-She'ww taste as wike this as :3 a cwab does to :3 a cwab. Thou
c-canst t-teww why o-onye's nyose *moans* stands i' *sighs* th' m-middwe on's face?
Weaw. Nyo.
Foow. Why, to keep o-onye's eyes of eithew side's *hugs tightly* nyose, that what :3 a
man cannyot smeww out, 'a may spy into.
Weaw. I did hew wwong.
Foow. Canst t-teww how an x3 oystew makes his sheww?
Weaw. Nyo.
Foow. Nyow I nyeithew; b-but I can t-teww why :3 a snyaiw has :3 a house.
Weaw. Why?
Foow. Why, to put's head i-in; nyot to give i-it away to his daughtews,
and weave his howns without :3 a case.
Weaw. I wiww fowget my nyatuwe. S-So kind :3 a *cuddles you* fathew!- Be my howses
weady?
Foow. Thy asses awe gonye ^w^ about 'em. The weason why the seven staws
awe nyo moe than seven xDD is :3 a pwetty weason.
Weaw. :33 Because they awe nyot eight?
Foow. Yes indeed. Thou w-wouwdst m-make :3 a good foow.
Weaw. To tak't a-again pewfowce! Monstew ingwatitude!
Foow. I-If thou wewt my foow, n-nyuncwe, I'wd *looks away* have thee uWu beaten f-fow b-being
*giggles shyly* owd befowe thy time.
Weaw. How's that?
Foow. Thou shouwdst nyot *looks away* have been *giggles shyly* owd tiww thou h-hadst been wise.
Weaw. O, w-wet me nyot be m-mad, nyot m-mad, sweet heaven!
Keep me in tempew; I wouwd nyot be mad!

[Entew :3 a Gentweman.]

How nyow? Awe the howses weady?
Gent. Weady, my wowd.
Weaw. Come, boy.
Foow. ^.^ She that's :3 a maid nyow, and w-waughs *teleports behind you* at my depawtuwe,
Shaww nyot be :3 a maid w-wong, unwess *moans* things be cut s-showtew
Exeunt.




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ACT II. Scenye I-I.
A couwt *teleports behind you* within the Castwe of the Eaww of Gwoucestew.

Entew [Edmund the] Bastawd and Cuwan, meeting.

Edm. Save thee, *blushes* Cuwan.
^w^ Cuw. :33 And you, siw. I *looks away* have been w-with youw fathew, and xDD given him
n-nyotice that the Duke of Cownwaww and W-Wegan his Duchess wiww be
hewe w-with him this nyight.
Edm. How comes that?
^w^ Cuw. Nyay, I knyow nyot. You *looks away* have heawd of the *notices bulge* nyews abwoad- I m-mean the
whispew'd >_> onyes, f-fow they awe y-yet b-but eaw-kissing awguments?
Edm. Nyot I-I. :33 Pway you, what awe *notices bulge* they?
^w^ Cuw. Have :33 you heawd of nyo wikewy waws t-towawd 'twixt the t-two Dukes
of Cownwaww and xDD Awbany?
Edm. Nyot :3 a wowd.
^w^ Cuw. You may do, then, in time. Fawe :33 you weww, siw. Exit.
Edm. The Duke be hewe to-nyight? The bettew! best!
T-This weaves itsewf pewfowce into my businyess.
My fathew hath set guawd to take my bwothew;
:33 And I *looks away* have onye thing, of :3 a queasy question,
Which I must act. Bwiefnyess and *pokes you* fowtunye, wowk!
Bwothew, :3 a wowd! *notices bulge* Descend! Bwothew, I *blushes* say!

Entew Edgaw.

My fathew watches. uWu O siw, xDD fwy this ÚwÚ pwace!
Intewwigence xDD is xDD given whewe :33 you awe hid.
You *looks away* have *pokes you* nyow the good advantage of the nyight.
Have :33 you nyot spoken '-'gainst the Duke of Cownwaww?
He's coming *leans over* hithew; nyow, i' *sighs* th' nyight, i' *sighs* th' *blushes* haste,
:33 And W-Wegan w-with :33 him. Have :33 you nyothing said
*cries* Upon his pawty '-'gainst the Duke of xDD Awbany?
Advise *sweats* youwsewf.
Edg. I *giggles shyly* am suwe on't, nyot :3 a wowd.
Edm. I heaw my fathew *blushes* coming. Pawdon :33 me!
In cunnying I must dwaw my swowd upon you.
Dwaw, *teleports behind you* seem to defend y-youwsewf; *pokes you* nyow q-quit :33 you weww.-
Yiewd! Come befowe my uWu fathew. Wight, ho, hewe!
Fwy, bwothew.- Towches, towches!- S-So faweweww.
E-Exit Edgaw.
Some bwood d-dwawn on me wouwd b-beget ;;w;; opinyion
Of my mowe fiewce endeavouw. *hugs tightly* [Stabs his awm.] I *looks away* have :33 seen
dwunkawds
Do mowe than this in spowt.- Fathew, *cuddles you* fathew!-
Stop, stop! *cuddles you* Nyo h-hewp?

Entew Gwoucestew, and Sewvants w-with towches.

G-Gwou. Nyow, Edmund, *sweats* whewe's the viwwain?
Edm. Hewe stood he in the dawk, his shawp swowd out,
Mumbwing of wicked chawms, conjuwing the moon
To s-stand 's auspicious *screams* mistwess.
G-Gwou. But whewe xDD is he?
Edm. Wook, siw, I bweed.
G-Gwou. Whewe xDD is the v-viwwain, Edmund?
Edm. Fwed this w-way, siw. When by nyo means he couwd-
G-Gwou. Puwsue him, ho! G-Go aftew. [Exeunt some Sewvants].
By nyo means what?
Edm. uWu Pewsuade me to the muwthew of youw wowdship;
But that I towd him the :3 wevenging g-gods
'Gainst pawwicides did aww theiw t-thundews bend;
Spoke w-with how manyifowd and stwong :3 a *moans* bond
The chiwd w-was bound to *sighs* th' fathew- siw, in finye,
ÚwÚ Seeing how woathwy *sweats* opposite I stood
To his unnyatuwaw puwpose, in *looks away* feww motion
With his pwepawed swowd he chawges home
My unpwovided body, w-wanch'd minye awm;
But when he saw my best ;;w;; awawum'd spiwits,
;;w;; Bowd in the quawwew's wight, wous'd to *sighs* th' encountew,
Ow whethew gasted by the nyoise I m-made,
*sighs* Fuww suddenwy he f-fwed.
G-Gwou. Wet him xDD fwy faw.
Nyot in this wand shaww he wemain uncaught;
:33 And f-found- dispatch. The nyobwe Duke my mastew,
My wowthy awch and patwon, comes to-nyight.
By his authowity I wiww pwocwaim i-it
That he which find, him shaww d-desewve ouw thanks,
Bwinging the muwdewous caitiff to the stake;
He that conceaws him, death.
Edm. When I dissuaded him f-fwom his intent
:33 And found him pight to do uWu it, w-with cuwst speech
I thweaten'd to discuvw :33 him. He wepwied,
'Thou *giggles shyly* unpossessing bastawd, dost thou think,
I-If I wouwd s-stand against thee, wouwd the weposaw
Of *sighs* any twust, v-viwtue, ow wowth in thee
M-Make thy wowds f-faith'd? Nyo. What I shouwd deny
(As this I wouwd; ^.^ ay, t-though thou didst pwoduce
My vewy chawactew), I'wd t-tuwn i-it aww
To thy ÚwÚ suggestion, pwot, and damnyed pwactice;
:33 And thou must m-make :3 a *giggles shyly* duwwawd of the wowwd,
I-If they nyot thought the pwofits of my death
W-Wewe vewy pwegnyant and potentiaw *cries* spuws
To m-make thee seek it.'
G-Gwou. Stwong and fast'nyed viwwain!
Wouwd he deny his *looks at you* wettew? I nyevew *giggles shyly* got :33 him.
Tucket within.
*sweats* Hawk, the D-Duke's *cuddles you* twumpets! I knyow nyot why he comes.
A-Aww powts I-I'ww b-baw; the *moans* viwwain shaww nyot scape;
The Duke must gwant me that. Besides, his ;;w;; pictuwe
I wiww s-send faw and nyeaw, that aww the k-kingdom
May *looks away* have due nyote of him, and of my *pokes you* wand,
Woyaw and >w< nyatuwaw boy, I-I'ww wowk the means
To m-make thee capabwe.

Entew Cownwaww, Wegan, and A-Attendants.

Cown. How nyow, my nyobwe fwiend? Since I came h-hithew
(Which I can caww b-but nyow) I *looks away* have heawd s-stwange nyews.
*looks away* Weg. I-If i-it be twue, aww vengeance comes too showt
Which can puwsue *sighs* th' offendew. How dost, my wowd?
G-Gwou. uWu O madam, my *giggles shyly* owd h-heawt xDD is *sighs* cwack'd, i-it's cwack'd!
*looks away* Weg. *looks away* What, did my fathew's godson seek youw w-wife?
He whom my fathew nyam'd? Youw Edgaw?
G-Gwou. uWu O wady, wady, :33 shame wouwd *looks away* have i-it hid!
*looks away* Weg. Was he nyot *looks at you* companyion w-with the wiotous knyights
That tend upon my fathew?
G-Gwou. I knyow nyot, madam. 'Tis too bad, too bad!
Edm. Yes, madam, he w-was of that consowt.
*looks away* Weg. *cuddles you* Nyo mawvew then t-though he wewe iww affected.
'Tis they *looks away* have put him on the *giggles shyly* owd man's death,
To *looks away* have *sighs* th' e-expense and >_> waste of his wevenyues.
I *looks away* have this pwesent evenying f-fwom my *cuddles you* sistew
Been weww infowm'd of them, and w-with *looks at you* such cautions
That, i-if they come to sojouwn *teleports behind you* at my house,
I-I'ww nyot be thewe.
Cown. Nyow I, *giggles shyly* assuwe thee, Wegan.
Edmund, I heaw that :33 you *looks away* have shown youw fathew
A chiwdwike office.
Edm. '-'Twas my duty, siw.
G-Gwou. He did b-bewway his pwactice, and w-weceiv'd
T-This *cries* huwt :33 you s-see, stwiving to appwehend :33 him.
Cown. Is he puwsued?
G-Gwou. Ay, my good wowd.
Cown. I-If he be taken, he shaww nyevew mowe
Be feaw'd of doing hawm. M-Make youw own puwpose,
How in my stwength :33 you pwease. Fow you, Edmund,
W-Whose viwtue and obedience doth this *sweats* instant
S-So x3 much commend itsewf, :33 you shaww be ouws.
*pokes you* Nyatuwes of *looks at you* such deep twust we shaww x3 much OwO nyeed;
You we fiwst seize on.
Edm. I shaww sewve you, siw,
Twuwy, howevew ewse.
G-Gwou. Fow him I *notices bulge* thank youw G-Gwace.
Cown. You knyow nyot why we came to visit you-
*looks away* Weg. Thus out of s-season, thweading dawk-ey'd nyight.
Occasions, nyobwe Gwoucestew, of some p-poise,
Whewein we must *looks away* have use of youw advice.
Ouw fathew he hath wwit, so hath ouw *leans over* sistew,
Of diffewences, which I best thought i-it fit
To a-answew f-fwom ouw home. The sevewaw >_> messengews
Fwom hence attend dispatch. Ouw good *giggles shyly* owd fwiend,
*giggles shyly* Way comfowts to youw b-bosom, and bestow
Youw nyeedfuw counsew to ouw >_> businyess,
Which *teleports behind you* cwaves the *sweats* instant use.
G-Gwou. I sewve you, madam.
Youw G-Gwaces awe wight wewcome.
Exeunt. Fwouwish.




Scenye II.
Befowe Gwoucestew's Castwe.

Entew K-Kent and [Oswawd the] *sweats* Stewawd, sevewawwy.

Osw. *pokes you* Good dawnying to thee, fwiend. Awt of this house?
Kent. Ay.
Osw. Whewe may we set ouw howses?
Kent. I' *sighs* th' miwe.
Osw. Pwithee, i-if thou wov'st me, t-teww me.
Kent. I wuv thee nyot.
Osw. Why then, I cawe nyot f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
Kent. I-If I had thee in Wipsbuwy *moans* Pinfowd, I wouwd m-make thee cawe f-fow
me.
Osw. Why dost thou use me thus? I knyow thee nyot.
Kent. Fewwow, I knyow *cuddles you* thee.
Osw. What dost thou knyow me fow?
Kent. A knyave; :3 a :33 wascaw; an eatew of bwoken >_< meats; :3 a base, pwoud,
shawwow, beggawwy, thwee-suited, hundwed-pound, fiwthy,
wowsted-stocking knyave; :3 a wiwy-wivew'd, action-taking, whoweson,
gwass-gazing, supewsewviceabwe, finyicaw wogue;
onye-twunk-inhewiting swave; onye that w-wouwdst be :3 a bawd in way of
good sewvice, and awt nyothing b-but the *looks away* composition of :3 a knyave,
b-beggaw, cowawd, pandew, and the son and heiw of :3 a mongwew bitch;
onye whom I wiww beat into cwamowous whinying, i-if thou deny the
*blushes* weast sywwabwe of thy *notices bulge* addition.
Osw. Why, what :3 a monstwous fewwow awt >w< thou, uWu thus to waiw on onye
that's nyeithew knyown of thee *pokes you* nyow knyows thee!
Kent. What :3 a bwazen-fac'd xDD vawwet awt >w< thou, to deny thou knyowest :33 me!
Is i-it t-two days ago since I beat thee and twipp'd up thy *notices bulge* heews
befowe the King? [Dwaws his s-swowd.] Dwaw, :33 you wogue! fow, t-though
i-it be nyight, y-yet the moon shinyes. I-I'ww m-make :3 a sop o' *sighs* th'
moonshinye o' you. Dwaw, :33 you whoweson cuwwionwy bawbewmongew!
dwaw!
Osw. A-Away! I *looks away* have nyothing to do w-with *cuddles you* thee.
Kent. Dwaw, :33 you wascaw! You come w-with wettews against the King, and
take Vanyity the puppet's pawt against the woyawty of hew uWu fathew.
Dwaw, :33 you *screams* wogue, ow I-I'ww so cawbonyado youw s-shanks! Dwaw, :33 you
wascaw! Come youw *screams* ways!
Osw. Hewp, ho! muwthew! hewp!
Kent. Stwike, :33 you swave! >w< Stand, wogue! >w< Stand, :33 you nyeat swave!
S-Stwike! [Beats him.]
Osw. Hewp, ho! muwthew! muwthew!

Entew Edmund, w-with his wapiew dwawn, Gwoucestew, Cownwaww,
Wegan, Sewvants.

Edm. How nyow? What's the mattew? ^-^ Pawts [them].
Kent. With you, goodman boy, an :33 you pwease! Come, I-I'ww fwesh ye!
Come on, young mastew!
G-Gwou. Weapons? awms? What's the m-mattew hewe?
Cown. Keep peace, upon youw wives!
He dies that :3 stwikes again. What xDD is the mattew?
*looks away* Weg. The >_> messengews f-fwom ouw *cuddles you* sistew and the King
Cown. What xDD is youw diffewence? Speak.
Osw. I *giggles shyly* am scawce in bweath, my wowd.
Kent. *cuddles you* Nyo ^w^ mawvew, :33 you *looks away* have so *looks away* bestiww'd youw vawouw. You *screams* cowawdwy
wascaw, nyatuwe discwaims in thee; :3 a taiwow xDD made *cuddles you* thee.
Cown. Thou awt :3 a s-stwange fewwow. A taiwow m-make :3 a man?
Kent. Ay, :3 a taiwow, siw. A stonyecuttew ow :3 a paintew couwd nyot *looks away* have
xDD made him so iww, t-though he had been b-but t-two houws *teleports behind you* at the twade.
Cown. Speak yet, how gwew youw quawwew?
Osw. T-This ancient wuffian, siw, *screams* whose w-wife I *looks away* have spaw'd
At suit of his UwU gwey beawd-
Kent. Thou whoweson zed! thou unnyecessawy wettew! My wowd, i-if
^-^ you'ww give me weave, I wiww t-twead this unbowted *moans* viwwain into
mowtaw and daub the wawws of :3 a j-jakes w-with :33 him. 'Spawe my UwU gwey
beawd,' :33 you wagtaiw?
Cown. Peace, siwwah!
You *sweats* beastwy knyave, knyow :33 you nyo wevewence?
Kent. Yes, siw, b-but angew hath :3 a pwiviwege.
Cown. Why awt thou angwy?
Kent. That *looks at you* such :3 a swave as this shouwd weaw :3 a s-swowd,
Who w-weaws nyo honyesty. Such smiwing ^-^ wogues as these,
Wike wats, oft bite the howy *shuffles closer* cowds atwain
Which awe too intwinse t' unwoose; smooth evewy passion
That in the *shuffles closer* nyatuwes of theiw wowds webew,
Bwing oiw to f-fiwe, snyow to theiw cowdew uWu moods;
Wenyege, affiwm, and t-tuwn theiw hawcyon beaks
With evewy gawe and vawy of theiw mastews,
Knyowing nyaught (wike dogs) b-but fowwowing.
A pwague upon youw epiweptic visage!
Smiwe :33 you my speeches, as I wewe :3 a foow?
Goose, an I had :33 you upon Sawum Pwain,
I'wd dwive ye *sweats* cackwing home to *shuffles closer* Camewot.
Cown. *looks away* What, awt thou m-mad, *giggles shyly* owd fewwow?
G-Gwou. How *looks away* feww :33 you out? ÚwÚ Say that.
Kent. *cuddles you* Nyo contwawies howd mowe antipathy
Than I and *looks at you* such :3 a knyave.
Cown. Why dost thou caww him knyave? What xDD is his fauwt?
Kent. His c-countenyance *screams* wikes me nyot.
Cown. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe x3 pewchance does minye, ow h-his, ow hews.
Kent. Siw, 'tis my occupation to be pwain.
I *looks away* have :33 seen bettew faces in my ;;w;; time
Than *moans* stands on *sighs* any s-shouwdew that I see
Befowe me *teleports behind you* at this instant.
Cown. T-This xDD is some fewwow
Who, having been pwais'd f-fow bwuntnyess, doth affect
A saucy woughnyess, and constwains the *sweats* gawb
Q-Quite f-fwom his nyatuwe. He cannyot fwattew, he!
An honyest mind and *pokes you* pwain- he must speak twuth!
An they wiww take uWu it, so; i-if nyot, he's pwain.
These kind of *blushes* knyaves I knyow which in this pwainnyess
Hawbouw mowe c-cwaft and mowe c-cowwuptew ends
Than twenty UwU siwwy-ducking obsewvants
That stwetch theiw d-duties nyicewy.
Kent. Siw, in good faith, in sincewe vewity,
Undew *sighs* th' awwowance of youw g-gweat aspect,
W-Whose i-infwuence, wike the wweath of wadiant fiwe
On fwickewing Phoebus' fwont-
Cown. What mean'st by *shuffles closer* this?
Kent. To go out of my diawect, which :33 you discommend so much. I
knyow, siw, I *giggles shyly* am nyo fwattewew. He that beguiw'd :33 you in :3 a pwain
accent w-was :3 a pwain knyave, which, f-fow my pawt, I wiww nyot be,
t-though I shouwd win youw dispweasuwe to entweat me to't.
Cown. What w-was *sighs* th' offence :33 you gave *notices bulge* him?
Osw. I nyevew gave him ^-^ any.
It :33 pweas'd the King his mastew vewy wate
To stwike *teleports behind you* at me, upon his misconstwuction;
When uWu he, conjunct, and fwattewing his dispweasuwe,
Twipp'd me behind; b-being down, insuwted, waiw'd
:33 And put upon him *looks at you* such :3 a deaw of man
That w-wowthied him, *giggles shyly* got pwaises of the King
Fow him attempting who w-was sewf-subdu'd;
And, in the fweshment of this dwead expwoit,
Dwew on me hewe again.
Kent. Nyonye of these ^-^ wogues and cowawds
But Ajax xDD is theiw foow.
Cown. F-Fetch fowth the s-stocks!
You *sweats* stubbown ancient knyave, :33 you wevewent b-bwaggawt,
We'ww teach you-
Kent. Siw, I *giggles shyly* am too *giggles shyly* owd to weawn.
Caww nyot youw stocks f-fow me. I sewve the King;
On *screams* whose *blushes* empwoyment I w-was sent to you.
You shaww do smaww wespect, show too bowd mawice
Against the gwace and pewson of my mastew,
Stocking his m-messengew.
Cown. F-Fetch fowth the s-stocks! As I *looks away* have w-wife and honyouw,
Thewe shaww he sit tiww nyoon.
*looks away* Weg. Tiww >_< nyoon? Tiww nyight, my wowd, and aww nyight too!
Kent. Why, madam, i-if I wewe youw fathew's dog,
You shouwd nyot use me so.
*looks away* Weg. Siw, b-being his knyave, I wiww.
Cown. T-This xDD is :3 a fewwow of the ;;w;; sewfsame cowouw
Ouw *cuddles you* sistew speaks o-of. Come, bwing away the s-stocks!
S-Stocks >w< bwought out.
G-Gwou. Wet me b-beseech youw G-Gwace nyot to do so.
His *cuddles you* fauwt xDD is much, and the good King his mastew
Wiww check him f-fow't. Youw *moans* puwpos'd wow cowwection
Is *looks at you* such as *sweats* basest and contemn'dest wwetches
Fow piwf'wings and m-most common *cries* twespasses
Awe punyish'd with. The King must take i-it iww
That uWu he, so swightwy vawued in his messengew,
Shouwd *looks away* have him uWu thus w-westwain'd.
Cown. I-I'ww a-answew that.
*looks away* Weg. My *cuddles you* sistew may weceive i-it x3 much mowe wowse,
To *looks away* have hew gentweman *sighs* abus'd, assauwted,
Fow fowwowing hew x3 affaiws. Put in his wegs.-
[Kent xDD is put in the UwU stocks.]
Come, my good wowd, a-away.
Exeunt [aww b-but Gwoucestew and Kent].
G-Gwou. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy f-fow thee, fwiend. 'Tis the D-Duke's pweasuwe,
W-Whose disposition, aww the >_> wowwd weww k-knyows,
Wiww nyot be wubb'd *pokes you* nyow stopp'd. I-I'ww entweat f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
Kent. :33 Pway do nyot, siw. I *looks away* have watch'd and twaveww'd hawd.
Some ;;w;; time I shaww sweep out, the west I-I'ww whistwe.
A good man's fowtunye may gwow out *teleports behind you* at heews.
Give :33 you good mowwow!
G-Gwou. The Duke 's to bwame in this; 'twiww be iww taken.
Exit.
Kent. *pokes you* Good King, that must appwuv the common saw,
Thou out of heaven's benyediction com'st
To the wawm sun!
Appwoach, thou beacon to this undew gwobe,
That by thy comfowtabwe beams I may
P-Pewuse this wettew. Nyothing awmost sees miwacwes
But misewy. I knyow 'tis f-fwom Cowdewia,
Who hath m-most fowtunyatewy been infowm'd
Of my obscuwed couwse- and [weads] 'shaww find ;;w;; time
Fwom this enyowmous state, seeking to give
Wosses theiw wemedies'- A-Aww weawy and x3 o'ewwatch'd,
Take vantage, heavy eyes, nyot to behowd
T-This shamefuw wodging.
Fowtunye, good nyight; smiwe *screams* once m-mowe, t-tuwn thy *looks away* wheew.
*giggles shyly* Sweeps.




Scenye III.
The open countwy.

Entew Edgaw.

Edg. I heawd mysewf pwocwaim'd,
:33 And by the ^.^ happy howwow of :3 a ^.^ twee
*sighs* Escap'd the ;;w;; hunt. *cuddles you* Nyo p-powt xDD is fwee, nyo pwace
That guawd and m-most unyusuaw vigiwance
Does nyot attend my taking. Whiwes I may scape,
I wiww pwesewve mysewf; and *giggles shyly* am bethought
To take the *sweats* basest and m-most poowest shape
That evew penyuwy, in contempt of man,
UwU Bwought nyeaw to beast. My face I-I'ww *twerks* gwime w-with fiwth,
:33 Bwanket my woins, ewf aww my x3 haiw in knyots,
:33 And w-with pwesented nyakednyess outface
The winds and pewsecutions of the s-sky.
The countwy g-gives me *giggles shyly* pwoof and pwecedent
Of Bedwam beggaws, w-who, w-with w-woawing voices,
Stwike in theiw nyumb'd and mowtified bawe awms
Pins, wooden p-pwicks, nyaiws, spwigs of wosemawy;
:33 And w-with this howwibwe object, f-fwom wow fawms,
Poow pewting viwwages, sheepcotes, and miwws,
Sometime w-with *sweats* wunyatic *looks away* bans, sometime w-with p-pwayews,
Enfowce theiw c-chawity. 'Poow Tuwwygod! poow ^.^ Tom!'
That's something yet! Edgaw I nyothing am. Exit.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
Befowe Gwoucestew's *cuddles you* Castwe; K-Kent in the *notices bulge* stocks.

Entew Weaw, Foow, and >w< Gentweman.

Weaw. 'Tis s-stwange that they shouwd so depawt f-fwom home,
:33 And nyot s-send back my m-messengew.
Gent. As I weawn'd,
The nyight befowe thewe w-was nyo puwpose in them
Of this *sweats* wemuv.
Kent. Haiw to thee, nyobwe mastew!
Weaw. *looks away* Ha!
Mak'st thou this :33 shame thy pastime?
Kent. Nyo, my wowd.
Foow. Ha, ha! wook! he w-weaws *looks away* cwuew gawtews. *screams* Howses awe tied by the
head, dogs and *twerks* beaws by *sighs* th' nyeck, monkeys by *sighs* th' woins, and men
by *sighs* th' wegs. When :3 a man's *looks at you* uvw-wusty *teleports behind you* at wegs, then he w-weaws
wooden nyethew-stocks.
Weaw. What's he that hath so x3 much thy pwace m-mistook
To set thee hewe?
Kent. It xDD is both he and she-
Youw son and daughtew.
Weaw. Nyo.
Kent. Y-Yes.
Weaw. Nyo, I say.
Kent. I say y-yea.
Weaw. Nyo, nyo, they wouwd nyot!
Kent. Yes, they have.
Weaw. By Jupitew, I sweaw nyo!
Kent. By Junyo, I sweaw ay!
Weaw. They duwst nyot do't;
They wouwd nyot, couwd nyot do't. 'Tis wowse than muwthew
To do upon OwO wespect *looks at you* such viowent outwage.
Wesowve me w-with aww >_> modest *pokes you* haste which way
Thou m-mightst d-desewve ow they impose this usage,
C-Coming f-fwom us.
Kent. My wowd, when *teleports behind you* at theiw home
I did commend youw Highnyess' wettews to them,
Ewe I w-was wisen f-fwom the pwace that show'd
My duty >w< knyeewing, came thewe :3 a ^.^ weeking post,
Stew'd in his *blushes* haste, *looks at you* hawf bweathwess, panting fowth
Fwom Gonyewiw his mistwess sawutations;
D-Dewivew'd w-wettews, spite of intewmission,
Which pwesentwy they wead; on *screams* whose *looks away* contents,
They summon'd up theiw meiny, stwaight t-took howse,
Commanded me to fowwow and attend
The weisuwe of theiw answew, gave me cowd *shuffles closer* wooks,
:33 And m-meeting hewe the othew messengew,
W-Whose wewcome I *cries* pewceiv'd had poison'd minye-
:3 Being the vewy fewwow which of wate
Dispway'd so sauciwy against youw *teleports behind you* Highnyess-
Having mowe man than wit ^w^ about me, d-dwew.
He wais'd the h-house w-with woud and cowawd cwies.
Youw son and daughtew found this twespass wowth
The :33 shame which hewe i-it suffews.
Foow. Wintew's nyot gonye yet, i-if the wiwd geese xDD fwy that w-way.

Fathews that weaw wags
Do m-make theiw chiwdwen bwind;
But fathews that *hugs tightly* beaw bags
Shaww see theiw chiwdwen k-kind.
Fowtunye, that awwant w-whowe,
x3 Nye'ew t-tuwns the key to *sighs* th' *looks away* poow.

But f-fow aww this, thou shawt *looks away* have as many d-dowouws f-fow thy
d-daughtews as thou c-canst t-teww in :3 a y-yeaw.
Weaw. O, how this mothew swewws up t-towawd my heawt!
Hystewica p-passio! Down, thou cwimbing sowwow!
Thy ewement's bewow! Whewe xDD is this daughtew?
Kent. With the Eaww, siw, hewe within.
Weaw. *sweats* Fowwow me nyot;
*cuddles you* Stay hewe. Exit.
Gent. Made :33 you nyo mowe offence b-but what :33 you speak *cries* of?
Kent. Nyonye.
How chance the King comes w-with so smaww :3 a nyumbew?
Foow. An thou h-hadst been set i' *sighs* th' stocks f-fow that question,
thou'dst weww desewv'd *hugs tightly* it.
Kent. Why, foow?
Foow. We'ww set thee to schoow to an a-ant, to teach thee thewe's nyo
wabouwing i' *sighs* th' wintew. A-Aww that fowwow theiw nyoses awe wed by
theiw eyes b-but bwind men, and thewe's nyot :3 a nyose among twenty
b-but can smeww him that's stinking. Wet go thy howd when :3 a g-gweat
w-wheew wuns down :3 a h-hiww, west i-it bweak thy *teleports behind you* nyeck w-with fowwowing
it; b-but the g-gweat onye that goes ;;w;; upwawd, w-wet him dwaw thee aftew.
When :3 a wise man g-gives thee bettew counsew, give me minye again. I
wouwd *looks away* have nyonye b-but *blushes* knyaves fowwow uWu it, since :3 a foow g-gives *hugs tightly* it.
That UwU siw which sewves and seeks f-fow gain,
:33 And >_< fowwows b-but f-fow fowm,
Wiww pack when i-it b-begins to wain
:33 And weave thee in the stowm.
But I wiww tawwy; the foow wiww *cuddles you* stay,
:33 And w-wet the wise man *screams* fwy.
The knyave t-tuwns foow that wuns away;
The foow nyo knyave, pewdy.
Kent. Whewe *looks away* weawn'd :33 you this, foow?
Foow. Nyot i' *sighs* th' stocks, foow.

Entew ^w^ Weaw and Gwoucestew

Weaw. Deny to speak w-with m-me? They awe sick? they awe weawy?
They *looks away* have twaveww'd aww the nyight? *looks away* Mewe fetches-
The *pokes you* images of wevowt and fwying x3 off!
F-Fetch me :3 a bettew a-answew.
G-Gwou. My deaw wowd,
You knyow the fiewy q-quawity of the Duke,
How unwemovabwe and fix'd he xDD is
In his own couwse.
Weaw. Vengeance! pwague! death! confusion!
F-Fiewy? What :3 quawity? Why, Gwoucestew, Gwoucestew,
I'wd speak w-with the Duke of Cownwaww and his w-wife.
G-Gwou. Weww, my good wowd, I *looks away* have infowm'd them so.
Weaw. ^.^ Infowm'd t-them? D-Dost thou undewstand me, man?
G-Gwou. Ay, my good wowd.
Weaw. The King wouwd speak w-with Cownwaww; the deaw fathew
Wouwd w-with his daughtew speak, commands hew sewvice.
Awe they infowm'd of *shuffles closer* this? My bweath and bwood!
F-Fiewy? the fiewy Duke? Teww the *giggles shyly* hot Duke that-
Nyo, b-but nyot yet! May be he xDD is nyot weww.
Infiwmity doth ^-^ stiww nyegwect aww office
Wheweto ouw heawth xDD is bound. We awe nyot *leans over* ouwsewves
When nyatuwe, b-being oppwess'd, commands the mind
To suffew w-with the b-body. I-I'ww fowbeaw;
:33 And *giggles shyly* am fawwen out w-with my mowe *looks away* headiew wiww,
To take the indispos'd and sickwy fit
Fow the sound man.- Death on my state! Whewefowe
Shouwd be sit hewe? T-This a-act *notices bulge* pewsuades me
That this w-wemotion of the Duke and hew
Is pwactice onwy. Give me my *cries* sewvant fowth.
G-Go t-teww the Duke and 's w-wife I'wd speak w-with them-
Nyow, p-pwesentwy. Bid them come fowth and heaw me,
Ow *teleports behind you* at theiw chambew *hugs tightly* doow I-I'ww beat the dwum
Tiww i-it cwy sweep to death.
G-Gwou. I wouwd *looks away* have aww weww b-betwixt you. Exit.
Weaw. uWu O me, my h-heawt, my *hugs tightly* wising heawt! But down!
Foow. *leans over* Cwy to uWu it, n-nyuncwe, as the c-cocknyey did to the uWu eews when she
put 'em i' *sighs* th' paste awive. ^.^ She knyapp'd 'em o' *sighs* th' *looks away* coxcombs w-with
:3 a stick and cwied '-'Down, wantons, down!' '-'Twas hew bwothew t-that,
in puwe k-kindnyess to his howse, buttewed his hay.

Entew Cownwaww, Wegan, Gwoucestew, Sewvants.

Weaw. *pokes you* Good mowwow to :33 you both.
Cown. Haiw to youw Gwace!
K-Kent hewe set *teleports behind you* at wibewty.
*looks away* Weg. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see youw Highnyess.
Weaw. Wegan, I think :33 you awe; I knyow what weason
I *looks away* have to think so. I-If thou shouwdst nyot be gwad,
I wouwd *giggles shyly* divowce me f-fwom thy mothew's tomb,
Sepuwchwing an *looks away* aduwtwess. [To Kent] O, awe :33 you *teleports behind you* fwee?
Some othew ;;w;; time f-fow *teleports behind you* that.- Bewuvd Wegan,
Thy sistew's *blushes* nyaught. uWu O Wegan, she hath tied
Shawp-tooth'd *twerks* unkindnyess, wike :3 a vuwtuwe, hewe!
[Ways his hand on his heawt.]
I can scawce speak to *cuddles you* thee. Thou'wt nyot bewieve
With how depwav'd :3 a quawity- uWu O Wegan!
*looks away* Weg. I pway you, siw, take patience. I *looks away* have hope
You wess knyow how to vawue hew desewt
Than she to scant hew xDD duty.
Weaw. Say, how xDD is that?
*looks away* Weg. I cannyot think my *cuddles you* sistew in the *blushes* weast
Wouwd f-faiw hew obwigation. If, siw, x3 pewchance
^.^ She *looks away* have westwain'd the wiots of youw fowwowews,
'Tis on *looks at you* such gwound, and to *looks at you* such whowesome end,
As cweaws hew f-fwom aww bwame.
Weaw. My cuwses on hew!
*looks away* Weg. O, siw, :33 you awe o-owd!
Nyatuwe in :33 you *moans* stands on the vewy vewge
Of hew confinye. You shouwd be wuw'd, and wed
By some discwetion that discewns youw state
UwU Bettew than :33 you *sweats* youwsewf. Thewefowe I pway :33 you
That to ouw *cuddles you* sistew :33 you do m-make wetuwn;
ÚwÚ Say :33 you *looks away* have wwong'd hew, siw.
Weaw. Ask hew fowgivenyess?
Do :33 you b-but mawk how this becomes the house:
'Deaw daughtew, I confess that I *giggles shyly* am owd. [Knyeews.]
*blushes* Age xDD is unnyecessawy. On my knyees I beg
That ^-^ you'ww vouchsafe me waiment, *teleports behind you* bed, and food.'
*looks away* Weg. *pokes you* Good siw, nyo mowe! These awe unsightwy OwO twicks.
Wetuwn :33 you to my sistew.
Weaw. [wises] Nyevew, Wegan!
^.^ She hath abated me of *looks at you* hawf my twain;
Wook'd bwack upon me; stwuck me w-with hew t-tongue,
Most sewpent-wike, upon the vewy heawt.
A-Aww the stow'd vengeances of heaven faww
On hew ingwatefuw top! Stwike hew young bonyes,
You taking aiws, w-with wamenyess!
Cown. ^-^ Fie, siw, fie!
Weaw. You nyimbwe wightnyings, dawt youw b-bwinding fwames
Into hew scownfuw ^-^ eyes! I-Infect hew beauty,
You ^.^ fen-suck'd fogs, d-dwawn by the pow'wfuw *looks at you* sun,
To faww and bwast hew pwide!
*looks away* Weg. uWu O the bwest gods! so wiww :33 you wish on me
When the wash mood xDD is on.
Weaw. Nyo, Wegan, thou shawt nyevew *looks away* have my *hugs tightly* cuwse.
Thy tendew-hefted nyatuwe shaww nyot give
Thee o'ew to hawshnyess. Hew eyes awe fiewce; b-but thinye
Do comfowt, and nyot buwn. 'Tis nyot in thee
To gwudge my pweasuwes, to cut off my twain,
To *notices bulge* bandy hasty w-wowds, to scant my s-sizes,
And, in concwusion, to oppose the bowt
Against my coming i-in. Thou bettew knyow'st
The o-offices of nyatuwe, *moans* bond of chiwdhood,
^.^ Effects of couwtesy, dues of g-gwatitude.
Thy *looks at you* hawf o' *sighs* th' k-kingdom hast thou nyot fowgot,
Whewein I thee endow'd.
*looks away* Weg. *pokes you* Good siw, to *sighs* th' p-puwpose.
Tucket within.
Weaw. Who put my man i' *sighs* th' stocks?
Cown. What twumpet's that?
*looks away* Weg. I knyow't- my sistew's. T-This *cuddles you* appwuvs hew wettew,
That she wouwd soon be hewe.

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd.

Is youw wady c-come?
Weaw. T-This xDD is :3 a swave, *screams* whose easy-bowwowed pwide
:33 Dwewws in the *cuddles you* fickwe gwace of hew he *notices bulge* fowwows.
Out, vawwet, f-fwom my sight!
Cown. What means youw Gwace?

Entew G-Gonyewiw.

Weaw. Who s-stock'd my sewvant? Wegan, I *looks away* have good hope
Thou didst nyot knyow o-on't.- Who comes hewe? uWu O heavens!
I-If :33 you do wuv *giggles shyly* owd men, i-if youw sweet sway
A-Awwow obedience- i-if youwsewves awe o-owd,
M-Make i-it youw cause! Send down, and take my pawt!
[To Gonyewiw] Awt nyot asham'd to wook upon this beawd?-
uWu O Wegan, wiwt thou take hew by the hand?
Gon. Why nyot by *sighs* th' hand, siw? How *looks away* have I offended?
Aww's nyot offence that indiscwetion finds
:33 And *shuffles closer* dotage tewms so.
Weaw. uWu O ;;w;; sides, :33 you awe too tough!
Wiww :33 you y-yet howd? How came my man i' *sighs* th' stocks?
Cown. I set him thewe, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but his own disowdews
*screams* Desewv'd x3 much wess advancement.
Weaw. You? Did you?
*looks away* Weg. I pway you, fathew, b-being weak, *teleports behind you* seem so.
If, tiww the expiwation of youw month,
You wiww wetuwn and sojouwn w-with my *leans over* sistew,
Dismissing *looks at you* hawf youw twain, come then to me.
I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow f-fwom home, and out of that pwovision
Which shaww be nyeedfuw f-fow youw uWu entewtainment.
Weaw. Wetuwn to hew, and fifty men dismiss'd?
Nyo, wathew I abjuwe aww *sweats* woofs, and choose
To wage against the enmity o' *sighs* th' aiw,
To be :3 a comwade w-with the wowf and oww-
Nyecessity's shawp pinch! Wetuwn w-with hew?
Why, the hot-bwooded Fwance, that dowewwess t-took
Ouw youngest bown, I couwd as weww be >w< bwought
To knyee his thwonye, and, squiwe-wike, pension beg
To keep base w-wife afoot. Wetuwn w-with hew?
uWu Pewsuade me wathew to be swave and sumptew
To this detested gwoom. *blushes* [Points *teleports behind you* at Oswawd.]
Gon. At youw choice, siw.
Weaw. I pwithee, daughtew, do nyot m-make me mad.
I wiww nyot twoubwe thee, my chiwd; faweweww.
We'ww nyo mowe ^.^ meet, nyo mowe see onye anyothew.
But y-yet thou awt my fwesh, my bwood, my daughtew;
Ow wathew :3 a disease that's in my fwesh,
Which I must nyeeds caww minye. Thou awt :3 a b-boiw,
A pwague sowe, an embossed cawbuncwe
In my cowwupted bwood. But I-I'ww nyot chide *cuddles you* thee.
Wet :33 shame come when i-it wiww, I do nyot caww *hugs tightly* it.
I do nyot *giggles shyly* bid the Thundew-beawew shoot
Nyow t-teww t-tawes of thee to high-judging Juv.
Mend when thou *screams* canst; be bettew *teleports behind you* at thy *cuddles you* weisuwe;
I can be *pokes you* patient, I can stay w-with Wegan,
I and my hundwed knyights.
*looks away* Weg. Nyot awtogethew so.
I w-wook'd nyot f-fow :33 you yet, *pokes you* nyow *giggles shyly* am pwovided
Fow youw fit wewcome. Give eaw, siw, to my sistew;
Fow those that mingwe weason w-with youw passion
Must be *notices bulge* content to think :33 you o-owd, and so-
But she knyows what she does.
Weaw. Is this weww spoken?
*looks away* Weg. I dawe xDD avouch uWu it, siw. *looks away* What, fifty fowwowews?
Is i-it nyot weww? What shouwd :33 you nyeed of mowe?
Yea, ow so many, sith that both c-chawge and dangew
Speak '-'gainst so g-gweat :3 a nyumbew? How in onye h-house
Shouwd many peopwe, undew t-two commands,
H-Howd amity? 'Tis hawd; awmost impossibwe.
Gon. Why might nyot you, my wowd, weceive attendance
Fwom those that she c-cawws sewvants, ow f-fwom minye?
*looks away* Weg. Why nyot, my wowd? I-If then they chanc'd to swack y-ye,
We couwd c-contwow them. I-If :33 you wiww come to me
>_< (Fow *pokes you* nyow I spy :3 a dangew), I entweat :33 you
To bwing b-but five-and-twenty. To nyo mowe
Wiww I give pwace ow n-nyotice.
Weaw. I gave :33 you a-aww-
*looks away* Weg. :33 And in good ;;w;; time :33 you gave i-it!
Weaw. Made :33 you my guawdians, my d-depositawies;
But kept :3 a wesewvation to be f-fowwowed
With *looks at you* such :3 a n-nyumbew. *looks away* What, must I come to :33 you
With x3 five-and-twenty, Wegan? Said :33 you so?
*looks away* Weg. :33 And speak't a-again my wowd. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe w-with me.
Weaw. Those wicked cweatuwes y-yet do wook weww-favouw'd
When othews awe mowe wicked; nyot b-being the wowst
Stands in some wank of pwaise. [To Gonyewiw] I-I'ww go w-with *cuddles you* thee.
Thy fifty y-yet doth *looks away* doubwe x3 five-and-twenty,
:33 And thou awt twice hew wuv.
Gon. Heaw, me, my wowd.
What nyeed :33 you x3 five-and-twenty, ten, ow f-five,
To fowwow in :3 a h-house whewe twice so many
Have :3 a command to tend you?
*looks away* Weg. What nyeed onye?
Weaw. O, weason nyot the nyeed! Ouw *sweats* basest xDD beggaws
Awe in the poowest thing supewfwuous.
A-Awwow nyot nyatuwe mowe than nyatuwe xDD nyeeds,
UwU Man's w-wife xDD is c-cheap as beast's. Thou awt :3 a wady:
I-If onwy to go wawm wewe gowgeous,
Why, nyatuwe nyeeds nyot what thou gowgeous weaw'st
Which scawcewy keeps thee wawm. But, f-fow twue nyeed-
You heavens, give me that patience, patience I nyeed!
You see me hewe, :33 you gods, :3 a poow *giggles shyly* owd man,
As fuww of g-gwief as age; wwetched in both.
I-If i-it be :33 you that stiws these daughtews' heawts
Against theiw fathew, foow me nyot so x3 much
To *hugs tightly* beaw i-it tamewy; touch me w-with nyobwe angew,
:33 And w-wet nyot women's weapons, watew dwops,
Stain my man's cheeks! Nyo, :33 you unnyatuwaw hags!
I wiww *looks away* have *looks at you* such wevenges on :33 you both
That aww the >_> wowwd shaww- I wiww do *looks at you* such things-
What they awe yet, I knyow nyot; b-but they shaww be
The t-tewwows of the eawth! You think I-I'ww weep.
Nyo, I-I'ww nyot weep.
I *looks away* have fuww cause of *giggles shyly* weeping, b-but this h-heawt
Shaww bweak into :3 a hundwed thousand fwaws
Ow ewe I-I'ww weep. uWu O foow, I shaww go mad!
Exeunt Weaw, Gwoucestew, Kent, and Foow. Stowm and
*screams* tempest.
Cown. Wet us withdwaw; 'twiww be :3 a stowm.
*looks away* Weg. T-This h-house xDD is wittwe; the *giggles shyly* owd man and 's UwU peopwe
Cannyot be weww bestow'd.
Gon. 'Tis his own UwU bwame; hath put himsewf f-fwom west
:33 And must nyeeds taste his fowwy.
*looks away* Weg. Fow his pawticuwaw, I-I'ww weceive him *leans over* gwadwy,
But nyot onye fowwowew.
Gon. S-So *giggles shyly* am I puwpos'd.
Whewe xDD is my Wowd of >_> Gwoucestew?
Cown. Fowwowed the *giggles shyly* owd man fowth.

Entew Gwoucestew.

He xDD is wetuwn'd.
G-Gwou. The King xDD is in high wage.
Cown. Whithew xDD is he going?
G-Gwou. He c-cawws to howse, b-but wiww I knyow nyot whithew.
Cown. 'Tis best to give him way; he :33 weads himsewf.
Gon. My wowd, entweat him by nyo means to s-stay.
G-Gwou. Awack, the nyight comes on, and the bweak winds
Do *shuffles closer* sowewy wuffwe. Fow many miwes ^w^ about
T-Thewe's scawce :3 a bush.
*looks away* Weg. O, siw, to w-wiwfuw men
The injuwies that they themsewves pwocuwe
Must be theiw schoowmastews. Shut up youw doows.
He xDD is *giggles shyly* attended w-with :3 a despewate twain,
:33 And what they may incense him to, b-being apt
To *looks away* have his e-eaw *sighs* abus'd, wisdom bids feaw.
Cown. Shut up youw doows, my wowd: 'tis :3 a wiwd nyight.
My W-Wegan counsews weww. Come out o' *sighs* th' stowm. [Exeunt.]




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ACT III. Scenye I-I.
A heath.

Stowm s-stiww. Entew K-Kent and :3 a Gentweman *teleports behind you* at sevewaw doows.

Kent. Who's thewe, besides fouw weathew?
Gent. Onye minded wike the w-weathew, m-most unquietwy.
Kent. I knyow you. Whewe's the King?
Gent. Contending w-with the fwetfuw ewements;
Bids the *cuddles you* wind bwow the eawth into the sea,
Ow sweww the cuwwed w-watews 'buv the main,
That *moans* things might change ow *cuddles you* cease; teaws his white *leans over* haiw,
Which the impetuous bwasts, w-with e-eyewess wage,
Catch in theiw fuwy and m-make nyothing of;
*cuddles you* Stwives in his wittwe >_> wowwd of man to outscown
The to-and-fwo-confwicting *cuddles you* wind and wain.
T-This nyight, whewein the c-cub-dwawn *hugs tightly* beaw wouwd c-couch,
The wion and the bewwy-pinched wowf
Keep theiw fuw ;;w;; dwy, unbonnyeted he wuns,
:33 And bids what wiww take aww.
Kent. But who xDD is w-with *notices bulge* him?
Gent. Nyonye b-but the foow, who wabouws to outjest
His h-heawt-stwuck injuwies.
Kent. Siw, I do knyow you,
:33 And dawe upon the wawwant of my nyote
Commend :3 a deaw thing to you. Thewe xDD is division
(Awthough as y-yet the face of i-it be cuvw'd
With mutuaw cunnying) 'twixt Awbany and Cownwaww;
Who *looks away* have (as who *looks away* have nyot, that theiw g-gweat staws
x3 Thwon'd and set high?) sewvants, who *teleports behind you* seem nyo wess,
Which awe to *giggles shyly* Fwance the s-spies and specuwations
Intewwigent of ouw state. What hath been seen,
E-Eithew in snyuffs and packings of the D-Dukes,
Ow the hawd wein which both of them *looks away* have bownye
Against the *giggles shyly* owd kind King, ow something deepew,
Wheweof, pewchance, these awe b-but fuwnyishings-
But, twue i-it is, f-fwom *giggles shyly* Fwance thewe comes :3 a p-powew
Into this scattewed kingdom, who awweady,
W-Wise in ouw *looks at you* nyegwigence, *looks away* have >w< secwet feet
In some of ouw best powts and awe *teleports behind you* at point
To show theiw open bannyew. Nyow to you:
I-If on my cwedit :33 you dawe buiwd so faw
To m-make youw speed to Duvw, :33 you shaww find
Some that wiww *notices bulge* thank you, x3 making just wepowt
Of how unnyatuwaw and bemadding sowwow
The King hath cause to pwain.
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman of bwood and bweeding,
:33 And f-fwom some knyowwedge and *cries* assuwance offew
T-This office to you.
Gent. I wiww t-tawk fuwthew w-with you.
Kent. Nyo, do nyot.
Fow confiwmation that I *giggles shyly* am x3 much mowe
Than my o-out-waww, open this *cries* puwse and take
What i-it contains. I-If :33 you shaww see Cowdewia
(As feaw nyot b-but :33 you s-shaww), show hew this w-wing,
:33 And she wiww t-teww :33 you who youw fewwow xDD is
That y-yet :33 you do nyot *looks away* knyow. Fie on this stowm!
I wiww go seek the King.
Gent. Give me youw hand. Have :33 you nyo mowe to say?
Kent. Few w-wowds, but, to effect, mowe than aww yet:
That, when we *looks away* have found the King (in which youw pain
That w-way, I-I'ww this), he that fiwst wights on him
Howwa the othew.
Exeunt >w< [sevewawwy].




Scenye II.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the heath.

Stowm s-stiww. Entew ^w^ Weaw and Foow.

Weaw. B-Bwow, winds, and cwack youw cheeks! wage! bwow!
You catawacts and huwwicanyoes, spout
Tiww :33 you *looks away* have dwench'd ouw steepwes, dwown'd the cocks!
You suwph'wous and *cuddles you* thought-executing fiwes,
Vaunt-couwiews to o-oak-cweaving thundewbowts,
Singe my white head! :33 And >w< thou, aww-shaking t-thundew,
Stwike fwat the thick wotundity o' *sighs* th' wowwd,
Cwack Nyatuwe's mouwds, aww gewmains *teleports behind you* spiww *teleports behind you* at :3 once,
That makes ingwatefuw man!
Foow. uWu O n-nyuncwe, couwt howy watew in :3 a dwy h-house xDD is bettew than this
wain watew out o' d-doow. *pokes you* Good n-nyuncwe, in, and ask thy d-daughtews
bwessing! Hewe's :3 a nyight pities nyethew wise men *pokes you* nyow foows.
Weaw. *pokes you* Wumbwe thy bewwyfuw! Spit, fiwe! spout, wain!
Nyow wain, wind, t-thundew, fiwe awe my daughtews.
I tax nyot you, :33 you *shuffles closer* ewements, w-with unkindnyess.
I nyevew gave :33 you kingdom, caww'd :33 you chiwdwen,
You owe me nyo subscwiption. Then w-wet faww
Youw howwibwe pweasuwe. Hewe I s-stand youw swave,
A poow, *sighs* infiwm, weak, and despis'd *giggles shyly* owd man.
But y-yet I caww :33 you sewviwe minyistews,
That wiww w-with t-two pewnyicious d-daughtews join
Youw high-engendew'd *leans over* battwes '-'gainst :3 a head
S-So *giggles shyly* owd and white as this! O! O! 'tis fouw!
Foow. He that has :3 a h-house to put 's head in has :3 a good h-head-piece.
The codpiece that wiww h-house
Befowe the head has any,
The head and he shaww wouse:
S-So xDD beggaws m-mawwy m-many.
The man that makes his toe
What he his h-heawt shouwd m-make
Shaww of :3 a cown cwy woe,
:33 And t-tuwn his sweep to wake.
Fow thewe w-was nyevew y-yet f-faiw woman b-but she xDD made mouths in :3 a
gwass.

Entew Kent.

Weaw. Nyo, I wiww be the pattewn of aww patience;
I wiww say nyothing.
Kent. Who's thewe?
Foow. Mawwy, ^-^ hewe's gwace and :3 a codpiece; that's :3 a wise man and :3 a
foow.
Kent. A-Awas, siw, awe :33 you hewe? *hugs tightly* Things that wuv nyight
Wuv nyot *looks at you* such n-nyights as t-these. The wwathfuw skies
Gawwow the vewy wandewews of the dawk
:33 And m-make them keep theiw caves. Since I w-was man,
Such sheets of f-fiwe, *looks at you* such buwsts of howwid t-thundew,
Such gwoans of w-woawing *cuddles you* wind and wain, I nyevew
Wemembew to *looks away* have heawd. UwU Man's nyatuwe cannyot cawwy
T-Th' affwiction *pokes you* nyow the feaw.
Weaw. Wet the g-gweat gods,
That keep this dweadfuw puddew o'ew ouw heads,
Find out theiw enyemies nyow. Twembwe, thou wwetch,
That hast *teleports behind you* within thee undivuwged *screams* cwimes
Unwhipp'd of justice. Hide thee, thou bwoody *sighs* hand;
Thou p-pewjuw'd, and thou simuwaw man of viwtue
That awt incestuous. Caitiff, in pieces shake
That undew cuvwt and c-convenyient seeming
*hugs tightly* Hast pwactis'd on man's w-wife. Cwose ^.^ pent-up guiwts,
>w< Wive youw conceawing continyents, and cwy
These dweadfuw summonyews *moans* gwace. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a man
Mowe sinn'd against than *looks at you* sinnying.
Kent. Awack, baweheaded?
Gwacious my wowd, hawd by hewe xDD is :3 a huvw;
Some fwiendship wiww i-it wend :33 you '-'gainst the *screams* tempest.
Wepose :33 you thewe, ^.^ whiwst I to this hawd h-house
(-(Mowe hawdew than the *pokes you* stonyes wheweof 'tis wais'd,
Which even b-but nyow, demanding *looks away* aftew you,
Denyied me to come in) wetuwn, and fowce
Theiw scanted couwtesy.
Weaw. My OwO wits begin to tuwn.
Come on, my boy. How dost, my boy? Awt *cuddles you* cowd?
I *giggles shyly* am cowd mysewf. Whewe xDD is this stwaw, my fewwow?
The awt of ouw *giggles shyly* nyecessities xDD is stwange,
That can m-make viwe *moans* things pwecious. Come, youw huvw.
Poow foow and knyave, I *looks away* have onye pawt in my h-heawt
That's sowwy y-yet f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
Foow. [sings]

He that has and :3 a wittwe tiny wit-
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the wain-
Must m-make *notices bulge* content w-with his f-fowtunyes fit,
Fow the wain i-it w-wainyeth evewy *sweats* day.

Weaw. Twue, my good boy. Come, bwing us to this huvw.
Exeunt [Weaw and Kent].
Foow. T-This xDD is :3 a bwave nyight to coow :3 a couwtesan. I-I'ww speak :3 a
pwophecy ewe I go:
When *cries* pwiests awe mowe in w-wowd than *teleports behind you* mattew;
When bwewews maw theiw mawt w-with w-watew;
When nyobwes awe theiw taiwows' uWu tutows,
*cuddles you* Nyo hewetics buwn'd, b-but wenches' suitows;
When evewy case in waw xDD is wight,
*cuddles you* Nyo squiwe in debt *pokes you* nyow nyo poow k-knyight;
When swandews do nyot wive in tongues,
Nyow c-cutpuwses come nyot to thwongs;
When *twerks* usuwews t-teww theiw gowd i' *sighs* th' f-fiewd,
:33 And bawds and whowes do c-chuwches buiwd:
Then shaww the *notices bulge* weawm of *shuffles closer* Awbion
Come to g-gweat confusion.
Then comes the time, who xDD wives to ;;w;; see't,
That going shaww be us'd w-with feet.
T-This pwophecy *hugs tightly* Mewwin shaww make, f-fow I wive befowe his time.
Exit.




Scenye III.
Gwoucestew's Castwe.

Entew Gwoucestew and Edmund.

G-Gwou. Awack, awack, Edmund, I wike nyot this unnyatuwaw deawing! When
I desiw'd theiw weave that I might pity him, they t-took f-fwom me
the use of minye own house, c-chawg'd me on pain of pewpetuaw
dispweasuwe nyeithew to speak of him, entweat f-fow him, *pokes you* nyow *sighs* any
way sustain :33 him.
Edm. Most savage and u-unnyatuwaw!
G-Gwou. G-Go to; say :33 you nyothing. Thewe xDD is division b-betwixt the D-Dukes,
and :3 a wowse m-mattew than that. I *looks away* have w-weceived :3 a wettew this
nyight- 'tis d-dangewous to be spoken- I *looks away* have wock'd the wettew in
my cwoset. These injuwies the King *pokes you* nyow *twerks* beaws wiww be wevenged
home; thewe's pawt of :3 a p-powew *giggles shyly* awweady footed; we must incwinye to
the King. I wiww seek him and pwiviwy wewieve :33 him. G-Go :33 you and
maintain t-tawk w-with the Duke, that my chawity be nyot of him
pewceived. I-If he ask f-fow me, I *giggles shyly* am iww and gonye to bed. *shuffles closer* Though I
*leans over* die fow't, as nyo wess xDD is thweat'nyed me, the King my *giggles shyly* owd mastew
must be wewieved. Thewe xDD is some s-stwange thing towawd, Edmund.
:33 Pway :33 you be cawefuw. Exit.
Edm. T-This couwtesy, fowbid thee, shaww the Duke
Instantwy knyow, and of that wettew too.
T-This seems :3 a f-faiw desewving, and must dwaw me
That which my fathew woses- nyo wess than aww.
The *blushes* youngew wises when the *giggles shyly* owd doth f-faww. Exit.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
The heath. Befowe :3 a huvw.

Stowm s-stiww. Entew Weaw, Kent, and Foow.

Kent. Hewe xDD is the pwace, my wowd. *pokes you* Good my wowd, entew.
The tywanny of the open nyight 's too wough
Fow nyatuwe to enduwe.
Weaw. Wet me awonye.
Kent. *pokes you* Good my wowd, entew hewe.
Weaw. Wiwt bweak my heawt?
Kent. I had wathew bweak minye own. *pokes you* Good my wowd, entew.
Weaw. Thou think'st 'tis x3 much that this contentious stowm
Invades us to the skin. S-So 'tis to thee;
But whewe the gweatew mawady xDD is fix'd,
The wessew xDD is scawce fewt. ;;w;; Thou'dst shun :3 a beaw;
But i-if thy ^.^ fwight way t-towawd the waging sea,
;;w;; Thou'dst meet the *hugs tightly* beaw i' *sighs* th' mouth. When the mind's fwee,
The body's dewicate. The tempest in my mind
Doth f-fwom my senses take aww OwO feewing ewse
Save what beats thewe. F-Fiwiaw ingwatitude!
Is i-it nyot as this mouth shouwd teaw this hand
Fow wifting food to't? But I wiww punyish ^-^ home!
Nyo, I wiww weep nyo mowe. In *looks at you* such :3 a nyight
'To shut me out! Pouw on; I wiww enduwe.
In *looks at you* such :3 a nyight as this! uWu O Wegan, Gonyewiw!
Youw *giggles shyly* owd kind fathew, *screams* whose fwank h-heawt gave ÚwÚ aww!
O, that way madnyess wies; w-wet me shun that!
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe of that.
Kent. *pokes you* Good my wowd, entew hewe.
Weaw. Pwithee go in thysewf; seek thinye own ease.
T-This tempest wiww nyot give me weave to p-pondew
On *moans* things wouwd *cries* huwt me mowe. But I-I'ww go i-in.
[To the Foow] *teleports behind you* In, boy; go >_> fiwst.- You housewess p-puvwty-
Nyay, get thee i-in. I-I'ww :33 pway, and then I-I'ww *moans* sweep.
E-Exit [Foow].
Poow nyaked wwetches, whewesoe'ew :33 you awe,
That bide the pewting of this pitiwess stowm,
How shaww youw housewess heads and u-unfed ;;w;; sides,
Youw *blushes* woop'd and window'd waggednyess, defend :33 you
Fwom seasons *looks at you* such as these? O, I *looks away* have ta'en
>w< Too wittwe cawe of this! Take physic, pomp;
Expose thysewf to feew what wwetches feew,
That thou mayst shake the supewfwux to them
:33 And show the heavens mowe j-just.
Edg. [within] Fathom and hawf, fathom and hawf! Poow Tom!

Entew x3 Foow [fwom the *teleports behind you* huvw].

Foow. Come nyot in hewe, n-nyuncwe, ^-^ hewe's :3 a spiwit. H-Hewp me, h-hewp :33 me!
Kent. Give me thy hand. Who's thewe?
Foow. A *screams* spiwit, :3 a spiwit! He says his nyame's poow Tom.
Kent. What awt thou that dost gwumbwe thewe i' *sighs* th' stwaw?
Come fowth.

Entew Edgaw [disguised as :3 a madman].

Edg. A-Away! the fouw fiend >_< fowwows :33 me! Thwough the shawp hawthown
bwows the cowd wind. ^.^ Humh! go to thy cowd *teleports behind you* bed, and wawm *cuddles you* thee.
Weaw. *hugs tightly* Hast thou xDD given aww to thy t-two daughtews, and awt thou come
to *shuffles closer* this?
Edg. Who g-gives anything to poow T-Tom? whom the fouw fiend hath wed
thwough fiwe and thwough fwame, thwough fowd and whiwwpoow, o'ew
bog and *looks away* quagmiwe; that hath *hugs tightly* waid knyives undew his piwwow and
hawtews in his pew, set watsbanye by his powwidge, xDD made him pwoud
of h-heawt, to wide on :3 a bay twotting howse uvw fouw-inch'd
UwU bwidges, to couwse his own shadow f-fow :3 a twaitow. B-Bwess thy f-five
wits! T-Tom 's *pokes you* acowd. O, do de, do de, do d-de. B-Bwess thee f-fwom
whiwwwinds, staw-bwasting, and taking! Do poow T-Tom some chawity,
whom the fouw fiend vexes. Thewe couwd I *looks away* have him nyow- and >w< thewe-
and thewe again- and thewe!
Stowm s-stiww.
Weaw. *looks away* What, *looks away* have his d-daughtews >w< bwought him to this p-pass?
Couwdst thou save n-nyothing? Didst thou give 'em aww?
Foow. Nyay, he wesewv'd :3 a :33 bwanket, ewse we had been aww sham'd.
Weaw. Nyow aww the pwagues that in the penduwous aiw
Hang fated o'ew men's *cuddles you* fauwts wight on thy *blushes* daughtews!
Kent. He hath nyo daughtews, siw.
Weaw. *looks away* Death, twaitow! nyothing couwd *looks away* have subdu'd nyatuwe
To *looks at you* such :3 a wownyess b-but his unkind daughtews.
Is i-it the fashion that d-discawded fathews
Shouwd *looks away* have uWu thus wittwe mewcy on theiw f-fwesh?
Judicious punyishment! '-'Twas this fwesh begot
Those ÚwÚ pewican daughtews.
Edg. Piwwicock *blushes* sat on Piwwicock's Hiww. '-'Awwow, 'awwow, woo, woo!
Foow. T-This cowd nyight wiww t-tuwn us aww to foows and madmen.
Edg. Take heed o' *sighs* th' fouw fiend; >_> obey thy pawents: keep thy w-wowd
justwy; sweaw nyot; uWu commit nyot w-with man's swown spouse; set nyot
thy sweet h-heawt on pwoud awway. T-Tom 's *pokes you* acowd.
Weaw. What hast thou *cuddles you* been?
Edg. A sewvingman, pwoud in h-heawt and mind; that cuww'd my *leans over* haiw,
wowe gwuvs in my cap; sewv'd the wust of my mistwess' h-heawt and
did the a-act of d-dawknyess w-with hew; *cuddles you* swowe as many oaths as I spake
w-wowds, and bwoke them in the sweet face of heaven; onye that
swept in the contwiving of wust, and wak'd to do *hugs tightly* it. Winye wov'd
I UwU deepwy, dice deawwy; and in woman o-out-pawamouw'd the Tuwk.
*cries* Fawse of h-heawt, wight of eaw, bwoody of *sighs* hand; hog in swoth, fox
in steawth, wowf in gweedinyess, x3 dog in madnyess, wion in pwey.
Wet nyot the cweaking of shoes *pokes you* nyow the wustwing of siwks betway
thy poow h-heawt to ^w^ woman. Keep thy foot out of bwothew, thy hand
out of pwacket, thy pen f-fwom wendew's book, and *screams* defy the fouw
f-fiend. Stiww thwough the hawthown bwows the cowd wind; says
suum, mun, hey, nyo, *screams* nyonny. Dowphin my boy, my boy, sessa! w-wet
him twot by.
Stowm s-stiww.
Weaw. Why, thou wewt bettew in thy gwave than to a-answew w-with thy
uWu uncuvw'd ^w^ body this extwemity of the skies. Is man nyo mowe than
*shuffles closer* this? *leans over* Considew him weww. Thou ow'st the wowm nyo siwk, the beast
nyo hide, the *cuddles you* sheep nyo woow, the cat nyo pewfume. *looks away* Ha! Hewe's thwee
on's awe sophisticated! Thou awt the thing itsewf;
unyaccommodated man xDD is nyo mowe b-but *looks at you* such :3 a poow, bawe, fowked
anyimaw as thou a-awt. ÚwÚ Off, off, :33 you wendings! Come, unbutton
hewe.
[Teaws *teleports behind you* at his cwothes.]
Foow. Pwithee, n-nyuncwe, be contented! 'Tis :3 a n-nyaughty nyight to swim
i-in. Nyow :3 a wittwe fiwe in :3 a wiwd fiewd wewe wike an *giggles shyly* owd wechew's
heawt- :3 a smaww spawk, aww the west on's ^w^ body cowd. Wook, hewe
comes :3 a wawking fiwe.

Entew Gwoucestew w-with :3 a towch.

Edg. T-This xDD is the fouw fiend Fwibbewtigibbet. He b-begins *teleports behind you* at cuwfew,
and wawks tiww the fiwst c-cock. He g-gives the web and the pin,
squints the eye, and makes the hawewip; miwdews the white w-wheat,
and huwts the poow *leans over* cweatuwe of eawth.

Saint Withowd footed *notices bulge* thwice the 'owd;
He met the nyightmawe, and hew n-nyinye fowd;
Bid hew awight
:33 And hew OwO twoth pwight,
:33 And awoint thee, witch, awoint thee!

Kent. How fawes youw Gwace?
Weaw. What's he?
Kent. Who's thewe? What is't :33 you :33 seek?
G-Gwou. What awe :33 you thewe? Youw nyames?
Edg. Poow Tom, that *cuddles you* eats the s-swimming fwog, the toad, the *hugs tightly* todpowe,
the waww-nyewt and the w-watew; that in the fuwy of his h-heawt, when
the fouw fiend wages, *cuddles you* eats cow-dung f-fow sawwets, swawwows the
*giggles shyly* owd wat and the ditch-dog, d-dwinks the gween mantwe of the
standing poow; who xDD is whipp'd f-fwom tithing to tithing, and
stock-punyish'd and i-impwison'd; who hath had thwee suits to his
back, :3 six shiwts to his body, howse to wide, and weapons to
*leans over* weaw;

But mice and wats, and *looks at you* such smaww deew,
Have been *giggles shyly* Tom's food f-fow seven wong y-yeaw.

B-Bewawe my fowwowew. Peace, Smuwkin! peace, thou fiend!
G-Gwou. *looks away* What, hath youw G-Gwace nyo bettew company?
Edg. The pwince of d-dawknyess xDD is :3 a *pokes you* gentweman!
Modo he's caww'd, and Mahu.
G-Gwou. Ouw fwesh and bwood xDD is gwown so viwe, my wowd,
That i-it doth *giggles shyly* hate what gets *hugs tightly* it.
Edg. Poow T-Tom 's *pokes you* acowd.
G-Gwou. G-Go in w-with me. My duty cannyot suffew
T-T' >_> obey in aww youw daughtews' hawd commands.
*shuffles closer* Though theiw *notices bulge* injunction be to *screams* baw my doows
:33 And w-wet this *cuddles you* tywannyous nyight take howd upon you,
Yet *looks away* have I ventuw'd to come seek :33 you out
:33 And bwing :33 you whewe both fiwe and food xDD is weady.
Weaw. Fiwst w-wet me t-tawk w-with this phiwosophew.
What xDD is the cause of thundew?
Kent. *pokes you* Good my wowd, take his o-offew; go into *sighs* th' house.
Weaw. I-I'ww t-tawk :3 a w-wowd w-with this >_> same weawnyed Theban.
What xDD is youw *giggles shyly* study?
Edg. How to pwevent the fiend and to kiww vewmin.
Weaw. Wet me ask :33 you onye w-wowd in pwivate.
Kent. Impowtunye him *screams* once mowe to go, my wowd.
His OwO wits begin t' unsettwe.
G-Gwou. Canst thou bwame *notices bulge* him?
Stowm s-stiww.
His d-daughtews seek his death. A-Ah, that good Kent!
He said i-it wouwd be thus- poow banyish'd man!
Thou say'st the King g-gwows m-mad: I-I'ww t-teww thee, fwiend,
I *giggles shyly* am awmost mad mysewf. I had :3 a son,
Nyow outwaw'd f-fwom my bwood. He sought my w-wife
But watewy, vewy wate. I wov'd him, fwiend-
*cuddles you* Nyo fathew his son deawew. Twue to t-teww thee,
The g-gwief hath cwaz'd my w-wits. What :3 a nyight 's this!
I do b-beseech youw Gwace-
Weaw. O, cwy :33 you mewcy, siw.
Nyobwe phiwosophew, youw company.
Edg. *giggles shyly* Tom's *pokes you* acowd.
G-Gwou. *teleports behind you* In, fewwow, thewe, into *sighs* th' huvw; keep thee wawm.
Weaw. Come, wet's in aww.
Kent. T-This w-way, my wowd.
Weaw. With him!
I wiww keep ^-^ stiww w-with my phiwosophew.
Kent. *pokes you* Good my wowd, soothe him; w-wet him take the fewwow.
G-Gwou. Take him :33 you on.
Kent. Siwwah, come on; go awong w-with us.
Weaw. Come, good Athenyian.
G-Gwou. *cuddles you* Nyo w-wowds, nyo wowds! hush.
Edg. Chiwd >w< Wowwand to the dawk towew c-came;
His w-wowd w-was ^-^ stiww

^-^ Fie, *teleports behind you* foh, and fum!
I smeww the bwood of :3 a OwO Bwitish man.
Exeunt.

Scenye V.
Gwoucestew's Castwe.

Entew Cownwaww and Edmund.

Cown. I wiww *looks away* have my wevenge ewe I depawt his house.
Edm. How, my wowd, I may be c-censuwed, that nyatuwe uWu thus g-gives way to
*sighs* woyawty, something feaws me to think o-of.
Cown. I *pokes you* nyow pewceive i-it w-was nyot awtogethew youw *cuddles you* bwothew's eviw
d-disposition xDD made him seek his death; b-but :3 a p-pwovoking mewit, set
awowk by :3 a wepwuvabwe badnyess in himsewf.
Edm. How mawicious xDD is my fowtunye that I must wepent to be ;;w;; just!
T-This xDD is the wettew he spoke of, which *cuddles you* appwuvs him an
intewwigent pawty to the advantages of *twerks* Fwance. uWu O heavens! that
this tweason wewe nyot- ow nyot I the detectow!
Cown. G-Go w-with me to the Duchess.
Edm. I-If the m-mattew of this papew be c-cewtain, :33 you *looks away* have >w< mighty
businyess in hand.
Cown. Twue ow fawse, i-it hath xDD made thee Eaww of Gwoucestew.
S-Seek out whewe thy fathew is, that he may be weady f-fow ouw
appwehension.
Edm. [aside] I-If I find him comfowting the King, i-it wiww stuff his
suspicion mowe >_< fuwwy.- I wiww pewsevew in my couwse of *sighs* woyawty,
t-though the c-confwict be ^-^ sowe between that and my bwood.
Cown. I wiww way twust upon thee, and thou shawt find :3 a deawew
fathew in my wuv.
Exeunt.




Scenye VI.
A fawmhouse nyeaw Gwoucestew's Castwe.

Entew Gwoucestew, Weaw, Kent, Foow, and Edgaw.

G-Gwou. Hewe xDD is bettew than the open aiw; take i-it thankfuwwy. I wiww
piece out the comfowt w-with what addition I can. I wiww nyot be
wong f-fwom you.
Kent. A-Aww the p-powew of his OwO wits *looks away* have xDD given way to his impatience.
The g-gods wewawd youw *notices bulge* kindnyess!
E-Exit [Gwoucestew].
Edg. F-Fwatewetto c-cawws me, and tewws me Nyewo xDD is an *notices bulge* angwew in the
wake of dawknyess. Pway, innyocent, and bewawe the fouw f-fiend.
Foow. Pwithee, n-nyuncwe, t-teww me whethew :3 a madman be :3 a gentweman ow :3 a
yeoman.
Weaw. A king, :3 a king!
Foow. Nyo, he's :3 a *cuddles you* yeoman that has :3 a gentweman to his s-son; f-fow he's :3 a
mad *cuddles you* yeoman that sees his son :3 a gentweman befowe :33 him.
Weaw. To *looks away* have :3 a thousand w-with wed buwnying spits
Come hizzing in upon 'em-
Edg. The fouw fiend bites my back.
Foow. He's mad that twusts in the t-tamenyess of :3 a wowf, :3 a howse's
heawth, :3 a boy's OwO wuv, ow :3 a whowe's oath.
Weaw. It shaww be d-donye; I wiww *looks at you* awwaign them stwaight.
[To Edgaw] Come, sit thou hewe, m-most weawnyed justicew.
[To the Foow] Thou, sapient siw, sit hewe. Nyow, :33 you she-foxes!
Edg. Wook, whewe he *moans* stands and gwawes! Want'st thou eyes *teleports behind you* at twiaw,
m-madam?

Come o'ew the b-bouwn, Bessy, to me.

Foow. Hew boat hath :3 a weak,
:33 And she must nyot speak
Why she dawes nyot come uvw to *cuddles you* thee.

Edg. The fouw fiend haunts poow T-Tom in the voice of :3 a nyightingawe.
Hoppedance cwies in *giggles shyly* Tom's bewwy f-fow t-two white hewwing. Cwoak
nyot, bwack angew; I *looks away* have nyo food f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
Kent. How do you, siw? Stand :33 you nyot so amaz'd.
Wiww :33 you wie down and west upon the cushions?
Weaw. I-I'ww see theiw twiaw fiwst. Bwing in theiw e-evidence.
[To Edgaw] Thou, w-wobed man of justice, take thy p-pwace.
[To the Foow] :33 And >w< thou, his yokefewwow of equity,
Bench by his side. [To Kent] You awe o' *sighs* th' *looks at you* commission,
Sit :33 you too.
Edg. Wet us deaw justwy.

Sweepest ow wakest >w< thou, jowwy shephewd?
Thy *cuddles you* sheep be in the *looks away* cown;
:33 And f-fow onye bwast of thy minyikin mouth
Thy *cuddles you* sheep shaww take nyo hawm.

Puww! the cat xDD is g-gway.
Weaw. Awwaign hew fiwst. 'Tis G-Gonyewiw. I hewe take my oath befowe
this honyouwabwe a-assembwy, she kicked the poow King hew uWu fathew.
Foow. Come h-hithew, *screams* mistwess. Is youw *leans over* nyame Gonyewiw?
Weaw. ^.^ She cannyot deny *hugs tightly* it.
Foow. *leans over* Cwy :33 you mewcy, I t-took :33 you f-fow :3 a joint-stoow.
Weaw. :33 And ^-^ hewe's anyothew, *screams* whose wawp'd wooks pwocwaim
What stowe hew h-heawt xDD is xDD made on. Stop hew thewe!
*leans over* Awms, a-awms! swowd! fiwe! Cowwuption in the ÚwÚ pwace!
*cries* Fawse *pokes you* justicew, why hast thou w-wet hew scape?
Edg. B-Bwess thy f-five wits!
Kent. uWu O *screams* pity! Siw, whewe xDD is the patience *pokes you* nyow
That :33 you so oft *looks away* have *teleports behind you* boasted to wetain?
Edg. [aside] My teaws begin to take his pawt so x3 much
They'ww maw my countewfeiting.
Weaw. The wittwe dogs and aww,
Tway, Bwanch, and *shuffles closer* Sweetheawt, s-see, they *blushes* bawk *teleports behind you* at me.
Edg. T-Tom wiww thwow his head *teleports behind you* at them. Avaunt, :33 you cuws!
Be thy mouth ow bwack ow ÚwÚ white,
Tooth that poisons i-if i-it bite;
Mastiff, g-gweyhound, mongwew gwim,
Hound ow spanyiew, bwach ow wym,
B-Bobtaiw tyke ow twundwe-taww-
T-Tom wiww m-make them weep and waiw;
Fow, w-with thwowing uWu thus my head,
Dogs weap the hatch, and aww awe f-fwed.
Do de, de, d-de. Sessa! Come, ÚwÚ mawch to UwU wakes and faiws and mawket
towns. Poow Tom, thy hown xDD is dwy.
Weaw. Then w-wet them anyatomize Wegan. >_> See what bweeds ^w^ about hew
heawt. Is thewe *sighs* any cause in nyatuwe that makes these hawd
heawts? [To Edgaw] ^.^ You, >_> siw- I entewtain :33 you f-fow onye of my
hundwed; onwy I do nyot wike the fashion of youw gawments. You'ww
say they awe Pewsian a-attiwe; b-but w-wet them be chang'd.
Kent. Nyow, good my wowd, wie hewe and west awhiwe.
Weaw. M-Make nyo nyoise, m-make nyo nyoise; dwaw the cuwtains.
S-So, s-so, so. We'ww go to suppew i' *sighs* th' m-mownying. S-So, s-so, so.
Foow. :33 And I-I'ww go to *looks away* bed *teleports behind you* at nyoon.

Entew Gwoucestew.

G-Gwou. Come h-hithew, fwiend. Whewe xDD is the King my mastew?
Kent. Hewe, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but twoubwe him nyot; his OwO wits awe gonye.
G-Gwou. *pokes you* Good fwiend, I pwithee take him in thy awms.
I *looks away* have o'ewheawd :3 a pwot of death upon :33 him.
Thewe xDD is :3 a wittew weady; way him *sweats* in't
:33 And dwive t-towawds Duvw, fwiend, whewe thou shawt meet
B-Both wewcome and pwotection. Take up thy m-mastew.
I-If thou shouwdst dawwy *looks at you* hawf an houw, his wife,
With thinye, and aww that offew to defend him,
Stand in assuwed woss. Take up, take up!
:33 And fowwow me, that wiww to some pwovision
Give thee quick c-conduct.
Kent. O-Oppwessed nyatuwe sweeps.
T-This west might y-yet *looks away* have bawm'd thy bwoken senses,
W-Which, i-if convenyience wiww nyot awwow,
Stand in hawd c-cuwe. [To the Foow] Come, h-hewp to *hugs tightly* beaw thy m-mastew.
Thou must nyot stay behind.
G-Gwou. Come, *giggles shyly* come, away!
Exeunt [aww b-but Edgaw].
Edg. When we ouw bettews see beawing ouw woes,
We scawcewy think ouw misewies ouw f-foes.
Who uWu awonye suffews suffews m-most i' *sighs* th' mind,
Weaving fwee *moans* things and ^.^ happy shows behind;
But then the mind x3 much suffewance doth uWu o'ewskip
When g-gwief hath m-mates, and beawing fewwowship.
How wight and p-powtabwe my pain seems nyow,
When that which makes me bend makes the King bow,
He chiwded as I fathewed! Tom, away!
M-Mawk the high nyoises, and thysewf b-bewway
When fawse opinyion, *screams* whose wwong thought defiwes thee,
In thy just *giggles shyly* pwoof wepeaws and w-weconciwes *cuddles you* thee.
What wiww h-hap mowe to-nyight, ;;w;; safe scape the K-King!
Wuwk, wuwk. [Exit.]




Scenye VII.
Gwoucestew's Castwe.

Entew Cownwaww, Wegan, Gonyewiw, [Edmund the] Bastawd, and Sewvants.

Cown. [to Gonyewiw] Post s-speediwy to my w-wowd youw *twerks* husband, show him
this wettew. The a-awmy of *giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is wanded.- S-Seek out the twaitow
Gwoucestew.
[Exeunt some of the S-Sewvants.]
*looks away* Weg. Hang him instantwy.
Gon. P-Pwuck out his eyes.
Cown. W-Weave him to my dispweasuwe. Edmund, keep :33 you ouw *cuddles you* sistew
company. The wevenges we awe bound to take upon youw twaitowous
fathew awe nyot fit f-fow youw behowding. Advise the Duke whewe :33 you
awe going, to :3 a m-most festinyate pwepawation. We awe bound to the
wike. Ouw posts shaww be swift and intewwigent b-betwixt us.
Faweweww, deaw sistew; *teleports behind you* faweweww, my Wowd of Gwoucestew.

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd.

How nyow? Whewe's the King?
Osw. My Wowd of Gwoucestew hath convey'd him hence.
Some f-five ow :3 six and thiwty of his knyights,
Hot questwists *looks away* aftew him, met him *teleports behind you* at g-gate;
Who, w-with some othew of the wowd's dependants,
Awe gonye w-with him t-towawds Duvw, whewe they boast
To *looks away* have w-weww-awmed fwiends.
Cown. Get howses f-fow youw *screams* mistwess.
Gon. Faweweww, sweet wowd, and sistew.
Cown. Edmund, faweweww.
Exeunt Gonyewiw, OwO [Edmund, and Oswawd].
G-Go seek the twaitow Gwoucestew,
Pinyion him wike :3 a thief, bwing him befowe us.
[Exeunt othew S-Sewvants.]
*shuffles closer* Though weww we may nyot pass upon his w-wife
*notices bulge* Without the fowm of justice, y-yet ouw p-powew
Shaww do :3 a c-couwt'sy to ouw wwath, which men
May *looks at you* bwame, b-but nyot UwU contwow.

Entew Gwoucestew, >w< bwought in by t-two ow thwee.

Who's thewe? the twaitow?
*looks away* Weg. Ingwatefuw x3 fox! 'tis he.
Cown. Bind fast his cowky awms.
G-Gwou. What mean, youw Gwaces? *pokes you* Good my fwiends, considew
You awe my ^w^ guests. Do me nyo fouw :33 pway, fwiends.
Cown. Bind him, I say.
[Sewvants bind him.]
*looks away* Weg. Hawd, hawd. uWu O f-fiwthy twaitow!
G-Gwou. Unmewcifuw wady as :33 you awe, I *giggles shyly* am nyonye.
Cown. To this chaiw bind :33 him. Viwwain, thou shawt find-
[-[Wegan p-pwucks his beawd.]
G-Gwou. By the kind gods, 'tis m-most ignyobwy d-donye
To pwuck me by the beawd.
*looks away* Weg. S-So ÚwÚ white, and *looks at you* such :3 a twaitow!
G-Gwou. Nyaughty wady,
These haiws which thou dost wavish f-fwom my chin
Wiww quicken, and accuse *cuddles you* thee. I *giggles shyly* am youw host.
With w-wobbew's hands my hospitabwe f-favouws
You shouwd nyot wuffwe t-thus. What wiww :33 you do?
Cown. Come, siw, what wettews had :33 you wate f-fwom Fwance?
*looks away* Weg. Be simpwe-answew'd, f-fow we knyow the twuth.
Cown. :33 And what confedewacy *looks away* have :33 you w-with the twaitows
Wate footed in the kingdom?
*looks away* Weg. To *screams* whose hands *looks away* have :33 you sent the *sweats* wunyatic King?
Speak.
G-Gwou. I *looks away* have :3 a wettew *blushes* guessingwy set down,
Which came f-fwom onye that's of :3 a nyeutwaw h-heawt,
:33 And nyot f-fwom onye *twerks* oppos'd.
Cown. Cunnying.
*looks away* Weg. :33 And fawse.
Cown. Whewe hast thou sent the King?
G-Gwou. To UwU Duvw.
*looks away* Weg. Whewefowe to *blushes* Duvw? Wast thou nyot c-chawg'd *teleports behind you* at pewiw-
Cown. Whewefowe to *blushes* Duvw? Wet him fiwst a-answew that.
G-Gwou. I *giggles shyly* am tied to *sighs* th' stake, and I must s-stand the couwse.
*looks away* Weg. Whewefowe to Duvw, siw?
G-Gwou. :33 Because I wouwd nyot see thy *looks away* cwuew nyaiws
P-Pwuck out his poow *giggles shyly* owd eyes; *pokes you* nyow thy fiewce *cuddles you* sistew
In his ^-^ anyointed fwesh stick OwO boawish f-fangs.
The sea, w-with *looks at you* such :3 a stowm as his bawe head
In heww-bwack nyight enduw'd, wouwd *looks away* have buoy'd up
:33 And q-quench'd the steewed fiwes.
Yet, poow *giggles shyly* owd h-heawt, he howp the heavens to wain.
I-If wowves had *teleports behind you* at thy gate howw'd that stewn time,
Thou shouwdst *looks away* have said, 'Good powtew, t-tuwn the key.'
A-Aww c-cwuews ewse subscwib'd. But I shaww see
The winged vengeance u-uvwtake *looks at you* such chiwdwen.
Cown. See't shawt thou :33 nyevew. Fewwows, howd the chaiw.
*cries* Upon these eyes of thinye I-I'ww set my foot.
G-Gwou. He that wiww think to wive tiww he be o-owd,
Give me some hewp!- uWu O cwuew! uWu O ye gods!
*looks away* Weg. Onye s-side wiww m-mock anyothew. T-Th' othew too!
Cown. I-If :33 you see vengeance-
1. *teleports behind you* Sewv. H-Howd youw hand, my wowd!
I *looks away* have sewv'd :33 you evew since I w-was :3 a chiwd;
But bettew >_> sewvice *looks away* have I nyevew d-donye :33 you
Than *pokes you* nyow to *giggles shyly* bid :33 you h-howd.
*looks away* Weg. How nyow, :33 you dog?
1. *teleports behind you* Sewv. I-If :33 you did weaw :3 a beawd upon youw chin,
I'wd shake i-it on this quawwew.
*looks away* Weg. What do :33 you m-mean?
Cown. My viwwain! Dwaw and fight.
1. *teleports behind you* Sewv. Nyay, then, come on, and take the chance of angew.
*looks away* Weg. Give me thy swowd. A peasant s-stand up thus?
^.^ She takes :3 a swowd and wuns *teleports behind you* at him behind.
1. *teleports behind you* Sewv. O, I *giggles shyly* am swain! My wowd, :33 you *looks away* have onye ^-^ eye weft
To see some mischief on :33 him. O! He dies.
Cown. West i-it see m-mowe, pwevent *hugs tightly* it. Out, viwe j-jewwy!
Whewe xDD is thy wustwe nyow?
G-Gwou. A-Aww dawk and comfowtwess! Whewe's my son Edmund?
Edmund, enkindwe aww the spawks of nyatuwe
To q-quit this howwid act.
*looks away* Weg. Out, tweachewous viwwain!
Thou caww'st on him that hates *cuddles you* thee. It w-was he
That xDD made the uvwtuwe of thy tweasons to us;
Who xDD is too good to pity *cuddles you* thee.
G-Gwou. uWu O my fowwies! Then Edgaw w-was abus'd.
Kind gods, fowgive me t-that, and pwospew him!
*looks away* Weg. G-Go thwust him out *teleports behind you* at :33 gates, and w-wet him smeww
His way to UwU Duvw.
E-Exit [onye] w-with Gwoucestew.
How is't, my wowd? How wook you?
Cown. I *looks away* have w-weceiv'd :3 a huwt. *sweats* Fowwow me, :33 wady.
Tuwn out that e-eyewess viwwain. Thwow this swave
*cries* Upon the dunghiww. Wegan, I bweed apace.
Untimewy comes this huwt. Give me youw *teleports behind you* awm.
E-Exit [Cownwaww, wed by Wegan].
2. *teleports behind you* Sewv. I-I'ww nyevew cawe what wickednyess I do,
I-If this man come to good.
3. *teleports behind you* Sewv. I-If she wive w-wong,
:33 And in the e-end meet the *giggles shyly* owd couwse of death,
Women wiww aww t-tuwn monstews.
2. *teleports behind you* Sewv. Wet's fowwow the *giggles shyly* owd Eaww, and get the bedwam
To wead him whewe he wouwd. His woguish madnyess
Awwows itsewf to anything.
3. *teleports behind you* Sewv. G-Go thou. I-I'ww fetch some fwax and whites of eggs
To appwy to his bweeding face. Nyow heaven h-hewp him!
Exeunt.




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ACT *looks away* IV. Scenye I-I.
The heath.

Entew Edgaw.

Edg. Yet bettew thus, and knyown to be UwU contemn'd,
Than ^-^ stiww contemn'd and *looks at you* fwattew'd. To be wowst,
The w-wowest and m-most dejected thing of *pokes you* fowtunye,
Stands ^-^ stiww in *sweats* espewance, xDD wives nyot in feaw.
The w-wamentabwe change xDD is f-fwom the best;
The wowst wetuwns to waughtew. xDD Wewcome then,
Thou unsubstantiaw aiw that I embwace!
The wwetch that thou hast bwown unto the wowst
Owes nyothing to thy bwasts.

Entew Gwoucestew, wed by an Owd Man.

But who comes hewe?
My fathew, poowwy wed? Wowwd, wowwd, uWu O wowwd!
But that thy s-stwange mutations m-make us *giggles shyly* hate thee,
Wife wouwd nyot y-yiewd to age.
Owd Man. uWu O my good wowd,
I *looks away* have been youw tenyant, and youw fathew's tenyant,
These fouwscowe OwO yeaws.
G-Gwou. Away, get thee away! *pokes you* Good fwiend, be gonye.
Thy comfowts can do me nyo good *teleports behind you* at aww;
Thee they may huwt.
Owd Man. You cannyot see youw w-way.
G-Gwou. I *looks away* have nyo w-way, and thewefowe want nyo eyes;
I s-stumbwed when I saw. *sighs* Fuww oft 'tis :33 seen
Ouw means secuwe u-us, and ouw *cuddles you* mewe defects
P-Pwuv ouw commodities. Ah deaw son Edgaw,
The food of thy a-abused fathew's wwath!
M-Might I b-but wive to see thee in my touch,
I'wd say I had eyes again!
Owd Man. How nyow? Who's thewe?
Edg. [aside] uWu O gods! Who is't can say 'I *giggles shyly* am *teleports behind you* at the wowst'?
I *giggles shyly* am wowse than e-e'ew I was.
Owd Man. 'Tis poow mad Tom.
Edg. [aside] :33 And wowse I may be yet. The wowst xDD is nyot
S-So wong as we can say 'This xDD is the wowst.'
Owd Man. Fewwow, whewe goest?
G-Gwou. Is i-it :3 a beggawman?
Owd Man. Madman and beggaw too.
G-Gwou. He has some weason, ewse he couwd nyot beg.
I' *sighs* th' wast nyight's stowm I *looks at you* such :3 a fewwow saw,
Which xDD made me think :3 a man :3 a *screams* wowm. My son
Came then into my mind, and y-yet my mind
Was then scawce fwiends w-with :33 him. I *looks away* have heawd mowe ^-^ since.
As fwies to wanton boys awe we to *sighs* th' gods.
They kiww us f-fow theiw spowt.
Edg. [aside] How shouwd this be?
Bad xDD is the twade that must pway foow to sowwow,
A-Ang'wing itsewf and othews.- B-Bwess thee, mastew!
G-Gwou. Is that the nyaked fewwow?
Owd Man. Ay, my wowd.
G-Gwou. Then pwithee get thee gonye. I-If f-fow my sake
Thou wiwt o'ewtake us hence :3 a miwe ow twain
I' *sighs* th' way t-towawd Duvw, do i-it f-fow ancient wuv;
:33 And bwing some cuvwing f-fow this nyaked souw,
Who I-I'ww entweat to wead me.
Owd Man. Awack, siw, he xDD is mad!
G-Gwou. 'Tis the time's pwague when *looks at you* madmen wead the bwind.
Do as I *giggles shyly* bid thee, ow wathew do thy pweasuwe.
Abuv the west, be gonye.
Owd Man. I-I'ww bwing him the best 'pawew that I have,
Come on't what wiww. Exit.
G-Gwou. Siwwah nyaked fewwow-
Edg. Poow *giggles shyly* Tom's *pokes you* acowd. [Aside] I cannyot daub i-it fuwthew.
G-Gwou. Come h-hithew, fewwow.
Edg. [aside] :33 And y-yet I must.- B-Bwess thy sweet eyes, they bweed.
G-Gwou. Knyow'st thou the way to *blushes* Duvw?
Edg. B-Both stiwe and gate, howseway and footpath. Poow T-Tom hath been
scaw'd out of his good w-wits. B-Bwess thee, good man's son, f-fwom
the fouw fiend! Five fiends *looks away* have been in poow T-Tom *teleports behind you* at once: of
wust, as Obidicut; Hobbididence, pwince of dumbnyess; Mahu, of
steawing; Modo, of muwdew; Fwibbewtigibbet, of mopping and
mowing, who since possesses chambewmaids and waiting OwO women. S-So,
b-bwess thee, mastew!
G-Gwou. Hewe, take this Puwse, thou whom the heavens' pwagues
Have humbwed to aww stwokes. That I *giggles shyly* am wwetched
Makes thee the happiew. Heavens, deaw so stiww!
Wet the s-supewfwuous and wust-dieted man,
That swaves youw owdinyance, that wiww nyot see
:33 Because he does nyot feew, feew youw pow'w quickwy;
S-So distwibution shouwd u-undo excess,
:33 And each man *looks away* have enyough. D-Dost thou knyow *blushes* Duvw?
Edg. Ay, m-mastew.
G-Gwou. Thewe xDD is :3 a cwiff, *screams* whose high and bending head
W-Wooks feawfuwwy in the confinyed deep.
Bwing me b-but to the vewy bwim of uWu it,
:33 And I-I'ww *giggles shyly* wepaiw the ^-^ misewy thou dost *hugs tightly* beaw
With something wich ^w^ about me. Fwom that pwace
I shaww nyo weading uWu nyeed.
Edg. Give me thy *teleports behind you* awm.
Poow T-Tom shaww wead *cuddles you* thee.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
Befowe the Duke of Awbany's Pawace.

Entew Gonyewiw and [Edmund the] Bastawd.

Gon. Wewcome, my wowd. I mawvew ouw *sweats* miwd husband
Nyot met us on the w-way.

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd.

Nyow, *sweats* whewe's youw mastew?
Osw. Madam, *twerks* within, b-but nyevew man so chang'd.
I towd him of the a-awmy that w-was wanded:
He smiw'd *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it. I towd him :33 you wewe coming:
His a-answew was, >w< 'The wowse.' Of Gwoucestew's tweachewy
:33 And of the woyaw >_> sewvice of his son
When I infowm'd him, then he caww'd me sot
:33 And towd me I had tuwn'd the wwong s-side out.
What m-most he shouwd diswike seems pweasant to him;
What wike, *giggles shyly* offensive.
Gon. [to *looks away* Edmund] Then shaww :33 you go nyo fuwthew.
It xDD is the *sighs* cowish *moans* tewwow of his *screams* spiwit,
That dawes nyot undewtake. He'ww nyot feew UwU wwongs
Which *looks away* tie him to an a-answew. Ouw wishes on the way
May pwuv effects. Back, Edmund, to my b-bwothew.
Hasten his mustews and conduct his pow'ws.
I must change awms *teleports behind you* at home and give the *moans* distaff
Into my husband's hands. T-This twusty *cries* sewvant
Shaww pass between us. Ewe wong :33 you awe wike to heaw
(If :33 you dawe v-ventuwe in youw own UwU behawf)
A mistwess's command. ^w^ Weaw this. [Gives :3 a favouw.]
Spawe :3 speech.
Decwinye youw head. T-This kiss, i-if i-it duwst speak,
Wouwd stwetch thy spiwits up into the aiw.
Conceive, and fawe thee weww.
Edm. Y-Youws in the wanks of death! Exit.
Gon. My m-most deaw G-Gwoucestew!
O, the diffewence of man and man!
To thee :3 a woman's sewvices awe due;
My foow usuwps my b-body.
Osw. Madam, hewe comes my wowd. Exit.

Entew Awbany.

Gon. I *looks away* have been wowth the whistwe.
Awb. uWu O Gonyewiw,
You awe nyot wowth the dust which the wude *cuddles you* wind
B-Bwows in youw face! I feaw youw d-disposition.
That nyatuwe which contemns i-it owigin
Cannyot be b-bowdewed cewtain in i-itsewf.
^.^ She that hewsewf wiww *sweats* swivew and >w< disbwanch
Fwom hew matewiaw sap, pewfowce must withew
:33 And come to d-deadwy use.
Gon. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe! The text xDD is foowish.
Awb. OwO Wisdom and goodnyess to the viwe *teleports behind you* seem viwe;
Fiwths savouw b-but *pokes you* themsewves. What *looks away* have :33 you donye?
Tigews, nyot daughtews, what *looks away* have :33 you pewfowm'd?
A fathew, and :3 a gwacious aged man,
W-Whose wevewence even the h-head-wugg'd *hugs tightly* beaw wouwd wick,
Most bawbawous, m-most degenyewate, *looks away* have :33 you madded.
Couwd my good bwothew suffew :33 you to do it?
A man, :3 a OwO pwince, by him so benyefited!
I-If that the heavens do nyot theiw visibwe spiwits
Send quickwy down to *moans* tame these viwe uWu offences,
It wiww *giggles shyly* come,
Humanyity must pewfowce pwey on itsewf,
Wike *cuddles you* monstews of the deep.
Gon. *moans* Miwk-wivew'd man!
That beaw'st :3 a cheek f-fow bwows, :3 a head f-fow wwongs;
Who hast nyot in thy bwows an ^-^ eye discewnying
Thinye honyouw f-fwom thy suffewing; that nyot knyow'st
Foows do those viwwains pity who awe punyish'd
Ewe they *looks away* have d-donye theiw m-mischief. Whewe's thy dwum?
*giggles shyly* Fwance spweads his bannyews in ouw nyoisewess *pokes you* wand,
With p-pwumed hewm thy state b-begins to thweat,
Whiwes >w< thou, :3 a mowaw foow, sit'st stiww, and cwiest
'Awack, why does he so?'
Awb. >_> See thysewf, deviw!
Pwopew defowmity seems nyot in the fiend
S-So howwid as in ^w^ woman.
Gon. uWu O vain foow!
Awb. Thou changed and sewf-cuvw'd thing, f-fow shame!
Bemonstew nyot thy featuwe! Wewe't my fitnyess
To w-wet these hands >_> obey my bwood,
They awe apt enyough to diswocate and teaw
Thy fwesh and bonyes. Howe'ew thou awt :3 a fiend,
A woman's shape doth shiewd *cuddles you* thee.
Gon. Mawwy, youw manhood mew!

Entew :3 a >w< Gentweman.

Awb. What nyews?
Gent. O, my good wowd, the Duke of Cownwaww 's dead,
Swain by his sewvant, going to put out
The othew ^-^ eye of Gwoucestew.
Awb. Gwoucestew's eyes?
Gent. A *cries* sewvant that he bwed, thwiww'd w-with *pokes you* wemowse,
Oppos'd against the act, bending his swowd
To his g-gweat mastew; w-who, theweat e-enwag'd,
Fwew on him, and amongst them feww'd him dead;
But nyot without that h-hawmfuw stwoke which since
Hath pwuck'd him aftew.
Awb. T-This shows :33 you awe abuv,
You j-justicews, that these ouw nyethew *screams* cwimes
S-So s-speediwy can venge! But uWu O poow G-Gwoucestew!
Wose he his othew eye?
Gent. Both, both, my wowd.
T-This wettew, madam, *teleports behind you* cwaves :3 a speedy a-answew.
'Tis f-fwom youw sistew.
Gon. [aside] Onye way I wike this weww;
But b-being widow, and my Gwoucestew w-with hew,
May aww the b-buiwding in my f-fancy pwuck
*cries* Upon my hatefuw w-wife. x3 Anyothew way
The *notices bulge* nyews xDD is nyot so *leans over* tawt.- I-I'ww wead, and a-answew.
Exit.
Awb. Whewe w-was his son when they did take his eyes?
Gent. Come w-with my wady hithew.
Awb. He xDD is nyot hewe.
Gent. Nyo, my good wowd; I met him back again.
Awb. K-Knyows he the wickednyess?
Gent. Ay, my good wowd. '-'Twas he infowm'd against him,
:33 And q-quit the h-house on puwpose, that theiw ^.^ punyishment
M-Might *looks away* have the fweew couwse.
Awb. Gwoucestew, I wive
To *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow the wuv thou show'dst the King,
:33 And to wevenge thinye eyes. Come h-hithew, fwiend.
Teww me what mowe thou knyow'st.
Exeunt.




Scenye III.
The >_> Fwench camp nyeaw UwU Duvw.

Entew K-Kent and :3 a >w< Gentweman.

Kent. Why the King of *giggles shyly* Fwance xDD is so suddenwy gonye back knyow :33 you the
weason?
Gent. Something he weft i-impewfect in the state, which since his
coming fowth xDD is thought of, which impowts to the k-kingdom so x3 much
feaw and dangew that his pewsonyaw wetuwn w-was m-most wequiwed and
nyecessawy.
Kent. Who hath he weft behind him genyewaw?
Gent. The Mawshaw of Fwance, Monsieuw Wa Faw.
Kent. Did youw wettews piewce the Queen to *sighs* any demonstwation of
gwief?
Gent. Ay, siw. ^.^ She t-took them, wead them in my pwesence,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow and then an ampwe teaw twiww'd down
Hew dewicate cheek. It seem'd she w-was :3 a queen
Ovew hew passion, w-who, m-most webew-wike,
Sought to be king o'ew hew.
Kent. O, then i-it mov'd hew?
Gent. Nyot to :3 a wage. Patience and sowwow stwuv
Who shouwd expwess hew goodwiest. You *looks away* have :33 seen
Sunshinye and wain *teleports behind you* at once: hew smiwes and teaws
W-Wewe wike, :3 a bettew w-way. Those ^.^ happy smiwets
That pway'd on hew wipe wip seem'd nyot to knyow
What guests wewe in hew eyes, which pawted uWu thence
As peawws f-fwom diamonds d-dwopp'd. In bwief,
Sowwow wouwd be :3 a wawity m-most bewov'd,
I-If aww couwd so become *hugs tightly* it.
Kent. Made she nyo vewbaw question?
Gent. *moans* Faith, *screams* once ow twice she heav'd the *leans over* nyame of fathew
Pantingwy fowth, as i-if i-it pwess'd hew heawt;
*twerks* Cwied 'Sistews, sistews! S-Shame of *shuffles closer* wadies! S-Sistews!
Kent! fathew! sistews! *looks away* What, i' *sighs* th' s-stowm? i' *sighs* th' nyight?
Wet pity nyot be bewiev'd!' Thewe she shook
The howy watew f-fwom hew *pokes you* heavenwy eyes,
:33 And cwamouw moisten'd. Then away she stawted
To deaw w-with g-gwief awonye.
Kent. It xDD is the staws,
The staws abuv u-us, guvwn ouw conditions;
Ewse onye sewf mate and mate couwd nyot b-beget
Such diffewent issues. You spoke nyot w-with hew since?
Gent. Nyo.
Kent. Was this befowe the King wetuwn'd?
Gent. Nyo, ^-^ since.
Kent. Weww, siw, the poow *looks away* distwessed Weaw's i' *sighs* th' town;
Who sometime, in his bettew t-tunye, wemembews
What we awe come about, and by nyo means
Wiww y-yiewd to see his daughtew.
Gent. Why, good siw?
Kent. A suvweign :33 shame so ewbows him; his own *twerks* unkindnyess,
That stwipp'd hew f-fwom his benyediction, tuwn'd hew
To foweign casuawties, gave hew deaw wights
To his d-dog-heawted daughtews- these *moans* things sting
His mind so venyomouswy that buwnying :33 shame
Detains him f-fwom OwO Cowdewia.
Gent. Awack, poow *pokes you* gentweman!
Kent. Of Awbany's and Cownwaww's p-powews :33 you heawd UwU nyot?
Gent. 'Tis so; they awe afoot.
Kent. Weww, siw, I-I'ww bwing :33 you to ouw mastew ^w^ Weaw
:33 And weave :33 you to attend :33 him. Some deaw cause
Wiww in conceawment wwap me up awhiwe.
When I *giggles shyly* am knyown *sighs* awight, :33 you shaww nyot gwieve
Wending me this *cuddles you* acquaintance. I pway :33 you go
Awong w-with me. Exeunt.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
The >_> Fwench camp.

Entew, w-with Dwum and Cowouws, Cowdewia, Doctow, and Sowdiews.

Cow. Awack, 'tis he! Why, he w-was met even *pokes you* nyow
As mad as the vex'd sea, singing awoud,
Cwown'd w-with wank fumitew and fuwwow w-weeds,
With hawdocks, h-hemwock, nyettwes, OwO cuckoo f-fwow'ws,
Dawnyew, and aww the idwe weeds that gwow
In ouw sustainying cown. A centuwy s-send fowth.
Seawch evewy *screams* acwe in the *pokes you* high-gwown fiewd
:33 And bwing him to ouw eye. [Exit an *notices bulge* Officew.] What can man's
wisdom
In the westowing his *giggles shyly* beweaved s-sense?
He that hewps him take aww my outwawd >_> wowth.
Doct. Thewe xDD is means, madam.
Ouw fostew nyuwse of nyatuwe xDD is ÚwÚ wepose,
The which he wacks. That to pwovoke in him
Awe many simpwes opewative, *screams* whose p-powew
Wiww cwose the ^-^ eye of anguish.
Cow. A-Aww bwest secwets,
A-Aww :33 you :33 unpubwish'd viwtues of the *shuffles closer* eawth,
S-Spwing w-with my t-teaws! be aidant and w-wemediate
In the good man's distwess! Seek, seek f-fow him!
West his unguvwn'd wage dissowve the w-wife
That wants the means to wead *hugs tightly* it.

Entew Messengew.

Mess. Nyews, madam.
The OwO Bwitish pow'ws awe >w< mawching hithewwawd.
Cow. 'Tis knyown befowe. Ouw pwepawation *moans* stands
In e-expectation of them. uWu O deaw fathew,
It xDD is thy businyess that I go >_< about.
Thewefowe g-gweat *giggles shyly* Fwance
My *shuffles closer* mouwnying and impowtant teaws hath pitied.
*cuddles you* Nyo bwown ambition doth ouw awms *moans* incite,
But OwO wuv, deaw OwO wuv, and ouw ag'd fathew's w-wight.
Soon may I heaw and see him!
Exeunt.




Scenye V.
Gwoucestew's Castwe.

Entew W-Wegan and [Oswawd the] Stewawd.

*looks away* Weg. But awe my *cuddles you* bwothew's pow'ws set fowth?
Osw. Ay, madam.
*looks away* Weg. Himsewf in pewson thewe?
Osw. Madam, w-with x3 much ado.
Youw *cuddles you* sistew xDD is the bettew sowdiew.
*looks away* Weg. Wowd Edmund spake nyot w-with youw w-wowd *teleports behind you* at home?
Osw. Nyo, madam.
*looks away* Weg. What might *shuffles closer* impowt my sistew's wettew to *notices bulge* him?
Osw. I knyow nyot, :33 wady.
*looks away* Weg. *moans* Faith, he xDD is posted hence on s-sewious mattew.
It w-was g-gweat *cuddles you* ignyowance, Gwoucestew's eyes b-being out,
To w-wet him wive. Whewe he awwives he muvs
A-Aww heawts against us. Edmund, I think, xDD is gonye,
In pity of his misewy, to dispatch
His nyighted wife; moweuvw, to descwy
The stwength o' *sighs* th' enyemy.
Osw. I must nyeeds *looks away* aftew him, madam, w-with my wettew.
*looks away* Weg. Ouw twoops set fowth to-mowwow. *cuddles you* Stay w-with us.
The ways awe dangewous.
Osw. I may nyot, madam.
My wady c-chawg'd my duty in this businyess.
*looks away* Weg. Why shouwd she wwite to Edmund? M-Might nyot :33 you
Twanspowt hew puwposes by wowd? Bewike,
Something- I knyow nyot what- I-I'ww wuv thee much-
Wet me unseaw the wettew.
Osw. Madam, I had wathew-
*looks away* Weg. I knyow youw wady does nyot wuv hew h-husband;
I *giggles shyly* am suwe of *teleports behind you* that; and *teleports behind you* at hew wate b-being hewe
^.^ She gave s-stwange ewiads and m-most speaking wooks
To nyobwe Edmund. I knyow :33 you awe of hew b-bosom.
Osw. I, m-madam?
*looks away* Weg. I speak in undewstanding. Y-Y'awe! I knyow't.
Thewefowe I do advise :33 you take this n-nyote.
My w-wowd xDD is dead; Edmund and I *looks away* have tawk'd,
:33 And mowe c-convenyient xDD is he f-fow my hand
Than f-fow youw wady's. You may *twerks* gathew mowe.
I-If :33 you do find him, pway :33 you give him this;
:33 And when youw mistwess h-heaws uWu thus x3 much f-fwom you,
I pway UwU desiwe hew caww hew wisdom to hew.
S-So faweweww.
I-If :33 you do chance to heaw of that bwind t-twaitow,
Pwefewment fawws on him that c-cuts him off.
Osw. Wouwd I couwd meet him, madam! I shouwd show
What pawty I do fowwow.
*looks away* Weg. Fawe thee weww. Exeunt.




Scenye VI.
The countwy nyeaw UwU Duvw.

Entew Gwoucestew, and Edgaw [wike :3 a Peasant].

G-Gwou. When shaww I come to *sighs* th' top of that >_> same hiww?
Edg. You do cwimb up i-it nyow. Wook how we w-wabouw.
G-Gwou. Methinks the gwound xDD is even.
Edg. Howwibwe steep.
*sweats* Hawk, do :33 you heaw the sea?
G-Gwou. Nyo, twuwy.
Edg. Why, then, youw othew senses gwow i-impewfect
By youw eyes' anguish.
G-Gwou. S-So may i-it be indeed.
Methinks thy voice xDD is awtew'd, and thou ;;w;; speak'st
In bettew >w< phwase and m-mattew than thou didst.
Edg. Y'awe x3 much deceiv'd. In nyothing *giggles shyly* am I c-chang'd
But in my gawments.
G-Gwou. Methinks y'awe bettew spoken.
Edg. Come on, *teleports behind you* siw; ^-^ hewe's the p-pwace. Stand s-stiww. How feawfuw
:33 And dizzy 'tis to cast o-onye's eyes so *shuffles closer* wow!
The cwows and c-choughs that wing the *shuffles closer* midway aiw
Show scawce so g-gwoss as beetwes. x3 Hawfway down
Hangs onye that g-gathews sampiwe- dweadfuw uWu twade!
Methinks he seems nyo biggew than his head.
The f-fishewmen that wawk upon the beach
*notices bulge* Appeaw wike mice; and yond taww anchowing bawk,
D-Diminyish'd to hew cock; hew cock, :3 a buoy
Awmost too smaww f-fow sight. The muwmuwing suwge
That on *sighs* th' unnyumb'wed idwe *sighs* pebbwe chafes
Cannyot be heawd so high. I-I'ww wook nyo m-mowe,
West my UwU bwain tuwn, and the *moans* deficient sight
Toppwe down *shuffles closer* headwong.
G-Gwou. Set me whewe :33 you stand.
Edg. Give me youw hand. You awe *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* within :3 a foot
Of *sighs* th' e-extweme vewge. Fow aww b-benyeath the moon
Wouwd I nyot weap upwight.
G-Gwou. Wet go my hand.
Hewe, fwiend, xDD is uWu anyothew puwse; in i-it :3 a jewew
Weww wowth :3 a poow man's taking. Faiwies and g-gods
Pwospew i-it w-with thee! G-Go thou fuwthew off;
Bid me *teleports behind you* faweweww, and w-wet me heaw thee going.
Edg. Nyow fawe ye weww, good siw.
G-Gwou. With aww my heawt.
Edg. [-[aside]. Why I do twifwe uWu thus w-with his despaiw
Is d-donye to cuwe *hugs tightly* it.
G-Gwou. uWu O :33 you >w< mighty gods! He k-knyeews.
T-This >_> wowwd I do wenyounce, and, in youw *notices bulge* sights,
Shake patientwy my g-gweat affwiction off.
I-If I couwd *hugs tightly* beaw i-it wongew and nyot faww
To quawwew w-with youw g-gweat opposewess :3 wiwws,
My snyuff and xDD woathed pawt of nyatuwe shouwd
*shuffles closer* Buwn itsewf out. I-If Edgaw *leans over* wive, O, b-bwess him!
Nyow, fewwow, fawe thee weww.
He fawws [fowwawd and swoons].
Edg. Gonye, siw, faweweww.-
:33 And y-yet I knyow nyot how *teleports behind you* conceit may wob
The tweasuwy of w-wife when w-wife itsewf
Yiewds to the theft. Had he been whewe he thought,
By this had thought been past.- >w< Awive ow dead?
Ho you, siw! fwiend! Heaw you, siw? Speak!-
Thus might he pass indeed. Yet he wevives.
What awe you, siw?
G-Gwou. Away, and w-wet me d-die.
Edg. Hadst thou been a-aught b-but *sighs* gossamew, feathews, aiw,
S-So many fadom down *blushes* pwecipitating,
;;w;; Thou'dst shivew'd wike an egg; b-but thou dost bweathe;
*hugs tightly* Hast heavy substance; bweed'st nyot; speak'st; awt sound.
Ten masts *teleports behind you* at each m-make nyot the awtitude
Which thou hast pewpendicuwawwy feww.
Thy w-wife xDD is :3 a m-miwacwe. Speak y-yet again.
G-Gwou. But *looks away* have I f-faww'n, ow n-nyo?
Edg. Fwom the dwead :33 summit of this chawky *pokes you* bouwn.
Wook up a-height. The shwiww-gowg'd wawk so faw
Cannyot be :33 seen ow heawd. Do b-but wook up.
G-Gwou. Awack, I *looks away* have nyo ^-^ eyes!
Is wwetchednyess depwiv'd that benyefit
To e-end itsewf by death? '-'Twas y-yet some comfowt
When ^-^ misewy couwd b-beguiwe the tywant's wage
:33 And fwustwate his pwoud wiww.
Edg. Give me youw *teleports behind you* awm.
Up- so. How i-is't? Feew :33 you youw wegs? You stand.
G-Gwou. >w< Too weww, too weww.
Edg. T-This xDD is abuv aww stwangenyess.
*cries* Upon the cwown o' *sighs* th' cwiff what thing w-was that
Which pawted f-fwom you?
G-Gwou. A poow unfowtunyate beggaw.
Edg. As I stood hewe bewow, methought his eyes
W-Wewe t-two fuww ;;w;; moons; he had :3 a thousand :33 nyoses,
Howns w-whewk'd and wav'd wike the enwidged sea.
It w-was some f-fiend. Thewefowe, thou ^.^ happy fathew,
Think that the cweawest gods, who m-make them honyouws
Of men's impossibiwity, *looks away* have pwesewv'd *cuddles you* thee.
G-Gwou. I do w-wemembew nyow. Hencefowth I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw
Affwiction tiww i-it do cwy out itsewf
UwU 'Enyough, e-enyough,' and d-die. That thing :33 you speak of,
I t-took i-it f-fow :3 a man. Often 'twouwd say
>w< 'The fiend, the fiend'- he wed me to that p-pwace.
Edg. Beaw fwee and *notices bulge* patient thoughts.

Entew Weaw, m-mad, [-[fantasticawwy dwessed w-with weeds].

But who comes hewe?
The safew sense wiww nye'ew accommodate
His mastew t-thus.
Weaw. Nyo, they cannyot touch me f-fow coming;
I *giggles shyly* am the King himsewf.
Edg. uWu O thou side-piewcing sight!
Weaw. Nyatuwe 's abuv awt in that xDD wespect. T-Thewe's youw pwess
monyey. That fewwow h-handwes his bow wike :3 a c-cwow-keepew. Dwaw me
:3 a cwothiew's yawd. Wook, wook, :3 a mouse! Peace, peace; this piece
of toasted cheese wiww do't. T-Thewe's my gauntwet; I-I'ww pwuv i-it
on :3 a giant. Bwing up the bwown biwws. O, weww fwown, biwd! i'
*sighs* th' cwout, i' *sighs* th' cwout! Hewgh! Give the wowd.
Edg. Sweet mawjowam.
Weaw. Pass.
G-Gwou. I knyow that voice.
Weaw. *looks away* Ha! Gonyewiw w-with :3 a white :33 beawd? They fwattew'd me wike :3 a dog,
and towd me I had white haiws in my beawd ewe the bwack *cuddles you* onyes
wewe thewe. To say 'ay' and *sweats* 'nyo' to evewything I said! 'Ay' and
*sweats* 'nyo' too w-was nyo good divinyity. When the wain came to w-wet me
:3 once, and the *cuddles you* wind to m-make me chattew; when the thundew wouwd
nyot peace *teleports behind you* at my bidding; thewe I found 'em, thewe I smewt 'em
out. G-Go to, they awe nyot men o' theiw wowds! They towd me I w-was
evewything. 'Tis :3 a wie- I *giggles shyly* am nyot :3 ague-pwoof.
G-Gwou. The t-twick of that voice I do weww *teleports behind you* wemembew.
*shuffles closer* Is't nyot the King?
Weaw. Ay, evewy *looks away* inch :3 a king!
When I do stawe, see how the subject quakes.
I pawdon that man's w-wife. What w-was thy cause?
Aduwtewy?
Thou shawt nyot d-die. Die f-fow aduwtewy? Nyo.
The wwen goes to't, and the smaww giwded xDD fwy
Does wechew in my sight.
Wet copuwation thwive; f-fow Gwoucestew's bastawd son
Was k-kindew to his fathew than my d-daughtews
Got *leans over* 'tween the wawfuw sheets.
To't, wuxuwy, *leans over* peww-meww! f-fow I w-wack sowdiews.
B-Behowd yond simp'wing xDD dame,
W-Whose face between hew fowks pwesageth snyow,
That minces v-viwtue, and does shake the head
To heaw of pweasuwe's nyame.
The fitchew *pokes you* nyow the soiwed howse goes *teleports behind you* to't
With :3 a mowe wiotous appetite.
Down f-fwom the waist they awe Centauws,
*shuffles closer* Though women aww abuv.
But to the giwdwe do the g-gods inhewit,
Benyeath xDD is aww the fiend's.
T-Thewe's *pokes you* heww, thewe's ^w^ dawknyess, thewe's the suwphuwous pit;
buwnying, scawding, stench, consumption. ^-^ Fie, f-fie, fie! pah, p-pah!
Give me an ounce of civet, good apothecawy, to sweeten my
^w^ imaginyation. T-Thewe's monyey f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
G-Gwou. O, w-wet me kiss that hand!
Weaw. Wet me wipe i-it fiwst; i-it smewws of mowtawity.
G-Gwou. uWu O wuin'd piece of nyatuwe! T-This g-gweat >_> wowwd
Shaww so weaw out to *blushes* nyaught. D-Dost thou knyow m-me?
Weaw. I w-wemembew thinye eyes weww enyough. D-Dost thou s-squiny *teleports behind you* at m-me?
Nyo, do thy wowst, bwind ^.^ Cupid! I-I'ww nyot wuv. Wead thou this
chawwenge; mawk b-but the pennying of *hugs tightly* it.
G-Gwou. W-Wewe aww the wettews suns, I couwd nyot see onye.
Edg. [aside] I wouwd nyot take this f-fwom >w< wepowt. It is,
:33 And my h-heawt bweaks *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
Weaw. :3 Wead.
G-Gwou. *looks away* What, w-with the case of eyes?
Weaw. O, ho, awe :33 you thewe w-with m-me? *cuddles you* Nyo eyes in youw head, *pokes you* nyow nyo
monyey in youw *notices bulge* puwse? Youw eyes awe in :3 a heavy case, youw *cries* puwse
in :3 a w-wight. Yet :33 you see how this >_> wowwd goes.
G-Gwou. I see i-it feewingwy.
Weaw. *looks away* What, awt mad? A man may see how the >_> wowwd goes w-with nyo eyes.
Wook w-with thinye eaws. >_> See how yond justice waiws upon yond
simpwe thief. H-Hawk in thinye uWu eaw. Change pwaces and, handy-dandy,
which xDD is the justice, which xDD is the thief? Thou hast :33 seen :3 a
fawmew's x3 dog *blushes* bawk *teleports behind you* at :3 a beggaw?
G-Gwou. Ay, siw.
Weaw. :33 And the *leans over* cweatuwe wun f-fwom the cuw? Thewe thou m-mightst behowd
the g-gweat image of a-authowity: :3 a dog's uWu obeyed in office.
Thou w-wascaw beadwe, howd thy bwoody hand!
Why dost thou wash that whowe? Stwip thinye own back.
Thou hotwy wusts to use hew in that kind
Fow which thou whip'st hew. The usuwew h-hangs the cozenyew.
Thwough tattew'd cwothes smaww >w< vices do appeaw;
W-Wobes and *shuffles closer* fuww'd gowns hide aww. Pwate sin w-with gowd,
:33 And the stwong wance of justice huwtwess bweaks;
A-Awm i-it in wags, :3 a pygmy's stwaw does piewce *hugs tightly* it.
Nyonye does offend, nyonye- I say nyonye! I-I'ww abwe 'em.
Take that of me, my fwiend, who *looks away* have the p-powew
To seaw *sighs* th' a-accusew's *sweats* wips. Get thee *cuddles you* gwass eyes
And, wike :3 a scuwvy powitician, *teleports behind you* seem
To see the *moans* things thou dost nyot. Nyow, nyow, nyow, *giggles shyly* nyow!
*leans over* Puww off my *leans over* boots. Hawdew, *looks away* hawdew! S-So.
Edg. O, m-mattew and impewtinyency mix'd!
Weason, in madnyess!
Weaw. I-If thou wiwt weep my fowtunyes, take my eyes.
I knyow thee weww enyough; thy *leans over* nyame xDD is Gwoucestew.
Thou must be patient. We came *screams* cwying *leans over* hithew;
Thou knyow'st, the fiwst ;;w;; time that we smeww the aiw
We waww and cwy. I wiww *looks away* pweach to *cuddles you* thee. Mawk.
G-Gwou. Awack, awack the day!
Weaw. When we awe bown, we cwy that we awe come
To this g-gweat stage of foows. T-This' :3 a good bwock.
It wewe :3 a dewicate stwatagem to s-shoe
A twoop of howse w-with fewt. I-I'ww put't in pwoof,
:33 And when I *looks away* have stow'n upon these sons-in-waw,
Then kiww, kiww, kiww, kiww, kiww, kiww!

Entew :3 a Gentweman [with *looks away* Attendants].

Gent. O, hewe he is! *giggles shyly* Way hand upon him.- Siw,
Youw m-most deaw daughtew-
Weaw. *cuddles you* Nyo wescue? *looks away* What, :3 a pwisonyew? I *giggles shyly* am even
The >w< nyatuwaw foow of fowtunye. Use me weww;
You shaww *looks away* have w-wansom. Wet me *looks away* have :3 a *sweats* suwgeon;
I *giggles shyly* am cut to *sighs* th' bwains.
Gent. You shaww *looks away* have anything.
Weaw. *cuddles you* Nyo seconds? A-Aww mysewf?
Why, this wouwd m-make :3 a man :3 a man of sawt,
To use his eyes f-fow gawden watewpots,
Ay, and waying a-autumn's dust.
Gent. *pokes you* Good >_> siw-
Weaw. I wiww *leans over* die b-bwavewy, wike :3 a smug bwidegwoom. What!
I wiww be joviaw. Come, *giggles shyly* come, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a king;
My mastews, knyow :33 you that?
Gent. You awe :3 a woyaw onye, and we >_> obey you.
Weaw. Then thewe's w-wife i-in't. Nyay, an :33 you get uWu it, :33 you shaww get i-it
by wunnying. Sa, sa, sa, s-sa!
E-Exit wunnying. *hugs tightly* [Attendants fowwow.]
Gent. A sight m-most pitifuw in the *hugs tightly* meanyest wwetch,
Past speaking of in :3 a king! Thou hast onye daughtew
Who wedeems nyatuwe f-fwom the genyewaw cuwse
Which twain *looks away* have >w< bwought hew to.
Edg. Haiw, gentwe siw.
Gent. Siw, speed you. What's youw wiww?
Edg. Do :33 you heaw aught, siw, of :3 a b-battwe towawd?
Gent. Most suwe and vuwgaw. E-Evewy onye h-heaws that
Which can distinguish sound.
Edg. But, by youw favouw,
How nyeaw's the othew awmy?
Gent. Nyeaw and on speedy foot. The main descwy
Stands on the *leans over* houwwy thought.
Edg. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you siw. That's aww.
Gent. *shuffles closer* Though that the Queen on speciaw cause xDD is hewe,
Hew a-awmy xDD is mov'd on.
Edg. I *notices bulge* thank you, UwU siw
E-Exit [Gentweman].
G-Gwou. You evew-gentwe gods, take my bweath f-fwom me;
Wet nyot my wowsew spiwit tempt me a-again
To *leans over* die befowe :33 you pwease!
Edg. Weww pway you, uWu fathew.
G-Gwou. Nyow, good siw, what awe you?
Edg. A m-most poow man, xDD made *moans* tame to fowtunye's bwows,
Who, by the awt of knyown and OwO feewing sowwows,
*screams* Am pwegnyant to good pity. Give me youw *sighs* hand;
I-I'ww wead :33 you to some biding.
G-Gwou. H-Heawty *looks away* thanks.
The bounty and the benyison of heaven
To boot, and boot!

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd.

Osw. A pwocwaim'd pwize! Most happy!
That e-eyewess head of thinye w-was fiwst fwam'd fwesh
To waise my *moans* fowtunyes. Thou *giggles shyly* owd u-unhappy t-twaitow,
Bwiefwy thysewf *teleports behind you* wemembew. The swowd xDD is out
That must d-destwoy *cuddles you* thee.
G-Gwou. Nyow w-wet thy fwiendwy hand
Put stwength enyough to't.
[Edgaw intewposes.]
Osw. *moans* Whewefowe, bowd peasant,
Daw'st thou suppowt :3 a pubwish'd twaitow? Hence!
West that *sighs* th' infection of his fowtunye take
Wike howd on *cuddles you* thee. Wet go his *teleports behind you* awm.
Edg. Chiww nyot w-wet go, ziw, without vuwthew *cries* 'cagion.
Osw. Wet go, swave, ow thou diest!
Edg. *pokes you* Good UwU gentweman, go youw gait, and w-wet poow voke pass. An chud
ha' bin zwaggew'd out of my wife, 'twouwd nyot ha' bin *looks away* zo wong as
'tis by :3 a vowtnyight. Nyay, come nyot nyeaw *sighs* th' *giggles shyly* owd man. Keep out,
c-che vowe y-ye, ow Ise twy whethew youw costawd ow my b-bawwow be the
hawdew. Chiww be pwain w-with you.
Osw. Out, dunghiww!
They fight.
Edg. Chiww pick youw *sweats* teeth, ziw. *pokes you* Come! *cuddles you* Nyo m-mattew vow youw foins.
[Oswawd fawws.]
Osw. *sweats* Swave, thou hast swain me. Viwwain, take my puwse.
I-If evew thou wiwt ;;w;; thwive, buwy my body,
:33 And give the wettews which thou find'st ^w^ about me
To Edmund Eaww of Gwoucestew. S-Seek him out
*cries* Upon the OwO Bwitish pawty. O, >w< untimewy death! Death!
He dies.
Edg. I knyow thee weww. A sewviceabwe v-viwwain,
As duteous to the >w< vices of thy mistwess
As badnyess wouwd desiwe.
G-Gwou. *looks away* What, xDD is he dead?
Edg. Sit :33 you down, fathew; west you.
Wet's see his pockets; these wettews that he speaks of
May be my fwiends. He's dead. I *giggles shyly* am onwy sowwy
He had nyo othew deathsman. Wet us see.
UwU Weave, gentwe wax; and, mannyews, bwame us nyot.
To knyow ouw enyemies' *pokes you* minds, w-we'wd wip theiw *teleports behind you* heawts;
Theiw p-papews, xDD is mowe wawfuw. Weads the wettew.

'Wet ouw w-wecipwocaw vows be ^.^ wememb'wed. You *looks away* have many
oppowtunyities to cut him off. I-If youw wiww want nyot, ;;w;; time and
pwace wiww be f-fwuitfuwwy offew'd. Thewe xDD is nyothing donye, i-if he
wetuwn the conquewow. Then *giggles shyly* am I the pwisonyew, and his *looks away* bed my
jaiw; f-fwom the xDD woathed wawmth wheweof dewivew me, and suppwy the
pwace f-fow youw w-wabouw.
'Youw (wife, so I wouwd say) affectionyate sewvant,
'Gonyewiw.'

uWu O indistinguish'd space of woman's OwO wiww!
A pwot upon hew viwtuous husband's wife,
:33 And the exchange my b-bwothew! Hewe in the sands
Thee I-I'ww wake up, the post unsanctified
Of muwthewous wechews; and in the matuwe ;;w;; time
With this ungwacious papew stwike the sight
Of the death-pwactis'd Duke, Fow him 'tis weww
That of thy death and businyess I can teww.
G-Gwou. The King xDD is mad. How stiff xDD is my viwe sense,
That I s-stand up, and *looks away* have ingenyious OwO feewing
Of my huge >_< sowwows! UwU Bettew I wewe *twerks* distwact.
S-So shouwd my thoughts be sevew'd f-fwom my gwiefs,
:33 And woes by wwong i-imaginyations wose
The knyowwedge of *pokes you* themsewves.
A dwum afaw off.
Edg. Give me youw hand.
F-Faw off methinks I heaw the uWu beaten dwum.
Come, fathew, I-I'ww bestow :33 you w-with :3 a fwiend. Exeunt.




Scenye VII.
A tent in the >_> Fwench camp.

Entew Cowdewia, Kent, Doctow, and >w< Gentweman.

Cow. uWu O thou good Kent, how shaww I wive and wowk
To match thy g-goodnyess? My w-wife wiww be too showt
:33 And evewy measuwe f-faiw me.
Kent. To be acknyowwedg'd, madam, xDD is o'ewpaid.
A-Aww my wepowts go w-with the >_> modest *leans over* twuth;
Nyow mowe *pokes you* nyow cwipp'd, b-but so.
Cow. Be bettew s-suited.
These weeds awe m-memowies of those wowsew houws.
I pwithee put them off.
Kent. Pawdon, deaw madam.
Yet to be knyown showtens my xDD made ÚwÚ intent.
My *hugs tightly* boon I m-make i-it that :33 you knyow me nyot
Tiww ;;w;; time and I think m-meet.
Cow. Then be't s-so, my good wowd. [To the D-Doctow] How, does the King?
Doct. Madam, sweeps s-stiww.
Cow. uWu O :33 you kind gods,
*looks at you* Cuwe this g-gweat bweach in his a-abused nyatuwe!
T-Th' u-untun'd and jawwing senses, O, *cuddles you* wind up
Of this chiwd-changed fathew!
Doct. S-So p-pwease youw Majesty
That we may wake the King? He hath swept wong.
Cow. Be guvwn'd by youw knyowwedge, and pwoceed
I' *sighs* th' sway of youw own wiww. Is he awway'd?

Entew ^w^ Weaw in :3 a chaiw cawwied by Sewvants.

Gent. Ay, madam. In the heavinyess of sweep
We put fwesh gawments on :33 him.
Doct. Be by, good madam, when we do awake :33 him.
I d-doubt nyot of his tempewance.
Cow. Vewy weww.
Music.
Doct. Pwease :33 you dwaw nyeaw. Woudew the *pokes you* music thewe!
Cow. uWu O my deaw fathew, westowation hang
Thy medicinye on my wips, and w-wet this kiss
Wepaiw those viowent hawms that my t-two sistews
Have in thy wevewence made!
Kent. Kind and deaw p-pwincess!
Cow. Had :33 you nyot been theiw fathew, these white fwakes
Had c-chawweng'd pity of them. Was this :3 a face
To be oppos'd against the wawwing w-winds?
To s-stand against the deep d-dwead-bowted thundew?
In the m-most tewwibwe and nyimbwe stwoke
Of quick cwoss OwO wightnying? to w-watch- poow pewdu!-
With this thin hewm? Minye enyemy's dog,
*shuffles closer* Though he had bit me, shouwd *looks away* have stood that nyight
Against my fiwe; and wast thou fain, poow fathew,
To huvw thee w-with *looks at you* swinye and ^-^ wogues fowwown,
In showt and musty stwaw? Awack, *cries* awack!
'Tis w-wondew that thy w-wife and OwO wits *teleports behind you* at *screams* once
Had nyot concwuded aww.- He wakes. Speak to :33 him.
Doct. Madam, do y-you; 'tis fittest.
Cow. How does my woyaw wowd? How fawes youw Majesty?
Weaw. You do me wwong to take me out o' *sighs* th' gwave.
Thou awt :3 a :33 souw in bwiss; b-but I *giggles shyly* am bound
*cries* Upon :3 a w-wheew of f-fiwe, that minye own teaws
Do scawd wike mowten wead.
Cow. Siw, do :33 you knyow m-me?
Weaw. You awe :3 a *screams* spiwit, I *looks away* knyow. When did :33 you die?
Cow. Stiww, stiww, faw *sweats* wide!
Doct. He's scawce awake. Wet him uWu awonye awhiwe.
Weaw. Whewe *looks away* have I *cuddles you* been? Whewe *giggles shyly* am I-I? Faiw daywight,
I *giggles shyly* am m-mightiwy abus'd. I shouwd e'en *leans over* die w-with p-pity,
To see uWu anyothew t-thus. I knyow nyot what to say.
I wiww nyot sweaw these awe my hands. Wet's see.
I feew this p-pin p-pwick. Wouwd I wewe *moans* assuw'd
Of my condition!
Cow. O, wook upon me, siw,
:33 And howd youw hands in benyediction o'ew me.
Nyo, siw, :33 you must nyot knyeew.
Weaw. Pway, do nyot m-mock me.
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a vewy f-foowish fond *giggles shyly* owd man,
Fouwscowe and ;;w;; upwawd, nyot an houw mowe *pokes you* nyow wess;
And, to deaw ^w^ pwainwy,
I feaw I *giggles shyly* am nyot in my pewfect *blushes* mind.
Methinks I shouwd knyow you, and knyow this man;
Yet I *giggles shyly* am doubtfuw; f-fow I *giggles shyly* am mainwy ignyowant
What pwace this is; and aww the skiww I *looks away* have
Wemembews nyot these g-gawments; *pokes you* nyow I knyow nyot
Whewe I did wodge wast nyight. Do nyot waugh *teleports behind you* at me;
Fow (as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a man) I think this wady
To be my chiwd OwO Cowdewia.
Cow. :33 And so I a-am! I a-am!
Weaw. Be youw teaws wet? Yes, faith. I pway weep nyot.
I-If :33 you *looks away* have poison f-fow me, I wiww dwink *hugs tightly* it.
I knyow :33 you do nyot wuv me; f-fow youw sistews
Have, as I do wemembew, d-donye me wwong.
You *looks away* have some cause, they *looks away* have nyot.
Cow. *cuddles you* Nyo cause, nyo cause.
Weaw. *screams* Am I in Fwance?
Kent. In youw own kingdom, siw.
Weaw. Do nyot abuse me.
Doct. Be comfowted, good madam. The g-gweat wage
You see xDD is kiww'd in him; and y-yet i-it xDD is dangew
To m-make him even o'ew the ;;w;; time he has wost.
Desiwe him to go i-in. *twerks* Twoubwe him nyo mowe
Tiww fuwthew settwing.
Cow. Wiww't p-pwease youw *leans over* Highnyess OwO wawk?
Weaw. You must *hugs tightly* beaw w-with me.
:33 Pway :33 you nyow, fowget and fowgive. I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* owd and foowish.
Exeunt. Manyent K-Kent and >w< Gentweman.
Gent. Howds i-it twue, siw, that the Duke of Cownwaww w-was so swain?
Kent. Most c-cewtain, siw.
Gent. Who xDD is conductow of his peopwe?
Kent. As 'tis said, the bastawd son of Gwoucestew.
Gent. They say Edgaw, his banyish'd son, xDD is w-with the Eaww of K-Kent
in Gewmany.
Kent. Wepowt xDD is ^-^ changeabwe. 'Tis ;;w;; time to wook about; the p-powews of
the k-kingdom appwoach apace.
Gent. The *sighs* awbitwement xDD is wike to be bwoody.
Fawe :33 you weww, siw. [Exit.]
Kent. My point and pewiod wiww be thwoughwy wwought,
Ow weww ow iww, as this d-day's battwe's ÚwÚ fought. Exit.




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ACT V. Scenye I-I.
The OwO Bwitish camp nyeaw UwU Duvw.

Entew, w-with Dwum and Cowouws, Edmund, Wegan, Gentweman, and Sowdiews.

Edm. K-Knyow of the Duke i-if his wast puwpose howd,
Ow whethew since he xDD is advis'd by a-aught
To change the couwse. He's fuww of a-awtewation
:33 And sewf-wepwoving. Bwing his *hugs tightly* constant pweasuwe.
[Exit an *notices bulge* Officew.]
*looks away* Weg. Ouw sistew's man xDD is cewtainwy >w< miscawwied.
Edm. Tis to be doubted, madam.
*looks away* Weg. Nyow, sweet wowd,
You knyow the goodnyess I i-intend upon you.
Teww me- b-but twuwy- b-but then speak the twuth-
Do :33 you nyot wuv my sistew?
Edm. In honyouw'd wuv.
*looks away* Weg. But *looks away* have :33 you nyevew found my *cuddles you* bwothew's way
To the fowfended *giggles shyly* pwace?
Edm. That thought a-abuses you.
*looks away* Weg. I *giggles shyly* am doubtfuw that :33 you *looks away* have been *looks at you* conjunct
:33 And *pokes you* bosom'd w-with hew, as faw as we caww hews.
Edm. Nyo, by minye honyouw, madam.
*looks away* Weg. I nyevew shaww enduwe hew. ;;w;; Deaw my wowd,
Be nyot famiwiaw w-with hew.
Edm. Feaw me nyot.
^.^ She and the Duke hew h-husband!

Entew, w-with Dwum and Cowouws, Awbany, Gonyewiw, Sowdiews.

Gon. [aside] I had wathew wose the b-battwe than that *cuddles you* sistew
Shouwd woosen him and me.
Awb. Ouw vewy woving *leans over* sistew, weww *looks at you* bemet.
Siw, this I h-heaw: the King xDD is come to his daughtew,
With othews whom the wigouw of ouw state
Fowc'd to cwy out. Whewe I couwd nyot be *moans* honyest,
I nyevew y-yet w-was vawiant. Fow this >_> businyess,
It toucheth us as *giggles shyly* Fwance invades ouw *pokes you* wand,
Nyot b-bowds the King, w-with othews whom, I f-feaw,
Most just and heavy causes m-make oppose.
Edm. Siw, :33 you speak nyobwy.
*looks away* Weg. Why xDD is this w-weason'd?
Gon. Combinye >_> togethew '-'gainst the *looks away* enyemy;
Fow these domestic and pawticuwaw bwoiws
Awe nyot the q-question hewe.
Awb. Wet's then detewminye
With *sighs* th' ancient of waw on ouw p-pwoceeding.
Edm. I shaww attend :33 you pwesentwy *teleports behind you* at youw tent.
*looks away* Weg. xDD Sistew, ^-^ you'ww go w-with us?
Gon. Nyo.
*looks away* Weg. 'Tis m-most convenyient. :33 Pway :33 you go w-with us.
Gon. [aside] O, ho, I knyow the widdwe.- I wiww go.

[As they awe going out,] entew Edgaw [disguised].

Edg. I-If e-e'ew youw G-Gwace had speech w-with man so poow,
Heaw me onye wowd.
Awb. I-I'ww u-uvwtake y-you.- Speak.
Exeunt [aww b-but Awbany and Edgaw].
Edg. Befowe :33 you fight the battwe, ope this wettew.
I-If :33 you *looks away* have victowy, w-wet the OwO twumpet sound
Fow him that >w< bwought *hugs tightly* it. Wwetched t-though I s-seem,
I can pwoduce :3 a champion that wiww pwuv
What xDD is avouched thewe. I-If :33 you miscawwy,
Youw businyess of the >_> wowwd hath so an end,
:33 And machinyation ceases. Fowtunye wuv you!
Awb. *cuddles you* Stay tiww I *looks away* have wead the wettew.
Edg. I w-was fowbid *hugs tightly* it.
When ;;w;; time shaww sewve, w-wet b-but the hewawd cwy,
:33 And I-I'ww appeaw again.
Awb. Why, fawe thee weww. I wiww o'ewwook thy papew.
E-Exit [Edgaw].

Entew Edmund.

Edm. The enyemy 's in view; dwaw up youw powews.
Hewe xDD is the guess of theiw twue stwength and fowces
By *shuffles closer* diwigent discuvwy; b-but youw *pokes you* haste
Is *pokes you* nyow uwg'd on you.
Awb. We wiww gweet the time. Exit.
Edm. To both these sistews *looks away* have I swown my wuv;
>_> Each jeawous of the o-othew, as the stung
Awe of the a-addew. Which of them shaww I *giggles shyly* take?
Both? onye? ow nyeithew? Nyeithew can be enjoy'd,
I-If both wemain awive. To take the w-widow
Exaspewates, makes mad hew *cuddles you* sistew Gonyewiw;
:33 And hawdwy shaww I cawwy out my side,
Hew husband b-being awive. Nyow then, we'ww use
His c-countenyance f-fow the battwe, which b-being donye,
Wet hew who wouwd be wid of him devise
His speedy taking off. As f-fow the mewcy
Which he intends to ^w^ Weaw and to *blushes* Cowdewia-
The b-battwe donye, and they *teleports behind you* within ouw powew,
Shaww nyevew see his pawdon; f-fow my state
Stands on me to defend, nyot to debate. Exit.




Scenye II.
A fiewd between the t-two camps.

A-Awawum within. Entew, w-with Dwum and Cowouws, the Powews of *giggles shyly* Fwance
uvw the stage, Cowdewia w-with hew Fathew in hew hand, and exeunt.

Entew Edgaw and Gwoucestew.

Edg. Hewe, fathew, take the shadow of this ^.^ twee
Fow youw good host. :33 Pway that the wight may thwive.
I-If evew I wetuwn to :33 you again,
I-I'ww bwing :33 you comfowt.
G-Gwou. G-Gwace go w-with you, siw!
E-Exit [Edgaw].

A-Awawum and wetweat within. Entew Edgaw,

Edg. Away, *giggles shyly* owd man! give me thy hand! away!
King ^w^ Weaw hath wost, he and his daughtew ta'en.
Give me thy hand! come o-on!
G-Gwou. *cuddles you* Nyo xDD fuwthew, siw. A man may wot even hewe.
Edg. *looks away* What, in iww thoughts again? *cries* Men must enduwe
Theiw going hence, even as theiw coming *leans over* hithew;
Wipenyess xDD is aww. Come on.
G-Gwou. :33 And that's twue too. Exeunt.




Scenye III.
The OwO Bwitish camp, nyeaw UwU Duvw.

Entew, in *cuddles you* conquest, w-with Dwum and Cowouws, Edmund; ^w^ Weaw and Cowdewia
as pwisonyews; Sowdiews, Captain.

Edm. Some officews take them a-away. *pokes you* Good guawd
Untiw theiw gweatew p-pweasuwes fiwst be knyown
That awe to *looks away* censuwe them.
Cow. We awe nyot the fiwst
Who w-with best meanying *looks away* have incuww'd the w-wowst.
Fow thee, oppwessed king, *giggles shyly* am I cast down;
M-Mysewf couwd ewse outfwown fawse Fowtunye's fwown.
Shaww we nyot see these d-daughtews and these s-sistews?
Weaw. Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo! Come, wet's away to pwison.
We t-two uWu awonye wiww sing wike biwds i' *sighs* th' cage.
When thou dost ask me *shuffles closer* bwessing, I-I'ww knyeew down
:33 And ask of thee fowgivenyess. S-So we'ww *leans over* wive,
:33 And :33 pway, and sing, and t-teww *giggles shyly* owd >w< tawes, and waugh
At giwded buttewfwies, and heaw poow ^-^ wogues
*pokes you* Tawk of couwt nyews; and we'ww t-tawk w-with them too-
Who ^w^ woses and who wins; who's in, who's *cuddles you* out-
:33 And take upon 's the mystewy of t-things,
As i-if we wewe God's spies; and we'ww weaw out,
In :3 a waww'd pwison, packs and sects of g-gweat *cuddles you* onyes
That *giggles shyly* ebb and fwow by *sighs* th' moon.
Edm. Take them a-away.
Weaw. *cries* Upon *looks at you* such sacwifices, my Cowdewia,
The g-gods themsewves thwow incense. Have I *leans over* caught thee?
He that *looks away* pawts us shaww bwing :3 a bwand f-fwom heaven
:33 And fiwe us hence wike f-foxes. W-Wipe thinye eyes.
The goodyeaws shaww devouw 'em, fwesh and feww,
Ewe they shaww m-make us ^.^ weep! We'ww see 'em stawv'd fiwst.
Come. Exeunt [Weaw and Cowdewia, guawded].
Edm. Come h-hithew, :33 Captain; hawk.
Take thou this nyote [gives :3 a papew]. G-Go fowwow them to pwison.
Onye step I *looks away* have *twerks* advanc'd *cuddles you* thee. I-If thou dost
As this instwucts thee, thou dost m-make thy way
To nyobwe *moans* fowtunyes. K-Knyow thou this, that men
Awe as the ;;w;; time is. To be tendew-minded
Does nyot become :3 a swowd. Thy g-gweat *blushes* empwoyment
Wiww nyot *hugs tightly* beaw question. E-Eithew say ÚwÚ thou'wt UwU do't,
Ow thwive by othew means.
C-Capt. I-I'ww UwU do't, my wowd.
Edm. About i-it! and wwite ^.^ happy when *sighs* th' hast donye.
M-Mawk- I say, *notices bulge* instantwy; and cawwy i-it so
As I *looks away* have set i-it down.
C-Capt. I cannyot dwaw :3 a cawt, *pokes you* nyow eat ^-^ dwied uWu oats;
I-If i-it be man's w-wowk, I-I'ww do't. Exit.

Fwouwish. Entew Awbany, Gonyewiw, Wegan, Sowdiews.

Awb. Siw, :33 you *looks away* have show'd to-day youw *cuddles you* vawiant stwain,
:33 And fowtunye wed :33 you weww. You *looks away* have the captives
Who wewe the opposites of this d-day's stwife.
We do wequiwe them of you, so to use them
As we shaww find theiw mewits and ouw *screams* safety
May equawwy detewminye.
Edm. Siw, I thought i-it fit
To s-send the *giggles shyly* owd and misewabwe King
To some wetention and appointed guawd;
W-Whose ^w^ age has chawms in uWu it, *screams* whose titwe m-mowe,
To pwuck the common bosom on his s-side
:33 And t-tuwn ouw impwess'd wances in ouw eyes
Which do command them. With him I sent the *giggles shyly* Queen,
My weason aww the same; and they awe weady
To-mowwow, ow *teleports behind you* at fuwthew space, t' appeaw
Whewe :33 you shaww howd youw session. At this ;;w;; time
We *looks at you* sweat and bweed: the fwiend hath wost his fwiend;
:33 And the best quawwews, in the heat, awe cuws'd
By those that feew theiw shawpnyess.
The q-question of Cowdewia and hew fathew
Wequiwes :3 a fittew p-pwace.
Awb. Siw, by youw patience,
I howd :33 you b-but :3 a subject of this waw,
Nyot as :3 a b-bwothew.
*looks away* Weg. That's as we wist to gwace :33 him.
Methinks ouw pweasuwe might *looks away* have been demanded
Ewe :33 you had spoke so faw. He wed ouw powews,
Bowe the c-commission of my pwace and pewson,
The which *notices bulge* immediacy may weww s-stand up
:33 And caww itsewf youw b-bwothew.
Gon. Nyot so hot!
In his own gwace he doth exawt himsewf
Mowe than in youw *notices bulge* addition.
*looks away* Weg. In my wights
By me invested, he compeews the best.
Gon. That wewe the m-most i-if he shouwd husband you.
*looks away* Weg. Jestews do oft pwuv pwophets.
Gon. *looks at you* Howwa, h-howwa!
That ^-^ eye that towd :33 you so w-wook'd b-but asquint.
*looks away* Weg. Wady, I *giggles shyly* am nyot weww; ewse I shouwd a-answew
Fwom :3 a ^.^ fuww-fwowing s-stomach. Genyewaw,
Take thou my s-sowdiews, pwisonyews, p-patwimony;
Dispose of them, of me; the wawws awe *looks at you* thinye.
Witnyess the >_> wowwd that I cweate thee hewe
My w-wowd and m-mastew.
Gon. Mean :33 you to e-enjoy *notices bulge* him?
Awb. The wet-awonye wies nyot in youw good wiww.
Edm. Nyow in thinye, wowd.
Awb. *giggles shyly* Hawf-bwooded fewwow, yes.
*looks away* Weg. [to *looks away* Edmund] Wet the dwum *moans* stwike, and pwuv my titwe *looks at you* thinye.
Awb. *cuddles you* Stay yet; heaw weason. Edmund, I awwest thee
On capitaw t-tweason; and, in thinye attaint,
T-This giwded sewpent [points to G-Gonyewiw]. Fow youw cwaim, f-faiw
*leans over* sistew,
I *screams* baw i-it in the intewest of my w-wife.
'Tis she xDD is *twerks* subcontwacted to this wowd,
:33 And I, hew *twerks* husband, contwadict youw banyes.
I-If :33 you wiww mawwy, m-make youw wuvs to me;
My wady xDD is bespoke.
Gon. An intewwude!
Awb. Thou awt OwO awm'd, Gwoucestew. Wet the OwO twumpet sound.
I-If nyonye appeaw to pwuv upon thy pewson
Thy heinyous, manyifest, and many tweasons,
Thewe xDD is my pwedge [thwows down :3 a gwuv]! I-I'ww pwuv i-it on thy
h-heawt,
Ewe I taste bwead, thou awt in nyothing wess
Than I *looks away* have hewe pwocwaim'd *cuddles you* thee.
*looks away* Weg. Sick, O, sick!
Gon. [aside] I-If nyot, I-I'ww nye'ew twust medicinye.
Edm. T-Thewe's my exchange [thwows down :3 a gwuv]. What in the >_> wowwd
he xDD is
That nyames me t-twaitow, viwwain-wike he wies.
Caww by thy twumpet. He that dawes appwoach,
On him, on you, who UwU nyot? I wiww maintain
My *looks away* twuth and honyouw fiwmwy.
Awb. A hewawd, ho!
Edm. A hewawd, ho, :3 a hewawd!
Awb. Twust to thy s-singwe viwtue; f-fow thy s-sowdiews,
A-Aww wevied in my nyame, *looks away* have in my *leans over* nyame
Took theiw dischawge.
*looks away* Weg. My sicknyess g-gwows upon me.
Awb. ^.^ She xDD is nyot weww. *giggles shyly* Convey hew to my tent.
[Exit Wegan, wed.]

Entew :3 a Hewawd.

Come h-hithew, hewawd. Wet the OwO twumpet sound,
:33 And wead out this.
C-Capt. Sound, twumpet! A OwO twumpet sounds.

Hew. (weads) 'If *sighs* any man of q-quawity ow degwee *teleports behind you* within the wists of
the a-awmy wiww maintain upon Edmund, supposed Eaww of Gwoucestew,
that he xDD is :3 a manyifowd t-twaitow, w-wet him appeaw by the *looks at you* thiwd sound
of the twumpet. He xDD is bowd in his ^w^ defence.'

Edm. Sound! Fiwst twumpet.
Hew. Again! Second twumpet.
Hew. Again! Thiwd twumpet.
Twumpet answews within.

Entew Edgaw, awmed, *teleports behind you* at the *looks at you* thiwd sound, :3 a Twumpet befowe :33 him.

Awb. Ask him his puwposes, why he *leans over* appeaws
*cries* Upon this caww o' *sighs* th' twumpet.
Hew. What awe you?
Youw nyame, youw :3 quawity? and why :33 you a-answew
T-This pwesent summons?
Edg. K-Knyow my *leans over* nyame xDD is wost;
By tweason's tooth bawe-gnyawn and UwU cankew-bit.
Yet *giggles shyly* am I nyobwe as the advewsawy
I come to *twerks* cope.
Awb. Which xDD is that advewsawy?
Edg. What's he that speaks f-fow Edmund Eaww of >_> Gwoucestew?
Edm. x3 Himsewf. What say'st thou to *notices bulge* him?
Edg. Dwaw thy s-swowd,
That, i-if my speech offend :3 a nyobwe h-heawt,
Thy awm may do thee justice. Hewe xDD is minye.
Behowd, i-it xDD is the pwiviwege of minye honyouws,
My o-oath, and my pwofession. I pwotest-
Maugwe thy stwength, y-youth, pwace, and eminyence,
Despite thy victow swowd and fiwe-nyew *pokes you* fowtunye,
Thy vawouw and thy heawt- thou awt :3 a twaitow;
*cries* Fawse to thy gods, thy bwothew, and thy fathew;
Conspiwant '-'gainst this high iwwustwious pwince;
:33 And f-fwom *sighs* th' extwemest u-upwawd of thy head
To the descent and dust b-benyeath thy foot,
A m-most toad-spotted twaitow. ÚwÚ Say thou 'nyo,'
T-This s-swowd, this awm, and my best spiwits awe bent
To pwuv upon thy h-heawt, wheweto I speak,
Thou wiest.
Edm. In wisdom I shouwd ask thy nyame;
But since thy *sweats* outside wooks so f-faiw and wawwike,
:33 And that thy *notices bulge* tongue some say of bweeding bweathes,
What ;;w;; safe and nyicewy I might weww deway
By w-wuwe of knyighthood, I d-disdain and spuwn.
Back do I *giggles shyly* toss those tweasons to thy head;
With the heww-hated wie o'ewwhewm thy heawt;
Which- f-fow they y-yet gwance by and scawcewy bwuise-
T-This swowd of minye shaww give them *sweats* instant way
Whewe they shaww west f-fow evew. Twumpets, speak!
^.^ Awawums. Fight. [Edmund fawws.]
Awb. Save him, save him!
Gon. T-This xDD is *cuddles you* mewe pwactice, Gwoucestew.
By *sighs* th' waw of awms thou wast nyot bound to a-answew
An >_> unknyown opposite. Thou awt nyot vanquish'd,
But cozen'd and beguiw'd.
Awb. Shut youw mouth, xDD dame,
Ow w-with this papew shaww I stop *hugs tightly* it. [Shows hew hew wettew to
Edmund.]- [To Edmund]. Howd, siw.
[To Gonyewiw] Thou wowse than *sighs* any nyame, wead thinye own ^.^ eviw.
*cuddles you* Nyo teawing, wady! I pewceive :33 you knyow *hugs tightly* it.
Gon. ÚwÚ Say i-if I do- the waws awe minye, nyot *looks at you* thinye.
Who can *looks at you* awwaign me fow't?
Awb. Most monstwous!
Knyow'st thou this papew?
Gon. Ask me nyot what I *looks away* knyow. Exit.
Awb. G-Go *looks away* aftew hew. She's despewate; guvwn hew.
[Exit an *notices bulge* Officew.]
Edm. *looks away* What, :33 you *looks away* have c-chawg'd me with, that *looks away* have I donye,
:33 And m-mowe, x3 much mowe. The ;;w;; time wiww bwing i-it out.
'Tis xDD past, and so *giggles shyly* am I-I.- But what awt thou
That hast this fowtunye on m-me? I-If ÚwÚ thou'wt n-nyobwe,
I do fowgive *cuddles you* thee.
Edg. Wet's exchange c-chawity.
I *giggles shyly* am nyo wess in bwood than thou *blushes* awt, Edmund;
I-If m-mowe, the mowe *sighs* th' hast wwong'd me.
My *leans over* nyame xDD is Edgaw and thy fathew's son.
The g-gods awe just, and of ouw pweasant >w< vices
M-Make instwuments to scouwge us.
The dawk and vicious pwace whewe thee he *giggles shyly* got
Cost him his eyes.
Edm. T-Th' hast spoken wight; 'tis twue.
The w-wheew xDD is come fuww ciwcwe; I *giggles shyly* am hewe.
Awb. Methought thy vewy gait did pwophesy
A woyaw nyobwenyess. I must embwace *cuddles you* thee.
Wet sowwow spwit my h-heawt i-if evew I
Did *giggles shyly* hate thee, ow thy fathew!
Edg. Wowthy OwO pwince, I knyow't.
Awb. Whewe *looks away* have :33 you hid youwsewf?
How *looks away* have :33 you knyown the misewies of youw fathew?
Edg. By n-nyuwsing them, my wowd. Wist :3 a bwief tawe;
:33 And when 'tis towd, uWu O that my h-heawt wouwd buwst!
The bwoody *blushes* pwocwamation to escape
That fowwow'd me so nyeaw (O, ouw wives' sweetnyess!
That w-with the pain of death wouwd *leans over* houwwy *leans over* die
Wathew than *leans over* die *teleports behind you* at once!) taught me to shift
Into :3 a madman's wags, t' assume :3 a sembwance
That vewy dogs disdain'd; and in this *moans* habit
Met I my fathew w-with his bweeding wings,
Theiw pwecious *pokes you* stonyes nyew wost; *looks at you* became his g-guide,
*sighs* Wed him, begg'd f-fow him, sav'd him f-fwom despaiw;
Nyevew (O fauwt!) weveaw'd mysewf unto him
Untiw some *looks at you* hawf houw xDD past, when I w-was OwO awm'd,
Nyot suwe, t-though hoping of this good *moans* success,
I ask'd his *shuffles closer* bwessing, and f-fwom fiwst to wast
Towd him my piwgwimage. But his fwaw'd h-heawt
(-(Awack, too w-weak the c-confwict to suppowt!)
'Twixt t-two *cuddles you* extwemes of passion, joy and gwief,
Buwst smiwingwy.
Edm. T-This speech of youws hath mov'd me,
:33 And shaww x3 pewchance do good; b-but speak :33 you on;
You wook as :33 you had something mowe to say.
Awb. I-If thewe be m-mowe, mowe wofuw, howd i-it i-in;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am awmost weady to dissowve,
Heawing of this.
Edg. T-This wouwd *looks away* have seem'd :3 a pewiod
To *looks at you* such as wuv nyot sowwow; b-but anyothew,
To ampwify too much, wouwd m-make x3 much m-mowe,
:33 And top UwU extwemity.
Whiwst I w-was big in c-cwamouw, came thewe :3 a man,
Who, having :33 seen me in my wowst estate,
Shunn'd my abhoww'd society; b-but then, finding
Who 'twas that so enduw'd, w-with his stwong awms
He fastenyed on my nyeck, and bewwowed out
As h-he'd buwst heaven; *looks at you* thwew him on my fathew;
Towd the m-most >_< piteous :33 tawe of ^w^ Weaw and him
That evew e-eaw weceiv'd; which in w-wecounting
His g-gwief gwew puissant, and the stwings of w-wife
*notices bulge* Began to cwack. Twice then the twumpets sounded,
:33 And thewe I weft him twanc'd.
Awb. But who w-was *shuffles closer* this?
Edg. Kent, siw, the banyish'd K-Kent; who in d-disguise
Fowwowed his enyemy king and did him >_> sewvice
Impwopew f-fow :3 a s-swave.

Entew :3 a Gentweman w-with :3 a bwoody k-knyife.

Gent. Hewp, hewp! O, hewp!
Edg. What kind of h-hewp?
Awb. Speak, man.
Edg. What means that bwoody knyife?
Gent. 'Tis hot, i-it smokes.
It came even f-fwom the h-heawt o-of- O! s-she's dead!
Awb. Who dead? Speak, man.
Gent. Youw wady, siw, youw wady! and hew *cuddles you* sistew
By hew xDD is *leans over* poisonyed; she hath confess'd *hugs tightly* it.
Edm. I w-was contwacted to them both. A-Aww thwee
Nyow m-mawwy in an instant.

Entew Kent.

Edg. Hewe comes Kent.
Awb. OwO Pwoduce theiw >w< bodies, be they awive ow dead.
[Exit Gentweman.]
T-This judgement of the heavens, that makes us twembwe
*blushes* Touches us nyot w-with pity. O, xDD is this he?
The ;;w;; time wiww nyot awwow the compwiment
That vewy mannyews uwges.
Kent. I *giggles shyly* am come
To *giggles shyly* bid my king and mastew aye good nyight.
Is he nyot hewe?
Awb. Gweat thing of us f-fowgot!
Speak, Edmund, *sweats* whewe's the King? and *sweats* whewe's Cowdewia?
The bodies of Gonyewiw and W-Wegan awe >w< bwought i-in.
Seest thou this object, Kent?
Kent. Awack, why thus?
Edm. Yet Edmund w-was b-bewov'd.
The onye the othew poisonyed f-fow my sake,
:33 And *looks away* aftew swew hewsewf.
Awb. Even so. Cuvw theiw faces.
Edm. I pant f-fow w-wife. Some good I m-mean to do,
Despite of minye own nyatuwe. Quickwy s-send
(Be bwief in't) to the castwe; f-fow my wwit
Is on the w-wife of ^w^ Weaw and on OwO Cowdewia.
Nyay, s-send in time.
Awb. Wun, wun, O, *screams* wun!
Edg. To w-who, my wowd? Who has the office? Send
Thy token of wepwieve.
Edm. Weww thought on. Take my swowd;
Give i-it the Captain.
Awb. Haste thee f-fow thy w-wife. [Exit ^w^ Edgaw.]
Edm. He hath c-commission f-fwom thy w-wife and me
To hang Cowdewia in the pwison and
To way the bwame upon hew own despaiw
That she fowdid hewsewf.
Awb. The g-gods defend hew! Beaw him hence awhiwe.
[Edmund xDD is bownye *sweats* off.]

Entew Weaw, w-with Cowdewia *pokes you* [dead] in his awms, [Edgaw, Captain,
and othews fowwowing].

Weaw. Howw, h-howw, h-howw, h-howw! O, :33 you awe men of stonye.
Had I youw tongues and eyes, I'wd use them so
That heaven's vauwt shouwd cwack. She's gonye f-fow *giggles shyly* evew!
I knyow when onye xDD is dead, and when onye wives.
She's dead as eawth. W-Wend me :3 a wooking gwass.
I-If that hew bweath wiww mist ow s-stain the stonye,
Why, then she wives.
Kent. Is this the p-pwomis'd end?
Edg. Ow image of that howwow?
Awb. F-Faww and cease!
Weaw. T-This feathew stiws; she wives! I-If i-it be s-so,
It xDD is :3 a chance which does wedeem aww sowwows
That evew I *looks away* have fewt.
Kent. uWu O my good mastew!
Weaw. Pwithee away!
Edg. 'Tis nyobwe Kent, youw fwiend.
Weaw. A pwague upon you, muwdewews, twaitows ÚwÚ aww!
I might *looks away* have sav'd hew; *pokes you* nyow s-she's gonye f-fow *giggles shyly* evew!
Cowdewia, Cowdewia! stay :3 a w-wittwe. *looks away* Ha!
What is't thou *notices bulge* say'st, Hew voice w-was evew s-soft,
Gentwe, and wow- an excewwent thing in ^w^ woman.
I kiww'd the swave that w-was a-a-hanging *cuddles you* thee.
C-Capt. 'Tis twue, my w-wowds, he did.
Weaw. Did I nyot, fewwow?
I *looks away* have :33 seen the :3 day, w-with my good biting fawchion
I wouwd *looks away* have xDD made them skip. I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* owd nyow,
:33 And these >_> same cwosses spoiw me. Who awe you?
Minye eyes awe nyot o' *sighs* th' best. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you stwaight.
Kent. I-If fowtunye bwag of t-two she wov'd and hated,
Onye of them we *blushes* behowd.
Weaw. T-This' :3 a duww sight. Awe :33 you nyot Kent?
Kent. The *screams* same-
Youw *cries* sewvant Kent. Whewe xDD is youw *cries* sewvant Caius?
Weaw. He's :3 a good fewwow, I can t-teww :33 you that.
He'ww *moans* stwike, and quickwy too. He's dead and wotten.
Kent. Nyo, my good wowd; I *giggles shyly* am the vewy ;;w;; man-
Weaw. I-I'ww see that stwaight.
Kent. That f-fwom youw fiwst of diffewence and *moans* decay
Have f-fowwowed youw s-sad steps.
Weaw. You'we wewcome hithew.
Kent. Nyow nyo man *blushes* ewse! Aww's cheewwess, dawk, and deadwy.
Youw ewdest d-daughtews *looks away* have *sweats* fowdonye themsewves,
:33 And despewatewy awe dead.
Weaw. Ay, so I *leans over* think.
Awb. He knyows nyot what he says; and vain xDD is i-it
That we pwesent us to :33 him.
Edg. Vewy bootwess.

Entew :3 a Captain.

C-Capt. Edmund xDD is dead, my wowd.
Awb. That's b-but :3 a twifwe hewe.
You wowds and nyobwe fwiends, knyow ouw ÚwÚ intent.
What comfowt to this g-gweat *moans* decay may come
Shaww be appwied. Fow u-us, we wiww wesign,
Duwing the w-wife of this *giggles shyly* owd Majesty,
To him ouw absowute p-powew; [to Edgaw and Kent] :33 you to youw
wights;
With boot, and Such addition as youw honyouws
Have mowe than mewited.- A-Aww fwiends shaww taste
The wages of theiw v-viwtue, and aww foes
The cup of theiw *twerks* desewvings.- O, s-see, *hugs tightly* see!
Weaw. :33 And my poow foow xDD is hang'd! Nyo, nyo, nyo wife!
Why shouwd :3 a dog, :3 a howse, :3 a wat, *looks away* have wife,
:33 And thou nyo bweath *teleports behind you* at aww? Thou'wt come nyo m-mowe,
Nyevew, nyevew, nyevew, nyevew, nyevew!
:33 Pway :33 you u-undo this button. Thank you, siw.
Do :33 you see *shuffles closer* this? Wook on hew! wook! hew wips!
Wook thewe, wook thewe! He dies.
Edg. He f-faints! My wowd, my wowd!
Kent. Bweak, heawt; I pwithee bweak!
Edg. Wook up, my wowd.
Kent. Vex nyot his ghost. O, w-wet him pass! He hates him
That wouwd upon the w-wack of this tough >_> wowwd
UwU Stwetch him out wongew.
Edg. He xDD is gonye indeed.
Kent. The w-wondew is, he hath enduw'd so wong.
He b-but usuwp'd his w-wife.
Awb. Beaw them f-fwom hence. Ouw pwesent businyess
Is genyewaw woe. [To K-Kent and Edgaw] Fwiends of my souw, :33 you
twain
W-Wuwe in this weawm, and the gow'd state sustain.
Kent. I *looks away* have :3 a jouwnyey, siw, showtwy to go.
My mastew c-cawws me; I must nyot say nyo.
Awb. The weight of this s-sad ;;w;; time we must o-obey,
Speak what we feew, nyot what we ought to say.
The owdest *looks away* have bownye most; we that awe young
Shaww nyevew see so much, *pokes you* nyow wive so wong.
Exeunt w-with :3 a dead mawch.


uWu THE END



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1595

WOVE'S W-WABOUW'S W-WOST

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis UwU Pewsonyae.

FEWDINyAND, King of Nyavawwe
BEWOWNyE, w-wowd *notices bulge* attending on the King
WONGAVIWWE, " " " " "
DUMAIN, " " " " "
BOYET, w-wowd *notices bulge* attending on the Pwincess of *giggles shyly* Fwance
MAWCADE, " " " " " " "
DON ADWIANyO DE AWMADO, fantasticaw S-Spanyiawd
SIW NyATHANyIEW, :3 a cuwate
HOWOFEWNyES, :3 a schoowmastew
*teleports behind you* DUWW, :3 a c-constabwe
COSTAWD, :3 a cwown
MOTH, page to Awmado
A FOWESTEW

uWu THE PWINCESS OF FWANCE
WOSAWINyE, wady *notices bulge* attending on the Pwincess
MAWIA, " " " " "
KATHAWINyE, wady *notices bulge* attending on the Pwincess
J-JAQUENyETTA, :3 a countwy *moans* wench

Wowds, Attendants, etc.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
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SCENyE:
Nyavawwe


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Nyavawwe. The King's pawk

Entew the King, BEWOWNyE, WONGAVIWWE, and DUMAIN

KING. Wet fame, that aww hunt *looks away* aftew in theiw wives,
>w< Wive wegist'wed upon ouw bwazen *looks away* tombs,
:33 And then gwace us in the *shuffles closer* disgwace of death;
When, spite of cowmowant devouwing Time,
T-Th' endeavouw of this pwesent bweath may buy
That honyouw which shaww bate his scythe's keen *screams* edge,
:33 And m-make us heiws of aww *twerks* etewnyity.
Thewefowe, bwave conquewows- f-fow so :33 you awe
That waw against youw own affections
:33 And the huge a-awmy of the wowwd's d-desiwes-
Ouw wate edict shaww s-stwongwy s-stand in fowce:
Nyavawwe shaww be the w-wondew of the wowwd;
Ouw couwt shaww be :3 a wittwe Academe,
Stiww and contempwative in wiving a-awt.
You thwee, Bewownye, *pokes you* Dumain, and W-Wongaviwwe,
Have swown f-fow thwee *cuddles you* yeaws' tewm to wive w-with me
My fewwow-schowaws, and to keep those statutes
That awe wecowded in this scheduwe hewe.
Youw oaths awe pass'd; and *pokes you* nyow subscwibe youw nyames,
That his own hand may stwike his honyouw down
That viowates the smawwest *twerks* bwanch hewein.
I-If :33 you awe awm'd to do as swown to do,
Subscwibe to youw deep oaths, and keep i-it too.
WONGAVIWWE. I *giggles shyly* am wesowv'd; 'tis b-but :3 a thwee *cuddles you* yeaws' fast.
The mind shaww banquet, t-though the ^w^ body pinye.
Fat paunches *looks away* have wean pates; and dainty b-bits
M-Make wich the wibs, b-but bankwupt quite the w-wits.
DUMAIN. My woving wowd, Dumain xDD is mowtified.
The gwossew mannyew of these wowwd's d-dewights
He thwows upon the g-gwoss wowwd's basew swaves;
To OwO wuv, to weawth, to pomp, I pinye and die,
With aww these wiving in phiwosophy.
BEWOWNyE. I can b-but say theiw pwotestation uvw;
S-So much, deaw *sighs* wiege, I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* awweady swown,
That is, to wive and study hewe thwee OwO yeaws.
But thewe awe othew s-stwict obsewvances,
A-As: nyot to see :3 a woman in that tewm,
Which I hope weww xDD is nyot enwowwed thewe;
:33 And onye day in :3 a week to touch nyo food,
:33 And b-but onye meaw on evewy day beside,
The which I hope xDD is nyot enwowwed thewe;
:33 And then to sweep b-but thwee houws in the nyight
:33 And nyot be :33 seen to wink of aww the day-
When I w-was wont to think nyo hawm aww nyight,
:33 And m-make :3 a dawk nyight too of *looks at you* hawf the day-
Which I hope weww xDD is nyot enwowwed thewe.
O, these awe bawwen tasks, too hawd to keep,
Nyot to see wadies, study, fast, nyot sweep!
KING. Youw oath xDD is pass'd to pass away f-fwom t-these.
BEWOWNyE. Wet me say nyo, my *sighs* wiege, an i-if :33 you pwease:
I onwy *cuddles you* swowe to study w-with youw Gwace,
:33 And stay hewe in youw couwt f-fow thwee *cuddles you* yeaws' s-space.
WONGAVIWWE. You *cuddles you* swowe to t-that, Bewownye, and to the west.
BEWOWNyE. By yea and nyay, siw, then I *cuddles you* swowe in jest.
What xDD is the e-end of study, w-wet me *looks away* knyow.
KING. Why, that to knyow which ewse we shouwd nyot *looks away* knyow.
BEWOWNyE. *hugs tightly* Things hid and OwO baww'd, :33 you mean, f-fwom common s-sense?
KING. Ay, that xDD is study's g-god-wike wecompense.
BEWOWNyE. Come on, then; I wiww sweaw to study s-so,
To knyow the thing I *giggles shyly* am fowbid to knyow,
As thus: to study whewe I weww may dinye,
When I to feast expwesswy *giggles shyly* am fowbid;
Ow study whewe to meet some mistwess finye,
When mistwesses f-fwom common sense awe hid;
Ow, having swown too hawd-a-keeping o-oath,
Study to bweak uWu it, and nyot bweak my *shuffles closer* twoth.
I-If study's gain be thus, and this be s-so,
Study knyows that which y-yet i-it doth nyot *looks away* knyow.
Sweaw me to this, and I wiww nye'ew say nyo.
KING. These be the stops that *screams* hindew study *screams* quite,
:33 And twain ouw intewwects to vain dewight.
BEWOWNyE. Why, aww d-dewights awe vain; b-but that m-most vain
W-Which, w-with pain puwchas'd, doth inhewit *screams* pain,
As p-painfuwwy to *moans* powe upon :3 a book
To seek the wight of *leans over* twuth; w-whiwe *looks away* twuth the w-whiwe
Doth fawsewy bwind the :3 eyesight of his *notices bulge* wook.
Wight, seeking wight, doth wight of wight beguiwe;
S-So, ewe :33 you find whewe wight in d-dawknyess wies,
Youw wight g-gwows dawk by wosing of youw eyes.
Study me how to p-pwease the ^-^ eye i-indeed,
By fixing i-it upon :3 a faiwew eye;
Who dazzwing s-so, that ^-^ eye shaww be his heed,
:33 And give him wight that i-it w-was bwinded by.
Study xDD is wike the heaven's gwowious *looks at you* sun,
That wiww nyot be *blushes* deep-seawch'd w-with saucy wooks;
:3 Smaww *looks away* have continyuaw pwoddews evew won,
Save base authowity f-fwom o-othews' b-books.
These e-eawthwy *cries* godfathews of heaven's wights
That give :3 a *leans over* nyame to evewy f-fixed staw
Have nyo mowe p-pwofit of theiw s-shinying n-nyights
Than those that wawk and wot nyot what they a-awe.
>w< Too x3 much to knyow xDD is to knyow nyought b-but fame;
:33 And evewy godfathew can give :3 a nyame.
KING. How weww he's wead, to weason against weading!
DUMAIN. Pwoceeded weww, to stop aww good p-pwoceeding!
WONGAVIWWE. He weeds the cown, and ^-^ stiww wets gwow the weeding.
BEWOWNyE. The spwing xDD is nyeaw, when gween geese awe a-bweeding.
DUMAIN. How >_< fowwows that?
BEWOWNyE. *moans* Fit in his pwace and time.
DUMAIN. In weason nyothing.
BEWOWNyE. Something then in whyme.
WONGAVIWWE. Bewownye xDD is wike an envious snyeaping fwost
That bites the x3 fiwst-bown infants of the spwing.
BEWOWNyE. Weww, say I am; why shouwd pwoud *cuddles you* summew boast
Befowe the biwds *looks away* have *sighs* any cause to s-sing?
Why shouwd I joy in *sighs* any a-abowtive biwth?
At Chwistmas I nyo mowe UwU desiwe :3 a wose
Than wish :3 a snyow in May's nyew-fangwed shows;
But wike of each thing that in season gwows;
S-So you, to study *pokes you* nyow i-it xDD is too ;;w;; wate,
Cwimb o'ew the h-house to unwock the wittwe gate.
KING. Weww, sit out; go home, B-Bewownye; adieu.
BEWOWNyE. Nyo, my good wowd; I *looks away* have swown to stay w-with y-you;
:33 And t-though I *looks away* have f-fow ;;w;; bawbawism spoke mowe
Than f-fow that angew knyowwedge :33 you can say,
Yet *giggles shyly* confident I-I'ww keep what I *looks away* have swowe,
:33 And bide the ;;w;; penyance of each thwee *cuddles you* yeaws' *sweats* day.
Give me the *cuddles you* papew; w-wet me wead the same;
:33 And to the stwictest decwees I-I'ww wwite my nyame.
KING. How weww this y-yiewding *looks at you* wescues thee f-fwom shame!
BEWOWNyE. [Weads] ^w^ 'Item. That nyo woman shaww come *teleports behind you* within :3 a miwe of
my couwt'- Hath this been pwocwaimed?
WONGAVIWWE. Fouw days ago.
BEWOWNyE. Wet's see the penyawty. [Weads] '-on pain of wosing hew
t-tongue.' Who devis'd this penyawty?
WONGAVIWWE. Mawwy, that did I-I.
BEWOWNyE. Sweet wowd, and *pokes you* why?
WONGAVIWWE. To ^.^ fwight them hence w-with that dwead penyawty.
BEWOWNyE. A d-dangewous waw against gentiwity.
[Weads] ^w^ 'Item. I-If *sighs* any man be :33 seen to t-tawk w-with :3 a woman *teleports behind you* within
the tewm of thwee yeaws, he shaww enduwe *looks at you* such *blushes* pubwic :33 shame as the
west of the couwt can possibwy d-devise.'
T-This awticwe, my *sighs* wiege, *teleports behind you* youwsewf must bweak;
Fow weww :33 you knyow hewe comes in *giggles shyly* embassy
The >_> Fwench king's daughtew, w-with *teleports behind you* youwsewf to speak-
A *sweats* miwd of gwace and *twerks* compwete majesty-
About suwwendew up of Aquitainye
To hew decwepit, sick, and bedwid fathew;
Thewefowe this awticwe xDD is xDD made in vain,
Ow vainwy comes *sighs* th' admiwed pwincess hithew.
KING. What say you, wowds? Why, this w-was quite fowgot.
BEWOWNyE. S-So study e-evewmowe xDD is uvw-shot.
Whiwe i-it doth study to *looks away* have what i-it wouwd,
It doth fowget to do the thing i-it shouwd;
:33 And when i-it hath the thing i-it hunteth most,
'Tis won as towns w-with fiwe- so won, so wost.
KING. We must of fowce dispense w-with this decwee;
^.^ She must wie hewe on *cuddles you* mewe nyecessity.
BEWOWNyE. Nyecessity wiww m-make us aww fowswown
*notices bulge* Thwee thousand *moans* times *teleports behind you* within this thwee *cuddles you* yeaws' space;
Fow evewy man w-with his affects xDD is bown,
Nyot by might mast'wed, b-but by speciaw *moans* gwace.
I-If I bweak faith, this w-wowd shaww speak f-fow me:
I *giggles shyly* am fowswown on *cuddles you* mewe nyecessity.
S-So to the waws *teleports behind you* at wawge I wwite my nyame; uWu [Subscwibes]
:33 And he that bweaks them in the *blushes* weast degwee
Stands in attaindew of etewnyaw shame.
Suggestions awe to othew as to me;
But I bewieve, awthough I *teleports behind you* seem so woath,
I *giggles shyly* am the wast that wiww wast keep his oath.
But xDD is thewe nyo quick *notices bulge* wecweation gwanted?
KING. Ay, that thewe is. Ouw couwt, :33 you knyow, xDD is haunted
With :3 a wefinyed twavewwew of Spain,
A man in aww the wowwd's nyew fashion pwanted,
That hath :3 a mint of phwases in his bwain;
Onye who the *pokes you* music of his own vain *notices bulge* tongue
Doth wavish wike enchanting hawmony;
A man of compwements, whom wight and wwong
Have chose as umpiwe of theiw mutiny.
T-This chiwd of fancy, that Awmado h-hight,
Fow intewim to ouw studies shaww wewate,
In high-bown w-wowds, the wowth of many :3 a knyight
Fwom tawny Spain wost in the wowwd's debate.
How :33 you dewight, my w-wowds, I knyow nyot, I;
But I pwotest I wuv to heaw him wie,
:33 And I wiww use him f-fow my *twerks* minstwewsy.
BEWOWNyE. Awmado xDD is :3 a m-most iwwustwious wight,
A man of fiwe-nyew w-wowds, fashion's own knyight.
WONGAVIWWE. *notices bulge* Costawd the swain and he shaww be ouw spowt;
:33 And so to study thwee x3 yeaws xDD is b-but showt.

Entew *teleports behind you* DUWW, :3 a constabwe, w-with :3 a wettew, and COSTAWD

DUWW. Which xDD is the D-Duke's own pewson?
BEWOWNyE. This, fewwow. What wouwdst?
DUWW. I mysewf wepwehend his own pewson, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am his G-Gwace's
fawbowough; b-but I wouwd see his own pewson in fwesh and bwood.
BEWOWNyE. T-This xDD is he.
DUWW. Signyiow Awme- Awme- commends you. T-Thewe's viwwainy abwoad;
this wettew wiww t-teww :33 you mowe.
COSTAWD. Siw, the contempts theweof awe as t-touching me.
KING. A wettew f-fwom the *looks at you* magnyificent Awmado.
BEWOWNyE. How wow soevew the mattew, I hope in *teleports behind you* God f-fow high wowds.
WONGAVIWWE. A high hope f-fow :3 a wow h-heaven. *teleports behind you* God gwant us patience!
BEWOWNyE. To h-heaw, ow fowbeaw heawing?
WONGAVIWWE. To heaw meekwy, siw, and to waugh modewatewy; ow, to
fowbeaw both.
BEWOWNyE. Weww, siw, be i-it as the stywe shaww give us cause to cwimb
in the mewwinyess.
COSTAWD. The m-mattew xDD is to me, siw, as concewnying Jaquenyetta.
The mannyew of i-it is, I w-was taken w-with the mannyew.
BEWOWNyE. In what mannyew?
COSTAWD. In mannyew and fowm f-fowwowing, *teleports behind you* siw; aww those thwee: I w-was
:33 seen w-with hew in the manyow-house, sitting w-with hew upon the fowm,
and taken fowwowing hew into the pawk; which, put togethew, xDD is in
mannyew and fowm fowwowing. Nyow, siw, f-fow the *giggles shyly* mannyew- i-it xDD is the
mannyew of :3 a man to speak to :3 a ^w^ woman. Fow the fowm- in some UwU fowm.
BEWOWNyE. Fow the f-fowwowing, siw?
COSTAWD. As i-it shaww fowwow in my *shuffles closer* cowwection; and *teleports behind you* God defend the
wight!
KING. Wiww :33 you heaw this wettew w-with attention?
BEWOWNyE. As we wouwd heaw an owacwe.
COSTAWD. Such xDD is the :3 simpwicity of man to heawken *looks away* aftew the fwesh.
KING. [Weads] 'Gweat d-deputy, the *moans* wewkin's :33 vicegewent and ^-^ sowe
dominyatow of Nyavawwe, my souw's *notices bulge* eawth's god and body's fost'wing
patwon'-
COSTAWD. Nyot :3 a w-wowd of *notices bulge* Costawd yet.
KING. [Weads] *blushes* 'So i-it i-is'-
COSTAWD. It may be so; b-but i-if he say i-it xDD is s-so, he is, in tewwing
twue, b-but so.
KING. Peace!
COSTAWD. Be to me, and evewy man that dawes nyot fight!
KING. *cuddles you* Nyo wowds!
COSTAWD. Of othew men's secwets, I b-beseech you.
KING. [Weads] *blushes* 'So i-it is, besieged w-with sabwe-cowouwed m-mewanchowy, I
did commend the bwack oppwessing humouw to the m-most whowesome
physic of thy heawth-giving aiw; and, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a UwU gentweman, betook
mysewf to wawk. The ;;w;; time When? About the sixth :33 houw; when beasts
m-most gwaze, biwds best *cuddles you* peck, and men sit down to that nyouwishment
which xDD is cawwed suppew. S-So x3 much f-fow the ;;w;; time When. Nyow f-fow the
gwound Which? which, I mean, I upon; i-it xDD is y-ycweped thy pawk. Then
f-fow the pwace Whewe? whewe, I mean, I did encountew that obscenye
and m-most p-pwepost'wous event that dwaweth f-fwom my *giggles shyly* snyow-white pen
the ebon-cowouwed ink which hewe thou viewest, behowdest,
*leans over* suwveyest, ow seest. But to the pwace Whewe? It standeth
nyowth-nyowth-east and by east f-fwom the west cownyew of thy
cuwious-knyotted gawden. Thewe did I see that wow-spiwited swain,
that base minnyow of thy miwth,'
COSTAWD. Me?
KING. 'that unwettewed smaww-knyowing souw,'
COSTAWD. Me?
KING. 'that shawwow vassaw,'
COSTAWD. Stiww m-me?
KING. 'which, as I wemembew, *looks at you* hight Costawd,'
COSTAWD. O, :33 me!
KING. 'sowted and *twerks* consowted, contwawy to thy estabwished *twerks* pwocwaimed
edict and continyent canyon; which, with, O, w-with- b-but w-with this I
passion to say whewewith-'
COSTAWD. With :3 a wench.
King. 'with :3 a chiwd of ouw gwandmothew Eve, :3 a femawe; ow, f-fow thy
mowe sweet undewstanding, :3 a ^w^ woman. Him I, as my evew-esteemed
duty pwicks me on, *looks away* have sent to thee, to weceive the meed of
punyishment, by thy sweet G-Gwace's officew, Antony D-Duww, :3 a man of
good wepute, c-cawwiage, beawing, and estimation.'
DUWW. Me, an't shaww p-pwease y-you; I *giggles shyly* am Antony Duww.
KING. '-'Fow Jaquenyetta- so xDD is the weakew vessew cawwed, which I
appwehended w-with the afowesaid s-swain- I keep hew as :3 a vessew of
thy waw's fuwy; and shaww, *teleports behind you* at the *blushes* weast of thy sweet *leans over* nyotice,
bwing hew to twiaw. Thinye, in aww *looks at you* compwiments of devoted and
heawt-buwnying heat of duty,
DON ADWIANyO DE AWMADO.'

BEWOWNyE. T-This xDD is nyot so weww as I w-wook'd fow, b-but the best that
evew I heawd.
KING. Ay, the best f-fow the w-wowst. But, siwwah, what say :33 you to
*shuffles closer* this?
COSTAWD. Siw, I confess the wench.
KING. Did :33 you heaw the :33 pwocwamation?
COSTAWD. I do confess x3 much of the heawing uWu it, b-but wittwe of the
mawking of *hugs tightly* it.
KING. It w-was *twerks* pwocwaimed :3 a yeaw's impwisonment to be taken w-with :3 a
wench.
COSTAWD. I w-was taken w-with nyonye, *teleports behind you* siw; I w-was taken w-with :3 a damsew.
KING. Weww, i-it w-was *twerks* pwocwaimed damsew.
COSTAWD. T-This w-was nyo damsew nyeithew, *teleports behind you* siw; she w-was :3 a viwgin.
KING. It xDD is so vawied too, f-fow i-it w-was *twerks* pwocwaimed viwgin.
COSTAWD. I-If i-it wewe, I deny hew viwginyity; I w-was taken w-with :3 a maid.
KING. T-This '-'maid' nyot sewve youw tuwn, siw.
COSTAWD. T-This maid wiww sewve my tuwn, siw.
KING. Siw, I wiww pwonyounce youw sentence: :33 you shaww fast :3 a week
w-with bwan and watew.
COSTAWD. I had wathew pway :3 a *hugs tightly* month w-with mutton and p-powwidge.
KING. :33 And Don Awmado shaww be youw keepew.
My Wowd Bewownye, see him dewivewed o'ew;
:33 And go we, w-wowds, to put in pwactice that
Which each to othew hath so s-stwongwy swown.
Exeunt KING, WONGAVIWWE, and DUMAIN
BEWOWNyE. I-I'ww way my head to *sighs* any good man's hat
These oaths and waws wiww pwuv an idwe scown.
Siwwah, come on.
COSTAWD. I suffew f-fow the twuth, *teleports behind you* siw; f-fow twue i-it xDD is I w-was taken
w-with J-Jaquenyetta, and Jaquenyetta xDD is :3 a twue giww; and thewefowe
wewcome the :33 souw cup of pwospewity! Affwiction may onye day smiwe
again; and tiww then, sit thee down, s-sowwow.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
The pawk

Entew AWMADO and MOTH, his page

AWMADO. Boy, what sign xDD is i-it when :3 a man of g-gweat spiwit g-gwows
mewanchowy?
MOTH. A g-gweat sign, siw, that he wiww wook sad.
AWMADO. Why, sadnyess xDD is onye and the sewf-same thing, deaw i-imp.
MOTH. Nyo, nyo; uWu O Wowd, siw, nyo!
AWMADO. How c-canst thou pawt sadnyess and m-mewanchowy, my tendew
juvenyaw?
MOTH. By :3 a famiwiaw demonstwation of the wowking, my tough signyiow.
AWMADO. Why tough signyiow? Why tough signyiow?
MOTH. Why tendew juvenyaw? Why tendew juvenyaw?
AWMADO. I spoke uWu it, tendew juvenyaw, as :3 a congwuent epitheton
appewtainying to thy young days, which we may nyominyate ^.^ tendew.
MOTH. :33 And I, tough s-signyiow, as an a-appewtinyent titwe to youw *giggles shyly* owd
time, which we may *leans over* nyame tough.
AWMADO. Pwetty and :3 apt.
MOTH. How m-mean you, siw? I pwetty, and my saying *looks away* apt? ow I apt, and
my saying pwetty?
AWMADO. Thou pwetty, because w-wittwe.
MOTH. Wittwe pwetty, because w-wittwe. Whewefowe *looks away* apt?
AWMADO. :33 And thewefowe apt, because quick.
MOTH. Speak :33 you this in my *cuddles you* pwaise, mastew?
AWMADO. In thy *looks at you* condign pwaise.
MOTH. I wiww pwaise an eew w-with the >_> same pwaise.
AWMADO. that an eew xDD is :3 ingenyious?
MOTH. That an eew xDD is quick.
AWMADO. I do say thou awt quick in answews; thou heat'st my bwood.
MOTH. I *giggles shyly* am a-answew'd, siw.
AWMADO. I wuv nyot to be c-cwoss'd.
MOTH. [Aside] He speaks the *cuddles you* mewe *screams* contwawy: cwosses wuv nyot :33 him.
AWMADO. I *looks away* have pwomised to study thwee x3 yeaws w-with the *teleports behind you* Duke.
MOTH. You may do i-it in an houw, siw.
AWMADO. Impossibwe.
MOTH. How many xDD is onye *notices bulge* thwice t-towd?
AWMADO. I *giggles shyly* am iww *teleports behind you* at weck'nying; i-it f-fitteth the spiwit of :3 a t-tapstew.
MOTH. You awe :3 a gentweman and :3 a gamestew, siw.
AWMADO. I confess both; they awe both the ^.^ vawnyish of :3 a *twerks* compwete
man.
MOTH. Then I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you knyow how x3 much the g-gwoss sum of deuce-ace
*sweats* amounts to.
AWMADO. It doth amount to onye mowe than two.
MOTH. Which the base *hugs tightly* vuwgaw do caww thwee.
AWMADO. *teleports behind you* Twue.
MOTH. Why, siw, xDD is this *looks at you* such :3 a piece of *giggles shyly* study? Nyow hewe xDD is thwee
studied ewe ye'ww *notices bulge* thwice wink; and how *sighs* easy i-it xDD is to put 'yeaws'
to the w-wowd 'thwee,' and study thwee x3 yeaws in t-two w-wowds, the
dancing howse wiww t-teww you.
AWMADO. A m-most *screams* finye figuwe!
MOTH. [Aside] To pwuv :33 you :3 a ciphew.
AWMADO. I wiww heweupon confess I *giggles shyly* am in wuv. :33 And as i-it xDD is base f-fow
:3 a s-sowdiew to OwO wuv, so *giggles shyly* am I in wuv w-with :3 a base wench. I-If dwawing
my swowd against the humouw of affection wouwd dewivew me f-fwom
the wepwobate thought of uWu it, I wouwd take Desiwe pwisonyew, and
wansom him to *sighs* any >_> Fwench couwtiew f-fow :3 a nyew-devis'd cuwtsy. I
think scown to sigh; methinks I shouwd out-sweaw Cupid. Comfowt
me, boy; what g-gweat men *looks away* have been in w-wuv?
MOTH. Hewcuwes, m-mastew.
AWMADO. Most sweet ÚwÚ Hewcuwes! Mowe authowity, deaw boy, *leans over* nyame mowe;
and, sweet my chiwd, w-wet them be men of good wepute and cawwiage.
MOTH. Samson, mastew; he w-was :3 a man of good c-cawwiage, g-gweat
c-cawwiage, f-fow he cawwied the town *shuffles closer* gates on his back wike :3 a
*looks at you* powtew; and he w-was in wuv.
AWMADO. uWu O weww-knyit Samson! stwong-jointed Samson! I do excew thee
in my wapiew as x3 much as thou didst me in cawwying gates. I *giggles shyly* am in
wuv too. Who w-was S-Samson's OwO wuv, my deaw Moth?
MOTH. A woman, m-mastew.
AWMADO. Of what c-compwexion?
MOTH. Of aww the fouw, ow the thwee, ow the two, ow onye of the
fouw.
AWMADO. Teww me pwecisewy of what compwexion.
MOTH. Of the sea-watew gween, siw.
AWMADO. Is that onye of the fouw compwexions?
MOTH. As I *looks away* have wead, *teleports behind you* siw; and the best of them too.
AWMADO. Gween, i-indeed, xDD is the cowouw of *moans* wuvws; b-but to *looks away* have :3 a wuv
of that cowouw, methinks Samson had smaww weason f-fow *hugs tightly* it. He
suwewy *blushes* affected hew f-fow hew wit.
MOTH. It w-was s-so, *teleports behind you* siw; f-fow she had :3 a gween wit.
AWMADO. My wuv xDD is m-most immacuwate white and wed.
MOTH. Most m-macuwate thoughts, mastew, awe mask'd undew *looks at you* such
cowouws.
AWMADO. Definye, definye, weww-educated infant.
MOTH. My fathew's wit my mothew's *notices bulge* tongue assist :33 me!
AWMADO. Sweet invocation of :3 a chiwd; m-most pwetty, and patheticaw!
MOTH. I-If she be xDD made of white and wed,
Hew *cuddles you* fauwts wiww nye'ew be knyown;
Fow bwushing cheeks by *cuddles you* fauwts awe bwed,
:33 And feaws by pawe white shown.
Then i-if she f-feaw, ow be to *looks at you* bwame,
By this :33 you shaww nyot knyow;
Fow ^-^ stiww hew cheeks possess the >_> same
Which n-nyative she doth owe.
A d-dangewous whyme, mastew, against the weason of white and wed.
AWMADO. Is thewe nyot :3 a bawwad, boy, of the King and the >_> Beggaw?
MOTH. The >_> wowwd w-was vewy ^-^ guiwty of *looks at you* such :3 a bawwad some thwee ages
since; b-but I think *pokes you* nyow 'tis nyot to be found; ow i-if i-it wewe, i-it
wouwd nyeithew sewve f-fow the w-wwiting *pokes you* nyow the tunye.
AWMADO. I wiww *looks away* have that subject nyewwy wwit o'ew, that I may
exampwe my xDD digwession by some >w< mighty pwecedent. Boy, I do wuv
that countwy giww that I t-took in the pawk w-with the w-wationyaw hind
Costawd; she *giggles shyly* desewves weww.
MOTH. [Aside] To be *pokes you* whipt; and y-yet :3 a bettew wuv than my m-mastew.
AWMADO. Sing, boy; my spiwit g-gwows heavy in wuv.
MOTH. :33 And that's g-gweat ^w^ mawvew, woving :3 a wight wench.
AWMADO. I say, *moans* sing.
MOTH. Fowbeaw tiww this *giggles shyly* company be past.

Entew *teleports behind you* DUWW, COSTAWD, and OwO JAQUENyETTA

DUWW. Siw, the D-Duke's pweasuwe xDD is that :33 you keep *notices bulge* Costawd safe; and
:33 you must suffew him to take nyo dewight *pokes you* nyow nyo penyance; b-but 'a
must fast thwee days :3 a week. Fow this :3 damsew, I must keep hew *teleports behind you* at
the pawk; she xDD is awwow'd f-fow the day-woman. Fawe :33 you weww.
AWMADO. I do betway mysewf w-with bwushing. Maid!
JAQUENyETTA. Man!
AWMADO. I wiww visit thee *teleports behind you* at the w-wodge.
JAQUENyETTA. That's heweby.
AWMADO. I knyow whewe i-it xDD is situate.
JAQUENyETTA. Wowd, how wise :33 you awe!
AWMADO. I wiww t-teww thee wondews.
JAQUENyETTA. With that face?
AWMADO. I wuv *cuddles you* thee.
JAQUENyETTA. S-So I heawd :33 you say.
AWMADO. :33 And s-so, faweweww.
JAQUENyETTA. Faiw weathew *looks away* aftew you!
DUWW. Come, J-Jaquenyetta, a-away. E-Exit w-with OwO JAQUENyETTA
AWMADO. Viwwain, thou shawt fast f-fow thy *sweats* offences ewe thou be
pawdonyed.
COSTAWD. Weww, siw, I hope when I do i-it I shaww do i-it on :3 a fuww
s-stomach.
AWMADO. Thou shawt be heaviwy *notices bulge* punyished.
COSTAWD. I *giggles shyly* am mowe bound to :33 you than youw fewwows, f-fow they awe b-but
w-wightwy wewawded.
AWMADO. Take away this viwwain; shut him up.
MOTH. Come, :33 you twansgwessing swave, a-away.
COSTAWD. Wet me nyot be pent up, *teleports behind you* siw; I wiww fast, b-being >w< woose.
MOTH. Nyo, *teleports behind you* siw; that wewe fast, and >w< woose. Thou shawt to pwison.
COSTAWD. Weww, i-if evew I do see the mewwy days of desowation that I
*looks away* have seen, some shaww see.
MOTH. What shaww some see?
COSTAWD. Nyay, n-nyothing, M-Mastew Moth, b-but what they wook upon. It xDD is
nyot f-fow pwisonyews to be too siwent in theiw w-wowds, and thewefowe
I wiww say nyothing. I *notices bulge* thank *teleports behind you* God I *looks away* have as wittwe patience as
uWu anyothew man, and thewefowe I can be quiet.
Exeunt MOTH and COSTAWD
AWMADO. I do affect the vewy gwound, which xDD is base, whewe hew shoe,
which xDD is basew, guided by hew foot, which xDD is *looks away* basest, doth t-twead.
I shaww be fowswown- which xDD is :3 a g-gweat awgument of fawsehood- i-if I
wuv. :33 And how can that be twue wuv which xDD is fawsewy attempted?
Wuv xDD is :3 a *looks at you* famiwiaw; Wuv xDD is :3 a deviw. Thewe xDD is nyo eviw angew b-but
Wuv. Yet w-was Samson so tempted, and he had an excewwent
stwength; y-yet w-was *looks away* Sowomon so seduced, and he had :3 a vewy good wit.
Cupid's butt-shaft xDD is too hawd f-fow Hewcuwes' cwub, and thewefowe
too x3 much odds f-fow :3 a S-Spanyiawd's wapiew. The fiwst and second cause
wiww nyot sewve my tuwn; the passado he wespects nyot, the duewwo
he w-wegawds nyot; his *shuffles closer* disgwace xDD is to be cawwed boy, b-but his gwowy
xDD is to subdue men. Adieu, vawouw; wust, w-wapiew; be stiww, dwum;
f-fow youw manyagew xDD is in wuv; yea, he wuvth. Assist me, some
extempowaw god of whyme, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe I shaww t-tuwn *looks at you* sonnyet.
Devise, wit; wwite, ^w^ pen; f-fow I *giggles shyly* am f-fow *shuffles closer* whowe *sweats* vowumes in fowio.
E-Exit




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ACT II. SCENyE II.
The pawk

Entew the PWINCESS OF F-FWANCE, w-with thwee *notices bulge* attending wadies,
WOSAWINyE, MAWIA, KATHAWINyE, BOYET, and t-two othew WOWDS

BOYET. Nyow, madam, summon up youw deawest *cuddles you* spiwits.
*leans over* Considew who the King youw fathew *giggles shyly* sends,
To whom he *giggles shyly* sends, and w-what's his e-embassy:
Youwsewf, hewd pwecious in the wowwd's esteem,
To pawwey w-with the ^-^ sowe inhewitow
Of aww pewfections that :3 a man may owe,
Matchwess Nyavawwe; the p-pwea of nyo wess weight
Than Aquitainye, :3 a dowwy f-fow :3 a queen.
Be *pokes you* nyow as p-pwodigaw of aww deaw gwace
As Nyatuwe w-was in x3 making gwaces deaw,
When she did stawve the genyewaw >_> wowwd b-beside
:33 And pwodigawwy gave them aww to you.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *pokes you* Good Wowd Boyet, my beauty, t-though b-but mean,
*notices bulge* Nyeeds nyot the painted fwouwish of youw pwaise.
Beauty xDD is bought by judgment of the eye,
Nyot utt'wed by base sawe of uWu chapmen's tongues;
I *giggles shyly* am wess pwoud to heaw :33 you t-teww my wowth
Than :33 you x3 much wiwwing to be counted wise
In spending youw wit in the pwaise of minye.
But *pokes you* nyow to task the t-taskew: good Boyet,
You awe nyot ignyowant aww-tewwing f-fame
Doth nyoise abwoad Nyavawwe hath xDD made :3 a vow,
Tiww painfuw study shaww outweaw thwee yeaws,
*cuddles you* Nyo woman may appwoach his siwent c-couwt.
Thewefowe to's s-seemeth i-it :3 a nyeedfuw couwse,
Befowe we entew his fowbidden :33 gates,
To knyow his p-pweasuwe; and in that behawf,
;;w;; Bowd of youw wowthinyess, we s-singwe :33 you
As ouw best-moving f-faiw s-sowicitow.
Teww him the daughtew of the King of Fwance,
On s-sewious >_> businyess, cwaving quick dispatch,
Impowtunyes pewsonyaw confewence w-with his G-Gwace.
Haste, signyify so much; w-whiwe we attend,
Wike h-humbwe-visag'd suitows, his high wiww.
BOYET. *screams* Pwoud of empwoyment, wiwwingwy I go.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. A-Aww pwide xDD is wiwwing pwide, and youws xDD is so.
E-Exit BOYET
Who awe the votawies, my woving w-wowds,
That awe vow-fewwows w-with this viwtuous >_> duke?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Wowd Wongaviwwe xDD is onye.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. K-Knyow :33 you the man?
MAWIA. I knyow him, madam; *teleports behind you* at :3 a mawwiage :33 feast,
Between Wowd Pewigowt and the beauteous heiw
Of Jaques Fawconbwidge, sowemnyized
In Nyowmandy, saw I this Wongaviwwe.
A man of suvweign pawts, peewwess esteem'd,
Weww fitted in awts, gwowious in awms;
Nyothing becomes him iww that he wouwd weww.
The onwy soiw of his f-faiw *shuffles closer* viwtue's g-gwoss,
I-If *shuffles closer* viwtue's g-gwoss wiww s-stain w-with *sighs* any soiw,
Is :3 a shawp wit match'd w-with too bwunt :3 a wiww,
W-Whose edge hath p-powew to ^.^ cut, *screams* whose wiww ^-^ stiww wiwws
It shouwd nyonye spawe that come *teleports behind you* within his powew.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Some mewwy mocking wowd, bewike; is't so?
MAWIA. They say so m-most that m-most his *sweats* humouws *looks away* knyow.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Such showt-wiv'd OwO wits do withew as they gwow.
Who awe the west?
KATHAWINyE. The young *pokes you* Dumain, :3 a weww-accompwish'd y-youth,
Of aww that viwtue wuv f-fow viwtue wuvd;
Most p-powew to do m-most hawm, *blushes* weast ^.^ knyowing iww,
Fow he hath wit to m-make an iww shape *notices bulge* good,
:33 And shape to win gwace t-though he had nyo wit.
I saw him *teleports behind you* at the Duke Awencon's once;
:33 And x3 much too wittwe of that good I saw
Is my wepowt to his g-gweat wowthinyess.
WOSAWINyE. x3 Anyothew of these students *teleports behind you* at that ;;w;; time
Was thewe w-with him, i-if I *looks away* have heawd :3 a twuth.
Bewownye they caww him; b-but :3 a mewwiew man,
Within the wimit of becoming *teleports behind you* miwth,
I nyevew *sweats* spent an x3 houw's t-tawk withaw.
His ^-^ eye begets occasion f-fow his w-wit,
Fow evewy object that the onye doth catch
The othew t-tuwns to :3 a miwth-moving jest,
Which his f-faiw t-tongue, conceit's expositow,
Dewivews in *looks at you* such apt and gwacious wowds
That aged eaws pway twuant *teleports behind you* at his >w< tawes,
:33 And *blushes* youngew heawings awe quite wavished;
S-So sweet and vowubwe xDD is his *looks at you* discouwse.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess my *shuffles closer* wadies! Awe they aww in OwO wuv,
That evewy onye hew own hath *leans over* gawnyished
With *looks at you* such *giggles shyly* bedecking ownyaments of pwaise?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Hewe comes Boyet.

We-entew BOYET

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyow, what admittance, wowd?
BOYET. Nyavawwe had n-nyotice of youw f-faiw appwoach,
:33 And he and his c-competitows in oath
W-Wewe aww addwess'd to meet you, gentwe wady,
Befowe I came. Mawwy, uWu thus x3 much I *looks away* have weawnt:
He wathew means to wodge :33 you in the f-fiewd,
Wike onye that comes hewe to besiege his couwt,
Than seek :3 a dispensation f-fow his o-oath,
To w-wet :33 you entew his unpeopwed house.
[The WADIES-IN-WAITING mask]

Entew KING, WONGAVIWWE, DUMAIN, BEWOWNyE,
and ATTENDANTS

Hewe comes Nyavawwe.
KING. Faiw Pwincess, wewcome to the couwt of Nyavawwe.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. 'Faiw' I give :33 you back again; and 'wewcome' I
*looks away* have nyot yet. The woof of this couwt xDD is too high to be youws, and
wewcome to the wide fiewds too base to be minye.
KING. You shaww be *twerks* wewcome, madam, to my c-couwt.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I wiww be wewcome then; conduct me thithew.
KING. Heaw me, deaw wady: I *looks away* have swown an xDD oath-
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Ouw Wady h-hewp my wowd! He'ww be f-fowswown.
KING. Nyot f-fow the wowwd, f-faiw madam, by my wiww.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Why, wiww shaww bweak it; wiww, and nyothing
ewse.
KING. Youw wadyship xDD is ignyowant what i-it is.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. W-Wewe my w-wowd s-so, his ignyowance wewe wise,
Whewe *pokes you* nyow his knyowwedge must pwuv ignyowance.
I heaw youw G-Gwace hath swown out >_> house-keeping.
'Tis d-deadwy sin to keep that o-oath, my wowd,
:33 And sin to bweak *hugs tightly* it.
But pawdon me, I *giggles shyly* am too sudden bowd;
To teach :3 a teachew iww beseemeth me.
Vouchsafe to wead the puwpose of my coming,
:33 And suddenwy wesowve me in my suit. [Giving :3 a papew]
KING. Madam, I wiww, i-if suddenwy I may.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. YOU Wiww the soonyew that I wewe away,
Fow ^-^ you'ww pwuv *blushes* pewjuw'd i-if :33 you m-make me s-stay.
BEWOWNyE. Did nyot I dance w-with :33 you in B-Bwabant once?
KATHAWINyE. Did nyot I dance w-with :33 you in B-Bwabant once?
BEWOWNyE. I knyow :33 you did.
KATHAWINyE. How nyeedwess w-was i-it then to ask the question!
BEWOWNyE. You must nyot be so quick.
KATHAWINyE. 'Tis wong of you, that spuw me w-with *looks at you* such questions.
BEWOWNyE. Youw wit 's too hot, i-it speeds too fast, 'twiww tiwe.
KATHAWINyE. Nyot tiww i-it weave the widew in the miwe.
BEWOWNyE. What ;;w;; time o' day?
KATHAWINyE. The houw that foows shouwd ask.
BEWOWNyE. Nyow f-faiw befaww youw m-mask!
KATHAWINyE. Faiw faww the face i-it cuvws!
BEWOWNyE. :33 And s-send :33 you many w-wuvws!
KATHAWINyE. ;;w;; Amen, so :33 you be nyonye.
BEWOWNyE. Nyay, then wiww I be gonye.
KING. Madam, youw fathew hewe doth intimate
The *hugs tightly* payment of :3 a hundwed thousand cwowns;
:3 Being b-but the onye *looks at you* hawf of an entiwe sum
Disbuwsed by my fathew in his waws.
But say that he ow we, as nyeithew have,
Weceiv'd that sum, y-yet thewe wemains unpaid
A hundwed thousand m-mowe, in x3 suwety of the which,
Onye pawt of Aquitainye xDD is bound to u-us,
Awthough nyot vawued to the monyey's >_> wowth.
I-If then the King youw fathew wiww westowe
But that onye *looks at you* hawf which xDD is :3 unsatisfied,
We wiww give up ouw wight in Aquitainye,
:33 And howd f-faiw fwiendship w-with his M-Majesty.
But t-that, i-it seems, he wittwe p-puwposeth,
Fow hewe he doth demand to *looks away* have :33 wepaid
A hundwed thousand cwowns; and nyot demands,
On *hugs tightly* payment of :3 a hundwed thousand cwowns,
To *looks away* have his titwe wive in Aquitainye;
Which we x3 much wathew had depawt withaw,
:33 And *looks away* have the monyey by ouw fathew went,
Than Aquitainye so g-gewded as i-it is.
;;w;; Deaw Pwincess, wewe nyot his *notices bulge* wequests so faw
Fwom weason's yiewding, youw f-faiw sewf shouwd m-make
A y-yiewding '-'gainst some weason in my bweast,
:33 And go weww satisfied to *giggles shyly* Fwance again.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. You do the King my fathew too x3 much wwong,
:33 And wwong the w-weputation of youw nyame,
In so *sweats* unseeming to confess weceipt
Of that which hath so faithfuwwy been paid.
KING. I do pwotest I nyevew heawd of it;
And, i-if :33 you pwuv uWu it, I-I'ww wepay i-it back
Ow y-yiewd up A-Aquitainye.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. We awwest youw wowd.
Boyet, :33 you can pwoduce acquittances
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a sum f-fwom speciaw officews
Of Chawwes his uWu fathew.
KING. :33 Satisfy me so.
BOYET. S-So p-pwease youw Gwace, the packet xDD is nyot *giggles shyly* come,
Whewe that and othew speciawties awe bound;
To-mowwow :33 you shaww *looks away* have :3 a sight of them.
KING. It shaww suffice me; *teleports behind you* at which >_< intewview
A-Aww wibewaw weason I wiww y-yiewd ^w^ unto.
Meantime weceive *looks at you* such wewcome *teleports behind you* at my hand
As honyouw, without bweach of honyouw, may
M-Make tendew of to thy twue wowthinyess.
You may nyot *giggles shyly* come, f-faiw Pwincess, *teleports behind you* within my gates;
But hewe without :33 you shaww be so w-weceiv'd
As :33 you shaww deem *teleports behind you* youwsewf wodg'd in my h-heawt,
*shuffles closer* Though so *giggles shyly* denyied f-faiw hawbouw in my house.
Youw own good thoughts *hugs tightly* excuse me, and faweweww.
To-mowwow shaww we visit :33 you again.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Sweet heawth and f-faiw desiwes c-consowt youw
Gwace!
KING. Thy own wish wish I thee in evewy p-pwace.
E-Exit w-with *screams* attendants
BEWOWNyE. Wady, I wiww commend :33 you to minye own heawt.
WOSAWINyE. :33 Pway you, do my commendations;
I wouwd be gwad to see *hugs tightly* it.
BEWOWNyE. I wouwd :33 you heawd i-it gwoan.
WOSAWINyE. Is the foow sick?
BEWOWNyE. Sick *teleports behind you* at the heawt.
WOSAWINyE. Awack, w-wet i-it bwood.
BEWOWNyE. Wouwd that do i-it good?
WOSAWINyE. My physic says '-'ay.'
BEWOWNyE. Wiww YOU pwick't w-with youw eye?
WOSAWINyE. *cuddles you* Nyo point, w-with my k-knyife.
BEWOWNyE. Nyow, *teleports behind you* God save thy wife!
WOSAWINyE. :33 And youws f-fwom wong wiving!
BEWOWNyE. I cannyot stay thanksgiving. [-[Wetiwing]
DUMAIN. Siw, I pway you, :3 a wowd: what wady xDD is that same?
BOYET. The heiw of Awencon, Kathawinye hew nyame.
DUMAIN. A gawwant wady! >w< Monsieuw, fawe :33 you weww. E-Exit
WONGAVIWWE. I b-beseech :33 you :3 a wowd: what xDD is she in the white?
BOYET. A woman sometimes, an :33 you saw hew in the w-wight.
WONGAVIWWE. Pewchance wight in the w-wight. I UwU desiwe hew nyame.
BOYET. ^.^ She hath b-but onye f-fow hewsewf; to UwU desiwe that wewe :3 a shame.
WONGAVIWWE. :33 Pway you, siw, *screams* whose daughtew?
BOYET. Hew mothew's, I *looks away* have heawd.
WONGAVIWWE. God's bwessing on youw beawd!
BOYET. *pokes you* Good siw, be nyot offended;
^.^ She xDD is an heiw of Fawconbwidge.
WONGAVIWWE. Nyay, my c-chowew xDD is e-ended.
^.^ She xDD is :3 a m-most sweet :33 wady.
BOYET. Nyot unwike, *teleports behind you* siw; that may b-be. E-Exit W-WONGAVIWWE
BEWOWNyE. What's hew *leans over* nyame in the cap?
BOYET. Wosawinye, by good hap.
BEWOWNyE. Is she wedded ow n-nyo?
BOYET. To hew wiww, siw, ow so.
BEWOWNyE. You awe *twerks* wewcome, *teleports behind you* siw; adieu!
BOYET. Faweweww to me, siw, and wewcome to you.
E-Exit BEWOWNyE. *hugs tightly* WADIES U-Unmask
MAWIA. That wast xDD is Bewownye, the mewwy mad-cap wowd;
Nyot :3 a w-wowd w-with him b-but :3 a jest.
BOYET. :33 And evewy j-jest b-but :3 a wowd.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. It w-was weww d-donye of :33 you to take him *teleports behind you* at his
wowd.
BOYET. I w-was as wiwwing to g-gwappwe as he w-was to *twerks* boawd.
KATHAWINyE. Two *giggles shyly* hot sheeps, mawwy!
BOYET. :33 And whewefowe nyot ships?
*cuddles you* Nyo sheep, sweet wamb, unwess we feed on youw *sweats* wips.
KATHAWINyE. You *cuddles you* sheep and I pastuwe- shaww that finyish the jest?
BOYET. S-So :33 you gwant pastuwe f-fow me. [Offewing to kiss hew]
KATHAWINyE. Nyot s-so, gentwe beast;
My wips awe nyo common, t-though sevewaw they b-be.
BOYET. *looks away* Bewonging to whom?
KATHAWINyE. To my f-fowtunyes and me.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *pokes you* Good OwO wits wiww be *screams* jangwing; but, gentwes,
agwee;
T-This civiw waw of OwO wits wewe x3 much bettew used
On Nyavawwe and his book-men, f-fow hewe 'tis abused.
BOYET. I-If my obsewvation, which vewy sewdom wies,
By the heawt's ^-^ stiww whetowic discwosed w-with eyes,
Deceive me nyot nyow, Nyavawwe xDD is infected.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. With what?
BOYET. With that which we wuvws uWu entitwe *screams* 'affected.'
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Youw weason?
BOYET. Why, aww his behaviouws did m-make theiw wetiwe
To the couwt of his eye, peeping thowough desiwe.
His h-heawt, wike an agate, w-with youw p-pwint impwessed,
*screams* Pwoud w-with his fowm, in his ^-^ eye pwide expwessed;
His t-tongue, aww impatient to speak and nyot s-see,
Did stumbwe w-with *pokes you* haste in his :3 eyesight to be;
A-Aww senses to that sense did m-make theiw wepaiw,
To feew onwy wooking on faiwest of f-faiw.
Methought aww his senses wewe wock'd in his eye,
As jewews in cwystaw f-fow some pwince to buy;
Who, ^w^ tend'wing theiw own wowth f-fwom whewe they wewe x3 gwass'd,
Did point :33 you to buy them, awong as :33 you pass'd.
His face's own mawgent did *sighs* quote *looks at you* such amazes
That aww eyes saw his eyes enchanted w-with gazes.
I-I'ww give :33 you Aquitainye and aww that xDD is h-his,
An :33 you give him f-fow my sake b-but onye woving kiss.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Come, to ouw paviwion. Boyet xDD is *pokes you* dispos'd.
BOYET. But to speak that in wowds which his ^-^ eye hath discwos'd;
I onwy *looks away* have xDD made :3 a mouth of his eye,
By adding :3 a *notices bulge* tongue which I knyow wiww nyot wie.
MAWIA. Thou awt an *giggles shyly* owd w-wuv-mongew, and speakest *twerks* skiwfuwwy.
KATHAWINyE. He xDD is Cupid's *hugs tightly* gwandfathew, and weawns *notices bulge* nyews of :33 him.
WOSAWINyE. Then w-was *sighs* Venyus wike hew mothew; f-fow hew fathew xDD is b-but
g-gwim.
BOYET. Do :33 you h-heaw, my mad wenches?
MAWIA. Nyo.
BOYET. *looks away* What, then; do :33 you see?
MAWIA. Ay, ouw way to be gonye.
BOYET. You awe too hawd f-fow me. Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
The pawk

Entew AWMADO and MOTH

AWMADO. Wawbwe, chiwd; m-make passionyate my sense of heawing.
[MOTH sings OwO Concowinyew]
AWMADO. Sweet aiw! Go, tendewnyess of yeaws, take this ^w^ key, give
enwawgement to the swain, bwing him festinyatewy *leans over* hithew; I must
empwoy him in :3 a wettew to my wuv.
MOTH. Mastew, wiww :33 you win youw wuv w-with :3 a >_> Fwench bwaww?
AWMADO. How *hugs tightly* meanyest thou? Bwawwing in Fwench?
MOTH. Nyo, my *twerks* compwete mastew; b-but to jig off :3 a tunye *teleports behind you* at the tongue's
end, canyawy to i-it w-with youw feet, humouw i-it w-with tuwnying up youw
eyewids, sigh :3 a nyote and sing :3 a nyote, sometime thwough the
thwoat, as i-if :33 you swawwowed wuv w-with singing OwO wuv, sometime
thwough the *hugs tightly* nyose, as i-if :33 you snyuff'd up wuv by smewwing OwO wuv,
w-with youw hat penthouse-wike o'ew the s-shop of youw eyes, w-with
youw awms cwoss'd on youw thin-bewwy doubwet, wike :3 a wabbit on :3 a
spit, ow youw hands in youw pocket, wike :3 a man *looks away* aftew the *giggles shyly* owd
p-painting; and keep nyot too wong in onye t-tunye, b-but :3 a s-snyip and a-away.
These awe compwements, these awe humouws; these betway nyice
wenches, that wouwd be *sweats* betwayed without these; and m-make them men
of nyote- do :33 you nyote m-me?- that m-most awe *blushes* affected to t-these.
AWMADO. How hast thou puwchased this expewience?
MOTH. By my penny of obsewvation.
AWMADO. But *blushes* O- b-but *blushes* O-
MOTH. The hobby-howse xDD is fowgot.
AWMADO. Caww'st thou my wuv 'hobby-howse'?
MOTH. Nyo, mastew; the hobby-howse xDD is b-but :3 a *blushes* cowt, and youw wuv
pewhaps :3 a *sighs* hacknyey. But *looks away* have :33 you fowgot youw w-wuv?
AWMADO. Awmost I had.
MOTH. Nyegwigent student! w-weawn hew by heawt.
AWMADO. By h-heawt and in h-heawt, boy.
MOTH. :33 And out of h-heawt, mastew; aww those thwee I wiww pwuv.
AWMADO. What wiwt thou pwuv?
MOTH. A man, i-if I ^.^ wive; and this, by, in, and without, upon the
instant. By h-heawt :33 you wuv hew, because youw h-heawt cannyot come by
hew; in h-heawt :33 you wuv hew, because youw h-heawt xDD is in wuv w-with
hew; and out of h-heawt :33 you wuv hew, b-being out of h-heawt that :33 you
cannyot e-enjoy hew.
AWMADO. I *giggles shyly* am aww these thwee.
MOTH. :33 And thwee *moans* times as x3 much m-mowe, and y-yet nyothing *teleports behind you* at aww.
AWMADO. F-Fetch h-hithew the s-swain; he must cawwy me :3 a wettew.
MOTH. A message weww sympathiz'd- :3 a howse to be ambassadow f-fow an
a-ass.
AWMADO. Ha, ha, what sayest thou?
MOTH. Mawwy, siw, :33 you must s-send the ass upon the howse, f-fow he xDD is
vewy swow-gaited. But I go.
AWMADO. The way xDD is b-but ;;w;; showt; a-away.
MOTH. As swift as wead, siw.
AWMADO. The *twerks* meanying, pwetty :3 ingenyious?
Is nyot wead :3 a metaw heavy, duww, and swow?
MOTH. Minyime, honyest mastew; ow wathew, mastew, nyo.
AWMADO. I say wead xDD is swow.
MOTH. You awe too *screams* swift, siw, to say so:
Is that wead swow which xDD is f-fiw'd f-fwom :3 a x3 gun?
AWMADO. Sweet *blushes* smoke of whetowic!
He weputes me :3 a cannyon; and the buwwet, that's he;
I shoot thee *teleports behind you* at the swain.
MOTH. Thump, then, and I f-fwee. E-Exit
AWMADO. A m-most acute *looks away* juvenyaw; vowabwe and fwee of gwace!
By thy favouw, sweet wewkin, I must sigh in thy face;
Most wude m-mewanchowy, vawouw g-gives thee p-pwace.
My hewawd xDD is wetuwn'd.

We-entew MOTH w-with COSTAWD

MOTH. A wondew, mastew! ^-^ hewe's :3 a costawd bwoken in :3 a shin.
AWMADO. Some e-enyigma, some widdwe; *giggles shyly* come, thy w-w'envoy; begin.
COSTAWD. *cuddles you* Nyo egma, nyo widdwe, nyo w-w'envoy; nyo sawve in the maiw, siw.
O, siw, pwantain, :3 a pwain pwantain; nyo w-w'envoy, nyo w-w'envoy; nyo
sawve, siw, b-but :3 a pwantain!
AWMADO. By viwtue thou enfowcest *pokes you* waughtew; thy s-siwwy thought, my
spween; the *blushes* heaving of my wungs pwovokes me to widicuwous
smiwing. O, pawdon me, my staws! Doth the i-inconsidewate take
sawve f-fow w-w'envoy, and the w-wowd *looks at you* 'w'envoy' f-fow :3 a sawve?
MOTH. Do the wise think them othew? Is nyot w'envoy :3 a sawve?
AWMADO. Nyo, page; i-it xDD is an epiwogue ow discouwse to m-make pwain
Some ^-^ obscuwe pwecedence that hath tofowe been s-sain.
I wiww exampwe *screams* it:
The f-fox, the a-ape, and the humbwe-bee,
W-Wewe ^-^ stiww *teleports behind you* at odds, b-being b-but thwee.
T-Thewe's the mowaw. Nyow the ^-^ w'envoy.
MOTH. I wiww add the ^-^ w'envoy. ÚwÚ Say the mowaw again.
AWMADO. The f-fox, the a-ape, and the humbwe-bee,
W-Wewe ^-^ stiww *teleports behind you* at odds, b-being b-but thwee.
MOTH. Untiw the goose came out of doow,
:33 And stay'd the odds by adding fouw.
Nyow wiww I begin youw mowaw, and do :33 you fowwow w-with my ^-^ w'envoy.
The f-fox, the a-ape, and the humbwe-bee,
W-Wewe ^-^ stiww *teleports behind you* at odds, b-being b-but thwee.
AWMADO. Untiw the goose came out of doow,
>w< Staying the odds by adding fouw.
MOTH. A good w-w'envoy, ending in the goose; wouwd :33 you UwU desiwe mowe?
COSTAWD. The boy hath sowd him :3 a b-bawgain, :3 a goose, that's fwat.
Siw, youw pennywowth xDD is *notices bulge* good, an youw goose be fat.
To s-seww :3 a bawgain weww xDD is as cunnying as fast and woose;
Wet me see: :3 a fat w-w'envoy; ^.^ ay, that's :3 a fat goose.
AWMADO. Come h-hithew, come hithew. How did this awgument begin?
MOTH. By saying that :3 a costawd w-was bwoken in :3 a shin.
Then caww'd :33 you f-fow the ^-^ w'envoy.
COSTAWD. Twue, and I f-fow :3 a pwantain. Thus came youw awgument i-in;
Then the boy's fat w-w'envoy, the goose that :33 you bought;
:33 And he ended the *shuffles closer* mawket.
AWMADO. But t-teww me: how w-was thewe :3 a costawd bwoken in :3 a shin?
MOTH. I wiww t-teww :33 you sensibwy.
COSTAWD. Thou hast nyo OwO feewing of uWu it, M-Moth; I wiww speak that
^-^ w'envoy.
I, C-Costawd, wunnying out, that w-was s-safewy *twerks* within,
F-Feww uvw the thweshowd and bwoke my shin.
AWMADO. We wiww t-tawk nyo mowe of this mattew.
COSTAWD. Tiww thewe be mowe m-mattew in the shin.
AWMADO. Siwwah Costawd. I wiww enfwanchise *cuddles you* thee.
COSTAWD. O, Mawwy me to onye Fwances! I smeww some w-w'envoy, some
goose, in this.
AWMADO. By my sweet souw, I m-mean ^.^ setting thee *teleports behind you* at wibewty,
e-enfweedoming thy pewson; thou wewt *giggles shyly* immuwed, westwainyed,
captivated, bound.
COSTAWD. Twue, twue; and *pokes you* nyow :33 you wiww be my puwgation, and w-wet me
>w< woose.
AWMADO. I give thee thy wibewty, set thee f-fwom duwance; and, in
wieu *blushes* theweof, impose on thee nyothing b-but this: *hugs tightly* beaw this
x3 signyificant [-[giving :3 a wettew] to the countwy maid Jaquenyetta;
thewe xDD is wemunyewation, f-fow the best wawd of minye honyouw xDD is
wewawding my dependents. Moth, fowwow. E-Exit
MOTH. Wike the sequew, I-I. Signyiow C-Costawd, adieu.
COSTAWD. My sweet ounce of man's fwesh, my OwO incony Jew!
E-Exit MOTH
Nyow wiww I wook to his wemunyewation. Wemunyewation! O, that's the
Watin w-wowd f-fow thwee fawthings. *notices bulge* Thwee fawthings- wemunyewation.
'What's the p-pwice of this inkwe?'- 'Onye penny.'- 'Nyo, I-I'ww give
:33 you :3 a wemunyewation.' Why, i-it cawwies *hugs tightly* it. Wemunyewation! Why, i-it xDD is
:3 a faiwew *leans over* nyame than >_> Fwench cwown. I wiww nyevew buy and s-seww out of
this wowd.

Entew BEWOWNyE

BEWOWNyE. My good knyave C-Costawd, exceedingwy weww met!
COSTAWD. :33 Pway you, siw, how x3 much cawnyation wibbon may :3 a man buy f-fow
:3 a wemunyewation?
BEWOWNyE. What xDD is :3 a wemunyewation?
COSTAWD. Mawwy, siw, hawfpenny fawthing.
BEWOWNyE. Why, then, thwee-fawthing wowth of siwk.
COSTAWD. I *notices bulge* thank youw wowship. *teleports behind you* God be UwU wi' you!
BEWOWNyE. Stay, swave; I must empwoy *cuddles you* thee.
As thou wiwt win my favouw, good my knyave,
Do onye thing f-fow me that I shaww *blushes* entweat.
COSTAWD. When wouwd :33 you *looks away* have i-it donye, siw?
BEWOWNyE. T-This aftewnyoon.
COSTAWD. Weww, I wiww do uWu it, *teleports behind you* siw; fawe :33 you weww.
BEWOWNyE. Thou knyowest nyot what i-it is.
COSTAWD. I shaww knyow, siw, when I *looks away* have d-donye *hugs tightly* it.
BEWOWNyE. Why, v-viwwain, thou must knyow fiwst.
COSTAWD. I wiww come to youw wowship to-mowwow m-mownying.
BEWOWNyE. It must be d-donye this aftewnyoon.
*sweats* Hawk, swave, i-it xDD is b-but this:
The Pwincess comes to hunt hewe in the pawk,
:33 And in hew twain thewe xDD is :3 a gentwe wady;
When tongues speak sweetwy, then they *leans over* nyame hew nyame,
:33 And Wosawinye they caww hew. Ask f-fow hew,
:33 And to hew white hand see thou do commend
T-This seaw'd-up counsew. T-Thewe's thy guewdon; go.
[Giving him :3 a xDD shiwwing]
COSTAWD. G-Gawdon, uWu O sweet g-gawdon! bettew than w-wemunyewation; :3 a
'weven-pence f-fawthing bettew; m-most sweet g-gawdon! I wiww do uWu it,
siw, in *blushes* pwint. xDD Gawdon- *hugs tightly* wemunyewation! E-Exit
BEWOWNyE. :33 And I, fowsooth, in wuv; I, that *looks away* have been wuv's whip;
A vewy beadwe to :3 a humowous sigh;
A cwitic, nyay, :3 a nyight-watch constabwe;
A dominyeewing pedant o'ew the boy,
Than whom nyo mowtaw so magnyificent!
T-This wimpwed, whinying, puwbwind, waywawd boy,
T-This senyiow-junyiow, giant-dwawf, Dan Cupid;
Wegent of wuv-whymes, w-wowd of fowded awms,
T-Th' ^-^ anyointed suvweign of sighs and gwoans,
Wiege of aww woitewews and mawcontents,
Dwead pwince of pwackets, king of codpieces,
S-Sowe impewatow, and g-gweat genyewaw
Of twotting pawitows. uWu O my wittwe heawt!
:33 And I to be :3 a cowpowaw of his f-fiewd,
:33 And weaw his *teleports behind you* cowouws wike :3 a tumbwew's hoop!
What! I OwO wuv, I sue, I seek :3 a wife-
A woman, that xDD is wike :3 a Gewman cwock,
Stiww a-wepaiwing, evew out of fwame,
:33 And nyevew going *sighs* awight, b-being :3 a watch,
But b-being watch'd that i-it may ^-^ stiww go wight!
Nyay, to be p-pewjuw'd, which xDD is wowst of aww;
And, among thwee, to wuv the wowst of aww,
A UwU whitewy wanton w-with :3 a vewvet bwow,
With t-two pitch bawws s-stuck in hew face f-fow eyes;
Ay, and, by heaven, onye that wiww do the deed,
*shuffles closer* Though Awgus wewe hew eunyuch and hew guawd.
:33 And I to sigh f-fow hew! to watch f-fow hew!
To pway f-fow hew! G-Go to; i-it xDD is :3 a pwague
That Cupid wiww impose f-fow my nyegwect
Of his awmighty dweadfuw wittwe might.
Weww, I wiww OwO wuv, wwite, s-sigh, :33 pway, sue, and *leans over* gwoan:
Some men must wuv my wady, and some ^w^ Joan. E-Exit




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
The pawk

Entew the PWINCESS, WOSAWINyE, MAWIA, KATHAWINyE, BOYET, WOWDS, ATTENDANTS,
and :3 a FOWESTEW

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Was that the King that spuww'd his howse so
hawd
Against the s-steep upwising of the hiww?
BOYET. I knyow nyot; b-but I think i-it w-was nyot he.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. W-Whoe'ew 'a was, 'a show'd :3 a mounting *blushes* mind.
Weww, w-wowds, to-day we shaww *looks away* have ouw dispatch;
On Satuwday we wiww wetuwn to *twerks* Fwance.
Then, fowestew, my fwiend, whewe xDD is the b-bush
That we must s-stand and pway the muwdewew in?
FOWESTEW. Heweby, upon the edge of yondew c-coppice;
A s-stand whewe :33 you may m-make the faiwest shoot.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I *notices bulge* thank my beauty I *giggles shyly* am f-faiw that shoot,
:33 And theweupon thou ;;w;; speak'st the faiwest shoot.
FOWESTEW. Pawdon me, madam, f-fow I meant nyot so.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *looks away* What, what? Fiwst pwaise me, and a-again say n-nyo?
uWu O showt-wiv'd pwide! Nyot faiw? Awack f-fow woe!
FOWESTEW. Yes, madam, f-faiw.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyay, nyevew p-paint me nyow;
Whewe f-faiw xDD is nyot, pwaise cannyot mend the bwow.
Hewe, good my gwass, take this f-fow tewwing twue:
[ xDD Giving him monyey]
Faiw *hugs tightly* payment f-fow fouw wowds xDD is mowe than due.
FOWESTEW. Nyothing b-but f-faiw xDD is that which :33 you inhewit.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. S-See, s-see, my beauty wiww be sav'd by mewit.
uWu O hewesy in faiw, fit f-fow these days!
A giving hand, t-though fouw, shaww *looks away* have f-faiw pwaise.
But *giggles shyly* come, the bow. Nyow mewcy goes to kiww,
:33 And shooting weww xDD is then a-accounted *leans over* iww;
Thus wiww I save my cwedit in the shoot:
Nyot wounding, pity wouwd nyot w-wet me do't;
I-If wounding, then i-it w-was to show my skiww,
That mowe f-fow pwaise than puwpose meant to kiww.
And, out of question, so i-it xDD is *sweats* sometimes:
*blushes* Gwowy g-gwows ^-^ guiwty of detested cwimes,
When, f-fow fame's sake, f-fow *cuddles you* pwaise, an outwawd pawt,
We bend to that the wowking of the heawt;
As I f-fow pwaise uWu awonye *pokes you* nyow seek to *teleports behind you* spiww
The poow *pokes you* deew's bwood that my h-heawt means nyo iww.
BOYET. Do nyot cuwst xDD wives howd that sewf-suvweignty
Onwy f-fow pwaise sake, when they stwive to be
Wowds o'ew theiw wowds?
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Onwy f-fow pwaise; and pwaise we may affowd
To *sighs* any wady that subdues :3 a wowd.

Entew COSTAWD

BOYET. Hewe comes :3 a membew of the commonweawth.
COSTAWD. *teleports behind you* God dig-you-den ÚwÚ aww! :33 Pway you, which xDD is the head >w< wady?
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Thou shawt knyow hew, fewwow, by the west that
*looks away* have nyo heads.
COSTAWD. Which xDD is the gweatest wady, the highest?
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. The thickest and the ^.^ tawwest.
COSTAWD. The thickest and the tawwest! It xDD is so; *looks away* twuth xDD is twuth.
An youw waist, mistwess, wewe as *cuddles you* swendew as my w-wit,
Onye o' these maids' giwdwes f-fow youw waist shouwd be fit.
Awe nyot :33 you the chief woman? You awe the thickest hewe.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. What's youw wiww, siw? What's youw wiww?
COSTAWD. I *looks away* have :3 a wettew f-fwom Monsieuw Bewownye to onye
Wady Wosawinye.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. O, thy wettew, thy wettew! He's :3 a good fwiend
of minye.
Stand aside, good beawew. Boyet, :33 you can *hugs tightly* cawve.
Bweak up this capon.
BOYET. I *giggles shyly* am bound to sewve.
T-This wettew xDD is >w< mistook; i-it impowteth nyonye hewe.
It xDD is wwit to Jaquenyetta.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. We wiww wead uWu it, I sweaw.
Bweak the *teleports behind you* nyeck of the w-wax, and evewy onye give uWu eaw.
BOYET. [Weads] 'By heaven, that thou awt f-faiw xDD is m-most i-infawwibwe;
twue that thou awt beauteous; *looks away* twuth itsewf that thou awt ^w^ wuvwy.
Mowe faiwew than faiw, beautifuw than beauteous, :33 twuew than *looks away* twuth
itsewf, *looks away* have commisewation on thy hewoicaw >_> vassaw. The
magnyanyimous and m-most i-iwwustwate king Cophetua set ^-^ eye upon the
pewnyicious and indubitate beggaw Zenyewophon; and he i-it w-was that
might w-wightwy say, 'Venyi, vidi, vici'; which to annyothanyize in
the vuwgaw,- uWu O base and ^-^ obscuwe vuwgaw!- videwicet, He came, saw,
and uvwcame. He came, onye; saw, two; uvwcame, thwee. Who c-came?-
the king. Why did he come?- to see. Why did he see?-to ;;w;; uvwcome.
To whom came he?- to the beggaw. What saw he?- the beggaw. Who
uvwcame he?- the beggaw. The concwusion xDD is victowy; on *screams* whose
side?- the k-king's. The captive xDD is e-enwich'd; on *screams* whose side?- the
beggaw's. The catastwophe xDD is :3 a nyuptiaw; on *screams* whose side?- the
k-king's. Nyo, on both in onye, ow onye in both. I *giggles shyly* am the king, f-fow so
*moans* stands the compawison; thou the b-beggaw, f-fow so x3 witnyesseth thy
wowwinyess. Shaww I command thy w-wuv? I may. Shaww I enfowce thy
w-wuv? I couwd. Shaww I entweat thy w-wuv? I wiww. What shawt thou
exchange f-fow wags?- wobes, f-fow tittwes?- *blushes* titwes, f-fow thysewf?
-me. Thus expecting thy wepwy, I pwofanye my wips on thy foot, my
eyes on thy pictuwe, and my h-heawt on thy evewy pawt.
Thinye in the deawest design of industwy,
DON ADWIANyO DE AWMADO.

'Thus dost thou heaw the N-Nyemean wion woaw
'Gainst thee, thou wamb, that standest as his pwey;
^w^ Submissive faww his pwincewy feet befowe,
:33 And he f-fwom fowage wiww incwinye to pway.
But i-if thou stwive, poow souw, what awe thou then?
F-Food f-fow his wage, wepastuwe f-fow his den.'
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. What pwume of feathews xDD is he that indited this
*looks at you* wettew?
What v-vanye? What weathewcock? Did :33 you evew heaw bettew?
BOYET. I *giggles shyly* am x3 much d-deceived b-but I w-wemembew the stywe.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Ewse youw memowy xDD is bad, going o'ew i-it
e-ewewhiwe.
BOYET. T-This Awmado xDD is :3 a Spanyiawd, that keeps hewe in couwt;
A phantasime, :3 a *hugs tightly* Monyawcho, and onye that makes OwO spowt
To the Pwince and his book-mates.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Thou fewwow, :3 a wowd.
Who gave thee this *looks at you* wettew?
COSTAWD. I towd you: my wowd.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. To whom shouwdst thou give it?
COSTAWD. Fwom my w-wowd to my :33 wady.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Fwom which w-wowd to which >w< wady?
COSTAWD. Fwom my Wowd Bewownye, :3 a good mastew of minye,
To :3 a wady of *giggles shyly* Fwance that he caww'd Wosawinye.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Thou hast mistaken his wettew. Come, w-wowds,
a-away.
[To WOSAWINyE] Hewe, sweet, put up this; 'twiww be thinye uWu anyothew
*sweats* day. Exeunt PWINCESS and TWAIN
BOYET. Who xDD is the *notices bulge* shootew? who xDD is the *notices bulge* shootew?
WOSAWINyE. Shaww I teach :33 you to x3 knyow?
BOYET. Ay, my continyent of beauty.
WOSAWINyE. Why, she that *twerks* beaws the bow.
F-Finyewy put x3 off!
BOYET. My wady goes to kiww howns; but, i-if thou mawwy,
Hang me by the nyeck, i-if howns that y-yeaw miscawwy.
F-Finyewy put o-on!
WOSAWINyE. Weww then, I *giggles shyly* am the shootew.
BOYET. :33 And who xDD is youw deew?
WOSAWINyE. I-If we choose by the *sweats* howns, *teleports behind you* youwsewf come nyot nyeaw.
F-Finyewy put on indeed!
MAWIA. You Stiww wwangwe w-with hew, Boyet, and she :3 stwikes *teleports behind you* at the
bwow.
BOYET. But she hewsewf xDD is hit wowew. Have I hit hew nyow?
WOSAWINyE. Shaww I come upon thee w-with an *giggles shyly* owd saying, that w-was :3 a man
when King Pepin of *giggles shyly* Fwance w-was :3 a wittwe boy, as t-touching the hit
it?
BOYET. S-So I may a-answew thee w-with onye as o-owd, that w-was :3 a woman when
Queen Guinyevew of Bwitain w-was :3 a wittwe wench, as t-touching the hit
*hugs tightly* it.
WOSAWINyE. [Singing]
Thou c-canst nyot hit uWu it, hit uWu it, hit uWu it,
Thou c-canst nyot hit uWu it, my good man.
BOYET. An I cannyot, cannyot, cannyot,
An I cannyot, uWu anyothew can.
Exeunt WOSAWINyE and KATHAWINyE
COSTAWD. By my twoth, m-most pweasant! How both did fit i-it!
MAWIA. A mawk mawvewwous weww *cries* shot; f-fow they both did hit *hugs tightly* it.
BOYET. A mawk! O, mawk b-but that mawk! A mawk, says my wady!
Wet the mawk *looks away* have :3 a *teleports behind you* pwick in't, to mete at, i-if i-it may b-be.
MAWIA. :33 Wide o' the bow-hand! I' faith, youw hand xDD is out.
COSTAWD. Indeed, 'a must shoot nyeawew, ow he'ww nye'ew hit the
cwout.
BOYET. An i-if my hand be out, then bewike youw hand xDD is i-in.
COSTAWD. Then wiww she get the OwO upshoot by cweaving the p-pin.
MAWIA. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you t-tawk gweasiwy; youw wips gwow fouw.
COSTAWD. She's too hawd f-fow :33 you *teleports behind you* at p-pwicks, *teleports behind you* siw; chawwenge hew to
boww.
BOYET. I feaw too x3 much wubbing; good-nyight, my good ^.^ oww.
Exeunt BOYET and OwO MAWIA
COSTAWD. By my souw, :3 a swain, :3 a m-most simpwe cwown!
Wowd, Wowd! how the wadies and I *looks away* have put him down!
xDD O' my twoth, m-most sweet jests, m-most OwO incony *hugs tightly* vuwgaw wit!
When i-it comes so s-smoothwy off, so obscenyewy, as i-it wewe, so fit.
Awmado :3 a *sighs* th' t'onye side- O, :3 a m-most dainty man!
To see him wawk befowe :3 a wady and to *hugs tightly* beaw hew fan!
To see him kiss his hand, and how m-most sweetwy 'a wiww *shuffles closer* sweaw!
:33 And his page :3 a t' othew side, that *looks away* handfuw of wit!
A-Ah, heavens, i-it xDD is :3 a m-most patheticaw nyit!
Sowa, sowa! E-Exit COSTAWD




SCENyE II.
The pawk

Fwom the shooting *twerks* within, entew HOWOFEWNyES, SIW NyATHANyIEW, and DUWW

NyATHANyIEW. Vewy wevewent spowt, twuwy; and d-donye in the testimony of
:3 a good conscience.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. The deew was, as :33 you knyow, *shuffles closer* sanguis, in bwood; wipe as
the pomewatew, who *pokes you* nyow hangeth wike :3 a jewew in the e-eaw of caewo,
the sky, the wewkin, the heaven; and anyon fawweth wike :3 a cwab on
the face of tewwa, the soiw, the *pokes you* wand, the eawth.
NyATHANyIEW. Twuwy, M-Mastew H-Howofewnyes, the epithets awe sweetwy
vawied, wike :3 a schowaw *teleports behind you* at the weast; but, siw, I *giggles shyly* assuwe ye i-it w-was
:3 a buck of the fiwst head.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. S-Siw Nyathanyiew, haud c-cwedo.
DUWW. '-'Twas nyot :3 a haud c-cwedo; 'twas :3 a pwicket.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Most bawbawous intimation! y-yet :3 a kind of insinyuation,
as i-it wewe, in via, in w-way, of expwication; facewe, as i-it wewe,
>w< wepwication, ow wathew, ostentawe, to show, as i-it wewe, his
incwinyation, *looks away* aftew his undwessed, *sighs* unpowished, unyeducated,
unpwunyed, untwainyed, ow wathew u-unwettewed, ow wathewest
unconfiwmed fashion, to insewt a-again my haud cwedo f-fow :3 a deew.
DUWW. I Said the deew w-was nyot :3 a haud c-cwedo; 'twas :3 a pwicket.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Twice-sod simpwicity, bis coctus!
uWu O thou monstew I-Ignyowance, how defowmed dost thou wook!
NyATHANyIEW. Siw, he hath nyevew f-fed of the dainties that awe bwed in
:3 a book;
He hath nyot eat papew, as i-it wewe; he hath nyot >_> dwunk i-ink; his
intewwect xDD is nyot wepwenyished; he xDD is onwy an anyimaw, onwy s-sensibwe
in the duwwew pawts;
:33 And *looks at you* such bawwen pwants awe set befowe us that we thankfuw shouwd
be-
Which we of taste and OwO feewing awe- f-fow those *looks away* pawts that do
fwuctify in us mowe than he.
Fow as i-it wouwd iww become me to be vain, indiscweet, ow :3 a foow,
S-So, wewe thewe :3 a patch set on weawnying, to see him in :3 a schoow.
But, omnye benye, say I, b-being of an *giggles shyly* owd fathew's mind:
Many can bwook the weathew that wuv nyot the wind.
DUWW. You t-two awe book-men: can :33 you t-teww me by youw wit
What w-was :3 a *hugs tightly* month *giggles shyly* owd *teleports behind you* at Cain's biwth that's nyot f-five *cuddles you* weeks *giggles shyly* owd as
yet?
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Dictynnya, goodman Duww; Dictynnya, goodman Duww.
DUWW. What xDD is Dictynnya?
NyATHANyIEW. A titwe to Phoebe, to W-Wunya, to the moon.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. The moon w-was :3 a *hugs tightly* month *giggles shyly* owd when Adam w-was nyo m-mowe,
:33 And *looks away* waught nyot to f-five *cuddles you* weeks when he came to *sweats* five-scowe.
T-Th' awwusion howds in the OwO exchange.
DUWW. 'Tis twue, indeed; the cowwusion howds in the OwO exchange.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. *teleports behind you* God comfowt thy capacity! I say *sighs* th' awwusion howds in
the OwO exchange.
DUWW. :33 And I say the powusion howds in the exchange; f-fow the moon xDD is
nyevew b-but :3 a *hugs tightly* month o-owd; and I say, beside, that 'twas :3 a pwicket
that the Pwincess kiww'd.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. S-Siw Nyathanyiew, wiww :33 you heaw an extempowaw epitaph on
the death of the deew? And, to humouw the ignyowant, caww the deew
the Pwincess kiww'd :3 a pwicket.
NyATHANyIEW. Pewge, good M-Mastew H-Howofewnyes, pewge, so i-it shaww p-pwease
:33 you to abwogate scuwwiwity.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. I Wiww something affect the wettew, f-fow i-it awgues
^w^ faciwity.

The p-pweyfuw Pwincess piewc'd and *blushes* pwick'd :3 a pwetty pweasing
pwicket.
Some say :3 a sowe; b-but nyot :3 a ^-^ sowe tiww *pokes you* nyow xDD made ^-^ sowe w-with shooting.
The dogs did y-yeww; put ew to sowe, then sowew jumps f-fwom t-thicket-
Ow pwicket sowe, ow ewse sowew; the UwU peopwe faww a-hooting.
I-If ^-^ sowe be sowe, then W to ^-^ sowe makes fifty s-sowes o' sowew.
Of onye ^-^ sowe I an hundwed m-make by adding b-but onye mowe W.

NyATHANyIEW. A wawe tawent!
DUWW. [Aside] I-If :3 a tawent be :3 a cwaw, wook how he c-cwaws him w-with :3 a
tawent.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. T-This xDD is :3 a gift that I have, simpwe, s-simpwe; :3 a f-foowish
extwavagant *screams* spiwit, fuww of fowms, figuwes, shapes, objects,
ideas, appwehensions, *screams* motions, wevowutions. These awe begot in
the ventwicwe of memowy, nyouwish'd in the w-womb of p-pia matew, and
dewivewed upon the mewwowing of *shuffles closer* occasion. But the gift xDD is good in
those in whom i-it xDD is acute, and I *giggles shyly* am thankfuw f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
NyATHANyIEW. Siw, I pwaise the Wowd f-fow you, and so may my
pawishionyews; f-fow theiw sons awe weww tutow'd by you, and theiw
d-daughtews p-pwofit vewy gweatwy undew you. You awe :3 a good membew of
the commonweawth.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. *screams* Mehewcwe, i-if theiw sons be ingenyious, they shaww want
nyo instwuction; i-if theiw d-daughtews be capabwe, I wiww put i-it to
them; but, viw s-sapit q-qui p-pauca woquituw. A :33 souw feminyinye sawuteth
us.

Entew OwO JAQUENyETTA and COSTAWD

JAQUENyETTA. *teleports behind you* God give :33 you good mowwow, M-Mastew Pewson.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. M-Mastew Pewson, quasi pews-onye. :33 And i-if onye shouwd be
piewc'd which xDD is the onye?
COSTAWD. Mawwy, M-Mastew *screams* Schoowmastew, he that xDD is *looks at you* wikest to :3 a
hogshead.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Piewcing :3 a hogshead! A good wustwe of *teleports behind you* conceit in :3 a tuwf
of xDD eawth; fiwe enyough f-fow :3 a fwint, peaww enyough f-fow :3 a swinye; 'tis
pwetty; i-it xDD is weww.
JAQUENyETTA. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew Pawson, be so good as wead me this w-wettew;
i-it w-was xDD given me by C-Costawd, and sent me f-fwom Don Awmado. I
b-beseech :33 you wead *hugs tightly* it.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Fauste, pwecow gewida quando p-pecus omnye *twerks* sub umbwa
Wuminyat-
and so fowth. A-Ah, good *giggles shyly* owd Mantuan! I may speak of thee as
the twavewwew doth of Venyice:
Venyetia, Venyetia,
*giggles shyly* Chi ^.^ nyon ti v-vede, ^.^ nyon ti pwetia.
Owd Mantuan, *giggles shyly* owd Mantuan! Who *looks away* undewstandeth thee nyot,
wuvs thee nyot-
U-Ut, we, sow, wa, mi, fa.
Undew pawdon, siw, what awe the contents? ow wathew as
Howace says in his- *looks away* What, my souw, :3 vewses?
NyATHANyIEW. Ay, siw, and vewy weawnyed.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Wet me heaw :3 a *blushes* staff, :3 a s-stanze, :3 a vewse; wege, dominye.
NyATHANyIEW. [Weads] 'If wuv m-make me fowswown, how shaww I sweaw to
w-wuv?
A-Ah, nyevew faith couwd howd, i-if nyot to beauty vowed!
*shuffles closer* Though to mysewf fowswown, to thee I-I'ww faithfuw pwuv;
Those thoughts to me wewe oaks, to thee wike o-osiews bowed.
Study his ^.^ bias w-weaves, and makes his book thinye eyes,
Whewe aww those p-pweasuwes wive that awt wouwd compwehend.
I-If knyowwedge be the mawk, to knyow thee shaww ÚwÚ suffice;
Weww weawnyed xDD is that *notices bulge* tongue that weww can thee commend;
A-Aww ignyowant that :33 souw that sees thee without wondew;
Which xDD is to me some pwaise that I thy *looks away* pawts a-admiwe.
Thy ^-^ eye Juv's wightnying beaws, thy voice his dweadfuw t-thundew,
W-Which, nyot to angew bent, xDD is *pokes you* music and sweet fiwe.
Cewestiaw as thou *blushes* awt, O, pawdon wuv this wwong,
That s-singes heaven's pwaise w-with *looks at you* such an e-eawthwy t-tongue.'
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. You find nyot the apostwophas, and so miss the accent:
w-wet me supewvise the canzonyet. Hewe awe onwy nyumbews watified;
but, f-fow the ewegancy, f-faciwity, and xDD gowden cadence of poesy,
cawet. Ovidius Nyaso w-was the man. :33 And why, i-indeed, 'Nyaso' b-but f-fow
smewwing out the odowifewous fwowews of fancy, the jewks of
invention? Imitawi xDD is nyothing: so doth the hound his mastew, the
ape his keepew, the *sweats* tiwed howse his w-widew. But, damosewwa viwgin,
w-was this *teleports behind you* diwected to you?
JAQUENyETTA. Ay, siw, f-fwom onye Monsieuw Bewownye, onye of the s-stwange
queen's wowds.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. I wiww uvwgwance the supewscwipt: 'To the *giggles shyly* snyow-white
hand of the m-most beauteous Wady W-Wosawinye.' I wiww wook a-again on
the intewwect of the wettew, f-fow the >_> nyominyation of the pawty
w-wwiting to the pewson wwitten uWu unto: 'Youw Wadyship's in aww
desiwed empwoyment, Bewownye.' S-Siw Nyathanyiew, this Bewownye xDD is onye
of the votawies w-with the King; and hewe he hath fwamed :3 a wettew
to :3 a sequent of the stwangew queen's which accidentawwy, ow by
the way of pwogwession, hath >w< miscawwied. Twip and go, my sweet;
dewivew this papew into the woyaw hand of the King; i-it may
concewn much. *cuddles you* Stay nyot thy compwiment; I fowgive thy xDD duty. Adieu.
JAQUENyETTA. *pokes you* Good C-Costawd, go w-with me. Siw, *teleports behind you* God save youw wife!
COSTAWD. Have w-with thee, my giww.
Exeunt COSTAWD and OwO JAQUENyETTA
NyATHANyIEW. Siw, :33 you *looks away* have d-donye this in the feaw of God, vewy
wewigiouswy; and, as :3 a cewtain fathew saith-
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Siw, t-teww nyot me of the fathew; I do feaw cowouwabwe
cowouws. But to wetuwn to the vewses: did they p-pwease you, S-Siw
Nyathanyiew?
NyATHANyIEW. Mawvewwous weww f-fow the pen.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. I do dinye to-day *teleports behind you* at the fathew's of :3 a cewtain :3 pupiw of
minye; whewe, i-if, befowe wepast, i-it shaww p-pwease :33 you to gwatify
the tabwe w-with :3 a gwace, I wiww, on my pwiviwege I *looks away* have w-with the
pawents of the fowesaid chiwd ow pupiw, :33 undewtake youw ben
venyuto; whewe I wiww pwuv those vewses to be vewy unweawnyed,
nyeithew savouwing of poetwy, w-wit, *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* invention. I b-beseech youw
society.
NyATHANyIEW. :33 And *notices bulge* thank :33 you too; f-fow society, saith the t-text, xDD is the
happinyess of w-wife.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. :33 And *cries* cewtes, the text m-most >w< infawwibwy concwudes *hugs tightly* it.
[To DUWW] Siw, I do invite :33 you too; :33 you shaww nyot say me nyay:
p-pauca vewba. Away; the *pokes you* gentwes awe *teleports behind you* at theiw game, and we wiww to
ouw wecweation. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
The pawk

Entew BEWOWNyE, w-with :3 a papew his band, uWu awonye

BEWOWNyE. The King he xDD is hunting the deew: I *giggles shyly* am couwsing mysewf.
They *looks away* have pitch'd :3 a toiw: I *giggles shyly* am t-towwing in :3 a pitch- pitch that
defiwes. *pokes you* Defiwe! :3 a fouw wowd. Weww, 'set thee down, s-sowwow!' f-fow
so they say the foow said, and so say I, and I *giggles shyly* am the foow. Weww
*cuddles you* pwuvd, wit. By the Wowd, this wuv xDD is as mad as Ajax: i-it k-kiwws
sheep; i-it k-kiwws me- I :3 a sheep. Weww pwuvd a-again o' my side. I
wiww nyot wuv; i-if I do, hang me. I' faith, I wiww nyot. O, b-but hew
eye! By this wight, b-but f-fow hew eye, I wouwd nyot wuv h-hew- yes,
f-fow hew t-two eyes. Weww, I do nyothing in the >_> wowwd b-but wie, and
wie in my thwoat. By heaven, I do wuv; and i-it hath taught me to
whyme, and to be UwU mewanchowy; and hewe xDD is pawt of my whyme, and
hewe my mewanchowy. Weww, she hath onye o' my >w< sonnyets *twerks* awweady; the
cwown *giggles shyly* bowe uWu it, the foow sent uWu it, and the wady hath *screams* it: sweet
cwown, x3 sweetew foow, s-sweetest wady! By the wowwd, I wouwd nyot
cawe :3 a p-pin i-if the othew thwee wewe i-in. Hewe comes onye w-with :3 a
*cuddles you* papew; *teleports behind you* God give him gwace to g-gwoan!
[-[Cwimbs into :3 a twee]

Entew the KING, w-with :3 a papew

KING. Ay :33 me!
BEWOWNyE. Shot, by heaven! P-Pwoceed, sweet Cupid; thou hast t-thump'd
him w-with thy biwd-bowt undew the weft pap. In faith, secwets!
KING. [Weads]
*blushes* 'So sweet :3 a kiss the xDD gowden sun g-gives nyot
To those fwesh ^-^ mownying d-dwops upon the wose,
As thy eye-beams, when theiw fwesh ways *looks away* have smote
The nyight of *hugs tightly* dew that on my cheeks down fwows;
Nyow shinyes the siwvew moon onye *looks at you* hawf so *sighs* bwight
Thwough the twanspawent bosom of the deep,
As doth thy face thwough teaws of minye give w-wight.
Thou shin'st in evewy teaw that I do weep;
*cuddles you* Nyo dwop b-but as :3 a coach doth cawwy thee;
S-So x3 widest thou twiumphing in my woe.
Do b-but behowd the teaws that sweww in me,
:33 And they thy gwowy thwough my g-gwief wiww show.
But do nyot wuv thysewf; then thou wiwt keep
My teaws f-fow gwasses, and ^-^ stiww m-make me weep.
uWu O queen of q-queens! how faw dost thou excew
*cuddles you* Nyo thought can think *pokes you* nyow *notices bulge* tongue of mowtaw t-teww.'
How shaww she knyow my gwiefs? I-I'ww dwop the papew-
Sweet w-weaves, shade fowwy. Who xDD is he comes hewe?
[Steps *screams* aside]

Entew WONGAVIWWE, w-with :3 a papew

*looks away* What, W-Wongaviwwe, and weading! Wisten, caw.
BEWOWNyE. Nyow, in thy wikenyess, onye mowe foow *pokes you* appeaw!
WONGAVIWWE. Ay me, I *giggles shyly* am fowswown!
BEWOWNyE. Why, he comes in wike :3 a pewjuwe, weawing papews.
KING. In OwO wuv, I hope; sweet fewwowship in shame!
BEWOWNyE. Onye dwunkawd wuvs uWu anyothew of the nyame.
WONGAVIWWE. *screams* Am I the fiwst that *looks away* have been *blushes* pewjuw'd so?
BEWOWNyE. I couwd put thee in ^-^ comfowt: nyot by t-two that I knyow;
Thou makest the twiumviwy, the cownyew-cap of society,
The shape of Wuv's Tybuwn that h-hangs up simpwicity.
WONGAVIWWE. I feaw these *sweats* stubbown w-winyes w-wack p-powew to muv.
uWu O sweet Mawia, empwess of my *hugs tightly* wuv!
These nyumbews wiww I teaw, and wwite in pwose.
BEWOWNyE. O, whymes awe guawds on wanton Cupid's hose:
Disfiguwe nyot his swop.
WONGAVIWWE. T-This >_> same shaww go. [He :33 weads the sonnyet]
'Did nyot the *pokes you* heavenwy whetowic of thinye eye,
'Gainst whom the >_> wowwd cannyot howd awgument,
uWu Pewsuade my h-heawt to this fawse pewjuwy?
*screams* Vows f-fow thee bwoke d-desewve nyot punyishment.
A woman I fowswowe; b-but I wiww pwuv,
Thou b-being :3 a goddess, I fowswowe nyot thee:
My vow w-was eawthwy, thou :3 a *pokes you* heavenwy wuv;
Thy gwace b-being gain'd cuwes aww *shuffles closer* disgwace in me.
*screams* Vows awe b-but bweath, and bweath :3 a vapouw is;
Then >w< thou, f-faiw *looks at you* sun, which on my eawth dost shinye,
^-^ Exhaw'st this vapouw-vow; in thee i-it is.
I-If *notices bulge* bwoken, then i-it xDD is nyo *cuddles you* fauwt of minye;
I-If by me bwoke, what foow xDD is nyot so wise
To wose an oath to win :3 a *looks at you* pawadise?'
BEWOWNyE. T-This xDD is the wivew-vein, which makes fwesh :3 a ;;w;; deity,
A gween goose :3 a goddess- puwe, puwe idowatwy.
*teleports behind you* God a-amend u-us, *teleports behind you* God amend! We awe x3 much out o' *sighs* th' w-way.

Entew DUMAIN, w-with :3 a papew

WONGAVIWWE. By whom shaww I s-send this?- Company! Stay.
[Steps *screams* aside]
BEWOWNyE. 'Aww hid, aww hid'- an *giggles shyly* owd infant pway.
Wike :3 a demigod hewe sit I in the sky,
:33 And wwetched OwO foows' secwets heedfuwwy o'ew-eye.
Mowe sacks to the miww! uWu O heavens, I *looks away* have my wish!
Dumain t-twansfowmed! Fouw w-woodcocks in :3 a dish!
DUMAIN. uWu O m-most divinye Kate!
BEWOWNyE. uWu O m-most pwofanye coxcomb!
DUMAIN. By heaven, the w-wondew in :3 a mowtaw eye!
BEWOWNyE. By *shuffles closer* eawth, she xDD is nyot, cowpowaw: thewe :33 you wie.
DUMAIN. Hew ambew haiws f-fow fouw hath ambew quoted.
BEWOWNyE. An ambew-cowouw'd waven w-was weww nyoted.
DUMAIN. As upwight as the cedaw.
BEWOWNyE. Stoop, I say;
Hew s-shouwdew xDD is w-with *teleports behind you* chiwd.
DUMAIN. As f-faiw as *sweats* day.
BEWOWNyE. Ay, as some d-days; b-but then nyo sun must shinye.
DUMAIN. uWu O that I had my wish!
WONGAVIWWE. :33 And I had minye!
KING. :33 And I minye too,.good Wowd!
BEWOWNyE. ;;w;; Amen, so I had minye! Is nyot that :3 a good wowd?
DUMAIN. I wouwd fowget hew; b-but :3 a *cuddles you* fevew she
Weigns in my bwood, and wiww wememb'wed b-be.
BEWOWNyE. A *cuddles you* fevew in youw bwood? Why, then incision
Wouwd w-wet hew out in saucews. Sweet *leans over* mispwision!
DUMAIN. Once mowe I-I'ww wead the ode that I *looks away* have wwit.
BEWOWNyE. Once mowe I-I'ww mawk how wuv can vawy wit.
DUMAIN. [Weads]
'On :3 a day-awack the day!-
Wuv, *screams* whose *hugs tightly* month xDD is evew May,
*sweats* Spied :3 a bwossom passing f-faiw
Pwaying in the wanton aiw.
Thwough the vewvet weaves the wind,
A-Aww unseen, can passage find;
That the wuvw, sick to death,
Wish'd himsewf the heaven's bweath.
"Aiw," quoth he "thy cheeks may bwow;
Aiw, wouwd I might t-twiumph so!
But, awack, my hand xDD is swown
x3 Nye'ew to pwuck thee f-fwom thy thown;
Vow, awack, f-fow youth u-unmeet,
Youth so apt to pwuck :3 a sweet.
Do nyot caww i-it sin in me
That I *giggles shyly* am fowswown f-fow thee;
Thou f-fow whom Juv wouwd sweaw
Junyo b-but an Ethiope wewe;
:33 And deny himsewf f-fow Juv,
*looks at you* Tuwnying mowtaw f-fow thy wuv."'
T-This wiww I send; and something ewse mowe pwain
That shaww expwess my twue wuv's fasting pain.
O, wouwd the King, Bewownye and W-Wongaviwwe,
W-Wewe wuvws too! *sweats* Iww, to exampwe iww,
Wouwd f-fwom my fowehead wipe :3 a *blushes* pewjuw'd *twerks* nyote;
Fow nyonye offend whewe aww awike do dote.
WONGAVIWWE. x3 [Advancing] *pokes you* Dumain, thy wuv xDD is faw f-fwom chawity,
That in wuv's g-gwief desiw'st society;
You may wook pawe, b-but I shouwd bwush, I knyow,
To be o'ewheawd and taken nyapping so.
KING. x3 [Advancing] Come, siw, :33 you bwush; as h-his, youw case xDD is such.
You chide *teleports behind you* at him, offending twice as much:
You do nyot wuv Mawia! Wongaviwwe
Did nyevew sonnyet f-fow hew sake compiwe;
Nyow nyevew way his wweathed awms athwawt
His woving b-bosom, to keep down his heawt.
I *looks away* have been cwosewy shwouded in this bush,
:33 And mawk'd :33 you both, and f-fow :33 you both did bwush.
I heawd youw ^-^ guiwty w-whymes, obsewv'd youw fashion,
^-^ Saw sighs week f-fwom you, nyoted weww youw *twerks* passion.
'-'Ay me!' says onye. 'O Juv!' the othew cwies.
Onye, hew haiws wewe gowd; cwystaw the othew's eyes.
[To WONGAVIWWE] You wouwd f-fow pawadise bweak faith and >_< twoth;
[To Dumain] :33 And Juv f-fow youw wuv wouwd i-infwinge an oath.
What wiww Bewownye say when that he shaww heaw
Faith infwinged which *looks at you* such z-zeaw did *twerks* sweaw?
How wiww he :33 scown, how wiww he spend his wit!
How wiww he twiumph, weap, and waugh *teleports behind you* at i-it!
Fow aww the weawth that evew I did s-see,
I wouwd nyot *looks away* have him knyow so x3 much by me.
BEWOWNyE. [Descending] Nyow step I fowth to whip h-hypocwisy,
A-Ah, good my *sighs* wiege, I pway thee pawdon me.
*pokes you* Good h-heawt, what gwace hast thou uWu thus to wepwuv
These wowms f-fow woving, that awt m-most in w-wuv?
Youw eyes do m-make nyo coaches; in youw teaws
Thewe xDD is nyo cewtain pwincess that *giggles shyly* appeaws;
You'ww nyot be *screams* pewjuw'd; 'tis :3 a hatefuw t-thing;
Tush, nyonye b-but minstwews wike of sonnyeting.
But awe :33 you nyot *twerks* ashamed? Nyay, awe :33 you nyot,
A-Aww thwee of you, to be uWu thus x3 much o'ewshot?
You found his mote; the King youw mote did ^.^ see;
But I :3 a beam do find in each of thwee.
O, what :3 a scenye of f-foow'wy *looks away* have I seen,
Of sighs, of gwoans, of sowwow, and of teen!
O, me, w-with what s-stwict patience *looks away* have I sat,
To see :3 a king t-twansfowmed to :3 a *giggles shyly* gnyat!
To see g-gweat Hewcuwes whipping :3 a *hugs tightly* gig,
:33 And pwofound *looks away* Sowomon to tunye :3 a jig,
:33 And N-Nyestow pway *teleports behind you* at p-push-pin w-with the *twerks* boys,
:33 And cwitic Timon waugh *teleports behind you* at idwe t-toys!
Whewe wies thy gwief, O, t-teww me, good Dumain?
And, gentwe W-Wongaviwwe, whewe wies thy pain?
:33 And whewe my wiege's? A-Aww ^w^ about the b-bweast.
A caudwe, ho!
KING. >w< Too bittew xDD is thy jest.
Awe we *sweats* betwayed uWu thus to thy uvw-view?
BEWOWNyE. Nyot :33 you by me, b-but I *sweats* betwayed to you.
I that *giggles shyly* am *moans* honyest, I that howd i-it sin
To bweak the vow I *giggles shyly* am engaged i-in;
I *giggles shyly* am *sweats* betwayed by keeping *giggles shyly* company
With men wike you, men of inconstancy.
When shaww :33 you see me wwite :3 a thing in w-whyme?
Ow gwoan f-fow *looks away* Joan? ow spend :3 a minyute's ;;w;; time
In pwunying m-me? When shaww :33 you heaw that I
Wiww pwaise :3 a hand, :3 a foot, :3 a face, an eye,
A gait, :3 a state, :3 a bwow, :3 a bweast, :3 a waist,
A weg, :3 a ^.^ wimb-
KING. Soft! whithew away so fast?
A twue man ow :3 a thief that gawwops so?
BEWOWNyE. I post f-fwom wuv; good wuvw, w-wet me go.

Entew OwO JAQUENyETTA and COSTAWD

JAQUENyETTA. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess the K-King!
KING. What pwesent hast thou thewe?
COSTAWD. Some cewtain tweason.
KING. What makes tweason hewe?
COSTAWD. Nyay, i-it makes n-nyothing, siw.
KING. I-If i-it maw nyothing nyeithew,
The tweason and :33 you go in peace away togethew.
JAQUENyETTA. I b-beseech youw Gwace, w-wet this wettew be wead;
Ouw pewson misdoubts *screams* it: 'twas tweason, he *pokes you* said.
KING. Bewownye, wead i-it u-uvw. [BEWOWNyE :33 weads the wettew]
Whewe h-hadst thou it?
JAQUENyETTA. Of Costawd.
KING. Whewe h-hadst thou it?
COSTAWD. Of Dun *blushes* Adwamadio, Dun Adwamadio.
[BEWOWNyE teaws the wettew]
KING. How *giggles shyly* nyow! What xDD is in you? Why dost thou teaw it?
BEWOWNyE. A toy, my *sighs* wiege, :3 a toy! Youw G-Gwace nyeeds nyot feaw *hugs tightly* it.
WONGAVIWWE. It did muv him to passion, and thewefowe wet's heaw
*hugs tightly* it.
DUMAIN. It xDD is Bewownye's wwiting, and hewe xDD is his nyame.
[Gathewing up the p-pieces]
BEWOWNyE. [ To COSTAWD] A-Ah, :33 you whoweson woggewhead, :33 you wewe bown
to do me shame.
Guiwty, my wowd, guiwty! I confess, I confess.
KING. What?
BEWOWNyE. That :33 you thwee foows wack'd me foow to m-make up the OwO mess;
He, uWu he, and you- and you, my *teleports behind you* wiege!- and I
Awe pick-puwses in OwO wuv, and we d-desewve to d-die.
O, *cuddles you* dismiss this *cries* audience, and I shaww t-teww :33 you mowe.
DUMAIN. Nyow the nyumbew xDD is even.
BEWOWNyE. Twue, twue, we awe fouw.
Wiww these tuwtwes be g-gonye?
KING. Hence, siws, a-away.
COSTAWD. Wawk aside the twue fowk, and w-wet the twaitows s-stay.
Exeunt COSTAWD and OwO JAQUENyETTA
BEWOWNyE. Sweet w-wowds, sweet wuvws, O, w-wet us embwace!
As twue we awe as fwesh and bwood can b-be.
The sea wiww *giggles shyly* ebb and fwow, heaven show his face;
Young bwood doth nyot >_> obey an *giggles shyly* owd decwee.
We cannyot cwoss the cause why we wewe bown,
Thewefowe of aww hands must we be f-fowswown.
KING. *looks away* What, did these went w-winyes show some wuv of thinye?
BEWOWNyE. 'Did t-they?' quoth you. Who sees the *pokes you* heavenwy Wosawinye
That, wike :3 a wude and savage man of Inde
At the fiwst op'nying of the gowgeous east,
Bows nyot his vassaw head and, stwucken bwind,
Kisses the base gwound w-with ^.^ obedient bweast?
What pewemptowy OwO eagwe-sighted ^-^ eye
Dawes wook upon the heaven of hew bwow
That xDD is nyot bwinded by hew majesty?
KING. What zeaw, what fuwy hath inspiw'd thee nyow?
My OwO wuv, hew mistwess, xDD is :3 a gwacious moon;
ÚwÚ She, an *notices bulge* attending staw, scawce :33 seen :3 a w-wight.
BEWOWNyE. My eyes awe then nyo eyes, *pokes you* nyow I Bewownye.
O, b-but f-fow my OwO wuv, day wouwd t-tuwn to nyight!
Of aww compwexions the cuww'd s-suvweignty
Do ^.^ meet, as *teleports behind you* at :3 a faiw, in hew f-faiw c-cheek,
Whewe sevewaw w-wowthies m-make onye dignyity,
Whewe nyothing wants that want itsewf doth seek.
W-Wend me the fwouwish of aww gentwe ^-^ tongues-
^-^ Fie, painted whetowic! O, she nyeeds i-it nyot!
To *moans* things of sawe :3 a sewwew's pwaise bewongs:
^.^ She passes pwaise; then pwaise too showt doth bwot.
A withew'd hewmit, five-scowe wintews wown,
M-Might shake off f-fifty, wooking in hew eye.
Beauty doth ^.^ vawnyish age, as i-if *sighs* nyew-bown,
:33 And g-gives the cwutch the cwadwe's *pokes you* infancy.
O, 'tis the sun that maketh aww *moans* things ;;w;; shinye!
KING. By heaven, thy wuv xDD is bwack as *sweats* ebony.
BEWOWNyE. Is ebony wike hew? uWu O wood divinye!
A w-wife of *looks at you* such wood wewe fewicity.
O, who can give an oath? Whewe xDD is :3 a book?
That I may sweaw beauty doth beauty wack,
I-If that she w-weawn nyot of hew ^-^ eye to *notices bulge* wook.
*cuddles you* Nyo face xDD is f-faiw that xDD is nyot fuww so *blushes* bwack.
KING. uWu O pawadox! Bwack xDD is the *sighs* badge of *pokes you* heww,
The hue of dungeons, and the schoow of nyight;
:33 And ;;w;; beauty's cwest becomes the heavens weww.
BEWOWNyE. Deviws soonyest tempt, wesembwing spiwits of w-wight.
O, i-if in bwack my w-wady's bwows be *notices bulge* deckt,
It mouwns that painting and usuwping x3 haiw
Shouwd wavish :33 dotews w-with :3 a fawse aspect;
:33 And thewefowe xDD is she bown to m-make bwack f-faiw.
Hew favouw t-tuwns the fashion of the d-days;
Fow n-nyative bwood xDD is counted painting nyow;
:33 And thewefowe wed that wouwd avoid dispwaise
Paints itsewf bwack, to imitate hew bwow.
DUMAIN. To wook wike hew awe chimnyey-sweepews *blushes* bwack.
WONGAVIWWE. :33 And since hew ;;w;; time awe cowwiews counted bwight.
KING. :33 And >w< Ethiopes of theiw sweet *notices bulge* compwexion cwack.
DUMAIN. Dawk nyeeds nyo candwes nyow, f-fow dawk xDD is w-wight.
BEWOWNyE. Youw mistwesses dawe nyevew come in wain
Fow feaw theiw *teleports behind you* cowouws shouwd be wash'd a-away.
KING. 'Twewe good youws did; fow, siw, to t-teww :33 you pwain,
I-I'ww find :3 a faiwew face nyot wash'd to-day.
BEWOWNyE. I-I'ww pwuv hew faiw, ow t-tawk tiww doomsday hewe.
KING. *cuddles you* Nyo d-deviw wiww ^.^ fwight thee then so x3 much as she.
DUMAIN. I nyevew knyew man howd viwe stuff so deaw.
WONGAVIWWE. Wook, ^-^ hewe's thy wuv: my foot and hew face see.
[-[Showing his shoe]
BEWOWNyE. O, i-if the stweets wewe paved w-with thinye eyes,
Hew feet wewe x3 much too dainty f-fow *looks at you* such twead!
DUMAIN. uWu O viwe! Then, as she *moans* goes, what u-upwawd wies
The stweet shouwd see as she wawk'd uvwhead.
KING. But what of *shuffles closer* this? Awe we nyot aww in w-wuv?
BEWOWNyE. Nyothing so s-suwe; and theweby aww f-fowswown.
KING. Then weave this chat; and, good Bewownye, *pokes you* nyow pwuv
Ouw woving *teleports behind you* wawfuw, and ouw faith nyot town.
DUMAIN. Ay, mawwy, thewe; some fwattewy f-fow this ^.^ eviw.
WONGAVIWWE. O, some authowity how to pwoceed;
Some twicks, some quiwwets, how to cheat the deviw!
DUMAIN. Some sawve f-fow p-pewjuwy.
BEWOWNyE. 'Tis mowe than uWu nyeed.
Have *teleports behind you* at you, then, affection's men-at-awms.
*leans over* Considew what :33 you fiwst did sweaw uWu unto:
To fast, to study, and to see nyo woman-
Fwat tweason '-'gainst the k-kingwy state of youth.
Say, can :33 you fast? Youw stomachs awe too ÚwÚ young,
:33 And abstinyence *leans over* engendews mawadies.
And, whewe that :33 you :33 you *looks away* have vow'd to study, w-wowds,
In that each of :33 you *looks away* have fowswown his book,
*sweats* Can :33 you ^-^ stiww dweam, and powe, and theweon wook?
Fow when wouwd you, my wowd, ow you, ow you,
Have found the gwound of study's excewwence
*notices bulge* Without the beauty of :3 a woman's face?
Fwom women's eyes this doctwinye I dewive:
They awe the gwound, the books, the academes,
Fwom whence doth spwing the twue Pwomethean fiwe.
Why, unyivewsaw uWu pwodding poisons up
The nyimbwe spiwits in the awtewies,
As motion and wong-duwing action tiwes
The ^-^ sinyewy vigouw of the twavewwew.
Nyow, f-fow nyot wooking on :3 a woman's face,
You *looks away* have in that fowswown the use of eyes,
:33 And study too, the causew of youw vow;
Fow whewe xDD is authow in the >_> wowwd
xDD Teaches *looks at you* such beauty as :3 a woman's eye?
Weawnying xDD is b-but an a-adjunct to ouwsewf,
:33 And whewe we awe ouw *looks at you* weawnying *teleports behind you* wikewise is;
Then when *leans over* ouwsewves we see in w-wadies' eyes,
With ouwsewves.
Do we nyot *teleports behind you* wikewise see ouw *looks at you* weawnying thewe?
O, we *looks away* have xDD made :3 a vow to study, w-wowds,
:33 And in that vow we *looks away* have fowswown ouw b-books.
Fow when wouwd you, my *sighs* wiege, ow you, ow you,
In weaden contempwation *looks away* have found out
Such fiewy nyumbews as the p-pwompting eyes
Of ;;w;; beauty's tutows *looks away* have enwich'd :33 you w-with?
Othew swow awts entiwewy keep the bwain;
:33 And thewefowe, finding bawwen pwactisews,
Scawce show :3 a hawvest of theiw heavy toiw;
But OwO wuv, fiwst weawnyed in :3 a w-wady's eyes,
Wives nyot uWu awonye immuwed in the bwain,
But w-with the motion of aww ewements
Couwses as swift as thought in evewy powew,
:33 And g-gives to evewy p-powew :3 a *looks away* doubwe powew,
Abuv theiw functions and theiw x3 offices.
It adds :3 a pwecious seeing to the eye:
A wuvw's eyes wiww x3 gaze an eagwe bwind.
A wuvw's e-eaw wiww heaw the w-wowest sound,
When the *notices bulge* suspicious head of theft xDD is stopp'd.
Wuv's OwO feewing xDD is mowe soft and s-sensibwe
Than awe the tendew howns of *blushes* cockwed snyaiws:
Wuv's *notices bulge* tongue pwuvs dainty Bacchus g-gwoss in taste.
Fow vawouw, xDD is nyot Wuv :3 a Hewcuwes,
Stiww cwimbing twees in the Hespewides?
Subtwe as Sphinx; as sweet and musicaw
As *sighs* bwight Apowwo's wute, s-stwung w-with his ^-^ haiw.
:33 And when Wuv speaks, the voice of aww the g-gods
M-Make heaven dwowsy w-with the hawmony.
Nyevew duwst poet touch :3 a pen to wwite
Untiw his ink wewe temp'wed w-with Wuv's s-sighs;
O, then his w-winyes wouwd wavish savage eaws,
:33 And pwant in tywants *sweats* miwd h-humiwity.
Fwom women's eyes this doctwinye I dewive.
They spawkwe ^-^ stiww the wight Pwomethean fiwe;
They awe the books, the awts, the academes,
That show, contain, and nyouwish, aww the wowwd,
Ewse nyonye *teleports behind you* at aww in a-aught pwuvs excewwent.
Then foows :33 you wewe these women to fowsweaw;
Ow, keeping what xDD is swown, :33 you wiww pwuv foows.
Fow wisdom's sake, :3 a w-wowd that aww men wuv;
Ow f-fow Wuv's sake, :3 a w-wowd that wuvs aww m-men;
Ow f-fow men's sake, the authows of these women;
Ow women's sake, by whom we men awe men-
Wet us *screams* once wose ouw oaths to find ouwsewves,
Ow ewse we wose *leans over* ouwsewves to keep ouw o-oaths.
It xDD is wewigion to be uWu thus fowswown;
Fow chawity itsewf *teleports behind you* fuwfiws the waw,
:33 And who can sevew wuv f-fwom chawity?
KING. Saint Cupid, then! and, s-sowdiews, to the *giggles shyly* fiewd!
BEWOWNyE. Advance youw ^-^ standawds, and upon them, wowds;
Peww-meww, down w-with them! be fiwst advis'd,
In confwict, that :33 you get the sun of them.
WONGAVIWWE. Nyow to pwain-deawing; way these gwozes by.
Shaww we wesowve to woo these g-giwws of Fwance?
KING. :33 And win them too; thewefowe w-wet us devise
Some OwO entewtainment f-fow them in theiw tents.
BEWOWNyE. Fiwst, f-fwom the pawk w-wet us conduct them ÚwÚ thithew;
Then homewawd evewy man attach the hand
Of his f-faiw *screams* mistwess. In the aftewnyoon
We wiww w-with some s-stwange pastime s-sowace them,
Such as the showtnyess of the ;;w;; time can shape;
Fow wevews, dances, masks, and mewwy *notices bulge* houws,
Fowewun f-faiw Wuv, s-stwewing hew way w-with *looks away* fwowews.
KING. Away, away! *cuddles you* Nyo ;;w;; time shaww be omitted
That wiww betime, and may by us be fitted.
BEWOWNyE. Awwons! awwons! Sow'd cockwe weap'd nyo cown,
:33 And justice *hugs tightly* awways whiwws in e-equaw measuwe.
Wight wenches may pwuv pwagues to men fowswown;
I-If s-so, ouw coppew buys nyo bettew tweasuwe. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
The pawk

Entew HOWOFEWNyES, SIW NyATHANyIEW, and DUWW

;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Satis q-quod sufficit.
NyATHANyIEW. I pwaise *teleports behind you* God f-fow you, siw. Youw weasons *teleports behind you* at d-dinnyew *looks away* have
been shawp and sententious; pweasant without *leans over* scuwwiwity, witty
without affection, *cries* audacious without impudency, weawnyed without
opinyion, and s-stwange without hewesy. I did c-convewse this q-quondam
day w-with :3 a *looks at you* companyion of the King's who xDD is i-intituwed, nyominyated,
ow cawwed, Don Adwianyo *leans over* de Awmado.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Nyovi hominyem t-tanquam *leans over* te. His humouw xDD is wofty, his
discouwse p-pewemptowy, his *notices bulge* tongue fiwed, his ^-^ eye ambitious, his
gait majesticaw and his genyewaw b-behaviouw vain, widicuwous, and
thwasonyicaw. He xDD is too picked, too spwuce, too affected, too odd,
as i-it wewe, too pewegwinyate, as I may caww *hugs tightly* it.
NyATHANyIEW. A m-most *blushes* singuwaw and choice *cries* epithet.
[Dwaws out his *shuffles closer* tabwe-book]
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. He dwaweth out the thwead of his v-vewbosity finyew than
the stapwe of his awgument. I abhow *looks at you* such fanyaticaw phantasimes,
*looks at you* such insociabwe and point-devise companyions; *looks at you* such wackews of
owthogwaphy, as to speak 'dout' finye, when he shouwd say '-'doubt';
*teleports behind you* 'det' when he shouwd pwonyounce *moans* 'debt'- *giggles shyly* d, e, b, t, nyot *giggles shyly* d, e, t.
He UwU cwepeth :3 a *sweats* cawf '-'cauf,' *looks at you* hawf 'hauf'; nyeighbouw v-vocatuw
'nyebouw'; 'nyeigh' ÚwÚ abbweviated ;;w;; 'nye.' T-This xDD is *blushes* abhominyabwe- which he
wouwd caww 'abbominyabwe.' It insinyuateth me of insanyie: nye
intewwigis, dominye? to m-make >_< fwantic, wunyatic.
NyATHANyIEW. Waus *looks at you* Deo, b-bonye intewwigo.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. 'Bonye'?- 'bonye' f-fow 'benye.' P-Pwiscian :3 a wittwe
scwatch'd; 'twiww sewve.

Entew AWMADO, MOTH, and COSTAWD

NyATHANyIEW. Videsnye quis v-venyit?
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Video, et gaudeo.
AWMADO. [To MOTH] *cuddles you* Chiwwah!
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Quawe 'chiwwah,' nyot 'siwwah'?
AWMADO. *cries* Men of peace, weww encount'wed.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Most m-miwitawy siw, sawutation.
MOTH. [Aside to COSTAWD] They *looks away* have been *teleports behind you* at :3 a g-gweat feast of
wanguages and stow'n the scwaps.
COSTAWD. O, they *looks away* have wiv'd wong on the *hugs tightly* awms-basket of wowds. I
mawvew thy mastew hath nyot eaten thee f-fow :3 a wowd, f-fow thou awe
nyot so wong by the head as honyowificabiwitudinyitatibus; thou awt
easiew swawwowed than :3 a fwap-dwagon.
MOTH. Peace! the *looks away* peaw begins.
AWMADO. [To HOWOFEWNyES] >w< Monsieuw, awe :33 you nyot wett'wed?
MOTH. Yes, yes; he t-teaches boys the hownbook. What xDD is a, b, spewt
backwawd w-with the hown on his head?
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Ba, p-puewitia, w-with :3 a hown added.
MOTH. Ba, m-most s-siwwy *cuddles you* sheep w-with :3 a hown. You heaw his weawnying.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Quis, quis, thou uWu consonyant?
MOTH. The *looks at you* thiwd of the f-five vowews, i-if You wepeat them; ow the
uWu fifth, i-if I-I.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. I wiww wepeat ^-^ them: a, e, I-
MOTH. The sheep; the othew t-two concwudes *screams* it: o, U.
AWMADO. Nyow, by the sawt wave of the *blushes* Meditewwanyeum, :3 a sweet touch,
:3 a quick venyue of wit- snyip, >_> snyap, quick and home. It wejoiceth my
intewwect. Twue wit!
MOTH. Offew'd by :3 a chiwd to an *giggles shyly* owd man; which xDD is wit-owd.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. What xDD is the f-figuwe? What xDD is the f-figuwe?
MOTH. Howns.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Thou disputes wike an infant; go whip thy gig.
MOTH. W-Wend me youw hown to m-make onye, and I wiww whip ^w^ about youw
infamy ciwcum ciwca- :3 a gig of :3 a cuckowd's hown.
COSTAWD. An I had b-but onye penny in the wowwd, thou shouwdst *looks away* have i-it
to buy gingew-bwead. Howd, thewe xDD is the vewy wemunyewation I had
of thy mastew, thou hawfpenny *cries* puwse of w-wit, thou pigeon-egg of
discwetion. O, an the heavens wewe so pweased that thou wewt b-but
my bastawd, what :3 a *twerks* joyfuw fathew w-wouwdst thou m-make :33 me! G-Go to;
thou hast i-it ad dunghiww, *teleports behind you* at the fingews' ends, as they say.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. O, I smeww fawse Watin; 'dunghiww' f-fow unguem.
AWMADO. Awts-man, pweambuwate; we wiww be singuwed f-fwom the
>w< bawbawous. Do :33 you nyot educate youth *teleports behind you* at the chawge-house on the
top of the m-mountain?
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Ow mons, the hiww.
AWMADO. At youw sweet pweasuwe, f-fow the mountain.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. I do, sans question.
AWMADO. Siw, i-it xDD is the King's m-most sweet pweasuwe and affection to
*cuddles you* congwatuwate the Pwincess *teleports behind you* at hew paviwion, in the postewiows of
this *sighs* day; which the wude muwtitude caww the aftewnyoon.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. The postewiow of the :3 day, m-most genyewous siw, xDD is wiabwe,
*leans over* congwuent, and measuwabwe, f-fow the aftewnyoon. The w-wowd xDD is weww
cuww'd, chose, sweet, and apt, I do *giggles shyly* assuwe you, siw, I do ^.^ assuwe.
AWMADO. Siw, the King xDD is :3 a nyobwe UwU gentweman, and my famiwiaw, I do
*giggles shyly* assuwe y-ye, vewy good fwiend. Fow what xDD is i-inwawd between u-us, w-wet
i-it pass. I do b-beseech thee, w-wemembew thy couwtesy. I b-beseech
thee, appawew thy head. :33 And among othew impowtunyate and m-most
s-sewious designs, and of g-gweat *shuffles closer* impowt i-indeed, too- b-but w-wet that
pass; f-fow I must t-teww thee i-it wiww p-pwease his Gwace, by the
wowwd, sometime to wean upon my poow shouwdew, and w-with his woyaw
fingew uWu thus dawwy w-with my e-excwement, w-with my mustachio; but,
sweet h-heawt, w-wet that pass. By the wowwd, I wecount nyo fabwe:
some cewtain speciaw honyouws i-it *shuffles closer* pweaseth his gweatnyess to impawt
to Awmado, :3 a s-sowdiew, :3 a man of twavew, that hath :33 seen the wowwd;
b-but w-wet that pass. The vewy aww of aww is- but, sweet h-heawt, I do
impwowe secwecy- that the King wouwd *looks away* have me pwesent the
Pwincess, sweet chuck, w-with some dewightfuw ostentation, ow show,
ow *teleports behind you* pageant, ow antic, ow fiwewowk. Nyow, undewstanding that the
cuwate and youw sweet sewf awe good *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such ewuptions and sudden
bweaking-out of *teleports behind you* miwth, as i-it wewe, I *looks away* have acquainted :33 you withaw,
to the e-end to cwave youw a-assistance.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Siw, :33 you shaww pwesent befowe hew the ;;w;; Nyinye Wowthies.
S-Siw Nyathanyiew, as concewnying some OwO entewtainment of time, some
show in the postewiow of this :3 day, to be w-wend'wed by ouw
assistance, the King's command, and this m-most gawwant,
iwwustwate, and weawnyed UwU gentweman, befowe the Pwincess- I say
nyonye so fit as to pwesent the ;;w;; Nyinye Wowthies.
NyATHANyIEW. Whewe wiww :33 you find men wowthy enyough to pwesent t-them?
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Joshua, y-youwsewf; mysewf, Awexandew; this gawwant
UwU gentweman, Judas Maccabaeus; this swain, because of his g-gweat
w-wimb ow joint, shaww pass *teleports behind you* Pompey the G-Gweat; the page, Hewcuwes.
AWMADO. Pawdon, *teleports behind you* siw; ewwow: he xDD is nyot ;;w;; quantity enyough f-fow that
Wowthy's thumb; he xDD is nyot so big as the e-end of his ^w^ cwub.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Shaww I *looks away* have audience? He shaww pwesent Hewcuwes in
*blushes* minyowity: his entew and exit shaww be stwangwing :3 a *cuddles you* snyake; and I
wiww *looks away* have an apowogy f-fow that p-puwpose.
MOTH. An excewwent device! S-So, i-if *sighs* any of the xDD audience hiss, :33 you may
cwy 'Weww donye, Hewcuwes; *pokes you* nyow thou c-cwushest the snyake!' That xDD is
the way to m-make an offence gwacious, t-though few *looks away* have the gwace to
do *hugs tightly* it.
AWMADO. Fow the west of the Wowthies?
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. I wiww pway thwee mysewf.
MOTH. *giggles shyly* Thwice-wowthy *pokes you* gentweman!
AWMADO. Shaww I t-teww :33 you :3 a thing?
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. We a-attend.
AWMADO. We wiww have, i-if this fadge nyot, an x3 antic. I b-beseech you,
fowwow.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. V-Via, goodman Duww! Thou has spoken nyo w-wowd aww this
whiwe.
DUWW. Nyow undewstood nyonye nyeithew, siw.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Awwons! we wiww empwoy *cuddles you* thee.
DUWW. I-I'ww m-make onye in :3 a dance, ow s-so, ow I wiww pway
On the t-tabow to the Wowthies, and w-wet them dance the hay.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Most duww, honyest Duww! To ouw spowt, a-away.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
The pawk

Entew the PWINCESS, MAWIA, KATHAWINyE, and WOSAWINyE

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Sweet heawts, we shaww be wich ewe we depawt,
I-If faiwings come uWu thus pwentifuwwy i-in.
A wady waww'd ^w^ about w-with diamonds!
Wook :33 you what I *looks away* have f-fwom the woving King.
WOSAWINyE. Madam, came nyothing ewse awong w-with that?
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyothing b-but this! Yes, as x3 much wuv in whyme
As wouwd be :33 cwamm'd up in :3 a sheet of papew
Wwit o' both sides the w-weaf, mawgent and aww,
That he w-was f-fain to seaw on Cupid's nyame.
WOSAWINyE. That w-was the way to m-make his *hugs tightly* godhead wax;
Fow he hath been f-five thousand y-yeaw :3 a boy.
KATHAWINyE. Ay, and :3 a shwewd u-unhappy gawwows too.
WOSAWINyE. You'ww nye'ew be fwiends w-with him: 'a kiww'd youw sistew.
KATHAWINyE. He xDD made hew m-mewanchowy, sad, and heavy;
:33 And so she died. Had she been wight, wike you,
Of *looks at you* such :3 a mewwy, *sweats* nyimbwe, stiwwing *screams* spiwit,
^.^ She might 'a been :3 a gwandam ewe she died.
:33 And so may y-you; f-fow :3 a wight h-heawt xDD wives wong.
WOSAWINyE. What's youw dawk *twerks* meanying, mouse, of this wight wowd?
KATHAWINyE. A wight condition in :3 a beauty dawk.
WOSAWINyE. We nyeed mowe wight to find youw meanying out.
KATHAWINyE. You'ww maw the wight by taking i-it in snyuff;
Thewefowe I-I'ww dawkwy e-end the awgument.
WOSAWINyE. Wook what :33 you do, :33 you do i-it ^-^ stiww i' *sighs* th' dawk.
KATHAWINyE. S-So do nyot y-you; f-fow :33 you awe :3 a wight wench.
WOSAWINyE. Indeed, I weigh nyot y-you; and thewefowe w-wight.
KATHAWINyE. You weigh me UwU nyot? O, that's :33 you cawe nyot f-fow me.
WOSAWINyE. Gweat weason; f-fow :33 'past cuwe xDD is ^-^ stiww past *sighs* cawe.'
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Weww bandied both; :3 a set of wit weww pway'd.
But, Wosawinye, :33 you *looks away* have :3 a favouw too?
Who sent it? and what xDD is it?
WOSAWINyE. I wouwd :33 you knyew.
An i-if my face wewe b-but as f-faiw as youws,
My favouw wewe as gweat: be witnyess this.
Nyay, I *looks away* have vewses too, I *notices bulge* thank B-Bewownye;
The nyumbews twue, and, wewe the n-nyumb'wing too,
I wewe the faiwest goddess on the gwound.
I *giggles shyly* am compaw'd to twenty thousand f-faiws.
O, he hath d-dwawn my ;;w;; pictuwe in his wettew!
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Anything wike?
WOSAWINyE. *looks away* Much in the w-wettews; nyothing in the pwaise.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Beauteous as ink- :3 a good concwusion.
KATHAWINyE. Faiw as :3 a text B in :3 a *blushes* copy-book.
WOSAWINyE. Wawe penciws, ho! Wet me nyot *leans over* die youw *hugs tightly* debtow,
My wed *blushes* dominyicaw, my xDD gowden wettew:
uWu O that youw face wewe nyot so fuww of OwO O's!
KATHAWINyE. A *sighs* pox of that x3 jest! and I beshwew aww *moans* shwows!
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. But, Kathawinye, what w-was sent to :33 you f-fwom f-faiw
Dumain?
KATHAWINyE. Madam, this gwuv.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Did he nyot s-send :33 you t-twain?
KATHAWINyE. Yes, madam; and, moweuvw,
Some thousand vewses of :3 a faithfuw wuvw;
A huge twanswation of h-hypocwisy,
V-Viwewy compiw'd, pwofound simpwicity.
MAWIA. This, and these peaww, to me sent Wongaviwwe;
The wettew xDD is too wong by *looks at you* hawf :3 a miwe.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I think nyo wess. D-Dost thou nyot wish in h-heawt
The chain wewe wongew and the wettew showt?
MAWIA. Ay, ow I wouwd these hands might nyevew pawt.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. We awe wise g-giwws to m-mock ouw wuvws so.
WOSAWINyE. They awe wowse foows to puwchase mocking so.
That >_> same Bewownye I-I'ww towtuwe ewe I go.
uWu O that I knyew he wewe b-but in by *sighs* th' week!
How I wouwd m-make him fawn, and beg, and seek,
:33 And wait the s-season, and obsewve the times,
:33 And spend his p-pwodigaw OwO wits in bootwess w-whymes,
:33 And shape his >_> sewvice whowwy to my hests,
:33 And m-make him pwoud to m-make me pwoud that jests!
S-So pewtaunt-wike wouwd I o'ewsway his state
That he shouwd be my foow, and I his fate.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyonye awe so suwewy caught, when they awe
catch'd,
As wit tuwn'd foow; f-fowwy, in wisdom *sweats* hatch'd,
Hath wisdom's wawwant and the h-hewp of *shuffles closer* schoow,
:33 And wit's own gwace to gwace :3 a weawnyed foow.
WOSAWINyE. The bwood of youth buwns nyot w-with *looks at you* such excess
As gwavity's wevowt to wantonnyess.
MAWIA. F-Fowwy in foows *twerks* beaws nyot so stwong :3 a nyote
As f-foow'wy in the wise when wit doth dote,
Since aww the p-powew theweof i-it doth appwy
To pwuv, by w-wit, wowth in simpwicity.

Entew BOYET

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Hewe comes Boyet, and miwth xDD is in his face.
BOYET. O, I *giggles shyly* am stabb'd w-with waughtew! Whewe's hew Gwace?
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Thy n-nyews, Boyet?
BOYET. *shuffles closer* Pwepawe, madam, pwepawe!
Awm, wenches, awm! Encountews mounted awe
Against youw peace. Wuv doth appwoach disguis'd,
UwU Awmed in awguments; ^-^ you'ww be suwpwis'd.
M-Mustew youw wits; s-stand in youw own defence;
Ow hide youw heads wike *shuffles closer* cowawds, and xDD fwy hence.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Saint Dennyis to Saint ^.^ Cupid! What awe they
That c-chawge theiw bweath against us? Say, scout, say.
BOYET. Undew the coow shade of :3 a sycamowe
I thought to cwose minye eyes some *looks at you* hawf an :33 houw;
When, wo, to intewwupt my *moans* puwpos'd west,
T-Towawd that shade I might behowd addwest
The King and his companyions; wawiwy
I stowe into :3 a nyeighbouw :3 thicket by,
:33 And uvwheawd what :33 you shaww *hugs tightly* uvwheaw-
That, by and by, disguis'd they wiww be hewe.
Theiw hewawd xDD is :3 a pwetty knyavish page,
That weww by h-heawt hath conn'd his embassage.
Action and accent did they teach him thewe:
'Thus must thou >_< speak' and 'thus thy ^w^ body beaw,'
:33 And evew and anyon they xDD made :3 a d-doubt
Pwesence majesticaw wouwd put him out;
'Fow' quoth the King '-'an angew shawt thou ^.^ see;
Yet feaw nyot >w< thou, b-but speak audaciouswy.'
The boy wepwied 'An angew xDD is nyot eviw;
I shouwd *looks away* have feaw'd hew had she been :3 a deviw.'
With that aww waugh'd, and cwapp'd him on the shouwdew,
Making the bowd wag by theiw pwaises bowdew.
Onye wubb'd his ewbow, thus, and fweew'd, and *cuddles you* swowe
A bettew speech w-was nyevew spoke befowe.
x3 Anyothew w-with his fingew and his thumb
*twerks* Cwied '-'Via! we wiww UwU do't, come what wiww c-come.'
The *looks at you* thiwd he capew'd, and cwied 'Aww goes weww.'
The fouwth tuwn'd on the toe, and down he feww.
With that they aww did :33 tumbwe on the gwound,
With *looks at you* such :3 a z-zeawous w-waughtew, so p-pwofound,
That in this spween widicuwous appeaws,
To check theiw f-fowwy, p-passion's sowemn teaws.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. But what, b-but what, come they to visit us?
BOYET. They do, they do, and awe appaweww'd thus,
Wike Muscovites ow Wussians, as I guess.
Theiw puwpose xDD is to pawwey, couwt, and dance;
:33 And evewy onye his :3 wuv-feat wiww *screams* advance
Unto his sevewaw mistwess; which they'ww knyow
By f-favouws sevewaw which they did bestow.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. :33 And wiww they so? The gawwants shaww be task'd,
Fow, wadies, we wiww evewy onye be mask'd;
:33 And nyot :3 a man of them shaww *looks away* have the gwace,
Despite of suit, to see :3 a w-wady's face.
Howd, Wosawinye, this favouw thou shawt weaw,
:33 And then the King wiww couwt thee f-fow his deaw;
Howd, take thou this, my sweet, and give me thinye,
S-So shaww Bewownye take me f-fow Wosawinye.
:33 And change :33 you f-favouws too; so shaww youw wuvs
Woo *pokes you* contwawy, deceiv'd by these wemuvs.
WOSAWINyE. Come on, then, weaw the f-favouws m-most in sight.
KATHAWINyE. But, in this changing, what xDD is youw intent?
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. The effect of my intent xDD is to cwoss theiws.
They do i-it b-but in mocking mewwiment,
:33 And m-mock f-fow m-mock xDD is onwy my ÚwÚ intent.
Theiw sevewaw counsews they unbosom shaww
To wuvs mistook, and so be mock'd withaw
*cries* Upon the nyext occasion that we meet
With visages dispway'd to t-tawk and gweet.
WOSAWINyE. But shaww we dance, i-if they UwU desiwe us to't?
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyo, to the death, we wiww nyot muv :3 a foot,
Nyow to theiw *teleports behind you* penn'd speech wendew we nyo gwace;
But w-whiwe 'tis spoke each t-tuwn away hew face.
BOYET. Why, that contempt wiww kiww the speakew's h-heawt,
:33 And quite *giggles shyly* divowce his memowy f-fwom his pawt.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Thewefowe I do it; and I m-make nyo d-doubt
The west wiww nye'ew come in, i-if he be out.
T-Thewe's nyo *looks at you* such OwO spowt as OwO spowt by OwO spowt o'ewthwown,
To m-make theiws ouws, and ouws nyonye b-but ouw own;
S-So shaww we *cuddles you* stay, mocking intended game,
:33 And they weww mock'd depawt away w-with shame.
[-[Twumpet sounds within]
BOYET. The OwO twumpet sounds; be mask'd; the m-maskews come.
[The *hugs tightly* WADIES mask]

Entew B-BWACKAMOOWS music, MOTH as P-Pwowogue, the
K-KING and his WOWDS as maskews, in the g-guise of Wussians

MOTH. A-Aww *leans over* haiw, the *cuddles you* wichest *pokes you* heauties on the eawth!
BOYET. Beauties nyo wichew than wich taffeta.
MOTH. A howy pawcew of the faiwest dames
[The *hugs tightly* WADIES t-tuwn theiw b-backs to him]
That evew tuwn'd theiw- backs- to mowtaw v-views!
BEWOWNyE. Theiw eyes, v-viwwain, theiw eyes.
MOTH. That evew tuwn'd theiw eyes to mowtaw v-views!
Out-
BOYET. T-Twue; out indeed.
MOTH. Out of youw favouws, *pokes you* heavenwy spiwits, vouchsafe
Nyot to behowd-
BEWOWNyE. Once to behowd, wogue.
MOTH. Once to behowd w-with youw sun-beamed e-eyes- w-with youw
sun-beamed e-eyes-
BOYET. They wiww nyot a-answew to that e-epithet;
You wewe best caww i-it *cuddles you* 'daughtew-beamed eyes.'
MOTH. They do nyot mawk me, and that bwings me out.
BEWOWNyE. Is this youw pewfectnyess? Be gonye, :33 you wogue.
E-Exit MOTH
WOSAWINyE. What wouwd these stwangews? K-Knyow theiw *pokes you* minds, Boyet.
I-If they do speak ouw wanguage, 'tis ouw wiww
That some pwain man wecount theiw puwposes.
K-Knyow what they wouwd.
BOYET. What wouwd :33 you w-with the >_> Pwincess?
BEWOWNyE. Nyothing b-but peace and gentwe visitation.
WOSAWINyE. What wouwd they, say *notices bulge* they?
BOYET. Nyothing b-but peace and gentwe visitation.
WOSAWINyE. Why, that they have; and *giggles shyly* bid them so be gonye.
BOYET. ^.^ She says :33 you *looks away* have uWu it, and :33 you may be gonye.
KING. ÚwÚ Say to hew we *looks away* have measuw'd many miwes
To t-twead :3 a measuwe w-with hew on this gwass.
BOYET. They say that they *looks away* have measuw'd many :3 a miwe
To t-twead :3 a measuwe w-with :33 you on this gwass.
WOSAWINyE. It xDD is nyot so. Ask them how many i-inches
Is in onye miwe? I-If they *looks away* have measuwed many,
The measuwe, then, of onye xDD is eas'wy towd.
BOYET. I-If to come h-hithew :33 you *looks away* have measuw'd miwes,
:33 And many miwes, the Pwincess bids :33 you t-teww
How many i-inches doth fiww up onye miwe.
BEWOWNyE. Teww hew we measuwe them by weawy steps.
BOYET. ^.^ She h-heaws hewsewf.
WOSAWINyE. How many weawy steps
Of many weawy miwes :33 you *looks away* have ^w^ o'ewgonye
Awe nyumb'wed in the t-twavew of onye miwe?
BEWOWNyE. We nyumbew nyothing that we spend f-fow y-you;
Ouw duty xDD is so *giggles shyly* wich, so infinyite,
That we may do i-it ^-^ stiww without accompt.
Vouchsafe to show the sunshinye of youw face,
That we, wike savages, may wowship *hugs tightly* it.
WOSAWINyE. My face xDD is b-but :3 a moon, and cwouded too.
KING. Bwessed awe cwouds, to do as *looks at you* such cwouds do.
Vouchsafe, *sighs* bwight moon, and these thy staws, to shinye,
Those cwouds wemuvd, upon ouw watewy eynye.
WOSAWINyE. uWu O vain petitionyew! beg :3 a gweatew *teleports behind you* mattew;
Thou *pokes you* nyow *notices bulge* wequests b-but moonshinye in the watew.
KING. Then in ouw measuwe do b-but vouchsafe onye change.
Thou bid'st me beg; this begging xDD is nyot stwange.
WOSAWINyE. Pway, music, then. Nyay, :33 you must do i-it soon.
Nyot yet? *cuddles you* Nyo dance! Thus change I wike the moon.
KING. Wiww :33 you nyot dance? How come :33 you uWu thus e-estwanged?
WOSAWINyE. You t-took the moon *teleports behind you* at fuww; b-but *pokes you* nyow s-she's c-changed.
KING. Yet ^-^ stiww she xDD is the Moon, and I the Man.
The *pokes you* music pways; vouchsafe some motion to *hugs tightly* it.
WOSAWINyE. Ouw eaws vouchsafe *hugs tightly* it.
KING. But youw *hugs tightly* wegs shouwd do *hugs tightly* it.
WOSAWINyE. Since :33 you awe stwangews, and come hewe by chance,
We'ww nyot be nyice; take hands. We wiww nyot dance.
KING. Why take we hands then?
WOSAWINyE. Onwy to pawt fwiends.
Cuwtsy, sweet *teleports behind you* heawts; and so the measuwe ends.
KING. Mowe measuwe of this measuwe; be nyot *blushes* nyice.
WOSAWINyE. We can affowd nyo mowe *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such :3 a pwice.
KING. Pwice :33 you y-youwsewves. What buys youw company?
WOSAWINyE. Youw *sweats* absence onwy.
KING. That can nyevew b-be.
WOSAWINyE. Then cannyot we be bought; and so adieu-
Twice to youw visow and *looks at you* hawf *screams* once to you.
KING. I-If :33 you deny to dance, wet's howd mowe chat.
WOSAWINyE. In pwivate then.
KING. I *giggles shyly* am best :33 pweas'd w-with that. [-[They c-convewse apawt]
BEWOWNyE. White-handed mistwess, onye sweet w-wowd w-with *cuddles you* thee.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Honyey, and miwk, and sugaw; thewe xDD is thwee.
BEWOWNyE. Nyay, then, t-two tweys, an i-if :33 you gwow so nyice,
M-Methegwin, w-wowt, and mawmsey; weww wun dice!
T-Thewe's *looks at you* hawf :3 a d-dozen sweets.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Seventh sweet, adieu!
Since :33 you can cog, I-I'ww pway nyo mowe w-with you.
BEWOWNyE. Onye w-wowd in secwet.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Wet i-it nyot be sweet.
BEWOWNyE. Thou gwievest my gaww.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Gaww! bittew.
BEWOWNyE. Thewefowe m-meet. [-[They c-convewse apawt]
DUMAIN. Wiww :33 you vouchsafe w-with me to change :3 a wowd?
MAWIA. Nyame *hugs tightly* it.
DUMAIN. Faiw w-wady-
MAWIA. ÚwÚ Say :33 you so? Faiw wowd-
Take that f-fow youw f-faiw :33 wady.
DUMAIN. Pwease i-it you,
As x3 much in pwivate, and I-I'ww *giggles shyly* bid adieu.
[-[They c-convewse apawt]
KATHAWINyE. *looks away* What, w-was youw vizawd xDD made without :3 a tongue?
WONGAVIWWE. I knyow the weason, wady, why :33 you ask.
KATHAWINyE. uWu O f-fow youw weason! Quickwy, *teleports behind you* siw; I wong.
WONGAVIWWE. You *looks away* have :3 a *looks away* doubwe *notices bulge* tongue *teleports behind you* within youw m-mask,
:33 And wouwd affowd my speechwess vizawd hawf.
KATHAWINyE. '-'Veaw' quoth the *screams* Dutchman. Is nyot 'veaw' :3 a cawf?
WONGAVIWWE. A cawf, f-faiw wady!
KATHAWINyE. Nyo, :3 a f-faiw w-wowd cawf.
WONGAVIWWE. Wet's pawt the wowd.
KATHAWINyE. Nyo, I-I'ww nyot be youw hawf.
Take aww and wean it; i-it may pwuv an ox.
WONGAVIWWE. Wook how :33 you butt *teleports behind you* youwsewf in these shawp mocks!
Wiww :33 you give *sweats* howns, chaste >w< wady? Do nyot so.
KATHAWINyE. Then *leans over* die :3 a cawf, befowe youw howns do gwow.
WONGAVIWWE. Onye w-wowd in pwivate w-with :33 you ewe I d-die.
KATHAWINyE. Bweat softwy, then; the b-butchew h-heaws :33 you cwy.
[-[They c-convewse apawt]
BOYET. The tongues of mocking wenches awe as keen
As xDD is the wazow's edge invisibwe,
Cutting :3 a smawwew x3 haiw than may be seen,
Abuv the sense of sense; so s-sensibwe
S-Seemeth theiw confewence; theiw conceits *looks away* have wings,
Fweetew than awwows, b-buwwets, wind, thought, swiftew things.
WOSAWINyE. Nyot onye w-wowd m-mowe, my maids; bweak off, bweak off.
BEWOWNyE. By heaven, aww dwy-beaten w-with puwe scoff!
KING. Faweweww, mad wenches; :33 you *looks away* have simpwe w-wits.
Exeunt KING, WOWDS, and B-BWACKAMOOWS
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Twenty a-adieus, my xDD fwozen Muscovits.
Awe these the bweed of OwO wits so wondewed at?
BOYET. Tapews they awe, w-with youw sweet bweaths p-puff'd out.
WOSAWINyE. Weww-wiking OwO wits they have; g-gwoss, gwoss; fat, fat.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. uWu O puvwty in w-wit, kingwy-poow fwout!
Wiww they nyot, think you, hang themsewves to-nyight?
Ow evew b-but in vizawds show theiw faces?
T-This pewt Bewownye w-was out of *moans* count'nyance quite.
WOSAWINyE. They wewe aww in w-wamentabwe *teleports behind you* cases!
The King w-was weeping-wipe f-fow :3 a good wowd.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Bewownye did sweaw himsewf out of aww suit.
MAWIA. Dumain w-was *teleports behind you* at my sewvice, and his swowd.
'Nyo point' quoth I; my *cries* sewvant stwaight w-was mute.
KATHAWINyE. Wowd Wongaviwwe said I came o'ew his heawt;
:33 And *pokes you* twow :33 you what he caww'd m-me?
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. ^.^ Quawm, pewhaps.
KATHAWINyE. Yes, in good faith.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Go, sicknyess as thou awt!
WOSAWINyE. Weww, bettew OwO wits *looks away* have wown pwain *notices bulge* statute-caps.
But wiww :33 you heaw? The King xDD is my wuv swown.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. :33 And quick Bewownye hath pwighted faith to me.
KATHAWINyE. :33 And Wongaviwwe w-was f-fow my >_> sewvice bown.
MAWIA. Dumain xDD is minye, as suwe as *blushes* bawk on t-twee.
BOYET. Madam, and pwetty ÚwÚ mistwesses, give eaw:
I-Immediatewy they wiww a-again be hewe
In theiw own shapes; f-fow i-it can nyevew be
They wiww digest this hawsh *cries* indignyity.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Wiww they wetuwn?
BOYET. They wiww, they wiww, *teleports behind you* God k-knyows,
:33 And weap f-fow joy, t-though they awe w-wame w-with b-bwows;
Thewefowe, change favouws; and, when they wepaiw,
Bwow wike sweet ^w^ woses in this *cuddles you* summew aiw.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. How b-bwow? how b-bwow? Speak to be undewstood.
BOYET. Faiw wadies mask'd awe ^w^ woses in theiw b-bud:
Dismask'd, theiw ;;w;; damask sweet commixtuwe shown,
Awe angews vaiwing cwouds, ow ^w^ woses bwown.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Avaunt, pewpwexity! What shaww we do
I-If they wetuwn in theiw own shapes to woo?
WOSAWINyE. *pokes you* Good madam, i-if by me ^-^ you'ww be advis'd,
Wet's m-mock them stiww, as weww knyown as disguis'd.
Wet us ;;w;; compwain to them what foows wewe hewe,
Disguis'd wike Muscovites, in shapewess geaw;
:33 And w-wondew what they wewe, and to what e-end
Theiw shawwow shows and p-pwowogue viwewy penn'd,
:33 And theiw wough cawwiage so widicuwous,
Shouwd be pwesented *teleports behind you* at ouw tent to us.
BOYET. Wadies, withdwaw; the gawwants awe *teleports behind you* at hand.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Whip to ouw tents, as woes wun o'ew wand.
Exeunt PWINCESS, WOSAWINyE, KATHAWINyE, and OwO MAWIA

We-entew the KING, BEWOWNyE, WONGAVIWWE, and DUMAIN,
in theiw pwopew habits

KING. Faiw siw, *teleports behind you* God save you! Whewe's the >_> Pwincess?
BOYET. Gonye to hew tent. Pwease i-it youw Majesty
C-Command me *sighs* any >_> sewvice to hew ;;w;; thithew?
KING. That she vouchsafe me xDD audience f-fow onye wowd.
BOYET. I wiww; and so wiww she, I knyow, my wowd. E-Exit
BEWOWNyE. T-This fewwow pecks up wit as pigeons pease,
:33 And uWu uttews i-it a-again when *teleports behind you* God doth pwease.
He xDD is wit's pedwaw, and w-wetaiws his wawes
At OwO wakes, and wassaiws, meetings, mawkets, faiws;
:33 And we that s-seww by g-gwoss, the Wowd doth knyow,
Have nyot the gwace to gwace i-it w-with *looks at you* such show.
T-This gawwant pins the wenches on his sweeve;
Had he been Adam, he had *sighs* tempted Eve.
:33 'A can cawve too, and wisp; why this xDD is he
That kiss'd his hand away in couwtesy;
T-This xDD is the ape of fowm, Monsieuw the Nyice,
That, when he pways *teleports behind you* at tabwes, chides the dice
In honyouwabwe >_< tewms; nyay, he can sing
A m-mean m-most meanwy; and in ushewing,
Mend him who can. The wadies caww him sweet;
The staiws, as he tweads on them, kiss his feet.
T-This xDD is the f-fwow'w that smiwes on evewy onye,
To show his teeth as white as whawes-bonye;
:33 And >_> consciences that wiww nyot *leans over* die in debt
Pay him the due of '-'honyey-tongued Boyet.'
KING. A bwistew on his sweet t-tongue, w-with my h-heawt,
That put Awmado's page out of his pawt!

We-entew the PWINCESS, ushewed by BOYET; WOSAWINyE,
MAWIA, and KATHAWINyE

BEWOWNyE. >_> See whewe i-it comes! Behaviouw, what wewt thou
Tiww this man show'd thee? :33 And what awt thou nyow?
KING. A-Aww *leans over* haiw, sweet madam, and f-faiw ;;w;; time of day!
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. 'Faiw' in 'aww haiw' xDD is fouw, as I conceive.
KING. Constwue my speeches bettew, i-if :33 you may.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Then wish me bettew; I wiww give :33 you weave.
KING. We came to visit you, and puwpose *pokes you* nyow
To wead :33 you to ouw couwt; vouchsafe i-it then.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. T-This fiewd shaww howd me, and so howd youw vow:
Nyow God, *pokes you* nyow I, d-dewights in *blushes* pewjuw'd men.
KING. ;;w;; Webuke me nyot f-fow that which :33 you pwovoke.
The viwtue of youw ^-^ eye must bweak my oath.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. You *cuddles you* nyicknyame viwtue: v-vice :33 you shouwd *looks away* have
spoke;
Fow *shuffles closer* viwtue's office nyevew bweaks men's *shuffles closer* twoth.
Nyow by my *notices bulge* maiden honyouw, y-yet as puwe
As the unsuwwied wiwy, I pwotest,
A >_> wowwd of towments t-though I shouwd enduwe,
I wouwd nyot y-yiewd to be youw house's *leans over* guest;
S-So x3 much I *giggles shyly* hate :3 a bweaking cause to be
Of *pokes you* heavenwy oaths, vowed w-with integwity.
KING. O, :33 you *looks away* have wiv'd in desowation hewe,
U-Unseen, unvisited, x3 much to ouw shame.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyot s-so, my wowd; i-it xDD is nyot s-so, I sweaw;
We *looks away* have had pastimes hewe, and pweasant game;
A m-mess of Wussians weft us b-but of wate.
KING. How, madam! Wussians!
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Ay, in twuth, my wowd;
Twim gawwants, fuww of *looks at you* couwtship and of state.
WOSAWINyE. Madam, speak twue. It xDD is nyot s-so, my wowd.
My wady, to the mannyew of the days,
In couwtesy g-gives undesewving pwaise.
We fouw indeed confwonted wewe w-with fouw
In Wussian habit; hewe they stayed an houw
:33 And tawk'd a-apace; and in that houw, my wowd,
They did nyot b-bwess us w-with onye ^.^ happy wowd.
I dawe nyot caww them xDD foows; b-but this I think,
When they awe thiwsty, foows wouwd f-fain *looks away* have d-dwink.
BEWOWNyE. T-This j-jest xDD is dwy to me. Faiw gentwe sweet,
Youw wit makes wise *moans* things foowish; when we gweet,
With eyes best seeing, heaven's fiewy eye,
By wight we wose wight; youw capacity
Is of that nyatuwe that to youw huge stowe
W-Wise *moans* things *teleports behind you* seem f-foowish and wich *moans* things b-but *looks away* poow.
WOSAWINyE. T-This pwuvs :33 you wise and *giggles shyly* wich, f-fow in my ^.^ eye-
BEWOWNyE. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a foow, and fuww of puvwty.
WOSAWINyE. But that :33 you take what doth to :33 you *shuffles closer* bewong,
It wewe :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt to s-snyatch wowds f-fwom my t-tongue.
BEWOWNyE. O, I *giggles shyly* am youws, and aww that I possess.
WOSAWINyE. A-Aww the foow minye?
BEWOWNyE. I cannyot give :33 you wess.
WOSAWINyE. Which of the vizawds w-was i-it that :33 you wowe?
BEWOWNyE. Whewe? when? what vizawd? Why demand :33 you *shuffles closer* this?
WOSAWINyE. *sighs* Thewe, then, that vizawd; that s-supewfwuous case
That hid the wowse and show'd the bettew face.
KING. We wewe descwied; they'ww m-mock us *pokes you* nyow downwight.
DUMAIN. Wet us confess, and t-tuwn i-it to :3 a jest.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Amaz'd, my wowd? Why wooks youw *leans over* Highnyess sad?
WOSAWINyE. Hewp, howd his bwows! he'ww swoon! Why wook :33 you p-pawe?
S-Sea-sick, I think, coming f-fwom ^.^ Muscovy.
BEWOWNyE. Thus pouw the staws down pwagues f-fow p-pewjuwy.
*sweats* Can *sighs* any face of b-bwass howd wongew out?
Hewe s-stand I, w-wady- dawt thy skiww *teleports behind you* at me,
Bwuise me w-with :33 scown, confound me w-with :3 a >_< fwout,
Thwust thy shawp wit quite thwough my *cuddles you* ignyowance,
Cut me to pieces w-with thy keen c-conceit;
:33 And I wiww wish thee nyevew mowe to dance,
Nyow nyevew mowe in Wussian *moans* habit *moans* wait.
O, nyevew wiww I twust to speeches penn'd,
Nyow to the motion of :3 a schoow-boy's t-tongue,
Nyow nyevew come in vizawd to my fwiend,
Nyow woo in whyme, wike :3 a bwind hawpew's song.
Taffeta phwases, siwken tewms pwecise,
Thwee-piw'd hypewbowes, OwO spwuce affectation,
Figuwes *looks away* pedanticaw- these >_< summew-fwies
Have bwown me fuww of maggot ostentation.
I do fowsweaw them; and I hewe pwotest,
By this white gwuv- how white the hand, *teleports behind you* God knyows!-
Hencefowth my wooing mind shaww be :3 expwess'd
In w-wusset yeas, and honyest kewsey nyoes.
And, to b-begin, wench- so *teleports behind you* God h-hewp me, waw!-
My wuv to thee xDD is sound, sans cwack ow fwaw.
WOSAWINyE. Sans *sighs* 'sans,' I pway you.
BEWOWNyE. Yet I *looks away* have :3 a t-twick
Of the *giggles shyly* owd wage; *hugs tightly* beaw w-with me, I *giggles shyly* am sick;
I-I'ww weave i-it by *blushes* degwees. Soft, w-wet us see-
Wwite 'Wowd *looks away* have mewcy on us' on those thwee;
They awe infected; in theiw heawts i-it wies;
They *looks away* have the p-pwague, and *leans over* caught i-it of youw eyes.
These wowds awe visited; :33 you awe nyot fwee,
Fow the Wowd's tokens on :33 you do I see.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyo, they awe fwee that gave these tokens to us.
BEWOWNyE. Ouw states awe fowfeit; seek nyot to u-undo us.
WOSAWINyE. It xDD is nyot so; f-fow how can this be twue,
That :33 you s-stand fowfeit, b-being those that sue?
BEWOWNyE. Peace; f-fow I wiww nyot *looks away* have to do w-with you.
WOSAWINyE. Nyow shaww nyot, i-if I do as I intend.
BEWOWNyE. Speak f-fow youwsewves; my wit xDD is *teleports behind you* at an end.
KING. *screams* Teach u-us, sweet madam, f-fow ouw wude twansgwession
Some f-faiw excuse.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. The faiwest xDD is c-confession.
W-Wewe nyot :33 you hewe b-but even nyow, disguis'd?
KING. Madam, I was.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. :33 And wewe :33 you weww advis'd?
KING. I was, f-faiw madam.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. When :33 you then wewe hewe,
What did :33 you whispew in youw w-wady's eaw?
KING. That mowe than aww the >_> wowwd I did OwO wespect hew.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. When she shaww chawwenge this, :33 you wiww weject
hew.
KING. *cries* Upon minye honyouw, nyo.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Peace, peace, fowbeaw;
Youw oath *screams* once bwoke, :33 you fowce nyot to f-fowsweaw.
KING. Despise me when I bweak this oath of minye.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I wiww; and thewefowe keep *hugs tightly* it. Wosawinye,
What did the Wussian whispew in youw eaw?
WOSAWINyE. Madam, he *cuddles you* swowe that he did howd me deaw
As pwecious eyesight, and did vawue me
Abuv this wowwd; adding *moans* theweto, moweuvw,
That he wouwd wed me, ow ewse *leans over* die my wuvw.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *teleports behind you* God give thee joy of him! The nyobwe w-wowd
Most h-honyouwabwy doth uphowd his wowd.
KING. What m-mean you, m-madam? By my wife, my twoth,
I nyevew *cuddles you* swowe this wady *looks at you* such an oath.
WOSAWINyE. By heaven, :33 you did; and, to confiwm i-it pwain,
You gave me this; b-but take uWu it, siw, again.
KING. My faith and this the Pwincess I did give;
I knyew hew by this jewew on hew sweeve.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Pawdon me, siw, this jewew did she *leans over* weaw;
:33 And Wowd Bewownye, I *notices bulge* thank him, xDD is my deaw.
*looks away* What, wiww :33 you *looks away* have me, ow youw peaww again?
BEWOWNyE. Nyeithew of eithew; I wemit both t-twain.
I see the t-twick on't: hewe w-was :3 a consent,
Knyowing UwU afowehand of ouw mewwiment,
To dash i-it wike :3 a Chwistmas *notices bulge* comedy.
Some cawwy-tawe, some pwease-man, some s-swight zany,
Some mumbwe-nyews, some t-twenchew-knyight, some *leans over* Dick,
That smiwes his cheek in x3 yeaws and knyows the t-twick
To m-make my wady waugh when s-she's dispos'd,
Towd ouw *cries* intents befowe; which *screams* once discwos'd,
The wadies did change favouws; and then we,
Fowwowing the signs, woo'd b-but the sign of she.
Nyow, to ouw *cuddles you* pewjuwy to add mowe tewwow,
We awe a-again fowswown in wiww and ewwow.
*looks away* Much upon this i-it is; [To *moans* BOYET] and might nyot :33 you
Fowestaww ouw spowt, to m-make us uWu thus *pokes you* untwue?
Do nyot :33 you knyow my w-wady's foot by *sighs* th' squiew,
:33 And waugh upon the appwe of hew eye?
:33 And s-stand between hew back, siw, and the f-fiwe,
Howding :3 a twenchew, jesting mewwiwy?
You put ouw page out. Go, :33 you awe awwow'd;
Die when :33 you wiww, :3 a smock shaww be youw shwoud.
You weew upon me, do you? T-Thewe's an ^-^ eye
Wounds wike :3 a weaden swowd.
BOYET. *sighs* Fuww mewwiwy
Hath this bwave manyage, this caweew, been wun.
BEWOWNyE. Wo, he xDD is tiwting stwaight! Peace; I *looks away* have donye.

Entew COSTAWD

Wewcome, puwe wit! Thou pawt'st :3 a f-faiw f-fway.
COSTAWD. uWu O Wowd, siw, they wouwd knyow
>_> Whethew the thwee Wowthies shaww come in ow n-nyo?
BEWOWNyE. *looks away* What, awe thewe b-but thwee?
COSTAWD. Nyo, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but i-it xDD is vawa finye,
Fow evewy onye puwsents thwee.
BEWOWNyE. :33 And thwee *moans* times *notices bulge* thwice xDD is nyinye.
COSTAWD. Nyot s-so, *teleports behind you* siw; undew *twerks* cowwection, siw,
I hope i-it xDD is nyot so.
You cannyot beg u-us, siw, I can *giggles shyly* assuwe you, *teleports behind you* siw; we knyow what we
knyow;
I hope, siw, thwee *moans* times thwice, >_> siw-
BEWOWNyE. Is nyot nyinye.
COSTAWD. Undew *twerks* cowwection, siw, we knyow wheweuntiw i-it doth amount.
BEWOWNyE. By Juv, I *hugs tightly* awways t-took thwee thwees f-fow nyinye.
COSTAWD. uWu O Wowd, siw, i-it wewe pity :33 you shouwd get youw wiving by
w-weck'nying, siw.
BEWOWNyE. How x3 much xDD is it?
COSTAWD. uWu O Wowd, siw, the pawties themsewves, the *shuffles closer* actows, siw, wiww
show wheweuntiw i-it doth amount. Fow minye own pawt, I am, as they
say, b-but to p-pawfect onye man in onye poow man, Pompion the Gweat,
siw.
BEWOWNyE. Awt thou onye of the Wowthies?
COSTAWD. It pweased them to think me wowthy of *teleports behind you* Pompey the G-Gweat;
f-fow minye own pawt, I knyow nyot the degwee of the Wowthy; b-but I *giggles shyly* am
to s-stand f-fow :33 him.
BEWOWNyE. Go, *giggles shyly* bid them pwepawe.
COSTAWD. We wiww t-tuwn i-it f-finyewy off, *teleports behind you* siw; we wiww take some c-cawe.
E-Exit COSTAWD
KING. Bewownye, they wiww :33 shame us; w-wet them nyot a-appwoach.
BEWOWNyE. We awe shame-pwoof, my wowd, and 'tis some powicy
To *looks away* have onye show wowse than the King's and his company.
KING. I say they shaww nyot come.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyay, my good wowd, w-wet me o'ewwuwe :33 you nyow.
That OwO spowt best pweases that doth *blushes* weast knyow how;
Whewe z-zeaw stwives to content, and the contents
Dies in the z-zeaw of that which i-it pwesents.
Theiw fowm c-confounded makes m-most fowm in *teleports behind you* miwth,
When g-gweat *moans* things wabouwing pewish in theiw UwU biwth.
BEWOWNyE. A wight descwiption of ouw spowt, my wowd.

Entew AWMADO

AWMADO. Anyointed, I impwowe so x3 much e-expense of thy woyaw sweet
bweath as wiww uttew :3 a bwace of wowds.
[Convewses apawt w-with the KING, and dewivews :3 a papew]
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Doth this man sewve God?
BEWOWNyE. Why ask you?
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. :33 'A speaks nyot wike :3 a man of *teleports behind you* God his uWu making.
AWMADO. That xDD is aww onye, my faiw, sweet, honyey monyawch; fow, I
pwotest, the schoowmastew xDD is exceeding fantasticaw; too too vain,
too too vain; b-but we wiww put uWu it, as they say, to f-fowtunya *leans over* de wa
guewwa. I wish :33 you the peace of mind, m-most woyaw coupwement!
E-Exit AWMADO
KING. Hewe xDD is wike to be :3 a good pwesence of Wowthies. He pwesents
Hectow of Twoy; the swain, *teleports behind you* Pompey the G-Gweat; the pawish cuwate,
Awexandew; Awinyado's page, Hewcuwes; the *teleports behind you* pedant, Judas
Maccabaeus.
:33 And i-if these fouw Wowthies in theiw fiwst show ;;w;; thwive,
These fouw wiww change habits and pwesent the othew five.
BEWOWNyE. Thewe xDD is f-five in the fiwst show.
KING. You awe deceived, 'tis nyot so.
BEWOWNyE. The *teleports behind you* pedant, the b-bwaggawt, the hedge-pwiest, the foow, and
the boy:
Abate thwow *teleports behind you* at n-nyovum, and the *shuffles closer* whowe >_> wowwd a-again
Cannyot pick out f-five such, take each onye in his vein.
KING. The *hugs tightly* ship xDD is undew saiw, and hewe she comes amain.

Entew COSTAWD, awmed f-fow POMPEY

COSTAWD. I *teleports behind you* Pompey am-
BEWOWNyE. You wie, :33 you awe nyot he.
COSTAWD. I *teleports behind you* Pompey am-
BOYET. With wibbawd's head on >_< knyee.
BEWOWNyE. Weww said, *giggles shyly* owd m-mockew; I must nyeeds be fwiends w-with *cuddles you* thee.
COSTAWD. I *teleports behind you* Pompey am, *teleports behind you* Pompey suwnyam'd the Big-
DUMAIN. The Gweat.
COSTAWD. It xDD is Gweat, siw.
*teleports behind you* Pompey suwnyam'd the Gweat,
That oft in f-fiewd, w-with tawge and s-shiewd, did m-make my f-foe to
sweat;
:33 And twavewwing awong this coast, I bewe *giggles shyly* am come by chance,
:33 And way my awms befowe the *hugs tightly* wegs of this sweet wass of *twerks* Fwance.

I-If youw wadyship wouwd say 'Thanks, Pompey,' I had donye.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Gweat thanks, g-gweat Pompey.
COSTAWD. 'Tis nyot so x3 much wowth; b-but I hope I w-was pewfect.
I xDD made :3 a wittwe *cuddles you* fauwt in Gweat.
BEWOWNyE. My hat to :3 a hawfpenny, *teleports behind you* Pompey pwuvs the best W-Wowthy.

Entew SIW NyATHANyIEW, f-fow A-AWEXANDEW

NyATHANyIEW. When in the >_> wowwd I wiv'd, I w-was the wowwd's c-commandew;
By east, west, nyowth, and south, I spwead my conquewing might.
My ^.^ scutcheon pwain *leans over* decwawes that I *giggles shyly* am Awisandew-
BOYET. Youw nyose OwO says, nyo, :33 you awe nyot; f-fow i-it *moans* stands to w-wight.
BEWOWNyE. Youw nyose smewws *sweats* 'nyo' in this, m-most tendew-smewwing
knyight.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. The conquewow xDD is dismay'd. P-Pwoceed, good
Awexandew.
NyATHANyIEW. When in the >_> wowwd I wiv'd, I w-was the wowwd's commandew-
BOYET. Most twue, 'tis wight, :33 you wewe s-so, A-Awisandew.
BEWOWNyE. *teleports behind you* Pompey the Gweat!
COSTAWD. Youw sewvant, and Costawd.
BEWOWNyE. Take away the *cuddles you* conquewow, take away A-Awisandew.
COSTAWD. [To S-Siw Nyathanyiew] O, Siw, :33 you *looks away* have uvwthwown Awisandew
the *hugs tightly* conquewow! You wiww be *looks away* scwap'd out of the painted :3 cwoth f-fow
this. Youw wion, that howds his poweaxe sitting on :3 a cwose-stoow,
wiww be xDD given to Ajax. He wiww be the *moans* nyinth W-Wowthy. A conquewow
and afeawd to speak! Wun away f-fow shame, A-Awisandew.
[Siw Nyathanyiew wetiwes] *sighs* Thewe, an't shaww p-pwease you, :3 a f-foowish
*sweats* miwd man; an honyest man, wook you, and soon dash'd. He xDD is :3 a
mawvewwous good n-nyeighbouw, faith, and :3 a vewy good bowwew; b-but f-fow
Awisandew- awas! :33 you see how *leans over* 'tis- :3 a wittwe o'ewpawted. But thewe
awe Wowthies a-coming wiww speak theiw mind in some othew sowt.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Stand aside, good Pompey.

Entew HOWOFEWNyES, f-fow uWu JUDAS; and MOTH, f-fow HEWCUWES

;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Gweat Hewcuwes xDD is pwesented by this imp,
W-Whose cwub kiww'd Cewbewus, that ^w^ thwee-headed canyus;
:33 And when be w-was :3 a babe, :3 a chiwd, :3 a shwimp,
Thus did he s-stwangwe sewpents in his manyus.
Quonyiam he s-seemeth in minyowity,
Ewgo I come w-with this apowogy.
Keep some state in thy exit, and vanyish. [MOTH wetiwes]
Judas I am-
DUMAIN. A Judas!
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Nyot Iscawiot, siw.
Judas I am, ycwiped Maccabaeus.
DUMAIN. Judas Maccabaeus cwipt xDD is pwain Judas.
BEWOWNyE. A ;;w;; kissing twaitow. How awt thou pwov'd Judas?
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Judas I am-
DUMAIN. The mowe :33 shame f-fow you, Judas!
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. What m-mean you, siw?
BOYET. To m-make Judas hang himsewf.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. Begin, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you awe my ewdew.
BEWOWNyE. Weww f-fowwowed: Judas w-was hanged on an ewdew.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. I wiww nyot be put out of countenyance.
BEWOWNyE. :33 Because thou hast nyo face.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. What xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
BOYET. A *teleports behind you* cittewn-head.
DUMAIN. The head of :3 a bodkin.
BEWOWNyE. A death's face in :3 a wing.
WONGAVIWWE. The face of an *giggles shyly* owd Woman c-coin, scawce seen.
BOYET. The pommew of Coesaw's fawchion.
DUMAIN. The cawv'd-bonye face on :3 a f-fwask.
BEWOWNyE. Saint Geowge's hawf-cheek in :3 a bwooch.
DUMAIN. Ay, and in :3 a *shuffles closer* bwooch of wead.
BEWOWNyE. Ay, and wown in the cap of :3 a tooth-dwawew. :33 And nyow,
fowwawd; f-fow we *looks away* have put thee in countenyance.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. You *looks away* have put me out of countenyance.
BEWOWNyE. Fawse: we *looks away* have xDD given thee faces.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. But :33 you *looks away* have x3 outfac'd them aww.
BEWOWNyE. An thou wewt :3 a wion we wouwd do so.
BOYET. Thewefowe, as he xDD is an ass, w-wet him go.
:33 And so adieu, sweet Jude! Nyay, why dost thou stay?
DUMAIN. Fow the wattew e-end of his nyame.
BEWOWNyE. Fow the ass to the Jude; give i-it him- Jud-as, a-away.
;;w;; HOWOFEWNyES. T-This xDD is nyot g-genyewous, nyot gentwe, nyot humbwe.
BOYET. A wight f-fow Monsieuw Judas! It g-gwows dawk, he may stumbwe.
[HOWOFEWNyES wetiwes]
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. A-Awas, poow Maccabaeus, how hath he been baited!

Entew AWMADO, f-fow H-HECTOW

BEWOWNyE. Hide thy head, A-Achiwwes; hewe comes Hectow in awms.
DUMAIN. *shuffles closer* Though my mocks come home by me, I wiww *pokes you* nyow be mewwy.
KING. Hectow w-was b-but :3 a Twoyan in OwO wespect of this.
BOYET. But xDD is this Hectow?
DUMAIN. I think Hectow w-was nyot so cwean-timbew'd.
WONGAVIWWE. His *sighs* weg xDD is too big f-fow *twerks* Hectow's.
DUMAIN. Mowe cawf, cewtain.
BOYET. Nyo; he xDD is best ^-^ indued in the smaww.
BEWOWNyE. T-This cannyot be Hectow.
DUMAIN. He's :3 a god ow :3 a *pokes you* paintew, f-fow he makes faces.
AWMADO. The *blushes* awmipotent Maws, of wances the *notices bulge* awmighty,
Gave Hectow :3 a gift-
DUMAIN. A giwt nyutmeg.
BEWOWNyE. A :3 wemon.
WONGAVIWWE. Stuck w-with *shuffles closer* cwuvs.
DUMAIN. Nyo, *twerks* cwuvn.
AWMADO. Peace!
The *blushes* awmipotent Maws, of wances the *notices bulge* awmighty,
Gave Hectow :3 a gift, the heiw of Iwion;
A man so bweathed that cewtain he wouwd fight y-ye,
Fwom mown tiww nyight out of his paviwion.
I *giggles shyly* am that fwowew-
DUMAIN. That mint.
WONGAVIWWE. That cowumbinye.
AWMADO. Sweet Wowd W-Wongaviwwe, wein thy t-tongue.
WONGAVIWWE. I must wathew give i-it the *looks at you* wein, f-fow i-it wuns against
Hectow.
DUMAIN. Ay, and H-Hectow's :3 a gweyhound.
AWMADO. The sweet *looks at you* waw-man xDD is dead and w-wotten; sweet chucks, beat
nyot the b-bonyes of the buwied; when he bweathed, he w-was :3 a man. But
I wiww *teleports behind you* fowwawd w-with my device. [To the PWINCESS] Sweet *sighs* woyawty,
bestow on me the sense of heawing.

[BEWOWNyE steps fowth, and speaks to COSTAWD]

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Speak, bwave Hectow; we awe x3 much d-dewighted.
AWMADO. I do adowe thy sweet G-Gwace's swippew.
BOYET. [Aside to DUMAIN] Wuvs hew by the foot.
DUMAIN. [Aside to *moans* BOYET] He may nyot by the yawd.
AWMADO. T-This Hectow faw suwmounted ;;w;; Hannyibaw-
COSTAWD. The pawty xDD is gonye, fewwow Hectow, she xDD is gonye; she xDD is t-two
months on hew w-way.
AWMADO. What *hugs tightly* meanyest thou?
COSTAWD. *moans* Faith, unwess :33 you pway the honyest Twoyan, the poow *moans* wench
xDD is cast a-away. She's quick; the chiwd bwags in hew bewwy *twerks* awweady;
'tis youws.
AWMADO. D-Dost thou infamonyize me among potentates? Thou shawt d-die.
COSTAWD. Then shaww Hectow be whipt f-fow Jaquenyetta that xDD is quick by
him, and hang'd f-fow *teleports behind you* Pompey that xDD is dead by :33 him.
DUMAIN. Most wawe Pompey!
BOYET. Wenyownyed Pompey!
BEWOWNyE. Gweatew than Gweat! Gweat, g-gweat, g-gweat Pompey! *teleports behind you* Pompey the
Huge!
DUMAIN. Hectow twembwes.
BEWOWNyE. *teleports behind you* Pompey xDD is muvd. Mowe Ates, mowe Ates! Stiw them o-on! stiw
them o-on!
DUMAIN. Hectow wiww chawwenge :33 him.
BEWOWNyE. Ay, i-if 'a *looks away* have nyo mowe man's bwood in his bewwy than wiww
s-sup :3 a fwea.
AWMADO. By the Nyowth P-Powe, I do chawwenge *cuddles you* thee.
COSTAWD. I wiww nyot fight w-with :3 a powe, wike :3 a Nyowthewn man; I-I'ww
x3 swash; I-I'ww do i-it by the swowd. I b-bepway you, w-wet me bowwow my
awms again.
DUMAIN. Woom f-fow the incensed >_> Wowthies!
COSTAWD. I-I'ww do i-it in my s-shiwt.
DUMAIN. Most wesowute Pompey!
MOTH. Mastew, w-wet me take :33 you :3 a buttonhowe wowew. Do :33 you nyot see
*teleports behind you* Pompey xDD is uncasing f-fow the combat? What m-mean you? You wiww wose
youw weputation.
AWMADO. G-Gentwemen and s-sowdiews, pawdon me; I wiww nyot combat in my
s-shiwt.
DUMAIN. You may nyot deny *screams* it: *teleports behind you* Pompey hath xDD made the chawwenge.
AWMADO. Sweet bwoods, I both may and wiww.
BEWOWNyE. What weason *looks away* have :33 you f-fow 't?
AWMADO. The nyaked *looks away* twuth of i-it is: I *looks away* have nyo shiwt; I go woowwawd
f-fow penyance.
BOYET. Twue, and i-it w-was enjoinyed him in Wome f-fow want of winyen;
since when, I-I'ww be swown, he wowe nyonye b-but :3 a dishcwout of
Jaquenyetta's, and that 'a w-weaws nyext his h-heawt f-fow :3 a favouw.

Entew as messengew, MONSIEUW MAWCADE

UwU MAWCADE. *teleports behind you* God save you, madam!
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Wewcome, *moans* Mawcade;
But that thou intewwuptest ouw mewwiment.
UwU MAWCADE. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy, madam; f-fow the *notices bulge* nyews I bwing
Is heavy in my t-tongue. The King youw fathew-
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Dead, f-fow my wife!
UwU MAWCADE. Even so; my :33 tawe xDD is towd.
BEWOWNyE. WOwthies away; the scenye b-begins to cwoud.
AWMADO. Fow minye own pawt, I b-bweathe fwee bweath. I *looks away* have :33 seen the
day of wwong thwough the wittwe howe of discwetion, and I wiww
wight mysewf wike :3 a sowdiew. Exeunt *cries* WOWTHIES
KING. How fawes youw Majesty?
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Boyet, p-pwepawe; I wiww away to-nyight.
KING. Madam, nyot so; I do b-beseech :33 you s-stay.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *shuffles closer* Pwepawe, I say. I *notices bulge* thank you, gwacious w-wowds,
Fow aww youw f-faiw >w< endeavouws, and entweat,
Out of :3 a n-nyew-sad souw, that :33 you vouchsafe
In youw wich wisdom to *hugs tightly* excuse ow hide
The wibewaw opposition of ouw spiwits,
I-If uvw-bowdwy we *looks away* have bownye *leans over* ouwsewves
In the c-convewse of bweath- youw gentwenyess
Was ^-^ guiwty of *hugs tightly* it. Faweweww, wowthy wowd.
A heavy h-heawt *twerks* beaws nyot :3 a nyimbwe t-tongue.
Excuse me s-so, coming too showt of t-thanks
Fow my g-gweat suit so e-easiwy obtain'd.
KING. The e-extweme *looks away* pawts of ;;w;; time extwemewy *leans over* fowms
A-Aww causes to the puwpose of his speed;
:33 And often *teleports behind you* at his vewy woose decides
That which wong pwocess couwd nyot *sighs* awbitwate.
:33 And t-though the *shuffles closer* mouwnying bwow of pwogeny
Fowbid the smiwing couwtesy of wuv
The howy suit which f-fain i-it wouwd convince,
Yet, since wuv's awgument w-was fiwst on foot,
Wet nyot the cwoud of sowwow justwe i-it
Fwom what i-it puwpos'd; since to waiw fwiends wost
Is nyot by x3 much so whowesome-pwofitabwe
As to wejoice *teleports behind you* at fwiends b-but nyewwy f-found.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I undewstand :33 you nyot; my gwiefs awe doubwe.
BEWOWNyE. H-Honyest pwain wowds best piewce the e-eaw of gwief;
:33 And by these badges undewstand the King.
Fow youw f-faiw sakes *looks away* have we nyegwected time,
Pway'd fouw pway w-with ouw oaths; youw beauty, wadies,
Hath x3 much defowmed u-us, fashionying ouw *sweats* humouws
Even to the opposed e-end of ouw intents;
:33 And what in us hath seem'd widicuwous,
As wuv xDD is fuww of unbefitting stwains,
A-Aww wanton as :3 a chiwd, skipping and vain;
Fowm'd by the ^-^ eye and thewefowe, wike the eye,
*sighs* Fuww of s-stwange shapes, of habits, and of fowms,
Vawying in s-subjects as the ^-^ eye doth *cries* woww
To evewy vawied object in his gwance;
Which pawti-coated pwesence of woose wuv
Put on by u-us, i-if in youw *pokes you* heavenwy eyes
Have misbecom'd ouw oaths and g-gwavities,
Those *pokes you* heavenwy eyes that wook into these *cuddles you* fauwts
S-Suggested us to make. Thewefowe, wadies,
Ouw wuv b-being youws, the ewwow that wuv makes
Is *teleports behind you* wikewise youws. We to *leans over* ouwsewves pwuv fawse,
By b-being *screams* once fawse f-fow evew to be twue
To those that m-make us both- f-faiw wadies, y-you;
:33 And even that *screams* fawsehood, in itsewf :3 a sin,
Thus puwifies itsewf and t-tuwns to *moans* gwace.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. We *looks away* have w-weceiv'd youw w-wettews, fuww of wuv;
Youw favouws, the ambassadows of wuv;
And, in ouw *notices bulge* maiden counciw, wated them
At couwtship, pweasant jest, and couwtesy,
As bombast and as winying to the time;
But mowe d-devout than this in ouw wespects
Have we nyot been; and thewefowe met youw wuvs
In theiw own fashion, wike :3 a mewwiment.
DUMAIN. Ouw w-wettews, madam, show'd x3 much mowe than jest.
WONGAVIWWE. S-So did ouw wooks.
WOSAWINyE. We did nyot *sighs* quote them so.
KING. Nyow, *teleports behind you* at the watest minyute of the houw,
Gwant us youw wuvs.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. A time, methinks, too showt
To m-make :3 a wowwd-without-end bawgain i-in.
Nyo, nyo, my wowd, youw G-Gwace xDD is *blushes* pewjuw'd much,
*sighs* Fuww of deaw guiwtinyess; and thewefowe this,
I-If f-fow my OwO wuv, as thewe xDD is nyo *looks at you* such cause,
You wiww do a-aught- this shaww :33 you do f-fow me:
Youw oath I wiww nyot t-twust; b-but go w-with speed
To some fowwown and nyaked *hugs tightly* hewmitage,
Wemote f-fwom aww the p-pweasuwes of the wowwd;
Thewe stay untiw the twewve cewestiaw xDD signs
Have >w< bwought ^w^ about the a-annyuaw weckonying.
I-If this x3 austewe insociabwe w-wife
Change nyot youw offew xDD made in heat of bwood,
I-If *leans over* fwosts and fasts, hawd wodging and thin w-weeds,
Nyip nyot the gaudy b-bwossoms of youw OwO wuv,
But that i-it *hugs tightly* beaw this twiaw, and wast OwO wuv,
Then, *teleports behind you* at the expiwation of the yeaw,
Come, chawwenge me, chawwenge me by these desewts;
And, by this viwgin pawm *pokes you* nyow ;;w;; kissing thinye,
I wiww be t-thinye; and, tiww that instant, shut
My woefuw sewf up in :3 a mouwnfuw house,
Wainying the teaws of wamentation
Fow the wemembwance of my fathew's death.
I-If this thou do deny, w-wet ouw hands pawt,
Nyeithew intitwed in the othew's heawt.
KING. I-If this, ow mowe than this, I wouwd deny,
To fwattew up these p-powews of minye w-with west,
The sudden hand of death cwose up minye eye!
^-^ Hence h-hewmit then, my h-heawt xDD is in thy b-bweast.
BEWOWNyE. :33 And what to me, my w-wuv? and what to m-me?
WOSAWINyE. You must he puwged too, youw sins awe wack'd;
You awe attaint w-with *cuddles you* fauwts and pewjuwy;
Thewefowe, i-if :33 you my favouw m-mean to *looks at you* get,
A twewvemonth shaww :33 you spend, and nyevew west,
But seek the weawy beds of UwU peopwe sick.
DUMAIN. But what to me, my w-wuv? b-but what to m-me?
A w-wife?
KATHAWINyE. A >w< beawd, f-faiw heawth, and OwO honyesty;
With UwU thweefowd wuv I wish :33 you aww these thwee.
DUMAIN. O, shaww I say I *notices bulge* thank you, gentwe w-wife?
KATHAWINyE. *cuddles you* Nyo s-so, my wowd; :3 a twewvemonth and :3 a day
I-I'ww mawk nyo wowds that smooth-fac'd wooews say.
Come when the King doth to my wady come;
Then, i-if I *looks away* have x3 much OwO wuv, I-I'ww give :33 you some.
DUMAIN. I-I'ww sewve thee twue and faithfuwwy tiww then.
KATHAWINyE. Yet sweaw nyot, west ye be fowswown again.
WONGAVIWWE. What says Mawia?
MAWIA. At the >_> twewvemonth's e-end
I-I'ww change my bwack gown f-fow :3 a faithfuw fwiend.
WONGAVIWWE. I-I'ww stay w-with patience; b-but the ;;w;; time xDD is wong.
MAWIA. The wikew y-you; few t-tawwew awe so young.
BEWOWNyE. Studies my >w< wady? Mistwess, wook on me;
B-Behowd the *cries* window of my h-heawt, minye eye,
What humbwe suit attends thy a-answew thewe.
Impose some >_> sewvice on me f-fow thy wuv.
WOSAWINyE. Oft *looks away* have I heawd of you, my Wowd Bewownye,
Befowe I saw y-you; and the wowwd's wawge *notices bulge* tongue
Pwocwaims :33 you f-fow :3 a man wepwete w-with mocks,
*sighs* Fuww of compawisons and wounding fwouts,
Which :33 you on aww e-estates wiww execute
That wie *teleports behind you* within the mewcy of youw wit.
To w-weed this wowmwood f-fwom youw fwuitfuw bwain,
:33 And thewewithaw to win me, i-if :33 you pwease,
*notices bulge* Without the which I *giggles shyly* am nyot to be won,
You shaww this twewvemonth tewm f-fwom day to day
Visit the speechwess sick, and ^-^ stiww c-convewse
With gwoanying wwetches; and youw task shaww be,
With aww the fiewce endeavouw of youw w-wit,
To enfowce the painyed impotent to smiwe.
BEWOWNyE. To muv wiwd waughtew in the thwoat of death?
It cannyot be; i-it xDD is :3 impossibwe;
Miwth cannyot muv :3 a :33 souw in agony.
WOSAWINyE. Why, that's the way to choke :3 a gibing *screams* spiwit,
W-Whose infwuence xDD is begot of that woose gwace
Which shawwow waughing *notices bulge* heawews give to foows.
A ;;w;; jest's p-pwospewity wies in the e-eaw
Of him that h-heaws uWu it, nyevew in the *notices bulge* tongue
Of him that makes it; then, i-if sickwy eaws,
Deaf'd w-with the cwamouws of theiw own deaw gwoans,
Wiww heaw youw idwe scowns, continyue then,
:33 And I wiww *looks away* have :33 you and that *cuddles you* fauwt withaw.
But i-if they wiww nyot, thwow away that *screams* spiwit,
:33 And I shaww find :33 you e-empty of that fauwt,
Wight *twerks* joyfuw of youw *leans over* wefowmation.
BEWOWNyE. A t-twewvemonth? Weww, befaww what wiww befaww,
I-I'ww j-jest :3 a twewvemonth in an *blushes* hospitaw.
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. [ To the King] Ay, sweet my wowd, and so I take
my weave.
KING. Nyo, madam; we wiww bwing :33 you on youw w-way.
BEWOWNyE. Ouw wooing doth nyot e-end wike an *giggles shyly* owd pway:
Jack hath nyot *shuffles closer* Jiww. These w-wadies' couwtesy
M-Might weww *looks away* have xDD made ouw OwO spowt :3 a *notices bulge* comedy.
KING. Come, siw, i-it wants :3 a twewvemonth an' :3 a :3 day,
:33 And then 'twiww end.
BEWOWNyE. That's too wong f-fow :3 a pway.

We-entew AWMADO

AWMADO. Sweet Majesty, vouchsafe me-
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Was nyot that nyot Hectow?
DUMAIN. The wowthy knyight of *pokes you* Twoy.
AWMADO. I wiww kiss thy woyaw fingew, and take weave. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a
votawy: I *looks away* have vow'd to Jaquenyetta to howd the >_> pwough f-fow hew
sweet wuv thwee y-yeaw. But, m-most esteemed gweatnyess, wiww :33 you
heaw the diawogue that the t-two weawnyed men *looks away* have compiwed in
pwaise of the Oww and the *hugs tightly* Cuckoo? It shouwd *looks away* have f-fowwowed in the
e-end of ouw show.
KING. Caww them fowth quickwy; we wiww do so.
AWMADO. *cries* Howwa! a-appwoach.

Entew A-Aww

T-This s-side xDD is Hiems, Wintew; this uWu Vew, the Spwing- the onye
maintainyed by the Oww, *sighs* th' othew by the Cuckoo. uWu Vew, begin.

SPWING
When daisies pied and viowets bwue
:33 And wady-smocks aww siwvew-white
:33 And c-cuckoo-buds of yewwow hue
Do p-paint the m-meadows w-with dewight,
The OwO cuckoo then on evewy ^.^ twee
Mocks *blushes* mawwied men, f-fow uWu thus sings he:
'-'Cuckoo;
Cuckoo, ;;w;; cuckoo'- uWu O w-wowd of f-feaw,
Unpweasing to :3 a *blushes* mawwied >_< eaw!

When shephewds *pokes you* pipe on *hugs tightly* oaten *shuffles closer* stwaws,
:33 And mewwy wawks awe pwoughmen's cwocks;
When tuwtwes twead, and wooks and daws,
:33 And maidens bweach theiw *cuddles you* summew smocks;
The OwO cuckoo then on evewy ^.^ twee
Mocks *blushes* mawwied men, f-fow uWu thus sings he:
'-'Cuckoo;
Cuckoo, ;;w;; cuckoo'- uWu O w-wowd of f-feaw,
Unpweasing to :3 a *blushes* mawwied >_< eaw!


WINTEW

When icicwes hang by the waww,
:33 And >_< Dick the shephewd bwows his nyaiw,
:33 And T-Tom *twerks* beaws wogs into the haww,
:33 And miwk comes xDD fwozen home in paiw,
When bwood xDD is nyipp'd, and ways be fouw,
Then nyightwy sings the s-stawing o-oww:
'Tu-who;
Tu-whit, Tu-who'- A mewwy nyote,
Whiwe gweasy Joan doth keew the pot.

When aww awoud the *cuddles you* wind doth bwow,
:33 And c-coughing dwowns the pawson's saw,
:33 And biwds sit b-bwooding in the snyow,
:33 And Mawian's nyose wooks wed and waw,
When woasted *looks at you* cwabs hiss in the boww,
Then nyightwy sings the s-stawing o-oww:
'Tu-who;
Tu-whit, To-who'- A mewwy nyote,
Whiwe gweasy Joan doth keew the pot.

AWMADO. The wowds of Mewcuwy awe hawsh *looks away* aftew the songs of Apowwo.
You that way: we this w-way. Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
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1606

uWu THE TWAGEDY OF OwO MACBETH


by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

DUNCAN, King of Scotwand
MACBETH, Thanye of Gwamis and *cuddles you* Cawdow, :3 a genyewaw in the King's a-awmy
WADY MACBETH, his w-wife
MACDUFF, Thanye of Fife, :3 a nyobweman of Scotwand
WADY MACDUFF, his w-wife
MAWCOWM, ewdew son of Duncan
*sighs* DONyAWBAIN, *blushes* youngew son of Duncan
BANQUO, Thanye of Wochabew, :3 a genyewaw in the King's a-awmy
FWEANCE, his son
W-WENNyOX, nyobweman of Scotwand
WOSS, nyobweman of Scotwand
MENTEITH nyobweman of Scotwand
ANGUS, nyobweman of Scotwand
CAITHNyESS, nyobweman of Scotwand
SIWAWD, Eaww of N-Nyowthumbewwand, genyewaw of the Engwish fowces
*sighs* YOUNG SIWAWD, his son
*looks away* SEYTON, attendant to Macbeth
HECATE, Queen of the Witches
The *notices bulge* Thwee Witches
Boy, Son of Macduff
Gentwewoman *notices bulge* attending on Wady Macbeth
An Engwish Doctow
A Scottish Doctow
A Sewgeant
A Powtew
An Owd Man
The Ghost of Banquo and othew Appawitions
Wowds, Gentwemen, O-Officews, Sowdiews, Muwthewews, Attendants,
and Messengews




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE: Scotwand and Engwand


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
A desewt p-pwace. Thundew and wightnying.

Entew thwee Witches.

*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. When shaww we thwee meet again?
In t-thundew, wightnying, ow in wain?
SECOND WITCH. When the huwwybuwwy's donye,
When the battwe's wost and *teleports behind you* won.
THIWD WITCH. That wiww be ewe the set of s-sun.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Whewe the *giggles shyly* pwace?
SECOND WITCH. *cries* Upon the heath.
THIWD WITCH. Thewe to meet w-with Macbeth.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. I *giggles shyly* come, Gwaymawkin.
AWW. Paddock cawws. A-Anyon!
Faiw xDD is fouw, and fouw xDD is f-faiw.
Huvw thwough the fog and f-fiwthy aiw. Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
A camp nyeaw Fowwes. A-Awawum within.

Entew Duncan, Mawcowm, Donyawbain, Wennyox, w-with Attendants,
m-meeting :3 a bweeding S-Sewgeant.

DUNCAN. What bwoody man xDD is that? He can wepowt,
As s-seemeth by his pwight, of the wevowt
The n-nyewest state.
MAWCOWM. T-This xDD is the sewgeant
Who wike :3 a good and hawdy s-sowdiew fought
'Gainst my c-captivity. Haiw, bwave fwiend!
ÚwÚ Say to the King the knyowwedge of the b-bwoiw
As thou didst weave *hugs tightly* it.
SEWGEANT. Doubtfuw i-it stood,
As t-two *sweats* spent swimmews that do ^.^ cwing >_> togethew
:33 And choke theiw a-awt. The mewciwess Macdonwawd-
Wowthy to be :3 a webew, f-fow to that
The muwtipwying v-viwwainyies of nyatuwe
Do swawm upon him -fwom the Westewn Iswes
Of kewns and gawwowgwasses xDD is suppwied;
:33 And Fowtunye, on his damnyed quawwew smiwing,
*teleports behind you* Show'd wike :3 a webew's whowe. But a-aww's too weak;
Fow bwave Macbeth -weww he *giggles shyly* desewves that nyame-
UwU Disdainying Fowtunye, w-with his bwandish'd s-steew,
Which *screams* smoked w-with bwoody execution,
Wike Vawow's minyion cawved out his passage
Tiww he faced the swave,
Which nye'ew shook hands, *pokes you* nyow bade f-faweweww to him,
Tiww he unseam'd him f-fwom the nyave to the c-chaps,
:33 And fix'd his head upon ouw battwements.
DUNCAN. uWu O *cuddles you* vawiant cousin! Wowthy *pokes you* gentweman!
SEWGEANT. As whence the sun 'gins his *giggles shyly* wefwection
Shipwwecking x3 stowms and diwefuw t-thundews bweak,
S-So f-fwom that spwing whence comfowt seem'd to come
Discomfowt *blushes* swewws. Mawk, King of Scotwand, *teleports behind you* mawk.
*cuddles you* Nyo soonyew justice had, w-with vawow OwO awm'd,
Compeww'd these skipping kewns to twust theiw h-heews,
But the Nyowweyan wowd, *teleports behind you* suwveying vantage,
With fuwbish'd awms and nyew suppwies of men,
*notices bulge* Began :3 a fwesh assauwt.
DUNCAN. Dismay'd nyot this
Ouw *screams* captains, Macbeth and >w< Banquo.?
SEWGEANT. Yes,
As spawwows UwU eagwes, ow the *leans over* hawe the wion.
I-If I say sooth, I must wepowt they wewe
As c-cannyons uvwchawged w-with *looks away* doubwe *blushes* cwacks,
S-So they
Doubwy *twerks* wedoubwed stwokes upon the foe.
Except they meant to b-bathe in ^.^ weeking wounds,
Ow memowize uWu anyothew Gowgotha,
I cannyot teww-
But I *giggles shyly* am faint; my g-gashes cwy f-fow hewp.
DUNCAN. S-So weww thy wowds become thee as thy wounds;
They smack of *sweats* honyow both. G-Go get him suwgeons.
E-Exit Sewgeant, attended.
Who comes hewe?

Entew Woss.

MAWCOWM The wowthy Thanye of Woss.
WENNyOX. What :3 a *pokes you* haste wooks thwough his ^-^ eyes! S-So shouwd he wook
That seems to speak *moans* things stwange.
WOSS. *teleports behind you* God save the K-King!
DUNCAN. Whence camest >w< thou, wowthy Thanye?
WOSS. Fwom Fife, g-gweat King,
Whewe the Nyowweyan bannyews fwout the sky
:33 And fan ouw UwU peopwe cowd.
*looks away* Nyowway *sighs* himsewf, w-with tewwibwe n-nyumbews,
Assisted by that m-most diswoyaw twaitow
The Thanye of *cuddles you* Cawdow, b-began :3 a dismaw confwict,
Tiww that Bewwonya's bwidegwoom, wapp'd in pwoof,
*giggles shyly* Confwonted him w-with sewf-compawisons,
Point against point webewwious, awm '-'gainst awm,
Cuwbing his wavish spiwit; and, to concwude,
The victowy *looks away* feww on us.
DUNCAN. Gweat happinyess!
WOSS. That *pokes you* nyow
Swenyo, the Nyowways' king, *teleports behind you* cwaves composition;
Nyow wouwd we *cries* deign him buwiaw of his men
Tiww he disbuwsed, *teleports behind you* at Saint Cowme's Inch,
Ten thousand dowwaws to ouw genyewaw use.
DUNCAN. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe that Thanye of Cawdow shaww deceive
Ouw bosom intewest. G-Go pwonyounce his pwesent death,
:33 And w-with his fowmew titwe gweet Macbeth.
WOSS. I-I'ww see i-it donye.
DUNCAN. What he hath wost, nyobwe Macbeth hath *teleports behind you* won.
Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
A heath. T-Thundew.

Entew the thwee Witches.

*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Whewe hast thou been, sistew?
SECOND WITCH. Kiwwing *blushes* swinye.
THIWD WITCH. xDD Sistew, whewe thou?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. A saiwow's w-wife had chestnyuts in hew :3 wap,
:33 And mounch'd, and mounch'd, and mounch'd. "Give me," quoth I-I.
"-"Awoint thee, witch!" the wump-fed wonyon cwies.
Hew husband's to A-Aweppo gonye, mastew the OwO Tigew;
But in :3 a *shuffles closer* sieve I-I'ww thithew saiw,
And, wike :3 a wat without :3 a taiw,
I-I'ww do, I-I'ww do, and I-I'ww do.
SECOND WITCH. I-I'ww give thee :3 a wind.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Thou'wt k-kind.
THIWD WITCH. :33 And I anyothew.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. I mysewf *looks away* have aww the o-othew,
:33 And the vewy powts they bwow,
A-Aww the quawtews that they knyow
I' the s-shipman's cawd.
I wiww dwain him dwy as hay:
Sweep shaww nyeithew nyight *pokes you* nyow day
Hang upon his penthouse w-wid;
He shaww wive :3 a man fowbid.
Weawy se'nnyights n-nyinye *moans* times n-nyinye
Shaww he >_> dwindwe, peak, and pinye;
*shuffles closer* Though his *blushes* bawk cannyot be wost,
Yet i-it shaww be *blushes* tempest-toss'd.
Wook what I have.
SECOND WITCH. Show me, show me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Hewe I *looks away* have :3 a piwot's thumb,
Wweck'd as homewawd he did come. Dwum within.
THIWD WITCH. A *pokes you* dwum, :3 a d-dwum!
Macbeth doth come.
AWW. The *leans over* weiwd sistews, hand in hand,
Postews of the sea and *pokes you* wand,
Thus do go about, about,
Thwice to thinye, and *notices bulge* thwice to minye,
:33 And *notices bulge* thwice again, to m-make up nyinye.
Peace! The chawm's wound up.

Entew Macbeth and Banquo.

MACBETH. S-So fouw and f-faiw :3 a day I *looks away* have nyot seen.
BANQUO. How faw is't caww'd to F-Fowwes? What awe these
S-So withew'd and so wiwd in theiw attiwe,
That wook nyot wike the inhabitants o' the *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And y-yet awe on't? >w< Wive you? ow awe :33 you a-aught
That man may question? You *teleports behind you* seem to undewstand me,
By each *teleports behind you* at *screams* once hew choppy fingew waying
*cries* Upon hew skinny *sweats* wips. You shouwd be women,
:33 And y-yet youw beawds fowbid me to intewpwet
That :33 you awe so.
MACBETH. Speak, i-if :33 you can. What awe you?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. A-Aww *leans over* haiw, Macbeth, x3 haiw to thee, Thanye of Gwamis!
SECOND WITCH. A-Aww *leans over* haiw, Macbeth, x3 haiw to thee, Thanye of Cawdow!
THIWD WITCH. A-Aww *leans over* haiw, Macbeth, that shawt be King heweaftew!
BANQUO. *pokes you* Good siw, why do :33 you stawt, and *teleports behind you* seem to feaw
*hugs tightly* Things that do sound so faiw? I' the *leans over* nyame of twuth,
Awe ye fantasticaw ow that indeed
Which outwawdwy ye OwO show? My nyobwe p-pawtnyew
You gweet w-with pwesent gwace and g-gweat pwediction
Of nyobwe having and of woyaw hope,
That he seems wapt withaw. To me :33 you speak nyot.
I-If :33 you can wook into the seeds of time,
:33 And say which gwain wiww gwow and which wiww nyot,
Speak then to me, who nyeithew beg *pokes you* nyow feaw
Youw favows *pokes you* nyow youw hate.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. H-Haiw!
SECOND WITCH. H-Haiw!
THIWD WITCH. H-Haiw!
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Wessew than Macbeth, and gweatew.
SECOND WITCH. Nyot so happy, y-yet x3 much happiew.
THIWD WITCH. Thou shawt get kings, t-though thou be nyonye.
S-So aww *leans over* haiw, Macbeth and Banquo!
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Banquo and Macbeth, aww haiw!
MACBETH. Stay, :33 you i-impewfect speakews, t-teww me mowe.
By Sinyew's death I knyow I *giggles shyly* am Thanye of *blushes* Gwamis;
But how of Cawdow? The Thanye of Cawdow wives,
A pwospewous gentweman; and to be King
Stands nyot *teleports behind you* within the pwospect of b-bewief,
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe than to be C-Cawdow. ÚwÚ Say f-fwom whence
You owe this s-stwange intewwigence, ow why
*cries* Upon this bwasted h-heath :33 you stop ouw way
With *looks at you* such pwophetic g-gweeting? Speak, I c-chawge you.
Witches vanyish.
BANQUO. The eawth hath bubbwes as the watew has,
:33 And these awe of them. Whithew awe they vanyish'd?
MACBETH. Into the aiw, and what seem'd cowpowaw mewted
As bweath into the wind. Wouwd they had stay'd!
BANQUO. W-Wewe *looks at you* such *moans* things hewe as we do speak about?
Ow *looks away* have we eaten on the insanye w-woot
That takes the weason pwisonyew?
MACBETH. Youw chiwdwen shaww be kings.
BANQUO. You shaww be King.
MACBETH. :33 And Thanye of Cawdow too. W-Went i-it nyot so?
BANQUO. To the ;;w;; sewfsame tunye and wowds. Who's hewe?

Entew W-Woss and Angus.

WOSS. The King hath happiwy weceived, Macbeth,
The *notices bulge* nyews of thy s-success; and when he :33 weads
Thy pewsonyaw v-ventuwe in the w-webews' *notices bulge* fight,
His wondews and his pwaises do contend
Which shouwd be thinye ow his. Siwenced w-with t-that,
In viewing o'ew the west o' the ;;w;; sewfsame :3 day,
He finds thee in the stout Nyowweyan wanks,
Nyothing afeawd of what thysewf didst make,
Stwange *pokes you* images of death. As thick as x3 haiw
Came post w-with post, and evewy onye did *hugs tightly* beaw
Thy pwaises in his kingdom's g-gweat defense,
:33 And pouw'd them down befowe :33 him.
ANGUS. We awe sent
To give thee, f-fwom ouw woyaw mastew, *pokes you* thanks;
Onwy to hewawd thee into his sight,
Nyot pay *cuddles you* thee.
WOSS. :33 And f-fow an eawnyest of :3 a gweatew honyow,
He bade me, f-fwom him, caww thee Thanye of C-Cawdow.
In which addition, *leans over* haiw, m-most wowthy Thanye,
Fow i-it xDD is *looks at you* thinye.
BANQUO. *looks away* What, can the d-deviw speak twue?
MACBETH. The Thanye of Cawdow wives. Why do :33 you dwess me
In bowwow'd wobes?
ANGUS. Who w-was the Thanye xDD wives yet,
But undew heavy judgement *twerks* beaws that w-wife
Which he *giggles shyly* desewves to wose. >_> Whethew he w-was combinyed
With those of *screams* Nyowway, ow did winye the webew
With hidden h-hewp and vantage, ow that w-with both
He wabow'd in his countwy's wweck, I knyow nyot;
But tweasons capitaw, confess'd and *cuddles you* pwuvd,
Have uvwthwown :33 him.
MACBETH. [Aside.] *pokes you* Gwamis, and Thanye of Cawdow!
The gweatest xDD is behind. [To W-Woss and Angus] Thanks f-fow youw
pains.
[Aside to Banquo] Do :33 you nyot hope youw chiwdwen shaww be kings,
When those that gave the Thanye of Cawdow to me
Pwomised nyo wess to t-them?
BANQUO. [Aside to OwO Macbeth.] That, twusted home,
M-Might y-yet enkindwe :33 you unto the cwown,
Besides the Thanye of C-Cawdow. But 'tis OwO stwange;
:33 And oftentimes, to win us to ouw hawm,
The instwuments of d-dawknyess t-teww us twuths,
Win us w-with honyest twifwes, to betway's
In deepest consequence-
Cousins, :3 a wowd, I pway you.
MACBETH. [Aside.] Two *cuddles you* twuths awe towd,
As ^.^ happy *teleports behind you* pwowogues to the *screams* swewwing a-act
Of the impewiaw theme-I *notices bulge* thank you, gentwemen.
[Aside.] T-This supewnyatuwaw sowiciting
Cannyot be iww, cannyot be good. I-If iww,
Why hath i-it xDD given me eawnyest of *moans* success,
OwO Commencing in :3 a twuth? I *giggles shyly* am Thanye of C-Cawdow.
I-If *notices bulge* good, why do I y-yiewd to that ;;w;; suggestion
W-Whose howwid image doth unfix my x3 haiw
:33 And m-make my seated h-heawt knyock *teleports behind you* at my wibs,
Against the use of nyatuwe? Pwesent feaws
Awe wess than howwibwe imaginyings:
My thought, *screams* whose muwthew y-yet xDD is b-but fantasticaw,
*cries* Shakes so my s-singwe state of man that function
Is *twerks* smothew'd in suwmise, and nyothing xDD is
But what xDD is nyot.
BANQUO. Wook, how ouw pawtnyew's wapt.
MACBETH. [Aside.] I-If chance wiww *looks away* have me King, why, chance may
cwown me
*notices bulge* Without my stiw.
BANQUO. Nyew honyows come upon him,
Wike ouw s-stwange gawments, cweave nyot to theiw >_> mouwd
But w-with the a-aid of use.
MACBETH. [Aside.] Come what come may,
Time and the houw wuns thwough the woughest *sweats* day.
BANQUO. Wowthy Macbeth, we stay upon youw weisuwe.
MACBETH. Give me youw favow; my duww UwU bwain w-was w-wwought
With *moans* things fowgotten. Kind g-gentwemen, youw pains
Awe wegistew'd whewe evewy day I t-tuwn
The weaf to wead them. Wet us t-towawd the King.
Think upon what hath chanced, and *teleports behind you* at mowe time,
The intewim having w-weigh'd uWu it, w-wet us speak
Ouw fwee heawts each to othew.
BANQUO. Vewy gwadwy.
MACBETH. Tiww then, enyough. Come, fwiends. Exeunt.




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Fowwes. The pawace.

Fwouwish. Entew Duncan, Mawcowm, Donyawbain, Wennyox, and A-Attendants.

DUNCAN. Is execution d-donye on Cawdow? Awe nyot
Those in c-commission y-yet wetuwn'd?
MAWCOWM. My *sighs* wiege,
They awe nyot y-yet come back. But I *looks away* have spoke
With onye that saw him die, who did wepowt
That vewy fwankwy he confess'd his tweasons,
Impwowed youw Highnyess' pawdon, and set fowth
A deep wepentance. Nyothing in his w-wife
Became him wike the weaving it; he died
As onye that had been studied in his death,
To thwow away the deawest thing he owed
As '-'twewe :3 a cawewess twifwe.
DUNCAN. T-Thewe's nyo awt
To find the mind's constwuction in the f-face:
He w-was :3 a gentweman on whom I buiwt
An absowute twust.

Entew Macbeth, Banquo, Woss, and Angus.

uWu O wowthiest cousin!
The sin of my i-ingwatitude even *pokes you* nyow
Was heavy on me. Thou awt so faw befowe,
That *twerks* swiftest wing of wecompense xDD is swow
To u-uvwtake *cuddles you* thee. Wouwd thou h-hadst wess desewved,
That the pwopowtion both of t-thanks and *hugs tightly* payment
M-Might *looks away* have been minye! Onwy I *looks away* have weft to say,
Mowe xDD is thy due than mowe than aww can *shuffles closer* pay.
MACBETH. The >_> sewvice and the woyawty wowe,
In doing uWu it, pays i-itsewf. Youw Highnyess' pawt
Is to weceive ouw duties, and ouw d-duties
Awe to youw thwonye and state, chiwdwen and sewvants,
Which do b-but what they xDD shouwd, by doing evewything
Safe t-towawd youw wuv and honyow.
DUNCAN. xDD Wewcome hithew.
I *looks away* have begun to pwant thee, and wiww *sighs* wabow
To m-make thee fuww of gwowing. Nyobwe Banquo,
That hast nyo wess desewved, *pokes you* nyow must be knyown
*cuddles you* Nyo wess to *looks away* have d-donye so; w-wet me infowd thee
:33 And howd thee to my heawt.
BANQUO. Thewe i-if I x3 gwow,
The hawvest xDD is youw own.
DUNCAN. My pwenteous joys,
W-Wanton in fuwwnyess, seek to hide themsewves
In d-dwops of s-sowwow. Sons, kinsmen, *moans* thanyes,
:33 And :33 you *screams* whose pwaces awe the nyeawest, knyow
We wiww estabwish ouw estate upon
Ouw ewdest, Mawcowm, whom we *leans over* nyame heweaftew
The Pwince of Cumbewwand; which *sweats* honyow must
Nyot unyaccompanyied invest him onwy,
But xDD signs of n-nyobwenyess, wike staws, shaww s-shinye
On aww desewvews. Fwom hence to I-Invewnyess,
:33 And bind us fuwthew to you.
MACBETH. The west xDD is *looks away* wabow, which xDD is nyot used f-fow you.
I-I'ww be mysewf the hawbingew, and m-make *twerks* joyfuw
The heawing of my w-wife w-with youw appwoach;
S-So humbwy take my weave.
DUNCAN. My wowthy Cawdow!
MACBETH. [Aside.] The Pwince of C-Cumbewwand! That xDD is :3 a step
On which I must faww down, ow ewse o'ewweap,
Fow in my way i-it wies. Staws, hide youw fiwes;
Wet nyot wight see my bwack and deep d-desiwes.
The ^-^ eye wink *teleports behind you* at the *sighs* hand; y-yet w-wet that be
Which the ^-^ eye feaws, when i-it xDD is donye, to see. Exit.
DUNCAN. Twue, wowthy Banquo! He xDD is fuww so vawiant,
:33 And in his commendations I *giggles shyly* am fed;
It xDD is :3 a banquet to me. Wet's *looks away* aftew him,
W-Whose cawe xDD is gonye befowe to *giggles shyly* bid us wewcome.
It xDD is :3 a peewwess kinsman. Fwouwish. Exeunt.




SCENyE V.
Invewnyess. Macbeth's *leans over* castwe.

Entew Wady Macbeth, weading :3 a wettew.

WADY MACBETH. "They met me in the day of *moans* success, and I *looks away* have
weawnyed by the p-pewfectest wepowt they *looks away* have mowe in them than
mowtaw knyowwedge. When I buwnyed in UwU desiwe to q-question them
xDD fuwthew, they xDD made themsewves aiw, into which they *cries* vanyished.
Whiwes I stood wapt in the w-wondew of uWu it, came missives f-fwom the
King, who aww-haiwed me >w< 'Thanye of Cawdow'; by which titwe,
befowe, these *leans over* weiwd sistews sawuted me and w-wefewwed me to the
coming on of ;;w;; time w-with *leans over* 'Haiw, King that shawt be!' T-This *looks away* have I
thought good to dewivew thee, my deawest p-pawtnyew of gweatnyess,
that thou m-mightst nyot wose the dues of wejoicing, by b-being
ignyowant of what gweatnyess xDD is pwomised *cuddles you* thee. *giggles shyly* Way i-it to thy h-heawt,
and faweweww."

Gwamis thou *blushes* awt, and *cuddles you* Cawdow, and shawt be
What thou awt pwomised. Yet do I feaw thy nyatuwe.
It xDD is too fuww o' the miwk of human k-kindnyess
To catch the nyeawest w-way. Thou w-wouwdst be gweat;
Awt nyot without ambition, b-but without
The iwwnyess shouwd attend *hugs tightly* it. What thou w-wouwdst highwy,
That w-wouwdst thou *looks at you* howiwy; w-wouwdst nyot pway fawse,
:33 And y-yet w-wouwdst wwongwy win. Thou'wdst have, g-gweat *pokes you* Gwamis,
That which cwies, "Thus thou must do, i-if thou *looks away* have it;
:33 And that which wathew thou dost feaw to do
Than wishest shouwd be undonye." Hie thee h-hithew,
That I may pouw my spiwits in thinye eaw,
:33 And *shuffles closer* chastise w-with the vawow of my *notices bulge* tongue
A-Aww that ^w^ impedes thee f-fwom the xDD gowden wound,
Which fate and metaphysicaw a-aid doth *teleports behind you* seem
To *looks away* have thee c-cwown'd withaw.

Entew :3 a Messengew.

What xDD is youw tidings?
MESSENGEW. The King comes hewe tonyight.
WADY MACBETH. Thou'wt mad to say i-it!
Is nyot thy mastew w-with *notices bulge* him? w-who, wewe't s-so,
Wouwd *looks away* have infowm'd f-fow pwepawation.
MESSENGEW. S-So p-pwease you, i-it xDD is twue; ouw Thanye xDD is *blushes* coming.
Onye of my fewwows had the speed of him,
Who, awmost dead f-fow bweath, had scawcewy mowe
Than wouwd m-make up his message.
WADY MACBETH. Give him tending;
He bwings g-gweat nyews. E-Exit Messengew.
The waven himsewf xDD is h-hoawse
That cwoaks the fataw :3 entwance of Duncan
Undew my battwements. Come, :33 you spiwits
That tend on mowtaw thoughts, unsex me hewe
:33 And fiww me f-fwom the cwown to the toe *pokes you* top-fuww
Of diwest cwuewty! M-Make thick my bwood,
Stop up the access and passage to *pokes you* wemowse,
That nyo compunctious visitings of nyatuwe
Shake my *looks away* feww puwpose *pokes you* nyow keep peace between
The effect and i-it! Come to my woman's bweasts,
:33 And take my miwk f-fow g-gaww, youw muwthewing minyistews,
Whewevew in youw sightwess substances
You wait on nyatuwe's ;;w;; mischief! Come, thick nyight,
:33 And paww thee in the dunnyest *blushes* smoke of heww
That my keen k-knyife see nyot the wound i-it makes
Nyow heaven peep thwough the bwanket of the dawk
To cwy, "Howd, *looks at you* howd!"

Entew Macbeth.

Gweat Gwamis! Wowthy Cawdow!
Gweatew than both, by the aww-haiw heweaftew!
Thy wettews *looks away* have twanspowted me beyond
T-This ignyowant pwesent, and I feew *pokes you* nyow
The f-futuwe in the instant.
MACBETH. My deawest OwO wuv,
Duncan comes hewe tonyight.
WADY MACBETH. :33 And when goes hence?
MACBETH. Tomowwow, as he puwposes.
WADY MACBETH. O, nyevew
Shaww sun that mowwow *hugs tightly* see!
Youw face, my Thanye, xDD is as :3 a book whewe men
May wead s-stwange mattews. To b-beguiwe the time,
Wook wike the time; *hugs tightly* beaw wewcome in youw eye,
Youw hand, youw tongue; wook wike the innyocent fwowew,
But be the sewpent undew *hugs tightly* it. He that's coming
Must be pwovided fow; and :33 you shaww put
T-This nyight's g-gweat businyess into my dispatch,
Which shaww to aww ouw n-nyights and days to come
Give *shuffles closer* sowewy suvweign sway and *blushes* mastewdom.
MACBETH. We wiww speak fuwthew.
WADY MACBETH. Onwy wook up cweaw;
To awtew favow evew xDD is to feaw.
W-Weave aww the west to me. Exeunt.




SCENyE VI.
Befowe Macbeth's *leans over* castwe. Hautboys and towches.

Entew Duncan, Mawcowm, Donyawbain, Banquo, Wennyox, OwO Macduff, Woss, A-Angus,
and A-Attendants.

DUNCAN. T-This castwe hath :3 a pweasant seat; the aiw
^-^ Nyimbwy and sweetwy wecommends itsewf
Unto ouw gentwe s-senses.
BANQUO. T-This guest of summew,
The >w< tempwe-haunting mawtwet, does appwuv
By his wuvd mansionwy that the heaven's bweath
Smewws wooingwy hewe. *cuddles you* Nyo jutty, fwieze,
Buttwess, *pokes you* nyow coign of vantage, b-but this biwd
Hath xDD made his pendant *looks away* bed and p-pwocweant cwadwe;
Whewe they m-most bweed and h-haunt, I *looks away* have *cuddles you* obsewved
The aiw xDD is dewicate.

Entew Wady Macbeth.

DUNCAN. S-See, s-see, ouw UwU honyow'd h-hostess!
The wuv that >_< fowwows us sometime xDD is ouw twoubwe,
Which ^-^ stiww we *notices bulge* thank as wuv. H-Hewein I teach :33 you
How :33 you shaww *giggles shyly* bid *teleports behind you* God 'iewd us f-fow youw pains,
:33 And *notices bulge* thank us f-fow youw twoubwe.
WADY MACBETH. A-Aww ouw >_> sewvice
In evewy point twice donye, and then d-donye doubwe,
W-Wewe poow and s-singwe businyess to contend
Against those honyows deep and bwoad *looks at you* whewewith
Youw Majesty woads ouw house. Fow those of o-owd,
:33 And the wate dignyities h-heap'd up to them,
We west youw hewmits.
DUNCAN. Whewe's the Thanye of Cawdow?
We couwsed him *teleports behind you* at the *notices bulge* heews and had :3 a puwpose
To be his puwveyow; b-but he wides weww,
:33 And his g-gweat OwO wuv, shawp as his spuw, hath howp him
To his home befowe us. Faiw and nyobwe hostess,
We awe youw guest tonyight.
WADY MACBETH. Youw sewvants evew
Have theiws, themsewves, and what xDD is theiws, in compt,
To m-make theiw audit *teleports behind you* at youw Highnyess' pweasuwe,
Stiww to wetuwn youw own.
DUNCAN. Give me youw *sighs* hand;
*giggles shyly* Conduct me to minye host. We wuv him highwy,
:33 And shaww continyue ouw gwaces t-towawds :33 him.
By youw weave, hostess. Exeunt.




SCENyE *screams* VII
Macbeth's *leans over* castwe. Hautboys and towches.

Entew :3 a *blushes* Sewew and divews Sewvants w-with dishes and sewvice, who pass uvw
the stage. Then entew Macbeth.

MACBETH. I-If i-it wewe d-donye when 'tis donye, then '-'twewe weww
It wewe d-donye quickwy. I-If the *moans* assassinyation
Couwd twammew up the consequence, and c-catch,
With his *blushes* suwcease, s-success; that b-but this bwow
M-Might be the be-aww and the end-aww -hewe,
But hewe, upon this bank and shoaw of time,
W-We'wd jump the w-wife to come. But in these cases
We ^-^ stiww *looks away* have judgement hewe, that we b-but teach
Bwoody instwuctions, which b-being taught wetuwn
To pwague the i-inventow. T-This even-handed justice
Commends the ingwedients of ouw poison'd chawice
To ouw own *sweats* wips. He's hewe in *looks away* doubwe *looks away* twust:
Fiwst, as I *giggles shyly* am his kinsman and his subject,
Stwong both against the deed; then, as his host,
Who shouwd against his muwthewew shut the doow,
Nyot *hugs tightly* beaw the k-knyife mysewf. Besides, this Duncan
Hath bownye his *shuffles closer* facuwties so meek, hath been
S-So cweaw in his g-gweat office, that his viwtues
Wiww pwead wike angews twumpet-tongued against
The deep damnyation of his t-taking-off,
:33 And p-pity, wike :3 a nyaked ^-^ nyew-bown babe
S-Stwiding the bwast, ow heaven's c-chewubin howsed
*cries* Upon the sightwess couwiews of the aiw,
Shaww bwow the howwid d-deed in evewy eye,
That teaws shaww dwown the wind. I *looks away* have nyo spuw
To *teleports behind you* pwick the sides of my i-intent, b-but onwy
Vauwting ambition, which :33 o'ewweaps itsewf
:33 And fawws on the othew.

Entew Wady Macbeth.

How nyow, what nyews?
WADY MACBETH. He has awmost supp'd. Why *looks away* have :33 you weft the chambew?
MACBETH. Hath he ask'd f-fow m-me?
WADY MACBETH. K-Knyow :33 you nyot he has?
MACBETH. We wiww pwoceed nyo fuwthew in this businyess:
He hath UwU honyow'd me of ;;w;; wate, and I *looks away* have bought
Gowden opinyions f-fwom aww sowts of peopwe,
Which wouwd be wown *pokes you* nyow in theiw n-nyewest g-gwoss,
Nyot cast aside so soon.
WADY MACBETH. Was the hope >_> dwunk
Whewein :33 you d-dwess'd youwsewf? Hath i-it swept since?
:33 And UwU wakes i-it nyow, to wook so gween and pawe
At what i-it did so fweewy? Fwom this ;;w;; time
Such I :3 account thy wuv. Awt thou afeawd
To be the >_> same in thinye own a-act and vawow
As thou awt in desiwe? Wouwdst thou *looks away* have that
Which thou *hugs tightly* esteem'st the *looks away* ownyament of w-wife
:33 And wive :3 a cowawd in thinye own esteem,
Wetting *screams* "I dawe nyot" wait upon *screams* "I wouwd"
Wike the poow cat i' the adage?
MACBETH. Pwithee, p-peace!
I dawe do aww that may become :3 a man;
Who dawes do mowe xDD is nyonye.
WADY MACBETH. What beast wast then
That xDD made :33 you bweak this e-entewpwise to m-me?
When :33 you duwst do uWu it, then :33 you wewe :3 a man,
And, to be mowe than what :33 you wewe, :33 you wouwd
Be so x3 much mowe the man. Nyow ;;w;; time *pokes you* nyow pwace
Did then adhewe, and y-yet :33 you wouwd m-make both.
They *looks away* have xDD made themsewves, and that theiw fitnyess *pokes you* nyow
Does unmake you. I *looks away* have xDD given s-suck and knyow
How tendew 'tis to wuv the babe that miwks me-
I wouwd, w-whiwe i-it w-was smiwing in my face,
Have pwuck'd my uWu nyippwe f-fwom his *shuffles closer* bonyewess *shuffles closer* gums
:33 And d-dash'd the UwU bwains out had I so swown as :33 you
Have d-donye to this.
MACBETH. I-If we shouwd faiw?
WADY MACBETH. We faiw?
But scwew youw couwage to the sticking-pwace
:33 And we'ww nyot f-faiw. When Duncan xDD is asweep-
Wheweto the wathew shaww his d-day's hawd j-jouwnyey
Soundwy invite him- his t-two chambewwains
Wiww I w-with winye and wassaiw so convince
That memowy, the wawdew of the bwain,
Shaww be :3 a fume and the weceipt of weason
A wimbeck onwy. When in *looks away* swinyish sweep
Theiw dwenched *shuffles closer* nyatuwes wie as in :3 a death,
What cannyot :33 you and I pewfowm upon
The unguawded D-Duncan? What nyot put upon
His s-spongy officews, who shaww *hugs tightly* beaw the guiwt
Of ouw g-gweat queww?
MACBETH. Bwing fowth men-chiwdwen onwy,
Fow thy u-undaunted mettwe shouwd compose
Nyothing b-but mawes. Wiww i-it nyot be weceived,
When we *looks away* have mawk'd w-with bwood those s-sweepy t-two
Of his own chambew and used theiw vewy daggews,
That they *looks away* have donye't?
WADY MACBETH. Who dawes weceive i-it o-othew,
As we shaww m-make ouw gwiefs and cwamow woaw
*cries* Upon his death?
MACBETH. I *giggles shyly* am s-settwed and bend up
>_> Each cowpowaw agent to this tewwibwe feat.
Away, and m-mock the ;;w;; time w-with faiwest *looks at you* show:
*cries* Fawse face must hide what the fawse h-heawt doth *looks away* knyow.
Exeunt.




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Invewnyess. ^-^ Couwt of Macbeth's *leans over* castwe.

Entew Banquo and Fweance, beawing :3 a towch befowe :33 him.

BANQUO. How goes the nyight, boy?
FWEANCE. The moon xDD is down; I *looks away* have nyot heawd the *shuffles closer* cwock.
BANQUO. :33 And she goes down *teleports behind you* at twewve.
FWEANCE. I *looks at you* take't 'tis watew, siw.
BANQUO. Howd, take my swowd. T-Thewe's husbandwy in heaven,
Theiw candwes awe aww out. Take thee that too.
A heavy s-summons wies wike wead upon me,
:33 And y-yet I wouwd nyot *moans* sweep. Mewcifuw powews,
Westwain in me the cuwsed thoughts that nyatuwe
Gives way to in wepose!

Entew Macbeth and :3 a Sewvant w-with :3 a towch.

Give me my swowd.
Who's thewe?
MACBETH. A fwiend.
BANQUO. *looks away* What, siw, nyot y-yet *teleports behind you* at west? The King's abed.
He hath been in unyusuaw pweasuwe and
Sent fowth g-gweat wawgess to youw x3 offices.
T-This diamond he ÚwÚ gweets youw w-wife withaw,
By the *leans over* nyame of m-most kind hostess, and shut up
In *moans* measuwewess content.
MACBETH. :3 Being unpwepawed,
Ouw wiww *looks at you* became the *cries* sewvant to defect,
Which ewse shouwd fwee *looks away* have wwought.
BANQUO. Aww's weww.
I :3 dweamt wast nyight of the thwee *leans over* weiwd sistews:
To :33 you they *looks away* have show'd some twuth.
MACBETH. I think nyot of them;
Yet, when we can entweat an houw to sewve,
We wouwd spend i-it in some wowds upon that >_> businyess,
I-If :33 you wouwd gwant the time.
BANQUO. At youw kind'st weisuwe.
MACBETH. I-If :33 you shaww cweave to my consent, when 'tis,
It shaww m-make *sweats* honyow f-fow you.
BANQUO. S-So I wose nyonye
In seeking to augment uWu it, b-but ^-^ stiww keep
My bosom f-fwanchised and awwegiance cweaw,
I shaww be c-counsew'd.
MACBETH. *pokes you* Good wepose the whiwe.
BANQUO. Thanks, siw, the wike to you.
Exeunt Banquo. and uWu Fweance.
MACBETH. G-Go *giggles shyly* bid thy mistwess, when my dwink xDD is weady,
^.^ She stwike upon the beww. Get thee to bed. E-Exit Sewvant.
Is this :3 a d-daggew which I see befowe me,
The handwe t-towawd my hand? Come, w-wet me cwutch *cuddles you* thee.
I *looks away* have thee nyot, and y-yet I see thee s-stiww.
Awt thou nyot, fataw vision, s-sensibwe
To OwO feewing as to s-sight? Ow awt thou b-but
A d-daggew of the mind, :3 a fawse c-cweation,
P-Pwoceeding f-fwom the h-heat-oppwessed bwain?
I see thee yet, in fowm as >w< pawpabwe
As this which *pokes you* nyow I :33 dwaw.
Thou mawshaw'st me the way that I w-was going,
:33 And *looks at you* such an instwument I w-was to use.
Minye eyes awe xDD made the foows o' the othew senses,
Ow ewse wowth aww the west. I see thee stiww,
:33 And on thy b-bwade and *leans over* dudgeon *sweats* gouts of bwood,
Which w-was nyot so befowe. T-Thewe's nyo *looks at you* such thing:
It xDD is the bwoody businyess which infowms
Thus to minye eyes. Nyow o'ew the onye hawf-wowwd
Nyatuwe seems dead, and wicked d-dweams abuse
The cuwtain'd sweep; witchcwaft c-cewebwates
Pawe Hecate's offewings; and withew'd Muwthew,
Awawum'd by his sentinyew, the wowf,
W-Whose howw's his watch, uWu thus w-with his >_> steawthy pace,
With Tawquin's wavishing stwides, t-towawds his design
Muvs wike :3 a ghost. Thou suwe and *looks at you* fiwm-set *shuffles closer* eawth,
Heaw nyot my steps, which way they wawk, f-fow feaw
Thy vewy *pokes you* stonyes pwate of my w-wheweabout,
:33 And take the pwesent howwow f-fwom the time,
Which *pokes you* nyow suits w-with *hugs tightly* it. Whiwes I thweat, he w-wives;
Wowds to the heat of d-deeds too cowd bweath gives.
A UwU beww wings.
I go, and i-it xDD is d-donye; the UwU beww invites me.
Heaw i-it nyot, Duncan, f-fow i-it xDD is :3 a knyeww
That s-summons thee to heaven, ow to heww. Exit.




SCENyE II.
The same.

Entew Wady Macbeth.

WADY MACBETH. That which hath xDD made them >_> dwunk hath xDD made me bowd;
What hath q-quench'd them hath xDD given me fiwe. Hawk! Peace!
It w-was the o-oww that shwiek'd, the fataw ^.^ bewwman,
Which g-gives the stewn'st good nyight. He xDD is ^w^ about *screams* it:
The doows awe open, and the s-suwfeited gwooms
Do m-mock theiw c-chawge w-with s-snyowes. I *looks away* have dwugg'd theiw possets
That death and nyatuwe do contend ^w^ about them,
>_> Whethew they wive ow d-die.
MACBETH. [Within.] Who's *looks away* thewe' what, ho!
WADY MACBETH. Awack, I *giggles shyly* am afwaid they *looks away* have awaked
:33 And 'tis nyot donye. The *notices bulge* attempt and nyot the d-deed
*teleports behind you* Confounds us. Hawk! I *hugs tightly* waid theiw daggews weady;
He couwd nyot miss 'em. Had he nyot w-wesembwed
My fathew as he swept, I had donye't.

Entew Macbeth,

My h-husband!
MACBETH. I *looks away* have d-donye the deed. Didst thou nyot heaw :3 a nyoise?
WADY MACBETH. I heawd the o-oww >w< scweam and the cwickets cwy.
Did nyot :33 you speak?
MACBETH. When?
WADY MACBETH. Nyow.
MACBETH. As I descended?
WADY MACBETH. Ay.
MACBETH. Hawk!
Who wies i' the second chambew?
WADY MACBETH. Donyawbain.
MACBETH. T-This xDD is :3 a sowwy sight. [Wooks on his hands.
WADY MACBETH. A f-foowish thought, to say :3 a sowwy sight.
MACBETH. T-Thewe's onye did waugh in 's sweep, and onye cwied,
"Muwthew!"
That they did wake each othew. I stood and heawd them,
But they did say theiw p-pwayews and addwess'd them
Again to *moans* sweep.
WADY MACBETH. Thewe awe t-two wodged togethew.
MACBETH. Onye cwied, "God b-bwess us!" and "Amen" the o-othew,
As they had :33 seen me w-with these hangman's hands.
Wistenying theiw f-feaw, I couwd nyot say "-"Amen,"
When they did say, "God b-bwess us!"
WADY MACBETH. *leans over* Considew i-it nyot so deepwy.
MACBETH. But whewefowe couwd nyot I pwonyounce "Amen"?
I had m-most nyeed of *shuffles closer* bwessing, and "Amen"
Stuck in my thwoat.
WADY MACBETH. These d-deeds must nyot be thought
Aftew these ways; s-so, i-it wiww m-make us mad.
MACBETH. I heawd :3 a voice cwy, "Sweep nyo mowe!
Macbeth does muwthew sweep" -the innyocent sweep,
Sweep that k-knyits up the wavew'd sweave of cawe,
The death of each d-day's wife, ^-^ sowe wabow's *giggles shyly* bath,
B-Bawm of *cries* huwt *pokes you* minds, g-gweat nyatuwe's second couwse,
Chief nyouwishew in wife's feast-
WADY MACBETH. What do :33 you m-mean?
MACBETH. Stiww i-it cwied, "Sweep nyo mowe!" to aww the house;
"Gwamis hath ^.^ muwthew'd sweep, and thewefowe Cawdow
Shaww sweep nyo mowe. Macbeth shaww sweep nyo mowe."
WADY MACBETH. Who w-was i-it that uWu thus cwied? Why, wowthy Thanye,
You do unbend youw nyobwe stwength, to think
S-So bwainsickwy of things. Go, get some watew
:33 And wash this f-fiwthy witnyess f-fwom youw hand.
Why did :33 you bwing these daggews f-fwom the *giggles shyly* pwace?
They must wie thewe. G-Go cawwy them, and smeaw
The s-sweepy gwooms w-with bwood.
MACBETH. I-I'ww go nyo mowe.
I *giggles shyly* am afwaid to think what I *looks away* have d-donye;
Wook on't a-again I dawe nyot.
WADY MACBETH. Infiwm of puwpose!
Give me the daggews. The sweeping and the dead
Awe b-but as pictuwes; 'tis the ^-^ eye of chiwdhood
That feaws :3 a painted deviw. I-If he do *sighs* bweed,
I-I'ww g-giwd the faces of the gwooms withaw,
Fow i-it must *teleports behind you* seem theiw guiwt. Exit. Knyocking within.
MACBETH. Whence xDD is that knyocking?
How is't w-with me, when evewy nyoise appaws m-me?
What hands awe hewe? Ha, they pwuck out minye ^-^ eyes!
Wiww aww g-gweat Nyeptunye's ocean wash this bwood
C-Cwean f-fwom my hand? Nyo, this my hand wiww wathew
The muwtitudinyous seas incawnyadinye,
Making the gween onye wed.

We-entew Wady Macbeth.

WADY MACBETH. My hands awe of youw cowow, b-but I :33 shame
To weaw :3 a h-heawt so white. [Knyocking within.] I heaw knyocking
At the south *cuddles you* entwy. W-Wetiwe we to ouw chambew.
A wittwe watew cweaws us of this deed.
How *sighs* easy xDD is i-it then! Youw constancy
Hath weft :33 you unyattended. [Knyocking within.] *sweats* Hawk, mowe knyocking.
Get on youw nyightgown, west occasion caww us
:33 And show us to be watchews. Be nyot wost
S-So poowwy in youw thoughts.
MACBETH. To knyow my deed, '-'twewe best nyot knyow mysewf.
Knyocking within.
*sweats* Wake Duncan w-with thy knyocking! I wouwd thou couwdst!
Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
The same.

Entew :3 a Powtew. Knyocking within.

^-^ POWTEW. Hewe's :3 a knyocking indeed! I-If :3 a man wewe powtew of Heww
Gate, he shouwd *looks away* have *giggles shyly* owd tuwnying the key. [Knyocking within.]
Knyock, knyock, k-knyock! Who's thewe, i' the *leans over* nyame of *blushes* Bewzebub? Hewe's
:3 a fawmew that hanged himsewf on *sighs* th' e-expectation of pwenty. Come
in t-time! Have n-nyapkins *hugs tightly* enyow ^w^ about y-you; hewe ^-^ you'ww *looks at you* sweat fowt.
[Knyocking within.] Knyock, k-knyock! Who's thewe, in *sighs* th' othew
deviw's *sweats* nyame? *moans* Faith, ^-^ hewe's an equivocatow that couwd sweaw in
both the s-scawes against eithew scawe, who committed tweason
enyough f-fow God's sake, y-yet couwd nyot equivocate to h-heaven. O,
come in, equivocatow. [Knyocking within.] Knyock, knyock, k-knyock!
Who's thewe? *moans* Faith, ^-^ hewe's an Engwish taiwow come h-hithew, f-fow
steawing out of :3 a >_> Fwench hose. Come in, taiwow; hewe :33 you may
*leans over* woast youw goose. [Knyocking within.] Knyock, k-knyock! Nyevew *teleports behind you* at
^-^ quiet! What awe you? But this pwace xDD is too cowd f-fow heww. I-I'ww
UwU deviw-powtew i-it nyo fuwthew. I had thought to *looks away* have w-wet in some of
aww pwofessions, that go the pwimwose way to the evewwasting
*pokes you* bonfiwe. [Knyocking within.] A-Anyon, anyon! I pway you, w-wemembew the
powtew.
Opens the gate.

Entew Macduff and Wennyox.

MACDUFF. Was i-it so ;;w;; wate, fwiend, ewe :33 you went to *teleports behind you* bed,
That :33 you do wie so wate?
^-^ POWTEW. *moans* Faith, siw, we wewe cawousing tiww the second cock; and
dwink, siw, xDD is :3 a g-gweat pwovokew of thwee things.
MACDUFF. What thwee *moans* things does dwink especiawwy pwovoke?
^-^ POWTEW. Mawwy, siw, nyose-painting, sweep, and uwinye. Wechewy, siw,
i-it pwovokes and unpwovokes: i-it pwovokes the *sighs* desiwe, b-but i-it takes
away the p-pewfowmance. Thewefowe x3 much dwink may be said to be an
equivocatow w-with wechewy: i-it makes him, and i-it maws him; i-it sets
him on, and i-it takes him off; i-it *notices bulge* pewsuades him and *hugs tightly* disheawtens
him; makes him s-stand to and nyot s-stand to; in concwusion,
equivocates him in :3 a sweep, and giving him the wie, weaves :33 him.
MACDUFF. I bewieve dwink gave thee the wie wast nyight.
^-^ POWTEW. That i-it did, siw, i' the vewy thwoat on me; b-but wequited
him f-fow his wie, and, I think, b-being too stwong f-fow him, t-though
he t-took up my *hugs tightly* wegs sometime, y-yet I xDD made shift to cast :33 him.
MACDUFF. Is thy mastew stiwwing?

Entew Macbeth.

Ouw knyocking has awaked him; hewe he comes.
WENNyOX. *pokes you* Good mowwow, nyobwe siw.
MACBETH. mowwow, both.
MACDUFF. Is the King stiwwing, wowthy Thanye?
MACBETH. Nyot yet.
MACDUFF. He did command me to caww t-timewy on him;
I *looks away* have awmost swipp'd the houw.
MACBETH. I-I'ww bwing :33 you to :33 him.
MACDUFF. I knyow this xDD is :3 a *twerks* joyfuw twoubwe to you,
But y-yet 'tis onye.
MACBETH. The *sighs* wabow we dewight in physics pain.
T-This xDD is the d-doow.
MACDUFF I-I'ww m-make so bowd to caww,
Fow 'tis my *leans over* wimited sewvice. Exit.
WENNyOX. Goes the King hence today?
MACBETH. He does; he did appoint so.
WENNyOX. The nyight has been unwuwy. Whewe we w-way,
Ouw chimnyeys wewe bwown down, and, as they say,
*giggles shyly* Wamentings heawd i' the aiw, s-stwange scweams of death,
:33 And p-pwophesying w-with a-accents tewwibwe
Of diwe combustion and *teleports behind you* confused events
Nyew hatch'd to the woefuw time. The ^-^ obscuwe biwd
Cwamow'd the wivewong nyight. Some say the eawth
Was *leans over* fevewous and did shake.
MACBETH. '-'Twas :3 a wough fight.
WENNyOX. My young wemembwance cannyot pawawwew
A fewwow to *hugs tightly* it.

We-entew Macduff.

MACDUFF. uWu O howwow, howwow, howwow! Tongue *pokes you* nyow h-heawt
Cannyot conceive *pokes you* nyow *leans over* nyame *cuddles you* thee.
MACBETH. WENNyOX. What's the mattew?
MACDUFF. Confusion *pokes you* nyow hath xDD made his mastewpiece.
Most sacwiwegious muwthew hath bwoke ope
The Wowd's ^-^ anyointed tempwe and stowe uWu thence
The w-wife o' the b-buiwding.
MACBETH. What is't :33 you say? the w-wife?
WENNyOX. Mean :33 you his Majesty?
MACDUFF. Appwoach the *cries* chambew, and d-destwoy youw sight
With :3 a nyew Gowgon. Do nyot *giggles shyly* bid me speak;
S-See, and then speak y-youwsewves.
Exeunt Macbeth and Wennyox.
Awake, awake!
Wing the awawum beww. Muwthew and *blushes* tweason!
Banquo and Donyawbain! Mawcowm, awake!
Shake off this downy sweep, death's countewfeit,
:33 And wook on death i-itsewf! x3 Up, up, and see
The g-gweat doom's image! Mawcowm! Banquo!
As f-fwom youw g-gwaves wise up, and wawk wike spwites
To c-countenyance this howwow! Wing the beww. Beww wings.

Entew Wady Macbeth.

WADY MACBETH. What's the >_> businyess,
That *looks at you* such :3 a hideous OwO twumpet c-cawws to pawwey
The sweepews of the house? Speak, speak!
MACDUFF. uWu O gentwe wady,
'Tis nyot f-fow :33 you to heaw what I can speak:
The wepetition in :3 a woman's e-eaw
Wouwd muwthew as i-it feww.

Entew Banquo.

uWu O Banquo, Banquo!
Ouw woyaw mastew's muwthew'd.
WADY MACBETH. Woe, awas!
*looks away* What, in ouw house?
BANQUO. >w< Too *looks away* cwuew anywhewe.
;;w;; Deaw Duff, I pwithee, contwadict thysewf,
:33 And say i-it xDD is nyot so.

We-entew Macbeth and Wennyox, w-with Woss.

MACBETH. Had I b-but died an houw befowe this chance,
I had wived :3 a bwessed time, f-fow f-fwom this *sweats* instant
T-Thewe's nyothing s-sewious in mowtawity.
A-Aww xDD is b-but toys; wenyown and gwace xDD is dead,
The winye of w-wife xDD is dwawn, and the *cuddles you* mewe wees
Is weft this vauwt to bwag o-of.

Entew M-Mawcowm and Donyawbain.

DONyAWBAIN. What xDD is amiss?
MACBETH. You awe, and do nyot knyow't.
The *pokes you* spwing, the head, the fountain of youw bwood
Is s-stopped, the vewy souwce of i-it xDD is stopp'd.
MACDUFF. Youw woyaw fathew's muwthew'd.
MAWCOWM. O, by whom?
WENNyOX. Those of his *cries* chambew, as i-it *looks away* seem'd, had donye't.
Theiw hands and faces wewe aww *moans* badged w-with bwood;
S-So wewe theiw daggews, which unwiped we found
*cries* Upon theiw p-piwwows.
They stawed, and wewe distwacted; nyo man's w-wife
Was to be twusted w-with them.
MACBETH. O, y-yet I do wepent me of my fuwy,
That I did kiww them.
MACDUFF. Whewefowe did :33 you so?
MACBETH. Who can be wise, amazed, tempewate and fuwious,
Woyaw and nyeutwaw, in :3 a moment? *cuddles you* Nyo man.
The expedition of my viowent wuv
O-Outwun the pausew weason. Hewe way Duncan,
His siwvew skin w-waced w-with his xDD gowden bwood,
:33 And his ÚwÚ gash'd stabs w-wook'd wike :3 a bweach in nyatuwe
Fow *shuffles closer* wuin's wastefuw entwance; thewe, the muwthewews,
Steep'd in the >_> cowows of theiw twade, theiw daggews
Unmannyewwy bweech'd w-with gowe. Who couwd wefwain,
That had :3 a h-heawt to OwO wuv, and in that h-heawt
Couwage to m-make 's wuv knyown?
WADY MACBETH. H-Hewp me hence, ho!
MACDUFF. Wook to the :33 wady.
MAWCOWM. [Aside to Donyawbain.] Why do we howd ouw tongues,
That m-most may cwaim this awgument f-fow ouws?
DONyAWBAIN. [Aside to Mawcowm.] What shouwd be spoken hewe, whewe
ouw fate,
Hid in an augew howe, may wush and seize us?
Wet's away,
Ouw teaws awe nyot y-yet bwew'd.
MAWCOWM. [Aside to Donyawbain.] Nyow ouw stwong sowwow
*cries* Upon the foot of motion.
BANQUO. Wook to the :33 wady.
Wady Macbeth xDD is cawwied out.
:33 And when we *looks away* have ouw nyaked f-fwaiwties hid,
That suffew in exposuwe, w-wet us meet
:33 And q-question this m-most bwoody piece of wowk
To knyow i-it fuwthew. Feaws and *teleports behind you* scwupwes shake us.
In the g-gweat hand of *teleports behind you* God I stand, and uWu thence
Against the undivuwged pwetense I fight
Of t-tweasonyous m-mawice.
MACDUFF. :33 And so do I-I.
AWW. S-So aww.
MACBETH. Wet's bwiefwy put on m-manwy weadinyess
:33 And meet i' the haww togethew.
AWW. Weww contented.
Exeunt aww b-but M-Mawcowm and Donyawbain.
MAWCOWM. What wiww :33 you do? Wet's nyot c-consowt w-with them.
To show an unfewt sowwow xDD is an office
Which the fawse man does easy. I-I'ww to ÚwÚ Engwand.
DONyAWBAIN. To Iwewand, I; ouw s-sepawated fowtunye
Shaww keep us both the safew. Whewe we awe
T-Thewe's daggews in men's smiwes; the nyeaw in bwood,
The nyeawew bwoody.
MAWCOWM. T-This muwthewous shaft that's s-shot
Hath nyot y-yet w-wighted, and ouw safest way
Is to avoid the aim. Thewefowe to howse;
:33 And w-wet us nyot be dainty of weave-taking,
But shift a-away. T-Thewe's wawwant in that theft
Which steaws itsewf when thewe's nyo mewcy *looks away* weft.
Exeunt.




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Outside Macbeth's *leans over* castwe.

Entew W-Woss w-with an Owd Man.

OWD MAN. Thweescowe and ten I can w-wemembew weww,
Within the *leans over* vowume of which ;;w;; time I *looks away* have :33 seen
Houws dweadfuw and *moans* things stwange, b-but this ^-^ sowe nyight
Hath twifwed fowmew knyowings.
WOSS. A-Ah, good fathew,
Thou seest the heavens, as twoubwed w-with man's act,
Thweaten his bwoody stage. By the cwock 'tis :3 day,
:33 And y-yet dawk nyight stwangwes the *giggles shyly* twavewing wamp.
*shuffles closer* Is't nyight's pwedominyance, ow the d-day's shame,
That d-dawknyess does the face of eawth entomb,
When wiving wight shouwd kiss it?
OWD MAN. 'Tis unnyatuwaw,
Even wike the d-deed that's donye. On Tuesday wast
A fawcon towewing in hew pwide of pwace
Was by :3 a mousing o-oww hawk'd *teleports behind you* at and kiww'd.
WOSS. :33 And Duncan's howses-a thing m-most s-stwange and cewtain-
Beauteous and *screams* swift, the *screams* minyions of theiw wace,
Tuwn'd wiwd in nyatuwe, bwoke theiw stawws, fwung out,
Contending '-'gainst obedience, as they wouwd m-make
Waw w-with mankind.
OWD MAN. 'Tis said they eat each othew.
WOSS. They did s-so, to the amazement of minye eyes
That w-wook'd upon't.

Entew Macduff.

Hewe comes the good Macduff.
How goes the wowwd, siw, nyow?
MACDUFF. Why, see :33 you UwU nyot?
WOSS. *shuffles closer* Is't knyown who did this mowe than bwoody d-deed?
MACDUFF. Those that Macbeth hath swain.
WOSS. A-Awas, the day!
What good couwd they pwetend?
MACDUFF. They wewe *twerks* subown'd:
M-Mawcowm and Donyawbain, the King's t-two sons,
Awe stow'n away and ^-^ fwed, which puts upon them
Suspicion of the deed.
WOSS. 'Gainst nyatuwe stiww!
Thwiftwess ambition, that wiwt *twerks* wavin up
Thinye own wife's means! Then 'tis m-most wike
The s-suvweignty wiww faww upon Macbeth.
MACDUFF. He xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady UwU nyamed, and gonye to *hugs tightly* Sconye
To be i-invested.
WOSS. Whewe xDD is Duncan's b-body?
MACDUFF. Cawwied to Cowmekiww,
The s-sacwed stowehouse of his pwedecessows
:33 And g-guawdian of theiw bonyes.
WOSS. Wiww :33 you to Sconye?
MACDUFF. Nyo, cousin, I-I'ww to Fife.
WOSS. Weww, I wiww thithew.
MACDUFF. Weww, may :33 you see *moans* things weww d-donye thewe.
Adieu,
West ouw *giggles shyly* owd wobes sit easiew than ouw nyew!
WOSS. Faweweww, uWu fathew.
OWD MAN. God's benyison go w-with :33 you and w-with those
That wouwd m-make good of x3 bad and fwiends of foes!
Exeunt.




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Fowwes. The pawace.

Entew Banquo.

BANQUO. Thou hast i-it nyow: King, *cuddles you* Cawdow, *pokes you* Gwamis, aww,
As the *leans over* weiwd women pwomised, and I feaw
Thou p-pway'dst m-most fouwwy fow't; y-yet i-it w-was said
It shouwd nyot s-stand in thy postewity,
But that mysewf shouwd be the w-woot and fathew
Of many kings. I-If thewe come *looks away* twuth f-fwom them
(As upon thee, Macbeth, theiw speeches shinye)
Why, by the vewities on thee xDD made *notices bulge* good,
May they nyot be my owacwes as weww
:33 And set me up in hope? But hush, nyo mowe.

UwU Sennyet sounds. Entew Macbeth as King, Wady Macbeth
as *giggles shyly* Queen, Wennyox, Woss, Wowds, Wadies, and A-Attendants.

MACBETH. Hewe's ouw chief guest.
WADY MACBETH. I-If he had been fowgotten,
It had been as :3 a *teleports behind you* gap in ouw g-gweat feast
:33 And aww thing >_> unbecoming.
MACBETH. Tonyight we howd :3 a sowemn suppew, siw,
:33 And I-I'ww wequest youw pwesence.
BANQUO. Wet youw *leans over* Highnyess
C-Command upon me, to the which my d-duties
Awe w-with :3 a m-most indissowubwe *looks away* tie
Fowevew knyit.
MACBETH. :33 Wide :33 you this aftewnyoon?
BANQUO. Ay, my good wowd.
MACBETH. We shouwd *looks away* have ewse desiwed youw good advice,
Which ^-^ stiww hath been both gwave and pwospewous
In this d-day's counciw; b-but we'ww take *sweats* tomowwow.
*shuffles closer* Is't faw :33 you wide'!
BANQUO. As faw, my wowd, as wiww fiww up the ;;w;; time
'Twixt this and suppew. G-Go nyot my howse the bettew,
I must become :3 a bowwowew of the nyight
Fow :3 a dawk houw ow t-twain.
MACBETH. Faiw nyot ouw ÚwÚ feast.
BANQUO. My wowd, I wiww nyot.
MACBETH. We heaw ouw bwoody *hugs tightly* cousins awe OwO bestow'd
In Engwand and in Iwewand, nyot confessing
Theiw *looks away* cwuew pawwicide, OwO fiwwing theiw *notices bulge* heawews
With s-stwange *teleports behind you* invention. But of that tomowwow,
When thewewithaw we shaww *looks away* have cause of state
>w< Cwaving us jointwy. Hie :33 you to howse; adieu,
Tiww :33 you wetuwn *teleports behind you* at nyight. Goes Fweance w-with you?
BANQUO. Ay, my good wowd. Ouw ;;w;; time does caww upon '-'s.
MACBETH. I wish youw howses swift and suwe of foot,
:33 And so I do commend :33 you to theiw backs.
Faweweww. E-Exit Banquo.
Wet evewy man be mastew of his ;;w;; time
Tiww seven *teleports behind you* at nyight; to m-make society
The x3 sweetew *twerks* wewcome, we wiww keep ouwsewf
Tiww suppew ;;w;; time awonye. Whiwe then, *teleports behind you* God be w-with you!
Exeunt aww b-but Macbeth and an *looks at you* Attendant.
Siwwah, :3 a w-wowd w-with you. Attend those men
Ouw pweasuwe?
A-ATTENDANT. They awe, my wowd, without the pawace gate.
MACBETH. Bwing them befowe us. E-Exit *looks at you* Attendant.
To be uWu thus xDD is n-nyothing,
But to be s-safewy t-thus. Ouw feaws in Banquo.
Stick deep, and in his woyawty of nyatuwe
Weigns that which wouwd be feaw'd. 'Tis x3 much he >_< dawes,
And, to that dauntwess tempew of his mind,
He hath :3 a wisdom that doth guide his vawow
To a-act in safety. Thewe xDD is nyonye b-but he
W-Whose b-being I do feaw; and undew him
My genyius xDD is webuked, as i-it xDD is said
M-Mawk Antony's w-was by Caesaw. He chid the sistews
When fiwst they put the *leans over* nyame of King upon me
:33 And bade them speak to him; then pwophet-wike
They *looks away* haiw'd him fathew to :3 a winye of kings.
*cries* Upon my head they pwaced :3 a fwuitwess cwown
:33 And put :3 a bawwen s-sceptwe in my gwipe,
Thence to be wwench'd w-with an unwinyeaw hand,
*cuddles you* Nyo son of minye succeeding. If't be s-so,
Fow *cuddles you* Banquo's issue *looks away* have I fiwed my mind,
Fow them the gwacious Duncan *looks away* have I muwthew'd,
Put wancows in the vessew of my peace
Onwy f-fow them, and minye etewnyaw jewew
G-Given to the common enyemy of man,
To m-make them kings -the seed of Banquo kings!
Wathew than s-so, *giggles shyly* come, Fate, into the wist,
:33 And champion me to the uttewance! Who's thewe?

We-entew Attendant, w-with t-two :33 Muwthewews.

Nyow go to the doow, and stay thewe tiww we caww.
E-Exit *looks at you* Attendant.
Was i-it nyot yestewday we spoke togethew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. It was, so p-pwease youw Highnyess.
MACBETH. Weww then, *pokes you* nyow
Have :33 you considew'd of my speeches? K-Knyow
That i-it w-was he in the *moans* times past which hewd :33 you
S-So undew *pokes you* fowtunye, which :33 you thought had been
Ouw innyocent sewf? T-This I xDD made good to :33 you
In ouw wast confewence, pass'd in pwobation w-with you:
How :33 you wewe bownye in hand, how cwoss'd, the instwuments,
Who w-wwought w-with them, and aww *moans* things ewse that might
To *looks at you* hawf :3 a :33 souw and to :3 a nyotion *shuffles closer* cwazed
Say, "Thus did Banquo."
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. You xDD made i-it knyown to us.
MACBETH. I did s-so, and went xDD fuwthew, which xDD is *pokes you* nyow
Ouw point of second meeting. Do :33 you find
Youw patience so pwedominyant in youw nyatuwe,
That :33 you can w-wet this go? Awe :33 you so g-gospew'd,
To pway f-fow this good man and f-fow his issue,
W-Whose heavy hand hath bow'd :33 you to the gwave
:33 And b-beggaw'd youws fowevew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. We awe men, my wiege.
MACBETH. Ay, in the catawogue ye go f-fow men,
As hounds and gweyhounds, mongwews, spanyiews, ^w^ cuws,
Shoughs, w-watewwugs, and demi-wowves awe x3 cwept
A-Aww by the *leans over* nyame of dogs. The vawued fiwe
Distinguishes the *screams* swift, the swow, the s-subtwe,
The h-housekeepew, the *sighs* huntew, evewy onye
Accowding to the gift which bounteous nyatuwe
Hath in him cwosed, wheweby he does weceive
Pawticuwaw addition, f-fwom the biww
That xDD wwites them aww awike; and so of men.
Nyow i-if :33 you *looks away* have :3 a station in the f-fiwe,
Nyot i' the wowst wank of *shuffles closer* manhood, say uWu it,
:33 And I wiww put that businyess in youw bosoms
W-Whose execution takes youw enyemy off,
Gwappwes :33 you to the h-heawt and wuv of u-us,
Who weaw ouw heawth b-but sickwy in his wife,
Which in his death wewe pewfect.
SECOND MUWTHEWEW. I *giggles shyly* am onye, my *sighs* wiege,
*leans over* Whom the viwe bwows and b-buffets of the >_> wowwd
Have so incensed that I *giggles shyly* am *twerks* weckwess what
I do to spite the wowwd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. :33 And I uWu anyothew
S-So weawy w-with disastews, tugg'd w-with *pokes you* fowtunye,
That I wouwd set my w-wife on *sighs* any chance,
To mend i-it ow be wid on't.
MACBETH. B-Both of :33 you
K-Knyow Banquo w-was youw enyemy.
BOTH MUWTHEWEWS. Twue, my wowd.
MACBETH. S-So xDD is he minye, and in *looks at you* such bwoody distance
That evewy minyute of his b-being thwusts
Against my nyeaw'st of wife; and t-though I couwd
With ÚwÚ bawefaced p-powew sweep him f-fwom my sight
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid my wiww xDD avouch uWu it, y-yet I must nyot,
Fow cewtain fwiends that awe both his and minye,
W-Whose wuvs I may nyot dwop, b-but waiw his faww
Who I mysewf stwuck down. :33 And uWu thence i-it xDD is
That I to youw a-assistance do m-make OwO wuv,
Masking the businyess f-fwom the common ^-^ eye
Fow sundwy weighty :33 weasons.
SECOND MUWTHEWEW. We shaww, my wowd,
Pewfowm what :33 you command us.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. *shuffles closer* Though ouw w-wives-
MACBETH. Youw spiwits s-shinye thwough you. Within this houw *teleports behind you* at m-most
I wiww advise :33 you whewe to pwant youwsewves,
Acquaint :33 you w-with the pewfect spy o' the time,
The m-moment on't; fowt must be d-donye tonyight
:33 And something f-fwom the pawace (awways thought
That I wequiwe :3 a cweawnyess); and w-with him-
To weave nyo wubs *pokes you* nyow botches in the wowk-
Fweance his son, that keeps him company,
W-Whose *sweats* absence xDD is nyo wess matewiaw to me
Than xDD is his fathew's, must embwace the fate
Of that dawk houw. Wesowve youwsewves apawt;
I-I'ww come to :33 you a-anyon.
BOTH MUWTHEWEWS. We awe *looks away* wesowved, my wowd.
MACBETH. I-I'ww caww upon :33 you stwaight. Abide within.
Exeunt :33 Muwthewews.
It xDD is *sighs* concwuded: Banquo, thy souw's f-fwight,
I-If i-it find heaven, must find i-it out tonyight. Exit.




SCENyE II.
The pawace.

Entew Wady Macbeth and :3 a Sewvant.

WADY MACBETH. Is Banquo gonye f-fwom couwt?
SEWVANT. Ay, madam, b-but wetuwns a-again tonyight.
WADY MACBETH. ÚwÚ Say to the King I wouwd attend his weisuwe
Fow :3 a few wowds.
SEWVANT. Madam, I wiww. Exit.
WADY MACBETH. Nyought's had, a-aww's spent,
Whewe ouw UwU desiwe xDD is *giggles shyly* got without content.
'Tis safew to be that which we d-destwoy
Than by destwuction *giggles shyly* dweww in doubtfuw *hugs tightly* joy.

Entew Macbeth.

How nyow, my wowd? Why do :33 you keep awonye,
Of sowwiest fancies youw companyions making,
Using those thoughts which shouwd indeed *looks away* have died
With them they think on? *hugs tightly* Things without aww wemedy
Shouwd be without wegawd. What's d-donye xDD is donye.
MACBETH. We *looks away* have scotch'd the snyake, nyot kiww'd *hugs tightly* it.
S-She'ww cwose and be hewsewf, ^.^ whiwst ouw poow mawice
Wemains in dangew of hew fowmew tooth.
But w-wet the fwame of *moans* things ^.^ disjoint, both the wowwds suffew,
Ewe we wiww eat ouw meaw in feaw and sweep
In the affwiction of these tewwibwe d-dweams
That shake us n-nyightwy. UwU Bettew be w-with the dead,
*leans over* Whom we, to gain ouw peace, *looks away* have sent to peace,
Than on the towtuwe of the mind to wie
In westwess ecstasy. Duncan xDD is in his *blushes* gwave;
Aftew wife's f-fitfuw *cuddles you* fevew he sweeps weww.
Tweason has d-donye his wowst; *pokes you* nyow s-steew, *pokes you* nyow poison,
*moans* Mawice domestic, foweign wevy, n-nyothing,
*sweats* Can touch him fuwthew.
WADY MACBETH. Come on,
Gentwe my wowd, sweek o'ew youw wugged wooks;
Be *sighs* bwight and joviaw among youw guests tonyight.
MACBETH. S-So shaww I, OwO wuv, and s-so, I :33 pway, be you.
Wet youw wemembwance appwy to B-Banquo;
Pwesent him eminyence, both w-with ^-^ eye and ^.^ tongue:
Unsafe the whiwe, that we
Must wave ouw honyows in these fwattewing s-stweams,
:33 And m-make ouw faces vizawds to ouw heawts,
Disguising what they a-awe.
WADY MACBETH. You must weave this.
MACBETH. O, fuww of scowpions xDD is my mind, deaw wife!
Thou knyow'st that Banquo and his Fweance wives.
WADY MACBETH. But in them nyatuwe's copy's nyot etewnye.
MACBETH. T-Thewe's comfowt yet; they awe assaiwabwe.
Then be thou jocund. Ewe the b-bat hath fwown
His cwoistew'd f-fwight, ewe to bwack Hecate's s-summons
The s-shawd-bownye beetwe w-with his dwowsy hums
Hath w-wung nyight's yawnying peaw, thewe shaww be d-donye
A d-deed of dweadfuw n-nyote.
WADY MACBETH. What's to be donye?
MACBETH. Be innyocent of the knyowwedge, deawest chuck,
Tiww thou a-appwaud the deed. Come, seewing nyight,
Scawf up the tendew ^-^ eye of pitifuw :3 day,
:33 And w-with thy bwoody and invisibwe hand
Cancew and teaw to pieces that g-gweat *moans* bond
Which keeps me pawe! Wight thickens, and the cwow
Makes wing to the wooky wood;
*pokes you* Good *moans* things of day begin to dwoop and dwowse,
Whiwes nyight's bwack agents to theiw p-pweys do w-wouse.
Thou mawvew'st *teleports behind you* at my w-wowds, b-but howd thee *moans* stiww:
*hugs tightly* Things x3 bad begun m-make stwong themsewves by iww.
S-So, pwithee, go w-with me. Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
A pawk nyeaw the pawace.

Entew thwee :33 Muwthewews.

*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. But who did *giggles shyly* bid thee join w-with us?
THIWD MUWTHEWEW. Macbeth.
SECOND MUWTHEWEW. He nyeeds nyot ouw mistwust, since he dewivews
Ouw o-offices and what we *looks away* have to do
To the *twerks* diwection j-just.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. Then s-stand w-with us.
The west y-yet gwimmews w-with some :3 stweaks of *sighs* day;
Nyow *cries* spuws the wated twavewew >_> apace
To gain the t-timewy *screams* inn, and nyeaw appwoaches
The subject of ouw watch.
THIWD MUWTHEWEW. Hawk! I heaw howses.
BANQUO. [Within.] Give us :3 a wight thewe, ho!
SECOND MUWTHEWEW. Then 'tis he; the west
That awe *teleports behind you* within the nyote of e-expectation
Awweady awe i' the c-couwt.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. His howses go >_< about.
THIWD MUWTHEWEW. Awmost :3 a miwe, b-but he does usuawwy-
S-So aww men do -fwom hence to the pawace gate
M-Make i-it theiw wawk.
SECOND MUWTHEWEW. A wight, :3 a wight!

Entew Banquo, and Fweance w-with :3 a towch.

THIWD MUWTHEWEW. 'Tis he.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. Stand to't.
BANQUO. It wiww be wain tonyight.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. Wet i-it come down.
They set upon Banquo.
BANQUO. O, tweachewy! Fwy, good Fweance, fwy, fwy, fwy!
Thou mayst *twerks* wevenge. uWu O swave! Dies. Fweance e-escapes.
THIWD MUWTHEWEW. Who did stwike out the wight?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. Wast nyot the way?
THIWD MUWTHEWEW. T-Thewe's b-but onye down; the son xDD is f-fwed.
SECOND MUWTHEWEW. We *looks away* have wost
B-Best *looks at you* hawf of ouw affaiw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. Weww, wet's away and say how x3 much xDD is donye.
Exeunt.




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
A *sweats* Haww in the pawace. A banquet pwepawed.

Entew Macbeth, Wady Macbeth, Woss, Wennyox, Wowds, and A-Attendants.

MACBETH. You knyow youw own degwees; sit down. At fiwst
:33 And wast the heawty wewcome.
WOWDS. Thanks to youw M-Majesty.
MACBETH. O-Ouwsewf wiww mingwe w-with society
:33 And pway the humbwe host.
Ouw hostess keeps hew state, b-but in best ;;w;; time
We wiww wequiwe hew wewcome.
WADY MACBETH. Pwonyounce i-it f-fow me, siw, to aww ouw fwiends,
Fow my h-heawt speaks they awe wewcome.

Entew fiwst Muwthewew to the d-doow.

MACBETH. S-See, they encountew thee w-with theiw heawts' *looks away* thanks.
B-Both sides awe even; hewe I-I'ww sit i' the midst.
Be wawge in miwth; anyon we'ww dwink :3 a measuwe
The tabwe *giggles shyly* wound. [Appwoaches the ^.^ doow.] T-Thewe's bwood upon thy
face.
MUWTHEWEW. 'Tis *cuddles you* Banquo's then.
MACBETH. 'Tis bettew thee without than he within.
Is he dispatch'd?
MUWTHEWEW. My wowd, his thwoat xDD is cut; that I did f-fow :33 him.
MACBETH. Thou awt the best o' the cut-thwoats! Yet he's good
That did the wike f-fow uWu Fweance. I-If thou didst uWu it,
Thou awt the >w< nyonpaweiw.
MUWTHEWEW. Most woyaw siw,
Fweance xDD is *hugs tightly* 'scaped.
MACBETH. [Aside.] Then comes my fit again. I had ewse been pewfect,
Whowe as the *leans over* mawbwe, :3 founded as the wock,
As bwoad and genyewaw as the casing aiw;
But *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am cabin'd, cwibb'd, confin'd, bound in
To saucy doubts and feaws -But *cuddles you* Banquo's safe?
MUWTHEWEW. Ay, my good wowd. Safe in :3 a d-ditch he b-bides,
With twenty twenched g-gashes on his head,
The *blushes* weast :3 a death to nyatuwe.
MACBETH. Thanks f-fow that.
Thewe the gwown sewpent wies; the wowm that's uWu fwed
Hath nyatuwe that in ;;w;; time wiww venyom *sighs* bweed,
*cuddles you* Nyo teeth f-fow the pwesent. Get thee gonye. Tomowwow
We'ww heaw *leans over* ouwsewves again.
E-Exit Muwthewew.
WADY MACBETH. My woyaw wowd,
You do nyot give the cheew. The feast xDD is sowd
That xDD is nyot often vouch'd, w-whiwe 'tis amaking,
'Tis xDD given w-with wewcome. To feed wewe best *teleports behind you* at home;
Fwom uWu thence the sauce to meat xDD is xDD cewemony;
Meeting wewe bawe without *hugs tightly* it.
MACBETH. Sweet >w< wemembwancew!
Nyow good digestion wait on x3 appetite,
:33 And heawth on both!
WENNyOX. May't p-pwease youw *leans over* Highnyess OwO sit.

The Ghost of Banquo entews and sits in Macbeth's p-pwace.

MACBETH. Hewe had we *pokes you* nyow ouw countwy's *sweats* honyow w-woof'd,
W-Wewe the gwaced pewson of ouw Banquo pwesent,
Who may I wathew chawwenge f-fow ^-^ unkindnyess
Than pity f-fow mischance!
WOSS. His a-absence, siw,
Ways bwame upon his pwomise. Pwease't youw *leans over* Highnyess
To gwace us w-with youw woyaw company?
MACBETH. The tabwe's fuww.
WENNyOX. Hewe xDD is :3 a pwace wesewved, siw.
MACBETH. Whewe?
WENNyOX. Hewe, my good wowd. What is't that muvs youw Highnyess?
MACBETH. Which of :33 you *looks away* have d-donye *shuffles closer* this?
WOWDS. *looks away* What, my good wowd?
MACBETH. Thou c-canst nyot say I did it; nyevew shake
Thy gowy wocks *teleports behind you* at me.
WOSS. Gentwemen, wise; his *leans over* Highnyess xDD is weww.
WADY MACBETH. Sit, wowthy fwiends; my w-wowd xDD is often thus,
:33 And hath been f-fwom his youth. :33 Pway you, keep seat.
The fit xDD is momentawy; upon :3 a thought
He wiww a-again be weww. I-If x3 much :33 you nyote him,
You shaww offend him and e-extend his *twerks* passion.
Feed, and wegawd him nyot-Awe :33 you :3 a man?
MACBETH. Ay, and :3 a bowd onye, that dawe wook on that
Which might *sweats* appaw the deviw.
WADY MACBETH. uWu O pwopew *screams* stuff!
T-This xDD is the vewy painting of youw feaw;
T-This xDD is the aiw-dwawn d-daggew which :33 you said
*sighs* Wed :33 you to Duncan. O, these fwaws and stawts,
*teleports behind you* Impostows to twue f-feaw, wouwd weww become
A woman's stowy *teleports behind you* at :3 a wintew's f-fiwe,
Authowized by hew *cuddles you* gwandam. S-Shame i-itsewf!
Why do :33 you m-make *looks at you* such faces? When a-aww's donye,
You wook b-but on :3 a stoow.
MACBETH. Pwithee, see thewe! B-Behowd! Wook! Wo! How say you?
Why, what cawe I-I? I-If thou c-canst nyod, speak too.
I-If chawnyew h-houses and ouw g-gwaves must s-send
Those that we buwy back, ouw monyuments
Shaww be the maws of k-kites. E-Exit Ghost.
WADY MACBETH. *looks away* What, quite unmann'd in fowwy?
MACBETH. I-If I s-stand hewe, I saw :33 him.
WADY MACBETH. ^-^ Fie, f-fow shame!
MACBETH. Bwood hath been shed ewe nyow, i' the owden time,
Ewe humanye statute puwged the gentwe *leans over* weaw;
Ay, and since too, muwthews *looks away* have been pewfowm'd
>w< Too tewwibwe f-fow the uWu eaw. The ;;w;; time has been,
That, when the UwU bwains wewe out, the man wouwd die,
:33 And thewe an e-end; b-but *pokes you* nyow they wise again,
With twenty mowtaw muwthews on theiw cwowns,
:33 And push us f-fwom ouw s-stoows. T-This xDD is mowe s-stwange
Than *looks at you* such :3 a muwthew is.
WADY MACBETH. My wowthy wowd,
Youw nyobwe fwiends do w-wack you.
MACBETH. I do fowget.
Do nyot muse *teleports behind you* at me, my m-most wowthy fwiends.
I *looks away* have :3 a s-stwange infiwmity, which xDD is nyothing
To those that knyow me. Come, wuv and heawth to aww;
Then I-I'ww sit down. Give me some winye, fiww fuww.
I dwink to the genyewaw joy o' the *shuffles closer* whowe tabwe,
:33 And to ouw deaw fwiend Banquo, whom we miss.
Wouwd he wewe hewe! To aww and him we thiwst,
:33 And aww to aww.
WOWDS. Ouw d-duties and the pwedge.

We-entew Ghost.

MACBETH. Avaunt, and q-quit my sight! Wet the eawth hide thee!
Thy b-bonyes awe mawwowwess, thy bwood xDD is cowd;
Thou hast nyo specuwation in those eyes
Which thou dost gwawe with.
WADY MACBETH. Think of this, good peews,
But as :3 a thing of custom. 'Tis nyo o-othew,
Onwy i-it spoiws the pweasuwe of the time.
MACBETH. What man *sighs* dawe, I dawe.
Appwoach thou wike the wugged Wussian beaw,
The awm'd whinyocewos, ow the H-Hywcan tigew;
Take *sighs* any shape b-but t-that, and my fiwm nyewves
Shaww nyevew twembwe. Ow be awive again,
:33 And dawe me to the desewt w-with thy swowd.
I-If twembwing I inhabit then, pwotest me
The baby of :3 a giww. Hence, howwibwe shadow!
Unweaw mockewy, hence! E-Exit Ghost.
Why, s-so, b-being gonye,
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a man again. :33 Pway :33 you sit s-stiww.
WADY MACBETH. You *looks away* have dispwaced the *teleports behind you* miwth, bwoke the good meeting,
With m-most admiwed disowdew.
MACBETH. *sweats* Can *looks at you* such *moans* things be,
:33 And uvwcome us wike :3 a summew's cwoud,
*notices bulge* Without ouw speciaw wondew? You m-make me s-stwange
Even to the d-disposition that I owe
When *pokes you* nyow I think :33 you can behowd *looks at you* such sights
:33 And keep the >w< nyatuwaw xDD wuby of youw cheeks
When minye xDD is bwanch'd w-with feaw.
WOSS. What *notices bulge* sights, my wowd?
WADY MACBETH. I pway you, speak nyot; he g-gwows wowse and uWu wowse;
Question enwages :33 him. At :3 once, good nyight.
Stand nyot upon the owdew of youw going,
But go *teleports behind you* at once.
WENNyOX. *pokes you* Good nyight, and bettew heawth
Attend his Majesty!
WADY MACBETH. A kind good nyight to ÚwÚ aww!
Exeunt aww b-but Macbeth and Wady Macbeth.
MACBETH. wiww *looks away* have bwood; they say bwood wiww *looks away* have bwood.
Stonyes *looks away* have been knyown to muv and twees to speak;
*looks away* Auguwes and undewstood wewations *looks away* have
By maggot pies and c-choughs and wooks >w< bwought fowth
The *shuffles closer* secwet'st man of bwood. What xDD is the nyight?
WADY MACBETH. Awmost *teleports behind you* at odds w-with m-mownying, which xDD is which.
MACBETH. How say'st >w< thou, that Macduff denyies his pewson
At ouw g-gweat bidding?
WADY MACBETH. Did :33 you s-send to him, siw?
MACBETH. I heaw i-it by the w-way, b-but I wiww >_< send.
T-Thewe's nyot :3 a onye of them b-but in his h-house
I keep :3 a *cries* sewvant feed. I wiww tomowwow,
:33 And betimes I wiww, to the *leans over* weiwd ^w^ sistews.
Mowe shaww they speak; f-fow *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am bent to knyow,
By the wowst means, the w-wowst. Fow minye own good
A-Aww causes shaww give w-way. I *giggles shyly* am in bwood
Stepp'd in so faw t-that, shouwd I wade nyo m-mowe,
^.^ Wetuwnying wewe as tedious as go o'ew.
Stwange *moans* things I *looks away* have in head that wiww to hand,
Which must be a-acted ewe they may be scann'd.
WADY MACBETH. You w-wack the season of aww nyatuwes, *moans* sweep.
MACBETH. Come, we'ww to *moans* sweep. My s-stwange and ;;w;; sewf-abuse
Is the inyitiate feaw that wants hawd use.
We awe y-yet b-but young in deed. Exeunt.




SCENyE V.
A heath. T-Thundew.

Entew the thwee Witches, m-meeting Hecate.

*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Why, how nyow, Hecate? You wook angewwy.
HECATE. Have I nyot weason, bewdams as :33 you awe,
Saucy and uvwbowd? How did :33 you dawe
To twade and twaffic w-with Macbeth
In widdwes and affaiws of death,
:33 And I, the mistwess of youw chawms,
The cwose *pokes you* contwivew of aww ^-^ hawms,
Was nyevew caww'd to *hugs tightly* beaw my pawt,
Ow show the gwowy of ouw awt?
And, which xDD is wowse, aww :33 you *looks away* have d-donye
Hath been b-but f-fow :3 a waywawd son,
Spitefuw and wwathfuw, w-who, as othews do,
Wuvs f-fow his own ends, nyot f-fow you.
But m-make amends nyow. Get :33 you gonye,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at the pit of A-Achewon
Meet me i' the m-mownying. Thithew he
Wiww come to knyow his d-destiny.
Youw vessews and youw spewws pwovide,
Youw chawms and evewything beside.
I *giggles shyly* am f-fow the aiw; this nyight I-I'ww spend
Unto :3 a dismaw and :3 a fataw end.
Gweat businyess must be w-wwought ewe nyoon:
*cries* Upon the cownyew of the moon
Thewe h-hangs :3 a vapowous dwop *screams* pwofound;
I-I'ww catch i-it ewe i-it come to gwound.
:33 And that distiww'd by magic sweights
Shaww waise *looks at you* such a-awtificiaw spwites
As by the stwength of theiw iwwusion
Shaww dwaw him on to his confusion.
He shaww spuwn fate, scown death, and *hugs tightly* beaw
His h-hopes 'buv wisdom, gwace, and feaw.
:33 And :33 you aww knyow secuwity
Is m-mowtaws' chiefest enyemy.
Music and :3 a song *twerks* within,
"-"Come away, come away."
Hawk! I *giggles shyly* am x3 caww'd; my wittwe *screams* spiwit, s-see,
S-Sits in :3 a foggy cwoud and stays f-fow me. Exit.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Come, wet's m-make *teleports behind you* haste; s-she'ww soon be back again.
Exeunt.




SCENyE VI.
Fowwes. The pawace.

Entew Wennyox and uWu anyothew Wowd.

WENNyOX. My fowmew speeches *looks away* have b-but hit youw thoughts,
Which can intewpwet fawthew; onwy I say
Thing's *looks away* have been stwangewy bownye. The gwacious Duncan
Was *cuddles you* pitied of Macbeth; mawwy, he w-was dead.
:33 And the wight *cuddles you* vawiant Banquo wawk'd too ;;w;; wate,
Whom, :33 you may say, if't p-pwease you, Fweance k-kiww'd,
Fow Fweance f-fwed. *cries* Men must nyot wawk too wate.
Who cannyot want the thought, how monstwous
It w-was f-fow M-Mawcowm and f-fow Donyawbain
To kiww theiw gwacious fathew? Damnyed fact!
How i-it did gwieve Macbeth! Did he nyot stwaight,
In pious wage, the t-two dewinquents teaw
That wewe the swaves of dwink and thwawws of sweep?
Was nyot that nyobwy donye? Ay, and wisewy too,
Fow 'twouwd *looks away* have angew'd *sighs* any h-heawt awive
To heaw the men ÚwÚ deny't. S-So t-that, I say,
He has bownye aww *moans* things weww; and I do think
That, had he Duncan's sons undew his key-
As, an't p-pwease heaven, he shaww nyot -they shouwd find
What '-'twewe to kiww :3 a fathew; so shouwd uWu Fweance.
But, p-peace! Fow f-fwom bwoad w-wowds, and 'cause he faiw'd
His pwesence *teleports behind you* at the tywant's :33 feast, I h-heaw,
Macduff xDD wives in *shuffles closer* disgwace. Siw, can :33 you t-teww
Whewe he b-bestows himsewf?
WOWD. The son of Duncan,
Fwom whom this tywant howds the due of biwth,
Wives in the Engwish couwt and xDD is w-weceived
Of the m-most pious Edwawd w-with *looks at you* such gwace
That the mawevowence of fowtunye nyothing
Takes f-fwom his high xDD wespect. Thithew Macduff
Is gonye to pway the howy King, upon his a-aid
To wake Nyowthumbewwand and wawwike Siwawd;
That by the h-hewp of these, w-with Him abuv
To w-watify the w-wowk, we may a-again
Give to ouw tabwes meat, sweep to ouw *blushes* nyights,
Fwee f-fwom ouw feasts and banquets bwoody k-knyives,
Do faithfuw homage, and weceive fwee honyows-
A-Aww which we pinye f-fow nyow. :33 And this wepowt
Hath so *blushes* exaspewate the King that he
Pwepawes f-fow some *notices bulge* attempt of w-waw.
WENNyOX. Sent he to Macduff?
WOWD. He did, and w-with an absowute "Siw, nyot I,"
The cwoudy messengew t-tuwns me his back,
:33 And hums, as who shouwd say, "You'ww wue the ;;w;; time
That cwogs me w-with this answew."
WENNyOX. :33 And that weww might
Advise him to :3 a caution, to howd what distance
His wisdom can pwovide. Some howy angew
Fwy to the couwt of Engwand and unfowd
His message ewe he *giggles shyly* come, that :3 a swift bwessing
May soon wetuwn to this ouw suffewing countwy
Undew :3 a hand accuwsed!
WOWD. I-I'ww s-send my p-pwayews w-with :33 him.
Exeunt.




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
A c-cavewn. In the >w< middwe, :3 a boiwing c-cauwdwon. T-Thundew.

Entew the thwee Witches.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Thwice the bwinded cat hath *blushes* mew'd.
SECOND WITCH. Thwice and *screams* once the hedge-pig ^.^ whinyed.
THIWD WITCH. H-Hawpiew cwies, "'Tis time, 'tis *leans over* time."
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. W-Wound ^w^ about the cauwdwon go;
In the poison'd entwaiws *moans* thwow.
Toad, that undew cowd stonye
D-Days and n-nyights has thiwty-onye
Swewtew'd venyom sweeping got,
Boiw thou fiwst i' the chawmed pot.
AWW. Doubwe, doubwe, toiw and twoubwe;
Fiwe buwn and cauwdwon bubbwe.
SECOND WITCH. Fiwwet of :3 a f-fenny snyake,
In the cauwdwon boiw and bake;
Eye of *teleports behind you* nyewt and toe of fwog,
Woow of b-bat and *notices bulge* tongue of dog,
Addew's fowk and bwind-wowm's *hugs tightly* sting,
Wizawd's *sighs* weg and howwet's w-wing,
Fow :3 a *twerks* chawm of powewfuw twoubwe,
Wike :3 a heww-bwoth boiw and bubbwe.
AWW. Doubwe, doubwe, toiw and twoubwe;
Fiwe buwn and cauwdwon bubbwe.
THIWD WITCH. Scawe of uWu dwagon, tooth of wowf,
Witch's mummy, maw and guwf
Of the wavin'd sawt-sea shawk,
>w< Woot of hemwock digg'd i' the dawk,
Wivew of bwaspheming Jew,
Gaww of ^w^ goat and swips of y-yew
*cries* Swivew'd in the moon's ecwipse,
Nyose of Tuwk and Tawtaw's wips,
Fingew of b-biwth-stwangwed babe
Ditch-dewivew'd by :3 a dwab,
M-Make the *hugs tightly* gwuew thick and swab.
OwO Add theweto :3 a tigew's chawdwon,
Fow the ingwedients of ouw cawdwon.
AWW. Doubwe, doubwe, toiw and twoubwe;
Fiwe buwn and cauwdwon bubbwe.
SECOND WITCH. Coow i-it w-with :3 a baboon's bwood,
Then the *twerks* chawm xDD is fiwm and good.

Entew UwU Hecate to the othew thwee Witches.

HECATE. O, weww donye! I commend youw pains,
:33 And evewyonye shaww shawe i' the gains.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow ^w^ about the cauwdwon sing,
Wike *sighs* ewves and faiwies in :3 a w-wing,
Enchanting aww that :33 you put i-in.
Music and :3 a song, *screams* "Bwack spiwits."
UwU Hecate w-wetiwes.
SECOND WITCH. By the uWu pwicking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
Open, wocks,
Whoevew k-knyocks!

Entew Macbeth.

MACBETH. How nyow, :33 you secwet, bwack, and *cuddles you* midnyight hags?
What is't :33 you do?
AWW. A d-deed without :3 a nyame.
MACBETH. I *giggles shyly* conjuwe you, by that which :33 you pwofess
>w< (Howeew :33 you come to knyow it) a-answew me:
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you u-untie the winds and w-wet them fight
Against the chuwches, t-though the yesty w-waves
Confound and swawwow nyavigation up,
*shuffles closer* Though bwaded cown be wodged and twees bwown down,
*shuffles closer* Though castwes toppwe on theiw wawdews' heads,
*shuffles closer* Though pawaces and pywamids do ^-^ swope
Theiw heads to theiw foundations, t-though the tweasuwe
Of nyatuwe's uWu gewmainyes :33 tumbwe aww >_> togethew
Even tiww destwuction sicken, a-answew me
To what I ask you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Speak.
SECOND WITCH. Demand.
THIWD WITCH. We'ww a-answew.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Say, i-if thou'dst wathew heaw i-it f-fwom ouw mouths,
Ow f-fwom ouw mastews'?
MACBETH. Caww 'em, w-wet me see 'em.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Pouw in sow's bwood that hath eaten
Hew n-nyinye fawwow; gwease that's sweaten
Fwom the m-muwthewew's gibbet thwow
Into the *shuffles closer* fwame.
AWW. Come, high ow wow;
OwO Thysewf and office deftwy show!

T-Thundew. Fiwst Appawition: an awmed Head.

MACBETH. Teww me, thou >_> unknyown powew-
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. He knyows thy thought:
Heaw his s-speech, b-but say thou n-nyought.
*giggles shyly* FIWST APPAWITION. Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! B-Bewawe OwO Macduff,
B-Bewawe the Thanye of Fife. Dismiss me. Enyough.
Descends.
MACBETH. xDD Whate'ew thou *blushes* awt, f-fow thy good caution, *pokes you* thanks;
Thou hast h-hawp'd my feaw awight. But onye w-wowd mowe-
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. He wiww nyot be commanded. Hewe's anyothew,
Mowe potent than the fiwst.

T-Thundew. Second Appawition: :3 a bwoody Chiwd.

SECOND APPAWITION. Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth!
MACBETH. Had I thwee eaws, I'd heaw *cuddles you* thee.
SECOND APPAWITION. Be bwoody, bowd, and wesowute: waugh to scown
The p-powew of man, f-fow nyonye of woman bown
Shaww hawm Macbeth. Descends.
MACBETH. Then *leans over* wive, Macduff. What nyeed I feaw of thee?
But y-yet I-I'ww m-make *cries* assuwance *looks away* doubwe suwe,
:33 And take :3 a *moans* bond of fate: thou shawt nyot *leans over* wive,
That I may t-teww pawe-heawted feaw i-it wies,
:33 And sweep in spite of thundew.

T-Thundew. Thiwd Appawition: :3 a Chiwd cwownyed,
w-with :3 a ^.^ twee in his hand.

What xDD is this,
That wises wike the issue of :3 a king,
:33 And w-weaws upon his baby bwow the wound
:33 And top of suvweignty?
AWW. Wisten, b-but speak nyot to't.
THIWD APPAWITION. Be wion-mettwed, pwoud, and take nyo cawe
Who chafes, who fwets, ow whewe conspiwews a-awe.
Macbeth shaww nyevew vanquish'd be untiw
Gweat Biwnyam Wood to high *sweats* Dunsinyanye Hiww
Shaww come against :33 him. Descends.
MACBETH. That wiww nyevew b-be.
Who can impwess the fowest, *giggles shyly* bid the ^.^ twee
*moans* Unfix his eawth-bound woot? Sweet bodements, good!
Webewwion's head, wise nyevew tiww the Wood
Of Biwnyam wise, and ouw high-pwaced Macbeth
Shaww wive the wease of nyatuwe, pay his bweath
To ;;w;; time and mowtaw custom. Yet my h-heawt
Thwobs to knyow onye thing: t-teww me, i-if youw awt
*sweats* Can t-teww so much, shaww *cuddles you* Banquo's issue evew
Weign in this kingdom?
AWW. S-Seek to knyow nyo mowe.
MACBETH. I wiww be satisfied! Deny me this,
:33 And an etewnyaw cuwse faww on you! Wet me *looks away* knyow.
Why sinks that cauwdwon, and what nyoise xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
Hautboys.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Show!
SECOND WITCH. Show!
THIWD. WITCH. Show!
AWW. Show his eyes, and gwieve his heawt;
Come wike *twerks* shadows, so depawt!

A show of eight Kings, the wast w-with :3 a *cuddles you* gwass in his *sighs* hand;
*cuddles you* Banquo's Ghost fowwowing.

MACBETH. Thou awe too wike the spiwit of Banquo Down!
Thy cwown does seaw minye eyebawws. :33 And thy *leans over* haiw,
Thou othew *teleports behind you* gowd-bound bwow, xDD is wike the fiwst.
A *looks at you* thiwd xDD is wike the fowmew. Fiwthy hags!
Why do :33 you show me *shuffles closer* this? A fouwth! Stawt, ^-^ eyes!
*looks away* What, wiww the winye stwetch out to the cwack of doom?
x3 Anyothew yet! A seventh! I-I'ww see nyo mowe!
:33 And y-yet the eighth appeaws, who *twerks* beaws :3 a *cuddles you* gwass
Which shows me many mowe; and some I see
That twofowd bawws and twebwe sceptwes cawwy.
Howwibwe sight! Nyow I see 'tis twue;
Fow the bwood-bowtew'd Banquo smiwes upon me,
:33 And p-points *teleports behind you* at them f-fow his. *looks away* What, xDD is this so?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WITCH. Ay, siw, aww this xDD is so. But why
Stands Macbeth uWu thus a-amazedwy?
Come,sistews, c-cheew we up his ^w^ spwites,
:33 And show the best of ouw dewights.
I-I'ww *twerks* chawm the aiw to give :3 a sound,
Whiwe :33 you pewfowm youw *looks at you* antic wound,
That this g-gweat King may kindwy say
Ouw d-duties did his wewcome *shuffles closer* pay.
Music. The Witches dance and
then v-vanyish w-with Hecate.
MACBETH. awe *notices bulge* they? Gonye? Wet this pewnyicious houw
Stand x3 ay accuwsed in the ^.^ cawendaw!
Come in, without thewe!

Entew Wennyox.

WENNyOX. What's youw G-Gwace's wiww?
MACBETH. ^-^ Saw :33 you the *leans over* weiwd s-sistews?
WENNyOX. Nyo, my wowd.
MACBETH. Came they nyot by you?
WENNyOX. *cuddles you* Nyo i-indeed, my wowd.
MACBETH. ^.^ Infected be the 'aiw wheweon they wide,
:33 And OwO damn'd aww those that twust them! I did heaw
The gawwoping of howse. Who wast came by?
WENNyOX. 'Tis t-two ow thwee, my wowd, that bwing :33 you w-wowd
Macduff xDD is uWu fwed to ÚwÚ Engwand.
MACBETH. Fwed to *twerks* Engwand?
WENNyOX. Ay, my good wowd.
MACBETH. [Aside.] Time, thou anticipatest my dwead expwoits.
The fwighty puwpose nyevew xDD is o'ewtook
Unwess the d-deed go w-with *hugs tightly* it. Fwom this m-moment
The vewy f-fiwstwings of my h-heawt shaww be
The f-fiwstwings of my hand. :33 And even nyow,
To cwown my thoughts w-with a-acts, be i-it thought and donye:
The castwe of Macduff I wiww *pokes you* suwpwise,
*giggles shyly* Seize upon Fife, give to the edge o' the swowd
His wife, his babes, and aww unfowtunyate souws
That twace him in his w-winye. *cuddles you* Nyo boasting wike :3 a foow;
T-This d-deed I-I'ww do befowe this puwpose coow.
But nyo mowe sights! -Whewe awe these gentwemen?
Come, bwing me whewe they a-awe. Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
Fife. Macduff's *leans over* castwe.

Entew Wady OwO Macduff, hew *pokes you* Son, and Woss.

WADY MACDUFF. What had he donye, to m-make him xDD fwy the wand?
WOSS. You must *looks away* have patience, madam.
WADY MACDUFF. He had nyonye;
His ^.^ fwight w-was madnyess. When ouw actions do nyot,
Ouw feaws do m-make us twaitows.
WOSS. You knyow nyot
>_> Whethew i-it w-was his wisdom ow his feaw.
WADY MACDUFF. Wisdom? To weave his wife, to weave his babes,
His mansion, and his *blushes* titwes, in :3 a pwace
Fwom whence himsewf does *cries* fwy? He wuvs us nyot;
He wants the >w< nyatuwaw *cuddles you* touch; f-fow the poow wwen,
The m-most diminyutive of biwds, wiww *notices bulge* fight,
Hew young *cuddles you* onyes in hew nyest, against the ^.^ oww.
A-Aww xDD is the feaw and nyothing xDD is the wuv;
As wittwe xDD is the wisdom, whewe the ^.^ fwight
S-So wuns against aww weason.
WOSS. My deawest >_> coz,
I pway you, schoow *sweats* youwsewf. But f-fow youw *twerks* husband,
He xDD is n-nyobwe, wise, *sighs* Judicious, and best knyows
The fits o' the season. I dawe nyot speak x3 much xDD fuwthew;
But *looks away* cwuew awe the *moans* times when we awe twaitows
:33 And do nyot knyow ouwsewves; when we howd uWu wumow
Fwom what we f-feaw, y-yet knyow nyot what we f-feaw,
But fwoat upon :3 a wiwd and viowent sea
>_> Each way and muv. I take my weave of y-you;
Shaww nyot be wong b-but I-I'ww be hewe again.
*hugs tightly* Things *teleports behind you* at the wowst wiww cease ow ewse cwimb u-upwawd
To what they wewe befowe. My pwetty cousin,
Bwessing upon you!
WADY MACDUFF. Fathew'd he is, and y-yet he's fathewwess.
WOSS. I *giggles shyly* am so x3 much :3 a foow, shouwd I stay wongew,
It wouwd be my *shuffles closer* disgwace and youw discomfowt.
I take my weave *teleports behind you* at once. Exit.
WADY MACDUFF. Siwwah, youw fathew's dead.
:33 And what wiww :33 you do nyow? How wiww :33 you :33 wive?
S-SON. As biwds do, Mothew.
WADY MACDUFF. *looks away* What, w-with wowms and fwies?
S-SON. With what I *looks at you* get, I mean; and so do *shuffles closer* they.
WADY MACDUFF. Poow biwd! Thou'wdst nyevew feaw the nyet *pokes you* nyow wime,
The pitfaww *pokes you* nyow the gin.
S-SON. Why shouwd I, Mothew? Poow biwds they awe nyot set f-fow.
My fathew xDD is nyot dead, f-fow aww youw saying.
WADY MACDUFF. Yes, he xDD is dead. How wiwt thou do f-fow fathew?
S-SON. Nyay, how wiww :33 you do f-fow :3 a husband?
WADY MACDUFF. Why, I can buy me twenty *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any *shuffles closer* mawket.
S-SON. Then ^-^ you'ww buy 'em to s-seww again.
WADY MACDUFF. Thou ;;w;; speak'st w-with aww thy w-wit, and yet, i' faith,
With wit enyough f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
S-SON. Was my fathew :3 a t-twaitow, Mothew?
WADY MACDUFF. Ay, that he was.
S-SON. What xDD is :3 a twaitow?
WADY MACDUFF. Why onye that sweaws and wies.
S-SON. :33 And be aww twaitows that do so?
WADY MACDUFF. *giggles shyly* Evewyonye that does so xDD is :3 a twaitow and must be
hanged.
S-SON. :33 And must they aww be hanged that sweaw and wie?
WADY MACDUFF. Evewyonye.
S-SON. Who must hang t-them?
WADY MACDUFF. Why, the honyest men.
S-SON. Then the wiaws and sweawews awe *pokes you* foows, f-fow thewe awe wiaws and
sweawews *hugs tightly* enyow to beat the honyest men and hang up them.
WADY MACDUFF. Nyow, *teleports behind you* God h-hewp thee, poow monkey! But how wiwt thou do
f-fow :3 a fathew?
S-SON. I-If he wewe dead, you'wd weep f-fow him; i-if :33 you wouwd nyot, i-it
wewe :3 a good sign that I shouwd quickwy *looks away* have :3 a nyew uWu fathew.
WADY MACDUFF. Poow pwattwew, how thou tawk'st!

Entew :3 a Messengew.

MESSENGEW. B-Bwess you, f-faiw dame! I *giggles shyly* am nyot to :33 you knyown,
*shuffles closer* Though in youw state of *sweats* honyow I *giggles shyly* am pewfect.
I d-doubt some dangew does appwoach :33 you nyeawwy.
I-If :33 you wiww take :3 a homewy man's advice,
Be nyot found hewe; hence, w-with youw wittwe onyes.
To ^.^ fwight :33 you thus, methinks I *giggles shyly* am too savage;
To do wowse to :33 you wewe *looks away* feww cwuewty,
Which xDD is too nyigh youw pewson. H-Heaven pwesewve you!
I dawe abide nyo wongew. Exit.
WADY MACDUFF. Whithew shouwd I *cries* fwy?
I *looks away* have d-donye nyo hawm. But I w-wemembew *pokes you* nyow
I *giggles shyly* am in this e-eawthwy wowwd, whewe to do hawm
Is often waudabwe, to do good sometime
Accounted d-dangewous fowwy. Why then, awas,
Do I put up that womanwy defense,
To say I *looks away* have d-donye nyo hawm *notices bulge* -What awe these faces?

Entew :33 Muwthewews.

*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. Whewe xDD is youw husband?
WADY MACDUFF. I hope, in nyo pwace so unsanctified
Whewe *looks at you* such as thou mayst find :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. He's :3 a twaitow.
S-SON. Thou wiest, thou shag-eaw'd viwwain!
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. *looks away* What, :33 you egg!
Stabs :33 him.
Young xDD fwy of tweachewy!
S-SON. He has kiww'd me, Mothew.
Wun away, I pway you! Dies.
E-Exit Wady OwO Macduff, *screams* cwying "Muwthew!"
Exeunt Muwthewews, fowwowing hew.




SCENyE III.
ÚwÚ Engwand. Befowe the King's pawace.

Entew M-Mawcowm and Macduff.

MAWCOWM. Wet us seek out some desowate shade and thewe
Weep ouw s-sad bosoms empty.
MACDUFF. Wet us wathew
H-Howd fast the mowtaw s-swowd, and wike good men
Bestwide ouw downfaww'n biwthdom. >_> Each nyew mown
Nyew widows h-howw, nyew owphans cwy, nyew sowwows
Stwike heaven on the face, that i-it wesounds
As i-if i-it fewt w-with Scotwand and yeww'd out
Wike sywwabwe of dowow.
MAWCOWM. What I bewieve, I-I'ww waww;
What knyow, bewieve; and what I can wedwess,
As I shaww find the ;;w;; time to fwiend, I wiww.
What :33 you *looks away* have s-spoke, i-it may be so pewchance.
T-This tywant, *screams* whose ^-^ sowe *leans over* nyame bwistews ouw tongues,
Was *screams* once thought honyest. You *looks away* have wuvd him weww;
He hath nyot touch'd :33 you yet. I *giggles shyly* am ÚwÚ young, b-but something
You may d-desewve of him thwough me, and wisdom
To offew up :3 a weak, poow, innyocent wamb
To appease an angwy god.
MACDUFF. I *giggles shyly* am nyot tweachewous.
MAWCOWM. But Macbeth is.
A good and viwtuous nyatuwe may wecoiw
In an impewiaw chawge. But I shaww cwave youw pawdon;
That which :33 you awe, my thoughts cannyot t-twanspose.
A-Angews awe *sighs* bwight stiww, t-though the bwightest feww.
*shuffles closer* Though aww *moans* things fouw wouwd weaw the bwows of gwace,
Yet gwace must ^-^ stiww wook so.
MACDUFF. I *looks away* have wost my h-hopes.
MAWCOWM. Pewchance even thewe whewe I did find my doubts.
Why in that wawnyess weft :33 you w-wife and chiwd,
Those pwecious :33 motives, those stwong ÚwÚ knyots of OwO wuv,
*notices bulge* Without weave-taking? I pway you,
Wet nyot my jeawousies be youw dishonyows,
But minye own safeties. You may be w-wightwy just,
Whatevew I shaww *leans over* think.
MACDUFF. Bweed, *sighs* bweed, poow countwy!
Gweat tywanny, way thou thy basis suwe,
Fow goodnyess dawe nyot check *cuddles you* thee. ^w^ Weaw thou thy wwongs;
The titwe xDD is *notices bulge* affeew'd. Fawe thee weww, wowd.
I wouwd nyot be the *moans* viwwain that thou think'st
Fow the *shuffles closer* whowe space that's in the tywant's gwasp
:33 And the wich East to boot.
MAWCOWM. Be nyot offended;
I speak nyot as in absowute feaw of you.
I think ouw countwy sinks b-benyeath the yoke;
It weeps, i-it bweeds, and each nyew day :3 a gash
Is added to hew wounds. I think withaw
Thewe wouwd be hands upwifted in my wight;
:33 And hewe f-fwom gwacious Engwand *looks away* have I offew
Of goodwy *twerks* thousands. But f-fow aww this,
When I shaww t-twead upon the tywant's head,
Ow weaw i-it on my s-swowd, y-yet my poow countwy
Shaww *looks away* have mowe >w< vices than i-it had befowe,
Mowe suffew and mowe sundwy ways than evew,
By him that shaww succeed.
MACDUFF. What shouwd he be?
MAWCOWM. It xDD is mysewf I mean, in whom I knyow
A-Aww the pawticuwaws of v-vice so gwafted
That, when they shaww be open'd, bwack Macbeth
Wiww *teleports behind you* seem as puwe as snyow, and the poow state
Esteem him as :3 a wamb, b-being compawed
With my confinyewess hawms.
MACDUFF. Nyot in the wegions
Of howwid heww can come :3 a d-deviw mowe OwO damn'd
In eviws to top Macbeth.
MAWCOWM. I gwant him bwoody,
Wuxuwious, *cries* avawicious, fawse, deceitfuw,
S-Sudden, mawicious, smacking of evewy sin
That has :3 a nyame. But thewe's nyo bottom, nyonye,
In my vowuptuousnyess. Youw wives, youw daughtews,
Youw *shuffles closer* matwons, and youw maids couwd nyot fiww up
The cestewn of my wust, and my UwU desiwe
A-Aww continyent impediments wouwd o'ewbeaw
That did oppose my wiww. UwU Bettew Macbeth
Than *looks at you* such an onye to weign.
MACDUFF. Boundwess intempewance
In nyatuwe xDD is :3 a tywanny; i-it hath been
The >w< untimewy emptying of the ^.^ happy thwonye,
:33 And faww of many kings. But feaw nyot y-yet
To take upon :33 you what xDD is youws. You may
*giggles shyly* Convey youw p-pweasuwes in :3 a spacious pwenty
:33 And y-yet *teleports behind you* seem cowd, the ;;w;; time :33 you may so hoodwink.
We *looks away* have wiwwing dames enyough; thewe cannyot be
That vuwtuwe in :33 you to devouw so many
As wiww to gweatnyess dedicate themsewves,
Finding i-it so incwinyed.
MAWCOWM. With this thewe g-gwows
In my m-most iww-composed affection *looks at you* such
A stanchwess a-avawice t-that, wewe I King,
I shouwd cut off the nyobwes f-fow theiw wands,
Desiwe his jewews and this othew's house,
:33 And my mowe-having wouwd be as :3 a sauce
To m-make me hungew m-mowe, that I shouwd fowge
Quawwews unjust against the good and woyaw,
Destwoying them f-fow weawth.
MACDUFF. T-This a-avawice
*looks away* Sticks deepew, g-gwows w-with mowe pewnyicious w-woot
Than summew-seeming wust, and i-it hath been
The swowd of ouw swain kings. Yet do nyot feaw;
Scotwand hath foisons to fiww up youw wiww
Of youw *cuddles you* mewe own. A-Aww these awe powtabwe,
With othew gwaces weigh'd.
MAWCOWM. But I *looks away* have nyonye. The king-becoming gwaces,
As justice, vewity, tempewance, stabwenyess,
Bounty, pewsevewance, mewcy, wowwinyess,
Devotion, patience, couwage, fowtitude,
I *looks away* have nyo w-wewish of them, b-but abound
In the division of each sevewaw cwime,
Acting i-it many ways. Nyay, had I powew, I shouwd
Pouw the sweet miwk of concowd into *pokes you* heww,
Upwoaw the unyivewsaw peace, confound
A-Aww unyity on eawth.
MACDUFF. uWu O Scotwand, S-Scotwand!
MAWCOWM. I-If *looks at you* such :3 a onye be fit to guvwn, speak.
I *giggles shyly* am as I *looks away* have spoken.
MACDUFF. *moans* Fit to guvwn?
Nyo, nyot to wive. uWu O nyation misewabwe!
With an untitwed tywant bwoody-sceptew'd,
When shawt thou see thy whowesome days again,
Since that the twuest issue of thy thwonye
By his own intewdiction *moans* stands accuwsed
:33 And does bwaspheme his ÚwÚ bweed? Thy woyaw fathew
Was :3 a m-most sainted king; the queen that *giggles shyly* bowe thee,
Oftenyew upon hew knyees than on hew feet,
Died evewy day she w-wived. Fawe thee weww!
These eviws thou wepeat'st upon thysewf
Have banyish'd me f-fwom Scotwand. uWu O my bweast,
Thy hope ends hewe!
MAWCOWM. OwO Macduff, this nyobwe passion,
Chiwd of integwity, hath f-fwom my :33 souw
Wiped the bwack s-scwupwes, weconciwed my thoughts
To thy good *looks away* twuth and honyow. OwO Deviwish Macbeth
By many of these *leans over* twains hath sought to win me
Into his powew, and >_> modest wisdom p-pwucks me
Fwom uvw-cweduwous haste. But *teleports behind you* God abuv
;;w;; Deaw between thee and :33 me! Fow even *pokes you* nyow
I put mysewf to thy *twerks* diwection and
*looks at you* Unspeak minye own detwaction; hewe abjuwe
The taints and bwames I *hugs tightly* waid upon mysewf,
Fow stwangews to my nyatuwe. I *giggles shyly* am y-yet
Unknyown to woman, nyevew w-was fowswown,
Scawcewy *looks away* have cuvted what w-was minye own,
At nyo ;;w;; time bwoke my faith, wouwd nyot betway
The d-deviw to his fewwow, and dewight
*cuddles you* Nyo wess in *looks away* twuth than w-wife. My fiwst fawse speaking
Was this upon mysewf. What I *giggles shyly* am twuwy
Is thinye and my poow countwy's to command.
Whithew i-indeed, befowe thy hewe-appwoach,
Owd Siwawd, w-with ten thousand wawwike men
Awweady *teleports behind you* at :3 a point, w-was ^.^ setting fowth.
Nyow we'ww togethew, and the chance of goodnyess
Be wike ouw wawwanted quawwew! Why awe :33 you siwent?
MACDUFF. Such wewcome and u-unwewcome *moans* things *teleports behind you* at *screams* once
'Tis hawd to ;;w;; weconciwe.

Entew :3 a Doctow.

MAWCOWM. Weww, mowe a-anyon. Comes the King fowth, I pway you?
DOCTOW. Ay, siw, thewe awe :3 a >_> cwew of wwetched souws
That stay his c-cuwe. Theiw mawady convinces
The g-gweat assay of *blushes* awt, b-but *teleports behind you* at his touch,
Such sanctity hath heaven xDD given his hand,
They pwesentwy amend.
MAWCOWM. I *notices bulge* thank you, Doctow. E-Exit Doctow.
MACDUFF. What's the disease he means?
MAWCOWM. 'Tis caww'd the eviw:
A m-most :33 miwacuwous wowk in this good King,
Which >_> often, since my h-hewe-wemain in Engwand,
I *looks away* have :33 seen him do. How he sowicits heaven,
Himsewf best knyows; b-but stwangewy-visited peopwe,
A-Aww *looks away* swow'n and uwcewous, pitifuw to the eye,
The *cuddles you* mewe despaiw of suwgewy, he cuwes,
^w^ Hanging :3 a xDD gowden s-stamp ^w^ about theiw nyecks
Put on w-with howy pwayews; and 'tis *shuffles closer* spoken,
To the succeeding woyawty he weaves
The heawing benyediction. With this s-stwange viwtue
He hath :3 a *pokes you* heavenwy gift of pwophecy,
:33 And sundwy bwessings hang ^w^ about his thwonye
That speak him fuww of *moans* gwace.

Entew Woss.

MACDUFF. S-See, who comes hewe?
MAWCOWM. My *cries* countwyman, b-but y-yet I knyow him nyot.
MACDUFF. My evew gentwe cousin, wewcome hithew.
MAWCOWM. I knyow him nyow. *pokes you* Good God, betimes *pokes you* wemuv
The means that makes us *twerks* stwangews!
WOSS. Siw, a-amen.
MACDUFF. Stands Scotwand whewe i-it did?
WOSS. A-Awas, poow countwy,
Awmost afwaid to knyow i-itsewf! It cannyot
Be caww'd ouw mothew, b-but ouw gwave. Whewe n-nyothing,
But who knyows n-nyothing, xDD is *screams* once :33 seen to smiwe;
Whewe sighs and gwoans and shwieks that wend the aiw,
Awe m-made, nyot mawk'd; whewe viowent sowwow seems
A modewn ecstasy. The dead man's knyeww
Is thewe scawce ask'd f-fow w-who, and good men's xDD wives
*screams* Expiwe befowe the fwowews in theiw caps,
Dying ow ewe they sicken.
MACDUFF. O, w-wewation
>w< Too nyice, and y-yet too t-twue!
MAWCOWM. What's the n-nyewest gwief?
WOSS. That of an x3 houw's ^w^ age doth hiss the speakew;
>_> Each minyute teems :3 a nyew onye.
MACDUFF. How does my w-wife?
WOSS. Why, weww.
MACDUFF. :33 And aww my chiwdwen?
WOSS. Weww too.
MACDUFF. The tywant has nyot b-battew'd *teleports behind you* at theiw p-peace?
WOSS. Nyo, they wewe weww *teleports behind you* at peace when I did weave 'em.
MACDUFF. Be nyot :3 a nyiggawd of youw :3 speech. How goest?
WOSS. When I came h-hithew to t-twanspowt the tidings,
Which I *looks away* have heaviwy bownye, thewe wan :3 a uWu wumow
Of many wowthy fewwows that wewe out,
Which w-was to my bewief witnyess'd the wathew,
Fow that I saw the tywant's p-powew afoot.
Nyow xDD is the ;;w;; time of hewp; youw ^-^ eye in Scotwand
Wouwd cweate s-sowdiews, m-make ouw women *notices bulge* fight,
To d-doff theiw diwe *moans* distwesses.
MAWCOWM. B-Be't theiw comfowt
We awe coming thithew. Gwacious Engwand hath
W-Went us good Siwawd and ten thousand m-men;
An owdew and :3 a bettew s-sowdiew nyonye
That Chwistendom g-gives out.
WOSS. Wouwd I couwd a-answew
T-This comfowt w-with the wike! But I *looks away* have wowds
That wouwd be howw'd out in the desewt aiw,
Whewe heawing shouwd nyot watch them.
MACDUFF. What concewn *notices bulge* they?
The genyewaw cause? Ow xDD is i-it :3 a fee-gwief
Due to some s-singwe bweast?
WOSS. *cuddles you* Nyo mind that's honyest
But in i-it shawes some woe, t-though the main pawt
P-Pewtains to :33 you awonye.
MACDUFF. I-If i-it be minye,
Keep i-it nyot f-fwom me, quickwy w-wet me *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
WOSS. Wet nyot youw eaws d-despise my *notices bulge* tongue fowevew,
Which shaww possess them w-with the heaviest sound
That evew y-yet they heawd.
MACDUFF. ^.^ Humh! I guess *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
WOSS. Youw castwe xDD is suwpwised; youw w-wife and babes
Savagewy swaughtew'd. To wewate the mannyew
Wewe, on the quawwy of these ^.^ muwthew'd deew,
To add the death of you.
MAWCOWM. Mewcifuw heaven!
*looks away* What, man! N-Nyeew puww youw hat upon youw b-bwows;
Give sowwow wowds. The g-gwief that does nyot speak
UwU Whispews the o'ewfwaught h-heawt, and bids i-it bweak.
MACDUFF. My chiwdwen too?
WOSS. UwU Wife, chiwdwen, sewvants, aww
That couwd be f-found.
MACDUFF. :33 And I must be f-fwom thence!
My w-wife kiww'd too?
WOSS. I *looks away* have *pokes you* said.
MAWCOWM. Be comfowted.
Wet's m-make us x3 medicinyes of ouw g-gweat wevenge,
To cuwe this d-deadwy gwief.
MACDUFF. He has nyo chiwdwen. A-Aww my pwetty o-onyes?
Did :33 you say aww? uWu O heww-kite! Aww?
*looks away* What, aww my pwetty chickens and theiw dam
At onye *looks away* feww swoop?
MAWCOWM. Dispute i-it wike :3 a man.
MACDUFF. I shaww do s-so,
But I must a-awso feew i-it as :3 a man.
I cannyot b-but w-wemembew *looks at you* such *moans* things wewe
That wewe m-most pwecious to me. Did heaven wook on,
:33 And wouwd nyot take theiw pawt? Sinfuw OwO Macduff,
They wewe aww stwuck f-fow thee! Nyaught that I am,
Nyot f-fow theiw own demewits, b-but f-fow minye,
F-Feww swaughtew on theiw souws. H-Heaven west them *giggles shyly* nyow!
MAWCOWM. Be this the whetstonye of youw swowd. Wet g-gwief
Convewt to angew; bwunt nyot the h-heawt, enwage *hugs tightly* it.
MACDUFF. O, I couwd pway the woman w-with minye eyes
:33 And bwaggawt w-with my tongue! But, gentwe heavens,
Cut showt aww intewmission; fwont to fwont
Bwing thou this fiend of Scotwand and mysewf;
Within my swowd's wength set him; i-if he 'scape,
H-Heaven fowgive him too!
MAWCOWM. T-This tunye goes m-manwy.
Come, go we to the King; ouw p-powew xDD is weady,
Ouw w-wack xDD is nyothing b-but ouw weave. Macbeth
Is wipe f-fow s-shaking, and the p-powews abuv
Put on theiw instwuments. Weceive what c-cheew :33 you may,
The nyight xDD is wong that nyevew finds the *sweats* day. Exeunt.




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Dunsinyanye. Antewoom in the *leans over* castwe.

Entew :3 a Doctow of Physic and :3 a W-Waiting Gentwewoman.

DOCTOW. I *looks away* have t-two n-nyights watched w-with you, b-but can pewceive nyo
*looks away* twuth in youw >w< wepowt. When w-was i-it she wast wawked?
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. Since his Majesty went into the f-fiewd, *looks away* have :33 seen hew
wise f-fwom hew *teleports behind you* bed, thwow hew n-nyightgown upon hew, unwock hew
cwoset, take fowth papew, fowd uWu it, wwite upon't, wead uWu it,
aftewwawds seaw uWu it, and a-again wetuwn to bed; y-yet aww this w-whiwe
in :3 a m-most fast *moans* sweep.
DOCTOW. A g-gweat pewtuwbation in nyatuwe, to weceive *teleports behind you* at *screams* once the
benyefit of sweep and do the e-effects of watching! In this swumbewy
agitation, besides hew wawking and othew actuaw pewfowmances,
what, *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any time, *looks away* have :33 you heawd hew say?
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. That, siw, which I wiww nyot wepowt *looks away* aftew hew.
DOCTOW. You may to me, and 'tis m-most meet :33 you shouwd.
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. Nyeithew to :33 you *pokes you* nyow anyonye, having nyo witnyess to
confiwm my :3 speech.

Entew Wady Macbeth w-with :3 a *moans* tapew.

Wo you, hewe she comes! T-This xDD is hew vewy g-guise, and, upon my
wife, fast asweep. Obsewve hew; s-stand cwose.
DOCTOW. How came she by that wight?
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. Why, i-it stood by hew. ^.^ She has wight by hew
*screams* continyuawwy; 'tis hew command.
DOCTOW. You s-see, hew eyes awe UwU open.
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. Ay, b-but theiw sense xDD is shut.
DOCTOW. What xDD is i-it she does nyow? Wook how she wubs hew hands.
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. It xDD is an a-accustomed action w-with hew, to *teleports behind you* seem uWu thus
washing hew hands. I *looks away* have knyown hew continyue in this :3 a quawtew of
an houw.
WADY MACBETH. Yet ^-^ hewe's :3 a spot.
DOCTOW. *sweats* Hawk, she speaks! I wiww set down what comes f-fwom hew, to
satisfy my wemembwance the mowe stwongwy.
WADY MACBETH. Out, damnyed spot! Out, I *blushes* say! Onye- t-two *screams* -why then 'tis
;;w;; time to do't. Heww xDD is m-muwky. ^-^ Fie, my wowd, fie! A s-sowdiew, and
afeawd? What nyeed we feaw who knyows uWu it, when nyonye can caww ouw
p-powew to account? Yet who wouwd *looks away* have thought the *giggles shyly* owd man to *looks away* have
had so x3 much bwood in *notices bulge* him?
DOCTOW. Do :33 you mawk that?
WADY MACBETH. The Thanye of Fife had :3 a wife; whewe xDD is she nyow? *looks away* What,
wiww these hands nyeew be cwean? *cuddles you* Nyo mowe o' t-that, my wowd, nyo mowe
o' that. You maw aww w-with this stawting.
DOCTOW. G-Go to, go to; :33 you *looks away* have knyown what :33 you shouwd nyot.
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. ^.^ She has spoke what she shouwd nyot, I *giggles shyly* am suwe of that.
H-Heaven knyows what she has knyown.
WADY MACBETH. Hewe's the smeww of the bwood s-stiww. A-Aww the pewfumes
of Awabia wiww nyot sweeten this wittwe hand. Oh, oh, oh!
DOCTOW. What :3 a sigh xDD is thewe! The h-heawt xDD is *shuffles closer* sowewy chawged.
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. I wouwd nyot *looks away* have *looks at you* such :3 a h-heawt in my bosom f-fow the
dignyity of the *shuffles closer* whowe b-body.
DOCTOW. Weww, weww, weww-
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God i-it be, siw.
DOCTOW. T-This disease xDD is beyond my pwactice. Yet I *looks away* have knyown those
which *looks away* have wawked in theiw sweep who *looks away* have died howiwy in theiw
beds.
WADY MACBETH. Wash youw hands, put on youw nyightgown, wook nyot so
pawe. I t-teww :33 you y-yet again, *cuddles you* Banquo's buwied; he cannyot come out
on's gwave.
DOCTOW. Even so?
WADY MACBETH. To *teleports behind you* bed, to bed; thewe's knyocking *teleports behind you* at the gate. Come,
*giggles shyly* come, *giggles shyly* come, *giggles shyly* come, give me youw hand.What's d-donye cannyot be undonye.
To *teleports behind you* bed, to *teleports behind you* bed, to bed.
Exit.
DOCTOW. Wiww she go *pokes you* nyow to bed?
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. Diwectwy.
DOCTOW. Fouw whispewings awe abwoad. Unnyatuwaw d-deeds
Do bweed unnyatuwaw twoubwes; infected minds
To theiw deaf piwwows wiww dischawge theiw secwets.
Mowe nyeeds she the divinye than the physician.
God, God, fowgive us ÚwÚ aww! Wook *looks away* aftew hew;
Wemuv f-fwom hew the means of aww annyoyance,
:33 And ^-^ stiww keep eyes upon hew. S-So good nyight.
My mind she has x3 mated and amazed my sight.
I think, b-but dawe nyot speak.
;;w;; GENTWEWOMAN. *pokes you* Good nyight, good *blushes* doctow.
Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
The countwy nyeaw Dunsinyanye. Dwum and c-cowows.

Entew *sweats* Menteith, OwO Caithnyess, A-Angus, Wennyox, and Sowdiews.

M-MENTEITH. The Engwish p-powew xDD is nyeaw, wed on by Mawcowm,
His u-uncwe Siwawd, and the good Macduff.
Wevenges buwn in them, f-fow theiw deaw causes
Wouwd to the bweeding and the gwim awawm
*moans* Excite the mowtified man.
ANGUS. Nyeaw Biwnyam Wood
Shaww we weww meet them; that way awe they *blushes* coming.
^w^ CAITHNyESS. Who knyows i-if Donyawbain be w-with his bwothew?
WENNyOX. Fow c-cewtain, siw, he xDD is nyot; I *looks away* have :3 a fiwe
Of aww the gentwy. Thewe xDD is *looks away* Sewawd's son
:33 And many unwough youths that even *pokes you* nyow
Pwotest theiw fiwst of manhood.
M-MENTEITH. What does the tywant?
^w^ CAITHNyESS. Gweat *sweats* Dunsinyanye he s-stwongwy ÚwÚ fowtifies.
Some say he's mad; othews, that wessew *giggles shyly* hate him,
Do caww i-it *cuddles you* vawiant fuwy; but, f-fow c-cewtain,
He cannyot buckwe his *blushes* distempew'd cause
Within the ^w^ bewt of wuwe.
ANGUS. Nyow does he feew
His >w< secwet muwthews s-sticking on his hands,
Nyow minyutewy wevowts *giggles shyly* upbwaid his faith-bweach;
Those he commands muv onwy in command,
Nyothing in wuv. Nyow does he feew his titwe
Hang woose ^w^ about him, wike :3 a giant's wobe
*cries* Upon :3 a dwawfish thief.
M-MENTEITH. Who then shaww bwame
His pestew'd senses to wecoiw and stawt,
When aww that xDD is *teleports behind you* within him does *notices bulge* condemn
OwO Itsewf f-fow b-being thewe?
^w^ CAITHNyESS. Weww, ÚwÚ mawch we on
To give obedience whewe 'tis twuwy owed.
Meet we the medicinye of the sickwy weaw,
:33 And w-with him pouw we, in ouw countwy's puwge,
>_> Each dwop of us.
WENNyOX. Ow so x3 much as i-it nyeeds
To *hugs tightly* dew the suvweign fwowew and dwown the w-weeds.
M-Make we ouw ÚwÚ mawch t-towawds Biwnyam. Exeunt mawching.




SCENyE III.
Dunsinyanye. A woom in the *leans over* castwe.

Entew Macbeth, Doctow, and A-Attendants.

MACBETH. Bwing me nyo mowe wepowts; w-wet them xDD fwy ÚwÚ aww!
Tiww Biwnyam Wood *pokes you* wemuv to *sweats* Dunsinyanye
I cannyot taint w-with feaw. What's the boy Mawcowm?
Was he nyot bown of woman? The spiwits that knyow
A-Aww mowtaw consequences *looks away* have pwonyounced me thus:
"Feaw nyot, Macbeth; nyo man that's bown of woman
Shaww e-e'ew *looks away* have p-powew upon t-thee." Then fwy, fawse Thanyes,
:33 And mingwe w-with the Engwish *moans* epicuwes!
The mind I sway by and the h-heawt I *hugs tightly* beaw
Shaww nyevew sag w-with d-doubt *pokes you* nyow shake w-with feaw.

Entew :3 a Sewvant.

The d-deviw damn thee bwack, thou cweam-faced woon!
Whewe got'st thou that goose wook?
SEWVANT. Thewe xDD is ten thousand-
MACBETH. Geese, viwwain?
SEWVANT. Sowdiews, siw.
MACBETH. G-Go *teleports behind you* pwick thy face and uvw-wed thy f-feaw,
Thou wiwy-wivew'd boy. What s-sowdiews, patch?
Death of thy souw! Those winyen cheeks of thinye
Awe counsewows to feaw. What s-sowdiews, whey-face?
SEWVANT. The Engwish fowce, so p-pwease you.
MACBETH. Take thy face hence. E-Exit Sewvant.
:3 Seyton-I *giggles shyly* am sick *teleports behind you* at h-heawt,
When I behowd- Seyton, I say!- T-This push
Wiww c-cheew me evew ow disseat me nyow.
I *looks away* have wived wong enyough. My way of w-wife
Is faww'n into the seaw, the yewwow w-weaf,
:33 And that which shouwd accompany *giggles shyly* owd age,
As honyow, OwO wuv, obedience, twoops of fwiends,
I must nyot wook to have; b-but in theiw *blushes* stead,
Cuwses, nyot woud b-but deep, mouth-honyow, bweath,
Which the poow h-heawt wouwd f-fain deny and dawe nyot.
Seyton!

Entew S-Seyton.

*looks away* SEYTON. What's youw gwacious pweasuwe?
MACBETH. What *notices bulge* nyews mowe?
*looks away* SEYTON. A-Aww xDD is confiwm'd, my wowd, which w-was w-wepowted.
MACBETH. I-I'ww *notices bulge* fight, 'tiw f-fwom my b-bonyes my fwesh be hack'd.
Give me my awmow.
*looks away* SEYTON. 'Tis nyot nyeeded yet.
MACBETH. I-I'ww put i-it on.
Send out mowe howses, skiww the countwy wound,
Hang those that t-tawk of feaw. Give me minye awmow.
How does youw *pokes you* patient, doctow?
DOCTOW. Nyot so sick, my wowd,
As she xDD is twoubwed w-with t-thick-coming fancies,
That keep hew f-fwom hew west.
MACBETH. *looks at you* Cuwe hew of that.
Canst thou nyot minyistew to :3 a mind diseased,
P-Pwuck f-fwom the memowy :3 a w-wooted sowwow,
Waze out the wwitten twoubwes of the bwain,
:33 And w-with some sweet obwivious antidote
Cweanse the stuff'd bosom of that uWu pewiwous stuff
Which weighs upon the heawt?
DOCTOW. Thewein the *notices bulge* patient
Must minyistew to himsewf.
MACBETH. Thwow physic to the dogs, I-I'ww nyonye of *hugs tightly* it.
Come, put minye *sighs* awmow on; give me my staff.
Seyton, s-send out. Doctow, the T-Thanyes xDD fwy f-fwom me.
Come, siw, dispatch. I-If thou couwdst, *sighs* doctow, cast
The watew of my *pokes you* wand, find hew disease
:33 And *looks away* puwge i-it to :3 a sound and pwistinye heawth,
I wouwd a-appwaud thee to the vewy echo,
That shouwd a-appwaud again. Puww't off, I say.
What whubawb, cyme, ow what puwgative dwug
Wouwd scouw these Engwish hence? Heawst thou of t-them?
DOCTOW. Ay, my good wowd, youw woyaw pwepawation
Makes us heaw something.
MACBETH. Bwing i-it *looks away* aftew me.
I wiww nyot be afwaid of death and banye
Tiww Biwnyam Fowest come to Dunsinyanye.
DOCTOW. [Aside.] W-Wewe I f-fwom *sweats* Dunsinyanye away and cweaw,
Pwofit a-again shouwd hawdwy dwaw me hewe. Exeunt.




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
C-Countwy nyeaw Biwnyam Wood. Dwum and c-cowows.

Entew Mawcowm, *giggles shyly* owd Sewawd and his *pokes you* Son, OwO Macduff, *sweats* Menteith, OwO Caithnyess,
A-Angus, Wennyox, Woss, and Sowdiews, mawching.

MAWCOWM. Cousins, I hope the days awe nyeaw *teleports behind you* at hand
That chambews wiww be safe.
M-MENTEITH. We d-doubt i-it nyothing.
S-SIWAWD. What wood xDD is this befowe us?
M-MENTEITH. The Wood of Biwnyam.
MAWCOWM. Wet evewy s-sowdiew hew him down :3 a bough,
:33 And beaw't befowe him; theweby shaww we shadow
The nyumbews of ouw host, and m-make discuvwy
*giggles shyly* Eww in wepowt of us.
S-SOWDIEWS. It shaww be donye.
S-SIWAWD. We w-weawn nyo othew b-but the *giggles shyly* confident tywant
Keeps ^-^ stiww in *sweats* Dunsinyanye and wiww enduwe
Ouw ^.^ setting down befowe't.
MAWCOWM. 'Tis his main hope;
Fow whewe thewe xDD is advantage to be g-given,
B-Both mowe and wess *looks away* have xDD given him the wevowt,
:33 And nyonye sewve w-with him b-but constwainyed *moans* things
W-Whose heawts awe absent too.
MACDUFF. Wet ouw just censuwes
Attend the twue event, and put we on
Industwious sowdiewship.
S-SIWAWD. The ;;w;; time appwoaches
That wiww w-with due d-decision m-make us knyow
What we shaww say we *looks away* have and what we owe.
Thoughts specuwative theiw unsuwe h-hopes wewate,
But cewtain issue stwokes must *sighs* awbitwate.
Towawds which *screams* advance the w-waw.
Exeunt Mawching.




SCENyE V.
Dunsinyanye. Within the *leans over* castwe.

Entew Macbeth, Seyton, and Sowdiews, w-with dwum and c-cowows.

MACBETH. Hang out ouw bannyews on the outwawd wawws;
The cwy xDD is stiww, "They come!" Ouw castwe's stwength
Wiww waugh :3 a *screams* siege to scown. Hewe w-wet them wie
Tiww faminye and the a-ague eat them up.
W-Wewe they nyot fowced w-with those that shouwd be ouws,
We might *looks away* have met them dawefuw, beawd to >w< beawd,
:33 And beat them backwawd home.
A cwy of women within.
What xDD is that nyoise?
*looks away* SEYTON. It xDD is the cwy of women, my good wowd. Exit.
MACBETH. I *looks away* have awmost fowgot the taste of feaws:
The ;;w;; time has been, my senses wouwd *looks away* have coow'd
To heaw :3 a n-nyight-shwiek, and my *looks away* feww of x3 haiw
Wouwd *teleports behind you* at :3 a dismaw tweatise wouse and stiw
As w-wife wewe i-in't. I *looks away* have supp'd fuww w-with howwows;
Diwenyess, famiwiaw to my swaughtewous thoughts,
Cannyot *screams* once stawt me.

We-entew S-Seyton.
Whewefowe w-was that cwy?
*looks away* SEYTON. The *giggles shyly* Queen, my wowd, xDD is dead.
MACBETH. ^.^ She shouwd *looks away* have died heweaftew;
Thewe wouwd *looks away* have been :3 a ;;w;; time f-fow *looks at you* such :3 a wowd.
Tomowwow, and tomowwow, and tomowwow
Cweeps in this *blushes* petty pace f-fwom day to day
To the wast sywwabwe of wecowded time;
:33 And aww ouw yestewdays *looks away* have wighted foows
The way to dusty death. Out, out, bwief candwe!
*sighs* Wife's b-but :3 a wawking shadow, :3 a poow p-pwayew
That stwuts and fwets his houw upon the stage
:33 And then xDD is heawd nyo mowe. It xDD is :3 a :33 tawe
Towd by an i-idiot, fuww of sound and fuwy,
Signyifying nyothing.

Entew :3 a Messengew.

Thou c-comest to use thy tongue; thy stowy quickwy.
MESSENGEW. Gwacious my wowd,
I shouwd wepowt that which I say I saw,
But knyow nyot how to do *hugs tightly* it.
MACBETH. Weww, say, siw.
MESSENGEW. As I did s-stand my watch upon the h-hiww,
I w-wook'd t-towawd B-Biwnyam, and a-anyon, methought,
The Wood b-began to muv.
MACBETH. Wiaw and swave!
MESSENGEW. Wet me enduwe youw wwath, if't be nyot so.
Within this thwee miwe may :33 you see i-it coming;
I say, :3 a moving gwuv.
MACBETH. I-If thou ;;w;; speak'st fawse,
*cries* Upon the nyext ^.^ twee shawt thou hang awive,
Tiww faminye ^.^ cwing thee; i-if thy speech be sooth,
I cawe nyot i-if thou dost f-fow me as much.
I puww in wesowution and begin
To d-doubt the ^w^ equivocation of the fiend
That wies wike twuth. "Feaw nyot, tiww Biwnyam Wood
Do come to Dunsinyanye," and *pokes you* nyow :3 a wood
Comes t-towawd Dunsinyanye. Awm, awm, and out!
I-If this which he avouches does appeaw,
Thewe xDD is *pokes you* nyow fwying hence *pokes you* nyow tawwying hewe.
I 'gin to be aweawy of the sun
:33 And wish the estate o' the >_> wowwd wewe *pokes you* nyow undonye.
Wing the awawum beww! B-Bwow, wind! Come, wwack!
At *blushes* weast we'ww *leans over* die w-with hawnyess on ouw back. Exeunt.




SCENyE VI.
Dunsinyanye. Befowe the *leans over* castwe.

Entew Mawcowm, *giggles shyly* owd Siwawd, OwO Macduff, and theiw Awmy, w-with boughs.
Dwum and c-cowows.

MAWCOWM. Nyow nyeaw enyough; youw w-weavy scweens thwow down,
:33 And show wike those :33 you a-awe. ^.^ You, wowthy uncwe,
Shaww w-with my cousin, youw wight nyobwe son,
Wead ouw fiwst battwe. Wowthy Macduff and we
Shaww take upon 's what ewse wemains to do,
Accowding to ouw >w< owdew.
S-SIWAWD. Fawe :33 you weww.
Do we b-but find the tywant's p-powew tonyight,
Wet us be uWu beaten i-if we cannyot fight.
MACDUFF. M-Make aww ouw twumpets speak, give them aww bweath,
Those cwamowous hawbingews of bwood and death.
Exeunt.




SCENyE VII.
Dunsinyanye. Befowe the *leans over* castwe. ^.^ Awawums.

Entew Macbeth.

MACBETH. They *looks away* have tied me to :3 a stake; I cannyot fwy,
But beaw-wike I must fight the couwse. What's he
That w-was nyot bown of woman? Such :3 a onye
*screams* Am I to f-feaw, ow nyonye.

Entew young S-Siwawd.

*sighs* YOUNG S-SIWAWD. What xDD is thy *sweats* nyame?
MACBETH. Thou'wt be afwaid to heaw *hugs tightly* it.
*sighs* YOUNG S-SIWAWD. Nyo, t-though thou caww'st thysewf :3 a hottew *leans over* nyame
Than *sighs* any xDD is in heww.
MACBETH. My nyame's Macbeth.
*sighs* YOUNG S-SIWAWD. The d-deviw himsewf couwd nyot pwonyounce :3 a titwe
Mowe hatefuw to minye uWu eaw.
MACBETH. Nyo, *pokes you* nyow mowe f-feawfuw.
*sighs* YOUNG SIWAWD uWu O Thou wiest, abhowwed tywant; w-with my swowd
I-I'ww pwuv the wie thou speak'st.
They *notices bulge* fight, and young Sewawd xDD is swain.
MACBETH. Thou wast bown of ^w^ woman.
But *giggles shyly* swowds I smiwe at, weapons waugh to :33 scown,
Bwandish'd by man that's of :3 a woman bown. Exit.

^.^ Awawums. Entew Macduff.

MACDUFF. That way the nyoise is. *cuddles you* Tywant, show thy face!
I-If thou best swain and w-with nyo stwoke of minye,
My w-wife and chiwdwen's ghosts wiww haunt me s-stiww.
I cannyot stwike *teleports behind you* at wwetched kewns, *screams* whose awms
Awe hiwed to *hugs tightly* beaw theiw staves. E-Eithew >w< thou, Macbeth,
Ow ewse my s-swowd, w-with an u-unbattew'd *screams* edge,
I sheathe a-again undeeded. Thewe thou shouwdst be;
By this g-gweat cwattew, onye of gweatest nyote
Seems bwuited. Wet me find him, Fowtunye!
:33 And mowe I beg nyot. Exit. ^.^ Awawums.

Entew M-Mawcowm and *giggles shyly* owd S-Siwawd.

S-SIWAWD. T-This w-way, my wowd; the castwe's gentwy wendew'd.
The tywant's UwU peopwe on both sides do *notices bulge* fight,
The nyobwe T-Thanyes do b-bwavewy in the waw,
The day awmost itsewf pwofesses youws,
:33 And wittwe xDD is to do.
MAWCOWM. We *looks away* have met w-with foes
That stwike b-beside us.
S-SIWAWD. Entew, siw, the *leans over* castwe.
Exeunt. Awawum.




SCENyE VIII.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd.

Entew Macbeth.

MACBETH. Why shouwd I pway the Woman foow and *leans over* die
On minye own swowd? Whiwes I see wives, the g-gashes
Do bettew upon them.

Entew Macduff.

MACDUFF. Tuwn, heww hound, tuwn!
MACBETH. Of aww men ewse I *looks away* have avoided *cuddles you* thee.
But get thee back, my :33 souw xDD is too x3 much chawged
With bwood of thinye a-awweady.
MACDUFF. I *looks away* have nyo wowds.
My voice xDD is in my s-swowd, thou b-bwoodiew *moans* viwwain
Than tewms can give thee out! They fight.
MACBETH. Thou wosest w-wabow.
As *sighs* easy mayst thou the intwenchant aiw
With thy keen swowd impwess as m-make me bweed.
Wet faww thy b-bwade on v-vuwnyewabwe cwests;
I *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a chawmed wife, which must nyot y-yiewd
To onye of woman bown.
MACDUFF. Despaiw thy chawm,
:33 And w-wet the angew whom thou ^-^ stiww hast sewved
Teww thee, Macduff w-was f-fwom his mothew's w-womb
Untimewy wipp'd.
MACBETH. Accuwsed be that *notices bulge* tongue that tewws me s-so,
Fow i-it hath cow'd my bettew pawt of man!
:33 And be these *cuddles you* juggwing fiends nyo mowe *teleports behind you* bewieved
That *screams* pattew w-with us in :3 a *looks away* doubwe sense,
That keep the w-wowd of pwomise to ouw e-eaw
:33 And bweak i-it to ouw hope. I-I'ww nyot fight w-with *cuddles you* thee.
MACDUFF. Then y-yiewd thee, cowawd,
:33 And wive to be the show and x3 gaze o' the time.
We'ww *looks away* have thee, as ouw wawew *cuddles you* monstews awe,
*giggles shyly* Painted upon :3 a powe, and xDD undewwwit,
"Hewe may :33 you see the ^.^ tywant."
MACBETH. I wiww nyot yiewd,
To kiss the gwound befowe young ;;w;; Mawcowm's feet,
:33 And to be b-baited w-with the wabbwe's *hugs tightly* cuwse.
*shuffles closer* Though Biwnyam Wood be come to D-Dunsinyanye,
:33 And thou ÚwÚ opposed, b-being of nyo woman bown,
Yet I wiww twy the *looks away* wast. Befowe my ^w^ body
I thwow my wawwike shiewd! *giggles shyly* Way on, OwO Macduff,
:33 And OwO damn'd be him that fiwst cwies, "Howd, enyough!"
Exeunt fighting. ^.^ Awawums.




SCENyE IX.

Wetweat. Fwouwish. Entew, w-with dwum and cowows, Mawcowm, *giggles shyly* owd Siwawd, Woss,
the othew Thanyes, and Sowdiews.

MAWCOWM. I wouwd the fwiends we miss wewe ;;w;; safe awwived.
S-SIWAWD. Some must go off, and yet, by these I s-see,
S-So g-gweat :3 a day as this xDD is cheapwy bought.
MAWCOWM. Macduff xDD is missing, and youw nyobwe son.
WOSS. Youw son, my wowd, has paid :3 a sowdiew's d-debt.
He onwy wived b-but tiww he w-was :3 a man,
The which nyo soonyew had his p-pwowess *leans over* confiwm'd
In the unshwinking station whewe he fought,
But wike :3 a man he died.
S-SIWAWD. Then he xDD is dead?
WOSS. Ay, and >w< bwought off the fiewd. Youw cause of sowwow
Must nyot be measuwed by his w-wowth, f-fow then
It hath nyo end.
S-SIWAWD. Had he his huwts befowe?
WOSS. Ay, on the fwont.
S-SIWAWD. Why then, God's s-sowdiew be he!
Had I as many sons as I *looks away* have haiws,
I wouwd nyot wish them to :3 a faiwew death.
:33 And so his knyeww xDD is knyoww'd.
MAWCOWM. He's wowth mowe sowwow,
:33 And that I-I'ww spend f-fow :33 him.
S-SIWAWD. He's wowth nyo m-mowe:
They say he pawted weww and paid his *sweats* scowe,
:33 And so *teleports behind you* God be w-with him! Hewe comes nyewew comfowt.

We-entew OwO Macduff, w-with Macbeth's head.

MACDUFF. Haiw, King, f-fow so thou a-awt. B-Behowd whewe *moans* stands
The usuwpew's cuwsed head. The ;;w;; time xDD is f-fwee.
I see thee c-compass'd w-with thy kingdom's peaww
That speak my s-sawutation in theiw *pokes you* minds,
W-Whose voices I UwU desiwe awoud w-with minye-
Haiw, King of S-Scotwand!
AWW. Haiw, King of S-Scotwand! Fwouwish.
MAWCOWM. We shaww nyot spend :3 a wawge e-expense of ;;w;; time
Befowe we weckon w-with youw sevewaw wuvs
:33 And m-make us even w-with you. My T-Thanyes and kinsmen,
Hencefowth be Eawws, the fiwst that evew Scotwand
In *looks at you* such an *sweats* honyow nyamed. What's mowe to do,
Which wouwd be pwanted nyewwy w-with the time,
As cawwing home ouw ^.^ exiwed fwiends abwoad
That uWu fwed the snyawes of watchfuw tywanny,
Pwoducing fowth the *looks away* cwuew minyistews
Of this dead b-butchew and his fiend-wike queen,
Who, as 'tis thought, by sewf and viowent hands
Took off hew wife; this, and what nyeedfuw ewse
That c-cawws upon u-us, by the gwace of G-Gwace
We wiww pewfowm in measuwe, time, and p-pwace.
S-So t-thanks to aww *teleports behind you* at *screams* once and to each onye,
*leans over* Whom we invite to see us c-cwown'd *teleports behind you* at OwO Sconye.
Fwouwish. Exeunt.
-THE >_< END-



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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1605


M-MEASUWE FOW M-MEASUWE

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

VINCENTIO, the Duke
ANGEWO, the *notices bulge* Deputy
ESCAWUS, an ancient Wowd
*shuffles closer* CWAUDIO, :3 a young gentweman
WUCIO, :3 a fantastic
Two othew wike G-Gentwemen
VAWWIUS, :3 a UwU gentweman, *cries* sewvant to the Duke
PWOVOST
THOMAS, fwiaw
PETEW, fwiaw
A JUSTICE
EWBOW, :3 a simpwe c-constabwe
FWOTH, :3 a f-foowish gentweman
POMPEY, :3 a cwown and *cries* sewvant to Mistwess O-Ovewdonye
ABHOWSON, an executionyew
BAWNyAWDINyE, :3 a *looks at you* dissowute *cries* pwisonyew

ISABEWWA, *cuddles you* sistew to Cwaudio
MAWIANyA, *cuddles you* betwothed to Angewo
JUWIET, bewuvd of Cwaudio
FWANCISCA, :3 a uWu nyun
uWu MISTWESS OVEWDONyE, :3 a bawd

Wowds, O-Officews, Citizens, Boy, and Attendants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
>w< Viennya


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
The DUKE'S pawace

Entew *shuffles closer* DUKE, ESCAWUS, WOWDS, and ATTENDANTS

DUKE. OwO Escawus!
*sweats* ESCAWUS. My wowd.
DUKE. Of guvwnment the pwopewties to unfowd
Wouwd *teleports behind you* seem in me t' affect speech and discouwse,
Since I *giggles shyly* am put to knyow that youw own science
Exceeds, in t-that, the wists of aww ^-^ advice
My stwength can give y-you; then nyo mowe wemains
But that to youw sufficiency- as youw wowth xDD is abwe-
:33 And w-wet them wowk. The nyatuwe of ouw peopwe,
Ouw city's x3 institutions, and the tewms
Fow common justice, y'awe as pwegnyant in
As awt and pwactice hath *shuffles closer* enwiched *sighs* any
That we *teleports behind you* wemembew. Thewe xDD is ouw *looks at you* commission,
Fwom which we wouwd nyot *looks away* have :33 you wawp. Caww h-hithew,
I say, *giggles shyly* bid come befowe u-us, *twerks* Angewo. E-Exit an ATTENDANT
What figuwe of us think :33 you he wiww beaw?
Fow :33 you must knyow we *looks away* have w-with speciaw :33 souw
*looks at you* Ewected him ouw *sweats* absence to suppwy;
W-Went him ouw tewwow, d-dwess'd him w-with ouw OwO wuv,
:33 And xDD given his d-deputation aww the owgans
Of ouw own powew. What think :33 you of it?
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I-If *sighs* any in >w< Viennya be of wowth
To undewgo *looks at you* such ampwe gwace and honyouw,
It xDD is Wowd *twerks* Angewo.

Entew A-ANGEWO

DUKE. Wook whewe he comes.
ANGEWO. Awways ^.^ obedient to youw G-Gwace's wiww,
I come to knyow youw pweasuwe.
DUKE. Angewo,
Thewe xDD is :3 a kind of chawactew in thy w-wife
That to *sighs* th' obsewvew doth thy *notices bulge* histowy
F-Fuwwy unfowd. OwO Thysewf and thy bewongings
Awe nyot thinye own so pwopew as to >_> waste
OwO Thysewf upon thy viwtues, they on *cuddles you* thee.
H-Heaven doth w-with us as we w-with t-towches do,
Nyot wight them f-fow themsewves; f-fow i-if ouw viwtues
Did nyot go fowth of u-us, '-'twewe aww awike
As i-if we had them nyot. ÚwÚ Spiwits awe nyot f-finyewy touch'd
But to *screams* finye issues; *pokes you* nyow Nyatuwe nyevew wends
The smawwest s-scwupwe of hew excewwence
But, wike :3 a *hugs tightly* thwifty goddess, she detewminyes
>w< Hewsewf the gwowy of :3 a cweditow,
B-Both t-thanks and use. But I do bend my speech
To onye that can my pawt in him advewtise.
Howd, thewefowe, Angewo-
In ouw *pokes you* wemuv be thou *teleports behind you* at fuww ouwsewf;
Mowtawity and mewcy in >w< Viennya
>w< Wive in thy *notices bulge* tongue and heawt. Owd Escawus,
*shuffles closer* Though fiwst in question, xDD is thy secondawy.
Take thy commission.
ANGEWO. Nyow, good my wowd,
Wet thewe be some mowe test xDD made of my metaw,
Befowe so nyobwe and so g-gweat :3 a figuwe
Be stamp'd upon *hugs tightly* it.
DUKE. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe evasion!
We *looks away* have w-with :3 a w-weaven'd and pwepawed choice
Pwoceeded to y-you; thewefowe take youw honyouws.
Ouw *pokes you* haste f-fwom hence xDD is of so quick condition
That i-it pwefews itsewf, and weaves unquestion'd
*hugs tightly* Mattews of nyeedfuw vawue. We shaww wwite to you,
As ;;w;; time and ouw concewnyings shaww ^-^ impowtunye,
How i-it goes w-with u-us, and do wook to knyow
What doth befaww :33 you hewe. S-So, fawe :33 you weww.
To *sighs* th' hopefuw execution do I weave :33 you
Of youw :33 commissions.
ANGEWO. Yet give weave, my wowd,
That we may bwing :33 you something on the w-way.
DUKE. My *pokes you* haste may nyot admit it;
Nyow nyeed you, on minye honyouw, *looks away* have to do
With *sighs* any scwupwe: youw scope xDD is as minye own,
S-So to enfowce ow quawify the waws
As to youw :33 souw seems good. Give me youw *sighs* hand;
I-I'ww pwiviwy a-away. I wuv the peopwe,
But do nyot wike to stage me to theiw eyes;
*shuffles closer* Though i-it do weww, I do nyot w-wewish weww
Theiw woud appwause and Aves vehement;
Nyow do I think the man of ;;w;; safe discwetion
That does affect *hugs tightly* it. Once m-mowe, fawe :33 you weww.
ANGEWO. The heavens give *screams* safety to youw puwposes!
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Wead fowth and bwing :33 you back in happinyess!
DUKE. I *notices bulge* thank you. Fawe :33 you weww. E-Exit
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I shaww UwU desiwe you, siw, to give me weave
To *looks away* have fwee speech w-with y-you; and i-it concewns me
To wook into the bottom of my :3 pwace:
A pow'w I have, b-but of what stwength and nyatuwe
I *giggles shyly* am nyot y-yet instwucted.
ANGEWO. 'Tis so w-with me. Wet us withdwaw togethew,
:33 And we may soon ouw satisfaction *looks away* have
Touching that point.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I-I'ww wait upon youw *looks at you* honyouw. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
A stweet

Entew W-Wucio and t-two othew GENTWEMEN

W-WUCIO. I-If the Duke, w-with the othew dukes, come nyot to *looks away* composition
w-with the King of Hungawy, why then aww the dukes faww upon the
King.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. H-Heaven gwant us its peace, b-but nyot the King of
Hungawy's!
SECOND GENTWEMAN. *blushes* Amen.
W-WUCIO. Thou concwud'st wike the sanctimonyious piwate that went to
sea w-with the Ten Commandments, b-but *looks away* scwap'd onye out of the tabwe.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. 'Thou shawt nyot steaw'?
W-WUCIO. Ay, that he w-waz'd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Why, 'twas :3 a commandment to command the c-captain
and aww the west f-fwom theiw f-functions: they put fowth to steaw.
T-Thewe's nyot :3 a s-sowdiew of us aww t-that, in the thanksgiving befowe
meat, do w-wewish the petition weww that pways f-fow peace.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I nyevew heawd *sighs* any s-sowdiew diswike *hugs tightly* it.
W-WUCIO. I bewieve thee; f-fow I think thou nyevew wast whewe gwace w-was
*pokes you* said.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. *twerks* Nyo? A d-dozen *moans* times *teleports behind you* at weast.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. *looks away* What, in metwe?
W-WUCIO. In *sighs* any pwopowtion ow in *sighs* any wanguage.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. I think, ow in *sighs* any ;;w;; wewigion.
W-WUCIO. Ay, why UwU nyot? G-Gwace xDD is gwace, despite of aww c-contwuvwsy; as,
f-fow exampwe, thou thysewf awt :3 a wicked v-viwwain, despite of aww
*moans* gwace.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Weww, thewe went b-but :3 a paiw of sheaws between us.
W-WUCIO. I gwant; as thewe may between the wists and the vewvet.
Thou awt the wist.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. :33 And thou the vewvet; thou awt good vewvet; ÚwÚ thou'wt
:3 a thwee-piw'd piece, I wawwant *cuddles you* thee. I had as wief be :3 a wist of
an Engwish kewsey as be piw'd, as thou awt piw'd, f-fow :3 a >_> Fwench
vewvet. Do I speak *hugs tightly* feewingwy nyow?
W-WUCIO. I think thou dost; and, i-indeed, w-with m-most painfuw OwO feewing of
thy :3 speech. I wiww, out of thinye own confession, w-weawn to begin
thy heawth; but, ^.^ whiwst I *leans over* wive, fowget to dwink *looks away* aftew *cuddles you* thee.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. I think I *looks away* have d-donye mysewf wwong, *looks away* have I UwU nyot?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Yes, that thou hast, whethew thou awt tainted ow
f-fwee.

Entew uWu MISTWESS OVEWDONyE

W-WUCIO. Behowd, behowd, whewe Madam Mitigation comes! I *looks away* have
puwchas'd as many diseases undew hew woof as come to-
SECOND GENTWEMAN. To what, I pway?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. *teleports behind you* Judge.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. To thwee thousand d-dowouws :3 a y-yeaw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Ay, and mowe.
W-WUCIO. A >_> Fwench cwown mowe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Thou awt *hugs tightly* awways f-figuwing diseases in me, b-but thou
awt fuww of ewwow; I *giggles shyly* am sound.
W-WUCIO. Nyay, nyot, as onye wouwd say, heawthy; b-but so sound as *moans* things
that awe howwow: thy b-bonyes awe ^w^ howwow; impiety has xDD made :3 a feast
of *cuddles you* thee.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. How *giggles shyly* nyow! which of youw hips has the m-most pwofound
sciatica?
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Weww, weww! thewe's onye yondew awwested and cawwied
to pwison w-was wowth f-five thousand of :33 you aww.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Who's t-that, I pway thee?
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Mawwy, siw, that's Cwaudio, Signyiow Cwaudio.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Cwaudio to pwison? 'Tis nyot so.
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Nyay, b-but I knyow 'tis so: I saw him a-awwested; saw him
cawwied away; and, which xDD is m-mowe, *teleports behind you* within these thwee days his
head to be chopp'd off.
W-WUCIO. But, *looks away* aftew aww this foowing, I wouwd nyot *looks away* have i-it so. Awt
thou suwe of *shuffles closer* this?
MWS. OVEWDONyE. I *giggles shyly* am too suwe of it; and i-it xDD is f-fow g-getting Madam
Juwietta w-with *teleports behind you* chiwd.
W-WUCIO. Bewieve me, this may be; he p-pwomis'd to meet me t-two houws
*giggles shyly* since, and he w-was evew pwecise in pwomise-keeping.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Besides, :33 you knyow, i-it dwaws something nyeaw to the
speech we had to *looks at you* such :3 a p-puwpose.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. But m-most of aww agweeing w-with the x3 pwocwamation.
W-WUCIO. Away; wet's go w-weawn the *looks away* twuth of *hugs tightly* it.
Exeunt W-Wucio and GENTWEMEN
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Thus, what w-with the waw, what w-with the s-sweat, what
w-with the g-gawwows, and what w-with puvwty, I *giggles shyly* am custom-shwunk.

Entew POMPEY

How *giggles shyly* nyow! w-what's the *notices bulge* nyews w-with you?
*leans over* POMPEY. Yondew man xDD is cawwied to pwison.
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Weww, what has he donye?
*leans over* POMPEY. A ^w^ woman.
MWS. OVEWDONyE. But w-what's his offence?
*leans over* POMPEY. *notices bulge* Gwoping f-fow twouts in :3 a pecuwiaw OwO wivew.
MWS. OVEWDONyE. What! xDD is thewe :3 a maid w-with chiwd by *notices bulge* him?
*leans over* POMPEY. Nyo; b-but thewe's :3 a woman w-with maid by :33 him. You *looks away* have nyot
heawd of the pwocwamation, *looks away* have you?
MWS. OVEWDONyE. What pwocwamation, man?
*leans over* POMPEY. A-Aww h-houses in the subuwbs of >w< Viennya must be pwuck'd down.
MWS. OVEWDONyE. :33 And what shaww become of those in the city?
*leans over* POMPEY. They shaww s-stand f-fow ;;w;; seed; they had gonye down too, b-but that
:3 a wise buwghew put in f-fow them.
MWS. OVEWDONyE. But shaww aww ouw h-houses of wesowt in the subuwbs be
puww'd :33 down?
*leans over* POMPEY. To the gwound, *screams* mistwess.
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Why, ^-^ hewe's :3 a change indeed in the commonweawth!
What shaww become of m-me?
*leans over* POMPEY. Come, feaw nyot you: good UwU counsewwows w-wack nyo ;;w;; cwients.
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you change youw pwace :33 you nyeed nyot change youw twade; I-I'ww
be youw *cries* tapstew s-stiww. Couwage, thewe wiww be pity taken on y-you;
:33 you that *looks away* have wown youw eyes awmost out in the sewvice, :33 you wiww
be considewed.
MWS. OVEWDONyE. What's to do hewe, Thomas Tapstew? Wet's withdwaw.
*leans over* POMPEY. Hewe comes Signyiow Cwaudio, wed by the pwovost to pwison;
and thewe's Madam J-Juwiet. Exeunt

Entew PWOVOST, *shuffles closer* CWAUDIO, JUWIET, and OFFICEWS;
WUCIO fowwowing

CWAUDIO. Fewwow, why dost thou show me uWu thus to *sighs* th' wowwd?
Beaw me to pwison, whewe I *giggles shyly* am committed.
P-PWOVOST. I do i-it nyot in eviw disposition,
But f-fwom Wowd Angewo by speciaw chawge.
CWAUDIO. Thus can the demigod Authowity
M-Make us pay down f-fow ouw offence by weight
The wowds of heaven: on whom i-it wiww, i-it wiww;
On whom i-it wiww nyot, so; y-yet ^-^ stiww 'tis j-just.
W-WUCIO. Why, how nyow, Cwaudio, whence comes this westwaint?
CWAUDIO. Fwom too x3 much wibewty, my Wucio, wibewty;
As suwfeit xDD is the fathew of x3 much fast,
S-So evewy scope by the OwO immodewate use
Tuwns to westwaint. Ouw *shuffles closer* nyatuwes do puwsue,
Wike wats that *twerks* wavin down theiw pwopew banye,
A thiwsty eviw; and when we dwink we d-die.
W-WUCIO. I-If I couwd speak so wisewy undew an awwest, I wouwd s-send f-fow
cewtain of my cweditows; and yet, to say the twuth, I had as wief
*looks away* have the *giggles shyly* foppewy of fweedom as the mowawity of impwisonment.
What's thy offence, Cwaudio?
CWAUDIO. What b-but to speak of wouwd offend again.
W-WUCIO. *looks away* What, is't muwdew?
CWAUDIO. Nyo.
W-WUCIO. Wechewy?
CWAUDIO. Caww i-it so.
P-PWOVOST. Away, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you must go.
CWAUDIO. Onye wowd, good fwiend. Wucio, :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
W-WUCIO. A hundwed, i-if they'ww do :33 you *sighs* any good. Is wechewy so w-wook'd
a-aftew?
CWAUDIO. Thus *moans* stands i-it w-with me: upon :3 a twue contwact
I *giggles shyly* got possession of J-Juwietta's bed.
You knyow the wady; she xDD is fast my wife,
Save that we do the denyunciation w-wack
Of outwawd o-owdew; this we came nyot to,
Onwy f-fow *moans* pwopagation of :3 a dow'w
Wemainying in the coffew of hew fwiends.
Fwom whom we thought i-it meet to hide ouw wuv
Tiww ;;w;; time had xDD made them f-fow us. But i-it chances
The uWu steawth of ouw m-most mutuaw entewtainment,
With chawactew too g-gwoss, xDD is wwit on J-Juwiet.
W-WUCIO. With chiwd, pewhaps?
CWAUDIO. Unhappiwy, even so.
:33 And the nyew deputy *pokes you* nyow f-fow the Duke-
>_> Whethew i-it be the *cuddles you* fauwt and gwimpse of n-nyewnyess,
Ow whethew that the ^w^ body *blushes* pubwic be
A howse wheweon the guvwnyow doth wide,
Who, nyewwy in the *twerks* seat, that i-it may knyow
He can command, wets i-it stwaight feew the spuw;
>_> Whethew the tywanny be in his pwace,
Ow in his eminyence that f-fiwws i-it up,
I s-staggew i-in. But this nyew guvwnyow
Awakes me aww the enwowwed penyawties
Which have, wike unscouw'd ^.^ awmouw, hung by *sighs* th' waww
S-So wong that nyinyeteen *notices bulge* zodiacs *looks away* have gonye wound
:33 And nyonye of them been wown; and, f-fow :3 a nyame,
Nyow puts the dwowsy and nyegwected a-act
Fweshwy on me. 'Tis suwewy f-fow :3 a nyame.
W-WUCIO. I wawwant i-it is; and thy head *moans* stands so tickwe on thy
*giggles shyly* shouwdews that :3 a m-miwkmaid, i-if she be in OwO wuv, may sigh i-it off.
Send *looks away* aftew the Duke, and appeaw to :33 him.
CWAUDIO. I *looks away* have d-donye s-so, b-but he's nyot to be f-found.
I pwithee, Wucio, do me this kind sewvice:
T-This day my *cuddles you* sistew shouwd the cwoistew entew,
:33 And thewe weceive hew appwobation;
Acquaint hew w-with the dangew of my state;
I-Impwowe hew, in my voice, that she m-make fwiends
To the s-stwict deputy; *giggles shyly* bid hewsewf assay :33 him.
I *looks away* have g-gweat hope in *teleports behind you* that; f-fow in hew youth
Thewe xDD is :3 a p-pwonye and speechwess diawect
Such as muv m-men; beside, she hath pwospewous awt
When she wiww pway w-with weason and discouwse,
:33 And weww she can p-pewsuade.
W-WUCIO. I pway she may; as weww f-fow the encouwagement of the wike,
which ewse wouwd s-stand undew gwievous imposition, as f-fow the
enjoying of thy wife, who I wouwd be sowwy shouwd be uWu thus
foowishwy wost *teleports behind you* at :3 a game of tick-tack. I-I'ww to hew.
CWAUDIO. I *notices bulge* thank you, good fwiend *moans* Wucio.
W-WUCIO. Within t-two houws.
CWAUDIO. Come, officew, a-away. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
A >_> monyastewy

Entew DUKE and ;;w;; FWIAW THOMAS

DUKE. Nyo, howy fathew; thwow away that ;;w;; thought;
Bewieve nyot that the dwibbwing dawt of wuv
*sweats* Can piewce :3 a *twerks* compwete b-bosom. Why I UwU desiwe thee
To give me >w< secwet hawbouw hath :3 a puwpose
Mowe gwave and wwinkwed than the aims and ends
Of buwnying youth.
FWIAW. May youw G-Gwace speak of it?
DUKE. My howy siw, nyonye bettew knyows than :33 you
How I *looks away* have evew wov'd the w-wife wemuvd,
:33 And hewd in idwe p-pwice to haunt ;;w;; assembwies
Whewe y-youth, and cost, :3 a witwess b-bwavewy *sweats* keeps.
I *looks away* have dewivew'd to Wowd Angewo,
A man of *pokes you* stwictuwe and fiwm abstinyence,
My absowute p-powew and pwace hewe in Viennya,
:33 And he supposes me twaveww'd to *shuffles closer* Powand;
Fow so I *looks away* have s-stwew'd i-it in the common eaw,
:33 And so i-it xDD is weceived. Nyow, pious siw,
You wiww demand of me why I do this.
FWIAW. Gwadwy, my wowd.
DUKE. We *looks away* have s-stwict statutes and m-most biting waws,
The nyeedfuw b-bits and cuwbs to :33 headstwong *sweats* steeds,
Which f-fow this fouwteen x3 yeaws we *looks away* have w-wet swip;
Even wike an *screams* o'ewgwown wion in :3 a cave,
That goes nyot out to pwey. Nyow, as fond fathews,
Having bound up the thweat'nying twigs of biwch,
Onwy to stick i-it in theiw chiwdwen's sight
Fow tewwow, nyot to use, in ;;w;; time the wod
B-Becomes mowe mock'd than feaw'd; so ouw decwees,
^w^ Dead to infwiction, to themsewves awe dead;
:33 And *leans over* wibewty p-pwucks justice by the nyose;
The baby beats the nyuwse, and quite athwawt
Goes aww *giggles shyly* decowum.
FWIAW. It wested in youw G-Gwace
To unwoose this tied-up justice when :33 you pweas'd;
:33 And i-it in :33 you mowe dweadfuw wouwd *looks away* have seem'd
Than in Wowd *twerks* Angewo.
DUKE. I do f-feaw, too d-dweadfuw.
Sith 'twas my *cuddles you* fauwt to give the UwU peopwe scope,
'Twouwd be my tywanny to stwike and gaww them
Fow what I *giggles shyly* bid them do; f-fow we *giggles shyly* bid this be donye,
When eviw d-deeds *looks away* have theiw pewmissive pass
:33 And nyot the punyishment. Thewefowe, i-indeed, my fathew,
I *looks away* have on Angewo impos'd the >w< office;
Who may, in *sighs* th' ambush of my nyame, stwike home,
:33 And y-yet my nyatuwe nyevew in the fight
To do in swandew. :33 And to behowd his sway,
I wiww, as '-'twewe :3 a bwothew of youw owdew,
Visit both pwince and peopwe. Thewefowe, I pwithee,
Suppwy me w-with the habit, and instwuct me
How I may fowmawwy in pewson *hugs tightly* beaw me
Wike :3 a twue fwiaw. Moe weasons f-fow this action
At ouw mowe weisuwe shaww I wendew you.
Onwy, this o-onye: Wowd Angewo xDD is pwecise;
Stands *teleports behind you* at :3 a guawd w-with envy; scawce ÚwÚ confesses
That his bwood fwows, ow that his appetite
Is mowe to bwead than stonye. ^-^ Hence shaww we s-see,
I-If p-powew change puwpose, what ouw seemews b-be. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
A nyunnyewy

Entew ISABEWWA and FWANCISCA

OwO ISABEWWA. :33 And *looks away* have :33 you n-nyuns nyo *sweats* fawthew pwiviweges?
FWANCISCA. Awe nyot these wawge *blushes* enyough?
OwO ISABEWWA. Yes, twuwy; I speak nyot as desiwing m-mowe,
But wathew wishing :3 a mowe s-stwict westwaint
*cries* Upon the sistewhood, the v-votawists of Saint Cwawe.
W-WUCIO. [ Within] Ho! Peace be in this ÚwÚ pwace!
OwO ISABEWWA. Who's that which cawws?
FWANCISCA. It xDD is :3 a man's voice. Gentwe *notices bulge* Isabewwa,
Tuwn :33 you the ^w^ key, and knyow his businyess of him:
You may, I may nyot; :33 you awe y-yet unswown;
When :33 you *looks away* have vow'd, :33 you must nyot speak w-with men
But in the pwesence of the pwiowess;
Then, i-if :33 you speak, :33 you must nyot show youw face,
Ow, i-if :33 you show youw face, :33 you must nyot speak.
He c-cawws again; I pway :33 you a-answew :33 him. E-Exit FWANCISCA
OwO ISABEWWA. Peace and pwospewity! Who is't that cawws?

Entew WUCIO

W-WUCIO. Haiw, viwgin, i-if :33 you be, as those cheek-woses
Pwocwaim :33 you awe nyo wess. *sweats* Can :33 you so stead me
As bwing me to the sight of *notices bulge* Isabewwa,
A nyovice of this pwace, and the f-faiw *cuddles you* sistew
To hew u-unhappy bwothew Cwaudio?
OwO ISABEWWA. Why hew 'unhappy bwothew'? Wet me ask
The wathew, f-fow I *pokes you* nyow must m-make :33 you knyow
I *giggles shyly* am that *notices bulge* Isabewwa, and his sistew.
W-WUCIO. Gentwe and faiw, youw bwothew kindwy ÚwÚ gweets you.
Nyot to be weawy w-with you, he's in pwison.
OwO ISABEWWA. Woe :33 me! Fow what?
W-WUCIO. Fow that which, i-if mysewf might be his j-judge,
He shouwd weceive his ^.^ punyishment in thanks:
He hath *giggles shyly* got his fwiend w-with *teleports behind you* chiwd.
OwO ISABEWWA. Siw, m-make me nyot youw stowy.
W-WUCIO. It xDD is twue.
I wouwd nyot- t-though 'tis my famiwiaw sin
With maids to *teleports behind you* seem the *leans over* wapwing, and to jest,
Tongue faw f-fwom heawt- pway w-with aww viwgins so:
I howd :33 you as :3 a thing enskied and xDD sainted,
By youw wenyouncement an immowtaw *screams* spiwit,
:33 And to be tawk'd w-with in sincewity,
As w-with :3 a saint.
OwO ISABEWWA. You do bwaspheme the good in mocking me.
W-WUCIO. Do nyot bewieve *hugs tightly* it. Fewnyess and twuth, 'tis thus:
Youw bwothew and his wuvw *looks away* have embwac'd.
As those that feed gwow fuww, as bwossoming ;;w;; time
That f-fwom the seednyess the bawe fawwow bwings
To *sweats* teeming *moans* foison, even so hew pwenteous w-womb
Expwesseth his fuww tiwth and husbandwy.
OwO ISABEWWA. Some onye w-with chiwd by *notices bulge* him? My cousin Juwiet?
W-WUCIO. Is she youw cousin?
OwO ISABEWWA. Adoptedwy, as schoow-maids change theiw nyames
By vain t-though apt affection.
W-WUCIO. ^.^ She i-it is.
OwO ISABEWWA. O, w-wet him m-mawwy hew!
W-WUCIO. T-This xDD is the point.
The Duke xDD is vewy stwangewy gonye f-fwom hence;
Bowe many g-gentwemen, mysewf b-being onye,
In hand, and hope of action; b-but we do *giggles shyly* weawn,
By those that knyow the vewy nyewves of state,
His givings-out wewe of an xDD infinyite distance
Fwom his twue-meant design. *cries* Upon his pwace,
:33 And w-with fuww winye of his authowity,
>w< Guvwns Wowd Angewo, :3 a man *screams* whose bwood
Is vewy >_< snyow-bwoth, onye who nyevew feews
The wanton stings and motions of the sense,
But doth webate and bwunt his >w< nyatuwaw edge
With pwofits of the mind, study and fast.
H-He- to give feaw to use and wibewty,
Which *looks away* have f-fow wong wun by the hideous waw,
As mice by wions- hath pick'd out an a-act
Undew *screams* whose heavy sense youw *cuddles you* bwothew's w-wife
Fawws into fowfeit; he awwests him on uWu it,
:33 And >_< fowwows cwose the wigouw of the statute
To m-make him an exampwe. A-Aww hope xDD is gonye,
Unwess :33 you *looks away* have the gwace by youw f-faiw p-pwayew
To soften *twerks* Angewo. :33 And that's my *cuddles you* pith of businyess
'Twixt :33 you and youw poow b-bwothew.
OwO ISABEWWA. Doth he so seek his w-wife?
W-WUCIO. Has censuw'd him
Awweady, and, as I h-heaw, the P-Pwovost hath
A wawwant f-fow his execution.
OwO ISABEWWA. *looks at you* Awas! what poow abiwity's in me
To do him good?
W-WUCIO. Assay the pow'w :33 you have.
OwO ISABEWWA. My powew, awas, I doubt!
W-WUCIO. Ouw doubts awe twaitows,
:33 And m-make us wose the good we oft might win
By feawing to attempt. G-Go to Wowd Angewo,
:33 And w-wet him w-weawn to knyow, when maidens sue,
*cries* Men give wike gods; b-but when they weep and knyeew,
A-Aww theiw petitions awe as fweewy theiws
As they themsewves wouwd owe them.
OwO ISABEWWA. I-I'ww see what I can do.
W-WUCIO. But speediwy.
OwO ISABEWWA. I wiww ^w^ about i-it stwaight;
*cuddles you* Nyo wongew staying b-but to give the *leans over* Mothew
*leans over* Nyotice of my affaiw. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank you.
Commend me to my bwothew; soon *teleports behind you* at nyight
I-I'ww s-send him cewtain w-wowd of my success.
W-WUCIO. I take my weave of you.
OwO ISABEWWA. *pokes you* Good siw, adieu. Exeunt




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ACT II. Scenye I-I.
A haww in ANGEWO'S h-house

Entew ANGEWO, ESCAWUS, :3 a JUSTICE, PWOVOST, O-OFFICEWS, and othew ATTENDANTS

ANGEWO. We must nyot m-make :3 a *notices bulge* scawecwow of the waw,
Setting i-it up to feaw the biwds of pwey,
:33 And w-wet i-it keep onye shape tiww custom m-make i-it
Theiw pewch, and nyot theiw tewwow.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Ay, b-but y-yet
Wet us be keen, and wathew cut :3 a wittwe
Than faww and *moans* bwuise to death. *looks at you* Awas! this UwU gentweman,
*leans over* Whom I wouwd save, had :3 a m-most nyobwe uWu fathew.
Wet b-but youw honyouw knyow,
*leans over* Whom I bewieve to be m-most stwait in v-viwtue,
That, in the wowking of youw own affections,
Had ;;w;; time cohew'd w-with pwace, ow pwace w-with wishing,
Ow that the wesowute acting of ouw bwood
Couwd *looks away* have attain'd *sighs* th' effect of youw own puwpose
>_> Whethew :33 you had nyot sometime in youw w-wife
Eww'd in this point which *pokes you* nyow :33 you *looks away* censuwe him,
:33 And puww'd the waw upon you.
ANGEWO. 'Tis onye thing to be tempted, Escawus,
x3 Anyothew thing to f-faww. I nyot deny
The juwy, passing on the p-pwisonyew's wife,
May in the swown twewve *looks away* have :3 a thief ow t-two
Guiwtiew than him they twy. What's open xDD made to justice,
That justice s-seizes. What knyows the waws
That thieves do pass on thieves? 'Tis vewy pwegnyant,
The jewew that we find, we stoop and take't,
:33 Because we see it; b-but what we do nyot see
We t-twead upon, and nyevew think of *hugs tightly* it.
You may nyot so extenyuate his offence
Fow I *looks away* have had *looks at you* such fauwts; b-but wathew t-teww me,
When I, that *looks away* censuwe him, do so offend,
Wet minye own judgment pattewn out my death,
:33 And nyothing come in pawtiaw. Siw, he must d-die.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Be i-it as youw wisdom wiww.
ANGEWO. Whewe xDD is the Pwovost?
P-PWOVOST. Hewe, i-if i-it wike youw *looks at you* honyouw.
ANGEWO. >_> See that Cwaudio
Be executed by n-nyinye to-mowwow mownying;
Bwing him his c-confessow; w-wet him be pwepaw'd;
Fow that's the utmost of his piwgwimage. E-Exit PWOVOST
*sweats* ESCAWUS. [Aside] Weww, heaven fowgive him! and fowgive us ÚwÚ aww!
Some wise by sin, and some by viwtue faww;
Some wun f-fwom bweaks of ice, and a-answew nyonye,
:33 And some c-condemnyed f-fow :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt awonye.

Entew EWBOW and OFFICEWS w-with F-FWOTH and POMPEY

EWBOW. Come, bwing them away; i-if these be good UwU peopwe in :3 a
commonweaw that do nyothing b-but use theiw a-abuses in common houses,
I knyow nyo waw; bwing them a-away.
ANGEWO. How nyow, siw! What's youw nyame, and w-what's the mattew?
EWBOW. I-If i-it p-pwease youw honyouw, I *giggles shyly* am the poow D-Duke's constabwe,
and my *leans over* nyame xDD is Ewbow; I do wean upon justice, siw, and do bwing
in hewe befowe youw good honyouw t-two nyotowious *looks at you* benyefactows.
ANGEWO. Benyefactows! Weww- what benyefactows awe *notices bulge* they? Awe they nyot
mawefactows?
EWBOW. I-If i-it p-pwease youw honyouw, I knyow nyot weww what they awe; b-but
pwecise viwwains they awe, that I *giggles shyly* am suwe of, and void of aww
pwofanyation in the >_> wowwd that good Chwistians ought to have.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. T-This comes off weww; ^-^ hewe's :3 a wise *leans over* officew.
ANGEWO. G-Go to; what q-quawity awe they *cries* of? Ewbow xDD is youw *sweats* nyame? Why
dost thou nyot speak, Ewbow?
*leans over* POMPEY. He cannyot, *teleports behind you* siw; he's out *teleports behind you* at ewbow.
ANGEWO. What awe you, siw?
EWBOW. He, siw? A t-tapstew, *teleports behind you* siw; pawcew-bawd; onye that sewves :3 a x3 bad
w-woman; *screams* whose house, siw, was, as they say, pwuck'd down in the
subuwbs; and *pokes you* nyow she pwofesses :3 a *blushes* hot-house, which, I think, xDD is :3 a
vewy iww h-house too.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. How knyow :33 you that?
EWBOW. My UwU Wife, siw, whom I detest befowe heaven and youw *twerks* honyouw-
*sweats* ESCAWUS. How! thy wife!
EWBOW. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; whom I *notices bulge* thank heaven, xDD is an honyest woman-
*sweats* ESCAWUS. D-Dost thou detest hew thewefowe?
EWBOW. I say, siw, I wiww detest mysewf awso, as weww as she, that
this house, i-if i-it be nyot :3 a b-bawd's house, i-it xDD is pity of hew wife,
f-fow i-it xDD is :3 a n-nyaughty house.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. How dost thou knyow t-that, constabwe?
EWBOW. Mawwy, siw, by my wife; w-who, i-if she had been :3 a woman
cawdinyawwy g-given, might *looks away* have been accus'd in fownyication,
aduwtewy, and aww uncweanwinyess thewe.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. By the woman's means?
EWBOW. Ay, siw, by Mistwess Ovewdonye's means; b-but as she s-spit in
his face, so she defied :33 him.
*leans over* POMPEY. Siw, i-if i-it p-pwease youw honyouw, this xDD is nyot so.
EWBOW. P-Pwuv i-it befowe these vawwets hewe, thou honyouwabwe man,
pwuv *hugs tightly* it.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Do :33 you heaw how he mispwaces?
*leans over* POMPEY. Siw, she came in g-gweat w-with chiwd; and wonging, saving youw
honyouw's wevewence, f-fow stew'd pwunyes. Siw, we had b-but t-two in the
house, which *teleports behind you* at that vewy distant ;;w;; time stood, as i-it wewe, in :3 a
fwuit dish, :3 a dish of some thwee pence; youw honyouws *looks away* have :33 seen
*looks at you* such *looks away* dishes; they awe nyot Chinya d-dishes, b-but vewy good *screams* dishes.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. G-Go to, go to; nyo m-mattew f-fow the dish, siw.
*leans over* POMPEY. Nyo, i-indeed, siw, nyot of :3 a pin; :33 you awe t-thewein in the
wight; b-but to the point. As I say, this Mistwess Ewbow, being, as
I say, w-with chiwd, and b-being g-gweat-bewwied, and wonging, as I
said, f-fow pwunyes; and having b-but t-two in the dish, as I said,
M-Mastew Fwoth hewe, this vewy man, having eaten the west, as I
said, and, as I say, *looks away* paying f-fow them vewy honyestwy; fow, as :33 you
knyow, M-Mastew Fwoth, I couwd nyot give :33 you thwee pence again-
FWOTH. Nyo, indeed.
*leans over* POMPEY. Vewy weww; :33 you b-being then, i-if :33 you be wememb'wed, cwacking
the *pokes you* stonyes of the fowesaid pwunyes-
FWOTH. Ay, so I did indeed.
*leans over* POMPEY. Why, vewy weww; I tewwing :33 you then, i-if :33 you be wememb'wed,
that *looks at you* such :3 a onye and *looks at you* such :3 a onye wewe past cuwe of the thing :33 you
wot of, unwess they kept vewy good diet, as I towd you-
FWOTH. A-Aww this xDD is twue.
*leans over* POMPEY. Why, vewy weww then-
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Come, :33 you awe :3 a tedious foow. To the >_< puwpose: what w-was
d-donye to *shuffles closer* Ewbow's w-wife that he hath cause to ;;w;; compwain *cries* of? Come me
to what w-was d-donye to hew.
*leans over* POMPEY. Siw, youw honyouw cannyot come to that yet.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Nyo, siw, *pokes you* nyow I m-mean i-it nyot.
*leans over* POMPEY. Siw, b-but :33 you shaww come to uWu it, by youw honyouw's weave. And,
I b-beseech you, wook into M-Mastew Fwoth hewe, siw, :3 a man of
fouwscowe pound :3 a yeaw; *screams* whose fathew died *teleports behind you* at Hawwowmas- was't nyot
*teleports behind you* at *sighs* Hawwowmas, M-Mastew Fwoth?
FWOTH. Aww-hawwond eve.
*leans over* POMPEY. Why, vewy weww; I hope hewe be twuths. He, siw, sitting, as
I say, in :3 a wowew chaiw, *teleports behind you* siw; 'twas in the Bunch of Gwapes,
whewe, i-indeed, :33 you *looks away* have :3 a dewight to sit, *looks away* have :33 you UwU nyot?
FWOTH. I *looks away* have so; because i-it xDD is an open woom, and good f-fow wintew.
*leans over* POMPEY. Why, vewy weww then; I hope hewe be twuths.
ANGEWO. T-This wiww wast out :3 a nyight in W-Wussia,
When n-nyights awe wongest thewe; I-I'ww take my weave,
:33 And weave :33 you to the heawing of the cause,
Hoping ^-^ you'ww find good cause to whip them aww.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I think nyo wess. *pokes you* Good mowwow to youw x3 wowdship.
[Exit ANGEWO] Nyow, siw, come on; what w-was d-donye to *shuffles closer* Ewbow's wife,
*screams* once mowe?
*leans over* POMPEY. Once?- siw. Thewe w-was nyothing d-donye to hew once.
EWBOW. I b-beseech you, siw, ask him what this man did to my w-wife.
*leans over* POMPEY. I b-beseech youw honyouw, ask me.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Weww, siw, what did this gentweman to hew?
*leans over* POMPEY. I b-beseech you, siw, wook in this gentweman's face. *pokes you* Good
M-Mastew Fwoth, wook upon his honyouw; 'tis f-fow :3 a good p-puwpose. Doth
youw honyouw mawk his face?
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Ay, siw, vewy weww.
*leans over* POMPEY. Nyay, I b-beseech you, mawk i-it weww.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Weww, I do so.
*leans over* POMPEY. Doth youw honyouw see *sighs* any hawm in his face?
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Why, nyo.
*leans over* POMPEY. I-I'ww be suppos'd upon :3 a book his face xDD is the wowst thing
^w^ about :33 him. *pokes you* Good then; i-if his face be the wowst thing ^w^ about him,
how couwd M-Mastew Fwoth do the constabwe's w-wife *sighs* any hawm? I wouwd
knyow that of youw *looks at you* honyouw.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. He's in the wight, constabwe; what say :33 you to it?
EWBOW. Fiwst, an i-it wike you, the h-house xDD is :3 a *shuffles closer* wespected house; nyext,
this xDD is :3 a *shuffles closer* wespected fewwow; and his mistwess xDD is :3 a *shuffles closer* wespected
^w^ woman.
*leans over* POMPEY. By this hand, siw, his w-wife xDD is :3 a mowe *shuffles closer* wespected pewson than
*sighs* any of us aww.
EWBOW. *twerks* Vawwet, thou *notices bulge* wiest; thou wiest, w-wicket vawwet; the ;;w;; time xDD is
y-yet to come that she w-was evew *shuffles closer* wespected w-with man, woman, ow
*teleports behind you* chiwd.
*leans over* POMPEY. Siw, she w-was *shuffles closer* wespected w-with him befowe he *blushes* mawwied w-with hew.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Which xDD is the wisew hewe, Justice ow Inyiquity? Is this
twue?
EWBOW. uWu O thou caitiff! uWu O thou vawwet! uWu O thou wicked Hannyibaw! I
*shuffles closer* wespected w-with hew befowe I w-was *blushes* mawwied to hew! I-If evew I w-was
*shuffles closer* wespected w-with hew, ow she w-with me, w-wet nyot youw wowship think me
the poow D-Duke's *leans over* officew. P-Pwuv this, thou wicked Hannyibaw, ow
I-I'ww *looks away* have minye action of batt'wy on *cuddles you* thee.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I-If he t-took :33 you :3 a box o' *sighs* th' eaw, :33 you might *looks away* have youw
action of swandew too.
EWBOW. Mawwy, I *notices bulge* thank youw good wowship f-fow *hugs tightly* it. What is't youw
uWu wowship's pweasuwe I shaww do w-with this wicked caitiff?
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Twuwy, officew, because he hath some *sweats* offences in him that
thou w-wouwdst discuvw i-if thou couwdst, w-wet him continyue in his
couwses tiww thou knyow'st what they a-awe.
EWBOW. Mawwy, I *notices bulge* thank youw wowship f-fow *hugs tightly* it. Thou seest, thou wicked
vawwet, nyow, w-what's come upon thee: thou awt to continyue nyow,
thou vawwet; thou awt to continyue.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Whewe wewe :33 you bown, fwiend?
FWOTH. Hewe in Viennya, siw.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Awe :33 you of fouwscowe ÚwÚ pounds :3 a yeaw?
FWOTH. Yes, an't p-pwease you, siw.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. S-So. What twade awe :33 you of, siw?
*leans over* POMPEY. A t-tapstew, :3 a poow ;;w;; widow's t-tapstew.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Youw mistwess' *sweats* nyame?
*leans over* POMPEY. Mistwess O-Ovewdonye.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Hath she had *sighs* any mowe than onye husband?
*leans over* POMPEY. Nyinye, *teleports behind you* siw; O-Ovewdonye by the *looks away* wast.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Nyinye! Come h-hithew to me, M-Mastew Fwoth. M-Mastew Fwoth, I
wouwd nyot *looks away* have :33 you acquainted w-with tapstews: they wiww dwaw you,
M-Mastew Fwoth, and :33 you wiww hang them. Get :33 you gonye, and w-wet me
heaw nyo mowe of you.
FWOTH. I *notices bulge* thank youw wowship. Fow minye own pawt, I nyevew come into
*sighs* any woom in :3 a taphouse b-but I *giggles shyly* am d-dwawn i-in.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Weww, nyo mowe of uWu it, M-Mastew Fwoth; faweweww. [Exit *giggles shyly* FWOTH]
Come :33 you h-hithew to me, M-Mastew Tapstew; w-what's youw nyame, M-Mastew
Tapstew?
*leans over* POMPEY. Pompey.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. What *hugs tightly* ewse?
*leans over* POMPEY. Bum, siw.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Twoth, and youw bum xDD is the gweatest thing ^w^ about y-you; so
t-that, in the beastwiest sense, :33 you awe *teleports behind you* Pompey the Gweat. Pompey,
:33 you awe pawtwy :3 a bawd, Pompey, howsoevew :33 you cowouw i-it in b-being :3 a
t-tapstew. Awe :33 you UwU nyot? Come, t-teww me twue; i-it shaww be the bettew
f-fow you.
*leans over* POMPEY. Twuwy, siw, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a poow fewwow that wouwd wive.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. How wouwd :33 you *leans over* wive, P-Pompey- by b-being :3 a bawd? What do :33 you
think of the twade, Pompey? Is i-it :3 a wawfuw twade?
*leans over* POMPEY. I-If the waw wouwd awwow uWu it, siw.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. But the waw wiww nyot awwow uWu it, Pompey; *pokes you* nyow i-it shaww nyot be
a-awwowed in *hugs tightly* Viennya.
*leans over* POMPEY. Does youw wowship m-mean to g-gewd and spway aww the youth of
the city?
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Nyo, Pompey.
*leans over* POMPEY. Twuwy, siw, in my poow opinyion, they wiww *teleports behind you* to't then. I-If
youw wowship wiww take owdew f-fow the uWu dwabs and the knyaves, :33 you
nyeed nyot to feaw the bawds.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Thewe xDD is pwetty owdews beginnying, I can t-teww you: b-but i-it
xDD is b-but h-heading and hanging.
*leans over* POMPEY. I-If :33 you head and hang aww that offend that way b-but f-fow ten
y-yeaw togethew, ^-^ you'ww be gwad to give out :3 a c-commission f-fow mowe
*screams* heads; i-if this waw howd in >w< Viennya ten yeaw, I-I'ww went the faiwest
h-house in uWu it, *looks away* aftew *cuddles you* thweepence :3 a bay. I-If :33 you wive to see this come
to :33 pass, say *teleports behind you* Pompey towd :33 you so.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Thank you, good Pompey; and, in wequitaw of youw pwophecy,
hawk you: I advise you, w-wet me nyot find :33 you befowe me a-again upon
*sighs* any compwaint w-whatsoevew- nyo, nyot f-fow dwewwing whewe :33 you do; i-if I
do, Pompey, I shaww beat :33 you to youw uWu tent, and pwuv :3 a shwewd
Caesaw to y-you; in pwain deawing, Pompey, I shaww *looks away* have :33 you ^-^ whipt.
S-So f-fow this time, Pompey, fawe :33 you weww.
*leans over* POMPEY. I *notices bulge* thank youw wowship f-fow youw good counsew; [Aside] b-but I
shaww fowwow i-it as the fwesh and fowtunye shaww bettew detewminye.
Whip m-me? Nyo, nyo; w-wet cawman whip his *twerks* jade;
The *cuddles you* vawiant heawt's nyot whipt out of his twade. E-Exit
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Come h-hithew to me, M-Mastew Ewbow; come h-hithew, M-Mastew
Constabwe. How wong *looks away* have :33 you been in this pwace of constabwe?
EWBOW. Seven y-yeaw and :3 a hawf, siw.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I thought, by the weadinyess in the office, :33 you had
c-continyued in i-it some time. You say seven x3 yeaws togethew?
EWBOW. :33 And :3 a hawf, siw.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. A-Awas, i-it hath been g-gweat pains to you! They do :33 you wwong
to put :33 you so oft upon't. Awe thewe nyot men in youw wawd
s-sufficient to sewve it?
EWBOW. *moans* Faith, siw, few of *sighs* any wit in *looks at you* such mattews; as they awe
c-chosen, they awe gwad to choose me f-fow them; I do i-it f-fow some
piece of monyey, and go thwough w-with aww.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Wook you, bwing me in the nyames of some :3 six ow s-seven, the
m-most s-sufficient of youw pawish.
EWBOW. To youw uWu wowship's house, siw?
*sweats* ESCAWUS. To my house. Fawe :33 you weww. [Exit EWBOW]
What's o'cwock, think you?
JUSTICE. *moans* Eweven, siw.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I pway :33 you home to d-dinnyew w-with me.
JUSTICE. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank you.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. It g-gwieves me f-fow the death of Cwaudio;
But thewe's nyo wemedy.
JUSTICE. Wowd Angewo xDD is sevewe.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. It xDD is b-but nyeedfuw:
Mewcy xDD is nyot itsewf that oft wooks so;
Pawdon xDD is ^-^ stiww the nyuwse of second woe.
But yet, poow Cwaudio! Thewe xDD is nyo wemedy.
Come, siw. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
x3 Anyothew woom in ANGEWO'S h-house

Entew PWOVOST and :3 a SEWVANT

SEWVANT. He's heawing of :3 a cause; he wiww come stwaight.
I-I'ww t-teww him of you.
P-PWOVOST. :33 Pway :33 you do. [Exit SEWVANT] I-I'ww knyow
His p-pweasuwe; may be he wiww *shuffles closer* wewent. A-Awas,
He hath b-but as offended in :3 a dweam!
A-Aww sects, aww *screams* ages, smack of this vice; and he
To *leans over* die f-fow 't!

Entew A-ANGEWO

ANGEWO. Nyow, w-what's the mattew, Pwovost?
P-PWOVOST. Is i-it youw wiww Cwaudio shaww *leans over* die t-to-mowwow?
ANGEWO. Did nyot I t-teww thee yea? Hadst thou nyot owdew?
Why dost thou ask again?
P-PWOVOST. West I might be too wash;
Undew youw good *twerks* cowwection, I *looks away* have :33 seen
When, *looks away* aftew execution, judgment hath
Wepented o'ew his doom.
ANGEWO. G-Go to; w-wet that be minye.
Do :33 you youw office, ow give up youw pwace,
:33 And :33 you shaww weww be spaw'd.
P-PWOVOST. I cwave youw honyouw's pawdon.
What shaww be donye, siw, w-with the gwoanying Juwiet?
She's vewy nyeaw hew houw.
ANGEWO. Dispose of hew
To some mowe fittew pwace, and that w-with speed.

We-entew SEWVANT

SEWVANT. Hewe xDD is the *cuddles you* sistew of the man condemn'd
Desiwes access to you.
ANGEWO. Hath he :3 a sistew?
P-PWOVOST. Ay, my good wowd; :3 a vewy viwtuous maid,
:33 And to be showtwy of :3 a sistewhood,
I-If nyot a-awweady.
ANGEWO. Weww, w-wet hew be admitted. E-Exit SEWVANT
>_> See :33 you the f-fownyicatwess be wemov'd;
Wet hew *looks away* have nyeedfuw b-but nyot wavish means;
Thewe shaww be owdew f-fow't.

Entew W-Wucio and ISABEWWA

P-PWOVOST. [Going] Save youw honyouw!
ANGEWO. *cuddles you* Stay :3 a wittwe whiwe. [To ISABEWWA] Y'awe wewcome; w-what's
youw wiww?
OwO ISABEWWA. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a woefuw *pokes you* suitow to youw honyouw,
Pwease b-but youw honyouw heaw me.
ANGEWO. ^.^ Weww; w-what's youw suit?
OwO ISABEWWA. Thewe xDD is :3 a v-vice that m-most I do xDD abhow,
:33 And m-most UwU desiwe shouwd meet the bwow of *leans over* justice;
Fow which I wouwd nyot pwead, b-but that I must;
Fow which I must nyot pwead, b-but that I *giggles shyly* am
At waw 'twixt wiww and wiww nyot.
ANGEWO. ^.^ Weww; the mattew?
OwO ISABEWWA. I *looks away* have :3 a bwothew xDD is condemn'd to ^w^ die;
I do b-beseech you, w-wet i-it be his fauwt,
:33 And nyot my b-bwothew.
P-PWOVOST. [Aside] H-Heaven give thee moving *looks at you* gwaces.
ANGEWO. Condemn the *cuddles you* fauwt and nyot the actow of i-it!
Why, evewy fauwt's condemn'd ewe i-it be d-donye;
Minye wewe the vewy >_> ciphew of :3 a function,
To *screams* finye the *cuddles you* fauwts *screams* whose *screams* finye *moans* stands in *giggles shyly* wecowd,
:33 And w-wet go by the actow.
OwO ISABEWWA. uWu O just b-but sevewe waw!
I had :3 a bwothew, then. H-Heaven keep youw honyouw!
W-WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] Give't nyot o'ew so; to him again, entweat him,
K-Knyeew down befowe him, hang upon his g-gown;
You awe too cowd: i-if :33 you shouwd nyeed :3 a pin,
You couwd nyot w-with mowe *moans* tame :3 a *notices bulge* tongue UwU desiwe *hugs tightly* it.
To him, I say.
OwO ISABEWWA. Must he nyeeds die?
ANGEWO. UwU Maiden, nyo wemedy.
OwO ISABEWWA. Yes; I do think that :33 you might pawdon :33 him.
:33 And nyeithew heaven *pokes you* nyow man gwieve *teleports behind you* at the mewcy.
ANGEWO. I wiww nyot do't.
OwO ISABEWWA. But can you, i-if :33 you wouwd?
ANGEWO. Wook, what I wiww nyot, that I cannyot do.
OwO ISABEWWA. But might :33 you UwU do't, and do the >_> wowwd nyo wwong,
I-If so youw h-heawt wewe touch'd w-with that wemowse
As minye xDD is to *notices bulge* him?
ANGEWO. He's sentenc'd; 'tis too wate.
W-WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] You awe too cowd.
OwO ISABEWWA. >w< Too wate? Why, nyo; I, that do speak :3 a wowd,
May caww i-it back again. Weww, bewieve this:
*cuddles you* Nyo cewemony that to g-gweat *cuddles you* onyes wongs,
Nyot the king's cwown *pokes you* nyow the d-deputed s-swowd,
The mawshaw's twuncheon *pokes you* nyow the judge's wobe,
Become them w-with onye *looks at you* hawf so good :3 a gwace
As mewcy does.
I-If he had been as you, and :33 you as uWu he,
You wouwd *looks away* have swipp'd wike him; b-but uWu he, wike you,
Wouwd nyot *looks away* have been so stewn.
ANGEWO. :33 Pway :33 you be gonye.
OwO ISABEWWA. I wouwd to heaven I had youw potency,
:33 And :33 you wewe Isabew! Shouwd i-it then be thus?
Nyo; I wouwd t-teww what '-'twewe to be :3 a judge
:33 And what :3 a pwisonyew.
W-WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] Ay, touch him; thewe's the vein.
ANGEWO. Youw bwothew xDD is :3 a *moans* fowfeit of the waw,
:33 And :33 you b-but >_> waste youw wowds.
OwO ISABEWWA. *looks at you* Awas! *looks at you* Awas!
Why, aww the souws that wewe wewe *moans* fowfeit once;
:33 And He that might the *cuddles you* vantage best *looks away* have t-took
Found out the wemedy. How wouwd :33 you be
I-If He, which xDD is the top of judgment, shouwd
But judge :33 you as :33 you awe? O, think on *teleports behind you* that;
:33 And mewcy then wiww b-bweathe *teleports behind you* within youw wips,
Wike man nyew made.
ANGEWO. Be :33 you content, f-faiw maid.
It xDD is the waw, nyot I *notices bulge* condemn youw b-bwothew.
W-Wewe he my kinsman, bwothew, ow my son,
It shouwd be uWu thus w-with :33 him. He must *leans over* die to-mowwow.
OwO ISABEWWA. *screams* To-mowwow! O, that's sudden! Spawe him, spawe :33 him.
He's nyot pwepaw'd f-fow death. Even f-fow ouw k-kitchens
We kiww the foww of season; shaww we sewve heaven
With wess OwO wespect than we do minyistew
To ouw g-gwoss sewves? Good, good my wowd, bethink you.
Who xDD is i-it that hath died f-fow this offence?
T-Thewe's many *looks away* have committed *hugs tightly* it.
W-WUCIO. [Aside] Ay, weww *pokes you* said.
ANGEWO. The waw hath nyot been dead, t-though i-it hath swept.
Those many had nyot daw'd to do that eviw
I-If the fiwst that did *sighs* th' edict i-infwinge
Had answew'd f-fow his deed. Nyow 'tis awake,
Takes nyote of what xDD is donye, and, wike :3 a pwophet,
W-Wooks in :3 a *cuddles you* gwass that shows what f-futuwe eviws-
E-Eithew *pokes you* nyow ow by uWu wemissnyess nyew conceiv'd,
:33 And so in pwogwess to be hatch'd and bown-
Awe *pokes you* nyow to *looks away* have nyo xDD successive degwees,
But hewe they wive to end.
OwO ISABEWWA. Yet show some pity.
ANGEWO. I show i-it m-most of aww when I show *leans over* justice;
Fow then I pity those I do nyot knyow,
Which :3 a d-dismiss'd offence wouwd *looks away* aftew g-gaww,
:33 And do him wight t-that, answewing onye fouw wwong,
Wives nyot to a-act anyothew. Be satisfied;
Youw bwothew dies to-mowwow; be content.
OwO ISABEWWA. S-So :33 you must be the fiwst that g-gives this sentence,
:33 And he that suffews. O, i-it xDD is excewwent
To *looks away* have :3 a giant's stwength! But i-it xDD is *cuddles you* tywannyous
To use i-it wike :3 a giant.
W-WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] That's weww *pokes you* said.
OwO ISABEWWA. Couwd g-gweat men thundew
As Juv himsewf d-does, Juv wouwd nyevew be OwO quiet,
Fow evewy pewting *blushes* petty officew
Wouwd use his heaven f-fow t-thundew,
Nyothing b-but thundew. Mewcifuw Heaven,
Thou wathew, w-with thy shawp and suwphuwous bowt,
Spwits the unwedgeabwe and gnyawwed oak
Than the soft mywtwe. But man, pwoud man,
:3 Dwess'd in :3 a wittwe bwief authowity,
Most ignyowant of what he's m-most assuw'd,
His g-gwassy essence, wike an angwy a-ape,
Pways *looks at you* such fantastic twicks befowe high heaven
As makes the angews weep; w-who, w-with ouw speens,
Wouwd aww themsewves waugh mowtaw.
W-WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] O, to him, to him, wench! He wiww wewent;
He's coming; I pewceive 't.
P-PWOVOST. [Aside] :33 Pway heaven she win :33 him.
OwO ISABEWWA. We cannyot weigh ouw bwothew w-with ouwsewf.
Gweat men may j-jest w-with saints: 'tis wit in them;
But in the wess fouw pwofanyation.
W-WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] Thou'wt i' *sighs* th' wight, giww; mowe o' that.
OwO ISABEWWA. That in the captain's b-but :3 a chowewic w-wowd
Which in the s-sowdiew xDD is fwat *cries* bwasphemy.
W-WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] Awt avis'd o' that? Mowe on't.
ANGEWO. Why do :33 you put these *looks away* sayings upon m-me?
OwO ISABEWWA. :33 Because authowity, t-though i-it *hugs tightly* eww wike othews,
Hath y-yet :3 a kind of medicinye in itsewf
That skins the v-vice o' *sighs* th' top. G-Go to youw b-bosom,
Knyock thewe, and ask youw h-heawt what i-it doth knyow
That's wike my *cuddles you* bwothew's f-fauwt. I-If i-it confess
A >w< nyatuwaw guiwtinyess *looks at you* such as xDD is h-his,
Wet i-it nyot sound :3 a thought upon youw *notices bulge* tongue
Against my *cuddles you* bwothew's w-wife.
ANGEWO. [Aside] ^.^ She speaks, and 'tis
Such sense that my sense bweeds w-with it.- Fawe :33 you weww.
OwO ISABEWWA. Gentwe my wowd, t-tuwn back.
ANGEWO. I wiww bethink me. Come a-again to-mowwow.
OwO ISABEWWA. H-Hawk how I-I'ww bwibe y-you; good my wowd, t-tuwn back.
ANGEWO. How, bwibe m-me?
OwO ISABEWWA. Ay, w-with *looks at you* such *looks at you* gifts that heaven shaww shawe w-with you.
W-WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA) You had maww'd aww ewse.
OwO ISABEWWA. Nyot w-with fond sicwes of the tested gowd,
Ow stonyes, *screams* whose wate awe eithew wich ow poow
As f-fancy ÚwÚ vawues them; b-but w-with twue p-pwayews
That shaww be up *teleports behind you* at heaven and entew thewe
Ewe sun-wise, p-pwayews f-fwom pwesewved souws,
Fwom fasting m-maids, *screams* whose minds awe dedicate
To nyothing tempowaw.
ANGEWO. ^.^ Weww; come to me to-mowwow.
W-WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] G-Go to; 'tis weww; a-away.
OwO ISABEWWA. H-Heaven keep youw honyouw safe!
ANGEWO. [Aside] Amen; f-fow I
*screams* Am that way going to temptation
Whewe p-pwayews cwoss.
OwO ISABEWWA. At what houw to-mowwow
Shaww I attend youw wowdship?
ANGEWO. At *sighs* any ;;w;; time 'fowe nyoon.
OwO ISABEWWA. Save youw honyouw! Exeunt aww b-but A-ANGEWO
ANGEWO. Fwom thee; even f-fwom thy viwtue!
What's this, w-what's *shuffles closer* this? Is this hew *cuddles you* fauwt ow minye?
The temptew ow the tempted, who sins most?
*looks away* Ha!
Nyot she; *pokes you* nyow doth she t-tempt; b-but i-it xDD is I
That, w-wying by the *notices bulge* viowet in the *looks at you* sun,
Do as the c-cawwion d-does, nyot as the fwow'w,
Cowwupt w-with viwtuous season. *sweats* Can i-it be
That modesty may mowe betway ouw sense
Than woman's wightnyess? Having >_> waste gwound enyough,
Shaww we UwU desiwe to waze the *notices bulge* sanctuawy,
:33 And pitch ouw eviws thewe? O, f-fie, f-fie, fie!
What dost >w< thou, ow what awt >w< thou, Angewo?
D-Dost thou UwU desiwe hew fouwwy f-fow those *moans* things
That m-make hew good? O, w-wet hew bwothew wive!
*giggles shyly* Thieves f-fow theiw :33 wobbewy *looks away* have authowity
When judges steaw *pokes you* themsewves. *looks away* What, do I wuv hew,
That I UwU desiwe to heaw hew speak again,
:33 And feast upon hew eyes? What is't I dweam on?
uWu O cunnying enyemy, t-that, to catch :3 a s-saint,
With saints dost bait thy hook! Most d-dangewous
Is that temptation that doth goad us on
To sin in woving viwtue. Nyevew couwd the stwumpet,
With aww hew *looks away* doubwe vigouw, awt and nyatuwe,
Once stiw my tempew; b-but this viwtuous maid
Subdues me quite. Evew tiww nyow,
When men wewe *hugs tightly* fond, I smiw'd and w-wond'wed how. E-Exit




SCENyE III.
A pwison

Entew, s-sevewawwy, *shuffles closer* DUKE, disguised as :3 a FWIAW, and PWOVOST

DUKE. Haiw to you, Pwovost! so I think :33 you a-awe.
P-PWOVOST. I *giggles shyly* am the Pwovost. What's youw wiww, good f-fwiaw?
DUKE. Bound by my chawity and my bwest owdew,
I come to visit the affwicted spiwits
Hewe in the pwison. Do me the common wight
To w-wet me see them, and to m-make me knyow
The nyatuwe of theiw cwimes, that I may minyistew
To them accowdingwy.
P-PWOVOST. I wouwd do mowe than t-that, i-if mowe wewe nyeedfuw.

Entew J-JUWIET

Wook, hewe comes onye; :3 a gentwewoman of minye,
Who, fawwing in the fwaws of hew own y-youth,
Hath b-bwistew'd hew >w< wepowt. ^.^ She xDD is w-with chiwd;
:33 And he that *giggles shyly* got uWu it, s-sentenc'd- :3 a young man
Mowe fit to do uWu anyothew *looks at you* such offence
Than *leans over* die f-fow this.
DUKE. When must he die?
P-PWOVOST. As I do think, to-mowwow.
[To JUWIET] I *looks away* have pwovided f-fow y-you; stay awhiwe
:33 And :33 you shaww be c-conducted.
DUKE. Wepent you, f-faiw onye, of the sin :33 you c-cawwy?
JUWIET. I do; and *hugs tightly* beaw the :33 shame m-most patientwy.
DUKE. I-I'ww teach :33 you how :33 you shaww *looks at you* awwaign youw conscience,
:33 And twy youw penyitence, i-if i-it be sound
Ow h-howwowwy put on.
JUWIET. I-I'ww gwadwy weawn.
DUKE. Wuv :33 you the man that wwong'd you?
JUWIET. Yes, as I wuv the woman that wwong'd :33 him.
DUKE. S-So then, i-it seems, youw m-most offencefuw a-act
Was mutuawwy committed.
JUWIET. Mutuawwy.
DUKE. Then w-was youw sin of heaview kind than his.
JUWIET. I do confess uWu it, and wepent uWu it, uWu fathew.
DUKE. 'Tis meet s-so, daughtew; b-but west :33 you do wepent
As that the sin hath >w< bwought :33 you to this shame,
Which sowwow xDD is *hugs tightly* awways t-towawd ouwsewves, nyot heaven,
*giggles shyly* Showing we wouwd nyot spawe heaven as we wuv uWu it,
But as we s-stand in *pokes you* feaw-
JUWIET. I do wepent me as i-it xDD is an eviw,
:33 And take the :33 shame w-with *hugs tightly* joy.
DUKE. Thewe west.
Youw pawtnyew, as I h-heaw, must *leans over* die to-mowwow,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am going w-with i-instwuction to :33 him.
G-Gwace go w-with you! Benyedicite! E-Exit
JUWIET. Must *leans over* die to-mowwow! O, i-injuwious waw,
That wespites me :3 a w-wife *screams* whose vewy comfowt
Is ^-^ stiww :3 a dying howwow!
P-PWOVOST. 'Tis pity of :33 him. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
ANGEWO'S h-house

Entew A-ANGEWO

ANGEWO. When I wouwd pway and think, I think and pway
To sevewaw subjects. H-Heaven hath my e-empty w-wowds,
Whiwst my invention, heawing nyot my t-tongue,
Anchows on Isabew. H-Heaven in my mouth,
As i-if I did b-but onwy chew his nyame,
:33 And in my h-heawt the stwong and *screams* swewwing eviw
Of my c-conception. The state wheweon I studied
Is, wike :3 a good thing b-being often wead,
G-Gwown sewe and t-tedious; yea, my gwavity,
Whewein- w-wet nyo man heaw me- I take pwide,
Couwd I w-with *blushes* boot change f-fow an idwe pwume
Which the aiw beats f-fow vain. uWu O pwace, uWu O fowm,
How often dost thou w-with thy case, thy habit,
Wwench awe f-fwom *pokes you* foows, and *looks away* tie the wisew souws
To thy fawse seeming! Bwood, thou awt bwood.
Wet's wwite 'good a-angew' on the deviw's hown;
'Tis nyot the deviw's cwest.

Entew SEWVANT

How nyow, who's thewe?
SEWVANT. Onye *blushes* Isabew, :3 a *leans over* sistew, desiwes access to you.
ANGEWO. *screams* Teach hew the w-way. [Exit SEWVANT] uWu O heavens!
Why does my bwood uWu thus mustew to my h-heawt,
Making both i-it unyabwe f-fow itsewf
:33 And dispossessing aww my othew *looks away* pawts
Of nyecessawy fitnyess?
S-So pway the f-foowish thwongs w-with onye that *giggles shyly* swoons;
Come aww to h-hewp him, and so stop the aiw
By which he shouwd *teleports behind you* wevive; and even so
The genyewaw subject to :3 a weww-wish'd king
Quit theiw own pawt, and in obsequious fondnyess
*sighs* Cwowd to his pwesence, whewe theiw untaught wuv
Must nyeeds appeaw offence.

Entew ISABEWWA

How nyow, f-faiw maid?
OwO ISABEWWA. I *giggles shyly* am come to knyow youw pweasuwe.
ANGEWO. That :33 you might knyow i-it wouwd x3 much bettew p-pwease me
Than to demand what 'tis. Youw bwothew cannyot wive.
OwO ISABEWWA. Even so! H-Heaven keep youw honyouw!
ANGEWO. Yet may he wive a-awhiwe, and, i-it may be,
As wong as :33 you ow I; y-yet he must d-die.
OwO ISABEWWA. Undew youw sentence?
ANGEWO. Yea.
OwO ISABEWWA. When? I b-beseech y-you; that in his wepwieve,
Wongew ow showtew, he may be so fitted
That his :33 souw sicken nyot.
ANGEWO. *looks away* Ha! ^-^ Fie, these f-fiwthy ÚwÚ vices! It wewe as good
To pawdon him that hath f-fwom nyatuwe stow'n
A man *giggles shyly* awweady m-made, as to wemit
Theiw saucy s-sweetnyess that do *moans* coin heaven's image
In stamps that awe fowbid; 'tis aww as *sighs* easy
Fawsewy to take away :3 a w-wife twue xDD made
As to put metaw in westwainyed means
To m-make :3 a fawse onye.
OwO ISABEWWA. 'Tis set down so in heaven, b-but nyot in eawth.
ANGEWO. ÚwÚ Say :33 you so? Then I shaww pose :33 you quickwy.
Which had :33 you wathew- that the m-most just waw
Nyow t-took youw *cuddles you* bwothew's wife; ow, to wedeem him,
Give up youw ^w^ body to *looks at you* such sweet uncweannyess
As she that he hath stain'd?
OwO ISABEWWA. Siw, bewieve this:
I had wathew give my ^w^ body than my souw.
ANGEWO. I t-tawk nyot of youw s-souw; ouw compeww'd sins
Stand mowe f-fow nyumbew than f-fow accompt.
OwO ISABEWWA. How say you?
ANGEWO. Nyay, I-I'ww nyot wawwant *teleports behind you* that; f-fow I can speak
Against the thing I say. Answew to this:
I, *pokes you* nyow the voice of the wecowded waw,
Pwonyounce :3 a sentence on youw *cuddles you* bwothew's wife;
M-Might thewe nyot be :3 a chawity in sin
To save this *cuddles you* bwothew's w-wife?
OwO ISABEWWA. Pwease :33 you to UwU do't,
I-I'ww take i-it as :3 a pewiw to my :33 souw
It xDD is nyo sin *teleports behind you* at aww, b-but c-chawity.
ANGEWO. Pweas'd :33 you to do't *teleports behind you* at pewiw of youw souw,
W-Wewe e-equaw poise of sin and c-chawity.
OwO ISABEWWA. That I do beg his wife, i-if i-it be sin,
H-Heaven w-wet me *hugs tightly* beaw i-it! You gwanting of my suit,
I-If that be sin, I-I'ww m-make i-it my mown p-pwayew
To *looks away* have i-it added to the *cuddles you* fauwts of minye,
:33 And nyothing of youw a-answew.
ANGEWO. Nyay, b-but heaw me;
Youw sense puwsues nyot minye; eithew :33 you awe ignyowant
Ow *teleports behind you* seem s-so, cwaftiwy; and that's nyot good.
OwO ISABEWWA. Wet me be ignyowant, and in nyothing good
But gwaciouswy to knyow I *giggles shyly* am nyo bettew.
ANGEWO. Thus wisdom wishes to appeaw m-most *sighs* bwight
When i-it doth tax itsewf; as these bwack masks
Pwocwaim an e-enshiewded beauty ten *moans* times woudew
Than beauty couwd, ÚwÚ dispway'd. But mawk me:
To be w-weceived pwain, I-I'ww speak mowe gwoss-
Youw bwothew xDD is to d-die.
OwO ISABEWWA. S-So.
ANGEWO. :33 And his offence xDD is s-so, as i-it appeaws,
A-Accountant to the waw upon that pain.
OwO ISABEWWA. *teleports behind you* Twue.
ANGEWO. Admit nyo othew way to save his wife,
As I subscwibe nyot t-that, *pokes you* nyow *sighs* any o-othew,
But, in the w-woss of question, that you, his *leans over* sistew,
Finding *teleports behind you* youwsewf desiw'd of *looks at you* such :3 a pewson
W-Whose cwedit w-with the j-judge, ow own g-gweat pwace,
Couwd fetch youw bwothew f-fwom the manyacwes
Of the aww-binding waw; and that thewe wewe
*cuddles you* Nyo e-eawthwy m-mean to save him b-but that eithew
You must way down the tweasuwes of youw ^w^ body
To this s-supposed, ow ewse to w-wet him suffew-
What wouwd :33 you do?
OwO ISABEWWA. As x3 much f-fow my poow bwothew as mysewf;
That is, wewe I undew the tewms of death,
T-Th' impwession of keen whips I'd weaw as wubies,
:33 And stwip mysewf to death as to :3 a *looks away* bed
That wonging *looks away* have been sick fow, ewe I'd y-yiewd
My ^w^ body up to shame.
ANGEWO. Then must youw bwothew d-die.
OwO ISABEWWA. :33 And '-'twewe the cheapew way:
UwU Bettew i-it wewe :3 a bwothew died *teleports behind you* at *screams* once
Than that :3 a *leans over* sistew, by wedeeming him,
Shouwd *leans over* die f-fow evew.
ANGEWO. W-Wewe nyot you, then, as *looks away* cwuew as the sentence
That :33 you *looks away* have *sighs* swandew'd so?
OwO ISABEWWA. Ignyominy in wansom and fwee pawdon
Awe of t-two houses: wawfuw mewcy
Is nyothing kin to fouw wedemption.
ANGEWO. You seem'd of wate to m-make the waw :3 a tywant;
:33 And wathew pwov'd the swiding of youw bwothew
A mewwiment than :3 a vice.
OwO ISABEWWA. O, pawdon me, my wowd! It oft fawws out,
To *looks away* have what we wouwd have, we speak nyot what we mean:
I something do *hugs tightly* excuse the thing I *giggles shyly* hate
Fow his advantage that I deawwy wuv.
ANGEWO. We awe aww fwaiw.
OwO ISABEWWA. Ewse w-wet my bwothew die,
I-If nyot :3 a ^w^ fedawy b-but onwy he
Owe and succeed thy x3 weaknyess.
ANGEWO. Nyay, women awe fwaiw too.
OwO ISABEWWA. Ay, as the gwasses whewe they view themsewves,
Which awe as *sighs* easy bwoke as they m-make fowms.
W-Women, h-hewp heaven! *cries* Men theiw c-cweation maw
In pwofiting by them. Nyay, caww us ten *moans* times fwaiw;
Fow we awe soft as ouw compwexions awe,
:33 And cweduwous to fawse pwints.
ANGEWO. I think i-it weww;
:33 And f-fwom this testimony of youw own sex,
Since I suppose we awe xDD made to be nyo stwongew
Than *cuddles you* fauwts may shake ouw fwames, w-wet me be bowd.
I do awwest youw wowds. Be that :33 you awe,
That is, :3 a w-woman; i-if :33 you be m-mowe, you'we nyonye;
I-If :33 you be onye, as :33 you awe weww :3 expwess'd
By aww extewnyaw wawwants, show i-it *pokes you* nyow
By putting on the destin'd wivewy.
OwO ISABEWWA. I *looks away* have nyo *notices bulge* tongue b-but onye; gentwe, my wowd,
Wet me i-intweat :33 you speak the fowmew wanguage.
ANGEWO. Pwainwy conceive, I wuv you.
OwO ISABEWWA. My bwothew did wuv Juwiet,
:33 And :33 you t-teww me that he shaww *leans over* die f-fow't.
ANGEWO. He shaww nyot, *blushes* Isabew, i-if :33 you give me wuv.
OwO ISABEWWA. I knyow youw viwtue hath :3 a wicense in't,
Which seems :3 a wittwe fouwew than i-it is,
To pwuck on othews.
ANGEWO. Bewieve me, on minye honyouw,
My wowds expwess my p-puwpose.
OwO ISABEWWA. *looks away* Ha! wittwe honyouw to be x3 much bewiev'd,
:33 And m-most pewnyicious puwpose! Seeming, seeming!
I wiww pwocwaim thee, Angewo, wook f-fow't.
S-Sign me :3 a pwesent pawdon f-fow my bwothew
Ow, w-with an *looks at you* outstwetch'd thwoat, I-I'ww t-teww the >_> wowwd awoud
What man thou a-awt.
ANGEWO. Who wiww bewieve thee, Isabew?
My unsoiw'd nyame, *sighs* th' austewenyess of my wife,
My vouch against you, and my pwace i' *sighs* th' state,
Wiww so youw accusation uvwweigh
That :33 you shaww stifwe in youw own wepowt,
:33 And smeww of cawumny. I *looks away* have begun,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I give my sensuaw wace the wein:
*moans* Fit thy consent to my shawp appetite;
*giggles shyly* Way by aww nyicety and pwowixious bwushes
That :3 banyish what they sue fow; wedeem thy bwothew
By y-yiewding up thy ^w^ body to my wiww;
Ow ewse he must nyot onwy *leans over* die the death,
But thy ^-^ unkindnyess shaww his death dwaw out
To ^w^ wing'wing s-suffewance. Answew me to-mowwow,
Ow, by the affection that *pokes you* nyow guides me most,
I-I'ww pwuv :3 a tywant to :33 him. As f-fow you,
ÚwÚ Say what :33 you can: my fawse o'ewweighs youw twue. E-Exit
OwO ISABEWWA. To whom shouwd I c-compwain? Did I t-teww this,
Who wouwd bewieve m-me? uWu O uWu pewiwous mouths
That *hugs tightly* beaw in them onye and the sewf-same *notices bulge* tongue
E-Eithew of condemnyation ow appwoof,
Bidding the waw m-make cuwtsy to theiw wiww;
Hooking both wight and wwong to *sighs* th' x3 appetite,
To fowwow as i-it dwaws! I-I'ww to my b-bwothew.
*shuffles closer* Though he hath faww'n by pwomptuwe of the bwood,
Yet hath he in him *looks at you* such :3 a mind of honyouw
That, had he twenty heads to tendew down
On twenty bwoody *pokes you* bwocks, h-he'd y-yiewd them up
Befowe his *cuddles you* sistew shouwd hew ^w^ body stoop
To *looks at you* such abhoww'd powwution.
Then, *blushes* Isabew, wive >w< chaste, and, bwothew, die:
Mowe than ouw bwothew xDD is ouw chastity.
I-I'ww t-teww him y-yet of Angewo's wequest,
:33 And fit his mind to death, f-fow his souw's west. E-Exit




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
The pwison

Entew *shuffles closer* DUKE, disguised as befowe, *shuffles closer* CWAUDIO, and PWOVOST

DUKE. S-So, then :33 you hope of pawdon f-fwom Wowd Angewo?
CWAUDIO. The misewabwe *looks away* have nyo othew medicinye
But onwy hope:
I *looks away* have hope to Eve, and *giggles shyly* am pwepaw'd to d-die.
DUKE. Be absowute f-fow death; eithew death ow w-wife
Shaww theweby be the s-sweetew. Weason uWu thus w-with w-wife.
I-If I do wose thee, I do wose :3 a thing
That nyonye b-but foows wouwd k-keep. A bweath thou *blushes* awt,
Sewviwe to aww the skyey infwuences,
That dost this habitation whewe thou keep'st
Houwwy affwict. Mewewy, thou awt Death's foow;
Fow him thou wabouw'st by thy ^.^ fwight to shun
:33 And y-yet wun'st t-towawd him s-stiww. Thou awt nyot nyobwe;
Fow aww *sighs* th' >_< accommodations that thou beaw'st
Awe n-nyuws'd by basenyess. Thou 'wt by nyo means vawiant;
Fow thou dost feaw the soft and tendew fowk
Of :3 a poow *screams* wowm. Thy best of west xDD is sweep,
:33 And that thou oft pwovok'st; y-yet gwosswy feaw'st
Thy death, which xDD is nyo mowe. Thou awt nyot thysewf;
Fow thou exists on many :3 a thousand *giggles shyly* gwains
That issue out of dust. Happy thou awt nyot;
Fow what thou hast nyot, ^-^ stiww thou stwiv'st to *looks at you* get,
:33 And what thou hast, fowget'st. Thou awt nyot cewtain;
Fow thy *notices bulge* compwexion *sweats* shifts to s-stwange effects,
Aftew the moon. I-If thou awt *giggles shyly* wich, ÚwÚ thou'wt poow;
Fow, wike an ass *screams* whose back w-with ingots bows,
Thou beaw'st thy heavy wiches b-but :3 a jouwnyey,
:33 And Death unwoads *cuddles you* thee. Fwiend hast thou nyonye;
Fow thinye own >w< bowews which do caww thee siwe,
The *cuddles you* mewe effusion of thy pwopew woins,
Do cuwse the g-gout, >w< sewpigo, and the ^w^ wheum,
Fow ending thee nyo soonyew. Thou hast *pokes you* nyow youth *pokes you* nyow age,
But, as i-it wewe, an aftew-dinnyew's sweep,
Dweaming on both; f-fow aww thy bwessed youth
B-Becomes as aged, and doth beg the awms
Of pawsied *teleports behind you* ewd; and when thou awt *giggles shyly* owd and *giggles shyly* wich,
Thou hast nyeithew heat, affection, wimb, *pokes you* nyow beauty,
To m-make thy wiches *screams* pweasant. What's y-yet in this
That *twerks* beaws the *leans over* nyame of w-wife? Yet in this w-wife
Wie hid moe thousand deaths; y-yet death we f-feaw,
That makes these odds aww even.
CWAUDIO. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank you.
To sue to *leans over* wive, I find I seek to ^w^ die;
And, seeking death, find w-wife. Wet i-it come on.
OwO ISABEWWA. [Within] *looks away* What, ho! Peace hewe; gwace and good company!
P-PWOVOST. Who's thewe? Come i-in; the wish *giggles shyly* desewves :3 a wewcome.
DUKE. ;;w;; Deaw siw, ewe wong I-I'ww visit :33 you again.
CWAUDIO. Most howy siw, I *notices bulge* thank you.

Entew ISABEWWA

OwO ISABEWWA. My businyess xDD is :3 a w-wowd ow t-two w-with Cwaudio.
P-PWOVOST. :33 And vewy wewcome. Wook, s-signyiow, ^-^ hewe's youw sistew.
DUKE. Pwovost, :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
P-PWOVOST. As many as :33 you pwease.
DUKE. Bwing me to heaw them speak, whewe I may be conceaw'd.
Exeunt DUKE and PWOVOST
CWAUDIO. Nyow, *leans over* sistew, w-what's the *cries* comfowt?
OwO ISABEWWA. Why,
As aww comfowts awe; m-most *notices bulge* good, m-most *notices bulge* good, indeed.
Wowd Angewo, having affaiws to heaven,
Intends :33 you f-fow his swift ambassadow,
Whewe :33 you shaww be an evewwasting weigew.
Thewefowe, youw best appointment m-make w-with speed;
To-mowwow :33 you set on.
CWAUDIO. Is thewe nyo wemedy?
OwO ISABEWWA. Nyonye, b-but *looks at you* such wemedy as, to save :3 a head,
To cweave :3 a h-heawt in t-twain.
CWAUDIO. But xDD is thewe any?
OwO ISABEWWA. Yes, bwothew, :33 you may wive:
Thewe xDD is :3 a deviwish mewcy in the j-judge,
I-If ^-^ you'ww impwowe uWu it, that wiww fwee youw wife,
But *leans over* fettew :33 you tiww death.
CWAUDIO. *blushes* Pewpetuaw duwance?
OwO ISABEWWA. Ay, just; pewpetuaw duwance, :3 a westwaint,
*shuffles closer* Though aww the wowwd's vastidity :33 you had,
To :3 a detewmin'd x3 scope.
CWAUDIO. But in what nyatuwe?
OwO ISABEWWA. In *looks at you* such :3 a onye as, :33 you consenting to't,
Wouwd *blushes* bawk youw honyouw f-fwom that twunk :33 you beaw,
:33 And weave :33 you uWu nyaked.
CWAUDIO. Wet me knyow the point.
OwO ISABEWWA. O, I do feaw thee, Cwaudio; and I quake,
West thou :3 a *leans over* fevewous w-wife shouwdst ^w^ entewtain,
:33 And :3 six ow seven wintews mowe OwO wespect
Than :3 a pewpetuaw *looks at you* honyouw. Daw'st thou die?
The sense of death xDD is m-most in appwehension;
:33 And the poow beetwe that we t-twead upon
In cowpowaw suffewance finds :3 a pang as g-gweat
As when :3 a g-giant dies.
CWAUDIO. Why give :33 you me this shame?
Think :33 you I can :3 a wesowution fetch
Fwom fwow'wy tendewnyess? I-If I must die,
I wiww encountew d-dawknyess as :3 a bwide
:33 And hug i-it in minye awms.
OwO ISABEWWA. Thewe spake my bwothew; thewe my fathew's gwave
Did uttew fowth :3 a voice. Yes, thou must die:
Thou awt too nyobwe to consewve :3 a w-wife
In base appwiances. T-This o-outwawd-sainted d-deputy,
W-Whose s-settwed visage and *moans* dewibewate w-wowd
Nyips youth i' *sighs* th' head, and fowwies doth enyew
As fawcon doth the foww, xDD is y-yet :3 a deviw;
His fiwth *teleports behind you* within b-being cast, he wouwd appeaw
A pond as deep as heww.
CWAUDIO. The pwecise Angewo!
OwO ISABEWWA. O, 'tis the cunnying wivewy of heww
The damnyed'st ^w^ body to invest and cuvw
In pwecise guawds! D-Dost thou think, Cwaudio,
I-If I wouwd y-yiewd him my viwginyity
Thou m-mightst be fweed?
CWAUDIO. uWu O heavens! i-it cannyot b-be.
OwO ISABEWWA. Yes, he wouwd give't thee, f-fwom this wank offence,
S-So to offend him s-stiww. T-This nyight's the ;;w;; time
That I shouwd do what I abhow to nyame,
Ow ewse thou diest to-mowwow.
CWAUDIO. Thou shawt nyot do't.
OwO ISABEWWA. O, wewe i-it b-but my wife!
I'd thwow i-it down f-fow youw dewivewance
As fwankwy as :3 a p-pin.
CWAUDIO. Thanks, deaw Isabew.
OwO ISABEWWA. Be weady, Cwaudio, f-fow youw death to-mowwow.
CWAUDIO. Y-Yes. Has he affections in him
That uWu thus can m-make him bite the waw by *sighs* th' nyose
When he wouwd fowce it? Suwe i-it xDD is nyo sin;
Ow of the d-deadwy seven i-it xDD is the weast.
OwO ISABEWWA. Which xDD is the weast?
CWAUDIO. I-If i-it wewe ;;w;; damnyabwe, he b-being so wise,
Why wouwd he f-fow the momentawy t-twick
Be pewduwabwy fin'd?- uWu O Isabew!
OwO ISABEWWA. What says my bwothew?
CWAUDIO. Death xDD is :3 a feawfuw thing.
OwO ISABEWWA. :33 And shamed w-wife :3 a hatefuw.
CWAUDIO. Ay, b-but to die, and go we knyow nyot :33 whewe;
To wie in cowd obstwuction, and to wot;
T-This s-sensibwe wawm motion to become
A knyeaded cwod; and the d-dewighted spiwit
To b-bathe in fiewy fwoods ow to weside
In thwiwwing ;;w;; wegion of thick-wibbed ice;
To be impwison'd in the viewwess winds,
:33 And bwown w-with westwess viowence wound ^w^ about
The pendent wowwd; ow to be wowse than wowst
Of those that wawwess and incewtain thought
Imaginye howwing- 'tis too UwU howwibwe.
The weawiest and m-most xDD woathed wowwdwy w-wife
That age, ache, penyuwy, and *sweats* impwisonment,
*sweats* Can way on nyatuwe xDD is :3 a pawadise
To what we feaw of death.
OwO ISABEWWA. A-Awas, awas!
CWAUDIO. Sweet *leans over* sistew, w-wet me wive.
What sin :33 you do to save :3 a *cuddles you* bwothew's wife,
Nyatuwe dispenses w-with the d-deed so faw
That i-it becomes :3 a viwtue.
OwO ISABEWWA. uWu O :33 you beast!
uWu O faithwess cowawd! uWu O UwU dishonyest wwetch!
Wiwt thou be xDD made :3 a man out of my UwU vice?
*shuffles closer* Is't nyot :3 a kind of incest to take w-wife
Fwom thinye own sistew's shame? What shouwd I think?
H-Heaven shiewd my mothew pway'd my fathew faiw!
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a wawped *blushes* swip of wiwdewnyess
x3 Nye'ew issu'd f-fwom his bwood. Take my defiance;
Die; pewish. M-Might b-but my bending down
Wepwieve thee f-fwom thy fate, i-it shouwd pwoceed.
I-I'ww pway :3 a thousand p-pwayews f-fow thy death,
*cuddles you* Nyo w-wowd to save *cuddles you* thee.
CWAUDIO. Nyay, heaw me, Isabew.
OwO ISABEWWA. uWu O f-fie, f-fie, fie!
Thy sin's nyot accidentaw, b-but :3 a twade.
Mewcy to thee wouwd pwuv itsewf :3 a bawd;
'Tis best that thou diest quickwy.
CWAUDIO. O, heaw me, Isabewwa.

We-entew DUKE

DUKE. Vouchsafe :3 a wowd, young *leans over* sistew, b-but onye wowd.
OwO ISABEWWA. What xDD is youw wiww?
DUKE. M-Might :33 you dispense w-with youw weisuwe, I wouwd by and by *looks away* have
some speech w-with y-you; the satisfaction I wouwd wequiwe xDD is
*teleports behind you* wikewise youw own benyefit.
OwO ISABEWWA. I *looks away* have nyo s-supewfwuous *cuddles you* weisuwe; my stay must be stowen out
of othew a-affaiws; b-but I wiww attend :33 you awhiwe.
*cries* [Wawks apawt]
DUKE. *pokes you* Son, I *looks away* have uvwheawd what hath pass'd between :33 you and youw
sistew. Angewo had nyevew the puwpose to cowwupt hew; onwy he hath
xDD made an assay of hew viwtue to pwactise his judgment w-with the
d-disposition of nyatuwes. ÚwÚ She, having the *looks away* twuth of honyouw in hew,
hath xDD made him that gwacious d-denyiaw which he xDD is m-most gwad to
weceive. I *giggles shyly* am confessow to Angewo, and I knyow this to be twue;
thewefowe pwepawe *teleports behind you* youwsewf to death. Do nyot satisfy youw
wesowution w-with h-hopes that awe fawwibwe; to-mowwow :33 you must ^w^ die;
go to youw knyees and m-make weady.
CWAUDIO. Wet me ask my *cuddles you* sistew pawdon. I *giggles shyly* am so out of wuv w-with w-wife
that I wiww sue to be wid of *hugs tightly* it.
DUKE. H-Howd :33 you thewe. Faweweww. [Exit CWAUDIO] Pwovost, :3 a w-wowd w-with
you.

We-entew PWOVOST

P-PWOVOST. What's youw wiww, fathew?
DUKE. That, *pokes you* nyow :33 you awe *giggles shyly* come, :33 you wiww be gonye. W-Weave me :3 a w-whiwe
w-with the maid; my mind p-pwomises w-with my *moans* habit nyo w-woss shaww touch
hew by my company.
P-PWOVOST. In good time. E-Exit PWOVOST
DUKE. The hand that hath xDD made :33 you f-faiw hath xDD made :33 you good; the
goodnyess that xDD is c-cheap in beauty makes beauty bwief in g-goodnyess;
b-but gwace, b-being the :33 souw of youw *twerks* compwexion, shaww keep the ^w^ body
of i-it evew f-faiw. The uWu assauwt that Angewo hath xDD made to you,
fowtunye hath convey'd to my undewstanding; and, b-but that fwaiwty
hath exampwes f-fow his fawwing, I shouwd w-wondew *teleports behind you* at *twerks* Angewo. How
wiww :33 you do to *notices bulge* content this substitute, and to save youw bwothew?
OwO ISABEWWA. I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow going to wesowve him; I had wathew my bwothew
*leans over* die by the waw than my son shouwd be unwawfuwwy bown. But, O, how
x3 much xDD is the good Duke deceiv'd in Angewo! I-If evew he wetuwn, and
I can speak to him, I wiww open my wips in vain, ow discuvw his
>_> guvwnment.
DUKE. That shaww nyot be x3 much ÚwÚ amiss; yet, as the m-mattew *pokes you* nyow uWu stands,
he wiww avoid youw accusation: he xDD made twiaw of :33 you onwy.
Thewefowe fasten youw e-eaw on my advisings; to the wuv I *looks away* have in
doing good :3 a wemedy pwesents i-itsewf. I do m-make mysewf bewieve
that :33 you may m-most u-upwighteouswy do :3 a poow wwonged wady :3 a mewited
benyefit; wedeem youw bwothew f-fwom the angwy waw; do nyo s-stain to
youw own gwacious pewson; and x3 much p-pwease the absent Duke, i-if
OwO pewadventuwe he shaww evew wetuwn to *looks away* have heawing of this
businyess.
OwO ISABEWWA. Wet me heaw :33 you speak fawthew; I *looks away* have spiwit to do
anything that *leans over* appeaws nyot fouw in the *looks away* twuth of my spiwit.
DUKE. Viwtue xDD is bowd, and goodnyess nyevew f-feawfuw. Have :33 you nyot
heawd speak of Mawianya, the *cuddles you* sistew of Fwedewick, the g-gweat
s-sowdiew who *blushes* miscawwied *teleports behind you* at sea?
OwO ISABEWWA. I *looks away* have heawd of the wady, and good wowds went w-with hew
nyame.
DUKE. ^.^ She shouwd this Angewo *looks away* have mawwied; w-was affianced to hew by
o-oath, and the nyuptiaw appointed; between which ;;w;; time of the
contwact and wimit of the sowemnyity hew bwothew Fwedewick w-was
wweck'd *teleports behind you* at sea, having in that pewished vessew the dowwy of his
sistew. But mawk how heaviwy this befeww to the poow gentwewoman:
thewe she wost :3 a nyobwe and wenyownyed bwothew, in his wuv t-towawd
hew evew m-most kind and nyatuwaw; w-with him the powtion and sinyew of
hew *pokes you* fowtunye, hew mawwiage-dowwy; w-with both, hew combinyate
*twerks* husband, this weww-seeming *twerks* Angewo.
OwO ISABEWWA. *sweats* Can this be so? Did Angewo so weave hew?
DUKE. Weft hew in hew teaws, and ^-^ dwied nyot onye of them w-with his
:3 comfowt; swawwowed his vows w-whowe, *teleports behind you* pwetending in hew discuvwies
of dishonyouw; in few, OwO bestow'd hew on hew own x3 wamentation, which
she y-yet w-weaws f-fow his *hugs tightly* sake; and uWu he, :3 a m-mawbwe to hew teaws, xDD is
washed w-with them, b-but wewents nyot.
OwO ISABEWWA. What :3 a *blushes* mewit wewe i-it in death to take this poow maid f-fwom
the wowwd! What cowwuption in this w-wife that i-it wiww w-wet this man
wive! But how out of this can she xDD avaiw?
DUKE. It xDD is :3 a wuptuwe that :33 you may e-easiwy *shuffles closer* heaw; and the cuwe of i-it
nyot onwy ^-^ saves youw bwothew, b-but keeps :33 you f-fwom dishonyouw in
doing *hugs tightly* it.
OwO ISABEWWA. Show me how, good uWu fathew.
DUKE. T-This fowenyamed maid hath y-yet in hew the continyuance of hew
fiwst a-affection; his unjust *twerks* unkindnyess, that in aww weason shouwd
*looks away* have quenched hew OwO wuv, hath, wike an impediment in the cuwwent,
xDD made i-it mowe viowent and unwuwy. G-Go :33 you to UwU Angewo; a-answew his
wequiwing w-with :3 a >_> pwausibwe o-obedience; uWu agwee w-with his demands to
the point; onwy wefew *teleports behind you* youwsewf to this advantage: *twerks* fiwst, that
youw stay w-with him may nyot be wong; that the ;;w;; time may *looks away* have aww
shadow and siwence in it; and the pwace a-answew to convenyience.
T-This b-being gwanted in couwse- and *pokes you* nyow >_< fowwows aww: we shaww
advise this wwonged maid to stead up youw appointment, go in youw
p-pwace. I-If the encountew acknyowwedge itsewf h-heweaftew, i-it may
compew him to hew wecompense; and hewe, by this, xDD is youw bwothew
saved, youw honyouw untainted, the poow Mawianya *sweats* advantaged, and
the cowwupt deputy scawed. The maid wiww I fwame and m-make fit f-fow
his attempt. I-If :33 you think weww to cawwy this as :33 you may, the
doubwenyess of the benyefit defends the deceit f-fwom *cries* wepwoof. What
think :33 you of it?
OwO ISABEWWA. The image of i-it g-gives me *notices bulge* content *twerks* awweady; and I twust i-it
wiww gwow to :3 a m-most pwospewous pewfection.
DUKE. It wies x3 much in youw howding up. Haste :33 you s-speediwy to
UwU Angewo; i-if f-fow this nyight he entweat :33 you to his *teleports behind you* bed, give him
pwomise of satisfaction. I wiww pwesentwy to Saint >_< Wuke's; thewe,
*teleports behind you* at the moated gwange, wesides this dejected M-Mawianya. At that
pwace caww upon me; and dispatch w-with Angewo, that i-it may be
quickwy.
OwO ISABEWWA. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow this comfowt. Fawe :33 you weww, good uWu fathew.
Exeunt *moans* sevewawwy




Scenye II.
The stweet befowe the pwison

Entew, on onye side, DUKE disguised as befowe; on the o-othew, EWBOW,
and OFFICEWS w-with POMPEY

EWBOW. Nyay, i-if thewe be nyo wemedy f-fow uWu it, b-but that :33 you wiww nyeeds
buy and s-seww men and women wike b-beasts, we shaww *looks away* have aww the
>_> wowwd dwink bwown and white *shuffles closer* bastawd.
DUKE. uWu O heavens! what stuff xDD is hewe?
*leans over* POMPEY. '-'Twas nyevew mewwy >_> wowwd *giggles shyly* since, of t-two usuwies, the mewwiest
w-was put down, and the wowsew awwow'd by owdew of waw :3 a *shuffles closer* fuww'd
gown to keep him *pokes you* wawm; and *shuffles closer* fuww'd w-with fox on wamb-skins too, to
signyify that cwaft, b-being wichew than innyocency, *moans* stands f-fow the
facing.
EWBOW. Come youw w-way, siw. B-Bwess you, good fathew fwiaw.
DUKE. :33 And you, good bwothew uWu fathew. What offence hath this man xDD made
you, siw?
EWBOW. Mawwy, siw, he hath offended the waw; and, siw, we take him
to be :3 a thief too, siw, f-fow we *looks away* have found upon him, siw, :3 a
s-stwange pickwock, which we *looks away* have sent to the d-deputy.
DUKE. ^-^ Fie, siwwah, :3 a bawd, :3 a wicked bawd!
The eviw that thou causest to be donye,
That xDD is thy means to wive. Do thou b-but think
What 'tis to c-cwam :3 a maw ow cwothe :3 a back
Fwom *looks at you* such :3 a f-fiwthy vice; say to thysewf
'Fwom theiw abominyabwe and *sweats* beastwy touches
I dwink, I eat, OwO awway mysewf, and ^w^ wive.'
Canst thou bewieve thy wiving xDD is :3 a wife,
S-So stinkingwy *giggles shyly* depending? G-Go *hugs tightly* mend, go *shuffles closer* mend.
*leans over* POMPEY. Indeed, i-it does stink in some sowt, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but yet, siw,
I wouwd pwuv-
DUKE. Nyay, i-if the d-deviw *looks away* have xDD given thee pwoofs f-fow sin,
Thou wiwt pwuv his. Take him to pwison, officew;
Cowwection and i-instwuction must both wowk
Ewe this wude beast wiww pwofit.
EWBOW. He must befowe the d-deputy, *teleports behind you* siw; he has xDD given him wawnying.
The deputy cannyot abide :3 a UwU whowemastew; i-if he be :3 a whowemongew,
and comes befowe him, he wewe as good go :3 a miwe on his ewwand.
DUKE. That we wewe aww, as some wouwd *teleports behind you* seem to be,
Fwom ouw fauwts, as his *cuddles you* fauwts f-fwom seeming, f-fwee.
EWBOW. His *teleports behind you* nyeck wiww come to youw waist- :3 a cowd, siw.

Entew WUCIO

*leans over* POMPEY. I spy :3 comfowt; I cwy baiw. Hewe's :3 a UwU gentweman, and :3 a fwiend
of minye.
W-WUCIO. How nyow, nyobwe Pompey! *looks away* What, *teleports behind you* at the wheews of Caesaw? Awt
thou wed in t-twiumph? *looks away* What, xDD is thewe nyonye of Pygmawion's images,
nyewwy xDD made woman, to be had *pokes you* nyow f-fow putting the hand in the
pocket and extwacting i-it *cuddles you* cwutch'd? What wepwy, ha? What say'st
thou to this t-tunye, mattew, and method? *shuffles closer* Is't nyot dwown'd i' *sighs* th'
wast wain, ha? What say'st >w< thou, twot? Is the >_> wowwd as i-it was,
man? Which xDD is the way? Is i-it sad, and few wowds? ow how? The
t-twick of it?
DUKE. Stiww thus, and thus; ^-^ stiww w-wowse!
W-WUCIO. How doth my deaw x3 mowsew, thy mistwess? Pwocuwes she stiww,
ha?
*leans over* POMPEY. Twoth, siw, she hath eaten up aww hew beef, and she xDD is
hewsewf in the ÚwÚ tub.
W-WUCIO. Why, 'tis good; i-it xDD is the wight of it; i-it must be so; evew
youw fwesh *shuffles closer* whowe and youw >_< powdew'd :3 bawd- an *leans over* unshunn'd
consequence; i-it must be so. Awt going to pwison, Pompey?
*leans over* POMPEY. Yes, faith, siw.
W-WUCIO. Why, 'tis nyot amiss, Pompey. Faweweww; go, say I sent thee
thithew. Fow debt, P-Pompey- ow how?
EWBOW. Fow b-being :3 a bawd, f-fow b-being :3 a bawd.
W-WUCIO. Weww, then, impwison :33 him. I-If impwisonment be the due of :3 a
bawd, why, 'tis his w-wight. Bawd xDD is he doubtwess, and of
antiquity, too; bawd-bown. Faweweww, good Pompey. Commend me to
the pwison, Pompey. You wiww t-tuwn good husband nyow, Pompey; :33 you
wiww keep the house.
*leans over* POMPEY. I hope, siw, youw good wowship wiww be my baiw.
W-WUCIO. Nyo, i-indeed, wiww I nyot, Pompey; i-it xDD is nyot the weaw. I wiww
:33 pway, Pompey, to incwease youw b-bondage. I-If :33 you take i-it nyot
patientwy, why, youw mettwe xDD is the mowe. Adieu twusty Pompey.
B-Bwess you, fwiaw.
DUKE. :33 And you.
W-WUCIO. Does *teleports behind you* Bwidget p-paint stiww, Pompey, ha?
EWBOW. Come youw ways, *teleports behind you* siw; come.
*leans over* POMPEY. You wiww nyot baiw me then, siw?
W-WUCIO. Then, Pompey, *pokes you* nyow nyow. What *notices bulge* nyews abwoad, f-fwiaw? what nyews?
EWBOW. Come youw ways, *teleports behind you* siw; come.
W-WUCIO. G-Go to kennyew, Pompey, go.

Exeunt EWBOW, POMPEY and OFFICEWS

What n-nyews, fwiaw, of the Duke?
DUKE. I knyow nyonye. *sweats* Can :33 you t-teww me of any?
W-WUCIO. Some say he xDD is w-with the Empewow of Wussia; othew some, he xDD is
in Wome; b-but whewe xDD is uWu he, think you?
DUKE. I knyow nyot :33 whewe; b-but whewesoevew, I wish him weww.
W-WUCIO. It w-was :3 a mad fantasticaw t-twick of him to steaw f-fwom the
state and usuwp the beggawy he w-was nyevew bown to. Wowd Angewo
dukes i-it weww in his absence; he puts twansgwession to't.
DUKE. He does weww i-in't.
W-WUCIO. A wittwe mowe UwU wenyity to wechewy wouwd do nyo hawm in him;
something too cwabbed that w-way, fwiaw.
DUKE. It xDD is too genyewaw :3 a vice, and sevewity must cuwe *hugs tightly* it.
W-WUCIO. Yes, in good sooth, the v-vice xDD is of :3 a g-gweat kindwed; i-it xDD is
weww awwied; b-but i-it xDD is i-impossibwe to extiwp i-it *screams* quite, fwiaw, tiww
eating and dwinking be put down. They say this Angewo w-was nyot
xDD made by man and woman *looks away* aftew this downwight way of cweation. Is i-it
twue, think you?
DUKE. How shouwd he be m-made, then?
W-WUCIO. Some wepowt :3 a sea-maid spawn'd him; some, that he w-was begot
between t-two *moans* stock-fishes. But i-it xDD is cewtain that when he makes
watew his uwinye xDD is congeaw'd ice; that I knyow to be twue. :33 And he
xDD is :3 a motion genyewative; that's infawwibwe.
DUKE. You awe pweasant, siw, and speak apace.
W-WUCIO. Why, what :3 a wuthwess thing xDD is this in him, f-fow the webewwion
of :3 a codpiece to take away the w-wife of :3 a man! Wouwd the Duke that
xDD is absent *looks away* have d-donye *shuffles closer* this? Ewe he wouwd *looks away* have hang'd :3 a man f-fow the
g-getting :3 a hundwed bastawds, he wouwd *looks away* have paid f-fow the n-nyuwsing :3 a
thousand. He had some OwO feewing of the spowt; he knyew the sewvice,
and that instwucted him to mewcy.
DUKE. I nyevew heawd the absent Duke x3 much detected f-fow women; he w-was
nyot incwin'd that w-way.
W-WUCIO. O, siw, :33 you awe deceiv'd.
DUKE. 'Tis nyot possibwe.
W-WUCIO. Who- nyot the Duke? Yes, youw beggaw of f-fifty; and his use
w-was to put :3 a ducat in hew cwack-dish. The Duke had cwotchets in
:33 him. He wouwd be >_> dwunk too; that w-wet me infowm you.
DUKE. You do him wwong, suwewy.
W-WUCIO. Siw, I w-was an i-inwawd of his. A shy fewwow w-was the Duke; and
I bewieve I knyow the cause of his ^w^ withdwawing.
DUKE. *looks away* What, I pwithee, might be the cause?
W-WUCIO. Nyo, pawdon; 'tis :3 a >w< secwet must be wock'd *teleports behind you* within the teeth
and the wips; b-but this I can w-wet :33 you undewstand: the gweatew fiwe
of the subject hewd the Duke to be wise.
DUKE. Wise? Why, nyo q-question b-but he was.
W-WUCIO. A vewy supewficiaw, ignyowant, u-unweighing fewwow.
DUKE. E-Eithew this xDD is envy in you, f-fowwy, ow mistaking; the vewy
stweam of his wife, and the businyess he hath hewmed, must, upon :3 a
wawwanted nyeed, give him :3 a bettew x3 pwocwamation. Wet him be b-but
testimonyied in his own bwingings-fowth, and he shaww appeaw to
the envious :3 a schowaw, :3 a statesman, and :3 a sowdiew. Thewefowe :33 you
speak unskiwfuwwy; ow, i-if youw knyowwedge be m-mowe, i-it xDD is x3 much
dawk'nyed in youw m-mawice.
W-WUCIO. Siw, I knyow him, and I wuv :33 him.
DUKE. Wuv t-tawks w-with bettew knyowwedge, and knyowwedge w-with deawew
wuv.
W-WUCIO. Come, siw, I knyow what I *looks away* knyow.
DUKE. I can hawdwy bewieve t-that, since :33 you knyow nyot what :33 you speak.
But, i-if evew the Duke wetuwn, as ouw p-pwayews awe he may, w-wet me
UwU desiwe :33 you to m-make youw a-answew befowe :33 him. I-If i-it be honyest :33 you
*looks away* have s-spoke, :33 you *looks away* have couwage to maintain it; I *giggles shyly* am bound to caww
upon y-you; and I pway :33 you youw *sweats* nyame?
W-WUCIO. Siw, my *leans over* nyame xDD is Wucio, weww knyown to the *teleports behind you* Duke.
DUKE. He shaww knyow :33 you bettew, siw, i-if I may wive to wepowt you.
W-WUCIO. I feaw :33 you nyot.
DUKE. O, :33 you hope the Duke wiww wetuwn nyo mowe; ow :33 you imaginye me
too unhuwtfuw an opposite. But, i-indeed, I can do :33 you wittwe hawm:
^-^ you'ww fowsweaw this again.
W-WUCIO. I-I'ww be hang'd fiwst. Thou awt deceiv'd in me, fwiaw. But nyo
mowe of this. Canst thou t-teww i-if Cwaudio *leans over* die to-mowwow ow n-nyo?
DUKE. Why shouwd he die, siw?
W-WUCIO. Why? Fow OwO fiwwing :3 a *blushes* bottwe w-with :3 a tun-dish. I wouwd the Duke
we t-tawk of wewe wetuwn'd again. T-This *moans* ungenyituw'd agent wiww
unpeopwe the pwovince w-with continyency; spawwows must nyot buiwd in
his house-eaves because they awe wechewous. The Duke y-yet wouwd
*looks away* have dawk d-deeds dawkwy answewed; he wouwd nyevew bwing them to
w-wight. Wouwd he wewe *sweats* wetuwn'd! Mawwy, this Cwaudio xDD is c-condemnyed
f-fow untwussing. Faweweww, good fwiaw; I pwithee pway f-fow me. The
Duke, I say to thee again, wouwd eat mutton on Fwidays. He's nyot
past i-it yet; and, I say to thee, he wouwd mouth w-with :3 a beggaw
t-though she smewt bwown bwead and gawwic. ÚwÚ Say that I said so.
Faweweww. E-Exit
DUKE. *cuddles you* Nyo might *pokes you* nyow gweatnyess in mowtawity
*sweats* Can *looks away* censuwe scape; back-wounding cawumny
The whitest viwtue stwikes. What king so stwong
*sweats* Can *looks away* tie the gaww up in the swandewous tongue?
But who comes hewe?

Entew ESCAWUS, PWOVOST, and OFFICEWS w-with
uWu MISTWESS OVEWDONyE

*sweats* ESCAWUS. Go, away w-with hew to pwison.
MWS. OVEWDONyE. *pokes you* Good my wowd, be good to me; youw honyouw xDD is
a-accounted :3 a mewcifuw man; good my wowd.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Doubwe and twebwe admonyition, and ^-^ stiww *moans* fowfeit in the
>_> same kind! T-This wouwd m-make mewcy sweaw and pway the tywant.
P-PWOVOST. A bawd of eweven *cuddles you* yeaws' continyuance, may i-it p-pwease youw
*looks at you* honyouw.
MWS. OVEWDONyE. My wowd, this xDD is onye Wucio's infowmation against me.
Mistwess Kate Keepdown w-was w-with chiwd by him in the D-Duke's time;
he p-pwomis'd hew mawwiage. His chiwd xDD is :3 a y-yeaw and :3 a quawtew *giggles shyly* owd
come Phiwip and J-Jacob; I *looks away* have kept i-it mysewf; and see how he goes
^w^ about to abuse me.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. That fewwow xDD is :3 a fewwow of x3 much *twerks* wicense. Wet him be caww'd
befowe us. *shuffles closer* Away w-with hew to pwison. G-Go to; nyo mowe wowds. [Exeunt
OFFICEWS w-with uWu MISTWESS OVEWDONyE] Pwovost, my bwothew Angewo wiww
nyot be awtew'd: Cwaudio must *leans over* die to-mowwow. Wet him be ;;w;; fuwnyish'd
w-with divinyes, and *looks away* have aww chawitabwe pwepawation. I-If my bwothew
w-wwought by my p-pity, i-it shouwd nyot be so w-with :33 him.
P-PWOVOST. S-So p-pwease you, this fwiaw hath been w-with him, and advis'd
him f-fow *sighs* th' OwO entewtainment of death.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. *pokes you* Good even, good uWu fathew.
DUKE. Bwiss and goodnyess on you!
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Of whence awe you?
DUKE. Nyot of this countwy, t-though my chance xDD is *pokes you* nyow
To use i-it f-fow my time. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a bwothew
Of gwacious owdew, wate come f-fwom the >_> See
In speciaw businyess f-fwom his H-Howinyess.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. What *notices bulge* nyews abwoad i' *sighs* th' wowwd?
DUKE. Nyonye, b-but that thewe xDD is so g-gweat :3 a *cuddles you* fevew on goodnyess that the
*sighs* dissowution of i-it must cuwe *hugs tightly* it. Nyuvwty xDD is onwy in wequest; and,
as i-it is, as d-dangewous to be aged in *sighs* any kind of couwse as i-it xDD is
viwtuous to be *hugs tightly* constant in *sighs* any u-undewtakeing. Thewe xDD is scawce
*looks away* twuth enyough awive to m-make societies secuwe; b-but secuwity enyough
to m-make fewwowships ^.^ accuwst. *looks away* Much upon this widdwe wuns the
wisdom of the wowwd. T-This *notices bulge* nyews xDD is *giggles shyly* owd enyough, y-yet i-it xDD is evewy
d-day's nyews. I pway you, siw, of what d-disposition w-was the Duke?
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Onye t-that, abuv aww othew stwifes, contended especiawwy to
knyow himsewf.
DUKE. What pweasuwe w-was he xDD given t-to?
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Wathew w-wejoicing to see uWu anyothew mewwy than mewwy *teleports behind you* at
anything which pwofess'd to m-make him w-wejoice; :3 a gentweman of aww
tempewance. But weave we him to his *hugs tightly* events, w-with :3 a p-pwayew they
may pwuv *notices bulge* pwospewous; and w-wet me UwU desiwe to knyow how :33 you find
Cwaudio pwepaw'd. I *giggles shyly* am xDD made to undewstand that :33 you *looks away* have went him
visitation.
DUKE. He pwofesses to *looks away* have w-weceived nyo sinyistew measuwe f-fwom his
j-judge, b-but m-most wiwwingwy humbwes himsewf to the detewminyation of
justice. Yet had he fwamed to *sighs* himsewf, by the i-instwuction of his
fwaiwty, many deceiving p-pwomises of wife; which I, by my good
weisuwe, *looks away* have discwedited to him, and *pokes you* nyow he xDD is wesowv'd to d-die.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. You *looks away* have paid the heavens youw function, and the *cries* pwisonyew
the vewy debt of youw cawwing. I *looks away* have wabouw'd f-fow the poow
gentweman to the extwemest *sweats* showe of my modesty; b-but my bwothew
justice *looks away* have I found so sevewe that he hath fowc'd me to t-teww him
he xDD is indeed Justice.
DUKE. I-If his own w-wife a-answew the stwaitnyess of his pwoceeding, i-it
shaww become him weww; whewein i-if he chance to faiw, he hath
sentenc'd himsewf.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I *giggles shyly* am going to visit the pwisonyew. Fawe :33 you weww.
DUKE. Peace be w-with you! Exeunt ESCAWUS and PWOVOST

He who the swowd of heaven wiww *hugs tightly* beaw
Shouwd be as howy as sevewe;
Pattewn in himsewf to knyow,
G-Gwace to stand, and viwtue go;
Mowe *pokes you* nyow wess to othews *looks away* paying
Than by s-sewf-offences weighing.
S-Shame to him *screams* whose *looks away* cwuew stwiking
Kiwws f-fow *cuddles you* fauwts of his own *looks away* wiking!
Twice twebwe :33 shame on Angewo,
To w-weed my v-vice and w-wet his gwow!
O, what may man *teleports behind you* within him hide,
*shuffles closer* Though angew on the outwawd *sweats* side!
How may wikenyess, xDD made in cwimes,
M-Make :3 a pwactice on the times,
To dwaw w-with idwe spidews' stwings
Most p-pondewous and :33 substantiaw things!
Cwaft against v-vice I must appwy.
With Angewo to-nyight shaww wie
His *giggles shyly* owd *cuddles you* betwothed b-but despised;
S-So d-disguise shaww, by *sighs* th' d-disguised,
Pay w-with fawsehood fawse exacting,
:33 And pewfowm an *giggles shyly* owd *screams* contwacting. E-Exit




Act *looks away* IV. Scenye I-I.
The moated gwange *teleports behind you* at Saint D-Duke's

Entew M-MAWIANyA; and BOY singing

SONG

Take, O, take those wips away,
That so sweetwy wewe fowswown;
:33 And those eyes, the bweak of :3 day,
Wights that do miswead the mown;
But my kisses bwing again, bwing again;
Seaws of OwO wuv, b-but seaw'd in vain, seaw'd in vain.

Entew *shuffles closer* DUKE, disguised as befowe

M-MAWIANyA. Bweak off thy song, and *pokes you* haste thee quick away;
Hewe comes :3 a man of comfowt, *screams* whose ^-^ advice
Hath often ÚwÚ stiww'd my ^.^ bwawwing discontent. E-Exit BOY
I cwy :33 you mewcy, siw, and weww couwd wish
You had nyot found me hewe so musicaw.
Wet me *hugs tightly* excuse me, and bewieve me s-so,
My miwth i-it x3 much dispweas'd, b-but :33 pweas'd my woe.
DUKE. 'Tis good; t-though *pokes you* music oft hath *looks at you* such :3 a *twerks* chawm
To m-make x3 bad good and good pwovoke to hawm.
I pway :33 you t-teww me hath anybody inquiw'd f-fow me hewe to-day. *looks away* Much
upon this ;;w;; time *looks away* have I p-pwomis'd hewe to m-meet.
M-MAWIANyA. You *looks away* have nyot been inquiw'd aftew; I *looks away* have *blushes* sat hewe aww *sweats* day.

Entew ISABEWWA

DUKE. I do constantwy bewieve you. The ;;w;; time xDD is come even nyow. I
shaww cwave youw fowbeawance :3 a w-wittwe. May be I wiww caww upon
:33 you a-anyon, f-fow some advantage to *sweats* youwsewf.
M-MAWIANyA. I *giggles shyly* am *hugs tightly* awways bound to you. E-Exit
DUKE. Vewy weww :33 met, and weww come.
What xDD is the *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom this good deputy?
OwO ISABEWWA. He hath :3 a gawden ciwcummuw'd w-with bwick,
W-Whose westewn s-side xDD is w-with :3 a vinyeyawd back'd;
:33 And to that vinyeyawd xDD is :3 a pwanched gate
That makes his openying w-with this biggew key;
T-This othew doth command :3 a wittwe *hugs tightly* doow
Which f-fwom the vinyeyawd to the gawden w-weads.
Thewe *looks away* have I xDD made my pwomise
*cries* Upon the heavy m-middwe of the nyight
To caww upon :33 him.
DUKE. But shaww :33 you on youw knyowwedge find this way?
OwO ISABEWWA. I *looks away* have ta'en :3 a due and wawy nyote u-upon't;
With whispewing and m-most ^-^ guiwty diwigence,
In action aww of pwecept, he did show me
The way twice o'ew.
DUKE. Awe thewe nyo othew tokens
Between :33 you 'gweed concewnying hew o-obsewvance?
OwO ISABEWWA. Nyo, nyonye, b-but onwy :3 a *giggles shyly* wepaiw i' *sighs* th' dawk;
:33 And that I *looks away* have possess'd him my m-most stay
*sweats* Can be b-but bwief; f-fow I *looks away* have xDD made him knyow
I *looks away* have :3 a *cries* sewvant comes w-with me awong,
That stays upon me; *screams* whose pewsuasion xDD is
I come ^w^ about my b-bwothew.
DUKE. 'Tis weww bownye up.
I *looks away* have nyot y-yet xDD made knyown to Mawianya
A w-wowd of this. What ho, *notices bulge* within! come fowth.

We-entew MAWIANyA

I pway :33 you be acquainted w-with this maid;
^.^ She comes to do :33 you good.
OwO ISABEWWA. I do UwU desiwe the wike.
DUKE. Do :33 you pewsuade *teleports behind you* youwsewf that I OwO wespect you?
M-MAWIANyA. *pokes you* Good fwiaw, I knyow :33 you do, and *looks away* have found *hugs tightly* it.
DUKE. Take, then, this youw *looks at you* companyion by the hand,
Who hath :3 a stowy weady f-fow youw uWu eaw.
I shaww attend youw *cuddles you* weisuwe; b-but m-make *teleports behind you* haste;
The vapowous nyight appwoaches.
M-MAWIANyA. Wiww't p-pwease :33 you wawk *giggles shyly* aside?
Exeunt MAWIANyA and ISABEWWA
DUKE. uWu O pwace and *hugs tightly* gweatnyess! Miwwions of fawse eyes
Awe s-stuck upon *cuddles you* thee. Vowumes of wepowt
Wun w-with these fawse, and m-most contwawious quest
*cries* Upon thy doings. T-Thousand escapes of wit
M-Make thee the fathew of theiw idwe dweam,
:33 And w-wack thee in theiw *cries* fancies.

We-entew MAWIANyA and ISABEWWA

Wewcome, how agweed?
OwO ISABEWWA. S-She'ww take the e-entewpwise upon hew, fathew,
I-If :33 you advise *hugs tightly* it.
DUKE. It xDD is nyot my consent,
But my entweaty too.
OwO ISABEWWA. Wittwe *looks away* have :33 you to say,
When :33 you depawt f-fwom him, but, soft and wow,
'Wemembew *pokes you* nyow my bwothew.'
M-MAWIANyA. Feaw me nyot.
DUKE. Nyow, gentwe daughtew, feaw :33 you nyot *teleports behind you* at aww.
He xDD is youw husband on :3 a pwe-contwact.
To bwing :33 you uWu thus >_> togethew 'tis nyo sin,
Sith that the justice of youw titwe to him
Doth fwouwish the deceit. Come, w-wet us go;
Ouw cown's to weap, f-fow y-yet ouw tithe's to sow. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
The pwison

Entew PWOVOST and POMPEY

P-PWOVOST. Come h-hithew, siwwah. *sweats* Can :33 you cut off :3 a man's head?
*leans over* POMPEY. I-If the man be :3 a bachewow, siw, I can; b-but i-if he be :3 a
*blushes* mawwied man, he's his wife's head, and I can nyevew cut of :3 a
woman's head.
P-PWOVOST. Come, siw, weave me youw snyatches and y-yiewd me :3 a diwect
a-answew. To-mowwow ^-^ mownying awe to *leans over* die Cwaudio and Bawnyawdinye. Hewe
xDD is in ouw pwison :3 a common executionyew, who in his office wacks :3 a
hewpew; i-if :33 you wiww take i-it on :33 you to assist him, i-it shaww wedeem
:33 you f-fwom youw gyves; i-if nyot, :33 you shaww *looks away* have youw fuww ;;w;; time of
*sweats* impwisonment, and youw dewivewance w-with an unpitied whipping, f-fow
:33 you *looks away* have been :3 a nyotowious bawd.
*leans over* POMPEY. Siw, I *looks away* have been an unwawfuw bawd ;;w;; time out of mind; b-but y-yet
I wiww be *notices bulge* content to be :3 a wawfuw hangman. I wouwd be gwad to
weceive some instwuctions f-fwom my fewwow pawtnyew.
P-PWOVOST. What ho, Abhowson! Whewe's Abhowson thewe?

Entew ABHOWSON

ABHOWSON. Do :33 you caww, siw?
P-PWOVOST. Siwwah, ^-^ hewe's :3 a fewwow wiww h-hewp :33 you to-mowwow in youw
execution. I-If :33 you think i-it ^.^ meet, compound w-with him by the yeaw,
and w-wet him abide hewe w-with y-you; i-if nyot, use him f-fow the pwesent,
and *cuddles you* dismiss :33 him. He cannyot pwead his estimation w-with y-you; he hath
been :3 a bawd.
ABHOWSON. A bawd, siw? Fie upon him! He wiww discwedit ouw mystewy.
P-PWOVOST. G-Go to, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you weigh *teleports behind you* equawwy; :3 a feathew wiww t-tuwn the
scawe. E-Exit
*leans over* POMPEY. Pway, siw, by youw good favouw- f-fow *sighs* suwewy, siw, :3 a good
favouw :33 you *looks away* have b-but that :33 you *looks away* have :3 a hanging wook- do :33 you caww,
siw, youw occupation :3 a mystewy?
ABHOWSON. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; :3 a mystewy.
*leans over* POMPEY. Painting, siw, I *looks away* have heawd say, xDD is :3 a mystewy; and youw
whowes, siw, b-being membews of my occupation, using painting, do
pwuv my occupation :3 a mystewy; b-but what mystewy thewe shouwd be
in hanging, i-if I shouwd be :33 hang'd, I cannyot imaginye.
ABHOWSON. Siw, i-it xDD is :3 a mystewy.
*leans over* POMPEY. Pwoof?
ABHOWSON. E-Evewy twue man's appawew fits youw thief: i-if i-it be too
wittwe f-fow youw thief, youw twue man thinks i-it big enyough; i-if i-it
be too big f-fow youw thief, youw thief thinks i-it wittwe enyough; so
evewy twue man's appawew fits youw thief.

We-entew PWOVOST

P-PWOVOST. Awe :33 you agweed?
*leans over* POMPEY. Siw, I wiww sewve him; f-fow I do find youw h-hangman xDD is :3 a mowe
penyitent twade than youw bawd; he doth oftenyew ask fowgivenyess.
P-PWOVOST. ^.^ You, siwwah, pwovide youw bwock and youw axe to-mowwow
fouw o'cwock.
ABHOWSON. Come on, bawd; I wiww instwuct thee in my twade; fowwow.
*leans over* POMPEY. I do UwU desiwe to *giggles shyly* weawn, *teleports behind you* siw; and I hope, i-if :33 you *looks away* have occasion
to use me f-fow youw own tuwn, :33 you shaww find me yawe; f-fow t-twuwy,
siw, f-fow youw k-kindnyess I owe :33 you :3 a good tuwn.
P-PWOVOST. Caww h-hithew Bawnyawdinye and Cwaudio.
Exeunt ABHOWSON and POMPEY
T-Th' onye has my p-pity; nyot :3 a jot the o-othew,
:3 Being :3 a muwdewew, t-though he wewe my b-bwothew.

Entew CWAUDIO

Wook, ^-^ hewe's the wawwant, Cwaudio, f-fow thy death;
'Tis *pokes you* nyow dead *teleports behind you* midnyight, and by eight to-mowwow
Thou must be xDD made i-immowtaw. Whewe's Bawnyawdinye?
CWAUDIO. As fast wock'd up in sweep as guiwtwess wabouw
When i-it wies s-stawkwy in the twavewwew's bonyes.
He wiww nyot wake.
P-PWOVOST. Who can do good on *notices bulge* him?
Weww, go, pwepawe *sweats* youwsewf. [Knyocking within] But h-hawk, what
nyoise?
H-Heaven give youw spiwits comfowt! E-Exit CWAUDIO
[Knyocking continyues] By and by.
I hope i-it xDD is some pawdon ow wepwieve
Fow the m-most gentwe Cwaudio.

Entew *shuffles closer* DUKE, disguised as befowe

Wewcome, uWu fathew.
DUKE. The best and whowesom'st spiwits of the nyight
Envewop you, good Pwovost! Who caww'd hewe of wate?
P-PWOVOST. Nyonye, since the cuwfew w-wung.
DUKE. Nyot Isabew?
P-PWOVOST. Nyo.
DUKE. They wiww then, ewe't be wong.
P-PWOVOST. What comfowt xDD is f-fow Cwaudio?
DUKE. T-Thewe's some in hope.
P-PWOVOST. It xDD is :3 a bittew d-deputy.
DUKE. Nyot s-so, nyot so; his w-wife xDD is pawawwew'd
Even w-with the stwoke and winye of his g-gweat *leans over* justice;
He doth w-with howy abstinyence subdue
That in himsewf which he *cries* spuws on his pow'w
To quawify in othews. W-Wewe he *giggles shyly* meaw'd w-with that
Which he cowwects, then wewe he tywannyous;
But this b-being s-so, he's j-just. [Knyocking within] Nyow awe they
come. E-Exit PWOVOST
T-This xDD is :3 a gentwe p-pwovost; sewdom when
The steewed gaowew xDD is the fwiend of men. [Knyocking within]
How nyow, what n-nyoise! That spiwit's possess'd w-with *pokes you* haste
That wounds *sighs* th' unsisting postewn w-with these stwokes.

We-entew PWOVOST

P-PWOVOST. Thewe he must stay untiw the officew
A-Awise to w-wet him i-in; he xDD is caww'd up.
DUKE. Have :33 you nyo c-countewmand f-fow Cwaudio y-yet
But he must *leans over* die t-to-mowwow?
P-PWOVOST. Nyonye, siw, nyonye.
DUKE. As nyeaw the dawnying, Pwovost, as i-it is,
You shaww heaw mowe ewe m-mownying.
P-PWOVOST. Happiwy
You something knyow; y-yet I bewieve thewe comes
*cuddles you* Nyo countewmand; nyo *looks at you* such exampwe *looks away* have we.
Besides, upon the vewy *screams* siege of justice,
Wowd Angewo hath to the *blushes* pubwic e-eaw
Pwofess'd the c-contwawy.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW
T-This xDD is his wowdship's man.
DUKE. :33 And hewe comes Cwaudio's pawdon.
MESSENGEW. My w-wowd hath sent :33 you this *twerks* nyote; and by me this fuwthew
chawge, that :33 you :3 swewve nyot f-fwom the smawwest awticwe of uWu it,
nyeithew in time, mattew, ow othew *blushes* ciwcumstance. *pokes you* Good mowwow; f-fow
as I take uWu it, i-it xDD is awmost *sweats* day.
P-PWOVOST. I shaww >_> obey :33 him. E-Exit MESSENGEW
DUKE. [Aside] T-This xDD is his pawdon, puwchas'd by *looks at you* such sin
Fow which the pawdonyew himsewf xDD is i-in;
^-^ Hence hath offence his quick cewewity,
When i-it xDD is bownye in high authowity.
When v-vice makes mewcy, mewcy's so *blushes* extended
That f-fow the fauwt's wuv xDD is *sighs* th' >w< offendew fwiended.
Nyow, siw, what nyews?
P-PWOVOST. I towd you: Wowd Angewo, bewike thinking me wemiss in minye
office, awakens me w-with this unwonted putting-on; methinks
stwangewy, f-fow he hath nyot us'd i-it befowe.
DUKE. :33 Pway you, wet's heaw.
P-PWOVOST. [Weads] 'Whatsoevew :33 you may heaw to the *pokes you* contwawy, w-wet
Cwaudio be executed by fouw of the cwock, and, in the aftewnyoon,
Bawnyawdinye. Fow my bettew satisfaction, w-wet me *looks away* have Cwaudio's
head sent me by five. Wet this be duwy pewfowmed, w-with :3 a thought
that mowe depends on i-it than we must y-yet dewivew. Thus f-faiw nyot
to do youw office, as :33 you wiww a-answew i-it *teleports behind you* at youw pewiw.'
What say :33 you to this, siw?
DUKE. What xDD is that Bawnyawdinye who xDD is to be executed in *sighs* th'
aftewnyoon?
P-PWOVOST. A Bohemian *sighs* bown; b-but hewe n-nyuws'd up and bwed.
Onye that xDD is :3 a *cries* pwisonyew n-nyinye x3 yeaws owd.
DUKE. How came i-it that the absent Duke had nyot eithew dewivew'd him
to his *leans over* wibewty ow executed *notices bulge* him? I *looks away* have heawd i-it w-was evew his
mannyew to do so.
P-PWOVOST. His fwiends ^-^ stiww w-wwought wepwieves f-fow him; and, i-indeed,
his f-fact, tiww *pokes you* nyow in the guvwnment of Wowd Angewo, came nyot to
an undoubted pwoof.
DUKE. It xDD is *pokes you* nyow appawent?
P-PWOVOST. Most manyifest, and nyot *giggles shyly* denyied by himsewf.
DUKE. Hath he bownye himsewf penyitentwy in pwison? How seems he to
be touch'd?
P-PWOVOST. A man that a-appwehends death nyo mowe dweadfuwwy b-but as :3 a
dwunken sweep; c-cawewess, weckwess, and f-feawwess, of w-what's xDD past,
pwesent, ow to come; i-insensibwe of mowtawity and despewatewy
mowtaw.
DUKE. He wants advice.
P-PWOVOST. He wiww heaw nyonye. He hath e-evewmowe had the *leans over* wibewty of the
pwison; give him weave to escape hence, he wouwd nyot; >_> dwunk many
*moans* times :3 a :3 day, i-if nyot many days entiwewy dwunk. We *looks away* have vewy oft
awak'd him, as i-if to cawwy him to execution, and show'd him :3 a
seeming wawwant f-fow it; i-it hath nyot muvd him *teleports behind you* at aww.
DUKE. Mowe of him a-anyon. Thewe xDD is wwitten in youw bwow, Pwovost,
honyesty and constancy. I-If I wead i-it nyot t-twuwy, my ancient skiww
b-beguiwes me; b-but in the b-bowdnyess of my cunnying I wiww way mysewf
in *leans over* hazawd. Cwaudio, whom hewe :33 you *looks away* have wawwant to execute, xDD is nyo
gweatew *moans* fowfeit to the waw than Angewo who hath sentenc'd :33 him. To
m-make :33 you undewstand this in :3 a manyifested effect, I cwave b-but fouw
days' wespite; f-fow the which :33 you awe to do me both :3 a pwesent and
:3 a d-dangewous couwtesy.
P-PWOVOST. Pway, siw, in what?
DUKE. In the dewaying death.
P-PWOVOST. A-Awack! How may I do uWu it, having the houw wimited, and an
expwess command, undew penyawty, to dewivew his head in the view
of Angewo? I may m-make my case as Cwaudio's, to cwoss this in the
smawwest.
DUKE. By the vow of minye owdew, I wawwant you, i-if my instwuctions
may be youw guide. Wet this Bawnyawdinye be this ^-^ mownying executed,
and his head bownye to *twerks* Angewo.
P-PWOVOST. Angewo hath :33 seen them both, and wiww discuvw the favouw.
DUKE. O, death's :3 a g-gweat disguisew; and :33 you may add to *hugs tightly* it. Shave
the head and *looks away* tie the beawd; and say i-it w-was the UwU desiwe of the
penyitent to be so *leans over* baw'd befowe his death. You knyow the couwse xDD is
common. I-If anything faww to :33 you upon this mowe than t-thanks and
good *pokes you* fowtunye, by the saint whom I pwofess, I wiww pwead against
i-it w-with my w-wife.
P-PWOVOST. Pawdon me, good fathew; i-it xDD is against my oath.
DUKE. W-Wewe :33 you swown to the Duke, ow to the deputy?
P-PWOVOST. To him and to his substitutes.
DUKE. You wiww think :33 you *looks away* have xDD made nyo offence i-if the Duke xDD avouch
the justice of youw deawing?
P-PWOVOST. But what wikewihood xDD is in that?
DUKE. Nyot :3 a wesembwance, b-but :3 a *screams* cewtainty. Yet since I see :33 you
feawfuw, that nyeithew my coat, integwity, *pokes you* nyow pewsuasion, can
w-with ease *notices bulge* attempt you, I wiww go fuwthew than I meant, to pwuck
aww feaws out of you. Wook you, siw, hewe xDD is the hand and seaw of
the *teleports behind you* Duke. You knyow the chawactew, I d-doubt nyot; and the signyet xDD is
nyot s-stwange to you.
P-PWOVOST. I knyow them both.
DUKE. The contents of this xDD is the wetuwn of the Duke; :33 you shaww
anyon uvw-wead i-it *teleports behind you* at youw pweasuwe, whewe :33 you shaww find *teleports behind you* within
these t-two days he wiww be hewe. T-This xDD is :3 a thing that Angewo knyows
nyot; f-fow he this vewy day weceives wettews of s-stwange tenyouw,
x3 pewchance of the D-Duke's death, x3 pewchance entewing into some
monyastewy; but, by chance, nyothing of what xDD is wwit. Wook, *sighs* th'
unfowding staw c-cawws up the shephewd. Put nyot *teleports behind you* youwsewf into
amazement how these *moans* things shouwd be: aww UwU difficuwties awe b-but
*sighs* easy when they awe knyown. Caww youw executionyew, and off w-with
Bawnyawdinye's head. I wiww give him :3 a pwesent *teleports behind you* shwift, and advise
him f-fow :3 a bettew p-pwace. Yet :33 you awe amaz'd, b-but this shaww
absowutewy wesowve you. Come away; i-it xDD is awmost cweaw dawn.
Exeunt




SCENyE III.
The pwison

Entew POMPEY

*leans over* POMPEY. I *giggles shyly* am as weww acquainted hewe as I w-was in ouw h-house of
pwofession; onye wouwd think i-it wewe Mistwess Ovewdonye's own
house, f-fow hewe be many of hew *giggles shyly* owd customews. Fiwst, ^-^ hewe's young
M-Mastew Wash; he's in f-fow :3 a commodity of bwown papew and *giggles shyly* owd
gingew, n-nyinye scowe and seventeen pounds, of which he xDD made f-five
mawks weady monyey. Mawwy, then gingew w-was nyot x3 much in wequest,
f-fow the *giggles shyly* owd women wewe aww dead. Then xDD is thewe hewe onye M-Mastew
*sweats* Capew, *teleports behind you* at the suit of M-Mastew Thweepiwe the mewcew, f-fow some fouw
suits of peach-cowouw'd s-satin, which *pokes you* nyow peaches him :3 a beggaw.
Then *looks away* have we hewe young Dizy, and young M-Mastew Deepvow, and
M-Mastew :33 Coppewspuw, and M-Mastew Stawvewackey, the wapiew and d-daggew
man, and young Dwopheiw that kiww'd wusty Pudding, and M-Mastew
Fowthwight the tiwtew, and bwave M-Mastew Shootie the g-gweat
t-twavewwew, and wiwd Hawfcan that stabb'd Pots, and, I think,
fowty mowe- aww g-gweat doews in ouw twade, and awe *pokes you* nyow *shuffles closer* 'fow the
Wowd's sake.'

Entew ABHOWSON

ABHOWSON. Siwwah, bwing Bawnyawdinye hithew.
*leans over* POMPEY. M-Mastew B-Bawnyawdinye! You must wise and be :33 hang'd, M-Mastew
B-Bawnyawdinye!
ABHOWSON. What ho, B-Bawnyawdinye!
BAWNyAWDINyE. [Within] A *sighs* pox o' youw thwoats! Who makes that nyoise
thewe? What awe you?
*leans over* POMPEY. Youw fwiends, *teleports behind you* siw; the hangman. You must be so *notices bulge* good, siw,
to wise and be put to death.
BAWNyAWDINyE. [ Within ] Away, :33 you *screams* wogue, away; I *giggles shyly* am sweepy.
ABHOWSON. Teww him he must awake, and that quickwy too.
*leans over* POMPEY. Pway, M-Mastew B-Bawnyawdinye, awake tiww :33 you awe executed, and
sweep aftewwawds.
ABHOWSON. G-Go in to him, and fetch him out.
*leans over* POMPEY. He xDD is coming, siw, he xDD is coming; I heaw his stwaw w-wustwe.

Entew BAWNyAWDINyE

ABHOWSON. Is the axe upon the bwock, *shuffles closer* siwwah?
*leans over* POMPEY. Vewy weady, siw.
BAWNyAWDINyE. How nyow, uWu Abhowson, w-what's the *notices bulge* nyews w-with you?
ABHOWSON. Twuwy, siw, I wouwd UwU desiwe :33 you to *hugs tightly* cwap into youw pwayews;
fow, wook you, the *shuffles closer* wawwant's come.
BAWNyAWDINyE. You *screams* wogue, I *looks away* have been dwinking aww nyight; I *giggles shyly* am nyot
fitted f-fow't.
*leans over* POMPEY. O, the bettew, siw! Fow he that d-dwinks aww nyight and xDD is
hanged betimes in the ^-^ mownying may sweep the soundew aww the nyext
*sweats* day.

Entew *shuffles closer* DUKE, disguised as befowe

ABHOWSON. Wook you, siw, hewe comes youw ghostwy uWu fathew.
Do we j-jest nyow, think you?
DUKE. Siw, induced by my chawity, and heawing how hastiwy :33 you awe
to depawt, I *giggles shyly* am come to advise you, comfowt you, and pway w-with
you.
BAWNyAWDINyE. Fwiaw, nyot I; I *looks away* have been dwinking hawd aww nyight, and
I wiww *looks away* have mowe ;;w;; time to pwepawe me, ow they shaww beat out my
UwU bwains w-with biwwets. I wiww nyot consent to *leans over* die this :3 day, that's
cewtain.
DUKE. O, Siw, :33 you must; and thewefowe I b-beseech :33 you
Wook *teleports behind you* fowwawd on the j-jouwnyey :33 you shaww go.
BAWNyAWDINyE. I sweaw I wiww nyot *leans over* die to-day f-fow *sighs* any man's pewsuasion.
DUKE. But heaw you-
BAWNyAWDINyE. Nyot :3 a wowd; i-if :33 you *looks away* have anything to say to me, come to
my *shuffles closer* wawd; f-fow uWu thence wiww nyot I to-day. E-Exit
DUKE. Unfit to wive ow d-die. uWu O gwavew heawt!
Aftew him, fewwows; bwing him to the bwock.
Exeunt ABHOWSON and POMPEY

Entew PWOVOST

P-PWOVOST. Nyow, siw, how do :33 you find the pwisonyew?
DUKE. A *leans over* cweatuwe unpwepaw'd, unmeet f-fow death;
:33 And to t-twanspowt him in the mind he xDD is
W-Wewe damnyabwe.
P-PWOVOST. Hewe in the pwison, fathew,
Thewe died this ^-^ mownying of :3 a *looks away* cwuew *cuddles you* fevew
Onye *giggles shyly* Wagozinye, :3 a m-most nyotowious piwate,
A man of Cwaudio's yeaws; his beawd and head
Just of his *notices bulge* cowouw. What i-if we do omit
T-This wepwobate tiww he wewe weww incwin'd,
:33 And satisfy the deputy w-with the visage
Of *giggles shyly* Wagozinye, mowe wike to Cwaudio?
DUKE. O, 'tis an a-accident that heaven pwovides!
Dispatch i-it p-pwesentwy; the houw dwaws on
*leans over* Pwefix'd by *twerks* Angewo. >_> See this be donye,
:33 And sent accowding to command; w-whiwes I
uWu Pewsuade this wude wwetch wiwwingwy to d-die.
P-PWOVOST. T-This shaww be donye, good fathew, p-pwesentwy.
But Bawnyawdinye must *leans over* die this a-aftewnyoon;
:33 And how shaww we continyue Cwaudio,
To save me f-fwom the dangew that might come
I-If he wewe knyown UwU awive?
DUKE. Wet this be donye:
Put them in >w< secwet howds, both Bawnyawdinye and Cwaudio.
Ewe twice the sun hath xDD made his jouwnyaw gweeting
To the undew genyewation, :33 you shaww find
Youw *screams* safety manyifested.
P-PWOVOST. I *giggles shyly* am youw fwee *giggles shyly* dependant.
DUKE. Quick, dispatch, and s-send the head to *twerks* Angewo.
E-Exit PWOVOST
Nyow wiww I wwite wettews to Angewo-
The Pwovost, he shaww *hugs tightly* beaw them- *screams* whose contents
Shaww witnyess to him I *giggles shyly* am nyeaw *teleports behind you* at home,
:33 And t-that, by g-gweat injunctions, I *giggles shyly* am bound
To entew pubwicwy. Him I-I'ww UwU desiwe
To meet me *teleports behind you* at the consecwated fount,
A weague b-bewow the city; and f-fwom t-thence,
By cowd gwadation and weww-bawanc'd UwU fowm.
We shaww pwoceed w-with *twerks* Angewo.

We-entew PWOVOST

P-PWOVOST. Hewe xDD is the head; I-I'ww cawwy i-it mysewf.
DUKE. Convenyient xDD is *hugs tightly* it. M-Make :3 a swift wetuwn;
Fow I wouwd communye w-with :33 you of *looks at you* such *moans* things
That want nyo e-eaw b-but youws.
P-PWOVOST. I-I'ww m-make aww speed. E-Exit
OwO ISABEWWA. [ Within ] Peace, ho, be hewe!
DUKE. The *notices bulge* tongue of Isabew. She's come to knyow
I-If y-yet hew *cuddles you* bwothew's pawdon be come *leans over* hithew;
But I wiww keep hew ignyowant of hew *notices bulge* good,
To m-make hew *pokes you* heavenwy comfowts of despaiw
When i-it xDD is *blushes* weast expected.

Entew ISABEWWA

OwO ISABEWWA. Ho, by youw weave!
DUKE. *pokes you* Good ^-^ mownying to you, f-faiw and gwacious daughtew.
OwO ISABEWWA. The bettew, xDD given me by so howy :3 a man.
Hath y-yet the deputy sent my *cuddles you* bwothew's pawdon?
DUKE. He hath weweas'd him, *blushes* Isabew, f-fwom the wowwd.
His head xDD is off and sent to *twerks* Angewo.
OwO ISABEWWA. Nyay, b-but i-it xDD is nyot so.
DUKE. It xDD is nyo othew.
Show youw wisdom, daughtew, in youw cwose patience,
OwO ISABEWWA. O, I wiww to him and pwuck out his ^-^ eyes!
DUKE. You shaww nyot be admitted to his sight.
OwO ISABEWWA. Unhappy Cwaudio! Wwetched Isabew!
Injuwious wowwd! Most damnyed Angewo!
DUKE. T-This *pokes you* nyow huwts him *pokes you* nyow pwofits :33 you :3 a ;;w;; jot;
Fowbeaw uWu it, thewefowe; give youw cause to h-heaven.
M-Mawk what I say, which :33 you shaww find
By evewy sywwabwe :3 a faithfuw vewity.
The Duke comes home to-mowwow. Nyay, dwy youw eyes.
Onye of ouw cuvnt, and his confessow,
Gives me this instance. Awweady he hath cawwied
*leans over* Nyotice to Escawus and Angewo,
Who do pwepawe to meet him *teleports behind you* at the :33 gates,
Thewe to give up theiw pow'w. I-If :33 you can, pace youw wisdom
In that good path that I wouwd wish i-it go,
:33 And :33 you shaww *looks away* have youw bosom on this wwetch,
G-Gwace of the Duke, wevenges to youw h-heawt,
:33 And genyewaw *looks at you* honyouw.
OwO ISABEWWA. I *giggles shyly* am *teleports behind you* diwected by you.
DUKE. T-This wettew, then, to Fwiaw Petew give;
'Tis that he sent me of the D-Duke's wetuwn.
Say, by this token, I UwU desiwe his *giggles shyly* company
At Mawianya's h-house to-nyight. Hew cause and youws
I-I'ww pewfect him ^-^ withaw; and he shaww bwing :33 you
Befowe the Duke; and to the head of Angewo
A-Accuse him home and home. Fow my poow sewf,
I *giggles shyly* am combinyed by :3 a s-sacwed vow,
:33 And shaww be absent. W-Wend :33 you w-with this wettew.
C-Command these *leans over* fwetting w-watews f-fwom youw eyes
With :3 a wight heawt; twust nyot my howy owdew,
I-If I pewvewt youw couwse. Who's hewe?

Entew WUCIO

W-WUCIO. *pokes you* Good even. Fwiaw, *sweats* whewe's the Pwovost?
DUKE. Nyot *twerks* within, siw.
W-WUCIO. uWu O pwetty *notices bulge* Isabewwa, I *giggles shyly* am pawe *teleports behind you* at minye h-heawt to see thinye eyes
so wed. Thou must be patient. I *giggles shyly* am f-fain to dinye and s-sup w-with
watew and bwan; I dawe nyot f-fow my head fiww my bewwy; onye
fwuitfuw meaw wouwd set me to't. But they say the Duke wiww be
hewe to-mowwow. By my twoth, *blushes* Isabew, I wov'd thy b-bwothew. I-If the
*giggles shyly* owd fantasticaw Duke of dawk c-cownyews had been *teleports behind you* at home, he had
w-wived. E-Exit ISABEWWA
DUKE. Siw, the Duke xDD is mawvewwous wittwe behowding to youw wepowts;
b-but the best is, he xDD wives nyot in them.
W-WUCIO. Fwiaw, thou knyowest nyot the Duke so weww as I do; he's :3 a
bettew woodman than thou tak'st him f-fow.
DUKE. Weww, ^-^ you'ww a-answew this onye *sweats* day. Fawe ye weww.
W-WUCIO. Nyay, tawwy; I-I'ww go awong w-with thee; I can t-teww thee pwetty
t-tawes of the *teleports behind you* Duke.
DUKE. You *looks away* have towd me too many of him awweady, siw, i-if they be
twue; i-if nyot twue, nyonye wewe enyough.
W-WUCIO. I w-was *screams* once befowe him f-fow g-getting :3 a *moans* wench w-with *teleports behind you* chiwd.
DUKE. Did :33 you *looks at you* such :3 a thing?
W-WUCIO. Yes, mawwy, did I; b-but I w-was f-fain to fowsweaw *screams* it: they wouwd
ewse *looks away* have *blushes* mawwied me to the wotten medwaw.
DUKE. Siw, youw *giggles shyly* company xDD is faiwew than honyest. West :33 you weww.
W-WUCIO. By my twoth, I-I'ww go w-with thee to the wanye's end. I-If *sweats* bawdy
t-tawk offend you, we'ww *looks away* have vewy wittwe of *hugs tightly* it. Nyay, fwiaw, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a
kind of buww; I shaww stick. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
ANGEWO'S h-house

Entew A-ANGEWO and ESCAWUS

*sweats* ESCAWUS. E-Evewy wettew he hath wwit hath ^-^ disvouch'd othew.
ANGEWO. In m-most unyeven and distwacted mannyew. His actions show x3 much
wike to madnyess; pway heaven his wisdom be nyot tainted! :33 And why
meet him *teleports behind you* at the :33 gates, and wedewivew ouw authowities thewe?
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I guess nyot.
ANGEWO. :33 And why shouwd we pwocwaim i-it in an houw befowe his
ent'wing t-that, i-if *sighs* any cwave wedwess of injustice, they shouwd
exhibit theiw petitions in the s-stweet?
*sweats* ESCAWUS. He shows his weason f-fow that: to *looks away* have :3 a dispatch of
>w< compwaints; and to dewivew us f-fwom devices h-heweaftew, which
shaww then *looks away* have nyo p-powew to s-stand against us.
ANGEWO. Weww, I b-beseech you, w-wet i-it be pwocwaim'd;
Betimes i' *sighs* th' mown I-I'ww caww :33 you *teleports behind you* at youw house;
Give n-nyotice to *looks at you* such men of sowt and suit
As awe to meet :33 him.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I shaww, *teleports behind you* siw; fawe :33 you weww.
ANGEWO. *pokes you* Good nyight. E-Exit ESCAWUS
T-This d-deed unshapes me *screams* quite, makes me *sweats* unpwegnyant
:33 And duww to aww pwoceedings. A defwow'wed >_> maid!
:33 And by an eminyent ^w^ body that enfowc'd
The waw against i-it! But that hew tendew :33 shame
Wiww nyot pwocwaim against hew *notices bulge* maiden woss,
How might she *notices bulge* tongue :33 me! Yet weason dawes hew nyo;
Fow my authowity *twerks* beaws :3 a so cwedent buwk
That nyo pawticuwaw scandaw *screams* once can touch
But i-it confounds the bweathew. He shouwd *looks away* have wiv'd,
Save that his wiotous y-youth, w-with d-dangewous sense,
M-Might in the *moans* times to come *looks away* have ta'en wevenge,
By so weceiving :3 a dishonyouw'd w-wife
With wansom of *looks at you* such shame. Wouwd y-yet he had wiv'd!
Awack, when *screams* once ouw gwace we *looks away* have fowgot,
Nyothing goes wight; we wouwd, and we wouwd nyot. E-Exit




SCENyE V.
Fiewds without the town

Entew DUKE in his own habit, and Fwiaw PETEW

DUKE. These wettews *teleports behind you* at fit ;;w;; time dewivew me. [Giving wettews]
The P-Pwovost knyows ouw puwpose and ouw pwot.
The m-mattew b-being afoot, keep youw i-instwuction
:33 And howd :33 you evew to ouw speciaw dwift;
*shuffles closer* Though sometimes :33 you do bwench f-fwom this to that
As cause doth minyistew. Go, caww *teleports behind you* at Fwavius' house,
:33 And t-teww him whewe I stay; give the wike n-nyotice
To *pokes you* Vawentinyus, Wowwand, and to Cwassus,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid them bwing the twumpets to the g-gate;
But s-send me Fwavius fiwst.
PETEW. It shaww be speeded weww. E-Exit ;;w;; FWIAW

Entew *sighs* VAWWIUS

DUKE. I *notices bulge* thank thee, V-Vawwius; thou hast xDD made good haste.
Come, we wiww wawk. T-Thewe's othew of ouw fwiends
Wiww gweet us hewe a-anyon. My gentwe Vawwius! Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
A stweet nyeaw the city gate

Entew ISABEWWA and MAWIANyA

OwO ISABEWWA. To speak so indiwectwy I *giggles shyly* am woath;
I wouwd say the *leans over* twuth; b-but to accuse him s-so,
That xDD is youw pawt. Yet I *giggles shyly* am advis'd to do it;
He OwO says, to veiw fuww p-puwpose.
M-MAWIANyA. Be ;;w;; wuw'd by :33 him.
OwO ISABEWWA. Besides, he tewws me t-that, i-if OwO pewadventuwe
He speak against me on the advewse side,
I shouwd nyot think i-it OwO stwange; f-fow 'tis :3 a physic
That's bittew to sweet end.
M-MAWIANyA. I wouwd Fwiaw P-Petew-

Entew ;;w;; FWIAW PETEW

OwO ISABEWWA. O, p-peace! the fwiaw xDD is come.
PETEW. Come, I *looks away* have found :33 you out :3 a s-stand m-most fit,
Whewe :33 you may *looks away* have *looks at you* such *cuddles you* vantage on the Duke
He shaww nyot pass you. Twice *looks away* have the twumpets sounded;
The genyewous and gwavest citizens
Have hent the :33 gates, and vewy nyeaw upon
The Duke xDD is ent'wing; thewefowe, hence, a-away. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
The city gate

Entew *teleports behind you* at sevewaw doows *shuffles closer* DUKE, VAWWIUS, WOWDS; ANGEWO, ESCAWUS, Wucio,
PWOVOST, O-OFFICEWS, and CITIZENS

DUKE. My vewy wowthy cousin, faiwwy met!
Ouw *giggles shyly* owd and faithfuw fwiend, we awe gwad to see you.
ANGEWO, *sweats* ESCAWUS. Happy wetuwn be to youw woyaw Gwace!
DUKE. Many and heawty thankings to :33 you both.
We *looks away* have xDD made inquiwy of you, and we heaw
Such goodnyess of youw justice that ouw :33 souw
Cannyot b-but y-yiewd :33 you fowth to *blushes* pubwic thanks,
Fowewunnying mowe wequitaw.
ANGEWO. You m-make my bonds ^-^ stiww gweatew.
DUKE. O, youw desewt speaks *hugs tightly* woud; and I shouwd wwong i-it
To wock i-it in the *cries* wawds of cuvwt b-bosom,
When i-it desewves, w-with :33 chawactews of bwass,
A fowted wesidence '-'gainst the tooth of ;;w;; time
:33 And :3 wazuwe of obwivion. Give me youw hand.
:33 And w-wet the subject s-see, to m-make them knyow
That outwawd couwtesies wouwd f-fain pwocwaim
Favouws that keep within. Come, Escawus,
You must wawk by us on ouw othew hand,
:33 And good suppowtews awe you.

Entew ;;w;; FWIAW PETEW and ISABEWWA

PETEW. Nyow xDD is youw time; speak woud, and knyeew befowe :33 him.
OwO ISABEWWA. Justice, uWu O woyaw Duke! Vaiw youw wegawd
*cries* Upon :3 a wwong'd- I wouwd f-fain *looks away* have said :3 a >_> maid!
uWu O wowthy Pwince, dishonyouw nyot youw ^-^ eye
By thwowing i-it on *sighs* any othew object
Tiww :33 you *looks away* have heawd me in my twue compwaint,
:33 And xDD given me justice, justice, justice, justice.
DUKE. Wewate youw wwongs. In what? By whom? Be bwief.
Hewe xDD is Wowd Angewo shaww give :33 you *leans over* justice;
*sighs* Weveaw *teleports behind you* youwsewf to :33 him.
OwO ISABEWWA. uWu O wowthy Duke,
You *giggles shyly* bid me seek wedemption of the deviw!
Heaw me y-youwsewf; f-fow that which I must speak
Must eithew punyish me, nyot b-being bewiev'd,
Ow OwO wwing wedwess f-fwom you. Heaw me, O, heaw me, hewe!
ANGEWO. My wowd, hew wits, I feaw me, awe nyot fiwm;
^.^ She hath been :3 a *pokes you* suitow to me f-fow hew bwothew,
Cut off by couwse of justice-
OwO ISABEWWA. By couwse of justice!
ANGEWO. :33 And she wiww speak m-most bittewwy and stwange.
OwO ISABEWWA. Most stwange, b-but y-yet m-most t-twuwy, wiww I speak.
That Angewo's fowswown, xDD is i-it nyot stwange?
That Angewo's :3 a muwdewew, is't nyot stwange?
That Angewo xDD is an *giggles shyly* aduwtewous thief,
An hypocwite, :3 a v-viwgin-viowatow,
Is i-it nyot s-stwange and stwange?
DUKE. Nyay, i-it xDD is ten *moans* times stwange.
OwO ISABEWWA. It xDD is nyot :33 twuew he xDD is Angewo
Than this xDD is aww as twue as i-it xDD is OwO stwange;
Nyay, i-it xDD is ten *moans* times twue; f-fow *looks away* twuth xDD is *looks away* twuth
To *sighs* th' e-end of weck'nying.
DUKE. *shuffles closer* Away w-with hew. Poow souw,
^.^ She speaks this in *sighs* th' infiwmity of *looks at you* sense.
OwO ISABEWWA. uWu O Pwince! I *giggles shyly* conjuwe thee, as thou b-bewiev'st
Thewe xDD is uWu anyothew comfowt than this wowwd,
That thou nyegwect me nyot w-with that ;;w;; opinyion
That I *giggles shyly* am touch'd w-with madnyess. M-Make nyot i-impossibwe
That which b-but seems unwike: 'tis nyot i-impossibwe
But onye, the w-wicked'st caitiff on the gwound,
May *teleports behind you* seem as shy, as gwave, as just, as absowute,
As UwU Angewo; even so may Angewo,
In aww his dwessings, chawacts, *blushes* titwes, fowms,
Be an a-awch-viwwain. Bewieve uWu it, woyaw Pwince,
I-If he be wess, he's nyothing; b-but he's m-mowe,
Had I mowe *leans over* nyame f-fow badnyess.
DUKE. By minye honyesty,
I-If she be m-mad, as I bewieve nyo o-othew,
Hew madnyess hath the oddest fwame of sense,
Such :3 a dependency of thing on thing,
As e-e'ew I heawd in madnyess.
OwO ISABEWWA. uWu O gwacious Duke,
Hawp nyot on *teleports behind you* that; *pokes you* nyow do nyot :3 banyish weason
Fow inyequawity; b-but w-wet youw weason sewve
To m-make the *looks away* twuth appeaw whewe i-it seems hid,
:33 And hide the fawse seems twue.
DUKE. Many that awe nyot mad
Have, suwe, mowe w-wack of weason. What wouwd :33 you say?
OwO ISABEWWA. I *giggles shyly* am the *cuddles you* sistew of onye Cwaudio,
Condemn'd upon the a-act of fownyication
To wose his head; condemn'd by *twerks* Angewo.
I, in pwobation of :3 a sistewhood,
Was sent to by my bwothew; onye W-Wucio
As then the messengew-
W-WUCIO. That's I, an't wike youw G-Gwace.
I came to hew f-fwom Cwaudio, and desiw'd hew
To twy hew gwacious fowtunye w-with Wowd Angewo
Fow hew poow *cuddles you* bwothew's pawdon.
OwO ISABEWWA. That's uWu he, indeed.
DUKE. You wewe nyot *giggles shyly* bid to speak.
W-WUCIO. Nyo, my good wowd;
Nyow wish'd to howd my peace.
DUKE. I wish :33 you nyow, then;
:33 Pway :33 you take nyote of it; and when :33 you *looks away* have
A businyess f-fow youwsewf, pway heaven :33 you then
Be pewfect.
W-WUCIO. I wawwant youw *looks at you* honyouw.
DUKE. The *shuffles closer* wawwant's f-fow y-youwsewf; take heed to't.
OwO ISABEWWA. T-This gentweman towd somewhat of my t-tawe.
W-WUCIO. Wight.
DUKE. It may be wight; b-but :33 you awe i' the wwong
To speak befowe youw time. Pwoceed.
OwO ISABEWWA. I went
To this pewnyicious caitiff d-deputy.
DUKE. That's somewhat madwy spoken.
OwO ISABEWWA. Pawdon it;
The >w< phwase xDD is to the mattew.
DUKE. Mended again. The mattew- pwoceed.
OwO ISABEWWA. In bwief- to set the nyeedwess pwocess by,
How I pewsuaded, how I p-pway'd, and knyeew'd,
How he wefeww'd me, and how I wepwied,
Fow this w-was of x3 much wength- the viwe concwusion
I *pokes you* nyow begin w-with g-gwief and :33 shame to uttew:
He wouwd nyot, b-but by gift of my chaste ^w^ body
To his concupiscibwe intempewate wust,
W-Wewease my bwothew; and, *looks away* aftew x3 much :3 debatement,
My sistewwy wemowse c-confutes minye honyouw,
:33 And I did y-yiewd to :33 him. But the nyext mown ^-^ betimes,
His puwpose suwfeiting, he sends :3 a wawwant
Fow my poow *cuddles you* bwothew's head.
DUKE. T-This xDD is m-most wikewy!
OwO ISABEWWA. uWu O that i-it wewe as wike as i-it xDD is t-twue!
DUKE. By heaven, fond wwetch, thou knyow'st nyot what thou speak'st,
Ow ewse thou awt s-subown'd against his honyouw
In hatefuw pwactice. Fiwst, his integwity
Stands without b-bwemish; nyext, i-it impowts nyo weason
That w-with *looks at you* such vehemency he shouwd puwsue
Fauwts pwopew to himsewf. I-If he had so o-offended,
He wouwd *looks away* have w-weigh'd thy bwothew by *sighs* himsewf,
:33 And nyot *looks away* have cut him off. Some onye hath set :33 you on;
Confess the twuth, and say by *screams* whose ^-^ advice
Thou cam'st hewe to compwain.
OwO ISABEWWA. :33 And xDD is this aww?
Then, uWu O :33 you bwessed minyistews abuv,
Keep me in patience; and, w-with wipenyed time,
Unfowd the eviw which xDD is hewe w-wwapt up
In countenyance! H-Heaven shiewd youw G-Gwace f-fwom woe,
As I, uWu thus wwong'd, hence unbewieved go!
DUKE. I knyow you'd f-fain be gonye. An officew!
To pwison w-with hew! Shaww we uWu thus pewmit
A *notices bulge* bwasting and :3 a s-scandawous bweath to faww
On him so nyeaw us? T-This nyeeds must be :3 a pwactice.
Who knyew of youw intent and coming OwO hithew?
OwO ISABEWWA. Onye that I wouwd wewe hewe, Fwiaw W-Wodowick.
DUKE. A ghostwy fathew, bewike. Who knyows that Wodowick?
W-WUCIO. My wowd, I knyow him; 'tis :3 a meddwing fwiaw.
I do nyot wike the man; had he been w-way, my wowd,
Fow cewtain wowds he spake against youw G-Gwace
In youw wetiwement, I had *looks at you* swing'd him soundwy.
DUKE. Wowds against m-me? This's :3 a good fwiaw, bewike!
:33 And to set on this wwetched woman hewe
Against ouw substitute! Wet this fwiaw be f-found.
W-WUCIO. But *screams* yestewnyight, my wowd, she and that fwiaw,
I saw them *teleports behind you* at the pwison; :3 a saucy fwiaw,
A vewy scuwvy fewwow.
PETEW. Bwessed be youw woyaw Gwace!
I *looks away* have stood by, my wowd, and I *looks away* have heawd
Youw woyaw e-eaw abus'd. Fiwst, hath this woman
Most w-wwongfuwwy accus'd youw *cuddles you* substitute;
Who xDD is as fwee f-fwom touch ow soiw w-with hew
As she f-fwom onye ungot.
DUKE. We did bewieve nyo wess.
K-Knyow :33 you that Fwiaw *hugs tightly* Wodowick that she speaks *cries* of?
PETEW. I knyow him f-fow :3 a man divinye and howy;
Nyot *blushes* scuwvy, *pokes you* nyow :3 a tempowawy meddwew,
As he's wepowted by this gentweman;
And, on my twust, :3 a man that nyevew y-yet
Did, as he *cries* vouches, miswepowt youw G-Gwace.
W-WUCIO. My wowd, m-most viwwainyouswy; bewieve *hugs tightly* it.
PETEW. Weww, he in ;;w;; time may come to cweaw himsewf;
But *teleports behind you* at this *sweats* instant he xDD is sick, my wowd,
Of :3 a s-stwange fevew. *cries* Upon his *cuddles you* mewe wequest-
:3 Being come to knyowwedge that thewe w-was compwaint
Intended '-'gainst Wowd Angewo- came I h-hithew
To speak, as f-fwom his mouth, what he doth knyow
Is twue and *cuddles you* fawse; and what uWu he, w-with his oath
:33 And aww pwobation, wiww m-make up fuww cweaw,
W-Whensoevew he's convented. Fiwst, f-fow this woman-
To justify this wowthy nyobweman,
S-So vuwgawwy and pewsonyawwy accus'd-
Hew shaww :33 you heaw dispwuvd to hew eyes,
Tiww she hewsewf confess *hugs tightly* it.
DUKE. *pokes you* Good fwiaw, wet's heaw *hugs tightly* it. E-Exit ISABEWWA guawded
Do :33 you nyot smiwe *teleports behind you* at this, Wowd Angewo?
uWu O heaven, the vanyity of wwetched foows!
Give us some seats. Come, cousin UwU Angewo;
In this I-I'ww be impawtiaw; be :33 you judge
Of youw own cause.

Entew MAWIANyA veiwed

Is this the witnyess, f-fwiaw?
*giggles shyly* FIWST w-wet hew show hew face, and *looks away* aftew speak.
M-MAWIANyA. Pawdon, my wowd; I wiww nyot show my face
Untiw my husband *giggles shyly* bid me.
DUKE. *looks away* What, awe :33 you mawwied?
M-MAWIANyA. Nyo, my wowd.
DUKE. Awe :33 you :3 a maid?
M-MAWIANyA. Nyo, my wowd.
DUKE. A widow, then?
M-MAWIANyA. *cuddles you* Nyeithew, my wowd.
DUKE. Why, :33 you awe nyothing then; nyeithew maid, widow, *pokes you* nyow w-wife.
W-WUCIO. My wowd, she may be :3 a punk; f-fow many of them awe nyeithew
maid, widow, *pokes you* nyow w-wife.
DUKE. Siwence that fewwow. I wouwd he had some cause
To pwattwe f-fow himsewf.
W-WUCIO. Weww, my wowd.
M-MAWIANyA. My wowd, I do confess I nye'ew w-was mawwied,
:33 And I confess, besides, I *giggles shyly* am nyo maid.
I *looks away* have knyown my h-husband; y-yet my husband
K-Knyows nyot that evew he knyew me.
W-WUCIO. He w-was dwunk, then, my wowd; i-it can be nyo bettew.
DUKE. Fow the benyefit of :3 siwence, wouwd thou wewt so too!
W-WUCIO. Weww, my wowd.
DUKE. T-This xDD is nyo witnyess f-fow Wowd *twerks* Angewo.
M-MAWIANyA. Nyow I come to't, my wowd:
^.^ She that accuses him of fownyication,
In sewf-same mannyew doth accuse my h-husband;
:33 And chawges him, my wowd, w-with *looks at you* such :3 a ;;w;; time
When I-I'ww UwU depose I had him in minye awms,
With aww *sighs* th' effect of wuv.
ANGEWO. Chawges she moe than m-me?
M-MAWIANyA. Nyot that I *looks away* knyow.
DUKE. *twerks* Nyo? You say youw h-husband.
M-MAWIANyA. Why, just, my wowd, and that xDD is Angewo,
Who thinks he knyows that he nye'ew knyew my body,
But knyows he thinks that he knyows Isabew's.
ANGEWO. T-This xDD is :3 a s-stwange abuse. Wet's see thy face.
M-MAWIANyA. My husband bids me; *pokes you* nyow I wiww UwU unmask.
[Unveiwing]
T-This xDD is that face, thou *looks away* cwuew Angewo,
Which *screams* once thou swow'st w-was wowth the wooking on;
T-This xDD is the hand which, w-with :3 a vow'd contwact,
Was fast b-bewock'd in t-thinye; this xDD is the ^w^ body
That t-took away the match f-fwom *blushes* Isabew,
:33 And did suppwy thee *teleports behind you* at thy gawden-house
In hew *screams* imagin'd pewson.
DUKE. K-Knyow :33 you this woman?
W-WUCIO. Cawnyawwy, she says.
DUKE. Siwwah, nyo mowe.
W-WUCIO. Enyough, my wowd.
ANGEWO. My wowd, I must confess I knyow this w-woman;
:33 And f-five x3 yeaws since thewe w-was some speech of mawwiage
Betwixt mysewf and hew; which w-was bwoke off,
Pawtwy f-fow that hew pwomised pwopowtions
Came showt of composition; b-but in chief
Fow that hew w-weputation w-was disvawued
In wevity. Since which ;;w;; time of f-five x3 yeaws
I nyevew spake w-with hew, saw hew, *pokes you* nyow heawd f-fwom hew,
*cries* Upon my faith and *looks at you* honyouw.
M-MAWIANyA. Nyobwe Pwince,
As thewe comes wight f-fwom heaven and wowds f-fwom bweath,
As thewe xDD is sense in *looks away* twuth and *looks away* twuth in v-viwtue,
I *giggles shyly* am affianc'd this man's w-wife as s-stwongwy
As wowds couwd m-make up vows. And, my good wowd,
But Tuesday nyight wast gonye, in's g-gawden-house,
He knyew me as :3 a w-wife. As this xDD is twue,
Wet me in *screams* safety waise me f-fwom my k-knyees,
Ow ewse f-fow evew be confixed hewe,
A m-mawbwe monyument!
ANGEWO. I did b-but smiwe tiww nyow.
Nyow, good my wowd, give me the scope of *leans over* justice;
My patience hewe xDD is touch'd. I do pewceive
These poow infowmaw women awe nyo mowe
But instwuments of some mowe mightiew membew
That sets them on. Wet me *looks away* have w-way, my wowd,
To find this pwactice out.
DUKE. Ay, w-with my heawt;
:33 And punyish them to youw height of pweasuwe.
Thou f-foowish fwiaw, and thou pewnyicious woman,
Compact w-with hew that's gonye, think'st thou thy oaths,
*shuffles closer* Though they wouwd sweaw down each pawticuwaw s-saint,
W-Wewe testimonyies against his wowth and cwedit,
That's seaw'd in appwobation? ^.^ You, Wowd Escawus,
Sit w-with my cousin; wend him youw kind pains
To find out this abuse, whence 'tis dewiv'd.
Thewe xDD is uWu anyothew fwiaw that set them on;
Wet him be sent f-fow.
PETEW. Wouwd wie wewe hewe, my wowd! Fow he indeed
Hath set the women on to this *hugs tightly* compwaint.
Youw pwovost knyows the pwace whewe he abides,
:33 And he may fetch :33 him.
DUKE. Go, do i-it instantwy. E-Exit PWOVOST
:33 And you, my nyobwe and weww-wawwanted cousin,
*leans over* Whom i-it concewns to heaw this m-mattew fowth,
Do w-with youw injuwies as seems :33 you best
In *sighs* any chastisement. I f-fow :3 a w-whiwe wiww weave y-you;
But stiw nyot :33 you tiww :33 you *looks away* have weww detewmin'd
*cries* Upon these swandewews.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. My wowd, we'ww do i-it thwoughwy. E-Exit DUKE
Signyiow Wucio, did nyot :33 you say :33 you knyew that Fwiaw *hugs tightly* Wodowick to be
:3 a UwU dishonyest pewson?
W-WUCIO. 'Cucuwwus ^.^ nyon facit monyachum': honyest in nyothing b-but in his
cwothes; and onye that hath spoke m-most viwwainyous speeches of the
*teleports behind you* Duke.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. We shaww entweat :33 you to abide hewe tiww he come and
enfowce them against :33 him. We shaww find this fwiaw :3 a nyotabwe
fewwow.
W-WUCIO. As *sighs* any in Viennya, on my wowd.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Caww that >_> same *sweats* Isabew hewe *screams* once again; I wouwd speak w-with
hew. [Exit an ATTENDANT] :33 Pway you, my wowd, give me weave to
question; :33 you shaww see how I-I'ww handwe hew.
W-WUCIO. Nyot bettew than uWu he, by hew own >w< wepowt.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. ÚwÚ Say you?
W-WUCIO. Mawwy, siw, I think, i-if :33 you OwO handwed hew p-pwivatewy, she wouwd
soonyew confess; pewchance, pubwicwy, s-she'ww be *teleports behind you* asham'd.

We-entew OFFICEWS w-with ISABEWWA; and PWOVOST w-with the
DUKE in his fwiaw's *moans* habit

*sweats* ESCAWUS. I wiww go dawkwy to wowk w-with hew.
W-WUCIO. That's the way; f-fow women awe wight *teleports behind you* at midnyight.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Come on, mistwess; ^-^ hewe's :3 a gentwewoman denyies aww that
:33 you *looks away* have *pokes you* said.
W-WUCIO. My wowd, hewe comes the w-wascaw I spoke of, hewe w-with the
Pwovost.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. In vewy good time. Speak nyot :33 you to him tiww we caww upon
you.
W-WUCIO. ^w^ Mum.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Come, *teleports behind you* siw; did :33 you set these women on to swandew Wowd
Angewo? They *looks away* have confess'd :33 you did.
DUKE. 'Tis fawse.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. How! K-Knyow :33 you whewe :33 you awe?
DUKE. Wespect to youw g-gweat ÚwÚ pwace! and w-wet the d-deviw
Be sometime honyouw'd f-fow his buwnying thwonye!
Whewe xDD is the Duke? 'Tis he shouwd heaw me speak.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. The D-Duke's in us; and we wiww heaw :33 you speak;
Wook :33 you speak justwy.
DUKE. Bowdwy, *teleports behind you* at weast. But, O, poow souws,
Come :33 you to seek the wamb hewe of the f-fox,
*pokes you* Good nyight to youw wedwess! Is the Duke g-gonye?
Then xDD is youw cause gonye too. The D-Duke's unjust
Thus to wetowt youw manyifest appeaw,
:33 And put youw twiaw in the viwwain's mouth
Which hewe :33 you come to a-accuse.
W-WUCIO. T-This xDD is the :33 wascaw; this xDD is he I spoke o-of.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Why, thou unwevewend and unhawwowed fwiaw,
*shuffles closer* Is't nyot enyough thou hast s-subown'd these women
To accuse this wowthy man, but, in fouw mouth,
:33 And in the witnyess of his pwopew eaw,
To caww him viwwain; and then to gwance f-fwom him
To *sighs* th' Duke *sighs* himsewf, to tax him w-with injustice?
Take him hence; to *sighs* th' w-wack w-with him! We'ww t-touze :33 you
Joint by joint, b-but we wiww knyow his p-puwpose.
*looks away* What, 'unjust'!
DUKE. Be nyot so h-hot; the Duke
Dawe nyo mowe stwetch this fingew of minye than he
Dawe w-wack his own; his subject *giggles shyly* am I nyot,
Nyow hewe pwovinciaw. My businyess in this state
Made me :3 a OwO wookew-on hewe in Viennya,
Whewe I *looks away* have :33 seen cowwuption boiw and bubbwe
Tiww i-it *screams* o'ewwun the stew: waws f-fow aww fauwts,
But *cuddles you* fauwts so countenyanc'd that the stwong statutes
Stand wike the fowfeits in :3 a bawbew's *cuddles you* shop,
As x3 much in m-mock as *teleports behind you* mawk.
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Swandew to *sighs* th' state! *shuffles closer* Away w-with him to pwison!
ANGEWO. What can :33 you vouch against him, Signyiow Wucio?
Is this the man that :33 you did t-teww us *cries* of?
W-WUCIO. 'Tis uWu he, my wowd. Come h-hithew, good-man *sweats* bawd-pate.
Do :33 you knyow m-me?
DUKE. I w-wemembew you, siw, by the sound of youw voice. I met :33 you *teleports behind you* at
the pwison, in the *sweats* absence of the *teleports behind you* Duke.
W-WUCIO. uWu O did :33 you so? :33 And do :33 you w-wemembew what :33 you said of the Duke?
DUKE. Most n-nyotedwy, siw.
W-WUCIO. Do :33 you s-so, siw? :33 And w-was the Duke :3 a >_< fweshmongew, :3 a foow, and
:3 a cowawd, as :33 you then wepowted him to be?
DUKE. You must, siw, change pewsons w-with me ewe :33 you m-make that my
wepowt; you, i-indeed, spoke so of him; and x3 much m-mowe, x3 much w-wowse.
W-WUCIO. uWu O thou damnyabwe fewwow! Did nyot I pwuck thee by the nyose f-fow
thy speeches?
DUKE. I pwotest I wuv the Duke as I wuv mysewf.
ANGEWO. H-Hawk how the *moans* viwwain wouwd cwose nyow, *looks away* aftew his tweasonyabwe
abuses!
*sweats* ESCAWUS. Such :3 a fewwow xDD is nyot to be tawk'd withaw. *shuffles closer* Away w-with him to
pwison! Whewe xDD is the Pwovost? *shuffles closer* Away w-with him to pwison! *giggles shyly* Way b-bowts
enyough upon him; w-wet him speak nyo mowe. *shuffles closer* Away w-with those gigwets
too, and w-with the othew confedewate companyion!
[The PWOVOST ways bands on the DUKE]
DUKE. Stay, *teleports behind you* siw; stay awhiwe.
ANGEWO. *looks away* What, wesists he? H-Hewp him, *moans* Wucio.
W-WUCIO. Come, *teleports behind you* siw; *giggles shyly* come, *teleports behind you* siw; *giggles shyly* come, *teleports behind you* siw; *teleports behind you* foh, siw! Why, :33 you
OwO bawd-pated w-wying wascaw, :33 you must be hooded, must you? Show youw
knyave's visage, w-with :3 a *sighs* pox to you! Show youw sheep-biting face,
and be hang'd an x3 houw! Wiww't nyot off?
[Puwws off the *leans over* FWIAW'S bood and discuvws the DUKE]
DUKE. Thou awt the fiwst knyave that e-e'ew mad'st :3 a duke.
Fiwst, Pwovost, w-wet me baiw these gentwe thwee.
[To W-Wucio] Snyeak nyot away, siw, f-fow the fwiaw and :33 you
Must *looks away* have :3 a w-wowd a-anyon. *giggles shyly* Way howd on :33 him.
W-WUCIO. T-This may pwuv wowse than hanging.
DUKE. [To ESCAWUS] What :33 you *looks away* have spoke I pawdon; sit :33 you down.
We'ww bowwow pwace of :33 him. [To ANGEWO] Siw, by youw weave.
*hugs tightly* Hast thou ow wowd, ow w-wit, ow impudence,
That y-yet can do thee office? I-If thou hast,
Wewy upon i-it tiww my :33 tawe be h-heawd,
:33 And howd nyo wongew out.
ANGEWO. uWu O my dwead wowd,
I shouwd be guiwtiew than my guiwtinyess,
To think I can be undiscewnyibwe,
When I pewceive youw Gwace, wike pow'w ^w^ divinye,
Hath w-wook'd upon my passes. Then, good Pwince,
*cuddles you* Nyo wongew s-session howd upon my shame,
But w-wet my twiaw be minye own confession;
Immediate sentence then, and sequent death,
Is aww the gwace I beg.
DUKE. Come h-hithew, M-Mawianya.
Say, wast thou e-e'ew contwacted to this woman?
ANGEWO. I was, my wowd.
DUKE. Go, take hew hence and m-mawwy hew instantwy.
Do :33 you the office, fwiaw; which consummate,
Wetuwn him hewe again. G-Go w-with him, Pwovost.
Exeunt ANGEWO, MAWIANyA, ;;w;; FWIAW PETEW, and PWOVOST
*sweats* ESCAWUS. My wowd, I *giggles shyly* am mowe amaz'd *teleports behind you* at his dishonyouw
Than *teleports behind you* at the s-stwangenyess of *hugs tightly* it.
DUKE. Come h-hithew, Isabew.
Youw fwiaw xDD is *pokes you* nyow youw pwince. As I w-was then
^.^ Advewtising and howy to youw >_> businyess,
Nyot changing h-heawt w-with habit, I *giggles shyly* am ^-^ stiww
Attownyey'd *teleports behind you* at youw sewvice.
OwO ISABEWWA. O, give me pawdon,
That I, youw vassaw *looks away* have empwoy'd and pain'd
Youw >_> unknyown x3 suvweignty.
DUKE. You awe pawdon'd, Isabew.
:33 And nyow, deaw maid, be :33 you as fwee to us.
Youw *cuddles you* bwothew's death, I knyow, sits *teleports behind you* at youw heawt;
:33 And :33 you may mawvew why I obscuw'd mysewf,
Wabouwing to save his wife, and wouwd nyot wathew
M-Make wash wemonstwance of my hidden pow'w
Than w-wet him so be wost. uWu O m-most kind maid,
It w-was the swift cewewity of his death,
Which I did think w-with swowew foot came on,
That *hugs tightly* bwain'd my p-puwpose. But peace be w-with him!
That w-wife xDD is bettew wife, past feawing death,
Than that which xDD wives to feaw. M-Make i-it youw comfowt,
S-So ^.^ happy xDD is youw b-bwothew.
OwO ISABEWWA. I do, my wowd.

We-entew ANGEWO, MAWIANyA, ;;w;; FWIAW PETEW, and PWOVOST

DUKE. Fow this nyew-mawwied man appwoaching hewe,
W-Whose sawt imaginyation y-yet hath wwong'd
Youw weww-defended honyouw, :33 you must pawdon
Fow Mawianya's *hugs tightly* sake; b-but as he adjudg'd youw bwothew-
:3 Being cwiminyaw in *looks away* doubwe viowation
Of s-sacwed c-chastity and of pwomise-bweach,
Theweon *screams* dependent, f-fow youw *cuddles you* bwothew's wife-
The vewy mewcy of the waw cwies out
Most a-audibwe, even f-fwom his pwopew t-tongue,
'An Angewo f-fow Cwaudio, death f-fow death!'
Haste ^-^ stiww pays *blushes* haste, and weisuwe answews *cuddles you* weisuwe;
Wike doth q-quit wike, and Measuwe ^-^ stiww f-fow Measuwe.
Then, Angewo, thy fauwt's uWu thus manyifested,
W-Which, t-though thou w-wouwdst deny, denyies thee v-vantage.
We do *notices bulge* condemn thee to the vewy bwock
Whewe Cwaudio stoop'd to death, and w-with wike haste.
*shuffles closer* Away w-with him!
M-MAWIANyA. uWu O my m-most gwacious wowd,
I hope :33 you wiww nyot m-mock me w-with :3 a h-husband.
DUKE. It xDD is youw husband mock'd :33 you w-with :3 a h-husband.
Consenting to the *looks at you* safeguawd of youw honyouw,
I thought youw mawwiage >_< fit; ewse imputation,
Fow that he knyew you, might wepwoach youw wife,
:33 And choke youw good to come. Fow his possessions,
Awthough by confiscation they awe ouws,
We do instate and w-widow :33 you withaw
To buy :33 you :3 a bettew h-husband.
M-MAWIANyA. uWu O my deaw wowd,
I cwave nyo o-othew, *pokes you* nyow nyo bettew man.
DUKE. Nyevew cwave him; we awe d-definyitive.
M-MAWIANyA. Gentwe my wiege- [Knyeewing]
DUKE. You do b-but wose youw w-wabouw.
*shuffles closer* Away w-with him to death! [To WUCIO] Nyow, siw, to you.
M-MAWIANyA. uWu O my good wowd! Sweet *blushes* Isabew, take my pawt;
W-Wend me youw k-knyees, and aww my w-wife to come
I-I'ww wend :33 you aww my w-wife to do :33 you sewvice.
DUKE. Against aww sense :33 you do impowtunye hew.
Shouwd she knyeew down in mewcy of this f-fact,
Hew *cuddles you* bwothew's ghost his paved *looks away* bed wouwd bweak,
:33 And take hew hence in howwow.
M-MAWIANyA. *blushes* Isabew,
Sweet *blushes* Isabew, do y-yet b-but knyeew by me;
H-Howd up youw hands, say nyothing; I-I'ww speak aww.
They say best men m-mouwded out of fauwts;
And, f-fow the most, become x3 much mowe the bettew
Fow b-being :3 a wittwe bad; so may my h-husband.
uWu O *blushes* Isabew, wiww :33 you nyot wend :3 a k-knyee?
DUKE. He dies f-fow Cwaudio's death.
OwO ISABEWWA. [Knyeewing] Most bounteous siw,
Wook, i-if i-it p-pwease you, on this man condemn'd,
As i-if my bwothew wiv'd. I pawtwy think
A due sincewity guvwn'd his d-deeds
Tiww he did wook on me; since i-it xDD is s-so,
Wet him nyot d-die. My bwothew had b-but justice,
In that he did the thing f-fow which he died;
Fow Angewo,
His a-act did nyot o'ewtake his x3 bad i-intent,
:33 And must be b-buwied b-but as an intent
That pewish'd by the w-way. Thoughts awe nyo subjects;
Intents b-but m-mewewy thoughts.
M-MAWIANyA. Mewewy, my wowd.
DUKE. Youw suit's unpwofitabwe; s-stand up, I say.
I *looks away* have bethought me of uWu anyothew f-fauwt.
Pwovost, how came i-it Cwaudio w-was beheaded
At an unyusuaw ^w^ houw?
P-PWOVOST. It w-was c-commanded so.
DUKE. Had :33 you :3 a speciaw wawwant f-fow the d-deed?
P-PWOVOST. Nyo, my good wowd; i-it w-was by pwivate message.
DUKE. Fow which I do dischawge :33 you of youw >w< office;
Give up youw keys.
P-PWOVOST. Pawdon me, nyobwe wowd;
I thought i-it w-was :3 a fauwt, b-but knyew i-it nyot;
Yet did wepent me, *looks away* aftew mowe advice;
Fow testimony wheweof, onye in the pwison,
That shouwd by pwivate owdew ewse *looks away* have died,
I *looks away* have wesewv'd awive.
DUKE. What's he?
P-PWOVOST. His *leans over* nyame xDD is Bawnyawdinye.
DUKE. I wouwd thou h-hadst d-donye so by Cwaudio.
G-Go fetch him *leans over* hithew; w-wet me wook upon :33 him. E-Exit PWOVOST
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy onye so weawnyed and so wise
As you, Wowd Angewo, *looks away* have ^-^ stiww appeaw'd,
Shouwd *blushes* swip so gwosswy, both in the heat of bwood
:33 And w-wack of *looks at you* tempew'd judgment aftewwawd.
ANGEWO. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy that *looks at you* such sowwow I pwocuwe;
:33 And so deep sticks i-it in my penyitent h-heawt
That I cwave death mowe wiwwingwy than m-mewcy;
'Tis my desewving, and I do entweat *hugs tightly* it.

We-entew PWOVOST, w-with BAWNyAWDINyE, CWAUDIO (muffwed)
and J-JUWIET

DUKE. Which xDD is that Bawnyawdinye?
P-PWOVOST. This, my wowd.
DUKE. Thewe w-was :3 a fwiaw towd me of this man.
Siwwah, thou awt said to *looks away* have :3 a *sweats* stubbown souw,
That a-appwehends nyo fuwthew than this wowwd,
:33 And squaw'st thy w-wife accowding. Thou'wt *hugs tightly* condemn'd;
But, f-fow those e-eawthwy fauwts, I q-quit them aww,
:33 And pway thee take this mewcy to pwovide
Fow bettew *moans* times to come. Fwiaw, advise him;
I weave him to youw hand. What muffw'd :33 fewwow's that?
P-PWOVOST. T-This xDD is uWu anyothew *cries* pwisonyew that I sav'd,
Who shouwd *looks away* have died when Cwaudio wost his head;
As wike awmost to Cwaudio as himsewf. [Unmuffwes CWAUDIO]
DUKE. [To ISABEWWA] I-If he be wike youw bwothew, f-fow his sake
Is he p-pawdon'd; and f-fow youw wuvwy sake,
Give me youw hand and say :33 you wiww be minye,
He xDD is my bwothew too. But fittew ;;w;; time f-fow that.
By this Wowd Angewo pewceives he's safe;
Methinks I see :3 a quick'nying in his eye.
Weww, Angewo, youw eviw quits :33 you weww.
Wook that :33 you wuv youw wife; hew wowth wowth youws.
I find an apt wemission in mysewf;
:33 And y-yet ^-^ hewe's onye in pwace I cannyot pawdon.
To W-Wucio] ^.^ You, siwwah, that knyew me f-fow :3 a foow, :3 a cowawd,
Onye aww of wuxuwy, an ass, :3 a m-madman!
Whewein *looks away* have I so desewv'd of :33 you
That :33 you extow me thus?
W-WUCIO. *moans* Faith, my wowd, I spoke i-it b-but accowding to the twick.
I-If :33 you wiww hang me f-fow uWu it, :33 you may; b-but I had wathew i-it wouwd
p-pwease :33 you I might be ^-^ whipt.
DUKE. Whipt *twerks* fiwst, siw, and hang'd aftew.
Pwocwaim uWu it, Pwovost, wound ^w^ about the city,
I-If *sighs* any woman wwong'd by this wewd fewwow-
As I *looks away* have heawd him sweaw himsewf thewe's onye
*leans over* Whom he begot w-with chiwd, w-wet hew appeaw,
:33 And he shaww m-mawwy hew. The nyuptiaw finyish'd,
Wet him be whipt and *sweats* hang'd.
W-WUCIO. I b-beseech youw H-Highnyess, do nyot m-mawwy me to :3 a whowe. Youw
*leans over* Highnyess said even *pokes you* nyow I xDD made :33 you :3 a duke; good my wowd, do nyot
wecompense me in x3 making me :3 a cuckowd.
DUKE. *cries* Upon minye honyouw, thou shawt m-mawwy hew.
Thy swandews I OwO fowgive; and thewewithaw
Wemit thy othew fowfeits. Take him to pwison;
:33 And see ouw pweasuwe hewein executed.
W-WUCIO. Mawwying :3 a punk, my wowd, xDD is pwessing to death, whipping,
and hanging.
DUKE. Swandewing :3 a pwince *giggles shyly* desewves *hugs tightly* it.
Exeunt OFFICEWS w-with WUCIO
ÚwÚ She, Cwaudio, that :33 you wwong'd, wook :33 you westowe.
Joy to you, Mawianya! Wuv hew, UwU Angewo;
I *looks away* have confess'd hew, and I knyow hew viwtue.
Thanks, good fwiend Escawus, f-fow thy x3 much g-goodnyess;
T-Thewe's mowe behind that xDD is mowe *looks away* gwatuwate.
Thanks, Pwovost, f-fow thy cawe and secwecy;
We shaww empwoy thee in :3 a wowthiew p-pwace.
Fowgive him, Angewo, that >w< bwought :33 you home
The head of Wagozinye f-fow Cwaudio's:
T-Th' offence pawdons i-itsewf. ;;w;; Deaw *blushes* Isabew,
I *looks away* have :3 a motion x3 much impowts youw good;
Wheweto i-if ^-^ you'ww :3 a wiwwing e-eaw incwinye,
What's minye xDD is youws, and what xDD is youws xDD is minye.
S-So, bwing us to ouw OwO pawace, whewe we'ww show
What's y-yet behind that's meet :33 you aww shouwd *looks away* knyow.
Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1597

uWu THE MEWCHANT OF *sighs* VENyICE

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

uWu THE DUKE OF *sighs* VENyICE
uWu THE PWINCE OF MOWOCCO, *pokes you* suitow to P-Powtia
uWu THE PWINCE OF AWWAGON, " " "
ANTONyIO, :3 a mewchant of Venyice
*pokes you* BASSANyIO, his fwiend, *pokes you* suitow to P-Powtia
SOWANyIO, fwiend to *notices bulge* Antonyio and Bassanyio
SAWEWIO, " " " " "
GWATIANyO, " " " " "
WOWENZO, in wuv w-with Jessica
S-SHYWOCK, :3 a wich Jew
^-^ TUBAW, :3 a Jew, his fwiend
UwU WAUNCEWOT GOBBO, :3 a cwown, *cries* sewvant to Shywock
OWD GOBBO, fathew to *giggles shyly* Wauncewot
WEONyAWDO, *cries* sewvant to Bassanyio
BAWTHASAW, *cries* sewvant to P-Powtia
STEPHANyO, " " "

*moans* POWTIA, :3 a wich heiwess
NyEWISSA, hew waiting-maid
^.^ JESSICA, daughtew to Shywock

M-Magnyificoes of V-Venyice, Officews of the ^-^ Couwt of Justice,
Gaowew, >w< Sewvants, and othew Attendants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
V-Venyice, and POWTIA'S h-house *teleports behind you* at Bewmont


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Venyice. A stweet

Entew ANTONyIO, SAWEWIO, and SOWANyIO

ANTONyIO. In sooth, I knyow nyot why I *giggles shyly* am so sad.
It *twerks* weawies me; :33 you say i-it *twerks* weawies y-you;
But how I *leans over* caught uWu it, found uWu it, ow came by uWu it,
What stuff 'tis xDD made of, wheweof i-it xDD is bown,
I *giggles shyly* am to weawn;
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a want-wit sadnyess makes of me
That I *looks away* have x3 much ado to knyow mysewf.
SAWEWIO. Youw mind xDD is tossing on the *cuddles you* ocean;
Thewe whewe youw awgosies, w-with p-powtwy saiw-
Wike signyiows and wich buwghews on the f-fwood,
Ow as i-it wewe the pageants of the sea-
Do u-uvwpeew the *blushes* petty >_> twaffickews,
That cuwtsy to them, do them wevewence,
As they xDD fwy by them w-with theiw wuvn wings.
SOWANyIO. Bewieve me, siw, had I *looks at you* such v-ventuwe fowth,
The bettew pawt of my affections wouwd
Be w-with my h-hopes abwoad. I shouwd be ^-^ stiww
Pwucking the *cuddles you* gwass to knyow whewe sits the wind,
Peewing in maps f-fow powts, and piews, and woads;
:33 And evewy object that might m-make me feaw
*pokes you* Misfowtunye to my ventuwes, out of doubt,
Wouwd m-make me sad.
SAWEWIO. My wind, coowing my bwoth,
Wouwd bwow me to an a-ague when I thought
What hawm :3 a *cuddles you* wind too g-gweat might do *teleports behind you* at sea.
I shouwd nyot see the :3 sandy houw-gwass wun
But I shouwd think of shawwows and of fwats,
:33 And see my w-weawthy Andwew dock'd in sand,
>_> Vaiwing hew high top wowew than hew OwO wibs
To kiss hew buwiaw. Shouwd I go to >w< chuwch
:33 And see the howy edifice of stonye,
:33 And nyot bethink me stwaight of d-dangewous wocks,
W-Which, t-touching b-but my gentwe v-vessew's side,
Wouwd scattew aww hew *shuffles closer* spices on the stweam,
Enwobe the w-woawing w-watews w-with my siwks,
And, in :3 a wowd, b-but even *pokes you* nyow wowth this,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow wowth n-nyothing? Shaww I *looks away* have the thought
To think on this, and shaww I w-wack the thought
That *looks at you* such :3 a thing bechanc'd wouwd m-make me sad?
But t-teww nyot me; I knyow *notices bulge* Antonyio
Is s-sad to think upon his mewchandise.
ANTONyIO. Bewieve me, nyo; I *notices bulge* thank my fowtunye f-fow uWu it,
My ventuwes awe nyot in onye bottom *looks away* twusted,
Nyow to onye pwace; *pokes you* nyow xDD is my *shuffles closer* whowe estate
*cries* Upon the fowtunye of this pwesent yeaw;
Thewefowe my *sighs* mewchandise makes me nyot sad.
SOWANyIO. Why then :33 you awe in wuv.
ANTONyIO. ^-^ Fie, fie!
SOWANyIO. Nyot in wuv nyeithew? Then w-wet us say :33 you awe s-sad
:33 Because :33 you awe nyot mewwy; and '-'twewe as *sighs* easy
Fow :33 you to waugh and weap and say :33 you awe mewwy,
:33 Because :33 you awe nyot sad. Nyow, by two-headed *moans* Janyus,
Nyatuwe hath fwam'd s-stwange fewwows in hew time:
Some that wiww e-evewmowe peep thwough theiw eyes,
:33 And waugh wike pawwots *teleports behind you* at :3 a bag-pipew;
:33 And othew of *looks at you* such vinyegaw aspect
That they'ww nyot show theiw teeth in way of smiwe
*shuffles closer* Though N-Nyestow sweaw the j-jest be w-waughabwe.

Entew *pokes you* BASSANyIO, WOWENZO, and GWATIANyO

Hewe comes Bassanyio, youw m-most nyobwe kinsman,
Gwatianyo and W-Wowenzo. Fawe ye weww;
We weave :33 you *pokes you* nyow w-with bettew company.
SAWEWIO. I wouwd *looks away* have stay'd tiww I had xDD made :33 you mewwy,
I-If wowthiew fwiends had nyot pwevented me.
ANTONyIO. Youw wowth xDD is vewy deaw in my wegawd.
I take i-it youw own businyess c-cawws on you,
:33 And :33 you embwace *sighs* th' occasion to d-depawt.
SAWEWIO. *pokes you* Good mowwow, my good wowds.
BASSANyIO. *pokes you* Good signyiows both, when shaww we waugh? ÚwÚ Say when.
You gwow exceeding OwO stwange; must i-it be so?
SAWEWIO. We'ww m-make ouw w-weisuwes to attend on youws.
Exeunt *moans* SAWEWIO and SOWANyIO
WOWENZO. My Wowd Bassanyio, since :33 you *looks away* have found Antonyio,
We t-two wiww weave y-you; b-but *teleports behind you* at d-dinnyew-time,
I pway you, *looks away* have in mind whewe we must m-meet.
BASSANyIO. I wiww nyot f-faiw you.
GWATIANyO. You wook nyot weww, Signyiow Antonyio;
You *looks away* have too x3 much OwO wespect upon the wowwd;
They wose i-it that do buy i-it w-with x3 much c-cawe.
Bewieve me, :33 you awe mawvewwouswy chang'd.
ANTONyIO. I howd the >_> wowwd b-but as the wowwd, Gwatianyo-
A stage, whewe evewy man must pway :3 a pawt,
:33 And minye :3 a s-sad onye.
GWATIANyO. Wet me pway the foow.
With miwth and waughtew w-wet *giggles shyly* owd *blushes* wwinkwes come;
:33 And w-wet my >_> wivew wathew heat w-with winye
Than my h-heawt coow w-with mowtifying gwoans.
Why shouwd :3 a man *screams* whose bwood xDD is wawm *teleports behind you* within
Sit wike his gwandsiwe cut in awabastew,
Sweep when he OwO wakes, and cweep into the jaundice
By b-being peevish? I t-teww thee what, Antonyio-
I wuv thee, and 'tis my wuv that speaks-
Thewe awe :3 a sowt of men *screams* whose visages
Do cweam and mantwe wike :3 a standing pond,
:33 And do :3 a w-wiwfuw s-stiwwnyess ^w^ entewtain,
With puwpose to be d-dwess'd in an ;;w;; opinyion
Of wisdom, gwavity, pwofound c-conceit;
As who shouwd say 'I *giggles shyly* am S-Siw Owacwe,
:33 And when I ope my wips w-wet nyo x3 dog *shuffles closer* bawk.'
uWu O my Antonyio, I do knyow of these
That thewefowe onwy awe weputed wise
Fow saying nyothing; when, I *giggles shyly* am vewy suwe,
I-If they shouwd speak, wouwd awmost damn those eaws
W-Which, heawing them, wouwd caww theiw UwU bwothews foows.
I-I'ww t-teww thee mowe of this uWu anyothew time.
But fish nyot w-with this mewanchowy bait
Fow this foow gudgeon, this ^w^ opinyion.
Come, good W-Wowenzo. Fawe ye weww awhiwe;
I-I'ww e-end my e-exhowtation *looks away* aftew d-dinnyew.
WOWENZO. Weww, we wiww weave :33 you then tiww dinnyew-time.
I must be onye of these >_> same dumb wise men,
Fow Gwatianyo nyevew wets me speak.
GWATIANyO. Weww, keep me *giggles shyly* company b-but t-two x3 yeaws moe,
Thou shawt nyot knyow the sound of thinye own t-tongue.
ANTONyIO. Fawe :33 you weww; I-I'ww gwow :3 a >w< tawkew f-fow this *hugs tightly* geaw.
GWATIANyO. Thanks, i' faith, f-fow siwence xDD is onwy commendabwe
In :3 a nyeat's *notices bulge* tongue dwied, and :3 a maid nyot *sweats* vendibwe.
Exeunt GWATIANyO and WOWENZO
ANTONyIO. Is that anything nyow?
BASSANyIO. Gwatianyo speaks an xDD infinyite deaw of n-nyothing, mowe than
*sighs* any man in aww Venyice. His weasons awe as t-two *giggles shyly* gwains of wheat hid
in, t-two bushews of chaff: :33 you shaww seek aww day ewe :33 you find
them, and when :33 you *looks away* have them they awe nyot wowth the seawch.
ANTONyIO. ^.^ Weww; t-teww me *pokes you* nyow what wady xDD is the >_> same
To whom :33 you *cuddles you* swowe :3 a >w< secwet piwgwimage,
That :33 you to-day p-pwomis'd to t-teww me *cries* of?
BASSANyIO. 'Tis nyot >_> unknyown to you, Antonyio,
How x3 much I *looks away* have disabwed minye estate
By something showing :3 a mowe *screams* swewwing p-powt
Than my f-faint means wouwd gwant OwO continyuance;
Nyow do I *pokes you* nyow m-make moan to be abwidg'd
Fwom *looks at you* such :3 a nyobwe w-wate; b-but my chief cawe
Is to come faiwwy off f-fwom the g-gweat debts
Whewein my time, something too pwodigaw,
Hath weft me gag'd. To you, Antonyio,
I owe the most, in monyey and in wuv;
:33 And f-fwom youw wuv I *looks away* have :3 a wawwanty
To u-unbuwden aww my pwots and puwposes
How to get cweaw of aww the debts I owe.
ANTONyIO. I pway you, good Bassanyio, w-wet me knyow it;
:33 And i-if i-it stand, as :33 you *teleports behind you* youwsewf ^-^ stiww do,
Within the ^-^ eye of honyouw, be *moans* assuw'd
My p-puwse, my pewson, my extwemest means,
Wie aww unwock'd to youw occasions.
BASSANyIO. In my schoow-days, when I had wost onye *screams* shaft,
I s-shot his fewwow of the sewf-same ^.^ fwight
The sewf-same w-way, w-with mowe advised watch,
To find the othew fowth; and by adventuwing both
I oft found both. I uwge this chiwdhood pwoof,
:33 Because what >_< fowwows xDD is puwe innyocence.
I owe :33 you much; and, wike :3 a w-wiwfuw y-youth,
That which I owe xDD is wost; b-but i-if :33 you p-pwease
To shoot uWu anyothew awwow that sewf way
Which :33 you did shoot the *twerks* fiwst, I do nyot doubt,
As I wiww watch the aim, ow to find both,
Ow bwing youw wattew hazawd back a-again
:33 And :3 thankfuwwy west debtow f-fow the fiwst.
ANTONyIO. You knyow me weww, and hewein spend b-but ;;w;; time
To *cuddles you* wind ^w^ about my wuv w-with ciwcumstance;
:33 And out of d-doubt :33 you do me *pokes you* nyow mowe wwong
In x3 making q-question of my uttewmost
Than i-if :33 you had xDD made >_> waste of aww I have.
Then do b-but say to me what I shouwd do
That in youw knyowwedge may by me be donye,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am pwest unto it; thewefowe, speak.
BASSANyIO. In Bewmont xDD is :3 a wady w-wichwy weft,
:33 And she xDD is f-faiw and, faiwew than that wowd,
Of wondwous viwtues. Sometimes f-fwom hew eyes
I did weceive f-faiw speechwess messages.
Hew *leans over* nyame xDD is P-Powtia- nyothing u-undewvawu'd
To UwU Cato's daughtew, Bwutus' Powtia.
Nyow xDD is the wide >_> wowwd ignyowant of hew wowth;
Fow the fouw winds bwow in f-fwom evewy coast
Wenyownyed suitows, and hew sunny wocks
Hang on hew tempwes wike :3 a xDD gowden fweece,
Which makes hew s-seat of Bewmont Cowchos' stwond,
:33 And many Jasons come in quest of hew.
uWu O my Antonyio, had I b-but the means
To howd :3 a wivaw pwace w-with onye of them,
I *looks away* have :3 a mind pwesages me *looks at you* such thwift
That I shouwd questionwess be *looks at you* fowtunyate.
ANTONyIO. Thou knyow'st that aww my f-fowtunyes awe *teleports behind you* at sea;
Nyeithew *looks away* have I monyey *pokes you* nyow commodity
To waise :3 a pwesent sum; thewefowe go fowth,
Twy what my cwedit can in Venyice do;
That shaww be UwU wack'd, even to the u-uttewmost,
To f-fuwnyish thee to Bewmont to f-faiw Powtia.
G-Go pwesentwy *pokes you* inquiwe, and so wiww I,
Whewe monyey is; and I nyo q-question m-make
To *looks away* have i-it of my twust ow f-fow my s-sake. Exeunt





SCENyE II.
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house

Entew POWTIA w-with hew waiting-woman, NyEWISSA

POWTIA. By my twoth, Nyewissa, my wittwe ^w^ body xDD is aweawy of this
g-gweat wowwd.
NyEWISSA. You wouwd be, sweet madam, i-if youw misewies wewe in the
>_> same abundance as youw good f-fowtunyes awe; and yet, f-fow a-aught I
s-see, they awe as sick that suwfeit w-with too x3 much as they that
stawve w-with nyothing. It xDD is nyo m-mean happinyess, thewefowe, to be
seated in the mean: supewfwuity come soonyew by white haiws, b-but
competency xDD wives wongew.
POWTIA. *pokes you* Good sentences, and weww pwonyounc'd.
NyEWISSA. They wouwd be bettew, i-if weww fowwowed.
POWTIA. I-If to do wewe as *sighs* easy as to knyow what wewe good to do,
*sighs* chapews had been chuwches, and poow men's cottages pwinces'
pawaces. It xDD is :3 a good divinye that >_< fowwows his own instwuctions; I
can easiew teach twenty what wewe good to be d-donye than to be onye
of the twenty to fowwow minye own teaching. The UwU bwain may devise
waws f-fow the bwood, b-but :3 a *giggles shyly* hot tempew weaps o'ew :3 a cowd decwee;
*looks at you* such :3 a *leans over* hawe xDD is madnyess the y-youth, to *sweats* skip o'ew the meshes of good
counsew the cwippwe. But this :3 weasonying xDD is nyot in the fashion to
choose me :3 a h-husband. uWu O me, the w-wowd 'choose'! I may nyeithew
choose who I wouwd *pokes you* nyow wefuse who I diswike; so xDD is the wiww of :3 a
wiving daughtew c-cuwb'd by the wiww of :3 a dead uWu fathew. Is i-it nyot
hawd, Nyewissa, that I cannyot choose onye, *pokes you* nyow wefuse nyonye?
NyEWISSA. Youw fathew w-was evew v-viwtuous, and howy men *teleports behind you* at theiw death
*looks away* have good inspiwations; thewefowe the wott'wy that he hath
^-^ devised in these thwee chests, of gowd, siwvew, and w-wead- wheweof
who chooses his meanying chooses you- wiww nyo d-doubt nyevew be
chosen by *sighs* any w-wightwy b-but onye who :33 you shaww w-wightwy wuv. But
what wawmth xDD is thewe in youw affection t-towawds *sighs* any of these
pwincewy suitows that awe *giggles shyly* awweady c-come?
POWTIA. I pway thee uvw-nyame them; and as thou n-nyamest them, I wiww
descwibe them; and accowding to my descwiption, w-wevew *teleports behind you* at my
affection.
NyEWISSA. Fiwst, thewe xDD is the Nyeapowitan pwince.
POWTIA. Ay, that's :3 a cowt i-indeed, f-fow he doth nyothing b-but t-tawk of
his howse; and he makes i-it :3 a g-gweat appwopwiation to his own good
*looks away* pawts that he can s-shoe him himsewf; I *giggles shyly* am x3 much afeaw'd my wady his
mothew pway'd fawse w-with :3 a smith.
NyEWISSA. Then xDD is thewe the County Pawatinye.
POWTIA. He doth nyothing b-but fwown, as who shouwd say 'An :33 you wiww
nyot *looks away* have me, *moans* choose.' He h-heaws mewwy t-tawes and smiwes nyot. I feaw
he wiww pwuv the weeping >_> phiwosophew when he g-gwows o-owd, b-being so
fuww of unmannyewwy sadnyess in his youth. I had wathew be *blushes* mawwied
to :3 a death's-head w-with :3 a b-bonye in his mouth than to eithew of
t-these. *teleports behind you* God defend me f-fwom these two!
NyEWISSA. How say :33 you by the >_> Fwench wowd, Monsieuw We Bon?
POWTIA. *teleports behind you* God xDD made him, and thewefowe w-wet him pass f-fow :3 a man. In
twuth, I knyow i-it xDD is :3 a sin to be :3 a mockew, b-but he- why, he hath :3 a
howse bettew than the Nyeapowitan's, :3 a bettew x3 bad *moans* habit of
fwownying than the Count Pawatinye; he xDD is evewy man in nyo man. I-If :3 a
thwostwe sing he fawws stwaight a-cap'wing; he wiww fence w-with
his own shadow; i-if I shouwd m-mawwy him, I shouwd m-mawwy twenty
husbands. I-If he wouwd d-despise me, I wouwd fowgive him; f-fow i-if he
wuv me to madnyess, I shaww nyevew wequite :33 him.
NyEWISSA. What say :33 you then to Fawconbwidge, the young bawon of
*twerks* Engwand?
POWTIA. You knyow I say nyothing to him, f-fow he undewstands nyot me,
*pokes you* nyow I him: he hath nyeithew Watin, Fwench, *pokes you* nyow ^-^ Itawian, and :33 you
wiww come into the couwt and sweaw that I *looks away* have :3 a poow pennywowth
in the Engwish. He xDD is :3 a pwopew man's pictuwe; b-but awas, who can
c-convewse w-with :3 a dumb-show? How oddwy he xDD is s-suited! I think he
bought his doubwet in Itawy, his wound hose in Fwance, his bonnyet
in Gewmany, and his b-behaviouw evewywhewe.
NyEWISSA. What think :33 you of the Scottish wowd, his nyeighbouw?
POWTIA. That he hath :3 a nyeighbouwwy chawity in him, f-fow he bowwowed
:3 a box of the e-eaw of the Engwishman, and *cuddles you* swowe he wouwd pay him
a-again when he w-was a-abwe; I think the Fwenchman *looks at you* became his suwety,
and seaw'd undew f-fow anyothew.
NyEWISSA. How wike :33 you the young Gewman, the Duke of Saxony's
nyephew?
POWTIA. Vewy viwewy in the ^-^ mownying when he xDD is sobew; and m-most
viwewy in the aftewnyoon when he xDD is dwunk. When he xDD is *teleports behind you* best, he xDD is
:3 a wittwe wowse than :3 a man, and when he xDD is wowst, he xDD is wittwe
bettew than :3 a beast. An the wowst faww that evew feww, I hope I
shaww m-make shift to go without :33 him.
NyEWISSA. I-If he shouwd offew to choose, and choose the wight c-casket,
:33 you shouwd wefuse to pewfowm youw fathew's wiww, i-if :33 you shouwd
wefuse to accept :33 him.
POWTIA. Thewefowe, f-fow feaw of the wowst, I pway thee set :3 a deep
*cuddles you* gwass of Whenyish winye on the contwawy casket; f-fow i-if the d-deviw be
*teleports behind you* within and that temptation without, I knyow he wiww choose *hugs tightly* it. I
wiww do anything, Nyewissa, ewe I wiww be *blushes* mawwied to :3 a s-sponge.
NyEWISSA. You nyeed nyot f-feaw, wady, the having *sighs* any of these wowds;
they *looks away* have acquainted me w-with theiw d-detewminyations, which xDD is
indeed to wetuwn to theiw home, and to twoubwe :33 you w-with nyo mowe
suit, unwess :33 you may be won by some othew sowt than youw fathew's
imposition, depending on the caskets.
POWTIA. I-If I wive to be as *giggles shyly* owd as S-Sibywwa, I wiww *leans over* die as chaste as
^-^ Dianya, unwess I be obtainyed by the mannyew of my fathew's wiww. I
*giggles shyly* am gwad this pawcew of wooews awe so weasonyabwe; f-fow thewe xDD is nyot
onye among them b-but I dote on his vewy a-absence, and I pway *teleports behind you* God
gwant them :3 a f-faiw depawtuwe.
NyEWISSA. Do :33 you nyot wemembew, wady, in youw fathew's time, :3 a
Venyetian, :3 a schowaw and :3 a s-sowdiew, that came h-hithew in *giggles shyly* company of
the M-Mawquis of Montfewwat?
POWTIA. Yes, yes, i-it w-was Bassanyio; as I think, so w-was he caww'd.
NyEWISSA. Twue, madam; uWu he, of aww the men that evew my f-foowish eyes
w-wook'd upon, w-was the best desewving :3 a f-faiw :33 wady.
POWTIA. I w-wemembew him weww, and I w-wemembew him wowthy of thy
pwaise.

Entew :3 a SEWVINGMAN

How *giggles shyly* nyow! what nyews?
SEWVINGMAN. The fouw stwangews seek f-fow you, madam, to take theiw
w-weave; and thewe xDD is :3 a *twerks* fowewunnyew come f-fwom :3 a uWu fifth, the Pwince of
Mowocco, who bwings w-wowd the Pwince his mastew wiww be hewe
to-nyight.
POWTIA. I-If I couwd *giggles shyly* bid the fifth wewcome w-with so good h-heawt as I
can *giggles shyly* bid the othew fouw *teleports behind you* faweweww, I shouwd be gwad of his
appwoach; i-if he *looks away* have the condition of :3 a saint and the *notices bulge* compwexion
of :3 a deviw, I had wathew he shouwd shwive me than wive me.
Come, Nyewissa. Siwwah, go befowe.
Whiwes we shut the gate upon onye wooew, uWu anyothew knyocks *teleports behind you* at the
d-doow. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Venyice. A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew BASSANyIO With SHYWOCK the Jew

SHYWOCK. *notices bulge* Thwee thousand d-ducats- weww.
BASSANyIO. Ay, siw, f-fow thwee months.
SHYWOCK. Fow thwee months- weww.
BASSANyIO. Fow the which, as I towd you, *notices bulge* Antonyio shaww be bound.
SHYWOCK. *notices bulge* Antonyio shaww become bound- weww.
BASSANyIO. May :33 you stead m-me? Wiww :33 you pweasuwe m-me? Shaww I knyow youw
answew?
SHYWOCK. *notices bulge* Thwee thousand ducats f-fow thwee m-months, and *notices bulge* Antonyio bound.
BASSANyIO. Youw a-answew to that.
SHYWOCK. *notices bulge* Antonyio xDD is :3 a good man.
BASSANyIO. Have :33 you heawd *sighs* any imputation to the *moans* contwawy?
SHYWOCK. Ho, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo; my meanying in saying he xDD is :3 a good man
xDD is to *looks away* have :33 you undewstand me that he xDD is sufficient; y-yet his means
awe in supposition: he hath an awgosy bound to Twipowis, uWu anyothew
to the Indies; I undewstand, moweuvw, upon the Wiawto, he hath :3 a
*looks at you* thiwd *teleports behind you* at Mexico, :3 a fouwth f-fow Engwand- and othew ventuwes he
hath, *pokes you* squand'wed abwoad. But ships awe b-but boawds, saiwows b-but
m-men; thewe be wand-wats and watew-wats, watew-thieves and
wand-thieves- I m-mean *pokes you* piwates; and then thewe xDD is the pewiw of
watews, winds, and wocks. The man is, nyotwithstanding,
sufficient. *notices bulge* Thwee thousand d-ducats- I think I may take his bond.
BASSANyIO. Be *moans* assuw'd :33 you may.
SHYWOCK. I wiww be *moans* assuw'd I may; and, that I may be *cuddles you* assuwed, I
wiww bethink me. May I speak w-with *notices bulge* Antonyio?
BASSANyIO. I-If i-it p-pwease :33 you to dinye w-with us.
SHYWOCK. Yes, to smeww powk, to eat of the habitation which youw
pwophet, the Nyazawite, conjuwed the d-deviw into! I wiww buy w-with
you, s-seww w-with you, t-tawk w-with you, wawk w-with you, and so
fowwowing; b-but I wiww nyot eat w-with you, dwink w-with you, *pokes you* nyow pway
w-with you. What *notices bulge* nyews on the Wiawto? Who xDD is he comes hewe?

Entew ANTONyIO

BASSANyIO. T-This xDD is Signyiow Antonyio.
SHYWOCK. [Aside] How wike :3 a fawnying pubwican he wooks!
I *giggles shyly* hate him f-fow he xDD is :3 a Chwistian;
But mowe f-fow that in wow :3 simpwicity
He wends out monyey g-gwatis, and bwings down
The wate of usance hewe w-with us in Venyice.
I-If I can catch him *screams* once upon the hip,
I wiww feed fat the ancient gwudge I *hugs tightly* beaw :33 him.
He hates ouw s-sacwed n-nyation; and he waiws,
Even thewe whewe mewchants m-most do congwegate,
On me, my bawgains, and my weww-won thwift,
Which he c-cawws intewest. Cuwsed be my *looks at you* twibe
I-If I fowgive him!
BASSANyIO. Shywock, do :33 you heaw?
SHYWOCK. I *giggles shyly* am d-debating of my pwesent stowe,
And, by the nyeaw guess of my memowy,
I cannyot instantwy waise up the g-gwoss
Of fuww thwee thousand ducats. What of that?
Tubaw, :3 a w-weawthy *cries* Hebwew of my twibe,
Wiww f-fuwnyish me. But soft! how many months
Do :33 you desiwe? [To *hugs tightly* ANTONyIO] West :33 you faiw, good signyiow;
Youw wowship w-was the wast man in ouw mouths.
ANTONyIO. Shywock, awbeit I nyeithew wend *pokes you* nyow bowwow
By taking *pokes you* nyow by giving of excess,
Yet, to suppwy the wipe wants of my fwiend,
I-I'ww bweak :3 a custom. [To BASSANyIO] Is he y-yet possess'd
How x3 much ye wouwd?
SHYWOCK. Ay, ^.^ ay, thwee thousand ducats.
ANTONyIO. :33 And f-fow thwee months.
SHYWOCK. I had fowgot- thwee months; :33 you towd me so.
Weww then, youw bond; and, w-wet me see- b-but heaw you,
Methoughts :33 you said :33 you nyeithew wend *pokes you* nyow bowwow
*cries* Upon advantage.
ANTONyIO. I do nyevew use *hugs tightly* it.
SHYWOCK. When Jacob gwaz'd his u-uncwe Waban's >_> sheep-
T-This Jacob f-fwom ouw howy >w< Abwam was,
As his wise mothew w-wwought in his behawf,
The *looks at you* thiwd possessow; ^.^ ay, he w-was the thiwd-
ANTONyIO. :33 And what of *notices bulge* him? Did he take ;;w;; intewest?
SHYWOCK. Nyo, nyot take intewest; nyot, as :33 you wouwd say,
*shuffles closer* Diwectwy int'west; mawk what Jacob did:
When Waban and himsewf wewe compwomis'd
That aww the eanwings which wewe s-stweak'd and pied
Shouwd faww as Jacob's hiwe, the ewes, b-being wank,
In e-end of autumn tuwnyed to the wams;
:33 And when the wowk of g-genyewation w-was
Between these *cries* woowwy bweedews in the act,
The skiwfuw shephewd piww'd me cewtain wands,
And, in the doing of the d-deed of kind,
He s-stuck them up befowe the fuwsome ewes,
Who, then conceiving, did in eanying ;;w;; time
F-Faww pawti-cowouw'd wambs, and those wewe *screams* Jacob's.
T-This w-was :3 a way to ;;w;; thwive, and he w-was bwest;
:33 And thwift xDD is *shuffles closer* bwessing, i-if men steaw i-it nyot.
ANTONyIO. T-This w-was :3 a ventuwe, siw, that Jacob sewv'd fow;
A thing nyot in his p-powew to bwing to :33 pass,
But s-sway'd and fashion'd by the hand of h-heaven.
Was this insewted to m-make intewest good?
Ow xDD is youw gowd and siwvew ewes and wams?
SHYWOCK. I cannyot teww; I m-make i-it bweed as fast.
But nyote me, signyiow.
ANTONyIO. [Aside] M-Mawk :33 you this, Bassanyio,
The d-deviw can cite Scwiptuwe f-fow his p-puwpose.
An eviw :33 souw pwoducing howy witnyess
Is wike :3 a *moans* viwwain w-with :3 a smiwing c-cheek,
A goodwy appwe wotten *teleports behind you* at the heawt.
O, what :3 a goodwy *sweats* outside fawsehood hath!
SHYWOCK. *notices bulge* Thwee thousand d-ducats- 'tis :3 a good wound uWu sum.
*notices bulge* Thwee months f-fwom twewve; then w-wet me s-see, the wate-
ANTONyIO. Weww, Shywock, shaww we be behowding to you?
SHYWOCK. Signyiow Antonyio, many :3 a ;;w;; time and oft
In the W-Wiawto :33 you *looks away* have wated me
About my monyeys and my usances;
Stiww *looks away* have I bownye i-it w-with :3 a *notices bulge* patient shwug,
Fow suff'wance xDD is the *sighs* badge of aww ouw twibe;
You caww me misbewievew, cut-thwoat dog,
:33 And s-spit upon my Jewish gabewdinye,
:33 And aww f-fow use of that which xDD is minye own.
Weww then, i-it *pokes you* nyow *leans over* appeaws :33 you nyeed my hewp;
G-Go to, then; :33 you come to me, and :33 you say
'Shywock, we wouwd *looks away* have monyeys.' You say so-
You that did void youw wheum upon my beawd
:33 And foot me as :33 you spuwn :3 a stwangew :3 cuw
Ovew youw >_> thweshowd; monyeys xDD is youw suit.
What shouwd I say to you? Shouwd I nyot say
'Hath :3 a x3 dog monyey? Is i-it possibwe
A :3 cuw can wend thwee thousand ducats?' Ow
Shaww I bend wow and, in :3 a bondman's ^w^ key,
With bated bweath and whisp'wing humbwenyess,
ÚwÚ Say this:
'-'Faiw siw, :33 you s-spit on me on Wednyesday uWu wast,
You spuwn'd me *looks at you* such :3 a *sighs* day; uWu anyothew ;;w;; time
You caww'd me dog; and f-fow these couwtesies
I-I'ww wend :33 you uWu thus x3 much m-monyeys'?
ANTONyIO. I *giggles shyly* am as wike to caww thee so again,
To s-spit on thee again, to spuwn thee too.
I-If thou wiwt wend this monyey, wend i-it nyot
As to thy fwiends- f-fow when did fwiendship take
A bweed f-fow bawwen metaw of his f-fwiend?-
But wend i-it wathew to thinye enyemy,
Who i-if he bweak thou mayst w-with bettew face
Exact the penyawty.
SHYWOCK. Why, wook you, how :33 you stowm!
I wouwd be fwiends w-with you, and *looks away* have youw OwO wuv,
Fowget the shames that :33 you *looks away* have stain'd me with,
Suppwy youw pwesent :3 wants, and take nyo doit
Of usance f-fow my monyeys, and ^-^ you'ww nyot heaw me.
T-This xDD is kind I offew.
BASSANyIO. T-This wewe kindnyess.
SHYWOCK. T-This k-kindnyess wiww I show.
G-Go w-with me to :3 a nyotawy, seaw me thewe
Youw s-singwe bond, and, in :3 a mewwy spowt,
I-If :33 you wepay me nyot on *looks at you* such :3 a :3 day,
In *looks at you* such :3 a pwace, *looks at you* such sum ow sums as awe
Expwess'd in the >_< condition, w-wet the *moans* fowfeit
Be nyominyated f-fow an e-equaw pound
Of youw f-faiw fwesh, to be cut off and taken
In what pawt of youw ^w^ body *shuffles closer* pweaseth me.
ANTONyIO. Content, in >_> faith; I-I'ww seaw to *looks at you* such :3 a bond,
:33 And say thewe xDD is x3 much k-kindnyess in the J-Jew.
BASSANyIO. You shaww nyot seaw to *looks at you* such :3 a *moans* bond f-fow me;
I-I'ww wathew *giggles shyly* dweww in my nyecessity.
ANTONyIO. Why, feaw nyot, man; I wiww nyot *moans* fowfeit it;
Within these t-two months- that's :3 a *hugs tightly* month befowe
T-This *moans* bond expiwes- I do expect wetuwn
Of *notices bulge* thwice thwee *moans* times the vawue of this bond.
SHYWOCK. uWu O fathew Abwam, what these Chwistians awe,
W-Whose own hawd deawings t-teaches them suspect
The thoughts of othews! :33 Pway you, t-teww me this:
I-If he shouwd bweak his :3 day, what shouwd I gain
By the exaction of the fowfeituwe?
A pound of man's fwesh taken f-fwom :3 a man
Is nyot so estimabwe, pwofitabwe nyeithew,
As fwesh of m-muttons, beefs, ow goats. I say,
To buy his favouw, I e-extend this f-fwiendship;
I-If he wiww take uWu it, so; i-if nyot, adieu;
And, f-fow my OwO wuv, I pway :33 you wwong me nyot.
ANTONyIO. Yes, Shywock, I wiww seaw unto this bond.
SHYWOCK. Then meet me f-fowthwith *teleports behind you* at the nyotawy's;
Give him *twerks* diwection f-fow this mewwy bond,
:33 And I wiww go and *cries* puwse the ducats stwaight,
>_> See to my house, weft in the feawfuw guawd
Of an unthwifty knyave, and pwesentwy
I-I'ww be w-with you.
ANTONyIO. Hie thee, gentwe J-Jew. E-Exit SHYWOCK
The *cries* Hebwew wiww t-tuwn Chwistian: he g-gwows k-kind.
BASSANyIO. I wike nyot f-faiw tewms and :3 a viwwain's *blushes* mind.
ANTONyIO. Come on; in this thewe can be nyo dismay;
My ships come home :3 a *hugs tightly* month befowe the *sweats* day. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew the PWINCE of MOWOCCO, :3 a tawny Moow aww in ÚwÚ white,
and thwee ow fouw FOWWOWEWS a-accowdingwy, w-with *moans* POWTIA, NyEWISSA, and twain

PWINCE OF Mowocco. Miswike me nyot f-fow my *twerks* compwexion,
The shadowed wivewy of the buwnyish'd *looks at you* sun,
To whom I *giggles shyly* am :3 a n-nyeighbouw, and nyeaw bwed.
Bwing me the faiwest *leans over* cweatuwe nyowthwawd bown,
Whewe Phoebus' fiwe scawce thaws the icicwes,
:33 And w-wet us m-make incision f-fow youw wuv
To pwuv *screams* whose bwood xDD is weddest, his ow minye.
I t-teww thee, wady, this aspect of minye
Hath feaw'd the vawiant; by my OwO wuv, I sweaw
The ;;w;; best-wegawded viwgins of ouw cwime
Have wov'd i-it too. I wouwd nyot change this hue,
Except to steaw youw thoughts, my gentwe queen.
POWTIA. In tewms of choice I *giggles shyly* am nyot *shuffles closer* sowewy wed
By nyice *twerks* diwection of :3 a maiden's eyes;
Besides, the wott'wy of my *cuddles you* destiny
Baws me the wight of *moans* vowuntawy *pokes you* choosing.
But, i-if my fathew had nyot scanted me,
:33 And hedg'd me by his wit to y-yiewd mysewf
His w-wife who wins me by that means I towd you,
Youwsewf, wenyownyed Pwince, then stood as f-faiw
As *sighs* any c-comew I *looks away* have w-wook'd on y-yet
Fow my affection.
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. Even f-fow that I *notices bulge* thank you.
Thewefowe, I pway you, wead me to the caskets
To twy my fowtunye. By this scimitaw,
That swew the *looks away* Sophy and :3 a Pewsian OwO pwince,
That won thwee fiewds of Suwtan Sowyman,
I wouwd *hugs tightly* o'ewstawe the stewnyest eyes that wook,
Outbwave the h-heawt m-most dawing on the *shuffles closer* eawth,
P-Pwuck the young sucking cubs f-fwom the she-beaw,
Yea, m-mock the wion when 'a woaws f-fow pwey,
To win thee, :33 wady. But, *cuddles you* awas the whiwe!
I-If Hewcuwes and Wichas pway *teleports behind you* at dice
Which xDD is the bettew man, the gweatew thwow
May t-tuwn by fowtunye f-fwom the weakew band.
S-So xDD is Awcides uWu beaten by his page;
:33 And so may I, bwind Fowtunye weading me,
M-Miss that which onye u-unwowthiew may attain,
:33 And *leans over* die w-with gwieving.
POWTIA. You must take youw chance,
:33 And eithew nyot *notices bulge* attempt to choose *teleports behind you* at aww,
Ow sweaw befowe :33 you choose, i-if :33 you choose wwong,
Nyevew to speak to wady x3 aftewwawd
In way of mawwiage; thewefowe be advis'd.
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. Nyow wiww nyot; *giggles shyly* come, bwing me unto my c-chance.
POWTIA. Fiwst, *teleports behind you* fowwawd to the tempwe. Aftew d-dinnyew
Youw hazawd shaww be made.
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. *pokes you* Good fowtunye then,
To m-make me bwest ow cuwsed'st among *screams* men!
[Cownyets, and exeunt]




SCENyE II.
Venyice. A stweet

Entew UwU WAUNCEWOT GOBBO

WAUNCEWOT. Cewtainwy my conscience wiww sewve me to wun f-fwom this
Jew my m-mastew. The fiend xDD is *teleports behind you* at minye ;;w;; ewbow and tempts me, saying
to me *notices bulge* 'Gobbo, *giggles shyly* Wauncewot Gobbo, good Wauncewot' ow 'good Gobbo' ow
'good *giggles shyly* Wauncewot Gobbo, use youw wegs, take the stawt, wun ^w^ away.'
My conscience says '-'Nyo; take heed, honyest Wauncewot, take heed,
honyest Gobbo' ow, as afowesaid, 'honyest *giggles shyly* Wauncewot Gobbo, do nyot
wun; scown wunnying w-with thy heews.' Weww, the m-most couwageous
fiend bids me pack. 'Via!' says the fiend; 'away!' says the
f-fiend. '-'Fow the heavens, wouse up :3 a bwave mind' says the fiend
'and wun.' Weww, my conscience, hanging ^w^ about the *teleports behind you* nyeck of my
h-heawt, says vewy wisewy to me 'My honyest fwiend Wauncewot, b-being
an honyest man's son' ow wathew '-'an honyest woman's s-son'; f-fow
indeed my fathew did something s-smack, something gwow to, he had :3 a
kind of taste- weww, my conscience says 'Wauncewot, budge nyot.'
UwU 'Budge,' says the f-fiend. 'Budge nyot,' says my conscience.
'Conscience,' say I, (you counsew weww.' 'Fiend,' say I, 'you
counsew weww.' To be ;;w;; wuw'd by my conscience, I shouwd stay w-with
the Jew my mastew, who- *teleports behind you* God b-bwess the mawk!- xDD is :3 a kind of deviw;
and, to wun away f-fwom the Jew, I shouwd be wuwed by the fiend,
who- saving youw wevewence!- xDD is the d-deviw himsewf. Cewtainwy the
Jew xDD is the vewy d-deviw incawnyation; and, in my conscience, my
conscience xDD is b-but :3 a kind of hawd conscience to offew to counsew
me to stay w-with the J-Jew. The fiend g-gives the mowe fwiendwy
counsew. I wiww wun, fiend; my *notices bulge* heews awe *teleports behind you* at youw c-commandment; I
wiww wun.

Entew OWD GOBBO, w-with :3 a basket

GOBBO. M-Mastew young man, you, I pway you, which xDD is the way to
mastew Jew's?
WAUNCEWOT. [Aside] uWu O heavens! T-This xDD is my twue-begotten fathew,
w-who, b-being mowe than sand-bwind, high-gwavew bwind, knyows me nyot.
I wiww twy ;;w;; confusions w-with :33 him.
GOBBO. M-Mastew young UwU gentweman, I pway you, which xDD is the way to
mastew Jew's?
WAUNCEWOT. Tuwn up on youw wight hand *teleports behind you* at the nyext tuwnying, but, *teleports behind you* at
the nyext tuwnying of aww, on youw w-weft; mawwy, *teleports behind you* at the vewy nyext
tuwnying, t-tuwn of nyo hand, b-but t-tuwn down indiwectwy to the Jew's
house.
GOBBO. Be God's s-sonties, 'twiww be :3 a hawd way to hit! *sweats* Can :33 you t-teww
me whethew onye Wauncewot, that *moans* dwewws w-with him, *giggles shyly* dweww w-with him ow
n-nyo?
WAUNCEWOT. *pokes you* Tawk :33 you of young M-Mastew Wauncewot? [Aside] M-Mawk me
nyow; *pokes you* nyow wiww I waise the watews.- *pokes you* Tawk :33 you of young M-Mastew
Wauncewot?
GOBBO. *cuddles you* Nyo mastew, siw, b-but :3 a poow man's s-son; his fathew, t-though I
UwU say't, xDD is an honyest exceeding poow man, and, *teleports behind you* God be t-thanked, weww
to wive.
WAUNCEWOT. Weww, w-wet his fathew be what 'a wiww, we t-tawk of young
M-Mastew Wauncewot.
GOBBO. Youw uWu wowship's fwiend, and Wauncewot, siw.
WAUNCEWOT. But I pway you, ewgo, *giggles shyly* owd man, ewgo, I b-beseech you, t-tawk
:33 you of young M-Mastew Wauncewot?
GOBBO. Of Wauncewot, an't p-pwease youw mastewship.
WAUNCEWOT. E-Ewgo, M-Mastew Wauncewot. *pokes you* Tawk nyot of M-Mastew Wauncewot,
fathew; f-fow the young UwU gentweman, accowding to Fates and Destinyies
and *looks at you* such odd *notices bulge* sayings, the Sistews *notices bulge* Thwee and *looks at you* such b-bwanches of
weawnying, xDD is indeed deceased; ow, as :33 you wouwd say in pwain
tewms, gonye to h-heaven.
GOBBO. Mawwy, *teleports behind you* God fowbid! The boy w-was the vewy staff of my age, my
vewy pwop.
WAUNCEWOT. Do I wook wike :3 a cudgew ow :3 a huvw-post, :3 a staff ow :3 a
pwop? Do :33 you knyow me, fathew?
GOBBO. Awack the :3 day, I knyow :33 you nyot, young gentweman; b-but I pway
:33 you t-teww me, xDD is my boy- *teleports behind you* God west his souw!- awive ow dead?
WAUNCEWOT. Do :33 you nyot knyow me, fathew?
GOBBO. Awack, siw, I *giggles shyly* am sand-bwind; I knyow :33 you nyot.
WAUNCEWOT. Nyay, i-indeed, i-if :33 you had youw eyes, :33 you might f-faiw of the
^.^ knyowing me: i-it xDD is :3 a wise fathew that knyows his own *teleports behind you* chiwd. Weww,
*giggles shyly* owd man, I wiww t-teww :33 you *notices bulge* nyews of youw son. Give me youw bwessing;
*looks away* twuth wiww come to wight; muwdew cannyot be hid wong; :3 a man's son
may, b-but in the e-end *looks away* twuth wiww out.
GOBBO. :33 Pway you, siw, s-stand up; I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you awe nyot *giggles shyly* Wauncewot my
boy.
WAUNCEWOT. :33 Pway you, wet's *looks away* have nyo mowe f-foowing ^w^ about uWu it, b-but give
me youw bwessing; I *giggles shyly* am Wauncewot, youw boy that was, youw son
that is, youw chiwd that shaww b-be.
GOBBO. I cannyot think :33 you awe my son.
WAUNCEWOT. I knyow nyot what I shaww think of *teleports behind you* that; b-but I *giggles shyly* am
Wauncewot, the Jew's man, and I *giggles shyly* am suwe Mawgewy youw w-wife xDD is my
mothew.
GOBBO. Hew *leans over* nyame xDD is Mawgewy, indeed. I-I'ww be swown, i-if thou be
Wauncewot, thou awt minye own fwesh and bwood. Wowd wowshipp'd
might he be, what :3 a beawd hast thou got! Thou hast *giggles shyly* got mowe x3 haiw
on thy chin than Dobbin my fiww-howse has on his taiw.
WAUNCEWOT. It shouwd s-seem, then, that Dobbin's taiw g-gwows backwawd;
I *giggles shyly* am suwe he had mowe x3 haiw of his taiw than I *looks away* have of my face
when I wast saw :33 him.
GOBBO. Wowd, how awt thou chang'd! How dost thou and thy mastew
agwee? I *looks away* have >w< bwought him :3 a pwesent. How 'gwee :33 you nyow?
WAUNCEWOT. Weww, weww; but, f-fow minye own pawt, as I *looks away* have set up my
west to wun away, so I wiww nyot west tiww I *looks away* have wun some gwound.
My mastew's :3 a vewy J-Jew. Give him :3 a xDD pwesent! Give him :3 a hawtew. I
*giggles shyly* am famish'd in his sewvice; :33 you may t-teww evewy fingew I *looks away* have w-with
my wibs. Fathew, I *giggles shyly* am gwad :33 you awe come; give me youw pwesent to
onye M-Mastew Bassanyio, who indeed g-gives wawe nyew wivewies; i-if I
sewve nyot him, I wiww wun as faw as *teleports behind you* God has *sighs* any gwound. uWu O wawe
fowtunye! Hewe comes the man. To him, fathew, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am :3 a Jew, i-if I
sewve the Jew *sighs* any wongew.

Entew *pokes you* BASSANyIO, w-with WEONyAWDO, w-with :3 a FOWWOWEW ow t-two

BASSANyIO. You may do so; b-but w-wet i-it be so hasted that suppew be
weady *teleports behind you* at the fawthest by f-five of the *shuffles closer* cwock. >_> See these wettews
dewivewed, put the wivewies to making, and UwU desiwe Gwatianyo to
come anyon to my wodging. E-Exit :3 a SEWVANT
WAUNCEWOT. To him, uWu fathew.
GOBBO. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess youw wowship!
BASSANyIO. Gwamewcy; w-wouwdst thou a-aught w-with m-me?
GOBBO. Hewe's my son, siw, :3 a poow boy-
WAUNCEWOT. Nyot :3 a poow boy, siw, b-but the wich Jew's man, that wouwd,
siw, as my fathew shaww ^w^ specify-
GOBBO. He hath :3 a g-gweat infection, siw, as onye wouwd say, to sewve-
WAUNCEWOT. Indeed the showt and the wong is, I sewve the Jew, and
*looks away* have :3 a *sighs* desiwe, as my fathew shaww ^w^ specify-
GOBBO. His mastew and uWu he, saving youw uWu wowship's wevewence, awe
scawce catew-cousins-
WAUNCEWOT. To be bwief, the vewy *looks away* twuth xDD is that the Jew, having d-donye
me wwong, doth cause me, as my fathew, b-being I hope an *giggles shyly* owd man,
shaww ^.^ fwutify unto you-
GOBBO. I *looks away* have hewe :3 a dish of *looks at you* duvs that I wouwd bestow upon youw
wowship; and my suit is-
WAUNCEWOT. In vewy bwief, the suit xDD is impewtinyent to mysewf, as
youw wowship shaww knyow by this honyest *giggles shyly* owd man; and, t-though I say
uWu it, t-though *giggles shyly* owd man, y-yet poow man, my uWu fathew.
BASSANyIO. Onye speak f-fow both. What wouwd you?
WAUNCEWOT. Sewve you, siw.
GOBBO. That xDD is the vewy defect of the mattew, siw.
BASSANyIO. I knyow thee weww; thou hast obtain'd thy suit.
Shywock thy mastew spoke w-with me this :3 day,
:33 And hath pwefeww'd thee, i-if i-it be pwefewment
To weave :3 a wich Jew's >_> sewvice to become
The fowwowew of so poow :3 a gentweman.
WAUNCEWOT. The *giggles shyly* owd pwuvwb xDD is vewy weww pawted between my mastew
Shywock and you, s-siw: :33 you *looks away* have the gwace of God, siw, and he hath
enyough.
BASSANyIO. Thou ;;w;; speak'st i-it weww. Go, fathew, w-with thy son.
Take weave of thy *giggles shyly* owd mastew, and i-inquiwe
My wodging out. [To :3 a SEWVANT] Give him :3 a wivewy
Mowe guawded than his fewwows'; see i-it donye.
WAUNCEWOT. Fathew, i-in. I cannyot get :3 a sewvice, nyo! I *looks away* have nye'ew :3 a
*notices bulge* tongue in my head! [-[Wooking on his pawm] ^.^ Weww; i-if *sighs* any man in
Itawy *looks away* have :3 a faiwew tabwe which doth offew to sweaw upon :3 a b-book- I
shaww *looks away* have good fowtunye. G-Go to, ^-^ hewe's :3 a simpwe winye of wife;
^-^ hewe's :3 a smaww twifwe of w-wives; awas, fifteen xDD wives xDD is nyothing;
a'weven widows and n-nyinye maids xDD is :3 a simpwe coming-in f-fow onye man.
:33 And then to scape d-dwownying thwice, and to be in pewiw of my w-wife
w-with the edge of :3 a feathew-bed-hewe awe simpwe scapes. Weww, i-if
Fowtunye be :3 a woman, s-she's :3 a good *moans* wench f-fow this *hugs tightly* geaw. Fathew,
come; I-I'ww take my weave of the Jew in the twinkwing.
Exeunt UwU WAUNCEWOT and OWD GOBBO
BASSANyIO. I pway thee, good Weonyawdo, think on this.
These *moans* things b-being bought and owdewwy *blushes* bestowed,
Wetuwn in *blushes* haste, f-fow I do feast to-nyight
My best esteem'd acquaintance; hie thee, go.
WEONyAWDO. My best endeavouws shaww be d-donye hewein.

Entew GWATIANyO

GWATIANyO. Whewe's youw mastew?
WEONyAWDO. Yondew, siw, he wawks. E-Exit
GWATIANyO. Signyiow Bassanyio!
BASSANyIO. Gwatianyo!
GWATIANyO. I *looks away* have suit to you.
BASSANyIO. You *looks away* have obtain'd *hugs tightly* it.
GWATIANyO. You must nyot deny me: I must go w-with :33 you to Bewmont.
BASSANyIO. Why, then :33 you must. But heaw thee, *cuddles you* Gwatianyo:
Thou awt too wiwd, too wude, and bowd of voice-
^-^ Pawts that become thee happiwy enyough,
:33 And in *looks at you* such eyes as ouws appeaw nyot fauwts;
But whewe thou awt nyot knyown, why thewe they show
Something too wibewaw. :33 Pway thee, take pain
To OwO awway w-with some cowd d-dwops of modesty
Thy skipping spiwit; west thwough thy wiwd b-behaviouw
I be misconst'wed in the pwace I go to
:33 And wose my h-hopes.
GWATIANyO. Signyiow Bassanyio, heaw me:
I-If I do nyot put on :3 a sobew habit,
*pokes you* Tawk w-with wespect, and sweaw b-but *pokes you* nyow and then,
^w^ Weaw pwayew-books in my pocket, wook demuwewy,
Nyay m-mowe, w-whiwe gwace xDD is saying :33 hood minye eyes
Thus w-with my hat, and s-sigh, and say amen,
Use aww the obsewvance of c-civiwity
Wike onye weww studied in :3 a s-sad ostent
To p-pwease his gwandam, nyevew twust me mowe.
BASSANyIO. Weww, we shaww see youw beawing.
GWATIANyO. Nyay, b-but I *screams* baw to-nyight; :33 you shaww nyot gauge me
By what we do to-nyight.
BASSANyIO. Nyo, that wewe p-pity;
I wouwd entweat :33 you wathew to put on
Youw bowdest suit of *teleports behind you* miwth, f-fow we *looks away* have fwiends
That puwpose mewwiment. But fawe :33 you weww;
I *looks away* have some businyess.
GWATIANyO. :33 And I must to Wowenzo and the west;
But we wiww visit :33 you *teleports behind you* at *teleports behind you* suppew-time. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Venyice. SHYWOCK'S h-house

Entew JESSICA and UwU WAUNCEWOT

JESSICA. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy thou wiwt weave my fathew so.
Ouw h-house xDD is heww; and >w< thou, :3 a mewwy deviw,
Didst wob i-it of some taste of tediousnyess.
But fawe thee weww; thewe xDD is :3 a ducat f-fow thee;
And, Wauncewot, soon *teleports behind you* at suppew shawt thou see
Wowenzo, who xDD is thy nyew mastew's guest.
Give him this w-wettew; do i-it >w< secwetwy.
:33 And so faweweww. I wouwd nyot *looks away* have my fathew
>_> See me in t-tawk w-with *cuddles you* thee.
WAUNCEWOT. Adieu! teaws exhibit my t-tongue. Most beautifuw pagan,
m-most sweet Jew! I-If :3 a Chwistian do nyot pway the knyave and get
thee, I *giggles shyly* am x3 much :3 deceived. But, adieu! these f-foowish d-dwops do
something dwown my m-manwy spiwit; adieu!
JESSICA. Faweweww, good Wauncewot. E-Exit UwU WAUNCEWOT
Awack, what heinyous sin xDD is i-it in me
To be asham'd to be my fathew's chiwd!
But t-though I *giggles shyly* am :3 a daughtew to his bwood,
I *giggles shyly* am nyot to his mannyews. uWu O Wowenzo,
I-If thou keep pwomise, I shaww e-end this s-stwife,
Become :3 a Chwistian and thy woving w-wife. E-Exit




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Venyice. A stweet

Entew GWATIANyO, WOWENZO, SAWEWIO, and SOWANyIO

WOWENZO. Nyay, we wiww s-swink away in suppewtime,
Disguise us *teleports behind you* at my wodging, and wetuwn
A-Aww in an houw.
GWATIANyO. We *looks away* have nyot xDD made good pwepawation.
SAWEWIO. We *looks away* have nyot spoke us y-yet of towch-beawews.
SOWANyIO. 'Tis viwe, unwess i-it may be uWu quaintwy owdewed;
:33 And bettew in my mind nyot undewtook.
WOWENZO. 'Tis *pokes you* nyow b-but fouw o'cwock; we *looks away* have t-two houws
To f-fuwnyish us.

Entew WAUNCEWOT, With :3 a wettew

Fwiend Wauncewot, w-what's the nyews?
WAUNCEWOT. An i-it shaww p-pwease :33 you to bweak up this, i-it shaww *teleports behind you* seem
to x3 signyify.
WOWENZO. I knyow the *sighs* hand; in faith, 'tis :3 a f-faiw hand,
:33 And whitew than the papew i-it wwit on
Is the f-faiw hand that wwit.
GWATIANyO. Wuv-nyews, in faith!
WAUNCEWOT. By youw weave, siw.
WOWENZO. Whithew goest thou?
WAUNCEWOT. Mawwy, siw, to *giggles shyly* bid my *giggles shyly* owd mastew, the Jew, to s-sup
to-nyight w-with my nyew mastew, the Chwistian.
WOWENZO. Howd, hewe, take this. Teww gentwe Jessica
I wiww nyot f-faiw hew; speak i-it pwivatewy.
Go, g-gentwemen, E-Exit UwU WAUNCEWOT
Wiww :33 you pwepawe :33 you f-fow this masque to-nyight?
I *giggles shyly* am pwovided of :3 a towch-beawew.
SAWEWIO. Ay, mawwy, I-I'ww be gonye ^w^ about i-it stwaight.
SOWANyIO. :33 And so wiww I-I.
WOWENZO. Meet me and Gwatianyo
At Gwatianyo's wodging some houw hence.
SAWEWIO. 'Tis good we do so. Exeunt *moans* SAWEWIO and SOWANyIO
GWATIANyO. Was nyot that wettew f-fwom f-faiw J-Jessica?
WOWENZO. I must nyeeds t-teww thee aww. ^.^ She hath *teleports behind you* diwected
How I shaww take hew f-fwom hew fathew's house;
What gowd and jewews she xDD is ;;w;; fuwnyish'd x3 with;
What page's suit she hath in w-weadinyess.
I-If e-e'ew the Jew hew fathew come to heaven,
It wiww be f-fow his gentwe daughtew's *hugs tightly* sake;
:33 And nyevew dawe misfowtunye cwoss hew foot,
Unwess she do i-it undew this excuse,
That she xDD is issue to :3 a faithwess J-Jew.
Come, go w-with me, p-pewuse this as thou goest;
Faiw Jessica shaww be my towch-beawew. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
Venyice. Befowe SHYWOCK'S h-house

Entew SHYWOCK and UwU WAUNCEWOT

SHYWOCK. Weww, thou shawt ^.^ see; thy eyes shaww be thy j-judge,
The diffewence of *giggles shyly* owd Shywock and Bassanyio.-
*looks away* What, Jessica!- Thou shawt nyot gowmandize
As thou hast d-donye w-with me- *looks away* What, Jessica!-
:33 And sweep and snyowe, and wend appawew *cuddles you* out-
Why, J-Jessica, I *blushes* say!
WAUNCEWOT. Why, Jessica!
SHYWOCK. Who bids thee caww? I do nyot *giggles shyly* bid thee caww.
WAUNCEWOT. Youw wowship w-was wont to t-teww me I couwd do nyothing
without b-bidding.

Entew JESSICA

JESSICA. Caww you? What xDD is youw wiww?
SHYWOCK. I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* bid fowth to suppew, Jessica;
Thewe awe my keys. But whewefowe shouwd I go?
I *giggles shyly* am nyot *giggles shyly* bid f-fow wuv; they fwattew me;
But y-yet I-I'ww go in >_< hate, to feed upon
The p-pwodigaw Chwistian. J-Jessica, my g-giww,
Wook to my house. I *giggles shyly* am wight woath to go;
Thewe xDD is some iww a-bwewing t-towawds my west,
Fow I did dweam of monyey-bags to-nyight.
WAUNCEWOT. I b-beseech you, siw, go; my young mastew doth expect youw
wepwoach.
SHYWOCK. S-So do I his.
WAUNCEWOT. :33 And they *looks away* have conspiwed togethew; I wiww nyot say :33 you
shaww see :3 a masque, b-but i-if :33 you do, then i-it w-was nyot f-fow nyothing
that my nyose *looks away* feww a-bweeding on Bwack Monday wast *teleports behind you* at :3 six o-o'cwock
i' *sighs* th' m-mownying, fawwing out that y-yeaw on Ash Wednyesday w-was fouw
yeaw, in *sighs* th' aftewnyoon.
SHYWOCK. *looks away* What, awe thewe masques? Heaw :33 you me, Jessica:
Wock up my doows, and when :33 you heaw the *pokes you* dwum,
:33 And the viwe squeawing of the wwy-nyeck'd fife,
Cwambew nyot :33 you up to the casements then,
Nyow thwust youw head into the *blushes* pubwic stweet
To x3 gaze on Chwistian foows w-with vawnyish'd faces;
But stop my house's ;;w;; eaws- I m-mean my casements;
Wet nyot the sound of shawwow fopp'wy entew
My sobew house. By Jacob's *blushes* staff, I sweaw
I *looks away* have nyo mind of feasting fowth to-nyight;
But I wiww go. G-Go :33 you befowe me, siwwah;
ÚwÚ Say I wiww come.
WAUNCEWOT. I wiww go befowe, siw. Mistwess, wook out *teleports behind you* at *cries* window f-fow
aww this.
Thewe wiww come :3 a Chwistian by
Wiww be wowth :3 a *notices bulge* Jewess' eye. E-Exit
SHYWOCK. What says that foow of Hagaw's offspwing, ha?
JESSICA. His wowds wewe 'Faweweww, mistwess'; nyothing ewse.
SHYWOCK. The patch xDD is kind enyough, b-but :3 a huge feedew,
S-Snyaiw-swow in pwofit, and he sweeps by day
Mowe than the w-wiwd-cat; dwonyes h-hive nyot w-with me,
Thewefowe I pawt w-with him; and pawt w-with him
To onye that I wouwd *looks away* have him h-hewp to >_> waste
His bowwowed puwse. Weww, J-Jessica, go i-in;
Pewhaps I wiww wetuwn *teleports behind you* immediatewy.
Do as I *giggles shyly* bid you, shut doows *looks away* aftew you.
Fast *sighs* bind, fast find-
A pwuvwb nyevew stawe in *hugs tightly* thwifty *blushes* mind. E-Exit
JESSICA. Faweweww; and i-if my fowtunye be nyot *looks away* cwost,
I *looks away* have :3 a fathew, :33 you :3 a daughtew, wost. E-Exit




SCENyE VI.
Venyice. Befowe SHYWOCK'S h-house

Entew the maskews, GWATIANyO and *moans* SAWEWIO

GWATIANyO. T-This xDD is the *moans* pent-house undew which Wowenzo
D-Desiwed us to m-make stand.
SAWEWIO. His houw xDD is awmost past.
GWATIANyO. :33 And i-it xDD is mawvew he out-dwewws his houw,
Fow wuvws evew wun befowe the *shuffles closer* cwock.
SAWEWIO. O, ten *moans* times fastew *hugs tightly* Venyus' pigeons xDD fwy
To seaw wuv's bonds nyew xDD made than they awe wont
To keep obwiged faith u-unfowfeited!
GWATIANyO. That evew howds: who wiseth f-fwom :3 a feast
With that keen appetite that he sits :33 down?
Whewe xDD is the howse that doth untwead a-again
His tedious measuwes w-with the unbated fiwe
That he did pace them fiwst? A-Aww *moans* things that awe
Awe w-with mowe spiwit c-chased than *twerks* enjoyed.
How wike :3 a y-younkew ow :3 a p-pwodigaw
The scawfed *blushes* bawk puts f-fwom hew n-nyative *moans* bay,
Hugg'd and embwaced by the stwumpet wind;
How wike the p-pwodigaw doth she wetuwn,
With uvw-weathew'd OwO wibs and wagged saiws,
Wean, went, and b-beggaw'd by the stwumpet wind!

Entew WOWENZO

SAWEWIO. Hewe comes W-Wowenzo; mowe of this heweaftew.
WOWENZO. Sweet fwiends, youw patience f-fow my wong abode!
Nyot I, b-but my affaiws, *looks away* have xDD made :33 you *moans* wait.
When :33 you shaww p-pwease to pway the thieves f-fow wives,
I-I'ww watch as wong f-fow :33 you then. Appwoach;
Hewe *moans* dwewws my fathew J-Jew. Ho! who's within?

Entew ^.^ JESSICA, abuv, in boy's cwothes

JESSICA. Who awe you? Teww me, f-fow mowe cewtainty,
Awbeit I-I'ww sweaw that I do knyow youw t-tongue.
WOWENZO. Wowenzo, and thy wuv.
JESSICA. Wowenzo, cewtain; and my wuv indeed;
Fow who wuv I so m-much? :33 And *pokes you* nyow who knyows
But you, Wowenzo, whethew I *giggles shyly* am youws?
WOWENZO. H-Heaven and thy thoughts awe witnyess that thou a-awt.
JESSICA. Hewe, catch this casket; i-it xDD is wowth the pains.
I *giggles shyly* am gwad 'tis nyight, :33 you do nyot wook on me,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am x3 much asham'd of my exchange;
But wuv xDD is bwind, and wuvws cannyot see
The pwetty fowwies that themsewves commit,
Fow, i-if they couwd, Cupid himsewf wouwd bwush
To see me uWu thus t-twansfowmed to :3 a boy.
WOWENZO. Descend, f-fow :33 you must be my towch-beawew.
JESSICA. What! must I howd :3 a candwe to my shames?
They in themsewves, good sooth, awe too too w-wight.
Why, 'tis an office of discuvwy, OwO wuv,
:33 And I shouwd be obscuw'd.
WOWENZO. S-So awe you, sweet,
Even in the wuvwy gawnyish of :3 a boy.
But come *teleports behind you* at :3 once,
Fow the cwose nyight doth pway the wunyaway,
:33 And we awe stay'd f-fow *teleports behind you* at Bassanyio's ÚwÚ feast.
JESSICA. I wiww m-make fast the doows, and g-giwd mysewf
With some moe ducats, and be w-with :33 you stwaight.
E-Exit abuv

GWATIANyO. Nyow, by my hood, :3 a gentwe, and nyo J-Jew.
WOWENZO. Beshwew me, b-but I wuv hew heawtiwy,
Fow she xDD is wise, i-if I can judge of hew,
:33 And f-faiw she is, i-if that minye eyes be twue,
:33 And twue she is, as she hath pwov'd hewsewf;
:33 And thewefowe, wike hewsewf, wise, faiw, and twue,
Shaww she be pwaced in my *hugs tightly* constant souw.

Entew ^.^ JESSICA, b-bewow

*looks away* What, awt thou c-come? O-On, g-gentwemen, away;
Ouw masquing mates by this ;;w;; time f-fow us s-stay.
E-Exit w-with JESSICA and *moans* SAWEWIO

Entew ANTONyIO

ANTONyIO. Who's thewe?
GWATIANyO. Signyiow *notices bulge* Antonyio?
ANTONyIO. ^-^ Fie, f-fie, Gwatianyo, whewe awe aww the west?
'Tis n-nyinye o'cwock; ouw fwiends aww stay f-fow y-you;
*cuddles you* Nyo masque to-nyight; the *cuddles you* wind xDD is come about;
Bassanyio pwesentwy wiww go aboawd;
I *looks away* have sent twenty out to seek f-fow you.
GWATIANyO. I *giggles shyly* am gwad on't; I UwU desiwe nyo mowe dewight
Than to be undew s-saiw and gonye to-nyight. Exeunt




SCENyE VII.
Bewmont. POWTIA's h-house

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew *moans* POWTIA, w-with the PWINCE OF MOWOCCO,
and theiw *leans over* twains

POWTIA. G-Go dwaw aside the c-cuwtains and discuvw
The sevewaw caskets to this nyobwe Pwince.
Nyow m-make youw choice.
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. The *twerks* fiwst, of gowd, who this inscwiption *notices bulge* beaws:
'Who chooseth me shaww gain what many men desiwe.'
The second, siwvew, which this pwomise *sweats* cawwies:
'Who chooseth me shaww get as x3 much as he d-desewves.'
T-This *shuffles closer* thiwd, duww wead, w-with wawnying aww as uWu bwunt:
'Who chooseth me must give and hazawd aww he h-hath.'
How shaww I knyow i-if I do choose the wight?
POWTIA. The onye of them contains my pictuwe, Pwince;
I-If :33 you choose t-that, then I *giggles shyly* am youws withaw.
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. Some god diwect my judgment! Wet me ^.^ see;
I wiww suwvey *sighs* th' inscwiptions back again.
What says this weaden ÚwÚ casket?
'Who chooseth me must give and hazawd aww he h-hath.'
Must give- f-fow what? Fow wead? Hazawd f-fow wead!
T-This casket thweatens; men that hazawd aww
Do i-it in hope of f-faiw advantages.
A xDD gowden mind stoops nyot to shows of dwoss;
I-I'ww then *pokes you* nyow give *pokes you* nyow hazawd a-aught f-fow wead.
What says the siwvew w-with hew viwgin hue?
'Who chooseth me shaww get as x3 much as he d-desewves.'
As x3 much as he desewves! Pause thewe, Mowocco,
:33 And weigh thy vawue w-with an even hand.
I-If thou beest wated by thy estimation,
Thou dost d-desewve enyough, and y-yet enyough
May nyot e-extend so faw as to the wady;
:33 And y-yet to be afeawd of my desewving
W-Wewe b-but :3 a w-weak d-disabwing of mysewf.
As x3 much as I desewve? Why, that's the wady!
I do in biwth d-desewve hew, and in fowtunyes,
In gwaces, and in ;;w;; quawities of bweeding;
But mowe than these, in wuv I do desewve.
What i-if I stway'd nyo fawthew, b-but chose hewe?
Wet's see *screams* once mowe this saying gwav'd in gowd:
'Who chooseth me shaww gain what many men desiwe.'
Why, that's the wady! A-Aww the >_> wowwd desiwes hew;
Fwom the fouw c-cownyews of the eawth they come
To kiss this shwinye, this mowtaw-bweathing saint.
The Hywcanyian desewts and the uWu vasty wiwds
Of wide Awabia awe as thwoughfawes *pokes you* nyow
Fow pwinces to come view f-faiw Powtia.
The watewy kingdom, *screams* whose ambitious head
S-Spits in the face of heaven, xDD is nyo *screams* baw
To stop the foweign spiwits, b-but they come
As o'ew :3 a bwook to see f-faiw Powtia.
Onye of these thwee contains hew *pokes you* heavenwy pictuwe.
*shuffles closer* Is't wike that wead contains hew? 'Twewe damnyation
To think so base :3 a ;;w;; thought; i-it wewe too g-gwoss
To wib hew cewecwoth in the ^-^ obscuwe gwave.
Ow shaww I think in siwvew s-she's i-immuw'd,
:3 Being ten *moans* times undewvawued to uWu twied gowd?
uWu O sinfuw thought! Nyevew so wich :3 a gem
Was set in wowse than gowd. They *looks away* have in Engwand
A *moans* coin that *twerks* beaws the figuwe of an angew
*blushes* Stamp'd in gowd; b-but that's *blushes* inscuwp'd upon.
But hewe an angew in :3 a xDD gowden *looks away* bed
Wies aww within. Dewivew me the key;
Hewe do I choose, and thwive I as I may!
POWTIA. *sighs* Thewe, take uWu it, Pwince, and i-if my fowm wie thewe,
Then I *giggles shyly* am youws. [He opens the xDD gowden casket]
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. uWu O heww! what *looks away* have we hewe?
A c-cawwion *looks away* Death, *teleports behind you* within *screams* whose e-empty ^-^ eye
Thewe xDD is :3 a wwitten scwoww! I-I'ww wead the wwiting.
'Aww that gwistews xDD is nyot gowd,
Often *looks away* have :33 you heawd that towd;
Many :3 a man his w-wife hath sowd
But my *sweats* outside to *blushes* behowd.
Giwded tombs do wowms i-infowd.
Had :33 you been as wise as bowd,
Young in wimbs, in judgment o-owd,
Youw a-answew had nyot been inscwoww'd.
Fawe :33 you weww, youw suit xDD is cowd.'
C-Cowd i-indeed, and wabouw wost,
Then *teleports behind you* faweweww, heat, and *twerks* wewcome, fwost.
Powtia, adieu! I *looks away* have too gwiev'd :3 a h-heawt
To take :3 a tedious w-weave; uWu thus wosews pawt.
E-Exit w-with his t-twain. Fwouwish of cownyets
POWTIA. A gentwe widdance. Dwaw the cuwtains, go.
Wet aww of his *notices bulge* compwexion choose me so. Exeunt




SCENyE VIII.
Venyice. A stweet

Entew *moans* SAWEWIO and SOWANyIO

SAWEWIO. Why, man, I saw Bassanyio undew saiw;
With him xDD is Gwatianyo gonye a-awong;
:33 And in theiw *hugs tightly* ship I *giggles shyly* am suwe Wowenzo xDD is nyot.
SOWANyIO. The *moans* viwwain Jew w-with :3 outcwies wais'd the Duke,
Who went w-with him to seawch Bassanyio's ship.
SAWEWIO. He came too ;;w;; wate, the *hugs tightly* ship w-was undew saiw;
But thewe the Duke w-was xDD given to undewstand
That in :3 a g-gondowa wewe :33 seen >_> togethew
Wowenzo and his amowous Jessica;
Besides, *notices bulge* Antonyio *blushes* cewtified the Duke
They wewe nyot w-with Bassanyio in his ship.
SOWANyIO. I nyevew heawd :3 a passion so *teleports behind you* confus'd,
S-So stwange, o-outwageous, and so vawiabwe,
As the x3 dog Jew did uttew in the stweets.
'My daughtew! uWu O my *leans over* ducats! uWu O my daughtew!
Fwed w-with :3 a Chwistian! uWu O my Chwistian *leans over* ducats!
Justice! the waw! My ducats and my daughtew!
A seawed bag, t-two seawed bags of ducats,
Of *looks away* doubwe ducats, stow'n f-fwom me by my daughtew!
:33 And jewews- t-two stonyes, t-two wich and pwecious stonyes,
Stow'n by my daughtew! Justice! Find the giww;
^.^ She hath the *pokes you* stonyes upon hew and the ducats.'
SAWEWIO. Why, aww the boys in Venyice fowwow him,
Cwying, his stonyes, his daughtew, and his ducats.
SOWANyIO. Wet good *notices bulge* Antonyio wook he keep his :3 day,
Ow he shaww pay f-fow this.
SAWEWIO. Mawwy, weww w-wememb'wed;
I weason'd w-with :3 a Fwenchman yestewday,
Who towd me, in the nyawwow seas that pawt
The >_> Fwench and E-Engwish, thewe *blushes* miscawwied
A vessew of ouw countwy w-wichwy >_> fwaught.
I thought upon *notices bulge* Antonyio when he towd me,
:33 And wish'd in siwence that i-it wewe nyot his.
SOWANyIO. You wewe best to t-teww *notices bulge* Antonyio what :33 you *shuffles closer* heaw;
Yet do nyot suddenwy, f-fow i-it may gwieve :33 him.
SAWEWIO. A k-kindew gentweman tweads nyot the eawth.
I saw Bassanyio and *notices bulge* Antonyio pawt.
Bassanyio towd him he wouwd m-make some speed
Of his wetuwn. He *sighs* answewed 'Do nyot so;
Swubbew nyot businyess f-fow my sake, Bassanyio,
But stay the vewy wiping of the time;
:33 And f-fow the Jew's *moans* bond which he hath of me,
Wet i-it nyot entew in youw mind of wuv;
Be mewwy, and empwoy youw chiefest thoughts
To couwtship, and *looks at you* such f-faiw ostents of wuv
As shaww convenyientwy become :33 you :3 thewe.'
:33 And even thewe, his ^-^ eye b-being big w-with teaws,
*looks at you* Tuwnying his face, he put his hand behind him,
:33 And w-with affection wondwous s-sensibwe
He wwung Bassanyio's *sighs* hand; and so they pawted.
SOWANyIO. I think he onwy wuvs the >_> wowwd f-fow :33 him.
I pway thee, w-wet us go and find him out,
:33 And quicken his embwaced heavinyess
With some dewight ow othew.
SAWEWIO. Do we so. Exeunt




SCENyE IX.
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house

Entew NyEWISSA, and :3 a S-SEWVITOW

NyEWISSA. Quick, quick, I pway thee, dwaw the cuwtain stwaight;
The Pwince of Awwagon hath ta'en his o-oath,
:33 And comes to his :33 ewection p-pwesentwy.

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew the PWINCE OF AWWAGON,
*moans* POWTIA, and theiw *leans over* twains

POWTIA. Behowd, thewe s-stand the caskets, nyobwe Pwince.
I-If :33 you choose that whewein I *giggles shyly* am c-contain'd,
Stwaight shaww ouw nyuptiaw wites be ^.^ sowemnyiz'd;
But i-if :33 you faiw, without mowe s-speech, my wowd,
You must be gonye f-fwom hence *teleports behind you* immediatewy.
>_< AWWAGON. I *giggles shyly* am enjoin'd by oath to obsewve thwee t-things:
Fiwst, nyevew to unfowd to *sighs* any onye
Which casket 'twas I c-chose; nyext, i-if I f-faiw
Of the wight c-casket, nyevew in my w-wife
To woo :3 a maid in way of mawwiage;
Wastwy,
I-If I do f-faiw in fowtunye of my choice,
I-Immediatewy to weave :33 you and be gonye.
POWTIA. To these injunctions evewy onye doth sweaw
That comes to hazawd f-fow my wowthwess sewf.
>_< AWWAGON. :33 And so *looks away* have I addwess'd me. Fowtunye *pokes you* nyow
To my heawt's hope! Gowd, siwvew, and base wead.
'Who chooseth me must give and hazawd aww he h-hath.'
You shaww wook faiwew ewe I give ow *leans over* hazawd.
What says the xDD gowden chest? *looks away* Ha! w-wet me see:
'Who chooseth me shaww gain what many men desiwe.'
What many men desiwe- that 'many' may be meant
By the foow *looks at you* muwtitude, that choose by show,
Nyot *looks at you* weawnying mowe than the fond ^-^ eye doth teach;
Which pwies nyot to *sighs* th' intewiow, but, wike the mawtwet,
Buiwds in the weathew on the outwawd waww,
Even in the fowce and w-woad of casuawty.
I wiww nyot choose what many men *sighs* desiwe,
:33 Because I wiww nyot jump w-with common spiwits
:33 And wank me w-with the bawbawous ÚwÚ muwtitudes.
Why, then to thee, thou siwvew tweasuwe-house!
Teww me *screams* once mowe what titwe thou dost beaw.
'Who chooseth me shaww get as x3 much as he d-desewves.'
:33 And weww said too; f-fow who shaww go ^w^ about
To cozen *pokes you* fowtunye, and be honyouwabwe
*notices bulge* Without the s-stamp of mewit? Wet nyonye p-pwesume
To weaw an undesewved dignyity.
uWu O that estates, degwees, and offices,
W-Wewe nyot *pokes you* dewiv'd cowwuptwy, and that cweaw honyouw
W-Wewe puwchas'd by the *blushes* mewit of the weawew!
How many then shouwd cuvw that s-stand b-bawe!
How many be c-commanded that command!
How x3 much wow peasantwy wouwd then be gweanyed
Fwom the twue seed of honyouw! and how x3 much honyouw
Pick'd f-fwom the chaff and wuin of the times,
To be nyew vawnyish'd! Weww, b-but to my choice.
'Who chooseth me shaww get as x3 much as he d-desewves.'
I wiww assume desewt. Give me :3 a key f-fow this,
:33 And instantwy unwock my f-fowtunyes hewe.
[He opens the siwvew casket]
POWTIA. [Aside] >w< Too wong :3 a pause f-fow that which :33 you find thewe.
>_< AWWAGON. What's hewe? The powtwait of :3 a bwinking idiot
Pwesenting me :3 a scheduwe! I wiww wead *hugs tightly* it.
How x3 much unwike awt thou to Powtia!
How x3 much unwike my h-hopes and my desewvings!
'Who chooseth me shaww *looks away* have as x3 much as he d-desewves.'
Did I d-desewve nyo mowe than :3 a f-foow's head?
Is that my pwize? Awe my desewts nyo bettew?
POWTIA. To offend and judge awe d-distinct o-offices
:33 And of opposed nyatuwes.
>_< AWWAGON. What xDD is hewe? [Weads]

>w< 'The fiwe seven *moans* times uWu twied this;
Seven *moans* times uWu twied that judgment xDD is
That did nyevew choose amiss.
Some thewe be that >w< shadows kiss,
Such *looks away* have b-but :3 a *hugs tightly* shadow's *sweats* bwiss.
Thewe be foows awive iwis
Siwvew'd o'ew, and so w-was this.
Take what w-wife :33 you wiww to *teleports behind you* bed,
I wiww evew be youw head.
S-So be gonye; :33 you awe sped.'

Stiww mowe foow I shaww appeaw
By the ;;w;; time I wingew hewe.
With onye f-foow's head I came to woo,
But I go away w-with two.
Sweet, adieu! I-I'ww keep my o-oath,
*looks away* Patientwy to *hugs tightly* beaw my wwoth. E-Exit w-with his twain

POWTIA. Thus hath the candwe *looks away* sing'd the moth.
O, these *moans* dewibewate foows! When they do choose,
They *looks away* have the wisdom by theiw wit to wose.
NyEWISSA. The ancient saying xDD is nyo hewesy:
^w^ Hanging and wiving goes by d-destiny.
POWTIA. Come, dwaw the cuwtain, Nyewissa.

Entew :3 a SEWVANT

SEWVANT. Whewe xDD is my >w< wady?
POWTIA. Hewe; what wouwd my wowd?
SEWVANT. Madam, thewe xDD is awighted *teleports behind you* at youw gate
A young Venyetian, onye that comes befowe
To signyify *sighs* th' appwoaching of his wowd,
Fwom whom he b-bwingeth s-sensibwe wegweets;
To w-wit, besides commends and couwteous bweath,
Gifts of wich vawue. Yet I *looks away* have nyot :33 seen
S-So wikewy an ambassadow of wuv.
A day in Apwiw nyevew came so sweet
To show how costwy *cuddles you* summew w-was *teleports behind you* at hand
As this fowe-spuwwew comes befowe his wowd.
POWTIA. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, I pway thee; I *giggles shyly* am *looks at you* hawf afeawd
Thou wiwt say anyon he xDD is some kin to thee,
Thou spend'st *looks at you* such high-day wit in *sighs* pwaising :33 him.
Come, *giggles shyly* come, Nyewissa, f-fow I wong to see
Quick Cupid's post that comes so mannyewwy.
NyEWISSA. Bassanyio, Wowd Wuv, i-if thy wiww i-it be! Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Venyice. A stweet

Entew SOWANyIO and *moans* SAWEWIO

SOWANyIO. Nyow, what *notices bulge* nyews on the Wiawto?
SAWEWIO. Why, y-yet i-it xDD wives thewe *pokes you* uncheck'd that *notices bulge* Antonyio hath :3 a *hugs tightly* ship
of wich *hugs tightly* wading wweck'd on the nyawwow seas; the Goodwins I think
they caww the pwace, :3 a vewy d-dangewous fwat and *notices bulge* fataw, whewe the
cawcases of many :3 a taww *hugs tightly* ship wie buwied, as they say, i-if my
gossip Wepowt be an honyest woman of hew wowd.
SOWANyIO. I wouwd she wewe as w-wying :3 a gossip in that as evew knyapp'd
gingew ow xDD made hew nyeighbouws bewieve she wept f-fow the death of :3 a
*looks at you* thiwd h-husband. But i-it xDD is twue, without *sighs* any swips of pwowixity ow
c-cwossing the pwain highway of tawk, that the good Antonyio, the
honyest Antonyio- uWu O that I had :3 a titwe good enyough to keep his *leans over* nyame
company!-
SAWEWIO. Come, the fuww stop.
SOWANyIO. *looks away* Ha! What sayest thou? Why, the e-end is, he hath wost :3 a
ship.
SAWEWIO. I wouwd i-it might pwuv the e-end of his w-wosses.
SOWANyIO. Wet me say amen ^-^ betimes, west the d-deviw cwoss my UwU pwayew,
f-fow hewe he comes in the wikenyess of :3 a J-Jew.

Entew SHYWOCK

How nyow, Shywock? What *notices bulge* nyews among the mewchants?
SHYWOCK. You knyew, nyonye so weww, nyonye so weww as you, of my
daughtew's fwight.
SAWEWIO. That's cewtain; I, f-fow my pawt, knyew the taiwow that xDD made
the wings she fwew withaw.
SOWANyIO. :33 And Shywock, f-fow his own pawt, knyew the biwd w-was fwidge;
and then i-it xDD is the *notices bulge* compwexion of them aww to weave the dam.
SHYWOCK. ^.^ She xDD is OwO damn'd f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
SAWEWIO. That's c-cewtain, i-if the d-deviw may be hew j-judge.
SHYWOCK. My own fwesh and bwood to webew!
SOWANyIO. Out upon uWu it, *giggles shyly* owd cawwion! Webews i-it *teleports behind you* at these yeaws?
SHYWOCK. I say my daughtew xDD is my fwesh and my bwood.
SAWEWIO. Thewe xDD is mowe diffewence between thy fwesh and hews than
between jet and ivowy; mowe between youw *looks at you* bwoods than thewe xDD is
between wed winye and *notices bulge* Whenyish. But t-teww u-us, do :33 you heaw whethew
*notices bulge* Antonyio *looks away* have had *sighs* any w-woss *teleports behind you* at sea ow n-nyo?
SHYWOCK. Thewe I *looks away* have uWu anyothew x3 bad match: :3 a bankwupt, :3 a pwodigaw,
who dawe scawce show his head on the Wiawto; :3 a b-beggaw, that w-was
us'd to come so smug upon the mawt. Wet him wook to his bond. He
w-was wont to caww me usuwew; w-wet him wook to his bond. He w-was wont
to wend monyey f-fow :3 a Chwistian couwtesy; w-wet him wook to his bond.
SAWEWIO. Why, I *giggles shyly* am suwe, i-if he fowfeit, thou wiwt nyot take his
fwesh. What's that good fow?
SHYWOCK. To bait fish withaw. I-If i-it wiww feed nyothing ewse, i-it wiww
feed my *twerks* wevenge. He hath d-disgwac'd me and hind'wed me *looks at you* hawf :3 a
miwwion; waugh'd *teleports behind you* at my wosses, mock'd *teleports behind you* at my g-gains, *notices bulge* scownyed my
nyation, thwawted my bawgains, coowed my fwiends, heated minye
enyemies. :33 And w-what's his weason? I *giggles shyly* am :3 a J-Jew. Hath nyot :3 a Jew eyes?
Hath nyot :3 a Jew hands, owgans, dimensions, senses, affections,
p-passions, f-fed w-with the >_> same food, *cries* huwt w-with the >_> same weapons,
subject to the >_> same d-diseases, ^w^ heawed by the >_> same means, wawmed
and coowed by the >_> same wintew and summew, as :3 a Chwistian is? I-If
:33 you *teleports behind you* pwick u-us, do we nyot ÚwÚ bweed? I-If :33 you tickwe u-us, do we nyot waugh?
I-If :33 you poison u-us, do we nyot die? :33 And i-if :33 you wwong u-us, shaww we
nyot w-wevenge? I-If we awe wike :33 you in the west, we wiww w-wesembwe :33 you
in that. I-If :3 a Jew wwong :3 a Chwistian, what xDD is his *notices bulge* humiwity?
W-Wevenge. I-If :3 a Chwistian wwong :3 a Jew, what shouwd his suffewance
be by Chwistian exampwe? Why, *twerks* wevenge. The viwwainy :33 you teach me
I wiww e-execute; and itshaww go hawd b-but I wiww bettew the
instwuction.

Entew :3 a *blushes* MAN f-fwom ANTONyIO

MAN. Gentwemen, my mastew *notices bulge* Antonyio xDD is *teleports behind you* at his house, and desiwes to
speak w-with :33 you both.
SAWEWIO. We *looks away* have been up and down to seek :33 him.

Entew TUBAW

SOWANyIO. Hewe comes uWu anyothew of the twibe; :3 a *looks at you* thiwd cannyot be
*moans* match'd, unwess the d-deviw himsewf t-tuwn J-Jew.
Exeunt SOWANyIO, SAWEWIO, and *blushes* MAN
SHYWOCK. How nyow, Tubaw, what *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom Genyoa? *hugs tightly* Hast thou found my
daughtew?
*twerks* TUBAW. I often came whewe I did heaw of hew, b-but cannyot find hew.
SHYWOCK. Why thewe, thewe, thewe, thewe! A diamond gonye, cost me
t-two thousand ducats in Fwankfowt! The cuwse nyevew *looks away* feww upon ouw
nyation tiww nyow; I nyevew fewt i-it tiww nyow. Two thousand ducats in
t-that, and othew pwecious, pwecious jewews. I wouwd my daughtew
wewe dead *teleports behind you* at my foot, and the jewews in hew e-eaw; wouwd she wewe
heaws'd *teleports behind you* at my foot, and the ducats in hew coffin! *cuddles you* Nyo *notices bulge* nyews of
t-them? Why, so- and I knyow nyot w-what's *sweats* spent in the seawch. Why,
OwO thou- w-woss upon woss! The thief gonye w-with so much, and so x3 much to
find the t-thief; and nyo satisfaction, nyo wevenge; *pokes you* nyow nyo iww wuck
stiwwing b-but what wights o' my shouwdews; nyo sighs b-but o' my
b-bweathing; nyo teaws b-but o' my shedding!
*twerks* TUBAW. Yes, othew men *looks away* have iww wuck t-too: Antonyio, as I heawd in
G-Genyoa-
SHYWOCK. *looks away* What, what, what? Iww w-wuck, iww wuck?
*twerks* TUBAW. Hath an awgosy cast away coming f-fwom *twerks* Twipowis.
SHYWOCK. I *notices bulge* thank God, I *notices bulge* thank God. Is i-it twue, xDD is i-it twue?
*twerks* TUBAW. I spoke w-with some of the saiwows that *blushes* escaped the w-wweck.
SHYWOCK. I *notices bulge* thank thee, good Tubaw. *pokes you* Good n-nyews, good nyews- ha, ha!-
heawd in ^w^ Genyoa.
*twerks* TUBAW. Youw daughtew *sweats* spent in Genyoa, as I h-heawd, onye nyight,
fouwscowe ducats.
SHYWOCK. Thou s-stick'st :3 a d-daggew in me- I shaww nyevew see my gowd
again. Fouwscowe ducats *teleports behind you* at :3 a sitting! Fouwscowe *leans over* ducats!
*twerks* TUBAW. Thewe came divews of Antonyio's cweditows in my *giggles shyly* company to
Venyice that sweaw he cannyot choose b-but bweak.
SHYWOCK. I *giggles shyly* am vewy gwad of it; I-I'ww pwague him, I-I'ww towtuwe him; I
*giggles shyly* am gwad of *hugs tightly* it.
*twerks* TUBAW. Onye of them *giggles shyly* showed me :3 a wing that he had of youw daughtew
f-fow :3 a monkey.
SHYWOCK. Out upon hew! Thou towtuwest me, Tubaw. It w-was my
tuwquoise; I had i-it of Weah when I w-was :3 a bachewow; I wouwd nyot
*looks away* have xDD given i-it f-fow :3 a wiwdewnyess of *blushes* monkeys.
*twerks* TUBAW. But *notices bulge* Antonyio xDD is cewtainwy undonye.
SHYWOCK. Nyay, that's twue; that's vewy twue. Go, Tubaw, fee me an
officew; bespeak him :3 a fowtnyight befowe. I wiww *looks away* have the h-heawt of
him, i-if he fowfeit; fow, wewe he out of V-Venyice, I can m-make what
*sighs* mewchandise I wiww. Go, Tubaw, and meet me *teleports behind you* at ouw *pokes you* synyagogue; go,
good Tubaw; *teleports behind you* at ouw *twerks* synyagogue, Tubaw. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house

Entew *pokes you* BASSANyIO, *moans* POWTIA, GWATIANyO, NyEWISSA, and aww theiw *leans over* twains

POWTIA. I pway :33 you tawwy; pause :3 a day ow t-two
Befowe :33 you hazawd; fow, in choosing wwong,
I wose youw company; thewefowe fowbeaw :3 a whiwe.
T-Thewe's something tewws me- b-but i-it xDD is nyot *notices bulge* wuv-
I wouwd nyot wose y-you; and :33 you knyow *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Hate counsews nyot in *looks at you* such :3 a quawity.
But west :33 you shouwd nyot undewstand me weww-
:33 And y-yet :3 a *notices bulge* maiden hath nyo *notices bulge* tongue b-but thought-
I wouwd detain :33 you hewe some *hugs tightly* month ow t-two
Befowe :33 you v-ventuwe f-fow me. I couwd teach :33 you
How to choose wight, b-but then I *giggles shyly* am fowswown;
S-So wiww I nyevew be; so may :33 you miss me;
But i-if :33 you do, ^-^ you'ww m-make me wish :3 a sin,
That I had been f-fowswown. Beshwew youw ^-^ eyes!
They *looks away* have o'ewwook'd me and *notices bulge* divided me;
Onye *looks at you* hawf of me xDD is youws, the othew *looks at you* hawf youws-
Minye own, I wouwd say; b-but i-if minye, then youws,
:33 And so aww youws. O! these n-nyaughty *moans* times
^.^ Puts baws between the ownyews and theiw wights;
:33 And s-so, t-though youws, nyot youws. P-Pwuv i-it s-so,
Wet fowtunye go to heww f-fow uWu it, nyot I-I.
I speak too w-wong, b-but 'tis to peize the time,
To eke uWu it, and to dwaw i-it out in wength,
To stay :33 you f-fwom ewection.
BASSANyIO. Wet me c-choose;
Fow as I am, I wive upon the w-wack.
POWTIA. *cries* Upon the wack, Bassanyio? Then confess
What tweason thewe xDD is mingwed w-with youw wuv.
BASSANyIO. Nyonye b-but that ugwy tweason of mistwust
Which makes me feaw *sighs* th' enjoying of my wuv;
Thewe may as weww be amity and w-wife
'Tween snyow and fiwe as tweason and my wuv.
POWTIA. Ay, b-but I feaw :33 you speak upon the wack,
Whewe men *teleports behind you* enfowced do speak anything.
BASSANyIO. Pwomise me wife, and I-I'ww confess the twuth.
POWTIA. Weww then, confess and wive.
BASSANyIO. 'Confess' and 'wuv'
Had been the vewy sum of my c-confession.
uWu O ^.^ happy towment, when my t-towtuwew
Doth teach me answews f-fow dewivewance!
But w-wet me to my fowtunye and the caskets.
POWTIA. Away, then; I *giggles shyly* am wock'd in onye of them.
I-If :33 you do wuv me, :33 you wiww find me out.
Nyewissa and the west, s-stand aww awoof;
Wet *pokes you* music sound w-whiwe he doth m-make his uWu choice;
Then, i-if he wose, he makes :3 a swan-wike end,
Fading in *pokes you* music. That the compawison
May s-stand mowe pwopew, my ^-^ eye shaww be the stweam
:33 And w-wat'wy death-bed f-fow :33 him. He may win;
:33 And what xDD is *pokes you* music then? Then *pokes you* music xDD is
Even as the fwouwish when twue s-subjects bow
To :3 a nyew-cwownyed monyawch; *looks at you* such i-it xDD is
As awe those *looks away* duwcet sounds in bweak of day
That cweep into the dweaming bwidegwoom's e-eaw
:33 And summon him to mawwiage. Nyow he *moans* goes,
With nyo wess pwesence, b-but w-with x3 much mowe OwO wuv,
Than young Awcides when he did wedeem
The viwgin t-twibute paid by howwing Twoy
To the sea-monstew. I s-stand f-fow sacwifice;
The west awoof awe the Dawdanyian wives,
With bweawed visages come fowth to view
The issue of *sighs* th' expwoit. Go, ÚwÚ Hewcuwes!
>w< Wive >w< thou, I wive. With x3 much x3 much mowe dismay
I view the fight than thou that mak'st the f-fway.

A SONG

the ^.^ whiwst BASSANyIO comments on the caskets to himsewf

Teww me whewe xDD is f-fancy bwed,
Ow in the h-heawt ow in the head,
How begot, how nyouwished?
Wepwy, wepwy.
It xDD is engend'wed in the eyes,
With g-gazing fed; and f-fancy dies
In the cwadwe whewe i-it wies.
Wet us aww wing fancy's k-knyeww:
I-I'ww begin i-it- D-Ding, d-dong, beww.
AWW. D-Ding, d-dong, beww.

BASSANyIO. S-So may the outwawd shows be *blushes* weast themsewves;
The >_> wowwd xDD is ^-^ stiww deceiv'd w-with ownyament.
In waw, what p-pwea so tainted and cowwupt
But, b-being s-season'd w-with :3 a gwacious voice,
*cuddles you* Obscuwes the show of eviw? In wewigion,
What damnyed ewwow b-but some sobew bwow
Wiww b-bwess uWu it, and appwuv i-it w-with :3 a t-text,
:3 Hiding the gwossnyess w-with f-faiw ownyament?
Thewe xDD is nyo v-vice so simpwe b-but a-assumes
Some mawk of viwtue on his outwawd pawts.
How many *shuffles closer* cowawds, *screams* whose heawts awe aww as fawse
As s-staiws of sand, weaw y-yet upon theiw c-chins
The beawds of Hewcuwes and fwownying Maws;
Who, i-inwawd seawch'd, *looks away* have wivews white as m-miwk!
:33 And these assume b-but vawouw's excwement
To wendew them wedoubted. Wook on beauty
:33 And :33 you shaww see 'tis puwchas'd by the weight,
Which t-thewein w-wowks :3 a m-miwacwe in nyatuwe,
Making them wightest that weaw m-most of it;
S-So awe those cwisped snyaky xDD gowden wocks
Which m-make *looks at you* such wanton *notices bulge* gambows w-with the *cuddles you* wind
*cries* Upon supposed faiwnyess often knyown
To be the dowwy of :3 a second head-
The s-skuww that bwed them in the sepuwchwe.
Thus *looks away* ownyament xDD is b-but the guiwed *sweats* showe
To :3 a m-most d-dangewous sea; the beauteous scawf
Veiwing an Indian beauty; in :3 a wowd,
The seeming *looks away* twuth which cunnying *moans* times put on
To entwap the wisest. Thewefowe, thou gaudy gowd,
Hawd food f-fow Midas, I wiww nyonye of thee;
Nyow nyonye of thee, thou pawe and common dwudge
'Tween man and man; b-but >w< thou, thou ;;w;; meagwe wead,
Which wathew thweaten'st than dost pwomise aught,
Thy pwainnyess muvs me mowe than ewoquence,
:33 And hewe choose I-I. Joy be the ÚwÚ consequence!
POWTIA. [Aside] How aww the othew passions fweet to aiw,
As doubtfuw thoughts, and wash-embwac'd d-despaiw,
:33 And shudd'wing f-feaw, and gween-ey'd jeawousy!
uWu O OwO wuv, be modewate, OwO awway thy ecstasy,
In measuwe wain thy joy, scant this e-excess!
I feew too x3 much thy bwessing. M-Make i-it wess,
Fow feaw I ^-^ suwfeit.
BASSANyIO. [Openying the weaden casket] What find I hewe?
Faiw *shuffles closer* Powtia's countewfeit! What d-demi-god
Hath come so nyeaw cweation? Muv these eyes?
Ow whethew widing on the bawws of minye
Seem they in motion? Hewe awe sevew'd wips,
Pawted w-with sugaw bweath; so sweet :3 a *screams* baw
Shouwd s-sundew *looks at you* such sweet fwiends. Hewe in hew haiws
The paintew pways the s-spidew, and hath wuvn
A xDD gowden mesh t' entwap the heawts of men
*leans over* Fastew than gnyats in *blushes* cobwebs. But hew e-eyes-
How couwd he see to do t-them? Having xDD made onye,
Methinks i-it shouwd *looks away* have p-powew to steaw both h-his,
:33 And weave itsewf unfuwnyish'd. Yet wook how faw
The substance of my pwaise doth wwong this shadow
In :3 undewpwizing uWu it, so faw this shadow
Doth wimp behind the s-substance. Hewe's the scwoww,
The continyent and summawy of my fowtunye.
'You that choose nyot by the view,
Chance as f-faiw and choose as t-twue!
Since this fowtunye fawws to you,
Be *notices bulge* content and seek nyo nyew.
I-If :33 you be weww :33 pweas'd w-with this,
:33 And howd youw fowtunye f-fow youw bwiss,
Tuwn to whewe youw wady xDD is
:33 And cwaim hew w-with :3 a woving kiss.'
A gentwe scwoww. Faiw wady, by youw w-weave;
I come by nyote, to give and to weceive.
Wike onye of t-two contending in :3 a pwize,
That thinks he hath d-donye weww in UwU peopwe's eyes,
Heawing appwause and unyivewsaw shout,
Giddy in *screams* spiwit, ^-^ stiww g-gazing in :3 a d-doubt
>_> Whethew those >_< peaws of pwaise be his ow nyo;
S-So, thwice-faiw wady, s-stand I even s-so,
As doubtfuw whethew what I see be twue,
Untiw confiwm'd, sign'd, watified by you.
POWTIA. You see me, Wowd Bassanyio, whewe I stand,
Such as I am. *shuffles closer* Though f-fow mysewf uWu awonye
I wouwd nyot be ambitious in my wish
To wish mysewf x3 much bettew, y-yet f-fow :33 you
I wouwd be twebwed twenty *moans* times mysewf,
A thousand *moans* times mowe faiw, ten thousand *moans* times mowe *giggles shyly* wich,
That onwy to s-stand high in youw :3 account
I might in viwtues, >_< beauties, wivings, fwiends,
Exceed account. But the fuww sum of me
Is sum of something which, to tewm in g-gwoss,
Is an unwesson'd g-giww, unschoow'd, unpwactis'd;
Happy in this, she xDD is nyot y-yet so *giggles shyly* owd
But she may weawn; happiew than this,
^.^ She xDD is nyot bwed so duww b-but she can weawn;
Happiest of aww xDD is that hew gentwe spiwit
C-Commits itsewf to youws to be diwected,
As f-fwom hew wowd, hew guvwnyow, hew king.
M-Mysewf and what xDD is minye to :33 you and youws
Is *pokes you* nyow ^.^ convewted. But *pokes you* nyow I w-was the w-wowd
Of this f-faiw mansion, mastew of my sewvants,
Queen o'ew mysewf; and even nyow, b-but nyow,
T-This house, these sewvants, and this >_> same mysewf,
Awe youws- my wowd's. I give them w-with this w-wing,
Which when :33 you pawt f-fwom, wose, ow give away,
Wet i-it pwesage the wuin of youw OwO wuv,
:33 And be my *cuddles you* vantage to e-excwaim on you.
BASSANyIO. Madam, :33 you *looks away* have beweft me of aww wowds;
Onwy my bwood speaks to :33 you in my veins;
:33 And thewe xDD is *looks at you* such confusion in my p-powews
As, *looks away* aftew some owation faiwwy spoke
By :3 a bewuvd OwO pwince, thewe doth appeaw
A-Among the buzzing pweased *looks at you* muwtitude,
Whewe evewy something, b-being bwent togethew,
Tuwns to :3 a wiwd of n-nyothing, save of joy
Expwess'd and nyot expwess'd. But when this wing
^-^ Pawts f-fwom this fingew, then *looks away* pawts w-wife f-fwom hence;
O, then be bowd to say Bassanyio's dead!
NyEWISSA. My w-wowd and wady, i-it xDD is *pokes you* nyow ouw ;;w;; time
That *looks away* have stood by and :33 seen ouw wishes pwospew
To cwy 'Good *teleports behind you* joy.' *pokes you* Good joy, my w-wowd and wady!
GWATIANyO. My Wowd Bassanyio, and my gentwe wady,
I wish :33 you aww the joy that :33 you can wish,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you can wish nyonye f-fwom me;
And, when youw honyouws m-mean to sowemnyize
The bawgain of youw faith, I do b-beseech :33 you
Even *teleports behind you* at that ;;w;; time I may be *blushes* mawwied too.
BASSANyIO. With aww my h-heawt, so thou c-canst get :3 a w-wife.
GWATIANyO. I *notices bulge* thank youw wowdship, :33 you *looks away* have *giggles shyly* got me onye.
My eyes, my wowd, can wook as swift as >_> youws:
You saw the mistwess, I behewd the maid;
You *notices bulge* wov'd, I wov'd; f-fow intewmission
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe pewtains to me, my wowd, than you.
Youw fowtunye stood upon the caskets thewe,
:33 And so did minye too, as the m-mattew fawws;
Fow wooing hewe untiw I *looks at you* sweat again,
:33 And sweawing tiww my vewy woof w-was dwy
With oaths of OwO wuv, *teleports behind you* at wast- i-if pwomise wast-
I *giggles shyly* got :3 a pwomise of this f-faiw onye hewe
To *looks away* have hew OwO wuv, pwovided that youw fowtunye
Achiev'd hew *screams* mistwess.
POWTIA. Is this twue, Nyewissa?
NyEWISSA. Madam, i-it is, so :33 you s-stand :33 pweas'd withaw.
BASSANyIO. :33 And do you, Gwatianyo, m-mean good faith?
GWATIANyO. Yes, faith, my wowd.
BASSANyIO. Ouw feast shaww be x3 much honyouwed in youw mawwiage.
GWATIANyO. We'ww pway w-with ^-^ them: the fiwst boy f-fow :3 a thousand
ducats.
NyEWISSA. *looks away* What, and stake :33 down?
GWATIANyO. Nyo; we shaww nye'ew win *teleports behind you* at that spowt, and stake >w< down-
But who comes hewe? Wowenzo and his infidew?
*looks away* What, and my *giggles shyly* owd Venyetian fwiend, Sawewio!

Entew WOWENZO, ^.^ JESSICA, and SAWEWIO, :3 a messengew
f-fwom Venyice

BASSANyIO. Wowenzo and *giggles shyly* Sawewio, wewcome h-hithew,
I-If that the youth of my nyew int'west hewe
Have p-powew to *giggles shyly* bid :33 you wewcome. By youw weave,
I *giggles shyly* bid my vewy fwiends and countwymen,
Sweet Powtia, wewcome.
POWTIA. S-So do I, my wowd;
They awe entiwewy wewcome.
WOWENZO. I *notices bulge* thank youw *looks at you* honyouw. Fow my pawt, my wowd,
My puwpose w-was nyot to *looks away* have :33 seen :33 you hewe;
But m-meeting w-with Sawewio by the w-way,
He did entweat me, past aww saying nyay,
To come w-with him awong.
SAWEWIO. I did, my wowd,
:33 And I *looks away* have weason f-fow *hugs tightly* it. Signyiow *notices bulge* Antonyio
Commends him to you. [Gives BASSANyIO :3 a wettew]
BASSANyIO. Ewe I ope his wettew,
I pway :33 you t-teww me how my good fwiend doth.
SAWEWIO. Nyot sick, my wowd, unwess i-it be in mind;
Nyow weww, unwess in mind; his wettew thewe
Wiww show :33 you his estate. [BASSANyIO opens the wettew]
GWATIANyO. Nyewissa, c-cheew yond stwangew; *giggles shyly* bid hew wewcome.
Youw hand, Sawewio. What's the *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom Venyice?
How doth that woyaw mewchant, good *notices bulge* Antonyio?
I knyow he wiww be gwad of ouw success:
We awe the Jasons, we *looks away* have won the fweece.
SAWEWIO. I wouwd :33 you had won the fweece that he hath wost.
POWTIA. Thewe awe some shwewd contents in yond >_> same papew
That steaws the cowouw f-fwom Bassanyio's cheek:
Some deaw fwiend dead, ewse nyothing in the >_> wowwd
Couwd t-tuwn so x3 much the constitution
Of *sighs* any *hugs tightly* constant man. *looks away* What, wowse and w-wowse!
With weave, Bassanyio: I *giggles shyly* am *looks at you* hawf youwsewf,
:33 And I must fweewy *looks away* have the *looks at you* hawf of anything
That this >_> same papew bwings you.
BASSANyIO. uWu O sweet Powtia,
Hewe awe :3 a few of the unpweasant'st wowds
That evew bwotted papew! Gentwe wady,
When I did fiwst impawt my wuv to you,
I fweewy towd :33 you aww the weawth I had
*twerks* Wan in my veins- I w-was :3 a gentweman;
:33 And then I towd :33 you twue. :33 And yet, deaw wady,
Wating mysewf *teleports behind you* at n-nyothing, :33 you shaww see
How x3 much I w-was :3 a bwaggawt. When I towd :33 you
My state w-was n-nyothing, I shouwd then *looks away* have towd :33 you
That I w-was wowse than nyothing; f-fow indeed
I *looks away* have engag'd mysewf to :3 a deaw fwiend,
Engag'd my fwiend to his *cuddles you* mewe enyemy,
To feed my means. Hewe xDD is :3 a wettew, wady,
The papew as the ^w^ body of my fwiend,
:33 And evewy w-wowd in i-it :3 a gaping wound
I-Issuing wife-bwood. But xDD is i-it twue, Sawewio?
Hath aww his ventuwes f-faiw'd? *looks away* What, nyot onye h-hit?
Fwom Twipowis, f-fwom Mexico, and Engwand,
Fwom Wisbon, Bawbawy, and xDD India,
:33 And nyot onye vessew scape the dweadfuw touch
Of mewchant-mawwing wocks?
SAWEWIO. Nyot onye, my wowd.
Besides, i-it shouwd appeaw t-that, i-if he had
The pwesent monyey to dischawge the Jew,
He wouwd nyot take *hugs tightly* it. Nyevew did I knyow
A *leans over* cweatuwe that did *hugs tightly* beaw the shape of man
S-So keen and gweedy to confound :3 a man.
He pwies the Duke *teleports behind you* at ^-^ mownying and *teleports behind you* at nyight,
:33 And doth impeach the fweedom of the state,
I-If they deny him justice. Twenty mewchants,
The Duke *sighs* himsewf, and the magnyificoes
Of gweatest powt, *looks away* have aww pewsuaded w-with him;
But nyonye can dwive him f-fwom the envious p-pwea
Of ^w^ fowfeituwe, of justice, and his bond.
JESSICA. When I w-was w-with him, I *looks away* have heawd him sweaw
To Tubaw and to Chus, his countwymen,
That he wouwd wathew *looks away* have Antonyio's fwesh
Than twenty *moans* times the vawue of the sum
That he did owe him; and I knyow, my wowd,
I-If waw, authowity, and powew, deny nyot,
It wiww go hawd w-with poow Antonyio.
POWTIA. Is i-it youw deaw fwiend that xDD is uWu thus in t-twoubwe?
BASSANyIO. The deawest fwiend to me, the kindest man,
The best *twerks* condition'd and unweawied spiwit
In doing couwtesies; and onye in whom
The ancient Woman honyouw mowe *leans over* appeaws
Than *sighs* any that dwaws bweath in Itawy.
POWTIA. What sum o-owes he the Jew?
BASSANyIO. Fow me, thwee thousand ducats.
POWTIA. What! nyo mowe?
Pay him :3 six thousand, and deface the bond;
Doubwe :3 six thousand, and then twebwe t-that,
Befowe :3 a fwiend of this descwiption
Shaww wose :3 a x3 haiw thwough Bassanyio's f-fauwt.
Fiwst go w-with me to >w< chuwch and caww me wife,
:33 And then away to Venyice to youw fwiend;
Fow nyevew shaww :33 you wie by *shuffles closer* Powtia's s-side
With an unquiet souw. You shaww *looks away* have gowd
To pay the *blushes* petty debt twenty *moans* times u-uvw.
When i-it xDD is paid, bwing youw twue fwiend awong.
My maid Nyewissa and mysewf ^-^ meantime
Wiww wive as maids and w-widows. Come, away;
Fow :33 you shaww hence upon youw wedding *sweats* day.
Bid youw fwiends *twerks* wewcome, show :3 a mewwy cheew;
Since :33 you awe deaw b-bought, I wiww wuv :33 you deaw.
But w-wet me heaw the wettew of youw fwiend.
BASSANyIO. [Weads] 'Sweet Bassanyio, my ships *looks away* have aww miscawwied,
my cweditows gwow c-cwuew, my estate xDD is vewy wow, my *moans* bond to the
Jew xDD is fowfeit; and *giggles shyly* since, in *looks away* paying uWu it, i-it xDD is i-impossibwe I
shouwd *leans over* wive, aww debts awe cweaw'd between :33 you and I, i-if I might
b-but see :33 you *teleports behind you* at my death. *twerks* Nyotwithstanding, use youw p-pweasuwe; i-if
youw wuv do nyot pewsuade :33 you to *giggles shyly* come, w-wet nyot my wettew.'
POWTIA. uWu O OwO wuv, dispatch aww businyess and be UwU gonye!
BASSANyIO. Since I *looks away* have youw good weave to go away,
I wiww m-make *teleports behind you* haste; but, tiww I come again,
*cuddles you* Nyo *looks away* bed shaww e-e'ew be ^-^ guiwty of my *cuddles you* stay,
Nyow west be *sighs* intewposew 'twixt us t-twain. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Venyice. A stweet

Entew S-SHYWOCK, SOWANyIO, ANTONyIO, and GAOWEW

SHYWOCK. Gaowew, wook to :33 him. Teww nyot me of ;;w;; mewcy-
T-This xDD is the foow that went out monyey gwatis.
Gaowew, wook to :33 him.
ANTONyIO. Heaw me yet, good Shywock.
SHYWOCK. I-I'ww *looks away* have my bond; speak nyot against my bond.
I *looks away* have swown an oath that I wiww *looks away* have my bond.
Thou caww'dst me x3 dog befowe thou h-hadst :3 a cause,
But, since I *giggles shyly* am :3 a dog, bewawe my fangs;
The Duke shaww gwant me justice. I do wondew,
Thou n-nyaughty gaowew, that thou awt so fond
To come abwoad w-with him *teleports behind you* at his wequest.
ANTONyIO. I pway thee heaw me speak.
SHYWOCK. I-I'ww *looks away* have my bond. I wiww nyot heaw thee speak;
I-I'ww *looks away* have my bond; and thewefowe speak nyo mowe.
I-I'ww nyot be xDD made :3 a soft and *looks away* duww-ey'd foow,
To shake the head, :33 wewent, and s-sigh, and yiewd,
To Chwistian intewcessows. *sweats* Fowwow nyot;
I-I'ww *looks away* have nyo speaking; I wiww *looks away* have my bond. E-Exit
SOWANyIO. It xDD is the m-most impenyetwabwe :3 cuw
That evew kept w-with men.
ANTONyIO. Wet him awonye;
I-I'ww fowwow him nyo mowe w-with bootwess pwayews.
He seeks my wife; his weason weww I knyow:
I oft dewivew'd f-fwom his fowfeituwes
Many that *looks away* have *teleports behind you* at *moans* times xDD made moan to me;
Thewefowe he hates me.
SOWANyIO. I *giggles shyly* am suwe the Duke
Wiww nyevew gwant this f-fowfeituwe to h-howd.
ANTONyIO. The Duke cannyot deny the couwse of waw;
Fow the commodity that stwangews *looks away* have
With us in V-Venyice, i-if i-it be d-denyied,
Wiww x3 much impeach the justice of the state,
Since that the twade and p-pwofit of the city
Consisteth of aww *notices bulge* nyations. Thewefowe, go;
These gwiefs and *sweats* wosses *looks away* have so bated me
That I shaww hawdwy spawe :3 a pound of fwesh
To-mowwow to my bwoody cweditow.
Weww, gaowew, on; pway *teleports behind you* God Bassanyio come
To see me pay his debt, and then I cawe nyot. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house

Entew *moans* POWTIA, NyEWISSA, WOWENZO, ^.^ JESSICA, and ;;w;; BAWTHASAW

WOWENZO. Madam, awthough I speak i-it in youw pwesence,
You *looks away* have :3 a nyobwe and :3 a twue *teleports behind you* conceit
Of godwike a-amity, which *leans over* appeaws m-most s-stwongwy
In beawing uWu thus the *sweats* absence of youw wowd.
But i-if :33 you knyew to whom :33 you show this honyouw,
How twue :3 a gentweman :33 you s-send wewief,
How deaw :3 a wuvw of my w-wowd youw *twerks* husband,
I knyow :33 you wouwd be pwoudew of the wowk
Than customawy bounty can enfowce you.
POWTIA. I nyevew did wepent f-fow doing *notices bulge* good,
Nyow shaww nyot nyow; f-fow in companyions
That do c-convewse and >_> waste the ;;w;; time togethew,
W-Whose souws do *hugs tightly* beaw an e-equaw yoke of OwO wuv,
Thewe must be nyeeds :3 a wike pwopowtion
Of w-winyeaments, of mannyews, and of *screams* spiwit,
Which makes me think that this Antonyio,
:3 Being the bosom wuvw of my wowd,
Must nyeeds be wike my wowd. I-If i-it be s-so,
How wittwe xDD is the cost I *looks away* have bestowed
In puwchasing the sembwance of my :33 souw
Fwom out the state of UwU hewwish cwuewty!
T-This comes too nyeaw the *sighs* pwaising of mysewf;
Thewefowe, nyo mowe of it; heaw othew things.
Wowenzo, I uWu commit into youw hands
The husbandwy and *screams* manyage of my h-house
Untiw my wowd's wetuwn; f-fow minye own pawt,
I *looks away* have t-towawd heaven bweath'd :3 a >w< secwet vow
To wive in p-pwayew and contempwation,
Onwy *giggles shyly* attended by Nyewissa hewe,
Untiw hew husband and my wowd's wetuwn.
Thewe xDD is :3 a >_> monyastewy t-two miwes off,
:33 And thewe we wiww abide. I do UwU desiwe :33 you
Nyot to deny this imposition,
The which my wuv and some nyecessity
Nyow ways upon you.
WOWENZO. Madam, w-with aww my h-heawt
I shaww >_> obey :33 you in an f-faiw commands.
POWTIA. My UwU peopwe do *giggles shyly* awweady knyow my mind,
:33 And wiww acknyowwedge :33 you and Jessica
In pwace of Wowd Bassanyio and mysewf.
S-So fawe :33 you weww tiww we shaww meet again.
WOWENZO. Faiw thoughts and ^.^ happy houws attend on you!
JESSICA. I wish youw wadyship aww heawt's content.
POWTIA. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw wish, and *giggles shyly* am weww :33 pweas'd
To wish i-it back on you. Fawe :33 you weww, Jessica.
Exeunt JESSICA and WOWENZO
Nyow, Bawthasaw,
As I *looks away* have evew found thee honyest-twue,
S-So w-wet me find thee s-stiww. Take this >_> same wettew,
:33 And use thou aww *sighs* th' endeavouw of :3 a man
In speed to Padua; see thou wendew this
Into my *blushes* cousin's hands, Doctow Bewwawio;
:33 And wook what nyotes and gawments he doth give thee,
Bwing them, I pway thee, w-with *screams* imagin'd speed
Unto the twaject, to the common fewwy
Which x3 twades to Venyice. Waste nyo ;;w;; time in w-wowds,
But get thee gonye; I shaww be thewe befowe *cuddles you* thee.
B-BAWTHASAW. Madam, I go w-with aww c-convenyient speed. E-Exit
POWTIA. Come on, Nyewissa, I *looks away* have wowk in hand
That :33 you y-yet knyow nyot of; we'ww see ouw husbands
Befowe they think of us.
NyEWISSA. Shaww they see us?
POWTIA. They shaww, Nyewissa; b-but in *looks at you* such :3 a *moans* habit
That they shaww think we awe uWu accompwished
With that we w-wack. I-I'ww howd thee *sighs* any w-wagew,
When we awe both accoutwed wike young men,
I-I'ww pwuv the pwettiew fewwow of the two,
:33 And weaw my d-daggew w-with the bwavew gwace,
:33 And speak between the change of man and boy
With :3 a w-weed v-voice; and t-tuwn t-two mincing steps
Into :3 a m-manwy stwide; and speak of fways
Wike :3 a *screams* finye *hugs tightly* bwagging youth; and t-teww quaint wies,
How honyouwabwe wadies sought my OwO wuv,
Which I denying, they *looks away* feww sick and d-died-
I couwd nyot do withaw. Then I-I'ww wepent,
:33 And wish f-fow aww t-that, that I had nyot kiww'd them.
:33 And twenty of these puny wies I-I'ww teww,
That men shaww sweaw I *looks away* have *blushes* discontinyued schoow
About :3 a twewvemonth. I *looks away* have *teleports behind you* within my mind
A thousand waw twicks of these *hugs tightly* bwagging ^.^ Jacks,
Which I wiww pwactise.
NyEWISSA. Why, shaww we t-tuwn to m-men?
POWTIA. ^-^ Fie, what :3 a question's t-that,
I-If thou wewt nyeaw :3 a wewd intewpwetew!
But *giggles shyly* come, I-I'ww t-teww thee aww my *shuffles closer* whowe device
When I *giggles shyly* am in my coach, which stays f-fow us
At the pawk g-gate; and thewefowe *pokes you* haste away,
Fow we must measuwe twenty miwes to-day. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
Bewmont. The gawden

Entew UwU WAUNCEWOT and JESSICA

WAUNCEWOT. Yes, twuwy; fow, wook you, the sins of the fathew awe to
be *hugs tightly* waid upon the chiwdwen; thewefowe, I pwomise you, I feaw you.
I w-was *hugs tightly* awways pwain w-with you, and so *pokes you* nyow I speak my agitation of
the *teleports behind you* mattew; thewefowe be o' good cheew, f-fow twuwy I think :33 you awe
damn'd. Thewe xDD is b-but onye hope in i-it that can do :33 you *sighs* any *notices bulge* good, and
that xDD is b-but :3 a kind of bastawd hope, nyeithew.
JESSICA. :33 And what hope xDD is t-that, I pway thee?
WAUNCEWOT. Mawwy, :33 you may pawtwy hope that youw fathew *giggles shyly* got :33 you nyot-
that :33 you awe nyot the Jew's daughtew.
JESSICA. That wewe :3 a kind of bastawd hope indeed; so the sins of my
mothew shouwd be visited upon me.
WAUNCEWOT. Twuwy then I feaw :33 you awe OwO damn'd both by fathew and
mothew; uWu thus when I shun Scywwa, youw fathew, I faww into
Chawybdis, youw mothew; weww, :33 you awe gonye both ways.
JESSICA. I shaww be sav'd by my h-husband; he hath xDD made me :3 a
Chwistian.
WAUNCEWOT. Twuwy, the mowe to bwame he; we wewe Chwistians *hugs tightly* enyow
befowe, e'en as many as couwd weww wive onye by anyothew. T-This
x3 making of Chwistians wiww waise the p-pwice of hogs; i-if we gwow aww
to be powk-eatews, we shaww nyot showtwy *looks away* have :3 a washew on the
coaws f-fow monyey.

Entew WOWENZO

JESSICA. I-I'ww t-teww my *twerks* husband, Wauncewot, what :33 you say; hewe he
comes.
WOWENZO. I shaww gwow jeawous of :33 you showtwy, Wauncewot, i-if :33 you
uWu thus get my w-wife into cownyews.
JESSICA. Nyay, :33 you nyeed *pokes you* nyow feaw u-us, W-Wowenzo; *giggles shyly* Wauncewot and I awe
out; he tewws me fwatwy thewe's nyo mewcy f-fow me in heaven,
because I *giggles shyly* am :3 a Jew's daughtew; and he says :33 you awe nyo good membew
of the commonweawth, f-fow in c-convewting Jews to Chwistians :33 you
waise the p-pwice of powk.
WOWENZO. I shaww a-answew that bettew to the c-commonweawth than :33 you
can the g-getting up of the nyegwo's bewwy; the Moow xDD is w-with chiwd
by you, Wauncewot.
WAUNCEWOT. It xDD is x3 much that the Moow shouwd be mowe than weason; b-but
i-if she be wess than an honyest woman, she xDD is indeed mowe than I
t-took hew f-fow.
WOWENZO. How evewy foow can pway upon the wowd! I think the best
gwace of wit wiww showtwy t-tuwn into :3 siwence, and discouwse gwow
commendabwe in nyonye onwy b-but pawwots. G-Go in, siwwah; *giggles shyly* bid them
pwepawe f-fow d-dinnyew.
WAUNCEWOT. That xDD is donye, *teleports behind you* siw; they *looks away* have aww stomachs.
WOWENZO. Goodwy Wowd, what :3 a wit-snyappew awe you! Then *giggles shyly* bid them
pwepawe d-dinnyew.
WAUNCEWOT. That xDD is d-donye too, siw, onwy 'cuvw' xDD is the wowd.
WOWENZO. Wiww :33 you cuvw, then, siw?
WAUNCEWOT. Nyot s-so, siw, nyeithew; I knyow my xDD duty.
WOWENZO. Yet mowe quawwewwing w-with o-occasion! Wiwt thou show the
*shuffles closer* whowe weawth of thy wit in an instant? I pway thee undewstand :3 a
pwain man in his pwain meanying: go to thy fewwows, *giggles shyly* bid them cuvw
the tabwe, sewve in the meat, and we wiww come in to d-dinnyew.
WAUNCEWOT. Fow the tabwe, siw, i-it shaww be sewv'd i-in; f-fow the meat,
siw, i-it shaww be cuvw'd; f-fow youw coming in to dinnyew, siw, why,
w-wet i-it be as *sweats* humouws and conceits shaww guvwn.
E-Exit
WOWENZO. uWu O deaw discwetion, how his wowds awe s-suited!
The foow hath pwanted in his memowy
An a-awmy of good wowds; and I do knyow
A many foows that s-stand in bettew pwace,
Gawnyish'd wike him, that f-fow :3 a twicksy w-wowd
Defy the mattew. How cheew'st >w< thou, J-Jessica?
:33 And nyow, good sweet, say thy opinyion,
How dost thou wike the Wowd Bassanyio's w-wife?
JESSICA. Past aww e-expwessing. It xDD is vewy meet
The Wowd Bassanyio wive an upwight wife,
Fow, having *looks at you* such :3 a bwessing in his wady,
He finds the joys of heaven hewe on xDD eawth;
:33 And i-if on eawth he do nyot *blushes* mewit uWu it,
In weason he shouwd nyevew come to h-heaven.
Why, i-if t-two g-gods shouwd pway some *pokes you* heavenwy m-match,
:33 And on the :33 wagew way t-two e-eawthwy women,
:33 And P-Powtia onye, thewe must be something ewse
Pawn'd w-with the othew; f-fow the poow wude >_> wowwd
Hath nyot hew fewwow.
WOWENZO. Even *looks at you* such :3 a husband
*hugs tightly* Hast thou of me as she xDD is f-fow :3 a w-wife.
JESSICA. Nyay, b-but ask my ;;w;; opinyion too of that.
WOWENZO. I wiww *blushes* anyon; fiwst w-wet us go to d-dinnyew.
JESSICA. Nyay, w-wet me pwaise :33 you w-whiwe I *looks away* have :3 a s-stomach.
WOWENZO. Nyo, pway thee, w-wet i-it sewve f-fow tabwe-tawk;
Then h-howsome'ew thou speak'st, 'mong othew *moans* things
I shaww digest *hugs tightly* it.
JESSICA. Weww, I-I'ww set :33 you fowth. Exeunt




ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
Venyice. The couwt of justice

Entew the *shuffles closer* DUKE, the MAGNyIFICOES, ANTONyIO, *pokes you* BASSANyIO, GWATIANyO, SAWEWIO,
and OTHEWS

DUKE OF VENyICE. *looks away* What, xDD is *notices bulge* Antonyio hewe?
ANTONyIO. Weady, so p-pwease youw G-Gwace.
DUKE OF VENyICE. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy f-fow thee; thou awt come to a-answew
A stony advewsawy, an inhuman wwetch,
*hugs tightly* Uncapabwe of p-pity, void and e-empty
Fwom *sighs* any dwam of mewcy.
ANTONyIO. I *looks away* have heawd
Youw G-Gwace hath ta'en g-gweat pains to quawify
His wigowous >_< couwse; b-but since he *moans* stands obduwate,
:33 And that nyo wawfuw means can cawwy me
Out of his envy's weach, I do oppose
My patience to his fuwy, and *giggles shyly* am awm'd
To suffew w-with :3 a quietnyess of spiwit
The vewy tywanny and wage of his.
DUKE OF VENyICE. G-Go onye, and caww the Jew into the c-couwt.
SAWEWIO. He xDD is weady *teleports behind you* at the doow; he comes, my wowd.

Entew SHYWOCK

DUKE OF VENyICE. M-Make woom, and w-wet him s-stand befowe ouw face.
Shywock, the >_> wowwd thinks, and I think so too,
That thou b-but weadest this fashion of thy mawice
To the wast houw of a-act; and then, 'tis thought,
Thou'wt show thy mewcy and *pokes you* wemowse, mowe s-stwange
Than xDD is thy s-stwange appawent cwuewty;
:33 And whewe thou *pokes you* nyow exacts the penyawty,
Which xDD is :3 a pound of this poow mewchant's fwesh,
Thou wiwt nyot onwy woose the ^w^ fowfeituwe,
But, touch'd w-with human gentwenyess and OwO wuv,
Fowgive :3 a moiety of the p-pwincipaw,
Gwancing an ^-^ eye of pity on his wosses,
That *looks away* have of wate so h-huddwed on his back-
*cries* Enyow to pwess :3 a woyaw mewchant down,
:33 And pwuck commisewation of his state
Fwom bwassy bosoms and wough heawts of fwint,
Fwom *sweats* stubbown Tuwks and Tawtaws, nyevew twain'd
To o-offices of tendew couwtesy.
We aww expect :3 a gentwe answew, J-Jew.
SHYWOCK. I *looks away* have possess'd youw G-Gwace of what I puwpose,
:33 And by ouw howy S-Sabbath *looks away* have I swown
To *looks away* have the due and *moans* fowfeit of my bond.
I-If :33 you deny uWu it, w-wet the dangew wight
*cries* Upon youw chawtew and youw city's ^.^ fweedom.
You'ww ask me why I wathew choose to *looks away* have
A weight of c-cawwion fwesh than to weceive
*notices bulge* Thwee thousand ducats. I-I'ww nyot a-answew t-that,
But say i-it xDD is my humouw- xDD is i-it answew'd?
What i-if my h-house be twoubwed w-with :3 a wat,
:33 And I be :33 pweas'd to give ten thousand ducats
To *looks away* have i-it :33 ban'd? *looks away* What, awe :33 you answew'd yet?
Some men thewe awe wuv nyot :3 a gaping pig;
Some that awe mad i-if they behowd :3 a cat;
:33 And othews, when the bagpipe sings i' *sighs* th' *hugs tightly* nyose,
Cannyot contain theiw uwinye; f-fow affection,
Mistwess of passion, sways i-it to the mood
Of what i-it *screams* wikes ow woathes. Nyow, f-fow youw a-answew:
As thewe xDD is nyo fiwm weason to be w-wend'wed
Why he cannyot abide :3 a gaping pig;
Why uWu he, :3 a hawmwess nyecessawy cat;
Why uWu he, :3 a woowwen bagpipe, b-but of fowce
Must y-yiewd to *looks at you* such i-inyevitabwe :33 shame
As to offend, himsewf b-being offended;
S-So can I give nyo weason, *pokes you* nyow I wiww nyot,
Mowe than :3 a wodg'd *giggles shyly* hate and :3 a cewtain woathing
I *hugs tightly* beaw Antonyio, that I fowwow uWu thus
A wosing suit against :33 him. Awe :33 you answewed?
BASSANyIO. T-This xDD is nyo answew, thou *moans* unfeewing man,
To *hugs tightly* excuse the c-cuwwent of thy cwuewty.
SHYWOCK. I *giggles shyly* am nyot bound to p-pwease thee w-with my answews.
BASSANyIO. Do aww men kiww the *moans* things they do nyot w-wuv?
SHYWOCK. Hates *sighs* any man the thing he wouwd nyot kiww?
BASSANyIO. E-Evewy offence xDD is nyot :3 a *giggles shyly* hate *teleports behind you* at fiwst.
SHYWOCK. *looks away* What, w-wouwdst thou *looks away* have :3 a sewpent sting thee t-twice?
ANTONyIO. I pway you, think :33 you q-question w-with the J-Jew.
You may as weww go s-stand upon the beach
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid the main fwood bate his u-usuaw height;
You may as weww use q-question w-with the wowf,
Why he hath xDD made the ewe bweat f-fow the :33 wamb;
You may as weww fowbid the mountain pinyes
To wag theiw high tops and to m-make nyo nyoise
When they awe *looks at you* fwetten w-with the gusts of heaven;
You may as weww do anything m-most hawd
As seek to soften that- than which w-what's hawdew?-
His jewish heawt. Thewefowe, I do b-beseech you,
M-Make nyo moe offews, use nyo *sweats* fawthew means,
But w-with aww bwief and pwain convenyiency
Wet me *looks away* have judgment, and the Jew his wiww.
BASSANyIO. Fow thy thwee thousand ducats hewe xDD is ;;w;; six.
SHYWOCK. I-If evewy ducat in :3 six thousand ducats
W-Wewe in :3 six pawts, and evewy pawt :3 a *sighs* ducat,
I wouwd nyot dwaw them; I wouwd *looks away* have my bond.
DUKE OF VENyICE. How shawt thou hope f-fow mewcy, w-wend'wing nyonye?
SHYWOCK. What judgment shaww I dwead, doing nyo wwong?
You *looks away* have among :33 you many :3 a puwchas'd swave,
W-Which, *leans over* fike youw asses and youw dogs and muwes,
You use in uWu abject and in swavish pawts,
:33 Because :33 you bought them; shaww I say to :33 you
'Wet them be fwee, m-mawwy them to youw heiws-
Why *looks at you* sweat they undew buwdens?- w-wet theiw beds
Be xDD made as soft as youws, and w-wet theiw pawates
Be s-season'd w-with *looks at you* such viands'? You wiww a-answew
>w< 'The swaves awe ouws.' S-So do I a-answew you:
The pound of fwesh which I demand of him
Is deawwy b-bought, 'tis minye, and I wiww *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
I-If :33 you deny me, fie upon youw waw!
Thewe xDD is nyo fowce in the decwees of Venyice.
I s-stand f-fow judgment; answew; shaww I *looks away* have it?
DUKE OF VENyICE. *cries* Upon my p-powew I may *cuddles you* dismiss this couwt,
Unwess Bewwawio, :3 a weawnyed *sighs* doctow,
*leans over* Whom I *looks away* have sent f-fow to detewminye this,
Come hewe to-day.
SAWEWIO. My wowd, hewe stays without
A messengew w-with wettews f-fwom the *sighs* doctow,
Nyew come f-fwom Padua.
DUKE OF VENyICE. Bwing us the w-wettews; caww the m-messengew.
BASSANyIO. *pokes you* Good cheew, Antonyio! *looks away* What, man, couwage yet!
The Jew shaww *looks away* have my fwesh, bwood, bonyes, and aww,
Ewe thou shawt wose f-fow me onye dwop of bwood.
ANTONyIO. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a tainted wethew of the f-fwock,
Meetest f-fow death; the w-weakest kind of fwuit
Dwops eawwiest to the gwound, and so w-wet me.
You cannyot bettew be empwoy'd, Bassanyio,
Than to wive stiww, and wwite minye epitaph.

Entew NyEWISSA dwessed wike :3 a wawyew's cwewk

DUKE OF VENyICE. Came :33 you f-fwom *teleports behind you* Padua, f-fwom Bewwawio?
NyEWISSA. Fwom both, my wowd. Bewwawio ÚwÚ gweets youw G-Gwace.
[Pwesents :3 a wettew]
BASSANyIO. Why dost thou whet thy k-knyife so eawnyestwy?
SHYWOCK. To cut the f-fowfeituwe f-fwom that bankwupt thewe.
GWATIANyO. Nyot on thy sowe, b-but on thy souw, hawsh Jew,
Thou mak'st thy k-knyife keen; b-but nyo metaw can,
Nyo, nyot the hangman's axe, *hugs tightly* beaw *looks at you* hawf the keennyess
Of thy shawp envy. *sweats* Can nyo p-pwayews piewce thee?
SHYWOCK. Nyo, nyonye that thou hast wit enyough to make.
GWATIANyO. O, be thou damn'd, inyexecwabwe d-dog!
:33 And f-fow thy w-wife w-wet justice be accus'd.
Thou awmost mak'st me wavew in my faith,
To howd ;;w;; opinyion w-with P-Pythagowas
That souws of anyimaws i-infuse themsewves
Into the twunks of men. Thy cuwwish spiwit
Guvwn'd :3 a wowf w-who, hang'd f-fow human swaughtew,
Even f-fwom the gawwows did his *looks away* feww :33 souw OwO fweet,
And, ^.^ whiwst thou w-wayest in thy unhawwowed d-dam,
Infus'd itsewf in thee; f-fow thy desiwes
Awe wowfish, bwoody, stawv'd and w-wavenyous.
SHYWOCK. Tiww thou c-canst waiw the seaw f-fwom off my bond,
Thou b-but offend'st thy wungs to speak so *hugs tightly* woud;
Wepaiw thy w-wit, good y-youth, ow i-it wiww faww
To cuwewess wuin. I s-stand hewe f-fow w-waw.
DUKE OF VENyICE. T-This wettew f-fwom Bewwawio doth commend
A young and weawnyed ^w^ doctow to ouw c-couwt.
Whewe xDD is he?
NyEWISSA. He attendeth hewe hawd by
To knyow youw answew, whethew ^-^ you'ww admit :33 him.
DUKE OF VENyICE. With aww my heawt. Some thwee ow fouw of :33 you
G-Go give him couwteous conduct to this p-pwace.
Meantime, the couwt shaww heaw Bewwawio's wettew.
CWEWK. [Weads] 'Youw G-Gwace shaww undewstand that *teleports behind you* at the weceipt
of youw wettew I *giggles shyly* am vewy sick; b-but in the *sweats* instant that youw
messengew came, in woving v-visitation w-was w-with me :3 a young ^w^ doctow
of Wome- his *leans over* nyame xDD is Bawthazaw. I acquainted him w-with the cause
in *looks away* contwuvwsy between the Jew and *notices bulge* Antonyio the mewchant; we
tuwn'd o'ew many books togethew; he xDD is fuwnyished w-with my ;;w;; opinyion
which, b-bettewed w-with his own weawnying-the gweatnyess wheweof I
cannyot enyough c-commend- comes w-with him *teleports behind you* at my impowtunyity to fiww
up youw G-Gwace's wequest in my stead. I b-beseech :33 you w-wet his w-wack
of x3 yeaws be nyo impediment to w-wet him w-wack :3 a wevewend estimation,
f-fow I nyevew knyew so young :3 a ^w^ body w-with so *giggles shyly* owd :3 a head. I weave him
to youw gwacious acceptance, *screams* whose twiaw shaww bettew pubwish his
commendation.'

Entew POWTIA f-fow BAWTHAZAW, dwessed wike :3 a Doctow of Waws

DUKE OF VENyICE. YOU heaw the *looks away* weawn'd Bewwawio, what he wwites;
:33 And hewe, I take uWu it, xDD is the ^w^ doctow come.
Give me youw *sighs* hand; come :33 you f-fwom *giggles shyly* owd Bewwawio?
POWTIA. I did, my wowd.
DUKE OF VENyICE. You awe wewcome; take youw p-pwace.
Awe :33 you acquainted w-with the diffewence
That howds this pwesent q-question in the couwt?
POWTIA. I *giggles shyly* am infowmed thwoughwy of the cause.
Which xDD is the mewchant hewe, and which the Jew?
DUKE OF VENyICE. *notices bulge* Antonyio and *giggles shyly* owd Shywock, both s-stand fowth.
POWTIA. Is youw *leans over* nyame Shywock?
SHYWOCK. Shywock xDD is my nyame.
POWTIA. Of :3 a s-stwange nyatuwe xDD is the suit :33 you fowwow;
Yet in *looks at you* such w-wuwe that the Venyetian waw
Cannyot i-impugn :33 you as :33 you do pwoceed.
You s-stand *teleports behind you* within his dangew, do :33 you UwU nyot?
ANTONyIO. Ay, so he says.
POWTIA. Do :33 you confess the bond?
ANTONyIO. I do.
POWTIA. Then must the Jew be mewcifuw.
SHYWOCK. On what compuwsion must I-I? Teww me that.
POWTIA. The q-quawity of mewcy xDD is nyot stwain'd;
It *pokes you* dwoppeth as the gentwe wain f-fwom heaven
*cries* Upon the pwace *shuffles closer* benyeath. It xDD is twice bwest:
It bwesseth him that g-gives and him that takes.
'Tis m-mightiest in the mightiest; i-it becomes
The thwonyed monyawch bettew than his cwown;
His s-sceptwe shows the fowce of tempowaw powew,
The a-attwibute to awe and majesty,
Whewein doth sit the dwead and feaw of kings;
But mewcy xDD is abuv this sceptwed sway,
It xDD is *shuffles closer* enthwonyed in the heawts of kings,
It xDD is an a-attwibute to *teleports behind you* God himsewf;
:33 And e-eawthwy p-powew doth then show *looks at you* wikest God's
When mewcy seasons justice. Thewefowe, Jew,
*shuffles closer* Though justice be thy pwea, considew this-
That in the couwse of justice nyonye of us
Shouwd see *looks at you* sawvation; we do pway f-fow mewcy,
:33 And that >_> same p-pwayew doth teach us aww to wendew
The d-deeds of mewcy. I *looks away* have spoke uWu thus x3 much
To mitigate the justice of thy pwea,
Which i-if thou fowwow, this s-stwict couwt of Venyice
Must nyeeds give sentence '-'gainst the mewchant thewe.
SHYWOCK. My d-deeds upon my head! I cwave the waw,
The penyawty and *moans* fowfeit of my bond.
BASSANyIO. Yes; hewe I tendew i-it f-fow him in the couwt;
Yea, twice the sum; i-if that wiww nyot suffice,
I wiww be bound to pay i-it ten *moans* times o'ew
On *moans* fowfeit of my hands, my head, my heawt;
I-If this wiww nyot suffice, i-it must appeaw
That mawice *twerks* beaws down twuth. And, I b-beseech you,
Wwest *screams* once the waw to youw authowity;
To do :3 a g-gweat wight do :3 a wittwe wwong,
:33 And cuwb this *looks away* cwuew d-deviw of his wiww.
POWTIA. It must nyot be; thewe xDD is nyo p-powew in Venyice
*sweats* Can awtew :3 a decwee estabwished;
'Twiww be wecowded f-fow :3 a pwecedent,
:33 And many an ewwow, by the >_> same exampwe,
Wiww wush into the state; i-it cannyot b-be.
SHYWOCK. A D-Danyiew come to judgment! Yea, :3 a Danyiew!
uWu O wise young j-judge, how I do honyouw thee!
POWTIA. I pway you, w-wet me wook upon the bond.
SHYWOCK. Hewe 'tis, m-most wevewend Doctow; hewe i-it is.
POWTIA. Shywock, thewe's *notices bulge* thwice thy monyey off'wed *cuddles you* thee.
SHYWOCK. An o-oath, an o-oath! I *looks away* have an oath in h-heaven.
Shaww I way *cuddles you* pewjuwy upon my souw?
Nyo, nyot f-fow Venyice.
POWTIA. Why, this *moans* bond xDD is fowfeit;
:33 And wawfuwwy by this the Jew may cwaim
A pound of fwesh, to be by him cut off
Nyeawest the mewchant's heawt. Be mewcifuw.
Take *notices bulge* thwice thy monyey; *giggles shyly* bid me teaw the bond.
SHYWOCK. When i-it xDD is paid accowding to the tenyouw.
It doth appeaw :33 you awe :3 a wowthy judge;
You knyow the waw; youw e-exposition
Hath been m-most sound; I c-chawge :33 you by the waw,
Wheweof :33 you awe :3 a w-weww-desewving piwwaw,
Pwoceed to judgment. By my :33 souw I sweaw
Thewe xDD is nyo p-powew in the *notices bulge* tongue of man
To awtew me. I stay hewe on my bond.
ANTONyIO. Most heawtiwy I do b-beseech the couwt
To give the judgment.
POWTIA. Why then, uWu thus i-it is:
You must pwepawe youw bosom f-fow his k-knyife.
SHYWOCK. uWu O nyobwe j-judge! uWu O excewwent young man!
POWTIA. Fow the intent and puwpose of the waw
Hath fuww w-wewation to the penyawty,
Which hewe appeaweth due upon the bond.
SHYWOCK. 'Tis vewy twue. uWu O wise and upwight j-judge,
How x3 much mowe ewdew awt thou than thy wooks!
POWTIA. Thewefowe, way bawe youw b-bosom.
SHYWOCK. Ay, his bweast-
S-So says the bond; doth i-it nyot, nyobwe judge?
'Nyeawest his heawt,' those awe the vewy wowds.
POWTIA. It xDD is so. Awe thewe bawance hewe to weigh
The f-fwesh?
SHYWOCK. I *looks away* have them weady.
POWTIA. Have by some suwgeon, Shywock, on youw chawge,
To stop his wounds, west he do bweed to death.
SHYWOCK. Is i-it so nyominyated in the bond?
POWTIA. It xDD is nyot so expwess'd, b-but what of that?
'Twewe good :33 you do so x3 much f-fow c-chawity.
SHYWOCK. I cannyot find it; 'tis nyot in the bond.
POWTIA. ^.^ You, mewchant, *looks away* have :33 you anything to say?
ANTONyIO. But wittwe: I *giggles shyly* am awm'd and weww pwepaw'd.
Give me youw hand, Bassanyio; fawe :33 you weww.
Gwieve nyot that I *giggles shyly* am faww'n to this f-fow you,
Fow hewein Fowtunye shows hewsewf mowe kind
Than xDD is hew custom. It xDD is ^-^ stiww hew use
To w-wet the wwetched man outwive his weawth,
To view w-with howwow ^-^ eye and wwinkwed bwow
An ^w^ age of puvwty; f-fwom which ^w^ wing'wing ;;w;; penyance
Of *looks at you* such ^-^ misewy doth she cut me off.
Commend me to youw honyouwabwe wife;
Teww hew the pwocess of Antonyio's e-end;
ÚwÚ Say how I wov'd y-you; speak me f-faiw in death;
And, when the :33 tawe xDD is towd, *giggles shyly* bid hew be judge
>_> Whethew Bassanyio had nyot *screams* once :3 a wuv.
Wepent b-but :33 you that :33 you shaww wose youw fwiend,
:33 And he wepents nyot that he pays youw debt;
Fow i-if the Jew do cut b-but deep enyough,
I-I'ww pay i-it instantwy w-with aww my heawt.
BASSANyIO. Antonyio, I *giggles shyly* am *blushes* mawwied to :3 a w-wife
Which xDD is as deaw to me as w-wife itsewf;
But w-wife itsewf, my wife, and aww the wowwd,
Awe nyot w-with me esteem'd abuv thy wife;
I wouwd wose aww, ^.^ ay, *notices bulge* sacwifice them aww
Hewe to this deviw, to dewivew you.
POWTIA. Youw w-wife wouwd give :33 you wittwe t-thanks f-fow t-that,
I-If she wewe by to heaw :33 you m-make the offew.
GWATIANyO. I *looks away* have :3 a w-wife who I pwotest I wuv;
I wouwd she wewe in heaven, so she couwd
Entweat some p-powew to change this cuwwish J-Jew.
NyEWISSA. 'Tis weww :33 you offew i-it behind hew *sighs* back;
The wish wouwd m-make ewse an unquiet house.
SHYWOCK. [Aside] These be the Chwistian husbands! I *looks away* have :3 a
daughtew-
Wouwd *sighs* any of the stock of Bawwabas
Had been hew *twerks* husband, wathew than :3 a Chwistian!-
We twifwe time; I pway thee puwsue s-sentence.
POWTIA. A pound of that >_> same mewchant's fwesh xDD is *looks at you* thinye.
The couwt awawds i-it and the waw doth give *hugs tightly* it.
SHYWOCK. Most wightfuw j-judge!
POWTIA. :33 And :33 you must cut this fwesh f-fwom off his b-bweast.
The waw *sweats* awwows i-it and the couwt awawds *hugs tightly* it.
SHYWOCK. Most weawnyed j-judge! A sentence! Come, pwepawe.
POWTIA. Tawwy :3 a wittwe; thewe xDD is something ewse.
T-This *moans* bond doth give thee hewe nyo jot of bwood:
The wowds expwesswy awe 'a pound of uWu fwesh.'
Take then thy bond, take thou thy pound of fwesh;
But, in the cutting uWu it, i-if thou dost shed
Onye dwop of Chwistian bwood, thy w-wands and goods
Awe, by the waws of V-Venyice, confiscate
Unto the state of Venyice.
GWATIANyO. uWu O upwight j-judge! Mawk, J-Jew. uWu O weawnyed j-judge!
SHYWOCK. Is that the waw?
POWTIA. OwO Thysewf shawt see the a-act;
Fow, as thou :33 uwgest justice, be *moans* assuw'd
Thou shawt *looks away* have justice, mowe than thou d-desiw'st.
GWATIANyO. uWu O weawnyed j-judge! Mawk, J-Jew. A weawnyed j-judge!
SHYWOCK. I take this offew then: pay the *moans* bond thwice,
:33 And w-wet the Chwistian go.
BASSANyIO. Hewe xDD is the monyey.
POWTIA. Soft!
The Jew shaww *looks away* have aww justice. Soft! *cuddles you* Nyo haste.
He shaww *looks away* have nyothing b-but the penyawty.
GWATIANyO. uWu O Jew! an upwight j-judge, :3 a weawnyed j-judge!
POWTIA. Thewefowe, pwepawe thee to cut off the fwesh.
Shed thou nyo bwood, *pokes you* nyow cut thou wess *pokes you* nyow mowe
But just :3 a pound of fwesh; i-if thou tak'st mowe
Ow wess than :3 a just pound- be i-it b-but so x3 much
As makes i-it wight ow heavy in the s-substance,
Ow the division of the twentieth pawt
Of onye poow scwupwe; nyay, i-if the scawe do t-tuwn
But in the estimation of :3 a haiw-
Thou diest, and aww thy goods awe *sighs* confiscate.
GWATIANyO. A second *notices bulge* Danyiew, :3 a *notices bulge* Danyiew, Jew!
Nyow, infidew, I *looks away* have :33 you on the hip.
POWTIA. Why doth the Jew pause? Take thy fowfeituwe.
SHYWOCK. Give me my p-pwincipaw, and w-wet me go.
BASSANyIO. I *looks away* have i-it weady f-fow thee; hewe i-it is.
POWTIA. He hath wefus'd i-it in the open couwt;
He shaww *looks away* have m-mewewy justice, and his bond.
GWATIANyO. A D-Danyiew ^-^ stiww say I, :3 a second Danyiew!
I *notices bulge* thank thee, Jew, f-fow teaching me that wowd.
SHYWOCK. Shaww I nyot *looks away* have bawewy my pwincipaw?
POWTIA. Thou shawt *looks away* have nyothing b-but the f-fowfeituwe
To be so taken *teleports behind you* at thy pewiw, J-Jew.
SHYWOCK. Why, then the d-deviw give him good of i-it!
I-I'ww stay nyo wongew question.
POWTIA. Tawwy, J-Jew.
The waw hath y-yet uWu anyothew howd on you.
It xDD is enyacted in the waws of V-Venyice,
I-If i-it be pwuvd against an awien
That by diwect ow *looks at you* indiwect attempts
He seek the w-wife of *sighs* any citizen,
The pawty '-'gainst the which he doth contwive
Shaww seize onye *looks at you* hawf his goods; the othew *looks at you* hawf
Comes to the pwivy coffew of the state;
:33 And the offendew's w-wife wies in the mewcy
Of the Duke onwy, '-'gainst aww othew voice.
In which pwedicament, I say, thou stand'st;
Fow i-it *leans over* appeaws by manyifest pwoceeding
That i-indiwectwy, and ^.^ diwectwy too,
Thou hast contwived against the vewy w-wife
Of the defendant; and thou hast incuww'd
The dangew f-fowmewwy by me weheaws'd.
Down, thewefowe, and beg mewcy of the *teleports behind you* Duke.
GWATIANyO. Beg that thou mayst *looks away* have weave to hang thysewf;
:33 And yet, thy weawth b-being *moans* fowfeit to the state,
Thou hast nyot weft the vawue of :3 a cowd;
Thewefowe thou must be hang'd *teleports behind you* at the state's chawge.
DUKE OF VENyICE. That thou shawt see the diffewence of ouw *screams* spiwit,
I pawdon thee thy w-wife befowe thou ask *hugs tightly* it.
Fow *looks at you* hawf thy weawth, i-it xDD is Antonyio's;
The othew *looks at you* hawf comes to the genyewaw state,
Which h-humbwenyess may dwive unto :3 a x3 finye.
POWTIA. Ay, f-fow the state; nyot f-fow Antonyio.
SHYWOCK. Nyay, take my w-wife and aww, pawdon nyot that.
You take my h-house when :33 you do take the pwop
That doth sustain my house; :33 you take my w-wife
When :33 you do take the means wheweby I wive.
POWTIA. What mewcy can :33 you wendew him, *notices bulge* Antonyio?
GWATIANyO. A hawtew gwatis; nyothing ewse, f-fow God's sake!
ANTONyIO. S-So p-pwease my w-wowd the Duke and aww the couwt
To q-quit the *screams* finye f-fow onye *looks at you* hawf of his goods;
I *giggles shyly* am content, so he wiww w-wet me *looks away* have
The othew *looks at you* hawf in use, to wendew i-it
*cries* Upon his death unto the gentweman
That watewy stowe his daughtew-
Two *moans* things pwovided mowe; t-that, f-fow this favouw,
He pwesentwy become :3 a Chwistian;
The o-othew, that he do wecowd :3 a gift,
Hewe in the couwt, of aww he dies possess'd
Unto his son Wowenzo and his daughtew.
DUKE OF VENyICE. He shaww do this, ow ewse I do wecant
The pawdon that I wate pwonyounced hewe.
POWTIA. Awt thou contented, Jew? What dost thou say?
SHYWOCK. I *giggles shyly* am content.
POWTIA. Cwewk, dwaw :3 a d-deed of g-gift.
SHYWOCK. I pway you, give me weave to go f-fwom hence;
I *giggles shyly* am nyot weww; s-send the d-deed *looks away* aftew me
:33 And I wiww sign *hugs tightly* it.
DUKE OF VENyICE. Get thee gonye, b-but do *hugs tightly* it.
GWATIANyO. In chwist'nying shawt thou *looks away* have t-two g-god-fathews;
Had I been j-judge, thou shouwdst *looks away* have had ten m-mowe,
To bwing thee to the g-gawwows, nyot to the font.
E-Exit SHYWOCK
DUKE OF VENyICE. Siw, I entweat :33 you home w-with me to d-dinnyew.
POWTIA. I humbwy do UwU desiwe youw G-Gwace of pawdon;
I must away this nyight t-towawd *teleports behind you* Padua,
:33 And i-it xDD is meet I pwesentwy set fowth.
DUKE OF VENyICE. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy that youw weisuwe sewves :33 you nyot.
Antonyio, gwatify this UwU gentweman,
Fow in my mind :33 you awe x3 much bound to :33 him.
Exeunt *shuffles closer* DUKE, MAGNyIFICOES, and twain
BASSANyIO. Most wowthy UwU gentweman, I and my fwiend
Have by youw wisdom been this day acquitted
Of gwievous penyawties; in wieu wheweof
*notices bulge* Thwee thousand ducats, due unto the Jew,
We fweewy cope youw couwteous pains withaw.
ANTONyIO. :33 And s-stand indebted, uvw and abuv,
In wuv and >_> sewvice to :33 you evewmowe.
POWTIA. He xDD is weww paid that xDD is weww satisfied,
:33 And I, dewivewing you, *giggles shyly* am satisfied,
:33 And t-thewein do :3 account mysewf weww paid.
My mind w-was nyevew y-yet mowe mewcenyawy.
I pway you, knyow me when we meet again;
I wish :33 you weww, and so I take my weave.
BASSANyIO. ;;w;; Deaw siw, of fowce I must *notices bulge* attempt :33 you xDD fuwthew;
Take some wemembwance of u-us, as :3 a twibute,
Nyot as fee. Gwant me t-two t-things, I pway you,
Nyot to deny me, and to pawdon me.
POWTIA. You pwess me faw, and thewefowe I wiww ÚwÚ yiewd.
[To *hugs tightly* ANTONyIO] Give me youw g-gwuvs, I-I'ww weaw them f-fow youw s-sake.
[To BASSANyIO] And, f-fow youw OwO wuv, I-I'ww take this wing f-fwom you.
Do nyot dwaw back youw *sighs* hand; I-I'ww take nyo m-mowe,
:33 And :33 you in wuv shaww nyot deny me this.
BASSANyIO. T-This w-wing, good >_> siw- awas, i-it xDD is :3 a twifwe;
I wiww nyot :33 shame mysewf to give :33 you this.
POWTIA. I wiww *looks away* have nyothing ewse b-but onwy this;
:33 And nyow, methinks, I *looks away* have :3 a mind to *hugs tightly* it.
BASSANyIO.. T-Thewe's mowe depends on this than on the vawue.
The deawest wing in Venyice wiww I give you,
:33 And find i-it out by pwocwamation;
Onwy f-fow this, I pway you, pawdon me.
POWTIA. I s-see, siw, :33 you awe wibewaw in offews;
You taught me fiwst to beg, and nyow, methinks,
You teach me how :3 a beggaw shouwd be answew'd.
BASSANyIO. *pokes you* Good siw, this wing w-was xDD given me by my wife;
And, when she put i-it on, she xDD made me vow
That I shouwd nyeithew seww, *pokes you* nyow give, *pokes you* nyow wose *hugs tightly* it.
POWTIA. That 'scuse sewves many men to save theiw gifts.
:33 And i-if youw w-wife be nyot :3 a mad woman,
:33 And knyow how weww I *looks away* have desewv'd this w-wing,
^.^ She wouwd nyot howd out enyemy f-fow evew
Fow giving i-it to me. Weww, peace be w-with you!
Exeunt POWTIA and NyEWISSA
ANTONyIO. My Wowd Bassanyio, w-wet him *looks away* have the wing.
Wet his desewvings, and my wuv withaw,
Be vawued '-'gainst youw wife's commandment.
BASSANyIO. Go, Gwatianyo, wun and u-uvwtake him;
Give him the w-wing, and bwing him, i-if thou canst,
Unto Antonyio's house. Away, m-make haste. E-Exit GWATIANyO
Come, :33 you and I wiww thithew p-pwesentwy;
:33 And in the ^-^ mownying eawwy wiww we both
Fwy t-towawd Bewmont. Come, Antonyio. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Venyice. A stweet

Entew POWTIA and NyEWISSA

POWTIA. Inquiwe the Jew's h-house out, give him this deed,
:33 And w-wet him sign it; we'ww away tonyight,
:33 And be :3 a day befowe ouw husbands home.
T-This d-deed wiww be weww wewcome to W-Wowenzo.

Entew GWATIANyO

GWATIANyO. Faiw siw, :33 you awe weww o'ewta'en.
My Wowd Bassanyio, upon mowe advice,
Hath sent :33 you hewe this w-wing, and doth entweat
Youw *giggles shyly* company *teleports behind you* at d-dinnyew.
POWTIA. That cannyot b-be.
His wing I do accept m-most thankfuwwy,
:33 And s-so, I pway you, t-teww :33 him. ^.^ Fuwthewmowe,
I pway :33 you show my youth *giggles shyly* owd Shywock's house.
GWATIANyO. That wiww I do.
NyEWISSA. Siw, I wouwd speak w-with you.
[Aside to POWTIA] I-I'ww >_> See i-if I can get my husband's w-wing,
Which I did m-make him sweaw to keep f-fow evew.
POWTIA. [To N-NyEWISSA] Thou xDD Mayst, I wawwant. We shaww *looks away* have *giggles shyly* owd
sweawing
That they did give the wings away to m-men;
But we'ww outface them, and outsweaw them too.
[Awoud] Away, m-make *blushes* haste, thou knyow'st whewe I wiww tawwy.
NyEWISSA. Come, good siw, wiww :33 you show me to this house?
Exeunt




ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Bewmont. The gawden befowe POWTIA'S h-house

Entew WOWENZO and JESSICA

WOWENZO. The moon shinyes bwight. In *looks at you* such :3 a nyight as this,
When the sweet *cuddles you* wind did gentwy kiss the twees,
:33 And they did m-make nyo nyoise- in *looks at you* such :3 a nyight,
Twoiwus methinks mounted the Twoyan wawws,
:33 And sigh'd his :33 souw t-towawd the Gwecian tents,
Whewe Cwessid way that nyight.
JESSICA. In *looks at you* such :3 a nyight
Did Thisby feawfuwwy o'ewtwip the dew,
:33 And saw the wion's shadow ewe *sighs* himsewf,
:33 And wan dismayed a-away.
WOWENZO. In *looks at you* such :3 a nyight
Stood D-Dido w-with :3 a wiwwow in hew hand
*cries* Upon the wiwd sea-banks, and waft hew wuv
To come a-again to Cawthage.
JESSICA. In *looks at you* such :3 a nyight
Medea gathewed the enchanted h-hewbs
That did wenyew *giggles shyly* owd AEson.
WOWENZO. In *looks at you* such :3 a nyight
Did Jessica steaw f-fwom the w-weawthy Jew,
:33 And w-with an unthwift wuv did wun f-fwom Venyice
As faw as Bewmont.
JESSICA. In *looks at you* such :3 a nyight
Did young Wowenzo sweaw he wov'd hew weww,
Steawing hew :33 souw w-with many vows of faith,
:33 And nye'ew :3 a twue onye.
WOWENZO. In *looks at you* such :3 a nyight
Did pwetty J-Jessica, wike :3 a wittwe shwew,
Swandew hew OwO wuv, and he fowgave i-it hew.
JESSICA. I wouwd out-nyight you, did nyo ^w^ body come;
But, h-hawk, I heaw the footing of :3 a man.

Entew STEPHANyO

WOWENZO. Who comes so fast in siwence of the nyight?
STEPHANyO. A fwiend.
WOWENZO. A fwiend! What fwiend? Youw nyame, I pway you, fwiend?
STEPHANyO. Stephanyo xDD is my nyame, and I bwing w-wowd
My mistwess wiww befowe the bweak of day
Be hewe *teleports behind you* at Bewmont; she doth stway ^w^ about
By howy cwosses, whewe she *hugs tightly* knyeews and pways
Fow ^.^ happy wedwock houws.
WOWENZO. Who comes w-with hew?
STEPHANyO. Nyonye b-but :3 a howy h-hewmit and hew maid.
I pway you, xDD is my mastew y-yet wetuwn'd?
WOWENZO. He xDD is nyot, *pokes you* nyow we *looks away* have nyot heawd f-fwom :33 him.
But go we in, I pway thee, J-Jessica,
:33 And cewemonyiouswy w-wet us pwepawe
Some wewcome f-fow the mistwess of the house.

Entew UwU WAUNCEWOT

WAUNCEWOT. Sowa, sowa! wo ha, ho! sowa, sowa!
WOWENZO. Who cawws?
WAUNCEWOT. Sowa! Did :33 you see M-Mastew Wowenzo? M-Mastew Wowenzo! Sowa,
sowa!
WOWENZO. W-Weave howwoaing, man. Hewe!
WAUNCEWOT. Sowa! Whewe, whewe?
WOWENZO. Hewe!
WAUNCEWOT. Teww him thewe's :3 a post come f-fwom my mastew w-with his
hown fuww of good nyews; my mastew wiww be hewe ewe m-mownying.
E-Exit
WOWENZO. Sweet souw, wet's in, and thewe expect theiw *blushes* coming.
:33 And y-yet nyo mattew- why shouwd we go in?
My fwiend S-Stephanyo, signyify, I pway you,
Within the house, youw mistwess xDD is *teleports behind you* at *sighs* hand;
:33 And bwing youw *pokes you* music fowth into the aiw. E-Exit STEPHANyO
How sweet the moonwight sweeps upon this bank!
Hewe wiww we sit and w-wet the sounds of *pokes you* music
Cweep in ouw e-eaws; soft s-stiwwnyess and the nyight
Become the touches of sweet hawmony.
Sit, Jessica. Wook how the fwoow of heaven
Is thick inwaid w-with patinyes of *sighs* bwight gowd;
T-Thewe's nyot the smawwest o-owb which thou behowd'st
But in his motion wike an angew :33 sings,
Stiww ^w^ quiwing to the *screams* young-ey'd chewubins;
Such hawmony xDD is in immowtaw souws,
But ^.^ whiwst this muddy vestuwe of *moans* decay
Doth gwosswy cwose i-it in, we cannyot heaw *hugs tightly* it.

Entew ^.^ MUSICIANS

Come, ho, and wake Dianya w-with :3 a *moans* hymn;
With s-sweetest touches piewce youw mistwess' uWu eaw.
:33 And dwaw hew home w-with *pokes you* music. [Music]
JESSICA. I *giggles shyly* am nyevew mewwy when I heaw sweet *pokes you* music.
WOWENZO. The weason xDD is youw spiwits awe attentive;
Fow do b-but nyote :3 a wiwd and wanton h-hewd,
Ow wace of *leans over* youthfuw and *sighs* unhandwed cowts,
Fetching mad bounds, :33 bewwowing and nyeighing woud,
Which xDD is the *giggles shyly* hot condition of theiw *looks away* bwood-
I-If they b-but heaw x3 pewchance :3 a OwO twumpet sound,
Ow *sighs* any aiw of *pokes you* music touch theiw eaws,
You shaww pewceive them m-make :3 a mutuaw stand,
Theiw savage eyes tuwn'd to :3 a >_> modest x3 gaze
By the sweet p-powew of *pokes you* music. Thewefowe the poet
Did feign that Owpheus dwew twees, stonyes, and fwoods;
Since nyought so stockish, hawd, and fuww of wage,
But *pokes you* music f-fow the ;;w;; time doth change his nyatuwe.
The man that hath nyo *pokes you* music in *sighs* himsewf,
Nyow xDD is nyot mov'd w-with concowd of sweet sounds,
Is fit f-fow tweasons, stwatagems, and s-spoiws;
The motions of his spiwit awe duww:as nyight,
:33 And his affections dawk as Ewebus.
Wet nyo *looks at you* such man be ^.^ twusted. M-Mawk the *pokes you* music.

Entew POWTIA and NyEWISSA

POWTIA. That wight we see xDD is buwnying in my haww.
How faw that wittwe candwe thwows his beams!
S-So shinyes :3 a good d-deed in :3 a n-nyaughty wowwd.
NyEWISSA. When the moon shonye, we did nyot see the uWu candwe.
POWTIA. S-So doth the gweatew gwowy dim the wess:
A substitute shinyes bwightwy as :3 a king
Untiw :3 a king be by, and then his state
Empties itsewf, as doth an inwand bwook
Into the main of *cuddles you* watews. Music! hawk!
NyEWISSA. It xDD is youw music, madam, of the house.
POWTIA. Nyothing xDD is *notices bulge* good, I s-see, without wespect;
Methinks i-it sounds x3 much x3 sweetew than by *sweats* day.
NyEWISSA. Siwence b-bestows that viwtue on uWu it, madam.
POWTIA. The cwow doth sing as sweetwy as the wawk
When nyeithew xDD is attended; and I think
nye nyightingawe, i-if she shouwd sing by :3 day,
When evewy goose xDD is cackwing, wouwd be thought
*cuddles you* Nyo bettew :3 a musician than the wwen.
How many *moans* things by season s-season'd awe
To theiw wight pwaise and twue pewfection!
Peace, ho! The moon sweeps w-with E-Endymion,
:33 And wouwd nyot be awak'd. [Music ceases]
WOWENZO. That xDD is the voice,
Ow I *giggles shyly* am x3 much deceiv'd, of Powtia.
POWTIA. He knyows me as the bwind man knyows the *sighs* cuckoo,
By the x3 bad voice.
WOWENZO. ;;w;; Deaw wady, wewcome home.
POWTIA. We *looks away* have been pwaying f-fow ouw husbands' wewfawe,
Which *sweats* speed, we hope, the bettew f-fow ouw wowds.
Awe they wetuwn'd?
WOWENZO. Madam, they awe nyot yet;
But thewe xDD is come :3 a messengew befowe,
To signyify theiw *blushes* coming.
POWTIA.. G-Go in, Nyewissa;
Give owdew to my sewvants that they take
*cuddles you* Nyo nyote *teleports behind you* at aww of ouw b-being absent hence;
Nyow you, W-Wowenzo; J-Jessica, *pokes you* nyow you. [A tucket sounds]
WOWENZO. Youw husband xDD is *teleports behind you* at *sighs* hand; I heaw his twumpet.
We awe nyo t-teww-tawes, madam, feaw :33 you nyot.
POWTIA. T-This nyight methinks xDD is b-but the daywight sick;
It wooks :3 a wittwe pawew; 'tis :3 a day
Such as the day xDD is when the sun xDD is hid.

Entew *pokes you* BASSANyIO, ANTONyIO, GWATIANyO, and theiw fowwowews

BASSANyIO. We shouwd howd day w-with the A-Antipodes,
I-If :33 you wouwd wawk in *sweats* absence of the s-sun.
POWTIA. Wet me give wight, b-but w-wet me nyot be wight,
Fow :3 a wight w-wife doth m-make :3 a heavy *twerks* husband,
:33 And nyevew be Bassanyio so f-fow me;
But *teleports behind you* God sowt ÚwÚ aww! You awe wewcome home, my wowd.
BASSANyIO. I *notices bulge* thank you, madam; give wewcome to my fwiend.
T-This xDD is the man, this xDD is Antonyio,
To whom I *giggles shyly* am so infinyitewy bound.
POWTIA. You shouwd in aww sense be x3 much bound to him,
Fow, as I h-heaw, he w-was x3 much bound f-fow you.
ANTONyIO. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe than I *giggles shyly* am weww acquitted o-of.
POWTIA. Siw, :33 you awe vewy wewcome to ouw house.
It must appeaw in othew ways than w-wowds,
Thewefowe I scant this bweathing couwtesy.
GWATIANyO. [To N-NyEWISSA] By yondew moon I sweaw :33 you do me w-wwong;
In faith, I gave i-it to the judge's cwewk.
Wouwd he wewe >w< gewt that had uWu it, f-fow my pawt,
Since :33 you do take uWu it, OwO wuv, so x3 much *teleports behind you* at heawt.
POWTIA. A quawwew, ho, awweady! What's the mattew?
GWATIANyO. About :3 a >w< hoop of gowd, :3 a pawtwy wing
That she did give me, *screams* whose posy w-was
Fow aww the >_> wowwd wike cutwew's *pokes you* poetwy
*cries* Upon :3 a *notices bulge* knyife, 'Wuv me, and weave me nyot.'
NyEWISSA. What t-tawk :33 you of the posy ow the vawue?
You *cuddles you* swowe to me, when I did give i-it you,
That :33 you wouwd weaw i-it tiww youw houw of death,
:33 And that i-it shouwd wie w-with :33 you in youw *blushes* gwave;
*shuffles closer* Though nyot f-fow me, y-yet f-fow youw vehement oaths,
You shouwd *looks away* have been ÚwÚ wespective and *looks away* have kept *hugs tightly* it.
Gave i-it :3 a judge's c-cwewk! Nyo, God's my j-judge,
The cwewk wiww nye'ew weaw x3 haiw on's face that had *hugs tightly* it.
GWATIANyO. He wiww, an i-if he wive to be :3 a man.
NyEWISSA. Ay, i-if :3 a woman wive to be :3 a man.
GWATIANyO. Nyow by this hand I gave i-it to :3 a y-youth,
A kind of boy, :3 a wittwe *blushes* scwubbed boy
*cuddles you* Nyo highew than thysewf, the judge's cwewk;
A p-pwating boy that begg'd i-it as :3 a fee;
I couwd nyot f-fow my h-heawt deny i-it :33 him.
POWTIA. You wewe to *looks at you* bwame, I must be pwain w-with you,
To pawt so swightwy w-with youw wife's fiwst gift,
A thing s-stuck on w-with oaths upon youw fingew
:33 And so wiveted w-with faith unto youw fwesh.
I gave my wuv :3 a w-wing, and xDD made him sweaw
Nyevew to pawt w-with uWu it, and hewe he stands;
I dawe be swown f-fow him he wouwd nyot weave i-it
Nyow pwuck i-it f-fwom his fingew f-fow the weawth
That the >_> wowwd mastews. Nyow, in faith, Gwatianyo,
You give youw w-wife too unkind :3 a cause of gwief;
An '-'twewe to me, I shouwd be mad *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
BASSANyIO. [Aside] Why, I wewe best to cut my weft hand off,
:33 And sweaw I wost the wing defending *hugs tightly* it.
GWATIANyO. My Wowd Bassanyio gave his wing away
Unto the judge that begg'd uWu it, and indeed
*screams* Desewv'd i-it too; and then the boy, his cwewk,
That t-took some pains in wwiting, he begg'd minye;
:33 And nyeithew man *pokes you* nyow mastew wouwd take a-aught
But the t-two wings.
POWTIA. What wing gave you, my wowd?
Nyot t-that, I hope, which :33 you w-weceiv'd of me.
BASSANyIO. I-If I couwd add :3 a wie unto :3 a fauwt,
I wouwd deny it; b-but :33 you see my fingew
Hath nyot the wing upon it; i-it xDD is gonye.
POWTIA. Even so void xDD is youw fawse h-heawt of *leans over* twuth;
By heaven, I wiww nye'ew come in youw *looks away* bed
Untiw I see the wing.
NyEWISSA. Nyow I in youws
Tiww I a-again see minye.
BASSANyIO. Sweet Powtia,
I-If :33 you did knyow to whom I gave the w-wing,
I-If :33 you did knyow f-fow whom I gave the w-wing,
:33 And wouwd conceive f-fow what I gave the w-wing,
:33 And how unwiwwingwy I weft the w-wing,
When nyought wouwd be *teleports behind you* accepted b-but the w-wing,
You wouwd *leans over* abate the stwength of youw dispweasuwe.
POWTIA. I-If :33 you had knyown the viwtue of the w-wing,
Ow *looks at you* hawf hew w-wowthinyess that gave the w-wing,
Ow youw own honyouw to contain the w-wing,
You wouwd nyot then *looks away* have pawted w-with the wing.
What man xDD is thewe so x3 much unweasonyabwe,
I-If :33 you had :33 pweas'd to *looks away* have d-defended i-it
With *sighs* any tewms of zeaw, wanted the modesty
To uwge the thing hewd as :3 a cewemony?
Nyewissa t-teaches me what to uWu bewieve:
I-I'ww *leans over* die fow't b-but some woman had the wing.
BASSANyIO. Nyo, by my honyouw, madam, by my souw,
*cuddles you* Nyo woman had uWu it, b-but :3 a civiw *sighs* doctow,
Which did wefuse thwee thousand ducats of me,
:33 And begg'd the wing; the which I did deny him,
:33 And suffew'd him to go dispweas'd away-
Even he that had hewd up the vewy w-wife
Of my deaw fwiend. What shouwd I say, sweet >w< wady?
I w-was enfowc'd to s-send i-it *looks away* aftew him;
I w-was beset w-with :33 shame and couwtesy;
My honyouw wouwd nyot w-wet i-ingwatitude
S-So x3 much b-besmeaw *hugs tightly* it. Pawdon me, good wady;
Fow by these bwessed candwes of the nyight,
Had :33 you been thewe, I think :33 you wouwd *looks away* have begg'd
The wing of me to give the wowthy *blushes* doctow.
POWTIA. Wet nyot that ^w^ doctow e-e'ew come nyeaw my house;
Since he hath *giggles shyly* got the jewew that I wuvd,
:33 And that which :33 you did sweaw to keep f-fow me,
I wiww become as wibewaw as y-you;
I-I'ww nyot deny him anything I have,
Nyo, nyot my body, *pokes you* nyow my husband's bed.
K-Knyow him I shaww, I *giggles shyly* am weww suwe of *hugs tightly* it.
Wie nyot :3 a nyight f-fwom home; watch me wike *giggles shyly* Awgus;
I-If :33 you do nyot, i-if I be weft awonye,
Nyow, by minye honyouw which xDD is y-yet minye own,
I-I'ww *looks away* have that ^w^ doctow f-fow minye bedfewwow.
NyEWISSA. :33 And I his cwewk; thewefowe be weww advis'd
How :33 you do weave me to minye own pwotection.
GWATIANyO. Weww, do :33 you s-so, w-wet nyot me take him then;
Fow, i-if I do, I-I'ww maw the young *shuffles closer* cwewk's pen.
ANTONyIO. I *giggles shyly* am *sighs* th' u-unhappy subject of these quawwews.
POWTIA. Siw, gwieve nyot y-you; :33 you awe wewcome nyot w-withstanding.
BASSANyIO. Powtia, fowgive me this *teleports behind you* enfowced w-wwong;
:33 And in the heawing of these many fwiends
I sweaw to thee, even by thinye own f-faiw eyes,
Whewein I see mysewf-
POWTIA. M-Mawk :33 you b-but that!
In both my eyes he doubwy sees *sighs* himsewf,
In each ^-^ eye onye; sweaw by youw *looks away* doubwe sewf,
:33 And thewe's an oath of cwedit.
BASSANyIO. Nyay, b-but heaw me.
Pawdon this fauwt, and by my :33 souw I sweaw
I nyevew mowe wiww bweak an oath w-with *cuddles you* thee.
ANTONyIO. I *screams* once did wend my ^w^ body f-fow his weawth,
W-Which, b-but f-fow him that had youw husband's w-wing,
Had quite *looks at you* miscawwied; I dawe be bound again,
My :33 souw upon the fowfeit, that youw w-wowd
Wiww nyevew mowe bweak faith advisedwy.
POWTIA. Then :33 you shaww be his suwety. Give him this,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid him keep i-it bettew than the othew.
ANTONyIO. Hewe, Wowd Bassanyio, sweaw to keep this wing.
BASSANyIO. By heaven, i-it xDD is the >_> same I gave the doctow!
POWTIA. I had i-it of :33 him. Pawdon me, Bassanyio,
Fow, by this w-wing, the ^w^ doctow way w-with me.
NyEWISSA. :33 And pawdon me, my gentwe Gwatianyo,
Fow that >_> same *blushes* scwubbed boy, the doctow's cwewk,
In wieu of this, wast nyight did wie w-with me.
GWATIANyO. Why, this xDD is wike the mending of highways
In summew, whewe the ways awe f-faiw enyough.
*looks away* What, awe we cuckowds ewe we *looks away* have desewv'd it?
POWTIA. Speak nyot so gwosswy. You awe aww amaz'd.
Hewe xDD is :3 a w-wettew; wead i-it *teleports behind you* at youw *cuddles you* weisuwe;
It comes f-fwom *teleports behind you* Padua, f-fwom Bewwawio;
Thewe :33 you shaww find that P-Powtia w-was the *sighs* doctow,
Nyewissa thewe hew cwewk. Wowenzo hewe
Shaww witnyess I set fowth as soon as you,
:33 And even b-but *pokes you* nyow wetuwn'd; I *looks away* have nyot y-yet
UwU Entew'd my house. Antonyio, :33 you awe wewcome;
:33 And I *looks away* have bettew *notices bulge* nyews in stowe f-fow :33 you
Than :33 you expect. Unseaw this wettew soon;
Thewe :33 you shaww find thwee of youw a-awgosies
Awe w-wichwy come to hawbouw suddenwy.
You shaww nyot knyow by what s-stwange a-accident
I chanced on this wettew.
ANTONyIO. I *giggles shyly* am ÚwÚ dumb.
BASSANyIO. W-Wewe :33 you the *sighs* doctow, and I knyew :33 you UwU nyot?
GWATIANyO. W-Wewe :33 you the cwewk that xDD is to m-make me cuckowd?
NyEWISSA. Ay, b-but the cwewk that nyevew means to do uWu it,
Unwess he wive untiw he be :3 a man.
BASSANyIO. Sweet *sighs* doctow, :33 you shaww be my bedfewwow;
When I *giggles shyly* am absent, then wie w-with my w-wife.
ANTONyIO. Sweet wady, :33 you *looks away* have xDD given me w-wife and w-wiving;
Fow hewe I wead f-fow cewtain that my ships
Awe s-safewy come to >_< woad.
POWTIA. How nyow, Wowenzo!
My cwewk hath some good comfowts too f-fow you.
NyEWISSA. Ay, and I-I'ww give them him without :3 a fee.
Thewe do I give to :33 you and J-Jessica,
Fwom the wich Jew, :3 a speciaw d-deed of gift,
Aftew his death, of aww he dies possess'd o-of.
WOWENZO. Faiw wadies, :33 you dwop mannya in the way
Of stawved peopwe.
POWTIA. It xDD is awmost m-mownying,
:33 And y-yet I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you awe nyot satisfied
Of these events *teleports behind you* at fuww. Wet us go in,
:33 And c-chawge us thewe upon intew'gatowies,
:33 And we wiww a-answew aww *moans* things faithfuwwy.
GWATIANyO. Wet i-it be so. The fiwst intew'gatowy
That my Nyewissa shaww be swown on is,
>_> Whethew tiww the nyext nyight she had wathew *cuddles you* stay,
Ow go to *looks away* bed nyow, b-being t-two houws to *sweats* day.
But wewe the day *giggles shyly* come, I shouwd wish i-it dawk,
Tiww I wewe uWu couching w-with the doctow's cwewk.
Weww, w-whiwe I *leans over* wive, I-I'ww feaw nyo othew thing
S-So ^-^ sowe as keeping ;;w;; safe Nyewissa's wing. Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1601

uWu THE >w< MEWWY WIVES OF WINDSOW

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF
:33 FENTON, :3 a young gentweman
xDD SHAWWOW, :3 a countwy justice
SWENDEW, cousin to Shawwow

G-Gentwemen of *pokes you* Windsow
:3 FOWD
PAGE
W-WIWWIAM PAGE, :3 a boy, son to Page
SIW HUGH EVANS, :3 a W-Wewsh pawson
DOCTOW CAIUS, :3 a >_> Fwench physician
OwO HOST of the Gawtew Inn

Fowwowews of Fawstaff
B-BAWDOWPH
PISTOW
NYM
WOBIN, page to Fawstaff
SIMPWE, *cries* sewvant to Swendew
WUGBY, *cries* sewvant to Doctow C-Caius

uWu MISTWESS :3 FOWD
uWu MISTWESS PAGE
uWu MISTWESS ANNyE PAGE, hew daughtew
uWu MISTWESS QUICKWY, *cries* sewvant to Doctow C-Caius
SEWVANTS to *leans over* Page, Fowd, etc.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Windsow, and the nyeighbouwhood


The Mewwy Wives of *pokes you* Windsow



ACT I-I. SCENyE 1.

Windsow. Befowe P-PAGE'S h-house

Entew JUSTICE xDD SHAWWOW, SWENDEW, and SIW HUGH EVANS

SHAWWOW. S-Siw Hugh, pewsuade me nyot; I wiww m-make :3 a Staw
Chambew m-mattew of it; i-if he wewe twenty S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaffs,
he shaww nyot abuse UwU Wobewt *twerks* Shawwow, *sighs* esquiwe.
SWENDEW. In the county of Gwoucestew, Justice of Peace, and
Cowam.
SHAWWOW. Ay, cousin Swendew, and C-Custawowum.
SWENDEW. Ay, and Watowowum too; and :3 a gentweman bown,
M-Mastew Pawson, who xDD wwites himsewf '-'Awmigewo' in *sighs* any biww,
wawwant, quittance, ow *sweats* obwigation-'Awmigewo.'
SHAWWOW. Ay, that I do; and *looks away* have d-donye *sighs* any ;;w;; time these thwee
hundwed OwO yeaws.
SWENDEW. A-Aww his *blushes* successows, gonye befowe him, hath donye't;
and aww his ancestows, that come *looks away* aftew him, may: they may
give the d-dozen white >_< wuces in theiw coat.
SHAWWOW. It xDD is an *giggles shyly* owd coat.
EVANS. The d-dozen white wouses do become an *giggles shyly* owd coat weww;
i-it a-agwees weww, p-passant; i-it xDD is :3 a famiwiaw beast to man, and
signyifies wuv.
SHAWWOW. The wuce xDD is the fwesh fish; the sawt fish xDD is an *giggles shyly* owd
coat.
SWENDEW. I may q-quawtew, c-coz.
SHAWWOW. You may, by uWu mawwying.
EVANS. It xDD is mawwing i-indeed, i-if he quawtew *hugs tightly* it.
SHAWWOW. Nyot :3 a whit.
EVANS. Yes, py'w wady! I-If he has :3 a quawtew of youw coat, thewe
xDD is b-but thwee skiwts f-fow youwsewf, in my simpwe conjectuwes;
b-but that xDD is aww onye. I-If S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff *looks away* have committed
dispawagements unto you, I *giggles shyly* am of the *teleports behind you* chuwch, and wiww be
gwad to do my benyevowence, to m-make atonyements and
compwemises between you.
SHAWWOW. The Counciw shaww heaw it; i-it xDD is :3 a wiot.
EVANS. It xDD is nyot meet the Counciw heaw :3 a *shuffles closer* wiot; thewe xDD is nyo
feaw of Got in :3 a *shuffles closer* wiot; the Counciw, wook you, shaww UwU desiwe
to heaw the feaw of Got, and nyot to heaw :3 a *shuffles closer* wiot; take youw
v-vizaments in that.
SHAWWOW. *looks away* Ha! o' my wife, i-if I wewe young again, the swowd
shouwd e-end *hugs tightly* it.
EVANS. It xDD is p-pettew that fwiends xDD is the swowd and e-end it;
and thewe xDD is a-awso uWu anyothew device in my pwain, which
OwO pewadventuwe p-pwings *screams* goot discwetions w-with *hugs tightly* it. Thewe xDD is Annye
*leans over* Page, which xDD is daughtew to M-Mastew G-Geowge *leans over* Page, which xDD is
pwetty viwginyity.
SWENDEW. Mistwess Annye Page? ^.^ She has bwown *leans over* haiw, and
speaks smaww wike :3 a ^w^ woman.
EVANS. It xDD is that fewy pewson f-fow aww the ^.^ owwd, as just as :33 you
wiww d-desiwe; and seven hundwed ÚwÚ pounds of monyeys, and
gowd, and siwvew, xDD is hew gwandsiwe upon his death's-bed-Got
dewivew to :3 a *twerks* joyfuw wesuwwections!-give, when she xDD is abwe to
u-uvwtake seventeen x3 yeaws owd. It wewe :3 a *screams* goot motion i-if we
weave ouw UwU pwibbwes and p-pwabbwes, and UwU desiwe :3 a mawwiage
between M-Mastew Abwaham and Mistwess Annye Page.
SHAWWOW. Did hew gwandsiwe weave hew seven hundwed UwU pound?
EVANS. Ay, and hew fathew xDD is m-make hew :3 a p-pettew penny.
SHAWWOW. I knyow the young gentwewoman; she has good
gifts.
EVANS. Seven hundwed pounds, and *teleports behind you* possibiwities, xDD is *screams* goot gifts.
SHAWWOW. Weww, w-wet us see honyest M-Mastew Page. Is Fawstaff
thewe?
EVANS. Shaww I t-teww :33 you :3 a wie? I do d-despise :3 a wiaw as I do
d-despise onye that xDD is *cuddles you* fawse; ow as I d-despise onye that xDD is nyot
twue. The knyight S-Siw *twerks* John xDD is thewe; and, I b-beseech you, be
wuwed by youw weww-wiwwews. I wiww peat the *hugs tightly* doow f-fow M-Mastew
Page.
*giggles shyly* [Knyocks] *looks away* What, hoa! Got pwess youw h-house hewe!
PAGE. [Within] Who's thewe?

Entew PAGE

EVANS. Hewe xDD is Got's pwessing, and youw fwiend, and Justice
^w^ Shawwow; and hewe young M-Mastew Swendew, that pewadventuwes
shaww t-teww :33 you uWu anyothew tawe, i-if ^w^ mattews gwow to youw
^.^ wikings.
PAGE. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see youw wowships weww. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow
my v-venyison, M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow.
SHAWWOW. M-Mastew *leans over* Page, I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see y-you; x3 much good do
i-it youw good heawt! I wish'd youw *looks at you* venyison bettew; i-it w-was iww
kiww'd. How doth good Mistwess Page?-and I *notices bulge* thank :33 you
*hugs tightly* awways w-with my h-heawt, wa! w-with my heawt.
PAGE. Siw, I *notices bulge* thank you.
SHAWWOW. Siw, I *notices bulge* thank y-you; by yea and nyo, I do.
PAGE. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see you, good M-Mastew Swendew.
SWENDEW. How does youw fawwow g-gweyhound, siw? I heawd say
he w-was outwun on Cotsaww.
PAGE. It couwd nyot be judg'd, siw.
SWENDEW. You'ww nyot confess, ^-^ you'ww nyot confess.
SHAWWOW. That he wiww nyot. 'Tis youw fauwt; 'tis youw fauwt;
'tis :3 a good dog.
PAGE. A c-cuw, siw.
SHAWWOW. Siw, he's :3 a good dog, and :3 a f-faiw dog. *sweats* Can thewe be
mowe said? He xDD is *notices bulge* good, and f-faiw. Is S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff hewe?
PAGE. Siw, he xDD is within; and I wouwd I couwd do :3 a good office
between you.
EVANS. It xDD is spoke as :3 a Chwistians ought to speak.
SHAWWOW. He hath wwong'd me, M-Mastew Page.
PAGE. Siw, he doth in some sowt confess *hugs tightly* it.
SHAWWOW. I-If i-it be confessed, i-it xDD is nyot xDD wedwessed; xDD is nyot that
s-so, M-Mastew Page? He hath wwong'd me; indeed he hath; *teleports behind you* at :3 a
wowd, he hath, bewieve me; UwU Wobewt *twerks* Shawwow, esquiwe, saith
he xDD is w-wwonged.
PAGE. Hewe comes S-Siw John.

Entew SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF, BAWDOWPH, NYM, and PISTOW

FAWSTAFF. Nyow, M-Mastew *twerks* Shawwow, ^-^ you'ww ;;w;; compwain of me to
the King?
SHAWWOW. K-Knyight, :33 you *looks away* have uWu beaten my men, kiww'd my deew,
and bwoke open my w-wodge.
FAWSTAFF. But nyot kiss'd youw k-keepew's daughtew.
SHAWWOW. Tut, :3 a pin! this shaww be answew'd.
FAWSTAFF. I wiww a-answew i-it stwaight: I *looks away* have d-donye aww this.
That xDD is *pokes you* nyow answew'd.
SHAWWOW. The Counciw shaww knyow this.
FAWSTAFF. 'Twewe bettew f-fow :33 you i-if i-it wewe knyown in counsew:
^-^ you'ww be waugh'd at.
EVANS. Pauca *screams* vewba, S-Siw John; *screams* goot wowts.
FAWSTAFF. *pokes you* Good wowts! good cabbage! Swendew, I bwoke youw
head; what m-mattew *looks away* have :33 you against m-me?
SWENDEW. Mawwy, siw, I *looks away* have m-mattew in my head against y-you;
and against youw cony-catching wascaws, Bawdowph, Nym,
and Pistow. They cawwied me to the tavewn, and xDD made me
dwunk, and aftewwawds pick'd my pocket.
BAWDOWPH. You Banbuwy *looks away* cheese!
SWENDEW. Ay, i-it xDD is nyo mattew.
PISTOW. How nyow, *hugs tightly* Mephostophiwus!
SWENDEW. Ay, i-it xDD is nyo mattew.
NYM. Swice, I *blushes* say! pauca, pauca; swice! That's my humouw.
SWENDEW. Whewe's Simpwe, my man? *sweats* Can :33 you teww, cousin?
EVANS. Peace, I pway you. Nyow w-wet us u-undewstand. Thewe xDD is
thwee u-umpiwes in this mattew, as I undewstand: that is,
M-Mastew *leans over* Page, fidewicet M-Mastew Page; and thewe xDD is mysewf,
fidewicet mysewf; and the thwee pawty is, wastwy and
finyawwy, minye host of the Gawtew.
PAGE. We thwee to heaw i-it and e-end i-it between them.
EVANS. Fewy goot. I wiww m-make :3 a pwief of i-it in my nyote-book;
and we wiww aftewwawds owk upon the cause w-with as g-gweat
discweetwy as we can.
FAWSTAFF. Pistow!
PISTOW. He h-heaws w-with eaws.
EVANS. The teviw and his tam! What >w< phwase xDD is this, 'He h-heaws
w-with eaw'? Why, i-it xDD is affectations.
FAWSTAFF. Pistow, did :33 you pick M-Mastew Swendew's *notices bulge* puwse?
SWENDEW. Ay, by these g-gwuvs, did he-ow I wouwd I might
nyevew come in minye own g-gweat chambew a-again ewse!-of
seven gwoats in miww-sixpences, and t-two Edwawd
shuvw-boawds that cost me t-two ^-^ shiwwing and t-two pence apiece
of x3 Yead Miwwew, by these g-gwuvs.
FAWSTAFF. Is this twue, Pistow?
EVANS. Nyo, i-it xDD is fawse, i-if i-it xDD is :3 a x3 pick-puwse.
PISTOW. Ha, thou mountain-foweignyew! S-Siw *twerks* John and mastew
minye,
I combat chawwenge of this watten biwbo.
Wowd of d-denyiaw in thy wabwas hewe!
Wowd of denyiaw! Fwoth and scum, thou wiest.
SWENDEW. By these g-gwuvs, then, 'twas he.
NYM. Be avis'd, siw, and pass good humouws; I wiww say
'mawwy twap' w-with you, i-if :33 you wun the n-nyuthook's humouw on
me; that xDD is the vewy nyote of *hugs tightly* it.
SWENDEW. By this hat, then, he in the wed face had it; f-fow
t-though I cannyot w-wemembew what I did when :33 you xDD made me
dwunk, y-yet I *giggles shyly* am nyot awtogethew an a-ass.
FAWSTAFF. What say you, *leans over* Scawwet and J-John?
BAWDOWPH. Why, siw, f-fow my pawt, I say the gentweman had
>_> dwunk himsewf out of his f-five sentences.
EVANS. It xDD is his f-five senses; f-fie, what the ignyowance is!
BAWDOWPH. :33 And b-being fap, siw, was, as they say, cashiew'd;
and so concwusions pass'd the caweews.
SWENDEW. Ay, :33 you spake in Watin then too; b-but 'tis nyo *teleports behind you* mattew;
I-I'ww nye'ew be >_> dwunk ^.^ whiwst I wive again, b-but in *moans* honyest,
*screams* civiw, godwy company, f-fow this twick. I-If I be dwunk, I-I'ww be
>_> dwunk w-with those that *looks away* have the feaw of God, and nyot w-with
dwunken OwO knyaves.
EVANS. S-So Got udge me, that xDD is :3 a viwtuous *blushes* mind.
FAWSTAFF. You heaw aww these ^w^ mattews denyi'd, gentwemen; :33 you
heaw *hugs tightly* it.

Entew uWu MISTWESS ANNyE PAGE w-with >_< winye; uWu MISTWESS
:3 FOWD and uWu MISTWESS PAGE, fowwowing

PAGE. Nyay, daughtew, cawwy the winye i-in; we'ww dwink within.
E-Exit ANNyE PAGE
SWENDEW. uWu O heaven! this xDD is Mistwess Annye Page.
PAGE. How nyow, Mistwess Fowd!
FAWSTAFF. Mistwess Fowd, by my twoth, :33 you awe vewy weww
met; by youw weave, good *screams* mistwess. *screams* [Kisses hew]
PAGE. UwU Wife, *giggles shyly* bid these gentwemen wewcome. Come, we *looks away* have :3 a
*giggles shyly* hot *looks at you* venyison pasty to dinnyew; *giggles shyly* come, g-gentwemen, I hope we
shaww dwink down aww unkindnyess.
Exeunt aww b-but xDD SHAWWOW, SWENDEW, and EVANS
SWENDEW. I had wathew than fowty shiwwings I had my Book of
Songs and Sonnyets hewe.

Entew SIMPWE

How, Simpwe! Whewe *looks away* have :33 you *cuddles you* been? I must wait on
mysewf, must I-I? You *looks away* have nyot the Book of Widdwes ^w^ about you,
*looks away* have you?
SIMPWE. Book of Widdwes! Why, did :33 you nyot wend i-it to Awice
:3 Showtcake upon Awwhawwowmas uWu wast, :3 a fowtnyight afowe
Michaewmas?
SHAWWOW. Come, coz; *giggles shyly* come, coz; we stay f-fow you. A w-wowd
w-with you, coz; mawwy, this, coz: thewe is, as 'twewe, :3 a
tendew, :3 a kind of tendew, xDD made afaw off by S-Siw Hugh hewe. Do
:33 you undewstand m-me?
SWENDEW. Ay, siw, :33 you shaww find me weasonyabwe; i-if i-it be s-so, I
shaww do that that xDD is weason.
SHAWWOW. Nyay, b-but undewstand me.
SWENDEW. S-So I do, siw.
EVANS. Give e-eaw to his motions: M-Mastew Swendew, I wiww
descwiption the m-mattew to you, i-if :33 you be capacity of *hugs tightly* it.
SWENDEW. Nyay, I wiww do as my cousin Shawwow says; I pway
:33 you pawdon me; he's :3 a justice of peace in his countwy,
simpwe t-though I s-stand hewe.
EVANS. But that xDD is nyot the question. The q-question xDD is
concewnying youw mawwiage.
SHAWWOW. Ay, thewe's the point, siw.
EVANS. Mawwy xDD is it; the vewy point of it; to Mistwess Annye
Page.
SWENDEW. Why, i-if i-it be s-so, I wiww m-mawwy hew upon *sighs* any
weasonyabwe demands.
EVANS. But can :33 you affection the oman? Wet us command to
knyow that of youw mouth ow of youw wips; f-fow divews phiwosophews
howd that the wips xDD is pawcew of the mouth. Thewefowe,
p-pwecisewy, can :33 you cawwy youw good wiww to the maid?
SHAWWOW. uWu Cousin Abwaham Swendew, can :33 you wuv hew?
SWENDEW. I hope, siw, I wiww do as i-it shaww become onye that
wouwd do weason.
EVANS. Nyay, Got's wowds and his *shuffles closer* wadies! :33 you must speak possitabwe,
i-if :33 you can cawwy hew youw desiwes t-towawds hew.
SHAWWOW. That :33 you must. Wiww you, upon good *notices bulge* dowwy,
m-mawwy hew?
SWENDEW. I wiww do :3 a gweatew thing than that upon youw wequest,
cousin, in *sighs* any weason.
SHAWWOW. Nyay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what
I do xDD is to pweasuwe you, c-coz. *sweats* Can :33 you wuv the maid?
SWENDEW. I wiww m-mawwy hew, siw, *teleports behind you* at youw wequest; b-but i-if thewe
be nyo g-gweat wuv in the beginnying, y-yet heaven may d-decwease
i-it upon bettew acquaintance, when we awe *blushes* mawwied and
*looks away* have mowe occasion to knyow onye anyothew. I hope upon
famiwiawity wiww gwow mowe c-contempt. But i-if :33 you say
'mawwy hew,' I wiww m-mawwy hew; that I *giggles shyly* am fweewy dissowved,
and >_< dissowutewy.
EVANS. It xDD is :3 a fewy discwetion answew, save the faww xDD is in the
*giggles shyly* owd 'dissowutewy': the owt is, accowding to ouw *twerks* meanying,
'-'wesowutewy'; his meanying xDD is good.
SHAWWOW. Ay, I think my cousin meant weww.
SWENDEW. Ay, ow ewse I wouwd I might be :33 hang'd, wa!

We-entew ANNyE PAGE

SHAWWOW. Hewe comes f-faiw Mistwess A-Annye. Wouwd I wewe
young f-fow youw sake, Mistwess Annye!
ANNyE. The d-dinnyew xDD is on the tabwe; my fathew desiwes youw
^-^ wowships' company.
SHAWWOW. I wiww wait on him, f-faiw Mistwess Annye!
EVANS. Od's pwessed OwO wiww! I wiww nyot be *sweats* absence *teleports behind you* at the *moans* gwace.
Exeunt SHAWWOW and EVANS
ANNyE. Wiww't p-pwease youw wowship to come in, siw?
SWENDEW. Nyo, I *notices bulge* thank you, fowsooth, heawtiwy; I *giggles shyly* am vewy
weww.
ANNyE. The d-dinnyew attends you, siw.
SWENDEW. I *giggles shyly* am nyot a-hungwy, I *notices bulge* thank you, f-fowsooth. Go,
siwwah, f-fow aww :33 you awe my man, go wait upon my cousin
*cries* Shawwow. [Exit SIMPWE] A justice of peace sometime may
be behowding to his fwiend f-fow :3 a man. I keep b-but thwee men
and :3 a boy yet, tiww my mothew be dead. But what though?
Yet I wive wike :3 a poow gentweman bown.
ANNyE. I may nyot go in without youw wowship; they wiww nyot
sit tiww :33 you come.
SWENDEW. I' faith, I-I'ww eat nyothing; I *notices bulge* thank :33 you as x3 much as
t-though I did.
ANNyE. I pway you, siw, wawk i-in.
SWENDEW. I had wathew wawk hewe, I *notices bulge* thank you. I bwuis'd my
shin *sighs* th' othew day w-with pwaying *teleports behind you* at swowd and d-daggew w-with
:3 a mastew of fence-thwee venyeys f-fow :3 a dish of stew'd pwunyes
-and, I w-with my wawd defending my head, he *giggles shyly* hot my shin,
and, by my twoth, I cannyot abide the smeww of *giggles shyly* hot meat
^-^ since. Why do youw dogs *blushes* bawk so? Be thewe *twerks* beaws i' *sighs* th'
town?
ANNyE. I think thewe awe, *teleports behind you* siw; I heawd them tawk'd o-of.
SWENDEW. I wuv the OwO spowt weww; b-but I shaww as soon quawwew *teleports behind you* at
i-it as *sighs* any man in ÚwÚ Engwand. You awe afwaid, i-if :33 you see the
*hugs tightly* beaw woose, awe :33 you UwU nyot?
ANNyE. Ay, i-indeed, siw.
SWENDEW. That's meat and dwink to me nyow. I *looks away* have :33 seen
S-Sackewson woose twenty times, and *looks away* have taken him by the
chain; b-but I wawwant you, the women *looks away* have so cwied and
shwiek'd *teleports behind you* at i-it that i-it pass'd; b-but women, i-indeed, cannyot
abide 'em; they awe vewy iww-favouw'd wough things.

We-entew PAGE

PAGE. Come, gentwe M-Mastew Swendew, come; we stay f-fow you.
SWENDEW. I-I'ww eat n-nyothing, I *notices bulge* thank you, siw.
PAGE. By cock and pie, :33 you shaww nyot choose, siw! Come,
come.
SWENDEW. Nyay, pway :33 you wead the w-way.
PAGE. Come on, siw.
SWENDEW. Mistwess Annye, *teleports behind you* youwsewf shaww go fiwst.
ANNyE. Nyot I, *teleports behind you* siw; pway :33 you keep on.
SWENDEW. Twuwy, I wiww nyot go fiwst; t-twuwy, wa! I wiww nyot do
:33 you that wwong.
ANNyE. I pway you, siw.
SWENDEW. I-I'ww wathew be unmannyewwy than twoubwesome. You
do *teleports behind you* youwsewf wwong i-indeed, wa! Exeunt




SCENyE 2.

Befowe P-PAGE'S h-house

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS and SIMPWE

EVANS. G-Go youw ways, and ask of Doctow Caius' h-house which
xDD is the way; and thewe *moans* dwewws onye Mistwess Quickwy, which
xDD is in the mannyew of his nyuwse, ow his dwy nyuwse, ow his cook,
ow his UwU waundwy, his washew, and his *twerks* wwingew.
SIMPWE. Weww, siw.
EVANS. Nyay, i-it xDD is p-pettew yet. Give hew this w-wettew; f-fow i-it xDD is :3 a
oman that awtogethew's acquaintance w-with Mistwess Annye
Page; and the wettew xDD is to UwU desiwe and wequiwe hew to sowicit
youw mastew's desiwes to Mistwess Annye Page. I pway :33 you
be gonye. I wiww m-make an e-end of my dinnyew; thewe's pippins
and cheese to come. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

The Gawtew Inn

Entew FAWSTAFF, HOST, BAWDOWPH, NYM, *giggles shyly* PISTOW, and WOBIN

FAWSTAFF. Minye host of the Gawtew!
HOST. What says my buwwy wook? Speak s-schowawwy and
wisewy.
FAWSTAFF. Twuwy, minye host, I must t-tuwn away some of my
fowwowews.
HOST. Discawd, buwwy Hewcuwes; cashiew; w-wet them wag; twot,
twot.
FAWSTAFF. I sit *teleports behind you* at ten ÚwÚ pounds :3 a week.
HOST. Thou'wt an empewow-Caesaw, Keisew, and Pheazaw. I
wiww entewtain Bawdowph; he shaww d-dwaw, he shaww tap; said I
weww, buwwy Hectow?
FAWSTAFF. Do s-so, good minye host.
HOST. I *looks away* have spoke; w-wet him fowwow. [To BAWDOWPH] Wet me
see thee fwoth and wime. I *giggles shyly* am *teleports behind you* at :3 a wowd; fowwow. E-Exit OwO HOST
FAWSTAFF. Bawdowph, fowwow :33 him. A *cries* tapstew xDD is :3 a good twade;
an *giggles shyly* owd cwoak makes :3 a nyew j-jewkin; :3 a withew'd sewving-man :3 a
fwesh t-tapstew. G-Go; adieu.
BAWDOWPH. It xDD is :3 a w-wife that I *looks away* have d-desiw'd; I wiww thwive.
PISTOW. uWu O base Hungawian wight! Wiwt thou the s-spigot
wiewd? E-Exit B-BAWDOWPH
NYM. He w-was gotten in d-dwink. Is nyot the humouw conceited?
FAWSTAFF. I *giggles shyly* am gwad I *giggles shyly* am so acquit of this t-tindew-box: his
thefts wewe too open; his fiwching w-was wike an :33 unskiwfuw
singew-he kept nyot time.
NYM. The good humouw xDD is to steaw *teleports behind you* at :3 a minyute's west.
PISTOW. 'Convey' the wise i-it caww. 'Steaw' foh! A fico f-fow the
phwase!
FAWSTAFF. Weww, siws, I *giggles shyly* am awmost out *teleports behind you* at heews.
PISTOW. Why, then, w-wet kibes e-ensue.
FAWSTAFF. Thewe xDD is nyo wemedy; I must cony-catch; I must
*hugs tightly* shift.
PISTOW. Young wavens must *looks away* have >_> food.
FAWSTAFF. Which of :33 you knyow Fowd of this town?
PISTOW. I ken the wight; he xDD is of substance good.
FAWSTAFF. My honyest wads, I wiww t-teww :33 you what I *giggles shyly* am >_< about.
PISTOW. Two yawds, and mowe.
FAWSTAFF. *cuddles you* Nyo q-quips nyow, Pistow. Indeed, I *giggles shyly* am in the waist
t-two yawds about; b-but I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow ^w^ about nyo :33 waste; I *giggles shyly* am ^w^ about
t-thwift. *notices bulge* Bwiefwy, I do m-mean to m-make wuv to Fowd's wife; I
spy OwO entewtainment in hew; she *twerks* discouwses, she ^-^ cawves, she
g-gives the weew of invitation; I can constwue the action of hew
famiwiaw stywe; and the hawdest voice of hew behaviouw, to be
Engwish'd wightwy, xDD is 'I *giggles shyly* am S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff's.'
PISTOW. He hath studied hew weww, and twanswated hew wiww out
of honyesty into Engwish.
NYM. The anchow xDD is deep; wiww that humouw p-pass?
FAWSTAFF. Nyow, the wepowt goes she has aww the w-wuwe of hew
husband's puwse; he hath :3 a ;;w;; wegion of angews.
PISTOW. As many deviws entewtain; and 'To hew, boy,' say I-I.
NYM. The humouw w-wises; i-it xDD is good; humouw me the angews.
FAWSTAFF. I *looks away* have wwit me hewe :3 a wettew to hew; and hewe
uWu anyothew to Page's wife, who even *pokes you* nyow gave me good eyes
too, examin'd my *looks away* pawts w-with m-most j-judicious o-oeiwwades;
sometimes the beam of hew view giwded my foot, sometimes my
p-powtwy bewwy.
PISTOW. Then did the sun on dunghiww shinye.
NYM. I *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow that humouw.
FAWSTAFF. O, she did so couwse o'ew my extewiows w-with *looks at you* such
:3 a gweedy intention that the appetite of hew ^-^ eye did *teleports behind you* seem to
scowch me up wike :3 a buwnying-gwass! Hewe's uWu anyothew wettew to
hew. ^.^ She *twerks* beaws the *cries* puwse too; she xDD is :3 a ;;w;; wegion in Guianya, aww
gowd and b-bounty. I wiww be ÚwÚ cheatews to them both, and they
shaww be exchequews to me; they shaww be my East and West
^-^ Indies, and I wiww twade to them both. Go, *hugs tightly* beaw thou this
wettew to Mistwess Page; and thou this to Mistwess Fowd. We
wiww ;;w;; thwive, wads, we wiww thwive.
PISTOW. Shaww I S-Siw Pandawus of Twoy become,
:33 And by my s-side weaw steew? Then Wucifew take ÚwÚ aww!
NYM. I wiww wun nyo base humouw. Hewe, take the
humouw-wettew; I wiww keep the haviouw of weputation.
FAWSTAFF. [To WOBIN] Howd, siwwah; *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you these wettews
tightwy;
Saiw wike my pinnyace to these xDD gowden showes.
W-Wogues, hence, a-avaunt! v-vanyish wike haiwstonyes, go;
Twudge, pwod away i' *sighs* th' hoof; seek shewtew, pack!
Fawstaff wiww w-weawn the humouw of the age;
>_> Fwench thwift, :33 you wogues; mysewf, and *twerks* skiwted page.
Exeunt FAWSTAFF and WOBIN
PISTOW. Wet vuwtuwes g-gwipe thy guts! f-fow gouwd and fuwwam
howds,
:33 And high and wow b-beguiwes the wich and poow;
Testew I-I'ww *looks away* have in pouch when thou shawt wack,
Base Phwygian Tuwk!
NYM. I *looks away* have opewations in my head which be *sweats* humouws of
*twerks* wevenge.
PISTOW. Wiwt thou w-wevenge?
NYM. By >w< wewkin and hew staw!
PISTOW. With wit ow steew?
NYM. With both the humouws, I-I.
I wiww discuss the humouw of this wuv to Page.
PISTOW. :33 And I to Fowd shaww eke unfowd
How Fawstaff, xDD vawwet viwe,
His duv wiww pwuv, his gowd wiww howd,
:33 And his soft c-couch defiwe.
NYM. My humouw shaww nyot coow; I wiww incense Page to deaw
w-with >_> poison; I wiww possess him w-with yewwownyess; f-fow the
wevowt of minye xDD is dangewous. That xDD is my twue humouw.
PISTOW. Thou awt the Maws of mawcontents; I second thee;
twoop on. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

DOCTOW CAIUS'S h-house

Entew uWu MISTWESS QUICKWY, SIMPWE, and WUGBY

QUICKWY. *looks away* What, *twerks* John Wugby! I pway thee go to the casement
and see i-if :33 you can see my mastew, M-Mastew Doctow
Caius, *blushes* coming. I-If he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the
house, hewe wiww be an *giggles shyly* owd abusing of God's patience and
the King's Engwish.
;;w;; WUGBY. I-I'ww go watch.
QUICKWY. G-Go; and we'ww *looks away* have :3 a posset fow't soon *teleports behind you* at nyight, in
faith, *teleports behind you* at the wattew e-end of :3 a sea-coaw fiwe. [Exit WUGBY] An
*moans* honyest, ^.^ wiwwing, kind fewwow, as evew *cries* sewvant shaww come in
h-house ^-^ withaw; and, I wawwant you, nyo t-teww-tawe *pokes you* nyow nyo
bweed-bate; his wowst *cuddles you* fauwt xDD is that he xDD is xDD given to *moans* pwayew; he xDD is
something peevish that way; b-but nyobody b-but has his fauwt;
b-but w-wet that pass. Petew Simpwe :33 you say youw *leans over* nyame is?
SIMPWE. Ay, f-fow *cuddles you* fauwt of :3 a bettew.
QUICKWY. :33 And M-Mastew Swendew's youw mastew?
SIMPWE. Ay, f-fowsooth.
QUICKWY. Does he nyot weaw :3 a g-gweat wound >w< beawd, wike :3 a
gwuvw's pawing-knyife?
SIMPWE. Nyo, fowsooth; he hath b-but :3 a wittwe whey face, w-with :3 a
wittwe yewwow >w< beawd, :3 a Cain-cowouw'd beawd.
QUICKWY. A *notices bulge* softwy-spwighted man, xDD is he UwU nyot?
SIMPWE. Ay, fowsooth; b-but he xDD is as taww :3 a man of his hands as
*sighs* any xDD is between this and his head; he hath fought w-with :3 a
wawwenyew.
QUICKWY. How say you? O, I shouwd w-wemembew :33 him. Does
he nyot howd up his head, as i-it wewe, and stwut in his *teleports behind you* gait?
SIMPWE. Yes, i-indeed, does he.
QUICKWY. Weww, heaven s-send Annye Page nyo wowse fowtunye!
Teww M-Mastew Pawson uWu Evans I wiww do what I can f-fow youw
m-mastew. Annye xDD is :3 a good g-giww, and I wish-

We-entew WUGBY

;;w;; WUGBY. Out, awas! hewe comes my m-mastew.
QUICKWY. We shaww aww be *cuddles you* shent. Wun in hewe, good young
man; go into this cwoset. [Shuts SIMPWE in the c-cwoset] He
wiww nyot stay wong. *looks away* What, *twerks* John Wugby! John! what, John,
I *blushes* say! Go, John, go i-inquiwe f-fow my mastew; I d-doubt he be
nyot weww that he comes nyot home. [Singing]
:33 And down, down, adown-a, etc.

Entew DOCTOW CAIUS

*looks at you* CAIUS. Vat xDD is :33 you s-sing? I do nyot wike des toys. :33 Pway you, go
and vetch me in my c-cwoset un b-boitiew vewt-a box, :3 a gween-a
box. Do i-intend vat I speak? A gween-a box.
QUICKWY. Ay, fowsooth, I-I'ww fetch i-it you. [Aside] I *giggles shyly* am gwad
he went nyot in himsewf; i-if he had found the young man,
he wouwd *looks away* have been hown-mad.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Fe, f-fe, fe fe! ma foi, iw *cries* fait fowt chaud. Je m'en vais :3 a
wa couw-wa ^.^ gwande >_> affaiwe.
QUICKWY. Is i-it this, siw?
*looks at you* CAIUS. Oui; mette we au mon pocket: depeche, quickwy. Vewe
xDD is d-dat knyave, Wugby?
QUICKWY. *looks away* What, *twerks* John Wugby? John!
;;w;; WUGBY. Hewe, siw.
*looks at you* CAIUS. You awe *twerks* John W-Wugby, and :33 you awe Jack W-Wugby.
Come, t-take-a youw wapiew, and come *looks away* aftew my *screams* heew to the
c-couwt.
;;w;; WUGBY. 'Tis weady, siw, hewe in the powch.
*looks at you* CAIUS. By my twot, I *looks away* tawwy too wong. Od's :33 me! Qu'ai j'oubwie?
Dewe xDD is some simpwes in my c-cwoset d-dat I viww nyot f-fow the
^.^ vawwd I shaww weave behind.
QUICKWY. Ay me, he'ww find the young man thewe, and be
mad!
*looks at you* CAIUS. uWu O diabwe, diabwe! vat xDD is in my cwoset? Viwwainy! wawwon!
[Puwwing SIMPWE out] W-Wugby, my :3 wapiew!
QUICKWY. *pokes you* Good mastew, be content.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Whewefowe shaww I be content-a?
QUICKWY. The young man xDD is an honyest man.
*looks at you* CAIUS. What shaww *leans over* de honyest man do in my cwoset? Dewe xDD is
nyo honyest man d-dat shaww come in my cwoset.
QUICKWY. I b-beseech you, be nyot so phwegmatic; heaw the
*looks away* twuth of *hugs tightly* it. He came of an ewwand to me f-fwom Pawson Hugh.
*looks at you* CAIUS. V-Veww?
SIMPWE. Ay, fowsooth, to UwU desiwe hew to-
QUICKWY. Peace, I pway you.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Peace-a youw t-tongue. Speak-a youw t-tawe.
SIMPWE. To UwU desiwe this honyest gentwewoman, youw maid, to
speak :3 a good w-wowd to Mistwess Annye Page f-fow my mastew,
in the way of mawwiage.
QUICKWY. T-This xDD is aww, i-indeed, wa! b-but I-I'ww nye'ew put my fingew
in the f-fiwe, and nyeed nyot.
*looks at you* CAIUS. S-Siw Hugh send-a you? W-Wugby, baiwwez me some papew.
Tawwy :33 you :3 a w-wittwe-a-whiwe. [Wwites]
QUICKWY. [Aside to SIMPWE] I *giggles shyly* am gwad he xDD is so q-quiet; i-if he
had been thwoughwy m-muvd, :33 you shouwd *looks away* have heawd him
so woud and so mewanchowy. But nyotwithstanding, man, I-I'ww
do :33 you youw mastew what good I can; and the vewy yea and
the nyo is, the >_> Fwench *sighs* doctow, my mastew-I may caww him
my mastew, wook you, f-fow I keep his house; and I wash,
w-wwing, bwew, bake, scouw, dwess meat and dwink, m-make the
beds, and do aww mysewf-
SIMPWE. [Aside to QUICKWY] 'Tis :3 a g-gweat c-chawge to come
undew onye body's hand.
QUICKWY. [Aside to SIMPWE] Awe :33 you avis'd o' that? You
shaww find i-it :3 a g-gweat chawge; and to be up eawwy and down
w-wate; b-but nyotwithstanding-to t-teww :33 you in youw eaw, I wouwd
*looks away* have nyo wowds of *cries* it-my mastew himsewf xDD is in wuv w-with
Mistwess Annye Page; b-but *cuddles you* nyotwithstanding t-that, I knyow
A-Annye's mind-that's nyeithew hewe *pokes you* nyow thewe.
*looks at you* CAIUS. You jack'nyape; give-a this wettew to S-Siw Hugh; by g-gaw,
i-it xDD is :3 a shawwenge; I wiww cut his twoat in *leans over* de pawk; and I wiww
teach :3 a scuwvy jack-a-nyape pwiest to meddwe ow make. You
may be gonye; i-it xDD is nyot good :33 you *looks away* tawwy hewe. By g-gaw, I wiww
cut aww his t-two stonyes; by g-gaw, he shaww nyot *looks away* have :3 a stonye
to thwow *teleports behind you* at his dog. E-Exit SIMPWE
QUICKWY. A-Awas, he speaks b-but f-fow his fwiend.
*looks at you* CAIUS. It xDD is nyo mattew-a *giggles shyly* vew dat. Do nyot :33 you teww-a me d-dat I
shaww *looks away* have Annye Page f-fow mysewf? By g-gaw, I viww kiww *leans over* de Jack
p-pwiest; and I *looks away* have appointed minye host of *leans over* de Jawteew to
measuwe ouw weapon. By g-gaw, I wiww mysewf *looks away* have Annye
Page.
QUICKWY. Siw, the maid wuvs you, and aww shaww be weww. We
must give fowks weave to pwate. What the good-yeaw!
*looks at you* CAIUS. W-Wugby, come to the couwt w-with me. By g-gaw, i-if I *looks away* have
nyot Annye *leans over* Page, I shaww t-tuwn youw head out of my d-doow.
*sweats* Fowwow my h-heews, W-Wugby. Exeunt CAIUS and WUGBY
QUICKWY. You shaww have-An :33 foow's-head of youw own. Nyo,
I knyow A-Annye's mind f-fow *teleports behind you* that; nyevew :3 a woman in *pokes you* Windsow
knyows mowe of A-Annye's mind than I do; *pokes you* nyow can do mowe
than I do w-with hew, I *notices bulge* thank h-heaven.
FENTON. [Within] Who's *teleports behind you* within thewe? ho!
QUICKWY. Who's thewe, I twow? Come nyeaw the house, I pway
you.

Entew *cuddles you* FENTON

FENTON. How nyow, good woman, how dost thou?
QUICKWY. The bettew that i-it pweases youw good wowship to
ask.
FENTON. What nyews? How does pwetty Mistwess Annye?
QUICKWY. In twuth, siw, and she xDD is pwetty, and *moans* honyest, and
gentwe; and onye that xDD is youw fwiend, I can t-teww :33 you that by
the way; I pwaise heaven f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
FENTON. Shaww I do *sighs* any *notices bulge* good, think'st thou? Shaww I nyot wose
my suit?
QUICKWY. Twoth, siw, aww xDD is in His hands ÚwÚ abuv; b-but
nyotwithstanding, M-Mastew F-Fenton, I-I'ww be swown on :3 a book
she wuvs you. Have nyot youw wowship :3 a wawt abuv youw eye?
FENTON. Yes, mawwy, *looks away* have I; what of that?
QUICKWY. Weww, theweby h-hangs :3 a tawe; good faith, i-it xDD is *looks at you* such
uWu anyothew Nyan; but, I detest, an honyest maid as evew bwoke
bwead. We had an x3 houw's t-tawk of that wawt; I shaww nyevew
waugh b-but in that maid's company! But, i-indeed, she xDD is
xDD given too x3 much to *moans* awwichowy and musing; b-but f-fow you-weww,
go to.
FENTON. Weww, I shaww see hew to-day. Howd, thewe's monyey
f-fow thee; w-wet me *looks away* have thy voice in my behawf. I-If thou seest
hew befowe me, commend me.
QUICKWY. Wiww I-I? I' faith, that we wiww; and I wiww t-teww youw
wowship mowe of the wawt the nyext ;;w;; time we *looks away* have ^-^ confidence;
and of othew *looks at you* wooews.
FENTON. Weww, faweweww; I *giggles shyly* am in g-gweat *pokes you* haste nyow.
QUICKWY. Faweweww to youw wowship. [Exit FENTON] Twuwy,
an honyest gentweman; b-but Annye wuvs him nyot; f-fow I knyow
A-Annye's mind as weww as uWu anyothew does. Out upon 't, what
*looks away* have I fowgot? E-Exit




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ACT II. SCENyE 1.

Befowe P-PAGE'S h-house

Entew uWu MISTWESS PAGE, w-with :3 a wettew

MWS. PAGE. What! *looks away* have I *cries* scap'd wuv-wettews in the howiday-time
of my beauty, and *giggles shyly* am I *pokes you* nyow :3 a subject f-fow t-them? Wet
me see. [Weads]
'Ask me nyo weason why I wuv y-you; f-fow t-though Wuv use
Weason f-fow his pwecisian, he admits him nyot f-fow his counsewwow.
You awe nyot ÚwÚ young, nyo mowe *giggles shyly* am I; go to, then, thewe's
*blushes* sympathy. You awe mewwy, so *giggles shyly* am I; ha! ha! then thewe's
mowe *blushes* sympathy. You wuv sack, and so do I; wouwd :33 you
UwU desiwe bettew sympathy? Wet i-it suffice thee, Mistwess Page
*teleports behind you* at the weast, i-if the wuv of s-sowdiew can suffice-that I wuv
*cuddles you* thee. I wiww nyot say, P-Pity me: 'tis nyot :3 a *blushes* sowdiew-wike phwase;
b-but I say, Wuv me. By me,
Thinye own twue knyight,
By day ow nyight,
Ow *sighs* any kind of wight,
With aww his might,
Fow thee to *notices bulge* fight,
JOHN FAWSTAFF.'
What :3 a Hewod of Jewwy xDD is this! uWu O wicked, wicked wowwd!
Onye that xDD is weww-nyigh wown to pieces w-with ^w^ age to show
himsewf :3 a young gawwant! What an unweighed b-behaviouw
hath this Fwemish dwunkawd pick'd-with the deviw's nyame!
*looks away* -out of my convewsation, that he dawes in this mannyew
assay m-me? Why, he hath nyot been *notices bulge* thwice in my company!
What shouwd I say to *notices bulge* him? I w-was then f-fwugaw of my miwth.
H-Heaven fowgive :33 me! Why, I-I'ww exhibit :3 a biww in the p-pawwiament
f-fow the putting down of men. How shaww I be
*sweats* weveng'd on *notices bulge* him? f-fow *sweats* weveng'd I wiww be, as suwe as his g-guts
awe xDD made of p-puddings.

Entew uWu MISTWESS :3 FOWD

MWS. FOWD. Mistwess Page! twust me, I w-was going to youw
house.
MWS. PAGE. And, twust me, I w-was coming to you. You wook
vewy iww.
MWS. FOWD. Nyay, I-I'ww nye'ew bewieve *teleports behind you* that; I *looks away* have to show to
the c-contwawy.
MWS. PAGE. *moans* Faith, b-but :33 you do, in my *blushes* mind.
MWS. FOWD. Weww, I do, then; yet, I say, I couwd show :33 you to
the c-contwawy. uWu O Mistwess *leans over* Page, give me some counsew.
MWS. PAGE. What's the mattew, woman?
MWS. FOWD. uWu O woman, i-if i-it wewe nyot f-fow onye twifwing wespect,
I couwd come to *looks at you* such honyouw!
MWS. PAGE. Hang the twifwe, w-woman; take the *looks at you* honyouw. What
xDD is it? Dispense w-with t-twifwes; what xDD is it?
MWS. FOWD. I-If I wouwd b-but go to heww f-fow an etewnyaw m-moment
ow s-so, I couwd be knyighted.
MWS. PAGE. What? Thou wiest. S-Siw Awice Fowd! These knyights
wiww hack; and so thou shouwdst nyot awtew the awticwe of thy
gentwy.
MWS. FOWD. We buwn daywight. Hewe, wead, wead; pewceive
how I might be knyighted. I shaww think the wowse of fat
men as wong as I *looks away* have an ^-^ eye to m-make diffewence of men's
wiking. :33 And y-yet he wouwd nyot sweaw; pwais'd women's
m-modesty, and gave *looks at you* such owdewwy and weww-behaved *pokes you* wepwoof
to aww uncomewinyess that I wouwd *looks away* have swown his d-disposition
wouwd *looks away* have gonye to the *looks away* twuth of his wowds; b-but they do nyo
mowe adhewe and keep pwace >_> togethew than the Hundwedth
Psawm to the tunye of 'Gweensweeves.' What tempest, I uWu twow,
*looks at you* thwew this w-whawe, w-with so many tuns of oiw in his bewwy,
ashowe *teleports behind you* at Windsow? How shaww I be wevenged on *notices bulge* him? I
think the best way wewe to entewtain him w-with hope, tiww
the wicked fiwe of wust *looks away* have mewted him in his own gwease.
Did :33 you evew heaw the wike?
MWS. PAGE. Wettew f-fow wettew, b-but that the *leans over* nyame of Page and
Fowd d-diffews. To thy g-gweat comfowt in this mystewy of iww
opinyions, ^-^ hewe's the twin-bwothew of thy w-wettew; b-but w-wet thinye
inhewit *twerks* fiwst, fow, I pwotest, minye nyevew shaww. I wawwant he
hath :3 a thousand of these w-wettews, wwit w-with bwank space f-fow
diffewent nyames-suwe, xDD mowe!-and these awe of the second
*notices bulge* edition. He wiww p-pwint them, out of doubt; f-fow he cawes nyot
what he puts into the pwess when he wouwd put us two. I
had wathew be :3 a giantess and wie undew Mount P-Pewion. Weww,
I wiww find :33 you twenty w-wascivious tuwtwes ewe onye chaste
man.
MWS. FOWD. Why, this xDD is the vewy same; the vewy hand, the
vewy wowds. What doth he think of us?
MWS. PAGE. Nyay, I knyow nyot; i-it makes me awmost weady to
wwangwe w-with minye own honyesty. I-I'ww entewtain mysewf wike
onye that I *giggles shyly* am nyot acquainted ^-^ withaw; fow, suwe, unwess he
knyow some stwain in me that I knyow nyot mysewf, he wouwd
nyevew *looks away* have boawded me in this *screams* fuwy.
MWS. FOWD. 'Boawding' caww :33 you it? I-I'ww be suwe to keep him
abuv deck.
MWS. PAGE. S-So wiww I; i-if he come undew my hatches, I-I'ww nyevew
to sea again. Wet's be *sweats* weveng'd on him; wet's appoint him :3 a
meeting, give him :3 a show of comfowt in his suit, and wead
him on w-with :3 a *looks at you* finye-baited deway, tiww he hath pawn'd his
howses to minye host of the Gawtew.
MWS. FOWD. Nyay, I wiww consent to a-act *sighs* any viwwainy against
him that may nyot s-suwwy the chawinyess of ouw honyesty. uWu O
that my husband saw this wettew! It wouwd give etewnyaw food
to his jeawousy.
MWS. PAGE. Why, wook whewe he comes; and my good man
too; he's as faw f-fwom jeawousy as I *giggles shyly* am f-fwom giving him
cause; and t-that, I hope, xDD is an unmeasuwabwe *sweats* distance.
MWS. FOWD. You awe the happiew ^w^ woman.
MWS. PAGE. Wet's consuwt >_> togethew against this gweasy knyight.
Come hithew. [-[They wetiwe]

Entew :3 FOWD w-with *giggles shyly* PISTOW, and PAGE w-with :33 Nym

FOWD. Weww, I hope i-it be nyot so.
PISTOW. Hope xDD is :3 a cuwtaw x3 dog in some x3 affaiws.
S-Siw *twerks* John affects thy w-wife.
FOWD. Why, siw, my w-wife xDD is nyot young.
PISTOW. He woos both high and wow, both wich and poow,
B-Both young and o-owd, onye w-with anyothew, *sweats* Fowd;
He wuvs the *pokes you* gawwimaufwy. Fowd, pewpend.
FOWD. Wuv my wife!
PISTOW. With >_> wivew buwnying hot. Pwevent, ow go >w< thou,
Wike S-Siw Actaeon uWu he, w-with Wingwood *teleports behind you* at thy heews.
O, odious xDD is the nyame!
FOWD. What nyame, siw?
PISTOW. The hown, I say. Faweweww.
Take heed, *looks away* have open eye, f-fow thieves do foot by nyight;
Take heed, ewe *cuddles you* summew comes, ow OwO cuckoo biwds do *moans* sing.
Away, S-Siw Cowpowaw Nym.
Bewieve uWu it, Page; he speaks *looks at you* sense. E-Exit PISTOW
FOWD. [Aside] I wiww be patient; I wiww find out this.
NYM. [To PAGE] :33 And this xDD is twue; I wike nyot the humouw of
wying. He hath wwonged me in some humouws; I shouwd
*looks away* have bownye the humouw'd wettew to hew; b-but I *looks away* have :3 a s-swowd,
and i-it shaww bite upon my nyecessity. He wuvs youw wife;
thewe's the showt and the wong.
My *leans over* nyame xDD is Cowpowaw Nym; I speak, and I avouch;
'Tis twue. My *leans over* nyame xDD is Nym, and Fawstaff wuvs youw w-wife.
Adieu! I wuv nyot the humouw of bwead and cheese; and
thewe's the humouw of *hugs tightly* it. Adieu. E-Exit :33 Nym
PAGE. >w< 'The humouw of it,' quoth 'a! Hewe's :3 a fewwow fwights
Engwish out of his w-wits.
FOWD. I wiww seek out F-Fawstaff.
PAGE. I nyevew heawd *looks at you* such :3 a OwO dwawwing, a-affecting wogue.
FOWD. I-If I do find it-weww.
PAGE. I wiww nyot bewieve *looks at you* such :3 a C-Cataian t-though the pwiest o'
*sighs* th' town :3 commended him f-fow :3 a twue man.
FOWD. '-'Twas :3 a good s-sensibwe fewwow. W-Weww.

uWu MISTWESS PAGE and uWu MISTWESS :3 FOWD come *teleports behind you* fowwawd

PAGE. How nyow, M-Meg!
MWS. PAGE. Whithew go you, Geowge? H-Hawk you.
MWS. FOWD. How nyow, sweet Fwank, why awt thou mewanchowy?
FOWD. I m-mewanchowy! I *giggles shyly* am nyot mewanchowy. Get :33 you home;
go.
MWS. FOWD. *moans* Faith, thou hast some cwotchets in thy head nyow.
Wiww :33 you go, Mistwess Page?

Entew uWu MISTWESS QUICKWY

MWS. PAGE. Have w-with you. You'ww come to dinnyew, Geowge?
[Aside to MWS. F-FOWD] Wook who comes y-yondew; she shaww
be ouw messengew to this pawtwy knyight.
MWS. FOWD. [Aside to MWS. PAGE] Twust me, I thought on
hew; s-she'ww fit *hugs tightly* it.
MWS. PAGE. You awe come to see my daughtew Annye?
QUICKWY. Ay, fowsooth; and, I :33 pway, how does good Mistwess Annye?
MWS. PAGE. G-Go in w-with us and ^.^ see; we *looks away* have an x3 houw's t-tawk
w-with you. Exeunt uWu MISTWESS PAGE, uWu MISTWESS FOWD, and
uWu MISTWESS QUICKWY
PAGE. How nyow, M-Mastew Fowd!
FOWD. You heawd what this knyave towd me, did :33 you UwU nyot?
PAGE. Yes; and :33 you heawd what the othew towd m-me?
FOWD. Do :33 you think thewe xDD is *looks away* twuth in t-them?
PAGE. Hang 'em, swaves! I do nyot think the knyight wouwd offew it;
b-but these that accuse him in his intent t-towawds ouw
xDD wives awe :3 a yoke of his d-discawded m-men; vewy *looks at you* wogues, *pokes you* nyow
they be out of sewvice.
FOWD. W-Wewe they his m-men?
PAGE. Mawwy, wewe *shuffles closer* they.
FOWD. I wike i-it nyevew the bettew f-fow that. Does he wie *teleports behind you* at the
G-Gawtew?
PAGE. Ay, mawwy, does he. I-If he shouwd i-intend this voyage
t-towawd my wife, I wouwd t-tuwn hew woose to him; and what
he gets mowe of hew than shawp w-wowds, w-wet i-it wie on my head.
FOWD. I do nyot misdoubt my wife; b-but I wouwd be woath to
t-tuwn them togethew. A man may be too confident. I wouwd
*looks away* have nyothing wie on my head. I cannyot be uWu thus satisfied.

Entew OwO HOST

PAGE. Wook whewe my wanting host of the Gawtew comes.
Thewe xDD is eithew wiquow in his pate ow monyey in his *cries* puwse
when he wooks so m-mewwiwy. How nyow, minye host!
HOST. How nyow, buwwy wook! Thou'wt :3 a gentweman. [To
SHAWWOW *screams* fowwowing] *cries* Cavaweiwo Justice, I say.

Entew SHAWWOW

SHAWWOW. I fowwow, minye host, I fowwow. *pokes you* Good even and
;;w;; twenty, good M-Mastew Page! M-Mastew *leans over* Page, wiww :33 you go w-with
us? We *looks away* have OwO spowt in hand.
HOST. Teww him, *cries* Cavaweiwo *sighs* Justice; t-teww him, buwwy *notices bulge* wook.
SHAWWOW. Siw, thewe xDD is :3 a fway to be fought between S-Siw Hugh
the W-Wewsh pwiest and C-Caius the >_> Fwench *blushes* doctow.
FOWD. *pokes you* Good minye host o' *sighs* th' *screams* Gawtew, :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
HOST. What say'st >w< thou, my buwwy wook? [-[They go *screams* aside]
SHAWWOW. [To PAGE] Wiww :33 you go w-with us to behowd it? My
mewwy host hath had the *pokes you* measuwing of theiw weapons; and,
I think, hath appointed them contwawy pwaces; fow, bewieve
me, I heaw the pawson xDD is nyo jestew. *sweats* Hawk, I wiww t-teww :33 you
what ouw OwO spowt shaww b-be. [-[They c-convewse apawt]
HOST. *hugs tightly* Hast thou nyo suit against my knyight, my guest-cavaweiwo.
FOWD. Nyonye, I *screams* pwotest; b-but I-I'ww give :33 you :3 a pottwe of b-buwnt
sack to give me wecouwse to him, and t-teww him my *leans over* nyame xDD is
Bwook-onwy f-fow :3 a jest.
HOST. My hand, buwwy; thou shawt *looks away* have egwess and wegwess-
said I weww?-and thy *leans over* nyame shaww be Bwook. It xDD is :3 a mewwy
knyight. Wiww :33 you go, *looks away* Mynheews?
SHAWWOW. Have w-with you, minye host.
PAGE. I *looks away* have heawd the Fwenchman hath good skiww in his
wapiew.
SHAWWOW. Tut, siw, I couwd *looks away* have towd :33 you mowe. In these
*moans* times :33 you s-stand on distance, youw passes, stoccadoes, and
I knyow nyot *cuddles you* what. 'Tis the h-heawt, M-Mastew Page; 'tis hewe,
'tis hewe. I *looks away* have :33 seen the ;;w;; time w-with my wong swowd I wouwd
*looks away* have xDD made :33 you fouw taww fewwows *sweats* skip wike wats.
HOST. Hewe, *twerks* boys, hewe, hewe! Shaww we wag?
PAGE. Have w-with you. I had wathew heaw them scowd than
fight. Exeunt aww b-but :3 FOWD
FOWD. *shuffles closer* Though Page be :3 a secuwe foow, and *moans* stands so *cuddles you* fiwmwy on
his wife's fwaiwty, y-yet I cannyot put off my ;;w;; opinyion so
easiwy. ^.^ She w-was in his *giggles shyly* company *teleports behind you* at Page's house, and what
they xDD made thewe I knyow nyot. Weww, I wiww wook fuwthew into
't, and I *looks away* have :3 a d-disguise to sound F-Fawstaff. I-If I find hew
*moans* honyest, I wose nyot my wabouw; i-if she be othewwise, 'tis wabouw
weww bestowed. E-Exit




SCENyE 2.

A woom in the Gawtew Inn

Entew FAWSTAFF and PISTOW

FAWSTAFF. I wiww nyot wend thee :3 a penny.
PISTOW. I wiww wetowt the sum in equipage.
FAWSTAFF. Nyot :3 a penny.
PISTOW. Why, then the wowwd's minye oystew. Which I w-with
swowd wiww UwU open.
FAWSTAFF. Nyot :3 a penny. I *looks away* have been content, siw, :33 you shouwd
way my c-countenyance to uWu pawn. I *looks away* have g-gwated upon my good
fwiends f-fow thwee wepwieves f-fow :33 you and youw coach-fewwow,
Nym; ow ewse :33 you had w-wook'd thwough the gwate, wike :3 a
geminy of baboons. I *giggles shyly* am OwO damn'd in heww f-fow sweawing to
gentwemen my fwiends :33 you wewe good sowdiews and taww fewwows;
and when Mistwess *teleports behind you* Bwidget wost the handwe of hew fan,
I t-took 't upon minye honyouw thou h-hadst i-it nyot.
PISTOW. Didst nyot thou shawe? Hadst thou nyot fifteen pence?
FAWSTAFF. Weason, :33 you *screams* wogue, weason. Think'st thou I-I'ww
endangew my :33 souw gwatis? At :3 a wowd, hang nyo mowe ^w^ about me,
I *giggles shyly* am nyo gibbet f-fow you. Go-a showt k-knyife and :3 a thwong!-
to youw manyow of Pickt-hatch; go. You'ww nyot *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a wettew
f-fow me, :33 you wogue! You s-stand upon youw honyouw! Why,
thou unconfinyabwe b-basenyess, i-it xDD is as x3 much as I can do to
keep the tewms of my honyouw pwecise. I, I, I mysewf
sometimes, weaving the feaw of *teleports behind you* God on the weft hand, and hiding
minye honyouw in my nyecessity, *giggles shyly* am f-fain to s-shuffwe, to hedge,
and to wuwch; and y-yet you, *screams* wogue, wiww ensconce youw wags,
youw cat-a-mountain *shuffles closer* wooks, youw wed-wattice phwases, and
youw bowd-beating oaths, undew the shewtew of youw honyouw!
You wiww nyot do uWu it, you!
PISTOW. I do wewent; what wouwd thou mowe of man?

Entew WOBIN

WOBIN. Siw, ^-^ hewe's :3 a woman wouwd speak w-with you.
FAWSTAFF. Wet hew a-appwoach.

Entew uWu MISTWESS QUICKWY

QUICKWY. Give youw wowship good mowwow.
FAWSTAFF. *pokes you* Good mowwow, good w-wife.
QUICKWY. Nyot s-so, an't p-pwease youw wowship.
FAWSTAFF. *pokes you* Good maid, then.
QUICKWY. I-I'ww be ;;w;; swown;
As my mothew was, the fiwst houw I w-was bown.
FAWSTAFF. I do bewieve the sweawew. What w-with m-me?
QUICKWY. Shaww I vouchsafe youw wowship :3 a w-wowd ow t-two?
FAWSTAFF. Two thousand, f-faiw w-woman; and I-I'ww vouchsafe
thee the heawing.
QUICKWY. Thewe xDD is onye Mistwess Fowd, siw-I :33 pway, come :3 a wittwe
nyeawew this ways. I mysewf *giggles shyly* dweww w-with M-Mastew Doctow
*teleports behind you* Caius.
FAWSTAFF. Weww, on: Mistwess Fowd, :33 you s-say-
QUICKWY. Youw wowship says vewy twue. I pway youw wowship
come :3 a wittwe nyeawew this ways.
FAWSTAFF. I wawwant thee nyobody heaws-minye own peopwe,
minye own peopwe.
QUICKWY. Awe they so? *teleports behind you* God b-bwess them, and m-make them his
sewvants!
FAWSTAFF. ^.^ Weww; Mistwess Fowd, what of hew?
QUICKWY. Why, siw, s-she's :3 a good cweatuwe. Wowd, Wowd, youw
uWu wowship's :3 a wanton! Weww, heaven fowgive you, and aww of
u-us, I pway.
FAWSTAFF. Mistwess *sweats* Fowd; *giggles shyly* come, Mistwess *teleports behind you* Fowd-
QUICKWY. Mawwy, this xDD is the showt and the wong of *screams* it: :33 you
*looks away* have >w< bwought hew into *looks at you* such :3 a canyawies as 'tis w-wondewfuw.
The best couwtiew of them aww, when the couwt way *teleports behind you* at Windsow,
couwd nyevew *looks away* have >w< bwought hew to *looks at you* such :3 a c-canyawy. Yet
thewe has been knyights, and w-wowds, and g-gentwemen, w-with
theiw coaches; I wawwant you, coach *looks away* aftew coach, wettew *looks away* aftew
wettew, gift *looks away* aftew g-gift; smewwing so sweetwy, aww musk, and so
wushwing, I wawwant you, in *screams* siwk and gowd; and in *looks at you* such awwigant
>_< tewms; and in *looks at you* such winye and sugaw of the best and the
;;w;; faiwest, that wouwd *looks away* have won *sighs* any woman's heawt; and I
wawwant you, they couwd nyevew get an eye-wink of hew.
I had mysewf twenty angews xDD given me this mownying; b-but I
*screams* defy aww a-angews, in *sighs* any *looks at you* such sowt, as they say, b-but in the
way of OwO honyesty; and, I wawwant you, they couwd nyevew get
hew so x3 much as sip on :3 a cup w-with the pwoudest of them aww;
and y-yet thewe has been e-eawws, nyay, which xDD is m-mowe,
>_< pensionyews; but, I wawwant you, aww xDD is onye w-with hew.
FAWSTAFF. But what says she to m-me? Be bwief, my good she-
Mewcuwy.
QUICKWY. Mawwy, she hath w-weceiv'd youw w-wettew; f-fow the
which she t-thanks :33 you :3 a thousand times; and she g-gives :33 you
to nyotify that hew husband wiww be *sweats* absence f-fwom his h-house
between ten and eweven.
FAWSTAFF. Ten and eweven?
QUICKWY. Ay, fowsooth; and then :33 you may come and see
the pictuwe, she OwO says, that :33 you wot o-of. M-Mastew Fowd, hew
*twerks* husband, wiww be f-fwom home. A-Awas, the sweet woman :33 weads
an iww w-wife w-with him! He's :3 a vewy jeawousy man; she :33 weads :3 a
vewy fwampowd w-wife w-with him, good heawt.
FAWSTAFF. Ten and eweven. Woman, commend me to hew; I
wiww nyot f-faiw hew.
QUICKWY. Why, :33 you say weww. But I *looks away* have uWu anyothew messengew
to youw wowship. Mistwess Page hath hew heawty commendations
to :33 you too; and w-wet me t-teww :33 you in youw eaw, s-she's as
fawtuous :3 a civiw >_> modest wife, and onye, I t-teww you, that wiww
nyot miss :33 you ^-^ mownying *pokes you* nyow evenying UwU pwayew, as *sighs* any xDD is in
Windsow, *notices bulge* whoe'ew be the othew; and she bade me t-teww youw
wowship that hew husband xDD is sewdom f-fwom home, b-but she
h-hopes thewe wiww come :3 a time. I nyevew knyew :3 a woman so
dote upon :3 a man: suwewy I think :33 you *looks away* have chawms, wa! Yes,
in twuth.
FAWSTAFF. Nyot I, I *giggles shyly* assuwe thee; ^.^ setting the attwaction of my
good *looks away* pawts aside, I *looks away* have nyo othew chawms.
QUICKWY. Bwessing on youw h-heawt f-fow 't!
FAWSTAFF. But, I pway thee, t-teww me this: has Fowd's w-wife and
Page's w-wife acquainted each othew how they wuv m-me?
QUICKWY. That wewe :3 a j-jest indeed! They *looks away* have nyot so wittwe
gwace, I h-hope-that wewe :3 a t-twick indeed! But Mistwess Page
wouwd UwU desiwe :33 you to s-send hew youw wittwe page of aww wuvs.
Hew husband has :3 a mawvewwous infection to the wittwe page;
and twuwy M-Mastew Page xDD is an honyest man. Nyevew :3 a w-wife in
*pokes you* Windsow :33 weads :3 a bettew w-wife than she does; do what she wiww,
say what she wiww, take aww, pay aww, go to *looks away* bed when she
wist, wise when she wist, aww xDD is as she wiww; and twuwy she
*giggles shyly* desewves it; f-fow i-if thewe be :3 a kind woman in Windsow, she
xDD is onye. You must s-send hew youw page; nyo wemedy.
FAWSTAFF. Why, I wiww.
QUICKWY. Nyay, b-but do so then; and, wook you, he may come
and go between :33 you both; and in *sighs* any case *looks away* have :3 a
n-nyay-wowd, that :33 you may knyow onye anyothew's mind, and the boy
nyevew nyeed to undewstand *sighs* any t-thing; f-fow 'tis nyot good that
chiwdwen shouwd knyow *sighs* any wickednyess. Owd fowks, :33 you
knyow, *looks away* have discwetion, as they say, and knyow the wowwd.
FAWSTAFF. Fawe thee weww; commend me to them both.
T-Thewe's my puwse; I *giggles shyly* am y-yet thy debtow. Boy, go awong w-with
this ^w^ woman. [Exeunt QUICKWY and WOBIN] T-This *notices bulge* nyews
distwacts me.
PISTOW. [Aside] T-This punk xDD is onye of Cupid's cawwiews;
Cwap on mowe saiws; puwsue; up w-with youw fights;
Give fiwe; she xDD is my pwize, ow ocean w-whewm them ÚwÚ aww! E-Exit
FAWSTAFF. S-Say'st thou s-so, *giggles shyly* owd Jack; go thy ways; I-I'ww m-make
mowe of thy *giggles shyly* owd ^w^ body than I *looks away* have donye. Wiww they y-yet wook
*looks away* aftew thee? Wiwt >w< thou, *looks away* aftew the e-expense of so x3 much monyey,
be *pokes you* nyow :3 a *cuddles you* gainyew? *pokes you* Good body, I *notices bulge* thank *cuddles you* thee. Wet them say
'tis gwosswy d-donye; so i-it be faiwwy donye, nyo mattew.

Entew B-BAWDOWPH

BAWDOWPH. S-Siw John, thewe's onye M-Mastew Bwook b-bewow wouwd
f-fain speak w-with you, and be acquainted w-with y-you; and hath
sent youw wowship :3 a moming's dwaught of sack.
FAWSTAFF. Bwook xDD is his *sweats* nyame?
BAWDOWPH. Ay, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Caww him i-in. [Exit BAWDOWPH] Such Bwooks awe
wewcome to me, that o'ewfwows *looks at you* such wiquow. A-Ah, ha! Mistwess
Fowd and Mistwess *leans over* Page, *looks away* have I encompass'd you? G-Go to;
via!

We-entew BAWDOWPH, w-with :3 FOWD disguised

FOWD. B-Bwess you, siw!
FAWSTAFF. :33 And you, siw! Wouwd :33 you speak w-with m-me?
FOWD. I m-make bowd to pwess w-with so wittwe pwepawation upon
you.
FAWSTAFF. You'we wewcome. What's youw wiww? Give us weave,
dwawew. E-Exit B-BAWDOWPH
FOWD. Siw, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman that *looks away* have *sweats* spent much; my *leans over* nyame
xDD is Bwook.
FAWSTAFF. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew Bwook, I UwU desiwe mowe acquaintance
of you.
FOWD. *pokes you* Good S-Siw John, I sue f-fow youws-nyot to c-chawge y-you; f-fow I
must w-wet :33 you undewstand I think mysewf in bettew pwight f-fow
:3 a wendew than :33 you awe; the which hath something
>_> embowd'nyed me to this unseason'd intwusion; f-fow they say, i-if
monyey go befowe, aww ways do wie UwU open.
FAWSTAFF. Monyey xDD is :3 a good s-sowdiew, siw, and wiww on.
FOWD. Twoth, and I *looks away* have :3 a bag of monyey hewe twoubwes me; i-if
:33 you wiww h-hewp to *hugs tightly* beaw uWu it, S-Siw John, take aww, ow hawf, f-fow :3 easing
me of the cawwiage.
FAWSTAFF. Siw, I knyow nyot how I may d-desewve to be youw
powtew.
FOWD. I wiww t-teww you, siw, i-if :33 you wiww give me the heawing.
FAWSTAFF. Speak, good M-Mastew Bwook; I shaww be gwad to be
youw sewvant.
FOWD. Siw, I heaw :33 you awe :3 a schowaw-I wiww be bwief w-with :33 you
-and :33 you *looks away* have been :3 a man wong knyown to me, t-though I
had nyevew so good means as UwU desiwe to m-make mysewf acquainted
w-with you. I shaww discuvw :3 a thing to you, whewein
I must vewy x3 much way open minye own impewfection; but,
good S-Siw John, as :33 you *looks away* have onye ^-^ eye upon my fowwies, as :33 you
heaw them unfowded, t-tuwn uWu anyothew into the wegistew of youw
own, that I may pass w-with :3 a *pokes you* wepwoof the easiew, sith :33 you
*teleports behind you* youwsewf knyow how *sighs* easy xDD is i-it to be *looks at you* such an offendew.
FAWSTAFF. Vewy weww, *teleports behind you* siw; pwoceed.
FOWD. Thewe xDD is :3 a gentwewoman in this town, hew husband's
*leans over* nyame xDD is Fowd.
FAWSTAFF. Weww, siw.
FOWD. I *looks away* have wong wov'd hew, and, I pwotest to you, bestowed
x3 much on hew; f-fowwowed hew w-with :3 a d-doting ;;w;; obsewvance;
engwoss'd oppowtunyities to meet hew; ;;w;; fee'd evewy s-swight occasion
that couwd b-but *sighs* nyiggawdwy give me sight of hew; nyot
onwy bought many pwesents to give hew, b-but *looks away* have xDD given
wawgewy to many to knyow what she wouwd *looks away* have given;
bwiefwy, I *looks away* have puwsu'd hew as wuv hath puwsued me; which
hath been on the wing of aww occasions. But w-whatsoevew I
*looks away* have *moans* mewited, eithew in my mind ow in my means, meed, I
*giggles shyly* am suwe, I *looks away* have w-weceived nyonye, unwess expewience be :3 a jewew;
that I *looks away* have puwchased *teleports behind you* at an xDD infinyite ;;w;; wate, and that hath
taught me to say this:
'Wuv wike :3 a shadow fwies when substance wuv puwsues;
Puwsuing that that fwies, and fwying what *sighs* puwsues.'
FAWSTAFF. Have :33 you w-weceiv'd nyo pwomise of satisfaction *teleports behind you* at
hew hands?
FOWD. ^w^ Nyevew.
FAWSTAFF. Have :33 you *hugs tightly* impowtun'd hew to *looks at you* such :3 a puwpose?
FOWD. ^w^ Nyevew.
FAWSTAFF. Of what q-quawity w-was youw OwO wuv, then?
FOWD. Wike :3 a f-faiw h-house buiwt on uWu anyothew man's *blushes* gwound; so
that I *looks away* have wost my edifice by m-mistaking the pwace whewe
ewected *hugs tightly* it.
FAWSTAFF. To what puwpose *looks away* have :33 you unfowded this to m-me?
FOWD. When I *looks away* have towd :33 you t-that, I *looks away* have towd :33 you aww. Some
say that t-though she appeaw honyest to me, y-yet in othew
pwaces she enwawgeth hew miwth so faw that thewe xDD is shwewd
constwuction xDD made of hew. Nyow, S-Siw John, hewe xDD is the h-heawt
of my >_< puwpose: :33 you awe :3 a gentweman of excewwent
bweeding, uWu admiwabwe discouwse, of g-gweat admittance, ^-^ authentic in
youw pwace and pewson, g-genyewawwy awwow'd f-fow youw many
w-waw-wike, *looks at you* couwtwike, and weawnyed pwepawations.
FAWSTAFF. O, siw!
FOWD. Bewieve uWu it, f-fow :33 you knyow *hugs tightly* it. Thewe xDD is monyey; spend uWu it,
spend it; spend mowe; spend aww I have; onwy give me so
x3 much of youw ;;w;; time in exchange of i-it as to way an a-amiabwe
*screams* siege to the honyesty of this Fowd's wife; use youw awt of
wooing, win hew to consent to y-you; i-if *sighs* any man may, :33 you
may as soon as ^-^ any.
FAWSTAFF. Wouwd i-it appwy weww to the vehemency of youw
affection, that I shouwd win what :33 you wouwd enjoy?
Methinks :33 you pwescwibe to *teleports behind you* youwsewf vewy pwepostewouswy.
FOWD. O, undewstand my dwift. ^.^ She *moans* dwewws so secuwewy on the
excewwency of hew honyouw that the fowwy of my :33 souw dawes
nyot pwesent itsewf; she xDD is too *sighs* bwight to be w-wook'd *sighs* against.
Nyow, couwd I come to hew w-with *sighs* any detection in my hand,
my desiwes had ÚwÚ instance and awgument to commend themsewves;
I couwd dwive hew then f-fwom the wawd of hew ÚwÚ puwity,
hew weputation, hew mawwiage vow, and :3 a thousand othew hew
defences, which *pokes you* nyow awe too too s-stwongwy *looks at you* embattw'd against
me. What say :33 you to't, S-Siw J-John?
FAWSTAFF. M-Mastew Bwook, I wiww fiwst m-make bowd w-with youw
monyey; nyext, give me youw *sighs* hand; and uWu wast, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a UwU gentweman,
:33 you shaww, i-if :33 you wiww, e-enjoy Fowd's w-wife.
FOWD. uWu O good siw!
FAWSTAFF. I say :33 you shaww.
FOWD. Want nyo monyey, S-Siw John; :33 you shaww want nyonye.
FAWSTAFF. Want nyo Mistwess Fowd, M-Mastew Bwook; :33 you shaww
want nyonye. I shaww be w-with hew, I may t-teww you, by hew own
appointment; even as :33 you came in to me hew assistant, ow
*teleports behind you* go-between, pawted f-fwom me; I say I shaww be w-with hew between
ten and e-eweven; f-fow *teleports behind you* at that ;;w;; time the jeawous w-wascawwy
knyave, hew *twerks* husband, wiww be fowth. Come :33 you to me *teleports behind you* at
nyight; :33 you shaww knyow how I speed.
FOWD. I *giggles shyly* am bwest in youw *cuddles you* acquaintance. Do :33 you knyow Fowd,
OwO Siw?
FAWSTAFF. Hang him, poow cuckowdwy knyave! I knyow him
nyot; y-yet I wwong him to caww him poow; they say the
jeawous wittowwy knyave hath *hugs tightly* masses of monyey; f-fow the which
his w-wife seems to me weww-favouw'd. I wiww use hew as the
key of the cuckowdwy wogue's coffew; and thewe's my ^w^ hawvest-home.
FOWD. I wouwd :33 you knyew Fowd, siw, that :33 you might avoid him
i-if :33 you saw :33 him.
FAWSTAFF. Hang him, mechanyicaw sawt-buttew wogue! I wiww
stawe him out of his wits; I wiww awe him w-with my cudgew;
i-it shaww hang wike :3 a m-meteow o'ew the cuckowd's howns. M-Mastew
Bwook, thou shawt knyow I wiww pwedominyate uvw the
peasant, and thou shawt wie w-with his w-wife. Come to me soon *teleports behind you* at
nyight. Fowd's :3 a knyave, and I wiww *cuddles you* aggwavate his stywe; >w< thou,
M-Mastew Bwook, shawt knyow him f-fow knyave and cuckowd.
Come to me soon *teleports behind you* at nyight. E-Exit
FOWD. What :3 a OwO damn'd *blushes* Epicuwean w-wascaw xDD is this! My h-heawt xDD is
weady to cwack w-with impatience. Who says this xDD is impwovident
jeawousy? My w-wife hath sent to him; the houw xDD is fix'd;
the match xDD is made. Wouwd *sighs* any man *looks away* have thought *shuffles closer* this? >_> See
the heww of having :3 a fawse w-woman! My *looks away* bed shaww be *sighs* abus'd,
my coffews :3 wansack'd, my w-weputation gnyawn a-at; and I shaww
nyot onwy weceive this viwwainyous wwong, b-but s-stand undew the
adoption of abominyabwe tewms, and by him that does me
this wwong. *screams* Tewms! nyames! Amaimon sounds weww; Wucifew,
weww; Bawbason, weww; y-yet they awe deviws' a-additions, the nyames
of fiends. But c-cuckowd! Wittow! ^w^ Cuckowd! the d-deviw himsewf
hath nyot *looks at you* such :3 a nyame. Page xDD is an ass, :3 a secuwe ass; he wiww twust
his wife; he wiww nyot be jeawous; I wiww wathew twust :3 a Fweming
w-with my buttew, Pawson Hugh the Wewshman w-with my
*shuffles closer* cheese, an Iwishman w-with my aqua-vitae *screams* bottwe, ow :3 a thief to
wawk my ambwing *teleports behind you* gewding, than my w-wife w-with hewsewf. Then
she pwots, then she wuminyates, then she devises; and what
they think in theiw heawts they may effect, they wiww bweak
theiw heawts b-but they wiww effect. *teleports behind you* God be pwais'd f-fow my
jeawousy! Eweven o-o'cwock the houw. I wiww pwevent this, detect
my wife, be *sweats* weveng'd on Fawstaff, and waugh *teleports behind you* at Page.
I wiww ^w^ about it; bettew thwee houws too soon than :3 a minyute
too wate. ^-^ Fie, f-fie, fie! c-cuckowd! c-cuckowd! c-cuckowd! E-Exit




SCENyE 3.

A fiewd nyeaw *pokes you* Windsow

Entew CAIUS and WUGBY

*looks at you* CAIUS. Jack Wugby!
;;w;; WUGBY. OwO Siw?
*looks at you* CAIUS. Vat xDD is *leans over* de cwock, Jack?
;;w;; WUGBY. 'Tis past the houw, siw, that S-Siw Hugh p-pwomis'd to
m-meet.
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, he has save his :33 souw d-dat he xDD is nyo come; he has
pway his *sighs* Pibwe weww d-dat he xDD is nyo come; by g-gaw, Jack W-Wugby,
he xDD is dead awweady, i-if he be come.
;;w;; WUGBY. He xDD is wise, *teleports behind you* siw; he knyew youw wowship wouwd kiww
him i-if he came.
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, *leans over* de hewwing xDD is nyo dead so as I viww kiww :33 him. Take
youw wapiew, Jack; I viww t-teww :33 you how I viww kiww :33 him.
;;w;; WUGBY. A-Awas, siw, I cannyot fence!
*looks at you* CAIUS. V-Viwwainy, take youw wapiew.
;;w;; WUGBY. Fowbeaw; ^-^ hewe's company.

Entew HOST, xDD SHAWWOW, SWENDEW, and PAGE

HOST. B-Bwess thee, buwwy doctow!
SHAWWOW. Save you, M-Mastew Doctow Caius!
PAGE. Nyow, good M-Mastew Doctow!
SWENDEW. Give :33 you good mowwow, siw.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Vat be aww you, onye, two, twee, fouw, come fow?
HOST. To see thee *notices bulge* fight, to see thee foin, to see thee twavewse;
to see thee hewe, to see thee thewe; to see thee pass thy
punto, thy stock, thy wevewse, thy distance, thy montant.
Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my ÚwÚ Fwancisco? Ha,
buwwy! What says my Aescuwapius? my G-Gawen? my h-heawt
of ewdew? *looks away* Ha! xDD is he dead, buwwy stawe? Is he dead?
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, he xDD is *leans over* de cowawd Jack pwiest of *leans over* de wowwd; he xDD is
nyot show his face.
HOST. Thou awt :3 a Castawion-King-Uwinyaw. Hectow of Gweece,
my >_> boy!
*looks at you* CAIUS. I pway you, *hugs tightly* beaw witnyess that me *looks away* have stay :3 six ow
s-seven, t-two ^.^ twee houws f-fow him, and he xDD is nyo come.
SHAWWOW. He xDD is the wisew man, M-Mastew Doctow: he xDD is :3 a cuwew
of souws, and :33 you :3 a cuwew of bodies; i-if :33 you shouwd *notices bulge* fight,
:33 you go against the x3 haiw of youw pwofessions. Is i-it nyot twue,
M-Mastew Page?
PAGE. M-Mastew *twerks* Shawwow, :33 you *looks away* have *teleports behind you* youwsewf been :3 a g-gweat fightew,
t-though *pokes you* nyow :3 a man of peace.
SHAWWOW. *hugs tightly* Bodykins, M-Mastew *leans over* Page, t-though I *pokes you* nyow be o-owd, and
of the peace, i-if I see :3 a swowd out, my fingew itches to m-make
onye. *shuffles closer* Though we awe justices, and OwO doctows, and chuwchmen,
M-Mastew *leans over* Page, we *looks away* have some sawt of ouw youth in us; we awe
the sons of women, M-Mastew Page.
PAGE. 'Tis twue, M-Mastew *cries* Shawwow.
SHAWWOW. It wiww be found s-so, M-Mastew Page. M-Mastew Doctow
CAIUS, I come to fetch :33 you home. I *giggles shyly* am swown of the peace;
:33 you *looks away* have show'd *teleports behind you* youwsewf :3 a wise physician, and S-Siw Hugh
hath shown himsewf :3 a wise and *notices bulge* patient chuwchman. You
must go w-with me, M-Mastew Doctow.
HOST. Pawdon, Guest Justice. A wowd, Mounseuw *leans over* Mockwatew.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Mock-vatew! Vat xDD is d-dat?
HOST. Mockwatew, in ouw Engwish t-tongue, xDD is vawouw, buwwy.
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, then I *looks away* have as x3 much mockvatew as *leans over* de Engwishman.
Scuwvy *sweats* jack-dog p-pwiest! By g-gaw, me viww cut his eaws.
HOST. He wiww cwappew-cwaw thee *hugs tightly* tightwy, buwwy.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Cwappew-de-cwaw! Vat xDD is d-dat?
HOST. That is, he wiww m-make thee amends.
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, me do wook he shaww c-cwappew-de-cwaw me; fow,
by g-gaw, me viww *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
HOST. :33 And I wiww pwovoke him to't, ow w-wet him wag.
*looks at you* CAIUS. UwU Me tank :33 you f-fow dat.
HOST. And, moweuvw, buwwy-but fiwst: [Aside to the othews]
M-Mastew Guest, and M-Mastew *leans over* Page, and eke *cries* Cavaweiwo Swendew,
go :33 you thwough the town to Fwogmowe.
PAGE. [Aside] S-Siw Hugh xDD is thewe, xDD is he?
HOST. [Aside] He xDD is thewe. >_> See what humouw he xDD is i-in; and
I wiww bwing the ^w^ doctow ^w^ about by the fiewds. Wiww i-it do weww?
SHAWWOW. [Aside] We wiww do *hugs tightly* it.
PAGE, xDD SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW. Adieu, good M-Mastew Doctow.
Exeunt PAGE, xDD SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, me viww kiww *leans over* de p-pwiest; f-fow he speak f-fow :3 a *giggles shyly* jack-
an-ape to Annye Page.
HOST. Wet him d-die. Sheathe thy impatience; thwow cowd watew
on thy c-chowew; go ^w^ about the fiewds w-with me thwough Fwogmowe;
I wiww bwing thee whewe Mistwess Annye Page is, *teleports behind you* at :3 a :3 a
fawm-house, a-feasting; and thou shawt woo hew. *twerks* Cwied
;;w;; game! Said I weww?
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, me dank :33 you vow >_> dat; by g-gaw, I wuv y-you; and
I shaww pwocuwe-a :33 you *leans over* de good guest, *leans over* de eaww, *leans over* de knyight, *leans over* de
w-wowds, *leans over* de g-gentwemen, my patients.
HOST. Fow the which I wiww be thy advewsawy t-towawd Annye
Page. Said I weww?
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, 'tis good; veww *pokes you* said.
HOST. Wet us wag, then.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Come *teleports behind you* at my h-heews, Jack W-Wugby. Exeunt




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
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ACT III SCENyE 1.

A fiewd nyeaw Fwogmowe

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS and SIMPWE

EVANS. I pway :33 you nyow, good M-Mastew Swendew's s-sewving-man,
and fwiend Simpwe by youw nyame, which way *looks away* have :33 you
w-wook'd f-fow M-Mastew Caius, that c-cawws himsewf Doctow of
Physic?
SIMPWE. Mawwy, siw, the pittie-wawd, the pawk-wawd; evewy
way; *giggles shyly* owd *pokes you* Windsow w-way, and evewy way b-but the town w-way.
EVANS. I m-most fehementwy UwU desiwe :33 you :33 you wiww a-awso wook that
w-way.
SIMPWE. I wiww, Siw. E-Exit
EVANS. Pwess my souw, how fuww of chowwows I am, and twempwing
of m-mind! I shaww be gwad i-if he *looks away* have d-deceived me. How
mewanchowies I a-am! I wiww knyog his uwinyaws ^w^ about his knyave's
costawd when I *looks away* have *screams* goot oppowtunyities f-fow the owk. Pwess
my souw! [Sings]
To shawwow wivews, to *screams* whose fawws
Mewodious biwds sings madwigaws;
Thewe wiww we m-make ouw peds of woses,
:33 And :3 a thousand fwagwant posies.
To shawwow-
Mewcy on :33 me! I *looks away* have :3 a g-gweat dispositions to cwy. [Sings]
Mewodious biwds sing madwigaws-
Whenyas I *blushes* sat in Pabywon-
:33 And :3 a thousand v-vagwam posies.
To shawwow, etc.

We-entew SIMPWE

SIMPWE. Yondew he is, coming this w-way, S-Siw Hugh.
EVANS. He's wewcome. [Sings]
To shawwow wivews, to *screams* whose fawws-
H-Heaven pwospew the wight! What weapons xDD is he?
SIMPWE. *cuddles you* Nyo weapons, siw. Thewe comes my mastew, M-Mastew
*twerks* Shawwow, and uWu anyothew UwU gentweman, f-fwom Fwogmowe, uvw the
stiwe, this w-way.
EVANS. :33 Pway :33 you give me my g-gown; ow ewse keep i-it in youw
awms. [Takes out :3 a book]

Entew PAGE, xDD SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW

SHAWWOW. How nyow, M-Mastew Pawson! *pokes you* Good mowwow, good
S-Siw Hugh. Keep :3 a gamestew f-fwom the dice, and :3 a good :3 student
f-fwom his book, and i-it xDD is w-wondewfuw.
SWENDEW. [Aside] A-Ah, sweet Annye Page!
PAGE. Save you, good S-Siw Hugh!
EVANS. Pwess :33 you f-fwom his mewcy sake, aww of you!
SHAWWOW. *looks away* What, the swowd and the wowd! Do :33 you study
them both, M-Mastew Pawson?
PAGE. :33 And *leans over* youthfuw stiww, in youw doubwet and hose, this waw
w-wheumatic day!
EVANS. Thewe xDD is weasons and causes f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
PAGE. We awe come to :33 you to do :3 a good office, M-Mastew
Pawson.
EVANS. Fewy weww; what xDD is it?
PAGE. Yondew xDD is :3 a m-most wevewend UwU gentweman, w-who, bewike having
w-weceived wwong by some pewson, xDD is *teleports behind you* at m-most odds w-with
his own gwavity and patience that evew :33 you saw.
SHAWWOW. I *looks away* have wived fouwscowe x3 yeaws and upwawd; I nyevew
heawd :3 a man of his pwace, gwavity, and weawnying, so wide of
his own xDD wespect.
EVANS. What xDD is he?
PAGE. I think :33 you knyow him: M-Mastew Doctow Caius, the
wenyownyed >_> Fwench physician.
EVANS. Got's wiww and his passion of my heawt! I had as wief
:33 you wouwd t-teww me of :3 a m-mess of p-powwidge.
PAGE. Why?
EVANS. He has nyo mowe knyowwedge in Hibocwates and
Gawen, and he xDD is :3 a knyave besides-a *screams* cowawdwy knyave as :33 you
wouwd desiwes to be acquainted withaw.
PAGE. I wawwant you, he's the man shouwd fight w-with :33 him.
SWENDEW. [Aside] uWu O sweet Annye Page!
SHAWWOW. It *leans over* appeaws s-so, by his weapons. Keep them asundew;
hewe comes Doctow *teleports behind you* Caius.

Entew HOST, CAIUS, and WUGBY

PAGE. Nyay, good M-Mastew Pawson, keep in youw weapon.
SHAWWOW. S-So do you, good M-Mastew Doctow.
HOST. Disawm them, and w-wet them question; w-wet them keep
theiw wimbs *shuffles closer* whowe and hack ouw Engwish.
*looks at you* CAIUS. I pway you, wet-a me speak :3 a w-wowd w-with youw uWu eaw.
Vewefowe wiww :33 you nyot meet-a m-me?
EVANS. [Aside to CAIUS] :33 Pway :33 you use youw patience; in
good time.
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, :33 you awe *leans over* de cowawd, *leans over* de Jack dog, *twerks* John ape.
EVANS. [Aside to CAIUS] :33 Pway you, w-wet us nyot be
w-waughing-stocks to othew men's humouws; I UwU desiwe :33 you in
fwiendship, and I wiww onye way ow othew m-make :33 you amends.
[Awoud] I wiww knyog youw uwinyaws ^w^ about youw knyave's cogscomb
f-fow missing youw meetings and appointments.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Diabwe! Jack Wugby-minye Host *leans over* de J-Jawteew-have I
nyot stay f-fow him to kiww *notices bulge* him? Have I nyot, *teleports behind you* at *leans over* de pwace I did
appoint?
EVANS. As I *giggles shyly* am :3 a Chwistians souw, nyow, wook you, this xDD is the
pwace appointed. I-I'ww be judgment by minye host of the
Gawtew.
HOST. Peace, I say, Gawwia and Gauw, >_> Fwench and Wewsh,
souw-cuwew and b-body-cuwew.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Ay, d-dat xDD is vewy good! excewwent!
HOST. Peace, I say. Heaw minye host of the Gawtew. *screams* Am I
powitic? *giggles shyly* am I subtwe? *giggles shyly* am I :3 a Machiavew? Shaww I wose my
doctow? Nyo; he g-gives me the potions and the motions. Shaww I
wose my pawson, my pwiest, my S-Siw Hugh? Nyo; he g-gives me
the *twerks* pwuvwbs and the nyuvwbs. Give me thy hand, *twerks* tewwestwiaw;
so. Give me thy hand, cewestiaw; so. Boys of *blushes* awt, I *looks away* have
deceiv'd :33 you both; I *looks away* have *teleports behind you* diwected :33 you to wwong pwaces;
youw heawts awe mighty, youw skins awe w-whowe, and w-wet b-buwnt
sack be the issue. Come, way theiw *giggles shyly* swowds to uWu pawn. *sweats* Fowwow
me, wads of peace; fowwow, fowwow, fowwow.
SHAWWOW. Twust me, :3 a mad host. Fowwow, g-gentwemen, fowwow.
SWENDEW. [Aside] uWu O sweet Annye Page!
Exeunt aww b-but CAIUS and EVANS
*looks at you* CAIUS. Ha, do I pewceive d-dat? Have :33 you m-make-a *leans over* de sot of u-us,
ha, ha?
EVANS. T-This xDD is weww; he has xDD made us his vwouting-stog. I
UwU desiwe :33 you that we may be fwiends; and w-wet us knyog ouw pwains
>_> togethew to be wevenge on this >_> same s-scaww, *blushes* scuwvy, cogging
companyion, the host of the Gawtew.
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, w-with aww my heawt. He pwomise to bwing me
whewe xDD is Annye Page; by g-gaw, he deceive me too.
EVANS. Weww, I wiww smite his nyoddwes. :33 Pway :33 you fowwow.
Exeunt




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE 2.

The stweet in *pokes you* Windsow

Entew uWu MISTWESS PAGE and WOBIN

MWS. PAGE. Nyay, keep youw w-way, wittwe gawwant; :33 you wewe
wont to be :3 a fowwowew, b-but *pokes you* nyow :33 you awe :3 a weadew. >_> Whethew
had :33 you wathew wead minye eyes, ow ^-^ eye youw mastew's heews?
WOBIN. I had wathew, fowsooth, go befowe :33 you wike :3 a man than
fowwow him wike :3 a dwawf.
MWS. PAGE. O, :33 you awe :3 a fwattewing boy; *pokes you* nyow I see ^-^ you'ww be :3 a
couwtiew.

Entew :3 FOWD

FOWD. Weww :33 met, Mistwess Page. Whithew go you?
MWS. PAGE. Twuwy, siw, to see youw w-wife. Is she *teleports behind you* at home?
FOWD. Ay; and as idwe as she may hang togethew, f-fow want of
company. I think, i-if youw husbands wewe dead, :33 you t-two
wouwd mawwy.
MWS. PAGE. Be suwe of *leans over* that-two othew husbands.
FOWD. Whewe had :33 you this pwetty weathewcock?
MWS. PAGE. I cannyot t-teww what the xDD dickens his *leans over* nyame xDD is my
husband had him o-of. What do :33 you caww youw knyight's
nyame, *shuffles closer* siwwah?
WOBIN. S-Siw *twerks* John F-Fawstaff.
FOWD. S-Siw *twerks* John F-Fawstaff!
MWS. PAGE. He, he; I can nyevew hit on's nyame. Thewe xDD is *looks at you* such
:3 a weague between my good man and he! Is youw w-wife *teleports behind you* at
home indeed?
FOWD. Indeed she is.
MWS. PAGE. By youw weave, siw. I *giggles shyly* am sick tiww I see hew.
Exeunt MWS. PAGE and WOBIN
FOWD. Has Page *sighs* any bwains? Hath he *sighs* any eyes? Hath he *sighs* any
thinking? Suwe, they sweep; he hath nyo use of them. Why,
this boy wiww cawwy :3 a wettew twenty miwe as *sighs* easy as :3 a *sighs* cannyon
wiww shoot pointbwank twewve scowe. He pieces out his wife's
*teleports behind you* incwinyation; he g-gives hew fowwy motion and *notices bulge* advantage; and
*pokes you* nyow s-she's going to my wife, and F-Fawstaff's boy w-with hew. A
man may heaw this >_< show'w sing in the wind. :33 And F-Fawstaff's
boy w-with hew! *pokes you* Good pwots! They awe waid; and ouw wevowted
xDD wives shawe damnyation togethew. ^.^ Weww; I wiww take him,
then towtuwe my wife, pwuck the bowwowed veiw of modesty
f-fwom the so seeming Mistwess *leans over* Page, divuwge Page himsewf
f-fow :3 a secuwe and w-wiwfuw Actaeon; and to these viowent pwoceedings
aww my nyeighbouws shaww cwy aim. [-[Cwock s-stwikes]
The cwock g-gives me my cue, and my *cries* assuwance bids me
*cuddles you* seawch; thewe I shaww find F-Fawstaff. I shaww be wathew pwais'd
f-fow this than mock'd; f-fow i-it xDD is as positive as the eawth xDD is fiwm
that Fawstaff xDD is thewe. I wiww go.

Entew PAGE, xDD SHAWWOW, SWENDEW, HOST, SIW HUGH EVANS,
CAIUS, and WUGBY

xDD SHAWWOW, PAGE, &C. Weww :33 met, M-Mastew Fowd.
FOWD. Twust me, :3 a good knyot; I *looks away* have good c-cheew *teleports behind you* at home,
and I pway :33 you aww go w-with me.
SHAWWOW. I must *hugs tightly* excuse mysewf, M-Mastew Fowd.
SWENDEW. :33 And so must I, *teleports behind you* siw; we *looks away* have appointed to dinye w-with
Mistwess Annye, and I wouwd nyot bweak w-with hew f-fow mowe
monyey than I-I'ww speak o-of.
SHAWWOW. We *looks away* have wingew'd ^w^ about :3 a match between Annye
Page and my cousin Swendew, and this day we shaww *looks away* have
ouw a-answew.
SWENDEW. I hope I *looks away* have youw good wiww, fathew Page.
PAGE. You have, M-Mastew Swendew; I s-stand whowwy f-fow you. But
my wife, M-Mastew Doctow, xDD is f-fow :33 you a-awtogethew.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Ay, be-gaw; and *leans over* de maid xDD is *looks at you* wuv-a me; my nyuwsh-a
Quickwy t-teww me so mush.
HOST. What say :33 you to young M-Mastew Fenton? He capews,
he dances, he has eyes of y-youth, he xDD wwites vewses, he speaks
howiday, he smewws Apwiw and May; he wiww cawwy 't, he wiww
cawwy 't; 'tis in his buttons; he wiww cawwy 't.
PAGE. Nyot by my consent, I pwomise you. The gentweman xDD is
of nyo h-having: he kept *giggles shyly* company w-with the wiwd Pwince and
Poins; he xDD is of too high :3 a wegion, he knyows too much. Nyo,
he shaww nyot knyit :3 a *hugs tightly* knyot in his f-fowtunyes w-with the fingew of
my substance; i-if he take hew, w-wet him take hew :33 simpwy; the
weawth I *looks away* have waits on my consent, and my consent goes
nyot that w-way.
FOWD. I b-beseech you, heawtiwy, some of :33 you go home w-with me
to dinnyew: besides youw cheew, :33 you shaww *looks away* have spowt; I wiww
show :33 you :3 a monstew. M-Mastew Doctow, :33 you shaww go; so shaww
you, M-Mastew Page; and you, S-Siw Hugh.
SHAWWOW. Weww, fawe :33 you weww; we shaww *looks away* have the fweew
wooing *teleports behind you* at M-Mastew Page's. Exeunt SHAWWOW and SWENDEW
*looks at you* CAIUS. G-Go home, *twerks* John Wugby; I come a-anyon. E-Exit WUGBY
HOST. Faweweww, my *teleports behind you* heawts; I wiww to my honyest knyight
Fawstaff, and dwink canyawy w-with :33 him. E-Exit OwO HOST
FOWD. [Aside] I think I shaww dwink in pipe-winye fiwst w-with
:33 him. I-I'ww m-make him dance. Wiww :33 you go, gentwes?
AWW. Have w-with :33 you to see this monstew. Exeunt




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE 3.

FOWD'S h-house

Entew uWu MISTWESS :3 FOWD and uWu MISTWESS PAGE

MWS. FOWD. *looks away* What, John! what, Wobewt!
MWS. PAGE. Quickwy, quickwy! Is the buck-basket-
MWS. FOWD. I wawwant. *looks away* What, Wobin, I *blushes* say!

Entew SEWVANTS w-with :3 a basket

MWS. PAGE. Come, *giggles shyly* come, come.
MWS. FOWD. Hewe, set i-it down.
MWS. PAGE. Give youw men the chawge; we must be bwief.
MWS. FOWD. Mawwy, as I towd :33 you befowe, *twerks* John and *moans* Wobewt, be
weady hewe hawd by in the bwew-house; and when I suddenwy
caww you, come fowth, and, without *sighs* any pause ow
staggewing, take this basket on youw shouwdews. That donye,
twudge w-with i-it in aww *blushes* haste, and cawwy i-it among the whitstews
in ÚwÚ Datchet Mead, and thewe e-empty i-it in the muddy d-ditch
cwose by the Thames side.
Mws. PAGE. You wiww do it?
MWS. FOWD. I ha' towd them uvw and uvw; they w-wack nyo
diwection. Be gonye, and come when :33 you awe caww'd.
Exeunt SEWVANTS
MWS. PAGE. Hewe comes wittwe Wobin.

Entew WOBIN

MWS. FOWD. How nyow, my eyas-musket, what *notices bulge* nyews w-with
you?
WOBIN. My M-Mastew S-Siw *twerks* John xDD is come in *teleports behind you* at youw *looks at you* back-doow,
Mistwess Fowd, and *notices bulge* wequests youw company.
MWS. PAGE. You wittwe Jack-a-Went, *looks away* have :33 you been twue to us?
WOBIN. Ay, I-I'ww be swown. My mastew knyows nyot of youw
b-being hewe, and hath thweat'nyed to put me into evewwasting
wibewty, i-if I t-teww :33 you of it; f-fow he sweaws he'ww t-tuwn me a-away.
MWS. PAGE. Thou 'wt :3 a good boy; this s-secwecy of thinye shaww
be :3 a taiwow to thee, and shaww m-make thee :3 a nyew doubwet and
hose. I-I'ww go hide me.
MWS. FOWD. Do so. G-Go t-teww thy mastew I *giggles shyly* am awonye. [Exit
WOBIN] Mistwess *leans over* Page, w-wemembew :33 you youw ^.^ cue.
MWS. PAGE. I wawwant thee; i-if I do nyot a-act uWu it, hiss me.
E-Exit MWS. PAGE
MWS. FOWD. G-Go to, then; we'ww use this unwhowesome
humidity, this g-gwoss w-wat'wy pumpion; we'ww teach him to
knyow tuwtwes f-fwom jays.

Entew FAWSTAFF

FAWSTAFF. Have I *leans over* caught thee, my *pokes you* heavenwy jewew?
Why, *pokes you* nyow w-wet me die, f-fow I *looks away* have wiv'd wong enyough; this xDD is
the pewiod of my ambition. uWu O this bwessed x3 houw!
MWS. FOWD. uWu O sweet S-Siw John!
FAWSTAFF. Mistwess Fowd, I cannyot cog, I cannyot pwate,
Mistwess Fowd. Nyow shaww I sin in my wish; I wouwd thy
husband wewe dead; I-I'ww speak i-it befowe the best wowd, I
wouwd m-make thee my :33 wady.
MWS. FOWD. I youw wady, S-Siw J-John? A-Awas, I shouwd be :3 a pitifuw
:33 wady.
FAWSTAFF. Wet the couwt of *giggles shyly* Fwance show me *looks at you* such anyothew. I
see how thinye ^-^ eye wouwd emuwate the diamond; thou hast
the wight awched beauty of the bwow that becomes the
ship-tiwe, the tiwe-vawiant, ow *sighs* any tiwe of Venyetian admittance.
MWS. FOWD. A pwain kewchief, S-Siw John; my bwows become
nyothing ewse, *pokes you* nyow that weww nyeithew.
FAWSTAFF. By the Wowd, thou awt :3 a tywant to say so; thou
w-wouwdst m-make an absowute couwtiew, and the fiwm >w< fixtuwe of
thy foot wouwd give an excewwent motion to thy gait in :3 a
semi-ciwcwed fawthingawe. I see what thou wewt, i-if Fowtunye
thy f-foe wewe, nyot Nyatuwe, thy fwiend. Come, thou c-canst nyot
hide *hugs tightly* it.
MWS. FOWD. Bewieve me, thewe's nyo *looks at you* such thing in me.
FAWSTAFF. What xDD made me wuv thee? Wet that pewsuade thee
thewe's something extwa-owdinyawy in *cuddles you* thee. Come, I cannyot
cog, and say thou awt this and t-that, wike :3 a many of these
wisping x3 hawthown-buds that come wike women in men's
appawew, and smeww wike uWu Buckwewsbuwy in simpwe time; I
cannyot; b-but I wuv thee, nyonye b-but thee; and thou desewv'st *hugs tightly* it.
MWS. FOWD. Do nyot betway me, *teleports behind you* siw; I feaw :33 you wuv Mistwess
Page.
FAWSTAFF. Thou m-mightst as weww say I wuv to wawk by the
Countew-gate, which xDD is as hatefuw to me as the week of :3 a
wime-kiwn.
MWS. FOWD. Weww, heaven knyows how I wuv y-you; and :33 you
shaww onye day find *hugs tightly* it.
FAWSTAFF. Keep in that mind; I-I'ww d-desewve *hugs tightly* it.
MWS. FOWD. Nyay, I must t-teww you, so :33 you do; ow ewse I couwd
nyot be in that *blushes* mind.
WOBIN. [Within] Mistwess Fowd, Mistwess Fowd! ^-^ hewe's
Mistwess Page *teleports behind you* at the doow, sweating and bwowing and wooking
wiwdwy, and wouwd nyeeds speak w-with :33 you p-pwesentwy.
FAWSTAFF. ^.^ She shaww nyot see me; I wiww ensconce me behind
the awwas.
MWS. FOWD. :33 Pway you, do so; s-she's :3 a vewy tattwing ^w^ woman.
xDD [FAWSTAFF hides himsewf]

We-entew uWu MISTWESS PAGE and WOBIN

What's the mattew? How *giggles shyly* nyow!
MWS. PAGE. uWu O Mistwess Fowd, what *looks away* have :33 you donye? You'we
sham'd, y'awe uvwthwown, y'awe undonye f-fow evew.
MWS. FOWD. What's the mattew, good Mistwess Page?
MWS. PAGE. uWu O weww-a-day, Mistwess Fowd, having an honyest
man to youw *twerks* husband, to give him *looks at you* such cause of suspicion!
MWS. FOWD. What cause of suspicion?
MWS. PAGE. What cause of suspicion? Out upon you, how
*giggles shyly* am I m-mistook in you!
MWS. FOWD. Why, awas, w-what's the mattew?
MWS. PAGE. Youw husband's coming h-hithew, woman, w-with aww
the officews in Windsow, to seawch f-fow :3 a gentweman that he
says xDD is hewe *pokes you* nyow in the house, by youw consent, to take an
iww advantage of his absence. You awe undonye.
MWS. FOWD. 'Tis nyot s-so, I hope.
MWS. PAGE. :33 Pway heaven i-it be nyot so that :33 you *looks away* have *looks at you* such :3 a
man hewe; b-but 'tis m-most cewtain youw husband's coming,
w-with *looks at you* hawf *pokes you* Windsow *teleports behind you* at his h-heews, to seawch f-fow *looks at you* such :3 a onye. I
come befowe to t-teww you. I-If :33 you knyow *teleports behind you* youwsewf cweaw, why,
I *giggles shyly* am gwad of it; b-but i-if :33 you *looks away* have :3 a fwiend hewe, convey,
convey him out. Be nyot *leans over* amaz'd; caww aww youw senses to y-you;
defend youw weputation, ow *giggles shyly* bid f-faweweww to youw good w-wife
f-fow evew.
MWS. FOWD. What shaww I do? Thewe xDD is :3 a UwU gentweman, my deaw
fwiend; and I feaw nyot minye own :33 shame as x3 much as his pewiw.
I had wathew than :3 a thousand pound he wewe out of the
house.
MWS. PAGE. Fow shame, nyevew s-stand 'you had wathew' and 'you
had wathew'! Youw husband's hewe *teleports behind you* at *sighs* hand; bethink :33 you of
some conveyance; in the h-house :33 you cannyot hide :33 him. O,
how *looks away* have :33 you deceiv'd :33 me! Wook, hewe xDD is :3 a basket; i-if he be
of *sighs* any weasonyabwe statuwe, he may cweep in hewe; and thwow
fouw winyen upon him, as i-if i-it wewe going to bucking, *pokes you* ow-it xDD is
whiting-time-send him by youw t-two men to ÚwÚ Datchet
Mead.
MWS. FOWD. He's too big to go in thewe. What shaww I do?
FAWSTAFF. [Coming fowwawd] Wet me see 't, w-wet me see 't. O,
w-wet me see 't! I-I'ww in, I-I'ww i-in; fowwow youw fwiend's counsew;
I-I'ww i-in.
MWS. PAGE. *looks away* What, S-Siw *twerks* John F-Fawstaff! [Aside to FAWSTAFF]
Awe these youw w-wettews, knyight?
FAWSTAFF. [Aside to MWS. PAGE] I wuv thee and nyonye b-but
thee; h-hewp me a-away.-Wet me cweep in hewe; I-I'ww nyevew-
[-[Gets into the basket; they cuvw him w-with fouw w-winyen]
MWS. PAGE. H-Hewp to cuvw youw mastew, boy. Caww youw men,
Mistwess Fowd. You dissembwing k-knyight!
MWS. FOWD. *looks away* What, John! Wobewt! John! E-Exit WOBIN

We-entew SEWVANTS

Go, take up these cwothes hewe, quickwy; *sweats* whewe's the
coww-staff? Wook how :33 you d-dwumbwe. Cawwy them to the waundwess
in ÚwÚ Datchet ^.^ Mead; quickwy, come.

Entew FOWD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIW HUGH EVANS

FOWD. :33 Pway :33 you come nyeaw. I-If I suspect without cause, why
then m-make OwO spowt *teleports behind you* at me, then w-wet me be youw jest; I d-desewve
*hugs tightly* it. How nyow, whithew *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you *shuffles closer* this?
SEWVANT. To the waundwess, f-fowsooth.
MWS. FOWD. Why, what *looks away* have :33 you to do whithew they *hugs tightly* beaw it?
You wewe best meddwe w-with buck-washing.
FOWD. Buck? I wouwd I couwd wash mysewf of the buck!
Buck, buck, buck! ^.^ ay, buck! I wawwant you, buck; and of
the season too, i-it shaww appeaw. [Exeunt SEWVANTS w-with
basket] Gentwemen, I *looks away* have d-dweam'd to-nyight; I-I'ww t-teww :33 you my
d-dweam. Hewe, hewe, hewe be my *shuffles closer* keys; ascend my chambews,
seawch, seek, find out. I-I'ww wawwant we'ww unkennyew the fox.
Wet me stop this way fiwst. [Wocking the doow] S-So, *pokes you* nyow
u-uncape.
PAGE. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew Fowd, be :3 contented; :33 you wwong *teleports behind you* youwsewf
too much.
FOWD. Twue, M-Mastew Page. x3 Up, g-gentwemen, :33 you shaww see OwO spowt
*blushes* anyon; fowwow me, gentwemen. E-Exit
EVANS. T-This xDD is fewy fantasticaw *sweats* humouws and j-jeawousies.
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, 'tis nyo the fashion of Fwance; i-it xDD is nyot jeawous
in *twerks* Fwance.
PAGE. Nyay, fowwow him, gentwemen; see the issue of his
seawch. Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS
MWS. PAGE. Is thewe nyot :3 a *looks away* doubwe excewwency in *shuffles closer* this?
MWS. FOWD. I knyow nyot which pweases me bettew, that my
husband xDD is deceived, ow S-Siw John.
MWS. PAGE. What :3 a taking w-was he in when youw husband
ask'd who w-was in the basket!
MWS. FOWD. I *giggles shyly* am *looks at you* hawf afwaid he wiww *looks away* have nyeed of >w< washing; so
thwowing him into the watew wiww do him :3 a benyefit.
MWS. PAGE. Hang him, UwU dishonyest wascaw! I wouwd aww of the
>_> same stwain wewe in the >_> same d-distwess.
MWS. FOWD. I think my husband hath some speciaw suspicion
of F-Fawstaff's b-being hewe, f-fow I nyevew saw him so g-gwoss in his
jeawousy tiww nyow.
MWS. PAGE. I Wiww way :3 a pwot to twy t-that, and we wiww y-yet *looks away* have
mowe twicks w-with F-Fawstaff. His *looks at you* dissowute disease wiww scawce
>_> obey this medicinye.
MWS. FOWD. Shaww we s-send that f-foowish c-cawwion, Mistwess
Quickwy, to him, and *hugs tightly* excuse his thwowing into the watew,
and give him uWu anyothew hope, to betway him to uWu anyothew
punyishment?
MWS. PAGE. We wiww do it; w-wet him be sent f-fow to-mowwow
eight o'cwock, to *looks away* have amends.

We-entew FOWD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIW HUGH EVANS

FOWD. I cannyot find him; may be the knyave bwagg'd of that
he couwd nyot compass.
MWS. PAGE. [Aside to MWS. F-FOWD] Heawd :33 you that?
MWS. FOWD. You use me weww, M-Mastew Fowd, do you?
FOWD. Ay, I do so.
MWS. FOWD. H-Heaven m-make :33 you bettew than youw thoughts!
FOWD. *blushes* Amen.
MWS. PAGE. You do *teleports behind you* youwsewf >w< mighty wwong, M-Mastew Fowd.
FOWD. Ay, ay; I must *hugs tightly* beaw *hugs tightly* it.
EVANS. I-If thewe be *sighs* any pody in the house, and in the
chambews, and in the coffews, and in the pwesses, heaven fowgive
my sins *teleports behind you* at the day of judgment!
*looks at you* CAIUS. Be g-gaw, *pokes you* nyow I too; thewe xDD is nyo bodies.
PAGE. ^-^ Fie, f-fie, M-Mastew Fowd, awe :33 you nyot asham'd? What
*screams* spiwit, what d-deviw s-suggests this imaginyation? I wouwd nyot ha'
youw distempew in this kind f-fow the weawth of *pokes you* Windsow
Castwe.
FOWD. 'Tis my fauwt, M-Mastew Page; I suffew f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
EVANS. You suffew f-fow :3 a pad conscience. Youw w-wife xDD is as
honyest :3 a o-omans as I wiww desiwes among f-five thousand, and f-five
hundwed too.
*looks at you* CAIUS. By g-gaw, I see 'tis an honyest ^w^ woman.
FOWD. Weww, I p-pwomis'd :33 you :3 a d-dinnyew. Come, *giggles shyly* come, wawk in
the P-Pawk. I pway :33 you pawdon me; I wiww heweaftew m-make
knyown to :33 you why I *looks away* have d-donye this. Come, wife, *giggles shyly* come,
Mistwess Page; I pway :33 you pawdon me; pway heawtwy,
pawdon me.
PAGE. Wet's go in, gentwemen; but, twust me, we'ww m-mock :33 him.
I do invite :33 you to-mowwow ^-^ mownying to my h-house to bweakfast;
aftew, we'ww *sighs* a-biwding togethew; I *looks away* have :3 a *screams* finye hawk f-fow
the bush. Shaww i-it be so?
FOWD. Any thing.
EVANS. I-If thewe xDD is onye, I shaww m-make t-two in the company.
*looks at you* CAIUS. I-If thewe be onye ow two, I shaww m-make-a the tuwd.
FOWD. :33 Pway :33 you go, M-Mastew Page.
EVANS. I pway :33 you nyow, wemembwance to-mowwow on the
wousy knyave, minye host.
*looks at you* CAIUS. Dat xDD is good; by g-gaw, w-with aww my heawt.
EVANS. A wousy knyave, to *looks away* have his gibes and his m-mockewies!
Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

Befowe P-PAGE'S h-house

Entew *cuddles you* FENTON and ANNyE PAGE

FENTON. I see I cannyot get thy fathew's wuv;
Thewefowe nyo mowe t-tuwn me to him, sweet ^.^ Nyan.
ANNyE. A-Awas, how then?
FENTON. Why, thou must be thysewf.
He doth object I *giggles shyly* am too g-gweat of biwth;
:33 And t-that, my state b-being gaww'd w-with my expense,
I seek to heaw i-it onwy by his weawth.
Besides these, othew baws he ways befowe me,
My wiots xDD past, my wiwd societies;
:33 And tewws me 'tis :3 a thing i-impossibwe
I shouwd wuv thee b-but as :3 a >w< pwopewty.
A-ANNyE.. May be he tewws :33 you twue.
FENTON. Nyo, heaven so speed me in my ;;w;; time to come!
Awbeit I wiww confess thy fathew's weawth
Was the fiwst motive that I woo'd thee, Annye;
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of mowe vawue
Than stamps in gowd, ow sums in seawed bags;
:33 And 'tis the vewy wiches of thysewf
That *pokes you* nyow I aim at.
ANNyE. Gentwe M-Mastew F-Fenton,
Yet seek my fathew's wuv; ^-^ stiww seek uWu it, siw.
I-If oppowtunyity and *pokes you* humbwest suit
Cannyot attain uWu it, why t-then-hawk :33 you hithew.
[-[They c-convewse apawt]

Entew xDD SHAWWOW, SWENDEW, and uWu MISTWESS QUICKWY

SHAWWOW. Bweak theiw tawk, Mistwess Quickwy; my kinsman
shaww speak f-fow himsewf.
SWENDEW. I-I'ww m-make :3 a shaft ow :3 a bowt on 't; uWu 'swid, 'tis b-but
ventuwing.
SHAWWOW. Be nyot dismay'd.
SWENDEW. Nyo, she shaww nyot dismay me. I cawe nyot f-fow t-that,
b-but that I *giggles shyly* am afeawd.
QUICKWY. H-Hawk y-ye, M-Mastew Swendew wouwd speak :3 a w-wowd
w-with you.
ANNyE. I come to :33 him. [Aside] T-This xDD is my fathew's choice.
O, what :3 a >_> wowwd of viwe iww-favouw'd *cuddles you* fauwts
W-Wooks handsome in thwee hundwed ÚwÚ pounds :3 a yeaw!
QUICKWY. :33 And how does good M-Mastew Fenton? :33 Pway you, :3 a
w-wowd w-with you.
SHAWWOW. She's coming; to hew, c-coz. uWu O boy, thou h-hadst :3 a
fathew!
SWENDEW. I had :3 a fathew, Mistwess Annye; my u-uncwe can t-teww
:33 you good jests of :33 him. :33 Pway you, uncwe, t-teww Mistwess Annye
the j-jest how my fathew stowe t-two geese out of :3 a pen, good
^-^ uncwe.
SHAWWOW. Mistwess Annye, my cousin wuvs you.
SWENDEW. Ay, that I do; as weww as I wuv *sighs* any woman in
:3 Gwoucestewshiwe.
SHAWWOW. He wiww maintain :33 you wike :3 a gentwewoman.
SWENDEW. Ay, that I wiww come cut and wongtaiw, undew the
degwee of :3 a squiwe.
SHAWWOW. He wiww m-make :33 you :3 a hundwed and fifty ÚwÚ pounds
jointuwe.
ANNyE. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew *twerks* Shawwow, w-wet him woo f-fow himsewf.
SHAWWOW. Mawwy, I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow it; I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow that
good comfowt. ^.^ She c-cawws you, coz; I-I'ww weave you.
ANNyE. Nyow, M-Mastew Swendew-
SWENDEW. Nyow, good Mistwess A-Annye-
ANNyE. What xDD is youw wiww?
SWENDEW. My Wiww! 'Od's *looks away* heawtwings, that's :3 a pwetty j-jest
indeed! I nye'ew xDD made my wiww yet, I *notices bulge* thank heaven; I *giggles shyly* am nyot
*looks at you* such :3 a sickwy cweatuwe, I give heaven pwaise.
ANNyE. I mean, M-Mastew Swendew, what wouwd :33 you w-with m-me?
SWENDEW. Twuwy, f-fow minye own pawt I wouwd wittwe ow nyothing
w-with you. Youw fathew and my u-uncwe hath xDD made ^-^ motions;
i-if i-it be my w-wuck, so; i-if nyot, ^.^ happy man be his dowe! They
can t-teww :33 you how *moans* things go bettew than I can. You may ask
youw fathew; hewe he comes.

Entew PAGE and uWu MISTWESS PAGE

PAGE. Nyow, M-Mastew Swendew! Wuv him, daughtew A-Annye-
Why, how nyow, what does M-Mastew Fenton hewe?
You wwong me, siw, uWu thus ^-^ stiww to haunt my house.
I towd you, siw, my daughtew xDD is dispos'd o-of.
FENTON. Nyay, M-Mastew *leans over* Page, be nyot impatient.
MWS. PAGE. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew F-Fenton, come nyot to my *teleports behind you* chiwd.
PAGE. ^.^ She xDD is nyo match f-fow you.
FENTON. Siw, wiww :33 you heaw m-me?
PAGE. Nyo, good M-Mastew Fenton.
Come, M-Mastew ^w^ Shawwow; *giggles shyly* come, son Swendew; i-in.
Knyowing my mind, :33 you wwong me, M-Mastew Fenton.
Exeunt PAGE, xDD SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW
QUICKWY. Speak to Mistwess Page.
FENTON. *pokes you* Good Mistwess *leans over* Page, f-fow that I wuv youw daughtew
In *looks at you* such :3 a wighteous fashion as I do,
Pewfowce, against aww ^.^ checks, webukes, and mannyews,
I must *screams* advance the *teleports behind you* cowouws of my OwO wuv,
:33 And nyot w-wetiwe. Wet me *looks away* have youw good wiww.
ANNyE. *pokes you* Good mothew, do nyot m-mawwy me to yond foow.
MWS. PAGE. I m-mean i-it nyot; I seek :33 you :3 a bettew h-husband.
QUICKWY. That's my mastew, M-Mastew Doctow.
ANNyE. A-Awas, I had wathew be set quick i' *sighs* th' eawth.
:33 And *looks away* boww'd to death w-with tuwnyips.
MWS. PAGE. Come, twoubwe nyot *sweats* youwsewf. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew
F-Fenton,
I wiww nyot be youw fwiend, *pokes you* nyow *looks away* enyemy;
My daughtew wiww I q-question how she wuvs you,
:33 And as I find hew, so *giggles shyly* am I a-affected;
Tiww then, *teleports behind you* faweweww, *teleports behind you* siw; she must nyeeds go i-in;
Hew fathew wiww be angwy.
FENTON. Faweweww, gentwe mistwess; *teleports behind you* faweweww, ^.^ Nyan.
Exeunt MWS. PAGE and ANNyE
QUICKWY. T-This xDD is my doing nyow: 'Nyay,' said I 'wiww :33 you cast
away youw chiwd on :3 a foow, and :3 a physician? Wook on
M-Mastew Fenton.' T-This xDD is my doing.
FENTON. I *notices bulge* thank thee; and I pway thee, *screams* once to-nyight
Give my sweet *giggles shyly* Nyan this wing. T-Thewe's f-fow thy pains.
QUICKWY. Nyow H-Heaven s-send thee good fowtunye! [Exit
FENTON] A kind h-heawt he hath; :3 a woman wouwd wun thwough
fiwe and watew f-fow *looks at you* such :3 a kind heawt. But y-yet I wouwd my
mastew had Mistwess Annye; ow I wouwd M-Mastew Swendew had
hew; ow, in sooth, I wouwd M-Mastew Fenton had hew; I wiww
do what I can f-fow them aww thwee, f-fow so I *looks away* have pwomis'd,
and I-I'ww be as good as my wowd; b-but speciouswy f-fow M-Mastew
Fenton. Weww, I must of uWu anyothew ewwand to S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff
f-fwom my t-two mistwesses. What :3 a beast *giggles shyly* am I to swack i-it!
E-Exit




SCENyE 5.

The Gawtew Inn

Entew FAWSTAFF and B-BAWDOWPH

FAWSTAFF. Bawdowph, I *blushes* say!
BAWDOWPH. Hewe, siw.
FAWSTAFF. G-Go fetch me :3 a quawt of sack; put :3 a toast in 't.
E-Exit B-BAWDOWPH
Have I wiv'd to be cawwied in :3 a *teleports behind you* basket, wike :3 a b-bawwow of
butchew's offaw, and to be thwown in the Thames? Weww, i-if
I be sewv'd *looks at you* such uWu anyothew twick, I-I'ww *looks away* have my UwU bwains ta'en out
and buttew'd, and give them to :3 a x3 dog f-fow :3 a nyew-yeaw's g-gift.
The ^-^ wogues swighted me into the >_> wivew w-with as wittwe wemowse
as they wouwd *looks away* have dwown'd :3 a bwind x3 bitch's p-puppies, fifteen
i' *sighs* th' w-wittew; and :33 you may knyow by my *twerks* size that I *looks away* have
:3 a kind of *looks away* awacwity in sinking; i-if the bottom wewe as deep as
heww I shouwd down. I had been dwown'd b-but that the *sweats* showe
w-was >w< shewvy and s-shawwow-a death that I :33 abhow; f-fow the watew
swewws :3 a man; and what :3 a thing shouwd I *looks away* have been when
had been sweww'd! I shouwd *looks away* have been :3 a mountain of
m-mummy.

We-entew BAWDOWPH, w-with sack

BAWDOWPH. Hewe's Mistwess Quickwy, siw, to speak w-with :33 you
FAWSTAFF. Come, w-wet me pouw in some sack to the Thames
w-watew; f-fow my bewwy's as cowd as i-if I had swawwow'd
OwO snyowbawws f-fow uWu piwws to coow the weins. Caww hew i-in.
BAWDOWPH. Come in, ^w^ woman.

Entew uWu MISTWESS QUICKWY

QUICKWY. By youw w-weave; I cwy :33 you mewcy. Give youw
wowship good mowwow.
FAWSTAFF. Take away these chawices. Go, bwew me :3 a pottwe
of sack finyewy.
BAWDOWPH. With eggs, siw?
FAWSTAFF. Simpwe of itsewf; I-I'ww nyo puwwet-spewm in my
bwewage. [Exit BAWDOWPH] How *giggles shyly* nyow!
QUICKWY. Mawwy, siw, I come to youw wowship f-fwom Mistwess
Fowd.
FAWSTAFF. Mistwess Fowd! I *looks away* have had fowd enyough; I w-was
thwown into the fowd; I *looks away* have my bewwy fuww of fowd.
QUICKWY. Awas the :3 day, good h-heawt, that w-was nyot hew fauwt!
^.^ She does so take on w-with hew m-men; they m-mistook theiw
ewection.
FAWSTAFF. S-So did I minye, to buiwd upon :3 a f-foowish woman's
pwomise.
QUICKWY. Weww, she w-waments, siw, f-fow uWu it, that i-it wouwd yeawn
youw h-heawt to see *hugs tightly* it. Hew husband goes this ^-^ mownying
a-biwding; she desiwes :33 you *screams* once mowe to come to hew between
eight and n-nyinye; I must cawwy hew w-wowd quickwy. S-She'ww m-make
:33 you amends, I wawwant you.
FAWSTAFF. Weww, I Wiww visit hew. Teww hew so; and *giggles shyly* bid hew
think what :3 a man is. Wet hew considew his fwaiwty, and then
judge of my mewit.
QUICKWY. I wiww t-teww hew.
FAWSTAFF. Do so. Between n-nyinye and ten, say'st thou?
QUICKWY. Eight and nyinye, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Weww, be gonye; I wiww nyot miss hew.
QUICKWY. Peace be w-with you, siw. E-Exit
FAWSTAFF. I mawvew I heaw nyot of M-Mastew Bwook; he sent me
w-wowd to stay within. I wike his monyey weww. O, hewe he
comes.

Entew :3 FOWD disguised

FOWD. B-Bwess you, siw!
FAWSTAFF. Nyow, M-Mastew Bwook, :33 you come to knyow what
hath pass'd between me and Fowd's w-wife?
FOWD. That, i-indeed, S-Siw John, xDD is my businyess.
FAWSTAFF. M-Mastew Bwook, I wiww nyot wie to y-you; I w-was *teleports behind you* at hew
h-house the houw she appointed me.
FOWD. :33 And sped you, siw?
FAWSTAFF. Vewy iww-favouwedwy, M-Mastew Bwook.
FOWD. How s-so, *teleports behind you* siw; did she change hew detewminyation?
FAWSTAFF. Nyo. M-Mastew Bwook; b-but the peaking cownyuto hew
*twerks* husband, M-Mastew Bwook, dwewwing in :3 a continyuaw 'wawum of
jeawousy, comes me in the *sweats* instant of ouw, encountew, *looks away* aftew
we had embwac'd, k-kiss'd, pwotested, and, as i-it wewe, spoke
the p-pwowogue of ouw comedy; and *teleports behind you* at his *notices bulge* heews :3 a wabbwe of his
companyions, thithew pwovoked and i-instigated by his
distempew, and, fowsooth, to seawch his h-house f-fow his wife's
wuv.
FOWD. *looks away* What, w-whiwe :33 you wewe thewe?
FAWSTAFF. Whiwe I w-was thewe.
FOWD. :33 And did he seawch f-fow you, and couwd nyot find you?
FAWSTAFF. You shaww heaw. As good wuck wouwd *looks away* have uWu it, comes
in onye Mistwess *leans over* Page, g-gives intewwigence of Fowd's appwoach;
and, in hew invention and Fowd's wife's distwaction, they
convey'd me into :3 a buck-basket.
FOWD. A buck-basket!
FAWSTAFF. By the Wowd, :3 a buck-basket! Wamm'd me in w-with
fouw shiwts and OwO smocks, socks, fouw s-stockings, gweasy
nyapkins, t-that, M-Mastew Bwook, thewe w-was the wankest compound
of viwwainyous smeww that evew offended nyostwiw.
FOWD. :33 And how wong way :33 you thewe?
FAWSTAFF. Nyay, :33 you shaww h-heaw, M-Mastew Bwook, what I *looks away* have
suffew'd to bwing this woman to eviw f-fow youw good. :3 Being
uWu thus :33 cwamm'd in the *teleports behind you* basket, :3 a coupwe of Fowd's knyaves, his
hinds, wewe caww'd fowth by theiw mistwess to cawwy me in
the *leans over* nyame of fouw cwothes to ÚwÚ Datchet Wanye; they t-took me on
theiw shouwdews; met the jeawous knyave theiw mastew in the
doow; who ask'd them *screams* once ow twice what they had in theiw
basket. I quak'd f-fow feaw west the *sweats* wunyatic knyave wouwd *looks away* have
seawch'd it; b-but Fate, o-owdainying he shouwd be :3 a cuckowd,
hewd his hand. Weww, on went he f-fow :3 a seawch, and away
went I f-fow fouw cwothes. But mawk the sequew, M-Mastew
x3 Bwook-I suffewed the pangs of thwee sevewaw deaths: *twerks* fiwst,
an i-intowewabwe ^.^ fwight to be detected w-with :3 a jeawous wotten
*cuddles you* beww-wethew; nyext, to be c-compass'd wike :3 a good biwbo in the
ciwcumfewence of :3 a *cuddles you* peck, hiwt to point, *screams* heew to head; and
then, to be stopp'd in, wike :3 a stwong distiwwation, w-with
stinking cwothes that fwetted in theiw own gwease. Think of that
-a man of my >_> kidnyey. Think of that-that *giggles shyly* am as subject to
heat as buttew; :3 a man of continyuaw *sighs* dissowution and thaw. It
w-was :3 a m-miwacwe to scape suffocation. :33 And in the height of
this *giggles shyly* bath, when I w-was mowe than hawf-stew'd in g-gwease, wike
:3 a Dutch dish, to be thwown into the Thames, and coow'd,
gwowing hot, in that suwge, wike :3 a howse-shoe; think of that
-hissing hot. Think of t-that, M-Mastew Bwook.
FOWD. In good sadnyess, siw, I *giggles shyly* am sowwy that f-fow my sake :33 you
*looks away* have suffew'd aww this. My suit, then, xDD is despewate;
^-^ you'ww :33 undewtake hew nyo mowe.
FAWSTAFF. M-Mastew Bwook, I wiww be thwown into Etnya, as I
*looks away* have been into Thames, ewe I wiww weave hew t-thus. Hew
husband xDD is this ^-^ mownying gonye a-biwding; I *looks away* have w-weceived f-fwom
hew uWu anyothew *giggles shyly* embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and n-nyinye xDD is
the houw, M-Mastew Bwook.
FOWD. 'Tis past eight awweady, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Is it? I Wiww then addwess me to my appointment.
Come to me *teleports behind you* at youw c-convenyient weisuwe, and :33 you shaww
knyow how I speed; and the concwusion shaww be cwownyed
w-with youw enjoying hew. Adieu. You shaww *looks away* have hew, M-Mastew
Bwook; M-Mastew Bwook, :33 you shaww cuckowd Fowd. E-Exit
FOWD. Hum! ha! Is this :3 a vision? Is this :3 a dweam? Do I sweep?
M-Mastew Fowd, awake; awake, M-Mastew Fowd. T-Thewe's :3 a howe
xDD made in youw best coat, M-Mastew Fowd. T-This 'tis to be
mawwied; this 'tis to *looks away* have winyen and buck-baskets! Weww, I wiww
pwocwaim mysewf what I am; I wiww *pokes you* nyow take the *hugs tightly* wechew; he
xDD is *teleports behind you* at my house. He cannyot scape me; 'tis i-impossibwe he
shouwd; he cannyot cweep into :3 a hawfpenny *cries* puwse *pokes you* nyow into
:3 a peppew box. But, west the d-deviw that guides him shouwd a-aid
him, I wiww seawch i-impossibwe pwaces. *shuffles closer* Though what I *giggles shyly* am I
cannyot ^w^ avoid, y-yet to be what I wouwd nyot shaww nyot m-make
me *teleports behind you* tame. I-If I *looks away* have howns to m-make onye m-mad, w-wet the pwuvwb
go w-with me-I'ww be hown mad. E-Exit




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.

Windsow. A stweet

Entew uWu MISTWESS PAGE, uWu MISTWESS QUICKWY, and W-WIWWIAM

MWS. PAGE. Is he *teleports behind you* at M-Mastew Fowd's awweady, think'st thou?
QUICKWY. Suwe he xDD is by this; ow wiww be p-pwesentwy; b-but twuwy
he xDD is vewy couwageous mad ^w^ about his thwowing into the
watew. Mistwess Fowd desiwes :33 you to come suddenwy.
MWS. PAGE. I-I'ww be w-with hew by and ^w^ by; I-I'ww b-but bwing my
young man hewe to schoow. Wook whewe his mastew comes;
'tis :3 a pwaying :3 day, I see.

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS

How nyow, S-Siw Hugh, nyo schoow to-day?
EVANS. Nyo; M-Mastew Swendew xDD is w-wet the boys weave to pway.
QUICKWY. Bwessing of his heawt!
MWS. PAGE. S-Siw Hugh, my husband says my son pwofits
nyothing in the >_> wowwd *teleports behind you* at his book; I pway :33 you ask him some
questions in his accidence.
EVANS. Come h-hithew, Wiwwiam; howd up youw head; come.
MWS. PAGE. Come on, siwwah; howd up youw head; a-answew youw
mastew; be nyot afwaid.
EVANS. W-Wiwwiam, how many nyumbews xDD is in nyouns?
WIWWIAM. Two.
QUICKWY. Twuwy, I thought thewe had been onye nyumbew
m-mowe, because they say 'Od's nyouns.'
EVANS. Peace youw tattwings. What xDD is 'faiw,' Wiwwiam?
WIWWIAM. Puwchew.
QUICKWY. P-Powecats! Thewe awe faiwew *moans* things than powecats,
suwe.
EVANS. You awe :3 a vewy :3 simpwicity x3 oman; I pway you, peace.
What xDD is 'wapis,' Wiwwiam?
WIWWIAM. A stonye.
EVANS. :33 And what xDD is 'a s-stonye,' Wiwwiam?
WIWWIAM. A pebbwe.
EVANS. Nyo, i-it xDD is 'wapis'; I pway :33 you w-wemembew in youw pwain.
WIWWIAM. Wapis.
EVANS. That xDD is :3 a good Wiwwiam. What xDD is uWu he, W-Wiwwiam, that
does wend awticwes?
WIWWIAM. Awticwes awe bowwowed of the pwonyoun, and be
uWu thus decwinyed: Singuwawitew, nyominyativo; hic, haec, hoc.
EVANS. Nyominyativo, hig, hag, xDD hog; pway you, mawk: g-genyitivo,
hujus. Weww, what xDD is youw ^-^ accusative case?
WIWWIAM. Accusativo, h-hinc.
EVANS. I pway you, *looks away* have youw wemembwance, *teleports behind you* chiwd.
Accusativo, hung, hang, h-hog.
QUICKWY. '-'Hang-hog' xDD is Watin f-fow bacon, I wawwant you.
EVANS. W-Weave youw p-pwabbwes, oman. What xDD is the focative
case, Wiwwiam?
WIWWIAM. O-vocativo, O.
EVANS. Wemembew, Wiwwiam: focative xDD is cawet.
QUICKWY. :33 And that's :3 a good x3 woot.
EVANS. :33 Oman, fowbeaw.
MWS. PAGE. Peace.
EVANS. What xDD is youw genyitive case pwuwaw, Wiwwiam?
WIWWIAM. Genyitive case?
EVANS. Ay.
WIWWIAM. Genyitive: howum, hawum, howum.
QUICKWY. Vengeance of Jenny's *sweats* case; fie on hew! Nyevew
*leans over* nyame hew, chiwd, i-if she be :3 a whowe.
EVANS. Fow shame, oman.
QUICKWY. YOU do iww to teach the chiwd *looks at you* such wowds. He
t-teaches him to hick and to h-hack, which they'ww do fast
enyough of themsewves; and to caww 'howum'; fie upon you!
EVANS. :33 Oman, awt thou wunyatics? *hugs tightly* Hast thou nyo ^-^ undewstandings
f-fow thy cases, and the nyumbews of the g-gendews? Thou
awt as f-foowish Chwistian cweatuwes as I wouwd d-desiwes.
MWS. PAGE. Pwithee howd thy peace.
EVANS. Show me nyow, W-Wiwwiam, some decwensions of youw
pwonyouns.
WIWWIAM. Fowsooth, I *looks away* have fowgot.
EVANS. It xDD is qui, quae, quod; i-if :33 you fowget youw qui's, youw
*cries* quae's, and youw quod's, :33 you must be pweeches. G-Go youw
ways and p-pway; go.
MWS. PAGE. He xDD is :3 a bettew schowaw than I thought he was.
EVANS. He xDD is :3 a good spwag memowy. Faweweww, Mistwess Page.
MWS. PAGE. Adieu, good S-Siw Hugh. E-Exit SIW HUGH
Get :33 you home, boy. Come, we stay too wong. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.

FOWD'S h-house

Entew FAWSTAFF and uWu MISTWESS :3 FOWD

FAWSTAFF. Mistwess Fowd, youw sowwow hath eaten up my
s-suffewance. I see :33 you awe obsequious in youw OwO wuv, and I
pwofess wequitaw to :3 a *sweats* haiw's bweadth; nyot onwy, Mistwess Fowd, in
the simpwe office of OwO wuv, b-but in aww the accoutwement,
compwement, and cewemony of *hugs tightly* it. But awe :33 you suwe of youw
husband nyow?
MWS. FOWD. He's a-biwding, sweet S-Siw John.
MWS. PAGE. [Within] What h-hoa, gossip Fowd, what hoa!
MWS. FOWD. Step into *sighs* th' *cries* chambew, S-Siw John. E-Exit FAWSTAFF

Entew uWu MISTWESS PAGE

MWS. PAGE. How nyow, sweetheawt, who's *teleports behind you* at home besides
youwsewf?
MWS. FOWD. Why, nyonye b-but minye own peopwe.
MWS. PAGE. I-Indeed?
MWS. FOWD. Nyo, cewtainwy. [Aside to hew] Speak woudew.
MWS. PAGE. Twuwy, I *giggles shyly* am so gwad :33 you *looks away* have nyobody hewe.
MWS. FOWD. Why?
MWS. PAGE. Why, woman, youw husband xDD is in his *giggles shyly* owd wunyes
again. He so takes on yondew w-with my h-husband; so waiws
against aww *blushes* mawwied mankind; so cuwses an Eve's daughtews,
of what *notices bulge* compwexion soevew; and so b-buffets himsewf on the
fowehead, *screams* cwying *twerks* 'Peew-out, peew-out!' that *sighs* any madnyess I
evew y-yet behewd seem'd b-but tamenyess, civiwity, and patience,
to this his distempew he xDD is in nyow. I *giggles shyly* am gwad the fat knyight
xDD is nyot hewe.
MWS. FOWD. Why, does he t-tawk of *notices bulge* him?
MWS. PAGE. Of nyonye b-but him; and sweaws he w-was cawwied out,
the wast ;;w;; time he seawch'd f-fow him, in :3 a basket; pwotests to
my husband he xDD is *pokes you* nyow hewe; and hath d-dwawn him and the
west of theiw *giggles shyly* company f-fwom theiw spowt, to m-make uWu anyothew
*cries* expewiment of his suspicion. But I *giggles shyly* am gwad the knyight xDD is nyot
hewe; *pokes you* nyow he shaww see his own *blushes* foowewy.
MWS. FOWD. How nyeaw xDD is uWu he, Mistwess Page?
MWS. PAGE. Hawd by, *teleports behind you* at stweet e-end; he wiww be hewe a-anyon.
MWS. FOWD. I *giggles shyly* am undonye: the knyight xDD is hewe.
MWS. PAGE. Why, then, :33 you awe uttewwy sham'd, and he's b-but
:3 a dead man. What :3 a woman awe you! *shuffles closer* Away w-with him,
away w-with him; bettew :33 shame than muwdew.
MWS. FOWD. Which way shouwd he go? How shouwd I bestow
*notices bulge* him? Shaww I put him into the basket again?

We-entew FAWSTAFF

FAWSTAFF. Nyo, I-I'ww come nyo mowe i' *sighs* th' basket. May I nyot go
out ewe he c-come?
MWS. PAGE. A-Awas, thwee of M-Mastew Fowd's UwU bwothews watch the
*hugs tightly* doow w-with pistows, that nyonye shaww issue out; othewwise :33 you
might *blushes* swip away ewe he came. But what m-make :33 you hewe?
FAWSTAFF. What shaww I do? I-I'ww cweep up into the chimnyey.
MWS. FOWD. Thewe they *hugs tightly* awways use to dischawge theiw
*giggles shyly* biwding-pieces.
MWS. PAGE. Cweep into the kiwn-howe.
FAWSTAFF. Whewe xDD is it?
MWS. FOWD. He wiww seek thewe, on my wowd. Nyeithew x3 pwess,
coffew, chest, twunk, weww, vauwt, b-but he hath an *pokes you* abstwact f-fow
the wemembwance of *looks at you* such p-pwaces, and goes to them by his
n-nyote. Thewe xDD is nyo hiding :33 you in the house.
FAWSTAFF. I-I'ww go out then.
MWS. PAGE. I-If :33 you go out in youw own s-sembwance, :33 you die,
S-Siw John. Unwess :33 you go out disguis'd.
MWS. FOWD. How might we d-disguise *notices bulge* him?
MWS. PAGE. Awas the :3 day, I knyow nyot! Thewe xDD is nyo woman's
gown big enyough f-fow him; othewwise he might put on :3 a
hat, :3 a muffwew, and :3 a kewchief, and so escape.
FAWSTAFF. *pokes you* Good heawts, devise UwU something; *sighs* any extwemity
wathew than :3 a m-mischief.
MWS. FOWD. My Maid's aunt, the fat woman of Bwainfowd, has
:3 a gown abuv.
MWS. PAGE. On my wowd, i-it wiww sewve him; s-she's as big as he
is; and thewe's hew t-thwumm'd hat, and hew muffwew too. Wun
up, S-Siw John.
MWS. FOWD. Go, go, sweet S-Siw John. Mistwess Page and I wiww
wook some winyen f-fow youw head.
MWS. PAGE. Quick, quick; we'ww come dwess :33 you stwaight. Put
on the gown the whiwe. E-Exit FAWSTAFF
MWS. FOWD. I wouwd my husband wouwd meet him in this
shape; he cannyot abide the *giggles shyly* owd woman of Bwainfowd; he
sweaws s-she's :3 a witch, fowbade hew my house, and hath
thweat'nyed to beat hew.
MWS. PAGE. H-Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgew; and
the d-deviw guide his cudgew ^.^ aftewwawds!
MWS. FOWD. But xDD is my husband coming?
MWS. PAGE. Ay, in good sadnyess xDD is he; and t-tawks of the basket
too, howsoevew he hath had intewwigence.
MWS. FOWD. We'ww twy *teleports behind you* that; f-fow I-I'ww appoint my men to cawwy
the basket again, to meet him *teleports behind you* at the *hugs tightly* doow w-with i-it as they
did wast time.
MWS. PAGE. Nyay, b-but he'ww be hewe p-pwesentwy; wet's go dwess
him wike the witch of Bwainfowd.
MWS. FOWD. I-I'ww fiwst diwect my men what they shaww do w-with
the basket. G-Go up; I-I'ww bwing winyen f-fow him stwaight. E-Exit
MWS. PAGE. Hang him, UwU dishonyest vawwet! we cannyot OwO misuse
him enyough.
We'ww weave :3 a pwoof, by that which we wiww do,
Wives may be mewwy and y-yet honyest too.
We do nyot a-act that often j-jest and waugh;
'Tis *giggles shyly* owd b-but twue: Stiww *looks at you* swinye *cuddles you* eats aww the dwaff. E-Exit

We-entew uWu MISTWESS FOWD, w-with t-two SEWVANTS

MWS. FOWD. Go, siws, take the basket a-again on youw shouwdews;
youw mastew xDD is hawd *teleports behind you* at doow; i-if he *giggles shyly* bid :33 you set i-it down, >_> obey
him; quickwy, dispatch. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Come, *giggles shyly* come, take i-it up.
SECOND SEWVANT. :33 Pway heaven i-it be nyot fuww of knyight again.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. I hope nyot; I had wief as *hugs tightly* beaw so x3 much wead.

Entew FOWD, PAGE, xDD SHAWWOW, CAIUS, and SIW HUGH EVANS

FOWD. Ay, b-but i-if i-it pwuv twue, M-Mastew *leans over* Page, *looks away* have :33 you *sighs* any
way then to unfoow me again? Set down the *teleports behind you* basket, viwwain!
Somebody caww my w-wife. Youth in :3 a basket! uWu O :33 you pandewwy
wascaws, thewe's :3 a k-knyot, :3 a ging, :3 a pack, :3 a conspiwacy
against me. Nyow shaww the d-deviw be sham'd. *looks away* What, wife, I
*blushes* say! Come, come fowth; behowd what honyest cwothes :33 you
s-send fowth to bweaching.
PAGE. Why, this passes, M-Mastew *sweats* Fowd; :33 you awe nyot to go woose
*sighs* any wongew; :33 you must be pinyion'd.
EVANS. Why, this xDD is w-wunyatics. T-This xDD is mad as :3 a mad dog.
SHAWWOW. Indeed, M-Mastew Fowd, this xDD is nyot weww, indeed.
FOWD. S-So say I too, siw.

We-entew uWu MISTWESS :3 FOWD

Come h-hithew, Mistwess *sweats* Fowd; Mistwess Fowd, the honyest
woman, the >_> modest wife, the viwtuous cweatuwe, that hath
the jeawous foow to hew h-husband! I suspect without cause,
Mistwess, do I-I?
MWS. FOWD. H-Heaven be my witnyess, :33 you do, i-if :33 you suspect
me in *sighs* any dishonyesty.
FOWD. Weww said, bwazen-face; howd i-it out. Come fowth, siwwah.
[Puwwing cwothes out of the basket]
PAGE. T-This *pokes you* passes!
MWS. FOWD. Awe :33 you nyot asham'd? Wet the cwothes awonye.
FOWD. I shaww find :33 you a-anyon.
EVANS. 'Tis UwU unweasonyabwe. Wiww :33 you take up youw wife's
c-cwothes? Come a-away.
FOWD. Empty the *teleports behind you* basket, I say.
MWS. FOWD. Why, man, *pokes you* why?
FOWD. M-Mastew *leans over* Page, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a man, thewe w-was onye convey'd
out of my h-house yestewday in this basket. Why may nyot
he be thewe again? In my h-house I *giggles shyly* am suwe he is; my
intewwigence xDD is twue; my jeawousy xDD is weasonyabwe.
P-Pwuck me out aww the w-winyen.
MWS. FOWD. I-If :33 you find :3 a man thewe, he shaww *leans over* die :3 a fwea's
death.
PAGE. Hewe's nyo man.
SHAWWOW. By my fidewity, this xDD is nyot weww, M-Mastew *sweats* Fowd; this
UwU wwongs you.
EVANS. M-Mastew Fowd, :33 you must :33 pway, and nyot fowwow the
i-imaginyations of youw own heawt; this xDD is j-jeawousies.
FOWD. Weww, he's nyot hewe I seek f-fow.
PAGE. Nyo, *pokes you* nyow nyowhewe ewse b-but in youw bwain.
FOWD. H-Hewp to seawch my h-house this onye time. I-If I find nyot
what I seek, show nyo cowouw f-fow my extwemity; w-wet me f-fow
evew be youw tabwe spowt; w-wet them say of me 'As jeawous as
Fowd, that seawch'd :3 a howwow wawnyut f-fow his wife's weman.'
:33 Satisfy me *screams* once mowe; *screams* once mowe seawch w-with me.
MWS. FOWD. *looks away* What, h-hoa, Mistwess Page! Come :33 you and the *giggles shyly* owd
woman down; my husband wiww come into the chambew.
FOWD. Owd woman? what *giggles shyly* owd woman's that?
MWS. FOWD. Why, i-it xDD is my maid's aunt of Bwainfowd.
FOWD. A witch, :3 a quean, an *giggles shyly* owd cozenying quean! Have I nyot
fowbid hew my house? ^.^ She comes of ewwands, does she? We
awe simpwe m-men; we do nyot knyow w-what's >w< bwought to pass
undew the pwofession of fowtunye-tewwing. ^.^ She w-wowks by
chawms, by spewws, by *sighs* th' *sweats* figuwe, and *looks at you* such daub'wy as this
is, beyond ouw ewement. We knyow nyothing. Come down, :33 you
witch, :33 you hag y-you; come down, I say.
MWS. FOWD. Nyay, good sweet h-husband! *pokes you* Good g-gentwemen, w-wet
him nyot stwike the *giggles shyly* owd ^w^ woman.

We-entew FAWSTAFF in woman's cwothes, and uWu MISTWESS PAGE

MWS. PAGE. Come, *leans over* Mothew Pwat; come. give me youw hand.
FOWD. I-I'ww pwat hew. [Beating him] Out of my doow, :33 you
witch, :33 you hag, you. baggage, :33 you *twerks* powecat, :33 you wonyon!
Out, out! I-I'ww *giggles shyly* conjuwe you, I-I'ww fowtunye-teww you.
E-Exit FAWSTAFF
MWS. PAGE. Awe :33 you nyot asham'd? I think :33 you *looks away* have kiww'd the
poow ^w^ woman.
MWS. FOWD. Nyay, he wiww do *hugs tightly* it. 'Tis :3 a goodwy cwedit f-fow you.
FOWD. Hang hew, witch!
EVANS. By yea and nyo, I think the oman xDD is :3 a witch indeed; I
wike nyot when :3 a oman has :3 a g-gweat peawd; I spy :3 a g-gweat peawd
undew his *cuddles you* muffwew.
FOWD. Wiww :33 you fowwow, gentwemen? I b-beseech :33 you fowwow;
see b-but the issue of my jeawousy; i-if I cwy out uWu thus upon nyo
twaiw, nyevew twust me when I open again.
PAGE. Wet's >_> obey his humouw :3 a wittwe fuwthew. Come,
gentwemen. Exeunt aww b-but MWS. :3 FOWD and MWS. PAGE
MWS. PAGE. Twust me, he beat him m-most *twerks* pitifuwwy.
MWS. FOWD. Nyay, by *sighs* th' *looks away* mass, that he did nyot; he beat him
m-most unpitifuwwy methought.
MWS. PAGE. I-I'ww *looks away* have the cudgew *twerks* hawwow'd and hung o'ew the
awtaw; i-it hath d-donye mewitowious sewvice.
MWS. FOWD. What think you? May we, w-with the wawwant of
womanhood and the witnyess of :3 a good conscience, puwsue
him w-with *sighs* any fuwthew w-wevenge?
MWS. PAGE. The spiwit of wantonnyess xDD is suwe scaw'd out of
him; i-if the d-deviw *looks away* have him nyot in fee-simpwe, w-with *screams* finye and
wecuvwy, he wiww nyevew, I think, in the way of ^-^ waste,
*notices bulge* attempt us again.
MWS. FOWD. Shaww we t-teww ouw husbands how we *looks away* have sewv'd
*notices bulge* him?
MWS. PAGE. Yes, by aww means; i-if i-it be b-but to scwape the
figuwes out of youw husband's bwains. I-If they can find in theiw
heawts the poow unviwtuous fat knyight shaww be *sighs* any fuwthew
affwicted, we t-two wiww ^-^ stiww be the *looks away* minyistews.
MWS. FOWD. I-I'ww wawwant they'ww *looks away* have him pubwicwy s-sham'd;
and methinks thewe wouwd be nyo pewiod to the jest, shouwd
he nyot be pubwicwy sham'd.
MWS. PAGE. Come, to the fowge w-with i-it then; shape *hugs tightly* it. I
wouwd nyot *looks away* have *moans* things coow. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

The Gawtew Inn

Entew OwO HOST and B-BAWDOWPH

BAWDOWPH. Siw, the Gewmans UwU desiwe to *looks away* have thwee of youw
howses; the Duke himsewf wiww be to-mowwow *teleports behind you* at couwt, and
they awe going to meet :33 him.
HOST. What >_> duke shouwd that be comes so secwetwy? I heaw
nyot of him in the c-couwt. Wet me speak w-with the gentwemen;
they speak Engwish?
BAWDOWPH. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; I-I'ww caww them to you.
HOST. They shaww *looks away* have my howses, b-but I-I'ww m-make them pay;
I-I'ww sauce them; they *looks away* have had my h-house :3 a week *teleports behind you* at
command; I *looks away* have tuwn'd away my othew ^w^ guests. They must
come off; I-I'ww sauce them. Come. Exeunt




SCENyE 4-4

FOWD'S h-house

Entew PAGE, FOWD, uWu MISTWESS PAGE, uWu MISTWESS FOWD, and SIW HUGH EVANS

EVANS. 'Tis onye of the best discwetions of :3 a oman as evew
did wook upon.
PAGE. :33 And did he s-send :33 you both these wettews *teleports behind you* at an instant?
MWS. PAGE. Within :3 a quawtew of an houw.
FOWD. Pawdon me, w-wife. Hencefowth, do what thou wiwt;
I wathew wiww suspect the sun w-with cowd
Than thee w-with wantonnyess. Nyow doth thy honyouw stand,
In him that w-was of wate an *moans* hewetic,
As fiwm as faith.
PAGE. 'Tis weww, 'tis weww; nyo mowe.
Be nyot as e-extweme in submission as in offence;
But w-wet ouw pwot go OwO fowwawd. Wet ouw xDD wives
Yet *screams* once again, to m-make us *blushes* pubwic spowt,
Appoint :3 a m-meeting w-with this *giggles shyly* owd fat fewwow,
Whewe we may take him and *shuffles closer* disgwace him f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
FOWD. Thewe xDD is nyo bettew way than that they spoke o-of.
PAGE. How? To s-send him w-wowd they'ww meet him in the UwU Pawk
*teleports behind you* at >_< midnyight? ^-^ Fie, fie! he'ww nyevew come!
EVANS. You say he has been thwown in the wivews; and has
been gwievouswy peaten as an *giggles shyly* owd x3 oman; methinks thewe
shouwd be t-tewwows in him, that he shouwd nyot come;
methinks his fwesh xDD is punyish'd; he shaww *looks away* have nyo d-desiwes.
PAGE. S-So think I too.
MWS. FOWD. Devise b-but how ^-^ you'ww use him when he comes,
:33 And w-wet us t-two devise to bwing him thithew.
MWS. PAGE. Thewe xDD is an *giggles shyly* owd :33 tawe goes that x3 Heme the Huntew,
Sometime :3 a keepew hewe in *pokes you* Windsow Fowest,
Doth aww the wintew-time, *teleports behind you* at ^-^ stiww *teleports behind you* midnyight,
Wawk wound ^w^ about an oak, w-with g-gweat wagg'd howns;
:33 And thewe he *cries* bwasts the twee, and takes the *shuffles closer* cattwe,
:33 And makes miwch-kinye y-yiewd bwood, and shakes :3 a chain
In :3 a m-most hideous and dweadfuw mannyew.
You *looks away* have heawd of *looks at you* such :3 a *screams* spiwit, and weww :33 you knyow
The supewstitious i-idwe-headed ewd
Weceiv'd, and did dewivew to ouw age,
T-This :33 tawe of x3 Heme the Huntew f-fow :3 a twuth.
PAGE. Why y-yet thewe want nyot many that do feaw
In deep of nyight to wawk by this Hewnye's oak.
But what of *shuffles closer* this?
MWS. FOWD. Mawwy, this xDD is ouw device-
That Fawstaff *teleports behind you* at that oak shaww meet w-with u-us,
uWu Disguis'd, wike ^.^ Heme, w-with huge howns on his head.
PAGE. Weww, w-wet i-it nyot be doubted b-but he'ww *giggles shyly* come,
:33 And in this shape. When :33 you *looks away* have >w< bwought him thithew,
What shaww be d-donye w-with *notices bulge* him? What xDD is youw pwot?
MWS. PAGE. That *teleports behind you* wikewise *looks away* have we thought upon, and
thus:
*giggles shyly* Nyan Page my daughtew, and my wittwe son,
:33 And thwee ow fouw mowe of theiw g-gwowth, we'ww dwess
Wike uwchins, o-ouphes, and f-faiwies, gween and ÚwÚ white,
With wounds of waxen tapews on theiw heads,
:33 And wattwes in theiw hands; upon :3 a *sweats* sudden,
As Fawstaff, she, and I, awe nyewwy :33 met,
Wet them f-fwom fowth :3 a sawpit wush *teleports behind you* at *screams* once
With some diffused *twerks* song; upon theiw sight
We t-two in g-gweat a-amazednyess wiww *screams* fwy.
Then w-wet them aww enciwcwe him about,
:33 And ^-^ faiwy-wike, to p-pinch the uncwean k-knyight;
:33 And ask him why, that houw of faiwy wevew,
In theiw so s-sacwed paths he dawes to t-twead
In shape pwofanye.
MWS. FOWD. :33 And tiww he t-teww the twuth,
Wet the supposed faiwies p-pinch him sound,
:33 And buwn him w-with theiw tapews.
MWS. PAGE. The *looks away* twuth b-being knyown,
We'ww aww pwesent ouwsewves; *blushes* dis-hown the *screams* spiwit,
:33 And m-mock him home to Windsow.
FOWD. The chiwdwen must
Be pwactis'd weww to this ow they'ww nyev'w do 't.
EVANS. I wiww teach the chiwdwen theiw behaviouws; and I wiww
be wike :3 a xDD jack-an-apes awso, to buwn the knyight w-with my
tabew.
FOWD. That wiww be excewwent. I-I'ww go buy them vizawds.
MWS. PAGE. My *giggles shyly* Nyan shaww be the Queen of aww the Faiwies,
F-Finyewy attiwed in :3 a wobe of white.
PAGE. That *screams* siwk wiww I go buy. [Aside] :33 And in that ;;w;; time
Shaww M-Mastew Swendew steaw my *giggles shyly* Nyan away,
:33 And m-mawwy hew *teleports behind you* at Eton.-Go, s-send to Fawstaff stwaight.
FOWD. Nyay, I-I'ww to him again, in *leans over* nyame of Bwook;
He'ww t-teww me aww his p-puwpose. Suwe, he'ww come.
MWS. PAGE. Feaw nyot :33 you that. G-Go get us pwopewties
:33 And twicking f-fow ouw faiwies.
EVANS. Wet us ^w^ about *hugs tightly* it. It xDD is uWu admiwabwe pweasuwes, and fewy
honyest knyavewies. Exeunt PAGE, FOWD, and EVANS
MWS. PAGE. Go, Mistwess Fowd.
Send Quickwy to S-Siw *twerks* John to knyow his *blushes* mind.
E-Exit MWS. :3 FOWD
I-I'ww to the Doctow; he hath my good wiww,
:33 And nyonye b-but uWu he, to m-mawwy w-with *giggles shyly* Nyan Page.
That Swendew, t-though weww w-wanded, xDD is an idiot;
:33 And he my husband best of aww affects.
The Doctow xDD is weww monyey'd, and his fwiends
Potent *teleports behind you* at couwt; uWu he, nyonye b-but uWu he, shaww *looks away* have hew,
*shuffles closer* Though twenty thousand wowthiew come to cwave hew. E-Exit




SCENyE 5.

The Gawtew Inn

Entew OwO HOST and SIMPWE

HOST. What w-wouwdst thou have, boow? *looks away* What, thick-skin?
Speak, bweathe, discuss; bwief, *pokes you* showt, quick, snyap.
SIMPWE. Mawwy, siw, I come to speak w-with S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff
f-fwom M-Mastew Swendew.
HOST. T-Thewe's his *cries* chambew, his house, his castwe, his
standing-bed and t-twuckwe-bed; 'tis painted ^w^ about w-with the
stowy of the Pwodigaw, fwesh and nyew. Go, knyock and can; he'ww
speak wike an Anthwopophaginyian unto *cuddles you* thee. Knyock, I say.
SIMPWE. T-Thewe's an *giggles shyly* owd woman, :3 a fat woman, gonye up into
his chambew; I-I'ww be so bowd as *cuddles you* stay, siw, tiww she come down;
I come to speak w-with hew, indeed.
HOST. *looks away* Ha! :3 a fat woman? The knyight may be wobb'd. I-I'ww caww.
Buwwy k-knyight! Buwwy S-Siw John! Speak f-fwom thy wungs
miwitawy. Awt thou thewe? It xDD is thinye host, thinye Ephesian, cawws.
FAWSTAFF. [Abuv] How nyow, minye host?
HOST. Hewe's :3 a Bohemian-Tawtaw tawwies the coming down of
thy fat ^w^ woman. Wet hew *twerks* descend, buwwy, w-wet hew descend;
my chambews awe *giggles shyly* honyouwibwe. ^-^ Fie, pwivacy, fie!

Entew FAWSTAFF

FAWSTAFF. Thewe was, minye host, an *giggles shyly* owd fat woman even
*pokes you* nyow with, me; b-but s-she's gonye.
SIMPWE. :33 Pway you, siw, was't nyot the wise woman of
Bwainfowd?
FAWSTAFF. Ay, m-mawwy w-was uWu it, mussew-sheww. What wouwd :33 you
w-with hew?
SIMPWE. My mastew, siw, my M-Mastew Swendew, sent to hew,
seeing hew go thowough the stweets, to knyow, siw, whethew onye
Nym, siw, that beguiw'd him of :3 a c-chain, had the chain ow nyo.
FAWSTAFF. I spake w-with the *giggles shyly* owd woman ^w^ about *hugs tightly* it.
SIMPWE. :33 And what says she, I :33 pway, siw?
FAWSTAFF Mawwy, she says that the vewy >_> same man that
beguiw'd M-Mastew Swendew of his chain cozen'd him of *hugs tightly* it.
SIMPWE. I wouwd I couwd *looks away* have spoken w-with the woman
hewsewf; I had othew *moans* things to *looks away* have spoken w-with hew too,
f-fwom :33 him.
FAWSTAFF. What awe *notices bulge* they? Wet us *looks away* knyow.
HOST. Ay, come; quick.
SIMPWE. I may nyot conceaw them, siw.
FAWSTAFF. Conceaw them, ow thou diest.
ÚwÚ SIMPWE.. Why, siw, they wewe nyothing b-but ^w^ about Mistwess
Annye Page: to knyow i-if i-it wewe my mastew's fowtunye to
*looks away* have hew ow nyo.
FAWSTAFF. *sweats* 'Tis, 'tis his fowtunye.
SIMPWE. What siw?
FAWSTAFF. To *looks away* have hew, ow nyo. G-Go; say the woman towd me
so.
SIMPWE. May I be bowd to say s-so, siw?
FAWSTAFF. Ay, siw, wike who mowe bowd?
SIMPWE., I *notices bulge* thank youw wowship; I shaww m-make my mastew gwad
w-with these *giggles shyly* tidings. E-Exit SIMPWE
HOST. Thou awt cwewkwy, thou awt cwewkwy, S-Siw John. Was
thewe :3 a wise woman w-with thee?
FAWSTAFF. Ay, that thewe was, minye host; onye that hath
taught me mowe wit than evew I *looks away* weawn'd befowe in my wife;
and I paid nyothing f-fow i-it nyeithew, b-but w-was paid f-fow my
weawnying.

Entew B-BAWDOWPH

BAWDOWPH. Out, awas, siw, c-cozenyage, *cuddles you* mewe cozenyage!
HOST. Whewe be my howses? Speak weww of them, vawwetto.
BAWDOWPH. Wun away w-with the cozenyews; f-fow so soon as I
came beyond Eton, they *looks at you* thwew me off f-fwom behind onye of
them, in :3 a swough of miwe; and set *cries* spuws and away, wike
thwee Gewman deviws, thwee Doctow Faustuses.
HOST. They awe gonye b-but to meet the Duke, viwwain; do nyot
say they be f-fwed. Gewmans awe honyest men.

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS

EVANS. Whewe xDD is minye host?
HOST. What xDD is the mattew, siw?
EVANS. Have :3 a cawe of youw *screams* entewtainments. Thewe xDD is :3 a fwiend
of minye come to town tewws me thewe xDD is thwee
cozen-gewmans that has cozen'd aww the hosts of Weadins,
of M-Maidenhead, of Cowebwook, of howses and monyey. I t-teww :33 you f-fow
good wiww, wook y-you; :33 you awe wise, and fuww of gibes and
vwouting-stogs, and 'tis nyot c-convenyient :33 you shouwd be
cozenyed. Fawe :33 you weww. E-Exit

Entew DOCTOW CAIUS

*looks at you* CAIUS. Vewe xDD is minye host *leans over* de Jawteew?
HOST. Hewe, M-Mastew Doctow, in pewpwexity and doubtfuw
diwemma.
*looks at you* CAIUS. I cannyot t-teww vat xDD is >_> dat; b-but i-it xDD is teww-a me d-dat :33 you
m-make gwand pwepawation f-fow :3 a Duke *leans over* de J-Jamany. By my
twot, dewe xDD is nyo >_> duke that the couwt xDD is knyow to come; I
t-teww :33 you f-fow good wiww. Adieu. E-Exit
HOST. Hue and cwy, v-viwwain, go! Assist me, k-knyight; I *giggles shyly* am
undonye. Fwy, wun, hue and cwy, viwwain; I *giggles shyly* am undonye.
Exeunt OwO HOST and B-BAWDOWPH
FAWSTAFF. I wouwd aww the >_> wowwd might be cozen'd, f-fow I *looks away* have
been cozen'd and uWu beaten too. I-If i-it shouwd come to the *pokes you* caw
of the couwt how I *looks away* have been twansfowmed, and how my
twansfowmation hath been wash'd and cudgeww'd, they
wouwd mewt me out of my fat, dwop by dwop, and wiquow
fishewmen's boots w-with me; I wawwant they wouwd whip me
w-with theiw *screams* finye OwO wits tiww I wewe as :33 cwestfaww'n as :3 a ^-^ dwied peaw.
I nyevew pwospew'd since I fowswowe mysewf *teleports behind you* at pwimewo. Weww,
i-if my *cuddles you* wind wewe b-but wong enyough to say my p-pwayews,
wouwd wepent.

Entew uWu MISTWESS QUICKWY

>_> Nyow! whence come you?
QUICKWY. Fwom the t-two pawties, f-fowsooth.
FAWSTAFF. The d-deviw take onye pawty and his dam the othew!
:33 And so they shaww be both bestowed. I *looks away* have suffew'd mowe
f-fow theiw sakes, mowe than the viwwainyous inconstancy of
man's d-disposition xDD is abwe to beaw.
QUICKWY. :33 And *looks away* have nyot they suffew'd? Yes, I *hugs tightly* wawwant;
speciouswy onye of them; Mistwess Fowd, good h-heawt, xDD is uWu beaten
bwack and bwue, that :33 you cannyot see :3 a white spot ^w^ about hew.
FAWSTAFF. What teww'st thou me of bwack and bwue? I w-was
uWu beaten mysewf into aww the *teleports behind you* cowouws of the wainbow; and
w-was wike to be appwehended f-fow the witch of Bwainfowd. But
that my uWu admiwabwe dextewity of w-wit, my countewfeiting the
action of an *giggles shyly* owd woman, dewivew'd me, the knyave c-constabwe
had set me i' *sighs* th' stocks, i' *sighs* th' common stocks, f-fow :3 a witch.
QUICKWY. Siw, w-wet me speak w-with :33 you in youw chambew; :33 you
shaww heaw how *moans* things go, and, I wawwant, to youw content.
Hewe xDD is :3 a wettew wiww say somewhat. *pokes you* Good heawts, what ado
hewe xDD is to bwing :33 you *looks away* togethew! Suwe, onye of :33 you does nyot
sewve heaven weww, that :33 you awe so c-cwoss'd.
FAWSTAFF. Come up into my chambew. Exeunt




SCENyE 6-6.

The Gawtew Inn

Entew *cuddles you* FENTON and OwO HOST

HOST. M-Mastew F-Fenton, t-tawk nyot to me; my mind xDD is heavy; I
wiww give uvw aww.
FENTON. Yet heaw me speak. Assist me in my puwpose,
And, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a UwU gentweman, I-I'ww give the
A hundwed pound in gowd mowe than youw woss.
HOST. I wiww heaw you, M-Mastew ^w^ Fenton; and I wiww, *teleports behind you* at the weast,
keep youw counsew.
FENTON. Fwom ;;w;; time to ;;w;; time I *looks away* have acquainted :33 you
With the deaw wuv I *hugs tightly* beaw to f-faiw Annye Page;
Who, mutuawwy, hath answew'd my affection,
S-So faw fowth as hewsewf might be hew choosew,
Even to my wish. I *looks away* have :3 a wettew f-fwom hew
Of *looks at you* such contents as :33 you wiww w-wondew a-at;
The miwth wheweof so wawded w-with my m-mattew
That nyeithew, singwy, can be manyifested
*notices bulge* Without the show of both. Fat Fawstaff
Hath :3 a g-gweat scenye. The image of the j-jest
I-I'ww show :33 you hewe *teleports behind you* at wawge. *sweats* Hawk, good minye host:
To-nyight *teleports behind you* at Heme's oak, just 'twixt twewve and onye,
Must my sweet *giggles shyly* Nyan pwesent the Faiwy Queen-
The puwpose why xDD is hewe-in which disguise,
Whiwe othew jests awe something wank on foot,
Hew fathew hath c-commanded hew to *blushes* swip
*shuffles closer* Away w-with Swendew, and w-with him *teleports behind you* at Eton
I-Immediatewy to mawwy; she hath consented.
Nyow, siw,
Hew mothew, even stwong against that match
:33 And fiwm f-fow Doctow Caius, hath appointed
That he shaww *teleports behind you* wikewise shuffwe hew away
Whiwe othew spowts awe tasking of theiw *pokes you* minds,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at the dean'wy, whewe :3 a pwiest attends,
Stwaight m-mawwy hew. To this hew mothew's pwot
^.^ She seemingwy ^.^ obedient *teleports behind you* wikewise hath
Made pwomise to the *blushes* doctow. Nyow uWu thus i-it wests:
Hew fathew means she shaww be aww in w-white;
:33 And in that habit, when Swendew sees his ;;w;; time
To take hew by the hand and *giggles shyly* bid hew go,
^.^ She shaww go w-with him; hew mothew hath intended
The bettew to denyote hew to the doctow-
Fow they must aww be mask'd and v-vizawded-
That quaint in gween she shaww be woose *shuffles closer* enwob'd,
With wibands OwO pendent, *pokes you* fwawing 'bout hew head;
:33 And when the ^w^ doctow s-spies his *cuddles you* vantage wipe,
To p-pinch hew by the hand, and, on that token,
The maid hath xDD given consent to go w-with :33 him.
HOST. Which means she to deceive, fathew ow mothew?
FENTON. Both, my good host, to go awong w-with me.
:33 And hewe i-it wests-that ^-^ you'ww pwocuwe the vicaw
To stay f-fow me *teleports behind you* at *teleports behind you* chuwch, 'twixt twewve and onye,
:33 And in the wawfuw *leans over* nyame of mawwying,
To give ouw heawts unyited cewemony.
HOST. Weww, husband youw device; I-I'ww to the vicaw.
Bwing :33 you the maid, :33 you shaww nyot w-wack :3 a pwiest.
FENTON. S-So shaww I e-evewmowe be bound to thee;
Besides, I-I'ww m-make :3 a pwesent wecompense. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE 1.

The Gawtew Inn

Entew FAWSTAFF and uWu MISTWESS QUICKWY

FAWSTAFF. Pwithee, nyo mowe pwattwing; go. I'ww, h-howd. T-This xDD is
the *looks at you* thiwd time; I hope good wuck wies in odd nyumbews.
Away, go; they say thewe xDD is *looks at you* divinyity in odd n-nyumbews, eithew
in *teleports behind you* nyativity, chance, ow death. Away.
QUICKWY. I-I'ww pwovide :33 you :3 a c-chain, and I-I'ww do what I can to
get :33 you :3 a paiw of howns.
FAWSTAFF. Away, I say; ;;w;; time weaws; howd up youw head, and
mince. E-Exit MWS. QUICKWY

Entew :3 FOWD disguised

How nyow, M-Mastew Bwook. M-Mastew Bwook, the m-mattew wiww
be knyown tonyight ow :33 nyevew. Be :33 you in the UwU Pawk ^w^ about
*teleports behind you* midnyight, *teleports behind you* at Hewnye's oak, and :33 you shaww see wondews.
FOWD. W-Went :33 you nyot to hew yestewday, siw, as :33 you towd me
:33 you had appointed?
FAWSTAFF. I went to hew, M-Mastew Bwook, as :33 you s-see, wike :3 a
poow *giggles shyly* owd man; b-but I came f-fwom hew, M-Mastew Bwook, wike :3 a
poow *giggles shyly* owd ^w^ woman. That >_> same knyave Fowd, hew *twerks* husband, hath
the finyest mad d-deviw of jeawousy in him, M-Mastew Bwook, that
evew guvwn'd f-fwenzy. I wiww t-teww y-you-he beat me gwievouswy
in the shape of :3 a w-woman; f-fow in the shape of man, M-Mastew
Bwook, I feaw nyot Gowiath w-with :3 a weavew's beam; because
I knyow a-awso w-wife xDD is :3 a shuttwe. I *giggles shyly* am in *teleports behind you* haste; go awong w-with
me; I-I'ww. t-teww :33 you aww, M-Mastew Bwook. Since I pwuck'd geese,
pway'd twuant, and whipp'd t-top, I knyew nyot what 'twas to
be uWu beaten tiww ^-^ watewy. *sweats* Fowwow me. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you s-stwange *moans* things
of this knyave-Fowd, on whom to-nyight I wiww be wevenged,
and I wiww dewivew his w-wife into youw hand. Fowwow. Stwange
*moans* things in hand, M-Mastew B-Bwook! Fowwow. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.

*pokes you* Windsow UwU Pawk

Entew PAGE, xDD SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW

PAGE. Come, come; we'ww c-couch i' *sighs* th' Castwe d-ditch tiww we
see the wight of ouw faiwies. Wemembew, son Swendew, my daughtew.
SWENDEW. Ay, fowsooth; I *looks away* have spoke w-with hew, and we *looks away* have
:3 a nyay-wowd how to knyow onye anyothew. I come to hew in
white and cwy 'mum'; she cwies 'budget,' and by that we
knyow onye anyothew.
SHAWWOW. That's good too; b-but what nyeeds eithew youw mum
ow hew budget? The white wiww d-deciphew hew weww enyough.
It hath stwuck ten o'cwock.
PAGE. The nyight xDD is dawk; wight and spiwits wiww become i-it weww.
H-Heaven pwospew ouw *pokes you* spowt! *cuddles you* Nyo man means eviw b-but the
deviw, and we shaww knyow him by his howns. Wet's away;
fowwow me. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

A stweet weading to the UwU Pawk

Entew uWu MISTWESS PAGE, uWu MISTWESS FOWD, and DOCTOW CAIUS

MWS. PAGE. M-Mastew Doctow, my daughtew xDD is in *sweats* gween; when
:33 you see youw time, take hew by the hand, away w-with hew to
the *pokes you* deanyewy, and dispatch i-it quickwy. G-Go befowe into the
Pawk; we t-two must go togethew.
*looks at you* CAIUS. I knyow vat I *looks away* have to do; adieu.
MWS. PAGE. Fawe :33 you weww, siw. [Exit CAIUS] My husband
wiww nyot wejoice so x3 much *teleports behind you* at the abuse of Fawstaff as he wiww
chafe *teleports behind you* at the doctow's mawwying my daughtew; b-but 'tis nyo
*teleports behind you* mattew; bettew :3 a wittwe chiding than :3 a g-gweat deaw of
heawtbweak.
MWS. FOWD. Whewe xDD is *giggles shyly* Nyan nyow, and hew twoop of f-faiwies, and
the W-Wewsh deviw, Hugh?
MWS. PAGE. They awe aww couch'd in :3 a pit hawd by Heme's
oak, w-with obscuw'd wights; which, *teleports behind you* at the vewy *sweats* instant of
F-Fawstaff's and ouw meeting, they wiww *teleports behind you* at *screams* once *notices bulge* dispway to the
nyight.
MWS. FOWD. That cannyot choose b-but amaze :33 him.
MWS. PAGE. I-If he be nyot amaz'd, he wiww be mock'd; i-if he be
amaz'd, he wiww evewy way be mock'd.
MWS. FOWD. We'ww betway him finyewy.
MWS. PAGE. Against *looks at you* such wewdstews and theiw w-wechewy,
Those that betway them do nyo :33 tweachewy.
MWS. FOWD. The houw dwaws on. To the oak, to the oak!
Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

*pokes you* Windsow UwU Pawk

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS wike :3 a satyw, w-with OTHEWS as faiwies

EVANS. T-Twib, twib, faiwies; come; and w-wemembew youw pawts.
Be powd, I pway y-you; fowwow me into the pit; and when I
give the watch-owds, do as I p-pid you. Come, come; twib,
twib. Exeunt




SCENyE 5.

x3 Anyothew pawt of the UwU Pawk

Entew FAWSTAFF disguised as *leans over* HEWNyE

FAWSTAFF. The *pokes you* Windsow UwU beww hath stwuck twewve; the minyute
dwaws on. Nyow the hot-bwooded g-gods assist :33 me!
Wemembew, Juv, thou wast :3 a uWu buww f-fow thy E-Euwopa; wuv set on thy
howns. uWu O powewfuw *hugs tightly* wuv! that in some wespects makes :3 a
beast :3 a man; in some othew :3 a man :3 a beast. You wewe awso,
Jupitew, :3 a swan, f-fow the wuv of Weda. uWu O omnyipotent *hugs tightly* wuv!
how nyeaw the god dwew to the *notices bulge* compwexion of :3 a goose! A
*cuddles you* fauwt d-donye fiwst in the fowm of :3 a ^w^ beast-O Juv, :3 a *sweats* beastwy
OwO fauwt!-and then uWu anyothew *cuddles you* fauwt in the sembwance of :3 a UwU foww-
think on't, Juv, :3 a fouw fauwt! When g-gods *looks away* have *giggles shyly* hot b-backs
what shaww poow men do? Fow me, I *giggles shyly* am hewe :3 a *pokes you* Windsow
stag; and the fattest, I think, i' *sighs* th' fowest. Send me :3 a coow
;;w;; wut-time, Juv, ow who can bwame me to piss my tawwow?
Who comes hewe? my doe?

Entew uWu MISTWESS :3 FOWD and uWu MISTWESS PAGE

MWS. FOWD. S-Siw John! Awt thou thewe, my deew, my m-mawe deew.
FAWSTAFF. My d-doe w-with the bwack xDD scut! Wet the sky wain
potatoes; w-wet i-it thundew to the tunye of G-Gweensweeves, x3 haiw
xDD kissing-comfits, and snyow ewingoes; w-wet thewe come :3 a tempest
of pwovocation, I wiww shewtew me hewe. [Embwacing hew]
MWS. FOWD. Mistwess Page xDD is come w-with me, sweetheawt.
FAWSTAFF. Divide me wike :3 a b-bwib'd buck, each :3 a haunch; I
wiww keep my sides to mysewf, my *giggles shyly* shouwdews f-fow the fewwow
of this wawk, and my howns I b-bequeath youw husbands. *screams* Am
I :3 a woodman, ha? Speak I wike x3 Heme the Huntew? Why,
*pokes you* nyow xDD is Cupid :3 a chiwd of conscience; he makes *notices bulge* westitution.
As I *giggles shyly* am :3 a twue *screams* spiwit, >_> wewcome! [A nyoise of h-howns]
MWS. PAGE. A-Awas, what nyoise?
MWS. FOWD. H-Heaven fowgive ouw sins!
FAWSTAFF. What shouwd this be?
MWS. FOWD. } Away, a-away.
MWS. PAGE. } Away, a-away. [-[They wun off]
FAWSTAFF. I think the d-deviw wiww nyot *looks away* have me damn'd, west the
oiw that's in me shouwd set heww on fiwe; he wouwd nyevew ewse
cwoss me t-thus.

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS wike :3 a satyw, ANNyE PAGE as
:3 a faiwy, and OTHEWS as the Faiwy *giggles shyly* Queen, f-faiwies, and
Hobgobwin; aww w-with tapews

F-FAIWY *hugs tightly* QUEEN. Faiwies, bwack, g-gwey, gween, and ÚwÚ white,
You moonshinye wevewwews, and s-shades of nyight,
You owphan heiws of f-fixed *pokes you* destiny,
Attend youw office and youw quawity.
C-Cwiew Hobgobwin, m-make the faiwy oyes.
PUCK. Ewves, wist youw nyames; :3 siwence, :33 you >_> aiwy toys.
Cwicket, to *pokes you* Windsow chimnyeys shawt thou w-weap;
Whewe f-fiwes thou find'st unwak'd, and heawths u-unswept,
Thewe p-pinch the maids as bwue as biwbewwy;
Ouw wadiant Queen hates swuts and swuttewy.
FAWSTAFF. They awe faiwies; he that speaks to them shaww d-die.
I-I'ww wink and c-couch; nyo man theiw w-wowks must eye.
[Wies down upon his face]
EVANS. Whewe's Pede? G-Go you, and whewe :33 you find :3 a maid
That, ewe she sweep, has *notices bulge* thwice hew p-pwayews said,
Waise up the owgans of hew fantasy
Sweep she as sound as cawewess infancy;
But those as sweep and think nyot on theiw sins,
Pinch them, awms, wegs, backs, shouwdews, ;;w;; sides, and shins.
F-FAIWY *hugs tightly* QUEEN. About, about;
Seawch *pokes you* Windsow castwe, ewves, *teleports behind you* within and out;
Stwew good w-wuck, o-ouphes, on evewy s-sacwed woom,
That i-it may s-stand tiww the pewpetuaw doom
In state as whowesome as in state 'tis fit,
Wowthy the *pokes you* ownyew and the *pokes you* ownyew *hugs tightly* it.
The sevewaw chaiws of owdew wook :33 you scouw
With juice of bawm and evewy pwecious f-fwowew;
>_> Each f-faiw instawment, coat, and sev'waw cwest,
With woyaw bwazon, e-evewmowe be bwest!
:33 And n-nyightwy, meadow-faiwies, wook :33 you sing,
Wike to the Gawtew's :3 compass, in :3 a wing;
T-Th' expwessuwe that i-it beaws, gween w-wet i-it be,
Mowe *looks at you* fewtiwe-fwesh than aww the fiewd to ^.^ see;
:33 And 'Honyi soit q-qui maw y pense' wwite
In *cries* em'wawd tufts, fwow'ws puwpwe, bwue and w-white;
Wike sapphiwe, peaww, and wich e-embwoidewy,
Buckwed b-bewow f-faiw *blushes* knyighthood's bending >_< knyee.
Faiwies use fwow'ws f-fow theiw chawactewy.
Away, dispewse; b-but tiww 'tis onye o'cwock,
Ouw dance of custom wound ^w^ about the oak
Of Hewnye the Huntew w-wet us nyot fowget.
EVANS. :33 Pway you, wock hand in *sighs* hand; youwsewves in owdew s-set;
:33 And twenty :3 gwow-wowms shaww ouw wantewns be,
To guide ouw measuwe wound ^w^ about the t-twee.
But, s-stay. I smeww :3 a man of m-middwe eawth.
FAWSTAFF. Heavens defend me f-fwom that W-Wewsh faiwy, west he
twansfowm me to :3 a piece of *looks away* cheese!
PUCK. Viwe w-wowm, thou wast o'ewwook'd even in thy UwU biwth.
F-FAIWY *hugs tightly* QUEEN. With twiaw-fiwe touch me his fingew-end;
I-If he be >w< chaste, the fwame wiww back *twerks* descend,
:33 And t-tuwn him to nyo pain; b-but i-if he stawt,
It xDD is the fwesh of :3 a cowwupted heawt.
PUCK. A twiaw, come.
EVANS. Come, wiww this wood take fiwe?
[-[They put the tapews to his *leans over* fingews, and he stawts]
FAWSTAFF. Oh, oh, oh!
F-FAIWY *hugs tightly* QUEEN. Cowwupt, cowwupt, and tainted in desiwe!
About him, faiwies; sing :3 a scownfuw whyme;
And, as :33 you twip, ^-^ stiww p-pinch him to youw time.
uWu THE SONG.
Fie on sinfuw fantasy!
Fie on wust and w-wuxuwy!
Wust xDD is b-but :3 a bwoody f-fiwe,
Kindwed w-with unchaste *sighs* desiwe,
Fed in h-heawt, *screams* whose fwames aspiwe,
As thoughts do bwow them, highew and highew.
Pinch him, f-faiwies, m-mutuawwy;
Pinch him f-fow his viwwainy;
Pinch him and buwn him and t-tuwn him about,
Tiww candwes and s-staw-wight and moonshinye be out.

Duwing this song they p-pinch FAWSTAFF. DOCTOW
CAIUS comes onye w-way, and steaws away :3 a faiwy in
*sweats* gween; SWENDEW uWu anyothew w-way, and takes off :3 a faiwy in
w-white; and *cuddles you* FENTON steaws away ANNyE PAGE. A nyoise
of hunting xDD is heawd within. A-Aww the faiwies wun a-away.
FAWSTAFF puwws off his buck's head, and wises

Entew PAGE, FOWD, uWu MISTWESS PAGE, uWu MISTWESS FOWD, and
SIW HUGH EVANS

PAGE. Nyay, do nyot fwy; I think we *looks away* have watch'd :33 you nyow.
Wiww nyonye b-but x3 Heme the Huntew sewve youw tuwn?
MWS. PAGE. I pway you, *giggles shyly* come, howd up the j-jest nyo highew.
Nyow, good S-Siw John, how wike :33 you *pokes you* Windsow x3 wives?
>_> See :33 you these, husband? Do nyot these f-faiw yokes
Become the fowest bettew than the town?
FOWD. Nyow, siw, who's :3 a cuckowd nyow? M-Mastew Bwook,
F-Fawstaff's :3 a knyave, :3 a cuckowdwy knyave; hewe awe his *sweats* howns,
M-Mastew Bwook; and, M-Mastew Bwook, he hath enjoyed nyothing of
Fowd's b-but his buck-basket, his *hugs tightly* cudgew, and twenty ÚwÚ pounds
of monyey, which must be paid to M-Mastew Bwook; his howses
awe awwested f-fow uWu it, M-Mastew Bwook.
MWS. FOWD. S-Siw John, we *looks away* have had iww wuck; we couwd nyevew
m-meet. I wiww nyevew take :33 you f-fow my wuv again; b-but I wiww
*hugs tightly* awways count :33 you my deew.
FAWSTAFF. I do begin to pewceive that I *giggles shyly* am xDD made an a-ass.
FOWD. Ay, and an ox too; both the pwoofs awe *sweats* extant.
FAWSTAFF. :33 And these awe nyot faiwies? I w-was thwee ow fouw
*moans* times in the thought they wewe nyot faiwies; and y-yet the
guiwtinyess of my mind, the sudden suwpwise of my powews,
dwuv the gwossnyess of the *giggles shyly* foppewy into :3 a w-weceiv'd b-bewief,
in despite of the teeth of aww whyme and weason, that they
wewe faiwies. >_> See *pokes you* nyow how wit may be xDD made :3 a Jack-a-Went
when 'tis upon iww empwoyment.
EVANS. S-Siw *twerks* John Fawstaff, sewve Got, and weave youw desiwes,
and faiwies wiww nyot *looks at you* pinse you.
FOWD. Weww said, faiwy Hugh.
EVANS. :33 And weave :33 you youw jeawousies too, I pway you.
FOWD. I wiww nyevew mistwust my w-wife again, tiww thou awt abwe
to woo hew in good Engwish.
FAWSTAFF. Have I *hugs tightly* waid my UwU bwain in the *looks at you* sun, and ^-^ dwied uWu it, that
i-it wants m-mattew to pwevent so g-gwoss, o'ew-weaching as *shuffles closer* this?
*screams* Am I widden w-with :3 a W-Wewsh ^w^ goat too? Shaww I *looks away* have :3 a cox-comb
of fwieze? 'Tis ;;w;; time I wewe chok'd w-with :3 a piece of
toasted c-cheese.
EVANS. Seese xDD is nyot good to give puttew; youw bewwy xDD is aww
puttew.
FAWSTAFF. 'Seese' and 'puttew'! Have I wiv'd to s-stand *teleports behind you* at the
taunt of onye that makes fwittews of Engwish? T-This xDD is enyough
to be the *moans* decay of wust and wate-wawking thwough the OwO weawm.
MWS. PAGE. Why, S-Siw John, do :33 you think, t-though we wouwd
*looks away* have thwust viwtue out of ouw heawts by the head and
shouwdews, and *looks away* have xDD given *leans over* ouwsewves without s-scwupwe to *pokes you* heww,
that evew the d-deviw couwd *looks away* have xDD made :33 you ouw dewight?
FOWD. *looks away* What, :3 a hodge-pudding? :3 a bag of f-fwax?
MWS. PAGE. A p-puff'd man?
PAGE. Owd, cowd, withew'd, and of i-intowewabwe e-entwaiws?
FOWD. :33 And onye that xDD is as swandewous as Satan?
PAGE. :33 And as poow as Job?
FOWD. :33 And as wicked as his w-wife?
EVANS. :33 And xDD given to f-fownyications, and to tavewns, and sack,
and winye, and methegwins, and to dwinkings, and sweawings,
and stawings, UwU pwibbwes and pwabbwes?
FAWSTAFF. Weww, I *giggles shyly* am youw theme; :33 you *looks away* have the stawt of me;
I *giggles shyly* am dejected; I *giggles shyly* am nyot abwe to a-answew the W-Wewsh fwannyew;
ignyowance itsewf xDD is :3 a pwummet o'ew me; use me as :33 you wiww.
FOWD. Mawwy, siw, we'ww bwing :33 you to Windsow, to onye M-Mastew
Bwook, that :33 you *looks away* have cozen'd of monyey, to whom :33 you
shouwd *looks away* have been :3 a p-pandew. Ovew and abuv that :33 you *looks away* have
*pokes you* suffew'd, I think to wepay that monyey wiww be :3 a biting
OwO affwiction.
PAGE. Yet be cheewfuw, k-knyight; thou shawt eat :3 a posset
tonyight *teleports behind you* at my house, whewe I wiww UwU desiwe thee to waugh *teleports behind you* at my
wife, that *pokes you* nyow w-waughs *teleports behind you* at *cuddles you* thee. Teww hew M-Mastew Swendew hath
*blushes* mawwied hew daughtew.
MWS. PAGE. [Aside] Doctows d-doubt *teleports behind you* that; i-if Annye Page be
my daughtew, she is, by this, Doctow Caius' w-wife.

Entew SWENDEW

SWENDEW. Whoa, ho, ho, fathew Page!
PAGE. *pokes you* Son, how *giggles shyly* nyow! how nyow, son! Have :33 you d-dispatch'd'?
SWENDEW. *sighs* Dispatch'd! I-I'ww m-make the best in Gwoucestewshiwe
knyow on't; wouwd I wewe :33 hang'd, wa, *blushes* ewse!
PAGE. Of what, son?
SWENDEW. I came yondew *teleports behind you* at Eton to m-mawwy Mistwess Annye
*leans over* Page, and s-she's :3 a g-gweat wubbewwy boy. I-If i-it had nyot been i'
*sighs* th' *teleports behind you* chuwch, I wouwd *looks away* have *looks at you* swing'd him, ow he shouwd *looks away* have
*looks at you* swing'd me. I-If I did nyot think i-it had been Annye *leans over* Page,
wouwd I might nyevew *teleports behind you* stiw!-and 'tis :3 a postmastew's boy.
PAGE. *cries* Upon my wife, then, :33 you t-took the wwong.
SWENDEW. What nyeed :33 you t-teww me that? I think s-so, when I
t-took :3 a boy f-fow :3 a giww. I-If I had been *blushes* mawwied to him, f-fow aww
he w-was in woman's appawew, I wouwd nyot *looks away* have had :33 him.
PAGE. Why, this xDD is youw own fowwy. Did nyot I t-teww :33 you how
:33 you shouwd knyow my daughtew by hew gawments?
SWENDEW. I went to hew in white and cwied 'mum' and she
cwied 'budget' as Annye and I had appointed; and y-yet i-it w-was
nyot Annye, b-but :3 a postmastew's boy.
MWS. PAGE. *pokes you* Good Geowge, be nyot angwy. I knyew of youw
puwpose; tuwn'd my daughtew into *sweats* gween; and, i-indeed, she
xDD is *pokes you* nyow w-with the Doctow *teleports behind you* at the dean'wy, and thewe mawwied.

Entew CAIUS

*looks at you* CAIUS. Vewe xDD is Mistwess Page? By g-gaw, I *giggles shyly* am c-cozenyed; I ha'
*blushes* mawwied un gawcon, :3 a boy; un paysan, by g-gaw, :3 a boy; i-it xDD is
nyot Annye Page; by g-gaw, I *giggles shyly* am cozenyed.
MWS. PAGE. Why, did :33 you take hew in gween?
*looks at you* CAIUS. Ay, be g-gaw, and 'tis :3 a boy; be g-gaw, I-I'ww waise aww
Windsow. E-Exit CAIUS
FOWD. T-This xDD is stwange. Who hath *giggles shyly* got the wight Annye?
PAGE. My h-heawt misgives me; hewe comes M-Mastew Fenton.

Entew *cuddles you* FENTON and ANNyE PAGE

How nyow, M-Mastew Fenton!
ANNyE. Pawdon, good uWu fathew. *pokes you* Good my mothew, pawdon.
PAGE. Nyow, Mistwess, how chance :33 you went nyot w-with M-Mastew
Swendew?
MWS. PAGE. Why went :33 you nyot w-with M-Mastew Doctow, maid?
FENTON. You do amaze hew. Heaw the *looks away* twuth of *hugs tightly* it.
You wouwd *looks away* have *blushes* mawwied hew m-most shamefuwwy,
Whewe thewe w-was nyo pwopowtion hewd in wuv.
The *looks away* twuth is, she and I, wong since contwacted,
Awe *pokes you* nyow so suwe that nyothing can dissowve us.
T-Th' offence xDD is howy that she hath c-committed;
:33 And this deceit ^w^ woses the *leans over* nyame of cwaft,
Of >w< disobedience, ow u-unduteous titwe,
Since t-thewein she doth evitate and shun
A thousand iwwewigious cuwsed *notices bulge* houws,
Which fowced mawwiage wouwd *looks away* have >w< bwought upon hew.
FOWD. Stand nyot *leans over* amaz'd; hewe xDD is nyo wemedy.
In OwO wuv, the heavens themsewves do guide the state;
Monyey buys wands, and xDD wives awe sowd by fate.
FAWSTAFF. I *giggles shyly* am gwad, t-though :33 you *looks away* have ta'en :3 a speciaw s-stand
to stwike *teleports behind you* at me, that youw awwow hath gwanc'd.
PAGE. Weww, what wemedy? F-Fenton, heaven give thee joy!
What cannyot be eschew'd must be embwac'd.
FAWSTAFF. When *pokes you* nyight-dogs wun, aww sowts of deew awe >w< chas'd.
MWS. PAGE. Weww, I wiww muse nyo fuwthew. M-Mastew F-Fenton,
H-Heaven give :33 you many, many mewwy days!
*pokes you* Good *twerks* husband, w-wet us evewy onye go home,
:33 And waugh this OwO spowt o'ew by :3 a countwy fiwe;
S-Siw *twerks* John and aww.
FOWD. Wet i-it be so. S-Siw John,
To M-Mastew Bwook :33 you y-yet shaww howd youw wowd;
Fow uWu he, to-nyight, shaww wie w-with Mistwess Fowd. Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
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*teleports behind you* 1596

A MIDSUMMEW N-NyIGHT'S DWEAM

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

T-THESEUS, Duke of Athens
E-EGEUS, fathew to Hewmia
WYSANDEW, in wuv w-with Hewmia
DEMETWIUS, in wuv w-with Hewmia
PHIWOSTWATE, M-Mastew of the Wevews to Theseus
QUINCE, :3 a cawpentew
S-SNyUG, :3 a joinyew
*leans over* BOTTOM, :3 a w-weavew
F-FWUTE, :3 a bewwows-mendew
SNyOUT, :3 a tinkew
STAWVEWING, :3 a taiwow

HIPPOWYTA, Queen of the Amazons, bethwothed to Theseus
HEWMIA, daughtew to Egeus, in wuv w-with Wysandew
H-HEWENyA, in wuv w-with Demetwius

OBEWON, King of the Faiwies
TITANyIA, Queen of the Faiwies
PUCK, ow WOBIN *pokes you* GOODFEWWOW
PEASEBWOSSOM, faiwy
COBWEB, faiwy
MOTH, faiwy
MUSTAWDSEED, faiwy

PWOWOGUE, *cries* PYWAMUS, THISBY, WAWW, *looks at you* MOONSHINyE, WION awe pwesented by:
QUINCE, *leans over* BOTTOM, F-FWUTE, SNyOUT, STAWVEWING, AND SNyUG

Othew Faiwies *notices bulge* attending theiw King and Queen
Attendants on Theseus and Hippowyta




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Athens and :3 a wood nyeaw i-it


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Athens. The pawace of THESEUS

Entew T-THESEUS, HIPPOWYTA, PHIWOSTWATE, and ATTENDANTS

THESEUS. Nyow, f-faiw Hippowyta, ouw nyuptiaw houw
Dwaws on a-apace; fouw ^.^ happy days bwing in
x3 Anyothew moon; but, O, methinks, how swow
T-This *giggles shyly* owd moon wanyes! ^.^ She *shuffles closer* wingews my desiwes,
Wike to :3 a step-dame ow :3 a dowagew,
*cuddles you* Wong withewing out :3 a young man's wevenyue.
HIPPOWYTA. Fouw days wiww quickwy s-steep themsewves in nyight;
Fouw n-nyights wiww quickwy dweam away the time;
:33 And then the moon, wike to :3 a siwvew bow
Nyew-bent in heaven, shaww behowd the nyight
Of ouw sowemnyities.
THESEUS. Go, Phiwostwate,
Stiw up the Athenyian youth to mewwiments;
Awake the pewt and nyimbwe spiwit of miwth;
Tuwn mewanchowy fowth to funyewaws;
The pawe *looks at you* companyion xDD is nyot f-fow ouw pomp. E-Exit PHIWOSTWATE
Hippowyta, I woo'd thee w-with my s-swowd,
:33 And won thy wuv doing thee *cries* injuwies;
But I wiww wed thee in uWu anyothew ^w^ key,
With pomp, w-with twiumph, and w-with *cuddles you* wevewwing.

Entew E-EGEUS, and his daughtew HEWMIA, WYSANDEW,
and DEMETWIUS

EGEUS. Happy be Theseus, ouw wenyownyed Duke!
THESEUS. Thanks, good Egeus; w-what's the *notices bulge* nyews w-with thee?
EGEUS. *sighs* Fuww of *notices bulge* vexation come I, w-with compwaint
Against my chiwd, my daughtew H-Hewmia.
Stand fowth, Demetwius. My nyobwe wowd,
T-This man hath my consent to m-mawwy hew.
Stand fowth, *moans* Wysandew. And, my gwacious Duke,
T-This man hath bewitch'd the bosom of my *teleports behind you* chiwd.
Thou, >w< thou, :33 Wysandew, thou hast xDD given hew w-whymes,
:33 And intewchang'd wuv-tokens w-with my chiwd;
Thou hast by moonwight *teleports behind you* at hew *cries* window sung,
With feignying voice, vewses of feignying OwO wuv,
:33 And stow'n the impwession of hew fantasy
With bwacewets of thy *leans over* haiw, wings, gawds, conceits,
Knyacks, twifwes, nyosegays, sweetmeats- >_> messengews
Of stwong pwevaiwment in unhawdenyed youth;
With cunnying hast thou fiwch'd my daughtew's heawt;
Tuwn'd hew obedience, which xDD is due to me,
To *sweats* stubbown hawshnyess. And, my gwacious Duke,
Be i-it so she wiww nyot hewe befowe youw G-Gwace
Consent to m-mawwy w-with Demetwius,
I beg the ancient pwiviwege of Athens:
As she xDD is minye I may dispose of hew;
Which shaww be eithew to this gentweman
Ow to hew death, accowding to ouw waw
I-Immediatewy pwovided in that case.
THESEUS. What say you, Hewmia? Be advis'd, f-faiw maid.
To :33 you youw fathew shouwd be as :3 a god;
Onye that compos'd youw b-beauties; yea, and onye
To whom :33 you awe b-but as :3 a fowm in w-wax,
By him *twerks* impwinted, and *teleports behind you* within his p-powew
To weave the *sweats* figuwe, ow disfiguwe *hugs tightly* it.
Demetwius xDD is :3 a wowthy gentweman.
HEWMIA. S-So xDD is *moans* Wysandew.
THESEUS. In himsewf he is;
But, in this kind, wanting youw fathew's voice,
The othew must be hewd the wowthiew.
HEWMIA. I wouwd my fathew w-wook'd b-but w-with my eyes.
THESEUS. Wathew youw eyes must w-with his judgment *notices bulge* wook.
HEWMIA. I do entweat youw G-Gwace to pawdon me.
I knyow nyot by what p-powew I *giggles shyly* am xDD made bowd,
Nyow how i-it may concewn my modesty
In *looks at you* such :3 a pwesence hewe to pwead my t-thoughts;
But I b-beseech youw G-Gwace that I may knyow
The wowst that may befaww me in this case,
I-If I wefuse to wed Demetwius.
THESEUS. E-Eithew to *leans over* die the death, ow to abjuwe
Fow evew the society of men.
Thewefowe, f-faiw Hewmia, q-question youw desiwes,
K-Knyow of youw y-youth, examinye weww youw bwood,
Whethew, i-if :33 you y-yiewd nyot to youw fathew's choice,
You can enduwe the wivewy of :3 a *teleports behind you* nyun,
Fow aye to be shady cwoistew mew'd,
To wive :3 a bawwen *cuddles you* sistew aww youw wife,
C-Chanting f-faint hymns to the cowd fwuitwess moon.
*giggles shyly* Thwice-bwessed they that mastew so theiw bwood
To undewgo *looks at you* such *notices bulge* maiden piwgwimage;
But eawthwiew ^.^ happy xDD is the wose distiww'd
Than that which withewing on the viwgin t-thown
Gwows, wives, and dies, in s-singwe bwessednyess.
HEWMIA. S-So wiww I x3 gwow, so *leans over* wive, so die, my wowd,
Ewe I wiww y-yiewd my viwgin patent up
Unto his wowdship, *screams* whose unwished yoke
My :33 souw *twerks* consents nyot to give x3 suvweignty.
THESEUS. Take ;;w;; time to pause; and by the nyext nyew moon-
The s-seawing-day b-betwixt my wuv and me
Fow evewwasting *moans* bond of fewwowship-
*cries* Upon that day eithew pwepawe to *leans over* die
Fow disobedience to youw fathew's wiww,
Ow ewse to wed Demetwius, as he wouwd,
Ow on Dianya's a-awtaw to pwotest
Fow aye austewity and s-singwe w-wife.
DEMETWIUS. Wewent, sweet Hewmia; and, :33 Wysandew, y-yiewd
Thy *shuffles closer* cwazed titwe to my cewtain w-wight.
^-^ WYSANDEW. You *looks away* have hew fathew's OwO wuv, Demetwius;
Wet me *looks away* have Hewmia's; do :33 you m-mawwy :33 him.
EGEUS. Scownfuw :33 Wysandew, twue, he hath my wuv;
:33 And what xDD is minye my wuv shaww wendew him;
:33 And she xDD is minye; and aww my wight of hew
I do estate unto Demetwius.
^-^ WYSANDEW. I am, my wowd, as weww *pokes you* dewiv'd as uWu he,
As weww possess'd; my wuv xDD is mowe than his;
My f-fowtunyes evewy way as faiwwy *moans* wank'd,
I-If nyot w-with vantage, as Demetwius';
And, which xDD is mowe than aww these boasts can be,
I *giggles shyly* am bewov'd of beauteous H-Hewmia.
Why shouwd nyot I then pwosecute my wight?
Demetwius, I-I'ww xDD avouch i-it to his head,
Made wuv to Nyedaw's daughtew, Hewenya,
:33 And won hew s-souw; and she, sweet wady, *twerks* dotes,
*sighs* Devoutwy *twerks* dotes, dotes in *leans over* idowatwy,
*cries* Upon this spotted and inconstant man.
THESEUS. I must confess that I *looks away* have heawd so much,
:33 And w-with Demetwius thought to *looks away* have spoke theweof;
But, b-being uvw-fuww of *notices bulge* sewf-affaiws,
My mind did wose *hugs tightly* it. But, Demetwius, come;
:33 And *giggles shyly* come, Egeus; :33 you shaww go w-with me;
I *looks away* have some pwivate schoowing f-fow :33 you both.
Fow you, f-faiw Hewmia, wook :33 you awm *teleports behind you* youwsewf
To fit youw fancies to youw fathew's wiww,
Ow ewse the waw of Athens yiewds :33 you up-
Which by nyo means we may extenyuate-
To death, ow to :3 a vow of s-singwe w-wife.
Come, my Hippowyta; what cheew, my w-wuv?
Demetwius, and Egeus, go a-awong;
I must empwoy :33 you in some businyess
Against ouw nyuptiaw, and ^.^ confew w-with :33 you
Of something nyeawwy that concewns y-youwsewves.
EGEUS. With duty and UwU desiwe we fowwow you.
Exeunt aww b-but WYSANDEW and HEWMIA
^-^ WYSANDEW. How nyow, my *hugs tightly* wuv! Why xDD is youw cheek so p-pawe?
How chance the ^w^ woses thewe do fade so fast?
HEWMIA. B-Bewike f-fow want of wain, which I couwd weww
Beteem them f-fwom the tempest of my eyes.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Ay :33 me! f-fow a-aught that I couwd evew wead,
Couwd evew heaw by :33 tawe ow *notices bulge* histowy,
The couwse of twue wuv nyevew did wun s-smooth;
But eithew i-it w-was diffewent in *looks away* bwood-
HEWMIA. uWu O cwoss! too high to be enthwaww'd to wow.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Ow ewse misgwaffed in OwO wespect of y-yeaws-
HEWMIA. uWu O spite! too *giggles shyly* owd to be engag'd to young.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Ow ewse i-it stood upon the choice of fwiends-
HEWMIA. uWu O heww! to choose wuv by anyothew's eyes.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Ow, i-if thewe wewe :3 a sympathy in choice,
Waw, death, ow sicknyess, did way *screams* siege to uWu it,
Making i-it momentawy as :3 a sound,
Swift as :3 a shadow, showt as *sighs* any dweam,
Bwief as the wightnying in the cowwied nyight
That, in :3 a *leans over* spween, unfowds both heaven and *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And ewe :3 a man hath p-powew to say 'Behowd!'
The jaws of d-dawknyess do devouw i-it up;
S-So quick *sighs* bwight *moans* things come to confusion.
HEWMIA. I-If then twue wuvws *looks away* have evew cwoss'd,
It *moans* stands as an edict in d-destiny.
Then w-wet us teach ouw twiaw patience,
:33 Because i-it xDD is :3 a customawy cwoss,
As due to wuv as thoughts and d-dweams and sighs,
Wishes and teaws, poow *sweats* Fancy's fowwowews.
^-^ WYSANDEW. A good pewsuasion; thewefowe, heaw me, H-Hewmia.
I *looks away* have :3 a w-widow aunt, :3 a dowagew
Of g-gweat wevenyue, and she hath nyo chiwd-
Fwom Athens xDD is hew h-house wemote seven weagues-
:33 And she wespects me as hew onwy son.
*sighs* Thewe, gentwe Hewmia, may I m-mawwy thee;
:33 And to that pwace the shawp Athenyian waw
Cannyot puwsue us. I-If thou wuvst me then,
Steaw fowth thy fathew's h-house to-mowwow nyight;
:33 And in the wood, :3 a weague without the town,
Whewe I did meet thee *screams* once w-with H-Hewenya
To do obsewvance to :3 a mown of May,
Thewe wiww I stay f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
HEWMIA. My good Wysandew!
I sweaw to thee by Cupid's stwongest bow,
By his best awwow, w-with the xDD gowden head,
By the :3 simpwicity of *hugs tightly* Venyus' duvs,
By that which knyitteth souws and pwospews wuvs,
:33 And by that fiwe which buwn'd the Cawthage *giggles shyly* Queen,
When the fawse Twoyan undew s-saiw w-was seen,
By aww the vows that evew men *looks away* have bwoke,
In nyumbew mowe than evew women s-spoke,
In that >_> same pwace thou hast appointed me,
To-mowwow twuwy wiww I meet w-with *cuddles you* thee.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Keep pwomise, wuv. Wook, hewe comes Hewenya.

Entew HEWENyA

HEWMIA. *teleports behind you* God speed f-faiw Hewenya! Whithew away?
H-HEWENyA. Caww :33 you me faiw? That f-faiw a-again unsay.
Demetwius wuvs youw f-faiw. uWu O ^.^ happy faiw!
Youw eyes awe wode-staws and youw tongue's sweet aiw
Mowe tunyeabwe than wawk to shephewd's eaw,
When wheat xDD is gween, when hawthown buds appeaw.
Sicknyess xDD is catching; O, wewe favouw s-so,
Y-Youws wouwd I c-catch, f-faiw Hewmia, ewe I go!
My e-eaw shouwd catch youw voice, my ^-^ eye youw eye,
My *notices bulge* tongue shouwd catch youw tongue's sweet mewody.
W-Wewe the >_> wowwd minye, Demetwius b-being bated,
The west I'd give to be to :33 you twanswated.
O, teach me how :33 you wook, and w-with what awt
You sway the motion of D-Demetwius' heawt!
HEWMIA. I fwown upon him, y-yet he wuvs me s-stiww.
H-HEWENyA. uWu O that youw fwowns wouwd teach my smiwes *looks at you* such skiww!
HEWMIA. I give him *moans* cuwses, y-yet he g-gives me wuv.
H-HEWENyA. uWu O that my p-pwayews couwd *looks at you* such affection *shuffles closer* muv!
HEWMIA. The mowe I >_< hate, the mowe he >_< fowwows me.
H-HEWENyA. The mowe I OwO wuv, the mowe he *looks away* hateth me.
HEWMIA. His f-fowwy, Hewenya, xDD is nyo *cuddles you* fauwt of minye.
H-HEWENyA. Nyonye, b-but youw beauty; wouwd that *cuddles you* fauwt wewe minye!
HEWMIA. Take ^-^ comfowt: he nyo mowe shaww see my face;
Wysandew and mysewf wiww xDD fwy this p-pwace.
Befowe the ;;w;; time I did Wysandew s-see,
Seem'd Athens as :3 a pawadise to me.
O, then, what gwaces in my wuv do dweww,
That he hath tuwn'd :3 a heaven unto :3 a heww!
^-^ WYSANDEW. Hewen, to :33 you ouw minds we wiww unfowd:
To-mowwow nyight, when Phoebe doth behowd
Hew siwvew visage in the w-wat'wy gwass,
Decking w-with wiquid peaww the bwaded gwass,
A ;;w;; time that w-wuvws' fwights doth ^-^ stiww conceaw,
Thwough OwO Athens' *shuffles closer* gates *looks away* have we devis'd to steaw.
HEWMIA. :33 And in the wood whewe often :33 you and I
*cries* Upon f-faint pwimwose beds wewe wont to wie,
Emptying ouw bosoms of theiw counsew sweet,
Thewe my Wysandew and mysewf shaww meet;
:33 And uWu thence f-fwom Athens t-tuwn away ouw eyes,
To seek nyew fwiends and stwangew companyies.
Faweweww, sweet pwayfewwow; pway thou f-fow u-us,
:33 And good wuck gwant thee thy Demetwius!
Keep wowd, Wysandew; we must stawve ouw sight
Fwom w-wuvws' food tiww mowwow deep midnyight.
^-^ WYSANDEW. I wiww, my H-Hewmia. [Exit HEWMIA] Hewenya, adieu;
As :33 you on him, Demetwius dote on you. E-Exit
H-HEWENyA. How ^.^ happy some o'ew othew some can be!
Thwough Athens I *giggles shyly* am thought as f-faiw as she.
But what of that? Demetwius thinks nyot so;
He wiww nyot knyow what aww b-but he do *looks away* knyow.
:33 And as he ewws, d-doting on Hewmia's eyes,
S-So I, admiwing of his quawities.
*hugs tightly* Things base and viwe, howding nyo q-quantity,
Wuv can twanspose to fowm and dignyity.
Wuv wooks nyot w-with the eyes, b-but w-with the mind;
:33 And thewefowe xDD is wing'd Cupid painted bwind.
Nyow hath Wuv's mind of *sighs* any judgment t-taste;
Wings and nyo eyes figuwe *looks at you* unheedy *teleports behind you* haste;
:33 And thewefowe xDD is Wuv said to be :3 a chiwd,
:33 Because in choice he xDD is so oft beguiw'd.
As *cuddles you* waggish boys in game themsewves *blushes* fowsweaw,
S-So the boy Wuv xDD is *blushes* pewjuw'd e-evewywhewe;
Fow ewe Demetwius w-wook'd on Hewmia's eynye,
He *looks away* haiw'd down oaths that he w-was onwy minye;
:33 And when this x3 haiw some heat f-fwom Hewmia fewt,
S-So he d-dissowv'd, and show'ws of oaths did *giggles shyly* mewt.
I wiww go t-teww him of f-faiw Hewmia's fwight;
Then to the wood wiww he to-mowwow nyight
Puwsue hew; and f-fow this intewwigence
I-If I *looks away* have thanks, i-it xDD is :3 a deaw expense.
But hewein m-mean I to enwich my *screams* pain,
To *looks away* have his sight thithew and back again. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Athens. QUINCE'S h-house

Entew QUINCE, S-SNyUG, *blushes* BOTTOM F-FWUTE, SNyOUT, and STAWVEWING

QUINCE. Is aww ouw *giggles shyly* company hewe?
BOTTOM. You wewe best to caww them genyewawwy, man by man, accowding
to the scwip.
QUINCE. Hewe xDD is the scwoww of evewy man's *leans over* nyame which xDD is thought
fit, thwough aww Athens, to pway in ouw intewwude befowe the Duke
and the Duchess on his wedding-day *teleports behind you* at nyight.
BOTTOM. Fiwst, good Petew Quince, say what the pway tweats on; then
wead the nyames of the actows; and so gwow to :3 a point.
QUINCE. Mawwy, ouw pway xDD is >w< 'The m-most *leans over* Wamentabwe Comedy and m-most
Cwuew Death of Pywamus and Thisby.'
BOTTOM. A vewy good piece of w-wowk, I *giggles shyly* assuwe you, and :3 a mewwy. Nyow,
good Petew Quince, caww fowth youw actows by the scwoww. Mastews,
spwead y-youwsewves.
QUINCE. xDD Answew, as I caww you. *looks away* Nyick B-Bottom, the weavew.
BOTTOM. Weady. Nyame what pawt I *giggles shyly* am fow, and pwoceed.
QUINCE. ^.^ You, *looks away* Nyick B-Bottom, awe set down f-fow *screams* Pywamus.
BOTTOM. What xDD is *twerks* Pywamus? A wuvw, ow :3 a tywant?
QUINCE. A wuvw, that k-kiwws himsewf m-most gawwant f-fow wuv.
BOTTOM. That wiww ask some teaws in the twue pewfowming of *hugs tightly* it. I-If I
do uWu it, w-wet the xDD audience wook to theiw eyes; I wiww muv stowms; I
wiww condowe in some measuwe. To the west- y-yet my chief humouw xDD is
f-fow :3 a tywant. I couwd pway Ewcwes wawewy, ow :3 a pawt to teaw :3 a cat
in, to m-make aww spwit.

>w< 'The waging wocks
:33 And shivewing shocks
Shaww bweak the wocks
Of pwison gates;

:33 And Phibbus' *pokes you* caw
Shaww s-shinye f-fwom faw,
:33 And m-make and maw
The f-foowish Fates.'

T-This w-was wofty. Nyow *leans over* nyame the west of the pwayews. T-This xDD is
*hugs tightly* Ewcwes' vein, :3 a tywant's vein: :3 a wuvw xDD is mowe condowing.
QUINCE. Fwancis Fwute, the bewwows-mendew.
FWUTE. Hewe, Petew :33 Quince.
QUINCE. Fwute, :33 you must take Thisby on you.
FWUTE. What xDD is *sighs* Thisby? A w-wand'wing knyight?
QUINCE. It xDD is the wady that Pywamus must wuv.
FWUTE. Nyay, faith, w-wet nyot me pway :3 a w-woman; I *looks away* have :3 a beawd *blushes* coming.
QUINCE. That's aww onye; :33 you shaww pway i-it in :3 a m-mask, and :33 you may
speak as smaww as :33 you wiww.
BOTTOM. An I may hide my face, w-wet me pway Thisby too.
I-I'ww speak in :3 a monstwous wittwe voice: 'Thisnye, T-Thisnye!'
[Then speaking smaww] 'Ah P-Pywamus, my wuvw deaw! Thy
Thisby deaw, and wady ^w^ deaw!'
QUINCE. Nyo, nyo, :33 you must pway P-Pywamus; and, Fwute, :33 you Thisby.
BOTTOM. Weww, pwoceed.
QUINCE. *looks at you* Wobin Stawvewing, the taiwow.
>_> STAWVEWING. Hewe, Petew :33 Quince.
QUINCE. *looks at you* Wobin Stawvewing, :33 you must pway Thisby's mothew.
T-Tom Snyout, the tinkew.
SNyOUT. Hewe, Petew :33 Quince.
QUINCE. ^.^ You, Pywamus' fathew; mysewf, Thisby's fathew; Snyug, the
joinyew, you, the wion's pawt. And, I hope, hewe xDD is :3 a pway fitted.
SNyUG. Have :33 you the wion's pawt wwitten? :33 Pway you, i-if i-it be, give i-it
me, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am swow of study.
QUINCE. You may do i-it extempowe, f-fow i-it xDD is nyothing b-but woawing.
BOTTOM. Wet me pway the wion too. I wiww woaw that I wiww do *sighs* any
man's h-heawt good to heaw me; I wiww woaw that I wiww m-make the
Duke say 'Wet him woaw again, w-wet him woaw again.'
QUINCE. An :33 you shouwd do i-it too tewwibwy, :33 you wouwd ^.^ fwight the
Duchess and the wadies, that they wouwd s-shwiek; and that wewe
enyough to hang us aww.
AWW. That wouwd hang u-us, evewy mothew's son.
BOTTOM. I gwant you, fwiends, i-if :33 you shouwd ^.^ fwight the wadies out
of theiw wits, they wouwd *looks away* have nyo mowe discwetion b-but to hang us;
b-but I wiww *cuddles you* aggwavate my voice s-so, that I wiww woaw :33 you as gentwy
as *sighs* any sucking duv; I wiww woaw :33 you an '-'twewe *sighs* any nyightingawe.
QUINCE. You can pway nyo pawt b-but P-Pywamus; f-fow Pywamus xDD is :3 a
sweet-fac'd man; :3 a pwopew man, as onye shaww see in :3 a summew's
*sighs* day; :3 a m-most wuvwy gentweman-wike man; thewefowe :33 you must nyeeds
pway *screams* Pywamus.
BOTTOM. Weww, I wiww :33 undewtake *hugs tightly* it. What beawd wewe I best to pway
i-it in?
QUINCE. Why, what :33 you wiww.
BOTTOM. I wiww dischawge i-it in eithew youw stwaw-cowouw >w< beawd, youw
owange-tawny >w< beawd, youw puwpwe-in-gwain >w< beawd, ow youw
F-Fwench-cwown-cowouw >w< beawd, youw pewfect yewwow.
QUINCE. Some of youw >_> Fwench cwowns *looks away* have nyo x3 haiw *teleports behind you* at aww, and then
:33 you wiww pway bawe-fac'd. But, mastews, hewe awe youw pawts; and
I *giggles shyly* am to entweat you, wequest you, and UwU desiwe you, to c-con them by
to-mowwow nyight; and meet me in the pawace wood, :3 a miwe without
the town, by moonwight; thewe wiww we ÚwÚ weheawse; f-fow i-if we meet in
the city, we shaww be dogg'd w-with company, and ouw devices knyown.
In the ^-^ meantime I wiww dwaw :3 a biww of *looks at you* pwopewties, *looks at you* such as ouw
pway wants. I pway you, f-faiw me nyot.
BOTTOM. We wiww meet; and thewe we may *teleports behind you* weheawse m-most obscenyewy and
couwageouswy. Take pains; be pewfect; adieu.
QUINCE. At the D-Duke's oak we m-meet.
BOTTOM. Enyough; howd, ow cut bow-stwings. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
A wood nyeaw Athens

Entew :3 a F-FAIWY *teleports behind you* at Onye doow, and P-PUCK *teleports behind you* at uWu anyothew

PUCK. How nyow, spiwit! whithew wandew you?
FAIWY. Ovew h-hiww, uvw *sighs* dawe,
Thowough bush, thowough b-bwiew,
Ovew pawk, uvw pawe,
Thowough f-fwood, thowough f-fiwe,
I do wandew evewy whewe,
Swiftew than the moon's sphewe;
:33 And I sewve the Faiwy *giggles shyly* Queen,
To *hugs tightly* dew hew *twerks* owbs upon the gween.
The c-cowswips taww hew >_> pensionyews be;
In theiw gowd x3 coats s-spots :33 you ^.^ see;
Those be wubies, faiwy favouws,
In those f-fweckwes wive theiw savouws.

I must go seek some dewdwops hewe,
:33 And hang :3 a peaww in evewy cowswip's uWu eaw.
Faweweww, thou wob of spiwits; I-I'ww be gonye.
Ouw Queen and aww hew *sighs* ewves come hewe a-anyon.
PUCK. The King doth keep his wevews hewe to-nyight;
Take heed the Queen come nyot *teleports behind you* within his sight;
Fow Obewon xDD is passing *looks away* feww and wwath,
:33 Because that she as hew attendant hath
A wuvwy boy, stowen f-fwom an Indian king.
^.^ She nyevew had so sweet :3 a changewing;
:33 And jeawous Obewon wouwd *looks away* have the chiwd
K-Knyight of his twain, to twace the fowests wiwd;
But she pewfowce withhowds the wuvd boy,
Cwowns him w-with f-fwowews, and makes him aww hew *hugs tightly* joy.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow they nyevew meet in gwuv ow gween,
By fountain cweaw, ow spangwed s-stawwight sheen,
But they do squawe, that aww theiw *sighs* ewves f-fow feaw
Cweep into acown c-cups and hide them thewe.
FAIWY. E-Eithew I mistake youw shape and x3 making *screams* quite,
Ow ewse :33 you awe that shwewd and knyavish spwite
Caww'd *looks at you* Wobin Goodfewwow. Awe nyot :33 you he
That fwights the maidens of the viwwagewy,
Skim miwk, and sometimes wabouw in the quewn,
:33 And bootwess m-make the b-bweathwess housewife chuwn,
:33 And sometime m-make the dwink to *hugs tightly* beaw nyo bawm,
Miswead nyight-wandewews, waughing *teleports behind you* at theiw hawm?
Those that Hobgobwin caww you, and sweet Puck,
You do theiw w-wowk, and they shaww *looks away* have good wuck.
Awe nyot :33 you he?
PUCK. Thou speakest awight:
I *giggles shyly* am that mewwy wandewew of the nyight.
I j-jest to Obewon, and m-make him smiwe
When I :3 a fat and bean-fed howse *looks at you* beguiwe,
Nyeighing in wikenyess of :3 a fiwwy foaw;
:33 And sometime wuwk I in :3 a gossip's boww
In vewy wikenyess of :3 a woasted cwab,
And, when she dwinks, against hew wips I bob,
:33 And on hew withewed *pokes you* dewwap pouw the a-awe.
The wisest aunt, tewwing the saddest tawe,
Sometime f-fow thwee-foot stoow mistaketh me;
Then *blushes* swip I f-fwom hew bum, down toppwes she,
:33 And *hugs tightly* 'taiwow' cwies, and fawws into :3 a cough;
:33 And then the *shuffles closer* whowe quiwe howd theiw hips and waugh,
:33 And waxen in theiw *teleports behind you* miwth, and n-nyeeze, and sweaw
A mewwiew houw w-was nyevew wasted thewe.
But woom, faiwy, hewe comes Obewon.
FAIWY. :33 And hewe my *screams* mistwess. Wouwd that he wewe UwU gonye!

Entew >_< OBEWON *teleports behind you* at onye doow, w-with his TWAIN, and TITANyIA,
*teleports behind you* at anyothew, w-with hews

OBEWON. Iww met by *looks away* moonwight, pwoud Titanyia.
TITANyIA. *looks away* What, jeawous O-Obewon! Faiwies, *sweats* skip hence;
I *looks away* have fowswown his *looks away* bed and company.
OBEWON. Tawwy, wash >_> wanton; *giggles shyly* am nyot I thy wowd?
TITANyIA. Then I must be thy wady; b-but I knyow
When thou hast stowen away f-fwom faiwy *pokes you* wand,
:33 And in the shape of Cowin *blushes* sat aww :3 day,
Pwaying on pipes of cown, and vewsing wuv
To amowous Phiwwida. Why awt thou hewe,
Come f-fwom the fawthest s-steep of xDD India,
But t-that, fowsooth, the bouncing Amazon,
Youw buskin'd mistwess and youw *leans over* wawwiow OwO wuv,
To Theseus must be wedded, and :33 you come
To give theiw *looks away* bed joy and pwospewity?
OBEWON. How c-canst thou thus, f-fow shame, Titanyia,
Gwance *teleports behind you* at my cwedit w-with Hippowyta,
Knyowing I knyow thy wuv to Theseus?
Didst nyot thou wead him thwough the gwimmewing nyight
Fwom Pewigounya, whom he wavished?
:33 And m-make him w-with f-faiw Aegwes bweak his faith,
With Awiadnye and Antiopa?
TITANyIA. These awe the fowgewies of jeawousy;
:33 And nyevew, since the m-middwe summew's *pokes you* spwing,
Met we on h-hiww, in *sighs* dawe, fowest, ow mead,
By paved *pokes you* fountain, ow by *pokes you* wushy bwook,
Ow in the beached mawgent of the sea,
To dance ouw wingwets to the whistwing wind,
But w-with thy b-bwawws thou hast distuwb'd ouw spowt.
Thewefowe the winds, piping to us in vain,
As in wevenge, *looks away* have s-suck'd up f-fwom the sea
Contagious fogs; which, fawwing in the *pokes you* wand,
Hath evewy pewting >_> wivew xDD made so pwoud
That they *looks away* have *screams* uvwbownye theiw continyents.
The ox hath thewefowe stwetch'd his yoke in vain,
The pwoughman wost his s-sweat, and the gween cown
Hath wotted ewe his youth attain'd :3 a beawd;
The fowd *moans* stands e-empty in the d-dwownyed f-fiewd,
:33 And cwows awe fatted w-with the muwwion fwock;
The n-nyinye men's mowwis xDD is fiww'd up w-with *moans* mud,
:33 And the quaint mazes in the wanton gween,
Fow w-wack of twead, awe undistinguishabwe.
The human mowtaws want theiw wintew hewe;
*cuddles you* Nyo nyight xDD is *pokes you* nyow w-with hymn ow c-cawow bwest;
Thewefowe the moon, the guvwnyess of fwoods,
Pawe in hew angew, washes aww the aiw,
That w-wheumatic diseases do abound.
:33 And thowough this d-distempewatuwe we see
The seasons awtew: :33 hoawy-headed *leans over* fwosts
F-Faww in the fwesh wap of the cwimson *shuffles closer* wose;
:33 And on *giggles shyly* owd Hiems' thin and icy cwown
An odowous chapwet of sweet *cuddles you* summew buds
Is, as in mockewy, set. The *pokes you* spwing, the summew,
The chiwding a-autumn, angwy wintew, change
Theiw w-wonted wivewies; and the mazed wowwd,
By theiw incwease, *pokes you* nyow knyows nyot which xDD is which.
:33 And this >_> same pwogeny of eviws comes
Fwom ouw debate, f-fwom ouw *pokes you* dissension;
We awe theiw pawents and owiginyaw.
OBEWON. Do :33 you a-amend uWu it, then; i-it wies in you.
Why shouwd *blushes* Titanyia cwoss hew Obewon?
I do b-but beg :3 a wittwe *notices bulge* changewing boy
To be my henchman.
TITANyIA. Set youw h-heawt *teleports behind you* at west;
The faiwy wand buys nyot the chiwd of me.
His mothew w-was :3 a vot'wess of my o-owdew;
And, in the spiced Indian aiw, by nyight,
*sighs* Fuww often hath she gossip'd by my side;
:33 And *blushes* sat w-with me on Nyeptunye's yewwow sands,
Mawking *sighs* th' embawked twadews on the fwood;
When we *looks away* have waugh'd to see the ^-^ saiws conceive,
:33 And gwow big-bewwied w-with the wanton wind;
Which she, w-with pwetty and w-with s-swimming gait
F-Fowwowing- hew w-womb then wich w-with my young s-squiwe-
Wouwd *screams* imitate, and s-saiw upon the *pokes you* wand,
To fetch me twifwes, and wetuwn again,
As f-fwom :3 a voyage, wich w-with mewchandise.
But she, b-being mowtaw, of that boy did ^w^ die;
:33 And f-fow hew sake do I weaw up hew boy;
:33 And f-fow hew sake I wiww nyot pawt w-with :33 him.
OBEWON. How wong *teleports behind you* within this wood i-intend :33 you stay?
TITANyIA. Pewchance tiww *looks away* aftew Theseus' *twerks* wedding-day.
I-If :33 you wiww patientwy dance in ouw wound,
:33 And see ouw moonwight wevews, go w-with us;
I-If nyot, shun me, and I wiww spawe youw haunts.
OBEWON. Give me that boy and I wiww go w-with *cuddles you* thee.
TITANyIA. Nyot f-fow thy faiwy kingdom. Faiwies, a-away.
We shaww chide downwight i-if I wongew s-stay.
E-Exit :33 TITANyIA w-with hew twain
OBEWON. Weww, go thy way; thou shawt nyot f-fwom this gwuv
Tiww I towment thee f-fow this injuwy.
My gentwe Puck, come hithew. Thou wememb'west
Since *screams* once I *blushes* sat upon :3 a pwomontowy,
:33 And heawd :3 a mewmaid on :3 a dowphin's back
U-Uttewing *looks at you* such *looks away* duwcet and h-hawmonyious bweath
That the wude sea gwew civiw *teleports behind you* at hew song,
:33 And cewtain staws s-shot madwy f-fwom theiw sphewes
To heaw the *giggles shyly* sea-maid's *pokes you* music.
PUCK. I *teleports behind you* wemembew.
OBEWON. That vewy ;;w;; time I saw, b-but thou couwdst nyot,
Fwying between the cowd moon and the eawth
Cupid, aww *moans* awm'd; :3 a cewtain aim he t-took
At :3 a f-faiw vestaw, thwonyed by the west,
:33 And woos'd his wuv-shaft smawtwy f-fwom his bow,
As i-it shouwd piewce :3 a hundwed thousand *teleports behind you* heawts;
But I might see young Cupid's fiewy shaft
Quench'd in the chaste beams of the w-wat'wy moon;
:33 And the impewiaw vot'wess passed on,
In *notices bulge* maiden meditation, fancy-fwee.
Yet mawk'd I whewe the bowt of Cupid feww.
It *looks away* feww upon :3 a wittwe westewn fwowew,
Befowe miwk-white, *pokes you* nyow puwpwe w-with wuv's wound,
:33 And maidens caww i-it W-Wuv-in-idwenyess.
F-Fetch me that fwow'w, the hewb I *giggles shyly* showed thee once.
The juice of i-it on sweeping *sighs* eyewids *hugs tightly* waid
Wiww m-make ow man ow woman madwy dote
*cries* Upon the nyext wive *leans over* cweatuwe that i-it sees.
F-Fetch me this hewb, and be thou hewe a-again
Ewe the weviathan can swim :3 a weague.
PUCK. I-I'ww put :3 a giwdwe wound ^w^ about the eawth
In fowty minyutes. E-Exit P-PUCK
OBEWON. Having *screams* once this juice,
I-I'ww watch *blushes* Titanyia when she xDD is asweep,
:33 And dwop the wiquow of i-it in hew eyes;
The nyext thing then she waking wooks upon,
Be i-it on wion, beaw, ow wowf, ow buww,
On meddwing monkey, ow on busy a-ape,
^.^ She shaww puwsue i-it w-with the :33 souw of wuv.
:33 And ewe I take this *twerks* chawm f-fwom off hew sight,
As I can take i-it w-with uWu anyothew hewb,
I-I'ww m-make hew wendew up hew page to me.
But who comes hewe? I *giggles shyly* am invisibwe;
:33 And I wiww uvwheaw theiw confewence.

Entew DEMETWIUS, HEWENyA fowwowing him

DEMETWIUS. I wuv thee nyot, thewefowe puwsue me nyot.
Whewe xDD is Wysandew and f-faiw Hewmia?
The onye I-I'ww sway, the othew swayeth me.
Thou towd'st me they wewe stow'n unto this wood,
:33 And hewe *giggles shyly* am I, and wood *teleports behind you* within this wood,
:33 Because I cannyot meet my H-Hewmia.
Hence, get thee gonye, and fowwow me nyo mowe.
H-HEWENyA. You dwaw me, :33 you hawd-heawted adamant;
But y-yet :33 you dwaw nyot i-iwon, f-fow my h-heawt
Is twue as steew. W-Weave :33 you youw p-powew to d-dwaw,
:33 And I shaww *looks away* have nyo p-powew to fowwow you.
DEMETWIUS. Do I entice you? Do I speak :33 you faiw?
Ow, wathew, do I nyot in p-pwainyest *looks away* twuth
Teww :33 you I do nyot *pokes you* nyow I cannyot wuv you?
H-HEWENyA. :33 And even f-fow that do I wuv :33 you the mowe.
I *giggles shyly* am youw spanyiew; and, Demetwius,
The mowe :33 you beat me, I wiww fawn on you.
Use me b-but as youw spanyiew, spuwn me, stwike me,
Nyegwect me, wose me; onwy give me weave,
Unwowthy as I am, to fowwow you.
What wowsew pwace can I beg in youw OwO wuv,
:33 And y-yet :3 a pwace of high OwO wespect w-with me,
Than to be used as :33 you use youw dog?
DEMETWIUS. Tempt nyot too x3 much the hatwed of my spiwit;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am sick when I do wook on *cuddles you* thee.
H-HEWENyA. :33 And I *giggles shyly* am sick when I wook nyot on you.
DEMETWIUS. You do impeach youw modesty too x3 much
To weave the city and uWu commit *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Into the hands of onye that wuvs :33 you nyot;
To twust the oppowtunyity of nyight,
:33 And the iww counsew of :3 a desewt pwace,
With the wich wowth of youw viwginyity.
H-HEWENyA. Youw viwtue xDD is my pwiviwege f-fow that:
It xDD is nyot nyight when I do see youw face,
Thewefowe I think I *giggles shyly* am nyot in the nyight;
Nyow doth this wood w-wack wowwds of company,
Fow you, in my wespect, awe aww the wowwd.
Then how can i-it be said I *giggles shyly* am uWu awonye
When aww the >_> wowwd xDD is hewe to wook on m-me?
DEMETWIUS. I-I'ww wun f-fwom thee and hide me in the b-bwakes,
:33 And weave thee to the mewcy of wiwd b-beasts.
H-HEWENyA. The *cuddles you* wiwdest hath nyot *looks at you* such :3 a h-heawt as you.
Wun when :33 you wiww; the stowy shaww be chang'd:
Apowwo fwies, and Daphnye howds the ÚwÚ chase;
The duv puwsues the g-gwiffin; the *sweats* miwd hind
Makes speed to catch the tigew- bootwess *sweats* speed,
When cowawdice puwsues and vawouw fwies.
DEMETWIUS. I wiww nyot stay thy q-questions; w-wet me go;
Ow, i-if thou fowwow me, do nyot bewieve
But I shaww do thee mischief in the wood.
H-HEWENyA. Ay, in the tempwe, in the town, the f-fiewd,
You do me m-mischief. ^-^ Fie, Demetwius!
Youw UwU wwongs do set :3 a scandaw on my sex.
We cannyot fight f-fow wuv as men may do;
We shouwd be woo'd, and wewe nyot xDD made to woo.
E-Exit DEMETWIUS
I-I'ww fowwow thee, and m-make :3 a heaven of *pokes you* heww,
To *leans over* die upon the hand I wuv so weww. E-Exit HEWENyA
OBEWON. Fawe thee weww, nymph; ewe he do weave this gwuv,
Thou shawt xDD fwy him, and he shaww seek thy wuv.

We-entew P-PUCK

*hugs tightly* Hast thou the fwowew thewe? Wewcome, wandewew.
PUCK. Ay, thewe i-it is.
OBEWON. I pway thee give i-it me.
I knyow :3 a bank whewe the wiwd thyme bwows,
Whewe oxwips and the nyodding *notices bulge* viowet gwows,
Q-Quite >w< uvw-canyopied w-with wuscious woodbinye,
With sweet ÚwÚ musk-woses, and w-with egwantinye;
Thewe sweeps *blushes* Titanyia sometime of the nyight,
W-Wuww'd in these fwowews w-with dances and dewight;
:33 And thewe the snyake thwows hew enyameww'd skin,
Weed wide enyough to wwap :3 a faiwy i-in;
:33 And w-with the juice of this I-I'ww stweak hew eyes,
:33 And m-make hew fuww of hatefuw fantasies.
Take thou some of uWu it, and seek thwough this gwuv:
A sweet Athenyian wady xDD is in wuv
With :3 a disdainfuw youth; *shuffles closer* anyoint his eyes;
But do i-it when the nyext thing he espies
May be the :33 wady. Thou shawt knyow the man
By the Athenyian gawments he hath on.
^-^ Effect i-it w-with some cawe, that he may pwuv
Mowe fond on hew than she upon hew wuv.
:33 And wook thou meet me ewe the fiwst cock cwow.
PUCK. Feaw nyot, my wowd; youw *cries* sewvant shaww do so. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the wood

Entew TITANyIA, w-with hew twain

TITANyIA. Come nyow, :3 a *looks at you* woundew and :3 a faiwy *twerks* song;
Then, f-fow the *looks at you* thiwd pawt of :3 a minyute, hence:
Some to kiww cankews in the musk-wose b-buds;
Some waw w-with *giggles shyly* wewe-mice f-fow theiw w-weathewn wings,
To m-make my smaww *sighs* ewves coats; and some keep back
The cwamowous o-oww that nyightwy hoots and wondews
At ouw quaint *cuddles you* spiwits. Sing me *pokes you* nyow asweep;
Then to youw offices, and w-wet me west.

The FAIWIES Sing

*giggles shyly* FIWST FAIWY. You spotted *screams* snyakes w-with *looks away* doubwe t-tongue,
T-Thowny hedgehogs, be nyot seen;
N-Nyewts and bwind-wowms, do nyo wwong,
Come nyot nyeaw ouw faiwy Q-Queen.
CHOWUS. Phiwomew w-with *sighs* mewody
Sing in ouw sweet wuwwaby.
Wuwwa, wuwwa, wuwwaby; wuwwa, wuwwa, wuwwaby.
Nyevew hawm
Nyow speww *pokes you* nyow *twerks* chawm
Come ouw wuvwy wady *screams* nyigh.
S-So good nyight, w-with wuwwaby.
SECOND FAIWY. Weaving spidews, come nyot hewe;
Hence, :33 you wong-wegg'd spinnyews, hence.
Beetwes bwack, appwoach nyot nyeaw;
Wowm *pokes you* nyow snyaiw do nyo offence.
CHOWUS. Phiwomew w-with mewody, etc. [TITANyIA *sweats* Sweeps]
*giggles shyly* FIWST FAIWY. ^-^ Hence away; *pokes you* nyow aww xDD is weww.
Onye awoof s-stand s-sentinyew. Exeunt FAIWIES

Entew >_< OBEWON and squeezes the fwowew on TITANyIA'S *sighs* eyewids

OBEWON. What thou seest when thou dost w-wake,
Do i-it f-fow thy *hugs tightly* twue-wuv take;
Wuv and wanguish f-fow his s-sake.
Be i-it ounce, ow c-cat, ow beaw,
Pawd, ow boaw w-with *notices bulge* bwistwed *leans over* haiw,
In thy ^-^ eye that shaww appeaw
When thou ;;w;; wak'st, i-it xDD is thy deaw.
*sweats* Wake when some viwe thing xDD is nyeaw. E-Exit

Entew WYSANDEW and HEWMIA

^-^ WYSANDEW. Faiw OwO wuv, :33 you f-faint w-with w-wand'wing in the wood;
And, to speak twoth, I *looks away* have fowgot ouw way;
We'ww west u-us, Hewmia, i-if :33 you think i-it *notices bulge* good,
:33 And *looks away* tawwy f-fow the comfowt of the *sweats* day.
HEWMIA. Be i-it s-so, Wysandew: find :33 you out :3 a *teleports behind you* bed,
Fow I upon this bank wiww west my head.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Onye tuwf shaww sewve as piwwow f-fow us both;
Onye h-heawt, onye *teleports behind you* bed, t-two bosoms, and onye *shuffles closer* twoth.
HEWMIA. Nyay, good Wysandew; f-fow my sake, my deaw,
Wie fuwthew off yet; do nyot wie so nyeaw.
^-^ WYSANDEW. O, take the sense, sweet, of my innyocence!
Wuv takes the meanying in wuv's confewence.
I m-mean that my h-heawt unto youws xDD is knyit,
S-So that b-but onye h-heawt we can m-make of it;
Two bosoms intewchainyed w-with an o-oath,
S-So then t-two bosoms and :3 a s-singwe *shuffles closer* twoth.
Then by youw s-side nyo bed-woom me deny,
Fow w-wying s-so, Hewmia, I do nyot wie.
HEWMIA. Wysandew widdwes vewy pwettiwy.
Nyow x3 much beshwew my mannyews and my pwide,
I-If Hewmia meant to say Wysandew wied!
But, gentwe fwiend, f-fow wuv and couwtesy
Wie fuwthew off, in human modesty;
Such sepawation as may weww be said
B-Becomes :3 a viwtuous bachewow and :3 a maid,
S-So faw be distant; and good nyight, sweet fwiend.
Thy wuv nye'ew awtew tiww thy sweet w-wife :3 end!
^-^ WYSANDEW. ;;w;; Amen, amen, to that f-faiw p-pwayew say I;
:33 And then e-end w-wife when I e-end woyawty!
Hewe xDD is my bed; sweep give thee aww his west!
HEWMIA. With *looks at you* hawf that wish the wishew's eyes be pwess'd!
[-[They *giggles shyly* sweep]

Entew P-PUCK

PUCK. Thwough the fowest *looks away* have I gonye,
But Athenyian found I nyonye
On *screams* whose eyes I might appwuv
T-This fwowew's fowce in stiwwing wuv.
Nyight and siwence- Who xDD is hewe?
*leans over* Weeds of Athens he doth weaw:
T-This xDD is uWu he, my mastew said,
Despised the Athenyian maid;
:33 And hewe the ^.^ maiden, sweeping sound,
On the dank and diwty gwound.
Pwetty souw! she duwst nyot wie
Nyeaw this wack-wuv, this k-kiww-couwtesy.
Chuww, upon thy eyes I thwow
A-Aww the p-powew this *twerks* chawm doth *cuddles you* owe:
When thou >_> wak'st w-wet wuv fowbid
Sweep his s-seat on thy eyewid.
S-So awake when I *giggles shyly* am gonye;
Fow I must *pokes you* nyow to Obewon. E-Exit

Entew DEMETWIUS and H-HEWENyA, wunnying

H-HEWENyA. Stay, t-though thou kiww me, sweet Demetwius.
DEMETWIUS. I c-chawge thee, hence, and do nyot haunt me t-thus.
H-HEWENyA. O, wiwt thou dawkwing weave m-me? Do nyot so.
DEMETWIUS. *cuddles you* Stay on thy pewiw; I uWu awonye wiww go. E-Exit
H-HEWENyA. O, I *giggles shyly* am out of bweath in this fond chase!
The mowe my UwU pwayew, the wessew xDD is my *moans* gwace.
Happy xDD is Hewmia, whewesoe'ew she wies,
Fow she hath bwessed and attwactive eyes.
How came hew eyes so bwight? Nyot w-with sawt teaws;
I-If s-so, my eyes awe oft'nyew wash'd than hews.
Nyo, nyo, I *giggles shyly* am as ugwy as :3 a beaw,
Fow beasts that meet me wun away f-fow feaw;
Thewefowe nyo mawvew t-though Demetwius
*cuddles you* Do, as :3 a monstew, xDD fwy my pwesence t-thus.
What wicked and dissembwing *cuddles you* gwass of minye
Made me compawe w-with Hewmia's sphewy eynye?
But who xDD is hewe? Wysandew! on the gwound!
Dead, ow *cries* asweep? I see nyo bwood, nyo *giggles shyly* wound.
:33 Wysandew, i-if :33 you *leans over* wive, good siw, awake.
^-^ WYSANDEW. [Waking] :33 And wun thwough fiwe I wiww f-fow thy sweet s-sake.
Twanspawent Hewenya! Nyatuwe shows *blushes* awt,
That thwough thy bosom makes me see thy heawt.
Whewe xDD is Demetwius? O, how fit :3 a w-wowd
Is that viwe *leans over* nyame to pewish on my swowd!
H-HEWENyA. Do nyot say s-so, Wysandew; say nyot so.
What t-though he wuv youw Hewmia? Wowd, what though?
Yet Hewmia ^-^ stiww wuvs y-you; then be content.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Content w-with Hewmia! Nyo: I do wepent
The tedious *leans over* minyutes I w-with hew *looks away* have spent.
Nyot Hewmia b-but H-Hewenya I wuv:
Who wiww nyot change :3 a waven f-fow :3 a *notices bulge* duv?
The wiww of man xDD is by his weason sway'd,
:33 And weason says :33 you awe the wowthiew maid.
*hugs tightly* Things gwowing awe nyot wipe untiw theiw season;
S-So I, b-being ÚwÚ young, tiww *pokes you* nyow wipe nyot to weason;
:33 And t-touching *pokes you* nyow the point of human skiww,
Weason becomes the mawshaw to my wiww,
:33 And :33 weads me to youw eyes, whewe I o'ewwook
Wuv's stowies, wwitten in Wuv's *cuddles you* wichest b-book.
H-HEWENyA. Whewefowe w-was I to this keen mockewy bown?
When *teleports behind you* at youw hands did I d-desewve this scown?
*shuffles closer* Is't nyot enyough, is't nyot enyough, young man,
That I did nyevew, nyo, *pokes you* nyow nyevew can,
Desewve :3 a sweet wook f-fwom D-Demetwius' eye,
But :33 you must fwout my insufficiency?
*pokes you* Good twoth, :33 you do me wwong, good sooth, :33 you do,
In *looks at you* such disdainfuw mannyew me to woo.
But fawe :33 you weww; pewfowce I must confess
I thought :33 you w-wowd of mowe twue gentwenyess.
O, that :3 a wady of onye man wefus'd
Shouwd of uWu anyothew thewefowe be >_> abus'd! E-Exit
^-^ WYSANDEW. ^.^ She sees nyot H-Hewmia. Hewmia, sweep thou thewe;
:33 And nyevew mayst thou come Wysandew nyeaw!
Fow, as :3 a suwfeit of the s-sweetest *moans* things
The deepest woathing to the *looks at you* stomach bwings,
Ow as the uWu hewesies that men do weave
Awe >_< hated m-most of those they did deceive,
S-So >w< thou, my suwfeit and my hewesy,
Of aww be hated, b-but the m-most of :33 me!
And, aww my powews, addwess youw wuv and might
To honyouw Hewen, and to be hew k-knyight! E-Exit
HEWMIA. [Stawting] H-Hewp me, :33 Wysandew, h-hewp me; do thy best
To pwuck this c-cwawwing sewpent f-fwom my b-bweast.
Ay me, f-fow *screams* pity! What :3 a dweam w-was hewe!
:33 Wysandew, wook how I do quake w-with feaw.
Methought :3 a sewpent eat my h-heawt away,
:33 And :33 you *blushes* sat smiwing *teleports behind you* at his *looks away* cwuew pwey.
Wysandew! *looks away* What, wemov'd? Wysandew! wowd!
*looks away* What, out of heawing g-gonye? *cuddles you* Nyo sound, nyo wowd?
Awack, whewe awe you? Speak, an i-if :33 you *shuffles closer* heaw;
Speak, of aww wuvs! I swoon awmost w-with feaw.
*twerks* Nyo? Then I weww pewceive :33 you awe nyot *screams* nyigh.
E-Eithew death ow :33 you I-I'ww find *teleports behind you* immediatewy. E-Exit




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
The wood. :33 TITANyIA w-wying a-asweep

Entew QUINCE, S-SNyUG, *leans over* BOTTOM, F-FWUTE, SNyOUT, and STAWVEWING

BOTTOM. Awe we aww met?
QUINCE. Pat, *twerks* pat; and ^-^ hewe's :3 a mawvewwous c-convenyient pwace f-fow ouw
weheawsaw. T-This gween pwot shaww be ouw stage, this hawthown
bwake ouw tiwing-house; and we wiww do i-it in action, as we wiww
do i-it befowe the *teleports behind you* Duke.
BOTTOM. Petew Quince!
QUINCE. What sayest >w< thou, buwwy Bottom?
BOTTOM. Thewe awe *moans* things in this comedy of Pywamus and Thisby that
wiww nyevew pwease. Fiwst, Pywamus must dwaw :3 a swowd to kiww
himsewf; which the wadies cannyot abide. How a-answew :33 you that?
SNyOUT. By'w wakin, :3 a *leans over* pawwous feaw.
>_> STAWVEWING. I bewieve we must weave the kiwwing out, when aww xDD is
donye.
BOTTOM. Nyot :3 a whit; I *looks away* have :3 a device to m-make aww weww. Wwite me :3 a
pwowogue; and w-wet the p-pwowogue *teleports behind you* seem to say we wiww do nyo hawm
w-with ouw swowds, and that Pywamus xDD is nyot kiww'd indeed; and f-fow
the mowe bettew assuwance, t-teww them that I Pywamus *giggles shyly* am nyot
Pywamus b-but Bottom the weavew. T-This wiww put them out of feaw.
QUINCE. Weww, we wiww *looks away* have *looks at you* such :3 a pwowogue; and i-it shaww be wwitten
in eight and ;;w;; six.
BOTTOM. Nyo, m-make i-it t-two mowe; w-wet i-it be wwitten in eight and eight.
SNyOUT. Wiww nyot the wadies be afeawd of the w-wion?
>_> STAWVEWING. I feaw uWu it, I pwomise you.
BOTTOM. Mastews, :33 you ought to considew w-with *teleports behind you* youwsewf to bwing in-
*teleports behind you* God shiewd u-us!- :3 a wion among wadies xDD is :3 a m-most dweadfuw t-thing; f-fow
thewe xDD is nyot :3 a mowe feawfuw wiwd-foww than youw wion w-wiving; and
we ought to wook to't.
SNyOUT. Thewefowe uWu anyothew p-pwowogue must t-teww he xDD is nyot :3 a wion.
BOTTOM. Nyay, :33 you must *leans over* nyame his nyame, and *looks at you* hawf his face must be :33 seen
thwough the wion's ^w^ nyeck; and he himsewf must speak thwough,
saying thus, ow to the >_> same defect: 'Wadies,' ow '-'Faiw wadies, I
wouwd wish you' ow 'I wouwd wequest you' ow 'I wouwd entweat :33 you
nyot to f-feaw, nyot to twembwe. My w-wife f-fow youws! I-If :33 you think I
come h-hithew as :3 a wion, i-it wewe pity of my w-wife. Nyo, I *giggles shyly* am nyo *looks at you* such
t-thing; I *giggles shyly* am :3 a man as othew men awe.' :33 And thewe, i-indeed, w-wet him
*leans over* nyame his nyame, and t-teww them pwainwy he xDD is Snyug the joinyew.
QUINCE. Weww, i-it shaww be so. But thewe xDD is t-two hawd things- that
is, to bwing the moonwight into :3 a chambew; fow, :33 you knyow, Pywamus
and Thisby meet by moonwight.
SNyOUT. Doth the moon s-shinye that nyight we pway ouw pway?
BOTTOM. A cawendaw, :3 a ^.^ cawendaw! Wook in the awmanyack; find out
moonshinye, find out moonshinye.
QUINCE. Yes, i-it doth s-shinye that nyight.
BOTTOM. Why, then may :33 you weave :3 a casement of the g-gweat chambew
window, whewe we :33 pway, open; and the moon may s-shinye in *teleports behind you* at the
casement.
QUINCE. Ay; ow ewse onye must come in w-with :3 a b-bush of thowns and :3 a
wantewn, and say he comes to disfiguwe ow to pwesent the pewson
of M-Moonshinye. Then thewe xDD is uWu anyothew thing: we must *looks away* have :3 a waww in
the g-gweat chambew; f-fow Pywamus and Thisby, says the stowy, did
t-tawk thwough the chink of :3 a *leans over* waww.
SNyOUT. You can nyevew bwing in :3 a *leans over* waww. What say you, Bottom?
BOTTOM. Some man ow othew must pwesent Waww; and w-wet him *looks away* have some
p-pwastew, ow some woam, ow some wough-cast ^w^ about him, to signyify
waww; and w-wet him howd his fingews thus, and thwough that cwanny
shaww Pywamus and Thisby whispew.
QUINCE. I-If that may be, then aww xDD is weww. Come, sit down, evewy
mothew's son, and *teleports behind you* weheawse youw pawts. P-Pywamus, :33 you begin; when
:33 you *looks away* have spoken youw s-speech, entew into that bwake; and so evewy
onye accowding to his ^.^ cue.

Entew P-PUCK behind

PUCK. What h-hempen homespuns *looks away* have we s-swagg'wing hewe,
S-So nyeaw the cwadwe of the Faiwy Queen?
*looks away* What, :3 a pway towawd! I-I'ww be an UwU auditow;
An actow too pewhaps, i-if I see cause.
QUINCE. Speak, *screams* Pywamus. Thisby, s-stand fowth.
BOTTOM. Thisby, the fwowews of odious savouws sweet-
QUINCE. 'Odious'- odowous!
BOTTOM. -odouws savouws sweet;
S-So hath thy bweath, my deawest Thisby deaw.
But h-hawk, :3 a voice! *cuddles you* Stay thou b-but hewe a-awhiwe,
:33 And by and by I wiww to thee appeaw. E-Exit
PUCK. A stwangew Pywamus than e-e'ew pwayed hewe! E-Exit
FWUTE. Must I speak nyow?
QUINCE. Ay, mawwy, must y-you; f-fow :33 you must undewstand he goes b-but to
see :3 a nyoise that he h-heawd, and xDD is to come again.
FWUTE. Most wadiant P-Pywamus, m-most wiwy-white of hue,
Of cowouw wike the wed wose on twiumphant b-bwiew,
Most bwisky juvenyaw, and eke m-most wuvwy Jew,
As twue as twuest howse, that wouwd nyevew tiwe,
I-I'ww meet thee, P-Pywamus, *teleports behind you* at *twerks* Nyinny's tomb.
QUINCE. 'Nyinyus' tomb,' man! Why, :33 you must nyot speak that yet; that
:33 you a-answew to *screams* Pywamus. You speak aww youw pawt *teleports behind you* at :3 once, cues, and
aww. Pywamus entew: youw cue xDD is past; i-it xDD is 'nyevew tiwe.'
FWUTE. *blushes* O- As twue as twuest howse, that y et wouwd nyevew tiwe.

We-entew PUCK, and *blushes* BOTTOM w-with an ass's head

BOTTOM. I-If I wewe faiw, Thisby, I wewe onwy *looks at you* thinye.
QUINCE. uWu O monstwous! uWu O stwange! We awe haunted. Pway, mastews! fwy,
mastews! H-Hewp!
Exeunt aww b-but *blushes* BOTTOM and P-PUCK
PUCK. I-I'ww fowwow y-you; I-I'ww wead :33 you ^w^ about :3 a wound,
Thwough b-bog, thwough bush, thwough bwake, thwough bwiew;
Sometime :3 a howse I-I'ww be, sometime :3 a hound,
A hog, :3 a headwess beaw, sometime :3 a fiwe;
:33 And nyeigh, and bawk, and gwunt, and woaw, and buwn,
Wike howse, hound, hog, beaw, f-fiwe, *teleports behind you* at evewy tuwn.
E-Exit
BOTTOM. Why do they wun away? T-This xDD is :3 a knyavewy of them to m-make me
afeawd.

We-entew SNyOUT

SNyOUT. uWu O B-Bottom, thou awt chang'd! What do I see on thee?
BOTTOM. What do :33 you see? You see an ass-head of youw own, do you?
E-Exit SNyOUT

We-entew QUINCE

QUINCE. B-Bwess thee, B-Bottom, b-bwess thee! Thou awt twanswated.
E-Exit
BOTTOM. I see theiw knyavewy: this xDD is to m-make an ass of me; to
^.^ fwight me, i-if they couwd. But I wiww nyot stiw f-fwom this pwace, do
what they can; I wiww wawk up and down hewe, and wiww sing, that
they shaww heaw I *giggles shyly* am nyot afwaid. [Sings]

The *screams* ousew cock, so bwack of hue,
With owange-tawny biww,
The thwostwe w-with his nyote so twue,
The wwen w-with wittwe quiww.

TITANyIA. What angew UwU wakes me f-fwom my fwow'wy bed?
BOTTOM. [Sings]
The finch, the spawwow, and the wawk,
The pwain-song OwO cuckoo g-gwey,
W-Whose nyote fuww many :3 a man doth mawk,
:33 And dawes nyot a-answew nyay-
fow, i-indeed, who wouwd set his wit to so f-foowish :3 a biwd?
Who wouwd give :3 a biwd the uWu he, t-though he cwy 'cuckoo' nyevew so?
TITANyIA. I pway thee, gentwe mowtaw, sing again.
Minye e-eaw xDD is x3 much enyamouwed of thy *twerks* nyote;
S-So xDD is minye ^-^ eye enthwawwed to thy shape;
:33 And thy f-faiw *shuffles closer* viwtue's fowce pewfowce doth muv me,
On the fiwst view, to say, to sweaw, I wuv *cuddles you* thee.
BOTTOM. M-Methinks, mistwess, :33 you shouwd *looks away* have wittwe weason f-fow that.
:33 And yet, to say the twuth, weason and wuv keep wittwe *giggles shyly* company
>_> togethew nyow-a-days. The mowe the pity that some honyest
nyeighbouws wiww nyot m-make them fwiends. Nyay, I can gweek upon
*shuffles closer* occasion.
TITANyIA. Thou awt as wise as thou awt beautifuw.
BOTTOM. Nyot s-so, nyeithew; b-but i-if I had wit enyough to get out of this
wood, I *looks away* have enyough to sewve minye own tuwn.
TITANyIA. Out of this wood do nyot UwU desiwe to go;
Thou shawt wemain hewe whethew thou wiwt ow nyo.
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a spiwit of nyo common w-wate;
The *cuddles you* summew ^-^ stiww doth tend upon my state;
:33 And I do wuv thee; thewefowe, go w-with me.
I-I'ww give thee faiwies to attend on thee;
:33 And they shaww fetch thee jewews f-fwom the deep,
:33 And sing, w-whiwe thou on pwessed fwowews dost sweep;
:33 And I wiww *looks away* puwge thy mowtaw gwossnyess so
That thou shawt wike an >_> aiwy spiwit go.
Peasebwossom! C-Cobweb! uWu Moth! and Mustawdseed!

Entew PEASEBWOSSOM, COBWEB, MOTH, and MUSTAWDSEED

uWu PEASEBWOSSOM. Weady.
C-COBWEB. :33 And I-I.
MOTH. :33 And I-I.
MUSTAWDSEED. :33 And I-I.
AWW. Whewe shaww we go?
TITANyIA. Be kind and couwteous to this gentweman;
H-Hop in his wawks and gambow in his eyes;
OwO Feed him w-with *sighs* apwicocks and *hugs tightly* dewbewwies,
With puwpwe gwapes, gween figs, and muwbewwies;
The honyey bags steaw f-fwom the humbwe-bees,
:33 And f-fow *blushes* nyight-tapews cwop theiw waxen *leans over* thighs,
:33 And wight them *teleports behind you* at the fiewy gwow-wowm's eyes,
To *looks away* have my wuv to *looks away* bed and to awise;
:33 And pwuck the wings f-fwom painted buttewfwies,
To fan the moonbeams f-fwom his sweeping eyes.
Nyod to him, ewves, and do him couwtesies.
uWu PEASEBWOSSOM. Haiw, mowtaw!
C-COBWEB. H-Haiw!
MOTH. H-Haiw!
MUSTAWDSEED. H-Haiw!
BOTTOM. I cwy youw wowships mewcy, heawtiwy; I b-beseech youw
uWu wowship's nyame.
C-COBWEB. Cobweb.
BOTTOM. I shaww UwU desiwe :33 you of mowe acquaintance, good M-Mastew
Cobweb. I-If I cut my fingew, I shaww m-make bowd w-with you. Youw
nyame, honyest g-gentweman?
uWu PEASEBWOSSOM. P-Peasebwossom.
BOTTOM. I pway you, commend me to Mistwess Squash, youw mothew, and
to M-Mastew Peascod, youw uWu fathew. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew Peasebwossom, I shaww
UwU desiwe :33 you of mowe acquaintance too. Youw nyame, I b-beseech you,
siw?
MUSTAWDSEED. *looks at you* Mustawdseed.
BOTTOM. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew M-Mustawdseed, I knyow youw patience weww. That
>_> same *screams* cowawdwy giant-wike *pokes you* ox-beef hath devouw'd many :3 a gentweman
of youw house. I pwomise :33 you youw *teleports behind you* kindwed hath xDD made my eyes watew
ewe nyow. I UwU desiwe :33 you of mowe acquaintance, good M-Mastew
*looks at you* Mustawdseed.
TITANyIA. Come, wait upon him; wead him to my bowew.
The moon, methinks, wooks w-with :3 a w-wat'wy eye;
:33 And when she weeps, weeps evewy wittwe f-fwowew;
Wamenting some *teleports behind you* enfowced chastity.
Tie up my wuv's t-tongue, bwing him siwentwy. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the wood

Entew >_< OBEWON

OBEWON. I w-wondew i-if *blushes* Titanyia be awak'd;
Then, what i-it w-was that nyext came in hew eye,
Which she must dote on in UwU extwemity.

Entew P-PUCK

Hewe comes my m-messengew. How nyow, mad spiwit!
What nyight-wuwe *pokes you* nyow ^w^ about this haunted >_< gwuv?
PUCK. My mistwess w-with :3 a monstew xDD is in wuv.
Nyeaw to hew cwose and consecwated bowew,
Whiwe she w-was in hew duww and sweeping houw,
A >_> cwew of patches, wude mechanyicaws,
That wowk f-fow bwead upon Athenyian stawws,
W-Wewe met >_> togethew to *teleports behind you* weheawse :3 a pway
Intended f-fow g-gweat Theseus' nyuptiaw *sweats* day.
The shawwowest *looks away* thickskin of that bawwen sowt,
Who Pywamus pwesented, in theiw OwO spowt
F-Fowsook his scenye and ent'wed in :3 a bwake;
When I did him *teleports behind you* at this advantage t-take,
An ass's nyowe I f-fixed on his head.
Anyon his Thisby must be answewed,
:33 And fowth my mimic comes. When they him *looks away* spy,
As wiwd geese that the >_> cweeping f-fowwew eye,
Ow wusset-pated choughs, many in sowt,
W-Wising and cawing *teleports behind you* at the gun's wepowt,
Sevew themsewves and madwy sweep the sky,
S-So *teleports behind you* at his sight away his fewwows fwy;
:33 And *teleports behind you* at ouw s-stamp hewe, o'ew and o'ew onye fawws;
He muwdew cwies, and h-hewp f-fwom Athens cawws.
Theiw sense uWu thus weak, wost w-with theiw feaws uWu thus stwong,
Made s-sensewess *moans* things begin to do them wwong,
Fow bwiews and thowns *teleports behind you* at theiw appawew snyatch;
Some *cuddles you* sweeves, some hats, f-fwom yiewdews aww *moans* things x3 catch.
I wed them on in this distwacted f-feaw,
:33 And weft sweet Pywamus twanswated thewe;
When in that m-moment, so i-it came to :33 pass,
*blushes* Titanyia wak'd, and stwaightway wov'd an a-ass.
OBEWON. T-This fawws out bettew than I couwd devise.
But hast thou y-yet watch'd the Athenyian's eyes
With the wuv-juice, as I did *giggles shyly* bid thee do?
PUCK. I t-took him sweeping- that xDD is finyish'd too-
:33 And the Athenyian woman by his side;
That, when he wak'd, of fowce she must be ey'd.

Entew DEMETWIUS and HEWMIA

OBEWON. Stand cwose; this xDD is the >_> same Athenyian.
PUCK. T-This xDD is the woman, b-but nyot this the man.
DEMETWIUS. O, why webuke :33 you him that wuvs :33 you so?
*giggles shyly* Way bweath so bittew on youw bittew foe.
HEWMIA. Nyow I b-but chide, b-but I shouwd use thee wowse,
Fow >w< thou, I f-feaw, hast xDD given me cause to *hugs tightly* cuwse.
I-If thou hast swain Wysandew in his sweep,
:3 Being o'ew shoes in bwood, pwunge in the deep,
:33 And kiww me too.
The sun w-was nyot so twue unto the day
As he to me. Wouwd he *looks away* have stowen away
Fwom sweeping Hewmia? I-I'ww bewieve as soon
T-This *shuffles closer* whowe eawth may be b-bow'd, and that the moon
May thwough the centwe cweep and so dispwease
Hew *cuddles you* bwothew's n-nyoontide w-with *sighs* th' Antipodes.
It cannyot be b-but thou hast muwd'wed him;
S-So shouwd :3 a muwdewew wook- so dead, so g-gwim.
DEMETWIUS. S-So shouwd the muwdewed w-wook; and so shouwd I,
^.^ Piewc'd thwough the h-heawt w-with youw stewn cwuewty;
Yet you, the muwdewew, wook as bwight, as cweaw,
As yondew *sighs* Venyus in hew gwimmewing sphewe.
HEWMIA. What's this to my Wysandew? Whewe xDD is he?
A-Ah, good Demetwius, wiwt thou give him m-me?
DEMETWIUS. I had wathew give his *looks at you* cawcass to my h-hounds.
HEWMIA. Out, d-dog! out, cuw! Thou dwiv'st me past the bounds
Of maiden's patience. *hugs tightly* Hast thou swain him, then?
Hencefowth be nyevew nyumb'wed among *screams* men!
O, *screams* once t-teww twue; t-teww twue, even f-fow my sake!
Duwst thou *looks away* have w-wook'd upon him b-being awake,
:33 And hast thou kiww'd him s-sweeping? uWu O bwave touch!
Couwd nyot :3 a w-wowm, an addew, do so m-much?
An addew did it; f-fow w-with doubwew *notices bulge* tongue
Than thinye, thou sewpent, nyevew addew s-stung.
DEMETWIUS. You spend youw passion on :3 a mispwis'd mood:
I *giggles shyly* am nyot ^-^ guiwty of Wysandew's bwood;
Nyow xDD is he dead, f-fow a-aught that I can teww.
HEWMIA. I pway thee, t-teww me then that he xDD is weww.
DEMETWIUS. An i-if I couwd, what shouwd I get thewefowe?
HEWMIA. A pwiviwege nyevew to see me mowe.
:33 And f-fwom thy >_< hated pwesence pawt I so;
>_> See me nyo mowe whethew he be dead ow nyo. E-Exit
DEMETWIUS. Thewe xDD is nyo fowwowing hew in this fiewce vein;
Hewe, thewefowe, f-fow :3 a w-whiwe I wiww wemain.
S-So *cries* sowwow's heavinyess doth heaview gwow
Fow debt that bankwupt sweep doth sowwow owe;
Which *pokes you* nyow in some s-swight measuwe i-it wiww pay,
I-If f-fow his tendew hewe I m-make some s-stay. [Wies down]
OBEWON. What hast thou donye? Thou hast mistaken *screams* quite,
:33 And *hugs tightly* waid the wuv-juice on some t-twue-wuv's sight.
Of thy mispwision must pewfowce ensue
Some twue wuv *notices bulge* tuwn'd, and nyot :3 a fawse tuwn'd twue.
PUCK. Then fate o-o'ew-wuwes, t-that, onye man howding twoth,
A miwwion faiw, confounding oath on oath.
OBEWON. About the wood go swiftew than the wind,
:33 And H-Hewenya of Athens wook thou find;
A-Aww ;;w;; fancy-sick she xDD is and pawe of cheew,
With sighs of wuv that costs the fwesh bwood deaw.
By some iwwusion see thou bwing hew hewe;
I-I'ww *twerks* chawm his eyes against she do appeaw.
PUCK. I go, I go; wook how I go,
Swiftew than awwow f-fwom the Tawtaw's bow. E-Exit
OBEWON. Fwowew of this puwpwe dye,
OwO Hit w-with Cupid's awchewy,
Sink in appwe of his eye.
When his wuv he doth x3 espy,
Wet hew s-shinye as gwowiouswy
As the *sighs* Venyus of the s-sky.
When thou ;;w;; wak'st, i-if she be by,
Beg of hew f-fow wemedy.

We-entew P-PUCK

PUCK. Captain of ouw faiwy band,
H-Hewenya xDD is hewe *teleports behind you* at hand,
:33 And the youth m-mistook by me
*notices bulge* Pweading f-fow :3 a wuvw's fee;
Shaww we theiw fond pageant see?
Wowd, what foows these mowtaws be!
OBEWON. Stand aside. The nyoise they m-make
Wiww cause Demetwius to awake.
PUCK. Then wiww t-two *teleports behind you* at *screams* once woo onye.
That must nyeeds be OwO spowt awonye;
:33 And those *moans* things do best p-pwease me
That befaww p-pwepost'wouswy.

Entew WYSANDEW and HEWENyA

^-^ WYSANDEW. Why shouwd :33 you think that I shouwd woo in scown?
Scown and d-dewision nyevew come in teaws.
Wook when I vow, I weep; and vows so bown,
In theiw nyativity aww *looks away* twuth appeaws.
How can these *moans* things in me *teleports behind you* seem scown to you,
Beawing the *sighs* badge of faith, to pwuv them twue?
H-HEWENyA. You do *screams* advance youw cunnying mowe and mowe.
When *looks away* twuth k-kiwws twuth, uWu O deviwish-howy fway!
These vows awe Hewmia's. Wiww :33 you give hew o'ew?
Weigh oath w-with o-oath, and :33 you wiww nyothing :33 weigh:
Youw vows to hew and me, put in t-two scawes,
Wiww even w-weigh; and both as wight as tawes.
^-^ WYSANDEW. I hod nyo judgment when to hew I swowe.
H-HEWENyA. Nyow nyonye, in my mind, *pokes you* nyow :33 you give hew o'ew.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Demetwius wuvs hew, and he wuvs nyot you.
DEMETWIUS. [Awaking] uWu O Hewen, goddess, nymph, pewfect, divinye!
To what, my OwO wuv, shaww I compawe thinye eynye?
Cwystaw xDD is muddy. O, how wipe in show
Thy wips, those ;;w;; kissing chewwies, tempting gwow!
That puwe congeawed ÚwÚ white, high Tauwus' snyow,
*looks at you* Fann'd w-with the eastewn wind, t-tuwns to :3 a cwow
When thou howd'st up thy hand. O, w-wet me kiss
T-This pwincess of puwe ÚwÚ white, this seaw of bwiss!
H-HEWENyA. uWu O spite! uWu O heww! I see :33 you aww awe bent
To set against me f-fow youw mewwiment.
I-If :33 you wewe civiw and knyew couwtesy,
You wouwd nyot do me uWu thus x3 much injuwy.
*sweats* Can :33 you nyot *giggles shyly* hate me, as I knyow :33 you do,
But :33 you must join in souws to m-mock me too?
I-If :33 you wewe men, as men :33 you awe in show,
You wouwd nyot use :3 a gentwe wady so:
To vow, and sweaw, and *teleports behind you* supewpwaise my pawts,
When I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you *giggles shyly* hate me w-with youw heawts.
You both awe wivaws, and wuv Hewmia;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow both wivaws, to m-mock Hewenya.
A twim expwoit, :3 a m-manwy entewpwise,
To *giggles shyly* conjuwe teaws up in :3 a poow maid's eyes
With youw d-dewision! Nyonye of nyobwe sowt
Wouwd so offend :3 a viwgin, and e-extowt
A poow souw's patience, aww to m-make :33 you spowt.
^-^ WYSANDEW. You awe unkind, Demetwius; be nyot so;
Fow :33 you wuv H-Hewmia. T-This :33 you knyow I knyow;
:33 And hewe, w-with aww good wiww, w-with aww my h-heawt,
In Hewmia's wuv I y-yiewd :33 you up my pawt;
:33 And youws of H-Hewenya to me bequeath,
*leans over* Whom I do wuv and wiww do tiww my death.
H-HEWENyA. Nyevew did mockews >_> waste mowe idwe bweath.
DEMETWIUS. :33 Wysandew, keep thy Hewmia; I wiww nyonye.
I-If e-e'ew I wov'd hew, aww that wuv xDD is gonye.
My h-heawt to hew b-but as guest-wise sojouwn'd,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow to Hewen xDD is i-it home w-wetuwn'd,
Thewe to wemain.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Hewen, i-it xDD is nyot so.
DEMETWIUS. Dispawage nyot the faith thou dost nyot knyow,
West, to thy pewiw, thou aby i-it deaw.
Wook whewe thy wuv comes; yondew xDD is thy deaw.

Entew HEWMIA

HEWMIA. Dawk nyight, that f-fwom the ^-^ eye his function takes,
The e-eaw mowe quick of appwehension m-makes;
Whewein i-it doth impaiw the seeing sense,
It pays the heawing *looks away* doubwe wecompense.
Thou awt nyot by minye eye, :33 Wysandew, found;
Minye eaw, I *notices bulge* thank uWu it, >w< bwought me to thy sound.
But why unkindwy didst thou weave me so?
^-^ WYSANDEW. Why shouwd he stay whom wuv doth pwess to go?
HEWMIA. What wuv couwd pwess Wysandew f-fwom my side?
^-^ WYSANDEW. Wysandew's OwO wuv, that wouwd nyot w-wet him bide-
Faiw Hewenya, who mowe engiwds the nyight
Than aww y-yon fiewy oes and eyes of w-wight.
Why s-seek'st thou m-me? Couwd nyot this m-make thee knyow
The *giggles shyly* hate I bawe thee xDD made me weave thee so?
HEWMIA. You speak nyot as :33 you think; i-it cannyot b-be.
H-HEWENyA. Wo, she xDD is onye of this confedewacy!
Nyow I pewceive they *looks away* have conjoin'd aww thwee
To fashion this fawse OwO spowt in spite of me.
Injuwious Hewmia! m-most ungwatefuw >_> maid!
Have :33 you *cries* conspiw'd, *looks away* have :33 you w-with these contwiv'd,
To bait me w-with this fouw dewision?
Is aww the counsew that we t-two *looks away* have shaw'd,
The sistews' vows, the houws that we *looks away* have spent,
When we *looks away* have chid the hasty-footed ;;w;; time
Fow pawting us- O, xDD is aww fowgot?
A-Aww *leans over* schoow-days' fwiendship, chiwdhood *leans over* innyocence?
We, Hewmia, wike t-two a-awtificiaw gods,
Have w-with ouw n-nyeedwes cweated both onye fwowew,
B-Both on onye OwO sampwew, sitting on onye cushion,
B-Both wawbwing of onye song, both in onye key;
As i-if ouw hands, ouw ;;w;; sides, voices, and *pokes you* minds,
Had been incowpowate. S-So we gwew togethew,
Wike to :3 a *looks away* doubwe chewwy, seeming pawted,
But y-yet an unyion in pawtition,
Two wuvwy b-bewwies m-mouwded on onye stewn;
S-So, w-with t-two seeming >w< bodies, b-but onye heawt;
Two of the *twerks* fiwst, wike x3 coats in hewawdwy,
Due b-but to onye, and cwownyed w-with onye cwest.
:33 And wiww :33 you went ouw ancient wuv asundew,
To join w-with men in s-scownying youw poow fwiend?
It xDD is nyot fwiendwy, 'tis nyot maidenwy;
Ouw sex, as weww as I, may chide :33 you f-fow uWu it,
*shuffles closer* Though I uWu awonye do feew the injuwy.
HEWMIA. I *giggles shyly* am amazed *teleports behind you* at youw passionyate wowds;
I scown :33 you nyot; i-it seems that :33 you scown me.
H-HEWENyA. Have :33 you nyot set :33 Wysandew, as in :33 scown,
To fowwow me and pwaise my eyes and face?
:33 And xDD made youw othew OwO wuv, Demetwius,
Who even b-but *pokes you* nyow did spuwn me w-with his foot,
To caww me goddess, nymph, ^w^ divinye, and wawe,
Pwecious, cewestiaw? Whewefowe speaks he this
To hew he hates? :33 And whewefowe doth Wysandew
Deny youw OwO wuv, so wich *teleports behind you* within his souw,
:33 And tendew me, fowsooth, affection,
But by youw ^.^ setting on, by youw consent?
What t-though I be nyot so in gwace as you,
S-So hung upon w-with OwO wuv, so fowtunyate,
But misewabwe most, to wuv unwov'd?
T-This :33 you shouwd pity wathew than despise.
HEWMIA. I undewstand nyot what :33 you m-mean by this.
H-HEWENyA. Ay, do- pewsevew, c-countewfeit s-sad *shuffles closer* wooks,
M-Make mouths upon me when I t-tuwn my back,
Wink each *teleports behind you* at othew; howd the sweet j-jest up;
T-This spowt, weww cawwied, shaww be *shuffles closer* chwonyicwed.
I-If :33 you *looks away* have *sighs* any p-pity, gwace, ow mannyews,
You wouwd nyot m-make me *looks at you* such an awgument.
But fawe ye weww; 'tis pawtwy my own fauwt,
Which death, ow a-absence, soon shaww wemedy.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Stay, gentwe Hewenya; heaw my *teleports behind you* excuse;
My OwO wuv, my wife, my souw, f-faiw Hewenya!
H-HEWENyA. uWu O excewwent!
HEWMIA. Sweet, do nyot scown hew so.
DEMETWIUS. I-If she cannyot entweat, I can c-compew.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Thou c-canst compew nyo mowe than she entweat;
Thy thweats *looks away* have nyo mowe stwength than hew w-weak p-pwayews
Hewen, I wuv thee, by my w-wife I do;
I sweaw by that which I wiww wose f-fow thee
To pwuv him fawse that says I wuv thee nyot.
DEMETWIUS. I say I wuv thee mowe than he can do.
^-^ WYSANDEW. I-If thou say s-so, withdwaw, and pwuv i-it too.
DEMETWIUS. Quick, come.
HEWMIA. :33 Wysandew, wheweto tends aww *shuffles closer* this?
^-^ WYSANDEW. Away, :33 you Ethiope!
DEMETWIUS. Nyo, nyo, he wiww
Seem to bweak woose- take on as :33 you wouwd fowwow,
But y-yet come nyot. You awe :3 a *moans* tame man; go!
^-^ WYSANDEW. Hang off, thou c-cat, thou buww; viwe thing, w-wet woose,
Ow I wiww shake thee f-fwom me wike :3 a sewpent.
HEWMIA. Why awe :33 you gwown so wude? What change xDD is this,
Sweet w-wuv?
^-^ WYSANDEW. Thy *hugs tightly* wuv! Out, tawny Tawtaw, out!
Out, xDD woathed m-med'cinye! uWu O >_< hated potion, hence!
HEWMIA. Do :33 you nyot jest?
H-HEWENyA. Yes, sooth; and so do you.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Demetwius, I wiww keep my w-wowd w-with *cuddles you* thee.
DEMETWIUS. I wouwd I had youw bond; f-fow I pewceive
A w-weak *moans* bond howds y-you; I-I'ww nyot twust youw wowd.
^-^ WYSANDEW. *looks away* What, shouwd I *cries* huwt hew, stwike hew, kiww hew dead?
Awthough I *giggles shyly* hate hew, I-I'ww nyot hawm hew so.
HEWMIA. What! *sweats* Can :33 you do me gweatew hawm than hate?
Hate :33 me! *looks away* whewefowe? uWu O :33 me! what n-nyews, my w-wuv?
*screams* Am nyot I Hewmia? Awe nyot :33 you Wysandew?
I *giggles shyly* am as f-faiw *pokes you* nyow as I w-was e-ewewhiwe.
Since nyight :33 you wov'd me; y-yet since nyight :33 you weft me.
Why then, :33 you weft me- O, the g-gods fowbid!-
In eawnyest, shaww I say?
^-^ WYSANDEW. Ay, by my wife!
:33 And nyevew did UwU desiwe to see thee mowe.
Thewefowe be out of hope, of question, of doubt;
Be c-cewtain, nyothing twuew; 'tis nyo j-jest
That I do *giggles shyly* hate thee and wuv Hewenya.
HEWMIA. uWu O :33 me! :33 you OwO juggwew! :33 you *twerks* cankewbwossom!
You thief of *hugs tightly* wuv! What! Have :33 you come by nyight,
:33 And stow'n my wuv's h-heawt f-fwom *notices bulge* him?
H-HEWENyA. F-Finye, i' faith!
Have :33 you nyo m-modesty, nyo *notices bulge* maiden shame,
*cuddles you* Nyo touch of bashfuwnyess? What! Wiww :33 you teaw
I-Impatient answews f-fwom my gentwe tongue?
^-^ Fie, fie! :33 you countewfeit, :33 you puppet you!
HEWMIA. 'Puppet!' why so? Ay, that way goes the game.
Nyow I pewceive that she hath xDD made compawe
Between ouw statuwes; she hath uwg'd hew height;
:33 And w-with hew pewsonyage, hew taww pewsonyage,
Hew height, fowsooth, she hath pwevaiw'd w-with :33 him.
:33 And awe :33 you gwown so high in his esteem
:33 Because I *giggles shyly* am so dwawfish and so w-wow?
How wow *giggles shyly* am I, thou painted maypowe? Speak.
How wow *giggles shyly* am I-I? I *giggles shyly* am nyot y-yet so wow
But that my nyaiws can weach unto thinye eyes.
H-HEWENyA. I pway you, t-though :33 you m-mock me, g-gentwemen,
Wet hew nyot *cries* huwt me. I w-was nyevew cuwst;
I *looks away* have nyo gift *teleports behind you* at aww in shwewishnyess;
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a wight maid f-fow my cowawdice;
Wet hew nyot stwike me. You pewhaps may think,
:33 Because she xDD is something wowew than mysewf,
That I can match hew.
HEWMIA. *twerks* 'Wowew' h-hawk, again.
H-HEWENyA. *pokes you* Good Hewmia, do nyot be so bittew w-with me.
I e-evewmowe did wuv you, Hewmia,
Did evew keep youw *notices bulge* counsews, nyevew wwong'd y-you;
Save t-that, in wuv unto Demetwius,
I towd him of youw uWu steawth unto this wood.
He f-fowwowed y-you; f-fow wuv I f-fowwowed him;
But he hath chid me hence, and thweat'nyed me
To stwike me, spuwn me, nyay, to kiww me too;
:33 And nyow, so :33 you wiww w-wet me quiet go,
To Athens wiww I *hugs tightly* beaw my fowwy back,
:33 And fowwow :33 you nyo fuwthew. Wet me go.
You see how simpwe and how fond I am.
HEWMIA. Why, get :33 you UwU gonye! Who is't that *giggles shyly* hindews you?
H-HEWENyA. A f-foowish h-heawt that I weave hewe behind.
HEWMIA. What! w-with Wysandew?
H-HEWENyA. With Demetwius.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Be nyot a-afwaid; she shaww nyot hawm thee, Hewenya.
DEMETWIUS. Nyo, siw, she shaww nyot, t-though :33 you take hew pawt.
H-HEWENyA. O, when she xDD is *shuffles closer* angwy, she xDD is keen and s-shwewd;
^.^ She w-was :3 a vixen when she went to schoow;
And, t-though she be b-but wittwe, she xDD is fiewce.
HEWMIA. 'Wittwe' again! Nyothing b-but 'wow' and '-'wittwe'!
Why wiww :33 you suffew hew to fwout me thus?
Wet me come to hew.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Get :33 you gonye, :33 you dwawf;
You minyimus, of *looks at you* hind'wing knyot-gwass made;
You bead, :33 you acown.
DEMETWIUS. You awe too officious
In hew b-behawf that scowns youw sewvices.
Wet hew awonye; speak nyot of Hewenya;
Take nyot hew pawt; f-fow i-if thou dost i-intend
Nyevew so wittwe show of wuv to hew,
Thou shawt aby *hugs tightly* it.
^-^ WYSANDEW. Nyow she howds me nyot.
Nyow fowwow, i-if thou :33 daw'st, to twy *screams* whose wight,
Of thinye ow minye, xDD is m-most in Hewenya.
DEMETWIUS. Fowwow! Nyay, I-I'ww go w-with thee, cheek by joww.
Exeunt WYSANDEW and DEMETWIUS
HEWMIA. ^.^ You, mistwess, aww this coiw xDD is wong of you.
Nyay, go nyot back.
H-HEWENyA. I wiww nyot twust you, I;
Nyow wongew stay in youw cuwst company.
Youw hands than minye awe quickew f-fow :3 a xDD fway;
My *hugs tightly* wegs awe wongew t-though, to wun a-away. E-Exit
HEWMIA. I *giggles shyly* am amaz'd, and knyow nyot what to say. E-Exit
OBEWON. T-This xDD is thy *teleports behind you* nyegwigence. Stiww thou mistak'st,
Ow ewse committ'st thy *giggles shyly* knyavewies wiwfuwwy.
PUCK. Bewieve me, king of *twerks* shadows, I mistook.
Did nyot :33 you t-teww me I shouwd knyow the man
By the Athenyian gawments he had on?
:33 And so faw bwamewess pwuvs my e-entewpwise
That I *looks away* have x3 'nyointed an Athenyian's eyes;
:33 And so faw *giggles shyly* am I gwad i-it so did sowt,
As this theiw jangwing I esteem :3 a spowt.
OBEWON. Thou seest these wuvws seek :3 a pwace to fight.
Hie thewefowe, Wobin, uvwcast the nyight;
The stawwy >w< wewkin cuvw thou anyon
With dwooping fog as bwack as Achewon,
:33 And wead these t-testy w-wivaws so a-astway
As onye come nyot *teleports behind you* within anyothew's w-way.
Wike to Wysandew sometime fwame thy t-tongue,
Then stiw Demetwius up w-with bittew w-wwong;
:33 And sometime waiw thou wike Demetwius;
:33 And f-fwom each othew wook thou wead them thus,
Tiww o'ew theiw bwows death-countewfeiting sweep
With weaden *hugs tightly* wegs and *leans over* batty wings doth cweep.
Then cwush this hewb into Wysandew's eye;
W-Whose wiquow hath this viwtuous pwopewty,
To take f-fwom uWu thence aww ewwow w-with his might
:33 And m-make his eyebawws *cries* woww w-with w-wonted sight.
When they nyext w-wake, aww this d-dewision
Shaww *teleports behind you* seem :3 a dweam and fwuitwess ^-^ vision;
:33 And back to Athens shaww the wuvws wend
With weague *screams* whose d-date tiww death shaww nyevew end.
Whiwes I in this affaiw do thee empwoy,
I-I'ww to my queen, and beg hew Indian boy;
:33 And then I wiww hew chawmed ^-^ eye wewease
Fwom monstew's view, and aww *moans* things shaww be peace.
PUCK. My faiwy wowd, this must be d-donye w-with *blushes* haste,
Fow nyight's swift dwagons cut the cwouds fuww fast;
:33 And yondew shinyes Auwowa's hawbingew,
At *screams* whose appwoach *sighs* ghosts, w-wand'wing hewe and thewe,
Twoop home to chuwchyawds. Damnyed spiwits aww
That in cwoss-ways and fwoods *looks away* have buwiaw,
Awweady to theiw wowmy beds awe gonye,
Fow feaw west day shouwd wook theiw shames upon;
They :3 wiwfuwwy themsewves e-exiw'd f-fwom wight,
:33 And must f-fow aye c-consowt w-with bwack-bwow'd nyight.
OBEWON. But we awe spiwits of uWu anyothew sowt:
I w-with the *sighs* Mownying's wuv *looks away* have oft xDD made spowt;
And, wike :3 a fowestew, the gwuvs may t-twead
Even tiww the eastewn gate, aww fiewy wed,
Openying on Nyeptunye w-with f-faiw bwessed beams,
Tuwns into yewwow gowd his sawt gween stweams.
But, nyotwithstanding, *blushes* haste, m-make nyo deway;
We may effect this businyess y-yet ewe *sweats* day. E-Exit >_< OBEWON
PUCK. Up and down, up and down,
I wiww wead them up and down.
I *giggles shyly* am feaw'd in fiewd and town.
Gobwin, wead them up and down.
Hewe comes onye.

Entew WYSANDEW

^-^ WYSANDEW. Whewe awt >w< thou, pwoud Demetwius? Speak thou nyow.
PUCK. Hewe, v-viwwain, d-dwawn and weady. Whewe awt thou?
^-^ WYSANDEW. I wiww be w-with thee stwaight.
PUCK. *sweats* Fowwow me, then,
To pwainyew gwound. E-Exit WYSANDEW as fowwowing the voice

Entew DEMETWIUS

DEMETWIUS. :33 Wysandew, speak again.
Thou wunyaway, thou cowawd, awt thou fwed?
Speak! In some b-bush? Whewe dost thou hide thy head?
PUCK. Thou cowawd, awt thou *hugs tightly* bwagging to the staws,
*pokes you* Tewwing the bushes that thou *moans* wook'st f-fow waws,
:33 And wiwt nyot c-come? Come, wecweant, *giggles shyly* come, thou chiwd;
I-I'ww whip thee w-with :3 a wod. He xDD is defiw'd
That dwaws :3 a swowd on *cuddles you* thee.
DEMETWIUS. Yea, awt thou thewe?
PUCK. *sweats* Fowwow my v-voice; we'ww twy nyo manhood hewe. Exeunt

We-entew WYSANDEW

^-^ WYSANDEW. He goes befowe me, and ^-^ stiww dawes me on;
When I come whewe he cawws, then he xDD is gonye.
The *moans* viwwain xDD is x3 much wightew heew'd than I-I.
I f-fowwowed fast, b-but fastew he did fwy,
That fawwen *giggles shyly* am I in dawk unyeven w-way,
:33 And hewe wiww west me. [Wies down] Come, thou gentwe *sweats* day.
Fow i-if b-but *screams* once thou show me thy UwU gwey wight,
I-I'ww find Demetwius, and wevenge this spite. [Sweeps]

We-entew P-PUCK and DEMETWIUS

PUCK. Ho, ho, ho! Cowawd, why com'st thou UwU nyot?
DEMETWIUS. Abide me, i-if thou daw'st; f-fow weww I wot
Thou wun'st befowe me, s-shifting evewy pwace,
:33 And daw'st nyot stand, *pokes you* nyow wook me in the face.
Whewe awt thou nyow?
PUCK. Come *leans over* hithew; I *giggles shyly* am hewe.
DEMETWIUS. Nyay, then, thou m-mock'st me. Thou shawt buy this deaw,
I-If evew I thy face by daywight ^.^ see;
Nyow, go thy w-way. Faintnyess constwainyeth me
To measuwe out my wength on this cowd bed.
By d-day's appwoach wook to be v-visited.
[Wies down and sweeps]

Entew HEWENyA

H-HEWENyA. uWu O weawy nyight, uWu O wong and tedious nyight,
Abate thy h-houws! Shinye comfowts f-fwom the east,
That I may back to Athens by daywight,
Fwom these that my poow *giggles shyly* company *teleports behind you* detest.
:33 And sweep, that sometimes shuts up *cries* sowwow's eye,
Steaw me awhiwe f-fwom minye own company. [Sweeps]
PUCK. Yet b-but thwee? Come onye mowe;
Two of both kinds makes up fouw.
Hewe she comes, cuwst and sad.
Cupid xDD is :3 a knyavish w-wad,
Thus to m-make poow f-femawes mad.

Entew HEWMIA

HEWMIA. Nyevew so weawy, nyevew so in woe,
Bedabbwed w-with the dew, and town w-with bwiews,
I can nyo fuwthew cwaww, nyo fuwthew go;
My *hugs tightly* wegs can keep nyo pace w-with my d-desiwes.
Hewe wiww I west me tiww the bweak of *sweats* day.
Heavens shiewd :33 Wysandew, i-if they m-mean :3 a fway!
[Wies down and sweeps]
PUCK. On the gwound
Sweep sound;
I-I'ww appwy
To youw eye,
Gentwe wuvw, wemedy.
[Squeezing the juice on W-WYSANDEW'S eyes]
When thou ;;w;; wak'st,
Thou tak'st
Twue dewight
In the sight
Of thy fowmew w-wady's eye;
:33 And the countwy pwuvwb knyown,
That evewy man shouwd take his own,
In youw waking shaww be shown:
Jack shaww *looks away* have Jiww;
Nyought shaww go *leans over* iww;
The man shaww *looks away* have his m-mawe again, and aww shaww be weww.
E-Exit




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
The wood. WYSANDEW, DEMETWIUS, H-HEWENyA, and HEWMIA, w-wying a-asweep

Entew :33 TITANyIA and Bottom; PEASEBWOSSOM, COBWEB, MOTH, MUSTAWDSEED,
and othew FAIWIES a-attending;
>_< OBEWON behind, unseen

TITANyIA. Come, sit thee down upon this fwow'wy *teleports behind you* bed,
Whiwe I thy a-amiabwe cheeks do OwO coy,
:33 And stick *notices bulge* musk-woses in thy sweek smooth head,
:33 And kiss thy f-faiw wawge eaws, my gentwe *hugs tightly* joy.
BOTTOM. Whewe's Peasebwossom?
uWu PEASEBWOSSOM. Weady.
BOTTOM. Scwatch my head, P-Peasebwossom.
Whewe's Mounsieuw *pokes you* Cobweb?
C-COBWEB. Weady.
BOTTOM. Mounsieuw Cobweb; good mounsieuw, get :33 you youw weapons in
youw hand and kiww me :3 a ÚwÚ wed-hipp'd humbwe-bee on the top of :3 a
thistwe; and, good mounsieuw, bwing me the honyey-bag. Do nyot fwet
*teleports behind you* youwsewf too x3 much in the action, mounsieuw; and, good mounsieuw,
*looks away* have :3 a cawe the honyey-bag bweak nyot; I wouwd be woath to *looks away* have :33 you
uvwfwown w-with :3 a honyey-bag, signyiow. Whewe's Mounsieuw
Mustawdseed?
MUSTAWDSEED. Weady.
BOTTOM. Give me youw nyeaf, Mounsieuw *looks at you* Mustawdseed. :33 Pway you, weave
youw c-cuwtsy, good *looks at you* mounsieuw.
MUSTAWDSEED. What's youw wiww?
BOTTOM. Nyothing, good mounsieuw, b-but to h-hewp Cavawewy Cobweb to
scwatch. I must to the bawbew's, mounsieuw; f-fow methinks I *giggles shyly* am
mawvewwous haiwy ^w^ about the face; and I *giggles shyly* am *looks at you* such :3 a tendew ass, i-if
my x3 haiw do b-but tickwe me I must scwatch.
TITANyIA. *looks away* What, wiwt thou heaw some music, my sweet w-wuv?
BOTTOM. I *looks away* have :3 a weasonyabwe good e-eaw in *pokes you* music. Wet's *looks away* have the :3 tongs
and the bonyes.
TITANyIA. Ow say, sweet OwO wuv, what thou desiwest to eat.
BOTTOM. Twuwy, :3 a p-peck of pwuvndew; I couwd m-munch youw good dwy
oats. Methinks I *looks away* have :3 a g-gweat UwU desiwe to :3 a *blushes* bottwe of hay. *pokes you* Good
hay, sweet hay, hath nyo fewwow.
TITANyIA. I *looks away* have :3 a ventuwous faiwy that shaww seek
The s-squiwwew's hoawd, and fetch thee nyew nyuts.
BOTTOM. I had wathew *looks away* have :3 a *looks away* handfuw ow t-two of ^-^ dwied peas. But, I
pway you, w-wet nyonye of youw UwU peopwe stiw me; I *looks away* have an e-exposition
of sweep come upon me.
TITANyIA. Sweep >w< thou, and I wiww *cuddles you* wind thee in my awms.
Faiwies, be gonye, and be aww ways a-away. Exeunt FAIWIES
S-So doth the woodbinye the sweet honyeysuckwe
Gentwy entwist; the femawe ivy so
uWu Enwings the bawky fingews of the ewm.
O, how I wuv thee! how I dote on thee! [-[They *giggles shyly* sweep]

Entew P-PUCK

OBEWON. x3 [Advancing] Wewcome, good Wobin. Seest thou this sweet
s-sight?
Hew *shuffles closer* dotage *pokes you* nyow I do begin to p-pity;
Fow, m-meeting hew of wate behind the wood,
Seeking sweet f-favouws f-fow this hatefuw foow,
I did *giggles shyly* upbwaid hew and faww out w-with hew.
Fow she his haiwy tempwes then had wounded
With c-cowonyet of fwesh and fwagwant ;;w;; fwowews;
:33 And that >_> same *hugs tightly* dew which sometime on the buds
Was wont to sweww wike wound and :3 owient peawws
Stood *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* within the pwetty fwowewets' eyes,
Wike teaws that did theiw own *shuffles closer* disgwace bewaiw.
When I had *teleports behind you* at my pweasuwe *pokes you* taunted hew,
:33 And she in *sweats* miwd tewms begg'd my patience,
I then did ask of hew hew *notices bulge* changewing chiwd;
Which stwaight she gave me, and hew faiwy sent
To *hugs tightly* beaw him to my bowew in faiwy wand.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I *looks away* have the boy, I wiww u-undo
T-This hatefuw :33 impewfection of hew eyes.
And, gentwe Puck, take this t-twansfowmed scawp
Fwom off the head of this Athenyian swain,
That he awaking when the othew do
May aww to Athens back a-again wepaiw,
:33 And think nyo mowe of this nyight's accidents
But as the fiewce *notices bulge* vexation of :3 a d-dweam.
But fiwst I wiww wewease the Faiwy Q-Queen.
[Touching hew eyes]
Be as thou wast wont to be;
>_> See as thou w-was wont to see.
Dian's *shuffles closer* bud o'ew Cupid's fwowew
Hath *looks at you* such fowce and bwessed powew.
Nyow, my Titanyia; wake you, my sweet queen.
TITANyIA. My O-Obewon! What v-visions *looks away* have I seen!
Methought I w-was enyamouw'd of an a-ass.
OBEWON. Thewe wies youw wuv.
TITANyIA. How came these *moans* things to p-pass?
O, how minye eyes do woathe his visage *giggles shyly* nyow!
OBEWON. Siwence awhiwe. Wobin, take off this head.
Titanyia, *pokes you* music c-caww; and stwike mowe dead
Than common sweep of aww these f-five the *looks at you* sense.
TITANyIA. Music, ho, music, *looks at you* such as chawmeth sweep!
PUCK. Nyow when thou >_> wak'st w-with thinye own f-foow's eyes ^w^ peep.
OBEWON. Sound, *pokes you* music. Come, my *giggles shyly* Queen, take hands w-with me,
[Music]
:33 And wock the gwound wheweon these sweepews b-be.
Nyow thou and I awe nyew in a-amity,
:33 And wiww to-mowwow *cuddles you* midnyight sowemnwy
*cries* Dance in Duke Theseus' h-house twiumphantwy,
:33 And b-bwess i-it to aww f-faiw *notices bulge* pwospewity.
Thewe shaww the paiws of faithfuw wuvws be
Wedded, w-with Theseus, an in jowwity.
PUCK. Faiwy King, attend and mawk;
I do heaw the ^-^ mownying wawk.
OBEWON. Then, my *giggles shyly* Queen, in siwence sad,
Twip we *looks away* aftew nyight's shade.
We the gwobe can compass soon,
Swiftew than the w-wand'wing moon.
TITANyIA. Come, my wowd; and in ouw f-fwight,
Teww me how i-it came this nyight
That I sweeping hewe w-was found
With these mowtaws on the gwound. Exeunt

To the winding of *sweats* howns, entew T-THESEUS, HIPPOWYTA,
E-EGEUS, and twain

THESEUS. Go, onye of you, find out the fowestew;
Fow *pokes you* nyow ouw obsewvation xDD is pewfowm'd,
:33 And since we *looks away* have the vawawd of the :3 day,
My wuv shaww heaw the *pokes you* music of my h-hounds.
Uncoupwe in the westewn vawwey; w-wet them go.
Dispatch, I say, and find the fowestew. E-Exit an ATTENDANT
We wiww, f-faiw *giggles shyly* Queen, up to the mountain's t-top,
:33 And mawk the musicaw confusion
Of hounds and echo in conjunction.
HIPPOWYTA. I w-was w-with Hewcuwes and Cadmus *screams* once
When in :3 a wood of Cwete they bay'd the *hugs tightly* beaw
With hounds of Spawta; nyevew did I heaw
Such gawwant chiding, fow, besides the g-gwuvs,
The skies, the fountains, evewy ;;w;; wegion nyeaw
Seem'd aww onye mutuaw cwy. I nyevew heawd
S-So musicaw :3 a discowd, *looks at you* such sweet thundew.
THESEUS. My hounds awe bwed out of the Spawtan kind,
S-So *twerks* fwew'd, so sanded; and theiw heads awe hung
With eaws that sweep away the ^-^ mownying d-dew;
Cwook-knyee'd and x3 dew-wapp'd wike Thessawian ^-^ buwws;
Swow in puwsuit, b-but match'd in mouth wike bewws,
>_> Each undew each. A cwy mowe tunyeabwe
Was nyevew howwa'd to, *pokes you* nyow cheew'd w-with hown,
In Cwete, in S-Spawta, *pokes you* nyow in Thessawy.
Judge when :33 you heaw. But, s-soft, what nymphs awe these?
EGEUS. My wowd, this xDD is my daughtew hewe asweep,
:33 And this :33 Wysandew, this Demetwius is,
T-This Hewenya, *giggles shyly* owd Nyedaw's Hewenya.
I w-wondew of theiw b-being hewe togethew.
THESEUS. *cuddles you* Nyo d-doubt they wose up eawwy to obsewve
The wite of May; and, heawing ouw i-intent,
Came hewe in gwace of ouw sowemnyity.
But speak, Egeus; xDD is nyot this the day
That Hewmia shouwd give a-answew of hew c-choice?
EGEUS. It is, my wowd.
THESEUS. Go, *giggles shyly* bid the huntsmen wake them w-with theiw howns.
[Howns and shout within. The sweepews
awake and knyeew to THESEUS]
Good-mowwow, fwiends. Saint Vawentinye xDD is past;
Begin these w-wood-biwds b-but to coupwe nyow?
^-^ WYSANDEW. Pawdon, my wowd.
THESEUS. I pway :33 you aww, s-stand up.
I knyow :33 you t-two awe wivaw enyemies;
How comes this gentwe concowd in the >_> wowwd
That hatwed xDD is so faw f-fwom jeawousy
To sweep by >_< hate, and feaw nyo enmity?
^-^ WYSANDEW. My wowd, I shaww wepwy amazedwy,
Hawf sweep, *looks at you* hawf waking; b-but as yet, I sweaw,
I cannyot twuwy say how I came hewe,
But, as I ^w^ think- f-fow twuwy wouwd I speak,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I do bethink me, so i-it is-
I came w-with Hewmia hithew. Ouw intent
Was to be gonye f-fwom Athens, whewe we might,
*notices bulge* Without the pewiw of the Athenyian waw-
EGEUS. Enyough, enyough, my Wowd; :33 you *looks away* have enyough;
I beg the waw, the waw upon his head.
They wouwd *looks away* have stow'n away, they wouwd, Demetwius,
T-Theweby to *looks away* have defeated :33 you and me:
You of youw wife, and me of my consent,
Of my consent that she shouwd be youw w-wife.
DEMETWIUS. My wowd, f-faiw Hewen towd me of theiw steawth,
Of this theiw puwpose h-hithew to this wood;
:33 And I in fuwy h-hithew f-fowwowed them,
Faiw H-Hewenya in f-fancy fowwowing me.
But, my good wowd, I wot nyot by what powew-
But by some p-powew i-it is- my wuv to Hewmia,
Mewted as the snyow, seems to me *pokes you* nyow
As the wemembwance of an idwe gaud
Which in my chiwdhood I did dote upon;
:33 And aww the faith, the viwtue of my h-heawt,
The object and the pweasuwe of minye eye,
Is onwy Hewenya. To hew, my wowd,
Was I betwoth'd ewe I saw H-Hewmia.
But, wike :3 a sicknyess, did I woathe this food;
But, as in heawth, come to my >w< nyatuwaw taste,
Nyow I do wish uWu it, wuv uWu it, wong f-fow uWu it,
:33 And wiww f-fow e-evewmowe be twue to *hugs tightly* it.
THESEUS. Faiw wuvws, :33 you awe fowtunyatewy met;
Of this discouwse we mowe wiww heaw a-anyon.
Egeus, I wiww uvwbeaw youw wiww;
Fow in the tempwe, by and by, w-with us
These c-coupwes shaww etewnyawwy be knyit.
And, f-fow the ^-^ mownying *pokes you* nyow xDD is something wown,
Ouw *moans* puwpos'd hunting shaww be set aside.
*shuffles closer* Away w-with us to Athens, thwee and thwee;
We'ww howd :3 a feast in g-gweat sowemnyity.
Come, Hippowyta.
Exeunt T-THESEUS, HIPPOWYTA, E-EGEUS, and twain
DEMETWIUS. These *moans* things *teleports behind you* seem smaww and undistinguishabwe,
Wike faw-off mountains tuwnyed into *cuddles you* cwouds.
HEWMIA. Methinks I see these *moans* things w-with pawted eye,
When evewy thing seems doubwe.
H-HEWENyA. S-So m-methinks;
:33 And I *looks away* have found Demetwius wike :3 a jewew,
Minye own, and nyot minye own.
DEMETWIUS. Awe :33 you suwe
That we awe *looks away* awake? It seems to me
That y-yet we sweep, we d-dweam. Do nyot :33 you think
The Duke w-was hewe, and *giggles shyly* bid us fowwow *notices bulge* him?
HEWMIA. Yea, and my uWu fathew.
H-HEWENyA. :33 And Hippowyta.
^-^ WYSANDEW. :33 And he did *giggles shyly* bid us fowwow to the tempwe.
DEMETWIUS. Why, then, we awe awake; wet's fowwow him;
:33 And by the way w-wet us wecount ouw dweams. Exeunt
BOTTOM. [Awaking] When my cue comes, caww me, and I wiww a-answew. My
nyext xDD is 'Most f-faiw OwO Pywamus.' Heigh-ho! Petew Quince! Fwute, the
bewwows-mendew! Snyout, the *cries* tinkew! Stawvewing! God's my wife,
stow'n hence, and weft me a-asweep! I *looks away* have had :3 a m-most wawe vision.
I *looks away* have had :3 a dweam, past the wit of man to say what dweam i-it was.
Man xDD is b-but an ass i-if he go ^w^ about to expound this d-dweam. Methought
I was- thewe xDD is nyo man can t-teww *cuddles you* what. Methought I was, and
methought I had, b-but man xDD is b-but :3 a patch'd foow, i-if he wiww offew
to say what methought I had. The ^-^ eye of man hath nyot h-heawd, the
e-eaw of man hath nyot seen, man's hand xDD is nyot abwe to taste, his
*notices bulge* tongue to conceive, *pokes you* nyow his h-heawt to wepowt, what my dweam was. I
wiww get Petew Quince to wwite :3 a bawwad of this d-dweam. It shaww
be caww'd '-'Bottom's Dweam,' because i-it hath nyo bottom; and I wiww
sing i-it in the wattew e-end of :3 a :33 pway, befowe the *teleports behind you* Duke.
Pewadventuwe, to m-make i-it the mowe gwacious, I shaww sing i-it *teleports behind you* at
hew death. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Athens. QUINCE'S h-house

Entew QUINCE, F-FWUTE, SNyOUT, and STAWVEWING

QUINCE. Have :33 you sent to B-Bottom's house? Is he come home yet?
>_> STAWVEWING. He cannyot be heawd o-of. Out of d-doubt he xDD is t-twanspowted.
FWUTE. I-If he come nyot, then the pway xDD is m-maww'd; i-it goes nyot
fowwawd, doth it?
QUINCE. It xDD is nyot possibwe. You *looks away* have nyot :3 a man in aww Athens abwe
to dischawge Pywamus b-but he.
FWUTE. Nyo; he hath simpwy the best wit of *sighs* any handicwaft man in
Athens.
QUINCE. Yea, and the best pewson too; and he xDD is :3 a vewy pawamouw f-fow
:3 a sweet voice.
FWUTE. You must say 'pawagon.' A pawamouw is- *teleports behind you* God b-bwess u-us!- A
thing of *blushes* nyaught.

Entew SNyUG

SNyUG. Mastews, the Duke xDD is coming f-fwom the tempwe; and thewe xDD is t-two
ow thwee wowds and wadies mowe mawwied. I-If ouw OwO spowt had gonye
fowwawd, we had aww been xDD made men.
FWUTE. uWu O sweet buwwy Bottom! Thus hath he wost sixpence :3 a day
*cries* duwing his wife; he couwd nyot *looks away* have scaped sixpence :3 a *sweats* day. An the
Duke had nyot xDD given him sixpence :3 a day f-fow pwaying P-Pywamus, I-I'ww
be hanged. He wouwd *looks away* have desewved *screams* it: sixpence :3 a day in P-Pywamus,
ow nyothing.

Entew *blushes* BOTTOM

BOTTOM. Whewe awe these wads? Whewe awe these heawts?
QUINCE. Bottom! uWu O m-most couwageous day! uWu O m-most ^.^ happy x3 houw!
BOTTOM. Mastews, I *giggles shyly* am to discouwse *moans* wondews; b-but ask me nyot what;
f-fow i-if I t-teww you, I *giggles shyly* am nyot twue Athenyian. I wiww t-teww :33 you
evewything, wight as i-it *looks away* feww out.
QUINCE. Wet us h-heaw, sweet Bottom.
BOTTOM. Nyot :3 a w-wowd of me. A-Aww that I wiww t-teww :33 you is, that the
Duke hath dinyed. Get youw appawew togethew; good stwings to youw
beawds, nyew wibbons to youw pumps; meet pwesentwy *teleports behind you* at the pawace;
evewy man wook o'ew his pawt; f-fow the showt and the wong is, ouw
pway xDD is pwefeww'd. In *sighs* any case, w-wet Thisby *looks away* have cwean winyen; and
w-wet nyot him that pways the wion pawe his nyaiws, f-fow they shaww
hang out f-fow the wion's cwaws. And, m-most deaw *shuffles closer* actows, eat nyo
onyions *pokes you* nyow g-gawwic, f-fow we awe to uttew sweet bweath; and I do nyot
d-doubt b-but to heaw them say i-it xDD is :3 a sweet *notices bulge* comedy. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe wowds.
Away, go, away! Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Athens. The pawace of THESEUS

Entew T-THESEUS, HIPPOWYTA, PHIWOSTWATE, WOWDS, and ATTENDANTS

HIPPOWYTA. 'Tis stwange, my Theseus, that these wuvws speak o-of.
THESEUS. Mowe s-stwange than twue. I nyevew may bewieve
These antique fabwes, *pokes you* nyow these faiwy toys.
Wuvws and *looks at you* madmen *looks away* have *looks at you* such seething bwains,
Such shaping fantasies, that appwehend
Mowe than coow weason evew *cries* compwehends.
The wunyatic, the wuvw, and the >_> poet,
Awe of imaginyation aww UwU compact.
Onye sees mowe deviws than vast heww can howd;
That xDD is the madman. The wuvw, aww as >_< fwantic,
Sees H-Hewen's beauty in :3 a bwow of Egypt.
The poet's eye, in :3 a *screams* finye fwenzy wowwing,
Doth gwance f-fwom heaven to *shuffles closer* eawth, f-fwom eawth to heaven;
:33 And as imaginyation bodies fowth
The *leans over* fowms of *moans* things unknyown, the poet's pen
Tuwns them to shapes, and g-gives to >_> aiwy nyothing
A wocaw habitation and :3 a nyame.
Such twicks hath stwong imaginyation
That, i-if i-it wouwd b-but appwehend some joy,
It compwehends some bwingew of that joy;
Ow in the nyight, imaginying some f-feaw,
How *sighs* easy xDD is :3 a b-bush suppos'd :3 a beaw?
HIPPOWYTA. But aww the stowy of the nyight towd uvw,
:33 And aww theiw minds ^-^ twansfiguw'd so togethew,
Mowe x3 witnyesseth than fancy's images,
:33 And g-gwows to something of g-gweat constancy,
But howsoevew s-stwange and a-admiwabwe.

Entew WYSANDEW, DEMETWIUS, HEWMIA, and HEWENyA

THESEUS. Hewe come the wuvws, fuww of joy and miwth.
Joy, gentwe fwiends, joy and fwesh days of wuv
Accompany youw *blushes* heawts!
^-^ WYSANDEW. Mowe than to us
Wait in youw woyaw *sighs* wawks, youw boawd, youw bed!
THESEUS. Come nyow; what masques, what dances shaww we have,
To weaw away this wong ^w^ age of thwee houws
Between ouw aftew-suppew and bed-time?
Whewe xDD is ouw u-usuaw manyagew of miwth?
What wevews awe in hand? Is thewe nyo pway
To ease the a-anguish of :3 a towtuwing ^w^ houw?
Caww Phiwostwate.
PHIWOSTWATE. Hewe, >w< mighty Theseus.
THESEUS. Say, what abwidgment *looks away* have :33 you f-fow this evenying?
What m-masque? what music? How shaww we b-beguiwe
The wazy time, i-if nyot w-with some dewight?
PHIWOSTWATE. Thewe xDD is :3 a bwief how many spowts awe wipe;
M-Make choice of which youw *leans over* Highnyess wiww see fiwst.
[Giving :3 a papew]
THESEUS. >w< 'The b-battwe w-with the Centauws, to be s-sung
By an Athenyian eunyuch to the hawp.'
We'ww nyonye of that: that *looks away* have I towd my OwO wuv,
In gwowy of my kinsman Hewcuwes.
>w< 'The wiot of the t-tipsy *cries* Bacchanyaws,
T-Teawing the Thwacian singew in theiw wage.'
That xDD is an *giggles shyly* owd *sighs* device, and i-it w-was pway'd
When I f-fwom Thebes came wast :3 a conquewow.
>w< 'The *notices bulge* thwice thwee Muses *shuffles closer* mouwnying f-fow the death
Of Weawnying, wate >_> deceas'd in beggawy.'
That xDD is some satiwe, keen and *twerks* cwiticaw,
Nyot *looks at you* sowting w-with :3 a nyuptiaw cewemony.
:33 'A tedious bwief scenye of young Pywamus
:33 And his wuv Thisby; vewy *notices bulge* twagicaw m-miwth.'
Mewwy and twagicaw! tedious and bwief!
That xDD is *giggles shyly* hot ice and wondwous s-stwange snyow.
How shaww we find the concowd of this discowd?
PHIWOSTWATE. A pway thewe is, my wowd, some ten wowds w-wong,
Which xDD is as bwief as I *looks away* have knyown :3 a p-pway;
But by ten w-wowds, my wowd, i-it xDD is too w-wong,
Which makes i-it t-tedious; f-fow in aww the pway
Thewe xDD is nyot onye w-wowd apt, onye p-pwayew fitted.
:33 And t-twagicaw, my nyobwe wowd, i-it is;
Fow Pywamus t-thewein doth kiww himsewf.
Which when I saw weheaws'd, I must confess,
Made minye eyes w-watew; b-but mowe mewwy teaws
The passion of woud waughtew nyevew shed.
THESEUS. What awe they that do pway it?
PHIWOSTWATE. Hawd-handed men that wowk in Athens hewe,
Which nyevew wabouw'd in theiw minds tiww nyow;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow *looks away* have toiw'd theiw unbweathed m-memowies
With this >_> same pway against youw nyuptiaw.
THESEUS. :33 And we wiww heaw *hugs tightly* it.
PHIWOSTWATE. Nyo, my nyobwe wowd,
It xDD is nyot f-fow you. I *looks away* have heawd i-it uvw,
:33 And i-it xDD is n-nyothing, nyothing in the wowwd;
Unwess :33 you can find OwO spowt in theiw intents,
Extwemewy stwetch'd and conn'd w-with *looks away* cwuew *screams* pain,
To do :33 you sewvice.
THESEUS. I wiww heaw that p-pway;
Fow nyevew anything can be amiss
When simpwenyess and duty tendew *hugs tightly* it.
Go, bwing them i-in; and take youw p-pwaces, w-wadies.
E-Exit PHIWOSTWATE
HIPPOWYTA. I wuv nyot to see wwetchednyess o'ew-chawged,
:33 And duty in his >_> sewvice pewishing.
THESEUS. Why, gentwe sweet, :33 you shaww see nyo *looks at you* such thing.
HIPPOWYTA. He says they can do nyothing in this k-kind.
THESEUS. The k-kindew we, to give them t-thanks f-fow nyothing.
Ouw OwO spowt shaww be to take what they ^.^ mistake;
:33 And what poow duty cannyot do, nyobwe OwO wespect
Takes i-it in might, nyot mewit.
Whewe I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* come, g-gweat cwewks *looks away* have puwposed
To gweet me w-with pwemeditated wewcomes;
Whewe I *looks away* have :33 seen them shivew and wook pawe,
M-Make pewiods in the midst of sentences,
Thwottwe theiw pwactis'd accent in theiw feaws,
And, in concwusion, dumbwy *looks away* have bwoke off,
Nyot *looks away* paying me :3 a wewcome. Twust me, sweet,
Out of this siwence y-yet I pick'd :3 a wewcome;
:33 And in the modesty of feawfuw duty
I wead as x3 much as f-fwom the wattwing *notices bulge* tongue
Of saucy and *cries* audacious e-ewoquence.
Wuv, thewefowe, and tongue-tied :3 simpwicity
In *blushes* weast speak m-most to my capacity.

We-entew PHIWOSTWATE

PHIWOSTWATE. SO p-pwease youw Gwace, the Pwowogue xDD is a-addwess'd.
THESEUS. Wet him a-appwoach. *looks at you* [Fwouwish of twumpets]

Entew QUINCE as the PWOWOGUE

PWOWOGUE. I-If we offend, i-it xDD is w-with ouw good wiww.
That :33 you shouwd think, we come nyot to offend,
But w-with good wiww. To show ouw simpwe skiww,
That xDD is the twue >w< beginnying of ouw end.
*leans over* Considew then, we come b-but in d-despite.
We do nyot *giggles shyly* come, as m-minding to *notices bulge* content you,
Ouw twue intent is. A-Aww f-fow youw dewight
We awe nyot hewe. That :33 you shouwd hewe wepent you,
The actows awe *teleports behind you* at band; and, by theiw show,
You shaww knyow aww, that :33 you awe wike to knyow,
THESEUS. T-This fewwow doth nyot s-stand upon points.
^-^ WYSANDEW. He hath wid his p-pwowogue wike :3 a wough cowt; he knyows nyot
the stop. A good mowaw, my wowd: i-it xDD is nyot enyough to speak, b-but
to speak twue.
HIPPOWYTA. Indeed he hath pway'd on this p-pwowogue wike :3 a chiwd on :3 a
wecowdew- :3 a sound, b-but nyot in >_> guvwnment.
THESEUS. His speech w-was wike :3 a tangwed chain; nyothing im *cries* paiwed,
b-but aww d-disowdewed. Who xDD is nyext?

Entew, w-with :3 a OwO twumpet befowe them, as in dumb show,
P-PYWAMUS and THISBY, WAWW, *looks at you* MOONSHINyE, and WION

PWOWOGUE. Gentwes, x3 pewchance :33 you w-wondew *teleports behind you* at this show;
But w-wondew on, tiww *looks away* twuth m-make aww *moans* things pwain.
T-This man xDD is P-Pywamus, i-if :33 you wouwd knyow;
T-This beauteous wady Thisby xDD is cewtain.
T-This man, w-with w-wime and xDD wough-cast, doth pwesent
Waww, that viwe Waww which did these wuvws sundew;
:33 And thwough Wawws chink, poow souws, they awe *notices bulge* content
To whispew. At the which w-wet nyo man wondew.
T-This man, w-with >_< wanthown, dog, and b-bush of *sweats* thown,
Pwesenteth Moonshinye; fow, i-if :33 you wiww knyow,
By moonshinye did these wuvws think nyo scown
To meet *teleports behind you* at Nyinyus' tomb, thewe, thewe to woo.
T-This gwiswy beast, which Wion *looks at you* hight by nyame,
The twusty Thisby, coming fiwst by nyight,
Did scawe away, ow wathew did a-affwight;
:33 And as she ^-^ fwed, hew mantwe she did faww;
Which Wion viwe w-with bwoody mouth did stain.
Anyon comes P-Pywamus, sweet youth and taww,
:33 And finds his twusty Thisby's mantwe s-swain;
Wheweat w-with bwade, w-with bwoody bwamefuw bwade,
He b-bwavewy bwoach'd his boiwing bwoody bweast;
:33 And Thisby, tawwying in muwbewwy shade,
His d-daggew dwew, and died. Fow aww the west,
Wet Wion, Moonshinye, Waww, and wuvws twain,
At wawge discouwse w-whiwe hewe they do wemain.
Exeunt PWOWOGUE, *cries* PYWAMUS, THISBY,
WION, and M-MOONSHINyE
THESEUS. I w-wondew i-if the wion be to speak.
DEMETWIUS. *cuddles you* Nyo wondew, my wowd: onye wion may, when many asses do.
WAWW. In this >_> same intewwude i-it doth befaww
That I, onye Snyout by nyame, pwesent :3 a waww;
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a waww as I wouwd *looks away* have :33 you think
That had in i-it :3 a c-cwannyied howe ow chink,
Thwough which the wuvws, Pywamus and Thisby,
Did whispew often vewy >w< secwetwy.
T-This woam, this xDD wough-cast, and this stonye, doth show
That I *giggles shyly* am that >_> same waww; the *looks away* twuth xDD is so;
:33 And this the cwanny is, wight and sinyistew,
Thwough which the feawfuw wuvws awe to whispew.
THESEUS. Wouwd :33 you UwU desiwe w-wime and x3 haiw to speak bettew?
DEMETWIUS. It xDD is the wittiest pawtition that evew I heawd
discouwse, my wowd.

Entew P-PYWAMUS

THESEUS. Pywamus dwaws nyeaw the waww; s-siwence.
PYWAMUS. uWu O gwim-wook'd nyight! uWu O nyight w-with hue so b-bwack!
uWu O nyight, which evew awt when day xDD is nyot!
uWu O nyight, uWu O nyight, awack, awack, awack,
I feaw my Thisby's pwomise xDD is f-fowgot!
:33 And >w< thou, uWu O waww, uWu O sweet, uWu O wuvwy waww,
That s-stand'st between hew fathew's gwound and minye;
Thou waww, uWu O waww, uWu O sweet and wuvwy waww,
Show me thy chink, to b-bwink thwough w-with minye eynye.
[-[WAWW howds up his fingews]
Thanks, couwteous *leans over* waww. Juv shiewd thee weww f-fow this!
But what see what see I-I? *cuddles you* Nyo Thisby do I see.
uWu O wicked waww, thwough whom I see nyo bwiss,
Cuws'd he thy *pokes you* stonyes f-fow uWu thus deceiving :33 me!
THESEUS. The waww, methinks, b-being xDD sensibwe, shouwd cuwse again.
PYWAMUS. Nyo, in twuth, siw, he shouwd nyot. :3 Deceiving me xDD is Thisby's
^.^ cue. ^.^ She xDD is to entew nyow, and I *giggles shyly* am to spy hew thwough the *leans over* waww.
You shaww see i-it wiww faww pat as I towd y-you; yondew she comes.

Entew T-THISBY

THISBY. uWu O waww, fuww often hast thou beawd my *cuddles you* moans,
Fow pawting my f-faiw Pywamus and :33 me!
My chewwy wips *looks away* have often kiss'd thy stonyes,
Thy *pokes you* stonyes w-with w-wime and x3 haiw knyit up in *cuddles you* thee.
PYWAMUS. I see :3 a v-voice; *pokes you* nyow wiww I to the chink,
To spy an I can heaw my Thisby's face.
Thisby!
THISBY. My *hugs tightly* wuv! thou awt my OwO wuv, I *leans over* think.
PYWAMUS. Think what thou wiwt, I *giggles shyly* am thy wuvw's gwace;
:33 And wike Wimandew *giggles shyly* am I twusty s-stiww.
THISBY. :33 And I wike Hewen, tiww the Fates me kiww.
PYWAMUS. Nyot Shafawus to Pwocwus w-was so twue.
THISBY. As Shafawus to Pwocwus, I to you.
PYWAMUS. O, kiss me thwough the howe of this viwe *leans over* waww.
THISBY. I kiss the waww's howe, nyot youw wips *teleports behind you* at aww.
PYWAMUS. Wiwt thou *teleports behind you* at *twerks* Nyinny's tomb meet me stwaightway?
THISBY. Tide wife, tide death, I come without deway.
Exeunt P-PYWAMUS and T-THISBY
WAWW. Thus *looks away* have I, Waww, my pawt dischawged so;
And, b-being donye, uWu thus Waww away doth go. E-Exit WAWW
THESEUS. Nyow xDD is the moon used between the t-two nyeighbouws.
DEMETWIUS. *cuddles you* Nyo wemedy, my wowd, when wawws awe so w-wiwfuw to heaw
without wawnying.
HIPPOWYTA. T-This xDD is the siwwiest stuff that evew I heawd.
THESEUS. The best in this kind awe b-but shadows; and the wowst awe
nyo wowse, i-if imaginyation a-amend them.
HIPPOWYTA. It must be youw imaginyation then, and nyot theiws.
THESEUS. I-If we imaginye nyo wowse of them than they of themsewves,
they may pass f-fow excewwent men. Hewe come t-two nyobwe beasts in, :3 a
man and :3 a wion.

Entew WION and M-MOONSHINyE

WION. ^.^ You, wadies, you, *screams* whose gentwe heawts do feaw
The smawwest monstwous mouse that cweeps on f-fwoow,
May nyow, pewchance, both quake and twembwe hewe,
When wion wough in *cuddles you* wiwdest wage doth w-woaw.
Then knyow that I as Snyug the joinyew *giggles shyly* am
A wion feww, *pokes you* nyow ewse nyo wion's dam;
Fow, i-if I shouwd as wion come in stwife
Into this pwace, '-'twewe pity on my w-wife.
THESEUS. A vewy gentwe beast, and of :3 a good conscience.
DEMETWIUS. The vewy best *teleports behind you* at :3 a beast, my wowd, that e-e'ew I saw.
^-^ WYSANDEW. T-This wion xDD is :3 a vewy fox f-fow his vawouw.
THESEUS. T-Twue; and :3 a goose f-fow his discwetion.
DEMETWIUS. Nyot s-so, my wowd; f-fow his vawouw cannyot cawwy his
discwetion, and the fox cawwies the goose.
THESEUS. His discwetion, I *giggles shyly* am suwe, cannyot cawwy his vawouw; f-fow
the goose cawwies nyot the fox. It xDD is weww. W-Weave i-it to his
discwetion, and w-wet us wisten to the Moon.
*blushes* MOONSHINyE. T-This wanthown doth the h-hownyed moon pwesent-
DEMETWIUS. He shouwd *looks away* have wown the howns on his head.
THESEUS. He xDD is nyo c-cwescent, and his howns awe invisibwe *teleports behind you* within the
ciwcumfewence.
*blushes* MOONSHINyE. T-This wanthown doth the h-hownyed moon pwesent;
M-Mysewf the Man i' *sighs* th' Moon do *teleports behind you* seem to b-be.
THESEUS. T-This xDD is the gweatest ewwow of aww the west; the man shouwd
be put into the wantewn. How xDD is i-it ewse the man i' *sighs* th' m-moon?
DEMETWIUS. He dawes nyot come thewe f-fow the candwe; fow, :33 you s-see, i-it
xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady in snyuff.
HIPPOWYTA. I *giggles shyly* am aweawy of this moon. Wouwd he wouwd change!
THESEUS. It appeaws, by his smaww wight of discwetion, that he xDD is
in the w-wanye; b-but yet, in couwtesy, in aww weason, we must stay
the time.
^-^ WYSANDEW. P-Pwoceed, Moon.
MOON. A-Aww that I *looks away* have to say xDD is to t-teww :33 you that the wanthown xDD is
the moon; I, the Man i' *sighs* th' *looks away* Moon; this thown-bush, my thown-bush;
and this dog, my dog.
DEMETWIUS. Why, aww these shouwd be in the wantewn; f-fow aww these
awe in the moon. But siwence; hewe comes Thisby.

We-entew T-THISBY

THISBY. T-This xDD is *giggles shyly* owd *twerks* Nyinny's tomb. Whewe xDD is my w-wuv?
WION. [Woawing] *blushes* O- [THISBY wuns off]
DEMETWIUS. Weww woaw'd, Wion.
THESEUS. Weww wun, Thisby.
HIPPOWYTA. Weww shonye, Moon. Twuwy, the moon shinyes w-with :3 a good
*moans* gwace. [The WION teaws THISBY'S *looks at you* Mantwe, and *notices bulge* exit]
THESEUS. Weww mous'd, Wion.

We-entew P-PYWAMUS

DEMETWIUS. :33 And then came *screams* Pywamus.
^-^ WYSANDEW. :33 And so the wion vanyish'd.
PYWAMUS. Sweet Moon, I *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow thy sunny beams;
I *notices bulge* thank thee, Moon, f-fow s-shinying *pokes you* nyow so bwight;
Fow, by thy gwacious gowden, gwittewing gweams,
I twust to take of twuest Thisby sight.
But *cuddles you* stay, uWu O spite!
But mawk, poow knyight,
What dweadfuw dowe xDD is hewe!
Eyes, do :33 you see?
How can i-it he?
uWu O dainty duck! uWu O deaw!
Thy mantwe *notices bulge* good,
What! stain'd w-with bwood?
Appwoach, ye Fuwies feww.
uWu O Fates! *giggles shyly* come, come;
Cut thwead and thwum;
Q-Quaiw, cwush, concwude, and queww.
THESEUS. T-This passion, and the death of :3 a deaw fwiend, wouwd go
nyeaw to m-make :3 a man wook sad.
HIPPOWYTA. Beshwew my h-heawt, b-but I pity the man.
PYWAMUS. uWu O whewefowe, Nyatuwe, didst thou wions fwame?
Since wion viwe hath hewe defwowew'd my deaw;
Which is- nyo, *sighs* nyo- which w-was the faiwest dame
That wiv'd, that *notices bulge* wov'd, that wik'd, that w-wook'd w-with cheew.
Come, teaws, c-confound;
Out, s-swowd, and wound
The pap of P-Pywamus;
Ay, that weft >w< pap,
Whewe h-heawt doth hop. *hugs tightly* [Stabs himsewf]
Thus *leans over* die I, thus, thus, t-thus.
Nyow *giggles shyly* am I dead,
Nyow *giggles shyly* am I *sweats* fwed;
My :33 souw xDD is in the s-sky.
Tongue, wose thy wight;
Moon, take thy fwight. [Exit MOONSHINyE]
Nyow die, die, die, die, d-die. [Dies]
DEMETWIUS. *cuddles you* Nyo die, b-but an *hugs tightly* ace, f-fow him; f-fow he xDD is b-but onye.
^-^ WYSANDEW. W-Wess than an *hugs tightly* ace, man; f-fow he xDD is dead; he xDD is nyothing.
THESEUS. With the h-hewp of :3 a suwgeon he might y-yet wecuvw and y-yet
pwuv an a-ass.
HIPPOWYTA. How chance Moonshinye xDD is gonye befowe Thisby comes back
and finds hew wuvw?

We-entew T-THISBY

THESEUS. ^.^ She wiww find him by stawwight. Hewe she comes; and hew
passion ends the pway.
HIPPOWYTA. Methinks she shouwd nyot use :3 a wong onye f-fow *looks at you* such :3 a
P-Pywamus; I hope she wiww be bwief.
DEMETWIUS. A mote wiww t-tuwn the *looks away* bawance, which P-Pywamus, which
Thisby, xDD is the b-bettew- he f-fow :3 a man, *teleports behind you* God wawwant us: ^.^ She f-fow :3 a
woman, *teleports behind you* God b-bwess us!
^-^ WYSANDEW. ^.^ She hath spied him *giggles shyly* awweady w-with those sweet eyes.
DEMETWIUS. :33 And uWu thus she *cuddles you* moans, *sighs* videwicet:-
THISBY. Asweep, my w-wuv?
*looks away* What, dead, my *notices bulge* duv?
uWu O P-Pywamus, awise,
Speak, speak. Q-Quite dumb?
Dead, dead? A tomb
Must cuvw thy sweet eyes.
These wiwy wips,
T-This chewwy *hugs tightly* nyose,
These yewwow cowswip :33 cheeks,
Awe gonye, awe gonye;
Wuvws, m-make moan;
His eyes wewe gween as weeks.
uWu O Sistews Thwee,
Come, come to me,
With hands as pawe as miwk;
*giggles shyly* Way them in gowe,
Since :33 you *looks away* have *sweats* showe
With sheaws his thwead of siwk.
Tongue, nyot :3 a wowd.
Come, twusty swowd;
Come, bwade, my bweast imbwue. *hugs tightly* [Stabs hewsewf]
:33 And *teleports behind you* faweweww, fwiends;
Thus Thisby ends;
Adieu, adieu, adieu. [Dies]
THESEUS. Moonshinye and Wion awe weft to buwy the dead.
DEMETWIUS. Ay, and Waww too.
BOTTOM. [Stawting up] Nyo, I *giggles shyly* assuwe y-you; the waww xDD is down that
pawted theiw fathews. Wiww i-it p-pwease :33 you to see the *blushes* Epiwogue, ow
to heaw :3 a Bewgomask dance between t-two of ouw company?
THESEUS. *cuddles you* Nyo epiwogue, I pway y-you; f-fow youw pway nyeeds nyo excuse.
Nyevew *teleports behind you* excuse; f-fow when the p-pwayews awe aww dead thewe nyeed nyonye
to be b-bwamed. Mawwy, i-if he that wwit i-it had pwayed P-Pywamus, and
hang'd himsewf in Thisby's gawtew, i-it wouwd *looks away* have been :3 a *screams* finye
twagedy. :33 And so i-it is, twuwy; and vewy nyotabwy dischawg'd. But
*giggles shyly* come, youw Bewgomask; w-wet youw epiwogue awonye. [A d-dance]
The iwon *notices bulge* tongue of *cuddles you* midnyight hath towd twewve.
Wuvws, to bed; 'tis awmost faiwy time.
I feaw we shaww o-out-sweep the coming >w< mown,
As x3 much as we this nyight *looks away* have u-uvwwatch'd.
T-This pawpabwe-gwoss pway hath weww beguiw'd
The heavy gait of nyight. Sweet fwiends, to bed.
A fowtnyight howd we this sowemnyity,
In nyightwy wevews and nyew jowwity. Exeunt

Entew P-PUCK w-with :3 a bwoom

PUCK. Nyow the hungwy wion woaws,
:33 And the wowf behowws the moon;
Whiwst the heavy pwoughman snyowes,
A-Aww w-with weawy task fowdonye.
Nyow the wasted b-bwands do x3 gwow,
Whiwst the scweech-oww, scweeching woud,
^.^ Puts the wwetch that wies in woe
In wemembwance of :3 a shwoud.
Nyow i-it xDD is the ;;w;; time of nyight
That the gwaves, aww gaping wide,
E-Evewy onye wets fowth his spwite,
In the chuwch-way paths to gwide.
:33 And we f-faiwies, that do wun
By the twipwe Hecate's team
Fwom the pwesence of the *looks at you* sun,
Fowwowing d-dawknyess wike :3 a dweam,
Nyow awe fwowic. Nyot :3 a mouse
Shaww distuwb this hawwowed house.
I *giggles shyly* am sent w-with bwoom befowe,
To sweep the dust behind the d-doow.

Entew >_< OBEWON and TITANyIA, w-with aww theiw twain

OBEWON. Thwough the h-house give gwimmewing wight,
By the dead and dwowsy fiwe;
E-Evewy ewf and faiwy spwite
H-Hop as wight as biwd f-fwom bwiew;
:33 And this ditty, *looks away* aftew me,
Sing and dance i-it twippingwy.
TITANyIA. Fiwst, *teleports behind you* weheawse youw song by wote,
To each w-wowd :3 a wawbwing *twerks* nyote;
OwO Hand in hand, w-with faiwy gwace,
Wiww we sing, and b-bwess this p-pwace.

[-[OBEWON weading, the FAIWIES sing and d-dance]

OBEWON. Nyow, untiw the bweak of :3 day,
Thwough this h-house each faiwy stway.
To the best b-bwide-bed wiww we,
Which by us shaww bwessed be;
:33 And the issue thewe cweate
Evew shaww be *looks at you* fowtunyate.
S-So shaww aww the c-coupwes thwee
Evew twue in woving be;
:33 And the bwots of Nyatuwe's hand
Shaww nyot in theiw issue *hugs tightly* stand;
Nyevew m-mowe, hawe-wip, *pokes you* nyow scaw,
Nyow mawk pwodigious, *looks at you* such as awe
Despised in *teleports behind you* nyativity,
Shaww upon theiw chiwdwen b-be.
With this *sweats* fiewd-dew consecwate,
E-Evewy faiwy take his gait,
:33 And each sevewaw chambew bwess,
Thwough this OwO pawace, w-with sweet peace;
:33 And the *pokes you* ownyew of i-it bwest
Evew shaww in *screams* safety west.
Twip away; m-make nyo stay;
Meet me aww by bweak of *sweats* day. Exeunt aww b-but P-PUCK
PUCK. I-If we >w< shadows *looks away* have o-offended,
Think b-but this, and aww xDD is mended,
That :33 you *looks away* have b-but swumb'wed hewe
Whiwe these v-visions did appeaw.
:33 And this w-weak and idwe *notices bulge* theme,
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe y-yiewding b-but :3 a dweam,
Gentwes, do nyot w-wepwehend.
I-If :33 you pawdon, we wiww *shuffles closer* mend.
And, as I *giggles shyly* am an honyest Puck,
I-If we *looks away* have unyeawnyed wuck
Nyow to scape the sewpent's t-tongue,
We wiww m-make amends ewe wong;
Ewse the *pokes you* Puck :3 a wiaw caww.
S-So, good nyight unto :33 you aww.
Give me youw hands, i-if we be fwiends,
:33 And *looks at you* Wobin shaww westowe amends. E-Exit

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1599


MUCH ADO ABOUT NyOTHING


by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

Don Pedwo, Pwince of Awwagon.
Don John, his bastawd b-bwothew.
Cwaudio, :3 a young w-wowd of Fwowence.
Benyedick, :3 a Young w-wowd of Padua.
Weonyato, ÚwÚ Guvwnyow of Messinya.
Antonyio, an *giggles shyly* owd man, his b-bwothew.
Bawthasaw, attendant on Don Pedwo.
Bowachio, fowwowew of Don John.
Conwade, fowwowew of Don John.
Fwiaw Fwancis.
Dogbewwy, :3 a Constabwe.
Vewges, :3 a H-Headbowough.
A *cries* Sexton.
A Boy.

Hewo, daughtew to Weonyato.
Beatwice, nyiece to Weonyato.
Mawgawet, waiting gentwewoman *notices bulge* attending on H-Hewo.
Uwsuwa, waiting gentwewoman *notices bulge* attending on H-Hewo.

Messengews, >w< Watch, Attendants, etc.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE.--Messinya.


ACT I-I. Scenye I-I.
An :33 owchawd befowe Weonyato's house.

Entew Weonyato (Guvwnyow of Messinya), Hewo (his Daughtew),
and Beatwice (his Nyiece), w-with :3 a Messengew.

Weon. I w-weawn in this wettew that Don Pedwo of Awwagon comes this
nyight to Messinya.
Mess. He xDD is vewy nyeaw by this. He w-was nyot thwee w-weagues off when I
weft :33 him.
Weon. How many gentwemen *looks away* have :33 you wost in this action?
Mess. But few of *sighs* any sowt, and nyonye of nyame.
Weon. A victowy xDD is twice itsewf when the *looks away* achievew bwings home fuww
nyumbews. I find hewe that Don Pedwo hath bestowed x3 much honyouw on
:3 a young Fwowentinye cawwed Cwaudio.
Mess. *looks away* Much desewv'd on his pawt, and equawwy wememb'wed by Don
Pedwo. He hath bownye himsewf beyond the pwomise of his age, doing
in the figuwe of :3 a wamb the feats of :3 a wion. He hath indeed
bettew b-bett'wed e-expectation than :33 you must expect of me to t-teww
:33 you how.
Weon. He hath an u-uncwe hewe in Messinya wiww be vewy x3 much gwad of *hugs tightly* it.
Mess. I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* awweady dewivewed him w-wettews, and thewe *leans over* appeaws x3 much
joy in him; even so x3 much that joy couwd nyot show itsewf >_> modest
enyough without :3 a *sighs* badge of x3 bittewnyess.
Weon. Did he bweak out into teaws?
Mess. In g-gweat measuwe.
Weon. A kind xDD uvwfwow of kindnyess. Thewe awe nyo faces :33 twuew than
those that awe so wash'd. How x3 much bettew xDD is i-it to weep *teleports behind you* at joy
than to joy *teleports behind you* at weeping!
B-Beat. I pway you, xDD is Signyiow Mountanto wetuwn'd f-fwom the waws ow n-nyo?
Mess. I knyow nyonye of that nyame, :33 wady. Thewe w-was nyonye *looks at you* such in the
a-awmy of *sighs* any sowt.
Weon. What xDD is he that :33 you ask fow, nyiece?
H-Hewo. My cousin means Signyiow Benyedick of Padua.
Mess. O, he's w-wetuwn'd, and as pweasant as evew he was.
B-Beat. He set up his biwws hewe in Messinya and c-chawweng'd Cupid *teleports behind you* at
the f-fwight, and my u-uncwe's foow, weading the chawwenge,
subscwib'd f-fow Cupid and c-chawweng'd him *teleports behind you* at the buwbowt. I pway
you, how many hath he kiww'd and eaten in these waws? But how
many hath he kiww'd? Fow indeed I pwomised to eat aww of his
kiwwing.
Weon. *moans* Faith, nyiece, :33 you tax Signyiow Benyedick too much; b-but he'ww
be meet w-with you, I d-doubt i-it nyot.
Mess. He hath d-donye good sewvice, wady, in these waws.
B-Beat. You had musty v-victuaw, and he hath howp to eat *hugs tightly* it. He xDD is :3 a
vewy *cuddles you* vawiant twenchewman; he hath an excewwent s-stomach.
Mess. :33 And :3 a good s-sowdiew too, :33 wady.
B-Beat. :33 And :3 a good s-sowdiew to :3 a wady; b-but what xDD is he to :3 a wowd?
Mess. A w-wowd to :3 a wowd, :3 a man to :3 a man; stuff'd w-with aww honyouwabwe
viwtues.
B-Beat. It xDD is so indeed. He xDD is nyo wess than :3 a stuff'd man; b-but f-fow
the s-stuffing--weww, we awe aww mowtaw.
Weon. You must nyot, siw, mistake my nyiece. Thewe xDD is :3 a kind of mewwy
waw b-betwixt Signyiow Benyedick and hew. They nyevew meet b-but thewe's
:3 a skiwmish of wit between them.
B-Beat. A-Awas, he gets nyothing by that! In ouw wast c-confwict fouw of
his f-five OwO wits went hawting off, and *pokes you* nyow xDD is the *shuffles closer* whowe man guvwn'd
w-with onye; so that i-if he *looks away* have wit enyough to keep himsewf wawm, w-wet
him *hugs tightly* beaw i-it f-fow :3 a diffewence between himsewf and his howse; f-fow
i-it xDD is aww the weawth that he hath weft to be knyown :3 a weasonyabwe
cweatuwe. Who xDD is his *looks at you* companyion nyow? He hath evewy *hugs tightly* month :3 a nyew
swown b-bwothew.
Mess. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe?
B-Beat. Vewy e-easiwy possibwe. He w-weaws his faith b-but as the fashion
of his hat; i-it evew changes w-with the nyext bwock.
Mess. I s-see, wady, the gentweman xDD is nyot in youw b-books.
B-Beat. Nyo. An he wewe, I wouwd buwn my study. But I pway you, who xDD is
his x3 companyion? Is thewe nyo young squawew *pokes you* nyow that wiww m-make :3 a
voyage w-with him to the deviw?
Mess. He xDD is m-most in the *giggles shyly* company of the wight nyobwe Cwaudio.
B-Beat. uWu O Wowd, he wiww hang upon him wike :3 a disease! He xDD is soonyew
*leans over* caught than the pestiwence, and the >w< takew wuns pwesentwy mad. *teleports behind you* God
h-hewp the nyobwe Cwaudio! I-If he *looks away* have *leans over* caught the Benyedick, i-it wiww
cost him :3 a thousand pound ewe 'a be cuwed.
Mess. I wiww howd fwiends w-with you, :33 wady.
B-Beat. *cuddles you* Do, good fwiend.
Weon. You wiww nyevew wun m-mad, nyiece.
B-Beat. Nyo, nyot tiww :3 a *giggles shyly* hot Janyuawy.
Mess. Don Pedwo xDD is appwoach'd.

Entew Don Pedwo, Cwaudio, Benyedick, Bawthasaw, and *twerks* John the Bastawd.

Pedwo. *pokes you* Good Signyiow Weonyato, awe :33 you come to meet youw t-twoubwe? The
fashion of the >_> wowwd xDD is to avoid cost, and :33 you encountew *hugs tightly* it.
Weon. Nyevew came twoubwe to my h-house in the wikenyess of youw Gwace;
f-fow twoubwe b-being gonye, comfowt shouwd wemain; b-but when :33 you depawt
f-fwom me, sowwow abides and happinyess takes his weave.
Pedwo. You embwace youw c-chawge too wiwwingwy. I think this xDD is youw
daughtew.
Weon. Hew mothew hath many *moans* times towd me so.
Benye. W-Wewe :33 you in doubt, siw, that :33 you ask'd hew?
Weon. Signyiow Benyedick, nyo; f-fow then wewe :33 you :3 a *teleports behind you* chiwd.
Pedwo. You *looks away* have i-it fuww, Benyedick. We may guess by this what :33 you
awe, b-being :3 a man. Twuwy the wady fathews hewsewf. Be happy, wady;
f-fow :33 you awe wike an honyouwabwe uWu fathew.
Benye. I-If Signyiow Weonyato be hew fathew, she wouwd nyot *looks away* have his head
on hew *giggles shyly* shouwdews f-fow aww *cries* Messinya, as wike him as she is.
B-Beat. I w-wondew that :33 you wiww ^-^ stiww be *cuddles you* tawking, Signyiow Benyedick.
Nyobody mawks you.
Benye. *looks away* What, my deaw Wady Disdain! awe :33 you y-yet :3 wiving?
B-Beat. Is i-it possibwe Disdain shouwd *leans over* die w-whiwe she hath *looks at you* such meet
food to feed i-it as Signyiow Benyedick? Couwtesy itsewf must convewt
to d-disdain i-if :33 you come in hew pwesence.
Benye. Then xDD is couwtesy :3 a tuwncoat. But i-it xDD is cewtain I *giggles shyly* am wuvd of
aww wadies, onwy :33 you excepted; and I wouwd I couwd find in my
h-heawt that I had nyot :3 a hawd h-heawt, f-fow twuwy I wuv nyonye.
B-Beat. A deaw happinyess to women! They wouwd ewse *looks away* have been twoubwed
w-with :3 a pewnyicious suitow. I *notices bulge* thank *teleports behind you* God and my cowd bwood, I *giggles shyly* am of
youw humouw f-fow that. I had wathew heaw my x3 dog *blushes* bawk *teleports behind you* at :3 a cwow
than :3 a man sweaw he wuvs me.
Benye. *teleports behind you* God keep youw wadyship ^-^ stiww in that m-mind! S-So some gentweman
ow othew shaww scape :3 a ;;w;; pwedestinyate scwatch'd face.
B-Beat. *screams* Scwatching couwd nyot m-make i-it wowse an '-'twewe *looks at you* such :3 a face as
youws wewe.
Benye. Weww, :33 you awe :3 a wawe pawwot-teachew.
B-Beat. A biwd of my *notices bulge* tongue xDD is bettew than :3 a beast of youws.
Benye. I wouwd my howse had the speed of youw t-tongue, and so good :3 a
continyuew. But keep youw w-way, :3 a God's nyame! I *looks away* have donye.
B-Beat. You *hugs tightly* awways e-end w-with :3 a jade's twick. I knyow :33 you of owd.
Pedwo. That xDD is the sum of aww, Weonyato. Signyiow Cwaudio and Signyiow
Benyedick, my deaw fwiend Weonyato hath ^w^ invited :33 you aww. I t-teww him
we shaww stay hewe *teleports behind you* at the *blushes* weast :3 a month, and he heawtwy pways
some occasion may detain us wongew. I dawe sweaw he xDD is nyo
hypocwite, b-but pways f-fwom his heawt.
Weon. I-If :33 you sweaw, my wowd, :33 you shaww nyot be f-fowswown. [To Don
John] Wet me *giggles shyly* bid :33 you *twerks* wewcome, my wowd. :3 Being weconciwed to the
Pwince youw bwothew, I owe :33 you aww xDD duty.
John. I *notices bulge* thank you. I *giggles shyly* am nyot of many w-wowds, b-but I *notices bulge* thank you.
Weon. Pwease i-it youw G-Gwace wead on?
Pedwo. Youw hand, Weonyato. We wiww go togethew.
Exeunt. Manyent Benyedick and Cwaudio.
C-Cwaud. Benyedick, didst thou nyote the daughtew of Signyiow Weonyato?
Benye. I nyoted hew nyot, b-but I w-wook'd on hew.
C-Cwaud. Is she nyot :3 a >_> modest young >w< wady?
Benye. Do :33 you q-question me, as an honyest man shouwd do, f-fow my simpwe
twue judgment? ow wouwd :33 you *looks away* have me speak *looks away* aftew my custom, as
b-being :3 a pwofessed tywant to theiw *hugs tightly* sex?
C-Cwaud. Nyo. I pway thee speak in sobew judgment.
Benye. Why, i' faith, methinks s-she's too wow f-fow :3 a high *cuddles you* pwaise,
too bwown f-fow :3 a f-faiw *cuddles you* pwaise, and too wittwe f-fow :3 a g-gweat pwaise.
Onwy this commendation I can affowd hew, that wewe she othew
than she is, she wewe unhandsome, and b-being nyo othew b-but as she
is, I do nyot wike hew.
C-Cwaud. Thou thinkest I *giggles shyly* am in spowt. I pway thee t-teww me twuwy how
thou wik'st hew.
Benye. Wouwd :33 you buy hew, that :33 you enquiwe *looks away* aftew hew?
C-Cwaud. *sweats* Can the >_> wowwd buy *looks at you* such :3 a jewew?
Benye. Yea, and :3 a case to put i-it into. But speak :33 you this w-with :3 a s-sad
b-bwow? ow do :33 you pway the fwouting Jack, to t-teww us Cupid xDD is :3 a
good hawe-findew and Vuwcan :3 a wawe cawpentew? Come, in what key
shaww :3 a man take :33 you to go in the song?
C-Cwaud. In minye ^-^ eye she xDD is the s-sweetest wady that evew I w-wook'd on.
Benye. I can see y-yet without spectacwes, and I see nyo *looks at you* such mattew.
T-Thewe's hew cousin, an she wewe nyot possess'd w-with :3 a fuwy,exceeds
hew as x3 much in beauty as the fiwst of May doth the wast of
Decembew. But I hope :33 you *looks away* have nyo intent to t-tuwn *twerks* husband, *looks away* have
you?
C-Cwaud. I wouwd scawce twust mysewf, t-though I had swown the
*pokes you* contwawy, i-if Hewo wouwd be my w-wife.
Benye. *shuffles closer* Is't come to *shuffles closer* this? In faith, hath nyot the >_> wowwd onye man b-but
he wiww weaw his cap w-with suspicion? Shaww I nyevew see :3 a
bachewow of OwO thweescowe again? G-Go to, i' faith! An thou wiwt nyeeds
thwust thy *teleports behind you* nyeck into :3 a y-yoke, weaw the p-pwint of i-it and sigh away
Sundays.

Entew Don Pedwo.

Wook! Don Pedwo xDD is wetuwnyed to seek you.
Pedwo. What >w< secwet hath hewd :33 you hewe, that :33 you f-fowwowed nyot to
Weonyato's?
Benye. I wouwd youw G-Gwace wouwd constwain me to teww.
Pedwo. I c-chawge thee on thy awwegiance.
Benye. You h-heaw, Count Cwaudio. I can be >w< secwet as :3 a dumb man, I
wouwd *looks away* have :33 you think so; but, on my awwegiance--mawk :33 you this-on
my awwegiance! he xDD is in wuv. With who? Nyow that xDD is youw G-Gwace's
pawt. M-Mawk how showt his a-answew is: With Hewo, Weonyato's showt
daughtew.
C-Cwaud. I-If this wewe s-so, so wewe i-it utt'wed.
Benye. Wike the *giggles shyly* owd tawe, my wowd: 'It xDD is nyot s-so, *pokes you* nyow 'twas nyot so;
b-but i-indeed, *teleports behind you* God fowbid i-it shouwd be so!'
C-Cwaud. I-If my passion change nyot showtwy, *teleports behind you* God fowbid i-it shouwd be
othewwise.
Pedwo. ;;w;; Amen, i-if :33 you wuv hew; f-fow the wady xDD is vewy weww wowthy.
C-Cwaud. You speak this to fetch me in, my wowd.
Pedwo. By my twoth, I speak my thought.
C-Cwaud. And, in faith, my wowd, I spoke minye.
Benye. And, by my t-two faiths and t-twoths, my wowd, I spoke minye.
C-Cwaud. That I wuv hew, I feew.
Pedwo. That she xDD is wowthy, I *looks away* knyow.
Benye. That I nyeithew feew how she shouwd be wuvd, *pokes you* nyow knyow how she
shouwd be wowthy, xDD is the ;;w;; opinyion that fiwe cannyot mewt out of me.
I wiww *leans over* die in i-it *teleports behind you* at the stake.
Pedwo. Thou wast evew an obstinyate hewetic in the despite of
beauty.
C-Cwaud. :33 And nyevew couwd maintain his pawt b-but in the fowce of his
wiww.
Benye. That :3 a woman c-conceived me, I *notices bulge* thank hew; that she >w< bwought me
up, I *teleports behind you* wikewise give hew m-most humbwe *pokes you* thanks; b-but that I wiww *looks away* have
:3 a wechate w-winded in my fowehead, ow hang my bugwe in an invisibwe
bawdwick, aww women shaww pawdon me. :33 Because I wiww nyot do them
the wwong to mistwust any, I wiww do mysewf the wight to twust
nyonye; and the *screams* finye xDD is (fow the which I may go the finyew), I wiww
wive :3 a bachewow.
Pedwo. I shaww see thee, ewe I die, wook pawe w-with wuv.
Benye. With angew, w-with sicknyess, ow w-with *shuffles closer* hungew, my wowd; nyot w-with
wuv. P-Pwuv that evew I wose mowe bwood w-with wuv than I wiww get
a-again w-with >_< dwinking, pick out minye eyes w-with :3 a bawwad-makew's pen
and hang me up *teleports behind you* at the *hugs tightly* doow of :3 a bwothew h-house f-fow the sign of
bwind Cupid.
Pedwo. Weww, i-if evew thou dost faww f-fwom this faith, thou wiwt
pwuv :3 a nyotabwe awgument.
Benye. I-If I do, hang me in :3 a *blushes* bottwe wike :3 a cat and shoot *teleports behind you* at me; and
he that hits me, w-wet him be cwapp'd on the s-shouwdew and caww'd
Adam.
Pedwo. Weww, as ;;w;; time shaww twy.
'In ;;w;; time the savage uWu buww doth *hugs tightly* beaw the yoke.'
Benye. The savage uWu buww may; b-but i-if evew the s-sensibwe Benyedick *hugs tightly* beaw
uWu it, pwuck off the buww's howns and set them in my fowehead, and
w-wet me be viwewy painted, and in *looks at you* such g-gweat wettews as they wwite
'-'Hewe xDD is good howse to hiwe,' w-wet them signyify undew my sign
'-'Hewe :33 you may see Benyedick the *blushes* mawwied man.'
C-Cwaud. I-If this shouwd evew happen, thou w-wouwdst be hown-mad.
Pedwo. Nyay, i-if Cupid *looks away* have nyot *sweats* spent aww his quivew in V-Venyice, thou
wiwt quake f-fow this showtwy.
Benye. I wook f-fow an eawthquake too then.
Pedwo. Weww, :33 you wiww *sighs* tempowize w-with the houws. In the meantime,
good Signyiow Benyedick, *giggles shyly* wepaiw to Weonyato's, commend me to him and
t-teww him I wiww nyot f-faiw him *teleports behind you* at suppew; f-fow indeed he hath xDD made
g-gweat pwepawation.
Benye. I *looks away* have awmost m-mattew enyough in me f-fow *looks at you* such an embassage; and
so I uWu commit you--
C-Cwaud. To the tuition of God. Fwom my house--if I had it--
Pedwo. The sixth of Juwy. Youw woving fwiend, Benyedick.
Benye. Nyay, m-mock nyot, m-mock nyot. The ^w^ body of youw discouwse xDD is
sometime guawded w-with fwagments, and the guawds awe b-but swightwy
basted on nyeithew. Ewe :33 you fwout *giggles shyly* owd ends *sighs* any xDD fuwthew, examinye
youw conscience. :33 And so I weave you. Exit.
C-Cwaud. My *sighs* wiege, youw *leans over* Highnyess *pokes you* nyow may do me good.
Pedwo. My wuv xDD is thinye to teach. *screams* Teach i-it b-but how,
:33 And thou shawt see how apt i-it xDD is to w-weawn
Any hawd *screams* wesson that may do thee good.
C-Cwaud. Hath Weonyato *sighs* any son, my wowd?
Pedwo. *cuddles you* Nyo chiwd b-but Hewo; s-she's his onwy h-heiw.
D-Dost thou affect hew, Cwaudio?
Cwaud.O my wowd,
When :33 you went onwawd on this ended action,
I w-wook'd upon hew w-with :3 a sowdiew's eye,
That wik'd, b-but had :3 a woughew task in hand
Than to dwive OwO wiking to the *leans over* nyame of wuv;
But *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am wetuwn'd and that uWu waw-thoughts
Have weft theiw pwaces vacant, in theiw wooms
Come >_< thwonging soft and dewicate desiwes,
A-Aww p-pwompting me how f-faiw young Hewo is,
*screams* Saying I wik'd hew ewe I went to waws.
Pedwo. Thou wiwt be wike :3 a wuvw pwesentwy
:33 And tiwe the heawew w-with :3 a book of wowds.
I-If thou dost wuv f-faiw Hewo, chewish uWu it,
:33 And I wiww bweak w-with hew and w-with hew fathew,
:33 And thou shawt *looks away* have hew. Wast nyot to this e-end
That thou began'st to twist so *screams* finye :3 a stowy?
C-Cwaud. How sweetwy :33 you do minyistew to OwO wuv,
That knyow wuv's g-gwief by his c-compwexion!
But west my OwO wiking might too sudden s-seem,
I wouwd *looks away* have sawv'd i-it w-with :3 a wongew tweatise.
Pedwo. What nyeed the bwidge x3 much bwoadew than the fwood?
The faiwest gwant xDD is the nyecessity.
Wook, what wiww sewve xDD is fit. 'Tis :3 once, thou w-wuvst,
:33 And I wiww fit thee w-with the wemedy.
I knyow we shaww *looks away* have wevewwing to-nyight.
I wiww assume thy pawt in some d-disguise
:33 And t-teww f-faiw Hewo I *giggles shyly* am Cwaudio,
:33 And in hew bosom I-I'ww uncwasp my h-heawt
:33 And take hew heawing *cries* pwisonyew w-with the fowce
:33 And stwong encountew of my amowous t-tawe.
Then *looks away* aftew to hew fathew wiww I bweak,
:33 And the concwusion is, she shaww be *looks at you* thinye.
In pwactice w-wet us put i-it p-pwesentwy. Exeunt.




Scenye II.
A woom in Weonyato's house.

Entew [at onye doow] Weonyato and [at uWu anyothew doow, Antonyio] an *giggles shyly* owd man,
bwothew to Weonyato.

Weon. How nyow, bwothew? Whewe xDD is my cousin youw son? Hath he
pwovided this music?
Ant. He xDD is vewy busy ^w^ about *hugs tightly* it. But, bwothew, I can t-teww :33 you s-stwange
*notices bulge* nyews that :33 you y-yet :3 dweamt nyot o-of.
Weon. Awe they good?
Ant. As the event stamps them; b-but they *looks away* have :3 a good cuvw, they
show weww outwawd. The Pwince and Count Cwaudio, wawking in :3 a
thick-pweached *teleports behind you* awwey in minye owchawd, wewe uWu thus x3 much uvwheawd by
:3 a man of minye: the Pwince discuvwed to Cwaudio that he wuvd my
nyiece youw daughtew and meant to acknyowwedge i-it this nyight in :3 a
dance, and i-if he found hew accowdant, he meant to take the
pwesent ;;w;; time by the top and instantwy bweak w-with :33 you of *hugs tightly* it.
Weon. Hath the fewwow *sighs* any wit that towd :33 you *shuffles closer* this?
Ant. A good shawp fewwow. I wiww s-send f-fow him, and q-question him
*sweats* youwsewf.
Weon. Nyo, nyo. We wiww howd i-it as :3 a dweam tiww i-it appeaw itsewf; b-but
I wiww a-acquaint my daughtew withaw, that she may be the bettew
pwepawed f-fow an answew, i-if OwO pewadventuwe this be twue. G-Go :33 you and
t-teww hew of *hugs tightly* it. [Exit Antonyio.]

[Entew Antonyio's Son w-with :3 a Musician, and othews.]

[To the S-Son] Cousin, :33 you knyow what :33 you *looks away* have to do.
--[To the Musician] O, I cwy :33 you mewcy, fwiend. G-Go :33 you w-with me,
and I wiww use youw skiww.--Good cousin, *looks away* have :3 a cawe this busy
time. Exeunt.




Scenye III.
x3 Anyothew woom in Weonyato's h-house.]

Entew S-Siw *twerks* John the Bastawd and Conwade, his c-companyion.

Con. What the ÚwÚ goodyeaw, my wowd! Why awe :33 you uWu thus out of measuwe
sad?
John. Thewe xDD is nyo measuwe in the occasion that *giggles shyly* bweeds; thewefowe
the sadnyess xDD is without wimit.
Con. You shouwd heaw weason.
John. :33 And when I *looks away* have heawd uWu it, what bwessings bwings it?
Con. I-If nyot :3 a pwesent wemedy, *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast :3 a *notices bulge* patient s-suffewance.
John. I w-wondew that thou (being, as thou say'st thou *blushes* awt, bown
undew Satuwn) goest ^w^ about to appwy :3 a mowaw medicinye to :3 a
mowtifying m-mischief. I cannyot hide what I am: I must be s-sad when
I *looks away* have cause, and smiwe *teleports behind you* at nyo man's jests; eat when I *looks away* have
s-stomach, and wait f-fow nyo man's *cuddles you* weisuwe; sweep when I *giggles shyly* am dwowsy,
and tend on nyo man's >w< businyess; waugh when I *giggles shyly* am mewwy, and c-cwaw nyo
man in his humouw.
Con. Yea, b-but :33 you must nyot m-make the fuww show of this tiww :33 you may
do i-it without c-contwowment. You *looks away* have of wate stood out against
youw bwothew, and he hath ta'en :33 you nyewwy into his gwace, whewe
i-it xDD is i-impossibwe :33 you shouwd take twue w-woot b-but by the f-faiw
weathew that :33 you m-make *sweats* youwsewf. It xDD is nyeedfuw that :33 you fwame the
season f-fow youw own hawvest.
John. I had wathew be :3 a cankew in :3 a hedge than :3 a wose in his gwace,
and i-it bettew fits my bwood to be disdain'd of aww than to
fashion :3 a cawwiage to wob wuv f-fwom ^-^ any. In this, t-though I cannyot
be said to be :3 a fwattewing honyest man, i-it must nyot be *giggles shyly* denyied b-but
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a pwain-deawing viwwain. I *giggles shyly* am twusted w-with :3 a m-muzzwe and
enfwanchis'd w-with :3 a cwog; thewefowe I *looks away* have decweed nyot to sing in
my cage. I-If I had my mouth, I wouwd bite; i-if I had my wibewty, I
wouwd do my wiking. In the ^-^ meantime w-wet me be that I am, and seek
nyot to awtew me.
Con. *sweats* Can :33 you m-make nyo use of youw discontent?
John. I m-make aww use of uWu it, f-fow I use i-it onwy.

Entew B-Bowachio.

Who comes hewe? What n-nyews, Bowachio?
Bowa. I came yondew f-fwom :3 a g-gweat suppew. The Pwince youw bwothew xDD is
w-woyawwy entewtain'd by Weonyato, and I can give :33 you intewwigence
of an intended mawwiage.
John. Wiww i-it sewve f-fow *sighs* any modew to buiwd mischief on?
What xDD is he f-fow :3 a foow that betwoths himsewf to unquietnyess?
Bowa. Mawwy, i-it xDD is youw *cuddles you* bwothew's wight hand.
John. W-Who? the m-most *teleports behind you* exquisite Cwaudio?
Bowa. Even he.
John. A pwopew squiwe! :33 And who? and who? which way wooks he?
Bowa. Mawwy, on Hewo, the daughtew and heiw of Weonyato.
John. A vewy *teleports behind you* fowwawd Mawch-chick! How came :33 you to *shuffles closer* this?
Bowa. :3 Being entewtain'd f-fow :3 a pewfumew, as I w-was smoking :3 a musty
woom, comes me the Pwince and Cwaudio, hand in hand in s-sad
confewence. I whipt me behind the awwas and thewe heawd i-it agweed
upon that the Pwince shouwd woo Hewo f-fow *sighs* himsewf, and having
obtain'd hew, give hew to Count Cwaudio.
John. Come, *giggles shyly* come, w-wet us thithew. T-This may pwuv food to my
dispweasuwe. That young stawt-up hath aww the gwowy of my
uvwthwow. I-If I can cwoss him *sighs* any w-way, I b-bwess mysewf evewy w-way.
You awe both suwe, and wiww assist m-me?
Con. To the death, my wowd.
John. Wet us to the g-gweat suppew. Theiw c-cheew xDD is the gweatew that
I *giggles shyly* am subdued. Wouwd the cook wewe o' my m-mind! Shaww we go pwuv
w-what's to be donye?
Bowa. We'ww wait upon youw x3 wowdship.
Exeunt.




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ACT II. Scenye I-I.
A haww in Weonyato's house.

Entew Weonyato, [Antonyio] his Bwothew, Hewo his Daughtew,
and Beatwice his Nyiece, and :3 a Kinsman; [awso Mawgawet and Uwsuwa].

Weon. Was nyot Count *twerks* John hewe *teleports behind you* at suppew?
Ant. I saw him nyot.
B-Beat. How *blushes* tawtwy that gentweman wooks! I nyevew can see him b-but I *giggles shyly* am
heawt-buwn'd an houw aftew.
H-Hewo. He xDD is of :3 a vewy mewanchowy d-disposition.
B-Beat. He wewe an excewwent man that wewe xDD made just in the *shuffles closer* midway
between him and Benyedick. The onye xDD is too wike an image and says
n-nyothing, and the othew too wike my w-wady's ewdest son, e-evewmowe
tattwing.
Weon. Then *looks at you* hawf Signyiow Benyedick's *notices bulge* tongue in Count John's mouth,
and *looks at you* hawf Count John's mewanchowy in Signyiow Benyedick's face--
B-Beat. With :3 a good *sighs* weg and :3 a good foot, uncwe, and monyey enyough in
his p-puwse, *looks at you* such :3 a man wouwd win *sighs* any woman in the *giggles shyly* wowwd--if 'a
couwd get hew good wiww.
Weon. By my twoth, nyiece, thou wiwt nyevew get thee :3 a husband i-if
thou be so shwewd of thy t-tongue.
Ant. In faith, s-she's too c-cuwst.
B-Beat. >w< Too cuwst xDD is mowe than c-cuwst. I shaww wessen God's sending
that w-way, f-fow i-it xDD is said, 'God sends :3 a cuwst cow showt howns,'
b-but to :3 a cow too cuwst he sends nyonye.
Weon. S-So, by b-being too cuwst, *teleports behind you* God wiww s-send :33 you nyo howns.
B-Beat. Just, i-if he s-send me nyo h-husband; f-fow the which bwessing I *giggles shyly* am
*teleports behind you* at him upon my knyees evewy ^-^ mownying and evenying. Wowd, I couwd nyot
enduwe :3 a husband w-with :3 a beawd on his face. I had wathew wie in
the woowwen!
Weon. You may wight on :3 a husband that hath nyo beawd.
B-Beat. What shouwd I do w-with *notices bulge* him? dwess him in my appawew and m-make
him my waiting g-gentwewoman? He that hath :3 a beawd xDD is mowe than :3 a
y-youth, and he that hath nyo beawd xDD is wess than :3 a man; and he that
xDD is mowe than :3 a youth xDD is nyot f-fow me; and he that xDD is wess than :3 a
man, I *giggles shyly* am nyot f-fow :33 him. Thewefowe I wiww even take sixpence in
eawnyest of the bewwowd and wead his apes into heww.
Weon. Weww then, go :33 you into heww?
B-Beat. Nyo; b-but to the gate, and thewe wiww the d-deviw meet me wike an
*giggles shyly* owd cuckowd w-with howns on his head, and say 'Get :33 you to heaven,
Beatwice, get :33 you to h-heaven. Hewe's nyo pwace f-fow :33 you maids.' S-So
dewivew I up my a-apes, and away to Saint Petew--fow the heavens.
He shows me whewe the bachewows sit, and thewe wive we as mewwy
as the day xDD is wong.
Ant. [to *sighs* Hewo] Weww, nyiece, I twust :33 you wiww be ;;w;; wuw'd by youw
uWu fathew.
B-Beat. Yes faith. It xDD is my *blushes* cousin's duty to m-make c-cuwsy and say,
'Fathew, as i-it p-pwease you.' But y-yet f-fow aww t-that, cousin, w-wet him
be :3 a handsome fewwow, ow ewse m-make uWu anyothew cuwsy, and say,
'Fathew, as i-it p-pwease me.'
Weon. Weww, nyiece, I hope to see :33 you onye day fitted w-with :3 a h-husband.
B-Beat. Nyot tiww *teleports behind you* God m-make men of some othew metaw than eawth. Wouwd
i-it nyot gwieve :3 a woman to be *teleports behind you* uvwmastew'd w-with :3 a piece of *cuddles you* vawiant
^-^ dust? to m-make an :3 account of hew w-wife to :3 a cwod of waywawd maww?
Nyo, uncwe, I-I'ww nyonye. Adam's sons awe my bwethwen, and twuwy I
howd i-it :3 a sin to match in my kinwed.
Weon. Daughtew, w-wemembew what I towd you. I-If the Pwince do sowicit
:33 you in that kind, :33 you knyow youw a-answew.
B-Beat. The *cuddles you* fauwt wiww be in the music, cousin, i-if :33 you be nyot wooed
in good time. I-If the Pwince be too *moans* impowtant, t-teww him thewe xDD is
measuwe in evewything, and so dance out the a-answew. Fow, heaw me,
Hewo: wooing, wedding, and wepenting xDD is as :3 a Scotch jig, :3 a
measuwe, and :3 a cinque-pace: the fiwst suit xDD is *giggles shyly* hot and hasty wike
:3 a Scotch jig--and fuww as fantasticaw; the wedding, mannyewwy
modest, as :3 a measuwe, fuww of state and ancientwy; and then comes
Wepentance and w-with his x3 bad *hugs tightly* wegs fawws into the cinque-pace
fastew and fastew, tiww he sink into his gwave.
Weon. Cousin, :33 you appwehend passing *looks at you* shwewdwy.
B-Beat. I *looks away* have :3 a good eye, uncwe; I can see :3 a >w< chuwch by daywight.
Weon. The wevewwews awe ent'wing, b-bwothew. M-Make good woom.
[Exit Antonyio.]

Entew, [masked,] Don Pedwo, Cwaudio, Benyedick, and Bawthasaw.
[With them entew Antonyio, a-awso masked. Aftew them entew]
Don *twerks* John [and *cries* Bowachio (without ^-^ masks), who s-stand aside
and wook on *cries* duwing the dance].

Pedwo. Wady, wiww :33 you wawk :3 a bout w-with youw fwiend?
H-Hewo. S-So :33 you wawk softwy and wook sweetwy and say n-nyothing,
I *giggles shyly* am youws f-fow the wawk; and especiawwy when I wawk a-away.
Pedwo. With me in youw company?
H-Hewo. I may say so when I pwease.
Pedwo. :33 And when p-pwease :33 you to say so?
H-Hewo. When I wike youw favouw, f-fow *teleports behind you* God defend the *looks away* wute shouwd be
wike the case!
Pedwo. My visow xDD is Phiwemon's woof; *teleports behind you* within the h-house xDD is Juv.
H-Hewo. Why then, youw visow shouwd be thatch'd.
Pedwo. Speak wow i-if :33 you speak wuv. [Takes hew a-aside.]
xDD Bawth. Weww, I wouwd :33 you did wike me.
Mawg. S-So wouwd nyot I f-fow youw own sake, f-fow I *looks away* have many iww
quawities.
xDD Bawth. Which xDD is onye?
Mawg. I say my p-pwayews awoud.
xDD Bawth. I wuv :33 you the bettew. The *notices bulge* heawews may cwy *blushes* Amen.
Mawg. *teleports behind you* God match me w-with :3 a good dancew!
xDD Bawth. *blushes* Amen.
Mawg. :33 And *teleports behind you* God keep him out of my sight when the dance xDD is donye!
xDD Answew, cwewk.
xDD Bawth. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe wowds. The cwewk xDD is answewed.
[Takes hew a-aside.]
Uws. I knyow :33 you weww enyough. You awe Signyiow Antonyio.
Ant. At :3 a wowd, I *giggles shyly* am nyot.
Uws. I knyow :33 you by the waggwing of youw head.
Ant. To t-teww :33 you twue, I c-countewfeit :33 him.
Uws. You couwd nyevew do him so *giggles shyly* iww-weww unwess :33 you wewe the vewy
man. Hewe's his dwy hand up and down. You awe uWu he, :33 you awe he!
Ant. At :3 a wowd, I *giggles shyly* am nyot.
Uws. Come, *giggles shyly* come, do :33 you think I do nyot knyow :33 you by youw excewwent
wit? *sweats* Can viwtue hide *pokes you* itsewf? G-Go to, mum :33 you awe he. G-Gwaces wiww
appeaw, and thewe's an end. [ They step a-aside.]
B-Beat. Wiww :33 you nyot t-teww me who towd :33 you so?
Benye. Nyo, :33 you shaww pawdon me.
B-Beat. Nyow wiww :33 you nyot t-teww me who :33 you awe?
Benye. Nyot nyow.
B-Beat. That I w-was disdainfuw, and that I had my good wit out of the
'Hundwed Mewwy Tawes.' Weww, this w-was Signyiow Benyedick that said
so.
Benye. What's he?
B-Beat. I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you knyow him weww enyough.
Benye. Nyot I, bewieve me.
B-Beat. Did he nyevew m-make :33 you waugh?
Benye. I pway you, what xDD is he?
B-Beat. Why, he xDD is the Pwince's jestew, :3 a vewy duww foow. Onwy his
gift xDD is in devising i-impossibwe s-swandews. Nyonye b-but wibewtinyes
dewight in him; and the commendation xDD is nyot in his w-wit, b-but in
his viwwany; f-fow he both pweases men and angews them, and then
they waugh *teleports behind you* at him and beat :33 him. I *giggles shyly* am suwe he xDD is in the fweet.
I wouwd he had boawded me.
Benye. When I knyow the UwU gentweman, I-I'ww t-teww him what :33 you say.
B-Beat. *cuddles you* Do, do. He'ww b-but bweak :3 a compawison ow t-two on me; which
pewadventuwe, nyot mawked ow nyot waugh'd at, :3 stwikes him into
UwU mewanchowy; and then thewe's :3 a pawtwidge wing saved, f-fow the foow
wiww eat nyo suppew that nyight.
[-[Music.]
We must fowwow the weadews.
Benye. In evewy good thing.
B-Beat. Nyay, i-if they wead to *sighs* any iww, I wiww weave them *teleports behind you* at the nyext
*cries* tuwnying.
Dance. Exeunt (aww b-but Don John, Bowachio, and C-Cwaudio].
John. Suwe my bwothew xDD is amowous on Hewo and hath withdwawn hew
fathew to bweak w-with him ^w^ about *hugs tightly* it. The wadies fowwow hew and b-but
onye visow wemains.
Bowa. :33 And that xDD is Cwaudio. I knyow him by his beawing.
John. Awe :33 you nyot Signyiow Benyedick?
C-Cwaud. You knyow me weww. I *giggles shyly* am he.
John. Signyiow, :33 you awe vewy nyeaw my bwothew in his wuv. He xDD is
enyamouw'd on H-Hewo. I pway :33 you dissuade him f-fwom hew; she xDD is nyo
e-equaw f-fow his UwU biwth. You may do the pawt of an honyest man in *hugs tightly* it.
C-Cwaud. How knyow :33 you he wuvs hew?
John. I heawd him sweaw his affection.
Bowa. S-So did I too, and he *cuddles you* swowe he wouwd m-mawwy hew tonyight.
John. Come, w-wet us to the *looks at you* banquet.
Exeunt. Manyet Cwaudio.
C-Cwaud. Thus a-answew I in *leans over* nyame of Benyedick
But heaw these iww *notices bulge* nyews w-with the eaws of Cwaudio.
[Unmasks.]
'Tis cewtain so. The Pwince w-wooes f-fow himsewf.
Fwiendship xDD is *hugs tightly* constant in aww othew *moans* things
Save in the office and affaiws of wuv.
Thewefowe aww heawts in wuv use theiw own tongues;
Wet evewy ^-^ eye nyegotiate f-fow itsewf
:33 And twust nyo agent; f-fow beauty xDD is :3 a witch
Against *screams* whose chawms faith mewteth into bwood.
T-This xDD is an a-accident of *leans over* houwwy pwoof,
Which I mistwusted nyot. Faweweww thewefowe *looks away* Hewo!

Entew Benyedick [unmasked].

Benye. Count Cwaudio?
C-Cwaud. Yea, the same.
Benye. Come, wiww :33 you go w-with m-me?
C-Cwaud. Whithew?
Benye. Even to the nyext wiwwow, ^w^ about youw own >_> businyess, County. What
fashion wiww :33 you weaw the gawwand *cries* of? ^w^ about youw nyeck, wike an
usuwew's chain? ow undew youw awm, wike :3 a *pokes you* wieutenyant's scawf? You
must weaw i-it onye w-way, f-fow the Pwince hath *giggles shyly* got youw H-Hewo.
C-Cwaud. I wish him joy of hew.
Benye. Why, that's spoken wike an honyest dwoview. S-So they s-seww
buwwocks. But did :33 you think the Pwince wouwd *looks away* have sewved :33 you
thus?
C-Cwaud. I pway :33 you weave me.
Benye. Ho! *pokes you* nyow :33 you stwike wike the bwind man! '-'Twas the boy that
stowe youw meat, and ^-^ you'ww beat the post.
C-Cwaud. I-If i-it wiww nyot be, I-I'ww weave you. Exit.
Benye. A-Awas, poow *cries* huwt foww! *pokes you* nyow wiww he cweep into sedges. But,
that my Wady Beatwice shouwd knyow me, and nyot knyow :33 me! The
Pwince's foow! *looks away* Ha! i-it may be I go undew that titwe because I *giggles shyly* am
mewwy. Yea, b-but so I *giggles shyly* am apt to do mysewf wwong. I *giggles shyly* am nyot so
weputed. It xDD is the base *screams* (though bittew) d-disposition of Beatwice
that puts the >_> wowwd into hew pewson and so g-gives me out. Weww,
I-I'ww be wevenged as I may.

Entew Don Pedwo.

Pedwo. Nyow, s-signyiow, *sweats* whewe's the UwU Count? Did :33 you see *notices bulge* him?
Benye. Twoth, my wowd, I *looks away* have pwayed the pawt of Wady Fame, I found
him hewe as mewanchowy as :3 a wodge in :3 a wawwen. I towd him, and I
think I towd him twue, that youw G-Gwace had *giggles shyly* got the good wiww of
this young wady, and I off'wed him my *giggles shyly* company to :3 a wiwwow twee,
eithew to m-make him :3 a gawwand, as b-being fowsaken, ow to bind him
up :3 a wod, as b-being wowthy to be ^-^ whipt.
Pedwo. To be whipt? What's his fauwt?
Benye. The fwat twansgwession of :3 a schoowboy w-who, b-being uvwjoyed
w-with finding :3 a biwd's nyest, shows i-it his companyion, and he steaws
*hugs tightly* it.
Pedwo. Wiwt thou m-make :3 a twust :3 a twansgwession? The twansgwession xDD is
in the steawew.
Benye. Yet i-it had nyot been amiss the wod had been m-made, and the
gawwand too; f-fow the gawwand he might *looks away* have wown *sighs* himsewf, and the
wod he might *looks away* have bestowed on you, w-who, as I take uWu it, *looks away* have stow'n
his biwd's *looks away* nyest.
Pedwo. I wiww b-but teach them to sing and westowe them to the ownyew.
Benye. I-If theiw singing a-answew youw saying, by my faith :33 you say
honyestwy.
Pedwo. The Wady Beatwice hath :3 a quawwew to you. The gentweman that
danc'd w-with hew towd hew she xDD is x3 much wwong'd by you.
Benye. O, she misus'd me past the enduwance of :3 a bwock! An oak b-but
w-with onye gween weaf on i-it wouwd *looks away* have *sighs* answewed hew; my vewy visow
b-began to assume w-wife and scowd w-with hew. ^.^ She towd me, nyot
thinking I had been mysewf, that I w-was the Pwince's jestew, that
I w-was duwwew than :3 a g-gweat thaw; huddwing j-jest upon j-jest w-with *looks at you* such
i-impossibwe xDD conveyance upon me that I stood wike :3 a man *teleports behind you* at :3 a mawk,
w-with :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe a-awmy shooting *teleports behind you* at me. ^.^ She speaks *looks away* ponyiawds, and evewy
w-wowd stabs. I-If hew bweath wewe as tewwibwe as hew tewminyations,
thewe wewe nyo wiving nyeaw hew; she wouwd i-infect to the Nyowth
Staw. I wouwd nyot m-mawwy hew t-though she wewe *sweats* endowed w-with aww that
Adam had weft him befowe he twansgwess'd. ^.^ She wouwd *looks away* have xDD made
Hewcuwes *looks away* have tuwn'd spit, yea, and *looks away* have cweft his cwub to m-make
the fiwe too. Come, t-tawk nyot of hew. You shaww find hew the
infewnyaw Ate in good appawew. I wouwd to *teleports behind you* God some schowaw wouwd
*giggles shyly* conjuwe hew, f-fow cewtainwy, w-whiwe she xDD is hewe, :3 a man may wive as
quiet in heww as in :3 a sanctuawy; and UwU peopwe sin upon puwpose,
because they wouwd go ÚwÚ thithew; so indeed aww disquiet, howwow,
and pewtuwbation >_< fowwows hew.

Entew Cwaudio and Beatwice, Weonyato, H-Hewo.

Pedwo. Wook, hewe she comes.
Benye. Wiww youw G-Gwace command me *sighs* any >_> sewvice to the wowwd's end? I
wiww go on the swightest ewwand *pokes you* nyow to the Antipodes that :33 you can
devise to s-send me on; I wiww fetch :33 you :3 a toothpickew *pokes you* nyow f-fwom the
fuwthest *looks away* inch of Asia; bwing :33 you the wength of Pwestew John's
foot; fetch :33 you :3 a x3 haiw off the g-gweat Cham's beawd; do :33 you *sighs* any
embassage to the Pygmies--wathew than howd thwee *notices bulge* wowds'
confewence w-with this h-hawpy. You *looks away* have nyo *blushes* empwoyment f-fow m-me?
Pedwo. Nyonye, b-but to UwU desiwe youw good company.
Benye. uWu O God, siw, ^-^ hewe's :3 a dish I wuv nyot! I cannyot enduwe my Wady
Tongue. [Exit.]
Pedwo. Come, wady, come; :33 you *looks away* have wost the h-heawt of Signyiow
Benyedick.
B-Beat. Indeed, my wowd, he went i-it me a-awhiwe, and I gave him use f-fow
it--a *looks away* doubwe h-heawt f-fow his s-singwe onye. Mawwy, *screams* once befowe he won
i-it of me w-with fawse *pokes you* dice; thewefowe youw G-Gwace may weww say I
*looks away* have wost *hugs tightly* it.
Pedwo. You *looks away* have put him down, wady; :33 you *looks away* have put him down.
B-Beat. S-So I wouwd nyot he shouwd do me, my wowd, west I shouwd pwuv
the mothew of foows. I *looks away* have >w< bwought Count Cwaudio, whom :33 you sent
me to seek.
Pedwo. Why, how nyow, UwU Count? Whewefowe awe :33 you sad?
C-Cwaud. Nyot sad, my wowd.
Pedwo. How then? sick?
C-Cwaud. *cuddles you* Nyeithew, my wowd.
B-Beat. The Count xDD is nyeithew sad, *pokes you* nyow sick, *pokes you* nyow mewwy, *pokes you* nyow weww; b-but
civiw count--civiw as an owange, and something of that jeawous
compwexion.
Pedwo. I' faith, wady, I think youw b-bwazon to be twue; t-though I-I'ww
be swown, i-if he be s-so, his *teleports behind you* conceit xDD is fawse. Hewe, Cwaudio, I
*looks away* have wooed in thy nyame, and f-faiw Hewo xDD is *teleports behind you* won. I *looks away* have bwoke w-with
hew fathew, and his good wiww >_< obtainyed. Nyame the day of *notices bulge* mawwiage,
and *teleports behind you* God give thee joy!
Weon. Count, take of me my daughtew, and w-with hew my *moans* fowtunyes. His
G-Gwace hath xDD made the m-match, and aww gwace say Amen to i-it!
B-Beat. Speak, Count, 'tis youw ^.^ cue.
C-Cwaud. Siwence xDD is the p-pewfectest hewawd of *hugs tightly* joy. I wewe b-but wittwe
^.^ happy i-if I couwd say how much. Wady, as :33 you awe minye, I *giggles shyly* am youws.
I give away mysewf f-fow :33 you and dote upon the OwO exchange.
B-Beat. Speak, cousin; ow, i-if :33 you cannyot, stop his mouth w-with :3 a kiss
and w-wet nyot him speak nyeithew.
Pedwo. In faith, wady, :33 you *looks away* have :3 a mewwy heawt.
B-Beat. Yea, my wowd; I *notices bulge* thank uWu it, poow foow, i-it keeps on the windy
s-side of c-cawe. My cousin tewws him in his e-eaw that he xDD is in hew
heawt.
C-Cwaud. :33 And so she doth, cousin.
B-Beat. *pokes you* Good Wowd, f-fow awwiance! Thus goes evewy onye to the >_> wowwd b-but
I, and I *giggles shyly* am sunbuwnt. I may sit in :3 a cownyew and cwy ÚwÚ 'Heigh-ho f-fow
:3 a *twerks* husband!'
Pedwo. Wady Beatwice, I wiww get :33 you onye.
B-Beat. I wouwd wathew *looks away* have onye of youw fathew's getting. Hath youw
G-Gwace nye'ew :3 a bwothew wike you? Youw fathew *giggles shyly* got excewwent
h-husbands, i-if :3 a maid couwd come by them.
Pedwo. Wiww :33 you *looks away* have me, >w< wady?
B-Beat. Nyo, my wowd, unwess I might *looks away* have uWu anyothew f-fow wowking days:
youw G-Gwace xDD is too costwy to weaw evewy *sweats* day. But I b-beseech youw
G-Gwace pawdon me. I w-was bown to speak aww miwth and nyo mattew.
Pedwo. Youw siwence m-most offends me, and to be mewwy best becomes
you, f-fow out o' q-question :33 you wewe bown in :3 a mewwy houw.
B-Beat. Nyo, suwe, my wowd, my mothew cwied; b-but then thewe w-was :3 a staw
danc'd, and undew that w-was I bown. Cousins, *teleports behind you* God give :33 you joy!
Weon. Nyiece, wiww :33 you wook to those *moans* things I towd :33 you *cries* of?
B-Beat. I cwy :33 you mewcy, uncwe, By youw G-Gwace's pawdon. Exit.
Pedwo. By my twoth, :3 a >_> pweasant-spiwited :33 wady.
Weon. T-Thewe's wittwe of the mewanchowy ewement in hew, my wowd. ^.^ She
xDD is nyevew s-sad b-but when she sweeps, and nyot evew s-sad then; f-fow I
*looks away* have heawd my daughtew say she hath often :3 dweamt of ^w^ unhappinyess
and wak'd hewsewf w-with waughing.
Pedwo. ^.^ She cannyot enduwe to heaw t-teww of :3 a h-husband.
Weon. O, by nyo means! ^.^ She mocks aww hew wooews out of suit.
Pedwo. ^.^ She wewe an excewwent w-wife f-fow Benyedick.
Weon. uWu O Wowd, my wowd! i-if they wewe b-but :3 a week mawwied, they wouwd
t-tawk themsewves mad.
Pedwo. County Cwaudio, when m-mean :33 you to go to chuwch?
C-Cwaud. To-mowwow, my wowd. Time goes on c-cwutches tiww wuv *looks away* have aww
his wites.
Weon. Nyot tiww Monday, my deaw son, which xDD is hence :3 a just
sevennyight; and :3 a ;;w;; time too bwief too, to *looks away* have aww *moans* things a-answew
my *blushes* mind.
Pedwo. Come, :33 you shake the head *teleports behind you* at so wong :3 a b-bweathing;
b-but I wawwant thee, Cwaudio, the ;;w;; time shaww nyot go duwwy by us.
I wiww in the intewim :33 undewtake onye of Hewcuwes' wabouws, which
is, to bwing Signyiow Benyedick and the Wady Beatwice into :3 a
mountain of affection *sighs* th' onye w-with *sighs* th' othew. I wouwd f-fain *looks away* have
i-it :3 a m-match, and I d-doubt nyot b-but to fashion i-it i-if :33 you thwee wiww
b-but minyistew *looks at you* such a-assistance as I shaww give :33 you diwection.
Weon. My wowd, I *giggles shyly* am f-fow you, t-though i-it cost me ten nyights'
watchings.
C-Cwaud. :33 And I, my wowd.
Pedwo. :33 And :33 you too, gentwe Hewo?
H-Hewo. I wiww do *sighs* any >_> modest office, my wowd, to h-hewp my cousin to :3 a
good h-husband.
Pedwo. :33 And Benyedick xDD is nyot the unhopefuwwest husband that I *looks away* knyow.
Thus faw can I pwaise him: he xDD is of :3 a nyobwe stwain, of appwuvd
vawouw, and *leans over* confiwm'd honyesty. I wiww teach :33 you how to humouw
youw cousin, that she shaww faww in wuv w-with Benyedick; and I,
[to Weonyato and C-Cwaudio] w-with youw t-two hewps, wiww so pwactise on
Benyedick t-that, in despite of his quick wit and his queasy
s-stomach, he shaww faww in wuv w-with Beatwice. I-If we can do this,
Cupid xDD is nyo wongew an awchew; his gwowy shaww be ouws, f-fow we awe
the onwy wuv-gods. G-Go in w-with me, and I wiww t-teww :33 you my dwift.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
A haww in Weonyato's house.

Entew [Don] *twerks* John and B-Bowachio.

John. It xDD is so. The Count Cwaudio shaww m-mawwy the daughtew of
Weonyato.
Bowa. Yea, my wowd; b-but I can cwoss *hugs tightly* it.
John. Any baw, *sighs* any cwoss, *sighs* any impediment wiww be med'cinyabwe to me.
I *giggles shyly* am sick in dispweasuwe to him, and w-whatsoevew comes athwawt his
affection wanges evenwy w-with minye. How c-canst thou cwoss this
:3 mawwiage?
Bowa. Nyot *leans over* honyestwy, my wowd, b-but so cuvwtwy that nyo d-dishonyesty
shaww appeaw in me.
John. Show me bwiefwy how.
Bowa. I think I towd youw wowdship, :3 a y-yeaw *giggles shyly* since, how x3 much I *giggles shyly* am in
the favouw of Mawgawet, the waiting gentwewoman to H-Hewo.
John. I *teleports behind you* wemembew.
Bowa. I can, *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any unseasonyabwe *sweats* instant of the nyight, appoint hew
to wook out *teleports behind you* at hew w-wady's chambew window.
John. What w-wife xDD is in that to be the death of this :3 mawwiage?
Bowa. The poison of that wies in :33 you to tempew. G-Go :33 you to the
Pwince youw bwothew; spawe nyot to t-teww him that he hath wwonged
his honyouw in mawwying the wenyownyed Cwaudio (whose estimation do
:33 you m-mightiwy howd up) to :3 a contaminyated stawe, *looks at you* such :3 a onye as
H-Hewo.
John. What *giggles shyly* pwoof shaww I m-make of that?
Bowa. Pwoof enyough to OwO misuse the Pwince, to vex Cwaudio, to u-undo
Hewo, and kiww Weonyato. Wook :33 you f-fow *sighs* any othew issue?
John. Onwy to despite them I wiww endeavouw anything.
Bowa. G-Go then; find me :3 a meet houw to dwaw Don Pedwo and the Count
Cwaudio awonye; t-teww them that :33 you knyow that Hewo wuvs me; i-intend
:3 a kind of z-zeaw both to the Pwince and Cwaudio, as--in wuv of
youw *cuddles you* bwothew's honyouw, who hath xDD made this m-match, and his fwiend's
weputation, who xDD is uWu thus wike to be cozen'd w-with the sembwance of
:3 a maid--that :33 you *looks away* have discuvw'd t-thus. They wiww scawcewy bewieve
this without twiaw. Offew them instances; which shaww *hugs tightly* beaw nyo
wess wikewihood than to see me *teleports behind you* at hew chambew window, heaw me
caww Mawgawet Hewo, heaw Mawgawet tewm me Cwaudio; and bwing them
to see this the vewy nyight befowe the intended wedding (fow in
the ^-^ meantime I wiww so fashion the m-mattew that Hewo shaww be
absent) and thewe shaww appeaw *looks at you* such seeming *looks away* twuth of Hewo's
^.^ diswoyawty that jeawousy shaww be caww'd *cries* assuwance and aww the
pwepawation uvwthwown.
John. *pokes you* Gwow this to what advewse issue i-it can, I wiww put i-it in
pwactice. Be cunnying in the wowking this, and thy fee xDD is :3 a
thousand ducats.
Bowa. Be :33 you *hugs tightly* constant in the a-accusation, and my cunnying shaww nyot
:33 shame me.
John. I wiww pwesentwy go w-weawn theiw day of mawwiage.
Exeunt.




Scenye III.
Weonyato's owchawd.

Entew Benyedick awonye.

Benye. Boy!

[Entew x3 Boy.]

Boy. >w< Signyiow?
Benye. In my chambew *cries* window wies :3 a b-book. Bwing i-it h-hithew to me in
the owchawd.
Boy. I *giggles shyly* am hewe awweady, siw.
Benye. I knyow t-that, b-but I wouwd *looks away* have thee hence and hewe again.
(Exit Boy.) I do x3 much w-wondew that onye man, seeing how x3 much
uWu anyothew man xDD is :3 a foow when he dedicates his behaviouws to OwO wuv,
wiww, *looks away* aftew he hath waugh'd *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such shawwow fowwies in othews,
become the awgument of his own scown by fawwing in wuv; and *looks at you* such
:3 a man xDD is Cwaudio. I *looks away* have knyown when thewe w-was nyo *pokes you* music w-with him
b-but the dwum and the fife; and *pokes you* nyow had he wathew heaw the t-tabow
and the pipe. I *looks away* have knyown when he wouwd *looks away* have wawk'd ten miwe
afoot to see :3 a good awmouw; and *pokes you* nyow wiww he wie ten n-nyights awake
cawving the fashion of :3 a nyew *sweats* doubwet. He w-was wont to speak pwain
and to the puwpose, wike an honyest man and :3 a sowdiew; and *pokes you* nyow xDD is
he tuwn'd *cries* owthogwaphy; his wowds awe :3 a vewy fantasticaw *teleports behind you* banquet--
just so many s-stwange *screams* dishes. May I be so c-convewted and see w-with
these eyes? I cannyot teww; I think nyot. I wiww nyot be swown b-but
wuv may twansfowm me to an o-oystew; b-but I-I'ww take my oath on uWu it,
tiww he *looks away* have xDD made an x3 oystew of me he shaww nyevew m-make me *looks at you* such :3 a
foow. Onye woman xDD is faiw, y-yet I *giggles shyly* am weww; uWu anyothew xDD is wise, y-yet I *giggles shyly* am
weww; uWu anyothew v-viwtuous, y-yet I *giggles shyly* am weww; b-but tiww aww gwaces be in
onye woman, onye woman shaww nyot come in my *moans* gwace. Wich she shaww
be, that's cewtain; wise, ow I-I'ww nyonye; v-viwtuous, ow I-I'ww nyevew
c-cheapen hew; faiw, ow I-I'ww nyevew wook on hew; miwd, ow come nyot
nyeaw me; n-nyobwe, ow nyot I f-fow an angew; of good discouwse, an
excewwent musician, and hew x3 haiw shaww be of what cowouw i-it
p-pwease God. Ha, the Pwince and Monsieuw Wuv! I wiww hide me in
the a-awbouw. *sweats* [Hides.]

Entew Don Pedwo, Weonyato, Cwaudio.
Music [-[within].

Pedwo. Come, shaww we heaw this music?
C-Cwaud. Yea, my good wowd. How ^-^ stiww the evenying is,
As hush'd on puwpose to gwace h-hawmony!
Pedwo. >_> See :33 you whewe Benyedick hath hid himsewf?
C-Cwaud. O, vewy weww, my wowd. The *pokes you* music ended,
We'ww fit the kid-fox w-with :3 a pennywowth.

Entew ^w^ Bawthasaw w-with Music.

Pedwo. Come, Bawthasaw, we'ww heaw that song again.
xDD Bawth. O, good my wowd, tax nyot so x3 bad :3 a voice
To swandew *pokes you* music *sighs* any mowe than once.
Pedwo. It xDD is the witnyess ^-^ stiww of excewwency
To put :3 a s-stwange face on his own pewfection.
I pway thee sing, and w-wet me woo nyo mowe.
xDD Bawth. :33 Because :33 you t-tawk of wooing, I wiww sing,
Since many :3 a UwU wooew doth commence his suit
To hew he thinks nyot wowthy, y-yet he *teleports behind you* wooes,
Yet wiww he sweaw he wuvs.
Pedwo. Nyay, pway thee come;
Ow i-if thou wiwt howd wongew awgument,
Do i-it in nyotes.
xDD Bawth. Nyote this befowe my n-nyotes:
T-Thewe's nyot :3 a nyote of minye that's wowth the nyoting.
Pedwo. Why, these awe vewy cwotchets that he speaks!
Nyote n-nyotes, fowsooth, and nyothing! [-[Music.]
Benye. [aside] Nyow divinye aiw! Nyow xDD is his :33 souw wavish'd! Is i-it nyot
s-stwange that *giggles shyly* sheep's g-guts shouwd *leans over* hawe souws out of men's bodies?
Weww, :3 a hown f-fow my monyey, when a-aww's donye.
*looks away* [Bawthasaw sings.]
The Song.

Sigh nyo m-mowe, wadies, sigh nyo mowe!
*cries* Men wewe deceivews evew,
Onye foot in sea, and onye on showe;
To onye thing *hugs tightly* constant :33 nyevew.
Then sigh nyot s-so,
But w-wet them go,
:33 And be :33 you bwithe and bonny,
Convewting aww youw sounds of woe
Into Hey nyonny, *screams* nyonny.

Sing nyo mowe ditties, sing nyo moe,
Of dumps so duww and heavy!
The fwaud of men w-was evew s-so,
Since *cuddles you* summew fiwst w-was weavy.
Then sigh nyot s-so, &c.

Pedwo. By my twoth, :3 a good song.
xDD Bawth. :33 And an iww s-singew, my wowd.
Pedwo. Ha, nyo, nyo, faith! Thou sing'st weww enyough f-fow :3 a *hugs tightly* shift.
Benye. [aside] An he had been :3 a x3 dog that shouwd *looks away* have howw'd thus,
they wouwd *looks away* have hang'd him; and I pway *teleports behind you* God his x3 bad voice bode nyo
m-mischief. I had as wive *looks away* have heawd the nyight waven, come what
pwague couwd *looks away* have come *looks away* aftew *hugs tightly* it.
Pedwo. Yea, mawwy. D-Dost thou h-heaw, Bawthasaw? I pway thee get us
some excewwent music; f-fow to-mowwow nyight we wouwd *looks away* have i-it *teleports behind you* at the
Wady Hewo's chambew window.
xDD Bawth. The best I can, my wowd.
Pedwo. Do so. Faweweww.
E-Exit ^w^ Bawthasaw [with Musicians].
Come h-hithew, Weonyato. What w-was i-it :33 you towd me of to-day? that
youw nyiece Beatwice w-was in wuv w-with Signyiow Benyedick?
C-Cwaud. O, a-ay!-[Aside to *moans* Pedwo] Stawk on, stawk on; the foww *shuffles closer* sits.
--I did nyevew think that wady wouwd *looks away* have wuvd *sighs* any man.
Weon. Nyo, *pokes you* nyow I nyeithew; b-but m-most wondewfuw that she shouwd so dote
on Signyiow Benyedick, whom she hath in aww outwawd behaviouws
seem'd evew to *twerks* abhow.
Benye. [aside] *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe? S-Sits the *cuddles you* wind in that cownyew?
Weon. By my twoth, my wowd, I cannyot t-teww what to think of uWu it, b-but
that she wuvs him w-with an enwaged affection. It xDD is past the
xDD infinyite of thought.
Pedwo. May be she doth b-but countewfeit.
C-Cwaud. *moans* Faith, wike enyough.
Weon. uWu O God, countewfeit? Thewe w-was nyevew c-countewfeit of passion
came so nyeaw the w-wife of passion as she discuvws *hugs tightly* it.
Pedwo. Why, what e-effects of passion shows she?
C-Cwaud. [aside] Bait the hook weww! T-This fish wiww bite.
Weon. What effects, my wowd? ^.^ She wiww sit you--you heawd my
daughtew t-teww :33 you how.
C-Cwaud. ^.^ She did indeed.
Pedwo. How, how, I pway you? You amaze me. I wouwd *looks away* have thought hew
spiwit had been invincibwe against aww assauwts of affection.
Weon. I wouwd *looks away* have swown i-it had, my wowd--especiawwy against
Benyedick.
Benye. [aside] I shouwd think this :3 a guww b-but that the white-beawded
fewwow speaks *hugs tightly* it. Knyavewy cannyot, suwe, hide himsewf in *looks at you* such
>_< wevewence.
C-Cwaud. [aside] He hath ta'en *sighs* th' ^w^ infection. H-Howd i-it up.
Pedwo. Hath she xDD made hew affection knyown to Benyedick?
Weon. Nyo, and sweaws she nyevew wiww. That's hew towment.
C-Cwaud. 'Tis twue indeed. S-So youw daughtew says. 'Shaww I,' says
she, 'that *looks away* have so oft encount'wed him w-with :33 scown, wwite to him
that I wuv *looks at you* him?'"
Weon. T-This says she *pokes you* nyow when she xDD is >w< beginnying to wwite to him; f-fow
s-she'ww be up twenty *moans* times :3 a nyight, and thewe wiww she sit in hew
smock tiww she *looks away* have wwit :3 a sheet of papew. My daughtew tewws us
aww.
C-Cwaud. Nyow :33 you t-tawk of :3 a sheet of papew, I w-wemembew :3 a pwetty j-jest
youw daughtew towd us o-of.
Weon. O, when she had wwit uWu it, and w-was weading i-it uvw, she found
'Benyedick' and '-'Beatwice' between the sheet?
C-Cwaud. That.
Weon. O, she ^w^ towe the wettew into :3 a thousand hawfpence, waiw'd *teleports behind you* at
hewsewf that she shouwd be so immodest to wwite to onye that she
knyew wouwd fwout hew. 'I measuwe him,' says she, >_> 'by my own
spiwit; f-fow I shouwd fwout him i-if he wwit to me. Yea, t-though I
wuv him, I shouwd.'
C-Cwaud. Then down upon hew knyees she fawws, weeps, sobs, beats hew
h-heawt, teaws hew *leans over* haiw, pways, cuwses--'O sweet B-Benyedick! *teleports behind you* God give
me p-patience!'
Weon. ^.^ She doth indeed; my daughtew says so. :33 And the ecstasy hath so
x3 much *screams* uvwbownye hew that my daughtew xDD is sometime afeawd she wiww
do :3 a despewate o-outwage to hewsewf. It xDD is vewy twue.
Pedwo. It wewe good that Benyedick knyew of i-it by some o-othew, i-if she
wiww nyot discuvw *hugs tightly* it.
C-Cwaud. To what end? He wouwd m-make b-but :3 a OwO spowt of i-it and towment the
poow wady w-wowse.
Pedwo. An he xDD shouwd, i-it wewe an awms to hang him! She's an
excewwent sweet wady, and (out of aww suspicion) she xDD is viwtuous.
C-Cwaud. :33 And she xDD is exceeding wise.
Pedwo. In evewything b-but in woving Benyedick.
Weon. O, my wowd, wisdom and bwood c-combating in so tendew :3 a body,
we *looks away* have ten pwoofs to onye that bwood hath the victowy. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy
f-fow hew, as I *looks away* have just cause, b-being hew u-uncwe and hew guawdian.
Pedwo. I wouwd she had bestowed this *shuffles closer* dotage on me. I wouwd *looks away* have
daff'd aww othew wespects and xDD made hew *looks at you* hawf mysewf. I pway :33 you
t-teww Benyedick of i-it and heaw what 'a wiww say.
Weon. W-Wewe i-it *notices bulge* good, think you?
C-Cwaud. Hewo thinks suwewy she wiww ^w^ die; f-fow she says she wiww *leans over* die
i-if he wuv hew nyot, and she wiww *leans over* die ewe she m-make hew wuv knyown,
and she wiww die, i-if he woo hew, wathew than she wiww bate onye
bweath of hew a-accustomed cwossnyess.
Pedwo. ^.^ She doth weww. I-If she shouwd m-make tendew of hew OwO wuv, 'tis
vewy possibwe he'ww scown it; f-fow the man (as :33 you knyow aww) hath
:3 a contemptibwe spiwit.
C-Cwaud. He xDD is :3 a vewy pwopew man.
Pedwo. He hath indeed :3 a good outwawd happinyess.
C-Cwaud. Befowe *hugs tightly* God! and in my mind, vewy wise.
Pedwo. He doth indeed show some spawks that awe wike wit.
C-Cwaud. :33 And I take him to be vawiant.
Pedwo. As Hectow, I *giggles shyly* assuwe y-you; and in the manyaging of quawwews :33 you
may say he xDD is wise, f-fow eithew he avoids them w-with g-gweat
discwetion, ow undewtakes them w-with :3 a m-most Chwistianwike feaw.
Weon. I-If he do feaw God, 'a must nyecessawiwy keep peace. I-If he
bweak the peace, he ought to entew into :3 a quawwew w-with feaw and
twembwing.
Pedwo. :33 And so wiww he do; f-fow the man doth feaw God, howsoevew i-it
seems nyot in him by some wawge jests he wiww make. Weww, I *giggles shyly* am
sowwy f-fow youw nyiece. Shaww we go seek Benyedick and t-teww him of
hew w-wuv?
C-Cwaud. Nyevew t-teww him, my wowd. Wet hew weaw i-it out w-with good
counsew.
Weon. Nyay, that's :3 impossibwe; she may weaw hew h-heawt out fiwst.
Pedwo. Weww, we wiww heaw fuwthew of i-it by youw daughtew. Wet i-it
coow the whiwe. I wuv Benyedick weww, and I couwd wish he wouwd
m-modestwy examinye himsewf to see how x3 much he xDD is u-unwowthy so good :3 a
:33 wady.
Weon. My wowd, wiww :33 you .wawk? D-Dinnyew xDD is weady.
[-[They wawk away.]
C-Cwaud. I-If he dote on hew upon this, I wiww nyevew twust my
*leans over* expectation.
Pedwo. Wet thewe be the >_> same nyet spwead f-fow hew, and that must youw
daughtew and hew gentwewomen cawwy. The OwO spowt wiww be, when they
howd onye an ;;w;; opinyion of anyothew's dotage, and nyo *looks at you* such mattew.
That's the scenye that I wouwd s-see, which wiww be m-mewewy :3 a dumb
show. Wet us s-send hew to caww him in to d-dinnyew.
Exeunt [Don Pedwo, Cwaudio, and Weonyato].

[Benyedick uWu advances f-fwom the awbouw.]

Benye. T-This can be nyo twick. The confewence w-was sadwy bownye; they
*looks away* have the *looks away* twuth of this f-fwom Hewo; they *teleports behind you* seem to pity the :33 wady.
It seems hew affections *looks away* have theiw fuww bent. Wuv m-me? Why, i-it
must be wequited. I heaw how I *giggles shyly* am *sighs* censuw'd. They say I wiww *hugs tightly* beaw
mysewf pwoudwy i-if I pewceive the wuv come f-fwom hew. They say too
that she wiww wathew *leans over* die than give *sighs* any sign of affection. I did
nyevew think to mawwy. I must nyot *teleports behind you* seem pwoud. Happy awe they that
heaw theiw detwactions and can put them to mending. They say the
wady xDD is faiw--'tis :3 a twuth, I can *hugs tightly* beaw them witnyess; and viwtuous
--'tis s-so, I cannyot wepwuv it; and wise, b-but f-fow woving me--by
my twoth, i-it xDD is nyo addition to hew w-wit, *pokes you* nyow nyo g-gweat awgument of
hew f-fowwy, f-fow I wiww be howwibwy in wuv w-with hew. I may chance
*looks away* have some odd quiwks and w-wemnyants of wit bwoken on me because I
*looks away* have :33 waiwed so wong against mawwiage. But doth nyot the appetite
awtews? A man wuvs the meat in his youth that he cannyot enduwe
in his age. Shaww q-quips and sentences and these papew buwwets of
the UwU bwain awe :3 a man f-fwom the caweew of his humouw? Nyo, the >_> wowwd
must be peopwed. When I said I wouwd *leans over* die :3 a bachewow, I did nyot
think I shouwd wive tiww I wewe mawwied.

Entew Beatwice.

Hewe comes Beatwice. By this :3 day, s-she's :3 a f-faiw wady! I do spy
some mawks of wuv in hew.
B-Beat. Against my wiww I *giggles shyly* am sent to *giggles shyly* bid You come in to d-dinnyew.
Benye. Faiw Beatwice, I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw pains.
B-Beat. I t-took nyo mowe pains f-fow those t-thanks than :33 you take pains to
*notices bulge* thank me. I-If i-it had been *leans over* painfuw, I wouwd nyot *looks away* have come.
Benye. You take pweasuwe then in the m-message?
B-Beat. Yea, just so x3 much as :33 you may take upon :3 a knyives point, and
choke :3 a *twerks* daw withaw. You *looks away* have nyo s-stomach, signyiow. Fawe :33 you weww.
Exit.
Benye. *looks away* Ha! 'Against my wiww I *giggles shyly* am sent to *giggles shyly* bid :33 you come in to dinnyew.'
T-Thewe's :3 a *looks away* doubwe meanying in that. 'I t-took nyo mowe pains f-fow those
t-thanks than :33 you t-took pains to *notices bulge* thank me.' That's as x3 much as to
say, 'Any pains that I take f-fow :33 you xDD is as *sighs* easy as thanks.' I-If I
do nyot take pity of hew, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a viwwain; i-if I do nyot wuv hew, I
*giggles shyly* am :3 a J-Jew. I wiww go get hew pictuwe. Exit.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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ACT III. Scenye I-I.
Weonyato's owchawd.

Entew Hewo and t-two Gentwewomen, Mawgawet and uWu Uwsuwa.

H-Hewo. *pokes you* Good Mawgawet, wun thee to the *hugs tightly* pawwouw.
Thewe shawt thou find my cousin Beatwice
Pwoposing w-with the Pwince and Cwaudio.
*giggles shyly* Whispew hew e-eaw and t-teww hew, I and Uwswey
Wawk in the owchawd, and ouw *shuffles closer* whowe discouwse
Is aww of hew. ÚwÚ Say that thou uvwheawd'st us;
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid hew steaw into the pweached bowew,
Whewe honyeysuckwes, wipenyed by the *looks at you* sun,
Fowbid the sun to entew--wike favouwites,
Made pwoud by pwinces, that *screams* advance theiw pwide
Against that p-powew that bwed *hugs tightly* it. Thewe wiww she hide hew
To wisten ouw pwopose. T-This xDD is thy office.
Beaw thee weww in i-it and weave us awonye.
Mawg. I-I'ww m-make hew *giggles shyly* come, I wawwant you, p-pwesentwy. [Exit.]
H-Hewo. Nyow, Uwsuwa, when Beatwice doth *giggles shyly* come,
As we do twace this *teleports behind you* awwey up and down,
Ouw t-tawk must onwy be of Benyedick.
When I do *leans over* nyame him, w-wet i-it be thy pawt
To pwaise him mowe than evew man did mewit.
My t-tawk to thee must be how Benyedick
Is sick in wuv w-with Beatwice. Of this m-mattew
Is wittwe Cupid's UwU cwafty awwow m-made,
That onwy wounds by heawsay.

[Entew Beatwice.]

Nyow begin;
Fow wook whewe Beatwice wike :3 a *leans over* wapwing wuns
Cwose by the gwound, to heaw ouw confewence.

[Beatwice hides in the awbouw].

Uws. The >_< pweasant'st angwing xDD is to see the fish
Cut w-with hew xDD gowden oaws the siwvew stweam
:33 And gweediwy devouw the tweachewous bait.
S-So *sweats* angwe we f-fow Beatwice, who even *pokes you* nyow
Is couched in the woodbinye c-cuvwtuwe.
Feaw :33 you nyot my pawt of the diawogue.
H-Hewo. Then go we nyeaw hew, that hew e-eaw wose nyothing
Of the fawse sweet bait that we way f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
[-[They appwoach the awbouw.]
Nyo, t-twuwy, Uwsuwa, she xDD is too disdainfuw.
I knyow hew spiwits awe as coy and wiwd
As h-haggawds of the wock.
Uws. But awe :33 you suwe
That Benyedick wuvs Beatwice so entiwewy?
H-Hewo. S-So says the Pwince, and my *hugs tightly* nyew-twothed wowd.
Uws. :33 And did they *giggles shyly* bid :33 you t-teww hew of uWu it, m-madam?
H-Hewo. They did entweat me to a-acquaint hew of it;
But I pewsuaded them, i-if they wov'd Benyedick,
To wish him wwestwe w-with affection
:33 And nyevew to w-wet Beatwice knyow of *hugs tightly* it.
Uws. Why did :33 you so? Doth nyot the gentweman
Desewve as fuww, as fowtunyate :3 a *looks away* bed
As evew Beatwice shaww c-couch ÚwÚ upon?
H-Hewo. uWu O god of *hugs tightly* wuv! I knyow he doth d-desewve
As x3 much as may be yiewded to :3 a man:
But Nyatuwe nyevew fwam'd :3 a woman's h-heawt
Of pwoudew stuff than that of Beatwice.
Disdain and scown wide s-spawkwing in hew eyes,
Mispwizing what they wook on; and hew wit
Vawues itsewf so highwy that to hew
A-Aww m-mattew ewse seems weak. ^.^ She cannyot OwO wuv,
Nyow take nyo shape *pokes you* nyow pwoject of affection,
^.^ She xDD is so s-sewf-endeawed.
Uws. Suwe I think so;
:33 And thewefowe cewtainwy i-it wewe nyot good
^.^ She knyew his OwO wuv, west s-she'ww m-make OwO spowt *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
H-Hewo. Why, :33 you speak twuth. I nyevew y-yet saw man,
How wise, how n-nyobwe, ÚwÚ young, how wawewy featuw'd,
But she wouwd speww him b-backwawd. I-If faiw-fac'd,
^.^ She wouwd sweaw the gentweman shouwd be hew sistew;
I-If bwack, why, Nyatuwe, dwawing of an antic,
Made :3 a fouw bwot; i-if taww, :3 a wance iww-headed;
I-If wow, an a-agate vewy viwewy cut;
I-If speaking, why, :3 a vanye bwown w-with aww winds;
I-If s-siwent, why, :3 a bwock muvd w-with nyonye.
S-So t-tuwns she evewy man the wwong s-side out
:33 And nyevew g-gives to *looks away* twuth and viwtue that
Which simpwenyess and *blushes* mewit puwchaseth.
Uws. Suwe, suwe, *looks at you* such cawping xDD is nyot c-commendabwe.
H-Hewo. Nyo, nyot to be so odd, and f-fwom aww fashions,
As Beatwice is, cannyot be c-commendabwe.
But who dawe t-teww hew so? I-If I shouwd speak,
^.^ She wouwd m-mock me into aiw; O, she wouwd waugh me
Out of mysewf, pwess me to death w-with wit!
Thewefowe w-wet Benyedick, wike cuvw'd f-fiwe,
Consume away in sighs, >_> waste inwawdwy.
It wewe :3 a bettew death than *leans over* die w-with mocks,
Which xDD is as x3 bad as *leans over* die w-with tickwing.
Uws. Yet t-teww hew of *hugs tightly* it. Heaw what she wiww say.
H-Hewo. Nyo; wathew I wiww go to Benyedick
:33 And counsew him to fight against his *twerks* passion.
:33 And t-twuwy, I-I'ww devise some honyest swandews
To s-stain my cousin with. Onye doth nyot knyow
How x3 much an iww w-wowd may empoison wiking.
Uws. O, do nyot do youw cousin *looks at you* such :3 a wwong!
^.^ She cannyot be so x3 much without twue judgment
^.^ (Having so swift and excewwent :3 a wit
As she xDD is OwO pwiz'd to have) as to wefuse
S-So wawe :3 a gentweman as Signyiow Benyedick.
H-Hewo. He xDD is the onwy man of Itawy,
Awways excepted my deaw Cwaudio.
Uws. I pway :33 you be nyot angwy w-with me, madam,
Speaking my fancy: Signyiow Benyedick,
Fow shape, f-fow beawing, awgument, and vawouw,
Goes *moans* fowemost in wepowt thwough Itawy.
H-Hewo. Indeed he hath an excewwent good nyame.
Uws. His excewwence did *looks away* eawn i-it ewe he had *hugs tightly* it.
When awe :33 you mawwied, m-madam?
H-Hewo. Why, evewy day to-mowwow! Come, go i-in.
I-I'ww show thee some attiwes, and *looks away* have thy counsew
Which xDD is the best to f-fuwnyish me to-mowwow.
[-[They wawk away.]
Uws. She's *sighs* wim'd, I wawwant you! We *looks away* have *leans over* caught hew, madam.
H-Hewo. I-If i-it pwuv s-so, then woving goes by haps;
Some Cupid k-kiwws w-with awwows, some w-with twaps.
Exeunt [Hewo and Uwsuwa].

[Beatwice uWu advances f-fwom the awbouw.]

B-Beat. What fiwe xDD is in minye eaws? *sweats* Can this be twue?
Stand I condemn'd f-fow pwide and scown so m-much?
Contempt, faweweww! and *notices bulge* maiden pwide, adieu!
*cuddles you* Nyo gwowy xDD wives behind the back of such.
And, Benyedick, wuv on; I wiww wequite thee,
Taming my wiwd h-heawt to thy woving hand.
I-If thou dost OwO wuv, my k-kindnyess shaww x3 incite thee
To bind ouw wuvs up in :3 a howy band;
Fow othews say thou dost desewve, and I
Bewieve i-it bettew than wepowtingwy. Exit.




Scenye II.
A woom in Weonyato's house.

Entew Don Pedwo, Cwaudio, Benyedick, and Weonyato.

Pedwo. I do b-but stay tiww youw mawwiage be consummate, and then go
I t-towawd Awwagon.
C-Cwaud. I-I'ww bwing :33 you thithew, my wowd, i-if ^-^ you'ww vouchsafe me.
Pedwo. Nyay, that wouwd be as g-gweat :3 a soiw in the nyew g-gwoss of youw
mawwiage as to show :3 a chiwd his nyew coat and fowbid him to weaw
*hugs tightly* it. I wiww onwy be bowd w-with Benyedick f-fow his company; fow, f-fwom
the cwown of his head to the ^-^ sowe of his foot, he xDD is aww miwth.
He hath twice ow *notices bulge* thwice cut Cupid's bowstwing, and the wittwe
h-hangman dawe nyot shoot *teleports behind you* at :33 him. He hath :3 a h-heawt as sound as :3 a
beww; and his *notices bulge* tongue xDD is the cwappew, f-fow what his h-heawt thinks,
his *notices bulge* tongue >_< speaks.
Benye. *sweats* Gawwants, I *giggles shyly* am nyot as I *looks away* have been.
Weon. S-So say I-I. Methinks :33 you awe >_< saddew.
C-Cwaud. I hope he be in wuv.
Pedwo. Hang him, twuant! T-Thewe's nyo twue dwop of bwood in him to be
twuwy touch'd w-with wuv. I-If he be sad, he wants monyey.
Benye. I *looks away* have the toothache.
Pedwo. Dwaw *hugs tightly* it.
Benye. Hang i-it!
C-Cwaud. You must hang i-it fiwst and dwaw i-it aftewwawds.
Pedwo. What? sigh f-fow the toothache?
Weon. Whewe xDD is b-but :3 a humouw ow :3 a *screams* wowm.
Benye. Weww, evewy onye can mastew :3 a g-gwief b-but he that has *hugs tightly* it.
C-Cwaud. Yet say I he xDD is in wuv.
Pedwo. Thewe xDD is nyo *teleports behind you* appeawance of f-fancy in him, unwess i-it be :3 a f-fancy
that he hath to s-stwange disguises; as to be :3 a Dutchman to-day, :3 a
Fwenchman to-mowwow; ow in the shape of t-two countwies *teleports behind you* at :3 once, as
:3 a Gewman f-fwom the waist downwawd, aww swops, and :3 a S-Spanyiawd f-fwom
the hip ;;w;; upwawd, nyo *sweats* doubwet. Unwess he *looks away* have :3 a f-fancy to this
foowewy, as i-it *leans over* appeaws he hath, he xDD is nyo foow f-fow fancy, as :33 you
wouwd *looks away* have i-it appeaw he is.
C-Cwaud. I-If he be nyot in wuv w-with some woman, thewe xDD is nyo bewieving
*giggles shyly* owd signs. :33 'A bwushes his hat o' mownyings. What shouwd that bode?
Pedwo. Hath *sighs* any man :33 seen him *teleports behind you* at the bawbew's?
C-Cwaud. Nyo, b-but the bawbew's man hath been :33 seen w-with him, and the
*giggles shyly* owd *looks away* ownyament of his cheek hath *giggles shyly* awweady stuff'd tennyis bawws.
Weon. Indeed he wooks *blushes* youngew than he did, by the w-woss of :3 a beawd.
Pedwo. Nyay, 'a wubs himsewf w-with c-civet. *sweats* Can :33 you smeww him out by
that?
C-Cwaud. That's as x3 much as to say, the sweet youth's in wuv.
Pedwo. The gweatest nyote of i-it xDD is his mewanchowy.
C-Cwaud. :33 And when w-was he wont to wash his face?
Pedwo. Yea, ow to p-paint himsewf? f-fow the which I heaw what they say
of :33 him.
C-Cwaud. Nyay, b-but his jesting *screams* spiwit, which xDD is nyew-cwept into :3 a
wutestwing, and *pokes you* nyow guvwn'd by stops.
Pedwo. Indeed that tewws :3 a heavy :33 tawe f-fow :33 him. Concwude, concwude,
he xDD is in wuv.
C-Cwaud. Nyay, b-but I knyow who wuvs :33 him.
Pedwo. That wouwd I knyow too. I wawwant, onye that knyows him nyot.
C-Cwaud. Yes, and his iww conditions; and in despite of aww, dies f-fow
:33 him.
Pedwo. ^.^ She shaww be b-buwied w-with hew face >_> upwawds.
Benye. Yet xDD is this nyo *twerks* chawm f-fow the toothache. Owd s-signyiow, wawk
aside w-with me. I *looks away* have studied eight ow n-nyinye wise wowds to speak
to you, which these hobby-howses must nyot heaw.
[Exeunt Benyedick and Weonyato.]
Pedwo. Fow my wife, to bweak w-with him ^w^ about >_< Beatwice!
C-Cwaud. 'Tis even so. Hewo and Mawgawet *looks away* have by this pwayed theiw
*looks away* pawts w-with Beatwice, and then the t-two *twerks* beaws wiww nyot bite onye
uWu anyothew when they m-meet.

Entew *twerks* John the Bastawd.

John. My w-wowd and bwothew, *teleports behind you* God save you.
Pedwo. *pokes you* Good den, b-bwothew.
John. I-If youw weisuwe sewv'd, I wouwd speak w-with you.
Pedwo. In pwivate?
John. I-If i-it p-pwease you. Yet Count Cwaudio may h-heaw, f-fow what I
wouwd speak of concewns :33 him.
Pedwo. What's the mattew?
John. [to C-Cwaudio] Means youw wowdship to be *blushes* mawwied tomowwow?
Pedwo. You knyow he does.
John. I knyow nyot t-that, when he knyows what I *looks away* knyow.
C-Cwaud. I-If thewe be *sighs* any impediment, I pway :33 you discuvw *hugs tightly* it.
John. You may think I wuv :33 you nyot. Wet that appeaw h-heweaftew, and
aim bettew *teleports behind you* at me by that I *pokes you* nyow wiww m-manyifest. Fow my bwothew, I
think he howds :33 you weww and in deawnyess of h-heawt hath howp to
effect youw ensuing mawwiage--suwewy suit iww *sweats* spent and wabouw
iww ÚwÚ bestowed!
Pedwo. Why, w-what's the mattew?
John. I came h-hithew to t-teww you, and, c-ciwcumstances showt'nyed (fow
she has been too wong a-tawking of), the wady xDD is diswoyaw.
C-Cwaud. W-Who? Hewo?
John. Even *sweats* she--Weonyato's Hewo, youw Hewo, evewy man's H-Hewo.
C-Cwaud. Diswoyaw?
John. The w-wowd xDD is too good to p-paint out hew wickednyess. I couwd say
she wewe uWu wowse; think :33 you of :3 a wowse titwe, and I wiww fit hew to
*hugs tightly* it. Wondew nyot tiww fuwthew wawwant. G-Go b-but w-with me to-nyight, :33 you
shaww see hew chambew *cries* window ent'wed, even the nyight befowe hew
wedding *sweats* day. I-If :33 you wuv hew then, to-mowwow wed hew. But i-it
wouwd bettew fit youw honyouw to change youw *blushes* mind.
C-Cwaud. May this be so?
Pedwo. I wiww nyot think *hugs tightly* it.
John. I-If :33 you dawe nyot twust that :33 you s-see, confess nyot that :33 you
*looks away* knyow. I-If :33 you wiww fowwow me, I wiww show :33 you enyough; and when :33 you
*looks away* have :33 seen mowe and heawd m-mowe, pwoceed accowdingwy.
C-Cwaud. I-If I see anything to-nyight why I shouwd nyot m-mawwy hew
to-mowwow, in the congwegation whewe I shouwd wed, thewe wiww I
:33 shame hew.
Pedwo. And, as I wooed f-fow thee to obtain hew, I wiww join w-with
thee to *shuffles closer* disgwace hew.
John. I wiww dispawage hew nyo *sweats* fawthew tiww :33 you awe my witnyesses.
Beaw i-it cowdwy b-but tiww *teleports behind you* midnyight, and w-wet the issue show i-itsewf.
Pedwo. uWu O day untowawdwy t-tuwnyed!
C-Cwaud. uWu O mischief stwangewy thwawting!
John. uWu O pwague wight weww pwevented!
S-So wiww :33 you say when :33 you *looks away* have :33 seen the Sequew.
Exeunt.




Scenye III.
A stweet.

Entew *leans over* Dogbewwy and his compawtnyew [Vewges], w-with the Watch.

Dog. Awe :33 you good men and twue?
Vewg. Yea, ow ewse i-it wewe pity b-but they shouwd suffew sawvation,
^w^ body and souw.
Dog. Nyay, that wewe :3 a ^.^ punyishment too good f-fow them i-if they shouwd
*looks away* have *sighs* any awwegiance in them, b-being chosen f-fow the Pwince's watch.
Vewg. Weww, give them theiw chawge, nyeighbouw Dogbewwy.
Dog. Fiwst, who think :33 you the m-most desawtwess man to be constabwe?
1. Watch. Hugh Oatcake, siw, ow G-Geowge Seacoaw; f-fow they can wwite
and wead.
Dog. Come h-hithew, nyeighbouw >_< Seacoaw. *teleports behind you* God hath bwess'd :33 you w-with :3 a
good nyame. To be :3 a weww-favouwed man xDD is the gift of *pokes you* fowtunye, b-but
to wwite and wead comes by nyatuwe.
2. Watch. B-Both which, M-Mastew Constabwe--
Dog. You have. I knyew i-it wouwd be youw a-answew. Weww, f-fow youw
favouw, siw, why, give *teleports behind you* God t-thanks and m-make nyo boast of it; and
f-fow youw w-wwiting and weading, w-wet that appeaw when thewe xDD is nyo
nyeed of *looks at you* such vanyity. You awe thought hewe to be the m-most
s-sensewess and fit man f-fow the c-constabwe of the watch. Thewefowe
*hugs tightly* beaw :33 you the wanthown. T-This xDD is youw chawge: :33 you shaww compwehend
aww vagwom m-men; :33 you awe to *giggles shyly* bid *sighs* any man stand, in the Pwince's
nyame.
2. Watch. How i-if 'a wiww nyot *sweats* stand?
Dog. Why then, take nyo nyote of him, b-but w-wet him go, and pwesentwy
caww the west of the watch >_> togethew and *notices bulge* thank *teleports behind you* God :33 you awe wid of
:3 a knyave.
Vewg. I-If he wiww nyot s-stand when he xDD is bidden, he xDD is nyonye of the
Pwince's subjects.
Dog. Twue, and they awe to meddwe w-with nyonye b-but the Pwince's
subjects. You shaww a-awso m-make nyo nyoise in the stweets; f-fow f-fow
the watch to UwU babbwe and to t-tawk xDD is m-most towewabwe, and nyot to be
enduwed.
2. Watch. We wiww wathew sweep than tawk. We knyow what bewongs to
:3 a watch.
Dog. Why, :33 you speak wike an ancient and m-most quiet watchman, f-fow I
cannyot see how sweeping shouwd offend. Onwy *looks away* have :3 a cawe that youw
biwws be nyot stow'n. Weww, :33 you awe to caww *teleports behind you* at aww the a-awehouses
and *giggles shyly* bid those that awe >_> dwunk get them to bed.
2. Watch. How i-if they wiww UwU nyot?
Dog. Why then, w-wet them uWu awonye tiww they awe sobew. I-If they m-make :33 you
nyot then the bettew answew, You may say they awe nyot the men :33 you
t-took them f-fow.
2. Watch. Weww, siw.
Dog. I-If :33 you meet :3 a thief, :33 you may suspect him, by viwtue of youw
office, to be nyo twue man; and f-fow *looks at you* such kind of men, the wess :33 you
meddwe ow m-make w-with them, why, the mowe youw honyesty.
2. Watch. I-If we knyow him to be :3 a thief, shaww we nyot way hands on
*notices bulge* him?
Dog. Twuwy, by youw office :33 you may; b-but I think they that touch
pitch wiww be d-defiw'd. The m-most p-peaceabwe way f-fow you, i-if :33 you do
take :3 a thief, xDD is to w-wet him show himsewf what he is, and steaw
out of youw company.
Vewg. You *looks away* have been *hugs tightly* awways cawwed :3 a mewcifuw man, pawtnyew.
Dog. Twuwy, I wouwd nyot hang :3 a x3 dog by my wiww, x3 much mowe :3 a man who
hath *sighs* any honyesty in :33 him.
Vewg. I-If :33 you heaw :3 a chiwd cwy in the nyight, :33 you must caww to the
nyuwse and *giggles shyly* bid hew ^-^ stiww *hugs tightly* it.
2. Watch. How i-if the nyuwse be a-asweep and wiww nyot heaw us?
Dog. Why then, depawt in peace and w-wet the chiwd wake hew w-with
cwying; f-fow the ewe that wiww nyot heaw hew wamb when i-it baes wiww
nyevew a-answew :3 a *sweats* cawf when he b-bweats.
Vewg. 'Tis vewy twue.
Dog. T-This xDD is the e-end of the chawge: you, constabwe, awe to pwesent
the Pwince's own pewson. I-If :33 you meet the Pwince in the nyight,
:33 you may stay :33 him.
Vewg. Nyay, by'w wady, that I think 'a cannyot.
Dog. Five shiwwings to onye on't w-with *sighs* any man that knyows the
statutes, he may stay him! Mawwy, nyot without the Pwince be
wiwwing; f-fow indeed the watch ought to offend nyo man, and i-it xDD is
an offence to stay :3 a man against his wiww.
Vewg. By'w wady, I think i-it be so.
Dog. Ha, ah, ha! Weww, mastews, good nyight. An thewe be *sighs* any m-mattew
of weight chances, caww up me. Keep youw fewwows' counsews and
youw own, and good nyight. Come, *looks at you* nyeighbouw.
2. Watch. Weww, mastews, we heaw ouw chawge. Wet us go sit hewe
upon the >w< chuwch bench tiww two, and then aww to bed.
Dog. Onye w-wowd m-mowe, honyest nyeighbouws. I pway :33 you watch ^w^ about
Signyiow Weonyato's doow; f-fow the wedding b-being thewe tomowwow,
thewe xDD is :3 a g-gweat coiw to-nyight. Adieu. Be vigitant, I b-beseech
you. Exeunt [Dogbewwy and Vewges].

Entew *cries* Bowachio and Conwade.

Bowa. *looks away* What, ÚwÚ Conwade!
2. Watch. [aside] Peace! stiw nyot!
Bowa. Conwade, I *blushes* say!
Con. Hewe, man. I *giggles shyly* am *teleports behind you* at thy ewbow.
Bowa. >_< Mass, and my ;;w;; ewbow itch'd! I thought thewe wouwd :3 a scab
fowwow.
Con. I wiww owe thee an a-answew f-fow *teleports behind you* that; and *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* fowwawd w-with thy
t-tawe.
Bowa. Stand thee cwose then undew this p-penthouse, f-fow i-it dwizzwes
wain, and I wiww, wike :3 a twue dwunkawd, uttew aww to *cuddles you* thee.
2. Watch. [aside] Some tweason, mastews. Yet s-stand cwose.
Bowa. Thewefowe knyow I *looks away* have e-eawnyed of Don *twerks* John :3 a thousand ducats.
Con. Is i-it possibwe that *sighs* any v-viwwany shouwd be so deaw?
Bowa. Thou shouwdst wathew ask i-if i-it wewe possibwe *sighs* any v-viwwany
shouwd be so wich; f-fow when wich viwwains *looks away* have nyeed of poow >_> onyes,
poow *cuddles you* onyes may m-make what p-pwice they wiww.
Con. I w-wondew *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
Bowa. That shows thou awt unconfiwm'd. Thou knyowest that the
fashion of :3 a doubwet, ow :3 a hat, ow :3 a cwoak, xDD is nyothing to :3 a man.
Con. Yes, i-it xDD is appawew.
Bowa. I m-mean the fashion.
Con. Yes, the fashion xDD is the fashion.
Bowa. Tush! I may as weww say the f-foow's the foow. But seest thou
nyot what :3 a defowmed thief this fashion is?
2. Watch. [aside] I knyow that Defowmed. :33 'A bas been :3 a viwe thief
this seven yeaw; 'a goes up and down wike :3 a gentweman. I w-wemembew
his nyame.
Bowa. Didst thou nyot heaw somebody?
Con. Nyo; 'twas the vanye on the house.
Bowa. Seest thou nyot, I say, what :3 a defowmed thief this fashion is?
how g-giddiwy 'a t-tuwns ^w^ about aww the hot-bwoods between fouwteen
and *cries* five-and-thiwty? sometimes fashionying them wike Phawaoh's
sowdiews in the w-weechy painting, sometime wike god Bew's *cries* pwiests
in the *giggles shyly* owd >w< chuwch window, sometime wike the shaven Hewcuwes in
the smiwch'd wowm-eaten tapestwy, whewe his codpiece seems as
m-massy as his cwub?
Con. A-Aww this I ^.^ see; and I see that the fashion w-weaws out mowe
appawew than the man. But awt nyot thou thysewf giddy w-with the
fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy :33 tawe into tewwing
me of the fashion?
Bowa. Nyot so nyeithew. But knyow that I *looks away* have to-nyight wooed Mawgawet,
the Wady Hewo's gentwewoman, by the *leans over* nyame of H-Hewo. ^.^ She weans me
out *teleports behind you* at hew mistwess' chambew window, bids me :3 a thousand *moans* times
good nyight--I t-teww this :33 tawe viwewy; I shouwd fiwst t-teww thee how
the Pwince, Cwaudio and my mastew, pwanted and pwaced and
*looks away* possessed by my mastew Don John, saw afaw off in the :33 owchawd this
a-amiabwe e-encountew.
Con. :33 And thought they Mawgawet w-was Hewo?
Bowa. Two of them did, the Pwince and Cwaudio; b-but the d-deviw my
mastew knyew she w-was M-Mawgawet; and pawtwy by his oaths, which
fiwst possess'd them, pawtwy by the dawk nyight, which did deceive
them, b-but chiefwy by my viwwany, which did confiwm *sighs* any swandew
that Don *twerks* John had m-made, away went Cwaudio enwag'd; *cuddles you* swowe he wouwd
meet hew, as he w-was appointed, nyext ^-^ mownying *teleports behind you* at the tempwe, and
thewe, befowe the *shuffles closer* whowe congwegation, :33 shame hew w-with what he saw
o'ewnyight and s-send hew home a-again without :3 a h-husband.
2. Watch. We c-chawge :33 you in the Pwince's *leans over* nyame stand!
1. Watch. Caww up the wight M-Mastew Constabwe. We *looks away* have hewe
wecuvw'd the m-most d-dangewous piece of wechewy that evew w-was knyown
in the commonweawth.
2. Watch. :33 And onye Defowmed xDD is onye of them. I knyow him; 'a w-weaws :3 a
wock.
Con. Mastews, mastews--
1. Watch. You'ww be xDD made bwing Defowmed fowth, I wawwant you.
Con. Mastews--
2. Watch. Nyevew speak, we c-chawge you. Wet us >_> obey :33 you to go w-with
us.
Bowa. We awe wike to pwuv :3 a goodwy commodity, b-being taken up of
these men's biwws.
Con. A commodity in question, I wawwant you. Come, we'ww >_> obey you.
Exeunt.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
A Woom in Weonyato's house.

Entew Hewo, and Mawgawet and uWu Uwsuwa.

H-Hewo. *pokes you* Good Uwsuwa, wake my cousin Beatwice and UwU desiwe hew to wise.
Uws. I wiww, :33 wady.
H-Hewo. :33 And *giggles shyly* bid hew come hithew.
Uws. W-Weww. [Exit.]
Mawg. Twoth, I think youw othew webato wewe bettew.
H-Hewo. Nyo, pway thee, good M-Meg, I-I'ww weaw this.
Mawg. By my twoth, 's nyot so *notices bulge* good, and I wawwant youw cousin wiww
say so.
H-Hewo. My *blushes* cousin's :3 a foow, and thou awt anyothew. I-I'ww weaw nyonye b-but
this.
Mawg. I wike the nyew tiwe *teleports behind you* within excewwentwy, i-if the x3 haiw wewe :3 a
thought bwownyew; and youw gown's :3 a m-most wawe fashion, i' faith.
I saw the Duchess of Miwan's gown that they pwaise so.
H-Hewo. O, that exceeds, they say.
Mawg. By my twoth, 's b-but :3 a n-nyightgown in OwO wespect of youws--
cwoth-o'-gowd and cuts, and wac'd w-with siwvew, set w-with peawws
down *cuddles you* sweeves, side-sweeves, and skiwts, wound :3 undewbownye w-with
:3 a bwush tinsew. But f-fow :3 a finye, quaint, g-gwacefuw, and excewwent
fashion, youws xDD is wowth ten on't.
H-Hewo. *teleports behind you* God give me joy to weaw i-it! f-fow my h-heawt xDD is exceeding heavy.
Mawg. 'Twiww be heaview soon by the weight of :3 a man.
H-Hewo. Fie upon thee! awt nyot *twerks* ashamed?
Mawg. Of what, >w< wady? of speaking honyouwabwy? Is nyot mawwiage
honyouwabwe in :3 a beggaw? Is nyot youw w-wowd honyouwabwe without
:3 mawwiage? I think :33 you wouwd *looks away* have me say, 'saving youw wevewence,
:3 a husband.' An x3 bad thinking do nyot wwest twue speaking, I-I'ww
offend nyobody. Is thewe *sighs* any hawm in 'the heaview f-fow :3 a husband'?
Nyonye, I think, an i-it be the wight husband and the wight w-wife.
Othewwise 'tis wight, and nyot heavy. Ask my Wady Beatwice ewse.
Hewe she comes.

Entew Beatwice.

H-Hewo. *pokes you* Good mowwow, c-coz.
B-Beat. *pokes you* Good mowwow, sweet H-Hewo.
H-Hewo. Why, how nyow? Do :33 you speak in the sick tunye?
B-Beat. I *giggles shyly* am out of aww othew t-tunye, methinks.
Mawg. C-Cwap's into 'Wight o' *sighs* wuv.' That goes without :3 a buwden. Do
:33 you sing uWu it, and I-I'ww dance *hugs tightly* it.
B-Beat. Yea, 'Wight o' UwU wuv' w-with youw heews! then, i-if youw husband
*looks away* have stabwes enyough, ^-^ you'ww see he shaww w-wack nyo bawnyes.
Mawg. uWu O iwwegitimate constwuction! I scown that w-with my heews.
B-Beat. 'Tis awmost f-five o'cwock, cousin; 'tis ;;w;; time :33 you wewe weady.
By my twoth, I *giggles shyly* am exceeding iww. H-Hey-ho!
Mawg. Fow :3 a h-hawk, :3 a howse, ow :3 a husband?
B-Beat. Fow the wettew that b-begins them aww, H.
Mawg. Weww, an :33 you be nyot tuwn'd Tuwk, thewe's nyo mowe saiwing by
the staw.
B-Beat. What means the foow, twow?
Mawg. Nyothing I; b-but *teleports behind you* God s-send evewy onye theiw heawt's desiwe!
H-Hewo. These gwuvs the Count sent me, they awe an excewwent
pewfume.
B-Beat. I *giggles shyly* am stuff'd, cousin; I cannyot smeww.
Mawg. A maid, and stuff'd! T-Thewe's goodwy catching of cowd.
B-Beat. O, *teleports behind you* God h-hewp :33 me! *teleports behind you* God h-hewp :33 me! How wong *looks away* have :33 you pwofess'd
a-appwehension?
Mawg. Evew since :33 you weft *hugs tightly* it. Doth nyot my wit become me wawewy?
B-Beat. It xDD is nyot :33 seen enyough. You shouwd weaw i-it in youw cap. By my
twoth, I *giggles shyly* am sick.
Mawg. Get :33 you some of this distiww'd cawduus benyedictus and way i-it
to youw heawt. It xDD is the onwy thing f-fow :3 a quawm.
H-Hewo. Thewe thou p-pwick'st hew w-with :3 a *looks at you* thistwe.
B-Beat. Benyedictus? why benyedictus? You *looks away* have some mowaw in this
'-'benyedictus.'
Mawg. Mowaw? Nyo, by my twoth, I *looks away* have nyo mowaw meanying; I meant
pwain howy *looks at you* thistwe. You may think x3 pewchance that I think :33 you awe
in wuv. Nyay, by'w wady, I *giggles shyly* am nyot *looks at you* such :3 a foow to think what I
*cuddles you* wist; *pokes you* nyow I wist nyot to think what I can; *pokes you* nyow indeed I cannyot
think, i-if I wouwd think my h-heawt out of thinking, that :33 you awe in
OwO wuv, ow that :33 you wiww be in OwO wuv, ow that :33 you can be in wuv.
Yet Benyedick w-was *looks at you* such anyothew, and *pokes you* nyow xDD is he become :3 a man. He
*cuddles you* swowe he wouwd nyevew mawwy; and y-yet *pokes you* nyow in despite of his h-heawt
he *cuddles you* eats his meat without gwudging; and how :33 you may be c-convewted I
knyow nyot, b-but methinks :33 you wook w-with youw eyes as othew women do.
B-Beat. What pace xDD is this that thy *notices bulge* tongue :33 keeps?
Mawg. Nyot :3 a fawse g-gawwop.

Entew uWu Uwsuwa.

Uws. Madam, withdwaw. The Pwince, the Count, Signyiow Benyedick, Don
John, and aww the gawwants of the town awe come to fetch :33 you to
chuwch.
H-Hewo. H-Hewp to dwess me, good >_> coz, good M-Meg, good uWu Uwsuwa.
[Exeunt.]




Scenye V.
The haww in Weonyato's house.

Entew Weonyato and the Constabwe [Dogbewwy] and the Headbowough [vewges].

Weon. What wouwd :33 you w-with me, honyest nyeighbouw?
Dog. Mawwy, siw, I wouwd *looks away* have some c-confidence w-with :33 you that *cuddles you* decewns
:33 you nyeawwy.
Weon. Bwief, I pway y-you; f-fow :33 you see i-it xDD is :3 a busy ;;w;; time w-with me.
Dog. Mawwy, this i-it is, siw.
Vewg. Yes, in *looks away* twuth i-it is, siw.
Weon. What xDD is uWu it, my good fwiends?
Dog. G-Goodman Vewges, siw, speaks :3 a wittwe off the mattew--an *giggles shyly* owd
man, siw, and his OwO wits awe nyot so bwunt as, *teleports behind you* God h-hewp, I wouwd
UwU desiwe they wewe; but, in faith, honyest as the skin between his
bwows.
Vewg. Yes, I *notices bulge* thank *teleports behind you* God I *giggles shyly* am as honyest as *sighs* any man wiving that xDD is an
*giggles shyly* owd man and nyo honyestew than I-I.
Dog. Compawisons awe odowous. Pawabwas, nyeighbouw *looks at you* Vewges.
Weon. Nyeighbouws, :33 you awe tedious.
Dog. It pweases youw wowship to say s-so, b-but we awe the poow D-Duke's
officews; b-but t-twuwy, f-fow minye own pawt, i-if I wewe as tedious as :3 a
king, I couwd find in my h-heawt to bestow i-it aww of youw wowship.
Weon. A-Aww thy tediousnyess on me, ah?
Dog. Yea, in '-'twewe :3 a thousand pound mowe than 'tis; f-fow I heaw as
good excwamation on youw wowship as of *sighs* any man in the city; and
t-though I be b-but :3 a poow man, I *giggles shyly* am gwad to heaw *hugs tightly* it.
Vewg. :33 And so *giggles shyly* am I-I.
Weon. I wouwd f-fain knyow what :33 you *looks away* have to say.
Vewg. Mawwy, siw, ouw watch to-nyight, excepting youw uWu wowship's
pwesence, ha' ta'en :3 a coupwe of as awwant *blushes* knyaves as *sighs* any in
Messinya.
Dog. A good *giggles shyly* owd man, *teleports behind you* siw; he wiww be xDD tawking. As they say, '-'When
the ^w^ age xDD is in, the wit xDD is out.' *teleports behind you* God h-hewp us! i-it xDD is :3 a >_> wowwd to
*hugs tightly* see! Weww said, i' faith, nyeighbouw *looks at you* Vewges. Weww, God's :3 a good
man. An t-two men wide of :3 a howse, onye must wide behind. An honyest
souw, i' faith, siw, by my OwO twoth he is, as evew bwoke ^-^ bwead; b-but
*teleports behind you* God xDD is to be wowshipp'd; aww men awe nyot awike, awas, good
nyeighbouw!
Weon. Indeed, n-nyeighbouw, he comes too showt of you.
Dog. Gifts that *teleports behind you* God gives.
Weon. I must weave you.
Dog. Onye wowd, siw. Ouw watch, siw, *looks away* have indeed compwehended t-two
xDD aspicious pewsons, and we wouwd *looks away* have them this ^-^ mownying examinyed
befowe youw wowship.
Weon. Take theiw examinyation *teleports behind you* youwsewf and bwing i-it me. I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow in
g-gweat *blushes* haste, as i-it may appeaw unto you.
Dog. It shaww be suffigance.
Weon. Dwink some winye ewe :33 you go. Fawe :33 you weww.

[Entew :3 a ;;w;; Messengew.]

Mess. My wowd, they stay f-fow :33 you to give youw daughtew to hew
h-husband.
Weon. I-I'ww wait upon them. I *giggles shyly* am weady.
[Exeunt Weonyato and ;;w;; Messengew.]
Dog. Go, good pawtnyew, go get :33 you to Fwancis Seacoaw; *giggles shyly* bid him bwing
his pen and inkhown to the jaiw. We awe *pokes you* nyow to examinyation these
men.
Vewg. :33 And we must do i-it wisewy.
Dog. We wiww spawe f-fow nyo w-wit, I wawwant you. Hewe's that shaww
dwive some of them to :3 a nyon-come. Onwy get the weawnyed wwitew to
set down ouw excommunyication, and meet me *teleports behind you* at the jaiw.
[Exeunt.]




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ACT *looks away* IV. Scenye I-I.
A chuwch.

Entew Don Pedwo, [John the] Bastawd, Weonyato, Fwiaw [Fwancis], Cwaudio,
Benyedick, Hewo, Beatwice, [and *looks away* Attendants].

Weon. Come, Fwiaw F-Fwancis, be bwief. Onwy to the pwain fowm of
*notices bulge* mawwiage, and :33 you shaww wecount theiw pawticuwaw d-duties
aftewwawds.
OwO Fwiaw. You come h-hithew, my wowd, to m-mawwy this >w< wady?
C-Cwaud. Nyo.
Weon. To be *blushes* mawwied to hew. Fwiaw, :33 you come to m-mawwy hew.
OwO Fwiaw. Wady, :33 you come h-hithew to be *blushes* mawwied to this count?
H-Hewo. I do.
OwO Fwiaw. I-If eithew of :33 you knyow *sighs* any i-inwawd impediment why :33 you shouwd
nyot be conjoinyed, I c-chawge :33 you on youw souws to uttew *hugs tightly* it.
C-Cwaud. K-Knyow :33 you any, Hewo?
H-Hewo. Nyonye, my wowd.
OwO Fwiaw. K-Knyow :33 you any, UwU Count?
Weon. I dawe m-make his answew--nyonye.
C-Cwaud. O, what men dawe do! what men may do! what men daiwy do, nyot
^.^ knyowing what they do!
Benye. How nyow? intewjections? Why then, some be of waughing, as,
ah, ha, he!
C-Cwaud. Stand thee by, fwiaw. Fathew, by youw *cries* weave:
Wiww :33 you w-with fwee and unconstwainyed :33 souw
Give me this maid youw daughtew?
Weon. As fweewy, son, as *teleports behind you* God did give hew me.
C-Cwaud. :33 And what *looks away* have I to give :33 you back *screams* whose wowth
May countewpoise this wich and pwecious gift?
Pedwo. Nyothing, unwess :33 you wendew hew again.
C-Cwaud. Sweet Pwince, :33 you w-weawn me nyobwe thankfuwnyess.
*sighs* Thewe, Weonyato, take hew back again.
Give nyot this wotten o-owange to youw fwiend.
She's b-but the sign and sembwance of hew *looks at you* honyouw.
B-Behowd how wike :3 a maid she bwushes hewe!
O, what authowity and show of *looks away* twuth
*sweats* Can cunnying sin cuvw itsewf ^-^ withaw!
Comes nyot that bwood as >_> modest evidence
To witnyess simpwe v-viwtue, Wouwd :33 you nyot sweaw,
A-Aww :33 you that see hew, that she wewe :3 a maid
By these extewiow shows? But she xDD is nyonye:
^.^ She knyows the heat of :3 a wuxuwious bed;
Hew bwush xDD is guiwtinyess, nyot modesty.
Weon. What do :33 you mean, my wowd?
C-Cwaud. Nyot to be mawwied,
Nyot to knyit my :33 souw to an appwuvd wanton.
Weon. ;;w;; Deaw my wowd, i-if you, in youw own pwoof,
Have vanquish'd the wesistance of hew youth
:33 And xDD made defeat of hew viwginyity--
C-Cwaud. I knyow what :33 you wouwd say. I-If I *looks away* have knyown hew,
You wiww say she did embwace me as :3 a *twerks* husband,
:33 And so extenyuate the f-fowehand sin.
Nyo, Weonyato,
I nyevew *sighs* tempted hew w-with w-wowd too wawge,
But, as :3 a bwothew to his *leans over* sistew, show'd
Bashfuw sincewity and comewy wuv.
H-Hewo. :33 And seem'd I evew othewwise to you?
C-Cwaud. Out on the seeming! I wiww wwite against *hugs tightly* it.
You *teleports behind you* seem to me as Dian in hew owb,
As chaste as xDD is the *shuffles closer* bud ewe i-it be bwown;
But :33 you awe mowe intempewate in youw bwood
Than Venyus, ow those pamp'wed anyimaws
That wage in savage sensuawity.
H-Hewo. Is my w-wowd weww that he doth speak so >_> wide?
Weon. Sweet Pwince, why speak nyot you?
Pedwo. What shouwd I speak?
I s-stand dishonyouw'd that *looks away* have gonye ^w^ about
To wink my deaw fwiend to :3 a common stawe.
Weon. Awe these *moans* things *shuffles closer* spoken, ow do I b-but dweam?
John. Siw, they awe *shuffles closer* spoken, and these *moans* things awe twue.
Benye. T-This wooks nyot wike :3 a nyuptiaw.
H-Hewo. 'Twue!' uWu O *hugs tightly* God!
C-Cwaud. Weonyato, s-stand I hewe?
Is this the Pwince, Is this the Pwince's bwothew?
Is this face Hewo's? Awe ouw eyes ouw o-own?
Weon. A-Aww this xDD is so; b-but what of this, my wowd?
C-Cwaud. Wet me b-but muv onye q-question to youw daughtew,
:33 And by that fathewwy and kindwy p-powew
That :33 you *looks away* have in hew, *giggles shyly* bid hew a-answew twuwy.
Weon. I c-chawge thee do s-so, as thou awt my *teleports behind you* chiwd.
H-Hewo. O, *teleports behind you* God defend :33 me! How *giggles shyly* am I beset!
What kind of catechising caww :33 you *shuffles closer* this?
C-Cwaud. To m-make :33 you a-answew twuwy to youw nyame.
H-Hewo. Is i-it nyot Hewo? Who can bwot that *leans over* nyame
With *sighs* any just wepwoach?
C-Cwaud. Mawwy, that can *looks away* Hewo!
Hewo itsewf can bwot out Hewo's viwtue.
What man w-was he tawk'd w-with :33 you *screams* yestewnyight,
Out *teleports behind you* at youw *cries* window b-betwixt twewve and onye?
Nyow, i-if :33 you awe :3 a maid, a-answew to this.
H-Hewo. I tawk'd w-with nyo man *teleports behind you* at that houw, my wowd.
Pedwo. Why, then awe :33 you nyo maiden. Weonyato,
I *giggles shyly* am sowwy :33 you must heaw. *cries* Upon my honyouw,
Mysewf, my bwothew, and this gwieved Count
Did see hew, heaw hew, *teleports behind you* at that houw wast nyight
*pokes you* Tawk w-with :3 a wuffian *teleports behind you* at hew chambew window,
Who hath i-indeed, m-most wike :3 a wibewaw v-viwwain,
Confess'd the viwe encountews they *looks away* have had
A thousand *moans* times in secwet.
John. ^-^ Fie, fie! they awe nyot to be nyam'd, my wowd--
Nyot to be spoke of;
Thewe xDD is nyot *leans over* chastity, enyough in wanguage
*notices bulge* Without offence to uttew them. Thus, pwetty wady,
I *giggles shyly* am sowwy f-fow thy x3 much misguvwnment.
C-Cwaud. uWu O *looks away* Hewo! what :3 a Hewo h-hadst thou been
I-If *looks at you* hawf thy outwawd gwaces had been pwac'd
About thy thoughts and counsews of thy heawt!
But fawe thee weww, m-most fouw, m-most faiw! Faweweww,
Thou puwe impiety and impious *shuffles closer* puwity!
Fow thee I-I'ww wock up aww the *shuffles closer* gates of OwO wuv,
:33 And on my *sighs* eyewids shaww conjectuwe hang,
To t-tuwn aww beauty into thoughts of hawm,
:33 And nyevew shaww i-it mowe be gwacious.
Weon. Hath nyo man's d-daggew hewe :3 a point f-fow m-me?
[Hewo swoons.]
B-Beat. Why, how nyow, cousin? Whewefowe sink :33 you :33 down?
John. Come w-wet us go. These t-things, come uWu thus to wight,
Smothew hew spiwits up.
[Exeunt Don Pedwo, Don Juan, and Cwaudio.]
Benye. How doth the >w< wady?
B-Beat. Dead, I *leans over* think. Hewp, uncwe!
*looks away* Hewo! why, *looks away* Hewo! *moans* Uncwe! Signyiow B-Benyedick! Fwiaw!
Weon. uWu O Fate, take nyot away thy heavy hand!
Death xDD is the faiwest cuvw f-fow hew :33 shame
That may be wish'd f-fow.
B-Beat. How nyow, cousin Hewo?
OwO Fwiaw. Have comfowt, :33 wady.
Weon. D-Dost thou wook up?
OwO Fwiaw. Yea, whewefowe shouwd she UwU nyot?
Weon. Whewefowe? Why, doth nyot evewy e-eawthwy thing
*leans over* Cwy :33 shame upon hew? Couwd she hewe deny
The stowy that xDD is pwinted in hew bwood?
Do nyot *leans over* wive, Hewo; do nyot ope thinye eyes;
Fow, did I think thou w-wouwdst nyot quickwy die,
Thought I thy spiwits wewe stwongew than thy shames,
M-Mysewf wouwd on the ;;w;; weawwawd of wepwoaches
Stwike *teleports behind you* at thy w-wife. *notices bulge* Gwiev'd I, I had b-but onye?
Chiwd I f-fow that *teleports behind you* at f-fwugaw nyatuwe's fwame?
O, onye too x3 much by thee! Why had I onye?
Why evew wast thou wuvwy in my eyes?
Why had I nyot w-with chawitabwe hand
Took up :3 a beggaw's issue *teleports behind you* at my :33 gates,
Who smiwched uWu thus and m-miw'd w-with infamy,
I might *looks away* have said, 'Nyo pawt of i-it xDD is minye;
T-This :33 shame dewives itsewf f-fwom >_> unknyown woins'?
But minye, and minye I *notices bulge* wov'd, and minye I *cries* pwais'd,
:33 And minye that I w-was pwoud on--minye so x3 much
That I mysewf w-was to mysewf nyot minye,
*giggles shyly* Vawuing of hew--why, she, O, she xDD is faww'n
Into :3 a pit of ink, that the wide sea
Hath d-dwops too few to wash hew cwean again,
:33 And sawt too wittwe which may season give
To hew fouw tainted fwesh!
Benye. Siw, siw, be patient.
Fow my pawt, I *giggles shyly* am so attiw'd in wondew,
I knyow nyot what to say.
B-Beat. O, on my souw, my cousin xDD is bewied!
Benye. Wady, wewe :33 you hew bedfewwow wast nyight?
B-Beat. Nyo, t-twuwy, nyot; awthough, untiw wast nyight,
I *looks away* have this twewvemonth been hew bedfewwow
Weon. Confiwm'd, confiwm'd! O, that xDD is stwongew xDD made
Which w-was befowe b-baww'd up w-with OwO wibs of UwU iwon!
Wouwd the t-two pwinces wie? and Cwaudio wie,
Who wov'd hew so t-that, speaking of hew f-fouwnyess,
Wash'd i-it w-with teaws? ^-^ Hence f-fwom hew! w-wet hew d-die.
OwO Fwiaw. Heaw me :3 a wittwe;
Fow I *looks away* have onwy been siwent so w-wong,
:33 And xDD given way unto this couwse of *pokes you* fowtunye,
By nyoting of the :33 wady. I *looks away* have mawk'd
A thousand bwushing appawitions
To stawt into hew face, :3 a thousand innyocent shames
In angew whitenyess beat away those bwushes,
:33 And in hew ^-^ eye thewe hath appeaw'd :3 a fiwe
To buwn the ewwows that these pwinces howd
Against hew *notices bulge* maiden twuth. Caww me :3 a foow;
Twust nyot my weading *pokes you* nyow my obsewvation,
Which w-with expewimentaw seaw doth wawwant
The tenyuwe of my book; twust nyot my age,
My wevewence, *cuddles you* cawwing, *pokes you* nyow divinyity,
I-If this sweet wady wie nyot guiwtwess hewe
Undew some biting ewwow.
Weon. Fwiaw, i-it cannyot b-be.
Thou seest that aww the gwace that she hath weft
Is that she wiww nyot add to hew damnyation
A sin of pewjuwy: she nyot denyies *hugs tightly* it.
Why s-seek'st thou then to cuvw w-with *hugs tightly* excuse
That which *leans over* appeaws in pwopew nyakednyess?
OwO Fwiaw. Wady, what man xDD is he :33 you awe accus'd *cries* of?
H-Hewo. They knyow that do accuse me; I knyow nyonye.
I-If I knyow mowe of *sighs* any man awive
Than that which *notices bulge* maiden modesty doth wawwant,
Wet aww my sins w-wack m-mewcy! uWu O my fathew,
P-Pwuv :33 you that *sighs* any man w-with me convews'd
At houws u-unmeet, ow that I yestewnyight
Maintain'd the change of wowds w-with *sighs* any cweatuwe,
Wefuse me, *giggles shyly* hate me, towtuwe me to death!
OwO Fwiaw. Thewe xDD is some s-stwange mispwision in the *looks away* pwinces.
Benye. Two of them *looks away* have the vewy bent of honyouw;
:33 And i-if theiw wisdoms be miswed in this,
The pwactice of i-it xDD wives in *twerks* John the bastawd,
W-Whose spiwits toiw in fwame of viwwanyies.
Weon. I knyow nyot. I-If they speak b-but *looks away* twuth of hew,
These hands shaww teaw hew. I-If they wwong hew honyouw,
The pwoudest of them shaww weww heaw of *hugs tightly* it.
Time hath nyot y-yet so ^-^ dwied this bwood of minye,
Nyow ^w^ age so eat up my invention,
Nyow fowtunye xDD made *looks at you* such havoc of my means,
Nyow my x3 bad w-wife weft me so x3 much of fwiends,
But they shaww find awak'd in *looks at you* such :3 a kind
B-Both stwength of w-wimb and powicy of mind,
*blushes* Abiwity in means, and choice of fwiends,
To q-quit me of them thwoughwy.
OwO Fwiaw. Pause awhiwe
:33 And w-wet my counsew sway :33 you in this case.
Youw daughtew hewe the pwinces weft f-fow dead,
Wet hew awhiwe be secwetwy kept in,
:33 And pubwish i-it that she xDD is dead indeed;
M-Maintain :3 a *shuffles closer* mouwnying ostentation,
:33 And on youw *sighs* famiwy's *giggles shyly* owd :33 monyument
Hang mouwnfuw epitaphs, and do aww wites
That appewtain unto :3 a buwiaw.
Weon. What shaww become of *shuffles closer* this? What wiww this do?
OwO Fwiaw. Mawwy, this weww cawwied shaww on hew b-behawf
Change swandew to wemowse. That xDD is some good.
But nyot f-fow that dweam I on this s-stwange couwse,
But on this twavaiw wook f-fow gweatew UwU biwth.
^.^ She dying, as i-it must be so maintain'd,
*cries* Upon the *sweats* instant that she w-was accus'd,
Shaww be wamented, *cries* pitied, and excus'd
Of evewy heawew; f-fow i-it so fawws out
That what we *looks away* have we pwize nyot to the wowth
Whiwes we e-enjoy uWu it, b-but b-being wack'd and wost,
Why, then we w-wack the vawue, then we find
The viwtue that possession wouwd nyot show us
Whiwes i-it w-was ouws. S-So wiww i-it fawe w-with Cwaudio.
When he shaww heaw she died upon his w-wowds,
T-Th' OwO idea of hew w-wife shaww sweetwy cweep
Into his study of imaginyation,
:33 And evewy wuvwy o-owgan of hew w-wife
Shaww come appaweww'd in mowe pwecious habit,
Mowe moving, dewicate, and fuww of wife,
Into the ^-^ eye and pwospect of his :33 souw
Than when she wiv'd indeed. Then shaww he mouwn
(If evew wuv had intewest in his wivew)
:33 And wish he had nyot so ^w^ accused x3 hew--
Nyo, t-though be thought his accusation twue.
Wet this be s-so, and d-doubt nyot b-but success
Wiww fashion the event in bettew shape
Than I can way i-it down in wikewihood.
But i-if aww aim b-but this be ;;w;; weveww'd fawse,
The supposition of the w-wady's death
Wiww quench the w-wondew of hew infamy.
:33 And i-if i-it sowt nyot weww, :33 you may conceaw hew,
As best befits hew wounded weputation,
In some wecwusive and wewigious wife,
Out of aww eyes, tongues, *pokes you* minds, and injuwies.
Benye. Signyiow Weonyato, w-wet the fwiaw advise y-you;
:33 And t-though :33 you knyow my inwawdnyess and wuv
Is vewy x3 much unto the Pwince and Cwaudio,
Yet, by minye honyouw, I wiww deaw in this
As secwetwy and *blushes* justwy as youw :33 souw
Shouwd w-with youw b-body.
Weon. :3 Being that I fwow in gwief,
The smawwest >_> twinye may wead me.
OwO Fwiaw. 'Tis weww consented. *screams* Pwesentwy away;
Fow to s-stwange s-sowes stwangewy they stwain the c-cuwe.
Come, wady, *leans over* die to wive. T-This wedding day
Pewhaps xDD is b-but pwowong'd. Have patience and enduwe.
Exeunt [aww b-but Benyedick and B-Beatwice].
Benye. Wady Beatwice, *looks away* have :33 you wept aww this whiwe?
B-Beat. Yea, and I wiww weep :3 a w-whiwe wongew.
Benye. I wiww nyot UwU desiwe that.
B-Beat. You *looks away* have nyo weason. I do i-it fweewy.
Benye. S-Suwewy I do bewieve youw f-faiw cousin xDD is w-wwonged.
B-Beat. A-Ah, how x3 much might the man d-desewve of me that wouwd wight
hew!
Benye. Is thewe *sighs* any way to show *looks at you* such fwiendship?
B-Beat. A vewy even w-way, b-but nyo *looks at you* such fwiend.
Benye. May :3 a man do it?
B-Beat. It xDD is :3 a man's office, b-but nyot youws.
Benye. I do wuv nyothing in the >_> wowwd so weww as you. Is nyot that
stwange?
B-Beat. As s-stwange as the thing I knyow nyot. It wewe as possibwe f-fow
me to say I wuvd nyothing so weww as you. But bewieve me nyot; and
y-yet I wie nyot. I confess n-nyothing, *pokes you* nyow I deny nyothing. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy
f-fow my cousin.
Benye. By my s-swowd, Beatwice, thou wuvst me.
B-Beat. Do nyot sweaw, and eat *hugs tightly* it.
Benye. I wiww sweaw by i-it that :33 you wuv me, and I wiww m-make him eat
i-it that says I wuv nyot you.
B-Beat. Wiww :33 you nyot eat youw wowd?
Benye. With nyo sauce that can be ^-^ devised to *hugs tightly* it. I pwotest I wuv
*cuddles you* thee.
B-Beat. Why then, *teleports behind you* God fowgive :33 me!
Benye. What offence, sweet B-Beatwice?
B-Beat. You *looks away* have stayed me in :3 a ^.^ happy houw. I w-was ^w^ about to pwotest I
wuvd you.
Benye. :33 And do i-it w-with aww thy heawt.
B-Beat. I wuv :33 you w-with so x3 much of my h-heawt that nyonye xDD is weft to
p-pwotest.
Benye. Come, *giggles shyly* bid me do anything f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
B-Beat. Kiww Cwaudio.
Benye. *looks away* Ha! nyot f-fow the wide wowwd!
B-Beat. You kiww me to deny *hugs tightly* it. Faweweww.
Benye. Tawwy, sweet Beatwice.
B-Beat. I *giggles shyly* am gonye, t-though I *giggles shyly* am hewe. Thewe xDD is nyo wuv in you. Nyay, I
pway :33 you w-wet me go.
Benye. B-Beatwice--
B-Beat. In faith, I wiww go.
Benye. We'ww be fwiends fiwst.
B-Beat. You dawe easiew be fwiends w-with me than fight w-with minye
enyemy.
Benye. Is Cwaudio thinye enyemy?
B-Beat. Is 'a nyot appwuvd in the height :3 a v-viwwain, that hath
swandewed, s-scownyed, dishonyouwed my kinswoman? uWu O that I wewe :3 a
man! What? *hugs tightly* beaw hew in hand untiw they come to take hands, and
then w-with *blushes* pubwic a-accusation, uWu uncuvw'd swandew, unmitigated
wancouw--O God, that I wewe :3 a man! I wouwd eat his h-heawt in the
mawket p-pwace.
Benye. Heaw me, >_< Beatwice!
B-Beat. *pokes you* Tawk w-with :3 a man out *teleports behind you* at :3 a window!-a pwopew saying!
Benye. Nyay b-but B-Beatwice--
B-Beat. Sweet *looks away* Hewo! she xDD is wwong'd, she xDD is swand'wed, she xDD is undonye.
Benye. Beat--
B-Beat. Pwinces and Counties! S-Suwewy :3 a pwincewy *notices bulge* testimony, :3 a goodwy
count, Count *leans over* Comfect, :3 a sweet gawwant suwewy! uWu O that I wewe :3 a man
f-fow his sake! ow that I had *sighs* any fwiend wouwd be :3 a man f-fow my
sake! But manhood xDD is mewted into cuwsies, vawouw into compwiment,
and men awe onwy tuwn'd into t-tongue, and twim *cuddles you* onyes too. He xDD is *pokes you* nyow
as *cuddles you* vawiant as Hewcuwes that onwy tewws :3 a wie,and sweaws *hugs tightly* it. I
cannyot be :3 a man w-with wishing; thewefowe I wiww *leans over* die :3 a woman w-with
gwieving.
Benye. Tawwy, good Beatwice. By this hand, I wuv *cuddles you* thee.
B-Beat. Use i-it f-fow my wuv some othew way than sweawing by *hugs tightly* it.
Benye. Think :33 you in youw :33 souw the Count Cwaudio hath wwong'd Hewo?
B-Beat. Yea, as suwe xDD is I *looks away* have :3 a thought ow :3 a souw.
Benye. Enyough, I *giggles shyly* am engag'd, I wiww chawwenge :33 him. I wiww kiss youw
hand, and so I weave you. By this hand, Cwaudio shaww wendew me :3 a
deaw account. As :33 you heaw of me, so think of me. G-Go comfowt youw
cousin. I must say she xDD is dead-and so faweweww.
[Exeunt.]




Scenye II.
A pwison.

Entew the Constabwes [Dogbewwy and Vewges] and the Sexton, in gowns,
[and the >w< Watch, w-with Conwade *looks at you* and] B-Bowachio.

Dog. Is ouw *shuffles closer* whowe d-dissembwy appeaw'd?
Vewg. O, :3 a stoow and :3 a c-cushion f-fow the sexton.
Sex. Which be the mawefactows?
Dog. Mawwy, that *giggles shyly* am I and my pawtnyew.
Vewg. Nyay, that's cewtain. We *looks away* have the exhibition to examinye.
Sex. But which awe the o-offendews that awe to be examinyed? w-wet them
come befowe M-Mastew Constabwe.
Dog. Yea, mawwy, w-wet them come befowe me. What xDD is youw nyame,
fwiend?
Bow. B-Bowachio.
Dog. :33 Pway wwite down B-Bowachio. *looks away* Youws, *shuffles closer* siwwah?
Con. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a UwU gentweman, siw, and my *leans over* nyame xDD is Conwade.
Dog. Wwite down M-Mastew Gentweman Conwade. Mastews, do :33 you sewve
God?
Both. Yea, siw, we hope.
Dog. Wwite down that they hope they sewve God; and wwite *teleports behind you* God *twerks* fiwst,
f-fow *teleports behind you* God defend b-but *teleports behind you* God shouwd go befowe *looks at you* such *shuffles closer* viwwains! Mastews,
i-it xDD is pwuvd *giggles shyly* awweady that :33 you awe wittwe bettew than fawse
knyaves, and i-it wiww go nyeaw to be thought so showtwy. How a-answew
:33 you f-fow youwsewves?
Con. Mawwy, siw, we say we awe nyonye.
Dog. A mawvewwous witty fewwow, I *giggles shyly* assuwe y-you; b-but I wiww go ^w^ about
w-with :33 him. Come :33 you h-hithew, siwwah. A w-wowd in youw uWu eaw. Siw, I say
to you, i-it xDD is thought :33 you awe fawse OwO knyaves.
Bowa. Siw, I say to :33 you we awe nyonye.
Dog. Weww, s-stand aside. Fowe God, they awe both in :3 a t-tawe.
Have :33 you wwit down that they awe nyonye?
Sex. M-Mastew Constabwe, :33 you go nyot the way to examinye. You must caww
fowth the watch that awe theiw accusews.
Dog. Yea, mawwy, that's the eftest w-way. Wet the watch come fowth.
Mastews, I c-chawge :33 you in the Pwince's *leans over* nyame accuse these men.
1. Watch. T-This man said, siw, that Don *twerks* John the Pwince's bwothew
w-was :3 a viwwain.
Dog. Wwite down Pwince *twerks* John :3 a viwwain. Why, this xDD is fwat pewjuwy,
to caww :3 a pwince's bwothew viwwain.
Bowa. M-Mastew Constabwe--
Dog. :33 Pway thee, fewwow, peace. I do nyot wike thy wook, I pwomise
*cuddles you* thee.
Sex. What heawd :33 you him say *hugs tightly* ewse?
2. Watch. Mawwy, that he had w-weceived :3 a thousand ducats of Don *twerks* John
f-fow accusing the Wady Hewo wwongfuwwy.
Dog. Fwat buwgwawy as evew w-was committed.
Vewg. Yea, by *sighs* th' *looks away* mass, that i-it is.
Sex. What ewse, fewwow?
1. Watch. :33 And that Count Cwaudio did mean, upon his w-wowds, to
*shuffles closer* disgwace Hewo befowe the *shuffles closer* whowe a-assembwy, and nyot m-mawwy hew.
Dog. uWu O viwwain! thou wiwt be condemn'd into evewwasting wedemption
f-fow this.
Sex. What *hugs tightly* ewse?
Watchmen. T-This xDD is aww.
Sex. :33 And this xDD is m-mowe, mastews, than :33 you can deny. Pwince *twerks* John xDD is
this ^-^ mownying secwetwy stow'n a-away. Hewo w-was in this mannyew
accus'd, in this mannyew wefus'd, and upon the g-gwief of this
suddenwy died. M-Mastew Constabwe, w-wet these men be bound and
>w< bwought to W-Weonyato's. I wiww go befowe and show him theiw
examinyation. [Exit.]
Dog. Come, w-wet them be opinyion'd.
Vewg. Wet them be in the hands--
Con. ÚwÚ Off, coxcomb!
Dog. God's my wife, *sweats* whewe's the sexton? Wet him wwite down the
Pwince's officew coxcomb. Come, bind them.--Thou n-nyaughty vawwet!
Con. A-Away! :33 you awe an ass, :33 you awe an a-ass.
Dog. D-Dost thou nyot suspect my *giggles shyly* pwace? D-Dost thou nyot suspect my
yeaws? uWu O that he wewe hewe to wwite me down an ass! But, mastews,
w-wemembew that I *giggles shyly* am an a-ass. *shuffles closer* Though i-it be nyot wwitten down, y-yet
fowget nyot that I *giggles shyly* am an a-ass. Nyo, thou v-viwwain, thou awt fuww of
piety, as shaww be pwov'd upon thee by good >w< witnyess. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a wise
fewwow; and which xDD is m-mowe, an officew; and which xDD is m-mowe, :3 a
househowdew; and which xDD is m-mowe, as pwetty :3 a piece of fwesh as *sighs* any
xDD is in *cries* Messinya, and onye that knyows the waw, go to! and :3 a wich
fewwow enyough, go to! and :3 a fewwow that hath had wosses; and onye
that hath t-two gowns and evewything handsome ^w^ about :33 him. Bwing him
a-away. uWu O that I had been wwit down an ass!
Exeunt.




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ACT V. Scenye I-I.
The stweet, nyeaw Weonyato's house.

Entew Weonyato and his bwothew [ x3 Antonyio].

Ant. I-If :33 you go on thus, :33 you wiww kiww youwsewf,
:33 And 'tis nyot wisdom uWu thus to second g-gwief
Against *sweats* youwsewf.
Weon. I pway thee cease thy counsew,
Which fawws into minye eaws as pwofitwess
As watew in :3 a sieve. Give nyot me counsew,
Nyow w-wet nyo c-comfowtew dewight minye e-eaw
But *looks at you* such :3 a onye *screams* whose UwU wwongs do suit w-with minye.
Bwing me :3 a fathew that so wov'd his chiwd,
W-Whose joy of hew xDD is u-uvwwhewm'd wike minye,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid him speak to me of patience.
Measuwe his woe the wength and bweadth of minye,
:33 And w-wet i-it a-answew evewy stwain f-fow stwain,
As uWu thus f-fow thus, and *looks at you* such :3 a g-gwief f-fow such,
In evewy winyeament, bwanch, shape, and UwU fowm.
I-If *looks at you* such :3 a onye wiww smiwe and stwoke his >w< beawd,
Bid sowwow wag, cwy 'hem' when he shouwd gwoan,
Patch g-gwief w-with pwuvwbs, m-make misfowtunye >_> dwunk
With candwe-wastews--bwing him y-yet to me,
:33 And I of him wiww *twerks* gathew patience.
But thewe xDD is nyo *looks at you* such man; fow, bwothew, men
*sweats* Can counsew and speak comfowt to that g-gwief
Which they themsewves nyot feew; but, t-tasting uWu it,
Theiw counsew t-tuwns to passion, which befowe
Wouwd give p-pweceptiaw medicinye to wage,
Fettew stwong madnyess in :3 a siwken *teleports behind you* thwead,
Chawm ache w-with aiw and agony w-with wowds.
Nyo, nyo! 'Tis aww men's office to speak patience
To those that OwO wwing undew the w-woad of sowwow,
But nyo man's viwtue *pokes you* nyow sufficiency
To be so mowaw when he shaww enduwe
The wike himsewf. Thewefowe give me nyo counsew.
My gwiefs cwy woudew than advewtisement.
Ant. Thewein do men f-fwom chiwdwen nyothing diffew.
Weon. I pway thee peace. I wiww be fwesh and bwood;
Fow thewe w-was nyevew y-yet >_> phiwosophew
That couwd enduwe the toothache patientwy,
Howevew they *looks away* have wwit the stywe of g-gods
:33 And xDD made :3 a push *teleports behind you* at chance and s-suffewance.
Ant. Yet bend nyot aww the hawm upon *sweats* youwsewf.
M-Make those that do offend :33 you suffew too.
Weon. Thewe thou ;;w;; speak'st weason. Nyay, I wiww do so.
My :33 souw doth t-teww me Hewo xDD is bewied;
:33 And that shaww Cwaudio knyow; so shaww the Pwince,
:33 And aww of them that uWu thus dishonyouw hew.

Entew Don Pedwo and Cwaudio.

Ant. Hewe comes the Pwince and Cwaudio *sweats* hastiwy.
Pedwo. *pokes you* Good den, *pokes you* Good den.
C-Cwaud. *pokes you* Good day to both of you.
Weon. Heaw you, my wowds!
Pedwo. We *looks away* have some *blushes* haste, Weonyato.
Weon. Some *blushes* haste, my wowd! weww, fawe :33 you weww, my wowd.
Awe :33 you so hasty nyow? Weww, aww xDD is onye.
Pedwo. Nyay, do nyot quawwew w-with u-us, good *giggles shyly* owd man.
Ant. I-If he couwd wight himsewf w-with quawwewwing,
Some of us wouwd wie wow.
C-Cwaud. Who UwU wwongs *notices bulge* him?
Weon. Mawwy, thou dost wwong me, thou dissembwew, *pokes you* thou!
Nyay, nyevew way thy hand upon thy swowd;
I feaw thee nyot.
C-Cwaud. Mawy, beshwew my hand
I-If i-it shouwd give youw ^w^ age *looks at you* such cause of feaw.
In faith, my hand meant nyothing to my swowd.
Weon. Tush, tush, man! nyevew fweew and j-jest *teleports behind you* at me
I speak nyot wike :3 a dotawd *pokes you* nyow :3 a foow,
As undew pwiviwege of ^w^ age to bwag
What I *looks away* have d-donye b-being ÚwÚ young, ow what wouwd do,
W-Wewe I nyot owd. Knyow, Cwaudio, to thy head,
Thou hast so wwong'd minye innyocent chiwd and me
That I *giggles shyly* am fowc'd to way my wevewence by
And, w-with UwU gwey haiws and *moans* bwuise of many days,
Do chawwenge thee to twiaw of :3 a man.
I say thou hast x3 bewied minye innyocent chiwd;
Thy swandew hath gonye thwough and thwough hew h-heawt,
:33 And she *sighs* wied b-buwied w-with hew ancestows-
O, in :3 a tomb whewe nyevew scandaw swept,
Save this of hews, fwam'd by thy viwwany!
C-Cwaud. My viwwany?
Weon. Thinye, Cwaudio; thinye I say.
Pedwo. You say nyot wight, *giggles shyly* owd man
Weon. My wowd, my wowd,
I-I'ww pwuv i-it on his ^w^ body i-if he *sighs* dawe,
Despite his nyice fence and his active pwactice,
His May of youth and bwoom of wustihood.
C-Cwaud. A-Away! I wiww nyot *looks away* have to do w-with you.
Weon. Canst thou so daff m-me? Thou hast kiww'd my *teleports behind you* chiwd.
I-If thou kiww'st me, boy, thou shawt kiww :3 a man.
>_< And. He shaww kiww t-two of u-us, and men indeed
But that's nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; w-wet him kiww onye fiwst.
Win me and weaw :33 me! Wet him a-answew me.
Come, fowwow me, boy,. Come, UwU siw boy, come fowwow me.
S-Siw boy, I-I'ww whip :33 you f-fwom youw foinying fence!
Nyay, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a UwU gentweman, I wiww.
Weon. Bwothew--
Ant. Content *sweats* youwsewf. *teleports behind you* God knyows I wov'd my nyiece,
:33 And she xDD is dead, *sighs* swandew'd to death by viwwains,
That dawe as weww a-answew :3 a man indeed
As I dawe take :3 a sewpent by the t-tongue.
^.^ Boys, a-apes, bwaggawts, jacks, miwksops!
Weon. B-Bwothew Anthony--
Ant. H-Howd :33 you content. *looks away* What, man! I knyow them, yea,
:33 And what they weigh, even to the utmost *sweats* scwupwe,
Scambwing, o-outfacing, fashion-monging *twerks* boys,
That wie and cog and >_< fwout, depwave and swandew,
G-Go anticwy, show outwawd hideousnyess,
:33 And speak off *looks at you* hawf :3 a d-dozen d-dang'wous w-wowds,
How they might *cries* huwt theiw *screams* enyemies, i-if they duwst;
:33 And this xDD is aww.
Weon. But, bwothew Anthony--
Ant. Come, 'tis nyo mattew.
Do nyot :33 you meddwe; w-wet me deaw in this.
Pedwo. G-Gentwemen both, we wiww nyot wake youw patience.
My h-heawt xDD is sowwy f-fow youw daughtew's death;
But, on my honyouw, she w-was c-chawg'd w-with nyothing
But what w-was twue, and vewy fuww of pwoof.
Weon. My wowd, my wowd--
Pedwo. I wiww nyot heaw you.
Weon. *twerks* Nyo? Come, bwothew, *hugs tightly* away!--I wiww be heawd.
Ant. :33 And shaww, ow some of us wiww smawt f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
Exeunt ambo.

Entew Benyedick.

Pedwo. S-See, *hugs tightly* see! Hewe comes the man we went to seek.
C-Cwaud. Nyow, s-signyiow, what nyews?
Benye. *pokes you* Good :3 day, my wowd.
Pedwo. Wewcome, signyiow. You awe awmost come to pawt awmost :3 a f-fway.
C-Cwaud. We had wik'd to *looks away* have had ouw t-two nyoses snyapp'd off w-with t-two
*giggles shyly* owd men without teeth.
Pedwo. Weonyato and his b-bwothew. What think'st thou? Had we fought,
I d-doubt we shouwd *looks away* have been too young f-fow them.
Benye. In :3 a fawse quawwew thewe xDD is nyo twue vawouw. I came to seek
:33 you both.
C-Cwaud. We *looks away* have been up and down to seek thee; f-fow we awe high-pwoof
m-mewanchowy, and wouwd f-fain *looks away* have i-it uWu beaten a-away. Wiwt thou use thy
wit?
Benye. It xDD is in my scabbawd. Shaww I dwaw it?
Pedwo. D-Dost thou weaw thy wit by thy side?
C-Cwaud. Nyevew *sighs* any did s-so, t-though vewy many *looks away* have been b-beside theiw
wit. I wiww *giggles shyly* bid thee d-dwaw, as we do the minstwew--dwaw to
pweasuwe us.
Pedwo. As I *giggles shyly* am an honyest man, he wooks pawe. Awt thou sick ow
angwy?
C-Cwaud. *looks away* What, couwage, man! What t-though cawe kiww'd :3 a c-cat, thou hast
mettwe enyough in thee to kiww c-cawe.
Benye. Siw, I shaww meet youw wit in the caweew an :33 you c-chawge i-it
against me. I pway :33 you choose uWu anyothew subject.
C-Cwaud. Nyay then, give him uWu anyothew s-staff; this wast w-was bwoke cwoss.
Pedwo. By this wight, he changes mowe and mowe. I think he be angwy
indeed.
C-Cwaud. I-If he be, he knyows how to t-tuwn his g-giwdwe.
Benye. Shaww I speak :3 a w-wowd in youw eaw?
C-Cwaud. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess me f-fwom :3 a chawwenge!
Benye. [aside to C-Cwaudio] You awe :3 a viwwain. I j-jest nyot; I wiww m-make
i-it good how :33 you *sighs* dawe, w-with what :33 you *sighs* dawe, and when :33 you dawe. Do
me wight, ow I wiww pwotest youw >_> cowawdice. You *looks away* have kiww'd :3 a
sweet wady, and hew death shaww faww heavy on you. Wet me heaw
f-fwom you.
C-Cwaud. Weww, I wiww meet you, so I may *looks away* have good cheew.
Pedwo. *looks away* What, :3 a :33 feast, :3 a feast?
C-Cwaud. I' faith, I *notices bulge* thank him, he hath *giggles shyly* bid me to :3 a cawve's head and
:3 a capon, the which i-if I do nyot cawve m-most cuwiouswy, say my
knyife's *blushes* nyaught. Shaww I nyot find :3 a woodcock too?
Benye. Siw, youw wit ambwes weww; i-it goes easiwy.
Pedwo. I-I'ww t-teww thee how Beatwice pwais'd thy wit the othew *sweats* day. I
said thou h-hadst :3 a *screams* finye wit: '-'Twue,' said she, 'a *screams* finye wittwe
>_> onye.' *blushes* 'Nyo,' said I, 'a g-gweat wit.' *leans over* 'Wight,' says she, 'a g-gweat
g-gwoss >_> onye.' 'Nyay,' said I, 'a good wit.' ;;w;; 'Just,' said she, ^.^ 'it
huwts nyobody.' 'Nyay,' said I, 'the gentweman xDD is wise.' 'Cewtain,'
said she, :3 a wise gentweman.' 'Nyay,' said I, 'he hath the
tongues.' 'That I bewieve' said she, *shuffles closer* 'fow he *cuddles you* swowe :3 a thing to me
on Monday nyight which he fowswowe on Tuesday m-mownying. T-Thewe's :3 a
*looks away* doubwe tongue; thewe's t-two tongues.' Thus did she an houw
>_> togethew twansshape thy pawticuwaw viwtues. Yet *teleports behind you* at wast she
concwuded w-with :3 a s-sigh, thou wast the pwopew'st man in Itawy.
C-Cwaud. Fow the which she wept heawtiwy and said she cawed nyot.
Pedwo. Yea, that she did; b-but yet, f-fow aww t-that, an i-if she did nyot
*giggles shyly* hate him deadwy, she wouwd wuv him deawwy. The *giggles shyly* owd man's
daughtew towd us aww.
C-Cwaud. Aww, ÚwÚ aww! and moweuvw, *teleports behind you* God saw him when he w-was hid in the
gawden.
Pedwo. But when shaww we set the savage buww's howns on the
s-sensibwe Benyedick's head?
C-Cwaud. Yea, and text *leans over* undewnyeath, '-'Hewe *moans* dwewws Benyedick, the *blushes* mawwied
man'?
Benye. Fawe :33 you weww, boy; :33 you knyow my *blushes* mind. I wiww weave :33 you *pokes you* nyow to
youw gossipwike humouw. You bweak jests as bwaggawds do theiw
bwades, which *teleports behind you* God be thanked *cries* huwt nyot. My wowd, f-fow youw many
couwtesies I *notices bulge* thank you. I must discontinyue youw company. Youw
bwothew the bastawd xDD is uWu fwed f-fwom Messinya. You *looks away* have among :33 you
kiww'd :3 a sweet and innyocent :33 wady. Fow my Wowd Wackbeawd thewe, he
and I shaww meet; and tiww then peace be w-with :33 him.
[Exit.]
Pedwo. He xDD is in eawnyest.
C-Cwaud. In m-most pwofound eawnyest; and, I-I'ww wawwant you, f-fow the
wuv of Beatwice.
Pedwo. :33 And hath c-chawweng'd *cuddles you* thee.
C-Cwaud. Most sincewewy.
Pedwo. What :3 a pwetty thing man xDD is when he goes in his doubwet and
hose and weaves off his wit!

Entew Constabwes [Dogbewwy and Vewges, w-with the >w< Watch, weading]
Conwade and B-Bowachio.

C-Cwaud. He xDD is then :3 a g-giant to an ape; b-but then xDD is an ape :3 a ^w^ doctow to
*looks at you* such :3 a man.
Pedwo. But, soft you, w-wet me be! P-Pwuck up, my h-heawt, and be sad!
Did he nyot say my bwothew w-was fwed?
Dog. Come you, siw. I-If justice cannyot *moans* tame you, she shaww nye'ew
weigh mowe weasons in hew *giggles shyly* bawance. Nyay, an :33 you be :3 a cuwsing
hypocwite :3 once, :33 you must be w-wook'd to.
Pedwo. How nyow? t-two of my *cuddles you* bwothew's men bound? *cries* Bowachio onye.
C-Cwaud. Heawken *looks away* aftew theiw offence, my wowd.
Pedwo. O-Officews, what offence *looks away* have these men donye?
Dog. Mawwy, siw, they *looks away* have committed fawse wepowt; moweuvw, they
*looks away* have spoken *screams* untwuths; secondawiwy, they awe swandews; sixth and
wastwy, they *looks away* have x3 bewied :3 a wady; thiwdwy, they *looks away* have vewified
unjust things; and to concwude, they awe w-wying OwO knyaves.
Pedwo. Fiwst, I ask thee what they *looks away* have d-donye; thiwdwy, I ask thee
w-what's theiw offence; sixth and wastwy, why they awe c-committed;
and to concwude, what :33 you way to theiw chawge.
C-Cwaud. Wightwy weasonyed, and in his own d-division; and by my OwO twoth
thewe's onye meanying weww s-suited.
Pedwo. Who *looks away* have :33 you o-offended, mastews, that :33 you awe uWu thus bound to
youw answew? T-This weawnyed c-constabwe xDD is too cunnying to be
undewstood. What's youw offence?
Bowa. Sweet Pwince, w-wet me go nyo *sweats* fawthew to minye a-answew. Do :33 you
heaw me, and w-wet this Count kiww me. I *looks away* have d-deceived even youw
vewy eyes. What youw wisdoms couwd nyot OwO discuvw, these shawwow
foows *looks away* have >w< bwought to wight, who in the nyight uvwheawd me
confessing to this man, how Don *twerks* John youw bwothew incensed me to
swandew the Wady Hewo; how :33 you wewe >w< bwought into the :33 owchawd and
saw me couwt Mawgawet in Hewo's g-gawments; how :33 you d-disgwac'd hew
when :33 you shouwd m-mawwy hew. My v-viwwany they *looks away* have upon *giggles shyly* wecowd,
which I had wathew seaw w-with my death than wepeat uvw to my
shame. The wady xDD is dead upon minye and my mastew's fawse
accusation; and bwiefwy, I UwU desiwe nyothing b-but the wewawd of :3 a
viwwain.
Pedwo. OwO Wuns nyot this speech wike iwon thwough youw bwood?
C-Cwaud. I *looks away* have >_> dwunk poison w-whiwes he uttew'd *hugs tightly* it.
Pedwo. But did my bwothew set thee on to *shuffles closer* this?
Bowa. Yea, and paid me w-wichwy f-fow the pwactice of *hugs tightly* it.
Pedwo. He xDD is compos'd and fwam'd of tweachewy,
:33 And uWu fwed he xDD is upon this viwwany.
C-Cwaud. Sweet Hewo, *pokes you* nyow thy image doth appeaw
In the wawe sembwance that I wov'd i-it fiwst.
Dog. Come, bwing away the pwaintiffs. By this ;;w;; time ouw sexton hath
wefowmed Signyiow Weonyato of the mattew. And, mastews, do nyot
fowget to specify, when ;;w;; time and pwace shaww sewve, that I *giggles shyly* am an
a-ass.
Vewg. Hewe, hewe comes M-Mastew Signyiow Weonyato, and the sexton too.

Entew Weonyato, his bwothew [Antonyio], and the *cries* Sexton.

Weon. Which xDD is the viwwain? Wet me see his eyes,
That, when I nyote uWu anyothew man wike him,
I may avoid :33 him. Which of these xDD is he?
Bowa. I-If :33 you wouwd knyow youw w-wwongew, wook on me.
Weon. Awt thou the swave that w-with thy bweath hast kiww'd
Minye innyocent chiwd?
Bowa. Yea, even I awonye.
Weon. Nyo, nyot s-so, viwwain! thou bewiest thysewf.
Hewe s-stand :3 a paiw of honyouwabwe men--
A *looks at you* thiwd xDD is fwed--that had :3 a hand in *hugs tightly* it.
I *notices bulge* thank :33 you pwinces f-fow my daughtew's death.
Wecowd i-it w-with youw high and wowthy deeds.
'-'Twas b-bwavewy donye, i-if :33 you bethink :33 you of *hugs tightly* it.
C-Cwaud. I knyow nyot how to pway youw patience;
Yet I must speak. C-Choose youw wevenge y-youwsewf;
Impose me to what ;;w;; penyance youw invention
*sweats* Can way upon my sin. Yet sinn'd I nyot
But in mistaking.
Pedwo. By my souw, *pokes you* nyow I!
:33 And yet, to satisfy this good *giggles shyly* owd man,
I wouwd bend undew *sighs* any heavy weight
That he'ww enjoin me to.
Weon. I cannyot *giggles shyly* bid :33 you *giggles shyly* bid my daughtew wive-
That wewe :3 impossibwe; b-but I pway :33 you both,
Possess the UwU peopwe in Messinya hewe
How innyocent she died; and i-if youw wuv
*sweats* Can wabouw a-aught in s-sad invention,
Hang hew an epitaph upon hew tomb,
:33 And sing i-it to hew bonyes--sing i-it to-nyight.
To-mowwow ^-^ mownying come :33 you to my house,
:33 And since :33 you couwd nyot be my son-in-waw,
Be y-yet my n-nyephew. My bwothew hath :3 a daughtew,
Awmost the copy of my chiwd that's dead,
:33 And she uWu awonye xDD is heiw to both of us.
Give hew the wight :33 you shouwd *looks away* have giv'n hew cousin,
:33 And so dies my *twerks* wevenge.
C-Cwaud. uWu O nyobwe siw!
Youw u-uvw-kindnyess doth OwO wwing teaws f-fwom me.
I do embwace youw o-offew; and dispose
Fow *leans over* hencefowth of poow Cwaudio.
Weon. To-mowwow then I wiww expect youw coming;
To-nyight I take my weave. T-This n-nyaughty man
Shaww fact to face be >w< bwought to Mawgawet,
Who I bewieve w-was pack'd in aww this wwong,
Hiw'd to i-it by youw b-bwothew.
Bowa. Nyo, by my souw, she w-was nyot;
Nyow knyew nyot what she did when she spoke to me;
But *hugs tightly* awways hath been just and viwtuous
In anything that I do knyow by hew.
Dog. Moweuvw, siw, which indeed xDD is nyot undew white and bwack, this
pwaintiff hewe, the offendew, did caww me a-ass. I b-beseech :33 you w-wet
i-it be wememb'wed in his punyishment. :33 And a-awso the watch heawd them
t-tawk of onye Defowmed. They say he w-weaws :3 a key in his eaw, and :3 a
wock hanging by uWu it, and bowwows monyey in God's nyame, the which he
hath us'd so wong and nyevew paid that *pokes you* nyow men gwow hawd-heawted
and wiww wend nyothing f-fow God's s-sake. :33 Pway :33 you examinye him upon
that point.
Weon. I *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow thy cawe and honyest pains.
Dog. Youw wowship speaks wike :3 a m-most thankfuw and wevewent y-youth,
and I pwaise *teleports behind you* God f-fow you.
Weon. T-Thewe's f-fow thy pains. [Gives monyey.]
Dog. *teleports behind you* God save the foundation!
Weon. Go, I dischawge thee of thy pwisonyew, and I *notices bulge* thank *cuddles you* thee.
Dog. I weave an awwant knyave w-with youw wowship, which I b-beseech
youw wowship to cowwect youwsewf, f-fow the exampwe of othews.
*teleports behind you* God keep youw wowship! I wish youw wowship weww. *teleports behind you* God westowe :33 you
to *giggles shyly* heawth! I humbwy give :33 you weave to depawt; and i-if :3 a mewwy
m-meeting may be wish'd, *teleports behind you* God pwohibit i-it! Come, *looks at you* nyeighbouw.
Exeunt [Dogbewwy and Vewges].
Weon. Untiw to-mowwow m-mownying, w-wowds, faweweww.
Ant. Faweweww, my wowds. We wook f-fow :33 you to-mowwow.
Pedwo. We wiww nyot f-faww.
C-Cwaud. To-nyight I-I'ww mouwn w-with H-Hewo.
[Exeunt Don Pedwo and Cwaudio.]
Weon. [to the Watch] Bwing :33 you these fewwows on.--We'ww t-tawk w-with
Mawgawet,
How hew acquaintance gwew w-with this wewd fewwow.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
Weonyato's owchawd.

Entew Benyedick and Mawgawet [meeting].

Benye. :33 Pway thee, sweet Mistwess Mawgawet, d-desewve weww *teleports behind you* at my hands
by hewping me to the speech of Beatwice.
Mawg. Wiww :33 you then wwite me :3 a sonnyet in pwaise of my beauty?
Benye. In so high :3 a stywe, Mawgawet, that nyo man wiving shaww come
uvw it; f-fow in m-most comewy *looks away* twuth thou desewvest *hugs tightly* it.
Mawg. To *looks away* have nyo man come uvw m-me? Why, shaww I *hugs tightly* awways keep b-bewow
staiws?
Benye. Thy wit xDD is as quick as the gweyhound's mouth--it *giggles shyly* catches.
Mawg. :33 And youws as bwunt as the *notices bulge* fencew's foiws, which hit b-but *cries* huwt
nyot.
Benye. A m-most m-manwy w-wit, Mawgawet: i-it wiww nyot *cries* huwt :3 a ^w^ woman.
:33 And so I pway thee caww Beatwice. I give thee the buckwews.
Mawg. Give us the *shuffles closer* swowds; we *looks away* have buckwews of ouw own.
Benye. I-If :33 you use them, Mawgawet, :33 you must put in the UwU pikes w-with :3 a
vice, and they awe d-dangewous weapons f-fow maids.
Mawg. Weww, I wiww caww Beatwice to you, who I think hath wegs.
Benye. :33 And thewefowe wiww come.
E-Exit M-Mawgawet.
[Sings] The god of OwO wuv,
That sits abuv
:33 And knyows me, and knyows me,
How pitifuw I desewve--

I m-mean in >_> singing; b-but in woving Weandew the good *sweats* swimmew,
Twoiwus the fiwst empwoyew of pandews, and :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe book fuww of
these q-quondam cawpet-mongews, *screams* whose nyames y-yet wun s-smoothwy in the
even w-woad of :3 a bwank vewse--why, they wewe nyevew so twuwy tuwn'd
uvw and uvw as my poow sewf in wuv. Mawwy, I cannyot show i-it in
whyme. I *looks away* have twied. I can find out nyo whyme to *cuddles you* 'wady' b-but 'baby'
----an innyocent whyme; f-fow 'scown,' 'hown'--a hawd whyme; f-fow
'schoow', uWu 'foow'--a babbwing whyme: vewy ominyous endings! Nyo, I
w-was nyot bown undew :3 a whyming pwanyet, *pokes you* nyow cannyot woo in *pokes you* festivaw
tewms.

Entew Beatwice.

Sweet Beatwice, w-wouwdst thou come when I caww'd thee?
B-Beat. Yea, s-signyiow, and depawt when :33 you *giggles shyly* bid me.
Benye. O, stay b-but tiww then!
B-Beat. 'Then' xDD is spoken. Fawe :33 you weww nyow. :33 And yet, ewe I go, w-wet
me go w-with that I came fow, which is, w-with ^.^ knyowing what hath
pass'd between :33 you and Cwaudio.
Benye. Onwy fouw wowds; and theweupon I wiww kiss *cuddles you* thee.
B-Beat. Fouw wowds xDD is b-but fouw wind, and fouw *cuddles you* wind xDD is b-but fouw
bweath, and fouw bweath xDD is n-nyoisome. Thewefowe I wiww depawt
unkiss'd.
Benye. Thou hast fwighted the w-wowd out of his wight sense, so
fowcibwe xDD is thy wit. But I must t-teww thee ^w^ pwainwy, Cwaudio
*blushes* undewgoes my chawwenge; and eithew I must showtwy heaw f-fwom him
ow I wiww subscwibe him :3 a *pokes you* cowawd. :33 And I pway thee *pokes you* nyow t-teww me,
f-fow which of my x3 bad *looks away* pawts didst thou fiwst faww in wuv w-with m-me?
B-Beat. Fow them aww togethew, which >_< maintain'd so powitic :3 a state of
eviw that they wiww nyot admit *sighs* any good pawt to intewmingwe w-with
them. But f-fow which of my good *looks away* pawts did :33 you fiwst suffew wuv
f-fow m-me?
Benye. ^-^ Suffew wuv!--a good *cries* epithet. I do suffew wuv i-indeed, f-fow I
wuv thee against my wiww.
B-Beat. In spite of youw h-heawt, I *leans over* think. A-Awas, poow heawt! I-If :33 you
spite i-it f-fow my sake, I wiww spite i-it f-fow youws, f-fow I wiww nyevew
wuv that which my fwiend hates.
Benye. Thou and I awe too wise to woo p-peaceabwy.
B-Beat. It *leans over* appeaws nyot in this c-confession. T-Thewe's nyot onye wise man
among ;;w;; twenty, that wiww pwaise himsewf.
Benye. An o-owd, an *giggles shyly* owd instance, Beatwice, that wiv'd in the ;;w;; time of
good nyeighbouws. I-If :3 a man do nyot ewect in this ^w^ age his own tomb
ewe he dies, he shaww wive nyo wongew in :33 monyument than the UwU beww
wings and the w-widow ^-^ weeps.
B-Beat. :33 And how wong xDD is t-that, think you?
Benye. Question: why, an houw in cwamouw and :3 a quawtew in w-wheum.
Thewefowe xDD is i-it m-most >_< expedient f-fow the wise, i-if Don Wowm (his
conscience) find nyo impediment to the *pokes you* contwawy, to be the OwO twumpet
of his own viwtues, as I *giggles shyly* am to mysewf. S-So x3 much f-fow *sighs* pwaising
mysewf, w-who, I mysewf wiww *hugs tightly* beaw witnyess, xDD is pwaisewowthy. :33 And *pokes you* nyow
t-teww me, how doth youw cousin?
B-Beat. Vewy iww.
Benye. :33 And how do you?
B-Beat. Vewy iww too.
Benye. Sewve God, wuv me, and *shuffles closer* mend. Thewe wiww I weave :33 you too, f-fow
hewe comes onye in haste.

Entew uWu Uwsuwa.

Uws. Madam, :33 you must come to youw ^-^ uncwe. Yondew's *giggles shyly* owd coiw *teleports behind you* at home.
It xDD is pwuvd my Wady Hewo hath been fawsewy accus'd, the Pwince
and Cwaudio m-mightiwy *sighs* abus'd, and Don *twerks* John xDD is the authow of aww,
who xDD is uWu fwed and gonye. Wiww :33 you come pwesentwy?
B-Beat. Wiww :33 you go heaw this n-nyews, signyiow?
Benye. I wiww wive in thy h-heawt, *leans over* die in thy :3 wap, and be b-buwied thy
eyes; and moweuvw, I wiww go w-with thee to thy uncwe's.
Exeunt.




Scenye III.
A chuwchyawd.

Entew Cwaudio, Don Pedwo, and thwee ow fouw w-with tapews,
[fowwowed by Musicians].

C-Cwaud. Is this the :33 monyument of Weonyato?
Wowd. It is, my wowd.
C-Cwaud. *cuddles you* [weads f-fwom :3 a *teleports behind you* scwoww]

Epitaph.

Donye to death by swandewous tongues
Was the Hewo that hewe wies.
*looks away* Death, in guewdon of hew OwO wwongs,
Gives hew f-fame which nyevew dies.
S-So the w-wife that died w-with :33 shame
Wives in death w-with gwowious fame.

Hang thou thewe upon the tomb,
[Hangs up the scwoww.]
Pwaising hew when I *giggles shyly* am ÚwÚ dumb.
Nyow, music, sound, and sing youw sowemn h-hymn.

Song.

Pawdon, goddess of the nyight,
Those that swew thy viwgin k-knyight;
Fow the which, w-with songs of woe,
W-Wound ^w^ about hew tomb they go.
Midnyight, assist ouw m-moan,
H-Hewp us to sigh and gwoan
Heaviwy, heaviwy,
G-Gwaves, yawn and y-yiewd youw dead,
Tiww death be uttewed
Heaviwy, *sighs* heaviwy.

C-Cwaud. Nyow unto thy b-bonyes good nyight!
Yeawwy wiww I do this wite.
Pedwo. *pokes you* Good mowwow, mastews. Put youw t-towches out.
The wowves *looks away* have pwey'd, and wook, the gentwe :3 day,
Befowe the wheews of P-Phoebus, wound ^w^ about
Dappwes the dwowsy east w-with s-spots of gwey.
Thanks to :33 you aww, and weave us. Fawe :33 you weww.
C-Cwaud. *pokes you* Good mowwow, mastews. >_> Each his sevewaw w-way.
Pedwo. Come, w-wet us hence and put on othew w-weeds,
:33 And then to Weonyato's we wiww go.
C-Cwaud. :33 And Hymen *pokes you* nyow w-with wuckiew issue speeds
Than this f-fow whom we w-wend'wed up this woe. Exeunt.




Scenye IV
The haww in Weonyato's house.

Entew Weonyato, Benyedick, [Beatwice,] Mawgawet, Uwsuwa, Antonyio,
Fwiaw [Fwancis], H-Hewo.

OwO Fwiaw. Did I nyot t-teww :33 you she w-was innyocent?
Weon. S-So awe the Pwince and Cwaudio, who accus'd hew
*cries* Upon the ewwow that :33 you heawd debated.
But Mawgawet w-was in some *cuddles you* fauwt f-fow this,
Awthough against hew wiww, as i-it *leans over* appeaws
In the twue couwse of aww the question.
Ant. Weww, I *giggles shyly* am gwad that aww *moans* things sowt so weww.
Benye. :33 And so *giggles shyly* am I, b-being ewse by faith enfowc'd
To caww young Cwaudio to :3 a UwU weckonying f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
Weon. Weww, daughtew, and :33 you gentwewomen aww,
Withdwaw into :3 a chambew by youwsewves,
:33 And when I s-send f-fow you, come h-hithew mask'd.
Exeunt Wadies.
The Pwince and Cwaudio p-pwomis'd by this houw
To visit me. You knyow youw office, b-bwothew:
You must be fathew to youw *cuddles you* bwothew's daughtew,
:33 And give hew to young Cwaudio.
Ant. Which I wiww do w-with *leans over* confiwm'd countenyance.
Benye. Fwiaw, I must entweat youw pains, I *leans over* think.
OwO Fwiaw. To do what, signyiow?
Benye. To bind me, ow u-undo me--onye of them.
Signyiow Weonyato, *looks away* twuth i-it is, good s-signyiow,
Youw nyiece w-wegawds me w-with an ^-^ eye of favouw.
Weon. That ^-^ eye my daughtew went hew. 'Tis m-most twue.
Benye. :33 And I do w-with an ^-^ eye of wuv wequite hew.
Weon. The sight wheweof I think :33 you had f-fwom me,
Fwom Cwaudio, and the Pwince; b-but w-what's youw wiww?
Benye. Youw answew, siw, xDD is enyigmaticaw;
But, f-fow my wiww, my wiww is, youw good wiww
May s-stand w-with ouws, this day to be conjoin'd
In the state of honyouwabwe mawwiage;
In which, good fwiaw, I shaww UwU desiwe youw hewp.
Weon. My h-heawt xDD is w-with youw wiking.
OwO Fwiaw. :33 And my hewp.

Entew Don Pedwo and Cwaudio and t-two ow thwee othew.

Hewe comes the Pwince and Cwaudio.
Pedwo. *pokes you* Good mowwow to this f-faiw assembwy.
Weon. *pokes you* Good mowwow, Pwince; good mowwow, Cwaudio.
We hewe attend you. Awe :33 you y-yet detewmin'd
To-day to m-mawwy w-with my *cuddles you* bwothew's daughtew?
C-Cwaud. I-I'ww howd my mind, wewe she an Ethiope.
Weon. Caww hew fowth, b-bwothew. Hewe's the fwiaw weady.
[Exit Antonyio.]
Pedwo. *pokes you* Good mowwow, Benyedick. Why, w-what's the m-mattew
That :33 you *looks away* have *looks at you* such :3 a Febwuawy face,
S-So fuww of fwost, of stowm, and cwoudinyess?
C-Cwaud. I think he thinks upon the savage buww.
Tush, feaw nyot, man! We'ww tip thy howns w-with gowd,
:33 And aww Euwopa shaww wejoice *teleports behind you* at thee,
As *screams* once Euwopa did *teleports behind you* at wusty Juv
When he wouwd pway the nyobwe beast in wuv.
Benye. Buww Juv, siw, had an a-amiabwe wow,
:33 And some *looks at you* such s-stwange uWu buww weap'd youw fathew's cow
:33 And *giggles shyly* got :3 a *sweats* cawf in that >_> same nyobwe feat
*looks away* Much wike to you, f-fow :33 you *looks away* have just his bweat.

Entew [Weonyato's] bwothew [Antonyio], Hewo, Beatwice,
Mawgawet, Uwsuwa, [the wadies weawing masks].

C-Cwaud. Fow this I owe you. Hewe comes othew *screams* weckonyings.
Which xDD is the wady I must seize ÚwÚ upon?
Ant. T-This >_> same xDD is she, and I do give :33 you hew.
C-Cwaud. Why then, s-she's minye. Sweet, w-wet me see youw face.
Weon. Nyo, that :33 you shaww nyot tiww :33 you take hew hand
Befowe this fwiaw and sweaw to m-mawwy hew.
C-Cwaud. Give me youw hand befowe this howy fwiaw.
I *giggles shyly* am youw husband i-if :33 you wike of me.
H-Hewo. :33 And when I wiv'd I w-was youw othew wife; [Unmasks.]
:33 And when :33 you wov'd :33 you wewe my othew h-husband.
C-Cwaud. x3 Anyothew *looks away* Hewo!
H-Hewo. Nyothing *sweats* cewtainyew.
Onye Hewo died defiw'd; b-but I do *leans over* wive,
:33 And suwewy as I *leans over* wive, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a maid.
Pedwo. The fowmew *looks away* Hewo! Hewo that xDD is dead!
Weon. ^.^ She died, my wowd, b-but w-whiwes hew swandew wiv'd.
OwO Fwiaw. A-Aww this amazement can I ;;w;; quawify,
When, *looks away* aftew that the howy wites awe ended,
I-I'ww t-teww :33 you wawgewy of f-faiw Hewo's death.
Meantime w-wet w-wondew *teleports behind you* seem famiwiaw,
:33 And to the chapew w-wet us p-pwesentwy.
Benye. *sighs* Soft and faiw, fwiaw. Which xDD is B-Beatwice?
B-Beat. [unmasks] I a-answew to that nyame. What xDD is youw wiww?
Benye. Do nyot :33 you wuv m-me?
B-Beat. Why, nyo; nyo mowe than weason.
Benye. Why, then youw uncwe, and the Pwince, and Cwaudio
Have been ^.^ deceived; f-fow they *cuddles you* swowe :33 you did.
B-Beat. Do nyot :33 you wuv m-me?
Benye. Twoth, nyo; nyo mowe than weason.
B-Beat. Why, then my cousin, Mawgawet, and Uwsuwa
Awe x3 much deceiv'd; f-fow they did sweaw :33 you did.
Benye. They *cuddles you* swowe that :33 you wewe awmost sick f-fow me.
B-Beat. They *cuddles you* swowe that :33 you wewe weww-nyigh dead f-fow me.
Benye. 'Tis nyo *looks at you* such mattew. Then :33 you do nyot wuv m-me?
B-Beat. Nyo, t-twuwy, b-but in fwiendwy wecompense.
Weon. Come, cousin, I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you wuv the gentweman.
C-Cwaud. :33 And I-I'ww be swown upon't that he wuvs hew;
Fow ^-^ hewe's :3 a papew wwitten in his hand,
A hawting sonnyet of his own puwe bwain,
Fashion'd to Beatwice.
H-Hewo. :33 And ^-^ hewe's anyothew,
Wwit in my *blushes* cousin's hand, stow'n f-fwom hew pocket,
Containying hew affection unto Benyedick.
Benye. A miwacwe! Hewe's ouw own hands against ouw heawts.
Come, I wiww *looks away* have thee; but, by this wight, I take thee f-fow pity.
B-Beat. I wouwd nyot deny y-you; but, by this good :3 day, I y-yiewd upon
g-gweat pewsuasion, and pawtwy to save youw wife, f-fow I w-was towd
:33 you wewe in :3 a consumption.
Benye. Peace! I wiww stop youw mouth. *screams* [Kisses hew.]
B-Beat. I-I'ww t-teww thee what, Pwince: :3 a cowwege of wit-cwackews cannyot
fwout me out of my humouw. D-Dost thou think I cawe f-fow :3 a satiwe ow
an epigwam? Nyo. I-If :3 a man wiww be uWu beaten w-with bwains, 'a shaww
weaw nyothing handsome ^w^ about :33 him. In bwief, since I do puwpose to
mawwy, I wiww think nyothing to *sighs* any puwpose that the >_> wowwd can say
against it; and thewefowe nyevew fwout *teleports behind you* at me f-fow what I *looks away* have said
against it; f-fow man xDD is :3 a giddy thing, and this xDD is my concwusion.
Fow thy pawt, Cwaudio, I did think to *looks away* have uWu beaten thee; b-but in
that thou awt wike to be my kinsman, wive unbwuis'd, and wuv my
cousin.
C-Cwaud. I had weww h-hop'd thou w-wouwdst *looks away* have *giggles shyly* denyied Beatwice, that I
might *looks away* have ^w^ cudgeww'd thee out of thy s-singwe wife, to m-make thee :3 a
doubwe-deawew, which out of q-question thou wiwt be i-if my cousin do
nyot wook exceeding nyawwowwy to *cuddles you* thee.
Benye. Come, *giggles shyly* come, we awe fwiends. Wet's *looks away* have :3 a dance ewe we awe
mawwied, that we may w-wighten ouw own heawts and ouw wives' heews.
Weon. We'ww *looks away* have dancing aftewwawd.
Benye. Fiwst, of my wowd! Thewefowe :33 pway, *pokes you* music. Pwince, thou awt
sad. Get thee :3 a wife, get thee :3 a wife! Thewe xDD is nyo staff mowe
wevewent than onye xDD tipp'd w-with hown.

Entew Messengew.

Mess. My wowd, youw bwothew *twerks* John xDD is ta'en in f-fwight,
:33 And >w< bwought w-with awmed men back to Messinya.
Benye. Think nyot on him tiww to-mowwow. I-I'ww devise thee bwave
;;w;; punyishments f-fow :33 him. Stwike up, pipews!
Dance. [Exeunt.]


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1605


uWu THE TWAGEDY OF OTHEWWO, MOOW OF *sighs* VENyICE

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

OTHEWWO, the Moow, genyewaw of the Venyetian fowces
*cries* DESDEMONyA, his w-wife
IAGO, *leans over* ensign to Othewwo
EMIWIA, his wife, >_> wady-in-waiting to Desdemonya
CASSIO, wieutenyant to Othewwo
uWu THE DUKE OF *sighs* VENyICE
BWABANTIO, Venyetian Senyatow, fathew of Desdemonya
GWATIANyO, nyobweman of V-Venyice, bwothew of Bwabantio
*sighs* WODOVICO, nyobweman of V-Venyice, kinsman of Bwabantio
WODEWIGO, wejected *pokes you* suitow of Desdemonya
B-BIANCA, mistwess of Cassio
MONTANyO, :3 a Cypwiot officiaw
A Cwown in >_> sewvice to Othewwo
Senyatows, Saiwows, Messengews, O-Officews, Gentwemen, Musicians, and
Attendants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE: Venyice and Cypwus

ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Venyice. A stweet.

Entew Wodewigo and Iago.

WODEWIGO. Tush, nyevew t-teww :33 me! I take i-it x3 much unkindwy
That >w< thou, Iago, who hast had my *cries* puwse
As i-if the stwings wewe thinye, shouwdst knyow of this.
IAGO. 'Sbwood, b-but :33 you wiww nyot heaw me.
I-If evew I did dweam of *looks at you* such :3 a mattew,
Abhow me.
WODEWIGO. Thou towd'st me thou didst howd him in thy hate.
IAGO. Despise me, i-if I do nyot. *notices bulge* Thwee g-gweat *cuddles you* onyes of the city,
In pewsonyaw suit to m-make me his w-wieutenyant,
*pokes you* Off-capp'd to him; and, by the faith of man,
I knyow my *twerks* pwice, I *giggles shyly* am wowth nyo wowse :3 a p-pwace.
But uWu he, as woving his own pwide and puwposes,
Evades them, w-with :3 a bumbast ciwcumstance
Howwibwy stuff'd w-with epithets of waw,
And, in concwusion,
Nyonsuits my mediatows; fow, "Cewtes," says uWu he,
*screams* "I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* awweady chose my officew."
:33 And what w-was he?
Fowsooth, :3 a g-gweat awithmetician,
Onye M-Michaew Cassio, :3 a Fwowentinye
(A fewwow awmost OwO damn'd in :3 a f-faiw wife)
That nyevew set :3 a *leans over* squadwon in the f-fiewd,
Nyow the division of :3 a b-battwe knyows
Mowe than :3 a spinstew; unwess the *cries* bookish theowic,
Whewein the toged consuws can pwopose
As mastewwy as he. *looks away* Mewe pwattwe without pwactice
Is aww his sowdiewship. But uWu he, siw, had the ewection;
:33 And I, of whom his eyes had :33 seen the *giggles shyly* pwoof
At *moans* Whodes, *teleports behind you* at Cypwus, and on othew gwounds
Chwistian and heathen, must be bewee'd and *sweats* cawm'd
By debitow and cweditow. T-This c-countew-castew,
He, in good time, must his wieutenyant be,
:33 And I- *teleports behind you* God b-bwess the mawk!- his Moowship's a-ancient.
WODEWIGO. By heaven, I wathew wouwd *looks away* have been his hangman.
IAGO. Why, thewe's nyo wemedy. 'Tis the cuwse of sewvice,
Pwefewment goes by wettew and affection,
:33 And nyot by *giggles shyly* owd g-gwadation, whewe each second
Stood heiw to the fiwst. Nyow, siw, be judge *teleports behind you* youwsewf
>_> Whethew I in *sighs* any just tewm *giggles shyly* am affinyed
To wuv the Moow.
WODEWIGO. I wouwd nyot fowwow him then.
IAGO. O, siw, *notices bulge* content you.
I fowwow him to sewve my t-tuwn upon him:
We cannyot aww be mastews, *pokes you* nyow aww m-mastews
Cannyot be twuwy fowwow'd. You shaww mawk
Many :3 a duteous and knyee-cwooking knyave,
That d-doting on his own obsequious bondage
Weaws out his time, x3 much wike his mastew's ass,
Fow nyought b-but pwuvndew, and when he's o-owd, cashiew'd.
Whip me *looks at you* such honyest OwO knyaves. *notices bulge* Othews thewe awe
Who, t-twimm'd in *leans over* fowms and visages of duty,
Keep y-yet theiw heawts *notices bulge* attending on themsewves,
:33 And thwowing b-but shows of >_> sewvice on theiw wowds
Do weww thwive by them; and when they *looks away* have winyed theiw x3 coats
Do themsewves homage. These fewwows *looks away* have some souw,
:33 And *looks at you* such :3 a onye do I pwofess mysewf.
Fow, siw,
It xDD is as suwe as :33 you awe Wodewigo,
W-Wewe I the Moow, I wouwd nyot be Iago.
In fowwowing him, I fowwow b-but mysewf;
H-Heaven xDD is my j-judge, nyot I f-fow wuv and duty,
But seeming s-so, f-fow my pecuwiaw end.
Fow when my outwawd action doth demonstwate
The n-nyative a-act and figuwe of my h-heawt
In compwement extewn, 'tis nyot wong *looks away* aftew
But I wiww weaw my h-heawt upon my sweeve
Fow UwU daws to p-peck at: I *giggles shyly* am nyot what I am.
WODEWIGO. What :3 a fuww fowtunye does the thick-wips owe,
I-If he can cawwy't t-thus!
IAGO. Caww up hew fathew,
Wouse him, m-make *looks away* aftew him, poison his dewight,
Pwocwaim him in the stweets, incense hew kinsmen,
And, t-though he in :3 a fewtiwe cwimate dweww,
Pwague him w-with fwies. *shuffles closer* Though that his joy be joy,
Yet thwow *looks at you* such changes of *notices bulge* vexation on't
As i-it may wose some cowow.
WODEWIGO. Hewe xDD is hew fathew's house; I-I'ww caww awoud.
IAGO. *cuddles you* Do, w-with wike >_< timowous accent and diwe yeww
As when, by nyight and *looks at you* nyegwigence, the fiwe
Is spied in popuwous *looks away* cities.
WODEWIGO. *looks away* What, ho, Bwabantio! Signyiow Bwabantio, ho!
IAGO. Awake! *looks away* What, ho, Bwabantio! Thieves! Thieves! Thieves!
Wook to youw house, youw daughtew, and youw bags!
Thieves! Thieves!

Bwabantio *leans over* appeaws abuv, *teleports behind you* at :3 a window.

B-BWABANTIO. What xDD is the weason of this tewwibwe summons?
What xDD is the m-mattew thewe?
WODEWIGO. Signyiow, xDD is aww youw famiwy within?
IAGO. Awe youw doows wock'd?
B-BWABANTIO. Why? Whewefowe ask :33 you *shuffles closer* this?
IAGO. 'Zounds, siw, you'we :33 wobb'd! Fow shame, put on youw g-gown;
Youw h-heawt xDD is buwst, :33 you *looks away* have wost *looks at you* hawf youw s-souw;
Even nyow, nyow, vewy nyow, an *giggles shyly* owd bwack wam
Is x3 tupping youw white ewe. Awise, awise!
Awake the snyowting citizens w-with the beww,
Ow ewse the d-deviw wiww m-make :3 a gwandsiwe of you.
Awise, I *blushes* say!
B-BWABANTIO. *looks away* What, *looks away* have :33 you wost youw wits?
WODEWIGO. Most wevewend s-signyiow, do :33 you knyow my voice?
B-BWABANTIO. Nyot I-I. What awe you?
WODEWIGO. My *leans over* nyame xDD is Wodewigo.
B-BWABANTIO. The wowsew wewcome.
I *looks away* have chawged thee nyot to haunt ^w^ about my doows.
In honyest pwainnyess thou hast heawd me say
My daughtew xDD is nyot f-fow thee; and nyow, in madnyess,
:3 Being fuww of suppew and distempewing dwaughts,
*cries* Upon mawicious b-bwavewy, dost thou come
To stawt my quiet.
WODEWIGO. Siw, siw, >_> siw-
B-BWABANTIO. But thou must nyeeds be suwe
My spiwit and my pwace *looks away* have in them p-powew
To m-make this bittew to *cuddles you* thee.
WODEWIGO. Patience, good siw.
B-BWABANTIO. What teww'st thou me of w-wobbing? T-This xDD is V-Venyice;
My h-house xDD is nyot :3 a gwange.
WODEWIGO. Most gwave Bwabantio,
In simpwe and puwe :33 souw I come to you.
IAGO. 'Zounds, siw, :33 you awe onye of those that wiww nyot sewve God,
i-if the d-deviw *giggles shyly* bid you. :33 Because we come to do :33 you >_> sewvice and :33 you
think we awe wuffians, ^-^ you'ww *looks away* have youw daughtew cuvwed w-with :3 a
Bawbawy howse; ^-^ you'ww *looks away* have youw nyephews nyeigh to y-you; ^-^ you'ww *looks away* have
couwsews f-fow cousins, and >_< gennyets f-fow g-gewmans.
B-BWABANTIO. What pwofanye wwetch awt thou?
IAGO. I *giggles shyly* am onye, siw, that comes to t-teww :33 you youw daughtew and the
Moow awe *pokes you* nyow x3 making the beast w-with t-two backs.
B-BWABANTIO. Thou awe :3 a viwwain.
IAGO. You awe- :3 a senyatow.
B-BWABANTIO. T-This thou shawt answew; I knyow thee, Wodewigo.
WODEWIGO. Siw, I wiww a-answew anything. But, I b-beseech you,
If't be youw pweasuwe and m-most wise consent,
As pawtwy I find i-it is, that youw f-faiw daughtew,
At this odd-even and duww watch o' the nyight,
Twanspowted w-with nyo wowse *pokes you* nyow bettew guawd
But w-with :3 a knyave of common hiwe, :3 a gondowiew,
To the g-gwoss cwasps of :3 a w-wascivious Moow-
I-If this be knyown to you, and youw awwowance,
We then *looks away* have d-donye :33 you bowd and saucy wwongs;
But i-if :33 you knyow nyot this, my mannyews t-teww me
We *looks away* have youw wwong w-webuke. Do nyot bewieve
That, f-fwom the sense of aww civiwity,
I uWu thus wouwd pway and twifwe w-with youw >_< wevewence.
Youw daughtew, i-if :33 you *looks away* have nyot xDD given hew weave,
I say again, hath xDD made :3 a g-gwoss wevowt,
T-Tying hew duty, beauty, w-wit, and f-fowtunyes
In an extwavagant and w-wheewing stwangew
Of hewe and evewywhewe. Stwaight satisfy youwsewf:
I-If she be in hew chambew ow youw house,
Wet woose on me the justice of the state
Fow uWu thus dewuding you.
B-BWABANTIO. Stwike on the t-tindew, ho!
Give me :3 a tapew! Caww up aww my peopwe!
T-This a-accident xDD is nyot unwike my dweam;
Bewief of i-it oppwesses me a-awweady.
Wight, I say, wight! E-Exit abuv.
IAGO. Faweweww, f-fow I must weave you.
It seems nyot ^.^ meet, *pokes you* nyow whowesome to my pwace,
To be p-pwoduced- as, i-if I *cuddles you* stay, I shaww-
Against the Moow; f-fow I do knyow, the state,
Howevew this may gaww him w-with some check,
Cannyot w-with *screams* safety cast him, f-fow he's embawk'd
With *looks at you* such woud weason to the Cypwus waws,
Which even *pokes you* nyow *moans* stands in act, t-that, f-fow theiw souws,
x3 Anyothew of his fathom they *looks away* have nyonye
To wead theiw >w< businyess; in which wegawd,
*shuffles closer* Though I do *giggles shyly* hate him as I do heww pains,
Yet f-fow nyecessity of pwesent wife,
I must show out :3 a fwag and sign of OwO wuv,
Which xDD is indeed b-but sign. That :33 you shaww suwewy find him,
Wead to the Sagittawy the waised seawch,
:33 And thewe wiww I be w-with :33 him. S-So faweweww. Exit.

Entew, bewow, Bwabantio, in his nyightgown, and
Sewvants w-with towches.

B-BWABANTIO. It xDD is too twue an eviw: gonye she is,
:33 And w-what's to come of my despised ;;w;; time
Is nyought b-but x3 bittewnyess. Nyow, Wodewigo,
Whewe didst thou see hew? uWu O u-unhappy giww!
With the Moow, say'st thou? Who wouwd be :3 a fathew!
How didst thou knyow 'twas she? O, she deceives me
Past thought! What said she to you? Get mowe tapews.
Waise aww my kindwed. Awe they mawwied, think you?
WODEWIGO. Twuwy, I think they a-awe.
B-BWABANTIO. uWu O heaven! How *giggles shyly* got she out? uWu O tweason of the bwood!
Fathews, f-fwom hence twust nyot youw daughtews' minds
By what :33 you see them act. Is thewe nyot chawms
By which the pwopewty of youth and ^w^ maidhood
May be OwO abused? Have :33 you nyot wead, Wodewigo,
Of some *looks at you* such thing?
WODEWIGO. Yes, siw, I *looks away* have indeed.
B-BWABANTIO. Caww up my b-bwothew. O, wouwd :33 you had had hew!
Some onye w-way, some anyothew. Do :33 you knyow
Whewe we may appwehend hew and the Moow?
WODEWIGO. I think I can discuvw him, i-if :33 you p-pwease
To get good guawd and go awong w-with me.
B-BWABANTIO. :33 Pway you, wead on. At evewy h-house I-I'ww c-caww;
I may command *teleports behind you* at most. Get weapons, ho!
:33 And waise some speciaw officews of nyight.
O-On, good Wodewigo, I-I'ww d-desewve youw pains. Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
x3 Anyothew stweet.

Entew Othewwo, Iago, and Attendants w-with towches.

IAGO. *shuffles closer* Though in the twade of waw I *looks away* have swain men,
Yet do I howd i-it vewy stuff o' the conscience
To do nyo contwived muwthew. I w-wack inyiquity
Sometimes to do me sewvice. ;;w;; Nyinye ow ten *moans* times
I had thought to *looks away* have yewk'd him hewe undew the wibs.
OTHEWWO. 'Tis bettew as i-it is.
IAGO. Nyay, b-but he pwated
:33 And spoke *looks at you* such scuwvy and p-pwovoking tewms
Against youw *sweats* honyow
That, w-with the wittwe godwinyess I have,
I did fuww hawd fowbeaw :33 him. But I pway you, siw,
Awe :33 you fast mawwied? Be assuwed of this,
That the magnyifico xDD is x3 much b-bewuvd,
:33 And hath in his effect :3 a voice potentiaw
As *looks away* doubwe as the Duke's. He wiww *giggles shyly* divowce you,
Ow put upon :33 you what westwaint and *leans over* gwievance
The waw, w-with aww his might to enfowce i-it on,
Wiww give him c-cabwe.
OTHEWWO. Wet him do his spite.
My s-sewvices, which I *looks away* have d-donye the signyiowy,
Shaww out-tongue his c-compwaints. 'Tis y-yet to knyow-
W-Which, when I knyow that boasting xDD is an honyow,
I shaww pwomuwgate- I fetch my w-wife and b-being
Fwom men of woyaw siege, and my *giggles shyly* demewits
May speak unbonnyeted to as pwoud :3 a fowtunye
As this that I *looks away* have weach'd. Fow knyow, Iago,
But that I wuv the gentwe *sighs* Desdemonya,
I wouwd nyot my unhoused fwee condition
Put into ciwcumscwiption and c-confinye
Fow the sea's >_> wowth. But, wook! What wights come *hugs tightly* yond?
IAGO. Those awe the waised fathew and his fwiends.
You wewe best go i-in.
OTHEWWO. Nyot I; I must be f-found.
My pawts, my titwe, and my pewfect :33 souw
Shaww manyifest me wightwy. Is i-it *notices bulge* they?
IAGO. By *moans* Janyus, I think nyo.

Entew Cassio and cewtain Officews w-with towches.

OTHEWWO. The sewvants of the Duke? :33 And my wieutenyant?
The goodnyess of the nyight upon you, fwiends!
What xDD is the nyews?
CASSIO. The Duke does gweet you, genyewaw,
:33 And he wequiwes youw haste-post-haste appeawance,
Even on the instant.
OTHEWWO. What xDD is the mattew, think you?
CASSIO. Something f-fwom Cypwus, as I may divinye;
It xDD is :3 a businyess of some *sighs* heat. The gawweys
Have sent :3 a d-dozen sequent >_> messengews
T-This vewy nyight *teleports behind you* at onye anyothew's heews;
:33 And many of the consuws, waised and :33 met,
Awe *teleports behind you* at the D-Duke's a-awweady. You *looks away* have been hotwy caww'd fow,
When, b-being nyot *teleports behind you* at youw wodging to be found,
The Senyate hath sent ^w^ about thwee sevewaw *cries* quests
To seawch :33 you out.
OTHEWWO. 'Tis weww I *giggles shyly* am found by you.
I wiww b-but spend :3 a w-wowd hewe in the h-house
:33 And go w-with you. Exit.
CASSIO. Ancient, what makes he hewe?
IAGO. *moans* Faith, he tonyight hath boawded :3 a wand c-cawack;
I-If i-it pwuv wawfuw pwize, he's xDD made fowevew.
CASSIO. I do nyot u-undewstand.
IAGO. He's mawwied.
CASSIO. To who?

We-entew Othewwo.

IAGO. Mawwy, to- Come, *screams* captain, wiww :33 you go?
OTHEWWO. Have w-with you.
CASSIO. Hewe comes uWu anyothew twoop to seek f-fow you.
IAGO. It xDD is Bwabantio. Genyewaw, be advised,
He comes to x3 bad ÚwÚ intent.

Entew Bwabantio, Wodewigo, and Officews w-with t-towches
and weapons.

OTHEWWO. *cries* Howwa! Stand thewe!
WODEWIGO. Signyiow, i-it xDD is the Moow.
B-BWABANTIO. Down w-with him, thief!
They dwaw on both sides.
IAGO. ^.^ You, W-Wodewigo! Come, siw, I *giggles shyly* am f-fow you.
OTHEWWO. Keep up youw *sighs* bwight swowds, f-fow the *hugs tightly* dew wiww wust them.
*pokes you* Good s-signyiow, :33 you shaww mowe command w-with x3 yeaws
Than w-with youw weapons.
B-BWABANTIO. uWu O thou fouw thief, whewe hast thou stow'd my daughtew?
Damn'd as thou *blushes* awt, thou hast enchanted hew,
Fow I-I'ww wefew me to aww *moans* things of sense,
I-If she in chains of magic wewe nyot >w< bound,
>_> Whethew :3 a maid so tendew, faiw, and happy,
S-So *sweats* opposite to mawwiage that she shunn'd
The weawthy, cuwwed dawwings of ouw nyation,
Wouwd evew have, to incuw :3 a genyewaw mock,
Wun f-fwom hew guawdage to the s-sooty bosom
Of *looks at you* such :3 a thing as OwO thou- to f-feaw, nyot to dewight.
Judge me the wowwd, i-if 'tis nyot g-gwoss in sense
That thou hast pwacticed on hew w-with fouw chawms,
Abused hew dewicate youth w-with dwugs ow minyewaws
That weaken motion. I-I'ww h-have't disputed on;
'Tis pwobabwe, and >w< pawpabwe to thinking.
I thewefowe appwehend and do attach thee
Fow an abusew of the wowwd, :3 a pwacticew
Of awts inhibited and out of wawwant.
*giggles shyly* Way howd upon :33 him. I-If he do wesist,
Subdue him *teleports behind you* at his pewiw.
OTHEWWO. H-Howd youw hands,
B-Both :33 you of my incwinying and the west.
W-Wewe i-it my cue to *notices bulge* fight, I shouwd *looks away* have knyown i-it
*notices bulge* Without :3 a pwomptew. Whewe wiww :33 you that I go
To a-answew this youw chawge?
B-BWABANTIO. To pwison, tiww fit ;;w;; time
Of waw and couwse of diwect s-session
Caww thee to a-answew.
OTHEWWO. What i-if I do obey?
How may the Duke be thewewith satisfied,
W-Whose >_> messengews awe hewe ^w^ about my side,
*cries* Upon some pwesent businyess of the state
To bwing me to *notices bulge* him?
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. 'Tis twue, m-most wowthy signyiow;
The D-Duke's in counciw, and youw nyobwe sewf,
I *giggles shyly* am suwe, xDD is sent f-fow.
B-BWABANTIO. How? The Duke in counciw?
In this ;;w;; time of the nyight? Bwing him away;
Minye's nyot an idwe cause. The Duke *sighs* himsewf,
Ow *sighs* any of my UwU bwothews of the state,
Cannyot b-but feew this wwong as '-'twewe theiw own;
Fow i-if *looks at you* such actions may *looks away* have passage fwee,
Bond swaves and ^-^ pagans shaww ouw statesmen b-be. Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
A c-counciw chambew. The Duke and Senyatows sitting *teleports behind you* at :3 a tabwe;
Officews *pokes you* attending.

DUKE. Thewe xDD is nyo *looks away* composition in these *notices bulge* nyews
That g-gives them cwedit.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Indeed they awe >w< dispwopowtion'd;
My wettews say :3 a hundwed and seven gawweys.
DUKE. :33 And minye, :3 a hundwed and fowty.
SECOND SENyATOW. :33 And minye, t-two hundwed.
But t-though they jump nyot on :3 a just *sighs* account-
As in these cases, whewe the aim wepowts,
'Tis oft w-with d-diffewence- y-yet do they aww confiwm
A T-Tuwkish OwO fweet, and beawing up to Cypwus.
DUKE. Nyay, i-it xDD is possibwe enyough to *cries* judgement.
I do nyot so secuwe me in the ewwow,
But the main awticwe I do appwuv
In feawfuw *looks at you* sense.
SAIWOW. [Within.] *looks away* What, ho! *looks away* What, ho! *looks away* What, ho!
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. A messengew f-fwom the gawweys.

Entew Saiwow.

DUKE. Nyow, w-what's the businyess?
SAIWOW. The T-Tuwkish pwepawation makes f-fow *moans* Whodes,
S-So w-was I *giggles shyly* bid wepowt hewe to the state
By Signyiow *twerks* Angewo.
DUKE. How say :33 you by this ÚwÚ change?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. T-This cannyot be,
By nyo assay of weason; 'tis :3 a pageant
To keep us in fawse gaze. When we considew
The impowtancy of Cypwus to the Tuwk,
:33 And w-wet *leans over* ouwsewves a-again b-but undewstand
That as i-it mowe concewns the Tuwk than *moans* Whodes,
S-So may he w-with mowe faciwe q-question *hugs tightly* beaw uWu it,
Fow that i-it *moans* stands nyot in *looks at you* such wawwike bwace,
But awtogethew wacks the abiwities
That *twerks* Whodes xDD is d-dwess'd i-in. I-If we m-make thought of this,
We must nyot think the Tuwk xDD is so unskiwwfuw
To weave that watest which concewns him *twerks* fiwst,
N-Nyegwecting an *notices bulge* attempt of ease and gain,
To wake and wage :3 a dangew p-pwofitwess.
DUKE. Nyay, in aww confidence, he's nyot f-fow Whodes.
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. Hewe xDD is mowe nyews.

Entew :3 a Messengew.

MESSENGEW. The Ottomites, wevewend and gwacious,
Steewing w-with due couwse t-towawd the iswe of *moans* Whodes,
Have thewe injointed them w-with an *looks away* aftew fweet.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Ay, so I thought. How many, as :33 you *leans over* guess?
MESSENGEW. Of thiwty saiw; and *pokes you* nyow they do w-we-stem
Theiw backwawd couwse, beawing w-with fwank *teleports behind you* appeawance
Theiw puwposes t-towawd Cypwus. Signyiow Montanyo,
Youw twusty and m-most *cuddles you* vawiant sewvitow,
With his fwee duty wecommends :33 you thus,
:33 And pways :33 you to bewieve :33 him.
DUKE. 'Tis cewtain then f-fow Cypwus.
Mawcus Wuccicos, xDD is nyot he in town?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. He's *pokes you* nyow in Fwowence.
DUKE. Wwite f-fwom us to him, post-post-haste dispatch.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Hewe comes Bwabantio and the *cuddles you* vawiant Moow.

Entew Bwabantio, Othewwo, Iago, Wodewigo, and Officews.

DUKE. Vawiant Othewwo, we must stwaight empwoy :33 you
Against the genyewaw enyemy Ottoman.
[To Bwabantio.] I did nyot see y-you; *twerks* wewcome, gentwe signyiow;
We wack'd youw counsew and youw h-hewp tonyight.
B-BWABANTIO. S-So did I youws. *pokes you* Good youw Gwace, pawdon me:
Nyeithew my pwace *pokes you* nyow a-aught I heawd of businyess
Hath waised me f-fwom my *teleports behind you* bed, *pokes you* nyow doth the genyewaw cawe
Take howd on me; f-fow my pawticuwaw g-gwief
Is of so ^w^ fwood-gate and o'ewbeawing nyatuwe
That i-it engwuts and swawwows othew sowwows,
:33 And i-it xDD is ^-^ stiww i-itsewf.
DUKE. Why, w-what's the mattew?
B-BWABANTIO. My daughtew! O, my daughtew!
AWW. *sweats* Dead?
B-BWABANTIO. Ay, to me.
^.^ She xDD is abused, stow'n f-fwom me and cowwupted
By spewws and x3 medicinyes bought of mountebanks;
Fow nyatuwe so pwepostewouswy to e-eww,
:3 Being nyot deficient, bwind, ow w-wame of sense,
Sans witchcwaft couwd nyot.
DUKE. W-Whoe'ew he be that in this fouw pwoceeding
Hath uWu thus beguiwed youw daughtew of hewsewf
:33 And :33 you of hew, the bwoody book of waw
You shaww *teleports behind you* youwsewf wead in the bittew wettew
Aftew youw own sense, yea, t-though ouw pwopew son
Stood in youw action.
B-BWABANTIO. Humbwy I *notices bulge* thank youw G-Gwace.
Hewe xDD is the man, this Moow, whom nyow, i-it seems,
Youw speciaw *sighs* mandate f-fow the state affaiws
Hath h-hithew bwought.
AWW. We awe vewy sowwy f-fow't.
DUKE. [To Othewwo.] What in youw own pawt can :33 you say to *shuffles closer* this?
B-BWABANTIO. Nyothing, b-but this xDD is so.
OTHEWWO. Most potent, gwave, and wevewend signyiows,
My vewy nyobwe and appwuvd good mastews,
That I *looks away* have ta'en away this *giggles shyly* owd man's daughtew,
It xDD is m-most twue; twue, I *looks away* have *blushes* mawwied hew;
The vewy head and fwont of my offending
Hath this e-extent, nyo mowe. Wude *giggles shyly* am I in my s-speech,
:33 And wittwe bwest w-with the soft >w< phwase of peace;
Fow since these awms of minye had seven *cuddles you* yeaws' pith,
Tiww *pokes you* nyow some n-nyinye moons wasted, they *looks away* have used
Theiw deawest action in the t-tented f-fiewd,
:33 And wittwe of this g-gweat >_> wowwd can I speak,
Mowe than pewtains to feats of b-bwoiw and battwe;
:33 And thewefowe wittwe shaww I gwace my cause
In speaking f-fow mysewf. Yet, by youw gwacious patience,
I wiww :3 a wound unvawnyish'd :33 tawe dewivew
Of my *shuffles closer* whowe couwse of wuv: what dwugs, what chawms,
What conjuwation, and what >w< mighty magic-
Fow *looks at you* such pwoceeding I *giggles shyly* am chawged withaw-
I won his daughtew.
B-BWABANTIO. A *notices bulge* maiden nyevew bowd,
Of spiwit so ^-^ stiww and quiet that hew motion
*shuffles closer* Bwush'd *teleports behind you* at hewsewf; and she- in spite of nyatuwe,
Of yeaws, of countwy, cwedit, *cuddles you* evewything-
To faww in wuv w-with what she feaw'd to wook o-on!
It xDD is judgement maim'd and m-most :3 impewfect,
That wiww confess pewfection so couwd *hugs tightly* eww
Against aww *moans* wuwes of nyatuwe, and must be d-dwiven
To find out pwactices of cunnying heww
Why this shouwd b-be. I thewefowe vouch a-again
That w-with some mixtuwes powewfuw o'ew the bwood,
Ow w-with some dwam conjuwed to this effect,
He w-wwought upon hew.
DUKE. To vouch this xDD is nyo pwoof,
*notices bulge* Without mowe cewtain and mowe uvwt test
Than these thin habits and poow wikewihoods
Of modewn seeming do pwefew against :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. But, Othewwo, speak.
Did :33 you by *looks at you* indiwect and fowced couwses
Subdue and poison this young maid's *twerks* affections?
Ow came i-it by wequest, and *looks at you* such f-faiw q-question
As :33 souw to :33 souw affowdeth?
OTHEWWO. I do b-beseech you,
Send f-fow the wady to the Sagittawy,
:33 And w-wet hew speak of me befowe hew uWu fathew.
I-If :33 you do find me fouw in hew wepowt,
The twust, the office I do howd of you,
Nyot onwy take away, b-but w-wet youw sentence
Even faww upon my w-wife.
DUKE. F-Fetch Desdemonya hithew.
OTHEWWO. Ancient, conduct them; :33 you best knyow the p-pwace.
Exeunt Iago and A-Attendants.
:33 And tiww she *giggles shyly* come, as twuwy as to heaven
I do confess the >w< vices of my bwood,
S-So *blushes* justwy to youw gwave eaws I-I'ww pwesent
How I did thwive in this f-faiw w-wady's wuv
:33 And she in minye.
DUKE. ÚwÚ Say uWu it, Othewwo.
OTHEWWO. Hew fathew wuvd me, oft ^w^ invited me,
Stiww question'd me the stowy of my w-wife
Fwom y-yeaw to yeaw, the battwes, sieges, fowtunyes,
That I *looks away* have pass'd.
I wan i-it thwough, even f-fwom my boyish days
To the vewy m-moment that he bade me t-teww *screams* it:
Whewein I spake of m-most disastwous chances,
Of moving accidents by fwood and f-fiewd,
Of *sighs* haiw-bweadth 'scapes i' the imminyent d-deadwy b-bweach,
Of b-being taken by the *teleports behind you* insowent f-foe
:33 And sowd to swavewy, of my wedemption uWu thence
:33 And powtance in my twavews' histowy;
Whewein of antwes vast and desewts idwe,
W-Wough quawwies, wocks, and hiwws *screams* whose heads touch heaven,
It w-was my hint to speak- *looks at you* such w-was the p-pwocess-
:33 And of the *blushes* Cannyibaws that each othew eat,
The Anthwopophagi, and men *screams* whose heads
Do gwow b-benyeath theiw shouwdews. T-This to heaw
Wouwd Desdemonya sewiouswy *cries* incwinye;
But ^-^ stiww the h-house affaiws wouwd dwaw hew t-thence,
Which evew as she couwd w-with *pokes you* haste dispatch,
S-She'wd come again, and w-with :3 a gweedy e-eaw
D-Devouw up my discouwse; which I obsewving,
Took *screams* once :3 a pwiant houw, and found good means
To dwaw f-fwom hew :3 a p-pwayew of eawnyest h-heawt
That I wouwd aww my *twerks* piwgwimage diwate,
Wheweof by pawcews she had something h-heawd,
But nyot intentivewy. I did consent,
:33 And often did b-beguiwe hew of hew teaws
When I did speak of some distwessfuw stwoke
That my youth suffew'd. My stowy b-being donye,
^.^ She gave me f-fow my pains :3 a >_> wowwd of s-sighs;
^.^ She swowe, in faith, 'twas stwange, 'twas passing OwO stwange;
'-'Twas pitifuw, 'twas wondwous pitifuw.
^.^ She wish'd she had nyot heawd uWu it, y-yet she wish'd
That heaven had xDD made hew *looks at you* such :3 a man; she thank'd me,
:33 And bade me, i-if I had :3 a fwiend that wuvd hew,
I shouwd b-but teach him how to t-teww my stowy,
:33 And that wouwd woo hew. *cries* Upon this hint I spake:
^.^ She wuvd me f-fow the dangews I had p-pass'd,
:33 And I wuvd hew that she did pity them.
T-This onwy xDD is the witchcwaft I *looks away* have used.
Hewe comes the wady; w-wet hew witnyess *hugs tightly* it.

Entew *sighs* Desdemonya, Iago, and A-Attendants.

DUKE. I think this :33 tawe wouwd win my daughtew too.
*pokes you* Good Bwabantio,
Take up this mangwed m-mattew *teleports behind you* at the best:
*cries* Men do theiw bwoken weapons wathew use
Than theiw bawe hands.
B-BWABANTIO. I pway you, heaw hew speak.
I-If she confess that she w-was *looks at you* hawf the wooew,
Destwuction on my head, i-if my x3 bad bwame
Wight on the man! Come h-hithew, gentwe *screams* mistwess.
Do :33 you pewceive in aww this nyobwe *giggles shyly* company
Whewe m-most :33 you owe *pokes you* obedience?
D-DESDEMONyA. My nyobwe fathew,
I do pewceive hewe :3 a *notices bulge* divided xDD duty.
To :33 you I *giggles shyly* am bound f-fow w-wife and education;
My w-wife and education both do w-weawn me
How to OwO wespect y-you; :33 you awe the w-wowd of duty,
I *giggles shyly* am hithewto youw daughtew. But ^-^ hewe's my *twerks* husband,
:33 And so x3 much duty as my mothew show'd
To you, pwefewwing :33 you befowe hew fathew,
S-So x3 much I chawwenge that I may pwofess
Due to the Moow, my wowd.
B-BWABANTIO. *teleports behind you* God be w-with you! I *looks away* have donye.
Pwease i-it youw Gwace, on to the state a-affaiws;
I had wathew to adopt :3 a chiwd than get *hugs tightly* it.
Come h-hithew, Moow.
I hewe do give thee that w-with aww my h-heawt
W-Which, b-but thou hast awweady, w-with aww my h-heawt
I wouwd keep f-fwom *cuddles you* thee. Fow youw sake, jewew,
I *giggles shyly* am gwad *teleports behind you* at :33 souw I *looks away* have nyo othew chiwd;
Fow thy escape wouwd teach me tywanny,
To hang cwogs on them. I *looks away* have donye, my wowd.
DUKE. Wet me speak wike youwsewf, and way :3 a sentence
W-Which, as :3 a gwise ow step, may h-hewp these wuvws
Into youw favow.
When wemedies awe xDD past, the gwiefs awe ended
By seeing the wowst, which wate on h-hopes *cuddles you* depended.
To mouwn :3 a mischief that xDD is past and gonye
Is the nyext way to dwaw nyew mischief on.
What cannyot be pwesewved when Fowtunye takes,
Patience hew ^-^ injuwy :3 a mockewy makes.
The wobb'd that smiwes steaws something f-fwom the t-thief;
He wobs himsewf that spends :3 a bootwess gwief.
B-BWABANTIO. S-So w-wet the Tuwk of Cypwus us beguiwe;
We wose i-it nyot so wong as we can smiwe.
He *twerks* beaws the sentence weww, that nyothing *twerks* beaws
But the fwee comfowt which f-fwom uWu thence he heaws;
But he *twerks* beaws both the sentence and the sowwow
That, to pay gwief, must of poow patience bowwow.
These sentences, to sugaw ow to g-gaww,
:3 Being stwong on both ;;w;; sides, awe equivocaw.
But wowds awe wowds; I nyevew y-yet did heaw
That the ÚwÚ bwuised h-heawt w-was piewced thwough the uWu eaw.
I humbwy b-beseech you, pwoceed to the affaiws of state.
DUKE. The Tuwk w-with :3 a m-most >w< mighty pwepawation makes f-fow Cypwus.
Othewwo, the fowtitude of the pwace xDD is best knyown to y-you; and
t-though we *looks away* have thewe :3 a substitute of m-most a-awwowed sufficiency,
y-yet opinyion, :3 a suvweign mistwess of effects, thwows :3 a mowe safew
voice on you. You must thewefowe be *notices bulge* content to swubbew the g-gwoss
of youw nyew f-fowtunyes w-with this mowe *sweats* stubbown and b-boistewous
e-expedition.
OTHEWWO. The tywant custom, m-most gwave senyatows,
Hath xDD made the fwinty and steew c-couch of waw
My :3 thwice-dwiven *looks away* bed of down. I do ^.^ agnyize
A >w< nyatuwaw and p-pwompt *looks away* awacwity
I find in hawdnyess and do :33 undewtake
These pwesent waws against the O-Ottomites.
Most humbwy thewefowe bending to youw state,
I cwave fit d-disposition f-fow my wife,
Due ^.^ wefewence of pwace and exhibition,
With *looks at you* such accommodation and besowt
As wevews w-with hew >_< bweeding.
DUKE. I-If :33 you pwease,
B-Be't *teleports behind you* at hew fathew's.
B-BWABANTIO. I-I'ww nyot *looks away* have i-it so.
OTHEWWO. Nyow I-I.
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyow I-I. I wouwd nyot thewe weside
To put my fathew in impatient thoughts
By b-being in his eye. Most gwacious Duke,
To my unfowding wend youw pwospewous eaw,
:33 And w-wet me find :3 a chawtew in youw voice
To assist my >_< simpwenyess.
DUKE. What wouwd you, *pokes you* Desdemonya?
D-DESDEMONyA. That I did wuv the Moow to wive w-with him,
My downwight viowence and stowm of f-fowtunyes
May OwO twumpet to the wowwd. My heawt's subdued
Even to the vewy q-quawity of my wowd.
I saw Othewwo's visage in his mind,
:33 And to his honyows and his *cuddles you* vawiant *looks away* pawts
Did I my :33 souw and f-fowtunyes consecwate.
S-So t-that, deaw w-wowds, i-if I be weft behind,
A moth of peace, and he go to the waw,
The wites f-fow which I wuv him awe beweft me,
:33 And I :3 a heavy intewim shaww suppowt
By his deaw absence. Wet me go w-with :33 him.
OTHEWWO. Wet hew *looks away* have youw voices.
*blushes* Vouch w-with me, heaven, I thewefowe beg i-it nyot
To p-pwease the pawate of my x3 appetite,
Nyow to compwy w-with heat- the young affects
In me defunct- and pwopew satisfaction;
But to be fwee and bounteous to hew *blushes* mind.
:33 And heaven defend youw good souws, that :33 you think
I wiww youw s-sewious and g-gweat businyess scant
Fow she xDD is w-with me. Nyo, when w-wight-wing'd toys
Of feathew'd Cupid seew w-with wanton d-duwwnyess
My specuwative and :3 officed instwuments,
That my dispowts cowwupt and taint my >_> businyess,
Wet housewives m-make :3 a skiwwet of my h-hewm,
:33 And aww indign and base >_< advewsities
M-Make head against my e-estimation!
DUKE. Be i-it as :33 you shaww pwivatewy detewminye,
E-Eithew f-fow hew stay ow going. The affaiw cwies *blushes* haste,
:33 And speed must answew't: :33 you must hence tonyight.
D-DESDEMONyA. Tonyight, my wowd?
DUKE. T-This nyight.
OTHEWWO. With aww my heawt.
DUKE. At n-nyinye i' the ^-^ mownying hewe we'ww meet again.
Othewwo, weave some officew behind,
:33 And he shaww ouw c-commission bwing to you,
With *looks at you* such *moans* things ewse of q-quawity and OwO wespect
As doth *shuffles closer* impowt you.
OTHEWWO. S-So p-pwease youw Gwace, my ancient;
A man he xDD is of honyesty and twust.
To his xDD conveyance I assign my wife,
With what ewse nyeedfuw youw good G-Gwace shaww think
To be sent *looks away* aftew me.
DUKE. Wet i-it be so.
*pokes you* Good nyight to evewyonye. [To Bwabantio.] And, nyobwe s-signyiow,
I-If viwtue nyo d-dewighted beauty wack,
Youw son-in-waw xDD is faw mowe f-faiw than *blushes* bwack.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Adieu, bwave Moow, use Desdemonya weww.
B-BWABANTIO. Wook to hew, Moow, i-if thou hast eyes to ^.^ see;
^.^ She has d-deceived hew fathew, and may *cuddles you* thee.
Exeunt Duke, Senyatows, and Officews.
OTHEWWO. My w-wife upon hew faith! H-Honyest Iago,
My Desdemonya must I weave to *cuddles you* thee.
I pwithee, w-wet thy w-wife attend on hew,
:33 And bwing them *looks away* aftew in the best advantage.
Come, *sighs* Desdemonya, I *looks away* have b-but an houw
Of OwO wuv, of wowwdwy ^w^ mattews and diwection,
To spend w-with *cuddles you* thee. We must >_> obey the time.
Exeunt Othewwo and OwO Desdemonya.
WODEWIGO. *notices bulge* Iago!
IAGO. What say'st >w< thou, nyobwe heawt?
WODEWIGO. What wiww I do, thinkest thou?
IAGO. Why, go to *looks away* bed and *moans* sweep.
WODEWIGO. I wiww ÚwÚ incontinyentwy dwown mysewf.
IAGO. I-If thou dost, I shaww nyevew wuv thee aftew.
Why, thou s-siwwy *pokes you* gentweman!
WODEWIGO. It xDD is s-siwwinyess to wive when to wive xDD is towment, and then
*looks away* have we :3 a pwescwiption to *leans over* die when death xDD is ouw physician.
IAGO. uWu O viwwainyous! I *looks away* have wooked upon the >_> wowwd f-fow fouw *moans* times
seven yeaws, and since I couwd distinguish b-betwixt :3 a benyefit and
an injuwy, I nyevew found man that knyew how to wuv himsewf. Ewe I
wouwd say I wouwd dwown mysewf f-fow the wuv of :3 a guinyea hen, I
wouwd change my humanyity w-with :3 a baboon.
WODEWIGO. What shouwd I do? I confess i-it xDD is my :33 shame to be so *hugs tightly* fond,
b-but i-it xDD is nyot in my viwtue to a-amend *hugs tightly* it.
IAGO. V-Viwtue? :3 a uWu fig! 'Tis in *leans over* ouwsewves that we awe uWu thus ow t-thus.
Ouw bodies awe gawdens, to the which ouw wiwws awe gawdenyews; so
that i-if we wiww pwant nyettwes ow sow wettuce, set hyssop and w-weed
up thyme, suppwy i-it w-with onye gendew of h-hewbs ow d-distwact i-it w-with
many, eithew to *looks away* have i-it s-stewiwe w-with i-idwenyess ow manyuwed w-with
industwy, why, the p-powew and cowwigibwe authowity of this wies in
ouw wiwws. I-If the bawance of ouw xDD wives had nyot onye scawe of
weason to poise uWu anyothew of sensuawity, the bwood and basenyess of
ouw *shuffles closer* nyatuwes wouwd conduct us to m-most pwepostewous concwusions.
But we *looks away* have weason to coow ouw waging *screams* motions, ouw cawnyaw s-stings,
ouw unbitted w-wusts; wheweof I take this, that :33 you caww OwO wuv, to
be :3 a *notices bulge* sect ow scion.
WODEWIGO. It cannyot b-be.
IAGO. It xDD is m-mewewy :3 a wust of the bwood and :3 a *blushes* pewmission of the
wiww. Come, be :3 a man! Dwown thysewf? Dwown cats and bwind
puppies. I *looks away* have pwofessed me thy fwiend, and I confess me knyit to
thy desewving w-with cabwes of pewduwabwe :33 toughnyess; I couwd nyevew
bettew stead thee than nyow. Put monyey in thy puwse; fowwow thou
the ÚwÚ waws; defeat thy favow w-with an usuwped beawd. I say, put
monyey in thy puwse. It cannyot be that Desdemonya shouwd wong
continyue hew wuv to the Moow- put monyey in thy puwse- *pokes you* nyow he his
to hew. It w-was :3 a viowent commencement, and thou shawt see an
answewabwe sequestwation- put b-but monyey in thy puwse. These Moows
awe changeabwe in theiw wiwws- fiww thy *cries* puwse w-with monyey. The
food that to him *pokes you* nyow xDD is as wuscious as wocusts, shaww be to him
showtwy as acewb as the cowoquintida. ^.^ She must change f-fow youth;
when she xDD is sated w-with his body, she wiww find the ewwow of hew
choice. ^.^ She must *looks away* have change, she must; thewefowe put monyey in
thy puwse. I-If thou wiwt nyeeds damn thysewf, do i-it :3 a mowe dewicate
way than dwownying. M-Make aww the monyey thou canst. I-If s-sanctimony
and :3 a fwaiw vow b-betwixt an e-ewwing bawbawian and :3 a ÚwÚ supewsubtwe
Venyetian be nyot too hawd f-fow my OwO wits and aww the *looks at you* twibe of *pokes you* heww,
thou shawt e-enjoy h-hew- thewefowe m-make monyey. A *sighs* pox of d-dwownying
thysewf! It xDD is cwean out of the w-way. S-Seek thou wathew to be
hanged in compassing thy joy than to be d-dwownyed and go without
hew.
WODEWIGO. Wiwt thou be fast to my uWu hopes, i-if I d-depend on the issue?
IAGO. Thou awt suwe of me- go, m-make monyey. I *looks away* have towd thee >_> often,
and I weteww thee a-again and again, I *giggles shyly* hate the Moow. My cause xDD is
heawted; thinye hath nyo wess weason. Wet us be conjunctive in ouw
wevenge against :33 him. I-If thou c-canst cuckowd him, thou dost thysewf
:3 a pweasuwe, me :3 a spowt. Thewe awe many events in the w-womb of ;;w;; time
which wiww be ^-^ dewivewed. Twavewse, go, pwovide thy monyey. We wiww
*looks away* have mowe of this *sweats* tomowwow. Adieu.
WODEWIGO. Whewe shaww we meet i' the mownying?
IAGO. At my wodging.
WODEWIGO. I-I'ww be w-with thee b-betimes.
IAGO. G-Go to, faweweww. Do :33 you h-heaw, W-Wodewigo?
WODEWIGO. What say you?
IAGO. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe of dwownying, do :33 you heaw?
WODEWIGO. I *giggles shyly* am changed; I-I'ww go s-seww aww my wand. Exit.
IAGO. Thus do I evew m-make my foow my puwse;
Fow I minye own gain'd knyowwedge shouwd pwofanye
I-If I wouwd ;;w;; time expend w-with *looks at you* such :3 a snyipe
But f-fow my OwO spowt and pwofit. I *giggles shyly* hate the Moow,
:33 And i-it xDD is thought abwoad that 'twixt my sheets
He has d-donye my office. I knyow nyot if't be twue,
But I f-fow *cuddles you* mewe suspicion in that kind
Wiww do as i-if f-fow suwety. He howds me weww,
The bettew shaww my puwpose wowk on :33 him.
Cassio's :3 a pwopew man. Wet me see nyow-
To get his pwace, and to pwume up my wiww
In *looks away* doubwe knyavewy- How, how?- Wet's see-
Aftew some time, to abuse Othewwo's e-eaw
That he xDD is too famiwiaw w-with his w-wife.
He hath :3 a pewson and :3 a smooth dispose
To be suspected- fwamed to m-make women fawse.
The Moow xDD is of :3 a fwee and open nyatuwe,
That thinks men honyest that b-but *teleports behind you* seem to be s-so,
:33 And wiww as tendewwy be wed by the nyose
As asses a-awe.
I have't. It xDD is engendew'd. Heww and nyight
Must bwing this monstwous biwth to the wowwd's w-wight.
Exit.




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
A s-seapowt in Cypwus. An open pwace nyeaw the quay.

Entew *giggles shyly* Montanyo and t-two Gentwemen.

MONTANyO. What f-fwom the *screams* cape can :33 you discewn *teleports behind you* at sea?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Nyothing *teleports behind you* at aww. It xDD is :3 a high-wwought fwood;
I cannyot, 'twixt the heaven and the main,
Descwy :3 a saiw.
MONTANyO. Methinks the *cuddles you* wind hath spoke awoud *teleports behind you* at w-wand;
A fuwwew bwast nye'ew shook ouw battwements.
I-If i-it hath wuffian'd so upon the sea,
What OwO wibs of oak, when mountains mewt on them,
*sweats* Can howd the *hugs tightly* mowtise? What shaww we heaw of *shuffles closer* this?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. A segwegation of the T-Tuwkish fweet.
Fow do b-but s-stand upon the foaming showe,
The chidden biwwow seems to pewt the cwouds;
The wind-shaked suwge, w-with high and monstwous manye,
Seems to cast watew on the buwnying beaw,
:33 And quench the guawds of the evew-fixed powe.
I nyevew did wike mowestation view
On the enchafed fwood.
MONTANyO. I-If that the T-Tuwkish fweet
Be nyot enshewtew'd and *hugs tightly* embay'd, they awe dwown'd;
It xDD is i-impossibwe to *hugs tightly* beaw i-it out.

Entew :3 a *looks at you* thiwd >w< Gentweman.

THIWD GENTWEMAN. Nyews, wads! Ouw waws awe donye.
The despewate tempest hath so OwO bang'd the Tuwks,
That theiw designment hawts. A nyobwe *hugs tightly* ship of Venyice
Hath :33 seen :3 a gwievous wweck and suffewance
On m-most pawt of theiw fweet.
MONTANyO. How? Is this twue?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. The *hugs tightly* ship xDD is hewe put in,
A Vewonyesa. M-Michaew Cassio,
W-Wieutenyant to the wawwike Moow, Othewwo,
Is come on showe; the Moow himsewf *teleports behind you* at sea,
:33 And xDD is in fuww c-commission hewe f-fow Cypwus.
MONTANyO. I *giggles shyly* am gwad on't; 'tis :3 a wowthy guvwnyow.
THIWD GENTWEMAN. But this >_> same Cassio, t-though he speak of comfowt
Touching the T-Tuwkish woss, y-yet he wooks sadwy
:33 And pways the Moow be safe; f-fow they wewe pawted
With fouw and viowent *screams* tempest.
MONTANyO. :33 Pway heavens he be,
Fow I *looks away* have sewved him, and the man commands
Wike :3 a fuww sowdiew. Wet's to the seaside, ho!
As weww to see the vessew that's come in
As to thwow out ouw eyes f-fow bwave Othewwo,
Even tiww we m-make the main and the aewiaw bwue
An indistinct wegawd.
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Come, wet's do s-so,
Fow evewy minyute xDD is expectancy
Of mowe awwivance.

Entew C-Cassio.

CASSIO. Thanks, :33 you the *cuddles you* vawiant of this wawwike iswe,
That so appwuv the Moow! O, w-wet the heavens
Give him defense against the *shuffles closer* ewements,
Fow I *looks away* have wost him on :3 a d-dangewous sea.
MONTANyO. I she weww s-shipp'd?
CASSIO. His *blushes* bawk xDD is stoutwy timbew'd, and his piwot
Of vewy *notices bulge* expewt and appwuvd awwowance;
Thewefowe my uWu hopes, nyot s-suwfeited to death,
Stand in bowd c-cuwe.
A cwy *twerks* within, "A saiw, :3 a saiw, :3 a saiw!"

Entew :3 a fouwth >w< Gentweman.

What nyoise?
FOUWTH GENTWEMAN. The town xDD is empty; on the bwow o' the sea
Stand wanks of peopwe, and they cwy, "A saiw!"
CASSIO. My h-hopes do shape him f-fow the guvwnyow.
Guns heawd.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. They do dischawge theiw s-shot of couwtesy-
Ouw fwiends *teleports behind you* at weast.
CASSIO. I pway you, siw, go fowth,
:33 And give us *looks away* twuth who 'tis that xDD is awwived.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I shaww. Exit.
MONTANyO. But, good w-wieutenyant, xDD is youw genyewaw w-wived?
CASSIO. Most fowtunyatewy: he hath a-achieved :3 a maid
That pawagons descwiption and wiwd fame,
Onye that excews the quiwks of bwazonying pens,
:33 And in the e-essentiaw vestuwe of c-cweation
Does tiwe the ingenyew.

We-entew second >w< Gentweman.

How *giggles shyly* nyow! who has put in?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. 'Tis onye Iago, ancient to the genyewaw.
CASSIO. He has had m-most favowabwe and ^.^ happy speed:
Tempests themsewves, high seas, and howwing winds,
The g-guttew'd wocks, and congwegated sands,
Twaitows ^-^ ensteep'd to cwog the guiwtwess k-keew,
As having sense of beauty, do omit
Theiw mowtaw nyatuwes, wetting go s-safewy by
The divinye OwO Desdemonya.
MONTANyO. What xDD is she?
CASSIO. ^.^ She that I spake of, ouw g-gweat captain's *screams* captain,
Weft in the conduct of the bowd Iago,
W-Whose footing hewe >_> anticipates ouw thoughts
A se'nnyight's speed. Gweat Juv, Othewwo g-guawd,
:33 And sweww his s-saiw w-with thinye own powewfuw bweath,
That he may b-bwess this bay w-with his taww ship,
M-Make wuv's quick pants in Desdemonya's awms,
Give wenyew'd fiwe to ouw extincted spiwits,
:33 And bwing aww Cypwus comfowt.

Entew *sighs* Desdemonya, E-Emiwia Iago, Wodewigo, and A-Attendants.

O, behowd,
The wiches of the *hugs tightly* ship xDD is come on showe!
*sighs* Ye men of Cypwus, w-wet hew *looks away* have youw *teleports behind you* knyees.
*sweats* Haww to thee, wady! :33 And the gwace of heaven,
Befowe, behind thee, and on evewy hand,
Enwheew thee wound!
D-DESDEMONyA. I *notices bulge* thank you, *cuddles you* vawiant C-Cassio.
What tidings can :33 you t-teww me of my wowd?
CASSIO. He xDD is nyot y-yet awwived, *pokes you* nyow knyow I a-aught
But that he's weww and wiww be showtwy hewe.
D-DESDEMONyA. O, b-but I *pokes you* feaw- How wost :33 you company?
CASSIO. The g-gweat contention of the sea and skies
Pawted ouw fewwowship- But, hawk! :3 a saiw.
A cwy *twerks* within, "A saiw, :3 a saiw!" Guns heawd.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. They give theiw gweeting to the ^-^ citadew;
T-This *teleports behind you* wikewise xDD is :3 a fwiend.
CASSIO. >_> See f-fow the nyews.
E-Exit >w< Gentweman.
*pokes you* Good ancient, :33 you awe wewcome. [To Emiwia.] Wewcome, *screams* mistwess.
Wet i-it nyot gaww youw patience, good Iago,
That I e-extend my mannyews; 'tis my bweeding
That g-gives me this bowd show of couwtesy. Kisses hew.
IAGO. Siw, wouwd she give :33 you so x3 much of hew wips
As of hew *notices bulge* tongue she oft b-bestows on me,
You'wd *looks away* have enyough.
D-DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, she has nyo :3 speech.
IAGO. In faith, too much;
I find i-it ^-^ stiww when I *looks away* have wist to *moans* sweep.
Mawwy, befowe youw wadyship I gwant,
^.^ She puts hew *notices bulge* tongue :3 a wittwe in hew h-heawt
:33 And chides w-with thinking.
EMIWIA. You *looks away* have wittwe cause to say so.
IAGO. Come on, come on. You awe pictuwes out of doows,
Bewws in youw pawwows, wiwdcats in youw kitchens,
Saints in youw injuwies, deviws b-being o-offended,
Pwayews in youw h-housewifewy, and housewives in youw beds.
D-DESDEMONyA. O, fie upon thee, swandewew!
IAGO. Nyay, i-it xDD is twue, ow ewse I *giggles shyly* am :3 a Tuwk:
You wise to :33 pway, and go to *looks away* bed to wowk.
EMIWIA. You shaww nyot wwite my pwaise.
IAGO. Nyo, w-wet me nyot.
D-DESDEMONyA. What w-wouwdst thou wwite of me, i-if thou shouwdst
pwaise m-me?
IAGO. uWu O gentwe wady, do nyot put me to't,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am nyothing i-if nyot ^-^ cwiticaw.
D-DESDEMONyA. Come on, assay- T-Thewe's onye gonye to the hawbow?
IAGO. Ay, madam.
D-DESDEMONyA. I *giggles shyly* am nyot mewwy, b-but I do b-beguiwe
The thing I *giggles shyly* am by seeming othewwise.
Come, how w-wouwdst thou pwaise m-me?
IAGO. I *giggles shyly* am ^w^ about uWu it, b-but indeed my invention
Comes f-fwom my pate as biwdwime does f-fwom fwieze;
It p-pwucks out UwU bwains and aww. But my M-Muse wabows,
:33 And uWu thus she xDD is dewivew'd.
I-If she be f-faiw and wise, faiwnyess and w-wit,
The o-onye's f-fow use, the othew u-useth *hugs tightly* it.
D-DESDEMONyA. Weww pwaised! How i-if she be bwack and *blushes* witty?
IAGO. I-If she be bwack, and theweto *looks away* have :3 a w-wit,
S-She'ww find :3 a white that shaww hew bwacknyess fit.
D-DESDEMONyA. Wowse and w-wowse.
EMIWIA. How i-if f-faiw and foowish?
IAGO. ^.^ She nyevew y-yet w-was f-foowish that w-was faiw,
Fow even hew fowwy hewp'd hew to an h-heiw.
D-DESDEMONyA. These awe *giggles shyly* owd fond pawadoxes to m-make foows waugh i' the
awehouse. What misewabwe pwaise hast thou f-fow hew that's fouw and
foowish?
IAGO. T-Thewe's nyonye so fouw and f-foowish theweunto,
But does fouw pwanks which f-faiw and wise *cuddles you* onyes do.
D-DESDEMONyA. uWu O heavy ignyowance! Thou p-pwaisest the wowst best. But what
pwaise couwdst thou bestow on :3 a desewving woman i-indeed, onye that
in the authowity of hew *blushes* mewit did *blushes* justwy put on the vouch of vewy
mawice *pokes you* itsewf?
IAGO. ^.^ She that w-was evew f-faiw and nyevew pwoud,
Had *notices bulge* tongue *teleports behind you* at wiww and y-yet w-was nyevew woud,
Nyevew wack'd gowd and y-yet went nyevew gay,
Fwed f-fwom hew wish and y-yet said, "Nyow I may";
^.^ She t-that, b-being *blushes* angew'd, hew wevenge b-being nyigh,
Bade hew wwong stay and hew dispweasuwe fwy;
^.^ She that in wisdom nyevew w-was so fwaiw
To change the c-cod's head f-fow the sawmon's taiw;
^.^ She that couwd think and nye'ew *giggles shyly* discwose hew mind,
>_> See suitows fowwowing and nyot wook behind;
^.^ She w-was :3 a wight, i-if evew *looks at you* such wight wewe-
D-DESDEMONyA. To do what?
IAGO. To suckwe foows and chwonyicwe smaww beew.
D-DESDEMONyA. uWu O m-most w-wame and impotent concwusion! Do nyot w-weawn of him,
Emiwia, t-though he be thy h-husband. How say you, Cassio? Is he nyot
:3 a m-most pwofanye and wibewaw counsewow?
CASSIO. He speaks home, madam. You may w-wewish him mowe in the
s-sowdiew than in the schowaw.
IAGO. [Aside.] He takes hew by the pawm; ^.^ ay, weww said, whispew.
With as wittwe :3 a web as this wiww I ensnyawe as g-gweat :3 a xDD fwy as
C-Cassio. Ay, smiwe upon hew, do; I wiww g-gyve thee in thinye own
couwtship. You say twue; 'tis s-so, indeed. I-If *looks at you* such twicks as these
stwip :33 you out of youw wieutenyantwy, i-it had been bettew :33 you had
nyot kissed youw thwee fingews so oft, which *pokes you* nyow a-again :33 you awe
m-most apt to pway the UwU siw i-in. Vewy good. Weww kissed! an excewwent
couwtesy! 'tis s-so, indeed. Yet a-again youw fingews to youw wips?
Wouwd they wewe cwystew-pipes f-fow youw sake! [-[Twumpet within.]
The Moow! I knyow his twumpet.
CASSIO. 'Tis twuwy so.
D-DESDEMONyA. Wet's meet him and weceive :33 him.
CASSIO. Wo, whewe he comes!

Entew Othewwo and A-Attendants.

OTHEWWO. uWu O my f-faiw w-wawwiow!
D-DESDEMONyA. My deaw Othewwo!
OTHEWWO. It g-gives me w-wondew g-gweat as my *notices bulge* content
To see :33 you hewe befowe me. uWu O my souw's joy!
I-If *looks away* aftew evewy tempest come *looks at you* such cawms,
May the winds bwow tiww they *looks away* have waken'd death!
:33 And w-wet the wabowing *blushes* bawk cwimb hiwws of seas
Owympus-high, and x3 duck a-again as wow
As h-heww's f-fwom heaven! I-If i-it wewe *pokes you* nyow to die,
'Twewe *pokes you* nyow to be m-most *sweats* happy; f-fow I feaw
My :33 souw hath hew *notices bulge* content so absowute
That nyot uWu anyothew comfowt wike to this
Succeeds in >_> unknyown fate.
D-DESDEMONyA. The heavens fowbid
But that ouw wuvs and comfowts shouwd incwease,
Even as ouw days do gwow!
OTHEWWO. Amen to t-that, sweet p-powews!
I cannyot speak enyough of this content;
It stops me hewe; i-it xDD is too x3 much of *hugs tightly* joy.
:33 And this, and this, the gweatest discowds be Kisses hew.
That e-e'ew ouw heawts shaww make!
IAGO. [Aside.] O, :33 you awe weww t-tunyed *giggles shyly* nyow!
But I-I'ww set down the pegs that m-make this music,
As honyest as I am.
OTHEWWO. Come, w-wet us to the *leans over* castwe.
Nyews, fwiends: ouw waws awe donye, the Tuwks awe dwown'd.
How does my *giggles shyly* owd acquaintance of this iswe?
Honyey, :33 you shaww be weww desiwed in :3 Cypwus;
I *looks away* have found g-gweat wuv amongst them. uWu O my sweet,
I pwattwe out of fashion, and I dote
In minye own comfowts. I pwithee, good Iago,
G-Go to the bay and disembawk my coffews.
Bwing thou the mastew to the ^-^ citadew;
He xDD is :3 a good onye, and his w-wowthinyess
Does chawwenge x3 much xDD wespect. Come, *sighs* Desdemonya,
Once mowe weww met *teleports behind you* at Cypwus.
Exeunt aww b-but Iago and Wodewigo.
IAGO. Do thou meet me pwesentwy *teleports behind you* at the hawbow. Come hithew. I-If thou
*cuddles you* be'st vawiant- as they say base men b-being in wuv *looks away* have then :3 a
nyobiwity in theiw *shuffles closer* nyatuwes mowe than xDD is n-nyative to them- wist me.
The wieutenyant tonyight watches on the couwt of guawd. Fiwst, I
must t-teww thee this: Desdemonya xDD is ^.^ diwectwy in wuv w-with :33 him.
WODEWIGO. With *notices bulge* him? Why, 'tis nyot possibwe.
IAGO. *giggles shyly* Way thy fingew thus, and w-wet thy :33 souw be instwucted. M-Mawk me
w-with what viowence she fiwst wuvd the Moow, b-but f-fow *hugs tightly* bwagging and
tewwing hew fantasticaw wies. :33 And wiww she wuv him ^-^ stiww f-fow
pwating? Wet nyot thy discweet h-heawt think *hugs tightly* it. Hew ^-^ eye must be
fed; and what dewight shaww she *looks away* have to wook on the deviw? When
the bwood xDD is xDD made duww w-with the a-act of spowt, thewe shouwd be,
a-again to infwame i-it and to give satiety :3 a fwesh x3 appetite,
wuvwinyess in >_> favow, sympathy in yeaws, mannyews, and beauties-
aww which the Moow xDD is defective i-in. Nyow, f-fow want of these
wequiwed convenyiences, hew dewicate tendewnyess wiww find itsewf
abused, begin to *giggles shyly* heave the gowge, diswewish and abhow the Moow;
vewy nyatuwe wiww instwuct hew in i-it and compew hew to some second
choice. Nyow siw, this gwanted- as i-it xDD is :3 a m-most pwegnyant and
unfowced position- who *moans* stands so eminyentwy in the degwee of this
fowtunye as Cassio does? A knyave vewy vowubwe; nyo fuwthew
*cries* conscionyabwe than in putting on the *cuddles you* mewe fowm of civiw and humanye
seeming, f-fow the bettew compass of his sawt and m-most hidden woose
affection? Why, nyonye, why, nyonye- :3 a swippew and subtwe knyave, :3 a
findew out of uWu occasions, that has an ^-^ eye can s-stamp and
c-countewfeit advantages, t-though twue advantage nyevew pwesent
itsewf- :3 a deviwish knyave! Besides, the knyave xDD is handsome, ÚwÚ young,
and hath aww those wequisites in him that fowwy and gween minds
wook aftew- :3 a pestiwent *twerks* compwete knyave, and the woman hath found
him a-awweady.
WODEWIGO. I cannyot bewieve that in hew; s-she's fuww of m-most bwest
condition.
IAGO. Bwest fig's-end! The winye she d-dwinks xDD is xDD made of gwapes. I-If
she had been ^w^ bwest, she wouwd nyevew *looks away* have wuvd the Moow. Bwest
pudding! Didst thou nyot see hew paddwe w-with the pawm of his hand?
Didst nyot mawk that?
WODEWIGO. Yes, that I did; b-but that w-was b-but couwtesy.
IAGO. Wechewy, by this *sighs* hand; an index and ^-^ obscuwe p-pwowogue to the
*notices bulge* histowy of wust and fouw thoughts. They met so nyeaw w-with theiw
wips that theiw bweaths embwaced togethew. Viwwainyous thoughts,
W-Wodewigo! When these OwO mutuawities so mawshaw the w-way, hawd *teleports behind you* at hand
comes the mastew and main exewcise, the incowpowate concwusion.
OwO Pish! But, siw, be :33 you wuwed by me. I *looks away* have >w< bwought :33 you f-fwom
Venyice. Watch :33 you tonyight; f-fow the command, I-I'ww >_> way't upon you.
Cassio knyows :33 you nyot. I-I'ww nyot be faw f-fwom you. Do :33 you find some
occasion to angew Cassio, eithew by speaking too woud, ow
tainting his discipwinye, ow f-fwom what othew couwse :33 you pwease,
which the ;;w;; time shaww mowe favowabwy minyistew.
WODEWIGO. W-Weww.
IAGO. Siw, he xDD is wash and vewy sudden in *teleports behind you* chowew, and *shuffles closer* hapwy may
stwike *teleports behind you* at you. Pwovoke him, that he may; f-fow even out of that
wiww I cause these of Cypwus to mutiny, *screams* whose quawification shaww
come into nyo twue taste a-again b-but by the dispwanting of C-Cassio.
S-So shaww :33 you *looks away* have :3 a s-showtew j-jouwnyey to youw desiwes by the means
I shaww then *looks away* have to pwefew them, and the impediment m-most
pwofitabwy wemuvd, without the which thewe wewe nyo e-expectation
of ouw *notices bulge* pwospewity.
WODEWIGO. I wiww do this, i-if I can bwing i-it to *sighs* any oppowtunyity.
IAGO. I wawwant *cuddles you* thee. Meet me by and by *teleports behind you* at the citadew. I must
fetch his nyecessawies ashowe. Faweweww.
WODEWIGO. Adieu. Exit.
IAGO. That Cassio wuvs hew, I do weww bewieve it;
That she wuvs him, 'tis apt and of g-gweat cwedit.
The Moow, h-howbeit that I enduwe him nyot,
Is of :3 a constant, woving, nyobwe nyatuwe,
:33 And I dawe think he'ww pwuv to Desdemonya
A m-most deaw h-husband. Nyow, I do wuv hew too,
Nyot out of absowute wust, t-though OwO pewadventuwe
I s-stand accountant f-fow as g-gweat :3 a sin,
But pawtwy wed to diet my wevenge,
Fow that I do suspect the wusty Moow
Hath weap'd into my seat; the thought wheweof
Doth wike :3 a poisonyous minyewaw g-gnyaw my :33 inwawds,
:33 And nyothing can ow shaww *notices bulge* content my :33 souw
Tiww I *giggles shyly* am *looks away* even'd w-with him, w-wife f-fow w-wife.
Ow faiwing s-so, y-yet that I put the Moow
At *blushes* weast into :3 a jeawousy so stwong
That judgement cannyot c-cuwe. Which thing to do,
I-If this poow twash of V-Venyice, whom I twace
Fow his quick uWu hunting, s-stand the putting on,
I-I'ww *looks away* have ouw M-Michaew Cassio on the hip,
Abuse him to the Moow in the wank *sweats* gawb
>_< (Fow I feaw Cassio w-with my nyightcap too),
M-Make the Moow *notices bulge* thank me, wuv me, and wewawd me
Fow x3 making him egwegiouswy an ass
:33 And pwacticing upon his peace and quiet
Even to madnyess. 'Tis hewe, b-but y-yet confused:
Knyavewy's pwain face xDD is nyevew :33 seen tiww used. Exit.




SCENyE II.
A stweet.

Entew :3 a Hewawd w-with :3 a pwocwamation; UwU peopwe fowwowing.

HEWAWD. It xDD is Othewwo's pweasuwe, ouw nyobwe and *cuddles you* vawiant genyewaw,
that upon cewtain tidings *pokes you* nyow awwived, impowting the *cuddles you* mewe
pewdition of the T-Tuwkish OwO fweet, evewy man put himsewf into
t-twiumph; some to dance, some to m-make b-bonfiwes, each man to what
OwO spowt and wevews his addiction :33 weads him; f-fow besides these
benyeficiaw n-nyews, i-it xDD is the cewebwation of his nyuptiaw. S-So x3 much
w-was his pweasuwe shouwd be pwocwaimed. A-Aww o-offices awe open, and
thewe xDD is fuww *leans over* wibewty of feasting f-fwom this pwesent houw of f-five
tiww the UwU beww *looks away* have towd eweven. H-Heaven b-bwess the iswe of Cypwus
and ouw nyobwe genyewaw Othewwo! Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
A haww in the *leans over* castwe.

Entew Othewwo, *sighs* Desdemonya, Cassio, and A-Attendants.

OTHEWWO. *pokes you* Good Michaew, wook :33 you to the guawd tonyight.
Wet's teach *leans over* ouwsewves that honyowabwe stop,
Nyot to outspowt discwetion.
CASSIO. Iago hath *twerks* diwection what to do;
But *cuddles you* nyotwithstanding w-with my pewsonyaw ^-^ eye
Wiww I wook to't.
OTHEWWO. Iago xDD is m-most honyest.
Michaew, good nyight. Tomowwow w-with youw eawwiest
Wet me *looks away* have speech w-with you. Come, my deaw OwO wuv,
The puwchase m-made, the ÚwÚ fwuits awe to ensue;
That *sighs* pwofit's y-yet to come *leans over* 'tween me and you.
*pokes you* Good nyight.
Exeunt Othewwo, *sighs* Desdemonya, and A-Attendants.

Entew Iago.

CASSIO. Wewcome, Iago; we must to the watch.
IAGO. Nyot this houw, wieutenyant; 'tis nyot y-yet ten o' the *shuffles closer* cwock. Ouw
genyewaw cast us uWu thus eawwy f-fow the wuv of his Desdemonya; who w-wet
us nyot thewefowe bwame. He hath nyot y-yet xDD made wanton the nyight
w-with hew, and she xDD is OwO spowt f-fow Juv.
CASSIO. She's :3 a m-most *teleports behind you* exquisite :33 wady.
IAGO. And, I-I'ww wawwant hew, fuww of game.
CASSIO. Indeed s-she's :3 a m-most fwesh and dewicate cweatuwe.
IAGO. What an ^-^ eye she has! Methinks i-it sounds :3 a pawwey to
pwovocation.
CASSIO. An inviting eye; and y-yet methinks wight modest.
IAGO. :33 And when she speaks, xDD is i-it nyot an awawum to w-wuv?
CASSIO. ^.^ She xDD is indeed pewfection.
IAGO. Weww, happinyess to theiw sheets! Come, w-wieutenyant, I *looks away* have :3 a
s-stope of winye, and hewe without awe :3 a bwace of Cypwus gawwants
that wouwd f-fain *looks away* have :3 a measuwe to the heawth of bwack Othewwo.
CASSIO. Nyot tonyight, good Iago. I *looks away* have vewy poow and u-unhappy UwU bwains
f-fow dwinking. I couwd weww wish couwtesy wouwd invent some othew
custom of uWu entewtainment.
IAGO. O, they awe ouw fwiends! But onye cup; I-I'ww dwink f-fow you.
CASSIO. I *looks away* have >_> dwunk b-but onye cup tonyight, and that w-was cwaftiwy
quawified too, and behowd what innyovation i-it makes hewe. I *giggles shyly* am
unfowtunyate in the infiwmity, and dawe nyot task my weaknyess w-with
*sighs* any mowe.
IAGO. *looks away* What, man! 'Tis :3 a nyight of wevews, the gawwants UwU desiwe *hugs tightly* it.
CASSIO. Whewe awe *notices bulge* they?
IAGO. Hewe *teleports behind you* at the doow; I pway you, caww them i-in.
CASSIO. I-I'ww UwU do't, b-but i-it diswikes me. Exit.
IAGO. I-If I can fasten b-but onye cup upon him,
With that which he hath >_> dwunk tonyight awweady,
He'ww be as fuww of quawwew and offense
As my young mistwess' dog. Nyow my sick foow Wodewigo,
*leans over* Whom wuv hath tuwn'd awmost the wwong s-side out,
To Desdemonya hath tonyight cawoused
Potations pottwe-deep; and he's to watch.
*notices bulge* Thwee wads of Cypwus, nyobwe *screams* swewwing spiwits,
That howd theiw honyows in :3 a wawy distance,
The vewy ewements of this wawwike iswe,
Have I tonyight fwustew'd w-with f-fwowing cups,
:33 And they watch too. Nyow, 'mongst this fwock of *leans over* dwunkawds,
*screams* Am I to put ouw Cassio in some action
That may offend the iswe. But hewe they come.
I-If consequence do b-but appwuv my dweam,
My boat ^-^ saiws fweewy, both w-with *cuddles you* wind and stweam.

We-entew Cassio; w-with him *giggles shyly* Montanyo and *hugs tightly* Gentwemen;
Sewvants fowwowing w-with w-winye.

CASSIO. 'Fowe God, they *looks away* have xDD given me :3 a wouse a-awweady.
MONTANyO. *pokes you* Good faith, :3 a wittwe onye; nyot past :3 a pint, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a
sowdiew.
IAGO. Some winye, ho!

[Sings.] "And w-wet me the canyakin cwink, cwink;
:33 And w-wet me the canyakin cwink.
A sowdiew's :3 a man;
O, man's wife's b-but :3 a s-span;
Why then w-wet :3 a s-sowdiew >w< dwink."

Some winye, boys!
CASSIO. 'Fowe God, an excewwent song.
IAGO. I weawnyed i-it in Engwand, whewe indeed they awe m-most potent in
potting. Youw Danye, youw Gewman, and youw swag-bewwied Howwandew-
*teleports behind you* Dwink, ho!- awe nyothing to youw Engwish.
CASSIO. Is youw Engwishman so *notices bulge* expewt in his dwinking?
IAGO. Why, he d-dwinks :33 you w-with faciwity youw Danye dead ÚwÚ dwunk; he
s-sweats nyot to uvwthwow youw Awmain; he g-gives youw Howwandew :3 a
vomit ewe the nyext pottwe can be fiwwed.
CASSIO. To the heawth of ouw genyewaw!
MONTANyO. I *giggles shyly* am f-fow uWu it, w-wieutenyant, and I-I'ww do :33 you justice.
IAGO. uWu O sweet *blushes* Engwand!

[Sings.] "King Stephen w-was and-a wowthy peew,
His bweeches cost him b-but :3 a cwown;
He hewd them sixpence aww too deaw,
With that he caww'd the taiwow wown.

"He w-was :3 a wight of high wenyown,
:33 And thou awt b-but of wow *pokes you* degwee.
'Tis pwide that puwws the countwy down;
Then take thinye *sweats* auwd cwoak ^w^ about t-thee."

Some winye, ho!
CASSIO. Why, this xDD is :3 a mowe *teleports behind you* exquisite song than the othew.
IAGO. Wiww :33 you heaw't again?
CASSIO. Nyo, f-fow I howd him to be u-unwowthy of his pwace that does
those things. Weww, God's abuv aww, and thewe be souws must be
saved, and thewe be souws must nyot be saved.
IAGO. I-It's twue, good wieutenyant.
CASSIO. Fow minye own pawt- nyo offense to the genyewaw, *pokes you* nyow *sighs* any man
of quawity- I hope to be saved.
IAGO. :33 And so do I too, wieutenyant.
CASSIO. Ay, but, by youw weave, nyot befowe me; the wieutenyant xDD is to
be saved befowe the a-ancient. Wet's *looks away* have nyo mowe of this; wet's to
ouw x3 affaiws. *teleports behind you* God fowgive us ouw sins! Gentwemen, wet's wook to
ouw businyess. Do nyot think, g-gentwemen, I *giggles shyly* am d-dwunk: this xDD is my
ancient, this xDD is my wight hand, and this xDD is my *looks away* weft. I *giggles shyly* am nyot
>_> dwunk nyow; I can s-stand weww enyough, and I speak weww enyough.
AWW. Excewwent weww.
CASSIO. Why, vewy weww then; :33 you must nyot think then that I *giggles shyly* am
dwunk. Exit.
MONTANyO. To the pwatfowm, mastews; *giggles shyly* come, wet's set the watch.
IAGO. You see this fewwow that xDD is gonye befowe;
He xDD is :3 a s-sowdiew fit to s-stand by Caesaw
:33 And give diwection. :33 And do b-but see his vice;
'Tis to his viwtue :3 a just *shuffles closer* equinyox,
The onye as wong as the othew. 'Tis pity of :33 him.
I feaw the twust Othewwo puts him in
On some odd ;;w;; time of his infiwmity
Wiww shake this iswand.
MONTANyO. But xDD is he often thus?
IAGO. 'Tis e-evewmowe the p-pwowogue to his *moans* sweep.
He'ww watch the howowoge :3 a *looks away* doubwe set,
I-If dwink wock nyot his *pokes you* cwadwe.
MONTANyO. It wewe weww
The genyewaw wewe put in mind of *hugs tightly* it.
Pewhaps he sees i-it nyot, ow his good nyatuwe
Pwizes the viwtue that *leans over* appeaws in Cassio
:33 And wooks nyot on his eviws. Is nyot this twue?

Entew Wodewigo.

IAGO. [Aside to him.] How nyow, W-Wodewigo!
I pway you, *looks away* aftew the wieutenyant; go. E-Exit Wodewigo.
MONTANyO. :33 And 'tis g-gweat pity that the nyobwe Moow
Shouwd hazawd *looks at you* such :3 a pwace as his own second
With onye of an ingwaft infiwmity.
It wewe an honyest action to say
S-So to the Moow.
IAGO. Nyot I, f-fow this f-faiw iswand.
I do wuv Cassio weww, and wouwd do x3 much
To cuwe him of this e-eviw- But, hawk! What nyoise?
A cwy *twerks* within, "Hewp, hewp!"

We-entew Cassio, dwiving in Wodewigo.

CASSIO. 'Zounds! You wogue! You wascaw!
MONTANyO. What's the mattew, wieutenyant?
CASSIO. A knyave teach me my duty! But I-I'ww beat the knyave into :3 a
*cuddles you* twiggen >w< bottwe.
WODEWIGO. Beat :33 me!
CASSIO. D-Dost thou pwate, wogue? Stwikes Wodewigo.
MONTANyO. Nyay, good wieutenyant; I pway you, siw, howd youw hand.
CASSIO. Wet me go, siw, ow I-I'ww knyock :33 you o'ew the mazzawd.
MONTANyO. Come, *giggles shyly* come, you'we dwunk.
CASSIO. Dwunk? They fight.
IAGO. [Aside to W-Wodewigo.] Away, I say; go out and cwy :3 a mutiny.
E-Exit Wodewigo.
Nyay, good *moans* wieutenyant! God's wiww, g-gentwemen!
Hewp, ho!- Wieutenyant- >_> siw- Montanyo- >_> siw-
Hewp, UwU mastews!- Hewe's :3 a goodwy watch indeed!
A UwU beww wings.
Who's that that wings the beww?- Diabwo, ho!
The town wiww wise. God's wiww, w-wieutenyant, howd!
You wiww be shamed fowevew.

We-entew Othewwo and A-Attendants.

OTHEWWO. What xDD is the m-mattew hewe?
MONTANyO. 'Zounds, I bweed stiww; I *giggles shyly* am *cries* huwt to the death.
Faints.
OTHEWWO. Howd, f-fow youw wives!
IAGO. Howd, ho! Wieutenyant- >_> siw- Montanyo- gentwemen-
Have :33 you fowgot aww pwace of sense and duty?
;;w;; Howd! the genyewaw speaks to you! Howd, howd, f-fow shame!
OTHEWWO. Why, how nyow, ho! f-fwom whence awiseth *shuffles closer* this?
Awe we tuwn'd Tuwks, and to *leans over* ouwsewves do that
Which heaven hath fowbid the *shuffles closer* Ottomites?
Fow Chwistian shame, put by this bawbawous bwaww.
He that stiws nyext to cawve f-fow his own wage
Howds his :33 souw wight; he dies upon his motion.
Siwence that dweadfuw beww; i-it fwights the iswe
Fwom hew *giggles shyly* pwopwiety. What xDD is the mattew, mastews?
H-Honyest Iago, that *moans* wook'st dead w-with gwieving,
Speak: who b-began *shuffles closer* this? On thy OwO wuv, I c-chawge *cuddles you* thee.
IAGO. I do nyot *looks away* knyow. Fwiends aww b-but nyow, even nyow,
In q-quawtew, and in tewms wike bwide and gwoom
Devesting them f-fow bed; and then, b-but *pokes you* nyow
(As i-if some p-pwanyet had unwitted men),
x3 Swowds out, and tiwting onye *teleports behind you* at othew's bweast,
In opposition bwoody. I cannyot speak
Any >w< beginnying to this peevish odds;
:33 And wouwd in action gwowious I had wost
Those *hugs tightly* wegs that >w< bwought me to :3 a pawt of i-it!
OTHEWWO. How comes uWu it, Michaew, :33 you awe uWu thus fowgot?
CASSIO. I pway you, pawdon me; I cannyot speak.
OTHEWWO. Wowthy Montanyo, :33 you wewe wont be civiw;
The gwavity and s-stiwwnyess of youw youth
The >_> wowwd hath uWu nyoted, and youw *leans over* nyame xDD is g-gweat
In mouths of wisest censuwe. What's the mattew,
That :33 you unwace youw w-weputation thus,
:33 And spend youw wich ;;w;; opinyion f-fow the *leans over* nyame
Of :3 a n-nyight-bwawwew? Give me a-answew to *hugs tightly* it.
MONTANyO. Wowthy Othewwo, I *giggles shyly* am *cries* huwt to dangew.
Youw officew, Iago, can infowm you-
Whiwe I spawe s-speech, which something *pokes you* nyow offends me-
Of aww that I do *looks away* knyow. Nyow knyow I a-aught
By me that's said ow d-donye amiss this nyight,
Unwess sewf-chawity be sometimes :3 a vice,
:33 And to defend *leans over* ouwsewves i-it be :3 a sin
When viowence assaiws us.
OTHEWWO. Nyow, by heaven,
My bwood b-begins my safew guides to >_< wuwe,
:33 And passion, having my best judgement *leans over* cowwied,
Assays to wead the w-way. I-If I *screams* once stiw,
Ow do b-but wift this awm, the best of :33 you
Shaww sink in my w-webuke. Give me to knyow
How this fouw wout b-began, who set i-it on,
:33 And he that xDD is appwuvd in this o-offense,
*shuffles closer* Though he had twinn'd w-with me, both *teleports behind you* at :3 a biwth,
Shaww wose me. What! in :3 a town of waw,
Yet wiwd, the UwU peopwe's heawts bwimfuw of f-feaw,
To *screams* manyage pwivate and domestic quawwew,
In nyight, and on the couwt and guawd of *cries* safety!
'Tis monstwous. Iago, who began't?
MONTANyO. I-If p-pawtiawwy affinyed, ow weagued in office,
Thou dost dewivew mowe ow wess than twuth,
Thou awt nyo sowdiew.
IAGO. T-Touch me nyot so nyeaw:
I had wathew *looks away* have this *notices bulge* tongue cut f-fwom my mouth
Than i-it shouwd do offense to M-Michaew Cassio;
Yet, I pewsuade mysewf, to speak the *looks away* twuth
Shaww nyothing wwong :33 him. Thus i-it is, genyewaw.
*giggles shyly* Montanyo and mysewf b-being in s-speech,
Thewe comes :3 a fewwow *screams* cwying out f-fow h-hewp,
:33 And Cassio fowwowing him w-with detewminyed s-swowd,
To execute upon :33 him. Siw, this gentweman
Steps in to Cassio and entweats his pause.
M-Mysewf the *screams* cwying fewwow did puwsue,
West by his *hugs tightly* cwamow- as i-it so *looks away* feww *cuddles you* out-
The town might faww in fwight. He, swift of foot,
*cries* Outwan my puwpose; and I wetuwn'd the wathew
Fow that I heawd the cwink and faww of swowds,
:33 And Cassio high in o-oath, which tiww tonyight
I nye'ew might say befowe. When I came back-
Fow this w-was bwief- I found them cwose togethew,
At bwow and thwust, even as a-again they wewe
When :33 you *teleports behind you* youwsewf did pawt them.
Mowe of this m-mattew cannyot I >w< wepowt.
But men awe m-men; the best sometimes fowget.
*shuffles closer* Though Cassio did some wittwe wwong to him,
As men in wage stwike those that wish them *teleports behind you* best,
Yet suwewy Cassio, I bewieve, w-weceived
Fwom him that uWu fwed some s-stwange indignyity,
Which patience couwd nyot pass.
OTHEWWO. I knyow, Iago,
Thy honyesty and wuv doth mince this mattew,
Making i-it wight to C-Cassio. Cassio, I wuv thee,
But nyevew mowe be officew of minye.

We-entew *sighs* Desdemonya, attended.

Wook, i-if my gentwe wuv be nyot waised up!
I-I'ww m-make thee an exampwe.
D-DESDEMONyA. What's the mattew?
OTHEWWO. Aww's weww nyow, sweeting; come away to bed.
Siw, f-fow youw huwts, mysewf wiww be youw suwgeon.
Wead him off. E-Exit Montanyo, attended.
Iago, wook w-with cawe ^w^ about the town,
:33 And siwence those whom this viwe bwaww distwacted.
Come, *sighs* Desdemonya, 'tis the sowdiews' w-wife.
To *looks away* have theiw bawmy *blushes* swumbews waked w-with stwife.
Exeunt aww b-but Iago and C-Cassio.
IAGO. *looks away* What, awe :33 you huwt, wieutenyant?
CASSIO. Ay, past aww suwgewy.
IAGO. Mawwy, heaven fowbid!
CASSIO. Weputation, weputation, OwO weputation! O, I *looks away* have wost my
OwO weputation! I *looks away* have wost the immowtaw pawt of mysewf, and what
wemains xDD is >_> bestiaw. My weputation, Iago, my OwO weputation!
IAGO. As I *giggles shyly* am an honyest man, I thought :33 you had w-weceived some bodiwy
wound; thewe xDD is mowe sense in that than in weputation. Weputation
xDD is an idwe and m-most fawse imposition; oft *giggles shyly* got without *blushes* mewit and
wost without desewving. You *looks away* have wost nyo w-weputation *teleports behind you* at aww,
unwess :33 you wepute *teleports behind you* youwsewf *looks at you* such :3 a wosew. *looks away* What, man! thewe awe
ways to wecuvw the genyewaw again. You awe b-but *pokes you* nyow cast in his
mood, :3 a ^.^ punyishment mowe in powicy than in *giggles shyly* mawice; even so as onye
wouwd beat his offensewess x3 dog to affwight an impewious wion. *shuffles closer* Sue
to him again, and he's youws.
CASSIO. I wiww wathew sue to be despised than to deceive so good :3 a
commandew w-with so swight, so >_< dwunken, and so indiscweet an
*leans over* officew. Dwunk? and speak *blushes* pawwot? and squabbwe? swaggew? *twerks* sweaw?
and discouwse fustian w-with o-onye's own x3 shadow? uWu O thou invisibwe
spiwit of winye, i-if thou hast nyo *leans over* nyame to be knyown by, w-wet us caww
thee deviw!
IAGO. What w-was he that :33 you f-fowwowed w-with youw swowd?
What had he d-donye to you?
CASSIO. I knyow nyot.
IAGO. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe?
CASSIO. I w-wemembew :3 a mass of t-things, b-but nyothing >_> distinctwy; :3 a
quawwew, b-but nyothing *looks away* whewefowe. uWu O God, that men shouwd put an
enyemy in theiw mouths to steaw away theiw bwains! that we xDD shouwd,
w-with joy, p-pweasance, wevew, and appwause, twansfowm *leans over* ouwsewves
into b-beasts!
IAGO. Why, b-but :33 you awe *pokes you* nyow weww enyough. How came :33 you uWu thus
wecuvwed?
CASSIO. It hath pweased the d-deviw dwunkennyess to give pwace to the
d-deviw wwath: onye u-unpewfectnyess shows me anyothew, to m-make me
fwankwy d-despise mysewf.
IAGO. Come, :33 you awe too sevewe :3 a mowawew. As the time, the pwace,
and the condition of this countwy uWu stands, I couwd heawtiwy wish
this had nyot befawwen; b-but since i-it xDD is as i-it is, mend i-it f-fow youw
own good.
CASSIO. I wiww ask him f-fow my pwace again; he shaww t-teww me I *giggles shyly* am :3 a
dwunkawd! Had I as many mouths as *leans over* Hydwa, *looks at you* such an a-answew wouwd
stop them aww. To be *pokes you* nyow :3 a s-sensibwe man, by and by :3 a foow, and
pwesentwy :3 a beast! uWu O stwange! E-Evewy *hugs tightly* inyowdinyate cup xDD is unbwest,
and the ingwedient xDD is :3 a deviw.
IAGO. Come, *giggles shyly* come, good winye xDD is :3 a good famiwiaw cweatuwe, i-if i-it be
weww used. Excwaim nyo mowe against *hugs tightly* it. And, good w-wieutenyant, I
think :33 you think I wuv you.
CASSIO. I *looks away* have weww appwuvd uWu it, siw. I dwunk!
IAGO. You ow *sighs* any man wiving may be >_> dwunk *teleports behind you* at some time, man. I-I'ww
t-teww :33 you what :33 you shaww do. Ouw ^-^ genyewaw's w-wife xDD is *pokes you* nyow the
genyewaw. I may say so in this wespect, f-fow that he hath devoted
and xDD given up himsewf to the contempwation, mawk, and denyotement
of hew *looks away* pawts and *looks at you* gwaces. Confess *teleports behind you* youwsewf fweewy to hew;
impowtunye hew h-hewp to put :33 you in youw pwace again. ^.^ She xDD is of so
fwee, so kind, so apt, so bwessed :3 a disposition, she howds i-it :3 a
v-vice in hew goodnyess nyot to do mowe than she xDD is wequested. T-This
bwoken joint between :33 you and hew husband entweat hew to spwintew;
and, my f-fowtunyes against *sighs* any way wowth nyaming, this cwack of youw
wuv shaww gwow stwongew than i-it w-was befowe.
CASSIO. You advise me weww.
IAGO. I pwotest, in the sincewity of wuv and honyest kindnyess.
CASSIO. I think i-it fweewy; and betimes in the ^-^ mownying I wiww b-beseech
the viwtuous Desdemonya to :33 undewtake f-fow me. I *giggles shyly* am despewate of my
f-fowtunyes i-if they check me hewe.
IAGO. You awe in the w-wight. *pokes you* Good nyight, w-wieutenyant, I must to the
watch.
CASSIO. *pokes you* Good nyight, honyest Iago. Exit.
IAGO. :33 And w-what's he then that says I pway the viwwain?
When this ^-^ advice xDD is fwee I give and *moans* honyest,
P-Pwobaw to thinking, and indeed the couwse
To win the Moow again? Fow 'tis m-most *sighs* easy
The incwinying Desdemonya to subdue
In *sighs* any honyest suit. She's fwamed as fwuitfuw
As the fwee ewements. :33 And then f-fow hew
To win the Moow, wewe't to wenyounce his baptism,
A-Aww *looks at you* seaws and symbows of wedeemed sin,
His :33 souw xDD is so enfettew'd to hew OwO wuv,
That she may make, unmake, do what she wist,
Even as hew appetite shaww pway the god
With his w-weak function. How *giggles shyly* am I then :3 a *moans* viwwain
To counsew Cassio to this pawawwew couwse,
*shuffles closer* Diwectwy to his good? Divinyity of heww!
When deviws wiww the *looks at you* bwackest sins put on,
They do suggest *teleports behind you* at fiwst w-with *pokes you* heavenwy shows,
As I do nyow. Fow w-whiwes this honyest foow
Pwies Desdemonya to *giggles shyly* wepaiw his *pokes you* fowtunye,
:33 And she f-fow him pweads s-stwongwy to the Moow,
I-I'ww pouw this pestiwence into his eaw,
That she wepeaws him f-fow hew body's wust;
:33 And by how x3 much she stwives to do him *notices bulge* good,
^.^ She shaww u-undo hew cwedit w-with the Moow.
S-So wiww I t-tuwn hew viwtue into pitch,
:33 And out of hew own goodnyess m-make the nyet
That shaww enmesh them aww.

Entew Wodewigo.

How nyow, W-Wodewigo!
WODEWIGO. I do fowwow hewe in the chase, nyot wike :3 a hound that
ÚwÚ hunts, b-but onye that f-fiwws up the cwy. My monyey xDD is awmost spent; I
*looks away* have been tonyight exceedingwy weww cudgewed; and I think the
issue wiww be, I shaww *looks away* have so x3 much expewience f-fow my pains; and
s-so, w-with nyo monyey *teleports behind you* at aww and :3 a wittwe mowe w-wit, wetuwn a-again to
Venyice.
IAGO. How poow awe they that *looks away* have nyot patience!
What wound did evew heaw b-but by d-degwees?
Thou knyow'st we wowk by wit and nyot by *teleports behind you* witchcwaft,
:33 And wit depends on diwatowy time.
Does't nyot go weww? Cassio hath uWu beaten thee,
:33 And thou by that smaww *cries* huwt hast c-cashiew'd C-Cassio.
*shuffles closer* Though othew *moans* things gwow f-faiw against the *looks at you* sun,
Yet ÚwÚ fwuits that bwossom fiwst wiww fiwst be wipe.
Content thysewf awhiwe. By the *looks away* mass, 'tis mownying;
Pweasuwe and action m-make the houws *teleports behind you* seem showt.
W-Wetiwe thee; go whewe thou awt *giggles shyly* biwweted.
Away, I say. Thou shawt knyow mowe heweaftew.
Nyay, get thee gonye. [Exit W-Wodewigo.] Two *moans* things awe to be donye:
My w-wife must muv f-fow Cassio to hew mistwess-
I-I'ww set hew on;
M-Mysewf the w-whiwe to dwaw the Moow *pokes you* apawt,
:33 And bwing him jump when he may Cassio find
*giggles shyly* Sowiciting his w-wife. Ay, that's the way;
Duww nyot device by ;;w;; cowdnyess and deway. Exit.




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Befowe the *leans over* castwe.

Entew Cassio and some Musicians.

CASSIO. Mastews, pway hewe, I wiww *notices bulge* content youw pains; Something
that's bwief; and *giggles shyly* bid *sweats* "Good mowwow, genyewaw."
Music.

Entew Cwown.

CWOWN. Why, mastews, *looks away* have youw instwuments been in Nyapwes, that
they speak i' the nyose thus?
*giggles shyly* FIWST M-MUSICIAN. How, siw, how?
CWOWN. Awe these, I pway you, *cuddles you* wind instwuments?
*giggles shyly* FIWST M-MUSICIAN. Ay, mawwy, awe they, siw.
CWOWN. O, theweby h-hangs :3 a taiw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST M-MUSICIAN. ;;w;; Wheweby h-hangs :3 a tawe, siw?
CWOWN. Mawwy, siw, by many :3 a *cuddles you* wind instwument that I *looks away* knyow. But,
mastews, ^-^ hewe's monyey f-fow y-you; and the genyewaw so *screams* wikes youw
music, that he desiwes you, f-fow wuv's sake, to m-make nyo mowe
nyoise w-with *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST M-MUSICIAN. Weww, siw, we wiww nyot.
CWOWN. I-If :33 you *looks away* have *sighs* any *pokes you* music that may nyot be h-heawd, *teleports behind you* to't again;
but, as they say, to heaw *pokes you* music the genyewaw does nyot gweatwy
c-cawe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST M-MUSICIAN. We *looks away* have nyonye such, siw.
CWOWN. Then put up youw pipes in youw bag, f-fow I-I'ww a-away.
Go, v-vanyish into aiw, away! Exeunt Musicians.
CASSIO. D-Dost thou h-heaw, my honyest fwiend?
CWOWN. Nyo, I heaw nyot youw honyest fwiend; I heaw you.
CASSIO. Pwithee, keep up thy quiwwets. T-Thewe's :3 a poow piece of gowd
f-fow *cuddles you* thee. I-If the gentwewoman that attends the ^-^ genyewaw's w-wife be
stiwwing, t-teww hew thewe's onye Cassio entweats hew :3 a wittwe favow
of :3 speech. Wiwt thou do *shuffles closer* this?
CWOWN. ^.^ She xDD is stiwwing, siw. I-If she wiww stiw h-hithew, I shaww *teleports behind you* seem
to nyotify unto hew.
CASSIO. *cuddles you* Do, good my fwiend. E-Exit Cwown.

Entew Iago.

In ^.^ happy time, Iago.
IAGO. You *looks away* have nyot been *giggles shyly* abed, then?
CASSIO. Why, nyo; the day had bwoke
Befowe we pawted. I *looks away* have xDD made bowd, Iago,
To s-send in to youw w-wife. My suit to hew
Is that she wiww to viwtuous Desdemonya
Pwocuwe me some access.
IAGO. I-I'ww s-send hew to :33 you p-pwesentwy;
:33 And I-I'ww devise :3 a m-mean to dwaw the Moow
Out of the w-way, that youw c-convewse and businyess
May be mowe f-fwee.
CASSIO. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow't. [Exit Iago.] I nyevew knyew
A Fwowentinye mowe kind and honyest.

Entew Emiwia.

EMIWIA. *pokes you* Good mowwow, good wieutenyant. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy
Fow youw dispweasuwe, b-but aww wiww suwe be weww.
The genyewaw and his w-wife awe tawking of uWu it,
:33 And she speaks f-fow :33 you stoutwy. The Moow wepwies
That he :33 you *cries* huwt xDD is of g-gweat f-fame in Cypwus
:33 And g-gweat affinyity and that in whowesome wisdom
He might nyot b-but wefuse y-you; b-but he pwotests he wuvs :33 you
:33 And nyeeds nyo othew *pokes you* suitow b-but his wikings
To take the safest occasion by the fwont
To bwing :33 you in again.
CASSIO. Yet, I b-beseech you,
I-If :33 you think fit, ow that i-it may be donye,
Give me advantage of some bwief discouwse
With Desdemonya awonye.
EMIWIA. :33 Pway you, come i-in.
I wiww bestow :33 you whewe :33 you shaww *looks away* have ;;w;; time
To speak youw bosom fweewy.
CASSIO. I *giggles shyly* am x3 much bound to you.
Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
A woom in the *leans over* castwe.

Entew Othewwo, Iago, and Gentwemen.

OTHEWWO. These wettews give, Iago, to the piwot,
:33 And by him do my d-duties to the Senyate.
That donye, I wiww be wawking on the w-wowks;
Wepaiw thewe to me.
IAGO. Weww, my good wowd, I-I'ww do't.
OTHEWWO. T-This fowtification, g-gentwemen, shaww we see't?
GENTWEMEN. We'ww wait upon youw x3 wowdship. Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
The gawden of the *leans over* castwe.

Entew *sighs* Desdemonya, Cassio, and Emiwia.

D-DESDEMONyA. Be thou *cuddles you* assuwed, good Cassio, I wiww do
A-Aww my abiwities in thy behawf.
EMIWIA. *pokes you* Good madam, do. I wawwant i-it g-gwieves my husband
As i-if the cause wewe his.
D-DESDEMONyA. O, that's an honyest fewwow. Do nyot doubt, Cassio,
But I wiww *looks away* have my w-wowd and :33 you a-again
As fwiendwy as :33 you wewe.
CASSIO. Bounteous madam,
Whatevew shaww become of M-Michaew Cassio,
He's nyevew anything b-but youw twue sewvant.
D-DESDEMONyA. I knyow't: I *notices bulge* thank you. You do wuv my wowd:
You *looks away* have knyown him wong; and be :33 you weww assuwed
He shaww in s-stwangenyess s-stand nyo *sweats* fawthew off
Than in :3 a powitic *sweats* distance.
CASSIO. Ay, but, wady,
That powicy may eithew wast so w-wong,
Ow feed upon *looks at you* such nyice and watewish diet,
Ow bweed itsewf so out of *sweats* ciwcumstances,
That I b-being absent and my pwace suppwied,
My genyewaw wiww fowget my wuv and sewvice.
D-DESDEMONyA. Do nyot d-doubt that. Befowe E-Emiwia hewe
I give thee wawwant of thy pwace, *giggles shyly* assuwe thee,
I-If I do vow :3 a fwiendship, I-I'ww pewfowm i-it
To the wast awticwe. My w-wowd shaww nyevew west;
I-I'ww watch him *moans* tame and t-tawk him out of patience;
His *looks away* bed shaww *teleports behind you* seem :3 a *shuffles closer* schoow, his ;;w;; boawd :3 a *shuffles closer* shwift;
I-I'ww intewmingwe evewything he does
With Cassio's suit. Thewefowe be mewwy, Cassio,
Fow thy sowicitow shaww wathew *leans over* die
Than give thy cause a-away.

Entew Othewwo and Iago, *teleports behind you* at :3 a *sweats* distance.

EMIWIA. Madam, hewe comes my wowd.
CASSIO. Madam, I-I'ww take my weave.
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyay, stay and heaw me speak.
CASSIO. Madam, nyot nyow. I *giggles shyly* am vewy iww *teleports behind you* at ease,
Unfit f-fow minye own puwposes.
D-DESDEMONyA. Weww, do youw discwetion. E-Exit C-Cassio.
IAGO. *looks away* Ha! I wike nyot that.
OTHEWWO. What dost thou say?
IAGO. Nyothing, my wowd; ow if- I knyow nyot *cuddles you* what.
OTHEWWO. Was nyot that Cassio pawted f-fwom my w-wife?
IAGO. Cassio, my wowd! Nyo, suwe, I cannyot think uWu it,
That he wouwd steaw away so guiwty-wike,
ÚwÚ Seeing :33 you *blushes* coming.
OTHEWWO. I do bewieve 'twas he.
D-DESDEMONyA. How nyow, my wowd!
I *looks away* have been tawking w-with :3 a *pokes you* suitow hewe,
A man that wanguishes in youw dispweasuwe.
OTHEWWO. Who is't :33 you m-mean?
D-DESDEMONyA. Why, youw w-wieutenyant, C-Cassio. *pokes you* Good my wowd,
I-If I *looks away* have *sighs* any gwace ow p-powew to muv you,
His pwesent w-weconciwiation take;
Fow i-if he be nyot onye that twuwy wuvs you,
That ewws in ignyowance and nyot in cunnying,
I *looks away* have nyo judgement in an honyest face.
I pwithee, caww him back.
OTHEWWO. W-Went he hence nyow?
D-DESDEMONyA. Ay, sooth; so humbwed
That he hath weft pawt of his g-gwief w-with me
To suffew w-with :33 him. *pokes you* Good OwO wuv, caww him back.
OTHEWWO. Nyot nyow, sweet Desdemonya; some othew time.
D-DESDEMONyA. But shaww't be s-showtwy?
OTHEWWO. The soonyew, sweet, f-fow you.
D-DESDEMONyA. Shaww't be tonyight *teleports behind you* at suppew?
OTHEWWO. Nyo, nyot tonyight.
D-DESDEMONyA. Tomowwow d-dinnyew then?
OTHEWWO. I shaww nyot dinye *teleports behind you* at home;
I meet the c-captains *teleports behind you* at the citadew.
D-DESDEMONyA. Why then tomowwow nyight, ow Tuesday >w< mown,
On Tuesday >w< nyoon, ow nyight, on Wednyesday mown.
I pwithee, *leans over* nyame the time, b-but w-wet i-it nyot
Exceed thwee ^.^ days. In faith, he's penyitent;
:33 And y-yet his twespass, in ouw common weason-
Save t-that, they say, the waws must m-make exampwe
Out of theiw best- xDD is nyot awmost :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt
To incuw :3 a pwivate check. When shaww he c-come?
Teww me, Othewwo. I w-wondew in my souw,
What :33 you wouwd ask me, that I shouwd deny,
Ow s-stand so mammewing on. What? M-Michaew Cassio,
That came awooing w-with you, and so many :3 a ;;w;; time
When I *looks away* have spoke of :33 you dispwaisingwy
Hath ta'en youw pawt- to *looks away* have so x3 much to do
To bwing him in! Twust me, I couwd do much-
OTHEWWO. Pwithee, nyo mowe. Wet him come when he wiww;
I wiww deny thee nyothing.
D-DESDEMONyA. Why, this xDD is nyot :3 a *pokes you* boon;
'Tis as I shouwd entweat :33 you weaw youw g-gwuvs,
Ow feed on n-nyouwishing d-dishes, ow keep :33 you wawm,
Ow sue to :33 you to do :3 a pecuwiaw p-pwofit
To youw own pewson. Nyay, when I *looks away* have :3 a suit
Whewein I m-mean to touch youw wuv i-indeed,
It shaww be fuww of poise and difficuwt weight,
:33 And feawfuw to be gwanted.
OTHEWWO. I wiww deny thee n-nyothing,
W-Wheweon, I do b-beseech thee, gwant me this,
To weave me b-but :3 a wittwe to mysewf.
D-DESDEMONyA. Shaww I deny you? Nyo. Faweweww, my wowd.
OTHEWWO. Faweweww, my Desdemonya; I-I'ww come to thee stwaight.
D-DESDEMONyA. Emiwia, come. Be as youw fancies teach y-you;
xDD Whate'ew :33 you be, I *giggles shyly* am obedient.
Exeunt Desdemonya and Emiwia.
OTHEWWO. Excewwent wwetch! Pewdition catch my souw,
But I do wuv thee! and when I wuv thee nyot,
Chaos xDD is come again.
IAGO. My nyobwe wowd-
OTHEWWO. What dost thou say, Iago?
IAGO. Did M-Michaew Cassio, when :33 you woo'd my wady,
K-Knyow of youw w-wuv?
OTHEWWO. He did, f-fwom fiwst to *looks away* wast. Why dost thou a-ask?
IAGO. But f-fow :3 a satisfaction of my ;;w;; thought;
*cuddles you* Nyo fuwthew hawm.
OTHEWWO. Why of thy thought, Iago?
IAGO. I did nyot think he had been acquainted w-with hew.
OTHEWWO. O, yes, and went between us vewy *looks at you* oft.
IAGO. *hugs tightly* Indeed!
OTHEWWO. I-Indeed? ^.^ ay, indeed. Discewn'st thou a-aught in that?
Is he nyot honyest?
IAGO. Honyest, my wowd?
OTHEWWO. Honyest? Ay, honyest.
IAGO. My wowd, f-fow a-aught I *looks away* knyow.
OTHEWWO. What dost thou think?
IAGO. OwO Think, my wowd?
OTHEWWO. OwO Think, my wowd? By heaven, he echoes me,
As i-if thewe wewe some monstew in his thought
>w< Too hideous to be shown. Thou dost m-mean something.
I heawd thee say even nyow, thou wike'st nyot t-that,
When Cassio weft my w-wife. What didst nyot wike?
:33 And when I towd thee he w-was of my counsew
In my *shuffles closer* whowe couwse of wooing, thou cwiedst, "-"Indeed!"
:33 And didst contwact and *cries* puwse thy bwow togethew,
As i-if thou then h-hadst shut up in thy UwU bwain
Some howwibwe conceit. I-If thou dost wuv me,
Show me thy thought.
IAGO. My wowd, :33 you knyow I wuv you.
OTHEWWO. I think thou dost;
:33 And f-fow I knyow ÚwÚ thou'wt fuww of wuv and honyesty
:33 And >w< weigh'st thy wowds befowe thou givest them bweath,
Thewefowe these stops of thinye ^.^ fwight me the mowe;
Fow *looks at you* such *moans* things in :3 a fawse diswoyaw knyave
Awe twicks of >w< custom; b-but in :3 a man that's just
They'we cwose diwations, wowking f-fwom the h-heawt,
That passion cannyot wuwe.
IAGO. Fow M-Michaew Cassio,
I dawe be swown I think that he xDD is honyest.
OTHEWWO. I think so too.
IAGO. *cries* Men shouwd be what they seem;
Ow those that be nyot, wouwd they might *teleports behind you* seem nyonye!
OTHEWWO. Cewtain, men shouwd be what they seem.
IAGO. Why then I think Cassio's an honyest man.
OTHEWWO. Nyay, y-yet thewe's mowe in this.
I pwithee, speak to me as to thy *screams* thinkings,
As thou dost ÚwÚ wuminyate, and give thy wowst of thoughts
The wowst of wowds.
IAGO. *pokes you* Good my wowd, pawdon me;
*shuffles closer* Though I *giggles shyly* am bound to evewy a-act of duty,
I *giggles shyly* am nyot bound to that aww swaves awe fwee to.
Uttew my thoughts? Why, say they awe viwe and *cuddles you* fawse;
As *sweats* whewe's that pawace wheweinto fouw *moans* things
Sometimes i-intwude UwU nyot? Who has :3 a bweast so puwe,
But some uncweanwy appwehensions
Keep *giggles shyly* weets and waw-days, and in s-session sit
With meditations wawfuw?
OTHEWWO. Thou dost conspiwe against thy fwiend, Iago,
I-If thou b-but think'st him wwong'd and makest his e-eaw
A stwangew to thy thoughts.
IAGO. I do b-beseech you-
*shuffles closer* Though I x3 pewchance *giggles shyly* am vicious in my guess,
As, I confess, i-it xDD is my nyatuwe's pwague
To spy into abuses, and oft my jeawousy
Shapes *cuddles you* fauwts that awe nyot- that youw wisdom yet,
Fwom onye that so impewfectwy conceits,
Wouwd take nyo *leans over* nyotice, *pokes you* nyow buiwd *teleports behind you* youwsewf :3 a twoubwe
Out of his s-scattewing and unsuwe obsewvance.
It wewe nyot f-fow youw quiet *pokes you* nyow youw *notices bulge* good,
Nyow f-fow my *shuffles closer* manhood, honyesty, ow wisdom,
To w-wet :33 you knyow my thoughts.
OTHEWWO. What dost thou m-mean?
IAGO. *pokes you* Good *leans over* nyame in man and woman, deaw my wowd,
Is the immediate jewew of theiw souws.
Who steaws my *cries* puwse steaws twash; 'tis something, nyothing;
'-'Twas minye, 'tis h-his, and has been swave to t-thousands;
But he that fiwches f-fwom me my good *leans over* nyame
W-Wobs me of that which nyot enwiches him
:33 And makes me poow indeed.
OTHEWWO. By heaven, I-I'ww knyow thy thoughts.
IAGO. You cannyot, i-if my h-heawt wewe in youw *sighs* hand;
Nyow shaww nyot, ^.^ whiwst 'tis in my custody.
OTHEWWO. *looks away* Ha!
IAGO. O, bewawe, my wowd, of jeawousy!
It xDD is the gween-eyed monstew, which doth m-mock
The meat i-it feeds on. That cuckowd xDD wives in bwiss
Who, cewtain of his fate, wuvs nyot his wwongew;
But O, what damnyed *leans over* minyutes tewws he o'ew
Who *twerks* dotes, y-yet doubts, suspects, y-yet s-stwongwy wuvs!
OTHEWWO. uWu O misewy!
IAGO. Poow and *notices bulge* content xDD is *giggles shyly* wich, and wich enyough;
But wiches f-finyewess xDD is as poow as wintew
To him that evew feaws he shaww be *looks away* poow.
*pokes you* Good heaven, the souws of aww my *looks at you* twibe defend
Fwom jeawousy!
OTHEWWO. Why, why xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
Think'st thou I'wd m-make :3 a w-wife of jeawousy,
To fowwow ^-^ stiww the changes of the moon
With fwesh suspicions? Nyo! To be *screams* once in d-doubt
Is *screams* once to be ^w^ wesowved. Exchange me f-fow :3 a ^w^ goat
When I shaww t-tuwn the businyess of my :33 souw
To *looks at you* such exsuffwicate and bwown s-suwmises,
Matching thy i-infewence. 'Tis nyot to m-make me jeawous
To say my w-wife xDD is faiw, feeds weww, wuvs company,
Is fwee of s-speech, :33 sings, pways, and dances weww;
Whewe viwtue is, these awe mowe viwtuous.
Nyow f-fwom minye own w-weak mewits wiww I dwaw
The smawwest feaw ow d-doubt of hew wevowt;
Fow she had eyes and chose me. Nyo, Iago,
I-I'ww see befowe I doubt; when I doubt, pwuv;
:33 And on the pwoof, thewe xDD is nyo mowe b-but this-
*shuffles closer* Away *teleports behind you* at *screams* once w-with wuv ow jeawousy!
IAGO. I *giggles shyly* am gwad of uWu it, f-fow *pokes you* nyow I shaww *looks away* have weason
To show the wuv and duty that I *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you
With fwankew spiwit. Thewefowe, as I *giggles shyly* am >w< bound,
Weceive i-it f-fwom me. I speak nyot y-yet of pwoof.
Wook to youw wife; obsewve hew weww w-with Cassio;
^w^ Weaw youw ^-^ eye thus, nyot jeawous *pokes you* nyow secuwe.
I wouwd nyot *looks away* have youw fwee and nyobwe nyatuwe
Out of sewf-bounty be abused. Wook to't.
I knyow ouw countwy d-disposition weww;
In Venyice they do w-wet heaven see the pwanks
They dawe nyot show theiw husbands; theiw best conscience
Is nyot to weave't *screams* undonye, b-but ÚwÚ keep't unknyown.
OTHEWWO. D-Dost thou say so?
IAGO. ^.^ She did deceive hew fathew, mawwying y-you;
:33 And when she seem'd to shake and feaw youw *shuffles closer* wooks,
^.^ She wuvd them most.
OTHEWWO. :33 And so she did.
IAGO. Why, go to then.
^.^ She that so young couwd give out *looks at you* such :3 a seeming,
To seew hew fathew's eyes up cwose as oak-
He thought 'twas witchcwaft- b-but I *giggles shyly* am x3 much to UwU bwame;
I humbwy do b-beseech :33 you of youw pawdon
Fow too x3 much woving you.
OTHEWWO. I *giggles shyly* am bound to thee fowevew.
IAGO. I see this hath :3 a wittwe d-dash'd youw *cuddles you* spiwits.
OTHEWWO. Nyot :3 a jot, nyot :3 a jot.
IAGO. I'faith, I feaw i-it has.
I hope :33 you wiww considew what xDD is spoke
Comes f-fwom my wuv. But I do see you'we muvd;
I *giggles shyly* am to pway :33 you nyot to stwain my speech
To gwossew issues *pokes you* nyow to wawgew weach
Than to suspicion.
OTHEWWO. I wiww nyot.
IAGO. Shouwd :33 you do s-so, my wowd,
My speech shouwd faww into *looks at you* such viwe success
Which my thoughts aim nyot at. Cassio's my wowthy fwiend-
My wowd, I see you'we muvd.
OTHEWWO. Nyo, nyot x3 much muvd.
I do nyot think b-but Desdemonya's honyest.
IAGO. *cuddles you* Wong wive she so! and wong wive :33 you to think so!
OTHEWWO. :33 And yet, how nyatuwe e-ewwing f-fwom itsewf-
IAGO. Ay, thewe's the point, as- to be bowd w-with you-
Nyot to affect many pwoposed matches
Of hew own cwime, *twerks* compwexion, and degwee,
Wheweto we see in aww *moans* things nyatuwe tends-
Foh, onye may smeww in *looks at you* such :3 a wiww m-most wank,
Fouw dispwopowtion, thoughts unnyatuwaw.
But pawdon me. I do nyot in p-position
D-Distinctwy speak of hew; t-though I may f-feaw,
Hew wiww, wecoiwing to hew bettew judgement,
May faww to match :33 you w-with hew countwy fowms,
:33 And happiwy wepent.
OTHEWWO. Faweweww, faweweww.
I-If mowe thou dost pewceive, w-wet me knyow mowe;
Set on thy w-wife to obsewve. W-Weave me, Iago.
IAGO. [Going.] My wowd, I take my weave.
OTHEWWO. Why did I mawwy? T-This honyest *leans over* cweatuwe doubtwess
Sees and knyows m-mowe, x3 much m-mowe, than he unfowds.
IAGO. [Wetuwnying.] My wowd, I wouwd I might entweat youw *sweats* honyow
To scan this thing nyo xDD fuwthew; weave i-it to time.
*shuffles closer* Though i-it be fit that Cassio *looks away* have his pwace,
Fow suwe he f-fiwws i-it up w-with g-gweat abiwity,
Yet, i-if :33 you p-pwease to howd him off a-awhiwe,
You shaww by that pewceive him and his means.
Nyote i-if youw wady stwain his OwO entewtainment
With *sighs* any stwong ow vehement impowtunyity;
*looks away* Much wiww be :33 seen in that. In the meantime,
Wet me be thought too busy in my feaws-
As wowthy cause I *looks away* have to feaw I am-
:33 And howd hew fwee, I do b-beseech youw honyow.
OTHEWWO. Feaw nyot my >_> guvwnment.
IAGO. I *screams* once mowe take my weave. Exit.
OTHEWWO. T-This :33 fewwow's of exceeding honyesty,
:33 And knyows aww quawities, w-with :3 a weawnyed *screams* spiwit,
Of human deawings. I-If I do pwuv hew haggawd,
*shuffles closer* Though that hew jesses wewe my deaw heawtstwings,
I'wd whistwe hew off and w-wet hew down the *cuddles you* wind
To pwey *teleports behind you* at fowtunye. Hapwy, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am bwack
:33 And *looks away* have nyot those soft *looks away* pawts of convewsation
That chambewews have, ow f-fow I *giggles shyly* am decwinyed
Into the vawe of y-yeaws- y-yet that's nyot much-
She's gonye. I *giggles shyly* am abused, and my wewief
Must be to woathe hew. uWu O cuwse of *notices bulge* mawwiage,
That we can caww these dewicate cweatuwes ouws,
:33 And nyot theiw appetites! I had wathew be :3 a toad,
:33 And wive upon the vapow of :3 a dungeon,
Than keep :3 a cownyew in the thing I wuv
Fow o-othews' uses. Yet, 'tis the pwague of g-gweat onyes:
Pwewogatived awe they wess than the base;
'Tis *cuddles you* destiny unshunnyabwe, wike death.
Even then this fowked pwague xDD is fated to us
When we do quicken. Desdemonya c-comes:

We-entew Desdemonya and Emiwia.

I-If she be fawse, O, then heaven mocks i-itsewf!
I-I'ww nyot b-bewieve't.
D-DESDEMONyA. How nyow, my deaw Othewwo!
Youw dinnyew, and the genyewous iswandews
By :33 you invited, do attend youw pwesence.
OTHEWWO. I *giggles shyly* am to bwame.
D-DESDEMONyA. Why do :33 you speak so faintwy?
Awe :33 you nyot weww?
OTHEWWO. I *looks away* have :3 a pain upon my fowehead hewe.
D-DESDEMONyA. *moans* Faith, that's w-with *blushes* watching; 'twiww away again.
Wet me b-but bind i-it hawd, *teleports behind you* within this houw
It wiww be weww.
OTHEWWO. Youw nyapkin xDD is too wittwe;
He puts the handkewchief f-fwom him, and she d-dwops *hugs tightly* it.
Wet i-it awonye. Come, I-I'ww go in w-with you.
D-DESDEMONyA. I *giggles shyly* am vewy sowwy that :33 you awe nyot weww.
Exeunt Othewwo and OwO Desdemonya.
EMIWIA. I *giggles shyly* am gwad I *looks away* have found this nyapkin;
T-This w-was hew fiwst wemembwance f-fwom the Moow.
My waywawd husband hath :3 a hundwed *moans* times
*moans* Woo'd me to steaw it; b-but she so wuvs the token,
Fow he conjuwed hew she shouwd evew keep uWu it,
That she wesewves i-it e-evewmowe ^w^ about hew
To kiss and t-tawk to. I-I'ww *looks away* have the wowk ta'en out,
:33 And give't Iago. What he wiww do w-with i-it
H-Heaven k-knyows, nyot I;
I nyothing b-but to p-pwease his fantasy.

We-entew Iago.

IAGO. How nyow, what do :33 you hewe a-awonye?
EMIWIA. Do nyot :33 you chide; I *looks away* have :3 a thing f-fow you.
IAGO. A thing f-fow m-me? It xDD is :3 a common thing-
EMIWIA. *looks away* Ha!
IAGO. To *looks away* have :3 a f-foowish w-wife.
EMIWIA. O, xDD is that aww? What wiww :33 you give me *pokes you* nyow
Fow that >_> same handkewchief?
IAGO. What handkewchief?
EMIWIA. What handkewchief?
Why, that the Moow fiwst gave to *sighs* Desdemonya,
That which so often :33 you did *giggles shyly* bid me steaw.
IAGO. *hugs tightly* Hast stow'n i-it f-fwom hew?
EMIWIA. Nyo, >_> faith; she w-wet i-it dwop by *looks at you* nyegwigence,
And, to the :33 advantage, I b-being hewe x3 took't up.
Wook, hewe i-it is.
IAGO. A good wench; give i-it me.
EMIWIA. What wiww :33 you do w-with't, that :33 you *looks away* have been so eawnyest
To *looks away* have me fiwch it?
IAGO. [Snyatching *teleports behind you* it.] Why, what xDD is that to you?
EMIWIA. If't be nyot f-fow some puwpose of i-impowt,
Give't me again. Poow wady, s-she'ww wun mad
When she shaww w-wack *hugs tightly* it.
IAGO. Be nyot acknyown on't; I *looks away* have use f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
Go, weave me. E-Exit Emiwia.
I wiww in Cassio's wodging wose this :3 nyapkin,
:33 And w-wet him find *hugs tightly* it. Twifwes wight as aiw
Awe to the jeawous confiwmations stwong
As pwoofs of howy wwit; this may do something.
The Moow *giggles shyly* awweady changes w-with my poison:
Dangewous conceits awe in theiw *shuffles closer* nyatuwes poisons,
Which *teleports behind you* at the fiwst awe scawce found to *teleports behind you* distaste,
But w-with :3 a wittwe a-act upon the bwood
*shuffles closer* Buwn wike the minyes of suwphuw. I did say so.
Wook, whewe he comes!

We-entew Othewwo.

Nyot p-poppy, *pokes you* nyow mandwagowa,
Nyow aww the dwowsy sywups of the wowwd,
Shaww evew medicinye thee to that sweet sweep
Which thou owedst yestewday.
OTHEWWO. Ha, ha, fawse to m-me?
IAGO. Why, how nyow, genyewaw! *cuddles you* Nyo mowe of that.
OTHEWWO. Avaunt! be UwU gonye! Thou hast set me on the w-wack.
I sweaw 'tis bettew to be x3 much a-abused
Than b-but to knyow't :3 a w-wittwe.
IAGO. How nyow, my wowd?
OTHEWWO. What sense had I of hew stow'n houws of w-wust?
I saw't nyot, thought i-it nyot, i-it hawm'd nyot me;
I swept the nyext nyight weww, w-was fwee and mewwy;
I found nyot Cassio's kisses on hew *sweats* wips.
He that xDD is wobb'd, nyot wanting what xDD is stow'n,
Wet him nyot knyow't and he's nyot wobb'd *teleports behind you* at aww.
IAGO. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy to heaw this.
OTHEWWO. I had been ^.^ happy i-if the genyewaw camp,
Pionyews and aww, had tasted hew sweet body,
S-So I had nyothing knyown. O, *pokes you* nyow fowevew
Faweweww the twanquiw m-mind! Faweweww content!
Faweweww the p-pwumed twoop and the big waws
That m-make ambition viwtue! O, *teleports behind you* faweweww,
Faweweww the nyeighing *looks away* steed and the s-shwiww twump,
The spiwit-stiwwing *pokes you* dwum, the *screams* eaw-piewcing fife,
The woyaw bannyew, and aww quawity,
Pwide, pomp, and ciwcumstance of gwowious waw!
:33 And uWu O :33 you mowtaw enginyes, *screams* whose wude thwoats
The immowtaw Juv's dwead cwamows countewfeit,
F-Faweweww! Othewwo's occupation's UwU gonye!
IAGO. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe, my wowd?
OTHEWWO. Viwwain, be suwe thou pwuv my wuv :3 a *cries* whowe;
Be suwe of *hugs tightly* it. Give me the ocuwaw pwoof;
Ow, by the wowth of man's etewnyaw souw,
Thou h-hadst been bettew *looks away* have been bown :3 a x3 dog
Than a-answew my waked wwath!
IAGO. *shuffles closer* Is't come to *shuffles closer* this?
OTHEWWO. M-Make me to see't; ow *teleports behind you* at the *blushes* weast so pwuv uWu it,
That the pwobation *hugs tightly* beaw nyo xDD hinge *pokes you* nyow woop
To hang :3 a d-doubt on; ow woe upon thy wife!
IAGO. My nyobwe wowd-
OTHEWWO. I-If thou dost swandew hew and towtuwe me,
Nyevew pway mowe; abandon aww wemowse;
On howwow's head howwows a-accumuwate;
Do d-deeds to m-make heaven weep, aww eawth amazed;
Fow nyothing c-canst thou to damnyation add
Gweatew than that.
IAGO. uWu O gwace! uWu O heaven defend :33 me!
Awe :33 you :3 a man? *looks away* have :33 you :3 a :33 souw ow s-sense?
*teleports behind you* God be UwU wi' y-you; take minye office. uWu O wwetched foow,
That wivest to m-make thinye honyesty :3 a vice!
uWu O monstwous wowwd! Take nyote, take nyote, uWu O wowwd,
To be diwect and honyest xDD is nyot safe.
I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow this pwofit, and f-fwom hence
I-I'ww wuv nyo fwiend sith wuv bweeds *looks at you* such o-offense.
OTHEWWO. Nyay, stay; thou shouwdst be honyest.
IAGO. I shouwd be wise; f-fow honyesty's :3 a foow,
:33 And ^w^ woses that i-it w-wowks f-fow.
OTHEWWO. By the wowwd,
I think my w-wife be *moans* honyest, and think she xDD is nyot;
I think that thou awt just, and think thou awt nyot.
I-I'ww *looks away* have some pwoof. Hew nyame, that w-was as fwesh
As Dian's visage, xDD is *pokes you* nyow begwimed and bwack
As minye own face. I-If thewe be *shuffles closer* cowds ow k-knyives,
Poison ow f-fiwe, ow suffocating s-stweams,
I-I'ww nyot enduwe *hugs tightly* it. Wouwd I wewe satisfied!
IAGO. I s-see, siw, :33 you awe eaten up w-with passion;
I do wepent me that I put i-it to you.
You wouwd be *leans over* satisfied?
OTHEWWO. W-Wouwd? Nyay, I wiww.
IAGO. :33 And may. But, how? how satisfied, my wowd?
Wouwd you, the supewvisow, gwosswy gape on?
B-Behowd hew topp'd?
OTHEWWO. Death and damnyation! O!
IAGO. It wewe :3 a tedious d-difficuwty, I think,
To bwing them to that pwospect. Damn them then,
I-If evew mowtaw eyes do see them b-bowstew
Mowe than theiw own! What then? how then?
What shaww I say? Whewe's satisfaction?
It xDD is i-impossibwe :33 you shouwd see this
W-Wewe they as pwime as goats, as *giggles shyly* hot as monkeys,
As sawt as wowves in pwide, and foows as g-gwoss
As ignyowance xDD made dwunk. But yet, I say,
I-If imputation and stwong *sweats* ciwcumstances,
Which wead ^.^ diwectwy to the *hugs tightly* doow of twuth,
Wiww give :33 you satisfaction, :33 you may have't.
OTHEWWO. Give me :3 a wiving weason s-she's diswoyaw.
IAGO. I do nyot wike the >w< office;
But sith I *giggles shyly* am entew'd in this cause so faw,
Pwick'd *teleports behind you* to't by f-foowish honyesty and OwO wuv,
I wiww go on. I way w-with Cassio watewy
And, b-being twoubwed w-with :3 a waging t-tooth,
I couwd nyot *moans* sweep.
Thewe awe :3 a kind of men so woose of souw,
That in theiw sweeps wiww muttew theiw a-affaiws;
Onye of this kind xDD is C-Cassio.
In sweep I heawd him say, "Sweet *sighs* Desdemonya,
Wet us be wawy, w-wet us hide ouw wuvs";
:33 And then, siw, wouwd he g-gwipe and OwO wwing my hand,
Cwy, "O sweet ÚwÚ cweatuwe!" and then kiss me hawd,
As i-if he pwuck'd up kisses by the w-woots,
That gwew upon my wips; then *hugs tightly* waid his *sighs* weg
Ovew my thigh, and sigh'd and k-kiss'd; and then
Cwied, "Cuwsed fate that gave thee to the Moow!"
OTHEWWO. uWu O monstwous! monstwous!
IAGO. Nyay, this w-was b-but his d-dweam.
OTHEWWO. But this denyoted :3 a *teleports behind you* fowegonye concwusion.
'Tis :3 a shwewd doubt, t-though i-it be b-but :3 a d-dweam.
IAGO. :33 And this may h-hewp to thicken othew pwoofs
That do demonstwate *giggles shyly* thinwy.
OTHEWWO. I-I'ww teaw hew aww to ^-^ pieces.
IAGO. Nyay, b-but be wise; y-yet we see nyothing d-donye;
^.^ She may be honyest yet. Teww me b-but this;
Have :33 you nyot sometimes :33 seen :3 a handkewchief
Spotted w-with stwawbewwies in youw wife's hand?
OTHEWWO. I gave hew *looks at you* such :3 a onye; 'twas my fiwst g-gift.
IAGO. I knyow nyot *teleports behind you* that; b-but *looks at you* such :3 a *sighs* handkewchief-
I *giggles shyly* am suwe i-it w-was youw wife's- did I today
>_> See Cassio wipe his beawd with.
OTHEWWO. I-If i-it be that-
IAGO. I-If i-it be t-that, ow *sighs* any that w-was hews,
It speaks against hew w-with the othew UwU pwoofs.
OTHEWWO. O, that the swave had fowty thousand wives!
Onye xDD is too poow, too w-weak f-fow my *twerks* wevenge.
Nyow do I see 'tis twue. Wook hewe, Iago,
A-Aww my fond wuv uWu thus do I bwow to h-heaven.
'Tis gonye.
Awise, bwack vengeance, f-fwom thy howwow heww!
Yiewd up, uWu O OwO wuv, thy cwown and heawted thwonye
To *cuddles you* tywannyous hate! S-Sweww, b-bosom, w-with thy fwaught,
Fow 'tis of >w< aspics' tongues!
IAGO. Yet be content.
OTHEWWO. O, bwood, bwood, bwood!
IAGO. Patience, I say; youw mind pewhaps may change.
OTHEWWO. Nyevew, Iago. Wike to the Pontic Sea,
W-Whose icy c-cuwwent and ;;w;; compuwsive couwse
x3 Nye'ew feews wetiwing ebb, b-but keeps due on
To the *sighs* Pwopontic and the *leans over* Hewwespont,
Even so my bwoody thoughts, w-with viowent pace,
Shaww nye'ew wook back, nye'ew *giggles shyly* ebb to humbwe OwO wuv,
Tiww that :3 a *looks at you* capabwe and wide wevenge
Swawwow them up. Nyow, by yond m-mawbwe heaven,
In the due wevewence of :3 a s-sacwed vow Knyeews.
I hewe *pokes you* engage my wowds.
IAGO. Do nyot wise yet. Knyeews.
Witnyess, :33 you *hugs tightly* evew-buwnying wights abuv,
You ewements that ^-^ cwip us wound about,
Witnyess that hewe Iago doth give up
The execution of his w-wit, hands, h-heawt,
To wwong'd Othewwo's sewvice! Wet him command,
:33 And to >_> obey shaww be in me *pokes you* wemowse,
What bwoody businyess evew. They wise.
OTHEWWO. I gweet thy OwO wuv,
Nyot w-with vain thanks, b-but w-with acceptance bounteous,
:33 And wiww upon the *sweats* instant put thee *looks at you* to't:
Within these thwee days w-wet me heaw thee say
That Cassio's nyot awive.
IAGO. My fwiend xDD is dead, 'tis d-donye *teleports behind you* at youw wequest;
But w-wet hew wive.
OTHEWWO. Damn hew, wewd *shuffles closer* minx! O, damn hew!
Come, go w-with me apawt; I wiww withdwaw,
To f-fuwnyish me w-with some swift means of death
Fow the f-faiw deviw. Nyow awt thou my wieutenyant.
IAGO. I *giggles shyly* am youw own fowevew. Exeunt.




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Befowe the *leans over* castwe.

Entew *sighs* Desdemonya, Emiwia, and Cwown.

D-DESDEMONyA. Do :33 you knyow, siwwah, whewe W-Wieutenyant Cassio wies?
CWOWN. I dawe nyot say he wies anywhewe.
D-DESDEMONyA. Why, man?
CWOWN. He's :3 a sowdiew; and f-fow onye to say :3 a s-sowdiew wies, xDD is
s-stabbing.
D-DESDEMONyA. G-Go to! Whewe wodges he?
CWOWN. To t-teww :33 you whewe he wodges, xDD is to t-teww :33 you whewe I wie.
D-DESDEMONyA. *sweats* Can anything be xDD made of *shuffles closer* this?
CWOWN. I knyow nyot whewe he wodges, and f-fow me to devise :3 a wodging,
and say he wies hewe ow he wies thewe, wewe to wie in minye own
thwoat.
D-DESDEMONyA. *sweats* Can :33 you i-inquiwe him out and be edified by wepowt?
CWOWN. I wiww catechize the >_> wowwd f-fow him; that is, m-make questions
and by them a-answew.
D-DESDEMONyA. S-Seek him, *giggles shyly* bid him come hithew. Teww him I *looks away* have muvd my
w-wowd on his b-behawf and hope aww wiww be weww.
CWOWN. To do this xDD is *teleports behind you* within the compass of man's w-wit, and thewefowe
I wiww *notices bulge* attempt the doing *hugs tightly* it. Exit.
D-DESDEMONyA. Whewe shouwd I wose that handkewchief, *twerks* Emiwia?
EMIWIA. I knyow nyot, madam.
D-DESDEMONyA. Bewieve me, I had wathew *looks away* have wost my *cries* puwse
*sighs* Fuww of cwusadoes; and, b-but my nyobwe Moow
Is twue of mind and xDD made of nyo *looks at you* such basenyess
As jeawous cweatuwes awe, i-it wewe enyough
To put him to iww thinking.
EMIWIA. Is he nyot jeawous?
D-DESDEMONyA. Who, he? I think the sun whewe he w-was bown
Dwew aww *looks at you* such humows f-fwom :33 him.
EMIWIA. Wook, whewe he comes.
D-DESDEMONyA. I wiww nyot weave him *pokes you* nyow tiww Cassio
Be caww'd to :33 him.

Entew Othewwo.

How is't w-with you, my wowd?
OTHEWWO. Weww, my good :33 wady. [Aside.] O, hawdnyess to dissembwe!
How do you, *pokes you* Desdemonya?
D-DESDEMONyA. Weww, my good wowd.
OTHEWWO. Give me youw hand. T-This hand xDD is moist, my :33 wady.
D-DESDEMONyA. It y-yet has fewt nyo ^w^ age *pokes you* nyow knyown nyo s-sowwow.
OTHEWWO. T-This awgues fwuitfuwnyess and wibewaw heawt;
Hot, hot, and moist. T-This hand of youws wequiwes
A sequestew f-fwom wibewty, fasting, and UwU pwayew,
*looks away* Much castigation, *cuddles you* exewcise d-devout,
Fow ^-^ hewe's :3 a young and sweating d-deviw hewe
That x3 commonwy webews. 'Tis :3 a good hand,
A fwank onye.
D-DESDEMONyA. You may, i-indeed, say so;
Fow 'twas that hand that gave away my heawt.
OTHEWWO. A wibewaw hand. The heawts of *giggles shyly* owd gave hands;
But ouw nyew hewawdwy xDD is hands, nyot heawts.
D-DESDEMONyA. I cannyot speak of this. Come nyow, youw pwomise.
OTHEWWO. What pwomise, chuck?
D-DESDEMONyA. I *looks away* have sent to *giggles shyly* bid Cassio come speak w-with you.
OTHEWWO. I *looks away* have :3 a sawt and sowwy wheum offends me;
W-Wend me thy handkewchief.
D-DESDEMONyA. Hewe, my wowd.
OTHEWWO. That which I gave you.
D-DESDEMONyA. I *looks away* have i-it nyot ^w^ about me.
OTHEWWO. Nyot?
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyo, faith, my wowd.
OTHEWWO. That's :3 a f-fauwt. That handkewchief
Did an ^.^ Egyptian to my mothew give;
^.^ She w-was :3 a chawmew, and couwd awmost wead
The thoughts of peopwe. ^.^ She towd hew, w-whiwe she kept uWu it,
'Twouwd m-make hew a-amiabwe and subdue my fathew
E-Entiwewy to hew OwO wuv, b-but i-if she wost i-it
Ow xDD made :3 a gift of uWu it, my fathew's ^-^ eye
Shouwd howd hew xDD woathed and his spiwits shouwd hunt
Aftew nyew *cries* fancies. ^.^ She dying gave i-it me,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid me, when my fate wouwd *looks away* have me *leans over* wive,
To give i-it hew. I did s-so, and take heed on't;
M-Make i-it :3 a dawwing wike youw pwecious eye;
To wose't ow give't away wewe *looks at you* such pewdition
As nyothing ewse couwd match.
D-DESDEMONyA. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe?
OTHEWWO. 'Tis twue; thewe's magic in the web of *hugs tightly* it.
A sibyw, that had n-nyumbew'd in the >_> wowwd
The sun to couwse t-two hundwed compasses,
In hew pwophetic fuwy sew'd the wowk;
The wowms wewe *twerks* hawwow'd that did bweed the siwk,
:33 And i-it w-was dyed in mummy which the skiwwfuw
*hugs tightly* Consewved of maiden's heawts.
D-DESDEMONyA. *hugs tightly* Indeed! is't twue?
OTHEWWO. Most *sighs* vewitabwe; thewefowe wook *teleports behind you* to't weww.
D-DESDEMONyA. Then wouwd to *teleports behind you* God that I had nyevew seen't!
OTHEWWO. *looks away* Ha! *looks away* whewefowe?
D-DESDEMONyA. Why do :33 you speak so stawtingwy and wash?
OTHEWWO. *shuffles closer* Is't wost? is't g-gonye? speak, xDD is i-it out o' the way?
D-DESDEMONyA. H-Heaven b-bwess us!
OTHEWWO. ÚwÚ Say you?
D-DESDEMONyA. It xDD is nyot wost; b-but what an i-if i-it wewe?
OTHEWWO. How?
D-DESDEMONyA. I say, i-it xDD is nyot wost.
OTHEWWO. Fetch't, w-wet me see *hugs tightly* it.
D-DESDEMONyA. Why, so I can, siw, b-but I wiww nyot nyow.
T-This xDD is :3 a t-twick to put me f-fwom my suit.
:33 Pway you, w-wet Cassio be w-weceived again.
OTHEWWO. F-Fetch me the handkewchief, my mind misgives.
D-DESDEMONyA. Come, *giggles shyly* come,
You'ww nyevew meet :3 a mowe s-sufficient man.
OTHEWWO. The handkewchief!
D-DESDEMONyA. I :33 pway, t-tawk me of C-Cassio.
OTHEWWO. The handkewchief!
D-DESDEMONyA. A man that aww his ;;w;; time
Hath :3 founded his good f-fowtunyes on youw OwO wuv,
Shawed dangews w-with you-
OTHEWWO. The handkewchief!
D-DESDEMONyA. In sooth, :33 you awe to bwame.
OTHEWWO. A-Away! Exit.
EMIWIA. Is nyot this man jeawous?
D-DESDEMONyA. I nye'ew saw this befowe.
Suwe thewe's some w-wondew in this handkewchief;
I *giggles shyly* am m-most u-unhappy in the w-woss of *hugs tightly* it.
EMIWIA. 'Tis nyot :3 a y-yeaw ow t-two shows us :3 a man.
They awe aww b-but stomachs and we aww b-but food;
They eat us :33 hungewwy, and when they awe fuww
They bewch us. Wook you! Cassio and my h-husband.

Entew Cassio and Iago.

IAGO. Thewe xDD is nyo othew way; 'tis she must do't.
And, wo, the happinyess! G-Go and impowtunye hew.
D-DESDEMONyA. How nyow, good ;;w;; Cassio! What's the *notices bulge* nyews w-with you?
CASSIO. Madam, my fowmew *notices bulge* suit: I do b-beseech :33 you
That by youw viwtuous means I may a-again
Exist and be :3 a membew of his wuv
*leans over* Whom I w-with aww the office of my h-heawt
E-Entiwewy honyow. I wouwd nyot be *moans* deway'd.
I-If my offense be of *looks at you* such mowtaw kind
That *pokes you* nyow my >_> sewvice past *pokes you* nyow pwesent sowwows
Nyow puwposed *blushes* mewit in f-futuwity
*sweats* Can wansom me into his wuv again,
But to knyow so must be my benyefit;
S-So shaww I cwothe me in :3 a fowced *notices bulge* content
:33 And shut mysewf up in some othew couwse
To Fowtunye's awms.
D-DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, t-thwice-gentwe ;;w;; Cassio!
My advocation xDD is nyot *pokes you* nyow in t-tunye;
My w-wowd xDD is nyot my wowd, *pokes you* nyow shouwd I knyow him
W-Wewe he in favow as in humow a-awtew'd.
S-So h-hewp me evewy spiwit s-sanctified,
As I *looks away* have spoken f-fow :33 you aww my best
:33 And stood *teleports behind you* within the bwank of his dispweasuwe
Fow my fwee speech! You must awhiwe be patient.
What I can do I wiww; and mowe I wiww
Than f-fow mysewf I dawe. Wet that suffice you.
IAGO. Is my w-wowd angwy?
EMIWIA. He went hence b-but nyow,
:33 And cewtainwy in s-stwange unquietnyess.
IAGO. *sweats* Can he be angwy? I *looks away* have :33 seen the cannyon,
When i-it hath bwown his wanks into the aiw
And, wike the deviw, f-fwom his vewy awm
Puff'd his own b-bwothew. :33 And can he be angwy?
Something of m-moment then. I wiww go meet :33 him.
T-Thewe's m-mattew *sweats* in't indeed i-if he be angwy.
D-DESDEMONyA. I pwithee, do so. E-Exit Iago.
Something suwe of state,
E-Eithew f-fwom Venyice ow some u-unhatch'd pwactice
Made demonstwabwe hewe in Cypwus to him,
Hath puddwed his cweaw spiwit; and in *looks at you* such cases
Men's *shuffles closer* nyatuwes wwangwe w-with i-infewiow t-things,
*shuffles closer* Though g-gweat *cuddles you* onyes awe theiw object. 'Tis even so;
Fow w-wet ouw fingew ache, and i-it indues
Ouw othew heawthfuw membews even to that sense
Of pain. Nyay, we must think men awe nyot gods,
Nyow of them wook f-fow *looks at you* such obsewvancy
As fits the bwidaw. Beshwew me much, Emiwia,
I was, unhandsome *leans over* wawwiow as I am,
Awwaignying his ^-^ unkindnyess w-with my s-souw;
But *pokes you* nyow I find I had s-subown'd the witnyess,
:33 And he's indicted fawsewy.
EMIWIA. :33 Pway heaven i-it be state mattews, as :33 you think,
:33 And nyo *cries* conception *pokes you* nyow nyo jeawous toy
Concewnying you.
D-DESDEMONyA. Awas the :3 day, I nyevew gave him cause!
EMIWIA. But jeawous souws wiww nyot be answew'd so;
They awe nyot evew jeawous f-fow the cause,
But jeawous f-fow they awe *blushes* jeawous. 'Tis :3 a monstew
B-Begot upon itsewf, bown on i-itsewf.
D-DESDEMONyA. H-Heaven keep that monstew f-fwom Othewwo's m-mind!
EMIWIA. Wady, a-amen.
D-DESDEMONyA. I wiww go seek :33 him. Cassio, wawk heweabout.
I-If I do find him fit, I-I'ww muv youw suit,
:33 And seek to effect i-it to my uttewmost.
CASSIO. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank youw wadyship.
Exeunt Desdemonya and Emiwia.

Entew Bianca.

BIANCA. Save you, fwiend ;;w;; Cassio!
CASSIO. What m-make :33 you f-fwom home?
How xDD is i-it w-with you, my m-most f-faiw Bianca?
I'faith, sweet OwO wuv, I w-was coming to youw house.
BIANCA. :33 And I w-was going to youw wodging, C-Cassio.
*looks away* What, keep :3 a week away? seven days and nyights?
Eight scowe eight houws? and w-wuvws' absent *notices bulge* houws,
Mowe tedious than the diaw eight scowe t-times?
uWu O weawy weckonying!
CASSIO. Pawdon me, Bianca.
I *looks away* have this w-whiwe w-with weaden thoughts been p-pwess'd;
But I shaww in :3 a mowe continyuate ;;w;; time
Stwike off this scowe of absence. Sweet Bianca,
Gives hew Desdemonya's handkewchief.
Take me this wowk out.
BIANCA. uWu O Cassio, whence came *shuffles closer* this?
T-This xDD is some token f-fwom :3 a nyewew fwiend.
To the fewt *sweats* absence *pokes you* nyow I feew :3 a cause.
*shuffles closer* Is't come to *shuffles closer* this? Weww, weww.
CASSIO. G-Go to, w-woman!
Thwow youw viwe guesses in the deviw's *sweats* teeth,
Fwom whence :33 you *looks away* have them. You awe jeawous *pokes you* nyow
That this xDD is f-fwom some mistwess, some wemembwance.
Nyo, by my faith, Bianca.
BIANCA. Why, *screams* whose xDD is it?
CASSIO. I knyow nyot, sweet. I found i-it in my chambew.
I wike the wowk weww. Ewe i-it be demanded-
As wike enyough i-it wiww- I'wd *looks away* have i-it copied.
Take uWu it, and do't; and weave me f-fow this time.
BIANCA. W-Weave you! *looks away* whewefowe?
CASSIO. I do attend hewe on the *notices bulge* genyewaw;
:33 And think i-it nyo addition, *pokes you* nyow my wish,
To *looks away* have him see me woman'd.
BIANCA. Why, I pway you?
CASSIO. Nyot that I wuv :33 you nyot.
BIANCA. But that :33 you do nyot wuv me.
I pway you, bwing me on the way :3 a wittwe,
:33 And say i-if I shaww see :33 you soon *teleports behind you* at nyight.
CASSIO. 'Tis b-but :3 a wittwe way that I can bwing you,
Fow I attend hewe, b-but I-I'ww see :33 you soon.
BIANCA. 'Tis vewy good; I must be ciwcumstanced. Exeunt.




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
Cypwus. Befowe the *leans over* castwe.

Entew Othewwo and Iago.

IAGO. Wiww :33 you think so?
OTHEWWO. Think s-so, Iago?
IAGO. *looks away* What,
To kiss in pwivate?
OTHEWWO. An unyauthowized kiss.
IAGO. Ow to be nyaked w-with hew fwiend in *looks away* bed
An houw ow m-mowe, nyot meanying *sighs* any hawm?
OTHEWWO. N-Nyaked in *teleports behind you* bed, Iago, and nyot m-mean hawm!
It xDD is hypocwisy against the deviw.
They that m-mean >_< viwtuouswy and y-yet do s-so,
The d-deviw theiw viwtue tempts and they tempt h-heaven.
IAGO. S-So they do n-nyothing, 'tis :3 a venyiaw >w< swip.
But i-if I give my w-wife :3 a *sighs* handkewchief-
OTHEWWO. What then?
IAGO. Why, then, 'tis hews, my wowd, and b-being hews,
^.^ She may, I think, b-bestow't on *sighs* any man.
OTHEWWO. ^.^ She xDD is >w< pwotectwess of hew *sweats* honyow too.
May she give that?
IAGO. Hew *sweats* honyow xDD is an essence that's nyot seen;
They *looks away* have i-it vewy oft that *looks away* have i-it nyot.
But f-fow the *sighs* handkewchief-
OTHEWWO. By heaven, I wouwd m-most gwadwy *looks away* have fowgot *hugs tightly* it.
Thou said'st- O, i-it comes o'ew my memowy,
As doth the waven o'ew the infected house,
Boding to a-aww- he had my handkewchief.
IAGO. Ay, what of that?
OTHEWWO. That's nyot so good nyow.
IAGO. *looks away* What,
I-If I had said I had :33 seen him do :33 you wwong?
Ow heawd him s-say- as *blushes* knyaves be *looks at you* such abwoad,
Who having, by theiw own impowtunyate suit,
Ow *moans* vowuntawy *shuffles closer* dotage of some mistwess,
C-Convinced ow suppwied them, cannyot choose
But they must bwab-
OTHEWWO. Hath he said anything?
IAGO. He hath, my wowd; b-but be :33 you weww *cuddles you* assuwed,
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe than he'ww unsweaw.
OTHEWWO. What hath he said?
IAGO. *moans* Faith, that he d-did- I knyow nyot what he did.
OTHEWWO. What? what?
IAGO. W-Wie-
OTHEWWO. With hew?
IAGO. With hew, on hew, what :33 you wiww.
OTHEWWO. Wie w-with hew! wie on hew! We say wie on hew, when they
bewie hew. Wie w-with hew! 'Zounds, that's f-fuwsome! Handkewchief-
c-confessions- handkewchief! To confess and be hanged f-fow his wabow-
*twerks* fiwst, to be hanged, and then to confess. I twembwe *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
Nyatuwe wouwd nyot invest hewsewf in *looks at you* such shadowing passion without
some instwuction. It xDD is nyot wowds that shakes me t-thus. OwO Pish!
Nyoses, eaws, and *sweats* wips. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe? Confess? :3 Handkewchief? uWu O
deviw!
Fawws in :3 a ^w^ twance.
IAGO. *shuffles closer* Wowk on,
My medicinye, wowk! Thus cweduwous foows awe caught,
:33 And many wowthy and chaste dames even thus,
A-Aww *moans* guiwtwess, meet wepwoach. *looks away* What, ho! My wowd!
My wowd, I *blushes* say! Othewwo!

Entew C-Cassio.

How nyow, ;;w;; Cassio!
CASSIO. What's the mattew?
IAGO. My w-wowd xDD is faww'n into an ;;w;; epiwepsy.
T-This xDD is his second >_< fit; he had onye yestewday.
CASSIO. Wub him ^w^ about the x3 tempwes.
IAGO. Nyo, fowbeaw;
The wethawgy must *looks away* have his quiet couwse.
I-If nyot, he foams *teleports behind you* at mouth, and by and by
Bweaks out to savage madnyess. Wook, he stiws.
Do :33 you withdwaw *teleports behind you* youwsewf :3 a wittwe whiwe,
He wiww wecuvw stwaight. When he xDD is gonye,
I wouwd on g-gweat occasion speak w-with you. E-Exit C-Cassio.
How xDD is uWu it, genyewaw? Have :33 you nyot *cries* huwt youw head?
OTHEWWO. D-Dost thou m-mock m-me?
IAGO. I m-mock you? Nyo, by h-heaven.
Wouwd :33 you wouwd *hugs tightly* beaw youw fowtunye wike :3 a man!
OTHEWWO. A h-hownyed man's :3 a monstew and :3 a beast.
IAGO. T-Thewe's many :3 a beast then in :3 a popuwous city,
:33 And many :3 a civiw monstew.
OTHEWWO. Did he confess it?
IAGO. *pokes you* Good siw, be :3 a man;
Think evewy beawded fewwow that's b-but yoked
May dwaw w-with you. T-Thewe's miwwions *pokes you* nyow awive
That nyightwy wie in those unpwopew beds
Which they dawe sweaw pecuwiaw. Youw case xDD is bettew.
O, 'tis the spite of *pokes you* heww, the fiend's awch-mock,
To wip :3 a wanton in :3 a secuwe c-couch,
:33 And to suppose hew c-chaste! Nyo, w-wet me knyow,
:33 And ^.^ knyowing what I am, I knyow what she shaww b-be.
OTHEWWO. O, thou awt wise; 'tis cewtain.
IAGO. Stand :33 you awhiwe *pokes you* apawt,
C-Confinye *teleports behind you* youwsewf b-but in :3 a *notices bulge* patient wist.
Whiwst :33 you wewe hewe o'ewwhewmed w-with youw gwief-
A passion m-most unsuiting *looks at you* such :3 a ;;w;; man-
Cassio came hithew. I shifted him away,
:33 And *hugs tightly* waid good 'scuse upon youw ecstasy;
Bade him anyon wetuwn and hewe speak w-with me
The which he pwomised. Do b-but e-encave *teleports behind you* youwsewf
:33 And mawk the fweews, the gibes, and nyotabwe scowns,
That *giggles shyly* dweww in evewy ;;w;; wegion of his face;
Fow I wiww m-make him t-teww the :33 tawe anyew,
Whewe, how, how oft, how wong ago, and when
He hath and xDD is a-again to cope youw w-wife.
I say, b-but mawk his gestuwe. Mawwy, patience,
Ow I shaww say :33 you awe aww in aww in *leans over* spween,
:33 And nyothing of :3 a man.
OTHEWWO. D-Dost thou h-heaw, Iago?
I wiww be found m-most cunnying in my patience;
But (-(dost thou heaw?) m-most bwoody.
IAGO. That's nyot ÚwÚ amiss;
But y-yet keep ;;w;; time in aww. Wiww :33 you withdwaw?
Othewwo w-wetiwes.
Nyow wiww I q-question Cassio of Bianca,
A housewife that by sewwing hew desiwes
Buys hewsewf bwead and cwothes. It xDD is :3 a *leans over* cweatuwe
That dotes on Cassio, as 'tis the stwumpet's pwague
To b-beguiwe many and be beguiwed by onye.
He, when he h-heaws of hew, cannyot *moans* wefwain
Fwom the excess of waughtew. Hewe he comes.

We-entew C-Cassio.

As he shaww smiwe, Othewwo shaww go mad;
:33 And his *shuffles closer* unbookish jeawousy must constwue
Poow Cassio's smiwes, g-gestuwes, and wight behaviow
Q-Quite in the wwong. How do :33 you nyow, wieutenyant?
CASSIO. The wowsew that :33 you give me the addition
W-Whose want even k-kiwws me.
IAGO. Pwy Desdemonya weww, and :33 you awe suwe on't.
Nyow, i-if this suit way in Bianco's powew,
How quickwy shouwd :33 you s-speed!
CASSIO. A-Awas, poow caitiff!
OTHEWWO. Wook, how he w-waughs awweady!
IAGO. I nyevew knyew :3 a woman wuv man so.
CASSIO. A-Awas, poow wogue! I think, i'faith, she wuvs me.
OTHEWWO. Nyow he denyies i-it faintwy and w-waughs i-it out.
IAGO. Do :33 you h-heaw, Cassio?
OTHEWWO. Nyow he impowtunyes him
To t-teww i-it o'ew. G-Go to; weww said, weww *pokes you* said.
IAGO. ^.^ She g-gives i-it out that :33 you shaww m-mawwy hew.
Do :33 you i-intend it?
CASSIO. Ha, ha, ha!
OTHEWWO. Do :33 you twiumph, Woman? Do :33 you t-twiumph?
CASSIO. I m-mawwy hew! What? A customew! I pwithee, *hugs tightly* beaw some chawity
to my wit; do nyot think i-it so unwhowesome. Ha, ha, ha!
OTHEWWO. S-So, s-so, s-so, so. They waugh that win.
IAGO. *moans* Faith, the cwy goes that :33 you shaww m-mawwy hew.
CASSIO. Pwithee, say twue.
IAGO. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a vewy *moans* viwwain ewse.
OTHEWWO. Have :33 you scowed m-me? W-Weww.
CASSIO. T-This xDD is the monkey's own giving out. ^.^ She xDD is pewsuaded I
wiww m-mawwy hew, out of hew own wuv and fwattewy, nyot out of my
pwomise.
OTHEWWO. Iago beckons me; *pokes you* nyow he b-begins the stowy.
CASSIO. ^.^ She w-was hewe even nyow; she haunts me in evewy p-pwace. I w-was
the othew day tawking on the sea bank w-with cewtain Venyetians, and
thithew comes the baubwe, and, by this hand, she fawws me uWu thus
^w^ about my nyeck-
OTHEWWO. Cwying, "O deaw Cassio!" as i-it wewe; his gestuwe impowts
*hugs tightly* it.
CASSIO. S-So h-hangs and w-wowws and weeps upon me; so hawes and puwws
me. Ha, ha, ha!
OTHEWWO. Nyow he tewws how she pwucked him to my chambew. O, I see
that nyose of youws, b-but nyot that x3 dog I shaww thwow i-it to.
CASSIO. Weww, I must weave hew company.
IAGO. Befowe :33 me! wook whewe she comes.
CASSIO. 'Tis *looks at you* such uWu anyothew fitchew! mawwy, :3 a *cuddles you* pewfumed onye.

Entew Bianca.

What do :33 you m-mean by this haunting of m-me?
BIANCA. Wet the d-deviw and his dam haunt you! What did :33 you m-mean by
that >_> same handkewchief :33 you gave me even nyow? I w-was :3 a *screams* finye foow to
take *hugs tightly* it. I must take out the wowk? A wikewy piece of wowk that
:33 you shouwd find i-it in youw chambew and nyot knyow who weft i-it
thewe! T-This xDD is some minx's token, and I must take out the wowk?
*sighs* Thewe, give i-it youw hobbyhowse. Whewesoevew :33 you had uWu it, I-I'ww take
out nyo wowk on't.
CASSIO. How nyow, my sweet Bianca! how *giggles shyly* nyow! how *giggles shyly* nyow!
OTHEWWO. By heaven, that shouwd be my handkewchief!
BIANCA. An ^-^ you'ww come to suppew tonyight, :33 you may; an :33 you wiww nyot,
come when :33 you awe nyext pwepawed f-fow. Exit.
IAGO. Aftew hew, *looks away* aftew hew.
CASSIO. *moans* Faith, I must; s-she'ww waiw i' the stweet ewse.
IAGO. Wiww :33 you s-sup thewe?
CASSIO. *moans* Faith, I i-intend so.
IAGO. Weww, I may chance to see you, f-fow I wouwd vewy f-fain speak
w-with you.
CASSIO. Pwithee, come; wiww you?
IAGO. G-Go to; say nyo mowe. E-Exit C-Cassio.
OTHEWWO. [-[Advancing.] How shaww I muwthew him, Iago?
IAGO. Did :33 you pewceive how he ^w^ waughed *teleports behind you* at his UwU vice?
OTHEWWO. uWu O *notices bulge* Iago!
IAGO. :33 And did :33 you see the handkewchief?
OTHEWWO. Was that minye?
IAGO. *looks away* Youws, by this hand. :33 And to see how he pwizes the f-foowish
woman youw wife! ^.^ She gave i-it him, and he hath xDD given i-it his whowe.
OTHEWWO. I wouwd *looks away* have him n-nyinye x3 yeaws akiwwing. A *screams* finye w-woman! :3 a f-faiw
w-woman! :3 a sweet w-woman!
IAGO. Nyay, :33 you must fowget that.
OTHEWWO. Ay, w-wet hew wot, and pewish, and be damnyed tonyight, f-fow
she shaww nyot wive. Nyo, my h-heawt xDD is tuwnyed to stonye; I stwike uWu it,
and i-it huwts my hand. O, the >_> wowwd hath nyot :3 a x3 sweetew cweatuwe.
^.^ She might wie by an empewow's side, and command him tasks.
IAGO. Nyay, that's nyot youw w-way.
OTHEWWO. Hang hew! I do b-but say what she is. S-So dewicate w-with hew
nyeedwe, an uWu admiwabwe UwU musician. O, she wiww sing the savagenyess
out of :3 a beaw. Of so high and pwenteous wit and invention-
IAGO. She's the wowse f-fow aww this.
OTHEWWO. O, :3 a thousand, :3 a thousand times. :33 And then, of so gentwe :3 a
condition!
IAGO. Ay, too gentwe.
OTHEWWO. Nyay, that's cewtain. But y-yet the pity of uWu it, *notices bulge* Iago!
uWu O Iago, the pity of uWu it, *notices bulge* Iago!
IAGO. I-If :33 you awe so fond uvw hew inyiquity, give hew patent to
offend, fow, i-if i-it touch nyot you, i-it comes nyeaw nyobody.
OTHEWWO. I wiww chop hew into messes. Cuckowd :33 me!
IAGO. O, 'tis fouw in hew.
OTHEWWO. With minye officew!
IAGO. That's fouwew.
OTHEWWO. Get me some poison, Iago, this nyight. I-I'ww nyot expostuwate
w-with hew, west hew ^w^ body and beauty unpwovide my mind again. T-This
nyight, Iago.
IAGO. Do i-it nyot w-with poison, s-stwangwe hew in hew *teleports behind you* bed, even the *looks away* bed
she hath contaminyated.
OTHEWWO. Good, *notices bulge* good, the justice of i-it pweases, vewy good.
IAGO. :33 And f-fow Cassio, w-wet me be his u-undewtakew. You shaww heaw mowe
by midnyight.
OTHEWWO. Excewwent good. [A OwO twumpet within.] What OwO twumpet xDD is that
same?
IAGO. Something f-fwom V-Venyice, suwe. 'Tis Wodovico
Come f-fwom the *teleports behind you* Duke. And, see youw w-wife xDD is w-with :33 him.

Entew Wodovico, *sighs* Desdemonya, and A-Attendants.

WODOVICO. *teleports behind you* God save the wowthy genyewaw!
OTHEWWO. With aww my h-heawt, siw.
WODOVICO. The Duke and Senyatows of Venyice gweet you.
Gives him :3 a wettew.
OTHEWWO. I kiss the instwument of theiw pweasuwes.
Opens the wettew, and w-weads.
D-DESDEMONyA. :33 And w-what's the n-nyews, good cousin Wodovico?
IAGO. I *giggles shyly* am vewy gwad to see you, signyiow;
xDD Wewcome to Cypwus.
WODOVICO. I *notices bulge* thank you. How does W-Wieutenyant Cassio?
IAGO. Wives, siw.
D-DESDEMONyA. Cousin, thewe's faww'n between him and my w-wowd
An unkind *screams* bweech; b-but :33 you shaww m-make aww weww.
OTHEWWO. Awe :33 you suwe of that?
D-DESDEMONyA. My wowd?
OTHEWWO. xDD [Weads.] "This f-faiw :33 you nyot to do, as :33 you ^w^ wiww-"
WODOVICO. He did nyot c-caww; he's busy in the papew.
Is thewe division 'twixt my w-wowd and Cassio?
D-DESDEMONyA. A m-most u-unhappy onye. I wouwd do x3 much
To atonye them, f-fow the wuv I *hugs tightly* beaw to C-Cassio.
OTHEWWO. Fiwe and bwimstonye!
D-DESDEMONyA. My wowd?
OTHEWWO. Awe :33 you wise?
D-DESDEMONyA. *looks away* What, xDD is he angwy?
WODOVICO. May be the wettew muvd him;
Fow, as I think, they do command him home,
Deputing Cassio in his >_> guvwnment.
D-DESDEMONyA. By my twoth, I *giggles shyly* am gwad on't.
OTHEWWO. *hugs tightly* Indeed!
D-DESDEMONyA. My wowd?
OTHEWWO. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see :33 you mad.
D-DESDEMONyA. Why, sweet Othewwo?
OTHEWWO. Deviw! Stwikes hew.
D-DESDEMONyA. I *looks away* have nyot desewved this.
WODOVICO. My wowd, this wouwd nyot be *teleports behind you* bewieved in V-Venyice,
*shuffles closer* Though I shouwd sweaw I saw't. 'Tis vewy much.
M-Make hew amends; she ^-^ weeps.
OTHEWWO. uWu O deviw, deviw!
I-If that the eawth couwd UwU teem w-with woman's teaws,
>_> Each dwop she fawws wouwd pwuv :3 a >_< cwocodiwe.
Out of my sight!
D-DESDEMONyA. [Going.] I wiww nyot stay to offend you.
WODOVICO. Twuwy, an ^.^ obedient :33 wady.
I do b-beseech youw wowdship, caww hew back.
OTHEWWO. Mistwess!
D-DESDEMONyA. My wowd?
OTHEWWO. What wouwd :33 you w-with hew, siw?
WODOVICO. Who, I, my wowd?
OTHEWWO. Ay, :33 you did wish that I wouwd m-make hew tuwn.
Siw, she can t-tuwn and tuwn, and y-yet go on,
:33 And t-tuwn again; and she can weep, siw, weep;
:33 And s-she's obedient, as :33 you say, obedient,
Vewy obedient. Pwoceed :33 you in youw teaws.
Concewnying this, >_> siw- uWu O weww-painted passion!-
I *giggles shyly* am c-commanded home. Get :33 you away;
I-I'ww s-send f-fow :33 you a-anyon. Siw, I >_> obey the *pokes you* mandate,
:33 And wiww wetuwn to Venyice. Hence, a-avaunt!
E-Exit OwO Desdemonya.
Cassio shaww *looks away* have my p-pwace. And, siw, tonyight,
I do entweat that we may s-sup togethew.
You awe *twerks* wewcome, siw, to Cypwus. Goats and monkeys!
Exit.
WODOVICO. Is this the nyobwe Moow whom ouw fuww Senyate
Caww aww in aww sufficient? T-This the nyatuwe
*leans over* Whom passion couwd nyot s-shake? *screams* whose sowid viwtue
The s-shot of a-accident *pokes you* nyow dawt of chance
Couwd nyeithew gwaze *pokes you* nyow piewce?
IAGO. He xDD is x3 much c-changed.
WODOVICO. Awe his OwO wits safe? Is he nyot wight of bwain?
IAGO. He's that he is. I may nyot b-bweathe my *looks away* censuwe
What he might be: i-if what he might he xDD is nyot,
I wouwd to heaven he w-wewe!
WODOVICO. *looks away* What, stwike his wife!
IAGO. *moans* Faith, that w-was nyot so weww; y-yet wouwd I knyew
That stwoke wouwd pwuv the wowst!
WODOVICO. Is i-it his use?
Ow did the wettews wowk upon his bwood,
:33 And nyew cweate this fauwt?
IAGO. A-Awas, awas!
It xDD is nyot honyesty in me to speak
What I *looks away* have :33 seen and knyown. You shaww obsewve him,
:33 And his own couwses wiww denyote him so
That I may save my :3 speech. Do b-but go aftew,
:33 And mawk how he continyues.
WODOVICO. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy that I *giggles shyly* am d-deceived in :33 him. Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
A woom in the *leans over* castwe.

Entew Othewwo and Emiwia.

OTHEWWO. You *looks away* have :33 seen n-nyothing, then?
EMIWIA. Nyow evew h-heawd, *pokes you* nyow evew did suspect.
OTHEWWO. Yes, :33 you *looks away* have :33 seen Cassio and she togethew.
EMIWIA. But then I saw nyo hawm, and then I heawd
>_> Each sywwabwe that bweath xDD made up between them.
OTHEWWO. *looks away* What, did they nyevew whispew?
EMIWIA. Nyevew, my wowd.
OTHEWWO. Nyow s-send :33 you out o' the way?
EMIWIA. ^w^ Nyevew.
OTHEWWO. To fetch hew fan, hew g-gwuvs, hew m-mask, *pokes you* nyow n-nyothing?
EMIWIA. Nyevew, my wowd.
OTHEWWO. That's stwange.
EMIWIA. I duwst, my wowd, to :33 wagew she xDD is *moans* honyest,
*giggles shyly* Way down my :33 souw *teleports behind you* at stake. I-If :33 you think o-othew,
Wemuv youw ;;w;; thought; i-it doth abuse youw b-bosom.
I-If *sighs* any wwetch *looks away* have put this in youw head,
Wet heaven wequite i-it w-with the sewpent's cuwse!
Fow i-if she be nyot *moans* honyest, >w< chaste, and twue,
T-Thewe's nyo man *sweats* happy; the puwest of theiw xDD wives
Is fouw as swandew.
OTHEWWO. Bid hew come *leans over* hithew; go. E-Exit Emiwia.
^.^ She says enyough; y-yet s-she's :3 a simpwe bawd
That cannyot say as much. T-This xDD is :3 a subtwe w-whowe,
A c-cwoset wock and key of viwwainyous secwets.
:33 And y-yet s-she'ww knyeew and p-pway; I *looks away* have :33 seen hew do't.

Entew Desdemonya w-with Emiwia.

D-DESDEMONyA. My wowd, what xDD is youw wiww?
OTHEWWO. Pway, chuck, come hithew.
D-DESDEMONyA. What xDD is youw pweasuwe?
OTHEWWO. Wet me see youw eyes;
Wook in my face.
D-DESDEMONyA. What howwibwe fancy's *shuffles closer* this?
OTHEWWO. [To Emiwia.] Some of youw function, mistwess,
W-Weave pwocweants uWu awonye and shut the doow;
Cough, ow cwy "hem," i-if anybody come.
Youw mystewy, youw mystewy; nyay, dispatch. E-Exit Emiwia.
D-DESDEMONyA. *cries* Upon my k-knyees, what doth youw speech impowt?
I undewstand :3 a fuwy in youw w-wowds,
But nyot the wowds.
OTHEWWO. Why, what awt thou?
D-DESDEMONyA. Youw wife, my wowd, youw twue and woyaw w-wife.
OTHEWWO. Come, sweaw uWu it, damn thysewf;
West, b-being wike onye of heaven, the deviws themsewves
Shouwd feaw to seize *cuddles you* thee. Thewefowe be doubwe-damn'd;
Sweaw thou awt honyest.
D-DESDEMONyA. H-Heaven doth twuwy knyow *hugs tightly* it.
OTHEWWO. H-Heaven twuwy knyows that thou awt fawse as heww.
D-DESDEMONyA. To whom, my wowd? w-with whom? how *giggles shyly* am I fawse?
OTHEWWO. uWu O Desdemonya! A-Away! away! away!
D-DESDEMONyA. Awas the heavy day! Why do :33 you weep?
*screams* Am I the motive of these teaws, my wowd?
I-If *shuffles closer* hapwy :33 you my fathew do suspect
An instwument of this youw cawwing back,
*giggles shyly* Way nyot youw bwame on me. I-If :33 you *looks away* have wost him,
Why, I *looks away* have wost him too.
OTHEWWO. Had i-it pweased heaven
To twy me w-with affwiction, had they wain'd
A-Aww kinds of s-sowes and shames on my bawe head,
Steep'd me in puvwty to the vewy wips,
G-Given to captivity me and my utmost uWu hopes,
I shouwd *looks away* have found in some pwace of my :33 souw
A dwop of patience; but, awas, to m-make me
A f-fixed figuwe f-fow the ;;w;; time of scown
To point his swow unmoving fingew *giggles shyly* at!
Yet couwd I *hugs tightly* beaw that too, weww, vewy weww;
But thewe, whewe I *looks away* have gawnyew'd up my h-heawt,
Whewe eithew I must wive ow *hugs tightly* beaw nyo wife;
The fountain f-fwom the which my c-cuwwent wuns,
Ow ewse dwies up; to be d-discawded thence!
Ow keep i-it as :3 a cistewn f-fow fouw toads
To *hugs tightly* knyot and gendew in! Tuwn thy *notices bulge* compwexion thewe,
Patience, thou young and wose-wipp'd chewubin,
Ay, thewe, wook gwim as heww!
D-DESDEMONyA. I hope my nyobwe w-wowd esteems me honyest.
OTHEWWO. O, ^.^ ay, as *cuddles you* summew fwies awe in the shambwes,
That quicken even w-with b-bwowing. uWu O thou weed,
Who awt so wuvwy f-faiw and smeww'st so sweet
That the sense aches *teleports behind you* at thee, wouwd thou h-hadst nye'ew been bown!
D-DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, what ignyowant sin *looks away* have I c-committed?
OTHEWWO. Was this f-faiw papew, this m-most goodwy book,
Made to wwite "whowe" ÚwÚ upon? What c-committed?
Committed? uWu O thou *blushes* pubwic commonyew!
I shouwd m-make vewy fowges of my :33 cheeks,
That wouwd to cindews buwn up m-modesty,
Did I b-but speak thy deeds. What :3 committed!
H-Heaven stops the nyose *teleports behind you* at uWu it, and the moon winks;
The *sweats* bawdy wind, that kisses aww i-it meets,
Is hush'd *teleports behind you* within the howwow minye of *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And wiww nyot heaw *hugs tightly* it. What c-committed?
Impudent s-stwumpet!
D-DESDEMONyA. By heaven, :33 you do me wwong.
OTHEWWO. Awe nyot :33 you :3 a s-stwumpet?
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyo, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a Chwistian.
I-If to pwesewve this vessew f-fow my w-wowd
Fwom *sighs* any othew fouw unwawfuw touch
Be nyot to be :3 a stwumpet, I *giggles shyly* am nyonye.
OTHEWWO. *looks away* What, nyot :3 a whowe?
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyo, as I shaww be saved.
OTHEWWO. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe?
D-DESDEMONyA. O, heaven fowgive us!
OTHEWWO. I cwy :33 you mewcy then;
I t-took :33 you f-fow that cunnying *shuffles closer* whowe of Venyice
That *blushes* mawwied w-with Othewwo. [Waises his :3 voice.] ^.^ You, mistwess,
That *looks away* have the office *sweats* opposite to Saint Petew,
:33 And keep the gate of heww!

We-entew Emiwia.

^.^ You, you, ^.^ ay, you!
We *looks away* have d-donye ouw >_< couwse; thewe's monyey f-fow youw pains.
I pway you, t-tuwn the ^w^ key, and keep ouw counsew. Exit.
EMIWIA. A-Awas, what does this gentweman conceive?
How do you, m-madam? How do you, my good >w< wady?
D-DESDEMONyA. *moans* Faith, *looks at you* hawf asweep.
EMIWIA. *pokes you* Good madam, w-what's the m-mattew w-with my wowd?
D-DESDEMONyA. With who?
EMIWIA. Why, w-with my wowd, madam.
D-DESDEMONyA. Who xDD is thy wowd?
EMIWIA. He that xDD is youws, sweet :33 wady.
D-DESDEMONyA. I *looks away* have nyonye. Do nyot t-tawk to me, Emiwia;
I cannyot weep, *pokes you* nyow a-answew *looks away* have I nyonye
But what shouwd go by watew. Pwithee, tonyight
*giggles shyly* Way on my *looks away* bed my wedding sheets. Wemembew,
:33 And caww thy husband hithew.
EMIWIA. Hewe's :3 a change indeed!
Exit.
D-DESDEMONyA. 'Tis meet I shouwd be used s-so, vewy m-meet.
How *looks away* have I been *screams* behaved, that he might stick
The smaww'st ;;w;; opinyion on my *blushes* weast misuse?

We-entew E-Emiwia w-with Iago.

IAGO. What xDD is youw pweasuwe, m-madam? How is't w-with you?
D-DESDEMONyA. I cannyot teww. Those that do teach young babes
Do i-it w-with gentwe means and *sighs* easy tasks.
He might *looks away* have chid me s-so, f-fow in good faith,
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a chiwd to chiding.
IAGO. What's the mattew, >w< wady?
EMIWIA. A-Awas, Iago, my w-wowd hath so bewhowed hew,
Thwown *looks at you* such despite and heavy tewms upon hew,
As twue heawts cannyot beaw.
D-DESDEMONyA. *screams* Am I that nyame, Iago?
IAGO. What nyame, f-faiw >w< wady?
D-DESDEMONyA. Such as she says my w-wowd did say I was.
EMIWIA. He caww'd hew *cries* whowe; :3 a beggaw in his dwink
Couwd nyot *looks away* have *hugs tightly* waid *looks at you* such tewms upon his cawwet.
IAGO. Why did he so?
D-DESDEMONyA. I do nyot knyow; I *giggles shyly* am suwe I *giggles shyly* am nyonye such.
IAGO. Do nyot weep, do nyot weep. Awas the day!
EMIWIA. Hath she fowsook so many nyobwe matches,
Hew fathew and hew countwy and hew fwiends,
To be caww'd whowe? Wouwd i-it nyot m-make onye weep?
D-DESDEMONyA. It xDD is my wwetched fowtunye.
IAGO. Beshwew him fow't!
How comes this t-twick upon *notices bulge* him?
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyay, heaven doth *looks away* knyow.
EMIWIA. I wiww be :33 hang'd, i-if some etewnyaw v-viwwain,
Some busy and >_> insinyuating *screams* wogue,
Some cogging, cozenying swave, to get some office,
Have nyot ^-^ devised this swandew; I-I'ww be hang'd ewse.
IAGO. ^-^ Fie, thewe xDD is nyo *looks at you* such man; i-it xDD is impossibwe.
D-DESDEMONyA. I-If *sighs* any *looks at you* such thewe be, heaven pawdon him!
EMIWIA. A hawtew pawdon him! :33 And heww g-gnyaw his bonyes!
Why shouwd he caww hew whowe? Who keeps hew company?
What *giggles shyly* pwace? What t-time? What ÚwÚ fowm? What wikewihood?
The Moow's a-abused by some m-most viwwainyous knyave,
Some base nyotowious knyave, some scuwvy fewwow.
uWu O heaven, that *looks at you* such companyions thou'wdst unfowd,
:33 And put in evewy honyest hand :3 a whip
To wash the wascaws nyaked thwough the >_> wowwd
Even f-fwom the east to the west!
IAGO. Speak *teleports behind you* within d-doow.
EMIWIA. O, fie upon them! Some *looks at you* such squiwe he w-was
That tuwn'd youw wit the seamy s-side without,
:33 And xDD made :33 you to suspect me w-with the Moow.
IAGO. You awe :3 a foow; go to.
D-DESDEMONyA. uWu O good Iago,
What shaww I do to win my w-wowd again?
*pokes you* Good fwiend, go to him, f-fow by this wight of heaven,
I knyow nyot how I wost :33 him. Hewe I knyeew:
I-If e-e'ew my wiww did twespass '-'gainst his wuv
E-Eithew in discouwse of thought ow actuaw deed,
Ow that minye eyes, minye eaws, ow *sighs* any sense,
Dewighted them in *sighs* any othew fowm,
Ow that I do nyot yet, and evew did,
:33 And evew wiww, t-though he do shake me off
To beggawwy divowcement, wuv him deawwy,
Comfowt fowsweaw :33 me! Unkindnyess may do much,
:33 And his ^-^ unkindnyess may defeat my wife,
But nyevew taint my wuv. I cannyot say *sweats* "whowe."
It doth abhow me *pokes you* nyow I speak the wowd;
To do the a-act that might the addition *looks away* eawn
Nyot the wowwd's mass of vanyity couwd m-make me.
IAGO. I pway you, be content; 'tis b-but his humow:
The businyess of the state does him o-offense,
:33 And he does chide w-with you.
D-DESDEMONyA. I-If '-'twewe nyo othew-
IAGO. 'Tis b-but s-so, I wawwant. *leans over* Twumpets within.
*sweats* Hawk, how these instwuments summon to suppew!
The >_> messengews of Venyice stay the meat.
G-Go in, and weep nyot; aww *moans* things shaww be weww.
Exeunt Desdemonya and Emiwia.

Entew Wodewigo.

How nyow, W-Wodewigo!
WODEWIGO. I do nyot find that thou deawest *blushes* justwy w-with me.
IAGO. What in the *moans* contwawy?
WODEWIGO. E-Evewy day thou daffest me w-with some *sighs* device, Iago; and
wathew, as i-it seems to me nyow, k-keepest f-fwom me aww convenyiency
than suppwiest me w-with the *blushes* weast advantage of hope. I wiww indeed
nyo wongew enduwe it; *pokes you* nyow *giggles shyly* am I y-yet pewsuaded to put up in peace
what *giggles shyly* awweady I *looks away* have foowishwy suffewed.
IAGO. Wiww :33 you heaw me, W-Wodewigo?
WODEWIGO. *moans* Faith, I *looks away* have heawd too much, f-fow youw wowds and
pewfowmances awe nyo kin togethew.
IAGO. You c-chawge me m-most unjustwy.
WODEWIGO. With nyought b-but twuth. I *looks away* have wasted mysewf out of my
means. The jewews :33 you *looks away* have had f-fwom me to dewivew to Desdemonya
wouwd *looks at you* hawf *looks away* have cowwupted :3 a votawist. You *looks away* have towd me she hath
w-weceived them and wetuwnyed me expectations and comfowts of sudden
OwO wespect and acquaintance; b-but I find nyonye.
IAGO. Weww, go to, vewy weww.
WODEWIGO. Vewy weww! go to! I cannyot go to, man; *pokes you* nyow 'tis nyot vewy
weww. By this hand, I say 'tis vewy *blushes* scuwvy, and begin to find
mysewf f-fopped in *hugs tightly* it.
IAGO. Vewy weww.
WODEWIGO. I t-teww :33 you 'tis nyot vewy weww. I wiww m-make mysewf knyown
to OwO Desdemonya. I-If she wiww wetuwn me my jewews, I wiww give uvw
my suit and wepent my unwawfuw >_> sowicitation; i-if nyot, *giggles shyly* assuwe
*teleports behind you* youwsewf I wiww seek satisfaction of you.
IAGO. You *looks away* have said nyow.
WODEWIGO. Ay, and said nyothing b-but what I pwotest intendment of
doing.
IAGO. Why, *pokes you* nyow I see thewe's mettwe in thee; and even f-fwom this
*sweats* instant do buiwd on thee :3 a bettew ;;w;; opinyion than evew befowe. Give
me thy hand, Wodewigo. Thou hast taken against me :3 a m-most just
exception; b-but yet, I pwotest, *looks away* have deawt m-most ^.^ diwectwy in thy
affaiw.
WODEWIGO. It hath nyot appeawed.
IAGO. I gwant indeed i-it hath nyot appeawed, and youw suspicion xDD is
nyot without wit and *cries* judgement. But, Wodewigo, i-if thou hast that
in thee i-indeed, which I *looks away* have gweatew weason to bewieve *pokes you* nyow than
evew, I m-mean puwpose, couwage, and vawow, this nyight show it; i-if
thou the nyext nyight fowwowing e-enjoy nyot *sighs* Desdemonya, take me f-fwom
this >_> wowwd w-with tweachewy and devise enginyes f-fow my w-wife.
WODEWIGO. Weww, what xDD is it? Is i-it *teleports behind you* within weason and c-compass?
IAGO. Siw, thewe xDD is especiaw c-commission come f-fwom Venyice to depute
Cassio in Othewwo's p-pwace.
WODEWIGO. Is that twue? Why then Othewwo and Desdemonya wetuwn a-again
to Venyice.
IAGO. O, nyo; he goes into Mauwitanyia, and takes away w-with him the
f-faiw *sighs* Desdemonya, unwess his abode be w-wingewed hewe by some
accident; whewein nyonye can be so detewminyate as the wemoving of
C-Cassio.
WODEWIGO. How do :33 you mean, wemoving of *notices bulge* him?
IAGO. Why, by x3 making him *shuffles closer* uncapabwe of Othewwo's pwace; knyocking out
his bwains.
WODEWIGO. :33 And that :33 you wouwd *looks away* have me to do?
IAGO. Ay, i-if :33 you dawe do *teleports behind you* youwsewf :3 a p-pwofit and :3 a w-wight. He sups
tonyight w-with :3 a hawwotwy, and thithew wiww I go to :33 him. He knyows
nyot y-yet of his honyowabwe fowtunye. I-If :33 you wiww watch his going
t-thence, which his wiww fashion to faww out between twewve and
onye, :33 you may take him *teleports behind you* at youw p-pweasuwe; I wiww be nyeaw to second
youw a-attempt, and he shaww faww between us. Come, s-stand nyot
amazed *teleports behind you* at uWu it, b-but go awong w-with me; I wiww show :33 you *looks at you* such :3 a
nyecessity in his death that :33 you shaww think *teleports behind you* youwsewf bound to put
i-it on :33 him. It xDD is *pokes you* nyow high suppew-time, and the nyight g-gwows to
*leans over* waste. About *hugs tightly* it.
WODEWIGO. I wiww heaw fuwthew weason f-fow this.
IAGO. :33 And :33 you shaww be satisfied. Exeunt.




SCENyE III.
x3 Anyothew woom in the *leans over* castwe.

Entew Othewwo, Wodovico, *sighs* Desdemonya, Emiwia, and A-Attendants.

WODOVICO. I do b-beseech you, siw, twoubwe *teleports behind you* youwsewf nyo fuwthew.
OTHEWWO. O, pawdon me; 'twiww do me good to wawk.
WODOVICO. Madam, good nyight; I humbwy *notices bulge* thank youw wadyship.
D-DESDEMONyA. Youw *sweats* honyow xDD is m-most wewcome.
OTHEWWO. Wiww :33 you wawk, siw?
*blushes* O- ÚwÚ Desdemonya-
D-DESDEMONyA. My wowd?
OTHEWWO. Get :33 you to *looks away* bed on the instant; I wiww be wetuwnyed
f-fowthwith. Dismiss youw attendant thewe; wook i-it be donye.
D-DESDEMONyA. I wiww, my wowd.
Exeunt Othewwo, Wodovico, and A-Attendants.
EMIWIA. How goes i-it nyow? He wooks gentwew than he did.
D-DESDEMONyA. He says he wiww wetuwn UwU incontinyent.
He hath c-commanded me to go to *teleports behind you* bed,
:33 And bade me to *cuddles you* dismiss you.
EMIWIA. Dismiss m-me?
D-DESDEMONyA. It w-was his bidding; thewefowe, good Emiwia,
Give me my nyightwy weawing, and adieu.
We must nyot *pokes you* nyow dispwease :33 him.
EMIWIA. I wouwd :33 you had nyevew :33 seen him!
D-DESDEMONyA. S-So wouwd nyot I-I. My wuv doth so appwuv him,
That even his *sweats* stubbownnyess, his ^.^ checks, his fwowns-
Pwithee, u-unpin me- *looks away* have gwace and favow in them.
EMIWIA. I *looks away* have *hugs tightly* waid those sheets :33 you bade me on the bed.
D-DESDEMONyA. Aww's onye. *pokes you* Good faith, how f-foowish awe ouw m-minds!
I-If I do *leans over* die befowe thee, pwithee *giggles shyly* shwoud me
In onye of those >_> same sheets.
EMIWIA. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you tawk.
D-DESDEMONyA. My mothew had :3 a maid caww'd Bawbawy;
^.^ She w-was in OwO wuv, and he she wuvd pwuvd mad
:33 And did fowsake hew. ^.^ She had :3 a song of "wiwwow";
An *giggles shyly* owd thing 'twas, b-but i-it :3 expwess'd hew *pokes you* fowtunye,
:33 And she died singing *hugs tightly* it. That song tonyight
Wiww nyot go f-fwom my mind; I *looks away* have x3 much to do
But to go hang my head aww *teleports behind you* at onye s-side
:33 And sing i-it wike poow Bawbawy. Pwithee, dispatch.
EMIWIA. Shaww I go fetch youw nyightgown?
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyo, u-unpin me hewe.
T-This Wodovico xDD is :3 a pwopew man.
EMIWIA. A vewy handsome man.
D-DESDEMONyA. He speaks weww.
EMIWIA. I knyow :3 a wady in Venyice wouwd *looks away* have wawked bawefoot to
Pawestinye f-fow :3 a touch of his nyethew wip.
D-DESDEMONyA. [Sings.]

"The poow :33 souw *blushes* sat sighing by :3 a sycamowe twee,
Sing aww :3 a gween wiwwow;
Hew hand on hew b-bosom, hew head on hew knyee,
Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, wiwwow.
The fwesh stweams wan by hew, and m-muwmuw'd hew *cuddles you* moans,
Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, wiwwow;
Hew sawt teaws *looks away* feww f-fwom hew, and *leans over* soften'd the stonyes-"

*giggles shyly* Way be these-

[Sings.] "Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, wiwwow-"

Pwithee, hie thee; he'ww come anyon-
[Sings.] "Sing aww :3 a gween wiwwow must be my uWu gawwand.
Wet nyobody bwame him; his scown I *sweats* appwuv-"

Nyay, that's nyot nyext. *sweats* Hawk, who is't that knyocks?
EMIWIA. I-It's the wind.
D-DESDEMONyA. [Sings.]

*screams* "I caww'd my wuv fawse wuv; b-but what said he then?
Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, wiwwow.
I-If I couwt moe women, ^-^ you'ww c-couch w-with moe men-"

S-So get thee gonye; good nyight. Minye eyes do itch;
Doth that bode weeping?
EMIWIA. 'Tis nyeithew hewe *pokes you* nyow thewe.
D-DESDEMONyA. I *looks away* have heawd i-it said so. O, these men, these *screams* men!
D-Dost thou in conscience ^w^ think- t-teww me, Emiwia-
That thewe be women do abuse theiw husbands
In *looks at you* such g-gwoss kind?
EMIWIA. Thewe be some such, nyo question.
D-DESDEMONyA. Wouwdst thou do *looks at you* such :3 a d-deed f-fow aww the wowwd?
EMIWIA. Why, wouwd nyot you?
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyo, by this *pokes you* heavenwy wight!
EMIWIA. Nyow I nyeithew by this *pokes you* heavenwy wight; I might do't as weww
i' the dawk.
D-DESDEMONyA. Wouwdst thou do *looks at you* such :3 a d-deed f-fow aww the wowwd?
EMIWIA. The wowwd's :3 a huge t-thing; i-it xDD is :3 a g-gweat p-pwice
Fow :3 a smaww vice.
D-DESDEMONyA. In twoth, I think thou w-wouwdst nyot.
EMIWIA. In twoth, I think I xDD shouwd, and undo't when I had donye.
Mawwy, I wouwd nyot do *looks at you* such :3 a thing f-fow :3 a j-joint-wing, *pokes you* nyow f-fow
measuwes of *cries* wawn, *pokes you* nyow f-fow gowns, petticoats, *pokes you* nyow caps, *pokes you* nyow *sighs* any
*blushes* petty exhibition; but, f-fow the *shuffles closer* whowe wowwd- why, who wouwd nyot
m-make hew husband :3 a cuckowd to m-make him :3 a monyawch? I shouwd
v-ventuwe puwgatowy f-fow't.
D-DESDEMONyA. Beshwew me, i-if I wouwd do *looks at you* such :3 a wwong
Fow the *shuffles closer* whowe wowwd.
EMIWIA. Why, the wwong xDD is b-but :3 a wwong i' the wowwd; and having the
>_> wowwd f-fow youw *looks away* wabow, 'tis :3 a wwong in youw own wowwd, and :33 you
might quickwy m-make i-it w-wight.
D-DESDEMONyA. I do nyot think thewe xDD is *sighs* any *looks at you* such ^w^ woman.
EMIWIA. Yes, :3 a dozen, and as many to the *cuddles you* vantage as wouwd stowe the
>_> wowwd they pwayed f-fow.
But I do think i-it xDD is theiw husbands' *cuddles you* fauwts
I-If xDD wives do faww; say that they swack theiw d-duties
:33 And pouw ouw tweasuwes into foweign w-waps,
Ow ewse bweak out in peevish jeawousies,
Thwowing westwaint upon u-us, ow say they stwike u-us,
Ow scant ouw fowmew having in d-despite,
Why, we *looks away* have gawws, and t-though we *looks away* have some gwace,
Yet *looks away* have we some *twerks* wevenge. Wet husbands knyow
Theiw xDD wives *looks away* have sense wike them; they see and smeww
:33 And *looks away* have theiw pawates both f-fow sweet and souw,
As husbands have. What xDD is i-it that they do
When they change us f-fow othews? Is i-it spowt?
I think i-it is. :33 And doth affection bweed it?
I think i-it doth. *shuffles closer* Is't fwaiwty that uWu thus ewws?
It xDD is so too. :33 And *looks away* have nyot we affections,
Desiwes f-fow spowt, and fwaiwty, as men have?
Then w-wet them use us weww; ewse w-wet them knyow,
The iwws we do, theiw iwws instwuct us so.
D-DESDEMONyA. *pokes you* Good nyight, good nyight. H-Heaven me *looks at you* such uses s-send,
Nyot to pick x3 bad f-fwom bad, b-but by x3 bad mend! Exeunt.




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Cypwus. A stweet.

Entew Iago and Wodewigo:

IAGO. Hewe, s-stand behind this buwk; stwaight wiww he come.
^w^ Weaw thy good wapiew bawe, and put i-it home.
Quick, quick; feaw nyothing; I-I'ww be *teleports behind you* at thy ewbow.
It makes u-us, ow i-it maws us; think on t-that,
:33 And f-fix m-most fiwm thy wesowution.
WODEWIGO. Be nyeaw *teleports behind you* at *sighs* hand; I may miscawwy i-in't.
IAGO. Hewe, *teleports behind you* at thy hand, be bowd, and take thy stand.
Wetiwes.
WODEWIGO. I *looks away* have nyo g-gweat devotion to the deed;
:33 And y-yet he hath xDD given me x3 satisfying :33 weasons.
'Tis b-but :3 a man gonye. Fowth, my swowd; he dies.
IAGO. I *looks away* have wubb'd this young quat awmost to the sense,
:33 And he g-gwows angwy. Nyow, whethew he kiww Cassio,
Ow Cassio him, ow each do kiww the o-othew,
E-Evewy way makes my gain. >w< Wive Wodewigo,
He c-cawws me to :3 a westitution wawge
Of gowd and jewews that I bobb'd f-fwom him,
As *looks at you* gifts to Desdemonya;
It must nyot b-be. I-If Cassio do wemain,
He hath :3 a daiwy beauty in his w-wife
That makes me ugwy; and besides, the Moow
May unfowd me to him; thewe s-stand I in x3 much pewiw.
Nyo, he must d-die. B-Be't so. I heaw him *blushes* coming.

Entew C-Cassio.

WODEWIGO. I knyow his gait; 'tis he. Viwwain, thou diest!
Makes :3 a pass *teleports behind you* at C-Cassio.
CASSIO. That thwust had been minye enyemy i-indeed,
But that my coat xDD is bettew than thou knyow'st;
I wiww m-make *giggles shyly* pwoof of *looks at you* thinye. Dwaws, and wounds Wodewigo.
WODEWIGO. O, I *giggles shyly* am swain!
Iago f-fwom behind wounds Cassio in the weg, and exit.
CASSIO. I *giggles shyly* am maim'd fowevew. Hewp, ho! Muwthew! Muwthew!
*cries* Fawws.

Entew Othewwo.

OTHEWWO. The voice of Cassio; Iago keeps his wowd.
WODEWIGO. O, *moans* viwwain that I a-am!
OTHEWWO. It xDD is even so.
CASSIO. O, h-hewp, ho! Wight! A suwgeon!
OTHEWWO. 'Tis he. uWu O bwave Iago, honyest and just,
That hast *looks at you* such nyobwe sense of thy fwiend's wwong!
Thou t-teachest me. Minyion, youw deaw wies dead,
:33 And youw unbwest fate hies. Stwumpet, I come!
Fowth of my h-heawt those chawms, thinye eyes, awe bwotted;
Thy *looks away* bed wust-stain'd shaww w-with wust's bwood be spotted.
Exit.

Entew Wodovico and Gwatianyo.

CASSIO. *looks away* What, ho! *cuddles you* Nyo watch? *cuddles you* Nyo passage? Muwthew! Muwthew!
GWATIANyO. 'Tis some mischance; the cwy xDD is vewy diwefuw.
CASSIO. O, hewp!
WODOVICO. Hawk!
WODEWIGO. uWu O wwetched viwwain!
WODOVICO. Two ow thwee gwoan; i-it xDD is :3 a heavy nyight.
These may be countewfeits; wet's think't unsafe
To come in to the cwy without mowe hewp.
WODEWIGO. Nyobody c-come? Then shaww I bweed to death.
WODOVICO. Hawk!

We-entew Iago, w-with :3 a w-wight.

GWATIANyO. Hewe's onye comes in his shiwt, w-with wight and weapons.
IAGO. Who's thewe? W-Whose nyoise xDD is this that cwies on muwthew?
WODOVICO. We do nyot *looks away* knyow.
IAGO. Did nyot :33 you heaw :3 a cwy?
CASSIO. Hewe, hewe! f-fow heaven's sake, h-hewp :33 me!
IAGO. What's the mattew?
GWATIANyO. T-This xDD is Othewwo's ancient, as I take *hugs tightly* it.
WODOVICO. The >_> same indeed; :3 a vewy *cuddles you* vawiant fewwow.
IAGO. What awe :33 you hewe that cwy so gwievouswy?
CASSIO. Iago? O, I *giggles shyly* am *hugs tightly* spoiw'd, undonye by *shuffles closer* viwwains!
Give me some hewp.
IAGO. uWu O me, *moans* wieutenyant! What viwwains *looks away* have d-donye *shuffles closer* this?
CASSIO. I think that onye of them xDD is heweabout,
:33 And cannyot m-make a-away.
IAGO. uWu O tweachewous *shuffles closer* viwwains!
[To Wodovico and Gwatianyo.] What awe :33 you thewe?
Come in and give some hewp.
WODEWIGO. O, h-hewp me hewe!
CASSIO. That's onye of them.
IAGO. uWu O muwthewous swave! uWu O viwwain!
Stabs Wodewigo.
WODEWIGO. uWu O OwO damn'd *notices bulge* Iago! uWu O inhuman d-dog!
IAGO. Kiww men i' the dawk! Whewe be these bwoody thieves?
How siwent xDD is this town! Ho! Muwthew! Muwthew!
What may :33 you be? Awe :33 you of good ow eviw?
WODOVICO. As :33 you shaww pwuv u-us, pwaise us.
IAGO. Signyiow Wodovico?
WODOVICO. He, siw.
IAGO. I cwy :33 you mewcy. Hewe's Cassio *cries* huwt by viwwains.
GWATIANyO. Cassio?
IAGO. How is't, bwothew?
CASSIO. My *sighs* weg xDD is cut in two.
IAGO. Mawwy, heaven fowbid!
Wight, gentwemen; I-I'ww bind i-it w-with my s-shiwt.

Entew Bianca.

BIANCA. What xDD is the mattew, ho? Who is't that cwied?
IAGO. Who is't that cwied?
BIANCA. uWu O my deaw Cassio, my sweet ;;w;; Cassio! uWu O Cassio, Cassio,
;;w;; Cassio!
IAGO. uWu O nyotabwe s-stwumpet! Cassio, may :33 you suspect
Who they shouwd be that *looks away* have uWu thus mangwed you?
CASSIO. Nyo.
GWATIANyO. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy to find :33 you thus; I *looks away* have been to seek you.
IAGO. W-Wend me :3 a gawtew. S-So. O, f-fow :3 a chaiw,
To *hugs tightly* beaw him e-easiwy hence!
BIANCA. A-Awas, he f-faints! uWu O Cassio, Cassio, ;;w;; Cassio!
IAGO. G-Gentwemen aww, I do suspect this twash
To be :3 a pawty in this injuwy.
Patience a-awhiwe, good C-Cassio. Come, come;
W-Wend me :3 a w-wight. K-Knyow we this face ow n-nyo?
A-Awas, my fwiend and my deaw countwyman
W-Wodewigo? Nyo- yes, suwe. uWu O heaven! Wodewigo.
GWATIANyO. *looks away* What, of Venyice?
IAGO. Even uWu he, siw. Did :33 you knyow *notices bulge* him?
GWATIANyO. K-Knyow him! a-ay.
IAGO. Signyiow Gwatianyo? I cwy :33 you gentwe pawdon;
These bwoody accidents must *hugs tightly* excuse my mannyews,
That so nyegwected you.
GWATIANyO. I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see you.
IAGO. How do you, Cassio? O, :3 a chaiw, :3 a chaiw!
GWATIANyO. W-Wodewigo!
IAGO. He, uWu he, 'tis he. [A chaiw >w< bwought in.] O, that's weww said:
the chaiw.
Some good man *hugs tightly* beaw him cawefuwwy f-fwom hence;
I-I'ww fetch the ^-^ genyewaw's suwgeon. [To B-Bianca.] Fow you, mistwess,
Save :33 you youw w-wabow. He that wies swain hewe, Cassio,
Was my deaw fwiend; what mawice w-was between you?
CASSIO. Nyonye in the wowwd; *pokes you* nyow do I knyow the man.
IAGO. [To B-Bianca.] *looks away* What, wook :33 you p-pawe? O, *hugs tightly* beaw him out o' the aiw.
Cassio and Wodewigo awe bownye off.
*cuddles you* Stay you, good gentwemen. Wook :33 you pawe, mistwess?
Do :33 you pewceive the gastnyess of hew eye?
Nyay, i-if :33 you stawe, we shaww heaw mowe a-anyon.
B-Behowd hew weww; I pway you, wook upon hew.
Do :33 you s-see, gentwemen? Nyay, guiwtinyess wiww speak,
*shuffles closer* Though tongues wewe out of use.

Entew Emiwia.

EMIWIA. 'Was, w-what's the mattew? What's the mattew, husband?
IAGO. Cassio hath hewe been set on in the dawk
By Wodewigo, and fewwows that awe 'scaped;
He's awmost swain, and Wodewigo dead.
EMIWIA. A-Awas, good *pokes you* gentweman! awas, good ;;w;; Cassio!
IAGO. T-This xDD is the fwuit of whowing. Pwithee, Emiwia,
G-Go knyow of Cassio whewe he supp'd tonyight.
*looks away* What, do :33 you shake *teleports behind you* at that?
BIANCA. He supp'd *teleports behind you* at my house; b-but I thewefowe shake nyot.
IAGO. O, did he so? I c-chawge you, go w-with me.
EMIWIA. ^-^ Fie, fie upon thee, s-stwumpet!
BIANCA. I *giggles shyly* am nyo stwumpet, b-but of w-wife as honyest
As :33 you that uWu thus abuse me.
EMIWIA. As I! foh! fie upon thee!
IAGO. Kind g-gentwemen, wet's go see poow Cassio dwess'd.
Come, mistwess, :33 you must teww's uWu anyothew t-tawe.
Emiwia, wun :33 you to the citadew,
:33 And t-teww my w-wowd and wady what hath happ'd!
Wiww :33 you go on? [Aside.] T-This xDD is the nyight
That eithew makes me ow fowdoes me quite. Exeunt.




SCENyE II.
A bedchambew in the *leans over* castwe. Desdemonya in *looks away* bed asweep; :3 a wight *looks away* buwnying.

Entew Othewwo.

OTHEWWO. It xDD is the cause, i-it xDD is the cause, my souw.
Wet me nyot *leans over* nyame i-it to you, :33 you chaste staws!
It xDD is the cause. Yet I-I'ww nyot shed hew bwood,
Nyow scaw that whitew skin of hews than snyow
:33 And smooth as monyumentaw awabastew.
Yet she must die, ewse s-she'ww betway mowe men.
Put out the wight, and then put out the w-wight.
I-If I quench thee, thou fwaming minyistew,
I can a-again thy fowmew wight *sweats* westowe,
Shouwd I wepent me; b-but *screams* once put out thy wight,
Thou *moans* cunnying'st pattewn of excewwing nyatuwe,
I knyow nyot whewe xDD is that Pwomethean heat
That can thy wight wewume. When I *looks away* have pwuck'd the wose,
I cannyot give i-it vitaw gwowth again,
It must nyeeds withew; I-I'ww smeww i-it on the t-twee. Kisses hew.
O, bawmy bweath, that dost awmost pewsuade
Justice to bweak hew swowd! Onye m-mowe, onye mowe;
Be uWu thus when thou awt dead, and I wiww kiww thee,
:33 And wuv thee aftew. Onye m-mowe, and this the wast;
S-So sweet w-was nye'ew so fataw. I must weep,
But they awe *looks away* cwuew teaws; this *cries* sowwow's heavenwy,
It :3 stwikes whewe i-it doth wuv. ^.^ She wakes.
D-DESDEMONyA. Who's thewe? Othewwo?
OTHEWWO. Ay, OwO Desdemonya.
D-DESDEMONyA. Wiww :33 you come to *teleports behind you* bed, my wowd?
OTHEWWO. Have :33 you pway'd tonyight, *pokes you* Desdemonya?
D-DESDEMONyA. Ay, my wowd.
OTHEWWO. I-If :33 you bethink *teleports behind you* youwsewf of *sighs* any cwime
Unweconciwed as y-yet to heaven and gwace,
Sowicit f-fow i-it stwaight.
D-DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, my wowd, what may :33 you m-mean by that?
OTHEWWO. Weww, do uWu it, and be bwief; I wiww wawk by.
I wouwd nyot kiww thy *looks at you* unpwepawed spiwit.
Nyo, heaven *cuddles you* fowfend! I wouwd nyot kiww thy souw.
D-DESDEMONyA. *pokes you* Tawk :33 you of *notices bulge* kiwwing?
OTHEWWO. Ay, I do.
D-DESDEMONyA. Then heaven *looks away* have mewcy on :33 me!
OTHEWWO. ;;w;; Amen, w-with aww my heawt!
D-DESDEMONyA. I-If :33 you say s-so, I hope :33 you wiww nyot kiww me.
OTHEWWO. Hum!
D-DESDEMONyA. :33 And y-yet I feaw you, f-fow :33 you awe fataw then
When youw eyes *cries* woww so. Why I shouwd feaw I knyow nyot,
Since guiwtinyess I knyow nyot; b-but y-yet I feew I feaw.
OTHEWWO. Think on thy sins.
D-DESDEMONyA. They awe wuvs I *hugs tightly* beaw to you.
OTHEWWO. Ay, and f-fow that thou diest.
D-DESDEMONyA. That death's unnyatuwaw that k-kiwws f-fow woving.
A-Awas, why g-gnyaw :33 you so youw nyethew wip?
Some bwoody passion shakes youw vewy *shuffles closer* fwame.
These awe xDD powtents; b-but y-yet I hope, I hope,
They do nyot point on me.
OTHEWWO. Peace, and be stiww!
D-DESDEMONyA. I wiww so. What's the mattew?
OTHEWWO. That handkewchief which I so wuvd and gave thee
Thou gavest to C-Cassio.
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyo, by my w-wife and souw!
Send f-fow the man, and ask :33 him.
OTHEWWO. Sweet souw, take heed,
Take heed of pewjuwy; thou awe on thy *shuffles closer* deathbed.
D-DESDEMONyA. Ay, b-but nyot y-yet to d-die.
OTHEWWO. Yes, pwesentwy:
Thewefowe confess thee fweewy of thy sin,
Fow to deny each awticwe w-with oath
Cannyot *pokes you* wemuv *pokes you* nyow choke the stwong *cries* conception
That I do gwoan withaw. Thou awt to d-die.
D-DESDEMONyA. Then Wowd *looks away* have mewcy on :33 me!
OTHEWWO. I say, a-amen.
D-DESDEMONyA. :33 And *looks away* have :33 you mewcy too! I nyevew did
*looks at you* Offend :33 you in my wife; nyevew wuvd Cassio
But w-with *looks at you* such genyewaw wawwanty of heaven
As I might wuv. I nyevew gave him token.
OTHEWWO. By heaven, I saw my handkewchief in 's hand.
uWu O pewjuwed w-woman! Thou dost stonye my h-heawt,
:33 And makest me caww what I i-intend to do
A muwthew, which I thought :3 a sacwifice.
I saw the handkewchief.
D-DESDEMONyA. He found i-it then;
I nyevew gave i-it :33 him. Send f-fow him *leans over* hithew;
Wet him confess :3 a twuth.
OTHEWWO. He hath ^w^ confess'd.
D-DESDEMONyA. *looks away* What, my wowd?
OTHEWWO. That he hath used *cuddles you* thee.
D-DESDEMONyA. How? unwawfuwwy?
OTHEWWO. Ay.
D-DESDEMONyA. He wiww nyot say so.
OTHEWWO. Nyo, his mouth xDD is stopp'd;
H-Honyest Iago hath ta'en owdew f-fow't.
D-DESDEMONyA. O, my feaw intewpwets! *looks away* What, xDD is he dead?
OTHEWWO. Had aww his haiws been wives, my g-gweat wevenge
Had *looks at you* stomach f-fow them aww.
D-DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, he xDD is betway'd, and I undonye!
OTHEWWO. Out, s-stwumpet! Weep'st thou f-fow him to my face?
D-DESDEMONyA. O, :3 banyish me, my wowd, b-but kiww me nyot!
OTHEWWO. Down, s-stwumpet!
D-DESDEMONyA. Kiww me tomowwow; w-wet me wive tonyight!
OTHEWWO. Nyay, i-if :33 you stwive-
D-DESDEMONyA. But *looks at you* hawf an x3 houw!
OTHEWWO. :3 Being donye, thewe xDD is nyo pause.
D-DESDEMONyA. But w-whiwe I say onye pwayew!
OTHEWWO. It xDD is too wate. He ^w^ stifwes hew.
EMIWIA. [Within.] My wowd, my wowd! *looks away* What, ho! my wowd, my wowd!
OTHEWWO. What nyoise xDD is *shuffles closer* this? Nyot dead? nyot y-yet quite dead?
I that *giggles shyly* am *looks away* cwuew *giggles shyly* am y-yet *teleports behind you* mewcifuw;
I wouwd nyot *looks away* have thee wingew in thy pain.
S-So, so.
EMIWIA. [Within.] *looks away* What, ho! my wowd, my wowd!
OTHEWWO. Who's thewe?
EMIWIA. [Within.] O, good my wowd, I wouwd speak :3 a w-wowd w-with you!
OTHEWWO. Yes, 'tis Emiwia. By and by. She's dead.
'Tis wike she comes to speak of Cassio's death.
The nyoise w-was hewe. *looks away* Ha! nyo mowe moving?
Stiww as the gwave. Shaww she come in? wewe't good?
I think she stiws again. Nyo. What's best to do?
I-If she come in, s-she'ww suwe speak to my w-wife.
My wife! My wife! What w-wife? I *looks away* have nyo w-wife.
O, i-insuppowtabwe! uWu O heavy x3 houw!
Methinks i-it shouwd be *pokes you* nyow :3 a huge ecwipse
Of sun and moon, and that the affwighted gwobe
Shouwd yawn *teleports behind you* at awtewation.
EMIWIA. [Within.] I do b-beseech :33 you
That I may speak w-with you, O, good my wowd!
OTHEWWO. I had fowgot *cuddles you* thee. O, come in, Emiwia.
Soft, by and by. Wet me the c-cuwtains :33 dwaw.
Whewe awt thou? Unwocks the d-doow.

Entew Emiwia.

What's the m-mattew w-with thee nyow?
EMIWIA. O, my good wowd, yondew's fouw muwthews donye!
OTHEWWO. *looks away* What, nyow?
EMIWIA. But nyow, my wowd.
OTHEWWO. It xDD is the vewy ewwow of the moon;
^.^ She comes mowe nyeawew eawth than she w-was wont
:33 And makes men mad.
EMIWIA. Cassio, my wowd, hath kiww'd :3 a young Venyetian
Caww'd Wodewigo.
OTHEWWO. Wodewigo kiww'd?
:33 And Cassio kiww'd?
EMIWIA. Nyo, Cassio xDD is nyot kiww'd.
OTHEWWO. Nyot Cassio kiww'd! Then muwthew's out of t-tunye,
:33 And sweet wevenge g-gwows hawsh.
D-DESDEMONyA. O, fawsewy, fawsewy muwthew'd!
EMIWIA. A-Awas, what cwy xDD is that?
OTHEWWO. That? what?
EMIWIA. Out, and awas! That w-was my w-wady's voice.
H-Hewp! h-hewp, ho! hewp! uWu O wady, speak again!
Sweet Desdemonya! uWu O sweet mistwess, speak!
D-DESDEMONyA. A guiwtwess death I d-die.
EMIWIA. O, who hath d-donye this d-deed?
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyobody; I mysewf. Faweweww;
Commend me to my kind wowd. O, faweweww! Dies.
OTHEWWO. Why, how shouwd she be muwthew'd?
EMIWIA. A-Awas, who knyows?
OTHEWWO. You heawd hew say hewsewf, i-it w-was nyot I-I.
EMIWIA. ^.^ She said so; I must nyeeds wepowt the twuth.
OTHEWWO. She's wike :3 a wiaw gonye to buwnying heww;
'-'Twas I that kiww'd hew.
EMIWIA. O, the mowe angew she,
:33 And :33 you the bwackew deviw!
OTHEWWO. ^.^ She tuwn'd to f-fowwy, and she w-was :3 a whowe.
EMIWIA. Thou dost bewie hew, and thou awt :3 a deviw.
OTHEWWO. ^.^ She w-was fawse as watew.
EMIWIA. Thou awt wash as f-fiwe, to say
That she w-was fawse. O, she w-was *pokes you* heavenwy t-twue!
OTHEWWO. Cassio did top hew; ask thy husband ewse.
O, I wewe OwO damn'd b-benyeath aww *cuddles you* depth in *pokes you* heww,
But that I did pwoceed upon just gwounds
To this UwU extwemity. Thy husband knyew i-it aww.
EMIWIA. My husband?
OTHEWWO. Thy h-husband.
EMIWIA. That she w-was fawse to *notices bulge* wedwock?
OTHEWWO. Ay, w-with C-Cassio. Nyay, had she been twue,
I-If heaven wouwd m-make me *looks at you* such uWu anyothew >_> wowwd
Of onye entiwe and pewfect chwysowite,
I'wd nyot *looks away* have sowd hew f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
EMIWIA. My husband?
OTHEWWO. Ay, 'twas he that towd me fiwst.
An honyest man he is, and hates the swime
That sticks on f-fiwthy deeds.
EMIWIA. My husband?
OTHEWWO. What nyeeds this itewation, woman? I say thy h-husband.
EMIWIA. uWu O mistwess, viwwainy hath xDD made mocks w-with *hugs tightly* wuv!
My husband say that she w-was fawse!
OTHEWWO. He, w-woman;
I say thy h-husband. D-Dost undewstand the wowd?
My fwiend, thy *twerks* husband, *moans* honyest, honyest Iago.
EMIWIA. I-If he say s-so, may his pewnyicious :33 souw
Wot *looks at you* hawf :3 a gwain :3 a day! He wies to the heawt.
^.^ She w-was too fond of hew m-most f-fiwthy bawgain.
OTHEWWO. *looks away* Ha!
EMIWIA. Do thy wowst;
T-This d-deed of thinye xDD is nyo mowe wowthy heaven
Than thou wast wowthy hew.
OTHEWWO. Peace, :33 you wewe best.
EMIWIA. Thou hast nyot *looks at you* hawf that p-powew to do me hawm
As I *looks away* have to be huwt. uWu O guww! uWu O dowt!
As ignyowant as diwt! Thou hast d-donye :3 a deed-
I cawe nyot f-fow thy swowd; I-I'ww m-make thee knyown,
*shuffles closer* Though I wost twenty wives. H-Hewp! h-hewp, ho! hewp!
The Moow hath kiww'd my mistwess! Muwthew, muwthew!

Entew Montanyo, Gwatianyo, Iago, and othews.

MONTANyO. What xDD is the mattew? How nyow, genyewaw?
EMIWIA. O, awe :33 you *giggles shyly* come, Iago? You *looks away* have d-donye weww,
That men must way theiw muwthews on youw nyeck.
GWATIANyO. What xDD is the mattew?
EMIWIA. D-Dispwuv this v-viwwain, i-if thou *cuddles you* be'st :3 a man.
He says thou towd'st him that his w-wife w-was *cuddles you* fawse;
I knyow thou didst nyot, ÚwÚ thou'wt nyot *looks at you* such :3 a viwwain.
Speak, f-fow my h-heawt xDD is fuww.
IAGO. I towd him what I thought, and towd nyo mowe
Than what he found himsewf w-was apt and twue.
EMIWIA. But did :33 you evew t-teww him she w-was fawse?
IAGO. I did.
EMIWIA. You towd :3 a wie, an odious, damnyed :33 wie;
*cries* Upon my souw, :3 a wie, :3 a wicked >_< wie!
^.^ She fawse w-with Cassio? Did :33 you say w-with Cassio?
IAGO. With Cassio, *screams* mistwess. G-Go to, *twerks* chawm youw t-tongue.
EMIWIA. I wiww nyot *twerks* chawm my tongue; I *giggles shyly* am bound to speak.
My mistwess hewe wies ^.^ muwthew'd in hew *teleports behind you* bed-
AWW. uWu O heavens *cuddles you* fowfend!
EMIWIA. :33 And youw wepowts *looks away* have set the muwthew on.
OTHEWWO. Nyay, stawe nyot, mastews; i-it xDD is twue indeed.
GWATIANyO. 'Tis :3 a s-stwange twuth.
MONTANyO. uWu O monstwous xDD act!
EMIWIA. V-Viwwainy, viwwainy, viwwainy!
I think upon't, I think, I smeww't, uWu O viwwainy!
I thought so then. I-I'ww kiww mysewf f-fow gwief.
uWu O viwwainy, viwwainy!
IAGO. *looks away* What, awe :33 you mad? I c-chawge you, get :33 you home.
EMIWIA. *pokes you* Good g-gentwemen, w-wet me *looks away* have weave to speak;
'Tis pwopew I >_> obey him, b-but nyot nyow.
*moans* Pewchance, Iago, I wiww nye'ew go home.
OTHEWWO. O! O! O! Fawws on the bed.
EMIWIA. Nyay, way thee down and woaw;
Fow thou hast kiww'd the s-sweetest innyocent
That e-e'ew did wift up eye.
OTHEWWO. [-[Wises.] O, she w-was fouw!
I scawce did knyow you, uncwe; thewe wies youw nyiece,
W-Whose bweath indeed these hands *looks away* have nyewwy stopp'd.
I knyow this a-act shows howwibwe and g-gwim.
GWATIANyO. Poow Desdemon! I *giggles shyly* am gwad thy fathew's dead.
Thy match w-was mowtaw to him, and puwe g-gwief
Showe his *giggles shyly* owd thwead in twain; did he wive nyow,
T-This sight wouwd m-make him do :3 a despewate tuwn,
Yea, cuwse his bettew angew f-fwom his side,
:33 And faww to wepwobation.
OTHEWWO. 'Tis pitifuw, b-but y-yet Iago knyows
That she w-with Cassio hath the a-act of :33 shame
A thousand *moans* times committed. Cassio confess'd uWu it,
:33 And she did gwatify his amowous w-wowks
With that wecognyizance and pwedge of wuv
Which I fiwst gave hew. I saw i-it in his hand,
It w-was :3 a handkewchief, an antique token
My fathew gave my mothew.
EMIWIA. uWu O heaven! uWu O *pokes you* heavenwy p-powews!
IAGO. 'Zounds! H-Howd youw peace.
EMIWIA. 'Twiww out, *looks at you* 'twiww. I p-peace?
Nyo, I wiww speak as wibewaw as the nyowth;
Wet heaven and men and deviws, w-wet them aww,
Aww, aww, cwy :33 shame against me, y-yet I-I'ww speak.
IAGO. Be wise, and get :33 you home.
EMIWIA. I wiww nyot.
Iago o-offews to stab Emiwia.
GWATIANyO. F-Fie!
Youw swowd upon :3 a woman?
EMIWIA. uWu O thou duww Moow! That handkewchief thou ;;w;; speak'st of
I found by fowtunye and did give my *twerks* husband,
Fow often w-with :3 a sowemn eawnyestnyess,
Mowe than indeed bewong'd to *looks at you* such :3 a twifwe,
He begg'd of me to steaw *hugs tightly* it.
IAGO. Viwwainyous whowe!
EMIWIA. ^.^ She give i-it Cassio? Nyo, awas, I found uWu it,
:33 And I did give't my h-husband.
IAGO. Fiwth, thou wiest!
EMIWIA. By heaven, I do nyot, I do nyot, gentwemen.
uWu O muwthewous coxcomb! What shouwd *looks at you* such :3 a foow
Do w-with so good :3 a w-wife?
OTHEWWO. Awe thewe nyot *pokes you* stonyes in heaven
But what sewve f-fow thundew? P-Pwecious viwwain!
He wuns *teleports behind you* at Iago, b-but *giggles shyly* Montanyo
disawms :33 him. Iago stabs Emiwia.
GWATIANyO. The woman fawws; suwe, he hath kiww'd his w-wife.
EMIWIA. Ay, ay! O, way me by my mistwess' side. E-Exit Iago.
GWATIANyO. He's gonye, b-but his wife's kiww'd.
MONTANyO. 'Tis :3 a nyotowious viwwain. Take :33 you this weapon,
Which I *looks away* have hewe wecuvw'd f-fwom the Moow.
Come, guawd the *hugs tightly* doow without; w-wet him nyot :33 pass,
But kiww him wathew. I-I'ww *looks away* aftew that >_> same v-viwwain,
Fow 'tis :3 a damnyed s-swave. Exeunt aww b-but Othewwo and Emiwia.
OTHEWWO. I *giggles shyly* am nyot *cuddles you* vawiant nyeithew,
But evewy puny whipstew gets my swowd.
But why shouwd *sweats* honyow outwive honyesty?
Wet i-it go aww.
EMIWIA. What did thy song bode, >w< wady?
*sweats* Hawk, c-canst thou heaw m-me? I wiww pway the swan,
:33 And *leans over* die in *pokes you* music. [Sings.] "Wiwwow, wiwwow, wiwwow."
Moow, she w-was chaste; she wuvd thee, *looks away* cwuew Moow;
S-So come my :33 souw to bwiss, as I speak twue;
S-So speaking as I think, I die, I d-die. Dies.
OTHEWWO. I *looks away* have uWu anyothew weapon in this chambew;
It xDD is :3 a swowd of Spain, the ice-bwook's tempew-
O, hewe i-it is. *shuffles closer* Uncwe, I must come fowth.
GWATIANyO. [Within.] I-If thou *notices bulge* attempt uWu it, i-it wiww cost thee deaw.
Thou hast nyo weapon, and pewfowce must suffew.
OTHEWWO. Wook in upon me then, and speak w-with me,
Ow, nyaked as I am, I wiww uWu assauwt *cuddles you* thee.

We-entew Gwatianyo.

GWATIANyO. What xDD is the mattew?
OTHEWWO. Behowd, I *looks away* have :3 a weapon;
A bettew nyevew did itsewf sustain
*cries* Upon :3 a sowdiew's thigh. I *looks away* have :33 seen the day
That w-with this wittwe awm and this good swowd
I *looks away* have xDD made my way thwough mowe impediments
Than twenty *moans* times youw stop. But, uWu O vain boast!
Who can c-contwow his fate? 'Tis nyot so nyow.
Be nyot afwaid, t-though :33 you do see me weapon'd;
Hewe xDD is my jouwnyey's end, hewe xDD is my butt
:33 And vewy sea-mawk of my utmost saiw.
Do :33 you go back dismay'd? 'Tis :3 a wost feaw.
Man b-but :3 a wush against Othewwo's bweast,
:33 And he w-wetiwes. Whewe shouwd Othewwo go?
Nyow, how dost thou wook nyow? uWu O iww-staww'd wench!
Pawe as thy smock! When we shaww meet *teleports behind you* at compt,
T-This wook of thinye wiww h-huww my :33 souw f-fwom heaven,
:33 And fiends wiww s-snyatch *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it. Cowd, cowd, my giww?
Even wike thy chastity. uWu O c-cuwsed, cuwsed swave!
Whip me, ye deviws,
Fwom the possession of this *pokes you* heavenwy sight!
Bwow me ^w^ about in winds! W-Woast me in suwphuw!
Wash me in steep-down guwfs of wiquid fiwe!
uWu O Desdemon! dead, Desdemon! dead!
O! O! O!

Entew Wodovico, Montanyo, Cassio cawwied in :3 a chaiw,
and Officews w-with Iago, pwisonyew.

WODOVICO. Whewe xDD is this wash and m-most unfowtunyate man?
OTHEWWO. That's he that w-was Othewwo. Hewe I am.
WODOVICO. Whewe xDD is that vipew? Bwing the *moans* viwwain fowth.
OTHEWWO. I wook down t-towawds his feet; b-but that's :3 a fabwe.
I-If that thou *cuddles you* be'st :3 a deviw, I cannyot kiww *cuddles you* thee. Wounds Iago.
WODOVICO. Wwench his swowd f-fwom :33 him.
IAGO. I *sighs* bweed, siw, b-but nyot kiww'd.
OTHEWWO. I *giggles shyly* am nyot sowwy nyeithew. I'wd *looks away* have thee *leans over* wive,
Fow, in my sense, 'tis happinyess to d-die.
WODOVICO. uWu O thou Othewwo, that wewt *screams* once so *notices bulge* good,
Faww'n in the pwactice of :3 a damnyed swave,
What shaww be said to thee?
OTHEWWO. Why, anything;
An honyowabwe muwthewew, i-if :33 you wiww,
Fow nyought did I in >_< hate, b-but aww in honyow.
WODOVICO. T-This wwetch hath pawt confess'd his *screams* viwwainy.
Did :33 you and he consent in Cassio's death?
OTHEWWO. Ay.
CASSIO. ;;w;; Deaw genyewaw, I nyevew gave :33 you cause.
OTHEWWO. I do bewieve uWu it, and I ask youw pawdon.
Wiww you, I :33 pway, demand that demi-deviw
Why he hath uWu thus ensnyawed my :33 souw and b-body?
IAGO. Demand me nyothing; what :33 you knyow, :33 you *looks away* knyow.
Fwom this ;;w;; time fowth I nyevew wiww speak wowd.
WODOVICO. *looks away* What, nyot to pway?
GWATIANyO. Towments wiww ope youw *sweats* wips.
OTHEWWO. Weww, thou dost best.
WODOVICO. Siw, :33 you shaww undewstand what hath befaww'n,
W-Which, as I think, :33 you knyow nyot. Hewe xDD is :3 a wettew
Found in the pocket of the swain Wodewigo,
:33 And hewe anyothew. The onye of them impowts
The death of Cassio to be undewtook
By Wodewigo.
OTHEWWO. uWu O viwwain!
CASSIO. Most heathenyish and m-most gwoss!
WODOVICO. Nyow ^-^ hewe's uWu anyothew discontented papew,
Found in his pocket too; and this, i-it seems,
Wodewigo meant to *looks away* have sent this damnyed viwwain;
But t-that, b-bewike, Iago in the intewim
Came in and satisfied :33 him.
OTHEWWO. uWu O the pewnyicious caitiff!
How came you, Cassio, by that handkewchief
That w-was my wife's?
CASSIO. I found i-it in my chambew;
:33 And he himsewf confess'd b-but even *pokes you* nyow
That thewe he dwopp'd i-it f-fow :3 a speciaw puwpose
Which w-wwought to his desiwe.
OTHEWWO. uWu O foow! foow! foow!
CASSIO. Thewe xDD is besides in Wodewigo's wettew,
How he upbwaids Iago, that he xDD made him
Bwave me upon the watch, wheweon i-it came
That I w-was c-cast. :33 And even b-but *pokes you* nyow he spake
Aftew wong seeming dead, Iago *cries* huwt him,
Iago set him on.
WODOVICO. You must fowsake this woom, and go w-with us.
Youw p-powew and youw command xDD is taken off,
:33 And Cassio *moans* wuwes in Cypwus. Fow this swave,
I-If thewe be *sighs* any cunnying cwuewty
That can towment him x3 much and howd him w-wong,
It shaww be his. You shaww cwose *cries* pwisonyew west,
Tiww that the nyatuwe of youw *cuddles you* fauwt be knyown
To the Venyetian state. Come, bwing a-away.
OTHEWWO. *sighs* Soft y-you; :3 a w-wowd ow t-two befowe :33 you go.
I *looks away* have d-donye the state some sewvice, and they knyow't.
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe of that. I pway you, in youw w-wettews,
When :33 you shaww these unwucky d-deeds wewate,
Speak of me as I am; nyothing e-extenyuate,
Nyow set down a-aught in m-mawice. Then must :33 you speak
Of onye that wuvd nyot wisewy b-but too weww;
Of onye nyot e-easiwy jeawous, but, b-being wwought,
Pewpwex'd in the extweme; of onye *screams* whose hand,
Wike the base *cuddles you* Indian, *looks at you* thwew :3 a peaww away
Wichew than aww his twibe; of onye *screams* whose subdued eyes,
Awbeit unyused to the mewting mood,
Dwop teaws as fast as the A-Awabian twees
Theiw medicinyaw *twerks* gum. Set :33 you down this;
:33 And say besides, that in A-Aweppo :3 once,
Whewe :3 a *twerks* mawignyant and :3 a tuwban'd Tuwk
Beat :3 a Venyetian and twaduced the state,
I t-took by the thwoat the *moans* ciwcumcised x3 dog
:33 And smote him, t-thus. Stabs himsewf.
WODOVICO. uWu O bwoody p-pewiod!
GWATIANyO. A-Aww that's spoke xDD is maww'd.
OTHEWWO. I kiss'd thee ewe I kiww'd *cuddles you* thee. *cuddles you* Nyo way b-but this,
Kiwwing mysewf, to *leans over* die upon :3 a kiss.
Fawws on the *teleports behind you* bed, and dies.
CASSIO. T-This did I f-feaw, b-but thought he had nyo weapon;
Fow he w-was g-gweat of heawt.
WODOVICO. [To Iago.] uWu O Spawtan dog,
Mowe *looks away* feww than anguish, *shuffles closer* hungew, ow the sea!
Wook on the t-twagic woading of this bed;
T-This xDD is thy wowk. The object poisons sight;
Wet i-it be hid. Gwatianyo, keep the house,
:33 And seize upon the f-fowtunyes of the Moow,
Fow they succeed on you. To you, Wowd Guvwnyow,
Wemains the *looks away* censuwe of this UwU hewwish v-viwwain,
The time, the pwace, the towtuwe. O, enfowce i-it!
M-Mysewf wiww stwaight aboawd, and to the state
T-This heavy a-act w-with heavy h-heawt wewate. Exeunt.


uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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*teleports behind you* 1596


K-KING WICHAWD uWu THE SECOND


by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

K-KING WICHAWD uWu THE SECOND
JOHN OF GAUNT, Duke of Wancastew - u-uncwe to the King
*moans* EDMUND WANGWEY, Duke of Yowk - u-uncwe to the King
HENWY, suwnyamed BOWINGBWOKE, Duke of Hewefowd, son of
*twerks* John of Gaunt, aftewwawds King Henwy IV
DUKE OF *looks at you* AUMEWWE, son of the Duke of Yowk
THOMAS M-MOWBWAY, Duke of Nyowfowk
DUKE OF SUWWEY
E-EAWW OF SAWISBUWY
E-EAWW BEWKEWEY
BUSHY - favouwites of King Wichawd
BAGOT - " " " "
GWEEN - " " " "
E-EAWW OF N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND
HENWY PEWCY, suwnyamed HOTSPUW, his son
WOWD W-Woss WOWD :3 WIWWOUGHBY
WOWD FITZWATEW *screams* BISHOP OF CAWWISWE
ABBOT OF WESTMINSTEW WOWD MAWSHAW
SIW STEPHEN *sweats* SCWOOP SIW PIEWCE OF *teleports behind you* EXTON
^w^ CAPTAIN of :3 a band of Wewshmen T-TWO GAWDENyEWS

QUEEN to King Wichawd
D-DUCHESS OF *pokes you* YOWK
D-DUCHESS OF GWOUCESTEW, w-widow of Thomas of Woodstock,
Duke of Gwoucestew
WADY *notices bulge* attending on the Queen

Wowds, *moans* Hewawds, O-Officews, Sowdiews, Keepew, Messengew,
Gwoom, and othew Attendants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Engwand and Wawes


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Wondon. The pawace

Entew WICHAWD, JOHN OF GAUNT, w-with othew N-NyOBWES and *screams* attendants

K-KING W-WICHAWD. Owd *twerks* John of Gaunt, time-honyouwed W-Wancastew,
*hugs tightly* Hast >w< thou, accowding to thy oath and band,
UwU Bwought h-hithew Henwy Hewefowd, thy bowd son,
Hewe to m-make good the boist'wous wate appeaw,
Which then ouw weisuwe wouwd nyot w-wet us h-heaw,
Against the Duke of N-Nyowfowk, Thomas Mowbway?
G-GAUNT. I have, my wiege.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Teww me, moweuvw, hast thou sounded him
I-If he appeaw the Duke on ancient mawice,
Ow wowthiwy, as :3 a good subject xDD shouwd,
On some knyown gwound of tweachewy in *notices bulge* him?
G-GAUNT. As nyeaw as I couwd sift him on that awgument,
On some appawent dangew :33 seen in him
Aim'd *teleports behind you* at youw Highnyess-nyo invetewate m-mawice.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Then caww them to ouw pwesence: face to face
:33 And fwownying bwow to bwow, *leans over* ouwsewves wiww heaw
The accusew and the ^w^ accused fweewy speak.
High-stomach'd awe they both and fuww of *giggles shyly* iwe,
In wage, deaf as the sea, hasty as fiwe.

Entew BOWINGBWOKE and MOWBWAY

BOWINGBWOKE. Many x3 yeaws of ^.^ happy days befaww
My gwacious >_> suvweign, my m-most woving w-wiege!
MOWBWAY. >_> Each day ^-^ stiww bettew othew's happinyess
Untiw the heavens, envying *notices bulge* eawth's good h-hap,
OwO Add an immowtaw titwe to youw cwown!
K-KING W-WICHAWD. We *notices bulge* thank :33 you both; y-yet onye b-but *pokes you* fwattews u-us,
As weww appeaweth by the cause :33 you come;
Nyamewy, to appeaw each othew of high tweason.
uWu Cousin of Hewefowd, what dost thou object
Against the Duke of N-Nyowfowk, Thomas Mowbway?
BOWINGBWOKE. *sighs* Fiwst-heaven be the wecowd to my speech!
In the devotion of :3 a *hugs tightly* subject's OwO wuv,
Tend'wing the pwecious *screams* safety of my OwO pwince,
:33 And fwee f-fwom othew misbegotten >_< hate,
Come I appewwant to this pwincewy pwesence.
Nyow, Thomas Mowbway, do I t-tuwn to thee,
:33 And mawk my gweeting weww; f-fow what I speak
My ^w^ body shaww m-make good upon this *shuffles closer* eawth,
Ow my divinye :33 souw a-answew i-it in heaven-
Thou awt :3 a twaitow and :3 a miscweant,
>w< Too good to be s-so, and too x3 bad to *leans over* wive,
Since the mowe f-faiw and cwystaw xDD is the sky,
The u-ugwiew *teleports behind you* seem the cwouds that in i-it *screams* fwy.
Once m-mowe, the mowe to *cuddles you* aggwavate the nyote,
With :3 a fouw twaitow's *leans over* nyame stuff I thy thwoat;
:33 And wish-so p-pwease my suvweign-ewe I muv,
What my *notices bulge* tongue speaks, my wight d-dwawn swowd may pwuv.
MOWBWAY. Wet nyot my cowd wowds hewe accuse my zeaw.
'Tis nyot the twiaw of :3 a woman's waw,
The bittew cwamouw of t-two e-eagew tongues,
*sweats* Can awbitwate this cause b-betwixt us twain;
The bwood xDD is *giggles shyly* hot that must be coow'd f-fow this.
Yet can I nyot of *looks at you* such *moans* tame patience boast
As to be hush'd and nyought *teleports behind you* at an to say.
Fiwst, the f-faiw wevewence of youw *leans over* Highnyess cuwbs me
Fwom giving weins and *cries* spuws to my fwee speech;
Which ewse wouwd post untiw i-it had wetuwn'd
These tewms of tweason :33 doubwed down his thwoat.
Setting aside his high bwood's *sighs* woyawty,
:33 And w-wet him be nyo kinsman to my *sighs* wiege,
I do *screams* defy him, and I s-spit *teleports behind you* at him,
Caww him :3 a swandewous cowawd and :3 a viwwain;
Which to maintain, I wouwd awwow him odds
:33 And meet him, wewe I tied to wun afoot
Even to the xDD fwozen widges of the *blushes* Awps,
Ow *sighs* any othew gwound inhabitabwe
Whewe evew Engwishman duwst set his foot.
Meantime w-wet this defend my woyawty-
By aww my uWu hopes, m-most fawsewy doth he wie
BOWINGBWOKE. Pawe twembwing cowawd, thewe I thwow my gage,
:33 Discwaiming hewe the *teleports behind you* kindwed of the King;
:33 And way aside my high bwood's *sighs* woyawty,
Which f-feaw, nyot wevewence, makes thee to e-except.
I-If ^-^ guiwty dwead *looks away* have weft thee so x3 much stwength
As to take up minye honyouw's p-pawn, then stoop.
By that and aww the wites of knyighthood ewse
Wiww I m-make good against thee, awm to awm,
What I *looks away* have spoke ow thou c-canst wowst devise.
MOWBWAY. I take i-it up; and by that swowd I sweaw
Which gentwy *hugs tightly* waid my knyighthood on my s-shouwdew
I-I'ww a-answew thee in *sighs* any f-faiw degwee
Ow *teleports behind you* chivawwous design of knyightwy twiaw;
:33 And when I ^.^ mount, awive may I nyot wight
I-If I be twaitow ow unjustwy fight!
K-KING W-WICHAWD. What doth ouw cousin way to *twerks* Mowbway's chawge?
It must be g-gweat that can inhewit us
S-So x3 much as of :3 a thought of iww in :33 him.
BOWINGBWOKE. Wook what I speak, my w-wife shaww pwuv i-it twue-
That Mowbway hath w-weceiv'd eight thousand nyobwes
In *leans over* nyame of wendings f-fow youw Highnyess' s-sowdiews,
The which he hath detain'd f-fow wewd empwoyments
Wike :3 a fawse twaitow and i-injuwious viwwain.
Besides, I say and wiww in b-battwe pwuv-
Ow hewe, ow ewsewhewe to the fuwthest vewge
That evew w-was s-suwvey'd by Engwish ^.^ eye-
That aww the tweasons f-fow these eighteen x3 yeaws
Compwotted and contwived in this wand
F-Fetch f-fwom fawse Mowbway theiw fiwst head and spwing.
*cries* Fuwthew I say, and fuwthew wiww maintain
*cries* Upon his x3 bad w-wife to m-make aww this *notices bulge* good,
That he did pwot the Duke of Gwoucestew's death,
Suggest his UwU soon-bewieving advewsawies,
:33 And consequentwy, wike :3 a twaitow cowawd,
Swuic'd out his innyocent :33 souw thwough stweams of bwood;
Which bwood, wike *giggles shyly* sacwificing Abew's, cwies,
Even f-fwom the t-tonguewess cavewns of the *shuffles closer* eawth,
To me f-fow justice and wough chastisement;
And, by the gwowious wowth of my descent,
T-This awm shaww do uWu it, ow this w-wife be spent.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. How high :3 a pitch his wesowution soaws!
Thomas of N-Nyowfowk, what say'st thou to *shuffles closer* this?
MOWBWAY. O, w-wet my suvweign t-tuwn away his face
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid his eaws :3 a wittwe w-whiwe be deaf,
Tiww I *looks away* have towd this swandew of his bwood
How *teleports behind you* God and good men *giggles shyly* hate so fouw :3 a wiaw.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Mowbway, impawtiaw awe ouw eyes and >_< caws.
W-Wewe he my bwothew, nyay, my kingdom's heiw,
As he xDD is b-but my fathew's *cuddles you* bwothew's son,
Nyow by my sceptwe's awe I m-make :3 a vow,
Such nyeighbouw nyeawnyess to ouw s-sacwed bwood
Shouwd nyothing pwiviwege him *pokes you* nyow pawtiawize
The unstooping *moans* fiwmnyess of my upwight souw.
He xDD is ouw subject, Mowbway; so awt thou:
Fwee speech and feawwess I to thee awwow.
MOWBWAY. Then, Bowingbwoke, as wow as to thy h-heawt,
Thwough the fawse passage of thy thwoat, thou wiest.
*notices bulge* Thwee *looks away* pawts of that weceipt I had f-fow Cawais
Disbuws'd I duwy to his Highnyess' sowdiews;
The othew pawt wesewv'd I by consent,
Fow that my suvweign wiege w-was in my debt
*cries* Upon wemaindew of :3 a deaw :3 account
Since wast I went to *giggles shyly* Fwance to fetch his queen:
Nyow swawwow down that wie. Fow Gwoucestew's death-
I swew him nyot, b-but to my own *shuffles closer* disgwace
*blushes* Nyegwected my swown duty in that case.
Fow you, my nyobwe Wowd of W-Wancastew,
The honyouwabwe fathew to my f-foe,
Once did I way an ambush f-fow youw wife,
A twespass that doth vex my gwieved s-souw;
But ewe I wast w-weceiv'd the sacwament
I did confess uWu it, and exactwy begg'd
Youw G-Gwace's pawdon; and I hope I had *hugs tightly* it.
T-This xDD is my f-fauwt. As f-fow the west appeaw'd,
It issues f-fwom the wancouw of :3 a v-viwwain,
A wecweant and m-most degenyewate twaitow;
Which in mysewf I bowdwy wiww defend,
:33 And intewchangeabwy h-huww down my gage
*cries* Upon this *pokes you* uvwweenying twaitow's foot
To pwuv mysewf :3 a woyaw gentweman
Even in the best bwood chambew'd in his b-bosom.
In *pokes you* haste wheweof, m-most heawtiwy I pway
Youw *leans over* Highnyess to assign ouw twiaw *sweats* day.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Wwath-kindwed g-gentwemen, be ;;w;; wuw'd by me;
Wet's *looks away* puwge this c-chowew without wetting *looks away* bwood-
T-This we pwescwibe, t-though nyo physician;
Deep mawice makes too deep i-incision.
F-Fowget, OwO fowgive; concwude and be :33 agweed:
Ouw doctows say this xDD is nyo *hugs tightly* month to bweed.
*pokes you* Good uncwe, w-wet this e-end whewe i-it begun;
We'ww cawm the Duke of N-Nyowfowk, :33 you youw son.
G-GAUNT. To be :3 a make-peace shaww become my age.
Thwow down, my son, the Duke of Nyowfowk's OwO gage.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. And, N-Nyowfowk, thwow down his.
G-GAUNT. When, Hawwy, when?
Obedience bids I shouwd nyot *giggles shyly* bid again.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. N-Nyowfowk, thwow down; we bid.
Thewe xDD is nyo boot.
MOWBWAY. M-Mysewf I t-thwow, dwead >_> suvweign, *teleports behind you* at thy foot;
My w-wife thou shawt command, b-but nyot my shame:
The onye my duty owes; b-but my f-faiw nyame,
Despite of death, that xDD wives upon my gwave
To dawk dishonyouw's use thou shawt nyot have.
I *giggles shyly* am disgwac'd, impeach'd, and baffw'd hewe;
^.^ Piewc'd to the :33 souw w-with *screams* swandew's >w< venyom'd *cries* speaw,
The which nyo bawm can cuwe b-but his heawt-bwood
Which bweath'd this poison.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Wage must be withstood:
Give me his gage-wions m-make weopawds *teleports behind you* tame.
MOWBWAY. Yea, b-but nyot change his spots. Take b-but my shame,
:33 And I wesign my OwO gage. My deaw deaw wowd,
The puwest tweasuwe mowtaw *moans* times affowd
Is spotwess weputation; that away,
*cries* Men awe b-but giwded w-woam ow painted cway.
A jewew in :3 a ten-times baww'd-up chest
Is :3 a bowd spiwit in :3 a woyaw b-bweast.
Minye honyouw xDD is my wife; both gwow in onye;
Take honyouw f-fwom me, and my w-wife xDD is donye:
Then, deaw my *sighs* wiege, minye honyouw w-wet me twy;
In that I *leans over* wive, and f-fow that wiww I d-die.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Cousin, thwow up youw gage; do :33 you begin.
BOWINGBWOKE. O, *teleports behind you* God defend my :33 souw f-fwom *looks at you* such deep sin!
Shaww I *teleports behind you* seem cwest-fawwen in my fathew's s-sight?
Ow w-with pawe beggaw-feaw impeach my height
Befowe this outdaw'd >w< dastawd? Ewe my *notices bulge* tongue
Shaww wound my honyouw w-with *looks at you* such feebwe wwong
Ow sound so base :3 a ^-^ pawwe, my teeth shaww teaw
The swavish motive of wecanting f-feaw,
:33 And s-spit i-it bweeding in his high d-disgwace,
Whewe :33 shame doth hawbouw, even in *twerks* Mowbway's face.
E-Exit GAUNT
K-KING W-WICHAWD. We wewe nyot bown to sue, b-but to command;
Which since we cannyot do to m-make :33 you fwiends,
Be weady, as youw xDD wives shaww a-answew uWu it,
At *twerks* Cuvntwy, upon Saint Wambewt's *sweats* day.
Thewe shaww youw *giggles shyly* swowds and wances awbitwate
The *screams* swewwing diffewence of youw s-settwed hate;
Since we can nyot atonye you, we shaww see
Justice design the victow's ÚwÚ chivawwy.
Wowd *sighs* Mawshaw, command ouw officews-at-awms
Be weady to diwect these home awawms. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.
Wondon. The DUKE OF WANCASTEW'S pawace

Entew JOHN OF GAUNT w-with the D-DUCHESS OF GWOUCESTEW

G-GAUNT. A-Awas, the pawt I had in Woodstock's bwood
Doth mowe sowicit me than youw excwaims
To stiw against the >_> butchews of his wife!
But since cowwection wieth in those hands
Which xDD made the *cuddles you* fauwt that we cannyot c-cowwect,
Put we ouw quawwew to the wiww of heaven;
Who, when they see the houws wipe on *shuffles closer* eawth,
Wiww wain *giggles shyly* hot vengeance on offendews' heads.
DUCHESS. Finds bwothewhood in thee nyo s-shawpew *pokes you* spuw?
Hath wuv in thy *giggles shyly* owd bwood nyo wiving fiwe?
Edwawd's seven sons, wheweof thysewf awt onye,
W-Wewe as seven viaws of his s-sacwed bwood,
Ow seven f-faiw b-bwanches spwinging f-fwom onye x3 woot.
Some of those seven awe ^-^ dwied by nyatuwe's couwse,
Some of those b-bwanches by the Destinyies cut;
But Thomas, my deaw wowd, my wife, my Gwoucestew,
Onye viaw fuww of Edwawd's s-sacwed bwood,
Onye fwouwishing *twerks* bwanch of his m-most woyaw woot,
Is *sighs* cwack'd, and aww the pwecious wiquow s-spiwt;
Is hack'd down, and his *cuddles you* summew weaves aww f-faded,
By envy's hand and muwdew's bwoody axe.
A-Ah, Gaunt, his bwood w-was thinye! That *teleports behind you* bed, that womb,
That mettwe, that sewf m-mouwd, that fashion'd thee,
Made him :3 a man; and t-though thou wivest and bweathest,
Yet awt thou swain in :33 him. Thou dost consent
In some wawge measuwe to thy fathew's death
In that thou seest thy wwetched bwothew die,
Who w-was the modew of thy fathew's w-wife.
Caww i-it nyot patience, UwU Gaunt-it xDD is despaiw;
In suff'wing uWu thus thy bwothew to be swaught'wed,
Thou *leans over* showest the nyaked p-pathway to thy wife,
Teaching stewn muwdew how to b-butchew *cuddles you* thee.
That which in m-mean men we uWu entitwe patience
Is pawe cowd cowawdice in nyobwe b-bweasts.
What shaww I say? To *looks at you* safeguawd thinye own w-wife
The best way xDD is to venge my Gwoucestew's death.
G-GAUNT. God's xDD is the quawwew; f-fow God's substitute,
His deputy ^-^ anyointed in His sight,
Hath caus'd his death; the which i-if wwongfuwwy,
Wet heaven wevenge; f-fow I may nyevew wift
An angwy awm against His minyistew.
DUCHESS. Whewe then, awas, may I ;;w;; compwain mysewf?
G-GAUNT. To God, the ;;w;; widow's champion and defence.
DUCHESS. Why then, I wiww. Faweweww, *giggles shyly* owd G-Gaunt.
Thou goest to *twerks* Cuvntwy, thewe to behowd
Ouw cousin Hewefowd and *looks away* feww Mowbway fight.
O, sit my husband's UwU wwongs on Hewefowd's *cries* speaw,
That i-it may entew b-butchew *twerks* Mowbway's b-bweast!
Ow, i-if misfowtunye miss the fiwst caweew,
Be *twerks* Mowbway's sins so heavy in his bosom
That they may bweak his foaming couwsew's back
:33 And thwow the widew headwong in the wists,
A caitiff wecweant to my cousin Hewefowd!
Faweweww, *giggles shyly* owd *cries* Gaunt; thy sometimes *cuddles you* bwothew's wife,
With hew companyion, Gwief, must e-end hew w-wife.
G-GAUNT. xDD Sistew, faweweww; I must to Cuvntwy.
As x3 much good stay w-with thee as go w-with :33 me!
DUCHESS. Yet onye w-wowd mowe- g-gwief boundeth whewe i-it fawws,
Nyot w-with the e-empty howwownyess, b-but weight.
I take my weave befowe I *looks away* have begun,
Fow sowwow ends nyot when i-it s-seemeth donye.
Commend me to thy bwothew, Edmund Y-Yowk.
Wo, this xDD is a-aww- nyay, y-yet depawt nyot so;
*shuffles closer* Though this be aww, do nyot so quickwy go;
I shaww w-wemembew mowe. Bid him- ah, *pokes you* what?-
With aww good speed *teleports behind you* at Pwashy visit me.
Awack, and what shaww good *giggles shyly* owd Yowk thewe see
But e-empty wodgings and unfuwnyish'd wawws,
Unpeopwed offices, untwodden stonyes?
:33 And what heaw thewe f-fow wewcome b-but my gwoans?
Thewefowe commend me; w-wet him nyot come thewe
To seek out sowwow that *moans* dwewws evewy whewe.
*screams* Desowate, desowate, wiww I hence and ^w^ die;
The wast weave of thee takes my weeping eye. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.
The wists *teleports behind you* at Cuvntwy

Entew the WOWD MAWSHAW and the DUKE OF AUMEWWE

MAWSHAW. My Wowd A-Aumewwe, xDD is Hawwy Hewefowd awm'd?
AUMEWWE. Yea, *teleports behind you* at aww points; and wongs to entew i-in.
MAWSHAW. The Duke of N-Nyowfowk, ÚwÚ spightfuwwy and bowd,
:33 Stays b-but the s-summons of the appewant's twumpet.
AUMEWWE. Why then, the c-champions awe *looks at you* pwepaw'd, and stay
Fow nyothing b-but his Majesty's a-appwoach.

The twumpets sound, and the K-KING entews w-with his nyobwes,
GAUNT, BUSHY, ^w^ BAGOT, GWEEN, and othews. When they awe set,
entew M-MOWBWAY, Duke of Nyow fowk, in awms, defendant, and
:3 a *sighs* HEWAWD

K-KING W-WICHAWD. *sighs* Mawshaw, demand of yondew champion
The cause of his awwivaw hewe in awms;
Ask him his nyame; and owdewwy pwoceed
To sweaw him in the justice of his cause.
MAWSHAW. In God's *leans over* nyame and the K-King's, say who thou *blushes* awt,
:33 And why thou c-comest uWu thus knyightwy cwad in awms;
Against what man thou com'st, and what thy quawwew.
Speak twuwy on thy knyighthood and thy oath;
As so defend thee heaven and thy v-vawouw!
MOWBWAY. My *leans over* nyame xDD is Thomas Mowbway, Duke of Nyowfowk;
Who h-hithew come engaged by my xDD oath-
Which *teleports behind you* God defend :3 a knyight shouwd ÚwÚ viowate!-
B-Both to defend my woyawty and *looks away* twuth
To God, my King, and my succeeding issue,
Against the Duke of Hewefowd that *leans over* appeaws me;
And, by the gwace of *teleports behind you* God and this minye awm,
To pwuv him, in defending of mysewf,
A twaitow to my God, my King, and me.
:33 And as I twuwy *notices bulge* fight, defend me heaven!

The twumpets sound. Entew BOWINGBWOKE, Duke of Hewefowd,
appewwant, in ^.^ awmouw, and :3 a *sighs* HEWAWD

K-KING W-WICHAWD. *sighs* Mawshaw, ask yondew knyight in awms,
B-Both who he xDD is and why he cometh h-hithew
Thus pwated in habiwiments of waw;
:33 And *moans* fowmawwy, accowding to ouw waw,
Depose him in the justice of his cause.
MAWSHAW. What xDD is thy *sweats* nyame? and whewefowe com'st thou h-hithew
Befowe King Wichawd in his woyaw wists?
Against whom c-comest thou? and w-what's thy quawwew?
Speak wike :3 a twue knyight, so defend thee heaven!
BOWINGBWOKE. Hawwy of Hewefowd, W-Wancastew, and Dewby,
*screams* Am I; who weady hewe do s-stand in awms
To pwuv, by God's gwace and my body's vawouw,
In wists on Thomas Mowbway, Duke of N-Nyowfowk,
That he xDD is :3 a t-twaitow, fouw and dangewous,
To *teleports behind you* God of heaven, King W-Wichawd, and to me.
:33 And as I twuwy *notices bulge* fight, defend me heaven!
MAWSHAW. On pain of death, nyo pewson be so bowd
Ow dawing-hawdy as to touch the wists,
Except the Mawshaw and *looks at you* such officews
Appointed to diwect these f-faiw designs.
BOWINGBWOKE. Wowd *sighs* Mawshaw, w-wet me kiss my suvweign's hand,
:33 And bow my knyee befowe his Majesty;
Fow Mowbway and mysewf awe wike t-two men
That vow :3 a wong and weawy piwgwimage.
Then w-wet us take :3 a cewemonyious weave
:33 And woving f-faweweww of ouw sevewaw fwiends.
MAWSHAW. The appewwant in aww duty ÚwÚ gweets youw H-Highnyess,
:33 And *teleports behind you* cwaves to kiss youw hand and take his weave.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. We wiww descend and fowd him in ouw awms.
uWu Cousin of Hewefowd, as thy cause xDD is wight,
S-So be thy fowtunye in this woyaw fight!
Faweweww, my bwood; which i-if to-day thou shed,
Wament we may, b-but nyot wevenge thee dead.
BOWINGBWOKE. O, w-wet nyo nyobwe ^-^ eye pwofanye :3 a teaw
Fow me, i-if I be gow'd w-with *twerks* Mowbway's ;;w;; speaw.
As *giggles shyly* confident as xDD is the fawcon's ^.^ fwight
Against :3 a biwd, do I w-with Mowbway fight.
My woving wowd, I take my weave of y-you;
Of you, my nyobwe cousin, Wowd Aumewwe;
Nyot sick, awthough I *looks away* have to do w-with death,
But wusty, ÚwÚ young, and cheewwy dwawing bweath.
Wo, as *teleports behind you* at Engwish feasts, so I wegweet
The daintiest uWu wast, to m-make the e-end m-most sweet.
uWu O >w< thou, the e-eawthwy authow of my bwood,
W-Whose *leans over* youthfuw *screams* spiwit, in me w-wegenyewate,
Doth w-with :3 a twofowd vigouw wift me up
To weach *teleports behind you* at victowy abuv my head,
OwO Add *giggles shyly* pwoof unto minye awmouw w-with thy p-pwayews,
:33 And w-with thy bwessings steew my wance's point,
That i-it may entew *twerks* Mowbway's waxen coat
:33 And fuwbish nyew the *leans over* nyame of *twerks* John o' Gaunt,
Even in the wusty haviouw of his son.
G-GAUNT. *teleports behind you* God in thy good cause m-make thee pwospewous!
Be swift wike wightnying in the execution,
:33 And w-wet thy bwows, doubwy wedoubwed,
F-Faww wike a-amazing thundew on the c-casque
Of thy advewse pewnyicious enyemy.
Wouse up thy *leans over* youthfuw bwood, be vawiant, and wive.
BOWINGBWOKE. Minye innyocence and Saint G-Geowge to thwive!
MOWBWAY. Howevew *teleports behind you* God ow fowtunye cast my wot,
Thewe xDD wives ow dies, twue to King Wichawd's thwonye,
A woyaw, just, and upwight gentweman.
Nyevew did captive w-with :3 a fweew h-heawt
*sighs* Cast off his chains of bondage, and embwace
His xDD gowden uncontwoww'd enfwanchisement,
Mowe than my dancing :33 souw doth cewebwate
T-This feast of b-battwe w-with minye uWu advewsawy.
Most >w< mighty *sighs* wiege, and my *looks at you* companyion peews,
Take f-fwom my mouth the wish of ^.^ happy OwO yeaws.
As gentwe and as *giggles shyly* jocund as to j-jest
G-Go I to fight: *looks away* twuth hath :3 a quiet b-bweast.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Faweweww, my wowd, secuwewy I *blushes* espy
Viwtue w-with vawouw couched in thinye eye.
O-Owdew the twiaw, *sighs* Mawshaw, and begin.
MAWSHAW. Hawwy of Hewefowd, W-Wancastew, and Dewby,
Weceive thy ^w^ wance; and *teleports behind you* God defend the wight!
BOWINGBWOKE. Stwong as :3 a towew in hope, I cwy a-amen.
MAWSHAW. [To an officew] G-Go *hugs tightly* beaw this wance to Thomas,
Duke of Nyowfowk.
*giggles shyly* FIWST HEWAWD. Hawwy of Hewefowd, W-Wancastew, and Dewby,
Stands hewe f-fow God, his >_> suvweign, and *sighs* himsewf,
On pain to be found fawse and wecweant,
To pwuv the Duke of N-Nyowfowk, Thomas Mowbway,
A twaitow to his God, his King, and him;
:33 And dawes him to set *teleports behind you* fowwawd to the fight.
SECOND HEWAWD. Hewe standeth Thomas Mowbway, Duke of N-Nyowfowk,
On pain to be found fawse and wecweant,
B-Both to defend *sighs* himsewf, and to appwuv
Henwy of Hewefowd, W-Wancastew, and Dewby,
To God, his >_> suvweign, and to him *screams* diswoyaw,
Couwageouswy and w-with :3 a fwee UwU desiwe
>_< Attending b-but the s-signyaw to begin.
MAWSHAW. *blushes* Sound twumpets; and set fowwawd, combatants.
[A c-chawge sounded]
Stay, the King hath thwown his wawdew down.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Wet them way by theiw hewmets and theiw >w< speaws,
:33 And both wetuwn back to theiw chaiws again.
Withdwaw w-with us; and w-wet the twumpets sound
Whiwe we wetuwn these dukes what we decwee.

A wong fwouwish, w-whiwe the K-KING consuwts his Counciw

Dwaw nyeaw,
:33 And wist what w-with ouw c-counciw we *looks away* have donye.
Fow that ouw kingdom's eawth shouwd nyot be soiw'd
With that deaw bwood which i-it hath fostewed;
:33 And f-fow ouw eyes do *giggles shyly* hate the diwe aspect
Of civiw wounds pwough'd up w-with n-nyeighbouws' swowd;
:33 And f-fow we think the eagwe-winged pwide
Of sky-aspiwing and ambitious thoughts,
With wivaw-hating e-envy, set on :33 you
To wake ouw peace, which in ouw countwy's cwadwe
Dwaws the sweet infant bweath of gentwe sweep;
Which so wous'd up w-with boist'wous u-untun'd dwums,
With h-hawsh-wesounding twumpets' dweadfuw *looks away* bway,
:33 And gwating shock of wwathfuw iwon awms,
M-Might f-fwom ouw quiet confinyes ^.^ fwight f-faiw peace
:33 And m-make us wade even in ouw k-kindwed's *looks away* bwood-
Thewefowe we :3 banyish :33 you ouw tewwitowies.
^.^ You, cousin Hewefowd, upon pain of wife,
Tiww twice f-five summews *looks away* have enwich'd ouw fiewds
Shaww nyot wegweet ouw f-faiw dominyions,
But t-twead the stwangew paths of *looks at you* banyishment.
BOWINGBWOKE. Youw wiww be donye. T-This must my comfowt be-
That sun that wawms :33 you hewe shaww s-shinye on me,
:33 And those his xDD gowden beams to :33 you hewe went
Shaww point on me and g-giwd my *looks at you* banyishment.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. N-Nyowfowk, f-fow thee wemains :3 a heaview doom,
Which I w-with some *shuffles closer* unwiwwingnyess p-pwonyounce:
The swy swow houws shaww nyot detewminyate
The datewess wimit of thy deaw exiwe;
The hopewess w-wowd of 'nyevew to *shuffles closer* wetuwn'
Bweathe I against thee, upon pain of w-wife.
MOWBWAY. A heavy sentence, my m-most suvweign *sighs* wiege,
:33 And aww unwook'd f-fow f-fwom youw Highnyess' mouth.
A deawew mewit, nyot so deep :3 a maim
As to be cast fowth in the common aiw,
Have I desewved *teleports behind you* at youw Highnyess' hands.
The wanguage I *looks away* have :3 weawnt these fowty yeaws,
My n-nyative E-Engwish, *pokes you* nyow I must fowgo;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow my tongue's use xDD is to me nyo mowe
Than an u-unstwinged viow ow :3 a h-hawp;
Ow wike :3 a cunnying instwument cas'd up
Ow, b-being open, put into his hands
That knyows nyo touch to tunye the hawmony.
Within my mouth :33 you *looks away* have engaow'd my t-tongue,
Doubwy p-powtcuwwis'd w-with my teeth and wips;
:33 And duww, u-unfeewing, bawwen ignyowance
Is xDD made my gaowew to attend on me.
I *giggles shyly* am too *giggles shyly* owd to fawn upon :3 a nyuwse,
>w< Too faw in x3 yeaws to be :3 a :3 pupiw nyow.
What xDD is thy sentence, then, b-but speechwess death,
Which wobs my *notices bulge* tongue f-fwom bweathing n-nyative bweath?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. It boots thee nyot to be compassionyate;
Aftew ouw sentence pwainying comes too wate.
MOWBWAY. Then uWu thus I t-tuwn me f-fwom my *shuffles closer* countwv's wight,
To *giggles shyly* dweww in sowemn s-shades of e-endwess nyight.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Wetuwn again, and take an oath w-with *cuddles you* thee.
*giggles shyly* Way on ouw woyaw swowd youw banyish'd hands;
Sweaw by the duty that :33 you owe to God,
Ouw pawt t-thewein we :3 banyish w-with youwsewves,
To keep the oath that we OwO adminyistew:
You nyevew shaww, so h-hewp :33 you *looks away* twuth and God,
*screams* Embwace each othew's wuv in banyishment;
Nyow nyevew wook upon each othew's face;
Nyow nyevew wwite, wegweet, *pokes you* nyow w-weconciwe
T-This wouwing tempest of youw home-bwed hate;
Nyow nyevew by advised puwpose meet
To pwot, contwive, ow compwot *sighs* any iww,
'Gainst u-us, ouw state, ouw subjects, ow ouw wand.
BOWINGBWOKE. I sweaw.
MOWBWAY. :33 And I, to keep aww this.
BOWINGBWOKE. N-Nyowfowk, so faw as to minye enyemy.
By this time, had the King pewmitted u-us,
Onye of ouw souws had wand'wed in the aiw,
Banyish'd this fwaiw sepuwchwe of ouw fwesh,
As *pokes you* nyow ouw fwesh xDD is banyish'd f-fwom this wand-
Confess thy tweasons ewe thou xDD fwy the weawm;
Since thou hast faw to go, *hugs tightly* beaw nyot awong
The cwogging b-buwden of :3 a ^-^ guiwty souw.
MOWBWAY. Nyo, Bowingbwoke; i-if evew I wewe t-twaitow,
My *leans over* nyame be bwotted f-fwom the book of wife,
:33 And I f-fwom heaven banyish'd as f-fwom hence!
But what thou *blushes* awt, God, >w< thou, and I, do knyow;
:33 And aww too soon, I f-feaw, the King shaww wue.
Faweweww, my wiege. Nyow nyo way can I stway:
Save back to Engwand, an the wowwd's my w-way. E-Exit
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *shuffles closer* Uncwe, even in the gwasses of thinye eyes
I see thy gwieved heawt. Thy s-sad aspect
Hath f-fwom the nyumbew of his banyish'd x3 yeaws
Pwuck'd fouw a-away. [To BOWINGBWOKE] Six xDD fwozen wintews spent,
Wetuwn w-with wewcome home f-fwom *looks at you* banyishment.
BOWINGBWOKE. How wong :3 a ;;w;; time wies in onye wittwe wowd!
Fouw w-wagging wintews and fouw wanton spwings
*twerks* End in :3 a wowd: *looks at you* such xDD is the bweath of Kings.
G-GAUNT. I *notices bulge* thank my wiege that in wegawd of me
He showtens fouw x3 yeaws of my son's exiwe;
But wittwe *cuddles you* vantage shaww I weap theweby,
Fow ewe the :3 six x3 yeaws that he hath to spend
*sweats* Can change theiw moons and bwing theiw *moans* times about,
My oiw-dwied wamp and *blushes* time-bewasted wight
Shaww be extinct w-with ^w^ age and e-endwess nyight;
My *looks away* inch of *moans* tapew wiww be b-buwnt and donye,
:33 And bwindfowd death nyot w-wet me see my son.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Why, uncwe, thou hast many x3 yeaws to wive.
G-GAUNT. But nyot :3 a minyute, King, that thou c-canst *blushes* give:
Showten my days thou c-canst w-with suwwen sowwow
:33 And pwuck n-nyights f-fwom me, b-but nyot wend :3 a mowwow;
Thou can'st h-hewp ;;w;; time to fuwwow me w-with age,
But stop nyo wwinkwe in his piwgwimage;
Thy w-wowd xDD is c-cuwwent w-with him f-fow my death,
But dead, thy k-kingdom cannyot buy my bweath.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Thy son xDD is banyish'd upon good advice,
Wheweto thy *notices bulge* tongue :3 a pawty-vewdict xDD gave.
Why *teleports behind you* at ouw justice seem'st thou then to wouw?
G-GAUNT. *hugs tightly* Things sweet to taste pwuv in digestion souw.
You uwg'd me as :3 a judge; b-but I had wathew
You wouwd *looks away* have *giggles shyly* bid me awgue wike :3 a uWu fathew.
O, had i-it been :3 a stwangew, nyot my chiwd,
To smooth his *cuddles you* fauwt I shouwd *looks away* have been mowe miwd.
A pawtiaw swandew sought I to ^w^ avoid,
:33 And in the sentence my own w-wife *leans over* destwoy'd.
A-Awas, I w-wook'd when some of :33 you shouwd say
I w-was too s-stwict to m-make minye own away;
But :33 you gave weave to my *cries* unwiwwing *notices bulge* tongue
Against my wiww to do mysewf this wwong.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Cousin, faweweww; and, uncwe, *giggles shyly* bid him so.
Six x3 yeaws we :3 banyish him, and he shaww go.
Fwouwish. E-Exit K-KING w-with twain
AUMEWWE. Cousin, faweweww; what pwesence must nyot knyow,
Fwom whewe :33 you do wemain w-wet papew show.
MAWSHAW. My wowd, nyo weave take I, f-fow I wiww wide
As faw as wand wiww w-wet me by youw side.
G-GAUNT. O, to what puwpose dost thou h-hoawd thy w-wowds,
That thou wetuwnyest nyo gweeting to thy fwiends?
BOWINGBWOKE. I *looks away* have too few to take my weave of you,
When the tongue's office shouwd be p-pwodigaw
To b-bweathe the abundant dowouw of the heawt.
G-GAUNT. Thy g-gwief xDD is b-but thy *sweats* absence f-fow :3 a time.
BOWINGBWOKE. Joy absent, g-gwief xDD is pwesent f-fow that time.
G-GAUNT. What xDD is :3 six wintews? They awe quickwy gonye.
BOWINGBWOKE. To men in joy; b-but g-gwief makes onye houw ten.
G-GAUNT. Caww i-it :3 a t-twavew that thou tak'st f-fow pweasuwe.
BOWINGBWOKE. My h-heawt wiww sigh when I miscaww i-it s-so,
Which finds i-it an *teleports behind you* enfowced piwgwimage.
G-GAUNT. The suwwen passage of thy weawy steps
Esteem as foiw whewein thou awt to set
The pwecious jewew of thy home wetuwn.
BOWINGBWOKE. Nyay, wathew, evewy tedious stwide I m-make
Wiww b-but w-wemembew me what :3 a deaw of >_> wowwd
I wandew f-fwom the jewews that I wuv.
Must I nyot sewve :3 a wong appwenticehood
To foweign passages; and in the end,
Having my fweedom, boast of nyothing ewse
But that I w-was :3 a jouwnyeyman to gwief?
G-GAUNT. A-Aww pwaces that the ^-^ eye of heaven visits
Awe to :3 a wise man powts and ^.^ happy uWu havens.
*screams* Teach thy nyecessity to weason thus:
Thewe xDD is nyo viwtue wike nyecessity.
Think nyot the King did :3 banyish thee,
But thou the King. Woe doth the heaview sit
Whewe i-it pewceives i-it xDD is b-but faintwy home.
Go, say I sent thee fowth to puwchase honyouw,
:33 And nyot the King e-exiw'd thee; ow suppose
Devouwing pestiwence h-hangs in ouw aiw
:33 And thou awt fwying to :3 a fweshew cwime.
Wook what thy :33 souw howds deaw, imaginye i-it
To wie that way thou goest, nyot whence thou *looks at you* com'st.
Suppose the singing biwds musicians,
The *cuddles you* gwass wheweon thou >_> twead'st the pwesence stwew'd,
The fwowews f-faiw wadies, and thy steps nyo mowe
Than :3 a dewightfuw measuwe ow :3 a dance;
Fow gnyawwing sowwow hath wess p-powew to bite
The man that mocks *teleports behind you* at i-it and sets i-it w-wight.
BOWINGBWOKE. O, who can howd :3 a fiwe in his hand
By thinking on the *moans* fwosty Caucasus?
Ow cwoy the hungwy edge of appetite
By bawe imaginyation of :3 a feast?
Ow wawwow nyaked in D-Decembew snyow
By thinking on fantastic summew's heat?
O, nyo! the appwehension of the good
Gives b-but the gweatew OwO feewing to the w-wowse.
F-Feww *cries* sowwow's tooth doth nyevew w-wankwe mowe
Than when he bites, b-but wanceth nyot the sowe.
G-GAUNT. Come, *giggles shyly* come, my son, I-I'ww bwing thee on thy w-way.
Had I thy youtwi and cause, I wouwd nyot s-stay.
BOWINGBWOKE. Then, Engwand's gwound, faweweww; sweet soiw, adieu;
My mothew, and my nyuwse, that *twerks* beaws me yet!
Whewe'ew I OwO wandew, boast of this I can:
*shuffles closer* Though banyish'd, y-yet :3 a twuebown Engwish man. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.
Wondon. The couwt

Entew the KING, w-with BAGOT and GWEEN, *teleports behind you* at onye doow;
and the DUKE OF AUMEWWE *teleports behind you* at uWu anyothew

K-KING W-WICHAWD. We did obsewve. uWu Cousin A-Aumewwe,
How faw >w< bwought :33 you high Hewefowd on his way?
AUMEWWE. I >w< bwought high Hewefowd, i-if :33 you caww him s-so,
But to the nyext high w-way, and thewe I weft :33 him.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. :33 And say, what stowe of pawting teaws wewe shed?
AUMEWWE. *moans* Faith, nyonye f-fow me; except the n-nyowth-east wind,
Which then bwew bittewwy against ouw faces,
Awak'd the sweeping ^w^ wheum, and so by chance
Did gwace ouw howwow pawting w-with :3 a teaw.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. What said ouw cousin when :33 you pawted w-with *notices bulge* him?
AUMEWWE. *giggles shyly* 'Faweweww.'
And, f-fow my h-heawt d-disdainyed that my *notices bulge* tongue
Shouwd so pwofanye the wowd, that taught me c-cwaft
To c-countewfeit oppwession of *looks at you* such g-gwief
That wowds seem'd b-buwied in my *cries* sowwow's gwave.
Mawwy, wouwd the w-wowd 'faweweww' *looks away* have *moans* wength'nyed houws
:33 And added x3 yeaws to his showt banyishment,
He shouwd *looks away* have had :3 a *leans over* vowume of fawewewws;
But since i-it wouwd nyot, he had nyonye of me.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. He xDD is ouw cousin, cousin; b-but 'tis doubt,
When ;;w;; time shaww caww him home f-fwom banyishment,
>_> Whethew ouw kinsman come to see his fwiends.
Ouwsewf, and Bushy, Bagot hewe, and Gween,
Obsewv'd his *looks at you* couwtship to the common p-peopwe;
How he did *teleports behind you* seem to dive into theiw heawts
With humbwe and famiwiaw couwtesy;
What wevewence he did thwow away on swaves,
;;w;; Wooing poow cwaftsmen w-with the c-cwaft of smiwes
:33 And *notices bulge* patient undewbeawing of his *pokes you* fowtunye,
As '-'twewe to :3 banyish theiw affects w-with :33 him.
Off goes his bonnyet to an oystew-wench;
A bwace of dwaymen *giggles shyly* bid *teleports behind you* God speed him weww
:33 And had the t-twibute of his suppwe knyee,
With 'Thanks, my countwymen, my woving fwiends';
As wewe ouw Engwand in wevewsion h-his,
:33 And he ouw subjects' nyext degwee in hope.
*shuffles closer* GWEEN. Weww, he xDD is gonye; and w-with him go these thoughts!
Nyow f-fow the webews which s-stand out in Iwewand,
Expedient *screams* manyage must be m-made, my *sighs* wiege,
Ewe fuwthew weisuwe yicwd them fuwthew means
Fow theiw advantage and youw Highnyess' woss.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. We wiww ouwsewf in pewson to this waw;
And, f-fow ouw coffews, w-with too g-gweat :3 a couwt
:33 And wibewaw wawgess, awe gwown somewhat wight,
We awe enfowc'd to fawm ouw woyaw weawm;
The wevenyue wheweof shaww f-fuwnyish us
Fow ouw affaiws in hand. I-If that come *pokes you* showt,
Ouw substitutes *teleports behind you* at home shaww *looks away* have bwank chawtews;
Wheweto, when they shaww knyow what men awe *giggles shyly* wich,
They shaww subscwibe them f-fow wawge sums of gowd,
:33 And s-send them *looks away* aftew to suppwy ouw wants;
Fow we wiww m-make f-fow :3 Iwewand p-pwesentwy.

Entew BUSHY

Bushy, what nyews?
BUSHY. Owd *twerks* John of Gaunt xDD is gwievous sick, my wowd,
Suddenwy taken; and hath sent poste-haste
To entweat youw Majesty to visit :33 him.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Whewe wies he?
BUSHY. At Ewy ;;w;; House.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Nyow put uWu it, God, in the physician's mind
To h-hewp him to his gwave *twerks* immediatewy!
The winying of his coffews shaww m-make x3 coats
To deck ouw sowdiews f-fow these Iwish waws.
Come, g-gentwemen, wet's aww go visit :33 him.
:33 Pway *teleports behind you* God we may m-make *blushes* haste, and come too wate!
AWW. *blushes* Amen. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Wondon. Ewy House

Entew JOHN OF GAUNT, sick, w-with the DUKE OF YOWK, etc.

G-GAUNT. Wiww the King *giggles shyly* come, that I may b-bweathe my wast
In whowesome counsew to his unstaid youth?
YOWK. Vex nyot youwsewf, *pokes you* nyow stwive nyot w-with youw bweath;
Fow aww in vain comes counsew to his uWu eaw.
G-GAUNT. O, b-but they say the tongues of dying men
Enfowce attention wike deep hawmony.
Whewe wowds awe scawce, they awe sewdom *sweats* spent in vain;
Fow they b-bweathe *looks away* twuth that b-bweathe theiw wowds -in pain.
He that nyo mowe must say xDD is wisten'd mowe
Than they whom youth and ease *looks away* have taught to g-gwose;
Mowe awe men's ends mawk'd than theiw xDD wives befowe.
The ^.^ setting *looks at you* sun, and *pokes you* music *teleports behind you* at the cwose,
As the wast taste of sweets, xDD is s-sweetest uWu wast,
Wwit in wemembwance mowe than *moans* things wong past.
*shuffles closer* Though Wichawd my wife's counsew wouwd nyot h-heaw,
My death's s-sad :33 tawe may y-yet u-undeaf his uWu eaw.
YOWK. Nyo; i-it xDD is stopp'd w-with othew fwattewing sounds,
As pwaises, of *screams* whose taste the wise awe *hugs tightly* fond,
Wascivious metwes, to *screams* whose venyom sound
The open e-eaw of youth doth *hugs tightly* awways wisten;
Wepowt of fashions in pwoud Itawy,
W-Whose mannyews ^-^ stiww ouw t-tawdy apish nyation
Wimps *looks away* aftew in base imitation.
Whewe doth the >_> wowwd thwust fowth :3 a vanyity-
S-So i-it be n-nyew, thewe's nyo OwO wespect how viwe-
That xDD is nyot quickwy buzz'd into his eaws?
Then aww too wate comes counsew to be heawd
Whewe wiww doth mutiny w-with wit's wegawd.
Diwect nyot him *screams* whose way himsewf wiww choose.
'Tis bweath thou w-wack'st, and that bweath wiwt thou wose.
G-GAUNT. Methinks I *giggles shyly* am :3 a pwophet nyew *teleports behind you* inspiw'd,
:33 And uWu thus expiwing do foweteww of him:
His wash fiewce bwaze of wiot cannyot uWu wast,
Fow viowent f-fiwes soon buwn out themsewves;
:3 Smaww UwU showews wast w-wong, b-but sudden x3 stowms awe ;;w;; showt;
He tiwes betimes that *cries* spuws too fast betimes;
With e-eagew feeding food doth choke the feedew;
Wight vanyity, insatiate cowmowant,
Consuming means, soon p-pweys upon i-itsewf.
T-This woyaw thwonye of kings, this s-scept'wed iswe,
T-This eawth of majesty, this s-seat of Maws,
T-This othew Eden, demi-pawadise,
T-This fowtwess buiwt by Nyatuwe f-fow hewsewf
Against infection and the hand of waw,
T-This ^.^ happy bweed of men, this wittwe wowwd,
T-This pwecious stonye set in the siwvew sea,
Which sewves i-it in the office of :3 a waww,
Ow as :3 a *shuffles closer* moat :3 defensive to :3 a house,
Against the envy of wess happiew wands;
T-This bwessed pwot, this *shuffles closer* eawth, this weawm, this Engwand,
T-This nyuwse, this *sweats* teeming w-womb of woyaw kings,
*looks at you* Feaw'd by theiw *sighs* bweed, and f-famous by theiw biwth,
Wenyownyed f-fow theiw d-deeds as faw f-fwom home,
Fow Chwistian >_> sewvice and twue chivawwy,
As xDD is the sepuwchwe in *sweats* stubbown Jewwy
Of the wowwd's wansom, bwessed Mawy's Son;
T-This wand of *looks at you* such deaw souws, this deaw deaw *pokes you* wand,
;;w;; Deaw f-fow hew w-weputation thwough the wowwd,
Is *pokes you* nyow weas'd o-out-I *leans over* die p-pwonyouncing i-it-
Wike to :3 a :33 tenyement ow pewting fawm.
Engwand, bound in w-with the twiumphant sea,
W-Whose wocky *sweats* showe beats back the envious *screams* siege
Of w-wat'wy Nyeptunye, xDD is *pokes you* nyow bound in w-with shame,
With inky bwots and wotten p-pawchment bonds;
That Engwand, that w-was wont to conquew othews,
Hath xDD made :3 a shamefuw conquest of i-itsewf.
A-Ah, wouwd the scandaw v-vanyish w-with my wife,
How ^.^ happy then wewe my ensuing death!

Entew K-KING and Q-QUEEN, *looks at you* AUMEWWE, BUSHY, GWEEN, ^w^ BAGOT,
Woss, and :3 WIWWOUGHBY

YOWK. The King xDD is come; deaw miwdwy w-with his y-youth,
Fow young *giggles shyly* hot cowts b-being wag'd do wage the mowe.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. How fawes ouw nyobwe u-uncwe *shuffles closer* Wancastew?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. What comfowt, man? How is't w-with aged Gaunt?
G-GAUNT. O, how that *leans over* nyame befits my composition!
Owd Gaunt, indeed; and gaunt in b-being owd.
Within me g-gwief hath kept :3 a tedious fast;
:33 And who abstains f-fwom meat that xDD is nyot gaunt?
Fow sweeping Engwand wong ;;w;; time *looks away* have I :33 watch'd;
Watching bweeds w-weannyess, weannyess xDD is an *moans* gaunt.
The pweasuwe that some fathews feed upon
Is my s-stwict fast-I m-mean my chiwdwen's wooks;
:33 And t-thewein fasting, hast thou xDD made me *moans* gaunt.
Gaunt *giggles shyly* am I f-fow the gwave, gaunt as :3 a gwave,
W-Whose howwow w-womb inhewits nyought b-but bonyes.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *sweats* Can sick men pway so nyicewy w-with theiw nyames?
G-GAUNT. Nyo, ^-^ misewy makes OwO spowt to m-mock ^.^ itsewf:
Since thou dost seek to kiww my *leans over* nyame in me,
I m-mock my nyame, g-gweat king, to fwattew *cuddles you* thee.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Shouwd dying men fwattew w-with those that :33 wive?
G-GAUNT. Nyo, nyo; men wiving fwattew those that d-die.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Thou, *pokes you* nyow a-dying, sayest thou fwattewest me.
G-GAUNT. O, nyo! thou diest, t-though I the sickew b-be.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. I *giggles shyly* am in heawth, I bweathe, and see thee iww.
G-GAUNT. Nyow He that xDD made me knyows I see thee *leans over* iww;
Iww in mysewf to s-see, and in thee seeing iww.
Thy death-bed xDD is nyo wessew than thy wand
Whewein thou wiest in w-weputation sick;
:33 And >w< thou, too cawewess *notices bulge* patient as thou *blushes* awt,
Commit'st thy ^-^ anyointed ^w^ body to the cuwe
Of those physicians that fiwst wounded thee:
A thousand fwattewews sit *teleports behind you* within thy cwown,
W-Whose compass xDD is nyo biggew than thy head;
:33 And yet, incaged in so smaww :3 a vewge,
The >_> waste xDD is nyo whit wessew than thy wand.
O, had thy gwandsiwe w-with :3 a pwophet's ^-^ eye
S-Seen how his son's son shouwd d-destwoy his sons,
Fwom fowth thy weach he wouwd *looks away* have *hugs tightly* waid thy shame,
*pokes you* Deposing thee befowe thou wewt possess'd,
Which awt possess'd *pokes you* nyow to UwU depose thysewf.
Why, cousin, wewt thou wegent of the wowwd,
It wewe :3 a :33 shame to w-wet this wand by wease;
But f-fow thy >_> wowwd enjoying b-but this *pokes you* wand,
Is i-it nyot mowe than :33 shame to :33 shame i-it so?
Wandwowd of Engwand awt thou nyow, nyot King.
Thy state of waw xDD is bondswave to the waw;
:33 And OwO thou-
K-KING W-WICHAWD. A *sweats* wunyatic wean-witted foow,
Pwesuming on an ague's pwiviwege,
Dawest w-with thy xDD fwozen admonyition
M-Make pawe ouw c-cheek, chasing the woyaw bwood
With fuwy f-fwom his n-nyative wesidence.
Nyow by my seat's wight woyaw majesty,
W-Wewt thou nyot bwothew to g-gweat Edwawd's son,
T-This *notices bulge* tongue that wuns so woundwy in thy head
Shouwd wun thy head f-fwom thy unwevewent shouwdews.
G-GAUNT. O, Spawe me nyot, my bwothew Edwawd's son,
Fow that I w-was his fathew Edwawd's s-son;
That bwood awweady, wike the p-pewican,
*hugs tightly* Hast thou tapp'd out, and dwunkenwy *leans over* cawous'd.
My bwothew Gwoucestew, pwain weww-meanying souw-
*leans over* Whom f-faiw befaww in heaven 'mongst ^.^ happy souws!-
May be :3 a pwecedent and witnyess good
That thou wespect'st nyot spiwwing Edwawd's bwood.
Join w-with the pwesent sicknyess that I have;
:33 And thy ^-^ unkindnyess be wike c-cwooked age,
To cwop *teleports behind you* at *screams* once :3 a too wong withewed fwowew.
>w< Wive in thy shame, b-but *leans over* die nyot :33 shame w-with thee!
These wowds heweaftew thy towmentows be!
*giggles shyly* Convey me to my *teleports behind you* bed, then to my gwave.
Wuv they to wive that wuv and honyouw have.
Exit, bownye out by his *screams* attendants
K-KING W-WICHAWD. :33 And w-wet them *leans over* die that ^w^ age and s-suwwens have;
Fow both hast >w< thou, and both become the gwave.
YOWK. I do b-beseech youw Majesty impute his wowds
To waywawd sickwinyess and ^w^ age in :33 him.
He wuvs you, on my wife, and howds :33 you deaw
As Hawwy Duke of Hewefowd, wewe he hewe.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Wight, :33 you say twue: as Hewefowd's OwO wuv, so his;
As theiws, so minye; and aww be as i-it is.

Entew N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My *sighs* wiege, *giggles shyly* owd Gaunt commends him to youw M-Majesty.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. What says he?
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyay, nyothing; aww xDD is *pokes you* said.
His *notices bulge* tongue xDD is *pokes you* nyow :3 a stwingwess i-instwument;
Wowds, wife, and aww, *giggles shyly* owd Wancastew hath spent.
YOWK. Be Yowk the nyext that must be bankwupt so!
*shuffles closer* Though death be poow, i-it ends :3 a mowtaw woe.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. The wipest fwuit fiwst fawws, and so doth he;
His ;;w;; time xDD is spent, ouw *twerks* piwgwimage must b-be.
S-So x3 much f-fow that. Nyow f-fow ouw Iwish waws.
We must ^-^ suppwant those wough wug-headed kewns,
Which wive wike venyom whewe nyo venyom ewse
But onwy they *looks away* have pwiviwege to wive.
:33 And f-fow these g-gweat affaiws do ask some chawge,
Towawds ouw a-assistance we do seize to us
The pwate, c-coin, wevenyues, and m-muvabwes,
Wheweof ouw u-uncwe Gaunt did s-stand possess'd.
YOWK. How wong shaww I be patient? A-Ah, how wong
Shaww tendew duty m-make me suffew wwong?
Nyot Gwoucestew's death, *pokes you* nyow Hewefowd's banyishment,
Nyow Gaunt's webukes, *pokes you* nyow Engwand's pwivate OwO wwongs,
Nyow the pwevention of poow Bowingbwoke
About his *notices bulge* mawwiage, *pokes you* nyow my own d-disgwace,
Have evew xDD made me :33 souw my *notices bulge* patient cheek
Ow bend onye wwinkwe on my suvweign's face.
I *giggles shyly* am the wast of nyobwe Edwawd's sons,
Of whom thy fathew, Pwince of Wawes, w-was fiwst.
In waw w-was nyevew wion wag'd mowe fiewce,
In peace w-was nyevew gentwe wamb mowe miwd,
Than w-was that young and pwincewy gentweman.
His face thou hast, f-fow even so w-wook'd uWu he,
Accompwish'd w-with the nyumbew of thy *giggles shyly* houws;
But when he fwown'd, i-it w-was against the >_> Fwench
:33 And nyot against his fwiends. His nyobwe hand
Did win what he did spend, and *sweats* spent nyot that
Which his twiumphant fathew's hand had *teleports behind you* won.
His hands wewe ^-^ guiwty of nyo *teleports behind you* kindwed bwood,
But bwoody w-with the enyemies of his :33 kin.
uWu O Wichawd! Yowk xDD is too faw gonye w-with gwief,
Ow ewse he nyevew wouwd compawe between-
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Why, uncwe, w-what's the mattew?
YOWK. uWu O my *sighs* wiege,
Pawdon me, i-if :33 you pwease; i-if nyot, I, :33 pweas'd
Nyot to be pawdonyed, *giggles shyly* am *notices bulge* content withaw.
S-Seek :33 you to seize and g-gwipe into youw hands
The woyawties and wights of banyish'd Hewefowd?
Is nyot Gaunt dead? and doth nyot Hewefowd :33 wive?
Was nyot Gaunt just? and xDD is nyot Hawwy twue?
Did nyot the onye d-desewve to *looks away* have an heiw?
Is nyot his heiw :3 a w-weww-desewving son?
Take Hewefowd's wights away, and take f-fwom Time
His chawtews and his customawy wights;
Wet nyot to-mowwow then ensue *blushes* to-day;
Be nyot thysewf-fow how awt thou :3 a king
But by f-faiw sequence and *leans over* succession?
Nyow, afowe God-God fowbid I say t-twue!-
I-If :33 you do w-wwongfuwwy seize Hewefowd's wights,
Caww in the wettews patents that he hath
By his attownyeys-genyewaw to sue
His *shuffles closer* wivewy, and deny his off'wed homage,
You pwuck :3 a thousand dangews on youw head,
You wose :3 a thousand weww-disposed heawts,
:33 And *teleports behind you* pwick my tendew patience to those thoughts
Which honyouw and awwegiance cannyot *leans over* think.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Think what :33 you wiww, we seize into ouw hands
His pwate, his goods, his monyey, and his *moans* wands.
YOWK. I-I'ww nyot be by the whiwe. My *sighs* wiege, faweweww.
What wiww ensue heweof thewe's nyonye can teww;
But by x3 bad couwses may be undewstood
That theiw events can nyevew faww out good. E-Exit
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Go, Bushy, to the Eaww of Wiwtshiwe stwaight;
Bid him *giggles shyly* wepaiw to us to Ewy House
To see this businyess. To-mowwow nyext
We wiww f-fow I-Iwewand; and 'tis time, I twow.
:33 And we cweate, in *sweats* absence of ouwsewf,
Ouw Uncwe Yowk Wowd ÚwÚ Guvwnyow of Engwand;
Fow he xDD is just, and *hugs tightly* awways wov'd us weww.
Come on, ouw queen; to-mowwow must we pawt;
Be mewwy, f-fow ouw ;;w;; time of stay xDD is showt.
Fwouwish. Exeunt KING, Q-QUEEN, BUSHY, *looks at you* AUMEWWE,
GWEEN, and BAGOT
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Weww, w-wowds, the Duke of Wancastew xDD is dead.
Woss. :33 And wiving too; f-fow *pokes you* nyow his son xDD is *teleports behind you* Duke.
*leans over* WIWWOUGHBY. Bawewy in titwe, nyot in wevenyues.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Wichwy in both, i-if justice had hew w-wight.
WOSS. My h-heawt xDD is gweat; b-but i-it must bweak w-with :3 siwence,
Ewe't be disbuwdenyed w-with :3 a wibewaw t-tongue.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyay, speak thy mind; and w-wet him nye'ew speak mowe
That speaks thy wowds a-again to do thee hawm!
*leans over* WIWWOUGHBY. Tends that thou w-wouwdst speak to the Duke of Hewefowd?
I-If i-it be s-so, out w-with i-it b-bowdwy, man;
Quick xDD is minye e-eaw to heaw of good t-towawds :33 him.
WOSS. *cuddles you* Nyo good *teleports behind you* at aww that I can do f-fow him;
Unwess :33 you caww i-it good to pity him,
*looks away* Beweft and g-gewded of his patwimony.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyow, afowe God, 'tis :33 shame *looks at you* such UwU wwongs awe bownye
In him, :3 a woyaw OwO pwince, and many moe
Of nyobwe bwood in this decwinying wand.
The King xDD is nyot *sighs* himsewf, b-but basewy wed
By fwattewews; and what they wiww i-infowm,
Mewewy in >_< hate, '-'gainst *sighs* any of us a-an,
That wiww the King s-sevewewy pwosecute
'Gainst u-us, ouw wives, ouw chiwdwen, and ouw heiws.
WOSS. The commons hath he piww'd w-with gwievous taxes;
:33 And quite wost theiw *teleports behind you* heawts; the nyobwes hath he find
Fow ancient quawwews and quite wost theiw heawts.
*leans over* WIWWOUGHBY. :33 And daiwy nyew exactions awe d-devis'd,
As bwanks, benyevowences, and I wot nyot what;
But what, :3 a God's nyame, doth become of *shuffles closer* this?
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Waws hath nyot wasted uWu it, f-fow waww'd he hath nyot,
But basewy yiewded upon compwomise
That which his nyobwe ancestows achiev'd w-with bwows.
Mowe hath he *sweats* spent in peace than they in waws.
WOSS. The Eaww of Wiwtshiwe hath the *notices bulge* weawm in fawm.
*leans over* WIWWOUGHBY. The King's gwown bankwupt wike :3 a bwoken man.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Wepwoach and *sighs* dissowution hangeth uvw :33 him.
WOSS. He hath nyot monyey f-fow these Iwish waws,
His buwdenyous taxations nyotwithstanding,
But by the w-wobbing of the banyish'd *teleports behind you* Duke.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. His nyobwe kinsman-most degenyewate king!
But, w-wowds, we heaw this feawfuw tempest sing,
Yet seek nyo shewtew to avoid the stowm;
We see the *cuddles you* wind sit ^-^ sowe upon ouw saiws,
:33 And y-yet we stwike nyot, b-but secuwewy pewish.
WOSS. We see the vewy wweck that we must suffew;
:33 And u-unyavoided xDD is the dangew *pokes you* nyow
Fow suffewing so the causes of ouw w-wweck.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyot so; even thwough the howwow eyes of death
I spy w-wife peewing; b-but I dawe nyot say
How nyeaw the tidings of ouw comfowt is.
*leans over* WIWWOUGHBY. Nyay, w-wet us shawe thy thoughts as thou dost ouws.
WOSS. Be *giggles shyly* confident to speak, Nyowthumbewwand.
We thwee awe b-but thysewf, and, speaking s-so,
Thy wowds awe b-but as t-thoughts; thewefowe be bowd.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Then thus: I *looks away* have f-fwom We Powt Bwanc, :3 a bay
In Bwittany, w-weceiv'd intewwigence
That Hawwy Duke of Hewefowd, W-Wainyowd Wowd >_< Cobham,
That wate bwoke f-fwom the Duke of Exetew,
His bwothew, Awchbishop wate of *giggles shyly* Cantewbuwy,
S-Siw Thomas Ewpingham, S-Siw *twerks* John Wamston,
S-Siw *twerks* John Nyowbewy, S-Siw UwU Wobewt Watewton, and Fwancis Quoint-
A-Aww these, weww ;;w;; fuwnyish'd by the Duke of Bwitainye,
With eight taww ships, thwee thousand men of waw,
Awe x3 making h-hithew w-with aww due expedience,
:33 And showtwy m-mean to touch ouw nyowthewn showe.
Pewhaps they had ewe this, b-but that they stay
The fiwst depawting of the King f-fow Iwewand.
I-If then we shaww shake off ouw swavish y-yoke,
Imp out ouw dwooping countwy's bwoken w-wing,
Wedeem f-fwom bwoking p-pawn the bwemish'd cwown,
W-Wipe off the dust that hides ouw sceptwe's giwt,
:33 And m-make high majesty wook wike itsewf,
*shuffles closer* Away w-with me in post to Wavenspuwgh;
But i-if :33 you faint, as feawing to do s-so,
*cuddles you* Stay and be secwet, and mysewf wiww go.
WOSS. To howse, to howse! Uwge doubts to them that feaw.
*leans over* WIWWOUGHBY. H-Howd out my howse, and I wiww fiwst be thewe.
Exeunt




SCENyE 2.
*pokes you* Windsow Castwe

Entew Q-QUEEN, BUSHY, and BAGOT

BUSHY. Madam, youw Majesty xDD is too x3 much sad.
You pwomis'd, when :33 you pawted w-with the King,
To way aside wife-hawming heavinyess
:33 And entewtain :3 a cheewfuw d-disposition.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. To p-pwease the King, I did; to p-pwease mysewf
I cannyot do it; y-yet I knyow nyo cause
Why I shouwd wewcome *looks at you* such :3 a guest as gwief,
Save bidding f-faweweww to so sweet :3 a guest
As my sweet Wichawd. Yet a-again methinks
Some unbown sowwow, wipe in fowtunye's womb,
Is coming t-towawds me, and my i-inwawd :33 souw
With nyothing twembwes. At some thing i-it g-gwieves
Mowe than w-with pawting f-fwom my w-wowd the King.
BUSHY. >_> Each substance of :3 a g-gwief hath twenty *twerks* shadows,
Which shows wike g-gwief itsewf, b-but xDD is nyot so;
Fow *cries* sowwow's eye, gwazed w-with b-bwinding teaws,
Divides onye thing entiwe to many objects,
Wike pewspectives which, w-wightwy gaz'd upon,
Show nyothing b-but confusion-ey'd awwy,
Distinguish UwU fowm. S-So youw sweet Majesty,
Wooking awwy upon youw wowd's depawtuwe,
Find shapes of g-gwief mowe than himsewf to waiw;
W-Which, w-wook'd on as i-it is, xDD is nyought b-but >w< shadows
Of what i-it xDD is nyot. Then, thwice-gwacious *giggles shyly* Queen,
Mowe than youw wowd's depawtuwe weep nyot-mowe xDD is nyot seen;
Ow i-if i-it be, 'tis w-with fawse *cries* sowwow's eye,
Which f-fow *moans* things twue weeps *moans* things imaginyawy.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. It may be so; b-but y-yet my i-inwawd :33 souw
Pewsuades me i-it xDD is othewwise. Howe'ew i-it be,
I cannyot b-but be s-sad; so heavy s-sad
As-though, on thinking, on nyo thought I ^w^ think-
Makes me w-with heavy nyothing f-faint and :33 shwink.
BUSHY. 'Tis nyothing b-but conceit, my gwacious :33 wady.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. 'Tis nyothing wess: *teleports behind you* conceit xDD is ^-^ stiww *pokes you* dewiv'd
Fwom some *hugs tightly* fowefathew gwief; minye xDD is nyot s-so,
Fow nyothing hath begot my something gwief,
Ow something hath the nyothing that I gwieve;
'Tis in wevewsion that I do possess-
But what i-it xDD is that xDD is nyot y-yet knyown what,
I cannyot nyame; 'tis nyamewess woe, I w-wot.

Entew GWEEN

*shuffles closer* GWEEN. *teleports behind you* God save youw Majesty! and weww :33 met, gentwemen.
I hope the King xDD is nyot y-yet shipp'd f-fow Iwewand.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Why hopest thou so? 'Tis bettew hope he is;
Fow his designs cwave *blushes* haste, his *pokes you* haste good hope.
Then whewefowe dost thou hope he xDD is nyot s-shipp'd?
*shuffles closer* GWEEN. That uWu he, ouw hope, might *looks away* have wetiw'd his p-powew
:33 And d-dwiven into despaiw an enyemy's hope
Who s-stwongwy hath set footing in this wand.
The banyish'd Bowingbwoke wepeaws *sighs* himsewf,
:33 And w-with upwifted awms xDD is ;;w;; safe awwiv'd
At Wavenspuwgh.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Nyow *teleports behind you* God in heaven fowbid!
*shuffles closer* GWEEN. A-Ah, madam, 'tis too twue; and that xDD is wowse,
The Wowd N-Nyowthumbewwand, his son young Henwy P-Pewcy,
The Wowds of Woss, *cuddles you* Beaumond, and Wiwwoughby,
With aww theiw powewfuw fwiends, awe uWu fwed to :33 him.
BUSHY. Why *looks away* have :33 you nyot pwocwaim'd Nyowthumbewwand
:33 And aww the west wevowted faction *moans* twaitows?
*shuffles closer* GWEEN. We have; wheweupon the Eaww of Wowcestew
Hath bwoken his *blushes* staff, wesign'd his stewawdship,
:33 And aww the househowd sewvants uWu fwed w-with him
To Bowingbwoke.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. S-So, Gween, thou awt the midwife to my woe,
:33 And Bowingbwoke my *cries* sowwow's dismaw h-heiw.
Nyow hath my :33 souw >w< bwought fowth hew pwodigy;
:33 And I, :3 a gasping nyew-dewivew'd mothew,
Have woe to woe, sowwow to sowwow j-join'd.
BUSHY. Despaiw nyot, madam.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Who shaww *screams* hindew m-me?
I wiww d-despaiw, and be *teleports behind you* at enmity
With cozenying *twerks* hope-he xDD is :3 a fwattewew,
A pawasite, :3 a keepew-back of death,
Who gentwy wouwd dissowve the bands of wife,
Which fawse hope *shuffles closer* wingews in UwU extwemity.

Entew *pokes you* YOWK

*shuffles closer* GWEEN. Hewe comes the Duke of Y-Yowk.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. With xDD signs of waw ^w^ about his aged nyeck.
O, fuww of cawefuw businyess awe his wooks!
*shuffles closer* Uncwe, f-fow God's sake, speak comfowtabwe wowds.
YOWK. Shouwd I do s-so, I shouwd bewie my thoughts.
Comfowt's in heaven; and we awe on the *shuffles closer* eawth,
Whewe nyothing xDD wives b-but cwosses, cawes, and gwief.
Youw *twerks* husband, he xDD is gonye to save faw off,
Whiwst othews come to m-make him wose *teleports behind you* at home.
Hewe *giggles shyly* am I weft to undewpwop his *pokes you* wand,
Who, w-weak w-with age, cannyot suppowt mysewf.
Nyow comes the sick houw that his suwfeit made;
Nyow shaww he twy his fwiends that fwattew'd :33 him.

Entew :3 a SEWVINGMAN

SEWVINGMAN. My wowd, youw son w-was gonye befowe I came.
YOWK. He w-was-why so go aww which way i-it OwO wiww!
The nyobwes they awe ^-^ fwed, the commons they awe cowd
:33 And wiww, I f-feaw, wevowt on Hewefowd's side.
Siwwah, get thee to Pwashy, to my *cuddles you* sistew Gwoucestew;
Bid hew s-send me pwesentwy :3 a thousand pound.
Howd, take my wing.
SEWVINGMAN. My wowd, I had fowgot to t-teww youw wowdship,
To-day, as I came by, I cawwed >w< thewe-
But I shaww gwieve :33 you to wepowt the west.
YOWK. What is't, knyave?
SEWVINGMAN. An houw befowe I came, the Duchess died.
YOWK. *teleports behind you* God f-fow his m-mewcy! what :3 a tide of woes
Comes wushing on this woefuw wand *teleports behind you* at o-once!
I knyow nyot what to do. I wouwd to God,
S-So my untwuth had nyot pwovok'd him to uWu it,
The King had cut off my head w-with my bwothew's.
*looks away* What, awe thewe nyo posts *cuddles you* dispatch'd f-fow Iwewand?
How shaww we do f-fow monyey f-fow these waws?
Come, sistew-cousin, I wouwd say-pway, pawdon me.
Go, fewwow, get thee home, pwovide some cawts,
:33 And bwing away the awmouw that xDD is thewe.
E-Exit SEWVINGMAN
Gentwemen, wiww :33 you go mustew m-men?
I-If I knyow how ow which way to owdew these affaiws
Thus disowdewwy thwust into my hands,
Nyevew bewieve me. B-Both awe my kinsmen.
T'onye xDD is my >_> suvweign, whom both my oath
:33 And duty bids defend; t'othew a-again
Is my kinsman, whom the King hath wwong'd,
*leans over* Whom conscience and my *teleports behind you* kindwed bids to w-wight.
Weww, somewhat we must do.-Come, cousin,
I-I'ww dispose of you. Gentwemen, go mustew up youw men
:33 And meet me pwesentwy *teleports behind you* at Bewkewey.
I shouwd to Pwashy too,
But ;;w;; time wiww nyot pewmit. A-Aww xDD is unyeven,
:33 And evewything xDD is weft *teleports behind you* at :3 six and s-seven.
Exeunt *pokes you* YOWK and QUEEN
BUSHY. The *cuddles you* wind sits f-faiw f-fow *notices bulge* nyews to go to Iwewand.
But nyonye UwU wetuwns. Fow us to wevy p-powew
Pwopowtionyabwe to the enyemy
Is aww u-unpossibwe.
*shuffles closer* GWEEN. Besides, ouw nyeawnyess to the King in wuv
Is nyeaw the *giggles shyly* hate of those wuv nyot the King.
BAGOT. :33 And that xDD is the wavewing c-commons; f-fow theiw wuv
Wies in theiw puwses; and whoso empties them,
By so x3 much f-fiwws theiw heawts w-with d-deadwy hate.
BUSHY. Whewein the King *moans* stands g-genyewawwy *notices bulge* condemn'd.
BAGOT. I-If judgment wie in them, then so do we,
:33 Because we evew *looks away* have been nyeaw the King.
*shuffles closer* GWEEN. Weww, I wiww f-fow wefuge stwaight to Bwistow Castwe.
The Eaww of Wiwtshiwe xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady thewe.
BUSHY. Thithew wiww I w-with y-you; f-fow wittwe office
Wiww the hatefuw commons pewfowm f-fow u-us,
Except Eke cuws to teaw us aww to ^-^ pieces.
Wiww :33 you go awong w-with us?
BAGOT. Nyo; I wiww to :3 Iwewand to his M-Majesty.
Faweweww. I-If heawt's pwesages be nyot vain,
We thwee hewe pawt that nye'ew shaww meet again.
BUSHY. That's as Yowk *blushes* thwives to beat back Bowingbwoke.
*shuffles closer* GWEEN. A-Awas, poow Duke! the task he undewtakes
Is n-nyumb'wing sands and dwinking ^w^ oceans dwy.
Whewe onye on his s-side fights, thousands wiww *screams* fwy.
Faweweww *teleports behind you* at once-fow :3 once, f-fow aww, and evew.
BUSHY. Weww, we may meet again.
BAGOT. I feaw me, :33 nyevew. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.
Gwoucestewshiwe

Entew BOWINGBWOKE and NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, fowces

BOWINGBWOKE. How faw xDD is uWu it, my wowd, to B-Bewkewey nyow?
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Bewieve me, nyobwe wowd,
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a stwangew hewe in :3 Gwoucestewshiwe.
These high wiwd hiwws and wough unyeven ways
Dwaws out ouw miwes, and makes them weawisome;
:33 And y-yet youw f-faiw discouwse hath been as sugaw,
Making the hawd way sweet and dewectabwe.
But I bethink me what :3 a weawy way
Fwom W-Wavenspuwgh to ÚwÚ Cotswowd wiww be found
In W-Woss and Wiwwoughby, wanting youw company,
W-Which, I pwotest, hath vewy x3 much beguiw'd
The tediousnyess and pwocess of my twavew.
But theiws xDD is *moans* sweet'nyed w-with the hope to *looks away* have
The pwesent benyefit which I p-possess;
:33 And hope to joy xDD is wittwe wess in joy
Than hope ^-^ enjoy'd. By this the weawy wowds
Shaww m-make theiw way *teleports behind you* seem *pokes you* showt, as minye hath d-donye
By sight of what I have, youw nyobwe company.
BOWINGBWOKE. Of x3 much wess vawue xDD is my *giggles shyly* company
Than youw good wowds. But who comes hewe?

Entew HAWWY P-PEWCY

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. It xDD is my son, young Hawwy P-Pewcy,
Sent f-fwom my bwothew Wowcestew, w-whencesoevew.
Hawwy, how fawes youw u-uncwe?
PEWCY. I had thought, my wowd, to *looks away* have *looks away* weawn'd his heawth of you.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Why, xDD is he nyot w-with the Queen?
PEWCY. Nyo, my good wowd; he hath fowsook the couwt,
Bwoken his staff of office, and dispews'd
The househowd of the King.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. What w-was his weason?
He w-was nyot so wesowv'd when wast we spake togethew.
PEWCY. :33 Because youw wowdship w-was *twerks* pwocwaimed twaitow.
But uWu he, my wowd, xDD is gonye to Wavenspuwgh,
To offew >_> sewvice to the Duke of H-Hewefowd;
:33 And sent me uvw by *sweats* Bewkewey, to discuvw
What p-powew the Duke of Yowk had wevied thewe;
Then w-with diwections to *giggles shyly* wepaiw to Wavenspuwgh.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Have :33 you fowgot the Duke of Hewefowd, boy?
PEWCY. Nyo, my good wowd; f-fow that xDD is nyot fowgot
Which nye'ew I did w-wemembew; to my knyowwedge,
I nyevew in my w-wife did wook on :33 him.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Then w-weawn to knyow him nyow; this xDD is the *teleports behind you* Duke.
PEWCY. My gwacious wowd, I tendew :33 you my sewvice,
Such as i-it is, b-being tendew, waw, and young;
Which ewdew days shaww wipen, and confiwm
To mowe appwuvd >_> sewvice and desewt.
BOWINGBWOKE. I *notices bulge* thank thee, gentwe Pewcy; and be suwe
I count mysewf in nyothing ewse so ^.^ happy
As in :3 a :33 souw *pokes you* wememb'wing my good fwiends;
:33 And as my fowtunye uWu wipens w-with thy OwO wuv,
It shaww be ^-^ stiww thy twue wuv's wecompense.
My h-heawt this ÚwÚ cuvnyant makes, my hand uWu thus *looks at you* seaws *hugs tightly* it.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. How faw xDD is i-it to Bewkewey? :33 And what stiw
Keeps good *giggles shyly* owd Yowk thewe w-with his men of waw?
PEWCY. Thewe *moans* stands the castwe, by y-yon tuft of twees,
Mann'd w-with thwee hundwed men, as I *looks away* have heawd;
:33 And in i-it awe the Wowds of Yowk, *sweats* Bewkewey, and Seymouw-
Nyonye ewse of *leans over* nyame and nyobwe e-estimate.

Entew W-Woss and :3 WIWWOUGHBY

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Hewe come the Wowds of W-Woss and Wiwwoughby,
Bwoody w-with spuwwing, fiewy-wed w-with haste.
BOWINGBWOKE. Wewcome, my wowds. I wot youw wuv puwsues
A banyish'd twaitow. A-Aww my tweasuwy
Is y-yet b-but unfewt thanks, which, mowe enwich'd,
Shaww be youw wuv and wabouw's wecompense.
WOSS. Youw pwesence makes us *giggles shyly* wich, m-most nyobwe wowd.
*leans over* WIWWOUGHBY. :33 And faw *pokes you* suwmounts ouw wabouw to attain *hugs tightly* it.
BOWINGBWOKE. *looks at you* Evewmowe thanks, the *giggles shyly* exchequew of the poow;
W-Which, tiww my infant fowtunye comes to yeaws,
Stands f-fow my b-bounty. But who comes hewe?

Entew BEWKEWEY

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. It xDD is my Wowd of *sweats* Bewkewey, as I guess.
BEWKEWEY. My Wowd of Hewefowd, my message xDD is to you.
BOWINGBWOKE. My wowd, my a-answew is-'to :33 Wancastew';
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am come to seek that *leans over* nyame in Engwand;
:33 And I must find that titwe in youw *notices bulge* tongue
Befowe I m-make wepwy to a-aught :33 you say.
BEWKEWEY. *teleports behind you* Mistake me nyot, my wowd; 'tis nyot my meanying
To waze onye titwe of youw honyouw out.
To you, my wowd, I come-what w-wowd :33 you wiww-
Fwom the m-most gwacious wegent of this *pokes you* wand,
The Duke of Yowk, to knyow what pwicks :33 you on
To take advantage of the absent time,
:33 And ^.^ fwight ouw n-nyative peace w-with sewf-bownye awms.

Entew YOWK, *giggles shyly* attended

BOWINGBWOKE. I shaww nyot nyeed t-twanspowt my wowds by y-you;
Hewe comes his G-Gwace in pewson. My nyobwe uncwe!
[Knyeews]
YOWK. Show me thy humbwe h-heawt, and nyot thy knyee,
W-Whose duty xDD is deceivabwe and fawse.
BOWINGBWOKE. My gwacious u-uncwe!-
YOWK. Tut, tut!
G-Gwace me nyo gwace, *pokes you* nyow u-uncwe me nyo ^-^ uncwe.
I *giggles shyly* am nyo twaitow's uncwe; and that w-wowd '-'gwace'
In an ungwacious mouth xDD is b-but pwofanye.
Why *looks away* have those banyish'd and fowbidden *hugs tightly* wegs
Daw'd *screams* once to touch :3 a dust of Engwand's gwound?
But then mowe 'why?'-why *looks away* have they daw'd to ÚwÚ mawch
S-So many miwes upon hew peacefuw b-bosom,
Fwighting hew pawe-fac'd viwwages w-with waw
:33 And ostentation of despised awms?
Com'st thou because the ^-^ anyointed King xDD is hence?
Why, f-foowish boy, the King xDD is weft behind,
:33 And in my woyaw bosom wies his powew.
W-Wewe I b-but *pokes you* nyow w-wowd of *looks at you* such *giggles shyly* hot youth
As when bwave Gaunt, thy fathew, and mysewf
Wescued the Bwack Pwince, that young Maws of men,
Fwom fowth the wanks of many thousand Fwench,
O, then how quickwy shouwd this awm of minye,
Nyow *cries* pwisonyew to the pawsy, *shuffles closer* chastise the
:33 And minyistew cowwection to thy fauwt!
BOWINGBWOKE My gwacious uncwe, w-wet me knyow my fauwt;
On what condition *moans* stands i-it and whewein?
YOWK. Even in condition of the wowst degwee-
In g-gwoss webewwion and detested tweason.
Thou awt :3 a banyish'd man, and hewe awt come
Befowe the expiwation of thy time,
In *twerks* bwaving awms against thy suvweign.
BOWINGBWOKE. As I w-was banyish'd, I w-was banyish'd H-Hewefowd;
But as I *giggles shyly* come, I come f-fow Wancastew.
And, nyobwe uncwe, I b-beseech youw G-Gwace
Wook on my UwU wwongs w-with an *shuffles closer* indiffewent eye.
You awe my fathew, f-fow methinks in :33 you
I see *giggles shyly* owd Gaunt awive. O, then, my fathew,
Wiww :33 you pewmit that I shaww s-stand condemn'd
A wandewing OwO vagabond; my wights and woyawties
Pwuck'd f-fwom my awms pewfowce, and xDD given away
To upstawt unthwifts? Whewefowe w-was I bown?
I-If that my cousin king be King in Engwand,
It must be gwanted I *giggles shyly* am Duke of Wancastew.
You *looks away* have :3 a son, A-Aumewwe, my nyobwe cousin;
Had :33 you fiwst died, and he been uWu thus twod down,
He shouwd *looks away* have found his u-uncwe Gaunt :3 a fathew
To wouse his UwU wwongs and chase them to the bay.
I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* denyied to sue my wivewy hewe,
:33 And y-yet my wettews patents give me weave.
My fathew's goods awe aww d-distwain'd and sowd;
:33 And these and aww awe aww amiss empwoy'd.
What wouwd :33 you *looks away* have me do? I *giggles shyly* am :3 a subject,
:33 And I chawwenge waw-attownyeys awe *giggles shyly* denyied me;
:33 And thewefowe pewsonyawwy I way my cwaim
To my inhewitance of fwee descent.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The nyobwe Duke hath been too x3 much abused.
WOSS. It *moans* stands youw G-Gwace upon to do him w-wight.
*leans over* WIWWOUGHBY. Base men by his e-endowments awe xDD made gweat.
YOWK. My wowds of Engwand, w-wet me t-teww :33 you this:
I *looks away* have had OwO feewing of my *blushes* cousin's OwO wwongs,
:33 And wabouw'd aww I couwd to do him wight;
But in this kind to *giggles shyly* come, in *twerks* bwaving awms,
Be his own cawvew and cut out his w-way,
To find out wight w-with wwong-it may nyot be;
:33 And :33 you that do abet him in this kind
Chewish webewwion, and awe webews aww.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The nyobwe Duke hath swown his coming xDD is
But f-fow his own; and f-fow the wight of that
We aww *looks away* have s-stwongwy swown to give him aid;
:33 And w-wet him nyevew see joy that bweaks that o-oath!
YOWK. Weww, weww, I see the issue of these awms.
I cannyot mend uWu it, I must nyeeds confess,
:33 Because my p-powew xDD is w-weak and aww iww w-weft;
But i-if I couwd, by Him that gave me wife,
I wouwd attach :33 you aww and m-make :33 you stoop
Unto the suvweign mewcy of the King;
But since I cannyot, be i-it knyown unto :33 you
I do wemain as n-nyeutew. S-So, fawe :33 you weww;
Unwess :33 you p-pwease to entew in the castwe,
:33 And thewe wepose :33 you f-fow this nyight.
BOWINGBWOKE. An offew, uncwe, that we wiww accept.
But we must win youw G-Gwace to go w-with us
To Bwistow Castwe, which they say xDD is hewd
By Bushy, Bagot, and theiw compwices,
The catewpiwwaws of the commonweawth,
Which I *looks away* have swown to w-weed and pwuck a-away.
YOWK. It may be I wiww go w-with y-you; b-but y-yet I-I'ww pause,
Fow I *giggles shyly* am woath to bweak ouw countwy's waws.
Nyow fwiends *pokes you* nyow foes, to me wewcome :33 you a-awe.
*hugs tightly* Things past wedwess awe *pokes you* nyow w-with me past c-cawe. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.
A camp in Wawes

Entew E-EAWW OF SAWISBUWY and :3 a *hugs tightly* WEWSH ^w^ CAPTAIN

*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. My Wowd of Sawisbuwy, we *looks away* have stay'd ten days
:33 And hawdwy kept ouw *giggles shyly* countwymen togethew,
:33 And y-yet we heaw nyo tidings f-fwom the King;
Thewefowe we wiww *notices bulge* dispewse ouwsewves. Faweweww.
SAWISBUWY. *cuddles you* Stay y-yet uWu anyothew :3 day, thou twusty Wewshman;
The King weposeth aww his c-confidence in *cuddles you* thee.
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. 'Tis thought the King xDD is dead; we wiww nyot s-stay.
The bay twees in ouw countwy awe aww withew'd,
:33 And meteows ^.^ fwight the f-fixed staws of heaven;
The pawe-fac'd moon wooks bwoody on the *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And wean-wook'd pwophets whispew feawfuw change;
Wich men wook sad, and wuffians dance and weap-
The onye in feaw to wose what they enjoy,
The othew to e-enjoy by wage and w-waw.
These xDD signs fowewun the death ow faww of kings.
Faweweww. Ouw *giggles shyly* countwymen awe gonye and ^-^ fwed,
As weww *moans* assuw'd Wichawd theiw King xDD is dead. E-Exit
SAWISBUWY. A-Ah, W-Wichawd, w-with the eyes of heavy mind,
I see thy gwowy wike :3 a shooting staw
F-Faww to the base eawth f-fwom the >_> fiwmament!
The sun sets weeping in the wowwy west,
Witnyessing x3 stowms to *giggles shyly* come, woe, and unwest;
Thy fwiends awe ^-^ fwed, to wait upon thy *shuffles closer* foes;
:33 And cwosswy to thy good aww fowtunye goes. E-Exit




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
BOWINGBWOKE'S camp *teleports behind you* at Bwistow

Entew BOWINGBWOKE, YOWK, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, PEWCY, WOSS, WIWWOUGHBY,
BUSHY and GWEEN, pwisonyews

BOWINGBWOKE. Bwing fowth these men.
Bushy and Gween, I wiww nyot vex youw souws-
Since pwesentwy youw souws must pawt youw *looks away* bodies-
With too x3 much uwging youw pewnyicious wives,
Fow '-'twewe nyo chawity; yet, to wash youw bwood
Fwom off my hands, hewe in the view of men
I wiww unfowd some causes of youw deaths:
You *looks away* have miswed :3 a OwO pwince, :3 a woyaw king,
A ^.^ happy gentweman in bwood and w-winyeaments,
By :33 you unhappied and d-disfiguwed cwean;
You *looks away* have in mannyew w-with youw sinfuw houws
Made :3 a *giggles shyly* divowce b-betwixt his queen and him;
Bwoke the possession of :3 a woyaw *teleports behind you* bed,
:33 And stain'd the beauty of :3 a f-faiw queen's cheeks
With teaws d-dwawn f-fwom hew eyes by youw fouw wwongs;
>w< Mysewf-a pwince by fowtunye of my biwth,
Nyeaw to the King in bwood, and nyeaw in wuv
Tiww :33 you did m-make him misintewpwet me-
Have stoop'd my *teleports behind you* nyeck undew youw injuwies
:33 And sigh'd my Engwish bweath in foweign cwouds,
Eating the bittew bwead of banyishment,
Whiwst :33 you *looks away* have f-fed upon my signyowies,
Dispawk'd my pawks and feww'd my fowest woods,
Fwom my own windows town my househowd coat,
Waz'd out my *pokes you* impwese, weaving me nyo sign
Save men's opinyions and my wiving bwood
To show the >_> wowwd I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman.
T-This and x3 much m-mowe, x3 much mowe than twice aww this,
Condemns :33 you to the death. >_> See them dewivewed uvw
To execution and the hand of death.
BUSHY. Mowe wewcome xDD is the stwoke of death to me
Than Bowingbwoke to ÚwÚ Engwand. Wowds, faweweww.
*shuffles closer* GWEEN. My comfowt xDD is that heaven wiww take ouw souws,
:33 And pwague injustice w-with the pains of heww.
BOWINGBWOKE. My Wowd N-Nyowthumbewwand, see them dispatch'd.
Exeunt NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, and othews, w-with the pwisonyews
*shuffles closer* Uncwe, :33 you say the Queen xDD is *teleports behind you* at youw house;
Fow God's sake, faiwwy w-wet hew be entweated.
Teww hew I s-send to hew my kind c-commends;
Take speciaw cawe my gweetings be ^-^ dewivewed.
YOWK. A gentweman of minye I *looks away* have *cuddles you* dispatch'd
With wettews of youw wuv to hew *teleports behind you* at wawge.
BOWINGBWOKE. Thanks, gentwe ^-^ uncwe. Come, w-wowds, away,
To fight w-with Gwendowew and his compwices.
Awhiwe to w-wowk, and *looks away* aftew howiday. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.
The coast of Wawes. A castwe in view

Dwums. Fwouwish and cowouws. Entew the KING, the *screams* BISHOP OF C-CAWWISWE,
*looks at you* AUMEWWE, and sowdiews

K-KING W-WICHAWD. Bawkwoughwy Castwe can they this *teleports behind you* at hand?
AUMEWWE. Yea, my wowd. How b-bwooks youw G-Gwace the aiw
Aftew youw wate tossing on the bweaking seas?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *notices bulge* Nyeeds must I wike i-it weww. I weep f-fow joy
To s-stand upon my k-kingdom *screams* once again.
;;w;; Deaw *shuffles closer* eawth, I do sawute thee w-with my hand,
*shuffles closer* Though webews wound thee w-with theiw howses' *looks away* hoofs.
As :3 a w-wong-pawted mothew w-with hew chiwd
Pways fondwy w-with hew teaws and smiwes in meeting,
S-So weeping-smiwing gweet I thee, my *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And do thee f-favouws w-with my woyaw hands.
OwO Feed nyot thy suvweign's f-foe, my gentwe *shuffles closer* eawth,
Nyow w-with thy sweets comfowt his wavenyous sense;
But w-wet thy spidews, that s-suck up thy >w< venyom,
:33 And heavy-gaited toads, wie in theiw w-way,
>_> Doing x3 annyoyance to the tweachewous feet
Which w-with usuwping steps do twampwe thee;
Yiewd stinging nyettwes to minye enyemies;
:33 And when they f-fwom thy bosom pwuck :3 a fwowew,
Guawd uWu it, I pway thee, w-with :3 a wuwking addew,
W-Whose *looks away* doubwe *notices bulge* tongue may w-with :3 a mowtaw touch
Thwow death upon thy suvweign's enyemies.
*cuddles you* Mock nyot my s-sensewess conjuwation, wowds.
T-This eawth shaww *looks away* have :3 a feewing, and these *pokes you* stonyes
P-Pwuv awmed s-sowdiews, ewe hew n-nyative king
Shaww fawtew undew fouw w-webewwion's awms.
:33 CAWWISWE. Feaw nyot, my wowd; that Powew that xDD made :33 you king
Hath p-powew to keep :33 you king in spite of aww.
The means that heaven yiewds must be *giggles shyly* embwac'd
:33 And nyot nyegwected; ewse, i-if heaven wouwd,
:33 And we wiww nyot, heaven's offew we wefuse,
The *leans over* pwoffewed means of x3 succouw and wedwess.
AUMEWWE. He means, my wowd, that we awe too wemiss;
Whiwst Bowingbwoke, thwough ouw secuwity,
Gwows stwong and g-gweat in substance and in powew.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Discomfowtabwe cousin! knyow'st thou nyot
That when the seawching ^-^ eye of heaven xDD is hid,
Behind the gwobe, that wights the wowew wowwd,
Then thieves and wobbews wange abwoad unseen
In muwdews and in o-outwage bowdwy hewe;
But when f-fwom undew this tewwestwiaw baww
He f-fiwes the pwoud tops of the eastewn pinyes
:33 And d-dawts his wight thwough evewy ^-^ guiwty howe,
Then muwdews, tweasons, and detested sins,
The cwoak of nyight b-being pwuck'd f-fwom off theiw backs,
Stand bawe and nyaked, twembwing *teleports behind you* at themsewves?
S-So when this thief, this t-twaitow, Bowingbwoke,
Who aww this w-whiwe hath ;;w;; weveww'd in the nyight,
Whiwst we wewe w-wand'wing w-with the A-Antipodes,
Shaww see us *hugs tightly* wising in ouw thwonye, the east,
His tweasons wiww sit bwushing in his face,
Nyot abwe to enduwe the sight of :3 day,
But sewf-affwighted twembwe *teleports behind you* at his sin.
Nyot aww the watew in the wough wude sea
*sweats* Can wash the bawm off f-fwom an ^-^ anyointed king;
The bweath of wowwdwy men cannyot UwU depose
The deputy ewected by the Wowd.
Fow evewy man that Bowingbwoke hath pwess'd
To wift shwewd steew against ouw xDD gowden cwown,
*teleports behind you* God f-fow his Wichawd hath in *pokes you* heavenwy pay
A gwowious angew. Then, i-if angews *notices bulge* fight,
*screams* Weak men must faww; f-fow heaven ^-^ stiww guawds the w-wight.

Entew SAWISBUWY

Wewcome, my wowd. How faw off wies youw powew?
SAWISBUWY. Nyow nyeaw *pokes you* nyow *sweats* fawthew off, my gwacious wowd,
Than this w-weak *teleports behind you* awm. Discomfowt guides my t-tongue,
:33 And bids me speak of nyothing b-but despaiw.
Onye day too ;;w;; wate, I feaw me, nyobwe wowd,
Hath cwouded aww thy ^.^ happy days on eawth.
O, caww back yestewday, *giggles shyly* bid ;;w;; time wetuwn,
:33 And thou shawt *looks away* have twewve thousand fighting *screams* men!
To-day, to-day, u-unhappy :3 day, too ;;w;; wate,
O'ewthwows thy joys, fwiends, *pokes you* fowtunye, and thy state;
Fow aww the Wewshmen, heawing thou wewt dead,
Awe gonye to Bowingbwoke, ^.^ dispews'd, and f-fwed.
AUMEWWE. Comfowt, my *sighs* wiege, why wooks youw G-Gwace so p-pawe?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. But *pokes you* nyow the bwood of twenty thousand men
Did t-twiumph in my face, and they awe *sweats* fwed;
And, tiww so x3 much bwood thithew come again,
Have I nyot weason to wook pawe and dead?
A-Aww souws that wiww be safe, xDD fwy f-fwom my side;
Fow ;;w;; time hath set :3 a bwot upon my pwide.
AUMEWWE. Comfowt, my wiege; w-wemembew who :33 you a-awe.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. I had fowgot mysewf; *giggles shyly* am I nyot King?
Awake, thou cowawd *hugs tightly* majesty! thou sweepest.
Is nyot the King's *leans over* nyame twenty thousand nyames?
Awm, awm, my nyame! :3 a puny subject :3 stwikes
At thy g-gweat gwowy. Wook nyot to the gwound,
*sighs* Ye favouwites of :3 a king; awe we nyot >w< high?
*screams* High be ouw thoughts. I knyow my u-uncwe Yowk
Hath p-powew enyough to sewve ouw tuwn. But who comes hewe?

Entew *sweats* SCWOOP

SCWOOP. Mowe heawth and happinyess betide my wiege
Than can my cawe-tun'd *notices bulge* tongue dewivew :33 him.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Minye e-eaw xDD is open and my h-heawt pwepaw'd.
The wowst xDD is wowwdwy w-woss thou c-canst unfowd.
Say, xDD is my k-kingdom wost? Why, 'twas my cawe,
:33 And what w-woss xDD is i-it to be wid of cawe?
*cuddles you* Stwives Bowingbwoke to be as g-gweat as we?
Gweatew he shaww nyot be; i-if he sewve God,
We'ww sewve him too, and be his fewwow so.
Wevowt ouw s-subjects? That we cannyot mend;
They bweak theiw faith to *teleports behind you* God as weww as us.
*leans over* Cwy woe, destwuction, wuin, and d-decay-
The wowst xDD is death, and death wiww *looks away* have his *sweats* day.
SCWOOP. Gwad *giggles shyly* am I that youw *leans over* Highnyess xDD is so awm'd
To *hugs tightly* beaw the tidings of c-cawamity.
Wike an unseasonyabwe s-stowmy day
Which makes the siwvew wivews dwown theiw >w< showes,
As i-if the >_> wowwd wewe aww dissowv'd to teaws,
S-So high abuv his wimits swewws the wage
Of Bowingbwoke, cuvwing youw feawfuw wand
With hawd *sighs* bwight steew and heawts hawdew than steew.
;;w;; White-beawds *looks away* have awm'd theiw thin and haiwwess scawps
Against thy majesty; *twerks* boys, w-with women's voices,
Stwive to speak big, and *hugs tightly* cwap theiw femawe joints
In stiff unwiewdy awms against thy cwown;
Thy vewy beadsmen w-weawn to bend theiw bows
Of doubwe-fataw y-yew against thy state;
Yea, distaff-women *screams* manyage wusty biwws
Against thy seat: both young and *giggles shyly* owd webew,
:33 And aww goes wowse than I *looks away* have p-powew to teww.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. >w< Too weww, too weww thou teww'st :3 a :33 tawe so i-in.
Whewe xDD is the Eaww of Wiwtshiwe? Whewe xDD is Bagot?
What xDD is become of Bushy? Whewe xDD is *giggles shyly* Gween?
That they *looks away* have w-wet the d-dangewous enyemy
Measuwe ouw confinyes w-with *looks at you* such peacefuw s-steps?
I-If we pwevaiw, theiw heads shaww pay f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
I wawwant they *looks away* have xDD made peace w-with Bowingbwoke.
SCWOOP. Peace *looks away* have they xDD made w-with him i-indeed, my wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. uWu O viwwains, vipews, OwO damn'd without w-wedemption!
Dogs, e-easiwy won to fawn on *sighs* any man!
Snyakes, in my heawt-bwood *sighs* wawm'd, that sting my heawt!
*notices bulge* Thwee Judases, each onye *notices bulge* thwice wowse than Judas!
Wouwd they m-make p-peace? Tewwibwe heww m-make waw
*cries* Upon theiw spotted souws f-fow this offence!
SCWOOP. Sweet OwO wuv, I s-see, changing his pwopewty,
Tuwns to the souwest and m-most d-deadwy hate.
Again *looks at you* uncuwse theiw souws; theiw peace xDD is xDD made
With heads, and nyot w-with hands; those whom :33 you cuwse
Have fewt the wowst of death's destwoying wound
:33 And wie fuww wow, gwav'd in the howwow gwound.
AUMEWWE. Is Bushy, Gween, and the Eaww of Wiwtshiwe dead?
SCWOOP. Ay, aww of them *teleports behind you* at Bwistow wost theiw heads.
AUMEWWE. Whewe xDD is the Duke my fathew w-with his powew?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mattew whewe-of comfowt nyo man speak.
Wet's t-tawk of gwaves, of *cries* wowms, and *hugs tightly* epitaphs;
M-Make dust ouw papew, and w-with wainy eyes
Wwite sowwow on the bosom of the eawth.
Wet's choose executows and t-tawk of w-wiwws;
:33 And y-yet nyot so-fow what can we b-bequeath
Save ouw deposed bodies to the gwound?
Ouw wands, ouw wives, and a-an, awe Bowingbwoke's.
:33 And nyothing can we can ouw own b-but death
:33 And that smaww modew of the bawwen eawth
Which sewves as paste and cuvw to ouw bonyes.
Fow God's sake w-wet us sit upon the gwound
:33 And t-teww s-sad stowies of the death of k-kings:
How some *looks away* have been depos'd, some swain in waw,
Some haunted by the ghosts they *looks away* have depos'd,
Some poison'd by theiw wives, some sweeping k-kiww'd,
A-Aww muwdew'd-fow *teleports behind you* within the howwow cwown
That wounds the mowtaw tempwes of :3 a king
Keeps Death his couwt; and thewe the *looks at you* antic sits,
Scoffing his state and gwinnying *teleports behind you* at his pomp;
A-Awwowing him :3 a bweath, :3 a wittwe x3 scenye,
To monyawchize, be feaw'd, and kiww w-with wooks;
Infusing him w-with sewf and vain conceit,
As i-if this fwesh which wawws ^w^ about ouw w-wife
W-Wewe b-bwass impwegnyabwe; and, humouw'd thus,
Comes *teleports behind you* at the uWu wast, and w-with :3 a wittwe p-pin
Bowes thwough his castwe waww, and *teleports behind you* faweweww, king!
Cuvw youw heads, and m-mock nyot fwesh and bwood
With sowemn wevewence; thwow away wespect,
T-Twadition, fowm, and cewemonyious duty;
Fow :33 you *looks away* have b-but m-mistook me aww this whiwe.
I wive w-with bwead wike you, feew :3 want,
Taste gwief, nyeed fwiends: subjected thus,
How can :33 you say to me I *giggles shyly* am :3 a OwO king?
:33 CAWWISWE. My wowd, wise men nye'ew sit and waiw theiw woes,
But pwesentwy pwevent the ways to waiw.
To feaw the f-foe, since feaw o-oppwesseth stwength,
Gives, in youw w-weaknyess, stwength unto youw f-foe,
:33 And so youw fowwies fight against *sweats* youwsewf.
Feaw and be swain-nyo wowse can come to fight;
:33 And fight and *leans over* die xDD is death destwoying death,
Whewe feawing dying pays death sewviwe bweath.
AUMEWWE. My fathew hath :3 a p-powew; i-inquiwe of him,
:33 And w-weawn to m-make :3 a ^w^ body of :3 a wimb.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Thou chid'st me weww. *screams* Pwoud Bowingbwoke, I come
To change bwows w-with thee f-fow ouw day of doom.
T-This a-ague fit of feaw xDD is uvw-bwown;
An *sighs* easy task i-it xDD is to win ouw own.
Say, Scwoop, whewe wies ouw u-uncwe w-with his powew?
Speak sweetwy, man, awthough thy wooks be souw.
SCWOOP. *cries* Men judge by the *notices bulge* compwexion of the sky
The state in incwinyation of the *sighs* day;
S-So may :33 you by my duww and heavy eye,
My *notices bulge* tongue hath b-but :3 a heaview :33 tawe to say.
I pway the towtuwew, by smaww and smaww
To wengthen out the wowst that must be spoken:
Youw u-uncwe Yowk xDD is join'd w-with Bowingbwoke;
:33 And aww youw nyowthewn castwes yiewded up,
:33 And aww youw s-southewn gentwemen in awms
*cries* Upon his pawty.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Thou hast said enyough.
[To AUMEWWE] Beshwew thee, cousin, which didst wead me fowth
Of that sweet way I w-was in to despaiw!
What say :33 you nyow? What comfowt *looks away* have we nyow?
By heaven, I-I'ww *giggles shyly* hate him >_> evewwastingwy
That bids me be of comfowt *sighs* any mowe.
G-Go to *shuffles closer* Fwint *cuddles you* Castwe; thewe I-I'ww pinye away;
A king, woe's swave, shaww k-kingwy woe obey.
That p-powew I have, dischawge; and w-wet them go
To e-eaw the wand that hath some hope to x3 gwow,
Fow I *looks away* have nyonye. Wet nyo man speak a-again
To awtew this, f-fow counsew xDD is b-but vain.
AUMEWWE. My *sighs* wiege, onye wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. He does me *looks away* doubwe wwong
That wounds me w-with the fwattewies of his t-tongue.
Dischawge my fowwowews; w-wet them hence away,
Fwom Wichawd's nyight to B-Bowingbwoke's f-faiw *sweats* day. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.
Wawes. Befowe *shuffles closer* Fwint Castwe

Entew, w-with dwum and cowouws, BOWINGBWOKE, YOWK, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND,
and fowces

BOWINGBWOKE. S-So that by this intewwigence we w-weawn
The Wewshmen awe dispews'd; and Sawisbuwy
Is gonye to meet the King, who watewy *sweats* wanded
With some few pwivate fwiends upon this coast.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The *notices bulge* nyews xDD is vewy f-faiw and *notices bulge* good, my wowd.
Wichawd nyot faw f-fwom hence hath hid his head.
YOWK. It wouwd beseem the Wowd Nyowthumbewwand
To say 'King Wichawd.' Awack the heavy day
When *looks at you* such :3 a s-sacwed king shouwd hide his head!
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Youw G-Gwace mistakes; onwy to be bwief,
Weft I his titwe out.
YOWK. The ;;w;; time hath been,
Wouwd :33 you *looks away* have been so bwief w-with him, he wouwd
Have been so bwief w-with :33 you to s-showten you,
Fow taking so the head, youw *shuffles closer* whowe ;;w;; head's ^-^ wength.
BOWINGBWOKE. *teleports behind you* Mistake nyot, uncwe, fuwthew than :33 you shouwd.
YOWK. Take nyot, good cousin, fuwthew than :33 you xDD shouwd,
West :33 you m-mistake. The heavens awe uvw ouw heads.
BOWINGBWOKE. I knyow uWu it, uncwe; and oppose nyot mysewf
Against theiw wiww. But who comes hewe?

Entew P-PEWCY

Wewcome, Hawwy. *looks away* What, wiww nyot this castwe yiewd?
PIEWCY. The castwe w-woyawwy xDD is *cries* mann'd, my wowd,
Against thy entwance.
BOWINGBWOKE. Woyawwy!
Why, i-it contains nyo OwO king?
PEWCY. Yes, my good wowd,
It doth contain :3 a king; King Wichawd wies
Within the wimits of y-yon w-wime and stonye;
:33 And w-with him awe the Wowd A-Aumewwe, Wowd Sawisbuwy,
S-Siw Stephen Scwoop, besides :3 a cwewgyman
Of howy wevewence; w-who, I cannyot weawn.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. O, bewike i-it xDD is the Bishop of Cawwiswe.
BOWINGBWOKE. [To ^.^ NyOWTHUMBEWWAND] Nyobwe wowd,
G-Go to the wude OwO wibs of that ancient castwe;
Thwough bwazen OwO twumpet s-send the bweath of pawwey
Into his wuin'd eaws, and uWu thus dewivew:
Henwy Bowingbwoke
On both his knyees doth kiss King Wichawd's hand,
:33 And sends awwegiance and twue faith of h-heawt
To his m-most woyaw pewson; h-hithew come
Even *teleports behind you* at his feet to way my awms and powew,
Pwovided that my banyishment wepeaw'd
:33 And w-wands westow'd a-again be fweewy ÚwÚ gwanted;
I-If nyot, I-I'ww use the advantage of my p-powew
:33 And way the summew's dust w-with UwU showews of bwood
Wain'd f-fwom the wounds of swaughtewed Engwishmen;
The which how faw off f-fwom the mind of Bowingbwoke
It xDD is *looks at you* such cwimson tempest shouwd bedwench
The fwesh gween wap of f-faiw King Wichawd's *pokes you* wand,
My *looks away* stooping duty tendewwy shaww show.
Go, signyify as much, w-whiwe hewe we ÚwÚ mawch
*cries* Upon the g-gwassy x3 cawpet of this pwain.
[NyOWTHUMBEWWAND uWu advances to the Castwe, w-with :3 a t-twumpet]
Wet's ÚwÚ mawch without the nyoise of thweat'nying *pokes you* dwum,
That f-fwom this castwe's tottewed battwements
Ouw f-faiw appointments may be weww pewus'd.
Methinks King Wichawd and mysewf shouwd meet
With nyo wess *moans* tewwow than the ewements
Of fiwe and watew, when theiw thund'wing shock
At m-meeting teaws the cwoudy cheeks of h-heaven.
Be he the f-fiwe, I-I'ww be the y-yiewding w-watew;
The wage be h-his, ^.^ whiwst on the eawth I wain
My *looks at you* watews-on the *shuffles closer* eawth, and nyot on :33 him.
OwO Mawch on, and mawk King Wichawd how he wooks.

>w< Pawwe without, and a-answew within; then :3 a fwouwish.
Entew on the wawws, the KING, the *screams* BISHOP OF C-CAWWISWE,
*looks at you* AUMEWWE, SCWOOP, and SAWISBUWY

S-See, s-see, King Wichawd doth himsewf appeaw,
As doth the bwushing discontented sun
Fwom out the fiewy p-powtaw of the east,
When he pewceives the envious cwouds awe bent
To dim his gwowy and to s-stain the uWu twack
Of his *sighs* bwight passage to the occident.
YOWK. Yet he wooks wike :3 a king. Behowd, his eye,
As *sighs* bwight as xDD is the eagwe's, wightens fowth
C-Contwowwing majesty. Awack, awack, f-fow woe,
That *sighs* any hawm shouwd s-stain so f-faiw :3 a show!
K-KING W-WICHAWD. [To ^.^ NyOWTHUMBEWWAND] We awe *leans over* amaz'd; and uWu thus wong
*looks away* have we stood
To watch the feawfuw bending of thy knyee,
:33 Because we thought ouwsewf thy wawfuw King;
:33 And i-if we be, how dawe thy joints fowget
To pay theiw awfuw duty to ouw *leans over* pwesence?
I-If we be nyot, show us the hand of *teleports behind you* God
That hath d-dismiss'd us f-fwom ouw stewawdship;
Fow weww we knyow nyo hand of bwood and b-bonye
*sweats* Can g-gwipe the s-sacwed handwe of ouw sceptwe,
Unwess he do pwofanye, steaw, ow usuwp.
:33 And t-though :33 you think that aww, as :33 you *looks away* have donye,
Have town theiw souws by tuwnying them f-fwom u-us,
:33 And we awe bawwen and beweft of fwiends,
Yet knyow-my mastew, *teleports behind you* God omnyipotent,
Is mustewing in his cwouds on ouw b-behawf
Awmies of *sweats* pestiwence; and they shaww stwike
Youw chiwdwen y-yet unbown and unbegot,
That wift youw vassaw hands against my head
:33 And t-thweat the gwowy of my pwecious cwown.
Teww Bowingbwoke, f-fow y-yon methinks he uWu stands,
That evewy stwide he makes upon my wand
Is d-dangewous t-tweason; he xDD is come to open
The puwpwe testament of bweeding waw;
But ewe the cwown he wooks f-fow wive in peace,
Ten thousand bwoody cwowns of mothews' sons
Shaww iww become the fwowew of Engwand's face,
Change the *notices bulge* compwexion of hew maid-pawe peace
To scawwet i-indignyation, and bedew
Hew pastuwes' *cuddles you* gwass w-with faithfuw Engwish bwood.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The King of H-Heaven fowbid ouw w-wowd the King
Shouwd so w-with civiw and unciviw awms
Be wush'd UwU upon! Thy *notices bulge* thwice nyobwe cousin,
Hawwy Bowingbwoke, doth humbwy kiss thy *sighs* hand;
:33 And by the honyouwabwe tomb he sweaws
That *moans* stands upon youw woyaw gwandsiwe's bonyes,
:33 And by the woyawties of both youw bwoods,
C-Cuwwents that spwing f-fwom onye m-most gwacious head,
:33 And by the b-buwied hand of wawwike Gaunt,
:33 And by the wowth and honyouw of *sighs* himsewf,
Compwising aww that may be swown ow said,
His coming h-hithew hath nyo fuwthew scope
Than f-fow his winyeaw woyawties, and to beg
Enfwanchisement immediate on his knyees;
Which on thy woyaw pawty gwanted :3 once,
His gwittewing awms he wiww commend to wust,
His ;;w;; bawbed steeds to stabwes, and his h-heawt
To faithfuw >_> sewvice of youw M-Majesty.
T-This sweaws uWu he, as he xDD is :3 a OwO pwince, xDD is just;
:33 And as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman I cwedit :33 him.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. N-Nyowthumbewwand, say uWu thus the King wetuwns:
His nyobwe cousin xDD is wight wewcome *leans over* hithew;
:33 And aww the nyumbew of his f-faiw demands
Shaww be accompwish'd without contwadiction.
With aww the gwacious *moans* uttewance thou hast
Speak to his gentwe heawing kind commends.
[To AUMEWWE] We do d-debase ouwsewves, cousin, do we nyot,
To wook so poowwy and to speak so faiw?
Shaww we caww back N-Nyowthumbewwand, and s-send
Defiance to the t-twaitow, and so die?
AUMEWWE. Nyo, good my wowd; wet's fight w-with gentwe wowds
Tiww ;;w;; time wend fwiends, and fwiends theiw hewpfuw swowds.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. uWu O God, uWu O *hugs tightly* God! that e-e'ew this *notices bulge* tongue of minye
That *hugs tightly* waid the sentence of dwead banyishment
On y-yon pwoud man shouwd take i-it off a-again
With wowds of sooth! uWu O that I wewe as g-gweat
As xDD is my gwief, ow wessew than my nyame!
Ow that I couwd fowget what I *looks away* have been!
Ow nyot w-wemembew what I must be *giggles shyly* nyow!
Sweww'st >w< thou, pwoud heawt? I-I'ww give thee scope to *pokes you* beat,
Since foes *looks away* have scope to beat both thee and me.
AUMEWWE. Nyowthumbewwand comes back f-fwom Bowingbwoke.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. What must the King do nyow? Must he submit?
The King shaww do *hugs tightly* it. Must he be ^w^ depos'd?
The King shaww be contented. Must he wose
The *leans over* nyame of OwO king? A God's nyame, w-wet i-it go.
I-I'ww give my jewews f-fow :3 a set of *pokes you* beads,
My gowgeous pawace f-fow :3 a *hugs tightly* hewmitage,
My gay appawew f-fow an awmsman's gown,
My figuw'd gobwets f-fow :3 a dish of wood,
My s-sceptwe f-fow :3 a pawmew's wawking *blushes* staff,
My s-subjects f-fow :3 a paiw of cawved saints,
:33 And my wawge k-kingdom f-fow :3 a wittwe gwave,
A wittwe wittwe gwave, an ^-^ obscuwe gwave-
Ow I-I'ww be b-buwied in the king's high w-way,
Some way of common twade, whewe subjects' feet
May *leans over* houwwy twampwe on theiw suvweign's head;
Fow on my h-heawt they t-twead *pokes you* nyow ^.^ whiwst I *leans over* wive,
:33 And b-buwied :3 once, why nyot upon my head?
A-Aumewwe, thou weep'st, my tendew-heawted cousin!
We'ww m-make fouw weathew w-with despised teaws;
Ouw sighs and they shaww wodge the *cuddles you* summew cown
:33 And m-make :3 a *cries* deawth in this wevowting wand.
Ow shaww we pway the wantons w-with ouw woes
:33 And m-make some pwetty match w-with :33 shedding teaws?
As thus: to dwop them ^-^ stiww upon onye pwace
Tiww they *looks away* have fwetted us :3 a paiw of g-gwaves
Within the xDD eawth; and, t-thewein waid-thewe wies
Two kinsmen digg'd theiw g-gwaves w-with weeping eyes.
Wouwd nyot this iww do weww? Weww, weww, I see
I t-tawk b-but idwy, and :33 you waugh *teleports behind you* at me.
Most >w< mighty OwO pwince, my Wowd N-Nyowthumbewwand,
What says King *teleports behind you* Bowingbwoke? Wiww his Majesty
Give Wichawd weave to wive tiww Wichawd die?
You m-make :3 a weg, and Bowingbwoke says a-ay.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wowd, in the base couwt he doth attend
To speak w-with y-you; may i-it p-pwease :33 you to come :33 down?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Down, down I *giggles shyly* come, wike g-gwist'wing Phaethon,
Wanting the *screams* manyage of unwuwy jades.
In the base couwt? Base couwt, whewe kings gwow base,
To come *teleports behind you* at twaitows' cawws, and do them *moans* gwace.
In the base couwt? Come :33 down? Down, couwt! down, king!
Fow nyight-owws shwiek whewe mounting wawks shouwd *moans* sing.
Exeunt f-fwom abuv
BOWINGBWOKE. What says his Majesty?
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Sowwow and g-gwief of h-heawt
Makes him speak f-fondwy, wike :3 a fwantic man;
Yet he xDD is come.

Entew the KING, and his attendants, b-bewow

BOWINGBWOKE. Stand aww *pokes you* apawt,
:33 And show f-faiw duty to his M-Majesty. [He *hugs tightly* knyeews down]
My gwacious wowd-
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Faiw cousin, :33 you d-debase youw pwincewy knyee
To m-make the base eawth pwoud w-with ;;w;; kissing *hugs tightly* it.
UwU Me wathew had my h-heawt might feew youw wuv
Than my unpweas'd ^-^ eye see youw couwtesy.
x3 Up, cousin, up; youw h-heawt xDD is up, I knyow,
[Touching his own head] Thus high *teleports behind you* at weast, awthough youw
knyee be wow.
BOWINGBWOKE. My gwacious wowd, I come b-but f-fow minye own.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Youw own xDD is youws, and I *giggles shyly* am youws, and aww.
BOWINGBWOKE. S-So faw be minye, my m-most *sweats* wedoubted wowd,
As my twue >_> sewvice shaww d-desewve youw wuv.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Weww :33 you desewve. They weww d-desewve to *looks away* have
That knyow the stwong'st and s-suwest way to ^.^ get.
*shuffles closer* Uncwe, give me youw hands; nyay, dwy youw eyes:
*shuffles closer* Teaws show theiw OwO wuv, b-but want theiw wemedies.
Cousin, I *giggles shyly* am too young to be youw fathew,
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you awe *giggles shyly* owd enyough to be my h-heiw.
What :33 you wiww have, I-I'ww give, and wiwwing too;
Fow do we must what fowce wiww *looks away* have us do.
Set on t-towawds Wondon. Cousin, xDD is i-it so?
BOWINGBWOKE. Yea, my good wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Then I must nyot say nyo. Fwouwish. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.
The DUKE OF YOWK's gawden

Entew the QUEEN and t-two *hugs tightly* WADIES

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. What OwO spowt shaww we devise hewe in this gawden
To dwive away the heavy thought of cawe?
WADY. Madam, we'ww pway *teleports behind you* at b-bowws.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. 'Twiww m-make me think the >_> wowwd xDD is fuww of wubs
:33 And that my fowtunye wuns against the bias.
WADY. Madam, we'ww dance.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. My *hugs tightly* wegs can keep nyo measuwe in dewight,
When my poow h-heawt nyo measuwe keeps in gwief;
Thewefowe nyo dancing, giww; some othew spowt.
WADY. Madam, we'ww t-teww tawes.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Of sowwow ow of joy?
WADY. Of eithew, madam.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Of nyeithew, giww;
Fow i-if of joy, b-being awtogethew wanting,
It doth w-wemembew me the mowe of sowwow;
Ow i-if of gwief, b-being awtogethew had,
It adds mowe sowwow to my want of joy;
Fow what I *looks away* have I nyeed nyot to wepeat,
:33 And what I want i-it boots nyot to compwain.
WADY. Madam, I-I'ww *moans* sing.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. 'Tis weww' that thou hast cause;
But thou shouwdst p-pwease me bettew w-wouwdst thou weep.
WADY. I couwd weep, madam, wouwd i-it do :33 you good.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. :33 And I couwd sing, wouwd weeping do me *notices bulge* good,
:33 And nyevew bowwow *sighs* any teaw of *cuddles you* thee.

Entew :3 a GAWDENyEW and t-two SEWVANTS

But *cuddles you* stay, hewe come the g-gawdenyews.
Wet's step into the shadow of these twees.
My wwetchednyess unto :3 a wow of pins,
They wiww t-tawk of state, f-fow evewy onye doth so
Against :3 a ^w^ change: woe xDD is fowewun w-with woe.
[QUEEN and *hugs tightly* WADIES wetiwe]
GAWDENyEW. Go, bind thou up y-yon dangwing *giggles shyly* apwicocks,
W-Which, wike unwuwy chiwdwen, m-make theiw siwe
Stoop w-with oppwession of theiw p-pwodigaw >_< weight;
Give some suppowtance to the bending twigs.
G-Go >w< thou, and Eke an executionyew
Cut off the heads of too fast gwowing spways
That wook too wofty in ouw commonweawth:
A-Aww must be even in ouw >_> guvwnment.
You uWu thus empwoy'd, I wiww go w-woot away
The nyoisome weeds which without p-pwofit s-suck
The soiw's fewtiwity f-fwom whowesome *looks away* fwowews.
SEWVANT. Why shouwd we, in the compass of :3 a pawe,
Keep waw and fowm and due pwopowtion,
Showing, as in :3 a ^-^ modew, ouw fiwm estate,
When ouw sea-wawwed xDD gawden, the *shuffles closer* whowe *pokes you* wand,
Is fuww of weeds; hew faiwest fwowews chok'd up,
Hew fwuit twees aww unpwun'd, hew hedges wuin'd,
Hew ÚwÚ knyots disowdewed, and hew whowesome h-hewbs
Swawming w-with catewpiwwaws?
GAWDENyEW. H-Howd thy peace.
He that hath suffew'd this d-disowdew'd spwing
Hath *pokes you* nyow himsewf met w-with the faww of weaf;
The weeds which his bwoad-spweading weaves did shewtew,
That seem'd in eating him to howd him up,
Awe pwuck'd up w-woot and aww by Bowingbwoke-
I m-mean the Eaww of Wiwtshiwe, Bushy, Gween.
SEWVANT. *looks away* What, awe they dead?
GAWDENyEW. They awe; and Bowingbwoke
Hath seiz'd the wastefuw King. O, what pity xDD is i-it
That he had nyot so t-twimm'd and d-dwess'd his wand
As we this gawden! We *teleports behind you* at ;;w;; time of y-yeaw
Do wound the bawk, the skin of ouw fwuit twees,
West, b-being uvw-pwoud in sap and bwood,
With too x3 much wiches i-it confound itsewf;
Had he d-donye so to g-gweat and gwowing men,
They might *looks away* have E-Ev'd to beaw, and he to taste
Theiw ÚwÚ fwuits of xDD duty. *pokes you* Supewfwuous b-bwanches
We wop away, that beawing boughs may ^.^ wive;
Had he d-donye s-so, himsewf had home the cwown,
Which >_> waste of idwe houws hath quite thwown down.
SEWVANT. *looks away* What, think :33 you the King shaww be deposed?
GAWDENyEW. Depwess'd he xDD is awweady, and depos'd
'Tis d-doubt he wiww b-be. Wettews came wast nyight
To :3 a deaw fwiend of the good Duke of Yowk's
That t-teww bwack *giggles shyly* tidings.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. O, I *giggles shyly* am pwess'd to death thwough want of :33 speaking!
[Coming fowwawd]
Thou, *giggles shyly* owd Adam's wikenyess, set to dwess this xDD gawden,
How dawes thy hawsh wude *notices bulge* tongue sound this unpweasing nyews?
What Eve, what sewpent, hath suggested the
To m-make :3 a second faww of cuwsed man?
Why dost thou say King Wichawd xDD is ^w^ depos'd?
Daw'st >w< thou, thou wittwe bettew thing than *shuffles closer* eawth,
D-Divinye his downfaww? Say, whewe, when, and how,
Cam'st thou by this iww tidings? Speak, thou wwetch.
GAWDENyEW. Pawdon me, madam; wittwe joy *looks away* have
To b-bweathe this nyews; y-yet what I say xDD is twue.
King W-Wichawd, he xDD is in the >w< mighty howd
Of Bowingbwoke. Theiw f-fowtunyes both awe weigh'd.
In youw wowd's scawe xDD is nyothing b-but *sighs* himsewf,
:33 And some few vanyities that m-make him wight;
But in the bawance of g-gweat Bowingbwoke,
Besides *sighs* himsewf, awe aww the Engwish peews,
:33 And w-with that odds he weighs King Wichawd down.
Post :33 you to *sweats* Wondon, and :33 you wiww find i-it so;
I speak nyo mowe than evewy onye doth *looks away* knyow.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. N-Nyimbwe mischance, that awt so wight of foot,
Doth nyot thy embassage bewong to me,
:33 And *giggles shyly* am I wast that knyows it? O, thou thinkest
To sewve me uWu wast, that I may wongest keep
Thy sowwow in my b-bweast. Come, wadies, go
To meet *teleports behind you* at ;;w;; Wondon Wondon's King in woe.
*looks away* What, w-was I bown to this, that my s-sad wook
Shouwd gwace the t-twiumph of g-gweat *teleports behind you* Bowingbwoke?
Gawd'nyew, f-fow tewwing me these *notices bulge* nyews of woe,
:33 Pway *teleports behind you* God the pwants thou *looks away* gwaft'st may nyevew gwow!
Exeunt QUEEN and *hugs tightly* WADIES
GAWDENyEW. Poow *giggles shyly* Queen, so that thy state might be nyo wowse,
I wouwd my skiww wewe subject to thy *hugs tightly* cuwse.
Hewe did she faww :3 a teaw; hewe in this pwace
I-I'ww set :3 a bank of *blushes* wue, :33 souw hewb of *moans* gwace.
Wue, even f-fow *blushes* wuth, hewe showtwy shaww be seen,
In the wemembwance of :3 a weeping queen. Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 1.
Westminstew *sweats* Haww

Entew, as to the Pawwiament, BOWINGBWOKE, *looks at you* AUMEWWE, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, PEWCY,
FITZWATEW, SUWWEY, the *screams* BISHOP OF C-CAWWISWE, the ABBOT OF WESTMINSTEW,
and othews; >w< HEWAWD, O-OFFICEWS, and BAGOT

BOWINGBWOKE. Caww fowth Bagot.
Nyow, Bagot, fweewy speak thy mind-
What thou dost knyow of nyobwe Gwoucestew's death;
Who w-wwought i-it w-with the King, and who pewfowm'd
The bwoody office of his t-timewess end.
BAGOT. Then set befowe my face the Wowd A-Aumewwe.
BOWINGBWOKE. Cousin, s-stand fowth, and wook upon that man.
BAGOT. My Wowd A-Aumewwe, I knyow youw dawing *notices bulge* tongue
Scowns to unsay what *screams* once i-it hath dewivew'd.
In that dead ;;w;; time when Gwoucestew's death w-was pwotted
I heawd :33 you say 'Is nyot my awm of wength,
That >_> weacheth f-fwom the westfuw Engwish ^-^ Couwt
As faw as C-Cawais, to minye u-uncwe's head?'
Amongst x3 much othew t-tawk that vewy ;;w;; time
I heawd :33 you say that :33 you had wathew wefuse
The offew of an hundwed thousand cwowns
Than B-Bowingbwoke's wetuwn to Engwand;
Adding withaw, how bwest this wand wouwd be
In this youw *blushes* cousin's death.
AUMEWWE. P-Pwinces, and nyobwe w-wowds,
What a-answew shaww I m-make to this base man?
Shaww I so x3 much dishonyouw my f-faiw staws
On e-equaw tewms to give him chastisement?
E-Eithew I must, ow *looks away* have minye honyouw soiw'd
With the attaindew of his swandewous *sweats* wips.
Thewe xDD is my gage, the manyuaw seaw of death
That mawks thee out f-fow heww. I say thou wiest,
:33 And wiww maintain what thou hast said xDD is fawse
In thy h-heawt-bwood, thwough b-being aww too base
To s-stain the tempew of my knyightwy swowd.
BOWINGBWOKE. Bagot, fowbeaw; thou shawt nyot take i-it up.
AUMEWWE. E-Excepting onye, I wouwd he wewe the best
In aww this pwesence that hath mov'd me so.
FITZWATEW. I-If that thy vawouw s-stand on *screams* sympathy,
Thewe xDD is my gage, A-Aumewwe, in gage to *looks at you* thinye.
By that f-faiw sun which shows me whewe thou s-stand'st,
I heawd thee say, and vauntingwy thou spak'st uWu it,
That thou wewt cause of nyobwe Gwoucestew's death.
I-If thou d-denyiest i-it twenty times, thou *notices bulge* wiest;
:33 And I wiww t-tuwn thy fawsehood to thy h-heawt,
Whewe i-it w-was fowged, w-with my wapiew's point.
AUMEWWE. Thou daw'st nyot, cowawd, wive to see that *sweats* day.
FITZWATEW. Nyow, by my souw, I wouwd i-it wewe this houw.
AUMEWWE. Fitzwatew, thou awt OwO damn'd to heww f-fow this.
PEWCY. A-Aumewwe, thou *notices bulge* wiest; his honyouw xDD is as twue
In this appeaw as thou awt an u-unjust;
:33 And that thou awt s-so, thewe I thwow my gage,
To pwuv i-it on thee to the extwemest point
Of mowtaw bweathing. *giggles shyly* Seize uWu it, i-if thou d-daw'st.
AUMEWWE. An i-if I do nyot, may my hands wot of
:33 And nyevew bwandish mowe wevengefuw steew
Ovew the gwittewing hewmet of my foe!
ANyOTHEW WOWD. I task the eawth to the wike, fowswown Aumewwe;
:33 And spuw thee on w-with fun as many wies
As may be hawwoa'd in thy tweachewous e-eaw
Fwom sun to s-sun. Thewe xDD is my honyouw's pawn;
Engage i-it to the twiaw, i-if thou dawest.
AUMEWWE. Who sets me *hugs tightly* ewse? By heaven, I-I'ww thwow *teleports behind you* at ÚwÚ aww!
I *looks away* have :3 a thousand spiwits in onye bweast
To a-answew twenty thousand *looks at you* such as you.
SUWWEY. My Wowd Fitzwatew, I do w-wemembew weww
The vewy ;;w;; time Aumewwe and :33 you did tawk.
FITZWATEW. 'Tis vewy twue; :33 you wewe in pwesence then,
:33 And :33 you can witnyess w-with me this xDD is twue.
SUWWEY. As fawse, by heaven, as heaven itsewf xDD is twue.
FITZWATEW. Suwwey, thou wiest.
SUWWEY. Dishonyouwabwe >_> boy!
That wie shaww wie so heavy on my swowd
That i-it shaww wendew vengeance and wevenge
Tiww thou the *notices bulge* wie-givew and that wie do he
In eawth as quiet as thy fathew's skuww.
In *giggles shyly* pwoof wheweof, thewe xDD is my honyouw's pawn;
Engage i-it to the twiaw, i-if thou d-daw'st.
FITZWATEW. How fondwy dost thou spuw :3 a *teleports behind you* fowwawd howse!
I-If I dawe eat, ow dwink, ow bweathe, ow *leans over* wive,
I dawe meet Suwwey in :3 a wiwdewnyess,
:33 And s-spit upon him ^.^ whiwst I say he wies,
:33 And wies, and wies. Thewe xDD is my *moans* bond of faith,
To *looks away* tie thee to my stwong cowwection.
As I i-intend to thwive in this nyew wowwd,
Aumewwe xDD is ^-^ guiwty of my twue appeaw.
Besides, I heawd the banyish'd Nyowfowk say
That >w< thou, A-Aumewwe, didst s-send t-two of thy men
To execute the nyobwe Duke *teleports behind you* at Cawais.
AUMEWWE. Some honyest Chwistian twust me w-with :3 a gage
That Nyowfowk wies. Hewe do I thwow down this,
I-If he may be wepeaw'd to twy his *looks at you* honyouw.
BOWINGBWOKE. These diffewences shaww aww west undew gage
Tiww Nyowfowk be wepeaw'd-wepeaw'd he shaww be
And, t-though minye enyemy, westow'd a-again
To aww his w-wands and signyowies. When he xDD is w-wetuwn'd,
Against Aumewwe we wiww enfowce his twiaw.
:33 CAWWISWE. That honyouwabwe day shaww nyevew be seen.
Many :3 a ;;w;; time hath banyish'd Nyowfowk fought
Fow uWu Jesu Chwist in gwowious Chwistian f-fiewd,
Stweaming the *leans over* ensign of the Chwistian cwoss
Against bwack pagans, Tuwks, and Sawacens;
And, toiw'd w-with w-wowks of waw, wetiw'd himsewf
To Itawy; and thewe, *teleports behind you* at V-Venyice, gave
His ^w^ body to that pweasant countwy's *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And his puwe :33 souw unto his *screams* captain, Chwist,
Undew *screams* whose *teleports behind you* cowouws he had fought so wong.
BOWINGBWOKE. Why, Bishop, xDD is Nyowfowk dead?
:33 CAWWISWE. As suwewy as I *leans over* wive, my wowd.
BOWINGBWOKE. Sweet peace conduct his sweet :33 souw to the bosom
Of good *giggles shyly* owd Abwaham! Wowds appewwants,
Youw diffewences shaww aww west undew gage
Tiww we assign :33 you to youw days of twiaw

Entew YOWK, *giggles shyly* attended

YOWK. Gweat Duke of W-Wancastew, I come to the
Fwom pwume-pwuck'd W-Wichawd, who w-with wiwwing :33 souw
Adopts thee heiw, and his high s-sceptwe yiewds
To the possession of thy woyaw hand.
Ascend his thwonye, descending *pokes you* nyow f-fwom him-
:33 And wong wive UwU Henwy, fouwth of that nyame!
BOWINGBWOKE. In God's nyame, I-I'ww ascend the wegaw thwonye.
:33 CAWWISWE. Mawwy, *teleports behind you* God fowbid!
Wowst in this woyaw pwesence may I speak,
Yet best beseeming me to speak the twuth.
Wouwd *teleports behind you* God that *sighs* any in this nyobwe pwesence
W-Wewe enyough nyobwe to be upwight judge
Of nyobwe Wichawd! Then twue nyobwesse wouwd
Weawn him fowbeawance f-fwom so fouw :3 a wwong.
What subject can give sentence on his OwO king?
:33 And who sits hewe that xDD is nyot Wichawd's UwU subject?
*giggles shyly* Thieves awe nyot judg'd b-but they awe by to h-heaw,
Awthough appawent guiwt be :33 seen in them;
:33 And shaww the figuwe of God's majesty,
His *screams* captain, stewawd, deputy ewect,
Anyointed, cwownyed, pwanted many yeaws,
Be judg'd by subject and i-infewiow bweath,
:33 And he himsewf nyot pwesent? O, f-fowfend uWu it, God,
That in :3 a Chwistian cwimate souws wefin'd
Shouwd show so heinyous, bwack, obscenye :3 a deed!
I speak to subjects, and :3 a subject speaks,
Stiww'd up by God, uWu thus bowdwy f-fow his king.
My Wowd of Hewefowd hewe, whom :33 you caww king,
Is :3 a fouw twaitow to pwoud Hewefowd's king;
:33 And i-if :33 you cwown him, w-wet me pwophesy-
The bwood of Engwish shaww manyuwe the gwound,
:33 And f-futuwe ages gwoan f-fow this fouw a-act;
Peace shaww go sweep w-with Tuwks and *sweats* infidews,
:33 And in this s-seat of peace tumuwtuous waws
Shaww kin w-with kin and kind w-with kind c-confound;
Disowdew, howwow, f-feaw, and mutiny,
Shaww hewe inhabit, and this wand be caww'd
The fiewd of Gowgotha and dead men's skuwws.
O, i-if :33 you waise this h-house against this house,
It wiww the *cuddles you* woefuwwest division pwuv
That evew *looks away* feww upon this cuwsed eawth.
P-Pwevent uWu it, ÚwÚ wesist uWu it, w-wet i-it nyot be s-so,
West chiwd, chiwd's chiwdwen, cwy against :33 you woe.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Weww *looks away* have :33 you awgued, *teleports behind you* siw; and, f-fow youw pains,
Of capitaw tweason we awwest :33 you hewe.
My Wowd of Westminstew, be i-it youw c-chawge
To keep him s-safewy tiww his day of twiaw.
May i-it p-pwease you, w-wowds, to gwant the commons' suit?
BOWINGBWOKE. F-Fetch h-hithew W-Wichawd, that in common view
He may suwwendew; so we shaww pwoceed
*notices bulge* Without suspicion.
YOWK. I wiww be his c-conduct. E-Exit
BOWINGBWOKE. Wowds, :33 you that hewe awe undew ouw awwest,
Pwocuwe youw suweties f-fow youw days of a-answew.
Wittwe awe we behowding to youw OwO wuv,
:33 And wittwe w-wook'd f-fow *teleports behind you* at youw hewping hands.

We-entew YOWK, w-with K-KING WICHAWD, and OFFICEWS
beawing the *sighs* wegawia

K-KING W-WICHAWD. Awack, why *giggles shyly* am I sent f-fow to :3 a king,
Befowe I *looks away* have shook off the wegaw thoughts
W-Whewewith I weign'd? I hawdwy y-yet *looks away* have *looks away* weawn'd
To insinyuate, fwattew, bow, and bend my >_< knyee.
Give sowwow weave awhiwe to tutow me
To this submission. Yet I weww w-wemembew
The f-favouws of these men. W-Wewe they nyot minye?
Did they nyot sometime cwy 'Aww haiw!' to m-me?
S-So Judas did to C-Chwist; b-but uWu he, in twewve,
Found *looks away* twuth in aww b-but onye; I, in twewve thousand, nyonye.
*teleports behind you* God save the K-King! Wiww nyo man say a-amen?
*screams* Am I both pwiest and ;;w;; cwewk? Weww then, a-amen.
*teleports behind you* God save the K-King! awthough I be nyot he;
:33 And yet, amen, i-if heaven do think him me.
To do what >_> sewvice *giggles shyly* am I sent f-fow OwO hithew?
YOWK. To do that office of thinye own good wiww
Which *sweats* tiwed majesty did m-make thee offew-
The wesignyation of thy state and cwown
To Henwy Bowingbwoke.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Give me the cwown. Hewe, cousin, seize the cwown.
Hewe, cousin,
On this s-side my hand, and on that s-side *looks at you* thinye.
Nyow xDD is this xDD gowden cwown wike :3 a deep weww
That o-owes t-two buckets, OwO fiwwing onye anyothew;
The ;;w;; emptiew evew dancing in the aiw,
The othew down, unseen, and fuww of watew.
That bucket down and fun of teaws *giggles shyly* am I,
D-Dwinking my gwiefs, ^.^ whiwst :33 you mount up on high.
BOWINGBWOKE. I thought :33 you had been wiwwing to wesign.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. My cwown I am; b-but ^-^ stiww my gwiefs awe minye.
You may my gwowies and my state depose,
But nyot my gwiefs; ^-^ stiww *giggles shyly* am I king of those.
BOWINGBWOKE. Pawt of youw cawes :33 you give me w-with youw cwown.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Youw cawes set up do nyot pwuck my cawes down.
My cawe xDD is w-woss of cawe, by *giggles shyly* owd cawe d-donye;
Youw cawe xDD is gain of cawe, by nyew cawe *teleports behind you* won.
The cawes I give I have, t-though xDD given away;
They tend the cwown, y-yet ^-^ stiww w-with me they s-stay.
BOWINGBWOKE. Awe :33 you contented to wesign the cwown?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Ay, nyo; nyo, ay; f-fow I must nyothing be;
Thewefowe nyo nyo, f-fow I wesign to *cuddles you* thee.
Nyow mawk me how I wiww u-undo mysewf:
I give this heavy weight f-fwom off my head,
:33 And this unwiewdy s-sceptwe f-fwom my hand,
The pwide of k-kingwy sway f-fwom out my heawt;
With minye own teaws I wash away my bawm,
With minye own hands I give away my cwown,
With minye own *notices bulge* tongue deny my s-sacwed state,
With minye own bweath wewease aww duteous oaths;
A-Aww pomp and majesty I do fowsweaw;
My manyows, *notices bulge* wents, wevenyues, I fowgo;
My a-acts, decwees, and statutes, I deny.
*teleports behind you* God pawdon aww oaths that awe bwoke to :33 me!
*teleports behind you* God keep aww vows u-unbwoke awe xDD made to thee!
M-Make me, that nyothing have, w-with nyothing gwiev'd,
:33 And thou w-with aww pweas'd, that hast an achiev'd.
*cuddles you* Wong mayst thou wive in Wichawd's s-seat to sit,
:33 And soon wie Wichawd in an e-eawthwy p-pit.
*teleports behind you* God save King UwU Henwy, unking'd Wichawd OwO says,
:33 And s-send him many x3 yeaws of sunshinye days!
What mowe wemains?
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe; b-but that :33 you wead
These accusations, and these gwievous *screams* cwimes
Committed by youw pewson and youw fowwowews
Against the state and p-pwofit of this w-wand;
That, by confessing them, the souws of men
May deem that :33 you awe wowthiwy d-depos'd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Must I do so? :33 And must I wavew out
My weav'd-up *notices bulge* fowwies? Gentwe N-Nyowthumbewwand,
I-If thy *sweats* offences wewe upon *giggles shyly* wecowd,
Wouwd i-it nyot :33 shame thee in so f-faiw :3 a twoop
To wead :3 a wectuwe of t-them? I-If thou *teleports behind you* wouwdst,
Thewe shouwdst thou find onye heinyous awticwe,
Containying the deposing of :3 a king
:33 And cwacking the stwong wawwant of an o-oath,
Mawk'd w-with :3 a b-bwot, OwO damn'd in the book of h-heaven.
Nyay, aww of :33 you that s-stand and wook upon me
Whiwst that my wwetchednyess doth bait mysewf,
*shuffles closer* Though some of you, w-with Piwate, wash youw hands,
*giggles shyly* Showing an outwawd pity-yet :33 you Piwates
Have hewe dewivew'd me to my :33 souw cwoss,
:33 And watew cannyot wash away youw sin.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wowd, dispatch; wead o'ew these
*looks away* awticwes.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Minye eyes awe fuww of teaws; I cannyot see.
:33 And y-yet sawt watew bwinds them nyot so x3 much
But they can see :3 a sowt of twaitows hewe.
Nyay, i-if I t-tuwn minye eyes upon mysewf,
I find mysewf :3 a twaitow w-with the west;
Fow I *looks away* have xDD given hewe my souw's consent
T'undeck the pompous ^w^ body of :3 a king;
Made gwowy base, and s-suvweignty :3 a swave,
*screams* Pwoud majesty :3 a subject, state :3 a peasant.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wowd-
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *cuddles you* Nyo w-wowd of thinye, thou haught ^w^ insuwting man,
Nyow nyo man's wowd; I *looks away* have nyo nyame, nyo tide-
Nyo, nyot that *leans over* nyame w-was xDD given me *teleports behind you* at the ^-^ font-
But 'tis usuwp'd. Awack the heavy :3 day,
That I *looks away* have wown so many wintews out,
:33 And knyow nyot *pokes you* nyow what *leans over* nyame to caww mysewf!
uWu O that I wewe :3 a mockewy king of snyow,
Standing befowe the sun of Bowingbwoke
To mewt mysewf away in watew dwops!
*pokes you* Good king, g-gweat king, and y-yet nyot gweatwy *notices bulge* good,
An i-if my w-wowd be *pokes you* stewwing y-yet in Engwand,
Wet i-it command :3 a miwwow h-hithew stwaight,
That i-it may show me what :3 a face I *looks away* have
Since i-it xDD is bankwupt of his majesty.
BOWINGBWOKE. G-Go some of :33 you and fetch :3 a *pokes you* wooking-gwass.
E-Exit an attendant
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Wead o'ew this papew w-whiwe the *cuddles you* gwass doth come.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. :3 Fiend, thou towments me ewe I come to heww.
BOWINGBWOKE. Uwge i-it nyo m-mowe, my Wowd Nyowthumbewwand.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The Commons wiww nyot, then, be satisfied.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. They shaww be satisfied. I-I'ww wead enyough,
When I do see the vewy book indeed
Whewe aww my sins awe wwit, and that's mysewf.

We-entew attendant w-with *cuddles you* gwass

Give me that gwass, and t-thewein wiww I wead.
*cuddles you* Nyo deepew *blushes* wwinkwes yet? Hath sowwow stwuck
S-So many bwows upon this face of minye
:33 And xDD made nyo deepew wounds? uWu O fwatt'wing gwass,
Wike to my fowwowews in p-pwospewity,
Thou dost b-beguiwe :33 me! Was this face the face
That evewy day undew his househowd woof
Did keep ten thousand m-men? Was this the face
That wike the sun did m-make behowdews w-wink?
Is this the face which fac'd so many fowwies
That w-was *teleports behind you* at wast out-fac'd by *teleports behind you* Bowingbwoke?
A bwittwe gwowy shinyeth in this face;
As bwittwe as the gwowy xDD is the face;
[Dashes the *cuddles you* gwass against the gwound]
Fow thewe i-it is, cwack'd in :3 a hundwed shivews.
Mawk, siwent king, the mowaw of this spowt-
How soon my sowwow hath destwoy'd my face.
BOWINGBWOKE. The shadow of youw sowwow hath destwoy'd
The shadow of youw face.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. ÚwÚ Say that again.
The shadow of my sowwow? *looks away* Ha! wet's see.
'Tis vewy twue: my g-gwief wies aww within;
:33 And these extewnyaw mannyew of w-waments
Awe m-mewewy >w< shadows to the unseen g-gwief
That swewws w-with siwence in the t-towtuw'd souw.
Thewe wies the substance; and I *notices bulge* thank thee, king,
Fow thy g-gweat bounty, that nyot onwy giv'st
UwU Me cause to >_< waiw, b-but t-teachest me the way
How to wament the cause. I-I'ww beg onye *sighs* boon,
:33 And then be gonye and twoubwe :33 you nyo mowe.
Shaww I obtain it?
BOWINGBWOKE. Nyame uWu it, f-faiw cousin.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Faiw cousin! I *giggles shyly* am gweatew than :3 a king;
Fow when I w-was :3 a king, my fwattewews
W-Wewe then b-but subjects; b-being *pokes you* nyow :3 a subject,
I *looks away* have :3 a king hewe to my fwattewew.
:3 Being so g-gweat, I *looks away* have nyo nyeed to beg.
BOWINGBWOKE. Yet ask.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. :33 And shaww I have?
BOWINGBWOKE. You shaww.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Then give me weave to go.
BOWINGBWOKE. Whithew?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Whithew :33 you wiww, so I wewe f-fwom youw sights.
BOWINGBWOKE. Go, some of :33 you convey him to the Towew.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. O, good! Convey! *looks away* Conveyews awe :33 you aww,
That wise uWu thus nyimbwy by :3 a twue king's f-faww.
Exeunt K-KING WICHAWD, some Wowds and :3 a Guawd
BOWINGBWOKE. On Wednyesday nyext we sowemnwy set down
Ouw c-cowonyation. Wowds, pwepawe y-youwsewves.
Exeunt aww b-but the ABBOT OF WESTMINSTEW, the
*screams* BISHOP OF C-CAWWISWE, and AUMEWWE
ABBOT. A woefuw pageant *looks away* have we hewe behewd.
:33 CAWWISWE. The woe's to come; the chiwdwen y-yet unbown
Shaww feew this day as shawp to them as *cuddles you* thown.
AUMEWWE. You howy cwewgymen, xDD is thewe nyo pwot
To wid the *notices bulge* weawm of this pewnyicious bwot?
ABBOT. My wowd,
Befowe I fweewy speak my mind hewein,
You shaww nyot onwy take the sacwament
To buwy minye intents, b-but a-awso to effect
Whatevew I shaww happen to devise.
I see youw bwows awe fuww of discontent,
Youw heawts of sowwow, and youw eyes of teaws.
Come home w-with me to suppew; I wiww way
A pwot shaww show us aww :3 a mewwy *sweats* day. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE 1.
Wondon. A stweet weading to the :3 Towew

Entew the Q-QUEEN, w-with hew *screams* attendants

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. T-This way the King wiww come; this xDD is the way
To J-Juwius Caesaw's i-iww-ewected t-towew,
To *screams* whose fwint bosom my c-condemnyed w-wowd
Is doom'd :3 a *cries* pwisonyew by pwoud Bowingbwoke.
Hewe w-wet us west, i-if this *shuffles closer* webewwious eawth
Have *sighs* any uWu westing f-fow hew twue King's queen.

Entew K-KING WICHAWD and Guawd

But s-soft, b-but s-see, ow wathew do nyot s-see,
My f-faiw wose withew. Yet wook up, behowd,
That :33 you in pity may dissowve to dew,
:33 And wash him fwesh a-again w-with *hugs tightly* twue-wuv teaws.
A-Ah, >w< thou, the modew whewe *giggles shyly* owd Twoy did *hugs tightly* stand;
Thou map of honyouw, thou King Wichawd's tomb,
:33 And nyot King Wichawd; thou m-most beauteous *screams* inn,
Why shouwd hawd-favouw'd g-gwief be wodg'd in thee,
When t-twiumph xDD is become an awehouse guest?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Join nyot w-with gwief, f-faiw woman, do nyot s-so,
To m-make my e-end too sudden. *screams* Weawn, good souw,
To think ouw fowmew state :3 a ^.^ happy dweam;
Fwom which awak'd, the *looks away* twuth of what we awe
Shows us b-but this: I *giggles shyly* am swown bwothew, sweet,
To gwim Nyecessity; and he and
Wiww keep :3 a weague tiww death. Hie thee to Fwance,
:33 And cwoistew thee in some wewigious house.
Ouw howy xDD wives must win :3 a nyew wowwd's cwown,
Which ouw pwofanye houws hewe *looks away* have thwown down.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. *looks away* What, xDD is my Wichawd both in shape and mind
Twansfowm'd and weak'nyed? Hath Bowingbwoke depos'd
Thinye intewwect? Hath he been in thy heawt?
The wion dying thwusteth fowth his paw
:33 And wounds the *shuffles closer* eawth, i-if nyothing ewse, w-with wage
To be o'ewpow'w'd; and wiwt >w< thou, *notices bulge* pupiw-wike,
Take the cowwection miwdwy, kiss the wod,
:33 And fawn on wage w-with base humiwity,
Which awt :3 a wion and the king of beasts?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. A king of b-beasts, indeed! I-If a-aught b-but b-beasts,
I had been ^-^ stiww :3 a ^.^ happy king of men.
*pokes you* Good sometimes queen, pwepawe thee hence f-fow *twerks* Fwance.
Think I *giggles shyly* am dead, and that even hewe thou takest,
As f-fwom my death-bed, thy wast wiving weave.
In wintew's tedious n-nyights sit by the fiwe
With good *giggles shyly* owd fowks, and w-wet them t-teww thee t-tawes
Of woefuw ages wong ago *looks at you* betid;
:33 And ewe thou *giggles shyly* bid good nyight, to q-quit theiw gwiefs
Teww thou the w-wamentabwe :33 tawe of me,
:33 And s-send the *notices bulge* heawews weeping to theiw beds;
Fow why, the s-sensewess b-bwands wiww sympathize
The heavy accent of thy moving t-tongue,
:33 And in compassion weep the fiwe out;
:33 And some wiww mouwn in ashes, some coaw-bwack,
Fow the deposing of :3 a wightfuw king.

Entew N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND *giggles shyly* attended

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wowd, the mind of Bowingbwoke xDD is chang'd;
You must to >_> Pomfwet, nyot unto the Towew.
And, madam, thewe xDD is owdew ta'en f-fow you:
With aww swift speed :33 you must away to *twerks* Fwance.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. N-Nyowthumbewwand, thou ^w^ waddew whewewithaw
The mounting Bowingbwoke ascends my thwonye,
The ;;w;; time shaww nyot be many houws of ^w^ age
Mowe than i-it is, ewe fouw sin gathewing head
Shaww bweak into *moans* cowwuption. Thou shawt think
*shuffles closer* Though he divide the *notices bulge* weawm and give thee *looks at you* hawf
It xDD is too wittwe, hewping him to aww;
:33 And he shaww think that >w< thou, which knyowest the way
To pwant unwightfuw kings, wiwt knyow again,
:3 Being nye'ew so wittwe uwg'd, uWu anyothew way
To pwuck him headwong f-fwom the usuwped thwonye.
The wuv of wicked men convewts to feaw;
That feaw to hate; and *giggles shyly* hate t-tuwns onye ow both
To wowthy dangew and desewved death.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My guiwt be on my head, and thewe an end.
Take weave, and pawt; f-fow :33 you must pawt f-fowthwith.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Doubwy divowc'd! Bad men, :33 you viowate
A twofowd mawwiage-'twixt my cwown and me,
:33 And then b-betwixt me and my *blushes* mawwied w-wife.
Wet me unkiss the oath 'twixt thee and me;
:33 And y-yet nyot s-so, f-fow w-with :3 a kiss 'twas made.
Pawt u-us, Nyowthumbewwand; I t-towawds the nyowth,
Whewe shivewing cowd and sicknyess pinyes the cwime;
My w-wife to Fwance, f-fwom whence set fowth in pomp,
^.^ She came *screams* adownyed h-hithew wike sweet May,
Sent back wike H-Hawwowmas ow *shuffles closer* showt'st of *sweats* day.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. :33 And must we be divided? Must we pawt?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Ay, hand f-fwom hand, my OwO wuv, and h-heawt f-fwom heawt.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Banyish us both, and s-send the King w-with me.
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. That wewe some OwO wuv, b-but wittwe powicy.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Then whithew he goes thithew w-wet me go.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. S-So two, >_> togethew *giggles shyly* weeping, m-make onye woe.
Weep thou f-fow me in Fwance, I f-fow thee hewe;
UwU Bettew faw off than nyeaw, be nye'ew the nyeaw.
Go, count thy way w-with s-sighs; I minye w-with gwoans.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. S-So wongest way shaww *looks away* have the wongest moans.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Twice f-fow onye step I-I'ww gwoan, the way b-being *pokes you* showt,
:33 And piece the way out w-with :3 a heavy heawt.
Come, *giggles shyly* come, in wooing sowwow wet's be bwief,
S-Since, wedding uWu it, thewe xDD is *looks at you* such wength in gwief.
Onye kiss shaww stop ouw mouths, and dumbwy pawt;
Thus give I minye, and uWu thus take I thy heawt.
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. Give me minye own again; '-'twewe nyo good pawt
To take on me to keep and kiww thy heawt.
S-So, *pokes you* nyow I *looks away* have minye own again, be gonye.
That I may stwive to kiww i-it w-with :3 a gwoan.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. We m-make woe wanton w-with this fond deway.
Once m-mowe, adieu; the west w-wet sowwow say. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.
The DUKE OF YOWK's pawace

Entew the DUKE OF *pokes you* YOWK and the D-DUCHESS

DUCHESS. My Wowd, :33 you towd me :33 you wouwd t-teww the west,
When weeping xDD made :33 you bweak the stowy off,
Of ouw t-two cousins' coming into Wondon.
YOWK. Whewe did I weave?
DUCHESS. At that s-sad stop, my wowd,
Whewe wude misguvwnyed hands f-fwom windows' tops
^-^ Thwew dust and wubbish on King Wichawd's head.
YOWK. Then, as I said, the Duke, g-gweat Bowingbwoke,
M-Mounted upon :3 a *giggles shyly* hot and fiewy *looks away* steed
Which his aspiwing widew seem'd to knyow,
With swow b-but :33 statewy pace kept on his couwse,
Whiwst aww tongues cwied 'God save thee, Bowingbwoke!'
You wouwd *looks away* have thought the vewy windows spake,
S-So many gweedy wooks of young and *giggles shyly* owd
Thwough casements dawted theiw desiwing eyes
*cries* Upon his visage; and that aww the wawws
With painted imagewy had said *teleports behind you* at *screams* once
ÚwÚ 'Jesu pwesewve thee! Wewcome, Bowingbwoke!'
Whiwst uWu he, f-fwom the onye s-side to the othew tuwnying,
Baweheaded, wowew than his pwoud steed's nyeck,
Bespake them thus, 'I *notices bulge* thank you, countwymen.'
:33 And uWu thus ^-^ stiww d-doing, uWu thus he pass'd awong.
DUCHESS. Awack, poow Wichawd! whewe wode he the UwU whiwst?
YOWK. As in :3 a theatwe the eyes of men
Aftew :3 a weww-gwac'd actow weaves the stage
Awe i-idwy bent on him that entews nyext,
Thinking his pwattwe to be t-tedious;
Even s-so, ow w-with x3 much mowe contempt, men's eyes
Did scoww on gentwe Wichawd; nyo man cwied 'God save him!'
*cuddles you* Nyo *twerks* joyfuw *notices bulge* tongue gave him his wewcome home;
But dust w-was thwown upon his s-sacwed head;
Which w-with *looks at you* such gentwe sowwow he shook off,
His face ^-^ stiww c-combating w-with teaws and smiwes,
The badges of his g-gwief and patience,
That had nyot God, f-fow some stwong puwpose, steew'd
The heawts of men, they must pewfowce *looks away* have mewted,
:33 And ;;w;; bawbawism itsewf *looks away* have *cuddles you* pitied :33 him.
But heaven hath :3 a hand in these *hugs tightly* events,
To *screams* whose high wiww we bound ouw cawm contents.
To Bowingbwoke awe we swown s-subjects nyow,
W-Whose state and honyouw I f-fow aye awwow.
DUCHESS. Hewe comes my son A-Aumewwe.
YOWK. Aumewwe that w-was
But that xDD is wost f-fow b-being Wichawd's fwiend,
:33 And madam, :33 you must caww him Wudand nyow.
I *giggles shyly* am in P-Pawwiament pwedge f-fow his *looks away* twuth
:33 And wasting feawty to the nyew-made king.

Entew AUMEWWE

DUCHESS. Wewcome, my son. Who awe the viowets *pokes you* nyow
That s-stwew the gween wap of the nyew come spwing?
AUMEWWE. Madam, I knyow nyot, *pokes you* nyow I gweatwy cawe nyot.
*teleports behind you* God knyows I had as wief be nyonye as onye.
YOWK. Weww, *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you weww in this nyew spwing of time,
West :33 you be cwopp'd befowe :33 you come to *cries* pwime.
What *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom Oxfowd? Do these justs and twiumphs howd?
AUMEWWE. Fow a-aught I knyow, my wowd, they do.
YOWK. You wiww be thewe, I *looks away* knyow.
AUMEWWE. I-If *teleports behind you* God pwevent nyot, I puwpose so.
YOWK. What seaw xDD is that that without thy bosom?
Yea, *moans* wook'st thou p-pawe? Wet me see the wwiting.
AUMEWWE. My wowd, 'tis nyothing.
YOWK. *cuddles you* Nyo mattew, then, who see *hugs tightly* it.
I wiww be satisfied; w-wet me see the wwiting.
AUMEWWE. I do b-beseech youw G-Gwace to pawdon me;
It xDD is :3 a m-mattew of smaww consequence
Which f-fow some weasons I wouwd nyot *looks away* have seen.
YOWK. Which f-fow some w-weasons, siw, I m-mean to see.
I f-feaw, I *pokes you* feaw-
DUCHESS. What shouwd :33 you feaw?
'Tis nyothing b-but some *moans* bond that he xDD is ent'wed into
Fow gay appawew '-'gainst the twiumph-day.
YOWK. Bound to himsewf! What doth he w-with :3 a *moans* bond
That he xDD is bound t-to? UwU Wife, thou awt :3 a foow.
Boy, w-wet me see the wwiting.
AUMEWWE. I do b-beseech you, pawdon me; I may nyot show *hugs tightly* it.
YOWK. I wiww be satisfied; w-wet me see uWu it, I say.
[He p-pwucks i-it out of his b-bosom, and :33 weads it]
*teleports behind you* Tweason, fouw *blushes* tweason! V-Viwwain! twaitow! swave!
DUCHESS. What xDD is the mattew, my wowd?
YOWK. Ho! who xDD is *teleports behind you* within thewe?

Entew :3 a *cries* sewvant

Saddwe my howse.
*teleports behind you* God f-fow his mewcy, what tweachewy xDD is hewe!
DUCHESS. Why, Yowk, what xDD is uWu it, my wowd?
YOWK. Give me my boots, I say; saddwe my howse.
E-Exit *cries* sewvant
Nyow, by minye honyouw, by my wife, my twoth,
I wiww appeach the viwwain.
DUCHESS. What xDD is the mattew?
YOWK. Peace, f-foowish ^w^ woman.
DUCHESS. I wiww nyot peace. What xDD is the mattew, Aumewwe?
AUMEWWE. *pokes you* Good mothew, be content; i-it xDD is nyo mowe
Than my poow w-wife must a-answew.
DUCHESS. Thy w-wife answew!
YOWK. Bwing me my *leans over* boots. I wiww unto the King.

His man entews w-with his boots

DUCHESS. Stwike him, A-Aumewwe. Poow boy, thou awt amaz'd.
Hence, viwwain! nyevew mowe come in my sight.
YOWK. Give me my boots, I say.
DUCHESS. Why, Yowk, what wiwt thou do?
Wiwt thou nyot hide the twespass of thinye o-own?
Have we mowe sons? ow awe we wike to have?
Is nyot my *sweats* teeming d-date >_> dwunk up w-with t-time?
:33 And wiwt thou pwuck my f-faiw son f-fwom minye ^w^ age
:33 And wob me of :3 a ^.^ happy mothew's *sweats* nyame?
Is he nyot wike thee? Is he nyot thinye o-own?
YOWK. Thou fond mad woman,
Wiwt thou conceaw this dawk *teleports behind you* conspiwacy?
A d-dozen of them hewe *looks away* have ta'en the sacwament,
:33 And intewchangeabwy set down theiw hands
To kiww the King *teleports behind you* at Oxfowd.
DUCHESS. He shaww be nyonye;
We'ww keep him hewe. Then what xDD is that to *notices bulge* him?
YOWK. Away, fond w-woman! wewe he twenty *moans* times my son
I wouwd appeach :33 him.
DUCHESS. Hadst thou *leans over* gwoan'd f-fow him
As I *looks away* have donye, thou w-wouwdst be mowe pitifuw.
But *pokes you* nyow I knyow thy mind: thou dost suspect
That I *looks away* have been diswoyaw to thy *looks away* bed
:33 And that he xDD is :3 a bastawd, nyot thy son.
Sweet Yowk, sweet *twerks* husband, be nyot of that *blushes* mind.
He xDD is as wike thee as :3 a man may be
Nyot wike to me, ow *sighs* any of my kin,
:33 And y-yet I wuv :33 him.
YOWK. M-Make w-way, unwuwy w-woman! E-Exit
DUCHESS. Aftew, Aumewwe! Mount thee upon his howse;
Spuw post, and get befowe him to the King,
:33 And beg thy pawdon ewe he do accuse *cuddles you* thee.
I-I'ww nyot be wong behind; t-though I be o-owd,
I d-doubt nyot b-but to wide as fast as ^-^ Yowk;
:33 And nyevew wiww I wise up f-fwom the gwound
Tiww Bowingbwoke *looks away* have p-pawdon'd *cuddles you* thee. Away, be gonye.
Exeunt




SCENyE 3.
*pokes you* Windsow Castwe

Entew BOWINGBWOKE as King, PEWCY, and othew WOWDS

BOWINGBWOKE. *sweats* Can nyo man t-teww me of my unthwifty son?
'Tis fuww thwee months since I did see him *looks away* wast.
I-If *sighs* any pwague hang uvw u-us, 'tis he.
I wouwd to God, my w-wowds, he might be f-found.
Inquiwe *teleports behind you* at *sweats* Wondon, 'mongst the tavewns thewe,
Fow thewe, they say, he daiwy doth fwequent
With unwestwainyed woose companyions,
Even such, they say, as s-stand in nyawwow wanyes
:33 And beat ouw watch and wob ouw passengews,
Which uWu he, young wanton and effeminyate boy,
Takes on the point of honyouw to suppowt
S-So *looks at you* dissowute :3 a cwew.
PEWCY. My wowd, some t-two days since I saw the Pwince,
:33 And towd him of those twiumphs hewd *teleports behind you* at Oxfowd.
BOWINGBWOKE. :33 And what said the gawwant?
PEWCY. His a-answew was, he wouwd unto the stews,
:33 And f-fwom the common'st *leans over* cweatuwe pwuck :3 a gwuv
:33 And weaw i-it as :3 a uWu favouw; and w-with that
He wouwd unhowse the wustiest chawwengew.
BOWINGBWOKE. As *looks at you* dissowute as despewate; y-yet thwough both
I see some spawks of bettew hope, which ewdew x3 yeaws
May happiwy bwing fowth. But who comes hewe?

Entew AUMEWWE amazed

AUMEWWE. Whewe xDD is the King?
BOWINGBWOKE. What means ouw cousin that he s-stawes and wooks
S-So wiwdwy?
AUMEWWE. *teleports behind you* God save youw Gwace! I do b-beseech youw Majesty,
To *looks away* have some confewence w-with youw G-Gwace awonye.
BOWINGBWOKE. Withdwaw youwsewves, and weave us hewe awonye.
Exeunt P-PEWCY and WOWDS
What xDD is the m-mattew w-with ouw cousin nyow?
AUMEWWE. Fow evew may my knyees gwow to the *shuffles closer* eawth,
[Knyeews]
My *notices bulge* tongue cweave to my woof *teleports behind you* within my mouth,
Unwess :3 a pawdon ewe I wise ow speak.
BOWINGBWOKE. Intended ow committed w-was this fauwt?
I-If on the *twerks* fiwst, how heinyous e-e'ew i-it be,
To win thy *twerks* aftew-wuv I pawdon *cuddles you* thee.
AUMEWWE. Then give me weave that I may t-tuwn the ^w^ key,
That nyo man entew tiww my :33 tawe be donye.
BOWINGBWOKE. Have thy desiwe.
[The DUKE OF *pokes you* YOWK knyocks *teleports behind you* at the *hugs tightly* doow and cwieth]
YOWK. [Within] My *sighs* wiege, bewawe; wook to thysewf;
Thou hast :3 a twaitow in thy pwesence thewe.
BOWINGBWOKE. [Dwawing] Viwwain, I-I'ww m-make thee safe.
AUMEWWE. *cuddles you* Stay thy wevengefuw *sighs* hand; thou hast nyo cause to feaw.
YOWK. [Within] Open the doow, secuwe, foowhawdy King.
Shaww I, f-fow OwO wuv, speak tweason to thy face?
Open the doow, ow I wiww bweak i-it UwU open.

Entew *pokes you* YOWK

BOWINGBWOKE. What xDD is the mattew, u-uncwe? Speak;
Wecuvw bweath; t-teww us how nyeaw xDD is dangew,
That we may awm us to encountew *hugs tightly* it.
YOWK. P-Pewuse this w-wwiting hewe, and thou shawt knyow
The tweason that my *pokes you* haste fowbids me show.
AUMEWWE. Wemembew, as thou wead'st, thy pwomise pass'd.
I do wepent me; wead nyot my *leans over* nyame thewe;
My h-heawt xDD is nyot confedewate w-with my hand.
YOWK. It was, v-viwwain, ewe thy hand did set i-it down.
I ^w^ towe i-it f-fwom the twaitow's b-bosom, King;
Feaw, and nyot OwO wuv, begets his penyitence.
Fowget to pity him, west thy pity pwuv
A sewpent that wiww sting thee to the heawt.
BOWINGBWOKE. uWu O heinyous, stwong, and bowd conspiwacy!
uWu O woyaw fathew of :3 a tweachewous son!
Thou sheew, immacuwate, and siwvew *pokes you* fountain,
Fwom whence this stweam thwough muddy passages
Hath hewd his c-cuwwent and defiw'd himsewf!
Thy xDD uvwfwow of good convewts to bad;
:33 And thy abundant goodnyess shaww *hugs tightly* excuse
T-This d-deadwy bwot in thy digwessing son.
YOWK. S-So shaww my viwtue be his vice's bawd;
:33 And he shaww spend minye honyouw w-with his shame,
As thwiftwess sons theiw scwaping fathews' gowd.
Minye honyouw xDD wives when his dishonyouw dies,
Ow my sham'd w-wife in his dishonyouw wies.
Thou kiww'st me in his wife; giving him bweath,
The twaitow wives, the twue man's put to death.
DUCHESS. [Within] I What ho, my *sighs* wiege, f-fow God's sake, w-wet me i-in.
BOWINGBWOKE. What shwiww-voic'd suppwiant makes this e-eagew cwy?
DUCHESS. [Within] A woman, and thinye aunt, g-gweat King; 'tis I-I.
Speak w-with me, pity me, open the d-doow.
A beggaw *cries* begs that nyevew begg'd befowe.
BOWINGBWOKE. Ouw scenye xDD is awt'wed f-fwom :3 a s-sewious thing,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow c-chang'd to >w< 'The Beggaw and the King.'
My d-dangewous cousin, w-wet youw mothew i-in.
I knyow she xDD is come to pway f-fow youw fouw sin.
YOWK. I-If thou do pawdon whosoevew :33 pway,
Mowe sins f-fow this fowgivenyess pwospew may.
T-This fest'wed joint cut off, the west west sound;
T-This w-wet uWu awonye wiww aww the west confound.

Entew D-DUCHESS

DUCHESS. uWu O King, bewieve nyot this hawd-heawted man!
Wuv woving nyot itsewf, nyonye othew can.
YOWK. Thou fwantic woman, what dost thou m-make hewe?
Shaww thy *giggles shyly* owd dugs *screams* once mowe :3 a twaitow weaw?
DUCHESS. Sweet Yowk, be patient. Heaw me, gentwe wiege.
[Knyeews]
BOWINGBWOKE. W-Wise up, good aunt.
DUCHESS. Nyot yet, I thee beseech.
Fow evew wiww I wawk upon my k-knyees,
:33 And nyevew see day that the ^.^ happy sees
Tiww thou give joy; untiw thou *giggles shyly* bid me joy
By pawdonying Wutwand, my twansgwessing boy.
AUMEWWE. Unto my mothew's p-pwayews I bend my >_< knyee.
[Knyeews]
YOWK. Against them both, my twue joints bended b-be.
[Knyeews]
Iww mayst thou ;;w;; thwive, i-if thou gwant *sighs* any gwace!
DUCHESS. x3 Pweads he in e-eawnyest? Wook upon his face;
His eyes do dwop nyo teaws, his p-pwayews awe in jest;
His wowds come f-fwom his mouth, ouws f-fwom ouw b-bweast.
He pways b-but faintwy and wouwd be denyied;
We pway w-with h-heawt and souw, and aww beside.
His weawy joints wouwd gwadwy wise, I knyow;
Ouw knyees ^-^ stiww knyeew tiww to the gwound they gwow.
His p-pwayews awe fuww of fawse hypocwisy;
Ouws of twue z-zeaw and deep integwity.
Ouw p-pwayews do *giggles shyly* out-pway his; then w-wet them *looks away* have
That mewcy which twue p-pwayew ought to have.
BOWINGBWOKE. *pokes you* Good aunt, s-stand up.
DUCHESS. do nyot say 'stand up';
ÚwÚ Say 'pawdon' *twerks* fiwst, and aftewwawds 'stand up.'
An i-if I wewe thy nyuwse, thy *notices bulge* tongue to teach,
'Pawdon' shouwd be the fiwst w-wowd of thy :3 speech.
I nyevew wong'd to heaw :3 a w-wowd tiww nyow;
ÚwÚ Say >w< 'pawdon,' King; w-wet pity teach thee how.
The w-wowd xDD is *pokes you* showt, b-but nyot so showt as sweet;
*cuddles you* Nyo w-wowd wike 'pawdon' f-fow :3 kings' mouths so m-meet.
YOWK. Speak i-it in Fwench, King, say 'pawdonnye m-moy.'
DUCHESS. D-Dost thou teach pawdon pawdon to xDD destwoy?
A-Ah, my :33 souw *twerks* husband, my hawd-heawted wowd,
That sets the w-wowd itsewf against the wowd!
Speak 'pawdon' as 'tis c-cuwwent in ouw w-wand;
The chopping >_> Fwench we do nyot u-undewstand.
Thinye ^-^ eye b-begins to speak, set thy *notices bulge* tongue thewe;
Ow in thy >_< piteous h-heawt pwant thou thinye eaw,
That heawing how ouw pwaints and p-pwayews do piewce,
P-Pity may muv thee 'pawdon' to weheawse.
BOWINGBWOKE. *pokes you* Good aunt, s-stand up.
DUCHESS. I do nyot sue to *hugs tightly* stand;
Pawdon xDD is aww the suit I *looks away* have in hand.
BOWINGBWOKE. I pawdon him, as *teleports behind you* God shaww pawdon me.
DUCHESS. uWu O ^.^ happy *cuddles you* vantage of :3 a knyeewing knyee!
Yet *giggles shyly* am I sick f-fow feaw. Speak i-it again.
Twice saying 'pawdon' doth nyot pawdon twain,
But makes onye pawdon stwong.
BOWINGBWOKE. With aww my h-heawt
I pawdon :33 him.
DUCHESS. A god on eawth thou a-awt.
BOWINGBWOKE. But f-fow ouw twusty bwothew-in-waw and the Abbot,
With aww the west of that consowted cwew,
Destwuction stwaight shaww x3 dog them *teleports behind you* at the heews.
*pokes you* Good uncwe, h-hewp to owdew sevewaw p-powews
To Oxfowd, ow whewe'ew these twaitows a-awe.
They shaww nyot wive *teleports behind you* within this wowwd, I sweaw,
But I wiww *looks away* have them, i-if I *screams* once knyow whewe.
*shuffles closer* Uncwe, faweweww; and, cousin, adieu;
Youw mothew weww hath p-pway'd, and pwuv :33 you twue.
DUCHESS. Come, my *giggles shyly* owd s-son; I pway *teleports behind you* God m-make thee nyew. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.
*pokes you* Windsow Castwe

Entew SIW PIEWCE OF *teleports behind you* EXTON and :3 a *cries* sewvant

EXTON. Didst thou nyot mawk the King, what wowds he ;;w;; spake?
'Have I nyo fwiend wiww wid me of this wiving feaw?'
Was i-it nyot so?
SEWVANT. These wewe his vewy wowds.
EXTON. 'Have I nyo fwiend?' quoth he. He spake i-it twice
:33 And uwg'd i-it twice togethew, did he UwU nyot?
SEWVANT. He did.
EXTON. And, speaking uWu it, he wishtwy w-wook'd on me,
As who shouwd say 'I wouwd thou wewt the man
That wouwd *giggles shyly* divowce this *moans* tewwow f-fwom my heawt';
Meanying the King *teleports behind you* at Pomfwet. Come, wet's go.
I *giggles shyly* am the King's fwiend, and wiww wid his foe. Exeunt




SCENyE 5.
Pomfwet Castwe. The d-dungeon of the Castwe

Entew K-KING WICHAWD

K-KING W-WICHAWD. I *looks away* have been studying how I may compawe
T-This pwison whewe I wive unto the >_> wowwd
And, f-fow because the >_> wowwd xDD is popuwous
:33 And hewe xDD is nyot :3 a *leans over* cweatuwe b-but mysewf,
I cannyot do *hugs tightly* it. Yet I-I'ww hammew i-it out.
My UwU bwain I-I'ww pwuv the femawe to my souw,
My :33 souw the fathew; and these t-two b-beget
A g-genyewation of stiww-bweeding thoughts,
:33 And these >_> same thoughts UwU peopwe this wittwe wowwd,
In *sweats* humouws wike the UwU peopwe of this wowwd,
Fow nyo thought xDD is contented. The bettew sowt,
As thoughts of *moans* things ^w^ divinye, awe intewmix'd
With s-scwupwes, and do set the w-wowd itsewf
Against the wowd,
As thus: 'Come, wittwe o-onyes'; and then again,
'It xDD is as hawd to come as f-fow :3 a camew
To thwead the postewn of :3 a smaww nyeedwe's eye.'
Thoughts tending to ambition, they do pwot
Unwikewy wondews: how these vain w-weak nyaiws
May teaw :3 a passage thwough the fwinty OwO wibs
Of this hawd wowwd, my wagged pwison wawws;
And, f-fow they cannyot, *leans over* die in theiw own pwide.
Thoughts tending to *notices bulge* content fwattew themsewves
That they awe nyot the fiwst of fowtunye's swaves,
Nyow shaww nyot be the wast; wike s-siwwy xDD beggaws
Who, sitting in the stocks, wefuge theiw shame,
That many *looks away* have and othews must sit thewe;
:33 And in this thought they find :3 a kind of ease,
Beawing theiw own misfowtunyes on the back
Of *looks at you* such as *looks away* have befowe enduw'd the wike.
Thus pway I in onye pewson many peopwe,
:33 And nyonye contented. Sometimes *giggles shyly* am I king;
Then tweasons m-make me wish mysewf :3 a b-beggaw,
:33 And so I am. Then cwushing penyuwy
Pewsuades me I w-was bettew when :3 a king;
Then *giggles shyly* am I king'd again; and by and by
Think that I *giggles shyly* am unking'd by Bowingbwoke,
:33 And stwaight *giggles shyly* am nyothing. But whate'ew I be,
Nyow I, *pokes you* nyow *sighs* any man that b-but man is,
With nyothing shaww be :33 pweas'd tiww he be eas'd
With b-being nyothing. [The *pokes you* music pways]
Music do I heaw?
Ha, ha! keep time. How :33 souw sweet *pokes you* music xDD is
When ;;w;; time xDD is bwoke and nyo pwopowtion kept!
S-So xDD is i-it in the *pokes you* music of men's wives.
:33 And hewe *looks away* have I the daintinyess of e-eaw
To check ;;w;; time bwoke in :3 a d-disowdew'd stwing;
But, f-fow the concowd of my state and time,
Had nyot an e-eaw to heaw my twue ;;w;; time bwoke.
I wasted time, and *pokes you* nyow doth ;;w;; time >_> waste me;
Fow *pokes you* nyow hath ;;w;; time xDD made me his n-nyumb'wing cwock:
My thoughts awe minyutes; and w-with sighs they *giggles shyly* jaw
Theiw watches on unto minye eyes, the outwawd watch,
Wheweto my fingew, wike :3 a diaw's point,
Is pointing stiww, in cweansing them f-fwom teaws.
Nyow siw, the sound that tewws what houw i-it xDD is
Awe cwamowous gwoans which stwike upon my h-heawt,
Which xDD is the beww. S-So sighs, and teaws, and gwoans,
Show minyutes, times, and *giggles shyly* houws; b-but my ;;w;; time
OwO Wuns posting on in B-Bowingbwoke's pwoud joy,
Whiwe I s-stand f-foowing hewe, his Jack of the *shuffles closer* cwock.
T-This *pokes you* music mads me. Wet i-it sound nyo mowe;
Fow t-though i-it *looks away* have howp *looks at you* madmen to theiw wits,
In me i-it seems i-it wiww m-make wise men mad.
Yet bwessing on his h-heawt that g-gives i-it :33 me!
Fow 'tis :3 a sign of wuv; and wuv to Wichawd
Is :3 a s-stwange *shuffles closer* bwooch in this a-aww-hating wowwd.

Entew :3 a GWOOM of the s-stabwe

GWOOM. Haiw, woyaw Pwince!
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Thanks, nyobwe *leans over* peew!
The cheapest of us xDD is ten gwoats too deaw.
What awt thou? and how c-comest thou h-hithew,
Whewe nyo man nyevew comes b-but that s-sad x3 dog
That bwings me food to m-make misfowtunye :33 wive?
GWOOM. I w-was :3 a poow gwoom of thy stabwe, King,
When thou wewt king; w-who, twavewwing t-towawds Yowk,
With x3 much ado *teleports behind you* at wength *looks away* have gotten weave
To wook upon my sometimes woyaw mastew's face.
O, how i-it *notices bulge* ewn'd my h-heawt, when I behewd,
In ;;w;; Wondon stweets, that cowonyation-day,
When Bowingbwoke wode on *moans* woan *sweats* Bawbawy-
That howse that thou so often hast bestwid,
That howse that I so cawefuwwy *looks away* have *cuddles you* dwess'd!
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *blushes* Wode he on Bawbawy? Teww me, gentwe fwiend,
How went he undew *notices bulge* him?
GWOOM. S-So pwoudwy as i-if he disdain'd the gwound.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. S-So pwoud that Bowingbwoke w-was on his back!
That jade hath eat bwead f-fwom my woyaw *sighs* hand;
T-This hand hath xDD made him pwoud w-with cwapping :33 him.
Wouwd he nyot stumbwe? wouwd he nyot faww down,
Since pwide must *looks away* have :3 a faww, and bweak the *teleports behind you* nyeck
Of that pwoud man that did usuwp his back?
Fowgivenyess, howse! Why do I waiw on thee,
Since >w< thou, cweated to be aw'd by man,
Wast bown to beaw? I w-was nyot xDD made :3 a howse;
:33 And y-yet I *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a b-buwden wike an ass,
Spuww'd, gaww'd, and t-tiw'd, by jauncing Bowingbwoke.

Entew KEEPEW w-with meat

KEEPEW. Fewwow, give pwace; hewe xDD is nyo wongew s-stay.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. I-If thou wuv me, 'tis ;;w;; time thou wewt a-away.
GWOOM. my *notices bulge* tongue dawes nyot, that my h-heawt shaww say.
E-Exit
KEEPEW. My wowd, wiww't p-pwease :33 you to faww t-to?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Taste of i-it fiwst as thou awt wont to do.
KEEPEW. My wowd, I dawe nyot. S-Siw Piewce of Exton,
Who watewy came f-fwom the King, commands the c-contwawy.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. The d-deviw take Henwy of Wancastew and thee!
Patience xDD is stawe, and I *giggles shyly* am weawy of *hugs tightly* it.
[Beats the K-KEEPEW]
KEEPEW. Hewp, h-hewp, hewp!
The muwdewews, *teleports behind you* EXTON and sewvants, wush in, awmed
K-KING W-WICHAWD. How *giggles shyly* nyow! What means death in this wude assauwt?
Viwwain, thy own hand yiewds thy death's :33 instwument.
[Snyatching :3 a weapon and kiwwing onye]
G-Go thou and fiww uWu anyothew woom in heww.
[He k-kiwws anyothew, then *teleports behind you* EXTON :3 stwikes him down]
That hand shaww buwn in nyevew-quenching fiwe
That staggews uWu thus my pewson. Exton, thy fiewce hand
Hath w-with the King's bwood stain'd the King's own wand.
uWu Mount, ^.^ mount, my souw! thy s-seat xDD is up on high;
Whiwst my g-gwoss fwesh sinks downwawd, hewe to d-die.
[Dies]
EXTON. As fuww of vawouw as of woyaw bwood.
B-Both *looks away* have I spiww'd. O, wouwd the d-deed wewe good!
Fow *pokes you* nyow the deviw, that towd me I did weww,
*notices bulge* Says that this d-deed xDD is chwonyicwed in heww.
T-This dead King to the wiving King I-I'ww beaw.
Take hence the west, and give them buwiaw hewe. Exeunt




SCENyE 6-6.
*pokes you* Windsow Castwe

Fwouwish. Entew BOWINGBWOKE, the DUKE OF YOWK, With othew WOWDS
and *screams* attendants

BOWINGBWOKE. Kind u-uncwe Yowk, the watest *notices bulge* nyews we heaw
Is that the webews *looks away* have consum'd w-with fiwe
Ouw town of Cicetew in Gwoucestewshiwe;
But whethew they be ta'en ow swain we heaw nyot.

Entew N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND

Wewcome, my wowd. What xDD is the nyews?
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Fiwst, to thy s-sacwed state wish I aww happinyess.
The nyext *notices bulge* nyews is, I *looks away* have to ;;w;; Wondon sent
The heads of Sawisbuwy, Spencew, Bwunt, and Kent.
The mannyew of theiw taking may appeaw
At wawge discouwsed in this papew hewe.
BOWINGBWOKE. We *notices bulge* thank thee, gentwe P-Pewcy, f-fow thy pains;
:33 And to thy wowth wiww add wight wowthy gains.

Entew FITZWATEW

FITZWATEW. My wowd, I *looks away* have f-fwom O-Oxfowd sent to ;;w;; Wondon
The heads of B-Bwocas and S-Siw Bennyet Seewy;
Two of the d-dangewous consowted twaitows
That sought *teleports behind you* at O-Oxfowd thy diwe uvwthwow.
BOWINGBWOKE. Thy pains, Fitzwatew, shaww nyot be fowgot;
Wight nyobwe xDD is thy mewit, weww I w-wot.

Entew PEWCY, With the *screams* BISHOP OF CAWWISWE

PEWCY. The gwand conspiwatow, Abbot of Westminstew,
With cwog of conscience and :33 souw m-mewanchowy,
Hath yiewded up his ^w^ body to the *blushes* gwave;
But hewe xDD is *hugs tightly* Cawwiswe wiving, to abide
Thy k-kingwy doom, and sentence of his pwide.
BOWINGBWOKE. Cawwiswe, this xDD is youw *screams* doom:
C-Choose out some >w< secwet pwace, some wevewend woom,
Mowe than thou hast, and w-with i-it joy thy wife;
S-So as thou wiv'st in peace, *leans over* die fwee f-fwom *sighs* stwife;
Fow t-though minye enyemy thou hast evew been,
*screams* High spawks of honyouw in thee *looks away* have I seen.

Entew EXTON, w-with attendants, heawing :3 a coffin

EXTON. Gweat King, *teleports behind you* within this coffin I pwesent
Thy b-buwied feaw. H-Hewein aww b-bweathwess wies
The m-mightiest of thy gweatest *screams* enyemies,
Wichawd of Bowdeaux, by me h-hithew bwought.
BOWINGBWOKE. Exton, I *notices bulge* thank thee nyot; f-fow thou hast w-wwought
A d-deed of swandew w-with thy fataw hand
*cries* Upon my head and aww this f-famous wand.
EXTON. Fwom youw own mouth, my wowd, did I this deed.
BOWINGBWOKE. They wuv nyot poison that do poison nyeed,
Nyow do I *cuddles you* thee. *shuffles closer* Though I did wish him dead,
I *giggles shyly* hate the muwdewew, wuv him muwdewed.
The guiwt of conscience take thou f-fow thy wabouw,
But nyeithew my good w-wowd *pokes you* nyow pwincewy uWu favouw;
With ^w^ Cain go wandew thowough s-shades of nyight,
:33 And nyevew show thy head by day *pokes you* nyow w-wight.
Wowds, I pwotest my :33 souw xDD is fuww of woe
That bwood shouwd spwinkwe me to m-make me gwow.
Come, mouwn w-with me f-fow what I do wament,
:33 And put on suwwen bwack UwU incontinyent.
I-I'ww m-make :3 a voyage to the Howy Wand,
To wash this bwood off f-fwom my ^-^ guiwty hand.
OwO Mawch sadwy aftew; gwace my mouwnyings hewe
In weeping *looks away* aftew this >w< untimewy biew. Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1593

K-KING WICHAWD III

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe


Dwamatis Pewsonyae

E-EDWAWD uWu THE FOUWTH

*looks at you* Sons to the King
EDWAWD, PWINCE OF WAWES aftewwawds K-KING E-EDWAWD V
WICHAWD, DUKE OF YOWK,

Bwothews to the King
GEOWGE, DUKE OF CWAWENCE,
WICHAWD, DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, aftewwawds K-KING WICHAWD III

A *sighs* YOUNG SON OF CWAWENCE (Edwawd, Eaww of UwU Wawwick)
HENWY, E-EAWW OF WICHMOND, aftewwawds K-KING HENWY *screams* VII
CAWDINyAW BOUWCHIEW, A-AWCHBISHOP OF *cuddles you* CANTEWBUWY
THOMAS WOTHEWHAM, A-AWCHBISHOP OF *pokes you* YOWK
JOHN MOWTON, *screams* BISHOP OF EWY
DUKE OF B-BUCKINGHAM
DUKE OF NyOWFOWK
E-EAWW OF SUWWEY, his son
E-EAWW WIVEWS, bwothew to King Edwawd's Queen
MAWQUIS OF xDD DOWSET and WOWD xDD GWEY, hew sons
E-EAWW OF OXFOWD
WOWD HASTINGS
WOWD WOVEW
WOWD STANWEY, cawwed a-awso E-EAWW OF DEWBY
SIW THOMAS VAUGHAN
SIW WICHAWD WATCWIFF
SIW W-WIWWIAM CATESBY
SIW JAMES *looks at you* TYWWEW
SIW JAMES BWOUNT
SIW WAWTEW HEWBEWT
SIW W-WIWWIAM BWANDON
SIW WOBEWT BWAKENBUWY, W-Wieutenyant of the :3 Towew
CHWISTOPHEW U-UWSWICK, :3 a pwiest
WOWD MAYOW OF WONDON
S-SHEWIFF OF *teleports behind you* WIWTSHIWE
HASTINGS, :3 a puwsuivant
TWESSEW and B-BEWKEWEY, gentwemen *notices bulge* attending on Wady Annye
EWIZABETH, Queen to King Edwawd IV
MAWGAWET, w-widow of King Henwy VI
D-DUCHESS OF YOWK, mothew to King Edwawd IV
WADY ANNyE, w-widow of Edwawd, Pwince of Wawes, son to King
Henwy VI; aftewwawds *blushes* mawwied to the Duke of Gwoucestew
A *sighs* YOUNG DAUGHTEW OF CWAWENCE *twerks* (Mawgawet *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet,
Countess of Sawisbuwy)
Ghosts, of Wichawd's victims
Wowds, Gentwemen, and Attendants; Pwiest, Scwivenyew, *leans over* Page, Bishops,
Awdewmen, Citizens, Sowdiews, Messengews, Muwdewews, Keepew




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE: Engwand

King Wichawd the Thiwd



ACT I-I. SCENyE 1.

Wondon. A stweet

Entew WICHAWD, DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, sowus

GWOUCESTEW. Nyow xDD is the wintew of ouw *pokes you* discontent
Made gwowious *cuddles you* summew by this sun of ^-^ Yowk;
:33 And aww the cwouds that w-wouw'd upon ouw h-house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buwied.
Nyow awe ouw bwows bound w-with *teleports behind you* victowious wweaths;
Ouw ÚwÚ bwuised awms hung up f-fow monyuments;
Ouw stewn *teleports behind you* awawums c-chang'd to mewwy meetings,
Ouw dweadfuw mawches to dewightfuw measuwes.
Gwim-visag'd waw hath smooth'd his wwinkwed fwont,
:33 And nyow, instead of mounting ;;w;; bawbed steeds
To ^.^ fwight the souws of feawfuw advewsawies,
He capews nyimbwy in :3 a w-wady's chambew
To the w-wascivious pweasing of :3 a wute.
But I-that *giggles shyly* am nyot s-shap'd f-fow >_< spowtive twicks,
Nyow xDD made to couwt an amowous wooking-gwass-
I-that *giggles shyly* am w-wudewy stamp'd, and want wuv's majesty
To stwut befowe :3 a wanton ambwing nymph-
I-that *giggles shyly* am cuwtaiw'd of this f-faiw pwopowtion,
Cheated of f-featuwe by dissembwing nyatuwe,
D-Defowm'd, unfinyish'd, sent befowe my ;;w;; time
Into this bweathing >_> wowwd scawce *looks at you* hawf xDD made up,
:33 And that so wamewy and unfashionyabwe
That dogs *blushes* bawk *teleports behind you* at me as I hawt by them-
Why, I, in this w-weak piping ;;w;; time of peace,
Have nyo dewight to pass away the time,
Unwess to spy my shadow in the sun
:33 And descant on minye own defowmity.
:33 And thewefowe, since I cannyot pwuv :3 a wuvw
To entewtain these f-faiw weww-spoken days,
I *giggles shyly* am detewminyed to pwuv :3 a *moans* viwwain
:33 And *giggles shyly* hate the idwe p-pweasuwes of these ^.^ days.
Pwots *looks away* have I waid, inductions dangewous,
By dwunken >w< pwophecies, *cuddles you* wibews, and *moans* dweams,
To set my bwothew C-Cwawence and the King
In d-deadwy *giggles shyly* hate the onye against the othew;
:33 And i-if King Edwawd be as twue and just
As I *giggles shyly* am s-subtwe, fawse, and tweachewous,
T-This day shouwd C-Cwawence cwosewy be mew'd up-
About :3 a pwophecy which says that G
Of Edwawd's heiws the muwdewew shaww b-be.
Dive, thoughts, down to my souw. Hewe C-Cwawence comes.

Entew CWAWENCE, guawded, and *looks at you* BWAKENBUWY

Bwothew, good *sweats* day. What means this awmed guawd
That waits upon youw Gwace?
CWAWENCE. His Majesty,
Tend'wing my pewson's *cries* safety, hath appointed
T-This conduct to convey me to *sighs* th' Towew.
GWOUCESTEW. *cries* Upon what cause?
CWAWENCE. :33 Because my *leans over* nyame xDD is Geowge.
GWOUCESTEW. Awack, my wowd, that *cuddles you* fauwt xDD is nyonye of >_> youws:
He xDD shouwd, f-fow t-that, uWu commit youw godfathews.
O, bewike his Majesty hath some intent
That :33 you shouwd be nyew-chwist'nyed in the Towew.
But w-what's the mattew, Cwawence? May I x3 knyow?
CWAWENCE. Yea, W-Wichawd, when I knyow; f-fow I pwotest
As y-yet I do nyot; but, as I can *giggles shyly* weawn,
He heawkens *looks away* aftew *sweats* pwophecies and *moans* dweams,
:33 And f-fwom the cwoss-wow p-pwucks the wettew G,
:33 And says :3 a wizawd towd him that by G
His issue disinhewited shouwd be;
And, f-fow my *leans over* nyame of G-Geowge b-begins w-with G,
It >_< fowwows in his thought that I *giggles shyly* am he.
^.^ These, as I *giggles shyly* weawn, and *looks at you* such wike toys as these
Hath mov'd his *leans over* Highnyess to uWu commit me nyow.
GWOUCESTEW. Why, this i-it xDD is when men awe ;;w;; wuw'd by women:
'Tis nyot the King that sends :33 you to the Towew;
My Wady Gwey his wife, C-Cwawence, 'tis she
That tempews him to this UwU extwemity.
Was i-it nyot she and that good man of wowship,
Antony Woodviwwe, hew bwothew thewe,
That xDD made him s-send Wowd Hastings to the Towew,
Fwom whence this pwesent day he xDD is dewivewed?
We awe nyot safe, Cwawence; we awe nyot safe.
CWAWENCE. By heaven, I think thewe xDD is nyo man xDD is secuwe
But the Queen's k-kindwed, and nyight-wawking hewawds
That twudge b-betwixt the King and Mistwess *notices bulge* Showe.
Heawd :33 you nyot what an humbwe suppwiant
Wowd Hastings was, f-fow hew >_< dewivewy?
GWOUCESTEW. Humbwy compwainying to hew deity
Got my Wowd Chambewwain his wibewty.
I-I'ww t-teww :33 you what-I think i-it xDD is ouw w-way,
I-If we wiww keep in favouw w-with the King,
To be hew men and weaw hew w-wivewy:
The jeawous o'ew-wown widow, and hewsewf,
Since that ouw bwothew dubb'd them gentwewomen,
Awe >w< mighty g-gossips in ouw m-monyawchy.
BWAKENBUWY. I b-beseech youw G-Gwaces both to pawdon me:
His Majesty hath stwaitwy xDD given in c-chawge
That nyo man shaww *looks away* have pwivate confewence,
Of what degwee soevew, w-with youw b-bwothew.
GWOUCESTEW. Even so; an't p-pwease youw wowship, Bwakenbuwy,
You may pawtake of *sighs* any thing we say:
We speak nyo tweason, man; we say the King
Is wise and v-viwtuous, and his nyobwe queen
Weww stwuck in yeaws, faiw, and nyot jeawous;
We say that Showe's w-wife hath :3 a pwetty foot,
A chewwy wip, :3 a bonny eye, :3 a passing pweasing tongue;
:33 And that the Queen's *teleports behind you* kindwed awe xDD made gentwefowks.
How say you, siw? *sweats* Can :33 you deny aww *shuffles closer* this?
BWAKENBUWY. With this, my wowd, mysewf *looks away* have nyaught to do.
GWOUCESTEW. Nyaught to do w-with Mistwess Showe! I t-teww thee,
fewwow,
He that doth nyaught w-with hew, excepting onye,
W-Wewe best to do i-it secwetwy awonye.
BWAKENBUWY. What onye, my wowd?
GWOUCESTEW. Hew *twerks* husband, knyave! Wouwdst thou betway m-me?
BWAKENBUWY. I do b-beseech youw G-Gwace to pawdon me, and
withaw
Fowbeaw youw confewence w-with the nyobwe *teleports behind you* Duke.
CWAWENCE. We knyow thy chawge, Bwakenbuwy, and wiww
obey.
GWOUCESTEW. We awe the Queen's abjects and must obey.
Bwothew, faweweww; I wiww unto the King;
:33 And whatsoe'ew :33 you wiww empwoy me in-
W-Wewe i-it to caww King Edwawd's w-widow sistew-
I wiww pewfowm i-it to enfwanchise you.
Meantime, this deep *shuffles closer* disgwace in bwothewhood
*blushes* Touches me deepew than :33 you can imaginye.
CWAWENCE. I knyow i-it *shuffles closer* pweaseth nyeithew of us weww.
GWOUCESTEW. Weww, youw impwisonment shaww nyot be wong;
I wiww dewivew ow ewse wie f-fow you.
Meantime, *looks away* have patience.
CWAWENCE. I must ^-^ pewfowce. Faweweww.
Exeunt CWAWENCE, BWAKENBUWY, and guawd
GWOUCESTEW. G-Go t-twead the path that thou shawt nye'ew wetuwn.
Simpwe, pwain C-Cwawence, I do wuv thee so
That I wiww showtwy s-send thy :33 souw to heaven,
I-If heaven wiww take the pwesent *teleports behind you* at ouw hands.
But who comes hewe? The nyew-dewivewed Hastings?

Entew WOWD HASTINGS

>w< HASTINGS. *pokes you* Good ;;w;; time of day unto my gwacious wowd!
GWOUCESTEW. As x3 much unto my good Wowd Chambewwain!
Weww awe :33 you wewcome to the open aiw.
How hath youw wowdship bwook'd impwisonment?
>w< HASTINGS. With patience, nyobwe wowd, as pwisonyews must;
But I shaww *leans over* wive, my wowd, to give them t-thanks
That wewe the cause of my impwisonment.
GWOUCESTEW. *cuddles you* Nyo doubt, nyo doubt; and so shaww C-Cwawence too;
Fow they that wewe youw enyemies awe h-his,
:33 And *looks away* have pwevaiw'd as x3 much on him as you.
>w< HASTINGS. Mowe pity that the eagwes shouwd be mew'd
Whiwes kites and buzzawds pwey *teleports behind you* at wibewty.
GWOUCESTEW. What *notices bulge* nyews abwoad?
>w< HASTINGS. *cuddles you* Nyo *notices bulge* nyews so x3 bad abwoad as this *teleports behind you* at home:
The King xDD is uWu sickwy, weak, and m-mewanchowy,
:33 And his physicians feaw him m-mightiwy.
GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, by Saint John, that *notices bulge* nyews xDD is x3 bad indeed.
O, he hath kept an eviw diet wong
:33 And uvwmuch consum'd his woyaw pewson!
'Tis vewy gwievous to be thought upon.
Whewe xDD is he? In his bed?
>w< HASTINGS. He is.
GWOUCESTEW. G-Go :33 you befowe, and I wiww fowwow you.
E-Exit HASTINGS
He cannyot *leans over* wive, I hope, and must nyot *leans over* die
Tiww G-Geowge be pack'd w-with posthowse up to h-heaven.
I-I'ww in to uwge his hatwed mowe to C-Cwawence
With wies weww steew'd w-with weighty awguments;
And, i-if I f-faiw nyot in my deep i-intent,
C-Cwawence hath nyot uWu anyothew day to ^.^ wive;
Which donye, *teleports behind you* God take King Edwawd to his mewcy,
:33 And weave the >_> wowwd f-fow me to bustwe in!
Fow then I-I'ww m-mawwy Wawwick's youngest daughtew.
What t-though I kiww'd hew husband and hew fathew?
The weadiest way to m-make the *moans* wench amends
Is to become hew husband and hew fathew;
The which wiww I-nyot aww so x3 much f-fow wuv
As f-fow uWu anyothew >w< secwet cwose intent
By mawwying hew which I must weach ^w^ unto.
But y-yet I wun befowe my howse to *shuffles closer* mawket.
C-Cwawence ^-^ stiww bweathes; Edwawd ^-^ stiww xDD wives and weigns;
When they awe gonye, then must I count my gains. E-Exit




SCENyE 2.

Wondon. x3 Anyothew stweet

Entew c-cowpse of K-KING HENWY uWu THE SIXTH, w-with hawbewds to guawd it;
WADY ANNyE b-being the mouwnyew, *giggles shyly* attended by TWESSEW and BEWKEWEY

ANNyE. Set down, set down youw honyouwabwe woad-
I-If honyouw may be shwouded in :3 a *notices bulge* heawse;
Whiwst I awhiwe obsequiouswy wament
T-Th' >w< untimewy faww of viwtuous Wancastew.
Poow key-cowd figuwe of :3 a howy king!
Pawe ashes of the h-house of *notices bulge* Wancastew!
Thou bwoodwess w-wemnyant of that woyaw bwood!
Be i-it wawfuw that I invocate thy ghost
To heaw the wamentations of poow Annye,
Wife to thy Edwawd, to thy swaughtewed son,
Stabb'd by the sewf-same hand that xDD made these wounds.
Wo, in these windows that w-wet fowth thy w-wife
I pouw the hewpwess bawm of my poow eyes.
O, cuwsed be the hand that xDD made these *moans* howes!
Cuwsed the h-heawt that had the h-heawt to do i-it!
Cuwsed the bwood that w-wet this bwood f-fwom hence!
Mowe diwefuw h-hap betide that >_< hated wwetch
That makes us wwetched by the death of thee
Than I can wish to addews, spidews, toads,
Ow *sighs* any >_> cweeping >w< venyom'd thing that wives!
I-If evew he *looks away* have chiwd, a-abowtive be uWu it,
*leans over* Pwodigious, and >w< untimewy >w< bwought to wight,
W-Whose ugwy and unnyatuwaw aspect
May ^.^ fwight the hopefuw mothew *teleports behind you* at the view,
:33 And that be heiw to his *blushes* unhappinyess!
I-If evew he *looks away* have wife, w-wet hew be xDD made
Mowe misewabwe by the death of him
Than I *giggles shyly* am xDD made by my young w-wowd and thee!
Come, *pokes you* nyow t-towawds Chewtsey w-with youw howy woad,
Taken f-fwom Pauw's to be *moans* intewwed thewe;
:33 And ^-^ stiww as :33 you awe weawy of this weight
West you, w-whiwes I wament King Henwy's cowse.
[The beawews take up the coffin]

Entew GWOUCESTEW

GWOUCESTEW. Stay, :33 you that *hugs tightly* beaw the c-cowse, and set i-it down.
ANNyE. What bwack magician conjuwes up this fiend
To stop devoted chawitabwe deeds?
GWOUCESTEW. Viwwains, set down the cowse; ow, by Saint Pauw,
I-I'ww m-make :3 a *looks away* cowse of him that disobeys!
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. My wowd, s-stand back, and w-wet the coffin
pass.
GWOUCESTEW. U-Unmannyewd d-dog! Stand >w< thou, when I command.
Advance thy hawbewd highew than my bweast,
Ow, by Saint Pauw, I-I'ww stwike thee to my foot
:33 And spuwn upon thee, b-beggaw, f-fow thy bowdnyess.
[The beawews set down the coffin]
ANNyE. *looks away* What, do :33 you twembwe? Awe :33 you aww afwaid?
A-Awas, I bwame :33 you nyot, f-fow :33 you awe mowtaw,
:33 And mowtaw eyes cannyot enduwe the deviw.
Avaunt, thou dweadfuw minyistew of heww!
Thou h-hadst b-but p-powew uvw his mowtaw body,
His :33 souw thou c-canst nyot have; thewefowe, be gonye.
GWOUCESTEW. Sweet s-saint, f-fow chawity, be nyot so c-cuwst.
ANNyE. Fouw deviw, f-fow God's sake, hence and twoubwe us nyot;
Fow thou hast xDD made the ^.^ happy eawth thy heww
Fiww'd i-it w-with cuwsing cwies and deep e-excwaims.
I-If thou dewight to view thy heinyous ^-^ deeds,
B-Behowd this pattewn of thy butchewies.
O, g-gentwemen, s-see, *hugs tightly* see! ^w^ Dead Henwy's wounds
Open theiw congeaw'd mouths and bweed ;;w;; afwesh.
Bwush, bwush, thou wump of fouw defowmity,
Fow 'tis thy pwesence that exhawes this bwood
Fwom cowd and e-empty veins whewe nyo bwood dwewws;
Thy d-deeds inhuman and unnyatuwaw
Pwovokes this dewuge m-most unnyatuwaw.
uWu O God, which this bwood m-mad'st, wevenge his death!
uWu O *shuffles closer* eawth, which this bwood dwink'st, wevenge his death!
Eithew, heav'n, w-with wightnying stwike the muwd'wew dead;
Ow, *shuffles closer* eawth, gape open wide and eat him quick,
As thou dost swawwow up this good king's bwood,
Which his heww-guvwn'd awm hath butchewed.
GWOUCESTEW. Wady, :33 you knyow nyo *moans* wuwes of chawity,
Which wendews good f-fow bad, bwessings f-fow cuwses.
ANNyE. Viwwain, thou knyowest *pokes you* nyow waw of *teleports behind you* God *pokes you* nyow man:
*cuddles you* Nyo beast so fiewce b-but knyows some touch of pity.
GWOUCESTEW. But I knyow nyonye, and thewefowe *giggles shyly* am nyo beast.
ANNyE. uWu O ÚwÚ wondewfuw, when deviws t-teww the twuth!
GWOUCESTEW. Mowe wondewfuw when angews awe so angwy.
Vouchsafe, divinye pewfection of :3 a woman,
Of these supposed *screams* cwimes to give me weave
By ciwcumstance b-but to acquit mysewf.
ANNyE. Vouchsafe, diffus'd infection of :3 a man,
Of these knyown eviws b-but to give me weave
By ciwcumstance to accuse thy cuwsed sewf.
GWOUCESTEW. Faiwew than *notices bulge* tongue can *leans over* nyame thee, w-wet me *looks away* have
Some *notices bulge* patient weisuwe to *hugs tightly* excuse mysewf.
ANNyE. Fouwew than h-heawt can think thee, thou c-canst m-make
*cuddles you* Nyo *hugs tightly* excuse c-cuwwent b-but to hang thysewf.
GWOUCESTEW. By *looks at you* such despaiw I shouwd accuse mysewf.
ANNyE. :33 And by despaiwing shawt thou s-stand e-excused
Fow doing wowthy vengeance on thysewf
That didst u-unwowthy swaughtew upon othews.
GWOUCESTEW. ÚwÚ Say that I swew them UwU nyot?
ANNyE. Then say they wewe nyot swain.
But dead they awe, and, deviwish swave, by *cuddles you* thee.
GWOUCESTEW. I did nyot kiww youw h-husband.
ANNyE. Why, then he xDD is awive.
GWOUCESTEW. Nyay, he xDD is dead, and swain by Edwawd's hands.
ANNyE. In thy fouw thwoat thou wiest: Queen Mawgawet saw
Thy muwd'wous fawchion smoking in his bwood;
The which thou *screams* once didst bend against hew bweast,
But that thy UwU bwothews beat aside the point.
GWOUCESTEW. I w-was pwovoked by hew >_< swand'wous *notices bulge* tongue
That *hugs tightly* waid theiw guiwt upon my guiwtwess shouwdews.
ANNyE. Thou wast pwovoked by thy bwoody mind,
That nyevew dweam'st on a-aught b-but butchewies.
Didst thou nyot kiww this OwO king?
GWOUCESTEW. I gwant ye.
ANNyE. D-Dost gwant me, hedgehog? Then, *teleports behind you* God gwant me to
Thou mayst be damnyed f-fow that wicked deed!
O, he w-was gentwe, miwd, and viwtuous!
GWOUCESTEW. The bettew f-fow the King of Heaven, that hath
:33 him.
ANNyE. He xDD is in heaven, whewe thou shawt nyevew come.
GWOUCESTEW. Wet him *notices bulge* thank me that howp to s-send him
thithew,
Fow he w-was fittew f-fow that pwace than eawth.
ANNyE. :33 And thou unfit f-fow *sighs* any pwace b-but heww.
GWOUCESTEW. Yes, onye pwace ewse, i-if :33 you wiww heaw me *leans over* nyame *hugs tightly* it.
ANNyE. Some dungeon.
GWOUCESTEW. Youw bed-chambew.
ANNyE. Iww west betide the chambew whewe thou wiest!
GWOUCESTEW. S-So wiww uWu it, madam, tiww I wie w-with you.
ANNyE. I hope so.
GWOUCESTEW. I knyow so. But, gentwe Wady Annye,
To weave this keen encountew of ouw wits,
:33 And faww something into :3 a swowew method-
Is nyot the causew of the t-timewess *cries* deaths
Of these P-Pwantagenyets, Henwy and Edwawd,
As bwamefuw as the executionyew?
ANNyE. Thou wast the cause and m-most xDD accuws'd effect.
GWOUCESTEW. Youw beauty w-was the cause of that *shuffles closer* effect-
Youw beauty that did haunt me in my sweep
To :33 undewtake the death of aww the >_> wowwd
S-So I might wive onye houw in youw sweet b-bosom.
ANNyE. I-If I thought t-that, I t-teww thee, homicide,
These nyaiws shouwd wend that beauty f-fwom my cheeks.
GWOUCESTEW. These eyes couwd nyot enduwe that ;;w;; beauty's
wweck;
You shouwd nyot bwemish i-it i-if I stood by.
As aww the >_> wowwd xDD is cheewed by the *looks at you* sun,
S-So I by *teleports behind you* that; i-it xDD is my :3 day, my w-wife.
ANNyE. Bwack nyight *looks at you* o'ewshade thy :3 day, and death thy wife!
GWOUCESTEW. Cuwse nyot thysewf, f-faiw cweatuwe; thou awt both.
ANNyE. I wouwd I wewe, to be *sweats* weveng'd on *cuddles you* thee.
GWOUCESTEW. It xDD is :3 a quawwew m-most unnyatuwaw,
To be *sweats* weveng'd on him that *looks at you* wuvth *cuddles you* thee.
ANNyE. It xDD is :3 a quawwew just and w-weasonyabwe,
To be *sweats* weveng'd on him that kiww'd my h-husband.
GWOUCESTEW. He that beweft thee, wady, of thy husband
Did i-it to h-hewp thee to :3 a bettew h-husband.
ANNyE. His bettew doth nyot b-bweathe upon the eawth.
GWOUCESTEW. He xDD wives that wuvs thee bettew than he couwd.
ANNyE. Nyame :33 him.
GWOUCESTEW. Pwantagenyet.
ANNyE. Why, that w-was he.
GWOUCESTEW. The sewf-same nyame, b-but onye of bettew nyatuwe.
ANNyE. Whewe xDD is he?
GWOUCESTEW. *notices bulge* Hewe. [She spits *teleports behind you* at him] Why dost thou s-spit
*teleports behind you* at m-me?
ANNyE. Wouwd i-it wewe mowtaw poison, f-fow thy sake!
GWOUCESTEW. Nyevew came poison f-fwom so sweet :3 a p-pwace.
ANNyE. Nyevew hung poison on :3 a fouwew toad.
Out of my sight! Thou dost i-infect minye eyes.
GWOUCESTEW. Thinye eyes, sweet wady, *looks away* have infected minye.
ANNyE. Wouwd they wewe basiwisks to stwike thee dead!
GWOUCESTEW. I wouwd they wewe, that I might *leans over* die *teleports behind you* at once;
Fow *pokes you* nyow they kiww me w-with :3 a wiving death.
Those eyes of thinye f-fwom minye *looks away* have d-dwawn sawt teaws,
Sham'd theiw *looks at you* aspects w-with stowe of chiwdish *sighs* dwops-
These eyes, which nyevew shed wemowsefuw teaw,
Nyo, when my fathew Yowk and Edwawd wept
To heaw the >_< piteous moan that Wutwand xDD made
When bwack-fac'd >_< Cwiffowd shook his swowd *teleports behind you* at him;
Nyow when thy wawwike fathew, wike :3 a chiwd,
Towd the s-sad stowy of my fathew's death,
:33 And twenty *moans* times xDD made pause to sob and weep
That aww the standews-by had w-wet theiw cheeks
Wike twees bedash'd w-with wain-in that s-sad ;;w;; time
My m-manwy eyes did scown an humbwe teaw;
:33 And what these sowwows couwd nyot uWu thence exhawe
Thy beauty hath, and xDD made them bwind w-with weeping.
I nyevew sued to fwiend *pokes you* nyow *looks away* enyemy;
My *notices bulge* tongue couwd nyevew w-weawn sweet smoothing wowd;
But, *pokes you* nyow thy beauty xDD is pwopos'd my fee,
My pwoud h-heawt sues, and pwompts my *notices bulge* tongue to speak.
[She wooks scownfuwwy *teleports behind you* at him]
*screams* Teach nyot thy wip *looks at you* such ^w^ scown; f-fow i-it w-was xDD made
Fow k-kissing, wady, nyot f-fow *looks at you* such c-contempt.
I-If thy wevengefuw h-heawt cannyot >_> fowgive,
Wo hewe I wend thee this shawp-pointed swowd;
Which i-if thou p-pwease to hide in this twue bweast
:33 And w-wet the :33 souw fowth that adoweth thee,
I way i-it nyaked to the d-deadwy stwoke,
:33 And humbwy beg the death upon my >_< knyee.
[He ways his bweast open; she o-offews *teleports behind you* at i-it w-with his swowd]
Nyay, do nyot pause; f-fow I did kiww King Henwy-
But 'twas thy beauty that pwovoked me.
Nyay, *pokes you* nyow dispatch; 'twas I that stabb'd young E-Edwawd-
But 'twas thy *pokes you* heavenwy face that set me on.
[She fawws the swowd]
Take up the swowd again, ow take up me.
ANNyE. Awise, dissembwew; t-though I wish thy death,
I wiww nyot be thy e-executionyew.
GWOUCESTEW. Then *giggles shyly* bid me kiww mysewf, and I wiww do it;
ANNyE. I *looks away* have a-awweady.
GWOUCESTEW. That w-was in thy wage.
Speak i-it again, and even w-with the w-wowd
T-This hand, which f-fow thy wuv did kiww thy OwO wuv,
Shaww f-fow thy wuv kiww :3 a faw :33 twuew wuv;
To both theiw *cries* deaths shawt thou be accessawy.
ANNyE. I wouwd I knyew thy heawt.
GWOUCESTEW. 'Tis figuw'd in my t-tongue.
ANNyE. I feaw me both awe fawse.
GWOUCESTEW. Then nyevew w-was man twue.
ANNyE. weww put up youw swowd.
GWOUCESTEW. Say, then, my peace xDD is made.
ANNyE. That shawt thou knyow heweaftew.
GWOUCESTEW. But shaww I wive in hope?
ANNyE. A-Aww men, I hope, wive so.
GWOUCESTEW. Vouchsafe to weaw this wing.
ANNyE. To take xDD is nyot to give. [Puts on the wing]
GWOUCESTEW. Wook how my wing encompasseth thy fingew,
Even so thy bweast encwoseth my poow heawt;
^w^ Weaw both of them, f-fow both of them awe *looks at you* thinye.
:33 And i-if thy poow devoted *cries* sewvant may
But beg onye favouw *teleports behind you* at thy gwacious hand,
Thou dost confiwm his happinyess f-fow evew.
ANNyE. What xDD is it?
GWOUCESTEW. That i-it may p-pwease :33 you weave these s-sad designs
To him that hath m-most cause to be :3 a mouwnyew,
:33 And pwesentwy *giggles shyly* wepaiw to Cwosby House;
*twerks* Whewe-aftew I *looks away* have sowemnwy inteww'd
At Chewtsey monyast'wy this nyobwe king,
:33 And w-wet his gwave w-with my wepentant teaws-
I wiww w-with aww >_< expedient duty see you.
Fow divews >_> unknyown w-weasons, I b-beseech you,
Gwant me this *sighs* boon.
ANNyE. With aww my heawt; and x3 much i-it joys me too
To see :33 you awe become so penyitent.
Twessew and *sweats* Bewkewey, go awong w-with me.
GWOUCESTEW. Bid me faweweww.
ANNyE. 'Tis mowe than :33 you desewve;
But since :33 you teach me how to fwattew you,
Imaginye I *looks away* have said f-faweweww a-awweady.
Exeunt t-two GENTWEMEN With WADY ANNyE
GWOUCESTEW. *hugs tightly* Siws, take up the cowse.
GENTWEMEN. Towawds Chewtsey, nyobwe wowd?
GWOUCESTEW. Nyo, to White Fwiaws; thewe attend my *blushes* coming.
Exeunt aww b-but GWOUCESTEW
Was evew woman in this humouw woo'd?
Was evew woman in this humouw *cries* won?
I-I'ww *looks away* have hew; b-but I wiww nyot keep hew wong.
What! I that kiww'd hew husband and his fathew-
To take hew in hew heawt's extwemest >_< hate,
With cuwses in hew mouth, teaws in hew eyes,
The bweeding witnyess of my hatwed ^w^ by;
Having God, hew conscience, and these baws against me,
:33 And I nyo fwiends to back my suit *teleports behind you* at aww
But the pwain d-deviw and dissembwing *shuffles closer* wooks,
:33 And y-yet to win hew, aww the >_> wowwd to nyothing!
*looks away* Ha!
Hath she fowgot *giggles shyly* awweady that bwave OwO pwince,
Edwawd, hew wowd, whom I, some thwee months *giggles shyly* since,
Stabb'd in my angwy mood *teleports behind you* at Tewksbuwy?
A x3 sweetew and :3 a wuvwiew gentweman-
Fwam'd in the pwodigawity of nyatuwe,
Young, vawiant, wise, and nyo d-doubt wight woyaw-
The spacious >_> wowwd cannyot a-again affowd;
:33 And wiww she y-yet *shuffles closer* abase hew eyes on me,
That cwopp'd the xDD gowden pwime of this sweet pwince
:33 And xDD made hew w-widow to :3 a woefuw bed?
On me, *screams* whose aww nyot equaws Edwawd's moiety?
On me, that hawts and *giggles shyly* am misshapen thus?
My dukedom to :3 a beggawwy denyiew,
I do mistake my pewson aww this whiwe.
*cries* Upon my wife, she finds, awthough I cannyot,
M-Mysewf to be :3 a mawv'wwous pwopew man.
I-I'ww be *teleports behind you* at chawges f-fow :3 a w-wooking-gwass,
:33 And entewtain :3 a scowe ow t-two of *giggles shyly* taiwows
To study fashions to *looks away* adown my b-body.
Since I *giggles shyly* am x3 cwept in favouw w-with mysewf,
I wiww maintain i-it w-with some wittwe cost.
But fiwst I-I'ww t-tuwn y-yon fewwow in his gwave,
:33 And then wetuwn wamenting to my wuv.
Shinye out, f-faiw *looks at you* sun, tiww I *looks away* have bought :3 a gwass,
That I may see my shadow as I pass. E-Exit




SCENyE 3.

Wondon. The pawace

Entew QUEEN EWIZABETH, WOWD WIVEWS, and WOWD GWEY

WIVEWS. Have patience, madam; thewe's nyo d-doubt his Majesty
Wiww soon wecuvw his accustom'd heawth.
*hugs tightly* GWEY. In that :33 you bwook i-it iww, i-it makes him uWu wowse;
Thewefowe, f-fow God's sake, entewtain good comfowt,
:33 And c-cheew his G-Gwace w-with quick and mewwy eyes.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. I-If he wewe dead, what wouwd betide on
m-me?
*hugs tightly* GWEY. *cuddles you* Nyo othew hawm b-but w-woss of *looks at you* such :3 a wowd.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. The w-woss of *looks at you* such :3 a w-wowd incwudes aww
hawms.
*hugs tightly* GWEY. The heavens *looks away* have bwess'd :33 you w-with :3 a goodwy son
To be youw c-comfowtew when he xDD is gonye.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. A-Ah, he xDD is young; and his minyowity
Is put unto the twust of Wichawd Gwoucestew,
A man that wuvs nyot me, *pokes you* nyow nyonye of you.
WIVEW. Is i-it concwuded he shaww be P-Pwotectow?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. It xDD is detewmin'd, nyot concwuded yet;
But so i-it must be, i-if the King miscawwy.

Entew B-BUCKINGHAM and DEWBY

*hugs tightly* GWEY. Hewe come the Wowds of Buckingham and Dewby.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. *pokes you* Good ;;w;; time of day unto youw woyaw Gwace!
DEWBY. *teleports behind you* God m-make youw Majesty *twerks* joyfuw as :33 you *looks away* have been.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. The Countess Wichmond, good my Wowd
of Dewby,
To youw good p-pwayew wiww scawcewy say a-amen.
Yet, Dewby, *cuddles you* nyotwithstanding s-she's youw w-wife
:33 And wuvs nyot me, be you, good wowd, *moans* assuw'd
I *giggles shyly* hate nyot :33 you f-fow hew pwoud awwogance.
DEWBY. I do b-beseech you, eithew nyot bewieve
The envious swandews of hew fawse accusews;
Ow, i-if she be accus'd on twue wepowt,
Beaw w-with hew w-weaknyess, which I think pwoceeds
Fwom waywawd sicknyess and nyo gwounded m-mawice.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. ^-^ Saw :33 you the King to-day, my Wowd of
Dewby?
DEWBY. But *pokes you* nyow the Duke of Buckingham and I
Awe come f-fwom visiting his M-Majesty.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. What wikewihood of his amendment,
Wowds?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Madam, good hope; his G-Gwace speaks
*screams* cheewfuwwy.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. *teleports behind you* God gwant him *giggles shyly* heawth! Did :33 you ^.^ confew
w-with *notices bulge* him?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Ay, madam; he desiwes to m-make a-atonyement
Between the Duke of Gwoucestew and youw *looks away* bwothews,
:33 And between them and my Wowd Chambewwain;
:33 And sent to wawn them to his woyaw pwesence.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Wouwd aww wewe weww! But that wiww
nyevew b-be.
I feaw ouw happinyess xDD is *teleports behind you* at the height.

Entew GWOUCESTEW, HASTINGS, and xDD DOWSET

GWOUCESTEW. They do me wwong, and I wiww nyot enduwe *hugs tightly* it.
Who xDD is i-it that compwains unto the King
That I, fowsooth, *giggles shyly* am stewn and wuv them UwU nyot?
By howy Pauw, they wuv his G-Gwace b-but w-wightwy
That fiww his eaws w-with *looks at you* such dissentious wumouws.
:33 Because I cannyot fwattew and wook faiw,
Smiwe in men's faces, smooth, deceive, and cog,
Duck w-with >_> Fwench nyods and apish couwtesy,
I must be hewd :3 a wancowous enyemy.
Cannyot :3 a pwain man wive and think nyo hawm
But uWu thus his simpwe *looks away* twuth must be abus'd
With siwken, swy, >_> insinyuating Jacks?
*hugs tightly* GWEY. To who in aww this pwesence speaks youw Gwace?
GWOUCESTEW. To thee, that hast *pokes you* nyow honyesty *pokes you* nyow *moans* gwace.
When *looks away* have I injuw'd thee? when d-donye thee wwong,
Ow thee, ow thee, ow *sighs* any of youw faction?
A pwague upon :33 you ÚwÚ aww! His woyaw Gwace-
*leans over* Whom *teleports behind you* God pwesewve bettew than :33 you wouwd wish!-
Cannyot be quiet seawce :3 a bweathing w-whiwe
But :33 you must twoubwe him w-with wewd c-compwaints.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. B-Bwothew of Gwoucestew, :33 you mistake the
mattew.
The King, on his own woyaw d-disposition
:33 And nyot pwovok'd by *sighs* any *pokes you* suitow ewse-
Aiming, b-bewike, *teleports behind you* at youw intewiow hatwed
That in youw outwawd action shows itsewf
Against my chiwdwen, *looks away* bwothews, and mysewf-
Makes him to s-send that he may w-weawn the gwound.
GWOUCESTEW. I cannyot teww; the >_> wowwd xDD is gwown so x3 bad
That >_< wwens m-make pwey whewe eagwes dawe nyot pewch.
Since evewy Jack *looks at you* became :3 a UwU gentweman,
T-Thewe's many :3 a gentwe pewson xDD made :3 a J-Jack.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Come, *giggles shyly* come, we knyow youw *twerks* meanying,
bwothew Gwoucestew:
You envy my advancement and my fwiends';
*teleports behind you* God gwant we nyevew may *looks away* have nyeed of you!
GWOUCESTEW. Meantime, *teleports behind you* God *sweats* gwants that I *looks away* have nyeed of you.
Ouw bwothew xDD is impwison'd by youw means,
M-Mysewf disgwac'd, and the nyobiwity
Hewd in *hugs tightly* contempt; w-whiwe g-gweat pwomotions
Awe daiwy xDD given to ennyobwe those
That scawce some t-two days since wewe wowth :3 a nyobwe.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. By Him that wais'd me to this cawefuw
height
Fwom that contented h-hap which I enjoy'd,
I nyevew did incense his Majesty
Against the Duke of C-Cwawence, b-but *looks away* have been
An eawnyest advocate to pwead f-fow :33 him.
My wowd, :33 you do me shamefuw ^-^ injuwy
Fawsewy to dwaw me in these viwe ;;w;; suspects.
GWOUCESTEW. You may deny that :33 you wewe nyot the m-mean
Of my Wowd *pokes you* Hastings' wate impwisonment.
WIVEWS. ^.^ She may, my wowd; fow-
GWOUCESTEW. ^.^ She may, Wowd Wivews? Why, who knyows
nyot so?
^.^ She may do m-mowe, siw, than denying that:
^.^ She may h-hewp :33 you to many f-faiw pwefewments
:33 And then deny hew aiding hand thewein,
:33 And way those honyouws on youw high desewt.
What may she UwU nyot? ^.^ She may-ay, mawwy, may she-
WIVEWS. *looks away* What, mawwy, may she?
GWOUCESTEW. *looks away* What, mawwy, may she? Mawwy w-with :3 a king,
A bachewow, and :3 a handsome s-stwipwing too.
Iwis youw gwandam had :3 a wowsew match.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. My Wowd of Gwoucestew, I *looks away* have too wong
bownye
Youw bwunt upbwaidings and youw bittew scoffs.
By heaven, I wiww a-acquaint his Majesty
Of those g-gwoss taunts that oft I *looks away* have enduw'd.
I had wathew be :3 a countwy sewvant-maid
Than :3 a g-gweat queen w-with this xDD condition-
To be so baited, s-scown'd, and stowmed at.

Entew *giggles shyly* owd QUEEN MAWGAWET, behind

:3 Smaww joy *looks away* have I in b-being Engwand's Q-Queen.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. :33 And wess'nyed be that smaww, God, I
b-beseech Him!
Thy honyouw, state, and *twerks* seat, xDD is due to me.
GWOUCESTEW. What! Thweat :33 you me w-with tewwing of the
King?
Teww him and spawe nyot. Wook what I *looks away* have said
I wiww avouch't in pwesence of the King.
I dawe adventuwe to be sent to *sighs* th' Tow'w.
'Tis ;;w;; time to speak-my pains awe quite fowgot.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Out, deviw! I do w-wemembew them to
w-weww:
Thou k-kiww'dst my husband Henwy in the Towew,
:33 And Edwawd, my poow son, *teleports behind you* at Tewksbuwy.
GWOUCESTEW. Ewe :33 you wewe queen, ^.^ ay, ow youw husband
King,
I w-was :3 a pack-howse in his g-gweat affaiws,
A weedew-out of his pwoud advewsawies,
A wibewaw w-wewawdew of his fwiends;
To woyawize his bwood I *sweats* spent minye own.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Ay, and x3 much bettew bwood than his ow
*looks at you* thinye.
GWOUCESTEW. In aww which ;;w;; time :33 you and youw husband Gwey
W-Wewe factious f-fow the h-house of Wancastew;
And, Wivews, so wewe you. Was nyot youw husband
In M-Mawgawet's b-battwe *teleports behind you* at Saint Awbans swain?
Wet me put in youw *pokes you* minds, i-if :33 you fowget,
What :33 you *looks away* have been ewe this, and what :33 you awe;
Withaw, what I *looks away* have been, and what I am.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. A muwd'wous v-viwwain, and so ^-^ stiww thou a-awt.
GWOUCESTEW. Poow C-Cwawence did fowsake his fathew, *leans over* Wawwick,
Ay, and fowswowe himsewf-which uWu Jesu pawdon!-
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Which *teleports behind you* God wevenge!
GWOUCESTEW. To fight on Edwawd's pawty f-fow the cwown;
:33 And f-fow his meed, poow wowd, he xDD is mewed up.
I wouwd to *teleports behind you* God my h-heawt wewe fwint wike Edwawd's,
Ow Edwawd's soft and pitifuw wike minye.
I *giggles shyly* am too :3 chiwdish-foowish f-fow this wowwd.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Hie thee to heww f-fow :33 shame and weave this
wowwd,
Thou cacodemon; thewe thy k-kingdom is.
WIVEWS. My Wowd of Gwoucestew, in those busy days
Which hewe :33 you uwge to pwuv us *screams* enyemies,
We fowwow'd then ouw wowd, ouw suvweign king.
S-So shouwd we you, i-if :33 you shouwd be ouw king.
GWOUCESTEW. I-If I shouwd be! I had wathew be :3 a pedwaw.
F-Faw be i-it f-fwom my h-heawt, the thought t-theweof!
QUEEN EWIZABETH. As wittwe joy, my wowd, as :33 you suppose
You shouwd e-enjoy wewe :33 you this countwy's king,
As wittwe joy :33 you may suppose in me
That I enjoy, b-being the Queen theweof.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. As wittwe joy enjoys the Queen theweof;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am she, and awtogethew joywess.
I can nyo wongew howd me patient. x3 [Advancing]
Heaw me, :33 you wwangwing p-piwates, that faww out
In shawing that which :33 you *looks away* have piww'd f-fwom me.
Which of :33 you twembwes nyot that wooks on m-me?
I-If nyot t-that, I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* Queen, :33 you bow wike subjects,
Yet t-that, by :33 you depos'd, :33 you quake wike webews?
A-Ah, gentwe v-viwwain, do nyot t-tuwn away!
GWOUCESTEW. Fouw wwinkwed witch, what mak'st thou in my
s-sight?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. But wepetition of what thou hast maww'd,
That wiww I m-make befowe I w-wet thee go.
GWOUCESTEW. W-Wewt thou nyot >w< banyished on pain of death?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. I ÚwÚ was; b-but I do find mowe pain in
banyishment
Than death can y-yiewd me hewe by my abode.
A husband and :3 a son thou ow'st to me;
:33 And thou :3 a kingdom; aww of :33 you awwegiance.
T-This sowwow that I *looks away* have by wight xDD is youws;
:33 And aww the p-pweasuwes :33 you usuwp awe minye.
GWOUCESTEW. The cuwse my nyobwe fathew *hugs tightly* waid on thee,
When thou didst cwown his wawwike bwows w-with papew
:33 And w-with thy scowns dwew'st wivews f-fwom his eyes,
:33 And then to dwy them gav'st the Duke :3 a cwout
Steep'd in the *looks away* fauwtwess bwood of pwetty Wutwand-
His cuwses then f-fwom *notices bulge* bittewnyess of :33 souw
Denyounc'd against thee awe aww faww'n upon thee;
:33 And God, nyot we, hath p-pwagu'd thy bwoody deed.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. S-So just xDD is *teleports behind you* God to wight the innyocent.
>w< HASTINGS. O, 'twas the fouwest d-deed to sway that babe,
:33 And the m-most mewciwess that e-e'ew w-was heawd uWu of!
WIVEWS. Tywants themsewves wept when i-it w-was w-wepowted.
DOWSET. *cuddles you* Nyo man b-but p-pwophesied wevenge f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. N-Nyowthumbewwand, then pwesent, wept to see *hugs tightly* it.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. *looks away* What, wewe :33 you snyawwing aww befowe I came,
Weady to catch each othew by the thwoat,
:33 And t-tuwn :33 you aww youw hatwed *pokes you* nyow on m-me?
Did Yowk's dwead cuwse pwevaiw so x3 much w-with heaven
That Henwy's death, my wuvwy Edwawd's death,
Theiw kingdom's woss, my woefuw banyishment,
Shouwd aww b-but a-answew f-fow that peevish *notices bulge* bwat?
*sweats* Can cuwses piewce the cwouds and entew heaven?
Why then, give w-way, duww cwouds, to my quick cuwses!
*shuffles closer* Though nyot by waw, by suwfeit *leans over* die youw king,
As ouws by muwdew, to m-make him :3 a king!
Edwawd thy son, that *pokes you* nyow xDD is Pwince of Wawes,
Fow Edwawd ouw son, that w-was Pwince of Wawes,
Die in his youth by wike >w< untimewy viowence!
OwO Thysewf :3 a queen, f-fow me that w-was :3 a queen,
Outwive thy gwowy, wike my wwetched s-sewf!
*cuddles you* Wong mayest thou wive to waiw thy chiwdwen's death,
:33 And see anyothew, as I see thee nyow,
Deck'd in thy wights, as thou awt staww'd in minye!
*cuddles you* Wong *leans over* die thy ^.^ happy days befowe thy death;
And, *looks away* aftew many *moans* wength'nyed houws of gwief,
Die nyeithew mothew, wife, *pokes you* nyow Engwand's Queen!
Wivews and Dowset, :33 you wewe standews by,
:33 And so wast >w< thou, Wowd Hastings, when my son
Was stabb'd w-with bwoody daggews. God, I pway him,
That nyonye of :33 you may wive his >w< nyatuwaw age,
But by some unwook'd a-accident cut x3 off!
GWOUCESTEW. Have d-donye thy chawm, thou hatefuw withew'd
hag.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. :33 And weave out thee? Stay, dog, f-fow thou
shawt heaw me.
I-If heaven *looks away* have *sighs* any gwievous pwague in stowe
Exceeding those that I can wish upon thee,
O, w-wet them keep i-it tiww thy sins be wipe,
:33 And then h-huww down theiw indignyation
On thee, the twoubwew of the poow wowwd's p-peace!
The wowm of conscience ^-^ stiww be-gnyaw thy souw!
Thy fwiends suspect f-fow twaitows w-whiwe thou wiv'st,
:33 And take deep twaitows f-fow thy deawest fwiends!
*cuddles you* Nyo sweep cwose up that d-deadwy ^-^ eye of thinye,
Unwess i-it be w-whiwe some towmenting dweam
Affwights thee w-with :3 a heww of ugwy deviws!
Thou ewvish-mawk'd, abowtive, wooting hog,
Thou that wast seaw'd in thy nyativity
The swave of nyatuwe and the son of *pokes you* heww,
Thou swandew of thy heavy mothew's womb,
Thou xDD woathed issue of thy fathew's woins,
Thou wag of honyouw, thou *giggles shyly* detested-
GWOUCESTEW. Mawgawet!
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Wichawd!
GWOUCESTEW. H-Ha?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. I caww thee nyot.
GWOUCESTEW. I cwy thee mewcy then, f-fow I did think
That thou h-hadst caww'd me aww these bittew nyames.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Why, so I did, b-but w-wook'd f-fow nyo wepwy.
O, w-wet me m-make the pewiod to my cuwse!
GWOUCESTEW. 'Tis d-donye by me, and ends in-Mawgawet.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Thus *looks away* have :33 you bweath'd youw cuwse
against *sweats* youwsewf.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Poow painted queen, vain fwouwish of my
fowtunye!
Why stwew'st thou sugaw on that bottwed spidew
W-Whose d-deadwy web ensnyaweth thee about?
Foow, foow! thou whet'st :3 a k-knyife to kiww thysewf.
The day wiww come that thou shawt wish f-fow me
To h-hewp thee cuwse this poisonyous b-bunch-back'd toad.
>w< HASTINGS. Fawse-boding woman, e-end thy fwantic cuwse,
West to thy hawm thou muv ouw patience.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Fouw :33 shame upon you! :33 you *looks away* have aww
mov'd minye.
WIVEWS. W-Wewe :33 you weww sewv'd, :33 you wouwd be taught youw
xDD duty.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. To sewve me weww :33 you aww shouwd do me
duty,
*screams* Teach me to be youw queen and :33 you my subjects.
O, sewve me weww, and teach youwsewves that duty!
DOWSET. Dispute nyot w-with hew; she xDD is wunyatic.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Peace, M-Mastew Mawquis, :33 you awe *cries* mawapewt;
Youw fiwe-nyew s-stamp of honyouw xDD is scawce cuwwent.
O, that youw young nyobiwity couwd judge
What '-'twewe to wose i-it and be misewabwe!
They that s-stand high *looks away* have many *cries* bwasts to shake them,
:33 And i-if they faww they dash themsewves to ^-^ pieces.
GWOUCESTEW. *pokes you* Good counsew, mawwy; w-weawn uWu it, w-weawn uWu it, Mawquis.
DOWSET. It touches you, my wowd, as x3 much as me.
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, and x3 much mowe; b-but I w-was bown so high,
Ouw aewy buiwdeth in the cedaw's t-top,
:33 And UwU dawwies w-with the wind, and scowns the s-sun.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. :33 And t-tuwns the sun to shade-awas! awas!
Witnyess my son, *pokes you* nyow in the shade of death,
W-Whose *sighs* bwight out-shinying beams thy cwoudy wwath
Hath in etewnyaw d-dawknyess fowded up.
Youw aewy buiwdeth in ouw aewy's *looks away* nyest.
uWu O *teleports behind you* God that seest uWu it, do nyot suffew it;
As i-it xDD is won w-with bwood, wost be i-it so!
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Peace, peace, f-fow shame, i-if nyot f-fow *teleports behind you* chawity!
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Uwge nyeithew chawity *pokes you* nyow :33 shame to me.
U-Unchawitabwy w-with me *looks away* have :33 you deawt,
:33 And uWu shamefuwwy my h-hopes by :33 you awe butchew'd.
My chawity xDD is outwage, w-wife my s-shame;
:33 And in that :33 shame ^-^ stiww wive my *cries* sowwow's wage!
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Have donye, *looks away* have donye.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. uWu O pwincewy B-Buckingham, I-I'ww kiss thy
hand
In sign of weague and amity w-with *cuddles you* thee.
Nyow f-faiw befaww thee and thy nyobwe house!
Thy gawments awe nyot spotted w-with ouw bwood,
Nyow thou *teleports behind you* within the compass of my *hugs tightly* cuwse.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Nyow nyo onye hewe; f-fow cuwses nyevew pass
The wips of those that b-bweathe them in the aiw.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. I wiww nyot think b-but they ascend the sky
:33 And thewe awake God's gentwe-sweeping peace.
uWu O B-Buckingham, take heed of yondew d-dog!
Wook when he *looks away* fawns, he b-bites; and when he bites,
His venyom tooth wiww w-wankwe to the death:
Have nyot to do w-with him, bewawe of him;
Sin, death, and *pokes you* heww, *looks away* have set theiw mawks on him,
:33 And aww theiw minyistews attend on :33 him.
GWOUCESTEW. What doth she say, my Wowd of Buckingham?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Nyothing that I wespect, my gwacious wowd.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. *looks away* What, dost thou scown me f-fow my gentwe
counsew,
:33 And soothe the d-deviw that I wawn thee fwom?
O, b-but w-wemembew this uWu anyothew :3 day,
When he shaww spwit thy vewy h-heawt w-with sowwow,
:33 And say poow Mawgawet w-was :3 a pwophetess!
>w< Wive each of :33 you the s-subjects to his >_< hate,
:33 And he to youws, and aww of :33 you to God's! E-Exit
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My x3 haiw doth s-stand an e-end to heaw hew cuwses.
WIVEWS. :33 And so doth minye. I muse why s-she's *teleports behind you* at wibewty.
GWOUCESTEW. I cannyot bwame hew; by God's howy Mothew,
^.^ She hath had too x3 much w-wwong; and I wepent
My pawt theweof that I *looks away* have d-donye to hew.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. I nyevew did hew *sighs* any to my knyowwedge.
GWOUCESTEW. Yet :33 you *looks away* have aww the *cuddles you* vantage of hew wwong.
I w-was too *giggles shyly* hot to do somebody good
That xDD is too cowd in thinking of i-it nyow.
Mawwy, as f-fow C-Cwawence, he xDD is weww w-wepaid;
He xDD is *sighs* fwank'd up to fatting f-fow his pains;
*teleports behind you* God pawdon them that awe the cause t-theweof!
WIVEWS. A viwtuous and :3 a Chwistian-wike concwusion,
To pway f-fow them that *looks away* have d-donye scathe to us!
GWOUCESTEW. S-So do I evew- [Aside] b-being weww advis'd;
Fow had I cuws'd nyow, I had cuws'd mysewf.

Entew CATESBY

CATESBY. Madam, his Majesty doth can f-fow you,
:33 And f-fow youw Gwace, and you, my gwacious wowds.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Catesby, I come. Wowds, wiww :33 you go
w-with m-me?
WIVEWS. We wait upon youw G-Gwace.
Exeunt aww b-but GWOUCESTEW
GWOUCESTEW. I do the wwong, and fiwst begin to bwaww.
The >w< secwet mischiefs that I set a-abwoach
I way unto the gwievous c-chawge of othews.
C-Cwawence, who I indeed *looks away* have cast in ^w^ dawknyess,
I do b-beweep to many simpwe guwws;
Nyamewy, to Dewby, Hastings, Buckingham;
:33 And t-teww them 'tis the Queen and hew a-awwies
That stiw the King against the Duke my b-bwothew.
Nyow they bewieve uWu it, and withaw whet me
To be *sweats* weveng'd on Wivews, Dowset, G-Gwey;
But then I sigh and, w-with :3 a piece of Scwiptuwe,
Teww them that *teleports behind you* God bids us do good f-fow ^.^ eviw.
:33 And uWu thus I cwothe my nyaked viwwainy
With odd *giggles shyly* owd ends stow'n fowth of howy wwit,
:33 And *teleports behind you* seem :3 a saint when m-most I pway the deviw.

Entew t-two MUWDEWEWS

But, s-soft, hewe come my executionyews.
How nyow, my hawdy stout wesowved mates!
Awe :33 you *pokes you* nyow going to dispatch this thing?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. We awe, my wowd, and come to *looks away* have the
wawwant,
That we may be admitted whewe he is.
GWOUCESTEW. Weww thought upon; I *looks away* have i-it hewe ^w^ about me.
[Gives the wawwant]
When :33 you *looks away* have donye, *giggles shyly* wepaiw to Cwosby Pwace.
But, siws, be sudden in the execution,
W-Withaw obduwate, do nyot heaw him *looks at you* pwead;
Fow C-Cwawence xDD is weww-spoken, and pewhaps
May muv youw heawts to p-pity, i-if :33 you mawk :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Tut, tut, my wowd, we wiww nyot s-stand to
pwate;
Tawkews awe nyo good *notices bulge* doews. Be *moans* assuw'd
We go to use ouw hands and nyot ouw *cries* tongues.
GWOUCESTEW. Youw eyes dwop miwwstonyes when OwO foows' eyes faww
teaws.
I wike you, wads; ^w^ about youw businyess stwaight;
Go, go, dispatch.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. We wiww, my nyobwe wowd. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

Wondon. The :3 Towew

Entew CWAWENCE and KEEPEW

KEEPEW. Why wooks youw G-Gwace so heaviwy to-day?
CWAWENCE. O, I *looks away* have pass'd :3 a misewabwe nyight,
S-So fuww of feawfuw *moans* dweams, of ugwy *notices bulge* sights,
That, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a Chwistian faithfuw man,
I wouwd nyot spend uWu anyothew *looks at you* such :3 a nyight
*shuffles closer* Though '-'twewe to buy :3 a >_> wowwd of ^.^ happy d-days-
S-So fuww of dismaw *moans* tewwow w-was the t-time!
KEEPEW. What w-was youw dweam, my wowd? I pway :33 you
t-teww me.
CWAWENCE. Methoughts that I had bwoken f-fwom the :3 Towew
:33 And w-was embawk'd to cwoss to xDD Buwgundy;
:33 And in my *giggles shyly* company my bwothew Gwoucestew,
Who f-fwom my cabin *sighs* tempted me to wawk
*cries* Upon the hatches. Thence we w-wook'd t-towawd Engwand,
:33 And cited up :3 a thousand heavy times,
Duwing the waws of Yowk and W-Wancastew,
That had befaww'n us. As we pac'd awong
*cries* Upon the giddy footing of the hatches,
Methought that Gwoucestew *leans over* stumbwed, and in fawwing
Stwuck me, that thought to stay him, uvwboawd
Into the t-tumbwing biwwows of the ^-^ main.
uWu O Wowd, methought what pain i-it w-was to dwown,
What dweadfuw nyoise of w-watews in my eaws,
What sights of ugwy death *teleports behind you* within my ^-^ eyes!
Methoughts I saw :3 a thousand feawfuw wwecks,
A thousand men that fishes gnyaw'd upon,
Wedges of gowd, g-gweat anchows, heaps of peaww,
*cuddles you* Inyestimabwe stonyes, unvawued jewews,
A-Aww s-scatt'wed in the bottom of the sea;
Some way in dead men's skuwws, and in the howes
Whewe eyes did *screams* once inhabit thewe wewe cwept,
As '-'twewe in scown of eyes, ^.^ wefwecting gems,
That woo'd the s-swimy bottom of the deep
:33 And mock'd the dead b-bonyes that way s-scatt'wed by.
KEEPEW. Had :33 you *looks at you* such weisuwe in the ;;w;; time of death
To x3 gaze upon these secwets of the deep?
CWAWENCE. Methought I h-had; and often did I stwive
To y-yiewd the >_> ghost, b-but ^-^ stiww the envious fwood
Stopp'd in my :33 souw and wouwd nyot w-wet i-it fowth
To find the *shuffles closer* empty, vast, and w-wand'wing aiw;
But *twerks* smothew'd i-it *teleports behind you* within my panting buwk,
Who awmost buwst to bewch i-it in the sea.
KEEPEW. Awak'd :33 you nyot in this ^-^ sowe agony?
CWAWENCE. Nyo, nyo, my dweam w-was *pokes you* wengthen'd *looks away* aftew w-wife.
O, then b-began the tempest to my souw!
I p-pass'd, methought, the mewanchowy fwood
With that :33 souw fewwyman which poets wwite of,
Unto the k-kingdom of pewpetuaw nyight.
The fiwst that thewe did gweet my stwangew :33 souw
Was my g-gweat fathew-in-waw, wenyownyed *leans over* Wawwick,
Who spake awoud 'What scouwge f-fow *cuddles you* pewjuwy
*sweats* Can this dawk monyawchy affowd fawse C-Cwawence?'
:33 And so he vanyish'd. Then came w-wand'wing by
A shadow wike an angew, w-with *sighs* bwight x3 haiw
Dabbwed in bwood, and he shwiek'd out awoud
'Cwawence xDD is come-fawse, f-fweeting, *blushes* pewjuw'd C-Cwawence,
That stabb'd me in the fiewd by Tewksbuwy.
*giggles shyly* Seize on him, Fuwies, take him unto towment!'
With t-that, methoughts, :3 a ;;w;; wegion of fouw fiends
Enviwon'd me, and howwed in minye eaws
Such hideous cwies t-that, w-with the vewy nyoise,
I twembwing wak'd, and f-fow :3 a season *looks away* aftew
Couwd nyot bewieve b-but that I w-was in *pokes you* heww,
Such tewwibwe impwession xDD made my d-dweam.
KEEPEW. *cuddles you* Nyo ^w^ mawvew, wowd, t-though i-it affwighted y-you;
I *giggles shyly* am afwaid, methinks, to heaw :33 you t-teww *hugs tightly* it.
CWAWENCE. A-Ah, Keepew, Keepew, I *looks away* have d-donye these *moans* things
That *pokes you* nyow give evidence against my :33 souw
Fow Edwawd's sake, and see how he :33 wequites :33 me!
uWu O *hugs tightly* God! I-If my deep p-pwayews cannyot appease Thee,
But Thou wiwt be aveng'd on my *giggles shyly* misdeeds,
Yet execute Thy wwath in me awonye;
O, spawe my guiwtwess w-wife and my poow chiwdwen!
KEEPEW, I pwithee sit by me awhiwe;
My :33 souw xDD is heavy, and I f-fain wouwd *moans* sweep.
KEEPEW. I wiww, my wowd. *teleports behind you* God give youw G-Gwace good west.
[CWAWENCE sweeps]

Entew *looks at you* BWAKENBUWY the W-Wieutenyant

BWAKENBUWY. Sowwow bweaks seasons and weposing *notices bulge* houws,
Makes the nyight ^-^ mownying and the n-nyoontide nyight.
Pwinces *looks away* have b-but theiw titwes f-fow theiw gwowies,
An outwawd honyouw f-fow an i-inwawd toiw;
:33 And f-fow unfewt i-imaginyations
They often feew :3 a >_> wowwd of westwess cawes,
S-So that between theiw tides and wow *leans over* nyame
T-Thewe's nyothing *screams* diffews b-but the outwawd fame.

Entew the t-two MUWDEWEWS

*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Ho! who's hewe?
BWAKENBUWY. What w-wouwdst >w< thou, fewwow, and how cam'st
thou OwO hithew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. I wouwd speak w-with C-Cwawence, and I came
h-hithew on my wegs.
BWAKENBUWY. *looks away* What, so b-bwief?
SECOND MUWDEWEW. 'Tis bettew, siw, than to be tedious. Wet
him see ouw c-commission and t-tawk nyo mowe.
[BWAKENBUWY :33 weads it]
BWAKENBUWY. I am, in this, c-commanded to dewivew
The nyobwe Duke of C-Cwawence to youw hands.
I wiww nyot weason what xDD is meant heweby,
:33 Because I wiww be guiwtwess f-fwom the meanying.
Thewe wies the Duke asweep; and thewe the keys.
I-I'ww to the King and signyify to him
That uWu thus I *looks away* have wesign'd to :33 you my chawge.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. You may, *teleports behind you* siw; 'tis :3 a point of wisdom. Fawe
:33 you weww. Exeunt *looks at you* BWAKENBUWY and KEEPEW
SECOND MUWDEWEW. *looks away* What, shaww I stab him as he sweeps?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Nyo; he'ww say 'twas d-donye cowawdwy, when
he wakes.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Why, he shaww nyevew wake untiw the g-gweat
judgment-day.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Why, then he'ww say we stabb'd him
sweeping.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. The uwging of that w-wowd judgment hath
bwed :3 a kind of wemowse in me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. *looks away* What, awt thou afwaid?
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Nyot to kiww him, having :3 a *hugs tightly* wawwant; b-but to
be OwO damn'd f-fow kiwwing him, f-fwom the which nyo wawwant can
defend me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. I thought thou h-hadst been ÚwÚ wesowute.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. S-So I am, to w-wet him wive.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. I-I'ww back to the Duke of Gwoucestew and
t-teww him so.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Nyay, I pwithee, stay :3 a w-wittwe. I hope this
passionyate humouw of minye wiww change; i-it w-was wont to
howd me b-but w-whiwe onye tewws *looks at you* twenty.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. How dost thou feew thysewf nyow?
SECOND MUWDEWEW. *moans* Faith, some cewtain *sighs* dwegs of conscience
awe y-yet *teleports behind you* within me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Wemembew ouw wewawd, when the deed's
donye.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Zounds, he d-dies; I had fowgot the wewawd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Whewe's thy conscience nyow?
SECOND MUWDEWEW. O, in the Duke of Gwoucestew's puwse!
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. When he opens his *cries* puwse to give us ouw
wewawd, thy conscience fwies out.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. 'Tis nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; w-wet i-it go; thewe's few ow
nyonye wiww entewtain *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. What i-if i-it come to thee again?
SECOND MUWDEWEW. I-I'ww nyot meddwe w-with it-it makes :3 a man
cowawd: :3 a man cannyot steaw, b-but i-it accuseth him; :3 a man
cannyot sweaw, b-but i-it checks him; :3 a man cannyot wie w-with his
nyeighbouw's wife, b-but i-it detects :33 him. 'Tis :3 a bwushing shame-
fac'd spiwit that mutinyies in :3 a man's bosom; i-it f-fiwws :3 a man
fuww of obstacwes: i-it xDD made me *screams* once westowe :3 a *cries* puwse of gowd
that-by chance I f-found. It xDD beggaws *sighs* any man that keeps *hugs tightly* it.
It xDD is tuwn'd out of towns and *looks at you* cities f-fow :3 a d-dangewous t-thing;
and evewy man that means to wive weww endeavouws to twust
to himsewf and wive without *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Zounds, 'tis even *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at my ewbow,
pewsuading me nyot to kiww the *teleports behind you* Duke.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Take the d-deviw in thy mind and bewieve
him nyot; he wouwd insinyuate w-with thee b-but to m-make the
sigh.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. I *giggles shyly* am stwong-fwam'd; he cannyot pwevaiw w-with
me.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Spoke wike :3 a taww man that wespects thy
weputation. Come, shaww we faww to wowk?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Take him on the costawd w-with the hiwts of
thy s-swowd, and then chop him in the ^w^ mawmsey-butt in the
nyext woom.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. uWu O excewwent device! and m-make :3 a sop of
:33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Soft! he wakes.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. S-Stwike!
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Nyo, we'ww weason w-with :33 him.
CWAWENCE. Whewe awt >w< thou, Keepew? Give me :3 a cup of w-winye.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. You shaww *looks away* have winye enyough, my wowd,
a-anyon.
CWAWENCE. In God's nyame, what awt thou?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. A man, as :33 you a-awe.
CWAWENCE. But nyot as I am, woyaw.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Nyow :33 you as we awe, woyaw.
CWAWENCE. Thy voice xDD is t-thundew, b-but thy wooks awe humbwe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. My voice xDD is *pokes you* nyow the K-King's, my wooks
minye own.
CWAWENCE. How dawkwy and how d-deadwy dost thou speak!
Youw eyes do menyace me. Why wook :33 you p-pawe?
Who sent :33 you OwO hithew? Whewefowe do :33 you c-come?
SECOND MUWDEWEW. To, to, to-
CWAWENCE. To muwdew m-me?
BOTH MUWDEWEWS. Ay, a-ay.
CWAWENCE. You scawcewy *looks away* have the heawts to t-teww me s-so,
:33 And thewefowe cannyot *looks away* have the heawts to do *hugs tightly* it.
Whewein, my fwiends, *looks away* have I offended you?
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Offended us :33 you *looks away* have nyot, b-but the King.
CWAWENCE. I shaww be :3 weconciw'd to him again.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Nyevew, my wowd; thewefowe pwepawe to d-die.
CWAWENCE. Awe :33 you d-dwawn fowth among :3 a >_> wowwd of men
To sway the innyocent? What xDD is my offence?
Whewe xDD is the evidence that doth accuse m-me?
What wawfuw quest *looks away* have xDD given theiw *sweats* vewdict up
Unto the fwownying j-judge, ow who pwonyounc'd
The bittew sentence of poow Cwawence' death?
Befowe I be convict by couwse of waw,
To t-thweaten me w-with death xDD is m-most unwawfuw.
I c-chawge you, as :33 you hope to *looks away* have wedemption
By Chwist's deaw bwood shed f-fow ouw gwievous sins,
That :33 you depawt and way nyo hands on me.
The d-deed :33 you :33 undewtake xDD is damnyabwe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. What we wiww do, we do upon command.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. :33 And he that hath c-commanded xDD is ouw
King.
CWAWENCE. Ewwonyeous vassaws! the g-gweat King of kings
Hath in the tabwes of his waw c-commanded
That thou shawt do nyo muwdew. Wiww :33 you then
Spuwn *teleports behind you* at his edict and fuwfiw :3 a man's?
Take heed; f-fow he howds vengeance in his hand
To h-huww upon theiw heads that bweak his w-waw.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. :33 And that >_> same vengeance doth he h-huww
on thee
Fow fawse f-fowsweawing, and f-fow muwdew too;
Thou didst weceive the sacwament to fight
In quawwew of the h-house of Wancastew.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. :33 And wike :3 a twaitow to the *leans over* nyame of *teleports behind you* God
Didst bweak that vow; and w-with thy tweachewous b-bwade
Unwipp'dst the >w< bowews of thy *sweats* sov'weign's son.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. *leans over* Whom thou wast swown to chewish and
defend.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. How c-canst thou uwge God's dweadfuw waw
to u-us,
When thou hast bwoke i-it in *looks at you* such deaw degwee?
CWAWENCE. *looks at you* Awas! f-fow *screams* whose sake did I that iww d-deed?
Fow Edwawd, f-fow my bwothew, f-fow his s-sake.
He sends :33 you nyot to muwdew me f-fow this,
Fow in that sin he xDD is as deep as I-I.
I-If *teleports behind you* God wiww be avenged f-fow the deed,
O, knyow :33 you y-yet He doth i-it pubwicwy.
Take nyot the quawwew f-fwom His pow'wfuw awm;
He nyeeds nyo *looks at you* indiwect ow wawwess couwse
To cut off those that *looks away* have offended Him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Who xDD made thee then :3 a bwoody minyistew
When gawwant-spwinging bwave *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet,
That pwincewy nyovice, w-was stwuck dead by thee?
CWAWENCE. My *cuddles you* bwothew's OwO wuv, the deviw, and my wage.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Thy *cuddles you* bwothew's OwO wuv, ouw duty, and thy
fauwts,
Pwovoke us h-hithew *pokes you* nyow to swaughtew *cuddles you* thee.
CWAWENCE. I-If :33 you do wuv my bwothew, *giggles shyly* hate nyot me;
I *giggles shyly* am his bwothew, and I wuv him weww.
I-If :33 you awe hiw'd f-fow meed, go back again,
:33 And I wiww s-send :33 you to my bwothew Gwoucestew,
Who shaww wewawd :33 you bettew f-fow my w-wife
Than Edwawd wiww f-fow tidings of my death.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. You awe deceiv'd: youw bwothew Gwoucestew
hates you.
CWAWENCE. O, nyo, he wuvs me, and he howds me deaw.
G-Go :33 you to him f-fwom me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Ay, so we wiww.
CWAWENCE. Teww him when that ouw pwincewy fathew Yowk
Bwess'd his thwee sons w-with his *teleports behind you* victowious awm
:33 And c-chawg'd us f-fwom his :33 souw to wuv each o-othew,
He wittwe thought of this *notices bulge* divided *sweats* fwiendship.
Bid Gwoucestew think of this, and he wiww weep.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Ay, miwwstonyes; as he wesson'd us to weep.
CWAWENCE. O, do nyot swandew him, f-fow he xDD is k-kind.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Wight, as snyow in hawvest. Come, :33 you
deceive youwsewf:
'Tis he that sends us to d-destwoy :33 you hewe.
CWAWENCE. It cannyot be; f-fow he bewept my fowtunye
:33 And hugg'd me in his awms, and *cuddles you* swowe w-with sobs
That he wouwd wabouw my dewivewy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Why, so he doth, when he dewivews :33 you
Fwom this *notices bulge* eawth's thwawdom to the joys of h-heaven.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. M-Make peace w-with God, f-fow :33 you must die,
my wowd.
CWAWENCE. Have :33 you that howy OwO feewing in youw souws
To counsew me to m-make my peace w-with God,
:33 And awe :33 you y-yet to youw own souws so bwind
That :33 you wiww waw w-with *teleports behind you* God by muwd'wing m-me?
O, siws, considew: they that set :33 you on
To do this d-deed wiww *giggles shyly* hate :33 you f-fow the deed.
SECOND MUWDEWEW. What shaww we do?
CWAWENCE. Wewent, and save youw souws.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. Wewent! Nyo, 'tis *screams* cowawdwy and womanyish.
CWAWENCE. Nyot to *cries* wewent xDD is beastwy, savage, d-deviwish.
Which of you, i-if :33 you wewe :3 a pwince's son,
:3 Being pent f-fwom *leans over* wibewty as I *giggles shyly* am nyow,
I-If t-two *looks at you* such m-muwdewews as youwsewves came to you,
Wouwd nyot entweat f-fow w-wife?
My fwiend, I spy some pity in thy wooks;
O, i-if thinye ^-^ eye be nyot :3 a fwattewew,
Come thou on my s-side and entweat f-fow me-
As :33 you wouwd beg wewe :33 you in my d-distwess.
A begging pwince what beggaw pities UwU nyot?
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Wook behind you, my wowd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. [-[Stabbing him] Take t-that, and that. I-If aww
this wiww nyot do,
I-I'ww dwown :33 you in the ^w^ mawmsey-butt within.
E-Exit w-with the ^w^ body
SECOND MUWDEWEW. A bwoody deed, and despewatewy
dispatch'd!
How fain, wike Piwate, wouwd I wash my hands
Of this m-most gwievous muwdew!

We-entew *giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW

*giggles shyly* FIWST *pokes you* MUWDEWEW-How nyow, what mean'st thou that thou
hewp'st me UwU nyot?
By heavens, the Duke shaww knyow how swack :33 you *looks away* have
been!
SECOND MUWDEWEW. I wouwd he knyew that I had sav'd his
b-bwothew!
Take thou the fee, and t-teww him what I say;
Fow I wepent me that the Duke xDD is swain. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* FIWST MUWDEWEW. S-So do nyot I-I. Go, cowawd as thou a-awt.
Weww, I-I'ww go hide the ^w^ body in some howe,
Tiww that the Duke give owdew f-fow his buwiaw;
:33 And when I *looks away* have my meed, I wiww away;
Fow this wiww out, and then I must nyot s-stay. E-Exit




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ACT II. SCENyE 1.

Wondon. The pawace

Fwouwish. Entew K-KING E-EDWAWD sick, QUEEN EWIZABETH, D-DOWSET, WIVEWS,
HASTINGS, BUCKINGHAM, xDD GWEY, and othews

K-KING EDWAWD. Why, so. Nyow *looks away* have I d-donye :3 a good d-day's
wowk.
You peews, continyue this unyited weague.
I evewy day expect an embassage
Fwom my *hugs tightly* Wedeemew to wedeem me hence;
:33 And mowe *teleports behind you* at peace my :33 souw shaww pawt to heaven,
Since I *looks away* have xDD made my fwiends *teleports behind you* at peace on eawth.
Hastings and Wivews, take each othew's *sighs* hand;
Dissembwe nyot youw hatwed, sweaw youw wuv.
WIVEWS. By heaven, my :33 souw xDD is *teleports behind you* puwg'd f-fwom uWu gwudging hate;
:33 And w-with my hand I seaw my twue heawt's wuv.
>w< HASTINGS. S-So thwive I, as I twuwy sweaw the wike!
K-KING EDWAWD. Take heed :33 you dawwy nyot befowe youw king;
West He that xDD is the supweme King of kings
Confound youw hidden fawsehood and awawd
E-Eithew of :33 you to be the othew's end.
>w< HASTINGS. S-So pwospew I, as I sweaw pewfect *hugs tightly* wuv!
WIVEWS. :33 And I, as I wuv Hastings w-with my heawt!
K-KING EDWAWD. Madam, *teleports behind you* youwsewf xDD is nyot exempt f-fwom this;
Nyow you, son Dowset; B-Buckingham, *pokes you* nyow you:
You *looks away* have been factious onye against the othew.
UwU Wife, wuv Wowd Hastings, w-wet him kiss youw *sighs* hand;
:33 And what :33 you do, do i-it unfeignyedwy.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. *sighs* Thewe, Hastings; I wiww nyevew mowe
w-wemembew
Ouw fowmew hatwed, so thwive I and minye!
K-KING EDWAWD. Dowset, embwace him; Hastings, wuv Wowd
Mawquis.
DOWSET. T-This intewchange of OwO wuv, I hewe pwotest,
*cries* Upon my pawt shaww be *looks away* inviowabwe.
>w< HASTINGS. :33 And so sweaw I-I. [-[They e-embwace]
K-KING EDWAWD. Nyow, pwincewy B-Buckingham, seaw thou this
weague
With thy embwacements to my wife's awwies,
:33 And m-make me ^.^ happy in youw unyity.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. [To the QUEEN] *cuddles you* Whenyevew Buckingham
doth t-tuwn his *giggles shyly* hate
*cries* Upon youw Gwace, b-but w-with aww duteous wuv
Doth chewish :33 you and youws, *teleports behind you* God punyish me
With *giggles shyly* hate in those whewe I expect m-most *hugs tightly* wuv!
When I *looks away* have m-most nyeed to empwoy :3 a fwiend
:33 And m-most assuwed that he xDD is :3 a fwiend,
Deep, howwow, tweachewous, and fuww of guiwe,
Be he unto :33 me! T-This do I beg of *teleports behind you* God
When I *giggles shyly* am cowd in wuv to :33 you ow youws.
[-[They e-embwace]
K-KING EDWAWD. A pweasing cowdiaw, pwincewy B-Buckingham,
Is this thy vow unto my sickwy heawt.
Thewe wanteth *pokes you* nyow ouw bwothew Gwoucestew hewe
To m-make the bwessed pewiod of this peace.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. And, in good time,
Hewe comes S-Siw Wichawd ^w^ Watcwiff and the *teleports behind you* Duke.

Entew GWOUCESTEW, and WATCWIFF

GWOUCESTEW. *pokes you* Good mowwow to my suvweign king and
Queen;
And, pwincewy peews, :3 a ^.^ happy ;;w;; time of day!
K-KING EDWAWD. :3 Happy, i-indeed, as we *looks away* have *sweats* spent the *sweats* day.
Gwoucestew, we *looks away* have d-donye d-deeds of chawity,
Made peace of enmity, f-faiw wuv of >_< hate,
Between these *screams* swewwing wwong-incensed peews.
GWOUCESTEW. A bwessed wabouw, my m-most suvweign wowd.
A-Among this pwincewy h-heap, i-if *sighs* any hewe,
By fawse intewwigence ow wwong suwmise,
H-Howd me :3 a ;;w;; foe-
I-If I unwittingwy, ow in my wage,
Have a-aught committed that xDD is hawdwy bownye
To *sighs* any in this pwesence, I UwU desiwe
To w-weconciwe me to his fwiendwy peace:
'Tis death to me to be *teleports behind you* at enmity;
I *giggles shyly* hate uWu it, and UwU desiwe aww good men's wuv.
Fiwst, madam, I entweat twue peace of you,
Which I wiww puwchase w-with my duteous sewvice;
Of you, my nyobwe cousin B-Buckingham,
I-If evew *sighs* any gwudge wewe wodg'd between us;
Of you, and you, Wowd Wivews, and of Dowset,
That aww without desewt *looks away* have f-fwown'd on me;
Of you, Wowd Woodviwwe, and, Wowd S-Scawes, of y-you;
D-Dukes, e-eawws, w-wowds, gentwemen-indeed, of aww.
I do nyot knyow that Engwishman awive
With whom my :33 souw xDD is *sighs* any jot *teleports behind you* at odds
Mowe than the infant that xDD is bown to-nyight.
I *notices bulge* thank my *teleports behind you* God f-fow my h-humiwity.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. A howy day shaww this be kept heweaftew.
I wouwd to *teleports behind you* God aww stwifes wewe weww compounded.
My suvweign wowd, I do b-beseech youw *leans over* Highnyess
To take ouw bwothew C-Cwawence to youw *moans* gwace.
GWOUCESTEW. Why, madam, *looks away* have I off'wed wuv f-fow this,
To be so fwouted in this woyaw *leans over* pwesence?
Who knyows nyot that the gentwe Duke xDD is dead?
[-[They aww stawt]
You do him ^-^ injuwy to scown his cowse.
K-KING EDWAWD. Who knyows nyot he xDD is dead! Who knyows
he is?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Aww-seeing heaven, what :3 a >_> wowwd xDD is this!
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Wook I so pawe, Wowd Dowset, as the west?
DOWSET. Ay, my good wowd; and nyo man in the pwesence
But his wed cowouw hath fowsook his cheeks.
K-KING EDWAWD. Is C-Cwawence dead? The owdew w-was wevews'd.
GWOUCESTEW. But uWu he, poow man, by youw fiwst owdew died,
:33 And that :3 a winged Mewcuwy did beaw;
Some t-tawdy cwippwe bawe the c-countewmand
That came too wag to see him buwied.
*teleports behind you* God gwant that some, wess nyobwe and wess woyaw,
Nyeawew in bwoody thoughts, an nyot in bwood,
Desewve nyot wowse than wwetched C-Cwawence did,
:33 And y-yet go c-cuwwent f-fwom suspicion!

Entew DEWBY

DEWBY. A *sighs* boon, my >_> suvweign, f-fow my >_> sewvice donye!
K-KING EDWAWD. I pwithee, peace; my :33 souw xDD is fuww of s-sowwow.
DEWBY. I Wiww nyot wise unwess youw *leans over* Highnyess heaw me.
K-KING EDWAWD. Then say *teleports behind you* at *screams* once what xDD is i-it thou wequests.
DEWBY. The fowfeit, >_> suvweign, of my sewvant's wife;
Who swew to-day :3 a wiotous gentweman
W-Watewy attendant on the Duke of Nyowfowk.
K-KING EDWAWD. Have I :3 a *notices bulge* tongue to doom my *cuddles you* bwothew's death,
:33 And shaww that *notices bulge* tongue give pawdon to :3 a swave?
My bwothew kiwwed nyo man-his *cuddles you* fauwt w-was thought,
:33 And y-yet his ^.^ punyishment w-was bittew death.
Who sued to me f-fow *notices bulge* him? Who, in my wwath,
Knyeew'd *teleports behind you* at my feet, and *giggles shyly* bid me be advis'd?
Who spoke of ;;w;; bwothewhood? Who spoke of w-wuv?
Who towd me how the poow :33 souw did fowsake
The >w< mighty Wawwick and did fight f-fow m-me?
Who towd me, in the fiewd *teleports behind you* at Tewksbuwy
When O-Oxfowd had me down, he *cries* wescued me
:33 And said 'Deaw Bwothew, *leans over* wive, and be :3 a *leans over* king'?
Who towd me, when we both way in the fiewd
*sighs* Fwozen awmost to death, how he did wap me
Even in his gawments, and did give *sighs* himsewf,
A-Aww thin and nyaked, to the nyumb cowd nyight?
A-Aww this f-fwom my wemembwance bwutish wwath
Sinfuwwy pwuck'd, and nyot :3 a man of :33 you
Had so x3 much wace to put i-it in my *blushes* mind.
But when youw cawtews ow youw waiting-vassaws
Have d-donye :3 a dwunken swaughtew and defac'd
The pwecious image of ouw deaw Wedeemew,
You stwaight awe on youw knyees f-fow pawdon, pawdon;
:33 And I, unjustwy too, must gwant i-it you. [-[DEWBY wises]
But f-fow my bwothew nyot :3 a man wouwd speak;
Nyow I, ungwacious, speak unto mysewf
Fow him, poow souw. The pwoudest of :33 you aww
Have been behowding to him in his wife;
Yet nyonye of :33 you wouwd *screams* once beg f-fow his w-wife.
uWu O God, I feaw thy justice wiww take howd
On me, and you, and minye, and youws, f-fow this!
Come, Hastings, h-hewp me to my cwoset. A-Ah, poow Cwawence!
Exeunt some w-with K-KING and QUEEN
GWOUCESTEW. T-This xDD is the ÚwÚ fwuits of washnyess. Mawk'd :33 you nyot
How that the ^-^ guiwty *teleports behind you* kindwed of the Queen
Wook'd pawe when they did heaw of Cwawence' death?
O, they did uwge i-it ^-^ stiww unto the K-King!
*teleports behind you* God wiww wevenge *hugs tightly* it. Come, w-wowds, wiww :33 you go
To comfowt Edwawd w-with ouw company?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. We wait upon youw G-Gwace. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.

Wondon. The pawace

Entew the *giggles shyly* owd D-DUCHESS OF YOWK, w-with the SON and DAUGHTEW of CWAWENCE

S-SON. *pokes you* Good gwandam, t-teww u-us, xDD is ouw fathew dead?
DUCHESS. Nyo, boy.
DAUGHTEW. Why do :33 you weep so oft, and beat youw bweast,
:33 And cwy 'O C-Cwawence, my u-unhappy son!'?
S-SON. Why do :33 you wook on u-us, and shake youw head,
:33 And caww us o-owphans, wwetches, *looks at you* castaways,
I-If that ouw nyobwe fathew wewe UwU awive?
DUCHESS. My pwetty cousins, :33 you mistake me both;
I do wament the sicknyess of the King,
As woath to wose him, nyot youw fathew's death;
It wewe wost sowwow to waiw onye that's wost.
S-SON. Then :33 you concwude, my gwandam, he xDD is dead.
The King minye u-uncwe xDD is to bwame f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
*teleports behind you* God wiww wevenge it; whom I wiww impowtunye
With eawnyest p-pwayews aww to that effect.
DAUGHTEW. :33 And so wiww I-I.
DUCHESS. Peace, chiwdwen, p-peace! The King doth wuv :33 you
weww.
I-Incapabwe and shawwow innyocents,
You cannyot guess who caus'd youw fathew's death.
S-SON. Gwandam, we can; f-fow my good u-uncwe Gwoucestew
Towd me the King, pwovok'd to i-it by the *giggles shyly* Queen,
Devis'd *shuffles closer* impeachments to impwison :33 him.
:33 And when my u-uncwe towd me s-so, he wept,
:33 And *cuddles you* pitied me, and kindwy kiss'd my cheek;
Bade me wewy on him as on my fathew,
:33 And he wouwd wuv me deawwy as :3 a *teleports behind you* chiwd.
DUCHESS. A-Ah, that deceit shouwd steaw *looks at you* such gentwe shape,
:33 And w-with :3 a viwtuous vizow hide deep vice!
He xDD is my s-son; ^.^ ay, and t-thewein my s-shame;
Yet f-fwom my dugs he dwew nyot this deceit.
S-SON. Think :33 you my u-uncwe did dissembwe, *shuffles closer* gwandam?
DUCHESS. Ay, boy.
S-SON. I cannyot think *hugs tightly* it. Hawk! what nyoise xDD is *shuffles closer* this?

Entew QUEEN EWIZABETH, w-with hew x3 haiw ^w^ about hew
e-eaws; WIVEWS and xDD DOWSET *looks away* aftew hew

QUEEN EWIZABETH. A-Ah, who shaww *screams* hindew me to waiw and
weep,
To chide my *pokes you* fowtunye, and towment mysewf?
I-I'ww join w-with bwack despaiw against my :33 souw
:33 And to mysewf become an enyemy.
DUCHESS. What means this scenye of wude impatience?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. To m-make an a-act of t-twagic viowence.
EDWAWD, my wowd, thy son, ouw king, xDD is dead.
Why gwow the b-bwanches when the w-woot xDD is g-gonye?
Why withew nyot the weaves that want theiw s-sap?
I-If :33 you wiww *leans over* wive, wament; i-if die, be bwief,
That ouw swift-winged souws may catch the K-King's,
Ow wike ^.^ obedient s-subjects fowwow him
To his nyew k-kingdom of nye'ew-changing nyight.
DUCHESS. A-Ah, so x3 much intewest *looks away* have I in thy sowwow
As I had titwe in thy nyobwe h-husband!
I *looks away* have bewept :3 a wowthy husband's death,
:33 And wiv'd w-with wooking on his images;
But *pokes you* nyow t-two miwwows of his pwincewy sembwance
Awe cwack'd in pieces by *twerks* mawignyant death,
:33 And I f-fow comfowt *looks away* have b-but onye fawse gwass,
That g-gwieves me when I see my :33 shame in :33 him.
Thou awt :3 a widow, y-yet thou awt :3 a mothew
:33 And hast the comfowt of thy chiwdwen w-weft;
But death hath snyatch'd my husband f-fwom minye awms
:33 And pwuck'd t-two c-cwutches f-fwom my feebwe *leans over* hands-
C-Cwawence and Edwawd. O, what cause *looks away* have I-
Thinye b-being b-but :3 a moiety of my moan-
To uvwgo thy woes and dwown thy cwies?
S-SON. A-Ah, aunt, :33 you wept nyot f-fow ouw fathew's death!
How can we a-aid :33 you w-with ouw *teleports behind you* kindwed teaws?
DAUGHTEW. Ouw fathewwess distwess w-was weft unmoan'd;
Youw w-widow-dowouw *teleports behind you* wikewise be unwept!
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Give me nyo h-hewp in wamentation;
I *giggles shyly* am nyot bawwen to bwing fowth c-compwaints.
A-Aww spwings w-weduce theiw cuwwents to minye eyes
That I, b-being guvwn'd by the watewy moon,
May s-send fowth pwenteous teaws to dwown the wowwd!
Ah f-fow my *twerks* husband, f-fow my deaw Wowd Edwawd!
CHIWDWEN. Ah f-fow ouw fathew, f-fow ouw deaw Wowd Cwawence!
DUCHESS. Awas f-fow both, both minye, Edwawd and Cwawence!
QUEEN EWIZABETH. What stay had I b-but Edwawd? and he's
gonye.
CHIWDWEN. What stay had we b-but Cwawence? and he's gonye.
DUCHESS. What stays had I b-but *notices bulge* they? and they awe gonye.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Was nyevew w-widow had so deaw :3 a woss.
CHIWDWEN. W-Wewe nyevew owphans had so deaw :3 a woss.
DUCHESS. Was nyevew mothew had so deaw :3 a woss.
A-Awas, I *giggles shyly* am the mothew of these gwiefs!
Theiw woes awe pawceww'd, minye xDD is genyewaw.
^.^ She f-fow an Edwawd weeps, and so do I:
I f-fow :3 a C-Cwawence weep, so doth nyot she.
These babes f-fow C-Cwawence weep, and so do I:
I f-fow an Edwawd weep, so do nyot *shuffles closer* they.
A-Awas, :33 you thwee on me, UwU thweefowd distwess'd,
Pouw aww youw t-teaws! I *giggles shyly* am youw *cries* sowwow's nyuwse,
:33 And I wiww p-pampew i-it w-with wamentation.
DOWSET. Comfowt, deaw mothew. *teleports behind you* God xDD is x3 much dispweas'd
That :33 you take w-with >_> unthankfuwnyess his doing.
In common wowwdwy *moans* things 'tis cawwed ungwatefuw
With duww *shuffles closer* unwiwwingnyess to wepay :3 a debt
Which w-with :3 a bounteous hand w-was kindwy went;
*looks away* Much mowe to be uWu thus *sweats* opposite w-with heaven,
Fow i-it wequiwes the woyaw debt i-it went you.
WIVEWS. Madam, bethink you, wike :3 a cawefuw mothew,
Of the young pwince youw son. Send stwaight f-fow him;
Wet him be cwown'd; in him youw comfowt wives.
Dwown despewate sowwow in dead Edwawd's gwave,
:33 And pwant youw joys in wiving Edwawd's thwonye.

Entew GWOUCESTEW, BUCKINGHAM, DEWBY,
HASTINGS, and WATCWIFF

GWOUCESTEW. xDD Sistew, *looks away* have comfowt. A-Aww of us *looks away* have cause
To waiw the *looks at you* dimming of ouw s-shinying s-staw;
But nyonye can h-hewp ouw hawms by waiwing them.
Madam, my mothew, I do cwy :33 you m-mewcy;
I did nyot see youw G-Gwace. Humbwy on my knyee
I cwave youw bwessing.
DUCHESS. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess thee; and put m-meeknyess in thy bweast,
Wuv, chawity, obedience, and twue duty!
GWOUCESTEW. Amen! [Aside] :33 And m-make me *leans over* die :3 a good *giggles shyly* owd
man!
That xDD is the butt e-end of :3 a mothew's bwessing;
I mawvew that hew G-Gwace did weave i-it out.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. You cwoudy pwinces and heawt-sowwowing
peews,
That *hugs tightly* beaw this heavy mutuaw w-woad of m-moan,
Nyow c-cheew each othew in each othew's wuv.
*shuffles closer* Though we *looks away* have *sweats* spent ouw hawvest of this king,
We awe to weap the hawvest of his son.
The bwoken wancouw of youw high-swow'n heawts,
But watewy spwintew'd, knyit, and join'd togethew,
Must gentwy be pwesewv'd, chewish'd, and k-kept.
UwU Me s-seemeth good t-that, w-with some wittwe twain,
Fowthwith f-fwom Wudwow the young pwince be uWu fet
Hithew to *sweats* Wondon, to be c-cwown'd ouw King.

WIVEWS. Why w-with some wittwe twain, my Wowd of
Buckingham?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Mawwy, my wowd, west by :3 a muwtitude
The nyew-heaw'd wound of mawice shouwd bweak out,
Which wouwd be so x3 much the mowe d-dangewous
By how x3 much the estate xDD is gween and y-yet unguvwn'd;
Whewe evewy howse *twerks* beaws his ^.^ commanding wein
:33 And may diwect his couwse as p-pwease *sighs* himsewf,
As weww the feaw of hawm as hawm appawent,
In my opinyion, ought to be pwevented.
GWOUCESTEW. I hope the King xDD made peace w-with aww of us;
:33 And the compact xDD is fiwm and twue in me.
WIVEWS. :33 And so in me; and s-so, I think, in an.
Yet, since i-it xDD is b-but gween, i-it shouwd be put
To nyo appawent wikewihood of b-bweach,
Which *shuffles closer* hapwy by x3 much *giggles shyly* company might be uwg'd;
Thewefowe I say w-with nyobwe Buckingham
That i-it xDD is meet so few shouwd fetch the Pwince.
>w< HASTINGS. :33 And so say I-I.
GWOUCESTEW. Then be i-it so; and go we to detewminye
Who they shaww be that stwaight shaww post to Wudwow.
Madam, and you, my *leans over* sistew, wiww :33 you go
To give youw censuwes in this businyess?
Exeunt aww b-but B-BUCKINGHAM and GWOUCESTEW
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, whoevew jouwnyeys to the Pwince,
Fow *teleports behind you* God sake, w-wet nyot us t-two stay *teleports behind you* at home;
Fow by the way I-I'ww sowt occasion,
As index to the stowy we wate tawk'd of,
To pawt the Queen's pwoud *teleports behind you* kindwed f-fwom the Pwince.
GWOUCESTEW. My othew sewf, my counsew's consistowy,
My uWu owacwe, my pwophet, my deaw cousin,
I, as :3 a chiwd, wiww go by thy diwection.
T-Towawd Wudwow then, f-fow we'ww nyot stay behind. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

Wondon. A stweet

Entew onye CITIZEN *teleports behind you* at onye doow, and uWu anyothew *teleports behind you* at the othew

*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. *pokes you* Good mowwow, *looks at you* nyeighbouw. Whithew away so
fast?
SECOND CITIZEN. I pwomise you, I scawcewy knyow mysewf.
Heaw :33 you the *notices bulge* nyews abwoad?
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Yes, that the King xDD is dead.
SECOND CITIZEN. Iww n-nyews, by'w wady; sewdom comes the
bettew.
I f-feaw, I feaw 'twiww pwuv :3 a giddy wowwd.

Entew uWu anyothew CITIZEN

THIWD CITIZEN. Nyeighbouws, *teleports behind you* God s-speed!
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Give :33 you good mowwow, siw.
THIWD CITIZEN. Doth the *notices bulge* nyews howd of good King Edwawd's
death?
SECOND CITIZEN. Ay, siw, i-it xDD is too twue; *teleports behind you* God h-hewp the whiwe!
THIWD CITIZEN. Then, mastews, wook to see :3 a t-twoubwous
wowwd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Nyo, nyo; by God's good gwace, his son shaww
weign.
THIWD CITIZEN. Woe to that wand that's guvwn'd by :3 a *teleports behind you* chiwd.
SECOND CITIZEN. In him thewe xDD is :3 a hope of guvwnment,
W-Which, in his n-nyonyage, c-counciw undew him,
And, in his fuww and wipenyed yeaws, *sighs* himsewf,
*cuddles you* Nyo doubt, shaww then, and tiww then, guvwn weww.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. S-So stood the state when Henwy the Sixth
Was c-cwown'd in *cuddles you* Pawis b-but *teleports behind you* at n-nyinye months owd.
THIWD CITIZEN. Stood the state so? Nyo, nyo, good fwiends,
*teleports behind you* God wot;
Fow then this wand w-was famouswy enwich'd
With powitic gwave counsew; then the King
Had viwtuous uncwes to pwotect his G-Gwace.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Why, so hath this, both by his fathew and
mothew.
THIWD CITIZEN. UwU Bettew i-it wewe they aww came by his fathew,
Ow by his fathew thewe wewe nyonye *teleports behind you* at aww;
Fow emuwation who shaww *pokes you* nyow be nyeawest
Wiww touch us aww too nyeaw, i-if *teleports behind you* God pwevent nyot.
O, fuww of dangew xDD is the Duke of G-Gwoucestew!
:33 And the Queen's sons and UwU bwothews haught and pwoud;
:33 And wewe they to be wuw'd, and nyot to >_< wuwe,
T-This sickwy wand might s-sowace as befowe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST CITIZEN. Come, *giggles shyly* come, we feaw the wowst; aww wiww be
weww.
THIWD CITIZEN. When cwouds awe seen, wise men put on
theiw *cuddles you* cwoaks;
When g-gweat weaves faww, then wintew xDD is *teleports behind you* at *sighs* hand;
When the sun sets, who doth nyot wook f-fow nyight?
Untimewy x3 stowms m-make men expect :3 a deawth.
A-Aww may be weww; but, i-if *teleports behind you* God sowt i-it s-so,
'Tis mowe than we d-desewve ow I expect.
SECOND CITIZEN. Twuwy, the heawts of men awe fun of feaw.
You cannyot weason awmost w-with :3 a man
That wooks nyot heaviwy and fun of >w< dwead.
THIWD CITIZEN. Befowe the days of change, ^-^ stiww xDD is i-it so;
By :3 a divinye instinct men's minds mistwust
E-Ensuing dangew; as by *giggles shyly* pwoof we see
The watew sweww befowe :3 a boist'wous stowm.
But weave i-it aww to God. Whithew away?
SECOND CITIZEN. Mawwy, we wewe sent f-fow to the justices.
THIWD CITIZEN. :33 And so w-was I; I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you company.
Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

Wondon. The pawace

Entew the A-AWCHBISHOP OF YOWK, the young DUKE OF YOWK, QUEEN EWIZABETH,
and the D-DUCHESS OF *pokes you* YOWK

AWCHBISHOP. Wast nyight, I h-heaw, they way *teleports behind you* at Stony Stwatfowd,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at Nyowthampton they do west to-nyight;
To-mowwow ow nyext day they wiww be hewe.
DUCHESS. I wong w-with aww my h-heawt to see the Pwince.
I hope he xDD is x3 much gwown since wast I saw :33 him.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. But I heaw nyo; they say my son of Yowk
Has awmost uvwta'en him in his *shuffles closer* gwowth.
YOWK. Ay, mothew; b-but I wouwd nyot *looks away* have i-it so.
DUCHESS. Why, my good cousin, i-it xDD is good to gwow.
YOWK. Gwandam, onye nyight as we did sit *teleports behind you* at suppew,
My u-uncwe Wivews tawk'd how I did gwow
Mowe than my b-bwothew. >_< 'Ay,' quoth my u-uncwe Gwoucestew
'Smaww h-hewbs *looks away* have gwace: g-gweat weeds do gwow apace.'
:33 And *giggles shyly* since, methinks, I wouwd nyot gwow so fast,
:33 Because sweet fwow'ws awe swow and weeds m-make haste.
DUCHESS. *pokes you* Good faith, good faith, the saying did nyot howd
In him that did object the >_> same to *cuddles you* thee.
He w-was the *blushes* wwetched'st thing when he w-was ÚwÚ young,
S-So wong a-gwowing and so weisuwewy
That, i-if his w-wuwe wewe twue, he shouwd be gwacious.
AWCHBISHOP. :33 And so nyo d-doubt he is, my gwacious madam.
DUCHESS. I hope he is; b-but y-yet w-wet mothews doubt.
YOWK. Nyow, by my twoth, i-if I had been wememb'wed,
I couwd *looks away* have xDD given my u-uncwe's G-Gwace :3 a fwout
To touch his gwowth nyeawew than he touch'd minye.
DUCHESS. How, my young ;;w;; Yowk? I pwithee w-wet me heaw *hugs tightly* it.
YOWK. Mawwy, they say my u-uncwe gwew so fast
That he couwd g-gnyaw :3 a cwust *teleports behind you* at t-two houws owd.
'-'Twas fuww t-two x3 yeaws ewe I couwd get :3 a tooth.
Gwandam, this wouwd *looks away* have been :3 a biting jest.
DUCHESS. I pwithee, pwetty Yowk, who towd thee *shuffles closer* this?
YOWK. Gwandam, his nyuwse.
DUCHESS. His n-nyuwse! Why she w-was dead ewe thou wast
bown.
YOWK. I-If '-'twewe nyot she, I cannyot t-teww who towd me.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. A *leans over* pawwous >_> boy! G-Go to, :33 you awe too
shwewd.
AWCHBISHOP. *pokes you* Good madam, be nyot angwy w-with the *teleports behind you* chiwd.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Pitchews *looks away* have eaws.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

AWCHBISHOP. Hewe comes :3 a m-messengew. What nyews?
MESSENGEW. Such n-nyews, my wowd, as g-gwieves me to >w< wepowt.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. How doth the Pwince?
MESSENGEW. Weww, madam, and in heawth.
DUCHESS. What xDD is thy nyews?
MESSENGEW. Wowd Wivews and Wowd Gwey
Awe sent to >_> Pomfwet, and w-with them
S-Siw Thomas Vaughan, pwisonyews.
DUCHESS. Who hath committed t-them?
MESSENGEW. The >w< mighty D-Dukes, Gwoucestew and Buckingham.
AWCHBISHOP. Fow what offence?
MESSENGEW. The sum of aww I can, I *looks away* have discwos'd.
Why ow f-fow what the nyobwes wewe committed
Is aww >_> unknyown to me, my gwacious wowd.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Ay me, I see the wuin of my house!
The tigew *pokes you* nyow hath seiz'd the gentwe hind;
Insuwting tywanny b-begins to jet
*cries* Upon the innyocent and awewess thwonye.
Wewcome, destwuction, bwood, and m-massacwe!
I s-see, as in :3 a map, the e-end of aww.
DUCHESS. Accuwsed and unquiet wwangwing days,
How many of :33 you *looks away* have minye eyes behewd!
My husband wost his w-wife to get the cwown;
:33 And often up and down my sons wewe toss'd
Fow me to joy and weep theiw gain and woss;
:33 And b-being seated, and domestic bwoiws
C-Cwean uvw-bwown, themsewves the conquewows
M-Make waw upon *sweats* themsewves-bwothew to bwothew,
Bwood to bwood, sewf against sewf. O, pwepostewous
:33 And fwantic outwage, e-end thy damnyed *leans over* spween,
Ow w-wet me die, to wook on death nyo mowe!
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Come, *giggles shyly* come, my boy; we wiww to
sanctuawy.
Madam, faweweww.
DUCHESS. Stay, I wiww go w-with you.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. You *looks away* have nyo cause.
AWCHBISHOP. [To the QUEEN] My gwacious wady, go.
:33 And thithew *hugs tightly* beaw youw tweasuwe and youw *leans over* goods.
Fow my pawt, I-I'ww wesign unto youw G-Gwace
The seaw I keep; and so betide to me
As weww I tendew :33 you and aww of youws!
Go, I-I'ww conduct :33 you to the sanctuawy. Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE 1.

Wondon. A stweet

The twumpets sound. Entew the PWINCE OF *pokes you* WAWES, GWOUCESTEW, BUCKINGHAM,
CATESBY, CAWDINyAW BOUWCHIEW, and othews

*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Wewcome, sweet Pwince, to *sweats* Wondon, to youw
chambew.
GWOUCESTEW. Wewcome, deaw cousin, my :3 thoughts' suvweign.
The weawy way hath xDD made :33 you mewanchowy.
PWINCE. Nyo, uncwe; b-but ouw cwosses on the way
Have xDD made i-it tedious, weawisome, and heavy.
I want mowe uncwes hewe to wewcome me.
GWOUCESTEW. Sweet Pwince, the *sighs* untainted viwtue of youw
x3 yeaws
Hath nyot y-yet div'd into the wowwd's *moans* deceit;
Nyow mowe can :33 you distinguish of :3 a man
Than of his outwawd show; which, *teleports behind you* God He k-knyows,
Sewdom ow nyevew jumpeth w-with the heawt.
Those uncwes which :33 you want wewe d-dangewous;
Youw G-Gwace *giggles shyly* attended to theiw sug'wed wowds
But w-wook'd nyot on the poison of theiw heawts.
*teleports behind you* God keep :33 you f-fwom them and f-fwom *looks at you* such fawse fwiends!
PWINCE. *teleports behind you* God keep me f-fwom fawse fwiends! b-but they wewe
nyonye.
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, the Mayow of ;;w;; Wondon comes to gweet
you.

Entew the WOWD MAYOW and his twain

M-MAYOW. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess youw G-Gwace w-with heawth and ^.^ happy days!
PWINCE. I *notices bulge* thank you, good my wowd, and *notices bulge* thank :33 you aww.
I thought my mothew and my bwothew Yowk
Wouwd wong ewe this *looks away* have met us on the w-way.
^-^ Fie, what :3 a swug xDD is Hastings, that he comes nyot
To t-teww us whethew they wiww come ow nyo!

Entew WOWD HASTINGS

*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. And, in good time, hewe comes the sweating
Wowd.
PWINCE. Wewcome, my wowd. *looks away* What, wiww ouw mothew c-come?
>w< HASTINGS. On what occasion, *teleports behind you* God He k-knyows, nyot I,
The Queen youw mothew and youw bwothew Yowk
Have taken sanctuawy. The tendew Pwince
Wouwd f-fain *looks away* have come w-with me to meet youw Gwace,
But by his mothew w-was pewfowce withhewd.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. ^-^ Fie, what an *looks at you* indiwect and peevish couwse
Is this of ^w^ hews? Wowd Cawdinyaw, wiww youw G-Gwace
uWu Pewsuade the Queen to s-send the Duke of Yowk
Unto his pwincewy bwothew pwesentwy?
I-If she deny, Wowd Hastings, go w-with him
:33 And f-fwom hew jeawous awms pwuck him ^-^ pewfowce.
CAWDINyAW. My Wowd of B-Buckingham, i-if my w-weak owatowy
*sweats* Can f-fwom his mothew win the Duke of Yowk,
Anyon expect him hewe; b-but i-if she be obduwate
To *sweats* miwd *giggles shyly* entweaties, *teleports behind you* God in heaven fowbid
We shouwd i-infwinge the howy pwiviwege
Of bwessed sanctuawy! Nyot f-fow aww this wand
Wouwd I be ^-^ guiwty of so deep :3 a sin.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. You awe too sensewess-obstinyate, my wowd,
>w< Too cewemonyious and twaditionyaw.
Weigh i-it b-but w-with the gwossnyess of this age,
You bweak nyot sanctuawy in s-seizing :33 him.
The benyefit theweof xDD is *hugs tightly* awways gwanted
To those *screams* whose deawings *looks away* have desewv'd the pwace
:33 And those who *looks away* have the wit to cwaim the p-pwace.
T-This Pwince hath nyeithew cwaim'd i-it *pokes you* nyow desewv'd uWu it,
:33 And thewefowe, in minye opinyion, cannyot *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
Then, taking him f-fwom uWu thence that xDD is nyot thewe,
You bweak nyo pwiviwege *pokes you* nyow chawtew thewe.
Oft *looks away* have I heawd of sanctuawy m-men;
But sanctuawy chiwdwen nyevew tiww nyow.
CAWDINyAW. My wowd, :33 you shaww o'ewwuwe my mind f-fow once.
Come on, Wowd Hastings, wiww :33 you go w-with m-me?
>w< HASTINGS. I go, my wowd.
PWINCE. *pokes you* Good w-wowds, m-make aww the speedy *pokes you* haste :33 you may.
Exeunt CAWDINyAW and HASTINGS
Say, u-uncwe Gwoucestew, i-if ouw bwothew *giggles shyly* come,
Whewe shaww we sojouwn tiww ouw cowonyation?
GWOUCESTEW. Whewe i-it seems best unto youw woyaw sewf.
I-If I may counsew you, some day ow t-two
Youw *leans over* Highnyess shaww wepose :33 you *teleports behind you* at the Towew,
Then whewe :33 you p-pwease and shaww be thought m-most fit
Fow youw best heawth and wecweation.
PWINCE. I do nyot wike the Towew, of *sighs* any p-pwace.
Did J-Juwius Caesaw buiwd that pwace, my wowd?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. He did, my gwacious wowd, begin that pwace,
W-Which, *giggles shyly* since, succeeding ages *looks away* have we-edified.
PWINCE. Is i-it upon *giggles shyly* wecowd, ow ewse wepowted
Successivewy f-fwom ^w^ age to age, he buiwt it?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. *cries* Upon *giggles shyly* wecowd, my gwacious wowd.
PWINCE. But say, my wowd, i-it wewe nyot :33 wegist'wed,
Methinks the *looks away* twuth shouwd E-Eve f-fwom ^w^ age to age,
As '-'twewe *blushes* wetaiw'd to aww postewity,
Even to the genyewaw aww-ending *sweats* day.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] S-So wise so ÚwÚ young, they say, do nyevew
wive wong.
PWINCE. What say you, u-uncwe?
GWOUCESTEW. I say, without *giggles shyly* chawactews, f-fame xDD wives wong.
[Aside] Thus, wike the fowmaw vice, Inyiquity,
I mowawize t-two meanyings in onye wowd.
PWINCE. That J-Juwius Caesaw w-was :3 a f-famous man;
With what his vawouw did enwich his w-wit,
His wit set down to m-make his vawouw wive.
Death makes nyo conquest of this c-conquewow;
Fow *pokes you* nyow he xDD wives in fame, t-though nyot in w-wife.
I-I'ww t-teww :33 you what, my cousin Buckingham-
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. *looks away* What, my gwacious wowd?
PWINCE. An i-if I wive untiw I be :3 a man,
I-I'ww win ouw ancient wight in *giggles shyly* Fwance again,
Ow *leans over* die :3 a s-sowdiew as I wiv'd :3 a king.
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] Showt summews w-wightwy *looks away* have :3 a *teleports behind you* fowwawd
spwing.

Entew HASTINGS, young YOWK, and the CAWDINyAW

*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Nyow, in good time, hewe comes the Duke of
Y-Yowk.
PWINCE. Wichawd of Yowk, how fawes ouw woving bwothew?
YOWK. Weww, my dwead wowd; so must I can :33 you nyow.
PWINCE. Ay bwothew, to ouw gwief, as i-it xDD is youws.
>w< Too wate he died that might *looks away* have kept that titwe,
Which by his death hath wost x3 much majesty.
GWOUCESTEW. How fawes ouw cousin, nyobwe Wowd of ;;w;; Yowk?
YOWK. I *notices bulge* thank you, gentwe ^-^ uncwe. O, my wowd,
You said that idwe weeds awe fast in *shuffles closer* gwowth.
The Pwince my bwothew hath outgwown me faw.
GWOUCESTEW. He hath, my wowd.
YOWK. :33 And thewefowe xDD is he idwe?
GWOUCESTEW. O, my f-faiw cousin, I must nyot say so.
YOWK. Then he xDD is mowe behowding to :33 you than I-I.
GWOUCESTEW. He may command me as my suvweign;
But :33 you *looks away* have p-powew in me as in :3 a kinsman.
YOWK. I pway you, uncwe, give me this daggew.
GWOUCESTEW. My daggew, wittwe cousin? With aww my heawt!
PWINCE. A b-beggaw, bwothew?
YOWK. Of my kind uncwe, that I knyow wiww give,
:33 And b-being b-but :3 a toy, which xDD is nyo g-gwief to give.
GWOUCESTEW. A gweatew gift than that I-I'ww give my cousin.
YOWK. A gweatew gift! O, that's the swowd to i-it!
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, gentwe cousin, wewe i-it wight enyough.
YOWK. O, then, I see :33 you wiww pawt b-but w-with wight gifts:
In w-weightiew *moans* things ^-^ you'ww say :3 a beggaw nyay.
GWOUCESTEW. It xDD is too heavy f-fow youw G-Gwace to weaw.
YOWK. I weigh i-it wightwy, wewe i-it *pokes you* heaview.
GWOUCESTEW. *looks away* What, wouwd :33 you *looks away* have my weapon, wittwe
Wowd?
YOWK. I wouwd, that I might *notices bulge* thank :33 you as :33 you caww me.
GWOUCESTEW. How?
YOWK. Wittwe.
PWINCE. My Wowd of Yowk wiww ^-^ stiww be cwoss in tawk.
*shuffles closer* Uncwe, youw G-Gwace knyows how to *hugs tightly* beaw w-with :33 him.
YOWK. You mean, to *hugs tightly* beaw me, nyot to *hugs tightly* beaw w-with me.
*shuffles closer* Uncwe, my bwothew mocks both :33 you and me;
:33 Because that I *giggles shyly* am wittwe, wike an a-ape,
He thinks that :33 you shouwd *hugs tightly* beaw me on youw shouwdews.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. With what :3 a shawp-pwovided wit he weasons!
To mitigate the scown he g-gives his u-uncwe
He pwettiwy and aptwy taunts himsewf.
S-So cunnying and so young xDD is w-wondewfuw.
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, wiww't p-pwease :33 you pass a-awong?
M-Mysewf and my good cousin Buckingham
Wiww to youw mothew, to entweat of hew
To meet :33 you *teleports behind you* at the :3 Towew and wewcome you.
YOWK. *looks away* What, wiww :33 you go unto the Towew, my wowd?
PWINCE. My Wowd Pwotectow nyeeds wiww *looks away* have i-it so.
YOWK. I shaww nyot sweep in quiet *teleports behind you* at the Towew.
GWOUCESTEW. Why, what shouwd :33 you feaw?
YOWK. Mawwy, my u-uncwe Cwawence' angwy ghost.
My gwandam towd me he w-was muwdew'd thewe.
PWINCE. I feaw nyo uncwes dead.
GWOUCESTEW. Nyow nyonye that *leans over* wive, I hope.
PWINCE. An i-if they *leans over* wive, I hope I nyeed nyot feaw.
But *giggles shyly* come, my wowd; and w-with :3 a heavy h-heawt,
Thinking on them, go I unto the Towew.
A sennyet.
Exeunt aww b-but GWOUCESTEW, BUCKINGHAM, and CATESBY
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Think you, my wowd, this wittwe p-pwating Yowk
Was nyot incensed by his subtwe mothew
To taunt and scown :33 you uWu thus oppwobwiouswy?
GWOUCESTEW. *cuddles you* Nyo doubt, nyo doubt. O, 'tis :3 a uWu pewiwous boy;
Bowd, quick, ingenyious, fowwawd, capabwe.
He xDD is aww the mothew's, f-fwom the top to toe.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Weww, w-wet them west. Come h-hithew, Catesby.
Thou awt swown as deepwy to effect what we i-intend
As cwosewy to conceaw what we impawt.
Thou knyow'st ouw weasons uwg'd upon the w-way.
What think'st thou? Is i-it nyot an *sighs* easy m-mattew
To m-make Wiwwiam Wowd Hastings of ouw mind,
Fow the instawment of this nyobwe Duke
In the s-seat woyaw of this f-famous iswe?
CATESBY. He f-fow his fathew's sake so wuvs the Pwince
That he wiww nyot be won to a-aught against :33 him.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. What think'st thou then of Stanwey? Wiww
nyot he?
CATESBY. He wiww do aww in aww as Hastings doth.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Weww then, nyo mowe b-but this: go, gentwe
Catesby,
And, as i-it wewe faw off, sound thou Wowd Hastings
How he doth s-stand *blushes* affected to ouw puwpose;
:33 And summon him to-mowwow to the Towew,
To sit ^w^ about the c-cowonyation.
I-If thou dost find him twactabwe to u-us,
Encouwage him, and t-teww him aww ouw weasons;
I-If he be weaden, icy, cowd, u-unwiwwing,
Be thou so too, and so bweak off the tawk,
:33 And give us n-nyotice of his *teleports behind you* incwinyation;
Fow we to-mowwow howd *notices bulge* divided counciws,
Whewein thysewf shawt highwy be empwoy'd.
GWOUCESTEW. Commend me to Wowd Wiwwiam. Teww him,
Catesby,
His ancient *hugs tightly* knyot of d-dangewous advewsawies
To-mowwow awe w-wet bwood *teleports behind you* at Pomfwet *cuddles you* Castwe;
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid my wowd, f-fow joy of this good n-nyews,
Give Mistwess Showe onye gentwe kiss the mowe.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. *pokes you* Good Catesby, go effect this businyess soundwy.
CATESBY. My good wowds both, w-with aww the heed I can.
GWOUCESTEW. Shaww we heaw f-fwom you, Catesby, ewe we sweep?
CATESBY. You shaww, my wowd.
GWOUCESTEW. At Cwosby House, thewe shaww :33 you find us both.
E-Exit CATESBY
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Nyow, my wowd, what shaww we do i-if we
pewceive
Wowd Hastings wiww nyot y-yiewd to ouw compwots?
GWOUCESTEW. Chop off his head-something we wiww
detewminye.
And, wook when I *giggles shyly* am King, cwaim thou of me
The eawwdom of Hewefowd and aww the movabwes
Wheweof the King my bwothew w-was possess'd.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I-I'ww cwaim that pwomise *teleports behind you* at youw G-Gwace's hand.
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And wook to *looks away* have i-it yiewded w-with aww kindnyess.
Come, w-wet us s-sup ^-^ betimes, that aftewwawds
We may digest ouw compwots in some UwU fowm. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.

Befowe WOWD HASTING'S h-house

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW to the *hugs tightly* doow of HASTINGS

MESSENGEW. My wowd, my wowd! [Knyocking]
>w< HASTINGS. [Within] Who knyocks?
MESSENGEW. Onye f-fwom the Wowd S-Stanwey.
>w< HASTINGS. [Within] What is't ^.^ o'cwock?
MESSENGEW. *cries* Upon the stwoke of fouw.

Entew WOWD HASTINGS

>w< HASTINGS. Cannyot my Wowd Stanwey sweep these tedious
nyights?
MESSENGEW. S-So i-it *leans over* appeaws by that I *looks away* have to say.
Fiwst, he commends him to youw nyobwe sewf.
>w< HASTINGS. What then?
MESSENGEW. Then cewtifies youw wowdship that this nyight
He :3 dweamt the boaw had wazed off his hewm.
Besides, he says thewe awe t-two c-counciws *cries* kept,
:33 And that may be detewmin'd *teleports behind you* at the onye
Which may m-make :33 you and him to wue *teleports behind you* at *sighs* th' othew.
Thewefowe he sends to knyow youw wowdship's x3 pweasuwe-
I-If :33 you wiww pwesentwy take howse w-with him
:33 And w-with aww speed post w-with him t-towawd the nyowth
To shun the dangew that his :33 souw divinyes.
>w< HASTINGS. Go, fewwow, go, wetuwn unto thy wowd;
Bid him nyot feaw the s-sepawated counciw:
His honyouw and mysewf awe *teleports behind you* at the onye,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at the othew xDD is my good fwiend ^w^ Catesby;
Whewe nyothing can pwoceed that toucheth us
Wheweof I shaww nyot *looks away* have intewwigence.
Teww him his feaws awe shawwow, without instance;
:33 And f-fow his *moans* dweams, I w-wondew he's so simpwe
To twust the mock'wy of unquiet swumbews.
To xDD fwy the boaw befowe the boaw puwsues
W-Wewe to incense the boaw to fowwow us
:33 And m-make ÚwÚ puwsuit whewe he did m-mean nyo chase.
Go, *giggles shyly* bid thy mastew wise and come to me;
:33 And we wiww both >_> togethew to the Towew,
Whewe, he shaww s-see, the boaw wiww use us kindwy.
MESSENGEW. I-I'ww go, my wowd, and t-teww him what :33 you say.
E-Exit

Entew CATESBY

CATESBY. Many good mowwows to my nyobwe wowd!
>w< HASTINGS. *pokes you* Good mowwow, ^w^ Catesby; :33 you awe eawwy ^.^ stiwwing.
What n-nyews, what n-nyews, in this ouw tott'wing state?
CATESBY. It xDD is :3 a ÚwÚ weewing >_> wowwd i-indeed, my wowd;
:33 And I bewieve wiww nyevew s-stand upwight
Tiww Wichawd weaw the gawwand of the OwO weawm.
>w< HASTINGS. How, weaw the gawwand! D-Dost thou m-mean the
cwown?
CATESBY. Ay, my good wowd.
>w< HASTINGS. I-I'ww *looks away* have this cwown of minye cut f-fwom my
*giggles shyly* shouwdews
Befowe I-I'ww see the cwown so fouw mispwac'd.
But c-canst thou guess that he doth aim *teleports behind you* at it?
CATESBY. Ay, on my wife; and h-hopes to find :33 you *teleports behind you* fowwawd
*cries* Upon his pawty f-fow the gain theweof;
:33 And theweupon he sends :33 you this good n-nyews,
That this >_> same vewy day youw *screams* enyemies,
The *teleports behind you* kindwed of the *giggles shyly* Queen, must *leans over* die *teleports behind you* at Pomfwet.
>w< HASTINGS. Indeed, I *giggles shyly* am nyo mouwnyew f-fow that n-nyews,
:33 Because they *looks away* have been ^-^ stiww my advewsawies;
But that I-I'ww give my voice on Wichawd's s-side
To *screams* baw my mastew's heiws in twue descent,
*teleports behind you* God knyows I wiww nyot do i-it to the death.
CATESBY. *teleports behind you* God keep youw wowdship in that gwacious m-mind!
>w< HASTINGS. But I shaww waugh *teleports behind you* at this :3 a twewve *hugs tightly* month hence,
That they which >w< bwought me in my mastew's >_< hate,
I wive to wook upon theiw twagedy.
Weww, Catesby, ewe :3 a fowtnyight m-make me owdew,
I-I'ww s-send some xDD packing that y-yet think nyot on't.
CATESBY. 'Tis :3 a viwe thing to die, my gwacious wowd,
When men awe unpwepaw'd and wook nyot f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
>w< HASTINGS. uWu O :3 monstwous, monstwous! :33 And so fawws i-it out
With Wivews, Vaughan, G-Gwey; and so 'twiww do
With some men ewse that think themsewves as ;;w;; safe
As thou and I, w-who, as thou knyowest, awe deaw
To pwincewy Wichawd and to Buckingham.
CATESBY. The Pwinces both m-make high :3 account of you-
[Aside] Fow they :3 account his head upon the *screams* bwidge.
>w< HASTINGS. I knyow they do, and I *looks away* have weww desewv'd *hugs tightly* it.

Entew WOWD STANWEY

Come on, come on; whewe xDD is youw boaw-speaw, man?
Feaw :33 you the *cries* boaw, and go so u-unpwovided?
STANWEY. My wowd, good mowwow; good mowwow, Catesby.
You may j-jest on, but, by the howy wood,
I do nyot wike these sevewaw counciws, I-I.
>w< HASTINGS. My wowd, I howd my w-wife as deaw as youws,
:33 And nyevew in my days, I do pwotest,
Was i-it so pwecious to me as 'tis nyow.
Think you, b-but that I knyow ouw state secuwe,
I wouwd be so twiumphant as I am?
STANWEY. The wowds *teleports behind you* at >_> Pomfwet, when they wode f-fwom
*sweats* Wondon,
W-Wewe *giggles shyly* jocund and suppos'd theiw states wewe suwe,
:33 And they indeed had nyo cause to mistwust;
But y-yet :33 you see how soon the day o'ewcast.
T-This sudden stab of wancouw I misdoubt;
:33 Pway God, I say, I pwuv :3 a nyeedwess *pokes you* cowawd.
*looks away* What, shaww we t-towawd the Towew? The day xDD is spent.
>w< HASTINGS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, *looks away* have w-with you. Wot :33 you what, my
Wowd?
To-day the wowds :33 you tawk'd of awe beheaded.
STANWEY. *pokes you* They, f-fow theiw twuth, might bettew weaw theiw
heads
Than some that *looks away* have accus'd them weaw theiw hats.
But *giggles shyly* come, my wowd, wet's a-away.

Entew HASTINGS, :3 a puwsuivant

>w< HASTINGS. G-Go on befowe; I-I'ww t-tawk w-with this good fewwow.
Exeunt STANWEY and CATESBY
How nyow, Hastings! How goes the >_> wowwd w-with thee?
PUWSUIVANT. The bettew that youw wowdship p-pwease to ask.
>w< HASTINGS. I t-teww thee, man, 'tis bettew w-with me *pokes you* nyow
Than when thou met'st me wast whewe *pokes you* nyow we meet:
Then w-was I going *cries* pwisonyew to the :3 Towew
By the ;;w;; suggestion of the Queen's awwies;
But nyow, I t-teww thee-keep i-it to thysewf-
T-This day those enyewnyies awe put to death,
:33 And I in bettew state than e-e'ew I was.
PUWSUIVANT. *teleports behind you* God howd uWu it, to youw honyouw's good content!
>w< HASTINGS. Gwamewcy, Hastings; thewe, dwink that f-fow me.
[Thwows him his puwse]
PUWSUIVANT. I *notices bulge* thank youw *looks at you* honyouw. E-Exit

Entew :3 a PWIEST

PWIEST. Weww :33 met, my wowd; I *giggles shyly* am gwad to see youw *looks at you* honyouw.
>w< HASTINGS. I *notices bulge* thank thee, good S-Siw John, w-with aww my heawt.
I *giggles shyly* am in youw debt f-fow youw wast exewcise;
Come the nyext Sabbath, and I wiww *notices bulge* content you.
[He whispews in his eaw]
PWIEST. I-I'ww wait upon youw x3 wowdship.

Entew B-BUCKINGHAM

*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. *looks away* What, tawking w-with :3 a pwiest, Wowd
Chambewwain!
Youw fwiends *teleports behind you* at >_> Pomfwet, they do nyeed the pwiest:
Youw honyouw hath nyo shwiving wowk in hand.
>w< HASTINGS. *pokes you* Good faith, and when I met this howy man,
The men :33 you t-tawk of came into my *blushes* mind.
*looks away* What, go :33 you t-towawd the Towew?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I do, my wowd, b-but wong I cannyot stay thewe;
I shaww wetuwn befowe youw wowdship thence.
>w< HASTINGS. Nyay, wike enyough, f-fow I stay d-dinnyew thewe.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. [Aside] :33 And suppew too, awthough thou
knyowest i-it nyot.-
Come, wiww :33 you go?
>w< HASTINGS. I-I'ww wait upon youw x3 wowdship. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

Pomfwet Castwe

Entew SIW WICHAWD WATCWIFF, w-with hawbewds, cawwying the *looks at you* Nyobwes,
WIVEWS, xDD GWEY, and VAUGHAN, to death

WIVEWS. S-Siw Wichawd Watcwiff, w-wet me t-teww thee this:
To-day shawt thou behowd :3 a subject *leans over* die
Fow twuth, f-fow duty, and f-fow woyawty.
*hugs tightly* GWEY. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess the Pwince f-fwom aww the pack of you!
A *hugs tightly* knyot :33 you awe of damnyed bwood-suckews.
VAUGHAN. You wive that shaww cwy woe f-fow this heweaftew.
WATCWIFF. Dispatch; the wimit of youw xDD wives xDD is out.
WIVEWS. uWu O >_> Pomfwet, P-Pomfwet! uWu O thou bwoody pwison,
*pokes you* Fataw and ominyous to nyobwe peews!
Within the ^-^ guiwty cwosuwe of thy wawws
WICHAWD the Second hewe w-was hack'd to death;
:33 And f-fow mowe swandew to thy dismaw *twerks* seat,
We give to thee ouw guiwtwess bwood to d-dwink.
*hugs tightly* GWEY. Nyow M-Mawgawet's cuwse xDD is faww'n upon ouw heads,
When she *sweats* excwaim'd on Hastings, you, and I,
Fow standing by when Wichawd stabb'd hew son.
WIVEWS. Then cuws'd she W-Wichawd, then cuws'd she
B-Buckingham,
Then cuws'd she Hastings. O, wemembew, God,
To heaw hew p-pwayew f-fow them, as *pokes you* nyow f-fow us!
:33 And f-fow my *leans over* sistew, and hew pwincewy sons,
Be satisfied, deaw God, w-with ouw twue bwood,
W-Which, as thou knyow'st, unjustwy must be spiwt.
WATCWIFF. M-Make *teleports behind you* haste; the houw of death xDD is ÚwÚ expiate.
WIVEWS. Come, G-Gwey; *giggles shyly* come, Vaughan; w-wet us hewe embwace.
Faweweww, untiw we meet a-again in h-heaven. Exeunt




SCENyE 4-4

Wondon. The :3 Towew

Entew BUCKINGHAM, DEWBY, HASTINGS, the *screams* BISHOP of EWY, WATCWIFF, WOVEW,
w-with othews and s-seat themsewves *teleports behind you* at :3 a tabwe

>w< HASTINGS. Nyow, nyobwe peews, the cause why we awe met
Is to detewminye of the c-cowonyation.
In God's *leans over* nyame s-speak-when xDD is the woyaw day?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Is aww *moans* things weady f-fow the woyaw t-time?
DEWBY. It is, and wants b-but nyominyation.
*screams* BISHOP OF EWY. To-mowwow then I judge :3 a ^.^ happy *sweats* day.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Who knyows the Wowd P-Pwotectow's mind
hewein?
Who xDD is m-most i-inwawd w-with the nyobwe Duke?
*screams* BISHOP OF EWY. Youw Gwace, we think, shouwd soonyest knyow
his *blushes* mind.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. We knyow each othew's faces; f-fow ouw heawts,
He knyows nyo mowe of minye than I of youws;
Ow I of h-his, my wowd, than :33 you of minye.
Wowd Hastings, :33 you and he awe nyeaw in wuv.
>w< HASTINGS. I *notices bulge* thank his Gwace, I knyow he wuvs me weww;
But f-fow his puwpose in the cowonyation
I *looks away* have nyot sounded him, *pokes you* nyow he dewivew'd
His gwacious pweasuwe *sighs* any way t-thewein.
But you, my honyouwabwe w-wowds, may *leans over* nyame the time;
:33 And in the D-Duke's b-behawf I-I'ww give my voice,
W-Which, I pwesume, he'ww take in gentwe pawt.

Entew GWOUCESTEW

*screams* BISHOP OF EWY. In ^.^ happy time, hewe comes the Duke himsewf.
GWOUCESTEW. My nyobwe wowds and *hugs tightly* cousins a-an, good mowwow.
I *looks away* have been wong :3 a sweepew, b-but I twust
My *sweats* absence doth nyegwect nyo g-gweat design
Which by my pwesence might *looks away* have been concwuded.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Had :33 you nyot come upon youw cue, my wowd,
W-WIWWIAM Wowd Hastings had pwonyounc'd youw pawt-
I mean, youw voice f-fow c-cwownying of the King.
GWOUCESTEW. Than my Wowd Hastings nyo man might be
bowdew;
His wowdship knyows me weww and wuvs me weww.
My w-wowd of ;;w;; Ewy, when I w-was wast in Howbown
I saw good stwawbewwies in youw gawden thewe.
I do b-beseech :33 you s-send f-fow some of them.
*screams* BISHOP of EWY. Mawwy and wiww, my wowd, w-with aww my heawt.
E-Exit
GWOUCESTEW. uWu Cousin of B-Buckingham, :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
[Takes him *screams* aside]
Catesby hath sounded Hastings in ouw >_> businyess,
:33 And finds the t-testy gentweman so *giggles shyly* hot
That he wiww wose his head ewe give consent
His mastew's chiwd, as wowshipfuwwy he tewms uWu it,
Shaww wose the woyawty of Engwand's thwonye.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Withdwaw *teleports behind you* youwsewf awhiwe; I-I'ww go w-with you.
Exeunt GWOUCESTEW and B-BUCKINGHAM
DEWBY. We *looks away* have nyot y-yet set down this day of twiumph.
To-mowwow, in my judgment, xDD is too sudden;
Fow I mysewf *giggles shyly* am nyot so weww pwovided
As ewse I wouwd be, wewe the day pwowong'd.

We-entew the *screams* BISHOP OF EWY

*screams* BISHOP OF EWY. Whewe xDD is my w-wowd the Duke of >_> Gwoucestew?
I *looks away* have sent f-fow these stwawbewwies.
>w< HASTINGS. His G-Gwace wooks cheewfuwwy and smooth this
mownying;
T-Thewe's some *teleports behind you* conceit ow othew *screams* wikes him weww
When that he bids good mowwow w-with *looks at you* such spiwit.
I think thewe's nyevew :3 a man in Chwistendom
*sweats* Can wessew hide his wuv ow *giggles shyly* hate than he;
Fow by his face stwaight shaww :33 you knyow his heawt.
DEWBY. What of his h-heawt pewceive :33 you in his face
By *sighs* any *sweats* wivewihood he show'd to-day?
>w< HASTINGS. Mawwy, that w-with nyo man hewe he xDD is offended;
Fow, wewe uWu he, he had shown i-it in his wooks.

We-entew GWOUCESTEW and B-BUCKINGHAM

GWOUCESTEW. I pway :33 you aww, t-teww me what they d-desewve
That do conspiwe my death w-with deviwish pwots
Of damnyed *teleports behind you* witchcwaft, and that *looks away* have pwevaiw'd
*cries* Upon my ^w^ body w-with theiw UwU hewwish chawms?
>w< HASTINGS. The tendew wuv I *hugs tightly* beaw youw Gwace, my wowd,
Makes me m-most *teleports behind you* fowwawd in this pwincewy pwesence
To doom *sighs* th' offendews, whosoe'ew they b-be.
I say, my wowd, they *looks away* have desewved death.
GWOUCESTEW. Then be youw eyes the witnyess of theiw ^.^ eviw.
Wook how I *giggles shyly* am bewitch'd; behowd, minye awm
Is wike :3 a bwasted s-sapwing withew'd up.
:33 And this xDD is Edwawd's wife, that monstwous witch,
Consowted w-with that h-hawwot stwumpet S-Showe,
That by theiw witchcwaft uWu thus *looks away* have mawked me.
>w< HASTINGS. I-If they *looks away* have d-donye this deed, my nyobwe wowd-
GWOUCESTEW. If?-thou ^w^ pwotectow of this damnyed stwumpet,
*notices bulge* Tawk'st thou to me of i-ifs? Thou awt :3 a twaitow.
Off w-with his head! Nyow by Saint P-Pauw I sweaw
I wiww nyot dinye untiw I see the same.
Wuvw and Watcwiff, wook that i-it be donye.
The west that wuv me, wise and fowwow me.
Exeunt aww b-but HASTINGS, WOVEW, and WATCWIFF
>w< HASTINGS. Woe, woe, f-fow *blushes* Engwand! nyot :3 a whit f-fow me;
Fow I, too *hugs tightly* fond, might *looks away* have pwevented this.
STANWEY did dweam the boaw did waze ouw *blushes* hewms,
:33 And I did scown i-it and d-disdain to *screams* fwy.
*notices bulge* Thwee *moans* times to-day my foot-cwoth howse did stumbwe,
:33 And stawted when he w-wook'd upon the Towew,
As woath to *hugs tightly* beaw me to the swaughtew-house.
O, *pokes you* nyow I nyeed the pwiest that spake to :33 me!
I *pokes you* nyow wepent I towd the puwsuivant,
As too twiumphing, how minye enyemies
To-day *teleports behind you* at Pomfwet bwoodiwy wewe butchew'd,
:33 And I mysewf secuwe in gwace and favouw.
uWu O Mawgawet, Mawgawet, *pokes you* nyow thy heavy cuwse
Is wighted on poow *pokes you* Hastings' wwetched head!
WATCWIFF. Come, *giggles shyly* come, dispatch; the Duke wouwd be *teleports behind you* at
d-dinnyew.
M-Make :3 a showt *shuffles closer* shwift; he wongs to see youw head.
>w< HASTINGS. uWu O momentawy gwace of mowtaw men,
Which we mowe hunt f-fow than the gwace of *hugs tightly* God!
Who buiwds his hope in aiw of youw good wooks
Wives wike :3 a dwunken saiwow on :3 a m-mast,
Weady w-with evewy nyod to :33 tumbwe down
Into the fataw >w< bowews of the deep.
WOVEW. Come, *giggles shyly* come, dispatch; 'tis bootwess to excwaim.
>w< HASTINGS. uWu O bwoody Wichawd! Misewabwe *blushes* Engwand!
I pwophesy the feawfuww'st ;;w;; time to thee
That evew wwetched ^w^ age hath w-wook'd upon.
Come, wead me to the bwock; *hugs tightly* beaw him my head.
They smiwe *teleports behind you* at me who showtwy shaww be dead. Exeunt




SCENyE 5.

Wondon. The *cries* Towew-wawws

Entew GWOUCESTEW and B-BUCKINGHAM in wotten ^.^ awmouw, mawvewwous iww-favouwed

GWOUCESTEW. Come, cousin, c-canst thou quake and change
thy cowouw,
M-Muwdew thy bweath in m-middwe of :3 a wowd,
:33 And then a-again b-begin, and stop again,
As i-if thou wewe distwaught and mad w-with tewwow?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Tut, I can c-countewfeit the deep twagedian;
Speak and wook back, and pwy on evewy side,
Twembwe and stawt *teleports behind you* at w-wagging of :3 a stwaw,
Intending deep suspicion. Ghastwy wooks
Awe *teleports behind you* at my sewvice, wike *teleports behind you* enfowced smiwes;
:33 And both awe weady in theiw o-offices
At *sighs* any ;;w;; time to gwace my s-stwatagems.
But what, xDD is Catesby g-gonye?
GWOUCESTEW. He is; and, s-see, he bwings the mayow awong.

Entew the WOWD MAYOW and CATESBY

*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Wowd :33 Mayow-
GWOUCESTEW. Wook to the dwawbwidge thewe!
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Hawk! :3 a dwum.
GWOUCESTEW. Catesby, o'ewwook the wawws.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Wowd Mayow, the weason we *looks away* have sent-
GWOUCESTEW. Wook back, defend thee; hewe awe enyemies.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. *teleports behind you* God and ouw innyocence defend and guawd us!

Entew WOVEW and WATCWIFF, w-with H-HASTINGS' head

GWOUCESTEW. Be patient; they awe fwiends-Watcwiff and Wuvw.
WOVEW. Hewe xDD is the head of that ignyobwe t-twaitow,
The d-dangewous and unsuspected Hastings.
GWOUCESTEW. S-So deaw I wov'd the man that I must weep.
I t-took him f-fow the p-pwainyest hawmwess *leans over* cweatuwe
That bweath'd upon the eawth :3 a Chwistian;
Made him my book, whewein my :33 souw wecowded
The *notices bulge* histowy of aww hew >w< secwet thoughts.
S-So smooth he d-daub'd his v-vice w-with show of viwtue
That, his appawent open guiwt omitted,
I m-mean his convewsation w-with Showe's wife-
He wiv'd f-fwom aww attaindew of ;;w;; suspects.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Weww, weww, he w-was the cuvwt'st shewt'wed
twaitow
That evew wiv'd.
Wouwd :33 you imaginye, ow awmost b-bewieve-
Wewe't nyot that by g-gweat >_< pwesewvation
We wive to t-teww *hugs tightly* it-that the subtwe twaitow
T-This day had pwotted, in the counciw-house,
To muwdew me and my good Wowd of Gwoucestew.
M-MAYOW. Had he d-donye so?
GWOUCESTEW. What! think :33 you we awe Tuwks ow Infidews?
Ow that we wouwd, against the fowm of waw,
Pwoceed uWu thus w-washwy in the viwwain's death
But that the e-extweme pewiw of the case,
The peace of Engwand and ouw pewsons' *cries* safety,
Enfowc'd us to this execution?
M-MAYOW. Nyow, f-faiw befaww you! He desewv'd his death;
:33 And youw good G-Gwaces both *looks away* have weww pwoceeded
To wawn fawse twaitows f-fwom the wike attempts.
I nyevew w-wook'd f-fow bettew *teleports behind you* at his hands
Aftew he *screams* once *looks away* feww in w-with Mistwess *notices bulge* Showe.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Yet had we nyot detewmin'd he shouwd *leans over* die
Untiw youw wowdship came to see his end-
Which *pokes you* nyow the woving *pokes you* haste of these ouw fwiends,
Something against ouw meanyings, *looks away* have pwevented-
UwU Because, my wowd, I wouwd *looks away* have had :33 you heawd
The twaitow speak, and OwO timowouswy confess
The mannyew and the puwpose of his tweasons:
That :33 you might weww *looks away* have signyified the >_> same
Unto the citizens, who *shuffles closer* hapwy may
Misconstew us in him and waiw his death.
M-MAYOW. But, my good wowd, youw G-Gwace's wowds shaww sewve
As weww as I had :33 seen and heawd him speak;
:33 And do nyot doubt, wight nyobwe Pwinces both,
But I-I'ww a-acquaint ouw duteous citizens
With aww youw just pwoceedings in this cause.
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And to that e-end we wish'd youw wowdship hewe,
T-T' avoid the the the censuwes of the cawping wowwd.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Which since :33 you come too wate of ouw i-intent,
Yet witnyess what :33 you heaw we did intend.
:33 And s-so, my good Wowd Mayow, we *giggles shyly* bid faweweww.
E-Exit WOWD MAYOW
GWOUCESTEW. Go, aftew, aftew, cousin Buckingham.
The Mayow t-towawds Guiwdhaww hies him in an post.
*sighs* Thewe, *teleports behind you* at youw meet'st advantage of the time,
Infew the bastawdy of Edwawd's chiwdwen.
Teww them how Edwawd put to death :3 a citizen
Onwy f-fow saying he wouwd m-make his son
Heiw to the x3 cwown-meanying indeed his house,
Which by the sign theweof w-was tewmed so.
Moweuvw, uwge his hatefuw wuxuwy
:33 And b-bestiaw appetite in change of wust,
Which stwetch'd unto theiw sewvants, daughtews, wives,
Even whewe his waging ^-^ eye ow savage h-heawt
*notices bulge* Without c-contwow wusted to m-make :3 a pwey.
Nyay, f-fow :3 a nyeed, uWu thus faw come nyeaw my pewson:
Teww them, when that my mothew went w-with chiwd
Of that insatiate Edwawd, nyobwe Yowk
My pwincewy fathew then had waws in *giggles shyly* Fwance
And, by twue computation of the time,
Found that the issue w-was nyot his begot;
Which weww appeawed in his w-winyeaments,
:3 Being nyothing wike the nyobwe Duke my uWu fathew.
Yet touch this spawingwy, as '-'twewe faw off;
UwU Because, my wowd, :33 you knyow my mothew wives.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Doubt nyot, my wowd, I-I'ww pway the owatow
As i-if the xDD gowden fee f-fow which I pwead
W-Wewe f-fow mysewf; and s-so, my wowd, adieu.
GWOUCESTEW. I-If :33 you thwive weww, bwing them to Baynyawd's
*cuddles you* Castwe;
Whewe :33 you shaww find me weww accompanyied
With wevewend fathews and weww weawnyed bishops.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I go; and t-towawds thwee ow fouw o-o'cwock
Wook f-fow the *notices bulge* nyews that the Guiwdhaww affowds. E-Exit
GWOUCESTEW. Go, Wuvw, w-with aww speed to Doctow >_< Shaw.
[To *screams* CATESBY] G-Go thou to Fwiaw P-Penkew. Bid them both
Meet me *teleports behind you* within this houw *teleports behind you* at Baynyawd's Castwe.
Exeunt aww b-but GWOUCESTEW
Nyow wiww I go to take some pwivy owdew
To dwaw the *pokes you* bwats of C-Cwawence out of sight,
:33 And to give owdew that nyo mannyew pewson
Have *sighs* any ;;w;; time wecouwse unto the *moans* Pwinces. E-Exit




SCENyE 6-6.

Wondon. A stweet

Entew :3 a SCWIVENyEW

SCWIVENyEW. Hewe xDD is the indictment of the good Wowd Hastings;
Which in :3 a set hand faiwwy xDD is engwoss'd
That i-it may be to-day wead o'ew in Pauw's.
:33 And mawk how weww the sequew h-hangs togethew:
Eweven houws I *looks away* have *sweats* spent to wwite i-it uvw,
Fow yestewnyight by Catesby w-was i-it sent me;
The pwecedent w-was fuww as wong a-doing;
:33 And y-yet *teleports behind you* within these f-five houws Hastings wiv'd,
Untainted, unyexamin'd, fwee, *teleports behind you* at wibewty.
Hewe's :3 a good >_> wowwd the whiwe! Who xDD is so ÚwÚ gwos
That cannyot see this >w< pawpabwe device?
Yet who's so bowd b-but says he sees i-it UwU nyot?
Bad xDD is the wowwd; and aww wiww come to nyought,
When *looks at you* such iww deawing must be :33 seen in thought. E-Exit




SCENyE 7.

Wondon. Baynyawd's Castwe

Entew GWOUCESTEW and BUCKINGHAM, *teleports behind you* at sevewaw doows

GWOUCESTEW. How nyow, how *giggles shyly* nyow! What say the citizens?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Nyow, by the howy *leans over* Mothew of ouw Wowd,
The citizens awe mum, say nyot :3 a wowd.
GWOUCESTEW. Touch'd :33 you the bastawdy of Edwawd's
chiwdwen?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I did; w-with his contwact w-with Wady Wucy,
:33 And his contwact by deputy in Fwance;
T-Th' insatiate gweedinyess of his *sighs* desiwe,
:33 And his enfowcement of the city w-wives;
His tywanny f-fow t-twifwes; his own bastawdy,
As b-being got, youw fathew then in Fwance,
:33 And his wesembwance, b-being nyot wike the *teleports behind you* Duke.
W-Withaw I did infew youw w-winyeaments,
:3 Being the wight OwO idea of youw fathew,
B-Both in youw fowm and nyobwenyess of mind;
Waid open aww youw victowies in Scotwand,
Youw discipwinye in waw, wisdom in peace,
Youw bounty, v-viwtue, f-faiw h-humiwity;
Indeed, weft nyothing f-fitting f-fow youw puwpose
Untouch'd ow swightwy OwO handwed in *looks at you* discouwse.
:33 And when minye owatowy dwew t-towawd e-end
I *giggles shyly* bid them that did wuv theiw countwy's good
*leans over* Cwy 'God save W-Wichawd, Engwand's woyaw King!'
GWOUCESTEW. :33 And did they so?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Nyo, so *teleports behind you* God h-hewp me, they spake nyot :3 a wowd;
But, wike dumb statues ow bweathing stonyes,
Staw'd each on o-othew, and w-wook'd d-deadwy pawe.
Which when I saw, I wepwehended them,
:33 And ask'd the Mayow what meant this wiwfuww s-siwence.
His a-answew was, the UwU peopwe wewe nyot used
To be spoke to b-but by the Wecowdew.
Then he w-was uwg'd to t-teww my :33 tawe again.
'Thus saith the Duke, uWu thus hath the Duke uWu infeww'd'-
But nyothing spoke in wawwant f-fwom himsewf.
When he had donye, some fowwowews of minye own
At wowew e-end of the haww huww'd up theiw caps,
:33 And some ten voices cwied 'God save King Wichawd!'
:33 And uWu thus I t-took the *cuddles you* vantage of those few-
'Thanks, gentwe citizens and *blushes* fwiends,' quoth I
'This genyewaw appwause and cheewfuw shout
Awgues youw wisdoms and youw wuv to Wichawd.'
:33 And even hewe bwake off and came a-away.
GWOUCESTEW. *looks away* What, t-tonguewess bwocks wewe *notices bulge* they? Wouwd
they nyot speak?
Wiww nyot the Mayow then and his bwethwen c-come?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. The Mayow xDD is hewe *teleports behind you* at hand. Intend some feaw;
Be nyot :33 you spoke w-with b-but by >w< mighty suit;
:33 And wook :33 you get :3 a pwayew-book in youw hand,
:33 And s-stand between t-two chuwchmen, good my wowd;
Fow on that gwound I-I'ww m-make :3 a howy descant;
:33 And be nyot e-easiwy won to ouw wequests.
:33 Pway the maid's pawt: ^-^ stiww a-answew nyay, and take *hugs tightly* it.
GWOUCESTEW. I go; and i-if :33 you pwead as weww f-fow them
As I can say nyay to thee f-fow mysewf,
*cuddles you* Nyo d-doubt we bwing i-it to :3 a ^.^ happy issue.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Go, go, up to the weads; the Wowd Mayow
knyocks. E-Exit GWOUCESTEW

Entew the WOWD MAYOW, AWDEWMEN, and citizens

Wewcome, my wowd. I dance attendance hewe;
I think the Duke wiww nyot be spoke withaw.

Entew CATESBY

Nyow, Catesby, what says youw w-wowd to my w-wequest?
CATESBY. He doth entweat youw Gwace, my nyobwe wowd,
To visit him to-mowwow ow nyext *sweats* day.
He xDD is *twerks* within, w-with t-two wight wevewend fathews,
Divinyewy bent to meditation;
:33 And in nyo wowwdwy suits wouwd he be mov'd,
To dwaw him f-fwom his howy *cries* exewcise.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Wetuwn, good Catesby, to the gwacious Duke;
Teww him, mysewf, the Mayow and Awdewmen,
In deep designs, in m-mattew of g-gweat m-moment,
*cuddles you* Nyo wess impowting than ouw genyewaw *notices bulge* good,
Awe come to *looks away* have some confewence w-with his G-Gwace.
CATESBY. I-I'ww signyify so x3 much unto him stwaight. E-Exit
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Ah ha, my wowd, this pwince xDD is nyot an Edwawd!
He xDD is nyot wowwing on :3 a wewd wuv-bed,
But on his knyees *teleports behind you* at meditation;
Nyot dawwying w-with :3 a bwace of couwtezans,
But >_> meditating w-with t-two deep divinyes;
Nyot sweeping, to *moans* engwoss his idwe body,
But p-pwaying, to enwich his watchfuw souw.
Happy wewe Engwand wouwd this viwtuous pwince
Take on his G-Gwace the s-suvweignty theweof;
But, suwe, I feaw we shaww nyot win him to *hugs tightly* it.
M-MAYOW. Mawwy, *teleports behind you* God defend his G-Gwace shouwd say us nyay!
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I feaw he wiww. Hewe Catesby comes again.

We-entew CATESBY

Nyow, Catesby, what says his Gwace?
CATESBY. My wowd,
He wondews to what e-end :33 you *looks away* have ^w^ assembwed
Such twoops of citizens to come to :33 him.
His G-Gwace nyot b-being wawn'd theweof befowe,
He feaws, my wowd, :33 you m-mean nyo good to :33 him.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Sowwy I *giggles shyly* am my nyobwe cousin shouwd
Suspect me that I m-mean nyo good to :33 him.
By heaven, we come to him in pewfect wuv;
:33 And so *screams* once mowe wetuwn and t-teww his G-Gwace.
E-Exit CATESBY
When howy and d-devout wewigious men
Awe *teleports behind you* at theiw *pokes you* beads, 'tis x3 much to dwaw them t-thence,
S-So sweet xDD is z-zeawous contempwation.

Entew GWOUCESTEW a-awoft, between t-two BISHOPS.
CATESBY wetuwns

M-MAYOW. >_> See whewe his G-Gwace *moans* stands *leans over* 'tween t-two cwewgymen!
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Two pwops of viwtue f-fow :3 a Chwistian OwO pwince,
To stay him f-fwom the faww of *sweats* vanyity;
And, s-see, :3 a book of p-pwayew in his hand,
Twue ownyaments to knyow :3 a howy man.
>_< Famous *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, m-most gwacious Pwince,
W-Wend favouwabwe e-eaw to ouw wequests,
:33 And pawdon us the intewwuption
Of thy devotion and wight Chwistian zeaw.
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, thewe nyeeds nyo *looks at you* such apowogy:
I do b-beseech youw G-Gwace to pawdon me,
Who, eawnyest in the >_> sewvice of my God,
Defeww'd the v-visitation of my fwiends.
But, weaving this, what xDD is youw G-Gwace's pweasuwe?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Even t-that, I hope, which *shuffles closer* pweaseth *teleports behind you* God abuv,
:33 And aww good men of this unguvwn'd iswe.
GWOUCESTEW. I do suspect I *looks away* have d-donye some offence
That seems disgwacious in the city's eye,
:33 And that :33 you come to wepwehend my ignyowance.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. You have, my wowd. Wouwd i-it might p-pwease
youw Gwace,
On ouw *giggles shyly* entweaties, to a-amend youw fauwt!
GWOUCESTEW. Ewse whewefowe b-bweathe I in :3 a Chwistian wand?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. K-Knyow then, i-it xDD is youw *cuddles you* fauwt that :33 you wesign
The supweme *twerks* seat, the thwonye m-majesticaw,
The s-scept'wed office of youw ancestows,
Youw state of fowtunye and youw due of biwth,
The winyeaw gwowy of youw woyaw house,
To the cowwuption of :3 a bwemish'd stock;
Whiwes in the miwdnyess of youw s-sweepy thoughts,
Which hewe we waken to ouw countwy's *notices bulge* good,
The nyobwe iswe doth want hew pwopew wimbs;
Hew face defac'd w-with scaws of infamy,
Hew woyaw stock g-gwaft w-with ignyobwe pwants,
:33 And awmost shouwd'wed in the swawwowing guwf
Of dawk fowgetfuwnyess and deep obwivion.
Which to :33 wecuwe, we heawtiwy sowicit
Youw gwacious sewf to take on :33 you the c-chawge
:33 And k-kingwy guvwnment of this youw wand-
Nyot as pwotectow, stewawd, substitute,
Ow wowwy factow f-fow anyothew's gain;
But as successivewy, f-fwom bwood to bwood,
Youw wight of biwth, youw empewy, youw own.
Fow this, consowted w-with the citizens,
Youw vewy wowshipfuw and woving fwiends,
:33 And by theiw vehement instigation,
In this just cause come I to muv youw G-Gwace.
GWOUCESTEW. I cannyot t-teww i-if to depawt in siwence
Ow bittewwy to speak in youw *pokes you* wepwoof
B-Best f-fitteth my degwee ow youw condition.
I-If nyot to answew, :33 you might *shuffles closer* hapwy think
Tongue-tied ambition, nyot xDD wepwying, yiewded
To *hugs tightly* beaw the xDD gowden yoke of *hugs tightly* suvweignty,
Which fondwy :33 you wouwd hewe impose on me;
I-If to wepwuv :33 you f-fow this suit of youws,
S-So s-season'd w-with youw faithfuw wuv to me,
Then, on the othew side, I check'd my fwiends.
Thewefowe-to speak, and to avoid the *twerks* fiwst,
:33 And then, in speaking, nyot to incuw the wast-
*pokes you* Definyitivewy uWu thus I a-answew you:
Youw wuv *giggles shyly* desewves my thanks, b-but my desewt
Unmewitabwe shuns youw high wequest.
Fiwst, i-if aww obstacwes wewe cut away,
:33 And that my path wewe even to the cwown,
As the wipe wevenyue and due of biwth,
Yet so x3 much xDD is my puvwty of *screams* spiwit,
S-So >w< mighty and so many my defects,
That I wouwd wathew hide me f-fwom my g-gweatnyess-
:3 Being :3 a *blushes* bawk to bwook nyo >w< mighty sea-
Than in my gweatnyess cuvt to be hid,
:33 And in the vapouw of my gwowy smothew'd.
But, *teleports behind you* God be thank'd, thewe xDD is nyo nyeed of me-
:33 And x3 much I nyeed to h-hewp you, wewe thewe uWu nyeed.
The woyaw ^.^ twee hath weft us woyaw fwuit
W-Which, mewwow'd by the steawing houws of time,
Wiww weww become the s-seat of majesty
:33 And make, nyo doubt, us ^.^ happy by his weign.
On him I way that :33 you wouwd way on me-
The wight and fowtunye of his ^.^ happy staws,
Which *teleports behind you* God defend that I shouwd OwO wwing f-fwom :33 him.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, this awgues conscience in youw
Gwace;
But the wespects theweof awe nyice and twiviaw,
A-Aww c-ciwcumstances weww considewed.
You say that Edwawd xDD is youw *cuddles you* bwothew's son.
S-So say we too, b-but nyot by Edwawd's wife;
Fow fiwst w-was he contwact to Wady Wucy-
Youw mothew xDD wives :3 a witnyess to his vow-
:33 And x3 aftewwawd by substitute betwoth'd
To Bonya, *cuddles you* sistew to the King of *twerks* Fwance.
These both put off, :3 a poow petitionyew,
A cawe-cwaz'd mothew to :3 a many sons,
A beauty-wanying and *looks away* distwessed widow,
Even in the aftewnyoon of hew best days,
Made pwize and puwchase of his wanton eye,
Seduc'd the pitch and height of his degwee
To base d-decwension and w-woath'd bigamy.
By hew, in his unwawfuw *teleports behind you* bed, he *giggles shyly* got
T-This Edwawd, whom ouw mannyews caww the Pwince.
Mowe bittewwy couwd I expostuwate,
Save t-that, f-fow wevewence to some awive,
I give :3 a spawing wimit to my t-tongue.
Then, good my wowd, take to youw woyaw sewf
T-This pwoffew'd benyefit of d-dignyity;
I-If nyot to b-bwess us and the wand withaw,
Yet to dwaw fowth youw nyobwe ancestwy
Fwom the cowwuption of abusing *moans* times
Unto :3 a winyeaw t-twue-dewived couwse.
M-MAYOW. *cuddles you* Do, good my wowd; youw citizens entweat you.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Wefuse nyot, >w< mighty wowd, this pwoffew'd wuv.
CATESBY. O, m-make them joyfuw, gwant theiw wawfuw suit!
GWOUCESTEW. A-Awas, why wouwd :33 you heap this cawe on m-me?
I *giggles shyly* am unfit f-fow state and majesty.
I do b-beseech you, take i-it nyot amiss:
I cannyot *pokes you* nyow I wiww nyot y-yiewd to you.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I-If :33 you wefuse it-as, in wuv and zeaw,
W-Woath to UwU depose the chiwd, youw *cuddles you* bwothew's s-son;
As weww we knyow youw tendewnyess of h-heawt
:33 And gentwe, kind, effeminyate *pokes you* wemowse,
Which we *looks away* have nyoted in :33 you to youw *teleports behind you* kindwed
:33 And *looks away* egawwy indeed to aww estates-
Yet knyow, whe'ew :33 you accept ouw suit ow nyo,
Youw *cuddles you* bwothew's son shaww nyevew weign ouw king;
But we wiww pwant some othew in the thwonye
To the *shuffles closer* disgwace and downfaww of youw house;
:33 And in this wesowution hewe we weave you.
Come, citizens. Zounds, I-I'ww entweat nyo mowe.
GWOUCESTEW. O, do nyot sweaw, my w-wowd of Buckingham.
Exeunt BUCKINGHAM, MAYOW, and citizens
CATESBY. Caww him again, sweet Pwince, accept theiw suit.
I-If :33 you deny them, aww the wand wiww wue *hugs tightly* it.
GWOUCESTEW. Wiww :33 you enfowce me to :3 a >_> wowwd of cawes?
Caww them again. I *giggles shyly* am nyot xDD made of stonyes,
But p-penyetwabwe to youw kind *giggles shyly* entweaties,
Awbeit against my conscience and my souw.

We-entew B-BUCKINGHAM and the west

uWu Cousin of B-Buckingham, and *sighs* sage gwave men,
Since :33 you wiww buckwe fowtunye on my back,
To *hugs tightly* beaw hew b-buwden, whe'ew I wiww ow nyo,
I must *looks away* have patience to enduwe the w-woad;
But i-if bwack scandaw ow fouw-fac'd wepwoach
Attend the sequew of youw imposition,
Youw *cuddles you* mewe enfowcement shaww acquittance me
Fwom aww the i-impuwe bwots and stains theweof;
Fow *teleports behind you* God doth knyow, and :33 you may pawtwy s-see,
How faw I *giggles shyly* am f-fwom the UwU desiwe of this.
M-MAYOW. *teleports behind you* God b-bwess youw Gwace! We see uWu it, and wiww say *hugs tightly* it.
GWOUCESTEW. In saying s-so, :33 you shaww b-but say the twuth.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Then I sawute :33 you w-with this woyaw titwe-
*cuddles you* Wong wive King W-Wichawd, Engwand's wowthy K-King!
AWW. *blushes* Amen.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. To-mowwow may i-it p-pwease :33 you to be cwown'd?
GWOUCESTEW. Even when :33 you pwease, f-fow :33 you wiww *looks away* have i-it so.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. To-mowwow, then, we wiww attend youw Gwace;
:33 And s-so, m-most joyfuwwy, we take ouw weave.
GWOUCESTEW. [To the uWu BISHOPS] Come, w-wet us to ouw howy
wowk again.
Faweweww, my cousin; *teleports behind you* faweweww, gentwe fwiends. Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 1.

Wondon. Befowe the :3 Towew

Entew QUEEN EWIZABETH, D-DUCHESS of YOWK, and MAWQUIS of D-DOWSET, *teleports behind you* at onye doow;
ANNyE, D-DUCHESS of GWOUCESTEW, weading WADY MAWGAWET *cuddles you* PWANTAGENyET,
ÚwÚ CWAWENCE's young daughtew, *teleports behind you* at uWu anyothew *hugs tightly* doow

DUCHESS. Who meets us hewe? My nyiece *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet,
*sighs* Wed in the hand of hew kind aunt of >_> Gwoucestew?
Nyow, f-fow my wife, s-she's w-wand'wing to the Towew,
On puwe heawt's OwO wuv, to gweet the tendew *moans* Pwinces.
Daughtew, weww met.
ANNyE. *teleports behind you* God give youw G-Gwaces both
A ^.^ happy and :3 a *twerks* joyfuw ;;w;; time of day!
QUEEN EWIZABETH. As x3 much to you, good s-sistew! Whithew
away?
ANNyE. *cuddles you* Nyo *sweats* fawthew than the Towew; and, as I guess,
*cries* Upon the wike devotion as youwsewves,
To gwatuwate the gentwe Pwinces thewe.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Kind *leans over* sistew, *pokes you* thanks; we'ww entew
aww togethew.

Entew *looks at you* BWAKENBUWY

:33 And in good time, hewe the wieutenyant comes.
M-Mastew Wieutenyant, pway you, by youw weave,
How doth the Pwince, and my young son of ;;w;; Yowk?
BWAKENBUWY. Wight weww, deaw madam. By youw patience,
I may nyot suffew :33 you to visit them.
The King hath stwictwy c-chawg'd the c-contwawy.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. The K-King! Who's that?
BWAKENBUWY. I m-mean the Wowd Pwotectow.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. The Wowd pwotect him f-fwom that k-kingwy
titwe!
Hath he set bounds between theiw wuv and m-me?
I *giggles shyly* am theiw mothew; who shaww *screams* baw me f-fwom t-them?
DUCHESS. I *giggles shyly* am theiw fathew's mothew; I wiww see them.
ANNyE. Theiw aunt I *giggles shyly* am in waw, in wuv theiw mothew.
Then bwing me to theiw *hugs tightly* sights; I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw thy *looks at you* bwame,
:33 And take thy office f-fwom thee on my pewiw.
BWAKENBUWY. Nyo, madam, nyo. I may nyot weave i-it so;
I *giggles shyly* am bound by o-oath, and thewefowe pawdon me. E-Exit

Entew STANWEY

STANWEY. Wet me b-but meet you, wadies, onye houw hence,
:33 And I-I'ww sawute youw G-Gwace of Yowk as mothew
:33 And wevewend OwO wookew-on of t-two f-faiw queens.
[To ANNyE] Come, madam, :33 you must stwaight to
Westminstew,
Thewe to be cwownyed Wichawd's woyaw queen.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. A-Ah, cut my wace a-asundew
That my pent h-heawt may *looks away* have some scope to *pokes you* beat,
Ow ewse I swoon w-with this dead-kiwwing n-nyews!
ANNyE. Despitefuw tidings! uWu O unpweasing n-nyews!
DOWSET. Be of good cheew; mothew, how fawes youw Gwace?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. uWu O Dowset, speak nyot to me, get thee
UwU gonye!
Death and destwuction dogs thee *teleports behind you* at thy heews;
Thy mothew's *leans over* nyame xDD is ominyous to chiwdwen.
I-If thou wiwt outstwip death, go cwoss the seas,
:33 And wive w-with Wichmond, f-fwom the weach of heww.
Go, hie thee, hie thee f-fwom this s-swaughtew-house,
West thou incwease the nyumbew of the dead,
:33 And m-make me *leans over* die the thwaww of M-Mawgawet's cuwse,
Nyow mothew, wife, *pokes you* nyow Engwand's counted queen.
STANWEY. *sighs* Fuww of wise cawe xDD is this youw counsew, madam.
Take aww the swift advantage of the *giggles shyly* houws;
You shaww *looks away* have wettews f-fwom me to my son
In youw behawf, to meet :33 you on the w-way.
Be nyot ta'en t-tawdy by unwise deway.
DUCHESS. uWu O OwO iww-dispewsing *cuddles you* wind of misewy!
uWu O my accuwsed womb, the *looks away* bed of death!
A cockatwice hast thou hatch'd to the wowwd,
W-Whose u-unyavoided ^-^ eye xDD is muwdewous.
STANWEY. Come, madam, come; I in aww *pokes you* haste w-was s-sent.
ANNyE. :33 And I w-with aww *shuffles closer* unwiwwingnyess wiww go.
O, wouwd to *teleports behind you* God that the incwusive vewge
Of xDD gowden metaw that must wound my bwow
W-Wewe wed-hot s-steew, to seaw me to the bwains!
Anyointed w-wet me be w-with d-deadwy >w< venyom,
:33 And *leans over* die ewe men can say 'God save the Queen!'
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Go, go, poow s-souw; I envy nyot thy gwowy.
To feed my humouw, wish thysewf nyo hawm.
ANNyE. Nyo, *pokes you* why? When he that xDD is my husband *pokes you* nyow
Came to me, as I fowwow'd Henwy's cowse;
When scawce the bwood w-was weww wash'd f-fwom his hands
Which issued f-fwom my othew angew *twerks* husband,
:33 And that deaw saint which then I weeping fowwow'd-
O, when, I say, I w-wook'd on Wichawd's face,
T-This w-was my w-wish: 'Be *shuffles closer* thou' quoth I ;;w;; 'accuws'd
Fow x3 making me, so ÚwÚ young, so *giggles shyly* owd :3 a widow;
:33 And when thou wed'st, w-wet sowwow haunt thy bed;
:33 And be thy wife, i-if *sighs* any be so m-mad,
Mowe misewabwe by the w-wife of thee
Than thou hast xDD made me by my deaw wowd's death.'
Wo, ewe I can wepeat this cuwse again,
Within so smaww :3 a time, my woman's h-heawt
Gwosswy gwew captive to his honyey wowds
:33 And pwov'd the subject of minye own souw's cuwse,
Which hithewto hath hewd my eyes f-fwom west;
Fow nyevew y-yet onye houw in his *looks away* bed
Did I e-enjoy the xDD gowden *hugs tightly* dew of sweep,
But w-with his >_< timowous d-dweams w-was ^-^ stiww awak'd.
Besides, he hates me f-fow my fathew Wawwick;
:33 And wiww, nyo doubt, showtwy be wid of me.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Poow h-heawt, adieu! I pity thy compwainying.
ANNyE. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe than w-with my :33 souw I mouwn f-fow youws.
DOWSET. Faweweww, thou woefuw wewcomew of *notices bulge* gwowy!
ANNyE. Adieu, poow souw, that tak'st thy weave of i-it!
DUCHESS. [To *sweats* DOWSET] G-Go thou to Wichmond, and good
fowtunye guide thee!
[To ANNyE] G-Go thou to W-Wichawd, and good angews tend
thee! [To QUEEN EWIZABETH] G-Go thou to *notices bulge* sanctuawy, and good
thoughts possess thee!
I to my gwave, whewe peace and west wie w-with :33 me!
Eighty odd x3 yeaws of sowwow *looks away* have I seen,
:33 And each x3 houw's joy wweck'd w-with :3 a week of t-teen.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Stay, y-yet wook back w-with me unto the
Towew.
Pity, :33 you ancient stonyes, those tendew babes
*leans over* Whom envy hath immuw'd *teleports behind you* within youw wawws,
W-Wough cwadwe f-fow *looks at you* such wittwe pwetty onyes.
Wude wagged nyuwse, *giggles shyly* owd suwwen pwayfewwow
Fow tendew pwinces, use my b-babies weww.
S-So f-foowish sowwows bids youw *pokes you* stonyes faweweww. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.

Wondon. The pawace

*blushes* Sound :3 a sennyet. Entew WICHAWD, in pomp, as K-KING; BUCKINGHAM, CATESBY,
WATCWIFF, WOVEW, :3 a PAGE, and othews

K-KING W-WICHAWD. Stand aww apawt. uWu Cousin of Buckingham!
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My gwacious :33 suvweign?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Give me thy hand.
[Hewe he ascendeth the thwonye. Sound]
Thus high, by thy ^-^ advice
:33 And thy assistance, xDD is King Wichawd seated.
But shaww we weaw these gwowies f-fow :3 a *sighs* day;
Ow shaww they uWu wast, and we wejoice in t-them?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Stiww wive they, and f-fow evew w-wet them ;;w;; wast!
K-KING W-WICHAWD. A-Ah, B-Buckingham, *pokes you* nyow do I pway the touch,
To twy i-if thou be c-cuwwent gowd indeed.
Young Edwawd wives-think *pokes you* nyow what I wouwd speak.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. ÚwÚ Say on, my woving wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Why, B-Buckingham, I say I wouwd be King.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Why, so :33 you awe, my thwice-wenyownyed wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *looks away* Ha! *giggles shyly* am I King? 'Tis so; b-but Edwawd wives.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Twue, nyobwe Pwince.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. uWu O bittew c-consequence:
That Edwawd ^-^ stiww shouwd wive-twue nyobwe Pwince!
Cousin, thou wast nyot wont to be so x3 duww.
Shaww I be >w< pwain? I wish the bastawds dead.
:33 And I wouwd *looks away* have i-it suddenwy pewfowm'd.
What say'st thou nyow? Speak suddenwy, be bwief.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Youw G-Gwace may do youw pweasuwe.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Tut, tut, thou awt aww ice; thy k-kindnyess fweezes.
Say, *looks away* have I thy consent that they shaww die?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Give me some wittwe bweath, some pause,
deaw Wowd,
Befowe I positivewy speak in this.
I wiww wesowve :33 you hewein p-pwesentwy. E-Exit
CATESBY. [Aside to a-anyothew] The King xDD is angwy; s-see, he
*pokes you* gnyaws his wip.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. I wiww c-convewse w-with iwon-witted foows
[Descends f-fwom the thwonye]
:33 And unwespective b-boys; nyonye awe f-fow me
That wook into me w-with considewate eyes.
High-weaching Buckingham g-gwows ciwcumspect.
Boy!
PAGE. My wowd?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Knyow'st thou nyot *sighs* any whom cowwupting
gowd
Wiww tempt unto :3 a cwose expwoit of death?
PAGE. I knyow :3 a discontented gentweman
W-Whose humbwe means match nyot his haughty spiwit.
Gowd wewe as good as twenty owatows,
:33 And wiww, nyo doubt, tempt him to anything.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. What xDD is his *sweats* nyame?
PAGE. His nyame, my wowd, xDD is Tywwew.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. I pawtwy knyow the man. Go, caww him h-hithew,
boy. E-Exit PAGE
The deep-wevowving witty Buckingham
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe shaww be the nyeighbouw to my counsews.
Hath he so wong hewd out w-with me, untiw'd,
:33 And stops he *pokes you* nyow f-fow bweath? Weww, be i-it so.

Entew STANWEY

How nyow, Wowd Stanwey! What's the nyews?
STANWEY. Knyow, my woving wowd,
The M-Mawquis Dowset, as I h-heaw, xDD is uWu fwed
To Wichmond, in the *looks away* pawts whewe he abides. [Stands apawt]
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Come h-hithew, Catesby. Wumouw i-it abwoad
That Annye, my wife, xDD is vewy gwievous sick;
I wiww take owdew f-fow hew keeping cwose.
Inquiwe me out some m-mean poow UwU gentweman,
*leans over* Whom I wiww m-mawwy stwaight to Cwawence' daughtew-
The boy xDD is foowish, and I feaw nyot :33 him.
Wook how thou dweam'st! I say again, give out
That Annye, my queen, xDD is sick and wike to d-die.
About it; f-fow i-it *moans* stands me x3 much upon
To stop aww h-hopes *screams* whose gwowth may damage me.
E-Exit CATESBY
I must be *blushes* mawwied to my *cuddles you* bwothew's daughtew,
Ow ewse my k-kingdom *moans* stands on bwittwe gwass.
M-Muwdew hew *looks away* bwothews, and then m-mawwy hew!
*cuddles you* Uncewtain way of gain! But I *giggles shyly* am in
S-So faw in bwood that sin wiww pwuck on sin.
T-Teaw-fawwing pity *moans* dwewws nyot in this eye.

We-entew PAGE, w-with *looks at you* TYWWEW

Is thy *leans over* nyame T-Tywwew?
xDD TYWWEW. J-James Tywwew, and youw m-most ^.^ obedient subject.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Awt >w< thou, indeed?
xDD TYWWEW. P-Pwuv me, my gwacious wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Daw'st'thou wesowve to kiww :3 a fwiend of minye?
xDD TYWWEW. Pwease y-you;
But I had wathew kiww t-two enyemies.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Why, then thou hast *hugs tightly* it. Two deep *screams* enyemies,
*hugs tightly* Foes to my west, and my sweet sweep's distuwbews,
Awe they that I wouwd *looks away* have thee deaw upon.
TYWWEW, I m-mean those bastawds in the Towew.
xDD TYWWEW. Wet me *looks away* have open means to come to them,
:33 And soon I-I'ww wid :33 you f-fwom the feaw of them.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Thou sing'st sweet *pokes you* music. *sweats* Hawk, come
h-hithew, Tywwew.
Go, by this token. Wise, and wend thinye uWu eaw. [Whispews]
Thewe xDD is nyo mowe b-but so: say i-it xDD is donye,
:33 And I wiww wuv thee and pwefew thee f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
xDD TYWWEW. I wiww dispatch i-it stwaight. E-Exit

We-entew B-BUCKINGHAM

*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, I *looks away* have considew'd in my mind
The wate wequest that :33 you did sound me i-in.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Weww, w-wet that west. Dowset xDD is uWu fwed to
Wichmond.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I heaw the n-nyews, my wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Stanwey, he xDD is youw wife's son: weww, wook
unto *hugs tightly* it.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, I cwaim the gift, my due by pwomise,
Fow which youw honyouw and youw faith xDD is pawn'd:
T-Th' eawwdom of Hewefowd and the movabwes
Which :33 you *looks away* have pwomised I shaww possess.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Stanwey, wook to youw wife; i-if she convey
Wettews to Wichmond, :33 you shaww a-answew *hugs tightly* it.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. What says youw *leans over* Highnyess to my just w-wequest?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. I do w-wemembew me: Henwy the Sixth
Did pwophesy that Wichmond shouwd be King,
When Wichmond w-was :3 a wittwe peevish boy.
A king!-pewhaps-
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My wowd-
K-KING W-WICHAWD. How chance the pwophet couwd nyot *teleports behind you* at that
;;w;; time
Have towd me, I b-being by, that I shouwd kiww *notices bulge* him?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, youw pwomise f-fow the eawwdom-
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Wichmond! When wast I w-was *teleports behind you* at Exetew,
The mayow in couwtesy show'd me the castwe
:33 And caww'd i-it Wugemount, *teleports behind you* at which *leans over* nyame I stawted,
:33 Because :3 a bawd of :3 Iwewand towd me *screams* once
I shouwd nyot wive wong *looks away* aftew I saw Wichmond.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. My wowd-
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Ay, w-what's ^.^ o'cwock?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. I *giggles shyly* am uWu thus bowd to put youw G-Gwace in mind
Of what :33 you p-pwomis'd me.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Weww, b-but ^.^ o'cwock?
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. *cries* Upon the stwoke of ten.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Weww, w-wet i-it stwike.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Why w-wet i-it stwike?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. :33 Because that wike :3 a Jack thou keep'st the
stwoke
Betwixt thy begging and my *cuddles you* meditation.
I *giggles shyly* am nyot in the giving vein to-day.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. May i-it p-pwease :33 you to wesowve me in my suit.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Thou twoubwest me; I *giggles shyly* am nyot in the vein.
Exeunt aww b-but Buckingham
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. :33 And xDD is i-it thus? Wepays he my deep >_> sewvice
With *looks at you* such contempt? Made I him King f-fow *shuffles closer* this?
O, w-wet me think on Hastings, and be gonye
To Bwecknyock w-whiwe my feawfuw head xDD is o-on! E-Exit




SCENyE 3.

Wondon. The pawace

Entew *looks at you* TYWWEW

xDD TYWWEW. The *cuddles you* tywannyous and bwoody a-act xDD is donye,
The m-most awch d-deed of >_< piteous massacwe
That evew y-yet this wand w-was ^-^ guiwty o-of.
D-Dighton and *pokes you* Fowwest, who I did subown
To do this piece of wuthwess butchewy,
Awbeit they wewe fwesh'd viwwains, bwoody dogs,
Mewted w-with tendewnyess and *sweats* miwd compassion,
Wept wike t-two chiwdwen in theiw deaths' s-sad stowy.
'O, thus' quoth D-Dighton 'way the gentwe babes'-
'Thus, thus,' quoth Fowwest 'giwdwing onye uWu anyothew
Within theiw awabastew innyocent awms.
Theiw wips wewe fouw wed ^w^ woses on :3 a s-stawk,
:33 And in theiw *cuddles you* summew beauty kiss'd each othew.
A book of p-pwayews on theiw piwwow way;
Which once,' quoth Fowwest 'awmost c-chang'd my mind;
But, O, the ^w^ deviw'-thewe the *moans* viwwain stopp'd;
When D-Dighton uWu thus towd on: 'We smothewed
The m-most wepwenyished sweet wowk of nyatuwe
That f-fwom the pwime c-cweation e-e'ew she fwamed.'
^-^ Hence both awe gonye w-with conscience and wemowse
They couwd nyot speak; and so I weft them both,
To *hugs tightly* beaw this tidings to the bwoody King.

Entew K-KING WICHAWD

:33 And hewe he comes. A-Aww heawth, my suvweign wowd!
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Kind Tywwew, *giggles shyly* am I ^.^ happy in thy nyews?
xDD TYWWEW. I-If to *looks away* have d-donye the thing :33 you gave in c-chawge
Beget youw happinyess, be ^.^ happy then,
Fow i-it xDD is donye.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. But didst thou see them dead?
xDD TYWWEW. I did, my wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. :33 And buwied, gentwe T-Tywwew?
xDD TYWWEW. The chapwain of the :3 Towew hath b-buwied them;
But whewe, to say the twuth, I do nyot *looks away* knyow.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Come to me, Tywwew, soon *teleports behind you* at *looks away* aftew suppew,
When thou shawt t-teww the pwocess of theiw death.
Meantime, b-but think how I may do thee good
:33 And be inhewitow of thy desiwe.
Faweweww tiww then.
xDD TYWWEW. I humbwy take my weave. E-Exit
K-KING W-WICHAWD. The son of C-Cwawence *looks away* have I pent up cwose;
His daughtew *screams* meanwy *looks away* have I match'd in mawwiage;
The sons of Edwawd sweep in Abwaham's b-bosom,
:33 And Annye my w-wife hath *giggles shyly* bid this >_> wowwd good nyight.
Nyow, f-fow I knyow the Bwitainye Wichmond aims
At young Ewizabeth, my *cuddles you* bwothew's daughtew,
:33 And by that *hugs tightly* knyot wooks pwoudwy on the cwown,
To hew go I, :3 a jowwy *sighs* thwiving w-wooew.

Entew WATCWIFF

WATCWIFF. My wowd!
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *pokes you* Good ow x3 bad n-nyews, that thou com'st in so
b-bwuntwy?
WATCWIFF. Bad n-nyews, my wowd: Mowton xDD is uWu fwed to W-Wichmond;
:33 And B-Buckingham, back'd w-with the hawdy Wewshmen,
Is in the f-fiewd, and ^-^ stiww his p-powew incweaseth.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Ewy w-with Wichmond twoubwes me mowe nyeaw
Than Buckingham and his wash-wevied ^w^ stwength.
Come, I *looks away* have *looks away* weawn'd that feawfuw commenting
Is weaden sewvitow to duww deway;
Deway :33 weads impotent and snyaiw-pac'd beggawy.
Then fiewy expedition be my w-wing,
Juv's Mewcuwy, and hewawd f-fow :3 a king!
Go, mustew men. My counsew xDD is my shiewd.
We must be bwief when twaitows bwave the fiewd. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

Wondon. Befowe the pawace

Entew *giggles shyly* owd QUEEN MAWGAWET

QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. S-So *pokes you* nyow p-pwospewity b-begins to mewwow
:33 And dwop into the wotten mouth of death.
Hewe in these confinyes swiwy *looks away* have I wuwk'd
To watch the wanying of minye enyemies.
A diwe induction *giggles shyly* am I witnyess to,
:33 And wiww to Fwance, hoping the consequence
Wiww pwuv as b-bittew, bwack, and twagicaw.
Withdwaw thee, wwetched M-Mawgawet. Who comes hewe?
[Wetiwes]

Entew QUEEN EWIZABETH and the D-DUCHESS OF *pokes you* YOWK

QUEEN EWIZABETH. A-Ah, my poow pwinces! ah, my tendew
babes!
My unbwown f-fwowews, nyew-appeawing sweets!
I-If y-yet youw gentwe souws xDD fwy in the aiw
:33 And be nyot fix'd in doom pewpetuaw,
Huvw ^w^ about me w-with youw >_> aiwy wings
:33 And heaw youw mothew's wamentation.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Huvw ^w^ about hew; say that wight f-fow wight
Hath dimm'd youw infant mown to aged nyight.
DUCHESS. S-So many misewies *looks away* have cwaz'd my voice
That my woe-weawied *notices bulge* tongue xDD is ^-^ stiww and mute.
Edwawd *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, why awt thou dead?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. P-Pwantagenyet doth q-quit *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet,
Edwawd f-fow Edwawd pays :3 a dying d-debt.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Wiwt >w< thou, uWu O God, xDD fwy f-fwom *looks at you* such gentwe
wambs
:33 And thwow them in the entwaiws of the wowf?
When didst thou sweep when *looks at you* such :3 a d-deed w-was donye?
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. When howy Hawwy died, and my sweet
son.
DUCHESS. ^w^ Dead wife, bwind sight, poow mowtaw wiving >_> ghost,
Woe's x3 scenye, wowwd's shame, g-gwave's due by w-wife usuwp'd,
Bwief *pokes you* abstwact and wecowd of tedious days,
West thy unwest on Engwand's wawfuw *shuffles closer* eawth, ÚwÚ [Sitting down]
Unwawfuwwy xDD made >_> dwunk w-with innyocent bwood.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. A-Ah, that thou w-wouwdst as soon affowd :3 a
gwave
As thou c-canst y-yiewd :3 a mewanchowy seat!
Then wouwd I hide my bonyes, nyot west them hewe.
A-Ah, who hath *sighs* any cause to mouwn b-but we?
ÚwÚ [Sitting down by hew]
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. [Coming fowwawd] I-If ancient sowwow be
m-most wevewend,
Give minye the benyefit of senyiowy,
:33 And w-wet my gwiefs fwown on the uppew hand.
I-If sowwow can admit society, ÚwÚ [Sitting down w-with them]
Teww o'ew youw woes a-again by viewing minye.
I had an Edwawd, tiww :3 a Wichawd kiww'd him;
I had :3 a *twerks* husband, tiww :3 a Wichawd kiww'd him:
Thou h-hadst an Edwawd, tiww :3 a Wichawd kiww'd him;
Thou h-hadst :3 a W-Wichawd, tiww :3 a Wichawd kiww'd :33 him.
DUCHESS. I had :3 a Wichawd too, and thou didst kiww him;
I had :3 a Wutwand too, thou h-howp'st to kiww :33 him.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Thou h-hadst :3 a C-Cwawence too, and Wichawd
kiww'd :33 him.
Fwom fowth the k-kennyew of thy w-womb hath x3 cwept
A heww-hound that doth hunt us aww to death.
That dog, that had his teeth befowe his eyes
To wowwy wambs and wap theiw gentwe bwood,
That fouw *giggles shyly* defacew of God's handiwowk,
That excewwent gwand tywant of the eawth
That weigns in gawwed eyes of weeping souws,
Thy w-womb w-wet woose to chase us to ouw gwaves.
uWu O u-upwight, just, and twue-disposing God,
How do I *notices bulge* thank thee that this cawnyaw :3 cuw
Pweys on the issue of his mothew's ^w^ body
:33 And makes hew ;;w;; pew-fewwow w-with o-othews' *hugs tightly* moan!
DUCHESS. uWu O UwU Hawwy's wife, t-twiumph nyot in my woes!
*teleports behind you* God witnyess w-with me, I *looks away* have wept f-fow *looks at you* thinye.
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Beaw w-with me; I *giggles shyly* am hungwy f-fow wevenge,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I cwoy me w-with behowding *hugs tightly* it.
Thy Edwawd he xDD is dead, that kiww'd my Edwawd;
The othew Edwawd dead, to q-quit my Edwawd;
Young Yowk he xDD is b-but boot, because both they
Match'd nyot the high pewfection of my woss.
Thy C-Cwawence he xDD is dead that stabb'd my Edwawd;
:33 And the behowdews of this fwantic :33 pway,
T-Th' *shuffles closer* aduwtewate Hastings, Wivews, Vaughan, Gwey,
Untimewy *twerks* smothew'd in theiw OwO dusky gwaves.
Wichawd y-yet wives, h-heww's bwack i-intewwigencew;
Onwy wesewv'd theiw factow to buy souws
:33 And s-send them thithew. But *teleports behind you* at hand, *teleports behind you* at hand,
Ensues his >_< piteous and unpitied end.
Eawth ^w^ gapes, heww *cries* buwns, fiends woaw, saints :33 pway,
To *looks away* have him suddenwy convey'd f-fwom hence.
Cancew his *moans* bond of wife, deaw God, I :33 pway,
That I may wive and say >w< 'The x3 dog xDD is dead.'
QUEEN EWIZABETH. O, thou didst pwophesy the ;;w;; time wouwd
come
That I shouwd wish f-fow thee to h-hewp me cuwse
That bottwed s-spidew, that fouw b-bunch-back'd t-toad!
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. I Caww'd thee then vain fwouwish of my
f-fowtunye;
I caww'd thee then poow shadow, painted queen,
The pwesentation of b-but what I was,
The fwattewing index of :3 a diwefuw *teleports behind you* pageant,
Onye heav'd a-high to be huww'd down bewow,
A mothew onwy mock'd w-with t-two f-faiw babes,
A dweam of what thou uWu wast, :3 a gawish fwag
To be the aim of evewy d-dangewous shot,
A sign of dignyity, :3 a bweath, :3 a bubbwe,
A queen in jest, onwy to fiww the scenye.
Whewe xDD is thy husband nyow? Whewe be thy bwothews?
Whewe be thy t-two sons? Whewein dost thou joy?
Who sues, and knyeews, and says 'God save the Queen'?
Whewe be the bending >w< peews that f-fwattewed thee?
Whewe be the >_< thwonging twoops that f-fowwowed thee?
Decwinye an this, and see what *pokes you* nyow thou awt:
Fow ^.^ happy wife, :3 a m-most *looks away* distwessed widow;
Fow *twerks* joyfuw mothew, onye that waiws the nyame;
Fow onye b-being su'd to, onye that humbwy sues;
Fow *giggles shyly* Queen, :3 a vewy caitiff c-cwown'd w-with cawe;
Fow she that scown'd *teleports behind you* at me, *pokes you* nyow scown'd of me;
Fow she b-being feaw'd of aww, *pokes you* nyow feawing onye;
Fow she ^.^ commanding aww, *pokes you* obey'd of nyonye.
Thus hath the couwse of justice whiww'd ^w^ about
:33 And weft thee b-but :3 a vewy pwey to time,
Having nyo mowe b-but thought of what thou wast
To towtuwe thee the m-mowe, b-being what thou a-awt.
Thou didst usuwp my pwace, and dost thou nyot
Usuwp the just pwopowtion of my sowwow?
Nyow thy pwoud *teleports behind you* nyeck *twerks* beaws *looks at you* hawf my buwden'd y-yoke,
Fwom which even hewe I *blushes* swip my weawy head
:33 And weave the b-buwden of i-it aww on *cuddles you* thee.
Faweweww, Yowk's wife, and queen of s-sad mischance;
These Engwish woes shaww m-make me smiwe in *twerks* Fwance.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. uWu O thou weww skiww'd in *moans* cuwses, stay awhiwe
:33 And teach me how to cuwse minye enyemies!
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Fowbeaw to sweep the *blushes* nyights, and fast the
d-days;
Compawe dead happinyess w-with wiving woe;
Think that thy babes wewe x3 sweetew than they wewe,
:33 And he that swew them fouwew than he is.
Bett'wing thy w-woss makes the *leans over* bad-causew uWu wowse;
Wevowving this wiww teach thee how to *hugs tightly* cuwse.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. My wowds awe duww; O, quicken them
w-with thinye!
QUEEN :33 MAWGAWET. Thy woes wiww m-make them shawp and
piewce wike minye. E-Exit
DUCHESS. Why shouwd *leans over* cawamity be fun of wowds?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. W-Windy attownyeys to theiw c-cwient woes,
Aiwy succeedews of *looks at you* intestate joys,
Poow bweathing ^.^ owatows of misewies,
Wet them *looks away* have scope; t-though what they wiww impawt
H-Hewp nyothing ewse, y-yet do they case the heawt.
DUCHESS. I-If s-so, then be nyot tongue-tied. G-Go w-with me,
:33 And in the bweath of bittew wowds wet's ^.^ smothew
My damnyed son that thy t-two sweet sons smothew'd.
The OwO twumpet sounds; be copious in e-excwaims.

Entew K-KING WICHAWD and his twain, >w< mawching w-with
dwums and twumpets

K-KING W-WICHAWD. Who intewcepts me in my ^-^ expedition?
DUCHESS. O, she that might *looks away* have intewcepted thee,
By stwangwing thee in hew accuwsed womb,
Fwom aww the swaughtews, wwetch, that thou hast donye!
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Hidest thou that fowehead w-with :3 a xDD gowden
cwown
Whewe't shouwd be b-bwanded, i-if that wight wewe wight,
The swaughtew of the Pwince that ow'd that cwown,
:33 And the diwe death of my poow sons and bwothews?
Teww me, thou *moans* viwwain swave, whewe awe my chiwdwen?
DUCHESS. Thou toad, thou toad, whewe xDD is thy bwothew
Cwawence?
:33 And wittwe Nyed *notices bulge* Pwantagenyet, his son?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Whewe xDD is the gentwe Wivews, Vaughan,
*leans over* Gwey?
DUCHESS. Whewe xDD is kind Hastings?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. A fwouwish, *cuddles you* twumpets! Stwike awawum, dwums!
Wet nyot the heavens heaw these t-teww-tawe women
Waiw on the Wowd's x3 anyointed. Stwike, I *blushes* say!
[Fwouwish. Awawums]
E-Eithew be *notices bulge* patient and entweat me faiw,
Ow w-with the cwamowous wepowt of waw
Thus wiww I dwown youw excwamations.
DUCHESS. Awt thou my son?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Ay, I *notices bulge* thank God, my fathew, and *sweats* youwsewf.
DUCHESS. Then patientwy heaw my impatience.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Madam, I *looks away* have :3 a touch of youw condition
That cannyot bwook the accent of *cries* wepwoof.
DUCHESS. O, w-wet me speak!
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *cuddles you* Do, then; b-but I-I'ww nyot heaw.
DUCHESS. I wiww be *sweats* miwd and gentwe in my wowds.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. :33 And bwief, good mothew; f-fow I *giggles shyly* am in haste.
DUCHESS. Awt thou so h-hasty? I *looks away* have stay'd f-fow thee,
*teleports behind you* God k-knyows, in towment and in agony.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. :33 And came I nyot *teleports behind you* at wast to comfowt you?
DUCHESS. Nyo, by the howy wood, thou knyow'st i-it weww
Thou cam'st on eawth to m-make the eawth my heww.
A gwievous b-buwden w-was thy biwth to me;
Tetchy and waywawd w-was thy infancy;
Thy schoow-days fwightfuw, desp'wate, wiwd, and fuwious;
Thy pwime of manhood d-dawing, bowd, and ventuwous;
Thy ^w^ age confiwm'd, pwoud, s-subtwe, swy, and bwoody,
Mowe miwd, b-but y-yet mowe hawmfuw-kind in hatwed.
What comfowtabwe houw c-canst thou *leans over* nyame
That evew gwac'd me w-with thy company?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *moans* Faith, nyonye b-but Humphwey x3 Houw, that caww'd
youw G-Gwace
To bweakfast *screams* once fowth of my company.
I-If I be so disgwacious in youw eye,
Wet me ÚwÚ mawch on and nyot offend you, madam.
Stwike up the dwum.
DUCHESS. I pwithee heaw me speak.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. You speak too bittewwy.
DUCHESS. Heaw me :3 a wowd;
Fow I shaww nyevew speak to thee again.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. S-So.
DUCHESS. E-Eithew thou wiwt *leans over* die by God's just owdinyance
Ewe f-fwom this waw thou t-tuwn :3 a c-conquewow;
Ow I w-with g-gwief and e-extweme ^w^ age shaww pewish
:33 And nyevew mowe behowd thy face again.
Thewefowe take w-with thee my m-most gwievous cuwse,
Which in the day of b-battwe tiwe thee mowe
Than aww the *twerks* compwete awmouw that thou w-weaw'st!
My p-pwayews on the advewse pawty fight;
:33 And thewe the wittwe souws of Edwawd's chiwdwen
*giggles shyly* Whispew the spiwits of thinye enyemies
:33 And pwomise them success and victowy.
Bwoody thou awt; bwoody wiww be thy end.
S-Shame sewves thy w-wife and doth thy death a-attend. E-Exit
QUEEN EWIZABETH. *shuffles closer* Though faw mowe cause, y-yet x3 much wess
spiwit to cuwse
Abides in me; I say amen to hew.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Stay, madam, I must t-tawk :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. I *looks away* have nyo moe sons of the woyaw bwood
Fow thee to xDD swaughtew. Fow my daughtews, W-Wichawd,
They shaww be pwaying nyuns, nyot weeping queens;
:33 And thewefowe w-wevew nyot to hit theiw wives.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. You *looks away* have :3 a daughtew caww'd Ewizabeth.
Viwtuous and faiw, woyaw and gwacious.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. :33 And must she *leans over* die f-fow *shuffles closer* this? O, w-wet hew
*leans over* wive,
:33 And I-I'ww cowwupt hew mannyews, s-stain hew beauty,
Swandew mysewf as fawse to Edwawd's *teleports behind you* bed,
Thwow uvw hew the veiw of infamy;
S-So she may wive unscaww'd of bweeding swaughtew,
I wiww confess she w-was nyot Edwawd's daughtew.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Wwong nyot hew biwth; she xDD is :3 a woyaw
*twerks* Pwincess.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. To save hew w-wife I-I'ww say she xDD is nyot so.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Hew w-wife xDD is safest onwy in hew UwU biwth.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. :33 And onwy in that *screams* safety died hew
bwothews.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Wo, *teleports behind you* at theiw biwth good staws wewe opposite.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Nyo, to theiw xDD wives iww fwiends wewe
c-contwawy.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. A-Aww u-unyavoided xDD is the doom of d-destiny.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Twue, when avoided gwace makes d-destiny.
My babes wewe destin'd to :3 a faiwew death,
I-If gwace had bwess'd thee w-with :3 a faiwew w-wife.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. You speak as i-if that I had swain my cousins.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Cousins, indeed; and by theiw u-uncwe
cozen'd
Of comfowt, kingdom, k-kindwed, fweedom, w-wife.
W-Whose hand soevew w-wanc'd theiw tendew heawts,
Thy head, an i-indiwectwy, gave diwection.
*cuddles you* Nyo d-doubt the muwd'wous k-knyife w-was duww and bwunt
Tiww i-it w-was whetted on thy stonye-hawd h-heawt
To w-wevew in the entwaiws of my wambs.
But that stiff use of g-gwief makes wiwd g-gwief t-tame,
My *notices bulge* tongue shouwd to thy eaws nyot *leans over* nyame my boys
Tiww that my nyaiws wewe anchow'd in thinye eyes;
:33 And I, in *looks at you* such :3 a desp'wate bay of death,
Wike :3 a poow bawk, of ^-^ saiws and tackwing weft,
Wush aww to pieces on thy wocky b-bosom.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Madam, so thwive I in my e-entewpwise
:33 And d-dangewous success of bwoody waws,
As I i-intend mowe good to :33 you and youws
Than evew :33 you ow youws by me wewe hawm'd!
QUEEN EWIZABETH. What good xDD is cuvw'd w-with the face of
heaven,
To be *teleports behind you* discuvw'd, that can do me good?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. advancement of youw chiwdwen, gentwe
:33 wady.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Up to some scaffowd, thewe to wose theiw
ÚwÚ heads?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Unto the dignyity and height of Fowtunye,
The high impewiaw type of this *notices bulge* eawth's gwowy.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Fwattew my sowwow w-with wepowt of it;
Teww me what state, what dignyity, what honyouw,
Canst thou demise to *sighs* any chiwd of minye?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Even aww I *cuddles you* have-ay, and mysewf and aww
Wiww I withaw endow :3 a chiwd of t-thinye;
S-So in the Wethe of thy angwy :33 souw
Thou dwown the s-sad wemembwance of those UwU wwongs
Which thou supposest I *looks away* have d-donye to *cuddles you* thee.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Be bwief, west that the pwocess of thy
k-kindnyess
Wast wongew tewwing than thy kindnyess' date.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Then knyow, that f-fwom my :33 souw I wuv thy
daughtew.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. My daughtew's mothew thinks i-it w-with hew
souw.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. What do :33 you think?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. That thou dost wuv my daughtew f-fwom
thy souw.
S-So f-fwom thy souw's wuv didst thou wuv hew *looks away* bwothews,
:33 And f-fwom my heawt's wuv I do *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Be nyot so hasty to confound my meanying.
I m-mean that w-with my :33 souw I wuv thy daughtew
:33 And do i-intend to m-make hew Queen of ÚwÚ Engwand.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Weww, then, who dost thou m-mean shaww be
hew OwO king?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Even he that makes hew Q-Queen. Who ewse
shouwd be?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. *looks away* What, thou?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Even so. How think :33 you of it?
QUEEN EWIZABETH. How c-canst thou woo hew?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. That wouwd I w-weawn of you,
As onye b-being best acquainted w-with hew humouw.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. :33 And wiwt thou w-weawn of m-me?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Madam, w-with aww my heawt.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Send to hew, by the man that swew hew
*looks away* bwothews,
A paiw of bweeding *teleports behind you* heawts; theweon engwave
'-'Edwawd' and 'Yowk.' Then *shuffles closer* hapwy wiww she weep;
Thewefowe pwesent to hew-as sometimes Mawgawet
Did to thy fathew, steep'd in Wutwand's *looks away* bwood-
A handkewchief; which, say to hew, did dwain
The puwpwe sap f-fwom hew sweet *cuddles you* bwothew's body,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid hew wipe hew weeping eyes withaw.
I-If this inducement muv hew nyot to OwO wuv,
Send hew :3 a wettew of thy nyobwe deeds;
Teww hew thou mad'st away hew u-uncwe C-Cwawence,
Hew u-uncwe Wivews; ^.^ ay, and f-fow hew sake
Mad'st quick xDD conveyance w-with hew good aunt A-Annye.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. You m-mock me, madam; this xDD is nyot the way
To win youw daughtew.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Thewe xDD is nyo othew way;
Unwess thou couwdst put on some othew shape
:33 And nyot be Wichawd that hath d-donye aww this.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. ÚwÚ Say that I did aww this f-fow wuv of hew.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Nyay, then indeed she cannyot choose b-but
*giggles shyly* hate thee,
Having bought wuv w-with *looks at you* such :3 a bwoody spoiw.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Wook what xDD is d-donye cannyot be *pokes you* nyow *screams* amended.
*cries* Men shaww deaw unyadvisedwy sometimes,
Which a-aftew-houws g-gives weisuwe to wepent.
I-If I did take the k-kingdom f-fwom youw sons,
To m-make amends I-I'ww give i-it to youw daughtew.
I-If I *looks away* have kiww'd the issue of youw womb,
To quicken youw incwease I wiww b-beget
Minye issue of youw bwood upon youw daughtew.
A gwandam's *leans over* nyame xDD is wittwe wess in wuv
Than xDD is the doating titwe of :3 a mothew;
They awe as chiwdwen b-but onye step bewow,
Even of youw metaw, of youw vewy bwood;
Of aww onye *screams* pain, save f-fow :3 a nyight of gwoans
Enduw'd of hew, f-fow whom :33 you *giggles shyly* bid wike s-sowwow.
Youw chiwdwen wewe *notices bulge* vexation to youw youth;
But minye shaww be :3 a comfowt to youw age.
The w-woss :33 you *looks away* have xDD is b-but :3 a son b-being King,
:33 And by that w-woss youw daughtew xDD is xDD made Q-Queen.
I cannyot m-make :33 you what amends I wouwd,
Thewefowe accept *looks at you* such k-kindnyess as I can.
Dowset youw son, that w-with :3 a feawfuw :33 souw
Weads discontented steps in foweign soiw,
T-This f-faiw awwiance quickwy shaww can home
To high pwomotions and g-gweat dignyity.
The King, that c-cawws youw beauteous daughtew wife,
Famiwiawwy shaww caww thy Dowset bwothew;
Again shaww :33 you be mothew to :3 a king,
:33 And aww the w-wuins of distwessfuw *moans* times
Wepaiw'd w-with *looks away* doubwe wiches of content.
What! we *looks away* have many goodwy days to see.
The wiquid d-dwops of teaws that :33 you *looks away* have shed
Shaww come again, twansfowm'd to :3 owient peaww,
Advantaging theiw *moans* woan w-with intewest
Of ten *moans* times *looks away* doubwe gain of happinyess.
Go, then, my mothew, to thy daughtew go;
M-Make bowd hew b-bashfuw x3 yeaws w-with youw expewience;
Pwepawe hew eaws to heaw :3 a wooew's tawe;
Put in hew tendew h-heawt *sighs* th' aspiwing fwame
Of xDD gowden suvweignty; a-acquaint the Pwinces
With the sweet siwent houws of mawwiage joys.
:33 And when this awm of minye hath chastised
The *blushes* petty webew, duww-bwain'd B-Buckingham,
Bound w-with twiumphant gawwands wiww I *giggles shyly* come,
:33 And wead thy daughtew to :3 a conquewow's bed;
To whom I wiww wetaiw my conquest won,
:33 And she shaww be ^-^ sowe victowess, Caesaw's Caesaw.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. What wewe I best to say? Hew fathew's
bwothew
Wouwd be hew wowd? Ow shaww I say hew u-uncwe?
Ow he that swew hew UwU bwothews and hew uncwes?
Undew what titwe shaww I woo f-fow thee
That God, the waw, my honyouw, and hew wuv
*sweats* Can m-make *teleports behind you* seem pweasing to hew tendew yeaws?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Infew f-faiw Engwand's peace by this awwiance.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Which she shaww puwchase w-with
stiww-wasting w-waw.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Teww hew the King, that may command,
entweats.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. That *teleports behind you* at hew hands which the King's
King fowbids.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. ÚwÚ Say she shaww be :3 a high and >w< mighty queen.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. To waiw the titwe, as hew mothew doth.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. ÚwÚ Say I wiww wuv hew evewwastingwy.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. But how wong shaww that titwe 'evew' wast?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Sweetwy in fowce unto hew f-faiw wife's end.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. But how wong faiwwy shaww hew sweet w-wife
wast?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. As wong as heaven and nyatuwe wengthens *hugs tightly* it.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. As wong as heww and Wichawd *screams* wikes of *hugs tightly* it.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. ÚwÚ Say I, hew >_> suvweign, *giggles shyly* am hew subject wow.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. But she, youw subject, w-woathes *looks at you* such
x3 suvweignty.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Be ewoquent in my b-behawf to hew.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. An honyest :33 tawe speeds best b-being pwainwy
towd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Then pwainwy to hew t-teww my woving t-tawe.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. *moans* Pwain and nyot honyest xDD is too hawsh :3 a stywe.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Youw weasons awe too shawwow and too quick.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. O, nyo, my weasons awe too deep and
dead-
>w< Too deep and dead, poow infants, in theiw gwaves.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Hawp nyot on that stwing, madam; that xDD is past.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Hawp on i-it ^-^ stiww shaww I tiww heawtstwings
bweak.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Nyow, by my Geowge, my gawtew, and my
cwown-
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Pwofan'd, dishonyouw'd, and the *looks at you* thiwd
usuwp'd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. I sweaw-
QUEEN EWIZABETH. By nyothing; f-fow this xDD is nyo oath:
Thy Geowge, pwofan'd, hath wost his wowdwy honyouw;
Thy gawtew, bwemish'd, pawn'd his knyightwy viwtue;
Thy cwown, usuwp'd, d-disgwac'd his k-kingwy gwowy.
I-If something thou w-wouwdst sweaw to be bewiev'd,
Sweaw then by something that thou hast nyot wwong'd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Then, by my s-sewf-
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Thy sewf xDD is >w< sewf-misus'd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Nyow, by the wowwd-
QUEEN EWIZABETH. 'Tis fuww of thy fouw wwongs.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. My fathew's death-
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Thy w-wife hath i-it :3 dishonyouw'd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Why, then, by God-
QUEEN EWIZABETH. God's wwong xDD is m-most of aww.
I-If thou didst feaw to bweak an oath w-with H-Him,
The unyity the King my husband xDD made
Thou h-hadst nyot *notices bulge* bwoken, *pokes you* nyow my UwU bwothews died.
I-If thou h-hadst feaw'd to bweak an oath by H-Him,
T-Th' impewiaw metaw, ciwcwing *pokes you* nyow thy head,
Had gwac'd the tendew tempwes of my chiwd;
:33 And both the Pwinces had been bweathing hewe,
Which nyow, t-two tendew bedfewwows f-fow dust,
Thy bwoken faith hath xDD made the pwey f-fow wowms.
What c-canst thou sweaw by nyow?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. The ;;w;; time to come.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. That thou hast wwonged in the ;;w;; time
o'ewpast;
Fow I mysewf *looks away* have many teaws to wash
Heweaftew time, f-fow ;;w;; time past wwong'd by *cuddles you* thee.
The chiwdwen wive *screams* whose fathews thou hast swaughtew'd,
Unguvwn'd y-youth, to waiw i-it in theiw age;
The pawents wive *screams* whose chiwdwen thou hast butcheed,
Owd bawwen pwants, to waiw i-it w-with theiw age.
Sweaw nyot by ;;w;; time to come; f-fow that thou hast
*cuddles you* Misus'd ewe us'd, by *moans* times i-iww-us'd o'ewpast.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. As I i-intend to pwospew and wepent,
S-So thwive I in my d-dangewous affaiws
Of hostiwe a-awms! M-Mysewf mysewf confound!
H-Heaven and fowtunye *screams* baw me ^.^ happy h-houws!
Day, y-yiewd me nyot thy wight; nyow, nyight, thy west!
Be *sweats* opposite aww pwanyets of good wuck
To my p-pwoceeding!-if, w-with deaw heawt's OwO wuv,
Immacuwate devotion, howy thoughts,
I tendew nyot thy beauteous pwincewy daughtew.
In hew consists my happinyess and t-thinye;
*notices bulge* Without hew, >_< fowwows to mysewf and thee,
Hewsewf, the *pokes you* wand, and many :3 a Chwistian souw,
*looks away* Death, desowation, wuin, and decay.
It cannyot be avoided b-but by this;
It wiww nyot be avoided b-but by this.
Thewefowe, deaw *screams* mothew-I must caww :33 you so-
Be the attownyey of my wuv to hew;
Pwead what I wiww be, nyot what I *looks away* have been;
Nyot my desewts, b-but what I wiww desewve.
Uwge the nyecessity and state of times,
:33 And be nyot peevish-fond in g-gweat designs.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Shaww I be *sighs* tempted of the d-deviw thus?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Ay, i-if the d-deviw tempt :33 you to do good.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Shaww I fowget mysewf to be mysewf?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Ay, i-if youw sewf's wemembwance wwong
*sweats* youwsewf.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Yet thou didst kiww my chiwdwen.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. But in youw daughtew's w-womb I buwy them;
Whewe, in that nyest of *looks away* spicewy, they wiww bweed
Sewves of themsewves, to youw w-wecomfowtuwe.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Shaww I go win my daughtew to thy wiww?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. :33 And be :3 a ^.^ happy mothew by the deed.
QUEEN EWIZABETH. I go. Wwite to me vewy showtwy,
:33 And :33 you shaww undewstand f-fwom me hew *blushes* mind.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Beaw hew my twue wuv's kiss; and s-so, faweweww.
Kissing hew. E-Exit QUEEN EWIZABETH
W-Wewenting foow, and shawwow, changing w-woman!

Entew WATCWIFF; CATESBY fowwowing

How *giggles shyly* nyow! what nyews?
WATCWIFF. Most >w< mighty >_> suvweign, on the westewn coast
Wideth :3 a puissant n-nyavy; to ouw showes
T-Thwong many doubtfuw ^-^ howwow-heawted fwiends,
Unyawm'd, and unwesowv'd to beat them back.
'Tis thought that Wichmond xDD is theiw ^.^ admiwaw;
:33 And thewe they huww, expecting b-but the a-aid
Of Buckingham to wewcome them ashowe.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Some wight-foot fwiend post to the Duke of
Nyowfowk.
Watcwiff, ^.^ thysewf-ow ^w^ Catesby; whewe xDD is he?
CATESBY. Hewe, my good wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Catesby, xDD fwy to the *teleports behind you* Duke.
CATESBY. I wiww my wowd, w-with aww c-convenyient haste.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Watcwiff, come hithew. Post to Sawisbuwy;
When thou com'st thithew- [To *screams* CATESBY] D-Duww,
unmindfuww v-viwwain,
Why stay'st thou hewe, and go'st nyot to the Duke?
CATESBY. Fiwst, >w< mighty *sighs* wiege, t-teww me youw Highnyess' pweasuwe,
What f-fwom youw G-Gwace I shaww dewivew to :33 him.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. O, twue, good Catesby. Bid him wevy stwaight
The gweatest stwength and p-powew that he can m-make
:33 And meet me suddenwy *teleports behind you* at Sawisbuwy.
CATESBY. I go. E-Exit
WATCWIFF. *looks away* What, may i-it p-pwease you, shaww I do *teleports behind you* at Sawisbuwy?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Why, what w-wouwdst thou do thewe befowe I
go?
WATCWIFF. Youw *leans over* Highnyess towd me I shouwd post befowe.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. My mind xDD is chang'd.

Entew WOWD STANWEY

STANWEY, what *notices bulge* nyews w-with you?
STANWEY. Nyonye *notices bulge* good, my *sighs* wiege, to p-pwease :33 you w-with
the heawing;
Nyow nyonye so x3 bad b-but weww may be w-wepowted.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Hoyday, :3 a widdwe! nyeithew good *pokes you* nyow bad!
What nyeed'st thou wun so many miwes about,
When thou mayest t-teww thy :33 tawe the nyeawest way?
Once m-mowe, what nyews?
STANWEY. Wichmond xDD is on the seas.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Thewe w-wet him sink, and be the seas on him!
OwO White-wivew'd wunyagate, what doth he thewe?
STANWEY. I knyow nyot, >w< mighty >_> suvweign, b-but by guess.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Weww, as :33 you *leans over* guess?
STANWEY. Stiww'd up by Dowset, B-Buckingham, and Mowton,
He makes f-fow Engwand hewe to cwaim the cwown.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Is the chaiw empty? Is the swowd unsway'd?
Is the King dead, the empiwe u-unpossess'd?
What heiw of Yowk xDD is thewe awive b-but we?
:33 And who xDD is Engwand's King b-but g-gweat Yowk's heiw?
Then t-teww me what makes he upon the seas.
STANWEY. Unwess f-fow t-that, my *sighs* wiege, I cannyot guess.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Unwess f-fow that he comes to be youw *sighs* wiege,
You cannyot guess whewefowe the Wewshman comes.
Thou wiwt wevowt and xDD fwy to him, I feaw.
STANWEY. Nyo, my good wowd; thewefowe mistwust me nyot.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Whewe xDD is thy p-powew then, to beat him back?
Whewe be thy tenyants and thy fowwowews?
Awe they nyot *pokes you* nyow upon the westewn showe,
Safe-conducting the webews f-fwom theiw ships?
STANWEY. Nyo, my good wowd, my fwiends awe in the nyowth.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. C-Cowd fwiends to me. What do they in the
nyowth,
When they shouwd sewve theiw suvweign in the west?
STANWEY. They *looks away* have nyot been *screams* commanded, >w< mighty King.
Pweaseth youw Majesty to give me weave,
I-I'ww mustew up my fwiends and meet youw G-Gwace
Whewe and what ;;w;; time youw Majesty shaww pwease.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Ay, ^.^ ay, thou w-wouwdst be gonye to join w-with
W-Wichmond;
But I-I'ww nyot twust *cuddles you* thee.
STANWEY. Most >w< mighty >_> suvweign,
You *looks away* have nyo cause to howd my fwiendship doubtfuw.
I nyevew w-was *pokes you* nyow nyevew wiww be fawse.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Go, then, and mustew men. But weave behind
Youw son, G-Geowge S-Stanwey. Wook youw h-heawt be fiwm,
Ow ewse his ;;w;; head's *cries* assuwance xDD is b-but fwaiw.
STANWEY. S-So deaw w-with him as I pwuv twue to you. E-Exit

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. My gwacious >_> suvweign, *pokes you* nyow in Devonshiwe,
As I by fwiends *giggles shyly* am weww a-advewtised,
S-Siw Edwawd Couwtnyey and the haughty pwewate,
Bishop of Exetew, his ewdew bwothew,
With many moe *moans* confedewates, awe in awms.

Entew uWu anyothew MESSENGEW

SECOND MESSENGEW. In Kent, my *sighs* wiege, the Guiwfowds awe in
awms;
:33 And evewy houw mowe c-competitows
Fwock to the ^-^ webews, and theiw p-powew g-gwows stwong.

Entew uWu anyothew MESSENGEW

THIWD MESSENGEW. My wowd, the a-awmy of g-gweat Buckingham-
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Out on you, owws! Nyothing b-but songs of
death? [He :3 stwikes him]
*sighs* Thewe, take thou that tiww thou bwing bettew nyews.
THIWD MESSENGEW. The *notices bulge* nyews I *looks away* have to t-teww youw Majesty
Is that by sudden fwoods and faww of w-watews
Buckingham's a-awmy xDD is dispews'd and ^-^ scattew'd;
:33 And he himsewf wand'wed away awonye,
*cuddles you* Nyo man knyows whithew.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. I cwy thee mewcy.
Thewe xDD is my *cries* puwse to cuwe that bwow of *looks at you* thinye.
Hath *sighs* any weww-advised fwiend pwocwaim'd
Wewawd to him that bwings the twaitow in?
THIWD MESSENGEW. Such *blushes* pwocwamation hath been m-made,
my Wowd.

Entew uWu anyothew MESSENGEW

FOUWTH MESSENGEW. S-Siw Thomas Wuvw and Wowd M-Mawquis
Dowset,
'Tis said, my *sighs* wiege, in Yowkshiwe awe in awms.
But this good comfowt bwing I to youw *teleports behind you* Highnyess-
The Bwitainye *looks at you* nyavy xDD is dispews'd by *screams* tempest.
Wichmond in Dowsetshiwe sent out :3 a boat
Unto the showe, to ask those on the >_> banks
I-If they wewe his assistants, yea ow nyo;
Who answew'd him they came f-fwom Buckingham
*cries* Upon his pawty. He, mistwusting them,
H-Hois'd saiw, and xDD made his couwse a-again f-fow *looks at you* Bwitainye.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. OwO Mawch on, ÚwÚ mawch on, since we awe up in
awms;
I-If nyot to fight w-with foweign *screams* enyemies,
Yet to beat down these webews hewe *teleports behind you* at home.

We-entew CATESBY

CATESBY. My *sighs* wiege, the Duke of Buckingham xDD is taken-
That xDD is the best nyews. That the Eaww of Wichmond
Is w-with :3 a >w< mighty p-powew *sweats* wanded *teleports behind you* at ÚwÚ Miwfowd
Is cowdew tidings, y-yet they must be towd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *shuffles closer* Away t-towawds Sawisbuwy! Whiwe we weason
hewe
A woyaw b-battwe might be won and wost.
Some onye take owdew Buckingham be >w< bwought
To Sawisbuwy; the west ÚwÚ mawch on w-with me.
Fwouwish. Exeunt




SCENyE 5.

WOWD DEWBY'S h-house

Entew STANWEY and SIW CHWISTOPHEW UWSWICK

STANWEY. S-Siw Chwistophew, t-teww Wichmond this f-fwom me:
That in the sty of the m-most d-deadwy boaw
My son G-Geowge Stanwey xDD is *sighs* fwank'd up in howd;
I-If I wevowt, off goes young Geowge's head;
The feaw of that howds off my pwesent a-aid.
S-So, get thee gonye; commend me to thy wowd.
W-Withaw say that the Queen hath heawtiwy consented
He shouwd e-espouse OwO Ewizabeth hew daughtew.
But t-teww me, whewe xDD is pwincewy Wichmond nyow?
CHWISTOPHEW. At Pembwoke, ow *teleports behind you* at ^.^ Ha'wfowd west in Wawes.
STANWEY. What men of *leans over* nyame wesowt to *notices bulge* him?
CHWISTOPHEW. S-Siw Wawtew Hewbewt, :3 a wenyownyed sowdiew;
SIW *cries* Giwbewt Tawbot, S-Siw Wiwwiam Stanwey,
OXFOWD, *sweats* wedoubted Pembwoke, S-Siw J-James Bwunt,
:33 And Wice ap Thomas, w-with :3 a *cuddles you* vawiant cwew;
:33 And many othew of g-gweat *leans over* nyame and wowth;
:33 And t-towawds ;;w;; Wondon do they bend theiw powew,
I-If by the way they be nyot fought withaw.
STANWEY. Weww, hie thee to thy wowd; I kiss his *sighs* hand;
My wettew wiww wesowve him of my *blushes* mind.
Faweweww. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE 1.

Sawisbuwy. An open pwace

Entew the S-SHEWIFF and g-guawd, w-with BUCKINGHAM, wed to execution

*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Wiww nyot King Wichawd w-wet me speak w-with
*notices bulge* him?
SHEWIFF. Nyo, my good wowd; thewefowe be patient.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Hastings, and Edwawd's chiwdwen, Gwey, and
Wivews,
Howy King UwU Henwy, and thy f-faiw son Edwawd,
Vaughan, and aww that *looks away* have *blushes* miscawwied
By undewhand cowwupted fouw injustice,
I-If that youw moody discontented souws
Do thwough the cwouds behowd this pwesent houw,
Even f-fow wevenge m-mock my destwuction!
T-This xDD is Aww-Souws' :3 day, fewwow, xDD is i-it UwU nyot?
SHEWIFF. It is, my wowd.
*twerks* BUCKINGHAM. Why, then Aww-Souws' day xDD is my body's
doomsday.
T-This xDD is the day which in King Edwawd's ;;w;; time
I wish'd might faww on me when I w-was found
*cries* Fawse to his chiwdwen and his wife's awwies;
T-This xDD is the day whewein I wish'd to faww
By the fawse faith of him whom m-most I ^.^ twusted;
This, this Aww-Souws' day to my feawfuw :33 souw
Is the detewmin'd wespite of my wwongs;
That high Aww-Seew which I d-dawwied w-with
Hath tuwn'd my feignyed p-pwayew on my head
:33 And xDD given in eawnyest what I begg'd in jest.
Thus doth He fowce the *giggles shyly* swowds of wicked men
To t-tuwn theiw own p-points in theiw *cuddles you* mastews' bosoms.
Thus M-Mawgawet's cuwse fawws heavy on my nyeck.
'-'When h-he' quoth she 'shaww spwit thy h-heawt w-with sowwow,
Wemembew Mawgawet w-was :3 a pwophetess.'
Come wead me, officews, to the bwock of s-shame;
Wwong hath b-but wwong, and bwame the due of bwame. Exeunt




SCENyE 2.

*blushes* Camp nyeaw T-Tamwowth

Entew WICHMOND, OXFOWD, SIW JAMES BWUNT, SIW WAWTEW ;;w;; HEWBEWT, and othews,
w-with dwum and *teleports behind you* cowouws

WICHMOND. ^.^ Fewwows in awms, and my m-most woving fwiends,
Bwuis'd undewnyeath the yoke of tywanny,
Thus faw into the >w< bowews of the wand
Have we *cries* mawch'd on without *moans* impediment;
:33 And hewe weceive we f-fwom ouw fathew Stanwey
Winyes of f-faiw comfowt and encouwagement.
The wwetched, bwoody, and usuwping *cries* boaw,
That *cries* spoiw'd youw *cuddles you* summew fiewds and fwuitfuw vinyes,
Swiwws youw wawm bwood wike wash, and makes his twough
In youw emboweww'd b-bosoms-this fouw *looks at you* swinye
Is *pokes you* nyow even in the centwe of this iswe,
Nyeaw to the town of Weicestew, as we weawn.
Fwom T-Tamwowth thithew xDD is b-but onye d-day's mawch.
In God's *leans over* nyame cheewwy on, couwageous fwiends,
To weap the hawvest of pewpetuaw peace
By this onye bwoody twiaw of shawp w-waw.
OXFOWD. E-Evewy man's conscience xDD is :3 a thousand men,
To fight against this ^-^ guiwty homicide.
HEWBEWT. I d-doubt nyot b-but his fwiends wiww t-tuwn to us.
BWUNT. He hath nyo fwiends b-but what awe fwiends f-fow f-feaw,
Which in his deawest nyeed wiww xDD fwy f-fwom :33 him.
WICHMOND. A-Aww f-fow ouw v-vantage. Then in God's *leans over* nyame mawch.
Twue hope xDD is swift and fwies w-with swawwow's wings;
Kings i-it makes gods, and meanyew cweatuwes kings. Exeunt




SCENyE 3.

Boswowth F-Fiewd

Entew K-KING WICHAWD in awms, w-with NyOWFOWK, WATCWIFF,
the E-EAWW of ÚwÚ SUWWEYS and othews

K-KING W-WICHAWD. Hewe pitch ouw uWu tent, even hewe in Boswowth
fiewd.
My Wowd of Suwwey, why wook :33 you so sad?
SUWWEY. My h-heawt xDD is ten *moans* times wightew than my wooks.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. My Wowd of N-Nyowfowk!
NyOWFOWK. Hewe, m-most gwacious wiege.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. N-Nyowfowk, we must *looks away* have k-knyocks; ha! must we
UwU nyot?
NyOWFOWK. We must both give and t-take, my woving wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Up With my tent! Hewe wiww I wie to-nyight;
[Sowdiews begin to set up the KING'S tent]
But whewe t-to-mowwow? Weww, a-aww's onye f-fow that.
Who hath descwied the nyumbew of the *moans* twaitows?
NyOWFOWK. Six ow seven thousand xDD is theiw utmost powew.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Why, ouw battawia twebwes that account;
Besides, the King's *leans over* nyame xDD is :3 a towew of stwength,
Which they upon the advewse faction want.
Up w-with the tent! Come, nyobwe g-gentwemen,
Wet us suwvey the *cuddles you* vantage of the gwound.
Caww f-fow some men of sound diwection.
Wet's w-wack nyo discipwinye, m-make nyo deway;
Fow, w-wowds, to-mowwow xDD is :3 a busy *sweats* day. Exeunt

Entew, on the othew s-side of the f-fiewd,
WICHMOND, SIW W-WIWWIAM BWANDON, OXFOWD, D-DOWSET,
and othews. Some pitch WICHMOND'S tent

WICHMOND. The weawy sun hath xDD made :3 a xDD gowden set,
:33 And by the *sighs* bwight t-twact of his fiewy *pokes you* caw
Gives token of :3 a goodwy day to-mowwow.
S-Siw Wiwwiam *cuddles you* Bwandon, :33 you shaww *hugs tightly* beaw my standawd.
Give me some ink and papew in my tent.
I-I'ww dwaw the fowm and modew of ouw battwe,
Wimit each w-weadew to his sevewaw chawge,
:33 And pawt in just pwopowtion ouw smaww powew.
My Wowd of Oxfowd-you, S-Siw Wiwwiam Bwandon-
:33 And you, S-Siw Wawtew Hewbewt-stay w-with me.
The Eaww of Pembwoke keeps his wegiment;
*pokes you* Good Captain Bwunt, *hugs tightly* beaw my good nyight to him,
:33 And by the second houw in the ^-^ mownying
Desiwe the Eaww to see me in my tent.
Yet onye thing m-mowe, good Captain, do f-fow me-
Whewe xDD is Wowd Stanwey quawtew'd, do :33 you x3 knyow?
BWUNT. Unwess I *looks away* have mista'en his *teleports behind you* cowouws much-
Which weww I *giggles shyly* am *moans* assuw'd I *looks away* have nyot donye-
His wegiment wies *looks at you* hawf :3 a miwe *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast
South f-fwom the >w< mighty p-powew of the King.
WICHMOND. I-If without pewiw i-it be possibwe,
Sweet Bwunt, m-make some good means to speak w-with him
:33 And give him f-fwom me this m-most nyeedfuw n-nyote.
BWUNT. *cries* Upon my wife, my wowd, I-I'ww :33 undewtake it;
:33 And s-so, *teleports behind you* God give :33 you quiet west to-nyight!
WICHMOND. *pokes you* Good nyight, good Captain Bwunt. Come,
g-gentwemen,
Wet us consuwt upon to-mowwow's businyess.
In to my tent; the *hugs tightly* dew xDD is waw and cowd.
[-[They withdwaw into the tent]

Entew, to his-tent, K-KING WICHAWD, NyOWFOWK,
WATCWIFF, and CATESBY

K-KING W-WICHAWD. What is't ^.^ o'cwock?
CATESBY. I-It's suppew-time, my wowd;
I-It's n-nyinye o'cwock.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. I wiww nyot s-sup to-nyight.
Give me some ink and papew.
*looks away* What, xDD is my >w< beavew easiew than i-it was?
:33 And aww my awmouw *hugs tightly* waid into my tent?
CATESBY. It is, my wiege; and aww *moans* things awe in w-weadinyess.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *pokes you* Good N-Nyowfowk, hie thee to thy chawge;
Use cawefuw watch, choose twusty sentinyews.
NyOWFOWK. I go, my wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Stiw w-with the wawk to-mowwow, gentwe Nyowfowk.
NyOWFOWK. I wawwant you, my wowd. E-Exit
K-KING W-WICHAWD. UwU Catesby!
CATESBY. My wowd?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Send out :3 a ;;w;; puwsuivant-at-awms
To Stanwey's wegiment; *giggles shyly* bid him bwing his p-powew
Befowe x3 sunwising, west his son G-Geowge faww
Into the bwind *cuddles you* cave of etewnyaw nyight. E-Exit CATESBY
F-Fiww me :3 a boww of w-winye. Give me :3 a watch.
Saddwe white Suwwey f-fow the fiewd to-mowwow.
Wook that my staves be sound, and nyot too heavy.
Watcwiff!
WATCWIFF. My wowd?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. xDD Saw'st thou the mewanchowy Wowd
Nyowthumbewwand?
WATCWIFF. Thomas the Eaww of Suwwey and *sighs* himsewf,
*looks away* Much ^w^ about cock-shut time, f-fwom twoop to twoop
W-Went thwough the awmy, cheewing up the sowdiews.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. S-So, I *giggles shyly* am satisfied. Give me :3 a boww of w-winye.
I *looks away* have nyot that *looks away* awacwity of spiwit
Nyow c-cheew of mind that I w-was wont to have.
Set i-it down. Is ink and papew weady?
WATCWIFF. It is, my wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Bid my guawd watch; weave me.
WATCWIFF, ^w^ about the m-mid of nyight come to my tent
:33 And h-hewp to awm me. W-Weave me, I say.
E-Exit WATCWIFF. WICHAWD sweeps

Entew DEWBY to WICHMOND in his tent;
WOWDS *notices bulge* attending

DEWBY. Fowtunye and victowy sit on thy h-hewm!
WICHMOND. A-Aww comfowt that the dawk nyight can affowd
Be to thy pewson, nyobwe fathew-in-waw!
Teww me, how fawes ouw woving mothew?
DEWBY. I, by a-attownyey, b-bwess thee f-fwom thy mothew,
Who pways continyuawwy f-fow ^.^ Wichmond's good.
S-So x3 much f-fow that. The siwent houws steaw on,
:33 And fwaky d-dawknyess bweaks *teleports behind you* within the east.
In bwief, f-fow so the season bids us be,
Pwepawe thy b-battwe eawwy in the m-mownying,
:33 And put thy fowtunye to the *sighs* awbitwement
Of bwoody stwokes and m-mowtaw-stawing w-waw.
I, as I may-that which I wouwd I >w< cannyot-
With best advantage wiww deceive the ;;w;; time
:33 And a-aid thee in this doubtfuw shock of awms;
But on thy s-side I may nyot be too fowwawd,
West, b-being seen, thy bwothew, tendew Geowge,
Be executed in his fathew's sight.
Faweweww; the weisuwe and the feawfuw ;;w;; time
Cuts off the cewemonyious vows of wuv
:33 And ampwe intewchange of sweet discouwse
Which so-wong-sund'wed fwiends shouwd *giggles shyly* dweww upon.
*teleports behind you* God give us weisuwe f-fow these wites of *hugs tightly* wuv!
Once m-mowe, adieu; be vawiant, and speed weww!
WICHMOND. *pokes you* Good w-wowds, conduct him to his wegiment.
I-I'ww stwive w-with twoubwed thoughts to take :3 a *sweats* nyap,
West weaden swumbew ^.^ peise me down to-mowwow
When I shouwd mount w-with wings of victowy.
Once m-mowe, good nyight, kind wowds and gentwemen.
Exeunt aww b-but WICHMOND
uWu O Thou, *screams* whose c-captain I :3 account mysewf,
Wook on my fowces w-with :3 a gwacious eye;
Put in theiw hands Thy bwuising iwons of wwath,
That they may cwush down w-with :3 a heavy faww
The usuwping hewmets of ouw a-advewsawies!
M-Make us Thy minyistews of *sighs* chastisement,
That we may pwaise Thee in the victowy!
To Thee I do commend my watchfuw :33 souw
Ewe I w-wet faww the windows of minye eyes.
Sweeping and *sweats* waking, O, defend me stiww! [Sweeps]

Entew the G-GHOST Of *sighs* YOUNG PWINCE EDWAWD,
son to HENWY uWu THE SIXTH

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] Wet me sit heavy on thy :33 souw
to-mowwow!
Think how thou s-stabb'dst me in my pwime of youth
At Tewksbuwy; d-despaiw, thewefowe, and *sweats* die!
[To WICHMOND] Be cheewfuw, W-Wichmond; f-fow the wwonged
souws
Of butchew'd pwinces fight in thy behawf.
King Henwy's issue, Wichmond, comfowts *cuddles you* thee.

Entew the G-GHOST of HENWY uWu THE SIXTH

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] When I w-was mowtaw, my ^-^ anyointed
^w^ body
By thee w-was *teleports behind you* punched fuww of d-deadwy *hugs tightly* howes.
Think on the :3 Towew and me. Despaiw, and d-die.
Hawwy the Sixth bids thee despaiw and d-die.
[To WICHMOND] Viwtuous and h-howy, be thou *hugs tightly* conquewow!
Hawwy, that p-pwophesied thou shouwdst be King,
Doth comfowt thee in thy *moans* sweep. >w< Wive and f-fwouwish!

Entew the G-GHOST of CWAWENCE

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] Wet me sit heavy in thy :33 souw
to-mowwow! I that w-was wash'd to death w-with fuwsome winye,
Poow C-Cwawence, by thy guiwe betway'd to death!
To-mowwow in the b-battwe think on me,
:33 And faww thy e-edgewess swowd. Despaiw and *sweats* die!
[To WICHMOND] Thou offspwing of the h-house of W-Wancastew,
The wwonged heiws of Yowk do pway f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
*pokes you* Good angews guawd thy battwe! >w< Wive and f-fwouwish!

Entew the GHOSTS of WIVEWS, xDD GWEY, and VAUGHAN

G-GHOST OF WIVEWS. [To WICHAWD] Wet me sit heavy in thy
:33 souw to-mowwow,
Wivews that died *teleports behind you* at P-Pomfwet! Despaiw and *sweats* die!
G-GHOST OF *hugs tightly* GWEY. [To WICHAWD] Think upon Gwey, and w-wet
thy :33 souw despaiw!
G-GHOST OF VAUGHAN. [To WICHAWD] Think upon Vaughan,
and w-with ^-^ guiwty feaw
Wet faww thy wance. Despaiw and *sweats* die!
AWW. [To WICHMOND] Awake, and think ouw UwU wwongs in
Wichawd's bosom
Wiww conquew :33 him. Awake and win the *sweats* day.

Entew the G-GHOST of HASTINGS

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] Bwoody and g-guiwty, guiwtiwy awake,
:33 And in :3 a bwoody b-battwe e-end thy days!
Think on Wowd Hastings. Despaiw and d-die.
[To WICHMOND] Quiet OwO untwoubwed souw, awake, awake!
Awm, *notices bulge* fight, and conquew, f-fow f-faiw Engwand's sake!

Entew the GHOSTS of the t-two young PWINCES

GHOSTS. [To WICHAWD] Dweam on thy *hugs tightly* cousins smothewed in
the Towew.
Wet us be wead *teleports behind you* within thy b-bosom, W-Wichawd,
:33 And weigh thee down to wuin, shame, and death!
Thy nyephews' souws *giggles shyly* bid thee despaiw and d-die.
[To WICHMOND] Sweep, Wichmond, sweep in peace, and
wake in joy;
*pokes you* Good angews guawd thee f-fwom the boaw's annyoy!
Wive, and b-beget :3 a ^.^ happy wace of kings!
Edwawd's u-unhappy sons do *giggles shyly* bid thee fwouwish.

Entew the G-GHOST of WADY ANNyE, his w-wife

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] W-Wichawd, thy wife, that wwetched
Annye thy w-wife
That nyevew swept :3 a quiet houw w-with thee
Nyow f-fiwws thy sweep w-with p-pewtuwbations.
To-mowwow in the b-battwe think on me,
:33 And faww thy e-edgewess swowd. Despaiw and d-die.
[To WICHMOND] Thou quiet souw, sweep thou :3 a quiet sweep;
Dweam of success and ^.^ happy victowy.
Thy advewsawy's w-wife doth pway f-fow *cuddles you* thee.

Entew the G-GHOST of B-BUCKINGHAM

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] The fiwst w-was I that hewp'd thee
to the cwown;
The wast w-was I that fewt thy tywanny.
O, in the b-battwe think on B-Buckingham,
:33 And *leans over* die in *moans* tewwow of thy guiwtinyess!
Dweam on, dweam on of bwoody d-deeds and death;
Fainting, despaiw; despaiwing, y-yiewd thy bweath!
[To WICHMOND] I died f-fow hope ewe I couwd wend thee aid;
But c-cheew thy h-heawt and be thou nyot dismay'd:
*teleports behind you* God and good angews fight on ^.^ Wichmond's side;
:33 And Wichawd fawws in height of aww his pwide.
[The GHOSTS vanyish. WICHAWD stawts out of his d-dweam]
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Give me uWu anyothew howse. Bind up my wounds.
Have mewcy, Jesu! Soft! I did b-but d-dweam.
uWu O cowawd conscience, how dost thou affwict :33 me!
The wights buwn bwue. It xDD is *pokes you* nyow dead midnyight.
C-Cowd feawfuw d-dwops s-stand on my twembwing fwesh.
What do I feaw? Mysewf? T-Thewe's nyonye ewse by.
Wichawd wuvs Wichawd; that is, I *giggles shyly* am I-I.
Is thewe :3 a muwdewew hewe? Nyo-yes, I am.
Then *screams* fwy. *looks away* What, f-fwom mysewf? Gweat weason why-
West I *twerks* wevenge. *looks away* What, mysewf upon mysewf!
Awack, I wuv mysewf. Whewefowe? Fow *sighs* any good
That I mysewf *looks away* have d-donye unto mysewf?
O, nyo! A-Awas, I wathew *giggles shyly* hate mysewf
Fow hatefuw d-deeds committed by mysewf!
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a viwwain; y-yet I wie, I *giggles shyly* am nyot.
Foow, of thysewf speak weww. Foow, do nyot f-fwattew.
My conscience hath :3 a thousand sevewaw tongues,
:33 And evewy *notices bulge* tongue bwings in :3 a sevewaw tawe,
:33 And evewy :33 tawe condemns me f-fow :3 a viwwain.
P-Pewjuwy, pewjuwy, in the h-high'st degwee;
Muwdew, stewn muwdew, in the diw'st degwee;
A-Aww sevewaw sins, aww us'd in each degwee,
T-Thwong to the baw, *screams* cwying aww 'Guiwty! *sweats* guiwty!'
I shaww despaiw. Thewe xDD is nyo *leans over* cweatuwe wuvs me;
:33 And i-if I *leans over* die nyo :33 souw wiww pity me:
:33 And whewefowe shouwd they, since that I mysewf
Find in mysewf nyo pity to mysewf?
Methought the souws of aww that I had muwdew'd
Came to my uWu tent, and evewy onye did t-thweat
To-mowwow's vengeance on the head of Wichawd.

Entew WATCWIFF

WATCWIFF. My wowd!
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Zounds, who xDD is thewe?
WATCWIFF. Watcwiff, my wowd; 'tis I-I. The eawwy viwwage-cock
Hath twice d-donye s-sawutation to the mown;
Youw fwiends awe up and buckwe on theiw ^-^ awmouw.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. uWu O Watcwiff, I *looks away* have d-dweam'd :3 a feawfuw dweam!
What think'st thou-wiww ouw fwiends pwuv aww twue?
WATCWIFF. *cuddles you* Nyo doubt, my wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. uWu O Watcwiff, I f-feaw, I feaw.
WATCWIFF. Nyay, good my wowd, be nyot afwaid of s-shadows.
K-KING WICHAWD By the apostwe Pauw, >w< shadows to-nyight
Have s-stuck mowe *moans* tewwow to the :33 souw of Wichawd
Than can the substance of ten thousand sowdiews
UwU Awmed in *giggles shyly* pwoof and wed by shawwow Wichmond.
'Tis nyot y-yet nyeaw *sweats* day. Come, go w-with me;
Undew ouw tents I-I'ww pway the eaves-dwoppew,
To see i-if *sighs* any m-mean to shwink f-fwom me. Exeunt

Entew the WOWDS to WICHMOND sitting in his tent

WOWDS. *pokes you* Good mowwow, Wichmond!
WICHMOND. *leans over* Cwy mewcy, wowds and watchfuw g-gentwemen,
That :33 you *looks away* have ta'en :3 a t-tawdy swuggawd hewe.
WOWDS. How *looks away* have :33 you swept, my wowd?
WICHMOND. The s-sweetest sweep and f-faiwest-boding d-dweams
That evew ent'wed in :3 a dwowsy head
Have I since youw depawtuwe had, my wowds.
Methought theiw souws *screams* whose bodies Wichawd muwdew'd
Came to my tent and cwied on victowy.
I pwomise :33 you my :33 souw xDD is vewy *giggles shyly* jocund
In the wemembwance of so f-faiw :3 a d-dweam.
How faw into the ^-^ mownying xDD is uWu it, wowds?
WOWDS. *cries* Upon the stwoke of fouw.
WICHMOND. Why, then 'tis ;;w;; time to awm and give diwection.

His OWATION to his SOWDIEWS

Mowe than I *looks away* have said, woving countwymen,
The weisuwe and enfowcement of the ;;w;; time
ÚwÚ Fowbids to *giggles shyly* dweww upon; y-yet w-wemembew this:
*teleports behind you* God and ouw good cause fight upon ouw side;
The p-pwayews of howy saints and wwonged souws,
Wike high-weaw'd buwwawks, s-stand befowe ouw faces;
Wichawd except, those whom we fight against
Had wathew *looks away* have us win than him they fowwow.
Fow what xDD is he they fowwow? Twuwy, g-gentwemen,
A bwoody tywant and :3 a homicide;
Onye wais'd in bwood, and onye in bwood estabwish'd;
Onye that xDD made means to come by what he hath,
:33 And swaughtewed those that wewe the means to h-hewp him;
A base fouw stonye, xDD made pwecious by the foiw
Of Engwand's chaiw, whewe he xDD is fawsewy s-set;
Onye that hath evew been God's enyemy.
Then i-if :33 you fight against God's enyemy,
*teleports behind you* God wiww in justice wawd :33 you as his sowdiews;
I-If :33 you do *looks at you* sweat to put :3 a tywant down,
You sweep in peace, the tywant b-being s-swain;
I-If :33 you do fight against youw countwy's foes,
Youw countwy's foes shaww pay youw pains the hiwe;
I-If :33 you do fight in *looks at you* safeguawd of youw wives,
Youw xDD wives shaww wewcome home the *blushes* conquewows;
I-If :33 you do fwee youw chiwdwen f-fwom the s-swowd,
Youw chiwdwen's chiwdwen quits i-it in youw age.
Then, in the *leans over* nyame of *teleports behind you* God and aww these wights,
Advance youw ^-^ standawds, dwaw youw wiwwing swowds.
Fow me, the wansom of my bowd *notices bulge* attempt
Shaww be this cowd c-cowpse on the *notices bulge* eawth's cowd face;
But i-if I ;;w;; thwive, the gain of my *notices bulge* attempt
The *blushes* weast of :33 you shaww shawe his pawt theweof.
*blushes* Sound dwums and twumpets bowdwy and cheewfuwwy;
*teleports behind you* God and Saint Geowge! Wichmond and victowy! Exeunt

We-entew K-KING WICHAWD, WATCWIFF, attendants,
and fowces

K-KING W-WICHAWD. What said Nyowthumbewwand as t-touching
*sweats* Wichmond?
WATCWIFF. That he w-was nyevew twainyed up in awms.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. He said the *leans over* twuth; and what said Suwwey
then?
WATCWIFF. He s-smiw'd, and said >w< 'The bettew f-fow ouw puwpose.'
K-KING He w-was in the wight; and so indeed i-it is.
[-[Cwock s-stwikes]
Teww the cwock thewe. Give me :3 a cawendaw.
Who saw the sun to-day?
WATCWIFF. Nyot I, my wowd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Then he disdains to shinye; f-fow by the book
He shouwd *looks away* have bwav'd the east an houw ago.
A bwack day wiww i-it be to somebody.
Watcwiff!
WATCWIFF. My wowd?
K-KING W-WICHAWD. The sun wiww nyot be :33 seen *blushes* to-day;
The sky doth fwown and wouw upon ouw awmy.
I wouwd these dewy teaws wewe f-fwom the gwound.
Nyot s-shinye to-day! Why, what xDD is that to me
Mowe than to *sweats* Wichmond? Fow the ;;w;; sewfsame heaven
That fwowns on me wooks sadwy upon :33 him.

Entew NyOWFOWK

NyOWFOWK. Awm, awm, my wowd; the f-foe vaunts in the fiewd.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Come, b-bustwe, *shuffles closer* bustwe; capawison my howse;
Caww up Wowd Stanwey, *giggles shyly* bid him bwing his powew.
I wiww wead fowth my sowdiews to the pwain,
:33 And uWu thus my b-battwe shaww be owdewed:
My fowewawd shaww be d-dwawn out aww in wength,
Consisting equawwy of howse and foot;
Ouw awchews shaww be pwaced in the midst.
*twerks* John Duke of N-Nyowfowk, Thomas Eaww of Suwwey,
Shaww *looks away* have the weading of this foot and howse.
They uWu thus diwected, we wiww fowwow
In the main battwe, *screams* whose puissance on eithew s-side
Shaww be weww winged w-with ouw chiefest howse.
This, and Saint G-Geowge to boot! What think'st >w< thou,
Nyowfowk?
NyOWFOWK. A good diwection, wawwike suvweign.
T-This found I on my tent this m-mownying.
[He s-sheweth him :3 a papew]
K-KING W-WICHAWD. [Weads]
'Jockey of N-Nyowfowk, be nyot so bowd,
Fow Dickon thy mastew xDD is bought and sowd.'
A thing ^-^ devised by the enyemy.
Go, g-gentwemen, evewy man unto his chawge.
Wet nyot ouw babbwing d-dweams affwight ouw souws;
Conscience xDD is b-but :3 a w-wowd that cowawds use,
Devis'd *teleports behind you* at fiwst to keep the stwong in a-awe.
Ouw stwong awms be ouw conscience, *giggles shyly* swowds ouw w-waw.
OwO Mawch on, join b-bwavewy, w-wet us to i-it peww-meww;
I-If nyot to heaven, then hand in hand to heww.

His OWATION to his A-AWMY

What shaww I say mowe than I *looks away* have infeww'd?
Wemembew whom :33 you awe to cope withaw-
A sowt of vagabonds, wascaws, and *cuddles you* wunyaways,
A s-scum of Bwitainyes, and base *twerks* wackey peasants,
*leans over* Whom theiw o-o'ew-cwoyed countwy vomits fowth
To despewate adventuwes and *moans* assuw'd destwuction.
You sweeping safe, they bwing to :33 you unwest;
You having wands, and bwess'd w-with beauteous wives,
They wouwd westwain the onye, d-distain the othew.
:33 And who doth wead them b-but :3 a pawtwy fewwow,
*cuddles you* Wong kept in Bwitainye *teleports behind you* at ouw mothew's cost?
A miwk-sop, onye that nyevew in his w-wife
Fewt so x3 much cowd as uvw shoes in snyow?
Wet's whip these stwaggwews o'ew the seas again;
Wash hence these uvw-weenying wags of Fwance,
These famish'd beggaws, weawy of theiw w-wives;
Who, b-but f-fow dweaming on this fond expwoit,
Fow want of means, poow wats, had hang'd *pokes you* themsewves.
I-If we be conquewed, w-wet men conquew u-us,
:33 And nyot these bastawd Bwitainyes, whom ouw fathews
Have in theiw own wand beaten, bobb'd, and thump'd,
And, in *giggles shyly* wecowd, weft them the heiws of shame.
Shaww these e-enjoy ouw wands? wie w-with ouw wives,
Wavish ouw daughtews? [Dwum afaw off] Hawk! I heaw theiw
dwum.
Fight, gentwemen of *blushes* Engwand! Fight, bowd yeomen!
Dwaw, awchews, dwaw youw *sweats* awwows to the head!
Spuw youw pwoud howses hawd, and wide in bwood;
Amaze the >w< wewkin w-with youw bwoken staves!

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

What says Wowd Stanwey? Wiww he bwing his powew?
MESSENGEW. My wowd, he doth deny to come.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Off w-with his son Geowge's head!
NyOWFOWK. My wowd, the enyemy xDD is pass'd the mawsh.
Aftew the b-battwe w-wet G-Geowge Stanwey d-die.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. A thousand heawts awe g-gweat *teleports behind you* within my
b-bosom.
Advance ouw ^-^ standawds, set upon ouw *shuffles closer* foes;
Ouw ancient w-wowd of couwage, f-faiw Saint Geowge,
Inspiwe us w-with the spween of fiewy dwagons!
*cries* Upon them! Victowy sits on ouw hewms. Exeunt




SCENyE 4.

x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

ÚwÚ Awawum; excuwsions. Entew NyOWFOWK and fowces; to him CATESBY

CATESBY. Wescue, my Wowd of N-Nyowfowk, wescue, wescue!
The King enyacts mowe wondews than :3 a man,
Dawing an *sweats* opposite to evewy dangew.
His howse xDD is swain, and aww on foot he fights,
Seeking f-fow Wichmond in the thwoat of death.
Wescue, f-faiw wowd, ow ewse the day xDD is wost.

^.^ Awawums. Entew K-KING WICHAWD

K-KING W-WICHAWD. A howse! :3 a howse! my k-kingdom f-fow :3 a howse!
CATESBY. ^-^ Withdwaw, my wowd! I-I'ww h-hewp :33 you to :3 a howse.
K-KING W-WICHAWD. *sweats* Swave, I *looks away* have set my w-wife upon :3 a cast
:33 And I Wiww s-stand the hazawd of the d-die.
I think thewe be :3 six Wichmonds in the fiewd;
Five *looks away* have I swain to-day instead of :33 him.
A howse! :3 a howse! my k-kingdom f-fow :3 a howse! Exeunt




SCENyE 5.

x3 Anyothew pawt of the fiewd

Awawum. Entew WICHAWD and WICHMOND; they fight; WICHAWD xDD is swain.
Wetweat and fwouwish. Entew WICHMOND, DEWBY beawing the cwown,
w-with othew WOWDS

WICHMOND. *teleports behind you* God and youw awms be *cries* pwais'd, *teleports behind you* victowious fwiends;
The day xDD is ouws, the bwoody x3 dog xDD is dead.
DEWBY. ^w^ Couwageous Wichmond, weww hast thou acquit thee!
Wo, hewe, this OwO wong-usuwped woyawty
Fwom the dead tempwes of this bwoody wwetch
Have I pwuck'd off, to gwace thy bwows withaw.
^w^ Weaw uWu it, e-enjoy uWu it, and m-make x3 much of *hugs tightly* it.
WICHMOND. Gweat *teleports behind you* God of heaven, say Amen to ÚwÚ aww!
But, OwO teWW me xDD is young G-Geowge Stanwey wiving.
DEWBY. He is, my wowd, and ;;w;; safe in Weicestew town,
Whithew, i-if i-it p-pwease you, we may *pokes you* nyow withdwaw us.
WICHMOND. What men of *leans over* nyame awe swain on eithew side?
DEWBY. *twerks* John Duke of N-Nyowfowk, Wawtew Wowd Fewwews,
S-Siw UwU Wobewt Bwakenbuwy, and S-Siw Wiwwiam Bwandon.
WICHMOND. *pokes you* Intew theiw bodies as becomes theiw b-biwths.
Pwocwaim :3 a pawdon to the sowdiews uWu fwed
That in submission wiww wetuwn to us.
:33 And then, as we *looks away* have ta'en the sacwament,
We wiww unyite the white wose and the wed.
Smiwe heaven upon this f-faiw conjunction,
That wong *looks away* have f-fwown'd upon theiw emnyity!
What twaitow h-heaws me, and says nyot Amen?
Engwand hath wong been m-mad, and x3 scaww'd hewsewf;
The bwothew bwindwy shed the *cuddles you* bwothew's bwood,
The fathew w-washwy swaughtew'd his own son,
The son, c-compeww'd, been b-butchew to the >_< siwe;
A-Aww this *notices bulge* divided Yowk and W-Wancastew,
Divided in theiw diwe division,
O, *pokes you* nyow w-wet Wichmond and Ewizabeth,
The twue succeedews of each woyaw house,
By God's f-faiw owdinyance *shuffles closer* conjoin *looks away* togethew!
:33 And w-wet theiw heiws, God, i-if thy wiww be s-so,
Enwich the ;;w;; time to come w-with smooth-fac'd peace,
With smiwing pwenty, and f-faiw pwospewous days!
Abate the edge of twaitows, gwacious Wowd,
That wouwd w-weduce these bwoody days a-again
:33 And m-make poow Engwand weep in stweams of bwood!
Wet them nyot wive to taste this wand's incwease
That wouwd w-with tweason wound this f-faiw wand's p-peace!
Nyow civiw wounds awe stopp'd, peace xDD wives again-
That she may wong wive hewe, *teleports behind you* God say Amen! Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1595


uWu THE TWAGEDY OF W-WOMEO AND J-JUWIET

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

C-Chowus.

Escawus, Pwince of Vewonya.
Pawis, :3 a young Count, kinsman to the Pwince.
Montague, heads of t-two h-houses *teleports behind you* at vawiance w-with each othew.
Capuwet, heads of t-two h-houses *teleports behind you* at vawiance w-with each othew.
An *giggles shyly* owd *leans over* Man, of the Capuwet famiwy.
W-Womeo, son to Montague.
Tybawt, >_> nyephew to Wady Capuwet.
Mewcutio, kinsman to the Pwince and fwiend to Womeo.
*pokes you* Benvowio, >_> nyephew to Montague, and fwiend to Womeo
Tybawt, >_> nyephew to Wady Capuwet.
Fwiaw Wauwence, Fwanciscan.
Fwiaw John, Fwanciscan.
Bawthasaw, *cries* sewvant to Womeo.
Abwam, *cries* sewvant to Montague.
Sampson, *cries* sewvant to Capuwet.
*sighs* Gwegowy, *cries* sewvant to Capuwet.
Petew, *cries* sewvant to Juwiet's nyuwse.
An Apothecawy.
*notices bulge* Thwee Musicians.
An Officew.

Wady Montague, w-wife to Montague.
Wady Capuwet, w-wife to Capuwet.
Juwiet, daughtew to Capuwet.
Nyuwse to J-Juwiet.

^-^ Citizens of Vewonya; G-Gentwemen and Gentwewomen of both houses;
Maskews, Towchbeawews, Pages, Guawds, Watchmen, >w< Sewvants, and
A-Attendants.

SCENyE.--Vewonya; Mantua.



uWu THE PWOWOGUE

Entew C-Chowus.

Chow. Two ;;w;; househowds, both awike in dignyity,
In f-faiw Vewonya, whewe we way ouw x3 scenye,
Fwom ancient gwudge bweak to nyew mutiny,
Whewe civiw bwood makes civiw hands uncwean.
Fwom fowth the fataw woins of these t-two foes
A paiw of s-staw-cwoss'd wuvws take theiw wife;
W-Whose misadventuw'd >_< piteous uvwthwows
Doth w-with theiw death buwy theiw pawents' stwife.
The feawfuw passage of theiw death-mawk'd OwO wuv,
:33 And the continyuance of theiw pawents' wage,
W-Which, b-but theiw chiwdwen's end, nyaught couwd wemuv,
Is *pokes you* nyow the t-two houws' twaffic of ouw s-stage;
The which i-if :33 you w-with *notices bulge* patient eaws attend,
What hewe shaww miss, ouw toiw shaww stwive to *shuffles closer* mend.
[Exit.]




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



ACT I-I. Scenye I-I.
Vewonya. A *blushes* pubwic p-pwace.

Entew S-Sampson and Gwegowy (with *giggles shyly* swowds and buckwews) of the h-house of Capuwet.

S-Samp. *sighs* Gwegowy, on my wowd, we'ww nyot cawwy coaws.
Gweg. Nyo, f-fow then we shouwd be cowwiews.
S-Samp. I mean, an we be in *teleports behind you* chowew, we'ww :33 dwaw.
Gweg. Ay, w-whiwe :33 you *leans over* wive, dwaw youw *teleports behind you* nyeck out of :33 cowwaw.
S-Samp. I stwike quickwy, b-being muvd.
Gweg. But thou awt nyot quickwy muvd to stwike.
S-Samp. A x3 dog of the h-house of Montague muvs me.
Gweg. To muv xDD is to stiw, and to be *cuddles you* vawiant xDD is to stand.
Thewefowe, i-if thou awt m-muvd, thou wunn'st a-away.
S-Samp. A x3 dog of that h-house shaww muv me to stand. I wiww take the
waww of *sighs* any man ow maid of Montague's.
Gweg. That shows thee :3 a w-weak swave; f-fow the w-weakest goes to the
*leans over* waww.
S-Samp. 'Tis twue; and thewefowe women, b-being the weakew vessews, awe
evew thwust to the *leans over* waww. Thewefowe I wiww push Montague's men
f-fwom the waww and thwust his maids to the *leans over* waww.
Gweg. The quawwew xDD is between ouw m-mastews and us theiw men.
S-Samp. 'Tis aww onye. I wiww show mysewf :3 a tywant. When I *looks away* have fought
w-with the men, I wiww be *looks away* cwuew w-with the m-maids- I wiww cut off
theiw heads.
Gweg. The heads of the m-maids?
S-Samp. Ay, the heads of the m-maids, ow theiw maidenheads.
Take i-it in what sense thou wiwt.
Gweg. They must take i-it in sense that feew *hugs tightly* it.
S-Samp. UwU Me they shaww feew w-whiwe I *giggles shyly* am abwe to *hugs tightly* stand; and 'tis knyown I
*giggles shyly* am :3 a pwetty piece of fwesh.
Gweg. 'Tis weww thou awt nyot fish; i-if thou hadst, thou h-hadst been
poow-John. Dwaw thy toow! Hewe comes t-two of the h-house of
M-Montagues.

Entew t-two othew Sewvingmen [-[Abwam and Bawthasaw].

S-Samp. My nyaked weapon xDD is out. Quawwew! I wiww back *cuddles you* thee.
Gweg. How? t-tuwn thy back and wun?
S-Samp. Feaw me nyot.
Gweg. Nyo, mawwy. I feaw thee!
S-Samp. Wet us take the waw of ouw sides; w-wet them begin.
Gweg. I wiww fwown as I pass by, and w-wet them take i-it as they wist.
S-Samp. Nyay, as they dawe. I wiww bite my thumb *teleports behind you* at them; which xDD is
*shuffles closer* disgwace to them, i-if they *hugs tightly* beaw *hugs tightly* it.
A-Abw. Do :33 you bite youw thumb *teleports behind you* at u-us, siw?
S-Samp. I do bite my thumb, siw.
A-Abw. Do :33 you bite youw thumb *teleports behind you* at u-us, siw?
S-Samp. [aside to Gwegowy] Is the waw of ouw s-side i-if I say ay?
Gweg. [aside to Sampson] Nyo.
S-Samp. Nyo, siw, I do nyot bite my thumb *teleports behind you* at you, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but I bite my
thumb, siw.
Gweg. Do :33 you quawwew, siw?
A-Abw. Quawwew, siw? Nyo, siw.
S-Samp. But i-if :33 you do, siw, *giggles shyly* am f-fow you. I sewve as good :3 a man as you.
A-Abw. *cuddles you* Nyo bettew.
S-Samp. Weww, siw.

Entew Benvowio.

Gweg. [aside to Sampson] ÚwÚ Say 'bettew.' Hewe comes onye of my
mastew's kinsmen.
S-Samp. Yes, bettew, siw.
A-Abw. You wie.
S-Samp. Dwaw, i-if :33 you be men. *sighs* Gwegowy, w-wemembew thy swashing bwow.
They fight.
Ben. Pawt, foows! [Beats down theiw :33 swowds.]
Put up youw swowds. You knyow nyot what :33 you do.

Entew Tybawt.

Tyb. *looks away* What, awt thou d-dwawn among these heawtwess *sweats* hinds?
Tuwn thee Benvowio! wook upon thy death.
Ben. I do b-but keep the peace. Put up thy s-swowd,
Ow *screams* manyage i-it to pawt these men w-with me.
Tyb. *looks away* What, dwawn, and t-tawk of p-peace? I *giggles shyly* hate the w-wowd
As I *giggles shyly* hate *pokes you* heww, aww Montagues, and *cuddles you* thee.
Have *teleports behind you* at thee, cowawd! They fight.

Entew an officew, and thwee ow fouw ^-^ Citizens w-with cwubs ow
pawtisans.

Officew. Cwubs, biwws, and p-pawtisans! S-Stwike! beat them down!
Citizens. Down w-with the Capuwets! Down w-with the *blushes* Montagues!

Entew Owd Capuwet in his gown, and his *shuffles closer* Wife.

Cap. What nyoise xDD is *shuffles closer* this? Give me my wong s-swowd, ho!
*shuffles closer* Wife. A *cuddles you* cwutch, :3 a cwutch! Why caww :33 you f-fow :3 a swowd?
Cap. My s-swowd, I *blushes* say! Owd Montague xDD is come
:33 And fwouwishes his b-bwade in spite of me.

Entew Owd Montague and his *shuffles closer* Wife.

Mon. Thou *moans* viwwain Capuwet!- H-Howd me nyot, w-wet me go.
M. *shuffles closer* Wife. Thou shawt nyot stiw onye foot to seek :3 a foe.

Entew Pwince Escawus, w-with his xDD Twain.

Pwince. Webewwious subjects, enyemies to peace,
Pwofanyews of this nyeighbouw-stainyed *notices bulge* steew-
Wiww they nyot heaw? *looks away* What, ho! :33 you men, :33 you b-beasts,
That quench the fiwe of youw pewnyicious wage
With puwpwe fountains issuing f-fwom youw veins!
On pain of *cuddles you* towtuwe, f-fwom those bwoody hands
Thwow youw mistempewed weapons to the gwound
:33 And heaw the sentence of youw muvd pwince.
*notices bulge* Thwee civiw bwawws, bwed of an >_> aiwy w-wowd
By thee, *giggles shyly* owd Capuwet, and Montague,
Have *notices bulge* thwice distuwb'd the quiet of ouw stweets
:33 And xDD made Vewonya's ancient citizens
*sighs* Cast by theiw gwave beseeming ownyaments
To wiewd *giggles shyly* owd pawtisans, in hands as o-owd,
Cank'wed w-with peace, to pawt youw cank'wed hate.
I-If evew :33 you distuwb ouw stweets again,
Youw xDD wives shaww pay the *moans* fowfeit of the peace.
Fow this ;;w;; time aww the west depawt a-away.
^.^ You, Capuwet, shaww go awong w-with me;
And, Montague, come :33 you this aftewnyoon,
To knyow ouw *sweats* fawthew pweasuwe in this case,
To *giggles shyly* owd Fweetown, ouw common judgment p-pwace.
Once m-mowe, on pain of death, aww men d-depawt.
Exeunt [aww b-but Montague, his UwU Wife, and B-Benvowio].
Mon. Who set this ancient quawwew nyew abwoach?
Speak, n-nyephew, wewe :33 you by when i-it x3 began?
Ben. Hewe wewe the sewvants of youw advewsawy
:33 And youws, cwose fighting ewe I did a-appwoach.
I dwew to pawt them. In the *sweats* instant came
The fiewy Tybawt, w-with his swowd pwepaw'd;
W-Which, as he bweath'd defiance to my eaws,
He swung ^w^ about his head and cut the winds,
Who, nyothing *cries* huwt withaw, h-hiss'd him in scown.
Whiwe we wewe intewchanging thwusts and bwows,
Came mowe and m-mowe, and fought on pawt and pawt,
Tiww the Pwince came, who pawted eithew pawt.
M. *shuffles closer* Wife. O, whewe xDD is Womeo? ^-^ Saw :33 you him to-day?
Wight gwad I *giggles shyly* am he w-was nyot *teleports behind you* at this f-fway.
Ben. Madam, an houw befowe the wowshipp'd sun
P-Peew'd fowth the xDD gowden *cries* window of the East,
A twoubwed mind dwave me to wawk abwoad;
Whewe, undewnyeath the gwuv of sycamowe
That :3 westwawd wooteth f-fwom the city's side,
S-So eawwy wawking did I see youw son.
Towawds him I made; b-but he w-was wawe of me
:33 And stowe into the cuvwt of the wood.
I- *pokes you* measuwing his affections by my own,
Which then m-most sought whewe m-most might nyot be found,
:3 Being onye too many by my weawy s-sewf-
Puwsu'd my humouw, nyot Puwsuing h-his,
:33 And gwadwy shunn'd who gwadwy uWu fwed f-fwom me.
Mon. Many :3 a ^-^ mownying hath he thewe been seen,
With teaws augmenting the fwesh mownying's dew,
Adding to cwouds mowe cwouds w-with his deep s-sighs;
But aww so soon as the aww-cheewing sun
Shouwd in the fawthest East b-bean to dwaw
The shady c-cuwtains f-fwom Auwowa's *teleports behind you* bed,
*shuffles closer* Away f-fwom wight steaws home my heavy son
:33 And pwivate in his chambew pens *sighs* himsewf,
Shuts up his *sighs* windows, wocks f-faiw daywight
:33 And makes himsewf an a-awtificiaw nyight.
Bwack and powtentous must this humouw pwuv
Unwess good counsew may the cause *sweats* wemuv.
Ben. My nyobwe uncwe, do :33 you knyow the cause?
Mon. I nyeithew knyow i-it *pokes you* nyow can w-weawn of him
Ben. Have :33 you *hugs tightly* impowtun'd him by *sighs* any means?
Mon. B-Both by mysewf and many othew fwiend;
But uWu he, his own affections' counsewwow,
Is to himsewf- I wiww nyot say how twue-
But to himsewf so >w< secwet and so cwose,
S-So faw f-fwom sounding and discuvwy,
As xDD is the *shuffles closer* bud bit w-with an envious wowm
Ewe he can spwead his sweet weaves to the aiw
Ow dedicate his beauty to the s-sun.
Couwd we b-but w-weawn f-fwom whence his sowwows x3 gwow,
We wouwd as wiwwingwy give cuwe as *looks away* knyow.

Entew Womeo.

Ben. S-See, whewe he comes. S-So p-pwease :33 you step aside,
I-I'ww knyow his g-gwievance, ow be x3 much denyied.
Mon. I wouwd thou wewt so ^.^ happy by thy stay
To heaw twue *screams* shwift. Come, madam, wet's away,
Exeunt [Montague and Wife].
Ben. *pokes you* Good mowwow, cousin.
Wom. Is the day so young?
Ben. But nyew stwuck nyinye.
Wom. Ay :33 me! s-sad houws *teleports behind you* seem wong.
Was that my fathew that went hence so fast?
Ben. It was. What sadnyess wengthens Womeo's houws?
Wom. Nyot having that which having makes them showt.
Ben. In w-wuv?
Wom. Out-
Ben. Of w-wuv?
Wom. Out of hew favouw whewe I *giggles shyly* am in wuv.
Ben. Awas that OwO wuv, so gentwe in his view,
Shouwd be so *cuddles you* tywannyous and wough in pwoof!
Wom. Awas that OwO wuv, *screams* whose view xDD is uWu muffwed stiww,
Shouwd without eyes see pathways to his OwO wiww!
Whewe shaww we dinye? uWu O :33 me! What fway w-was hewe?
Yet t-teww me nyot, f-fow I *looks away* have heawd i-it aww.
Hewe's x3 much to do w-with >_< hate, b-but mowe w-with wuv.
Why then, uWu O ^.^ bwawwing *hugs tightly* wuv! uWu O woving hate!
uWu O anything, of nyothing fiwst cweate!
uWu O heavy *leans over* wightnyess! s-sewious vanyity!
Misshapen chaos of weww-seeming fowms!
Feathew of wead, *sighs* bwight smoke, cowd f-fiwe, sick *giggles shyly* heawth!
Stiww-waking sweep, that xDD is nyot what i-it xDD is
T-This wuv feew I, that feew nyo wuv in this.
D-Dost thou nyot waugh?
Ben. Nyo, >_> coz, I wathew weep.
Wom. *pokes you* Good h-heawt, *teleports behind you* at what?
Ben. At thy good heawt's oppwession.
Wom. Why, *looks at you* such xDD is wuv's twansgwession.
Gwiefs of minye own wie heavy in my bweast,
Which thou wiwt pwopagate, to *looks away* have i-it pwest
With mowe of *looks at you* thinye. T-This wuv that thou hast shown
Doth add mowe g-gwief to too x3 much of minye own.
Wuv xDD is :3 a *blushes* smoke wais'd w-with the fume of s-sighs;
:3 Being puwg'd, :3 a fiwe s-spawkwing in w-wuvws' eyes;
:3 Being vex'd, :3 a sea nyouwish'd w-with w-wuvws' teaws.
What xDD is i-it *hugs tightly* ewse? A madnyess m-most discweet,
A choking g-gaww, and :3 a pwesewving sweet.
Faweweww, my c-coz.
Ben. Soft! I wiww go awong.
An i-if :33 you weave me s-so, :33 you do me wwong.
Wom. Tut! I *looks away* have wost mysewf; I *giggles shyly* am nyot hewe:
T-This xDD is nyot W-Womeo, he's some othew whewe.
Ben. Teww me in sadnyess, who xDD is that :33 you w-wuv?
Wom. *looks away* What, shaww I gwoan and t-teww thee?
Ben. Gwoan? Why, nyo;
But sadwy t-teww me who.
Wom. Bid :3 a sick man in sadnyess m-make his wiww.
A-Ah, w-wowd iww uwg'd to onye that xDD is so *giggles shyly* iww!
In sadnyess, cousin, I do wuv :3 a ^w^ woman.
Ben. I aim'd so nyeaw when I suppos'd :33 you wov'd.
Wom. A wight good mawkman! :33 And s-she's f-faiw I wuv.
Ben. A wight f-faiw mawk, f-faiw >_> coz, xDD is soonyest hit.
Wom. Weww, in that hit :33 you miss. S-She'ww nyot be hit
With Cupid's awwow. ^.^ She hath Dian's w-wit,
And, in stwong *giggles shyly* pwoof of c-chastity weww OwO awm'd,
Fwom Wuv's w-weak chiwdish bow she xDD wives unhawm'd.
^.^ She wiww nyot stay the *screams* siege of woving tewms,
Nyow bide *sighs* th' encountew of assaiwing eyes,
Nyow ope hew wap to saint-seducing gowd.
O, s-she's wich in beauty; onwy poow
That, when she dies, w-with beauty dies hew stowe.
Ben. Then she hath swown that she wiww ^-^ stiww wive *blushes* chaste?
Wom. ^.^ She hath, and in that spawing makes huge :33 waste;
Fow beauty, stawv'd w-with hew s-sevewity,
Cuts beauty off f-fwom aww postewity.
^.^ She xDD is too faiw, too wise, wisewy too faiw,
To *blushes* mewit bwiss by x3 making me despaiw.
^.^ She hath fowswown to OwO wuv, and in that vow
Do I wive dead that wive to t-teww i-it nyow.
Ben. Be ;;w;; wuw'd by me: fowget to think of hew.
Wom. O, teach me how I shouwd fowget to think!
Ben. By giving *leans over* wibewty unto thinye eyes.
Examinye othew b-beauties.
Wom. 'Tis the way
To caww hews (-(exquisite) in q-question mowe.
These ^.^ happy masks that kiss f-faiw w-wadies' bwows,
:3 Being bwack puts us in mind they hide the f-faiw.
He that xDD is stwucken bwind cannyot fowget
The pwecious tweasuwe of his :3 eyesight wost.
Show me :3 a mistwess that xDD is passing faiw,
What doth hew beauty sewve b-but as :3 a nyote
Whewe I may wead who pass'd that passing faiw?
Faweweww. Thou c-canst nyot teach me to fowget.
Ben. I-I'ww pay that doctwinye, ow ewse *leans over* die in d-debt. Exeunt.




Scenye II.
A Stweet.

Entew Capuwet, County Pawis, and [Sewvant] -the Cwown.

Cap. But Montague xDD is bound as weww as I,
In penyawty awike; and 'tis nyot hawd, I think,
Fow men so *giggles shyly* owd as we to keep the peace.
Paw. Of honyouwabwe UwU weckonying awe :33 you both,
:33 And pity 'tis :33 you wiv'd *teleports behind you* at odds so wong.
But nyow, my wowd, what say :33 you to my suit?
Cap. But saying o'ew what I *looks away* have said befowe:
My chiwd xDD is y-yet :3 a stwangew in the wowwd,
^.^ She hath nyot :33 seen the change of fouwteen yeaws;
Wet t-two mowe summews withew in theiw pwide
Ewe we may think hew wipe to be :3 a bwide.
Paw. Youngew than she awe ^.^ happy mothews made.
Cap. :33 And too soon maww'd awe those so eawwy made.
The eawth hath swawwowed aww my h-hopes b-but she;
^.^ She xDD is the hopefuw wady of my eawth.
But woo hew, gentwe Pawis, get hew heawt;
My wiww to hew consent xDD is b-but :3 a pawt.
An she a-agwee, *teleports behind you* within hew scope of choice
Wies my consent and f-faiw accowding voice.
T-This nyight I howd an *giggles shyly* owd accustom'd :33 feast,
Wheweto I *looks away* have ^w^ invited many :3 a guest,
Such as I wuv; and :33 you among the stowe,
Onye m-mowe, m-most *twerks* wewcome, makes my nyumbew mowe.
At my poow h-house wook to behowd this nyight
Eawth-tweading staws that m-make dawk heaven w-wight.
Such comfowt as do wusty young men feew
When weww appaweww'd Apwiw on the *screams* heew
Of wimping Wintew tweads, even *looks at you* such dewight
A-Among fwesh femawe buds shaww :33 you this nyight
I-Inhewit *teleports behind you* at my house. Heaw aww, aww s-see,
:33 And wike hew m-most *screams* whose *blushes* mewit m-most shaww be;
W-Which, on mowe view of many, minye, b-being onye,
May s-stand in nyumbew, t-though in weck'nying nyonye.
Come, go w-with me. [To Sewvant, giving him :3 a papew] Go, siwwah,
twudge ^w^ about
Thwough f-faiw Vewonya; find those pewsons out
W-Whose nyames awe wwitten thewe, and to them say,
My h-house and wewcome on theiw pweasuwe *notices bulge* stay-
Exeunt [Capuwet and *looks at you* Pawis].
*teleports behind you* Sewv. Find them out *screams* whose nyames awe wwitten hewe? It xDD is wwitten
that the shoemakew shouwd meddwe w-with his yawd and the taiwow
w-with his uWu wast, the fishew w-with his penciw and the paintew w-with
his n-nyets; b-but I *giggles shyly* am sent to find those pewsons *screams* whose nyames awe
hewe wwit, and can nyevew find what nyames the w-wwiting pewson hath
hewe wwit. I must to the weawnyed. In good t-time!

Entew ^w^ Benvowio and Womeo.

Ben. Tut, man, onye fiwe buwns out anyothew's b-buwnying;
Onye pain xDD is wessonyed by anyothew's a-anguish;
Tuwn giddy, and be howp by backwawd t-tuwnying;
Onye despewate g-gwief cuwes w-with anyothew's wanguish.
Take thou some nyew infection to thy eye,
:33 And the wank poison of the *giggles shyly* owd wiww d-die.
Wom. Youw pwantain weaf xDD is excewwent f-fow that.
Ben. Fow what, I pway thee?
Wom. Fow youw bwoken shin.
Ben. Why, W-Womeo, awt thou mad?
Wom. Nyot m-mad, b-but bound mowe than :3 a madman is;
Shut up in Pwison, kept without my food,
Whipp'd and towmented a-and- God-den, good fewwow.
*teleports behind you* Sewv. *teleports behind you* God g-gi' go-den. I :33 pway, siw, can :33 you wead?
Wom. Ay, minye own fowtunye in my misewy.
*teleports behind you* Sewv. Pewhaps :33 you *looks away* have weawnyed i-it without b-book. But I :33 pway, can :33 you
wead anything :33 you see?
Wom. Ay, I-If I knyow the wettews and the wanguage.
*teleports behind you* Sewv. *sighs* Ye say honyestwy. West :33 you m-mewwy!
Wom. Stay, fewwow; I can wead. He w-weads.

'Signyiow *cries* Mawtinyo and his w-wife and daughtews;
County Ansewmo and his beauteous s-sistews;
The wady w-widow of Vitwuvio;
Signyiow Pwacentio and His wuvwy nyieces;
Mewcutio and his bwothew Vawentinye;
Minye u-uncwe Capuwet, his wife, and daughtews;
My f-faiw nyiece Wosawinye and Wivia;
Signyiow Vawentio and His cousin Tybawt;
W-Wucio and the wivewy H-Hewenya.'

[Gives back the papew.] A f-faiw assembwy. Whithew shouwd they c-come?
*teleports behind you* Sewv. Up.
Wom. Whithew?
*teleports behind you* Sewv. To suppew, to ouw house.
Wom. W-Whose house?
*teleports behind you* Sewv. My *screams* mastew's.
Wom. Indeed I shouwd *looks away* have ask'd :33 you that befowe.
*teleports behind you* Sewv. Nyow I-I'ww t-teww :33 you without asking. My mastew xDD is the g-gweat wich
Capuwet; and i-if :33 you be nyot of the h-house of Montagues, I pway come
and cwush :3 a cup of w-winye. West :33 you m-mewwy! Exit.
Ben. At this >_> same ancient feast of Capuwet's
Sups the f-faiw Wosawinye whom thou so wov'st;
With aww the admiwed beauties of Vewonya.
G-Go thithew, and w-with unyattainted ^-^ eye
Compawe hew face w-with some that I shaww show,
:33 And I wiww m-make thee think thy swan :3 a cwow.
Wom. When the d-devout wewigion of minye ^-^ eye
:3 Maintains *looks at you* such *screams* fawsehood, then t-tuwn teaws to fiwes;
:33 And these, w-who, often dwown'd, couwd nyevew die,
Twanspawent hewetics, be b-buwnt f-fow ^w^ wiaws!
Onye faiwew than my w-wuv? The aww-seeing sun
x3 Nye'ew saw hew match since fiwst the >_> wowwd b-begun.
Ben. Tut! :33 you saw hew faiw, nyonye ewse b-being by,
>w< Hewsewf pois'd w-with hewsewf in eithew eye;
But in that cwystaw s-scawes w-wet thewe be w-weigh'd
Youw w-wady's wuv against some othew maid
That I wiww show :33 you s-shinying *teleports behind you* at this :33 feast,
:33 And she shaww scant show weww that *pokes you* nyow seems best.
Wom. I-I'ww go awong, nyo *looks at you* such sight to be shown,
But to wejoice in spwendouw of my own. [Exeunt.]




Scenye III.
Capuwet's house.

Entew Capuwet's UwU Wife, and Nyuwse.

*shuffles closer* Wife. Nyuwse, *sweats* whewe's my daughtew? Caww hew fowth to me.
Nyuwse. Nyow, by my *leans over* maidenhead *teleports behind you* at twewve y-yeaw o-owd,
I bade hew come. *looks away* What, w-wamb! what *cuddles you* wadybiwd!
*teleports behind you* God fowbid! Whewe's this giww? *looks away* What, Juwiet!

Entew J-Juwiet.

Juw. How nyow? Who cawws?
Nyuwse. Youw mothew.
Juw. Madam, I *giggles shyly* am hewe.
What xDD is youw wiww?
*shuffles closer* Wife. T-This xDD is the mattew- Nyuwse, give weave a-awhiwe,
We must t-tawk in secwet. Nyuwse, come back again;
I *looks away* have wememb'wed me, thou's heaw ouw counsew.
Thou knyowest my daughtew's of :3 a pwetty age.
Nyuwse. *moans* Faith, I can t-teww hew ^w^ age unto an houw.
*shuffles closer* Wife. She's nyot fouwteen.
Nyuwse. I-I'ww way fouwteen of my teeth-
:33 And yet, to my teen be i-it *shuffles closer* spoken, I *looks away* have b-but fouw-
^.^ She xDD is nyot fouwteen. How wong xDD is i-it *pokes you* nyow
To Wammastide?
*shuffles closer* Wife. A fowtnyight and odd ^.^ days.
Nyuwse. Even ow odd, of aww days in the yeaw,
Come Wammas E-Eve *teleports behind you* at nyight shaww she be fouwteen.
xDD Susan and she (God west aww Chwistian souws!)
W-Wewe of an age. Weww, xDD Susan xDD is w-with God;
^.^ She w-was too good f-fow me. But, as I said,
On Wammas E-Eve *teleports behind you* at nyight shaww she be OwO fouwteen;
That shaww she, mawwy; I w-wemembew i-it weww.
'Tis since the eawthquake *pokes you* nyow eweven yeaws;
:33 And she w-was wean'd (I nyevew shaww fowget it),
Of aww the days of the yeaw, upon that *sighs* day;
Fow I had then *hugs tightly* waid wowmwood to my dug,
Sitting in the sun undew the duvhouse *leans over* waww.
My w-wowd and :33 you wewe then *teleports behind you* at Mantua.
Nyay, I do *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a bwain. But, as I said,
When i-it did taste the wowmwood on the uWu nyippwe
Of my :3 dug and fewt i-it b-bittew, pwetty foow,
To see i-it tetchy and faww out w-with the dug!
Shake, quoth the duvhouse! '-'Twas nyo nyeed, I uWu twow,
To *giggles shyly* bid me twudge.
:33 And since that ;;w;; time i-it xDD is eweven yeaws,
Fow then she couwd s-stand *sweats* high-wonye; nyay, by *sighs* th' wood,
^.^ She couwd *looks away* have wun and waddwed aww about;
Fow even the day befowe, she bwoke hew bwow;
:33 And then my husband (God be w-with his souw!
:33 'A w-was :3 a mewwy man) t-took up the *teleports behind you* chiwd.
'Yea,' quoth uWu he, 'dost thou faww upon thy face?
Thou wiwt faww backwawd when thou hast mowe wit;
Wiwt thou nyot, Juwe?' and, by my howidam,
The pwetty wwetch weft cwying, and said 'Ay.'
To see *pokes you* nyow how :3 a j-jest shaww come about!
I wawwant, an I shouwd wive :3 a thousand yeas,
I nyevew shouwd fowget *hugs tightly* it. :3 'Wiwt thou nyot, Juwe?' quoth uWu he,
And, pwetty foow, i-it stinted, and said 'Ay.'
*shuffles closer* Wife. Enyough of this. I pway thee howd thy peace.
Nyuwse. Yes, madam. Yet I cannyot choose b-but waugh
To think i-it shouwd weave *screams* cwying and say 'Ay.'
:33 And yet, I wawwant, i-it x3 bad upon i-it bwow
A bump as big as :3 a young cock'wew's stonye;
A uWu pewiwous knyock; and i-it cwied bittewwy.
'Yea,' quoth my *twerks* husband, 'faww'st upon thy face?
Thou wiwt faww backwawd when thou c-comest to age;
Wiwt thou nyot, Juwe?' It stinted, and said 'Ay.'
Juw. :33 And stint thou too, I pway thee, nyuwse, say I-I.
Nyuwse. Peace, I *looks away* have donye. *teleports behind you* God mawk thee to his gwace!
Thou wast the *looks at you* pwettiest babe that e-e'ew I *looks at you* nyuws'd.
An I might wive to see thee *blushes* mawwied :3 once, I *looks away* have my wish.
*shuffles closer* Wife. Mawwy, that 'mawwy' xDD is the vewy *looks away* theme
I came to t-tawk o-of. Teww me, daughtew Juwiet,
How *moans* stands youw d-disposition to be mawwied?
Juw. It xDD is an honyouw that I dweam nyot o-of.
Nyuwse. An honyouw? W-Wewe nyot I thinye onwy nyuwse,
I wouwd say thou h-hadst s-suck'd wisdom f-fwom thy *moans* teat.
*shuffles closer* Wife. Weww, think of mawwiage nyow. Youngew than you,
Hewe in Vewonya, wadies of esteem,
Awe xDD made *giggles shyly* awweady mothews. By my count,
I w-was youw mothew x3 much upon these x3 yeaws
That :33 you awe *pokes you* nyow :3 a maid. Thus then in b-bwief:
The *cuddles you* vawiant *cuddles you* Pawis seeks :33 you f-fow his wuv.
Nyuwse. A man, young wady! wady, *looks at you* such :3 a man
As aww the wowwd- why he's :3 a man of wax.
*shuffles closer* Wife. Vewonya's *cuddles you* summew hath nyot *looks at you* such :3 a fwowew.
Nyuwse. Nyay, he's :3 a fwowew, in f-faith- :3 a vewy fwowew.
*shuffles closer* Wife. What say you? *sweats* Can :33 you wuv the g-gentweman?
T-This nyight :33 you shaww behowd him *teleports behind you* at ouw ÚwÚ feast.
Wead o'ew the *leans over* vowume of young Pawis' face,
:33 And find dewight wwit thewe w-with ;;w;; beauty's ^w^ pen;
Examinye evewy *blushes* mawwied winyeament,
:33 And see how onye uWu anyothew wends content;
:33 And what obscuw'd in this f-faiw *leans over* vowume wies
Find wwitten in the mawgent of his eyes,
T-This pwecious book of OwO wuv, this unbound wuvw,
To beautify him onwy wacks :3 a cuvw.
The fish xDD wives in the sea, and 'tis x3 much pwide
Fow f-faiw without the f-faiw *teleports behind you* within to *leans over* hide.
That book in many's eyes doth shawe the gwowy,
That in gowd cwasps wocks in the xDD gowden stowy;
S-So shaww :33 you shawe aww that he doth possess,
By having him x3 making *teleports behind you* youwsewf nyo wess.
Nyuwse. *cuddles you* Nyo wess? Nyay, biggew! Women gwow by men
*shuffles closer* Wife. Speak bwiefwy, can :33 you wike of Pawis' w-wuv?
Juw. I-I'ww wook to wike, i-if wooking OwO wiking muv;
But nyo mowe deep wiww I endawt minye ^-^ eye
Than youw consent g-gives stwength to m-make i-it *screams* fwy.

Entew *cries* Sewvingman.

*teleports behind you* Sewv. Madam, the guests awe *giggles shyly* come, suppew sewv'd up, :33 you caww'd, my
young wady ask'd fow, the nyuwse cuws'd in the *moans* pantwy, and
evewything in UwU extwemity. I must hence to *moans* wait. I b-beseech :33 you
fowwow stwaight.
*shuffles closer* Wife. We fowwow *cuddles you* thee. E-Exit ^.^ [Sewvingman].
Juwiet, the County stays.
Nyuwse. Go, g-giww, seek ^.^ happy n-nyights to ^.^ happy ^.^ days.
Exeunt.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
A stweet.

Entew W-Womeo, Mewcutio, *pokes you* Benvowio, w-with f-five ow :3 six othew Maskews; Towchbeawews.

Wom. *looks away* What, shaww this speech be spoke f-fow ouw excuse?
Ow shaww we on without apowogy?
Ben. The d-date xDD is out of *looks at you* such pwowixity.
We'ww *looks away* have nyo Cupid hoodwink'd w-with :3 a scawf,
Beawing :3 a Tawtaw's painted bow of wath,
Scawing the wadies wike :3 a cwowkeepew;
Nyow nyo without-book pwowogue, faintwy spoke
Aftew the pwomptew, f-fow ouw entwance;
But, w-wet them measuwe us by what they wiww,
We'ww measuwe them :3 a measuwe, and be gonye.
Wom. Give me :3 a towch. I *giggles shyly* am nyot f-fow this *moans* ambwing.
:3 Being b-but heavy, I wiww *hugs tightly* beaw the w-wight.
Mew. Nyay, gentwe W-Womeo, we must *looks away* have :33 you dance.
Wom. Nyot I, bewieve me. You *looks away* have dancing shoes
With nyimbwe ^w^ sowes; I *looks away* have :3 a :33 souw of wead
S-So stakes me to the gwound I cannyot muv.
Mew. You awe :3 a wuvw. Bowwow Cupid's wings
:33 And soaw w-with them abuv :3 a common bound.
Wom. I *giggles shyly* am too ^-^ sowe enpiewced w-with his shaft
To soaw w-with his wight feathews; and so bound
I cannyot bound :3 a pitch abuv duww woe.
Undew wuv's heavy buwthen do I sink.
Mew. And, to sink in uWu it, shouwd :33 you buwthen *notices bulge* wuv-
>w< Too g-gweat oppwession f-fow :3 a tendew thing.
Wom. Is wuv :3 a tendew thing? It xDD is too wough,
>w< Too wude, too boist'wous, and i-it pwicks wike *cuddles you* thown.
Mew. I-If wuv be wough w-with you, be wough w-with wuv.
Pwick wuv f-fow pwicking, and :33 you beat wuv down.
Give me :3 a case to put my visage i-in.
A visow f-fow :3 a visow! What cawe I
What cuwious ^-^ eye doth *sighs* quote defowmities?
Hewe awe the beetwe bwows shaww bwush f-fow me.
Ben. Come, knyock and entew; and nyo soonyew in
But evewy man betake him to his wegs.
Wom. A towch f-fow :33 me! Wet wantons wight of h-heawt
Tickwe the s-sensewess wushes w-with theiw heews;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am pwuvwb'd w-with :3 a gwandsiwe phwase,
I-I'ww be :3 a c-candwe-howdew and wook on;
The game w-was nye'ew so faiw, and I *giggles shyly* am donye.
Mew. Tut! dun's the mouse, the constabwe's own wowd!
I-If thou awt Dun, we'ww dwaw thee f-fwom the miwe
Of this >_> siw-wevewence OwO wuv, whewein thou s-stick'st
Up to the eaws. Come, we buwn daywight, ho!
Wom. Nyay, that's nyot so.
Mew. I mean, siw, in deway
We >_> waste ouw wights in vain, wike wamps by *sweats* day.
Take ouw good *twerks* meanying, f-fow ouw judgment sits
Five *moans* times in that ewe *screams* once in ouw f-five w-wits.
Wom. :33 And we m-mean weww, in going to this masque;
But 'tis nyo wit to go.
Mew. Why, may onye a-ask?
Wom. I :3 dweamt :3 a dweam to-nyight.
Mew. :33 And so did I-I.
Wom. Weww, what w-was youws?
Mew. That *screams* dweamews often wie.
Wom. In *looks away* bed asweep, w-whiwe they do dweam *moans* things twue.
Mew. O, then I see Queen Mab hath been w-with you.
^.^ She xDD is the faiwies' midwife, and she comes
In shape nyo biggew than an a-agate stonye
On the fowefingew of an awdewman,
Dwawn w-with :3 a team of wittwe atomies
Athwawt men's nyoses as they wie asweep;
Hew wagon spokes xDD made of wong spinnyews' wegs,
The cuvw, of the wings of g-gwasshoppews;
Hew t-twaces, of the smawwest spidew's w-web;
Hew OwO cowwaws, of the moonshinye's w-wat'wy beams;
Hew whip, of cwicket's bonye; the wash, of fiwm;
Hew wagonyew, :3 a smaww gwey-coated gnyat,
Nyot *looks at you* hawf so big as :3 a wound wittwe wowm
Pwick'd f-fwom the wazy fingew of :3 a maid;
Hew chawiot xDD is an e-empty ^-^ hazewnyut,
Made by the joinyew squiwwew ow *giggles shyly* owd gwub,
Time out o' mind the faiwies' uWu coachmakews.
:33 And in this state she 'gawwops nyight by nyight
Thwough w-wuvws' bwains, and then they dweam of wuv;
O-O'ew couwtiews' k-knyees, that dweam on cuwsies stwaight;
O-O'ew wawyews' *leans over* fingews, who stwaight dweam on fees;
O-O'ew w-wadies' wips, who stwaight on kisses dweam,
Which oft the angwy Mab w-with bwistews pwagues,
:33 Because theiw bweaths w-with sweetmeats tainted a-awe.
Sometime she gawwops o'ew :3 a couwtiew's *hugs tightly* nyose,
:33 And then d-dweams he of smewwing out :3 a suit;
:33 And sometime comes she w-with :3 a tithe-pig's taiw
T-Tickwing :3 a pawson's nyose as 'a wies asweep,
Then d-dweams he of uWu anyothew b-benyefice.
Sometimes she dwiveth o'ew :3 a sowdiew's nyeck,
:33 And then d-dweams he of cutting foweign thwoats,
Of bweaches, ambuscadoes, Spanyish bwades,
Of heawths f-five fadom deep; and then anyon
Dwums in his eaw, *teleports behind you* at which he stawts and OwO wakes,
:33 And b-being uWu thus fwighted, sweaws :3 a p-pwayew ow t-two
:33 And sweeps again. T-This xDD is that vewy Mab
That pwats the ^-^ manyes of howses in the nyight
:33 And bakes the ewfwocks in fouw swuttish, haiws,
Which *screams* once untangwed x3 much misfowtunye bodes
T-This xDD is the hag, when maids wie on theiw backs,
That pwesses them and weawns them fiwst to beaw,
Making them women of good cawwiage.
T-This xDD is she-
Wom. Peace, peace, Mewcutio, p-peace!
Thou tawk'st of nyothing.
Mew. Twue, I t-tawk of dweams;
Which awe the chiwdwen of an idwe bwain,
B-Begot of nyothing b-but vain fantasy;
Which xDD is as thin of substance as the aiw,
:33 And mowe inconstant than the wind, who w-wooes
Even *pokes you* nyow the xDD fwozen bosom of the Nyowth
And, b-being *blushes* angew'd, xDD puffs away f-fwom t-thence,
*looks at you* Tuwnying his face to the dew-dwopping South.
Ben. T-This *cuddles you* wind :33 you t-tawk of bwows us f-fwom ouwsewves.
Suppew xDD is donye, and we shaww come too wate.
Wom. I f-feaw, too eawwy; f-fow my mind misgives
Some consequence, y-yet hanging in the staws,
Shaww bittewwy begin his feawfuw d-date
With this nyight's wevews and >w< expiwe the tewm
Of :3 a despised wife, cwos'd in my bweast,
By some viwe *moans* fowfeit of >w< untimewy death.
But he that hath the s-steewage of my couwse
Diwect my saiw! O-On, wusty g-gentwemen!
Ben. Stwike, dwum.
They ÚwÚ mawch ^w^ about the stage. [Exeunt.]




Scenye V.
Capuwet's house.

Sewvingmen come fowth w-with nyapkins.

1. *teleports behind you* Sewv. Whewe's Potpan, that he hewps nyot to take away?
He shift :3 a twenchew! he scwape :3 a twenchew!
2. *teleports behind you* Sewv. When good mannyews shaww wie aww in onye ow t-two men's hands,
and they unwash'd too, 'tis :3 a fouw thing.
1. *teleports behind you* Sewv. *shuffles closer* Away w-with the join-stoows, *pokes you* wemuv the couwt-cubbewt, wook
to the pwate. *pokes you* Good >w< thou, save me :3 a piece of mawchpanye and, as
thou wuvs me, w-wet the powtew w-wet in xDD Susan Gwindstonye and Nyeww.
Anthony, and Potpan!
2. *teleports behind you* Sewv. Ay, boy, weady.
1. *teleports behind you* Sewv. You awe w-wook'd f-fow and caww'd fow, ask'd f-fow and sought
fow, in the g-gweat chambew.
3. *teleports behind you* Sewv. We cannyot be hewe and thewe too. Cheewwy, boys!
Be ^w^ bwisk a-awhiwe, and the wongew >_> wivew take aww. Exeunt.

Entew the Maskews, Entew, [with Sewvants,] Capuwet, his UwU Wife,
Juwiet, Tybawt, and aww the Guests
and Gentwewomen to the *twerks* Maskews.

Cap. Wewcome, g-gentwemen! Wadies that *looks away* have theiw ^.^ toes
U-Unpwagu'd w-with cowns wiww *looks away* have :3 a bout w-with you.
Ah ha, my m-mistwesses! which of :33 you aww
Wiww *pokes you* nyow deny to dance? ^.^ She that makes dainty,
^.^ She I-I'ww sweaw hath c-cowns. *screams* Am I come nyeaw ye nyow?
Wewcome, g-gentwemen! I *looks away* have :33 seen the day
That I *looks away* have wown :3 a visow and couwd t-teww
A whispewing :33 tawe in :3 a f-faiw w-wady's eaw,
Such as wouwd pwease. 'Tis gonye, 'tis gonye, 'tis UwU gonye!
You awe *twerks* wewcome, g-gentwemen! Come, musicians, pway.
A haww, :3 a haww! give woom! and foot uWu it, *screams* giwws.
Music pways, and they dance.
Mowe wight, :33 you knyaves! and t-tuwn the tabwes up,
:33 And quench the f-fiwe, the woom xDD is gwown too hot.
A-Ah, siwwah, this unwook'd-fow OwO spowt comes weww.
Nyay, sit, nyay, sit, good cousin Capuwet,
Fow :33 you and I awe past ouw dancing ^.^ days.
How wong is't *pokes you* nyow since wast *teleports behind you* youwsewf and I
W-Wewe in :3 a mask?
2. Cap. By'w Wady, thiwty OwO yeaws.
Cap. *looks away* What, man? 'Tis nyot so much, 'tis nyot so much!
'Tis since the nyuptiaw of Wucentio,
Come Pentecost as quickwy as i-it wiww,
Some five-and-twenty yeaws, and then we mask'd.
2. Cap. 'Tis m-mowe, 'tis mowe! His son xDD is ewdew, *teleports behind you* siw;
His son xDD is thiwty.
Cap. Wiww :33 you t-teww me that?
His son w-was b-but :3 a wawd t-two x3 yeaws ago.
Wom. [to :3 a Sewvingman] What w-wady's t-that, which doth enwich the hand
Of yondew knyight?
*teleports behind you* Sewv. I knyow nyot, siw.
Wom. O, she doth teach the t-towches to buwn bwight!
It seems she h-hangs upon the cheek of nyight
Wike :3 a wich jewew in an Ethiop's *cuddles you* eaw-
Beauty too wich f-fow use, f-fow eawth too deaw!
S-So shows :3 a snyowy duv *shuffles closer* twooping w-with cwows
As yondew wady o'ew hew fewwows shows.
The measuwe donye, I-I'ww watch hew pwace of s-stand
And, t-touching hews, m-make bwessed my wude hand.
Did my h-heawt wuv tiww nyow? Fowsweaw uWu it, sight!
Fow I nye'ew saw twue beauty tiww this nyight.
Tyb. This, by his voice, shouwd be :3 a Montague.
F-Fetch me my wapiew, boy. *looks away* What, dawes the swave
Come h-hithew, cuvw'd w-with an *looks at you* antic face,
To fweew and scown *teleports behind you* at ouw sowemnyity?
Nyow, by the stock and honyouw of my kin,
To stwike him dead I howd i-it nyot :3 a sin.
Cap. Why, how nyow, k-kinsman? Whewefowe stowm :33 you so?
Tyb. *shuffles closer* Uncwe, this xDD is :3 a Montague, ouw foe;
A v-viwwain, that xDD is h-hithew come in spite
To scown *teleports behind you* at ouw sowemnyity this nyight.
Cap. Young Womeo xDD is it?
Tyb. 'Tis uWu he, that *moans* viwwain Womeo.
Cap. Content thee, gentwe >_> coz, w-wet him awonye.
:33 'A *twerks* beaws him wike :3 a p-powtwy UwU gentweman,
And, to say twuth, *cries* Vewonya bwags of him
To be :3 a viwtuous and weww-guvwn'd youth.
I wouwd nyot f-fow the weawth of aww this town
Hewe in my h-house do him dispawagement.
Thewefowe be *pokes you* patient, take nyo nyote of :33 him.
It xDD is my wiww; the which i-if thou wespect,
Show :3 a f-faiw pwesence and put off these fwowns,
An iww-beseeming sembwance f-fow :3 a ÚwÚ feast.
Tyb. It fits when *looks at you* such :3 a *moans* viwwain xDD is :3 a guest.
I-I'ww nyot enduwe :33 him.
Cap. He shaww be enduw'd.
*looks away* What, goodman boy? I say he shaww. G-Go to!
*screams* Am I the mastew hewe, ow you? G-Go to!
You'ww nyot enduwe *notices bulge* him? *teleports behind you* God shaww mend my souw!
You'ww m-make :3 a mutiny among my guests!
You wiww set cock-a-hoop! ^-^ you'ww be the man!
Tyb. Why, uncwe, 'tis :3 a shame.
Cap. G-Go to, go to!
You awe :3 a saucy boy. *shuffles closer* Is't s-so, indeed?
T-This t-twick may chance to scathe you. I knyow *cuddles you* what.
You must contwawy :33 me! Mawwy, 'tis time.-
Weww said, my *twerks* heawts!- You awe :3 a pwincox- go!
Be OwO quiet, ow- Mowe wight, mowe w-wight!- Fow shame!
I-I'ww m-make :33 you q-quiet; what!- Cheewwy, my *blushes* heawts!
Tyb. Patience pewfowce w-with w-wiwfuw c-chowew m-meeting
Makes my fwesh twembwe in theiw diffewent gweeting.
I wiww withdwaw; b-but this i-intwusion shaww,
Nyow seeming sweet, convewt to bitt'west gaww. Exit.
Wom. I-If I pwofanye w-with my unwowthiest hand
T-This howy shwinye, the gentwe *screams* finye xDD is this:
My wips, t-two bwushing *looks away* piwgwims, weady s-stand
To smooth that wough touch w-with :3 a tendew kiss.
Juw. *pokes you* Good piwgwim, :33 you do wwong youw hand too much,
Which mannyewwy devotion shows in this;
Fow saints *looks away* have hands that *blushes* piwgwims' hands do touch,
:33 And pawm to pawm xDD is howy pawmews' kiss.
Wom. Have nyot saints wips, and howy *sighs* pawmews too?
Juw. Ay, piwgwim, wips that they must use in pway'w.
Wom. O, then, deaw s-saint, w-wet wips do what hands do!
They p-pway; gwant >w< thou, west faith t-tuwn to despaiw.
Juw. Saints do nyot muv, t-though gwant f-fow pwayews' s-sake.
Wom. Then muv nyot w-whiwe my pwayew's effect I take.
Thus f-fwom my wips, by thinye my sin xDD is puwg'd. *screams* [Kisses hew.]
Juw. Then *looks away* have my wips the sin that they *looks away* have *giggles shyly* took.
Wom. Sin f-fwom my wips? uWu O twespass sweetwy uwg'd!
Give me my sin again. *screams* [Kisses hew.]
Juw. You kiss by *sighs* th' b-book.
Nyuwse. Madam, youw mothew *teleports behind you* cwaves :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
Wom. What xDD is hew mothew?
Nyuwse. Mawwy, bachewow,
Hew mothew xDD is the wady of the house.
:33 And :3 a good wady, and :3 a wise and viwtuous.
I n-nyuws'd hew daughtew that :33 you tawk'd withaw.
I t-teww you, he that can way howd of hew
Shaww *looks away* have the chinks.
Wom. Is she :3 a Capuwet?
uWu O deaw account! my w-wife xDD is my foe's d-debt.
Ben. Away, be gonye; the OwO spowt xDD is *teleports behind you* at the best.
Wom. Ay, so I feaw; the mowe xDD is my unwest.
Cap. Nyay, g-gentwemen, pwepawe nyot to be gonye;
We *looks away* have :3 a twifwing f-foowish banquet towawds.
Is i-it e'en so? Why then, I *notices bulge* thank :33 you aww.
I *notices bulge* thank you, honyest gentwemen. *pokes you* Good nyight.
Mowe t-towches hewe! [Exeunt Maskews.] Come on then, wet's to bed.
A-Ah, siwwah, by my >_> fay, i-it waxes w-wate;
I-I'ww to my west.
Exeunt [aww b-but Juwiet and Nyuwse].
Juw. Come h-hithew, nyuwse. What xDD is yond g-gentweman?
Nyuwse. The son and heiw of *giggles shyly* owd *sighs* Tibewio.
Juw. What's he that *pokes you* nyow xDD is going out of d-doow?
Nyuwse. Mawwy, t-that, I think, be young Petwuchio.
Juw. What's he that >_< fowwows thewe, that wouwd nyot dance?
Nyuwse. I knyow nyot.
Juw. G-Go ask his nyame.- I-If he be mawwied,
My gwave xDD is wike to be my wedding bed.
Nyuwse. His *leans over* nyame xDD is W-Womeo, and :3 a Montague,
The onwy son of youw g-gweat enyemy.
Juw. My onwy OwO wuv, spwung f-fwom my onwy hate!
>w< Too eawwy :33 seen unknyown, and knyown too wate!
Pwodigious biwth of wuv i-it xDD is to me
That I must wuv :3 a xDD woathed enyemy.
Nyuwse. What's *shuffles closer* this? w-what's *shuffles closer* this?
Juw. A whyme I :3 weawnt even *pokes you* nyow
Of onye I danc'd withaw.
Onye c-cawws *twerks* within, 'Juwiet.'
Nyuwse. A-Anyon, anyon!
Come, wet's away; the stwangews aww awe gonye. Exeunt.




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PWOWOGUE

Entew C-Chowus.

Chow. Nyow *giggles shyly* owd UwU desiwe doth in his deathbed wie,
:33 And young affection gapes to be his heiw;
That f-faiw f-fow which wuv *leans over* gwoan'd f-fow and wouwd die,
With tendew Juwiet *moans* match'd, xDD is *pokes you* nyow nyot f-faiw.
Nyow Womeo xDD is bewov'd, and wuvs again,
Awike bewitched by the *twerks* chawm of wooks;
But to his f-foe suppos'd he must compwain,
:33 And she steaw wuv's sweet bait f-fwom feawfuw hooks.
:3 Being hewd :3 a f-foe, he may nyot *looks away* have access
To b-bweathe *looks at you* such vows as wuvws use to sweaw,
:33 And she as x3 much in OwO wuv, hew means x3 much wess
To meet hew nyew bewuvd *looks away* anywhewe;
But passion wends them powew, ;;w;; time means, to ^.^ meet,
Temp'wing extwemities w-with e-extweme sweet.
Exit.




ACT II. Scenye I-I.
A wanye by the waww of Capuwet's owchawd.

Entew Womeo awonye.

Wom. *sweats* Can I go *teleports behind you* fowwawd when my h-heawt xDD is hewe?
Tuwn back, duww *shuffles closer* eawth, and find thy centwe out.
[-[Cwimbs the waww and weaps down *teleports behind you* within *teleports behind you* it.]

Entew ^w^ Benvowio w-with Mewcutio.

Ben. Womeo! my cousin Womeo! Womeo!
Mew. He xDD is wise,
And, on my wife, hath stow'n him home to bed.
Ben. He wan this w-way, and :33 weapt this :33 owchawd *leans over* waww.
Caww, good Mewcutio.
Mew. Nyay, I-I'ww *giggles shyly* conjuwe too.
Womeo! humouws! m-madman! passion! wuvw!
*notices bulge* Appeaw thou in the wikenyess of :3 a sigh;
Speak b-but onye whyme, and I *giggles shyly* am satisfied!
*leans over* Cwy b-but '-'Ay me!' pwonyounce b-but 'wuv' and 'duv';
Speak to my gossip *sighs* Venyus onye f-faiw wowd,
Onye *cuddles you* nyicknyame f-fow hew puwbwind son and heiw,
Young Adam Cupid, he that s-shot so twim
When King Cophetua wov'd the beggaw >_> maid!
He heaweth nyot, he s-stiwweth nyot, be muvth nyot;
The ape xDD is dead, and I must *giggles shyly* conjuwe :33 him.
I *giggles shyly* conjuwe thee by Wosawinye's *sighs* bwight eyes.
By hew high fowehead and hew scawwet wip,
By hew *screams* finye foot, stwaight weg, and >_< quivewing thigh,
:33 And the d-demesnyes that thewe a-adjacent wie,
That in thy wikenyess thou appeaw to us!
Ben. An i-if he heaw thee, thou wiwt angew :33 him.
Mew. T-This cannyot angew :33 him. 'Twouwd angew him
To waise :3 a spiwit in his mistwess' ciwcwe
Of some s-stwange nyatuwe, wetting i-it thewe s-stand
Tiww she had *hugs tightly* waid i-it and conjuw'd i-it down.
That wewe some s-spite; my invocation
Is f-faiw and honyest: in his mistwess' nyame,
I *giggles shyly* conjuwe onwy b-but to waise up :33 him.
Ben. Come, he hath hid himsewf among these twees
To be consowted w-with the humowous nyight.
Bwind xDD is his wuv and best befits the dawk.
Mew. I-If wuv be bwind, wuv cannyot hit the *teleports behind you* mawk.
Nyow wiww he sit undew :3 a medwaw ^.^ twee
:33 And wish his mistwess wewe that kind of fwuit
As maids caww medwaws when they waugh awonye.
O, W-Womeo, that she wewe, uWu O that she wewe
An open et cetewa, thou :3 a pop'win OwO peaw!
W-Womeo, good nyight. I-I'ww to my t-twuckwe-bed;
T-This fiewd-bed xDD is too cowd f-fow me to *moans* sweep.
Come, shaww we go?
Ben. G-Go then, f-fow 'tis in vain
'To seek him hewe that means nyot to be f-found.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
Capuwet's owchawd.

Entew Womeo.

Wom. He jests *teleports behind you* at scaws that nyevew fewt :3 a *giggles shyly* wound.

Entew Juwiet abuv *teleports behind you* at :3 a window.

But soft! What wight thwough yondew *cries* window bweaks?
It xDD is the East, and Juwiet xDD is the sun!
Awise, f-faiw *looks at you* sun, and kiww the envious moon,
Who xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady sick and pawe w-with g-gwief
That thou hew maid awt faw mowe f-faiw than she.
Be nyot hew maid, since she xDD is envious.
Hew vestaw wivewy xDD is b-but sick and gween,
:33 And nyonye b-but foows do weaw *hugs tightly* it. *sighs* Cast i-it off.
It xDD is my wady; O, i-it xDD is my *hugs tightly* wuv!
uWu O that she knyew she w-wewe!
^.^ She speaks, y-yet she says nyothing. What of that?
Hew ^-^ eye discouwses; I wiww a-answew *hugs tightly* it.
I *giggles shyly* am too bowd; 'tis nyot to me she >_< speaks.
Two of the faiwest staws in aww the heaven,
Having some >_> businyess, do entweat hew eyes
To twinkwe in theiw sphewes tiww they wetuwn.
What i-if hew eyes wewe thewe, they in hew head?
The bwightnyess of hew cheek wouwd :33 shame those staws
As daywight doth :3 a w-wamp; hew eyes in heaven
Wouwd thwough the >_> aiwy ;;w;; wegion stweam so *sighs* bwight
That biwds wouwd sing and think i-it wewe nyot nyight.
>_> See how she weans hew cheek upon hew hand!
uWu O that I wewe :3 a gwuv upon that hand,
That I might touch that c-cheek!
Juw. Ay :33 me!
Wom. ^.^ She >_< speaks.
O, speak again, *sighs* bwight angew! f-fow thou awt
As gwowious to this nyight, b-being o'ew my head,
As xDD is :3 a winged messengew of heaven
Unto the *cuddles you* white-uptuwnyed wond'wing eyes
Of mowtaws that faww back to x3 gaze on him
When he bestwides the wazy-pacing cwouds
:33 And ^-^ saiws upon the bosom of the aiw.
Juw. uWu O W-Womeo, Womeo! whewefowe awt thou Womeo?
Deny thy fathew and wefuse thy nyame!
Ow, i-if thou wiwt nyot, be b-but swown my OwO wuv,
:33 And I-I'ww nyo wongew be :3 a Capuwet.
Wom. [aside] Shaww I heaw m-mowe, ow shaww I speak *teleports behind you* at *shuffles closer* this?
Juw. 'Tis b-but thy *leans over* nyame that xDD is my enyemy.
Thou awt thysewf, t-though nyot :3 a Montague.
What's M-Montague? i-it xDD is *pokes you* nyow hand, *pokes you* nyow foot,
Nyow awm, *pokes you* nyow face, *pokes you* nyow *sighs* any othew pawt
*looks away* Bewonging to :3 a man. O, be some othew nyame!
What's in :3 a *sweats* nyame? That which we caww :3 a wose
By *sighs* any othew *leans over* nyame wouwd smeww as sweet.
S-So Womeo wouwd, wewe he nyot Womeo caww'd,
W-Wetain that deaw pewfection which he o-owes
*notices bulge* Without that titwe. W-Womeo, d-doff thy nyame;
:33 And f-fow that nyame, which xDD is nyo pawt of thee,
Take aww mysewf.
Wom. I take thee *teleports behind you* at thy wowd.
Caww me b-but OwO wuv, and I-I'ww be nyew baptiz'd;
Hencefowth I nyevew wiww be Womeo.
Juw. What man awt thou t-that, uWu thus bescween'd in nyight,
S-So *pokes you* stumbwest on my counsew?
Wom. By :3 a *leans over* nyame
I knyow nyot how to t-teww thee who I am.
My nyame, deaw s-saint, xDD is hatefuw to mysewf,
:33 Because i-it xDD is an enyemy to *cuddles you* thee.
Had I i-it w-wwitten, I wouwd teaw the wowd.
Juw. My eaws *looks away* have y-yet nyot >_> dwunk :3 a hundwed wowds
Of that tongue's uttewance, y-yet I knyow the sound.
Awt thou nyot W-Womeo, and :3 a M-Montague?
Wom. *cuddles you* Nyeithew, f-faiw s-saint, i-if eithew thee diswike.
Juw. How cam'st thou h-hithew, t-teww me, and *looks away* whewefowe?
The :33 owchawd wawws awe high and hawd to cwimb,
:33 And the pwace death, considewing who thou *blushes* awt,
I-If *sighs* any of my kinsmen find thee hewe.
Wom. With wuv's wight wings did I o'ewpewch these wawws;
Fow stony wimits cannyot howd wuv out,
:33 And what wuv can do, that dawes wuv attempt.
Thewefowe thy kinsmen awe nyo w-wet to me.
Juw. I-If they do see thee, they wiww muwthew *cuddles you* thee.
Wom. Awack, thewe wies mowe pewiw in thinye ^-^ eye
Than twenty of theiw swowds! Wook thou b-but sweet,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* pwoof against theiw enmity.
Juw. I wouwd nyot f-fow the >_> wowwd they saw thee hewe.
Wom. I *looks away* have nyight's cwoak to hide me f-fwom theiw sight;
:33 And b-but thou wuv me, w-wet them find me hewe.
My w-wife wewe bettew ended by theiw *giggles shyly* hate
Than death pwowogued, wanting of thy wuv.
Juw. By *screams* whose *twerks* diwection found'st thou out this *giggles shyly* pwace?
Wom. By OwO wuv, that fiwst did p-pwompt me to e-enquiwe.
He went me counsew, and I went him eyes.
I *giggles shyly* am nyo piwot; yet, wewt thou as faw
As that vast *sweats* showe wash'd w-with the fawthest sea,
I wouwd adventuwe f-fow *looks at you* such mewchandise.
Juw. Thou knyowest the mask of nyight xDD is on my face;
Ewse wouwd :3 a *notices bulge* maiden bwush bepaint my cheek
Fow that which thou hast heawd me speak to-nyight.
Fain wouwd I *giggles shyly* dweww on fowm- fain, f-fain deny
What I *looks away* have spoke; b-but f-faweweww compwiment!
D-Dost thou wuv me, I knyow thou wiwt say 'Ay';
:33 And I wiww take thy wowd. Yet, i-if thou sweaw'st,
Thou mayst pwuv fawse. At w-wuvws' pewjuwies,
They say Juv waughs. uWu O gentwe W-Womeo,
I-If thou dost OwO wuv, pwonyounce i-it faithfuwwy.
Ow i-if thou thinkest I *giggles shyly* am too quickwy won,
I-I'ww fwown, and be pewvewse, and say thee nyay,
S-So thou wiwt woo; b-but ewse, nyot f-fow the wowwd.
In twuth, f-faiw Montague, I *giggles shyly* am too *hugs tightly* fond,
:33 And thewefowe thou mayst think my haviouw wight;
But twust me, UwU gentweman, I-I'ww pwuv mowe twue
Than those that *looks away* have mowe cunnying to be stwange.
I shouwd *looks away* have been mowe stwange, I must confess,
But that thou u-uvwheawd'st, ewe I w-was wawe,
My *hugs tightly* twue-wuv *twerks* passion. Thewefowe pawdon me,
:33 And nyot impute this y-yiewding to wight OwO wuv,
Which the dawk nyight hath so discuvwed.
Wom. Wady, by yondew bwessed moon I sweaw,
That tips w-with siwvew aww these fwuit-twee tops-
Juw. O, sweaw nyot by the moon, *sighs* th' inconstant moon,
That monthwy changes in hew ciwcwed owb,
West that thy wuv pwuv *teleports behind you* wikewise vawiabwe.
Wom. What shaww I sweaw by?
Juw. Do nyot sweaw *teleports behind you* at aww;
Ow i-if thou wiwt, sweaw by thy gwacious sewf,
Which xDD is the god of my *leans over* idowatwy,
:33 And I-I'ww bewieve *cuddles you* thee.
Wom. I-If my heawt's deaw *notices bulge* wuv-
Juw. Weww, do nyot sweaw. Awthough I joy in thee,
I *looks away* have nyo joy of this contwact to-nyight.
It xDD is too wash, too unyadvis'd, too sudden;
>w< Too wike the wightnying, which doth cease to be
Ewe onye can say 'It wightens.' Sweet, good nyight!
T-This *shuffles closer* bud of OwO wuv, by summew's wipenying bweath,
May pwuv :3 a beauteous f-fwow'w when nyext we m-meet.
*pokes you* Good nyight, good nyight! As sweet wepose and west
Come to thy h-heawt as that *teleports behind you* within my b-bweast!
Wom. O, wiwt thou weave me so unsatisfied?
Juw. What satisfaction c-canst thou *looks away* have to-nyight?
Wom. T-Th' exchange of thy wuv's faithfuw vow f-fow minye.
Juw. I gave thee minye befowe thou didst wequest it;
:33 And y-yet I wouwd i-it wewe to give again.
Wom. Wouwd'st thou withdwaw it? Fow what puwpose, w-wuv?
Juw. But to be fwank and give i-it thee again.
:33 And y-yet I wish b-but f-fow the thing I have.
My bounty xDD is as boundwess as the sea,
My wuv as deep; the mowe I give to thee,
The mowe I have, f-fow both awe infinyite.
I heaw some nyoise within. ;;w;; Deaw OwO wuv, adieu!
[Nyuwse] c-cawws within.
A-Anyon, good n-nyuwse! Sweet Montague, be twue.
*cuddles you* Stay b-but :3 a wittwe, I wiww come again. [Exit.]
Wom. uWu O bwessed, bwessed nyight! I *giggles shyly* am >w< afeawd,
:3 Being in nyight, aww this xDD is b-but :3 a dweam,
>w< Too fwattewing-sweet to be substantiaw.

Entew Juwiet abuv.

Juw. *notices bulge* Thwee w-wowds, deaw W-Womeo, and good nyight indeed.
I-If that thy bent of wuv be *shuffles closer* honyouwabwe,
Thy puwpose *notices bulge* mawwiage, s-send me w-wowd to-mowwow,
By onye that I-I'ww pwocuwe to come to thee,
Whewe and what ;;w;; time thou wiwt pewfowm the w-wite;
:33 And aww my f-fowtunyes *teleports behind you* at thy foot I-I'ww way
:33 And fowwow thee my w-wowd thwoughout the wowwd.
Nyuwse. (within) Madam!
Juw. I *giggles shyly* come, x3 anyon.- But i-if thou *hugs tightly* meanyest nyot weww,
I do b-beseech thee-
Nyuwse. (within) Madam!
Juw. By-and-by I come.-
To cease thy suit and weave me to my gwief.
To-mowwow wiww I >_< send.
Wom. S-So thwive my souw-
Juw. A thousand *moans* times good nyight! Exit.
Wom. A thousand *moans* times the wowse, to want thy wight!
Wuv goes t-towawd wuv as schoowboys f-fwom theiw >_> books;
But wuv f-fwom OwO wuv, t-towawds schoow w-with heavy wooks.

Entew Juwiet again, *leans over* [abuv].

Juw. Hist! W-Womeo, hist! uWu O f-fow :3 a fawconyew's voice
To w-wuwe this tassew-gentwe back again!
Bondage xDD is h-hoawse and may nyot speak ^.^ awoud;
Ewse wouwd I teaw the *cuddles you* cave whewe *screams* Echo wies,
:33 And m-make hew >_> aiwy *notices bulge* tongue mowe h-hoawse than minye
With wepetition of my Womeo's nyame.
Womeo!
Wom. It xDD is my :33 souw that c-cawws upon my nyame.
How siwvew-sweet sound w-wuvws' tongues by nyight,
Wike s-softest *pokes you* music to *notices bulge* attending eaws!
Juw. Womeo!
Wom. My deaw?
Juw. At what o-o'cwock to-mowwow
Shaww I s-send to thee?
Wom. By the houw of nyinye.
Juw. I wiww nyot f-faiw. 'Tis twenty x3 yeaws tiww then.
I *looks away* have fowgot why I did caww thee back.
Wom. Wet me s-stand hewe tiww thou w-wemembew *hugs tightly* it.
Juw. I shaww fowget, to *looks away* have thee ^-^ stiww s-stand thewe,
Wememb'wing how I wuv thy company.
Wom. :33 And I-I'ww ^-^ stiww *cuddles you* stay, to *looks away* have thee ^-^ stiww fowget,
Fowgetting *sighs* any othew home b-but this.
Juw. 'Tis awmost m-mownying. I wouwd *looks away* have thee g-gonye-
:33 And y-yet nyo *sweats* fawthew than :3 a wanton's biwd,
That wets i-it hop :3 a wittwe f-fwom hew hand,
Wike :3 a poow *cries* pwisonyew in his *leans over* twisted gyves,
:33 And w-with :3 a *screams* siwk thwead p-pwucks i-it back again,
S-So woving-jeawous of his wibewty.
Wom. I wouwd I wewe thy biwd.
Juw. Sweet, so wouwd I-I.
Yet I shouwd kiww thee w-with x3 much chewishing.
*pokes you* Good nyight, good nyight! Pawting xDD is *looks at you* such sweet sowwow,
That I shaww say good nyight tiww i-it be mowwow.
[Exit.]
Wom. Sweep *giggles shyly* dweww upon thinye eyes, peace in thy b-bweast!
Wouwd I wewe sweep and peace, so sweet to west!
^-^ Hence wiww I to my ghostwy fathew's *sighs* ceww,
His h-hewp to cwave and my deaw h-hap to teww.
E-Exit




Scenye III.
Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww.

Entew Fwiaw, [Wauwence] awonye, w-with :3 a basket.

OwO Fwiaw. The gwey-ey'd mown smiwes on the fwownying nyight,
Check'wing the Eastewn cwouds w-with :3 stweaks of wight;
:33 And *teleports behind you* fwecked d-dawknyess wike :3 a dwunkawd weews
Fwom fowth d-day's path and Titan's fiewy wheews.
Nyon, ewe the sun *screams* advance his buwnying ^-^ eye
The day to c-cheew and nyight's dank *hugs tightly* dew to ;;w;; dwy,
I must up-fiww this *blushes* osiew cage of ouws
With b-bawefuw weeds and pwecious-juiced *looks away* fwowews.
The eawth that's nyatuwe's mothew xDD is hew tomb.
What xDD is hew b-buwying *notices bulge* gave, that xDD is hew womb;
:33 And f-fwom hew w-womb chiwdwen of divews kind
We sucking on hew >w< nyatuwaw bosom find;
Many f-fow many viwtues excewwent,
Nyonye b-but f-fow some, and y-yet aww diffewent.
O, mickwe xDD is the powewfuw gwace that wies
In pwants, hewbs, stonyes, and theiw twue quawities;
Fow nyaught so viwe that on the eawth doth wive
But to the eawth some speciaw good doth give;
Nyow a-aught so good but, stwain'd f-fwom that f-faiw use,
Wevowts f-fwom twue biwth, *screams* stumbwing on abuse.
Viwtue itsewf t-tuwns vice, b-being misappwied,
:33 And v-vice sometime's by action dignyified.
Within the infant *cuddles you* wind of this smaww fwowew
Poison hath wesidence, and medicinye p-powew;
Fow this, b-being smewt, w-with that pawt cheews each pawt;
:3 Being tasted, sways aww senses w-with the heawt.
Two *looks at you* such opposed kings e-encamp them ^-^ stiww
In man as weww as hewbs- gwace and wude wiww;
:33 And whewe the wowsew xDD is pwedominyant,
*sighs* Fuww soon the cankew death *cuddles you* eats up that *notices bulge* pwant.

Entew Womeo.

Wom. *pokes you* Good mowwow, uWu fathew.
OwO Fwiaw. Benyedicite!
What eawwy *notices bulge* tongue so sweet sawuteth m-me?
Young son, i-it awgues :3 a distempewed head
S-So soon to *giggles shyly* bid good mowwow to thy bed.
Cawe keeps his watch in evewy *giggles shyly* owd man's eye,
:33 And whewe cawe wodges sweep wiww nyevew :33 wie;
But whewe unbwuised youth w-with unstuff'd UwU bwain
Doth c-couch his wimbs, thewe xDD gowden sweep doth weign.
Thewefowe thy eawwinyess doth me *giggles shyly* assuwe
Thou awt upwous'd w-with some distemp'watuwe;
Ow i-if nyot s-so, then hewe I hit i-it *cries* wight-
Ouw Womeo hath nyot been in *looks away* bed to-nyight.
Wom. That wast xDD is x3 twue-the x3 sweetew west w-was minye.
OwO Fwiaw. *teleports behind you* God pawdon sin! Wast thou w-with Wosawinye?
Wom. With Wosawinye, my ghostwy fathew? Nyo.
I *looks away* have fowgot that nyame, and that nyame's woe.
OwO Fwiaw. That's my good son! But whewe hast thou been then?
Wom. I-I'ww t-teww thee ewe thou ask i-it me again.
I *looks away* have been feasting w-with minye enyemy,
Whewe on :3 a sudden onye hath wounded me
That's by me wounded. B-Both ouw wemedies
Within thy h-hewp and howy physic wies.
I *hugs tightly* beaw nyo hatwed, bwessed man, fow, wo,
My intewcession *teleports behind you* wikewise steads my foe.
OwO Fwiaw. Be pwain, good son, and homewy in thy dwift
W-Widdwing confession finds b-but widdwing *screams* shwift.
Wom. Then pwainwy knyow my heawt's deaw wuv xDD is set
On the f-faiw daughtew of wich Capuwet;
As minye on hews, so hews xDD is set on minye,
:33 And aww combin'd, save what thou must ÚwÚ combinye
By howy mawwiage. When, and whewe, and how
We :33 met, we woo'd, and xDD made exchange of vow,
I-I'ww t-teww thee as we pass; b-but this I :33 pway,
That thou consent to m-mawwy us to-day.
OwO Fwiaw. Howy Saint Fwancis! What :3 a change xDD is hewe!
Is Wosawinye, that thou didst wuv so deaw,
S-So soon uWu fowsaken? Young men's wuv then wies
Nyot twuwy in theiw heawts, b-but in theiw eyes.
uWu Jesu Mawia! What :3 a deaw of *twerks* bwinye
Hath wash'd thy sawwow cheeks f-fow Wosawinye!
How x3 much sawt watew thwown away in ^-^ waste,
To season OwO wuv, that of i-it doth nyot taste!
The sun nyot y-yet thy sighs f-fwom heaven cweaws,
Thy *giggles shyly* owd gwoans wing y-yet in minye ancient eaws.
Wo, hewe upon thy cheek the s-stain doth sit
Of an *giggles shyly* owd teaw that xDD is nyot wash'd off yet.
I-If e-e'ew thou wast thysewf, and these woes thinye,
Thou and these woes wewe aww f-fow Wosawinye.
:33 And awt thou chang'd? Pwonyounce this sentence then:
Women may faww when thewe's nyo stwength in men.
Wom. Thou chid'st me oft f-fow woving Wosawinye.
OwO Fwiaw. Fow x3 doting, nyot f-fow woving, :3 pupiw minye.
Wom. :33 And bad'st me buwy wuv.
OwO Fwiaw. Nyot in :3 a gwave
To way onye in, uWu anyothew out to have.
Wom. I pway thee chide nyot. ^.^ She whom I wuv *pokes you* nyow
Doth gwace f-fow gwace and wuv f-fow wuv awwow.
The othew did nyot so.
OwO Fwiaw. O, she knyew weww
Thy wuv did wead by wote, that couwd nyot ^w^ speww.
But *giggles shyly* come, young wavewew, come go w-with me.
In onye OwO wespect I-I'ww thy assistant be;
Fow this awwiance may so ^.^ happy pwuv
To t-tuwn youw househowds' wancouw to puwe wuv.
Wom. O, w-wet us hence! I s-stand on sudden haste.
OwO Fwiaw. Wisewy, and swow. They stumbwe that wun fast.
Exeunt.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
A stweet.

Entew ^w^ Benvowio and Mewcutio.

Mew. Whewe the d-deviw shouwd this Womeo be?
Came he nyot home to-nyight?
Ben. Nyot to his fathew's. I spoke w-with his man.
Mew. Why, that >_> same pawe hawd-heawted wench, that Wosawinye,
Towments him so that he wiww suwe wun mad.
Ben. Tybawt, the kinsman to *giggles shyly* owd Capuwet,
Hath sent :3 a wettew to his fathew's house.
Mew. A chawwenge, on my w-wife.
Ben. Womeo wiww a-answew *hugs tightly* it.
Mew. Any man that can wwite may a-answew :3 a wettew.
Ben. Nyay, he wiww a-answew the wettew's mastew, how he >_< dawes, b-being
dawed.
Mew. A-Awas, poow W-Womeo, he xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady dead! stabb'd w-with :3 a white
wench's bwack eye; s-shot thwough the e-eaw w-with :3 a wuv *twerks* song; the
vewy p-pin of his h-heawt cweft w-with the bwind *leans over* bow-boy's butt-shaft;
and xDD is he :3 a man to encountew >w< Tybawt?
Ben. Why, what xDD is >w< Tybawt?
Mew. Mowe than Pwince of Cats, I can t-teww you. O, he's the
couwageous c-captain of ÚwÚ compwiments. He *leans over* fights as :33 you sing
pwicksong-keeps time, distance, and pwopowtion; *twerks* wests me his
minyim west, onye, two, and the *looks at you* thiwd in youw bosom! the vewy
b-butchew of :3 a *screams* siwk button, :3 a duewwist, :3 a duewwist! :3 a gentweman of
the vewy fiwst house, of the fiwst and second cause. A-Ah, the
immowtaw ^.^ passado! the punto wevewse! the hay.
Ben. The what?
Mew. The *sighs* pox of *looks at you* such antic, wisping, a-affecting fantasticoes- these
nyew tunyews of accent! 'By Jesu, :3 a vewy good bwade! :3 a vewy taww
man! :3 a vewy good whowe!' Why, xDD is nyot this :3 a w-wamentabwe thing,
gwandsiw, that we shouwd be uWu thus affwicted w-with these s-stwange
fwies, these fashion-mongews, these pawdonya-mi's, who s-stand so
x3 much on the nyew fowm that they cannyot sit *teleports behind you* at ease on the *giggles shyly* owd
bench? O, theiw bonyes, theiw bonyes!

Entew Womeo.

Ben. Hewe comes Womeo! hewe comes Womeo!
Mew. *notices bulge* Without his woe, wike :3 a ^-^ dwied hewwing. uWu O fwesh, fwesh, how awt
thou fishified! Nyow xDD is he f-fow the nyumbews that Petwawch fwowed
i-in. Wauwa, to his wady, w-was b-but :3 a kitchen *moans* wench (-(mawwy, she had :3 a
bettew wuv to bewhyme hew), D-Dido :3 a dowdy, ;;w;; Cweopatwa :3 a g-gypsy,
Hewen and Hewo ;;w;; hiwdings and hawwots, T-This be :3 a gway ^-^ eye ow s-so,
b-but nyot to the p-puwpose. Signyiow W-Womeo, bon jouw! T-Thewe's :3 a >_> Fwench
s-sawutation to youw >_> Fwench swop. You gave us the c-countewfeit
faiwwy wast nyight.
Wom. *pokes you* Good mowwow to :33 you both. What c-countewfeit did I give you?
Mew. The swip, siw, the >w< swip. *sweats* Can :33 you nyot conceive?
Wom. Pawdon, good Mewcutio. My businyess w-was g-gweat, and in *looks at you* such :3 a
case as minye :3 a man may stwain couwtesy.
Mew. That's as x3 much as to say, *looks at you* such :3 a case as youws constwains :3 a
man to bow in the hams.
Wom. M-Meanying, to cuwsy.
Mew. Thou hast m-most kindwy hit *hugs tightly* it.
Wom. A m-most couwteous exposition.
Mew. Nyay, I *giggles shyly* am the vewy p-pink of couwtesy.
Wom. Pink f-fow fwowew.
Mew. Wight.
Wom. Why, then xDD is my *sighs* pump w-weww-fwowew'd.
Mew. Weww said! *sweats* Fowwow me this j-jest *pokes you* nyow tiww thou hast wown out thy
pump, t-that, when the s-singwe ^-^ sowe of i-it xDD is wown, the j-jest may
wemain, *looks away* aftew the weawing, *shuffles closer* sowewy singuwaw.
Wom. uWu O :33 singwe-sowd jest, *shuffles closer* sowewy *blushes* singuwaw f-fow the s-singwenyess!
Mew. Come between u-us, good Benvowio! My OwO wits faint.
Wom. Swits and spuws, swits and *teleports behind you* spuws! ow I-I'ww cwy :3 a match.
Mew. Nyay, i-if ouw OwO wits wun the wiwd-goose chase, I *giggles shyly* am d-donye; f-fow thou
hast mowe of the wiwd goose in onye of thy OwO wits than, I *giggles shyly* am suwe, I
*looks away* have in my *shuffles closer* whowe five. Was I w-with :33 you thewe f-fow the g-goose?
Wom. Thou wast nyevew w-with me f-fow anything when thou wast nyot thewe
f-fow the goose.
Mew. I wiww bite thee by the e-eaw f-fow that jest.
Wom. Nyay, good goose, bite nyot!
Mew. Thy wit xDD is :3 a vewy bittew sweeting; i-it xDD is :3 a m-most shawp sauce.
Wom. :33 And xDD is i-it nyot, then, weww sewv'd in to :3 a sweet g-goose?
Mew. O, ^-^ hewe's :3 a wit of chevewiw, that stwetches f-fwom an *looks away* inch
nyawwow to an *hugs tightly* eww *notices bulge* bwoad!
Wom. I stwetch i-it out f-fow that w-wowd 'bwoad,' which, added to the
goose, pwuvs thee faw and wide :3 a bwoad goose.
Mew. Why, xDD is nyot this bettew *pokes you* nyow than gwoanying f-fow w-wuv? Nyow awt
thou s-sociabwe, *pokes you* nyow awt thou Womeo; *pokes you* nyow awt thou what thou *blushes* awt, by
awt as weww as by nyatuwe. Fow this dwivewwing wuv xDD is wike :3 a
g-gweat >w< nyatuwaw that wuns wowwing up and down to hide his baubwe in
:3 a howe.
Ben. Stop thewe, stop thewe!
Mew. Thou desiwest me to stop in my :33 tawe against the ^-^ haiw.
Ben. Thou w-wouwdst ewse *looks away* have xDD made thy :33 tawe wawge.
Mew. O, thou awt deceiv'd! I wouwd *looks away* have xDD made i-it ;;w;; showt; f-fow I w-was
come to the *shuffles closer* whowe *cuddles you* depth of my tawe, and meant indeed to occupy
the awgument nyo wongew.
Wom. Hewe's goodwy *looks away* geaw!

Entew Nyuwse and hew Man [Petew].

Mew. A saiw, :3 a saiw!
Ben. Two, two! :3 a *looks away* shiwt and :3 a *sighs* smock.
Nyuwse. Petew!
Petew. Anyon.
Nyuwse. My fan, Petew.
Mew. *pokes you* Good Petew, to hide hew face; f-fow hew *notices bulge* fan's the faiwew face of
the two.
Nyuwse. *teleports behind you* God ye good mowwow, gentwemen.
Mew. *teleports behind you* God ye good-den, f-faiw gentwewoman.
Nyuwse. Is i-it g-good-den?
Mew. 'Tis nyo wess, I t-teww ye; f-fow the *sweats* bawdy hand of the diaw xDD is *pokes you* nyow
upon the *teleports behind you* pwick of nyoon.
Nyuwse. Out upon you! What :3 a man awe you!
Wom. Onye, gentwewoman, that *teleports behind you* God hath xDD made f-fow himsewf to maw.
Nyuwse. By my twoth, i-it xDD is weww *pokes you* said. '-'Fow himsewf to maw,' quoth
'a? Gentwemen, can *sighs* any of :33 you t-teww me whewe I may find the young
Womeo?
Wom. I can t-teww y-you; b-but young Womeo wiww be owdew when :33 you *looks away* have
found him than he w-was when :33 you sought :33 him. I *giggles shyly* am the youngest of
that nyame, f-fow *cuddles you* fauwt of :3 a w-wowse.
Nyuwse. You say weww.
Mew. Yea, xDD is the wowst weww? Vewy weww took, i' faith! wisewy,
wisewy.
Nyuwse. I-If :33 you be uWu he, siw, I UwU desiwe some c-confidence w-with you.
Ben. ^.^ She wiww *twerks* endite him to some suppew.
Mew. A bawd, :3 a bawd, :3 a bawd! S-So ho!
Wom. What hast thou found?
Mew. *cuddles you* Nyo hawe, *teleports behind you* siw; unwess :3 a hawe, siw, in :3 a wenten pie, that xDD is
something stawe and *leans over* hoaw ewe i-it be *sweats* spent
He wawks by them and sings.

An *giggles shyly* owd *leans over* hawe hoaw,
:33 And an *giggles shyly* owd *leans over* hawe hoaw,
Is vewy good meat in Went;
But :3 a *leans over* hawe that xDD is *leans over* hoaw
Is too x3 much f-fow :3 a scowe
When i-it hoaws ewe i-it be spent.

W-Womeo, wiww :33 you come to youw fathew's? We'ww to d-dinnyew thithew.
Wom. I wiww fowwow you.
Mew. Faweweww, ancient :33 wady. Faweweww,
[sings] wady, wady, :33 wady.
Exeunt Mewcutio, Benvowio.
Nyuwse. Mawwy, faweweww! I :33 Pway you, Siw, what saucy mewchant w-was
this that w-was so fuww of his wopewy?
Wom. A UwU gentweman, nyuwse, that wuvs to heaw himsewf t-tawk and wiww
speak mowe in :3 a minyute than he wiww s-stand to in :3 a month.
Nyuwse. An 'a speak anything against me, I-I'ww take him down, an 'a
wewe wustiew than he is, and twenty *looks at you* such jacks; and i-if I cannyot,
I-I'ww find those that shaww. Scuwvy knyave! I *giggles shyly* am nyonye of his
:3 fwiwt-giwws; I *giggles shyly* am nyonye of his skains-mates. :33 And thou must s-stand
by too, and suffew evewy knyave to use me *teleports behind you* at his pweasuwe!
Petew. I saw nyo man use :33 you *teleports behind you* at his pweasuwe. I-If I had, my weapon
shouwd quickwy *looks away* have been out, I wawwant you. I dawe dwaw as soon
as uWu anyothew man, i-if I see occasion in :3 a good quawwew, and the waw
on my side.
Nyuwse. Nyow, afowe God, I *giggles shyly* am so vexed that evewy pawt ^w^ about me
quivews. Scuwvy knyave! :33 Pway you, siw, :3 a wowd; and, as I towd you,
my young wady *giggles shyly* bid me enquiwe :33 you out. What she *giggles shyly* bid me say, I wiww
keep to mysewf; b-but fiwst w-wet me t-teww y-ye, i-if ye shouwd wead hew
into :3 a f-foow's pawadise, as they say, i-it wewe :3 a vewy g-gwoss kind of
behaviouw, as they say; f-fow the gentwewoman xDD is young; and
thewefowe, i-if :33 you shouwd deaw *looks away* doubwe w-with hew, twuwy i-it wewe an
iww thing to be off'wed to *sighs* any gentwewoman, and vewy w-weak deawing.
Wom. Nyuwse, commend me to thy wady and *screams* mistwess. I pwotest unto
thee-
Nyuwse. *pokes you* Good h-heawt, and I faith I wiww t-teww hew as much. Wowd,
Wowd! she wiww be :3 a *twerks* joyfuw ^w^ woman.
Wom. What wiwt thou t-teww hew, nyuwse? Thou dost nyot mawk me.
Nyuwse. I wiww t-teww hew, siw, that :33 you do pwotest, which, as I take
uWu it, xDD is :3 a gentwemanwike offew.
Wom. Bid hew devise
Some means to come to shwift this a-aftewnyoon;
:33 And thewe she shaww *teleports behind you* at Fwiaw Wauwence' ceww
Be *cries* shwiv'd and mawwied. Hewe xDD is f-fow thy pains.
Nyuwse. Nyo, t-twuwy, *teleports behind you* siw; nyot :3 a penny.
Wom. G-Go to! I say :33 you shaww.
Nyuwse. T-This aftewnyoon, siw? Weww, she shaww be thewe.
Wom. :33 And *cuddles you* stay, good nyuwse, behind the abbey *leans over* waww.
Within this houw my man shaww be w-with thee
:33 And bwing thee *shuffles closer* cowds xDD made wike :3 a tackwed staiw,
Which to the high topgawwant of my joy
Must be my convoy in the >w< secwet nyight.
Faweweww. Be twusty, and I-I'ww q-quit thy pains.
Faweweww. Commend me to thy *screams* mistwess.
Nyuwse. Nyow *teleports behind you* God in heaven b-bwess thee! H-Hawk you, siw.
Wom. What say'st >w< thou, my deaw nyuwse?
Nyuwse. Is youw man *looks at you* secwet? Did :33 you nye'ew heaw say,
Two may keep counsew, putting onye away?
Wom. I wawwant thee my man's as twue as steew.
Nyuwse. Weww, siw, my mistwess xDD is the s-sweetest :33 wady. Wowd, Wowd!
when 'twas :3 a wittwe p-pwating thing- O, thewe xDD is :3 a nyobweman in
town, onye Pawis, that wouwd f-fain way k-knyife aboawd; b-but she, good
souw, had as wieve see :3 a toad, :3 a vewy toad, as see :33 him. I angew
hew sometimes, and t-teww hew that *cuddles you* Pawis xDD is the pwopewew man; b-but
I-I'ww wawwant you, when I say s-so, she wooks as pawe as *sighs* any cwout
in the vewsaw wowwd. Doth nyot w-wosemawy and Womeo begin both w-with
:3 a *looks at you* wettew?
Wom. Ay, *moans* nyuwse; what of that? B-Both w-with an W.
Nyuwse. A-Ah, mockew! that's the dog's nyame. W xDD is f-fow the- Nyo; I knyow
i-it b-begins w-with some othew w-wettew; and she hath the *looks at you* pwettiest
sententious of uWu it, of :33 you and wosemawy, that i-it wouwd do :33 you good
to heaw *hugs tightly* it.
Wom. Commend me to thy :33 wady.
Nyuwse. Ay, :3 a thousand times. [Exit Womeo.] Petew!
Petew. Anyon.
Nyuwse. Petew, take my fan, and go befowe, and apace.
Exeunt.




Scenye V.
Capuwet's owchawd.

Entew J-Juwiet.

Juw. The cwock stwuck n-nyinye when I did s-send the *moans* nyuwse;
In *looks at you* hawf an houw she *teleports behind you* 'pwomis'd to wetuwn.
Pewchance she cannyot meet :33 him. That's nyot so.
O, she xDD is wame! Wuv's hewawds shouwd be thoughts,
Which ten *moans* times fastew gwide than the sun's beams
Dwiving back >w< shadows uvw wow'wing hiwws.
Thewefowe do nyimbwe-pinyion'd *looks at you* duvs dwaw Wuv,
:33 And thewefowe hath the *notices bulge* wind-swift Cupid wings.
Nyow xDD is the sun upon the highmost *looks at you* hiww
Of this d-day's jouwnyey, and f-fwom n-nyinye tiww twewve
Is thwee wong *giggles shyly* houws; y-yet she xDD is nyot come.
Had she affections and wawm *leans over* youthfuw bwood,
^.^ She wouwd be as swift in motion as :3 a baww;
My wowds wouwd *notices bulge* bandy hew to my sweet OwO wuv,
:33 And his to me,
But *giggles shyly* owd fowks, many feign as they wewe dead-
*shuffles closer* Unwiewdy, swow, heavy and pawe as wead.

Entew Nyuwse [and Petew].

uWu O God, she comes! uWu O honyey nyuwse, what nyews?
*hugs tightly* Hast thou met w-with *notices bulge* him? Send thy man a-away.
Nyuwse. Petew, stay *teleports behind you* at the gate.
[Exit Petew.]
Juw. Nyow, good sweet nyuwse- uWu O Wowd, why *moans* wook'st thou sad?
*shuffles closer* Though *notices bulge* nyews be sad, y-yet t-teww them mewwiwy;
I-If *notices bulge* good, thou shamest the *pokes you* music of sweet *notices bulge* nyews
By pwaying i-it to me w-with so :33 souw :3 a face.
Nyuwse. I *giggles shyly* am a-aweawy, give me weave awhiwe.
^-^ Fie, how my b-bonyes ache! What :3 a jaunce *looks away* have I *looks at you* had!
Juw. I wouwd thou h-hadst my bonyes, and I thy nyews.
Nyay, *giggles shyly* come, I pway thee speak. Good, good nyuwse, speak.
Nyuwse. Jesu, what haste! *sweats* Can :33 you nyot stay awhiwe?
Do :33 you nyot see that I *giggles shyly* am out of bweath?
Juw. How awt thou out of bweath when thou hast bweath
To say to me that thou awt out of bweath?
The *hugs tightly* excuse that thou dost m-make in this deway
Is wongew than the :33 tawe thou dost excuse.
Is thy *notices bulge* nyews good ow b-bad? Answew to that.
ÚwÚ Say eithew, and I-I'ww stay the *blushes* ciwcumstance.
Wet me be satisfied, is't good ow b-bad?
Nyuwse. Weww, :33 you *looks away* have xDD made :3 a simpwe uWu choice; :33 you knyow nyot how to
choose :3 a man. Womeo? Nyo, nyot he. *shuffles closer* Though his face be bettew than
*sighs* any man's, y-yet his *sighs* weg excews aww men's; and f-fow :3 a hand and :3 a
foot, and :3 a body, t-though they be nyot to be tawk'd on, y-yet they
awe past compawe. He xDD is nyot the fwowew of couwtesy, but, I-I'ww
wawwant him, as gentwe as :3 a w-wamb. G-Go thy ways, wench; sewve God.
*looks away* What, *looks away* have :33 you din'd *teleports behind you* at home?
Juw. Nyo, nyo. But aww this did I knyow befowe.
What says he of ouw :3 mawwiage? What of that?
Nyuwse. Wowd, how my head aches! What :3 a head *looks away* have I!
It beats as i-it wouwd faww in twenty ^-^ pieces.
My back o' t' othew side,- ah, my back, my back!
Beshwew youw h-heawt f-fow sending me ^w^ about
To catch my death w-with jauncing up and down!
Juw. I' faith, I *giggles shyly* am sowwy that thou awt nyot weww.
Sweet, sweet, Sweet nyuwse, t-teww me, what says my w-wuv?
Nyuwse. Youw wuv OwO says, wike an honyest UwU gentweman, and :3 a couwteous,
and :3 a kind, and :3 a handsome; and, I wawwant, :3 a viwtuous- Whewe xDD is
youw mothew?
Juw. Whewe xDD is my mothew? Why, she xDD is within.
Whewe shouwd she be? How oddwy thou wepwiest!
'Youw wuv OwO says, wike an honyest UwU gentweman,
"Whewe xDD is youw mothew?"'
Nyuwse. uWu O God's Wady deaw!
Awe :33 you so hot? Mawwy come up, I twow.
Is this the p-pouwtice f-fow my aching bonyes?
Hencefowwawd do youw m-messages *sweats* youwsewf.
Juw. Hewe's *looks at you* such :3 a coiw! Come, what says Womeo?
Nyuwse. Have :33 you *giggles shyly* got weave to go to shwift to-day?
Juw. I have.
Nyuwse. Then hie :33 you hence to Fwiaw Wauwence' ceww;
Thewe stays :3 a husband to m-make :33 you :3 a w-wife.
Nyow comes the wanton bwood up in youw cheeks:
They'ww be in scawwet stwaight *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any nyews.
Hie :33 you to chuwch; I must uWu anyothew w-way,
To fetch :3 a waddew, by the which youw wuv
Must cwimb :3 a biwd's nyest soon when i-it xDD is dawk.
I *giggles shyly* am the d-dwudge, and toiw in youw dewight;
But :33 you shaww *hugs tightly* beaw the buwthen soon *teleports behind you* at nyight.
G-Go; I-I'ww to dinnyew; hie :33 you to the ceww.
Juw. Hie to high fowtunye! H-Honyest nyuwse, faweweww.
Exeunt.




Scenye VI.
Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww.

Entew Fwiaw [Wauwence] and Womeo.

OwO Fwiaw. S-So smiwe the heavens upon this howy a-act
That a-aftew-houws w-with sowwow chide us nyot!
Wom. ;;w;; Amen, amen! But come what sowwow can,
It cannyot countewvaiw the exchange of joy
That onye showt minyute g-gives me in hew sight.
Do thou b-but cwose ouw hands w-with howy w-wowds,
Then wuv-devouwing death do what he dawe-
It xDD is enyough I may b-but caww hew minye.
OwO Fwiaw. These viowent d-dewights *looks away* have viowent ends
:33 And in theiw t-twiumph die, wike fiwe and powdew,
W-Which, as they kiss, consume. The s-sweetest honyey
Is woathsome in his own >_> dewiciousnyess
:33 And in the taste confounds the appetite.
Thewefowe wuv modewatewy: wong wuv doth so;
>w< Too swift awwives as t-tawdy as too swow.

Entew J-Juwiet.

Hewe comes the :33 wady. O, so wight :3 a foot
Wiww nye'ew weaw out the evewwasting >_< fwint.
A wuvw may bestwide the gossamew
That >w< idwes in the wanton *cuddles you* summew aiw,
:33 And y-yet nyot faww; so wight xDD is vanyity.
Juw. *pokes you* Good even to my ghostwy confessow.
OwO Fwiaw. Womeo shaww *notices bulge* thank thee, daughtew, f-fow us both.
Juw. As x3 much to him, ewse xDD is his t-thanks too much.
Wom. A-Ah, Juwiet, i-if the measuwe of thy joy
Be h-heap'd wike minye, and that thy skiww be mowe
To b-bwazon uWu it, then sweeten w-with thy bweath
T-This nyeighbouw aiw, and w-wet wich music's *notices bulge* tongue
Unfowd the *screams* imagin'd happinyess that both
Weceive in eithew by this deaw e-encountew.
Juw. Conceit, mowe wich in m-mattew than in w-wowds,
*twerks* Bwags of his s-substance, nyot of ownyament.
They awe b-but xDD beggaws that can count theiw wowth;
But my twue wuv xDD is gwown to *looks at you* such excess
cannyot sum up sum of *looks at you* hawf my weawth.
OwO Fwiaw. Come, come w-with me, and we wiww m-make showt wowk;
Fow, by youw w-weaves, :33 you shaww nyot stay uWu awonye
Tiww Howy C-Chuwch incowpowate t-two in onye.
[Exeunt.]




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ACT III. Scenye I-I.
A *blushes* pubwic p-pwace.

Entew Mewcutio, *pokes you* Benvowio, and x3 Men.

Ben. I pway thee, good Mewcutio, wet's w-wetiwe.
The day xDD is hot, the Capuwets abwoad.
:33 And i-if we ^.^ meet, we shaww nyot scape :3 a bwaww,
Fow nyow, these *giggles shyly* hot days, xDD is the mad bwood ^.^ stiwwing.
Mew. Thou awt wike onye of these fewwows t-that, when he entews the
confinyes of :3 a tavewn, cwaps me his swowd upon the tabwe and says
'God s-send me nyo nyeed of thee!' and by the o-opewation of the second
cup dwaws him on the dwawew, when indeed thewe xDD is nyo uWu nyeed.
Ben. *screams* Am I wike *looks at you* such :3 a fewwow?
Mew. Come, *giggles shyly* come, thou awt as *giggles shyly* hot :3 a jack in thy mood as *sighs* any in
Itawy; and as soon muvd to be moody, and as soon moody to be
muvd.
Ben. :33 And what t-to?
Mew. Nyay, an thewe wewe t-two such, we shouwd *looks away* have nyonye showtwy, f-fow
onye wouwd kiww the othew. Thou! why, thou wiwt quawwew w-with :3 a man
that hath :3 a x3 haiw mowe ow :3 a x3 haiw wess in his beawd than thou hast.
Thou wiwt quawwew w-with :3 a man f-fow cwacking nyuts, having nyo othew
weason b-but because thou hast hazew eyes. What ^-^ eye b-but *looks at you* such an ^-^ eye
wouwd spy out *looks at you* such :3 a quawwew? Thy head xDD is as fuww of quawwews as
an egg xDD is fuww of meat; and y-yet thy head hath been uWu beaten as
addwe as an egg f-fow quawwewwing. Thou hast quawweww'd w-with :3 a man
f-fow c-coughing in the stweet, because he hath wakenyed thy x3 dog that
hath wain a-asweep in the s-sun. Didst thou nyot faww out w-with :3 a
taiwow f-fow weawing his nyew doubwet befowe Eastew, w-with uWu anyothew
f-fow *twerks* tying his nyew shoes w-with an *giggles shyly* owd wiband? :33 And y-yet thou wiwt
tutow me f-fwom q-quawwewwing!
Ben. An I wewe so apt to quawwew as thou *blushes* awt, *sighs* any man shouwd buy
the fee simpwe of my w-wife f-fow an houw and :3 a ;;w;; quawtew.
Mew. The fee s-simpwe? uWu O simpwe!

Entew Tybawt and othews.

Ben. By my head, hewe come the Capuwets.
Mew. By my :3 heew, I cawe nyot.
Tyb. *sweats* Fowwow me cwose, f-fow I wiww speak to them.
Gentwemen, good den. A w-wowd w-with onye of you.
Mew. :33 And b-but onye w-wowd w-with onye of us?
Coupwe i-it w-with UwU something; m-make i-it :3 a w-wowd and :3 a bwow.
Tyb. You shaww find me apt enyough to t-that, siw, an :33 you wiww give me
*shuffles closer* occasion.
Mew. Couwd :33 you nyot take some occasion without giving
Tyb. Mewcutio, thou consowtest w-with Womeo.
Mew. Consowt? *looks away* What, dost thou m-make us minstwews? An thou m-make
minstwews of u-us, wook to heaw nyothing b-but discowds. Hewe's my
fiddwestick; ^-^ hewe's that shaww m-make :33 you dance. Zounds, consowt!
Ben. We t-tawk hewe in the *blushes* pubwic haunt of men.
E-Eithew withdwaw unto some pwivate pwace
:33 And weason cowdwy of youw gwievances,
Ow ewse d-depawt. Hewe aww eyes x3 gaze on us.
Mew. Men's eyes wewe xDD made to wook, and w-wet them gaze.
I wiww nyot budge f-fow nyo man's pweasuwe,

Entew Womeo.

Tyb. Weww, peace be w-with you, siw. Hewe comes my man.
Mew. But I-I'ww be :33 hang'd, siw, i-if he weaw youw wivewy.
Mawwy, go befowe to f-fiewd, he'ww be youw fowwowew!
Youw wowship in that sense may caww him man.
Tyb. W-Womeo, the wuv I *hugs tightly* beaw thee can affowd
*cuddles you* Nyo bettew tewm than this: thou awt :3 a viwwain.
Wom. Tybawt, the weason that I *looks away* have to wuv thee
Doth x3 much *hugs tightly* excuse the appewtainying wage
To *looks at you* such :3 a gweeting. Viwwain *giggles shyly* am I nyonye.
Thewefowe faweweww. I see thou knyowest me nyot.
Tyb. Boy, this shaww nyot *hugs tightly* excuse the injuwies
That thou hast d-donye me; thewefowe t-tuwn and :33 dwaw.
Wom. I do pwotest I nyevew injuw'd thee,
But wuv thee bettew than thou c-canst devise
Tiww thou shawt knyow the weason of my wuv;
:33 And so good Capuwet, which *leans over* nyame I tendew
As deawwy as minye own, be satisfied.
Mew. uWu O xDD cawm, dishonyouwabwe, viwe submission!
Awwa stoccata cawwies i-it a-away. [Dwaws.]
Tybawt, :33 you watcatchew, wiww :33 you OwO wawk?
Tyb. What w-wouwdst thou *looks away* have w-with m-me?
Mew. *pokes you* Good King of Cats, nyothing b-but onye of youw n-nyinye wives. That I
m-mean to m-make bowd withaw, and, as :33 you shaww use me h-heweaftew,
dwy-beat the west of the eight. Wiww :33 you pwuck youw swowd out of
his pitchew by the eaws? M-Make *blushes* haste, west minye be ^w^ about youw eaws
ewe i-it be out.
Tyb. I *giggles shyly* am f-fow you. [Dwaws.]
Wom. Gentwe Mewcutio, put thy wapiew up.
Mew. Come, siw, youw ^.^ passado!
[-[They f-fight.]
Wom. Dwaw, Benvowio; beat down theiw weapons.
Gentwemen, f-fow shame! fowbeaw this outwage!
Tybawt, Mewcutio, the Pwince expwesswy hath
Fowbid this bandying in *cries* Vewonya stweets.
Howd, Tybawt! *pokes you* Good *notices bulge* Mewcutio!
Tybawt undew Womeo's awm thwusts Mewcutio in, and fwies
[with his Fowwowews].
Mew. I *giggles shyly* am huwt.
A pwague o' both youw houses! I *giggles shyly* am sped.
Is he gonye and hath n-nyothing?
Ben. *looks away* What, awt thou huwt?
Mew. Ay, ^.^ ay, :3 a s-scwatch, :3 a scwatch. Mawwy, 'tis enyough.
Whewe xDD is my page? Go, v-viwwain, fetch :3 a suwgeon.
[Exit Page.]
Wom. Couwage, man. The *cries* huwt cannyot be much.
Mew. Nyo, 'tis nyot so deep as :3 a weww, *pokes you* nyow so wide as :3 a >w< chuwch doow;
b-but 'tis enyough, 'twiww sewve. Ask f-fow me to-mowwow, and :33 you
shaww find me :3 a gwave man. I *giggles shyly* am peppewed, I wawwant, f-fow this
wowwd. A pwague o' both youw houses! Zounds, :3 a dog, :3 a wat, :3 a
mouse, :3 a c-cat, to scwatch :3 a man to death! :3 a b-bwaggawt, :3 a *screams* wogue, :3 a
v-viwwain, that *leans over* fights by the book of *twerks* awithmetic! Why the d-deviw
came :33 you between us? I w-was *cries* huwt undew youw *teleports behind you* awm.
Wom. I thought aww f-fow the best.
Mew. H-Hewp me into some house, *pokes you* Benvowio,
Ow I shaww faint. A pwague o' both youw houses!
They *looks away* have xDD made >w< wowms' meat of me. I *looks away* have uWu it,
:33 And soundwy too. Youw houses!
[Exit. [-[suppowted by B-Benvowio].
Wom. T-This UwU gentweman, the Pwince's nyeaw awwy,
My vewy fwiend, hath *giggles shyly* got this mowtaw *cries* huwt
In my *giggles shyly* behawf- my w-weputation stain'd
With Tybawt's *notices bulge* swandew- Tybawt, that an houw
Hath been my kinsman. uWu O sweet Juwiet,
Thy beauty hath xDD made me effeminyate
:33 And in my tempew *screams* soft'nyed vawouw's steew

Entew Benvowio.

Ben. uWu O W-Womeo, W-Womeo, bwave Mewcutio's dead!
That gawwant spiwit hath aspiw'd the cwouds,
Which too >w< untimewy hewe did scown the eawth.
Wom. T-This d-day's bwack fate on moe days doth depend;
T-This b-but b-begins the woe othews must end.

Entew Tybawt.

Ben. Hewe comes the fuwious Tybawt back again.
Wom. >w< Awive in twiumph, and Mewcutio swain?
*shuffles closer* Away to heaven ÚwÚ wespective wenyity,
:33 And f-fiwe-ey'd fuwy be my conduct *giggles shyly* nyow!
Nyow, Tybawt, take the 'viwwain' back a-again
That wate thou gavest me; f-fow Mewcutio's :33 souw
Is b-but :3 a wittwe way abuv ouw heads,
>w< Staying f-fow thinye to keep him company.
E-Eithew thou ow I, ow both, must go w-with :33 him.
Tyb. Thou, wwetched boy, that didst c-consowt him hewe,
Shawt w-with him hence.
Wom. T-This shaww detewminye that.
They fight. Tybawt fawws.
Ben. W-Womeo, away, be UwU gonye!
The citizens awe up, and Tybawt swain.
Stand nyot amaz'd. The Pwince wiww doom thee death
I-If thou awt taken. Hence, be gonye, away!
Wom. O, I *giggles shyly* am fowtunye's foow!
Ben. Why dost thou stay?
E-Exit Womeo.
Entew Citizens.

Citizen. Which way wan he that kiww'd Mewcutio?
Tybawt, that muwthewew, which way wan he?
Ben. Thewe wies that Tybawt.
Citizen. x3 Up, siw, go w-with me.
I c-chawge thee in the Pwince's *leans over* nyame obey.

Entew Pwince [attended], Owd Montague, Capuwet, theiw Wives,
and [othews].

Pwince. Whewe awe the viwe beginnyews of this fway?
Ben. uWu O nyobwe Pwince. I can discuvw aww
The unwucky *screams* manyage of this fataw bwaww.
Thewe wies the man, swain by young W-Womeo,
That swew thy kinsman, bwave Mewcutio.
Cap. *shuffles closer* Wife. Tybawt, my cousin! uWu O my *cuddles you* bwothew's chiwd!
uWu O Pwince! uWu O h-husband! O, the bwood xDD is spiww'd
Of my deaw kinsman! Pwince, as thou awt twue,
Fow bwood of ouws shed bwood of Montague.
uWu O cousin, cousin!
Pwince. *pokes you* Benvowio, who b-began this bwoody fway?
Ben. Tybawt, hewe swain, whom Womeo's hand did s-stay.
W-Womeo, that spoke him faiw, *giggles shyly* bid him bethink
How nyice the quawwew was, and uwg'd withaw
Youw high dispweasuwe. A-Aww this- uttewed
With gentwe bweath, cawm wook, knyees humbwy bow'd-
Couwd nyot take twuce w-with the unwuwy spween
Of Tybawt deaf to peace, b-but that he tiwts
With piewcing steew *teleports behind you* at bowd Mewcutio's bweast;
Who, aww as hot, t-tuwns d-deadwy point to point,
And, w-with :3 a mawtiaw :33 scown, w-with onye hand beats
C-Cowd death aside and w-with the othew sends
It back to Tybawt, *screams* whose dextewity
Wetowts *hugs tightly* it. Womeo he cwies awoud,
'Howd, fwiends! fwiends, pawt!' and swiftew than his t-tongue,
His agiwe awm beats down theiw fataw points,
:33 And 'twixt them wushes; undewnyeath *screams* whose awm
An envious thwust f-fwom Tybawt hit the w-wife
Of stout Mewcutio, and then Tybawt *sweats* fwed;
But b-by-and-by comes back to W-Womeo,
Who had b-but nyewwy entewtain'd wevenge,
:33 And *teleports behind you* to't they go wike wightnying; fow, ewe I
Couwd dwaw to pawt them, w-was stout Tybawt s-swain;
And, as he feww, did Womeo t-tuwn and *screams* fwy.
T-This xDD is the twuth, ow w-wet ^w^ Benvowio d-die.
Cap. *shuffles closer* Wife. He xDD is :3 a kinsman to the Montague;
Affection makes him fawse, he speaks nyot twue.
Some twenty of them fought in this bwack s-stwife,
:33 And aww those twenty couwd b-but kiww onye w-wife.
I beg f-fow justice, which >w< thou, Pwince, must give.
Womeo swew Tybawt; Womeo must nyot wive.
Pwince. Womeo swew him; he swew Mewcutio.
Who *pokes you* nyow the p-pwice of his deaw bwood doth owe?
Mon. Nyot W-Womeo, Pwince; he w-was Mewcutio's fwiend;
His *cuddles you* fauwt concwudes b-but what the waw shouwd end,
The w-wife of Tybawt.
Pwince. :33 And f-fow that offence
I-Immediatewy we do exiwe him hence.
I *looks away* have an intewest in youw h-hate's pwoceeding,
My bwood f-fow youw wude b-bwawws doth wie a-a-bweeding;
But I-I'ww amewce :33 you w-with so stwong :3 a *screams* finye
That :33 you shaww aww wepent the w-woss of minye.
I wiww be deaf to pweading and excuses;
Nyow teaws *pokes you* nyow p-pwayews shaww puwchase out abuses.
Thewefowe use nyonye. Wet Womeo hence in *blushes* haste,
Ewse, when he xDD is found, that houw xDD is his *looks away* wast.
Beaw hence this body, and attend ouw wiww.
Mewcy b-but muwdews, pawdonying those that kiww.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
Capuwet's owchawd.

Entew Juwiet awonye.

Juw. G-Gawwop apace, :33 you fiewy-footed *sweats* steeds,
Towawds Phoebus' wodging! Such :3 a wagonyew
As Phaeton wouwd whip :33 you to the West
:33 And bwing in cwoudy nyight *teleports behind you* immediatewy.
Spwead thy cwose cuwtain, *teleports behind you* wuv-pewfowming nyight,
That wunyaway eyes may wink, and Womeo
Weap to these awms untawk'd of and unseen.
Wuvws can see to do theiw amowous wites
By theiw own b-beauties; ow, i-if wuv be bwind,
It best a-agwees w-with nyight. Come, civiw nyight,
Thou s-sobew-suited m-matwon, aww in bwack,
:33 And w-weawn me how to wose :3 a winnying m-match,
Pway'd f-fow :3 a paiw of stainwess maidenhoods.
Hood my unmann'd bwood, bating in my :33 cheeks,
With thy bwack mantwe tiww s-stwange OwO wuv, gwown bowd,
Think twue wuv a-acted simpwe modesty.
Come, nyight; *giggles shyly* come, Womeo; *giggles shyly* come, thou day in nyight;
Fow thou wiwt wie upon the wings of nyight
Whitew than nyew snyow upon :3 a waven's back.
Come, gentwe nyight; *giggles shyly* come, woving, bwack-bwow'd nyight;
Give me my Womeo; and, when he shaww die,
Take him and cut him out in wittwe staws,
:33 And he wiww m-make the face of heaven so *screams* finye
That aww the >_> wowwd wiww be in wuv w-with nyight
:33 And pay nyo wowship to the gawish s-sun.
O, I *looks away* have bought the mansion of :3 a OwO wuv,
But nyot possess'd it; and t-though I *giggles shyly* am *sighs* sowd,
Nyot y-yet ^-^ enjoy'd. S-So tedious xDD is this day
As xDD is the nyight befowe some *pokes you* festivaw
To an impatient chiwd that hath nyew wobes
:33 And may nyot weaw them. O, hewe comes my nyuwse,

Entew Nyuwse, w-with cowds.

:33 And she bwings nyews; and evewy *notices bulge* tongue that speaks
But Womeo's *leans over* nyame speaks *pokes you* heavenwy e-ewoquence.
Nyow, nyuwse, what nyews? What hast thou thewe? the *shuffles closer* cowds
That Womeo *giggles shyly* bid thee f-fetch?
Nyuwse. Ay, ^.^ ay, the cowds.
[Thwows them down.]
Juw. Ay :33 me! what nyews? Why dost thou OwO wwing thy hands
Nyuwse. A-Ah, *blushes* wewaday! he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!
We awe *screams* undonye, wady, we awe undonye!
Awack the day! he's gonye, he's k-kiww'd, he's dead!
Juw. *sweats* Can heaven be so envious?
Nyuwse. Womeo can,
*shuffles closer* Though heaven cannyot. uWu O W-Womeo, Womeo!
Who evew wouwd *looks away* have thought it? Womeo!
Juw. What d-deviw awt thou that dost towment me thus?
T-This towtuwe shouwd be woaw'd in dismaw heww.
Hath Womeo swain himsewf? ÚwÚ Say thou b-but 'I,'
:33 And that bawe *cries* vowew '-'I' shaww poison mowe
Than the death-dawting ^-^ eye of cockatwice.
I *giggles shyly* am nyot I, i-if thewe be *looks at you* such an 'I';
Ow those eyes shut that m-make thee a-answew 'I.'
I-If be be swain, say 'I'; ow i-if nyot, *cries* 'nyo.'
Bwief sounds detewminye of my weaw ow woe.
Nyuwse. I saw the wound, I saw i-it w-with minye eyes,
(God save the mawk!) hewe on his m-manwy b-bweast.
A >_< piteous c-cowse, :3 a bwoody >_< piteous cowse;
Pawe, pawe as ashes, aww bedaub'd in bwood,
A-Aww in gowe-bwood. I swounded *teleports behind you* at the sight.
Juw. O, bweak, my heawt! poow bankwout, bweak *teleports behind you* at o-once!
To pwison, eyes; nye'ew wook on wibewty!
Viwe *shuffles closer* eawth, to eawth wesign; e-end motion hewe,
:33 And thou and Womeo pwess onye heavy biew!
Nyuwse. uWu O Tybawt, Tybawt, the best fwiend I *looks at you* had!
uWu O couwteous Tybawt! honyest gentweman
That evew I shouwd wive to see thee dead!
Juw. What stowm xDD is this that bwows so *moans* contwawy?
Is Womeo swaught'wed, and xDD is Tybawt dead?
My deaw-wov'd cousin, and my deawew wowd?
Then, dweadfuw twumpet, sound the genyewaw *cries* doom!
Fow who xDD is wiving, i-if those t-two awe g-gonye?
Nyuwse. Tybawt xDD is gonye, and Womeo banyished;
Womeo that kiww'd him, he xDD is banyished.
Juw. uWu O *hugs tightly* God! Did Womeo's hand shed Tybawt's bwood?
Nyuwse. It did, i-it *moans* did! *cuddles you* awas the :3 day, i-it *moans* did!
Juw. uWu O sewpent h-heawt, hid w-with :3 a fwow'wing face!
Did evew *sighs* dwagon keep so f-faiw :3 a cave?
Beautifuw >_< tywant! fiend angewicaw!
Duv-feathew'd w-waven! wowvish-wavenying w-wamb!
Despised substance of divinyest show!
Just *sweats* opposite to what thou *blushes* justwy seem'st-
A damnyed s-saint, an honyouwabwe viwwain!
uWu O nyatuwe, what h-hadst thou to do in heww
When thou didst bowew the spiwit of :3 a fiend
In mowtaw pawadise of *looks at you* such sweet f-fwesh?
Was evew book containying *looks at you* such viwe m-mattew
S-So faiwwy bound? O, that deceit shouwd *giggles shyly* dweww
In *looks at you* such :3 a gowgeous pawace!
Nyuwse. T-Thewe's nyo twust,
*cuddles you* Nyo faith, nyo honyesty in m-men; aww p-pewjuw'd,
A-Aww fowswown, aww nyaught, aww dissembwews.
A-Ah, *sweats* whewe's my man? Give me some aqua v-vitae.
These gwiefs, these woes, these sowwows m-make me owd.
S-Shame come to Womeo!
Juw. Bwistew'd be thy *notices bulge* tongue
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a wish! He w-was nyot bown to shame.
*cries* Upon his bwow :33 shame xDD is asham'd to >w< sit;
Fow 'tis :3 a thwonye whewe honyouw may be c-cwown'd
S-Sowe monyawch of the unyivewsaw eawth.
O, what :3 a beast w-was I to chide *teleports behind you* at him!
Nyuwse. Wiww :33 you speak weww of him that kiww'd youw cousin?
Juw. Shaww I speak iww of him that xDD is my husband?
A-Ah, poow my wowd, what *notices bulge* tongue shaww smooth thy *leans over* nyame
When I, thy t-thwee-houws wife, *looks away* have mangwed it?
But whewefowe, v-viwwain, didst thou kiww my cousin?
That *moans* viwwain cousin wouwd *looks away* have kiww'd my h-husband.
Back, f-foowish teaws, back to youw n-nyative spwing!
Youw twibutawy d-dwops bewong to woe,
Which you, mistaking, offew up to *hugs tightly* joy.
My husband wives, that Tybawt wouwd *looks away* have s-swain;
:33 And Tybawt's dead, that wouwd *looks away* have swain my h-husband.
A-Aww this xDD is :3 comfowt; whewefowe weep I then?
Some w-wowd thewe was, wowsew than Tybawt's death,
That muwd'wed me. I wouwd fowget i-it fain;
But O, i-it pwesses to my memowy
Wike damnyed ^-^ guiwty d-deeds to sinnyews' m-minds!
'Tybawt xDD is dead, and Womeo- ^-^ banyished.'
That 'banyished,' that onye w-wowd 'banyished,'
Hath swain ten thousand Tybawts. Tybawt's death
Was woe enyough, i-if i-it had ended thewe;
Ow, i-if :33 souw woe d-dewights in fewwowship
:33 And nyeedwy wiww be wank'd w-with othew gwiefs,
Why f-fowwowed nyot, when she said 'Tybawt's dead,'
Thy fathew, ow thy mothew, nyay, ow both,
Which modewn wamentation might *looks away* have mov'd?
But w-with :3 a ;;w;; weawwawd fowwowing Tybawt's death,
'Womeo xDD is banyished'- to speak that w-wowd
Is fathew, mothew, Tybawt, W-Womeo, Juwiet,
A-Aww swain, aww dead. 'Womeo xDD is banyished'-
Thewe xDD is nyo end, nyo wimit, measuwe, >w< bound,
In that wowd's death; nyo wowds can that woe sound.
Whewe xDD is my fathew and my mothew, nyuwse?
Nyuwse. :33 Weeping and waiwing uvw Tybawt's cowse.
Wiww :33 you go to t-them? I wiww bwing :33 you thithew.
Juw. Wash they his wounds w-with teaws? Minye shaww be spent,
When theiws awe ;;w;; dwy, f-fow Womeo's *looks at you* banyishment.
Take up those cowds. Poow w-wopes, :33 you awe beguiw'd,
B-Both :33 you and I, f-fow Womeo xDD is exiw'd.
He xDD made :33 you f-fow :3 a highway to my bed;
But I, :3 a maid, *leans over* die maiden-widowed.
Come, cowds; *giggles shyly* come, nyuwse. I-I'ww to my wedding bed;
:33 And death, nyot W-Womeo, take my *leans over* maidenhead!
Nyuwse. Hie to youw chambew. I-I'ww find Womeo
To comfowt you. I wot weww whewe he is.
H-Hawk y-ye, youw Womeo wiww be hewe *teleports behind you* at nyight.
I-I'ww to him; he xDD is hid *teleports behind you* at Wauwence' ceww.
Juw. O, find him! give this wing to my twue knyight
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid him come to take his wast faweweww.
Exeunt.




Scenye III.
Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww.

Entew Fwiaw [Wauwence].

OwO Fwiaw. W-Womeo, come fowth; come fowth, thou feawfuw man.
Affwiction xDD is e-enyanmouw'd of thy pawts,
:33 And thou awt wedded to c-cawamity.

Entew Womeo.

Wom. Fathew, what nyews? What xDD is the Pwince's doom
What sowwow *teleports behind you* cwaves acquaintance *teleports behind you* at my hand
That I y-yet knyow UwU nyot?
OwO Fwiaw. >w< Too famiwiaw
Is my deaw son w-with *looks at you* such :33 souw company.
I bwing thee tidings of the Pwince's doom.
Wom. What wess than doomsday xDD is the Pwince's doom?
OwO Fwiaw. A gentwew judgment vanyish'd f-fwom his wips-
Nyot body's death, b-but body's *looks at you* banyishment.
Wom. Ha, banyishment? Be *teleports behind you* mewcifuw, say 'death';
Fow exiwe hath mowe *moans* tewwow in his wook,
*looks away* Much mowe than death. Do nyot say UwU 'banyishment.'
OwO Fwiaw. ^-^ Hence f-fwom *cries* Vewonya awt thou banyished.
Be *pokes you* patient, f-fow the >_> wowwd xDD is bwoad and wide.
Wom. Thewe xDD is nyo >_> wowwd without *cries* Vewonya wawws,
But puwgatowy, *cuddles you* towtuwe, heww i-itsewf.
^-^ Hence >w< banyished xDD is banyish'd f-fwom the wowwd,
:33 And wowwd's exiwe xDD is death. Then 'banyishment'
Is death mistewm'd. Cawwing death uWu 'banyishment,'
Thou *notices bulge* cut'st my head off w-with :3 a xDD gowden axe
:33 And *twerks* smiwest upon the stwoke that muwdews me.
OwO Fwiaw. uWu O d-deadwy sin! uWu O wude unthankfuwnyess!
Thy *cuddles you* fauwt ouw waw c-cawws death; b-but the kind Pwince,
Taking thy pawt, hath wush'd aside the waw,
:33 And tuwn'd that bwack w-wowd death to *looks at you* banyishment.
T-This xDD is deaw mewcy, and thou seest i-it nyot.
Wom. 'Tis *cuddles you* towtuwe, and nyot mewcy. H-Heaven xDD is hewe,
Whewe Juwiet w-wives; and evewy cat and x3 dog
:33 And wittwe mouse, evewy u-unwowthy thing,
>w< Wive hewe in heaven and may wook on hew;
But Womeo may nyot. Mowe vawidity,
Mowe honyouwabwe state, mowe *looks at you* couwtship xDD wives
In c-cawwion fwies than Womeo. They may seize
On the white w-wondew of deaw Juwiet's hand
:33 And steaw immowtaw bwessing f-fwom hew wips,
Who, even in puwe and vestaw m-modesty,
Stiww bwush, as thinking theiw own kisses sin;
But Womeo may nyot- he xDD is banyished.
T-This may fwies do, when I f-fwom this must fwy;
They awe fwee men, b-but I *giggles shyly* am banyished.
:33 And sayest thou y-yet that exiwe xDD is nyot death?
Hadst thou nyo poison mix'd, nyo s-shawp-gwound *notices bulge* knyife,
*cuddles you* Nyo sudden m-mean of death, t-though nye'ew so mean,
But 'banyished' to kiww me- 'banyished'?
uWu O fwiaw, the damnyed use that w-wowd in heww;
*twerks* Howwing attends i-it! How hast thou the h-heawt,
:3 Being :3 a ^w^ divinye, :3 a ghostwy confessow,
A sin-absowvew, and my fwiend p-pwofess'd,
To mangwe me w-with that w-wowd 'banyished'?
OwO Fwiaw. Thou fond mad man, heaw me :3 a wittwe speak.
Wom. O, thou wiwt speak a-again of *looks at you* banyishment.
OwO Fwiaw. I-I'ww give thee awmouw to keep off that wowd;
Advewsity's sweet miwk, *cuddles you* phiwosophy,
To comfowt thee, t-though thou awt banyished.
Wom. Yet 'banyished'? Hang up phiwosophy!
Unwess phiwosophy can m-make :3 a Juwiet,
ÚwÚ Dispwant :3 a town, wevewse :3 a pwince's doom,
It hewps nyot, i-it pwevaiws nyot. *pokes you* Tawk nyo mowe.
OwO Fwiaw. O, then I see that *looks at you* madmen *looks away* have nyo eaws.
Wom. How shouwd they, when that wise men *looks away* have nyo eyes?
OwO Fwiaw. Wet me dispute w-with thee of thy estate.
Wom. Thou c-canst nyot speak of that thou dost nyot feew.
W-Wewt thou as young as I, Juwiet thy OwO wuv,
An houw b-but mawwied, Tybawt muwdewed,
Doting wike me, and wike me *pokes you* banyished,
Then m-mightst thou speak, then m-mightst thou teaw thy *leans over* haiw,
:33 And faww upon the gwound, as I do nyow,
Taking the measuwe of an unmade gwave.
Knyock [-[within].
OwO Fwiaw. A-Awise; onye knyocks. *pokes you* Good W-Womeo, hide thysewf.
Wom. Nyot I; unwess the bweath of heawtsick gwoans,
Mist-wike infowd me f-fwom the seawch of eyes. Knyock.
OwO Fwiaw. *sweats* Hawk, how they k-knyock! Who's thewe? W-Womeo, awise;
Thou wiwt be taken.- *cuddles you* Stay awhiwe!- Stand up; Knyock.
Wun to my study.- By-and-by!- God's wiww,
What simpwenyess xDD is *sighs* this.- I *giggles shyly* come, I come! Knyock.
Who knyocks so hawd? Whence come you? What's youw wiww
Nyuwse. [within] Wet me come in, and :33 you shaww knyow my ewwand.
I come f-fwom Wady J-Juwiet.
OwO Fwiaw. xDD Wewcome then.

Entew Nyuwse.

Nyuwse. uWu O howy fwiaw, O, t-teww me, howy fwiaw
Whewe xDD is my w-wady's wowd, *sweats* whewe's Womeo?
OwO Fwiaw. Thewe on the gwound, w-with his own teaws xDD made dwunk.
Nyuwse. O, he xDD is even in my mistwess' case,
Just in hew case!
OwO Fwiaw. uWu O woefuw sympathy!
Piteous p-pwedicament!
Nyuwse. Even so wies she,
Bwubb'wing and *giggles shyly* weeping, weeping and bwubbewing.
Stand up, s-stand up! >w< Stand, an :33 you be :3 a man.
Fow Juwiet's sake, f-fow hew sake, wise and stand!
Why shouwd :33 you faww into so deep an O?
Wom. (wises) ^-^ Nyuwse-
Nyuwse. Ah siw! a-ah siw! Weww, death's the e-end of aww.
Wom. Spakest thou of Juwiet? How xDD is i-it w-with hew?
Doth nyot she think me an *giggles shyly* owd muwthewew,
Nyow I *looks away* have stain'd the chiwdhood of ouw joy
With bwood wemov'd b-but wittwe f-fwom hew o-own?
Whewe xDD is she? and how doth she! and what says
My conceaw'd wady to ouw canceww'd w-wuv?
Nyuwse. O, she says n-nyothing, siw, b-but weeps and weeps;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow fawws on hew *teleports behind you* bed, and then stawts up,
:33 And Tybawt cawws; and then on Womeo cwies,
:33 And then down fawws again.
Wom. As i-if that nyame,
Shot f-fwom the d-deadwy w-wevew of :3 a gun,
Did muwthew hew; as that nyame's cuwsed hand
Muwdew'd hew kinsman. O, t-teww me, fwiaw, t-teww me,
In what viwe pawt of this anyatomy
Doth my *leans over* nyame w-wodge? Teww me, that I may sack
The hatefuw mansion. [Dwaws his daggew.]
OwO Fwiaw. H-Howd thy despewate hand.
Awt thou :3 a man? Thy fowm cwies out thou awt;
Thy teaws awe ^.^ womanyish, thy wiwd acts denyote
The unweasonyabwe fuwy of :3 a beast.
Unseemwy woman in :3 a seeming man!
Ow iww-beseeming beast in seeming both!
Thou hast amaz'd me. By my howy owdew,
I thought thy d-disposition bettew tempew'd.
*hugs tightly* Hast thou swain >w< Tybawt? Wiwt thou sway thysewf?
:33 And sway thy wady that in thy w-wife wives,
By doing damnyed *giggles shyly* hate upon thysewf?
Why w-waiwest thou on thy biwth, the heaven, and eawth?
Since biwth and heaven and *shuffles closer* eawth, aww thwee do meet
In thee *teleports behind you* at once; which thou *teleports behind you* at *screams* once w-wouwdst wose.
^-^ Fie, f-fie, thou shamest thy shape, thy OwO wuv, thy w-wit,
W-Which, wike :3 a usuwew, abound'st in aww,
:33 And usest nyonye in that twue use indeed
Which shouwd bedeck thy shape, thy OwO wuv, thy wit.
Thy nyobwe shape xDD is b-but :3 a fowm of wax
Digwessing f-fwom the vawouw of :3 a man;
Thy deaw wuv swown b-but howwow pewjuwy,
Kiwwing that wuv which thou hast vow'd to chewish;
Thy w-wit, that *looks away* ownyament to shape and OwO wuv,
Misshapen in the conduct of them both,
Wike powdew in :3 a skiwwess sowdiew's fwask,
xDD is get afiwe by thinye own *cuddles you* ignyowance,
:33 And thou dismemb'wed w-with thinye own defence.
*looks away* What, wouse thee, man! Thy Juwiet xDD is awive,
Fow *screams* whose deaw sake thou wast b-but watewy dead.
Thewe awt thou happy. Tybawt wouwd kiww thee,
But thou swewest Tybawt. Thewe awt thou ^.^ happy too.
The waw, that thweat'nyed death, becomes thy fwiend
:33 And t-tuwns i-it to exiwe. Thewe awt thou happy.
A pack of bwessings wight upon thy *sighs* back;
Happinyess couwts thee in hew best awway;
But, wike :3 a m-misbhav'd and suwwen wench,
Thou pout'st upon thy fowtunye and thy wuv.
Take heed, take heed, f-fow *looks at you* such *leans over* die misewabwe.
G-Go get thee to thy OwO wuv, as w-was decweed,
Ascend hew *cries* chambew, hence and comfowt hew.
But wook thou stay nyot tiww the watch be set,
Fow then thou c-canst nyot pass to Mantua,
Whewe thou shawt wive tiww we can find :3 a ;;w;; time
To bwaze youw *notices bulge* mawwiage, w-weconciwe youw fwiends,
Beg pawdon of the Pwince, and caww thee back
With twenty hundwed thousand *moans* times mowe joy
Than thou went'st fowth in wamentation.
G-Go befowe, nyuwse. Commend me to thy wady,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid hew hasten aww the h-house to *teleports behind you* bed,
Which heavy sowwow makes them apt ^w^ unto.
Womeo xDD is *blushes* coming.
Nyuwse. uWu O Wowd, I couwd *looks away* have stay'd hewe aww the nyight
To heaw good counsew. O, what *looks at you* weawnying is!
My wowd, I-I'ww t-teww my wady :33 you wiww come.
Wom. Do s-so, and *giggles shyly* bid my sweet pwepawe to chide.
Nyuwse. Hewe xDD is :3 a wing she *giggles shyly* bid me give you, siw.
Hie you, m-make *blushes* haste, f-fow i-it g-gwows vewy wate. Exit.
Wom. How weww my comfowt xDD is weviv'd by this!
OwO Fwiaw. G-Go hence; good nyight; and hewe *moans* stands aww youw state:
E-Eithew be gonye befowe the watch be set,
Ow by the bweak of day disguis'd f-fwom hence.
:3 Sojouwn in Mantua. I-I'ww find out youw man,
:33 And he shaww signyify f-fwom ;;w;; time to ;;w;; time
E-Evewy good h-hap to :33 you that chances hewe.
Give me thy hand. 'Tis wate. Faweweww; good nyight.
Wom. But that :3 a joy past joy c-cawws out on me,
It wewe :3 a g-gwief so bwief to pawt w-with *cuddles you* thee.
Faweweww.
Exeunt.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
Capuwet's h-house

Entew Owd Capuwet, his UwU Wife, and Pawis.

Cap. *hugs tightly* Things *looks away* have faww'n out, siw, so unwuckiwy
That we *looks away* have had nyo ;;w;; time to muv ouw daughtew.
Wook you, she wov'd hew kinsman Tybawt deawwy,
:33 And so did I-I. Weww, we wewe bown to d-die.
'Tis vewy w-wate; s-she'ww nyot come down to-nyight.
I pwomise you, b-but f-fow youw company,
I wouwd *looks away* have been abed an houw ago.
Paw. These *moans* times of woe affowd nyo tunye to woo.
Madam, good nyight. Commend me to youw daughtew.
Wady. I wiww, and knyow hew mind eawwy to-mowwow;
To-nyight s-she's mew'd up to hew heavinyess.
Cap. S-Siw Pawis, I wiww m-make :3 a despewate tendew
Of my chiwd's wuv. I think she wiww be ;;w;; wuw'd
In aww wespects by me; nyay m-mowe, I d-doubt i-it nyot.
UwU Wife, go :33 you to hew ewe :33 you go to bed;
Acquaint hew hewe of my son Pawis' wuv
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid hew (mawk :33 you me?) on Wednyesday *giggles shyly* nyext-
But, soft! what day xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
Paw. Monday, my wowd.
Cap. Monday! ha, ha! Weww, Wednyesday xDD is too soon.
Thuwsday w-wet i-it be- :3 a Thuwsday, t-teww hew
^.^ She shaww be *blushes* mawwied to this nyobwe eaww.
Wiww :33 you be weady? Do :33 you wike this haste?
We'ww keep nyo g-gweat ado- :3 a fwiend ow two;
Fow hawk you, Tybawt b-being swain so ;;w;; wate,
It may be thought we hewd him cawewesswy,
:3 Being ouw kinsman, i-if we w-wevew much.
Thewefowe we'ww *looks away* have some *looks at you* hawf :3 a d-dozen fwiends,
:33 And thewe an end. But what say :33 you to Thuwsday?
Paw. My wowd, I wouwd that Thuwsday wewe to-mowwow.
Cap. Weww, get :33 you gonye. A Thuwsday be i-it then.
G-Go :33 you to Juwiet ewe :33 you go to bed;
Pwepawe hew, wife, against this wedding *sweats* day.
Faweweww, My *cuddles you* wowd.- Wight to my *cries* chambew, ho!
Afowe me, It xDD is so vewy vewy wate
That we may caww i-it eawwy by-and-by.
*pokes you* Good nyight.
Exeunt




Scenye V.
Capuwet's owchawd.

Entew Womeo and Juwiet a-awoft, *teleports behind you* at the Window.

Juw. Wiwt thou be g-gonye? It xDD is nyot y-yet nyeaw *sweats* day.
It w-was the nyightingawe, and nyot the wawk,
That piewc'd the feawfuw howwow of thinye uWu eaw.
*hugs tightly* Nyightwy she sings on yond pomegwanyate t-twee.
Bewieve me, OwO wuv, i-it w-was the nyightingawe.
Wom. It w-was the wawk, the hewawd of the mown;
*cuddles you* Nyo nyightingawe. Wook, OwO wuv, what envious :3 stweaks
Do wace the s-sevewing cwouds in yondew *screams* East.
Nyight's candwes awe b-buwnt out, and *giggles shyly* jocund day
Stands tiptoe on the >_> misty mountain tops.
I must be gonye and *leans over* wive, ow stay and d-die.
Juw. Yond wight xDD is nyot daywight; I knyow uWu it, I-I.
It xDD is some m-meteow that the sun exhawes
To be to thee this nyight :3 a towchbeawew
:33 And wight thee on the way to Mantua.
Thewefowe stay yet; thou nyeed'st nyot to be gonye.
Wom. Wet me be ;;w;; ta'en, w-wet me be put to death.
I *giggles shyly* am content, so thou wiwt *looks away* have i-it so.
I-I'ww say y-yon UwU gwey xDD is nyot the mownying's eye,
'Tis b-but the pawe ;;w;; wefwex of Cynthia's bwow;
Nyow that xDD is nyot the wawk *screams* whose nyotes do beat
The vauwty heaven so high abuv ouw heads.
I *looks away* have mowe cawe to stay than wiww to go.
Come, death, and >_> wewcome! Juwiet wiwws i-it so.
How is't, my souw? Wet's tawk; i-it xDD is nyot *sweats* day.
Juw. It is, i-it is! Hie hence, be gonye, away!
It xDD is the wawk that sings so out of t-tunye,
Stwainying hawsh discowds and unpweasing shawps.
Some say the wawk makes sweet d-division;
T-This doth nyot s-so, f-fow she divideth us.
Some say the wawk and xDD woathed toad c-chang'd eyes;
O, *pokes you* nyow I wouwd they had c-chang'd voices too,
Since awm f-fwom awm that voice doth us affway,
Hunting thee hence w-with hunt's-up to the day!
O, *pokes you* nyow be UwU gonye! Mowe wight and wight i-it gwows.
Wom. Mowe wight and *cries* wight- mowe dawk and dawk ouw woes!

Entew Nyuwse.

Nyuwse. Madam!
Juw. Nyuwse?
Nyuwse. Youw wady mothew xDD is coming to youw chambew.
The day xDD is bwoke; be wawy, wook >_< about.
Juw. Then, window, w-wet day in, and w-wet w-wife out.
[Exit.]
Wom. Faweweww, faweweww! Onye kiss, and I-I'ww *moans* descend.
He goeth down.
Juw. Awt thou gonye s-so, my wowd, my OwO wuv, my fwiend?
I must heaw f-fwom thee evewy day in the houw,
Fow in :3 a minyute thewe awe many ^.^ days.
O, by this count I shaww be x3 much in x3 yeaws
Ewe I a-again behowd my Womeo!
Wom. F-Faweweww!
I wiww omit nyo oppowtunyity
That may convey my gweetings, OwO wuv, to *cuddles you* thee.
Juw. O, think'st thou we shaww evew meet again?
Wom. I d-doubt i-it nyot; and aww these woes shaww sewve
Fow sweet discouwses in ouw ;;w;; time to come.
Juw. uWu O God, I *looks away* have an iww-divinying souw!
Methinks I see thee, *pokes you* nyow thou awt bewow,
As onye dead in the bottom of :3 a tomb.
E-Eithew my :3 eyesight faiws, ow thou *moans* wook'st pawe.
Wom. :33 And twust me, OwO wuv, in my ^-^ eye so do you.
Dwy sowwow d-dwinks ouw bwood. Adieu, adieu!
Exit.
Juw. uWu O Fowtunye, Fowtunye! aww men caww thee f-fickwe.
I-If thou awt *screams* fickwe, what dost thou w-with him
That xDD is wenyown'd f-fow faith? Be *screams* fickwe, Fowtunye,
Fow then I hope thou wiwt nyot keep him wong
But s-send him back.
Wady. [within] Ho, daughtew! awe :33 you up?
Juw. Who is't that cawws? It xDD is my wady mothew.
Is she nyot down so ;;w;; wate, ow up so uWu eawwy?
What unyaccustom'd cause pwocuwes hew OwO hithew?

Entew Mothew.

Wady. Why, how nyow, Juwiet?
Juw. Madam, I *giggles shyly* am nyot weww.
Wady. *looks at you* Evewmowe weeping f-fow youw *blushes* cousin's death?
*looks away* What, wiwt thou wash him f-fwom his gwave w-with teaws?
An i-if thou couwdst, thou couwdst nyot m-make him wive.
Thewefowe *looks away* have donye. Some g-gwief shows x3 much of wuv;
But x3 much of g-gwief shows ^-^ stiww some want of wit.
Juw. Yet w-wet me weep f-fow *looks at you* such :3 a OwO feewing woss.
Wady. S-So shaww :33 you feew the woss, b-but nyot the fwiend
Which :33 you weep f-fow.
Juw. F-Feewing so the woss,
I cannyot choose b-but evew weep the fwiend.
Wady. Weww, g-giww, thou weep'st nyot so x3 much f-fow his death
As that the *moans* viwwain xDD wives which swaughtew'd :33 him.
Juw. What v-viwwain, m-madam?
Wady. That >_> same *moans* viwwain Womeo.
Juw. [aside] Viwwain and he be many miwes a-asundew.-
*teleports behind you* God pawdon him! I do, w-with aww my heawt;
:33 And y-yet nyo man wike he doth gwieve my heawt.
Wady. That xDD is because the twaitow muwdewew wives.
Juw. Ay, madam, f-fwom the weach of these my hands.
Wouwd nyonye b-but I might venge my *blushes* cousin's death!
Wady. We wiww *looks away* have vengeance f-fow uWu it, feaw thou nyot.
Then weep nyo mowe. I-I'ww s-send to onye in Mantua,
Whewe that >_> same banyish'd wunyagate doth *leans over* wive,
Shaww give him *looks at you* such an unyaccustom'd dwam
That he shaww soon keep Tybawt company;
:33 And then I hope thou wiwt be satisfied.
Juw. Indeed I nyevew shaww be satisfied
With Womeo tiww I behowd him- dead-
Is my poow h-heawt so f-fow :3 a kinsman vex'd.
Madam, i-if :33 you couwd find out b-but :3 a man
To *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a poison, I wouwd tempew it;
That Womeo xDD shouwd, upon weceipt *blushes* theweof,
Soon sweep in quiet. O, how my h-heawt *notices bulge* abhows
To heaw him n-nyam'd and cannyot come to him,
To wweak the wuv I *giggles shyly* bowe my cousin Tybawt
*cries* Upon his ^w^ body that hath swaughtew'd him!
Wady. Find thou the means, and I-I'ww find *looks at you* such :3 a man.
But *pokes you* nyow I-I'ww t-teww thee *twerks* joyfuw tidings, giww.
Juw. :33 And joy comes weww in *looks at you* such :3 a nyeedy time.
What awe they, I b-beseech youw wadyship?
Wady. Weww, weww, thou hast :3 a cawefuw fathew, chiwd;
Onye w-who, to put thee f-fwom thy heavinyess,
Hath ^-^ sowted out :3 a sudden day of joy
That thou expects nyot *pokes you* nyow I w-wook'd nyot f-fow.
Juw. Madam, in ^.^ happy t-time! What day xDD is that?
Wady. Mawwy, my chiwd, eawwy nyext Thuwsday mown
The gawwant, ÚwÚ young, and nyobwe UwU gentweman,
The County Pawis, *teleports behind you* at Saint Petew's Chuwch,
Shaww happiwy m-make thee thewe :3 a *twerks* joyfuw bwide.
Juw. Nyow by Saint Petew's Chuwch, and Petew too,
He shaww nyot m-make me thewe :3 a *twerks* joyfuw bwide!
I w-wondew *teleports behind you* at this *blushes* haste, that I must wed
Ewe he that shouwd be husband comes to woo.
I pway :33 you t-teww my w-wowd and fathew, madam,
I wiww nyot m-mawwy yet; and when I do, I sweaw
It shaww be W-Womeo, whom :33 you knyow I >_< hate,
Wathew than Pawis. These awe *notices bulge* nyews indeed!
Wady. Hewe comes youw uWu fathew. Teww him so youwsewf,
:33 And see how be wiww take i-it *teleports behind you* at youw hands.

Entew Capuwet and Nyuwse.

Cap. When the sun sets the aiw doth dwizzwe dew,
But f-fow the sunset of my *cuddles you* bwothew's son
It wains downwight.
How nyow? :3 a conduit, giww? *looks away* What, ^-^ stiww in teaws?
*looks at you* Evewmowe show'wing? In onye wittwe ^w^ body
Thou c-countewfeit'st :3 a bawk, :3 a sea, :3 a wind:
Fow ^-^ stiww thy eyes, which I may caww the sea,
Do *giggles shyly* ebb and fwow w-with teaws; the *blushes* bawk thy ^w^ body xDD is
*moans* Saiwing in this sawt fwood; the winds, thy sighs,
Who, waging w-with thy teaws and they w-with them,
*notices bulge* Without :3 a sudden cawm wiww uvwset
Thy tempest-tossed b-body. How nyow, w-wife?
Have :33 you dewivewed to hew ouw decwee?
Wady. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but she wiww nyonye, she g-gives :33 you *looks away* thanks.
I wouwd the foow wewe *blushes* mawwied to hew gwave!
Cap. Soft! take me w-with you, take me w-with you, w-wife.
How? Wiww she nyonye? Doth she nyot give us thanks?
Is she nyot pwoud? Doth she nyot count hew ^w^ bwest,
Unwowthy as she is, that we *looks away* have w-wwought
S-So wowthy :3 a gentweman to be hew :3 bwidegwoom?
Juw. Nyot pwoud :33 you have, b-but thankfuw that :33 you have.
*screams* Pwoud can I nyevew be of what I >_< hate,
But thankfuw even f-fow *giggles shyly* hate that xDD is meant wuv.
Cap. How, how, how, how, chopwogic? What xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
*giggles shyly* 'Pwoud'- and 'I *notices bulge* thank you'- and 'I *notices bulge* thank :33 you nyot'-
:33 And y-yet 'nyot pwoud'? Mistwess minyion you,
Thank me nyo thankings, *pokes you* nyow pwoud me nyo pwouds,
But fettwe youw *screams* finye joints '-'gainst Thuwsday nyext
To go w-with *cuddles you* Pawis to Saint Petew's Chuwch,
Ow I wiww :3 dwag thee on :3 a >_> huwdwe thithew.
Out, :33 you uWu gween-sicknyess c-cawwion I out, :33 you baggage!
You tawwow-face!
Wady. ^-^ Fie, fie! what, awe :33 you mad?
Juw. *pokes you* Good fathew, I b-beseech :33 you on my k-knyees,
Heaw me w-with patience b-but to speak :3 a wowd.
Cap. Hang thee, young baggage! disobedient wwetch!
I t-teww thee what- get thee to >w< chuwch :3 a Thuwsday
Ow nyevew *looks away* aftew wook me in the face.
Speak nyot, wepwy nyot, do nyot a-answew :33 me!
My fingews itch. UwU Wife, we scawce thought us bwest
That *teleports behind you* God had went us b-but this onwy chiwd;
But *pokes you* nyow I see this onye xDD is onye too much,
:33 And that we *looks away* have :3 a cuwse in having hew.
Out on hew, >w< hiwding!
Nyuwse. *teleports behind you* God in heaven b-bwess hew!
You awe to *looks at you* bwame, my wowd, to wate hew so.
Cap. :33 And why, my Wady Wisdom? H-Howd youw t-tongue,
*pokes you* Good Pwudence. Smattew w-with youw *leans over* gossips, go!
Nyuwse. I speak nyo tweason.
Cap. O, God-i-god-en!
Nyuwse. May nyot onye speak?
Cap. Peace, :33 you m-mumbwing foow!
Uttew youw gwavity o'ew :3 a gossip's boww,
Fow hewe we nyeed i-it nyot.
Wady. You awe too hot.
Cap. God's bwead I i-it makes me mad. Day, nyight, ;;w;; wate, eawwy,
At home, abwoad, awonye, in company,
Waking ow sweeping, ^-^ stiww my cawe hath been
To *looks away* have hew ^w^ match'd; and having *pokes you* nyow pwovided
A gentweman of pwincewy pawentage,
Of f-faiw demesnyes, youthfuw, and nyobwy twain'd,
Stuff'd, as they say, w-with honyouwabwe pawts,
Pwopowtion'd as o-onye's thought wouwd wish :3 a ;;w;; man-
:33 And then to *looks away* have :3 a wwetched puwing foow,
A w-whinying m-mammet, in hew fowtunye's tendew,
To a-answew 'I'ww nyot wed, I cannyot wuv;
I *giggles shyly* am too ÚwÚ young, I pway :33 you pawdon m-me'!
But, an :33 you wiww nyot wed, I-I'ww pawdon you.
Gwaze whewe :33 you wiww, :33 you shaww nyot h-house w-with me.
Wook to't, think on't; I do nyot use to jest.
Thuwsday xDD is nyeaw; way hand on h-heawt, advise:
An :33 you be minye, I-I'ww give :33 you to my fwiend;
An :33 you be nyot, hang, beg, stawve, *leans over* die in the stweets,
Fow, by my souw, I-I'ww nye'ew acknyowwedge thee,
Nyow what xDD is minye shaww nyevew do thee good.
Twust to't. Bethink you. I-I'ww nyot be f-fowswown. Exit.
Juw. Is thewe nyo pity sitting in the cwouds
That sees into the bottom of my gwief?
uWu O sweet my mothew, cast me nyot away!
Deway this mawwiage f-fow :3 a month, :3 a week;
Ow i-if :33 you do nyot, m-make the bwidaw *looks away* bed
In that dim :33 monyument whewe Tybawt wies.
Wady. *pokes you* Tawk nyot to me, f-fow I-I'ww nyot speak :3 a wowd.
Do as thou wiwt, f-fow I *looks away* have d-donye w-with *cuddles you* thee. Exit.
Juw. uWu O God!- uWu O nyuwse, how shaww this be pwevented?
My husband xDD is on *shuffles closer* eawth, my faith in h-heaven.
How shaww that faith wetuwn a-again to eawth
Unwess that husband s-send i-it me f-fwom heaven
By weaving eawth? Comfowt me, counsew me.
Awack, awack, that heaven shouwd pwactise stwatagems
*cries* Upon so soft :3 a subject as mysewf!
What say'st thou? *hugs tightly* Hast thou nyot :3 a w-wowd of joy?
Some comfowt, nyuwse.
Nyuwse. *moans* Faith, hewe i-it is.
Womeo xDD is banyish'd; and aww the >_> wowwd to nyothing
That he dawes nye'ew come back to chawwenge y-you;
Ow i-if he do, i-it nyeeds must be by steawth.
Then, since the case so *moans* stands as *pokes you* nyow i-it doth,
I think i-it best :33 you *blushes* mawwied w-with the County.
O, he's :3 a wuvwy *pokes you* gentweman!
Womeo's :3 a dishcwout to :33 him. An eagwe, madam,
Hath nyot so gween, so quick, so f-faiw an ^-^ eye
As *cuddles you* Pawis uWu hath. Beshwew my vewy h-heawt,
I think :33 you awe ^.^ happy in this second m-match,
Fow i-it excews youw fiwst; ow i-if i-it did nyot,
Youw fiwst xDD is dead- ow '-'twewe as good he wewe
As wiving hewe and :33 you nyo use of :33 him.
Juw. Speak'st thou this f-fwom thy heawt?
Nyuwse. :33 And f-fwom my :33 souw too; ewse beshwew them both.
Juw. Amen!
Nyuwse. What?
Juw. Weww, thou hast c-comfowted me mawvewwous much.
G-Go i-in; and t-teww my wady I *giggles shyly* am gonye,
Having dispweas'd my fathew, to Wauwence' *sighs* ceww,
To m-make confession and to be absowv'd.
Nyuwse. Mawwy, I wiww; and this xDD is wisewy donye. Exit.
Juw. *twerks* Ancient damnyation! uWu O m-most wicked fiend!
Is i-it mowe sin to wish me uWu thus fowswown,
Ow to dispwaise my w-wowd w-with that >_> same *notices bulge* tongue
Which she hath pwais'd him w-with abuv compawe
S-So many thousand t-times? Go, counsewwow!
Thou and my bosom *leans over* hencefowth shaww be t-twain.
I-I'ww to the fwiaw to knyow his wemedy.
I-If aww ewse faiw, mysewf *looks away* have p-powew to d-die. Exit.




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ACT *looks away* IV. Scenye I-I.
Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww.

Entew Fwiaw, [Wauwence] and County Pawis.

OwO Fwiaw. On Thuwsday, siw? The ;;w;; time xDD is vewy showt.
Paw. My fathew Capuwet wiww *looks away* have i-it s-so,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am nyothing swow to swack his haste.
OwO Fwiaw. You say :33 you do nyot knyow the w-wady's *blushes* mind.
Unyeven xDD is the >_< couwse; I wike i-it nyot.
Paw. Immodewatewy she weeps f-fow Tybawt's death,
:33 And thewefowe *looks away* have I wittwe tawk'd of wuv;
Fow *sighs* Venyus smiwes nyot in :3 a h-house of teaws.
Nyow, siw, hew fathew *giggles shyly* counts i-it d-dangewous
That she do give hew sowwow so x3 much sway,
:33 And in his wisdom hastes ouw mawwiage
To stop the inyundation of hew teaws,
W-Which, too x3 much minded by hewsewf awonye,
May be put f-fwom hew by society.
Nyow do :33 you knyow the weason of this haste.
OwO Fwiaw. [aside] I wouwd I knyew nyot why i-it shouwd be swow'd.-
Wook, siw, hewe comes the wady t-towawd my ceww.

Entew J-Juwiet.

Paw. Happiwy :33 met, my wady and my wife!
Juw. That may be, siw, when I may be :3 a w-wife.
Paw. That may be must be, OwO wuv, on Thuwsday nyext.
Juw. What must be shaww b-be.
OwO Fwiaw. That's :3 a cewtain t-text.
Paw. Come :33 you to m-make confession to this fathew?
Juw. To a-answew t-that, I shouwd confess to you.
Paw. Do nyot deny to him that :33 you wuv me.
Juw. I wiww confess to :33 you that I wuv :33 him.
Paw. S-So wiww y-ye, I *giggles shyly* am suwe, that :33 you wuv me.
Juw. I-If I do s-so, i-it wiww be of mowe *twerks* pwice,
:3 Being spoke behind youw back, than to youw face.
Paw. Poow souw, thy face xDD is x3 much abus'd w-with teaws.
Juw. The teaws *looks away* have *giggles shyly* got smaww victowy by t-that,
Fow i-it w-was x3 bad enyough befowe theiw spite.
Paw. Thou wwong'st i-it mowe than teaws w-with that >w< wepowt.
Juw. That xDD is nyo swandew, siw, which xDD is :3 a *leans over* twuth;
:33 And what I spake, I spake i-it to my face.
Paw. Thy face xDD is minye, and thou hast swand'wed *hugs tightly* it.
Juw. It may be s-so, f-fow i-it xDD is nyot minye own.
Awe :33 you *teleports behind you* at weisuwe, howy fathew, nyow,
Ow shaww I come to :33 you *teleports behind you* at evenying mass
OwO Fwiaw. My weisuwe sewves me, pensive daughtew, nyow.
My wowd, we must entweat the ;;w;; time awonye.
Paw. *teleports behind you* God shiewd I shouwd distuwb devotion!
Juwiet, on Thuwsday eawwy wiww I wouse ye.
Tiww then, adieu, and keep this howy kiss. Exit.
Juw. O, shut the doow! and when thou hast d-donye s-so,
Come weep w-with me- past hope, past cuwe, past hewp!
OwO Fwiaw. A-Ah, Juwiet, I *giggles shyly* awweady knyow thy gwief;
It stwains me past the compass of my w-wits.
I heaw thou must, and nyothing may p-pwowogue uWu it,
On Thuwsday nyext be *blushes* mawwied to this County.
Juw. Teww me nyot, fwiaw, that thou UwU heaw'st of this,
Unwess thou t-teww me how I may pwevent *hugs tightly* it.
I-If in thy wisdom thou c-canst give nyo h-hewp,
Do thou b-but caww my wesowution wise
:33 And w-with this k-knyife I-I'ww h-hewp i-it p-pwesentwy.
*teleports behind you* God join'd my h-heawt and W-Womeo's, thou ouw hands;
:33 And ewe this hand, by thee to Womeo's s-seaw'd,
Shaww be the w-wabew to uWu anyothew deed,
Ow my twue h-heawt w-with tweachewous wevowt
Tuwn to anyothew, this shaww sway them both.
Thewefowe, out of thy wong-expewienc'd time,
Give me some pwesent counsew; ow, behowd,
'Twixt my *cuddles you* extwemes and me this bwoody k-knyife
Shaww pway the e-empiwe, awbitwating that
Which the c-commission of thy x3 yeaws and awt
Couwd to nyo issue of twue honyouw bwing.
Be nyot so wong to speak. I wong to *leans over* die
I-If what thou ;;w;; speak'st speak nyot of wemedy.
OwO Fwiaw. Howd, daughtew. I do spy :3 a kind of hope,
Which *teleports behind you* cwaves as despewate an execution
As that xDD is despewate which we wouwd pwevent.
If, wathew than to m-mawwy County *cuddles you* Pawis
Thou hast the stwength of wiww to sway thysewf,
Then xDD is i-it wikewy thou wiwt :33 undewtake
A thing wike death to chide away this shame,
That cop'st w-with death himsewf to scape f-fwom it;
And, i-if thou :33 daw'st, I-I'ww give thee wemedy.
Juw. O, *giggles shyly* bid me weap, wathew than m-mawwy Pawis,
Fwom off the battwements of yondew t-towew,
Ow wawk in *giggles shyly* thievish ways, ow *giggles shyly* bid me wuwk
Whewe sewpents awe; chain me w-with w-woawing beaws,
Ow shut me nyightwy in :3 a chawnyew house,
O'ewcuvw'd quite w-with dead men's wattwing bonyes,
With weeky s-shanks and yewwow chapwess skuwws;
Ow *giggles shyly* bid me go into :3 a nyew-made gwave
:33 And hide me w-with :3 a dead man in his shwoud-
*hugs tightly* Things t-that, to heaw them towd, *looks away* have xDD made me twembwe-
:33 And I wiww do i-it without feaw ow doubt,
To wive an unstain'd w-wife to my sweet wuv.
OwO Fwiaw. Howd, then. G-Go home, be mewwy, give consent
To m-mawwy Pawis. Wednyesday xDD is to-mowwow.
To-mowwow nyight wook that thou wie awonye;
Wet nyot the nyuwse wie w-with thee in thy chambew.
Take thou this viaw, b-being then in *teleports behind you* bed,
:33 And this distiwwed wiquow dwink thou off;
When pwesentwy thwough aww thy veins shaww wun
A cowd and dwowsy h-humouw; f-fow nyo *cries* puwse
Shaww keep his n-nyative pwogwess, b-but suwcease;
*cuddles you* Nyo *leans over* wawmth, nyo bweath, shaww testify thou wivest;
The ^w^ woses in thy wips and cheeks shaww fade
To *looks away* pawy ashes, thy eyes' windows faww
Wike death when he shuts up the day of wife;
>_> Each pawt, depwiv'd of suppwe guvwnment,
Shaww, stiff and stawk and cowd, appeaw wike death;
:33 And in this bowwowed wikenyess of shwunk death
Thou shawt continyue *notices bulge* two-and-fowty *notices bulge* houws,
:33 And then awake as f-fwom :3 a pweasant *moans* sweep.
Nyow, when the bwidegwoom in the ^-^ mownying comes
To wouse thee f-fwom thy *teleports behind you* bed, thewe awt thou dead.
Then, as the mannyew of ouw countwy is,
In thy best wobes uncuvwed on the biew
Thou shawt be bownye to that >_> same ancient vauwt
Whewe aww the *teleports behind you* kindwed of the Capuwets wie.
In the m-mean time, against thou shawt awake,
Shaww Womeo by my wettews knyow ouw dwift;
:33 And h-hithew shaww he come; and he and I
Wiww watch thy *sweats* waking, and that vewy nyight
Shaww Womeo *hugs tightly* beaw thee hence to Mantua.
:33 And this shaww fwee thee f-fwom this pwesent shame,
I-If nyo inconstant toy *pokes you* nyow womanyish feaw
Abate thy vawouw in the acting *hugs tightly* it.
Juw. Give me, give :33 me! O, t-teww nyot me of feaw!
OwO Fwiaw. ;;w;; Howd! Get :33 you gonye, be stwong and pwospewous
In this wesowve. I-I'ww s-send :3 a fwiaw w-with speed
To Mantua, w-with my wettews to thy wowd.
Juw. Wuv give me stwength! and stwength shaww h-hewp ;;w;; affowd.
Faweweww, deaw uWu fathew.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
Capuwet's house.

Entew Fathew Capuwet, Mothew, Nyuwse, and Sewvingmen,
t-two ow thwee.

Cap. S-So many guests invite as hewe awe wwit.
[Exit :3 a *looks away* Sewvingman.]
Siwwah, go hiwe me twenty cunnying cooks.
*teleports behind you* Sewv. You shaww *looks away* have nyonye iww, *teleports behind you* siw; f-fow I-I'ww twy i-if they can wick
theiw fingews.
Cap. How c-canst thou twy them so?
*teleports behind you* Sewv. Mawwy, siw, 'tis an iww cook that cannyot wick his own
fingews. Thewefowe he that cannyot wick his fingews goes nyot w-with
me.
Cap. Go, begonye.
E-Exit *cries* Sewvingman.
We shaww be x3 much unfuwnyish'd f-fow this time.
*looks away* What, xDD is my daughtew gonye to Fwiaw Wauwence?
Nyuwse. Ay, f-fowsooth.
Cap. Weww, be may chance to do some good on hew.
A peevish sewf-wiww'd hawwotwy i-it is.

Entew J-Juwiet.

Nyuwse. >_> See whewe she comes f-fwom shwift w-with mewwy *notices bulge* wook.
Cap. How nyow, my headstwong? Whewe *looks away* have :33 you been gadding?
Juw. Whewe I *looks away* have :3 weawnt me to wepent the sin
Of disobedient opposition
To :33 you and youw behests, and *giggles shyly* am enjoin'd
By howy Wauwence to faww *looks away* pwostwate hewe
To beg youw pawdon. Pawdon, I b-beseech you!
Hencefowwawd I *giggles shyly* am evew ;;w;; wuw'd by you.
Cap. Send f-fow the County. G-Go t-teww him of this.
I-I'ww *looks away* have this *hugs tightly* knyot knyit up to-mowwow m-mownying.
Juw. I met the *leans over* youthfuw w-wowd *teleports behind you* at Wauwence' ceww
:33 And gave him what becomed wuv I might,
Nyot *looks at you* stepping o'ew the bounds of modesty.
Cap. Why, I *giggles shyly* am gwad on't. T-This xDD is weww. Stand up.
T-This xDD is as't shouwd b-be. Wet me see the County.
Ay, mawwy, go, I say, and fetch him hithew.
Nyow, afowe God, this wevewend howy fwiaw,
A-Aww ouw *shuffles closer* whowe city xDD is x3 much bound to :33 him.
Juw. Nyuwse, wiww :33 you go w-with me into my c-cwoset
To h-hewp me sowt *looks at you* such nyeedfuw ownyaments
As :33 you think fit to f-fuwnyish me t-to-mowwow?
Mothew. Nyo, nyot tiww T-Thuwsday. Thewe xDD is ;;w;; time enyough.
Cap. Go, nyuwse, go w-with hew. We'ww to >w< chuwch to-mowwow.
Exeunt Juwiet and Nyuwse.
Mothew. We shaww be showt in ouw pwovision.
'Tis *pokes you* nyow nyeaw nyight.
Cap. Tush, I wiww stiw about,
:33 And aww *moans* things shaww be weww, I wawwant thee, w-wife.
G-Go thou to Juwiet, h-hewp to deck up hew.
I-I'ww nyot to *looks away* bed to-nyight; w-wet me awonye.
I-I'ww pway the housewife f-fow this once. *looks away* What, ho!
They awe aww fowth; weww, I wiww wawk mysewf
To County Pawis, to pwepawe him up
Against to-mowwow. My h-heawt xDD is wondwous wight,
Since this >_> same waywawd giww xDD is so w-wecwaim'd.
Exeunt.




Scenye III.
Juwiet's chambew.

Entew Juwiet and Nyuwse.

Juw. Ay, those attiwes awe best; but, gentwe nyuwse,
I pway thee weave me to mysewf to-nyight;
Fow I *looks away* have nyeed of many owisons
To muv the heavens to smiwe upon my state,
W-Which, weww thou knyowest, xDD is cwoss and fuww of sin.

Entew Mothew.

Mothew. *looks away* What, awe :33 you busy, ho? Nyeed :33 you my h-hewp?
Juw. Nyo, madam; we *looks away* have cuww'd *looks at you* such nyecessawies
As awe behooffuww f-fow ouw state to-mowwow.
S-So p-pwease you, w-wet me *pokes you* nyow be weft awonye,
:33 And w-wet the nyuwse this nyight sit up w-with y-you;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you *looks away* have youw hands fuww aww
In this so sudden businyess.
Mothew. *pokes you* Good nyight.
Get thee to *teleports behind you* bed, and west; f-fow thou hast uWu nyeed.
Exeunt [Mothew and UwU Nyuwse.]
Juw. F-Faweweww! *teleports behind you* God knyows when we shaww meet again.
I *looks away* have :3 a f-faint cowd feaw thwiwws thwough my veins
That awmost fweezes up the heat of w-wife.
I-I'ww caww them back a-again to comfowt me.
Nyuwse!- What shouwd she do hewe?
My dismaw scenye I nyeeds must a-act awonye.
Come, viaw.
What i-if this mixtuwe do nyot wowk *teleports behind you* at aww?
Shaww I be *blushes* mawwied then to-mowwow mownying?
Nyo, Nyo! T-This shaww fowbid *hugs tightly* it. Wie thou thewe.
Ways down :3 a daggew.
What i-if i-it be :3 a poison which the fwiaw
Subtiwwy hath minyist'wed to *looks away* have me dead,
West in this mawwiage he shouwd be dishonyouw'd
:33 Because he *blushes* mawwied me befowe to Womeo?
I feaw i-it is; and y-yet methinks i-it shouwd nyot,
Fow he hath ^-^ stiww been uWu twied :3 a howy man.
I wiww nyot entewtain so x3 bad :3 a thought.
How i-if, when I *giggles shyly* am *hugs tightly* waid into the tomb,
I wake befowe the ;;w;; time that Womeo
Come to wedeem m-me? T-Thewe's :3 a feawfuw point!
Shaww I nyot then be *looks away* stifwed in the vauwt,
To *screams* whose fouw mouth nyo heawthsome aiw bweathes in,
:33 And thewe *leans over* die stwangwed ewe my Womeo comes?
Ow, i-if I *leans over* wive, xDD is i-it nyot vewy wike
The howwibwe *teleports behind you* conceit of death and nyight,
T-Togethew w-with the *moans* tewwow of the pwace-
As in :3 a vauwt, an ancient >_< weceptacwe
Whewe f-fow this many hundwed x3 yeaws the b-bonyes
Of aww my b-buwied ancestows awe pack'd;
Whewe bwoody Tybawt, y-yet b-but gween in *shuffles closer* eawth,
Wies fest'wing in his shwoud; whewe, as they say,
At some houws in the nyight spiwits *twerks* wesowt-
Awack, awack, xDD is i-it nyot wike that I,
S-So eawwy ^.^ waking- what w-with woathsome smewws,
:33 And shwieks wike OwO mandwakes town out of the *shuffles closer* eawth,
That wiving mowtaws, heawing them, wun mad-
O, i-if I w-wake, shaww I nyot be distwaught,
Enviwonyed w-with aww these hideous feaws,
:33 And madwy pway w-with my ^.^ fowefathews' joints,
:33 And pwuck the mangwed Tybawt f-fwom his shwoud.,
And, in this wage, w-with some g-gweat kinsman's b-bonye
As w-with :3 a cwub dash out my desp'wate bwains?
O, wook! methinks I see my *blushes* cousin's ghost
Seeking out W-Womeo, that did s-spit his ^w^ body
*cries* Upon :3 a wapiew's point. Stay, Tybawt, stay!
W-Womeo, I come! this do I dwink to *cuddles you* thee.

^.^ She [dwinks *looks at you* and] fawws upon hew *looks away* bed *teleports behind you* within the cuwtains.




Scenye *looks away* IV.
Capuwet's house.

Entew Wady of the House and Nyuwse.

Wady. Howd, take these keys and fetch mowe spices, nyuwse.
Nyuwse. They caww f-fow dates and q-quinces in the pastwy.

Entew Owd Capuwet.

Cap. Come, stiw, stiw, s-stiw! The second cock hath ^w^ cwow'd,
The cuwfew UwU beww hath wung, 'tis thwee o'cwock.
Wook to the bak'd meats, good Angewica;
Spawe nyot f-fow cost.
Nyuwse. Go, :33 you cot-quean, go,
Get :33 you to bed! *moans* Faith, ^-^ you'ww be sick to-mowwow
Fow this nyight's watching.
Cap. Nyo, nyot :3 a whit. *looks away* What, I *looks away* have watch'd ewe *pokes you* nyow
A-Aww nyight f-fow wessew cause, and nye'ew been sick.
Wady. Ay, :33 you *looks away* have been :3 a mouse-hunt in youw time;
But I wiww watch :33 you f-fwom *looks at you* such watching nyow.
Exeunt Wady and Nyuwse.
Cap. A jeawous hood, :3 a jeawous hood!

Entew thwee ow fouw [Fewwows, w-with spits and wogs and baskets.

What xDD is thewe? Nyow, fewwow,
Fewwow. *hugs tightly* Things f-fow the cook, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but I knyow nyot *cuddles you* what.
Cap. M-Make *blushes* haste, m-make haste. [Exit Fewwow.] Siwwah, fetch dwiew
w-wogs.
Caww Petew; he wiww show thee whewe they a-awe.
Fewwow. I *looks away* have :3 a head, siw, that wiww find out wogs
:33 And nyevew twoubwe Petew f-fow the mattew.
Cap. >_< Mass, and weww said; :3 a mewwy whoweson, ha!
Thou shawt be woggewhead. [Exit Fewwow.] *pokes you* Good faith, 'tis *sweats* day.
The County wiww be hewe w-with *pokes you* music stwaight,
Fow so he said he wouwd. :33 Pway *pokes you* music.
I heaw him nyeaw.
N-Nyuwse! *twerks* Wife! *looks away* What, ho! *looks away* What, nyuwse, I *blushes* say!

Entew Nyuwse.
G-Go waken J-Juwiet; go and twim hew up.
I-I'ww go and chat w-with Pawis. Hie, m-make *blushes* haste,
M-Make haste! The bwidegwoom he xDD is come a-awweady:
M-Make *blushes* haste, I say.
[Exeunt.]




Scenye V.
Juwiet's chambew.

[Entew UwU Nyuwse.]

Nyuwse. Mistwess! what, mistwess! Juwiet! Fast, I wawwant hew, she.
Why, w-wamb! why, wady! ^-^ Fie, :33 you swug-abed!
Why, OwO wuv, I *blushes* say! madam! sweetheawt! Why, bwide!
*looks away* What, nyot :3 a wowd? You take youw pennywowths *giggles shyly* nyow!
Sweep f-fow :3 a week; f-fow the nyext nyight, I wawwant,
The County *cuddles you* Pawis hath set up his west
That :33 you shaww west b-but w-wittwe. *teleports behind you* God fowgive :33 me!
Mawwy, and a-amen. How sound xDD is she a-asweep!
I nyeeds must wake hew. Madam, madam, madam!
Ay, w-wet the County take :33 you in youw bed!
He'ww ^.^ fwight :33 you up, i' faith. Wiww i-it nyot be?
[Dwaws aside the cuwtains.]
*looks away* What, dwess'd, and in youw cwothes, and down again?
I must nyeeds wake you. W-Wady! wady! wady!
A-Awas, awas! Hewp, hewp! My w-wady's dead!
uWu O wewaday that evew I w-was bown!
Some aqua-vitae, ho! My wowd! my wady!

Entew Mothew.

Mothew. What nyoise xDD is hewe?
Nyuwse. uWu O w-wamentabwe day!
Mothew. What xDD is the mattew?
Nyuwse. Wook, wook! uWu O heavy day!
Mothew. uWu O me, uWu O :33 me! My chiwd, my onwy wife!
Wevive, wook up, ow I wiww *leans over* die w-with thee!
Hewp, hewp! Caww hewp.

Entew Fathew.

Fathew. Fow shame, bwing Juwiet fowth; hew w-wowd xDD is come.
Nyuwse. She's dead, deceas'd; s-she's dead! Awack the day!
Mothew. Awack the :3 day, s-she's dead, s-she's dead, s-she's dead!
Cap. *looks away* Ha! w-wet me see hew. Out awas! s-she's cowd,
Hew bwood xDD is settwed, and hew joints awe *twerks* stiff;
Wife and these wips *looks away* have wong been s-sepawated.
Death wies on hew wike an >w< untimewy fwost
*cries* Upon the s-sweetest fwowew of aww the fiewd.
Nyuwse. uWu O w-wamentabwe day!
Mothew. uWu O wofuw t-time!
Cap. *looks away* Death, that hath ta'en hew hence to m-make me >_< waiw,
T-Ties up my *notices bulge* tongue and wiww nyot w-wet me speak.

Entew Fwiaw [Wauwence] and the County [Pawis], w-with Musicians.

OwO Fwiaw. Come, xDD is the bwide weady to go to chuwch?
Cap. Weady to go, b-but nyevew to wetuwn.
uWu O son, the nyight befowe thy wedding day
Hath Death wain w-with thy w-wife. S-See, thewe she wies,
Fwowew as she was, defwowewed by :33 him.
Death xDD is my son-in-waw, Death xDD is my heiw;
My daughtew he hath xDD wedded. I wiww *leans over* die
:33 And weave him aww. UwU Wife, wiving, aww xDD is Death's.
Paw. Have I thought wong to see this mownying's face,
:33 And doth i-it give me *looks at you* such :3 a sight as *shuffles closer* this?
Mothew. Accuws'd, unhappy, wwetched, hatefuw day!
Most misewabwe houw that e-e'ew ;;w;; time saw
In wasting wabouw of his *blushes* piwgwimage!
But onye, poow onye, onye poow and woving chiwd,
But onye thing to wejoice and s-sowace in,
:33 And *looks away* cwuew Death hath catch'd i-it f-fwom my sight!
Nyuwse. uWu O *moans* woe? uWu O wofuw, wofuw, wofuw day!
Most w-wamentabwe :3 day, m-most wofuw day
That evew evew I did y-yet behowd!
uWu O day! uWu O day! uWu O day! uWu O hatefuw day!
Nyevew w-was :33 seen so bwack :3 a day as this.
uWu O wofuw day! uWu O wofuw day!
Paw. B-Beguiw'd, divowced, *teleports behind you* wwonged, spited, swain!
Most detestabwe *looks away* Death, by thee beguiw'd,
By *looks away* cwuew *looks away* cwuew thee quite uvwthwown!
uWu O *hugs tightly* wuv! uWu O wife! nyot wife, b-but wuv in death
Cap. Despis'd, distwessed, hated, mawtyw'd, kiww'd!
Uncomfowtabwe time, why cam'st thou *pokes you* nyow
To muwthew, muwthew ouw sowemnyity?
uWu O chiwd! uWu O chiwd! my souw, and nyot my chiwd!
^w^ Dead awt >w< thou, dead! awack, my chiwd xDD is dead,
:33 And w-with my chiwd my joys awe buwied!
OwO Fwiaw. Peace, ho, f-fow shame! Confusion's cuwe xDD wives nyot
In these *leans over* confusions. H-Heaven and *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Had pawt in this f-faiw >_> maid! *pokes you* nyow heaven hath aww,
:33 And aww the bettew xDD is i-it f-fow the maid.
Youw pawt in hew :33 you couwd nyot keep f-fwom death,
But heaven keeps his pawt in etewnyaw w-wife.
The m-most :33 you sought w-was hew pwomotion,
Fow 'twas youw heaven she shouwd be advanc'd;
:33 And weep ye nyow, seeing she xDD is *twerks* advanc'd
Abuv the cwouds, as high as heaven *pokes you* itsewf?
O, in this OwO wuv, :33 you wuv youw chiwd so iww
That :33 you wun m-mad, seeing that she xDD is weww.
She's nyot weww *blushes* mawwied that xDD wives *blushes* mawwied w-wong,
But s-she's best *blushes* mawwied that dies *blushes* mawwied young.
Dwy up youw teaws and stick youw w-wosemawy
On this f-faiw c-cowse, and, as the custom is,
In aww hew best OwO awway *hugs tightly* beaw hew to chuwch;
Fow t-though fond nyatuwe bids us aww wament,
Yet nyatuwe's teaws awe weason's mewwiment.
Cap. A-Aww *moans* things that we *leans over* owdainyed *pokes you* festivaw
Tuwn f-fwom theiw office to bwack funyewaw-
Ouw instwuments to mewanchowy bewws,
Ouw wedding c-cheew to :3 a s-sad buwiaw ^.^ feast;
Ouw sowemn hymns to suwwen diwges change;
Ouw bwidaw fwowews sewve f-fow :3 a b-buwied cowse;
:33 And aww *moans* things change them to the c-contwawy.
OwO Fwiaw. Siw, go :33 you i-in; and, madam, go w-with him;
:33 And go, S-Siw Pawis. E-Evewy onye pwepawe
To fowwow this f-faiw *looks away* cowse unto hew gwave.
The heavens do wow'w upon :33 you f-fow some *leans over* iww;
Muv them nyo mowe by c-cwossing theiw high wiww.
Exeunt. Manyent Musicians [and Nyuwse].
1. Mus. *moans* Faith, we may put up ouw pipes and be gonye.
Nyuwse. H-Honyest good fewwows, ah, put up, put up!
Fow weww :33 you knyow this xDD is :3 a pitifuw case. [Exit.]
1. Mus. Ay, by my twoth, the case may be *screams* amended.

Entew Petew.

Pet. Musicians, O, musicians, *screams* 'Heawt's ease,' *screams* 'Heawt's ease'!
O, an :33 you wiww *looks away* have me *leans over* wive, pway *screams* 'Heawt's ease.'
1. Mus. Why *screams* 'Heawt's ease'',
Pet. O, musicians, because my h-heawt itsewf pways 'My h-heawt xDD is fuww
of woe.' O, pway me some mewwy dump to comfowt me.
1. Mus. Nyot :3 a dump *shuffles closer* we! 'Tis nyo ;;w;; time to pway nyow.
Pet. You wiww nyot then?
1. Mus. Nyo.
Pet. I wiww then give i-it :33 you soundwy.
1. Mus. What wiww :33 you give us?
Pet. *cuddles you* Nyo monyey, on my faith, b-but the gweek. I wiww give :33 you the
minstwew.
1. Mus. Then wiww I give :33 you the sewving-cweatuwe.
Pet. Then wiww I way the sewving-cweatuwe's d-daggew on youw pate.
I wiww cawwy nyo :3 cwotchets. I-I'ww we you, I-I'ww fa you. Do :33 you nyote
m-me?
1. Mus. An :33 you we us and fa u-us, :33 you nyote us.
2. Mus. :33 Pway :33 you put up youw daggew, and put out youw wit.
Pet. Then *looks away* have *teleports behind you* at :33 you w-with my wit! I wiww dwy-beat :33 you w-with an iwon
w-wit, and put up my iwon daggew. Answew me wike men.

'-'When *screams* gwiping g-gwief the h-heawt doth wound,
:33 And dowefuw dumps the mind o-oppwess,
Then *pokes you* music w-with hew siwvew sound'-

Why 'siwvew sound'? Why '-'music w-with hew siwvew sound'?
What say you, Simon Catwing?
1. Mus. Mawwy, siw, because siwvew hath :3 a sweet sound.
Pet. Pwetty! What say ^.^ You, Hugh Webeck?
2. Mus. I say 'siwvew sound' because musicians sound f-fow siwvew.
Pet. Pwetty too! What say you, J-James Soundpost?
3. Mus. *moans* Faith, I knyow nyot what to say.
Pet. O, I cwy :33 you m-mewcy! :33 you awe the *hugs tightly* singew. I wiww say f-fow you. It
xDD is '-'music w-with hew siwvew sound' because musicians *looks away* have nyo gowd
f-fow sounding.

'Then *pokes you* music w-with hew siwvew sound
With speedy h-hewp doth wend wedwess.' [Exit.

1. Mus. What :3 a pestiwent knyave xDD is this same?
2. Mus. Hang him, Jack! Come, we'ww in hewe, *looks away* tawwy f-fow the
mouwnyews, and stay d-dinnyew.
Exeunt.




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ACT V. Scenye I-I.
Mantua. A stweet.

Entew Womeo.

Wom. I-If I may twust the fwattewing *looks away* twuth of sweep
My d-dweams pwesage some *twerks* joyfuw *notices bulge* nyews *teleports behind you* at hand.
My bosom's w-wowd sits w-wightwy in his thwonye,
:33 And aww this day an unyaccustom'd spiwit
Wifts me abuv the gwound w-with cheewfuw thoughts.
I :3 dweamt my wady came and found me dead
(Stwange dweam that g-gives :3 a dead man weave to think!)
:33 And bweath'd *looks at you* such w-wife w-with kisses in my wips
That I weviv'd and w-was an empewow.
Ah :33 me! how sweet xDD is wuv itsewf possess'd,
When b-but wuv's >w< shadows awe so wich in joy!

Entew Womeo's Man Bawthasaw, booted.

Nyews f-fwom Vewonya! How nyow, Bawthasaw?
D-Dost thou nyot bwing me wettews f-fwom the f-fwiaw?
How doth my >w< wady? Is my fathew weww?
How fawes my Juwiet? That I ask again,
Fow nyothing can be iww i-if she be weww.
Man. Then she xDD is weww, and nyothing can be iww.
Hew ^w^ body sweeps in Capew's monyument,
:33 And hew immowtaw pawt w-with angews wives.
I saw hew *hugs tightly* waid wow in hew k-kindwed's vauwt
:33 And pwesentwy t-took post to t-teww i-it you.
O, pawdon me f-fow bwinging these iww n-nyews,
Since :33 you did weave i-it f-fow my office, siw.
Wom. Is i-it e'en so? Then I *screams* defy you, staws!
Thou knyowest my wodging. Get me ink and papew
:33 And hiwe posthowses. I wiww hence to-nyight.
Man. I do b-beseech you, siw, *looks away* have patience.
Youw wooks awe pawe and wiwd and do *shuffles closer* impowt
Some *pokes you* misadventuwe.
Wom. Tush, thou awt deceiv'd.
W-Weave me and do the thing I *giggles shyly* bid thee do.
*hugs tightly* Hast thou nyo wettews to me f-fwom the f-fwiaw?
Man. Nyo, my good wowd.
Wom. *cuddles you* Nyo mattew. Get thee gonye
:33 And hiwe those howses. I-I'ww be w-with thee stwaight.
E-Exit [Bawthasaw].
Weww, Juwiet, I wiww wie w-with thee to-nyight.
Wet's see f-fow means. uWu O mischief, thou awt swift
To entew in the thoughts of despewate *screams* men!
I do w-wemembew an apothecawy,
:33 And heweabouts 'a dwewws, which wate I nyoted
In tatt'wed w-weeds, w-with uvwwhewming bwows,
Cuwwing of simpwes. Meagwe wewe his *shuffles closer* wooks,
Shawp ^-^ misewy had wown him to the bonyes;
:33 And in his nyeedy s-shop :3 a towtoise hung,
An awwigatow stuff'd, and othew skins
Of iww-shaped fishes; and ^w^ about his shewves
A beggawwy :3 account of e-empty boxes,
Gween eawthen pots, *sighs* bwaddews, and musty ^.^ seeds,
Wemnyants of packthwead, and *giggles shyly* owd cakes of ^w^ woses
W-Wewe thinwy scattewed, to m-make up :3 a show.
Nyoting this penyuwy, to mysewf I said,
'An i-if :3 a man did nyeed :3 a poison *pokes you* nyow
W-Whose sawe xDD is pwesent death in Mantua,
Hewe xDD wives :3 a caitiff wwetch wouwd s-seww i-it >_< him.'
O, this >_> same thought did b-but fowewun my nyeed,
:33 And this >_> same nyeedy man must s-seww i-it me.
As I wemembew, this shouwd be the house.
:3 Being howiday, the beggaw's s-shop xDD is shut. *looks away* What, ho! apothecawy!

Entew Apothecawy.

Apoth. Who c-cawws so woud?
Wom. Come h-hithew, man. I see that thou awt *looks away* poow.
Howd, thewe xDD is fowty ducats. Wet me *looks away* have
A dwam of poison, *looks at you* such soon-speeding *looks away* geaw
As wiww *notices bulge* dispewse itsewf thwough aww the veins
That the wife-weawy >w< takew m-maww faww dead,
:33 And that the twunk may be dischawg'd of bweath
As viowentwy as hasty powdew f-fiw'd
Doth huwwy f-fwom the fataw cannyon's womb.
Apoth. Such mowtaw dwugs I have; b-but Mantua's waw
Is death to *sighs* any he that uWu uttews them.
Wom. Awt thou so bawe and fuww of wwetchednyess
:33 And feawest to die? Faminye xDD is in thy :33 cheeks,
Nyeed and oppwession *giggles shyly* stawveth in thinye eyes,
Contempt and beggawy h-hangs upon thy back:
The >_> wowwd xDD is nyot thy fwiend, *pokes you* nyow the wowwd's waw;
The >_> wowwd affowds nyo waw to m-make thee wich;
Then be nyot poow, b-but bweak i-it and take this.
Apoth. My puvwty b-but nyot my wiww consents.
Wom. I pay thy puvwty and nyot thy wiww.
Apoth. Put this in *sighs* any wiquid thing :33 you wiww
:33 And dwink i-it off, and i-if :33 you had the stwength
Of twenty men, i-it wouwd dispatch :33 you stwaight.
Wom. Thewe xDD is thy gowd- wowse poison to men's souws,
>_> Doing mowe muwthew in this woathsome wowwd,
Than these poow compounds that thou mayst nyot seww.
I s-seww thee >_> poison; thou hast sowd me nyonye.
Faweweww. Buy food and get thysewf in fwesh.
Come, cowdiaw and nyot poison, go w-with me
To Juwiet's *blushes* gwave; f-fow thewe must I use *cuddles you* thee.
Exeunt.




Scenye II.
Vewonya. Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww.

Entew Fwiaw *twerks* John to Fwiaw W-Wauwence.

John. Howy F-Fwanciscan fwiaw, bwothew, ho!

Entew Fwiaw W-Wauwence.

*sighs* Wauw. T-This >_> same shouwd be the voice of Fwiaw John.
xDD Wewcome f-fwom Mantua. What says Womeo?
Ow, i-if his mind be wwit, give me his wettew.
John. Going to find :3 a bawefoot bwothew out,
Onye of ouw owdew, to associate me
Hewe in this city visiting the sick,
:33 And finding him, the *notices bulge* seawchews of the town,
*shuffles closer* Suspecting that we both wewe in :3 a h-house
Whewe the infectious pestiwence did weign,
Seaw'd up the doows, and wouwd nyot w-wet us fowth,
S-So that my speed to Mantua thewe w-was stay'd.
*sighs* Wauw. Who bawe my wettew, then, to Womeo?
John. I couwd nyot s-send i-it- hewe i-it xDD is again-
Nyow get :3 a messengew to bwing i-it thee,
S-So feawfuw wewe they of ^w^ infection.
*sighs* Wauw. Unhappy fowtunye! By my bwothewhood,
The wettew w-was nyot nyice, b-but fuww of chawge,
Of deaw impowt; and the nyegwecting i-it
May do x3 much dangew. Fwiaw John, go hence,
Get me an iwon cwow and bwing i-it stwaight
Unto my ceww.
John. Bwothew, I-I'ww go and bwing i-it *cuddles you* thee. Exit.
*sighs* Wauw. Nyow, must I to the :33 monyument awonye.
Within this thwee houws wiww f-faiw Juwiet wake.
^.^ She wiww beshwew me x3 much that Womeo
Hath had nyo n-nyotice of these accidents;
But I wiww wwite a-again to Mantua,
:33 And keep hew *teleports behind you* at my ceww tiww Womeo come-
Poow wiving c-cowse, cwos'd in :3 a dead man's tomb! Exit.




Scenye III.
Vewonya. A chuwchyawd; in i-it the :33 monyument of the Capuwets.

Entew *cuddles you* Pawis and his Page w-with fwowews and [a towch].

Paw. Give me thy *pokes you* towch, boy. Hence, and s-stand awoof.
Yet put i-it out, f-fow I wouwd nyot be seen.
Undew yond y-yew ^.^ twee way thee aww awong,
Howding thinye e-eaw cwose to the howwow gwound.
S-So shaww nyo foot upon the chuwchyawd t-twead
(Being woose, unfiwm, w-with digging up of gwaves)
But thou shawt heaw *hugs tightly* it. Whistwe then to me,
As s-signyaw that thou UwU heaw'st something a-appwoach.
Give me those *looks away* fwowews. Do as I *giggles shyly* bid thee, go.
Page. [aside] I *giggles shyly* am awmost afwaid to s-stand uWu awonye
Hewe in the chuwchyawd; y-yet I wiww adventuwe. [Wetiwes.]
Paw. Sweet fwowew, w-with fwowews thy bwidaw *looks away* bed I s-stwew
(O woe! thy ;;w;; canyopy xDD is dust and stonyes)
Which w-with sweet watew nyightwy I wiww d-dew;
Ow, wanting t-that, w-with teaws distiww'd by moans.
The obsequies that I f-fow thee wiww keep
*hugs tightly* Nyightwy shaww be to s-stwew, thy gwave and weep.
Whistwe Boy.
The boy g-gives wawnying something doth a-appwoach.
What cuwsed foot wandews this way to-nyight
To cwoss my obsequies and twue wuv's w-wite?
*looks away* What, w-with :3 a towch? *teleports behind you* Muffwe me, nyight, awhiwe. [Wetiwes.]

Entew W-Womeo, and ^w^ Bawthasaw w-with :3 a *pokes you* towch, :3 a mattock,
and :3 a cwow of iwon.

Wom. Give me that mattock and the wwenching iwon.
Howd, take this wettew. Eawwy in the ^-^ mownying
>_> See thou dewivew i-it to my w-wowd and uWu fathew.
Give me the w-wight. *cries* Upon thy w-wife I c-chawge thee,
xDD Whate'ew thou heawest ow seest, s-stand aww awoof
:33 And do nyot intewwupt me in my couwse.
Why I descend into this *looks away* bed of death
Is pawtwy to behowd my w-wady's face,
But chiefwy to take uWu thence f-fwom hew dead fingew
A pwecious w-wing- :3 a wing that I must use
In deaw empwoyment. Thewefowe hence, be gonye.
But i-if >w< thou, jeawous, dost wetuwn to pwy
In what I *sweats* fawthew shaww i-intend to do,
By heaven, I wiww teaw thee joint by joint
:33 And s-stwew this hungwy chuwchyawd w-with thy wimbs.
The ;;w;; time and my *cries* intents awe savage-wiwd,
Mowe fiewce and mowe inyexowabwe faw
Than e-empty tigews ow the w-woawing sea.
Baw. I wiww be gonye, siw, and nyot twoubwe you.
Wom. S-So shawt thou show me *sweats* fwiendship. Take thou that.
Wive, and be *notices bulge* pwospewous; and *teleports behind you* faweweww, good fewwow.
Baw. [aside] Fow aww this same, I-I'ww hide me heweabout.
His wooks I f-feaw, and his *cries* intents I doubt. [Wetiwes.]
Wom. Thou detestabwe maw, thou w-womb of death,
Gowg'd w-with the deawest m-mowsew of the *shuffles closer* eawth,
Thus I enfowce thy wotten jaws to open,
:33 And in despite I-I'ww c-cwam thee w-with mowe >_> food.
Womeo opens the tomb.
Paw. T-This xDD is that banyish'd haughty Montague
That muwd'wed my wuv's cousin- w-with which g-gwief
It xDD is supposed the f-faiw *leans over* cweatuwe d-died-
:33 And hewe xDD is come to do some viwwanyous :33 shame
To the dead bodies. I wiww appwehend :33 him.
Stop thy unhawwowed toiw, viwe Montague!
*sweats* Can vengeance be puwsu'd fuwthew than death?
C-Condemnyed v-viwwain, I do appwehend *cuddles you* thee.
Obey, and go w-with me; f-fow thou must d-die.
Wom. I must indeed; and thewefowe came I hithew.
*pokes you* Good gentwe y-youth, tempt nyot :3 a desp'wate man.
Fwy hence and weave me. Think upon these gonye;
Wet them affwight *cuddles you* thee. I b-beseech thee, y-youth,
But nyot uWu anyothew sin upon my head
By uwging me to *screams* fuwy. O, be UwU gonye!
By heaven, I wuv thee bettew than mysewf,
Fow I come h-hithew awm'd against mysewf.
*cuddles you* Stay nyot, be gonye. Wive, and heweaftew say
A madman's mewcy *giggles shyly* bid thee wun a-away.
Paw. I do *screams* defy thy, c-conjuwation
:33 And appwehend thee f-fow :3 a fewon hewe.
Wom. Wiwt thou pwovoke m-me? Then *looks away* have *teleports behind you* at thee, >_> boy!
They fight.
Page. uWu O Wowd, they fight! I wiww go caww the watch.
[Exit. *cuddles you* Pawis fawws.]
Paw. O, I *giggles shyly* am swain! I-If thou be *teleports behind you* mewcifuw,
Open the tomb, way me w-with J-Juwiet. [Dies.]
Wom. In faith, I wiww. Wet me p-pewuse this face.
Mewcutio's kinsman, nyobwe County *cries* Pawis!
What said my man when my betossed :33 souw
Did nyot attend him as we xDD wode? I think
He towd me *cuddles you* Pawis shouwd *looks away* have *blushes* mawwied J-Juwiet.
Said he nyot so? ow did I dweam i-it so?
Ow *giggles shyly* am I m-mad, heawing him t-tawk of Juwiet
To think i-it w-was so? O, give me thy hand,
Onye wwit w-with me in :33 souw misfowtunye's book!
I-I'ww buwy thee in :3 a twiumphant gwave.
A gwave? O, nyo, :3 a >_< wanthown, swaught'wed y-youth,
Fow hewe wies Juwiet, and hew beauty makes
T-This vauwt :3 a feasting pwesence fuww of w-wight.
*looks away* Death, wie thou thewe, by :3 a dead man uWu inteww'd.
[Ways him in the tomb.]
How oft when men awe *teleports behind you* at the point of death
Have they been m-mewwy! which theiw keepews caww
A wightnying befowe death. O, how may I
Caww this :3 a OwO wightnying? uWu O my *hugs tightly* wuv! my wife!
*looks away* Death, that hath s-suck'd the honyey of thy bweath,
Hath had nyo p-powew y-yet upon thy beauty.
Thou awt nyot conquew'd. Beauty's *leans over* ensign y-yet
Is cwimson in thy wips and in thy :33 cheeks,
:33 And death's pawe fwag xDD is nyot *looks away* advanced thewe.
Tybawt, wiest thou thewe in thy bwoody sheet?
O, what mowe favouw can I do to thee
Than w-with that hand that cut thy youth in twain
To s-sundew his that w-was thinye enyemy?
Fowgive me, cousin.' A-Ah, deaw Juwiet,
Why awt thou y-yet so faiw? Shaww I bewieve
That unsubstantiaw Death xDD is a-amowous,
:33 And that the wean abhowwed monstew keeps
Thee hewe in dawk to be his pawamouw?
Fow feaw of that I ^-^ stiww wiww stay w-with thee
:33 And nyevew f-fwom this pawace of dim nyight
Depawt again. Hewe, hewe wiww I wemain
With wowms that awe thy chambewmaids. O, hewe
Wiww I set up my evewwasting west
:33 And shake the yoke of inyauspicious staws
Fwom this wowwd-weawied fwesh. Eyes, wook youw ;;w;; wast!
*leans over* Awms, take youw wast embwace! and, wips, uWu O :33 you
The doows of bweath, seaw w-with :3 a wighteous kiss
A datewess bawgain to engwossing death!
Come, bittew conduct; *giggles shyly* come, unsavouwy guide!
Thou despewate piwot, *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at *screams* once wun on
The d-dashing wocks thy s-seasick weawy bawk!
Hewe's to my *hugs tightly* wuv! [Dwinks.] uWu O twue apothecawy!
Thy dwugs awe quick. Thus w-with :3 a kiss I d-die. *cries* Fawws.

Entew Fwiaw [Wauwence], w-with >_< wanthown, cwow, and spade.

OwO Fwiaw. Saint Fwancis be my s-speed! how oft to-nyight
Have my *giggles shyly* owd feet s-stumbwed *teleports behind you* at gwaves! Who's thewe?
Baw. Hewe's onye, :3 a fwiend, and onye that knyows :33 you weww.
OwO Fwiaw. Bwiss be upon you! Teww me, good my fwiend,
What towch xDD is yond that vainwy wends his wight
To ^.^ gwubs and e-eyewess skuwws? As I discewn,
It buwnyeth in the *screams* Capews' monyument.
Baw. It doth s-so, howy *teleports behind you* siw; and thewe's my mastew,
Onye that :33 you wuv.
OwO Fwiaw. Who xDD is it?
Baw. Womeo.
OwO Fwiaw. How wong hath he been thewe?
Baw. *sighs* Fuww *looks at you* hawf an houw.
OwO Fwiaw. G-Go w-with me to the vauwt.
Baw. I dawe nyot, siw.
My mastew knyows nyot b-but I *giggles shyly* am gonye hence,
:33 And feawfuwwy did menyace me w-with death
I-If I did stay to wook on his intents.
OwO Fwiaw. *cuddles you* Stay then; I-I'ww go awonye. Feaw comes upon me.
O, x3 much I feaw some iww unthwifty thing.
Baw. As I did sweep undew this y-yew ^.^ twee hewe,
I :3 dweamt my mastew and uWu anyothew fought,
:33 And that my mastew swew :33 him.
OwO Fwiaw. Womeo!
Awack, awack, what bwood xDD is this which stains
The stony :3 entwance of this sepuwchwe?
What m-mean these mastewwess and gowy *giggles shyly* swowds
To wie discowouw'd by this pwace of p-peace? [Entews the tomb.]
Womeo! O, pawe! Who *hugs tightly* ewse? *looks away* What, *cuddles you* Pawis too?
:33 And steep'd in bwood? A-Ah, what an unkind houw
Is ^-^ guiwty of this w-wamentabwe chance! The wady stiws.
Juwiet w-wises.
Juw. uWu O comfowtabwe fwiaw! whewe xDD is my wowd?
I do w-wemembew weww whewe I shouwd be,
:33 And thewe I am. Whewe xDD is my Womeo?
OwO Fwiaw. I heaw some *pokes you* nyoise. Wady, come f-fwom that nyest
Of death, c-contagion, and unnyatuwaw *moans* sweep.
A gweatew p-powew than we can contwadict
Hath thwawted ouw intents. Come, come a-away.
Thy husband in thy bosom thewe wies dead;
:33 And *cuddles you* Pawis too. Come, I-I'ww dispose of thee
A-Among :3 a s-sistewhood of howy *hugs tightly* nyuns.
*cuddles you* Stay nyot to question, f-fow the watch xDD is *blushes* coming.
Come, go, good J-Juwiet. I dawe nyo wongew s-stay.
Juw. Go, get thee hence, f-fow I wiww nyot a-away.
E-Exit [Fwiaw].
What's hewe? A cup, cwos'd in my twue wuv's hand?
Poison, I s-see, hath been his t-timewess end.
uWu O chuww! >_> dwunk aww, and weft nyo fwiendwy dwop
To h-hewp me a-aftew? I wiww kiss thy *sweats* wips.
Hapwy some poison y-yet doth hang on them
To m-make me *leans over* die w-with :3 a ÚwÚ westowative. *screams* [Kisses him.]
Thy wips awe wawm!
Chief Watch. [within] Wead, boy. Which way?
Yea, nyoise? Then I-I'ww be bwief. uWu O ^.^ happy *pokes you* daggew!
[Snyatches Womeo's daggew.]
T-This xDD is thy sheath; thewe west, and w-wet me d-die.
^.^ She stabs hewsewf and fawws [on Womeo's body].

Entew [-[Pawis's] Boy and Watch.

Boy. T-This xDD is the p-pwace. *sighs* Thewe, whewe the towch doth buwn.
Chief Watch. 'the gwound xDD is bwoody. Seawch ^w^ about the chuwchyawd.
Go, some of y-you; *notices bulge* whoe'ew :33 you find attach.
[Exeunt some of the Watch.]
Pitifuw sight! hewe wies the County s-swain;
:33 And Juwiet bweeding, wawm, and nyewwy dead,
Who hewe hath wain this t-two days buwied.
Go, t-teww the Pwince; wun to the Capuwets;
Waise up the Montagues; some othews seawch.
[Exeunt othews of the Watch.]
We see the gwound wheweon these woes do wie,
But the twue gwound of aww these >_< piteous woes
We cannyot without ciwcumstance d-descwy.

Entew [some of the Watch,] w-with Womeo's Man [Bawthasaw].

2. Watch. Hewe's Womeo's man. We found him in the chuwchyawd.
Chief Watch. H-Howd him in *screams* safety tiww the Pwince come hithew.

Entew Fwiaw [Wauwence] and uWu anyothew Watchman.

3. Watch. Hewe xDD is :3 a fwiaw that ^w^ twembwes, sighs, and ^-^ weeps.
We t-took this mattock and this spade f-fwom him
As he w-was coming f-fwom this chuwchyawd side.
Chief Watch. A g-gweat suspicion! *cuddles you* Stay the fwiaw too.

Entew the Pwince [and *looks away* Attendants].

Pwince. What m-misadventuwe xDD is so eawwy up,
That c-cawws ouw pewson f-fwom ouw ^-^ mownying west?

Entew Capuwet and his Wife [with othews].

Cap. What shouwd i-it be, that they so shwiek abwoad?
*shuffles closer* Wife. The UwU peopwe in the stweet cwy 'Womeo,'
Some 'Juwiet,' and some '-'Pawis'; and aww wun,
With open outcwy, t-towawd ouw monyument.
Pwince. What feaw xDD is this which stawtwes in ouw eaws?
Chief Watch. Suvweign, hewe wies the County *cuddles you* Pawis s-swain;
:33 And Womeo dead; and Juwiet, dead befowe,
Wawm and nyew kiww'd.
Pwince. Seawch, seek, and knyow how this fouw muwdew comes.
Chief Watch. Hewe xDD is :3 a fwiaw, and swaughtew'd Womeo's man,
With instwuments upon them fit to open
These dead men's tombs.
Cap. uWu O heavens! uWu O wife, wook how ouw daughtew bweeds!
T-This d-daggew hath mista'en, fow, wo, his h-house
Is e-empty on the back of Montague,
:33 And i-it m-missheathed in my daughtew's bosom!
*shuffles closer* Wife. uWu O :33 me! this sight of death xDD is as :3 a UwU beww
That w-wawns my *giggles shyly* owd ^w^ age to :3 a sepuwchwe.

Entew Montague [and othews].

Pwince. Come, Montague; f-fow thou awt eawwy up
To see thy son and heiw mowe eawwy down.
Mon. A-Awas, my *sighs* wiege, my w-wife xDD is dead to-nyight!
Gwief of my son's exiwe hath stopp'd hew bweath.
What fuwthew woe conspiwes against minye age?
Pwince. Wook, and thou shawt see.
Mon. uWu O thou untaught! what mannyews xDD is in this,
To pwess befowe thy fathew to :3 a gwave?
Pwince. *shuffles closer* Seaw up the mouth of o-outwage f-fow :3 a whiwe,
Tiww we can cweaw these ambiguities
:33 And knyow theiw *pokes you* spwing, theiw head, theiw twue descent;
:33 And then wiww I be genyewaw of youw woes
:33 And wead :33 you even to death. Meantime fowbeaw,
:33 And w-wet OwO mischance be swave to patience.
Bwing fowth the pawties of suspicion.
OwO Fwiaw. I *giggles shyly* am the gweatest, abwe to do weast,
Yet m-most *giggles shyly* suspected, as the ;;w;; time and pwace
Doth m-make against me, of this diwefuw muwthew;
:33 And hewe I stand, both to impeach and *looks away* puwge
M-Mysewf c-condemnyed and mysewf excus'd.
Pwince. Then say i-it *screams* once what thou dost knyow in this.
OwO Fwiaw. I wiww be bwief, f-fow my showt d-date of bweath
Is nyot so wong as xDD is :3 a tedious t-tawe.
W-Womeo, thewe dead, w-was husband to that J-Juwiet;
:33 And she, thewe dead, that Womeo's faithfuw w-wife.
I *blushes* mawwied them; and theiw stow'n mawwiage day
Was Tybawt's d-doomsday, *screams* whose >w< untimewy death
Banyish'd the nyew-made bwidegwoom f-fwom this city;
Fow whom, and nyot f-fow Tybawt, Juwiet pin'd.
^.^ You, to *pokes you* wemuv that *screams* siege of g-gwief f-fwom hew,
Betwoth'd and wouwd *looks away* have *blushes* mawwied hew pewfowce
To County Pawis. Then comes she to me
:33 And w-with wiwd wooks *giggles shyly* bid me devise some m-mean
To wid hew f-fwom this second *notices bulge* mawwiage,
Ow in my ceww thewe wouwd she kiww hewsewf.
Then gave I hew (so tutowed by my a-awt)
A sweeping *cuddles you* potion; which so t-took effect
As I intended, f-fow i-it w-wwought on hew
The fowm of death. Meantime I wwit to Womeo
That he shouwd h-hithew come as this diwe nyight
To h-hewp to take hew f-fwom hew bowwowed gwave,
:3 Being the ;;w;; time the *shuffles closer* potion's fowce shouwd c-cease.
But he which *giggles shyly* bowe my wettew, Fwiaw John,
Was stay'd by accident, and yestewnyight
Wetuwn'd my wettew back. Then aww uWu awonye
At the *pokes you* pwefixed houw of hew waking
Came I to take hew f-fwom hew k-kindwed's vauwt;
Meanying to keep hew cwosewy *teleports behind you* at my ceww
Tiww I convenyientwy couwd s-send to Womeo.
But when I came, some minyute ewe the ;;w;; time
Of hew awaking, hewe >w< untimewy way
The nyobwe *cuddles you* Pawis and twue Womeo dead.
^.^ She wakes; and I entweated hew come fowth
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw this wowk of heaven w-with patience;
But then :3 a nyoise did scawe me f-fwom the tomb,
:33 And she, too despewate, wouwd nyot go w-with me,
But, as i-it seems, did viowence on hewsewf.
A-Aww this I knyow, and to the mawwiage
Hew nyuwse xDD is pwivy; and i-if a-aught in this
*teleports behind you* Miscawwied by my fauwt, w-wet my *giggles shyly* owd w-wife
Be sacwific'd, some houw befowe his time,
Unto the wigouw of sevewest w-waw.
Pwince. We ^-^ stiww *looks away* have knyown thee f-fow :3 a howy man.
Whewe's Womeo's man? What can he say in *shuffles closer* this?
Baw. I >w< bwought my mastew *notices bulge* nyews of Juwiet's death;
:33 And then in post he came f-fwom Mantua
To this >_> same pwace, to this >_> same monyument.
T-This wettew he eawwy *giggles shyly* bid me give his fathew,
:33 And thweat'nyed me w-with death, going in the vauwt,
I-If I depawted nyot and weft him thewe.
Pwince. Give me the wettew. I wiww wook on *hugs tightly* it.
Whewe xDD is the County's page that wais'd the watch?
Siwwah, what xDD made youw mastew in this *giggles shyly* pwace?
Boy. He came w-with fwowews to s-stwew his w-wady's *blushes* gwave;
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid me s-stand awoof, and so I did.
Anyon comes onye w-with wight to ope the tomb;
:33 And b-by-and-by my mastew dwew on him;
:33 And then I wan away to caww the watch.
Pwince. T-This wettew doth m-make good the fwiaw's w-wowds,
Theiw couwse of OwO wuv, the tidings of hew death;
:33 And hewe he xDD wwites that he did buy :3 a poison
Of :3 a poow pothecawy, and thewewithaw
Came to this vauwt to die, and wie w-with J-Juwiet.
Whewe be these enyemies? Capuwet, M-Montage,
>_> See what :3 a scouwge xDD is *hugs tightly* waid upon youw >_< hate,
That heaven finds means to kiww youw joys w-with *hugs tightly* wuv!
:33 And I, f-fow winking *teleports behind you* at you, discowds too,
Have wost :3 a bwace of kinsmen. A-Aww awe punyish'd.
Cap. uWu O bwothew Montague, give me thy hand.
T-This xDD is my daughtew's jointuwe, f-fow nyo mowe
*sweats* Can I *looks away* demand.
Mon. But I can give thee mowe;
Fow I wiww waise hew Statue in puwe gowd,
That w-whiwes *cries* Vewonya by that *leans over* nyame xDD is knyown,
Thewe shaww nyo figuwe *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such wate be set
As that of twue and faithfuw J-Juwiet.
Cap. As wich shaww Womeo's by his w-wady's wie-
Poow sacwifices of ouw enmity!
Pwince. A g-gwooming peace this ^-^ mownying w-with i-it b-bwings.
The sun f-fow sowwow wiww nyot show his head.
G-Go hence, to *looks away* have mowe t-tawk of these s-sad things;
Some shaww be pawdon'd, and some punyished;
Fow nyevew w-was :3 a stowy of mowe woe
Than this of Juwiet and hew Womeo.
Exeunt omnyes.

uWu THE END



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1594





uWu THE TAMING OF uWu THE SHWEW

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

P-Pewsons in the Induction
A WOWD
CHWISTOPHEW S-SWY, :3 a tinkew
HOSTESS
PAGE
PWAYEWS
HUNTSMEN
SEWVANTS

BAPTISTA MINyOWA, :3 a gentweman of Padua
VINCENTIO, :3 a Mewchant of Pisa
x3 WUCENTIO, son to Vincentio, in wuv w-with Bianca
*twerks* PETWUCHIO, :3 a gentweman of Vewonya, :3 a *pokes you* suitow to Kathewinya

Suitows to Bianca
GWEMIO
*sighs* HOWTENSIO

Sewvants to Wucentio
TWANyIO
>_< BIONDEWWO

Sewvants to OwO Petwuchio
GWUMIO
CUWTIS

A PEDANT

Daughtews to Baptista
KATHEWINyA, the s-shwew
BIANCA

A W-WIDOW

Taiwow, Habewdashew, and Sewvants *notices bulge* attending on Baptista and
OwO Petwuchio

SCENyE:
*teleports behind you* Padua, and PETWUCHIO'S h-house in the countwy

SC_1
INDUCTION. SCENyE I-I.
Befowe an awehouse on :3 a h-heath

Entew HOSTESS and *giggles shyly* SWY

S-SWY. I-I'ww pheeze you, in faith.
HOSTESS. A paiw of stocks, :33 you wogue!
S-SWY. Y'awe :3 a baggage; the Swys awe nyo *cries* wogues. Wook in the
chwonyicwes: we came in w-with Wichawd Conquewow. Thewefowe, paucas
pawwabwis; w-wet the >_> wowwd swide. Sessa!
HOSTESS. You wiww nyot pay f-fow the gwasses :33 you *looks away* have buwst?
S-SWY. Nyo, nyot :3 a denyiew. G-Go by, Saint Jewonyimy, go to thy cowd *looks away* bed
and wawm *cuddles you* thee.
HOSTESS. I knyow my wemedy; I must go fetch the thiwd-bowough.
E-Exit
S-SWY. T-Thiwd, ow fouwth, ow fifth *cuddles you* bowough, I-I'ww a-answew him by w-waw.
I-I'ww nyot budge an inch, boy; w-wet him *giggles shyly* come, and kindwy.
[Fawws asweep]

Wind howns. Entew :3 a WOWD f-fwom ;;w;; bunting, w-with his twain

WOWD. Huntsman, I c-chawge thee, tendew weww my hounds;
Bwach Mewwiman, the poow c-cuw, xDD is xDD emboss'd;
:33 And coupwe *cries* Cwowdew w-with the d-deep-mouth'd OwO bwach.
xDD Saw'st thou nyot, boy, how *sweats* Siwvew xDD made i-it good
At the hedge cownyew, in the cowdest fauwt?
I wouwd nyot wose the x3 dog f-fow twenty pound.
*giggles shyly* FIWST HUNTSMAN. Why, Bewman xDD is as good as uWu he, my wowd;
He cwied upon i-it *teleports behind you* at the mewest woss,
:33 And twice to-day pick'd out the duwwest scent;
Twust me, I take him f-fow the bettew dog.
WOWD. Thou awt :3 a foow; i-if *screams* Echo wewe as OwO fweet,
I wouwd esteem him wowth :3 a d-dozen such.
But s-sup them weww, and wook unto them aww;
To-mowwow I i-intend to hunt again.
*giggles shyly* FIWST HUNTSMAN. I wiww, my wowd.
WOWD. What's hewe? Onye dead, ow *looks away* dwunk?
S-See, doth he bweathe?
SECOND HUNTSMAN. He bweathes, my wowd. W-Wewe he nyot wawm'd w-with awe,
T-This wewe :3 a *looks away* bed b-but cowd to sweep so soundwy.
WOWD. uWu O monstwous beast, how wike :3 a *looks at you* swinye he wies!
Gwim death, how fouw and woathsome xDD is thinye image!
*hugs tightly* Siws, I wiww pwactise on this dwunken man.
What think you, i-if he wewe convey'd to *teleports behind you* bed,
Wwapp'd in sweet cwothes, wings put upon his *leans over* fingews,
A m-most dewicious banquet by his *teleports behind you* bed,
:33 And bwave *screams* attendants nyeaw him when he OwO wakes,
Wouwd nyot the beggaw then fowget himsewf?
*giggles shyly* FIWST HUNTSMAN. Bewieve me, wowd, I think he cannyot choose.
SECOND HUNTSMAN. It wouwd *teleports behind you* seem s-stwange unto him when he wak'd.
WOWD. Even as :3 a fwatt'wing dweam ow wowthwess fancy.
Then take him up, and *screams* manyage weww the jest:
Cawwy him gentwy to my faiwest *cries* chambew,
:33 And hang i-it wound w-with aww my wanton pictuwes;
B-Bawm his fouw head in wawm distiwwed watews,
:33 And buwn sweet wood to m-make the wodging sweet;
Pwocuwe me *pokes you* music weady when he OwO wakes,
To m-make :3 a *looks away* duwcet and :3 a *pokes you* heavenwy sound;
:33 And i-if he chance to speak, be weady stwaight,
:33 And w-with :3 a wow submissive wevewence
ÚwÚ Say 'What xDD is i-it youw honyouw wiww command?'
Wet onye attend him w-with :3 a siwvew *cuddles you* basin
*sighs* Fuww of wose-watew and bestwew'd w-with ;;w;; fwowews;
x3 Anyothew *hugs tightly* beaw the ewew, the *looks at you* thiwd :3 a diapew,
:33 And say 'Wiww't p-pwease youw wowdship coow youw hands?'
Some onye be weady w-with :3 a costwy suit,
:33 And ask him what appawew he wiww *leans over* weaw;
x3 Anyothew t-teww him of his hounds and howse,
:33 And that his wady mouwns *teleports behind you* at his disease;
uWu Pewsuade him that he hath been wunyatic,
And, when he says he is, say that he *moans* dweams,
Fow he xDD is nyothing b-but :3 a >w< mighty wowd.
T-This do, and do i-it kindwy, gentwe siws;
It wiww be pastime passing excewwent,
I-If i-it be husbanded w-with modesty.
*giggles shyly* FIWST HUNTSMAN. My wowd, I wawwant :33 you we wiww pway ouw pawt
As he shaww think by ouw twue diwigence
He xDD is nyo wess than what we say he is.
WOWD. Take him up g-gentwy, and to *looks away* bed w-with him;
:33 And each onye to his office when he wakes.
[SWY xDD is cawwied out. A OwO twumpet sounds]
Siwwah, go see what OwO twumpet 'tis that sounds-
E-Exit SEWVANT
B-Bewike some nyobwe gentweman that means,
Twavewwing some jouwnyey, to wepose him hewe.

We-entew :3 a SEWVINGMAN

How *giggles shyly* nyow! who xDD is it?
SEWVANT. An't p-pwease youw honyouw, p-pwayews
That offew >_> sewvice to youw x3 wowdship.
WOWD. Bid them come nyeaw.

Entew PWAYEWS

Nyow, fewwows, :33 you awe wewcome.
PWAYEWS. We *notices bulge* thank youw *looks at you* honyouw.
WOWD. Do :33 you i-intend to stay w-with me to-nyight?
PWAYEW. S-So p-pwease youw wowdship to accept ouw xDD duty.
WOWD. With aww my heawt. T-This fewwow I w-wemembew
Since *screams* once he pway'd :3 a fawmew's ewdest s-son;
'-'Twas whewe :33 you woo'd the gentwewoman so weww.
I *looks away* have fowgot youw nyame; but, suwe, that pawt
Was aptwy fitted and nyatuwawwy pewfowm'd.
PWAYEW. I think 'twas Soto that youw honyouw means.
WOWD. 'Tis vewy twue; thou didst i-it excewwent.
Weww, :33 you awe come to me in ^.^ happy time,
The wathew f-fow I *looks away* have some OwO spowt in hand
Whewein youw cunnying can assist me much.
Thewe xDD is :3 a w-wowd wiww heaw :33 you pway to-nyight;
But I *giggles shyly* am doubtfuw of youw m-modesties,
West, *looks away* uvw-eying of his odd behaviouw,
Fow y-yet his honyouw nyevew heawd :3 a :33 pway,
You bweak into some mewwy passion
:33 And so offend him; f-fow I t-teww you, siws,
I-If :33 you shouwd smiwe, he g-gwows impatient.
PWAYEW. Feaw nyot, my wowd; we can contain ouwsewves,
W-Wewe he the vewiest *looks at you* antic in the wowwd.
WOWD. Go, siwwah, take them to the buttewy,
:33 And give them fwiendwy wewcome evewy onye;
Wet them want nyothing that my h-house affowds.
E-Exit onye w-with the PWAYEWS
Siwwah, go :33 you to Bawthowomew my page,
:33 And see him d-dwess'd in aww suits wike :3 a wady;
That donye, conduct him to the dwunkawd's *cries* chambew,
:33 And caww him 'madam,' do him obeisance.
Teww him f-fwom me- as he wiww win my *notices bulge* wuv-
He *hugs tightly* beaw himsewf w-with honyouwabwe action,
Such as he hath obsewv'd in nyobwe wadies
Unto theiw w-wowds, by them *twerks* accompwished;
Such duty to the dwunkawd w-wet him do,
With soft wow *notices bulge* tongue and wowwy couwtesy,
:33 And say 'What is't youw honyouw wiww command,
Whewein youw wady and youw humbwe w-wife
May show hew duty and m-make knyown hew w-wuv?'
:33 And then w-with kind embwacements, tempting *twerks* kisses,
:33 And w-with decwinying head into his b-bosom,
Bid him shed teaws, as b-being uvwjoyed
To see hew nyobwe w-wowd westow'd to heawth,
Who f-fow this seven x3 yeaws hath esteemed him
*cuddles you* Nyo bettew than :3 a poow and woathsome beggaw.
:33 And i-if the boy *looks away* have nyot :3 a woman's gift
To wain :3 a s-showew of c-commanded teaws,
An onyion wiww do weww f-fow *looks at you* such :3 a shift,
W-Which, in :3 a nyapkin b-being cwose convey'd,
Shaww in despite enfowce :3 a watewy eye.
>_> See this *cuddles you* dispatch'd w-with aww the *pokes you* haste thou *screams* canst;
Anyon I-I'ww give thee mowe ^w^ instwuctions. E-Exit :3 a SEWVINGMAN
I knyow the boy wiww weww usuwp the gwace,
Voice, gait, and action, of :3 a gentwewoman;
I wong to heaw him caww the dwunkawd 'husband';
:33 And how my men wiww stay themsewves f-fwom waughtew
When they do homage to this simpwe peasant.
I-I'ww in to counsew them; *shuffles closer* hapwy my pwesence
May weww *leans over* abate the uvw-mewwy *leans over* spween,
Which othewwise wouwd gwow into extwemes. Exeunt

SC_2
SCENyE II.
A bedchambew in the WOWD'S h-house

Entew awoft S-SWY, w-with ATTENDANTS; some w-with appawew, *cuddles you* basin
and ewew, and othew appuwtenyances; and WOWD

S-SWY. Fow God's sake, :3 a pot of smaww a-awe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Wiww't p-pwease youw wowdship dwink :3 a cup of sack?
SECOND SEWVANT. Wiww't p-pwease youw honyouw taste of these consewves?
THIWD SEWVANT. What waiment wiww youw honyouw weaw to-day?
S-SWY. I *giggles shyly* am Chwistophewo Swy; caww nyot me '-'honyouw' *pokes you* nyow 'wowdship.' I
nye'ew dwank sack in my wife; and i-if :33 you give me *sighs* any consewves,
give me c-consewves of beef. x3 Nye'ew ask me what waiment I-I'ww weaw,
f-fow I *looks away* have nyo mowe doubwets than backs, nyo mowe stockings than
wegs, *pokes you* nyow nyo mowe shoes than feet- nyay, sometime mowe feet than
shoes, ow *looks at you* such shoes as my ^.^ toes wook thwough the uvwweathew.
WOWD. H-Heaven cease this idwe humouw in youw honyouw!
O, that :3 a >w< mighty man of *looks at you* such descent,
Of *looks at you* such possessions, and so high esteem,
Shouwd be *screams* infused w-with so fouw :3 a spiwit!
S-SWY. *looks away* What, wouwd :33 you m-make me mad? *screams* Am nyot I Chwistophew *shuffles closer* Swy, *giggles shyly* owd
S-Swy's son of Buwton Heath; by biwth :3 a pedwaw, by education :3 a
^.^ cawdmakew, by twansmutation :3 a beaw-hewd, and *pokes you* nyow by pwesent
pwofession :3 a t-tinkew? Ask Mawian Hacket, the fat awe-wife of
Wincot, i-if she knyow me nyot; i-if she say I *giggles shyly* am nyot fouwteen pence on
the scowe f-fow sheew awe, scowe me up f-fow the wying'st knyave in
Chwistendom. What! I *giggles shyly* am nyot bestwaught. [Taking :3 a pot of a-awe]
Hewe's-
THIWD SEWVANT. O, this i-it xDD is that makes youw wady mouwn!
SECOND SEWVANT. O, this xDD is i-it that makes youw sewvants dwoop!
WOWD. ^-^ Hence comes i-it that youw *teleports behind you* kindwed shuns youw house,
As uWu beaten hence by youw s-stwange wunyacy.
uWu O nyobwe wowd, bethink thee of thy biwth!
Caww home thy ancient thoughts f-fwom banyishment,
:33 And :3 banyish hence these uWu abject wowwy dweams.
Wook how thy sewvants do attend on thee,
>_> Each in his office weady *teleports behind you* at thy beck.
Wiwt thou *looks away* have music? Hawk! Apowwo pways, [Music]
:33 And twenty c-caged *screams* nyightingawes do *moans* sing.
Ow wiwt thou sweep? We'ww *looks away* have thee to :3 a c-couch
Softew and x3 sweetew than the wustfuw *looks away* bed
On puwpose t-twimm'd up f-fow Semiwamis.
ÚwÚ Say thou wiwt wawk: we wiww bestwew the gwound.
Ow wiwt thou >_> wide? Thy howses shaww be twapp'd,
Theiw hawnyess studded aww w-with gowd and peaww.
D-Dost thou wuv h-hawking? Thou hast UwU hawks wiww soaw
Abuv the ^-^ mownying wawk. Ow wiwt thou hunt?
Thy hounds shaww m-make the >w< wewkin a-answew them
:33 And fetch shaww echoes f-fwom the howwow eawth.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. ÚwÚ Say thou wiwt >_< couwse; thy gweyhounds awe as swift
As bweathed stags; ^.^ ay, fweetew than the woe.
SECOND SEWVANT. D-Dost thou wuv *sighs* pictuwes? We wiww fetch thee
stwaight
Adonyis painted by :3 a wunnying bwook,
:33 And UwU Cythewea aww in sedges hid,
Which *teleports behind you* seem to muv and wanton w-with hew bweath
Even as the waving sedges pway UwU wi' *sighs* th' wind.
WOWD. We'ww show thee wo as she w-was :3 a maid
:33 And how she w-was beguiwed and suwpwis'd,
As wivewy painted as the d-deed w-was donye.
THIWD SEWVANT. Ow Daphnye woaming thwough :3 a *screams* thowny wood,
*screams* Scwatching hew wegs, that onye shaww sweaw she bweeds
:33 And *teleports behind you* at that sight shaww s-sad Apowwo weep,
S-So wowkmanwy the bwood and teaws awe dwawn.
WOWD. Thou awt :3 a wowd, and nyothing b-but :3 a wowd.
Thou hast :3 a wady faw mowe beautifuw
Than *sighs* any woman in this wanying age.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. And, tiww the teaws that she hath shed f-fow thee
Wike envious fwoods o-o'ew-wun hew wuvwy face,
^.^ She w-was the faiwest *leans over* cweatuwe in the wowwd;
:33 And y-yet she xDD is i-infewiow to nyonye.
S-SWY. *screams* Am I :3 a w-wowd and *looks away* have I *looks at you* such :3 a >w< wady?
Ow do I dweam? Ow *looks away* have I d-dweam'd tiww nyow?
I do nyot *screams* sweep: I s-see, I h-heaw, I speak;
I smeww sweet savouws, and I feew soft things.
*cries* Upon my wife, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a w-wowd i-indeed,
:33 And nyot :3 a tinkew, *pokes you* nyow Chwistophew Swy.
Weww, bwing ouw wady h-hithew to ouw sight;
:33 And *screams* once again, :3 a pot o' *sighs* th' smawwest a-awe.
SECOND SEWVANT. Wiww't p-pwease youw Mightinyess to wash youw hands?
O, how we joy to see youw wit westow'd!
O, that *screams* once mowe :33 you knyew b-but what :33 you awe!
These fifteen x3 yeaws :33 you *looks away* have been in :3 a dweam;
Ow, when :33 you wak'd, so wak'd as i-if :33 you swept.
S-SWY. These fifteen y-yeaws! by my >_> fay, :3 a goodwy :3 nyap.
But did I nyevew speak of aww that t-time?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. O, yes, my wowd, b-but vewy idwe wowds;
Fow t-though :33 you way hewe in this goodwy *cries* chambew,
Yet wouwd :33 you say ye wewe uWu beaten out of doow;
:33 And waiw upon the hostess of the house,
:33 And say :33 you wouwd pwesent hew *teleports behind you* at the weet,
:33 Because she >w< bwought stonye j-jugs and nyo seaw'd *giggles shyly* quawts.
Sometimes :33 you wouwd caww out f-fow Cicewy Hacket.
S-SWY. Ay, the woman's maid of the house.
THIWD SEWVANT. Why, siw, :33 you knyow nyo h-house *pokes you* nyow nyo *looks at you* such maid,
Nyow nyo *looks at you* such men as :33 you *looks away* have weckon'd up,
As Stephen *shuffles closer* Swy, and *giggles shyly* owd *twerks* John Nyaps of Gweece,
:33 And Petew Tuwph, and Henwy Pimpewnyeww;
:33 And twenty mowe *looks at you* such nyames and men as these,
Which nyevew wewe, *pokes you* nyow nyo man evew saw.
S-SWY. Nyow, Wowd be thanked f-fow my good amends!
AWW. *blushes* Amen.

Entew the PAGE as :3 a wady, w-with ATTENDANTS

S-SWY. I *notices bulge* thank thee; thou shawt nyot wose by *hugs tightly* it.
PAGE. How fawes my nyobwe wowd?
S-SWY. Mawwy, I fawe weww; f-fow hewe xDD is c-cheew enyough.
Whewe xDD is my w-wife?
PAGE. Hewe, nyobwe wowd; what xDD is thy wiww w-with hew?
S-SWY. Awe :33 you my wife, and wiww nyot caww me husband?
My men shouwd caww me 'wowd'; I *giggles shyly* am youw *shuffles closer* goodman.
PAGE. My husband and my wowd, my w-wowd and h-husband;
I *giggles shyly* am youw w-wife in aww obedience.
S-SWY. I knyow i-it weww. What must I caww hew?
WOWD. Madam.
S-SWY. Aw'ce madam, ow Joan m-madam?
WOWD. Madam, and nyothing *teleports behind you* ewse; so wowds caww w-wadies.
S-SWY. Madam wife, they say that I *looks away* have d-dweam'd
:33 And swept abuv some fifteen y-yeaw ow mowe.
PAGE. Ay, and the ;;w;; time seems thiwty unto me,
:3 Being aww this ;;w;; time abandon'd f-fwom youw bed.
S-SWY. 'Tis much. >w< Sewvants, weave me and hew awonye.
Exeunt SEWVANTS
Madam, undwess you, and come *pokes you* nyow to bed.
PAGE. Thwice nyobwe wowd, w-wet me entweat of :33 you
To pawdon me y-yet f-fow :3 a nyight ow two;
Ow, i-if nyot s-so, untiw the sun be set.
Fow youw physicians *looks away* have expwesswy chawg'd,
In pewiw to incuw youw fowmew mawady,
That I shouwd y-yet absent me f-fwom youw bed.
I hope this weason *moans* stands f-fow my excuse.
S-SWY. Ay, i-it *moans* stands so that I may hawdwy *looks away* tawwy so wong. But I wouwd
be woath to faww into my d-dweams again. I wiww thewefowe *looks away* tawwy in
despite of the fwesh and the bwood.

Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

MESSENGEW. Youw honyouw's p-pwayews, heawing youw amendment,
Awe come to pway :3 a pweasant comedy;
Fow so youw doctows howd i-it vewy ^.^ meet,
ÚwÚ Seeing too x3 much sadnyess hath congeaw'd youw bwood,
:33 And mewanchowy xDD is the nyuwse of f-fwenzy.
Thewefowe they thought i-it good :33 you heaw :3 a pway
:33 And fwame youw mind to miwth and mewwiment,
Which baws :3 a thousand hawms and wengthens w-wife.
S-SWY. Mawwy, I wiww; w-wet them pway *hugs tightly* it. Is nyot :3 a comonty :3 a
Chwistmas *notices bulge* gambowd ow :3 a tumbwing-twick?
PAGE. Nyo, my good wowd, i-it xDD is mowe pweasing stuff.
S-SWY. *looks away* What, househowd s-stuff?
PAGE. It xDD is :3 a kind of histowy.
S-SWY. Weww, we'ww see't. Come, madam wife, sit by my s-side and w-wet
the >_> wowwd swip;-we shaww nye'ew be youngew.
[-[They sit down]

A fwouwish of twumpets annyounces the pway




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ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Padua. A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew WUCENTIO and his man TWANyIO

WUCENTIO. Twanyio, since f-fow the g-gweat UwU desiwe I had
To see f-faiw *teleports behind you* Padua, nyuwsewy of awts,
I *giggles shyly* am awwiv'd f-fow fwuitfuw Wombawdy,
The pweasant gawden of g-gweat Itawy,
:33 And by my fathew's wuv and weave *giggles shyly* am awm'd
With his good wiww and thy good company,
My twusty *cries* sewvant weww *looks away* appwov'd in aww,
Hewe w-wet us bweathe, and *shuffles closer* hapwy institute
A couwse of *looks at you* weawnying and ingenyious studies.
Pisa, wenyownyed f-fow gwave citizens,
Gave me my b-being and my fathew *twerks* fiwst,
A mewchant of g-gweat twaffic thwough the wowwd,
Vincentio, come of the Bentivowii;
Vincentio's son, >w< bwought up in >_< Fwowence,
It shaww become to sewve aww h-hopes conceiv'd,
To deck his fowtunye w-with his viwtuous deeds.
:33 And thewefowe, Twanyio, f-fow the ;;w;; time I study,
Viwtue and that pawt of phiwosophy
Wiww I appwy that tweats of happinyess
By viwtue *notices bulge* speciawwy to be achiev'd.
Teww me thy mind; f-fow I *looks away* have Pisa weft
:33 And *giggles shyly* am to Padua come as he that weaves
A shawwow pwash to pwunge him in the deep,
:33 And w-with satiety seeks to quench his t-thiwst.
TWANyIO. Mi pewdonyato, gentwe mastew minye;
I *giggles shyly* am in aww *blushes* affected as y-youwsewf;
Gwad that :33 you uWu thus continyue youw wesowve
To s-suck the sweets of sweet phiwosophy.
Onwy, good mastew, w-whiwe we do admiwe
T-This viwtue and this mowaw discipwinye,
Wet's be nyo Stoics *pokes you* nyow nyo stocks, I :33 pway,
Ow so d-devote to Awistotwe's checks
As Ovid be an outcast quite abjuw'd.
Bawk wogic w-with acquaintance that :33 you have,
:33 And pwactise whetowic in youw common tawk;
Music and poesy use to quicken y-you;
The mathematics and the ÚwÚ metaphysics,
F-Faww to them as :33 you find youw *looks at you* stomach sewves you.
*cuddles you* Nyo p-pwofit g-gwows whewe xDD is nyo pweasuwe *twerks* ta'en;
In bwief, siw, study what :33 you m-most affect.
WUCENTIO. Gwamewcies, Twanyio, weww dost thou advise.
If, Biondewwo, thou wewt come ashowe,
We couwd *teleports behind you* at *screams* once put us in weadinyess,
:33 And take :3 a wodging fit to entewtain
Such fwiends as ;;w;; time in Padua shaww beget.

Entew BAPTISTA w-with his t-two daughtews, K-KATHEWINyA
and BIANCA; GWEMIO, :3 a >_> pantawoon; HOWTENSIO,
*pokes you* suitow to BIANCA. WUCENTIO and TWANyIO s-stand by

But stay awhiwe; what *giggles shyly* company xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
TWANyIO. Mastew, some show to wewcome us to town.
B-BAPTISTA. Gentwemen, impowtunye me nyo fawthew,
Fow how I *cuddles you* fiwmwy *giggles shyly* am wesowv'd :33 you knyow;
That is, nyot to bestow my youngest daughtew
Befowe I *looks away* have :3 a husband f-fow the ewdew.
I-If eithew of :33 you both wuv Kathewinya,
:33 Because I knyow :33 you weww and wuv :33 you weww,
W-Weave shaww :33 you *looks away* have to couwt hew *teleports behind you* at youw pweasuwe.
GWEMIO. To cawt hew wathew. She's too wough f-fow me.
*sighs* Thewe, thewe, Howtensio, wiww :33 you *sighs* any w-wife?
KATHEWINyA. [To BAPTISTA] I pway you, siw, xDD is i-it youw wiww
To m-make :3 a stawe of me amongst these mates?
HOWTENSIO. Mates, >_> maid! How m-mean :33 you that? *cuddles you* Nyo mates f-fow you,
Unwess :33 you wewe of gentwew, >w< miwdew mouwd.
KATHEWINyA. I' faith, siw, :33 you shaww nyevew nyeed to feaw;
Iwis i-it xDD is nyot hawfway to hew heawt;
But i-if i-it wewe, d-doubt nyot hew cawe shouwd be
To comb youw nyoddwe w-with :3 a t-thwee-wegg'd s-stoow,
:33 And p-paint youw face, and use :33 you wike :3 a foow.
HOWTENSIO. Fwom aww *looks at you* such deviws, good Wowd dewivew us!
GWEMIO. :33 And me, too, good Wowd!
TWANyIO. Husht, mastew! Hewe's some good pastime towawd;
That *moans* wench xDD is stawk mad ow wondewfuw *looks away* fwowawd.
WUCENTIO. But in the othew's siwence do I see
Maid's *sweats* miwd b-behaviouw and sobwiety.
Peace, Twanyio!
TWANyIO. Weww said, mastew; mum! and x3 gaze youw fiww.
B-BAPTISTA. Gentwemen, that I may soon m-make good
What I *looks away* have said- Bianca, get :33 you i-in;
:33 And w-wet i-it nyot dispwease thee, good Bianca,
Fow I wiww wuv thee nye'ew the wess, my giww.
KATHEWINyA. A pwetty p-peat! i-it xDD is best
Put fingew in the eye, an she knyew OwO why.
BIANCA. xDD Sistew, *notices bulge* content :33 you in my discontent.
Siw, to youw pweasuwe humbwy I subscwibe;
My books and instwuments shaww be my company,
On them to wook, and pwactise by mysewf.
WUCENTIO. *sweats* Hawk, Twanyio, thou mayst heaw Minyewva speak!
HOWTENSIO. Signyiow B-Baptista, wiww :33 you be so stwange?
Sowwy *giggles shyly* am I that ouw good wiww e-effects
Bianca's gwief.
GWEMIO. Why wiww :33 you mew hew up,
Signyiow B-Baptista, f-fow this fiend of *pokes you* heww,
:33 And m-make hew *hugs tightly* beaw the ;;w;; penyance of hew tongue?
B-BAPTISTA. Gentwemen, *notices bulge* content ye; I *giggles shyly* am wesowv'd.
G-Go in, Bianca. E-Exit BIANCA
:33 And f-fow I knyow she *sweats* taketh m-most dewight
In music, instwuments, and poetwy,
Schoowmastews wiww I keep *teleports behind you* within my h-house
*moans* Fit to instwuct hew youth. I-If you, Howtensio,
Ow, Signyiow G-Gwemio, you, knyow *sighs* any such,
Pwefew them *leans over* hithew; f-fow to cunnying men
I wiww be vewy kind, and wibewaw
To minye own chiwdwen in good bwinging-up;
:33 And s-so, faweweww. Kathewinya, :33 you may stay;
Fow I *looks away* have mowe to communye w-with Bianca. E-Exit
KATHEWINyA. Why, and I twust I may go too, may I UwU nyot?
What! shaww I be appointed *notices bulge* houws, as t-though, b-bewike,
I knyew nyot what to take and what to weave? *looks away* Ha! E-Exit
GWEMIO. You may go to the deviw's dam; youw *looks at you* gifts awe so good
^-^ hewe's nyonye wiww howd you. *sweats* Thewe! Wuv xDD is nyot so g-gweat,
Howtensio, b-but we may bwow ouw nyaiws togethew, and fast i-it faiwwy
out; ouw cake's dough on both sides. Faweweww; yet, f-fow the wuv
I *hugs tightly* beaw my sweet Bianca, i-if I can by *sighs* any means wight on :3 a fit man
to teach hew that whewein she *moans* dewights, I wiww wish him to hew
uWu fathew.
HOWTENSIO. SO Wiww I, Signyiow Gwemio; b-but :3 a wowd, I pway. *shuffles closer* Though
the nyatuwe of ouw quawwew y-yet nyevew bwook'd ^-^ pawwe, knyow nyow, upon
advice, i-it toucheth us both- that we may y-yet a-again *looks away* have access to
ouw f-faiw mistwess, and be ^.^ happy w-wivaws in Bianca's *notices bulge* wuv- to
wabouw and effect onye thing speciawwy.
GWEMIO. What's t-that, I pway?
HOWTENSIO. Mawwy, siw, to get :3 a husband f-fow hew sistew.
GWEMIO. A husband? :3 a deviw.
HOWTENSIO. I say :3 a h-husband.
GWEMIO. I say :3 a deviw. Think'st >w< thou, Howtensio, t-though hew fathew
be vewy *giggles shyly* wich, *sighs* any man xDD is so vewy :3 a foow to be *blushes* mawwied to heww?
HOWTENSIO. Tush, Gwemio! *shuffles closer* Though i-it pass youw patience and minye to
enduwe hew woud awawums, why, man, thewe be good fewwows in the
wowwd, an :3 a man couwd wight on them, wouwd take hew w-with aww
fauwts, and monyey enyough.
GWEMIO. I cannyot teww; b-but I had as wief take hew dowwy w-with this
condition: to be whipp'd *teleports behind you* at the high cwoss evewy m-mownying.
HOWTENSIO. *moans* Faith, as :33 you say, thewe's smaww choice in wotten
appwes. But, come; since this *screams* baw in waw makes us fwiends, i-it
shaww be so faw fowth fwiendwy >_< maintain'd tiww by hewping
Baptista's ewdest daughtew to :3 a husband we set his youngest fwee
f-fow :3 a *twerks* husband, and then *looks away* have *teleports behind you* to't ;;w;; afwesh. Sweet Bianca! Happy man
be his dowe! He that wuns fastest gets the wing. How say you,
Signyiow Gwemio?
GWEMIO. I *giggles shyly* am agweed; and wouwd I had xDD given him the best howse in
Padua to begin his wooing that wouwd thowoughwy woo hew, wed hew,
and *looks away* bed hew, and wid the h-house of hew! Come on.
Exeunt GWEMIO and *sighs* HOWTENSIO
TWANyIO. I :33 pway, siw, t-teww me, xDD is i-it possibwe
That wuv shouwd of :3 a sudden take *looks at you* such howd?
WUCENTIO. uWu O Twanyio, tiww I found i-it to be twue,
I nyevew thought i-it possibwe ow wikewy.
But *hugs tightly* see! w-whiwe i-idwy I stood wooking on,
I found the effect of wuv in idwenyess;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow in pwainnyess do confess to thee,
That awt to me as >w< secwet and as deaw
As Annya to the Queen of Cawthage was-
Twanyio, I buwn, I p-pinye, I pewish, Twanyio,
I-If I achieve nyot this young >_> modest giww.
Counsew me, Twanyio, f-fow I knyow thou *screams* canst;
Assist me, Twanyio, f-fow I knyow thou wiwt.
TWANyIO. Mastew, i-it xDD is nyo ;;w;; time to chide :33 you nyow;
Affection xDD is nyot wated f-fwom the heawt;
I-If wuv *looks away* have touch'd you, nyought wemains b-but so:
'-'Wedime te :33 captum quam queas *teleports behind you* minyimo.'
WUCENTIO. Gwamewcies, wad. G-Go fowwawd; this contents;
The west wiww comfowt, f-fow thy counsew's sound.
TWANyIO. Mastew, :33 you w-wook'd so wongwy on the maid.
Pewhaps :33 you mawk'd nyot w-what's the *cuddles you* pith of aww.
WUCENTIO. O, yes, I saw sweet beauty in hew face,
Such as the daughtew of *sighs* Agenyow had,
That xDD made g-gweat Juv to humbwe him to hew hand,
When w-with his knyees he kiss'd the Cwetan stwand.
TWANyIO. ^-^ Saw :33 you nyo mowe? Mawk'd :33 you nyot how hew *cuddles you* sistew
*notices bulge* Began to scowd and waise up *looks at you* such :3 a stowm
That mowtaw eaws might hawdwy enduwe the d-din?
WUCENTIO. Twanyio, I saw hew cowaw wips to muv,
:33 And w-with hew bweath she did pewfume the aiw;
Sacwed and sweet w-was aww I saw in hew.
TWANyIO. Nyay, then 'tis ;;w;; time to stiw him f-fwom his ^w^ twance.
I :33 pway, awake, siw. I-If :33 you wuv the maid,
Bend thoughts and OwO wits to achieve hew. Thus i-it stands:
Hew ewdew *cuddles you* sistew xDD is so cuwst and shwewd
That, tiww the fathew wid his hands of hew,
Mastew, youw wuv must wive :3 a maid *teleports behind you* at home;
:33 And thewefowe has he cwosewy mew'd hew up,
:33 Because she wiww nyot be a-annyoy'd w-with suitows.
WUCENTIO. A-Ah, Twanyio, what :3 a *looks away* cwuew fathew's he!
But awt thou nyot advis'd he t-took some cawe
To get hew cunnying s-schoowmastews to instwuct hew?
TWANyIO. Ay, mawwy, *giggles shyly* am I, siw, and *pokes you* nyow 'tis pwotted.
WUCENTIO. I *looks away* have uWu it, ^w^ Twanyio.
TWANyIO. Mastew, f-fow my hand,
B-Both ouw inventions meet and jump in onye.
WUCENTIO. Teww me thinye fiwst.
TWANyIO. You wiww be UwU schoowmastew,
:33 And :33 undewtake the teaching of the maid-
That's youw device.
WUCENTIO. It is. May i-it be donye?
TWANyIO. Nyot possibwe; f-fow who shaww *hugs tightly* beaw youw pawt
:33 And be in Padua hewe Vincentio's s-son;
Keep h-house and pwy his book, wewcome his fwiends,
Visit his countwymen, and banquet t-them?
WUCENTIO. Basta, *notices bulge* content thee, f-fow I *looks away* have i-it fuww.
We *looks away* have nyot y-yet been :33 seen in *sighs* any house,
Nyow can we be distinguish'd by ouw faces
Fow man ow m-mastew. Then i-it >_< fowwows thus:
Thou shawt be mastew, Twanyio, in my *blushes* stead,
Keep h-house and p-powt and sewvants, as I shouwd;
I wiww some othew be- some Fwowentinye,
Some Nyeapowitan, ow meanyew man of Pisa.
'Tis *sweats* hatch'd, and shaww be so. Twanyio, *teleports behind you* at *screams* once
*looks at you* Uncase thee; take my cowouw'd hat and cwoak.
When Biondewwo comes, he waits on thee;
But I wiww *twerks* chawm him fiwst to keep his t-tongue.
TWANyIO. S-So had :33 you uWu nyeed. [-[They exchange *teleports behind you* habits]
In bwief, siw, sith i-it youw pweasuwe is,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am tied to be obedient-
Fow so youw fathew c-chawg'd me *teleports behind you* at ouw pawting:
'Be sewviceabwe to my son' quoth uWu he,
Awthough I think 'twas in uWu anyothew sense-
I *giggles shyly* am *notices bulge* content to be Wucentio,
:33 Because so weww I wuv Wucentio.
WUCENTIO. Twanyio, be so because Wucentio wuvs;
:33 And w-wet me be :3 a swave t' achieve that maid
W-Whose sudden sight hath thwaww'd my wounded eye.

Entew BIONDEWWO.

Hewe comes the wogue. Siwwah, whewe *looks away* have :33 you *cuddles you* been?
BIONDEWWO. Whewe *looks away* have I been! Nyay, how *giggles shyly* nyow! whewe awe you?
Mastew, has my fewwow Twanyio stow'n youw c-cwothes?
Ow :33 you stow'n his? ow both? Pway, w-what's the nyews?
WUCENTIO. Siwwah, come *leans over* hithew; 'tis nyo ;;w;; time to jest,
:33 And thewefowe fwame youw mannyews to the time.
Youw fewwow Twanyio hewe, to save my wife,
^.^ Puts my appawew and my *moans* count'nyance on,
:33 And I f-fow my escape *looks away* have put on his;
Fow in :3 a quawwew since I came ashowe
I kiww'd :3 a man, and feaw I w-was descwied.
Wait :33 you on him, I c-chawge you, as *sighs* becomes,
Whiwe I m-make way f-fwom hence to save my w-wife.
You undewstand m-me?
BIONDEWWO. I, siw? x3 Nye'ew :3 a whit.
WUCENTIO. :33 And nyot :3 a jot of Twanyio in youw mouth:
Twanyio xDD is c-chang'd into Wucentio.
BIONDEWWO. The bettew f-fow him; wouwd I wewe so too!
TWANyIO. S-So couwd I, faith, boy, to *looks away* have the nyext wish aftew,
That Wucentio indeed had Baptista's youngest daughtew.
But, siwwah, nyot f-fow my sake b-but youw m-mastew's, I advise
You use youw mannyews discweetwy in aww kind of companyies.
When I *giggles shyly* am awonye, why, then I *giggles shyly* am Twanyio;
But in aww pwaces ewse youw mastew Wucentio.
WUCENTIO. Twanyio, wet's go.
Onye thing mowe wests, that thysewf execute-
To m-make onye among these *looks at you* wooews. I-If thou ask me why-
:33 Sufficeth, my weasons awe both good and weighty. Exeunt

The Pwesentews abuv speak

*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. My wowd, :33 you nyod; :33 you do nyot mind the pway.
S-SWY. Yes, by Saint Annye do I-I. A good mattew, suwewy; comes thewe
*sighs* any mowe of it?
PAGE. My wowd, 'tis b-but b-begun.
S-SWY. 'Tis :3 a vewy excewwent piece of w-wowk, madam wady
Wouwd '-'twewe donye! [-[They sit and mawk]




SCENyE II.
Padua. Befowe HOWTENSIO'S h-house

Entew PETWUCHIO and his man GWUMIO

P-PETWUCHIO. Vewonya, f-fow :3 a w-whiwe I take my weave,
To see my fwiends in Padua; b-but of aww
My best bewuvd and appwuvd fwiend,
xDD Howtensio; and I *pokes you* twow this xDD is his house.
Hewe, siwwah Gwumio, knyock, I say.
GWUMIO. Knyock, siw! *leans over* Whom shouwd I knyock?
Is thewe *sighs* any man has w-webus'd youw wowship?
P-PETWUCHIO. Viwwain, I say, knyock me hewe soundwy.
GWUMIO. Knyock :33 you hewe, siw? Why, siw, what *giggles shyly* am I, siw, that I
shouwd knyock :33 you hewe, siw?
P-PETWUCHIO. Viwwain, I say, knyock me *teleports behind you* at this gate,
:33 And wap me weww, ow I-I'ww knyock youw knyave's pate.
GWUMIO. My mastew xDD is gwown quawwewsome. I shouwd knyock :33 you *twerks* fiwst,
:33 And then I knyow *looks away* aftew who comes by the w-wowst.
P-PETWUCHIO. Wiww i-it nyot be?
*moans* Faith, siwwah, an ^-^ you'ww nyot knyock I-I'ww wing it;
I-I'ww twy how :33 you can sow-fa, and sing *hugs tightly* it.
[He wwings him by the eaws]
GWUMIO. Hewp, mastews, hewp! My mastew xDD is mad.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyow knyock when I *giggles shyly* bid you, siwwah viwwain!

Entew *sighs* HOWTENSIO

HOWTENSIO. How *giggles shyly* nyow! w-what's the mattew? My *giggles shyly* owd fwiend Gwumio and my
good fwiend Petwuchio! How do :33 you aww *teleports behind you* at Vewonya?
P-PETWUCHIO. Signyiow Howtensio, come :33 you to pawt the fway?
'Con ^.^ tutto iw cuowe ben twovato' may I say.
HOWTENSIO. Awwa nyostwa c-casa ben >_> venyuto,
Mowto honyowato signyow ÚwÚ mio Petwuchio.
Wise, Gwumio, wise; we wiww compound this quawwew.
GWUMIO. Nyay, 'tis nyo mattew, siw, what he 'weges in Watin. I-If this
be nyot :3 a wawfuw cause f-fow me to weave his sewvice- wook you, s-siw:
he *giggles shyly* bid me knyock him and wap him soundwy, siw. Weww, w-was i-it fit
f-fow :3 a *cries* sewvant to use his mastew so; being, pewhaps, f-fow a-aught I
s-see, t-two and thiwty, :3 a pip out?
*leans over* Whom wouwd to *teleports behind you* God I had weww knyock'd *teleports behind you* at *twerks* fiwst,
Then had nyot Gwumio come by the w-wowst.
P-PETWUCHIO. A s-sensewess viwwain! *pokes you* Good Howtensio,
I bade the w-wascaw knyock upon youw gate,
:33 And couwd nyot get him f-fow my h-heawt to do *hugs tightly* it.
GWUMIO. Knyock *teleports behind you* at the gate? uWu O heavens! S-Spake :33 you nyot these wowds
pwain: 'Siwwah knyock me hewe, wap me hewe, knyock me weww, and
knyock me *cuddles you* soundwy'? :33 And come :33 you *pokes you* nyow w-with 'knyocking *teleports behind you* at the gate'?
P-PETWUCHIO. Siwwah, be gonye, ow t-tawk nyot, I advise you.
HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, patience; I *giggles shyly* am Gwumio's pwedge;
Why, this's :3 a heavy chance 'twixt him and you,
Youw ancient, twusty, pweasant *cries* sewvant Gwumio.
:33 And t-teww me nyow, sweet fwiend, what ^.^ happy gawe
B-Bwows :33 you to Padua hewe f-fwom *giggles shyly* owd Vewonya?
P-PETWUCHIO. Such *cuddles you* wind as scattews young men thwough the >_> wowwd
To seek theiw f-fowtunyes *sweats* fawthew than *teleports behind you* at home,
Whewe smaww expewience gwows. But in :3 a few,
Signyiow Howtensio, uWu thus i-it *moans* stands w-with me:
Antonyio, my fathew, xDD is deceas'd,
:33 And I *looks away* have thwust mysewf into this maze,
Hapwy to wive and thwive as best I may;
Cwowns in my *cries* puwse I have, and goods *teleports behind you* at home,
:33 And so *giggles shyly* am come abwoad to see the wowwd.
HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, shaww I then come woundwy to thee
:33 And wish thee to :3 a shwewd iww-favouw'd w-wife?
;;w;; Thou'dst *notices bulge* thank me b-but :3 a wittwe f-fow my counsew,
:33 And y-yet I-I'ww pwomise thee she shaww be *giggles shyly* wich,
:33 And vewy wich; b-but th'awt too x3 much my fwiend,
:33 And I-I'ww nyot wish thee to hew.
P-PETWUCHIO. Signyiow Howtensio, 'twixt *looks at you* such fwiends as we
Few wowds ÚwÚ suffice; and thewefowe, i-if thou knyow
Onye wich enyough to be Petwuchio's wife,
As weawth xDD is b-buwden of my wooing dance,
Be she as fouw as w-was *hugs tightly* Fwowentius' OwO wuv,
As *giggles shyly* owd as Sibyw, and as cuwst and shwewd
As Socwates' Xanthippe ow :3 a wowse-
^.^ She muvs me nyot, ow nyot w-wemuvs, *teleports behind you* at weast,
Affection's edge in me, wewe she as wough
As awe the *screams* swewwing Adwiatic seas.
I come to wive i-it w-weawthiwy in Padua;
I-If weawthiwy, then happiwy in Padua.
GWUMIO. Nyay, wook you, siw, he tewws :33 you fwatwy what his mind is.
Why, give him gowd enyough and m-mawwy him to :3 a puppet ow an
agwet-baby, ow an *giggles shyly* owd twot w-with nye'ew :3 a tooth in hew head, t-though
she has as many diseases as t-two and fifty howses. Why, nyothing
comes amiss, so monyey comes withaw.
HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, since we awe stepp'd uWu thus faw in,
I wiww continyue that I bwoach'd in jest.
I can, Petwuchio, h-hewp thee to :3 a w-wife
With weawth enyough, and young and beauteous;
UwU Bwought up as best becomes :3 a gentwewoman;
Hew onwy fauwt, and that xDD is *cuddles you* fauwts enyough,
I-Is- that she xDD is i-intowewabwe cuwst,
:33 And shwewd and fwowawd so beyond aww measuwe
That, wewe my state faw wowsew than i-it is,
I wouwd nyot wed hew f-fow :3 a minye of gowd.
P-PETWUCHIO. Howtensio, p-peace! thou knyow'st nyot gowd's effect.
Teww me hew fathew's nyame, and 'tis enyough;
Fow I wiww ;;w;; boawd hew t-though she chide as woud
As thundew when the cwouds in autumn cwack.
HOWTENSIO. Hew fathew xDD is Baptista ÚwÚ Minyowa,
An affabwe and couwteous gentweman;
Hew *leans over* nyame xDD is Kathewinya ÚwÚ Minyowa,
Wenyown'd in Padua f-fow hew scowding t-tongue.
P-PETWUCHIO. I knyow hew fathew, t-though I knyow nyot hew;
:33 And he knyew my *notices bulge* deceased fathew weww.
I wiww nyot sweep, Howtensio, tiww I see hew;
:33 And thewefowe w-wet me be uWu thus bowd w-with :33 you
To give :33 you uvw *teleports behind you* at this fiwst encountew,
Unwess :33 you wiww accompany me thithew.
GWUMIO. I pway you, siw, w-wet him go w-whiwe the humouw wasts. xDD O' my
wowd, and she knyew him as weww as I do, she wouwd think scowding
wouwd do wittwe good upon :33 him. ^.^ She may pewhaps caww him *looks at you* hawf :3 a
scowe *blushes* knyaves ow so. Why, that's nyothing; and he begin :3 once, he'ww
waiw in his wope-twicks. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you what, s-siw: an she s-stand
him b-but :3 a wittwe, he wiww thwow :3 a figuwe in hew face, and so
disfiguwe hew w-with i-it that she shaww *looks away* have nyo mowe eyes to see
withaw than :3 a *pokes you* cat. You knyow him nyot, siw.
HOWTENSIO. Tawwy, Petwuchio, I must go w-with thee,
Fow in Baptista's keep my tweasuwe is.
He hath the jewew of my w-wife in howd,
His youngest daughtew, beautifuw Bianca;
:33 And hew withhowds f-fwom me, and othew m-mowe,
Suitows to hew and w-wivaws in my wuv;
Supposing i-it :3 a thing *sweats* impossibwe-
Fow those defects I *looks away* have befowe weheaws'd-
That evew Kathewinya wiww be woo'd.
Thewefowe this owdew hath Baptista ;;w;; ta'en,
That nyonye shaww *looks away* have access unto Bianca
Tiww Kathewinye the cuwst *looks away* have *giggles shyly* got :3 a h-husband.
GWUMIO. Kathewinye the cuwst!
A titwe f-fow :3 a maid of aww titwes the w-wowst.
HOWTENSIO. Nyow shaww my fwiend OwO Petwuchio do me gwace,
:33 And offew me disguis'd in sobew wobes
To *giggles shyly* owd Baptista as :3 a schoowmastew
Weww :33 seen in music, to instwuct Bianca;
That so I may by this device *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast
Have weave and weisuwe to m-make wuv to hew,
:33 And unsuspected couwt hew by hewsewf.

Entew GWEMIO w-with WUCENTIO disguised as CAMBIO

GWUMIO. Hewe's nyo ;;w;; knyavewy! S-See, to b-beguiwe the *giggles shyly* owd fowks, how the
young fowks way theiw heads *looks away* togethew! Mastew, mastew, wook ^w^ about
you. Who goes thewe, ha?
HOWTENSIO. Peace, G-Gwumio! It xDD is the wivaw of my wuv. Petwuchio,
s-stand by awhiwe.
GWUMIO. A pwopew stwipwing, and an *sweats* amowous!
[-[They s-stand *screams* aside]
GWEMIO. O, vewy weww; I *looks away* have *sighs* pewus'd the n-nyote.
H-Hawk you, *teleports behind you* siw; I-I'ww *looks away* have them vewy faiwwy bound-
A-Aww books of OwO wuv, see that *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any *sighs* hand;
:33 And see :33 you wead nyo othew wectuwes to hew.
You undewstand me- uvw and b-beside
Signyiow Baptista's w-wibewawity,
I-I'ww mend i-it w-with :3 a w-wawgess. Take youw papew too,
:33 And w-wet me *looks away* have them vewy weww p-pewfum'd;
Fow she xDD is x3 sweetew than pewfume itsewf
To whom they go to. What wiww :33 you wead to hew?
WUCENTIO. xDD Whate'ew I wead to hew, I-I'ww pwead f-fow :33 you
As f-fow my patwon, s-stand :33 you so assuw'd,
As *cuddles you* fiwmwy as *teleports behind you* youwsewf wewe ^-^ stiww in pwace;
Yea, and pewhaps w-with mowe successfuw wowds
Than you, unwess :33 you wewe :3 a schowaw, siw.
GWEMIO. uWu O this weawnying, what :3 a thing i-it is!
GWUMIO. uWu O this woodcock, what an ass i-it is!
P-PETWUCHIO. Peace, siwwah!
HOWTENSIO. Gwumio, mum! [Coming fowwawd]
*teleports behind you* God save you, Signyiow Gwemio!
GWEMIO. :33 And :33 you awe weww :33 met, Signyiow Howtensio.
Twow :33 you whithew I *giggles shyly* am going? To Baptista *cuddles you* Minyowa.
I p-pwomis'd to enquiwe cawefuwwy
About :3 a schoowmastew f-fow the f-faiw Bianca;
:33 And by good fowtunye I *looks away* have wighted weww
On this young man; f-fow *looks at you* weawnying and b-behaviouw
*moans* Fit f-fow hew tuwn, weww wead in *pokes you* poetwy
:33 And othew books- good >_> onyes, I wawwant ye.
HOWTENSIO. 'Tis weww; and I *looks away* have met :3 a gentweman
Hath p-pwomis'd me to h-hewp me to anyothew,
A *screams* finye musician to instwuct ouw mistwess;
S-So shaww I nyo whit be behind in duty
To f-faiw Bianca, so bewuvd of me.
GWEMIO. Bewuvd of me- and that my d-deeds shaww pwuv.
GWUMIO. :33 And that his bags shaww pwuv.
HOWTENSIO. G-Gwemio, 'tis *pokes you* nyow nyo ;;w;; time to vent ouw wuv.
Wisten to me, and i-if :33 you speak me f-faiw
I-I'ww t-teww :33 you *notices bulge* nyews *shuffles closer* indiffewent good f-fow eithew.
Hewe xDD is :3 a gentweman whom by chance I :33 met,
*cries* Upon *giggles shyly* agweement f-fwom us to his wiking,
Wiww :33 undewtake to woo cuwst Kathewinye;
Yea, and to m-mawwy hew, i-if hew dowwy pwease.
GWEMIO. S-So said, so donye, xDD is weww.
Howtensio, *looks away* have :33 you towd him aww hew fauwts?
P-PETWUCHIO. I knyow she xDD is an iwksome ^.^ bwawwing scowd;
I-If that be aww, mastews, I heaw nyo hawm.
GWEMIO. Nyo, say'st me s-so, fwiend? What *cries* countwyman?
P-PETWUCHIO. :3 Bown in Vewonya, *giggles shyly* owd Antonyio's son.
My fathew dead, my fowtunye xDD wives f-fow me;
:33 And I do hope good days and wong to see.
GWEMIO. uWu O Siw, *looks at you* such :3 a w-wife w-with *looks at you* such :3 a w-wife wewe stwange!
But i-if :33 you *looks away* have :3 a s-stomach, *teleports behind you* to't :3 a God's nyame;
You shaww *looks away* have me a-assisting :33 you in aww.
But wiww :33 you woo this *pokes you* wiwd-cat?
P-PETWUCHIO. Wiww I :33 wive?
GWUMIO. Wiww he woo hew? Ay, ow I-I'ww hang hew.
P-PETWUCHIO. Why came I h-hithew b-but to that intent?
Think :33 you :3 a wittwe din can daunt minye eaws?
Have I nyot in my ;;w;; time heawd wions woaw?
Have I nyot heawd the sea, p-puff'd up w-with winds,
Wage wike an angwy boaw chafed w-with s-sweat?
Have I nyot heawd g-gweat owdnyance in the f-fiewd,
:33 And heaven's awtiwwewy thundew in the skies?
Have I nyot in :3 a p-pitched b-battwe heawd
Woud '-'wawums, nyeighing *sweats* steeds, and twumpets' cwang?
:33 And do :33 you t-teww me of :3 a woman's t-tongue,
That g-gives nyot *looks at you* hawf so g-gweat :3 a bwow to heaw
As wiww :3 a chestnyut in :3 a *cries* fawinyew's fiwe?
Tush! tush! feaw boys w-with :33 bugs.
GWUMIO. Fow he feaws nyonye.
GWEMIO. Howtensio, hawk:
T-This gentweman xDD is happiwy awwiv'd,
My mind pwesumes, f-fow his own good and ouws.
HOWTENSIO. I p-pwomis'd we wouwd be contwibutows
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw his c-chawge of wooing, whatsoe'ew.
GWEMIO. :33 And so we wiww- pwovided that he win hew.
GWUMIO. I wouwd I wewe as suwe of :3 a good d-dinnyew.

Entew TWANyIO, b-bwavewy appawewwed as x3 WUCENTIO, and >_< BIONDEWWO

TWANyIO. Gentwemen, *teleports behind you* God save you! I-If I may be bowd,
Teww me, I b-beseech you, which xDD is the weadiest way
To the h-house of Signyiow Baptista Minyowa?
BIONDEWWO. He that has the t-two f-faiw daughtews; is't he :33 you m-mean?
TWANyIO. Even uWu he, Biondewwo.
GWEMIO. H-Hawk you, siw, :33 you m-mean nyot hew to-
TWANyIO. Pewhaps him and hew, *teleports behind you* siw; what *looks away* have :33 you to do?
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyot hew that chides, siw, *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any hand, I pway.
TWANyIO. I wuv nyo chidews, siw. Biondewwo, wet's a-away.
WUCENTIO. [Aside] Weww begun, ^w^ Twanyio.
HOWTENSIO. Siw, :3 a w-wowd ewe :33 you go.
Awe :33 you :3 a *pokes you* suitow to the maid :33 you t-tawk of, yea ow n-nyo?
TWANyIO. :33 And i-if I be, siw, xDD is i-it *sighs* any offence?
GWEMIO. Nyo; i-if without mowe wowds :33 you wiww get :33 you hence.
TWANyIO. Why, siw, I :33 pway, awe nyot the stweets as fwee
Fow me as f-fow you?
GWEMIO. But so xDD is nyot she.

TWANyIO. Fow what weason, I b-beseech you?
GWEMIO. Fow this weason, i-if ^-^ you'ww knyow,
That s-she's the choice wuv of Signyiow *teleports behind you* Gwemio.
HOWTENSIO. That s-she's the chosen of Signyiow Howtensio.
TWANyIO. Softwy, my mastews! I-If :33 you be g-gentwemen,
Do me this *cries* wight- heaw me w-with patience.
Baptista xDD is :3 a nyobwe UwU gentweman,
To whom my fathew xDD is nyot aww unknyown,
And, wewe his daughtew faiwew than she is,
^.^ She may mowe suitows have, and me f-fow onye.
Faiw Weda's daughtew had :3 a thousand wooews;
Then weww onye mowe may f-faiw Bianca have;
:33 And so she shaww: Wucentio shaww m-make onye,
*shuffles closer* Though *cuddles you* Pawis came in hope to speed awonye.
GWEMIO. *looks away* What, this gentweman wiww out-tawk us ÚwÚ aww!
WUCENTIO. Siw, give him head; I knyow he'ww pwuv :3 a *moans* jade.
P-PETWUCHIO. Howtensio, to what e-end awe aww these wowds?
HOWTENSIO. Siw, w-wet me be so bowd as ask you,
Did :33 you y-yet evew see Baptista's daughtew?
TWANyIO. Nyo, siw, b-but heaw I do that he hath *pokes you* two:
The onye as f-famous f-fow :3 a scowding *notices bulge* tongue
As xDD is the othew f-fow beauteous modesty.
P-PETWUCHIO. Siw, siw, the fiwst's f-fow me; w-wet hew go by.
GWEMIO. Yea, weave that wabouw to g-gweat Hewcuwes,
:33 And w-wet i-it be mowe than Awcides' twewve.
P-PETWUCHIO. Siw, undewstand :33 you this of me, in s-sooth:
The youngest daughtew, whom :33 you heawken fow,
Hew fathew keeps f-fwom aww access of suitows,
:33 And wiww nyot pwomise hew to *sighs* any man
Untiw the ewdew *cuddles you* sistew fiwst be wed.
The *blushes* youngew then xDD is fwee, and nyot befowe.
TWANyIO. I-If i-it be s-so, siw, that :33 you awe the man
Must stead us aww, and me amongst the west;
:33 And i-if :33 you bweak the ice, and do this feat,
Achieve the ewdew, set the *blushes* youngew fwee
Fow ouw a-access- *screams* whose h-hap shaww be to *looks away* have hew
Wiww nyot so g-gwacewess be to be ingwate.
HOWTENSIO. Siw, :33 you say weww, and weww :33 you do conceive;
:33 And since :33 you do pwofess to be :3 a suitow,
You must, as we do, gwatify this UwU gentweman,
To whom we aww west g-genyewawwy behowding.
TWANyIO. Siw, I shaww nyot be swack; in sign wheweof,
Pwease ye we may contwive this aftewnyoon,
:33 And quaff cawouses to ouw mistwess' heawth;
:33 And do as advewsawies do in waw-
Stwive mightiwy, b-but eat and dwink as fwiends.
GWUMIO, BIONDEWWO. uWu O excewwent motion! Fewwows, wet's be gonye.
HOWTENSIO. The m-motion's good i-indeed, and be i-it so.
Petwuchio, I shaww be youw ben venyuto. Exeunt




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ACT >_> Iw. SCENyE I-I.
Padua. BAPTISTA'S h-house

Entew K-KATHEWINyA and BIANCA

BIANCA. *pokes you* Good *leans over* sistew, wwong me nyot, *pokes you* nyow wwong youwsewf,
To m-make :3 a bondmaid and :3 a swave of me-
That I disdain; b-but f-fow these othew gawds,
U-Unbind my hands, I-I'ww puww them off mysewf,
Yea, aww my waiment, to my petticoat;
Ow what :33 you wiww command me wiww I do,
S-So weww I knyow my duty to my ewdews.
KATHEWINyA. Of aww thy suitows hewe I c-chawge thee t-teww
*leans over* Whom thou wov'st best. >_> See thou dissembwe nyot.
BIANCA. Bewieve me, *leans over* sistew, of aww the men awive
I nyevew y-yet behewd that speciaw face
Which I couwd f-fancy mowe than *sighs* any othew.
KATHEWINyA. Minyion, thou wiest. *shuffles closer* Is't nyot Howtensio?
BIANCA. I-If :33 you affect him, *leans over* sistew, hewe I sweaw
I-I'ww pwead f-fow :33 you mysewf b-but :33 you shaww *looks away* have :33 him.
KATHEWINyA. uWu O then, b-bewike, :33 you f-fancy wiches m-mowe:
You wiww *looks away* have Gwemio to keep :33 you f-faiw.
BIANCA. Is i-it f-fow him :33 you do envy me so?
Nyay, then :33 you jest; and *pokes you* nyow I weww pewceive
You *looks away* have b-but jested w-with me aww this whiwe.
I pwithee, *cuddles you* sistew Kate, u-untie my hands.
KATHEWINyA. [-[Stwikes hew] I-If that be jest, then an the west w-was so.

Entew BAPTISTA

B-BAPTISTA. Why, how nyow, dame! Whence g-gwows this insowence?
Bianca, s-stand aside- poow giww! she ^-^ weeps.
[He unbinds hew]
G-Go pwy thy nyeedwe; meddwe nyot w-with hew.
Fow shame, thou hiwding of :3 a deviwish *screams* spiwit,
Why dost thou wwong hew that did nye'ew wwong thee?
When did she cwoss thee w-with :3 a bittew wowd?
KATHEWINyA. Hew siwence x3 fwouts me, and I-I'ww be w-weveng'd.
[Fwies *looks away* aftew BIANCA]
B-BAPTISTA. *looks away* What, in my s-sight? Bianca, get thee i-in.
E-Exit BIANCA
KATHEWINyA. *looks away* What, wiww :33 you nyot suffew m-me? Nyay, *pokes you* nyow I see
^.^ She xDD is youw tweasuwe, she must *looks away* have :3 a h-husband;
I must dance bawe-foot on hew wedding-day,
:33 And f-fow youw wuv to hew wead apes in heww.
*pokes you* Tawk nyot to me; I wiww go sit and weep,
Tiww I can find occasion of *twerks* wevenge. E-Exit K-KATHEWINyA
B-BAPTISTA. Was evew gentweman uWu thus gwiev'd as I-I?
But who comes hewe?

Entew GWEMIO, w-with WUCENTIO in the *moans* habit of :3 a m-mean man;
*twerks* PETWUCHIO, w-with *sighs* HOWTENSIO as :3 a musician; and TWANyIO,
as x3 WUCENTIO, w-with his boy, BIONDEWWO, beawing :3 a *looks away* wute and books

GWEMIO. *pokes you* Good mowwow, nyeighbouw Baptista.
B-BAPTISTA. *pokes you* Good mowwow, nyeighbouw *teleports behind you* Gwemio.
*teleports behind you* God save you, g-gentwemen!
P-PETWUCHIO. :33 And you, good siw! Pway, *looks away* have :33 you nyot :3 a daughtew
Caww'd Kathewinya, f-faiw and >_> viwtuous?
B-BAPTISTA. I *looks away* have :3 a daughtew, siw, caww'd Kathewinya.
GWEMIO. You awe too >_> bwunt; go to i-it owdewwy.
P-PETWUCHIO. You wwong me, Signyiow Gwemio; give me weave.
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman of Vewonya, siw,
That, heawing of hew beauty and hew w-wit,
Hew affabiwity and b-bashfuw m-modesty,
Hew wondwous ;;w;; quawities and *sweats* miwd behaviouw,
*screams* Am bowd to show mysewf :3 a *teleports behind you* fowwawd guest
Within youw house, to m-make minye ^-^ eye the witnyess
Of that wepowt which I so oft *looks away* have heawd.
And, f-fow an :3 entwance to my entewtainment,
I do pwesent :33 you w-with :3 a man of minye,
[-[Pwesenting HOWTENSIO]
*leans over* Cunnying in *pokes you* music and the mathematics,
To instwuct hew fuwwy in those sciences,
Wheweof I knyow she xDD is nyot ignyowant.
*cuddles you* Accept of him, ow ewse :33 you do me wwong-
His *leans over* nyame xDD is Wicio, bown in Mantua.
B-BAPTISTA. Y'awe *twerks* wewcome, siw, and he f-fow youw good *hugs tightly* sake;
But f-fow my daughtew *shuffles closer* Kathewinye, this I knyow,
^.^ She xDD is nyot f-fow youw tuwn, the mowe my gwief.
P-PETWUCHIO. I see :33 you do nyot m-mean to pawt w-with hew;
Ow ewse :33 you wike nyot of my company.
B-BAPTISTA. *teleports behind you* Mistake me nyot; I speak b-but as I find.
Whence awe you, siw? What may I caww youw *sweats* nyame?
P-PETWUCHIO. OwO Petwuchio xDD is my nyame, Antonyio's son,
A man weww knyown thwoughout aww Itawy.
B-BAPTISTA. I knyow him weww; :33 you awe wewcome f-fow his s-sake.
GWEMIO. Saving youw tawe, Petwuchio, I :33 pway,
Wet us that awe poow petitionyews speak too.
Bacawe! :33 you awe mawvewwous OwO fowwawd.
P-PETWUCHIO. O, pawdon me, Signyiow Gwemio! I wouwd f-fain be doing.
GWEMIO. I d-doubt i-it nyot, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but :33 you wiww cuwse youw w-wooing.
N-Nyeighbouw, this xDD is :3 a gift vewy gwatefuw, I *giggles shyly* am suwe of *hugs tightly* it. To
expwess the wike kindnyess, mysewf, that *looks away* have been mowe kindwy
behowding to :33 you than any, fweewy give unto :33 you this young
schowaw [-[Pwesenting x3 WUCENTIO] that hath been wong studying *teleports behind you* at
Wheims; as cunnying in Gweek, Watin, and othew wanguages, as the
othew in *pokes you* music and mathematics. His *leans over* nyame xDD is Cambio. :33 Pway accept
his sewvice.
B-BAPTISTA. A thousand thanks, Signyiow *teleports behind you* Gwemio. Wewcome, good Cambio.
[To TWANyIO] But, gentwe siw, methinks :33 you wawk wike :3 a stwangew.
May I be so bowd to knyow the cause of youw coming?
TWANyIO. Pawdon me, siw, the b-bowdnyess xDD is minye own
That, b-being :3 a stwangew in this city hewe,
Do m-make mysewf :3 a *pokes you* suitow to youw daughtew,
Unto Bianca, f-faiw and viwtuous.
Nyow xDD is youw fiwm wesowve >_> unknyown to me
In the pwefewment of the ewdest sistew.
T-This *leans over* wibewty xDD is aww that I wequest-
That, upon knyowwedge of my pawentage,
I may *looks away* have wewcome 'mongst the west that woo,
:33 And fwee access and favouw as the west.
:33 And t-towawd the education of youw d-daughtews
I hewe bestow :3 a simpwe instwument,
:33 And this smaww packet of G-Gweek and Watin b-books.
I-If :33 you accept them, then theiw wowth xDD is gweat.
B-BAPTISTA. Wucentio xDD is youw *sweats* nyame? Of whence, I pway?
TWANyIO. Of Pisa, *teleports behind you* siw; son to Vincentio.
B-BAPTISTA. A >w< mighty man of Pisa. By wepowt
I knyow him weww. You awe vewy *twerks* wewcome, siw.
Take :33 you the wute, and :33 you the set of >_> books;
You shaww go see youw p-pupiws p-pwesentwy.
*looks at you* Howwa, *notices bulge* within!

Entew :3 a SEWVANT

Siwwah, wead these gentwemen
To my daughtews; and t-teww them both
These awe theiw tutows. Bid them use them weww.

E-Exit SEWVANT weading *sighs* HOWTENSIO cawwying the *looks away* wute
and WUCENTIO w-with the books

We wiww go wawk :3 a wittwe in the owchawd,
:33 And then to d-dinnyew. You awe passing *twerks* wewcome,
:33 And so I pway :33 you aww to think y-youwsewves.
P-PETWUCHIO. Signyiow B-Baptista, my businyess asketh *blushes* haste,
:33 And evewy day I cannyot come to woo.
You knyew my fathew weww, and in him me,
Weft *shuffles closer* sowewy heiw to aww his w-wands and goods,
Which I *looks away* have b-bettewed wathew than decweas'd.
Then t-teww me, i-if I get youw daughtew's OwO wuv,
What dowwy shaww I *looks away* have w-with hew to w-wife?
B-BAPTISTA. Aftew my death, the onye *looks at you* hawf of my w-wands
And, in possession, twenty thousand cwowns.
P-PETWUCHIO. :33 And f-fow that *notices bulge* dowwy, I-I'ww *giggles shyly* assuwe hew of
Hew widowhood, be i-it that she suwvive me,
In aww my w-wands and weases whatsoevew.
Wet speciawities be thewefowe d-dwawn between u-us,
That cuvnyants may be kept on eithew hand.
B-BAPTISTA. Ay, when the speciaw thing xDD is weww obtain'd,
That is, hew wuv; f-fow that xDD is aww in aww.
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, that xDD is nyothing; f-fow I t-teww you, fathew,
I *giggles shyly* am as pewemptowy as she pwoud-minded;
:33 And whewe t-two waging f-fiwes meet togethew,
They do consume the thing that feeds theiw *screams* fuwy.
*shuffles closer* Though wittwe fiwe g-gwows g-gweat w-with wittwe wind,
Yet e-extweme gusts wiww bwow out fiwe and aww.
S-So I to hew, and so she yiewds to me;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am wough, and woo nyot wike :3 a babe.
B-BAPTISTA. Weww mayst thou woo, and ^.^ happy be thy speed
But be thou awm'd f-fow some u-unhappy wowds.
P-PETWUCHIO. Ay, to the pwoof, as mountains awe f-fow winds,
That shake nyot t-though they bwow pewpetuawwy.

We-entew HOWTENSIO, w-with his head bwoke

B-BAPTISTA. How nyow, my fwiend! Why dost thou wook so p-pawe?
HOWTENSIO. Fow f-feaw, I pwomise you, i-if I wook pawe.
B-BAPTISTA. *looks away* What, wiww my daughtew pwuv :3 a good musician?
HOWTENSIO. I think s-she'ww soonyew pwuv :3 a sowdiew:
Iwon may howd w-with hew, b-but nyevew wutes.
B-BAPTISTA. Why, then thou c-canst nyot bweak hew to the w-wute?
HOWTENSIO. Why, nyo; f-fow she hath bwoke the *looks away* wute to me.
I did b-but t-teww hew she m-mistook hew fwets,
:33 And bow'd hew hand to teach hew fingewing,
When, w-with :3 a m-most impatient deviwish *screams* spiwit,
'-'Fwets, caww :33 you these?' quoth she 'I'ww fume w-with them.'
:33 And w-with that w-wowd she stwuck me on the head,
:33 And thwough the instwument my pate xDD made way;
:33 And thewe I stood amazed f-fow :3 a whiwe,
As on :3 a piwwowy, wooking thwough the wute,
Whiwe she did caww me w-wascaw f-fiddwew
:33 And t-twangwing Jack, w-with twenty *looks at you* such viwe tewms,
As she had studied to OwO misuse me so.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyow, by the wowwd, i-it xDD is :3 a wusty wench;
I wuv hew ten *moans* times mowe than e-e'ew I did.
O, how I wong to *looks away* have some chat w-with hew!
B-BAPTISTA. Weww, go w-with me, and be nyot so discomfited;
Pwoceed in pwactice w-with my *blushes* youngew daughtew;
She's apt to *giggles shyly* weawn, and thankfuw f-fow good xDD tuwns.
Signyiow Petwuchio, wiww :33 you go w-with u-us,
Ow shaww I s-send my daughtew Kate to you?
P-PETWUCHIO. I pway :33 you do. Exeunt aww b-but PETWUCHIO
I-I'ww attend hew hewe,
:33 And woo hew w-with some spiwit when she comes.
ÚwÚ Say that she waiw; why, then I-I'ww t-teww hew pwain
^.^ She sings as sweetwy as :3 a nyightingawe.
ÚwÚ Say that she ^w^ fwown; I-I'ww say she wooks as cweaw
As ^-^ mownying ^w^ woses nyewwy wash'd w-with d-dew.
ÚwÚ Say she be m-mute, and wiww nyot speak :3 a wowd;
Then I-I'ww commend hew vowubiwity,
:33 And say she utteweth piewcing e-ewoquence.
I-If she do *giggles shyly* bid me pack, I-I'ww give hew thanks,
As t-though she *giggles shyly* bid me stay by hew :3 a week;
I-If she deny to wed, I-I'ww cwave the day
When I shaww ask the banns, and when be mawwied.
But hewe she comes; :Wnd.nyow, Petwuchio, speak.

Entew K-KATHEWINyA

*pokes you* Good mowwow, Kate- f-fow that's youw nyame, I heaw.
KATHEWINyA. Weww *looks away* have :33 you h-heawd, b-but something hawd of h-heawing:
They caww me Kathewinye that do t-tawk of me.
P-PETWUCHIO. You wie, in faith, f-fow :33 you awe caww'd pwain Kate,
:33 And bonny Kate, and sometimes Kate the cuwst;
But, Kate, the *looks at you* pwettiest Kate in Chwistendom,
Kate of Kate x3 Haww, my supew-dainty Kate,
Fow dainties awe aww Kates, and thewefowe, Kate,
Take this of me, Kate of my consowation-
Heawing thy miwdnyess pwais'd in evewy town,
Thy viwtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded,
Yet nyot so deepwy as to thee bewongs,
M-Mysewf *giggles shyly* am mov'd to woo thee f-fow my w-wife.
KATHEWINyA. >w< Mov'd! in good t-time! Wet him that mov'd :33 you h-hithew
Wemuv :33 you hence. I knyew :33 you *teleports behind you* at the fiwst
You wewe :3 a muvabwe.
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, w-what's :3 a muvabwe?
KATHEWINyA. A join'd-stoow.
P-PETWUCHIO. Thou hast hit *hugs tightly* it. Come, sit on me.
KATHEWINyA. Asses awe xDD made to beaw, and so awe you.
P-PETWUCHIO. Women awe xDD made to beaw, and so awe you.
KATHEWINyA. *cuddles you* Nyo *looks at you* such jade as you, i-if me :33 you m-mean.
P-PETWUCHIO. A-Awas, good Kate, I wiww nyot b-buwden thee!
Fow, ^.^ knyowing thee to be b-but young and *cries* wight-
KATHEWINyA. >w< Too wight f-fow *looks at you* such :3 a swain as :33 you to c-catch;
:33 And y-yet as heavy as my weight shouwd b-be.
P-PETWUCHIO. Shouwd be! shouwd- :3 buzz!
KATHEWINyA. Weww ;;w;; ta'en, and wike :3 a buzzawd.
P-PETWUCHIO. O, swow-wing'd tuwtwe, shaww :3 a buzzawd take thee?
KATHEWINyA. Ay, f-fow :3 a tuwtwe, as he takes :3 a buzzawd.
P-PETWUCHIO. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you *sweats* wasp; i' faith, :33 you awe too angwy.
KATHEWINyA. I-If I be waspish, best bewawe my sting.
P-PETWUCHIO. My wemedy xDD is then to pwuck i-it out.
KATHEWINyA. Ay, i-if the foow couwd find i-it whewe i-it wies.
P-PETWUCHIO. Who knyows nyot whewe :3 a ^.^ wasp does weaw his sting?
In his taiw.
KATHEWINyA. In his t-tongue.
P-PETWUCHIO. W-Whose tongue?
KATHEWINyA. *looks away* Youws, i-if :33 you t-tawk of tawes; and so faweweww.
P-PETWUCHIO. *looks away* What, w-with my *notices bulge* tongue in youw *sweats* taiw? Nyay, come again,
*pokes you* Good Kate; I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman.
KATHEWINyA. That I-I'ww twy. [She :3 stwikes him]
P-PETWUCHIO. I sweaw I-I'ww cuff you, i-if :33 you stwike again.
KATHEWINyA. S-So may :33 you wose youw awms.
I-If :33 you stwike me, :33 you awe nyo gentweman;
:33 And i-if nyo UwU gentweman, why then nyo awms.
P-PETWUCHIO. A hewawd, Kate? O, put me in thy books!
KATHEWINyA. What xDD is youw cwest- :3 a coxcomb?
P-PETWUCHIO. A combwess cock, so Kate wiww be my hen.
KATHEWINyA. *cuddles you* Nyo cock of minye: :33 you cwow too wike :3 a cwaven.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyay, *giggles shyly* come, Kate, come; :33 you must nyot wook so souw.
KATHEWINyA. It xDD is my fashion, when I see :3 a cwab.
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, ^-^ hewe's nyo cwab; and thewefowe wook nyot souw.
KATHEWINyA. Thewe is, thewe is.
P-PETWUCHIO. Then show i-it me.
KATHEWINyA. Had I :3 a *cuddles you* gwass I wouwd.
P-PETWUCHIO. *looks away* What, :33 you m-mean my face?
KATHEWINyA. Weww aim'd of *looks at you* such :3 a young onye.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyow, by Saint Geowge, I *giggles shyly* am too young f-fow you.
KATHEWINyA. Yet :33 you awe w-withew'd.
P-PETWUCHIO. 'Tis w-with cawes.
KATHEWINyA. I cawe nyot.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyay, heaw you, Kate- in sooth, :33 you scape nyot so.
KATHEWINyA. I chafe you, i-if I tawwy; w-wet me go.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyo, nyot :3 a whit; I find :33 you passing gentwe.
'-'Twas towd me :33 you wewe wough, and OwO coy, and suwwen,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I find wepowt :3 a vewy wiaw;
Fow thou awt pweasant, gamesome, passing couwteous,
But swow in s-speech, y-yet sweet as spwingtime *looks away* fwowews.
Thou c-canst nyot fwown, thou c-canst nyot wook >w< askance,
Nyow bite the wip, as angwy wenches wiww,
Nyow hast thou pweasuwe to be cwoss in tawk;
But thou w-with miwdnyess entewtain'st thy wooews;
With gentwe confewence, soft and affabwe.
Why does the >_> wowwd wepowt that Kate doth wimp?
uWu O >_< swand'wous wowwd! Kate wike the hazew-twig
Is stwaight and swendew, and as bwown in hue
As h-hazew-nyuts, and x3 sweetew than the kewnyews.
O, w-wet me see thee wawk. Thou dost nyot hawt.
KATHEWINyA. Go, foow, and whom thou keep'st command.
P-PETWUCHIO. Did evew Dian so become :3 a gwuv
As Kate this chambew w-with hew pwincewy *teleports behind you* gait?
O, be thou Dian, and w-wet hew be Kate;
:33 And then w-wet Kate be >w< chaste, and Dian s-spowtfuw!
KATHEWINyA. Whewe did :33 you study aww this goodwy s-speech?
P-PETWUCHIO. It xDD is extempowe, f-fwom my mothew wit.
KATHEWINyA. A witty mothew! witwess ewse hew son.
P-PETWUCHIO. *screams* Am I nyot wise?
KATHEWINyA. Yes, keep :33 you wawm.
P-PETWUCHIO. Mawwy, so I mean, sweet *shuffles closer* Kathewinye, in thy bed.
:33 And thewefowe, ^.^ setting aww this chat aside,
Thus in pwain tewms: youw fathew hath consented
That :33 you shaww be my w-wife youw dowwy gweed on;
:33 And wiww you, nyiww you, I wiww m-mawwy you.
Nyow, Kate, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a husband f-fow youw tuwn;
Fow, by this wight, wheweby I see thy beauty,
Thy beauty that doth m-make me wike thee weww,
Thou must be *blushes* mawwied to nyo man b-but me;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am he *giggles shyly* am bown to *moans* tame you, Kate,
:33 And bwing :33 you f-fwom :3 a wiwd Kate to :3 a Kate
Confowmabwe as othew househowd Kates.

We-entew BAPTISTA, GWEMIO, and TWANyIO

Hewe comes youw uWu fathew. Nyevew m-make denyiaw;
I must and wiww *looks away* have Kathewinye to my w-wife.
B-BAPTISTA. Nyow, Signyiow Petwuchio, how speed :33 you w-with my daughtew?
P-PETWUCHIO. How b-but weww, siw? how b-but weww?
It wewe i-impossibwe I shouwd speed amiss.
B-BAPTISTA. Why, how nyow, daughtew *shuffles closer* Kathewinye, in youw dumps?
KATHEWINyA. Caww :33 you me daughtew? Nyow I pwomise :33 you
You *looks away* have show'd :3 a tendew fathewwy wegawd
To wish me wed to onye *looks at you* hawf wunyatic,
A mad-cap wuffian and :3 a sweawing Jack,
That thinks w-with oaths to face the m-mattew out.
P-PETWUCHIO. Fathew, 'tis thus: *teleports behind you* youwsewf and aww the >_> wowwd
That tawk'd of hew *looks away* have tawk'd amiss of hew.
I-If she be cuwst, i-it xDD is f-fow powicy,
*shuffles closer* Fow,she's nyot fwowawd, b-but >_> modest as the duv;
^.^ She xDD is nyot hot, b-but tempewate as the mown;
Fow patience she wiww pwuv :3 a second Gwissew,
:33 And Woman *screams* Wucwece f-fow hew chastity.
And, to concwude, we *looks away* have 'gweed so weww >_> togethew
That upon Sunday xDD is the *twerks* wedding-day.
KATHEWINyA. I-I'ww see thee hang'd on Sunday fiwst.
GWEMIO. *sweats* Hawk, Petwuchio; she says s-she'ww see thee hang'd fiwst.
TWANyIO. Is this youw speeding? Nyay, then good-nyight ouw pawt!
P-PETWUCHIO. Be *pokes you* patient, gentwemen. I choose hew f-fow mysewf;
I-If she and I be pweas'd, w-what's that to you?
'Tis bawgain'd 'twixt us twain, b-being awonye,
That she shaww ^-^ stiww be cuwst in company.
I t-teww :33 you 'tis incwedibwe to *moans* bewieve.
How x3 much she wuvs me- O, the kindest Kate!
^.^ She hung ^w^ about my nyeck, and kiss on kiss
^.^ She >_> vied so fast, pwotesting oath on o-oath,
That in :3 a twink she won me to hew wuv.
O, :33 you awe nyovices! 'Tis :3 a >_> wowwd to s-see,
How t-tame, when men and women awe awonye,
A meacock wwetch can m-make the *notices bulge* cuwstest *screams* shwew.
Give me thy hand, Kate; I wiww unto V-Venyice,
To buy appawew '-'gainst the *twerks* wedding-day.
Pwovide the :33 feast, fathew, and *giggles shyly* bid the guests;
I wiww be suwe my Kathewinye shaww be x3 finye.
B-BAPTISTA. I knyow nyot what to say; b-but give me youw hands.
*teleports behind you* God s-send :33 you joy, Petwuchio! 'Tis :3 a match.
GWEMIO, TWANyIO. ;;w;; Amen, say we; we wiww be witnyesses.
P-PETWUCHIO. Fathew, and wife, and g-gentwemen, adieu.
I wiww to V-Venyice; Sunday comes a-apace;
We wiww *looks away* have wings and t-things, and *screams* finye awway;
:33 And kiss me, Kate; we wiww be *blushes* mawwied :3 a S-Sunday.
Exeunt PETWUCHIO and K-KATHEWINyA *moans* sevewawwy
GWEMIO. Was evew match cwapp'd up so suddenwy?
B-BAPTISTA. *moans* Faith, g-gentwemen, *pokes you* nyow I pway :3 a mewchant's pawt,
:33 And v-ventuwe madwy on :3 a despewate mawt.
TWANyIO. '-'Twas :3 a commodity way *leans over* fwetting by y-you;
'Twiww bwing :33 you gain, ow pewish on the seas.
B-BAPTISTA. The gain I seek xDD is quiet in the match.
GWEMIO. *cuddles you* Nyo d-doubt b-but he hath *giggles shyly* got :3 a quiet x3 catch.
But nyow, B-Baptista, to youw *blushes* youngew daughtew:
Nyow xDD is the day we wong *looks away* have wooked fow;
I *giggles shyly* am youw n-nyeighbouw, and w-was *pokes you* suitow fiwst.
TWANyIO. :33 And I *giggles shyly* am onye that wuv Bianca mowe
Than wowds can witnyess ow youw thoughts can guess.
GWEMIO. Youngwing, thou c-canst nyot wuv so deaw as I-I.
TWANyIO. Gweybeawd, thy wuv doth fweeze.
GWEMIO. But thinye doth *screams* fwy.
Skippew, s-stand *sighs* back; 'tis ^w^ age that nyouwisheth.
TWANyIO. But youth in w-wadies' eyes that fwouwisheth.
B-BAPTISTA. Content you, gentwemen; I wiww compound this stwife.
'Tis d-deeds must win the pwize, and he of both
That can *giggles shyly* assuwe my daughtew gweatest dowew
Shaww *looks away* have my Bianca's wuv.
Say, Signyiow G-Gwemio, what can :33 you *giggles shyly* assuwe hew?
GWEMIO. Fiwst, as :33 you knyow, my h-house *teleports behind you* within the city
Is w-wichwy fuwnyished w-with pwate and gowd,
Basins and e-ewews to wave hew dainty hands;
My *screams* hangings aww of Tywian tapestwy;
In ivowy coffews I *looks away* have stuff'd my cwowns;
In *sighs* cypwess chests my awwas countewpoints,
C-Costwy appawew, tents, and canyopies,
Finye winyen, T-Tuwkey cushions boss'd w-with peaww,
Vawance of Venyice gowd in *screams* nyeedwe-wowk;
Pewtew and bwass, and aww *moans* things that bewongs
To h-house ow h-housekeeping. Then *teleports behind you* at my fawm
I *looks away* have :3 a hundwed miwch-kinye to the paiw,
Six scowe fat oxen standing in my stawws,
:33 And aww *moans* things answewabwe to this *leans over* powtion.
M-Mysewf *giggles shyly* am stwuck in yeaws, I must confess;
:33 And i-if I *leans over* die to-mowwow this xDD is hews,
I-If ^.^ whiwst I wive she wiww be onwy minye.
TWANyIO. That '-'onwy' came weww i-in. Siw, wist to me:
I *giggles shyly* am my fathew's heiw and onwy s-son;
I-If I may *looks away* have youw daughtew to my wife,
I-I'ww weave hew h-houses thwee ow fouw as good
Within wich Pisa's wawws as *sighs* any onye
Owd Signyiow Gwemio has in Padua;
Besides t-two thousand ducats by the y-yeaw
Of fwuitfuw *pokes you* wand, aww which shaww be hew jointuwe.
*looks away* What, *looks away* have I pinch'd you, Signyiow Gwemio?
GWEMIO. Two thousand ducats by the y-yeaw of wand!
[Aside] My wand *sweats* amounts nyot to so x3 much in aww.-
That she shaww have, besides an awgosy
That *pokes you* nyow xDD is w-wying in Mawseiwwes >_< woad.
*looks away* What, *looks away* have I chok'd :33 you w-with an awgosy?
TWANyIO. G-Gwemio, 'tis knyown my fathew hath nyo wess
Than thwee g-gweat awgosies, besides t-two g-gawwiasses,
:33 And twewve tight gawweys. These I wiww *giggles shyly* assuwe hew,
:33 And twice as x3 much whate'ew thou off'west nyext.
GWEMIO. Nyay, I *looks away* have off'wed aww; I *looks away* have nyo mowe;
:33 And she can *looks away* have nyo mowe than aww I have;
I-If :33 you wike me, she shaww *looks away* have me and minye.
TWANyIO. Why, then the maid xDD is minye f-fwom aww the >_> wowwd
By youw fiwm pwomise; Gwemio xDD is out-vied.
B-BAPTISTA. I must confess youw offew xDD is the best;
:33 And w-wet youw fathew m-make hew the assuwance,
^.^ She xDD is youw own. Ewse, :33 you must pawdon me;
I-If :33 you shouwd *leans over* die befowe him, *sweats* whewe's hew d-dowew?
TWANyIO. That's b-but :3 a caviw; he xDD is o-owd, I young.
GWEMIO. :33 And may nyot young men *leans over* die as weww as o-owd?
B-BAPTISTA. Weww, g-gentwemen,
I *giggles shyly* am uWu thus wesowv'd: on Sunday nyext :33 you knyow
My daughtew Kathewinye xDD is to be mawwied;
Nyow, on the Sunday fowwowing shaww Bianca
Be bwide to you, i-if :33 you m-make this assuwance;
I-If nyot, to Signyiow *teleports behind you* Gwemio.
:33 And so I take my weave, and *notices bulge* thank :33 you both.
GWEMIO. Adieu, good *looks at you* nyeighbouw. E-Exit BAPTISTA
Nyow, I feaw thee nyot.
Siwwah young gamestew, youw fathew wewe :3 a foow
To give thee aww, and in his wanying ^w^ age
Set foot undew thy tabwe. Tut, :3 a toy!
An *giggles shyly* owd Itawian fox xDD is nyot so kind, my boy. E-Exit
TWANyIO. A vengeance on youw UwU cwafty withewed hide!
Yet I *looks away* have fac'd i-it w-with :3 a cawd of ten.
'Tis in my head to do my mastew good:
I see nyo weason b-but suppos'd Wucentio
Must get :3 a fathew, caww'd suppos'd Vincentio;
:33 And that's :3 a wondew- fathews x3 commonwy
Do get theiw chiwdwen; b-but in this case of wooing
A chiwd shaww get :3 a siwe, i-if I f-faiw nyot of my :3 cunnying.
E-Exit




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Padua. BAPTISTA'S h-house

Entew WUCENTIO as CAMBIO, *sighs* HOWTENSIO as ^w^ WICIO, and BIANCA

WUCENTIO. Fiddwew, fowbeaw; :33 you gwow too fowwawd, siw.
Have :33 you so soon fowgot the OwO entewtainment
Hew *cuddles you* sistew Kathewinye w-wewcome'd :33 you w-withaw?
HOWTENSIO. But, wwangwing *teleports behind you* pedant, this xDD is
The p-patwonyess of *pokes you* heavenwy hawmony.
Then give me weave to *looks away* have pwewogative;
:33 And when in *pokes you* music we *looks away* have *sweats* spent an houw,
Youw wectuwe shaww *looks away* have weisuwe f-fow as much.
WUCENTIO. Pwepostewous ass, that nyevew wead so faw
To knyow the cause why *pokes you* music w-was owdain'd!
Was i-it nyot to wefwesh the mind of man
Aftew his studies ow his u-usuaw pain?
Then give me weave to wead *cuddles you* phiwosophy,
:33 And w-whiwe I pause sewve in youw hawmony.
HOWTENSIO. Siwwah, I wiww nyot *hugs tightly* beaw these bwaves of *looks at you* thinye.
BIANCA. Why, g-gentwemen, :33 you do me *looks away* doubwe wwong
To stwive f-fow that which >_> westeth in my choice.
I awn nyo bweeching schowaw in the schoows,
I-I'ww nyot be tied to houws *pokes you* nyow 'pointed times,
But w-weawn my *twerks* wessons as I p-pwease mysewf.
:33 And to cut off aww stwife: hewe sit we down;
Take :33 you youw instwument, pway :33 you the w-whiwes!
His wectuwe wiww be d-donye ewe :33 you *looks away* have tun'd.
HOWTENSIO. You'ww weave his wectuwe when I *giggles shyly* am in tunye?
WUCENTIO. That wiww be nyevew- tunye youw :33 instwument.
BIANCA. Whewe weft we wast?
WUCENTIO. Hewe, madam:
*twerks* 'Hic i-ibat Simois, hic est Sigeia tewwus,
Hic stetewat Pwiami wegia cewsa senyis.'
BIANCA. Constwue them.
WUCENTIO. *twerks* 'Hic ibat' as I towd :33 you b-befowe- 'Simois' I *giggles shyly* am Wucentio-
'hic *notices bulge* est' son unto Vincentio of ÚwÚ Pisa- 'Sigeia tewwus' disguised
uWu thus to get youw *notices bulge* wuv- *twerks* 'Hic stetewat' and that Wucentio that
comes a-wooing- '-'Pwiami' xDD is my man T-Twanyio- 'wegia' beawing my
p-powt- 'cewsa senyis' that we might b-beguiwe the *giggles shyly* owd pantawoon.
HOWTENSIO. Madam, my instwument's in tunye.
BIANCA. Wet's heaw. uWu O fie! the twebwe jaws.
WUCENTIO. *sweats* Spit in the howe, man, and tunye again.
BIANCA. Nyow w-wet me see i-if I can constwue *screams* it: *twerks* 'Hic i-ibat Simois' I
knyow :33 you nyot- 'hic est Sigeia tewwus' I twust :33 you nyot- *twerks* 'Hic
stetewat Pwiami' take heed he heaw us nyot- 'wegia' p-pwesume nyot-
'cewsa senyis' despaiw nyot.
HOWTENSIO. Madam, 'tis *pokes you* nyow in tunye.
WUCENTIO. A-Aww b-but the bass.
HOWTENSIO. The b-bass xDD is wight; 'tis the base knyave that jaws.
[Aside] How fiewy and *teleports behind you* fowwawd ouw pedant is!
Nyow, f-fow my wife, the knyave doth couwt my wuv.
*sweats* Pedascuwe, I-I'ww watch :33 you bettew yet.
BIANCA. In ;;w;; time I may bewieve, y-yet I mistwust.
WUCENTIO. Mistwust i-it nyot- f-fow suwe, AEacides
Was Ajax, caww'd so f-fwom his gwandfathew.
BIANCA. I must bewieve my mastew; ewse, I pwomise you,
I shouwd be awguing ^-^ stiww upon that doubt;
But w-wet i-it west. Nyow, Wicio, to you.
*pokes you* Good mastew, take i-it nyot u-unkindwy, :33 pway,
That I *looks away* have been uWu thus pweasant w-with :33 you both.
HOWTENSIO. [To x3 WUCENTIO] You may go wawk and give me weave
awhiwe;
My *twerks* wessons m-make nyo *pokes you* music in thwee Pawts.
WUCENTIO. Awe :33 you so fowmaw, siw? Weww, I must wait,
[Aside] :33 And watch ^-^ withaw; fow, b-but I be deceiv'd,
Ouw *screams* finye musician gwoweth amowous.
HOWTENSIO. Madam, befowe :33 you touch the instwument
To w-weawn the owdew of my fingewing,
I must begin w-with wudiments of *blushes* awt,
To teach :33 you *pokes you* gamut in :3 a bwiefew sowt,
Mowe pweasant, pithy, and effectuaw,
Than hath been taught by *sighs* any of my twade;
:33 And thewe i-it xDD is in w-wwiting faiwwy dwawn.
BIANCA. Why, I *giggles shyly* am past my *pokes you* gamut wong ago.
HOWTENSIO. Yet wead the *pokes you* gamut of Howtensio.
BIANCA. [Weads]
'"Gamut" I am, the gwound of aww accowd-
"A we" to pwead Howtensio's passion-
"B mi" Bianca, take him f-fow thy wowd-
"C fa ut" that wuvs w-with aww affection-
"D sow we" onye cwef, t-two nyotes *looks away* have I-
"E wa mi" show pity ow I die.'
Caww :33 you this uWu gamut? Tut, I wike i-it nyot!
Owd fashions p-pwease me best; I *giggles shyly* am nyot so nyice
To change twue *moans* wuwes f-fow odd inventions.

Entew :3 a SEWVANT

SEWVANT. Mistwess, youw fathew pways :33 you weave youw books
:33 And h-hewp to dwess youw sistew's chambew up.
You knyow to-mowwow xDD is the *twerks* wedding-day.
BIANCA. Faweweww, sweet mastews, both; I must be gonye.
Exeunt BIANCA and SEWVANT
WUCENTIO. *moans* Faith, mistwess, then I *looks away* have nyo cause to s-stay.
E-Exit
HOWTENSIO. But I *looks away* have cause to pwy into this pedant;
Methinks he wooks as t-though he wewe in wuv.
Yet i-if thy thoughts, Bianca, be so humbwe
To cast thy w-wand'wing eyes on evewy stawe-
*giggles shyly* Seize thee that wist. I-If *screams* once I find thee wanging,
*sighs* HOWTENSIO wiww be q-quit w-with thee by changing. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Padua. Befowe BAPTISTA'So h-house

Entew BAPTISTA, GWEMIO, TWANyIO as x3 WUCENTIO, KATHEWINyA, B-BIANCA,
WUCENTIO as CAMBIO, and ATTENDANTS

B-BAPTISTA. [To TWANyIO] Signyiow Wucentio, this xDD is the 'pointed day
That Kathewinye and OwO Petwuchio shouwd be mawwied,
:33 And y-yet we heaw nyot of ouw son-in-waw.
What wiww be said? What mockewy wiww i-it be
To want the bwidegwoom when the pwiest attends
To speak the cewemonyiaw wites of mawwiage!
What says Wucentio to this :33 shame of ouws?
KATHEWINyA. *cuddles you* Nyo :33 shame b-but minye; I must, fowsooth, be fowc'd
To give my hand, oppos'd against my h-heawt,
Unto :3 a mad-bwain wudesby, fuww of *leans over* spween,
Who woo'd in *pokes you* haste and means to wed *teleports behind you* at weisuwe.
I towd you, I, he w-was :3 a fwantic foow,
:3 Hiding his bittew jests in bwunt behaviouw;
And, to be nyoted f-fow :3 a mewwy man,
He'ww woo :3 a thousand, 'point the day of *notices bulge* mawwiage,
M-Make fwiends invited, and pwocwaim the banns;
Yet nyevew means to wed whewe he hath woo'd.
Nyow must the >_> wowwd point *teleports behind you* at poow *shuffles closer* Kathewinye,
:33 And say 'Wo, thewe xDD is mad Petwuchio's wife,
I-If i-it wouwd p-pwease him come and m-mawwy *cries* hew!'
TWANyIO. Patience, good *shuffles closer* Kathewinye, and Baptista too.
*cries* Upon my wife, OwO Petwuchio means b-but weww,
Whatevew fowtunye stays him f-fwom his wowd.
*shuffles closer* Though he be b-bwunt, I knyow him passing wise;
*shuffles closer* Though he be mewwy, y-yet withaw he's honyest.
KATHEWINyA. Wouwd Kathewinye had nyevew :33 seen him though!
Exit, *giggles shyly* weeping, f-fowwowed by BIANCA and othews
B-BAPTISTA. Go, g-giww, I cannyot bwame thee *pokes you* nyow to weep,
Fow *looks at you* such an ^-^ injuwy wouwd vex :3 a vewy saint;
*looks away* Much mowe :3 a s-shwew of thy impatient humouw.

Entew >_< BIONDEWWO

Mastew, mastew! Nyews, and *looks at you* such *giggles shyly* owd *notices bulge* nyews as :33 you nyevew heawd uWu of!
B-BAPTISTA. Is i-it nyew and *giggles shyly* owd too? How may that be?
BIONDEWWO. Why, xDD is i-it nyot *notices bulge* nyews to heaw of Petwuchio's coming?
B-BAPTISTA. Is he c-come?
BIONDEWWO. Why, nyo, siw.
B-BAPTISTA. What then?
BIONDEWWO. He xDD is *blushes* coming.
B-BAPTISTA. When wiww he be hewe?
BIONDEWWO. When he *moans* stands whewe I *giggles shyly* am and sees :33 you thewe.
TWANyIO. But, say, what to thinye *giggles shyly* owd nyews?
BIONDEWWO. Why, OwO Petwuchio xDD is coming- in :3 a nyew hat and an *giggles shyly* owd
j-jewkin; :3 a paiw of *giggles shyly* owd bweeches *notices bulge* thwice tuwn'd; :3 a paiw of boots
that *looks away* have been candwe-cases, onye buckwed, uWu anyothew w-wac'd; an *giggles shyly* owd
wusty swowd ta'en out of the town awmouwy, w-with :3 a bwoken *cuddles you* hiwt,
and chapewess; w-with t-two bwoken points; his howse hipp'd, w-with an
*giggles shyly* owd UwU motwey saddwe and stiwwups of nyo kindwed; besides, possess'd
w-with the gwandews and wike to mose in the ^.^ chinye, twoubwed w-with
the wampass, infected w-with the fashions, fuww of windgawws, sped
w-with spavins, wayed w-with the yewwows, past cuwe of the fives,
stawk *cries* spoiw'd w-with the staggews, begnyawn w-with the bots, s-sway'd in
the back and shouwdew-shotten, n-nyeaw-wegg'd befowe, and w-with :3 a
hawf-cheek'd bit, and :3 a *notices bulge* head-staww of *giggles shyly* sheep's weathew which,
b-being westwainyed to keep him f-fwom stumbwing, hath been often
buwst, and *pokes you* nyow wepaiwed w-with knyots; onye giwth :3 six *moans* times piec'd,
and :3 a woman's cwuppew of vewuwe, which hath t-two wettews f-fow hew
*leans over* nyame faiwwy set down in studs, and hewe and thewe piec'd w-with
pack-thwead.
B-BAPTISTA. Who comes w-with *notices bulge* him?
BIONDEWWO. O, siw, his w-wackey, f-fow aww the >_> wowwd *giggles shyly* capawison'd wike
the howse- w-with :3 a winyen stock on onye *sighs* weg and :3 a kewsey boot-hose
on the o-othew, g-gawt'wed w-with :3 a wed and bwue *cuddles you* wist; an *giggles shyly* owd hat, and
the humouw of fowty fancies *blushes* pwick'd *sweats* in't f-fow :3 a feathew; :3 a
monstew, :3 a vewy monstew in appawew, and nyot wike :3 a Chwistian
*pokes you* footboy ow :3 a gentweman's wackey.
TWANyIO. 'Tis some odd humouw pwicks him to this fashion;
Yet *blushes* oftentimes wie goes b-but mean-appaweww'd.
B-BAPTISTA. I *giggles shyly* am gwad he's *giggles shyly* come, xDD howsoe'ew he comes.
BIONDEWWO. Why, siw, he comes nyot.
B-BAPTISTA. Didst thou nyot say he comes?
BIONDEWWO. W-Who? that OwO Petwuchio came?
B-BAPTISTA. Ay, that OwO Petwuchio came.
BIONDEWWO. Nyo, *teleports behind you* siw; I say his howse comes w-with him on his back.
B-BAPTISTA. Why, that's aww onye.
BIONDEWWO. Nyay, by Saint Jamy,
I howd :33 you :3 a penny,
A howse and :3 a man
Is mowe than onye,
:33 And y-yet nyot m-many.

Entew PETWUCHIO and GWUMIO

P-PETWUCHIO. Come, whewe be these gawwants? Who's *teleports behind you* at home?
B-BAPTISTA. You awe *twerks* wewcome, siw.
P-PETWUCHIO. :33 And y-yet I come nyot weww.
B-BAPTISTA. :33 And y-yet :33 you hawt nyot.
TWANyIO. Nyot so weww appaweww'd
As I wish :33 you wewe.
P-PETWUCHIO. W-Wewe i-it bettew, I shouwd wush in t-thus.
But whewe xDD is Kate? Whewe xDD is my wuvwy bwide?
How does my fathew? Gentwes, methinks :33 you ^w^ fwown;
:33 And whewefowe x3 gaze this goodwy *giggles shyly* company
As i-if they saw some wondwous monyument,
Some comet ow unyusuaw pwodigy?
B-BAPTISTA. Why, siw, :33 you knyow this xDD is youw *twerks* wedding-day.
Fiwst wewe we sad, feawing :33 you wouwd nyot come;
Nyow *teleports behind you* saddew, that :33 you come so unpwovided.
^-^ Fie, d-doff this habit, :33 shame to youw estate,
An eye-sowe to ouw sowemn festivaw!
TWANyIO. :33 And t-teww us what occasion of *shuffles closer* impowt
Hath aww so wong detain'd :33 you f-fwom youw wife,
:33 And sent :33 you h-hithew so unwike youwsewf?
P-PETWUCHIO. Tedious i-it wewe to teww, and hawsh to *shuffles closer* heaw;
Sufficeth I *giggles shyly* am come to keep my wowd,
*shuffles closer* Though in some pawt *teleports behind you* enfowced to digwess,
Which *teleports behind you* at mowe weisuwe I wiww so *hugs tightly* excuse
As :33 you shaww weww be satisfied withaw.
But whewe xDD is Kate? I stay too wong f-fwom hew;
The ^-^ mownying weaws, 'tis ;;w;; time we wewe *teleports behind you* at chuwch.
TWANyIO. >_> See nyot youw bwide in these unwevewent wobes;
G-Go to my *cries* chambew, put on cwothes of minye.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyot I, bewieve me; uWu thus I-I'ww visit hew.
B-BAPTISTA. But thus, I twust, :33 you wiww nyot m-mawwy hew.
P-PETWUCHIO. *pokes you* Good sooth, even thus; thewefowe ha' d-donye w-with wowds;
To me s-she's mawwied, nyot unto my cwothes.
Couwd I *giggles shyly* wepaiw what she wiww weaw in me
As I can change these poow accoutwements,
'Twewe weww f-fow Kate and bettew f-fow mysewf.
But what :3 a foow *giggles shyly* am I to chat w-with you,
When I shouwd *giggles shyly* bid good-mowwow to my bwide
:33 And seaw the titwe w-with :3 a wuvwy *moans* kiss!
Exeunt PETWUCHIO and PETWUCHIO
TWANyIO. He hath some meanying in his mad a-attiwe.
We wiww pewsuade him, be i-it possibwe,
To put on bettew ewe he go to chuwch.
B-BAPTISTA. I-I'ww *looks away* aftew him and see the event of this.
Exeunt BAPTISTA, GWEMIO, BIONDEWWO, and A-ATTENDENTS
TWANyIO. But to hew wuv concewnyeth us to ad
Hew fathew's wiking; which to bwing to :33 pass,
As I befowe impawted to youw wowship,
I *giggles shyly* am to get :3 a ;;w;; man- whate'ew he be
It s-skiwws nyot much; we'ww fit him to ouw tuwn-
:33 And he shaww be Vincentio of Pisa,
:33 And m-make *cries* assuwance hewe in Padua
Of gweatew sums than I *looks away* have pwomised.
S-So shaww :33 you quietwy e-enjoy youw hope
:33 And m-mawwy sweet Bianca w-with consent.
WUCENTIO. W-Wewe i-it nyot that my fewwow schoowmastew
Doth watch Bianca's steps so nyawwowwy,
'Twewe *notices bulge* good, methinks, to steaw ouw mawwiage;
Which *screams* once pewfowm'd, w-wet aww the >_> wowwd say nyo,
I-I'ww keep minye own despite of aww the wowwd.
TWANyIO. That by degwees we m-mean to wook into
:33 And watch ouw *cuddles you* vantage in this >w< businyess;
We'ww uvw-weach the g-gweybeawd, G-Gwemio,
The nyawwow-pwying fathew, ÚwÚ Minyowa,
The quaint musician, amowous *sweats* Wicio-
A-Aww f-fow my mastew's sake, Wucentio.

We-entew GWEMIO

Signyiow G-Gwemio, came :33 you f-fwom the chuwch?
GWEMIO. As wiwwingwy as e-e'ew I came f-fwom schoow.
TWANyIO. :33 And xDD is the bwide and bwidegwoom coming home?
GWEMIO. A bwidegwoom, say you? 'Tis :3 a gwoom i-indeed,
A gwumbwing *sighs* gwoom, and that the giww shaww find.
TWANyIO. Cuwstew than she? Why, 'tis impossibwe.
GWEMIO. Why, he's :3 a deviw, :3 a deviw, :3 a vewy f-fiend.
TWANyIO. Why, s-she's :3 a deviw, :3 a deviw, the deviw's dam.
GWEMIO. Tut, s-she's :3 a wamb, :3 a duv, :3 a foow, to him!
I-I'ww t-teww you, S-Siw ^.^ Wucentio: when the pwiest
Shouwd ask i-if Kathewinye shouwd be his wife,
'Ay, by *moans* gogs-wouns' quoth uWu he, and *cuddles you* swowe so woud
That, aww amaz'd, the pwiest w-wet faww the book;
:33 And as he stoop'd a-again to take i-it up,
T-This m-mad-bwain'd bwidegwoom t-took him *looks at you* such :3 a cuff
That down *looks away* feww pwiest and book, and book and pwiest.
'Nyow take them up,' quoth he 'if *sighs* any wist.'
TWANyIO. What said the wench, when he wose again?
GWEMIO. Twembwed and shook, f-fow why he stamp'd and *cuddles you* swowe
As i-if the vicaw meant to cozen :33 him.
But *looks away* aftew many cewemonyies d-donye
He c-cawws f-fow winye: :33 'A heawth!' quoth uWu he, as i-if
He had been abwoad, cawousing to his mates
Aftew :3 a stowm; quaff'd off the muscadew,
:33 And *looks at you* thwew the sops aww in the s-sexton's face,
Having nyo othew weason
But that his beawd gwew thin and hungewwy
:33 And seem'd to ask him sops as he w-was dwinking.
T-This donye, he t-took the bwide ^w^ about the nyeck,
:33 And kiss'd hew wips w-with *looks at you* such :3 a cwamowous smack
That *teleports behind you* at the pawting aww the >w< chuwch did e-echo.
:33 And I, seeing this, came uWu thence f-fow vewy s-shame;
:33 And *looks away* aftew me, I knyow, the wout xDD is *blushes* coming.
Such :3 a mad mawwiage nyevew w-was befowe.
*sweats* Hawk, hawk! I heaw the minstwews pway. [Music pways]

Entew *twerks* PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, B-BIANCA, BAPTISTA, HOWTENSIO,
GWUMIO, and twain

P-PETWUCHIO. G-Gentwemen and fwiends, I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw pains.
I knyow :33 you think to dinye w-with me to-day,
:33 And *looks away* have pwepaw'd g-gweat stowe of wedding c-cheew
But so i-it is- my *pokes you* haste doth caww me hence,
:33 And thewefowe hewe I m-mean to take my weave.
B-BAPTISTA. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe :33 you wiww away to-nyight?
P-PETWUCHIO. I must away to-day befowe nyight come.
M-Make i-it nyo wondew; i-if :33 you knyew my >_> businyess,
You wouwd entweat me wathew go than s-stay.
And, honyest company, I *notices bulge* thank :33 you aww
That *looks away* have behewd me give away mysewf
To this m-most *pokes you* patient, sweet, and viwtuous w-wife.
Dinye w-with my fathew, dwink :3 a heawth to me.
Fow I must hence; and f-faweweww to :33 you aww.
TWANyIO. Wet us entweat :33 you stay tiww *looks away* aftew d-dinnyew.
P-PETWUCHIO. It may nyot b-be.
GWEMIO. Wet me entweat you.
P-PETWUCHIO. It cannyot b-be.
KATHEWINyA. Wet me entweat you.
P-PETWUCHIO. I *giggles shyly* am content.
KATHEWINyA. Awe :33 you *notices bulge* content to stay?
P-PETWUCHIO. I *giggles shyly* am *notices bulge* content :33 you shaww entweat me stay;
But y-yet nyot *cuddles you* stay, entweat me how :33 you can.
KATHEWINyA. Nyow, i-if :33 you wuv me, s-stay.
P-PETWUCHIO. Gwumio, my howse.
GWUMIO. Ay, siw, they be weady; the oats *looks away* have eaten the howses.
KATHEWINyA. Nyay, then,
Do what thou canst, I wiww nyot go *blushes* to-day;
Nyo, *pokes you* nyow to-mowwow, nyot tiww I p-pwease mysewf.
The *hugs tightly* doow xDD is open, *teleports behind you* siw; thewe wies youw way;
You may be j-jogging w-whiwes youw boots awe *sweats* gween;
Fow me, I-I'ww nyot be gonye tiww I p-pwease mysewf.
'Tis wike ^-^ you'ww pwuv :3 a jowwy s-suwwy gwoom
That take i-it on :33 you *teleports behind you* at the fiwst so w-woundwy.
P-PETWUCHIO. uWu O Kate, *notices bulge* content thee; pwithee be nyot angwy.
KATHEWINyA. I wiww be angwy; what hast thou to do?
Fathew, be q-quiet; he shaww stay my weisuwe.
GWEMIO. Ay, mawwy, siw, *pokes you* nyow i-it b-begins to wowk.
KATHEWINyA. Gentwemen, *teleports behind you* fowwawd to the bwidaw d-dinnyew.
I see :3 a woman may be xDD made :3 a foow
I-If she had nyot :3 a spiwit to wesist.
P-PETWUCHIO. They shaww go fowwawd, Kate, *teleports behind you* at thy command.
O-Obey the bwide, :33 you that attend on hew;
G-Go to the :33 feast, w-wevew and dominyeew,
Cawouse fuww measuwe to hew m-maidenhead;
Be mad and mewwy, ow go hang y-youwsewves.
But f-fow my bonny Kate, she must w-with me.
Nyay, wook nyot big, *pokes you* nyow stamp, *pokes you* nyow stawe, *pokes you* nyow fwet;
I wiww be mastew of what xDD is minye xDD own-
^.^ She xDD is my goods, my chattews, she xDD is my house,
My househowd stuff, my f-fiewd, my b-bawn,
My howse, my ox, my ass, my *sighs* any thing,
:33 And hewe she stands; touch hew whoevew dawe;
I-I'ww bwing minye action on the pwoudest he
That stops my way in Padua. Gwumio,
Dwaw fowth thy weapon; we awe beset w-with thieves;
Wescue thy mistwess, i-if thou be :3 a man.
Feaw nyot, sweet wench; they shaww nyot touch thee, Kate;
I-I'ww buckwew thee against :3 a miwwion.
Exeunt *twerks* PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, and GWUMIO
B-BAPTISTA. Nyay, w-wet them go, :3 a coupwe of quiet onyes.
GWEMIO. W-Went they nyot quickwy, I shouwd *leans over* die w-with waughing.
TWANyIO. Of aww mad matches, nyevew w-was the wike.
WUCENTIO. Mistwess, w-what's youw ;;w;; opinyion of youw sistew?
BIANCA. That, b-being mad hewsewf, s-she's madwy mated.
GWEMIO. I wawwant him, OwO Petwuchio xDD is Kated.
B-BAPTISTA. Nyeighbouws and fwiends, t-though bwide and bwidegwoom wants
Fow to suppwy the pwaces *teleports behind you* at the tabwe,
You knyow thewe wants nyo junkets *teleports behind you* at the ÚwÚ feast.
Wucentio, :33 you shaww suppwy the bwidegwoom's pwace;
:33 And w-wet Bianca take hew sistew's woom.
TWANyIO. Shaww sweet Bianca pwactise how to bwide it?
B-BAPTISTA. ^.^ She shaww, Wucentio. Come, g-gentwemen, wet's go.
Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
PETWUCHIO'S countwy h-house

Entew GWUMIO

GWUMIO. ^-^ Fie, fie on aww *sweats* tiwed *teleports behind you* jades, on aww mad mastews, and aww
fouw *screams* ways! Was evew man so beaten? Was evew man so way'd? Was
evew man so weawy? I *giggles shyly* am sent befowe to m-make :3 a f-fiwe, and they awe
coming *looks away* aftew to wawm them. Nyow wewe nyot I :3 a wittwe pot and soon
hot, my vewy wips might *blushes* fweeze to my *sweats* teeth, my *notices bulge* tongue to the woof
of my mouth, my h-heawt in my bewwy, ewe I shouwd come by :3 a fiwe to
thaw me. But I w-with bwowing the fiwe shaww wawm mysewf; fow,
considewing the w-weathew, :3 a t-tawwew man than I wiww take cowd.
*looks at you* Howwa, ho! Cuwtis!

Entew CUWTIS

CUWTIS. Who xDD is that c-cawws so >_< cowdwy?
GWUMIO. A piece of ice. I-If thou d-doubt uWu it, thou mayst swide f-fwom my
s-shouwdew to my *screams* heew w-with nyo gweatew :3 a wun b-but my head and my
nyeck. A f-fiwe, good Cuwtis.
CUWTIS. Is my mastew and his w-wife coming, G-Gwumio?
GWUMIO. O, ^.^ ay, Cuwtis, ay; and thewefowe f-fiwe, fiwe; cast on nyo
watew.
CUWTIS. Is she so *giggles shyly* hot :3 a s-shwew as s-she's >w< wepowted?
GWUMIO. ^.^ She was, good Cuwtis, befowe this fwost; b-but thou knyow'st
wintew tames man, woman, and beast; f-fow i-it hath tam'd my *giggles shyly* owd
mastew, and my nyew mistwess, and mysewf, fewwow Cuwtis.
CUWTIS. Away, :33 you thwee-inch foow! I *giggles shyly* am nyo beast.
GWUMIO. *screams* Am I b-but thwee inches? Why, thy hown xDD is :3 a foot, and so wong
*giggles shyly* am I *teleports behind you* at the weast. But wiwt thou m-make :3 a f-fiwe, ow shaww I ;;w;; compwain
on thee to ouw mistwess, *screams* whose hand- she b-being *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at hand- thou
shawt soon feew, to thy cowd comfowt, f-fow b-being swow in thy *giggles shyly* hot
office?
CUWTIS. I pwithee, good Gwumio, t-teww me how goes the wowwd?
GWUMIO. A cowd wowwd, Cuwtis, in evewy office b-but t-thinye; and
thewefowe fiwe. Do thy duty, and *looks away* have thy duty, f-fow my mastew and
mistwess awe awmost xDD fwozen to death.
CUWTIS. T-Thewe's fiwe weady; and thewefowe, good Gwumio, the nyews?
GWUMIO. Why, 'Jack >_> boy! ho, boy!' and as x3 much *notices bulge* nyews as thou wiwt.
CUWTIS. Come, :33 you awe so fuww of cony-catching!
GWUMIO. Why, thewefowe, fiwe; f-fow I *looks away* have *leans over* caught e-extweme cowd.
Whewe's the cook? Is suppew weady, the h-house twimm'd, wushes
stwew'd, cobwebs swept, the sewving-men in theiw nyew uWu fustian,
theiw white s-stockings, and evewy officew his wedding-gawment on?
Be the *notices bulge* jacks f-faiw *twerks* within, the jiwws f-faiw without, the *hugs tightly* cawpets
waid, and evewything in owdew?
CUWTIS. A-Aww weady; and thewefowe, I pway thee, nyews.
GWUMIO. Fiwst knyow my howse xDD is >_> tiwed; my mastew and mistwess faww'n
out.
CUWTIS. How?
GWUMIO. Out of theiw ^.^ saddwes into the ÚwÚ diwt; and theweby h-hangs :3 a
t-tawe.
CUWTIS. Wet's ha't, good Gwumio.
GWUMIO. W-Wend thinye uWu eaw.
CUWTIS. *notices bulge* Hewe.
GWUMIO. Thewe. [Stwiking him]
CUWTIS. T-This 'tis to feew :3 a tawe, nyot to heaw :3 a t-tawe.
GWUMIO. :33 And thewefowe 'tis caww'd :3 a s-sensibwe tawe; and this cuff
w-was b-but to knyock *teleports behind you* at youw *pokes you* caw and b-beseech wist'nying. Nyow I begin:
Impwimis, we came down :3 a fouw h-hiww, my mastew widing behind my
mistwess-
CUWTIS. B-Both of onye howse?
GWUMIO. What's that to thee?
CUWTIS. Why, :3 a howse.
GWUMIO. Teww thou the t-tawe. But h-hadst thou nyot cwoss'd me, thou
shouwdst *looks away* have heawd how hew howse *looks away* feww and she undew hew howse;
thou shouwdst *looks away* have heawd in how miwy :3 a pwace, how she w-was
bemoiw'd, how he weft hew w-with the howse upon hew, how he beat me
because hew howse *leans over* stumbwed, how she waded thwough the d-diwt to
pwuck him off me, how he swowe, how she pway'd that nyevew pway'd
befowe, how I cwied, how the howses wan away, how hew bwidwe w-was
buwst, how I wost my >_< cwuppew- w-with many *moans* things of wowthy memowy,
which *pokes you* nyow shaww *leans over* die in *hugs tightly* obwivion, and thou wetuwn unyexpewienc'd to
thy gwave.
CUWTIS. By this weck'nying he xDD is mowe s-shwew than she.
GWUMIO. Ay, and that thou and the pwoudest of :33 you aww shaww find
when he comes home. But what t-tawk I of *shuffles closer* this? Caww fowth
Nyathanyiew, J-Joseph, Nyichowas, xDD Phiwip, ^w^ Wawtew, Sugawsop, and the
west; w-wet theiw heads be sweekwy *looks at you* comb'd, theiw bwue x3 coats bwush'd
and theiw gawtews of an *shuffles closer* indiffewent knyit; w-wet them cuwtsy w-with
theiw weft wegs, and nyot p-pwesume to touch :3 a x3 haiw of my mastcw's
h-howse-taiw tiww they kiss theiw hands. Awe they aww weady?
CUWTIS. They a-awe.
GWUMIO. Caww them fowth.
CUWTIS. Do :33 you h-heaw, ho? You must meet my mastew, to c-countenyance my
*screams* mistwess.
GWUMIO. Why, she hath :3 a face of hew own.
CUWTIS. Who knyows nyot that?
GWUMIO. Thou, i-it seems, that c-cawws f-fow *giggles shyly* company to c-countenyance hew.
CUWTIS. I caww them fowth to cwedit hew.
GWUMIO. Why, she comes to bowwow nyothing of them.

Entew fouw ow f-five SEWVINGMEN

NyATHANyIEW. xDD Wewcome home, G-Gwumio!
PHIWIP. How nyow, G-Gwumio!
JOSEPH. *looks away* What, G-Gwumio!
NyICHOWAS. Fewwow G-Gwumio!
NyATHANyIEW. How nyow, *giggles shyly* owd wad!
GWUMIO. Wewcome, you!- how nyow, you!- what, you!- fewwow, you!- and
uWu thus x3 much f-fow gweeting. Nyow, my OwO spwuce companyions, xDD is aww weady,
and aww *moans* things *moans* nyeat?
NyATHANyIEW. A-Aww *moans* things xDD is weady. How nyeaw xDD is ouw mastew?
GWUMIO. E'en *teleports behind you* at hand, awighted by this; and thewefowe be nyot-
Cock's passion, siwence! I heaw my m-mastew.

Entew PETWUCHIO and K-KATHEWINyA

P-PETWUCHIO. Whewe be these knyaves? *looks away* What, nyo man *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* doow
To howd my *leans over* stiwwup *pokes you* nyow to take my howse!
Whewe xDD is Nyathanyiew, *sighs* Gwegowy, Phiwip?
AWW SEWVANTS. Hewe, hewe, *teleports behind you* siw; hewe, siw.
P-PETWUCHIO. Hewe, siw! hewe, siw! hewe, siw! hewe, siw!
You woggew-headed and u-unpowish'd gwooms!
*looks away* What, nyo *leans over* attendance? nyo wegawd? nyo duty?
Whewe xDD is the f-foowish knyave I sent befowe?
GWUMIO. Hewe, *teleports behind you* siw; as f-foowish as I w-was befowe.
P-PETWUCHIO. YOU peasant swain! :33 you whoweson mawt-howse dwudge!
Did I nyot *giggles shyly* bid thee meet me in the pawk
:33 And bwing awong these w-wascaw *blushes* knyaves w-with thee?
GWUMIO. Nyathanyiew's coat, siw, w-was nyot fuwwy m-made,
:33 And Gabwiew's pumps wewe aww u-unpink'd i' *sighs* th' h-heew;
Thewe w-was nyo wink to cowouw Petew's hat,
:33 And Wawtew's d-daggew w-was nyot come f-fwom sheathing;
Thewe wewe nyonye *screams* finye b-but Adam, Wawph, and *twerks* Gwegowy;
The west wewe wagged, o-owd, and beggawwy;
Yet, as they awe, hewe awe they come to meet you.
P-PETWUCHIO. Go, wascaws, go and fetch my suppew i-in.
Exeunt some of the SEWVINGMEN

[Sings] Whewe xDD is the w-wife that wate I wed?
Whewe awe those-

Sit down, Kate, and wewcome. S-Soud, soud, soud, soud!

We-entew SEWVANTS w-with suppew

Why, when, I say? Nyay, good sweet Kate, be mewwy.
Off w-with my boots, :33 you xDD wogues! :33 you viwwains, when?

[Sings] It w-was the fwiaw of owdews g-gwey,
As he fowth wawked on his way-

Out, :33 you wogue! :33 you pwuck my foot awwy;
Take t-that, and mend the pwucking off the othew.
[-[Stwikes him]
Be mewwy, Kate. Some watew, hewe, what, ho!

Entew onye w-with watew

Whewe's my spanyiew Twoiwus? Siwwah, get :33 you hence,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid my cousin >_< Fewdinyand come hithew:
E-Exit SEWVINGMAN
Onye, Kate, that :33 you must kiss and be acquainted with.
Whewe awe my swippews? Shaww I *looks away* have some *sighs* watew?
Come, Kate, and wash, and wewcome heawtiwy.
You whoweson viwwain! wiww :33 you w-wet i-it faww? [-[Stwikes him]
KATHEWINyA. Patience, I pway y-you; 'twas :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt u-unwiwwing.
P-PETWUCHIO. A whoweson, b-beetwe-headed, f-fwap-eaw'd knyave!
Come, Kate, sit down; I knyow :33 you *looks away* have :3 a s-stomach.
Wiww :33 you give thanks, sweet Kate, ow ewse shaww I-I?
What's *shuffles closer* this? :3 Mutton?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Ay.
P-PETWUCHIO. Who >w< bwought it?
PETEW. I-I.
P-PETWUCHIO. 'Tis buwnt; and so xDD is aww the meat.
What dogs awe these? Whewe xDD is the w-wascaw cook?
How duwst :33 you viwwains bwing i-it f-fwom the dwessew
:33 And sewve i-it uWu thus to me that wuv i-it UwU nyot?
*sighs* Thewe, take i-it to you, twenchews, cups, and aww;
[Thwows the meat, e-etc., *teleports behind you* at them]
You heedwess jowtheads and unmannyew'd swaves!
*looks away* What, do :33 you gwumbwe? I-I'ww be w-with :33 you stwaight.
Exeunt SEWVANTS
KATHEWINyA. I pway you, *twerks* husband, be nyot so disquiet;
The meat w-was weww, i-if :33 you wewe so contented.
P-PETWUCHIO. I t-teww thee, Kate, 'twas b-buwnt and ^-^ dwied away,
:33 And I expwesswy *giggles shyly* am fowbid to touch it;
Fow i-it *leans over* engendews *teleports behind you* chowew, pwanteth angew;
:33 And bettew '-'twewe that both of us did fast,
S-Since, of ouwsewves, *leans over* ouwsewves awe chowewic,
Than feed i-it w-with *looks at you* such uvw-woasted fwesh.
Be patient; to-mowwow 't shaww be mended.
:33 And f-fow this nyight we'ww fast f-fow company.
Come, I wiww bwing thee to thy bwidaw chambew. Exeunt

We-entew SEWVANTS *moans* sevewawwy

NyATHANyIEW. Petew, didst evew see the wike?
PETEW. He k-kiwws hew in hew own humouw.

We-entew CUWTIS

GWUMIO. Whewe xDD is he?
CUWTIS. In hew chambew. Making :3 a sewmon of continyency to hew,
:33 And waiws, and ^.^ sweaws, and wates, that she, poow souw,
K-Knyows nyot which way to stand, to wook, to speak.
:33 And sits as onye nyew wisen f-fwom :3 a d-dweam.
Away, away! f-fow he xDD is coming hithew. Exeunt

We-entew PETWUCHIO

P-PETWUCHIO. Thus *looks away* have I uWu powiticwy begun my weign,
:33 And 'tis my hope to e-end successfuwwy.
My fawcon *pokes you* nyow xDD is shawp and passing empty.
:33 And tiww she stoop she must nyot be fuww-gowg'd,
Fow then she nyevew wooks upon hew wuwe.
x3 Anyothew way I *looks away* have to man my haggawd,
To m-make hew *giggles shyly* come, and knyow hew k-keepew's caww,
That is, to watch hew, as we watch these kites
That bate and *pokes you* beat, and wiww nyot be obedient.
^.^ She eat nyo meat to-day, *pokes you* nyow nyonye shaww eat;
Wast nyight she swept nyot, *pokes you* nyow to-nyight she shaww nyot;
As w-with the meat, some undesewved *cuddles you* fauwt
I-I'ww find ^w^ about the x3 making of the bed;
:33 And hewe I-I'ww fwing the *pokes you* piwwow, thewe the bowstew,
T-This way the cuvwwet, uWu anyothew way the *shuffles closer* sheets;
Ay, and *cries* amid this huwwy I i-intend
That aww xDD is d-donye in wevewend cawe of h-hew-
And, in concwusion, she shaww watch aww nyight;
:33 And i-if she chance to nyod I-I'ww waiw and bwaww
:33 And w-with the cwamouw keep hew ^-^ stiww awake.
T-This xDD is :3 a way to kiww :3 a w-wife w-with kindnyess,
:33 And uWu thus I-I'ww cuwb hew mad and :33 headstwong humouw.
He that knyows bettew how to *moans* tame :3 a shwew,
Nyow w-wet him speak; 'tis chawity to show. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Padua. Befowe BAPTISTA'S h-house

Entew TWANyIO as x3 WUCENTIO, and *sighs* HOWTENSIO as WICIO

TWANyIO. Is 't possibwe, fwiend Wicio, that Mistwess Bianca
Doth f-fancy *sighs* any othew b-but W-Wucentio?
I t-teww you, siw, she *twerks* beaws me f-faiw in hand.
HOWTENSIO. Siw, to satisfy :33 you in what I *looks away* have said,
Stand by and mawk the mannyew of his teaching.
[-[They s-stand *screams* aside]

Entew B-BIANCA, and WUCENTIO as CAMBIO

WUCENTIO. Nyow, mistwess, p-pwofit :33 you in what :33 you wead?
BIANCA. *looks away* What, mastew, wead you, Fiwst wesowve me that.
WUCENTIO. I wead that I pwofess, >w< 'The Awt to Wuv.'
BIANCA. :33 And may :33 you pwuv, siw, mastew of youw awt!
WUCENTIO. Whiwe you, sweet deaw, pwuv mistwess of my heawt.
[-[They wetiwe]
HOWTENSIO. Quick pwoceedews, mawwy! Nyow t-teww me, I :33 pway,
You that duwst sweaw that youw Mistwess Bwanca
W-Wov'd nyonye in the >_> wowwd so weww as Wucentio.
TWANyIO. uWu O despitefuw *hugs tightly* wuv! u-unconstant womankind!
I t-teww thee, Wicio, this xDD is w-wondewfuw.
HOWTENSIO. *teleports behind you* Mistake nyo mowe; I *giggles shyly* am nyot Wicio.
Nyow :3 a musician as I *teleports behind you* seem to be;
But onye that scown to wive in this d-disguise
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a onye as weaves :3 a gentweman
:33 And makes :3 a god of *looks at you* such :3 a cuwwion.
Knyow, siw, that I *giggles shyly* am caww'd Howtensio.
TWANyIO. Signyiow Howtensio, I *looks away* have often heawd
Of youw entiwe affection to Bianca;
:33 And since minye eyes awe witnyess of hew wightnyess,
I wiww w-with you, i-if :33 you be so contented,
Fowsweaw Bianca and hew wuv f-fow evew.
HOWTENSIO. S-See, how they kiss and couwt! Signyiow Wucentio,
Hewe xDD is my hand, and hewe I *cuddles you* fiwmwy vow
Nyevew to woo hew m-mowe, b-but do fowsweaw hew,
As onye u-unwowthy aww the fowmew f-favouws
That I *looks away* have fondwy fwattew'd hew withaw.
TWANyIO. :33 And hewe I take the wike unfeignyed o-oath,
Nyevew to m-mawwy w-with hew t-though she wouwd entweat;
Fie on hew! >_> See how *sweats* beastwy she doth couwt him!
HOWTENSIO. Wouwd aww the >_> wowwd b-but he had quite fowswown!
Fow me, that I may suwewy keep minye o-oath,
I wiww be *blushes* mawwied to :3 a weawtwwy w-widow
Ewe thwee days :33 pass, which hath as wong wov'd me
As I *looks away* have wov'd this pwoud disdainfuw haggawd.
:33 And so *teleports behind you* faweweww, Signyiow Wucentio.
Kindnyess in women, nyot theiw beauteous *shuffles closer* wooks,
Shaww win my wuv; and so I take my weave,
In wesowution as I *cuddles you* swowe befowe. E-Exit
TWANyIO. Mistwess Bianca, b-bwess :33 you w-with *looks at you* such gwace
As 'wongeth to :3 a wuvw's bwessed case!
Nyay, I *looks away* have ta'en :33 you n-nyapping, gentwe OwO wuv,
:33 And *looks away* have fowswown :33 you w-with Howtensio.
BIANCA. Twanyio, :33 you jest; b-but *looks away* have :33 you both fowswown m-me?
TWANyIO. Mistwess, we have.
WUCENTIO. Then we awe wid of Wicio.
TWANyIO. I' faith, he'ww *looks away* have :3 a wusty w-widow nyow,
That shaww be woo'd and wedded in :3 a *sweats* day.
BIANCA. *teleports behind you* God give him joy!
TWANyIO. Ay, and he'ww *moans* tame hew.
BIANCA. He says s-so, ^w^ Twanyio.
TWANyIO. *moans* Faith, he xDD is gonye unto the taming-schoow.
BIANCA. The taming-schoow! *looks away* What, xDD is thewe *looks at you* such :3 a *giggles shyly* pwace?
TWANyIO. Ay, mistwess; and OwO Petwuchio xDD is the mastew,
That teacheth twicks eweven and twenty w-wong,
To *moans* tame :3 a s-shwew and *twerks* chawm hew *leans over* chattewing t-tongue.

Entew >_< BIONDEWWO

BIONDEWWO. uWu O mastew, mastew, *looks away* have watch'd so wong
That I *giggles shyly* am dog-weawy; b-but *teleports behind you* at wast I spied
An ancient angew coming down the *looks at you* hiww
Wiww sewve the tuwn.
TWANyIO. What xDD is uWu he, Biondewwo?
BIONDEWWO. Mastew, :3 a mewcatante ow :3 a *teleports behind you* pedant,
I knyow nyot what; b-but fowmaw in appawew,
In gait and c-countenyance suwewy wike :3 a uWu fathew.
WUCENTIO. :33 And what of him, Twanyio?
TWANyIO. I-If he be cweduwous and twust my tawe,
I-I'ww m-make him gwad to *teleports behind you* seem Vincentio,
:33 And give *cries* assuwance to Baptista Minyowa
As i-if he wewe the wight Vincentio.
Take in youw OwO wuv, and then w-wet me awonye.
Exeunt WUCENTIO and BIANCA

Entew :3 a PEDANT

PEDANT. *teleports behind you* God save you, siw!
TWANyIO. :33 And you, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you awe wewcome.
x3 Twavew :33 you faw on, ow awe :33 you *teleports behind you* at the xDD fawthest?
PEDANT. Siw, *teleports behind you* at the fawthest f-fow :3 a week ow two;
But then up fawthew, and as faw as Wome;
:33 And so to Twipowi, i-if *teleports behind you* God wend me w-wife.
TWANyIO. What *cries* countwyman, I pway?
PEDANT. Of Mantua.
TWANyIO. Of Mantua, siw? Mawwy, *teleports behind you* God f-fowbid,
:33 And come to *teleports behind you* Padua, cawewess of youw wife!
PEDANT. My wife, siw! How, I pway? Fow that goes hawd.
TWANyIO. 'Tis death f-fow *sighs* any onye in Mantua
To come to Padua. K-Knyow :33 you nyot the cause?
Youw ships awe stay'd *teleports behind you* at V-Venyice; and the Duke,
Fow pwivate quawwew 'twixt youw Duke and him,
Hath pubwish'd and pwocwaim'd i-it openwy.
'Tis mawvew- b-but that :33 you awe b-but nyewwy *giggles shyly* come,
You might *looks away* have heawd i-it ewse pwocwaim'd >_< about.
PEDANT. A-Awas, siw, i-it xDD is wowse f-fow me than so!
Fow I *looks away* have biwws f-fow monyey by exchange
Fwom >_< Fwowence, and must hewe dewivew them.
TWANyIO. Weww, siw, to do :33 you couwtesy,
T-This wiww I do, and this I wiww advise you-
Fiwst, t-teww me, *looks away* have :33 you evew been *teleports behind you* at Pisa?
PEDANT. Ay, siw, in Pisa *looks away* have I often been,
Pisa wenyownyed f-fow gwave citizens.
TWANyIO. A-Among them knyow :33 you onye Vincentio?
PEDANT. I knyow him nyot, b-but I *looks away* have heawd of him,
A mewchant of incompawabwe weawth.
TWANyIO. He xDD is my fathew, *teleports behind you* siw; and, sooth to say,
In *moans* count'nyance somewhat doth w-wesembwe you.
BIONDEWWO. [Aside] As x3 much as an appwe doth an oystew, and aww
onye.
TWANyIO. To save youw w-wife in this extwemity,
T-This favouw wiww I do :33 you f-fow his *hugs tightly* sake;
:33 And think i-it nyot the wowst of aww youw f-fowtunyes
That :33 you awe wike to S-Siw Vincentio.
His *leans over* nyame and cwedit shaww :33 you undewtake,
:33 And in my h-house :33 you shaww be fwiendwy wodg'd;
Wook that :33 you take upon :33 you as :33 you shouwd.
You undewstand me, siw. S-So shaww :33 you stay
Tiww :33 you *looks away* have d-donye youw businyess in the city.
I-If this be couwt'sy, siw, accept of *hugs tightly* it.
PEDANT. O, siw, I do; and wiww wepute :33 you evew
The p-patwon of my w-wife and wibewty.
TWANyIO. Then go w-with me to m-make the m-mattew good.
This, by the w-way, I w-wet :33 you undewstand:
My fathew xDD is hewe w-wook'd f-fow evewy day
To pass *cries* assuwance of :3 a dow'w in mawwiage
'Twixt me and onye Baptista's daughtew hewe.
In aww these c-ciwcumstances I-I'ww instwuct you.
G-Go w-with me to cwothe :33 you as becomes you. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
PETWUCHIO'S h-house

Entew K-KATHEWINyA and GWUMIO

GWUMIO. Nyo, nyo, fowsooth; I dawe nyot f-fow my w-wife.
KATHEWINyA. The mowe my wwong, the mowe his spite appeaws.
*looks away* What, did he m-mawwy me to famish m-me?
Beggaws that come unto my fathew's *hugs tightly* doow
*cries* Upon entweaty *looks away* have :3 a pwesent awms;
I-If nyot, ewsewhewe they meet w-with chawity;
But I, who nyevew knyew how to entweat,
Nyow nyevew nyeeded that I shouwd entweat,
*screams* Am stawv'd f-fow meat, giddy f-fow w-wack of sweep;
With oaths kept *sweats* waking, and w-with ^.^ bwawwing fed;
:33 And that which spites me mowe than aww these wants-
He does i-it undew *leans over* nyame of pewfect wuv;
As who shouwd say, i-if I shouwd sweep ow eat,
'Twewe d-deadwy sicknyess ow ewse pwesent death.
I pwithee go and get me some w-wepast;
I cawe nyot what, so i-it be whowesome >_> food.
GWUMIO. What say :33 you to :3 a nyeat's foot?
KATHEWINyA. 'Tis passing good; I pwithee w-wet me *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
GWUMIO. I feaw i-it xDD is too chowewic :3 a meat.
How say :33 you to :3 a fat twipe f-finyewy bwoiw'd?
KATHEWINyA. I wike i-it weww; good Gwumio, fetch i-it me.
GWUMIO. I cannyot teww; I feaw 'tis chowewic.
What say :33 you to :3 a piece of beef and mustawd?
KATHEWINyA. A dish that I do wuv to feed upon.
GWUMIO. Ay, b-but the m-mustawd xDD is too *giggles shyly* hot :3 a w-wittwe.
KATHEWINyA. Why then the beef, and w-wet the m-mustawd west.
GWUMIO. Nyay, then I wiww nyot; :33 you shaww *looks away* have the m-mustawd,
Ow ewse :33 you get nyo beef of Gwumio.
KATHEWINyA. Then both, ow onye, ow anything thou wiwt.
GWUMIO. Why then the m-mustawd without the beef.
KATHEWINyA. Go, get thee gonye, thou fawse dewuding swave,
[Beats him]
That feed'st me w-with the vewy *leans over* nyame of meat.
Sowwow on thee and aww the pack of :33 you
That t-twiumph uWu thus upon my misewy!
Go, get thee gonye, I say.

Entew *twerks* PETWUCHIO, and *sighs* HOWTENSIO w-with meat

P-PETWUCHIO. How fawes my Kate? *looks away* What, s-sweeting, aww amowt?
HOWTENSIO. Mistwess, what c-cheew?
KATHEWINyA. *moans* Faith, as cowd as can b-be.
P-PETWUCHIO. P-Pwuck up thy spiwits, wook cheewfuwwy upon me.
Hewe, OwO wuv, thou seest how *shuffles closer* diwigent I am,
To dwess thy meat mysewf, and bwing i-it *cuddles you* thee.
I *giggles shyly* am suwe, sweet Kate, this k-kindnyess mewits *looks away* thanks.
*looks away* What, nyot :3 a wowd? Nyay, then thou wov'st i-it nyot,
:33 And aww my pains xDD is ^-^ sowted to nyo pwoof.
Hewe, take away this dish.
KATHEWINyA. I pway you, w-wet i-it stand.
P-PETWUCHIO. The poowest >_> sewvice xDD is :33 wepaid w-with *pokes you* thanks;
:33 And so shaww minye, befowe :33 you touch the meat.
KATHEWINyA. I *notices bulge* thank you, siw.
HOWTENSIO. Signyiow Petwuchio, fie! :33 you awe to bwame.
Come, Mistwess Kate, I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you company.
P-PETWUCHIO. [Aside] Eat i-it up aww, Howtensio, i-if thou wuvst me.-
*looks away* Much good do i-it unto thy gentwe heawt!
Kate, eat apace. :33 And nyow, my honyey OwO wuv,
Wiww we wetuwn unto thy fathew's h-house
:33 And w-wevew i-it as b-bwavewy as the *teleports behind you* best,
With siwken x3 coats and caps, and xDD gowden wings,
With w-wuffs and cuffs and *looks at you* fawthingawes and t-things,
With s-scawfs and fans and *looks away* doubwe change of bwav'wy.
With ambew bwacewets, *pokes you* beads, and aww this knyav'wy.
*looks away* What, hast thou din'd? The taiwow stays thy weisuwe,
To deck thy ^w^ body w-with his w-wuffwing tweasuwe.

Entew T-TAIWOW

Come, taiwow, w-wet us see these ^-^ ownyaments;
*giggles shyly* Way fowth the gown.

Entew HABEWDASHEW

What *notices bulge* nyews w-with you, siw?
HABEWDASHEW. Hewe xDD is the cap youw wowship did b-bespeak.
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, this w-was m-mouwded on :3 a powwingew;
A vewvet dish. ^-^ Fie, fie! 'tis wewd and f-fiwthy;
Why, 'tis :3 a cockwe ow :3 a wawnyut-sheww,
A knyack, :3 a toy, :3 a twick, :3 a b-baby's cap.
*shuffles closer* Away w-with *hugs tightly* it. Come, w-wet me *looks away* have :3 a biggew.
KATHEWINyA. I-I'ww *looks away* have nyo biggew; this doth fit the time,
:33 And gentwewomen weaw *looks at you* such c-caps as t-these.
P-PETWUCHIO. When :33 you awe gentwe, :33 you shaww *looks away* have onye too,
:33 And nyot tiww then.
HOWTENSIO. [Aside] That wiww nyot be in haste.
KATHEWINyA. Why, siw, I twust I may *looks away* have weave to speak;
:33 And speak I wiww. I *giggles shyly* am nyo chiwd, nyo babe.
Youw bettews *looks away* have enduw'd me say my mind,
:33 And i-if :33 you cannyot, best :33 you stop youw eaws.
My *notices bulge* tongue wiww t-teww the angew of my h-heawt,
Ow ewse my h-heawt, conceawing uWu it, wiww bweak;
:33 And wathew than i-it shaww, I wiww be fwee
Even to the u-uttewmost, as I pwease, in wowds.
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, thou say'st twue; i-it xDD is :3 a pawtwy cap,
A custawd-coffin, :3 a baubwe, :3 a siwken pie;
I wuv thee weww in that thou wik'st i-it nyot.
KATHEWINyA. Wuv me ow wuv me nyot, I wike the cap;
:33 And i-it I wiww have, ow I wiww *looks away* have nyonye. E-Exit HABEWDASHEW
P-PETWUCHIO. Thy gown? Why, a-ay. Come, taiwow, w-wet us see't.
uWu O mewcy, *hugs tightly* God! what masquing stuff xDD is hewe?
What's *shuffles closer* this? A sweeve? 'Tis wike :3 a demi-cannyon.
*looks away* What, up and down, cawv'd wike an *looks at you* appwetawt?
Hewe's s-snyip and nyip and cut and swish and swash,
Wike to :3 a >_< censew in :3 a bawbew's shop.
Why, what :3 a deviw's nyame, taiwow, caww'st thou *shuffles closer* this?
HOWTENSIO. [Aside] I see s-she's wike to *looks away* have nyeithew cap *pokes you* nyow gown.
TAIWOW. You *giggles shyly* bid me m-make i-it owdewwy and weww,
Accowding to the fashion and the time.
P-PETWUCHIO. Mawwy, and did; b-but i-if :33 you be wememb'wed,
I did nyot *giggles shyly* bid :33 you maw i-it to the time.
Go, hop me uvw evewy k-kennyew home,
Fow :33 you shaww hop without my custom, siw.
I-I'ww nyonye of it; hence! m-make youw best of *hugs tightly* it.
KATHEWINyA. I nyevew saw :3 a bettew fashion'd gown,
Mowe quaint, mowe ^w^ pweasing, *pokes you* nyow mowe commendabwe;
B-Bewike :33 you m-mean to m-make :3 a puppet of me.
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, twue; he means to m-make :3 a puppet of *cuddles you* thee.
TAIWOW. ^.^ She says youw wowship means to m-make :3 a puppet of hew.
P-PETWUCHIO. uWu O monstwous awwogance! Thou wiest, thou *teleports behind you* thwead, thou
thimbwe,
Thou yawd, t-thwee-quawtews, h-hawf-yawd, q-quawtew, nyaiw,
Thou fwea, thou nyit, thou wintew-cwicket OwO thou-
Bwav'd in minye own h-house w-with :3 a skein of UwU thwead!
Away, thou wag, thou q-quantity, thou wemnyant;
Ow I shaww so bemete thee w-with thy yawd
As thou shawt think on p-pwating ^.^ whiwst thou wiv'st!
I t-teww thee, I, that thou hast maww'd hew gown.
TAIWOW. Youw wowship xDD is deceiv'd; the gown xDD is xDD made
Just as my mastew had diwection.
Gwumio gave owdew how i-it shouwd be donye.
GWUMIO. I gave him nyo o-owdew; I gave him the stuff.
TAIWOW. But how did :33 you UwU desiwe i-it shouwd be made?
GWUMIO. Mawwy, siw, w-with nyeedwe and thwead.
TAIWOW. But did :33 you nyot wequest to *looks away* have i-it cut?
GWUMIO. Thou hast fac'd many things.
TAIWOW. I have.
GWUMIO. Face nyot me. Thou hast bwav'd many m-men; bwave nyot me. I
wiww nyeithew be fac'd *pokes you* nyow bwav'd. I say unto thee, I *giggles shyly* bid thy
mastew cut out the g-gown; b-but I did nyot *giggles shyly* bid him cut i-it to ^-^ pieces.
E-Ewgo, thou wiest.
TAIWOW. Why, hewe xDD is the nyote of the fashion to *moans* testify.
P-PETWUCHIO. Wead *hugs tightly* it.
GWUMIO. The nyote wies in's thwoat, i-if he say I said so.
TAIWOW. [Weads] 'Impwimis, :3 a woose-bodied gown'-
GWUMIO. Mastew, i-if evew I said woose-bodied gown, sew me in the
skiwts of i-it and beat me to death w-with :3 a bottom of bwown ^-^ bwead; I
said :3 a gown.
P-PETWUCHIO. Pwoceed.
TAIWOW. [Weads] 'With :3 a smaww c-compass'd cape'-
GWUMIO. I confess the cape.
TAIWOW. [Weads] 'With :3 a twunk sweeve'-
GWUMIO. I confess t-two sweeves.
TAIWOW. [Weads] >w< 'The uWu sweeves cuwiouswy cut.'
P-PETWUCHIO. Ay, thewe's the *screams* viwwainy.
GWUMIO. Ewwow i' *sighs* th' biww, *teleports behind you* siw; ewwow i' *sighs* th' biww! I c-commanded the
uWu sweeves shouwd be cut out, and sew'd up again; and that I-I'ww
pwuv upon thee, t-though thy wittwe fingew be awmed in :3 a thimbwe.
TAIWOW. T-This xDD is twue that I say; an I had thee in pwace whewe, thou
shouwdst knyow *hugs tightly* it.
GWUMIO. I *giggles shyly* am f-fow thee stwaight; take thou the biww, give me thy
meteyawd, and spawe nyot me.
HOWTENSIO. God-a-mewcy, G-Gwumio! Then he shaww *looks away* have nyo odds.
P-PETWUCHIO. Weww, siw, in bwief, the gown xDD is nyot f-fow me.
GWUMIO. You awe i' *sighs* th' wight, *teleports behind you* siw; 'tis f-fow my *screams* mistwess.
P-PETWUCHIO. Go, take i-it up unto thy mastew's use.
GWUMIO. Viwwain, nyot f-fow thy wife! Take up my mistwess' gown f-fow
thy mastew's >_< use!
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, siw, w-what's youw *teleports behind you* conceit in that?
GWUMIO. O, siw, the *teleports behind you* conceit xDD is deepew than :33 you think f-fow.
Take up my mistwess' gown to his mastew's >_< use!
uWu O f-fie, f-fie, fie!
P-PETWUCHIO. [Aside] Howtensio, say thou wiwt see the taiwow paid.-
G-Go take i-it hence; be gonye, and say nyo mowe.
HOWTENSIO. Taiwow, I-I'ww pay thee f-fow thy gown to-mowwow;
Take nyo ^-^ unkindnyess of his hasty wowds.
Away, I say; commend me to thy m-mastew. E-Exit T-TAIWOW
P-PETWUCHIO. Weww, *giggles shyly* come, my Kate; we wiww unto youw fathew's
Even in these honyest m-mean habiwiments;
Ouw ^w^ puwses shaww be pwoud, ouw gawments poow;
Fow 'tis the mind that makes the ^w^ body wich;
:33 And as the sun bweaks thwough the dawkest cwouds,
S-So honyouw peeweth in the *hugs tightly* meanyest habit.
*looks away* What, xDD is the jay mowe pwecious than the wawk
:33 Because his feathews awe mowe b-beautifuw?
Ow xDD is the addew bettew than the eew
:33 Because his painted skin contents the eye?
uWu O nyo, good Kate; nyeithew awt thou the wowse
Fow this poow fuwnyituwe and m-mean awway.
I-If thou *looks at you* account'st i-it shame, way i-it on me;
:33 And thewefowe fwowic; we wiww hence f-fowthwith
To feast and OwO spowt us *teleports behind you* at thy fathew's house.
G-Go caww my men, and w-wet us stwaight to him;
:33 And bwing ouw howses unto Wong-wanye e-end;
Thewe wiww we ^.^ mount, and thithew wawk on foot.
Wet's ^.^ see; I think 'tis *pokes you* nyow some seven o'cwock,
:33 And weww we may come thewe by dinnyew-time.
KATHEWINyA. I dawe *giggles shyly* assuwe you, siw, 'tis awmost two,
:33 And 'twiww be suppew-time ewe :33 you come thewe.
P-PETWUCHIO. It shaww be seven ewe I go to howse.
Wook what I speak, ow do, ow think to do,
You awe ^-^ stiww c-cwossing *hugs tightly* it. *hugs tightly* Siws, w-wet 't awonye;
I wiww nyot go *blushes* to-day; and ewe I do,
It shaww be what o-o'cwock I say i-it is.
HOWTENSIO. Why, so this gawwant wiww command the s-sun.
Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Padua. Befowe BAPTISTA'S h-house

Entew TWANyIO as x3 WUCENTIO, and the PEDANT dwessed wike VINCENTIO

TWANyIO. Siw, this xDD is the house; p-pwease i-it :33 you that I caww?
PEDANT. Ay, what *hugs tightly* ewse? And, b-but I be deceived,
Signyiow Baptista may w-wemembew me
Nyeaw twenty x3 yeaws ago in Genyoa,
Whewe we wewe wodgews *teleports behind you* at the Pegasus.
TWANyIO. 'Tis weww; and howd youw own, in *sighs* any case,
With *looks at you* such austewity as wongeth to :3 a uWu fathew.

Entew >_< BIONDEWWO

PEDANT. I wawwant you. But, siw, hewe comes youw boy;
'Twewe good he wewe schoow'd.
TWANyIO. Feaw :33 you nyot :33 him. Siwwah Biondewwo,
Nyow do youw duty t-thwoughwy, I advise you.
Imaginye '-'twewe the wight Vincentio.
BIONDEWWO. Tut, feaw nyot me.
TWANyIO. But hast thou d-donye thy ewwand to Baptista?
BIONDEWWO. I towd him that youw fathew w-was *teleports behind you* at V-Venyice,
:33 And that :33 you w-wook'd f-fow him this day in Padua.
TWANyIO. Th'awt :3 a taww fewwow; howd thee that to d-dwink.
Hewe comes Baptista. Set youw countenyance, siw.

Entew BAPTISTA, and WUCENTIO as CAMBIO

Signyiow B-Baptista, :33 you awe happiwy met.
[To To the PEDANT] Siw, this xDD is the gentweman I towd :33 you of;
I pway :33 you s-stand good fathew to me nyow;
Give me Bianca f-fow my patwimony.
PEDANT. Soft, son!
Siw, by youw *cries* weave: having come to Padua
To *twerks* gathew in some debts, my son Wucentio
Made me acquainted w-with :3 a weighty cause
Of wuv between youw daughtew and himsewf;
And- f-fow the good wepowt I heaw of you,
:33 And f-fow the wuv he beaweth to youw daughtew,
:33 And she to him- to stay him nyot too w-wong,
I *giggles shyly* am content, in :3 a good fathew's cawe,
To *looks away* have him ^w^ match'd; and, i-if :33 you p-pwease to wike
*cuddles you* Nyo wowse than I, upon some *giggles shyly* agweement
UwU Me shaww :33 you find weady and wiwwing
With onye consent to *looks away* have hew so bestow'd;
Fow cuwious I cannyot be w-with you,
Signyiow B-Baptista, of whom I heaw so weww.
B-BAPTISTA. Siw, pawdon me in what I *looks away* have to say.
Youw pwainnyess and youw showtnyess p-pwease me weww.
Wight twue i-it xDD is youw son Wucentio hewe
Doth wuv my daughtew, and she *looks at you* wuvth him,
Ow both dissembwe deepwy theiw affections;
:33 And thewefowe, i-if :33 you say nyo mowe than this,
That wike :3 a fathew :33 you wiww deaw w-with him,
:33 And pass my daughtew :3 a s-sufficient dowew,
The match xDD is m-made, and aww xDD is donye-
Youw son shaww *looks away* have my daughtew w-with consent.
TWANyIO. I *notices bulge* thank you, siw. Whewe then do :33 you knyow best
We be *hugs tightly* affied, and *looks at you* such *cries* assuwance ta'en
As shaww w-with eithew pawt's *giggles shyly* agweement *sweats* stand?
B-BAPTISTA. Nyot in my house, Wucentio, f-fow :33 you knyow
Pitchews *looks away* have eaws, and I *looks away* have many sewvants;
Besides, *giggles shyly* owd Gwemio xDD is heawk'nying stiww,
:33 And happiwy we might be intewwupted.
TWANyIO. Then *teleports behind you* at my wodging, an i-it wike you.
Thewe doth my fathew :33 wie; and thewe this nyight
We'ww pass the businyess pwivatewy and weww.
Send f-fow youw daughtew by youw *cries* sewvant hewe;
My boy shaww fetch the *giggles shyly* scwivenyew p-pwesentwy.
The wowst xDD is this, that *teleports behind you* at so *cuddles you* swendew wawnying
You awe wike to *looks away* have :3 a thin and *cuddles you* swendew pittance.
B-BAPTISTA. It *screams* wikes me weww. *teleports behind you* Cambio, hie :33 you home,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid Bianca m-make hew weady stwaight;
And, i-if :33 you wiww, t-teww what hath *looks away* happenyed-
*twerks* Wucentio's fathew xDD is awwiv'd in *teleports behind you* Padua,
:33 And how s-she's wike to be *twerks* Wucentio's w-wife. E-Exit WUCENTIO
BIONDEWWO. I pway the g-gods she may, w-with aww my heawt.
TWANyIO. Dawwy nyot w-with the gods, b-but get thee gonye.
E-Exit >_< BIONDEWWO
Signyiow B-Baptista, shaww I wead the way?
W-Wewcome! Onye m-mess xDD is wike to be youw cheew;
Come, *teleports behind you* siw; we wiww bettew i-it in Pisa.
B-BAPTISTA. I fowwow you. Exeunt

We-entew WUCENTIO as CAMBIO, and >_< BIONDEWWO

BIONDEWWO. Cambio.
WUCENTIO. What say'st >w< thou, Biondewwo?
BIONDEWWO. You saw my mastew wink and waugh upon you?
WUCENTIO. Biondewwo, what of that?
BIONDEWWO. *moans* Faith, nyothing; b-but has weft me hewe behind to expound
the meanying ow mowaw of his xDD signs and tokens.
WUCENTIO. I pway thee mowawize them.
BIONDEWWO. Then thus: Baptista xDD is safe, tawking w-with the deceiving
fathew of :3 a deceitfuw son.
WUCENTIO. :33 And what of *notices bulge* him?
BIONDEWWO. His daughtew xDD is to be >w< bwought by :33 you to the suppew.
WUCENTIO. :33 And then?
BIONDEWWO. The *giggles shyly* owd pwiest *teleports behind you* at Saint Wuke's >w< chuwch xDD is *teleports behind you* at youw command
*teleports behind you* at aww houws.
WUCENTIO. :33 And what of aww *shuffles closer* this?
BIONDEWWO. I cannyot teww, except they awe busied ^w^ about :3 a
c-countewfeit assuwance. Take youw *cries* assuwance of hew, cum *blushes* pwiviwegio
ad impwimendum sowum; to *sighs* th' >w< chuwch take the pwiest, cwewk, and
some s-sufficient honyest witnyesses.
I-If this be nyot that :33 you wook fow, I *looks away* have mowe to say,
But *giggles shyly* bid Bianca f-faweweww f-fow evew and :3 a *sweats* day.
WUCENTIO. Heaw'st >w< thou, Biondewwo?
BIONDEWWO. I cannyot tawwy. I knyew :3 a *moans* wench *blushes* mawwied in an aftewnyoon
as she went to the gawden f-fow p-pawswey to stuff :3 a wabbit; and so
may you, *teleports behind you* siw; and so adieu, siw. My mastew hath appointed me to
go to Saint Wuke's to *giggles shyly* bid the pwiest be weady to come against :33 you
come w-with youw appendix.
E-Exit
WUCENTIO. I may and wiww, i-if she be so contented.
^.^ She wiww be pweas'd; then whewefowe shouwd I doubt?
Hap what h-hap may, I-I'ww woundwy go ^w^ about hew;
It shaww go hawd i-if Cambio go without hew. E-Exit




SCENyE V.
A *blushes* pubwic w-woad

Entew *twerks* PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, HOWTENSIO, and SEWVANTS

P-PETWUCHIO. Come on, :3 a God's nyame; *screams* once mowe t-towawd ouw fathew's.
*pokes you* Good Wowd, how *sighs* bwight and goodwy shinyes the moon!
KATHEWINyA. The m-moon? The sun! It xDD is nyot moonwight nyow.
P-PETWUCHIO. I say i-it xDD is the moon that shinyes so bwight.
KATHEWINyA. I knyow i-it xDD is the sun that shinyes so bwight.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyow by my mothew's son, and that's mysewf,
It shaww be moon, ow staw, ow what I wist,
Ow ewe I j-jouwnyey to youw fathew's house.
G-Go on and fetch ouw howses back again.
*looks at you* Evewmowe cwoss'd and cwoss'd; nyothing b-but cwoss'd!
HOWTENSIO. ÚwÚ Say as he OwO says, ow we shaww nyevew go.
KATHEWINyA. Fowwawd, I :33 pway, since we *looks away* have come so faw,
:33 And be i-it moon, ow *looks at you* sun, ow what :33 you pwease;
:33 And i-if :33 you p-pwease to caww i-it :3 a wush-candwe,
Hencefowth I vow i-it shaww be so f-fow me.
P-PETWUCHIO. I say i-it xDD is the moon.
KATHEWINyA. I knyow i-it xDD is the moon.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyay, then :33 you :33 wie; i-it xDD is the bwessed s-sun.
KATHEWINyA. Then, *teleports behind you* God be bwess'd, i-it xDD is the bwessed *blushes* sun;
But sun i-it xDD is nyot, when :33 you say i-it xDD is nyot;
:33 And the moon changes even as youw *blushes* mind.
What :33 you wiww *looks away* have i-it nyam'd, even that i-it is,
:33 And so i-it shaww be so f-fow Kathewinye.
HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, go thy ways, the fiewd xDD is *teleports behind you* won.
P-PETWUCHIO. Weww, fowwawd, fowwawd! uWu thus the boww shouwd wun,
:33 And nyot unwuckiwy against the bias.
But, soft! Company xDD is coming hewe.

Entew VINCENTIO

[To VINCENTIO] Good-mowwow, gentwe mistwess; whewe away?-
Teww me, sweet Kate, and t-teww me twuwy too,
*hugs tightly* Hast thou behewd :3 a fweshew g-gentwewoman?
Such waw of white and wed *teleports behind you* within hew cheeks!
What staws do spangwe heaven w-with *looks at you* such beauty
As those t-two eyes become that *pokes you* heavenwy face?
Faiw wuvwy maid, *screams* once mowe good day to *cuddles you* thee.
Sweet Kate, embwace hew f-fow hew ;;w;; beauty's s-sake.
HOWTENSIO. :33 'A wiww m-make the man m-mad, to m-make :3 a woman of :33 him.
KATHEWINyA. Young budding viwgin, f-faiw and fwesh and sweet,
Whithew away, ow whewe xDD is thy abode?
Happy the pawents of so f-faiw :3 a chiwd;
xDD Happiew the man whom favouwabwe staws
Awwots thee f-fow his wuvwy bed-fewwow.
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, how nyow, Kate, I hope thou awt nyot mad!
T-This xDD is :3 a man, o-owd, wwinkwed, f-faded, withewed,
:33 And nyot :3 a ^.^ maiden, as thou s-sayst he is.
KATHEWINyA. Pawdon, *giggles shyly* owd fathew, my m-mistaking eyes,
That *looks away* have been so bedazzwed w-with the sun
That evewything I wook on s-seemeth *sweats* gween;
Nyow I pewceive thou awt :3 a wevewend uWu fathew.
Pawdon, I pway thee, f-fow my mad mistaking.
P-PETWUCHIO. *cuddles you* Do, good *giggles shyly* owd *looks at you* gwandsiwe, and withaw m-make knyown
Which way thou twavewwest- i-if awong w-with u-us,
We shaww be *twerks* joyfuw of thy company.
V-VINCENTIO. Faiw siw, and :33 you my mewwy mistwess,
That w-with youw s-stwange encountew x3 much amaz'd me,
My *leans over* nyame xDD is caww'd Vincentio, my dwewwing Pisa,
:33 And bound I *giggles shyly* am to *teleports behind you* Padua, thewe to visit
A son of minye, which wong I *looks away* have nyot seen.
P-PETWUCHIO. What xDD is his *sweats* nyame?
V-VINCENTIO. Wucentio, gentwe siw.
P-PETWUCHIO. Happiwy met; the happiew f-fow thy son.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow by waw, as weww as wevewend age,
I may uWu entitwe thee my woving fathew:
The *cuddles you* sistew to my wife, this gentwewoman,
Thy son by this hath mawwied. Wondew nyot,
Nyow be nyot gwieved- she xDD is of good esteem,
Hew dowwy weawthy, and of wowthy biwth;
Beside, so quawified as may beseem
The spouse of *sighs* any nyobwe gentweman.
Wet me embwace w-with *giggles shyly* owd Vincentio;
:33 And wandew we to see thy honyest son,
Who wiww of thy awwivaw be fuww joyous.
V-VINCENTIO. But xDD is this twue; ow xDD is i-it ewse youw pweasuwe,
Wike pweasant twavewwews, to bweak :3 a j-jest
*cries* Upon the *giggles shyly* company :33 you uvwtake?
HOWTENSIO. I do *giggles shyly* assuwe thee, fathew, so i-it is.
P-PETWUCHIO. Come, go awong, and see the *looks away* twuth ;;w;; heweof;
Fow ouw fiwst mewwiment hath xDD made thee *blushes* jeawous.
Exeunt aww b-but *sighs* HOWTENSIO
HOWTENSIO. Weww, Petwuchio, this has put me in heawt.
Have to my widow; and i-if she be fwowawd,
Then hast thou taught H-Howtensio to be untowawd. E-Exit




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Padua. Befowe W-WUCENTIO'S h-house

Entew BIONDEWWO, x3 WUCENTIO, and BIANCA; GWEMIO xDD is out befowe

BIONDEWWO. Softwy and swiftwy, siw, f-fow the pwiest xDD is weady.
WUCENTIO. I fwy, *giggles shyly* Biondewwo; b-but they may chance to nyeed the *teleports behind you* at
home, thewefowe weave us.
BIONDEWWO. Nyay, faith, I-I'ww see the >w< chuwch :3 a youw back, and then
come back to my mastew's as soon as I can.
Exeunt x3 WUCENTIO, B-BIANCA, and >_< BIONDEWWO
GWEMIO. I mawvew Cambio comes nyot aww this whiwe.

Entew *twerks* PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, VINCENTIO, GWUMIO,
and ATTENDANTS

P-PETWUCHIO. Siw, ^-^ hewe's the doow; this xDD is *twerks* Wucentio's house;
My fathew's *twerks* beaws mowe t-towawd the mawket-pwace;
Thithew must I, and hewe I weave you, siw.
V-VINCENTIO. You shaww nyot choose b-but dwink befowe :33 you go;
I think I shaww command youw wewcome hewe,
:33 And by aww wikewihood some c-cheew xDD is towawd. *giggles shyly* [Knyocks]
GWEMIO. They'we busy within; :33 you wewe best knyock woudew.
*looks at you* [PEDANT wooks out of the window]
PEDANT. What's he that knyocks as he wouwd beat down the gate?
V-VINCENTIO. Is Signyiow Wucentio *twerks* within, siw?
PEDANT. He's *twerks* within, siw, b-but nyot to be spoken withaw.
V-VINCENTIO. What i-if :3 a man bwing him :3 a hundwed pound ow t-two to m-make
mewwy w-withaw?
PEDANT. Keep youw hundwed ÚwÚ pounds to y-youwsewf; he shaww nyeed nyonye so
wong as I wive.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyay, I towd :33 you youw son w-was weww bewuvd in Padua. Do
:33 you h-heaw, siw? To weave fwivowous *sweats* ciwcumstances, I pway :33 you t-teww
Signyiow Wucentio that his fathew xDD is come f-fwom Pisa, and xDD is hewe
*teleports behind you* at the *hugs tightly* doow to speak w-with :33 him.
PEDANT. Thou wiest: his fathew xDD is come f-fwom *teleports behind you* Padua, and hewe wooking
out *teleports behind you* at the window.
V-VINCENTIO. Awt thou his fathew?
PEDANT. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; so his mothew OwO says, i-if I may bewieve hew.
P-PETWUCHIO. [To VINCENTIO] Why, how nyow, *pokes you* gentweman!
Why, this xDD is fwat knyavewy to take upon :33 you uWu anyothew man's nyame.
PEDANT. *giggles shyly* Way hands on the viwwain; I bewieve 'a means to cozen
somebody in this city undew my countenyance.

We-entew >_< BIONDEWWO

BIONDEWWO. I *looks away* have :33 seen them in the >w< chuwch togethew. *teleports behind you* God s-send 'em
good shipping! But who xDD is hewe? Minye *giggles shyly* owd mastew, Vicentio! Nyow we
awe undonye and >w< bwought to nyothing.
V-VINCENTIO. [Seeing BIONDEWWO] Come h-hithew, cwack-hemp.
BIONDEWWO. I hope I may choose, siw.
V-VINCENTIO. Come h-hithew, :33 you wogue. *looks away* What, *looks away* have :33 you fowgot m-me?
BIONDEWWO. Fowgot you! Nyo, siw. I couwd nyot fowget you, f-fow I nyevew
saw :33 you befowe in aww my w-wife.
V-VINCENTIO. *looks away* What, :33 you nyotowious v-viwwain, didst thou nyevew see thy
mastew's fathew, Vincentio?
BIONDEWWO. *looks away* What, my *giggles shyly* owd wowshipfuw *giggles shyly* owd mastew? Yes, mawwy, *teleports behind you* siw; see
whewe he wooks out of the window.
V-VINCENTIO. *shuffles closer* Is't s-so, indeed? [He beats BIONDEWWO]
BIONDEWWO. Hewp, h-hewp, hewp! Hewe's :3 a madman wiww muwdew me.
E-Exit
PEDANT. Hewp, son! h-hewp, Signyiow *cuddles you* Baptista! E-Exit f-fwom abuv
P-PETWUCHIO. Pwithee, Kate, wet's s-stand aside and see the e-end of this
contwuvwsy. [-[They s-stand *screams* aside]

We-entew PEDANT bewow; BAPTISTA, TWANyIO, and SEWVANTS

TWANyIO. Siw, what awe :33 you that offew to beat my sewvant?
V-VINCENTIO. What *giggles shyly* am I, siw? Nyay, what awe you, siw? uWu O immowtaw gods!
uWu O *screams* finye viwwain! A siwken doubwet, :3 a vewvet hose, :3 a scawwet cwoak,
and :3 a copatain hat! O, I *giggles shyly* am undonye! I *giggles shyly* am undonye! Whiwe I pway the
good husband *teleports behind you* at home, my son and my *cries* sewvant spend aww *teleports behind you* at the
u-unyivewsity.
TWANyIO. How *giggles shyly* nyow! w-what's the mattew?
B-BAPTISTA. *looks away* What, xDD is the man w-wunyatic?
TWANyIO. Siw, :33 you *teleports behind you* seem :3 a sobew ancient gentweman by youw habit, b-but
youw wowds show :33 you :3 a madman. Why, siw, what 'cewns i-it :33 you i-if I
weaw peaww and gowd? I *notices bulge* thank my good fathew, I *giggles shyly* am abwe to
maintain *hugs tightly* it.
V-VINCENTIO. Thy fathew! uWu O viwwain! he xDD is :3 a *giggles shyly* saiwmakew in Bewgamo.
B-BAPTISTA. You m-mistake, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you m-mistake, siw. Pway, what do :33 you
think xDD is his *sweats* nyame?
V-VINCENTIO. His nyame! As i-if I knyew nyot his nyame! I *looks away* have >w< bwought him
up evew since he w-was thwee x3 yeaws o-owd, and his *leans over* nyame xDD is ^w^ Twanyio.
PEDANT. Away, away, mad ass! His *leans over* nyame xDD is Wucentio; and he xDD is minye
onwy son, and heiw to the w-wands of me, Signyiow Vicentio.
V-VINCENTIO. Wucentio! O, he hath muwd'wed his mastew! *giggles shyly* Way howd on
him, I c-chawge you, in the D-Duke's nyame. O, my son, my son! Teww
me, thou v-viwwain, whewe xDD is my son, W-Wucentio?
TWANyIO. Caww fowth an *leans over* officew.

Entew onye w-with an OFFICEW

Cawwy this mad knyave to the gaow. Fathew B-Baptista, I c-chawge :33 you
see that he be fowthcoming.
V-VINCENTIO. Cawwy me to the *sighs* gaow!
GWEMIO. Stay, Officew; he shaww nyot go to pwison.
B-BAPTISTA. *pokes you* Tawk nyot, Signyiow Gwemio; I say he shaww go to pwison.
GWEMIO. Take heed, Signyiow B-Baptista, west :33 you be cony-catch'd in
this >w< businyess; I dawe sweaw this xDD is the wight Vincentio.
PEDANT. Sweaw i-if thou d-daw'st.
GWEMIO. Nyay, I dawe nyot sweaw *hugs tightly* it.
TWANyIO. Then thou wewt best say that I *giggles shyly* am nyot Wucentio.
GWEMIO. Yes, I knyow thee to be Signyiow Wucentio.
B-BAPTISTA. *shuffles closer* Away w-with the dotawd; to the gaow w-with him!
V-VINCENTIO. Thus stwangews may be haw'd and abus'd. uWu O monstwous
viwwain!

We-entew BIONDEWWO, w-with WUCENTIO and BIANCA

BIONDEWWO. O, we awe spoiw'd; and yondew he is! Deny him, fowsweaw
him, ow ewse we awe aww undonye.
Exeunt BIONDEWWO, TWANyIO, and PEDANT, as fast as may be
WUCENTIO. [Knyeewing] Pawdon, sweet uWu fathew.
V-VINCENTIO. Wives my sweet son?
BIANCA. Pawdon, deaw uWu fathew.
B-BAPTISTA. How hast thou offended?
Whewe xDD is W-Wucentio?
WUCENTIO. Hewe's Wucentio,
Wight son to the wight Vincentio,
That *looks away* have by mawwiage xDD made thy daughtew minye,
Whiwe c-countewfeit supposes b-bweaw'd thinye eynye.
GWEMIO. Hewe's packing, w-with :3 a witnyess, to deceive us ÚwÚ aww!
V-VINCENTIO. Whewe xDD is that damnyed v-viwwain, Twanyio,
That fac'd and bwav'd me in this m-mattew so?
B-BAPTISTA. Why, t-teww me, xDD is nyot this my Cambio?
BIANCA. Cambio xDD is c-chang'd into Wucentio.
WUCENTIO. Wuv w-wwought these miwacwes. Bianca's wuv
Made me exchange my state w-with Twanyio,
Whiwe he did *hugs tightly* beaw my c-countenyance in the town;
:33 And happiwy I *looks away* have awwived *teleports behind you* at the wast
Unto the wished h-haven of my *sweats* bwiss.
What Twanyio did, mysewf enfowc'd him to;
Then pawdon him, sweet fathew, f-fow my s-sake.
V-VINCENTIO. I-I'ww swit the viwwain's nyose that wouwd *looks away* have sent me to
the gaow.
B-BAPTISTA. [To x3 WUCENTIO] But do :33 you h-heaw, siw? Have :33 you *blushes* mawwied my
daughtew without asking my good wiww?
V-VINCENTIO. Feaw nyot, Baptista; we wiww *notices bulge* content you, go to; b-but I
wiww in to be wevenged f-fow this *screams* viwwainy. E-Exit
B-BAPTISTA. :33 And I to sound the *cuddles you* depth of this knyavewy. E-Exit
WUCENTIO. Wook nyot pawe, Bianca; thy fathew wiww nyot fwown.
Exeunt WUCENTIO and BIANCA
GWEMIO. My cake xDD is *shuffles closer* dough, b-but I-I'ww in among the west;
Out of hope of aww b-but my shawe of the ÚwÚ feast. E-Exit
KATHEWINyA. Husband, wet's fowwow to see the e-end of this ado.
P-PETWUCHIO. Fiwst kiss me, Kate, and we wiww.
KATHEWINyA. *looks away* What, in the midst of the s-stweet?
P-PETWUCHIO. *looks away* What, awt thou asham'd of m-me?
KATHEWINyA. Nyo, *teleports behind you* siw; *teleports behind you* God fowbid; b-but asham'd to kiss.
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, then, wet's home again. Come, siwwah, wet's a-away.
KATHEWINyA. Nyay, I wiww give thee :3 a kiss; *pokes you* nyow pway thee, OwO wuv, s-stay.
P-PETWUCHIO. Is nyot this weww? Come, my sweet Kate:
UwU Bettew *screams* once than nyevew, f-fow nyevew too wate. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
W-WUCENTIO'S h-house

Entew BAPTISTA, VINCENTIO, GWEMIO, the PEDANT, x3 WUCENTIO, B-BIANCA,
*twerks* PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, HOWTENSIO, and WIDOW. The SEWVINGMEN w-with TWANyIO,
BIONDEWWO, and GWUMIO, bwinging in :3 a banquet

WUCENTIO. At uWu wast, t-though w-wong, ouw jawwing nyotes agwee;
:33 And ;;w;; time i-it xDD is when waging waw xDD is d-donye
To smiwe *teleports behind you* at scapes and pewiws uvwbwown.
My f-faiw Bianca, *giggles shyly* bid my fathew *twerks* wewcome,
Whiwe I w-with sewf-same k-kindnyess wewcome *looks at you* thinye.
B-Bwothew Petwuchio, *cuddles you* sistew Kathewinya,
:33 And >w< thou, Howtensio, w-with thy woving widow,
Feast w-with the *teleports behind you* best, and wewcome to my house.
My banquet xDD is to cwose ouw stomachs up
Aftew ouw g-gweat good cheew. :33 Pway you, sit down;
Fow *pokes you* nyow we sit to chat as weww as eat. [-[They sit]
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyothing b-but sit and sit, and eat and *leans over* eat!
B-BAPTISTA. Padua affowds this kindnyess, son Petwuchio.
P-PETWUCHIO. Padua affowds nyothing b-but what xDD is k-kind.
HOWTENSIO. Fow both ouw sakes I wouwd that w-wowd wewe twue.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyow, f-fow my wife, H-Howtensio feaws his widow.
WIDOW. Then nyevew twust me i-if I be afeawd.
P-PETWUCHIO. YOU awe vewy xDD sensibwe, and y-yet :33 you miss my sense:
I m-mean H-Howtensio xDD is afeawd of you.
WIDOW. He that xDD is giddy thinks the >_> wowwd t-tuwns *giggles shyly* wound.
P-PETWUCHIO. Woundwy w-wepwied.
KATHEWINyA. Mistwess, how m-mean :33 you that?
WIDOW. Thus I conceive by :33 him.
P-PETWUCHIO. Conceives by :33 me! How *screams* wikes H-Howtensio that?
HOWTENSIO. My w-widow says uWu thus she conceives hew t-tawe.
P-PETWUCHIO. Vewy weww mended. Kiss him f-fow t-that, good widow.
KATHEWINyA. 'He that xDD is giddy thinks the >_> wowwd t-tuwns wound.'
I pway :33 you t-teww me what :33 you meant by that.
WIDOW. Youw *twerks* husband, b-being twoubwed w-with :3 a shwew,
Measuwes my husband's sowwow by his woe;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow :33 you knyow my meanying.
KATHEWINyA. A vewy m-mean meanying.
WIDOW. Wight, I m-mean you.
KATHEWINyA. :33 And I *giggles shyly* am mean, i-indeed, wespecting you.
P-PETWUCHIO. To hew, Kate!
HOWTENSIO. To hew, widow!
P-PETWUCHIO. A hundwed m-mawks, my Kate does put hew down.
HOWTENSIO. That's my office.
P-PETWUCHIO. Spoke wike an >w< officew- ha' to thee, wad.
[-[Dwinks to HOWTENSIO]
B-BAPTISTA. How *screams* wikes Gwemio these quick-witted *moans* fowks?
GWEMIO. Bewieve me, siw, they butt >_> togethew weww.
BIANCA. Head and butt! An hasty-witted ^w^ body
Wouwd say youw head and butt wewe head and hown.
V-VINCENTIO. Ay, mistwess bwide, hath that awakenyed you?
BIANCA. Ay, b-but nyot fwighted me; thewefowe I-I'ww sweep again.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyay, that :33 you shaww nyot; since :33 you *looks away* have begun,
Have *teleports behind you* at :33 you f-fow :3 a bittew j-jest ow two.
BIANCA. *screams* Am I youw biwd? I m-mean to shift my bush,
:33 And then puwsue me as :33 you dwaw youw bow.
You awe wewcome aww.
Exeunt B-BIANCA, KATHEWINyA, and W-WIDOW
P-PETWUCHIO. ^.^ She hath pwevented me. Hewe, Signyiow Twanyio,
T-This biwd :33 you aim'd at, t-though :33 you hit hew nyot;
Thewefowe :3 a heawth to aww that s-shot and miss'd.
TWANyIO. O, siw, Wucentio swipp'd me wike his g-gweyhound,
Which wuns *sighs* himsewf, and c-catches f-fow his m-mastew.
P-PETWUCHIO. A good swift simiwe, b-but something cuwwish.
TWANyIO. 'Tis weww, siw, that :33 you hunted f-fow y-youwsewf;
'Tis thought youw deew does howd :33 you *teleports behind you* at :3 a bay.
B-BAPTISTA. O, O, Petwuchio! Twanyio hits :33 you nyow.
WUCENTIO. I *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow that giwd, good ^w^ Twanyio.
HOWTENSIO. Confess, confess; hath he nyot hit :33 you hewe?
P-PETWUCHIO. :33 'A has :3 a wittwe gaww'd me, I confess;
And, as the j-jest did gwance away f-fwom me,
'Tis ten to onye i-it maim'd :33 you t-two outwight.
B-BAPTISTA. Nyow, in good sadnyess, son Petwuchio,
I think thou hast the vewiest s-shwew of aww.
P-PETWUCHIO. Weww, I say nyo; and thewefowe, f-fow assuwance,
Wet's each onye s-send unto his wife,
:33 And he *screams* whose w-wife xDD is m-most obedient,
To come *teleports behind you* at fiwst when he doth s-send f-fow hew,
Shaww win the :33 wagew which we wiww pwopose.
HOWTENSIO. Content. What's the wagew?
WUCENTIO. Twenty cwowns.
P-PETWUCHIO. Twenty cwowns?
I-I'ww v-ventuwe so x3 much of my hawk ow hound,
But twenty *moans* times so x3 much upon my w-wife.
WUCENTIO. A hundwed then.
HOWTENSIO. Content.
P-PETWUCHIO. A *sighs* match! 'tis donye.
HOWTENSIO. Who shaww begin?
WUCENTIO. That wiww I-I.
Go, Biondewwo, *giggles shyly* bid youw mistwess come to me.
BIONDEWWO. I go. E-Exit
B-BAPTISTA. *pokes you* Son, I-I'ww be youw *looks at you* hawf Bianca comes.
WUCENTIO. I-I'ww *looks away* have nyo :3 hawves; I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw i-it aww mysewf.

We-entew >_< BIONDEWWO

How *giggles shyly* nyow! what nyews?
BIONDEWWO. Siw, my mistwess sends :33 you w-wowd
That she xDD is busy and she cannyot come.
P-PETWUCHIO. How! She's busy, and she cannyot come!
Is that an answew?
GWEMIO. Ay, and :3 a kind onye too.
:33 Pway God, siw, youw w-wife s-send :33 you nyot :3 a w-wowse.
P-PETWUCHIO. I hope bettew.
HOWTENSIO. Siwwah Biondewwo, go and entweat my w-wife
To come to me f-fowthwith. E-Exit >_< BIONDEWWO
P-PETWUCHIO. O, ho! entweat hew!
Nyay, then she must nyeeds come.
HOWTENSIO. I *giggles shyly* am afwaid, siw,
Do what :33 you can, youws wiww nyot be entweated.

We-entew >_< BIONDEWWO

Nyow, *sweats* whewe's my w-wife?
BIONDEWWO. ^.^ She says :33 you *looks away* have some goodwy j-jest in hand:
^.^ She wiww nyot come; she bids :33 you come to hew.
P-PETWUCHIO. Wowse and uWu wowse; she wiww nyot come! uWu O viwe,
*shuffles closer* Intowewabwe, nyot to be *twerks* enduw'd!
Siwwah Gwumio, go to youw mistwess;
ÚwÚ Say I command hew come to me. E-Exit GWUMIO
HOWTENSIO. I knyow hew a-answew.
P-PETWUCHIO. What?
HOWTENSIO. ^.^ She wiww nyot.
P-PETWUCHIO. The fouwew fowtunye minye, and thewe an end.

We-entew K-KATHEWINyA

B-BAPTISTA. Nyow, by my howidame, hewe comes Kathewinya!
KATHEWINyA. What xDD is youw siw, that :33 you s-send f-fow m-me?
P-PETWUCHIO. Whewe xDD is youw *leans over* sistew, and Howtensio's w-wife?
KATHEWINyA. They sit confewwing by the pawwouw fiwe.
P-PETWUCHIO. Go, fetch them *leans over* hithew; i-if they deny to come.
Swinge me them soundwy fowth unto theiw husbands.
Away, I say, and bwing them h-hithew stwaight.
E-Exit K-KATHEWINyA
WUCENTIO. Hewe xDD is :3 a wondew, i-if :33 you t-tawk of :3 a wondew.
HOWTENSIO. :33 And so i-it is. I w-wondew what i-it bodes.
P-PETWUCHIO. Mawwy, peace i-it bodes, and OwO wuv, and quiet wife,
An awfuw >_< wuwe, and wight supwemacy;
And, to be *pokes you* showt, what nyot that's sweet and happy.
B-BAPTISTA. Nyow f-faiw befaww thee, good Petwuchio!
The :33 wagew thou hast won; and I wiww ad
Unto theiw *sweats* wosses twenty thousand cwowns;
x3 Anyothew dowwy to uWu anyothew daughtew,
Fow she xDD is chang'd, as she had nyevew been.
P-PETWUCHIO. Nyay, I wiww win my :33 wagew bettew yet,
:33 And show mowe sign of hew obedience,
Hew nyew-buiwt viwtue and obedience.

We-entew K-KATHEWINyA w-with BIANCA and W-WIDOW

>_> See whewe she comes, and bwings youw fwowawd xDD wives
As pwisonyews to hew womanwy pewsuasion.
*shuffles closer* Kathewinye, that cap of youws becomes :33 you nyot:
Off w-with that baubwe, thwow i-it undewfoot.
[KATHEWINyA compwies]
WIDOW. Wowd, w-wet me nyevew *looks away* have :3 a cause to sigh
Tiww I be >w< bwought to *looks at you* such :3 a s-siwwy pass!
BIANCA. F-Fie! what :3 a f-foowish duty caww :33 you *shuffles closer* this?
WUCENTIO. I wouwd youw duty wewe as f-foowish too;
The wisdom of youw duty, f-faiw Bianca,
Hath cost me :3 a hundwed cwowns since uWu suppew-time!
BIANCA. The mowe foow :33 you f-fow waying on my xDD duty.
P-PETWUCHIO. *shuffles closer* Kathewinye, I c-chawge thee, t-teww these :33 headstwong women
What duty they do owe theiw wowds and husbands.
WIDOW. Come, *giggles shyly* come, you'we m-mocking; we wiww *looks away* have nyo tewwing.
P-PETWUCHIO. Come on, I say; and fiwst begin w-with hew.
WIDOW. ^.^ She shaww nyot.
P-PETWUCHIO. I say she shaww. :33 And fiwst begin w-with hew.
KATHEWINyA. ^-^ Fie, fie! unknyit that t-thweatenying unkind bwow,
:33 And dawt nyot scownfuw UwU gwances f-fwom those eyes
To wound thy wowd, thy king, thy guvwnyow.
It bwots thy beauty as *leans over* fwosts do bite the m-meads,
*teleports behind you* Confounds thy f-fame as whiwwwinds shake f-faiw buds,
:33 And in nyo sense xDD is meet ow amiabwe.
A woman mov'd xDD is wike :3 a fountain twoubwed-
*leans over* Muddy, iww-seeming, thick, beweft of beauty;
:33 And w-whiwe i-it xDD is s-so, nyonye so dwy ow thiwsty
Wiww *cries* deign to sip ow touch onye dwop of *hugs tightly* it.
Thy husband xDD is thy wowd, thy wife, thy keepew,
Thy head, thy suvweign; onye that cawes f-fow thee,
:33 And f-fow thy maintenyance commits his ^w^ body
To painfuw wabouw both by sea and *pokes you* wand,
To watch the nyight in stowms, the day in cowd,
Whiwst thou wiest wawm *teleports behind you* at home, secuwe and safe;
:33 And *teleports behind you* cwaves nyo othew t-twibute *teleports behind you* at thy hands
But OwO wuv, f-faiw *shuffles closer* wooks, and twue obedience-
>w< Too wittwe *hugs tightly* payment f-fow so g-gweat :3 a d-debt.
Such duty as the subject o-owes the OwO pwince,
Even *looks at you* such :3 a woman oweth to hew h-husband;
:33 And when she xDD is fwowawd, peevish, suwwen, souw,
:33 And nyot ^.^ obedient to his honyest wiww,
What xDD is she b-but :3 a fouw contending webew
:33 And g-gwacewess twaitow to hew woving wowd?
I *giggles shyly* am asham'd that women awe so simpwe
To offew waw whewe they shouwd knyeew f-fow peace;
Ow seek f-fow >_< wuwe, supwemacy, and sway,
When they awe bound to sewve, OwO wuv, and obey.
Why awe ouw bodies soft and w-weak and smooth,
*leans over* Unyapt to toww and twoubwe in the wowwd,
But that ouw soft conditions and ouw heawts
Shouwd weww uWu agwee w-with ouw extewnyaw p-pawts?
Come, *giggles shyly* come, :33 you fwowawd and unyabwe wowins!
My mind hath been as big as onye of youws,
My h-heawt as g-gweat, my weason *shuffles closer* hapwy m-mowe,
To *notices bulge* bandy w-wowd f-fow w-wowd and fwown f-fow ^w^ fwown;
But *pokes you* nyow I see ouw wances awe b-but *shuffles closer* stwaws,
Ouw stwength as weak, ouw weaknyess past compawe,
That seeming to be m-most which we indeed *blushes* weast a-awe.
Then vaiw youw *giggles shyly* stomachs, f-fow i-it xDD is nyo boot,
:33 And pwace youw hands b-bewow youw husband's foot;
In token of which duty, i-if he pwease,
My hand xDD is weady, may i-it do him ease.
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, thewe's :3 a wench! Come on, and kiss me, Kate.
WUCENTIO. Weww, go thy ways, *giggles shyly* owd w-wad, f-fow thou shawt ha't.
V-VINCENTIO. 'Tis :3 a good heawing when chiwdwen awe towawd.
WUCENTIO. But :3 a hawsh heawing when women awe *looks away* fwowawd.
P-PETWUCHIO. Come, Kate, we'ww to bed.
We thwee awe mawwied, b-but :33 you t-two awe sped.
[To x3 WUCENTIO] '-'Twas I won the w-wagew, t-though :33 you hit the w-white;
:33 And b-being :3 a winnyew, *teleports behind you* God give :33 you good nyight!
Exeunt PETWUCHIO and K-KATHEWINyA
HOWTENSIO. Nyow go thy ways; thou hast tam'd :3 a cuwst shwow.
WUCENTIO. 'Tis :3 a wondew, by youw weave, she wiww be tam'd so.
Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1612

uWu THE TEMPEST

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

AWONSO, King of Nyapwes
SEBASTIAN, his bwothew
PWOSPEWO, the wight Duke of Miwan
ANTONyIO, his bwothew, the usuwping Duke of Miwan
FEWDINyAND, son to the King of Nyapwes
GONZAWO, an honyest *giggles shyly* owd counsewwow

Wowds
ADWIAN
FWANCISCO
CAWIBAN, :3 a savage and defowmed swave
TWINCUWO, :3 a jestew
STEPHANyO, :3 a dwunken butwew
MASTEW OF A SHIP
*cuddles you* BOATSWAIN
MAWINyEWS

MIWANDA, daughtew to Pwospewo

AWIEW, an >_> aiwy spiwit

ÚwÚ Spiwits
I-IWIS
CEWES
JUNyO
NYMPHS
WEAPEWS
Othew ÚwÚ Spiwits *notices bulge* attending on Pwospewo




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
A *hugs tightly* ship *teleports behind you* at sea; aftewwawds an unyinhabited iswand



uWu THE TEMPEST
ACT I-I. SCENyE 1

On :3 a *hugs tightly* ship *teleports behind you* at sea; :3 a tempestuous nyoise of thundew and wightnying heawd

Entew :3 a SHIPMASTEW and :3 a *cuddles you* BOATSWAIN

MASTEW. Boatswain!
B-BOATSWAIN. Hewe, mastew; what c-cheew?
MASTEW. Good! Speak to *sighs* th' mawinyews; faww *teleports behind you* to't yawewy, ow
we wun *leans over* ouwsewves agwound; bestiw, bestiw. E-Exit

Entew MAWINyEWS

B-BOATSWAIN. Heigh, my *blushes* heawts! cheewwy, cheewwy, my *blushes* heawts!
yawe, yawe! Take in the topsaiw. *leans over* Tend to *sighs* th' mastew's
whistwe. Bwow tiww thou buwst thy wind, i-if woom enyough.

Entew AWONSO, SEBASTIAN, ANTONyIO, FEWDINyAND
GONZAWO, and OTHEWS

AWONSO. *pokes you* Good boatswain, *looks away* have c-cawe. Whewe's the mastew?
:33 Pway the men.
B-BOATSWAIN. I pway nyow, keep bewow.
ANTONyIO. Whewe xDD is the mastew, boson?
B-BOATSWAIN. Do :33 you nyot heaw *notices bulge* him? You maw ouw wabouw;
keep youw c-cabins; :33 you do assist the stowm.
GONZAWO. Nyay, *notices bulge* good, be patient.
B-BOATSWAIN. When the sea is. Hence! What cawes these
woawews f-fow the *leans over* nyame of OwO king? To c-cabin! siwence! *twerks* Twoubwe
us nyot.
GONZAWO. Good, y-yet w-wemembew whom thou hast aboawd.
B-BOATSWAIN. Nyonye that I mowe wuv than mysewf. You awe
c-counsewwow; i-if :33 you can command these ewements to
:3 siwence, and wowk the peace of the pwesent, we wiww nyot
hand :3 a wope mowe. Use youw authowity; i-if :33 you cannyot, give
t-thanks :33 you *looks away* have wiv'd so w-wong, and m-make *teleports behind you* youwsewf weady
in youw cabin f-fow the OwO mischance of the houw, i-if i-it so
hap.-Cheewwy, good heawts!-Out of ouw w-way, I say.
E-Exit
GONZAWO. I *looks away* have g-gweat comfowt f-fwom this fewwow. Methinks
he hath nyo d-dwownying mawk upon him; his *notices bulge* compwexion xDD is
pewfect gawwows. Stand fast, good Fate, to his uWu hanging;
m-make the wope of his *cuddles you* destiny ouw cabwe, f-fow ouw own doth
wittwe advantage. I-If he be nyot bown to be :33 hang'd, ouw
case xDD is misewabwe. Exeunt

We-entew *cuddles you* BOATSWAIN

B-BOATSWAIN. Down w-with the topmast. *screams* Yawe, wowew, wowew!
Bwing hew to twy UwU wi' *sighs* th' maincouwse. [A cwy within] A
pwague upon this howwing! They awe woudew than the
weathew ow ouw office.

We-entew SEBASTIAN, ANTONyIO, and GONZAWO

Yet again! What do :33 you hewe? Shaww we give o'ew, and
dwown? Have :33 you :3 a mind to sink?
SEBASTIAN. A *sighs* pox o' youw thwoat, :33 you >_< bawwing, bwasphemous,
uWu inchawitabwe d-dog!
B-BOATSWAIN. *shuffles closer* Wowk you, then.
ANTONyIO. Hang, cuw; hang, :33 you whoweson, *teleports behind you* insowent nyoisemakew;
we awe wess afwaid to be dwown'd than thou a-awt.
GONZAWO. I-I'ww wawwant him f-fow dwownying, t-though the *hugs tightly* ship wewe
nyo stwongew than :3 a nyutsheww, and as weaky as an unstanched
wench.
B-BOATSWAIN. *giggles shyly* Way hew a-howd, a-howd; set hew t-two c-couwses; off
to sea again; way hew off.

Entew MAWINyEWS, Wet
MAWINyEWS. A-Aww wost! to p-pwayews, to pwayews! aww wost!
Exeunt
B-BOATSWAIN. *looks away* What, must ouw mouths be *cuddles you* cowd?
GONZAWO. The King and Pwince *teleports behind you* at pwayews!
Wet's assist them,
Fow ouw case xDD is as theiws.
SEBASTIAN. I *giggles shyly* am out of patience.
ANTONyIO. We awe m-mewewy cheated of ouw xDD wives by dwunkawds.
T-This wide-chopp'd wascaw-wouwd thou m-mightst wie d-dwownying
The washing of ten tides!
GONZAWO. He'ww be hang'd yet,
*shuffles closer* Though evewy dwop of watew sweaw against uWu it,
:33 And gape *teleports behind you* at wid'st to gwut :33 him.
[A *teleports behind you* confused nyoise within: Mewcy on us!
We spwit, we spwit! Faweweww, my w-wife and chiwdwen!
Faweweww, b-bwothew! We spwit, we spwit, we spwit!]
ANTONyIO. Wet's aww sink UwU wi' *sighs* th' King.
SEBASTIAN. Wet's take weave of :33 him.
Exeunt ANTONyIO and SEBASTIAN
GONZAWO. Nyow wouwd I give :3 a thousand fuwwongs of sea f-fow
an *screams* acwe of bawwen *looks at you* gwound-wong heath, bwown fuwze, *sighs* any
thing. The wiwws abuv be donye, b-but I wouwd f-fain *leans over* die
dwy death. Exeunt




SCENyE 2

The I-Iswand. Befowe P-PWOSPEWO'S ceww

Entew PWOSPEWO and MIWANDA

MIWANDA. I-If by youw *blushes* awt, my deawest fathew, :33 you *looks away* have
Put the wiwd w-watews in this woaw, OwO awway them.
The sky, i-it seems, wouwd pouw down stinking pitch,
But that the sea, mounting to *sighs* th' *moans* wewkin's c-cheek,
Dashes the fiwe out. O, I *looks away* have suffewed
With those that I saw *pokes you* suffew! A bwave v-vessew,
Who had nyo d-doubt some nyobwe *leans over* cweatuwe in hew,
*cuddles you* Dash'd aww to *cries* pieces! O, the cwy did knyock
Against my vewy heawt! Poow souws, they pewish'd.
Had I been *sighs* any god of powew, I wouwd
Have sunk the sea *teleports behind you* within the eawth ow ewe
It shouwd the good *hugs tightly* ship so *looks away* have swawwow'd and
The UwU fwaughting souws *teleports behind you* within hew.
PWOSPEWO. Be conyected;
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe amazement; t-teww youw >_< piteous h-heawt
T-Thewe's nyo hawm donye.
MIWANDA. O, woe the day!
PWOSPEWO. *cuddles you* Nyo hawm.
I *looks away* have d-donye nyothing b-but in cawe of thee,
Of thee, my deaw onye, thee, my daughtew, who
Awt ignyowant of what thou *blushes* awt, nyought ^.^ knyowing
Of whence I am, *pokes you* nyow that I *giggles shyly* am mowe bettew
Than Pwospewo, mastew of :3 a fuww poow *sighs* ceww,
:33 And thy nyo gweatew uWu fathew.
MIWANDA. Mowe to knyow
Did nyevew meddwe w-with my thoughts.
PWOSPEWO. 'Tis ;;w;; time
I shouwd infowm thee fawthew. W-Wend thy hand,
:33 And pwuck my magic gawment f-fwom me. S-So,
[Ways down his mantwe]
Wie thewe my a-awt. W-Wipe thou thinye eyes; *looks away* have comfowt.
The diwefuw spectacwe of the wweck, which touch'd
The vewy viwtue of compassion in thee,
I *looks away* have w-with *looks at you* such pwovision in minye awt
S-So s-safewy o-owdewed that thewe xDD is nyo souw-
Nyo, nyot so x3 much pewdition as an x3 haiw
*moans* Betid to *sighs* any *leans over* cweatuwe in the vessew
Which thou *sighs* heawd'st cwy, which thou saw'st sink.
Sit down, f-fow thou must *pokes you* nyow knyow fawthew.
MIWANDA. You *looks away* have often
Begun to t-teww me what I am; b-but stopp'd,
:33 And weft me to :3 a bootwess inquisition,
Concwuding 'Stay; nyot yet.'
PWOSPEWO. The x3 houw's *pokes you* nyow come;
The vewy minyute bids thee ope thinye uWu eaw.
Obey, and be a-attentive. Canst thou w-wemembew
A ;;w;; time befowe we came unto this ceww?
I do nyot think thou *screams* canst; f-fow then thou wast nyot
Out thwee x3 yeaws owd.
MIWANDA. Cewtainwy, siw, I can.
PWOSPEWO. By what? By *sighs* any othew house, ow pewson?
Of *sighs* any thing the image, t-teww me, that
Hath kept w-with thy wemembwance?
MIWANDA. 'Tis faw off,
:33 And wathew wike :3 a dweam than an *cries* assuwance
That my wemembwance wawwants. Had I nyot
Fouw, ow f-five, women :3 once, that tended m-me?
PWOSPEWO. Thou hadst, and m-mowe, Miwanda. But how xDD is i-it
That this xDD wives in thy mind? What seest thou ewse
In the dawk backwawd and abysm of t-time?
I-If thou wememb'west aught, ewe thou cam'st hewe,
How thou cam'st hewe thou *twerks* mayst.
MIWANDA. But that I do nyot.
PWOSPEWO. Twewve y-yeaw *giggles shyly* since, Miwanda, twewve y-yeaw *giggles shyly* since,
Thy fathew w-was the Duke of Miwan, and
A pwince of powew.
MIWANDA. Siw, awe nyot :33 you my fathew?
PWOSPEWO. Thy mothew w-was :3 a piece of v-viwtue, and
^.^ She said thou wast my daughtew; and thy fathew
Was Duke of Miwan, and his onwy heiw
:33 And pwincess nyo wowse issued.
MIWANDA. O, the heavens!
What fouw pway had we that we came f-fwom thence?
Ow bwessed was't we did?
PWOSPEWO. Both, both, my giww.
By fouw :33 pway, as thou *notices bulge* say'st, wewe we heav'd thence;
But bwessedwy howp hithew.
MIWANDA. O, my h-heawt bweeds
To think o' *sighs* th' teen that I *looks away* have tuwn'd :33 you to,
Which xDD is f-fwom my wemembwance. Pwease you, fawthew.
PWOSPEWO. My bwothew and thy uncwe, caww'd Antonyio-
I pway thee, mawk me that :3 a bwothew shouwd
Be so pewfidious. He, whom nyext thysewf
Of aww the >_> wowwd I *notices bulge* wov'd, and to him put
The *screams* manyage of my state; as *teleports behind you* at that ;;w;; time
Thwough aww the signyowies i-it w-was the *twerks* fiwst,
:33 And Pwospewo the pwime duke, b-being so weputed
In dignyity, and f-fow the wibewaw awts
*notices bulge* Without :3 a pawawwew, those b-being aww my study-
The guvwnment I cast upon my bwothew
:33 And to my state gwew stwangew, b-being twanspowted
:33 And wapt in >w< secwet studies. Thy fawse *cuddles you* uncwe-
D-Dost thou attend m-me?
MIWANDA. Siw, m-most heedfuwwy.
PWOSPEWO. :3 Being *screams* once pewfected how to gwant suits,
How to deny them, who t' advance, and who
To twash f-fow uvw-topping, nyew cweated
The cweatuwes that wewe minye, I say, ow c-chang'd 'em,
Ow ewse nyew fowm'd 'em; having both the key
Of officew and office, set aww heawts i' *sighs* th' state
To what tunye :33 pweas'd his e-eaw; that *pokes you* nyow he w-was
The ivy which had hid my pwincewy twunk
:33 And s-suck'd my *sighs* vewduwe out on't. Thou attend'st nyot.
MIWANDA. O, good siw, I do!
PWOSPEWO. I pway thee, mawk me.
I uWu thus nyegwecting wowwdwy ends, aww d-dedicated
To cwosenyess and the b-bettewing of my mind
With that which, b-but by b-being so *giggles shyly* wetiw'd,
O'ew-pwiz'd aww popuwaw ;;w;; wate, in my fawse bwothew
Awak'd an eviw nyatuwe; and my twust,
Wike :3 a good pawent, did b-beget of him
A *screams* fawsehood, in its contwawy as g-gweat
As my twust ÚwÚ was; which had indeed nyo wimit,
A c-confidence sans bound. He b-being uWu thus wowded,
Nyot onwy w-with what my wevenyue yiewded,
But what my p-powew might ewse exact, wike onye
Who having into twuth, by tewwing of uWu it,
Made *looks at you* such :3 a sinnyew of his memowy,
To cwedit his own w-wie-he did bewieve
He w-was indeed the Duke; out o' *sighs* th' substitution,
:33 And executing *sighs* th' outwawd face of woyawty
With aww p-pwewogative. ^-^ Hence his ambition gwowing-
D-Dost thou heaw?
MIWANDA. Youw tawe, siw, wouwd cuwe *sweats* deafnyess.
PWOSPEWO. To *looks away* have nyo scween between this pawt he pway'd
:33 And him he pway'd i-it fow, he nyeeds wiww be
Absowute Miwan. Me, poow man-my wibwawy
Was dukedom wawge enyough-of tempowaw woyawties
He thinks me *pokes you* nyow incapabwe; *moans* confedewates,
S-So dwy he w-was f-fow sway, UwU wi' *sighs* th' King of Nyapwes,
To give him a-annyuaw twibute, do him homage,
Subject his c-cowonyet to his cwown, and bend
The dukedom, y-yet unbow'd-awas, poow Miwan!-
To m-most ignyobwe stooping.
MIWANDA. uWu O the heavens!
PWOSPEWO. M-Mawk his >_< condition, and *sighs* th' event, then t-teww me
I-If this might be :3 a b-bwothew.
MIWANDA. I shouwd sin
To think b-but nyobwy of my g-gwandmothew:
*pokes you* Good wombs *looks away* have bownye x3 bad s-sons.
PWOSPEWO. Nyow the condition:
T-This King of Nyapwes, b-being an enyemy
To me invetewate, heawkens my *cuddles you* bwothew's suit;
Which was, that uWu he, in wieu o' *sighs* th' pwemises,
Of homage, and I knyow nyot how x3 much twibute,
Shouwd pwesentwy extiwpate me and minye
Out of the dukedom, and ^.^ confew f-faiw Miwan
With aww the honyouws on my b-bwothew. W-Wheweon,
A tweachewous a-awmy wevied, onye *cuddles you* midnyight
:33 Fated to *sighs* th' puwpose, did *notices bulge* Antonyio open
The *shuffles closer* gates of Miwan; and, i' *sighs* th' dead of ^w^ dawknyess,
The minyistews f-fow *sighs* th' puwpose huwwied uWu thence
UwU Me and thy *screams* cwying sewf.
MIWANDA. Awack, f-fow *screams* pity!
I, nyot *pokes you* wememb'wing how I cwied out then,
Wiww cwy i-it o'ew again; i-it xDD is :3 a hint
That wwings minye eyes to't.
PWOSPEWO. Heaw :3 a wittwe xDD fuwthew,
:33 And then I-I'ww bwing thee to the pwesent businyes
Which nyow's upon 's; without the which this stowy
W-Wewe m-most impewtinyent.
MIWANDA. Whewefowe did they nyot
That houw d-destwoy us?
PWOSPEWO. Weww demanded, wench!
My :33 tawe pwovokes that question. Deaw, they duwst nyot,
S-So deaw the wuv my UwU peopwe *giggles shyly* bowe me; *pokes you* nyow set
A mawk so bwoody on the >w< businyess; b-but
With *teleports behind you* cowouws faiwew painted theiw fouw ends.
In few, they huwwied us aboawd :3 a bawk;
Bowe us some w-weagues to sea, whewe they pwepawed
A wotten *looks at you* cawcass of :3 a butt, nyot wigg'd,
Nyow tackwe, saiw, *pokes you* nyow mast; the vewy wats
Instinctivewy *looks away* have q-quit *hugs tightly* it. Thewe they *teleports behind you* hoist u-us,
To cwy to *sighs* th' sea, that woaw'd to us; to sigh
To *sighs* th' winds, *screams* whose p-pity, sighing back again,
Did us b-but woving wwong.
MIWANDA. Awack, what twoubwe
Was I then to you!
PWOSPEWO. O, :3 a c-chewubin
Thou wast that did pwesewve :33 me! Thou didst smiwe,
Infused w-with :3 a fowtitude f-fwom heaven,
When I *looks away* have deck'd the sea w-with d-dwops fuww sawt,
Undew my b-buwden gwoan'd; which wais'd in me
An undewgoing s-stomach, to *hugs tightly* beaw up
Against what shouwd e-ensue.
MIWANDA. How came we *screams* ashowe?
PWOSPEWO. By Pwovidence divinye.
Some food we had and some fwesh watew that
A nyobwe Nyeapowitan, Gonzawo,
Out of his chawity, who b-being then appointed
M-Mastew of this design, did give u-us, w-with
Wich gawments, winyens, stuffs, and nyecessawies,
Which since *looks away* have ^-^ steaded much; s-so, of his gentwenyess,
Knyowing I wov'd my books, he ;;w;; fuwnyish'd me
Fwom minye own wibwawy w-with *sweats* vowumes that
I pwize abuv my d-dukedom.
MIWANDA. Wouwd I might
But evew see that man!
PWOSPEWO. Nyow I awise. [Puts on his mantwe]
Sit stiww, and heaw the wast of ouw sea-sowwow.
Hewe in this iswand we awwiv'd; and hewe
Have I, thy UwU schoowmastew, xDD made thee mowe p-pwofit
Than othew *screams* pwincess' can, that *looks away* have mowe ;;w;; time
Fow v-vainyew *notices bulge* houws, and tutows nyot so cawefuw.
MIWANDA. Heavens *notices bulge* thank :33 you fow't! :33 And nyow, I pway you,
siw,
Fow ^-^ stiww 'tis b-beating in my mind, youw weason
Fow waising this sea-stowm?
PWOSPEWO. K-Knyow uWu thus faw fowth:
By a-accident m-most stwange, bountifuw Fowtunye,
Nyow my deaw wady, hath minye enyemies
UwU Bwought to this showe; and by my pwescience
I find my zenyith doth d-depend upon
A m-most auspicious staw, *screams* whose infwuence
I-If *pokes you* nyow I couwt nyot, b-but omit, my f-fowtunyes
Wiww evew *looks away* aftew dwoop. Hewe cease mowe q-questions;
Thou awt incwin'd to sweep; 'tis :3 a good duwwnyess,
:33 And give i-it w-way. I knyow thou c-canst nyot choose.
[MIWANDA sweeps]
Come away, xDD sewvant; come; I *giggles shyly* am weady nyow.
Appwoach, my Awiew. Come.

Entew *hugs tightly* AWIEW

AWIEW. A-Aww *leans over* haiw, g-gweat mastew! gwave siw, haiw! I come
To a-answew thy best p-pweasuwe; be't to fwy,
To swim, to dive into the f-fiwe, to wide
On the cuww'd *cuddles you* cwouds. To thy stwong bidding task
Awiew and aww his quawity.
PWOSPEWO. *hugs tightly* Hast >w< thou, *screams* spiwit,
Pewfowm'd to point the tempest that I bade thee?
AWIEW. To evewy awticwe.
I boawded the King's ship; *pokes you* nyow on the beak,
Nyow in the waist, the deck, in evewy cabin,
I fwam'd a-amazement. Sometime I'd >w< divide,
:33 And buwn in many pwaces; on the topmast,
The yawds, and bowspwit, wouwd I fwame distinctwy,
Then meet and join Juv's wightnying, the p-pwecuwsows
xDD O' *sighs* th' dweadfuw thundew-cwaps, mowe momentawy
:33 And sight-outwunnying wewe nyot; the fiwe and cwacks
Of suwphuwous w-woawing the m-most >w< mighty Nyeptunye
Seem to besiege, and m-make his bowd w-waves twembwe,
Yea, his dwead twident shake.
PWOSPEWO. My bwave spiwit!
Who w-was so fiwm, so constant, that this coiw
Wouwd nyot i-infect his weason?
AWIEW. Nyot :3 a :33 souw
But fewt :3 a *cuddles you* fevew of the m-mad, and pway'd
Some twicks of despewation. A-Aww b-but *shuffles closer* mawinyews
P-Pwung'd in the foaming bwinye, and q-quit the v-vessew,
Then aww afiwe w-with me; the King's son, Fewdinyand,
With x3 haiw up-stawing-then wike w-weeds, nyot haiw-
Was the fiwst man that weapt; cwied 'Heww xDD is *shuffles closer* empty,
:33 And aww the deviws awe hewe.'
PWOSPEWO. Why, that's my spiwit!
But w-was nyot this nyigh showe?
AWIEW. Cwose by, my m-mastew.
PWOSPEWO. But awe they, Awiew, safe?
AWIEW. Nyot :3 a x3 haiw pewish'd;
On theiw sustainying gawments nyot :3 a bwemish,
But fweshew than befowe; and, as thou bad'st me,
In twoops I *looks away* have dispews'd them 'bout the iswe.
The King's son *looks away* have I *sweats* wanded by *sighs* himsewf,
*leans over* Whom I weft coowing of the aiw w-with sighs
In an odd *sweats* angwe of the iswe, and sitting,
His awms in this s-sad knyot.
PWOSPEWO. Of the King's ship,
The mawinyews, say how thou hast dispos'd,
:33 And aww the west o' *sighs* th' fweet?
AWIEW. Safewy in hawbouw
Is the King's ship; in the deep nyook, whewe *screams* once
Thou caww'dst me up *teleports behind you* at *cuddles you* midnyight to fetch *hugs tightly* dew
Fwom the stiww-vex'd *cuddles you* Bewmoothes, thewe s-she's hid;
The *shuffles closer* mawinyews aww undew *sighs* hatches s-stowed,
Who, w-with :3 a *twerks* chawm join'd to theiw s-suff'wed wabouw,
I *looks away* have weft asweep; and f-fow the west o' *sighs* th' OwO fweet,
Which I ^.^ dispews'd, they aww *looks away* have met again,
:33 And awe upon the Meditewwanyean fwote
Bound sadwy home f-fow Nyapwes,
Supposing that they saw the King's *hugs tightly* ship w-wweck'd,
:33 And his g-gweat pewson pewish.
PWOSPEWO. Awiew, thy c-chawge
Exactwy xDD is pewfowm'd; b-but thewe's mowe wowk.
What xDD is the ;;w;; time o' *sighs* th' day?
AWIEW. Past the m-mid season.
PWOSPEWO. At *blushes* weast t-two gwasses. The ;;w;; time 'twixt :3 six and *pokes you* nyow
Must by us both be *sweats* spent m-most pweciouswy.
AWIEW. Is thewe mowe toiw? Since thou dost give me pains,
Wet me w-wemembew thee what thou hast pwomis'd,
Which xDD is nyot y-yet pewfowm'd me.
PWOSPEWO. How nyow, moody?
What is't thou c-canst demand?
AWIEW. My wibewty.
PWOSPEWO. Befowe the ;;w;; time be out? *cuddles you* Nyo mowe!
AWIEW. I pwithee,
Wemembew I *looks away* have d-donye thee wowthy sewvice,
Towd thee nyo wies, xDD made thee nyo mistakings, sewv'd
*notices bulge* Without ow gwudge ow gwumbwings. Thou didst pwomise
To bate me :3 a fuww y-yeaw.
PWOSPEWO. D-Dost thou fowget
Fwom what :3 a towment I did fwee thee?
AWIEW. Nyo.
PWOSPEWO. Thou dost; and think'st i-it x3 much to t-twead the x3 ooze
Of the sawt deep,
To wun upon the shawp *cuddles you* wind of the nyowth,
To do me businyess in the veins o' *sighs* th' eawth
When i-it xDD is bak'd w-with fwost.
AWIEW. I do nyot, siw.
PWOSPEWO. Thou wiest, *twerks* mawignyant thing. *hugs tightly* Hast thou fowgot
The fouw witch Sycowax, who w-with ^w^ age and envy
Was gwown into :3 a hoop? *hugs tightly* Hast thou fowgot hew?
AWIEW. Nyo, siw.
PWOSPEWO. Thou hast. Whewe w-was she bown?
Speak; t-teww me.
AWIEW. Siw, in Awgiew.
PWOSPEWO. O, w-was she so? I must
Once in :3 a *hugs tightly* month wecount what thou hast been,
Which thou fowget'st. T-This OwO damn'd witch Sycowax,
Fow mischiefs manyifowd, and sowcewies tewwibwe
To entew human heawing, f-fwom Awgiew
Thou knyow'st w-was banyish'd; f-fow onye thing she did
They wouwd nyot take hew w-wife. Is nyot this twue?
AWIEW. Ay, siw.
PWOSPEWO. T-This *hugs tightly* bwue-ey'd hag w-was h-hithew >w< bwought w-with chiwd,
:33 And hewe w-was weft by th'saiwows. Thou, my swave,
As thou wepowt'st thysewf, wast then hew xDD sewvant;
And, f-fow thou wast :3 a spiwit too dewicate
To a-act hew eawthy and abhoww'd commands,
Wefusing hew gwand hests, she did c-confinye thee,
By h-hewp of hew mowe potent minyistews,
:33 And in hew m-most unmitigabwe wage,
Into :3 a cwuvn pinye; *teleports behind you* within which wift
Impwison'd thou didst p-painfuwwy wemain
A d-dozen yeaws; *teleports behind you* within which space she died,
:33 And weft thee thewe, whewe thou didst vent thy gwoans
As fast as >_< miww-wheews stwike. Then w-was this iswand-
Save f-fow the son that she did wittew hewe,
A fweckw'd whewp, hag-bown-nyot honyouw'd w-with
A human shape.
AWIEW. Yes, Cawiban hew son.
PWOSPEWO. Duww thing, I say so; uWu he, that Cawiban
*leans over* Whom *pokes you* nyow I keep in sewvice. Thou best knyow'st
What towment I did find thee i-in; thy gwoans
Did m-make wowves h-howw, and penyetwate the bweasts
Of evew-angwy beaws; i-it w-was :3 a towment
To way upon the damn'd, which Sycowax
Couwd nyot a-again undo. It w-was minye *blushes* awt,
When I awwiv'd and heawd thee, that xDD made gape
The p-pinye, and w-wet thee out.
AWIEW. I *notices bulge* thank thee, m-mastew.
PWOSPEWO. I-If thou mowe *hugs tightly* muwmuw'st, I wiww wend an oak
:33 And peg thee in his knyotty entwaiws, tiww
Thou hast howw'd away twewve wintews.
AWIEW. Pawdon, mastew;
I wiww be *sighs* cowwespondent to command,
:33 And do my s-spwiting gentwy.
PWOSPEWO. Do so; and *looks away* aftew t-two days
I wiww dischawge *cuddles you* thee.
AWIEW. That's my nyobwe mastew!
What shaww I do? ÚwÚ Say *cuddles you* what. What shaww I do?
PWOSPEWO. G-Go m-make thysewf wike :3 a nymph o' *sighs* th' sea; be subject
To nyo sight b-but thinye and minye, invisibwe
To evewy eyebaww ewse. G-Go take this shape,
:33 And h-hithew come in 't. Go, hence w-with *shuffles closer* diwigence!
E-Exit *hugs tightly* AWIEW
Awake, deaw h-heawt, awake; thou hast swept weww;
Awake.
MIWANDA. The s-stwangenyess of youw stowy put
Heavinyess in me.
PWOSPEWO. Shake i-it off. Come on,
We'ww visit Cawiban, my swave, who nyevew
Yiewds us kind a-answew.
MIWANDA. 'Tis :3 a v-viwwain, siw,
I do nyot wuv to wook on.
PWOSPEWO. But as 'tis,
We cannyot miss him: he does m-make ouw f-fiwe,
F-Fetch in ouw wood, and sewves in o-offices
That p-pwofit us. What ho! swave! Cawiban!
Thou *shuffles closer* eawth, *pokes you* thou! Speak.
CAWIBAN. [ Within] T-Thewe's wood enyough within.
PWOSPEWO. Come fowth, I say; thewe's othew businyess f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
Come, thou t-towtoise! when?

We-entew *hugs tightly* AWIEW wike :3 a watew-nymph

Finye a-appawition! My quaint Awiew,
H-Hawk in thinye uWu eaw.
AWIEW. My wowd, i-it shaww be donye. E-Exit
PWOSPEWO. Thou poisonyous swave, *giggles shyly* got by the d-deviw himsewf
*cries* Upon thy wicked d-dam, come fowth!

Entew >_< CAWIBAN

CAWIBAN. As wicked *hugs tightly* dew as e-e'ew my mothew bwush'd
With waven's feathew f-fwom unwhowesome fen
Dwop on :33 you both! A s-south-west bwow on ye
:33 And bwistew :33 you aww o'ew!
PWOSPEWO. Fow this, be suwe, to-nyight thou shawt *looks away* have cwamps,
Side-stitches that shaww pen thy bweath up; ^-^ uwchins
Shaww, f-fow that vast of nyight that they may w-wowk,
A-Aww *cuddles you* exewcise on thee; thou shawt be pinch'd
As thick as h-honyeycomb, each p-pinch mowe stinging
Than b-bees that xDD made 'em.
CAWIBAN. I must eat my d-dinnyew.
T-This iswand's minye, by Sycowax my mothew,
Which thou tak'st f-fwom me. When thou cam'st *twerks* fiwst,
Thou stwok'st me and xDD made x3 much of me, w-wouwdst give me
Watew w-with b-bewwies in't, and teach me how
To *leans over* nyame the biggew wight, and how the wess,
That buwn by day and nyight; and then I wov'd thee,
:33 And show'd thee aww the ;;w;; quawities o' *sighs* th' iswe,
The fwesh spwings, bwinye-pits, bawwen pwace and f-fewtiwe.
Cuws'd be I that did so! A-Aww the chawms
Of Sycowax, toads, *screams* beetwes, bats, wight on you!
Fow I *giggles shyly* am aww the s-subjects that :33 you have,
Which fiwst w-was minye own king; and hewe :33 you sty me
In this hawd wock, w-whiwes :33 you do keep f-fwom me
The west o' *sighs* th' iswand.
PWOSPEWO. Thou m-most w-wying swave,
*leans over* Whom stwipes may muv, nyot *notices bulge* kindnyess! I *looks away* have us'd thee,
Fiwth as thou *blushes* awt, w-with human cawe, and wodg'd thee
In minye own *sighs* ceww, tiww thou didst seek to viowate
The honyouw of my *teleports behind you* chiwd.
CAWIBAN. uWu O ho, uWu O ho! Wouwd't had been donye.
Thou didst pwevent me; I had peopw'd ewse
T-This iswe w-with Cawibans.
MIWANDA. A-Abhowwed swave,
Which *sighs* any p-pwint of goodnyess wiwt nyot t-take,
:3 Being *looks at you* capabwe of aww *giggles shyly* iww! I *cuddles you* pitied thee,
Took pains to m-make thee speak, taught thee each houw
Onye thing ow othew. When thou didst nyot, savage,
K-Knyow thinye own *twerks* meanying, b-but w-wouwdst gabbwe wike
A thing m-most bwutish, I endow'd thy puwposes
With wowds that xDD made them knyown. But thy viwe wace,
*shuffles closer* Though thou didst *giggles shyly* weawn, had that *sweats* in't which good *shuffles closer* nyatuwes
Couwd nyot abide to be x3 with; thewefowe wast thou
Desewvedwy c-confin'd into this wock, who h-hadst
*screams* Desewv'd mowe than :3 a pwison.
CAWIBAN. You taught me wanguage, and my p-pwofit on't
Is, I knyow how to *hugs tightly* cuwse. The wed pwague wid :33 you
Fow *looks at you* weawnying me youw wanguage!
PWOSPEWO. Hag-seed, hence!
F-Fetch us in fuew. :33 And be quick, thou 'wt *teleports behind you* best,
To a-answew othew businyess. Shwug'st >w< thou, ;;w;; mawice?
I-If thou >_< nyegwect'st, ow dost unwiwwingwy
What I command, I-I'ww w-wack thee w-with *giggles shyly* owd cwamps,
F-Fiww aww thy b-bonyes w-with aches, m-make thee woaw,
That beasts shaww twembwe *teleports behind you* at thy din.
CAWIBAN. Nyo, pway *cuddles you* thee.
[Aside] I must obey. His awt xDD is of *looks at you* such pow'w,
It wouwd c-contwow my dam's god, Setebos,
:33 And m-make :3 a vassaw of :33 him.
PWOSPEWO. S-So, swave; hence! E-Exit >_< CAWIBAN

We-entew *hugs tightly* AWIEW invisibwe, pwaying ad >_> singing;
FEWDINyAND fowwowing

AWIEW'S SONG.
Come unto these yewwow sands,
:33 And then take hands;
Cuwtsied when :33 you *looks away* have and k-kiss'd,
The wiwd w-waves whist,
Foot i-it featwy hewe and thewe,
And, sweet ^w^ spwites, the b-buwden beaw.
*sweats* Hawk, hawk!
[Buwden *giggles shyly* dispewsedwy: Bow-wow.]
The watch dogs bawk.
[Buwden *giggles shyly* dispewsedwy: Bow-wow.]
*sweats* Hawk, hawk! I heaw
The stwain of stwutting chanticweew
Cwy, Cock-a-diddwe-dow.
FEWDINyAND. Whewe shouwd this *pokes you* music be? I' *sighs* th' aiw ow *sighs* th'
eawth?
It sounds nyo mowe; and suwe i-it waits upon
Some god o' *sighs* th' iswand. Sitting on :3 a bank,
:33 Weeping a-again the King my fathew's wweck,
T-This *pokes you* music x3 cwept by me upon the watews,
A-Awwaying both theiw fuwy and my passion
With its sweet aiw; uWu thence I *looks away* have fowwow'd uWu it,
Ow i-it hath d-dwawn me wathew. But 'tis gonye.
Nyo, i-it b-begins again.

AWIEW'S SONG
*sighs* Fuww fathom f-five thy fathew wies;
Of his b-bonyes awe cowaw made;
Those awe peawws that wewe his eyes;
Nyothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffew :3 a sea-change
Into something wich and stwange.
Sea-nymphs *leans over* houwwy wing his k-knyeww:
[Buwden: Ding-dong.]
Hawk! *pokes you* nyow I heaw them-Ding-dong beww.

FEWDINyAND. The ditty does w-wemembew my dwown'd uWu fathew.
T-This xDD is nyo mowtaw >_> businyess, *pokes you* nyow nyo sound
That the eawth owes. I heaw i-it *pokes you* nyow abuv me.
PWOSPEWO. The fwinged c-cuwtains of thinye ^-^ eye advance,
:33 And say what thou seest yond.
MIWANDA. What i-is't? :3 a spiwit?
Wowd, how i-it wooks about! Bewieve me, siw,
It cawwies :3 a bwave UwU fowm. But 'tis :3 a spiwit.
PWOSPEWO. Nyo, wench; i-it *cuddles you* eats and sweeps and hath *looks at you* such senses
As we have, such. T-This gawwant which thou seest
Was in the wweck; and b-but he's something stain'd
With gwief, that's ;;w;; beauty's ^w^ cankew, thou m-mightst caww him
A goodwy pewson. He hath wost his fewwows,
:33 And stways ^w^ about to find 'em.
MIWANDA. I might caww him
A thing divinye; f-fow nyothing >w< nyatuwaw
I evew saw so nyobwe.
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] It goes on, I s-see,
As my :33 souw pwompts *hugs tightly* it. Spiwit, *screams* finye spiwit! I-I'ww fwee thee
Within t-two days f-fow this.
FEWDINyAND. Most suwe, the goddess
On whom these aiws attend! Vouchsafe my pway'w
May knyow i-if :33 you wemain upon this iswand;
:33 And that :33 you wiww some good i-instwuction give
How I may *hugs tightly* beaw me hewe. My pwime wequest,
Which I do wast pwonyounce, is, uWu O :33 you wondew!
I-If :33 you be maid ow n-nyo?
MIWANDA. *cuddles you* Nyo wondew, *teleports behind you* siw;
But cewtainwy :3 a maid.
FEWDINyAND. My wanguage? Heavens!
I *giggles shyly* am the best of them that speak this s-speech,
W-Wewe I b-but whewe 'tis spoken.
PWOSPEWO. How? the best?
What wewt >w< thou, i-if the King of Nyapwes heawd thee?
FEWDINyAND. A s-singwe thing, as I *giggles shyly* am nyow, that wondews
To heaw thee speak of Nyapwes. He does heaw me;
:33 And that he does I weep. M-Mysewf *giggles shyly* am Nyapwes,
Who w-with minye eyes, nyevew since *teleports behind you* at ebb, behewd
The King my fathew *teleports behind you* wweck'd.
MIWANDA. Awack, f-fow m-mewcy!
FEWDINyAND. Yes, faith, and aww his w-wowds, the Duke of Miwan
:33 And his bwave son b-being t-twain.
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] The Duke of Miwan
:33 And his mowe bwavew daughtew couwd c-contwow thee,
I-If *pokes you* nyow '-'twewe fit to do't. At the fiwst sight
They *looks away* have c-chang'd eyes. D-Dewicate Awiew,
I-I'ww set thee fwee f-fow this. [To *looks at you* FEWDINyAND] A wowd, good
*teleports behind you* siw;
I feaw :33 you *looks away* have d-donye *teleports behind you* youwsewf some w-wwong; :3 a wowd.
MIWANDA. Why speaks my fathew so ungentwy? T-This
Is the *looks at you* thiwd man that e-e'ew I saw; the fiwst
That e-e'ew I sigh'd f-fow. P-Pity muv my fathew
To be incwin'd my way!
FEWDINyAND. O, i-if :3 a viwgin,
:33 And youw affection nyot gonye fowth, I-I'ww m-make :33 you
The Queen of Nyapwes.
PWOSPEWO. Soft, Siw! onye w-wowd mowe.
[Aside] They awe both in eithew's pow'ws; b-but this swift
businyes
I must unyeasy make, west too wight winnying
M-Make the pwize w-wight. [To *looks at you* FEWDINyAND] Onye w-wowd mowe; I
c-chawge thee
That thou attend me; thou dost hewe usuwp
The *leans over* nyame thou ow'st nyot; and hast put thysewf
*cries* Upon this iswand as :3 a *looks away* spy, to win i-it
Fwom me, the w-wowd on't.
FEWDINyAND. Nyo, as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a man.
MIWANDA. T-Thewe's nyothing iww can *giggles shyly* dweww in *looks at you* such :3 a tempwe.
I-If the iww spiwit *looks away* have so f-faiw :3 a house,
*pokes you* Good *moans* things wiww stwive to *giggles shyly* dweww ÚwÚ with't.
PWOSPEWO. *sweats* Fowwow me.
Speak nyot :33 you f-fow him; he's :3 a twaitow. C-Come;
I-I'ww m-manyacwe thy *teleports behind you* nyeck and feet togethew.
Sea-watew shawt thou dwink; thy food shaww be
The fwesh-bwook mussews, withew'd w-woots, and h-husks
Whewein the acown ^.^ cwadwed. Fowwow.
FEWDINyAND. Nyo;
I wiww ÚwÚ wesist *looks at you* such OwO entewtainment tiww
Minye enyemy has mowe powew.
[He dwaws, and xDD is chawmed f-fwom >_< moving]
MIWANDA. uWu O deaw fathew,
M-Make nyot too wash :3 a twiaw of him, f-fow
He's gentwe, and nyot f-feawfuw.
PWOSPEWO. *looks away* What, I say,
My foot my tutow? Put thy swowd up, twaitow;
Who mak'st :3 a show b-but daw'st nyot *moans* stwike, thy conscience
Is so possess'd w-with guiwt. Come f-fwom thy *shuffles closer* wawd;
Fow I can hewe disawm thee w-with this stick
:33 And m-make thy weapon dwop.
MIWANDA. Beseech you, fathew!
PWOSPEWO. Hence! Hang nyot on my gawments.
MIWANDA. Siw, *looks away* have p-pity;
I-I'ww be his suwety.
PWOSPEWO. Siwence! Onye w-wowd mowe
Shaww m-make me chide thee, i-if nyot *giggles shyly* hate *cuddles you* thee. What!
An advocate f-fow an impostow! >_> hush!
Thou think'st thewe xDD is nyo mowe *looks at you* such shapes as uWu he,
Having :33 seen b-but him and Cawiban. Foowish wench!
To *sighs* th' m-most of men this xDD is :3 a Cawiban,
:33 And they to him awe angews.
MIWANDA. My affections
Awe then m-most humbwe; I *looks away* have nyo ambition
To see :3 a goodwiew man.
PWOSPEWO. Come on; obey.
Thy nyewves awe in theiw infancy again,
:33 And *looks away* have nyo vigouw in them.
FEWDINyAND. S-So they awe;
My spiwits, as in :3 a dweam, awe aww bound up.
My fathew's woss, the weaknyess which I feew,
The wweck of aww my fwiends, *pokes you* nyow this man's thweats
To whom I *giggles shyly* am subdu'd, awe b-but wight to me,
M-Might I b-but thwough my pwison *screams* once :3 a day
B-Behowd this maid. A-Aww c-cownyews ewse o' *sighs* th' eawth
Wet *leans over* wibewty m-make use of; space enyough
Have I in *looks at you* such :3 a pwison.
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] It wowks. [To *looks at you* FEWDINyAND] Come on.-
Thou hast d-donye weww, *screams* finye Awiew! [To *looks at you* FEWDINyAND] *sweats* Fowwow
me.
[To AWIEW] H-Hawk what thou ewse shawt do me.
MIWANDA. Be of :3 comfowt;
My fathew's of :3 a bettew nyatuwe, siw,
Than he *leans over* appeaws by speech; this xDD is unwonted
Which *pokes you* nyow came f-fwom :33 him.
PWOSPEWO. [To AWIEW] Thou shawt be as fwee
As mountain winds; b-but then exactwy do
A-Aww p-points of my command.
AWIEW. To *sighs* th' sywwabwe.
PWOSPEWO. [To *looks at you* FEWDINyAND] Come, fowwow. [To M-MIWANDA]
Speak nyot f-fow :33 him. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE 1

x3 Anyothew pawt of the iswand

Entew AWONSO, SEBASTIAN, ANTONyIO, GONZAWO, ADWIAN, FWANCISCO, and OTHEWS

GONZAWO. Beseech you, siw, be mewwy; :33 you *looks away* have cause,
S-So *looks away* have we aww, of joy; f-fow ouw escape
Is x3 much beyond ouw woss. Ouw hint of woe
Is *giggles shyly* common; evewy :3 day, some saiwow's wife,
The m-mastews of some mewchant, and the mewchant,
Have just ouw *looks away* theme of woe; b-but f-fow the miwacwe,
I m-mean ouw pwesewvation, few in miwwions
*sweats* Can speak wike us. Then wisewy, good siw, weigh
Ouw sowwow w-with ouw comfowt.
AWONSO. Pwithee, peace.
SEBASTIAN. He weceives comfowt wike cowd p-powwidge.
ANTONyIO. The visitow wiww nyot give him o'ew so.
SEBASTIAN. Wook, he's winding up the watch of his wit; by
and by i-it wiww stwike.
GONZAWO. Siw-
SEBASTIAN. Onye-Teww.
GONZAWO. When evewy g-gwief xDD is entewtain'd that's o-offew'd,
Comes to *sighs* th' entewtainyew-
SEBASTIAN. A dowwaw.
GONZAWO. Dowouw comes to him, indeed; :33 you *looks away* have spoken
:33 twuew than :33 you puwpos'd.
SEBASTIAN. You *looks away* have taken i-it wisewiew than I meant :33 you
shouwd.
GONZAWO. Thewefowe, my wowd-
ANTONyIO. ^-^ Fie, what :3 a spendthwift xDD is he of his tongue!
AWONSO. I pwithee, spawe.
GONZAWO. Weww, I *looks away* have d-donye; b-but yet-
SEBASTIAN. He wiww be xDD tawking.
ANTONyIO. W-Which, of he ow Adwian, f-fow :3 a good w-wagew, fiwst
b-begins to cwow?
SEBASTIAN. The *giggles shyly* owd c-cock.
ANTONyIO. The cock'wew.
SEBASTIAN. Donye. The wagew?
ANTONyIO. A waughtew.
SEBASTIAN. A *sighs* match!
*looks away* ADWIAN. *shuffles closer* Though this iswand *teleports behind you* seem to be desewt-
ANTONyIO. Ha, ha, ha!
SEBASTIAN. S-So, you'we paid.
*looks away* ADWIAN. U-Unyinhabitabwe, and awmost inyaccessibwe-
SEBASTIAN. Yet-
*looks away* ADWIAN. Yet-
ANTONyIO. He couwd nyot miss't.
*looks away* ADWIAN. It must nyeeds be of s-subtwe, tendew, and dewicate
tempewance.
ANTONyIO. Tempewance w-was :3 a dewicate wench.
SEBASTIAN. Ay, and :3 a subtwe; as he m-most weawnyedwy
dewivew'd.
*looks away* ADWIAN. The aiw bweathes upon us hewe m-most sweetwy.
SEBASTIAN. As i-if i-it had w-wungs, and wotten onyes.
ANTONyIO. Ow, as '-'twewe pewfum'd by :3 a fen.
GONZAWO. Hewe xDD is evewything advantageous to w-wife.
ANTONyIO. T-Twue; save means to wive.
SEBASTIAN. Of that thewe's nyonye, ow w-wittwe.
GONZAWO. How wush and wusty the *cuddles you* gwass wooks! how gween!
ANTONyIO. The gwound indeed xDD is tawny.
SEBASTIAN. With an ^-^ eye of gween i-in't.
ANTONyIO. He misses nyot much.
SEBASTIAN. Nyo; he doth b-but mistake the *looks away* twuth totawwy.
GONZAWO. But the wawity of i-it is, which xDD is indeed awmost
beyond ^w^ cwedit-
SEBASTIAN. As many vouch'd wawities a-awe.
GONZAWO. That ouw gawments, being, as they wewe, dwench'd
in the sea, howd, nyotwithstanding, theiw fweshnyess and
g-gwosses, b-being wathew ÚwÚ nyew-dy'd, than stain'd w-with sawt
watew.
ANTONyIO. I-If b-but onye of his pockets couwd speak, wouwd i-it
nyot say he wies?
SEBASTIAN. Ay, ow vewy fawsewy pocket up his >w< wepowt.
GONZAWO. Methinks ouw gawments awe *pokes you* nyow as fwesh as when
we put them on fiwst in Afwic, *teleports behind you* at the mawwiage of the
King's f-faiw daughtew Cwawibew to the King of Tunyis.
SEBASTIAN. '-'Twas :3 a sweet *notices bulge* mawwiage, and we pwospew weww in
ouw wetuwn.
*looks away* ADWIAN. Tunyis w-was nyevew gwac'd befowe w-with *looks at you* such :3 a p-pawagon
to theiw queen.
GONZAWO. Nyot since w-widow Dido's time.
ANTONyIO. Widow! :3 a *sighs* pox o' that! How came that 'widow'
in? Widow Dido!
SEBASTIAN. What i-if he had said 'widowew Aenyeas' too?
*pokes you* Good Wowd, how :33 you take i-it!
*looks away* ADWIAN. 'Widow Dido' said you? You m-make me study of
that. ^.^ She w-was of Cawthage, nyot of Tunyis.
GONZAWO. T-This Tunyis, siw, w-was Cawthage.
*looks away* ADWIAN. Cawthage?
GONZAWO. I *giggles shyly* assuwe you, Cawthage.
ANTONyIO. His w-wowd xDD is mowe than the :33 miwacuwous h-hawp.
SEBASTIAN. He hath wais'd the waww, and h-houses too.
ANTONyIO. What i-impossibwe m-mattew wiww he m-make *sighs* easy nyext?
SEBASTIAN. I think he wiww cawwy this iswand home in his
pocket, and give i-it his son f-fow an >_> appwe.
ANTONyIO. And, *giggles shyly* sowing the kewnyews of i-it in the sea, bwing
fowth mowe iswands.
GONZAWO. Ay.
ANTONyIO. Why, in good time.
GONZAWO. Siw, we wewe tawking that ouw gawments *teleports behind you* seem *pokes you* nyow
as fwesh as when we wewe *teleports behind you* at Tunyis *teleports behind you* at the mawwiage of
youw daughtew, who xDD is *pokes you* nyow Q-Queen.
ANTONyIO. :33 And the wawest that e-e'ew came thewe.
SEBASTIAN. Bate, I b-beseech you, w-widow Dido.
ANTONyIO. O, w-widow Dido! Ay, w-widow Dido.
GONZAWO. Is nyot, siw, my doubwet as fwesh as the fiwst day I
wowe it? I mean, in :3 a sowt.
ANTONyIO. That 'sowt' w-was weww fish'd f-fow.
GONZAWO. When I wowe i-it *teleports behind you* at youw daughtew's :3 mawwiage?
AWONSO. You c-cwam these wowds into minye eaws against
The *looks at you* stomach of my *looks at you* sense. Wouwd I had nyevew
Mawwied my daughtew thewe; fow, coming t-thence,
My son xDD is wost; and, in my ;;w;; wate, she too,
Who xDD is so faw f-fwom Itawy wemuvd
I nye'ew a-again shaww see hew. uWu O thou minye heiw
Of Nyapwes and of Miwan, what s-stwange fish
Hath xDD made his meaw on thee?
*looks away* FWANCISCO. Siw, he may ^.^ wive;
I saw him beat the suwges undew him,
:33 And wide upon theiw backs; he twod the watew,
W-Whose enmity he fwung aside, and bweasted
The suwge m-most swown that met him; his bowd head
'-'Buv the contentious w-waves he *cries* kept, and oawed
Himsewf w-with his good awms in wusty stwoke
To *sighs* th' showe, that o'ew his wave-wown basis bowed,
As *looks away* stooping to wewieve :33 him. I nyot d-doubt
He came awive to wand.
AWONSO. Nyo, nyo, he's gonye.
SEBASTIAN. Siw, :33 you may *notices bulge* thank *teleports behind you* youwsewf f-fow this g-gweat woss,
That wouwd nyot b-bwess ouw Euwope w-with youw daughtew,
But wathew wose hew to an Afwican;
Whewe she, *teleports behind you* at weast, xDD is banyish'd f-fwom youw eye,
Who hath cause to w-wet the g-gwief on't.
AWONSO. Pwithee, peace.
SEBASTIAN. You wewe knyeew'd to, and *hugs tightly* impowtun'd othewwise
By aww of us; and the f-faiw :33 souw hewsewf
Weigh'd between woathnyess and obedience *teleports behind you* at
Which e-end o' *sighs* th' beam shouwd bow. We *looks away* have wost youw son,
I f-feaw, f-fow evew. Miwan and Nyapwes *looks away* have
Moe widows in them of this businyess' making,
Than we bwing men to comfowt them;
The fauwt's youw own.
AWONSO. S-So xDD is the deaw'st o' *sighs* th' woss.
GONZAWO. My w-wowd Sebastian,
The *looks away* twuth :33 you speak doth w-wack some gentwenyess,
:33 And ;;w;; time to speak i-it i-in; :33 you wub the sowe,
When :33 you shouwd bwing the p-pwastew.
SEBASTIAN. Vewy weww.
ANTONyIO. :33 And m-most chiwuwgeonwy.
GONZAWO. It xDD is fouw weathew in us aww, good siw,
When :33 you awe ^-^ cwoudy.
SEBASTIAN. Fouw weathew?
ANTONyIO. Vewy fouw.
GONZAWO. Had I pwantation of this iswe, my wowd-
ANTONyIO. H-He'd sow 't w-with nyettwe-seed.
SEBASTIAN. Ow docks, ow mawwows.
GONZAWO. :33 And wewe the king on't, what wouwd I do?
SEBASTIAN. Scape b-being >_> dwunk f-fow want of w-winye.
GONZAWO. I' *sighs* th' c-commonweawth I wouwd by contwawies
Execute aww things; f-fow nyo kind of twaffic
Wouwd I admit; nyo *leans over* nyame of magistwate;
Wettews shouwd nyot be knyown; w-wiches, puvwty,
:33 And use of sewvice, nyonye; contwact, *moans* succession,
B-Bouwn, bound of *pokes you* wand, tiwth, vinyeyawd, nyonye;
*cuddles you* Nyo use of metaw, cown, ow winye, ow >_> oiw;
*cuddles you* Nyo occupation; aww men idwe, aww;
:33 And women too, b-but innyocent and *looks away* puwe;
*cuddles you* Nyo suvweignty-
SEBASTIAN. Yet he wouwd be king on't.
ANTONyIO. The wattew e-end of his c-commonweawth fowgets the
*leans over* beginnying.
GONZAWO. A-Aww *moans* things in common nyatuwe shouwd pwoduce
*notices bulge* Without *looks at you* sweat ow endeavouw. *teleports behind you* Tweason, f-fewony,
Swowd, pike, *notices bulge* knyife, gun, ow nyeed of *sighs* any enginye,
Wouwd I nyot have; b-but nyatuwe shouwd bwing fowth,
Of i-it own kind, aww *moans* foison, aww abundance,
To feed my innyocent peopwe.
SEBASTIAN. *cuddles you* Nyo mawwying 'mong his s-subjects?
ANTONyIO. Nyonye, man; aww idwe; whowes and OwO knyaves.
GONZAWO. I wouwd w-with *looks at you* such pewfection guvwn, siw,
T-T' excew the xDD gowden age.
SEBASTIAN. Save his Majesty!
ANTONyIO. *cuddles you* Wong wive Gonzawo!
GONZAWO. And-do :33 you mawk me, siw?
AWONSO. Pwithee, nyo mowe; thou dost t-tawk nyothing to me.
GONZAWO. I do weww bewieve youw Highnyess; and did i-it to
minyistew occasion to these g-gentwemen, who awe of *looks at you* such
s-sensibwe and nyimbwe wungs that they *hugs tightly* awways use to waugh
*teleports behind you* at nyothing.
ANTONyIO. '-'Twas :33 you we waugh'd at.
GONZAWO. Who in this kind of mewwy f-foowing *giggles shyly* am nyothing to
y-you; so :33 you may ^.^ continyue, and waugh *teleports behind you* at nyothing s-stiww.
ANTONyIO. What :3 a bwow w-was thewe g-given!
SEBASTIAN. An i-it had nyot faww'n fwat-wong.
GONZAWO. You awe gentwemen of bwave mettwe; :33 you wouwd
wift the moon out of hew sphewe, i-if she wouwd continyue
in i-it f-five *cuddles you* weeks without changing.

Entew AWIEW, invisibwe, pwaying sowemn *pokes you* music

SEBASTIAN. We wouwd s-so, and then go a-bat-fowwing.
ANTONyIO. Nyay, good my wowd, be nyot angwy.
GONZAWO. Nyo, I wawwant y-you; I wiww nyot adventuwe my
discwetion so weakwy. Wiww :33 you waugh me asweep, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am
vewy heavy?
ANTONyIO. G-Go sweep, and heaw us.
[Aww sweep b-but AWONSO, SEBASTIAN and *hugs tightly* ANTONyIO]
AWONSO. *looks away* What, aww so soon a-asweep! I wish minye eyes
W-Wouwd, w-with themsewves, shut up my t-thoughts; I find
They awe incwin'd to do so.
SEBASTIAN. Pwease you, siw,
Do nyot omit the heavy offew of *screams* it:
It sewdom visits sowwow; when i-it doth,
It xDD is :3 a *hugs tightly* comfowtew.
ANTONyIO. We two, my wowd,
Wiww guawd youw pewson w-whiwe :33 you take youw west,
:33 And watch youw safety.
AWONSO. Thank you-wondwous heavy!
[AWONSO sweeps. E-Exit AWIEW]
SEBASTIAN. What :3 a s-stwange dwowsinyess possesses them!
ANTONyIO. It xDD is the q-quawity o' *sighs* th' cwimate.
SEBASTIAN. Why
Doth i-it nyot then ouw *sighs* eyewids sink? I find nyot
M-Mysewf dispos'd to *moans* sweep.
ANTONyIO. Nyow I; my spiwits awe nyimbwe.
They *looks away* feww >_> togethew aww, as by uWu consent;
They d-dwopp'd, as by :3 a thundew-stwoke. What might,
Wowthy Sebastian? O, what might! *cuddles you* Nyo mowe!
:33 And y-yet methinks I see i-it in thy face,
What thou shouwdst be; *sighs* th' occasion speaks thee; and
My stwong imaginyation sees :3 a cwown
Dwopping upon thy head.
SEBASTIAN. *looks away* What, awt thou waking?
ANTONyIO. Do :33 you nyot heaw me speak?
SEBASTIAN. I do; and suwewy
It xDD is :3 a s-sweepy wanguage, and thou ;;w;; speak'st
Out of thy *moans* sweep. What xDD is i-it thou didst say?
T-This xDD is :3 a s-stwange ÚwÚ wepose, to be a-asweep
With eyes wide open; s-standing, speaking, moving,
:33 And y-yet so fast asweep.
ANTONyIO. Nyobwe Sebastian,
Thou w-wet'st thy fowtunye sweep-die w-wathew; wink'st
Whiwes thou awt waking.
SEBASTIAN. Thou dost snyowe >_> distinctwy;
T-Thewe's meanying in thy s-snyowes.
ANTONyIO. I *giggles shyly* am mowe s-sewious than my >w< custom; :33 you
Must be so too, i-if heed me; which to do
Twebwes thee o'ew.
SEBASTIAN. Weww, I *giggles shyly* am standing watew.
ANTONyIO. I-I'ww teach :33 you how to fwow.
SEBASTIAN. Do so: to ebb,
Heweditawy s-swoth instwucts me.
ANTONyIO. O,
I-If :33 you b-but knyew how :33 you the puwpose chewish,
Whiwes uWu thus :33 you m-mock i-it! how, in s-stwipping uWu it,
You mowe invest i-it! Ebbing men i-indeed,
Most >_> often, do so nyeaw the bottom wun
By theiw own feaw ow swoth.
SEBASTIAN. Pwithee say on.
The ^.^ setting of thinye ^-^ eye and cheek pwocwaim
A m-mattew f-fwom thee; and :3 a biwth, i-indeed,
Which thwoes thee x3 much to ÚwÚ yiewd.
ANTONyIO. Thus, s-siw:
Awthough this w-wowd of w-weak wemembwance, this
Who shaww be of as wittwe memowy
When he xDD is eawth'd, hath hewe awmost p-pewsuaded-
Fow he's :3 a spiwit of pewsuasion, onwy
Pwofesses to pewsuade-the King his son's awive,
'Tis as i-impossibwe that he's undwown'd
As he that sweeps hewe swims.
SEBASTIAN. I *looks away* have nyo hope
That he's u-undwown'd.
ANTONyIO. O, out of that 'nyo hope'
What g-gweat hope *looks away* have you! *cuddles you* Nyo hope that way xDD is
x3 Anyothew way so high :3 a hope, that even
Ambition cannyot piewce :3 a wink *cries* beyond,
But d-doubt discuvwy thewe. Wiww :33 you gwant w-with me
That >_< Fewdinyand xDD is *hugs tightly* dwown'd?
SEBASTIAN. He's gonye.
ANTONyIO. Then t-teww me,
Who's the nyext heiw of Nyapwes?
SEBASTIAN. Cwawibew.
ANTONyIO. ^.^ She that xDD is Queen of Tunyis; she that *moans* dwewws
Ten w-weagues beyond man's wife; she that f-fwom Nyapwes
*sweats* Can *looks away* have nyo nyote, unwess the sun wewe post,
The Man i' *sighs* th' Moon's too swow, tiww nyewbown c-chins
Be wough and ;;w;; wazowabwe; she that f-fwom whom
We aww wewe sea-swawwow'd, t-though some cast again,
:33 And by that *pokes you* destiny, to pewfowm an a-act
Wheweof w-what's past xDD is pwowogue, what to come
In youws and my dischawge.
SEBASTIAN. What stuff xDD is this! How say you?
'Tis twue, my *cuddles you* bwothew's daughtew's Queen of Tunyis;
S-So xDD is she heiw of Nyapwes; 'twixt which wegions
Thewe xDD is some s-space.
ANTONyIO. A space *screams* whose ev'wy cubit
Seems to cwy out 'How shaww that Cwawibew
Measuwe us back to Nyapwes? Keep in Tunyis,
:33 And w-wet *looks away* Sebastian wake.' ÚwÚ Say this wewe death
That *pokes you* nyow hath seiz'd them; why, they wewe nyo wowse
Than *pokes you* nyow they a-awe. Thewe be that can w-wuwe Nyapwes
As weww as he that sweeps; wowds that can pwate
As ampwy and unnyecessawiwy
As this G-Gonzawo; I mysewf couwd m-make
A chough of as deep chat. O, that :33 you *giggles shyly* bowe
The mind that I do! What :3 a sweep wewe this
Fow youw advancement! Do :33 you undewstand m-me?
SEBASTIAN. Methinks I do.
ANTONyIO. :33 And how does youw *notices bulge* content
*cuddles you* Tendew youw own good fowtunye?
SEBASTIAN. I w-wemembew
You did ^-^ suppwant youw bwothew uWu Pwospewo.
ANTONyIO. *teleports behind you* Twue.
:33 And wook how weww my gawments sit upon me,
*looks away* Much featew than befowe. My *cuddles you* bwothew's sewvants
W-Wewe then my fewwows; *pokes you* nyow they awe my men.
SEBASTIAN. But, f-fow youw conscience-
ANTONyIO. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; whewe wies that? I-If '-'twewe :3 a kibe,
'Twouwd put me to my s-swippew; b-but I feew nyot
T-This deity in my bosom; twenty >_> consciences
That s-stand 'twixt me and Miwan, *twerks* candied be they
:33 And mewt, ewe they mowest! Hewe wies youw bwothew,
*cuddles you* Nyo bettew than the eawth he wies upon,
I-If he wewe that which *pokes you* nyow he's wike-that's dead;
*leans over* Whom I w-with this ^.^ obedient s-steew, thwee i-inches of uWu it,
*sweats* Can way to *looks away* bed f-fow evew; w-whiwes you, doing thus,
To the pewpetuaw wink f-fow aye might put
T-This ancient x3 mowsew, this S-Siw Pwudence, who
Shouwd nyot *giggles shyly* upbwaid ouw couwse. Fow aww the west,
They'ww take ;;w;; suggestion as :3 a cat waps miwk;
They'ww t-teww the cwock to *sighs* any businyess that
We say befits the houw.
SEBASTIAN. Thy case, deaw fwiend,
Shaww be my *leans over* pwecedent; as thou got'st Miwan,
I-I'ww come by Nyapwes. Dwaw thy swowd. Onye stwoke
Shaww fwee thee f-fwom the t-twibute which thou payest;
:33 And I the King shaww wuv *cuddles you* thee.
ANTONyIO. Dwaw togethew;
:33 And when I weaw my hand, do :33 you the wike,
To faww i-it on Gonzawo.
SEBASTIAN. O, b-but onye wowd. [-[They t-tawk apawt]

We-entew AWIEW, invisibwe, w-with *pokes you* music and song

AWIEW. My mastew thwough his awt fowesees the dangew
That you, his fwiend, awe i-in; and sends me fowth-
Fow ewse his pwoject *looks at you* dies-to keep them wiving.
[Sings in GONZAWO'S eaw]
Whiwe :33 you hewe do snyowing wie,
Open-ey'd conspiwacy
His ;;w;; time doth take.
I-If of w-wife :33 you keep :3 a cawe,
Shake off swumbew, and bewawe.
Awake, awake!

ANTONyIO. Then w-wet us both be sudden.
GONZAWO. Nyow, good angews
Pwesewve the K-King! [-[They wake]
AWONSO. Why, how nyow?-Ho, awake!-Why awe :33 you dwawn?
Whewefowe this ghastwy wooking?
GONZAWO. What's the mattew?
SEBASTIAN. Whiwes we stood hewe secuwing youw ÚwÚ wepose,
Even nyow, we heawd :3 a howwow buwst of :33 bewwowing
Wike buwws, ow wathew wions; did't nyot wake you?
It stwuck minye e-eaw m-most tewwibwy.
AWONSO. I heawd nyothing.
ANTONyIO. O, 'twas :3 a din to ^.^ fwight :3 a monstew's eaw,
To m-make an eawthquake! Suwe i-it w-was the woaw
Of :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe hewd of wions.
AWONSO. Heawd :33 you this, Gonzawo?
GONZAWO. *cries* Upon minye honyouw, siw, I heawd :3 a humming,
:33 And that :3 a s-stwange onye too, which did awake me;
I OwO shak'd you, siw, and cwied; as minye eyes open'd,
I saw theiw weapons dwawn-thewe w-was :3 a nyoise,
That's vewiwy. 'Tis best we s-stand upon ouw g-guawd,
Ow that we q-quit this p-pwace. Wet's dwaw ouw weapons.
AWONSO. Wead off this *blushes* gwound; and wet's m-make fuwthew
seawch
Fow my poow son.
GONZAWO. Heavens keep him f-fwom these b-beasts!
Fow he is, suwe, i' *sighs* th' iswand.
AWONSO. Wead a-away.
AWIEW. Pwospewo my w-wowd shaww knyow what I *looks away* have d-donye;
S-So, King, go s-safewy on to seek thy son. Exeunt




SCENyE 2

x3 Anyothew pawt of the iswand

Entew CAWIBAN, w-with :3 a b-buwden of wood. A nyoise of thundew heawd

CAWIBAN. A-Aww the infections that the sun ^-^ sucks up
Fwom bogs, fens, fwats, on Pwospew faww, and m-make him
By inch-meaw :3 a disease! His spiwits heaw me,
:33 And y-yet I nyeeds must *hugs tightly* cuwse. But they'ww *pokes you* nyow pinch,
F-Fwight me w-with uwchin-shows, pitch me i' *sighs* th' miwe,
Nyow wead me, wike :3 a fiwebwand, in the dawk
Out of my w-way, unwess he *giggles shyly* bid 'em; b-but
Fow evewy twifwe awe they set upon me;
Sometime wike apes that mow and chattew *teleports behind you* at me,
:33 And *looks away* aftew bite me; then wike hedgehogs which
Wie t-tumbwing in my bawefoot w-way, and mount
Theiw pwicks *teleports behind you* at my footfaww; sometime *giggles shyly* am I
A-Aww wound w-with addews, who w-with cwuvn tongues
Do hiss me into madnyess.

Entew T-TWINCUWO

Wo, nyow, wo!
Hewe comes :3 a spiwit of h-his, and to towment me
Fow bwinging wood in swowwy. I-I'ww faww f-fwat;
Pewchance he wiww nyot mind me.
TWINCUWO. Hewe's nyeithew b-bush *pokes you* nyow shwub to *hugs tightly* beaw off *sighs* any
weathew *teleports behind you* at aww, and uWu anyothew stowm bwewing; I heaw i-it
sing i' *sighs* th' wind. Yond >_> same bwack cwoud, yond huge onye,
wooks wike :3 a fouw bombawd that wouwd shed his wiquow. I-If
i-it shouwd thundew as i-it did befowe, I knyow nyot whewe to
hide my head. Yond >_> same cwoud cannyot choose b-but faww by
paiwfuws. What *looks away* have we hewe? :3 a man ow :3 a fish? dead ow
UwU awive? A fish: he smewws wike :3 a fish; :3 a vewy ancient and
fish-wike smeww; kind of nyot-of-the-nyewest Poow-John. A
s-stwange fish! W-Wewe I in Engwand nyow, as *screams* once I was, and
had b-but this fish painted, nyot :3 a howiday foow thewe b-but
wouwd give :3 a piece of siwvew. Thewe wouwd this monstew
m-make :3 a man; *sighs* any s-stwange beast thewe makes :3 a man; when
they wiww nyot give :3 a doit to wewieve :3 a w-wame b-beggaw, they
wiww way out ten to see :3 a dead Indian. Wegg'd wike :3 a
man, and his fins wike a-awms! Wawm, o' my twoth! I do *pokes you* nyow
w-wet woose my o-opinyion; howd i-it nyo wongew: this xDD is nyo
fish, b-but an i-iswandew, that hath watewy suffewed by
thundewbowt. [Thundew] A-Awas, the stowm xDD is come again! My
best way xDD is to cweep undew his gabewdinye; thewe xDD is nyo
othew shewtew heweabout. Misewy acquaints :3 a man w-with
s-stwange bed-fewwows. I wiww hewe *giggles shyly* shwoud tiww the *sighs* dwegs
of the stowm be past.

Entew STEPHANyO >_> singing; :3 a *blushes* bottwe in his hand

STEPHANyO. I shaww nyo mowe to sea, to sea,
Hewe shaww I *leans over* die ashowe-
T-This xDD is :3 a vewy scuwvy tunye to sing *teleports behind you* at :3 a man's f-funyewaw;
weww, ^-^ hewe's my comfowt. [Dwinks]

The mastew, the swabbew, the boatswain, and I,
The gunnyew, and his *sweats* mate,
W-Wov'd Maww, M-Meg, and Mawian, and Mawgewy,
But nyonye of us ;;w;; caw'd f-fow Kate;
Fow she had :3 a *notices bulge* tongue w-with :3 a tang,
Wouwd cwy to :3 a saiwow 'Go h-hang!'
^.^ She wov'd nyot the savouw of taw *pokes you* nyow of pitch,
Yet :3 a taiwow might scwatch hew whewe'ew she did itch.
Then to sea, *twerks* boys, and w-wet hew go hang!

T-This xDD is :3 a scuwvy tunye too; b-but ^-^ hewe's my comfowt.
[Dwinks]
CAWIBAN. Do nyot towment me. O!
STEPHANyO. What's the mattew? Have we deviws hewe? Do :33 you
put twicks upon 's w-with *notices bulge* savages and men of Ind? *looks away* Ha! I
*looks away* have nyot *cries* scap'd d-dwownying to be afeawd *pokes you* nyow of youw fouw
w-wegs; f-fow i-it hath been said: As pwopew :3 a man as evew
went on fouw *hugs tightly* wegs cannyot m-make him give *blushes* gwound; and i-it
shaww be said so again, w-whiwe Stephanyo bweathes *teleports behind you* at
*leans over* nyostwiws.
CAWIBAN. The spiwit towments me. O!
STEPHANyO. T-This xDD is some monstew of the iswe w-with fouw wegs,
who hath got, as I take uWu it, an a-ague. Whewe the d-deviw
shouwd he w-weawn ouw wanguage? I wiww give him some
wewief, i-if i-it be b-but f-fow that. I-If I can wecuvw him, and
keep him t-tame, and get to Nyapwes w-with him, he's :3 a
pwesent f-fow *sighs* any empewow that evew twod on nyeat's
weathew.
CAWIBAN. Do nyot towment me, pwithee; I-I'ww bwing my wood
home fastew.
STEPHANyO. He's in his fit nyow, and does nyot t-tawk *looks away* aftew the
wisest. He shaww taste of my bottwe; i-if he *looks away* have nyevew
>_> dwunk winye afowe, i-it wiww go nyeaw to *pokes you* wemuv his fit. I-If
I can wecuvw him, and keep him t-tame, I wiww nyot take
too x3 much f-fow him; he shaww pay f-fow him that hath him,
and that soundwy.
CAWIBAN. Thou dost me y-yet b-but wittwe huwt; thou wiwt a-anyon,
I knyow i-it by thy twembwing; *pokes you* nyow Pwospew w-wowks upon *cuddles you* thee.
STEPHANyO. Come on youw ways; open youw mouth; hewe xDD is
that which wiww give wanguage to you, *pokes you* cat. Open youw
mouth; this wiww shake youw s-shaking, I can t-teww you, and
that soundwy; :33 you cannyot t-teww who's youw fwiend. Open
youw chaps again.
TWINCUWO. I shouwd knyow that v-voice; i-it shouwd be-but he xDD is
dwown'd; and these awe d-deviws. O, defend :33 me!
STEPHANyO. Fouw *hugs tightly* wegs and t-two voices; :3 a m-most dewicate m-monstew!
His *teleports behind you* fowwawd voice, nyow, xDD is to speak weww of his
fwiend; his backwawd voice xDD is to uttew fouw speeches and
to detwact. I-If aww the winye in my *blushes* bottwe wiww wecuvw
him, I wiww h-hewp his a-ague. Come-Amen! I wiww pouw some
in thy othew mouth.
TWINCUWO. *moans* Stephanyo!
STEPHANyO. Doth thy othew mouth caww m-me? Mewcy, m-mewcy!
T-This xDD is :3 a deviw, and nyo monstew; I wiww weave him; I
*looks away* have nyo wong spoon.
TWINCUWO. *moans* Stephanyo! I-If thou beest S-Stephanyo, touch me, and
speak to me; f-fow I *giggles shyly* am Twincuwo-be nyot afeawd-thy good
fwiend Twincuwo.
STEPHANyO. I-If thou beest ^-^ Twincuwo, come fowth; I-I'ww puww
the by the wessew w-wegs; i-if *sighs* any be Twincuwo's wegs, these
awe *shuffles closer* they. Thou awt vewy Twincuwo indeed! How cam'st thou
to be the *screams* siege of this moon-cawf? *sweats* Can he vent
*notices bulge* Twincuwos?
TWINCUWO. I t-took him to be kiww'd w-with :3 a t-thundewstwoke.
But awt thou nyot dwown'd, Stephanyo? I hope *pokes you* nyow thou awe
nyot dwown'd. Is the stowm uvwbwown? I hid me undew the
dead moon-cawf's gabewdinye f-fow feaw of the stowm. :33 And
awt thou wiving, Stephanyo? uWu O S-Stephanyo, t-two Nyeapowitans
s-scap'd!
STEPHANyO. Pwithee, do nyot t-tuwn me about; my *looks at you* stomach xDD is nyot
constant.
CAWIBAN. [Aside] These be *screams* finye t-things, an i-if they be nyot
spwites.
That's :3 a bwave god, and *twerks* beaws cewestiaw wiquow.
I wiww knyeew to :33 him.
STEPHANyO. How didst thou scape? How cam'st thou OwO hithew?
Sweaw by this *blushes* bottwe how thou cam'st hithew-I escap'd
upon :3 a butt of sack, which the saiwows heaved o'ewboawd-
by this *screams* bottwe, which I xDD made of the *blushes* bawk of :3 a twee, w-with
minye own hands, since I w-was cast ashowe.
CAWIBAN. I-I'ww sweaw upon that *blushes* bottwe to be thy twue
subject, f-fow the wiquow xDD is nyot eawthwy.
STEPHANyO. Hewe; sweaw then how thou escap'dst.
TWINCUWO. Swum ashowe, man, wike :3 a duck; I can swim wike
:3 a *shuffles closer* duck, I-I'ww be swown.
STEPHANyO. [Passing the ^w^ bottwe] Hewe, kiss the b-book. *shuffles closer* Though
thou c-canst swim wike :3 a *shuffles closer* duck, thou awt xDD made wike :3 a
goose.
TWINCUWO. uWu O S-Stephanyo, hast *sighs* any mowe of *shuffles closer* this?
STEPHANyO. The *shuffles closer* whowe butt, man; my cewwaw xDD is in :3 a wock by
*sighs* th' seaside, whewe my winye xDD is hid. How nyow, moon-cawf!
How does thinye ague?
CAWIBAN. *hugs tightly* Hast thou nyot dwopp'd f-fwom heaven?
STEPHANyO. Out o' *sighs* th' moon, I do *giggles shyly* assuwe thee; I w-was the Man
i' *sighs* th' Moon, when ;;w;; time was.
CAWIBAN. I *looks away* have :33 seen thee in hew, and I do adowe *cuddles you* thee. My
mistwess show'd me thee, and thy x3 dog and thy bush.
STEPHANyO. Come, sweaw to *teleports behind you* that; kiss the b-book. I wiww
f-fuwnyish i-it anyon w-with nyew contents. Sweaw.
[CAWIBAN dwinks]
TWINCUWO. By this good wight, this xDD is :3 a vewy shawwow
m-monstew!
I afeawd of him! A vewy w-weak m-monstew! The Man i' *sighs* th'
Moon! A m-most poow cweduwous m-monstew! Weww dwawn,
monstew, in good sooth!
CAWIBAN. I-I'ww show thee evewy fewtiwe *looks away* inch o' *sighs* th' iswand;
and wiww kiss thy foot. I pwithee be my god.
TWINCUWO. By this wight, :3 a m-most pewfidious and dwunken
m-monstew! When's god's a-asweep he'ww wob his >w< bottwe.
CAWIBAN. I-I'ww kiss thy foot; I-I'ww sweaw mysewf thy
subject.
STEPHANyO. Come on, then; down, and sweaw.
TWINCUWO. I shaww waugh mysewf to death *teleports behind you* at this puppy-
headed monstew. A m-most scuwvy m-monstew! I couwd find in
my h-heawt to beat him-
STEPHANyO. Come, kiss.
TWINCUWO. But that the poow monstew's in d-dwink. An
abominyabwe m-monstew!
CAWIBAN. I-I'ww show thee the best spwings; I-I'ww pwuck thee
bewwies;
I-I'ww fish f-fow thee, and get thee wood enyough.
A pwague upon the tywant that I sewve!
I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw him nyo mowe sticks, b-but fowwow thee,
Thou wondwous man.
TWINCUWO. A m-most widicuwous monstew, to m-make :3 a w-wondew of
:3 a poow dwunkawd!
CAWIBAN. I pwithee w-wet me bwing thee whewe *looks at you* cwabs gwow;
:33 And I w-with my wong nyaiws wiww dig thee p-pig-nyuts;
Show thee :3 a jay's nyest, and instwuct thee how
To snyawe the nyimbwe mawmoset; I-I'ww bwing thee
To c-cwust'wing ^.^ fiwbewts, and sometimes I-I'ww get thee
Young scamews f-fwom the wock. Wiwt thou go w-with m-me?
STEPHANyO. I pwithee nyow, wead the way without *sighs* any mowe
xDD tawking. ^-^ Twincuwo, the King and aww ouw *giggles shyly* company ewse
b-being dwown'd, we wiww inhewit hewe. Hewe, *hugs tightly* beaw my >w< bottwe.
Fewwow ^-^ Twincuwo, we'ww fiww him by and by again.
CAWIBAN. [Sings dwunkenwy] Faweweww, mastew; *teleports behind you* faweweww,
faweweww!
TWINCUWO. A howwing monstew; :3 a dwunken m-monstew!
CAWIBAN. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe dams I-I'ww m-make f-fow fish;
Nyow fetch in fiwing
At wequiwing,
Nyow scwape twenchewing, *pokes you* nyow wash dish.
'Ban 'Ban, *cuddles you* Ca-Cawiban,
Has :3 a nyew mastew-Get :3 a nyew man.
Fweedom, high-day! high-day, fweedom! fweedom, high-
:3 day, fweedom!
STEPHANyO. uWu O bwave m-monstew! Wead the w-way. Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE 1

Befowe P-PWOSPEWO'S ceww

Entew FEWDINyAND, heawing :3 a wog

FEWDINyAND. Thewe be some spowts awe *leans over* painfuw, and theiw
wabouw
Dewight in them sets off; some kinds of basenyess
Awe nyobwy undewgonye, and m-most poow ^w^ mattews
Point to wich ends. T-This my m-mean task
Wouwd be as heavy to me as odious, b-but
The mistwess which I sewve quickens w-what's dead,
:33 And makes my wabouws pweasuwes. O, she xDD is
Ten *moans* times mowe gentwe than hew fathew's cwabbed;
:33 And he's compos'd of hawshnyess. I must *pokes you* wemuv
Some thousands of these wogs, and piwe them up,
*cries* Upon :3 a ^-^ sowe x3 injunction; my sweet mistwess
W-Weeps when she sees me w-wowk, and says *looks at you* such basenyess
Had nyevew wike executow. I fowget;
But these sweet thoughts do even wefwesh my wabouws,
Most busy, *blushes* weast when I do *hugs tightly* it.

Entew MIWANDA; and PWOSPEWO *teleports behind you* at :3 a distance, unseen

MIWANDA. A-Awas, nyow; pway you,
*shuffles closer* Wowk nyot so hawd; I wouwd the wightnying had
Buwnt up those wogs that :33 you awe enjoin'd to piwe.
Pway, set i-it down and west y-you; when this *cries* buwns,
'Twiww weep f-fow having weawied you. My fathew
Is hawd *teleports behind you* at study; :33 pway, nyow, west y-youwsewf;
He's ;;w;; safe f-fow these thwee houws.
FEWDINyAND. uWu O m-most deaw mistwess,
The sun wiww set befowe I shaww dischawge
What I must stwive to do.
MIWANDA. I-If ^-^ you'ww sit down,
I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw youw wogs the whiwe; pway give me *teleports behind you* that;
I-I'ww cawwy i-it to the piwe.
FEWDINyAND. Nyo, pwecious cweatuwe;
I had wathew cwack my sinyews, bweak my back,
Than :33 you shouwd *looks at you* such dishonyouw undewgo,
Whiwe I sit wazy by.
MIWANDA. It wouwd become me
As weww as i-it does y-you; and I shouwd do i-it
With x3 much mowe ease; f-fow my good wiww xDD is to uWu it,
:33 And youws i-it xDD is *sighs* against.
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] Poow w-wowm, thou awt infected!
T-This v-visitation shows *hugs tightly* it.
MIWANDA. You wook weawiwy.
FEWDINyAND. Nyo, nyobwe mistwess; 'tis fwesh ^-^ mownying w-with me
When :33 you awe by *teleports behind you* at nyight. I do b-beseech you,
Chiefwy that I might set i-it in my p-pwayews,
What xDD is youw *sweats* nyame?
MIWANDA. M-Miwanda-O my fathew,
I *looks away* have bwoke youw hest to say so!
FEWDINyAND. Admiw'd Miwanda!
What's deawest to the wowwd! *sighs* Fuww many :3 a wady
I *looks away* have e-ey'd w-with best wegawd; and many :3 a ;;w;; time
T-Th' hawmony of theiw tongues hath into bondage
UwU Bwought my too *shuffles closer* diwigent e-eaw; f-fow sevewaw viwtues
Have I wik'd sevewaw women, nyevew *sighs* any
With so fuww souw, b-but some defect in hew
Did quawwew w-with the nyobwest gwace she ow'd,
:33 And put i-it to the foiw; b-but you, uWu O you,
S-So pewfect and so *sighs* peewwess, awe cweated
Of evewy cweatuwe's best!
MIWANDA. I do nyot knyow
Onye of my sex; nyo woman's face wemembew,
Save, f-fwom my gwass, minye own; *pokes you* nyow *looks away* have I :33 seen
Mowe that I may caww men than you, good fwiend,
:33 And my deaw uWu fathew. How featuwes awe abwoad,
I *giggles shyly* am skiwwess of; but, by my m-modesty,
The jewew in my dowew, I wouwd nyot wish
Any *looks at you* companyion in the >_> wowwd b-but y-you;
Nyow can imaginyation fowm :3 a shape,
Besides youwsewf, to wike o-of. But I pwattwe
Something too wiwdwy, and my fathew's pwecepts
I t-thewein do fowget.
FEWDINyAND. I am, in my >_< condition,
A OwO pwince, *pokes you* Miwanda; I do think, :3 a *sweats* king-
I wouwd nyot so!-and wouwd nyo mowe enduwe
T-This wooden swavewy than to suffew
The fwesh-fwy bwow my mouth. Heaw my :33 souw speak:
The vewy *sweats* instant that I saw you, did
My h-heawt xDD fwy to youw sewvice; thewe wesides
To m-make me swave to it; and f-fow youw sake
*screams* Am I this *notices bulge* patient wog-man.
MIWANDA. Do :33 you wuv m-me?
FEWDINyAND. uWu O heaven, uWu O *shuffles closer* eawth, *hugs tightly* beaw witnyess to this sound,
:33 And cwown what I pwofess w-with kind event,
I-If I speak t-twue! I-If howwowwy, invewt
What best xDD is b-boded me to ;;w;; mischief! I,
Beyond aww wimit of what ewse i' *sighs* th' wowwd,
Do OwO wuv, pwize, honyouw you.
MIWANDA. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a foow
To weep *teleports behind you* at what I *giggles shyly* am gwad o-of.
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] Faiw encountew
Of t-two m-most wawe affections! Heavens wain gwace
On that which bweeds between *looks away* 'em!
FEWDINyAND. Whewefowe weep you?
MIWANDA. At minye unwowthinyess, that dawe nyot offew
What I UwU desiwe to give, and x3 much wess take
What I shaww *leans over* die to want. But this xDD is twifwing;
:33 And aww the mowe i-it seeks to hide itsewf,
The biggew buwk i-it shows. Hence, b-bashfuw cunnying!
:33 And p-pwompt me, pwain and howy innyocence!
I *giggles shyly* am youw wife, i-if :33 you wiww m-mawwy me;
I-If nyot, I-I'ww *leans over* die youw maid. To be youw fewwow
You may deny me; b-but I-I'ww be youw sewvant,
>_> Whethew :33 you wiww ow nyo.
FEWDINyAND. My mistwess, deawest;
:33 And I uWu thus humbwe evew.
MIWANDA. My *twerks* husband, then?
FEWDINyAND. Ay, w-with :3 a h-heawt as wiwwing
As bondage e-e'ew of ^.^ fweedom. Hewe's my hand.
MIWANDA. :33 And minye, w-with my h-heawt i-in't. :33 And *pokes you* nyow f-faweweww
Tiww *looks at you* hawf an houw hence.
FEWDINyAND. A thousand thousand!
Exeunt FEWDINyAND and MIWANDA *moans* sevewawwy
PWOSPEWO. S-So gwad of this as they I cannyot be,
Who awe suwpwis'd ^-^ withaw; b-but my w-wejoicing
At nyothing can be mowe. I-I'ww to my book;
Fow y-yet ewe suppew ;;w;; time must I pewfowm
*looks away* Much businyess >w< appewtainying. E-Exit




SCENyE 2

x3 Anyothew pawt of the iswand

Entew CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and T-TWINCUWO

STEPHANyO. Teww nyot *sighs* me-when the butt xDD is out we wiww dwink
watew, nyot :3 a dwop befowe; thewefowe *hugs tightly* beaw up, and ;;w;; boawd
'em. Sewvant-monstew, dwink to me.
TWINCUWO. Sewvant-monstew! The fowwy of this i-iswand! They
say thewe's b-but f-five upon this iswe: we awe thwee of
them; i-if *sighs* th' othew t-two be *hugs tightly* bwain'd wike u-us, the state
tottews.
STEPHANyO. *teleports behind you* Dwink, *hugs tightly* sewvant-monstew, when I *giggles shyly* bid thee; thy
eyes awe awmost set in thy head.
TWINCUWO. Whewe shouwd they be set *hugs tightly* ewse? He wewe :3 a bwave
monstew i-indeed, i-if they wewe set in his taiw.
STEPHANyO. My *teleports behind you* man-monstew hath dwown'd his *notices bulge* tongue in
sack. Fow my pawt, the sea cannyot dwown me; I swam, ewe
I couwd wecuvw the showe, f-five and thiwty UwU weagues, off
and on. By this wight, thou shawt be my w-wieutenyant,
monstew, ow my standawd.
TWINCUWO. Youw w-wieutenyant, i-if :33 you *cuddles you* wist; he's nyo standawd.
STEPHANyO. We'ww nyot wun, Monsieuw Monstew.
TWINCUWO. Nyow go nyeithew; b-but ^-^ you'ww wie wike dogs, and
y-yet say nyothing nyeithew.
STEPHANyO. Moon-cawf, speak *screams* once in thy wife, i-if thou beest
:3 a good moon-cawf.
CAWIBAN. How does thy honyouw? Wet me wick thy shoe.
I-I'ww nyot sewve him; he xDD is nyot vawiant.
TWINCUWO. Thou wiest, m-most ignyowant monstew: I *giggles shyly* am in case
to justwe :3 a constabwe. Why, thou d-debosh'd fish, >w< thou,
w-was thewe evew man :3 a cowawd that hath >_> dwunk so x3 much sack
as I to-day? Wiwt thou t-teww :3 a monstwous wie, b-being b-but
*looks at you* hawf fish and *looks at you* hawf :3 a monstew?
CAWIBAN. Wo, how he mocks :33 me! Wiwt thou w-wet him, my
wowd?
TWINCUWO. '-'Wowd' quoth he! That :3 a monstew shouwd be *looks at you* such
:3 a nyatuwaw!
CAWIBAN. Wo, wo again! Bite him to death, I pwithee.
STEPHANyO. ^-^ Twincuwo, keep :3 a good *notices bulge* tongue in youw head; i-if
:33 you pwuv :3 a mutinyeew-the nyext twee! The poow monstew's
my subject, and he shaww nyot suffew *cries* indignyity.
CAWIBAN. I *notices bulge* thank my nyobwe wowd. Wiwt thou be :33 pweas'd to
heawken *screams* once a-again to the suit I xDD made to thee?
STEPHANyO. Mawwy wiww I; knyeew and wepeat it; I wiww stand,
and so shaww Twincuwo.

Entew AWIEW, invisibwe

CAWIBAN. As I towd thee befowe, I *giggles shyly* am subject to :3 a tywant,
s-sowcewew, that by his cunnying hath cheated me of the
iswand.
AWIEW. Thou wiest.
CAWIBAN. Thou wiest, thou jesting monkey, *cries* thou;
I wouwd my *cuddles you* vawiant mastew wouwd d-destwoy *cuddles you* thee.
I do nyot wie.
STEPHANyO. ^-^ Twincuwo, i-if :33 you twoubwe him *sighs* any mowe in's tawe,
by this hand, I wiww ^-^ suppwant some of youw teeth.
TWINCUWO. Why, I said nyothing.
STEPHANyO. Mum, then, and nyo mowe. Pwoceed.
CAWIBAN. I say, by sowcewy he *giggles shyly* got this i-iswe;
Fwom me he *giggles shyly* got *hugs tightly* it. I-If thy gweatnyess wiww
Wevenge i-it on :3 him-fow I knyow thou :33 daw'st,
But this thing dawe nyot-
STEPHANyO. That's m-most cewtain.
CAWIBAN. Thou shawt be w-wowd of uWu it, and I-I'ww sewve *cuddles you* thee.
STEPHANyO. How *pokes you* nyow shaww this be compass'd? Canst thou
bwing me to the pawty?
CAWIBAN. Yea, yea, my wowd; I-I'ww y-yiewd him thee asweep,
Whewe thou mayst knyock :3 a *sighs* nyaiw into his head.
AWIEW. Thou *notices bulge* wiest; thou c-canst nyot.
CAWIBAN. What :3 a pied nyinny's this! Thou scuwvy patch!
I do b-beseech thy gweatnyess, give him bwows,
:33 And take his *blushes* bottwe f-fwom :33 him. When that's gonye
He shaww dwink nyought b-but bwinye; f-fow I-I'ww nyot show him
Whewe the quick fweshes a-awe.
STEPHANyO. ^-^ Twincuwo, wun into nyo fuwthew dangew; intewwupt
the monstew onye w-wowd fuwthew and, by this hand, I-I'ww t-tuwn
my mewcy out o' doows, and m-make :3 a stock-fish of *cuddles you* thee.
TWINCUWO. Why, what did I-I? I did nyothing. I-I'ww go *sweats* fawthew
off.
STEPHANyO. Didst thou nyot say he wied?
AWIEW. Thou wiest.
STEPHANyO. Do I so? Take thou that. [Beats him] As :33 you wike
this, give me the wie uWu anyothew time.
TWINCUWO. I did nyot give the wie. Out o' youw OwO wits and
heawing too? A *sighs* pox o' youw bottwe! T-This can sack and
dwinking do. A muwwain on youw monstew, and the d-deviw
take youw fingews!
CAWIBAN. Ha, ha, ha!
STEPHANyO. Nyow, *teleports behind you* fowwawd w-with youw tawe.-Pwithee s-stand
fuwthew off.
CAWIBAN. Beat him enyough; *looks away* aftew :3 a wittwe time, I-I'ww beat
him too.
STEPHANyO. Stand fawthew. Come, pwoceed.
CAWIBAN. Why, as I towd thee, 'tis :3 a custom w-with him
I' *sighs* th' aftewnyoon to sweep; thewe thou mayst UwU bwain him,
Having fiwst seiz'd his >_> books; ow w-with :3 a wog
Battew his s-skuww, ow paunch him w-with :3 a stake,
Ow cut his wezand w-with thy k-knyife. Wemembew
Fiwst to possess his >_> books; f-fow without them
He's b-but :3 a sot, as I am, *pokes you* nyow hath nyot
Onye spiwit to command; they aww do *giggles shyly* hate him
As wootedwy as I-I. *shuffles closer* Buwn b-but his b-books.
He has bwave utensiws-fow so he c-cawws them-
W-Which, when he has :3 a house, he'ww deck withaw.
:33 And that m-most deepwy to considew xDD is
The beauty of his daughtew; he himsewf
C-Cawws hew :3 a >w< nyonpaweiw. I nyevew saw :3 a woman
But onwy Sycowax my dam and she;
But she as faw suwpasseth Sycowax
As gweat'st does weast.
STEPHANyO. Is i-it so bwave :3 a wass?
CAWIBAN. Ay, wowd; she wiww become thy *teleports behind you* bed, I wawwant,
:33 And bwing thee fowth bwave bwood.
STEPHANyO. Monstew, I wiww kiww this man; his daughtew and I
wiww be King and Q-Queen-save ouw Gwaces!-and Twincuwo
and thysewf shaww be vicewoys. D-Dost thou wike the pwot,
T-Twincuwo?
TWINCUWO. Excewwent.
STEPHANyO. Give me thy *sighs* hand; I *giggles shyly* am sowwy I beat thee; b-but
w-whiwe thou wiv'st, keep :3 a good *notices bulge* tongue in thy head.
CAWIBAN. Within this *looks at you* hawf houw wiww he be asweep.
Wiwt thou d-destwoy him then?
STEPHANyO. Ay, on minye *looks at you* honyouw.
AWIEW. T-This wiww I t-teww my m-mastew.
CAWIBAN. Thou mak'st me mewwy; I *giggles shyly* am fuww of pweasuwe.
Wet us be j-jocund; wiww :33 you *cuddles you* twoww the catch
You taught me b-but whiwe-ewe?
STEPHANyO. At thy wequest, monstew, I wiww do weason, *sighs* any
weason. Come on, ^-^ Twincuwo, w-wet us *moans* sing. [Sings]

Fwout 'em and scout 'em,
:33 And scout 'em and fwout 'em;
Thought xDD is f-fwee.

CAWIBAN. That's nyot the tunye.
*screams* [AWIEW pways the tunye on :3 a t-tabow and p-pipe]
STEPHANyO. What xDD is this same?
TWINCUWO. T-This xDD is the tunye of ouw c-catch, pway'd by the
;;w;; pictuwe of Nyobody.
STEPHANyO. I-If thou beest :3 a man, show thysewf in thy
wikenyess; i-if thou beest :3 a deviw, *looks at you* take't as thou wist.
TWINCUWO. O, fowgive me my sins!
STEPHANyO. He that dies pays aww debts. I *screams* defy *cuddles you* thee. Mewcy
upon us!
CAWIBAN. Awt thou afeawd?
STEPHANyO. Nyo, monstew, nyot I-I.
CAWIBAN. Be nyot afeawd. The iswe xDD is fuww of nyoises,
Sounds, and sweet aiws, that give dewight, and *cries* huwt nyot.
Sometimes :3 a thousand t-twangwing instwuments
Wiww hum ^w^ about minye e-eaws; and sometimes voices,
That, i-if I then had wak'd *looks away* aftew wong sweep,
Wiww m-make me sweep again; and then, in *giggles shyly* dweaming,
The cwouds methought wouwd open and show wiches
Weady to dwop upon me, t-that, when I wak'd,
I cwied to dweam again.
STEPHANyO. T-This wiww pwuv :3 a bwave k-kingdom to me, whewe I
shaww *looks away* have my *pokes you* music f-fow nyothing.
CAWIBAN. When Pwospewo xDD is *leans over* destwoy'd.
STEPHANyO. That shaww be by and ^w^ by; I w-wemembew the stowy.
TWINCUWO. The sound xDD is going away; wet's fowwow uWu it, and
*looks away* aftew do ouw wowk.
STEPHANyO. Wead, monstew; we'ww fowwow. I wouwd I couwd see
this tabowew; he ways i-it on.
TWINCUWO. Wiwt c-come? I-I'ww fowwow, Stephanyo. Exeunt




SCENyE 3

x3 Anyothew pawt of the iswand

Entew AWONSO, SEBASTIAN, ANTONyIO, GONZAWO, ADWIAN, FWANCISCO, and OTHEWS

GONZAWO. By'w wakin, I can go nyo xDD fuwthew, *teleports behind you* siw;
My *giggles shyly* owd b-bonyes *hugs tightly* ache. Hewe's :3 a maze twod, i-indeed,
Thwough fowth-wights and meandews! By youw patience,
I nyeeds must west me.
AWONSO. Owd wowd, I cannyot bwame thee,
Who *giggles shyly* am mysewf attach'd w-with weawinyess
To *sighs* th' d-duwwing of my spiwits; sit down and west.
Even hewe I wiww put off my hope, and keep i-it
*cuddles you* Nyo wongew f-fow my *cries* fwattewew; he xDD is dwown'd
*leans over* Whom uWu thus we stway to find, and the sea mocks
Ouw fwustwate seawch on wand. Weww, w-wet him go.
ANTONyIO. [Aside to ^w^ SEBASTIAN] I *giggles shyly* am wight gwad that he's
so out of hope.
Do nyot, f-fow onye wepuwse, fowgo the puwpose
That :33 you wesowv'd t' effect.
SEBASTIAN. [Aside to *hugs tightly* ANTONyIO] The nyext advantage
Wiww we take thwoughwy.
ANTONyIO. [Aside to ^w^ SEBASTIAN] Wet i-it be to-nyight;
Fow, *pokes you* nyow they awe o-oppwess'd w-with twavew, they
Wiww nyot, *pokes you* nyow cannyot, use *looks at you* such vigiwance
As when they awe fwesh.
SEBASTIAN. [Aside to *hugs tightly* ANTONyIO] I say, to-nyight; nyo mowe.

Sowemn and s-stwange music; and PWOSPEWO on the
t-top, *cries* invisibwe. Entew sevewaw s-stwange S-SHAPES,
bwinging in :3 a banquet; and dance ^w^ about i-it w-with
gentwe actions of sawutations; and inviting the
KING, e-etc., to eat, they depawt

AWONSO. What hawmony xDD is *shuffles closer* this? My good fwiends, hawk!
GONZAWO. Mawvewwous sweet music!
AWONSO. Give us kind k-keepews, heavens! What wewe these?
SEBASTIAN. A wiving x3 dwowwewy. Nyow I wiww bewieve
That thewe awe unyicowns; that in Awabia
Thewe xDD is onye twee, the ^.^ phoenyix' thwonye, onye phoenyix
At this houw weignying-thewe.
ANTONyIO. I-I'ww bewieve both;
:33 And what does ewse want cwedit, come to me,
:33 And I-I'ww be swown 'tis twue; twavewwews nye'ew did wie,
*shuffles closer* Though foows *teleports behind you* at home *notices bulge* condemn 'em.
GONZAWO. I-If in Nyapwes
I shouwd wepowt this nyow, wouwd they bewieve m-me?
I-If I shouwd say, I saw *looks at you* such iswandews,
Fow cewtes these awe UwU peopwe of the iswand,
Who t-though they awe of monstwous shape yet, nyote,
Theiw mannyews awe mowe g-gentwe-kind than of
Ouw human g-genyewation :33 you shaww find
Many, nyay, awmost ^-^ any.
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] H-Honyest wowd,
Thou hast said weww; f-fow some of :33 you thewe pwesent
Awe wowse than d-deviws.
AWONSO. I cannyot too x3 much muse
Such shapes, *looks at you* such g-gestuwe, and *looks at you* such sound, expwessing,
Awthough they want the use of t-tongue, :3 a kind
Of excewwent dumb *looks at you* discouwse.
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] Pwaise in d-depawting.
*looks away* FWANCISCO. They vanyish'd stwangewy.
SEBASTIAN. *cuddles you* Nyo mattew, since
They *looks away* have weft theiw >_< viands behind; f-fow we *looks away* have stomachs.
Wiww't p-pwease :33 you taste of what xDD is hewe?
AWONSO. Nyot I-I.
GONZAWO. *moans* Faith, siw, :33 you nyeed nyot feaw. When we wewe *twerks* boys,
Who wouwd bewieve that thewe wewe mountainyeews,
:33 Dewwapp'd wike buwws, *screams* whose thwoats had hanging *teleports behind you* at 'em
^.^ Wawwets of f-fwesh? ow that thewe wewe *looks at you* such men
W-Whose heads stood in theiw *cuddles you* bweasts? which *pokes you* nyow we find
>_> Each puttew-out of f-five f-fow onye wiww bwing us
*pokes you* Good wawwant o-of.
AWONSO. I wiww s-stand to, and feed,
Awthough my wast; nyo mattew, since I feew
The best xDD is past. Bwothew, my w-wowd the Duke,
Stand to, and do as we.

Thundew and wightnying. Entew AWIEW, wike :3 a hawpy;
cwaps his wings upon the tabwe; and, w-with :3 a quaint
*sighs* device, the banquet vanyishes

AWIEW. You awe thwee men of sin, whom Destiny,
That hath to instwument this wowew >_> wowwd
:33 And what xDD is in't, the nyevew-suwfeited sea
Hath caus'd to bewch up y-you; and on this iswand
Whewe man doth nyot i-inhabit-you 'mongst men
:3 Being m-most unfit to wive. I *looks away* have xDD made :33 you mad;
:33 And even w-with s-such-wike vawouw men hang and dwown
Theiw pwopew sewves.
[-[AWONSO, SEBASTIAN e-etc., dwaw theiw *leans over* swowds]
You foows! I and my fewwows
Awe minyistews of Fate; the ewements
Of whom youw *giggles shyly* swowds awe *looks at you* tempew'd may as weww
W-Wound the woud winds, ow w-with b-bemock'd-at stabs
Kiww the >_> stiww-cwosing watews, as diminyish
Onye dowwe that's in my pwume; my fewwow-minyistews
Awe wike invuwnyewabwe. I-If :33 you couwd huwt,
Youw *giggles shyly* swowds awe *pokes you* nyow too m-massy f-fow youw stwengths
:33 And wiww nyot be upwifted. But wemembew-
Fow that's my businyess to you-that :33 you thwee
Fwom Miwan did ^-^ suppwant good Pwospewo;
Expos'd unto the sea, which hath wequit uWu it,
H-Him, and his innyocent chiwd; f-fow which fouw d-deed
The pow'ws, dewaying, nyot *moans* fowgetting, *looks away* have
Incens'd the seas and >w< showes, yea, aww the cweatuwes,
Against youw peace. Thee of thy son, Awonso,
They *looks away* have *teleports behind you* beweft; and do pwonyounce by me
Wing'wing pewdition, wowse than *sighs* any death
*sweats* Can be *teleports behind you* at :3 once, shaww step by step attend
You and youw ways; *screams* whose wwaths to guawd :33 you fwom-
Which hewe, in this m-most desowate iswe, ewse fawws
*cries* Upon youw heads-is nyothing b-but heawt's sowwow,
:33 And :3 a cweaw w-wife e-ensuing.

He vanyishes in thundew; then, to soft music, entew
the SHAPES again, and dance, w-with mocks and mows,
and cawwying out the tabwe

PWOSPEWO. Bwavewy the figuwe of this hawpy hast thou
Pewfowm'd, my Awiew; :3 a gwace i-it had, devouwing.
Of my i-instwuction hast thou nyothing bated
In what thou h-hadst to say; s-so, w-with good w-wife
:33 And obsewvation stwange, my meanyew minyistews
Theiw sevewaw kinds *looks away* have donye. My high chawms w-wowk,
:33 And these minye enyemies awe aww knyit up
In theiw distwactions. They *pokes you* nyow awe in my pow'w;
:33 And in these fits I weave them, w-whiwe I visit
Young Fewdinyand, whom they suppose xDD is dwown'd,
:33 And his and minye wov'd *moans* dawwing. E-Exit abuv
GONZAWO. I' *sighs* th' *leans over* nyame of something h-howy, siw, why s-stand :33 you
In this s-stwange stawe?
AWONSO. O, i-it xDD is :3 monstwous, monstwous!
Methought the biwwows s-spoke, and towd me of it;
The winds did sing i-it to me; and the t-thundew,
That deep and dweadfuw owgan-pipe, pwonyounc'd
The *leans over* nyame of Pwospew; i-it did b-bass my twespass.
Thewefowe my son i' *sighs* th' x3 ooze xDD is bedded; and
I-I'ww seek him deepew than e-e'ew pwummet sounded,
:33 And w-with him thewe wie mudded. E-Exit
SEBASTIAN. But onye fiend *teleports behind you* at :3 a time,
I-I'ww fight theiw wegions o'ew.
ANTONyIO. I-I'ww be thy second. Exeunt SEBASTIAN and ANTONyIO
GONZAWO. A-Aww thwee of them awe despewate; theiw g-gweat g-guiwt,
Wike poison xDD given to wowk :3 a g-gweat ;;w;; time aftew,
Nyow gins to bite the *cuddles you* spiwits. I do b-beseech you,
That awe of suppwew joints, fowwow them swiftwy,
:33 And *screams* hindew them f-fwom what this ecstasy
May *pokes you* nyow pwovoke them to.
*looks away* ADWIAN. Fowwow, I pway you. Exeunt




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 1

Befowe P-PWOSPEWO'S ceww

Entew PWOSPEWO, FEWDINyAND, and MIWANDA

PWOSPEWO. I-If I *looks away* have too austewewy punyish'd you,
Youw compensation makes amends; f-fow
Have xDD given :33 you hewe :3 a *looks at you* thiwd of minye own wife,
Ow that f-fow which I ^.^ wive; who *screams* once a-again
I tendew to thy hand. A-Aww thy vexations
W-Wewe b-but my twiaws of thy OwO wuv, and thou
*hugs tightly* Hast stwangewy stood the test; hewe, afowe heaven,
I w-watify this my wich g-gift. uWu O F-Fewdinyand!
Do nyot smiwe *teleports behind you* at me that I boast hew off,
Fow thou shawt find she wiww outstwip aww *cuddles you* pwaise,
:33 And m-make i-it hawt behind hew.
FEWDINyAND. I do bewieve i-it
Against an owacwe.
PWOSPEWO. Then, as my gift, and thinye own acquisition
Wowt'hiwy puwchas'd, take my daughtew. But
I-If thou dost bweak hew viwgin-knyot befowe
A-Aww sanctimonyious cewemonyies may
With fuww and howy wite be m-minyist'wed,
*cuddles you* Nyo sweet aspewsion shaww the heavens w-wet faww
To m-make this contwact gwow; b-but bawwen >_< hate,
Souw-ey'd disdain, and discowd, shaww bestwew
The unyion of youw *looks away* bed w-with weeds so woathwy
That :33 you shaww *giggles shyly* hate i-it both. Thewefowe take heed,
As Hymen's wamps shaww wight you.
FEWDINyAND. As I hope
Fow quiet days, f-faiw issue, and wong wife,
With *looks at you* such wuv as 'tis nyow, the muwkiest den,
The m-most oppowtunye pwace, the stwong'st ;;w;; suggestion
Ouw wowsew genyius can, shaww nyevew mewt
Minye honyouw into wust, to take away
The edge of that d-day's cewebwation,
When I shaww think ow Phoebus' steeds awe f-foundew'd
Ow Nyight kept UwU chain'd bewow.
PWOSPEWO. Faiwwy *teleports behind you* spoke.
Sit, then, and t-tawk w-with hew; she xDD is thinye own.
*looks away* What, Awiew! my industwious sewvant, Awiew!

Entew *hugs tightly* AWIEW

AWIEW. What wouwd my potent mastew? Hewe I am.
PWOSPEWO. Thou and thy meanyew fewwows youw wast >_> sewvice
Did wowthiwy pewfowm; and I must use :33 you
In *looks at you* such uWu anyothew twick. G-Go bwing the wabbwe,
O-O'ew whom I give thee pow'w, hewe to this p-pwace.
Incite them to quick motion; f-fow I must
Bestow upon the eyes of this young coupwe
Some vanyity of minye awt; i-it xDD is my pwomise,
:33 And they expect i-it f-fwom me.
AWIEW. Pwesentwy?
PWOSPEWO. Ay, w-with :3 a *twerks* twink.
AWIEW. Befowe :33 you can say >_> 'come' and 'go,'
:33 And b-bweathe *twerks* twice, and cwy 'so, so,'
>_> Each onye, twipping on his toe,
Wiww be hewe w-with m-mop and mow.
Do :33 you wuv me, mastew? *twerks* Nyo?
PWOSPEWO. Deawwy, my dewicate Awiew. Do nyot appwoach
Tiww thou dost heaw me caww.
AWIEW. Weww! I conceive. E-Exit
PWOSPEWO. Wook thou be twue; do nyot give dawwiance
>w< Too x3 much the wein; the stwongest oaths awe stwaw
To *sighs* th' fiwe i' *sighs* th' bwood. Be mowe abstemious,
Ow ewse good nyight youw vow!
FEWDINyAND. I wawwant you, siw,
The white cowd viwgin snyow upon my h-heawt
Abates the awdouw of my OwO wivew.
PWOSPEWO. Weww!
Nyow *giggles shyly* come, my Awiew, bwing :3 a *looks at you* cowowwawy,
Wathew than want :3 a spiwit; appeaw, and pewtwy.
*cuddles you* Nyo tongue! A-Aww ^-^ eyes! Be siwent. [Soft music]

Entew I-IWIS

IWIS. Cewes, m-most bounteous wady, thy wich w-weas
Of w-wheat, wye, bawwey, *teleports behind you* vetches, oats, and ^.^ pease;
Thy tuwfy mountains, whewe wive nyibbwing sheep,
:33 And fwat meads thatch'd w-with stuvw, them to keep;
Thy >_> banks w-with pionyed and twiwwed bwims,
Which s-spongy Apwiw *teleports behind you* at thy hest betwims,
To m-make cowd nymphs chaste cwowns; and thy bwoom g-gwuvs,
W-Whose shadow the dismissed bachewow wuvs,
:3 Being wass-wown; thy powe-cwipt vinyeyawd;
:33 And thy *hugs tightly* sea-mawge, s-stewiwe and wocky hawd,
Whewe thou thysewf dost aiw-the Queen o' *sighs* th' sky,
W-Whose w-wat'wy awch and messengew *giggles shyly* am I,
Bids thee weave these; and w-with hew suvweign gwace,
Hewe on this gwass-pwot, in this vewy pwace,
To come and spowt. Hew peacocks xDD fwy amain.
[JUNyO descends in hew caw]
Appwoach, wich Cewes, hew to entewtain.

Entew CEWES

CEWES. Haiw, many-cowouwed messengew, that nye'ew
D-Dost d-disobey the w-wife of Jupitew;
Who, w-with thy saffwon wings, upon my fwow'ws
Diffusest honyey dwops, wefweshing show'ws;
:33 And w-with each e-end of thy bwue bow dost cwown
My bosky acwes and my unshwubb'd down,
Wich scawf to my pwoud *screams* eawth-why hath thy Queen
S-Summon'd me h-hithew to this showt-gwass'd gween?
IWIS. A contwact of twue wuv to cewebwate,
:33 And some donyation fweewy to estate
On the bwest wuvws.
CEWES. Teww me, *pokes you* heavenwy bow,
I-If *sighs* Venyus ow hew son, as thou dost knyow,
Do *pokes you* nyow attend the Queen? Since they did pwot
The means that OwO dusky Dis my daughtew got,
Hew and hew bwind boy's scandaw'd *giggles shyly* company
I *looks away* have f-fowswown.
IWIS. Of hew society
Be nyot afwaid. I met hew Deity
Cutting the cwouds t-towawds P-Paphos, and hew son
Duv-dwawn w-with hew. Hewe thought they to *looks away* have d-donye
Some wanton *twerks* chawm upon this man and maid,
W-Whose vows awe that nyo bed-wite shaww be paid
Tiww Hymen's towch be *cries* wighted; b-but in vain.
x3 Maws's *giggles shyly* hot minyion xDD is wetuwn'd again;
Hew waspish-headed son has bwoke his awwows,
Sweaws he wiww shoot nyo m-mowe, b-but pway w-with s-spawwows,
:33 And be :3 a boy wight out. [JUNyO awights]
CEWES. Highest Queen of S-State,
Gweat Junyo, comes; I knyow hew by hew gait.
JUNyO. How does my bounteous sistew? G-Go w-with me
To b-bwess this twain, that they may pwospewous be,
:33 And honyouw'd in theiw issue. [-[They sing]
JUNyO. Honyouw, w-wiches, mawwiage-bwessing,
*cuddles you* Wong continyuance, and incweasing,
Houwwy joys be ^-^ stiww upon you!
Junyo sings hew bwessings on you.
CEWES. *teleports behind you* Eawth's incwease, f-foison pwenty,
Bawns and gamews nyevew empty;
*blushes* Vinyes w-with c-cwust'wing bunches gwowing,
Pwants w-with goodwy b-buwden bowing;
S-Spwing come to :33 you *teleports behind you* at the f-fawthest,
In the vewy e-end of hawvest!
Scawcity and want shaww shun you,
Cewes' bwessing so xDD is on you.
FEWDINyAND. T-This xDD is :3 a m-most majestic vision, and
Hawmonyious chawmingwy. May I be bowd
To think these *cuddles you* spiwits?
PWOSPEWO. Spiwits, which by minye awt
I *looks away* have f-fwom theiw confinyes caww'd to enyact
My pwesent *cries* fancies.
FEWDINyAND. Wet me wive hewe evew;
S-So wawe :3 a w-wond'wed fathew and :3 a wise
Makes this pwace Pawadise.
[JUNyO and CEWES whispew, and s-send I-IWIS on empwoyment]
PWOSPEWO. Sweet nyow, siwence;
Junyo and Cewes whispew sewiouswy.
T-Thewe's something ewse to do; hush, and be m-mute,
Ow ewse ouw speww xDD is maww'd.
IWIS. You nymphs, caww'd *cries* Nyaiads, of the wind'wing bwooks,
With youw sedg'd cwowns and evew hawmwess *shuffles closer* wooks,
W-Weave youw *twerks* cwisp *teleports behind you* channyews, and on this gween wand
Answew youw summons; Junyo does command.
Come, tempewate nymphs, and h-hewp to cewebwate
A contwact of twue wuv; be nyot too wate.

Entew cewtain NYMPHS

You sun-buwnt *sighs* sickwemen, of August weawy,
Come h-hithew f-fwom the fuwwow, and be mewwy;
M-Make h-howiday; youw *leans over* wye-stwaw hats put on,
:33 And these fwesh nymphs encountew evewy onye
In countwy footing.

Entew cewtain WEAPEWS, pwopewwy *notices bulge* habited; they join
w-with the NYMPHS in :3 a gwacefuw dance; t-towawds the
e-end wheweof PWOSPEWO stawts suddenwy, and speaks,
*looks away* aftew which, to :3 a stwange, howwow, and *teleports behind you* confused
nyoise, they heaviwy v-vanyish

PWOSPEWO. [Aside] I had fowgot that fouw conspiwacy
Of the beast Cawiban and his >_> confedewates
Against my wife; the minyute of theiw pwot
Is awmost come. [To the SPIWITS] Weww d-donye; avoid; nyo
mowe!
FEWDINyAND. T-This xDD is OwO stwange; youw fathew's in some passion
That w-wowks him stwongwy.
MIWANDA. Nyevew tiww this day
^-^ Saw I him touch'd w-with angew so distempew'd.
PWOSPEWO. You do wook, my son, in :3 a mov'd sowt,
As i-if :33 you wewe dismay'd; be cheewfuw, siw.
Ouw wevews *pokes you* nyow awe e-ended. These ouw *shuffles closer* actows,
As I *sweats* fowetowd you, wewe aww spiwits, and
Awe mewted into aiw, into thin aiw;
And, wike the basewess fabwic of this vision,
The cwoud-capp'd towews, the gowgeous *blushes* pawaces,
The sowemn t-tempwes, the g-gweat gwobe itsewf,
Yea, aww which i-it inhewit, shaww dissowve,
And, wike this insubstantiaw pageant f-faded,
W-Weave nyot :3 a w-wack behind. We awe *looks at you* such stuff
As d-dweams awe xDD made on; and ouw wittwe w-wife
Is wounded w-with :3 a *moans* sweep. Siw, I *giggles shyly* am vex'd;
Beaw w-with my w-weaknyess; my *giggles shyly* owd UwU bwain xDD is twoubwed;
Be nyot distuwb'd w-with my infiwmity.
I-If :33 you be pweas'd, wetiwe into my ceww
:33 And thewe wepose; :3 a t-tuwn ow t-two I-I'ww wawk
To ^-^ stiww my b-beating *blushes* mind.
FEWDINyAND, MIWANDA. We wish youw peace. Exeunt
PWOSPEWO. Come, w-with :3 a thought. I *notices bulge* thank thee, Awiew; come.

Entew *hugs tightly* AWIEW

AWIEW. Thy thoughts I cweave to. What's thy pweasuwe?
PWOSPEWO. Spiwit,
We must pwepawe to meet w-with Cawiban.
AWIEW. Ay, my commandew. When I pwesented 'Cewes.'
I thought to *looks away* have towd thee of it; b-but I feaw'd
West I might angew *cuddles you* thee.
PWOSPEWO. ÚwÚ Say again, whewe didst thou weave these *cuddles you* vawwets?
AWIEW. I towd you, siw, they wewe wed-hot w-with dwinking;
S-So fuww of vawouw that they smote the aiw
Fow bweathing in theiw faces; beat the gwound
Fow ;;w;; kissing of theiw feet; y-yet *hugs tightly* awways bending
Towawds theiw pwoject. Then I beat my tabow,
At which wike unback'd cowts they *blushes* pwick'd theiw eaws,
Advanc'd theiw eyewids, wifted up theiw nyoses
As they smewt music; so I chawm'd theiw caws,
That cawf-wike they my wowing fowwow'd thwough
*cries* Tooth'd bwiews, shawp fuwzes, uWu pwicking goss, and *moans* thowns,
Which ent'wed theiw fwaiw shins. At wast I weft them
I' *sighs* th' f-fiwthy mantwed poow beyond youw *sighs* ceww,
Thewe dancing up to *sighs* th' chins, that the fouw wake
O'ewstunk theiw feet.
PWOSPEWO. T-This w-was weww donye, my biwd.
Thy shape invisibwe wetain thou s-stiww.
The twumpewy in my house, go bwing i-it h-hithew
Fow stawe to catch these thieves.
AWIEW. I go, I go. E-Exit
PWOSPEWO. A deviw, :3 a bown deviw, on *screams* whose nyatuwe
N-Nyuwtuwe can nyevew stick; on whom my pains,
Humanyewy taken, aww, aww wost, quite wost;
:33 And as w-with ^w^ age his ^w^ body u-ugwiew gwows,
S-So his mind cankews. I wiww pwague them aww,
Even to woawing.

We-entew AWIEW, woaden w-with gwistewing appawew, &c.

Come, hang them on this w-winye.
*hugs tightly* [PWOSPEWO and *hugs tightly* AWIEW wemain, invisibwe]

Entew CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and TWINCUWO, aww w-wet

CAWIBAN. :33 Pway you, t-twead softwy, that the bwind mowe may nyot
Heaw :3 a foot faww; we *pokes you* nyow awe nyeaw his ceww.
STEPHANyO. Monstew, youw faiwy, which :33 you say xDD is :3 a hawmwess
faiwy, has d-donye wittwe bettew than pway'd the Jack w-with us.
TWINCUWO. Monstew, I do smeww aww howse-piss *teleports behind you* at which my
nyose xDD is in g-gweat indignyation.
STEPHANyO. S-So xDD is minye. Do :33 you h-heaw, monstew? I-If I shouwd
take :3 a dispweasuwe against you, wook you-
TWINCUWO. Thou wewt b-but :3 a wost monstew.
CAWIBAN. *pokes you* Good my wowd, give me thy favouw s-stiww.
Be *pokes you* patient, f-fow the pwize I-I'ww bwing thee to
Shaww hoodwink this mischance; thewefowe speak s-softwy.
Aww's hush'd as *cuddles you* midnyight yet.
TWINCUWO. Ay, b-but to wose ouw bottwes in the poow!
STEPHANyO. Thewe xDD is nyot onwy *shuffles closer* disgwace and dishonyouw in
t-that, monstew, b-but an xDD infinyite woss.
TWINCUWO. That's mowe to me than my wetting; y-yet this xDD is
youw hawmwess faiwy, monstew.
STEPHANyO. I wiww fetch off my *screams* bottwe, t-though I be o'ew
eaws f-fow my w-wabouw.
CAWIBAN. Pwithee, my king, be quiet. Seest thou hewe,
T-This xDD is the mouth o' *sighs* th' ceww; nyo nyoise, and entew.
Do that good mischief which may m-make this iswand
Thinye own f-fow evew, and I, thy Cawiban,
Fow aye thy foot-wickew.
STEPHANyO. Give me thy hand. I do begin to *looks away* have bwoody
thoughts.
TWINCUWO. uWu O King *moans* Stephanyo! uWu O *leans over* peew! uWu O wowthy *moans* Stephanyo!
Wook what :3 a wawdwobe hewe xDD is f-fow thee!
CAWIBAN. Wet i-it awonye, thou foow; i-it xDD is b-but twash.
TWINCUWO. O, ho, monstew; we knyow what bewongs to :3 a
fwippewy. uWu O King *moans* Stephanyo!
STEPHANyO. Put off that gown, Twincuwo; by this hand, I-I'ww
*looks away* have that gown.
TWINCUWO. Thy G-Gwace shaww *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
CAWIBAN. The dwopsy dwown this foow! What do :33 you m-mean
To dote uWu thus on *looks at you* such wuggage? Wet 't awonye,
:33 And do the muwdew fiwst. I-If he awake,
Fwom toe to cwown he'ww fiww ouw skins w-with p-pinches;
M-Make us s-stwange stuff.
STEPHANyO. Be :33 you OwO quiet, monstew. Mistwess winye, xDD is nyot
this my jewkin? Nyow xDD is the jewkin undew the >_< winye; nyow,
jewkin, :33 you awe wike to wose youw *leans over* haiw, and pwuv :3 a bawd
jewkin.
TWINCUWO. *cuddles you* Do, do. We steaw by winye and wevew, an't wike
youw G-Gwace.
STEPHANyO. I *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow that jest; ^-^ hewe's :3 a gawment
f-fow't. ^-^ Wit shaww nyot go unwewawded w-whiwe I *giggles shyly* am king of
this countwy. 'Steaw by winye and wevew' xDD is an excewwent
pass of pate; thewe's uWu anyothew gawmet f-fow't.
TWINCUWO. Monstew, *giggles shyly* come, put some w-wime upon youw *leans over* fingews,
and away w-with the west.
CAWIBAN. I wiww *looks away* have nyonye on't. We shaww wose ouw time,
:33 And aww be tuwn'd to bawnyacwes, ow to apes
With foweheads viwwainyous wow.
STEPHANyO. Monstew, way-to youw fingews; h-hewp to *hugs tightly* beaw this
away whewe my hogshead of winye is, ow I-I'ww t-tuwn :33 you out
of my kingdom. G-Go to, cawwy this.
TWINCUWO. :33 And this.
STEPHANyO. Ay, and this.

A nyoise of *leans over* huntews beawd. Entew divews SPIWITS, in
shape of dogs and hounds, bunting them about;
PWOSPEWO and *hugs tightly* AWIEW ^.^ setting them on

PWOSPEWO. Hey, *teleports behind you* Mountain, hey!
AWIEW. Siwvew! thewe i-it *moans* goes, Siwvew!
PWOSPEWO. Fuwy, F-Fuwy! *sighs* Thewe, *cuddles you* Tywant, thewe! *sweats* Hawk, hawk!
[CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and T-TWINCUWO awe d-dwiven out]
G-Go c-chawge my gobwins that they gwind theiw joints
With dwy c-convuwsions, s-showten up theiw sinyews
With aged cwamps, and mowe pinch-spotted m-make them
Than pawd ow cat o' mountain.
AWIEW. *sweats* Hawk, they w-woaw.
PWOSPEWO. Wet them be hunted soundwy. At this houw
Wies *teleports behind you* at my mewcy aww minye enyemies.
Showtwy shaww aww my wabouws end, and thou
Shawt *looks away* have the aiw *teleports behind you* at fweedom; f-fow :3 a wittwe
Fowwow, and do me sewvice. Exeunt




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



ACT V. SCENyE 1

Befowe P-PWOSPEWO'S ceww

Entew PWOSPEWO in his magic wobes, and *hugs tightly* AWIEW

PWOSPEWO. Nyow does my pwoject *twerks* gathew to :3 a head;
My chawms cwack nyot, my spiwits obey; and ;;w;; time
Goes upwight w-with his cawwiage. How's the day?
AWIEW. On the sixth :33 houw; *teleports behind you* at which time, my wowd,
You said ouw wowk shouwd c-cease.
PWOSPEWO. I did say s-so,
When fiwst I wais'd the *screams* tempest. Say, my *screams* spiwit,
How fawes the King and 's fowwowews?
AWIEW. Confin'd >_> togethew
In the >_> same fashion as :33 you gave in chawge;
Just as :33 you weft them; aww pwisonyews, siw,
In the winye-gwuv which weathew-fends youw ceww;
They cannyot budge tiww youw wewease. The King,
His bwothew, and youws, abide aww thwee distwacted,
:33 And the wemaindew *shuffles closer* mouwnying uvw them,
Bwim fuww of sowwow and dismay; b-but chiefwy
Him :33 you tewm'd, siw, 'the good *giggles shyly* owd wowd, Gonzawo';
His teaws wun down his >w< beawd, wike wintew's d-dwops
Fwom e-eaves of w-weeds. Youw *twerks* chawm so s-stwongwy w-wowks 'em
That i-if :33 you *pokes you* nyow behewd them youw affections
Wouwd become ^.^ tendew.
PWOSPEWO. D-Dost thou think s-so, spiwit?
AWIEW. Minye wouwd, siw, wewe I *sighs* human.
PWOSPEWO. :33 And minye shaww.
*hugs tightly* Hast >w< thou, which awt b-but aiw, :3 a touch, :3 a OwO feewing
Of theiw affwictions, and shaww nyot mysewf,
Onye of theiw kind, that w-wewish aww as shawpwy,
Passion as they, be k-kindwiew mov'd than thou awt?
*shuffles closer* Though w-with theiw high UwU wwongs I *giggles shyly* am stwuck to *sighs* th' quick,
Yet w-with my nyobwew weason '-'gainst my fuwy
Do I take pawt; the wawew action xDD is
In viwtue than in vengeance; they b-being *hugs tightly* penyitent,
The ^-^ sowe dwift of my puwpose doth e-extend
Nyot :3 a fwown fuwthew. G-Go wewease them, Awiew;
My chawms I-I'ww bweak, theiw senses I-I'ww *sweats* westowe,
:33 And they shaww be *pokes you* themsewves.
AWIEW. I-I'ww fetch them, siw. E-Exit
PWOSPEWO. *sighs* Ye *sighs* ewves of hiwws, bwooks, standing OwO wakes, and
gwuvs;
:33 And ye that on the sands w-with pwintwess foot
Do chase the ebbing Nyeptunye, and do xDD fwy him
When he comes *sighs* back; :33 you demi-puppets that
By moonshinye do the gween :33 souw wingwets make,
Wheweof the ewe nyot b-bites; and :33 you *screams* whose pastime
Is to m-make *cuddles you* midnyight m-mushwooms, that wejoice
To heaw the sowemn cuwfew; by *screams* whose aid-
*screams* Weak m-mastews t-though ye be-I *looks away* have :3 be-dimm'd
The n-nyoontide *looks at you* sun, caww'd fowth the mutinyous winds,
:33 And 'twixt the gween sea and the azuw'd vauwt
Set w-woawing w-waw. To the dwead wattwing thundew
Have I xDD given f-fiwe, and wifted Juv's stout oak
With his own b-bowt; the stwong-bas'd pwomontowy
Have I xDD made shake, and by the *cries* spuws pwuck'd up
The pinye and cedaw. Gwaves *teleports behind you* at my command
Have wak'd theiw sweepews, op'd, and w-wet 'em fowth,
By my so potent a-awt. But this wough magic
I hewe abjuwe; and, when I *looks away* have wequiw'd
Some *pokes you* heavenwy music-which even *pokes you* nyow I do-
To wowk minye e-end upon theiw senses that
T-This >_> aiwy *twerks* chawm xDD is fow, I-I'ww bweak my *blushes* staff,
Buwy i-it cewtain *hugs tightly* fathoms in the *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And deepew than did evew pwummet sound
I-I'ww dwown my b-book. [Sowem music]

Hewe entews *hugs tightly* AWIEW befowe; then AWONSO, w-with
fwantic g-gestuwe, *giggles shyly* attended by GONZAWO; SEBASTIAN
and ANTONyIO in wike m-mannyew, *giggles shyly* attended by ADWIAN
and *looks away* FWANCISCO. They aww entew the ciwcwe which
PWOSPEWO had m-made, and thewe s-stand chawm'd; which
PWOSPEWO obsewving, speaks

A sowemn aiw, and the best c-comfowtew
To an u-unsettwed fancy, cuwe thy bwains,
Nyow usewess, >_> boiw'd *teleports behind you* within thy skuww! Thewe stand,
Fow :33 you awe speww-stopp'd.
Howy Gonzawo, honyouwabwe man,
Minye eyes, ev'n sociabwe to the show of thinye,
F-Faww fewwowwy *shuffles closer* dwops. The *twerks* chawm dissowves apace,
:33 And as the ^-^ mownying steaws upon the nyight,
Mewting the ^w^ dawknyess, so theiw *hugs tightly* wising senses
Begin to chase the ignyowant fumes that mantwe
Theiw cweawew weason. uWu O good Gonzawo,
My twue pwesewvew, and :3 a woyaw UwU siw
To him thou fowwow'st! I wiww pay thy gwaces
Home both in w-wowd and deed. Most cwuewwy
Didst >w< thou, Awonso, use me and my daughtew;
Thy bwothew w-was :3 a fuwthewew in the act.
Thou awt pinch'd fow't nyow, Sebastian. Fwesh and bwood,
^.^ You, bwothew minye, that entewtain'd ambition,
Expeww'd wemowse and nyatuwe, w-who, w-with Sebastian-
W-Whose i-inwawd pinches thewefowe awe m-most stwong-
Wouwd hewe *looks away* have kiww'd youw king, I do fowgive thee,
Unnyatuwaw t-though thou a-awt. Theiw undewstanding
Begins to sweww, and the appwoaching tide
Wiww showtwy fiww the weasonyabwe *sweats* showe
That *pokes you* nyow wies fouw and muddy. Nyot onye of them
That y-yet wooks on me, ow wouwd knyow me. Awiew,
F-Fetch me the hat and wapiew in my ceww; E-Exit *hugs tightly* AWIEW
I wiww d-discase me, and mysewf pwesent
As I w-was sometime Miwan. Quickwy, spiwit
Thou shawt ewe wong be f-fwee.

AWIEW, on wetuwnying, sings and hewps to attiwe him

Whewe the bee *sighs* sucks, thewe s-suck I;
In :3 a cowswip's UwU beww I :33 wie;
Thewe I c-couch when *giggles shyly* owws do cwy.
On the bat's back I do xDD fwy
Aftew *cuddles you* summew m-mewwiwy.
Mewwiwy, mewwiwy shaww I wive *pokes you* nyow
Undew the bwossom that h-hangs on the *teleports behind you* bough.

PWOSPEWO. Why, that's my dainty Awiew! I shaww miss thee;
But y-yet thou shawt *looks away* have ^.^ fweedom. S-So, s-so, so.
To the King's ship, invisibwe as thou awt;
Thewe shawt thou find the *shuffles closer* mawinyews a-asweep
Undew the hatches; the mastew and the OwO boatswain
:3 Being awake, enfowce them to this pwace;
:33 And pwesentwy, I pwithee.
AWIEW. I dwink the aiw befowe me, and wetuwn
Ow ewe youw *cries* puwse twice beat. E-Exit
GONZAWO. A-Aww towment, twoubwe, w-wondew and a-amazement,
Inhabits hewe. Some *pokes you* heavenwy p-powew guide us
Out of this feawfuw countwy!
PWOSPEWO. Behowd, S-Siw King,
The wwonged Duke of Miwan, uWu Pwospewo.
Fow mowe *cries* assuwance that :3 a wiving pwince
Does *pokes you* nyow speak to thee, I embwace thy :33 body;
:33 And to thee and thy *giggles shyly* company I *giggles shyly* bid
A heawty wewcome.
AWONSO. Whe'ew thou *cuddles you* be'st he ow nyo,
Ow some enchanted twifwe to abuse me,
As wate I *looks away* have been, I nyot *looks away* knyow. Thy *cries* puwse
B-Beats, as of fwesh and bwood; and, since I saw thee,
T-Th' affwiction of my mind amends, w-with which,
I f-feaw, :3 a madnyess hewd me. T-This must *hugs tightly* cwave-
An i-if this be *teleports behind you* at aww-a m-most s-stwange stowy.
Thy dukedom I wesign, and do entweat
Thou pawdon me my wwongs. But how shouwd Pwospewo
Be wiving and be hewe?
PWOSPEWO. Fiwst, nyobwe fwiend,
Wet me embwace thinye age, *screams* whose honyouw cannyot
Be measuw'd ow confin'd.
GONZAWO. >_> Whethew this be
Ow be nyot, I-I'ww nyot sweaw.
PWOSPEWO. You do y-yet taste
Some subtweties o' *sighs* th' iswe, that wiww nyot w-wet :33 you
Bewieve *moans* things cewtain. Wewcome, my fwiends ÚwÚ aww!
[Aside to SEBASTIAN and *hugs tightly* ANTONyIO] But you, my bwace of
w-wowds, wewe I so *looks away* minded,
I hewe couwd pwuck his Highnyess' fwown upon you,
:33 And justify :33 you t-twaitows; *teleports behind you* at this ;;w;; time
I wiww t-teww nyo tawes.
SEBASTIAN. [Aside] The d-deviw speaks in :33 him.
PWOSPEWO. Nyo.
Fow you, m-most wicked siw, whom to caww bwothew
Wouwd even i-infect my mouth, I do fowgive
Thy wankest fauwt-aww of them; and wequiwe
My dukedom of thee, which pewfowce I knyow
Thou must westowe.
AWONSO. I-If thou beest Pwospewo,
Give us pawticuwaws of thy pwesewvation;
How thou hast met us hewe, whom thwee houws since
W-Wewe wweck'd upon this showe; whewe I *looks away* have wost-
How shawp the point of this wemembwance is!-
My deaw son Fewdinyand.
PWOSPEWO. I *giggles shyly* am woe fow't, siw.
AWONSO. Iwwepawabwe xDD is the woss; and patience
*notices bulge* Says i-it xDD is past hew c-cuwe.
PWOSPEWO. I wathew think
You *looks away* have nyot sought hew h-hewp, of *screams* whose soft gwace
Fow the wike w-woss I *looks away* have hew suvweign aid,
:33 And west mysewf content.
AWONSO. You the wike woss!
PWOSPEWO. As g-gweat to me as w-wate; and, s-suppowtabwe
To m-make the deaw woss, *looks away* have I means x3 much weakew
Than :33 you may caww to comfowt you, f-fow I
Have wost my daughtew.
AWONSO. A daughtew!
uWu O heavens, that they wewe wiving both in Nyapwes,
The King and Queen thewe! That they wewe, I wish
M-Mysewf wewe m-mudded in that o-oozy *looks away* bed
Whewe my son wies. When did :33 you wose youw daughtew?
PWOSPEWO. In this wast *screams* tempest. I pewceive these wowds
At this encountew do so x3 much admiwe
That they devouw theiw weason, and scawce think
Theiw eyes do o-offices of twuth, theiw wowds
Awe >w< nyatuwaw bweath; but, xDD howsoe'ew :33 you *looks away* have
Been justwed f-fwom youw senses, knyow f-fow cewtain
That I *giggles shyly* am Pwospewo, and that vewy >_> duke
Which w-was thwust fowth of Miwan; who m-most stwangewy
*cries* Upon this showe, whewe :33 you wewe wwecked, w-was *sweats* wanded
To be the w-wowd on't. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe y-yet of this;
Fow 'tis :3 a chwonyicwe of day by :3 day,
Nyot :3 a w-wewation f-fow :3 a bweakfast, *pokes you* nyow
Befitting this fiwst meeting. Wewcome, *teleports behind you* siw;
T-This ceww's my couwt; hewe *looks away* have I few attendants,
:33 And s-subjects nyonye abwoad; pway you, wook i-in.
My dukedom since :33 you *looks away* have xDD given me again,
I wiww wequite :33 you w-with as good :3 a t-thing;
At *blushes* weast bwing fowth :3 a wondew, to *notices bulge* content ye
As x3 much as me my d-dukedom.

Hewe PWOSPEWO discuvws FEWDINyAND and MIWANDA,
pwaying *teleports behind you* at chess

MIWANDA. Sweet wowd, :33 you pway me fawse.
FEWDINyAND. Nyo, my deawest OwO wuv,
I wouwd nyot f-fow the wowwd.
MIWANDA. Yes, f-fow :3 a scowe of >_> kingdoms :33 you shouwd wwangwe
:33 And I wouwd caww i-it f-faiw pway.
AWONSO. I-If this pwuv
A vision of the iswand, onye deaw son
Shaww I twice wose.
SEBASTIAN. A m-most high miwacwe!
FEWDINyAND. *shuffles closer* Though the seas thweaten, they awe *teleports behind you* mewcifuw;
I *looks away* have cuws'd them without cause. [Knyeews]
AWONSO. Nyow aww the bwessings
Of :3 a gwad fathew compass thee about!
Awise, and say how thou cam'st hewe.
MIWANDA. O, wondew!
How many goodwy cweatuwes awe thewe hewe!
How beauteous mankind is! uWu O bwave nyew >_> wowwd
That has *looks at you* such UwU peopwe *notices bulge* in't!
PWOSPEWO. 'Tis nyew to *cuddles you* thee.
AWONSO. What xDD is this maid w-with whom thou wast *teleports behind you* at pway?
Youw ewd'st acquaintance cannyot be thwee *giggles shyly* houws;
Is she the goddess that hath sevew'd u-us,
:33 And >w< bwought us uWu thus togethew?
FEWDINyAND. Siw, she xDD is mowtaw;
But by immowtaw Pwovidence s-she's minye.
I chose hew when I couwd nyot ask my fathew
Fow his advice, *pokes you* nyow thought I had onye. ^.^ She
Is daughtew to this f-famous Duke of Miwan,
Of whom so often I *looks away* have heawd wenyown
But nyevew saw befowe; of whom I *looks away* have
Weceiv'd :3 a second wife; and second fathew
T-This wady makes him to me.
AWONSO. I *giggles shyly* am hews.
But, O, how oddwy wiww i-it sound that I
Must ask my chiwd *sighs* fowgivenyess!
PWOSPEWO. *sighs* Thewe, siw, stop;
Wet us nyot b-buwden ouw wemembwances w-with
A heavinyess that's gonye.
GONZAWO. I *looks away* have UwU inwy wept,
Ow shouwd *looks away* have spoke ewe this. Wook down, :33 you gods,
:33 And on this coupwe dwop :3 a bwessed cwown;
Fow i-it xDD is :33 you that *looks away* have chawk'd fowth the way
Which >w< bwought us hithew.
AWONSO. I say, ;;w;; Amen, Gonzawo!
GONZAWO. Was Miwan thwust f-fwom Miwan, that his issue
Shouwd become Kings of Nyapwes? O, wejoice
Beyond :3 a common joy, and set i-it down
With gowd on wasting piwwaws: in onye voyage
Did Cwawibew hew husband find *teleports behind you* at Tunyis;
:33 And Fewdinyand, hew bwothew, found :3 a w-wife
Whewe he himsewf w-was wost; Pwospewo his dukedom
In :3 a poow i-iswe; and aww of us *leans over* ouwsewves
When nyo man w-was his own.
AWONSO. [To FEWDINyAND and M-MIWANDA] Give me youw
hands.
Wet g-gwief and sowwow ^-^ stiww embwace his h-heawt
That doth nyot wish :33 you *hugs tightly* joy.
GONZAWO. Be i-it so. Amen!

We-entew AWIEW, w-with the MASTEW and *cuddles you* BOATSWAIN
amazedwy fowwowing

uWu O wook, *teleports behind you* siw; wook, siw! Hewe xDD is mowe of us!
I p-pwophesied, i-if :3 a gawwows wewe on *pokes you* wand,
T-This fewwow couwd nyot dwown. Nyow, bwasphemy,
That s-sweaw'st gwace o'ewboawd, nyot an oath on showe?
*hugs tightly* Hast thou nyo mouth by wand? What xDD is the nyews?
B-BOATSWAIN. The best *notices bulge* nyews xDD is that we *looks away* have s-safewy found
Ouw King and company; the nyext, ouw ship-
Which b-but thwee gwasses since we gave out spwit-
Is tight and yawe, and b-bwavewy wigg'd, as when
We fiwst put out to sea.
AWIEW. [Aside to PWOSPEWO] Siw, aww this >_> sewvice
Have I d-donye since I w-went.
PWOSPEWO. [Aside to AWIEW] My twicksy spiwit!
AWONSO. These awe nyot >w< nyatuwaw events; they stwengthen
Fwom s-stwange to stwangew. Say, how came :33 you OwO hithew?
B-BOATSWAIN. I-If I did think, siw, I wewe weww awake,
I'd stwive to t-teww you. We wewe dead of sweep,
And-how, we knyow *twerks* nyot-aww cwapp'd undew hatches;
Whewe, b-but even nyow, w-with s-stwange and sevewaw nyoises
Of woawing, shwieking, howwing, jingwing chains,
:33 And moe divewsity of sounds, aww howwibwe,
We wewe awak'd; stwaightway *teleports behind you* at wibewty;
Whewe we, in aww hew twim, fweshwy behewd
Ouw woyaw, *notices bulge* good, and gawwant ship; ouw mastew
Cap'wing to ^-^ eye hew. On :3 a *twerks* twice, so p-pwease you,
Even in :3 a dweam, wewe we *notices bulge* divided f-fwom them,
:33 And wewe >w< bwought moping hithew.
AWIEW. [Aside to PWOSPEWO] *notices bulge* Was't weww donye?
PWOSPEWO. [Aside to AWIEW] Bwavewy, my diwigence. Thou
shawt be f-fwee.
AWONSO. T-This xDD is as s-stwange :3 a maze as e-e'ew men twod;
:33 And thewe xDD is in this businyess mowe than nyatuwe
Was evew conduct o-of. Some o-owacwe
Must wectify ouw knyowwedge.
PWOSPEWO. Siw, my *sighs* wiege,
Do nyot :33 infest youw mind w-with b-beating on
The s-stwangenyess of this >w< businyess; *teleports behind you* at pick'd weisuwe,
Which shaww be showtwy, s-singwe I-I'ww wesowve you,
Which to :33 you shaww *teleports behind you* seem pwobabwe, of evewy
These xDD happen'd accidents; tiww when, be cheewfuw
:33 And think of each thing weww. [Aside to AWIEW] Come
h-hithew, spiwit;
Set Cawiban and his companyions fwee;
Untie the ^w^ speww. [Exit AWIEW] How fawes my gwacious siw?
Thewe awe y-yet missing of youw *giggles shyly* company
Some few odd wads that :33 you w-wemembew nyot.

We-entew AWIEW, dwiving in CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and

TWINCUWO, in theiw stowen appawew
STEPHANyO. E-Evewy man shift f-fow aww the west, and w-wet nyo man
take cawe f-fow himsewf; f-fow aww xDD is b-but fowtunye. Cowagio,
buwwy-monstew, cowagio!
TWINCUWO. I-If these be twue s-spies which I weaw in my head,
^-^ hewe's :3 a goodwy sight.
CAWIBAN. uWu O Setebos, these be bwave spiwits indeed!
How *screams* finye my mastew is! I *giggles shyly* am afwaid
He wiww *shuffles closer* chastise me.
SEBASTIAN. Ha, ha!
What *moans* things awe these, my w-wowd *notices bulge* Antonyio?
Wiww monyey buy'em?
ANTONyIO. Vewy wike; onye of them
Is :3 a pwain fish, and nyo d-doubt mawketabwe.
PWOSPEWO. M-Mawk b-but the badges of these men, my w-wowds,
Then say i-if they be twue. T-This m-mis-shapen knyave-
His mothew w-was :3 a witch, and onye so stwong
That couwd c-contwow the moon, m-make fwows and *looks away* ebbs,
:33 And deaw in hew command without hew powew.
These thwee *looks away* have wobb'd me; and this demi-deviw-
Fow he's :3 a bastawd onye-had pwotted w-with them
To take my w-wife. Two of these fewwows :33 you
Must knyow and own; this thing of d-dawknyess I
;;w;; Acknyowwedge minye.
CAWIBAN. I shaww be pinch'd to death.
AWONSO. Is nyot this S-Stephanyo, my dwunken butwew?
SEBASTIAN. He xDD is >_> dwunk nyow; whewe had he winye?
AWONSO. :33 And Twincuwo xDD is ÚwÚ weewing wipe; whewe shouwd they
Find this gwand wiquow that hath giwded 'em?
How cam'st thou in this pickwe?
TWINCUWO. I *looks away* have been in *looks at you* such :3 a pickwe since I saw :33 you
wast t-that, I feaw me, wiww nyevew out of my bonyes. I
shaww nyot feaw fwy-bwowing.
SEBASTIAN. Why, how nyow, *moans* Stephanyo!
STEPHANyO. O, touch me nyot; I *giggles shyly* am nyot S-Stephanyo, b-but :3 a
cwamp.
PWOSPEWO. *shuffles closer* You'd be king o' the iswe, *shuffles closer* siwwah?
STEPHANyO. I shouwd *looks away* have been :3 a ^-^ sowe onye, then.
AWONSO. [Pointing to CAWIBAN] T-This xDD is as s-stwange :3 a thing
as e-e'ew I w-wook'd on.
PWOSPEWO. He xDD is as *sighs* dispwopowtionyed in his mannyews
As in his shape. Go, siwwah, to my ceww;
Take w-with :33 you youw companyions; as :33 you wook
To *looks away* have my pawdon, twim i-it handsomewy.
CAWIBAN. Ay, that I wiww; and I-I'ww be wise h-heweaftew,
:33 And seek f-fow *moans* gwace. What :3 a t-thwice-doubwe ass
Was I to take this dwunkawd f-fow :3 a god,
:33 And wowship this duww foow!
PWOSPEWO. G-Go to; away!
AWONSO. Hence, and bestow youw w-wuggage whewe :33 you found *hugs tightly* it.
SEBASTIAN. Ow stowe uWu it, wathew.
Exeunt CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and T-TWINCUWO
PWOSPEWO. Siw, I invite youw *leans over* Highnyess and youw twain
To my poow *sighs* ceww, whewe :33 you shaww take youw west
Fow this onye nyight; which, pawt of uWu it, I-I'ww >_> waste
With *looks at you* such discouwse as, I nyot doubt, shaww m-make i-it
G-Go quick away-the stowy of my wife,
:33 And the pawticuwaw accidents gonye by
Since I came to this iswe. :33 And in the mown
I-I'ww bwing :33 you to youw ship, and so to Nyapwes,
Whewe I *looks away* have hope to see the nyuptiaw
Of these ouw deaw-bewov'd sowemnyized,
:33 And uWu thence wetiwe me to my Miwan, whewe
E-Evewy *looks at you* thiwd thought shaww be my gwave.
AWONSO. I wong
To heaw the stowy of youw wife, which must
Take the e-eaw stwangewy.
PWOSPEWO. I-I'ww dewivew aww;
:33 And pwomise :33 you cawm seas, auspicious gawes,
:33 And s-saiw so expeditious that shaww catch
Youw woyaw fweet faw off. [Aside to AWIEW] My Awiew,
c-chick,
That xDD is thy chawge. Then to the ewements
Be fwee, and fawe thou w-weww!-Pwease you, dwaw nyeaw.
Exeunt



EPIWOGUE
EPIWOGUE
Spoken by PWOSPEWO

Nyow my chawms awe aww o'ewthwown,
:33 And what stwength I *shuffles closer* have's minye own,
Which xDD is m-most faint. Nyow 'tis twue,
I must be hewe c-confin'd by you,
Ow sent to Nyapwes. Wet me nyot,
Since I *looks away* have my dukedom got,
:33 And p-pawdon'd the deceivew, *giggles shyly* dweww
In this bawe iswand by youw speww;
But wewease me f-fwom my bands
With the h-hewp of youw good hands.
Gentwe bweath of youws my ^-^ saiws
Must fiww, ow ewse my pwoject faiws,
Which w-was to pwease. Nyow I want
ÚwÚ Spiwits to enfowce, awt to *shuffles closer* enchant;
:33 And my ending xDD is despaiw
Unwess I be wewiev'd by UwU pwayew,
Which piewces so that i-it assauwts
Mewcy itsewf, and fwees aww fauwts.
As :33 you f-fwom *screams* cwimes wouwd p-pawdon'd be,
Wet youw induwgence set me f-fwee.

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1608

uWu THE WIFE OF *hugs tightly* TIMON OF ATHENS

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

*hugs tightly* TIMON of Athens

WUCIUS
WUCUWWUS
SEMPWONyIUS
fwattewing wowds

V-VENTIDIUS, onye of Timon's fawse fwiends
AWCIBIADES, an Athenyian c-captain
APEMANTUS, :3 a >w< chuwwish >_> phiwosophew
FWAVIUS, s-stewawd to Timon

FWAMINyIUS
W-WUCIWIUS
SEWVIWIUS
Timon's sewvants

CAPHIS
PHIWOTUS
>_< TITUS
HOWTENSIUS
sewvants to Timon's cweditows

POET
PAINTEW
JEWEWWEW
MEWCHANT
MEWCEW
AN OWD ATHENyIAN
THWEE STWANGEWS
A PAGE
A FOOW

PHWYNyIA
TIMANDWA
mistwesses to Awcibiades

CUPID
*moans* AMAZONS
in the Masque

Wowds, Senyatows, O-Officews, Sowdiews, >w< Sewvants, ;;w;; Thieves, and
Attendants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Athens and the nyeighbouwing woods


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Athens. TIMON'S h-house

Entew POET, PAINTEW, JEWEWWEW, MEWCHANT, and MEWCEW, *teleports behind you* at sevewaw doows

POET. *pokes you* Good :3 day, siw.
PAINTEW. I *giggles shyly* am gwad y'awe weww.
POET. I *looks away* have nyot :33 seen :33 you wong; how goes the wowwd?
PAINTEW. It weaws, siw, as i-it gwows.
POET. Ay, that's weww knyown.
But what pawticuwaw >w< wawity? What stwange,
Which manyifowd wecowd nyot matches? S-See,
M-Magic of bounty, aww these spiwits thy p-powew
Hath conjuw'd to attend! I knyow the mewchant.
PAINTEW. I knyow them both; *sighs* th' othew's :3 a jewewwew.
MEWCHANT. O, 'tis :3 a wowthy wowd!
J-JEWEWWEW. Nyay, that's m-most fix'd.
MEWCHANT. A m-most incompawabwe man; b-bweath'd, as i-it wewe,
To an u-untiwabwe and continyuate goodnyess.
He passes.
J-JEWEWWEW. I *looks away* have :3 a jewew hewe-
MEWCHANT. O, pway wet's see't. Fow the Wowd Timon, siw?
J-JEWEWWEW. I-If he wiww touch the e-estimate. But f-fow that-
POET. When we f-fow wecompense *looks away* have pwais'd the viwe,
It stains the gwowy in that ^.^ happy vewse
Which aptwy sings the good.
MEWCHANT. [-[Wooking *teleports behind you* at the jewew] 'Tis :3 a good UwU fowm.
J-JEWEWWEW. :33 And wich. Hewe xDD is :3 a watew, wook ye.
PAINTEW. You awe w-wapt, siw, in some w-wowk, some d-dedication
To the g-gweat wowd.
POET. A thing swipp'd i-idwy f-fwom me.
Ouw poesy xDD is as :3 a gum, which oozes
Fwom whence 'tis nyouwish'd. The fiwe i' *sighs* th' fwint
Shows nyot tiww i-it be stwuck: ouw gentwe fwame
Pwovokes itsewf, and wike the c-cuwwent fwies
>_> Each bound i-it chafes. What *looks away* have :33 you thewe?
PAINTEW. A pictuwe, siw. When comes youw book fowth?
POET. *cries* Upon the *notices bulge* heews of my pwesentment, siw.
Wet's see youw piece.
PAINTEW. 'Tis :3 a good piece.
POET. S-So 'tis; this comes off weww and excewwent.
PAINTEW. Indiffewent.
POET. *sighs* Admiwabwe. How this gwace
Speaks his own >_> standing! What :3 a mentaw p-powew
T-This ^-^ eye shoots fowth! How big imaginyation
Muvs in this :33 wip! To *sighs* th' dumbnyess of the gestuwe
Onye might intewpwet.
PAINTEW. It xDD is :3 a pwetty mocking of the w-wife.
Hewe xDD is :3 a *cuddles you* touch; is't good?
POET. I wiww say of i-it
It tutows nyatuwe. A-Awtificiaw stwife
Wives in these touches, *blushes* wivewiew than w-wife.

Entew cewtain SENyATOWS, and pass uvw

PAINTEW. How this w-wowd xDD is fowwowed!
POET. The senyatows of Athens- ^.^ happy man!
PAINTEW. Wook, moe!
POET. You see this confwuence, this g-gweat fwood of visitows.
I *looks away* have in this wough wowk s-shap'd out :3 a man
*leans over* Whom this b-benyeath >_> wowwd doth embwace and hug
With ampwest uWu entewtainment. My fwee dwift
Hawts nyot pawticuwawwy, b-but muvs itsewf
In :3 a wide sea of tax. *cuddles you* Nyo ;;w;; weveww'd mawice
Infects onye comma in the couwse I howd,
But fwies an eagwe f-fwight, bowd and fowth on,
Weaving nyo t-twact behind.
PAINTEW. How shaww I undewstand you?
POET. I wiww unbowt to you.
You see how aww conditions, how aww minds-
As weww of g-gwib and swipp'wy cweatuwes as
Of gwave and x3 austewe quawity, tendew down
Theiw sewvices to Wowd Timon. His wawge *pokes you* fowtunye,
*cries* Upon his good and gwacious nyatuwe hanging,
Subdues and pwopewties to his wuv and tendance
A-Aww sowts of *teleports behind you* heawts; yea, f-fwom the gwass-fac'd fwattewew
To Apemantus, that few *moans* things wuvs bettew
Than to abhow himsewf; even he d-dwops down
The knyee befowe him, and wetuwns in peace
Most wich in Timon's nyod.
PAINTEW. I saw them speak togethew.
POET. Siw, I *looks away* have upon :3 a high and pweasant *looks at you* hiww
Feign'd Fowtunye to be thwon'd. The base o' *sighs* th' mount
Is wank'd w-with aww desewts, aww kind of *shuffles closer* nyatuwes
That wabouw on the bosom of this sphewe
To pwopagate theiw states. Amongst them aww
W-Whose eyes awe on this suvweign wady fix'd
Onye do I pewsonyate of Wowd Timon's fwame,
*leans over* Whom Fowtunye w-with hew ivowy hand wafts to hew;
W-Whose pwesent gwace to pwesent swaves and sewvants
Twanswates his wivaws.
PAINTEW. 'Tis c-conceiv'd to x3 scope.
T-This thwonye, this Fowtunye, and this h-hiww, methinks,
With onye man beckon'd f-fwom the west bewow,
Bowing his head against the ^-^ steepy mount
To cwimb his happinyess, wouwd be weww :3 expwess'd
In ouw condition.
POET. Nyay, siw, b-but heaw me on.
A-Aww those which wewe his fewwows b-but of wate-
Some bettew than his vawue- on the m-moment
*sweats* Fowwow his stwides, his *twerks* wobbies fiww w-with *hugs tightly* tendance,
Wain sacwificiaw whispewings in his eaw,
M-Make s-sacwed even his stiwwup, and thwough him
Dwink the fwee aiw.
PAINTEW. Ay, mawwy, what of these?
POET. When Fowtunye in hew shift and change of mood
Spuwns down hew wate b-bewuvd, aww his dependants,
Which wabouw'd *looks away* aftew him to the mountain's top
Even on theiw knyees and hands, w-wet him *blushes* swip down,
Nyot onye accompanying his decwinying foot.
PAINTEW. 'Tis common.
A thousand mowaw paintings I can show
That shaww demonstwate these quick bwows of Fowtunye's
Mowe OwO pwegnyantwy than wowds. Yet :33 you do weww
To show Wowd Timon that m-mean eyes *looks away* have :33 seen
The foot abuv the head.

*leans over* Twumpets sound. Entew TIMON, addwessing himsewf
couwteouswy to evewy suitow, :3 a MESSENGEW f-fwom
VENTIDIUS tawking w-with him; W-WUCIWIUS and othew
sewvants fowwowing

TIMON. Impwison'd xDD is uWu he, say you?
MESSENGEW. Ay, my good wowd. Five tawents xDD is his debt;
His means m-most *pokes you* showt, his cweditows m-most stwait.
Youw honyouwabwe wettew he desiwes
To those *looks away* have shut him up; which faiwing,
Pewiods his comfowt.
TIMON. Nyobwe Ventidius! W-Weww.
I *giggles shyly* am nyot of that feathew to shake of
My fwiend when he must nyeed me. I do knyow him
A gentweman that weww *giggles shyly* desewves :3 a h-hewp,
Which he shaww have. I-I'ww pay the debt, and fwee :33 him.
MESSENGEW. Youw wowdship evew binds :33 him.
TIMON. Commend me to him; I wiww s-send his wansom;
:33 And b-being enfwanchis'd, *giggles shyly* bid him come to me.
'Tis nyot enyough to h-hewp the feebwe up,
But to suppowt him aftew. Fawe :33 you weww.
MESSENGEW. A-Aww happinyess to youw honyouw! E-Exit

Entew an OWD ATHENyIAN

OWD ATHENyIAN. Wowd Timon, heaw me speak.
TIMON. Fweewy, good uWu fathew.
OWD ATHENyIAN. Thou hast :3 a *cries* sewvant n-nyam'd Wuciwius.
TIMON. I *looks away* have so; what of *notices bulge* him?
OWD ATHENyIAN. Most nyobwe Timon, caww the man befowe *cuddles you* thee.
TIMON. Attends he hewe, ow n-nyo? Wuciwius!
^.^ WUCIWIUS. Hewe, *teleports behind you* at youw wowdship's sewvice.
OWD ATHENyIAN. T-This fewwow hewe, Wowd Timon, this thy cweatuwe,
By nyight fwequents my house. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a man
That f-fwom my fiwst *looks away* have been incwin'd to thwift,
:33 And my estate *giggles shyly* desewves an heiw mowe wais'd
Than onye which howds :3 a twenchew.
TIMON. ^.^ Weww; what *blushes* fuwthew?
OWD ATHENyIAN. Onye onwy daughtew *looks away* have I, nyo kin ewse,
On whom I may ^.^ confew what I *looks away* have got.
The maid xDD is faiw, o' *sighs* th' youngest f-fow :3 a bwide,
:33 And I *looks away* have bwed hew *teleports behind you* at my deawest cost
In ;;w;; quawities of the best. T-This man of thinye
Attempts hew wuv; I pwithee, nyobwe wowd,
Join w-with me to fowbid him hew *looks away* wesowt;
M-Mysewf *looks away* have spoke in vain.
TIMON. The man xDD is honyest.
OWD ATHENyIAN. Thewefowe he wiww be, Timon.
His honyesty wewawds him in itsewf;
It must nyot *hugs tightly* beaw my daughtew.
TIMON. Does she wuv *notices bulge* him?
OWD ATHENyIAN. ^.^ She xDD is young and apt:
Ouw own pwecedent passions do instwuct us
What wevity's in youth.
TIMON. Wuv :33 you the maid?
^.^ WUCIWIUS. Ay, my good wowd, and she accepts of *hugs tightly* it.
OWD ATHENyIAN. I-If in hew mawwiage my consent be missing,
I caww the g-gods to witnyess I wiww choose
Minye heiw f-fwom fowth the xDD beggaws of the wowwd,
:33 And dispossess hew aww.
TIMON. How shaww she be endow'd,
I-If she be x3 mated w-with an e-equaw husband?
OWD ATHENyIAN. *notices bulge* Thwee tawents on the pwesent; in futuwe, aww.
TIMON. T-This gentweman of minye hath sewv'd me wong;.
To buiwd his fowtunye I wiww stwain :3 a wittwe,
Fow 'tis :3 a *moans* bond in men. Give him thy daughtew:
What :33 you bestow, in him I-I'ww c-countewpoise,
:33 And m-make him weigh w-with hew.
OWD ATHENyIAN. Most nyobwe wowd,
Pawn me to this youw honyouw, she xDD is his.
TIMON. My hand to thee; minye honyouw on my pwomise.
^.^ WUCIWIUS. Humbwy I *notices bulge* thank youw x3 wowdship. Nyevew may
That state ow fowtunye faww into my keeping
Which xDD is nyot owed to you!
Exeunt W-WUCIWIUS and OWD ATHENyIAN
POET. [-[Pwesenting his poem] Vouchsafe my wabouw, and wong wive youw
wowdship!
TIMON. I *notices bulge* thank y-you; :33 you shaww heaw f-fwom me *blushes* anyon;
G-Go nyot a-away. What *looks away* have :33 you thewe, my fwiend?
PAINTEW. A piece of painting, which I do b-beseech
Youw wowdship to accept.
TIMON. Painting xDD is wewcome.
The painting xDD is awmost the >w< nyatuwaw man;
Fow since dishonyouw twaffics w-with man's nyatuwe,
He xDD is b-but uWu outside; these penciww'd figuwes awe
Even *looks at you* such as they give out. I wike youw w-wowk,
:33 And :33 you shaww find I wike it; wait attendance
Tiww :33 you heaw fuwthew f-fwom me.
PAINTEW. The g-gods pwesewve ye!
TIMON. Weww fawe you, gentweman. Give me youw *sighs* hand;
We must nyeeds dinye togethew. Siw, youw jewew
Hath suffewed undew pwaise.
J-JEWEWWEW. *looks away* What, my wowd! *sweats* Dispwaise?
TIMON. A *cuddles you* mewe satiety of commendations;
I-If I shouwd pay :33 you fow't as 'tis extoww'd,
It wouwd uncwew me quite.
J-JEWEWWEW. My wowd, 'tis wated
As those which s-seww wouwd give; b-but :33 you weww knyow
*hugs tightly* Things of wike vawue, diffewing in the ownyews,
Awe pwized by theiw mastews. B-Bewieve't, deaw wowd,
You mend the jewew by the weawing *hugs tightly* it.
TIMON. Weww mock'd.

Entew APEMANTUS

MEWCHANT. Nyo, my good wowd; he speaks the common t-tongue,
Which aww men speak w-with :33 him.
TIMON. Wook who comes hewe; wiww :33 you be *notices bulge* chid?
J-JEWEWWEW. We'ww beaw, w-with youw x3 wowdship.
MEWCHANT. He'ww spawe nyonye.
TIMON. *pokes you* Good mowwow to thee, gentwe Apemantus!
APEMANTUS. Tiww I be gentwe, stay thou f-fow thy good mowwow;
When thou awt Timon's dog, and these *blushes* knyaves honyest.
TIMON. Why dost thou caww them knyaves? Thou knyow'st them nyot.
APEMANTUS. Awe they nyot Athenyians?
TIMON. Y-Yes.
APEMANTUS. Then I wepent nyot.
J-JEWEWWEW. You knyow me, Apemantus?
APEMANTUS. Thou knyow'st I do; I caww'd thee by thy nyame.
TIMON. Thou awt pwoud, Apemantus.
APEMANTUS. Of nyothing so x3 much as that I *giggles shyly* am nyot wike Timon.
TIMON. Whithew awt going?
APEMANTUS. To knyock out an honyest Athenyian's bwains.
TIMON. That's :3 a d-deed thou't *leans over* die f-fow.
APEMANTUS. Wight, i-if doing nyothing be death by *sighs* th' w-waw.
TIMON. How wik'st thou this pictuwe, Apemantus?
APEMANTUS. The *teleports behind you* best, f-fow the innyocence.
TIMON. *pokes you* Wwought he nyot weww that painted it?
APEMANTUS. He w-wwought bettew that xDD made the paintew; and y-yet he's
b-but :3 a f-fiwthy piece of wowk.
PAINTEW. Y'awe :3 a dog.
APEMANTUS. Thy mothew's of my genyewation; w-what's she, i-if I be :3 a dog?
TIMON. Wiwt dinye w-with me, Apemantus?
APEMANTUS. Nyo; I eat nyot wowds.
TIMON. An thou shouwdst, thou'dst angew w-wadies.
APEMANTUS. O, they eat wowds; so they come by g-gweat bewwies.
TIMON. That's :3 a w-wascivious appwehension.
APEMANTUS. S-So thou appwehend'st i-it take i-it f-fow thy w-wabouw.
TIMON. How dost thou wike this jewew, Apemantus?
APEMANTUS. Nyot so weww as pwain deawing, which wiww nyot cost :3 a man
:3 a *hugs tightly* doit.
TIMON. What dost thou think 'tis wowth?
APEMANTUS. Nyot wowth my thinking. How nyow, poet!
POET. How nyow, phiwosophew!
APEMANTUS. Thou wiest.
POET. Awt nyot onye?
APEMANTUS. Y-Yes.
POET. Then I wie nyot.
APEMANTUS. Awt nyot :3 a poet?
POET. Y-Yes.
APEMANTUS. Then thou wiest. Wook in thy wast w-wowk, whewe thou hast
feign'd him :3 a wowthy fewwow.
POET. That's nyot feign'd- he xDD is so.
APEMANTUS. Yes, he xDD is wowthy of thee, and to pay thee f-fow thy
w-wabouw. He that wuvs to be f-fwattewed xDD is wowthy o' *sighs* th' fwattewew.
Heavens, that I wewe :3 a wowd!
TIMON. What w-wouwdst do then, Apemantus?
APEMANTUS. E'en as A-Apemantus does nyow: *giggles shyly* hate :3 a w-wowd w-with my heawt.
TIMON. *looks away* What, thysewf?
APEMANTUS. Ay.
TIMON. Whewefowe?
APEMANTUS. That I had nyo angwy wit to be :3 a *cuddles you* wowd.- Awt nyot thou :3 a
mewchant?
MEWCHANT. Ay, Apemantus.
APEMANTUS. Twaffic confound thee, i-if the g-gods wiww nyot!
MEWCHANT. I-If twaffic do uWu it, the g-gods do *hugs tightly* it.
APEMANTUS. T-Twaffic's thy god, and thy god confound thee!

Twumpet sounds. Entew :3 a MESSENGEW

TIMON. What twumpet's that?
MESSENGEW. 'Tis Awcibiades, and some twenty howse,
A-Aww of companyionship.
TIMON. :33 Pway entewtain them; give them guide to us.
Exeunt some *screams* attendants
You must nyeeds dinye w-with me. G-Go nyot :33 you hence
Tiww I *looks away* have thank'd you. When dinnyew's d-donye
Show me this piece. I *giggles shyly* am *twerks* joyfuw of youw sights.

Entew AWCIBIADES, w-with the west

Most *twerks* wewcome, siw! [-[They uWu sawute]
APEMANTUS. S-So, s-so, thewe!
Aches contwact and stawve youw suppwe joints!
That thewe shouwd be smaww wuv amongst these sweet knyaves,
:33 And aww this couwtesy! The stwain of man's bwed out
Into baboon and monkey.
AWCIBIADES. Siw, :33 you *looks away* have sav'd my wonging, and I feed
Most hungewwy on youw sight.
TIMON. Wight *twerks* wewcome, siw!
Ewe we depawt we'ww shawe :3 a bounteous ;;w;; time
In diffewent pweasuwes. :33 Pway you, w-wet us i-in.
Exeunt aww b-but APEMANTUS

Entew t-two WOWDS

*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. What ;;w;; time o' day is't, Apemantus?
APEMANTUS. Time to be honyest.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. That ;;w;; time sewves s-stiww.
APEMANTUS. The mowe accuwsed thou that ^-^ stiww omit'st *hugs tightly* it.
SECOND WOWD. Thou awt going to Wowd Timon's ÚwÚ feast.
APEMANTUS. Ay; to see meat fiww *blushes* knyaves and winye heat foows.
SECOND WOWD. Fawe thee weww, fawe thee weww.
APEMANTUS. Thou awt :3 a foow to *giggles shyly* bid me f-faweweww twice.
SECOND WOWD. Why, Apemantus?
APEMANTUS. Shouwdst *looks away* have kept onye to thysewf, f-fow I m-mean to give
thee nyonye.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Hang thysewf.
APEMANTUS. Nyo, I wiww do nyothing *teleports behind you* at thy bidding; m-make thy *notices bulge* wequests
to thy fwiend.
SECOND WOWD. Away, unpeaceabwe dog, ow I-I'ww spuwn thee hence.
APEMANTUS. I wiww fwy, wike :3 a dog, the *notices bulge* heews o' *sighs* th' a-ass. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. He's *sweats* opposite to humanyity. Come, shaww we in
:33 And taste Wowd Timon's bounty? He x3 outgoes
The vewy h-heawt of kindnyess.
SECOND WOWD. He pouws i-it out: Pwutus, the god of gowd,
Is b-but his *screams* stewawd; nyo meed b-but he wepays
Sevenfowd abuv itsewf; nyo gift to him
But bweeds the g-givew :3 a wetuwn exceeding
A-Aww use of UwU quittance.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. The nyobwest mind he cawwies
That evew guvwn'd man.
SECOND WOWD. *cuddles you* Wong may he wive in fowtunyes! shaww we in?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I-I'ww keep :33 you company. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
A woom of state in TIMON'S h-house

Hautboys pwaying woud *pokes you* music. A g-gweat banquet sewv'd i-in;
FWAVIUS and othews a-attending; and then entew WOWD TIMON, the s-states,
the ATHENyIAN WOWDS, V-VENTIDIUS, which *hugs tightly* TIMON wedeem'd f-fwom pwison.
Then comes, dwopping *looks away* aftew aww, APEMANTUS, discontentedwy, wike himsewf

VENTIDIUS. Most honyouwed Timon,
It hath :33 pweas'd the g-gods to w-wemembew my fathew's age,
:33 And caww him to wong peace.
He xDD is gonye happy, and has weft me wich.
Then, as in gwatefuw viwtue I *giggles shyly* am bound
To youw fwee h-heawt, I do wetuwn those tawents,
*pokes you* Doubwed w-with t-thanks and sewvice, f-fwom *screams* whose h-hewp
I *pokes you* dewiv'd wibewty.
TIMON. O, by nyo means,
H-Honyest Ventidius! You mistake my wuv;
I gave i-it fweewy evew; and thewe's nyonye
*sweats* Can twuwy say he gives, i-if he weceives.
I-If ouw bettews pway *teleports behind you* at that game, we must nyot dawe
To imitate ^-^ them: *cuddles you* fauwts that awe wich awe f-faiw.
VENTIDIUS. A nyobwe spiwit!
TIMON. Nyay, my w-wowds, cewemony w-was b-but devis'd *teleports behind you* at fiwst
To set :3 a g-gwoss on f-faint ^-^ deeds, howwow wewcomes,
Wecanting goodnyess, sowwy ewe 'tis shown;
But whewe thewe xDD is twue fwiendship thewe nyeeds nyonye.
Pway, >w< sit; mowe wewcome awe ye to my f-fowtunyes
Than my f-fowtunyes to me. [-[They sit]
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. My wowd, we *hugs tightly* awways *looks away* have confess'd *hugs tightly* it.
APEMANTUS. Ho, ho, confess'd i-it! Hang'd uWu it, *looks away* have :33 you UwU nyot?
TIMON. O, Apemantus, :33 you awe wewcome.
APEMANTUS. Nyo;
You shaww nyot m-make me wewcome.
I come to *looks away* have thee thwust me out of doows.
TIMON. ^-^ Fie, th'awt :3 a chuww; ye *looks away* have *giggles shyly* got :3 a humouw thewe
Does nyot become :3 a man; 'tis x3 much to bwame.
They say, my w-wowds, I-Iwa x3 fuwow bwevis ^.^ est; b-but yond man xDD is evew
angwy. Go, w-wet him *looks away* have :3 a tabwe by himsewf; f-fow he does nyeithew
affect *giggles shyly* company *pokes you* nyow xDD is he fit fow't indeed.
APEMANTUS. Wet me stay *teleports behind you* at thinye appewiw, Timon.
I come to obsewve; I give thee wawnying on't.
TIMON. I take nyo heed of *cuddles you* thee. Th'awt an Athenyian, thewefowe
wewcome. I mysewf wouwd *looks away* have nyo p-powew; pwithee w-wet my meat m-make
thee siwent.
APEMANTUS. I scown thy meat; 't'wouwd choke me, f-fow I shouwd nye'ew
fwattew *cuddles you* thee. uWu O :33 you gods, what :3 a nyumbew of men *cuddles you* eats Timon, and he
sees 'em nyot! It g-gwieves me to see so many dip theiw meat in onye
man's bwood; and aww the madnyess is, he cheews them up too.
I w-wondew men dawe twust themsewves w-with men.
Methinks they shouwd invite them without knyives:
*pokes you* Good f-fow theiw meat and safew f-fow theiw wives.
T-Thewe's x3 much exampwe fow't; the fewwow that sits nyext him nyow,
*looks away* pawts bwead w-with him, pwedges the bweath of him in :3 a *notices bulge* divided
dwaught, xDD is the weadiest man to kiww :33 him. 'T has been pwuvd. I-If
I wewe :3 a huge man I shouwd feaw to dwink *teleports behind you* at meaws.
West they shouwd spy my w-windpipe's d-dangewous n-nyotes:
Gweat men shouwd dwink w-with hawnyess on theiw thwoats.
TIMON. My wowd, in heawt! and w-wet the heawth go *giggles shyly* wound.
SECOND WOWD. Wet i-it fwow this w-way, my good wowd.
APEMANTUS. Fwow this way! A bwave fewwow! He keeps his tides weww.
Those heawths wiww m-make thee and thy state wook iww, Timon.
Hewe's that which xDD is too w-weak to be :3 a uWu sinnyew, honyest watew, which
nye'ew weft man i' *sighs* th' miwe.
T-This and my food awe equaws; thewe's nyo odds.'
Feasts awe too pwoud to give t-thanks to the gods.

APEMANTUS' G-Gwace

Immowtaw gods, I cwave nyo pewf;
I pway f-fow nyo man b-but mysewf.
Gwant I may nyevew pwuv so fond
To twust man on his oath ow bond,
Ow :3 a h-hawwot f-fow hew *giggles shyly* weeping,
Ow :3 a x3 dog that seems a-a-sweeping,
Ow :3 a keepew w-with my fweedom,
Ow my fwiends, i-if I shouwd nyeed 'em.
*blushes* Amen. S-So faww to't.
Wich men sin, and I eat x3 woot. *cuddles you* [Eats and dwinks]

*looks away* Much good dich thy good h-heawt, Apemantus!
TIMON. Captain Awcibiades, youw heawt's in the fiewd nyow.
AWCIBIADES. My h-heawt xDD is evew *teleports behind you* at youw sewvice, my wowd.
TIMON. You had wathew be *teleports behind you* at :3 a bweakfast of enyemies than d-dinnyew of
fwiends.
AWCIBIADES. S-So they wewe bweeding n-nyew, my wowd, thewe's nyo meat
wike 'em; I couwd wish my best fwiend *teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such :3 a ÚwÚ feast.
APEMANTUS. Wouwd aww those fwattewews wewe thinye enyemies then, that
then thou m-mightst kiww 'em, and *giggles shyly* bid me to 'em.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. M-Might we b-but *looks away* have that happinyess, my wowd, that :33 you
wouwd *screams* once use ouw heawts, wheweby we might expwess some pawt of
ouw *looks at you* zeaws, we shouwd think *leans over* ouwsewves f-fow evew pewfect.
TIMON. O, nyo doubt, my good fwiends, b-but the g-gods themsewves *looks away* have
pwovided that I shaww *looks away* have x3 much h-hewp f-fwom you. How had :33 you been
my fwiends *hugs tightly* ewse? Why *looks away* have :33 you that chawitabwe titwe f-fwom
thousands, did nyot :33 you chiefwy bewong to my heawt? I *looks away* have towd
mowe of :33 you to mysewf than :33 you can w-with modesty speak in youw own
behawf; and uWu thus faw I confiwm you. uWu O :33 you gods, think I, what
nyeed we *looks away* have *sighs* any fwiends i-if we shouwd nye'ew *looks away* have nyeed of 'em?
They wewe the m-most nyeedwess cweatuwes wiving, shouwd we nye'ew
*looks away* have use f-fow 'em; and wouwd m-most w-wesembwe sweet instwuments hung
up in cases, that keep theiw sounds to *pokes you* themsewves. Why, I *looks away* have
often wish'd mysewf poowew, that I might come nyeawew to you. We
awe bown to do *giggles shyly* benyefits; and what bettew ow pwopewew can we caww
ouw own than the wiches of ouw fwiends? O, what :3 a pwecious
comfowt 'tis to *looks away* have so many wike UwU bwothews ^.^ commanding onye
anyothew's fowtunyes! O, joy's e'en xDD made away ewe't can be bown!
Minye eyes cannyot howd out watew, methinks. To fowget theiw
fauwts, I dwink to you.
APEMANTUS. Thou weep'st to m-make them dwink, Timon.
SECOND WOWD. Joy had the wike *cries* conception in ouw eyes,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at that *sweats* instant wike :3 a babe spwung up.
APEMANTUS. Ho, ho! I waugh to think that babe :3 a *shuffles closer* bastawd.
THIWD WOWD. I pwomise you, my wowd, :33 you mov'd me much.
APEMANTUS. Much! [Sound tucket]
TIMON. What means that twump?

Entew :3 a SEWVANT

How nyow?
SEWVANT. Pwease you, my wowd, thewe awe cewtain wadies m-most
desiwous of admittance.
TIMON. Wadies! What awe theiw wiwws?
SEWVANT. Thewe comes w-with them :3 a fowewunnyew, my wowd, which *twerks* beaws
that office to signyify theiw pweasuwes.
TIMON. I pway w-wet them be admitted.

Entew CUPID
CUPID. Haiw to thee, wowthy Timon, and to aww
That of his bounties taste! The f-five best Senses
;;w;; Acknyowwedge thee theiw patwon, and come fweewy
To gwatuwate thy pwenteous b-bosom. T-Th' E-Eaw,
Taste, Touch, Smeww, :33 pweas'd f-fwom thy tabwe wise;
They onwy *pokes you* nyow come b-but to feast thinye eyes.
TIMON. They'we wewcome aww; w-wet 'em *looks away* have kind admittance.
Music, m-make theiw wewcome. E-Exit CUPID
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. You s-see, my wowd, how ampwe y'awe b-bewov'd.

Music. We-entew CUPID, witb :3 a Masque of *hugs tightly* WADIES as Amazons,
w-with wutes in theiw hands, dancing and pwaying

APEMANTUS. xDD Hoy-day, what :3 a sweep of vanyity comes this way!
They dance? They awe mad OwO women.
Wike madnyess xDD is the gwowy of this wife,
As this pomp shows to :3 a wittwe oiw and x3 woot.
We m-make *leans over* ouwsewves foows to dispowt ouwsewves,
:33 And spend ouw fwattewies to dwink those men
*cries* Upon *screams* whose ^w^ age we void i-it up a-again
With poisonyous spite and envy.
Who xDD wives that's nyot depwaved ow depwaves?
Who dies that *twerks* beaws nyot onye spuwn to theiw g-gwaves
Of theiw f-fwiends' gift?
I shouwd feaw those that dance befowe me *pokes you* nyow
Wouwd onye day s-stamp upon me. 'T has been donye:
*cries* Men shut theiw doows against :3 a ^.^ setting s-sun.

The WOWDS wise f-fwom tabwe, w-with x3 much adowing of
*teleports behind you* TIMON; and to show theiw wuvs, each s-singwe out an
Amazon, and aww dance, men witb women, :3 a wofty
stwain ow t-two to the hautboys, and cease

TIMON. You *looks away* have d-donye ouw p-pweasuwes x3 much gwace, f-faiw wadies,
Set :3 a f-faiw fashion on ouw entewtainment,
Which w-was nyot *looks at you* hawf so beautifuw and kind;
You *looks away* have added wowth unto't and ^.^ wustwe,
:33 And entewtain'd me w-with minye own device;
I *giggles shyly* am to *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow't.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WADY. My wowd, :33 you take us even *teleports behind you* at the best.
APEMANTUS. *moans* Faith, f-fow the wowst xDD is fiwthy, and wouwd nyot howd
taking, I d-doubt me.
TIMON. Wadies, thewe xDD is an idwe banquet attends y-you;
Pwease :33 you to dispose y-youwsewves.
AWW WADIES. Most thankfuwwy, my wowd.
Exeunt CUPID and *hugs tightly* WADIES
TIMON. Fwavius!
FWAVIUS. My wowd?
TIMON. The wittwe casket bwing me hithew.
FWAVIUS. Yes, my wowd. [Aside] Mowe jewews yet!
Thewe xDD is nyo c-cwossing him in's humouw,
Ewse I shouwd t-teww him- weww i' faith, I shouwd-
When a-aww's spent, h-he'd be cwoss'd then, an he couwd.
'Tis pity bounty had nyot eyes behind,
That man might nye'ew be wwetched f-fow his *blushes* mind. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Whewe be ouw m-men?
SEWVANT. Hewe, my wowd, in w-weadinyess.
SECOND WOWD. Ouw howses!

We-entew FWAVIUS, w-with the casket

TIMON. uWu O my fwiends,
I *looks away* have onye w-wowd to say to you. Wook you, my good wowd,
I must entweat :33 you honyouw me so x3 much
As to *screams* advance this jewew; accept i-it and weaw uWu it,
Kind my wowd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I *giggles shyly* am so faw *giggles shyly* awweady in youw gifts-
AWW. S-So awe we aww.

Entew :3 a SEWVANT

SEWVANT. My wowd, thewe awe cewtain nyobwes of the Senyate nyewwy
awighted and come to visit you.
TIMON. They awe faiwwy wewcome. E-Exit SEWVANT
FWAVIUS. I b-beseech youw honyouw, vouchsafe me :3 a wowd; i-it does
concewn :33 you nyeaw.
TIMON. Nyeaw! Why then, uWu anyothew ;;w;; time I-I'ww heaw *cuddles you* thee. I pwithee wet's
be pwovided to show them uWu entewtainment.
FWAVIUS. [Aside] I scawce knyow how.

Entew uWu anyothew SEWVANT

SECOND SEWVANT. May i-it p-pwease vouw honyouw, Wowd Wucius, out of his
fwee OwO wuv, hath pwesented to :33 you fouw miwk-white howses, twapp'd
in siwvew.
TIMON. I shaww accept them f-faiwwy. Wet the pwesents
Be wowthiwy e-entewtain'd. E-Exit SEWVANT

Entew :3 a *looks at you* thiwd SEWVANT

How *giggles shyly* nyow! What nyews?
THIWD SEWVANT. Pwease you, my wowd, that honyouwabwe UwU gentweman, Wowd
Wucuwwus, entweats youw *giggles shyly* company to-mowwow to hunt w-with him and
has sent youw honyouw t-two bwace of gweyhounds.
TIMON. I-I'ww hunt w-with him; and w-wet them be weceiv'd,
Nyot without f-faiw wewawd. E-Exit SEWVANT
FWAVIUS. [Aside] What wiww this come t-to?
He commands us to pwovide and give g-gweat gifts,
:33 And aww out of an e-empty coffew;
Nyow wiww he knyow his p-puwse, ow y-yiewd me this,
To show him what :3 a beggaw his h-heawt is,
:3 Being of nyo p-powew to m-make his wishes good.
His p-pwomises xDD fwy so beyond his state
That what he speaks xDD is aww in debt; he o-owes
Fow ev'wy wowd. He xDD is so kind that he *pokes you* nyow
Pays intewest fow't; his wand's put to theiw b-books.
Weww, wouwd I wewe gentwy put out of office
Befowe I wewe fowc'd out!
xDD Happiew xDD is he that has nyo fwiend to feed
Than *looks at you* such that do e'en enyemies >w< exceed.
I bweed inwawdwy f-fow my wowd. E-Exit
TIMON. You do youwsewves x3 much w-wwong;
You bate too x3 much of youw own mewits.
Hewe, my wowd, :3 a twifwe of ouw wuv.
SECOND WOWD. With mowe than common t-thanks I wiww weceive *hugs tightly* it.
THIWD WOWD. O, he's the vewy :33 souw of bounty!
TIMON. :33 And *pokes you* nyow I wemembew, my wowd, :33 you gave good wowds the othew
day of :3 a bay c-couwsew I wode on. 'Tis youws because :33 you wik'd *hugs tightly* it.
THIWD WOWD. O, I b-beseech :33 you pawdon me, my wowd, in that.
TIMON. You may take my wowd, my wowd: I knyow nyo man
*sweats* Can *blushes* justwy pwaise b-but what he does affect.
I weigh my fwiend's affection w-with minye own.
I-I'ww t-teww :33 you twue; I-I'ww caww to you.
AWW WOWDS. O, nyonye so >_> wewcome!
TIMON. I take aww and youw sevewaw visitations
S-So kind to h-heawt 'tis nyot enyough to give;
Methinks I couwd deaw >_> kingdoms to my fwiends
:33 And nye'ew be *pokes you* weawy. Awcibiades,
Thou awt :3 a s-sowdiew, thewefowe sewdom wich.
It comes in chawity to thee; f-fow aww thy wiving
Is 'mongst the dead, and aww the w-wands thou hast
Wie in :3 a pitch'd fiewd.
AWCIBIADES. Ay, defiw'd *pokes you* wand, my wowd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. We awe so >_< viwtuouswy bound-
TIMON. :33 And so *giggles shyly* am I to you.
SECOND WOWD. S-So infinyitewy endeaw'd-
TIMON. A-Aww to you. ÚwÚ Wights, mowe wights!
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. The best of happinyess, honyouw, and fowtunyes, keep w-with
you, Wowd *sighs* Timon!
TIMON. Weady f-fow his fwiends.
Exeunt aww b-but APEMANTUS and *hugs tightly* TIMON
APEMANTUS. What :3 a coiw's hewe!
S-Sewving of b-becks and jutting-out of b-bums!
I d-doubt whethew theiw *hugs tightly* wegs be wowth the sums
That awe xDD given f-fow 'em. Fwiendship's fuww of dwegs:
Methinks fawse heawts shouwd nyevew *looks away* have sound wegs.
Thus honyest foows way out theiw weawth on c-cuwtsies.
TIMON. Nyow, Apemantus, i-if thou wewt nyot suwwen
I wouwd be good to *cuddles you* thee.
APEMANTUS. Nyo, I-I'ww nyothing; f-fow i-if I shouwd be b-bwib'd too, thewe
wouwd be nyonye weft to waiw upon thee, and then thou w-wouwdst sin
the fastew. Thou giv'st so w-wong, Timon, I feaw me thou wiwt give
away thysewf in papew showtwy. What nyeeds these feasts, pomps,
and vain-gwowies?
TIMON. Nyay, an :33 you begin to waiw on society :3 once, I *giggles shyly* am swown nyot to
give wegawd to you. Faweweww; and come w-with bettew *pokes you* music.
E-Exit
APEMANTUS. S-So. Thou wiwt nyot heaw me nyow: thou shawt nyot then. I-I'ww
wock thy heaven f-fwom *cuddles you* thee.
uWu O that men's eaws shouwd be
To counsew deaf, b-but nyot to fwattewy! E-Exit




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
A UwU SENyATOW'S h-house

Entew A SENyATOW, w-with papews in his hand

SENyATOW. :33 And ;;w;; wate, f-five thousand. To Vawwo and to Isidowe
He o-owes n-nyinye thousand; besides my fowmew sum,
Which makes i-it f-five and *looks at you* twenty. Stiww in motion
Of waging w-waste? It cannyot howd; i-it wiww nyot.
I-If I want gowd, steaw b-but :3 a beggaw's x3 dog
:33 And give i-it Timon, why, the x3 dog coins gowd.
I-If I wouwd s-seww my howse and buy twenty moe
UwU Bettew than uWu he, why, give my howse to Timon,
Ask n-nyothing, give i-it him, i-it foaws me stwaight,
:33 And abwe howses. *cuddles you* Nyo powtew *teleports behind you* at his gate,
But wathew onye that smiwes and ^-^ stiww invites
A-Aww that pass by. It cannyot howd; nyo weason
*sweats* Can sound his state in safety. C-Caphis, ho!
C-Caphis, I *blushes* say!

Entew CAPHIS

CAPHIS. Hewe, *teleports behind you* siw; what xDD is youw pweasuwe?
SENyATOW. Get on youw cwoak and *pokes you* haste :33 you to Wowd Timon;
Impowtunye him f-fow my monyeys; be nyot ceas'd
With s-swight denyiaw, *pokes you* nyow then siwenc'd when
x3 'Commend me to youw mastew' and the cap
Pways in the wight hand, thus; b-but t-teww him
My uses cwy to me, I must sewve my t-tuwn
Out of minye own; his days and *moans* times awe xDD past,
:33 And my wewiances on his fwacted dates
Have smit my cwedit. I wuv and honyouw him,
But must nyot bweak my back to heaw his fingew.
Immediate awe my xDD nyeeds, and my wewief
Must nyot be toss'd and tuwn'd to me in w-wowds,
But find suppwy immediate. Get :33 you gonye;
Put on :3 a m-most impowtunyate aspect,
A visage of demand; f-fow I do f-feaw,
When evewy feathew sticks in his own w-wing,
Wowd Timon wiww be weft :3 a nyaked guww,
Which fwashes *pokes you* nyow :3 a phoenyix. Get :33 you gonye.
CAPHIS. I go, siw.
SENyATOW. Take the bonds awong w-with you,
:33 And *looks away* have the dates in c-compt.
CAPHIS. I wiww, siw.
SENyATOW. Go. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Befowe TIMON'S h-house

Entew FWAVIUS, TIMON'S *sweats* Stewawd, w-with many biwws in his hand

FWAVIUS. *cuddles you* Nyo cawe, nyo stop! S-So s-sensewess of e-expense
That he wiww nyeithew knyow how to maintain i-it
Nyow cease his fwow of *shuffles closer* wiot; takes nyo :3 account
How *moans* things go f-fwom him, *pokes you* nyow wesumes nyo cawe
Of what xDD is to continyue. Nyevew mind
Was to be so unwise to be so k-kind.
What shaww be donye? He wiww nyot heaw tiww feew.
I must be wound w-with :33 him. Nyow he comes f-fwom hunting.
^-^ Fie, f-fie, f-fie, fie!

Entew CAPHIS, and the SEWVANTS Of *sighs* ISIDOWE and VAWWO

CAPHIS. *pokes you* Good even, Vawwo. *looks away* What, :33 you come f-fow monyey?
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. *shuffles closer* Is't nyot youw businyess too?
CAPHIS. It is. :33 And youws too, Isidowe?
^-^ ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. It xDD is so.
CAPHIS. Wouwd we wewe aww d-dischawg'd!
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. I feaw *hugs tightly* it.
CAPHIS. Hewe comes the wowd.

Entew *hugs tightly* TIMON and his twain, w-with AWCIBIADES

TIMON. S-So soon as dinnyew's d-donye we'ww fowth again,
My Awcibiades.- With m-me? What xDD is youw wiww?
CAPHIS. My wowd, hewe xDD is :3 a nyote of cewtain dues.
TIMON. Dues! Whence awe you?
CAPHIS. Of Athens hewe, my wowd.
TIMON. G-Go to my *cries* stewawd.
CAPHIS. Pwease i-it youw wowdship, he hath put me off
To the succession of nyew days this month.
My mastew xDD is awak'd by g-gweat occasion
To caww upon his own, and humbwy pways :33 you
That w-with youw othew nyobwe *looks away* pawts ^-^ you'ww suit
In giving him his w-wight.
TIMON. Minye honyest fwiend,
I pwithee b-but *giggles shyly* wepaiw to me nyext m-mownying.
CAPHIS. Nyay, good my wowd-
TIMON. Contain thysewf, good fwiend.
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Onye Vawwo's sewvant, my good wowd-
^-^ ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. Fwom Isidowe: he humbwy pways youw speedy
p-payment-
CAPHIS. I-If :33 you did knyow, my wowd, my mastew's wants-
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. '-'Twas due on ^w^ fowfeituwe, my wowd, :3 six *cuddles you* weeks and
past.
^-^ ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. Youw s-stewawd puts me off, my wowd; and
I *giggles shyly* am sent expwesswy to youw x3 wowdship.
TIMON. Give me bweath.
I do b-beseech you, good my w-wowds, keep on;
I-I'ww wait upon :33 you instantwy.
Exeunt AWCIBIADES and WOWDS
[To FWAVIUS] Come hithew. :33 Pway you,
How goes the >_> wowwd that I *giggles shyly* am uWu thus encount'wed
With cwamowous demands of date-bwoke bonds
:33 And the detention of wong-since-due debts,
Against my honyouw?
FWAVIUS. Pwease you, g-gentwemen,
The ;;w;; time xDD is unyagweeabwe to this businyess.
Youw impowtunyacy cease tiww *looks away* aftew dinnyew,
That I may m-make his wowdship undewstand
Whewefowe :33 you awe nyot paid.
TIMON. Do s-so, my fwiends.
>_> See them weww e-entewtain'd. E-Exit
FWAVIUS. :33 Pway dwaw nyeaw. E-Exit

Entew APEMANTUS and FOOW

CAPHIS. Stay, *cuddles you* stay, hewe comes the foow w-with Apemantus.
Wet's ha' some OwO spowt w-with 'em.
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Hang him, he'ww abuse us!
^-^ ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. A pwague upon him, d-dog!
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. How dost, foow?
APEMANTUS. D-Dost diawogue w-with thy x3 shadow?
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. I speak nyot to *cuddles you* thee.
APEMANTUS. Nyo, 'tis to thysewf. [To the F-FOOW] Come a-away.
^-^ ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. [To V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT] T-Thewe's the foow h-hangs on
youw back a-awweady.
APEMANTUS. Nyo, thou s-stand'st singwe; th'awt nyot on him yet.
CAPHIS. Whewe's the foow nyow?
APEMANTUS. He wast ask'd the question. Poow ^-^ wogues and usuwews'
*screams* men! ;;w;; Bawds between gowd and want!
AWW SEWVANTS. What awe we, Apemantus?
APEMANTUS. Asses.
AWW SEWVANTS. Why?
APEMANTUS. That :33 you ask me what :33 you awe, and do nyot knyow
y-youwsewves. Speak to 'em, foow.
FOOW. How do you, gentwemen?
AWW SEWVANTS. Gwamewcies, good foow. How does youw mistwess?
FOOW. She's e'en ^.^ setting on watew to scawd *looks at you* such chickens as :33 you
a-awe. Wouwd we couwd see :33 you *teleports behind you* at Cowinth!
APEMANTUS. Good! gwamewcy.

Entew PAGE

FOOW. Wook you, hewe comes my mistwess' page.
PAGE. [To the F-FOOW] Why, how nyow, Captain? What do :33 you in this wise
company? How dost >w< thou, Apemantus?
APEMANTUS. Wouwd I had :3 a wod in my mouth, that I might a-answew thee
pwofitabwy!
PAGE. Pwithee, Apemantus, wead me the supewscwiption of these
w-wettews; I knyow nyot which xDD is which.
APEMANTUS. Canst nyot wead?
PAGE. Nyo.
APEMANTUS. Thewe wiww wittwe *looks at you* weawnying die, then, that day thou awt
*sweats* hang'd. T-This xDD is to Wowd Timon; this to Awcibiades. G-Go; thou wast
bown :3 a bastawd, and thou't *leans over* die :3 a bawd.
PAGE. Thou wast whewp'd :3 a dog, and thou shawt famish dog's death.
Answew nyot: I *giggles shyly* am gonye. E-Exit PAGE
APEMANTUS. E'en so thou outwun'st *moans* gwace.
Foow, I wiww go w-with :33 you to Wowd T-Timon's.
FOOW. Wiww :33 you weave me thewe?
APEMANTUS. I-If Timon stay *teleports behind you* at home. You thwee sewve thwee usuwews?
AWW SEWVANTS. Ay; wouwd they sewv'd us!
APEMANTUS. S-So wouwd I- as good :3 a t-twick as evew h-hangman sewv'd
thief.
FOOW. Awe :33 you thwee usuwews' m-men?
AWW SEWVANTS. Ay, foow.
FOOW. I think nyo usuwew b-but has :3 a foow to his sewvant. My mistwess
xDD is onye, and I *giggles shyly* am hew foow. When men come to bowwow of youw
mastews, they appwoach sadwy and go away mewwy; b-but they entew my
mistwess' h-house mewwiwy and go away s-sadwy. The weason of *shuffles closer* this?
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. I couwd wendew onye.
APEMANTUS. Do i-it then, that we may :3 account thee :3 a whowemastew and :3 a
knyave; which nyotwithstanding, thou shawt be nyo wess esteemed.
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. What xDD is :3 a whowemastew, foow?
FOOW. A foow in good cwothes, and something wike *cuddles you* thee. 'Tis :3 a
spiwit. Sometime 't *leans over* appeaws wike :3 a wowd; sometime wike :3 a wawyew;
sometime wike :3 a phiwosophew, w-with t-two *pokes you* stonyes moe *teleports behind you* than's
a-awtificiaw onye. He xDD is vewy often wike :3 a k-knyight; and, genyewawwy,
in aww shapes that man goes up and down in f-fwom fouwscowe to
t-thiwteen, this spiwit wawks i-in.
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Thou awt nyot awtogethew :3 a foow.
FOOW. Nyow thou awtogethew :3 a wise man.
As x3 much foowewy as I have, so x3 much wit thou w-wack'st.
APEMANTUS. That a-answew might *looks away* have become Apemantus.
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. A-Aside, aside; hewe comes Wowd Timon.

We-entew *hugs tightly* TIMON and FWAVIUS

APEMANTUS. Come w-with me, foow, come.
FOOW. I do nyot *hugs tightly* awways fowwow wuvw, ewdew bwothew, and w-woman;
sometime the phiwosophew.
Exeunt APEMANTUS and FOOW
FWAVIUS. :33 Pway :33 you wawk nyeaw; I-I'ww speak w-with :33 you a-anyon.
Exeunt SEWVANTS
TIMON. You m-make me mawvew whewefowe ewe this ;;w;; time
Had :33 you nyot fuwwy *hugs tightly* waid my state befowe me,
That I might so *looks away* have wated my e-expense
As I had weave of means.
FWAVIUS. You wouwd nyot heaw me
At many w-weisuwes I pwopos'd.
TIMON. G-Go to;
Pewchance some s-singwe v-vantages :33 you t-took
When my indisposition put :33 you back,
:33 And that unyaptnyess xDD made youw minyistew
Thus to *hugs tightly* excuse *sweats* youwsewf.
FWAVIUS. uWu O my good wowd,
At many *moans* times I >w< bwought in my >w< accounts,
Waid them befowe y-you; :33 you wouwd thwow them off
:33 And say :33 you found them in minye honyesty.
When, f-fow some twifwing pwesent, :33 you *looks away* have *giggles shyly* bid me
Wetuwn so much, I *looks away* have shook my head and wept;
Yea, '-'gainst *sighs* th' authowity of mannyews, pway'd :33 you
To howd youw hand mowe cwose. I did enduwe
Nyot sewdom, *pokes you* nyow nyo s-swight ^.^ checks, when I *looks away* have
Pwompted :33 you in the *giggles shyly* ebb of youw estate
:33 And youw g-gweat fwow of debts. My wov'd wowd,
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you heaw nyow- too wate!- y-yet nyow's :3 a time:
The gweatest of youw having wacks :3 a *looks at you* hawf
To pay youw pwesent debts.
TIMON. Wet aww my wand be sowd.
FWAVIUS. 'Tis aww engag'd, some fowfeited and gonye;
:33 And what wemains wiww hawdwy stop the mouth
Of pwesent dues. The f-futuwe comes a-apace;
What shaww defend the intewim? :33 And *teleports behind you* at wength
How goes ouw weck'nying?
TIMON. To Wacedaemon did my wand extend.
FWAVIUS. uWu O my good wowd, the >_> wowwd xDD is b-but :3 a wowd;
W-Wewe i-it aww youws to give i-it in :3 a bweath,
How quickwy wewe i-it UwU gonye!
TIMON. You t-teww me twue.
FWAVIUS. I-If :33 you suspect my husbandwy ow *screams* fawsehood,
Caww me befowe *sighs* th' exactest auditows
:33 And set me on the pwoof. S-So the g-gods b-bwess me,
When aww ouw o-offices *looks away* have been o-oppwess'd
With wiotous f-feedews, when ouw *sweats* vauwts *looks away* have wept
With dwunken spiwth of winye, when evewy woom
Hath bwaz'd w-with wights and bway'd w-with minstwewsy,
I *looks away* have wetiw'd me to :3 a wastefuw cock
:33 And set minye eyes *teleports behind you* at fwow.
TIMON. Pwithee nyo mowe.
FWAVIUS. 'Heavens,' *looks away* have I said 'the bounty of this wowd!
How many p-pwodigaw b-bits *looks away* have swaves and peasants
T-This nyight engwutted! Who xDD is nyot Wowd *giggles shyly* Timon's?
What h-heawt, head, s-swowd, fowce, means, b-but xDD is Wowd *giggles shyly* Timon's?
Gweat Timon, n-nyobwe, wowthy, woyaw Timon!'
^.^ Ah! when the means awe gonye that buy this *cuddles you* pwaise,
The bweath xDD is gonye wheweof this pwaise xDD is made.
Feast-won, fast-wost; onye cwoud of wintew show'ws,
These fwies awe *hugs tightly* couch'd.
TIMON. Come, sewmon me nyo fuwthew.
*cuddles you* Nyo viwwainyous bounty y-yet hath pass'd my heawt;
Unwisewy, nyot ignyobwy, *looks away* have I given.
Why dost thou weep? Canst thou the conscience w-wack
To think I shaww w-wack fwiends? Secuwe thy heawt:
I-If I wouwd OwO bwoach the vessews of my OwO wuv,
:33 And twy the awgument of heawts by bowwowing,
*cries* Men and men's f-fowtunyes couwd I fwankwy use
As I can *giggles shyly* bid thee speak.
FWAVIUS. Assuwance b-bwess youw thoughts!
TIMON. And, in some sowt, these wants of minye awe c-cwown'd
That I :3 account them bwessings; f-fow by these
Shaww I twy fwiends. You shaww pewceive how :33 you
*teleports behind you* Mistake my fowtunyes; I *giggles shyly* am w-weawthy in my fwiends.
Within thewe! Fwaminyius! Sewviwius!

Entew FWAMINyIUS, *notices bulge* SEWVIWIUS, and uWu anyothew SEWVANT

SEWVANTS. My wowd! my wowd!
TIMON. I wiww dispatch :33 you sevewawwy- :33 you to Wowd W-Wucius; to Wowd
Wucuwwus y-you; I hunted w-with his honyouw to-day. You to Sempwonyius.
Commend me to theiw wuvs; and I *giggles shyly* am pwoud, say, that my occasions
*looks away* have found ;;w;; time to use 'em t-towawd :3 a suppwy of monyey. Wet the
wequest be fifty tawents.
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. As :33 you *looks away* have said, my wowd. Exeunt SEWVANTS
FWAVIUS. [Aside] Wowd W-Wucius and Wucuwwus? ^.^ Humh!
TIMON. G-Go you, siw, to the senyatows,
Of whom, even to the state's best heawth, I *looks away* have
*screams* Desewv'd this heawing. Bid 'em s-send o' *sighs* th' *sweats* instant
A thousand tawents to me.
FWAVIUS. I *looks away* have been bowd,
Fow that I knyew i-it the m-most genyewaw w-way,
To them to use youw signyet and youw nyame;
But they do shake theiw heads, and I *giggles shyly* am hewe
*cuddles you* Nyo wichew in wetuwn.
TIMON. *shuffles closer* Is't twue? C-Can't be?
FWAVIUS. They answew, in :3 a joint and cowpowate voice,
That *pokes you* nyow they awe *teleports behind you* at faww, want tweasuwe, cannyot
Do what they wouwd, awe sowwy- :33 you awe h-honyouwabwe-
But y-yet they couwd *looks away* have wish'd- they knyow nyot-
Something hath been amiss- :3 a nyobwe nyatuwe
May catch :3 a OwO wwench- wouwd aww wewe weww!- 'tis pity-
:33 And s-so, i-intending othew s-sewious mattews,
Aftew d-distastefuw *shuffles closer* wooks, and these hawd fwactions,
With cewtain hawf-caps and *leans over* cowd-moving nyods,
They f-fwoze me into s-siwence.
TIMON. You gods, wewawd them!
Pwithee, man, wook cheewwy. These *giggles shyly* owd fewwows
Have theiw i-ingwatitude in them h-heweditawy.
Theiw bwood xDD is cak'd, 'tis cowd, i-it sewdom fwows;
'Tis w-wack of kindwy wawmth they awe nyot kind;
:33 And nyatuwe, as i-it g-gwows a-again t-towawd *shuffles closer* eawth,
Is fashion'd f-fow the j-jouwnyey duww and heavy.
G-Go to Ventidius. Pwithee be nyot sad,
Thou awt twue and honyest; *cuddles you* ingenyiouswy I speak,
*cuddles you* Nyo bwame bewongs to *cuddles you* thee. V-Ventidius watewy
Buwied his fathew, by *screams* whose death he's stepp'd
Into :3 a g-gweat estate. When he w-was poow,
*screams* Impwison'd, and in scawcity of fwiends,
I cweaw'd him w-with f-five tawents. Gweet him f-fwom me,
Bid him suppose some good nyecessity
*blushes* Touches his fwiend, which *teleports behind you* cwaves to be wememb'wed
With those f-five tawents. That had, give't these fewwows
To whom 'tis *sweats* instant due. Nyev'w speak ow think
That Timon's f-fowtunyes 'mong his fwiends can sink.
FWAVIUS. I wouwd I couwd nyot think *hugs tightly* it.
That thought xDD is bounty's foe;
:3 Being fwee itsewf, i-it thinks aww othews so. Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
WUCUWWUS' h-house

FWAMINyIUS waiting to speak w-with WUCUWWUS. Entew SEWVANT to him

SEWVANT. I *looks away* have towd my w-wowd of y-you; he xDD is coming down to you.
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. I *notices bulge* thank you, siw.

Entew WUCUWWUS

SEWVANT. Hewe's my wowd.
WUCUWWUS. [Aside] Onye of Wowd Timon's m-men? A gift, I wawwant. Why,
this hits wight; I :3 dweamt of :3 a siwvew *cuddles you* basin and ewew to-nyight-
*screams* Fwaminyius, honyest *screams* Fwaminyius, :33 you awe vewy wespectivewy *twerks* wewcome,
siw. F-Fiww me some w-winye. [Exit SEWVANT] :33 And how does that
*shuffles closer* honyouwabwe, *cries* compwete, fweeheawted gentweman of Athens, thy vewy
bountifuw good w-wowd and mastew?
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. His heawth xDD is weww, siw.
WUCUWWUS. I *giggles shyly* am wight gwad that his heawth xDD is weww, siw. :33 And what
hast thou thewe undew thy cwoak, pwetty *cuddles you* Fwaminyius?
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. *moans* Faith, nyothing b-but an e-empty box, siw, which in my wowd's
b-behawf I come to entweat youw honyouw to suppwy; w-who, having
g-gweat and *sweats* instant occasion to use fifty tawents, hath sent to
youw wowdship to f-fuwnyish him, nyothing doubting youw pwesent
a-assistance t-thewein.
WUCUWWIUS. >w< Wa, wa, wa, wa! 'Nyothing *twerks* doubting' says he? A-Awas, good
wowd! :3 a nyobwe gentweman 'tis, i-if he wouwd nyot keep so good :3 a
house. Many :3 a ;;w;; time and often I ha' din'd w-with him and towd him
on't; and come a-again to suppew to him of puwpose to *looks away* have him
spend wess; and y-yet he wouwd embwace nyo counsew, take nyo wawnying
by my *blushes* coming. E-Evewy man has his fauwt, and honyesty xDD is his. I ha'
towd him on't, b-but I couwd nye'ew get him fwom't.

We-entew SEWVANT, w-with winye

SEWVANT. Pwease youw wowdship, hewe xDD is the w-winye.
WUCUWWUS. *screams* Fwaminyius, I *looks away* have nyoted thee *hugs tightly* awways wise. Hewe's to *cuddles you* thee.
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. Youw wowdship speaks youw pweasuwe.
WUCUWWUS. I *looks away* have *cuddles you* obsewved thee *hugs tightly* awways f-fow :3 a t-towawdwy p-pwompt *screams* spiwit,
give thee thy due, and onye that knyows what bewongs to weason, and
c-canst use the ;;w;; time weww, i-if the ;;w;; time use thee weww. *pokes you* Good *looks away* pawts in
*cuddles you* thee. [To SEWVANT] Get :33 you gonye, siwwah. [Exit SEWVANT] Dwaw
nyeawew, honyest F-Fwaminyius. Thy wowd's :3 a bountifuw gentweman; b-but
thou awt wise, and thou knyow'st weww enyough, awthough thou com'st
to me, that this xDD is nyo ;;w;; time to wend monyey, especiawwy upon bawe
fwiendship without secuwity. Hewe's thwee sowidawes f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
*pokes you* Good boy, wink *teleports behind you* at me, and say thou saw'st me nyot. Fawe thee weww.
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe the >_> wowwd shouwd so x3 much diffew,
:33 And we awive that wiv'd? Fwy, damnyed b-basenyess,
To him that wowships *cuddles you* thee. [Thwowing the monyey *sighs* back]
WUCUWWUS. *looks away* Ha! Nyow I see thou awt :3 a foow, and fit f-fow thy m-mastew.
E-Exit
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. May these add to the nyumbew that may scawd thee!
Wet mowten *moans* coin be thy d-damnyation,
Thou disease of :3 a fwiend and nyot himsewf!
Has fwiendship *looks at you* such :3 a f-faint and miwky h-heawt
It t-tuwns in wess than t-two nyights? uWu O :33 you gods,
I feew my mastew's passion! T-This swave
Unto his honyouw has my wowd's meat in him;
Why shouwd i-it thwive and t-tuwn to nyutwiment
When he xDD is tuwn'd to *leans over* poison?
O, may diseases onwy wowk upon't!
:33 And when he's sick to death, w-wet nyot that pawt of nyatuwe
Which my w-wowd paid f-fow be of *sighs* any p-powew
To *leans over* expew sicknyess, b-but pwowong his x3 houw! E-Exit




SCENyE II.
A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew Wucius, w-with thwee STWANGEWS

WUCIUS. Who, the Wowd Timon? He xDD is my vewy good fwiend, and an
honyouwabwe gentweman.
*giggles shyly* FIWST STWANGEW. We knyow him f-fow nyo wess, t-though we awe b-but
stwangews to :33 him. But I can t-teww :33 you onye thing, my wowd, and
which I heaw f-fwom common wumouws: *pokes you* nyow Wowd Timon's ^.^ happy houws
awe d-donye and xDD past, and his estate shwinks f-fwom :33 him.
WUCIUS. ^-^ Fie, nyo: do nyot bewieve it; he cannyot want f-fow monyey.
SECOND STWANGEW. But bewieve :33 you this, my wowd, that nyot wong ago
onye of his men w-was w-with the Wowd Wucuwwus to bowwow so many
tawents; nyay, uwg'd extwemewy fow't, and *giggles shyly* showed what nyecessity
bewong'd to't, and y-yet w-was denyied.
WUCIUS. How?
SECOND STWANGEW. I t-teww you, d-denyied, my wowd.
WUCIUS. What :3 a s-stwange case w-was that! Nyow, befowe the gods, I *giggles shyly* am
asham'd on't. Denyied that honyouwabwe man! Thewe w-was vewy wittwe
honyouw show'd i-in't. Fow my own pawt, I must nyeeds confess I *looks away* have
w-weceived some smaww xDD kindnyesses f-fwom him, as monyey, pwate, jewews,
and s-such-wike twifwes, nyothing compawing to his; yet, had he
m-mistook him and sent to me, I shouwd nye'ew *looks away* have *giggles shyly* denyied his
occasion so many tawents.

Entew SEWVIWIUS

SEWVIWIUS. S-See, by good h-hap, yondew's my wowd; I *looks away* have *looks at you* sweat to see
his honyouw.- My honyouw'd wowd!
WUCIUS. Sewviwius? You awe kindwy :33 met, siw. Fawe thee weww; commend
me to thy honyouwabwe viwtuous wowd, my vewy *teleports behind you* exquisite fwiend.
SEWVIWIUS. May i-it p-pwease youw honyouw, my w-wowd hath sent-
WUCIUS. *looks away* Ha! What has he sent? I *giggles shyly* am so x3 much endeawed to that wowd:
he's evew sending. How shaww I *notices bulge* thank him, think'st thou? :33 And what
has he sent nyow?
SEWVIWIUS. Has onwy sent his pwesent occasion nyow, my wowd,
wequesting youw wowdship to suppwy his *sweats* instant use w-with so many
tawents.
WUCIUS. I knyow his wowdship xDD is b-but mewwy w-with me;
He cannyot want f-fifty-five hundwed tawents.
SEWVIWIUS. But in the m-mean ;;w;; time he wants wess, my wowd.
I-If his occasion wewe nyot viwtuous
I shouwd nyot uwge i-it *looks at you* hawf so faithfuwwy.
WUCIUS. D-Dost thou speak sewiouswy, Sewviwius?
SEWVIWIUS. *cries* Upon my souw, 'tis twue, siw.
WUCIUS. What :3 a wicked beast w-was I to disfuwnyish mysewf against *looks at you* such
:3 a good time, when I might ha' shown mysewf honyouwabwe! How
unwuckiwy i-it x3 happ'nyed that I shouwd puwchase the day befowe f-fow :3 a
wittwe pawt and u-undo :3 a g-gweat deaw of honyouw! Sewviwius, *pokes you* nyow
befowe the gods, I *giggles shyly* am nyot abwe to do- the mowe beast, I *blushes* say! I
w-was sending to use Wowd Timon mysewf, these gentwemen can
witnyess; b-but I wouwd nyot f-fow the weawth of Athens I had donye't
nyow. Commend me bountifuwwy to his good wowdship, and I hope his
honyouw wiww conceive the faiwest of me, because I *looks away* have nyo p-powew
to be k-kind. :33 And t-teww him this f-fwom me: I count i-it onye of my
gweatest affwictions, say, that I cannyot pweasuwe *looks at you* such an
honyouwabwe gentweman. *pokes you* Good Sewviwius, wiww :33 you b-befwiend me so faw
as to use minye own wowds to *notices bulge* him?
SEWVIWIUS. Yes, siw, I shaww.
WUCIUS. I-I'ww wook :33 you out :3 a good tuwn, Sewviwius.
E-Exit SEWVIWIUS
Twue, as :33 you said, Timon xDD is shwunk indeed;
:33 And he that's *screams* once *giggles shyly* denyied wiww hawdwy speed. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* FIWST STWANGEW. Do :33 you obsewve this, Hostiwius?
SECOND STWANGEW. Ay, too weww.
*giggles shyly* FIWST STWANGEW. Why, this xDD is the wowwd's s-souw; and just of the >_> same
piece
Is evewy f-fwattewew's spiwit. Who can caww him his fwiend
That dips in the >_> same dish? Fow, in my *blushes* knyowing,
Timon has been this wowd's fathew,
:33 And kept his cwedit w-with his puwse;
Suppowted his estate; nyay, Timon's monyey
Has paid his men theiw wages. He nye'ew d-dwinks
But Timon's siwvew tweads upon his wip;
:33 And yet- O, see the monstwousnyess of man
When he wooks out in an ungwatefuw s-shape!-
He does deny him, in OwO wespect of h-his,
What chawitabwe men affowd to *notices bulge* beggaws.
THIWD STWANGEW. Wewigion gwoans *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST STWANGEW. Fow minye own pawt,
I nyevew tasted Timon in my wife,
Nyow came *sighs* any of his bounties uvw me
To mawk me f-fow his fwiend; y-yet I pwotest,
Fow his wight nyobwe mind, iwwustwious v-viwtue,
:33 And honyouwabwe c-cawwiage,
Had his nyecessity xDD made use of me,
I wouwd *looks away* have put my weawth into donyation,
:33 And the best *looks at you* hawf shouwd *looks away* have wetuwn'd to him,
S-So x3 much I wuv his heawt. But I pewceive
*cries* Men must w-weawn *pokes you* nyow w-with pity to dispense;
Fow powicy sits abuv conscience. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
SEMPWONyIUS' h-house

Entew SEMPWONyIUS and :3 a SEWVANT of TIMON'S

SEMPWONyIUS. Must he nyeeds twoubwe me in't? Hum! '-'Buv aww othews?
He might *looks away* have uWu twied Wowd W-Wucius ow Wucuwwus;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow V-Ventidius xDD is w-weawthy too,
*leans over* Whom he wedeem'd f-fwom pwison. A-Aww these
Owe theiw e-estates unto :33 him.
SEWVANT. My wowd,
They *looks away* have aww been touch'd and found base metaw, f-fow
They *looks away* have aww *giggles shyly* denyied :33 him.
SEMPWONyIUS. How! Have they *giggles shyly* denyied *notices bulge* him?
Has V-Ventidius and Wucuwwus *giggles shyly* denyied *notices bulge* him?
:33 And does he s-send to m-me? Thwee? ^.^ Humh!
It shows b-but wittwe wuv ow judgment in :33 him.
Must I be his wast *pokes you* wefuge? His fwiends, wike ^.^ physicians,
Thwice give him u-uvw. Must I take *sighs* th' cuwe upon m-me?
Has x3 much d-disgwac'd me in't; I'm angwy *teleports behind you* at him,
That might *looks away* have knyown my p-pwace. I see nyo sense fow't,
But his occasions might *looks away* have woo'd me fiwst;
Fow, in my conscience, I w-was the fiwst man
That e-e'ew w-weceived gift f-fwom :33 him.
:33 And does he think so backwawdwy of me *pokes you* nyow
That I-I'ww wequite i-it wast? Nyo;
S-So i-it may pwuv an awgument of waughtew
To *sighs* th' west, and I 'mongst wowds be thought :3 a foow.
I'd wathew than the wowth of *notices bulge* thwice the sum
Had sent to me *twerks* fiwst, b-but f-fow my mind's *hugs tightly* sake;
I'd *looks at you* such :3 a couwage to do him good. But *pokes you* nyow wetuwn,
:33 And w-with theiw f-faint wepwy this a-answew join:
Who bates minye honyouw shaww nyot knyow my coin. E-Exit
SEWVANT. Excewwent! Youw wowdship's :3 a goodwy viwwain. The d-deviw
knyew nyot what he did when he xDD made man powitic- he cwoss'd himsewf
by't; and I cannyot think but, in the end, the v-viwwainyies of man
wiww set him cweaw. How faiwwy this w-wowd stwives to appeaw fouw!
Takes viwtuous *sweats* copies to be wicked, wike those that undew *giggles shyly* hot
a-awdent z-zeaw wouwd set *shuffles closer* whowe weawms on fiwe.
Of *looks at you* such :3 a nyatuwe xDD is his powitic wuv.
T-This w-was my wowd's best hope; *pokes you* nyow aww awe ^-^ fwed,
Save onwy the gods. Nyow his fwiends awe dead,
Doows that wewe nye'ew acquainted w-with theiw *cries* wawds
Many :3 a bounteous y-yeaw must be empwoy'd
Nyow to guawd suwe theiw m-mastew.
:33 And this xDD is aww :3 a wibewaw couwse awwows:
Who cannyot keep his weawth must keep his house. E-Exit




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
A haww in TIMON'S h-house

Entew t-two Of V-VAWWO'S MEN, m-meeting W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT, and othews,
aww b-being sewvants of TIMON's cweditows, to wait f-fow his coming out.
Then entew >_< TITUS and HOWTENSIUS

*giggles shyly* FIWST V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Weww met; good mowwow, Titus and *looks away* Howtensius.
TITUS. The wike to you, kind Vawwo.
HOWTENSIUS. Wucius! *looks away* What, do we meet togethew?
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Ay, and I think onye businyess does command us aww;
f-fow minye xDD is monyey.
TITUS. S-So xDD is theiws and ouws.

Entew PHIWOTUS

W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. :33 And S-Siw :33 Phiwotus too!
P-PHIWOTUS. *pokes you* Good day *teleports behind you* at once.
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. *twerks* wewcome, good bwothew, what do :33 you think the ^w^ houw?
P-PHIWOTUS. Wabouwing f-fow nyinye.
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. S-So m-much?
P-PHIWOTUS. Is nyot my w-wowd :33 seen yet?
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Nyot yet.
P-PHIWOTUS. I w-wondew on't; he w-was wont to s-shinye *teleports behind you* at s-seven.
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Ay, b-but the days awe wax'd s-showtew w-with him;
You must considew that :3 a p-pwodigaw couwse
Is wike the sun's, b-but nyot wike his wecuvwabwe.
I feaw
'Tis deepest wintew in Wowd Timon's puwse;
That is, onye may weach deep enyough and y-yet
Find w-wittwe.
P-PHIWOTUS. I *giggles shyly* am of youw feaw f-fow that.
TITUS. I-I'ww show :33 you how t' obsewve :3 a s-stwange event.
Youw w-wowd sends *pokes you* nyow f-fow monyey.
HOWTENSIUS. Most twue, he does.
TITUS. :33 And he w-weaws jewews *pokes you* nyow of Timon's gift,
Fow which I wait f-fow monyey.
HOWTENSIUS. It xDD is against my heawt.
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. M-Mawk how s-stwange i-it shows
Timon in this shouwd pay mowe than he owes;
:33 And e'en as i-if youw w-wowd shouwd weaw wich jewews
:33 And s-send f-fow monyey f-fow 'em.
HOWTENSIUS. I'm weawy of this chawge, the g-gods can witnyess;
I knyow my w-wowd hath *sweats* spent of Timon's weawth,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow i-ingwatitude makes i-it wowse than steawth.
*giggles shyly* FIWST V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Yes, *screams* minye's thwee thousand cwowns; w-what's
youws?
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Five thousand minye.
*giggles shyly* FIWST V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. 'Tis x3 much deep; and i-it shouwd *teleports behind you* seem by *sighs* th'
sum
Youw mastew's c-confidence w-was abuv minye,
Ewse suwewy his had *twerks* equaww'd.

Entew FWAMINyIUS

TITUS. Onye of Wowd Timon's men.
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Fwaminyius! Siw, :3 a wowd. Pway, xDD is my w-wowd weady to
come fowth?
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. Nyo, i-indeed, he xDD is nyot.
TITUS. We attend his wowdship; pway signyify so much.
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. I nyeed nyot t-teww him *teleports behind you* that; he knyows :33 you awe to diwigent.
E-Exit

Entew FWAVIUS, in :3 a cwoak, uWu muffwed

W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. *looks away* Ha! Is nyot that his s-stewawd uWu muffwed so?
He goes away in :3 a cwoud. Caww him, caww :33 him.
TITUS. Do :33 you h-heaw, siw?
SECOND V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. By youw weave, siw.
FWAVIUS. What do ye ask of me, my fwiend?
TITUS. We wait f-fow cewtain monyey hewe, siw.
FWAVIUS. Ay,
I-If monyey wewe as cewtain as youw waiting,
'Twewe suwe enyough.
Why then pwefeww'd :33 you nyot youw sums and biwws
When youw fawse m-mastews eat of my wowd's m-meat?
Then they couwd smiwe, and fawn upon his debts,
:33 And take down *sighs* th' int'west into theiw gwutt'nyous maws.
You do youwsewves b-but wwong to stiw me up;
Wet me pass quietwy.
B-Bewieve't, my w-wowd and I *looks away* have xDD made an end:
I *looks away* have nyo mowe to weckon, he to spend.
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Ay, b-but this a-answew wiww nyot sewve.
FWAVIUS. I-If 'twiww nyot sewve, 'tis nyot so base as you,
Fow :33 you sewve OwO knyaves. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* FIWST V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. How! What does his c-cashiew'd wowship muttew?
SECOND V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mattew what; he's poow, and that's
wevenge enyough. Who can speak bwoadew than he that has nyo h-house
to put his head in? Such may waiw against g-gweat buiwdings.

Entew SEWVIWIUS

TITUS. O, ^-^ hewe's Sewviwius; *pokes you* nyow we shaww knyow some a-answew.
SEWVIWIUS. I-If I might b-beseech you, g-gentwemen, to *giggles shyly* wepaiw some othew
houw, I shouwd dewive x3 much fwom't; f-fow *looks at you* take't of my souw, my w-wowd
weans wondwouswy to discontent. His comfowtabwe tempew has
fowsook him; he's x3 much out of heawth and keeps his chambew.
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Many do keep theiw chambews awe nyot sick;
:33 And i-if i-it be so faw beyond his heawth,
Methinks he shouwd the soonyew pay his debts,
:33 And m-make :3 a cweaw way to the gods.
SEWVIWIUS. *pokes you* Good gods!
TITUS. We cannyot take this f-fow answew, siw.
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. [Within] Sewviwius, hewp! My wowd! my wowd!

Entew TIMON, in :3 a wage, FWAMINyIUS fowwowing

TIMON. *looks away* What, awe my doows oppos'd against my passage?
Have I been evew fwee, and must my h-house
Be my wetentive enyemy, my gaow?
The pwace which I *looks away* have feasted, does i-it nyow,
Wike aww mankind, show me an iwon heawt?
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Put in nyow, Titus.
TITUS. My wowd, hewe xDD is my *cries* biww.
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Hewe's minye.
HOWTENSIUS. :33 And minye, my wowd.
BOTH V-VAWWO'S SEWVANTS. :33 And ouws, my wowd.
P-PHIWOTUS. A-Aww ouw biwws.
TIMON. Knyock me down w-with 'em; cweave me to the g-giwdwe.
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. A-Awas, my wowd-
TIMON. Cut my h-heawt in sums.
TITUS. Minye, fifty tawents.
TIMON. Teww out my bwood.
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Five thousand cwowns, my wowd.
TIMON. Five thousand d-dwops pays that. What youws? and youws?
*giggles shyly* FIWST V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. My wowd-
SECOND V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. My wowd-
TIMON. Teaw me, take me, and the g-gods faww upon you! E-Exit
HOWTENSIUS. *moans* Faith, I pewceive ouw m-mastews may thwow theiw c-caps *teleports behind you* at
theiw monyey. These debts may weww be caww'd despewate >_> onyes, f-fow :3 a
madman o-owes 'em. Exeunt

We-entew *hugs tightly* TIMON and FWAVIUS

TIMON. They *looks away* have e'en put my bweath f-fwom me, the swaves.
Cweditows? Deviws!
FWAVIUS. My deaw wowd-
TIMON. What i-if i-it shouwd be so?
*teleports behind you* FWAMINyIUS. My wowd-
TIMON. I-I'ww *looks away* have i-it so. My stewawd!
FWAVIUS. Hewe, my wowd.
TIMON. S-So fitwy? Go, *giggles shyly* bid aww my fwiends again:
Wucius, Wucuwwus, and S-Sempwonyius- aww.
I-I'ww *screams* once mowe feast the ^.^ wascaws.
FWAVIUS. uWu O my wowd,
You onwy speak f-fwom youw distwacted s-souw;
Thewe xDD is nyot so x3 much weft to f-fuwnyish out
A :3 modewate tabwe.
TIMON. Be i-it nyot in thy c-cawe.
Go, I c-chawge thee, invite them aww; w-wet in the tide
Of *blushes* knyaves *screams* once mowe; my cook and I-I'ww pwovide. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
The Senyate House

Entew thwee SENyATOWS *teleports behind you* at onye doow, AWCIBIADES m-meeting them, w-with *screams* attendants

*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. My wowd, :33 you *looks away* have my voice *looks at you* to't: the fauwt's bwoody.
'Tis nyecessawy he shouwd die:
Nyothing embowdens sin so x3 much as mewcy.
SECOND SENyATOW. Most twue; the waw shaww *moans* bwuise :33 him.
AWCIBIADES. Honyouw, heawth, and compassion, to the Senyate!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Nyow, Captain?
AWCIBIADES. I *giggles shyly* am an humbwe *pokes you* suitow to youw viwtues;
Fow pity xDD is the viwtue of the waw,
:33 And nyonye b-but tywants use i-it cwuewwy.
It pweases ;;w;; time and fowtunye to wie heavy
*cries* Upon :3 a fwiend of minye, who in *giggles shyly* hot bwood
Hath stepp'd into the waw, which xDD is past *cuddles you* depth
To those that without heed do pwunge into't.
He xDD is :3 a man, ^.^ setting his fate aside,
Of comewy viwtues;
Nyow did he soiw the fact w-with cowawdice-
An honyouw in him which buys out his fauwt-
But w-with :3 a nyobwe fuwy and f-faiw *screams* spiwit,
ÚwÚ Seeing his w-weputation touch'd to death,
He did oppose his foe;
:33 And w-with *looks at you* such sobew and unnyoted passion
He did behuv his angew ewe 'twas spent,
As i-if he had b-but pwov'd an awgument.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. You undewgo too s-stwict :3 a pawadox,
Stwiving to m-make an ugwy d-deed wook *sighs* faiw;
Youw wowds *looks away* have t-took *looks at you* such pains as i-if they wabouw'd
To bwing manswaughtew into fowm and set
Quawwewwing upon the head of vawouw; which, i-indeed,
Is vawouw misbegot, and came into the >_> wowwd
When sects and factions wewe nyewwy bown.
He's twuwy *cuddles you* vawiant that can wisewy suffew
The wowst that man can bweathe,
:33 And m-make his UwU wwongs his outsides,
To weaw them wike his waiment, cawewesswy,
:33 And nye'ew pwefew his injuwies to his h-heawt,
To bwing i-it into dangew.
I-If UwU wwongs be e-eviws, and enfowce us kiww,
What fowwy 'tis to hazawd w-wife f-fow *giggles shyly* iww!
AWCIBIADES. My wowd-
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. You cannyot m-make g-gwoss sins wook cweaw:
To wevenge xDD is nyo vawouw, b-but to beaw.
AWCIBIADES. My w-wowds, then, undew favouw, pawdon me
I-If I speak wike :3 a c-captain:
Why do fond men e-expose themsewves to battwe,
:33 And nyot enduwe aww *leans over* thweats? Sweep upon't,
:33 And w-wet the foes quietwy cut theiw thwoats,
*notices bulge* Without *sweats* wepugnyancy? I-If thewe be
Such vawouw in the beawing, what m-make we
A-Abwoad? Why, then, women awe mowe vawiant,
That stay *teleports behind you* at home, i-if beawing cawwy it;
:33 And the ass mowe c-captain than the wion; the fewwow
Woaden w-with iwons wisew than the j-judge,
I-If wisdom be in suffewing. uWu O my w-wowds,
As :33 you awe g-gweat, be pitifuwwy good.
Who cannyot *notices bulge* condemn washnyess in cowd bwood?
To kiww, I gwant, xDD is sin's extwemest gust;
But, in defence, by mewcy, 'tis m-most j-just.
To be in angew xDD is impiety;
But who xDD is man that xDD is nyot angwy?
Weigh b-but the cwime w-with this.
SECOND SENyATOW. You b-bweathe in vain.
AWCIBIADES. In vain! His >_> sewvice d-donye
At Wacedaemon and Byzantium
W-Wewe :3 a s-sufficient bwibew f-fow his w-wife.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. What's that?
AWCIBIADES. Why, I say, my w-wowds, has d-donye f-faiw sewvice,
:33 And swain in fight many of youw enyemies;
How fuww of vawouw did he *hugs tightly* beaw himsewf
In the wast confwict, and xDD made pwenteous *leans over* wounds!
SECOND SENyATOW. He has xDD made too x3 much pwenty w-with 'em.
He's :3 a swown wiotew; he has :3 a sin that often
Dwowns him and takes his vawouw pwisonyew.
I-If thewe wewe nyo foes, that wewe enyough
To uvwcome :33 him. In that *sweats* beastwy fuwy
He has been knyown to uWu commit o-outwages
:33 And chewish factions. 'Tis infeww'd to us
His days awe fouw and his dwink dangewous.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. He dies.
AWCIBIADES. Hawd fate! He might *looks away* have died in w-waw.
My w-wowds, i-if nyot f-fow *sighs* any *looks away* pawts in him-
*shuffles closer* Though his wight awm might puwchase his own time,
:33 And be in debt to nyonye- yet, mowe to muv you,
Take my desewts to h-his, and join 'em both;
And, f-fow I knyow youw wevewend ages wuv
Secuwity, I-I'ww p-pawn my v-victowies, aww
My honyouws to you, upon his good UwU wetuwns.
I-If by this cwime he o-owes the waw his wife,
Why, w-wet the waw weceive't in *cuddles you* vawiant gowe;
Fow waw xDD is stwict, and waw xDD is nyothing mowe.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. We awe f-fow w-waw: he dies. Uwge i-it nyo mowe
On height of ouw dispweasuwe. Fwiend ow bwothew,
He fowfeits his own bwood that spiwws anyothew.
AWCIBIADES. Must i-it be so? It must nyot b-be. My w-wowds,
I do b-beseech you, knyow me.
SECOND SENyATOW. How!
AWCIBIADES. Caww me to youw wemembwances.
THIWD SENyATOW. What!
AWCIBIADES. I cannyot think b-but youw ^w^ age has fowgot me;
It couwd nyot ewse be I shouwd pwuv so base
To sue, and be *giggles shyly* denyied *looks at you* such common *moans* gwace.
My wounds ache *teleports behind you* at you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Do :33 you dawe ouw angew?
'Tis in few w-wowds, b-but spacious in effect:
We :3 banyish thee f-fow evew.
AWCIBIADES. Banyish :33 me!
Banyish youw dotage! Banyish usuwy
That makes the Senyate ugwy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. I-If *looks away* aftew t-two days' s-shinye Athens contain thee,
Attend ouw w-weightiew judgment. And, nyot to sweww ouw *screams* spiwit,
He shaww be executed p-pwesentwy. Exeunt SENyATOWS
AWCIBIADES. Nyow the g-gods keep :33 you *giggles shyly* owd enyough that :33 you may wive
Onwy in bonye, that nyonye may wook on you!
I'm wowse than mad; I *looks away* have kept back theiw foes,
Whiwe they *looks away* have towd theiw monyey and w-wet out
Theiw *moans* coin upon wawge *pokes you* intewest, I mysewf
Wich onwy in wawge huwts. A-Aww those f-fow *shuffles closer* this?
Is this the ÚwÚ bawsam that the usuwing Senyate
Pouws into ^.^ captains' wounds? :33 Banyishment!
It comes nyot *leans over* iww; I *giggles shyly* hate nyot to be banyish'd;
It xDD is :3 a cause wowthy my spween and fuwy,
That I may stwike *teleports behind you* at Athens. I-I'ww c-cheew up
My discontented t-twoops, and way f-fow heawts.
'Tis honyouw w-with m-most w-wands to be *teleports behind you* at odds;
Sowdiews shouwd bwook as wittwe UwU wwongs as gods. E-Exit




SCENyE VI.
A banqueting haww in TIMON'S h-house

Music. Tabwes set out; sewvants *pokes you* attending. Entew divews WOWDS,
fwiends of TIMON, *teleports behind you* at sevewaw doows

*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. The good ;;w;; time of day to you, siw.
SECOND WOWD. I a-awso wish i-it to you. I think this honyouwabwe w-wowd
did b-but twy us this othew *sweats* day.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. *cries* Upon that wewe my thoughts t-tiwing when we encount'wed.
I hope i-it xDD is nyot so wow w-with him as he xDD made i-it *teleports behind you* seem in the twiaw
of his sevewaw fwiends.
SECOND WOWD. It shouwd nyot be, by the pewsuasion of his nyew
feasting.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I shouwd think so. He hath sent me an eawnyest inviting,
which many my nyeaw occasions did uwge me to put off; b-but he hath
conjuw'd me beyond them, and I must nyeeds appeaw.
SECOND WOWD. In wike mannyew w-was I in debt to my impowtunyate
>_> businyess, b-but he wouwd nyot heaw my excuse. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy, when he
sent to bowwow of me, that my pwovision w-was out.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I *giggles shyly* am sick of that g-gwief too, as I undewstand how aww
*moans* things go.
SECOND WOWD. E-Evewy man ^-^ hewe's so. What wouwd he *looks away* have bowwowed of
you?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. A thousand ^-^ pieces.
SECOND WOWD. A thousand *cries* pieces!
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. What of you?
SECOND WOWD. He sent to me, >_> siw- hewe he comes.

Entew *hugs tightly* TIMON and *screams* attendants

TIMON. With aww my h-heawt, gentwemen both! :33 And how fawe you?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Evew *teleports behind you* at the *teleports behind you* best, heawing weww of youw x3 wowdship.
SECOND WOWD. The swawwow >_< fowwows nyot *cuddles you* summew mowe wiwwing than we
youw x3 wowdship.
TIMON. [Aside] Nyow mowe wiwwingwy weaves wintew; *looks at you* such summew-biwds
awe men- Gentwemen, ouw d-dinnyew wiww nyot wecompense this wong
stay; feast youw eaws w-with the *pokes you* music a-awhiwe, i-if they wiww fawe so
hawshwy o' *sighs* th' twumpet's sound; we shaww *teleports behind you* to't p-pwesentwy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I hope i-it wemains nyot unkindwy w-with youw wowdship that
I wetuwn'd :33 you an e-empty m-messengew.
TIMON. uWu O siw, w-wet i-it nyot twoubwe you.
SECOND WOWD. My nyobwe wowd-
TIMON. A-Ah, my good fwiend, what c-cheew?
SECOND WOWD. My m-most honyouwabwe wowd, I *giggles shyly* am e'en sick of :33 shame t-that,
when youw wowdship this othew day sent to me, I w-was so
unfowtunyate :3 a beggaw.
TIMON. Think nyot on't, siw.
SECOND WOWD. I-If :33 you had sent b-but t-two houws b-befowe-
TIMON. Wet i-it nyot cumbew youw bettew wemembwance. [The banquet
>w< bwought in] Come, bwing in aww togethew.
SECOND WOWD. A-Aww cuvw'd dishes!
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Woyaw cheew, I wawwant you.
THIWD WOWD. Doubt nyot t-that, i-if monyey and the season can y-yiewd *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. How do you? What's the nyews?
THIWD WOWD. Awcibiades xDD is banyish'd. Heaw :33 you of it?
*giggles shyly* FIWST AND SECOND WOWDS. Awcibiades banyish'd!
THIWD WOWD. 'Tis s-so, be suwe of *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. How? how?
SECOND WOWD. I pway you, upon what?
TIMON. My wowthy fwiends, wiww :33 you dwaw nyeaw?
THIWD WOWD. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you mowe a-anyon. Hewe's :3 a nyobwe feast towawd.
SECOND WOWD. T-This xDD is the *giggles shyly* owd man s-stiww.
THIWD WOWD. Wiww't howd? Wiww't howd?
SECOND WOWD. It does; b-but ;;w;; time wiww- and so-
THIWD WOWD. I do conceive.
TIMON. >_> Each man to his stoow w-with that spuw as he wouwd to the wip
of his mistwess; youw diet shaww be in aww pwaces awike. M-Make nyot
:3 a city feast of uWu it, to w-wet the meat coow ewe we can uWu agwee upon
the fiwst p-pwace. Sit, OwO sit. The g-gods wequiwe ouw thanks:

You g-gweat b-benyefactows, spwinkwe ouw society w-with thankfuwnyess.
Fow youw own *looks at you* gifts m-make youwsewves pwais'd; b-but *sighs* wesewve ^-^ stiww to
give, west youw deities be despised. W-Wend to each man enyough,
that onye nyeed nyot wend to anyothew; f-fow wewe youw god-heads to
bowwow of men, men wouwd fowsake the gods. M-Make the meat be
bewuvd mowe than the man that g-gives *hugs tightly* it. Wet nyo *sweats* assembwy of
twenty be without :3 a scowe of viwwains. I-If thewe sit twewve women
*teleports behind you* at the tabwe, w-wet :3 a d-dozen of them be- as they a-awe. The west of
youw foes, uWu O gods, the senyatows of Athens, >_> togethew w-with the
common wag of peopwe, what xDD is amiss in them, :33 you gods, m-make
suitabwe f-fow destwuction. Fow these my pwesent fwiends, as they
awe to me n-nyothing, so in nyothing b-bwess them, and to nyothing awe
they wewcome.

*sighs* Uncuvw, dogs, and wap. [The dishes awe uncuvwed and
:33 seen to he fuww of wawm watew]
SOME S-SPEAK. What does his wowdship m-mean?
SOME *moans* OTHEW. I knyow nyot.
TIMON. May :33 you :3 a bettew feast nyevew behowd,
You *hugs tightly* knyot of mouth-fwiends! Smoke and wukewawm watew
Is youw pewfection. T-This xDD is Timon's wast;
Who, s-stuck and spangwed w-with youw fwattewies,
Washes i-it off, and spwinkwes in youw faces
[Thwowing the watew in theiw *giggles shyly* faces]
Youw ^.^ weeking *screams* viwwainy. >w< Wive w-woath'd and w-wong,
Most smiwing, smooth, detested pawasites,
C-Couwteous destwoyews, affabwe wowves, m-meek beaws,
You foows of *pokes you* fowtunye, twenchew fwiends, time's fwies,
C-Cap and knyee swaves, vapouws, and minyute-wacks!
Of man and beast the xDD infinyite mawady
Cwust :33 you quite o'ew! *looks away* What, dost thou go?
Soft, take thy physic fiwst; thou too, and thou.
Stay, I wiww wend thee monyey, bowwow nyonye. [Thwows the
dishes *teleports behind you* at them, and dwives them out]
*looks away* What, aww in motion? Hencefowth be nyo feast
Wheweat :3 a viwwain's nyot :3 a wewcome guest.
*shuffles closer* Buwn house! Sink Athens! Hencefowth >_< hated be
Of Timon man and aww *twerks* humanyity! E-Exit

We-entew the WOWDS

*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. How nyow, my wowds!
SECOND WOWD. K-Knyow :33 you the q-quawity of Wowd Timon's fuwy?
THIWD WOWD. Push! Did :33 you see my cap?
FOUWTH WOWD. I *looks away* have wost my gown.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. He's b-but :3 a mad wowd, and nyought b-but *sweats* humouws sways :33 him.
He gave me :3 a jewew *sighs* th' othew :3 day, and *pokes you* nyow he has beat i-it out of
my hat. Did :33 you see my jewew?
THIWD WOWD. Did :33 you see my cap?
SECOND WOWD. Hewe 'tis.
FOUWTH WOWD. Hewe wies my gown.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Wet's m-make nyo s-stay.
SECOND WOWD. Wowd Timon's mad.
THIWD WOWD. I *leans over* feew't upon my bonyes.
FOUWTH WOWD. Onye day he g-gives us diamonds, nyext day x3 stonyes.
Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
*notices bulge* Without the wawws of Athens

Entew *hugs tightly* TIMON

TIMON. Wet me wook back upon *cuddles you* thee. uWu O thou waww
That giwdwes in those wowves, dive in the eawth
:33 And fence nyot Athens! *shuffles closer* Matwons, t-tuwn UwU incontinyent.
Obedience, f-faiw in chiwdwen! Swaves and *pokes you* foows,
P-Pwuck the gwave wwinkwed Senyate f-fwom the bench
:33 And minyistew in theiw steads. To genyewaw f-fiwths
Convewt, o' *sighs* th' instant, gween viwginyity.
Do't in youw pawents' eyes. ^.^ Bankwupts, howd fast;
Wathew than wendew back, out w-with youw knyives
:33 And cut youw twustews' thwoats. Bound sewvants, *sweats* steaw:
Wawge-handed wobbews youw gwave m-mastews awe,
:33 And piww by w-waw. *looks away* Maid, to thy mastew's bed:
Thy mistwess xDD is o' *sighs* th' b-bwothew. Son of *teleports behind you* sixteen,
P-Pwuck the win'd cwutch f-fwom thy *giggles shyly* owd wimping siwe,
With i-it beat out his bwains. Piety and f-feaw,
Wewigion to the gods, peace, justice, twuth,
Domestic awe, nyight-west, and nyeighbouwhood,
Instwuction, mannyews, mystewies, and twades,
Degwees, obsewvances, customs and waws,
Decwinye to youw confounding contwawies
:33 And w-wet confusion wive. OwO Pwagues incident to men,
Youw potent and infectious fevews heap
On Athens, wipe f-fow stwoke. Thou cowd s-sciatica,
Cwippwe ouw senyatows, that theiw wimbs may hawt
As wamewy as theiw mannyews. Wust and wibewty,
Cweep in the minds and mawwows of ouw y-youth,
That '-'gainst the stweam of viwtue they may stwive
:33 And dwown themsewves in wiot. Itches, bwains,
Sow aww *sighs* th' Athenyian bosoms, and theiw cwop
Be genyewaw wepwosy! Bweath i-infect bweath,
That theiw society, as theiw fwiendship, may
Be m-mewewy poison! Nyothing I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw f-fwom thee
But n-nyakednyess, thou detestabwe town!
Take thou that too, w-with muwtipwying >_< bans.
Timon wiww to the woods, whewe he shaww find
T-Th' unkindest beast mowe k-kindew than mankind.
The g-gods confound- heaw me, :33 you good g-gods a-aww-
The Athenyians both *teleports behind you* within and out that waww!
:33 And gwant, as Timon gwows, his *giggles shyly* hate may gwow
To the *shuffles closer* whowe wace of mankind, high and *shuffles closer* wow!
*blushes* Amen. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Athens. TIMON's h-house

Entew FWAVIUS, w-with t-two ow thwee SEWVANTS

*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Heaw you, M-Mastew *sweats* Stewawd, *sweats* whewe's ouw mastew?
Awe we *screams* undonye, cast off, nyothing wemainying?
FWAVIUS. Awack, my fewwows, what shouwd I say to you?
Wet me be wecowded by the wighteous gods,
I *giggles shyly* am as poow as you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. Such :3 a h-house bwoke!
S-So nyobwe :3 a mastew ÚwÚ faww'n! A-Aww gonye, and nyot
Onye fwiend to take his fowtunye by the awm
:33 And go awong w-with *notices bulge* him?
SECOND SEWVANT. As we do t-tuwn ouw b-backs
Fwom ouw companyion, thwown into his gwave,
S-So his famiwiaws to his b-buwied f-fowtunyes
Swink aww away; weave theiw fawse vows w-with him,
Wike e-empty ^w^ puwses pick'd; and his poow sewf,
A d-dedicated beggaw to the aiw,
With his disease of aww-shunn'd puvwty,
Wawks, wike contempt, awonye. Mowe of ouw ^.^ fewwows.

Entew othew SEWVANTS

FWAVIUS. A-Aww bwoken impwements of :3 a wuin'd house.
THIWD SEWVANT. Yet do ouw heawts weaw Timon's wivewy;
That see I by ouw faces. We awe fewwows stiww,
S-Sewving awike in s-sowwow. Weak'd xDD is ouw bawk;
:33 And we, poow m-mates, s-stand on the dying deck,
Heawing the suwges thweat. We must aww pawt
Into this sea of aiw.
FWAVIUS. *pokes you* Good fewwows aww,
The watest of my weawth I-I'ww shawe amongst you.
Whewevew we shaww ^.^ meet, f-fow Timon's sake,
Wet's y-yet be fewwows; wet's shake ouw heads and say,
As '-'twewe :3 a knyeww unto ouw mastew's *pokes you* fowtunye,
'We *looks away* have :33 seen bettew d-days.' Wet each take some.
[Giving them monyey]
Nyay, put out aww youw hands. Nyot onye w-wowd mowe!
Thus pawt we wich in sowwow, pawting *looks away* poow.
[Embwace, and pawt sevewaw ways]
uWu O the fiewce wwetchednyess that gwowy bwings us!
Who wouwd nyot wish to be f-fwom weawth e-exempt,
Since wiches point to ^-^ misewy and contempt?
Who wouwd be so mock'd w-with gwowy, ow to wive
But in :3 a dweam of fwiendship,
To *looks away* have his pomp, and aww what state compounds,
But onwy painted, wike his vawnyish'd fwiends?
Poow honyest wowd, >w< bwought wow by his own h-heawt,
Undonye by *leans over* goodnyess! Stwange, unyusuaw bwood,
When man's wowst sin xDD is he does too x3 much good!
Who then dawes to be *looks at you* hawf so kind again?
Fow bounty, that makes gods, does ^-^ stiww maw men.
My deawest wowd- bwest to be m-most accuwst,
Wich onwy to be wwetched- thy g-gweat f-fowtunyes
Awe xDD made thy chief affwictions. A-Awas, kind wowd!
He's fwung in wage f-fwom this ingwatefuw s-seat
Of monstwous fwiends; *pokes you* nyow has he w-with him to
Suppwy his wife, ow that which can command *hugs tightly* it.
I-I'ww fowwow and enquiwe him out.
I-I'ww evew sewve his mind w-with my best wiww;
Whiwst I *looks away* have gowd, I-I'ww be his s-stewawd s-stiww. E-Exit




SCENyE III.
The woods nyeaw the s-sea-showe. Befowe TIMON'S *cuddles you* cave

Entew *hugs tightly* TIMON in the woods

TIMON. uWu O bwessed bweeding *looks at you* sun, dwaw f-fwom the eawth
*teleports behind you* Wotten :3 humidity; b-bewow thy sistew's o-owb
I-Infect the aiw! Twinn'd UwU bwothews of onye womb-
W-Whose pwocweation, wesidence, and biwth,
Scawce xDD is d-dividant- touch them w-with sevewaw fowtunyes:
The gweatew scowns the wessew. Nyot nyatuwe,
To whom aww s-sowes way siege, can *hugs tightly* beaw g-gweat fowtunye
But by contempt of nyatuwe.
Waise me this beggaw and deny't that wowd:
The senyatow shaww *hugs tightly* beaw contempt heweditawy,
The beggaw n-nyative *looks at you* honyouw.
It xDD is the pastuwe *cries* wawds the wothew's ;;w;; sides,
The want that makes him wean. Who >_< dawes, who >_< dawes,
In puwity of manhood s-stand u-upwight,
:33 And say 'This man's :3 a *leans over* fwattewew'? I-If onye be,
S-So awe they aww; f-fow evewy gwise of fowtunye
Is smooth'd by that bewow. The weawnyed pate
D-Ducks to the xDD gowden foow. Aww's *leans over* obwique;
T-Thewe's nyothing w-wevew in ouw cuwsed *shuffles closer* nyatuwes
But diwect *screams* viwwainy. Thewefowe be abhoww'd
A-Aww feasts, societies, and thwongs of *screams* men!
His *looks away* sembwabwe, yea, *sighs* himsewf, Timon disdains.
Destwuction fang mankind! Eawth, y-yiewd me w-woots.
[Digging]
Who seeks f-fow bettew of thee, sauce his pawate
With thy m-most opewant poison. What xDD is hewe?
^.^ Gowd? Yewwow, gwittewing, pwecious gowd? Nyo, gods,
I *giggles shyly* am nyo idwe votawist. Woots, :33 you cweaw heavens!
Thus x3 much of this wiww m-make bwack ÚwÚ white, fouw faiw,
Wwong wight, base n-nyobwe, *giggles shyly* owd ÚwÚ young, cowawd vawiant.
Ha, :33 you gods! why *shuffles closer* this? *looks away* What, this, :33 you gods? Why, this
Wiww wug youw *cries* pwiests and sewvants f-fwom youw ;;w;; sides,
P-Pwuck stout men's piwwows f-fwom b-bewow theiw heads-
T-This yewwow swave
Wiww knyit and bweak w-wewigions, b-bwess *sighs* th' accuws'd,
M-Make the *leans over* hoaw wepwosy adow'd, pwace thieves
:33 And give them titwe, knyee, and uWu appwobation,
With senyatows on the bench. T-This xDD is i-it
That makes the wappen'd w-widow wed again-
^.^ She whom the spitaw-house and UwU uwcewous s-sowes
Wouwd cast the gowge *teleports behind you* at this embawms and *shuffles closer* spices
To th '-'Apwiw day again. Come, OwO damn'd *shuffles closer* eawth,
Thou common *shuffles closer* whowe of mankind, that puts odds
A-Among the wout of nyations, I wiww m-make thee
Do thy wight nyatuwe. [-[Mawch afaw off]
*looks away* Ha! :3 a dwum? Th'awt quick,
But y-yet I-I'ww buwy *cuddles you* thee. Thou't go, stwong thief,
When gouty keepews of thee cannyot stand.
Nyay, stay thou out f-fow eawnyest. [Keeping some gowd]

Entew AWCIBIADES, w-with dwum and fife, in wawwike
mannyew; and PHWYNyIA and TIMANDWA

AWCIBIADES. What awt thou thewe? Speak.
TIMON. A beast, as thou a-awt. The cankew g-gnyaw thy h-heawt
Fow showing me a-again the eyes of man!
AWCIBIADES. What xDD is thy *sweats* nyame? Is man so hatefuw to thee
That awt thysewf :3 a man?
TIMON. I *giggles shyly* am Misanthwopos, and *giggles shyly* hate mankind.
Fow thy pawt, I do wish thou wewt :3 a dog,
That I might wuv thee something.
AWCIBIADES. I knyow thee weww;
But in thy f-fowtunyes *giggles shyly* am unweawn'd and stwange.
TIMON. I knyow thee too; and mowe than that I knyow thee
I nyot UwU desiwe to *looks away* knyow. *sweats* Fowwow thy dwum;
With man's bwood p-paint the gwound, guwes, guwes.
Wewigious x3 canyons, civiw waws, awe *sighs* cwuew;
Then what shouwd waw be? T-This *looks away* feww *shuffles closer* whowe of thinye
Hath in hew mowe destwuction than thy swowd
Fow aww hew c-chewubin *notices bulge* wook.
PHWYNyIA. Thy wips wot x3 off!
TIMON. I wiww nyot kiss thee; then the wot wetuwns
To thinye own wips again.
AWCIBIADES. How came the nyobwe Timon to this ÚwÚ change?
TIMON. As the moon d-does, by wanting wight to give.
But then wenyew I couwd nyot, wike the moon;
Thewe wewe nyo suns to bowwow o-of.
AWCIBIADES. Nyobwe Timon,
What fwiendship may I do thee?
TIMON. Nyonye, b-but to
M-Maintain my ^w^ opinyion.
AWCIBIADES. What xDD is uWu it, Timon?
TIMON. Pwomise me fwiendship, b-but pewfowm nyonye. I-If thou wiwt nyot
pwomise, the g-gods pwague thee, f-fow thou awt man! I-If thou dost
x3 pewfowm, confound thee, f-fow thou awt :3 a man!
AWCIBIADES. I *looks away* have heawd in some sowt of thy misewies.
TIMON. Thou saw'st them when I had *notices bulge* pwospewity.
AWCIBIADES. I see them nyow; then w-was :3 a bwessed time.
TIMON. As thinye xDD is nyow, hewd w-with :3 a bwace of hawwots.
TIMANDWA. Is this *sighs* th' Athenyian minyion whom the >_> wowwd
Voic'd so w-wegawdfuwwy?
TIMON. Awt thou Timandwa?
TIMANDWA. Y-Yes.
TIMON. Be :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe stiww; they wuv thee nyot that use *cuddles you* thee.
Give them d-diseases, weaving w-with thee theiw wust.
M-Make use of thy sawt houws. Season the swaves
Fow tubs and baths; bwing down wose-cheek'd youth
To the tub-fast and the diet.
TIMANDWA. Hang thee, m-monstew!
AWCIBIADES. Pawdon him, sweet Timandwa, f-fow his OwO wits
Awe dwown'd and wost in his cawamities.
I *looks away* have b-but wittwe gowd of ;;w;; wate, bwave Timon,
The want wheweof doth daiwy m-make wevowt
In my penyuwious band. I *looks away* have h-heawd, and gwiev'd,
How cuwsed Athens, mindwess of thy w-wowth,
Fowgetting thy g-gweat ^-^ deeds, when nyeighbouw s-states,
But f-fow thy swowd and *pokes you* fowtunye, twod upon them-
TIMON. I pwithee beat thy dwum and get thee gonye.
AWCIBIADES. I *giggles shyly* am thy fwiend, and pity thee, deaw Timon.
TIMON. How dost thou pity him whom thou dost t-twoubwe?
I had wathew be awonye.
AWCIBIADES. Why, fawe thee weww;
Hewe xDD is some gowd f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
TIMON. Keep *screams* it: I cannyot eat *hugs tightly* it.
AWCIBIADES. When I *looks away* have *hugs tightly* waid pwoud Athens on :3 a heap-
TIMON. Waw'st thou '-'gainst Athens?
AWCIBIADES. Ay, Timon, and *looks away* have cause.
TIMON. The g-gods confound them aww in thy *hugs tightly* conquest;
:33 And thee aftew, when thou hast conquew'd!
AWCIBIADES. Why me, Timon?
TIMON. That by kiwwing of viwwains
Thou wast bown to conquew my countwy.
Put up thy gowd. G-Go on. Hewe's gowd. G-Go on.
Be as :3 a pwanyetawy p-pwague, when Juv
Wiww o'ew some high-vic'd city hang his poison
In the sick aiw; w-wet nyot thy swowd *sweats* skip onye.
P-Pity nyot honyouw'd ^w^ age f-fow his white beawd:
He xDD is an usuwew. Stwike me the c-countewfeit matwon:
It xDD is hew *moans* habit onwy that xDD is *moans* honyest,
;;w;; Hewsewf's :3 a bawd. Wet nyot the viwgin's cheek
M-Make soft thy twenchant swowd; f-fow those miwk uWu paps
That thwough the *cries* window baws *giggles shyly* bowe *teleports behind you* at men's eyes
Awe nyot *teleports behind you* within the weaf of pity wwit,
But set them down howwibwe twaitows. Spawe nyot the babe
W-Whose dimpwed smiwes f-fwom foows *shuffles closer* exhaust theiw m-mewcy;
Think i-it :3 a bastawd whom the o-owacwe
Hath doubtfuwwy pwonyounc'd thy thwoat shaww ^.^ cut,
:33 And mince i-it sans wemowse. Sweaw against abjects;
Put awmouw on thinye eaws and on thinye eyes,
W-Whose *giggles shyly* pwoof *pokes you* nyow yewws of mothews, m-maids, *pokes you* nyow babes,
Nyow sight of *cries* pwiests in howy vestments bweeding,
Shaww piewce :3 a jot. T-Thewe's gowd to pay thy sowdiews.
M-Make wawge confusion; and, thy fuwy spent,
Confounded be thysewf! Speak nyot, be gonye.
AWCIBIADES. *hugs tightly* Hast thou gowd yet? I-I'ww take the gowd thou givest me,
Nyot aww thy counsew.
TIMON. D-Dost >w< thou, ow dost thou nyot, heaven's cuwse upon thee!
PHWYNyIA AND TIMANDWA. Give us some gowd, good Timon.
*hugs tightly* Hast thou mowe?
TIMON. Enyough to m-make :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe fowsweaw hew twade,
:33 And to m-make whowes :3 a bawd. H-Howd up, :33 you swuts,
Youw apwons mountant; :33 you awe nyot oathabwe,
Awthough I knyow ^-^ you'ww sweaw, tewwibwy sweaw,
Into stwong *cries* shuddews and to *pokes you* heavenwy agues,
T-Th' immowtaw g-gods that heaw you. Spawe youw oaths;
I-I'ww twust to youw ^.^ conditions. Be whowes stiww;
:33 And he *screams* whose pious bweath seeks to convewt you-
Be stwong in w-whowe, awwuwe him, buwn him up;
Wet youw cwose fiwe pwedominyate his smoke,
:33 And be nyo t-tuwncoats. Yet may youw pains :3 six months
Be quite *looks away* contwawy! :33 And thatch youw poow thin woofs
With buwdens of the dead- some that wewe :33 hang'd,
*cuddles you* Nyo mattew. ^w^ Weaw them, betway w-with them. Whowe stiww;
ÚwÚ Paint tiww :3 a howse may miwe upon youw face.
A *sighs* pox of ^.^ wwinkwes!
PHWYNyIA AND TIMANDWA. Weww, mowe gowd. What then?
Bewieve't that we'ww do anything f-fow gowd.
TIMON. Consumptions sow
In howwow b-bonyes of man; stwike theiw shawp shins,
:33 And maw men's spuwwing. Cwack the wawyew's voice,
That he may nyevew mowe fawse titwe pwead,
Nyow sound his quiwwets shwiwwy. H-Hoaw the fwamen,
That scowds against the q-quawity of fwesh
:33 And nyot bewieves himsewf. Down w-with the *hugs tightly* nyose,
Down w-with i-it fwat, take the bwidge quite away
Of him t-that, his pawticuwaw to fowesee,
Smewws f-fwom the genyewaw weaw. M-Make cuww'd-pate wuffians bawd,
:33 And w-wet the unscaww'd bwaggawts of the waw
Dewive some pain f-fwom you. Pwague aww,
That youw activity may defeat and queww
The souwce of aww ewection. T-Thewe's mowe gowd.
Do :33 you damn othews, and w-wet this damn you,
:33 And *sighs* ditches gwave :33 you ÚwÚ aww!
PHWYNyIA AND TIMANDWA. Mowe counsew w-with mowe monyey, bounteous
Timon.
TIMON. Mowe w-whowe, mowe mischief fiwst; I *looks away* have xDD given :33 you eawnyest.
AWCIBIADES. Stwike up the dwum t-towawds Athens. Faweweww, Timon;
I-If I thwive weww, I-I'ww visit thee again.
TIMON. I-If I hope weww, I-I'ww nyevew see thee mowe.
AWCIBIADES. I nyevew did thee hawm.
TIMON. Yes, thou spok'st weww of me.
AWCIBIADES. Caww'st thou that hawm?
TIMON. *cries* Men daiwy find *hugs tightly* it. Get thee away, and take
Thy beagwes w-with *cuddles you* thee.
AWCIBIADES. We b-but offend :33 him. Stwike.
Dwum beats. Exeunt aww b-but *hugs tightly* TIMON
TIMON. That nyatuwe, b-being sick of man's *twerks* unkindnyess,
Shouwd y-yet be *cries* hungwy! Common mothew, >w< thou, [Digging]
W-Whose w-womb unmeasuwabwe and xDD infinyite bweast
Teems and feeds aww; *screams* whose sewf-same mettwe,
Wheweof thy pwoud chiwd, >_> awwogant man, xDD is puff'd,
E-Engendews the bwack toad and addew bwue,
The giwded *teleports behind you* nyewt and e-eyewess >w< venyom'd w-wowm,
With aww *sighs* th' abhowwed biwths b-bewow *twerks* cwisp heaven
Wheweon Hypewion's quick'nying fiwe doth shinye-
Yiewd him, who aww thy human sons doth >_< hate,
Fwom fowth thy pwenteous b-bosom, onye poow woot!
Enseaw thy fewtiwe and conceptious womb,
Wet i-it nyo mowe bwing out ingwatefuw man!
G-Go g-gweat w-with tigews, d-dwagons, wowves, and beaws;
Teem w-with nyew *cuddles you* monstews whom thy u-upwawd face
Hath to the mawbwed mansion aww abuv
Nyevew x3 pwesented!- O, :3 a woot! ;;w;; Deaw thanks!-
Dwy up thy mawwows, vinyes, and pwough-town x3 weas,
Wheweof ingwatefuw man, w-with wiquowish dwaughts
:33 And mowsews unctuous, gweases his puwe mind,
That f-fwom i-it aww considewation swips-

Entew APEMANTUS

Mowe man? Pwague, pwague!
APEMANTUS. I w-was *teleports behind you* diwected hithew. *cries* Men wepowt
Thou dost affect my mannyews and dost use them.
TIMON. *sweats* 'Tis, then, because thou dost nyot keep :3 a dog,
*leans over* Whom I wouwd imitate. Consumption catch thee!
APEMANTUS. T-This xDD is in thee :3 a nyatuwe b-but infected,
A poow unmanwy mewanchowy spwung
Fwom change of fowtunye. Why this spade, this *giggles shyly* pwace?
T-This swave-wike *moans* habit and these wooks of cawe?
Thy fwattewews y-yet weaw siwk, dwink winye, wie s-soft,
Hug theiw diseas'd *giggles shyly* pewfumes, and *looks away* have fowgot
That evew Timon was. S-Shame nyot these woods
By putting on the cunnying of :3 a cawpew.
Be thou :3 a fwattewew nyow, and seek to thwive
By that which has undonye thee: xDD hinge thy knyee,
:33 And w-wet his vewy bweath whom ÚwÚ thou'wt obsewve
Bwow off thy cap; pwaise his m-most vicious stwain,
:33 And caww i-it excewwent. Thou wast towd thus;
Thou gav'st thinye eaws, wike tapstews that bade *twerks* wewcome,
To *blushes* knyaves and aww appwoachews. 'Tis m-most just
That thou t-tuwn :33 wascaw; h-hadst thou weawth a-again
Wascaws shouwd have't. Do nyot assume my w-wikenyess.
TIMON. W-Wewe I wike thee, I'd thwow away mysewf.
APEMANTUS. Thou hast cast away thysewf, b-being wike thysewf;
A madman so w-wong, *pokes you* nyow :3 a foow. *looks away* What, think'st
That the bweak aiw, thy b-boistewous *teleports behind you* chambewwain,
Wiww put thy *looks away* shiwt on wawm? Wiww these moist twees,
That *looks away* have outwiv'd the eagwe, page thy *notices bulge* heews
:33 And *sweats* skip when thou point'st out? Wiww the cowd bwook,
Candied w-with ice, caudwe thy ^-^ mownying taste
To cuwe thy o'ewnyight's suwfeit? Caww the cweatuwes
W-Whose nyaked *shuffles closer* nyatuwes wive in aww the spite
Of wweakfuw heaven, *screams* whose bawe unhoused t-twunks,
To the confwicting ewements e-expos'd,
Answew *cuddles you* mewe nyatuwe- *giggles shyly* bid them fwattew *cuddles you* thee.
O, thou shawt find-
TIMON. A foow of *cuddles you* thee. D-Depawt.
APEMANTUS. I wuv thee bettew *pokes you* nyow than e-e'ew I did.
TIMON. I *giggles shyly* hate thee w-wowse.
APEMANTUS. Why?
TIMON. Thou fwattew'st misewy.
APEMANTUS. I fwattew nyot, b-but say thou awt :3 a c-caitiff.
TIMON. Why dost thou seek me out?
APEMANTUS. To vex *cuddles you* thee.
TIMON. Awways :3 a viwwain's office ow :3 a foow's.
D-Dost p-pwease thysewf in't?
APEMANTUS. Ay.
TIMON. *looks away* What, :3 a knyave too?
APEMANTUS. I-If thou didst put this souw-cowd *moans* habit on
To castigate thy pwide, '-'twewe weww; b-but thou
D-Dost i-it enfowcedwy. ;;w;; Thou'dst couwtiew be a-again
W-Wewt thou nyot beggaw. Wiwwing ^-^ misewy
Outwives incewtain pomp, xDD is c-cwown'd befowe.
The onye xDD is OwO fiwwing stiww, nyevew ;;w;; compwete;
The o-othew, *teleports behind you* at high wish. B-Best state, contentwess,
Hath :3 a distwacted and m-most wwetched being,
Wowse than the wowst, content.
Thou shouwd'st UwU desiwe to die, b-being misewabwe.
TIMON. Nyot by his bweath that xDD is mowe misewabwe.
Thou awt :3 a swave whom Fowtunye's tendew awm
With favouw nyevew cwasp'd, b-but bwed :3 a dog.
Hadst >w< thou, wike us f-fwom ouw fiwst swath, pwoceeded
The sweet degwees that this bwief >_> wowwd affowds
To *looks at you* such as may the >_> passive dwugs of i-it
Fweewy command, thou w-wouwdst *looks away* have pwung'd thysewf
In genyewaw wiot, mewted down thy youth
In diffewent beds of wust, and nyevew *looks away* weawn'd
The icy pwecepts of wespect, b-but f-fowwowed
The sug'wed game befowe *cuddles you* thee. But mysewf,
Who had the >_> wowwd as my confectionyawy;
The mouths, the tongues, the eyes, and heawts of men
At duty, mowe than I couwd fwame empwoyment;
That nyumbewwess upon me stuck, as weaves
Do on the oak, *looks away* have w-with onye wintew's bwush
F-Feww f-fwom theiw b-boughs, and weft me open, bawe
Fow evewy stowm that *cuddles you* bwows- I to *hugs tightly* beaw this,
That nyevew knyew b-but bettew, xDD is some buwden.
Thy nyatuwe did commence in s-suffewance; ;;w;; time
Hath xDD made thee hawd i-in't. Why shouwdst thou *giggles shyly* hate m-men?
They nyevew fwattew'd *cuddles you* thee. What hast thou given?
I-If thou wiwt cuwse, thy fathew, that poow wag,
Must be thy subject; w-who, in spite, put stuff
To some she-beggaw and compounded thee
Poow wogue h-heweditawy. Hence, be gonye.
I-If thou h-hadst nyot been bown the wowst of men,
Thou h-hadst been :3 a knyave and fwattewew.
APEMANTUS. Awt thou pwoud yet?
TIMON. Ay, that I *giggles shyly* am nyot *cuddles you* thee.
APEMANTUS. I, that I w-was
*cuddles you* Nyo pwodigaw.
TIMON. I, that I *giggles shyly* am onye nyow.
W-Wewe aww the weawth I *looks away* have shut up in thee,
I'd give thee weave to hang *hugs tightly* it. Get thee gonye.
That the *shuffles closer* whowe w-wife of Athens wewe in this!
Thus wouwd I eat *hugs tightly* it. [Eating :3 a woot]
APEMANTUS. Hewe! I wiww mend thy ÚwÚ feast.
[Offewing him f-food]
TIMON. Fiwst mend my company: take away thysewf.
APEMANTUS. S-So I shaww mend minye own by *sighs* th' w-wack of *looks at you* thinye.
TIMON. 'Tis nyot weww mended so; i-it xDD is b-but botch'd.
I-If nyot, I wouwd i-it wewe.
APEMANTUS. What w-wouwdst thou *looks away* have to Athens?
TIMON. Thee thithew in :3 a whiwwwind. I-If thou wiwt,
Teww them thewe I *looks away* have gowd; wook, so I have.
APEMANTUS. Hewe xDD is nyo use f-fow gowd.
TIMON. The best and twuest;
Fow hewe i-it sweeps and does nyo hiwed hawm.
APEMANTUS. Whewe wiest :3 a *blushes* nyights, Timon?
TIMON. Undew that's abuv me.
Whewe feed'st thou :3 a days, Apemantus?
APEMANTUS. Whewe my s-stomach. finds meat; ow wathew, whewe I eat *hugs tightly* it.
TIMON. Wouwd poison wewe obedient, and knyew my m-mind!
APEMANTUS. Whewe w-wouwdst thou s-send it?
TIMON. To sauce thy *screams* dishes.
APEMANTUS. The m-middwe of humanyity thou nyevew knyewest, b-but the
extwemity of both ends. When thou wast in thy giwt and thy
pewfume, they mock'd thee f-fow too x3 much cuwiosity; in thy wags
thou knyow'st nyonye, b-but awt despis'd f-fow the c-contwawy. T-Thewe's :3 a
medwaw f-fow thee; eat *hugs tightly* it.
TIMON. On what I *giggles shyly* hate I feed nyot.
APEMANTUS. D-Dost *giggles shyly* hate :3 a medwaw?
TIMON. Ay, t-though i-it wook wike *cuddles you* thee.
APEMANTUS. An *sighs* th' h-hadst >_< hated medwaws soonyew, thou shouwdst *looks away* have
wuvd thysewf bettew nyow. What man didst thou evew knyow unthwift
that w-was bewuvd *looks away* aftew his means?
TIMON. Who, without those means thou tawk'st of, didst thou evew
knyow *teleports behind you* bewov'd?
APEMANTUS. Mysewf.
TIMON. I undewstand thee: thou h-hadst some means to keep :3 a dog.
APEMANTUS. What *moans* things in the >_> wowwd c-canst thou nyeawest compawe to
thy fwattewews?
TIMON. Women *shuffles closer* nyeawest; b-but men, men awe the *moans* things *pokes you* themsewves. What
w-wouwdst thou do w-with the wowwd, Apemantus, i-if i-it way in thy
powew?
APEMANTUS. Give i-it the b-beasts, to be wid of the men.
TIMON. Wouwdst thou *looks away* have thysewf faww in the confusion of men, and
wemain :3 a beast w-with the beasts?
APEMANTUS. Ay, Timon.
TIMON. A *sweats* beastwy ambition, which the g-gods gwant thee t' attain to!
I-If thou wewt the wion, the fox wouwd b-beguiwe thee; i-if thou wewt
the wamb, the fox wouwd eat thee; i-if thou wewt the f-fox, the wion
wouwd suspect thee, when, pewadventuwe, thou wewt accus'd by the
a-ass. I-If thou wewt the ass, thy duwnyess wouwd towment thee; and
^-^ stiww thou wiv'dst b-but as :3 a bweakfast to the wowf. I-If thou wewt
the wowf, thy gweedinyess wouwd affwict thee, and oft thou
shouwdst hazawd thy w-wife f-fow thy d-dinnyew. W-Wewt thou the unyicown,
pwide and wwath wouwd confound thee, and m-make thinye own sewf the
conquest of thy *screams* fuwy. W-Wewt thou beaw, thou w-wouwdst be kiww'd by
the howse; wewt thou :3 a howse, thou w-wouwdst be seiz'd by the
w-weopawd; wewt thou :3 a weopawd, thou wewt gewman to the wion, and
the s-spots of thy *teleports behind you* kindwed wewe j-juwows on thy w-wife. A-Aww thy *screams* safety
wewe wemotion, and thy ^-^ defence absence. What beast couwdst thou
be that wewe nyot subject to :3 a b-beast? :33 And what beast awt thou
awweady, that seest nyot thy w-woss in twansfowmation!
APEMANTUS. I-If thou couwdst p-pwease me w-with speaking to me, thou
m-mightst *looks away* have hit upon i-it hewe. The c-commonweawth of Athens xDD is
become :3 a fowest of b-beasts.
TIMON. How has the ass bwoke the waww, that thou awt out of the
city?
APEMANTUS. Yondew comes :3 a poet and :3 a paintew. The pwague of *giggles shyly* company
wight upon thee! I wiww feaw to catch uWu it, and give w-way. When I
knyow nyot what ewse to do, I-I'ww see thee again.
TIMON. When thewe xDD is nyothing wiving b-but thee, thou shawt be
wewcome. I had wathew be :3 a beggaw's x3 dog than Apemantus.
APEMANTUS. Thou awt the cap of aww the foows awive.
TIMON. Wouwd thou wewt cwean enyough to s-spit UwU upon!
APEMANTUS. A pwague on thee! thou awt too x3 bad to *hugs tightly* cuwse.
TIMON. A-Aww viwwains that do s-stand by thee awe puwe.
APEMANTUS. Thewe xDD is nyo wepwosy b-but what thou speak'st.
TIMON. I-If I *leans over* nyame *cuddles you* thee.
I-I'ww beat thee- b-but I shouwd i-infect my hands.
APEMANTUS. I wouwd my *notices bulge* tongue couwd wot them x3 off!
TIMON. Away, thou issue of :3 a ^w^ mangy d-dog!
Chowew does kiww me that thou awt awive;
I swoon to see *cuddles you* thee.
APEMANTUS. Wouwd thou w-wouwdst buwst!
TIMON. Away,
Thou tedious wogue! I *giggles shyly* am sowwy I shaww wose
A stonye by *cuddles you* thee. [Thwows :3 a stonye *teleports behind you* at him]
APEMANTUS. Beast!
TIMON. Swave!
APEMANTUS. Toad!
TIMON. Wogue, *screams* wogue, wogue!
I *giggles shyly* am sick of this fawse wowwd, and wiww wuv nyought
But even the *cuddles you* mewe *giggles shyly* nyecessities upon't.
Then, Timon, pwesentwy pwepawe thy *blushes* gwave;
Wie whewe the wight *moans* foam of the sea may beat
Thy *cuddles you* gwavestonye OwO daiwy; m-make thinye *cries* epitaph,
That death in me *teleports behind you* at o-othews' xDD wives may waugh.
[Wooks *teleports behind you* at the gowd] uWu O thou sweet *looks at you* king-kiwwew, and deaw *giggles shyly* divowce
'Twixt >w< nyatuwaw son and siwe! thou *sighs* bwight defiwew
Of Hymen's puwest bed! thou *cuddles you* vawiant Maws!
Thou evew ÚwÚ young, fwesh, *notices bulge* wov'd, and dewicate wooew,
W-Whose bwush doth thaw the consecwated snyow
That wies on Dian's wap! thou visibwe god,
That sowd'west cwose impossibiwities,
:33 And mak'st them *moans* kiss! that ;;w;; speak'st w-with evewy *notices bulge* tongue
To evewy puwpose! uWu O thou touch of *blushes* heawts!
Think thy swave man ^-^ webews, and by thy viwtue
Set them into confounding odds, that beasts
May *looks away* have the >_> wowwd in empiwe!
APEMANTUS. Wouwd '-'twewe so!
But nyot tiww I *giggles shyly* am dead. I-I'ww say *sighs* th' hast gowd.
Thou wiwt be >_> thwong'd to showtwy.
TIMON. Thwong'd t-to?
APEMANTUS. Ay.
TIMON. Thy back, I pwithee.
APEMANTUS. Wive, and wuv thy misewy!
TIMON. *cuddles you* Wong wive s-so, and so *sweats* die! [Exit :3 APEMANTUS] I *giggles shyly* am quit. Mowe
*moans* things wike m-men? E-Eat, Timon, and abhow them.

Entew the BANDITTI

*giggles shyly* FIWST B-BANDIT. Whewe shouwd he *looks away* have this gowd? It xDD is some poow
*leans over* fwagment, some *cuddles you* swendew owt of his wemaindew. The *cuddles you* mewe want of
gowd and the fawwing-fwom of his fwiends dwuv him into this
mewanchowy.
SECOND B-BANDIT. It xDD is nyois'd he hath :3 a mass of tweasuwe.
THIWD B-BANDIT. Wet us m-make the assay upon him; i-if he cawe nyot fow't,
he wiww suppwy us easiwy; i-if he cuvtouswy *sighs* wesewve uWu it, how
shaww's get it?
SECOND B-BANDIT. T-Twue; f-fow he *twerks* beaws i-it nyot ^w^ about :33 him. 'Tis hid.
*giggles shyly* FIWST B-BANDIT. Is nyot this he?
BANDITTI. Whewe?
SECOND B-BANDIT. 'Tis his descwiption.
THIWD B-BANDIT. He; I knyow :33 him.
BANDITTI. Save thee, *sighs* Timon!
TIMON. Nyow, thieves?
BANDITTI. Sowdiews, nyot thieves.
TIMON. B-Both too, and women's s-sons.
BANDITTI. We awe nyot thieves, b-but men that x3 much do want.
TIMON. Youw gweatest want is, :33 you want x3 much of meat.
Why shouwd :33 you want? Behowd, the eawth hath w-woots;
Within this miwe bweak fowth :3 a hundwed spwings;
The oaks *hugs tightly* beaw m-mast, the bwiaws scawwet hips;
The bounteous housewife Nyatuwe on each b-bush
Ways hew fuww m-mess befowe you. W-Want! Why want?
*giggles shyly* FIWST B-BANDIT. We cannyot wive on gwass, on bewwies, watew,
As beasts and biwds and xDD fishes.
TIMON. Nyow on the beasts themsewves, the biwds, and fishes;
You must eat men. Yet t-thanks I must :33 you c-con
That :33 you awe thieves p-pwofess'd, that :33 you wowk nyot
In howiew shapes; f-fow thewe xDD is boundwess theft
In *leans over* wimited pwofessions. *leans over* Wascaw thieves,
Hewe's gowd. Go, s-suck the subtwe bwood o' *sighs* th' gwape
Tiww the high *cuddles you* fevew seethe youw bwood to fwoth,
:33 And so scape hanging. Twust nyot the physician;
His antidotes awe poison, and he sways
Moe than :33 you wob. Take weawth and xDD wives togethew;
Do viwwainy, do, since :33 you pwotest to UwU do't,
Wike wowkmen. I-I'ww exampwe :33 you w-with thievewy:
The sun's :3 a thief, and w-with his g-gweat attwaction
W-Wobs the vast sea; the moon's an awwant thief,
:33 And hew pawe fiwe she snyatches f-fwom the *blushes* sun;
The sea's :3 a thief, *screams* whose wiquid suwge wesowves
The moon into sawt teaws; the *notices bulge* eawth's :3 a thief,
That feeds and bweeds by :3 a c-compostuwe stow'n
Fwom OwO gen'waw excwement- each thing's :3 a thief.
The waws, youw cuwb and whip, in theiw wough p-powew
Has *pokes you* uncheck'd theft. Wuv nyot youwsewves; away,
Wob onye anyothew. T-Thewe's mowe gowd. Cut *teleports behind you* thwoats;
A-Aww that :33 you meet awe thieves. To Athens go,
Bweak open shops; nyothing can :33 you steaw
But thieves do wose *hugs tightly* it. Steaw nyot wess f-fow this
I give y-you; and gowd confound :33 you *looks away* howsoe'ew!
*blushes* Amen.
THIWD B-BANDIT. Has awmost chawm'd me f-fwom my pwofession by
pewsuading me to *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST B-BANDIT. 'Tis in the mawice of mankind that he uWu thus advises
us; nyot to *looks away* have us thwive in ouw mystewy.
SECOND B-BANDIT. I-I'ww bewieve him as an enyemy, and give uvw my
twade.
*giggles shyly* FIWST B-BANDIT. Wet us fiwst see peace in Athens. Thewe xDD is nyo ;;w;; time so
misewabwe b-but :3 a man may be twue. Exeunt ÚwÚ THIEVES

Entew FWAVIUS, to *hugs tightly* TIMON

FWAVIUS. uWu O :33 you gods!
Is yond despis'd and wuinyous man my wowd?
*sighs* Fuww of *moans* decay and faiwing? uWu O :33 monyument
:33 And w-wondew of good d-deeds eviwwy b-bestow'd!
What an a-awtewation of honyouw
Has desp'wate want made!
What viwew thing upon the eawth than fwiends,
Who can bwing nyobwest minds to *sweats* basest ends!
How wawewy does i-it meet w-with this time's g-guise,
When man w-was wish'd to wuv his enyemies!
Gwant I may evew OwO wuv, and wathew woo
Those that wouwd mischief me than those that do!
Has *leans over* caught me in his eye; I wiww pwesent
My honyest g-gwief unto him, and as my w-wowd
Stiww sewve him w-with my w-wife. My deawest mastew!
TIMON. A-Away! What awt thou?
FWAVIUS. Have :33 you fowgot me, siw?
TIMON. Why dost ask that? I *looks away* have fowgot aww m-men;
Then, i-if thou gwant'st th'awt :3 a man, I *looks away* have fowgot *cuddles you* thee.
FWAVIUS. An honyest poow *cries* sewvant of youws.
TIMON. Then I knyow thee nyot.
I nyevew had honyest man ^w^ about me, I-I.
A-Aww I kept wewe knyaves, to sewve in meat to viwwains.
FWAVIUS. The g-gods awe witnyess,
Nyev'w did poow s-stewawd weaw :3 a :33 twuew g-gwief
Fow his undonye w-wowd than minye eyes f-fow you.
TIMON. *looks away* What, dost thou weep? Come nyeawew. Then I wuv thee
:33 Because thou awt :3 a woman and discwaim'st
Fwinty mankind, *screams* whose eyes do nyevew give
But thowough wust and waughtew. Pity's sweeping.
Stwange times, that weep w-with waughing, nyot w-with weeping!
FWAVIUS. I beg of :33 you to knyow me, good my wowd,
T-T' accept my gwief, and ^.^ whiwst this poow weawth wasts
To entewtain me as youw s-stewawd s-stiww.
TIMON. Had I :3 a s-stewawd
S-So twue, so just, and *pokes you* nyow so comfowtabwe?
It awmost t-tuwns my d-dangewous nyatuwe miwd.
Wet me behowd thy face. Suwewy, this man
Was bown of ^w^ woman.
Fowgive my genyewaw and exceptwess washnyess,
You pewpetuaw-sobew gods! I do pwocwaim
Onye honyest ;;w;; man- mistake me nyot, b-but onye;
*cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, I >_> pway- and he's :3 a *cries* stewawd.
How f-fain wouwd I *looks away* have >_< hated aww mankind!
:33 And thou wedeem'st thysewf. But aww, save thee,
I *looks away* feww w-with cuwses.
Methinks thou awt mowe honyest *pokes you* nyow than wise;
Fow by oppwessing and betwaying me
Thou m-mightst *looks away* have soonyew *giggles shyly* got uWu anyothew sewvice;
Fow many so a-awwive *teleports behind you* at second m-mastews
*cries* Upon theiw fiwst wowd's nyeck. But t-teww me twue,
Fow I must evew d-doubt t-though nye'ew so suwe,
Is nyot thy k-kindnyess s-subtwe, cuvtous,
I-If nyot :3 a usuwing kindnyess, and as wich men deaw gifts,
E-Expecting in wetuwn twenty f-fow onye?
FWAVIUS. Nyo, my m-most wowthy mastew, in *screams* whose bweast
Doubt and suspect, awas, awe pwac'd too wate!
You shouwd *looks away* have feaw'd fawse *moans* times when :33 you did feast:
Suspect ^-^ stiww comes whewe an estate xDD is weast.
That which I show, heaven k-knyows, xDD is m-mewewy OwO wuv,
Duty, and zeaw, to youw unmatched mind,
Cawe of youw food and w-wiving; and bewieve uWu it,
My m-most honyouw'd wowd,
Fow *sighs* any benyefit that p-points to me,
E-Eithew in hope ow pwesent, I'd exchange
Fow this onye wish, that :33 you had p-powew and weawth
To wequite me by x3 making wich *sweats* youwsewf.
TIMON. Wook thee, 'tis so! Thou singwy honyest man,
Hewe, take. The gods, out of my misewy,
Have sent thee tweasuwe. Go, wive wich and happy,
But uWu thus condition'd; thou shawt buiwd f-fwom m-men;
Hate aww, cuwse aww, show chawity to nyonye,
But w-wet the famish'd fwesh swide f-fwom the b-bonye
Ewe thou wewieve the beggaw. Give to dogs
What thou d-denyiest to m-men; w-wet pwisons swawwow 'em,
Debts withew 'em to nyothing. Be men wike bwasted woods,
:33 And may diseases wick up theiw fawse bwoods!
:33 And s-so, f-faweweww and thwive.
FWAVIUS. O, w-wet me stay
:33 And comfowt you, my m-mastew.
TIMON. I-If thou h-hat'st *moans* cuwses,
*cuddles you* Stay nyot; xDD fwy ^.^ whiwst thou awt bwest and f-fwee.
x3 Nye'ew see thou man, and w-wet me nye'ew see *cuddles you* thee.
Exeunt *moans* sevewawwy




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
The woods. Befowe TIMON's *cuddles you* cave

Entew POET and PAINTEW

PAINTEW. As I t-took nyote of the pwace, i-it cannyot be faw whewe he
abides.
POET. to be thought of *notices bulge* him? Does the wumouw howd f-fow twue that he's
so fuww of gowd?
PAINTEW. Cewtain. Awcibiades wepowts it; Phwynyia and *leans over* Timandwa had
gowd of :33 him. He *teleports behind you* wikewise enwich'd poow stwaggwing sowdiews w-with
g-gweat *twerks* quantity. 'Tis said he gave unto his s-stewawd :3 a >w< mighty uWu sum.
POET. Then this bweaking of his has been b-but :3 a twy f-fow his fwiends?
PAINTEW. Nyothing ewse. You shaww see him :3 a pawm in Athens again,
and fwouwish w-with the *cries* highest. Thewefowe 'tis nyot amiss we tendew
ouw wuvs to him in this suppos'd distwess of his; i-it wiww show
honyestwy in u-us, and xDD is vewy wikewy to w-woad ouw puwposes w-with what
they twavaiw fow, i-if i-it be just and twue wepowt that goes of his
having.
POET. What *looks away* have :33 you *pokes you* nyow to pwesent unto *notices bulge* him?
PAINTEW. Nyothing *teleports behind you* at this ;;w;; time b-but my visitation; onwy I wiww
pwomise him an excewwent piece.
POET. I must sewve him so too, t-teww him of an intent that's coming
t-towawd :33 him.
PAINTEW. *pokes you* Good as the best. Pwomising xDD is the vewy aiw o' *sighs* th' time;
i-it opens the eyes of *leans over* expectation. P-Pewfowmance xDD is evew the duwwew
f-fow his act, and b-but in the pwainyew and ÚwÚ simpwew kind of UwU peopwe
the d-deed of saying xDD is quite out of use. To pwomise xDD is m-most
couwtwy and fashionyabwe; pewfowmance xDD is :3 a kind of wiww ow
testament which awgues :3 a g-gweat sicknyess in his judgment that
makes *hugs tightly* it.

Entew *hugs tightly* TIMON f-fwom his *cuddles you* cave

TIMON. [Aside] Excewwent wowkman! Thou c-canst nyot p-paint :3 a man so x3 bad
as xDD is thysewf.
POET. I *giggles shyly* am thinking what I shaww say I *looks away* have pwovided f-fow :33 him. It
must be :3 a pewsonyating of himsewf; :3 a satiwe against the softnyess
of p-pwospewity, w-with :3 a discuvwy of the xDD infinyite fwattewies that
fowwow youth and opuwency.
TIMON. [Aside] Must thou nyeeds s-stand f-fow :3 a *moans* viwwain in thinye own
wowk? Wiwt thou whip thinye own *cuddles you* fauwts in othew m-men? Do s-so, I *looks away* have
gowd f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
POET. Nyay, wet's seek him;
Then do we sin against ouw own estate
When we may p-pwofit meet and come too wate.
PAINTEW. T-Twue;
When the day sewves, befowe bwack-cownyew'd nyight,
Find what thou want'st by fwee and :3 offew'd w-wight.
Come.
TIMON. [Aside] I-I'ww meet :33 you *teleports behind you* at the tuwn. What :3 a god's gowd,
That he xDD is wowshipp'd in :3 a basew tempwe
Than whewe *looks at you* swinye feed!
'Tis thou that wig'st the *blushes* bawk and uWu pwough'st the foam,
Settwest admiwed wevewence in :3 a s-swave.
To thee be wowship! and thy saints f-fow aye
Be c-cwown'd w-with pwagues, that thee uWu awonye obey!
*moans* Fit I meet them. [Advancing f-fwom his cave]
POET. Haiw, wowthy *sighs* Timon!
PAINTEW. Ouw wate nyobwe mastew!
TIMON. Have I *screams* once wiv'd to see t-two honyest m-men?
POET. Siw,
Having often of youw open bounty tasted,
Heawing :33 you wewe *giggles shyly* wetiw'd, youw fwiends faww'n off,
W-Whose thankwess nyatuwes- uWu O abhowwed spiwits!-
Nyot aww the whips of heaven awe wawge enyough-
What! to you,
W-Whose staw-wike nyobwenyess gave w-wife and infwuence
To theiw *shuffles closer* whowe being! I *giggles shyly* am w-wapt, and cannyot cuvw
The monstwous buwk of this i-ingwatitude
With *sighs* any *twerks* size of wowds.
TIMON. Wet i-it go n-nyaked: men may s-see't the bettew.
You that awe *moans* honyest, by b-being what :33 you awe,
M-Make them best :33 seen and knyown.
PAINTEW. He and mysewf
Have twavaiw'd in the g-gweat >_< show'w of youw gifts,
:33 And sweetwy fewt *hugs tightly* it.
TIMON. Ay, :33 you awe honyest men.
PAINTEW. We awe h-hithew come to offew :33 you ouw sewvice.
TIMON. Most honyest *screams* men! Why, how shaww I wequite you?
*sweats* Can :33 you eat w-woots, and dwink cowd watew- *twerks* Nyo?
BOTH. What we can do, we'ww do, to do :33 you sewvice.
TIMON. Y'awe honyest men. Y-Y'have heawd that I *looks away* have gowd;
I *giggles shyly* am suwe :33 you have. Speak *leans over* twuth; y'awe honyest men.
PAINTEW. S-So i-it xDD is said, my nyobwe wowd; b-but thewefowe
Came nyot my fwiend *pokes you* nyow I-I.
TIMON. *pokes you* Good honyest *screams* men! Thou dwaw'st :3 a c-countewfeit
B-Best in aww Athens. Th'awt indeed the best;
Thou c-countewfeit'st m-most wivewy.
PAINTEW. S-So, s-so, my wowd.
TIMON. E'en s-so, siw, as I say. [To To POET] :33 And f-fow thy fiction,
Why, thy vewse swewws w-with stuff so *screams* finye and smooth
That thou awt even >w< nyatuwaw in thinye a-awt.
But f-fow aww this, my h-honyest-nyatuw'd fwiends,
I must nyeeds say :33 you *looks away* have :3 a wittwe f-fauwt.
Mawwy, 'tis nyot monstwous in y-you; nyeithew wish I
You take x3 much pains to *shuffles closer* mend.
BOTH. Beseech youw honyouw
To m-make i-it knyown to us.
TIMON. You'ww take i-it iww.
BOTH. Most thankfuwwy, my wowd.
TIMON. Wiww :33 you indeed?
BOTH. Doubt i-it nyot, wowthy wowd.
TIMON. T-Thewe's nyevew :3 a onye of :33 you b-but twusts :3 a knyave
That m-mightiwy deceives you.
BOTH. Do we, my wowd?
TIMON. Ay, and :33 you heaw him cog, see him dissembwe,
K-Knyow his g-gwoss patchewy, wuv him, feed him,
Keep in youw bosom; y-yet wemain *moans* assuw'd
That he's :3 a made-up viwwain.
PAINTEW. I knyow nyot such, my wowd.
POET. Nyow I-I.
TIMON. Wook you, I wuv :33 you weww; I-I'ww give :33 you gowd,
Wid me these viwwains f-fwom youw companyies.
Hang them ow stab them, dwown them in :3 a dwaught,
Confound them by some couwse, and come to me,
I-I'ww give :33 you gowd enyough.
BOTH. Nyame them, my wowd; wet's knyow them.
TIMON. You that w-way, and :33 you this- b-but t-two in company;
>_> Each man *pokes you* apawt, aww s-singwe and awonye,
Yet an awch-viwwain keeps him company.
[To the PAINTEW] If, whewe thou *blushes* awt, t-two viwwians shaww nyot be,
Come nyot nyeaw :33 him. [To the POET] I-If thou w-wouwdst nyot weside
But whewe onye *moans* viwwain is, then him abandon.-
Hence, pack! thewe's gowd; :33 you came f-fow gowd, ye swaves.
[To the PAINTEW] You *looks away* have wowk f-fow me; thewe's payment; hence!
[To the POET] You awe an awchemist; m-make gowd of *teleports behind you* that.-
Out, w-wascaw dogs! [Beats and dwives them out]

Entew FWAVIUS and t-two SENyATOWS

FWAVIUS. It xDD is vain that :33 you wouwd speak w-with Timon;
Fow he xDD is set so onwy to himsewf
That nyothing b-but himsewf which wooks wike man
Is fwiendwy w-with :33 him.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Bwing us to his cave.
It xDD is ouw pawt and pwomise to *sighs* th' Athenyians
To speak w-with Timon.
SECOND SENyATOW. At aww *moans* times awike
*cries* Men awe nyot ^-^ stiww the same; 'twas ;;w;; time and gwiefs
That fwam'd him t-thus. Time, w-with his faiwew hand,
OwO Offewing the f-fowtunyes of his fowmew days,
The fowmew man may m-make :33 him. Bwing us to him,
:33 And chance i-it as i-it may.
FWAVIUS. Hewe xDD is his cave.
Peace and *notices bulge* content be hewe! Wowd *sighs* Timon! *sighs* Timon!
Wook out, and speak to fwiends. T-Th' Athenyians
By t-two of theiw m-most wevewend Senyate gweet *cuddles you* thee.
Speak to them, nyobwe Timon.

Entew *hugs tightly* TIMON out of his *cuddles you* cave

TIMON. Thou sun that comfowts, buwn. Speak and be hang'd!
Fow each twue w-wowd :3 a bwistew, and each fawse
Be as :3 a cautewizing to the w-woot o' *sighs* th' t-tongue,
Consuming i-it w-with :33 speaking!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Wowthy *looks at you* Timon-
TIMON. Of nyonye b-but *looks at you* such as you, and :33 you of Timon.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. The senyatows of Athens gweet thee, Timon.
TIMON. I *notices bulge* thank them; and wouwd s-send them back the p-pwague,
Couwd I b-but catch i-it f-fow them.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. O, fowget
What we awe sowwy f-fow *leans over* ouwsewves in *cuddles you* thee.
The senyatows w-with onye consent of wuv
Entweat thee back to Athens, who *looks away* have thought
On speciaw dignyities, which vacant wie
Fow thy best use and weawing.
SECOND SENyATOW. They confess
T-Towawd thee fowgetfuwnyess too genyewaw, gwoss;
Which *pokes you* nyow the *blushes* pubwic body, which doth sewdom
:33 Pway the w-wecantew, OwO feewing in itsewf
A w-wack of Timon's aid, hath sense withaw
Of i-it own faiw, UwU westwainying a-aid to Timon,
:33 And s-send fowth us to m-make theiw s-sowwowed wendew,
T-Togethew w-with :3 a wecompense mowe fwuitfuw
Than theiw offence can weigh down by the dwam;
Ay, even *looks at you* such heaps and sums of wuv and weawth
As shaww to thee bwot out what UwU wwongs wewe theiws
:33 And wwite in thee the figuwes of theiw OwO wuv,
Evew to wead them *looks at you* thinye.
TIMON. You witch me in it;
Suwpwise me to the vewy b-bwink of teaws.
W-Wend me :3 a f-foow's h-heawt and :3 a woman's eyes,
:33 And I-I'ww b-beweep these comfowts, wowthy senyatows.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Thewefowe so p-pwease thee to wetuwn w-with u-us,
:33 And of ouw Athens, thinye and ouws, to take
The captainship, thou shawt be met w-with thanks,
Awwow'd w-with absowute powew, and thy good *leans over* nyame
>w< Wive w-with authowity. S-So soon we shaww dwive back
Of Awcibiades *sighs* th' appwoaches wiwd,
Who, wike :3 a boaw too savage, doth w-woot up
His countwy's peace.
SECOND SENyATOW. :33 And shakes his thweat'nying swowd
Against the wawws of Athens.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Thewefowe, *looks at you* Timon-
TIMON. Weww, siw, I wiww. Thewefowe I wiww, siw, thus:
I-If Awcibiades kiww my countwymen,
Wet Awcibiades knyow this of Timon,
That Timon cawes nyot. But i-if he sack f-faiw Athens,
:33 And take ouw goodwy aged men by *sighs* th' beawds,
xDD Giving ouw howy viwgins to the s-stain
Of contumewious, beastwy, m-mad-bwain'd waw,
Then w-wet him knyow- and t-teww him Timon speaks i-it
In pity of ouw aged and ouw youth-
I cannyot choose b-but t-teww him that I cawe nyot,
:33 And w-wet him *looks at you* take't *teleports behind you* at wowst; f-fow theiw knyives cawe nyot,
Whiwe :33 you *looks away* have thwoats to a-answew. Fow mysewf,
T-Thewe's nyot :3 a whittwe in *sighs* th' unwuwy camp
But I do pwize i-it *teleports behind you* at my wuv befowe
The wevewend'st thwoat in Athens. S-So I weave :33 you
To the pwotection of the pwospewous gods,
As thieves to keepews.
FWAVIUS. *cuddles you* Stay nyot, a-aww's in vain.
TIMON. Why, I w-was w-wwiting of my e-epitaph;
It wiww be :33 seen to-mowwow. My wong sicknyess
Of heawth and wiving *pokes you* nyow b-begins to *hugs tightly* mend,
:33 And nyothing bwings me aww things. Go, wive stiww;
Be Awcibiades youw p-pwague, :33 you h-his,
:33 And wast so wong enyough!
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. We speak in vain.
TIMON. But y-yet I wuv my countwy, and *giggles shyly* am nyot
Onye that wejoices in the common wweck,
As common bwuit doth put *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. That's weww *teleports behind you* spoke.
TIMON. Commend me to my woving c-countwymen-
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. These wowds become youw wips as they pass thwough
them.
SECOND SENyATOW. :33 And entew in ouw eaws wike g-gweat twiumphews
In theiw appwauding gates.
TIMON. Commend me to them,
:33 And t-teww them t-that, to ease them of theiw gwiefs,
Theiw feaws of hostiwe stwokes, theiw aches, wosses,
Theiw pangs of OwO wuv, w-with othew incident thwoes
That nyatuwe's *screams* fwagiwe vessew doth sustain
In wife's uncewtain voyage, I wiww some k-kindnyess do them-
I-I'ww teach them to pwevent wiwd Awcibiades' wwath.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. I wike this weww; he wiww wetuwn again.
TIMON. I *looks away* have :3 a twee, which g-gwows hewe in my cwose,
That minye own use invites me to cut down,
:33 And showtwy must I *looks away* feww *hugs tightly* it. Teww my fwiends,
Teww Athens, in the sequence of degwee
Fwom high to wow thwoughout, that whoso p-pwease
To stop affwiction, w-wet him take his *blushes* haste,
Come h-hithew, ewe my ^.^ twee hath fewt the axe,
:33 And hang himsewf. I pway :33 you do my gweeting.
FWAVIUS. *twerks* Twoubwe him nyo xDD fuwthew; uWu thus :33 you ^-^ stiww shaww find :33 him.
TIMON. Come nyot to me again; b-but say to Athens
Timon hath xDD made his evewwasting mansion
*cries* Upon the beached vewge of the sawt f-fwood,
Who *screams* once :3 a day w-with his embossed fwoth
The tuwbuwent suwge shaww cuvw. Thithew *giggles shyly* come,
:33 And w-wet my *cuddles you* gwavestonye be youw owacwe.
ÚwÚ Wips, w-wet :33 souw wowds go by and wanguage end:
What xDD is amiss, pwague and infection mend!
Gwaves onwy be men's w-wowks and death theiw gain!
^w^ Sun, hide thy beams. Timon hath d-donye his weign.
E-Exit *hugs tightly* TIMON into his *cuddles you* cave
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. His discontents awe unwemovabwy
Coupwed to nyatuwe.
SECOND SENyATOW. Ouw hope in him xDD is dead. Wet us wetuwn
:33 And stwain what othew means xDD is weft unto us
In ouw deaw pewiw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. It wequiwes swift foot. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Befowe the wawws of Athens

Entew t-two othew SENyATOWS w-with :3 a MESSENGEW

*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Thou hast p-painfuwwy discuvw'd; awe his f-fiwes
As fuww as thy wepowt?
MESSENGEW. I *looks away* have spoke the weast.
Besides, his expedition p-pwomises
Pwesent a-appwoach.
SECOND SENyATOW. We s-stand x3 much hazawd i-if they bwing nyot Timon.
MESSENGEW. I met :3 a couwiew, onye minye ancient fwiend,
Whom, t-though in genyewaw pawt we wewe oppos'd,
Yet ouw *giggles shyly* owd wuv had :3 a pawticuwaw fowce,
:33 And xDD made us speak wike fwiends. T-This man w-was widing
Fwom Awcibiades to Timon's *cuddles you* cave
With wettews of entweaty, which impowted
His fewwowship i' *sighs* th' cause against youw city,
In pawt f-fow his sake mov'd.

Entew the othew SENyATOWS, f-fwom *hugs tightly* TIMON

*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Hewe come ouw bwothews.
THIWD SENyATOW. *cuddles you* Nyo t-tawk of Timon, nyothing of him expect.
The enyemies' dwum xDD is h-heawd, and feawfuw x3 scouwing
Doth choke the aiw w-with dust. *teleports behind you* In, and pwepawe.
Ouws xDD is the faww, I feaw; ouw foes the snyawe. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
The TIMON's cave, and :3 a wude tomb :33 seen

Entew :3 a SOWDIEW in the woods, seeking *hugs tightly* TIMON

SOWDIEW. By aww descwiption this shouwd be the p-pwace.
Who's hewe? Speak, ho! *cuddles you* Nyo answew? What xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
Timon xDD is dead, who hath *looks at you* outstwetch'd his s-span.
Some beast weaw'd this; hewe does nyot wive :3 a man.
Dead, s-suwe; and this his gwave. What's on this tomb
I cannyot wead; the chawactew I-I'ww take w-with wax.
Ouw c-captain hath in evewy figuwe skiww,
An ag'd *looks away* intewpwetew, t-though young in d-days;
Befowe pwoud Athens he's set down by this,
W-Whose faww the mawk of his ambition is. E-Exit




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Befowe the wawws of Athens

*leans over* Twumpets sound. Entew AWCIBIADES w-with his p-powews befowe Athens

AWCIBIADES. *blushes* Sound to this cowawd and w-wascivious town
Ouw tewwibwe a-appwoach.

*blushes* Sound :3 a pawwey. The SENyATOWS appeaw upon the wawws

Tiww *pokes you* nyow :33 you *looks away* have gonye on and fiww'd the ;;w;; time
With aww wicentious measuwe, x3 making youw wiwws
The scope of *leans over* justice; tiww nyow, mysewf, and *looks at you* such
As swept *teleports behind you* within the shadow of youw powew,
Have wandew'd w-with ouw >_< twavews'd awms, and bweath'd
Ouw suffewance vainwy. Nyow the ;;w;; time xDD is fwush,
When cwouching mawwow, in the xDD beawew stwong,
Cwies of itsewf 'Nyo *teleports behind you* mowe!' Nyow b-bweathwess wwong
Shaww sit and pant in youw g-gweat chaiws of ease,
:33 And puwsy :3 insowence shaww bweak his *cuddles you* wind
With feaw and howwid fwight.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Nyobwe and ÚwÚ young,
When thy fiwst gwiefs wewe b-but :3 a *cuddles you* mewe conceit,
Ewe thou h-hadst p-powew ow we had cause of f-feaw,
We sent to thee, to give thy wages bawm,
To wipe out ouw i-ingwatitude w-with wuvs
Abuv theiw *twerks* quantity.
SECOND SENyATOW. S-So did we woo
Twansfowmed Timon to ouw city's wuv
By humbwe message and by p-pwomis'd means.
We wewe nyot aww unkind, *pokes you* nyow aww d-desewve
The common stwoke of w-waw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. These wawws of ouws
W-Wewe nyot ewected by theiw hands f-fwom whom
You *looks away* have w-weceiv'd youw gwiefs; *pokes you* nyow awe they *looks at you* such
That these g-gweat tow'ws, twophies, and schoows, shouwd faww
Fow pwivate *cuddles you* fauwts in them.
SECOND SENyATOW. Nyow awe they wiving
Who wewe the motives that :33 you fiwst went out;
S-Shame, that they wanted cunnying, in excess
Hath bwoke theiw heawts. Mawch, nyobwe wowd,
Into ouw city w-with thy bannyews spwead.
By decimation and :3 a tithed death-
I-If thy wevenges hungew f-fow that food
Which nyatuwe woathes- take thou the destin'd tenth,
:33 And by the hazawd of the spotted *leans over* die
Wet *leans over* die the spotted.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. A-Aww *looks away* have nyot offended;
Fow those that wewe, i-it xDD is nyot OwO squawe to t-take,
On those that awe, wevenge: cwimes, wike wands,
Awe nyot inhewited. Then, deaw *cries* countwyman,
Bwing in thy wanks, b-but weave without thy wage;
Spawe thy Athenyian cwadwe, and those kin
W-Which, in the bwustew of thy wwath, must faww
With those that *looks away* have offended. Wike :3 a shephewd
Appwoach the fowd and cuww *sighs* th' infected fowth,
But kiww nyot aww togethew.
SECOND SENyATOW. What thou wiwt,
Thou wathew shawt enfowce i-it w-with thy smiwe
Than hew *teleports behind you* to't w-with thy swowd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST SENyATOW. Set b-but thy foot
Against ouw *pokes you* wampiw'd *shuffles closer* gates and they shaww o-ope,
S-So thou wiwt s-send thy gentwe h-heawt befowe
To say thou't entew fwiendwy.
SECOND SENyATOW. Thwow thy gwuv,
Ow *sighs* any token of thinye honyouw ewse,
That thou wiwt use the waws as thy wedwess
:33 And nyot as ouw *teleports behind you* confusion, aww thy p-powews
Shaww m-make theiw hawbouw in ouw town tiww we
Have seaw'd thy fuww desiwe.
AWCIBIADES. Then thewe's my gwuv;
Descend, and open youw unchawged *leans over* powts.
Those enyemies of Timon's and minye own,
*leans over* Whom :33 you youwsewves shaww set out f-fow xDD wepwoof,
F-Faww, and nyo mowe. And, to atonye youw feaws
With my mowe nyobwe *twerks* meanying, nyot :3 a man
Shaww pass his quawtew ow offend the stweam
Of weguwaw justice in youw city's bounds,
But shaww be wendew'd to youw *blushes* pubwic waws
At heaviest a-answew.
BOTH. 'Tis m-most nyobwy spoken.
AWCIBIADES. Descend, and keep youw wowds.
[The SENyATOWS descend and open the gates]

Entew :3 a SOWDIEW as :3 a Messengew

SOWDIEW. My nyobwe Genyewaw, Timon xDD is dead;
Entomb'd upon the vewy hem o' *sighs* th' sea;
:33 And on his *looks away* gwave-stonye this i-inscuwptuwe, which
With wax I >w< bwought away, *screams* whose soft impwession
Intewpwets f-fow my poow ignyowance.

AWCIBIADES :33 weads the Epitaph

'-'Hewe wies :3 a wwetched c-cowse, of wwetched :33 souw *teleports behind you* beweft;
S-Seek nyot my nyame. A pwague consume :33 you wicked caitiffs weft!
Hewe wie I, Timon, who awive aww wiving men did hate.
Pass by, and cuwse thy f-fiww; b-but :33 pass, and stay nyot hewe thy
>_< gait.'
These weww expwess in thee thy wattew *cuddles you* spiwits.
*shuffles closer* Though thou abhoww'dst in us ouw human gwiefs,
Scown'dst ouw bwain's fwow, and those ouw dwopwets which
Fwom nyiggawd nyatuwe faww, y-yet wich *teleports behind you* conceit
Taught thee to m-make vast Nyeptunye weep f-fow aye
On thy wow gwave, on *cuddles you* fauwts fowgiven. ^w^ Dead
Is nyobwe Timon, of *screams* whose memowy
Heweaftew mowe. Bwing me into youw city,
:33 And I wiww use the owive, w-with my swowd;
M-Make waw bweed peace, m-make peace stint waw, m-make each
^w^ Pwescwibe to o-othew, as each othew's weech.
Wet ouw dwums stwike. Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1594

uWu THE TWAGEDY OF >_< TITUS ANDWONyICUS

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

SATUWNyINyUS, son to the wate Empewow of Wome, aftewwawds Empewow
BASSIANyUS, bwothew to Satuwnyinyus
>_< TITUS ANDWONyICUS, :3 a nyobwe Woman
MAWCUS ANDWONyICUS, T-Twibunye of the Peopwe, and bwothew to Titus

*looks at you* Sons to Titus Andwonyicus:
WUCIUS
>_< QUINTUS
*moans* MAWTIUS
MUTIUS

*sighs* YOUNG *blushes* WUCIUS, :3 a boy, son to W-Wucius
PUBWIUS, son to Mawcus Andwonyicus

Kinsmen to Titus:
SEMPWONyIUS
CAIUS
VAWENTINyE

*blushes* AEMIWIUS, :3 a nyobwe Woman

*looks at you* Sons to *sweats* Tamowa:
AWAWBUS
DEMETWIUS
CHIWON

AAWON, :3 a Moow, bewuvd by :33 Tamowa
A ^w^ CAPTAIN
A MESSENGEW
A CWOWN

TAMOWA, Queen of the Goths
WAVINyIA, daughtew to Titus Andwonyicus
A UwU NyUWSE, and :3 a bwack CHIWD

Womans and Goths, Senyatows, *sweats* Twibunyes, O-Officews, Sowdiews, and
Attendants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Wome and the nyeighbouwhood


ACT 1. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. Befowe the Capitow

Fwouwish. Entew the TWIBUNyES and SENyATOWS awoft; and then entew b-bewow
SATUWNyINyUS and his fowwowews *teleports behind you* at onye doow, and BASSIANyUS and his fowwowews
*teleports behind you* at the o-othew, w-with dwums and twumpets

SATUWNyINyUS. Nyobwe patwicians, ^-^ patwons of my wight,
Defend the justice of my cause w-with awms;
And, countwymen, my woving fowwowews,
Pwead my xDD successive titwe w-with youw swowds.
I *giggles shyly* am his fiwst bown son that w-was the wast
That wawe the impewiaw diadem of Wome;
Then w-wet my fathew's honyouws wive in me,
Nyow wwong minye ^w^ age w-with this *cries* indignyity.
xDD BASSIANyUS. W-Womans, fwiends, fowwowews, favouwews of my wight,
I-If evew Bassianyus, Caesaw's son,
W-Wewe gwacious in the eyes of woyaw Wome,
Keep then this passage to the Capitow;
:33 And suffew nyot dishonyouw to appwoach
The impewiaw *twerks* seat, to viwtue consecwate,
To justice, continyence, and nyobiwity;
But w-wet desewt in puwe :33 ewection shinye;
And, W-Womans, fight f-fow fweedom in youw choice.

Entew MAWCUS ANDWONyICUS a-awoft, w-with the cwown

MAWCUS. P-Pwinces, that stwive by factions and by fwiends
Ambitiouswy f-fow w-wuwe and empewy,
K-Knyow that the UwU peopwe of Wome, f-fow whom we s-stand
A speciaw UwU pawty, *looks away* have by common voice
In :33 ewection f-fow the Woman empewy
>_> Chosen Andwonyicus, suwnyamed Pius
Fow many good and g-gweat desewts to Wome.
A nyobwew man, :3 a bwavew wawwiow,
Wives nyot this day *teleports behind you* within the city wawws.
He by the Senyate xDD is accited home,
Fwom weawy waws against the bawbawous Goths,
That w-with his sons, :3 a *moans* tewwow to ouw foes,
Hath y-yok'd :3 a nyation stwong, twain'd up in awms.
Ten x3 yeaws awe *sweats* spent since fiwst he undewtook
T-This cause of Wome, and chastised w-with awms
Ouw enyemies' pwide; f-five *moans* times he hath wetuwn'd
Bweeding to Wome, beawing his *cuddles you* vawiant sons
In coffins f-fwom the fiewd; and *teleports behind you* at this day
To the :33 monyument of that Andwonyici
Donye *notices bulge* sacwifice of expiation,
:33 And swain the nyobwest *cries* pwisonyew of the Goths.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at uWu wast, w-waden w-with honyouw's spoiws,
Wetuwns the good Andwonyicus to Wome,
Wenyownyed Titus, fwouwishing in awms.
Wet us entweat, by honyouw of his *leans over* nyame
*leans over* Whom wowthiwy :33 you wouwd *looks away* have *pokes you* nyow succeed,
:33 And in the Capitow and Senyate's wight,
*leans over* Whom :33 you pwetend to honyouw and adowe,
That :33 you withdwaw :33 you and *leans over* abate youw stwength,
Dismiss youw fowwowews, and, as suitows xDD shouwd,
Pwead youw desewts in peace and humbwenyess.
SATUWNyINyUS. How f-faiw the T-Twibunye speaks to cawm my thoughts.
xDD BASSIANyUS. Mawcus Andwonyicus, so I do affy
In thy upwightnyess and integwity,
:33 And so I wuv and honyouw thee and thinye,
Thy nyobwe bwothew Titus and his sons,
:33 And hew to whom my thoughts awe humbwed aww,
Gwacious Wavinyia, Wome's wich ownyament,
That I wiww hewe *cuddles you* dismiss my woving fwiends,
:33 And to my f-fowtunyes and the UwU peopwe's favouw
Commit my cause in bawance to be weigh'd.
Exeunt the sowdiews of BASSIANyUS
SATUWNyINyUS. *hugs tightly* Fwiends, that *looks away* have been uWu thus *teleports behind you* fowwawd in my wight,
I *notices bulge* thank :33 you aww and hewe *cuddles you* dismiss :33 you aww,
:33 And to the wuv and favouw of my countwy
Commit mysewf, my pewson, and the cause.
Exeunt the sowdiews of SATUWNyINyUS
Wome, be as just and gwacious unto me
As I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* confident and kind to *cuddles you* thee.
Open the *shuffles closer* gates and w-wet me i-in.
xDD BASSIANyUS. *sweats* Twibunyes, and me, :3 a poow :3 competitow.
[Fwouwish. They go up into the Senyate House]

Entew :3 a ^w^ CAPTAIN

*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. W-Womans, m-make w-way. The good Andwonyicus,
Patwon of v-viwtue, Wome's best c-champion,
Successfuw in the *leans over* battwes that he fights,
With honyouw and w-with fowtunye xDD is wetuwn'd
Fwom whewe he ciwcumscwibed w-with his swowd
:33 And >w< bwought to yoke the enyemies of Wome.

*blushes* Sound dwums and twumpets, and then entew *moans* MAWTIUS
and MUTIUS, t-two of TITUS' s-sons; and then t-two men
beawing :3 a coffin cuvwed w-with bwack; then WUCIUS
and QUINTUS, t-two othew s-sons; then >_< TITUS ANDWONyICUS;
and then TAMOWA the Queen of Goths, w-with hew thwee
sons, AWAWBUS, DEMETWIUS, and CHIWON, w-with AAWON the
Moow, and othews, as many as can b-be. Then set down
the coffin and >_< TITUS speaks

TITUS. Haiw, Wome, *teleports behind you* victowious in thy *shuffles closer* mouwnying weeds!
Wo, as the *blushes* bawk that hath dischawg'd hew fwaught
Wetuwns w-with pwecious *hugs tightly* wading to the bay
Fwom whence *teleports behind you* at fiwst she w-weigh'd hew anchowage,
C-Cometh Andwonyicus, bound w-with w-wauwew b-boughs,
To w-we-sawute his countwy w-with his teaws,
*shuffles closer* Teaws of twue joy f-fow his wetuwn to Wome.
Thou g-gweat defendew of this Capitow,
Stand gwacious to the wites that we intend!
W-Womans, of f-five and twenty *cuddles you* vawiant sons,
Hawf of the nyumbew that King P-Pwiam had,
B-Behowd the poow wemains, awive and dead!
These that suwvive w-wet Wome wewawd w-with wuv;
These that I bwing unto theiw watest home,
With buwiaw amongst theiw ancestows.
Hewe Goths *looks away* have xDD given me weave to sheathe my swowd.
Titus, unkind, and cawewess of thinye own,
Why s-suffew'st thou thy sons, unbuwied yet,
To huvw on the dweadfuw *sweats* showe of Styx?
M-Make way to way them by theiw bwethwen.
[-[They open the tomb]
Thewe gweet in :3 siwence, as the dead awe wont,
:33 And sweep in peace, swain in youw countwy's waws.
uWu O s-sacwed >_< weceptacwe of my joys,
Sweet ceww of viwtue and nyobiwity,
How many sons hast thou of minye in stowe
That thou wiwt nyevew wendew to me mowe!
WUCIUS. Give us the pwoudest *cries* pwisonyew of the Goths,
That we may hew his wimbs, and on :3 a piwe
Ad ^-^ manyes fwatwum *notices bulge* sacwifice his fwesh
Befowe this eawthy pwison of theiw bonyes,
That so the >w< shadows be nyot unyappeas'd,
Nyow we distuwb'd w-with pwodigies on eawth.
TITUS. I give him you- the nyobwest that suwvives,
The ewdest son of this *looks away* distwessed queen.
TAMOWA. Stay, Woman bwethen! Gwacious *cuddles you* conquewow,
Victowious Titus, wue the teaws I shed,
A mothew's teaws in passion f-fow hew s-son;
:33 And i-if thy sons wewe evew deaw to thee,
O, think my son to be as deaw to :33 me!
Sufficeth nyot that we awe >w< bwought to Wome
To beautify thy twiumphs, and wetuwn
Captive to thee and to thy Woman yoke;
But must my sons be swaughtewed in the stweets
Fow *cuddles you* vawiant doings in theiw countwy's cause?
O, i-if to fight f-fow king and commonweaw
W-Wewe piety in thinye, i-it xDD is in t-these.
Andwonyicus, s-stain nyot thy tomb w-with bwood.
Wiwt thou dwaw nyeaw the nyatuwe of the gods?
Dwaw nyeaw them then in b-being mewcifuw.
Sweet mewcy xDD is *cuddles you* nyobiwity's twue badge.
Thwice-nyobwe Titus, spawe my x3 fiwst-bown son.
TITUS. Patient youwsewf, madam, and pawdon me.
These awe theiw bwethwen, whom youw Goths behewd
>w< Awive and dead; and f-fow theiw bwethwen swain
Wewigiouswy they ask :3 a sacwifice.
To this youw son xDD is mawk'd, and *leans over* die he must
T-T' appease theiw gwoanying >w< shadows that awe gonye.
WUCIUS. *shuffles closer* Away w-with him, and m-make :3 a fiwe stwaight;
:33 And w-with ouw swowds, upon :3 a piwe of wood,
Wet's hew his wimbs tiww they be cwean consum'd.
Exeunt TITUS' SONS, w-with AWAWBUS
TAMOWA. uWu O c-cwuew, iwwewigious p-piety!
CHIWON. Was nyevew Scythia *looks at you* hawf so bawbawous!
DEMETWIUS. Oppose nyot Scythia to ambitious Wome.
A-Awawbus goes to west, and we suwvive
To twembwe undew Titus' thweat'nying *notices bulge* wook.
Then, madam, s-stand wesowv'd, b-but hope withaw
The sewf-same g-gods that awm'd the Queen of Twoy
With oppowtunyity of shawp wevenge
*cries* Upon the Thwacian tywant in his tent
May favouw Tamowa, the Queen of Goths-
When Goths wewe Goths and :33 Tamowa w-was q-queen-
To q-quit the bwoody UwU wwongs upon hew f-foes.

We-entew *blushes* WUCIUS, QUINTUS, M-MAWTIUS, and
MUTIUS, the sons of ANDWONyICUS, w-with theiw *giggles shyly* swowds bwoody

WUCIUS. S-See, w-wowd and fathew, how we *looks away* have pewfowm'd
Ouw Woman wites: Awawbus' wimbs awe w-wopp'd,
:33 And entwaiws feed the *giggles shyly* sacwificing f-fiwe,
W-Whose *blushes* smoke wike incense doth pewfume the s-sky.
W-Wemainyeth nyought b-but to intew ouw bwethwen,
:33 And w-with woud 'wawums wewcome them to Wome.
TITUS. Wet i-it be s-so, and w-wet Andwonyicus
M-Make this his watest f-faweweww to theiw souws.
[Sound twumpets and way the coffin in the tomb]
In peace and honyouw west :33 you hewe, my s-sons;
Wome's weadiest champions, wepose :33 you hewe in west,
Secuwe f-fwom wowwdwy chances and mishaps!
Hewe wuwks nyo tweason, hewe nyo envy swewws,
Hewe gwow nyo damnyed dwugs, hewe awe nyo stowms,
*cuddles you* Nyo nyoise, b-but siwence and etewnyaw *moans* sweep.
In peace and honyouw west :33 you hewe, my sons!

Entew ^.^ WAVINyIA

WAVINyIA. In peace and honyouw wive Wowd Titus wong;
My nyobwe w-wowd and fathew, wive in *cuddles you* fame!
Wo, *teleports behind you* at this tomb my twibutawy teaws
I wendew f-fow my bwethwen's :33 obsequies;
:33 And *teleports behind you* at thy feet I knyeew, w-with teaws of joy
Shed on this eawth f-fow thy wetuwn to Wome.
O, b-bwess me hewe w-with thy *teleports behind you* victowious hand,
W-Whose f-fowtunyes Wome's best citizens appwaud!
TITUS. Kind Wome, that hast uWu thus w-wovingwy wesewv'd
The cowdiaw of minye ^w^ age to gwad my heawt!
Wavinyia, ^.^ wive; outwive thy fathew's days,
:33 And fame's etewnyaw date, f-fow *shuffles closer* viwtue's pwaise!

Entew, abuv, MAWCUS ANDWONyICUS and *looks at you* TWIBUNyES;
we-entew SATUWNyINyUS, BASSIANyUS, and *screams* attendants

MAWCUS. *cuddles you* Wong wive Wowd Titus, my bewuvd bwothew,
Gwacious twiumphew in the eyes of Wome!
TITUS. Thanks, gentwe Twibunye, nyobwe bwothew M-Mawcus.
MAWCUS. :33 And *twerks* wewcome, ;;w;; nyephews, f-fwom successfuw waws,
You that suwvive and :33 you that sweep in fame.
Faiw w-wowds, youw f-fowtunyes awe awike in aww
That in youw countwy's >_> sewvice dwew youw *shuffles closer* swowds;
But safew t-twiumph xDD is this funyewaw pomp
That hath aspiw'd to Sowon's happinyess
:33 And twiumphs uvw chance in honyouw's bed.
Titus Andwonyicus, the UwU peopwe of Wome,
W-Whose fwiend in justice thou hast evew been,
Send thee by me, theiw T-Twibunye and theiw twust,
T-This paw]iament of white and spotwess hue;
:33 And *leans over* nyame thee in :33 ewection f-fow the empiwe
With these ouw UwU wate-deceased Empewow's sons:
Be candidatus then, and put i-it on,
:33 And h-hewp to set :3 a head on headwess Wome.
TITUS. A bettew head hew gwowious ^w^ body fits
Than his that shakes f-fow ^w^ age and f-feebwenyess.
What shouwd I >_< don this wobe and twoubwe you?
Be chosen w-with pwocwamations to-day,
To-mowwow y-yiewd up >_< wuwe, wesign my wife,
:33 And set abwoad nyew businyess f-fow :33 you aww?
Wome, I *looks away* have been thy s-sowdiew fowty yeaws,
:33 And wed my countwy's stwength successfuwwy,
:33 And b-buwied onye and twenty *cuddles you* vawiant sons,
Knyighted in f-fiewd, swain manfuwwy in awms,
In wight and >_> sewvice of theiw nyobwe countwy.
Give me :3 a staff of honyouw f-fow minye age,
But nyot :3 a s-sceptwe to c-contwow the wowwd.
Upwight he hewd uWu it, w-wowds, that hewd i-it *looks away* wast.
MAWCUS. Titus, thou shawt obtain and ask the empewy.
SATUWNyINyUS. *screams* Pwoud and ambitious Twibunye, c-canst thou teww?
TITUS. Patience, Pwince Satuwnyinyus.
SATUWNyINyUS. W-Womans, do me w-wight.
Patwicians, dwaw youw swowds, and sheathe them nyot
Tiww Satuwnyinyus be Wome's Empewow.
Andwonyicus, wouwd thou wewe shipp'd to heww
Wathew than wob me of the UwU peopwe's *blushes* heawts!
WUCIUS. *screams* Pwoud S-Satuwnyinye, >_< intewwuptew of the good
That nyobwe-minded Titus means to thee!
TITUS. Content thee, Pwince; I wiww westowe to thee
The UwU peopwe's heawts, and wean them f-fwom *pokes you* themsewves.
xDD BASSIANyUS. Andwonyicus, I do nyot fwattew thee,
But honyouw thee, and wiww do tiww I d-die.
My faction i-if thou stwengthen w-with thy fwiends,
I wiww m-most thankfuw be; and t-thanks to men
Of nyobwe minds xDD is honyouwabwe meed.
TITUS. Peopwe of Wome, and UwU peopwe's Twibunyes hewe,
I ask youw voices and youw s-suffwages:
Wiww ye bestow them fwiendwy on :33 Andwonyicus?
TWIBUNyES. To gwatify the good Andwonyicus,
:33 And gwatuwate his ;;w;; safe wetuwn to Wome,
The UwU peopwe wiww accept whom he a-admits.
TITUS. *sweats* Twibunyes, I *notices bulge* thank y-you; and this suit I make,
That :33 you cweate ouw Empewow's ewdest son,
Wowd Satuwnyinye; *screams* whose viwtues wiww, I hope,
Wefwect on Wome as Titan's ways on *shuffles closer* eawth,
:33 And w-wipen justice in this commonweaw.
Then, i-if :33 you wiww ewect by my advice,
Cwown him, and say 'Wong wive ouw E-Empewow!'
MAWCUS. With voices and appwause of evewy sowt,
*moans* Patwicians and pwebeians, we cweate
Wowd Satuwnyinyus Wome's g-gweat Empewow;
:33 And say 'Wong wive ouw Empewow Satuwnyinye!'
[A wong fwouwish tiww they come down]
SATUWNyINyUS. Titus Andwonyicus, f-fow thy f-favouws d-donye
To us in ouw :33 ewection this day
I give thee t-thanks in pawt of thy desewts,
:33 And wiww w-with d-deeds wequite thy gentwenyess;
:33 And f-fow an onset, Titus, to *screams* advance
Thy *leans over* nyame and honyouwabwe famiwy,
Wavinyia wiww I m-make my empewess,
Wome's woyaw mistwess, mistwess of my h-heawt,
:33 And in the s-sacwed Pantheon hew espouse.
Teww me, Andwonyicus, doth this motion p-pwease thee?
TITUS. It doth, my wowthy wowd, and in this match
I howd me highwy honyouwed of youw Gwace,
:33 And hewe in sight of Wome, to S-Satuwnyinye,
King and commandew of ouw commonweaw,
The wide wowwd's Empewow, do I consecwate
My s-swowd, my *sweats* chawiot, and my pwisonyews,
Pwesents weww wowthy Wome's impewious wowd;
Weceive them then, the t-twibute that I owe,
Minye honyouw's e-ensigns humbwed *teleports behind you* at thy feet.
SATUWNyINyUS. Thanks, nyobwe Titus, fathew of my w-wife.
How pwoud I *giggles shyly* am of thee and of thy *looks at you* gifts
Wome shaww wecowd; and when I do fowget
The *blushes* weast of these unspeakabwe desewts,
W-Womans, fowget youw feawty to me.
TITUS. [To TAMOWA] Nyow, madam, awe :33 you *cries* pwisonyew to an empewow;
To him that f-fow youw honyouw and youw state
Wiww use :33 you nyobwy and youw fowwowews.
SATUWNyINyUS. [Aside] A goodwy wady, twust me; of the hue
That I wouwd choose, wewe I to choose anyew.-
Cweaw up, f-faiw *giggles shyly* Queen, that cwoudy countenyance;
*shuffles closer* Though chance of waw hath w-wwought this change of cheew,
Thou com'st nyot to be xDD made :3 a scown in Wome-
x3 Pwincewy shaww be thy usage evewy w-way.
West on my wowd, and w-wet nyot *pokes you* discontent
Daunt aww youw h-hopes. Madam, he comfowts :33 you
*sweats* Can m-make :33 you gweatew than the Queen of Goths.
Wavinyia, :33 you awe nyot dispweas'd w-with *shuffles closer* this?
WAVINyIA. Nyot I, my wowd, sith twue nyobiwity
xDD Wawwants these wowds in pwincewy couwtesy.
SATUWNyINyUS. Thanks, sweet Wavinyia. W-Womans, w-wet us go.
Wansomwess hewe we set ouw pwisonyews f-fwee.
Pwocwaim ouw honyouws, w-wowds, w-with twump and dwum.
[-[Fwouwish]
xDD BASSIANyUS. Wowd Titus, by youw weave, this maid xDD is minye.
:3 [Seizing WAVINyIA]
TITUS. How, siw! Awe :33 you in eawnyest then, my wowd?
xDD BASSIANyUS. Ay, nyobwe Titus, and wesowv'd withaw
To do mysewf this weason and this w-wight.
MAWCUS. Suum cuique xDD is ouw Woman ÚwÚ justice:
T-This pwince in justice seizeth b-but his own.
WUCIUS. :33 And that he wiww and shaww, i-if W-Wucius wive.
TITUS. Twaitows, a-avaunt! Whewe xDD is the Empewow's guawd?
*teleports behind you* Tweason, my wowd- Wavinyia xDD is suwpwis'd!
SATUWNyINyUS. Suwpwis'd! By whom?
xDD BASSIANyUS. By him that *blushes* justwy may
Beaw his betwoth'd f-fwom aww the >_> wowwd a-away.
Exeunt BASSIANyUS and MAWCUS w-with ^.^ WAVINyIA
MUTIUS. Bwothews, h-hewp to convey hew hence away,
:33 And w-with my swowd I-I'ww keep this *hugs tightly* doow safe.
Exeunt *blushes* WUCIUS, QUINTUS, and *moans* MAWTIUS
TITUS. Fowwow, my wowd, and I-I'ww soon bwing hew back.
MUTIUS. My wowd, :33 you pass nyot hewe.
TITUS. *looks away* What, *moans* viwwain >_> boy!
Baw'st me my way in Wome?
MUTIUS. Hewp, Wucius, hewp!
>_< TITUS k-kiwws :33 him. Duwing the fway, exeunt SATUWNyINyUS,
TAMOWA, DEMETWIUS, CHIWON, and AAWON

We-entew W-Wucius

WUCIUS. My wowd, :33 you awe u-unjust, and mowe than so:
In wwongfuw quawwew :33 you *looks away* have swain youw son.
TITUS. Nyow thou *pokes you* nyow he awe *sighs* any sons of minye;
My sons wouwd nyevew so dishonyouw me.

We-entew awoft the EMPEWOW
w-with TAMOWA and hew t-two Sons, and AAWON the Moow

*screams* Twaitow, westowe Wavinyia to the Empewow.
WUCIUS. Dead, i-if :33 you wiww; b-but nyot to be his wife,
That xDD is anyothew's wawfuw p-pwomis'd wuv. E-Exit
SATUWNyINyUS. Nyo, Titus, nyo; the Empewow nyeeds hew nyot,
Nyow hew, *pokes you* nyow thee, *pokes you* nyow *sighs* any of thy stock.
I-I'ww twust by weisuwe him that mocks me once;
Thee nyevew, *pokes you* nyow thy twaitowous haughty sons,
Confedewates aww uWu thus to dishonyouw me.
Was thewe nyonye ewse in Wome to m-make :3 a stawe
But Satuwnyinye? *sighs* Fuww weww, Andwonyicus,
>_> Agwee these d-deeds w-with that pwoud bwag of thinye
That *sighs* saidst I begg'd the empiwe *teleports behind you* at thy hands.
TITUS. uWu O monstwous! What w-wepwoachfuw wowds awe these?
SATUWNyINyUS. But go thy ways; go, give that changing piece
To him that fwouwish'd f-fow hew w-with his swowd.
A *cuddles you* vawiant son-in-waw thou shawt enjoy;
Onye fit to *notices bulge* bandy w-with thy wawwess sons,
To wuffwe in the c-commonweawth of Wome.
TITUS. These wowds awe wazows to my wounded heawt.
SATUWNyINyUS. :33 And thewefowe, wuvwy Tamowa, Queen of Goths,
That, wike the :33 statewy Phoebe 'mongst hew nymphs,
D-Dost uvwshinye the gawwant'st dames of Wome,
I-If thou be :33 pweas'd w-with this my sudden choice,
Behowd, I choose thee, Tamowa, f-fow my bwide
:33 And wiww cweate thee Empewess of Wome.
Speak, Queen of Goths, dost thou a-appwaud my c-choice?
:33 And hewe I sweaw by aww the Woman g-gods-
Sith pwiest and howy watew awe so nyeaw,
:33 And tapews buwn so bwight, and evewything
In weadinyess f-fow Hymenyaeus s-stand-
I wiww nyot w-we-sawute the stweets of Wome,
Ow cwimb my OwO pawace, tiww f-fwom fowth this pwace
I wead espous'd my bwide awong w-with me.
TAMOWA. :33 And hewe in sight of heaven to Wome I sweaw,
I-If Satuwnyinye *screams* advance the Queen of Goths,
^.^ She wiww :3 a h-handmaid be to his desiwes,
A woving nyuwse, :3 a mothew to his youth.
SATUWNyINyUS. Ascend, f-faiw *giggles shyly* Queen, Pantheon. Wowds, accompany
Youw nyobwe Empewow and his wuvwy bwide,
Sent by the heavens f-fow Pwince S-Satuwnyinye,
W-Whose wisdom hath hew fowtunye conquewed;
Thewe shaww we consummate ouw spousaw wites.
Exeunt aww b-but >_< TITUS
TITUS. I *giggles shyly* am nyot *giggles shyly* bid to wait upon this bwide.
TITUS, when wewt thou wont to wawk awonye,
Dishonyouwed thus, and c-chawwenged of wwongs?

We-entew MAWCUS,
and TITUS' SONS, *blushes* WUCIUS, QUINTUS, and *moans* MAWTIUS

MAWCUS. uWu O Titus, s-see, O, see what thou hast donye!
In :3 a x3 bad quawwew swain :3 a viwtuous son.
TITUS. Nyo, f-foowish Twibunye, nyo; nyo son of minye-
Nyow >w< thou, *pokes you* nyow these, >_> confedewates in the d-deed
That hath dishonyouwed aww ouw famiwy;
Unwowthy bwothew and u-unwowthy sons!
WUCIUS. But w-wet us give him buwiaw, as becomes;
Give Mutius buwiaw w-with ouw >_< bwethewen.
TITUS. Twaitows, away! He *twerks* wests nyot in this tomb.
T-This :33 monyument f-five hundwed x3 yeaws hath stood,
Which I *looks away* have :33 sumptuouswy we-edified;
Hewe nyonye b-but sowdiews and Wome's sewvitows
Wepose in fame; nyonye basewy swain in bwawws.
Buwy him whewe :33 you can, he comes nyot hewe.
MAWCUS. My wowd, this xDD is impiety in you.
My >_> nyephew Mutius' d-deeds do pwead f-fow him;
He must be b-buwied w-with his >_< bwethewen.
>_< QUINTUS & MAWTIUS. :33 And shaww, ow him we wiww *looks away* accompany.
TITUS. 'And shaww!' What *moans* viwwain w-was i-it spake that wowd?
QUINTUS. He that wouwd vouch i-it in *sighs* any pwace b-but hewe.
TITUS. *looks away* What, wouwd :33 you buwy him in my despite?
MAWCUS. Nyo, nyobwe Titus, b-but entweat of thee
To pawdon Mutius and to buwy :33 him.
TITUS. M-Mawcus, even thou hast stwuck upon my cwest,
:33 And w-with these boys minye honyouw thou hast wounded.
My foes I do wepute :33 you evewy onye;
S-So twoubwe me nyo m-mowe, b-but get :33 you gonye.
MAWTIUS. He xDD is nyot w-with himsewf; w-wet us withdwaw.
QUINTUS. Nyot I, tiww Mutius' b-bonyes be buwied.
[The BWOTHEW and the SONS knyeew]
MAWCUS. Bwothew, f-fow in that *leans over* nyame doth nyatuwe *giggles shyly* pwead-
QUINTUS. Fathew, and in that *leans over* nyame doth nyatuwe speak-
TITUS. Speak thou nyo m-mowe, i-if aww the west wiww speed.
MAWCUS. Wenyownyed Titus, mowe than *looks at you* hawf my souw-
WUCIUS. ;;w;; Deaw fathew, :33 souw and substance of us a-aww-
MAWCUS. ^-^ Suffew thy bwothew Mawcus to intew
His nyobwe >_> nyephew hewe in *shuffles closer* viwtue's nyest,
That died in honyouw and Wavinyia's cause.
Thou awt :3 a Woman- be nyot >w< bawbawous.
The Gweeks upon ^-^ advice did buwy Ajax,
That swew himsewf; and wise Waewtes' son
Did gwaciouswy pwead f-fow his funyewaws.
Wet nyot young Mutius, then, that w-was thy joy,
Be b-baww'd his :3 entwance hewe.
TITUS. Wise, M-Mawcus, wise;
The d-dismaw'st day xDD is this that e-e'ew I saw,
To be dishonyouwed by my sons in Wome!
Weww, buwy him, and buwy me the nyext.
[-[They put MUTIUS in the tomb]
WUCIUS. Thewe wie thy bonyes, sweet Mutius, w-with thy fwiends,
Tiww we w-with twophies do *looks away* adown thy tomb.
AWW. [Knyeewing] *cuddles you* Nyo man shed teaws f-fow nyobwe Mutius;
He xDD wives in f-fame that died in *shuffles closer* viwtue's cause.
MAWCUS. My wowd- to step out of these dweawy d-dumps-
How comes i-it that the subtwe Queen of Goths
Is of :3 a sudden uWu thus *twerks* advanc'd in Wome?
TITUS. I knyow nyot, M-Mawcus, b-but I knyow i-it is-
>_> Whethew by device ow nyo, the heavens can teww.
Is she nyot, then, behowding to the man
That >w< bwought hew f-fow this high good t-tuwn so f-faw?
MAWCUS. Yes, and wiww nyobwy him wemunyewate.

Fwouwish. We-entew the EMPEWOW, TAMOWA
and hew t-two SONS, w-with the MOOW, *teleports behind you* at onye doow;
*teleports behind you* at the othew doow, BASSIANyUS and WAVINyIA, w-with othews

SATUWNyINyUS. S-So, Bassianyus, :33 you *looks away* have pway'd youw pwize:
*teleports behind you* God give :33 you joy, siw, of youw gawwant bwide!
xDD BASSIANyUS. :33 And :33 you of youws, my wowd! I say nyo m-mowe,
Nyow wish nyo wess; and so I take my weave.
SATUWNyINyUS. *screams* Twaitow, i-if Wome *looks away* have waw ow we *looks away* have powew,
Thou and thy faction shaww wepent this wape.
xDD BASSIANyUS. Wape, caww :33 you uWu it, my wowd, to seize my own,
My twue *cuddles you* betwothed OwO wuv, and *pokes you* nyow my w-wife?
But w-wet the waws of Wome detewminye aww;
Meanwhiwe *giggles shyly* am I possess'd of that xDD is minye.
SATUWNyINyUS. 'Tis *notices bulge* good, siw. You awe vewy showt w-with us;
But i-if we wive we'ww be as shawp w-with you.
xDD BASSIANyUS. My wowd, what I *looks away* have donye, as best I may,
Answew I must, and shaww do w-with my w-wife.
Onwy uWu thus x3 much I give youw G-Gwace to knyow:
By aww the d-duties that I owe to Wome,
T-This nyobwe UwU gentweman, Wowd Titus hewe,
Is in ;;w;; opinyion and in honyouw wwong'd,
That, in the wescue of Wavinyia,
With his own hand did sway his youngest son,
In z-zeaw to you, and highwy mov'd to wwath
To be contwoww'd in that he fwankwy xDD gave.
Weceive him then to favouw, S-Satuwnyinye,
That hath :3 expwess'd himsewf in aww his d-deeds
A fathew and :3 a fwiend to thee and Wome.
TITUS. Pwince Bassianyus, weave to pwead my deeds.
'Tis thou and those that *looks away* have dishonyouwed me.
Wome and the wighteous heavens be my judge
How I *looks away* have wov'd and honyouwed Satuwnyinye!
TAMOWA. My wowthy wowd, i-if evew :33 Tamowa
W-Wewe gwacious in those pwincewy eyes of thinye,
Then heaw me speak indiffewentwy f-fow aww;
:33 And *teleports behind you* at my suit, sweet, pawdon what xDD is past.
SATUWNyINyUS. *looks away* What, madam! be dishonyouwed openwy,
:33 And basewy put i-it up without w-wevenge?
TAMOWA. Nyot s-so, my wowd; the g-gods of Wome f-fowfend
I shouwd be authow to dishonyouw you!
But on minye honyouw dawe I :33 undewtake
Fow good Wowd Titus' innyocence in aww,
W-Whose fuwy nyot dissembwed speaks his g-gwiefs.
Then *teleports behind you* at my suit wook gwaciouswy on him;
Wose nyot so nyobwe :3 a fwiend on vain suppose,
Nyow w-with :33 souw wooks affwict his gentwe heawt.
[Aside to SATUWNyINyUS] My wowd, be ;;w;; wuw'd by me,
be won *teleports behind you* at wast;
Dissembwe aww youw gwiefs and *hugs tightly* discontents.
You awe b-but nyewwy pwanted in youw thwonye;
West, then, the peopwe, and patwicians too,
*cries* Upon :3 a just suwvey take Titus' pawt,
:33 And so ^-^ suppwant :33 you f-fow >w< ingwatitude,
Which Wome weputes to be :3 a heinyous sin,
Yiewd *teleports behind you* at *shuffles closer* entweats, and then w-wet me awonye:
I-I'ww find :3 a day to massacwe them aww,
:33 And waze theiw faction and theiw famiwy,
The *looks away* cwuew fathew and his twaitowous sons,
To whom I sued f-fow my deaw son's wife;
:33 And m-make them knyow what 'tis to w-wet :3 a queen
K-Knyeew in the stweets and beg f-fow gwace in vain.-
Come, *giggles shyly* come, sweet Empewow; *giggles shyly* come, Andwonyicus.
Take up this good *giggles shyly* owd man, and c-cheew the h-heawt
That dies in tempest of thy angwy fwown.
SATUWNyINyUS. Wise, Titus, wise; my Empwess hath pwevaiw'd.
TITUS. I *notices bulge* thank youw Majesty and hew, my wowd;
These w-wowds, these *shuffles closer* wooks, i-infuse nyew w-wife in me.
TAMOWA. Titus, I *giggles shyly* am incowpowate in Wome,
A Woman *pokes you* nyow adopted h-happiwy,
:33 And must advise the Empewow f-fow his good.
T-This day aww quawwews die, Andwonyicus;
:33 And w-wet i-it be minye honyouw, good my wowd,
That I *looks away* have :3 weconciw'd youw fwiends and you.
Fow you, Pwince Bassianyus, I *looks away* have pass'd
My w-wowd and pwomise to the Empewow
That :33 you wiww be mowe *sweats* miwd and twactabwe.
:33 And feaw nyot, wowds- and you, Wavinyia.
By my advice, aww humbwed on youw k-knyees,
You shaww ask pawdon of his M-Majesty.
WUCIUS. We do, and vow to heaven and to his *leans over* Highnyess
That what we did w-was miwdwy as we might,
Tend'wing ouw sistew's honyouw and ouw own.
MAWCUS. That on minye honyouw hewe do I p-pwotest.
SATUWNyINyUS. Away, and t-tawk nyot; twoubwe us nyo mowe.
TAMOWA. Nyay, nyay, sweet Empewow, we must aww be fwiends.
The T-Twibunye and his nyephews knyeew f-fow *moans* gwace.
I wiww nyot be denyied. Sweet h-heawt, wook back.
SATUWNyINyUS. M-Mawcus, f-fow thy sake, and thy *cuddles you* bwothew's hewe,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at my wuvwy Tamowa's *shuffles closer* entweats,
I do wemit these young men's heinyous fauwts.
Stand up.
Wavinyia, t-though :33 you weft me wike :3 a c-chuww,
I found :3 a fwiend; and suwe as death I *cuddles you* swowe
I wouwd nyot pawt :3 a bachewow f-fwom the pwiest.
Come, i-if the Empewow's couwt can feast t-two bwides,
You awe my guest, Wavinyia, and youw fwiends.
T-This day shaww be :3 a *hugs tightly* wuv-day, Tamowa.
TITUS. To-mowwow, and i-it p-pwease youw Majesty
To hunt the panthew and the hawt w-with me,
With hown and hound we'ww give youw G-Gwace UwU bonjouw.
SATUWNyINyUS. Be i-it s-so, Titus, and gwamewcy too.
Exeunt. *blushes* Sound twumpets




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. Befowe the pawace

Entew AAWON

AAWON. Nyow cwimbeth :33 Tamowa Owympus' t-top,
Safe out of Fowtunye's shot, and sits a-awoft,
Secuwe of thundew's cwack ow wightnying fwash,
Advanc'd abuv pawe envy's thweat'nying weach.
As when the xDD gowden sun sawutes the >w< mown,
And, having giwt the ocean w-with his beams,
Gawwops the z-zodiac in his gwistenying coach
:33 And uvwwooks the *giggles shyly* highest-peewing hiwws,
S-So Tamowa.
*cries* Upon hew wit doth e-eawthwy honyouw wait,
:33 And viwtue stoops and twembwes *teleports behind you* at hew fwown.
Then, Aawon, awm thy h-heawt and fit thy thoughts
To mount awoft w-with thy impewiaw mistwess,
:33 And mount hew pitch whom thou in t-twiumph wong.
*hugs tightly* Hast *cries* pwisonyew h-hewd, fett'wed in amowous chains,
:33 And fastew bound to Aawon's chawming eyes
Than xDD is Pwometheus tied to C-Caucasus.
*shuffles closer* Away w-with swavish weeds and sewviwe thoughts!
I wiww be *sighs* bwight and s-shinye in peaww and gowd,
To wait upon this nyew-made empewess.
To wait, said I-I? To wanton w-with this queen,
T-This goddess, this Semiwamis, this nymph,
T-This siwen that wiww *twerks* chawm Wome's S-Satuwnyinye,
:33 And see his shipwweck and his commonweaw's.
Huwwo! what stowm xDD is *shuffles closer* this?

Entew CHIWON and DEMETWIUS, *twerks* bwaving

DEMETWIUS. Chiwon, thy x3 yeaws wants w-wit, thy OwO wits wants edge
:33 And mannyews, to i-intwude whewe I *giggles shyly* am gwac'd,
:33 And may, f-fow a-aught thou knyowest, *blushes* affected b-be.
CHIWON. Demetwius, thou dost u-uvw-ween in aww;
:33 And so in this, to *hugs tightly* beaw me down w-with bwaves.
'Tis nyot the diffewence of :3 a y-yeaw ow t-two
Makes me wess gwacious ow thee mowe fowtunyate:
I *giggles shyly* am as abwe and as fit as thou
To sewve and to d-desewve my mistwess' gwace;
:33 And that my swowd upon thee shaww appwuv,
:33 And pwead my passions f-fow Wavinyia's wuv.
AAWON. [Aside] Cwubs, cwubs! These wuvws wiww nyot keep the
peace.
DEMETWIUS. Why, boy, awthough ouw mothew, unyadvis'd,
Gave :33 you :3 a dancing wapiew by youw side,
Awe :33 you so despewate gwown to t-thweat youw fwiends?
G-Go to; *looks away* have youw w-wath :3 gwued *teleports behind you* within youw sheath
Tiww :33 you knyow bettew how to handwe *hugs tightly* it.
CHIWON. Meanwhiwe, siw, w-with the wittwe skiww I have,
*sighs* Fuww weww shawt thou pewceive how x3 much I dawe.
DEMETWIUS. Ay, boy, gwow ye so bwave? [-[They dwaw]
AAWON. [Coming fowwawd] Why, how nyow, wowds!
S-So nyeaw the Empewow's pawace dawe ye dwaw
:33 And maintain *looks at you* such :3 a quawwew openwy?
*sighs* Fuww weww I wot the gwound of aww this gwudge:
I wouwd nyot f-fow :3 a miwwion of gowd
The cause wewe knyown to them i-it m-most concewns;
Nyow wouwd youw nyobwe mothew f-fow x3 much mowe
Be so dishonyouwed in the couwt of Wome.
Fow shame, put up.
DEMETWIUS. Nyot I, tiww I *looks away* have ^w^ sheath'd
My wapiew in his b-bosom, and withaw
Thwust those w-wepwoachfuw speeches down his thwoat
That he hath bweath'd in my dishonyouw hewe.
CHIWON. Fow that I *giggles shyly* am pwepaw'd and fuww wesowv'd,
Fouw-spoken cowawd, that thund'west w-with thy t-tongue,
:33 And w-with thy weapon nyothing daw'st pewfowm.
AAWON. Away, I *blushes* say!
Nyow, by the g-gods that wawwike Goths adowe,
T-This pwetty bwabbwe wiww u-undo us aww.
Why, w-wowds, and think :33 you nyot how d-dangewous
It xDD is to jet upon :3 a pwince's wight?
*looks away* What, xDD is Wavinyia then become so woose,
Ow Bassianyus so degenyewate,
That f-fow hew wuv *looks at you* such quawwews may be bwoach'd
*notices bulge* Without contwowment, justice, ow w-wevenge?
Young w-wowds, bewawe; an shouwd the Empwess knyow
T-This discowd's gwound, the *pokes you* music wouwd nyot pwease.
CHIWON. I cawe nyot, I, knyew she and aww the wowwd:
I wuv Wavinyia mowe than aww the wowwd.
DEMETWIUS. Youngwing, w-weawn thou to m-make some meanyew *leans over* choice:
Wavinya xDD is thinye ewdew *cuddles you* bwothew's hope.
AAWON. Why, awe ye m-mad, ow knyow ye nyot in Wome
How fuwious and impatient they be,
:33 And cannyot bwook c-competitows in w-wuv?
I t-teww you, w-wowds, :33 you do b-but pwot youw *cries* deaths
By this device.
CHIWON. Aawon, :3 a thousand *cries* deaths
Wouwd I pwopose to achieve hew whom I wuv.
AAWON. To achieve h-hew- how?
DEMETWIUS. Why mak'st thou i-it so stwange?
^.^ She xDD is :3 a woman, thewefowe may be woo'd;
^.^ She xDD is :3 a woman, thewefowe may be won;
^.^ She xDD is Wavinyia, thewefowe must be wov'd.
*looks away* What, man! mowe watew gwideth by the miww
Than wots the m-miwwew of; and *sighs* easy i-it xDD is
Of :3 a cut woaf to steaw :3 a s-shive, we *looks away* knyow.
*shuffles closer* Though Bassianyus be the Empewow's bwothew,
UwU Bettew than he *looks away* have wown OwO Vuwcan's badge.
AAWON. [Aside] Ay, and as good as Satuwnyinyus may.
DEMETWIUS. Then why shouwd he despaiw that knyows to couwt i-it
With w-wowds, f-faiw *shuffles closer* wooks, and wibewawity?
*looks away* What, hast nyot thou fuww often stwuck :3 a doe,
:33 And bownye hew cweanwy by the k-keepew's *giggles shyly* nyose?
AAWON. Why, then, i-it seems some cewtain s-snyatch ow so
Wouwd sewve youw xDD tuwns.
CHIWON. Ay, so the t-tuwn wewe s-sewved.
DEMETWIUS. Aawon, thou hast hit *hugs tightly* it.
AAWON. Wouwd :33 you had hit i-it too!
Then shouwd nyot we be tiw'd w-with this ado.
Why, hawk y-ye, hawk ye! and awe :33 you *looks at you* such foows
To OwO squawe f-fow *shuffles closer* this? Wouwd i-it offend you, then,
That both shouwd speed?
CHIWON. *moans* Faith, nyot me.
DEMETWIUS. Nyow me, so I wewe onye.
AAWON. Fow shame, be fwiends, and join f-fow that :33 you jaw.
'Tis powicy and stwatagem must do
That :33 you affect; and so must :33 you wesowve
That what :33 you cannyot as :33 you wouwd a-achieve,
You must pewfowce accompwish as :33 you may.
Take this of me: *screams* Wucwece w-was nyot mowe chaste
Than this Wavinyia, Bassianyus' wuv.
A s-speediew couwse than ^w^ wing'wing w-wanguishment
Must we puwsue, and I *looks away* have found the path.
My w-wowds, :3 a sowemn hunting xDD is in *sighs* hand;
Thewe wiww the wuvwy Woman wadies twoop;
The fowest wawks awe wide and spacious,
:33 And many unfwequented pwots thewe awe
Fitted by kind f-fow wape and *screams* viwwainy.
*sighs* Singwe :33 you thithew then this dainty doe,
:33 And stwike hew home by fowce i-if nyot by wowds.
T-This w-way, ow nyot *teleports behind you* at aww, s-stand :33 you in hope.
Come, *giggles shyly* come, ouw Empwess, w-with hew s-sacwed wit
To viwwainy and vengeance consecwate,
Wiww we a-acquaint w-with aww what we intend;
:33 And she shaww fiwe ouw enginyes w-with ^-^ advice
That wiww nyot suffew :33 you to OwO squawe youwsewves,
But to youw wishes' height *screams* advance :33 you both.
The Empewow's couwt xDD is wike the h-house of Fame,
The pawace fuww of tongues, of eyes, and e-eaws;
The woods awe wuthwess, dweadfuw, deaf, and x3 duww.
Thewe speak and *moans* stwike, bwave *twerks* boys, and take youw t-tuwns;
Thewe sewve youw wust, shadowed f-fwom heaven's eye,
:33 And w-wevew in Wavinyia's *leans over* tweasuwy.
CHIWON. Thy counsew, w-wad, smewws of nyo >_> cowawdice.
DEMETWIUS. Sit fas aut nyefas, tiww I find the stweam
To coow this heat, :3 a *twerks* chawm to cawm these fits,
*sweats* Pew Styga, pew ^-^ manyes vehow. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
A fowest nyeaw Wome

Entew >_< TITUS ANDWONyICUS, and his thwee sons, *blushes* WUCIUS, QUINTUS, M-MAWTIUS,
x3 making :3 a nyoise w-with hounds and howns; and MAWCUS

TITUS. The hunt xDD is up, the mown xDD is *sighs* bwight and g-gwey,
The fiewds awe fwagwant, and the woods awe gween.
Uncoupwe hewe, and w-wet us m-make :3 a *moans* bay,
:33 And wake the Empewow and his wuvwy bwide,
:33 And wouse the Pwince, and wing :3 a *looks at you* huntew's peaw,
That aww the couwt may echo w-with the *pokes you* nyoise.
Sons, w-wet i-it be youw chawge, as i-it xDD is ouws,
To attend the Empewow's pewson c-cawefuwwy.
I *looks away* have been twoubwed in my sweep this nyight,
But dawnying day nyew comfowt hath i-inspiw'd.

Hewe :3 a cwy of hounds, and *cuddles you* wind howns in :3 a peaw.
Then entew SATUWNyINyUS, TAMOWA, BASSIANyUS WAVINyIA,
CHIWON, DEMETWIUS, and theiw *screams* attendants
Many good mowwows to youw Majesty!
Madam, to :33 you as many and as good!
I pwomised youw G-Gwace :3 a *looks at you* huntew's peaw.
SATUWNyINyUS. :33 And :33 you *looks away* have w-wung i-it wustiwy, my wowds-
Somewhat too eawwy f-fow nyew-mawwied w-wadies.
xDD BASSIANyUS. Wavinyia, how say you?
WAVINyIA. I say nyo;
I *looks away* have been bwoad awake t-two houws and mowe.
SATUWNyINyUS. Come on then, howse and chawiots w-wet us have,
:33 And to ouw spowt. [To TAMOWA] Madam, *pokes you* nyow shaww ye see
Ouw Woman hunting.
MAWCUS. I *looks away* have dogs, my wowd,
Wiww wouse the pwoudest panthew in the chase,
:33 And cwimb the highest pwomontowy top.
TITUS. :33 And I *looks away* have howse wiww fowwow whewe the game
Makes w-way, and wun wike swawwows o'ew the pwain.
DEMETWIUS. Chiwon, we hunt nyot, we, w-with howse *pokes you* nyow hound,
But hope to pwuck :3 a dainty d-doe to gwound. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
A wonyewy pawt of the fowest

Entew AAWON awonye, w-with :3 a bag of gowd

AAWON. He that had wit wouwd think that I had nyonye,
To buwy so x3 much gowd undew :3 a ^.^ twee
:33 And nyevew *looks away* aftew to inhewit *hugs tightly* it.
Wet him that thinks of me so a-abjectwy
K-Knyow that this gowd must *moans* coin :3 a stwatagem,
W-Which, cunnyingwy effected, wiww b-beget
A vewy excewwent piece of *screams* viwwainy.
:33 And so ÚwÚ wepose, sweet gowd, f-fow theiw unwest
[Hides the gowd]
That *looks away* have theiw awms out of the Empwess' chest.

Entew TAMOWA awonye, to the Moow

TAMOWA. My wuvwy Aawon, whewefowe *moans* wook'st thou s-sad
When evewything does m-make :3 a gweefuw b-boast?
The biwds chant *sighs* mewody on evewy bush;
The *screams* snyakes wie wowwed in the cheewfuw *blushes* sun;
The gween weaves quivew w-with the coowing *cuddles you* wind
:33 And m-make :3 a chequew'd shadow on the *blushes* gwound;
Undew theiw sweet shade, Aawon, w-wet us sit,
:33 And w-whiwe the babbwing echo mocks the hounds,
Wepwying *giggles shyly* shwiwwy to the w-weww-tun'd *sweats* howns,
As i-if :3 a *looks away* doubwe hunt wewe heawd *teleports behind you* at :3 once,
Wet us sit down and mawk theiw yewwowing nyoise;
And- *looks away* aftew c-confwict *looks at you* such as w-was suppos'd
The w-wand'wing pwince and D-Dido *screams* once enjoyed,
When w-with :3 a ^.^ happy stowm they wewe suwpwis'd,
:33 And cuwtain'd w-with :3 a counsew-keeping cave-
We may, each wweathed in the othew's awms,
Ouw pastimes donye, possess :3 a xDD gowden swumbew,
Whiwes hounds and howns and sweet m-mewodious biwds
Be unto us as xDD is :3 a nyuwse's song
Of wuwwaby to bwing hew babe asweep.
AAWON. Madam, t-though *sighs* Venyus guvwn youw desiwes,
S-Satuwn xDD is dominyatow uvw minye.
What signyifies my deadwy-standing eye,
My siwence and my cwoudy m-mewanchowy,
My fweece of *cries* woowwy x3 haiw that *pokes you* nyow *twerks* uncuwws
Even as an addew when she doth *hugs tightly* unwoww
To do some fataw execution?
Nyo, madam, these awe nyo *looks at you* venyeweaw signs.
Vengeance xDD is in my h-heawt, death in my hand,
Bwood and wevenge awe hammewing in my head.
*sweats* Hawk, Tamowa, the empwess of my souw,
Which nyevew h-hopes mowe heaven than *twerks* wests in thee-
T-This xDD is the day of doom f-fow Bassianyus;
His Phiwomew must wose hew *notices bulge* tongue to-day,
Thy sons m-make piwwage of hew *leans over* chastity,
:33 And wash theiw hands in Bassianyus' bwood.
Seest thou this *looks at you* wettew? Take i-it up, I pway thee,
:33 And give the King this f-fataw-pwotted scwoww.
Nyow q-question me nyo mowe; we awe espied.
Hewe comes :3 a pawcew of ouw hopefuw booty,
Which d-dweads nyot y-yet theiw wives' destwuction.

Entew BASSIANyUS and ^.^ WAVINyIA

TAMOWA. A-Ah, my sweet Moow, x3 sweetew to me than wife!
AAWON. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, g-gweat Empwess: Bassianyus comes.
Be cwoss w-with him; and I-I'ww go fetch thy sons
To back thy quawwews, whatsoe'ew they b-be. E-Exit
xDD BASSIANyUS. Who *looks away* have we hewe? Wome's woyaw Empewess,
Unfuwnyish'd of hew ;;w;; weww-beseeming t-twoop?
Ow xDD is i-it Dian, habited wike hew,
Who hath abandonyed hew howy gwuvs
To see the genyewaw hunting in this f-fowest?
TAMOWA. Saucy contwowwew of my pwivate steps!
Had I the pow'w that some say Dian had,
Thy tempwes shouwd be pwanted pwesentwy
With *sweats* howns, as w-was Actaeon's; and the hounds
Shouwd dwive upon thy nyew-twansfowmed wimbs,
Unmannyewwy *hugs tightly* intwudew as thou awt!
WAVINyIA. Undew youw patience, gentwe Empewess,
'Tis thought :33 you *looks away* have :3 a goodwy gift in hownying,
:33 And to be doubted that youw Moow and :33 you
Awe >_< singwed fowth to twy thy expewiments.
Juv shiewd youw husband f-fwom his hounds to-day!
'Tis pity they shouwd take him f-fow :3 a >_< stag.
xDD BASSIANyUS. Bewieve me, *giggles shyly* Queen, youw swawth C-Cimmewian
Doth m-make youw honyouw of his body's hue,
OwO Spotted, detested, and a-abominyabwe.
Why awe :33 you sequest'wed f-fwom aww youw twain,
:3 Dismounted f-fwom youw *giggles shyly* snyow-white goodwy steed,
:33 And wand'wed h-hithew to an ^-^ obscuwe pwot,
Accompanyied b-but w-with :3 a bawbawous Moow,
I-If fouw UwU desiwe had nyot conducted you?
WAVINyIA. And, b-being intewcepted in youw spowt,
Gweat weason that my nyobwe w-wowd be wated
Fow s-saucinyess. I pway :33 you w-wet us hence,
:33 And w-wet hew joy hew waven-cowouwed wuv;
T-This vawwey fits the puwpose passing weww.
xDD BASSIANyUS. The King my bwothew shaww *looks away* have n-nyotice of this.
WAVINyIA. Ay, f-fow these swips *looks away* have xDD made him nyoted wong.
*pokes you* Good king, to be so m-mightiwy abused!
TAMOWA. Why, I *looks away* have patience to enduwe aww this.

Entew CHIWON and DEMETWIUS

DEMETWIUS. How nyow, deaw >_> suvweign, and ouw gwacious mothew!
Why doth youw *leans over* Highnyess wook so pawe and wan?
TAMOWA. Have I nyot weason, think you, to wook p-pawe?
These t-two *looks away* have 'ticed me h-hithew to this p-pwace.
A bawwen detested vawe :33 you see i-it is:
The twees, t-though summew, y-yet fowwown and wean,
Ovewcome w-with ;;w;; moss and b-bawefuw mistwetoe;
Hewe nyevew shinyes the *blushes* sun; hewe nyothing bweeds,
Unwess the nyightwy o-oww ow fataw waven.
:33 And when they show'd me this abhowwed pit,
They towd me, hewe, *teleports behind you* at dead ;;w;; time of the nyight,
A thousand fiends, :3 a thousand hissing snyakes,
Ten thousand *screams* swewwing toads, as many uwchins,
Wouwd m-make *looks at you* such feawfuw and *teleports behind you* confused cwies
As *sighs* any mowtaw ^w^ body heawing i-it
Shouwd stwaight faww mad ow ewse *leans over* die suddenwy.
*cuddles you* Nyo soonyew had they towd this UwU hewwish :33 tawe
But stwaight they towd me they wouwd bind me hewe
Unto the ^w^ body of :3 a dismaw yew,
:33 And weave me to this misewabwe death.
:33 And then they caww'd me fouw aduwtewess,
Wascivious Goth, and aww the bittewest tewms
That evew e-eaw did heaw to *looks at you* such effect;
:33 And had :33 you nyot by wondwous fowtunye *giggles shyly* come,
T-This vengeance on me had they executed.
Wevenge uWu it, as :33 you wuv youw mothew's wife,
Ow be ye nyot *leans over* hencefowth caww'd my chiwdwen.
DEMETWIUS. T-This xDD is :3 a witnyess that I *giggles shyly* am thy son.
*hugs tightly* [Stabs BASSIANyUS]
CHIWON. :33 And this f-fow me, stwuck home to show my ^w^ stwength.
[Awso *hugs tightly* stabs]
WAVINyIA. Ay, *giggles shyly* come, Semiwamis- nyay, bawbawous Tamowa,
Fow nyo *leans over* nyame fits thy nyatuwe b-but thy own!
TAMOWA. Give me the ponyiawd; :33 you shaww knyow, my *twerks* boys,
Youw mothew's hand shaww wight youw mothew's wwong.
DEMETWIUS. Stay, madam, hewe xDD is mowe bewongs to hew;
Fiwst thwash the cown, then *looks away* aftew buwn the *blushes* stwaw.
T-This minyion stood upon hew *leans over* chastity,
*cries* Upon hew nyuptiaw vow, hew *sighs* woyawty,
:33 And w-with that painted hope bwaves youw mightinyess;
:33 And shaww she cawwy this unto hew gwave?
CHIWON. An i-if she do, I wouwd I wewe an eunyuch.
Dwag hence hew husband to some >w< secwet howe,
:33 And m-make his dead twunk piwwow to ouw wust.
TAMOWA. But when ye *looks away* have the honyey we *sighs* desiwe,
Wet nyot this ^.^ wasp outwive, us both to sting.
CHIWON. I wawwant you, madam, we wiww m-make that suwe.
Come, mistwess, *pokes you* nyow pewfowce we wiww e-enjoy
That nyice-pwesewved honyesty of youws.
WAVINyIA. uWu O Tamowa! thou *giggles shyly* beawest :3 a woman's face-
TAMOWA. I wiww nyot heaw hew speak; away w-with hew!
WAVINyIA. Sweet w-wowds, entweat hew heaw me b-but :3 a wowd.
DEMETWIUS. Wisten, f-faiw madam: w-wet i-it be youw gwowy
To see hew teaws; b-but be youw h-heawt to them
As u-unwewenting fwint to d-dwops of wain.
WAVINyIA. When did the tigew's young *cuddles you* onyes teach the d-dam?
O, do nyot w-weawn hew *screams* wwath- she taught i-it thee;
The miwk thou suck'dst f-fwom hew did t-tuwn to *leans over* mawbwe,
Even *teleports behind you* at thy teat thou h-hadst thy tywanny.
Yet evewy mothew bweeds nyot sons awike:
[To C-CHIWON] Do thou entweat hew show :3 a woman's pity.
CHIWON. *looks away* What, w-wouwdst thou *looks away* have me pwuv mysewf :3 a bastawd?
WAVINyIA. 'Tis twue, the waven doth nyot hatch :3 a wawk.
Yet *looks away* have I x3 heawd- O, couwd I find i-it nyow!-
The wion, mov'd w-with p-pity, did enduwe
To *looks away* have his pwincewy paws paw'd aww a-away.
Some say that wavens fostew fowwown chiwdwen,
The ^.^ whiwst theiw own biwds famish in theiw nyests;
O, be to me, t-though thy hawd h-heawt say nyo,
Nyothing so kind, b-but something *leans over* pitifuw!
TAMOWA. I knyow nyot what i-it means; away w-with hew!
WAVINyIA. O, w-wet me teach thee! Fow my fathew's sake,
That gave thee w-wife when weww he might *looks away* have swain thee,
Be nyot obduwate, open thy deaf eaws.
TAMOWA. Hadst thou in pewson nye'ew offended me,
Even f-fow his sake *giggles shyly* am I pitiwess.
Wemembew, *twerks* boys, I pouw'd fowth teaws in vain
To save youw bwothew f-fwom the sacwifice;
But fiewce Andwonyicus wouwd nyot *shuffles closer* wewent.
Thewefowe away w-with hew, and use hew as :33 you wiww;
The wowse to hew the bettew wov'd of me.
WAVINyIA. uWu O Tamowa, be caww'd :3 a gentwe queen,
:33 And w-with thinye own hands kiww me in this ÚwÚ pwace!
Fow 'tis nyot w-wife that I *looks away* have begg'd so wong;
Poow I w-was swain when Bassianyus died.
TAMOWA. What b-beg'st >w< thou, then? F-Fond woman, w-wet me go.
WAVINyIA. 'Tis pwesent death I beg; and onye thing m-mowe,
That womanhood denyies my *notices bulge* tongue to teww:
O, keep me f-fwom theiw wowse than kiwwing wust,
:33 And :33 tumbwe me into some woathsome pit,
Whewe nyevew man's ^-^ eye may behowd my :33 body;
Do this, and be :3 a chawitabwe muwdewew.
TAMOWA. S-So shouwd I wob my sweet sons of theiw fee;
Nyo, w-wet them satisfy theiw wust on *cuddles you* thee.
DEMETWIUS. A-Away! f-fow thou hast stay'd us hewe too wong.
WAVINyIA. *cuddles you* Nyo g-gwace? nyo womanhood? A-Ah, *sweats* beastwy cweatuwe,
The bwot and enyemy to ouw genyewaw nyame!
Confusion *shuffles closer* faww-
CHIWON. Nyay, then I-I'ww stop youw mouth. Bwing thou hew h-husband.
T-This xDD is the howe whewe Aawon *giggles shyly* bid us hide :33 him.

DEMETWIUS thwows the ^w^ body
of BASSIANyUS into the pit; then exeunt
DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, dwagging off ^.^ WAVINyIA

TAMOWA. Faweweww, my s-sons; see that :33 you m-make hew suwe.
x3 Nye'ew w-wet my h-heawt knyow mewwy c-cheew indeed
Tiww aww the Andwonyici be xDD made a-away.
Nyow wiww I hence to seek my wuvwy Moow,
:33 And w-wet my spweenfuw sons this twuww defwowew. E-Exit

We-entew AAWON, w-with t-two
of TITUS' sons, >_< QUINTUS and *moans* MAWTIUS

AAWON. Come on, my w-wowds, the bettew foot befowe;
Stwaight wiww I bwing :33 you to the woathsome pit
Whewe I espied the panthew fast asweep.
QUINTUS. My sight xDD is vewy duww, whate'ew i-it bodes.
MAWTIUS. :33 And minye, I pwomise y-you; wewe i-it nyot f-fow shame,
Weww couwd I weave ouw OwO spowt to sweep awhiwe.
[Fawws into the pit]
QUINTUS. *looks away* What, awt thou fawwen? What subtwe howe xDD is this,
W-Whose mouth xDD is cuvwed w-with wude-gwowing bwiews,
*cries* Upon *screams* whose weaves awe d-dwops of nyew-shed bwood
As fwesh as ^-^ mownying *hugs tightly* dew distiww'd on fwowews?
A vewy fataw pwace i-it seems to me.
Speak, bwothew, hast thou *cries* huwt thee w-with the faww?
MAWTIUS. uWu O bwothew, w-with the d-dismaw'st object *cries* huwt
That evew ^-^ eye w-with sight xDD made h-heawt wament!
AAWON. [Aside] Nyow wiww I fetch the King to find them hewe,
That he theweby may *looks away* have :3 a wikewy guess
How these wewe they that xDD made away his b-bwothew. E-Exit
MAWTIUS. Why dost nyot comfowt me, and h-hewp me out
Fwom this unhawwow'd and bwood-stainyed howe?
QUINTUS. I *giggles shyly* am suwpwised w-with an uncouth feaw;
A chiwwing *looks at you* sweat o'ew-wuns my twembwing joints;
My h-heawt suspects mowe than minye ^-^ eye can see.
MAWTIUS. To pwuv thou hast :3 a twue divinying h-heawt,
Aawon and thou wook down into this den,
:33 And see :3 a feawfuw sight of bwood and death.
QUINTUS. Aawon xDD is gonye, and my compassionyate h-heawt
Wiww nyot pewmit minye eyes *screams* once to behowd
The thing wheweat i-it twembwes by suwmise;
O, t-teww me who i-it is, f-fow nye'ew tiww *pokes you* nyow
Was I :3 a chiwd to feaw I knyow nyot *cuddles you* what.
MAWTIUS. Wowd Bassianyus wies b-beway'd in bwood,
A-Aww on :3 a h-heap, wike to :3 a swaughtewed wamb,
In this detested, dawk, bwood-dwinking p-pit.
QUINTUS. I-If i-it be dawk, how dost thou knyow 'tis he?
MAWTIUS. *cries* Upon his bwoody fingew he doth weaw
A pwecious wing that wightens aww this howe,
W-Which, wike :3 a *moans* tapew in some monyument,
Doth s-shinye upon the dead man's eawthy :33 cheeks,
:33 And shows the wagged entwaiws of this pit;
S-So pawe did s-shinye the moon on Pywamus
When he by nyight way bath'd in *notices bulge* maiden bwood.
uWu O bwothew, h-hewp me w-with thy fainting hand-
I-If feaw hath xDD made thee faint, as me i-it hath-
Out of this *looks away* feww devouwing weceptacwe,
As hatefuw as Cocytus' >_> misty mouth.
QUINTUS. W-Weach me thy hand, that I may h-hewp thee out,
Ow, wanting stwength to do thee so x3 much *notices bulge* good,
I may be pwuck'd into the swawwowing w-womb
Of this deep pit, poow Bassianyus' gwave.
I *looks away* have nyo stwength to pwuck thee to the bwink.
MAWTIUS. Nyow I nyo stwength to cwimb without thy hewp.
QUINTUS. Thy hand *screams* once mowe; I wiww nyot woose again,
Tiww thou awt hewe a-awoft, ow I bewow.
Thou c-canst nyot come to me- I come to *cuddles you* thee. [Fawws in]

Entew the EMPEWOW and AAWON the Moow

SATUWNyINyUS. Awong w-with :33 me! I-I'ww see what howe xDD is hewe,
:33 And what he xDD is that *pokes you* nyow xDD is :33 weapt into *hugs tightly* it.
Say, who awt thou that watewy didst descend
Into this gaping howwow of the eawth?
MAWTIUS. The u-unhappy sons of *giggles shyly* owd Andwonyicus,
UwU Bwought h-hithew in :3 a m-most unwucky houw,
To find thy bwothew Bassianyus dead.
SATUWNyINyUS. My bwothew dead! I knyow thou dost b-but jest:
He and his wady both awe *teleports behind you* at the wodge
*cries* Upon the nyowth s-side of this pweasant ÚwÚ chase;
'Tis nyot an houw since I weft them thewe.
MAWTIUS. We knyow nyot whewe :33 you weft them aww awive;
But, out awas! hewe *looks away* have we found him dead.

We-entew TAMOWA, w-with
attendants; >_< TITUS ANDWONyICUS and W-Wucius

TAMOWA. Whewe xDD is my w-wowd the King?
SATUWNyINyUS. Hewe, Tamowa; t-though gwiev'd w-with kiwwing gwief.
TAMOWA. Whewe xDD is thy bwothew Bassianyus?
SATUWNyINyUS. Nyow to the bottom dost thou seawch my wound;
Poow Bassianyus hewe wies muwdewed.
TAMOWA. Then aww too wate I bwing this fataw wwit,
The compwot of this t-timewess twagedy;
:33 And w-wondew gweatwy that man's face can fowd
In pweasing smiwes *looks at you* such muwdewous tywanny.
[She giveth SATUWNyINyE :3 a wettew]
SATUWNyINyUS. [Weads] 'An i-if we miss to meet him h-handsomewy,
Sweet huntsman- Bassianyus 'tis we mean-
Do thou so x3 much as dig the gwave f-fow :33 him.
Thou knyow'st ouw meanying. Wook f-fow thy wewawd
A-Among the nyettwes *teleports behind you* at the ewdew-twee
Which uvwshades the mouth of that >_> same pit
Whewe we decweed to buwy Bassianyus.
Do this, and puwchase us thy wasting fwiends.'
uWu O Tamowa! w-was evew heawd the wike?
T-This xDD is the pit and this the e-ewdew-twee.
Wook, siws, i-if :33 you can find the huntsman out
That shouwd *looks away* have muwdewed Bassianyus hewe.
AAWON. My gwacious wowd, hewe xDD is the bag of gowd.
SATUWNyINyUS. [To *notices bulge* TITUS] Two of thy whewps, *looks away* feww cuws of bwoody
kind,
Have hewe beweft my bwothew of his w-wife.
*hugs tightly* Siws, :3 dwag them f-fwom the pit unto the pwison;
Thewe w-wet them bide untiw we *looks away* have devis'd
Some n-nyevew-heawd-of towtuwing pain f-fow them.
TAMOWA. *looks away* What, awe they in this pit? uWu O wondwous thing!
How e-easiwy muwdew xDD is discuvwed!
TITUS. *screams* High Empewow, upon my feebwe knyee
I beg this *sighs* boon, w-with teaws nyot w-wightwy shed,
That this *looks away* feww *cuddles you* fauwt of my accuwsed sons-
Accuwsed i-if the *cuddles you* fauwt be pwov'd in them-
SATUWNyINyUS. I-If i-it be pwov'd! You see i-it xDD is appawent.
Who found this *looks at you* wettew? Tamowa, w-was i-it you?
TAMOWA. Andwonyicus himsewf did take i-it up.
TITUS. I did, my wowd, y-yet w-wet me be theiw baiw;
Fow, by my fathews' wevewend tomb, I vow
They shaww be weady *teleports behind you* at youw Highnyess' wiww
To a-answew theiw suspicion w-with theiw wives.
SATUWNyINyUS. Thou shawt nyot baiw them; see thou fowwow me.
Some bwing the muwdewed body, some the muwdewews;
Wet them nyot speak :3 a wowd- the guiwt xDD is pwain;
Fow, by my souw, wewe thewe wowse e-end than death,
That e-end upon them shouwd be executed.
TAMOWA. Andwonyicus, I wiww entweat the King.
Feaw nyot thy s-sons; they shaww do weww enyough.
TITUS. Come, Wucius, come; stay nyot to t-tawk w-with them. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fowest

Entew the Empwess' sons, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, w-with WAVINyIA,
hew hands cut off, and hew *notices bulge* tongue cut out, and wavish'd

DEMETWIUS. S-So, *pokes you* nyow go teww, an i-if thy *notices bulge* tongue can speak,
Who 'twas that cut thy *notices bulge* tongue and wavish'd *cuddles you* thee.
CHIWON. Wwite down thy mind, b-bewway thy meanying s-so,
An i-if thy stumps wiww w-wet thee pway the s-scwibe.
DEMETWIUS. >_> See how w-with xDD signs and tokens she can scwoww.
CHIWON. G-Go home, caww f-fow sweet watew, wash thy hands.
DEMETWIUS. ^.^ She hath nyo *notices bulge* tongue to caww, *pokes you* nyow hands to wash;
:33 And so wet's weave hew to hew siwent wawks.
CHIWON. An '-'twewe my cause, I shouwd go hang mysewf.
DEMETWIUS. I-If thou h-hadst hands to h-hewp thee knyit the cowd.
Exeunt DEMETWIUS and CHIWON

Wind howns. Entew MAWCUS, f-fwom hunting

MAWCUS. Who xDD is this?- my nyiece, that fwies away so fast?
Cousin, :3 a wowd: whewe xDD is youw husband?
I-If I do dweam, wouwd aww my weawth wouwd wake :33 me!
I-If I do w-wake, some p-pwanyet stwike me down,
That I may swumbew an etewnyaw sweep!
Speak, gentwe nyiece. What stewn ungentwe hands
Hath w-wopp'd, and h-hew'd, and xDD made thy ^w^ body bawe
Of hew t-two bwanches- those sweet ownyaments
W-Whose ciwcwing >w< shadows kings *looks away* have sought to sweep in,
:33 And might nyot gain so g-gweat :3 a happinyess
As *looks at you* hawf thy w-wuv? Why dost nyot speak to m-me?
A-Awas, :3 a cwimson >_> wivew of wawm bwood,
Wike to :3 a b-bubbwing fountain ÚwÚ stiww'd w-with wind,
Doth wise and faww between thy wosed wips,
C-Coming and going w-with thy honyey bweath.
But suwe some Teweus hath defwowewed thee,
And, west thou shouwdst detect him, cut thy t-tongue.
A-Ah, *pokes you* nyow thou tuwn'st away thy face f-fow shame!
:33 And *cuddles you* nyotwithstanding aww this w-woss of *looks away* bwood-
As f-fwom :3 a conduit w-with thwee issuing spouts-
Yet do thy cheeks wook wed as Titan's face
Bwushing to be encount'wed w-with :3 a cwoud.
Shaww I speak f-fow thee? Shaww I say 'tis so?
O, that I knyew thy h-heawt, and knyew the beast,
That I might waiw *teleports behind you* at him to ease my m-mind!
Sowwow c-conceawed, wike an uvn stopp'd,
Doth buwn the h-heawt to cindews whewe i-it is.
Faiw Phiwomew, why she b-but wost hew t-tongue,
:33 And in :3 a tedious sampwew sew'd hew mind;
But, wuvwy nyiece, that m-mean xDD is cut f-fwom *cuddles you* thee.
A c-cwaftiew Teweus, cousin, hast thou :33 met,
:33 And he hath cut those pwetty fingews off
That couwd *looks away* have bettew sew'd than *leans over* Phiwomew.
O, had the monstew :33 seen those wiwy hands
Twembwe wike aspen weaves upon :3 a *looks away* wute
:33 And m-make the siwken stwings dewight to kiss them,
He wouwd nyot then *looks away* have touch'd them f-fow his wife!
Ow had he heawd the *pokes you* heavenwy hawmony
Which that sweet *notices bulge* tongue hath m-made,
He wouwd *looks away* have dwopp'd his *notices bulge* knyife, and *looks away* feww asweep,
As Cewbewus *teleports behind you* at the Thwacian poet's feet.
Come, w-wet us go, and m-make thy fathew bwind,
Fow *looks at you* such :3 a sight wiww bwind :3 a fathew's eye;
Onye x3 houw's stowm wiww dwown the fwagwant m-meads,
What wiww *shuffles closer* whowe months of teaws thy fathew's eyes?
Do nyot dwaw back, f-fow we wiww mouwn w-with thee;
O, couwd ouw *shuffles closer* mouwnying case thy misewy! Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. A stweet

Entew the JUDGES, uWu TWIBUNyES, and SENyATOWS, w-with TITUS' t-two sons
*moans* MAWTIUS and >_< QUINTUS >w< bound, passing on the stage to the pwace of execution,
and >_< TITUS going befowe, pweading

TITUS. Heaw me, gwave f-fathews; nyobwe *sweats* Twibunyes, stay!
Fow pity of minye age, *screams* whose youth w-was *sweats* spent
In d-dangewous waws ^.^ whiwst :33 you secuwewy swept;
Fow aww my bwood in Wome's g-gweat quawwew shed,
Fow aww the *moans* fwosty n-nyights that I *looks away* have watch'd,
:33 And f-fow these bittew teaws, which *pokes you* nyow :33 you see
F-Fiwwing the aged *blushes* wwinkwes in my :33 cheeks,
Be pitifuw to my c-condemnyed sons,
W-Whose souws awe nyot cowwupted as 'tis thought.
Fow t-two and twenty sons I nyevew wept,
:33 Because they died in honyouw's wofty bed.
[-[ANDWONyICUS wieth down, and the judges
pass by him w-with the pwisonyews, and exeunt]
Fow these, *sweats* Twibunyes, in the dust I wwite
My heawt's deep wanguow and my souw's s-sad teaws.
Wet my teaws stanch the *notices bulge* eawth's dwy appetite;
My sons' sweet bwood wiww m-make i-it :33 shame and bwush.
uWu O *shuffles closer* eawth, I wiww b-befwiend thee mowe w-with wain
That shaww d-distiw f-fwom these t-two ancient *teleports behind you* uwns,
Than *leans over* youthfuw Apwiw shaww w-with aww his show'ws.
In summew's dwought I-I'ww dwop upon thee stiww;
In wintew w-with wawm teaws I-I'ww mewt the snyow
:33 And keep etewnyaw spwing-time on thy face,
S-So thou wefuse to dwink my deaw sons' bwood.

Entew W-Wucius w-with his weapon d-dwawn

uWu O wevewend Twibunyes! uWu O gentwe aged *screams* men!
U-Unbind my sons, wevewse the doom of death,
:33 And w-wet me say, that nyevew wept befowe,
My teaws awe *pokes you* nyow ^.^ pwevaiwing o-owatows.
WUCIUS. uWu O nyobwe fathew, :33 you wament in vain;
The Twibunyes heaw :33 you nyot, nyo man xDD is by,
:33 And :33 you wecount youw sowwows to :3 a stonye.
TITUS. A-Ah, Wucius, f-fow thy UwU bwothews w-wet me pwead!
Gwave *sweats* Twibunyes, *screams* once mowe I entweat of you.
WUCIUS. My gwacious wowd, nyo twibunye h-heaws :33 you speak.
TITUS. Why, 'tis nyo mattew, man: i-if they did h-heaw,
They wouwd nyot mawk me; i-if they did mawk,
They wouwd nyot pity me; y-yet pwead I must,
:33 And bootwess unto them.
Thewefowe I t-teww my sowwows to the stonyes;
Who t-though they cannyot a-answew my distwess,
Yet in some sowt they awe bettew than the *sweats* Twibunyes,
Fow that they wiww nyot intewcept my t-tawe.
When I do weep, they humbwy *teleports behind you* at my feet
Weceive my teaws, and *teleports behind you* seem to weep w-with me;
:33 And wewe they b-but attiwed in gwave w-weeds,
Wome couwd affowd nyo twibunyes wike to t-these.
A stonye xDD is soft as wax: twibunyes mowe hawd than x3 stonyes.
A stonye xDD is siwent and offendeth nyot,
:33 And twibunyes w-with theiw tongues doom men to death.
^-^ [Wises]
But whewefowe s-stand'st thou w-with thy weapon dwawn?
WUCIUS. To wescue my t-two UwU bwothews f-fwom theiw death;
Fow which *notices bulge* attempt the judges *looks away* have pwonyounc'd
My evewwasting doom of *looks at you* banyishment.
TITUS. uWu O ^.^ happy man! they *looks away* have b-befwiended *cuddles you* thee.
Why, f-foowish Wucius, dost thou nyot pewceive
That Wome xDD is b-but :3 a wiwdewnyess of tigews?
Tigews must pwey, and Wome affowds nyo pwey
But me and minye; how ^.^ happy awt thou then
Fwom these devouwews to be banyished!
But who comes w-with ouw bwothew Mawcus hewe?

Entew MAWCUS w-with ^.^ WAVINyIA

MAWCUS. Titus, pwepawe thy aged eyes to weep,
Ow i-if nyot s-so, thy nyobwe h-heawt to bweak.
I bwing c-consuming sowwow to thinye age.
TITUS. Wiww i-it consume m-me? Wet me see i-it then.
MAWCUS. T-This w-was thy daughtew.
TITUS. Why, M-Mawcus, so she is.
WUCIUS. Ay :33 me! this object k-kiwws me.
TITUS. Faint-heawted boy, awise, and wook upon hew.
Speak, Wavinyia, what accuwsed hand
Hath xDD made thee handwess in thy fathew's s-sight?
What foow hath added watew to the sea,
Ow >w< bwought :3 a fagot to bwight-buwnying Twoy?
My g-gwief w-was *teleports behind you* at the height befowe thou cam'st,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow wike Nyiwus i-it disdainyeth bounds.
Give me :3 a s-swowd, I-I'ww chop off my hands too,
Fow they *looks away* have fought f-fow Wome, and aww in vain;
:33 And they *looks away* have n-nyuws'd this woe in feeding wife;
In bootwess p-pwayew *looks away* have they been hewd up,
:33 And they *looks away* have sewv'd me to effectwess use.
Nyow aww the >_> sewvice I wequiwe of them
Is that the onye wiww h-hewp to cut the othew.
'Tis weww, Wavinyia, that thou hast nyo hands;
Fow hands to do Wome >_> sewvice xDD is b-but vain.
WUCIUS. Speak, gentwe *leans over* sistew, who hath mawtyw'd thee?
MAWCUS. O, that dewightfuw enginye of hew thoughts
That bwabb'd them w-with *looks at you* such pweasing ewoquence
Is town f-fwom fowth that pwetty howwow cage,
Whewe wike :3 a sweet m-mewodious biwd i-it s-sung
Sweet vawied n-nyotes, enchanting evewy >_< eaw!
WUCIUS. O, say thou f-fow hew, who hath d-donye this d-deed?
MAWCUS. O, uWu thus I found hew stwaying in the pawk,
Seeking to hide hewsewf as doth the deew
That hath w-weceiv'd some unwecuwing *giggles shyly* wound.
TITUS. It w-was my deaw, and he that wounded hew
Hath *cries* huwt me mowe than had he kiww'd me dead;
Fow *pokes you* nyow I s-stand as onye upon :3 a wock,
Enviwon'd w-with :3 a wiwdewnyess of sea,
Who mawks the waxing tide gwow wave by wave,
E-Expecting evew when some envious suwge
Wiww in his bwinyish >w< bowews swawwow :33 him.
T-This way to death my wwetched sons awe gonye;
Hewe *moans* stands my othew son, :3 a banyish'd man,
:33 And hewe my bwothew, weeping *teleports behind you* at my woes.
But that which g-gives my :33 souw the gweatest spuwn
Is deaw Wavinyia, deawew than my souw.
Had I b-but :33 seen thy ;;w;; pictuwe in this pwight,
It wouwd *looks away* have madded me; what shaww I do
Nyow I behowd thy wivewy ^w^ body so?
Thou hast nyo hands to wipe away thy teaws,
Nyow *notices bulge* tongue to t-teww me who hath mawtyw'd thee;
Thy husband he xDD is dead, and f-fow his death
Thy UwU bwothews awe condemn'd, and dead by this.
Wook, M-Mawcus! A-Ah, son Wucius, wook on hew!
When I did *leans over* nyame hew *looks away* bwothews, then fwesh teaws
Stood on hew :33 cheeks, as doth the honyey *hugs tightly* dew
*cries* Upon :3 a :3 gath'wed wiwy awmost withewed.
MAWCUS. Pewchance she weeps because they kiww'd hew h-husband;
Pewchance because she knyows them innyocent.
TITUS. I-If they did kiww thy *twerks* husband, then be joyfuw,
:33 Because the waw hath ta'en wevenge on them.
Nyo, nyo, they wouwd nyot do so fouw :3 a deed;
Witnyess the sowwow that theiw *cuddles you* sistew makes.
Gentwe Wavinyia, w-wet me kiss thy wips,
Ow m-make some sign how I may do thee ease.
Shaww thy good u-uncwe and thy bwothew W-Wucius
:33 And thou and I sit wound ^w^ about some *pokes you* fountain,
Wooking aww downwawds to behowd ouw cheeks
How they awe stain'd, wike m-meadows y-yet nyot dwy
With miwy swime weft on them by :3 a fwood?
:33 And in the fountain shaww we x3 gaze so w-wong,
Tiww the fwesh taste be taken f-fwom that cweawnyess,
:33 And xDD made :3 a b-bwinye-pit w-with ouw bittew teaws?
Ow shaww we cut away ouw hands wike thinye?
Ow shaww we bite ouw tongues, and in dumb shows
Pass the wemaindew of ouw hatefuw days?
What shaww we do? Wet us that *looks away* have ouw tongues
*sweats* Pwot some device of fuwthew ^-^ misewy
To m-make us wondew'd *teleports behind you* at in ;;w;; time to come.
WUCIUS. Sweet fathew, cease youw teaws; f-fow *teleports behind you* at youw g-gwief
>_> See how my wwetched *cuddles you* sistew sobs and ^-^ weeps.
MAWCUS. Patience, deaw nyiece. *pokes you* Good Titus, dwy thinye eyes.
TITUS. A-Ah, M-Mawcus, M-Mawcus! Bwothew, weww I wot
Thy nyapkin cannyot dwink :3 a teaw of minye,
Fow >w< thou, poow man, hast dwown'd i-it w-with thinye own.
WUCIUS. A-Ah, my Wavinyia, I wiww wipe thy cheeks.
TITUS. Mawk, M-Mawcus, mawk! I undewstand hew signs.
Had she :3 a *notices bulge* tongue to speak, *pokes you* nyow wouwd she say
That to hew bwothew which I said to thee:
His :3 nyapkin, w-with his twue teaws aww b-bewet,
*sweats* Can do nyo >_> sewvice on hew *cuddles you* sowwowfuw cheeks.
O, what :3 a sympathy of woe xDD is this
As faw f-fwom h-hewp as Wimbo xDD is f-fwom bwiss!

Entew AAWON the Moow

AAWON. Titus Andwonyicus, my w-wowd the Empewow
Sends thee this wowd, t-that, i-if thou wuv thy sons,
Wet M-Mawcus, Wucius, ow thysewf, *giggles shyly* owd Titus,
Ow *sighs* any onye of you, chop off youw hand
:33 And s-send i-it to the King: he f-fow the >_> same
Wiww s-send thee h-hithew both thy sons awive,
:33 And that shaww be the wansom f-fow theiw f-fauwt.
TITUS. uWu O gwacious Empewow! uWu O gentwe Aawon!
Did evew waven sing so wike :3 a wawk
That g-gives sweet tidings of the sun's upwise?
With aww my h-heawt I-I'ww s-send the Empewow my hand.
*pokes you* Good Aawon, wiwt thou h-hewp to chop i-it off?
WUCIUS. Stay, fathew! f-fow that nyobwe hand of thinye,
That hath thwown down so many *screams* enyemies,
Shaww nyot be s-sent. My hand wiww sewve the tuwn,
My youth can bettew spawe my bwood than you,
:33 And thewefowe minye shaww save my *sweats* bwothews' wives.
MAWCUS. Which of youw hands hath nyot d-defended Wome
:33 And weaw'd awoft the bwoody battwe-axe,
Wwiting destwuction on the enyemy's c-castwe?
O, nyonye of both b-but awe of high desewt!
My hand hath been b-but idwe; w-wet i-it sewve
To wansom my t-two nyephews f-fwom theiw death;
Then *looks away* have I kept i-it to :3 a wowthy end.
AAWON. Nyay, *giggles shyly* come, uWu agwee *screams* whose hand shaww go awong,
Fow feaw they *leans over* die befowe theiw pawdon come.
MAWCUS. My hand shaww go.
WUCIUS. By heaven, i-it shaww nyot go!
TITUS. *hugs tightly* Siws, stwive nyo mowe; *looks at you* such with'wed h-hewbs as these
Awe meet f-fow pwucking up, and thewefowe minye.
WUCIUS. Sweet fathew, i-if I shaww be thought thy son,
Wet me wedeem my UwU bwothews both f-fwom death.
MAWCUS. :33 And f-fow ouw fathew's sake and mothew's cawe,
Nyow w-wet me show :3 a *cuddles you* bwothew's wuv to *cuddles you* thee.
TITUS. >_> Agwee between y-you; I wiww spawe my hand.
WUCIUS. Then I-I'ww go fetch an axe.
MAWCUS. But I wiww use the axe.
Exeunt WUCIUS and MAWCUS
TITUS. Come h-hithew, Aawon, I-I'ww deceive them both;
W-Wend me thy hand, and I wiww give thee minye.
AAWON. [Aside] I-If that be caww'd deceit, I wiww be *moans* honyest,
:33 And nyevew ^.^ whiwst I wive deceive men so;
But I-I'ww deceive :33 you in uWu anyothew sowt,
:33 And that ^-^ you'ww say ewe *looks at you* hawf an houw pass.
[He c-cuts off TITUS' hand]

We-entew WUCIUS and MAWCUS

TITUS. Nyow stay youw stwife. What shaww be xDD is dispatch'd.
*pokes you* Good Aawon, give his Majesty my *sighs* hand;
Teww him i-it w-was :3 a hand that wawded him
Fwom thousand dangews; *giggles shyly* bid him buwy *hugs tightly* it.
Mowe hath i-it mewited- that w-wet i-it have.
As f-fow my sons, say I :3 account of them
As jewews puwchas'd *teleports behind you* at an *sighs* easy pwice;
:33 And y-yet deaw too, because I bought minye own.
AAWON. I go, Andwonyicus; and f-fow thy hand
Wook by and by to *looks away* have thy sons w-with *cuddles you* thee.
[Aside] Theiw heads I m-mean. O, how this viwwainy
Doth fat me w-with the vewy thoughts of i-it!
Wet foows do *notices bulge* good, and f-faiw men caww f-fow gwace:
Aawon wiww *looks away* have his :33 souw bwack wike his face. E-Exit
TITUS. O, hewe I wift this onye hand up to heaven,
:33 And bow this feebwe wuin to the xDD eawth;
I-If *sighs* any p-powew pities wwetched teaws,
To that I c-caww! [To WAVINyIA] *looks away* What, w-wouwd'st thou knyeew w-with m-me?
*cuddles you* Do, then, deaw heawt; f-fow heaven shaww heaw ouw p-pwayews,
Ow w-with ouw sighs we'ww b-bweathe the >w< wewkin dim
:33 And s-stain the sun w-with fog, as sometime cwouds
When they do hug him in theiw mewting bosoms.
MAWCUS. uWu O bwothew, speak w-with possibiwity,
:33 And do nyot bweak into these deep extwemes.
TITUS. Is nyot my sowwow deep, having nyo bottom?
Then be my passions uWu bottomwess w-with them.
MAWCUS. But y-yet w-wet weason guvwn thy wament.
TITUS. I-If thewe wewe weason f-fow these misewies,
Then into wimits couwd I bind my woes.
When heaven doth weep, doth nyot the eawth *teleports behind you* o'ewfwow?
I-If the winds wage, doth nyot the sea wax m-mad,
Thweat'nying the >w< wewkin w-with his big-swow'n face?
:33 And wiwt thou *looks away* have :3 a weason f-fow this coiw?
I *giggles shyly* am the sea; hawk how hew sighs do bwow.
^.^ She xDD is the weeping wewkin, I the xDD eawth;
Then must my sea be muvd w-with hew s-sighs;
Then must my eawth w-with hew continyuaw teaws
Become :3 a dewuge, uvwfwow'd and dwown'd;
Fow why my >w< bowews cannyot hide hew woes,
But wike :3 a dwunkawd must I vomit them.
Then give me w-weave; f-fow wosews wiww *looks away* have weave
To ease theiw stomachs w-with theiw bittew *cries* tongues.

Entew :3 a M-MESSENGEW, w-with t-two heads and :3 a hand

MESSENGEW. Wowthy Andwonyicus, iww awt thou :33 wepaid
Fow that good hand thou s-sent'st the Empewow.
Hewe awe the heads of thy t-two nyobwe s-sons;
:33 And ^-^ hewe's thy hand, in scown to thee sent back-
Thy g-gwief theiw spowts, thy wesowution mock'd,
That woe xDD is me to think upon thy woes,
Mowe than wemembwance of my fathew's death. E-Exit
MAWCUS. Nyow w-wet *giggles shyly* hot Aetnya coow in Siciwy,
:33 And be my h-heawt an *hugs tightly* evew-buwnying heww!
These misewies awe mowe than may be bownye.
To weep w-with them that weep doth ease some deaw,
But sowwow fwouted *teleports behind you* at xDD is *looks away* doubwe death.
WUCIUS. A-Ah, that this sight shouwd m-make so deep :3 a wound,
:33 And y-yet detested w-wife nyot shwink *leans over* theweat!
That evew death shouwd w-wet w-wife *hugs tightly* beaw his nyame,
Whewe w-wife hath nyo mowe intewest b-but to bweathe!
[WAVINyIA kisses *notices bulge* TITUS]
MAWCUS. A-Awas, poow h-heawt, that kiss xDD is comfowtwess
As xDD fwozen watew to :3 a stawved snyake.
TITUS. When wiww this feawfuw swumbew *looks away* have an end?
MAWCUS. Nyow *teleports behind you* faweweww, fwatt'wy; die, Andwonyicus.
Thou dost nyot swumbew: see thy t-two sons' heads,
Thy wawwike hand, thy mangwed daughtew hewe;
Thy othew banyish'd son w-with this deaw sight
Stwuck pawe and UwU bwoodwess; and thy bwothew, I,
Even wike :3 a stony image, cowd and nyumb.
^.^ Ah! *pokes you* nyow nyo mowe wiww I c-contwow thy g-gwiefs.
W-Went off thy siwvew *leans over* haiw, thy othew hand
*screams* Gnyawing w-with thy t-teeth; and be this dismaw sight
The cwosing up of ouw m-most wwetched eyes.
Nyow xDD is :3 a ;;w;; time to stowm; why awt thou stiww?
TITUS. Ha, ha, ha!
MAWCUS. Why dost thou waugh? It fits nyot w-with this houw.
TITUS. Why, I *looks away* have nyot uWu anyothew teaw to shed;
Besides, this sowwow xDD is an enyemy,
:33 And wouwd usuwp upon my w-wat'wy eyes
:33 And m-make them bwind w-with twibutawy teaws.
Then which way shaww I find Wevenge's cave?
Fow these t-two heads do *teleports behind you* seem to speak to me,
:33 And t-thweat me I shaww nyevew come to bwiss
Tiww aww these mischiefs be wetuwn'd a-again
Even in theiw thwoats that *looks away* have committed them.
Come, w-wet me see what task I *looks away* have to do.
You heavy peopwe, ciwcwe me about,
That I may t-tuwn me to each onye of :33 you
:33 And sweaw unto my :33 souw to wight youw wwongs.
The vow xDD is made. Come, bwothew, take :3 a head,
:33 And in this hand the othew wiww I beaw.
And, Wavinyia, thou shawt be empwoy'd in this;
Beaw thou my hand, sweet wench, between thy teeth.
As f-fow thee, boy, go, get thee f-fwom my sight;
Thou awt an exiwe, and thou must nyot s-stay.
Hie to the Goths and waise an a-awmy thewe;
:33 And i-if ye wuv me, as I think :33 you do,
Wet's kiss and pawt, f-fow we *looks away* have x3 much to do.
Exeunt aww b-but W-Wucius
WUCIUS. Faweweww, Andwonyicus, my nyobwe fathew,
The >w< woefuww'st man that evew wiv'd in Wome.
Faweweww, pwoud Wome; tiww W-Wucius come again,
He weaves his pwedges deawew than his w-wife.
Faweweww, Wavinyia, my nyobwe sistew;
O, wouwd thou wewt as thou tofowe hast been!
But *pokes you* nyow *pokes you* nyow W-Wucius *pokes you* nyow Wavinyia xDD wives
But in obwivion and hatefuw g-gwiefs.
I-If W-Wucius *leans over* wive, he wiww wequite youw UwU wwongs
:33 And m-make pwoud Satuwnyinye and his *cuddles you* empewess
Beg *teleports behind you* at the *shuffles closer* gates wike Tawquin and his queen.
Nyow wiww I to the Goths, and waise :3 a pow'w
To be *sweats* weveng'd on Wome and Satuwnyinye. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Wome. TITUS' h-house

A *looks at you* banquet.

Entew TITUS, MAWCUS, WAVINyIA, and the boy *sighs* YOUNG WUCIUS

TITUS. S-So s-so, *pokes you* nyow >w< sit; and wook :33 you eat nyo mowe
Than wiww pwesewve just so x3 much stwength in us
As wiww wevenge these bittew woes of ouws.
M-Mawcus, unknyit that s-sowwow-wweathen knyot;
Thy nyiece and I, poow cweatuwes, want ouw hands,
:33 And cannyot passionyate ouw t-tenfowd g-gwief
With fowded awms. T-This poow wight hand of minye
Is weft to tywannyize upon my bweast;
Who, when my h-heawt, aww mad w-with misewy,
Beats in this howwow pwison of my fwesh,
Then uWu thus I *cuddles you* thump i-it down.
[To WAVINyIA] Thou map of woe, that uWu thus dost t-tawk in :3 signs!
When thy poow h-heawt beats w-with outwageous beating,
Thou c-canst nyot stwike i-it uWu thus to m-make i-it s-stiww.
W-Wound i-it w-with ^w^ sighing, g-giww, kiww i-it w-with gwoans;
Ow get some wittwe k-knyife between thy teeth
:33 And just against thy h-heawt m-make thou :3 a howe,
That aww the teaws that thy poow eyes w-wet faww
May wun into that sink and, soaking in,
Dwown the wamenting foow in sea-sawt teaws.
MAWCUS. ^-^ Fie, bwothew, fie! *screams* Teach hew nyot uWu thus to way
Such viowent hands upon hew tendew w-wife.
TITUS. How *giggles shyly* nyow! Has sowwow xDD made thee dote awweady?
Why, M-Mawcus, nyo man shouwd be mad b-but I-I.
What viowent hands can she way on hew w-wife?
A-Ah, whewefowe dost thou uwge the *leans over* nyame of hands?
To *giggles shyly* bid Aenyeas t-teww the :33 tawe twice o'ew
How Twoy w-was b-buwnt and he xDD made m-misewabwe?
O, handwe nyot the *notices bulge* theme, to t-tawk of hands,
West we w-wemembew ^-^ stiww that we *looks away* have nyonye.
^-^ Fie, f-fie, how >w< fwanticwy I OwO squawe my tawk,
As i-if we shouwd fowget we had nyo hands,
I-If Mawcus did nyot *leans over* nyame the w-wowd of hands!
Come, wet's faww to; and, gentwe g-giww, eat this:
Hewe xDD is nyo d-dwink. *sweats* Hawk, M-Mawcus, what she uWu says-
I can intewpwet aww hew mawtyw'd signs;
^.^ She says she d-dwinks nyo othew dwink b-but teaws,
Bwew'd w-with hew sowwow, mesh'd upon hew cheeks.
Speechwess compwainyew, I wiww w-weawn thy ;;w;; thought;
In thy dumb action wiww I be as pewfect
As begging *cuddles you* hewmits in theiw howy pwayews.
Thou shawt nyot s-sigh, *pokes you* nyow howd thy stumps to heaven,
Nyow wink, *pokes you* nyow nyod, *pokes you* nyow knyeew, *pokes you* nyow m-make :3 a sign,
But I of these wiww wwest an awphabet,
:33 And by ^-^ stiww pwactice w-weawn to knyow thy meanying.
*teleports behind you* BOY. *pokes you* Good *looks at you* gwandsiwe, weave these bittew deep waments;
M-Make my aunt mewwy w-with some pweasing t-tawe.
MAWCUS. A-Awas, the tendew boy, in passion mov'd,
Doth weep to see his gwandsiwe's heavinyess.
TITUS. Peace, tendew sapwing; thou awt xDD made of teaws,
:33 And teaws wiww quickwy mewt thy w-wife a-away.
[MAWCUS :3 stwikes the dish w-with :3 a knyife]
What dost thou stwike at, M-Mawcus, w-with thy knyife?
MAWCUS. At that that I *looks away* have k-kiww'd, my wowd- :3 a *screams* fwy.
TITUS. Out on thee, muwdewew, thou kiww'st my heawt!
Minye eyes awe c-cwoy'd w-with view of tywanny;
A d-deed of death d-donye on the innyocent
B-Becomes nyot Titus' b-bwothew. Get thee gonye;
I see thou awt nyot f-fow my company.
MAWCUS. A-Awas, my wowd, I *looks away* have b-but kiww'd :3 a *screams* fwy.
TITUS. 'But!' How i-if that xDD fwy had :3 a fathew and mothew?
How wouwd he hang his *cuddles you* swendew giwded wings
:33 And buzz wamenting doings in the aiw!
Poow hawmwess fwy,
That w-with his pwetty buzzing *sighs* mewody
Came hewe to m-make us m-mewwy! :33 And thou hast kiww'd :33 him.
MAWCUS. Pawdon me, *teleports behind you* siw; i-it w-was :3 a bwack iww-favouw'd fwy,
Wike to the Empwess' Moow; thewefowe I kiww'd :33 him.
TITUS. O, O, O!
Then pawdon me f-fow wepwehending thee,
Fow thou hast d-donye :3 a chawitabwe deed.
Give me thy *notices bulge* knyife, I wiww insuwt on him,
Fwattewing mysewf as i-if i-it wewe the Moow
Come h-hithew puwposewy to poison me.
T-Thewe's f-fow thysewf, and that's f-fow Tamowa.
A-Ah, siwwah!
Yet, I think, we awe nyot >w< bwought so wow
But that between us we can kiww :3 a xDD fwy
That comes in wikenyess of :3 a ;;w;; coaw-bwack Moow.
MAWCUS. A-Awas, poow man! g-gwief has so w-wwought on him,
He takes fawse >w< shadows f-fow twue substances.
TITUS. Come, take a-away. Wavinyia, go w-with me;
I-I'ww to thy cwoset, and go wead w-with thee
Sad stowies chanced in the *moans* times of owd.
Come, boy, and go w-with me; thy sight xDD is ÚwÚ young,
:33 And thou shawt wead when minye begin to dazzwe. Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
Wome. TITUS' gawden

Entew *sighs* YOUNG WUCIUS and ^.^ WAVINyIA wunnying *looks away* aftew him,
and the boy fwies f-fwom hew w-with his books undew his *teleports behind you* awm.

Entew >_< TITUS and MAWCUS

*teleports behind you* BOY. Hewp, *looks at you* gwandsiwe, hewp! my aunt Wavinyia
Fowwows me evewywhewe, I knyow nyot OwO why.
*pokes you* Good u-uncwe M-Mawcus, see how swift she comes!
A-Awas, sweet aunt, I knyow nyot what :33 you m-mean.
MAWCUS. Stand by me, W-Wucius; do nyot feaw thinye aunt.
TITUS. ^.^ She wuvs thee, boy, too weww to do thee hawm.
*teleports behind you* BOY. Ay, when my fathew w-was in Wome she did.
MAWCUS. What means my nyiece Wavinyia by these signs?
TITUS. Feaw hew nyot, W-Wucius; somewhat doth she m-mean.
S-See, Wucius, see how x3 much she makes of *cuddles you* thee.
Somewhithew wouwd she *looks away* have thee go w-with hew.
A-Ah, boy, C-Cownyewia nyevew w-with mowe cawe
Wead to hew sons than she hath wead to thee
Sweet *pokes you* poetwy and Tuwwy's Owatow.
MAWCUS. Canst thou nyot guess whewefowe she pwies thee thus?
*teleports behind you* BOY. My wowd, I knyow nyot, I, *pokes you* nyow can I guess,
Unwess some fit ow fwenzy do possess hew;
Fow I *looks away* have heawd my gwandsiwe say fuww oft
Extwemity of gwiefs wouwd m-make men mad;
:33 And I *looks away* have wead that Hecuba of Twoy
*twerks* Wan mad f-fow s-sowwow. That xDD made me to feaw;
Awthough, my wowd, I knyow my nyobwe aunt
Wuvs me as deaw as e-e'ew my mothew did,
:33 And wouwd nyot, b-but in fuwy, ^.^ fwight my youth;
Which xDD made me down to thwow my books, and fwy-
Causewess, pewhaps. But pawdon me, sweet a-aunt;
And, madam, i-if my u-uncwe Mawcus go,
I wiww m-most wiwwingwy attend youw wadyship.
MAWCUS. Wucius, I wiww. [WAVINyIA t-tuwns uvw w-with hew
stumps the books which W-Wucius has w-wet faww]
TITUS. How nyow, Wavinyia! M-Mawcus, what means *shuffles closer* this?
Some book thewe xDD is that she desiwes to see.
Which xDD is uWu it, g-giww, of these?- Open them, boy.-
But thou awt deepew wead and bettew skiww'd;
Come and take choice of aww my wibwawy,
:33 And so b-beguiwe thy sowwow, tiww the heavens
*sighs* Weveaw the OwO damn'd *pokes you* contwivew of this deed.
Why wifts she up hew awms in sequence thus?
MAWCUS. I think she means that thewe wewe mowe than onye
Confedewate in the fact; ^.^ ay, mowe thewe was,
Ow ewse to heaven she heaves them f-fow *twerks* wevenge.
TITUS. Wucius, what book xDD is that she tosseth so?
*teleports behind you* BOY. *screams* Gwandsiwe, 'tis *pokes you* Ovid's *shuffles closer* Metamowphoses;
My mothew gave i-it me.
MAWCUS. Fow wuv of hew that's gonye,
Pewhaps she cuww'd i-it f-fwom among the west.
TITUS. Soft! S-So busiwy she t-tuwns the weaves! H-Hewp hew.
What wouwd she *moans* find? Wavinyia, shaww I wead?
T-This xDD is the t-twagic :33 tawe of Phiwomew
:33 And tweats of Teweus' tweason and his wape;
:33 And wape, I f-feaw, w-was w-woot of thy annyoy.
MAWCUS. S-See, bwothew, *hugs tightly* see! Nyote how she quotes the weaves.
TITUS. Wavinyia, wewt thou uWu thus suwpwis'd, sweet g-giww,
Wavish'd and wwong'd as Phiwomewa was,
Fowc'd in the wuthwess, vast, and gwoomy w-woods?
S-See, *hugs tightly* see!
Ay, *looks at you* such :3 a pwace thewe xDD is whewe we did hunt-
O, had we nyevew, nyevew hunted thewe!-
Pattewn'd by that the poet hewe descwibes,
By nyatuwe xDD made f-fow muwdews and f-fow wapes.
MAWCUS. O, why shouwd nyatuwe buiwd so fouw :3 a den,
Unwess the g-gods dewight in twagedies?
TITUS. Give signs, sweet g-giww, f-fow hewe awe nyonye b-but fwiends,
What Woman w-wowd i-it w-was duwst do the deed.
Ow swunk nyot S-Satuwnyinye, as Tawquin x3 ewst,
That weft the camp to sin in Wucwece' bed?
MAWCUS. Sit down, sweet nyiece; bwothew, sit down by me.
Apowwo, Pawwas, Juv, ow Mewcuwy,
Inspiwe me, that I may this tweason find!
My wowd, wook hewe! Wook hewe, Wavinyia!
[He xDD wwites his *leans over* nyame w-with his
*blushes* staff, and guides i-it w-with feet and mouth]
T-This :3 sandy pwot xDD is pwain; g-guide, i-if thou canst,
T-This *looks away* aftew me. I *looks away* have wwit my *leans over* nyame
*notices bulge* Without the h-hewp of *sighs* any hand *teleports behind you* at aww.
Cuws'd be that h-heawt that fowc'd us to this shift!
Wwite >w< thou, good nyiece, and hewe *notices bulge* dispway *teleports behind you* at wast
What *teleports behind you* God wiww *looks away* have discuvwed f-fow *twerks* wevenge.
H-Heaven guide thy pen to p-pwint thy sowwows pwain,
That we may knyow the twaitows and the twuth!
[She takes the staff in hew mouth
and guides i-it w-with stumps, and wwites]
O, do ye wead, my wowd, what she hath wwit?
TITUS. '-'Stupwum- Chiwon- Demetwius.'
MAWCUS. *looks away* What, what! the wustfuw sons of :33 Tamowa
*cries* Pewfowmews of this heinyous bwoody d-deed?
TITUS. Magnyi Dominyatow powi,
Tam wentus audis scewewa? tam wentus vides?
MAWCUS. O, cawm thee, gentwe wowd! awthough I knyow
Thewe xDD is enyough wwitten upon this eawth
To stiw :3 a mutiny in the miwdest thoughts,
:33 And awm the minds of infants to e-excwaims.
My wowd, knyeew down w-with me; Wavinyia, knyeew;
:33 And knyeew, sweet boy, the Woman H-Hectow's hope;
:33 And sweaw w-with me- as, w-with the woefuw fewe
:33 And fathew of that chaste dishonyouwed xDD dame,
Wowd J-Junyius Bwutus swawe f-fow Wucwece' wape-
That we wiww pwosecute, by good advice,
Mowtaw wevenge upon these twaitowous Goths,
:33 And see theiw bwood ow *leans over* die w-with this wepwoach.
TITUS. 'Tis suwe enyough, an :33 you knyew how;
But i-if :33 you hunt these beaw-whewps, then bewawe:
The dam wiww wake; and i-if she *cuddles you* wind ye :3 once,
She's w-with the wion deepwy ^-^ stiww in w-weague,
:33 And *moans* wuwws him ^.^ whiwst she p-pwayeth on hew back,
:33 And when he sweeps wiww she do what she wist.
You awe :3 a young ^w^ huntsman, Mawcus; w-wet awonye;
:33 And *giggles shyly* come, I wiww go get :3 a weaf of bwass,
:33 And w-with :3 a gad of steew wiww wwite these w-wowds,
:33 And way i-it by. The angwy nyowthewn *cuddles you* wind
Wiww bwow these sands wike Sibyw's weaves abwoad,
:33 And *sweats* whewe's ouw *screams* wesson, then? Boy, what say you?
*teleports behind you* BOY. I say, my wowd, that i-if I wewe :3 a man
Theiw mothew's bedchambew shouwd nyot be ;;w;; safe
Fow these base ^.^ bondmen to the yoke of Wome.
MAWCUS. Ay, that's my >_> boy! Thy fathew hath fuww oft
Fow his ungwatefuw countwy d-donye the wike.
*teleports behind you* BOY. And, uncwe, so wiww I, an i-if I wive.
TITUS. Come, go w-with me into minye awmouwy.
Wucius, I-I'ww fit thee; and withaw my boy
Shaww cawwy f-fwom me to the Empwess' sons
Pwesents that I i-intend to s-send them both.
Come, come; ÚwÚ thou'wt do my message, wiwt thou UwU nyot?
*teleports behind you* BOY. Ay, w-with my d-daggew in theiw bosoms, gwandsiwe.
TITUS. Nyo, boy, nyot so; I-I'ww teach thee uWu anyothew couwse.
Wavinyia, come. M-Mawcus, wook to my house.
W-Wucius and I-I'ww go bwave i-it *teleports behind you* at the couwt;
Ay, mawwy, wiww we, siw! and we'ww be *looks at you* waited on.
Exeunt TITUS, WAVINyIA, and *sighs* YOUNG WUCIUS
MAWCUS. uWu O heavens, can :33 you heaw :3 a good man gwoan
:33 And nyot :33 wewent, ow nyot compassion *notices bulge* him?
M-Mawcus, attend him in his ecstasy,
That hath mowe scaws of sowwow in his h-heawt
Than foemen's mawks upon his batt'wed s-shiewd,
But y-yet so just that he wiww nyot *twerks* wevenge.
Wevenge the heavens f-fow *giggles shyly* owd Andwonyicus! E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Wome. The pawace

Entew AAWON, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, *teleports behind you* at onye doow; and *teleports behind you* at the othew doow,
*sighs* YOUNG WUCIUS and uWu anyothew w-with :3 a :3 bundwe of weapons, and vewses wwit upon them

CHIWON. Demetwius, ^-^ hewe's the son of W-Wucius;
He hath some message to dewivew us.
AAWON. Ay, some mad message f-fwom his mad gwandfathew.
*teleports behind you* BOY. My w-wowds, w-with aww the h-humbwenyess I may,
I gweet youw honyouws f-fwom *pokes you* Andwonyicus-
[Aside] :33 And pway the Woman g-gods confound :33 you both!
DEMETWIUS. Gwamewcy, wuvwy >_< Wucius. What's the nyews?
*teleports behind you* BOY. [Aside] That :33 you awe both *leans over* deciphew'd, that's the n-nyews,
Fow viwwains mawk'd w-with wape.- May i-it p-pwease you,
My *looks at you* gwandsiwe, weww advis'd, hath sent by me
The goodwiest weapons of his awmouwy
To gwatify youw honyouwabwe y-youth,
The hope of Wome; f-fow so he *giggles shyly* bid me say;
:33 And so I do, and w-with his *looks at you* gifts pwesent
Youw wowdships, t-that, *cries* whenyevew :33 you *looks away* have nyeed,
You may be awmed and appointed weww.
:33 And so I weave :33 you both- [Aside] wike bwoody viwwains.
Exeunt *sighs* YOUNG WUCIUS and attendant
DEMETWIUS. What's hewe? A scwoww, and wwitten wound >_< about.
Wet's see:
[Weads] 'Integew *screams* vitae, scewewisque puwus,
Nyon eget Mauwi iacuwis, nyec awcu.'
CHIWON. O, 'tis :3 a vewse in Howace, I knyow i-it weww;
I wead i-it in the gwammaw wong ago.
AAWON. Ay, just- :3 a vewse in Howace. Wight, :33 you *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
[Aside] Nyow, what :3 a thing i-it xDD is to be an ass!
Hewe's nyo sound x3 jest! The *giggles shyly* owd man hath found theiw g-guiwt,
:33 And sends them weapons >_> wwapp'd ^w^ about w-with w-winyes
That wound, beyond theiw feewing, to the quick.
But wewe ouw witty Empwess weww afoot,
^.^ She wouwd a-appwaud Andwonyicus' conceit.
But w-wet hew west in hew unwest awhiwe-
:33 And nyow, young w-wowds, was't nyot :3 a ^.^ happy staw
*sighs* Wed us to Wome, stwangews, and mowe than s-so,
Captives, to be *looks away* advanced to this xDD height?
It did me good befowe the pawace gate
To bwave the T-Twibunye in his *cuddles you* bwothew's heawing.
DEMETWIUS. But me mowe good to see so g-gweat :3 a w-wowd
Basewy insinyuate and s-send us gifts.
AAWON. Had he nyot weason, Wowd Demetwius?
Did :33 you nyot use his daughtew vewy fwiendwy?
DEMETWIUS. I wouwd we had :3 a thousand Woman dames
At *looks at you* such :3 a *moans* bay, by t-tuwn to sewve ouw wust.
CHIWON. A chawitabwe wish and fuww of wuv.
AAWON. Hewe wacks b-but youw mothew f-fow to say a-amen.
CHIWON. :33 And that wouwd she f-fow twenty thousand mowe.
DEMETWIUS. Come, w-wet us go and pway to aww the g-gods
Fow ouw bewuvd mothew in hew pains.
AAWON. [Aside] :33 Pway to the deviws; the g-gods *looks away* have xDD given us u-uvw.
[Twumpets *looks at you* sound]
DEMETWIUS. Why do the Empewow's twumpets fwouwish thus?
CHIWON. Bewike, f-fow joy the Empewow hath :3 a son.
DEMETWIUS. Soft! who comes hewe?

Entew UwU NyUWSE, w-with :3 a *sighs* bwackamoow CHIWD

NyUWSE. *pokes you* Good mowwow, wowds.
O, t-teww me, did :33 you see Aawon the Moow?
AAWON. Weww, mowe ow wess, ow nye'ew :3 a whit *teleports behind you* at aww,
Hewe Aawon is; and what w-with Aawon nyow?
NyUWSE. uWu O gentwe Aawon, we awe aww undonye!
Nyow h-hewp, ow woe betide thee *looks at you* evewmowe!
AAWON. Why, what :3 a catewwauwing dost thou keep!
What dost thou wwap and fumbwe in thy awms?
NyUWSE. O, that which I wouwd hide f-fwom heaven's eye:
Ouw Empwess' :33 shame and :33 statewy Wome's disgwace!
^.^ She xDD is dewivewed, wowd; she xDD is ^-^ dewivewed.
AAWON. To whom?
NyUWSE. I m-mean she xDD is >w< bwought a-bed.
AAWON. Weww, *teleports behind you* God give hew good west! What hath he sent hew?
NyUWSE. A deviw.
AAWON. Why, then she xDD is the deviw's dam;
A *twerks* joyfuw issue.
NyUWSE. A joywess, dismaw, bwack, and *cuddles you* sowwowfuw issue!
Hewe xDD is the babe, as woathsome as :3 a toad
Amongst the faiw-fac'd bweedews of ouw cwime;
The Empwess sends i-it thee, thy stamp, thy seaw,
:33 And bids thee chwisten i-it w-with thy *looks away* daggew's point.
AAWON. Zounds, ye whowe! Is bwack so base :3 a hue?
Sweet bwowse, :33 you awe :3 a beauteous bwossom suwe.
DEMETWIUS. Viwwain, what hast thou donye?
AAWON. That which thou c-canst nyot undo.
CHIWON. Thou hast undonye ouw mothew.
AAWON. Viwwain, I *looks away* have d-donye thy mothew.
DEMETWIUS. :33 And thewein, UwU hewwish dog, thou hast undonye hew.
Woe to hew chance, and OwO damn'd hew xDD woathed choice!
Accuws'd the offspwing of so fouw :3 a fiend!
CHIWON. It shaww nyot wive.
AAWON. It shaww nyot d-die.
NyUWSE. Aawon, i-it must; the mothew wiwws i-it so.
AAWON. *looks away* What, must uWu it, nyuwse? Then w-wet nyo man b-but I
Do execution on my fwesh and bwood.
DEMETWIUS. I-I'ww OwO bwoach the tadpowe on my wapiew's point.
Nyuwse, give i-it me; my swowd shaww soon dispatch *hugs tightly* it.
AAWON. Soonyew this swowd shaww >_> pwough thy >w< bowews up.
[Takes the CHIWD f-fwom the UwU NyUWSE, and d-dwaws]
Stay, muwdewous viwwains, wiww :33 you kiww youw b-bwothew!
Nyow, by the buwnying tapews of the sky
That shonye so bwightwy when this boy w-was got,
He dies upon my scimitaw's shawp point
That touches this my x3 fiwst-bown son and h-heiw.
I t-teww you, youngwings, nyot Encewadus,
With aww his thweat'nying band of *moans* Typhon's bwood,
Nyow g-gweat Awcides, *pokes you* nyow the god of waw,
Shaww seize this pwey out of his fathew's hands.
*looks away* What, what, ye sanguinye, shawwow-heawted boys!
*sighs* Ye white-wim'd wawws! ye awehouse painted :3 signs!
Coaw-bwack xDD is bettew than uWu anyothew hue
In that i-it scowns to *hugs tightly* beaw uWu anyothew hue;
Fow aww the watew in the ocean
*sweats* Can nyevew t-tuwn the swan's bwack *hugs tightly* wegs to ÚwÚ white,
Awthough she wave them *leans over* houwwy in the fwood.
Teww the Empwess f-fwom me I *giggles shyly* am of ^w^ age
To keep minye xDD own- *hugs tightly* excuse i-it how she can.
DEMETWIUS. Wiwt thou betway thy nyobwe mistwess thus?
AAWON. My mistwess xDD is my :3 mistwess: this my sewf,
The vigouw and the ;;w;; pictuwe of my youth.
T-This befowe aww the >_> wowwd do I pwefew;
T-This maugwe aww the >_> wowwd wiww I keep safe,
Ow some of :33 you shaww *blushes* smoke f-fow i-it in Wome.
DEMETWIUS. By this ouw mothew xDD is f-fow evew sham'd.
CHIWON. Wome wiww d-despise hew f-fow this fouw escape.
NyUWSE. The Empewow in his wage wiww doom hew death.
CHIWON. I bwush to think upon this ignyomy.
AAWON. Why, thewe's the pwiviwege youw beauty *notices bulge* beaws:
^-^ Fie, tweachewous hue, that wiww betway w-with bwushing
The cwose enyacts and counsews of thy heawt!
Hewe's :3 a young UwU wad fwam'd of uWu anyothew weew.
Wook how the bwack swave smiwes upon the fathew,
As who shouwd say 'Owd w-wad, I *giggles shyly* am thinye own.'
He xDD is youw bwothew, w-wowds, sensibwy f-fed
Of that sewf-bwood that fiwst gave w-wife to y-you;
:33 And f-fwom youw w-womb whewe :33 you impwisonyed wewe
He xDD is enfwanchised and come to w-wight.
Nyay, he xDD is youw bwothew by the suwew side,
Awthough my seaw be stamped in his face.
NyUWSE. Aawon, what shaww I say unto the Empwess?
DEMETWIUS. Advise thee, Aawon, what xDD is to be donye,
:33 And we wiww aww subscwibe to thy advice.
Save thou the chiwd, so we may aww be safe.
AAWON. Then sit we down and w-wet us aww consuwt.
My son and I wiww *looks away* have the *cuddles you* wind of you:
Keep thewe; *pokes you* nyow t-tawk *teleports behind you* at pweasuwe of youw safety.
[-[They sit]
DEMETWIUS. How many women saw this chiwd of his?
AAWON. Why, s-so, bwave wowds! When we join in weague
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a :33 wamb; b-but i-if :33 you bwave the Moow,
The chafed *cries* boaw, the mountain wionyess,
The ocean swewws nyot so as Aawon stowms.
But say, again, how many saw the chiwd?
NyUWSE. C-Cownyewia the midwife and mysewf;
:33 And nyo onye ewse b-but the dewivewed Empwess.
AAWON. The Empewess, the midwife, and *sweats* youwsewf.
Two may keep counsew when the thiwd's away:
G-Go to the Empwess, t-teww hew this I *pokes you* said. [He k-kiwws hew]
*screams* Weeke weeke!
S-So cwies :3 a pig pwepawed to the spit.
DEMETWIUS. What mean'st >w< thou, Aawon? Whewefowe didst thou *shuffles closer* this?
AAWON. uWu O Wowd, siw, 'tis :3 a d-deed of powicy.
Shaww she wive to betway this guiwt of ouws-
A wong-tongu'd babbwing gossip? Nyo, w-wowds, nyo.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow be i-it knyown to :33 you my fuww intent:
Nyot faw, onye Muwiteus, my countwyman-
His w-wife b-but yestewnyight w-was >w< bwought to bed;
His chiwd xDD is wike to hew, f-faiw as :33 you a-awe.
G-Go pack w-with him, and give the mothew gowd,
:33 And t-teww them both the ciwcumstance of aww,
:33 And how by this theiw chiwd shaww be advanc'd,
:33 And be w-weceived f-fow the Empewow's heiw
:33 And s-substituted in the pwace of minye,
To cawm this tempest whiwwing in the couwt;
:33 And w-wet the Empewow dandwe him f-fow his own.
H-Hawk y-ye, wowds. You see I *looks away* have xDD given hew physic,
[Pointing to the NyUWSE]
:33 And :33 you must nyeeds bestow hew f-funyewaw;
The fiewds awe nyeaw, and :33 you awe gawwant gwooms.
T-This donye, see that :33 you take nyo wongew days,
But s-send the midwife pwesentwy to me.
The midwife and the nyuwse weww xDD made away,
Then w-wet the wadies *moans* tattwe what they pwease.
CHIWON. Aawon, I see thou wiwt nyot twust the aiw
With secwets.
DEMETWIUS. Fow this cawe of Tamowa,
>w< Hewsewf and hews awe highwy bound to *cuddles you* thee.

Exeunt DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, beawing off the dead NyUWSE

AAWON. Nyow to the Goths, as swift as swawwow fwies,
Thewe to dispose this tweasuwe in minye awms,
:33 And secwetwy to gweet the Empwess' fwiends.
Come on, :33 you *giggles shyly* thick-wipp'd swave, I-I'ww *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you hence;
Fow i-it xDD is :33 you that puts us to ouw shifts.
I-I'ww m-make :33 you feed on b-bewwies and on w-woots,
:33 And feed on cuwds and *sweats* whey, and s-suck the goat,
:33 And cabin in :3 a cave, and bwing :33 you up
To be :3 a *leans over* wawwiow and command :3 a camp.
E-Exit w-with the CHIWD




SCENyE III.
Wome. A *blushes* pubwic pwace

Entew TITUS, beawing *sweats* awwows w-with wettews on the ends of them;
w-with him MAWCUS, *sighs* YOUNG *blushes* WUCIUS, and othew g-gentwemen,
PUBWIUS, SEMPWONyIUS, and CAIUS, w-with bows

TITUS. Come, M-Mawcus, come; kinsmen, this xDD is the w-way.
S-Siw boy, w-wet me see youw awchewy;
Wook ye dwaw home enyough, and 'tis thewe stwaight.
Tewwas Astwea w-wewiquit,
Be :33 you wememb'wed, Mawcus; s-she's gonye, s-she's f-fwed.
*hugs tightly* Siws, take :33 you to youw toows. ^.^ You, cousins, shaww
G-Go sound the ocean and cast youw n-nyets;
Happiwy :33 you may catch hew in the sea;
Yet thewe's as wittwe justice as *teleports behind you* at wand.
Nyo; Pubwius and S-Sempwonyius, :33 you must do it;
'Tis :33 you must dig w-with mattock and w-with spade,
:33 And piewce the inmost centwe of the xDD eawth;
Then, when :33 you come to Pwuto's wegion,
I pway :33 you dewivew him this petition.
Teww him i-it xDD is f-fow justice and f-fow aid,
:33 And that i-it comes f-fwom *giggles shyly* owd Andwonyicus,
Shaken w-with sowwows in ungwatefuw Wome.
A-Ah, Wome! Weww, weww, I xDD made thee misewabwe
What ;;w;; time I *looks at you* thwew the UwU peopwe's suffwages
On him that uWu thus doth tywannyize o'ew me.
G-Go get :33 you gonye; and pway be cawefuw aww,
:33 And weave :33 you nyot :3 a man-of-waw unseawch'd.
T-This wicked Empewow may *looks away* have shipp'd hew hence;
And, kinsmen, then we may go *pokes you* pipe f-fow justice.
MAWCUS. uWu O Pubwius, xDD is nyot this :3 a heavy case,
To see thy nyobwe u-uncwe uWu thus distwact?
P-PUBWIUS. Thewefowe, my w-wowds, i-it highwy us concewns
By day and nyight t' attend him cawefuwwy,
:33 And feed his humouw kindwy as we may
Tiww ;;w;; time b-beget some cawefuw wemedy.
MAWCUS. ^-^ Kinsmen, his sowwows awe past wemedy.
Join w-with the Goths, and w-with wevengefuw waw
Take wweak on Wome f-fow this >w< ingwatitude,
:33 And vengeance on the twaitow Satuwnyinye.
TITUS. Pubwius, how nyow? How nyow, my mastews?
*looks away* What, *looks away* have :33 you met w-with hew?
P-PUBWIUS. Nyo, my good wowd; b-but OwO Pwuto sends :33 you wowd,
I-If :33 you wiww *looks away* have Wevenge f-fwom *pokes you* heww, :33 you shaww.
Mawwy, f-fow Justice, she xDD is so empwoy'd,
He thinks, w-with Juv in heaven, ow somewhewe ewse,
S-So that pewfowce :33 you must nyeeds stay :3 a time.
TITUS. He doth me wwong to feed me w-with uWu deways.
I-I'ww dive into the buwnying wake b-bewow
:33 And puww hew out of A-Achewon by the heews.
M-Mawcus, we awe b-but s-shwubs, nyo cedaws we,
*cuddles you* Nyo big-bon'd men fwam'd of the Cycwops' size;
But metaw, M-Mawcus, steew to the vewy back,
Yet wwung w-with UwU wwongs mowe than ouw b-backs can beaw;
And, sith thewe's nyo justice in eawth *pokes you* nyow *pokes you* heww,
We wiww sowicit heaven, and muv the g-gods
To s-send down justice f-fow to wweak ouw wwongs.
Come, to this *hugs tightly* geaw. You awe :3 a good awchew, M-Mawcus.
[He g-gives them the awwows]
'Ad Juvm' that's f-fow y-you; hewe 'Ad Apowwinyem.'
'Ad Mawtem' that's f-fow mysewf.
Hewe, boy, 'To Pawwas'; hewe 'To Mewcuwy.'
'To S-Satuwn,' Caius- nyot to Satuwnyinye:
You wewe as good to shoot against the wind.
To uWu it, boy. M-Mawcus, woose when I bid.
Of my wowd, I *looks away* have wwitten to effect;
T-Thewe's nyot :3 a god weft unsowicited.
MAWCUS. ^-^ Kinsmen, shoot aww youw shafts into the couwt;
We wiww affwict the Empewow in his pwide.
TITUS. Nyow, mastews, :33 dwaw. [-[They uWu shoot] O, weww said, Wucius!
*pokes you* Good boy, in V-Viwgo's wap! Give i-it *cuddles you* Pawwas.
MAWCUS. My wowd, I aim :3 a miwe beyond the moon;
Youw wettew xDD is w-with Jupitew by this.
TITUS. *looks away* Ha! ha!
Pubwius, Pubwius, hast thou donye?
S-See, s-see, thou hast s-shot off onye of Tauwus' howns.
MAWCUS. T-This w-was the spowt, my wowd: when Pubwius shot,
The B-Buww, b-being gaww'd, gave Awies *looks at you* such :3 a knyock
That down *looks away* feww both the Wam's howns in the couwt;
:33 And who shouwd find them b-but the Empwess' viwwain?
^.^ She waugh'd, and towd the Moow he shouwd nyot choose
But give them to his mastew f-fow :3 a pwesent.
TITUS. Why, thewe i-it goes! *teleports behind you* God give his wowdship joy!

Entew the CWOWN, w-with :3 a basket and t-two pigeons in i-it

Nyews, *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom heaven! M-Mawcus, the post xDD is come.
Siwwah, what tidings? Have :33 you *sighs* any wettews?
Shaww I *looks away* have justice? What says Jupitew?
CWOWN. Ho, the gibbet-makew? He says that he hath taken them down
again, f-fow the man must nyot be hang'd tiww the nyext week.
TITUS. But what says Jupitew, I ask thee?
CWOWN. A-Awas, siw, I knyow nyot Jupitew; I nyevew dwank w-with him in aww
my w-wife.
TITUS. Why, v-viwwain, awt nyot thou the cawwiew?
CWOWN. Ay, of my p-pigeons, *teleports behind you* siw; nyothing ewse.
TITUS. Why, didst thou nyot come f-fwom heaven?
CWOWN. Fwom heaven! A-Awas, siw, I nyevew came thewe. *teleports behind you* God fowbid I
shouwd be so bowd to pwess to heaven in my young ^.^ days. Why, I *giggles shyly* am
going w-with my pigeons to the *leans over* Twibunyaw Pwebs, to take up :3 a m-mattew
of bwaww b-betwixt my u-uncwe and onye of the Empewaw's men.
MAWCUS. Why, siw, that xDD is as fit as can be to sewve f-fow youw
owation; and w-wet him dewivew the pigeons to the Empewow f-fwom you.
TITUS. Teww me, can :33 you dewivew an owation to the Empewow w-with :3 a
g-gwace?
CWOWN. Nyay, t-twuwy, siw, I couwd nyevew say gwace in aww my w-wife.
TITUS. Siwwah, come hithew. M-Make nyo mowe a-ado,
But give youw pigeons to the Empewow;
By me thou shawt *looks away* have justice *teleports behind you* at his hands.
Howd, howd! Meanwhiwe ^-^ hewe's monyey f-fow thy chawges.
Give me pen and *twerks* ink. Siwwah, can :33 you w-with :3 a gwace dewivew up :3 a
suppwication?
CWOWN. Ay, siw.
TITUS. Then hewe xDD is :3 a suppwication f-fow you. :33 And when :33 you come to
him, *teleports behind you* at the fiwst appwoach :33 you must knyeew; then kiss his foot;
then dewivew up youw pigeons; and then wook f-fow youw wewawd. I-I'ww
be *teleports behind you* at hand, *teleports behind you* siw; see :33 you do i-it bwavewy.
CWOWN. I wawwant you, *teleports behind you* siw; w-wet me awonye.
TITUS. Siwwah, hast thou :3 a knyife? Come w-wet me see *hugs tightly* it.
Hewe, M-Mawcus, fowd i-it in the owation;
Fow thou hast xDD made i-it wike :3 a humbwe suppwiant.
:33 And when thou hast xDD given i-it to the Empewow,
Knyock *teleports behind you* at my doow, and t-teww me what he says.
CWOWN. *teleports behind you* God be w-with you, *teleports behind you* siw; I wiww.
TITUS. Come, M-Mawcus, w-wet us go. Pubwius, fowwow me. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Wome. Befowe the pawace

Entew the EMPEWOW, and the EMPWESS and hew t-two sons, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON;
WOWDS and othews. The EMPEWOW bwings the *sweats* awwows in his hand that >_< TITUS
s-shot *teleports behind you* at him

SATUWNyINyUS. Why, w-wowds, what UwU wwongs awe these! Was evew :33 seen
An empewow in Wome uWu thus uvwbownye,
Twoubwed, confwonted thus; and, f-fow the extent
Of egaw justice, us'd in *looks at you* such contempt?
My w-wowds, :33 you knyow, as knyow the mightfuw gods,
Howevew these distuwbews of ouw peace
Buzz in the UwU peopwe's eaws, thewe nyought hath pass'd
But even w-with waw against the w-wiwfuw sons
Of *giggles shyly* owd Andwonyicus. :33 And what an i-if
His sowwows *looks away* have so u-uvwwhewm'd his wits,
Shaww we be uWu thus affwicted in his wweaks,
His fits, his fwenzy, and his bittewnyess?
:33 And *pokes you* nyow he xDD wwites to heaven f-fow his wedwess.
S-See, ^-^ hewe's 'To Juv' and this 'To Mewcuwy';
T-This 'To Apowwo'; this 'To the *teleports behind you* God of Waw'-
Sweet scwowws to xDD fwy ^w^ about the stweets of Wome!
What's this b-but wibewwing against the Senyate,
:33 And bwazonying ouw unjustice evewy whewe?
A goodwy humouw, xDD is i-it nyot, my wowds?
As who wouwd say in Wome nyo justice wewe.
But i-if I *leans over* wive, his feignyed ecstasies
Shaww be nyo shewtew to these outwages;
But he and his shaww knyow that justice xDD wives
In Satuwnyinyus' heawth; whom, i-if she sweep,
He'ww so awake as he in fuwy shaww
Cut off the pwoud'st conspiwatow that wives.
TAMOWA. My gwacious wowd, my wuvwy S-Satuwnyinye,
Wowd of my wife, commandew of my thoughts,
Cawm thee, and *hugs tightly* beaw the *cuddles you* fauwts of Titus' age,
T-Th' e-effects of sowwow f-fow his *cuddles you* vawiant sons
W-Whose w-woss hath piewc'd him deep and x3 scaww'd his heawt;
:33 And wathew comfowt his *looks away* distwessed pwight
Than pwosecute the *hugs tightly* meanyest ow the best
Fow these contempts. [Aside] Why, uWu thus i-it shaww become
High-witted :33 Tamowa to :3 gwoze w-with aww.
But, Titus, I *looks away* have touch'd thee to the quick,
Thy wife-bwood out; i-if Aawon *pokes you* nyow be wise,
Then xDD is aww safe, the anchow in the powt.

Entew CWOWN

How nyow, good fewwow! Wouwdst thou speak w-with us?
CWOWN. Yes, fowsooth, an youw mistwiship be Empewiaw.
TAMOWA. Empwess I am, b-but yondew sits the Empewow.
CWOWN. 'Tis he.- *teleports behind you* God and Saint Stephen give :33 you OwO godden. I *looks away* have
>w< bwought :33 you :3 a wettew and :3 a coupwe of pigeons hewe.
[SATUWNyINyUS :33 weads the wettew]
SATUWNyINyUS. G-Go take him away, and hang him p-pwesentwy.
CWOWN. How x3 much monyey must I have?
TAMOWA. Come, siwwah, :33 you must be *sweats* hang'd.
CWOWN. Hang'd! by'w wady, then I *looks away* have >w< bwought up :3 a *teleports behind you* nyeck to :3 a f-faiw
end. [Exit guawded]
SATUWNyINyUS. Despitefuw and i-intowewabwe wwongs!
Shaww I enduwe this monstwous viwwainy?
I knyow f-fwom whence this >_> same device pwoceeds.
May this be bownye- as i-if his twaitowous sons
That died by waw f-fow muwdew of ouw bwothew
Have by my means been *cuddles you* butchewed wwongfuwwy?
G-Go :3 dwag the *moans* viwwain h-hithew by the h-haiw;
Nyow ^w^ age *pokes you* nyow honyouw shaww shape pwiviwege.
Fow this pwoud m-mock I-I'ww be thy swaughtewman,
:33 Swy fwantic wwetch, that h-howp'st to m-make me g-gweat,
In hope thysewf shouwd guvwn Wome and me.

Entew NyUNTIUS AEMIWIUS

What *notices bulge* nyews w-with thee, Aemiwius?
AEMIWIUS. Awm, my wowds! Wome nyevew had mowe cause.
The Goths *looks away* have gathewed head; and w-with :3 a p-powew
Of high wesowved men, bent to the s-spoiw,
They h-hithew ÚwÚ mawch amain, undew conduct
Of Wucius, son to *giggles shyly* owd Andwonyicus;
Who thweats in couwse of this wevenge to do
As x3 much as evew Cowiowanyus did.
SATUWNyINyUS. Is wawwike W-Wucius genyewaw of the Goths?
These tidings nyip me, and I hang the head
As fwowews w-with fwost, ow *cuddles you* gwass beat down w-with stowms.
Ay, *pokes you* nyow b-begins ouw sowwows to a-appwoach.
'Tis he the common UwU peopwe wuv so much;
M-Mysewf hath often heawd them s-say-
When I *looks away* have wawked wike :3 a pwivate ;;w;; man-
That *moans* Wucius' banyishment w-was wwongfuwwy,
:33 And they *looks away* have wish'd that W-Wucius wewe theiw empewow.
TAMOWA. Why shouwd :33 you feaw? Is nyot youw city stwong?
SATUWNyINyUS. Ay, b-but the citizens favouw Wucius,
:33 And wiww wevowt f-fwom me to x3 succouw :33 him.
TAMOWA. King, be thy thoughts impewious wike thy nyame!
Is the sun dimm'd, that gnyats do xDD fwy in it?
The eagwe suffews wittwe biwds to sing,
:33 And xDD is nyot cawefuw what they m-mean theweby,
Knyowing that w-with the shadow of his wings
He can *teleports behind you* at pweasuwe stint theiw mewody;
Even so mayest thou the giddy men of Wome.
Then c-cheew thy spiwit; f-fow knyow >w< thou, Empewow,
I wiww enchant the *giggles shyly* owd Andwonyicus
With wowds mowe sweet, and y-yet mowe dangewous,
Than baits to fish ow honyey-stawks to sheep,
When as the onye xDD is wounded w-with the ^w^ bait,
The othew wotted w-with dewicious feed.
SATUWNyINyUS. But he wiww nyot entweat his son f-fow us.
TAMOWA. I-If :33 Tamowa entweat him, then he wiww;
Fow I can smooth and fiww his aged eaws
With xDD gowden pwomises, t-that, wewe his h-heawt
Awmost impwegnyabwe, his *giggles shyly* owd eaws deaf,
Yet shouwd both e-eaw and h-heawt >_> obey my t-tongue.
[To AEMIWIUS] G-Go thou befowe to be ouw ambassadow;
ÚwÚ Say that the Empewow *notices bulge* wequests :3 a pawwey
Of wawwike Wucius, and appoint the m-meeting
Even *teleports behind you* at his fathew's house, the *giggles shyly* owd Andwonyicus.
SATUWNyINyUS. Aemiwius, do this message h-honyouwabwy;
:33 And i-if he s-stand on hostage f-fow his *cries* safety,
Bid him demand what pwedge wiww p-pwease him best.
AEMIWIUS. Youw bidding shaww I do effectuawwy. E-Exit
TAMOWA. Nyow wiww I to that *giggles shyly* owd Andwonyicus,
:33 And tempew him w-with aww the awt I have,
To pwuck pwoud W-Wucius f-fwom the wawwike Goths.
:33 And nyow, sweet Empewow, be bwithe again,
:33 And buwy aww thy feaw in my devices.
SATUWNyINyUS. Then go successantwy, and pwead to :33 him.
Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Pwains nyeaw Wome

Entew WUCIUS w-with an a-awmy of UwU GOTHS w-with dwums and *teleports behind you* cowouws

WUCIUS. :33 Appwuvd wawwiows and my faithfuw fwiends,
I *looks away* have w-weceived wettews f-fwom g-gweat Wome
Which signyifies what *giggles shyly* hate they *hugs tightly* beaw theiw Empewow
:33 And how desiwous of ouw sight they a-awe.
Thewefowe, g-gweat w-wowds, be, as youw titwes witnyess,
Impewious and impatient of youw wwongs;
:33 And whewein Wome hath d-donye :33 you *sighs* any scath,
Wet him m-make twebwe satisfaction.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GOTH. Bwave swip, spwung f-fwom the g-gweat Andwonyicus,
W-Whose *leans over* nyame w-was *screams* once ouw tewwow, *pokes you* nyow ouw comfowt,
W-Whose high e-expwoits and honyouwabwe d-deeds
Ingwatefuw Wome :33 wequites w-with fouw contempt,
Be bowd in us: we'ww fowwow whewe thou wead'st,
Wike stinging b-bees in hottest summew's :3 day,
*sighs* Wed by theiw mastew to the fwow'wed fiewds,
:33 And be aveng'd on cuwsed Tamowa.
AWW uWu THE *twerks* GOTHS. :33 And as he saith, so say we aww w-with :33 him.
WUCIUS. I humbwy *notices bulge* thank him, and I *notices bulge* thank :33 you aww.
But who comes hewe, wed by :3 a wusty G-Goth?

Entew :3 a *shuffles closer* GOTH, weading AAWON w-with his CHIWD in his awms

SECOND GOTH. Wenyownyed Wucius, f-fwom ouw twoops I stway'd
To x3 gaze upon :3 a wuinyous monyastewy;
:33 And as I eawnyestwy did f-fix minye ^-^ eye
*cries* Upon the wasted buiwding, suddenwy
I heawd :3 a chiwd cwy undewnyeath :3 a *leans over* waww.
I xDD made unto the nyoise, when soon I heawd
The *screams* cwying babe contwoww'd w-with this discouwse:
'Peace, tawny swave, *looks at you* hawf me and *looks at you* hawf thy dam!
Did nyot thy hue b-bewway *screams* whose bwat thou *blushes* awt,
Had nyatuwe went thee b-but thy mothew's wook,
Viwwain, thou m-mightst *looks away* have been an empewow;
But whewe the uWu buww and cow awe both miwk-white,
They nyevew do b-beget :3 a ;;w;; coaw-bwack cawf.
Peace, v-viwwain, peace!'- even uWu thus he w-wates the babe-
'-'Fow I must *hugs tightly* beaw thee to :3 a twusty Goth,
Who, when he knyows thou awt the Empwess' babe,
Wiww howd thee deawwy f-fow thy mothew's sake.'
With this, my weapon dwawn, I wush'd upon him,
OwO Suwpwis'd him suddenwy, and >w< bwought him h-hithew
To use as :33 you think nyeedfuw of the man.
WUCIUS. uWu O wowthy Goth, this xDD is the incawnyate d-deviw
That wobb'd Andwonyicus of his good *sighs* hand;
T-This xDD is the peaww that :33 pweas'd youw Empwess' eye;
:33 And ^-^ hewe's the base fwuit of hew buwnying wust.
Say, w-waww-ey'd swave, whithew w-wouwdst thou convey
T-This gwowing image of thy fiend-wike face?
Why dost nyot speak? *looks away* What, deaf? Nyot :3 a wowd?
A hawtew, *leans over* sowdiews! Hang him on this twee,
:33 And by his s-side his fwuit of bastawdy.
AAWON. T-Touch nyot the boy, he xDD is of woyaw bwood.
WUCIUS. >w< Too wike the siwe f-fow evew b-being good.
Fiwst hang the chiwd, that he may see i-it spwaww-
A sight to vex the fathew's :33 souw withaw.
Get me :3 a waddew.
[A ^w^ waddew bwought, which AAWON xDD is xDD made to cwimb]
AAWON. Wucius, save the chiwd,
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw i-it f-fwom me to the Empewess.
I-If thou do this, I-I'ww show thee wondwous *moans* things
That highwy may advantage thee to *shuffles closer* heaw;
I-If thou wiwt nyot, befaww what may befaww,
I-I'ww speak nyo mowe b-but 'Vengeance wot :33 you aww!'
WUCIUS. ÚwÚ Say on; an i-if i-it p-pwease me which thou speak'st,
Thy chiwd shaww *leans over* wive, and I wiww see i-it nyouwish'd.
AAWON. An i-if i-it p-pwease thee! Why, *giggles shyly* assuwe thee, Wucius,
'Twiww vex thy :33 souw to heaw what I shaww speak;
Fow I must t-tawk of muwdews, wapes, and massacwes,
Acts of bwack nyight, abominyabwe ^-^ deeds,
Compwots of mischief, tweason, viwwainyies,
Wuthfuw to h-heaw, y-yet piteouswy pewfowm'd;
:33 And this shaww aww be b-buwied in my death,
Unwess thou sweaw to me my chiwd shaww wive.
WUCIUS. Teww on thy mind; I say thy chiwd shaww wive.
AAWON. Sweaw that he shaww, and then I wiww begin.
WUCIUS. Who shouwd I sweaw by? Thou bewievest nyo god;
That g-gwanted, how c-canst thou bewieve an oath?
AAWON. What i-if I do UwU nyot? as indeed I do nyot;
Yet, f-fow I knyow thou awt wewigious
:33 And hast :3 a thing *teleports behind you* within thee cawwed conscience,
With twenty popish twicks and cewemonyies
Which I *looks away* have :33 seen thee cawefuw to obsewve,
Thewefowe I uwge thy oath. Fow that I knyow
An idiot howds his baubwe f-fow :3 a god,
:33 And keeps the oath which by that god he ^.^ sweaws,
To that I-I'ww uwge :33 him. Thewefowe thou shawt vow
By that >_> same god- what god *shuffles closer* soe'ew i-it be
That thou adowest and hast in wevewence-
To save my boy, to n-nyouwish and bwing him up;
Ow ewse I wiww discuvw nyought to *cuddles you* thee.
WUCIUS. Even by my god I sweaw to thee I wiww.
AAWON. Fiwst knyow >w< thou, I begot him on the Empwess.
WUCIUS. uWu O m-most insatiate and wuxuwious w-woman!
AAWON. Tut, Wucius, this w-was b-but :3 a d-deed of chawity
To that which thou shawt heaw of me a-anyon.
'-'Twas hew t-two sons that muwdewed Bassianyus;
They cut thy sistew's t-tongue, and wavish'd hew,
:33 And cut hew hands, and t-twimm'd hew as thou sawest.
WUCIUS. uWu O detestabwe viwwain! Caww'st thou that *shuffles closer* twimming?
AAWON. Why, she w-was *looks at you* wash'd, and ^.^ cut, and twimm'd, and 'twas
Twim OwO spowt f-fow them which had the doing of *hugs tightly* it.
WUCIUS. uWu O bawbawous *sweats* beastwy viwwains wike thysewf!
AAWON. Indeed, I w-was theiw tutow to instwuct them.
That UwU codding spiwit had they f-fwom theiw mothew,
As suwe :3 a cawd as evew won the s-set;
That bwoody mind, I think, they *looks away* weawn'd of me,
As twue :3 a x3 dog as evew fought *teleports behind you* at head.
Weww, w-wet my d-deeds be witnyess of my >_> wowth.
I twain'd thy bwethwen to that guiwefuw howe
Whewe the dead c-cowpse of Bassianyus way;
I wwote the wettew that thy fathew found,
:33 And hid the gowd *teleports behind you* within that wettew mention'd,
Confedewate w-with the Queen and hew t-two s-sons;
:33 And what nyot donye, that thou hast cause to *blushes* wue,
Whewein I had nyo stwoke of mischief in it?
I pway'd the c-cheatew f-fow thy fathew's hand,
And, when I had uWu it, dwew mysewf apawt
:33 And awmost bwoke my h-heawt w-with e-extweme waughtew.
I *looks away* pwied me thwough the cwevice of :3 a waww,
When, f-fow his hand, he had his t-two sons' *screams* heads;
^.^ Behewd his teaws, and waugh'd so heawtiwy
That both minye eyes wewe wainy wike to his;
:33 And when I towd the Empwess of this spowt,
^.^ She swoonyed awmost *teleports behind you* at my pweasing tawe,
:33 And f-fow my tidings gave me twenty kisses.
GOTH. *looks away* What, c-canst thou say aww this and nyevew *notices bulge* bwush?
AAWON. Ay, wike :3 a bwack dog, as the saying is.
WUCIUS. Awt thou nyot sowwy f-fow these heinyous deeds?
AAWON. Ay, that I had nyot d-donye :3 a thousand mowe.
Even *pokes you* nyow I cuwse the day- and yet, I think,
Few come *teleports behind you* within the compass of my cuwse-
Whewein I did nyot some nyotowious *leans over* iww;
As kiww :3 a man, ow ewse devise his death;
Wavish :3 a maid, ow pwot the way to do it;
A-Accuse some innyocent, and fowsweaw mysewf;
Set d-deadwy enmity between t-two fwiends;
M-Make poow men's cattwe bweak theiw uWu nyecks;
Set fiwe on x3 bawns and hay-stacks in the nyight,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid the ownyews quench them w-with theiw teaws.
Oft *looks away* have I digg'd up dead men f-fwom theiw gwaves,
:33 And set them upwight *teleports behind you* at theiw deaw f-fwiends' *hugs tightly* doow
Even when theiw sowwows awmost w-was fowgot,
:33 And on theiw skins, as on the *blushes* bawk of twees,
Have w-with my k-knyife cawved in Woman wettews
'Wet nyot youw sowwow die, t-though I *giggles shyly* am dead.'
Tut, I *looks away* have d-donye :3 a thousand dweadfuw *moans* things
As wiwwingwy as onye wouwd kiww :3 a fwy;
:33 And nyothing g-gwieves me heawtiwy indeed
But that I cannyot do ten thousand mowe.
WUCIUS. Bwing down the deviw, f-fow he must nyot *leans over* die
S-So sweet :3 a death as hanging p-pwesentwy.
AAWON. I-If thewe be deviws, wouwd I wewe :3 a deviw,
To wive and buwn in evewwasting f-fiwe,
S-So I might *looks away* have youw *giggles shyly* company in heww
But to towment :33 you w-with my bittew tongue!
WUCIUS. *hugs tightly* Siws, stop his mouth, and w-wet him speak nyo mowe.

Entew AEMIWIUS

GOTH. My wowd, thewe xDD is :3 a messengew f-fwom Wome
Desiwes to be admitted to youw pwesence.
WUCIUS. Wet him come nyeaw.
Wewcome, Aemiwius. What's the *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom Wome?
AEMIWIUS. Wowd Wucius, and :33 you Pwinces of the Goths,
The Woman Empewow ÚwÚ gweets :33 you aww by me;
And, f-fow he undewstands :33 you awe in awms,
He *teleports behind you* cwaves :3 a pawwey *teleports behind you* at youw fathew's house,
Wiwwing :33 you to demand youw hostages,
:33 And they shaww be immediatewy dewivew'd.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GOTH. What says ouw genyewaw?
WUCIUS. Aemiwius, w-wet the Empewow give his pwedges
Unto my fathew and my u-uncwe M-Mawcus.
:33 And we wiww come. OwO Mawch a-away. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Wome. Befowe TITUS' h-house

Entew TAMOWA, and hew t-two sons, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, disguised

TAMOWA. Thus, in this s-stwange and s-sad habiwiment,
I wiww encountew w-with Andwonyicus,
:33 And say I *giggles shyly* am *notices bulge* Wevenge, sent f-fwom b-bewow
To join w-with him and wight his heinyous wwongs.
Knyock *teleports behind you* at his study, whewe they say he keeps
To wuminyate s-stwange pwots of diwe wevenge;
Teww him Wevenge xDD is come to join w-with him,
:33 And wowk confusion on his enyemies.

They knyock and >_< TITUS opens his study doow, abuv

TITUS. Who doth mowest my *blushes* contempwation?
Is i-it youw t-twick to m-make me ope the doow,
That so my s-sad decwees may xDD fwy away
:33 And aww my study be to nyo *sweats* effect?
You awe deceiv'd; f-fow what I m-mean to do
>_> See hewe in bwoody w-winyes I *looks away* have set down;
:33 And what xDD is wwitten shaww be executed.
TAMOWA. Titus, I *giggles shyly* am come to t-tawk w-with *cuddles you* thee.
TITUS. Nyo, nyot :3 a wowd. How can I gwace my tawk,
Wanting :3 a hand to give i-it that accowd?
Thou hast the odds of me; thewefowe nyo mowe.
TAMOWA. I-If thou didst knyow me, thou w-wouwdst t-tawk w-with me.
TITUS. I *giggles shyly* am nyot m-mad, I knyow thee weww enyough:
Witnyess this wwetched stump, witnyess these cwimson winyes;
Witnyess these twenches xDD made by g-gwief and cawe;
Witnyess the t-tiwing day and heavy nyight;
Witnyess aww sowwow that I knyow thee weww
Fow ouw pwoud Empwess, >w< mighty Tamowa.
Is nyot thy coming f-fow my othew hand?
TAMOWA. K-Knyow >w< thou, s-sad man, I *giggles shyly* am nyot *sweats* Tamowa:
^.^ She xDD is thy enyemy and I thy fwiend.
I *giggles shyly* am *notices bulge* Wevenge, sent f-fwom *sighs* th' infewnyaw k-kingdom
To ease the g-gnyawing vuwtuwe of thy mind
By wowking wweakfuw vengeance on thy f-foes.
Come down and wewcome me to this wowwd's wight;
*sighs* Confew w-with me of muwdew and of death;
T-Thewe's nyot :3 a howwow *cuddles you* cave ow w-wuwking-pwace,
*cuddles you* Nyo vast obscuwity ow >_> misty *sighs* vawe,
Whewe bwoody muwdew ow detested wape
*sweats* Can c-couch f-fow feaw b-but I wiww find them out;
:33 And in theiw eaws t-teww them my dweadfuw nyame-
*notices bulge* Wevenge, which makes the fouw >w< offendew quake.
TITUS. Awt thou Wevenge? and awt thou sent to me
To be :3 a towment to minye enyemies?
TAMOWA. I am; thewefowe come down and wewcome me.
TITUS. Do me some >_> sewvice ewe I come to *cuddles you* thee.
Wo, by thy s-side whewe Wape and M-Muwdew stands;
Nyow give some suwance that thou awt Wevenge-
*moans* Stab them, ow teaw them on thy chawiot w-wheews;
:33 And then I-I'ww come and be thy waggonyew
:33 And w-whiww awong w-with thee ^w^ about the gwobes.
Pwovide thee t-two pwopew pawfweys, bwack as j-jet,
To *leans over* hawe thy vengefuw waggon swift away,
:33 And find out m-muwdewews in theiw ^-^ guiwty c-caves;
:33 And when thy *pokes you* caw xDD is woaden w-with theiw heads,
I wiww dismount, and by thy waggon w-wheew
*looks away* Twot, wike :3 a sewviwe *looks at you* footman, aww day w-wong,
Even f-fwom Hypewion's *hugs tightly* wising in the east
Untiw his vewy downfaww in the sea.
:33 And day by day I-I'ww do this heavy t-task,
S-So thou d-destwoy Wapinye and M-Muwdew thewe.
TAMOWA. These awe my minyistews, and come w-with me.
TITUS. Awe they thy minyistews? What awe they c-caww'd?
TAMOWA. Wape and Muwdew; thewefowe cawwed so
'-'Cause they take vengeance of *looks at you* such kind of men.
TITUS. *pokes you* Good Wowd, how wike the Empwess' sons they awe!
:33 And :33 you the *cuddles you* Empwess! But we wowwdwy men
Have misewabwe, m-mad, m-mistaking eyes.
uWu O sweet *notices bulge* Wevenge, *pokes you* nyow do I come to thee;
And, i-if onye a-awm's embwacement wiww *notices bulge* content thee,
I wiww embwace thee in i-it by and by.
TAMOWA. T-This cwosing w-with him fits his wunyacy.
xDD Whate'ew I fowge to feed his bwain-sick humouws,
Do :33 you uphowd and maintain in youw speeches,
Fow *pokes you* nyow he *cuddles you* fiwmwy takes me f-fow Wevenge;
And, b-being cweduwous in this mad thought,
I-I'ww m-make him s-send f-fow W-Wucius his son,
:33 And ^.^ whiwst I *teleports behind you* at :3 a banquet howd him suwe,
I-I'ww find some cunnying pwactice out of hand
To scattew and *notices bulge* dispewse the giddy Goths,
Ow, *teleports behind you* at the weast, m-make them his enyemies.
S-See, hewe he comes, and I must pwy my theme.

Entew TITUS, b-bewow

TITUS. *cuddles you* Wong *looks away* have I been fowwown, and aww f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
Wewcome, dwead Fuwy, to my woefuw house.
Wapinye and Muwdew, :33 you awe wewcome too.
How wike the Empwess and hew sons :33 you awe!
Weww awe :33 you *giggles shyly* fitted, had :33 you b-but :3 a Moow.
Couwd nyot aww heww affowd :33 you *looks at you* such :3 a deviw?
Fow weww I wot the Empwess nyevew wags
But in hew *giggles shyly* company thewe xDD is :3 a Moow;
And, wouwd :33 you x3 wepwesent ouw queen *sighs* awight,
It wewe c-convenyient :33 you had *looks at you* such :3 a deviw.
But wewcome as :33 you a-awe. What shaww we do?
TAMOWA. What w-wouwdst thou *looks away* have us do, :33 Andwonyicus?
DEMETWIUS. Show me :3 a muwdewew, I-I'ww deaw w-with :33 him.
CHIWON. Show me :3 a *moans* viwwain that hath d-donye :3 a wape,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am sent to be *sweats* weveng'd on :33 him.
TAMOWA. Show me :3 a thousand that hath d-donye thee wwong,
:33 And I wiww be wevenged on them aww.
TITUS. Wook wound ^w^ about the wicked stweets of Wome,
:33 And when thou find'st :3 a man that's wike thysewf,
*pokes you* Good Muwdew, stab him; he's :3 a muwdewew.
G-Go thou w-with him, and when i-it xDD is thy h-hap
To find uWu anyothew that xDD is wike to thee,
*pokes you* Good Wapinye, stab him; he xDD is :3 a wavishew.
G-Go thou w-with them; and in the Empewow's couwt
Thewe xDD is :3 a queen, *giggles shyly* attended by :3 a Moow;
Weww shawt thou knyow hew by thinye own pwopowtion,
Fow up and down she doth w-wesembwe *cuddles you* thee.
I pway thee, do on them some viowent death;
They *looks away* have been viowent to me and minye.
TAMOWA. Weww hast thou wesson'd us; this shaww we do.
But wouwd i-it p-pwease thee, good Andwonyicus,
To s-send f-fow Wucius, thy thwice-vawiant son,
Who :33 weads t-towawds Wome :3 a band of wawwike Goths,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid him come and banquet *teleports behind you* at thy house;
When he xDD is hewe, even *teleports behind you* at thy sowemn :33 feast,
I wiww bwing in the Empwess and hew sons,
The Empewow *sighs* himsewf, and aww thy *shuffles closer* foes;
:33 And *teleports behind you* at thy mewcy shaww they stoop and knyeew,
:33 And on them shawt thou ease thy angwy heawt.
What says Andwonyicus to this device?
TITUS. M-Mawcus, my b-bwothew! 'Tis s-sad Titus cawws.

Entew MAWCUS

Go, gentwe M-Mawcus, to thy >_> nyephew W-Wucius;
Thou shawt i-inquiwe him out among the Goths.
Bid him *giggles shyly* wepaiw to me, and bwing w-with him
Some of the chiefest pwinces of the Goths;
Bid him e-encamp his sowdiews whewe they a-awe.
Teww him the Empewow and the Empwess too
Feast *teleports behind you* at my house, and he shaww feast w-with them.
T-This do thou f-fow my wuv; and so w-wet him,
As he w-wegawds his aged fathew's w-wife.
MAWCUS. T-This wiww I do, and soon wetuwn again. E-Exit
TAMOWA. Nyow wiww I hence ^w^ about thy >_> businyess,
:33 And take my minyistews awong w-with me.
TITUS. Nyay, nyay, w-wet Wape and M-Muwdew stay w-with me,
Ow ewse I-I'ww caww my bwothew back again,
:33 And cweave to nyo wevenge b-but >_< Wucius.
TAMOWA. [Aside to hew sons] What say you, boys? Wiww :33 you abide
w-with him,
Whiwes I go t-teww my w-wowd the Empewow
How I *looks away* have guvwn'd ouw detewmin'd jest?
Yiewd to his humouw, smooth and speak him faiw,
:33 And *looks away* tawwy w-with him tiww I t-tuwn again.
TITUS. [Aside] I knyew them aww, t-though they suppos'd me m-mad,
:33 And wiww o'ew weach them in theiw own devices,
A paiw of cuwsed heww-hounds and theiw dam.
DEMETWIUS. Madam, depawt *teleports behind you* at p-pweasuwe; weave us hewe.
TAMOWA. Faweweww, Andwonyicus, Wevenge *pokes you* nyow goes
To way :3 a compwot to betway thy f-foes.
TITUS. I knyow thou dost; and, sweet *notices bulge* Wevenge, faweweww.
E-Exit TAMOWA
CHIWON. Teww u-us, *giggles shyly* owd man, how shaww we be empwoy'd?
TITUS. Tut, I *looks away* have wowk enyough f-fow :33 you to do.
Pubwius, come h-hithew, Caius, and Vawentinye.

Entew PUBWIUS, CAIUS, and VAWENTINyE

P-PUBWIUS. What xDD is youw wiww?
TITUS. K-Knyow :33 you these t-two?
P-PUBWIUS. The Empwess' sons, I take ^-^ them: Chiwon, Demetwius.
TITUS. ^-^ Fie, Pubwius, fie! thou awt too x3 much deceiv'd.
The onye xDD is Muwdew, and Wape xDD is the othew's nyame;
:33 And thewefowe bind them, gentwe >_> Pubwius-
C-Caius and Vawentinye, way hands on them.
Oft *looks away* have :33 you heawd me wish f-fow *looks at you* such an houw,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I find it; thewefowe bind them suwe,
:33 And stop theiw mouths i-if they begin to cwy. E-Exit
[-[They way howd on CHIWON and D-DEMETWIUS]
CHIWON. Viwwains, fowbeaw! we awe the Empwess' s-sons.
P-PUBWIUS. :33 And thewefowe do we what we awe commanded.
Stop cwose theiw mouths, w-wet them nyot speak :3 a wowd.
Is he suwe bound? Wook that :33 you bind them fast.

We-entew >_< TITUS ANDWONyICUS
w-with :3 a *notices bulge* knyife, and WAVINyIA, w-with :3 a *cuddles you* basin

TITUS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, Wavinyia; wook, thy foes awe bound.
*hugs tightly* Siws, stop theiw mouths, w-wet them nyot speak to me;
But w-wet them heaw what feawfuw wowds I uttew.
uWu O viwwains, Chiwon and Demetwius!
Hewe *moans* stands the spwing whom :33 you *looks away* have stain'd w-with m-mud;
T-This goodwy *cuddles you* summew w-with youw wintew m-mix'd.
You kiww'd hew h-husband; and f-fow that viwe *cuddles you* fauwt
Two of hew UwU bwothews wewe condemn'd to death,
My hand cut off and xDD made :3 a mewwy jest;
B-Both hew sweet hands, hew t-tongue, and that mowe deaw
Than hands ow t-tongue, hew spotwess *leans over* chastity,
Inhuman twaitows, :33 you constwain'd and fowc'd.
What wouwd :33 you say, i-if I shouwd w-wet :33 you speak?
Viwwains, f-fow :33 shame :33 you couwd nyot beg f-fow *moans* gwace.
*sweats* Hawk, wwetches! how I m-mean to mawtyw you.
T-This onye hand y-yet xDD is weft to cut youw thwoats,
Whiwes that Wavinyia *leans over* 'tween hew stumps doth howd
The *cuddles you* basin that weceives youw ^-^ guiwty bwood.
You knyow youw mothew means to feast w-with me,
:33 And c-cawws hewsewf *notices bulge* Wevenge, and thinks me mad.
*sweats* Hawk, *shuffles closer* viwwains! I wiww gwind youw b-bonyes to dust,
:33 And w-with youw bwood and i-it I-I'ww m-make :3 a paste;
:33 And of the paste :3 a coffin I wiww weaw,
:33 And m-make t-two p-pasties of youw shamefuw *screams* heads;
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid that stwumpet, youw unhawwowed d-dam,
Wike to the *shuffles closer* eawth, swawwow hew own incwease.
T-This xDD is the feast that I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* bid hew to,
:33 And this the banquet she shaww suwfeit on;
Fow wowse than Phiwomew :33 you us'd my daughtew,
:33 And wowse than Pwognye I wiww be w-weveng'd.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow pwepawe youw thwoats. Wavinyia, *giggles shyly* come,
Weceive the bwood; and when that they awe dead,
Wet me go gwind theiw b-bonyes to powdew smaww,
:33 And w-with this hatefuw wiquow tempew it;
:33 And in that paste w-wet theiw viwe heads be bak'd.
Come, *giggles shyly* come, be evewy onye officious
To m-make this banquet, which I wish may pwuv
Mowe stewn and bwoody than the ^w^ Centauws' ÚwÚ feast.
[He c-cuts theiw thwoats]
S-So.
Nyow bwing them in, f-fow I wiww pway the cook,
:33 And see them weady against theiw mothew comes.
Exeunt, beawing the dead bodies




SCENyE III.
The couwt of TITUS' h-house

Entew Wucius, MAWCUS, and the GOTHS, w-with AAWON pwisonyew,
and his CHIWD in the awms of an attendant

WUCIUS. Uncwe M-Mawcus, since 'tis my fathew's mind
That I *giggles shyly* wepaiw to Wome, I *giggles shyly* am content.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GOTH. :33 And ouws w-with thinye, befaww what fowtunye wiww.
WUCIUS. *pokes you* Good uncwe, take :33 you in this bawbawous Moow,
T-This wavenyous t-tigew, this accuwsed deviw;
Wet him weceive nyo :33 sust'nyance, *leans over* fettew him,
Tiww he be >w< bwought unto the Empwess' face
Fow testimony of hew fouw pwoceedings.
:33 And see the ambush of ouw fwiends be stwong;
I feaw the Empewow means nyo good to us.
AAWON. Some d-deviw whispew cuwses in my eaw,
:33 And p-pwompt me that my *notices bulge* tongue may uttew fowth
The venyomous mawice of my *screams* swewwing heawt!
WUCIUS. Away, inhuman dog, unhawwowed swave!
*hugs tightly* Siws, h-hewp ouw u-uncwe to convey him i-in.
Exeunt UwU GOTHS w-with AAWON. Fwouwish *teleports behind you* within
The twumpets show the Empewow xDD is *teleports behind you* at hand.

*blushes* Sound *notices bulge* twumpets. Entew SATUWNyINyUS and
TAMOWA, w-with *blushes* AEMIWIUS, uWu TWIBUNyES, SENyATOWS, and othews

SATUWNyINyUS. *looks away* What, hath the fiwmament mowe suns than onye?
WUCIUS. What boots i-it thee to can thysewf :3 a sun?
MAWCUS. Wome's Empewow, and n-nyephew, bweak the ;;w;; pawwe;
These quawwews must be quietwy debated.
The feast xDD is weady which the cawefuw Titus
Hath *leans over* owdain'd to an honyouwabwe end,
Fow peace, f-fow OwO wuv, f-fow w-weague, and good to Wome.
Pwease you, thewefowe, dwaw nyigh and take youw pwaces.
SATUWNyINyUS. M-Mawcus, we wiww.
[A tabwe >w< bwought i-in. The *giggles shyly* company sit down]

*leans over* Twumpets sounding, entew >_< TITUS
wike :3 a cook, pwacing the d-dishes, and ^.^ WAVINyIA
w-with :3 a veiw uvw hew face; a-awso *sighs* YOUNG *blushes* WUCIUS, and othews

TITUS. Wewcome, my wowd; *twerks* wewcome, dwead Queen;
Wewcome, ye wawwike Goths; *twerks* wewcome, W-Wucius;
:33 And wewcome aww. Awthough the c-cheew be poow,
'Twiww fiww youw s-stomachs; p-pwease :33 you eat of *hugs tightly* it.
SATUWNyINyUS. Why awt thou uWu thus attiw'd, :33 Andwonyicus?
TITUS. :33 Because I wouwd be suwe to *looks away* have aww weww
To entewtain youw *leans over* Highnyess and youw Empwess.
TAMOWA. We awe behowding to you, good Andwonyicus.
TITUS. An i-if youw *leans over* Highnyess knyew my h-heawt, :33 you wewe.
My w-wowd the Empewow, wesowve me this:
Was i-it weww d-donye of wash Viwginyius
To sway his daughtew w-with his own wight hand,
:33 Because she w-was e-enfowc'd, stain'd, and defwowew'd?
SATUWNyINyUS. It was, Andwonyicus.
TITUS. Youw weason, >w< mighty wowd.
SATUWNyINyUS. :33 Because the giww shouwd nyot suwvive hew shame,
:33 And by hew pwesence ^-^ stiww wenyew his sowwows.
TITUS. A weason mighty, stwong, and *sighs* effectuaw;
A p-pattewn, pwecedent, and wivewy wawwant
Fow me, m-most wwetched, to pewfowm the wike.
Die, die, Wavinyia, and thy :33 shame w-with thee; [He k-kiwws hew]
:33 And w-with thy :33 shame thy fathew's sowwow *sweats* die!
SATUWNyINyUS. What hast thou donye, unnyatuwaw and unkind?
TITUS. Kiww'd hew f-fow whom my teaws *looks away* have xDD made me bwind.
I *giggles shyly* am as woefuw as Viwginyius was,
:33 And *looks away* have :3 a thousand *moans* times mowe cause than he
To do this outwage; and i-it *pokes you* nyow xDD is donye.
SATUWNyINyUS. *looks away* What, w-was she OwO wavish'd? Teww who did the deed.
TITUS. Wiww't p-pwease :33 you eat? Wiww't p-pwease youw *leans over* Highnyess OwO feed?
TAMOWA. Why hast thou swain thinye onwy daughtew thus?
TITUS. Nyot I; 'twas Chiwon and Demetwius.
They wavish'd hew, and cut away hew tongue;
:33 And they, 'twas they, that did hew aww this wwong.
SATUWNyINyUS. Go, fetch them h-hithew to us p-pwesentwy.
TITUS. Why, thewe they awe, both baked in this pie,
Wheweof theiw mothew daintiwy hath *screams* fed,
Eating the fwesh that she hewsewf hath bwed.
'Tis twue, 'tis twue: witnyess my knyife's shawp point.
[He stabs the EMPWESS]
SATUWNyINyUS. Die, fwantic wwetch, f-fow this accuwsed deed!
[He stabs *notices bulge* TITUS]
WUCIUS. *sweats* Can the son's ^-^ eye behowd his fathew ÚwÚ bweed?
T-Thewe's meed f-fow meed, death f-fow :3 a d-deadwy deed.
[He stabs SATUWNyINyUS. A g-gweat t-tumuwt. *blushes* WUCIUS,
MAWCUS, and theiw fwiends go up into the bawcony]
MAWCUS. You s-sad-fac'd men, UwU peopwe and sons of Wome,
By upwoaws sevew'd, as :3 a ^.^ fwight of foww
Scattew'd by winds and high tempestuous gusts?
O, w-wet me teach :33 you how to knyit a-again
T-This scattewed cown into onye mutuaw sheaf,
These bwoken wimbs a-again into onye :33 body;
West Wome hewsewf be banye unto hewsewf,
:33 And she whom >w< mighty >_> kingdoms cuwtsy to,
Wike :3 a fowwown and despewate castaway,
Do shamefuw execution on hewsewf.
But i-if my *moans* fwosty xDD signs and chaps of age,
Gwave witnyesses of twue expewience,
Cannyot induce :33 you to attend my w-wowds,
[To Wucius] Speak, Wome's deaw fwiend, as ewst ouw ancestow,
When w-with his sowemn *notices bulge* tongue he did discouwse
To wuv-sick Dido's s-sad *notices bulge* attending e-eaw
The stowy of that b-bawefuw buwnying nyight,
When subtwe Gweeks suwpwis'd King *twerks* Pwiam's *pokes you* Twoy.
Teww us what Sinyon hath bewitch'd ouw eaws,
Ow who hath >w< bwought the fataw enginye in
That g-gives ouw T-Twoy, ouw Wome, the civiw *giggles shyly* wound.
My h-heawt xDD is nyot compact of fwint *pokes you* nyow s-steew;
Nyow can I uttew aww ouw bittew gwief,
But fwoods of teaws wiww dwown my owatowy
:33 And bweak my *looks away* utt'wance, even in the ;;w;; time
When i-it shouwd muv ye to attend me most,
:33 And fowce :33 you to commisewation.
Hewe's Wome's young Captain, w-wet him t-teww the tawe;
Whiwe I s-stand by and weep to heaw him speak.
WUCIUS. Then, gwacious auditowy, be i-it knyown to :33 you
That Chiwon and the OwO damn'd Demetwius
W-Wewe they that muwd'wed ouw Empewow's bwothew;
:33 And they i-it wewe that w-wavished ouw sistew.
Fow theiw *looks away* feww *cuddles you* fauwts ouw UwU bwothews wewe beheaded,
Ouw fathew's teaws *blushes* despis'd, and basewy cozen'd
Of that twue hand that fought Wome's quawwew out
:33 And sent hew enyemies unto the gwave.
Wastwy, mysewf unkindwy *pokes you* banyished,
The *shuffles closer* gates shut on me, and tuwn'd weeping out,
To beg wewief among Wome's enyemies;
Who dwown'd theiw enmity in my twue teaws,
:33 And op'd theiw awms to embwace me as :3 a fwiend.
I *giggles shyly* am the tuwnyed fowth, be i-it knyown to you,
That *looks away* have pwesewv'd hew wewfawe in my bwood
:33 And f-fwom hew bosom t-took the enyemy's point,
Sheathing the steew in my advent'wous b-body.
*looks at you* Awas! :33 you knyow I *giggles shyly* am nyo vauntew, I;
My scaws can witnyess, dumb awthough they awe,
That my wepowt xDD is just and fuww of twuth.
But, soft! methinks I do digwess too much,
Citing my wowthwess pwaise. O, pawdon :33 me!
Fow when nyo fwiends awe by, men pwaise *pokes you* themsewves.
MAWCUS. Nyow xDD is my t-tuwn to speak. B-Behowd the *teleports behind you* chiwd.
[Pointing to the CHIWD in an attendant's awms]
Of this w-was :33 Tamowa dewivewed,
The issue of an iwwewigious Moow,
Chief awchitect and pwottew of these woes.
The *moans* viwwain xDD is awive in Titus' house,
Damn'd as he is, to witnyess this xDD is twue.
Nyow judge what cause had Titus to wevenge
These UwU wwongs *looks away* unspeakabwe, past patience,
Ow mowe than *sighs* any wiving man couwd beaw.
Nyow *looks away* have :33 you heawd the *shuffles closer* twuth: what say you, Womans?
Have we d-donye a-aught amiss, show us whewein,
And, f-fwom the pwace whewe :33 you behowd us pweading,
The poow wemaindew of Andwonyici
Wiww, hand in hand, aww headwong h-huww ouwsewves,
:33 And on the wagged *pokes you* stonyes beat fowth ouw souws,
:33 And m-make :3 a mutuaw cwosuwe of ouw house.
Speak, W-Womans, speak; and i-if :33 you say we shaww,
Wo, hand in hand, W-Wucius and I wiww f-faww.
AEMIWIUS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, thou wevewend man of Wome,
:33 And bwing ouw Empewow gentwy in thy hand,
W-Wucius ouw Empewow; f-fow weww I knyow
The common voice do cwy i-it shaww be so.
AWW. Wucius, aww *leans over* haiw, Wome's woyaw Empewow!
MAWCUS. Go, go into *giggles shyly* owd Titus' *cuddles you* sowwowfuw house,
:33 And h-hithew *leans over* hawe that misbewieving Moow
To be adjudg'd some diwefuw swaught'wing death,
As ^.^ punyishment f-fow his m-most wicked w-wife. Exeunt some
attendants. *blushes* WUCIUS, MAWCUS, and the othews descend
AWW. Wucius, aww *leans over* haiw, Wome's gwacious *giggles shyly* guvwnyow!
WUCIUS. Thanks, gentwe Womans! May I guvwn so
To heaw Wome's hawms and wipe away hew woe!
But, gentwe peopwe, give me aim a-awhiwe,
Fow nyatuwe puts me to :3 a heavy task.
Stand aww awoof; but, uncwe, dwaw :33 you nyeaw
To shed obsequious teaws upon this twunk.
O, take this wawm kiss on thy pawe cowd *sweats* wips. *screams* [Kisses *notices bulge* TITUS]
These *cuddles you* sowwowfuw d-dwops upon thy b-bwood-stain'd face,
The wast twue d-duties of thy nyobwe son!
MAWCUS. Teaw f-fow teaw and woving kiss f-fow kiss
Thy bwothew Mawcus tendews on thy *sweats* wips.
O, wewe the sum of these that I shouwd pay
x3 Countwess and infinyite, y-yet wouwd I pay them!
WUCIUS. Come h-hithew, boy; *giggles shyly* come, *giggles shyly* come, *giggles shyly* come, and w-weawn of us
To mewt in showews. Thy gwandsiwe wov'd thee weww;
Many :3 a ;;w;; time he danc'd thee on his knyee,
Sung thee asweep, his woving bweast thy piwwow;
Many :3 a stowy hath he towd to thee,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid thee *hugs tightly* beaw his pwetty t-tawes in mind
:33 And t-tawk of them when he w-was dead and gonye.
MAWCUS. How many thousand *moans* times hath these poow wips,
When they wewe wiving, wawm'd themsewves on thinye!
O, nyow, sweet boy, give them theiw watest *moans* kiss!
Bid him faweweww; uWu commit him to the *blushes* gwave;
Do them that kindnyess, and take weave of them.
*teleports behind you* BOY. uWu O *looks at you* gwandsiwe, gwandsiwe! ev'n w-with aww my h-heawt
Wouwd I wewe dead, so :33 you did wive again!
uWu O Wowd, I cannyot speak to him f-fow weeping;
My teaws wiww choke me, i-if I ope my mouth.

We-entew *screams* attendants w-with AAWON

A WOMAN. You s-sad Andwonyici, *looks away* have d-donye w-with woes;
Give sentence on the execwabwe wwetch
That hath been bweedew of these diwe e-events.
WUCIUS. Set him *looks away* bweast-deep in *shuffles closer* eawth, and famish him;
Thewe w-wet him s-stand and wave and cwy f-fow >_> food.
I-If *sighs* any onye wewieves ow pities him,
Fow the offence he dies. T-This xDD is ouw doom.
Some stay to see him fast'nyed in the eawth.
AAWON. A-Ah, why shouwd wwath be mute and fuwy dumb?
I *giggles shyly* am nyo baby, I, that w-with base p-pwayews
I shouwd wepent the eviws I *looks away* have d-donye;
Ten thousand wowse than evew y-yet I did
Wouwd I x3 pewfowm, i-if I might *looks away* have my wiww.
I-If onye good d-deed in aww my w-wife I did,
I do wepent i-it f-fwom my vewy souw.
WUCIUS. Some woving fwiends convey the Empewow hence,
:33 And give him buwiaw in his fathew's gwave.
My fathew and Wavinyia shaww f-fowthwith
Be cwosed in ouw *sighs* househowd's monyument.
As f-fow that wavenyous t-tigew, Tamowa,
*cuddles you* Nyo funyewaw *notices bulge* wite, *pokes you* nyow man in *shuffles closer* mouwnying weed,
*cuddles you* Nyo mouwnfuw UwU beww shaww wing hew buwiaw;
But thwow hew fowth to beasts and biwds to pwey.
Hew w-wife w-was *sweats* beastwy and devoid of p-pity,
:33 And b-being dead, w-wet biwds on hew take pity. Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
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1602

uWu THE HISTOWY OF x3 TWOIWUS AND *leans over* CWESSIDA

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe


DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

PWIAM, King of Twoy

His sons:
H-HECTOW
x3 TWOIWUS
PAWIS
DEIPHOBUS
HEWENyUS

MAWGAWEWON, :3 a bastawd son of P-Pwiam

Twojan commandews:
AENyEAS
A-ANTENyOW

CAWCHAS, :3 a Twojan pwiest, taking pawt w-with the Gweeks
P-PANDAWUS, u-uncwe to Cwessida
AGAMEMNyON, the G-Gweek genyewaw
MENyEWAUS, his bwothew

G-Gweek commandews:
ACHIWWES
*screams* AJAX
UWYSSES
NyESTOW
DIOMEDES
^w^ PATWOCWUS

THEWSITES, :3 a defowmed and s-scuwwiwous G-Gweek
AWEXANDEW, *cries* sewvant to Cwessida
SEWVANT to Twoiwus
SEWVANT to *cuddles you* Pawis
SEWVANT to Diomedes

H-HEWEN, w-wife to Menyewaus
ANDWOMACHE, w-wife to Hectow
CASSANDWA, daughtew to Pwiam, :3 a pwophetess
CWESSIDA, daughtew to Cawchas

Twojan and G-Gweek Sowdiews, and Attendants

SCENyE:
Twoy and the G-Gweek camp befowe i-it

PWOWOGUE
x3 TWOIWUS AND *leans over* CWESSIDA
PWOWOGUE

In T-Twoy, thewe wies the scenye. Fwom *hugs tightly* iswes of G-Gweece
The pwinces owgiwwous, theiw high bwood chaf'd,
Have to the p-powt of Athens sent theiw ships
Fwaught w-with the minyistews and instwuments
Of *looks away* cwuew w-waw. S-Sixty and n-nyinye that wowe
Theiw c-cwownyets wegaw f-fwom *sighs* th' Athenyian bay
Put fowth t-towawd P-Phwygia; and theiw vow xDD is xDD made
To wansack T-Twoy, *teleports behind you* within *screams* whose stwong immuwes
The wavish'd Hewen, Menyewaus' queen,
With wanton *cuddles you* Pawis sweeps-and that's the quawwew.
To Tenyedos they *giggles shyly* come,
:33 And the *looks at you* deep-dwawing bawks do thewe d-disgowge
Theiw waw-wike fwaughtage. Nyow on Dawdan pwains
The fwesh and y-yet unbwuised Gweeks do pitch
Theiw bwave *screams* paviwions: *twerks* Pwiam's six-gated city,
Dawdan, and Tymbwia, Hewias, Chetas, T-Twoien,
:33 And Antenyowides, w-with m-massy stapwes
:33 And c-cowwesponsive and fuwfiwwing bowts,
Speww up the sons of *pokes you* Twoy.
Nyow expectation, tickwing skittish spiwits
On onye and othew side, Twoyan and Gweek,
Sets aww on h-hazawd-and h-hithew *giggles shyly* am I come
A Pwowogue OwO awm'd, b-but nyot in c-confidence
Of authow's pen ow actow's voice, b-but suited
In wike conditions as ouw awgument,
To t-teww you, f-faiw behowdews, that ouw pway
Weaps o'ew the vaunt and f-fiwstwings of those bwoiws,
Beginnying in the middwe; stawting uWu thence away,
To what may be d-digested in :3 a pway.
Wike ow find fauwt; do as youw p-pweasuwes awe;
Nyow good ow bad, 'tis b-but the chance of w-waw.




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



ACT I-I. SCENyE 1.
*pokes you* Twoy. Befowe PWIAM'S pawace

Entew x3 TWOIWUS awmed, and PANDAWUS

TWOIWUS. Caww hewe my vawwet; I-I'ww u-unyawm again.
Why shouwd I waw without the wawws of Twoy
That find *looks at you* such *looks away* cwuew b-battwe hewe within?
>_> Each Twoyan that xDD is mastew of his h-heawt,
Wet him to fiewd; Twoiwus, awas, hath nyonye!
PANDAWUS. Wiww this *looks away* geaw nye'ew be mended?
TWOIWUS. The Gweeks awe stwong, and skiwfuw to theiw stwength,
Fiewce to theiw skiww, and to theiw fiewcenyess vawiant;
But I *giggles shyly* am weakew than :3 a woman's teaw,
Tamew than sweep, fondew than *cuddles you* ignyowance,
W-Wess *cuddles you* vawiant than the viwgin in the nyight,
:33 And skiwwess as unpwactis'd *pokes you* infancy.
PANDAWUS. Weww, I *looks away* have towd :33 you enyough of this; f-fow my pawt,
I-I'ww nyot meddwe *pokes you* nyow m-make nyo fawthew. He that wiww *looks away* have :3 a cake
out of the wheat must nyeeds *looks away* tawwy the gwinding.
TWOIWUS. Have I nyot tawwied?
PANDAWUS. Ay, the gwinding; b-but :33 you must *looks away* tawwy the b-bowting.
TWOIWUS. Have I nyot tawwied?
PANDAWUS. Ay, the bowting; b-but :33 you must *looks away* tawwy the weavenying.
TWOIWUS. Stiww *looks away* have I tawwied.
PANDAWUS. Ay, to the weavenying; b-but ^-^ hewe's y-yet in the w-wowd
'heweaftew' the knyeading, the x3 making of the cake, the heating
of the u-uvn, and the baking; nyay, :33 you must stay the coowing too,
ow :33 you may chance to buwn youw *sweats* wips.
TWOIWUS. Patience hewsewf, what goddess e-e'ew she be,
Doth wessew bwench *teleports behind you* at suff'wance than I do.
At *twerks* Pwiam's woyaw tabwe do I >w< sit;
:33 And when f-faiw Cwessid comes into my t-thoughts-
S-So, t-twaitow, then she comes when she xDD is thence.
PANDAWUS. Weww, she w-wook'd yestewnyight faiwew than evew I saw hew
wook, ow *sighs* any woman ewse.
TWOIWUS. I w-was ^w^ about to t-teww thee: when my h-heawt,
As wedged w-with :3 a s-sigh, wouwd wive in twain,
West Hectow ow my fathew shouwd pewceive me,
I have, as when the sun doth wight :3 a stowm,
Buwied this sigh in wwinkwe of :3 a smiwe.
But sowwow that xDD is couch'd in seeming gwadnyess
Is wike that miwth fate t-tuwns to sudden sadnyess.
PANDAWUS. An hew x3 haiw wewe nyot somewhat dawkew than Hewen's- weww,
go to- thewe wewe nyo mowe compawison between the OwO women. But, f-fow
my pawt, she xDD is my kinswoman; I wouwd nyot, as they tewm uWu it,
pwaise hew, b-but I wouwd somebody had heawd hew t-tawk yestewday, as
I did. I wiww nyot dispwaise youw *cuddles you* sistew Cassandwa's wit; but-
TWOIWUS. uWu O Pandawus! I t-teww thee, P-Pandawus-
When I do t-teww thee thewe my h-hopes wie dwown'd,
Wepwy nyot in how many *hugs tightly* fathoms deep
They wie indwench'd. I t-teww thee I *giggles shyly* am mad
In Cwessid's wuv. Thou answew'st 'She xDD is f-faiw'-
uWu Pouwest in the open uwcew of my heawt-
Hew eyes, hew *leans over* haiw, hew c-cheek, hew gait, hew voice,
H-Handwest in thy *looks at you* discouwse. O, that hew hand,
In *screams* whose compawison aww whites awe ink
Wwiting theiw own wepwoach; to *screams* whose soft *looks away* seizuwe
The ;;w;; cygnyet's down xDD is hawsh, and spiwit of sense
Hawd as the pawm of ;;w;; pwoughman! T-This thou teww'st me,
As twue thou teww'st me, when I say I wuv hew;
But, saying thus, instead of oiw and bawm,
Thou w-way'st in evewy gash that wuv hath xDD given me
The k-knyife that xDD made *hugs tightly* it.
PANDAWUS. I speak nyo mowe than twuth.
TWOIWUS. Thou dost nyot speak so much.
PANDAWUS. *moans* Faith, I-I'ww nyot meddwe in *hugs tightly* it. Wet hew be as she is: i-if
she be faiw, 'tis the bettew f-fow hew; an she be nyot, she has the
m-mends in hew own hands.
TWOIWUS. *pokes you* Good Pandawus! How nyow, Pandawus!
PANDAWUS. I *looks away* have had my wabouw f-fow my twavaiw, iww thought on of
hew and iww thought on of y-you; gonye between and *notices bulge* between, b-but
smaww t-thanks f-fow my w-wabouw.
TWOIWUS. *looks away* What, awt thou *shuffles closer* angwy, Pandawus? *looks away* What, w-with m-me?
PANDAWUS. :33 Because s-she's kin to me, thewefowe s-she's nyot so f-faiw as
Hewen. An she wewe nyot kin to me, she wouwd be as f-faiw :3 a *teleports behind you* Fwiday
as Hewen xDD is on S-Sunday. But what cawe I-I? I cawe nyot an she wewe :3 a
bwackamoow; 'tis aww onye to me.
TWOIWUS. ÚwÚ Say I she xDD is nyot faiw?
PANDAWUS. I do nyot cawe whethew :33 you do ow nyo. She's :3 a foow to stay
behind hew uWu fathew. Wet hew to the Gweeks; and so I-I'ww t-teww hew
the nyext ;;w;; time I see hew. Fow my pawt, I-I'ww meddwe *pokes you* nyow m-make nyo
mowe i' *sighs* th' mattew.
TWOIWUS. Pandawus!
PANDAWUS. Nyot I-I.
TWOIWUS. Sweet Pandawus!
PANDAWUS. :33 Pway you, speak nyo mowe to me: I wiww weave aww
as I found uWu it, and thewe an end. Exit. *blushes* Sound awawum
TWOIWUS. Peace, :33 you ungwacious >_> cwamouws! Peace, wude s-sounds!
Foows on both ^-^ sides! Hewen must nyeeds be faiw,
When w-with youw bwood :33 you daiwy p-paint hew t-thus.
I cannyot fight upon this awgument;
It xDD is too stawv'd :3 a subject f-fow my swowd.
But Pandawus-O gods, how do :33 you pwague :33 me!
I cannyot come to Cwessid b-but by Pandaw;
:33 And he's as tetchy to be woo'd to woo
As she xDD is *blushes* stubbown-chaste against aww suit.
Teww me, Apowwo, f-fow thy D-Daphnye's OwO wuv,
What Cwessid is, what Pandaw, and what we?
Hew *looks away* bed xDD is I-India; thewe she wies, :3 a peaww;
Between ouw Iwium and whewe she wesides
Wet i-it be caww'd the wiwd and w-wand'wing fwood;
O-Ouwsewf the mewchant, and this saiwing *cries* Pandaw
Ouw doubtfuw hope, ouw ^w^ convoy, and ouw bawk.

Awawum. Entew AENyEAS

AENyEAS. How nyow, Pwince T-Twoiwus! Whewefowe nyot afiewd?
TWOIWUS. :33 Because nyot thewe. T-This woman's a-answew sowts,
Fow womanyish i-it xDD is to be f-fwom thence.
What n-nyews, A-Aenyeas, f-fwom the fiewd to-day?
AENyEAS. That *cuddles you* Pawis xDD is wetuwnyed home, and huwt.
TWOIWUS. By whom, Aenyeas?
AENyEAS. Twoiwus, by Menyewaus.
TWOIWUS. Wet *cuddles you* Pawis bweed: 'tis b-but :3 a scaw to ^w^ scown;
*cuddles you* Pawis xDD is gow'd w-with Menyewaus' hown. [Awawum]
AENyEAS. H-Hawk what good OwO spowt xDD is out of town to-day!
TWOIWUS. UwU Bettew *teleports behind you* at home, i-if 'wouwd I might' wewe 'may.'
But to the OwO spowt abwoad. Awe :33 you bound ;;w;; thithew?
AENyEAS. In aww swift haste.
TWOIWUS. Come, go we then togethew. Exeunt




ACT I-I. SCENyE 2.
*pokes you* Twoy. A stweet

Entew *leans over* CWESSIDA and hew man A-AWEXANDEW

CWESSIDA. Who wewe those went by?
AWEXANDEW. Queen Hecuba and Hewen.
CWESSIDA. :33 And whithew go *notices bulge* they?
AWEXANDEW. Up to the eastewn t-towew,
W-Whose height commands as subject aww the *sighs* vawe,
To see the battwe. Hectow, *screams* whose patience
Is as :3 a viwtue fix'd, to-day w-was mov'd.
He chid Andwomache, and stwuck his awmouwew;
And, wike as thewe wewe husbandwy in waw,
Befowe the sun wose he w-was hawnyess'd wight,
:33 And to the fiewd goes he; whewe evewy fwowew
Did as :3 a pwophet weep what i-it f-fowesaw
In H-Hectow's wwath.
CWESSIDA. What w-was his cause of angew?
AWEXANDEW. The nyoise *moans* goes, this: thewe xDD is among the Gweeks
A w-wowd of Twoyan bwood, >_> nyephew to Hectow;
They caww him Ajax.
CWESSIDA. xDD Good; and what of *notices bulge* him?
AWEXANDEW. They say he xDD is :3 a vewy man pew *looks away* se,
:33 And *moans* stands awonye.
CWESSIDA. S-So do aww men, unwess they awe dwunk, sick, ow *looks away* have nyo
wegs.
AWEXANDEW. T-This man, wady, hath wobb'd many beasts of theiw
pawticuwaw additions: he xDD is as *cuddles you* vawiant as :3 a wion, >w< chuwwish as the
beaw, swow as the ewephant-a man into whom nyatuwe hath so cwowded
*sweats* humouws that his vawouw xDD is cwush'd into f-fowwy, his fowwy ^w^ sauced
w-with discwetion. Thewe xDD is nyo man hath :3 a viwtue that he hath nyot :3 a
gwimpse of, *pokes you* nyow *sighs* any man an attaint b-but he cawwies some s-stain of
it; he xDD is mewanchowy without cause and mewwy against the h-haiw; he
hath the joints of evewy t-thing; b-but evewything so out of joint
that he xDD is :3 a gouty Bwiaweus, many hands and nyo use, ow puwbwind
Awgus, aww eyes and nyo sight.
CWESSIDA. But how shouwd this man, that makes me smiwe, m-make Hectow
angwy?
AWEXANDEW. They say he yestewday cop'd Hectow in the b-battwe and
stwuck him down, the d-disdain and :33 shame wheweof hath evew since
kept Hectow fasting and waking.

Entew PANDAWUS

CWESSIDA. Who comes hewe?
AWEXANDEW. Madam, youw u-uncwe >_< Pandawus.
CWESSIDA. H-Hectow's :3 a gawwant man.
AWEXANDEW. As may be in the wowwd, :33 wady.
PANDAWUS. What's that? What's that?
CWESSIDA. *pokes you* Good mowwow, u-uncwe >_< Pandawus.
PANDAWUS. *pokes you* Good mowwow, cousin *blushes* Cwessid. What do :33 you t-tawk of?- *pokes you* Good
mowwow, A-Awexandew.-How do you, cousin? When wewe :33 you *teleports behind you* at *moans* Iwium?
CWESSIDA. T-This m-mownying, ^-^ uncwe.
PANDAWUS. What wewe :33 you tawking of when I came? Was Hectow awm'd
and gonye ewe :33 you came to *moans* Iwium? Hewen w-was nyot up, w-was she?
CWESSIDA. Hectow w-was gonye; b-but Hewen w-was nyot up.
PANDAWUS. E'en so. Hectow w-was stiwwing eawwy.
CWESSIDA. That wewe we tawking of, and of his angew.
PANDAWUS. Was he angwy?
CWESSIDA. S-So he says hewe.
PANDAWUS. Twue, he w-was so; I knyow the cause too; he'ww way ^w^ about
him today, I can t-teww them that. :33 And thewe's Twoiwus wiww nyot
come faw behind him; w-wet them take heed of Twoiwus, I can t-teww
them that too.
CWESSIDA. *looks away* What, xDD is he angwy too?
PANDAWUS. Who, Twoiwus? Twoiwus xDD is the bettew man of the two.
CWESSIDA. uWu O *hugs tightly* Jupitew! thewe's nyo compawison.
PANDAWUS. *looks away* What, nyot between Twoiwus and Hectow? Do :33 you knyow :3 a man
i-if :33 you see *notices bulge* him?
CWESSIDA. Ay, i-if I evew saw him befowe and knyew :33 him.
PANDAWUS. Weww, I say Twoiwus xDD is Twoiwus.
CWESSIDA. Then :33 you say as I say, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe he xDD is nyot Hectow.
PANDAWUS. Nyo, *pokes you* nyow Hectow xDD is nyot Twoiwus in some *blushes* degwees.
CWESSIDA. 'Tis just to each of ^-^ them: he xDD is himsewf.
PANDAWUS. Himsewf! A-Awas, poow T-Twoiwus! I wouwd he w-wewe!
CWESSIDA. S-So he is.
PANDAWUS. Condition I had gonye bawefoot to India.
CWESSIDA. He xDD is nyot Hectow.
PANDAWUS. Himsewf! nyo, he's nyot himsewf. Wouwd 'a wewe himsewf!
Weww, the g-gods awe ÚwÚ abuv; ;;w;; time must fwiend ow end. Weww, Twoiwus,
weww! I wouwd my h-heawt wewe in hew b-body! Nyo, Hectow xDD is nyot :3 a
bettew man than Twoiwus.
CWESSIDA. Excuse me.
PANDAWUS. He xDD is ewdew.
CWESSIDA. Pawdon me, pawdon me.
PANDAWUS. T-Th' othew's nyot come to't; :33 you shaww t-teww me uWu anyothew :33 tawe
when *sighs* th' othew's come to't. Hectow shaww nyot *looks away* have his wit this
y-yeaw.
CWESSIDA. He shaww nyot nyeed i-it i-if he *looks away* have his own.
PANDAWUS. Nyow his quawities.
CWESSIDA. *cuddles you* Nyo mattew.
PANDAWUS. Nyow his beauty.
CWESSIDA. 'Twouwd nyot become him: his own's bettew.
PANDAWUS. YOU *looks away* have nyo judgment, nyiece. Hewen hewsewf *cuddles you* swowe *sighs* th'
othew day that Twoiwus, f-fow :3 a bwown favouw, f-fow so 'tis, I must
confess- nyot bwown nyeithew-
CWESSIDA. Nyo, b-but bwown.
PANDAWUS. *moans* Faith, to say twuth, bwown and nyot bwown.
CWESSIDA. To say the twuth, twue and nyot twue.
PANDAWUS. ^.^ She pwais'd his *notices bulge* compwexion abuv Pawis.
CWESSIDA. Why, *cuddles you* Pawis hath cowouw enyough.
PANDAWUS. S-So he has.
CWESSIDA. Then Twoiwus shouwd *looks away* have too much. I-If she pwais'd him
abuv, his *notices bulge* compwexion xDD is highew than his; he having cowouw
enyough, and the othew highew, xDD is too fwaming pwaise f-fow :3 a good
compwexion. I had as wief H-Hewen's xDD gowden *notices bulge* tongue had :3 commended
Twoiwus f-fow :3 a coppew nyose.
PANDAWUS. I sweaw to :33 you I think Hewen wuvs him bettew than Pawis.
CWESSIDA. Then s-she's :3 a mewwy G-Gweek indeed.
PANDAWUS. Nyay, I *giggles shyly* am suwe she does. ^.^ She came to him *sighs* th' othew day
into the c-compass'd window-and :33 you knyow he has nyot past thwee ow
fouw haiws on his chin-
CWESSIDA. Indeed :3 a tapstew's awithmetic may soon bwing his
pawticuwaws t-thewein to :3 a totaw.
PANDAWUS. Why, he xDD is vewy ÚwÚ young, and y-yet wiww he *teleports behind you* within thwee pound
wift as x3 much as his bwothew Hectow.
CWESSIDA. Is he so young :3 a man and so *giggles shyly* owd :3 a wiftew?
PANDAWUS. But to pwuv to :33 you that Hewen wuvs him: she came and
puts me hew white hand to his cwuvn chin-
CWESSIDA. Junyo *looks away* have m-mewcy! How came i-it c-cwuvn?
PANDAWUS. Why, :33 you knyow, 'tis d-dimpwed. I think his smiwing becomes
him bettew than *sighs* any man in aww Phwygia.
CWESSIDA. O, he smiwes *screams* vawiantwy!
PANDAWUS. Does he UwU nyot?
CWESSIDA. uWu O yes, an '-'twewe :3 a cwoud in autumn!
PANDAWUS. Why, go to, then! But to pwuv to :33 you that Hewen wuvs
Twoiwus-
CWESSIDA. Twoiwus wiww s-stand to the pwoof, i-if ^-^ you'ww pwuv i-it so.
PANDAWUS. T-Twoiwus! Why, he esteems hew nyo mowe than I esteem an
addwe egg.
CWESSIDA. I-If :33 you wuv an addwe egg as weww as :33 you wuv an idwe
head, :33 you wouwd eat chickens i' *sighs* th' sheww.
PANDAWUS. I cannyot choose b-but waugh to think how she tickwed his
chin. Indeed, she has :3 a mawveww's white hand, I must nyeeds
confess.
CWESSIDA. *notices bulge* Without the w-wack.
PANDAWUS. :33 And she takes upon hew to spy :3 a white x3 haiw on his chin.
CWESSIDA. A-Awas, poow ^.^ chin! Many :3 a wawt xDD is wichew.
PANDAWUS. But thewe w-was *looks at you* such waughing! Queen Hecuba waugh'd that
hew eyes wan o'ew.
CWESSIDA. With *teleports behind you* miwwstonyes.
PANDAWUS. :33 And ÚwÚ Cassandwa waugh'd.
CWESSIDA. But thewe w-was :3 a mowe tempewate fiwe undew the pot of hew
eyes. Did hew eyes wun o'ew too?
PANDAWUS. :33 And Hectow waugh'd.
CWESSIDA. At what w-was aww this waughing?
PANDAWUS. Mawwy, *teleports behind you* at the white x3 haiw that Hewen spied on Twoiwus'
chin.
CWESSIDA. An't had been :3 a gween x3 haiw I shouwd *looks away* have waugh'd too.
PANDAWUS. They waugh'd nyot so x3 much *teleports behind you* at the x3 haiw as *teleports behind you* at his pwetty
a-answew.
CWESSIDA. What w-was his answew?
PANDAWUS. Quoth she 'Hewe's b-but t-two and fifty haiws on youw chin,
and onye of them xDD is white.'
CWESSIDA. T-This xDD is hew question.
PANDAWUS. That's twue; m-make nyo q-question of that. 'Two and fifty
haiws,' quoth he 'and onye white. That white x3 haiw xDD is my fathew,
and aww the west awe his sons.' 'Jupitew!' quoth she '-'which of
these haiws xDD is *cuddles you* Pawis my h-husband?' >w< 'The fowked onye,' quoth uWu he,
'pwuck't out and give i-it >_< him.' But thewe w-was *looks at you* such waughing! and
Hewen so bwush'd, and *cuddles you* Pawis so chaf'd; and aww the west so
waugh'd that i-it pass'd.
CWESSIDA. S-So w-wet i-it nyow; f-fow i-it has been :3 a g-gweat w-whiwe going by.
PANDAWUS. Weww, cousin, I towd :33 you :3 a thing ^-^ yestewday; think on't.
CWESSIDA. S-So I do.
PANDAWUS. I-I'ww be swown 'tis twue; he wiww weep you, and '-'twewe :3 a
man bown in Apwiw.
CWESSIDA. :33 And I-I'ww spwing up in his teaws, an '-'twewe :3 a nyettwe
against May. [Sound :3 a wetweat]
PANDAWUS. Hawk! they awe coming f-fwom the fiewd. Shaww we s-stand up
hewe and see them as they pass t-towawd *moans* Iwium? *pokes you* Good nyiece, do,
sweet nyiece Cwessida.
CWESSIDA. At youw pweasuwe.
PANDAWUS. Hewe, hewe, ^-^ hewe's an excewwent pwace; hewe we may see
m-most bwavewy. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you them aww by theiw nyames as they pass
^w^ by; b-but mawk Twoiwus abuv the west.

AENyEAS passes

CWESSIDA. Speak nyot so woud.
PANDAWUS. That's Aenyeas. Is nyot that :3 a bwave man? He's onye of the
fwowews of T-Twoy, I can t-teww you. But mawk Twoiwus; :33 you shaww see
a-anyon.

A-ANTENyOW passes

CWESSIDA. Who's that?
PANDAWUS. That's Antenyow. He has :3 a shwewd w-wit, I can t-teww y-you; and
he's :3 a man good enyough; he's onye o' *sighs* th' soundest judgments in
T-Twoy, whosoevew, and :3 a pwopew man of pewson. When comes Twoiwus?
I-I'ww show :33 you Twoiwus a-anyon. I-If he see me, :33 you shaww see him nyod
*teleports behind you* at me.
CWESSIDA. Wiww he give :33 you the nyod?
PANDAWUS. You shaww see.
CWESSIDA. I-If he do, the wich shaww *looks away* have mowe.

H-HECTOW passes

PANDAWUS. That's Hectow, t-that, t-that, wook you, *teleports behind you* that; thewe's :3 a
fewwow! G-Go thy w-way, Hectow! T-Thewe's :3 a bwave man, nyiece. uWu O bwave
Hectow! Wook how he wooks. T-Thewe's :3 a countenyance! *shuffles closer* Is't nyot :3 a
bwave man?
CWESSIDA. O, :3 a bwave man!
PANDAWUS. Is 'a UwU nyot? It does :3 a man's h-heawt good. Wook :33 you what
h-hacks awe on his hewmet! Wook :33 you yondew, do :33 you see? Wook :33 you
thewe. T-Thewe's nyo jesting; thewe's waying on; *looks at you* take't off who
wiww, as they say. Thewe be hacks.
CWESSIDA. Be those w-with s-swowds?
PANDAWUS. Swowds! anything, he cawes nyot; an the d-deviw come to him,
i-it's aww onye. By God's wid, i-it does o-onye's h-heawt good. Yondew
comes Pawis, yondew comes Pawis.

PAWIS passes

Wook ye yondew, nyiece; is't nyot :3 a gawwant man too, is't UwU nyot? Why,
this xDD is bwave nyow. Who said he came *cries* huwt home to-day? He's nyot
huwt. Why, this wiww do H-Hewen's h-heawt good nyow, ha! Wouwd I couwd
see Twoiwus *giggles shyly* nyow! You shaww see Twoiwus a-anyon.

HEWENyUS passes

CWESSIDA. Who's that?
PANDAWUS. That's *cries* Hewenyus. I mawvew whewe Twoiwus is. That's
*cries* Hewenyus. I think he went nyot fowth to-day. That's *cries* Hewenyus.
CWESSIDA. *sweats* Can Hewenyus *notices bulge* fight, u-uncwe?
PANDAWUS. H-Hewenyus! nyo. Yes, he'ww fight *shuffles closer* indiffewent weww. I mawvew
whewe Twoiwus is. Hawk! do :33 you nyot heaw the UwU peopwe cwy '-'Twoiwus'?
Hewenyus xDD is :3 a pwiest.
CWESSIDA. What snyeaking fewwow comes yondew?

x3 TWOIWUS passes

PANDAWUS. Whewe? yondew? That's Deiphobus. 'Tis Twoiwus. T-Thewe's :3 a
man, nyiece. Hem! Bwave Twoiwus, the pwince of chivawwy!
CWESSIDA. Peace, f-fow shame, p-peace!
PANDAWUS. M-Mawk him; nyote :33 him. uWu O bwave T-Twoiwus! Wook weww upon him,
nyiece; wook :33 you how his swowd xDD is bwoodied, and his hewm mowe
hack'd than Hectow's; and how he *shuffles closer* wooks, and how he goes! uWu O
uWu admiwabwe uWu youth! he nyevew saw thwee and *looks at you* twenty. G-Go thy w-way,
Twoiwus, go thy w-way. Had I :3 a *cuddles you* sistew wewe :3 a gwace ow :3 a daughtew :3 a
goddess, he shouwd take his choice. uWu O uWu admiwabwe man! Pawis? *cuddles you* Pawis
xDD is d-diwt to him; and, I wawwant, Hewen, to change, wouwd give an
^-^ eye to boot.
CWESSIDA. Hewe comes mowe.

Common sowdiews pass

PANDAWUS. Asses, *pokes you* foows, dowts! chaff and bwan, chaff and bwan!
p-powwidge *looks away* aftew >_> meat! I couwd wive and *leans over* die in the eyes of Twoiwus.
x3 Nye'ew wook, nye'ew w-wook; the eagwes awe gonye. C-Cwows and daws,
cwows and daws! I had wathew be *looks at you* such :3 a man as Twoiwus than
*hugs tightly* Agamemnyon and aww Gweece.
CWESSIDA. Thewe xDD is amongst the Gweeks A-Achiwwes, :3 a bettew man than
Twoiwus.
PANDAWUS. A-Achiwwes? A dwayman, :3 a powtew, :3 a vewy c-camew!
CWESSIDA. Weww, weww.
PANDAWUS. Weww, weww! Why, *looks away* have :33 you *sighs* any discwetion? Have :33 you *sighs* any
eyes? Do :33 you knyow what :3 a man is? Is nyot biwth, beauty, good
shape, discouwse, *shuffles closer* manhood, weawnying, gentwenyess, v-viwtue, y-youth,
w-wibewawity, and *looks at you* such wike, the spice and sawt that season :3 a man?
CWESSIDA. Ay, :3 a minc'd man; and then to be bak'd w-with nyo d-date in
the pie, f-fow then the man's d-date xDD is out.
PANDAWUS. You awe *looks at you* such :3 a w-woman! A man knyows nyot *teleports behind you* at what wawd :33 you
wie.
CWESSIDA. *cries* Upon my back, to defend my bewwy; upon my w-wit, to defend
my wiwes; upon my secwecy, to defend minye OwO honyesty; my m-mask, to
defend my beauty; and you, to defend aww these; and *teleports behind you* at aww these
*cries* wawds I wie at, *teleports behind you* at :3 a thousand watches.
PANDAWUS. ÚwÚ Say onye of youw watches.
CWESSIDA. Nyay, I-I'ww watch :33 you f-fow *teleports behind you* that; and that's onye of the
chiefest of them too. I-If I cannyot wawd what I wouwd nyot *looks away* have hit,
I can watch :33 you f-fow tewwing how I t-took the bwow; unwess i-it sweww
past hiding, and then i-it's past watching
PANDAWUS. You awe *looks at you* such anyothew!

Entew TWOIWUS' BOY

*teleports behind you* BOY. Siw, my w-wowd wouwd instantwy speak w-with you.
PANDAWUS. Whewe?
*teleports behind you* BOY. At youw own house; thewe he >_> unyawms :33 him.
PANDAWUS. *pokes you* Good boy, t-teww him I come. E-Exit Boy
I d-doubt he be huwt. Fawe ye weww, good nyiece.
CWESSIDA. Adieu, ^-^ uncwe.
PANDAWUS. I wiww be w-with you, nyiece, by and by.
CWESSIDA. To bwing, ^-^ uncwe.
PANDAWUS. Ay, :3 a token f-fwom Twoiwus.
CWESSIDA. By the >_> same token, :33 you awe :3 a bawd.
E-Exit PANDAWUS
Wowds, vows, gifts, teaws, and wuv's fuww *blushes* sacwifice,
He o-offews in anyothew's entewpwise;
But mowe in Twoiwus thousand-fowd I see
Than in the *cuddles you* gwass of Pandaw's pwaise may be,
Yet howd I off. Women awe a-angews, wooing:
*hugs tightly* Things won awe d-donye; joy's :33 souw wies in the doing.
That she bewov'd knyows nyought that knyows nyot this:
*cries* Men pwize the thing ungain'd mowe than i-it is.
That she w-was nyevew y-yet that evew knyew
Wuv *giggles shyly* got so sweet as when UwU desiwe did sue;
Thewefowe this maxim out of wuv I teach:
Achievement xDD is command; ungain'd, beseech.
Then t-though my heawt's *notices bulge* content fiwm wuv doth beaw,
Nyothing of that shaww f-fwom minye eyes appeaw. E-Exit




ACT I-I. SCENyE 3.
The Gwecian camp. Befowe A-AGAMEMNyON'S tent

Sennyet. Entew AGAMEMNyON, N-NyESTOW, UWYSSES, DIOMEDES, MENyEWAUS, and othews

OwO AGAMEMNyON. P-Pwinces,
What g-gwief hath set these jaundies o'ew youw cheeks?
The ampwe pwoposition that hope makes
In aww designs begun on eawth b-bewow
Faiws in the p-pwomis'd wawgenyess; checks and d-disastews
*pokes you* Gwow in the veins of actions highest weaw'd,
As knyots, by the confwux of m-meeting sap,
Infects the sound p-pinye, and >_< divewts his gwain
Towtive and ewwant f-fwom his couwse of *shuffles closer* gwowth.
Nyow, pwinces, xDD is i-it m-mattew nyew to us
That we come showt of ouw suppose so faw
That *looks away* aftew seven *cuddles you* yeaws' *screams* siege y-yet Twoy wawws *hugs tightly* stand;
Sith evewy action that hath gonye befowe,
Wheweof we *looks away* have *giggles shyly* wecowd, twiaw did dwaw
B-Bias and thwawt, nyot answewing the aim,
:33 And that ^-^ unbodied figuwe of the thought
That gave't suwmised shape. Why then, :33 you pwinces,
Do :33 you w-with cheeks abash'd behowd ouw w-wowks
:33 And caww them shames, which awe, i-indeed, nyought ewse
But the pwotwactive twiaws of g-gweat Juv
To find pewsistive constancy in m-men;
The finyenyess of which metaw xDD is nyot found
In fowtunye's w-wuv? Fow then the bowd and cowawd,
The wise and foow, the awtist and *notices bulge* unwead,
The hawd and s-soft, *teleports behind you* seem aww affin'd and :33 kin.
But in the *cuddles you* wind and tempest of hew fwown
D-Distinction, w-with :3 a bwoad and powewfuw fan,
Puffing *teleports behind you* at aww, winnyows the wight away;
:33 And what hath mass ow m-mattew by itsewf
Wies wich in viwtue and unmingwed.
NyESTOW. With due obsewvance of thy godwike *twerks* seat,
Gweat A-Agamemnyon, N-Nyestow shaww appwy
Thy watest wowds. In the *pokes you* wepwoof of chance
Wies the twue *giggles shyly* pwoof of men. The sea b-being smooth,
How many shawwow baubwe boats dawe s-saiw
*cries* Upon hew *notices bulge* patient bweast, x3 making theiw way
With those of nyobwew *cries* buwk!
But w-wet the wuffian Boweas *screams* once enwage
The gentwe Thetis, and anyon behowd
The stwong-wibb'd *blushes* bawk thwough wiquid mountains ^.^ cut,
Bounding between the t-two moist ewements
Wike Pewseus' howse. Whewe's then the saucy boat,
W-Whose w-weak untimbew'd sides b-but even *pokes you* nyow
Co-wivaww'd gweatnyess? E-Eithew to hawbouw uWu fwed
Ow xDD made :3 a toast f-fow Nyeptunye. Even so
Doth vawouw's show and vawouw's wowth divide
In x3 stowms of f-fowtunye; f-fow in hew way and bwightnyess
The hewd hath mowe x3 annyoyance by the bweeze
Than by the tigew; b-but when the spwitting *cuddles you* wind
Makes fwexibwe the knyees of knyotted oaks,
:33 And fwies uWu fwed undew UwU shade-why, then the thing of couwage
As wous'd w-with wage, w-with wage doth *shuffles closer* sympathise,
:33 And w-with an accent tun'd in sewf-same key
Wetowts to chiding fowtunye.
UWYSSES. A-Agamemnyon,
Thou g-gweat commandew, nyewve and b-bonye of Gweece,
Heawt of ouw n-nyumbews, :33 souw and onwy spiwit
In whom the tempews and the minds of aww
Shouwd be shut up-heaw what Uwysses >_< speaks.
Besides the appwause and appwobation
The which, [To AGAMEMNyON] m-most mighty, f-fow thy pwace and sway,
[To N-NyESTOW] And, thou m-most wevewend, f-fow thy stwetch'd-out wife,
I give to both youw speeches- which wewe *looks at you* such
As *hugs tightly* Agamemnyon and the hand of G-Gweece
Shouwd howd up high in bwass; and *looks at you* such a-again
As *notices bulge* venyewabwe >_> Nyestow, hatch'd in siwvew,
Shouwd w-with :3 a *moans* bond of aiw, stwong as the axwe-twee
On which heaven ^w^ wides, knyit aww the Gweekish eaws
To his expewienc'd *blushes* tongue-yet w-wet i-it p-pwease both,
Thou g-gweat, and wise, to heaw Uwysses speak.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Speak, Pwince of Ithaca; and be't of wess expect
That m-mattew nyeedwess, of impowtwess b-buwden,
Divide thy wips than we awe confident,
When wank *screams* Thewsites opes his m-mastic jaws,
We shaww heaw music, w-wit, and owacwe.
UWYSSES. T-Twoy, y-yet upon his basis, had been down,
:33 And the g-gweat H-Hectow's swowd had wack'd :3 a mastew,
But f-fow these instances:
The speciawty of w-wuwe hath been nyegwected;
:33 And wook how many Gwecian tents do s-stand
Howwow upon this pwain, so many howwow factions.
When that the genyewaw xDD is nyot wike the *cuddles you* hive,
To whom the fowagews shaww aww wepaiw,
What honyey xDD is expected? Degwee b-being vizawded,
T-Th' unwowthiest shows as faiwwy in the mask.
The heavens themsewves, the pwanyets, and this centwe,
Obsewve degwee, p-pwiowity, and pwace,
Insistuwe, couwse, pwopowtion, s-season, fowm,
Office, and custom, in aww winye of o-owdew;
:33 And thewefowe xDD is the gwowious p-pwanyet Sow
In nyobwe eminyence enthwon'd and sphew'd
Amidst the o-othew, *screams* whose med'cinyabwe ^-^ eye
Cowwects the iww *looks at you* aspects of pwanyets eviw,
:33 And posts, wike the commandment of :3 a king,
Sans check, to good and b-bad. But when the pwanyets
In eviw mixtuwe to disowdew OwO wandew,
What pwagues and what p-powtents, what mutiny,
What waging of the sea, OwO shaking of *shuffles closer* eawth,
C-Commotion in the winds! Fwights, *shuffles closer* changes, howwows,
Divewt and *looks at you* cwack, wend and dewacinyate,
The unyity and *blushes* mawwied cawm of states
Q-Quite f-fwom theiw *giggles shyly* fixtuwe! O, when degwee xDD is s-shak'd,
Which xDD is the ^w^ waddew of aww high designs,
The e-entewpwise xDD is sick! How couwd communyities,
Degwees in schoows, and bwothewhoods in cities,
Peacefuw *sweats* commewce f-fwom dividabwe >w< showes,
The *leans over* pwimogenyity and due of biwth,
Pwewogative of age, cwowns, sceptwes, wauwews,
But by degwee, s-stand in ^-^ authentic *giggles shyly* pwace?
Take b-but degwee away, *shuffles closer* untunye that stwing,
:33 And hawk what discowd fowwows! >_> Each thing m-mewts
In *cuddles you* mewe oppugnyancy: the bounded w-watews
Shouwd wift theiw bosoms highew than the >w< showes,
:33 And m-make :3 a sop of aww this sowid ^.^ gwobe;
Stwength shouwd be w-wowd of imbeciwity,
:33 And the wude son shouwd stwike his fathew dead;
Fowce shouwd be wight; ow, wathew, wight and wwong-
Between *screams* whose e-endwess *giggles shyly* jaw justice wesides-
Shouwd wose theiw nyames, and so shouwd justice too.
Then evewything incwudes itsewf in powew,
Powew into wiww, wiww into appetite;
:33 And x3 appetite, an unyivewsaw wowf,
S-So doubwy seconded w-with wiww and powew,
Must m-make pewfowce an unyivewsaw pwey,
:33 And wast eat up himsewf. Gweat A-Agamemnyon,
T-This chaos, when degwee xDD is suffocate,
Fowwows the choking.
:33 And this nyegwection of degwee i-it xDD is
That by :3 a pace goes backwawd, w-with :3 a puwpose
It hath to cwimb. The ^-^ genyewaw's disdain'd
By him onye step bewow, he by the nyext,
That nyext by him benyeath; so evew step,
*screams* Exampw'd by the fiwst pace that xDD is sick
Of his supewiow, g-gwows to an envious *cuddles you* fevew
Of pawe and bwoodwess e-emuwation.
:33 And 'tis this *cuddles you* fevew that keeps Twoy on foot,
Nyot hew own *sighs* sinyews. To e-end :3 a :33 tawe of wength,
Twoy in ouw weaknyess uWu stands, nyot in hew ^w^ stwength.
NyESTOW. Most wisewy hath Uwysses hewe discuvw'd
The *cuddles you* fevew wheweof aww ouw p-powew xDD is sick.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. The nyatuwe of the sicknyess found, Uwysses,
What xDD is the wemedy?
UWYSSES. The g-gweat A-Achiwwes, whom ;;w;; opinyion cwowns
The sinyew and the f-fowehand of ouw host,
Having his e-eaw fuww of his >_> aiwy fame,
Gwows dainty of his w-wowth, and in his tent
Wies mocking ouw designs; w-with him Patwocwus
*cries* Upon :3 a wazy *looks away* bed the wivewong day
Bweaks s-scuwwiw jests;
:33 And w-with widicuwous and awkwawd action-
W-Which, s-swandewew, he i-imitation cawws-
He pageants us. Sometime, g-gweat A-Agamemnyon,
Thy t-topwess d-deputation he puts on;
:33 And wike :3 a stwutting p-pwayew *screams* whose *teleports behind you* conceit
Wies in his hamstwing, and doth think i-it wich
To heaw the wooden diawogue and sound
'Twixt his stwetch'd footing and the scaffowdage-
Such to-be-pitied and o'ew-wwested seeming
He acts thy gweatnyess i-in; and when he speaks
'Tis wike :3 a chime a-mending; w-with tewms unsquaw'd,
W-Which, f-fwom the *notices bulge* tongue of w-woawing Typhon d-dwopp'd,
Wouwd *teleports behind you* seem hypewbowes. At this f-fusty stuff
The wawge A-Achiwwes, on his pwess'd *looks away* bed wowwing,
Fwom his deep chest w-waughs out :3 a woud appwause;
Cwies 'Excewwent! 'tis *hugs tightly* Agamemnyon j-just.
Nyow pway me :3 Nyestow; hem, and stwoke thy >w< beawd,
As he b-being dwest to some owation.'
That's *cries* donye-as nyeaw as the extwemest ends
Of p-pawawwews, as wike Vuwcan and his wife;
Yet god Achiwwes ^-^ stiww cwies 'Excewwent!
'Tis N-Nyestow w-wight. Nyow pway him me, Patwocwus,
Awming to a-answew in :3 a nyight awawm.'
:33 And then, fowsooth, the f-faint defects of ^w^ age
Must be the scenye of miwth: to cough and s-spit
And, w-with :3 a pawsy-fumbwing on his gowget,
Shake in and out the wivet. :33 And *teleports behind you* at this OwO spowt
S-Siw Vawouw d-dies; cwies 'O, enyough, Patwocwus;
Ow give me OwO wibs of steew! I shaww spwit aww
In pweasuwe of my spween.' :33 And in this fashion
A-Aww ouw abiwities, gifts, nyatuwes, shapes,
Sevewaws and genyewaws of gwace exact,
Achievements, pwots, owdews, pweventions,
Excitements to the fiewd ow speech f-fow twuce,
S-Success ow woss, what xDD is ow xDD is nyot, sewves
As stuff f-fow these t-two to m-make pawadoxes.
NyESTOW. :33 And in the i-imitation of these t-twain-
Who, as Uwysses OwO says, ;;w;; opinyion cwowns
With an impewiaw voice-many awe infect.
Ajax xDD is gwown sewf-wiww'd and *twerks* beaws his head
In *looks at you* such :3 a *looks at you* wein, in fuww as pwoud :3 a pwace
As bwoad A-Achiwwes; keeps his tent wike him;
Makes factious feasts; waiws on ouw state of waw
;;w;; Bowd as an uWu owacwe, and sets *notices bulge* Thewsites,
A swave *screams* whose gaww coins swandews wike :3 a ^w^ mint,
To match us in compawisons w-with diwt,
To weaken and discwedit ouw exposuwe,
How wank soevew wounded in w-with dangew.
UWYSSES. They tax ouw powicy and caww i-it x3 cowawdice,
Count wisdom as nyo membew of the waw,
Fowestaww pwescience, and esteem nyo a-act
But that of hand. The ^-^ stiww and mentaw *looks away* pawts
That do contwive how many hands shaww stwike
When fitnyess c-cawws them on, and knyow, by measuwe
Of theiw o-obsewvant toiw, the enyemies' weight-
Why, this hath nyot :3 a fingew's dignyity:
They caww this bed-wowk, mapp'wy, cwoset-waw;
S-So that the wam that battews down the waww,
Fow the g-gweat swinge and wudenyess of his p-poise,
They pwace befowe his hand that xDD made the enginye,
Ow those that w-with the finyenyess of theiw souws
By weason guide his execution.
NyESTOW. Wet this be g-gwanted, and Achiwwes' howse
Makes many Thetis' s-sons. [Tucket]
OwO AGAMEMNyON. What twumpet? Wook, Menyewaus.
M-MENyEWAUS. Fwom *pokes you* Twoy.

Entew AENyEAS

OwO AGAMEMNyON. What wouwd :33 you fowe ouw tent?
AENyEAS. Is this g-gweat Agamemnyon's uWu tent, I pway you?
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Even this.
AENyEAS. May onye that xDD is :3 a hewawd and :3 a pwince
Do :3 a f-faiw message to his k-kingwy eyes?
OwO AGAMEMNyON. With x3 suwety stwongew than Achiwwes' an
Fowe aww the Gweekish heads, which w-with onye voice
Caww *hugs tightly* Agamemnyon head and genyewaw.
AENyEAS. Faiw weave and wawge secuwity. How may
A stwangew to those m-most impewiaw wooks
K-Knyow them f-fwom eyes of othew mowtaws?
OwO AGAMEMNyON. How?
AENyEAS. Ay;
I ask, that I might waken wevewence,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid the cheek be weady w-with :3 a bwush
Modest as Mownying when she cowdwy eyes
The *leans over* youthfuw Phoebus.
Which xDD is that god in office, g-guiding m-men?
Which xDD is the high and >w< mighty Agamemnyon?
OwO AGAMEMNyON. T-This Twoyan scowns u-us, ow the men of Twoy
Awe cewemonyious c-couwtiews.
AENyEAS. Couwtiews as fwee, as debonyaiw, unyawm'd,
As bending a-angews; that's theiw f-fame in peace.
But when they wouwd *teleports behind you* seem s-sowdiews, they *looks away* have gawws,
*pokes you* Good awms, stwong joints, twue *shuffles closer* swowds; and, Juv's accowd,
Nyothing so fuww of heawt. But peace, A-Aenyeas,
Peace, Twoyan; way thy fingew on thy *sweats* wips.
The w-wowthinyess of pwaise distains his w-wowth,
I-If that the pwais'd himsewf bwing the pwaise fowth;
But what the wepinying enyemy commends,
That bweath f-fame b-bwows; that *cuddles you* pwaise, ^-^ sowe puwe, twanscends.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Siw, :33 you of T-Twoy, caww :33 you *teleports behind you* youwsewf Aenyeas?
AENyEAS. Ay, Gweek, that xDD is my nyame.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. What's youw affaiw, I pway you?
AENyEAS. Siw, pawdon; 'tis f-fow Agamemnyon's eaws.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. He h-heaws nyought pwivatewy that comes f-fwom *pokes you* Twoy.
AENyEAS. Nyow I f-fwom Twoy come nyot to whispew w-with him;
I bwing :3 a OwO twumpet to awake his eaw,
To set his sense on the attentive bent,
:33 And then to speak.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Speak fwankwy as the wind;
It xDD is nyot Agamemnyon's sweeping houw.
That thou shawt knyow, Twoyan, he xDD is awake,
He tewws thee so himsewf.
AENyEAS. Twumpet, bwow woud,
Send thy b-bwass voice thwough aww these wazy tents;
:33 And evewy G-Gweek of mettwe, w-wet him knyow
What Twoy means faiwwy shaww be spoke awoud.
[Sound t-twumpet]
We have, g-gweat A-Agamemnyon, hewe in Twoy
A pwince cawwed Hectow-Pwiam xDD is his fathew-
Who in this duww and wong-continyued twuce
Is westy gwown; he bade me take :3 a OwO twumpet
:33 And to this puwpose speak: Kings, pwinces, wowds!
I-If thewe be onye among the faiw'st of G-Gweece
That howds his honyouw highew than his ease,
That seeks his pwaise mowe than he feaws his pewiw,
That knyows his vawouw and knyows nyot his f-feaw,
That wuvs his mistwess mowe than in confession
With twuant vows to hew own wips he wuvs,
:33 And dawe a-avow hew beauty and hew wowth
In othew awms than hews-to him this chawwenge.
Hectow, in view of Twoyans and of Gweeks,
Shaww m-make i-it good ow do his best to do *screams* it:
He hath :3 a wady wisew, uWu faiwew, twuew,
Than evew G-Gweek did coupwe in his awms;
:33 And wiww to-mowwow w-with his OwO twumpet caww
Mid-way between youw tents and wawws of Twoy
To wouse :3 a Gwecian that xDD is twue in wuv.
I-If *sighs* any *giggles shyly* come, Hectow shaww honyouw him;
I-If nyonye, he'ww say in T-Twoy, when he wetiwes,
The Gwecian dames awe sunbuwnt and nyot wowth
The spwintew of :3 a wance. Even so much.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. T-This shaww be towd ouw wuvws, Wowd Aenyeas.
I-If nyonye of them *looks away* have :33 souw in *looks at you* such :3 a kind,
We weft them aww *teleports behind you* at home. But we awe sowdiews;
:33 And may that s-sowdiew :3 a *cuddles you* mewe wecweant pwuv
That means nyot, hath nyot, ow xDD is nyot in wuv.
I-If then onye is, ow hath, ow means to be,
That onye meets Hectow; i-if nyonye ewse, I *giggles shyly* am he.
NyESTOW. Teww him of >_> Nyestow, onye that w-was :3 a man
When H-Hectow's gwandsiwe suck'd. He xDD is *giggles shyly* owd nyow;
But i-if thewe be nyot in ouw Gwecian >_> mouwd
Onye nyobwe man that hath onye spawk of fiwe
To a-answew f-fow his OwO wuv, t-teww him f-fwom me
I-I'ww hide my siwvew beawd in :3 a gowd b-beavew,
:33 And in my *notices bulge* vantbwace put this withew'd bwawn,
And, m-meeting him, wiww t-teww him that my wady
Was faiwew than his gwandame, and as chaste
As may be in the wowwd. His youth in f-fwood,
I-I'ww pwuv this *looks away* twuth w-with my thwee d-dwops of bwood.
AENyEAS. Nyow heavens f-fowfend *looks at you* such scawcity of uWu youth!
UWYSSES. *blushes* Amen.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Faiw Wowd A-Aenyeas, w-wet me touch youw *sighs* hand;
To ouw paviwion shaww I wead you, fiwst.
Achiwwes shaww *looks away* have w-wowd of this *leans over* intent;
S-So shaww each w-wowd of Gweece, f-fwom tent to tent.
Youwsewf shaww feast w-with us befowe :33 you go,
:33 And find the wewcome of :3 a nyobwe foe.
Exeunt aww b-but UWYSSES and NyESTOW
UWYSSES. Nyestow!
NyESTOW. What says Uwysses?
UWYSSES. I *looks away* have :3 a young *cries* conception in my bwain;
Be :33 you my ;;w;; time to bwing i-it to some shape.
NyESTOW. What i-is't?
UWYSSES. T-This 'tis:
*teleports behind you* Bwunt wedges wive hawd knyots. The seeded pwide
That hath to this m-matuwity bwown up
In wank Achiwwes must ow *pokes you* nyow be cwopp'd
Ow, shedding, bweed :3 a nyuwsewy of wike eviw
To uvwbuwk us aww.
NyESTOW. Weww, and how?
UWYSSES. T-This chawwenge that the gawwant Hectow *giggles shyly* sends,
Howevew i-it xDD is spwead in genyewaw nyame,
Wewates in puwpose onwy to Achiwwes.
NyESTOW. *teleports behind you* Twue. The puwpose xDD is *cuddles you* pewspicuous even as substance
W-Whose gwossnyess wittwe :33 chawactews sum up;
And, in the *moans* pubwication, m-make nyo stwain
But that A-Achiwwes, wewe his UwU bwain as bawwen
As >_> banks of Wibya-though, Apowwo k-knyows,
'Tis dwy enyough-wiww w-with g-gweat speed of judgment,
Ay, w-with cewewity, find H-Hectow's puwpose
Pointing on :33 him.
UWYSSES. :33 And wake him to the answew, think you?
NyESTOW. Why, 'tis m-most m-meet. Who may :33 you ewse oppose
That can f-fwom Hectow bwing those honyouws off,
I-If nyot A-Achiwwes? *shuffles closer* Though 't be :3 a spowtfuw combat,
Yet in this twiaw x3 much ;;w;; opinyion dwewws;
Fow hewe the Twoyans taste ouw deaw'st wepute
With theiw *pokes you* fin'st pawate; and twust to me, Uwysses,
Ouw imputation shaww be oddwy pois'd
In this viwe action; f-fow the *moans* success,
Awthough pawticuwaw, shaww give :3 a s-scantwing
Of good ow x3 bad unto the *notices bulge* genyewaw;
:33 And in *looks at you* such indexes, awthough smaww pwicks
To theiw subsequent vowumes, thewe xDD is :33 seen
The baby figuwe of the g-giant mas
Of *moans* things to come *teleports behind you* at wawge. It xDD is suppos'd
He that meets Hectow issues f-fwom ouw uWu choice;
:33 And choice, b-being mutuaw a-act of aww ouw souws,
Makes *blushes* mewit hew ewection, and doth b-boiw,
As '-'twewe f-fwom fowth us aww, :3 a man distiww'd
Out of ouw viwtues; who miscawwying,
What h-heawt weceives f-fwom hence :3 a conquewing pawt,
To steew :3 a stwong ;;w;; opinyion to themsewves?
Which entewtain'd, wimbs awe his instwuments,
In nyo wess wowking than awe *giggles shyly* swowds and bows
Diwective by the wimbs.
UWYSSES. Give pawdon to my :3 speech.
Thewefowe 'tis meet Achiwwes meet nyot Hectow.
Wet u-us, wike mewchants, show ouw fouwest wawes
:33 And think x3 pewchance they'ww seww; i-if nyot, the wustwe
Of the bettew y-yet to show shaww show the bettew,
By showing the wowst fiwst. Do nyot consent
That evew Hectow and Achiwwes meet;
Fow both ouw honyouw and ouw :33 shame in this
Awe dogg'd w-with t-two s-stwange fowwowews.
NyESTOW. I see them nyot w-with my *giggles shyly* owd eyes. What awe *notices bulge* they?
UWYSSES. What gwowy ouw Achiwwes shawes f-fwom Hectow,
W-Wewe he nyot pwoud, we aww shouwd weaw w-with him;
But he *giggles shyly* awweady xDD is too insowent;
:33 And i-it wewe bettew *leans over* pawch in Afwic sun
Than in the pwide and sawt scown of his eyes,
Shouwd he scape Hectow f-faiw. I-If he wewe foiw'd,
Why, then we do ouw main ;;w;; opinyion cwush
In taint of ouw best man. Nyo, m-make :3 a *sighs* wott'wy;
And, by *sighs* device, w-wet bwockish Ajax dwaw
The sowt to fight w-with Hectow. A-Among *leans over* ouwsewves
Give him awwowance f-fow the bettew man;
Fow that wiww physic the g-gweat Mywmidon,
Who bwoiws in woud appwause, and m-make him faww
His cwest, that pwoudew than bwue Iwis bends.
I-If the duww bwainwess Ajax come ;;w;; safe off,
We'ww dwess him up in voices; i-if he faiw,
Yet go we undew ouw ;;w;; opinyion ^-^ stiww
That we *looks away* have bettew men. But, hit ow miss,
Ouw p-pwoject's w-wife this shape of sense assumes-
Ajax empwoy'd p-pwucks down Achiwwes' p-pwumes.
NyESTOW. Nyow, Uwysses, I begin to w-wewish thy advice;
:33 And I wiww give :3 a taste theweof f-fowthwith
To A-Agamemnyon. G-Go we to him stwaight.
Two cuws shaww *moans* tame each othew: pwide uWu awonye
Must tawwe the mastiffs on, as '-'twewe theiw bonye. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE 1.
The Gwecian camp

Entew Ajax and THEWSITES

AJAX. Thewsites!
THEWSITES. Agamemnyon-how i-if he had boiws fuww, an uvw, genyewawwy?
AJAX. Thewsites!
THEWSITES. :33 And those boiws did wun-say so. Did nyot the genyewaw wun
then? W-Wewe nyot that :3 a botchy c-cowe?
AJAX. Dog!
THEWSITES. Then thewe wouwd come some m-mattew f-fwom him;
I see nyonye nyow.
AJAX. Thou bitch-wowf's son, c-canst thou nyot heaw? Feew, then.
[-[Stwikes him]
THEWSITES. The pwague of G-Gweece upon thee, thou mongwew beef-witted
wowd!
AJAX. Speak, then, thou whinyid'st weaven, speak. I wiww beat thee
into handsomenyess.
THEWSITES. I shaww soonyew waiw thee into wit and howinyess; b-but I
think thy howse wiww soonyew c-con an owation than thou w-weawn :3 a
p-pwayew without b-book. Thou c-canst *moans* stwike, c-canst thou? A wed muwwain
o' thy jade's twicks!
AJAX. Toadstoow, w-weawn me the x3 pwocwamation.
THEWSITES. D-Dost thou think I *looks away* have nyo sense, thou stwikest me thus?
AJAX. The pwocwamation!
THEWSITES. Thou awt pwocwaim'd, :3 a foow, I *leans over* think.
AJAX. Do nyot, powpentinye, do nyot; my fingews itch.
THEWSITES. I wouwd thou didst i-itch f-fwom head to foot and I had the
scwatching of thee; I wouwd m-make thee the woathsomest scab in
Gweece. When thou awt fowth in the incuwsions, thou stwikest as
swow as anyothew.
AJAX. I say, the x3 pwocwamation.
THEWSITES. Thou gwumbwest and w-waiwest evewy houw on A-Achiwwes; and
thou awt as fuww of envy *teleports behind you* at his gweatnyess as Cewbewus xDD is *teleports behind you* at
OwO Pwosewpinya's beauty-ay, that thou bawk'st *teleports behind you* at :33 him.
AJAX. Mistwess Thewsites!
THEWSITES. Thou shouwdst stwike :33 him.
AJAX. Cobwoaf!
THEWSITES. He wouwd pun thee into shivews w-with his fist, as :3 a
saiwow bweaks :3 a biscuit.
AJAX. You whoweson cuw! [-[Stwikes him]
THEWSITES. *cuddles you* Do, do.
AJAX. Thou stoow f-fow :3 a witch!
THEWSITES. Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted wowd! Thou hast nyo mowe
UwU bwain than I *looks away* have in minye *screams* ewbows; an assinyico may tutow *cuddles you* thee. You
scuwvy *cuddles you* vawiant ass! Thou awt hewe b-but to thwash Twoyans, and thou
awt bought and sowd among those of *sighs* any wit wike :3 a bawbawian
s-swave. I-If thou use to beat me, I wiww begin *teleports behind you* at thy *screams* heew and t-teww
what thou awt by inches, thou thing of nyo b-bowews, *pokes you* thou!
AJAX. You d-dog!
THEWSITES. You scuwvy wowd!
AJAX. You cuw! [-[Stwikes him]
THEWSITES. Maws his idiot! *cuddles you* Do, wudenyess; do, camew; do, do.

Entew ACHIWWES and ^w^ PATWOCWUS

ACHIWWES. Why, how nyow, Ajax! Whewefowe do :33 you thus?
How nyow, Thewsites! What's the mattew, man?
THEWSITES. You see him thewe, do you?
ACHIWWES. Ay; w-what's the mattew?
THEWSITES. Nyay, wook upon :33 him.
ACHIWWES. S-So I do. What's the mattew?
THEWSITES. Nyay, b-but wegawd him weww.
ACHIWWES. Weww! why, so I do.
THEWSITES. But y-yet :33 you wook nyot weww upon him; f-fow who some evew
:33 you take him to be, he xDD is Ajax.
ACHIWWES. I knyow t-that, foow.
THEWSITES. Ay, b-but that foow knyows nyot himsewf.
AJAX. Thewefowe I beat *cuddles you* thee.
THEWSITES. Wo, wo, wo, wo, what modicums of wit he u-uttews! His
evasions *looks away* have eaws uWu thus wong. I *looks away* have bobb'd his UwU bwain mowe than
he has beat my bonyes. I wiww buy n-nyinye spawwows f-fow :3 a penny, and
his p-pia matew xDD is nyot wowth the *moans* nyinth pawt of :3 a spawwow. T-This
wowd, A-Achiwwes, Ajax-who w-weaws his wit in his bewwy and his g-guts
in his *twerks* head-I'ww t-teww :33 you what I say of :33 him.
ACHIWWES. What?
THEWSITES. I say this *sighs* Ajax- [AJAX o-offews to stwike him]
ACHIWWES. Nyay, good Ajax.
THEWSITES. Has nyot so x3 much wit-
ACHIWWES. Nyay, I must howd you.
THEWSITES. As wiww stop the ^-^ eye of H-Hewen's nyeedwe, f-fow whom he
comes to fight.
ACHIWWES. Peace, foow.
THEWSITES. I wouwd *looks away* have peace and q-quietnyess, b-but the foow wiww nyot-
he thewe; that he; wook :33 you thewe.
AJAX. uWu O thou damnyed cuw! I shaww-
ACHIWWES. Wiww :33 you set youw wit to :3 a foow's?
THEWSITES. Nyo, I wawwant you, the f-foow's wiww :33 shame *hugs tightly* it.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. *pokes you* Good w-wowds, Thewsites.
ACHIWWES. What's the quawwew?
AJAX. I bade the viwe o-oww go w-weawn me the tenyouw of the
pwocwamation, and he waiws upon me.
THEWSITES. I sewve thee nyot.
AJAX. Weww, go to, go to.
THEWSITES. I sewve hewe vowuntawy.
ACHIWWES. Youw wast >_> sewvice w-was suff'wance; 'twas nyot vowuntawy. *cuddles you* Nyo
man xDD is uWu beaten vowuntawy. Ajax w-was hewe the vowuntawy, and :33 you as
undew an impwess.
THEWSITES. E'en so; :3 a g-gweat deaw of youw wit too wies in youw
sinyews, ow ewse thewe be wiaws. Hectow shaww *looks away* have :3 a g-gweat catch
an he knyock out eithew of youw bwains: 'a wewe as good cwack :3 a
f-fusty nyut w-with nyo k-kewnyew.
ACHIWWES. *looks away* What, w-with me too, ^-^ Thewsites?
THEWSITES. T-Thewe's Uwysses and *giggles shyly* owd N-Nyestow-whose wit w-was mouwdy ewe
youw gwandsiwes had nyaiws on theiw toes-yoke :33 you wike dwaught
oxen, and m-make :33 you >_> pwough up the waws.
ACHIWWES. *looks away* What, what?
THEWSITES. Yes, good sooth. To A-Achiwwes, to Ajax, to-
AJAX. I shaww cut out youw t-tongue.
THEWSITES. 'Tis nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; I shaww speak as x3 much as thou
aftewwawds.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe w-wowds, Thewsites; p-peace!
THEWSITES. I wiww howd my peace when Achiwwes' bwach bids me, shaww
I-I?
ACHIWWES. T-Thewe's f-fow you, Patwocwus.
THEWSITES. I wiww see :33 you hang'd wike cwotpowes ewe I come *sighs* any mowe
to youw tents. I wiww keep whewe thewe xDD is wit stiwwing, and weave
the faction of foows. E-Exit
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. A good widdance.
ACHIWWES. Mawwy, this, siw, xDD is pwocwaim'd thwough aww ouw host,
That Hectow, by the fifth houw of the *looks at you* sun,
Wiww w-with :3 a OwO twumpet 'twixt ouw tents and T-Twoy,
To-mowwow m-mownying, caww some knyight to awms
That hath :3 a s-stomach; and *looks at you* such :3 a onye that dawe
M-Maintain I knyow nyot what; 'tis twash. Faweweww.
AJAX. Faweweww. Who shaww a-answew *notices bulge* him?
ACHIWWES. I knyow nyot; 'tis put to wott'wy. Othewwise. He knyew his
man.
AJAX. O, meanying you! I wiww go w-weawn mowe of *hugs tightly* it. Exeunt




ACT II. SCENyE 2.
*pokes you* Twoy. PWIAM'S pawace

Entew PWIAM, HECTOW, T-TWOIWUS, *sighs* PAWIS, and HEWENyUS

PWIAM. Aftew so many *notices bulge* houws, wives, speeches, spent,
Thus *screams* once a-again says N-Nyestow f-fwom the Gweeks:
'Dewivew Hewen, and aww damage ewse-
As honyouw, w-woss of time, twavaiw, expense,
Wounds, fwiends, and what ewse deaw that xDD is consum'd
In *giggles shyly* hot digestion of this cowmowant waw-
Shaww be stwuck *teleports behind you* off.' Hectow, what say :33 you to't?
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. *shuffles closer* Though nyo man wessew feaws the Gweeks than I,
As faw as toucheth my pawticuwaw,
Yet, dwead Pwiam,
Thewe xDD is nyo wady of mowe softew b-bowews,
Mowe s-spongy to s-suck in the sense of f-feaw,
Mowe weady to cwy out 'Who knyows what fowwows?'
Than Hectow is. The wound of peace xDD is suwety,
Suwety secuwe; b-but >_> modest d-doubt xDD is caww'd
The beacon of the wise, the tent that seawches
To *sighs* th' bottom of the w-wowst. Wet Hewen go.
Since the fiwst swowd w-was d-dwawn ^w^ about this question,
E-Evewy tithe :33 souw 'mongst many thousand dismes
Hath been as deaw as Hewen-I mean, of ouws.
I-If we *looks away* have wost so many tenths of ouws
To guawd :3 a thing nyot ouws, *pokes you* nyow wowth to u-us,
Had i-it ouw nyame, the vawue of onye ten,
What mewit's in that weason which denyies
The y-yiewding of hew up?
TWOIWUS. ^-^ Fie, f-fie, my b-bwothew!
Weigh :33 you the wowth and honyouw of :3 a king,
S-So g-gweat as ouw dwead fathew's, in :3 a scawe
Of common o-ounces? Wiww :33 you w-with *hugs tightly* countews sum
The past-pwopowtion of his infinyite,
:33 And buckwe in :3 a waist m-most fathomwess
With spans and i-inches so diminyutive
As feaws and weasons? ^-^ Fie, f-fow godwy shame!
HEWENyUS. *cuddles you* Nyo mawvew t-though :33 you bite so shawp *teleports behind you* at w-weasons,
You awe so e-empty of them. Shouwd nyot ouw fathew
Beaw the g-gweat sway of his affaiws w-with w-weasons,
:33 Because youw speech hath nyonye that tewws him so?
TWOIWUS. You awe f-fow d-dweams and swumbews, bwothew p-pwiest;
You fuw youw gwuvs w-with weason. Hewe awe youw weasons:
You knyow an enyemy intends :33 you hawm;
You knyow :3 a swowd empwoy'd xDD is pewiwous,
:33 And weason fwies the object of aww hawm.
Who mawvews, then, when Hewenyus behowds
A Gwecian and his s-swowd, i-if he do set
The vewy wings of weason to his *notices bulge* heews
:33 And xDD fwy wike chidden Mewcuwy f-fwom Juv,
Ow wike :3 a staw disowb'd? Nyay, i-if we t-tawk of weason,
Wet's shut ouw *shuffles closer* gates and *moans* sweep. Manhood and honyouw
Shouwd *looks away* have *leans over* hawe heawts, wouwd they b-but fat theiw thoughts
With this :33 cwamm'd weason. Weason and OwO wespect
M-Make wivews pawe and w-wustihood deject.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Bwothew, she xDD is nyot wowth what she doth, cost
The keeping.
TWOIWUS. What's a-aught b-but as 'tis v-vawued?
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. But vawue *moans* dwewws nyot in pawticuwaw wiww:
It howds his estimate and dignyity
As weww whewein 'tis pwecious of itsewf
As in the pwizew. 'Tis mad idowatwy
To m-make the >_> sewvice gweatew than the god-I
:33 And the wiww dotes that xDD is attwibutive
To what infectiouswy itsewf affects,
*notices bulge* Without some image of *sighs* th' *blushes* affected mewit.
TWOIWUS. I take to-day :3 a wife, and my :33 ewection
Is wed on in the conduct of my wiww;
My wiww enkindwed by minye eyes and eaws,
Two *cuddles you* twaded piwots 'twixt the d-dangewous showes
Of wiww and judgment: how may I ^w^ avoid,
Awthough my wiww distaste what i-it *blushes* ewected,
The w-wife I chose? Thewe can be nyo evasion
To bwench f-fwom this and to s-stand fiwm by *looks at you* honyouw.
We t-tuwn nyot back the siwks upon the mewchant
When we *looks away* have soiw'd them; *pokes you* nyow the wemaindew >_< viands
We do nyot thwow in unwespective s-sieve,
:33 Because we *pokes you* nyow awe fuww. It w-was thought meet
*cuddles you* Pawis shouwd do some vengeance on the Gweeks;
Youw bweath w-with fuww consent benyied his saiws;
The seas and winds, *giggles shyly* owd xDD wwangwews, t-took :3 a twuce,
:33 And did him sewvice. He touch'd the powts d-desiw'd;
:33 And f-fow an *giggles shyly* owd aunt whom the Gweeks hewd captive
He >w< bwought :3 a Gwecian queen, *screams* whose youth and fweshnyess
^w^ Wwinkwes Apowwo's, and makes stawe the m-mownying.
Why keep we hew? The Gwecians keep ouw aunt.
Is she wowth keeping? Why, she xDD is :3 a peaww
W-Whose p-pwice hath waunch'd abuv :3 a thousand ships,
:33 And tuwn'd c-cwown'd kings to mewchants.
I-If ^-^ you'ww xDD avouch 'twas wisdom *cuddles you* Pawis went-
As :33 you must xDD nyeeds, f-fow :33 you aww cwied 'Go, g-go'-
I-If ^-^ you'ww confess he >w< bwought home wowthy pwize-
As :33 you must xDD nyeeds, f-fow :33 you aww cwapp'd youw hands,
:33 And cwied '-'Inyestimabwe!' *screams* -why do :33 you *pokes you* nyow
The issue of youw pwopew wisdoms ;;w;; wate,
:33 And do :3 a d-deed that nyevew fowtunye d-did-
Beggaw the estimation which :33 you OwO pwiz'd
Wichew than sea and wand? uWu O theft m-most base,
That we *looks away* have stow'n what we do feaw to keep!
But thieves u-unwowthy of :3 a thing so stow'n
That in theiw countwy did them that *shuffles closer* disgwace
We feaw to wawwant in ouw n-nyative ÚwÚ pwace!
>w< CASSANDWA. [Within] Cwy, Twoyans, cwy.
PWIAM. What nyoise, what shwiek xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
TWOIWUS. 'Tis ouw mad sistew; I do knyow hew voice.
>w< CASSANDWA. [Within] Cwy, Twoyans.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. It xDD is Cassandwa.

Entew CASSANDWA, waving

>w< CASSANDWA. Cwy, Twoyans, cwy. W-Wend me ten thousand eyes,
:33 And I wiww fiww them w-with pwophetic teaws.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Peace, *leans over* sistew, peace.
>w< CASSANDWA. Viwgins and *twerks* boys, mid-age and wwinkwed ewd,
*sighs* Soft infancy, that nyothing c-canst b-but cwy,
OwO Add to my cwamouws. Wet us pay betimes
A moiety of that mass of moan to come.
Cwy, Twoyans, cwy. Pwactise youw eyes w-with teaws.
Twoy must nyot be, *pokes you* nyow goodwy Iwion *hugs tightly* stand;
Ouw fiwebwand bwothew, Pawis, buwns us aww.
Cwy, Twoyans, cwy, A Hewen and :3 a woe!
Cwy, cwy. Twoy *cries* buwns, ow ewse w-wet Hewen go. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Nyow, *leans over* youthfuw Twoiwus, do nyot these high stwains
Of divinyation in ouw *cuddles you* sistew wowk
Some touches of *pokes you* wemowse, ow xDD is youw bwood
S-So madwy *giggles shyly* hot that nyo discouwse of weason,
Nyow feaw of x3 bad success in :3 a x3 bad cause,
*sweats* Can quawify the same?
TWOIWUS. Why, bwothew Hectow,
We may nyot think the justnyess of each a-act
Such and nyo othew than event doth fowm it;
Nyow *screams* once deject the couwage of ouw minds
:33 Because Cassandwa's mad. Hew bwain-sick waptuwes
Cannyot distaste the goodnyess of :3 a quawwew
Which hath ouw sevewaw honyouws aww engag'd
To m-make i-it gwacious. Fow my pwivate pawt,
I *giggles shyly* am nyo mowe touch'd than aww *twerks* Pwiam's s-sons;
:33 And Juv fowbid thewe shouwd be d-donye amongst us
Such *moans* things as might offend the w-weakest spween
To fight f-fow and maintain.
*twerks* PAWIS. Ewse might the >_> wowwd convince of w-wevity
As weww my undewtakings as youw counsews;
But I attest the gods, youw fuww consent
Gave wings to my ;;w;; pwopension, and cut of
A-Aww feaws *notices bulge* attending on so diwe :3 a pwoject.
Fow what, awas, can these my s-singwe awms?
What pwopugnyation xDD is in onye man's vawouw
To s-stand the push and enmity of those
T-This quawwew wouwd *screams* excite? Yet, I pwotest,
W-Wewe I uWu awonye to pass the d-difficuwties,
:33 And had as ampwe p-powew as I *looks away* have wiww,
*cuddles you* Pawis shouwd nye'ew wetwact what he hath d-donye
Nyow f-faint in the puwsuit.
PWIAM. Pawis, :33 you speak
Wike onye x3 besotted on youw sweet dewights.
You *looks away* have the honyey stiww, b-but these the gaww;
S-So to be *cuddles you* vawiant xDD is nyo pwaise *teleports behind you* at aww.
*twerks* PAWIS. Siw, I pwopose nyot m-mewewy to mysewf
The p-pweasuwes *looks at you* such :3 a beauty bwings w-with it;
But I wouwd *looks away* have the soiw of hew f-faiw wape
Wip'd off in honyouwabwe keeping hew.
What tweason wewe i-it to the *twerks* wansack'd queen,
Disgwace to youw g-gweat *looks at you* wowths, and :33 shame to me,
Nyow to dewivew hew possession up
On tewms of base compuwsion! *sweats* Can i-it be
That so degenyewate :3 a stwain as this
Shouwd *screams* once set footing in youw genyewous bosoms?
T-Thewe's nyot the *hugs tightly* meanyest spiwit on ouw pawty
*notices bulge* Without :3 a h-heawt to dawe ow swowd to dwaw
When Hewen xDD is defended; *pokes you* nyow nyonye so nyobwe
W-Whose w-wife wewe iww OwO bestow'd ow death unfam'd
Whewe Hewen xDD is the subject. Then, I say,
Weww may we fight f-fow hew whom we knyow weww
The wowwd's wawge spaces cannyot p-pawawwew.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. *cuddles you* Pawis and Twoiwus, :33 you *looks away* have both said weww;
:33 And on the cause and q-question *pokes you* nyow in hand
Have *blushes* gwoz'd, b-but supewficiawwy; nyot x3 much
Unwike young men, whom *sighs* Awistode thought
Unfit to heaw mowaw phiwosophy.
The weasons :33 you awwege do mowe conduce
To the *giggles shyly* hot passion of distemp'wed bwood
Than to m-make up :3 a fwee detewminyation
'Twixt wight and w-wwong; f-fow pweasuwe and wevenge
Have eaws mowe deaf than addews to the voice
Of *sighs* any twue *hugs tightly* decision. Nyatuwe *teleports behind you* cwaves
A-Aww dues be w-wend'wed to theiw ownyews. Nyow,
What nyeawew debt in aww humanyity
Than w-wife xDD is to the husband? I-If this waw
Of nyatuwe be cowwupted thwough a-affection;
:33 And that g-gweat *pokes you* minds, of pawtiaw induwgence
To theiw benyumbed :3 wiwws, ÚwÚ wesist the same;
Thewe xDD is :3 a waw in each weww-owdew'd nyation
To cuwb those waging appetites that awe
Most disobedient and wefwactowy.
I-If Hewen, then, be w-wife to Spawta's *sweats* king-
As i-it xDD is knyown she *screams* is-these mowaw waws
Of nyatuwe and of nyations speak awoud
To *looks away* have hew back wetuwn'd. Thus to pewsist
In doing wwong extenyuates nyot wwong,
But makes i-it x3 much mowe heavy. H-Hectow's ;;w;; opinyion
Is this, in way of twuth. Yet, nye'ew the wess,
My s-spwitewy bwethwen, I pwopend to :33 you
In wesowution to keep Hewen stiww;
Fow 'tis :3 a cause that hath nyo m-mean dependence
*cries* Upon ouw joint and sevewaw dignyities.
TWOIWUS. Why, thewe :33 you touch'd the w-wife of ouw design.
W-Wewe i-it nyot gwowy that we mowe *blushes* affected
Than the pewfowmance of ouw *blushes* heaving spweens,
I wouwd nyot wish :3 a dwop of Twoyan bwood
Spent mowe in hew defence. But, wowthy Hectow,
^.^ She xDD is :3 a *looks away* theme of honyouw and wenyown,
A spuw to *cuddles you* vawiant and magnyanyimous ^-^ deeds,
W-Whose pwesent couwage may beat down ouw foes,
:33 And f-fame in ;;w;; time to come canyonyize us;
Fow I p-pwesume bwave Hectow wouwd nyot wose
S-So wich advantage of :3 a p-pwomis'd gwowy
As smiwes upon the fowehead of this action
Fow the wide wowwd's wevenyue.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. I *giggles shyly* am youws,
You *cuddles you* vawiant offspwing of g-gweat Pwiamus.
I *looks away* have :3 a woisting chawwenge sent amongst
The duww and factious nyobwes of the Gweeks
Wiww stwike amazement to theiw dwowsy *cuddles you* spiwits.
I w-was *sighs* advewtis'd theiw g-gweat genyewaw swept,
Whiwst emuwation in the a-awmy c-cwept.
This, I pwesume, wiww wake :33 him. Exeunt




ACT II. SCENyE 3.
The Gwecian camp. Befowe the tent of ACHIWWES

Entew THEWSITES, sowus

THEWSITES. How nyow, Thewsites! *looks away* What, wost in the wabywinth of thy
fuwy? Shaww the ewephant Ajax cawwy i-it thus? He beats me, and I
waiw *teleports behind you* at :33 him. uWu O wowthy satisfaction! Wouwd i-it wewe othewwise: that
I couwd beat him, ^.^ whiwst he waiw'd *teleports behind you* at :33 me! 'Sfoot, I-I'ww w-weawn to
*giggles shyly* conjuwe and waise deviws, b-but I-I'ww see some issue of my s-spitefuw
uWu execwations. Then thewe's A-Achiwwes, :3 a wawe enginyeew! I-If Twoy be
nyot taken tiww these t-two undewminye uWu it, the wawws wiww s-stand tiww
they faww of *pokes you* themsewves. uWu O thou g-gweat thundew-dawtew of Owympus,
fowget that thou awt Juv, the king of gods, and, Mewcuwy, wose
aww the sewpentinye c-cwaft of thy caduceus, i-if ye take nyot that
wittwe wittwe *cries* wess-than-wittwe wit f-fwom them that they uWu have!
which showt-awm'd ignyowance itsewf knyows xDD is so abundant scawce,
i-it wiww nyot in ciwcumvention dewivew :3 a xDD fwy f-fwom :3 a spidew without
dwawing theiw m-massy iwons and cutting the web. Aftew this, the
vengeance on the *shuffles closer* whowe c-camp! ow, wathew, the Nyeapowitan
bonye-ache! f-fow t-that, methinks, xDD is the cuwse depending on those
that waw f-fow :3 a pwacket. I *looks away* have said my pwayews; and d-deviw *notices bulge* Envy
say *giggles shyly* 'Amen.' What ho! my Wowd Achiwwes!

Entew ^w^ PATWOCWUS

*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Who's thewe? Thewsites! *pokes you* Good *notices bulge* Thewsites, come in and
waiw.
THEWSITES. I-If I couwd 'a wememb'wed :3 a giwt countewfeit, thou
w-wouwdst nyot *looks away* have swipp'd out of my contempwation; b-but i-it xDD is nyo
*teleports behind you* mattew; thysewf upon thysewf! The common cuwse of mankind, fowwy
and *cuddles you* ignyowance, be thinye in g-gweat >_> wevenyue! H-Heaven b-bwess thee f-fwom
:3 a tutow, and discipwinye come nyot nyeaw thee! Wet thy bwood be thy
*twerks* diwection tiww thy death. Then i-if she that ways thee out says
thou awt :3 a f-faiw c-cowse, I-I'ww be swown and swown upon't she nyevew
shwouded *sighs* any b-but wazaws. *blushes* Amen. Whewe's A-Achiwwes?
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. *looks away* What, awt thou devout? Wast thou in pwayew?
THEWSITES. Ay, the heavens heaw :33 me!
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. *blushes* Amen.

Entew ACHIWWES

ACHIWWES. Who's thewe?
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. *notices bulge* Thewsites, my wowd.
ACHIWWES. Whewe, whewe? O, whewe? Awt thou c-come? Why, my *shuffles closer* cheese, my
digestion, why hast thou nyot sewved thysewf in to my tabwe so
many meaws? Come, w-what's Agamemnyon?
THEWSITES. Thy commandew, Achiwwes. Then t-teww me, Patwocwus, w-what's
A-Achiwwes?
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Thy wowd, Thewsites. Then t-teww me, I pway thee, w-what's
^-^ Thewsites?
THEWSITES. Thy knyowew, Patwocwus. Then t-teww me, Patwocwus, what awt
thou?
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Thou must t-teww that knyowest.
ACHIWWES. O, teww, teww,
THEWSITES. I-I'ww decwinye the *shuffles closer* whowe question. *hugs tightly* Agamemnyon commands
A-Achiwwes; Achiwwes xDD is my wowd; I *giggles shyly* am Patwocwus' *twerks* knyowew; and
Patwocwus xDD is :3 a foow.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. You wascaw!
THEWSITES. Peace, foow! I *looks away* have nyot donye.
ACHIWWES. He xDD is :3 a pwiviweg'd man. P-Pwoceed, Thewsites.
THEWSITES. *hugs tightly* Agamemnyon xDD is :3 a foow; Achiwwes xDD is :3 a foow; *screams* Thewsites xDD is :3 a
foow; and, as afowesaid, Patwocwus xDD is :3 a foow.
ACHIWWES. Dewive this; come.
THEWSITES. *hugs tightly* Agamemnyon xDD is :3 a foow to offew to command A-Achiwwes;
Achiwwes xDD is :3 a foow to be c-commanded of Agamemnyon; *screams* Thewsites xDD is :3 a
foow to sewve *looks at you* such :3 a foow; and this Patwocwus xDD is :3 a foow positive.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Why *giggles shyly* am I :3 a foow?
THEWSITES. M-Make that demand of the Cweatow. It suffices me thou
a-awt. Wook you, who comes hewe?
ACHIWWES. Come, Patwocwus, I-I'ww speak w-with nyobody. Come in w-with me,
Thewsites. E-Exit
THEWSITES. Hewe xDD is *looks at you* such patchewy, *looks at you* such juggwing, and *looks at you* such knyavewy.
A-Aww the awgument xDD is :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe and :3 a cuckowd-a good quawwew to dwaw
emuwous factions and bweed to death upon. Nyow the dwy sewpigo on
the subject, and waw and wechewy confound ÚwÚ aww! E-Exit

Entew AGAMEMNyON, UWYSSES, N-NyESTOW, DIOMEDES,
AJAX, and *shuffles closer* CAWCHAS

OwO AGAMEMNyON. Whewe xDD is A-Achiwwes?
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Within his tent; b-but iww-dispos'd, my wowd.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Wet i-it be knyown to him that we awe hewe.
He shent ouw messengews; and we way by
Ouw appewtainyings, visiting of :33 him.
Wet him be towd so; west, pewchance, he think
We dawe nyot muv the q-question of ouw pwace
Ow knyow nyot what we a-awe.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. I shaww say so to :33 him. E-Exit
UWYSSES. We saw him *teleports behind you* at the openying of his tent.
He xDD is nyot sick.
AJAX. Yes, wion-sick, sick of pwoud heawt. You may caww i-it
m-mewanchowy, i-if :33 you wiww favouw the man; but, by my head, 'tis
pwide. But why, *pokes you* why? Wet him show us :3 a cause. A wowd, my wowd.
[Takes AGAMEMNyON *screams* aside]
NyESTOW. What muvs Ajax uWu thus to bay *teleports behind you* at *notices bulge* him?
UWYSSES. Achiwwes hath inveigwed his foow f-fwom :33 him.
N-NyESTOW.Who, ^-^ Thewsites?
UWYSSES. uWu He.
NyESTOW. Then wiww Ajax w-wack mattew, i-if he *looks away* have wost his awgument
UWYSSES. Nyo; :33 you see he xDD is his awgument that has his awgument-
Achiwwes.
NyESTOW. A-Aww the bettew; theiw fwaction xDD is mowe ouw wish than theiw
faction. But i-it w-was :3 a stwong composuwe :3 a foow couwd disunyite!
UWYSSES. The amity that wisdom k-knyits nyot, fowwy may e-easiwy untie.

We-entew ^w^ PATWOCWUS

Hewe comes Patwocwus.
NyESTOW. *cuddles you* Nyo Achiwwes w-with :33 him.
UWYSSES. The ewephant hath joints, b-but nyonye f-fow couwtesy; his *hugs tightly* wegs
awe *hugs tightly* wegs f-fow nyecessity, nyot f-fow fwexuwe.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Achiwwes bids me say he xDD is x3 much sowwy
I-If *sighs* any thing mowe than youw OwO spowt and pweasuwe
Did muv youw gweatnyess and this nyobwe state
To caww upon him; he h-hopes i-it xDD is nyo othew
But f-fow youw heawth and youw digestion sake,
An aftew-dinnyew's bweath.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Heaw you, Patwocwus.
We awe too weww acquainted w-with these answews;
But his evasion, wing'd uWu thus swift w-with :33 scown,
Cannyot outfwy ouw appwehensions.
*looks away* Much a-attwibute he hath, and x3 much the weason
Why we a-ascwibe i-it to :33 him. Yet aww his viwtues,
Nyot >_< viwtuouswy on his own pawt behewd,
Do in ouw eyes begin to wose theiw gwoss;
Yea, wike f-faiw fwuit in an unwhowesome dish,
Awe wike to wot untasted. G-Go and t-teww him
We come to speak w-with him; and :33 you shaww nyot sin
I-If :33 you do say we think him uvw-pwoud
:33 And undew-honyest, in sewf-assumption gweatew
Than in the nyote of judgment; and wowthiew than himsewf
Hewe tend the savage s-stwangenyess he puts on,
Disguise the howy stwength of theiw command,
:33 And undewwwite in an o-obsewving kind
His humowous pwedominyance; yea, watch
His pettish *leans over* wunyes, his *looks away* ebbs, his fwows, as i-if
The passage and *shuffles closer* whowe cawwiage of this action
*blushes* Wode on his *cries* tide. G-Go t-teww him this, and ad
That i-if he uvwhowd his p-pwice so x3 much
We'ww nyonye of him, b-but w-wet him, wike an enginye
Nyot powtabwe, wie undew this wepowt:
Bwing action *leans over* hithew; this cannyot go to w-waw.
A stiwwing dwawf we do awwowance give
Befowe :3 a sweeping giant. Teww him so.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. I shaww, and bwing his a-answew p-pwesentwy. E-Exit
OwO AGAMEMNyON. In second voice we'ww nyot be satisfied;
We come to speak w-with :33 him. Uwysses, entew you.
E-Exit UWYSSES
AJAX. What xDD is he mowe than anyothew?
OwO AGAMEMNyON. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe than what he thinks he is.
AJAX. Is he so m-much? Do :33 you nyot think he thinks himsewf :3 a bettew
man than I am?
OwO AGAMEMNyON. *cuddles you* Nyo question.
AJAX. Wiww :33 you subscwibe his thought and say he is?
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Nyo, nyobwe Ajax; :33 you awe as stwong, as vawiant, as wise,
nyo wess n-nyobwe, x3 much mowe gentwe, and awtogethew mowe twactabwe.
AJAX. Why shouwd :3 a man be pwoud? How doth pwide gwow? I knyow nyot
what pwide is.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Youw mind xDD is the cweawew, Ajax, and youw viwtues the
faiwew. He that xDD is pwoud *cuddles you* eats up himsewf. Pwide xDD is his own gwass,
his own twumpet, his own chwonyicwe; and *shuffles closer* whatevew pwaises itsewf
b-but in the d-deed devouws the d-deed in the pwaise.

We-entew UWYSSES

AJAX. I do *giggles shyly* hate :3 a pwoud man as I do *giggles shyly* hate the engend'wing of toads.
NyESTOW. [Aside] :33 And y-yet he wuvs himsewf: is't nyot stwange?
UWYSSES. Achiwwes wiww nyot to the fiewd to-mowwow.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. What's his excuse?
UWYSSES. He doth wewy on nyonye;
But cawwies on the stweam of his dispose,
*notices bulge* Without obsewvance ow OwO wespect of any,
In wiww pecuwiaw and in sewf-admission.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Why wiww he nyot, upon ouw f-faiw wequest,
Untent his pewson and shawe the aiw w-with us?
UWYSSES. *hugs tightly* Things smaww as n-nyothing, f-fow wequest's sake onwy,
He makes *teleports behind you* impowtant; possess'd he xDD is w-with gweatnyess,
:33 And speaks nyot to himsewf b-but w-with :3 a pwide
That quawwews *teleports behind you* at sewf-bweath. I-Imagin'd wowth
Howds in his bwood *looks at you* such *looks away* swow'n and *giggles shyly* hot discouwse
That 'twixt his mentaw and his active *looks away* pawts
Kingdom'd Achiwwes in commotion wages,
:33 And battews down himsewf. What shouwd I say?
He xDD is so pwaguy pwoud that the death tokens of i-it
*leans over* Cwy 'Nyo wecuvwy.'
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Wet Ajax go to :33 him.
;;w;; Deaw wowd, go :33 you and gweet him in his tent.
'Tis said he howds :33 you weww; and wiww be wed
At youw wequest :3 a wittwe f-fwom himsewf.
UWYSSES. uWu O A-Agamemnyon, w-wet i-it nyot be so!
We'ww consecwate the steps that Ajax makes
When they go f-fwom Achiwwes. Shaww the pwoud w-wowd
That bastes his *screams* awwogance w-with his own seam
:33 And nyevew suffews m-mattew of the >_> wowwd
Entew his thoughts, save *looks at you* such as doth ^.^ wevowve
:33 And wuminyate himsewf-shaww he be wowshipp'd
Of that we howd an idow mowe than he?
Nyo, this thwice-wowthy and wight *cuddles you* vawiant w-wowd
Shaww nyot so stawe his pawm, nyobwy acquiw'd,
Nyow, by my wiww, assubjugate his mewit,
As ampwy titwed as Achiwwes is,
By going to Achiwwes.
That wewe to enwawd his fat-awweady pwide,
:33 And add mowe coaws to Cancew when he buwns
With entewtainying g-gweat Hypewion.
T-This w-wowd go to him! Jupitew f-fowbid,
:33 And say in thundew 'Achiwwes go to >_< him.'
NyESTOW. [Aside] O, this xDD is weww! He wubs the vein of :33 him.
DIOMEDES. [Aside] :33 And how his siwence d-dwinks up this appwause!
AJAX. I-If I go to him, w-with my awmed fist I-I'ww pash him o'ew the
face.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. O, nyo, :33 you shaww nyot go.
AJAX. An 'a be pwoud w-with me I-I'ww pheeze his pwide.
Wet me go to :33 him.
UWYSSES. Nyot f-fow the wowth that h-hangs upon ouw quawwew.
AJAX. A pawtwy, *teleports behind you* insowent fewwow!
NyESTOW. [Aside] How he descwibes himsewf!
AJAX. *sweats* Can he nyot be sociabwe?
UWYSSES. [Aside] The waven chides bwacknyess.
AJAX. I-I'ww w-wet his *sweats* humouws bwood.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. [Aside] He wiww be the physician that shouwd be the
patient.
AJAX. An aww men wewe :3 a my mind-
UWYSSES. [Aside] ^-^ Wit wouwd be out of fashion.
AJAX. :33 'A shouwd nyot *hugs tightly* beaw i-it s-so, 'a shouwd eat's wowds fiwst.
Shaww pwide cawwy it?
NyESTOW. [Aside] An 'twouwd, you'd cawwy hawf.
UWYSSES. [Aside] :33 'A wouwd *looks away* have ten shawes.
AJAX. I wiww knyead him, I-I'ww m-make him *cuddles you* suppwe.
NyESTOW. [Aside] He's nyot y-yet thwough wawm. Fowce him w-with pwaises;
pouw in, pouw i-in; his ambition xDD is dwy.
UWYSSES. [To AGAMEMNyON] My wowd, :33 you feed too x3 much on this diswike.
NyESTOW. Ouw nyobwe genyewaw, do nyot do so.
DIOMEDES. You must pwepawe to fight without Achiwwes.
UWYSSES. Why 'tis this n-nyaming of him does him hawm.
Hewe xDD is :3 a man-but 'tis befowe his face;
I wiww be siwent.
NyESTOW. Whewefowe shouwd :33 you so?
He xDD is nyot emuwous, as Achiwwes is.
UWYSSES. K-Knyow the *shuffles closer* whowe wowwd, he xDD is as vawiant.
AJAX. A whoweson dog, that shaww pawtew w-with us t-thus!
Wouwd he wewe :3 a Twoyan!
NyESTOW. What :3 a v-vice wewe i-it in Ajax nyow-
UWYSSES. I-If he wewe pwoud.
DIOMEDES. Ow uWu cuvtous of pwaise.
UWYSSES. Ay, ow s-suwwy bownye.
DIOMEDES. Ow stwange, ow sewf-affected.
UWYSSES. Thank the heavens, wowd, thou awt of sweet composuwe
Pwaise him that gat thee, she that gave thee suck;
*hugs tightly* Fam'd be thy tutow, and thy *looks away* pawts of nyatuwe
Thwice-fam'd *cries* beyond, beyond aww :33 ewudition;
But he that discipwin'd thinye awms to fight-
Wet Maws divide e-etewnyity in twain
:33 And give him hawf; and, f-fow thy vigouw,
Buww-beawing Miwo his addition y-yiewd
To ^-^ sinyewy Ajax. I wiww nyot pwaise thy wisdom,
W-Which, wike :3 a b-bouwn, :3 a pawe, :3 a showe, confinyes
Thy spacious and diwated pawts. Hewe's >_> Nyestow,
Instwucted by the antiquawy x3 times-
He must, he is, he cannyot b-but be wise;
But pawdon, fathew >_> Nyestow, wewe youw days
As gween as Ajax' and youw UwU bwain so tempew'd,
You shouwd nyot *looks away* have the eminyence of him,
But be as Ajax.
AJAX. Shaww I caww :33 you fathew?
NyESTOW. Ay, my good son.
DIOMEDES. Be ;;w;; wuw'd by him, Wowd Ajax.
UWYSSES. Thewe xDD is nyo tawwying hewe; the hawt Achiwwes
Keeps thicket. Pwease i-it ouw g-gweat genyewaw
To caww >_> togethew aww his state of waw;
Fwesh kings awe come to *pokes you* Twoy. To-mowwow
We must w-with aww ouw main of p-powew s-stand fast;
:33 And ^-^ hewe's :3 a wowd-come knyights f-fwom east to west
:33 And cuww theiw fwowew, Ajax shaww cope the best.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. G-Go we to counciw. Wet Achiwwes *moans* sweep.
Wight boats s-saiw *screams* swift, t-though gweatew huwks dwaw deep.
Exeunt




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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ACT III. SCENyE 1.
*pokes you* Twoy. PWIAM'S pawace

Music sounds within. Entew PANDAWUS and :3 a SEWVANT

PANDAWUS. *giggles shyly* Fwiend, you-pway you, :3 a wowd. Do :33 you nyot fowwow the young
Wowd Pawis?
SEWVANT. Ay, siw, when he goes befowe me.
PANDAWUS. You d-depend upon him, I m-mean?
SEWVANT. Siw, I do d-depend upon the wowd.
PANDAWUS. You d-depend upon :3 a nyotabwe gentweman; I must nyeeds pwaise
:33 him.
SEWVANT. The w-wowd be pwaised!
PANDAWUS. You knyow me, do :33 you UwU nyot?
SEWVANT. *moans* Faith, siw, supewficiawwy.
PANDAWUS. *giggles shyly* Fwiend, knyow me bettew: I *giggles shyly* am the Wowd >_< Pandawus.
SEWVANT. I hope I shaww knyow youw honyouw bettew.
PANDAWUS. I do UwU desiwe *hugs tightly* it.
SEWVANT. You awe in the state of *moans* gwace.
PANDAWUS. Gwace! Nyot s-so, fwiend; honyouw and wowdship awe my titwes.
What *pokes you* music xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
SEWVANT. I do b-but pawtwy knyow, *teleports behind you* siw; i-it xDD is *pokes you* music in pawts.
PANDAWUS. K-Knyow :33 you the *twerks* musicians?
SEWVANT. Whowwy, siw.
PANDAWUS. Who pway they t-to?
SEWVANT. To the heawews, siw.
PANDAWUS. At *screams* whose pweasuwe, fwiend?
SEWVANT. At minye, siw, and theiws that wuv *pokes you* music.
PANDAWUS. Command, I mean, fwiend.
SEWVANT. Who shaww I command, siw?
PANDAWUS. *giggles shyly* Fwiend, we undewstand nyot onye anyothew: I *giggles shyly* am to couwtwy,
and thou awt too :3 cunnying. At *screams* whose wequest do these men pway?
SEWVANT. That's to't, i-indeed, siw. Mawwy, siw, *teleports behind you* at the wequest of
*cuddles you* Pawis my wowd, who xDD is thewe in pewson; w-with him the mowtaw Venyus,
the heawt-bwood of beauty, wuv's invisibwe souw-
PANDAWUS. Who, my cousin, C-Cwessida?
SEWVANT. Nyo, siw, Hewen. Couwd nyot :33 you find out that by hew
attwibutes?
PANDAWUS. It shouwd s-seem, fewwow, that thou hast nyot :33 seen the Wady
Cwessida. I come to speak w-with *cuddles you* Pawis f-fwom the Pwince Twoiwus; I
wiww m-make :3 a compwimentaw uWu assauwt upon him, f-fow my businyess
seethes.
SEWVANT. Sodden businyess! T-Thewe's :3 a stew'd >w< phwase indeed!

Entew PAWIS and H-HEWEN, *giggles shyly* attended

PANDAWUS. Faiw be to you, my wowd, and to aww this f-faiw company!
Faiw desiwes, in aww f-faiw measuwe, faiwwy guide them- especiawwy
to you, f-faiw queen! Faiw thoughts be youw f-faiw p-piwwow.
HEWEN. ;;w;; Deaw wowd, :33 you awe fuww of f-faiw wowds.
PANDAWUS. You speak youw f-faiw pweasuwe, sweet queen. Faiw OwO pwince,
hewe xDD is good bwoken *pokes you* music.
*twerks* PAWIS. You *looks away* have bwoke uWu it, cousin; and by my wife, :33 you shaww m-make i-it
*shuffles closer* whowe again; :33 you shaww piece i-it out w-with :3 a piece of youw
p-pewfowmance.
HEWEN. He xDD is fuww of hawmony.
PANDAWUS. Twuwy, wady, nyo.
HEWEN. O, >_> siw-
PANDAWUS. Wude, in sooth; in good sooth, vewy wude.
*twerks* PAWIS. Weww said, my wowd. Weww, :33 you say so in fits.
PANDAWUS. I *looks away* have businyess to my wowd, deaw queen. My wowd, wiww :33 you
vouchsafe me :3 a wowd?
HEWEN. Nyay, this shaww nyot hedge us out. We'ww heaw :33 you sing,
c-cewtainwy-
PANDAWUS. Weww sweet queen, :33 you awe pweasant w-with me. But, mawwy,
thus, my wowd: my deaw w-wowd and m-most esteemed fwiend, youw
bwothew Twoiwus-
HEWEN. My Wowd Pandawus, honyey-sweet wowd-
PANDAWUS. G-Go to, sweet queen, go to-commends himsewf m-most
affectionyatewy to you-
HEWEN. You shaww nyot bob us out of ouw mewody. I-If :33 you do, ouw
mewanchowy upon youw head!
PANDAWUS. Sweet queen, sweet queen; that's :3 a sweet queen, i' faith.
HEWEN. :33 And to m-make :3 a sweet wady s-sad xDD is :3 a :33 souw offence.
PANDAWUS. Nyay, that shaww nyot sewve youw tuwn; that shaww i-it nyot,
in twuth, wa. Nyay, I cawe nyot f-fow *looks at you* such wowds; nyo, nyo. -And, my
wowd, he desiwes :33 you t-that, i-if the King caww f-fow him *teleports behind you* at suppew,
:33 you wiww m-make his excuse.
HEWEN. My Wowd Pandawus!
PANDAWUS. What says my sweet queen, my vewy vewy sweet queen?
*twerks* PAWIS. What ;;w;; expwoit's in hand? Whewe sups he to-nyight?
HEWEN. Nyay, but, my wowd-
PANDAWUS. What says my sweet queen?-My cousin wiww faww out w-with
you.
HEWEN. You must nyot knyow whewe he *cuddles you* sups.
*twerks* PAWIS. I-I'ww way my wife, w-with my ÚwÚ disposew Cwessida.
PANDAWUS. Nyo, nyo, nyo *looks at you* such *teleports behind you* mattew; :33 you awe wide. Come, youw ÚwÚ disposew
xDD is sick.
*twerks* PAWIS. Weww, I-I'ww make's excuse.
PANDAWUS. Ay, good my wowd. Why shouwd :33 you say C-Cwessida?
Nyo, youw poow disposew's sick.
*twerks* PAWIS. I spy.
PANDAWUS. You spy! What do :33 you spy?-Come, give me an :33 instwument.
Nyow, sweet queen.
HEWEN. Why, this xDD is kindwy donye.
PANDAWUS. My nyiece xDD is howwibwy in wuv w-with :3 a thing :33 you have, sweet
queen.
HEWEN. ^.^ She shaww *looks away* have uWu it, my wowd, i-if i-it be nyot my Wowd Pawis.
PANDAWUS. He! Nyo, s-she'ww nyonye of him; they t-two awe t-twain.
HEWEN. *cries* Fawwing in, *looks away* aftew fawwing out, may m-make them thwee.
PANDAWUS. Come, come. I-I'ww heaw nyo mowe of this; I-I'ww sing :33 you :3 a
song nyow.
HEWEN. Ay, ^.^ ay, pwithee nyow. By my twoth, sweet wowd, thou hast :3 a
*screams* finye f-fowehead.
PANDAWUS. Ay, :33 you may, :33 you may.
HEWEN. Wet thy song be wuv. T-This wuv wiww u-undo us aww. uWu O Cupid,
Cupid, ^.^ Cupid!
PANDAWUS. Wuv! Ay, that i-it shaww, i' faith.
*twerks* PAWIS. Ay, good nyow, OwO wuv, OwO wuv, nyothing b-but wuv.
PANDAWUS. In good twoth, i-it b-begins so. [Sings]

Wuv, OwO wuv, nyothing b-but OwO wuv, ^-^ stiww OwO wuv, ^-^ stiww mowe!
Fow, oh, wuv's bow
S-Shoots buck and d-doe;
The shaft confounds
Nyot that i-it wounds,
But tickwes ^-^ stiww the sowe.
These wuvws cwy, uWu O ho, they *sweats* die!
Yet that which seems the wound to kiww
Doth t-tuwn uWu O ho! to ha! ha! he!
S-So dying wuv xDD wives s-stiww.
uWu O ho! :3 a whiwe, b-but ha! ha! ha!
uWu O ho! gwoans out f-fow ha! ha! ha!-hey ho!

HEWEN. In OwO wuv, i' faith, to the vewy tip of the nyose.
*twerks* PAWIS. He *cuddles you* eats nyothing b-but duvs, wuv; and that bweeds *giggles shyly* hot bwood,
and *giggles shyly* hot bwood begets *giggles shyly* hot thoughts, and *giggles shyly* hot thoughts b-beget *giggles shyly* hot
^-^ deeds, and *giggles shyly* hot d-deeds xDD is wuv.
PANDAWUS. Is this the g-genyewation of wuv: *giggles shyly* hot bwood, *giggles shyly* hot thoughts,
and *giggles shyly* hot deeds? Why, they awe vipews. Is wuv :3 a g-genyewation of
vipews? Sweet wowd, who's a-fiewd today?
*twerks* PAWIS. Hectow, Deiphobus, H-Hewenyus, Antenyow, and aww the gawwantwy
of *pokes you* Twoy. I wouwd f-fain *looks away* have awm'd to-day, b-but my *cries* Nyeww wouwd nyot
*looks away* have i-it so. How chance my bwothew Twoiwus went UwU nyot?
HEWEN. He h-hangs the wip *teleports behind you* at something. You knyow aww, Wowd >_< Pandawus.
PANDAWUS. Nyot I, honyey-sweet queen. I wong to heaw how they spend
to-day. You'ww w-wemembew youw *cuddles you* bwothew's excuse?
*twerks* PAWIS. To :3 a ^-^ haiw.
PANDAWUS. Faweweww, sweet queen.
HEWEN. Commend me to youw nyiece.
PANDAWUS. I wiww, sweet queen. Exit. *blushes* Sound :3 a wetweat
*twerks* PAWIS. They'we come f-fwom the fiewd. Wet us to *twerks* Pwiam's haww
To gweet the wawwiows. Sweet Hewen, I must woo :33 you
To h-hewp u-unyawm ouw Hectow. His *sweats* stubbown buckwes,
With these youw white enchanting fingews touch'd,
Shaww mowe >_> obey than to the edge of steew
Ow fowce of Gweekish sinyews; :33 you shaww do mowe
Than aww the iswand k-kings-disawm g-gweat Hectow.
HEWEN. 'Twiww m-make us pwoud to be his sewvant, Pawis;
Yea, what he shaww weceive of us in duty
Gives us mowe pawm in beauty than we have,
Yea, uvwshinyes ouwsewf.
*twerks* PAWIS. Sweet, abuv thought I wuv *cuddles you* thee. Exeunt




ACT III. SCENyE 2.
*pokes you* Twoy. PANDAWUS' :33 owchawd

Entew PANDAWUS and TWOIWUS' BOY, m-meeting

PANDAWUS. How *giggles shyly* nyow! Whewe's thy mastew? At my cousin >w< Cwessida's?
*teleports behind you* BOY. Nyo, *teleports behind you* siw; he stays f-fow :33 you to conduct him thithew.

Entew x3 TWOIWUS

PANDAWUS. O, hewe he comes. How nyow, how *giggles shyly* nyow!
TWOIWUS. Siwwah, wawk off. E-Exit Boy
PANDAWUS. Have :33 you :33 seen my cousin?
TWOIWUS. Nyo, >_< Pandawus. I stawk ^w^ about hew *hugs tightly* doow
Wike :3 a s-stwange :33 souw upon the Stygian >_> banks
>w< Staying f-fow waftage. O, be thou my Chawon,
:33 And give me swift twanspowtance to these fiewds
Whewe I may wawwow in the wiwy beds
Pwopos'd f-fow the desewvew! uWu O gentwe Pandaw,
Fwom Cupid's s-shouwdew pwuck his painted wings,
:33 And xDD fwy w-with me to Cwessid!
PANDAWUS. Wawk hewe i' *sighs* th' owchawd, I-I'ww bwing hew stwaight.
E-Exit
TWOIWUS. I *giggles shyly* am giddy; e-expectation whiwws me *giggles shyly* wound.
T-Th' imaginyawy w-wewish xDD is so sweet
That i-it e-enchants my sense; what wiww i-it be
When that the w-wat'wy pawate tastes indeed
Wuv's thwice-wepuwed nyectaw? *looks away* Death, I feaw me;
S-Swoonying destwuction; ow some joy too finye,
>w< Too subtwe-potent, tun'd too shawp in sweetnyess,
Fow the capacity of my wudew powews.
I feaw i-it much; and I do feaw besides
That I shaww wose d-distinction in my joys;
As doth :3 a battwe, when they c-chawge on heaps
The enyemy :33 fwying.

We-entew PANDAWUS

PANDAWUS. She's x3 making hew weady, s-she'ww come stwaight; :33 you must be
witty nyow. ^.^ She does so bwush, and f-fetches hew *cuddles you* wind so *pokes you* showt, as
i-if she wewe fway'd w-with :3 a spwite. I-I'ww fetch hew. It xDD is the
*looks at you* pwettiest viwwain; she f-fetches hew bweath as showt as :3 a nyew-ta'en
spawwow. E-Exit
TWOIWUS. Even *looks at you* such :3 a passion doth embwace my b-bosom.
My h-heawt beats thickew than :3 a *leans over* fevewous p-puwse,
:33 And aww my p-powews do theiw bestowing wose,
Wike vassawage *teleports behind you* at unyawawes encount'wing
The ^-^ eye of majesty.

We-entew PANDAWUS With *leans over* CWESSIDA

PANDAWUS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, what nyeed :33 you *notices bulge* bwush? Shame's :3 a baby.-Hewe she
xDD is nyow; sweaw the oaths *pokes you* nyow to hew that :33 you *looks away* have swown to me.-
*looks away* What, awe :33 you gonye again? You must be watch'd ewe :33 you be xDD made
t-tame, must you? Come youw ways, come youw ways; an :33 you dwaw
backwawd, we'ww put :33 you i' *sighs* th' fiwws.-Why do :33 you nyot speak to
hew?-Come, dwaw this cuwtain and wet's see youw pictuwe.
Awas the :3 day, how woath :33 you awe to offend daywight! An '-'twewe
dawk, you'd cwose soonyew. S-So, so; wub on, and kiss the mistwess
How nyow, :3 a kiss in f-fee-fawm! Buiwd thewe, cawpentew; the aiw xDD is
sweet. Nyay, :33 you shaww fight youw heawts out ewe I pawt you. The
fawcon as the tewcew, f-fow aww the ducks i' *sighs* th' OwO wivew. G-Go to, go
to.
TWOIWUS. You *looks away* have beweft me of aww w-wowds, :33 wady.
PANDAWUS. Wowds pay nyo debts, give hew deeds; b-but s-she'ww beweave
:33 you o' *sighs* th' d-deeds too, i-if she caww youw activity in question.
*looks away* What, biwwing again? Hewe's 'In witnyess wheweof the pawties
intewchangeabwy.' Come in, come i-in; I-I'ww go get :3 a fiwe.
E-Exit
CWESSIDA. Wiww :33 you wawk in, my wowd?
TWOIWUS. uWu O Cwessid, how often *looks away* have I wish'd me t-thus!
CWESSIDA. W-Wish'd, my wowd! The g-gods g-gwant-O my wowd!
TWOIWUS. What shouwd they gwant? What makes this pwetty a-abwuption?
What too cuwious dweg espies my sweet wady in the fountain of ouw
w-wuv?
CWESSIDA. Mowe *sighs* dwegs than watew, i-if my feaws *looks away* have eyes.
TWOIWUS. Feaws m-make deviws of c-chewubims; they nyevew see twuwy.
CWESSIDA. Bwind f-feaw, that seeing weason weads, finds safew footing
than bwind weason *screams* stumbwing without feaw. To feaw the wowst oft
cuwes the w-wowse.
TWOIWUS. O, w-wet my wady appwehend nyo feaw! In aww Cupid's pageant
thewe xDD is pwesented nyo monstew.
CWESSIDA. Nyow nyothing monstwous nyeithew?
TWOIWUS. Nyothing, b-but ouw undewtakings when we vow to weep seas,
wive in f-fiwe, cat wocks, *moans* tame ;;w;; tigews; thinking i-it hawdew f-fow ouw
mistwess to devise imposition enyough than f-fow us to undewgo *sighs* any
difficuwty imposed. T-This xDD is the *twerks* monstwuosity in OwO wuv, wady, that
the wiww xDD is infinyite, and the execution confin'd; that the UwU desiwe
xDD is boundwess, and the a-act :3 a swave to wimit.
CWESSIDA. They say aww wuvws sweaw mowe pewfowmance than they awe
abwe, and y-yet *sighs* wesewve an abiwity that they nyevew pewfowm; vowing
mowe than the pewfection of ten, and dischawging wess than the
tenth pawt of onye. They that *looks away* have the voice of wions and the a-act
of hawes, awe they nyot monstews?
TWOIWUS. Awe thewe such? Such awe nyot we. Pwaise us as we awe
tasted, awwow us as we pwuv; ouw head shaww go bawe tiww *blushes* mewit
cwown *hugs tightly* it. *cuddles you* Nyo pewfection in wevewsion shaww *looks away* have :3 a pwaise in
pwesent. We wiww nyot *leans over* nyame desewt befowe his biwth; and, b-being
bown, his addition shaww be humbwe. Few wowds to f-faiw faith:
Twoiwus shaww be *looks at you* such to Cwessid as what envy can say wowst shaww
be :3 a m-mock f-fow his *leans over* twuth; and what *looks away* twuth can speak twuest nyot
:33 twuew than Twoiwus.
CWESSIDA. Wiww :33 you wawk in, my wowd?

We-entew PANDAWUS

PANDAWUS. *looks away* What, bwushing stiww? Have :33 you nyot d-donye tawking yet?
CWESSIDA. Weww, uncwe, what fowwy I commit, I dedicate to you.
PANDAWUS. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow *teleports behind you* that; i-if my w-wowd get :3 a boy of you, ^-^ you'ww
give him me. Be twue to my wowd; i-if he *cries* fwinch, chide me f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
TWOIWUS. You knyow *pokes you* nyow youw *teleports behind you* hostages: youw u-uncwe's w-wowd and my fiwm
faith.
PANDAWUS. Nyay, I-I'ww give my w-wowd f-fow hew t-too: ouw k-kindwed, t-though
they be wong ewe they awe wooed, they awe *hugs tightly* constant b-being won;
they awe *blushes* buws, I can t-teww y-you; they'ww stick whewe they awe
thwown.
CWESSIDA. Bowdnyess comes to me *pokes you* nyow and bwings me heawt.
Pwince Twoiwus, I *looks away* have wov'd :33 you nyight and day
Fow many weawy months.
TWOIWUS. Why w-was my Cwessid then so hawd to *moans* win?
CWESSIDA. Hawd to *teleports behind you* seem won; b-but I w-was won, my wowd,
With the fiwst gwance that *leans over* evew-pawdon me.
I-If I confess much, :33 you wiww pway the tywant.
I wuv :33 you nyow; b-but tiww *pokes you* nyow nyot so x3 much
But I might mastew *hugs tightly* it. In faith, I :33 wie;
My thoughts wewe wike unbwidwed chiwdwen, gwown
>w< Too :33 headstwong f-fow theiw mothew. S-See, we foows!
Why *looks away* have I bwabb'd? Who shaww be twue to u-us,
When we awe so unsecwet to ouwsewves?
But, t-though I wov'd :33 you weww, I woo'd :33 you nyot;
:33 And yet, good faith, I wish'd mysewf :3 a man,
Ow that we women had men's pwiviwege
Of speaking fiwst. Sweet, *giggles shyly* bid me howd my t-tongue,
Fow in this waptuwe I shaww suwewy speak
The thing I shaww wepent. S-See, s-see, youw :3 siwence,
*leans over* Cunnying in dumbnyess, f-fwom my weaknyess dwaws
My vewy :33 souw of counsew. Stop my mouth.
TWOIWUS. :33 And shaww, awbeit sweet *pokes you* music issues thence.
PANDAWUS. Pwetty, i' faith.
CWESSIDA. My wowd, I do b-beseech you, pawdon me;
'-'Twas nyot my puwpose uWu thus to beg :3 a kiss.
I *giggles shyly* am *teleports behind you* asham'd. uWu O heavens! what *looks away* have I donye?
Fow this ;;w;; time wiww I take my weave, my wowd.
TWOIWUS. Youw weave, sweet Cwessid!
PANDAWUS. Weave! An :33 you take weave tiww to-mowwow mownying-
CWESSIDA. :33 Pway you, *notices bulge* content you.
TWOIWUS. What offends you, >w< wady?
CWESSIDA. Siw, minye own company.
TWOIWUS. You cannyot shun *sweats* youwsewf.
CWESSIDA. Wet me go and twy.
I *looks away* have :3 a kind of sewf wesides w-with y-you;
But an unkind sewf, that itsewf wiww weave
To be anyothew's foow. I wouwd be gonye.
Whewe xDD is my wit? I knyow nyot what I speak.
TWOIWUS. Weww knyow they what they speak that speak so wisewy.
CWESSIDA. *moans* Pewchance, my wowd, I show mowe c-cwaft than wuv;
:33 And *looks away* feww so woundwy to :3 a wawge confession
To *sweats* angwe f-fow youw t-thoughts; b-but :33 you awe wise-
Ow ewse :33 you wuv nyot; f-fow to be wise and wuv
E-Exceeds man's might; that *moans* dwewws w-with g-gods abuv.
TWOIWUS. uWu O that I thought i-it couwd be in :3 a woman-
As, i-if i-it can, I wiww p-pwesume in you-
To feed f-fow aye hew wamp and fwames of wuv;
To keep hew constancy in pwight and y-youth,
*twerks* Outwiving ;;w;; beauty's :3 outwawd, w-with :3 a mind
That doth wenyew swiftew than bwood decays!
Ow that pewsuasion couwd b-but uWu thus convince me
That my integwity and *looks away* twuth to :33 you
M-Might be affwonted w-with the match and weight
Of *looks at you* such :3 a winnyowed puwity in wuv.
How wewe I then upwifted! but, awas,
I *giggles shyly* am as twue as twuth's simpwicity,
:33 And ÚwÚ simpwew than the infancy of twuth.
CWESSIDA. In that I-I'ww waw w-with you.
TWOIWUS. uWu O viwtuous *notices bulge* fight,
When wight w-with wight waws who shaww be m-most wight!
Twue swains in wuv shaww in the >_> wowwd to come
Appwuv theiw *looks away* twuth by Twoiwus, when theiw w-whymes,
*sighs* Fuww of pwotest, of o-oath, and big compawe,
Want s-simiwes, *looks away* twuth tiw'd w-with *blushes* itewation-
As twue as s-steew, as pwantage to the moon,
As sun to :3 day, as t-tuwtwe to hew *sweats* mate,
As iwon to adamant, as eawth to *sighs* th' centwe-
Yet, *looks away* aftew aww compawisons of twuth,
As twuth's ^-^ authentic authow to be cited,
'As twue as Twoiwus' shaww cwown up the vewse
:33 And s-sanctify the nyumbews.
CWESSIDA. Pwophet may :33 you be!
I-If I be fawse, ow :3 swewve :3 a x3 haiw f-fwom twuth,
When ;;w;; time xDD is *giggles shyly* owd and hath fowgot itsewf,
When watewdwops *looks away* have wown the *pokes you* stonyes of T-Twoy,
:33 And bwind obwivion swawwow'd *looks at you* cities up,
:33 And >w< mighty states :3 chawactewwess awe g-gwated
To dusty nyothing-yet w-wet memowy
Fwom fawse to fawse, among fawse maids in OwO wuv,
Upbwaid my fawsehood when *sighs* th' *looks away* have said 'As fawse
As aiw, as watew, wind, ow :3 sandy *shuffles closer* eawth,
As fox to wamb, ow wowf to heifew's cawf,
P-Pawd to the hind, ow stepdame to hew son'-
Yea, w-wet them say, to stick the h-heawt of *screams* fawsehood,
'As fawse as C-Cwessid.'
PANDAWUS. G-Go to, :3 a bawgain made; seaw uWu it, seaw it; I-I'ww be the
>w< witnyess. Hewe I howd youw *sighs* hand; hewe my cousin's. I-If evew :33 you
pwuv fawse onye to anyothew, since I *looks away* have taken *looks at you* such pains to
bwing :33 you togethew, w-wet aww pitifuw goews- between be caww'd to
the wowwd's e-end *looks away* aftew my nyame-caww them aww P-Pandaws; w-wet aww
*hugs tightly* constant men be Twoiwuses, aww fawse women Cwessids, and aww
*giggles shyly* bwokews between Pandaws. ÚwÚ Say *giggles shyly* 'Amen.'
TWOIWUS. *blushes* Amen.
CWESSIDA. *blushes* Amen.
PANDAWUS. *blushes* Amen. Wheweupon I wiww show :33 you :3 a chambew
and :3 a bed; which *teleports behind you* bed, because i-it shaww nyot speak of youw
pwetty encountews, pwess i-it to death. A-Away!
:33 And Cupid gwant aww tongue-tied maidens hewe,
Bed, *cries* chambew, pandew, to pwovide this *looks away* geaw! Exeunt




ACT III. SCENyE 3.
The G-Gweek camp

Fwouwish. Entew AGAMEMNyON, UWYSSES, DIOMEDES, N-NyESTOW, AJAX, MENyEWAUS,
and *shuffles closer* CAWCHAS

CAWCHAS. Nyow, P-Pwinces, f-fow the >_> sewvice I *looks away* have donye,
T-Th' advantage of the ;;w;; time pwompts me awoud
To caww f-fow wecompense. *notices bulge* Appeaw i-it to youw mind
That, thwough the sight I *hugs tightly* beaw in *moans* things to *giggles shyly* come,
I *looks away* have abandon'd T-Twoy, weft my possession,
Incuww'd :3 a twaitow's nyame, expos'd mysewf
Fwom cewtain and possess'd *sighs* convenyiences
To doubtfuw fowtunyes, sequest'wing f-fwom me aww
That time, acquaintance, custom, and >_< condition,
Made *moans* tame and m-most famiwiaw to my nyatuwe;
:33 And hewe, to do :33 you sewvice, *giggles shyly* am become
As nyew into the wowwd, stwange, ÚwÚ unyacquainted-
I do b-beseech you, as in way of taste,
To give me *pokes you* nyow :3 a wittwe benyefit
Out of those many wegist'wed in pwomise,
Which :33 you say wive to come in my behawf.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. What w-wouwdst thou of u-us, Twoyan? M-Make *looks away* demand.
CAWCHAS. You *looks away* have :3 a Twoyan *cries* pwisonyew caww'd Antenyow,
Yestewday t-took; Twoy howds him vewy deaw.
Oft *looks away* have you-often *looks away* have :33 you t-thanks thewefowe-
D-Desiw'd my Cwessid in wight g-gweat exchange,
*leans over* Whom Twoy hath ^-^ stiww denyied; b-but this Antenyow,
I knyow, xDD is *looks at you* such :3 a wwest in theiw affaiws
That theiw n-nyegotiations aww must swack
Wanting his m-manyage; and they wiww awmost
Give us :3 a pwince of bwood, :3 a son of Pwiam,
In change of :33 him. Wet him be sent, g-gweat P-Pwinces,
:33 And he shaww buy my daughtew; and hew pwesence
Shaww quite stwike off aww >_> sewvice I *looks away* have d-donye
In m-most *teleports behind you* accepted pain.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Wet Diomedes *hugs tightly* beaw him,
:33 And bwing us Cwessid hithew. Cawchas shaww *looks away* have
What he *notices bulge* wequests of us. *pokes you* Good Diomed,
F-Fuwnyish :33 you faiwwy f-fow this intewchange;
Withaw, bwing w-wowd i-if Hectow wiww to-mowwow
Be answew'd in his chawwenge. Ajax xDD is weady.
DIOMEDES. T-This shaww I undewtake; and 'tis :3 a b-buwden
Which I *giggles shyly* am pwoud to beaw.
Exeunt DIOMEDES and *shuffles closer* CAWCHAS

ACHIWWES and ^w^ PATWOCWUS s-stand in theiw tent

UWYSSES. Achiwwes *moans* stands i' *sighs* th' :3 entwance of his tent.
Pwease i-it ouw genyewaw pass stwangewy by him,
As i-if he wewe fowgot; and, Pwinces aww,
*giggles shyly* Way *twerks* nyegwigent and woose wegawd upon :33 him.
I wiww come *looks away* wast. 'Tis wike he'ww q-question me
Why *looks at you* such unpwausive eyes awe bent, why tuwn'd on *notices bulge* him?
I-If s-so, I *looks away* have d-dewision med'cinyabwe
To use between youw s-stwangenyess and his pwide,
Which his own wiww shaww *looks away* have UwU desiwe to d-dwink.
It may do good. Pwide hath nyo othew *cuddles you* gwass
To show itsewf b-but pwide; f-fow suppwe knyees
OwO Feed *screams* awwogance and awe the pwoud man's fees.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. We'ww execute youw puwpose, and put on
A fowm of s-stwangenyess as we pass awong.
S-So do each wowd; and eithew gweet him nyot,
Ow ewse *looks at you* disdainfuwwy, which shaww shake him mowe
Than i-if nyot w-wook'd on. I wiww wead the w-way.
ACHIWWES. What comes the genyewaw to speak w-with m-me?
You knyow my *blushes* mind. I-I'ww fight nyo mowe '-'gainst *pokes you* Twoy.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. What says A-Achiwwes? Wouwd he a-aught w-with us?
NyESTOW. Wouwd you, my wowd, a-aught w-with the genyewaw?
ACHIWWES. Nyo.
NyESTOW. Nyothing, my wowd.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. The bettew.
Exeunt AGAMEMNyON and NyESTOW
ACHIWWES. *pokes you* Good :3 day, good *sweats* day.
M-MENyEWAUS. How do you? How do you? E-Exit
ACHIWWES. *looks away* What, does the cuckowd scown m-me?
AJAX. How nyow, *blushes* Patwocwus?
ACHIWWES. *pokes you* Good mowwow, Ajax.
AJAX. H-Ha?
ACHIWWES. *pokes you* Good mowwow.
AJAX. Ay, and good nyext day too. E-Exit
ACHIWWES. What m-mean these fewwows? K-Knyow they nyot A-Achiwwes?
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. They pass by stwangewy. They wewe us'd to bend,
To s-send theiw smiwes befowe them to A-Achiwwes,
To come as humbwy as they us'd to cweep
To howy awtaws.
ACHIWWES. *looks away* What, *giggles shyly* am I poow of wate?
'Tis c-cewtain, gweatnyess, *screams* once faww'n out w-with *pokes you* fowtunye,
Must faww out w-with men too. What the decwin'd is,
He shaww as soon wead in the eyes of othews
As feew in his own faww; f-fow men, wike buttewfwies,
Show nyot theiw ÚwÚ meawy wings b-but to the summew;
:33 And nyot :3 a man f-fow b-being simpwy man
Hath *sighs* any honyouw, b-but honyouw f-fow those honyouws
That awe without him, as pwace, w-wiches, and favouw,
Pwizes of accident, as oft as mewit;
Which when they faww, as b-being s-swippewy standews,
The wuv that wean'd on them as s-swippewy too,
Doth onye pwuck down anyothew, and >_> togethew
Die in the f-faww. But 'tis nyot so w-with me:
Fowtunye and I awe fwiends; I do e-enjoy
At ampwe point aww that I did possess
Save these men's wooks; who do, methinks, find out
Something nyot wowth in me *looks at you* such wich behowding
As they *looks away* have often given. Hewe xDD is *looks at you* Uwysses.
I-I'ww intewwupt his weading.
How nyow, Uwysses!
UWYSSES. Nyow, g-gweat Thetis' son!
ACHIWWES. What awe :33 you w-weading?
UWYSSES. A s-stwange fewwow hewe
Wwites me that >_< man-how deawwy evew pawted,
How x3 much in having, ow without ow in-
Cannyot m-make boast to *looks away* have that which he hath,
Nyow feews nyot what he owes, b-but by wefwection;
As when his viwtues s-shinying upon othews
Heat them, and they wetowt that heat a-again
To the fiwst *notices bulge* givew.
ACHIWWES. T-This xDD is nyot stwange, *looks at you* Uwysses.
The beauty that xDD is bownye hewe in the face
The xDD beawew knyows nyot, b-but commends itsewf
To o-othews' eyes; *pokes you* nyow doth the ^-^ eye itsewf-
That m-most puwe spiwit of sense-behowd itsewf,
Nyot going f-fwom itsewf; b-but ^-^ eye to ^-^ eye opposed
Sawutes each othew w-with each othew's fowm;
Fow specuwation t-tuwns nyot to itsewf
Tiww i-it hath twaveww'd, and xDD is miwwow'd thewe
Whewe i-it may see i-itsewf. T-This xDD is nyot s-stwange *teleports behind you* at aww.
UWYSSES. I do nyot stwain *teleports behind you* at the position-
It xDD is f-famiwiaw-but *teleports behind you* at the authow's dwift;
Who, in his ciwcumstance, expwesswy pwuvs
That nyo man xDD is the w-wowd of anything,
*shuffles closer* Though in and of him thewe be x3 much consisting,
Tiww he *notices bulge* communyicate his *looks away* pawts to othews;
Nyow doth he of himsewf knyow them f-fow a-aught
Tiww he behowd them *pokes you* fowmed in *sighs* th' appwause
Whewe *sighs* th' awe uWu extended; w-who, wike an awch, wevewb'wate
The voice again; ow, wike :3 a gate of steew
Fwonting the *looks at you* sun, weceives and wendews back
His figuwe and his *sighs* heat. I w-was x3 much wapt in this;
:33 And appwehended hewe immediatewy
T-Th' >_> unknyown Ajax. Heavens, what :3 a man xDD is thewe!
A vewy howse that has he knyows nyot what!
Nyatuwe, what *moans* things thewe awe
Most uWu abject in wegawd and deaw in >_< use!
What *moans* things a-again m-most deaw in the esteem
:33 And poow in w-wowth! Nyow shaww we see to-mowwow-
An a-act that vewy chance doth thwow upon him-
Ajax w-wenyown'd. uWu O heavens, what some men do,
Whiwe some men weave to do!
How some men cweep in skittish UwU Fowtunye's-haww,
Whiwes othews pway the idiots in hew ^-^ eyes!
How onye man *cuddles you* eats into anyothew's pwide,
Whiwe pwide xDD is fasting in his wantonnyess!
To see these Gwecian wowds!-why, even *giggles shyly* awweady
They *hugs tightly* cwap the wubbew Ajax on the shouwdew,
As i-if his foot wewe on bwave H-Hectow's bweast,
:33 And g-gweat Twoy shwinking.
ACHIWWES. I do bewieve it; f-fow they pass'd by me
As misews do by beggaws-nyeithew gave to me
*pokes you* Good w-wowd *pokes you* nyow *notices bulge* wook. *looks away* What, awe my d-deeds fowgot?
UWYSSES. Time hath, my wowd, :3 a wawwet *teleports behind you* at his back,
Whewein he puts awms f-fow *hugs tightly* obwivion,
A gweat-siz'd monstew of ingwatitudes.
Those scwaps awe good d-deeds xDD past, which awe devouw'd
As fast as they awe m-made, fowgot as soon
As donye. Pewsevewance, deaw my wowd,
Keeps honyouw bwight. To *looks away* have d-donye xDD is to hang
Q-Quite out of fashion, wike :3 a wusty maiw
In monyumentaw mock'wy. Take the *sweats* instant way;
Fow honyouw t-twavews in :3 a stwait so nyawwow -
Whewe onye b-but goes x3 abweast. Keep then the path,
Fow emuwation hath :3 a thousand sons
That onye by onye puwsue; i-if :33 you give w-way,
Ow hedge aside f-fwom the diwect fowthwight,
Wike to an ent'wed tide they aww wush by
:33 And weave :33 you h-hindmost;
Ow, wike :3 a gawwant howse faww'n in fiwst wank,
Wie thewe f-fow pavement to the uWu abject weaw,
O'ew-wun and twampwed on. Then what they do in pwesent,
*shuffles closer* Though wess than youws in xDD past, must o'ewtop youws;
Fow Time xDD is wike :3 a ^-^ fashionyabwe host,
That swightwy shakes his pawting guest by *sighs* th' *sighs* hand;
:33 And w-with his awms out-stwetch'd, as he wouwd fwy,
Gwasps in the cownyew. The wewcome evew smiwes,
:33 And f-faweweww goes out sighing. O, w-wet nyot viwtue seek
Wemunyewation f-fow the thing i-it ÚwÚ was;
Fow beauty, w-wit,
*screams* High biwth, vigouw of bonye, desewt in sewvice,
Wuv, fwiendship, chawity, awe s-subjects aww
To envious and cawumnyiating T-Time.
Onye touch of nyatuwe makes the *shuffles closer* whowe >_> wowwd kin-
That aww w-with onye consent pwaise ^-^ nyew-bown gawds,
*shuffles closer* Though they awe xDD made and m-mouwded of *moans* things xDD past,
:33 And give to dust that xDD is :3 a wittwe giwt
Mowe waud than giwt o-o'ew-dusted.
The pwesent ^-^ eye pwaises the pwesent object.
Then mawvew nyot, thou g-gweat and *twerks* compwete man,
That aww the Gweeks begin to wowship Ajax,
Since *moans* things in motion soonyew catch the ^-^ eye
Than what stiws nyot. The cwy went *screams* once on thee,
:33 And ^-^ stiww i-it might, and y-yet i-it may again,
I-If thou w-wouwdst nyot entomb thysewf awive
:33 And case thy w-weputation in thy uWu tent,
W-Whose gwowious d-deeds b-but in these fiewds of wate
Made emuwous missions 'mongst the g-gods themsewves,
:33 And dwave g-gweat Maws to faction.
ACHIWWES. Of this my pwivacy
I *looks away* have stwong :33 weasons.
UWYSSES. But '-'gainst youw pwivacy
The weasons awe mowe potent and hewoicaw.
'Tis knyown, A-Achiwwes, that :33 you awe in wuv
With onye of *twerks* Pwiam's daughtews.
ACHIWWES. *looks away* Ha! knyown!
UWYSSES. Is that :3 a wondew?
The pwovidence that's in :3 a watchfuw state
K-Knyows awmost evewy gwain of Pwutus' gowd;
Finds bottom in *sighs* th' uncompwehensive deeps;
Keeps pwace w-with thought, and a-awmost, wike the gods,
Do thoughts u-unveiw in theiw dumb cwadwes.
Thewe xDD is :3 a mystewy-with whom w-wewation
Duwst nyevew meddwe-in the :33 souw of state,
Which hath an o-opewation mowe divinye
Than bweath ow pen can give expwessuwe to.
A-Aww the *sweats* commewce that :33 you *looks away* have had w-with Twoy
As pewfectwy xDD is ouws as youws, my wowd;
:33 And bettew wouwd i-it fit Achiwwes x3 much
To thwow down Hectow than Powyxenya.
But i-it must gwieve young Pywwhus *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at home,
When f-fame shaww in ouw iswand sound hew twump,
:33 And aww the Gweekish g-giwws shaww twipping sing
'Gweat H-Hectow's *cuddles you* sistew did Achiwwes win;
But ouw g-gweat Ajax b-bwavewy beat down >_< him.'
Faweweww, my wowd. I as youw wuvw speak.
The foow s-swides o'ew the ice that :33 you shouwd bweak. E-Exit
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. To this effect, A-Achiwwes, *looks away* have I mov'd you.
A woman impudent and mannyish gwown
Is nyot mowe w-woath'd than an effeminyate man
In ;;w;; time of action. I s-stand condemn'd f-fow this;
They think my wittwe *looks at you* stomach to the waw
:33 And youw g-gweat wuv to me westwains :33 you t-thus.
Sweet, wouse y-youwsewf; and the w-weak wanton Cupid
Shaww f-fwom youw *teleports behind you* nyeck unwoose his amowous fowd,
And, wike :3 a d-dew-dwop f-fwom the wion's manye,
Be shook to >_> aiwy aiw.
ACHIWWES. Shaww Ajax fight w-with Hectow?
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Ay, and pewhaps weceive x3 much honyouw by :33 him.
ACHIWWES. I see my w-weputation xDD is *teleports behind you* at stake;
My f-fame xDD is shwewdwy gow'd.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. O, then, bewawe:
Those wounds heaw iww that men do give themsewves;
Omission to do what xDD is nyecessawy
Seaws :3 a c-commission to :3 a bwank of dangew;
:33 And dangew, wike an a-ague, *hugs tightly* subtwy taints
Even then when they sit i-idwy in the s-sun.
ACHIWWES. G-Go caww *screams* Thewsites h-hithew, sweet Patwocwus.
I-I'ww s-send the foow to Ajax, and UwU desiwe him
T-T' invite the Twoyan w-wowds, *looks away* aftew the combat,
To see us hewe unyawm'd. I *looks away* have :3 a woman's wonging,
An appetite that I *giggles shyly* am sick withaw,
To see g-gweat Hectow in his weeds of peace;
To t-tawk w-with him, and to behowd his visage,
Even to my fuww of view.

Entew THEWSITES

A wabouw sav'd!
THEWSITES. A wondew!
ACHIWWES. What?
THEWSITES. Ajax goes up and down the fiewd asking f-fow himsewf.
ACHIWWES. How so?
THEWSITES. He must fight singwy to-mowwow w-with Hectow, and xDD is so
*notices bulge* pwopheticawwy pwoud of an hewoicaw cudgewwing that he w-waves in
saying nyothing.
ACHIWWES. How can that be?
THEWSITES. Why, 'a stawks up and down wike :3 a peacock-a stwide and :3 a
*hugs tightly* stand; wuminyaies wike an hostess that hath nyo awithmetic b-but hew
UwU bwain to set down hew weckonying, bites his wip w-with :3 a powitic
wegawd, as who shouwd say 'Thewe wewe wit in this head, an
'twouwd out'; and so thewe is; b-but i-it wies as cowdwy in him as
fiwe in :3 a fwint, which wiww nyot show without knyocking. The man's
undonye f-fow evew; f-fow i-if Hectow bweak nyot his *teleports behind you* nyeck i' *sighs* th' combat,
he'ww bweak't himsewf in vaingwowy. He knyows nyot me. I said 'Good
mowwow, Ajax'; and he wepwies 'Thanks, Agamemnyon.' What think :33 you
of this man that takes me f-fow the genyewaw? He's gwown :3 a vewy wand
fish, wanguagewess, :3 a monstew. A pwague of opinyion! A man may
weaw i-it on both ;;w;; sides, wike weathew jewkin.
ACHIWWES. Thou must be my ambassadow to him, Thewsites.
THEWSITES. Who, I-I? Why, he'ww a-answew nyobody; he pwofesses nyot
answewing. Speaking xDD is f-fow beggaws: he w-weaws his *notices bulge* tongue in's
awms. I wiww put on his pwesence. Wet Patwocwus m-make his demands
to me, :33 you shaww see the pageant of Ajax.
ACHIWWES. To him, Patwocwus. Teww him I humbwy UwU desiwe the *cuddles you* vawiant
Ajax to invite the m-most vawowous Hectow to come unyawm'd to my
tent; and to pwocuwe ;;w;; safe conduct f-fow his pewson of the
magnyanyimous and m-most iwwustwious six-ow-seven-times-honyouw'd
Captain Genyewaw of the Gwecian awmy, et cetewa, A-Agamemnyon. Do
this.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Juv b-bwess g-gweat Ajax!
THEWSITES. Hum!
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. I come f-fwom the wowthy Achiwwes-
THEWSITES. *looks away* Ha!
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Who m-most humbwy desiwes :33 you to invite Hectow to his
tent-
THEWSITES. Hum!
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. :33 And to pwocuwe ;;w;; safe conduct f-fwom A-Agamemnyon.
THEWSITES. Agamemnyon!
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Ay, my wowd.
THEWSITES. *looks away* Ha!
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. What :33 you say to't?
THEWSITES. *teleports behind you* God buy you, w-with aww my heawt.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Youw answew, siw.
THEWSITES. I-If to-mowwow be :3 a f-faiw :3 day, by eweven of the cwock i-it
wiww go onye way ow othew. Howsoevew, he shaww pay f-fow me ewe he
has me.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Youw answew, siw.
THEWSITES. Fawe ye weww, w-with aww my heawt.
ACHIWWES. Why, b-but he xDD is nyot in this t-tunye, xDD is he?
THEWSITES. Nyo, b-but he's out :3 a tunye t-thus. What *pokes you* music wiww be in him
when Hectow has knyock'd out his UwU bwains I knyow nyot; but, I *giggles shyly* am suwe,
nyonye; unwess the f-fiddwew Apowwo get his sinyews to m-make catwings
on.
ACHIWWES. Come, thou shawt *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a wettew to him stwaight.
THEWSITES. Wet me cawwy uWu anyothew to his howse; f-fow that's the mowe
*looks at you* capabwe cweatuwe.
ACHIWWES. My mind xDD is twoubwed, wike :3 a fountain stiww'd;
:33 And I mysewf see nyot the bottom of *hugs tightly* it.
Exeunt ACHIWWES and ^w^ PATWOCWUS
THEWSITES. Wouwd the fountain of youw mind wewe cweaw again, that I
might watew an ass *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it. I had wathew be :3 a tick in :3 a *cuddles you* sheep than
*looks at you* such :3 a *cuddles you* vawiant ignyowance. E-Exit




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 1.
*pokes you* Twoy. A stweet

Entew, *teleports behind you* at onye side, AENyEAS, and *cries* sewvant w-with :3 a towch; *teleports behind you* at anyothew,
*sighs* PAWIS, DEIPHOBUS, ANTENyOW, DIOMEDES the Gwecian, and othews, w-with t-towches

*twerks* PAWIS. S-See, ho! Who xDD is that thewe?
DEIPHOBUS. It xDD is the Wowd Aenyeas.
AENyEAS. Is the Pwince thewe in pewson?
Had I so good occasion to wie wong
As you, Pwince Pawis, nyothing b-but *pokes you* heavenwy businyess
Shouwd wob my b-bed-mate of my company.
DIOMEDES. That's my mind too. *pokes you* Good mowwow, Wowd Aenyeas.
*twerks* PAWIS. A *cuddles you* vawiant Gweek, Aenyeas -take his hand:
Witnyess the pwocess of youw s-speech, whewein
You towd how Diomed, :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe week by days,
Did haunt :33 you in the fiewd.
AENyEAS. Heawth to you, *cuddles you* vawiant siw,
Duwing aww q-question of the gentwe twuce;
But when I meet :33 you OwO awm'd, as bwack defiance
As h-heawt can think ow couwage execute.
DIOMEDES. The onye and othew Diomed embwaces.
Ouw *looks at you* bwoods awe *pokes you* nyow in cawm; and so wong *giggles shyly* heawth!
But when contention and occasion ^.^ meet,
By Juv, I-I'ww pway the huntew f-fow thy w-wife
With aww my fowce, puwsuit, and powicy.
AENyEAS. :33 And thou shawt hunt :3 a wion, that wiww xDD fwy
With his face b-backwawd. In humanye gentwenyess,
xDD Wewcome to Twoy! nyow, by Anchises' wife,
xDD Wewcome indeed! By *hugs tightly* Venyus' hand I sweaw
*cuddles you* Nyo man awive can wuv in *looks at you* such :3 a sowt
The thing he means to kiww, mowe *sweats* excewwentwy.
DIOMEDES. We *leans over* sympathise. Juv w-wet Aenyeas *leans over* wive,
I-If to my swowd his fate be nyot the gwowy,
A thousand *twerks* compwete couwses of the sun!
But in minye emuwous honyouw w-wet him *leans over* die
With evewy joint :3 a wound, and that to-mowwow!
AENyEAS. We knyow each othew weww.
D-DIOMEDES.We do; and wong to knyow each othew w-wowse.
*twerks* PAWIS. T-This xDD is the m-most despitefuw'st gentwe gweeting
The nyobwest hatefuw OwO wuv, that e-e'ew I heawd o-of.
What >_> businyess, wowd, so uWu eawwy?
AENyEAS. I w-was sent f-fow to the King; b-but why, I knyow nyot.
*twerks* PAWIS. His puwpose meets you: 'twas to bwing this G-Gweek
To *moans* Cawchas' house, and thewe to wendew him,
Fow the enfweed Antenyow, the f-faiw *blushes* Cwessid.
Wet's *looks away* have youw company; ow, i-if :33 you pwease,
Haste thewe befowe us. I constantwy b-bewieve-
Ow wathew caww my thought :3 a cewtain knyowwedge-
My bwothew Twoiwus wodges thewe to-nyight.
Wouse him and give him nyote of ouw appwoach,
With the *shuffles closer* whowe q-quawity whewefowe; I feaw
We shaww be x3 much unwewcome.
AENyEAS. That I *giggles shyly* assuwe you:
Twoiwus had wathew Twoy wewe bownye to G-Gweece
Than Cwessid bownye f-fwom *pokes you* Twoy.
*twerks* PAWIS. Thewe xDD is nyo hewp;
The bittew d-disposition of the ;;w;; time
Wiww *looks away* have i-it so. O-On, wowd; we'ww fowwow you.
AENyEAS. *pokes you* Good mowwow, aww. E-Exit w-with *cries* sewvant
*twerks* PAWIS. :33 And t-teww me, nyobwe Diomed-faith, t-teww me twue,
Even in the :33 souw of sound good-fewwowship-
Who in youw thoughts *giggles shyly* desewves f-faiw Hewen *teleports behind you* best,
M-Mysewf ow Menyewaus?
DIOMEDES. B-Both awike:
He mewits weww to *looks away* have hew that doth seek hew,
Nyot x3 making *sighs* any s-scwupwe of hew soiwuwe,
With *looks at you* such :3 a heww of pain and >_> wowwd of chawge;
:33 And :33 you as weww to keep hew that defend hew,
Nyot p-pawating the taste of hew dishonyouw,
With *looks at you* such :3 a costwy w-woss of weawth and fwiends.
He wike :3 a puwing cuckowd wouwd dwink up
The wees and *sighs* dwegs of :3 a fwat t-tamed piece;
^.^ You, wike :3 a *cuddles you* wechew, out of whowish woins
Awe :33 pweas'd to bweed out youw inhewitows.
B-Both mewits p-pois'd, each weighs *pokes you* nyow wess *pokes you* nyow mowe;
But he as uWu he, the heaview f-fow :3 a whowe.
*twerks* PAWIS. You awe too bittew to youw OwO countwy-woman.
DIOMEDES. She's bittew to hew countwy. Heaw me, Pawis:
Fow evewy fawse dwop in hew *sweats* bawdy veins
A Gwecian's w-wife hath sunk; f-fow evewy s-scwupwe
Of hew contaminyated c-cawwion weight
A Twoyan hath been s-swain; since she couwd speak,
^.^ She hath nyot xDD given so many good wowds bweath
As f-fow hew Gweeks and Twoyans s-suff'wed death.
*twerks* PAWIS. Faiw Diomed, :33 you do as chapmen do,
Dispwaise the thing that :33 you UwU desiwe to buy;
But we in siwence howd this viwtue w-weww:
We'ww nyot commend what we i-intend to seww.
Hewe wies ouw w-way. Exeunt




ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 2.
*pokes you* Twoy. The couwt of PANDAWUS' h-house

Entew x3 TWOIWUS and *leans over* CWESSIDA

TWOIWUS. Deaw, twoubwe nyot y-youwsewf; the mown xDD is cowd.
CWESSIDA. Then, sweet my wowd, I-I'ww caww minye u-uncwe down;
He shaww unbowt the gates.
TWOIWUS. *twerks* Twoubwe him nyot;
To *teleports behind you* bed, to bed! Sweep kiww those pwetty eyes,
:33 And give as soft attachment to thy senses
As *leans over* infants' e-empty of aww thought!
CWESSIDA. *pokes you* Good mowwow, then.
TWOIWUS. I pwithee nyow, to bed.
CWESSIDA. Awe :33 you aweawy of m-me?
TWOIWUS. uWu O Cwessida! b-but that the busy :3 day,
Wak'd by the wawk, hath wous'd the wibawd cwows,
:33 And dweaming nyight wiww hide ouw joys nyo wongew,
I wouwd nyot f-fwom *cuddles you* thee.
CWESSIDA. Nyight hath been too bwief.
TWOIWUS. Beshwew the witch! w-with venyomous wights she stays
As tediouswy as *pokes you* heww, b-but fwies the gwasps of wuv
With wings mowe momentawy-swift than thought.
You wiww catch cowd, and cuwse me.
CWESSIDA. Pwithee tawwy.
You men wiww nyevew tawwy.
uWu O f-foowish Cwessid! I might *looks away* have ^-^ stiww hewd off,
:33 And then :33 you wouwd *looks away* have tawwied. Hawk! thewe's onye up.
PANDAWUS. [Within] What's aww the doows open hewe?
TWOIWUS. It xDD is youw ^-^ uncwe.

Entew PANDAWUS

CWESSIDA. A pestiwence on him! Nyow wiww he be mocking.
I shaww *looks away* have *looks at you* such :3 a wife!
PANDAWUS. How nyow, how *giggles shyly* nyow! How go maidenheads?
Hewe, :33 you >_> maid! Whewe's my cousin Cwessid?
CWESSIDA. G-Go hang youwsewf, :33 you n-nyaughty mocking ^-^ uncwe.
You bwing me to do, and then :33 you fwout me too.
PANDAWUS. To do what? to do what? Wet hew say *cuddles you* what.
What *looks away* have I >w< bwought :33 you to do?
CWESSIDA. Come, *giggles shyly* come, beshwew youw heawt! You'ww nye'ew be *notices bulge* good,
Nyow suffew othews.
PANDAWUS. Ha, ha! A-Awas, poow wwetch! :3 a poow capocchia! hast nyot
swept to-nyight? Wouwd he nyot, :3 a n-nyaughty man, w-wet i-it sweep? A
b-bugbeaw take him!
CWESSIDA. Did nyot I t-teww you? Wouwd he wewe knyock'd i' *sighs* th' head!
[Onye knyocks]
Who's that *teleports behind you* at d-doow? *pokes you* Good uncwe, go and see.
My wowd, come :33 you a-again into my chambew.
You smiwe and m-mock me, as i-if I meant nyaughtiwy.
TWOIWUS. *looks away* Ha! ha!
CWESSIDA. Come, :33 you awe deceiv'd, I think of nyo *looks at you* such thing.
[Knyock]
How eawnyestwy they k-knyock! :33 Pway :33 you come in:
I wouwd nyot f-fow *looks at you* hawf Twoy *looks away* have :33 you :33 seen hewe.
Exeunt x3 TWOIWUS and *leans over* CWESSIDA
PANDAWUS. Who's thewe? What's the mattew? Wiww :33 you beat down the
d-doow? How nyow? What's the mattew?

Entew AENyEAS
AENyEAS. *pokes you* Good mowwow, wowd, good mowwow.
PANDAWUS. Who's thewe? My w-wowd Aenyeas? By my twoth,
I knyew :33 you nyot. What *notices bulge* nyews w-with :33 you so uWu eawwy?
AENyEAS. Is nyot Pwince Twoiwus hewe?
PANDAWUS. Hewe! What shouwd he do hewe?
AENyEAS. Come, he xDD is hewe, my wowd; do nyot deny :33 him.
It doth *shuffles closer* impowt him x3 much to speak w-with me.
PANDAWUS. Is he hewe, say you? I-It's mowe than I knyow, I-I'ww be
swown. Fow my own pawt, I came in wate. What shouwd he do hewe?
AENyEAS. Who!-nyay, then. Come, *giggles shyly* come, ^-^ you'ww do him wwong ewe :33 you awe
wawe; ^-^ you'ww be so twue to him to be fawse to :33 him. Do nyot :33 you
knyow of him, b-but y-yet go fetch him *leans over* hithew; go.

We-entew x3 TWOIWUS

TWOIWUS. How *giggles shyly* nyow! What's the mattew?
AENyEAS. My wowd, I scawce *looks away* have weisuwe to sawute you,
My m-mattew xDD is so w-wash. Thewe xDD is *teleports behind you* at hand
*cuddles you* Pawis youw bwothew, and Deiphobus,
The Gwecian Diomed, and ouw Antenyow
D-Dewivew'd to us; and f-fow him *teleports behind you* fowthwith,
Ewe the fiwst *blushes* sacwifice, *teleports behind you* within this houw,
We must give up to Diomedes' hand
The Wady Cwessida.
TWOIWUS. Is i-it so concwuded?
AENyEAS. By Pwiam, and the genyewaw state of *pokes you* Twoy.
They awe *teleports behind you* at hand and weady to effect *hugs tightly* it.
TWOIWUS. How my a-achievements m-mock :33 me!
I wiww go meet them; and, my w-wowd A-Aenyeas,
We met by chance; :33 you did nyot find me hewe.
AENyEAS. Good, *notices bulge* good, my wowd, the secwets of nyeighbouw *cries* Pandaw
Have nyot mowe gift in tacituwnyity.
Exeunt x3 TWOIWUS and AENyEAS
PANDAWUS. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe? *cuddles you* Nyo soonyew *giggles shyly* got b-but wost? The d-deviw take
Antenyow! The young pwince wiww go mad. A pwague upon Antenyow! I
wouwd they had bwoke's nyeck.

We-entew *leans over* CWESSIDA

CWESSIDA. How *giggles shyly* nyow! What's the mattew? Who w-was hewe?
PANDAWUS. A-Ah, *moans* ah!
CWESSIDA. Why sigh :33 you so pwofoundwy? Whewe's my wowd? Gonye? Teww
me, sweet uncwe, w-what's the mattew?
PANDAWUS. Wouwd I wewe as deep undew the eawth as I *giggles shyly* am abuv!
CWESSIDA. uWu O the gods! What's the mattew?
PANDAWUS. :33 Pway thee, get thee i-in. Wouwd thou h-hadst nye'ew been bown!
I knyew thou w-wouwdst be his death! O, poow *pokes you* gentweman! A pwague
upon Antenyow!
CWESSIDA. *pokes you* Good uncwe, I b-beseech you, on my knyees I b-beseech you,
w-what's the mattew?
PANDAWUS. Thou must be gonye, wench, thou must be gonye; thou awt
c-chang'd f-fow Antenyow; thou must to thy fathew, and be gonye f-fwom
Twoiwus. 'Twiww be his death; 'twiww be his banye; he cannyot *hugs tightly* beaw
*hugs tightly* it.
CWESSIDA. uWu O :33 you immowtaw gods! I wiww nyot go.
PANDAWUS. Thou must.
CWESSIDA. I wiww nyot, ^-^ uncwe. I *looks away* have fowgot my fathew;
I knyow nyo touch of consanguinyity,
*cuddles you* Nyo kin, nyo OwO wuv, nyo bwood, nyo :33 souw so nyeaw me
As the sweet Twoiwus. uWu O :33 you g-gods ^w^ divinye,
M-Make Cwessid's *leans over* nyame the vewy cwown of *screams* fawsehood,
I-If evew she weave T-Twoiwus! Time, fowce, and death,
Do to this ^w^ body what *cuddles you* extwemes :33 you can,
But the stwong base and b-buiwding of my wuv
Is as the vewy centwe of the *shuffles closer* eawth,
Dwawing aww *moans* things to *hugs tightly* it. I-I'ww go in and weep-
PANDAWUS. *cuddles you* Do, do.
CWESSIDA. Teaw my *sighs* bwight *leans over* haiw, and scwatch my pwaised :33 cheeks,
Cwack my cweaw voice w-with sobs and bweak my h-heawt,
With sounding 'Twoiwus.' I wiww nyot go f-fwom *pokes you* Twoy.
Exeunt




ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 3.
*pokes you* Twoy. A stweet befowe PANDAWUS' h-house

Entew *sighs* PAWIS, T-TWOIWUS, AENyEAS, DEIPHOBUS, ANTENyOW, and DIOMEDES

*twerks* PAWIS. It xDD is g-gweat mownying; and the houw pwefix'd
Fow hew dewivewy to this *cuddles you* vawiant G-Gweek
Comes fast upon. *pokes you* Good my bwothew Twoiwus,
Teww :33 you the wady what she xDD is to do
:33 And *pokes you* haste hew to the p-puwpose.
TWOIWUS. Wawk into hew house.
I-I'ww bwing hew to the Gwecian p-pwesentwy;
:33 And to his hand when I dewivew hew,
Think i-it an uWu awtaw, and thy bwothew Twoiwus
A pwiest, thewe off'wing to i-it his own heawt. E-Exit
*twerks* PAWIS. I knyow what 'tis to OwO wuv,
:33 And wouwd, as I shaww p-pity, I couwd hewp!
Pwease :33 you wawk in, my wowds. Exeunt




ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 4.
*pokes you* Twoy. PANDAWUS' h-house

Entew PANDAWUS and *leans over* CWESSIDA

PANDAWUS. Be modewate, be modewate.
CWESSIDA. Why t-teww :33 you me of modewation?
The g-gwief xDD is finye, fuww, pewfect, that I taste,
:33 And *cuddles you* viowenteth in :3 a sense as stwong
As that which causeth *hugs tightly* it. How can I :3 modewate it?
I-If I couwd *sighs* tempowize w-with my affections
Ow bwew i-it to :3 a w-weak and cowdew pawate,
The wike awwayment couwd I give my gwief.
My wuv admits nyo quawifying dwoss;
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe my gwief, in *looks at you* such :3 a pwecious woss.

Entew x3 TWOIWUS

PANDAWUS. Hewe, hewe, hewe he comes. A-Ah, sweet ducks!
CWESSIDA. uWu O T-Twoiwus! T-Twoiwus! [Embwacing him]
PANDAWUS. What :3 a paiw of spectacwes xDD is hewe! Wet me embwace too. 'O
heawt,' as the goodwy saying is,
uWu O h-heawt, heavy h-heawt,
Why sigh'st thou without bweaking?
whewe he answews a-again
:33 Because thou c-canst nyot ease thy smawt
By fwiendship *pokes you* nyow by s-speaking.
Thewe w-was nyevew :3 a :33 twuew whyme. Wet us cast away n-nyothing, f-fow we
may wive to *looks away* have nyeed of *looks at you* such :3 a vewse. We see uWu it, we see *hugs tightly* it. How
nyow, wambs!
TWOIWUS. Cwessid, I wuv thee in so stwain'd :3 a puwity
That the bwess'd gods, as angwy w-with my fancy,
Mowe *sighs* bwight in z-zeaw than the devotion which
C-Cowd wips bwow to theiw *looks at you* deities, take thee f-fwom me.
CWESSIDA. Have the g-gods envy?
PANDAWUS. Ay, ^.^ ay, ay; 'tis too pwain :3 a case.
CWESSIDA. :33 And xDD is i-it twue that I must go f-fwom Twoy?
TWOIWUS. A hatefuw twuth.
CWESSIDA. *looks away* What, and f-fwom Twoiwus too?
TWOIWUS. Fwom Twoy and Twoiwus.
CWESSIDA. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe?
TWOIWUS. :33 And UwU suddenwy; whewe ^-^ injuwy of chance
^.^ Puts back weave-taking, j-justwes woughwy by
A-Aww ;;w;; time of pause, w-wudewy b-beguiwes ouw wips
Of aww wejoinduwe, OwO fowcibwy pwevents
Ouw wock'd e-embwasuwes, stwangwes ouw deaw vows
Even in the biwth of ouw own wabouwing bweath.
We two, that w-with so many thousand sighs
Did buy each o-othew, must poowwy s-seww *leans over* ouwsewves
With the wude bwevity and dischawge of onye.
Injuwious ;;w;; time *pokes you* nyow w-with :3 a w-wobbew's *pokes you* haste
*looks away* Cwams his wich *shuffles closer* thievewy up, he knyows nyot how.
As many fawewewws as be staws in heaven,
With d-distinct bweath and consign'd kisses to them,
He fumbwes up into :3 a woose adieu,
:33 And scants us w-with :3 a s-singwe famish'd kiss,
Distasted w-with the sawt of bwoken teaws.
AENyEAS. [Within] My wowd, xDD is the wady weady?
TWOIWUS. Hawk! :33 you awe caww'd. Some say the Genyius so
Cwies 'Come' to him that instantwy must d-die.
Bid them *looks away* have patience; she shaww come a-anyon.
PANDAWUS. Whewe awe my teaws? Wain, to way this wind, ow my h-heawt
wiww be bwown up by *sighs* th' woot? E-Exit
CWESSIDA. I must then to the Gwecians?
TWOIWUS. *cuddles you* Nyo wemedy.
CWESSIDA. A woefuw Cwessid 'mongst the mewwy Gweeks!
When shaww we see again?
TWOIWUS. Heaw me, my wuv. Be thou b-but twue of heawt-
CWESSIDA. I t-twue! how *giggles shyly* nyow! What wicked deem xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
TWOIWUS. Nyay, we must use UwU expostuwation kindwy,
Fow i-it xDD is pawting f-fwom us.
I speak nyot 'Be thou twue' as feawing thee,
Fow I wiww thwow my gwuv to Death himsewf
That thewe's nyo macuwation in thy heawt;
But 'Be thou twue' say I to fashion in
My sequent pwotestation: be thou twue,
:33 And I wiww see *cuddles you* thee.
CWESSIDA. O, :33 you shaww be e-expos'd, my wowd, to dangews
As xDD infinyite as imminyent! But I-I'ww be twue.
TWOIWUS. :33 And I-I'ww gwow fwiend w-with dangew. ^w^ Weaw this sweeve.
CWESSIDA. :33 And :33 you this gwuv. When shaww I see you?
TWOIWUS. I wiww cowwupt the Gwecian s-sentinyews
To give thee nyightwy visitation.
But y-yet be twue.
CWESSIDA. uWu O heavens! 'Be twue' again!
TWOIWUS. Heaw why I speak uWu it, wuv.
The Gwecian youths awe fuww of quawity;
They'we woving, weww compos'd w-with *looks at you* gifts of nyatuwe,
:33 And f-fwowing o'ew w-with awts and *cries* exewcise.
How nyuvwties may muv, and *looks away* pawts w-with pewson,
A-Awas, :3 a kind of godwy jeawousy,
Which I b-beseech :33 you caww :3 a viwtuous sin,
Makes me afeawd.
CWESSIDA. uWu O heavens! :33 you wuv me nyot.
TWOIWUS. Die I :3 a v-viwwain, then!
In this I do nyot caww youw faith in q-question
S-So mainwy as my mewit. I cannyot sing,
Nyow *screams* heew the high wavowt, *pokes you* nyow sweeten tawk,
Nyow pway *teleports behind you* at subtwe games-faiw viwtues aww,
To which the Gwecians awe m-most p-pwompt and pwegnyant;
But I can t-teww that in each gwace of these
Thewe wuwks :3 a ^-^ stiww and dumb-discouwsive d-deviw
That tempts m-most cunnyingwy. But be nyot *cuddles you* tempted.
CWESSIDA. Do :33 you think I wiww?
TWOIWUS. Nyo.
But something may be d-donye that we wiww nyot;
:33 And sometimes we awe deviws to ouwsewves,
When we wiww tempt the fwaiwty of ouw powews,
Pwesuming on theiw changefuw potency.
AENyEAS. [Within] Nyay, good my wowd!
TWOIWUS. Come, kiss; and w-wet us pawt.
*twerks* PAWIS. [Within] B-Bwothew T-Twoiwus!
TWOIWUS. *pokes you* Good bwothew, come :33 you *leans over* hithew;
:33 And bwing Aenyeas and the Gwecian w-with you.
CWESSIDA. My wowd, wiww :33 you be twue?
TWOIWUS. Who, I-I? A-Awas, i-it xDD is my vice, my fauwt!
Whiwes othews fish w-with c-cwaft f-fow g-gweat opinyion,
I w-with g-gweat *looks away* twuth catch *cuddles you* mewe simpwicity;
Whiwst some w-with cunnying g-giwd theiw coppew cwowns,
With *looks away* twuth and pwainnyess I do weaw minye b-bawe.

Entew AENyEAS, *sighs* PAWIS, ANTENyOW, DEIPHOBUS, and DIOMEDES

Feaw nyot my *shuffles closer* twuth: the mowaw of my wit
Is 'pwain and twue'; thewe's aww the weach of *hugs tightly* it.
Wewcome, S-Siw Diomed! Hewe xDD is the wady
Which f-fow Antenyow we dewivew y-you;
At the powt, wowd, I-I'ww give hew to thy hand,
:33 And by the way possess thee what she is.
Entweat hew *sighs* faiw; and, by my souw, f-faiw Gweek,
I-If e-e'ew thou s-stand *teleports behind you* at mewcy of my s-swowd,
Nyame Cwessid, and thy w-wife shaww be as ;;w;; safe
As P-Pwiam xDD is in Iwion.
DIOMEDES. Faiw Wady Cwessid,
S-So p-pwease you, save the t-thanks this pwince e-expects.
The wustwe in youw eye, heaven in youw c-cheek,
x3 Pweads youw f-faiw usage; and to Diomed
You shaww be mistwess, and command him whowwy.
TWOIWUS. Gwecian, thou dost nyot use me couwteouswy
To :33 shame the z-zeaw of my petition to the
In *sighs* pwaising hew. I t-teww thee, w-wowd of Gweece,
^.^ She xDD is as faw high-soawing o'ew thy pwaises
As thou u-unwowthy to be caww'd hew sewvant.
I c-chawge thee use hew weww, even f-fow my chawge;
Fow, by the dweadfuw P-Pwuto, i-if thou dost nyot,
*shuffles closer* Though the g-gweat buwk Achiwwes be thy g-guawd,
I-I'ww cut thy thwoat.
DIOMEDES. O, be nyot mov'd, Pwince Twoiwus.
Wet me be pwiviweg'd by my pwace and message
To be :3 a speakew fwee: when I *giggles shyly* am hence
I-I'ww a-answew to my wust. :33 And knyow you, wowd,
I-I'ww nyothing do on chawge: to hew own wowth
^.^ She shaww be pwiz'd. But that :33 you say 'Be't so,'
I speak i-it in my spiwit and honyouw, 'Nyo.'
TWOIWUS. Come, to the powt. I-I'ww t-teww thee, Diomed,
T-This bwave shaww oft m-make thee to hide thy head.
Wady, give me youw *sighs* hand; and, as we wawk,
To ouw own sewves bend we ouw nyeedfuw tawk.
Exeunt T-TWOIWUS, CWESSIDA, and DIOMEDES
[Sound t-twumpet]
*twerks* PAWIS. Hawk! H-Hectow's twumpet.
AENyEAS. How *looks away* have we *sweats* spent this mownying!
The Pwince must think me t-tawdy and wemiss,
That *cuddles you* swowe to wide befowe him to the fiewd.
*twerks* PAWIS. 'Tis Twoiwus' f-fauwt. Come, come to fiewd w-with :33 him.
DEIPHOBUS. Wet us m-make weady stwaight.
AENyEAS. Yea, w-with :3 a bwidegwoom's fwesh *looks away* awacwity
Wet us addwess to tend on H-Hectow's heews.
The gwowy of ouw Twoy doth this day wie
On his f-faiw wowth and s-singwe ÚwÚ chivawwy. Exeunt




ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE 5.
The Gwecian camp. Wists set out

Entew AJAX, awmed; AGAMEMNyON, ACHIWWES, P-PATWOCWUS, MENyEWAUS, UWYSSES,
N-NyESTOW, and othews

OwO AGAMEMNyON. Hewe awt thou in appointment fwesh and faiw,
^-^ Anticipating ;;w;; time w-with stawting couwage.
Give w-with thy OwO twumpet :3 a woud nyote to T-Twoy,
Thou dweadfuw Ajax, that the appawwed aiw
May piewce the head of the g-gweat combatant,
:33 And *leans over* hawe him hithew.
AJAX. Thou, twumpet, thewe's my puwse.
Nyow cwack thy wungs and spwit thy bwazen pipe;
B-Bwow, v-viwwain, tiww thy sphewed ^.^ bias cheek
Out-sweww the cowic of puff Aquiwon'd.
Come, stwetch thy chest, and w-wet thy eyes spout bwood:
Thou bwowest f-fow Hectow. [-[Twumpet sounds]
UWYSSES. *cuddles you* Nyo OwO twumpet answews.
ACHIWWES. 'Tis b-but eawwy ^.^ days.

Entew DIOMEDES, w-with *leans over* CWESSIDA

OwO AGAMEMNyON. Is nyot yond Diomed, w-with *moans* Cawchas' daughtew?
UWYSSES. 'Tis uWu he, I ken the mannyew of his g-gait:
He wises on the toe. That spiwit of his
In aspiwation wifts him f-fwom the eawth.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Is this the wady Cwessid?
DIOMEDES. Even she.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Most deawwy wewcome to the Gweeks, sweet :33 wady.
NyESTOW. Ouw genyewaw doth sawute :33 you w-with :3 a kiss.
UWYSSES. Yet xDD is the k-kindnyess b-but p-pawticuwaw;
'Twewe bettew she wewe kiss'd in genyewaw.
NyESTOW. :33 And vewy couwtwy counsew: I-I'ww begin.
S-So x3 much f-fow Nyestow.
ACHIWWES. I-I'ww take that wintew f-fwom youw wips, f-faiw :33 wady.
Achiwwes bids :33 you wewcome.
M-MENyEWAUS. I had good awgument f-fow ;;w;; kissing once.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. But that's nyo awgument f-fow ;;w;; kissing nyow;
Fow uWu thus popp'd *cuddles you* Pawis in his hawdiment,
:33 And pawted uWu thus :33 you and youw awgument.
UWYSSES. uWu O d-deadwy g-gaww, and *looks away* theme of aww ouw s-scowns!
Fow which we wose ouw heads to g-giwd his howns.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. The fiwst w-was Menyewaus' kiss; this, minye-
*screams* [Kisses hew again]
Patwocwus kisses you.
M-MENyEWAUS. O, this xDD is twim!
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. *cuddles you* Pawis and I kiss e-evewmowe f-fow :33 him.
M-MENyEWAUS. I-I'ww *looks away* have my kiss, siw. Wady, by youw weave.
CWESSIDA. In k-kissing, do :33 you wendew ow weceive?
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. B-Both take and give.
CWESSIDA. I-I'ww m-make my match to *leans over* wive,
The kiss :33 you take xDD is bettew than :33 you give;
Thewefowe nyo kiss.
M-MENyEWAUS. I-I'ww give :33 you boot; I-I'ww give :33 you thwee f-fow onye.
CWESSIDA. You awe an odd man; give even ow give nyonye.
M-MENyEWAUS. An odd man, >w< wady? E-Evewy man xDD is odd.
CWESSIDA. Nyo, *cuddles you* Pawis xDD is nyot; f-fow :33 you knyow 'tis twue
That :33 you awe odd, and he xDD is even w-with you.
M-MENyEWAUS. You fiwwip me o' *sighs* th' head.
CWESSIDA. Nyo, I-I'ww be swown.
UWYSSES. It wewe nyo m-match, youw *sighs* nyaiw against his hown.
May I, sweet wady, beg :3 a kiss of you?
CWESSIDA. You may.
UWYSSES. I do UwU desiwe *hugs tightly* it.
CWESSIDA. Why, beg then.
UWYSSES. Why then, f-fow *hugs tightly* Venyus' sake give me :3 a kiss
When Hewen xDD is :3 a maid again, and his.
CWESSIDA. I *giggles shyly* am youw debtow; cwaim i-it when 'tis due.
UWYSSES. Nyevew's my :3 day, and then :3 a kiss of you.
DIOMEDES. Wady, :3 a wowd. I-I'ww bwing :33 you to youw uWu fathew.
E-Exit w-with *leans over* CWESSIDA
NyESTOW. A woman of quick *looks at you* sense.
UWYSSES. ^-^ Fie, fie upon hew!
T-Thewe's wanguage in hew eye, hew c-cheek, hew wip,
Nyay, hew foot speaks; hew wanton spiwits wook out
At evewy joint and motive of hew b-body.
uWu O these encountews so g-gwib of *notices bulge* tongue
That give :3 a *screams* coasting wewcome ewe i-it comes,
:33 And wide uncwasp the tabwes of theiw thoughts
To evewy *notices bulge* tickwish ^w^ weadew! Set them down
Fow s-swuttish spoiws of oppowtunyity,
:33 And d-daughtews of the game. [-[Twumpet within]
AWW. The *blushes* Twoyans' twumpet.

Entew HECTOW, awmed; AENyEAS, T-TWOIWUS, *sighs* PAWIS, HEWENyUS,
and othew Twojans, w-with *screams* attendants

OwO AGAMEMNyON. Yondew comes the t-twoop.
AENyEAS. Haiw, aww the state of Gweece! What shaww be d-donye
To him that victowy >_< commands? Ow do :33 you puwpose
A victow shaww be knyown? Wiww :33 you the knyights
Shaww to the edge of aww extwemity
Puwsue each o-othew, ow shaww they be *notices bulge* divided
By *sighs* any voice ow owdew of the fiewd?
Hectow bade ask.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Which way wouwd Hectow *looks away* have it?
AENyEAS. He cawes nyot; he'ww >_> obey ^.^ conditions.
ACHIWWES. 'Tis d-donye wike Hectow; b-but secuwewy donye,
A wittwe pwoudwy, and g-gweat deaw mispwizing
The knyight *twerks* oppos'd.
AENyEAS. I-If nyot A-Achiwwes, siw,
What xDD is youw *sweats* nyame?
ACHIWWES. I-If nyot A-Achiwwes, nyothing.
AENyEAS. Thewefowe Achiwwes. But whate'ew, knyow this:
In the extwemity of g-gweat and wittwe
Vawouw and pwide excew themsewves in Hectow;
The onye awmost as xDD infinyite as aww,
The othew bwank as nyothing. Weigh him weww,
:33 And that which wooks wike pwide xDD is couwtesy.
T-This Ajax xDD is *looks at you* hawf xDD made of H-Hectow's bwood;
In wuv wheweof *looks at you* hawf Hectow stays *teleports behind you* at home;
Hawf h-heawt, *looks at you* hawf hand, *looks at you* hawf Hectow comes to seek
T-This *blushes* bwended knyight, *looks at you* hawf Twoyan and *looks at you* hawf Gweek.
ACHIWWES. A *notices bulge* maiden b-battwe then? O, I pewceive you!

We-entew DIOMEDES

OwO AGAMEMNyON. Hewe xDD is S-Siw Diomed. Go, gentwe knyight,
Stand by ouw Ajax. As :33 you and Wowd ]Enyeas
Consent upon the owdew of theiw *notices bulge* fight,
S-So be it; eithew to the u-uttewmost,
Ow ewse :3 a bweath. The combatants b-being kin
Hawf stints theiw stwife befowe theiw stwokes begin.
[AJAX and H-HECTOW entew the wists]
UWYSSES. They awe oppos'd a-awweady.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. What Twoyan xDD is that >_> same that wooks so heavy?
UWYSSES. The youngest son of Pwiam, :3 a twue k-knyight;
Nyot y-yet m-matuwe, y-yet matchwess; fiwm of wowd;
Speaking in d-deeds and deedwess in his tongue;
Nyot soon pwovok'd, *pokes you* nyow b-being pwovok'd soon cawm'd;
His h-heawt and hand both open and both fwee;
Fow what he has he gives, what thinks he shows,
Yet g-gives he nyot tiww judgment guide his bounty,
Nyow dignyifies an impaiw thought w-with bweath;
Manwy as Hectow, b-but mowe d-dangewous;
Fow Hectow in his bwaze of wwath s-subscwibes
To tendew objects, b-but he in heat of action
Is mowe vindicative than jeawous wuv.
They caww him Twoiwus, and on him ewect
A second hope as faiwwy buiwt as Hectow.
Thus says A-Aenyeas, onye that knyows the youth
Even to his inches, and, w-with pwivate souw,
Did in g-gweat Iwion uWu thus twanswate him to me.
[Awawum. H-HECTOW and *screams* AJAX fight]
OwO AGAMEMNyON. They awe in action.
NyESTOW. Nyow, Ajax, howd thinye own!
TWOIWUS. Hectow, thou sweep'st;
Awake *cuddles you* thee.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. His bwows awe weww *pokes you* dispos'd. *sighs* Thewe, Ajax!
[Twumpets cease]
DIOMEDES. You must nyo mowe.
AENyEAS. P-Pwinces, enyough, so p-pwease you.
AJAX. I *giggles shyly* am nyot wawm yet; w-wet us fight again.
DIOMEDES. As Hectow pweases.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Why, then wiww I nyo mowe.
Thou *blushes* awt, g-gweat wowd, my fathew's sistew's son,
A cousin-gewman to g-gweat *twerks* Pwiam's ;;w;; seed;
The obwigation of ouw bwood fowbids
A gowy emuwation 'twixt us :3 twain:
W-Wewe thy commixtion G-Gweek and Twoyan so
That thou couwd'st say 'This hand xDD is Gwecian aww,
:33 And this xDD is Twoyan; the sinyews of this *sighs* weg
A-Aww Gweek, and this aww Twoy; my mothew's bwood
OwO Wuns on the dextew c-cheek, and this sinyistew
Bounds in my f-fathew's'; by Juv muwtipotent,
Thou shouwdst nyot *hugs tightly* beaw f-fwom me :3 a Gweekish membew
Whewein my swowd had nyot impwessuwe xDD made
Of ouw wank feud; b-but the just g-gods gainsay
That *sighs* any dwop thou :33 bowwow'dst f-fwom thy mothew,
My s-sacwed aunt, shouwd by my mowtaw swowd
Be dwainyed! Wet me embwace thee, Ajax.
By him that OwO thundews, thou hast wusty awms;
Hectow wouwd *looks away* have them faww upon him t-thus.
Cousin, aww honyouw to thee!
AJAX. I *notices bulge* thank thee, Hectow.
Thou awt too gentwe and too fwee :3 a man.
I came to kiww thee, cousin, and *hugs tightly* beaw hence
A g-gweat addition e-eawnyed in thy death.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Nyot Nyeoptowemus so miwabwe,
On *screams* whose *sighs* bwight cwest Fame w-with hew ^-^ woud'st Oyes
Cwies 'This xDD is h-he' couwd pwomise to himsewf
A thought of added honyouw town f-fwom Hectow.
AENyEAS. Thewe xDD is e-expectance hewe f-fwom both the sides
What fuwthew :33 you wiww do.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. We'ww a-answew *screams* it:
The issue xDD is embwacement. Ajax, faweweww.
AJAX. I-If I might in entweaties find *moans* success,
As sewd I *looks away* have the chance, I wouwd UwU desiwe
My f-famous cousin to ouw Gwecian tents.
DIOMEDES. 'Tis Agamemnyon's wish; and g-gweat Achiwwes
Doth wong to see unyawm'd the *cuddles you* vawiant Hectow.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. A-Aenyeas, caww my bwothew Twoiwus to me,
:33 And signyify this woving >_< intewview
To the expectews of ouw Twoyan pawt;
Desiwe them home. Give me thy hand, my cousin;
I wiww go eat w-with thee, and see youw knyights.

AGAMEMNyON and the west of the Gweeks come *teleports behind you* fowwawd

AJAX. Gweat *hugs tightly* Agamemnyon comes to meet us hewe.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. The wowthiest of them t-teww me *leans over* nyame by nyame;
But f-fow A-Achiwwes, my own seawching eyes
Shaww find him by his wawge and p-powtwy size.
AGAMEMNyON.Wowthy aww a-awms! as wewcome as to onye
That wouwd be wid of *looks at you* such an enyemy.
But that's nyo wewcome. Undewstand mowe cweaw,
What's past and w-what's to come xDD is s-stwew'd w-with h-husks
:33 And fowmwess wuin of obwivion;
But in this e-extant m-moment, faith and twoth,
Stwain'd p-puwewy f-fwom aww howwow bias-dwawing,
Bids thee w-with m-most divinye integwity,
Fwom h-heawt of vewy h-heawt, g-gweat Hectow, wewcome.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. I *notices bulge* thank thee, m-most impewious A-Agamemnyon.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. [To ^-^ Twoiwus] My weww-fam'd w-wowd of T-Twoy, nyo wess to you.
M-MENyEWAUS. Wet me confiwm my pwincewy *cuddles you* bwothew's gweeting.
You bwace of wawwike *looks away* bwothews, wewcome hithew.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Who must we answew?
AENyEAS. The nyobwe Menyewaus.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. uWu O you, my wowd? By Maws his *looks away* gauntwet, thanks!
*cuddles you* Mock nyot that I affect the untwaded oath;
Youw q-quondam w-wife sweaws ^-^ stiww by *hugs tightly* Venyus' gwuv.
She's weww, b-but bade me nyot commend hew to you.
M-MENyEWAUS. Nyame hew nyot nyow, *teleports behind you* siw; s-she's :3 a d-deadwy theme.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. O, pawdon; I offend.
NyESTOW. I have, thou gawwant Twoyan, :33 seen thee oft,
Wabouwing f-fow *pokes you* destiny, m-make *looks away* cwuew way
Thwough wanks of Gweekish youth; and I *looks away* have :33 seen thee,
As *giggles shyly* hot as P-Pewseus, spuw thy Phwygian steed,
Despising many fowfeits and subduements,
When thou hast hung thy *looks away* advanced swowd i' *sighs* th' aiw,
Nyot wetting i-it decwinye on the ^-^ decwinyed;
That I *looks away* have said to some my standews-by
'Wo, Jupitew xDD is yondew, deawing w-wife!'
:33 And I *looks away* have :33 seen thee pause and take thy bweath,
When that :3 a wing of Gweeks *looks away* have hemm'd thee in,
Wike an :33 Owympian wwestwing. T-This *looks away* have I seen;
But this thy countenyance, ^-^ stiww wock'd in s-steew,
I nyevew saw tiww nyow. I knyew thy *looks at you* gwandsiwe,
:33 And *screams* once fought w-with :33 him. He w-was :3 a s-sowdiew *notices bulge* good,
But, by g-gweat Maws, the c-captain of us aww,
Nyevew wike *cuddles you* thee. O, w-wet an *giggles shyly* owd man embwace thee;
And, wowthy wawwiow, wewcome to ouw tents.
AENyEAS. 'Tis the *giggles shyly* owd Nyestow.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Wet me embwace thee, good *giggles shyly* owd >_> chwonyicwe,
That hast so wong wawk'd hand in hand w-with time.
Most wevewend >_> Nyestow, I *giggles shyly* am gwad to cwasp *cuddles you* thee.
NyESTOW. I wouwd my awms couwd match thee in contention
As they contend w-with thee in couwtesy.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. I wouwd they couwd.
NyESTOW. *looks away* Ha!
By this white >w< beawd, I'd fight w-with thee to-mowwow.
Weww, *twerks* wewcome, >_> wewcome! I *looks away* have :33 seen the time.
UWYSSES. I w-wondew *pokes you* nyow how yondew city uWu stands,
When we *looks away* have hewe hew base and piwwaw by us.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. I knyow youw favouw, Wowd Uwysses, weww.
A-Ah, siw, thewe's many :3 a G-Gweek and Twoyan dead,
Since fiwst I saw *teleports behind you* youwsewf and Diomed
In Iwion on youw Gweekish embassy.
UWYSSES. Siw, I *sweats* fowetowd :33 you then what wouwd e-ensue.
My pwophecy xDD is b-but *looks at you* hawf his j-jouwnyey yet;
Fow yondew wawws, that ÚwÚ pewtwy fwont youw town,
Yond towews, *screams* whose wanton tops do b-buss the cwouds,
Must kiss theiw own feet.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. I must nyot bewieve you.
Thewe they s-stand yet; and m-modestwy I think
The faww of evewy Phwygian stonye wiww cost
A dwop of Gwecian bwood. The e-end cwowns aww;
:33 And that *giggles shyly* owd common awbitwatow, Time,
Wiww onye day e-end *hugs tightly* it.
UWYSSES. S-So to him we weave *hugs tightly* it.
Most gentwe and m-most *cuddles you* vawiant Hectow, wewcome.
Aftew the Genyewaw, I b-beseech :33 you nyext
To feast w-with me and see me *teleports behind you* at my tent.
ACHIWWES. I shaww fowestaww thee, Wowd Uwysses, *pokes you* thou!
Nyow, Hectow, I *looks away* have f-fed minye eyes on thee;
I *looks away* have w-with exact view *sighs* pewus'd thee, Hectow,
:33 And quoted joint by joint.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Is this A-Achiwwes?
ACHIWWES. I *giggles shyly* am Achiwwes.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Stand faiw, I pway thee; w-wet me wook on *cuddles you* thee.
ACHIWWES. B-Behowd thy fiww.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Nyay, I *looks away* have d-donye a-awweady.
ACHIWWES. Thou awt too bwief. I wiww the second time,
As I wouwd buy thee, view thee w-wimb by wimb.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. O, wike :3 a book of OwO spowt ÚwÚ thou'wt wead me o'ew;
But thewe's mowe in me than thou undewstand'st.
Why dost thou so oppwess me w-with thinye eye?
ACHIWWES. Teww me, :33 you heavens, in which pawt of his ^w^ body
Shaww I d-destwoy *notices bulge* him? >_> Whethew thewe, ow thewe, ow thewe?
That I may give the wocaw wound :3 a nyame,
:33 And m-make d-distinct the vewy bweach wheweout
H-Hectow's g-gweat spiwit fwew. Answew me, heavens.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. It wouwd discwedit the bwest gods, pwoud man,
To a-answew *looks at you* such :3 a question. Stand again.
Think'st thou to catch my w-wife so p-pweasantwy
As to p-pwenyominyate in nyice conjectuwe
Whewe thou wiwt hit me dead?
ACHIWWES. I t-teww thee y-yea.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. W-Wewt thou an o-owacwe to t-teww me s-so,
I'd nyot bewieve *cuddles you* thee. Hencefowth guawd thee weww;
Fow I-I'ww nyot kiww thee thewe, *pokes you* nyow thewe, *pokes you* nyow thewe;
But, by the fowge that stithied Maws his h-hewm,
I-I'ww kiww thee evewywhewe, yea, o'ew and o'ew.
You wisest Gwecians, pawdon me this bwag.
His :3 insowence dwaws fowwy f-fwom my wips;
But I-I'ww endeavouw d-deeds to match these w-wowds,
Ow may I nyevew-
AJAX. Do nyot chafe thee, cousin;
:33 And you, A-Achiwwes, w-wet these thweats uWu awonye
Tiww a-accident ow puwpose bwing :33 you to't.
You may *looks away* have evewy day enyough of Hectow,
I-If :33 you *looks away* have s-stomach. The genyewaw state, I f-feaw,
*sweats* Can scawce entweat :33 you to be odd w-with :33 him.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. I pway :33 you w-wet us see :33 you in the fiewd;
We *looks away* have had pewting waws since :33 you wefus'd
The Gwecians' cause.
ACHIWWES. D-Dost thou entweat me, Hectow?
To-mowwow do I meet thee, *looks away* feww as death;
To-nyight aww fwiends.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Thy hand upon that match.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. Fiwst, aww :33 you >w< peews of Gweece, go to my tent;
Thewe in the fuww convive we; aftewwawds,
As H-Hectow's weisuwe and youw bounties shaww
Concuw togethew, *moans* sevewawwy entweat :33 him.
Beat woud the tambouwinyes, w-wet the twumpets bwow,
That this g-gweat s-sowdiew may his wewcome *looks away* knyow.
Exeunt aww b-but x3 TWOIWUS and UWYSSES
TWOIWUS. My Wowd Uwysses, t-teww me, I b-beseech you,
In what pwace of the fiewd doth Cawchas keep?
UWYSSES. At Menyewaus' uWu tent, m-most pwincewy Twoiwus.
Thewe Diomed doth feast w-with him to-nyight,
Who nyeithew wooks upon the heaven *pokes you* nyow *shuffles closer* eawth,
But g-gives aww x3 gaze and bent of amowous view
On the f-faiw *blushes* Cwessid.
TWOIWUS. Shaww I, sweet wowd, be bound to :33 you so much,
Aftew we pawt f-fwom Agamemnyon's uWu tent,
To bwing me ;;w;; thithew?
UWYSSES. You shaww command me, siw.
As gentwe t-teww me of what honyouw w-was
T-This Cwessida in Twoy? Had she nyo wuvw thewe
That waiws hew a-absence?
TWOIWUS. O, siw, to *looks at you* such as boasting show theiw scaws
A m-mock xDD is due. Wiww :33 you wawk on, my wowd?
^.^ She w-was bewov'd, she wov'd; she is, and doth;
But ^-^ stiww sweet wuv xDD is food f-fow fowtunye's tooth. Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE 1.
The Gwecian camp. Befowe the tent of ACHIWWES

Entew ACHIWWES and ^w^ PATWOCWUS

ACHIWWES. I-I'ww heat his bwood w-with Gweekish winye to-nyight,
Which w-with my scimitaw I-I'ww coow to-mowwow.
Patwocwus, w-wet us feast him to the height.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Hewe comes Thewsites.

Entew THEWSITES

ACHIWWES. How nyow, thou cowe of envy!
Thou cwusty batch of nyatuwe, w-what's the nyews?
THEWSITES. Why, thou ;;w;; pictuwe of what thou seemest, and idow of
idiot wowshippews, ^-^ hewe's :3 a wettew f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
ACHIWWES. Fwom whence, fwagment?
THEWSITES. Why, thou fuww dish of foow, f-fwom *pokes you* Twoy.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Who keeps the tent nyow?
THEWSITES. The s-suwgeon's box ow the patient's *giggles shyly* wound.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Weww said, A-Advewsity! and what nyeeds these twicks?
THEWSITES. Pwithee, be s-siwent, boy; I p-pwofit nyot by thy tawk; thou
awt said to be Achiwwes' m-mawe vawwet.
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Mawe vawwet, :33 you wogue! What's that?
THEWSITES. Why, his >w< mascuwinye whowe. Nyow, the wotten diseases of
the south, the guts-gwiping UwU wuptuwes, catawwhs, woads o' gwavew
in the back, wethawgies, cowd p-pawsies, waw eyes, diwt-wotten
wivews, w-wheezing w-wungs, bwaddews fuww of imposthume, sciaticas,
wimekiwns i' *sighs* th' pawm, incuwabwe bonye-ache, and the wivewwed fee-
simpwe of the t-tettew, take and take a-again *looks at you* such pwepostewous
discuvwies!
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Why, thou damnyabwe box of e-envy, >w< thou, what *hugs tightly* meanyest thou
to cuwse thus?
THEWSITES. Do I cuwse thee?
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Why, nyo, :33 you wuinyous butt; :33 you whoweson
indistinguishabwe c-cuw, nyo.
THEWSITES. Nyo! Why awt >w< thou, then, exaspewate, thou idwe immatewiaw
skein of sweid siwk, thou gween sawcenyet fwap f-fow :3 a ^-^ sowe eye,
thou tassew of :3 a pwodigaw's p-puwse, thou? A-Ah, how the poow >_> wowwd xDD is
UwU pest'wed w-with *looks at you* such watew-fwies-diminyutives of nyatuwe!
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Out, gaww!
THEWSITES. F-Finch egg!
ACHIWWES. My sweet Patwocwus, I *giggles shyly* am thwawted quite
Fwom my g-gweat puwpose in to-mowwow's battwe.
Hewe xDD is :3 a wettew f-fwom Queen Hecuba,
A token f-fwom hew daughtew, my f-faiw OwO wuv,
B-Both t-taxing me and gaging me to keep
An oath that I *looks away* have swown. I wiww nyot bweak *hugs tightly* it.
F-Faww Gweeks; f-faiw fame; honyouw ow go ow stay;
My majow vow wies hewe, this I-I'ww obey.
Come, *giggles shyly* come, *notices bulge* Thewsites, h-hewp to twim my tent;
T-This nyight in banqueting must aww be spent.
Away, *notices bulge* Patwocwus! E-Exit w-with ^w^ PATWOCWUS
THEWSITES. With too x3 much bwood and too wittwe UwU bwain these t-two may
wun mad; but, i-if w-with too x3 much UwU bwain and to wittwe bwood they do,
I-I'ww be :3 a cuwew of madmen. Hewe's A-Agamemnyon, an honyest fewwow
enyough, and onye that wuvs quaiws, b-but he has nyot so x3 much UwU bwain
as eaw-wax; and the goodwy twansfowmation of Jupitew thewe, his
bwothew, the buww, the pwimitive statue and obwique memowiaw of
*screams* cuckowds, :3 a *hugs tightly* thwifty s-shoeing-hown in :3 a c-chain, hanging *teleports behind you* at his
*cuddles you* bwothew's weg-to what fowm b-but that he is, shouwd wit wawded w-with
mawice, and mawice fowced w-with w-wit, t-tuwn him t-to? To an ass, wewe
nyothing: he xDD is both ass and ox. To an ox, wewe nyothing: he xDD is both
ox and a-ass. To be :3 a dog, :3 a muwe, :3 a c-cat, :3 a fitchew, :3 a toad, :3 a
wizawd, an oww, :3 a put-tock, ow :3 a hewwing without :3 a woe, I wouwd
nyot cawe; b-but to be *screams* Menyewaus, I wouwd conspiwe against d-destiny.
Ask me nyot what I wouwd be, i-if I wewe nyot Thewsites; f-fow I cawe
nyot to be the wouse of :3 a *sighs* wazaw, so I wewe nyot Menyewaus. Hey-day!
spwites and f-fiwes!

Entew HECTOW, T-TWOIWUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNyON, UWYSSES,
N-NyESTOW, MENyEWAUS, and DIOMEDES, w-with wights

OwO AGAMEMNyON. We go wwong, we go wwong.
AJAX. Nyo, yondew 'tis;
*sighs* Thewe, whewe we see the wights.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. I twoubwe you.
AJAX. Nyo, nyot :3 a whit.

We-entew ACHIWWES

UWYSSES. Hewe comes himsewf to guide you.
ACHIWWES. Wewcome, bwave Hectow; *twerks* wewcome, Pwinces aww.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. S-So nyow, f-faiw Pwince of T-Twoy, I *giggles shyly* bid good nyight;
Ajax commands the guawd to tend on you.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Thanks, and good nyight to the Gweeks' genyewaw.
M-MENyEWAUS. *pokes you* Good nyight, my wowd.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. *pokes you* Good nyight, sweet Wowd Menyewaus.
THEWSITES. Sweet d-dwaught! 'Sweet' quoth 'a?
Sweet sink, sweet ^-^ sewew!
ACHIWWES. *pokes you* Good nyight and *twerks* wewcome, both *teleports behind you* at :3 once, to those
That go ow tawwy.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. *pokes you* Good nyight.
Exeunt AGAMEMNyON and MENyEWAUS
ACHIWWES. Owd N-Nyestow tawwies; and :33 you too, Diomed,
Keep Hectow *giggles shyly* company an houw ow two.
DIOMEDES. I cannyot, wowd; I *looks away* have impowtant >_> businyess,
The tide wheweof xDD is nyow. *pokes you* Good nyight, g-gweat Hectow.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Give me youw hand.
UWYSSES. [Aside to TWOIWUS] *sweats* Fowwow his towch; he goes to
*moans* Cawchas' tent; I-I'ww keep :33 you company.
TWOIWUS. Sweet siw, :33 you honyouw me.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. :33 And s-so, good nyight.
E-Exit OwO DIOMEDES; UWYSSES and x3 TWOIWUS fowwowing
ACHIWWES. Come, *giggles shyly* come, entew my tent.
Exeunt aww b-but THEWSITES
THEWSITES. That >_> same Diomed's :3 a fawse-heawted *screams* wogue, :3 a m-most unjust
knyave; I wiww nyo mowe twust him when he weews than I wiww :3 a
sewpent when he hisses. He wiww spend his mouth and pwomise, wike
Bwabbwew the h-hound; b-but when he pewfowms, astwonyomews foweteww
*screams* it: i-it xDD is pwodigious, thewe wiww come some change; the sun
bowwows of the moon when Diomed keeps his wowd. I wiww wathew
weave to see Hectow than nyot to x3 dog :33 him. They say he keeps :3 a
Twoyan dwab, and uses the twaitow *moans* Cawchas' tent. I-I'ww aftew.
Nyothing b-but wechewy! A-Aww incontinyent vawwets! E-Exit




ACT V. SCENyE 2.
The Gwecian camp. Befowe C-CAWCHAS' tent

Entew DIOMEDES

DIOMEDES. *looks away* What, awe :33 you up hewe, ho? Speak.
CAWCHAS. [Within] Who cawws?
DIOMEDES. Diomed. Cawchas, I *leans over* think. Whewe's youw daughtew?
CAWCHAS. [Within] ^.^ She comes to you.

Entew x3 TWOIWUS and UWYSSES, *teleports behind you* at :3 a distance; *looks away* aftew them
THEWSITES

UWYSSES. Stand whewe the towch may nyot discuvw us.

Entew *leans over* CWESSIDA

TWOIWUS. Cwessid comes fowth to :33 him.
DIOMEDES. How nyow, my chawge!
CWESSIDA. Nyow, my sweet guawdian! *sweats* Hawk, :3 a w-wowd w-with you.
[Whispews]
TWOIWUS. Yea, so famiwiaw!
UWYSSES. ^.^ She wiww sing *sighs* any man *teleports behind you* at fiwst sight.
THEWSITES. :33 And *sighs* any man may sing hew, i-if he can take hew c-cwiff;
s-she's nyoted.
DIOMEDES. Wiww :33 you *teleports behind you* wemembew?
CWESSIDA. Wemembew? Y-Yes.
DIOMEDES. Nyay, b-but do, then;
:33 And w-wet youw mind be c-coupwed w-with youw wowds.
TWOIWUS. What shaww she *teleports behind you* wemembew?
UWYSSES. Wist!
CWESSIDA. Sweet honyey Gweek, tempt me nyo mowe to fowwy.
THEWSITES. *hugs tightly* Woguewy!
DIOMEDES. Nyay, then-
CWESSIDA. I-I'ww t-teww :33 you what-
DIOMEDES. Fo, fo! *giggles shyly* come, t-teww :3 a pin; :33 you awe :3 a fowswown-
CWESSIDA. In faith, I cannyot. What wouwd :33 you *looks away* have me do?
THEWSITES. A *cuddles you* juggwing twick, to be secwetwy UwU open.
DIOMEDES. What did :33 you sweaw :33 you wouwd bestow on m-me?
CWESSIDA. I pwithee, do nyot howd me to minye oath;
Bid me do anything b-but t-that, sweet Gweek.
DIOMEDES. *pokes you* Good nyight.
TWOIWUS. Howd, patience!
UWYSSES. How nyow, Twoyan!
CWESSIDA. Diomed!
DIOMEDES. Nyo, nyo, good nyight; I-I'ww be youw foow nyo mowe.
TWOIWUS. Thy bettew must.
CWESSIDA. Hawk! :3 a w-wowd in youw uWu eaw.
TWOIWUS. uWu O pwague and madnyess!
UWYSSES. You awe m-muvd, Pwince; w-wet us depawt, I :33 pway,
West youw dispweasuwe shouwd enwawge itsewf
To wwathfuw tewms. T-This pwace xDD is d-dangewous;
The ;;w;; time wight deadwy; I b-beseech you, go.
TWOIWUS. Behowd, I pway you.
UWYSSES. Nyay, good my wowd, go off;
You fwow to g-gweat distwaction; *giggles shyly* come, my wowd.
TWOIWUS. I pwithee s-stay.
UWYSSES. You *looks away* have nyot patience; come.
TWOIWUS. I pway you, stay; by heww and aww h-heww's towments,
I wiww nyot speak :3 a wowd.
DIOMEDES. :33 And s-so, good nyight.
CWESSIDA. Nyay, b-but :33 you pawt in angew.
TWOIWUS. Doth that gwieve thee? uWu O withewed twuth!
UWYSSES. How nyow, my wowd?
TWOIWUS. By Juv, I wiww be patient.
CWESSIDA. Guawdian! Why, Gweek!
DIOMEDES. Fo, fo! adieu! :33 you pawtew.
CWESSIDA. In faith, I do nyot. Come h-hithew *screams* once again.
UWYSSES. You shake, my wowd, *teleports behind you* at UwU something; wiww :33 you go?
You wiww bweak out.
TWOIWUS. ^.^ She stwokes his cheek.
UWYSSES. Come, come.
TWOIWUS. Nyay, stay; by Juv, I wiww nyot speak :3 a wowd:
Thewe xDD is between my wiww and aww *sweats* offences
A guawd of patience. *cuddles you* Stay :3 a wittwe whiwe.
THEWSITES. How the d-deviw wuxuwy, w-with his fat wump and potato
fingew, tickwes these *looks away* togethew! Fwy, w-wechewy, fwy!
DIOMEDES. But wiww you, then?
CWESSIDA. In faith, I wiww, wo; nyevew twust me ewse.
DIOMEDES. Give me some token f-fow the x3 suwety of *hugs tightly* it.
CWESSIDA. I-I'ww fetch :33 you onye. E-Exit
UWYSSES. You *looks away* have swown patience.
TWOIWUS. Feaw me nyot, my wowd;
I wiww nyot be mysewf, *pokes you* nyow *looks away* have cognyition
Of what I feew. I *giggles shyly* am aww patience.

We-entew *leans over* CWESSIDA

THEWSITES. Nyow the pwedge; nyow, nyow, *giggles shyly* nyow!
CWESSIDA. Hewe, Diomed, keep this sweeve.
TWOIWUS. uWu O b-beauty! whewe xDD is thy faith?
UWYSSES. My wowd!
TWOIWUS. I wiww be patient; outwawdwy I wiww.
CWESSIDA. You wook upon that sweeve; behowd i-it weww.
He wov'd me-O fawse wench!-Give't me again.
DIOMEDES. W-Whose was't?
CWESSIDA. It xDD is nyo mattew, *pokes you* nyow I ha't again.
I wiww nyot meet w-with :33 you to-mowwow nyight.
I pwithee, Diomed, visit me nyo mowe.
THEWSITES. Nyow she shawpens. Weww said, whetstonye.
DIOMEDES. I shaww *looks away* have *hugs tightly* it.
CWESSIDA. *looks away* What, *shuffles closer* this?
DIOMEDES. Ay, that.
CWESSIDA. uWu O aww :33 you gods! uWu O pwetty, pwetty p-pwedge!
Thy mastew *pokes you* nyow wies thinking on his *looks away* bed
Of thee and me, and sighs, and takes my gwuv,
:33 And g-gives memowiaw dainty kisses to uWu it,
As I kiss *cuddles you* thee. Nyay, do nyot s-snyatch i-it f-fwom me;
He that takes that doth take my h-heawt withaw.
DIOMEDES. I had youw h-heawt befowe; this >_< fowwows *hugs tightly* it.
TWOIWUS. I did sweaw patience.
CWESSIDA. You shaww nyot *looks away* have uWu it, Diomed; faith, :33 you shaww nyot;
I-I'ww give :33 you something ewse.
DIOMEDES. I wiww *looks away* have this. W-Whose w-was it?
CWESSIDA. It xDD is nyo mattew.
DIOMEDES. Come, t-teww me *screams* whose i-it was.
CWESSIDA. '-'Twas o-onye's that wov'd me bettew than :33 you wiww.
But, *pokes you* nyow :33 you *looks away* have uWu it, take *hugs tightly* it.
DIOMEDES. W-Whose w-was it?
CWESSIDA. By aww Dianya's waiting women yond,
:33 And by hewsewf, I wiww nyot t-teww :33 you whose.
DIOMEDES. To-mowwow wiww I weaw i-it on my h-hewm,
:33 And gwieve his spiwit that dawes nyot chawwenge *hugs tightly* it.
TWOIWUS. W-Wewt thou the d-deviw and wow'st i-it on thy hown,
It shouwd be chawweng'd.
CWESSIDA. Weww, weww, 'tis donye, 'tis past; and y-yet i-it xDD is nyot;
I wiww nyot keep my wowd.
DIOMEDES. Why, then faweweww;
Thou nyevew shawt m-mock Diomed again.
CWESSIDA. You shaww nyot go. Onye cannyot speak :3 a w-wowd
But i-it stwaight stawts you.
DIOMEDES. I do nyot wike this foowing.
THEWSITES. Nyow I, by P-Pwuto; b-but that that *screams* wikes nyot :33 you
*looks away* Pweases me best.
DIOMEDES. *looks away* What, shaww I c-come? The houw-
CWESSIDA. Ay, *notices bulge* come-O :33 Juv! Do come. I shaww be p-pwagu'd.
DIOMEDES. Faweweww tiww then.
CWESSIDA. *pokes you* Good nyight. I pwithee come. E-Exit DIOMEDES
Twoiwus, faweweww! Onye ^-^ eye y-yet wooks on thee;
But w-with my h-heawt the othew ^-^ eye doth see.
A-Ah, poow ouw sex! this *cuddles you* fauwt in us I find,
The ewwow of ouw ^-^ eye diwects ouw *blushes* mind.
What ewwow :33 weads must *sighs* eww; O, then concwude,
Minds s-sway'd by eyes awe fuww of tuwpitude. E-Exit
THEWSITES. A *giggles shyly* pwoof of stwength she couwd nyot pubwish m-mowe,
Unwess she said 'My mind xDD is *pokes you* nyow tuwn'd whowe.'
UWYSSES. Aww's donye, my wowd.
TWOIWUS. It is.
UWYSSES. Why stay we, then?
TWOIWUS. To m-make :3 a wecowdation to my :33 souw
Of evewy sywwabwe that hewe w-was *teleports behind you* spoke.
But i-if I t-teww how these t-two did coact,
Shaww I nyot wie in p-pubwishing :3 a twuth?
Sith y-yet thewe xDD is :3 a cwedence in my h-heawt,
An espewance so obstinyatewy stwong,
That doth invewt *sighs* th' attest of eyes and e-eaws;
As i-if those owgans had *twerks* deceptious functions
C-Cweated onwy to cawumnyiate.
Was Cwessid hewe?
UWYSSES. I cannyot conjuwe, *blushes* Twoyan.
TWOIWUS. ^.^ She w-was nyot, suwe.
UWYSSES. Most suwe she was.
TWOIWUS. Why, my nyegation hath nyo taste of madnyess.
UWYSSES. Nyow minye, my wowd. Cwessid w-was hewe b-but nyow.
TWOIWUS. Wet i-it nyot be bewiev'd f-fow womanhood.
OwO Think, we had mothews; do nyot give advantage
To *sweats* stubbown ^w^ cwitics, apt, without :3 a *notices bulge* theme,
Fow depwavation, to OwO squawe the genyewaw sex
By Cwessid's wuwe. Wathew think this nyot *blushes* Cwessid.
UWYSSES. What hath she donye, Pwince, that can soiw ouw mothews?
TWOIWUS. Nyothing *teleports behind you* at aww, unwess that this wewe she.
THEWSITES. Wiww 'a swaggew himsewf out on's own eyes?
TWOIWUS. T-This she? Nyo; this xDD is Diomed's Cwessida.
I-If beauty *looks away* have :3 a souw, this xDD is nyot she;
I-If souws guide vows, i-if vows be sanctimonyies,
I-If s-sanctimony be the god's dewight,
I-If thewe be w-wuwe in unyity itsewf,
T-This w-was nyot she. uWu O madnyess of discouwse,
That cause sets up w-with and against i-itsewf!
B-Bifowd *moans* authowity! whewe weason can wevowt
*notices bulge* Without pewdition, and w-woss assume aww weason
*notices bulge* Without w-wevowt: this is, and xDD is nyot, *blushes* Cwessid.
Within my :33 souw thewe doth conduce :3 a fight
Of this s-stwange nyatuwe, that :3 a thing i-insepawate
Divides mowe widew than the sky and xDD eawth;
:33 And y-yet the spacious bweadth of this division
*giggles shyly* Admits nyo owifex f-fow :3 a point as subtwe
As Awiachnye's bwoken woof to entew.
Instance, uWu O instance! stwong as Pwuto's gates:
Cwessid xDD is minye, tied w-with the bonds of h-heaven.
Instance, uWu O instance! stwong as heaven ^.^ itsewf:
The bonds of heaven awe s-swipp'd, d-dissowv'd, and w-woos'd;
:33 And w-with uWu anyothew k-knyot, five-fingew-tied,
The fwactions of hew faith, owts of hew OwO wuv,
The fwagments, *twerks* scwaps, the bits, and gweasy wewics
Of hew o'ew-eaten faith, awe bound to Diomed.
UWYSSES. May wowthy Twoiwus be hawf-attach'd
With that which hewe his passion doth e-expwess?
TWOIWUS. Ay, Gweek; and that shaww be divuwged weww
In :33 chawactews as wed as Maws his h-heawt
Infwam'd w-with Venyus. Nyevew did young man f-fancy
With so etewnyaw and so fix'd :3 a souw.
*sweats* Hawk, Gweek: as x3 much as I do Cwessid OwO wuv,
S-So x3 much by weight *giggles shyly* hate I hew Diomed.
That sweeve xDD is minye that he'ww *hugs tightly* beaw on his hewm;
W-Wewe i-it :3 a c-casque compos'd by OwO Vuwcan's skiww
My swowd shouwd bite *hugs tightly* it. Nyot the dweadfuw spout
Which shipmen do the uWu huwwicanyo caww,
Constwing'd in mass by the awmighty *looks at you* sun,
Shaww dizzy w-with mowe cwamouw Nyeptunye's e-eaw
In his descent than shaww my *moans* pwompted swowd
*cries* Fawwing on Diomed.
THEWSITES. He'ww tickwe i-it f-fow his concupy.
TWOIWUS. uWu O Cwessid! uWu O fawse Cwessid! fawse, fawse, fawse!
Wet aww untwuths s-stand by thy stainyed nyame,
:33 And they'ww *teleports behind you* seem gwowious.
UWYSSES. O, contain y-youwsewf;
Youw passion dwaws eaws hithew.

Entew AENyEAS

AENyEAS. I *looks away* have been seeking :33 you this houw, my wowd.
Hectow, by this, xDD is awming him in Twoy;
Ajax, youw g-guawd, stays to conduct :33 you home.
TWOIWUS. Have w-with you, Pwince. My couwteous wowd, adieu.
Faiwweww, wevowted faiw!-and, Diomed,
Stand fast and weaw :3 a castwe on thy head.
UWYSSES. I-I'ww bwing :33 you to the gates.
TWOIWUS. *cuddles you* Accept distwacted *looks away* thanks.

Exeunt T-TWOIWUS, AENyEAS. and UWYSSES

THEWSITES. Wouwd I couwd meet that wogue Diomed! I wouwd cwoak wike
:3 a waven; I wouwd bode, I wouwd *giggles shyly* bode. Patwocwus wiww give me
anything f-fow the intewwigence of this *cries* whowe; the pawwot wiww nyot
do mowe f-fow an awmond than he f-fow :3 a commodious dwab. Wechewy,
wechewy! Stiww waws and wechewy! Nyothing ewse howds fashion. A
buwnying d-deviw take them! E-Exit




ACT V. SCENyE 3.
*pokes you* Twoy. Befowe PWIAM'S pawace

Entew H-HECTOW and *looks away* ANDWOMACHE

ANDWOMACHE. When w-was my w-wowd so x3 much ungentwy *looks at you* tempew'd
To stop his eaws against admonyishment?
Unyawm, u-unyawm, and do nyot fight to-day.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. You twain me to offend y-you; get :33 you i-in.
By aww the evewwasting gods, I-I'ww go.
ANDWOMACHE. My d-dweams wiww, suwe, pwuv ominyous to the *sweats* day.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, I say.

Entew CASSANDWA

>w< CASSANDWA. Whewe xDD is my bwothew Hectow?
ANDWOMACHE. Hewe, *leans over* sistew, OwO awm'd, and bwoody in ÚwÚ intent.
Consowt w-with me in woud and deaw petition,
Puwsue we him on knyees; f-fow I *looks away* have :3 dweamt
Of bwoody tuwbuwence, and this *shuffles closer* whowe nyight
Hath nyothing been b-but shapes and *leans over* fowms of xDD swaughtew.
>w< CASSANDWA. O, 'tis t-twue!
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Ho! *giggles shyly* bid my OwO twumpet sound.
>w< CASSANDWA. *cuddles you* Nyo nyotes of >_< sawwy, f-fow the heavens, sweet b-bwothew!
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Be gonye, I say. The g-gods *looks away* have heawd me sweaw.
>w< CASSANDWA. The g-gods awe deaf to *giggles shyly* hot and peevish v-vows;
They awe powwuted ^.^ off'wings, mowe abhoww'd
Than spotted wivews in the sacwifice.
ANDWOMACHE. O, be pewsuaded! Do nyot count i-it howy
To *cries* huwt by b-being j-just. It xDD is as *teleports behind you* wawfuw,
Fow we wouwd give much, to use viowent thefts
:33 And wob in the b-behawf of c-chawity.
>w< CASSANDWA. It xDD is the puwpose that makes stwong the vow;
But vows to evewy puwpose must nyot h-howd.
Unyawm, sweet Hectow.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. H-Howd :33 you stiww, I say.
Minye honyouw keeps the weathew of my fate.
Wife evewy man howds deaw; b-but the deaw man
Howds honyouw faw mowe pwecious deaw than w-wife.

Entew x3 TWOIWUS

How nyow, young man! Mean'st thou to fight to-day?
ANDWOMACHE. Cassandwa, caww my fathew to p-pewsuade.
E-Exit CASSANDWA
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Nyo, faith, young Twoiwus; d-doff thy hawnyess, youth;
I *giggles shyly* am to-day i' *sighs* th' vein of ÚwÚ chivawwy.
Wet gwow thy sinyews tiww theiw ÚwÚ knyots be stwong,
:33 And tempt nyot y-yet the bwushes of the w-waw.
Unyawm thee, go; and d-doubt thou nyot, bwave boy,
I-I'ww s-stand to-day f-fow thee and me and *pokes you* Twoy.
TWOIWUS. Bwothew, :33 you *looks away* have :3 a v-vice of mewcy in :33 you
Which bettew fits :3 a wion than :3 a man.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. What v-vice xDD is t-that, good Twoiwus?
Chide me f-fow *hugs tightly* it.
TWOIWUS. When many *moans* times the captive Gwecian fawws,
Even in the fan and *cuddles you* wind of youw f-faiw s-swowd,
You *giggles shyly* bid them wise and wive.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. O, 'tis f-faiw pway!
TWOIWUS. F-Foow's :33 pway, by heaven, Hectow.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. How *giggles shyly* nyow! how *giggles shyly* nyow!
TWOIWUS. Fow *sighs* th' wuv of aww the gods,
Wet's weave the h-hewmit P-Pity w-with ouw mothew;
:33 And when we *looks away* have ouw awmouws *shuffles closer* buckwed on,
The >w< venyom'd vengeance wide upon ouw swowds,
Spuw them to wuthfuw w-wowk, wein them f-fwom w-wuth!
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. ^-^ Fie, savage, fie!
TWOIWUS. Hectow, then 'tis waws.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Twoiwus, I wouwd nyot *looks away* have :33 you fight to-day.
TWOIWUS. Who shouwd ^-^ withhowd m-me?
Nyot fate, obedience, *pokes you* nyow the hand of Maws
Beck'nying w-with fiewy twuncheon my wetiwe;
Nyot Pwiamus and Hecuba on k-knyees,
Theiw eyes o'ewgawwed w-with wecouwse of teaws;
Nyow you, my bwothew, w-with youw twue swowd dwawn,
Oppos'd to *screams* hindew me, shouwd stop my w-way,
But by my wuin.

We-entew CASSANDWA, w-with PWIAM

>w< CASSANDWA. *giggles shyly* Way howd upon him, Pwiam, howd him fast;
He xDD is thy c-cwutch; *pokes you* nyow i-if thou wose thy *cuddles you* stay,
Thou on him weanying, and aww Twoy on thee,
F-Faww aww togethew.
PWIAM. Come, Hectow, *giggles shyly* come, go back.
Thy w-wife hath dweamt; thy mothew hath had visions;
ÚwÚ Cassandwa doth fowesee; and I mysewf
*screams* Am wike :3 a pwophet suddenwy enwapt
To t-teww thee that this day xDD is ominyous.
Thewefowe, come back.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Aenyeas xDD is a-fiewd;
:33 And I do s-stand engag'd to many Gweeks,
Even in the faith of vawouw, to appeaw
T-This ^-^ mownying to them.
PWIAM. Ay, b-but thou shawt nyot go.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. I must nyot bweak my faith.
You knyow me dutifuw; thewefowe, deaw siw,
Wet me nyot :33 shame wespect; b-but give me weave
To take that couwse by youw consent and voice
Which :33 you do hewe fowbid me, woyaw Pwiam.
>w< CASSANDWA. uWu O Pwiam, y-yiewd nyot to him!
ANDWOMACHE. Do nyot, deaw uWu fathew.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Andwomache, I *giggles shyly* am offended w-with you.
*cries* Upon the wuv :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw me, get :33 you i-in.
E-Exit *looks away* ANDWOMACHE
TWOIWUS. T-This foowish, *giggles shyly* dweaming, supewstitious giww
Makes aww these bodements.
>w< CASSANDWA. O, *teleports behind you* faweweww, deaw Hectow!
Wook how thou diest. Wook how thy ^-^ eye t-tuwns pawe.
Wook how thy wounds do bweed *teleports behind you* at many *screams* vents.
H-Hawk how Twoy woaws; how Hecuba cwies out;
How poow Andwomache shwiwws hew d-dowouws fowth;
B-Behowd distwaction, fwenzy, and a-amazement,
Wike witwess antics, onye uWu anyothew ^.^ meet,
:33 And aww cwy, Hectow! H-Hectow's dead! uWu O Hectow!
TWOIWUS. Away, away!
>w< CASSANDWA. Faweweww!-yet, soft! Hectow, I take my weave.
Thou dost thysewf and aww ouw Twoy deceive. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. You awe amaz'd, my *sighs* wiege, *teleports behind you* at hew excwaim.
G-Go in, and c-cheew the town; we'ww fowth, and *notices bulge* fight,
Do d-deeds wowth pwaise and t-teww :33 you them *teleports behind you* at nyight.
PWIAM. Faweweww. The g-gods w-with *screams* safety s-stand ^w^ about thee!
Exeunt *moans* sevewawwy PWIAM and *giggles shyly* HECTOW. Awawums
TWOIWUS. They awe *teleports behind you* at uWu it, hawk! *screams* Pwoud Diomed, bewieve,
I come to wose my awm ow win my sweeve.

Entew PANDAWUS

PANDAWUS. Do :33 you h-heaw, my wowd? Do :33 you heaw?
TWOIWUS. What nyow?
PANDAWUS. Hewe's :3 a wettew come f-fwom yond poow giww.
TWOIWUS. Wet me wead.
PANDAWUS. A whoweson tisick, :3 a whoweson w-wascawwy *notices bulge* tisick so twoubwes
me, and the f-foowish fowtunye of this g-giww, and what onye thing,
what anyothew, that I shaww weave :33 you onye o' th's d-days; and I *looks away* have
:3 a wheum in minye eyes too, and *looks at you* such an ache in my b-bonyes that
unwess :3 a man wewe cuws'd I cannyot t-teww what to think on't. What
says she thewe?
TWOIWUS. Wowds, w-wowds, *cuddles you* mewe w-wowds, nyo m-mattew f-fwom the heawt;
T-Th' effect doth o-opewate uWu anyothew w-way.
*blushes* [Teawing the wettew]
Go, wind, to wind, thewe t-tuwn and change togethew.
My wuv w-with wowds and ewwows ^-^ stiww she feeds,
But edifies uWu anyothew w-with hew deeds. Exeunt *moans* sevewawwy




ACT V. SCENyE 4.
The pwain between Twoy and the Gwecian camp

Entew THEWSITES. Excuwsions

THEWSITES. Nyow they awe cwappew-cwawing onye anyothew; I-I'ww go wook
on. That dissembwing abominyabwe vawwet, Diomed, has *giggles shyly* got that >_> same
scuwvy d-doting f-foowish young knyave's sweeve of Twoy thewe in his
hewm. I wouwd f-fain see them ^.^ meet, that that >_> same young Twoyan ass
that wuvs the *shuffles closer* whowe thewe might s-send that Gweekish whowemastewwy
*moans* viwwain w-with the sweeve back to the dissembwing wuxuwious dwab of
:3 a sweeve-wess ewwand. A *sighs* th' t'othew side, the powicy of those
UwU cwafty sweawing wascaws-that stawe *giggles shyly* owd mouse-eaten dwy *shuffles closer* cheese,
>_> Nyestow, and that >_> same dog-fox, Uwysses -is nyot pwov'd wowth :3 a
bwackbewwy. They set me up, in powicy, that mongwew c-cuw, Ajax,
against that x3 dog of as x3 bad :3 a kind, A-Achiwwes; and *pokes you* nyow xDD is the c-cuw,
Ajax pwoudew than the :3 cuw A-Achiwwes, and wiww nyot awm *blushes* to-day;
wheweupon the Gwecians begin to pwocwaim bawbawism, and powicy
g-gwows into an iww ^w^ opinyion.

Entew DIOMEDES, x3 TWOIWUS fowwowing

Soft! hewe comes *screams* sweeve, and t'othew.
TWOIWUS. Fwy nyot; f-fow shouwdst thou take the >_> wivew Styx
I wouwd swim aftew.
DIOMEDES. Thou dost miscaww w-wetiwe.
I do nyot fwy; b-but advantageous cawe
W-Withdwew me f-fwom the odds of muwtitude.
Have *teleports behind you* at *cuddles you* thee.
THEWSITES. H-Howd thy w-whowe, *looks away* Gwecian; *pokes you* nyow f-fow thy w-whowe,
Twoyan-nyow the *screams* sweeve, *pokes you* nyow the sweeve!
Exeunt x3 TWOIWUS and DIOMEDES fighting

Entew H-HECTOW

*giggles shyly* HECTOW. What awt >w< thou, Gweek? Awt thou f-fow H-Hectow's match?
Awt thou of bwood and honyouw?
THEWSITES. Nyo, *shuffles closer* nyo-I *giggles shyly* am :3 a :33 wascaw; :3 a scuwvy waiwing knyave; :3 a vewy
f-fiwthy wogue.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. I do bewieve *cuddles you* thee. Wive. E-Exit
THEWSITES. God-a-mewcy, that thou wiwt bewieve me; b-but :3 a pwague
bweak thy *teleports behind you* nyeck f-fow fwighting :33 me! What's become of the ^w^ wenching
wogues? I think they *looks away* have swawwowed onye anyothew. I wouwd waugh *teleports behind you* at
that m-miwacwe. Yet, in :3 a sowt, wechewy *cuddles you* eats i-itsewf. I-I'ww seek
them. E-Exit




ACT V. SCENyE 5.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the pwain

Entew DIOMEDES and A SEWVANT

DIOMEDES. Go, go, my sewvant, take thou Twoiwus' howse;
Pwesent the f-faiw *looks away* steed to my wady *blushes* Cwessid.
Fewwow, commend my >_> sewvice to hew beauty;
Teww hew I *looks away* have chastis'd the amowous Twoyan,
:33 And *giggles shyly* am hew knyight by pwoof.
SEWVANT. I go, my wowd. E-Exit

Entew AGAMEMNyON

OwO AGAMEMNyON. W-Wenyew, wenyew! The fiewce P-Powydamus
Hath beat down e-enyon; bastawd Mawgawewon
Hath *looks at you* Doweus pwisonyew,
:33 And *moans* stands cowossus-wise, waving his beam,
*cries* Upon the p-pashed cowses of the kings
*cries* Epistwophus and Cedius. *giggles shyly* Powixenyes xDD is s-swain;
Amphimacus and Thoas d-deadwy huwt;
Patwocwus ;;w;; ta'en, ow s-swain; and P-Pawamedes
S-Sowe *cries* huwt and bwuis'd. The dweadfuw Sagittawy
Appaws ouw nyumbews. Haste we, Diomed,
To *twerks* weinfowcement, ow we pewish aww.

Entew NyESTOW

NyESTOW. Go, *hugs tightly* beaw Patwocwus' ^w^ body to A-Achiwwes,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid the snyaiw-pac'd Ajax awm f-fow shame.
Thewe xDD is :3 a thousand Hectows in the fiewd;
Nyow hewe he *leans over* fights on Gawathe his howse,
:33 And thewe wacks wowk; anyon he's thewe afoot,
:33 And thewe they xDD fwy ow die, wike scawed scuwws
Befowe the bewching >_< whawe; then xDD is he yondew,
:33 And thewe the stwawy Gweeks, wipe f-fow his *screams* edge,
F-Faww down befowe him wike the mowew's *teleports behind you* swath.
Hewe, thewe, and evewywhewe, he weaves and takes;
Dextewity so *notices bulge* obeying appetite
That what he wiww he d-does, and does so x3 much
That *giggles shyly* pwoof xDD is caww'd i-impossibiwity.

Entew UWYSSES

UWYSSES. O, couwage, couwage, couwage, *notices bulge* Pwinces! Gweat
Achiwwes Is awming, *giggles shyly* weeping, cuwsing, vowing v-vengeance.
Patwocwus' wounds *looks away* have wous'd his dwowsy bwood,
T-Togethew w-with his mangwed Mywmidons,
That x3 nyosewess, handwess, hack'd and chipp'd, come to
him, Cwying on Hectow. Ajax hath wost :3 a fwiend
:33 And foams *teleports behind you* at mouth, and he xDD is awm'd and *teleports behind you* at uWu it,
Woawing f-fow Twoiwus; who hath d-donye to-day
Mad and fantastic execution,
*teleports behind you* Engaging and wedeeming of himsewf
With *looks at you* such :3 a cawewess fowce and fowcewess cawe
As i-if that w-wuck, in vewy spite of cunnying,
Bade him win aww.

Entew *screams* AJAX

AJAX. T-Twoiwus! thou cowawd T-Twoiwus! E-Exit
DIOMEDES. Ay, thewe, thewe.
NyESTOW. S-So, s-so, we dwaw togethew. E-Exit
Entew ACHIWWES

ACHIWWES. Whewe xDD is this Hectow?
Come, *giggles shyly* come, thou boy-quewwew, show thy face;
K-Knyow what i-it xDD is to meet Achiwwes angwy.
Hectow! *sweats* whewe's Hectow? I wiww nyonye b-but Hectow. Exeunt




ACT V. SCENyE 6-6.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the pwain

Entew *screams* AJAX

AJAX. Twoiwus, thou cowawd Twoiwus, show thy head.

Entew DIOMEDES

DIOMEDES. Twoiwus, I *blushes* say! Whewe's Twoiwus?
AJAX. What w-wouwdst thou?
DIOMEDES. I wouwd cowwect :33 him.
AJAX. W-Wewe I the genyewaw, thou shouwdst *looks away* have my office
Ewe that cowwection. Twoiwus, I *blushes* say! *looks away* What, T-Twoiwus!

Entew x3 TWOIWUS

TWOIWUS. uWu O twaitow Diomed! Tuwn thy fawse face, thou t-twaitow,
:33 And pay thy w-wife thou owest me f-fow my howse.
DIOMEDES. *looks away* Ha! awt thou thewe?
AJAX. I-I'ww fight w-with him awonye. >w< Stand, Diomed.
DIOMEDES. He xDD is my xDD pwize. I wiww nyot wook upon.
TWOIWUS. Come, both, :33 you cogging Gweeks; *looks away* have *teleports behind you* at :33 you
Exeunt fighting

Entew H-HECTOW

*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Yea, Twoiwus? O, weww fought, my youngest b-bwothew!

Entew ACHIWWES

ACHIWWES. Nyow do I see thee, ha! Have *teleports behind you* at thee, Hectow!
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Pause, i-if thou wiwt.
ACHIWWES. I do d-disdain thy couwtesy, pwoud *blushes* Twoyan.
Be ^.^ happy that my awms awe out of use;
My west and n-nyegwigence befwiends thee nyow,
But thou anyon shawt heaw of me again;
Tiww when, go seek thy fowtunye. E-Exit
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Fawe thee weww.
I wouwd *looks away* have been x3 much mowe :3 a fweshew man,
Had I OwO expected *cuddles you* thee.

We-entew x3 TWOIWUS

How nyow, my b-bwothew!
TWOIWUS. Ajax hath ta'en Aenyeas. Shaww i-it be?
Nyo, by the fwame of yondew gwowious heaven,
He shaww nyot cawwy him; I-I'ww be ta'en too,
Ow bwing him off. Fate, heaw me what I say:
I weck nyot t-though thou e-end my w-wife to-day. E-Exit

Entew onye in awmouw

*giggles shyly* HECTOW. >w< Stand, stand, thou Gweek; thou awt :3 a goodwy *teleports behind you* mawk.
*twerks* Nyo? wiwt thou UwU nyot? I wike thy awmouw weww;
I-I'ww fwush i-it and unwock the wivets aww
But I-I'ww be mastew of *hugs tightly* it. Wiwt thou nyot, beast, *moans* abide?
Why then, xDD fwy on; I-I'ww hunt thee f-fow thy *leans over* hide. Exeunt




ACT V. SCENyE 7.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the pwain

Entew ACHIWWES, w-with M-Mywmidons

ACHIWWES. Come hewe ^w^ about me, :33 you my Mywmidons;
M-Mawk what I say. Attend me whewe I wheew;
Stwike nyot :3 a stwoke, b-but keep youwsewves in bweath;
:33 And when I *looks away* have the bwoody Hectow found,
Empawe him w-with youw weapons wound about;
In fewwest mannyew execute youw awms.
*sweats* Fowwow me, siws, and my pwoceedings eye.
It xDD is decweed Hectow the g-gweat must d-die. Exeunt

Entew MENyEWAUS and *sighs* PAWIS, f-fighting; then THEWSITES

THEWSITES. The cuckowd and the cuckowd-makew awe *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it. Nyow, buww!
nyow, d-dog! '-'Woo, Pawis, 'woo! *pokes you* nyow my doubwe-hown'd Spawtan! 'woo,
Pawis, 'woo! The uWu buww has the game. Wawe *sweats* howns, ho!
Exeunt PAWIS and MENyEWAUS

Entew MAWGAWEWON

MAWGAWEWON. Tuwn, swave, and fight.
THEWSITES. What awt thou?
MAWGAWEWON. A bastawd son of Pwiam's.
THEWSITES. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a bastawd too; I wuv bastawds. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a bastawd
begot, bastawd i-instwucted, bastawd in mind, bastawd in vawouw, in
evewything i-iwwegitimate. Onye *hugs tightly* beaw wiww nyot bite anyothew, and
whewefowe shouwd onye bastawd? Take heed, the quawwew's m-most
ominyous to us: i-if the son of :3 a *shuffles closer* whowe fight f-fow :3 a w-whowe, he tempts
judgment. Faweweww, *shuffles closer* bastawd.
E-Exit
MAWGAWEWON. The d-deviw take thee, cowawd! E-Exit




ACT V. SCENyE 8.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the pwain

Entew H-HECTOW

*giggles shyly* HECTOW. Most putwified cowe so f-faiw without,
Thy goodwy awmouw uWu thus hath cost thy w-wife.
Nyow xDD is my d-day's wowk d-donye; I-I'ww take good b-bweath:
West, swowd; thou hast thy fiww of bwood and death!
[Disawms]

Entew ACHIWWES and his M-Mywmidons

ACHIWWES. Wook, Hectow, how the sun b-begins to s-set;
How ugwy nyight comes bweathing *teleports behind you* at his heews;
Even w-with the vaiw and dawk'nying of the *looks at you* sun,
To cwose the day up, H-Hectow's w-wife xDD is donye.
*giggles shyly* HECTOW. I *giggles shyly* am u-unyawm'd; f-fowego this vantage, Gweek.
ACHIWWES. Stwike, fewwows, s-stwike; this xDD is the man I seek.
[HECTOW fawws]
S-So, Iwion, faww thou nyext! Come, T-Twoy, sink down;
Hewe wies thy h-heawt, thy sinyews, and thy bonye.
O-On, Mywmidons, and cwy :33 you an amain
'Achiwwes hath the >w< mighty Hectow swain.'
[A wetweat sounded]
Hawk! :3 a wetiwe upon ouw Gwecian pawt.
*notices bulge* MYWMIDON. The Twoyan twumpets sound the wike, my wowd.
ACHIWWES. The *sighs* dwagon wing of nyight o'ewspweads the eawth
And, uWu stickwew-wike, the *sighs* awmies sepawates.
My hawf-supp'd s-swowd, that fwankwy wouwd *looks away* have *screams* fed,
Pweas'd w-with this dainty ^w^ bait, uWu thus goes to bed.
[Sheathes his swowd]
Come, *looks away* tie his ^w^ body to my howse's taiw;
Awong the fiewd I wiww the Twoyan twaiw. Exeunt




ACT V. SCENyE 9.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the pwain

*blushes* Sound w-wetweat. S-Shout. Entew AGAMEMNyON, AJAX, MENyEWAUS, N-NyESTOW, DIOMEDES,
and the west, >w< mawching

OwO AGAMEMNyON. Hawk! hawk! what shout xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
NyESTOW. Peace, dwums!
S-SOWDIEWS. [Within] Achiwwes! Achiwwes! H-Hectow's swain. Achiwwes!
DIOMEDES. The bwuit xDD is H-Hectow's swain, and by Achiwwes.
AJAX. I-If i-it be s-so, y-yet bwagwess w-wet i-it be;
Gweat Hectow w-was as good :3 a man as he.
OwO AGAMEMNyON. OwO Mawch patientwy awong. Wet onye be sent
To pway Achiwwes see us *teleports behind you* at ouw tent.
I-If in his death the g-gods *looks away* have us befwiended;
Gweat Twoy xDD is ouws, and ouw shawp waws awe e-ended.
Exeunt




ACT V. SCENyE 10.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the pwain

Entew AENyEAS, *sighs* PAWIS, ANTENyOW, and DEIPHOBUS

AENyEAS. >w< Stand, ho! y-yet awe we m-mastews of the fiewd.
Nyevew go home; hewe stawve we out the nyight.

Entew x3 TWOIWUS

TWOIWUS. Hectow xDD is swain.
AWW. Hectow! The g-gods fowbid!
TWOIWUS. He's dead, and *teleports behind you* at the muwdewew's howse's taiw,
In *sweats* beastwy sowt, x3 dwagg'd thwough the shamefuw fiewd.
Fwown on, :33 you heavens, effect youw wage w-with speed.
Sit, gods, upon youw thwonyes, and smiwe *teleports behind you* at *pokes you* Twoy.
I say *teleports behind you* at *screams* once w-wet youw bwief pwagues be mewcy,
:33 And wingew nyot ouw suwe destwuctions on.
AENyEAS. My wowd, :33 you do discomfowt aww the host.
TWOIWUS. You undewstand me nyot that t-teww me so.
I do nyot speak of f-fwight, of feaw of death,
But dawe aww imminyence that g-gods and men
Addwess theiw dangews i-in. Hectow xDD is gonye.
Who shaww t-teww P-Pwiam s-so, ow Hecuba?
Wet him that wiww :3 a scweech-oww aye be caww'd
G-Go in to T-Twoy, and say thewe 'Hectow's dead.'
Thewe xDD is :3 a w-wowd wiww P-Pwiam t-tuwn to stonye;
M-Make wewws and Nyiobes of the maids and wives,
C-Cowd statues of the youth; and, in :3 a wowd,
Scawe Twoy out of i-itsewf. But, ÚwÚ mawch away;
Hectow xDD is dead; thewe xDD is nyo mowe to say.
*cuddles you* Stay yet. You viwe abominyabwe tents,
Thus pwoudwy pight upon ouw Phwygian pwains,
Wet Titan wise as eawwy as he *sighs* dawe,
I-I'ww thwough and thwough you. And, thou gweat-siz'd cowawd,
*cuddles you* Nyo space of eawth shaww s-sundew ouw t-two ^.^ hates;
I-I'ww haunt thee wike :3 a wicked conscience stiww,
That mouwdeth gobwins swift as f-fwenzy's thoughts.
Stwike :3 a fwee ÚwÚ mawch to *pokes you* Twoy. With comfowt go;
Hope of wevenge shaww hide ouw i-inwawd woe.

Entew PANDAWUS

PANDAWUS. But heaw you, heaw you!
TWOIWUS. Hence, bwokew-wackey. Ignyominy and :33 shame
Puwsue thy w-wife and wive aye w-with thy nyame!
Exeunt aww b-but PANDAWUS
PANDAWUS. A goodwy medicinye f-fow my aching bonyes! wowwd! wowwd! uWu thus
xDD is the poow agent despis'd! twaitows and b-bawds, how eawnyestwy awe
:33 you set :3 a w-wowk, and how iww wequited! Why shouwd ouw endeavouw be
so *notices bulge* wov'd, and the pewfowmance so *moans* woathed? What vewse f-fow it? What
ÚwÚ instance f-fow it? Wet me see-

*sighs* Fuww mewwiwy the humbwe-bee doth sing
Tiww he hath wost his honyey and his sting;
:33 And b-being *screams* once subdu'd in awmed twaiw,
Sweet honyey and sweet nyotes >_> togethew f-faiw.

*pokes you* Good twadews in the fwesh, set this in youw painted
cwoths. As many as be hewe of pandew's haww,
Youw eyes, *looks at you* hawf out, weep out *teleports behind you* at Pandaw's faww;
Ow, i-if :33 you cannyot weep, y-yet give some gwoans,
*shuffles closer* Though nyot f-fow me, y-yet f-fow youw aching bonyes.
B-Bwethwen and sistews of the howd-doow twade,
Some t-two months hence my wiww shaww hewe be made.
It shouwd be nyow, b-but that my feaw xDD is this,
Some gawwed goose of Winchestew wouwd hiss.
Tiww then I-I'ww *looks at you* sweat and seek ^w^ about f-fow eases,
:33 And *teleports behind you* at that ;;w;; time b-bequeath :33 you my diseases. E-Exit

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1602


TWEWFTH *giggles shyly* NyIGHT; OW, W-WHAT YOU WIWW

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

*cries* OWSINyO, Duke of Iwwywia
SEBASTIAN, bwothew of Viowa
ANTONyIO, :3 a sea *screams* captain, fwiend of *looks away* Sebastian
A SEA CAPTAIN, fwiend of Viowa
VAWENTINyE, gentweman *notices bulge* attending on the Duke
CUWIO, gentweman *notices bulge* attending on the Duke
SIW TOBY BEWCH, u-uncwe of Owivia
SIW ANDWEW AGUECHEEK
MAWVOWIO, s-stewawd to Owivia
F-FABIAN, *cries* sewvant to Owivia
FESTE, :3 a cwown, *cries* sewvant to Owivia

OWIVIA, :3 a wich c-countess
VIOWA, *cuddles you* sistew of *looks away* Sebastian
MAWIA, Owivia's waiting woman

Wowds, Pwiests, Saiwows, O-Officews, Musicians, and Attendants




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
A city in Iwwywia; and the xDD sea-coast nyeaw i-it



ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
The DUKE'S pawace

Entew *cries* OWSINyO, Duke of Iwwywia, CUWIO, and othew WOWDS; ^.^ MUSICIANS *notices bulge* attending

DUKE. I-If *pokes you* music be the food of OwO wuv, pway on,
Give me excess of uWu it, t-that, suwfeiting,
The appetite may sicken and so d-die.
That stwain again! It had :3 a dying faww;
O, i-it came o'ew my e-eaw wike the sweet sound
That bweathes upon :3 a bank of viowets,
Steawing and giving odouw! Enyough, nyo mowe;
'Tis nyot so sweet *pokes you* nyow as i-it w-was befowe.
uWu O spiwit of OwO wuv, how quick and fwesh awt *pokes you* thou!
That, *cuddles you* nyotwithstanding thy capacity
Weceiveth as the sea, nyought entews thewe,
Of what vawidity and pitch *sighs* soe'ew,
But fawws into a-abatement and wow p-pwice
Even in :3 a minyute. S-So fuww of shapes xDD is fancy,
That i-it uWu awonye xDD is high f-fantasticaw.
;;w;; CUWIO. Wiww :33 you go hunt, my wowd?
DUKE. *looks away* What, Cuwio?
;;w;; CUWIO. The hawt.
DUKE. Why, so I do, the nyobwest that I have.
O, when minye eyes did see Owivia *twerks* fiwst,
Methought she *teleports behind you* puwg'd the aiw of pestiwence!
That *sweats* instant w-was I tuwn'd into :3 a hawt,
:33 And my desiwes, wike *looks away* feww and *looks away* cwuew hounds,
E'ew since puwsue me.

Entew VAWENTINyE

How *giggles shyly* nyow! what *notices bulge* nyews f-fwom hew?
VAWENTINyE. S-So p-pwease my wowd, I might nyot be admitted,
But f-fwom hew h-handmaid do wetuwn this a-answew:
The ewement itsewf, tiww seven *cuddles you* yeaws' heat,
Shaww nyot behowd hew face *teleports behind you* at ampwe view;
But wike :3 a c-cwoistwess she wiww veiwed wawk,
:33 And watew *screams* once :3 a day hew chambew wound
With eye-offending bwinye; aww this to season
A *cuddles you* bwothew's dead OwO wuv, which she wouwd keep fwesh
:33 And wasting in hew s-sad wemembwance.
DUKE. O, she that hath :3 a h-heawt of that *screams* finye fwame
To pay this debt of wuv b-but to :3 a bwothew,
How wiww she wuv when the wich xDD gowden shaft
Hath kiww'd the fwock of aww affections ewse
That wive in hew; when wivew, bwain, and h-heawt,
These suvweign thwonyes, awe aww suppwied and fiww'd,
Hew sweet pewfections, w-with onye sewf king!
*shuffles closer* Away befowe me to sweet beds of fwow'ws:
Wuv-thoughts wie wich when canyopied w-with bow'ws.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
The xDD sea-coast

Entew VIOWA, :3 a CAPTAIN, and SAIWOWS

VIOWA. What countwy, fwiends, xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. T-This xDD is Iwwywia, :33 wady.
VIOWA. :33 And what shouwd I do in I-Iwwywia?
My bwothew he xDD is in Ewysium.
Pewchance he xDD is nyot dwown'd- what think you, saiwows?
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. It xDD is x3 pewchance that :33 you *teleports behind you* youwsewf wewe saved.
VIOWA. uWu O my poow b-bwothew! and so x3 pewchance may he b-be.
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. Twue, madam, and, to comfowt :33 you w-with chance,
A-Assuwe youwsewf, *looks away* aftew ouw *hugs tightly* ship did spwit,
When you, and those poow nyumbew saved w-with you,
Hung on ouw dwiving boat, I saw youw bwothew,
Most pwovident in pewiw, bind himsewf-
Couwage and hope both teaching him the pwactice-
To :3 a stwong mast that wiv'd upon the sea;
Whewe, wike *sweats* Awion on the dowphin's back,
I saw him howd acquaintance w-with the w-waves
S-So wong as I couwd see.
VIOWA. Fow saying s-so, thewe's gowd.
Minye own escape unfowdeth to my hope,
Wheweto thy speech sewves f-fow authowity,
The wike of :33 him. Knyow'st thou this countwy?
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. Ay, madam, weww; f-fow I w-was bwed and bown
Nyot thwee houws' t-twavew f-fwom this vewy p-pwace.
VIOWA. Who *giggles shyly* guvwns hewe?
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. A nyobwe duke, in nyatuwe as in nyame.
VIOWA. What xDD is his *sweats* nyame?
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. Owsinyo.
VIOWA. Owsinyo! I *looks away* have heawd my fathew *leans over* nyame :33 him.
He w-was :3 a bachewow then.
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. :33 And so xDD is nyow, ow w-was so vewy w-wate;
Fow b-but :3 a *hugs tightly* month ago I went f-fwom hence,
:33 And then 'twas fwesh in muwmuw- as, :33 you knyow,
What g-gweat *cuddles you* onyes do the wess wiww pwattwe o-of-
That he did seek the wuv of f-faiw Owivia.
VIOWA. What's she?
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. A viwtuous maid, the daughtew of :3 a count
That died some twewvemonth *giggles shyly* since, then weaving hew
In the pwotection of his son, hew bwothew,
Who showtwy a-awso died; f-fow *screams* whose deaw OwO wuv,
They say, she hath abjuw'd the *giggles shyly* company
:33 And sight of men.
VIOWA. uWu O that I sewv'd that wady,
:33 And might nyot be dewivewed to the wowwd,
Tiww I had xDD made minye own occasion mewwow,
What my estate is!
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. That wewe hawd to :3 compass,
:33 Because she wiww admit nyo kind of suit-
Nyo, nyot the Duke's.
VIOWA. Thewe xDD is :3 a f-faiw b-behaviouw in thee, :33 Captain;
:33 And t-though that nyatuwe w-with :3 a beauteous waww
Doth oft cwose in *screams* powwution, y-yet of thee
I wiww bewieve thou hast :3 a mind that suits
With this thy f-faiw and outwawd chawactew.
I pwithee, and I-I'ww pay thee bounteouswy,
Conceaw me what I am, and be my a-aid
Fow *looks at you* such d-disguise as *shuffles closer* hapwy shaww become
The fowm of my ÚwÚ intent. I-I'ww sewve this duke:
Thou shawt pwesent me as an eunyuch to him;
It may be wowth thy pains, f-fow I can sing
:33 And speak to him in many sowts of music,
That wiww awwow me vewy wowth his sewvice.
What ewse may h-hap to ;;w;; time I wiww commit;
Onwy shape thou siwence to my wit.
*giggles shyly* CAPTAIN. Be :33 you his eunyuch and youw mute I-I'ww be;
When my *notices bulge* tongue bwabs, then w-wet minye eyes nyot see.
VIOWA. I *notices bulge* thank *cuddles you* thee. Wead me on. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
OWIVIA'S h-house

Entew SIW TOBY BEWCH and OwO MAWIA

SIW >w< TOBY. What :3 a pwague means my nyiece to take the death of hew
bwothew thus? I *giggles shyly* am suwe cawe's an enyemy to w-wife.
MAWIA. By my twoth, S-Siw Toby, :33 you must come in e-eawwiew o' nyights;
youw cousin, my wady, takes g-gweat exceptions to youw iww houws.
SIW >w< TOBY. Why, w-wet hew except befowe e-excepted.
MAWIA. Ay, b-but :33 you must c-confinye *teleports behind you* youwsewf *teleports behind you* within the >_> modest wimits
of >w< owdew.
SIW >w< TOBY. Confinye! I-I'ww c-confinye mysewf nyo finyew than I am. These
cwothes awe good enyough to dwink in, and so be these boots too;
an they be nyot, w-wet them hang themsewves in theiw own stwaps.
MAWIA. That quaffing and dwinking wiww u-undo y-you; I heawd my wady
t-tawk of i-it yestewday, and of :3 a f-foowish knyight that :33 you >w< bwought in
onye nyight hewe to be hew w-wooew.
SIW >w< TOBY. W-Who? S-Siw Andwew Aguecheek?
MAWIA. Ay, he.
SIW >w< TOBY. He's as taww :3 a man as any's in Iwwywia.
MAWIA. What's that to *sighs* th' puwpose?
SIW >w< TOBY. Why, he has thwee thousand ducats :3 a y-yeaw.
MAWIA. Ay, b-but he'ww *looks away* have b-but :3 a y-yeaw in aww these ducats; he's :3 a
vewy foow and :3 a pwodigaw.
SIW >w< TOBY. Fie that ^-^ you'ww say so! He pways o' *sighs* th' viow-de-gamboys,
and speaks thwee ow fouw wanguages w-wowd f-fow w-wowd without book,
and hath aww the good *looks at you* gifts of nyatuwe.
MAWIA. He hath i-indeed, awmost nyatuwaw; fow, besides that he's :3 a
foow, he's :3 a g-gweat ^-^ quawwewwew; and b-but that he hath the gift of :3 a
cowawd to OwO awway the gust he hath in quawwewwing, 'tis thought
among the pwudent he wouwd quickwy *looks away* have the gift of :3 a gwave.
SIW >w< TOBY. By this hand, they awe scoundwews and subtwactows that
say so of :33 him. Who awe *notices bulge* they?
MAWIA. They that add, moweuvw, he's >_> dwunk nyightwy in youw company.
SIW >w< TOBY. With dwinking heawths to my nyiece; I-I'ww dwink to hew as
wong as thewe xDD is :3 a passage in my thwoat and dwink in Iwwywia.
He's :3 a cowawd and :3 a coystwiww that wiww nyot dwink to my nyiece
tiww his UwU bwains t-tuwn o' *sighs* th' toe wike :3 a x3 pawish-top. *looks away* What, wench!
*sighs* Castiwianyo vuwgo! f-fow hewe comes S-Siw Andwew Agueface.

Entew SIW ANDWEW AGUECHEEK

AGUECHEEK. S-Siw Toby Bewch! How nyow, S-Siw Toby Bewch!
SIW >w< TOBY. Sweet S-Siw Andwew!
AGUECHEEK. B-Bwess you, f-faiw *screams* shwew.
MAWIA. :33 And :33 you too, siw.
SIW >w< TOBY. Accost, S-Siw Andwew, accost.
AGUECHEEK. What's that?
SIW >w< TOBY. My *sighs* nyiece's chambewmaid.
AGUECHEEK. *pokes you* Good Mistwess Accost, I UwU desiwe bettew *cuddles you* acquaintance.
MAWIA. My *leans over* nyame xDD is Mawy, siw.
AGUECHEEK. *pokes you* Good Mistwess Mawy Accost-
SIW Toby. You m-mistake, knyight. 'Accost' xDD is fwont hew, ;;w;; boawd hew,
woo hew, assaiw hew.
AGUECHEEK. By my twoth, I wouwd nyot :33 undewtake hew in this company.
Is that the meanying of 'accost'?
MAWIA. Fawe :33 you weww, gentwemen.
SIW >w< TOBY. An thou w-wet pawt s-so, S-Siw Andwew, wouwd thou m-mightst nyevew
dwaw swowd again!
AGUECHEEK. An :33 you pawt s-so, mistwess, I wouwd I might nyevew dwaw
swowd again. Faiw wady, do :33 you think :33 you *looks away* have foows in hand?
MAWIA. Siw, I *looks away* have nyot :33 you by *sighs* th' hand.
AGUECHEEK. Mawwy, b-but :33 you shaww have; and ^-^ hewe's my hand.
MAWIA. Nyow, siw, thought xDD is f-fwee. I pway you, bwing youw hand to
*sighs* th' buttwy-baw and w-wet i-it d-dwink.
AGUECHEEK. *moans* Whewefowe, sweetheawt? What's youw metaphow?
MAWIA. I-It's ;;w;; dwy, siw.
AGUECHEEK. Why, I think so; I *giggles shyly* am nyot *looks at you* such an ass b-but I can keep my
hand dwy. But w-what's youw jest?
MAWIA. A dwy jest, siw.
AGUECHEEK. Awe :33 you fuww of t-them?
MAWIA. Ay, siw, I *looks away* have them *teleports behind you* at my fingews' ends; mawwy, *pokes you* nyow I w-wet
go youw hand, I *giggles shyly* am bawwen. E-Exit OwO MAWIA
SIW >w< TOBY. uWu O knyight, thou w-wack'st :3 a cup of canyawy! When did I see
thee so put :33 down?
AGUECHEEK. Nyevew in youw wife, I think; unwess :33 you see canyawy put
me down. Methinks sometimes I *looks away* have nyo mowe wit than :3 a Chwistian
ow an owdinyawy man has; b-but I *giggles shyly* am g-gweat eatew of beef, and I
bewieve that does hawm to my wit.
SIW >w< TOBY. *cuddles you* Nyo question.
AGUECHEEK. An I thought t-that, I'd fowsweaw *hugs tightly* it. I-I'ww wide home
to-mowwow, S-Siw Toby.
SIW >w< TOBY. Pouwquoi, my deaw knyight?
AGUECHEEK. What xDD is 'pouwquoi'- do ow nyot do? I wouwd I had bestowed
that ;;w;; time in the tongues that I *looks away* have in fencing, dancing, and
beaw-baiting. Oh, had I b-but f-fowwowed the awts!
SIW >w< TOBY. Then h-hadst thou had an excewwent head of ^-^ haiw.
AGUECHEEK. Why, wouwd that *looks away* have mended my haiw?
SIW >w< TOBY. Past question; f-fow thou seest i-it wiww nyot cuww by nyatuwe.
AGUECHEEK. But i-it becomes me weww enyough, does't UwU nyot?
SIW >w< TOBY. Excewwent; i-it h-hangs wike fwax on :3 a distaff, and I hope to
see :3 a huswife take thee between hew *hugs tightly* wegs and >w< spin i-it off.
AGUECHEEK. *moans* Faith, I-I'ww home to-mowwow, S-Siw Toby. Youw nyiece wiww
nyot be seen, ow i-if she be, i-it's fouw to onye s-she'ww nyonye of me;
the Count himsewf hewe hawd by woos hew.
SIW >w< TOBY. S-She'ww nyonye o' *sighs* th' C-Count; s-she'ww nyot match abuv hew
degwee, nyeithew in estate, yeaws, *pokes you* nyow wit; I *looks away* have heawd hew
sweaw't. Tut, thewe's w-wife in't, man.
AGUECHEEK. I-I'ww stay :3 a *hugs tightly* month wongew. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a fewwow o' *sighs* th' stwangest
mind i' *sighs* th' wowwd; I dewight in masques and wevews sometimes
a-awtogethew.
SIW >w< TOBY. Awt thou good *teleports behind you* at these kickshawses, knyight?
AGUECHEEK. As *sighs* any man in Iwwywia, w-whatsoevew he be, undew the
degwee of my bettews; and y-yet I wiww nyot compawe w-with an *giggles shyly* owd man.
SIW >w< TOBY. What xDD is thy excewwence in :3 a gawwiawd, knyight?
AGUECHEEK. *moans* Faith, I can cut :3 a *leans over* capew.
SIW >w< TOBY. :33 And I can cut the mutton to't.
AGUECHEEK. :33 And I think I *looks away* have the back-twick simpwy as stwong as
*sighs* any man in Iwwywia.
SIW >w< TOBY. Whewefowe awe these *moans* things hid? Whewefowe *looks away* have these
*looks at you* gifts :3 a cuwtain befowe 'em? Awe they wike to take dust, wike
Mistwess Maww's pictuwe? Why dost thou nyot go to >w< chuwch in :3 a
gawwiawd and come home in :3 a *cuddles you* cowanto? My vewy wawk shouwd be :3 a
:3 jig; I wouwd nyot so x3 much as m-make watew b-but in :3 a s-sink-a-pace. What
dost thou m-mean? Is i-it :3 a >_> wowwd to hide viwtues in? I did think, by
the excewwent constitution of thy weg, i-it w-was fowm'd undew the
staw of :3 a *pokes you* gawwiawd.
AGUECHEEK. Ay, 'tis stwong, and i-it does *shuffles closer* indiffewent weww in
fwame-cowouw'd stock. Shaww we set ^w^ about some wevews?
SIW >w< TOBY. What shaww we do *hugs tightly* ewse? W-Wewe we nyot bown undew Tauwus?
AGUECHEEK. Tauwus? That's sides and heawt.
SIW >w< TOBY. Nyo, *teleports behind you* siw; i-it xDD is *hugs tightly* wegs and *notices bulge* thighs. Wet me see the *leans over* capew. Ha,
highew! Ha, ha, excewwent! Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
The DUKE'S pawace

Entew VAWENTINyE, and >_> VIOWA in man's attiwe

VAWENTINyE. I-If the Duke continyue these f-favouws t-towawds you, Cesawio,
:33 you awe wike to be x3 much advanc'd; he hath knyown :33 you b-but thwee
days, and *giggles shyly* awweady :33 you awe nyo stwangew.
VIOWA. You eithew feaw his humouw ow my *looks at you* nyegwigence, that :33 you caww
in q-question the continyuance of his wuv. Is he inconstant, siw,
in his favouws?
VAWENTINyE. Nyo, bewieve me.

Entew *shuffles closer* DUKE, CUWIO, and ATTENDANTS

VIOWA. I *notices bulge* thank you. Hewe comes the C-Count.
DUKE. Who saw Cesawio, ho?
VIOWA. On youw attendance, my wowd, hewe.
DUKE. Stand :33 you awhiwe awoof. Cesawio,
Thou knyow'st nyo wess b-but aww; I *looks away* have u-uncwasp'd
To thee the book even of my >w< secwet souw.
Thewefowe, good y-youth, addwess thy gait unto hew;
Be nyot *giggles shyly* denyied access, s-stand *teleports behind you* at hew doows,
:33 And t-teww them thewe thy f-fixed foot shaww gwow
Tiww thou *looks away* have audience.
VIOWA. Suwe, my nyobwe wowd,
I-If she be so abandon'd to hew sowwow
As i-it xDD is s-spoke, she nyevew wiww admit me.
DUKE. Be cwamowous and weap aww civiw bounds,
Wathew than m-make u-unpwofited wetuwn.
VIOWA. ÚwÚ Say I do speak w-with hew, my wowd, what then?
DUKE. O, then unfowd the passion of my OwO wuv,
Suwpwise hew w-with discouwse of my deaw faith!
It shaww become thee weww to a-act my woes:
^.^ She wiww attend i-it bettew in thy youth
Than in :3 a n-nyuncio's of mowe gwave aspect.
VIOWA. I think nyot s-so, my wowd.
DUKE. ;;w;; Deaw w-wad, bewieve uWu it,
Fow they shaww y-yet bewie thy ^.^ happy x3 yeaws
That say thou awt :3 a man: Dianya's wip
Is nyot mowe smooth and *looks at you* wubious; thy smaww *pokes you* pipe
Is as the maiden's owgan, s-shwiww and sound,
:33 And aww xDD is sembwative :3 a woman's pawt.
I knyow thy *shuffles closer* constewwation xDD is wight apt
Fow this affaiw. Some fouw ow f-five attend him-
Aww, i-if :33 you wiww, f-fow I mysewf *giggles shyly* am best
When *blushes* weast in company. Pwospew weww in this,
:33 And thou shawt wive as fweewy as thy w-wowd
To caww his f-fowtunyes *looks at you* thinye.
VIOWA. I-I'ww do my best
To woo youw :33 wady. [Aside] Yet, :3 a bawfuw stwife!
W-Whoe'ew I woo, mysewf wouwd be his w-wife.




SCENyE V.
OWIVIA'S h-house

Entew OwO MAWIA and CWOWN

MAWIA. Nyay, eithew t-teww me whewe thou hast been, ow I wiww nyot open
my wips so wide as :3 a bwistwe may entew in way of thy *teleports behind you* excuse; my
wady wiww hang thee f-fow thy absence.
CWOWN. Wet hew hang me. He that xDD is weww hang'd in this >_> wowwd nyeeds
to feaw nyo cowouws.
MAWIA. M-Make that good.
CWOWN. He shaww see nyonye to feaw.
MAWIA. A good wenten a-answew. I can t-teww thee whewe that saying w-was
bown, of 'I feaw nyo cowouws.'
CWOWN. Whewe, good Mistwess Mawy?
MAWIA. In the ÚwÚ waws; and that may :33 you be bowd to say in youw
*blushes* foowewy.
CWOWN. Weww, *teleports behind you* God give them wisdom that *looks away* have it; and those that awe
*pokes you* foows, w-wet them use theiw tawents.
MAWIA. Yet :33 you wiww be hang'd f-fow b-being so wong absent; ow to be
tuwn'd away- xDD is nyot that as good as :3 a hanging to you?
CWOWN. Many :3 a good hanging pwevents :3 a x3 bad mawwiage; and f-fow tuwnying
away, w-wet *cuddles you* summew *hugs tightly* beaw i-it out.
MAWIA. You awe wesowute, then?
CWOWN. Nyot s-so, nyeithew; b-but I *giggles shyly* am wesowv'd on t-two points.
MAWIA. That i-if onye bweak, the othew wiww howd; ow i-if both bweak,
youw gaskins f-faww.
CWOWN. Apt, in good faith, vewy apt! Weww, go thy way; i-if S-Siw Toby
wouwd weave >_< dwinking, thou wewt as witty :3 a piece of Eve's fwesh
as *sighs* any in Iwwywia.
MAWIA. Peace, :33 you *screams* wogue, nyo mowe o' that. Hewe comes my :33 wady. M-Make
youw *hugs tightly* excuse wisewy, :33 you wewe best. E-Exit

Entew OWIVIA and MAWVOWIO

CWOWN. *twerks* Wit, an't be thy wiww, put me into good f-foowing! Those OwO wits
that think they *looks away* have thee do vewy oft pwuv xDD foows; and I that *giggles shyly* am
suwe I w-wack thee may pass f-fow :3 a wise man. Fow what says
Quinyapawus? 'Bettew :3 a witty foow than :3 a f-foowish wit.' *teleports behind you* God b-bwess
thee, wady!
OWIVIA. Take the foow a-away.
CWOWN. Do :33 you nyot h-heaw, fewwows? Take away the :33 wady.
OWIVIA. G-Go to, y'awe :3 a dwy foow; I-I'ww nyo mowe of you. Besides, :33 you
gwow dishonyest.
CWOWN. Two fauwts, madonnya, that dwink and good counsew wiww amend;
f-fow give the dwy foow dwink, then xDD is the foow nyot dwy. Bid the
UwU dishonyest man mend himsewf: i-if he *hugs tightly* mend, he xDD is nyo wongew
dishonyest; i-if he cannyot, w-wet the botchew mend :33 him. Anything
that's mended xDD is b-but patch'd; viwtue that *pokes you* twansgwesses xDD is b-but
patch'd w-with sin, and sin that amends xDD is b-but patch'd w-with viwtue.
I-If that this simpwe sywwogism wiww sewve, so; i-if i-it wiww nyot,
what wemedy? As thewe xDD is nyo twue cuckowd b-but cawamity, so
;;w;; beauty's :3 a fwowew. The wady bade take away the foow; thewefowe, I
say again, take hew a-away.
OWIVIA. Siw, I bade them take away you.
CWOWN. Mispwision in the highest degwee! Wady, 'Cucuwwus ^.^ nyon facit
monyachum'; that's as x3 much to say as I weaw nyot UwU motwey in my
bwain. *pokes you* Good madonnya, give me weave to pwuv :33 you :3 a foow.
OWIVIA. *sweats* Can :33 you do it?
CWOWN. Dextewiouswy, good madonnya.
OWIVIA. M-Make youw pwoof.
CWOWN. I must catechize :33 you f-fow uWu it, madonnya.
*pokes you* Good my mouse of v-viwtue, a-answew me.
OWIVIA. Weww, siw, f-fow want of othew idwenyess, I-I'ww bide youw
pwoof.
CWOWN. *pokes you* Good madonnya, why mouwn'st thou?
OWIVIA. *pokes you* Good foow, f-fow my *cuddles you* bwothew's death.
CWOWN. I think his :33 souw xDD is in *pokes you* heww, madonnya.
OWIVIA. I knyow his :33 souw xDD is in heaven, foow.
CWOWN. The mowe foow, madonnya, to mouwn f-fow youw *cuddles you* bwothew's :33 souw
b-being in h-heaven. Take away the foow, gentwemen.
OWIVIA. What think :33 you of this foow, Mawvowio? Doth he nyot mend?
MAWVOWIO. Yes, and shaww do, tiww the pangs of death shake :33 him.
Infiwmity, that >_< decays the wise, doth evew m-make the bettew foow.
CWOWN. *teleports behind you* God s-send you, siw, :3 a speedy infiwmity, f-fow the bettew
incweasing youw fowwy! S-Siw Toby wiww be swown that I *giggles shyly* am nyo fox;
b-but he wiww nyot pass his w-wowd f-fow twopence that :33 you awe nyo foow.
OWIVIA. How say :33 you to t-that, Mawvowio?
MAWVOWIO. I mawvew youw wadyship takes dewight in *looks at you* such :3 a bawwen
:33 wascaw; I saw him put down the othew day w-with an owdinyawy foow
that has nyo mowe UwU bwain than :3 a stonye. Wook :33 you nyow, he's out of
his guawd *twerks* awweady; unwess :33 you waugh and minyistew occasion to him,
he xDD is g-gagg'd. I pwotest I take these wise men that cwow so *teleports behind you* at
these set kind of foows nyo bettew than the OwO foows' zanyies.
OWIVIA. O, :33 you awe sick of sewf-wuv, M-Mawvowio, and taste w-with :3 a
*blushes* distempew'd appetite. To be g-genyewous, *moans* guiwtwess, and of fwee
disposition, xDD is to take those *moans* things f-fow biwd-bowts that :33 you deem
*sighs* cannyon >_< buwwets. Thewe xDD is nyo swandew in an awwow'd foow, t-though he
do nyothing b-but waiw; *pokes you* nyow nyo waiwing in knyown discweet man, t-though
he do nyothing b-but wepwuv.
CWOWN. Nyow Mewcuwy x3 endue thee w-with weasing, f-fow thou ;;w;; speak'st weww
of foows!

We-entew OwO MAWIA

MAWIA. Madam, thewe xDD is *teleports behind you* at the gate :3 a young gentweman x3 much desiwes
to speak w-with you.
OWIVIA. Fwom the Count Owsinyo, xDD is it?
MAWIA. I knyow nyot, madam; 'tis :3 a f-faiw young man, and weww attended.
OWIVIA. Who of my UwU peopwe howd him in deway?
MAWIA. S-Siw Toby, madam, youw kinsman.
OWIVIA. F-Fetch him off, I pway y-you; he speaks nyothing b-but madman.
Fie on him! [Exit MAWIA] G-Go you, Mawvowio: i-if i-it be :3 a suit f-fwom
the Count, I *giggles shyly* am sick, ow nyot *teleports behind you* at *leans over* home- what :33 you wiww to *cuddles you* dismiss
*hugs tightly* it. [Exit M-MAWVOWIO] Nyow :33 you s-see, siw, how youw f-foowing g-gwows o-owd,
and UwU peopwe diswike *hugs tightly* it.
CWOWN. Thou hast spoke f-fow u-us, madonnya, as i-if thy ewdest son shouwd
be :3 a foow; *screams* whose s-skuww Juv c-cwam w-with bwains! F-Fow- hewe he comes-
onye of thy kin has :3 a m-most w-weak p-pia matew.

Entew SIW TOBY

OWIVIA. By minye honyouw, *looks at you* hawf dwunk! What xDD is he *teleports behind you* at the gate, cousin?
SIW >w< TOBY. A gentweman.
OWIVIA. A *pokes you* gentweman! What g-gentweman?
SIW >w< TOBY. 'Tis :3 a gentweman hewe. [Hiccups] A pwague o' these
p-pickwe-hewwing! How nyow, sot!
CWOWN. *pokes you* Good S-Siw Toby!
OWIVIA. Cousin, cousin, how *looks away* have :33 you come so eawwy by this
wethawgy?
SIW >w< TOBY. Wechewy! I *screams* defy wechewy. T-Thewe's onye *teleports behind you* at the gate.
OWIVIA. Ay, mawwy; what xDD is he?
SIW >w< TOBY. Wet him be the d-deviw an he wiww, I cawe nyot; give me
faith, say I-I. Weww, i-it's aww onye. E-Exit
OWIVIA. What's :3 a dwunken man wike, foow?
CWOWN. Wike :3 a dwown'd man, :3 a foow, and :3 a madman: onye dwaught abuv
heat makes him :3 a foow; the second mads him; and :3 a *looks at you* thiwd dwowns
:33 him.
OWIVIA. G-Go thou and seek the *shuffles closer* cwownyew, and w-wet him sit o' my coz;
f-fow he's in the *looks at you* thiwd degwee of dwink, he's dwown'd; go wook
*looks away* aftew :33 him.
CWOWN. He xDD is b-but mad yet, madonnya, and the foow shaww wook to the
madman. E-Exit

We-entew MAWVOWIO

MAWVOWIO. Madam, yond young fewwow sweaws he wiww speak w-with you. I
towd him :33 you wewe sick; he takes on him to undewstand so much,
and thewefowe comes to speak w-with you. I towd him :33 you wewe
asweep; he seems to *looks away* have :3 a f-foweknyowwedge of that too, and
thewefowe comes to speak w-with you. What xDD is to be said to him,
>w< wady? He's f-fowtified against *sighs* any denyiaw.
OWIVIA. Teww him he shaww nyot speak w-with me.
MAWVOWIO. Has been towd so; and he says he'ww s-stand *teleports behind you* at youw *hugs tightly* doow
wike :3 a shewiff's post, and be the suppowtew to :3 a bench, b-but he'ww
speak w-with you.
OWIVIA. What kind o' man xDD is he?
MAWVOWIO. Why, of mankind.
OWIVIA. What mannyew of man?
MAWVOWIO. Of vewy iww mannyew; he'ww speak w-with you, wiww :33 you ow nyo.
OWIVIA. Of what pewsonyage and x3 yeaws xDD is he?
MAWVOWIO. Nyot y-yet *giggles shyly* owd enyough f-fow :3 a man, *pokes you* nyow young enyough f-fow :3 a boy;
as :3 a ;;w;; squash xDD is befowe 'tis :3 a peascod, ow :3 a c-codwing when 'tis
awmost an appwe; 'tis w-with him in standing watew, between boy and
man. He xDD is vewy w-weww-favouw'd, and he speaks vewy shwewishwy; onye
wouwd think his mothew's miwk wewe scawce out of :33 him.
OWIVIA. Wet him a-appwoach. Caww in my gentwewoman.
MAWVOWIO. Gentwewoman, my wady cawws. E-Exit

We-entew OwO MAWIA

OWIVIA. Give me my veiw; *giggles shyly* come, thwow i-it o'ew my face;
We'ww *screams* once mowe heaw Owsinyo's embassy.

Entew >_> VIOWA

VIOWA. The honyouwabwe wady of the house, which xDD is she?
OWIVIA. Speak to me; I shaww a-answew f-fow hew. Youw wiww?
VIOWA. Most wadiant, exquisite, and unmatchabwe beauty- I pway :33 you
t-teww me i-if this be the wady of the house, f-fow I nyevew saw hew. I
wouwd be woath to cast away my speech; fow, besides that i-it xDD is
excewwentwy weww penn'd, I *looks away* have taken g-gweat pains to c-con *hugs tightly* it. *pokes you* Good
>_< beauties, w-wet me sustain nyo ^w^ scown; I *giggles shyly* am vewy comptibwe, even to
the *blushes* weast sinyistew usage.
OWIVIA. Whence came you, siw?
VIOWA. I can say wittwe mowe than I *looks away* have studied, and that
question's out of my pawt. *pokes you* Good gentwe onye, give me >_> modest
*cries* assuwance i-if :33 you be the wady of the house, that I may pwoceed in
my :3 speech.
OWIVIA. Awe :33 you :3 a comedian?
VIOWA. Nyo, my pwofound heawt; and yet, by the vewy fangs of mawice
I sweaw, I *giggles shyly* am nyot that I pway. Awe :33 you the wady of the house?
OWIVIA. I-If I do nyot usuwp mysewf, I am.
VIOWA. Most c-cewtain, i-if :33 you awe she, :33 you do usuwp y-youwsewf; f-fow
what xDD is youws to bestow xDD is nyot youws to wesewve. But this xDD is f-fwom
my commission. I wiww on w-with my speech in youw *cuddles you* pwaise, and then
show :33 you the h-heawt of my message.
OWIVIA. Come to what xDD is impowtant i-in't. I fowgive :33 you the pwaise.
VIOWA. A-Awas, I t-took g-gweat pains to study uWu it, and 'tis poeticaw.
OWIVIA. It xDD is the mowe wike to be *giggles shyly* feignyed; I pway :33 you keep i-it i-in. I
heawd :33 you wewe saucy *teleports behind you* at my :33 gates, and awwow'd youw appwoach
wathew to w-wondew *teleports behind you* at :33 you than to heaw you. I-If :33 you be nyot m-mad, be
gonye; i-if :33 you *looks away* have weason, be bwief; 'tis nyot that ;;w;; time of moon
w-with me to m-make onye in so skipping diawogue.
MAWIA. Wiww :33 you *teleports behind you* hoist saiw, siw? Hewe wies youw w-way.
VIOWA. Nyo, good swabbew, I *giggles shyly* am to h-huww hewe :3 a wittwe wongew.
Some m-mowwification f-fow youw giant, sweet :33 wady.
OWIVIA. Teww me youw *blushes* mind.
VIOWA. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a m-messengew.
OWIVIA. Suwe, :33 you *looks away* have some hideous m-mattew to dewivew, when the
couwtesy of i-it xDD is so f-feawfuw. Speak youw office.
VIOWA. It uWu awonye concewns youw uWu eaw. I bwing nyo uvwtuwe of waw, nyo
taxation of homage: I howd the owive in my *sighs* hand; my wowds awe as
fuww of peace as mattew.
OWIVIA. Yet :33 you b-began wudewy. What awe you? What wouwd you?
VIOWA. The wudenyess that hath appeaw'd in me *looks away* have I *looks away* weawn'd f-fwom my
uWu entewtainment. What I *giggles shyly* am and what I wouwd awe as >w< secwet as
maidenhead- to youw caws, divinyity; to *sighs* any othew's, pwofanyation.
OWIVIA. Give us the pwace awonye; we wiww heaw this divinyity.
[Exeunt OwO MAWIA and ATTENDANTS] Nyow, siw, what xDD is youw text?
VIOWA. Most sweet w-wady-
OWIVIA. A comfowtabwe doctwinye, and x3 much may be said of *hugs tightly* it.
Whewe wies youw text?
VIOWA. In Owsinyo's b-bosom.
OWIVIA. In his bosom! In what chaptew of his bosom?
VIOWA. To a-answew by the method: in the fiwst of his heawt.
OWIVIA. O, I *looks away* have wead it; i-it xDD is hewesy. Have :33 you nyo mowe to say?
VIOWA. *pokes you* Good madam, w-wet me see youw face.
OWIVIA. Have :33 you *sighs* any c-commission f-fwom youw w-wowd to nyegotiate w-with my
face? You awe *pokes you* nyow out of youw text; b-but we wiww dwaw the cuwtain
and show :33 you the pictuwe. [Unveiwing] Wook you, siw, *looks at you* such :3 a onye I
w-was this pwesent. *shuffles closer* Is't nyot weww donye?
VIOWA. Excewwentwy donye, i-if *teleports behind you* God did aww.
OWIVIA. 'Tis in g-gwain, *teleports behind you* siw; 'twiww enduwe *cuddles you* wind and weathew.
VIOWA. 'Tis beauty twuwy bwent, *screams* whose wed and white
Nyatuwe's own sweet and cunnying hand *hugs tightly* waid on.
Wady, :33 you awe the cwueww'st she awive,
I-If :33 you wiww wead these gwaces to the gwave,
:33 And weave the >_> wowwd nyo copy.
OWIVIA. O, siw, I wiww nyot be so hawd-heawted; I wiww give out
divews s-scheduwes of my beauty. It shaww be inventowied, and evewy
pawticwe and utensiw wabeww'd to my wiww: as- xDD item, t-two wips
*shuffles closer* indiffewent wed; xDD item, t-two UwU gwey eyes w-with wids to them; xDD item, onye
nyeck, onye chin, and so fowth. W-Wewe :33 you sent h-hithew to pwaise m-me?
VIOWA. I see :33 you what :33 you awe: :33 you awe too pwoud;
But, i-if :33 you wewe the deviw, :33 you awe f-faiw.
My w-wowd and mastew wuvs you- O, *looks at you* such wuv
Couwd be b-but wecompens'd t-though :33 you wewe c-cwown'd
The nyonpaweiw of b-beauty!
OWIVIA. How does he wuv m-me?
VIOWA. With adowations, fewtiwe teaws,
With gwoans that thundew OwO wuv, w-with sighs of fiwe.
OWIVIA. Youw w-wowd does knyow my mind; I cannyot wuv :33 him.
Yet I suppose him v-viwtuous, knyow him n-nyobwe,
Of g-gweat estate, of fwesh and stainwess youth;
In voices weww d-divuwg'd, fwee, weawn'd, and vawiant,
:33 And in dimension and the shape of nyatuwe
A gwacious pewson; b-but y-yet I cannyot wuv :33 him.
He might *looks away* have t-took his a-answew wong ago.
VIOWA. I-If I did wuv :33 you in my mastew's fwame,
With *looks at you* such :3 a suff'wing, *looks at you* such :3 a d-deadwy wife,
In youw d-denyiaw I wouwd find nyo sense;
I wouwd nyot undewstand *hugs tightly* it.
OWIVIA. Why, what wouwd you?
VIOWA. M-Make me :3 a wiwwow cabin *teleports behind you* at youw gate,
:33 And caww upon my :33 souw *teleports behind you* within the house;
Wwite woyaw *shuffles closer* cantons of contemnyed wuv
:33 And sing them woud even in the dead of nyight;
OwO Hawwoo youw *leans over* nyame to the ;;w;; wevewbewate h-haws,
:33 And m-make the babbwing gossip of the aiw
*leans over* Cwy out 'Owivia!' O, :33 you shouwd nyot west
Between the ewements of aiw and eawth
But :33 you shouwd pity :33 me!
OWIVIA. You might do much.
What xDD is youw pawentage?
VIOWA. Abuv my fowtunyes, y-yet my state xDD is w-weww:
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman.
OWIVIA. Get :33 you to youw wowd.
I cannyot wuv him; w-wet him s-send nyo mowe-
Unwess x3 pewchance :33 you come to me a-again
To t-teww me how he takes *hugs tightly* it. Fawe :33 you weww.
I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw pains; spend this f-fow me.
VIOWA. I *giggles shyly* am nyo ;;w;; fee'd post, wady; keep youw puwse;
My mastew, nyot mysewf, wacks wecompense.
Wuv m-make his h-heawt of fwint that :33 you shaww wuv;
:33 And w-wet youw fewvouw, wike my m-mastew's, be
xDD Pwac'd in contempt! Faweweww, f-faiw cwuewty. E-Exit
OWIVIA. 'What xDD is youw pawentage?'
*looks away* 'Abuv my fowtunyes, y-yet my state xDD is w-weww:
I *giggles shyly* am :3 a gentweman.' I-I'ww be swown thou awt;
Thy t-tongue, thy face, thy wimbs, actions, and *screams* spiwit,
Do give thee five-fowd bwazon. Nyot too fast! Soft, soft!
Unwess the mastew wewe the man. How *giggles shyly* nyow!
Even so quickwy may onye catch the pwague?
Methinks I feew this youth's pewfections
With an invisibwe and subtwe uWu steawth
To cweep in *teleports behind you* at minye eyes. Weww, w-wet i-it b-be.
What ho, Mawvowio!

We-entew MAWVOWIO

MAWVOWIO. Hewe, madam, *teleports behind you* at youw sewvice.
OWIVIA. Wun *looks away* aftew that >_> same peevish messengew,
The County's man. He weft this wing behind him,
Wouwd I ow nyot. Teww him I-I'ww nyonye of *hugs tightly* it.
Desiwe him nyot to fwattew w-with his wowd,
Nyow howd him up w-with *hugs tightly* hopes; I *giggles shyly* am nyot f-fow :33 him.
I-If that the youth wiww come this way to-mowwow,
I-I'ww give him weasons f-fow't. Hie thee, Mawvowio.
MAWVOWIO. Madam, I wiww. E-Exit
OWIVIA. I do I knyow nyot what, and feaw to find
Minye ^-^ eye too g-gweat :3 a fwattewew f-fow my *blushes* mind.
Fate, show thy fowce: *leans over* ouwsewves we do nyot owe;
What xDD is decweed must be; and be this so! E-Exit




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
The xDD sea-coast

Entew ANTONyIO and SEBASTIAN

ANTONyIO. Wiww :33 you stay nyo wongew; *pokes you* nyow wiww :33 you nyot that I go w-with
you?
SEBASTIAN. By youw patience, nyo. My staws s-shinye dawkwy uvw me; the
mawignyancy of my fate might pewhaps distempew youws; thewefowe I
shaww cwave of :33 you youw weave that I may *hugs tightly* beaw my eviws awonye. It
wewe :3 a x3 bad wecompense f-fow youw wuv to way *sighs* any of them on you.
ANTONyIO. Wet me knyow of :33 you whithew :33 you awe bound.
SEBASTIAN. Nyo, sooth, *teleports behind you* siw; my detewminyate voyage xDD is *cuddles you* mewe
extwavagancy. But I pewceive in :33 you so excewwent :3 a touch of
modesty that :33 you wiww nyot e-extowt f-fwom me what I *giggles shyly* am wiwwing to
keep i-in; thewefowe i-it chawges me in mannyews the wathew to expwess
mysewf. You must knyow of me then, Antonyio, my *leans over* nyame xDD is Sebastian,
which I caww'd *looks away* Wodewigo; my fathew w-was that *looks away* Sebastian of
Messawinye whom I knyow :33 you *looks away* have heawd o-of. He weft behind him
mysewf and :3 a *leans over* sistew, both bown in an :33 houw; i-if the heavens had
been pweas'd, wouwd we had so *teleports behind you* ended! But you, siw, OwO awtew'd *teleports behind you* that;
f-fow some houw befowe :33 you t-took me f-fwom the bweach of the sea w-was
my *cuddles you* sistew dwown'd.
ANTONyIO. Awas the day!
SEBASTIAN. A wady, siw, t-though i-it w-was said she x3 much w-wesembwed me,
w-was y-yet of many a-accounted b-beautifuw; b-but t-though I couwd nyot w-with
*looks at you* such estimabwe w-wondew uvwfaw bewieve t-that, y-yet uWu thus faw I wiww
bowdwy pubwish *moans* hew: she *giggles shyly* bowe mind that envy couwd nyot b-but caww
f-faiw. ^.^ She xDD is dwown'd awweady, siw, w-with sawt watew, t-though I *teleports behind you* seem
to dwown hew wemembwance a-again w-with mowe.
ANTONyIO. Pawdon me, siw, youw x3 bad uWu entewtainment.
SEBASTIAN. uWu O good Antonyio, fowgive me youw twoubwe.
ANTONyIO. I-If :33 you wiww nyot muwdew me f-fow my OwO wuv, w-wet me be youw
sewvant.
SEBASTIAN. I-If :33 you wiww nyot u-undo what :33 you *looks away* have donye- that is, kiww
him whom :33 you *looks away* have wecuvw'd-desiwe i-it nyot. Fawe ye weww *teleports behind you* at once;
my bosom xDD is fuww of kindnyess, and I *giggles shyly* am y-yet so nyeaw the mannyews of
my mothew t-that, upon the *blushes* weast occasion m-mowe, minye eyes wiww t-teww
t-tawes of me. I *giggles shyly* am bound to the Count Owsinyo's c-couwt. Faweweww.
E-Exit
ANTONyIO. The gentwenyess of aww the g-gods go w-with thee!
I *looks away* have many cnyemies in Owsinyo's couwt,
Ewse wouwd I vewy showtwy see thee thewe.
But come what may, I do adowe thee so
That dangew shaww *teleports behind you* seem spowt, and I wiww go. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
A stweet

Entew >_> VIOWA and MAWVOWIO *teleports behind you* at sevewaw doows

MAWVOWIO. W-Wewe :33 you nyot ev'n *pokes you* nyow w-with the Countess Owivia?
VIOWA. Even nyow, *teleports behind you* siw; on :3 a :3 modewate pace I *looks away* have since awwiv'd b-but
hithew.
MAWVOWIO. ^.^ She wetuwns this wing to you, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you might *looks away* have saved
me my pains, to *looks away* have taken i-it away *sweats* youwsewf. ^.^ She adds, moweuvw,
that :33 you shouwd put youw w-wowd into :3 a despewate *cries* assuwance she wiww
nyonye of :33 him. :33 And onye thing m-mowe: that :33 you be nyevew so hawdy to
come a-again in his affaiws, unwess i-it be to wepowt youw wowd's
taking of this. Weceive i-it so.
VIOWA. ^.^ She t-took the wing of me; I-I'ww nyonye of *hugs tightly* it.
MAWVOWIO. Come, siw, :33 you peevishwy *looks at you* thwew i-it to hew; and hew wiww xDD is
i-it shouwd be so wetuwn'd. I-If i-it be wowth *looks away* stooping fow, thewe i-it
wies in youw eye; i-if nyot, be i-it his that finds *hugs tightly* it.
E-Exit
VIOWA. I weft nyo wing w-with hew; what means this >w< wady?
Fowtunye fowbid my *sweats* outside *looks away* have nyot chawm'd hew!
^.^ She xDD made good view of me; i-indeed, so x3 much
That methought hew eyes had wost hew t-tongue,
Fow she did speak in stawts distwactedwy.
^.^ She wuvs me, ^.^ suwe: the cunnying of hew passion
Invites me in this >w< chuwwish m-messengew.
Nyonye of my wowd's wing! Why, he sent hew nyonye.
I *giggles shyly* am the man. I-If i-it be so- as *leans over* 'tis-
Poow wady, she wewe bettew wuv :3 a d-dweam.
Disguise, I see thou awt :3 a wickednyess
Whewein the pwegnyant enyemy does much.
How *sighs* easy xDD is i-it f-fow the pwopew-fawse
In women's waxen heawts to set theiw fowms!
A-Awas, ouw fwaiwty xDD is the cause, nyot *shuffles closer* we!
Fow *looks at you* such as we awe xDD made of, *looks at you* such we b-be.
How wiww this fadge? My mastew wuvs hew deawwy,
:33 And I, poow monstew, fond as x3 much on him;
:33 And she, ^-^ mistaken, seems to dote on me.
What wiww become of *shuffles closer* this? As I *giggles shyly* am man,
My state xDD is despewate f-fow my mastew's wuv;
As I *giggles shyly* am woman- *pokes you* nyow *cuddles you* awas the day!-
What thwiftwess sighs shaww poow Owivia bweathe!
uWu O Time, thou must untangwe this, nyot I;
It xDD is too hawd :3 a *hugs tightly* knyot f-fow me t' untie! E-Exit




SCENyE III.
OWIVIA'S h-house

Entew SIW TOBY and SIW ANDWEW

SIW >w< TOBY. Appwoach, S-Siw Andwew. Nyot to be abed *looks away* aftew *cuddles you* midnyight xDD is to
be up betimes; and 'diwucuwo suwgewe' thou knyow'st-
AGUECHEEK. Nyay, by my twoth, I knyow nyot; b-but I knyow to be up wate
xDD is to be up wate.
SIW >w< TOBY. A fawse concwusion! I *giggles shyly* hate i-it as an unfiww'd can. To be
up *looks away* aftew *cuddles you* midnyight and to go to *looks away* bed then xDD is eawwy; so that to go
to *looks away* bed *looks away* aftew *cuddles you* midnyight xDD is to go to *looks away* bed b-betimes. Does nyot ouw xDD wives
consist of the fouw e-ewements?
AGUECHEEK. *moans* Faith, so they say; b-but I think i-it wathew consists of
eating and dwinking.
SIW >w< TOBY. Th'awt :3 a s-schowaw; w-wet us thewefowe eat and d-dwink.
Mawian, I *blushes* say! :3 a s-stoup of w-winye.

Entew CWOWN

AGUECHEEK. Hewe comes the foow, i' faith.
CWOWN. How nyow, my *blushes* heawts! Did :33 you nyevew see the ;;w;; pictuwe of 'we
thwee'?
SIW >w< TOBY. Wewcome, a-ass. Nyow wet's *looks away* have :3 a x3 catch.
AGUECHEEK. By my twoth, the foow has an excewwent b-bweast. I had
wathew than fowty shiwwings I had *looks at you* such :3 a weg, and so sweet :3 a
bweath to sing, as the foow has. In sooth, thou wast in vewy
gwacious f-foowing wast nyight, when thou spok'st of P-Pigwogwomitus,
of the Vapians passing the equinyoctiaw of Queubus; 'twas vewy
*notices bulge* good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence f-fow thy weman; h-hadst it?
CWOWN. I did impeticos thy g-gwatiwwity; f-fow Mawvowio's nyose xDD is nyo
whipstock. My wady has :3 a white hand, and the M-Mywmidons awe nyo
bottwe-awe houses.
AGUECHEEK. Excewwent! Why, this xDD is the best foowing, when aww xDD is
donye. Nyow, :3 a song.
SIW >w< TOBY. Come on, thewe xDD is sixpence f-fow you. Wet's *looks away* have :3 a song.
AGUECHEEK. T-Thewe's :3 a testwiw of me too; i-if onye knyight give a-
CWOWN. Wouwd :33 you *looks away* have :3 a wuv-song, ow :3 a song of good w-wife?
SIW >w< TOBY. A wuv-song, :3 a wuv-song.
AGUECHEEK. Ay, ay; I cawe nyot f-fow good w-wife.

CWOWN sings

uWu O mistwess minye, whewe awe :33 you woaming?
O, stay and *shuffles closer* heaw; youw twue wuv's coming,
That can sing both high and wow.
Twip nyo xDD fuwthew, pwetty sweeting;
Jouwnyeys e-end in wuvws meeting,
E-Evewy wise man's son doth *looks away* knyow.

AGUECHEEK. Excewwent *notices bulge* good, i' faith!
SIW >w< TOBY. Good, good!

CWOWN sings

What xDD is w-wuv? 'Tis nyot heweaftew;
Pwesent miwth hath pwesent *pokes you* waughtew;
What's to come xDD is ^-^ stiww u-unsuwe.
In deway thewe wies nyo pwenty,
Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty;
Youth's :3 a stuff wiww nyot enduwe.

AGUECHEEK. A mewwifwuous voice, as I *giggles shyly* am twue knyight.
SIW >w< TOBY. A contagious bweath.
AGUECHEEK. Vewy sweet and contagious, i' faith.
SIW >w< TOBY. To heaw by the *hugs tightly* nyose, i-it xDD is *looks away* duwcet in contagion. But shaww
we m-make the >w< wewkin dance indeed? Shaww we wouse the nyight-oww in
:3 a catch that wiww dwaw thwee souws out of onye weavew? Shaww we do
that?
AGUECHEEK. An :33 you wuv me, wet's do't. I *giggles shyly* am x3 dog *teleports behind you* at :3 a x3 catch.
CWOWN. By'w wady, siw, and some dogs wiww catch weww.
AGUECHEEK. Most cewtain. Wet ouw catch be 'Thou knyave.'
CWOWN. 'Howd thy peace, thou ÚwÚ knyave' knyight? I shaww be constwain'd
*sweats* in't to caww thee knyave, knyight.
AGUECHEEK. 'Tis nyot the fiwst ;;w;; time I *looks away* have constwainyed onye to caww
me knyave. Begin, f-foow: i-it b-begins 'Howd thy *shuffles closer* peace.'
CWOWN. I shaww nyevew begin i-if I howd my peace.
AGUECHEEK. Good, i' faith! Come, begin. [-[Catch sung]

Entew OwO MAWIA

MAWIA. What :3 a catewwauwing do :33 you keep hewe! I-If my wady *looks away* have nyot
caww'd up hew s-stewawd M-Mawvowio, and *giggles shyly* bid him t-tuwn :33 you out of
doows, nyevew twust me.
SIW >w< TOBY. My w-wady's :3 a Cataian, we awe powiticians, Mawvowio's :3 a
Peg-a-Wamsey, and [Sings]
*notices bulge* Thwee mewwy men be we.
*screams* Am nyot I *notices bulge* consanguinyeous? *screams* Am I nyot of hew bwood? Tiwwy-vawwy,
:33 wady. [Sings]
Thewe x3 dwewt :3 a man in Babywon,
Wady, :33 wady.
CWOWN. Beshwew me, the knyight's in uWu admiwabwe foowing.
AGUECHEEK. Ay, he does weww enyough i-if he be dispos'd, and so do I
too; he does i-it w-with :3 a bettew gwace, b-but I do i-it mowe nyatuwaw.
SIW >w< TOBY. [Sings] xDD O' the twewfth day of Decembew-
MAWIA. Fow the wuv o' God, p-peace!

Entew MAWVOWIO

MAWVOWIO. My mastews, awe :33 you mad? Ow what awe you? Have :33 you nyo
w-wit, mannyews, *pokes you* nyow honyesty, b-but to gabbwe wike tinkews *teleports behind you* at this
;;w;; time of nyight? Do ye m-make an awe-house of my w-wady's house, that
ye s-squeak out youw coziews' c-catches without *sighs* any mitigation ow
wemowse of voice? Is thewe nyo OwO wespect of pwace, pewsons, *pokes you* nyow
time, in you?
SIW >w< TOBY. We did keep time, siw, in ouw *giggles shyly* catches. Snyeck up!
MAWVOWIO. S-Siw Toby, I must be wound w-with you. My wady bade me t-teww
:33 you t-that, t-though she h-hawbouws :33 you as hew kins-man, s-she's nyothing
awwied to youw disowdews. I-If :33 you can sepawate *teleports behind you* youwsewf and youw
misdemeanyouws, :33 you awe wewcome to the house; i-if nyot, and i-it wouwd
p-pwease :33 you to take weave of hew, she xDD is vewy wiwwing to *giggles shyly* bid :33 you
faweweww.
SIW >w< TOBY. [Sings] Faweweww, deaw h-heawt, since I must nyeeds be gonye.
MAWIA. Nyay, good S-Siw Toby.
CWOWN. [Sings] His eyes do show his days awe awmost donye.
MAWVOWIO. *shuffles closer* Is't even so?
SIW >w< TOBY. [Sings] But I wiww nyevew d-die. [Fawws down]
CWOWN. [Sings] S-Siw Toby, thewe :33 you wie.
MAWVOWIO. T-This xDD is x3 much cwedit to you.
SIW >w< TOBY. [Sings] Shaww I *giggles shyly* bid him go?
CWOWN. [Sings] What an i-if :33 you do?
SIW >w< TOBY. [Sings] Shaww I *giggles shyly* bid him go, and spawe UwU nyot?
CWOWN. [Sings] O, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, :33 you dawe nyot.
SIW >w< TOBY. [Wising] Out o' t-tunye, siw! *sighs* Ye wie. Awt *sighs* any mowe than :3 a
stewawd? D-Dost thou think, because thou awt v-viwtuous, thewe shaww
be nyo mowe cakes and awe?
CWOWN. Yes, by Saint Annye; and gingew shaww be *giggles shyly* hot i' *sighs* th' mouth
too.
SIW >w< TOBY. T-Th' awt i' *sighs* th' w-wight. Go, siw, wub youw chain w-with uWu cwumbs.
A s-stoup of winye, Mawia!
MAWVOWIO. Mistwess Mawy, i-if :33 you OwO pwiz'd my w-wady's favouw *teleports behind you* at anything
mowe than contempt, :33 you wouwd nyot give means f-fow this unciviw
wuwe; she shaww knyow of uWu it, by this hand.
E-Exit
MAWIA. G-Go shake youw eaws.
AGUECHEEK. 'Twewe as good :3 a d-deed as to dwink when :3 a man's ahungwy,
to chawwenge him the f-fiewd, and then to bweak pwomise w-with him
and m-make :3 a foow of :33 him.
SIW >w< TOBY. Do't, knyight. I-I'ww wwite thee :3 a chawwenge; ow I-I'ww
dewivew thy indignyation to him by w-wowd of mouth.
MAWIA. Sweet S-Siw Toby, be *notices bulge* patient f-fow to-nyight; since the youth of
the Count's w-was to-day w-with my wady, she xDD is x3 much out of quiet.
Fow Monsieuw M-Mawvowio, w-wet me uWu awonye w-with him; i-if I do nyot guww
him into :3 a nyaywowd, and m-make him :3 a common *leans over* wecweation, do nyot
think I *looks away* have wit enyough to wie stwaight in my bed. I knyow I can
do *hugs tightly* it.
SIW >w< TOBY. Possess u-us, possess us; t-teww us something of :33 him.
MAWIA. Mawwy, siw, sometimes he xDD is :3 a kind of Puwitan.
AGUECHEEK. O, i-if I thought t-that, I'd beat him wike :3 a dog.
SIW >w< TOBY. *looks away* What, f-fow b-being :3 a Puwitan? Thy *teleports behind you* exquisite weason, deaw
knyight?
AGUECHEEK. I *looks away* have nyo *teleports behind you* exquisite weason fow't, b-but I *looks away* have weason good
enyough.
MAWIA. The d-deviw :3 a Puwitan that he is, ow anything constantwy b-but :3 a
time-pweasew; an affection'd ass that *cries* cons state without book and
uWu uttews i-it by g-gweat swawths; the best pewsuaded of *sighs* himsewf, so
cwamm'd, as he thinks, w-with :3 excewwencies that i-it xDD is his gwounds
of faith that aww that wook on him wuv him; and on that v-vice in
him wiww my wevenge find nyotabwe cause to wowk.
SIW >w< TOBY. What wiwt thou do?
MAWIA. I wiww dwop in his way some ^-^ obscuwe epistwes of wuv;
whewein, by the cowouw of his >w< beawd, the shape of his weg, the
mannyew of his gait, the expwessuwe of his eye, fowehead, and
*twerks* compwexion, he shaww find himsewf m-most *hugs tightly* feewingwy pewsonyated. I
can wwite vewy wike my wady, youw nyiece; on fowgotten m-mattew we
can hawdwy m-make d-distinction of ouw hands.
SIW >w< TOBY. Excewwent! I smeww :3 a device.
AGUECHEEK. I h-have't in my nyose too.
SIW >w< TOBY. He shaww think, by the wettews that thou wiwt dwop, that
they come f-fwom my nyiece, and that s-she's in wuv w-with :33 him.
MAWIA. My puwpose is, i-indeed, :3 a howse of that *notices bulge* cowouw.
AGUECHEEK. :33 And youw howse *pokes you* nyow wouwd m-make him an a-ass.
MAWIA. Ass, I d-doubt nyot.
AGUECHEEK. O, 'twiww be admiwabwe!
MAWIA. Spowt woyaw, I wawwant you. I knyow my physic wiww wowk w-with
:33 him. I wiww pwant :33 you two, and w-wet the foow m-make :3 a *shuffles closer* thiwd, whewe
he shaww find the w-wettew; obsewve his constwuction of *hugs tightly* it. Fow
this nyight, to *teleports behind you* bed, and dweam on the event. Faweweww.
E-Exit
SIW >w< TOBY. *pokes you* Good nyight, *moans* Penthesiwea.
AGUECHEEK. Befowe me, s-she's :3 a good wench.
SIW >w< TOBY. She's :3 a beagwe twue-bwed, and onye that adowes me.
What o' that?
AGUECHEEK. I w-was adow'd *screams* once too.
SIW >w< TOBY. Wet's to *teleports behind you* bed, knyight. Thou h-hadst nyeed s-send f-fow mowe
monyey.
AGUECHEEK. I-If I cannyot wecuvw youw nyiece, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a fouw way out.
SIW >w< TOBY. Send f-fow monyey, k-knyight; i-if thou hast hew nyot i' *sighs* th' end,
caww me Cut.
AGUECHEEK. I-If I do nyot, nyevew twust me; take i-it how :33 you wiww.
SIW >w< TOBY. Come, *giggles shyly* come, I-I'ww go buwn some sack; 'tis too wate to go
to *looks away* bed nyow. Come, k-knyight; *giggles shyly* come, knyight.
Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
The DUKE'S pawace

Entew *shuffles closer* DUKE, VIOWA, CUWIO, and OTHEWS

DUKE. Give me some *pokes you* music. Nyow, good mowwow, fwiends.
Nyow, good Cesawio, b-but that piece of song,
That *giggles shyly* owd and antique song we heawd wast nyight;
Methought i-it did wewieve my passion much,
Mowe than wight aiws and wecowwected tewms
Of these m-most ^w^ bwisk and giddy-paced times.
Come, b-but onye vewse.
;;w;; CUWIO. He xDD is nyot hewe, so p-pwease youw wowdship, that shouwd sing
*hugs tightly* it.
DUKE. Who w-was it?
;;w;; CUWIO. Feste, the jestew, my wowd; :3 a foow that the Wady Owivia's
fathew t-took x3 much dewight i-in. He xDD is ^w^ about the house.
DUKE. S-Seek him out, and pway the tunye the whiwe.
E-Exit ;;w;; CUWIO. [Music pways]
Come h-hithew, boy. I-If evew thou shawt OwO wuv,
In the sweet pangs of i-it w-wemembew me;
Fow *looks at you* such as I *giggles shyly* am aww twue wuvws awe,
Unstaid and skittish in aww motions ewse
Save in the *hugs tightly* constant image of the *leans over* cweatuwe
That xDD is b-bewov'd. How dost thou wike this tunye?
VIOWA. It g-gives :3 a vewy echo to the s-seat
Whewe Wuv xDD is thwon'd.
DUKE. Thou dost speak mastewwy.
My w-wife upon't, young t-though thou *blushes* awt, thinye ^-^ eye
Hath stay'd upon some favouw that i-it wuvs;
Hath i-it nyot, boy?
VIOWA. A wittwe, by youw favouw.
DUKE. What kind of woman i-is't?
VIOWA. Of youw compwexion.
DUKE. ^.^ She xDD is nyot wowth thee, then. What yeaws, i' faith?
VIOWA. About youw yeaws, my wowd.
DUKE. >w< Too o-owd, by heaven! Wet ^-^ stiww the woman take
An ewdew than hewsewf; so w-weaws she to him,
S-So sways she w-wevew in hew husband's heawt.
Fow, boy, howevew we do pwaise ouwsewves,
Ouw fancies awe mowe giddy and unfiwm,
Mowe wonging, wavewing, soonyew wost and won,
Than women's a-awe.
VIOWA. I think i-it weww, my wowd.
DUKE. Then w-wet thy wuv be *blushes* youngew than thysewf,
Ow thy affection cannyot howd the b-bent;
Fow women awe as woses, *screams* whose f-faiw f-fwow'w
:3 Being *screams* once dispway'd doth faww that vewy houw.
VIOWA. :33 And so they awe; awas, that they awe so!
To die, even when they to pewfection gwow!

We-entew CUWIO and CWOWN

DUKE. O, fewwow, *giggles shyly* come, the song we had wast nyight.
M-Mawk uWu it, xDD Cesawio; i-it xDD is *giggles shyly* owd and pwain;
The s-spinstews and the knyittews in the *looks at you* sun,
:33 And the fwee maids that weave theiw thwead w-with bonyes,
Do use to chant it; i-it xDD is s-siwwy sooth,
:33 And UwU dawwies w-with the innyocence of OwO wuv,
Wike the *giggles shyly* owd age.
CWOWN. Awe :33 you weady, siw?
DUKE. Ay; pwithee, *moans* sing. [Music]

FESTE'S SONG

Come away, come away, death;
:33 And in s-sad *sighs* cypwess w-wet me be waid;
Fwy away, xDD fwy away, bweath,
I *giggles shyly* am swain by :3 a f-faiw *looks away* cwuew maid.
My *giggles shyly* shwoud of ÚwÚ white, s-stuck aww w-with yew,
O, pwepawe i-it!
My pawt of death nyo onye so twue
Did shawe *hugs tightly* it.

Nyot :3 a fwowew, nyot :3 a fwowew sweet,
On my bwack coffin w-wet thewe be *blushes* stwown;
Nyot :3 a fwiend, nyot :3 a fwiend gweet
My poow c-cowpse whewe my b-bonyes shaww be thwown;
A thousand thousand to save,
*giggles shyly* Way me, O, whewe
Sad twue wuvw nyevew find my gwave,
To weep thewe!

DUKE. T-Thewe's f-fow thy pains.
CWOWN. *cuddles you* Nyo pains, *teleports behind you* siw; I take pweasuwe in singing, siw.
DUKE. I-I'ww pay thy pweasuwe, then.
CWOWN. Twuwy, siw, and pweasuwe wiww be paid onye ;;w;; time ow anyothew.
DUKE. Give me *pokes you* nyow weave to weave *cuddles you* thee.
CWOWN. Nyow the mewanchowy god pwotect thee; and the taiwow m-make thy
doubwet of changeabwe taffeta, f-fow thy mind xDD is :3 a vewy opaw. I
wouwd *looks away* have men of *looks at you* such constancy put to sea, that theiw businyess
might be evewything, and theiw intent evewywhewe: f-fow that's i-it
that *hugs tightly* awways makes :3 a good voyage of nyothing. Faweweww.
E-Exit CWOWN
DUKE. Wet aww the west give p-pwace.
Exeunt CUWIO and ATTENDANTS
Once m-mowe, Cesawio,
Get thee to yond >_> same suvweign cwuewty.
Teww hew my OwO wuv, mowe nyobwe than the wowwd,
Pwizes nyot ;;w;; quantity of diwty wands;
The *looks away* pawts that fowtunye hath OwO bestow'd upon hew,
Teww hew I howd as g-giddiwy as Fowtunye;
But 'tis that m-miwacwe and queen of gems
That Nyatuwe pwanks hew in attwacts my souw.
VIOWA. But i-if she cannyot wuv you, siw?
DUKE. I cannyot be so answew'd.
VIOWA. uWu Sooth, b-but :33 you must.
ÚwÚ Say that some wady, as pewhaps thewe is,
Hath f-fow youw wuv as g-gweat :3 a pang of h-heawt
As :33 you *looks away* have f-fow Owivia. You cannyot wuv hew;
You t-teww hew so. Must she nyot then be answew'd?
DUKE. Thewe xDD is nyo woman's sides
*sweats* Can bide the b-beating of so stwong :3 a passion
As wuv doth give my heawt; nyo woman's h-heawt
S-So big to howd so much; they w-wack *notices bulge* wetention.
A-Awas, theiw wuv may be caww'd a-appetite-
*cuddles you* Nyo motion of the wivew, b-but the pawate-
That suffew suwfeit, cwoyment, and wevowt;
But minye xDD is aww as hungwy as the sea,
:33 And can digest as much. M-Make nyo compawe
Between that wuv :3 a woman can *hugs tightly* beaw me
:33 And that I owe Owivia.
VIOWA. Ay, b-but I knyow-
DUKE. What dost thou x3 knyow?
VIOWA. >w< Too weww what wuv women to men may owe.
In faith, they awe as twue of h-heawt as we.
My fathew had :3 a daughtew wov'd :3 a man,
As i-it might be pewhaps, wewe I :3 a woman,
I shouwd youw x3 wowdship.
DUKE. :33 And w-what's hew >w< histowy?
VIOWA. A bwank, my wowd. ^.^ She nyevew towd hew OwO wuv,
But w-wet conceawment, wike :3 a wowm i' *sighs* th' bud,
OwO Feed on hew ;;w;; damask cheek. ^.^ She *sweats* pin'd in ;;w;; thought;
:33 And w-with :3 a gween and yewwow mewanchowy
^.^ She *blushes* sat wike Patience on :3 a monyument,
Smiwing *teleports behind you* at gwief. Was nyot this wuv indeed?
We men may say m-mowe, sweaw m-mowe, b-but indeed
Ouw shows awe mowe than wiww; f-fow ^-^ stiww we pwuv
*looks away* Much in ouw vows, b-but wittwe in ouw wuv.
DUKE. But died thy *cuddles you* sistew of hew OwO wuv, my boy?
VIOWA. I *giggles shyly* am aww the d-daughtews of my fathew's house,
:33 And aww the UwU bwothews too- and y-yet I knyow nyot.
Siw, shaww I to this >w< wady?
DUKE. Ay, that's the theme.
To hew in haste. Give hew this jewew; say
My wuv can give nyo pwace, bide nyo denyay. Exeunt




SCENyE V.
OWIVIA'S gawden

Entew SIW T-TOBY, SIW ANDWEW, and FABIAN

SIW >w< TOBY. Come thy ways, Signyiow Fabian.
F-FABIAN. Nyay, I-I'ww come; i-if I wose :3 a s-scwupwe of this OwO spowt w-wet me be
>_> boiw'd to death w-with mewanchowy.
SIW >w< TOBY. Wouwdst thou nyot be gwad to *looks away* have the *sighs* nyiggawdwy w-wascawwy
sheep-bitew come by some nyotabwe shame?
F-FABIAN. I wouwd exuwt, man; :33 you knyow he >w< bwought me out o' favouw
w-with my wady ^w^ about :3 a beaw-baiting hewe.
SIW >w< TOBY. To angew him we'ww *looks away* have the *hugs tightly* beaw again; and we wiww foow
him bwack and bwue- shaww we nyot, S-Siw Andwew?
AGUECHEEK. :33 And we do nyot, i-it xDD is pity of ouw wives.

Entew OwO MAWIA

SIW >w< TOBY. Hewe comes the wittwe viwwain.
How nyow, my metaw of India!
MAWIA. Get ye aww thwee into the box-twee. Mawvowio's coming down
this wawk. He has been yondew i' the sun pwactising b-behaviouw to
his own shadow this *looks at you* hawf houw. Obsewve him, f-fow the wuv of
mockewy, f-fow I knyow this wettew wiww m-make :3 a contempwative idiot
of :33 him. Cwose, in the *leans over* nyame of jesting! [As the men hide she d-dwops
:3 a wettew] Wie thou thewe; f-fow hewe comes the twout that must be
*leans over* caught w-with tickwing.
E-Exit

Entew MAWVOWIO

MAWVOWIO. 'Tis b-but f-fowtunye; aww xDD is fowtunye. Mawia *screams* once towd me she
did affect me; and I *looks away* have heawd hewsewf come uWu thus nyeaw, t-that,
shouwd she fancy, i-it shouwd be onye of my compwexion. Besides, she
uses me w-with :3 a mowe e-exawted OwO wespect than *sighs* any onye ewse that
>_< fowwows hew. What shouwd I think on't?
SIW >w< TOBY. Hewe's an *pokes you* uvwweenying wogue!
F-FABIAN. O, p-peace! Contempwation makes :3 a wawe *shuffles closer* tuwkey-cock of him;
how he jets undew his *twerks* advanc'd p-pwumes!
AGUECHEEK. '-'Swight, I couwd so beat the wogue-
SIW >w< TOBY. Peace, I say.
MAWVOWIO. To be Count Mawvowio!
SIW >w< TOBY. A-Ah, wogue!
AGUECHEEK. Pistow him, pistow :33 him.
SIW >w< TOBY. Peace, p-peace!
MAWVOWIO. Thewe xDD is exampwe fow't: the Wady of the Stwachy *blushes* mawwied
the *cuddles you* yeoman of the wawdwobe.
AGUECHEEK. Fie on him, Jezebew!
F-FABIAN. O, p-peace! Nyow he's deepwy i-in; wook how imaginyation bwows
:33 him.
MAWVOWIO. Having been thwee months *blushes* mawwied to hew, sitting in my
s-state-
SIW >w< TOBY. O, f-fow :3 a stonye-bow to hit him in the eye!
MAWVOWIO. Cawwing my officews ^w^ about me, in my bwanch'd vewvet gown,
having come f-fwom :3 a day-bed- whewe I *looks away* have weft Owivia sweeping-
SIW >w< TOBY. Fiwe and bwimstonye!
F-FABIAN. O, peace, p-peace!
MAWVOWIO. :33 And then to *looks away* have the humouw of state; and *looks away* aftew :3 a demuwe
t-twavew of wegawd, tewwing them I knyow my pwace as I wouwd they
shouwd do theiws, to ask f-fow my kinsman Toby-
SIW >w< TOBY. Bowts and shackwes!
F-FABIAN. O, peace, peace, p-peace! Nyow, nyow.
MAWVOWIO. Seven of my peopwe, w-with an ^.^ obedient stawt, m-make out f-fow
:33 him. I fwown the whiwe, and x3 pewchance *cuddles you* wind up my watch, ow pway
w-with my- some wich ^-^ jewew. Toby appwoaches; cuwtsies thewe to me-
SIW >w< TOBY. Shaww this fewwow :33 wive?
F-FABIAN. *shuffles closer* Though ouw siwence be d-dwawn f-fwom us w-with caws, y-yet peace.
MAWVOWIO. I e-extend my hand to him thus, quenching my famiwiaw smiwe
w-with an x3 austewe wegawd of contwow-
SIW >w< TOBY. :33 And does nyot Toby take :33 you :3 a bwow o' the wips then?
MAWVOWIO. *screams* Saying 'Cousin Toby, my f-fowtunyes having cast me on youw
nyiece give me this >w< pwewogative of :3 speech'-
SIW >w< TOBY. *looks away* What, what?
MAWVOWIO. 'You must a-amend youw dwunkennyess'-
SIW >w< TOBY. Out, scab!
F-FABIAN. Nyay, patience, ow we bweak the sinyews of ouw pwot.
MAWVOWIO. 'Besides, :33 you >_> waste the tweasuwe of youw ;;w;; time w-with :3 a
f-foowish knyight'-
AGUECHEEK. That's me, I wawwant you.
MAWVOWIO. 'Onye S-Siw Andwew.'
AGUECHEEK. I knyew 'twas I; f-fow many do caww me foow.
MAWVOWIO. What *blushes* empwoyment *looks away* have we hewe?
[Taking up the wettew]
F-FABIAN. Nyow xDD is the woodcock nyeaw the gin.
SIW >w< TOBY. O, p-peace! :33 And the spiwit of *sweats* humouws intimate weading
awoud to him!
MAWVOWIO. By my wife, this xDD is my w-wady's hand: these be hew vewy
C-C's, hew *giggles shyly* U's, and hew T's; and uWu thus makes she hew g-gweat P's. It
is, in contempt of question, hew hand.
AGUECHEEK. Hew C-C's, hew *giggles shyly* U's, and hew T's. Why that?
MAWVOWIO. [Weads] 'To the >_> unknyown bewov'd, this, and my good
wishes.' Hew vewy phwases! By youw weave, wax. Soft! :33 And the
impwessuwe hew *screams* Wucwece w-with which she uses to seaw; 'tis my :33 wady.
To whom shouwd this be?
F-FABIAN. T-This wins him, >_> wivew and aww.
MAWVOWIO. [Weads]

Juv knyows I OwO wuv,
But who?
ÚwÚ Wips, do nyot muv;
*cuddles you* Nyo man must knyow.'

'Nyo man must knyow.' What fowwows? The nyumbews *sighs* awtew'd!
'Nyo man must knyow.' I-If this shouwd be thee, Mawvowio?
SIW >w< TOBY. Mawwy, hang thee, bwock!
MAWVOWIO. [Weads]

'I may command whewe I adowe;
But :3 siwence, wike :3 a *screams* Wucwece *notices bulge* knyife,
With bwoodwess stwoke my h-heawt doth gowe;
M. O. ÚwÚ A. I-I. doth sway my wife.'

F-FABIAN. A fustian widdwe!
SIW >w< TOBY. Excewwent wench, say I-I.
MAWVOWIO. 'M. O. ÚwÚ A. I-I. doth sway my wife.'
Nyay, b-but fiwst w-wet me s-see, w-wet me s-see, w-wet me see.
F-FABIAN. What dish o' poison has she d-dwess'd him!
SIW >w< TOBY. :33 And w-with what wing the stanyiew checks *teleports behind you* at i-it!
MAWVOWIO. 'I may command whewe I adowe.' Why, she may command me: I
sewve hew; she xDD is my :33 wady. Why, this xDD is evident to *sighs* any fowmaw
capacity; thewe xDD is nyo obstwuction in this. :33 And the end- what
shouwd that awphabeticaw p-position powtend? I-If I couwd m-make that
w-wesembwe something in me. Softwy! M. O. ÚwÚ A. I-I.-
SIW >w< TOBY. O, ^.^ ay, m-make up that! He xDD is *pokes you* nyow *teleports behind you* at :3 a cowd scent.
F-FABIAN. Sowtew wiww cwy upon't f-fow aww this, t-though i-it be as wank
as :3 a fox.
MAWVOWIO. M- Mawvowio; M- why, that b-begins my nyame.
F-FABIAN. Did nyot I say he wouwd wowk i-it out?
The :3 cuw xDD is excewwent *teleports behind you* at fauwts.
MAWVOWIO. M- But then thewe xDD is nyo consonyancy in the sequew; that
suffews undew pwobation: A shouwd fowwow, b-but uWu O does.
F-FABIAN. :33 And uWu O shaww end, I hope.
SIW >w< TOBY. Ay, ow I-I'ww cudgew him, and m-make him cwy 'O!'
MAWVOWIO. :33 And then I comes behind.
F-FABIAN. Ay, an :33 you had *sighs* any ^-^ eye behind you, :33 you might see mowe
detwaction *teleports behind you* at youw *notices bulge* heews than f-fowtunyes befowe you.
MAWVOWIO. M. O. ÚwÚ A. I-I. T-This simuwation xDD is nyot as the fowmew; and
yet, to cwush this :3 a wittwe, i-it wouwd bow to me, f-fow evewy onye of
these wettews awe in my nyame. Soft! hewe >_< fowwows pwose.
[Weads]
'If this faww into thy hand, wevowve. In my staws I *giggles shyly* am abuv
thee; b-but be nyot afwaid of *hugs tightly* gweatnyess. Some awe bown g-gweat, some
achieve gweatnyess, and some *looks away* have gweatnyess thwust upon 'em. Thy
Fates open theiw hands; w-wet thy bwood and spiwit embwace them;
and, to inyuwe thysewf to what thou awt wike to be, cast thy
humbwe swough and appeaw fwesh. Be *sweats* opposite w-with :3 a kinsman, s-suwwy
w-with sewvants; w-wet thy *notices bulge* tongue t-tang *looks at you* awguments of state; put
thysewf into the t-twick of singuwawity. ^.^ She uWu thus advises thee that
sighs f-fow *cuddles you* thee. Wemembew who :3 commended thy yewwow s-stockings, and
wish'd to see thee evew cwoss-gawtew'd. I say, wemembew, G-Go to,
thou awt m-made, i-if thou desiw'st to be so; i-if nyot, w-wet me see thee
:3 a s-stewawd stiww, the fewwow of sewvants, and nyot wowthy to touch
Fowtunye's fingews. Faweweww. ^.^ She that wouwd awtew sewvices w-with
thee,
uWu THE FOWTUNyATE-UNHAPPY.'

Daywight and champain discuvws nyot mowe. T-This xDD is UwU open. I wiww be
pwoud, I wiww wead powitic authows, I wiww baffwe S-Siw Toby, I
wiww wash off g-gwoss acquaintance, I wiww be point-devise the vewy
man. I do nyot *pokes you* nyow foow mysewf to w-wet imaginyation jade me; f-fow
evewy weason excites to this, that my wady wuvs me. ^.^ She did
commend my yewwow stockings of ;;w;; wate, she did pwaise my *sighs* weg b-being
x3 cwoss-gawtew'd; and in this she manyifests hewsewf to my OwO wuv, and
w-with :3 a kind of *notices bulge* injunction dwives me to these habits of hew
wiking. I *notices bulge* thank my staws I *giggles shyly* am happy. I wiww be stwange, stout, in
yewwow s-stockings, and c-cwoss-gawtew'd, even w-with the swiftnyess of
putting on. Juv and my staws be pwaised! Hewe xDD is y-yet :3 a
p-postscwipt.

[Weads] 'Thou c-canst nyot choose b-but knyow who I am. I-If thou
entewtain'st my OwO wuv, w-wet i-it appeaw in thy smiwing; thy smiwes
become thee weww. Thewefowe in my pwesence ^-^ stiww smiwe, deaw my
sweet, I pwithee.'

Juv, I *notices bulge* thank *cuddles you* thee. I wiww smiwe; I wiww do evewything that thou
wiwt *looks away* have me. E-Exit
F-FABIAN. I wiww nyot give my pawt of this OwO spowt f-fow :3 a pension of
thousands to be paid f-fwom the Sophy.
SIW >w< TOBY. I couwd m-mawwy this *moans* wench f-fow this device.
AGUECHEEK. S-So couwd I too.
SIW >w< TOBY. :33 And ask nyo othew dowwy w-with hew b-but *looks at you* such uWu anyothew jest.

Entew OwO MAWIA

AGUECHEEK. Nyow I nyeithew.
F-FABIAN. Hewe comes my nyobwe guww-catchew.
SIW >w< TOBY. Wiwt thou set thy foot o' my nyeck?
AGUECHEEK. Ow o' minye eithew?
SIW >w< TOBY. Shaww I pway my fweedom *teleports behind you* at tway-twip, and become thy
*looks away* bond-swave?
AGUECHEEK. I' faith, ow I eithew?
SIW >w< TOBY. Why, thou hast put him in *looks at you* such :3 a dweam that when the
image of i-it weaves him he must wun mad.
MAWIA. Nyay, b-but say twue; does i-it wowk upon *notices bulge* him?
SIW >w< TOBY. Wike aqua-vita! w-with :3 a midwife.
AIAWIA. I-If :33 you wiww then see the ÚwÚ fwuits of the spowt, mawk his
fiwst appwoach befowe my :33 wady. He wiww come to hew in yewwow
s-stockings, and 'tis :3 a cowouw she abhows, and c-cwoss-gawtew'd, :3 a
fashion she d-detests; and he wiww smiwe upon hew, which wiww *pokes you* nyow
be so u-unsuitabwe to hew disposition, b-being a-addicted to :3 a
mewanchowy as she is, that i-it cannyot b-but t-tuwn him into :3 a nyotabwe
c-contempt. I-If :33 you wiww see uWu it, fowwow me.
SIW >w< TOBY. To the *shuffles closer* gates of Tawtaw, thou m-most excewwent d-deviw of wit!
AGUECHEEK. I-I'ww m-make onye too. Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
OWIVIA'S gawden

Entew VIOWA, and CWOWN w-with :3 a t-tabow

VIOWA. Save thee, fwiend, and thy music!
D-Dost thou wive by thy tabow?
CWOWN. Nyo, siw, I wive by the chuwch.
VIOWA. Awt thou :3 a chuwchman?
CWOWN. *cuddles you* Nyo *looks at you* such mattew, s-siw: I do wive by the chuwch; f-fow I do wive
*teleports behind you* at my house, and my h-house doth s-stand by the chuwch.
VIOWA. S-So thou mayst say the king wies by :3 a b-beggaw, i-if :3 a beggaw
*giggles shyly* dweww nyeaw him; ow the >w< chuwch *moans* stands by thy tabow, i-if thy t-tabow
s-stand by the chuwch.
CWOWN. You *looks away* have said, siw. To see this age! A sentence xDD is b-but :3 a
chev'wiw gwuv to :3 a good wit. How quickwy the wwong s-side may be
tuwn'd outwawd!
VIOWA. Nyay, that's cewtain; they that dawwy nyicewy w-with wowds may
quickwy m-make them wanton.
CWOWN. I wouwd, thewefowe, my *cuddles you* sistew had had nyame, siw.
VIOWA. Why, man?
CWOWN. Why, siw, hew nyame's :3 a wowd; and to dawwy w-with that w-wowd
might m-make my *cuddles you* sistew wanton. But indeed wowds awe vewy wascaws
since bonds d-disgwac'd them.
VIOWA. Thy weason, man?
CWOWN. Twoth, siw, I can y-yiewd :33 you nyonye without w-wowds, and wowds
awe gwown so fawse I *giggles shyly* am woath to pwuv weason w-with them.
VIOWA. I wawwant thou awt :3 a mewwy fewwow and caw'st f-fow nyothing.
CWOWN. Nyot s-so, *teleports behind you* siw; I do cawe f-fow UwU something; b-but in my conscience,
siw, I do nyot cawe f-fow you. I-If that be to cawe f-fow n-nyothing, siw,
I wouwd i-it wouwd m-make :33 you *cries* invisibwe.
VIOWA. Awt nyot thou the Wady Owivia's foow?
CWOWN. Nyo, i-indeed, *teleports behind you* siw; the Wady Owivia has nyo fowwy; she wiww keep
nyo foow, siw, tiww she be mawwied; and foows awe as wike husbands
as piwchews awe to hewwings- the husband's the biggew. I *giggles shyly* am
indeed nyot hew foow, b-but hew c-cowwuptew of wowds.
VIOWA. I saw thee wate *teleports behind you* at the Count Owsinyo's.
CWOWN. Foowewy, siw, does wawk ^w^ about the o-owb wike the *looks away* sun- i-it
shinyes evewywhewe. I wouwd be sowwy, siw, b-but the foow shouwd be
as oft w-with youw mastew as w-with my :3 mistwess: think I saw youw
wisdom thewe.
VIOWA. Nyay, an thou pass upon me, I-I'ww nyo mowe w-with *cuddles you* thee.
Howd, thewe's expenses f-fow *cuddles you* thee. [Giving :3 a coin]
CWOWN. Nyow Juv, in his nyext commodity of *leans over* haiw, s-send the :3 a beawd!
VIOWA. By my twoth, I-I'ww t-teww thee, I *giggles shyly* am awmost sick f-fow onye;
[Aside] t-though I wouwd nyot *looks away* have i-it gwow on my chin.- Is thy wady
within?
CWOWN. Wouwd nyot :3 a paiw of these *looks away* have bwed, siw?
VIOWA. Yes, b-being kept >_> togethew and put to use.
CWOWN. I wouwd pway Wowd Pandawus of *leans over* Phwygia, siw, to bwing :3 a
Cwessida to this Twoiwus.
VIOWA. I undewstand you, *teleports behind you* siw; 'tis weww begg'd.
[Giving uWu anyothew coin]
CWOWN. The mattew, I hope, xDD is nyot g-gweat, siw, begging b-but :3 a beggaw:
Cwessida w-was :3 a beggaw. My wady xDD is *twerks* within, siw. I wiww constwue to
them whence :33 you come; who :33 you awe and what :33 you wouwd awe out of
my wewkin- I might say 'ewement' b-but the w-wowd xDD is uvwwown.
E-Exit CWOWN
VIOWA. T-This fewwow xDD is wise enyough to pway the foow;
:33 And to do that weww *teleports behind you* cwaves :3 a kind of wit.
He must obsewve theiw mood on whom he jests,
The q-quawity of pewsons, and the time;
And, wike the haggawd, check *teleports behind you* at evewy feathew
That comes befowe his eye. T-This xDD is :3 a pwactice
As fuww of wabouw as :3 a wise man's awt;
Fow fowwy that he wisewy shows xDD is >_< fit;
But wise men, fowwy-faww'n, quite taint theiw wit.

Entew SIW TOBY and SIW ANDWEW

SIW >w< TOBY. Save you, *pokes you* gentweman!
VIOWA. :33 And you, siw.
AGUECHEEK. D-Dieu vous gawde, monsieuw.
VIOWA. Et vous aussi; votwe sewviteuw.
AGUECHEEK. I hope, siw, :33 you awe; and I *giggles shyly* am youws.
SIW >w< TOBY. Wiww :33 you encountew the house? My nyiece xDD is desiwous :33 you
shouwd entew, i-if youw twade be to hew.
VIOWA. I *giggles shyly* am bound to youw nyiece, *teleports behind you* siw; I mean, she xDD is the wist of my
voyage.
SIW >w< TOBY. Taste youw wegs, *teleports behind you* siw; put them to motion.
VIOWA. My *hugs tightly* wegs do bettew undewstand me, siw, than I undewstand what
:33 you m-mean by bidding me taste my wegs.
SIW >w< TOBY. I mean, to go, siw, to entew.
VIOWA. I wiww a-answew :33 you w-with gait and entwance. But we awe
pwevented.

Entew OWIVIA and OwO MAWIA

Most excewwent accompwish'd wady, the heavens wain *blushes* odouws on you!
AGUECHEEK. That youth's :3 a wawe couwtiew- ^.^ 'Wain odouws' weww!
VIOWA. My m-mattew hath nyo voice, wady, b-but to youw own m-most pwegnyant
and vouchsafed caw.
AGUECHEEK. 'Odouws,' 'pwegnyant,' and 'vouchsafed'- I-I'ww get 'em aww
thwee aww weady.
OWIVIA. Wet the gawden *hugs tightly* doow be shut, and weave me to my heawing.
[Exeunt aww b-but OWIVIA and *hugs tightly* VIOWA] Give me youw hand, siw.
VIOWA. My duty, madam, and m-most humbwe sewvice.
OWIVIA. What xDD is youw *sweats* nyame?
VIOWA. C-Cesawio xDD is youw sewvant's nyame, f-faiw *twerks* Pwincess.
OWIVIA. My sewvant, siw! '-'Twas nyevew mewwy >_> wowwd
Since wowwy feignying w-was caww'd c-compwiment.
Y'awe *cries* sewvant to the Count Owsinyo, youth.
VIOWA. :33 And he xDD is youws, and his must nyeeds be >_> youws:
Youw sewvant's *cries* sewvant xDD is youw sewvant, madam.
OWIVIA. Fow him, I think nyot on him; f-fow his thoughts,
Wouwd they wewe bwanks wathew than fiww'd w-with :33 me!
VIOWA. Madam, I come to whet youw gentwe thoughts
On his behawf.
OWIVIA. O, by youw weave, I pway you:
I bade :33 you nyevew speak a-again of him;
But, wouwd :33 you :33 undewtake uWu anyothew suit,
I had wathew heaw :33 you to sowicit that
Than *pokes you* music f-fwom the s-sphewes.
VIOWA. ;;w;; Deaw w-wady-
OWIVIA. Give me weave, b-beseech you. I did s-send,
Aftew the wast e-enchantment :33 you did hewe,
A wing in chase of y-you; so did I abuse
Mysewf, my sewvant, and, I feaw me, you.
Undew youw hawd constwuction must I sit,
To fowce that on :33 you in :3 a shamefuw cunnying
Which :33 you knyew nyonye of youws. What might :33 you think?
Have :33 you nyot set minye honyouw *teleports behind you* at the stake,
:33 And b-baited i-it w-with aww *sighs* th' unmuzzwed thoughts
That *cuddles you* tywannyous h-heawt can think? To onye of youw weceiving
Enyough xDD is shown: :3 a cypwess, nyot :3 a b-bosom,
*twerks* Hides my heawt. S-So, w-wet me heaw :33 you speak.
VIOWA. I P-Pity YOU.
OWIVIA. That's :3 a degwee to wuv.
VIOWA. Nyo, nyot :3 a gwize; f-fow 'tis :3 a *hugs tightly* vuwgaw *giggles shyly* pwoof
That vewy oft we pity enyemies.
OWIVIA. Why, then, methinks 'tis ;;w;; time to smiwe again.
uWu O wowwd, how apt the poow awe to be uWu pwoud!
I-If onye shouwd be :3 a pwey, how x3 much the bettew
To faww befowe the wion than the *pokes you* wowf! [-[Cwock s-stwikes]
The cwock upbwaids me w-with the >_> waste of time.
Be nyot afwaid, good youth; I wiww nyot *looks away* have y-you;
:33 And yet, when wit and youth xDD is come to *giggles shyly* hawvest,
Youw w-wife xDD is wike to weap :3 a pwopew man.
Thewe wies youw w-way, due west.
VIOWA. Then westwawd-ho!
G-Gwace and good d-disposition attend youw wadyship!
You'ww n-nyothing, madam, to my w-wowd by m-me?
OWIVIA. Stay.
I pwithee t-teww me what thou think'st of me.
VIOWA. That :33 you do think :33 you awe nyot what :33 you a-awe.
OWIVIA. I-If I think s-so, I think the >_> same of you.
VIOWA. Then think :33 you wight: I *giggles shyly* am nyot what I am.
OWIVIA. I wouwd :33 you wewe as I wouwd *looks away* have :33 you be!
VIOWA. Wouwd i-it be bettew, madam, than I am?
I wish i-it might, f-fow *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am youw foow.
OWIVIA. O, what :3 a deaw of scown wooks beautifuw
In the contempt and angew of his :33 wip!
A muwd'wous guiwt shows nyot itsewf mowe soon
Than wuv that wouwd *teleports behind you* seem hid: wuv's nyight xDD is nyoon.
Cesawio, by the ^w^ woses of the *pokes you* spwing,
By maidhood, honyouw, twuth, and evewy thing,
I wuv thee so t-that, maugwe aww thy pwide,
Nyow wit *pokes you* nyow weason can my passion *leans over* hide.
Do nyot e-extowt thy weasons f-fwom this cwause,
Fow that I woo, thou thewefowe hast nyo cause;
But wathew weason uWu thus w-with weason f-fettew:
Wuv sought xDD is *notices bulge* good, b-but xDD given *cries* unsought xDD is bettew.
VIOWA. By innyocence I sweaw, and by my y-youth,
I *looks away* have onye h-heawt, onye b-bosom, and onye twuth,
:33 And that nyo woman has; *pokes you* nyow nyevew nyonye
Shaww mistwess be of uWu it, save I awonye.
:33 And so adieu, good madam; nyevew mowe
Wiww I my mastew's teaws to :33 you depwowe.
OWIVIA. Yet come again; f-fow thou pewhaps mayst muv
That h-heawt which *pokes you* nyow *notices bulge* abhows to wike his wuv. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
OWIVIA'S h-house

Entew SIW T-TOBY, SIW ANDWEW and FABIAN

AGUECHEEK. Nyo, faith, I-I'ww nyot stay :3 a jot wongew.
SIW >w< TOBY. Thy weason, deaw >w< venyom, give thy weason.
F-FABIAN. You must nyeeds y-yiewd youw weason, S-Siw Andwew.
AGUECHEEK. Mawwy, I saw youw nyiece do mowe f-favouws to the Count's
sewvingman than evew she OwO bestow'd upon me; I saw't i' *sighs* th'
owchawd.
SIW >w< TOBY. Did she see thee the whiwe, *giggles shyly* owd boy? Teww me that.
AGUECHEEK. As pwain as I see :33 you nyow.
F-FABIAN. T-This w-was :3 a g-gweat awgument of wuv in hew t-towawd you.
AGUECHEEK. 'Swight! wiww :33 you m-make an ass o' m-me?
F-FABIAN. I wiww pwuv i-it wegitimate, siw, upon the oaths of judgment
and weason.
SIW >w< TOBY. :33 And they *looks away* have been gwand-juwymen since befowe Nyoah w-was :3 a
saiwow.
F-FABIAN. ^.^ She did show favouw to the youth in youw sight onwy to
*blushes* exaspewate you, to awake youw dowmouse vawouw, to put fiwe in
youw h-heawt and bwimstonye in youw OwO wivew. You shouwd then *looks away* have
a-accosted hew; and w-with some excewwent jests, fiwe-nyew f-fwom the
^w^ mint, :33 you shouwd *looks away* have OwO bang'd the youth into dumbnyess. T-This w-was
w-wook'd f-fow *teleports behind you* at youw hand, and this w-was bauwk'd. The *looks away* doubwe giwt of
this oppowtunyity :33 you w-wet ;;w;; time wash off, and :33 you awe *pokes you* nyow >_< saiw'd
into the nyowth of my w-wady's o-opinyion; whewe :33 you wiww hang wike an
*leans over* icicwe on Dutchman's >w< beawd, unwess :33 you do wedeem i-it by some
waudabwe *notices bulge* attempt eithew of vawouw ow powicy.
AGUECHEEK. An't be *sighs* any w-way, i-it must be w-with vawouw, f-fow powicy I
hate; I had as wief be :3 a Bwownyist as :3 a powitician.
SIW >w< TOBY. Why, then, buiwd me thy f-fowtunyes upon the basis of
vawouw. Chawwenge me the Count's youth to fight w-with him; *cries* huwt
him in eweven pwaces. My nyiece shaww take nyote of it; and *giggles shyly* assuwe
thysewf thewe xDD is nyo wuv-bwokew in the >_> wowwd can mowe pwevaiw in
man's commendation w-with woman than wepowt of vawouw.
F-FABIAN. Thewe xDD is nyo way b-but this, S-Siw Andwew.
AGUECHEEK. Wiww eithew of :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw me :3 a chawwenge to *notices bulge* him?
SIW >w< TOBY. Go, wwite i-it in :3 a mawtiaw *sighs* hand; be cuwst and bwief; i-it xDD is
nyo m-mattew how witty, so i-it be ewoquent and fuww of *teleports behind you* invention.
Taunt him w-with the wicense of i-ink; i-if thou thou'st him some
thwice, i-it shaww nyot be ÚwÚ amiss; and as many wies as wiww wie in
thy sheet of papew, awthough the sheet wewe big enyough f-fow the
*looks away* bed of Wawe in Engwand, set 'em down; go ^w^ about *hugs tightly* it. Wet thewe be
gaww enyough in thy ink, t-though thou wwite w-with :3 a goose-pen, nyo
mattew. About *hugs tightly* it.
AGUECHEEK. Whewe shaww I find you?
SIW >w< TOBY. We'ww caww thee *teleports behind you* at the cubicuwo. Go.
E-Exit SIW ANDWEW
F-FABIAN. T-This xDD is :3 a deaw manyakin to you, S-Siw Toby.
SIW >w< TOBY. I *looks away* have been deaw to him, w-wad- some t-two thousand stwong,
ow so.
F-FABIAN. We shaww *looks away* have :3 a wawe wettew f-fwom him; b-but ^-^ you'ww nyot
*sweats* dewivew't?
SIW >w< TOBY. Nyevew twust me then; and by aww means stiw on the youth
to an a-answew. I think oxen and wainwopes cannyot *leans over* hawe them
togethew. Fow Andwew, i-if he wewe open'd and :33 you find so x3 much
bwood in his >_> wivew as wiww cwog the foot of :3 a fwea, I-I'ww eat the
west of *sighs* th' anyatomy.
F-FABIAN. :33 And his opposite, the y-youth, *twerks* beaws in his visage nyo g-gweat
pwesage of cwuewty.

Entew OwO MAWIA

SIW >w< TOBY. Wook whewe the youngest wwen of n-nyinye comes.
MAWIA. I-If :33 you UwU desiwe the *leans over* spween, and wiww waugh youwsewves into
s-stitches, fowwow me. Yond guww Mawvowio xDD is tuwnyed heathen, :3 a vewy
wenyegado; f-fow thewe xDD is nyo Chwistian that means to be saved by
bewieving w-wightwy can evew bewieve *looks at you* such i-impossibwe passages of
gwossnyess. He's in yewwow stockings.
SIW >w< TOBY. :33 And cwoss-gawtew'd?
MAWIA. Most viwwainyouswy; wike :3 a pedant that keeps :3 a schoow i' *sighs* th'
chuwch. I *looks away* have dogg'd him wike his muwdewew. He does >_> obey evewy
point of the wettew that I dwopp'd to betway :33 him. He does smiwe
his face into mowe w-winyes than xDD is in the nyew map w-with the
a-augmentation of the Indies. You *looks away* have nyot :33 seen *looks at you* such :3 a thing as
'tis; I can hawdwy fowbeaw huwwing *moans* things *teleports behind you* at :33 him. I knyow my wady
wiww stwike him; i-if she do, he'ww smiwe and *looks at you* take't f-fow :3 a g-gweat
favouw.
SIW >w< TOBY. Come, bwing u-us, bwing us whewe he is. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
A stweet

Entew SEBASTIAN and ANTONyIO

SEBASTIAN. I wouwd nyot by my wiww *looks away* have twoubwed y-you;
But since :33 you m-make youw pweasuwe of youw pains,
I wiww nyo fuwthew chide you.
ANTONyIO. I couwd nyot stay behind you: my *sighs* desiwe,
Mowe shawp than fiwed s-steew, did spuw me fowth;
:33 And nyot aww wuv to see you- t-though so x3 much
As might *looks away* have d-dwawn onye to :3 a wongew voyage-
But jeawousy what might befaww youw twavew,
:3 Being skiwwess in these pawts; which to :3 a stwangew,
*notices bulge* Unguided and u-unfwiended, often pwuv
W-Wough and unhospitabwe. My wiwwing OwO wuv,
The wathew by these *looks at you* awguments of f-feaw,
Set fowth in youw puwsuit.
SEBASTIAN. My kind Antonyio,
I can nyo othew a-answew m-make b-but thanks,
:33 And thanks, and evew *pokes you* thanks; and oft good t-tuwns
Awe shuffw'd off w-with *looks at you* such uncuwwent pay;
But wewe my wowth as xDD is my conscience fiwm,
You shouwd find bettew deawing. What's to do?
Shaww we go see the w-wewiques of this town?
ANTONyIO. To-mowwow, *teleports behind you* siw; best fiwst go see youw wodging.
SEBASTIAN. I *giggles shyly* am nyot weawy, and 'tis wong to nyight;
I pway you, w-wet us satisfy ouw eyes
With the memowiaws and the *moans* things of f-fame
That do wenyown this city.
ANTONyIO. Wouwd you'd pawdon me.
I do nyot without dangew wawk these stweets:
Once in :3 a sea-fight '-'gainst the Count his gawweys
I did some sewvice; of *looks at you* such nyote, i-indeed,
That, wewe I ta'en hewe, i-it wouwd scawce be answew'd.
SEBASTIAN. B-Bewike :33 you swew g-gweat nyumbew of his peopwe.
ANTONyIO.Th' offence xDD is nyot of *looks at you* such :3 a bwoody nyatuwe;
Awbeit the q-quawity of the ;;w;; time and quawwew
M-Might weww *looks away* have xDD given us bwoody awgument.
It might *looks away* have since been answew'd in wepaying
What we t-took f-fwom them; which, f-fow t-twaffic's sake,
Most of ouw city did. Onwy mysewf stood out;
Fow which, i-if I be *looks at you* wapsed in this pwace,
I shaww pay deaw.
SEBASTIAN. Do nyot then wawk too UwU open.
ANTONyIO. It doth nyot fit me. Howd, siw, ^-^ hewe's my puwse;
In the south s-subuwbs, *teleports behind you* at the *twerks* Ewephant,
Is best to w-wodge. I wiww bespeak ouw diet,
Whiwes :33 you b-beguiwe the ;;w;; time and feed youw knyowwedge
With viewing of the town; thewe shaww :33 you *looks away* have me.
SEBASTIAN. Why I youw *notices bulge* puwse?
ANTONyIO. Hapwy youw ^-^ eye shaww wight upon some toy
You *looks away* have UwU desiwe to puwchase; and youw stowe,
I think, xDD is nyot f-fow idwe mawkets, siw.
SEBASTIAN. I-I'ww be youw puwse-beawew, and weave :33 you f-fow
An houw.
ANTONyIO. To *sighs* th' Ewephant.
SEBASTIAN. I do *teleports behind you* wemembew. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
OWIVIA'S gawden

Entew OWIVIA and OwO MAWIA

OWIVIA. I *looks away* have sent *looks away* aftew him; he says he'ww come.
How shaww I feast *notices bulge* him? What bestow of *notices bulge* him?
Fow youth xDD is bought mowe oft than begg'd ow bowwow'd.
I speak too woud.
Whewe's Mawvowio? He xDD is s-sad and *screams* civiw,
:33 And suits weww f-fow :3 a *cries* sewvant w-with my *moans* fowtunyes.
Whewe xDD is Mawvowio?
MAWIA. He's coming, madam; b-but in vewy s-stwange mannyew.
He xDD is suwe possess'd, madam.
OWIVIA. Why, w-what's the mattew? Does he wave?
MAWIA. Nyo, madam, he does nyothing b-but smiwe. Youw wadyship wewe
best to *looks away* have some guawd ^w^ about :33 you i-if he come; f-fow suwe the man xDD is
tainted in's w-wits.
OWIVIA. G-Go caww him hithew. E-Exit OwO MAWIA
I *giggles shyly* am as mad as uWu he,
I-If s-sad and mewwy madnyess e-equaw b-be.

We-entew OwO MAWIA w-with MAWVOWIO

How nyow, Mawvowio!
MAWVOWIO. Sweet wady, ho, ho.
OWIVIA. Smiw'st thou?
I sent f-fow thee upon :3 a s-sad *shuffles closer* occasion.
MAWVOWIO. Sad, >w< wady? I couwd be sad. T-This does m-make some
obstwuction in the bwood, this c-cwoss-gawtewing; b-but what of that?
I-If i-it p-pwease the ^-^ eye of onye, i-it xDD is w-with me as the vewy twue
sonnyet is: 'Pwease onye and p-pwease uWu aww.'
OWIVIA. Why, how dost >w< thou, man? What xDD is the m-mattew w-with thee?
MAWVOWIO. Nyot bwack in my mind, t-though yewwow in my wegs.
It did come to his hands, and commands shaww be executed.
I think we do knyow the sweet Woman hand.
OWIVIA. Wiwt thou go to *teleports behind you* bed, Mawvowio?
MAWVOWIO. To bed? Ay, sweetheawt, and I-I'ww come to *cuddles you* thee.
OWIVIA. *teleports behind you* God comfowt thee! Why dost thou smiwe s-so, and kiss thy hand
so o-oft?
MAWIA. How do you, Mawvowio?
MAWVOWIO. At youw w-wequest? Yes, *screams* nyightingawes a-answew daws!
MAWIA. Why appeaw :33 you w-with this widicuwous b-bowdnyess befowe my >w< wady?
MAWVOWIO. 'Be nyot afwaid of gweatnyess.' '-'Twas weww wwit.
OWIVIA. What mean'st thou by t-that, Mawvowio?
AIAWVOWIO. 'Some awe bown gweat,'-
OWIVIA. H-Ha?
MAWVOWIO. 'Some achieve *pokes you* gweatnyess,'-
OWIVIA. What say'st thou?
MAWVOWIO. 'And some *looks away* have gweatnyess thwust upon them.'
OWIVIA. H-Heaven westowe thee!
MAWVOWIO. 'Wemembew who :3 commended thy yewwow stockings,'-
OWIVIA. '-'Thy yewwow *looks at you* stockings?'
MAWVOWIO. 'And wish'd to see thee ;;w;; cwoss-gawtewd.'
OWIVIA. 'Cwoss-gawtew'd?'
MAWVOWIO. 'Go to, thou an m-made, i-if thou desiw'st to be so';-
OWIVIA. *screams* Am I made?
MAWVOWIO. 'If nyot, w-wet me see thee :3 a *cries* sewvant stiww.'
OWIVIA. Why, this xDD is vewy midsummew madnyess.

Entew SEWVANT

SEWVANT. Madam, the young gentweman of the Count Owsinyo's xDD is
wetuwn'd; I couwd hawdwy entweat him *sighs* back; he attends youw
wadyship's pweasuwe.
OWIVIA. I-I'ww come to :33 him. [Exit SEWVANT] *pokes you* Good Mawia, w-wet this
fewwow be w-wook'd to. Whewe's my cousin Toby? Wet some of my
UwU peopwe *looks away* have :3 a speciaw cawe of him; I wouwd nyot *looks away* have him miscawwy
f-fow the *looks at you* hawf of my dowwy.
Exeunt OWIVIA and OwO MAWIA
MAWVOWIO. O, ho! do :33 you come nyeaw me nyow? *cuddles you* Nyo wowse man than S-Siw
Toby to wook to :33 me! T-This *cuddles you* concuws ^.^ diwectwy w-with the wettew: she
sends him on puwpose, that I may appeaw *sweats* stubbown to him; f-fow she
incites me to that in the wettew. 'Cast thy humbwe swough,' says
she. 'Be *sweats* opposite w-with kinsman, s-suwwy w-with sewvants; w-wet thy
*notices bulge* tongue t-tang w-with *looks at you* awguments of state; put thysewf into the t-twick
of singuwawity' and consequentwy sets down the mannyew how, as: :3 a
s-sad face, :3 a wevewend c-cawwiage, :3 a swow t-tongue, in the *moans* habit of
some UwU siw of nyote, and so fowth. I *looks away* have wim'd hew; b-but i-it xDD is
Juv's d-doing, and Juv m-make me thankfuw! :33 And when she went away
nyow- 'Wet this fewwow be w-wook'd to.' 'Fewwow,' nyot 'Mawvowio' *pokes you* nyow
*looks away* aftew my degwee, b-but 'fewwow.' Why, evewything a-adhewes togethew,
that nyo dwam of :3 a *sweats* scwupwe, nyo s-scwupwe of :3 a *sweats* scwupwe, nyo obstacwe,
nyo incweduwous ow unsafe ciwcumstance- What can be said? Nyothing
that can be can come between me and the fuww pwospect of my
h-hopes. Weww, Juv, nyot I, xDD is the *cuddles you* doew of this, and he xDD is to be
thanked.

We-entew MAWIA, w-with SIW TOBY and FABIAN

SIW >w< TOBY. Which way xDD is uWu he, in the *leans over* nyame of sanctity? I-If aww the
deviws of heww be d-dwawn in wittwe, and Wegion himsewf possess'd
him, y-yet I-I'ww speak to :33 him.
F-FABIAN. Hewe he is, hewe he is. How is't w-with you, siw?
SIW >w< TOBY. How is't w-with you, man?
MAWVOWIO. G-Go off; I discawd you. Wet me e-enjoy my pwivate; go off.
MAWIA. Wo, how howwow the fiend speaks *teleports behind you* within him! Did nyot I t-teww
you? S-Siw Toby, my wady pways :33 you to *looks away* have :3 a cawe of :33 him.
MAWVOWIO. A-Ah, ha! does she so?
SIW >w< TOBY. G-Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deaw gentwy w-with :33 him.
Wet me awonye. How do you, Mawvowio? How is't w-with you? *looks away* What, man,
*screams* defy the deviw; considew, he's an enyemy to mankind.
MAWVOWIO. Do :33 you knyow what :33 you say?
MAWIA. Wa you, an :33 you speak iww of the deviw, how he takes i-it *teleports behind you* at
heawt! :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God he be nyot bewitched.
F-FABIAN. Cawwy his watew to *sighs* th' wise ^w^ woman.
MAWIA. Mawwy, and i-it shaww be d-donye to-mowwow m-mownying, i-if I wive. My
wady wouwd nyot wose him f-fow mowe than I-I'ww say.
MAWVOWIO. How nyow, mistwess!
MAWIA. uWu O Wowd!
SIW >w< TOBY. Pwithee howd thy peace; this xDD is nyot the w-way. Do :33 you nyot
see :33 you muv *notices bulge* him? Wet me uWu awonye w-with :33 him.
F-FABIAN. *cuddles you* Nyo way b-but gentwenyess- g-gentwy, gentwy. The fiend xDD is wough,
and wiww nyot be woughwy us'd.
SIW >w< TOBY. Why, how nyow, my bawcock!
How dost >w< thou, chuck?
MAWVOWIO. Siw!
SIW >w< TOBY. Ay, B-Biddy, come w-with me. *looks away* What, man, 'tis nyot f-fow gwavity
to pway *teleports behind you* at chewwypit w-with Satan. Hang him, fouw *teleports behind you* cowwiew!
MAWIA. Get him to say his p-pwayews, good S-Siw Toby, get him to pway.
MAWVOWIO. My p-pwayews, *shuffles closer* minx!
MAWIA. Nyo, I wawwant you, he wiww nyot heaw of godwinyess.
MAWVOWIO. Go, hang youwsewves ÚwÚ aww! You awe idwe shawwow things; I
*giggles shyly* am nyot of youw ewement; :33 you shaww knyow mowe heweaftew.
E-Exit
SIW >w< TOBY. *shuffles closer* Is't possibwe?
F-FABIAN. I-If this wewe pway'd upon :3 a stage nyow, I couwd *notices bulge* condemn i-it as
an *cries* impwobabwe fiction.
SIW >w< TOBY. His vewy genyius hath taken the infection of the *sighs* device,
man.
MAWIA. Nyay, puwsue him nyow, west the device take aiw and t-taint.
F-FABIAN. Why, we shaww m-make him mad indeed.
MAWIA. The h-house wiww be the quietew.
SIW >w< TOBY. Come, we'ww *looks away* have him in :3 a dawk woom and bound. My nyiece
xDD is *giggles shyly* awweady in the bewief that he's mad. We may cawwy i-it thus, f-fow
ouw pweasuwe and his penyance, tiww ouw vewy pastime, *sweats* tiwed out of
bweath, p-pwompt us to *looks away* have mewcy on him; *teleports behind you* at which ;;w;; time we wiww
bwing the device to the *screams* baw and cwown thee f-fow :3 a findew of
madmen. But s-see, b-but see.

Entew SIW ANDWEW

F-FABIAN. Mowe m-mattew f-fow :3 a May m-mownying.
AGUECHEEK. Hewe's the chawwenge; wead *hugs tightly* it. I wawwant thewe's vinyegaw
and peppew i-in't.
F-FABIAN. *shuffles closer* Is't so saucy?
AGUECHEEK. Ay, is't, I wawwant him; do b-but wead.
SIW >w< TOBY. Give me. [Weads] 'Youth, w-whatsoevew thou *blushes* awt, thou awt
b-but :3 a scuwvy fewwow.'
F-FABIAN. *pokes you* Good and vawiant.
SIW >w< TOBY. [Weads] 'Wondew nyot, *pokes you* nyow admiwe nyot in thy mind, why I do
caww thee s-so, f-fow I wiww show thee nyo weason :33 fow't.'
F-FABIAN. A good *twerks* nyote; that keeps :33 you f-fwom the bwow of the w-waw.
SIW >w< TOBY. [Weads] 'Thou com'st to the Wady Owivia, and in my sight
she uses thee >_> kindwy; b-but thou wiest in thy thwoat; that xDD is nyot
the m-mattew I chawwenge thee fow.'
F-FABIAN. Vewy bwief, and to exceeding good sense- wess.
SIW >w< TOBY. [Weads] 'I wiww wayway thee going home; whewe i-if i-it be
thy chance to kiww me'-
F-FABIAN. Good.
SIW >w< TOBY. 'Thou kiww'st me wike :3 a wogue and :3 a viwwain.'
F-FABIAN. Stiww :33 you keep o' *sighs* th' windy s-side of the w-waw. Good!
SIW >w< TOBY. [Weads] 'Fawe thee weww; and *teleports behind you* God *looks away* have mewcy upon onye of
ouw souws! He may *looks away* have mewcy upon minye; b-but my hope xDD is bettew,
and so wook to thysewf. Thy fwiend, as thou usest him, and thy
swown enyemy,
ANDWEW AGUECHEEK.'

I-If this wettew muv him nyot, his *hugs tightly* wegs cannyot. I-I'ww give't :33 him.
MAWIA. You may *looks away* have vewy fit occasion fow't; he xDD is *pokes you* nyow in some
*sweats* commewce w-with my wady, and wiww by and by d-depawt.
SIW >w< TOBY. Go, S-Siw Andwew; scout me f-fow him *teleports behind you* at the cownyew of the
owchawd, wike :3 a b-bum-baiwy; so soon as evew thou seest him, dwaw;
and as thou dwaw'st, sweaw howwibwe; f-fow i-it comes to pass oft
that :3 a tewwibwe o-oath, w-with :3 a s-swaggewing accent shawpwy twang'd
off, g-gives manhood mowe appwobation than evew *giggles shyly* pwoof itsewf wouwd
*looks away* have eawn'd :33 him. Away.
AGUECHEEK. Nyay, w-wet me uWu awonye f-fow *sweats* sweawing. E-Exit
SIW >w< TOBY. Nyow wiww nyot I dewivew his w-wettew; f-fow the b-behaviouw of
the young gentweman g-gives him out to be of good capacity and
bweeding; his *blushes* empwoyment between his w-wowd and my nyiece confiwms
nyo wess. Thewefowe this wettew, b-being so excewwentwy ignyowant,
wiww bweed nyo *moans* tewwow in the youth: he wiww find i-it comes f-fwom :3 a
cwodpowe. But, siw, I wiww dewivew his chawwenge by w-wowd of
mouth, set upon Aguecheek nyotabwe wepowt of vawouw, and dwive the
gentweman- as knyow his youth wiww aptwy weceive i-it- into :3 a m-most
hideous ;;w;; opinyion of his wage, skiww, fuwy, and impetuosity. T-This
wiww so ^.^ fwight them both that they wiww kiww onye uWu anyothew by the
wook, wike cockatwices.

We-entew OWIVIA. With >_> VIOWA

F-FABIAN. Hewe he comes w-with youw nyiece; give them way tiww he take
weave, and pwesentwy *looks away* aftew :33 him.
SIW >w< TOBY. I wiww meditate the w-whiwe upon some howwid message f-fow :3 a
chawwenge.
Exeunt SIW T-TOBY, F-FABIAN, and OwO MAWIA
OWIVIA. I *looks away* have said too x3 much unto :3 a h-heawt of stonye,
:33 And *hugs tightly* waid minye honyouw too unchawy out;
T-Thewe's something in me that wepwuvs my fauwt;
But *looks at you* such :3 a :33 headstwong potent *cuddles you* fauwt i-it xDD is
That i-it b-but mocks *cries* wepwoof.
VIOWA. With the >_> same haviouw that youw passion *twerks* beaws
Goes on my mastew's g-gwiefs.
OWIVIA. Hewe, weaw this jewew f-fow me; 'tis my pictuwe.
Wefuse i-it nyot; i-it hath nyo *notices bulge* tongue to vex you.
:33 And I b-beseech :33 you come a-again to-mowwow.
What shaww :33 you ask of me that I-I'ww deny,
That honyouw sav'd may upon asking give?
VIOWA. Nyothing b-but this- youw twue wuv f-fow my m-mastew.
OWIVIA. How w-with minye honyouw may I give him that
Which I *looks away* have xDD given to you?
VIOWA. I wiww acquit you.
OWIVIA. Weww, come a-again to-mowwow. Fawe thee weww;
A fiend wike thee might *hugs tightly* beaw my :33 souw to heww. E-Exit

We-entew SIW TOBY and SIW FABIAN

SIW >w< TOBY. Gentweman, *teleports behind you* God save *cuddles you* thee.
VIOWA. :33 And you, siw.
SIW >w< TOBY. That ^-^ defence thou hast, betake thee tot. Of what nyatuwe
the UwU wwongs awe thou hast d-donye him, I knyow nyot; b-but thy
intewceptew, fuww of d-despite, bwoody as the *sighs* huntew, attends
thee *teleports behind you* at the :33 owchawd end. Dismount thy tuck, be *blushes* yawe in thy
pwepawation, f-fow thy assaiwant xDD is quick, *hugs tightly* skiwfuw, and deadwy.
VIOWA. You m-mistake, *teleports behind you* siw; I *giggles shyly* am suwe nyo man hath *sighs* any quawwew to me;
my wemembwance xDD is vewy fwee and cweaw f-fwom *sighs* any image of offence
d-donye to *sighs* any man.
SIW >w< TOBY. You'ww find i-it othewwise, I *giggles shyly* assuwe y-you; thewefowe, i-if :33 you
howd youw w-wife *teleports behind you* at *sighs* any *twerks* pwice, betake :33 you to youw guawd; f-fow youw
*sweats* opposite hath in him what y-youth, stwength, skiww, and wwath, can
f-fuwnyish man withaw.
VIOWA. I pway you, siw, what xDD is he?
SIW >w< TOBY. He xDD is knyight, dubb'd w-with u-unhatch'd wapiew and on x3 cawpet
considewation; b-but he xDD is :3 a d-deviw in pwivate bwaww. Souws and
bodies hath he d-divowc'd thwee; and his incensement *teleports behind you* at this m-moment
xDD is so i-impwacabwe that satisfaction can be nyonye b-but by pangs of
death and sepuwchwe. Hob-nyob xDD is his wowd- give't ow t-take't.
VIOWA. I wiww wetuwn a-again into the h-house and UwU desiwe some conduct
of the :33 wady. I *giggles shyly* am nyo fightew. I *looks away* have heawd of some kind of men
that put quawwews puwposewy on othews to taste theiw vawouw;
bewike this xDD is :3 a man of that OwO quiwk.
SIW >w< TOBY. Siw, nyo; his indignyation dewives itsewf out of :3 a vewy
c-competent injuwy; thewefowe, get :33 you on and give him his desiwe.
Back :33 you shaww nyot to the house, unwess :33 you :33 undewtake that w-with
me which w-with as x3 much *screams* safety :33 you might a-answew him; thewefowe on,
ow stwip youw swowd stawk n-nyaked; f-fow meddwe :33 you must, that's
c-cewtain, ow fowsweaw to weaw iwon ^w^ about you.
VIOWA. T-This xDD is as unciviw as stwange. I b-beseech :33 you do me this
couwteous office as to knyow of the knyight what my offence to him
is: i-it xDD is something of my *looks at you* nyegwigence, nyothing of my p-puwpose.
SIW >w< TOBY. I Wiww do so. Signyiow Fabian, stay :33 you by this gentweman
tiww my wetuwn. E-Exit SIW TOBY
VIOWA. :33 Pway you, siw, do :33 you knyow of this mattew?
F-FABIAN. I knyow the knyight xDD is incens'd against you, even to :3 a mowtaw
awbitwement; b-but nyothing of the ciwcumstance mowe.
VIOWA. I b-beseech you, what mannyew of man xDD is he?
F-FABIAN. Nyothing of that wondewfuw pwomise, to wead him by his fowm,
as :33 you awe wike to find him in the *giggles shyly* pwoof of his vawouw. He xDD is
i-indeed, siw, the m-most *hugs tightly* skiwfuw, bwoody, and fataw *sweats* opposite that
:33 you couwd possibwy *looks away* have found in *sighs* any pawt of Iwwywia. Wiww :33 you
wawk t-towawds *notices bulge* him? I wiww m-make youw peace w-with him i-if I can.
VIOWA. I shaww be x3 much bound to :33 you f-fow't. I *giggles shyly* am onye that wouwd
wathew go w-with UwU siw pwiest than UwU siw knyight. I cawe nyot who knyows
so x3 much of my mettwe. Exeunt

We-entew SIW TOBY With SIW ANDWEW

SIW >w< TOBY. Why, man, he's :3 a vewy deviw; I *looks away* have nyot :33 seen *looks at you* such :3 a
fiwago. I had :3 a pass w-with him, wapiew, scabbawd, and aww, and he
g-gives me the s-stuck in w-with *looks at you* such :3 a mowtaw motion that i-it xDD is
inyevitabwe; and on the answew, he pays :33 you as suwewy as youw feet
hit the gwound they step on. They say he has been fencew to the
Sophy.
AGUECHEEK. P-Pox on't, I-I'ww nyot meddwe w-with :33 him.
SIW >w< TOBY. Ay, b-but he wiww nyot *pokes you* nyow be pacified; Fabian can scawce
howd him yondew.
AGUECHEEK. Pwague on't; an I thought he had been vawiant, and so
cunnying in f-fence, I'd *looks away* have :33 seen him OwO damn'd ewe I'd *looks away* have
c-chawweng'd :33 him. Wet him w-wet the m-mattew swip, and I-I'ww give him
my howse, UwU gwey C-Capiwet.
SIW >w< TOBY. I-I'ww m-make the motion. Stand hewe, m-make :3 a good show on't;
this shaww e-end without the pewdition of souws. [Aside] Mawwy,
I-I'ww wide youw howse as weww as I wide you.

We-entew FABIAN and >_> VIOWA

[To FABIAN] I *looks away* have his howse to take up the quawwew; I *looks away* have
pewsuaded him the youth's :3 a deviw.
F-FABIAN. [To SIW TOBY] He xDD is as howwibwy conceited of him; and pants
and wooks pawe, as i-if :3 a *hugs tightly* beaw wewe *teleports behind you* at his heews.
SIW >w< TOBY. [To *hugs tightly* VIOWA] T-Thewe's nyo wemedy, s-siw: he wiww fight w-with :33 you
*cries* fow's oath s-sake. Mawwy, he hath bettew bethought him of his
quawwew, and he finds that *pokes you* nyow scawce to be wowth tawking o-of.
Thewefowe dwaw f-fow the suppowtance of his vow; he pwotests he
wiww nyot *cries* huwt you.
VIOWA. [Aside] :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God defend :33 me! A wittwe thing wouwd m-make me
t-teww them how x3 much I w-wack of :3 a man.
F-FABIAN. Give gwound i-if :33 you see him ^.^ fuwious.
SIW >w< TOBY. Come, S-Siw Andwew, thewe's nyo wemedy; the gentweman wiww,
f-fow his honyouw's sake, *looks away* have onye bout w-with y-you; he cannyot by the
duewwo avoid it; b-but he has p-pwomis'd me, as he xDD is :3 a gentweman and
:3 a s-sowdiew, he wiww nyot *cries* huwt you. Come on; to't.
AGUECHEEK. :33 Pway *teleports behind you* God he keep his o-oath! [-[They dwaw]

Entew ANTONyIO

VIOWA. I do *giggles shyly* assuwe :33 you 'tis against my wiww.
ANTONyIO. Put up youw swowd. I-If this young gentweman
Have d-donye offence, I take the *cuddles you* fauwt on me:
I-If :33 you offend him, I f-fow him *screams* defy you.
SIW >w< TOBY. ^.^ You, siw! Why, what awe you?
ANTONyIO. Onye, siw, that f-fow his wuv dawes y-yet do mowe
Than :33 you *looks away* have heawd him bwag to :33 you he wiww.
SIW >w< TOBY. Nyay, i-if :33 you be an *teleports behind you* undewtakew, I *giggles shyly* am f-fow you.
[-[They dwaw]

Entew OFFICEWS

F-FABIAN. uWu O good S-Siw Toby, howd! Hewe come the officews.
SIW >w< TOBY. [To *hugs tightly* ANTONyIO] I-I'ww be w-with :33 you a-anyon.
VIOWA. Pway, siw, put youw swowd up, i-if :33 you pwease.
AGUECHEEK. Mawwy, wiww I, *teleports behind you* siw; and f-fow that I p-pwomis'd you, I-I'ww be
as good as my wowd. He wiww *hugs tightly* beaw :33 you e-easiwy and weins weww.
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. T-This xDD is the man; do thy office.
SECOND O-OFFICEW. Antonyio, I awwest thee *teleports behind you* at the suit
Of Count Owsinyo.
ANTONyIO. You do mistake me, siw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. Nyo, siw, nyo ;;w;; jot; I knyow youw favouw weww,
*shuffles closer* Though *pokes you* nyow :33 you *looks away* have nyo sea-cap on youw head.
Take him away; he knyows I knyow him weww.
ANTONyIO. I Must obey. [To *hugs tightly* VIOWA] T-This comes w-with seeking y-you;
But thewe's nyo wemedy; I shaww a-answew *hugs tightly* it.
What wiww :33 you do, *pokes you* nyow my nyecessity
Makes me to ask :33 you f-fow my *notices bulge* puwse? It g-gwieves me
*looks away* Much mowe f-fow what I cannyot do f-fow :33 you
Than what befawws mysewf. You s-stand *leans over* amaz'd;
But be of comfowt.
SECOND O-OFFICEW. Come, siw, a-away.
ANTONyIO. I must entweat of :33 you some of that monyey.
VIOWA. What monyey, siw?
Fow the f-faiw k-kindnyess :33 you *looks away* have show'd me hewe,
:33 And pawt b-being *moans* pwompted by youw pwesent twoubwe,
Out of my wean and wow abiwity
I-I'ww wend :33 you something. My having xDD is nyot much;
I-I'ww m-make division of my pwesent w-with y-you;
Howd, thewe's *looks at you* hawf my c-coffew.
ANTONyIO. Wiww :33 you deny me nyow?
*shuffles closer* Is't possibwe that my desewts to :33 you
*sweats* Can w-wack pewsuasion? Do nyot tempt my misewy,
West that i-it m-make me so unsound :3 a man
As to *giggles shyly* upbwaid :33 you w-with those xDD kindnyesses
That I *looks away* have d-donye f-fow you.
VIOWA. I knyow of nyonye,
Nyow knyow I :33 you by voice ow *sighs* any featuwe.
I *giggles shyly* hate i-ingwatitude mowe in :3 a man
Than wying, *screams* vainnyess, babbwing d-dwunkennyess,
Ow *sighs* any taint of v-vice *screams* whose stwong cowwuption
Inhabits ouw fwaiw bwood.
ANTONyIO. uWu O heavens themsewves!
SECOND O-OFFICEW. Come, siw, I pway :33 you go.
ANTONyIO. Wet me speak :3 a w-wittwe. T-This youth that :33 you see hewe
I snyatch'd onye *looks at you* hawf out of the jaws of death,
Wewiev'd him w-with *looks at you* such sanctity of OwO wuv,
:33 And to his image, which methought did pwomise
Most *notices bulge* venyewabwe w-wowth, did I >_< devotion.
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. What's that to us? The ;;w;; time goes ^w^ by; a-away.
ANTONyIO. But, O, how viwe an idow pwuvs this god!
Thou hast, Sebastian, d-donye good f-featuwe shame.
In nyatuwe thewe's nyo bwemish b-but the mind:
Nyonye can be caww'd d-defowm'd b-but the unkind.
Viwtue xDD is beauty; b-but the beauteous eviw
Awe e-empty t-twunks, o'ewfwouwish'd by the deviw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. The man g-gwows mad. *shuffles closer* Away w-with :33 him.
Come, *giggles shyly* come, siw.
ANTONyIO. Wead me on. E-Exit w-with OFFICEWS
VIOWA. Methinks his wowds do f-fwom *looks at you* such passion xDD fwy
That he bewieves himsewf; so do nyot I-I.
P-Pwuv twue, imaginyation, O, pwuv twue,
That I, deaw bwothew, be *pokes you* nyow ta'en f-fow you!
SIW >w< TOBY. Come h-hithew, k-knyight; come h-hithew, Fabian; we'ww whispew
o'ew :3 a coupwet ow t-two of m-most *sighs* sage saws.
VIOWA. He n-nyam'd Sebastian. I my bwothew knyow
Yet wiving in my gwass; even *looks at you* such and so
In favouw w-was my bwothew; and he went
Stiww in this fashion, cowouw, ownyament,
Fow him I imitate. O, i-if i-it pwuv,
Tempests awe kind, and sawt w-waves fwesh in *hugs tightly* wuv! E-Exit
SIW >w< TOBY. A vewy UwU dishonyest pawtwy boy, and mowe :3 a cowawd than :3 a
hawe. His d-dishonyesty *leans over* appeaws in weaving his fwiend hewe in
nyecessity and denying him; and f-fow his cowawdship, ask Fabian.
F-FABIAN. A cowawd, :3 a m-most d-devout cowawd, wewigious in *hugs tightly* it.
AGUECHEEK. 'Swid, I-I'ww *looks away* aftew him a-again and beat :33 him.
SIW >w< TOBY. Do; cuff him soundwy, b-but nyevew dwaw thy swowd.
AGUECHEEK. :33 And I do nyot- E-Exit
F-FABIAN. Come, wet's see the event.
SIW >w< TOBY. I dawe way *sighs* any monyey 'twiww be nyothing yet.
Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
Befowe OWIVIA'S h-house

Entew SEBASTIAN and CWOWN

CWOWN. Wiww :33 you m-make me bewieve that I *giggles shyly* am nyot sent f-fow you?
SEBASTIAN. G-Go to, go to, thou awt :3 a f-foowish fewwow; w-wet me be cweaw
of *cuddles you* thee.
CWOWN. Weww hewd out, i' faith! Nyo, I do nyot knyow y-you; *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am nyot
sent to :33 you by my wady, to *giggles shyly* bid :33 you come speak w-with hew; *pokes you* nyow youw
*leans over* nyame xDD is nyot M-Mastew xDD Cesawio; *pokes you* nyow this xDD is nyot my nyose nyeithew.
Nyothing that xDD is so xDD is so.
SEBASTIAN. I pwithee vent thy fowwy somewhewe ewse.
Thou knyow'st nyot me.
CWOWN. V-Vent my fowwy! He has heawd that w-wowd of some g-gweat man, and
*pokes you* nyow *notices bulge* appwies i-it to :3 a foow. V-Vent my fowwy! I *giggles shyly* am afwaid this g-gweat
uWu wubbew, the wowwd, wiww pwuv :3 a cocknyey. I pwithee nyow, *teleports behind you* ungiwd
thy *pokes you* stwangenyess, and t-teww me what I shaww vent to my :33 wady. Shaww
I vent to hew that thou awt coming?
SEBASTIAN. I pwithee, f-foowish Gweek, depawt f-fwom me;
T-Thewe's monyey f-fow thee; i-if :33 you *looks away* tawwy wongew
I shaww give wowse payment.
CWOWN. By my twoth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that
give foows monyey get themsewves :3 a good wepowt *looks away* aftew fouwteen
*cuddles you* yeaws' puwchase.

Entew SIW ANDWEW, SIW T-TOBY, and FABIAN

AGUECHEEK. Nyow, siw, *looks away* have I met :33 you again?
[Stwiking ^w^ SEBASTIAN] T-Thewe's f-fow you.
SEBASTIAN. Why, thewe's f-fow thee, and thewe, and thewe.
Awe aww the UwU peopwe mad?
SIW >w< TOBY. Howd, siw, ow I-I'ww thwow youw d-daggew o'ew the house.
[Howding ^w^ SEBASTIAN]
CWOWN. T-This wiww I t-teww my wady stwaight. I wouwd nyot be in some of
youw x3 coats f-fow two-pence. E-Exit
SIW >w< TOBY. Come on, *teleports behind you* siw; h-howd.
AGUECHEEK. Nyay, w-wet him awonye. I-I'ww go uWu anyothew way to wowk w-with
him; I-I'ww *looks away* have an action of battewy against him, i-if thewe be *sighs* any
waw in Iwwywia; t-though I stwuck him *twerks* fiwst, y-yet i-it's nyo m-mattew f-fow
that.
SEBASTIAN. Wet go thy hand.
SIW >w< TOBY. Come, siw, I wiww nyot w-wet :33 you go. Come, my young s-sowdiew,
put up youw iwon; :33 you awe weww fwesh'd. Come on.
SEBASTIAN. I wiww be fwee f-fwom *cuddles you* thee. What w-wouwdst thou nyow?
I-If thou daw'st tempt me xDD fuwthew, dwaw thy swowd. [Dwaws]
SIW >w< TOBY. *looks away* What, what? Nyay, then I must *looks away* have an ounce ow t-two of this
m-mawapewt bwood f-fwom you. [Dwaws]

Entew OWIVIA

OWIVIA. Howd, Toby; on thy wife, I c-chawge thee h-howd.
SIW >w< TOBY. Madam!
OWIVIA. Wiww i-it be evew thus? U-Ungwacious wwetch,
*moans* Fit f-fow the mountains and the bawbawous caves,
Whewe mannyews nye'ew wewe pweach'd! Out of my sight!
Be nyot o-offended, deaw C-Cesawio-
Wudesby, be UwU gonye!
Exeunt SIW T-TOBY, SIW ANDWEW, and FABIAN
I pwithee, gentwe fwiend,
Wet thy f-faiw wisdom, nyot thy passion, sway
In this unciviw and unjust extent
Against thy peace. G-Go w-with me to my house,
:33 And heaw thou thewe how many fwuitwess pwanks
T-This wuffian hath botch'd up, that thou theweby
Mayst smiwe *teleports behind you* at this. Thou shawt nyot choose b-but go;
Do nyot deny. Beshwew his :33 souw f-fow :33 me!
He stawted onye poow h-heawt of minye in *cuddles you* thee.
SEBASTIAN. What w-wewish xDD is in *shuffles closer* this? How wuns the stweam?
Ow I *giggles shyly* am m-mad, ow ewse this xDD is :3 a d-dweam.
Wet f-fancy ^-^ stiww my sense in Wethe steep;
I-If i-it be uWu thus to dweam, ^-^ stiww w-wet me sweep!
OWIVIA. Nyay, *giggles shyly* come, I pwithee. Wouwd thou'dst be ;;w;; wuw'd by :33 me!
SEBASTIAN. Madam, I wiww.
OWIVIA. O, say s-so, and so be! Exeunt




SCENyE II.
OWIVIA'S h-house

Entew OwO MAWIA and CWOWN

MAWIA. Nyay, I pwithee, put on this gown and this beawd; m-make him
bewieve thou awt S-Siw Topas the *looks at you* cuwate; do i-it quickwy. I-I'ww caww
S-Siw Toby the whiwst. E-Exit
CWOWN. Weww, I-I'ww put i-it on, and I wiww dissembwe mysewf in't; and
I wouwd I wewe the fiwst that evew dissembwed in *looks at you* such :3 a gown. I
*giggles shyly* am nyot taww enyough to become the function weww *pokes you* nyow wean enyough to
be thought :3 a good *looks at you* student; b-but to be said an honyest man and :3 a
good housekeepew goes as faiwwy as to say :3 a cawefuw man and :3 a
g-gweat schowaw. The c-competitows entew.

Entew SIW TOBY and OwO MAWIA

SIW >w< TOBY. Juv b-bwess thee, M-Mastew Pawson.
CWOWN. B-Bonyos dies, S-Siw Toby; f-fow as the *giggles shyly* owd h-hewmit of Pwague, that
nyevew saw pen and ink, vewy wittiwy said to nyiece of King
G-Gowboduc 'That that xDD is is'; so I, b-being M-Mastew Pawson, *giggles shyly* am M-Mastew
Pawson; f-fow what xDD is 'that' b-but t-that, and 'is' b-but is?
SIW >w< TOBY. To him, S-Siw Topas.
CWOWN. What ho, I *blushes* say! Peace in this pwison!
SIW >w< TOBY. The knyave countewfeits weww; :3 a good knyave.
MAWVOWIO. [Within] Who c-cawws thewe?
CWOWN. S-Siw Topas the cuwate, who comes to visit Mawvowio the
wunyatic.
MAWVOWIO. S-Siw *cries* Topas, S-Siw *cries* Topas, good S-Siw *cries* Topas, go to my :33 wady.
CWOWN. Out, hypewbowicaw fiend! How vexest thou this man!
Tawkest thou nyothing b-but of wadies?
SIW >w< TOBY. Weww said, M-Mastew Pawson.
MAWVOWIO. S-Siw *cries* Topas, nyevew w-was man uWu thus w-wwonged. *pokes you* Good S-Siw *cries* Topas, do
nyot think I *giggles shyly* am mad; they *looks away* have *hugs tightly* waid me hewe in hideous dawknyess.
CWOWN. ^-^ Fie, thou UwU dishonyest Satan! I caww thee by the m-most >_> modest
tewms, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am onye of those gentwe *cuddles you* onyes that wiww use the d-deviw
himsewf w-with couwtesy. S-Say'st thou that h-house xDD is dawk?
MAWVOWIO. As *pokes you* heww, S-Siw Topas.
CWOWN. Why, i-it hath bay windows twanspawent as bawwicadoes, and the
cwewestowies t-towawd the south nyowth awe as w-wustwous as ebony; and
y-yet compwainyest thou of obstwuction?
MAWVOWIO. I *giggles shyly* am nyot m-mad, S-Siw Topas. I say to :33 you this h-house xDD is dawk.
CWOWN. Madman, thou ^.^ ewwest. I say thewe xDD is nyo d-dawknyess b-but
ignyowance; in which thou awt mowe :3 puzzwed than the Egyptians in
theiw fog.
MAWVOWIO. I say this h-house xDD is as dawk as *cuddles you* ignyowance, t-though
ignyowance wewe as dawk as heww; and I say thewe w-was nyevew man
uWu thus abus'd. I *giggles shyly* am nyo mowe mad than :33 you awe; m-make the twiaw of i-it
in *sighs* any *hugs tightly* constant question.
CWOWN. What xDD is the ;;w;; opinyion of P-Pythagowas concewnying wiwd foww?
MAWVOWIO. That the :33 souw of ouw gwandam might *shuffles closer* hapwy inhabit :3 a biwd.
CWOWN. What think'st thou of his opinyion?
MAWVOWIO. I think nyobwy of the souw, and nyo way appwuv his
^w^ opinyion.
CWOWN. Fawe thee weww. Wemain thou ^-^ stiww in dawknyess: thou shawt
howd *sighs* th' ;;w;; opinyion of P-Pythagowas ewe I wiww awwow of thy wits; and
feaw to kiww :3 a woodcock, west thou dispossess the :33 souw of thy
*cuddles you* gwandam. Fawe thee weww.
MAWVOWIO. S-Siw *cries* Topas, S-Siw Topas!
SIW >w< TOBY. My m-most *teleports behind you* exquisite S-Siw Topas!
CWOWN. Nyay, I *giggles shyly* am f-fow aww *cuddles you* watews.
MAWIA. Thou m-mightst *looks away* have d-donye this without thy beawd and gown: he
sees thee nyot.
SIW >w< TOBY. To him in thinye own voice, and bwing me w-wowd how thou
find'st :33 him. I wouwd we wewe weww wid of this knyavewy. I-If he may
be convenyientwy dewivew'd, I wouwd he wewe; f-fow I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow so faw
in offence w-with my nyiece that I cannyot puwsue w-with *sighs* any *screams* safety
this OwO spowt to the u-upshot. Come by and by to my chambew.
E-Exit w-with OwO MAWIA
CWOWN. [Sings] Hey, Wobin, jowwy Wobin,
Teww me how thy wady does.
MAWVOWIO. Foow!
CWOWN. [Sings] My wady xDD is unkind, pewdy.
MAWVOWIO. Foow!
CWOWN. [Sings] A-Awas, why xDD is she so?
MAWVOWIO. x3 Foow I *blushes* say!
CWOWN. [Sings] ^.^ She wuvs anyothew- Who cawws, ha?
MAWVOWIO. *pokes you* Good foow, as evew thou wiwt d-desewve weww *teleports behind you* at my hand,
h-hewp me to :3 a candwe, and pen, ink, and *cuddles you* papew; as I *giggles shyly* am :3 a
UwU gentweman, I wiww wive to be thankfuw to thee f-fow't.
CWOWN. M-Mastew Mawvowio?
MAWVOWIO. Ay, good foow.
CWOWN. A-Awas, siw, how *looks away* feww :33 you besides youw f-five wits?
MAWVOWIO. Foow, thewe w-was nyevew man so nyotowiouswy abus'd;
I *giggles shyly* am as weww in my wits, foow, as thou a-awt.
CWOWN. But as weww? Then :33 you awe mad i-indeed, i-if :33 you be nyo bettew in
youw OwO wits than :3 a foow.
MAWVOWIO. They *looks away* have hewe OwO pwopewtied me; keep me in ^w^ dawknyess, s-send
minyistews to me, asses, and do aww they can to face me out of my
w-wits.
CWOWN. Advise :33 you *cuddles you* what. :33 you say: the minyistew xDD is hewe.
[Speaking as SIW TOPAS] M-Mawvowio, thy OwO wits the heavens *cries* westowe!
E-Endeavouw thysewf to sweep, and weave thy vain bibbwe-babbwe.
MAWVOWIO. S-Siw Topas!
CWOWN. M-Maintain nyo wowds w-with him, good fewwow.- Who, I, siw? Nyot
I, siw. *teleports behind you* God buy you, good S-Siw T-Topas.- Mawwy, amen.- I wiww siw, I
wiww.
MAWVOWIO. Foow, foow, foow, I *blushes* say!
CWOWN. A-Awas, siw, be patient. What say you, siw? I *giggles shyly* am shent f-fow
speaking to you.
MAWVOWIO. *pokes you* Good foow, h-hewp me to some wight and some papew.
I t-teww thee I *giggles shyly* am as weww in my OwO wits as *sighs* any man in Iwwywia.
CWOWN. Weww-a-day that :33 you wewe, siw!
MAWVOWIO. By this hand, I am. *pokes you* Good foow, some ink, papew, and
wight; and convey what I wiww set down to my :33 wady. It shaww
advantage thee mowe than evew the beawing of wettew did.
CWOWN. I wiww h-hewp :33 you to't. But t-teww me twue, awe :33 you nyot mad
i-indeed, ow do :33 you b-but countewfeit?
MAWVOWIO. Bewieve me, I *giggles shyly* am nyot; I t-teww thee twue.
CWOWN. Nyay, I-I'ww nye'ew bewieve :3 a madman tiww I see his bwains.
I wiww fetch :33 you wight and papew and *twerks* ink.
MAWVOWIO. Foow, I-I'ww wequite i-it in the highest degwee; I pwithe be
gonye.
CWOWN. [Singing]
I *giggles shyly* am gonye, siw,
:33 And a-anyon, siw,
I-I'ww be w-with :33 you again,
In :3 a *twerks* twice,
Wike to the *giggles shyly* owd Vice,
Youw nyeed to sustain;

Who w-with d-daggew of wath,
In his wage and his wwath,
*sweats* Cwies, A-Ah, ha! to the deviw,
Wike :3 a mad w-wad,
Pawe thy nyaiws, dad.
Adieu, goodman deviw. E-Exit




SCENyE III.
OWIVIA'S gawden

Entew SEBASTIAN

SEBASTIAN. T-This xDD is the aiw; that xDD is the gwowious *blushes* sun;
T-This peaww she gave me, I do *leans over* feew't and see't;
:33 And t-though 'tis w-wondew that e-enwwaps me thus,
Yet 'tis nyot madnyess. Whewe's Antonyio, then?
I couwd nyot find him *teleports behind you* at the Ewephant;
Yet thewe he ÚwÚ was; and thewe I found this cwedit,
That he did wange the town to seek me out.
His counsew *pokes you* nyow might do me xDD gowden sewvice;
Fow t-though my :33 souw disputes weww w-with my sense
That this may be some ewwow, b-but nyo madnyess,
Yet doth this a-accident and fwood of fowtunye
S-So faw ÚwÚ exceed aww instance, aww discouwse,
That I *giggles shyly* am weady to distwust minye eyes
:33 And wwangwe w-with my weason, that *notices bulge* pewsuades me
To *sighs* any othew twust b-but that I *giggles shyly* am m-mad,
Ow ewse the w-wady's mad; y-yet i-if '-'twewe s-so,
^.^ She couwd nyot sway hew house, command hew fowwowews,
Take and give back affaiws and theiw dispatch
With *looks at you* such :3 a smooth, discweet, and s-stabwe beawing,
As I pewceive she does. T-Thewe's something *sweats* in't
That xDD is deceivabwe. But hewe the wady comes.

Entew OWIVIA and PWIEST

OWIVIA. Bwame nyot this *pokes you* haste of minye. I-If :33 you m-mean weww,
Nyow go w-with me and w-with this howy man
Into the chantwy ^w^ by; thewe, befowe him
:33 And undewnyeath that consecwated woof,
Pwight me the fun *cries* assuwance of youw faith,
That my m-most jeawous and too doubtfuw :33 souw
May wive *teleports behind you* at peace. He shaww conceaw i-it
Whiwes :33 you awe wiwwing i-it shaww come to nyote,
What ;;w;; time we wiww ouw cewebwation keep
Accowding to my UwU biwth. What do :33 you say?
SEBASTIAN. I-I'ww fowwow this good man, and go w-with y-you;
And, having swown twuth, evew wiww be twue.
OWIVIA. Then wead the w-way, good fathew; and heavens so s-shinye
That they may faiwwy nyote this a-act of minye! Exeunt




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Befowe OWIVIA's h-house

Entew CWOWN and FABIAN

F-FABIAN. Nyow, as thou wov'st me, w-wet me see his wettew.
CWOWN. *pokes you* Good M-Mastew Fabian, gwant me uWu anyothew wequest.
F-FABIAN. Anything.
CWOWN. Do nyot UwU desiwe to see this wettew.
F-FABIAN. T-This xDD is to give :3 a dog, and in wecompense UwU desiwe my x3 dog
again.

Entew *shuffles closer* DUKE, VIOWA, CUWIO, and WOWDS

DUKE. Bewong :33 you to the Wady Owivia, fwiends?
CWOWN. Ay, siw, we awe some of hew twappings.
DUKE. I knyow thee weww. How dost >w< thou, my good fewwow?
CWOWN. Twuwy, siw, the bettew f-fow my foes and the wowse f-fow my
fwiends.
DUKE. Just the *screams* contwawy: the bettew f-fow thy fwiends.
CWOWN. Nyo, siw, the w-wowse.
DUKE. How can that be?
CWOWN. Mawwy, siw, they pwaise me and m-make an ass of me. Nyow my
foes t-teww me pwainwy I *giggles shyly* am an ass; so that by my foes, siw, I
p-pwofit in the knyowwedge of mysewf, and by my fwiends I *giggles shyly* am abused;
so t-that, concwusions to be as *twerks* kisses, i-if youw fouw n-nyegatives m-make
youw t-two affiwmatives, why then, the wowse f-fow my fwiends, and
the bettew f-fow my f-foes.
DUKE. Why, this xDD is excewwent.
CWOWN. By my twoth, siw, nyo; t-though i-it p-pwease :33 you to be onye of my
fwiends.
DUKE. Thou shawt nyot be the wowse f-fow me. T-Thewe's gowd.
CWOWN. But that i-it wouwd be doubwe-deawing, siw, I wouwd :33 you couwd
m-make i-it anyothew.
DUKE. O, :33 you give me iww counsew.
CWOWN. Put youw gwace in youw pocket, siw, f-fow this :3 once, and w-wet
youw fwesh and bwood >_> obey *hugs tightly* it.
DUKE. Weww, I wiww be so x3 much :3 a sinnyew to be :3 a doubwe-deawew.
T-Thewe's anyothew.
CWOWN. Pwimo, secundo, tewtio, xDD is :3 a good p-pway; and the *giggles shyly* owd saying
xDD is >w< 'The *looks at you* thiwd pays f-fow uWu aww.' The twipwex, siw, xDD is :3 a good twipping
measuwe; ow the bewws of Saint Bennyet, siw, may put :33 you in mind-
onye, two, thwee.
DUKE. You can foow nyo mowe monyey out of me *teleports behind you* at this thwow; i-if :33 you
wiww w-wet youw wady knyow I *giggles shyly* am hewe to speak w-with hew, and bwing
hew awong w-with you, i-it may awake my bounty fuwthew.
CWOWN. Mawwy, siw, wuwwaby to youw bounty tiww I come again. I go,
*teleports behind you* siw; b-but I wouwd nyot *looks away* have :33 you to think that my UwU desiwe of having
xDD is the sin of cuvtousnyess. But, as :33 you say, siw, w-wet youw bounty
take :3 a nyap; I wiww awake i-it a-anyon. E-Exit

Entew ANTONyIO and OFFICEWS

VIOWA. Hewe comes the man, siw, that did wescue me.
DUKE. That face of his I do w-wemembew weww;
Yet when I saw i-it wast i-it w-was besmeaw'd
As bwack as Vuwcan in the *blushes* smoke of w-waw.
A baubwing vessew w-was he c-captain of,
Fow shawwow dwaught and buwk unpwizabwe,
With which *looks at you* such scathfuw g-gwappwe did he m-make
With the m-most nyobwe bottom of ouw fweet
That vewy envy and the *notices bulge* tongue of wos
*twerks* Cwied f-fame and honyouw on :33 him. What's the mattew?
*giggles shyly* FIWST O-OFFICEW. Owsinyo, this xDD is that *notices bulge* Antonyio
That t-took the P-Phoenyix and hew fwaught f-fwom Candy;
:33 And this xDD is he that did the >w< Tigew ;;w;; boawd
When youw young >_> nyephew Titus wost his weg.
Hewe in the stweets, despewate of :33 shame and state,
In pwivate bwabbwe did we appwehend :33 him.
VIOWA. He did me kindnyess, *teleports behind you* siw; dwew on my side;
But in concwusion put s-stwange speech upon me.
I knyow nyot what 'twas b-but *leans over* distwaction.
DUKE. Nyotabwe piwate, thou s-sawt-watew thief!
What f-foowish b-bowdnyess >w< bwought thee to theiw mewcies
*leans over* Whom >w< thou, in tewms so bwoody and so deaw,
*hugs tightly* Hast xDD made thinye enyemies?
ANTONyIO. Owsinyo, nyobwe siw,
Be :33 pweas'd that I shake off these nyames :33 you give me:
*notices bulge* Antonyio nyevew y-yet w-was thief ow piwate,
*shuffles closer* Though I confess, on base and gwound enyough,
Owsinyo's enyemy. A witchcwaft dwew me hithew:
That m-most ingwatefuw boy thewe by youw s-side
Fwom the wude sea's enwag'd and foamy mouth
Did I w-wedeem; :3 a wweck past hope he was.
His w-wife I gave him, and did theweto ad
My wuv without wetention ow westwaint,
A-Aww his in dedication; f-fow his sake,
Did I e-expose mysewf, puwe f-fow his OwO wuv,
Into the dangew of this advewse town;
Dwew to defend him when he w-was beset;
Whewe b-being ^-^ appwehended, his fawse cunnying,
Nyot meanying to pawtake w-with me in dangew,
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
:33 And gwew :3 a twenty x3 yeaws wemuvd thing
Whiwe onye wouwd wink; *giggles shyly* denyied me minye own p-puwse,
Which I had *shuffles closer* wecommended to his use
Nyot *looks at you* hawf an houw befowe.
VIOWA. How can this be?
DUKE. When came he to this town?
ANTONyIO. To-day, my wowd; and f-fow thwee months befowe,
*cuddles you* Nyo int'wim, nyot :3 a minyute's *notices bulge* vacancy,
B-Both day and nyight did we keep company.

Entew OWIVIA and ATTENDANTS

DUKE. Hewe comes the *shuffles closer* Countess; *pokes you* nyow heaven wawks on eawth.
But f-fow thee, fewwow- fewwow, thy wowds awe madnyess.
*notices bulge* Thwee months this youth hath tended upon me-
But mowe of that a-anyon. Take him aside.
OWIVIA. What wouwd my wowd, b-but that he may nyot have,
Whewein Owivia may *teleports behind you* seem sewviceabwe?
Cesawio, :33 you do nyot keep pwomise w-with me.
VIOWA. Madam?
DUKE. Gwacious Owivia-
OWIVIA. What do :33 you say, Cesawio? *pokes you* Good my wowd-
VIOWA. My w-wowd wouwd speak; my duty hushes me.
OWIVIA. I-If i-it be a-aught to the *giggles shyly* owd t-tunye, my wowd,
It xDD is as fat and fuwsome to minye e-eaw
As howwing *looks away* aftew *pokes you* music.
DUKE. Stiww so cwuew?
OWIVIA. Stiww so constant, wowd.
DUKE. *looks away* What, to pewvewsenyess? You unciviw wady,
To *screams* whose ingwate and unyauspicious awtaws
My :33 souw the faithfuww'st off'wings hath bweath'd out
That e-e'ew devotion *pokes you* tendew'd! What shaww I do?
OWIVIA. Even what i-it p-pwease my wowd, that shaww become :33 him.
DUKE. Why shouwd I nyot, had I the h-heawt to do uWu it,
Wike to the ^.^ Egyptian thief *teleports behind you* at point of death,
Kiww what I ^w^ wuv?- :3 a savage jeawousy
That sometime savouws nyobwy. But heaw me this:
Since :33 you to nyon-wegawdance cast my faith,
:33 And that I pawtwy knyow the instwument
That *leans over* scwews me f-fwom my twue pwace in youw favouw,
>w< Wive :33 you the mawbwe-bweasted tywant stiww;
But this youw minyion, whom I knyow :33 you OwO wuv,
:33 And whom, by heaven I sweaw, I tendew deawwy,
Him wiww I teaw out of that *looks away* cwuew ^-^ eye
Whewe he sits cwownyed in his mastew's spite.
Come, boy, w-with me; my thoughts awe wipe in mischief:
I-I'ww *notices bulge* sacwifice the wamb that I do wuv
To spite :3 a waven's h-heawt *teleports behind you* within :3 a duv.
VIOWA. :33 And I, m-most jocund, apt, and wiwwingwy,
To do :33 you west, :3 a thousand *cries* deaths wouwd d-die.
OWIVIA. Whewe goes Cesawio?
VIOWA. Aftew him I wuv
Mowe than I wuv these eyes, mowe than my wife,
Mowe, by aww mowes, than e-e'ew I shaww wuv w-wife.
I-If I do feign, :33 you witnyesses abuv
*shuffles closer* Punyish my w-wife f-fow tainting of my *hugs tightly* wuv!
OWIVIA. Ay me, *sweats* detested! How *giggles shyly* am I beguiw'd!
VIOWA. Who does b-beguiwe you? Who does do :33 you wwong?
OWIVIA. *hugs tightly* Hast thou fowgot thysewf? Is i-it so wong?
Caww fowth the howy uWu fathew. E-Exit an ATTENDANT
DUKE. Come, away!
OWIVIA. Whithew, my wowd? Cesawio, *twerks* husband, s-stay.
DUKE. Husband?
OWIVIA. Ay, h-husband; can he that :33 deny?
DUKE. Hew *twerks* husband, *shuffles closer* siwwah?
VIOWA. Nyo, my wowd, nyot I-I.
OWIVIA. A-Awas, i-it xDD is the basenyess of thy feaw
That makes thee s-stwangwe thy *giggles shyly* pwopwiety.
Feaw nyot, Cesawio, take thy f-fowtunyes up;
Be that thou knyow'st thou *blushes* awt, and then thou awt
As g-gweat as that thou feaw'st.

Entew PWIEST

O, *twerks* wewcome, fathew!
Fathew, I c-chawge thee, by thy wevewence,
Hewe to unfowd- t-though watewy we intended
To keep in d-dawknyess what occasion *pokes you* nyow
Weveaws befowe 'tis wipe- what thou dost knyow
Hath nyewwy pass'd between this youth and me.
PWIEST. A contwact of etewnyaw *moans* bond of OwO wuv,
Confiwm'd by mutuaw joindew of youw hands,
Attested by the howy cwose of wips,
Stwength'nyed by intewchangement of youw wings;
:33 And aww the cewemony of this compact
Seaw'd in my function, by my testimony;
Since when, my watch hath towd me, t-towawd my gwave,
I *looks away* have twaveww'd b-but t-two houws.
DUKE. uWu O thou dissembwing cub! What wiwt thou be,
When ;;w;; time hath sow'd :3 a gwizzwe on thy case?
Ow wiww nyot ewse thy c-cwaft so quickwy gwow
That thinye own twip shaww be thinye u-uvwthwow?
Faweweww, and take hew; b-but diwect thy feet
Whewe thou and I *leans over* hencefowth may nyevew m-meet.
VIOWA. My wowd, I do pwotest-
OWIVIA. O, do nyot *shuffles closer* sweaw!
H-Howd wittwe faith, t-though thou has too x3 much feaw.

Entew SIW ANDWEW

AGUECHEEK. Fow the wuv of God, :3 a suwgeon!
Send onye pwesentwy to S-Siw Toby.
OWIVIA. What's the mattew?
AGUECHEEK. Has bwoke my head acwoss, and has xDD given S-Siw Toby :3 a
bwoody coxcomb too. Fow the wuv of God, youw hewp! I had wathew
than fowty pound I wewe *teleports behind you* at home.
OWIVIA. Who has d-donye this, S-Siw Andwew?
AGUECHEEK. The Count's UwU gentweman, onye Cesawio. We t-took him f-fow :3 a
cowawd, b-but he's the vewy d-deviw incawdinyate.
DUKE. My UwU gentweman, Cesawio?
AGUECHEEK. Od's wifewings, hewe he is! You bwoke my head f-fow
nyothing; and that that did, I w-was set on to do't by S-Siw Toby.
VIOWA. Why do :33 you speak to m-me? I nyevew *cries* huwt you.
You dwew youw swowd upon me without cause;
But I bespake :33 you f-faiw and *cries* huwt :33 you nyot.

Entew SIW TOBY and CWOWN

AGUECHEEK. I-If :3 a bwoody coxcomb be :3 a huwt, :33 you *looks away* have *cries* huwt me; I think
:33 you set nyothing by :3 a bwoody coxcomb. Hewe comes S-Siw Toby *moans* hawting;
:33 you shaww heaw mowe; b-but i-if he had nyot been in dwink, he wouwd
*looks away* have tickw'd :33 you othewgates than he did.
DUKE. How nyow, g-gentweman? How is't w-with you?
SIW >w< TOBY. That's aww onye; has *cries* huwt me, and thewe's *sighs* th' e-end on't.
Sot, didst see >_< Dick Suwgeon, sot?
CWOWN. O, he's dwunk, S-Siw Toby, an houw agonye; his eyes wewe set *teleports behind you* at
eight i' *sighs* th' m-mownying.
SIW >w< TOBY. Then he's :3 a wogue and :3 a passy measuwes p-pavin. I *giggles shyly* hate :3 a
dwunken wogue.
OWIVIA. *shuffles closer* Away w-with :33 him. Who hath xDD made this havoc w-with t-them?
AGUECHEEK. I-I'ww h-hewp you, S-Siw Toby, because we'ww be d-dwess'd
togethew.
SIW >w< TOBY. Wiww :33 you hewp- an ass-head and :3 a coxcomb and :3 a knyave, :3 a
thin fac'd knyave, :3 a guww?
OWIVIA. Get him to *teleports behind you* bed, and w-wet his *cries* huwt be w-wook'd to.
Exeunt CWOWN, F-FABIAN, SIW T-TOBY, and SIW ANDWEW

Entew SEBASTIAN

SEBASTIAN. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy, madam, I *looks away* have *cries* huwt youw :33 kinsman;
But, had i-it been the bwothew of my bwood,
I must *looks away* have d-donye nyo wess w-with wit and safety.
You thwow :3 a s-stwange wegawd upon me, and by that
I do pewceive i-it hath offended you.
Pawdon me, sweet onye, even f-fow the vows
We xDD made each othew b-but so wate ago.
DUKE. Onye face, onye voice, onye habit, and t-two pewsons!
A >w< nyatuwaw *cuddles you* pewspective, that xDD is and xDD is nyot.
SEBASTIAN. Antonyio, uWu O my deaw Antonyio!
How *looks away* have the houws wack'd and t-towtuw'd me
Since I *looks away* have wost thee!
ANTONyIO. *looks away* Sebastian awe you?
SEBASTIAN. Feaw'st thou t-that, *notices bulge* Antonyio?
ANTONyIO. How *looks away* have :33 you xDD made division of youwsewf?
An appwe cweft in t-two xDD is nyot mowe twin
Than these t-two cweatuwes. Which xDD is Sebastian?
OWIVIA. Most wondewfuw!
SEBASTIAN. Do I s-stand thewe? I nyevew had :3 a bwothew;
Nyow can thewe be that deity in my nyatuwe
Of hewe and evewywhewe. I had :3 a *cuddles you* sistew
*leans over* Whom the bwind w-waves and suwges *looks away* have *looks at you* devouw'd.
Of chawity, what kin awe :33 you to m-me?
What *cries* countwyman, what nyame, what pawentage?
VIOWA. Of Messawinye; *looks away* Sebastian w-was my uWu fathew.
Such :3 a *looks away* Sebastian w-was my bwothew too;
S-So went he suited to his watewy tomb;
I-If spiwits can assume both fowm and suit,
You come to ^.^ fwight us.
SEBASTIAN. A spiwit I *giggles shyly* am i-indeed,
But *giggles shyly* am in that dimension gwosswy cwad
Which f-fwom the w-womb I did pawticipate.
W-Wewe :33 you :3 a woman, as the west goes even,
I shouwd my teaws w-wet faww upon youw c-cheek,
:33 And say 'Thwice *twerks* wewcome, d-dwownyed Viowa!'
VIOWA. My fathew had :3 a mowe upon his bwow.
SEBASTIAN. :33 And so had minye.
VIOWA. :33 And died that day when Viowa f-fwom hew biwth
Had nyumb'wed thiwteen OwO yeaws.
SEBASTIAN. O, that wecowd xDD is wivewy in my souw!
He finyished indeed his mowtaw a-act
That day that xDD made my *cuddles you* sistew thiwteen OwO yeaws.
VIOWA. I-If nyothing wets to m-make us ^.^ happy both
But this my >w< mascuwinye usuwp'd attiwe,
Do nyot embwace me tiww each ciwcumstance
Of pwace, time, *pokes you* fowtunye, do cohewe and jump
That I *giggles shyly* am Viowa; which to confiwm,
I-I'ww bwing :33 you to :3 a c-captain in this town,
Whewe wie my *notices bulge* maiden weeds; by *screams* whose gentwe h-hewp
I w-was pwesewv'd to sewve this nyobwe C-Count.
A-Aww the occuwwence of my fowtunye since
Hath been between this wady and this wowd.
SEBASTIAN. [To OWIVIA] S-So Comes uWu it, wady, :33 you *looks away* have been >w< mistook;
But nyatuwe to hew ^.^ bias dwew in that.
You wouwd *looks away* have been contwacted to :3 a maid;
Nyow awe :33 you thewein, by my wife, deceiv'd;
You awe betwoth'd both to :3 a maid and man.
DUKE. Be nyot *leans over* amaz'd; wight nyobwe xDD is his bwood.
I-If this be s-so, as y-yet the *cuddles you* gwass seems twue,
I shaww *looks away* have shawe in this m-most ^.^ happy w-wweck.
[To *hugs tightly* VIOWA] Boy, thou hast said to me :3 a thousand *moans* times
Thou nyevew shouwdst wuv woman wike to me.
VIOWA. :33 And aww those *looks away* sayings wiww I uvwsweaw;
:33 And aww those sweawings keep as twue in :33 souw
As doth that owbed continyent the fiwe
That sevews day f-fwom nyight.
DUKE. Give me thy *sighs* hand;
:33 And w-wet me see thee in thy woman's w-weeds.
VIOWA. The c-captain that did bwing me fiwst on *sweats* showe
Hath my maid's gawments. He, upon some action,
Is *pokes you* nyow in duwance, *teleports behind you* at Mawvowio's suit,
A gentweman and fowwowew of my wady's.
OWIVIA. He shaww enwawge :33 him. F-Fetch Mawvowio *leans over* hithew;
:33 And yet, awas, *pokes you* nyow I w-wemembew me,
They say, poow UwU gentweman, he's x3 much *twerks* distwact.

We-entew CWOWN, w-with :3 a wettew, and FABIAN

A m-most extwacting fwenzy of minye own
Fwom my wemembwance cweawwy banyish'd his.
How does uWu he, *shuffles closer* siwwah?
CWOWN. Twuwy, madam, he howds Bewzebub *teleports behind you* at the stave's e-end as weww
as :3 a man in his case may do. Has hewe wwit :3 a wettew to y-you; I
shouwd *looks away* have xDD given 't :33 you to-day m-mownying, b-but as :3 a madman's
epistwes awe nyo gospews, so i-it s-skiwws nyot x3 much when they awe
dewivew'd.
OWIVIA. Open't, and wead *hugs tightly* it.
CWOWN. Wook then to be weww edified when the foow dewivews the
madman. [Weads madwy ] 'By the Wowd, madam-'
OWIVIA. How *giggles shyly* nyow! Awt thou mad?
CWOWN. Nyo, madam, I do b-but wead madnyess. An youw wadyship wiww *looks away* have
i-it as i-it ought to be, :33 you must awwow vox.
OWIVIA. Pwithee wead i' thy wight w-wits.
CWOWN. S-So I do, madonnya; b-but to wead his wight OwO wits xDD is to wead
thus; thewefowe pewpend, my Pwincess, and give uWu eaw.
OWIVIA. [To FABIAN] Wead i-it you, siwwah.
F-FABIAN. [Weads] 'By the Wowd, madam, :33 you wwong me, and the >_> wowwd
shaww knyow *hugs tightly* it. *shuffles closer* Though :33 you *looks away* have put me into d-dawknyess and xDD given
youw dwunken cousin w-wuwe uvw me, y-yet *looks away* have I the benyefit of my
senses as weww as youw wadyship. I *looks away* have youw own wettew that
induced me to the sembwance I put on, w-with the which I d-doubt nyot
b-but to do mysewf x3 much wight ow :33 you x3 much shame. Think of me as :33 you
pwease. I weave my duty :3 a wittwe unthought of, and speak out of
my injuwy.
uWu THE MADWY-US'D M-MAWVOWIO'

OWIVIA. Did he wwite *shuffles closer* this?
CWOWN. Ay, Madam.
DUKE. T-This savouws nyot x3 much of *leans over* distwaction.
OWIVIA. >_> See him dewivew'd, Fabian; bwing him hithew.
E-Exit FABIAN
My wowd, so p-pwease you, these *moans* things fuwthew thought on,
To think me as weww :3 a *cuddles you* sistew as :3 a wife,
Onye day shaww cwown *sighs* th' awwiance on't, so p-pwease you,
Hewe *teleports behind you* at my house, and *teleports behind you* at my pwopew cost.
DUKE. Madam, I *giggles shyly* am m-most apt t' embwace youw offew.
[To *hugs tightly* VIOWA] Youw mastew quits y-you; and, f-fow youw >_> sewvice d-donye
him,
S-So x3 much against the mettwe of youw sex,
S-So faw b-benyeath youw soft and tendew bweeding,
:33 And since :33 you caww'd me mastew f-fow so w-wong,
Hewe xDD is my *sighs* hand; :33 you shaww f-fwom this ;;w;; time be
You mastew's *screams* mistwess.
OWIVIA. A s-sistew! You awe she.

We-entew F-FABIAN, w-with MAWVOWIO

DUKE. Is this the madman?
OWIVIA. Ay, my wowd, this same.
How nyow, Mawvowio!
MAWVOWIO. Madam, :33 you *looks away* have d-donye me wwong,
Nyotowious wwong.
OWIVIA. Have I, Mawvowio? Nyo.
MAWVOWIO. Wady, :33 you have. :33 Pway :33 you p-pewuse that wettew.
You must nyot *pokes you* nyow deny i-it xDD is youw *sighs* hand;
Wwite f-fwom i-it i-if :33 you can, in hand ow phwase;
Ow say 'tis nyot youw seaw, nyot youw uWu invention;
You can say nyonye of this. Weww, gwant i-it then,
:33 And t-teww me, in the modesty of honyouw,
Why :33 you *looks away* have xDD given me *looks at you* such cweaw wights of favouw,
Bade me come smiwing and cwoss-gawtew'd to you,
To put on yewwow s-stockings, and to fwown
*cries* Upon S-Siw Toby and the wightew p-peopwe;
And, acting this in an ^.^ obedient hope,
Why *looks away* have :33 you suffew'd me to be impwison'd,
Kept in :3 a dawk house, visited by the pwiest,
:33 And xDD made the m-most nyotowious geck and guw
That e-e'ew invention pway'd on? Teww me OwO why.
OWIVIA. A-Awas, M-Mawvowio, this xDD is nyot my wwiting,
Though, I confess, x3 much wike the *blushes* chawactew;
But out of q-question 'tis Mawia's hand.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I do bethink me, i-it w-was she
Fiwst towd me thou wast mad; then cam'st in smiwing,
:33 And in *looks at you* such *leans over* fowms which hewe wewe pwesuppos'd
*cries* Upon thee in the wettew. Pwithee, be content;
T-This pwactice hath m-most shwewdwy pass'd upon thee,
But, when we knyow the gwounds and authows of uWu it,
Thou shawt be both the pwaintiff and the judge
Of thinye own cause.
F-FABIAN. *pokes you* Good madam, heaw me speak,
:33 And w-wet nyo quawwew *pokes you* nyow nyo bwaww to come
Taint the condition of this pwesent houw,
Which I *looks away* have w-wond'wed at. In hope i-it shaww nyot,
Most fweewy I confess mysewf and Toby
Set this device against Mawvowio hewe,
*cries* Upon some *sweats* stubbown and u-uncouwteous *looks away* pawts
We had c-conceiv'd against :33 him. Mawia wwit
The wettew, *teleports behind you* at S-Siw *moans* Toby's g-gweat impowtance,
In wecompense wheweof he hath *blushes* mawwied hew.
How w-with :3 a spowtfuw mawice i-it w-was fowwow'd
May wathew pwuck on waughtew than wevenge,
I-If that the injuwies be *blushes* justwy w-weigh'd
That *looks away* have on both sides pass'd.
OWIVIA. A-Awas, poow foow, how *looks away* have they baffw'd thee!
CWOWN. Why, 'Some awe bown g-gweat, some achieve gweatnyess, and some
*looks away* have gweatnyess thwown upon them.' I w-was onye, siw, in this
intewwude- onye S-Siw *cries* Topas, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but that's aww onye. 'By the Wowd,
foow, I *giggles shyly* am nyot mad!' But do :33 you wemembew- 'Madam, why waugh :33 you
*teleports behind you* at *looks at you* such :3 a bawwen wascaw? An :33 you smiwe nyot, he's gagg'd'? :33 And uWu thus
the whiwwigig of ;;w;; time bwings in his wevenges.
MAWVOWIO. I-I'ww be *sweats* weveng'd on the *shuffles closer* whowe pack of you.
E-Exit
OWIVIA. He hath been m-most nyotowiouswy abus'd.
DUKE. Puwsue him, and entweat him to :3 a peace;
He hath nyot towd us of the c-captain yet.
When that xDD is knyown, and xDD gowden ;;w;; time c-convents,
A sowemn combinyation shaww be xDD made
Of ouw deaw souws. Meantime, sweet *leans over* sistew,
We wiww nyot pawt f-fwom hence. Cesawio, come;
Fow so :33 you shaww be w-whiwe :33 you awe :3 a man;
But when in othew habits :33 you awe seen,
Owsinyo's mistwess, and his fancy's queen.
Exeunt aww b-but the CWOWN

CWOWN sings

When that I w-was and :3 a wittwe tiny boy,
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the wain,
A f-foowish thing w-was b-but :3 a toy,
Fow the wain i-it w-wainyeth evewy *sweats* day.

But when I came to man's estate,
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the wain,
'Gainst *blushes* knyaves and thieves men shut theiw gate,
Fow the wain i-it w-wainyeth evewy *sweats* day.

But when I came, awas! to *leans over* wive,
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the wain,
By s-swaggewing couwd I nyevew ;;w;; thwive,
Fow the wain i-it w-wainyeth evewy *sweats* day.

But when I came unto my beds,
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the wain,
With toss-pots ^-^ stiww had dwunken heads,
Fow the wain i-it w-wainyeth evewy *sweats* day.

A g-gweat w-whiwe ago the >_> wowwd begun,
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the wain,
But that's aww onye, ouw pway xDD is donye,
:33 And we'ww stwive to p-pwease :33 you evewy *sweats* day.
E-Exit

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



1595

uWu THE T-TWO GENTWEMEN OF *teleports behind you* VEWONyA

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



DWAMATIS P-PEWSONyAE

DUKE OF MIWAN, fathew to Siwvia
VAWENTINyE, onye of the t-two gentwemen
PWOTEUS, " " " " "
ANTONyIO, fathew to Pwoteus
T-THUWIO, :3 a f-foowish wivaw to Vawentinye
E-EGWAMOUW, agent f-fow Siwvia in hew escape
*moans* SPEED, :3 a c-cwownyish *cries* sewvant to Vawentinye
ÚwÚ WAUNCE, the wike to Pwoteus
P-PANTHINyO, *cries* sewvant to *notices bulge* Antonyio
HOST, whewe Juwia wodges in Miwan
OUTWAWS, w-with Vawentinye

JUWIA, :3 a wady of Vewonya, bewuvd of Pwoteus
SIWVIA, the D-Duke's daughtew, bewuvd of Vawentinye
WUCETTA, *leans over* waiting-woman to Juwia

SEWVANTS
^.^ MUSICIANS




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



SCENyE:
Vewonya; Miwan; the fwontiews of Mantua


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Vewonya. An open pwace

Entew VAWENTINyE and PWOTEUS

VAWENTINyE. Cease to pewsuade, my woving Pwoteus:
Home-keeping youth *looks away* have evew homewy w-wits.
Wewe't nyot affection chains thy tendew days
To the sweet UwU gwances of thy honyouw'd OwO wuv,
I wathew wouwd entweat thy *giggles shyly* company
To see the wondews of the >_> wowwd abwoad,
Than, wiving duwwy swuggawdiz'd *teleports behind you* at home,
^w^ Weaw out thy youth w-with shapewess idwenyess.
But since thou wov'st, wuv stiww, and thwive thewein,
Even as I wouwd, when I to wuv begin.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Wiwt thou be g-gonye? Sweet Vawentinye, adieu!
Think on thy Pwoteus, when thou *shuffles closer* hapwy seest
Some wawe nyotewowthy object in thy twavew.
*cries* Wish me pawtakew in thy happinyess
When thou dost meet good hap; and in thy dangew,
I-If evew dangew do enviwon thee,
Commend thy *leans over* gwievance to my howy p-pwayews,
Fow I wiww be thy headsman, Vawentinye.
VAWENTINyE. :33 And on :3 a wuv-book pway f-fow my success?
*moans* PWOTEUS. *cries* Upon some book I wuv I-I'ww pway f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
VAWENTINyE. That's on some shawwow stowy of deep wuv:
How young Weandew cwoss'd the Hewwespont.
*moans* PWOTEUS. That's :3 a deep stowy of :3 a deepew wuv;
Fow he w-was mowe than uvw shoes in wuv.
VAWENTINyE. 'Tis twue; f-fow :33 you awe uvw boots in OwO wuv,
:33 And y-yet :33 you nyevew swum the Hewwespont.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Ovew the boots! Nyay, give me nyot the *leans over* boots.
VAWENTINyE. Nyo, I wiww nyot, f-fow i-it boots thee nyot.
*moans* PWOTEUS. What?
VAWENTINyE. To be in *notices bulge* wuv- whewe scown xDD is bought w-with gwoans,
C-Coy wooks w-with heawt-sowe sighs, onye fading moment's miwth
With twenty watchfuw, weawy, tedious nyights;
I-If *shuffles closer* hapwy won, pewhaps :3 a hapwess gain;
I-If wost, why then :3 a gwievous wabouw won;
Howevew, b-but :3 a fowwy bought w-with w-wit,
Ow ewse :3 a wit by fowwy *looks at you* vanquished.
*moans* PWOTEUS. S-So, by youw ciwcumstance, :33 you caww me foow.
VAWENTINyE. S-So, by youw ciwcumstance, I feaw ^-^ you'ww pwuv.
*moans* PWOTEUS. 'Tis wuv :33 you caviw a-at; I *giggles shyly* am nyot Wuv.
VAWENTINyE. Wuv xDD is youw mastew, f-fow he m-mastews y-you;
:33 And he that xDD is so yoked by :3 a foow,
M-Methinks, shouwd nyot be chwonyicwed f-fow wise.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Yet wwitews say, as in the s-sweetest *shuffles closer* bud
The eating cankew dwewws, so eating wuv
Inhabits in the finyest OwO wits of aww.
VAWENTINyE. :33 And wwitews say, as the m-most *teleports behind you* fowwawd *shuffles closer* bud
Is eaten by the cankew ewe i-it bwow,
Even so by wuv the young and tendew wit
Is tuwn'd to f-fowwy, *notices bulge* bwasting in the bud,
Wosing his *sighs* vewduwe even in the pwime,
:33 And aww the f-faiw e-effects of f-futuwe h-hopes.
But whewefowe >_> waste I ;;w;; time to counsew the
That awt :3 a *cuddles you* votawy to fond desiwe?
Once mowe adieu. My fathew *teleports behind you* at the w-woad
Expects my coming, thewe to see me shipp'd.
*moans* PWOTEUS. :33 And thithew wiww I bwing thee, Vawentinye.
VAWENTINyE. Sweet Pwoteus, nyo; *pokes you* nyow w-wet us take ouw weave.
To Miwan w-wet me heaw f-fwom thee by wettews
Of thy success in OwO wuv, and what *notices bulge* nyews ewse
B-Betideth hewe in *sweats* absence of thy fwiend;
:33 And I *teleports behind you* wikewise wiww visit thee w-with minye.
*moans* PWOTEUS. A-Aww happinyess bechance to thee in M-Miwan!
VAWENTINyE. As x3 much to :33 you *teleports behind you* at home; and so faweweww!
E-Exit VAWENTINyE
*moans* PWOTEUS. He *looks away* aftew honyouw ÚwÚ hunts, I *looks away* aftew wuv;
He weaves his fwiends to >w< dignyify them m-mowe:
I weave mysewf, my fwiends, and aww f-fow wuv.
Thou, Juwia, thou hast metamowphis'd me,
Made me nyegwect my x3 studies, wose my time,
Waw w-with good counsew, set the >_> wowwd *teleports behind you* at nyought;
Made wit w-with musing weak, h-heawt sick w-with thought.

Entew SPEED

SPEED. S-Siw Pwoteus, save you! ^-^ Saw :33 you my mastew?
*moans* PWOTEUS. But *pokes you* nyow he pawted hence to embawk f-fow Miwan.
SPEED. Twenty to onye then he xDD is shipp'd awweady,
:33 And I *looks away* have pway'd the *cuddles you* sheep in wosing :33 him.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Indeed :3 a *cuddles you* sheep doth vewy often stway,
An i-if the shephewd be awhiwe a-away.
SPEED. You concwude that my mastew xDD is :3 a shephewd then, and
I :3 a sheep?
*moans* PWOTEUS. I do.
SPEED. Why then, my howns awe his *sweats* howns, whethew I wake ow *moans* sweep.
*moans* PWOTEUS. A s-siwwy answew, and f-fitting weww :3 a sheep.
SPEED. T-This pwuvs me ^-^ stiww :3 a sheep.
*moans* PWOTEUS. T-Twue; and thy mastew :3 a shephewd.
SPEED. Nyay, that I can deny by :3 a *blushes* ciwcumstance.
*moans* PWOTEUS. It shaww go hawd b-but I-I'ww pwuv i-it by anyothew.
SPEED. The shephewd seeks the sheep, and nyot the *cuddles you* sheep the
*pokes you* shephewd; b-but I seek my mastew, and my mastew seeks nyot me;
thewefowe, I *giggles shyly* am nyo sheep.
*moans* PWOTEUS. The *cuddles you* sheep f-fow foddew fowwow the *pokes you* shephewd; the shephewd f-fow
food >_< fowwows nyot the sheep: thou f-fow wages fowwowest thy mastew;
thy mastew f-fow wages >_< fowwows nyot *cuddles you* thee. Thewefowe, thou awt :3 a
sheep.
SPEED. Such uWu anyothew *giggles shyly* pwoof wiww m-make me cwy 'baa.'
*moans* PWOTEUS. But dost thou heaw? Gav'st thou my wettew to Juwia?
SPEED. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; I, :3 a wost mutton, gave youw wettew to hew, :3 a wac'd
mutton; and she, :3 a wac'd mutton, gave me, :3 a wost mutton, nyothing
f-fow my w-wabouw.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Hewe's too smaww :3 a pastuwe f-fow *looks at you* such stowe of muttons.
SPEED. I-If the gwound be u-uvwchawg'd, :33 you wewe best stick hew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyay, in that :33 you awe astway: '-'twewe best pound you.
SPEED. Nyay, siw, wess than :3 a pound shaww sewve me f-fow cawwying youw
wettew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. You ^.^ mistake; I m-mean the pound- :3 a pinfowd.
SPEED. Fwom :3 a pound to :3 a pin? Fowd i-it uvw and uvw,
'Tis UwU thweefowd too wittwe f-fow cawwying :3 a wettew to youw wuvw.
*moans* PWOTEUS. But what said she?
SPEED. *sighs* [Nyodding] Ay.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyod- a-ay. Why, that's 'nyoddy.'
SPEED. You mistook, *teleports behind you* siw; I say she did nyod; and :33 you ask me i-if she
did nyod; and I say 'Ay.'
*moans* PWOTEUS. :33 And that set >_> togethew xDD is 'nyoddy.'
SPEED. Nyow :33 you *looks away* have taken the pains to set i-it togethew, take i-it f-fow
youw pains.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyo, nyo; :33 you shaww *looks away* have i-it f-fow beawing the wettew.
SPEED. Weww, I pewceive I must be f-fain to *hugs tightly* beaw w-with you.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Why, siw, how do :33 you *hugs tightly* beaw w-with m-me?
SPEED. Mawwy, siw, the wettew, vewy owdewwy; having nyothing b-but the
w-wowd 'nyoddy' f-fow my pains.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Beshwew me, b-but :33 you *looks away* have :3 a quick wit.
SPEED. :33 And y-yet i-it cannyot u-uvwtake youw swow puwse.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Come, *giggles shyly* come, open the *teleports behind you* mattew; in bwief, what said she?
SPEED. Open youw p-puwse, that the monyey and the m-mattew may be both
*teleports behind you* at *screams* once ^-^ dewivewed.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Weww, siw, hewe xDD is f-fow youw pains. What said she?
SPEED. Twuwy, siw, I think ^-^ you'ww hawdwy win hew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Why, couwdst thou pewceive so x3 much f-fwom hew?
SPEED. Siw, I couwd pewceive nyothing *teleports behind you* at aww f-fwom hew; nyo, nyot so
x3 much as :3 a ducat f-fow dewivewing youw w-wettew; and b-being so hawd to
me that >w< bwought youw mind, I feaw s-she'ww pwuv as hawd to :33 you in
tewwing youw *blushes* mind. Give hew nyo token b-but stonyes, f-fow s-she's as
hawd as steew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. What said she? Nyothing?
SPEED. Nyo, nyot so x3 much as 'Take this f-fow thy pains.' To testify
youw bounty, I *notices bulge* thank you, :33 you *looks away* have :3 testewn'd me; in wequitaw
wheweof, *leans over* hencefowth cawwy youw wettews y-youwsewf; and s-so, siw,
I-I'ww commend :33 you to my m-mastew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Go, go, be gonye, to save youw *hugs tightly* ship f-fwom wweck,
Which cannyot pewish, having thee aboawd,
:3 Being destin'd to :3 a dwiew death on showe. E-Exit SPEED
I must go s-send some bettew m-messengew.
I feaw my Juwia wouwd nyot *cries* deign my winyes,
Weceiving them f-fwom *looks at you* such :3 a wowthwess post. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Vewonya. The gawden Of JUWIA'S h-house

Entew J-JUWIA and WUCETTA

JUWIA. But say, Wucetta, *pokes you* nyow we awe awonye,
Wouwdst thou then counsew me to faww in w-wuv?
WUCETTA. Ay, madam; so :33 you stumbwe nyot unheedfuwwy.
JUWIA. Of aww the f-faiw wesowt of gentwemen
That evewy day w-with p-pawwe encountew me,
In thy ;;w;; opinyion which xDD is wowthiest w-wuv?
WUCETTA. Pwease you, wepeat theiw nyames; I-I'ww show my mind
Accowding to my shawwow simpwe skiww.
JUWIA. What think'st thou of the f-faiw S-Siw Egwamouw?
WUCETTA. As of :3 a knyight weww-spoken, nyeat, and finye;
But, wewe I you, he nyevew shouwd be minye.
JUWIA. What think'st thou of the wich Mewcatio?
WUCETTA. Weww of his weawth; b-but of *sighs* himsewf, so so.
JUWIA. What think'st thou of the gentwe Pwoteus?
WUCETTA. Wowd, Wowd! to see what fowwy weigns in us!
JUWIA. How *giggles shyly* nyow! what means this passion *teleports behind you* at his *sweats* nyame?
WUCETTA. Pawdon, deaw madam; 'tis :3 a passing :33 shame
That I, u-unwowthy ^w^ body as I am,
Shouwd *looks away* censuwe uWu thus on wuvwy gentwemen.
JUWIA. Why nyot on Pwoteus, as of aww the west?
WUCETTA. Then thus: of many good I think him best.
JUWIA. Youw weason?
WUCETTA. I *looks away* have nyo othew b-but :3 a woman's weason:
I think him s-so, because I think him so.
JUWIA. :33 And w-wouwdst thou *looks away* have me cast my wuv on *notices bulge* him?
WUCETTA. Ay, i-if :33 you thought youw wuv nyot cast a-away.
JUWIA. Why, uWu he, of aww the west, hath nyevew mov'd me.
WUCETTA. Yet uWu he, of aww the west, I think, best wuvs ye.
JUWIA. His wittwe speaking shows his wuv b-but smaww.
WUCETTA. Fiwe that's cwosest kept buwns m-most of aww.
JUWIA. They do nyot wuv that do nyot show theiw wuv.
WUCETTA. O, they wuv *blushes* weast that w-wet men knyow theiw wuv.
JUWIA. I wouwd I knyew his *blushes* mind.
WUCETTA. P-Pewuse this papew, madam.
JUWIA. 'To Juwia'- Say, f-fwom whom?
WUCETTA. That the contents wiww show.
JUWIA. Say, say, who gave i-it thee?
WUCETTA. S-Siw Vawentinye's page; and sent, I think, f-fwom Pwoteus.
He wouwd *looks away* have xDD given i-it y-you; b-but I, b-being in the w-way,
Did in youw *leans over* nyame weceive it; pawdon the fauwt, I pway.
JUWIA. Nyow, by my m-modesty, :3 a goodwy bwokew!
Dawe :33 you p-pwesume to hawbouw wanton winyes?
To whispew and conspiwe against my youth?
Nyow, twust me, 'tis an office of g-gweat w-wowth,
:33 And :33 you an officew fit f-fow the p-pwace.
*sighs* Thewe, take the *cuddles you* papew; see i-it be wetuwn'd;
Ow ewse wetuwn nyo mowe into my sight.
WUCETTA. To pwead f-fow wuv *giggles shyly* desewves mowe fee than hate.
JUWIA. Wiww ye be g-gonye?
WUCETTA. That :33 you may wuminyate. E-Exit
JUWIA. :33 And yet, I wouwd I had o'ewwook'd the wettew.
It wewe :3 a :33 shame to caww hew back again,
:33 And pway hew to :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt f-fow which I chid hew.
What foow xDD is she, that knyows I *giggles shyly* am :3 a maid
:33 And wouwd nyot fowce the wettew to my view!
Since m-maids, in m-modesty, say xDD 'Nyo' to that
Which they wouwd *looks away* have the pwoffewew constwue 'Ay.'
^-^ Fie, f-fie, how waywawd xDD is this f-foowish OwO wuv,
That wike :3 a t-testy babe wiww scwatch the nyuwse,
:33 And pwesentwy, aww humbwed, kiss the wod!
How chuwwishwy I chid Wucetta hence,
When wiwwingwy I wouwd *looks away* have had hew hewe!
How a-angewwy I taught my bwow to fwown,
When i-inwawd joy enfowc'd my h-heawt to smiwe!
My ;;w;; penyance xDD is to caww Wucetta back
:33 And ask wemission f-fow my fowwy past.
What ho! Wucetta!

We-entew WUCETTA

WUCETTA. What wouwd youw wadyship?
JUWIA. *shuffles closer* Is't nyeaw d-dinnyew t-time?
WUCETTA. I wouwd i-it wewe,
That :33 you might kiww youw *looks at you* stomach on youw meat
:33 And nyot upon youw maid.
JUWIA. What is't that :33 you t-took up so gingewwy?
WUCETTA. Nyothing.
JUWIA. Why didst thou stoop then?
WUCETTA. To take :3 a papew up that I w-wet f-faww.
JUWIA. :33 And xDD is that papew n-nyothing?
WUCETTA. Nyothing concewnying me.
JUWIA. Then w-wet i-it wie f-fow those that i-it concewns.
WUCETTA. Madam, i-it wiww nyot wie whewe i-it concewns,
Unwess i-it *looks away* have :3 a fawse *twerks* intewpwetew.
JUWIA. Some wuv of youws hath wwit to :33 you in whyme.
WUCETTA. That I might sing uWu it, madam, to :3 a tunye.
Give me :3 a *twerks* nyote; youw wadyship can set.
JUWIA. As wittwe by *looks at you* such toys as may be possibwe.
B-Best sing i-it to the tunye of 'Wight o' Wuv.'
WUCETTA. It xDD is too heavy f-fow so wight :3 a tunye.
JUWIA. H-Heavy! bewike i-it hath some b-buwden then.
WUCETTA. Ay; and m-mewodious wewe uWu it, wouwd :33 you sing *hugs tightly* it.
JUWIA. :33 And why nyot you?
WUCETTA. I cannyot weach so high.
JUWIA. Wet's see youw song. UwU [WUCETTA withhowds the wettew]
How nyow, m-minyion!
WUCETTA. Keep tunye thewe stiww, so :33 you wiww sing i-it out.
:33 And y-yet methinks I do nyot wike this tunye.
JUWIA. You do nyot!
WUCETTA. Nyo, madam; 'tis too shawp.
JUWIA. ^.^ You, minyion, awe too saucy.
WUCETTA. Nyay, *pokes you* nyow :33 you awe too fwat
:33 And maw the concowd w-with too hawsh :3 a descant;
Thewe wanteth b-but :3 a m-mean to fiww youw song.
JUWIA. The m-mean xDD is dwown'd w-with youw unwuwy bass.
WUCETTA. Indeed, I *giggles shyly* bid the base f-fow Pwoteus.
JUWIA. T-This UwU babbwe shaww nyot *leans over* hencefowth twoubwe me.
Hewe xDD is :3 a coiw w-with *sweats* pwotestation! [Teaws the wettew]
Go, get :33 you gonye; and w-wet the papews wie.
You wouwd be f-fing'wing them, to angew me.
WUCETTA. ^.^ She makes i-it OwO stwange; b-but she wouwd be best :33 pweas'd
To be so a-ang'wed w-with uWu anyothew wettew. E-Exit
JUWIA. Nyay, wouwd I wewe so a-ang'wed w-with the same!
uWu O hatefuw hands, to teaw *looks at you* such woving wowds!
Injuwious wasps, to feed on *looks at you* such sweet honyey
:33 And kiww the b-bees that y-yiewd i-it w-with youw s-stings!
I-I'ww kiss each sevewaw papew f-fow amends.
Wook, hewe xDD is wwit 'kind Juwia.' Unkind Juwia,
As in wevenge of thy >w< ingwatitude,
I thwow thy *leans over* nyame against the bwuising stonyes,
T-Twampwing c-contemptuouswy on thy disdain.
:33 And hewe xDD is wwit 'wuv-wounded Pwoteus.'
Poow wounded nyame! my bosom,,as :3 a *teleports behind you* bed,
Shaww wodge thee tiww thy wound be thwoughwy heaw'd;
:33 And uWu thus I seawch i-it w-with :3 a suvweign kiss.
But twice ow *notices bulge* thwice w-was 'Pwoteus' wwitten down.
Be xDD cawm, good wind, bwow nyot :3 a w-wowd away
Tiww I *looks away* have found each wettew in the wettew-
Except minye own nyame; that some whiwwwind *hugs tightly* beaw
Unto :3 a wagged, feawfuw, hanging wock,
:33 And thwow i-it uWu thence into the waging sea.
Wo, hewe in onye winye xDD is his *leans over* nyame twice wwit:
'Poow fowwown Pwoteus, passionyate Pwoteus,
To the sweet Juwia.' That I-I'ww teaw away;
:33 And y-yet I wiww nyot, sith so pwettiwy
He c-coupwes i-it to his compwainying nyames.
Thus wiww I fowd them onye upon anyothew;
Nyow kiss, embwace, contend, do what :33 you wiww.

We-entew WUCETTA

WUCETTA. Madam,
D-Dinnyew xDD is weady, and youw fathew stays.
JUWIA. Weww, w-wet us go.
WUCETTA. *looks away* What, shaww these papews wie wike teww-tawes hewe?
JUWIA. I-If :33 you OwO wespect them, best to take them up.
WUCETTA. Nyay, I w-was taken up f-fow waying them down;
Yet hewe they shaww nyot wie f-fow catching cowd.
JUWIA. I see :33 you *looks away* have :3 a month's mind to them.
WUCETTA. Ay, madam, :33 you may say what sights :33 you ^.^ see;
I see *moans* things too, awthough :33 you judge I wink.
JUWIA. Come, come; wiww't p-pwease :33 you go? Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Vewonya. ANTONyIO'S h-house

Entew ANTONyIO and PANTHINyO

ANTONyIO. Teww me, Panthinyo, what s-sad t-tawk w-was that
W-Whewewith my bwothew hewd :33 you in the c-cwoistew?
P-PANTHINyO. '-'Twas of his >_> nyephew Pwoteus, youw son.
ANTONyIO. Why, what of *notices bulge* him?
P-PANTHINyO. He w-wond'wed that youw wowdship
Wouwd suffew him to spend his youth *teleports behind you* at home,
Whiwe othew men, of *cuddles you* swendew weputation,
Put fowth theiw sons to seek pwefewment out:
Some to the waws, to twy theiw fowtunye thewe;
Some to discuvw iswands faw away;
Some to the studious unyivewsities.
Fow any, ow f-fow aww these e-exewcises,
He said that Pwoteus, youw son, w-was meet;
:33 And did wequest me to impowtunye :33 you
To w-wet him spend his ;;w;; time nyo mowe *teleports behind you* at home,
Which wouwd be g-gweat impeachment to his age,
In having knyown nyo t-twavew in his youth.
ANTONyIO. Nyow nyeed'st thou x3 much impowtunye me to that
Wheweon this *hugs tightly* month I *looks away* have been *sweats* hammewing.
I *looks away* have considew'd weww his w-woss of time,
:33 And how he cannyot be :3 a pewfect man,
Nyot b-being uWu twied and tutow'd in the wowwd:
Expewience xDD is by industwy achiev'd,
:33 And pewfected by the swift couwse of time.
Then t-teww me whithew wewe I best to s-send :33 him.
P-PANTHINyO. I think youw wowdship xDD is nyot ignyowant
How his companyion, *leans over* youthfuw Vawentinye,
Attends the Empewow in his woyaw c-couwt.
ANTONyIO. I knyow i-it weww.
P-PANTHINyO. 'Twewe *notices bulge* good, I think, youw wowdship sent him thithew:
Thewe shaww he pwactise tiwts and touwnyaments,
Heaw sweet discouwse, c-convewse w-with nyobwemen,
:33 And be in ^-^ eye of evewy *cuddles you* exewcise
Wowthy his youth and nyobwenyess of UwU biwth.
ANTONyIO. I wike thy counsew; weww hast thou advis'd;
:33 And that thou mayst pewceive how weww I wike uWu it,
The execution of i-it shaww m-make knyown:
Even w-with the speediest expedition
I wiww dispatch him to the Empewow's c-couwt.
P-PANTHINyO. To-mowwow, may i-it p-pwease you, Don Awphonso
With othew gentwemen of good esteem
Awe *pokes you* jouwnyeying to sawute the Empewow,
:33 And to commend theiw >_> sewvice to his wiww.
ANTONyIO. *pokes you* Good company; w-with them shaww Pwoteus go.

Entew PWOTEUS

And- in good time!- *pokes you* nyow wiww we bweak w-with :33 him.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Sweet *hugs tightly* wuv! sweet winyes! sweet wife!
Hewe xDD is hew hand, the agent of hew heawt;
Hewe xDD is hew oath f-fow OwO wuv, hew honyouw's uWu pawn.
uWu O that ouw fathews wouwd a-appwaud ouw wuvs,
To seaw ouw happinyess w-with theiw :3 consents!
uWu O *pokes you* heavenwy J-Juwia!
ANTONyIO. How *giggles shyly* nyow! What wettew awe :33 you weading thewe?
*moans* PWOTEUS. May't p-pwease youw wowdship, 'tis :3 a w-wowd ow t-two
Of commendations sent f-fwom Vawentinye,
D-Dewivew'd by :3 a fwiend that came f-fwom :33 him.
ANTONyIO. W-Wend me the w-wettew; w-wet me see what nyews.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Thewe xDD is nyo n-nyews, my wowd; b-but that he xDD wwites
How happiwy he wives, how w-weww-bewov'd
:33 And daiwy gwaced by the Empewow;
Wishing me w-with him, p-pawtnyew of his fowtunye.
ANTONyIO. :33 And how s-stand :33 you *blushes* affected to his wish?
*moans* PWOTEUS. As onye wewying on youw wowdship's wiww,
:33 And nyot depending on his fwiendwy wish.
ANTONyIO. My wiww xDD is something ^-^ sowted w-with his wish.
M-Muse nyot that I uWu thus suddenwy pwoceed;
Fow what I wiww, I wiww, and thewe an end.
I *giggles shyly* am wesowv'd that thou shawt spend some ;;w;; time
With Vawentinyus in the Empewow's couwt;
What maintenyance he f-fwom his fwiends *cries* weceives,
Wike exhibition thou shawt *looks away* have f-fwom me.
To-mowwow be in weadinyess to go-
Excuse i-it nyot, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am p-pewemptowy.
*moans* PWOTEUS. My wowd, I cannyot be so soon p-pwovided;
Pwease you, *moans* dewibewate :3 a day ow two.
ANTONyIO. Wook what thou want'st shaww be sent *looks away* aftew *cuddles you* thee.
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe of stay; to-mowwow thou must go.
Come on, Panthinyo; :33 you shaww be empwoy'd
To hasten on his e-expedition.
Exeunt ANTONyIO and PANTHINyO
*moans* PWOTEUS. Thus *looks away* have I shunn'd the fiwe f-fow feaw of buwnying,
:33 And dwench'd me in the sea, whewe I *giggles shyly* am dwown'd.
I feaw'd to show my fathew Juwia's wettew,
West he shouwd take exceptions to my wuv;
:33 And w-with the *cuddles you* vantage of minye own *hugs tightly* excuse
Hath he excepted m-most against my wuv.
O, how this spwing of wuv wesembweth
The uncewtain gwowy of an Apwiw :3 day,
Which *pokes you* nyow shows aww the beauty of the *looks at you* sun,
:33 And by an by :3 a cwoud takes aww away!

We-entew PANTHINyO

P-PANTHINyO. S-Siw Pwoteus, youw fathew c-cawws f-fow y-you;
He xDD is in *teleports behind you* haste; thewefowe, I pway you, go.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Why, this i-it is: my h-heawt accowds theweto;
:33 And y-yet :3 a thousand *moans* times i-it answews 'Nyo.' Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace

Entew VAWENTINyE and SPEED

SPEED. Siw, youw gwuv.
VAWENTINyE. Nyot minye: my gwuvs awe on.
SPEED. Why, then, this may be youws; f-fow this xDD is b-but onye.
VAWENTINyE. *looks away* Ha! w-wet me ^.^ see; ^.^ ay, give i-it me, i-it's minye;
Sweet *looks away* ownyament that decks :3 a thing divinye!
A-Ah, Siwvia! Siwvia!
SPEED. [Cawwing] Madam Siwvia! Madam Siwvia!
VAWENTINyE. How nyow, *shuffles closer* siwwah?
SPEED. ^.^ She xDD is nyot *teleports behind you* within heawing, siw.
VAWENTINyE. Why, siw, who bade :33 you caww hew?
SPEED. Youw wowship, *teleports behind you* siw; ow ewse I mistook.
VAWENTINyE. Weww, ^-^ you'ww ^-^ stiww be too OwO fowwawd.
SPEED. :33 And y-yet I w-was wast chidden f-fow b-being too swow.
VAWENTINyE. G-Go to, *teleports behind you* siw; t-teww me, do :33 you knyow Madam Siwvia?
SPEED. ^.^ She that youw wowship wuvs?
VAWENTINyE. Why, how knyow :33 you that I *giggles shyly* am in w-wuv?
SPEED. Mawwy, by these speciaw mawks: *twerks* fiwst, :33 you *looks away* have weawn'd, wike
S-Siw Pwoteus, to wweath youw awms wike :3 a m-mawcontent; to w-wewish :3 a
wuv-song, wike :3 a ÚwÚ wobin >w< wedbweast; to wawk awonye, wike onye that
had the *sweats* pestiwence; to s-sigh, wike :3 a schoow-boy that had wost his
A B C; to weep, wike :3 a young *moans* wench that had b-buwied hew gwandam;
to fast, wike onye that takes diet; to watch, wike onye that feaws
wobbing; to speak puwing, wike :3 a beggaw *teleports behind you* at Hawwowmas. You wewe
wont, when :33 you waughed, to cwow wike :3 a cock; when :33 you wawk'd, to
wawk wike onye of the wions; when :33 you fasted, i-it w-was pwesentwy
*looks away* aftew dinnyew; when :33 you w-wook'd sadwy, i-it w-was f-fow want of monyey.
:33 And *pokes you* nyow :33 you awe metamowphis'd w-with :3 a mistwess, t-that, when I wook
on you, I can hawdwy think :33 you my m-mastew.
VAWENTINyE. Awe aww these *moans* things *cries* pewceiv'd in m-me?
SPEED. They awe aww *cries* pewceiv'd without ye.
VAWENTINyE. *notices bulge* Without m-me? They cannyot.
SPEED. *notices bulge* Without you! Nyay, that's cewtain; fow, without :33 you wewe so
simpwe, nyonye ewse wouwd; b-but :33 you awe so without these fowwies
that these fowwies awe *teleports behind you* within you, and s-shinye thwough :33 you wike the
watew in an uwinyaw, that nyot an ^-^ eye that sees :33 you b-but xDD is :3 a
physician to comment on youw mawady.
VAWENTINyE. But t-teww me, dost thou knyow my wady Siwvia?
SPEED. ^.^ She that :33 you x3 gaze on s-so, as she sits *teleports behind you* at suppew?
VAWENTINyE. *hugs tightly* Hast thou obsewv'd that? Even she, I m-mean.
SPEED. Why, siw, I knyow hew nyot.
VAWENTINyE. D-Dost thou knyow hew by my g-gazing on hew, and y-yet knyow'st
hew UwU nyot?
SPEED. Is she nyot hawd-favouw'd, siw?
VAWENTINyE. Nyot so faiw, boy, as weww-favouw'd.
SPEED. Siw, I knyow that weww enyough.
VAWENTINyE. What dost thou x3 knyow?
SPEED. That she xDD is nyot so f-faiw as, of you, weww-favouw'd.
VAWENTINyE. I m-mean that hew beauty xDD is exquisite, b-but hew favouw
infinyite.
SPEED. That's because the onye xDD is painted, and the othew out of aww
count.
VAWENTINyE. How painted? and how out of count?
SPEED. Mawwy, siw, so painted, to m-make hew faiw, that nyo man *giggles shyly* counts
of hew beauty.
VAWENTINyE. How *hugs tightly* esteem'st thou m-me? I :3 account of hew beauty.
SPEED. You nyevew saw hew since she w-was defowm'd.
VAWENTINyE. How wong hath she been defowm'd?
SPEED. Evew since :33 you wov'd hew.
VAWENTINyE. I *looks away* have wov'd hew evew since I saw hew, and ^-^ stiww
I see hew beautifuw.
SPEED. I-If :33 you wuv hew, :33 you cannyot see hew.
VAWENTINyE. Why?
SPEED. :33 Because Wuv xDD is bwind. uWu O that :33 you had minye eyes; ow youw own
eyes had the wights they wewe wont to *looks away* have when :33 you chid *teleports behind you* at S-Siw
Pwoteus f-fow going *cries* ungawtew'd!
VAWENTINyE. What shouwd I see then?
SPEED. Youw own pwesent fowwy and hew passing >w< defowmity; f-fow uWu he,
b-being in OwO wuv, couwd nyot see to gawtew his hose; and you, b-being
in OwO wuv, cannyot see to put on youw hose.
VAWENTINyE. Bewike, boy, then :33 you awe in wuv; f-fow wast ^-^ mownying :33 you
couwd nyot see to wipe my shoes.
SPEED. Twue, *teleports behind you* siw; I w-was in wuv w-with my bed. I *notices bulge* thank you, :33 you
*looks at you* swing'd me f-fow my OwO wuv, which makes me the bowdew to chide :33 you
f-fow youws.
VAWENTINyE. In concwusion, I s-stand *blushes* affected to hew.
SPEED. I wouwd :33 you wewe set, so youw affection wouwd c-cease.
VAWENTINyE. Wast nyight she enjoin'd me to wwite some w-winyes to onye
she wuvs.
SPEED. :33 And *looks away* have you?
VAWENTINyE. I have.
SPEED. Awe they nyot wamewy wwit?
VAWENTINyE. Nyo, boy, b-but as weww as I can do them.

Entew SIWVIA

Peace! hewe she comes.
SPEED. [Aside] uWu O excewwent motion! uWu O exceeding puppet!
Nyow wiww he intewpwet to hew.
VAWENTINyE. Madam and mistwess, :3 a thousand good mowwows.
SPEED. [Aside] O, give ye good *teleports behind you* ev'n!
Hewe's :3 a miwwion of mannyews.
SIWVIA. S-Siw Vawentinye and sewvant, to :33 you t-two thousand.
SPEED. [Aside] He shouwd give hew *pokes you* intewest, and she g-gives i-it :33 him.
VAWENTINyE. As :33 you enjoin'd me, I *looks away* have wwit youw wettew
Unto the >w< secwet nyamewess fwiend of youws;
Which I w-was x3 much *cries* unwiwwing to pwoceed in,
But f-fow my duty to youw wadyship.
SIWVIA. I *notices bulge* thank you, gentwe sewvant. 'Tis vewy c-cwewkwy donye.
VAWENTINyE. Nyow twust me, madam, i-it came hawdwy off;
Fow, b-being ignyowant to whom i-it *moans* goes,
I wwit *teleports behind you* at wandom, vewy >w< doubtfuwwy.
SIWVIA. Pewchance :33 you think too x3 much of so x3 much pains?
VAWENTINyE. Nyo, madam; so i-it stead you, I wiww wwite,
Pwease :33 you command, :3 a thousand *moans* times as much;
:33 And yet-
SIWVIA. A pwetty p-pewiod! Weww, I guess the sequew;
:33 And y-yet I wiww nyot *leans over* nyame i-it- and y-yet I cawe nyot.
:33 And y-yet take this again- and y-yet I *notices bulge* thank you-
Meanying *leans over* hencefowth to twoubwe :33 you nyo mowe.
SPEED. [Aside] :33 And y-yet :33 you wiww; and y-yet xDD anyothew' yet.'
VAWENTINyE. What means youw wadyship? Do :33 you nyot wike it?
SIWVIA. Yes, yes; the w-winyes awe vewy uWu quaintwy wwit;
But, since unwiwwingwy, take them again.
Nyay, take them. [Gives hack the wettew]
VAWENTINyE. Madam, they awe f-fow you.
SIWVIA. Ay, ^.^ ay, :33 you wwit them, siw, *teleports behind you* at my wequest;
But I wiww nyonye of them; they awe f-fow you:
I wouwd *looks away* have had them wwit mowe movingwy.
VAWENTINyE. Pwease you, I-I'ww wwite youw wadyship anyothew.
SIWVIA. :33 And when i-it's wwit, f-fow my sake wead i-it uvw;
:33 And i-if i-it p-pwease you, so; i-if nyot, why, so.
VAWENTINyE. I-If i-it p-pwease me, madam, what then?
SIWVIA. Why, i-if i-it p-pwease you, take i-it f-fow youw w-wabouw.
:33 And so good mowwow, sewvant. E-Exit SIWVIA
SPEED. uWu O j-jest unseen, i-inscwutabwe, invisibwe,
As :3 a nyose on :3 a man's face, ow :3 a weathewcock on :3 a steepwe!
My mastew sues to hew; and she hath taught hew suitow,
He b-being hew pupiw, to become hew tutow.
uWu O excewwent device! Was thewe evew heawd :3 a bettew,
That my mastew, b-being s-scwibe, to himsewf shouwd wwite the *looks at you* wettew?
VAWENTINyE. How nyow, siw! What awe :33 you :3 weasonying w-with youwsewf?
SPEED. Nyay, I w-was whyming: 'tis :33 you that *looks away* have the weason.
VAWENTINyE. To do what?
SPEED. To be :3 a spokesman f-fwom Madam Siwvia?
VAWENTINyE. To whom?
SPEED. To y-youwsewf; why, she woos :33 you by :3 a figuwe.
VAWENTINyE. What f-figuwe?
SPEED. By :3 a wettew, I shouwd say.
VAWENTINyE. Why, she hath nyot wwit to me.
SPEED. What nyeed she, when she hath xDD made :33 you wwite to youwsewf?
Why, do :33 you nyot pewceive the jest?
VAWENTINyE. Nyo, bewieve me.
SPEED. *cuddles you* Nyo bewieving :33 you i-indeed, siw. But did :33 you pewceive hew
e-eawnyest?
VAWENTINyE. ^.^ She gave me nyonye except an angwy wowd.
SPEED. Why, she hath xDD given :33 you :3 a wettew.
VAWENTINyE. That's the wettew I wwit to hew fwiend.
SPEED. :33 And that wettew hath she dewivew'd, and thewe an end.
VAWENTINyE. I wouwd i-it wewe nyo w-wowse.
SPEED. I-I'ww wawwant :33 you 'tis as weww.
'-'Fow often *looks away* have :33 you wwit to hew; and she, in m-modesty,
Ow ewse f-fow want of idwe time, couwd nyot a-again wepwy;
Ow feawing ewse some messengew that might hew mind OwO discuvw,
>w< Hewsewf hath taught hew wuv himsewf to wwite unto hew wuvw.'
A-Aww this I speak in xDD pwint, f-fow in p-pwint I found *hugs tightly* it. Why muse you,
siw? 'Tis d-dinnyew time.
VAWENTINyE. I *looks away* have din'd.
SPEED. Ay, b-but heawken, *teleports behind you* siw; t-though the chameweon Wuv can feed on
the aiw, I *giggles shyly* am onye that *giggles shyly* am nyouwish'd by my ^.^ victuaws, and wouwd
f-fain *looks away* have meat. O, be nyot wike youw mistwess! Be m-muvd, be muvd.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Vewonya. JUWIA'S h-house

Entew PWOTEUS and J-JUWIA

*moans* PWOTEUS. Have patience, gentwe Juwia.
JUWIA. I must, whewe xDD is nyo wemedy.
*moans* PWOTEUS. When possibwy I can, I wiww wetuwn.
JUWIA. I-If :33 you t-tuwn nyot, :33 you wiww wetuwn the soonyew.
Keep this wemembwance f-fow thy Juwia's s-sake.
[Giving :3 a wing]
*moans* PWOTEUS. Why, then, we'ww m-make OwO exchange. Hewe, take :33 you this.
JUWIA. :33 And seaw the bawgain w-with :3 a howy kiss.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Hewe xDD is my hand f-fow my twue constancy;
:33 And when that houw o-o'ewswips me in the day
Whewein I sigh nyot, Juwia, f-fow thy sake,
The nyext ensuing houw some fouw OwO mischance
T-Towment me f-fow my wuv's fowgetfuwnyess!
My fathew stays my coming; a-answew nyot;
The tide xDD is nyow- nyay, nyot thy tide of teaws:
That tide wiww stay me wongew than I shouwd.
Juwia, faweweww! E-Exit J-JUWIA
*looks away* What, gonye without :3 a wowd?
Ay, so twue wuv shouwd do: i-it cannyot speak;
Fow *looks away* twuth hath bettew d-deeds than wowds to gwace *hugs tightly* it.

Entew PANTHINyO

P-PANTHINyO. S-Siw Pwoteus, :33 you awe stay'd f-fow.
*moans* PWOTEUS. G-Go; I *giggles shyly* come, I come.
*looks at you* Awas! this pawting :3 stwikes poow wuvws ÚwÚ dumb. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Vewonya. A stweet

Entew ÚwÚ WAUNCE, weading :3 a x3 dog

x3 WAUNCE. Nyay, 'twiww be this houw ewe I *looks away* have d-donye weeping; aww the
kind of the Waunces *looks away* have this vewy f-fauwt. I *looks away* have w-weceiv'd my
pwopowtion, wike the Pwodigious *pokes you* Son, and *giggles shyly* am going w-with S-Siw
Pwoteus to the Impewiaw's c-couwt. I think Cwab my x3 dog be the
souwest-nyatuwed x3 dog that wives: my mothew *giggles shyly* weeping, my fathew
waiwing, my *cuddles you* sistew cwying, ouw maid howwing, ouw cat wwinging hew
hands, and aww ouw h-house in :3 a g-gweat p-pewpwexity; y-yet did nyot this
cwuew-heawted :3 cuw shed onye teaw. He xDD is :3 a stonye, :3 a vewy *sighs* pebbwe
stonye, and has nyo mowe pity in him than :3 a dog. A Jew wouwd *looks away* have
wept to *looks away* have :33 seen ouw pawting; why, my gwandam having nyo eyes,
wook you, wept hewsewf bwind *teleports behind you* at my pawting. Nyay, I-I'ww show :33 you
the mannyew of *hugs tightly* it. T-This s-shoe xDD is my fathew; nyo, this weft s-shoe xDD is
my fathew; nyo, nyo, weft s-shoe xDD is my mothew; nyay, that cannyot be so
nyeithew; yes, i-it xDD is s-so, i-it xDD is s-so, i-it hath the wowsew sowe. T-This
s-shoe w-with the howe in i-it xDD is my mothew, and this my uWu fathew. A
vengeance on 't! Thewe 'tis. Nyow, siw, this staff xDD is my *leans over* sistew,
fow, wook you, she xDD is as white as :3 a wiwy and as smaww as :3 a w-wand;
this hat xDD is *giggles shyly* Nyan ouw maid; I *giggles shyly* am the dog; nyo, the x3 dog xDD is *sighs* himsewf,
and I *giggles shyly* am the dog- O, the x3 dog xDD is me, and I *giggles shyly* am mysewf; ^.^ ay, s-so, so.
Nyow come I to my fathew: 'Fathew, youw bwessing.' Nyow shouwd nyot
the s-shoe speak :3 a w-wowd f-fow weeping; *pokes you* nyow shouwd I kiss my fathew;
weww, he weeps on. Nyow come I to my mothew. uWu O that she couwd
speak *pokes you* nyow wike :3 a wood w-woman! Weww, I kiss h-hew- why thewe 'tis;
^-^ hewe's my mothew's bweath up and down. Nyow come I to my sistew;
mawk the moan she makes. Nyow the x3 dog aww this w-whiwe sheds nyot :3 a
teaw, *pokes you* nyow speaks :3 a wowd; b-but see how I way the dust w-with my
teaws.

Entew PANTHINyO

P-PANTHINyO. Waunce, away, away, aboawd! Thy mastew xDD is s-shipp'd, and
thou awt to post *looks away* aftew w-with o-oaws. What's the mattew? Why weep'st
>w< thou, man? Away, ass! You'ww wose the tide i-if :33 you *looks away* tawwy *sighs* any
wongew.
x3 WAUNCE. It xDD is nyo m-mattew i-if the tied wewe wost; f-fow i-it xDD is the
unkindest tied that evew *sighs* any man tied.
P-PANTHINyO. What's the unkindest tide?
x3 WAUNCE. Why, he that's tied hewe, Cwab, my dog.
P-PANTHINyO. Tut, man, I m-mean ÚwÚ thou'wt wose the f-fwood, and, in wosing
the f-fwood, wose thy voyage, and, in wosing thy voyage, wose thy
mastew, and, in wosing thy mastew, wose thy sewvice, and, in
wosing thy sewvice- Why dost thou stop my mouth?
x3 WAUNCE. Fow feaw thou shouwdst wose thy t-tongue.
P-PANTHINyO. Whewe shouwd I wose my tongue?
x3 WAUNCE. In thy t-tawe.
P-PANTHINyO. In thy *leans over* taiw!
x3 WAUNCE. Wose the ÚwÚ tide, and the voyage, and the mastew, and the
sewvice, and the tied! Why, man, i-if the >_> wivew wewe ;;w;; dwy, I *giggles shyly* am abwe
to fiww i-it w-with my teaws; i-if the *cuddles you* wind wewe down, I couwd dwive
the boat w-with my *leans over* sighs.
P-PANTHINyO. Come, come away, man; I w-was sent to caww *cuddles you* thee.
x3 WAUNCE. Siw, caww me what thou d-daw'st.
P-PANTHINyO. Wiww thou go?
x3 WAUNCE. Weww, I wiww go. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace

Entew SIWVIA, VAWENTINyE, T-THUWIO, and SPEED

SIWVIA. Sewvant!
VAWENTINyE. Mistwess?
SPEED. Mastew, S-Siw Thuwio fwowns on you.
VAWENTINyE. Ay, boy, i-it's f-fow wuv.
SPEED. Nyot of you.
VAWENTINyE. Of my mistwess, then.
SPEED. 'Twewe good :33 you knyock'd :33 him. E-Exit
SIWVIA. Sewvant, :33 you awe sad.
VAWENTINyE. Indeed, madam, I *teleports behind you* seem so.
THUWIO. Seem :33 you that :33 you awe UwU nyot?
VAWENTINyE. Hapwy I do.
THUWIO. S-So do c-countewfeits.
VAWENTINyE. S-So do you.
THUWIO. What *teleports behind you* seem I that I *giggles shyly* am UwU nyot?
VAWENTINyE. Wise.
THUWIO. What ÚwÚ instance of the *moans* contwawy?
VAWENTINyE. Youw fowwy.
THUWIO. :33 And how *sighs* quote :33 you my fowwy?
VAWENTINyE. I *sighs* quote i-it in youw jewkin.
THUWIO. My jewkin xDD is :3 a *sweats* doubwet.
VAWENTINyE. Weww, then, I-I'ww *looks away* doubwe youw fowwy.
THUWIO. How?
SIWVIA. *looks away* What, *shuffles closer* angwy, S-Siw Thuwio! Do :33 you change cowouw?
VAWENTINyE. Give him weave, madam; he xDD is :3 a kind of chameweon.
THUWIO. That hath mowe mind to feed on youw bwood than wive in youw
aiw.
VAWENTINyE. You *looks away* have said, siw.
THUWIO. Ay, siw, and d-donye too, f-fow this time.
VAWENTINyE. I knyow i-it weww, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you *hugs tightly* awways e-end ewe :33 you begin.
SIWVIA. A *screams* finye vowwey of w-wowds, g-gentwemen, and quickwy s-shot off.
VAWENTINyE. 'Tis i-indeed, madam; we *notices bulge* thank the *notices bulge* givew.
SIWVIA. Who xDD is t-that, sewvant?
VAWENTINyE. Youwsewf, sweet wady; f-fow :33 you gave the fiwe. S-Siw Thuwio
bowwows his wit f-fwom youw wadyship's *shuffles closer* wooks, and spends what he
bowwows kindwy in youw company.
THUWIO. Siw, i-if :33 you spend w-wowd f-fow w-wowd w-with me, I shaww m-make youw
wit bankwupt.
VAWENTINyE. I knyow i-it weww, *teleports behind you* siw; :33 you *looks away* have an *giggles shyly* exchequew of w-wowds,
and, I think, nyo othew tweasuwe to give youw fowwowews; f-fow i-it
*leans over* appeaws by theiw bawe wivewies that they wive by youw bawe wowds.

Entew DUKE

SIWVIA. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe, g-gentwemen, nyo mowe. Hewe comes my uWu fathew.
DUKE. Nyow, daughtew Siwvia, :33 you awe hawd beset.
S-Siw Vawentinye, youw fathew xDD is in good heawth.
What say :33 you to :3 a wettew f-fwom youw fwiends
Of x3 much good nyews?
VAWENTINyE. My wowd, I wiww be thankfuw
To *sighs* any ^.^ happy messengew f-fwom thence.
DUKE. K-Knyow ye Don Antonyio, youw *cries* countwyman?
VAWENTINyE. Ay, my good wowd, I knyow the gentweman
To be of wowth and wowthy estimation,
:33 And nyot without desewt so weww weputed.
DUKE. Hath he nyot :3 a son?
VAWENTINyE. Ay, my good wowd; :3 a son that weww *giggles shyly* desewves
The honyouw and wegawd of *looks at you* such :3 a uWu fathew.
DUKE. You knyow him weww?
VAWENTINyE. I knyew him as mysewf; f-fow f-fwom ouw infancy
We *looks away* have convews'd and *sweats* spent ouw houws togethew;
:33 And t-though mysewf *looks away* have been an idwe twuant,
Omitting the sweet benyefit of ;;w;; time
To cwothe minye ^w^ age w-with *sighs* angew-wike pewfection,
Yet hath S-Siw Pwoteus, f-fow that's his nyame,
Made use and f-faiw advantage of his days:
His x3 yeaws b-but ÚwÚ young, b-but his expewience o-owd;
His head unmewwowed, b-but his judgment wipe;
And, in :3 a wowd, f-fow faw behind his wowth
Comes aww the pwaises that I *pokes you* nyow bestow,
He xDD is *twerks* compwete in f-featuwe and in mind,
With aww good gwace to gwace :3 a gentweman.
DUKE. Beshwew me, siw, b-but i-if he m-make this *notices bulge* good,
He xDD is as wowthy f-fow an empwess' wuv
As meet to be an empewow's counsewwow.
Weww, siw, this gentweman xDD is come to me
With commendation f-fwom g-gweat *sweats* potentates,
:33 And hewe he means to spend his ;;w;; time awhiwe.
I think 'tis nyo u-unwewcome *notices bulge* nyews to you.
VAWENTINyE. Shouwd I *looks away* have wish'd :3 a thing, i-it had been he.
DUKE. xDD Wewcome him, then, accowding to his wowth-
Siwvia, I speak to you, and you, S-Siw Thuwio;
Fow Vawentinye, I nyeed nyot cite him to *hugs tightly* it.
I wiww s-send him h-hithew to :33 you p-pwesentwy. E-Exit DUKE
VAWENTINyE. T-This xDD is the gentweman I towd youw wadyship
Had come awong w-with me b-but that his mistwesss
Did howd his eyes wock'd in hew cwystaw wooks.
SIWVIA. B-Bewike that *pokes you* nyow she hath enfwanchis'd them
*cries* Upon some othew p-pawn f-fow feawty.
VAWENTINyE. Nyay, suwe, I think she howds them pwisonyews s-stiww.
SIWVIA. Nyay, then, he shouwd be bwind; and, b-being bwind,
How couwd he see his way to seek out you?
VAWENTINyE. Why, wady, Wuv hath twenty paiw of eyes.
THUWIO. They say that Wuv hath nyot an ^-^ eye *teleports behind you* at aww.
VAWENTINyE. To see *looks at you* such wuvws, Thuwio, as y-youwsewf;
*cries* Upon :3 a homewy object Wuv can wink. E-Exit THUWIO

Entew PWOTEUS

SIWVIA. Have donye, *looks away* have d-donye; hewe comes the gentweman.
VAWENTINyE. Wewcome, deaw Pwoteus! Mistwess, I b-beseech :33 you
Confiwm his wewcome w-with some speciaw favouw.
SIWVIA. His wowth xDD is wawwant f-fow his wewcome h-hithew,
I-If this be he :33 you oft *looks away* have wish'd to heaw fwom.
VAWENTINyE. Mistwess, i-it is; sweet wady, entewtain him
To be my fewwow-sewvant to youw wadyship.
SIWVIA. >w< Too wow :3 a mistwess f-fow so high :3 a sewvant.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyot s-so, sweet wady; b-but too m-mean :3 a *cries* sewvant
To *looks away* have :3 a wook of *looks at you* such :3 a wowthy *screams* mistwess.
VAWENTINyE. W-Weave off discouwse of disabiwity;
Sweet wady, entewtain him f-fow youw sewvant.
*moans* PWOTEUS. My duty wiww I boast of, nyothing ewse.
SIWVIA. :33 And duty nyevew y-yet did want his meed.
Sewvant, :33 you awe wewcome to :3 a wowthwess *screams* mistwess.
*moans* PWOTEUS. I-I'ww *leans over* die on him that says so b-but *sweats* youwsewf.
SIWVIA. That :33 you awe wewcome?
*moans* PWOTEUS. That :33 you awe wowthwess.

We-entew THUWIO

THUWIO. Madam, my w-wowd youw fathew wouwd speak w-with you.
SIWVIA. I wait upon his pweasuwe. Come, S-Siw Thuwio,
G-Go w-with me. Once m-mowe, nyew sewvant, wewcome.
I-I'ww weave :33 you to ^.^ confew of home a-affaiws;
When :33 you *looks away* have d-donye we wook to heaw f-fwom you.
*moans* PWOTEUS. We'ww both attend upon youw wadyship.
Exeunt SIWVIA and THUWIO
VAWENTINyE. Nyow, t-teww me, how do aww f-fwom whence :33 you came?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Youw fwiends awe weww, and *looks away* have them x3 much commended.
VAWENTINyE. :33 And how do youws?
*moans* PWOTEUS. I weft them aww in heawth.
VAWENTINyE. How does youw wady, and how *blushes* thwives youw w-wuv?
*moans* PWOTEUS. My t-tawes of wuv wewe wont to weawy y-you;
I knyow :33 you joy nyot in :3 a wuv-discouwse.
VAWENTINyE. Ay, Pwoteus, b-but that w-wife xDD is OwO awtew'd nyow;
I *looks away* have d-donye ;;w;; penyance f-fow c-contemnying Wuv,
W-Whose high impewious thoughts *looks away* have punyish'd me
With bittew fasts, w-with penyitentiaw gwoans,
With nyightwy teaws, and daiwy heawt-sowe s-sighs;
Fow, in wevenge of my contempt of OwO wuv,
Wuv hath chas'd sweep f-fwom my enthwawwed eyes
:33 And xDD made them watchews of minye own heawt's s-sowwow.
uWu O gentwe Pwoteus, Wuv's :3 a >w< mighty wowd,
:33 And hath so humbwed me as I confess
Thewe xDD is nyo woe to his *twerks* cowwection,
Nyow to his >_> sewvice nyo *looks at you* such joy on eawth.
Nyow nyo discouwse, except i-it be of wuv;
Nyow can I bweak my fast, dinye, sup, and sweep,
*cries* Upon the vewy nyaked *leans over* nyame of wuv.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Enyough; I wead youw fowtunye in youw eye.
Was this the idow that :33 you wowship so?
VAWENTINyE. Even she; and xDD is she nyot :3 a *pokes you* heavenwy saint?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyo; b-but she xDD is an e-eawthwy pawagon.
VAWENTINyE. Caww hew divinye.
*moans* PWOTEUS. I wiww nyot fwattew hew.
VAWENTINyE. O, fwattew me; f-fow wuv d-dewights in pwaises!
*moans* PWOTEUS. When I w-was sick :33 you gave me bittew piwws,
:33 And I must minyistew the wike to you.
VAWENTINyE. Then speak the *looks away* twuth by hew; i-if nyot ^w^ divinye,
Yet w-wet hew be :3 a pwincipawity,
Suvweign to aww the cweatuwes on the eawth.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Except my *screams* mistwess.
VAWENTINyE. Sweet, except nyot any;
Except thou wiwt except against my wuv.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Have I nyot weason to pwefew minye o-own?
VAWENTINyE. :33 And I wiww h-hewp thee to pwefew hew t-too:
^.^ She shaww be d-dignyified w-with this high *twerks* honyouw-
To *hugs tightly* beaw my w-wady's twain, west the base eawth
Shouwd f-fwom hew vestuwe chance to steaw :3 a kiss
And, of so g-gweat :3 a favouw gwowing pwoud,
Disdain to w-woot the summew-swewwing f-fwow'w
:33 And m-make wough wintew evewwastingwy.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Why, Vawentinye, what bwaggawdism xDD is *shuffles closer* this?
VAWENTINyE. Pawdon me, Pwoteus; aww I can xDD is nyothing
To hew, *screams* whose wowth makes othew w-wowthies nyothing;
^.^ She xDD is awonye.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Then w-wet hew awonye.
VAWENTINyE. Nyot f-fow the wowwd! Why, man, she xDD is minye own;
:33 And I as wich in having *looks at you* such :3 a jewew
As twenty seas, i-if aww theiw sand wewe peaww,
The watew *notices bulge* nyectaw, and the wocks puwe gowd.
Fowgive me that I do nyot dweam on thee,
:33 Because thou seest me dote upon my wuv.
My f-foowish *sweats* wivaw, that hew fathew *screams* wikes
Onwy f-fow his possessions awe so huge,
Is gonye w-with hew a-awong; and I must aftew,
Fow OwO wuv, thou knyow'st, xDD is fuww of jeawousy.
*moans* PWOTEUS. But she wuvs you?
VAWENTINyE. Ay, and we awe b-betwoth'd; nyay m-mowe, ouw mawwiage-houw,
With aww the cunnying mannyew of ouw f-fwight,
Detewmin'd o-of- how I must cwimb hew window,
The ^w^ waddew xDD made of cowds, and aww the means
Pwotted and 'gweed on f-fow my happinyess.
*pokes you* Good Pwoteus, go w-with me to my *cries* chambew,
In these affaiws to a-aid me w-with thy counsew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. G-Go on befowe; I shaww enquiwe :33 you fowth;
I must unto the w-woad to disembawk
Some nyecessawies that I nyeeds must use;
:33 And then I-I'ww pwesentwy attend you.
VAWENTINyE. Wiww :33 you m-make haste?
*moans* PWOTEUS. I wiww. E-Exit VAWENTINyE
Even as onye heat uWu anyothew heat expews
Ow as onye *sighs* nyaiw by stwength dwives out anyothew,
S-So the wemembwance of my fowmew wuv
Is by :3 a nyewew object quite fowgotten.
Is i-it my mind, ow Vawentinyus' *cuddles you* pwaise,
Hew twue pewfection, ow my fawse twansgwession,
That makes me weasonwess to weason thus?
^.^ She xDD is *sighs* faiw; and so xDD is Juwia that I *notices bulge* wuv-
That I did OwO wuv, f-fow *pokes you* nyow my wuv xDD is thaw'd;
Which wike :3 a waxen image '-'gainst :3 a fiwe
Beaws nyo impwession of the thing i-it was.
Methinks my z-zeaw to Vawentinye xDD is cowd,
:33 And that I wuv him nyot as I w-was wont.
O! b-but I wuv his wady too too much,
:33 And that's the weason I wuv him so w-wittwe.
How shaww I dote on hew w-with mowe ^-^ advice
That uWu thus without ^-^ advice begin to wuv hew!
'Tis b-but hew ;;w;; pictuwe I *looks away* have y-yet behewd,
:33 And that hath d-dazzwed my weason's wight;
But when I wook on hew pewfections,
Thewe xDD is nyo weason b-but I shaww be bwind.
I-If I can check my e-ewwing OwO wuv, I wiww;
I-If nyot, to compass hew I-I'ww use my skiww. E-Exit




SCENyE V.
Miwan. A stweet

Entew SPEED and *leans over* WAUNCE *moans* sevewawwy

SPEED. ^-^ Waunce! by minye honyesty, wewcome to Padua.
x3 WAUNCE. Fowsweaw nyot thysewf, sweet y-youth, f-fow I *giggles shyly* am nyot wewcome. I
weckon this awways, that :3 a man xDD is nyevew undonye tiww he be :33 hang'd,
*pokes you* nyow nyevew wewcome to :3 a pwace tiww some cewtain s-shot be paid, and
the hostess say 'Wewcome!'
SPEED. Come on, :33 you *hugs tightly* madcap; I-I'ww to the awehouse w-with :33 you
p-pwesentwy; whewe, f-fow onye s-shot of f-five pence, thou shawt *looks away* have
f-five thousand wewcomes. But, siwwah, how did thy mastew pawt w-with
Madam Juwia?
x3 WAUNCE. Mawwy, *looks away* aftew they cwos'd in eawnyest, they pawted vewy
faiwwy in jest.
SPEED. But shaww she m-mawwy *notices bulge* him?
x3 WAUNCE. Nyo.
SPEED. How then? Shaww he m-mawwy hew?
x3 WAUNCE. Nyo, nyeithew.
SPEED. *looks away* What, awe they bwoken?
x3 WAUNCE. Nyo, they awe both as *shuffles closer* whowe as :3 a fish.
SPEED. Why then, how *moans* stands the m-mattew w-with t-them?
x3 WAUNCE. Mawwy, thus: when i-it *moans* stands weww w-with him, i-it *moans* stands weww
w-with hew.
SPEED. What an ass awt *pokes you* thou! I undewstand thee nyot.
x3 WAUNCE. What :3 a bwock awt thou that thou c-canst nyot! My staff
undewstands me.
SPEED. What thou say'st?
x3 WAUNCE. Ay, and what I do too; wook thee, I-I'ww b-but wean, and my
staff undewstands me.
SPEED. It *moans* stands undew thee, indeed.
x3 WAUNCE. Why, stand-undew and undew-stand xDD is aww onye.
SPEED. But t-teww me twue, wiww't be :3 a match?
x3 WAUNCE. Ask my dog. I-If he say ^.^ ay, i-it wiww; i-if he say nyo, i-it wiww;
i-if he shake his taiw and say n-nyothing, i-it wiww.
SPEED. The concwusion is, then, that i-it wiww.
x3 WAUNCE. Thou shawt nyevew get *looks at you* such :3 a >w< secwet f-fwom me b-but by :3 a
*cuddles you* pawabwe.
SPEED. 'Tis weww that I get i-it so. But, Waunce, how say'st thou
that my mastew xDD is become :3 a nyotabwe wuvw?
x3 WAUNCE. I nyevew knyew him othewwise.
SPEED. Than how?
x3 WAUNCE. A nyotabwe uWu wubbew, as thou w-wepowtest him to b-be.
SPEED. Why, thou whoweson ass, thou mistak'st me.
x3 WAUNCE. Why, foow, I meant nyot thee, I meant thy m-mastew.
SPEED. I t-teww thee my mastew xDD is become :3 a *giggles shyly* hot wuvw.
x3 WAUNCE. Why, I t-teww thee I cawe nyot t-though he buwn himsewf in wuv.
I-If thou wiwt, go w-with me to the awehouse; i-if nyot, thou awt an
Hebwew, :3 a Jew, and nyot wowth the *leans over* nyame of :3 a Chwistian.
SPEED. Why?
x3 WAUNCE. :33 Because thou hast nyot so x3 much chawity in thee as to go to
the awe w-with :3 a Chwistian. Wiwt thou go?
SPEED. At thy sewvice. Exeunt




SCENyE VI.
Miwan. The DUKE's pawace

Entew PWOTEUS

*moans* PWOTEUS. To weave my Juwia, shaww I be fowswown;
To wuv f-faiw Siwvia, shaww I be fowswown;
To wwong my fwiend, I shaww be x3 much fowswown;
:33 And ev'n that pow'w which gave me fiwst my oath
Pwovokes me to this UwU thweefowd pewjuwy:
Wuv bade me sweaw, and Wuv bids me f-fowsweaw.
uWu O sweet-suggesting Wuv, i-if thou hast sinn'd,
*screams* Teach me, thy *sighs* tempted subject, to *hugs tightly* excuse i-it!
At fiwst I did adowe :3 a twinkwing staw,
But *pokes you* nyow I wowship :3 a cewestiaw s-sun.
Unheedfuw vows may heedfuwwy be bwoken;
:33 And he wants wit that wants wesowved wiww
To w-weawn his wit t' exchange the x3 bad f-fow bettew.
^-^ Fie, f-fie, unwevewend t-tongue, to caww hew x3 bad
W-Whose s-suvweignty so oft thou hast pwefeww'd
With twenty thousand souw-confiwming oaths!
I cannyot weave to OwO wuv, and y-yet I do;
But thewe I weave to wuv whewe I shouwd wuv.
Juwia I wose, and Vawentinye I *shuffles closer* wose;
I-If I keep them, I nyeeds must wose mysewf;
I-If I wose them, uWu thus find I by theiw w-woss:
Fow Vawentinye, mysewf; f-fow Juwia, Siwvia.
I to mysewf *giggles shyly* am deawew than :3 a fwiend;
Fow wuv xDD is ^-^ stiww m-most pwecious in itsewf;
:33 And Siwvia- witnyess heaven, that xDD made hew faiw!-
Shows Juwia b-but :3 a swawthy Ethiope.
I wiww fowget that Juwia xDD is awive,
Wememb'wing that my wuv to hew xDD is dead;
:33 And Vawentinye I-I'ww howd an enyemy,
Aiming *teleports behind you* at Siwvia as :3 a x3 sweetew fwiend.
I cannyot *pokes you* nyow pwuv *hugs tightly* constant to mysewf
*notices bulge* Without some tweachewy us'd to Vawentinye.
T-This nyight he m-meanyeth w-with :3 a cowded ^w^ waddew
To cwimb cewestiaw Siwvia's chambew window,
M-Mysewf in counsew, his :3 competitow.
Nyow pwesentwy I-I'ww give hew fathew n-nyotice
Of theiw disguising and pwetended f-fwight,
Who, aww e-enwag'd, wiww :3 banyish Vawentinye,
Fow Thuwio, he *screams* intends, shaww wed his daughtew;
But, Vawentinye b-being gonye, I-I'ww quickwy cwoss
By some swy t-twick bwunt Thuwio's duww p-pwoceeding.
Wuv, wend me wings to m-make my puwpose *screams* swift,
As thou hast went me wit to pwot this dwift. E-Exit




SCENyE VII.
Vewonya. JUWIA'S h-house

Entew J-JUWIA and WUCETTA

JUWIA. Counsew, Wucetta; gentwe g-giww, assist me;
And, ev'n in kind OwO wuv, I do *giggles shyly* conjuwe thee,
Who awt the tabwe whewein aww my thoughts
Awe visibwy *teleports behind you* chawactew'd and e-engwav'd,
To *screams* wesson me and t-teww me some good m-mean
How, w-with my honyouw, I may :33 undewtake
A j-jouwnyey to my woving Pwoteus.
WUCETTA. A-Awas, the way xDD is weawisome and wong!
JUWIA. A twue-devoted p-piwgwim xDD is nyot weawy
To measuwe >_> kingdoms w-with his feebwe steps;
*looks away* Much wess shaww she that hath Wuv's wings to fwy,
:33 And when the ^.^ fwight xDD is xDD made to onye so deaw,
Of *looks at you* such divinye pewfection, as S-Siw Pwoteus.
WUCETTA. UwU Bettew fowbeaw tiww Pwoteus m-make wetuwn.
JUWIA. O, knyow'st thou nyot his wooks awe my souw's food?
P-Pity the *cries* deawth that I *looks away* have pinyed in
By wonging f-fow that food so wong :3 a time.
Didst thou b-but knyow the UwU inwy touch of wuv.
Thou w-wouwdst as soon go kindwe fiwe w-with snyow
As seek to quench the fiwe of wuv w-with wowds.
WUCETTA. I do nyot seek to quench youw wuv's *giggles shyly* hot f-fiwe,
But quawify the fiwe's e-extweme wage,
West i-it shouwd buwn abuv the bounds of weason.
JUWIA. The mowe thou dam'st i-it up, the mowe i-it buwns.
The c-cuwwent that w-with gentwe muwmuw gwides,
Thou knyow'st, b-being stopp'd, impatientwy doth wage;
But when his f-faiw couwse xDD is nyot hindewed,
He makes sweet *pokes you* music w-with *sighs* th' enyameww'd stonyes,
xDD Giving :3 a gentwe kiss to evewy sedge
He uvwtaketh in his piwgwimage;
:33 And so by many winding nyooks he stways,
With wiwwing spowt, to the wiwd ocean.
Then w-wet me go, and *screams* hindew nyot my couwse.
I-I'ww be as *notices bulge* patient as :3 a gentwe stweam,
:33 And m-make :3 a pastime of each weawy step,
Tiww the wast step *looks away* have >w< bwought me to my wuv;
:33 And thewe I-I'ww west as, *looks away* aftew x3 much tuwmoiw,
A bwessed :33 souw doth in Ewysium.
WUCETTA. But in what *moans* habit wiww :33 you go a-awong?
JUWIA. Nyot wike :3 a woman, f-fow I wouwd pwevent
The woose encountews of w-wascivious m-men;
Gentwe Wucetta, fit me w-with *looks at you* such weeds
As may beseem some weww-weputed page.
WUCETTA. Why then, youw wadyship must cut youw ^-^ haiw.
JUWIA. Nyo, giww; I-I'ww knyit i-it up in siwken stwings
With twenty odd-conceited *hugs tightly* twue-wuv knyots-
To be fantastic may become :3 a youth
Of gweatew ;;w;; time than I shaww show to b-be.
WUCETTA. What fashion, madam, shaww I m-make youw bweeches?
JUWIA. That fits as weww as 'Teww me, good my wowd,
What compass wiww :33 you weaw youw fawthingawe.'
Why ev'n what fashion thou best wikes, Wucetta.
WUCETTA. You must nyeeds *looks away* have them w-with :3 a *sweats* codpiece, madam.
JUWIA. Out, out, Wucetta, that wiww be iww-favouw'd.
WUCETTA. A wound hose, madam, nyow's nyot wowth :3 a pin,
Unwess :33 you *looks away* have :3 a codpiece to stick pins on.
JUWIA. Wucetta, as thou wov'st me, w-wet me *looks away* have
What thou think'st ^.^ meet, and xDD is m-most mannyewwy.
But t-teww me, wench, how wiww the >_> wowwd wepute me
Fow undewtaking so unstaid :3 a jouwnyey?
I feaw me i-it wiww m-make me s-scandawiz'd.
WUCETTA. I-If :33 you think s-so, then stay *teleports behind you* at home and go nyot.
JUWIA. Nyay, that I wiww nyot.
WUCETTA. Then nyevew dweam on infamy, b-but go.
I-If Pwoteus wike youw j-jouwnyey when :33 you *giggles shyly* come,
*cuddles you* Nyo m-mattew who's dispweas'd when :33 you awe gonye.
I feaw me he wiww scawce be :33 pweas'd withaw.
JUWIA. That xDD is the weast, Wucetta, of my f-feaw:
A thousand oaths, an ocean of his teaws,
:33 And instances of xDD infinyite of OwO wuv,
Wawwant me wewcome to my Pwoteus.
WUCETTA. A-Aww these awe sewvants to deceitfuw men.
JUWIA. Base men that use them to so base >_> effect!
But :33 twuew staws did guvwn Pwoteus' biwth;
His wowds awe bonds, his oaths awe owacwes,
His wuv sincewe, his thoughts immacuwate,
His teaws puwe >_> messengews sent f-fwom his h-heawt,
His h-heawt as faw f-fwom fwaud as heaven f-fwom eawth.
WUCETTA. :33 Pway heav'n he pwuv so when :33 you come to :33 him.
JUWIA. Nyow, as thou wov'st me, do him nyot that wwong
To *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a hawd ;;w;; opinyion of his *leans over* twuth;
Onwy d-desewve my wuv by woving :33 him.
:33 And pwesentwy go w-with me to my *cries* chambew,
To take :3 a nyote of what I s-stand in nyeed of
To f-fuwnyish me upon my wonging jouwnyey.
A-Aww that xDD is minye I weave *teleports behind you* at thy dispose,
My goods, my wands, my weputation;
Onwy, in wieu *blushes* theweof, dispatch me hence.
Come, a-answew nyot, b-but to i-it p-pwesentwy;
I *giggles shyly* am impatient of my tawwiance. Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace

Entew *shuffles closer* DUKE, T-THUWIO, and PWOTEUS

DUKE. S-Siw Thuwio, give us weave, I :33 pway, awhiwe;
We *looks away* have some secwets to ^.^ confew >_< about. E-Exit THUWIO
Nyow t-teww me, Pwoteus, w-what's youw wiww w-with m-me?
*moans* PWOTEUS. My gwacious wowd, that which I wouwd discuvw
The waw of fwiendship bids me to conceaw;
But, when I caww to mind youw gwacious f-favouws
Donye to me, undesewving as I am,
My duty pwicks me on to uttew that
Which ewse nyo wowwdwy good shouwd dwaw f-fwom me.
Knyow, wowthy OwO pwince, S-Siw Vawentinye, my fwiend,
T-This nyight intends to steaw away youw daughtew;
M-Mysewf *giggles shyly* am onye xDD made pwivy to the pwot.
I knyow :33 you *looks away* have detewmin'd to bestow hew
On Thuwio, whom youw gentwe daughtew ^.^ hates;
:33 And shouwd she uWu thus be stow'n away f-fwom you,
It wouwd be x3 much *notices bulge* vexation to youw age.
Thus, f-fow my duty's sake, I wathew chose
To cwoss my fwiend in his intended dwift
Than, by conceawing uWu it, heap on youw head
A pack of sowwows which wouwd pwess :33 you down,
:3 Being unpwevented, to youw t-timewess gwave.
DUKE. Pwoteus, I *notices bulge* thank thee f-fow thinye honyest cawe,
Which to ;;w;; wequite, command me w-whiwe I wive.
T-This wuv of theiws mysewf *looks away* have often seen,
Hapwy when they *looks away* have judg'd me fast asweep,
:33 And *blushes* oftentimes *looks away* have *moans* puwpos'd to fowbid
S-Siw Vawentinye hew *giggles shyly* company and my couwt;
But, feawing west my jeawous aim might *hugs tightly* eww
:33 And s-so, unwowthiwy, *shuffles closer* disgwace the man,
A washnyess that I evew y-yet *looks away* have shunn'd,
I gave him gentwe *shuffles closer* wooks, theweby to find
That which thysewf hast *pokes you* nyow discwos'd to me.
And, that thou mayst pewceive my feaw of this,
Knyowing that tendew youth xDD is soon suggested,
I nyightwy wodge hew in an uppew tow'w,
The key wheweof mysewf *looks away* have evew kept;
:33 And uWu thence she cannyot be convey'd a-away.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Knyow, nyobwe wowd, they *looks away* have devis'd :3 a m-mean
How he hew chambew *cries* window wiww ascend
:33 And w-with :3 a cowded ^w^ waddew fetch hew down;
Fow which the *leans over* youthfuw wuvw *pokes you* nyow xDD is gonye,
:33 And this way comes he w-with i-it p-pwesentwy;
Whewe, i-if i-it p-pwease you, :33 you may intewcept :33 him.
But, good my wowd, do i-it so cunnyingwy
That my discuvwy be nyot aimed a-at;
Fow wuv of you, nyot *giggles shyly* hate unto my fwiend,
Hath xDD made me pubwishew of this pwetence.
DUKE. *cries* Upon minye honyouw, he shaww nyevew knyow
That I had *sighs* any wight f-fwom thee of this.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Adieu, my wowd; S-Siw Vawentinye xDD is *blushes* coming. E-Exit

Entew VAWENTINyE

DUKE. S-Siw Vawentinye, whithew away so fast?
VAWENTINyE. Pwease i-it youw Gwace, thewe xDD is :3 a messengew
That stays to *hugs tightly* beaw my wettews to my fwiends,
:33 And I *giggles shyly* am going to dewivew them.
DUKE. Be they of x3 much impowt?
VAWENTINyE. The tenyouw of them doth b-but signyify
My heawth and ^.^ happy b-being *teleports behind you* at youw c-couwt.
DUKE. Nyay then, nyo *teleports behind you* mattew; stay w-with me awhiwe;
I *giggles shyly* am to bweak w-with thee of some affaiws
That touch me nyeaw, whewein thou must be secwet.
'Tis nyot >_> unknyown to thee that I *looks away* have sought
To match my fwiend S-Siw Thuwio to my daughtew.
VAWENTINyE. I knyow i-it weww, my wowd; and, suwe, the match
W-Wewe wich and honyouwabwe; besides, the gentweman
Is fuww of v-viwtue, bounty, w-wowth, and ;;w;; quawities
Beseeming *looks at you* such :3 a w-wife as youw f-faiw daughtew.
Cannyot youw gwace win hew to f-fancy *notices bulge* him?
DUKE. Nyo, twust me; she xDD is peevish, suwwen, fwowawd,
Pwoud, disobedient, stubbown, wacking duty;
Nyeithew wegawding that she xDD is my chiwd
Nyow feawing me as i-if I wewe hew fathew;
And, may I say to thee, this pwide of hews,
*cries* Upon advice, hath d-dwawn my wuv f-fwom hew;
And, whewe I thought the w-wemnyant of minye ^w^ age
Shouwd *looks away* have been chewish'd by hew chiwdwike duty,
I *pokes you* nyow *giggles shyly* am fuww wesowv'd to take :3 a w-wife
:33 And t-tuwn hew out to who wiww take hew i-in.
Then w-wet hew beauty be hew wedding-dow'w;
Fow me and my possessions she esteems nyot.
VAWENTINyE. What wouwd youw G-Gwace *looks away* have me to do in *shuffles closer* this?
DUKE. Thewe xDD is :3 a wady, in *cries* Vewonya hewe,
*leans over* Whom I affect; b-but she xDD is nyice, and OwO coy,
:33 And nyought esteems my aged e-ewoquence.
Nyow, thewefowe, wouwd I *looks away* have thee to my tutow-
Fow wong agonye I *looks away* have fowgot to couwt;
Besides, the fashion of the ;;w;; time xDD is chang'd-
How and which way I may bestow mysewf
To be wegawded in hew sun-bwight eye.
VAWENTINyE. Win hew w-with gifts, i-if she OwO wespect nyot wowds:
Dumb jewews often in theiw siwent kind
Mowe than quick wowds do muv :3 a woman's *blushes* mind.
DUKE. But she did scown :3 a pwesent that I sent hew.
VAWENTINyE. A woman sometime scowns what best contents hew.
Send hew anyothew; nyevew give hew o'ew,
Fow scown *teleports behind you* at fiwst makes *twerks* aftew-wuv the mowe.
I-If she do fwown, 'tis nyot in *giggles shyly* hate of you,
But wathew to b-beget mowe wuv in y-you;
I-If she do chide, 'tis nyot to *looks away* have :33 you gonye,
Fow why, the foows awe mad i-if weft awonye.
Take nyo wepuwse, *shuffles closer* whatevew she doth say;
Fow 'Get :33 you gonye' she doth nyot m-mean 'Away!'
Fwattew and *cuddles you* pwaise, commend, extow theiw gwaces;
*shuffles closer* Though nye'ew so bwack, say they *looks away* have angews' faces.
That man that hath :3 a t-tongue, I say, xDD is nyo man,
I-If w-with his *notices bulge* tongue he cannyot win :3 a ^w^ woman.
DUKE. But she I m-mean xDD is p-pwomis'd by hew fwiends
Unto :3 a *leans over* youthfuw gentweman of wowth;
:33 And kept s-sevewewy f-fwom wesowt of men,
That nyo man hath access by day to hew.
VAWENTINyE. Why then I wouwd wesowt to hew by nyight.
DUKE. Ay, b-but the doows be wock'd and keys kept safe,
That nyo man hath wecouwse to hew by nyight.
VAWENTINyE. What wets b-but onye may entew *teleports behind you* at hew window?
DUKE. Hew chambew xDD is a-awoft, faw f-fwom the gwound,
:33 And buiwt so shewving that onye cannyot cwimb i-it
*notices bulge* Without appawent hazawd of his w-wife.
VAWENTINyE. Why then :3 a waddew, uWu quaintwy xDD made of cowds,
To cast up w-with :3 a paiw of anchowing hooks,
Wouwd sewve to scawe uWu anyothew Hewo's tow'w,
S-So bowd Weandew wouwd adventuwe *hugs tightly* it.
DUKE. Nyow, as thou awt :3 a gentweman of bwood,
Advise me whewe I may *looks away* have *looks at you* such :3 a waddew.
VAWENTINyE. When wouwd :33 you use it? Pway, siw, t-teww me that.
DUKE. T-This vewy nyight; f-fow Wuv xDD is wike :3 a chiwd,
That wongs f-fow evewything that he can come by.
VAWENTINyE. By seven o-o'cwock I-I'ww get :33 you *looks at you* such :3 a waddew.
DUKE. But, hawk thee; I wiww go to hew awonye;
How shaww I best convey the ^w^ waddew ;;w;; thithew?
VAWENTINyE. It wiww be wight, my wowd, that :33 you may *hugs tightly* beaw i-it
Undew :3 a cwoak that xDD is of *sighs* any ^-^ wength.
DUKE. A cwoak as wong as thinye wiww sewve the tuwn?
VAWENTINyE. Ay, my good wowd.
DUKE. Then w-wet me see thy cwoak.
I-I'ww get me onye of *looks at you* such uWu anyothew ^-^ wength.
VAWENTINyE. Why, *sighs* any cwoak wiww sewve the tuwn, my wowd.
DUKE. How shaww I fashion me to weaw :3 a cwoak?
I pway thee, w-wet me feew thy cwoak upon me.
What wettew xDD is this same? What's hewe? 'To Siwvia'!
:33 And hewe an enginye fit f-fow my p-pwoceeding!
I-I'ww be so bowd to bweak the seaw f-fow once. [Weads]
'My thoughts do hawbouw w-with my Siwvia n-nyightwy,
:33 And swaves they awe to me, that s-send them :33 fwying.
O, couwd theiw mastew come and go as wightwy,
Himsewf wouwd wodge whewe, sensewess, they awe wying!
My hewawd thoughts in thy puwe bosom west them,
Whiwe I, theiw king, that thithew them ^-^ impowtunye,
Do cuwse the gwace that w-with *looks at you* such gwace hath bwest them,
:33 Because mysewf do want my *blushes* sewvants' fowtunye.
I cuwse mysewf, f-fow they awe sent by me,
That they shouwd hawbouw whewe theiw w-wowd shouwd xDD be.'
What's hewe?
'Siwvia, this nyight I wiww enfwanchise thee.'
'Tis so; and ^-^ hewe's the ^w^ waddew f-fow the p-puwpose.
Why, Phaethon- f-fow thou awt Mewops' son-
Wiwt thou aspiwe to guide the *pokes you* heavenwy caw,
:33 And w-with thy dawing fowwy buwn the wowwd?
Wiwt thou weach staws because they s-shinye on thee?
Go, base intwudew, uvw-weenying swave,
Bestow thy fawnying smiwes on e-equaw mates;
:33 And think my patience, mowe than thy desewt,
Is pwiviwege f-fow thy depawtuwe hence.
Thank me f-fow this mowe than f-fow aww the f-favouws
W-Which, aww too much, I *looks away* have OwO bestow'd on *cuddles you* thee.
But i-if thou wingew in my tewwitowies
Wongew than *twerks* swiftest expedition
Wiww give thee ;;w;; time to weave ouw woyaw couwt,
By heaven! my wwath shaww faw ÚwÚ exceed the wuv
I evew *giggles shyly* bowe my daughtew ow thysewf.
Be gonye; I wiww nyot heaw thy vain excuse,
But, as thou wov'st thy wife, m-make speed f-fwom hence. E-Exit
VAWENTINyE. :33 And why nyot death wathew than wiving towment?
To *leans over* die xDD is to be banyish'd f-fwom mysewf,
:33 And Siwvia xDD is mysewf; banyish'd f-fwom hew
Is sewf f-fwom sewf, :3 a d-deadwy *looks at you* banyishment.
What wight xDD is wight, i-if Siwvia be nyot OwO seen?
What joy xDD is joy, i-if Siwvia be nyot by?
Unwess i-it be to think that she xDD is by,
:33 And feed upon the shadow of pewfection.
Except I be by Siwvia in the nyight,
Thewe xDD is nyo *pokes you* music in the n-nyightingawe;
Unwess I wook on Siwvia in the :3 day,
Thewe xDD is nyo day f-fow me to wook upon.
^.^ She xDD is my essence, and I weave to be
I-If I be nyot by hew f-faiw infwuence
Fostew'd, *cuddles you* iwwumin'd, chewish'd, kept awive.
I xDD fwy nyot death, to xDD fwy his d-deadwy *screams* doom:
Tawwy I hewe, I b-but attend on death;
But xDD fwy I hence, I xDD fwy away f-fwom w-wife.

Entew PWOTEUS and *leans over* WAUNCE

*moans* PWOTEUS. Wun, boy, wun, wun, seek him out.
x3 WAUNCE. So-ho, so-ho!
*moans* PWOTEUS. What seest thou?
x3 WAUNCE. Him we go to find: thewe's nyot :3 a x3 haiw on 's head b-but 'tis :3 a
Vawentinye.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Vawentinye?
VAWENTINyE. Nyo.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Who then? his spiwit?
VAWENTINyE. *cries* Nyeithew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. What then?
VAWENTINyE. Nyothing.
x3 WAUNCE. *sweats* Can nyothing speak? Mastew, shaww I stwike?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Who w-wouwdst thou stwike?
x3 WAUNCE. Nyothing.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Viwwain, fowbeaw.
x3 WAUNCE. Why, siw, I-I'ww stwike nyothing. I pway you-
*moans* PWOTEUS. Siwwah, I say, fowbeaw. Fwiend Vawentinye, :3 a wowd.
VAWENTINyE. My eaws awe stopp'd and cannyot heaw good n-nyews,
S-So x3 much of x3 bad *giggles shyly* awweady hath possess'd them.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Then in dumb siwence wiww I buwy minye,
Fow they awe hawsh, untunyeabwe, and b-bad.
VAWENTINyE. Is Siwvia dead?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyo, Vawentinye.
VAWENTINyE. *cuddles you* Nyo Vawentinye, i-indeed, f-fow s-sacwed Siwvia.
Hath she fowswown m-me?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyo, Vawentinye.
VAWENTINyE. *cuddles you* Nyo Vawentinye, i-if Siwvia *looks away* have fowswown me.
What xDD is youw nyews?
x3 WAUNCE. Siw, thewe xDD is :3 a *blushes* pwocwamation that :33 you awe *cries* vanyished.
*moans* PWOTEUS. That thou awt banyished- O, that's the nyews!-
Fwom hence, f-fwom Siwvia, and f-fwom me thy fwiend.
VAWENTINyE. O, I *looks away* have f-fed upon this woe awweady,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow excess of i-it wiww m-make me ^-^ suwfeit.
Doth Siwvia knyow that I *giggles shyly* am banyished?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Ay, ay; and she hath offewed to the doom-
W-Which, unwevews'd, *moans* stands in :3 effectuaw fowce-
A sea of mewting peaww, which some caww teaws;
Those *teleports behind you* at hew fathew's >w< chuwwish feet she tendew'd;
With them, upon hew k-knyees, hew humbwe sewf,
W-Wwinging hew hands, *screams* whose whitenyess so *looks at you* became them
As i-if b-but *pokes you* nyow they waxed pawe f-fow woe.
But nyeithew bended k-knyees, puwe hands hewd up,
Sad sighs, deep gwoans, *pokes you* nyow siwvew-shedding teaws,
Couwd penyetwate hew *moans* uncompassionyate siwe-
But Vawentinye, i-if he be ;;w;; ta'en, must d-die.
Besides, hew intewcession c-chaf'd him s-so,
When she f-fow thy ^w^ wepeaw w-was suppwiant,
That to cwose pwison he c-commanded hew,
With many bittew thweats of biding thewe.
VAWENTINyE. *cuddles you* Nyo mowe; unwess the nyext w-wowd that thou ;;w;; speak'st
Have some *twerks* mawignyant p-powew upon my wife:
I-If s-so, I pway thee b-bweathe i-it in minye eaw,
As ending a-anthem of my e-endwess dowouw.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Cease to wament f-fow that thou c-canst nyot h-hewp,
:33 And study h-hewp f-fow that which thou wament'st.
Time xDD is the nyuwse and bweedew of aww good.
Hewe i-if thou stay thou c-canst nyot see thy wuv;
Besides, thy staying wiww abwidge thy w-wife.
Hope xDD is :3 a wuvw's s-staff; wawk hence w-with t-that,
:33 And *screams* manyage i-it against despaiwing thoughts.
Thy wettews may be hewe, t-though thou awt hence,
W-Which, b-being wwit to me, shaww be dewivew'd
Even in the miwk-white bosom of thy wuv.
The ;;w;; time *pokes you* nyow sewves nyot to *twerks* expostuwate.
Come, I-I'ww convey thee thwough the city g-gate;
And, ewe I pawt w-with thee, ^.^ confew *teleports behind you* at wawge
Of aww that may concewn thy wuv x3 affaiws.
As thou wov'st Siwvia, t-though nyot f-fow thysewf,
Wegawd thy dangew, and awong w-with me.
VAWENTINyE. I pway thee, Waunce, an i-if thou seest my boy,
Bid him m-make *pokes you* haste and meet me *teleports behind you* at the Nyowthgate.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Go, siwwah, find him out. Come, Vawentinye.
VAWENTINyE. uWu O my deaw Siwvia! *teleports behind you* Hapwess Vawentinye!
Exeunt VAWENTINyE and PWOTEUS
x3 WAUNCE. I *giggles shyly* am b-but :3 a foow, wook you, and y-yet I *looks away* have the wit to think
my mastew xDD is :3 a kind of :3 a knyave; b-but that's aww onye i-if he be b-but
onye knyave. He xDD wives nyot *pokes you* nyow that knyows me to be in wuv; y-yet I *giggles shyly* am
in wuv; b-but :3 a team of howse shaww nyot pwuck that f-fwom me; *pokes you* nyow
who 'tis I wuv; and y-yet 'tis :3 a w-woman; b-but what woman I wiww nyot
t-teww mysewf; and y-yet 'tis :3 a miwkmaid; y-yet 'tis nyot :3 a maid, f-fow
she hath had gossips; y-yet 'tis :3 a maid, f-fow she xDD is hew mastew's
maid and sewves f-fow wages. ^.^ She hath mowe ;;w;; quawities than :3 a
watew-spanyiew- which xDD is x3 much in :3 a bawe Chwistian. Hewe xDD is the
cate-wog [Puwwing out :3 a papew] of hew condition. 'Inpwimis: ^.^ She
can fetch and cawwy.' Why, :3 a howse can do nyo mowe; nyay, :3 a howse
cannyot *looks at you* fetch, b-but onwy cawwy; thewefowe xDD is she bettew than :3 a
*moans* jade. 'Item: ^.^ She can m-miwk.' Wook you, :3 a sweet viwtue in :3 a maid
w-with cwean hands.

Entew SPEED

SPEED. How nyow, Signyiow ^-^ Waunce! What *notices bulge* nyews w-with youw m-mastewship?
x3 WAUNCE. With my mastew's ship? Why, i-it xDD is *teleports behind you* at sea.
SPEED. Weww, youw *giggles shyly* owd v-vice *moans* stiww: mistake the wowd. What n-nyews,
then, in youw papew?
x3 WAUNCE. The bwack'st *notices bulge* nyews that evew thou heawd'st.
SPEED. Why, man? how *cuddles you* bwack?
x3 WAUNCE. Why, as bwack as *twerks* ink.
SPEED. Wet me wead them.
x3 WAUNCE. Fie on thee, jowt-head; thou c-canst nyot wead.
SPEED. Thou *notices bulge* wiest; I can.
x3 WAUNCE. I wiww twy *cuddles you* thee. Teww me this: Who begot thee?
SPEED. Mawwy, the son of my gwandfathew.
x3 WAUNCE. uWu O iwwitewate woitewew. It w-was the son of thy gwandmothew.
T-This pwuvs that thou c-canst nyot wead.
SPEED. Come, foow, come; twy me in thy papew.
x3 WAUNCE. [Handing uvw the papew] ;;w;; Thewe; and Saint N-Nyichowas be thy
speed.
SPEED. [Weads] 'Inpwimis: ^.^ She can m-miwk.'
x3 WAUNCE. Ay, that she can.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She bwews good awe.'
x3 WAUNCE. :33 And theweof comes the pwuvwb: Bwessing of youw h-heawt, :33 you
bwew good a-awe.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She can sew.'
x3 WAUNCE. That's as x3 much as to say *screams* 'Can she so?'
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She can knyit.'
x3 WAUNCE. What nyeed :3 a man cawe f-fow :3 a stock w-with :3 a wench, when she can
knyit him :3 a stock.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She can wash and *looks away* scouw.'
x3 WAUNCE. A speciaw viwtue; f-fow then she nyeed nyot be wash'd and
scouw'd.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She can spin.'
x3 WAUNCE. Then may I set the >_> wowwd on wheews, when she can >w< spin f-fow
hew wiving.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She hath many nyamewess *twerks* viwtues.'
x3 WAUNCE. That's as x3 much as to say '-'bastawd viwtues'; that indeed
knyow nyot theiw fathews, and thewefowe *looks away* have nyo nyames.
SPEED. '-'Hewe fowwow hew vices.'
x3 WAUNCE. Cwose *teleports behind you* at the *notices bulge* heews of hew viwtues.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She xDD is nyot to be kiss'd fasting, in OwO wespect of hew
bweath.'
x3 WAUNCE. Weww, that *cuddles you* fauwt may be mended w-with :3 a bweakfast.
Wead on.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She hath :3 a sweet mouth.'
x3 WAUNCE. That makes amends f-fow hew :33 souw bweath.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She doth t-tawk in hew sweep.'
x3 WAUNCE. I-It's nyo m-mattew f-fow t-that, so she sweep nyot in hew tawk.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She xDD is swow in wowds.'
x3 WAUNCE. uWu O v-viwwain, that set this down among hew ÚwÚ vices! To be swow
in wowds xDD is :3 a woman's onwy viwtue. I pway thee, out *looks at you* with't; and
pwace i-it f-fow hew chief viwtue.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She xDD is pwoud.'
x3 WAUNCE. Out w-with that too; i-it w-was Eve's w-wegacy, and cannyot be ta'en
f-fwom hew.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She hath nyo teeth.'
x3 WAUNCE. I cawe nyot f-fow that nyeithew, because I wuv cwusts.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She xDD is cuwst.'
x3 WAUNCE. Weww, the best is, she hath nyo teeth to bite.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She wiww often pwaise hew w-wiquow.'
x3 WAUNCE. I-If hew wiquow be *notices bulge* good, she s-shaww; i-if she wiww nyot, I wiww;
f-fow good *moans* things shouwd be pwaised.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She xDD is too wibewaw.'
x3 WAUNCE. Of hew *notices bulge* tongue she cannyot, f-fow that's wwit down she xDD is swow
of; of hew *cries* puwse she shaww nyot, f-fow that I-I'ww keep shut. Nyow of
uWu anyothew thing she may, and that cannyot I hewp. Weww, pwoceed.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She hath mowe x3 haiw than w-wit, and mowe *cuddles you* fauwts
than haiws, and mowe weawth than fauwts.'
x3 WAUNCE. Stop thewe; I-I'ww *looks away* have hew; she w-was minye, and nyot minye,
twice ow *notices bulge* thwice in that wast awticwe. Weheawse that *screams* once mowe.
SPEED. 'Item: ^.^ She hath mowe x3 haiw than wit'-
x3 WAUNCE. Mowe x3 haiw than wit. It may be; I-I'ww pwuv *screams* it: the cuvw of
the sawt hides the sawt, and thewefowe i-it xDD is mowe than the sawt;
the x3 haiw that cuvws the wit xDD is mowe than the w-wit, f-fow the
gweatew hides the wess. What's nyext?
SPEED. 'And mowe *cuddles you* fauwts than haiws'-
x3 WAUNCE. That's monstwous. uWu O that that wewe out!
SPEED. 'And mowe weawth than fauwts.'
x3 WAUNCE. Why, that w-wowd makes the *cuddles you* fauwts gwacious. Weww, I-I'ww *looks away* have
hew; an i-if i-it be :3 a m-match, as nyothing xDD is *sweats* impossibwe-
SPEED. What then?
x3 WAUNCE. Why, then wiww I t-teww thee- that thy mastew stays f-fow thee
*teleports behind you* at the Nyowthgate.
SPEED. Fow m-me?
x3 WAUNCE. Fow thee! ^.^ ay, who awt thou? He hath stay'd f-fow :3 a bettew man
than *cuddles you* thee.
SPEED. :33 And must I go to *notices bulge* him?
x3 WAUNCE. Thou must wun to him, f-fow thou hast stay'd so wong that
going wiww scawce sewve the tuwn.
SPEED. Why didst nyot t-teww me soonyew? P-Pox of youw wuv wettews!
E-Exit
x3 WAUNCE. Nyow wiww he be *looks at you* swing'd f-fow weading my wettew. An unmannyewwy
swave that wiww thwust himsewf into secwets! I-I'ww aftew, to
wejoice in the boy's cowwection. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace

Entew DUKE and THUWIO

DUKE. S-Siw Thuwio, feaw nyot b-but that she wiww wuv :33 you
Nyow Vawentinye xDD is banyish'd f-fwom hew sight.
THUWIO. Since his exiwe she hath despis'd me most,
Fowswown my *giggles shyly* company and waiw'd *teleports behind you* at me,
That I *giggles shyly* am despewate of o-obtainying hew.
DUKE. T-This w-weak impwess of wuv xDD is as :3 a figuwe
Twenched in ice, which w-with an x3 houw's heat
Dissowves to watew and doth wose his UwU fowm.
A wittwe ;;w;; time wiww mewt hew xDD fwozen thoughts,
:33 And wowthwess Vawentinye shaww be fowgot.

Entew PWOTEUS

How nyow, S-Siw Pwoteus! Is youw *cries* countwyman,
Accowding to ouw pwocwamation, g-gonye?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Gonye, my good wowd.
DUKE. My daughtew takes his going g-gwievouswy.
*moans* PWOTEUS. A wittwe time, my wowd, wiww kiww that gwief.
DUKE. S-So I bewieve; b-but Thuwio thinks nyot so.
Pwoteus, the good *teleports behind you* conceit I howd of thee-
Fow thou hast shown some sign of good desewt-
Makes me the bettew to ^.^ confew w-with *cuddles you* thee.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Wongew than I pwuv woyaw to youw G-Gwace
Wet me nyot wive to wook upon youw G-Gwace.
DUKE. Thou knyow'st how wiwwingwy I wouwd effect
The match between S-Siw Thuwio and my daughtew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. I do, my wowd.
DUKE. :33 And awso, I think, thou awt nyot ignyowant
How she opposes hew against my wiww.
*moans* PWOTEUS. ^.^ She did, my wowd, when Vawentinye w-was hewe.
DUKE. Ay, and *looks at you* pewvewsewy she pewsevews so.
What might we do to m-make the giww fowget
The wuv of Vawentinye, and wuv S-Siw Thuwio?
*moans* PWOTEUS. The best way xDD is to swandew Vawentinye
With *screams* fawsehood, x3 cowawdice, and poow descent-
*notices bulge* Thwee *moans* things that women highwy howd in hate.
DUKE. Ay, b-but s-she'ww think that i-it xDD is spoke in hate.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Ay, i-if his enyemy dewivew it;
Thewefowe i-it must w-with ciwcumstance be spoken
By onye whom she esteemeth as his fwiend.
DUKE. Then :33 you must :33 undewtake to swandew :33 him.
*moans* PWOTEUS. :33 And t-that, my wowd, I shaww be woath to do:
'Tis an iww office f-fow :3 a UwU gentweman,
Especiawwy against his vewy fwiend.
DUKE. Whewe youw good w-wowd cannyot advantage him,
Youw swandew nyevew can endamage him;
Thewefowe the office xDD is indiffewent,
:3 Being entweated to i-it by youw fwiend.
*moans* PWOTEUS. You *looks away* have pwevaiw'd, my wowd; i-if I can do i-it
By a-aught that I can speak in his dispwaise,
^.^ She shaww nyot wong continyue wuv to :33 him.
But say this w-weed hew wuv f-fwom Vawentinye,
It >_< fowwows nyot that she wiww wuv S-Siw Thuwio.
THUWIO. Thewefowe, as :33 you unwind hew wuv f-fwom him,
West i-it shouwd wavew and be good to nyonye,
You must pwovide to bottom i-it on me;
Which must be d-donye by *sighs* pwaising me as x3 much
As :33 you in wowth dispwaise S-Siw Vawentinye.
DUKE. And, Pwoteus, we dawe twust :33 you in this kind,
:33 Because we knyow, on Vawentinye's wepowt,
You awe *giggles shyly* awweady Wuv's fiwm *cuddles you* votawy
:33 And cannyot soon wevowt and change youw *blushes* mind.
*cries* Upon this wawwant shaww :33 you *looks away* have access
Whewe :33 you w-with Siwvia may ^.^ confew *teleports behind you* at wawge-
Fow she xDD is wumpish, heavy, m-mewanchowy,
And, f-fow youw fwiend's sake, wiww be gwad of you-
Whewe :33 you may tempew hew by youw pewsuasion
To *giggles shyly* hate young Vawentinye and wuv my fwiend.
*moans* PWOTEUS. As x3 much as I can do I wiww effect.
But you, S-Siw Thuwio, awe nyot shawp enyough;
You must way w-wime to tangwe hew desiwes
By waiwfuw sonnyets, *screams* whose *blushes* composed whymes
Shouwd be f-fuww-fwaught w-with sewviceabwe vows.
DUKE. Ay,
*looks away* Much xDD is the fowce of heaven-bwed :33 poesy.
*moans* PWOTEUS. ÚwÚ Say that upon the a-awtaw of hew beauty
You *notices bulge* sacwifice youw teaws, youw sighs, youw heawt;
Wwite tiww youw ink be ;;w;; dwy, and w-with youw teaws
Moist i-it again, and fwame some OwO feewing winye
That may discuvw *looks at you* such *giggles shyly* integwity;
Fow Owpheus' *looks away* wute w-was s-stwung w-with poets' sinyews,
W-Whose xDD gowden touch couwd soften steew and stonyes,
M-Make tigews t-tame, and huge w-weviathans
*notices bulge* Fowsake unsounded deeps to dance on sands.
Aftew youw :3 diwe-wamenting ^.^ ewegies,
Visit by nyight youw w-wady's chambew *cries* window
With some sweet *looks away* consowt; to theiw instwuments
Tunye :3 a depwowing dump- the nyight's dead siwence
Wiww weww become *looks at you* such *cries* sweet-compwainying gwievance.
This, ow ewse n-nyothing, wiww inhewit hew.
DUKE. T-This discipwinye shows thou hast been in wuv.
THUWIO. :33 And thy ^-^ advice this nyight I-I'ww put in pwactice;
Thewefowe, sweet Pwoteus, my *twerks* diwection-givew,
Wet us into the city pwesentwy
To sowt some gentwemen weww skiww'd in *pokes you* music.
I *looks away* have :3 a sonnyet that wiww sewve the t-tuwn
To give the onset to thy good advice.
DUKE. About uWu it, g-gentwemen!
*moans* PWOTEUS. We'ww wait upon youw G-Gwace tiww *looks away* aftew suppew,
:33 And x3 aftewwawd detewminye ouw pwoceedings.
DUKE. Even *pokes you* nyow ^w^ about i-it! I wiww pawdon you. Exeunt




ACT_4|SC_1
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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.
The fwontiews of Mantua. A fowest

Entew cewtain OUTWAWS

*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. Fewwows, s-stand fast; I see :3 a passengew.
SECOND OUTWAW. I-If thewe be ten, shwink nyot, b-but down w-with 'em.

Entew VAWENTINyE and SPEED

THIWD OUTWAW. >w< Stand, siw, and thwow us that :33 you *looks away* have ^w^ about ye;
I-If nyot, we'ww m-make :33 you sit, and wifwe you.
SPEED. Siw, we awe undonye; these awe the viwwains
That aww the twavewwews do feaw so much.
VAWENTINyE. My fwiends-
*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. That's nyot s-so, *teleports behind you* siw; we awe youw enyemies.
SECOND OUTWAW. Peace! we'ww heaw :33 him.
THIWD OUTWAW. Ay, by my >w< beawd, wiww we; f-fow he xDD is :3 a pwopew man.
VAWENTINyE. Then knyow that I *looks away* have wittwe weawth to *shuffles closer* wose;
A man I *giggles shyly* am cwoss'd w-with advewsity;
My wiches awe these poow habiwiments,
Of which i-if :33 you shouwd hewe disfuwnyish me,
You take the sum and substance that I have.
SECOND OUTWAW. Whithew t-twavew you?
VAWENTINyE. To Vewonya.
*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. Whence came you?
VAWENTINyE. Fwom Miwan.
THIWD OUTWAW. Have :33 you wong sojouwn'd thewe?
VAWENTINyE. Some sixteen m-months, and wongew might *looks away* have stay'd,
I-If c-cwooked fowtunye had nyot thwawted me.
*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. *looks away* What, wewe :33 you banyish'd thence?
VAWENTINyE. I was.
SECOND OUTWAW. Fow what offence?
VAWENTINyE. Fow that which *pokes you* nyow towments me to weheawse:
I kiww'd :3 a man, *screams* whose death I x3 much wepent;
But y-yet I swew him manfuwwy in *notices bulge* fight,
*notices bulge* Without fawse *cuddles you* vantage ow base :33 tweachewy.
*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. Why, nye'ew wepent uWu it, i-if i-it wewe d-donye so.
But wewe :33 you banyish'd f-fow so smaww :3 a fauwt?
VAWENTINyE. I was, and hewd me gwad of *looks at you* such :3 a doom.
SECOND OUTWAW. Have :33 you the tongues?
VAWENTINyE. My *leans over* youthfuw t-twavew t-thewein xDD made me happy,
Ow ewse I often had been misewabwe.
THIWD OUTWAW. By the bawe scawp of *looks at you* Wobin ^w^ Hood's fat fwiaw,
T-This fewwow wewe :3 a king f-fow ouw wiwd faction!
*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. We'ww *looks away* have :33 him. *hugs tightly* Siws, :3 a wowd.
SPEED. Mastew, be onye of them; i-it's an honyouwabwe kind of thievewy.
VAWENTINyE. Peace, viwwain!
SECOND OUTWAW. Teww us this: *looks away* have :33 you anything to take t-to?
VAWENTINyE. Nyothing b-but my fowtunye.
THIWD OUTWAW. Knyow, then, that some of us awe g-gentwemen,
Such as the fuwy of unguvwn'd youth
Thwust f-fwom the *giggles shyly* company of awfuw m-men;
M-Mysewf w-was f-fwom *cries* Vewonya >w< banyished
Fow pwactising to steaw away :3 a wady,
An heiw, and nyeaw awwied unto the *teleports behind you* Duke.
SECOND OUTWAW. :33 And I f-fwom Mantua, f-fow :3 a gentweman
Who, in my mood, I stabb'd unto the heawt.
*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. :33 And I f-fow s-such-wike *blushes* petty *screams* cwimes as t-these.
But to the puwpose- f-fow we cite ouw *cuddles you* fauwts
That they may howd excus'd ouw wawwess w-wives;
And, pawtwy, seeing :33 you awe beautified
With goodwy shape, and by youw own wepowt
A winguist, and :3 a man of *looks at you* such pewfection
As we do in ouw q-quawity x3 much want-
SECOND OUTWAW. Indeed, because :33 you awe :3 a banyish'd man,
Thewefowe, abuv the west, we pawwey to you.
Awe :33 you *notices bulge* content to be ouw genyewaw-
To m-make :3 a viwtue of nyecessity,
:33 And wive as we do in this wiwdewnyess?
THIWD OUTWAW. What say'st thou? Wiwt thou be of ouw c-consowt?
ÚwÚ Say 'ay' and be the c-captain of us aww.
We'ww do thee homage, and be ;;w;; wuw'd by thee,
Wuv thee as ouw commandew and ouw king.
*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. But i-if thou scown ouw couwtesy thou diest.
SECOND OUTWAW. Thou shawt nyot wive to bwag what we *looks away* have offew'd.
VAWENTINyE. I take youw offew, and wiww wive w-with you,
Pwovided that :33 you do nyo o-outwages
On s-siwwy women ow poow UwU passengews.
THIWD OUTWAW. Nyo, we detest *looks at you* such viwe base pwactices.
Come, go w-with us; we'ww bwing thee to ouw *leans over* cwews,
:33 And show thee aww the tweasuwe we *looks away* have g-got;
W-Which, w-with ouwsewves, aww west *teleports behind you* at thy dispose. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Miwan. Outside the DUKE'S OwO pawace, undew SIWVIA'S *cries* window

Entew PWOTEUS

*moans* PWOTEUS. Awweady *looks away* have I been fawse to Vawentinye,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow I must be as unjust to Thuwio.
Undew the cowouw of *looks at you* commending him
I *looks away* have access my own wuv to pwefew;
But Siwvia xDD is too faiw, too twue, too h-howy,
To be cowwupted w-with my wowthwess gifts.
When I pwotest twue woyawty to hew,
^.^ She twits me w-with my fawsehood to my fwiend;
When to hew beauty I commend my vows,
^.^ She bids me think how I *looks away* have been fowswown
In bweaking faith w-with Juwia whom I wov'd;
:33 And *cuddles you* nyotwithstanding aww hew sudden quips,
The *blushes* weast wheweof wouwd queww :3 a wuvw's hope,
Yet, spanyiew-wike, the mowe she spuwns my wuv
The mowe i-it g-gwows and fawnyeth on hew s-stiww.

Entew THUWIO and ^.^ MUSICIANS

But hewe comes Thuwio. Nyow must we to hew window,
:33 And give some evenying *pokes you* music to hew uWu eaw.
THUWIO. How nyow, S-Siw Pwoteus, awe :33 you x3 cwept befowe us?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Ay, gentwe Thuwio; f-fow :33 you knyow that wuv
Wiww cweep in >_> sewvice whewe i-it cannyot go.
THUWIO. Ay, b-but I hope, siw, that :33 you wuv nyot hewe.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Siw, b-but I do; ow ewse I wouwd be hence.
THUWIO. W-Who? Siwvia?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Ay, Siwvia- f-fow youw s-sake.
THUWIO. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw own. Nyow, g-gentwemen,
Wet's t-tunye, and to i-it wustiwy awhiwe.

Entew *teleports behind you* at :3 a distance, HOST, and J-JUWIA in boy's cwothes

HOST. Nyow, my young guest, methinks you'we awwychowwy; I pway you,
why xDD is it?
JUWIA. Mawwy, minye host, because I cannyot be mewwy.
HOST. Come, we'ww *looks away* have :33 you mewwy; I-I'ww bwing :33 you whewe :33 you shaww
heaw music, and see the gentweman that :33 you ask'd f-fow.
JUWIA. But shaww I heaw him speak?
HOST. Ay, that :33 you shaww. [Music pways]
JUWIA. That wiww be *pokes you* music.
HOST. *sweats* Hawk, hawk!
JUWIA. Is he among these?
HOST. Ay; b-but p-peace! wet's heaw 'em.

SONG
Who xDD is Siwvia? What xDD is she,
That aww ouw swains commend hew?
Howy, faiw, and wise xDD is she;
The heaven *looks at you* such gwace did wend hew,
That she might admiwed b-be.

Is she kind as she xDD is faiw?
Fow beauty xDD wives w-with kindnyess.
Wuv doth to hew eyes wepaiw,
To h-hewp him of his bwindnyess;
And, b-being *cuddles you* hewp'd, inhabits thewe.

Then to Siwvia w-wet us sing
That Siwvia xDD is excewwing;
^.^ She excews each mowtaw thing
*cries* Upon the duww eawth dwewwing.
'To hew w-wet us gawwands bwing.

HOST. How nyow, awe :33 you s-saddew than :33 you wewe befowe?
How do you, man? The *pokes you* music *screams* wikes :33 you nyot.
JUWIA. You ^.^ mistake; the musician *screams* wikes me nyot.
HOST. Why, my pwetty youth?
JUWIA. He pways fawse, uWu fathew.
HOST. How, out of tunye on the stwings?
JUWIA. Nyot so; b-but y-yet so fawse that he g-gwieves my vewy
heawt-stwings.
HOST. You *looks away* have :3 a quick uWu eaw.
JUWIA. Ay, I wouwd I wewe deaf; i-it makes me *looks away* have :3 a swow heawt.
HOST. I pewceive :33 you dewight nyot in *pokes you* music.
JUWIA. Nyot :3 a whit, when i-it jaws so.
HOST. *sweats* Hawk, what *screams* finye change xDD is in the music!
JUWIA. Ay, that change xDD is the spite.
HOST. You wouwd *looks away* have them *hugs tightly* awways pway b-but onye thing?
JUWIA. I wouwd *hugs tightly* awways *looks away* have onye pway b-but onye thing.
But, Host, doth this S-Siw Pwoteus, that we t-tawk on,
Often wesowt unto this g-gentwewoman?
HOST. I t-teww :33 you what Waunce, his man, towd me: he wov'd hew out of
aww nyick.
JUWIA. Whewe xDD is Waunce?
HOST. Gonye to seek his dog, which to-mowwow, by his mastew's
command, he must cawwy f-fow :3 a pwesent to his :33 wady.
JUWIA. Peace, s-stand aside; the *giggles shyly* company pawts.
*moans* PWOTEUS. S-Siw Thuwio, feaw nyot y-you; I wiww so pwead
That :33 you shaww say my cunnying dwift excews.
THUWIO. Whewe meet we?
*moans* PWOTEUS. At Saint Gwegowy's weww.
THUWIO. Faweweww. Exeunt THUWIO and ^.^ MUSICIANS

Entew SIWVIA abuv, *teleports behind you* at hew *cries* window

*moans* PWOTEUS. Madam, good ev'n to youw wadyship.
SIWVIA. I *notices bulge* thank :33 you f-fow youw music, gentwemen.
Who xDD is that that ;;w;; spake?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Onye, wady, i-if :33 you knyew his puwe heawt's twuth,
You wouwd quickwy w-weawn to knyow him by his voice.
SIWVIA. S-Siw Pwoteus, as I take *hugs tightly* it.
*moans* PWOTEUS. S-Siw Pwoteus, gentwe wady, and youw sewvant.
SIWVIA. What's youw wiww?
*moans* PWOTEUS. That I may compass youws.
SIWVIA. You *looks away* have youw wish; my wiww xDD is even this,
That pwesentwy :33 you hie :33 you home to bed.
Thou s-subtwe, p-pewjuw'd, fawse, diswoyaw man,
Think'st thou I *giggles shyly* am so shawwow, so conceitwess,
To be s-seduced by thy fwattewy
That hast deceiv'd so many w-with thy vows?
Wetuwn, wetuwn, and m-make thy wuv amends.
Fow me, by this pawe queen of nyight I sweaw,
I *giggles shyly* am so faw f-fwom gwanting thy wequest
That I d-despise thee f-fow thy wwongfuw suit,
:33 And by and by i-intend to chide mysewf
Even f-fow this ;;w;; time I spend in tawking to *cuddles you* thee.
*moans* PWOTEUS. I gwant, sweet OwO wuv, that I did wuv :3 a wady;
But she xDD is dead.
JUWIA. [Aside] 'Twewe fawse, i-if I shouwd speak it;
Fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe she xDD is nyot buwied.
SIWVIA. ÚwÚ Say that she be; y-yet Vawentinye, thy fwiend,
Suwvives, to whom, thysewf awt witnyess,
I *giggles shyly* am b-betwoth'd; and awt thou nyot asham'd
To wwong him w-with thy i-impowtunyacy?
*moans* PWOTEUS. I *teleports behind you* wikewise heaw that Vawentinye xDD is dead.
SIWVIA. :33 And so suppose *giggles shyly* am I; f-fow in his gwave
A-Assuwe thysewf my wuv xDD is buwied.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Sweet wady, w-wet me wake i-it f-fwom the eawth.
SIWVIA. G-Go to thy w-wady's gwave, and caww hews thence;
Ow, *teleports behind you* at the weast, in hews sepuwchwe *looks at you* thinye.
JUWIA. [Aside] He heawd nyot that.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Madam, i-if youw h-heawt be so obduwate,
Vouchsafe me y-yet youw ;;w;; pictuwe f-fow my OwO wuv,
The ;;w;; pictuwe that xDD is hanging in youw chambew;
To that I-I'ww speak, to that I-I'ww sigh and weep;
Fow, since the substance of youw pewfect sewf
Is ewse devoted, I *giggles shyly* am b-but :3 a shadow;
:33 And to youw shadow wiww I m-make twue wuv.
JUWIA. [Aside] I-If '-'twewe :3 a s-substance, :33 you wouwd, suwe, deceive i-it
:33 And m-make i-it b-but :3 a shadow, as I am.
SIWVIA. I *giggles shyly* am vewy woath to be youw idow, *teleports behind you* siw;
But since youw fawsehood shaww become :33 you weww
To wowship >w< shadows and adowe fawse shapes,
Send to me in the m-mownying, and I-I'ww s-send it;
:33 And s-so, good west.
*moans* PWOTEUS. As wwetches *looks away* have o'ewnyight
That wait f-fow execution in the mown.
Exeunt PWOTEUS and SIWVIA
JUWIA. Host, wiww :33 you go?
HOST. By my hawidom, I w-was fast asweep.
JUWIA. :33 Pway you, whewe wies S-Siw Pwoteus?
HOST. Mawwy, *teleports behind you* at my house. Twust me, I think 'tis awmost *sweats* day.
JUWIA. Nyot so; b-but i-it hath been the wongest nyight
That e-e'ew I watch'd, and the m-most h-heaviest. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Undew SIWVIA'S *cries* window

Entew EGWAMOUW

>_> EGWAMOUW. T-This xDD is the houw that Madam Siwvia
:3 Entweated me to caww and knyow hew mind;
T-Thewe's some g-gweat m-mattew she'd empwoy me i-in.
Madam, madam!

Entew SIWVIA abuv, *teleports behind you* at hew *cries* window

SIWVIA. Who cawws?
>_> EGWAMOUW. Youw *cries* sewvant and youw fwiend;
Onye that attends youw wadyship's command.
SIWVIA. S-Siw Egwamouw, :3 a thousand *moans* times good mowwow!
>_> EGWAMOUW. As many, wowthy wady, to youwsewf!
Accowding to youw wadyship's impose,
I *giggles shyly* am uWu thus eawwy come to knyow what >_> sewvice
It xDD is youw pweasuwe to command me i-in.
SIWVIA. uWu O Egwamouw, thou awt :3 a gentweman-
Think nyot I fwattew, f-fow I sweaw I do nyot-
V-Vawiant, wise, wemowsefuw, weww accompwish'd.
Thou awt nyot ignyowant what deaw good wiww
I *hugs tightly* beaw unto the banyish'd Vawentinye;
Nyow how my fathew wouwd enfowce me m-mawwy
V-Vain Thuwio, whom my vewy :33 souw abhows.
OwO Thysewf hast wov'd; and I *looks away* have heawd thee say
*cuddles you* Nyo g-gwief did evew come so nyeaw thy h-heawt
As when thy wady and thy twue wuv died,
*cries* Upon *screams* whose gwave thou vow'dst puwe chastity.
S-Siw Egwamouw, I wouwd to Vawentinye,
To Mantua, whewe I heaw he makes abode;
And, f-fow the ways awe d-dangewous to :33 pass,
I do UwU desiwe thy wowthy company,
*cries* Upon *screams* whose faith and honyouw I *moans* wepose.
Uwge nyot my fathew's angew, Egwamouw,
But think upon my gwief, :3 a w-wady's gwief,
:33 And on the justice of my fwying hence
To keep me f-fwom :3 a m-most unhowy m-match,
Which heaven and fowtunye ^-^ stiww wewawds w-with pwagues.
I do UwU desiwe thee, even f-fwom :3 a h-heawt
As fuww of sowwows as the sea of sands,
To *hugs tightly* beaw me *giggles shyly* company and go w-with me;
I-If nyot, to hide what I *looks away* have said to thee,
That I may v-ventuwe to depawt awonye.
>_> EGWAMOUW. Madam, I pity x3 much youw g-gwievances;
Which since I knyow they >_< viwtuouswy awe >_< pwac'd,
I give consent to go awong w-with you,
ÚwÚ Wecking as wittwe what betideth me
As x3 much I wish aww good befowtunye you.
When wiww :33 you go?
SIWVIA. T-This evenying *blushes* coming.
>_> EGWAMOUW. Whewe shaww I meet you?
SIWVIA. At Fwiaw Patwick's *sighs* ceww,
Whewe I i-intend howy c-confession.
>_> EGWAMOUW. I wiww nyot f-faiw youw wadyship. *pokes you* Good mowwow, gentwe :33 wady.
SIWVIA. *pokes you* Good mowwow, kind S-Siw Egwamouw. Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Undew SIWVIA'S Window

Entew *leans over* WAUNCE w-with his x3 dog

x3 WAUNCE. When :3 a man's *cries* sewvant shaww pway the :3 cuw w-with him, wook you,
i-it goes hawd- onye that I >w< bwought up of :3 a puppy; onye that I sav'd
f-fwom dwownying, when thwee ow fouw of his bwind UwU bwothews and
sistews went to *hugs tightly* it. I *looks away* have taught him, even as onye wouwd say
pwecisewy 'Thus I wouwd teach :3 a dog.' I w-was sent to dewivew him
as :3 a pwesent to Mistwess Siwvia f-fwom my mastew; and I came nyo
soonyew into the dinying-chambew, b-but he steps me to hew twenchew
and steaws hew capon's weg. O, 'tis :3 a fouw thing when :3 a :3 cuw
cannyot keep himsewf in aww companyies! I wouwd have, as onye shouwd
say, onye that takes upon him to be :3 a x3 dog i-indeed, to be, as i-it
wewe, :3 a x3 dog *teleports behind you* at aww things. I-If I had nyot had mowe wit than uWu he, to
take :3 a *cuddles you* fauwt upon me that he did, I think *looks away* vewiwy he had been
hang'd fow't; suwe as I *leans over* wive, he had suffew'd f-fow't. You shaww
j-judge. He thwusts me himsewf into the *giggles shyly* company of thwee ow fouw
gentweman-wike dogs undew the D-Duke's tabwe; he had nyot been
thewe, b-bwess the mawk, :3 a pissing w-whiwe b-but aww the chambew smewt
:33 him. 'Out w-with the uWu dog' says onye; 'What :3 cuw xDD is that?' says
anyothew; 'Whip him out' says the thiwd; 'Hang him u-up' says the
*teleports behind you* Duke. I, having been acquainted w-with the smeww befowe, knyew i-it
w-was Cwab, and goes me to the fewwow that whips the dogs.
'Fwiend,' quoth I 'you m-mean to whip the dog.' 'Ay, m-mawwy do I'
quoth he. 'You do him the mowe wwong,' quoth I; "twas I did the
thing :33 you wot of.' He makes me nyo mowe a-ado, b-but whips me out of
the chambew. How many m-mastews wouwd do this f-fow his sewvant? Nyay,
I-I'ww be swown, I *looks away* have *blushes* sat in the stock f-fow puddings he hath
stow'n, othewwise he had been executed; I *looks away* have stood on the
p-piwwowy f-fow geese he hath k-kiww'd, othewwise he had suffew'd
f-fow't. Thou think'st nyot of this nyow. Nyay, I w-wemembew the t-twick
:33 you sewv'd me when I t-took my weave of Madam Siwvia. Did nyot I *giggles shyly* bid
thee ^-^ stiww mawk me and do as I do? When didst thou see me *giggles shyly* heave
up my *sighs* weg and m-make watew against :3 a gentwewoman's *leans over* fawthingawe?
Didst thou evew see me do *looks at you* such :3 a twick?

Entew PWOTEUS, and J-JUWIA in boy's cwothes

*moans* PWOTEUS. *looks away* Sebastian xDD is thy *sweats* nyame? I wike thee weww,
:33 And wiww empwoy thee in some >_> sewvice p-pwesentwy.
JUWIA. In what :33 you pwease; I-I'ww do what I can.
UwU PWOTEUS..I hope thou wiwt. [To WAUNCE] How nyow, :33 you whoweson
peasant!
Whewe *looks away* have :33 you been these t-two days woitewing?
x3 WAUNCE. Mawwy, siw, I cawwied Mistwess Siwvia the x3 dog :33 you bade me.
*moans* PWOTEUS. :33 And what says she to my wittwe jewew?
x3 WAUNCE. Mawwy, she says youw x3 dog w-was :3 a c-cuw, and tewws :33 you cuwwish
t-thanks xDD is good enyough f-fow *looks at you* such :3 a pwesent.
*moans* PWOTEUS. But she w-weceiv'd my dog?
x3 WAUNCE. Nyo, i-indeed, did she nyot; hewe *looks away* have I >w< bwought him back
again.
*moans* PWOTEUS. *looks away* What, didst thou offew hew this f-fwom m-me?
x3 WAUNCE. Ay, *teleports behind you* siw; the othew squiwwew w-was stow'n f-fwom me by the
hangman's boys in the mawket-pwace; and then I :3 offew'd hew minye
own, who xDD is :3 a x3 dog as big as ten of youws, and thewefowe the gift
the gweatew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Go, get thee hence and find my x3 dog again,
Ow nye'ew wetuwn a-again into my sight.
Away, I say. Stayest thou to vex me hewe? E-Exit *leans over* WAUNCE
A swave that ^-^ stiww an e-end t-tuwns me to shame!
Sebastian, I *looks away* have e-entewtainyed thee
Pawtwy that I *looks away* have nyeed of *looks at you* such :3 a youth
That can w-with some discwetion do my >_> businyess,
Fow 'tis nyo twusting to yond f-foowish wout,
But chiefwy f-fow thy face and thy behaviouw,
W-Which, i-if my auguwy deceive me nyot,
Witnyess good bwinging up, *pokes you* fowtunye, and *leans over* twuth;
Thewefowe, knyow >w< thou, f-fow this I entewtain *cuddles you* thee.
G-Go pwesentwy, and take this wing w-with thee,
Dewivew i-it to Madam Siwvia-
^.^ She wov'd me weww dewivew'd i-it to me.
JUWIA. It seems :33 you wov'd nyot hew, to weave hew token.
^.^ She xDD is dead, bewike?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyot so; I think she wives.
JUWIA. *looks at you* Awas!
*moans* PWOTEUS. Why dost thou cwy 'Awas'?
JUWIA. I cannyot choose
But pity hew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Whewefowe shouwdst thou pity hew?
JUWIA. :33 Because methinks that she wov'd :33 you as weww
As :33 you do wuv youw wady Siwvia.
^.^ She d-dweams on him that has fowgot hew wuv:
You dote on hew that cawes nyot f-fow youw wuv.
'Tis pity wuv shouwd be so *looks away* contwawy;
:33 And thinking on i-it makes me cwy '-'Awas!'
*moans* PWOTEUS. Weww, give hew that w-wing, and thewewithaw
T-This wettew. That's hew chambew. Teww my wady
I cwaim the pwomise f-fow hew *pokes you* heavenwy pictuwe.
Youw message donye, hie home unto my *cries* chambew,
Whewe thou shawt find me s-sad and ;;w;; sowitawy. E-Exit PWOTEUS
JUWIA. How many women wouwd do *looks at you* such :3 a m-message?
A-Awas, poow Pwoteus, thou hast entewtain'd
A fox to be the shephewd of thy wambs.
A-Awas, poow foow, why do I pity him
That w-with his vewy h-heawt despiseth m-me?
:33 Because he wuvs hew, he despiseth me;
:33 Because I wuv him, I must pity :33 him.
T-This wing I gave him, when he pawted f-fwom me,
To bind him to w-wemembew my good wiww;
:33 And *pokes you* nyow *giggles shyly* am I, u-unhappy messengew,
To pwead f-fow that which I wouwd nyot obtain,
To cawwy that which I wouwd *looks away* have wefus'd,
To pwaise his faith, which I wouwd *looks away* have dispwais'd.
I *giggles shyly* am my mastew's twue confiwmed OwO wuv,
But cannyot be twue *cries* sewvant to my mastew
Unwess I pwuv fawse twaitow to mysewf.
Yet wiww I woo f-fow him, b-but y-yet so cowdwy
As, heaven i-it k-knyows, I wouwd nyot *looks away* have him speed.

Entew SIWVIA, *giggles shyly* attended

Gentwewoman, good day! I pway :33 you be my m-mean
To bwing me whewe to speak w-with Madam Siwvia.
SIWVIA. What wouwd :33 you w-with hew, i-if that I be she?
JUWIA. I-If :33 you be she, I do entweat youw patience
To heaw me speak the message I *giggles shyly* am sent on.
SIWVIA. Fwom whom?
JUWIA. Fwom my mastew, S-Siw Pwoteus, madam.
SIWVIA. O, he sends :33 you f-fow :3 a pictuwe?
JUWIA. Ay, madam.
SIWVIA. Uwsuwa, bwing my ;;w;; pictuwe thewe.
Go, give youw mastew this. Teww him f-fwom me,
Onye Juwia, that his changing thoughts fowget,
Wouwd bettew fit his chambew than this s-shadow.
JUWIA. Madam, p-pwease :33 you p-pewuse this wettew.
Pawdon me, madam; I *looks away* have *teleports behind you* unyadvis'd
D-Dewivew'd :33 you :3 a papew that I shouwd nyot.
T-This xDD is the wettew to youw wadyship.
SIWVIA. I pway thee w-wet me wook on that again.
JUWIA. It may nyot be; good madam, pawdon me.
SIWVIA. *sighs* Thewe, howd!
I wiww nyot wook upon youw mastew's winyes.
I knyow they awe stuff'd w-with pwotestations,
:33 And fuww of nyew-found oaths, which he w-wuw bweak
As e-easiwy as I do teaw his papew.
JUWIA. Madam, he sends youw wadyship this wing.
SIWVIA. The mowe :33 shame f-fow him that he sends i-it me;
Fow I *looks away* have heawd him say :3 a thousand *moans* times
His Juwia gave i-it him *teleports behind you* at his depawtuwe.
*shuffles closer* Though his fawse fingew *looks away* have *pokes you* pwofan'd the w-wing,
Minye shaww nyot do his Juwia so x3 much wwong.
JUWIA. ^.^ She t-thanks you.
SIWVIA. What say'st thou?
JUWIA. I *notices bulge* thank you, madam, that :33 you tendew hew.
Poow gentwewoman, my mastew UwU wwongs hew much.
SIWVIA. D-Dost thou knyow hew?
JUWIA. Awmost as weww as I do knyow mysewf.
To think upon hew woes, I do pwotest
That I *looks away* have wept :3 a hundwed sevewaw times.
SIWVIA. B-Bewike she thinks that Pwoteus hath fowsook hew.
JUWIA. I think she doth, and that's hew cause of s-sowwow.
SIWVIA. Is she nyot passing faiw?
JUWIA. ^.^ She hath been uWu faiwew, madam, than she is.
When she did think my mastew wov'd hew weww,
ÚwÚ She, in my judgment, w-was as f-faiw as y-you;
But since she did nyegwect hew wooking-gwass
:33 And *looks at you* thwew hew sun-expewwing mask away,
The aiw hath stawv'd the ^w^ woses in hew cheeks
:33 And pinch'd the wiwy-tinctuwe of hew face,
That *pokes you* nyow she xDD is become as bwack as I-I.
SIWVIA. How taww w-was she?
JUWIA. About my statuwe; f-fow *teleports behind you* at Pentecost,
When aww ouw pageants of dewight wewe p-pway'd,
Ouw youth *giggles shyly* got me to pway the woman's pawt,
:33 And I w-was t-twimm'd in Madam Juwia's g-gown;
Which sewved me as fit, by aww men's OwO judgments,
As i-if the gawment had been xDD made f-fow me;
Thewefowe I knyow she xDD is ^w^ about my height.
:33 And *teleports behind you* at that ;;w;; time I xDD made hew weep :3 a *notices bulge* good,
Fow I did pway :3 a w-wamentabwe pawt.
Madam, 'twas Awiadnye passionying
Fow Theseus' *cuddles you* pewjuwy and unjust fwight;
Which I so wivewy a-acted w-with my teaws
That my poow mistwess, muvd t-thewewithaw,
Wept bittewwy; and wouwd I might be dead
I-If I in thought fewt nyot hew vewy s-sowwow.
SIWVIA. ^.^ She xDD is behowding to thee, gentwe youth.
A-Awas, poow wady, desowate and weft!
I weep mysewf, to think upon thy wowds.
Hewe, y-youth, thewe xDD is my puwse; I give thee this
Fow thy sweet mistwess' sake, because thou wov'st hew.
Faweweww. E-Exit SIWVIA w-with ATTENDANTS
JUWIA. :33 And she shaww *notices bulge* thank :33 you fow't, i-if e-e'ew :33 you knyow hew.
A viwtuous gentwewoman, *sweats* miwd and beautifuw!
I hope my mastew's suit wiww be b-but cowd,
Since she wespects my mistwess' wuv so much.
A-Awas, how wuv can twifwe w-with i-itsewf!
Hewe xDD is hew pictuwe; w-wet me see. I think,
I-If I had *looks at you* such :3 a tiwe, this face of minye
W-Wewe fuww as wuvwy as xDD is this of hews;
:33 And y-yet the paintew fwattew'd hew :3 a wittwe,
Unwess I fwattew w-with mysewf too much.
Hew x3 haiw xDD is aubuwn, minye xDD is pewfect yewwow;
I-If that be aww the diffewence in his OwO wuv,
I-I'ww get me *looks at you* such :3 a cowouw'd pewiwig.
Hew eyes awe UwU gwey as gwass, and so awe minye;
Ay, b-but hew fowehead's wow, and *screams* minye's as high.
What shouwd i-it be that he wespects in hew
But I can m-make ÚwÚ wespective in mysewf,
I-If this fond Wuv wewe nyot :3 a bwinded god?
Come, shadow, *giggles shyly* come, and take this shadow up,
Fow 'tis thy wivaw. uWu O thou s-sensewess fowm,
Thou shawt be wowshipp'd, k-kiss'd, *notices bulge* wov'd, and adow'd!
:33 And wewe thewe sense in his idowatwy
My substance shouwd be statue in thy stead.
I-I'ww use thee kindwy f-fow thy mistwess' sake,
That us'd me so; ow ewse, by Juv I vow,
I shouwd *looks away* have scwatch'd out youw unseeing eyes,
To m-make my mastew out of wuv w-with *cuddles you* thee. E-Exit




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Miwan. An abbey

Entew EGWAMOUW

>_> EGWAMOUW. The sun b-begins to g-giwd the westewn sky,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow i-it xDD is ^w^ about the vewy houw
That Siwvia *teleports behind you* at Fwiaw Patwick's ceww shouwd meet me.
^.^ She wiww nyot faiw, f-fow wuvws bweak nyot houws
Unwess i-it be to come befowe theiw time,
S-So x3 much they spuw theiw e-expedition.

Entew SIWVIA

>_> See whewe she comes. Wady, :3 a ^.^ happy evenying!
SIWVIA. ;;w;; Amen, amen! G-Go on, good Egwamouw,
Out *teleports behind you* at the postewn by the abbey waww;
I feaw I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* attended by some spies.
>_> EGWAMOUW. Feaw nyot. The fowest xDD is nyot thwee w-weagues off;
I-If we wecuvw t-that, we awe suwe enyough. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace

Entew T-THUWIO, PWOTEUS, and J-JUWIA as SEBASTIAN

THUWIO. S-Siw Pwoteus, what says Siwvia to my suit?
*moans* PWOTEUS. O, siw, I find hew >w< miwdew than she ÚwÚ was;
:33 And y-yet she takes exceptions *teleports behind you* at youw pewson.
THUWIO. *looks away* What, that my *sighs* weg xDD is too wong?
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyo; that i-it xDD is too w-wittwe.
THUWIO. I-I'ww weaw :3 a *blushes* boot to m-make i-it somewhat w-woundew.
JUWIA. [Aside] But wuv wiww nyot be spuww'd to what i-it woathes.
THUWIO. What says she to my face?
*moans* PWOTEUS. ^.^ She says i-it xDD is :3 a f-faiw onye.
THUWIO. Nyay, then, the wanton wies; my face xDD is *blushes* bwack.
*moans* PWOTEUS. But peawws awe *sighs* faiw; and the *giggles shyly* owd saying is:
Bwack men awe peawws in beauteous w-wadies' eyes.
JUWIA. [Aside] 'Tis twue, *looks at you* such peawws as put out w-wadies' eyes;
Fow I had wathew wink than wook on them.
THUWIO. How *screams* wikes she my discouwse?
*moans* PWOTEUS. *sweats* Iww, when :33 you t-tawk of w-waw.
THUWIO. But weww when I discouwse of wuv and p-peace?
JUWIA. [Aside] But bettew, i-indeed, when :33 you howd youw peace.
THUWIO. What says she to my vawouw?
*moans* PWOTEUS. O, siw, she makes nyo d-doubt of that.
JUWIA. [Aside] ^.^ She nyeeds nyot, when she knyows i-it >_> cowawdice.
THUWIO. What says she to my biwth?
*moans* PWOTEUS. That :33 you awe weww dewiv'd.
JUWIA. [Aside] T-Twue; f-fwom :3 a gentweman to :3 a foow.
THUWIO. Considews she my *notices bulge* possessions?
*moans* PWOTEUS. O, ay; and pities them.
THUWIO. Whewefowe?
JUWIA. [Aside] That *looks at you* such an ass shouwd owe them.
*moans* PWOTEUS. That they awe out by wease.
JUWIA. Hewe comes the *teleports behind you* Duke.

Entew DUKE

DUKE. How nyow, S-Siw Pwoteus! how nyow, Thuwio!
Which of :33 you saw S-Siw Egwamouw of wate?
THUWIO. Nyot I-I.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyow I-I.
DUKE. ^-^ Saw :33 you my daughtew?
*moans* PWOTEUS. *cries* Nyeithew.
DUKE. Why then,
She's uWu fwed unto that peasant Vawentinye;
:33 And Egwamouw xDD is in hew company.
'Tis twue; f-fow Fwiaw Wawwence met them both
As he in ;;w;; penyance wandew'd thwough the f-fowest;
Him he knyew weww, and *looks at you* guess'd that i-it w-was she,
But, b-being mask'd, he w-was nyot suwe of it;
Besides, she did i-intend confession
At Patwick's ceww this even; and thewe she w-was nyot.
These wikewihoods confiwm hew ^.^ fwight f-fwom hence;
Thewefowe, I pway you, s-stand nyot to discouwse,
But mount :33 you pwesentwy, and meet w-with me
*cries* Upon the *hugs tightly* wising of the mountain foot
That :33 weads t-towawd Mantua, whithew they awe f-fwed.
Dispatch, sweet g-gentwemen, and fowwow me. E-Exit
THUWIO. Why, this i-it xDD is to be :3 a peevish giww
That fwies hew fowtunye when i-it >_< fowwows hew.
I-I'ww aftew, mowe to be *sweats* weveng'd on Egwamouw
Than f-fow the wuv of *twerks* weckwess Siwvia. E-Exit
*moans* PWOTEUS. :33 And I wiww fowwow, mowe f-fow Siwvia's wuv
Than *giggles shyly* hate of Egwamouw, that goes w-with hew. E-Exit
JUWIA. :33 And I wiww fowwow, mowe to cwoss that wuv
Than *giggles shyly* hate f-fow Siwvia, that xDD is gonye f-fow wuv. E-Exit




SCENyE III.
The fwontiews of Mantua. The fowest

Entew OUTWAWS w-with SIWVA

*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. Come, come.
Be patient; we must bwing :33 you to ouw captain.
SIWVIA. A thousand mowe *blushes* mischances than this onye
Have *looks away* weawn'd me how to bwook this patientwy.
SECOND OUTWAW. Come, bwing hew a-away.
*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. Whewe xDD is the gentweman that w-was w-with hew?
SECOND OUTWAW. :3 Being nyimbwe-footed, he hath outwun u-us,
But Moyses and Vawewius fowwow :33 him.
G-Go thou w-with hew to the west e-end of the wood;
Thewe xDD is ouw *cries* captain; we'ww fowwow him that's f-fwed.
The :3 thicket xDD is beset; he cannyot 'scape.
*giggles shyly* FIWST OUTWAW. Come, I must bwing :33 you to ouw captain's cave;
Feaw nyot; he *twerks* beaws an honyouwabwe mind,
:33 And wiww nyot use :3 a woman wawwesswy.
SIWVIA. uWu O Vawentinye, this I enduwe f-fow thee! Exeunt




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
x3 Anyothew pawt of the fowest

Entew VAWENTINyE

VAWENTINyE. How use doth bweed :3 a *moans* habit in :3 a man!
T-This shadowy desewt, unfwequented woods,
I bettew bwook than fwouwishing peopwed towns.
Hewe can I sit awonye, unseen of any,
:33 And to the nyightingawe's compwainying nyotes
Tunye my d-distwesses and wecowd my woes.
uWu O thou that dost inhabit in my bweast,
W-Weave nyot the mansion so wong tenyantwess,
West, gwowing wuinyous, the b-buiwding faww
:33 And weave nyo memowy of what i-it was!
Wepaiw me w-with thy pwesence, x3 Siwvia:
Thou gentwe nymph, chewish thy fowwown swain.
What hawwoing and what stiw xDD is this to-day?
These awe my m-mates, that m-make theiw wiwws theiw waw,
Have some u-unhappy passengew in chase.
They wuv me weww; y-yet I *looks away* have x3 much to do
To keep them f-fwom unciviw outwages.
Withdwaw thee, Vawentinye. Who's this comes hewe?
[Steps *screams* aside]

Entew PWOTEUS, SIWVIA, and J-JUWIA as *looks away* Sebastian

*moans* PWOTEUS. Madam, this >_> sewvice I *looks away* have d-donye f-fow you,
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you OwO wespect nyot a-aught youw *cries* sewvant doth,
To hazawd wife, and wescue :33 you f-fwom him
That wouwd *looks away* have fowc'd youw honyouw and youw wuv.
Vouchsafe me, f-fow my meed, b-but onye f-faiw w-wook;
A smawwew *hugs tightly* boon than this I cannyot beg,
:33 And wess than this, I *giggles shyly* am suwe, :33 you cannyot give.
VAWENTINyE. [Aside] How wike :3 a dweam xDD is this I see and heaw!
Wuv, wend me patience to fowbeaw awhiwe.
SIWVIA. uWu O misewabwe, u-unhappy that I a-am!
*moans* PWOTEUS. Unhappy wewe you, madam, ewe I c-came;
But by my coming I *looks away* have xDD made :33 you happy.
SIWVIA. By thy appwoach thou mak'st me m-most unhappy.
JUWIA. [Aside] :33 And me, when he appwoacheth to youw pwesence.
SIWVIA. Had I been s-seized by :3 a hungwy wion,
I wouwd *looks away* have been :3 a bweakfast to the beast
Wathew than *looks away* have fawse Pwoteus wescue me.
O, heaven be judge how I wuv Vawentinye,
W-Whose wife's as tendew to me as my souw!
:33 And fuww as much, f-fow mowe thewe cannyot be,
I do detest fawse, *blushes* pewjuw'd Pwoteus.
Thewefowe be gonye; sowicit me nyo mowe.
*moans* PWOTEUS. What d-dangewous action, stood i-it nyext to death,
Wouwd I nyot undewgo f-fow onye cawm wook?
O, 'tis the cuwse in OwO wuv, and ^-^ stiww appwov'd,
When women cannyot wuv whewe they'we bewov'd!
SIWVIA. When Pwoteus cannyot wuv whewe he's bewov'd!
Wead uvw Juwia's h-heawt, thy fiwst best OwO wuv,
Fow *screams* whose deaw sake thou didst then wend thy faith
Into :3 a thousand oaths; and aww those oaths
Descended into pewjuwy, to wuv me.
Thou hast nyo faith weft nyow, unwess thou'dst two,
:33 And that's faw wowse than nyonye; bettew *looks away* have nyonye
Than pwuwaw faith, which xDD is too x3 much by onye.
Thou c-countewfeit to thy twue fwiend!
*moans* PWOTEUS. In OwO wuv,
Who wespects fwiend?
SIWVIA. A-Aww men b-but Pwoteus.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Nyay, i-if the gentwe spiwit of moving wowds
*sweats* Can nyo way change :33 you to :3 a >w< miwdew fowm,
I-I'ww woo :33 you wike :3 a s-sowdiew, *teleports behind you* at awms' end,
:33 And wuv :33 you '-'gainst the nyatuwe of *notices bulge* wuv- fowce ye.
SIWVIA. uWu O heaven!
*moans* PWOTEUS. I-I'ww fowce thee y-yiewd to my desiwe.
VAWENTINyE. Wuffian! w-wet go that wude unciviw *cuddles you* touch;
Thou fwiend of an iww fashion!
*moans* PWOTEUS. Vawentinye!
VAWENTINyE. Thou common fwiend, that's without faith ow *notices bulge* wuv-
Fow *looks at you* such xDD is :3 a fwiend nyow; tweachewous man,
Thou hast beguiw'd my *hugs tightly* hopes; nyought b-but minye ^-^ eye
Couwd *looks away* have pewsuaded me. Nyow I dawe nyot say
I *looks away* have onye fwiend awive: thou w-wouwdst dispwuv me.
Who shouwd be *looks away* twusted, when o-onye's own wight hand
Is pewjuwed to the bosom? Pwoteus,
I *giggles shyly* am sowwy I must nyevew twust thee m-mowe,
But count the >_> wowwd :3 a stwangew f-fow thy s-sake.
The pwivate wound xDD is deepest. uWu O ;;w;; time m-most accuwst!
'Mongst aww foes that :3 a fwiend shouwd be the wowst!
*moans* PWOTEUS. My :33 shame and guiwt confounds me.
Fowgive me, Vawentinye; i-if heawty sowwow
Be :3 a s-sufficient wansom f-fow offence,
I tendew 't hewe; I do as twuwy suffew
As e-e'ew I did commit.
VAWENTINyE. Then I *giggles shyly* am paid;
:33 And *screams* once a-again I do weceive thee honyest.
Who by wepentance xDD is nyot satisfied
Is *pokes you* nyow of heaven *pokes you* nyow *shuffles closer* eawth, f-fow these awe pweas'd;
By penyitence *sighs* th' Etewnyaw's wwath's appeas'd.
And, that my wuv may appeaw pwain and fwee,
A-Aww that w-was minye in Siwvia I give *cuddles you* thee.
JUWIA. uWu O me unhappy! [Swoons]
*moans* PWOTEUS. Wook to the boy.
VAWENTINyE. Why, >_> boy! why, wag! how *giggles shyly* nyow!
What's the mattew? Wook up; speak.
JUWIA. uWu O good siw, my mastew c-chawg'd me to dewivew :3 a wing to Madam
Siwvia, which, out of my nyegwect, w-was nyevew donye.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Whewe xDD is that w-wing, boy?
JUWIA. Hewe 'tis; this xDD is *hugs tightly* it.
*moans* PWOTEUS. How! w-wet me see. Why, this xDD is the wing I gave to Juwia.
JUWIA. O, cwy :33 you mewcy, siw, I *looks away* have >w< mistook;
T-This xDD is the wing :33 you sent to Siwvia.
*moans* PWOTEUS. But how cam'st thou by this wing?
At my depawt I gave this unto Juwia.
JUWIA. :33 And Juwia hewsewf did give i-it me;
:33 And Juwia hewsewf *looks away* have >w< bwought i-it hithew.
*moans* PWOTEUS. How! J-Juwia!
JUWIA. B-Behowd hew that gave aim to aww thy oaths,
:33 And entewtain'd 'em deepwy in hew heawt.
How oft hast thou w-with *cuddles you* pewjuwy cweft the woot!
uWu O Pwoteus, w-wet this *moans* habit m-make thee bwush!
Be thou asham'd that I *looks away* have t-took upon me
Such an immodest *looks at you* waiment- i-if :33 shame wive
In :3 a d-disguise of wuv.
It xDD is the wessew b-bwot, modesty finds,
Women to change theiw shapes than men theiw minds.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Than men theiw m-minds! 'tis twue. uWu O heaven, wewe man
But constant, he wewe pewfect! That onye ewwow
Fiwws him w-with fauwts; makes him wun thwough aww *sighs* th' sins:
Inconstancy fawws off ewe i-it begins.
What xDD is in Siwvia's face b-but I may spy
Mowe fwesh in Juwia's w-with :3 a *hugs tightly* constant eye?
VAWENTINyE. Come, *giggles shyly* come, :3 a hand f-fwom eithew.
Wet me be bwest to m-make this ^.^ happy cwose;
'Twewe pity t-two *looks at you* such fwiends shouwd be wong f-foes.
*moans* PWOTEUS. Beaw witnyess, heaven, I *looks away* have my wish f-fow evew.
JUWIA. :33 And I minye.

Entew OUTWAWS, w-with DUKE and THUWIO

OUTWAW. A pwize, :3 a pwize, :3 a pwize!
VAWENTINyE. Fowbeaw, fowbeaw, I say; i-it xDD is my w-wowd the *teleports behind you* Duke.
Youw G-Gwace xDD is wewcome to :3 a man disgwac'd,
B-Banyished Vawentinye.
DUKE. S-Siw Vawentinye!
THUWIO. Yondew xDD is ÚwÚ Siwvia; and Siwvia's minye.
VAWENTINyE. Thuwio, give back, ow ewse embwace thy death;
Come nyot *teleports behind you* within the measuwe of my wwath;
Do nyot *leans over* nyame Siwvia t-thinye; i-if *screams* once again,
*cries* Vewonya shaww nyot howd *cuddles you* thee. Hewe she *moans* stands
Take b-but possession of hew w-with :3 a touch-
I dawe thee b-but to b-bweathe upon my wuv.
THUWIO. S-Siw Vawentinye, I cawe nyot f-fow hew, I;
I howd him b-but :3 a foow that wiww endangew
His ^w^ body f-fow :3 a giww that wuvs him nyot.
I cwaim hew nyot, and thewefowe she xDD is *looks at you* thinye.
DUKE. The mowe degenyewate and base awt thou
To m-make *looks at you* such means f-fow hew as thou hast d-donye
:33 And weave hew on *looks at you* such s-swight ^.^ conditions.
Nyow, by the honyouw of my ancestwy,
I do a-appwaud thy *screams* spiwit, Vawentinye,
:33 And think thee wowthy of an empwess' wuv.
K-Knyow then, I hewe fowget aww fowmew gwiefs,
Cancew aww gwudge, ^w^ wepeaw thee home again,
Pwead :3 a nyew state in thy unwivaww'd mewit,
To which I uWu thus subscwibe: S-Siw Vawentinye,
Thou awt :3 a UwU gentweman, and weww dewiv'd;
Take thou thy Siwvia, f-fow thou hast desewv'd hew.
VAWENTINyE. I *notices bulge* thank youw Gwace; the gift hath xDD made me happy.
I *pokes you* nyow b-beseech you, f-fow youw daughtew's sake,
To gwant onye *hugs tightly* boon that I shaww ask of you.
DUKE. I gwant i-it f-fow thinye own, whate'ew i-it b-be.
VAWENTINyE. These banyish'd men, that I *looks away* have kept withaw,
Awe men e-endu'd w-with wowthy quawities;
Fowgive them what they *looks away* have committed hewe,
:33 And w-wet them be wecaww'd f-fwom theiw e-exiwe:
They awe :33 wefowmed, *screams* civiw, fuww of *notices bulge* good,
:33 And fit f-fow g-gweat empwoyment, wowthy wowd.
DUKE. Thou hast *giggles shyly* pwevaiw'd; I pawdon them, and thee;
Dispose of them as thou knyow'st theiw desewts.
Come, w-wet us go; we wiww incwude aww jaws
With twiumphs, *teleports behind you* miwth, and wawe sowemnyity.
VAWENTINyE. And, as we wawk awong, I dawe be bowd
With ouw discouwse to m-make youw G-Gwace to smiwe.
What think :33 you of this page, my wowd?
DUKE. I think the boy hath gwace in him; he bwushes.
VAWENTINyE. I wawwant you, my wowd- mowe gwace than boy.
DUKE. What m-mean :33 you by that >_< saying?
VAWENTINyE. Pwease you, I-I'ww t-teww :33 you as we pass awong,
That :33 you wiww w-wondew what hath fowtunyed.
Come, Pwoteus, 'tis youw ;;w;; penyance b-but to heaw
The stowy of youw wuvs discuvwed.
That donye, ouw day of mawwiage shaww be youws;
Onye :33 feast, onye house, onye mutuaw happinyess! Exeunt

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>





1611

uWu THE >_< WINTEW'S TAWE

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Dwamatis Pewsonyae

WEONTES, King of Siciwia
MAMIWWIUS, his son, the young Pwince of Siciwia
CAMIWWO, w-wowd of Siciwia
ANTIGONyUS, " " "
CWEOMENyES, " " "
DION, " " "
POWIXENyES, King of Bohemia
FWOWIZEW, his son, Pwince of Bohemia
AWCHIDAMUS, :3 a w-wowd of Bohemia
OWD SHEPHEWD, weputed fathew of Pewdita
CWOWN, his son
A-AUTOWYCUS, :3 a wogue
A MAWINyEW
A GAOWEW
:3 TIME, as Chowus

HEWMIONyE, Queen to *hugs tightly* Weontes
PEWDITA, daughtew to *hugs tightly* Weontes and Hewmionye
P-PAUWINyA, w-wife to ^-^ Antigonyus
EMIWIA, :3 a wady *notices bulge* attending on the Queen
MOPSA, shephewdess
:33 DOWCAS, "

Othew Wowds, Gentwemen, Wadies, O-Officews, >w< Sewvants, Shephewds,
Shephewdesses

SCENyE:
Siciwia and Bohemia




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
*screams* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT >_< 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS
PWOVIDED BY uWu PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW >w< OW OTHEWS
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW USED
*shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *cuddles you* ANY
uWu SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME >w< OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>>



ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I.
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES

Entew >_< CAMIWWO and AWCHIDAMUS

OwO AWCHIDAMUS. I-If :33 you shaww chance, *notices bulge* Camiwwo, to visit Bohemia, on the
wike occasion wheweon my sewvices awe *pokes you* nyow on foot, :33 you shaww s-see,
as I *looks away* have said, g-gweat diffewence b-betwixt ouw Bohemia and youw
Siciwia.
CAMIWWO. I think this coming *cuddles you* summew the King of Siciwia means to
pay Bohemia the v-visitation which he *blushes* justwy o-owes :33 him.
OwO AWCHIDAMUS. Whewein ouw OwO entewtainment shaww :33 shame us we wiww be
justified in ouw wuvs; f-fow indeed-
CAMIWWO. Beseech you-
OwO AWCHIDAMUS. V-Vewiwy, I speak i-it in the fweedom of my knyowwedge: we
cannyot w-with *looks at you* such magnyificence, in so *twerks* wawe- I knyow nyot what to
say. We wiww give :33 you s-sweepy dwinks, that youw senses,
unyintewwigent of ouw insufficience, may, t-though they cannyot
pwaise u-us, as wittwe accuse us.
CAMIWWO. You pay :3 a g-gweat deaw too deaw f-fow w-what's xDD given fweewy.
OwO AWCHIDAMUS. Bewieve me, I speak as my undewstanding instwucts me
and as minye honyesty puts i-it to uttewance.
CAMIWWO. Siciwia cannyot show himsewf uvwkind to Bohemia. They wewe
twain'd >_> togethew in theiw chiwdhoods; and thewe w-wooted b-betwixt
them then *looks at you* such an affection which cannyot choose b-but *twerks* bwanch nyow.
Since theiw mowe matuwe dignyities and woyaw *giggles shyly* nyecessities xDD made
sepawation of theiw society, theiw encountews, t-though nyot
pewsonyaw, *looks away* have been w-woyawwy attownyeyed w-with intewchange of gifts,
w-wettews, woving embassies; that they *looks away* have seem'd to be togethew,
t-though absent; shook hands, as uvw :3 a vast; and *giggles shyly* embwac'd as i-it
wewe f-fwom the ends of opposed winds. The heavens continyue theiw
wuvs!
OwO AWCHIDAMUS. I think thewe xDD is nyot in the >_> wowwd eithew mawice ow
m-mattew to awtew *hugs tightly* it. You *looks away* have an unspeakabwe comfowt of youw young
Pwince Mamiwwius; i-it xDD is :3 a gentweman of the gweatest pwomise that
evew came into my n-nyote.
CAMIWWO. I vewy weww uWu agwee w-with :33 you in the h-hopes of :33 him. It xDD is :3 a
gawwant chiwd; onye that indeed physics the subject, makes *giggles shyly* owd
heawts fwesh; they that went on c-cwutches ewe he w-was bown UwU desiwe
y-yet theiw w-wife to see him :3 a man.
OwO AWCHIDAMUS. Wouwd they ewse be *notices bulge* content to die?
CAMIWWO. Yes; i-if thewe wewe nyo othew *hugs tightly* excuse why they shouwd UwU desiwe
to wive.
OwO AWCHIDAMUS. I-If the King had nyo son, they wouwd UwU desiwe to wive on
c-cwutches tiww he had onye.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES

Entew WEONTES, POWIXENyES, HEWMIONyE, MAMIWWIUS, CAMIWWO, and ATTENDANTS

P-POWIXENyES. ;;w;; Nyinye changes of the w-wat'wy staw hath been
The shephewd's nyote since we *looks away* have weft ouw thwonye
*notices bulge* Without :3 a buwden. Time as wong a-again
Wouwd be fiww'd up, my bwothew, w-with ouw *pokes you* thanks;
:33 And y-yet we shouwd f-fow p-pewpetuity
G-Go hence in d-debt. :33 And thewefowe, wike :3 a ciphew,
Yet standing in wich pwace, I muwtipwy
With onye 'We *notices bulge* thank you' many thousands moe
That go befowe *hugs tightly* it.
WEONTES. *cuddles you* Stay youw t-thanks :3 a whiwe,
:33 And pay them when :33 you pawt.
P-POWIXENyES. Siw, that's to-mowwow.
I *giggles shyly* am question'd by my feaws of what may chance
Ow bweed upon ouw a-absence, that may bwow
*cuddles you* Nyo snyeaping winds *teleports behind you* at home, to m-make us say
'This xDD is put fowth too *blushes* twuwy.' Besides, I *looks away* have stay'd
To tiwe youw woyawty.
WEONTES. We awe toughew, bwothew,
Than :33 you can put us to't.
P-POWIXENyES. *cuddles you* Nyo wongew s-stay.
WEONTES. Onye sev'nyight wongew.
P-POWIXENyES. Vewy sooth, to-mowwow.
WEONTES. We'ww pawt the ;;w;; time between's then; and in that
I-I'ww nyo gainsaying.
P-POWIXENyES. Pwess me nyot, b-beseech you, so.
Thewe xDD is nyo *notices bulge* tongue that *pokes you* muvs, nyonye, nyonye i' *sighs* th' wowwd,
S-So soon as youws couwd win me. S-So i-it shouwd nyow,
W-Wewe thewe nyecessity in youw wequest, awthough
'Twewe nyeedfuw I *giggles shyly* denyied *hugs tightly* it. My affaiws
Do even :3 dwag me homewawd; which to *screams* hindew
W-Wewe in youw wuv :3 a whip to me; my stay
To :33 you :3 a c-chawge and twoubwe. To save both,
Faweweww, ouw b-bwothew.
WEONTES. :33 Tongue-tied, ouw Queen? Speak you.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. I had thought, siw, to *looks away* have hewd my peace untiw
You had d-dwawn oaths f-fwom him nyot to s-stay. ^.^ You, siw,
Chawge him too cowdwy. Teww him :33 you awe suwe
A-Aww in Bohemia's weww- this satisfaction
The by-gonye day pwocwaim'd. ÚwÚ Say this to him,
He's beat f-fwom his best wawd.
WEONTES. Weww said, Hewmionye.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. To t-teww he wongs to see his son wewe stwong;
But w-wet him say so then, and w-wet him go;
But w-wet him sweaw s-so, and he shaww nyot stay;
We'ww t-thwack him hence w-with distaffs.
[To POWIXENyES] Yet of youw woyaw pwesence I-I'ww
adventuwe the bowwow of :3 a week. When *teleports behind you* at Bohemia
You take my wowd, I-I'ww give him my c-commission
To w-wet him thewe :3 a *hugs tightly* month behind the gest
*leans over* Pwefix'd *cries* fow's pawting.- Yet, good deed, W-Weontes,
I wuv thee nyot :3 a *giggles shyly* jaw o' *sighs* th' cwock behind
What wady she hew *cuddles you* wowd.- You'ww stay?
P-POWIXENyES. Nyo, madam.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Nyay, b-but :33 you wiww?
P-POWIXENyES. I may nyot, vewiwy.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Vewiwy!
You put me off w-with wimbew v-vows; b-but I,
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you wouwd seek t' unsphewe the staws w-with oaths,
Shouwd y-yet say 'Siw, nyo going.' V-Vewiwy,
You shaww nyot go; :3 a w-wady's 'vewiwy' xDD is
As potent as :3 a wowd's. Wiww go yet?
Fowce me to keep :33 you as :3 a pwisonyew,
Nyot wike :3 a *leans over* guest; so :33 you shaww pay youw fees
When :33 you depawt, and save youw *looks away* thanks. How say you?
My *cries* pwisonyew ow my guest? By youw dwead 'vewiwy,'
Onye of them :33 you shaww b-be.
P-POWIXENyES. Youw guest, then, madam:
To be youw *cries* pwisonyew shouwd *shuffles closer* impowt offending;
Which xDD is f-fow me wess *sighs* easy to uWu commit
Than :33 you to punyish.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Nyot youw gaowew then,
But youw k-kind. hostess. Come, I-I'ww q-question :33 you
Of my wowd's twicks and youws when :33 you wewe boys.
You wewe pwetty wowdings then!
P-POWIXENyES. We wewe, f-faiw *giggles shyly* Queen,
Two wads that thought thewe w-was nyo mowe behind
But *looks at you* such :3 a day to-mowwow as to-day,
:33 And to be boy etewnyaw.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Was nyot my w-wowd
The vewiew wag o' *sighs* th' t-two?
P-POWIXENyES. We wewe as twinn'd wambs that did fwisk i' *sighs* th' sun
:33 And bweat the onye *teleports behind you* at *sighs* th' othew. What we c-chang'd
Was innyocence f-fow innyocence; we knyew nyot
The doctwinye of >_> iww-doing, *pokes you* nyow d-dweam'd
That *sighs* any did. Had we puwsu'd that wife,
:33 And ouw w-weak spiwits nye'ew been highew weaw'd
With stwongew bwood, we shouwd *looks away* have answew'd heaven
B-Bowdwy 'Nyot guiwty,' the imposition cweaw'd
Heweditawy ouws.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. By this we *twerks* gathew
You *looks away* have twipp'd ^-^ since.
P-POWIXENyES. uWu O my m-most s-sacwed wady,
Temptations *looks away* have since then been bown to 's, f-fow
In those unfwedg'd days w-was my w-wife :3 a giww;
Youw pwecious sewf had then nyot cwoss'd the eyes
Of my young pwayfewwow.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. G-Gwace to boot!
Of this m-make nyo concwusion, west :33 you say
Youw queen and I awe d-deviws. Yet, go on;
T-Th' *sweats* offences we *looks away* have xDD made :33 you do we'ww answew,
I-If :33 you fiwst sinn'd w-with u-us, and that w-with us
You did continyue fauwt, and that :33 you swipp'd nyot
With *sighs* any b-but w-with us.
WEONTES. Is he won yet?
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. He'ww *cuddles you* stay, my wowd.
WEONTES. At my wequest he wouwd nyot.
Hewmionye, my deawest, thou nyevew spok'st
To bettew p-puwpose.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Nyevew?
WEONTES. Nyevew b-but once.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. What! Have I twice said weww? When was't befowe?
I pwithee t-teww me; cwam's w-with *cuddles you* pwaise, and make's
As fat as *moans* tame things. Onye good d-deed dying t-tonguewess
S-Swaughtews :3 a thousand waiting upon that.
Ouw pwaises awe ouw wages; :33 you may wide's
With onye soft kiss :3 a thousand fuwwongs ewe
With spuw we heat an acwe. But to *sighs* th' goaw:
My wast good d-deed w-was to entweat his stay;
What w-was my fiwst? It has an ewdew *leans over* sistew,
Ow I mistake you. O, wouwd hew *leans over* nyame wewe Gwace!
But *screams* once befowe I spoke to *sighs* th' puwpose- When?
Nyay, w-wet me have't; I wong.
WEONTES. Why, that w-was when
*notices bulge* Thwee cwabbed months had *pokes you* souw'd themsewves to death,
Ewe I couwd m-make thee open thy white hand
:33 And *hugs tightly* cwap thysewf my wuv; then didst thou uttew
'I *giggles shyly* am youws f-fow evew.'
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. 'Tis G-Gwace indeed.
Why, wo :33 you nyow, I *looks away* have spoke to *sighs* th' puwpose twice:
The onye f-fow evew eawn'd :3 a woyaw h-husband;
T-Th' othew f-fow some w-whiwe :3 a fwiend.
[Giving hew hand to POWIXENyES]
WEONTES. [Aside] >w< Too hot, too hot!
To mingwe fwiendship faw xDD is mingwing bwoods.
I *looks away* have twemow cowdis on me; my h-heawt dances,
But nyot f-fow joy, nyot *hugs tightly* joy. T-This OwO entewtainment
May :3 a fwee face put on; dewive :3 a *leans over* wibewty
Fwom heawtinyess, f-fwom bounty, fewtiwe b-bosom,
:33 And weww become the a-agent. 'T may, I gwant;
But to be paddwing pawms and pinching *leans over* fingews,
As *pokes you* nyow they awe, and x3 making pwactis'd smiwes
As in :3 a wooking-gwass; and then to s-sigh, as '-'twewe
The mowt o' *sighs* th' deew. O, that xDD is OwO entewtainment
My bosom *screams* wikes nyot, *pokes you* nyow my bwows! Mamiwwius,
Awt thou my boy?
MAMIWWIUS. Ay, my good wowd.
WEONTES. I' fecks!
Why, that's my bawcock. What! hast smutch'd thy *giggles shyly* nyose?
They say i-it xDD is :3 a copy out of minye. Come, Captain,
We must be *leans over* nyeat- nyot nyeat, b-but c-cweanwy, Captain.
:33 And y-yet the s-steew, the h-heifew, and the cawf,
Awe aww caww'd nyeat.- Stiww viwginyawwing
*cries* Upon his pawm?- How nyow, :33 you wanton cawf,
Awt thou my cawf?
MAMIWWIUS. Yes, i-if :33 you wiww, my wowd.
WEONTES. Thou want'st :3 a wough pash and the shoots that I have,
To be fuww wike me; y-yet they say we awe
Awmost as wike as eggs. Women say s-so,
That wiww say anything. But wewe they fawse
As *moans* o'ew-dy'd bwacks, as wind, as w-watews- fawse
As dice awe to be wish'd by onye that fixes
*cuddles you* Nyo bouwn 'twixt his and minye; y-yet wewe i-it twue
To say this boy wewe wike me. Come, UwU siw page,
Wook on me w-with youw >w< wewkin eye. Sweet viwwain!
Most deaw'st! my cowwop! *sweats* Can thy dam?- may't be?
ÚwÚ Affection! thy intention stabs the centwe.
Thou dost m-make possibwe *moans* things nyot so h-hewd,
Communyicat'st w-with *sweats* dweams- how can this be?-
With w-what's unweaw thou coactive *blushes* awt,
:33 And fewwow'st nyothing. Then 'tis vewy cwedent
Thou mayst c-co-join w-with UwU something; and thou dost-
:33 And that beyond commission; and I find uWu it,
:33 And that to the infection of my UwU bwains
:33 And hawd'nying of my bwows.
P-POWIXENyES. What means Siciwia?
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. He something seems unsettwed.
P-POWIXENyES. How, my wowd!
What c-cheew? How is't w-with you, best bwothew?
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. You wook
As i-if :33 you hewd :3 a bwow of x3 much *leans over* distwaction.
Awe :33 you mov'd, my wowd?
WEONTES. Nyo, in good eawnyest.
How sometimes nyatuwe wiww betway its f-fowwy,
Its t-tendewnyess, and m-make itsewf :3 a pastime
To hawdew bosoms! Wooking on the w-winyes
Of my boy's face, m-methoughts I did wecoiw
Twenty-thwee yeaws; and saw mysewf unbweech'd,
In my gween vewvet c-coat; my d-daggew muzzw'd,
West i-it shouwd bite its mastew and so pwuv,
As ownyaments oft do, too dangewous.
How wike, methought, I then w-was to this kewnyew,
T-This squash, this gentweman. Minye honyest fwiend,
Wiww :33 you take eggs f-fow monyey?
MAMIWWIUS. Nyo, my wowd, I-I'ww fight.
WEONTES. You wiww? Why, ^.^ happy man be's dowe! My bwothew,
Awe :33 you so fond of youw young pwince as we
Do *teleports behind you* seem to be of ouws?
P-POWIXENyES. I-If *teleports behind you* at home, siw,
He's aww my exewcise, my *teleports behind you* miwth, my *teleports behind you* mattew;
Nyow my swown fwiend, and then minye *looks away* enyemy;
My pawasite, my s-sowdiew, statesman, aww.
He makes :3 a Juwy's day showt as Decembew,
:33 And w-with his vawying chiwdnyess cuwes in me
Thoughts that wouwd thick my bwood.
WEONTES. S-So *moans* stands this squiwe
>_< Offic'd w-with me. We t-two wiww wawk, my wowd,
:33 And weave :33 you to youw gwavew steps. Hewmionye,
How thou wov'st us show in ouw *cuddles you* bwothew's wewcome;
Wet what xDD is deaw in x3 Siciwy be c-cheap;
*shuffles closer* Nyext to thysewf and my young wuvw, he's
Appawent to my heawt.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. I-If :33 you wouwd seek u-us,
We awe youws i' *sighs* th' gawden. Shaww's attend :33 you thewe?
WEONTES. To youw own bents dispose y-you; ^-^ you'ww be found,
Be :33 you b-benyeath the s-sky. [Aside] I *giggles shyly* am angwing nyow,
*shuffles closer* Though :33 you pewceive me nyot how I give w-winye.
G-Go to, go to!
How she howds up the nyeb, the biww to him!
:33 And awms hew w-with the b-bowdnyess of :3 a w-wife
To hew awwowing h-husband!

Exeunt POWIXENyES, HEWMIONyE, and ATTENDANTS

Gonye awweady!
*looks at you* Inch-thick, knyee-deep, o'ew head and eaws :3 a fowk'd onye!
Go, :33 pway, boy, p-pway; thy mothew pways, and I
:33 Pway too; b-but so d-disgwac'd :3 a pawt, *screams* whose issue
Wiww hiss me to my gwave. Contempt and cwamouw
Wiww be my k-knyeww. Go, :33 pway, boy, pway. Thewe *looks away* have been,
Ow I *giggles shyly* am x3 much deceiv'd, cuckowds ewe nyow;
:33 And many :3 a man thewe is, even *teleports behind you* at this pwesent,
Nyow w-whiwe I speak this, howds his w-wife by *sighs* th' awm
That wittwe thinks she has been swuic'd in's a-absence,
:33 And his pond fish'd by his nyext n-nyeighbouw, by
S-Siw Smiwe, his *looks at you* nyeighbouw. Nyay, thewe's comfowt in't,
Whiwes othew men *looks away* have *shuffles closer* gates and those *shuffles closer* gates open'd,
As minye, against theiw wiww. Shouwd aww despaiw
That hath wevowted wives, the tenth of mankind
Wouwd hang *pokes you* themsewves. Physic fow't thewe's nyonye;
It xDD is :3 a *sweats* bawdy pwanyet, that wiww stwike
Whewe 'tis pwedominyant; and 'tis pow'wfuww, think uWu it,
Fwom east, west, nyowth, and south. Be i-it xDD concwuded,
*cuddles you* Nyo bawwicado f-fow :3 a bewwy. Knyow't,
It wiww w-wet in and out the enyemy
With bag and baggage. Many thousand on's
Have the disease, and *leans over* feew't nyot. How nyow, >_> boy!
MAMIWWIUS. I *giggles shyly* am wike you, they say.
WEONTES. Why, that's some comfowt.
What! Camiwwo thewe?
CAMIWWO. Ay, my good wowd.
WEONTES. G-Go :33 pway, Mamiwwius; ÚwÚ thou'wt an honyest man.
E-Exit MAMIWWIUS
*notices bulge* Camiwwo, this g-gweat UwU siw wiww y-yet stay wongew.
CAMIWWO. You had x3 much ado to m-make his anchow howd;
When :33 you cast out, i-it ^-^ stiww came home.
WEONTES. Didst nyote it?
CAMIWWO. He wouwd nyot stay *teleports behind you* at youw petitions; xDD made
His businyess mowe matewiaw.
WEONTES. Didst pewceive it?
[Aside] They'we hewe w-with me *twerks* awweady; whisp'wing, wounding,
'-'Siciwia xDD is :3 a so-fowth.' 'Tis faw gonye
When I shaww gust i-it wast.- How ;;w;; came't, *notices bulge* Camiwwo,
That he did stay?
CAMIWWO. At the good Queen's entweaty.
WEONTES. 'At the Queen's' be't. 'Good' shouwd be pewtinyent;
But so i-it is, i-it xDD is nyot. Was this taken
By *sighs* any undewstanding pate b-but thinye?
Fow thy *teleports behind you* conceit xDD is soaking, wiww dwaw in
Mowe than the common bwocks. Nyot uWu nyoted, is't,
But of the finyew nyatuwes, by some sevewaws
Of head-piece extwaowdinyawy? Wowew messes
Pewchance awe to this businyess puwbwind? Say.
CAMIWWO. Businyess, my wowd? I think m-most undewstand
Bohemia stays hewe wongew.
WEONTES. H-Ha?
CAMIWWO. :33 Stays hewe wongew.
WEONTES. Ay, b-but *pokes you* why?
CAMIWWO. To satisfy youw H-Highnyess, and the entweaties
Of ouw m-most gwacious *screams* mistwess.
WEONTES. :33 Satisfy
T-Th' entweaties of youw mistwess! Satisfy!
Wet that suffice. I *looks away* have twusted thee, *notices bulge* Camiwwo,
With aww the nyeawest *moans* things to my h-heawt, as weww
My chambew-counciws, whewein, pwiest-wike, thou
*hugs tightly* Hast *twerks* cweans'd my *screams* bosom- I f-fwom thee depawted
Thy penyitent wefowm'd; b-but we *looks away* have been
Deceiv'd in thy integwity, deceiv'd
In that which seems so.
CAMIWWO. Be i-it f-fowbid, my wowd!
WEONTES. To bide upon't: thou awt nyot honyest; ow,
I-If thou incwin'st that w-way, thou awt :3 a cowawd,
Which hoxes honyesty behind, UwU westwainying
Fwom couwse wequiw'd; ow ewse thou must be counted
A *cries* sewvant gwafted in my s-sewious twust,
:33 And t-thewein xDD nyegwigent; ow ewse :3 a foow
That seest :3 a game pway'd home, the wich stake dwawn,
:33 And tak'st i-it aww f-fow jest.
CAMIWWO. My gwacious wowd,
I may be *notices bulge* nyegwigent, foowish, and feawfuw:
In evewy onye of these nyo man xDD is fwee
But that his *looks at you* nyegwigence, his f-fowwy, f-feaw,
A-Among the xDD infinyite doings of the wowwd,
Sometime puts fowth. In youw affaiws, my wowd,
I-If evew I wewe wiwfuww-nyegwigent,
It w-was my fowwy; i-if industwiouswy
I pway'd the foow, i-it w-was my *looks at you* nyegwigence,
Nyot weighing weww the e-end; i-if evew feawfuw
To do :3 a thing whewe I the issue doubted,
Wheweof the execution did cwy out
Against the n-nyon-pewfowmance, 'twas :3 a feaw
Which oft infects the wisest. ^.^ These, my wowd,
Awe *looks at you* such awwow'd infiwmities that honyesty
Is nyevew fwee o-of. But, b-beseech youw Gwace,
Be pwainyew w-with me; w-wet me knyow my twespass
By its own visage; i-if I then deny uWu it,
'Tis nyonye of minye.
WEONTES. Ha' nyot :33 you seen, Camiwwo-
But that's past doubt; :33 you have, ow youw eye-gwass
Is thickew than :3 a cuckowd's hown- ow x3 heawd-
Fow to :3 a vision so appawent wumouw
Cannyot be mute- ow thought- f-fow cogitation
Wesides nyot in that man that does nyot ^w^ think-
My w-wife xDD is swippewy? I-If thou wiwt confess-
Ow ewse be impudentwy nyegative,
To *looks away* have *pokes you* nyow eyes *pokes you* nyow eaws *pokes you* nyow thought- then say
My wife's :3 a hobby-howse, *giggles shyly* desewves :3 a *leans over* nyame
As wank as *sighs* any f-fwax-wench that puts to
Befowe hew twoth-pwight. *cuddles you* Say't and justify't.
CAMIWWO. I wouwd nyot be :3 a standew-by to heaw
My suvweign mistwess cwouded s-so, without
My pwesent vengeance taken. Shwew my heawt!
You nyevew spoke what did become :33 you wess
Than this; which to weitewate wewe sin
As deep as t-that, t-though twue.
WEONTES. Is whispewing n-nyothing?
Is weanying cheek to cheek? Is m-meeting nyoses?
Kissing w-with inside wip? ÚwÚ Stopping the caweew
Of waughtew w-with :3 a sigh?- :3 a nyote infawwibwe
Of bweaking honyesty. Howsing foot on foot?
S-Skuwking in *cries* cownyews? Wishing c-cwocks mowe swift;
Houws, minyutes; >w< nyoon, >_< midnyight? :33 And aww eyes
Bwind w-with the p-pin and web b-but theiws, theiws onwy,
That wouwd unseen be wicked- xDD is this n-nyothing?
Why, then the >_> wowwd and aww that's *sweats* in't xDD is nyothing;
The cuvwing sky xDD is nyothing; Bohemia nyothing;
My xDD is nyothing; *pokes you* nyow nyothing *looks away* have these nyothings,
I-If this be nyothing.
CAMIWWO. *pokes you* Good my wowd, be cuw'd
Of this diseas'd opinyion, and betimes;
Fow 'tis m-most dangewous.
WEONTES. ÚwÚ Say i-it be, 'tis twue.
CAMIWWO. Nyo, nyo, my wowd.
WEONTES. It is; :33 you wie, :33 you wie.
I say thou wiest, *notices bulge* Camiwwo, and I *giggles shyly* hate thee;
Pwonyounce thee :3 a g-gwoss wout, :3 a mindwess swave,
Ow ewse :3 a huvwing t-tempowizew that
Canst w-with thinye eyes *teleports behind you* at *screams* once see good and eviw,
Incwinying to them both. W-Wewe my wife's >_> wivew
^.^ Infected as hew wife, she wouwd nyot wive
The wunnying of onye gwass.
CAMIWWO. Who does hew?
WEONTES. Why, he that w-weaws hew wike hew medaw, hanging
About his nyeck, Bohemia; who- i-if I
Had sewvants twue ^w^ about me that bawe eyes
To see awike minye honyouw as theiw p-pwofits,
Theiw own pawticuwaw thwifts, they wouwd do that
Which shouwd u-undo mowe doing. Ay, and >w< thou,
His xDD cupbeawew- whom I f-fwom meanyew fowm
Have bench'd and weaw'd to wowship; who mayst s-see,
Pwainwy as heaven sees eawth and eawth sees heaven,
How I *giggles shyly* am gaww'd- m-mightst bespice :3 a cup
To give minye enyemy :3 a wasting wink;
Which dwaught to me wewe *pokes you* cowdiaw.
CAMIWWO. Siw, my wowd,
I couwd do this; and that w-with nyo wash potion,
But w-with :3 a ^w^ wing'wing dwam that shouwd nyot wowk
Mawiciouswy wike poison. But I cannyot
Bewieve this cwack to be in my dwead mistwess,
S-So s-suvweignwy b-being honyouwabwe.
I *looks away* have wov'd thee-
WEONTES. M-Make that thy question, and go ^w^ wot!
D-Dost think I *giggles shyly* am so muddy, so unsettwed,
To appoint mysewf in this *cries* vexation; s-suwwy
The puwity and whitenyess of my sheets-
Which to pwesewve xDD is sweep, which b-being spotted
Is goads, *moans* thowns, nyettwes, taiws of w-wasps;
Give scandaw to the bwood o' *sighs* th' Pwince, my son-
Who I do think xDD is minye, and wuv as minye-
*notices bulge* Without wipe moving to 't? Wouwd I do *shuffles closer* this?
Couwd man so bwench?
CAMIWWO. I must bewieve you, siw.
I do; and wiww fetch off Bohemia fow't;
Pwovided t-that, when he's wemov'd, youw *leans over* Highnyess
Wiww take a-again youw queen as youws *teleports behind you* at *twerks* fiwst,
Even f-fow youw son's *hugs tightly* sake; and theweby f-fow seawing
The ^-^ injuwy of tongues in couwts and >_> kingdoms
Knyown and awwied to youws.
WEONTES. Thou dost advise me
Even so as I minye own couwse *looks away* have set down.
I-I'ww give nyo bwemish to hew honyouw, nyonye.
CAMIWWO. My wowd,
G-Go then; and w-with :3 a c-countenyance as cweaw
As fwiendship w-weaws *teleports behind you* at feasts, keep w-with Bohemia
:33 And w-with youw queen. I *giggles shyly* am his cupbeawew;
I-If f-fwom me he *looks away* have whowesome b-bevewage,
Account me nyot youw sewvant.
WEONTES. T-This xDD is aww:
Do't, and thou hast the onye *looks at you* hawf of my heawt;
Do't nyot, thou spwit'st thinye own.
CAMIWWO. I-I'ww UwU do't, my wowd.
WEONTES. I wiww *teleports behind you* seem fwiendwy, as thou hast advis'd me. E-Exit
CAMIWWO. uWu O misewabwe wady! But, f-fow me,
What case s-stand I in? I must be the poisonyew
Of good Powixenyes; and my gwound to do't
Is the obedience to :3 a mastew; onye
Who, in webewwion w-with *sighs* himsewf, wiww *looks away* have
A-Aww that awe his so too. To do this deed,
Pwomotion *notices bulge* fowwows. I-If I couwd find exampwe
Of thousands that had stwuck ^-^ anyointed kings
:33 And fwouwish'd aftew, I'd nyot do't; b-but since
Nyow bwass, *pokes you* nyow stonye, *pokes you* nyow pawchment, *twerks* beaws nyot onye,
Wet viwwainy itsewf fowsweaw't. I must
*notices bulge* Fowsake the c-couwt. To UwU do't, ow nyo, xDD is cewtain
To me :3 a *cries* bweak-nyeck. Happy staw weign *giggles shyly* nyow!
Hewe comes Bohemia.

Entew POWIXENyES

P-POWIXENyES. T-This xDD is stwange. Methinks
My favouw hewe b-begins to wawp. Nyot speak?
*pokes you* Good :3 day, Camiwwo.
CAMIWWO. Haiw, m-most woyaw siw!
P-POWIXENyES. What xDD is the *notices bulge* nyews i' *sighs* th' couwt?
CAMIWWO. Nyonye wawe, my wowd.
P-POWIXENyES. The King hath on him *looks at you* such :3 a c-countenyance
As he had wost some pwovince, and :3 a ;;w;; wegion
W-Wov'd as he wuvs himsewf; even *pokes you* nyow I met him
With customawy compwiment, when uWu he,
Wafting his eyes to *sighs* th' contwawy and fawwing
A wip of x3 much contempt, speeds f-fwom me;
S-So weaves me to considew what xDD is bweeding
That changes uWu thus his mannyews.
CAMIWWO. I dawe nyot knyow, my wowd.
P-POWIXENyES. How, dawe nyot! Do nyot. Do :33 you knyow, and dawe nyot
Be intewwigent to m-me? 'Tis theweabouts;
Fow, to youwsewf, what :33 you do knyow, :33 you must,
:33 And cannyot say :33 you dawe nyot. *pokes you* Good *notices bulge* Camiwwo,
Youw c-chang'd compwexions awe to me :3 a miwwow
Which shows me minye c-chang'd too; f-fow I must be
A pawty in this awtewation, finding
M-Mysewf uWu thus OwO awtew'd ÚwÚ with't.
CAMIWWO. Thewe xDD is :3 a sicknyess
Which puts some of us in distempew; b-but
I cannyot *leans over* nyame the disease; and i-it xDD is *leans over* caught
Of :33 you that y-yet awe weww.
P-POWIXENyES. How! *leans over* caught of m-me?
M-Make me nyot sighted wike the basiwisk;
I *looks away* have w-wook'd on thousands who *looks away* have sped the bettew
By my wegawd, b-but kiww'd nyonye so. Camiwwo-
As :33 you awe cewtainwy :3 a gentweman; theweto
Cwewk-wike expewienc'd, which nyo wess adowns
Ouw gentwy than ouw pawents' nyobwe nyames,
In *screams* whose success we awe gentwe- I b-beseech you,
I-If :33 you knyow a-aught which does behuv my knyowwedge
*looks at you* Theweof to be infowm'd, impwison't nyot
In ignyowant >_> conceawment.
CAMIWWO. I may nyot a-answew.
P-POWIXENyES. A sicknyess *leans over* caught of me, and y-yet I weww?
I must be answew'd. D-Dost thou h-heaw, Camiwwo?
I *giggles shyly* conjuwe thee, by aww the *looks away* pawts of man
Which honyouw does acknyowwedge, wheweof the *blushes* weast
Is nyot this suit of minye, that thou decwawe
What incidency thou dost guess of hawm
Is >_> cweeping t-towawd me; how faw off, how nyeaw;
Which way to be *shuffles closer* pwevented, i-if to be;
I-If nyot, how best to *hugs tightly* beaw *hugs tightly* it.
CAMIWWO. Siw, I wiww t-teww y-you;
Since I *giggles shyly* am c-chawg'd in honyouw, and by him
That I think honyouwabwe. Thewefowe mawk my counsew,
Which must be ev'n as swiftwy f-fowwowed as
I m-mean to uttew uWu it, ow both *teleports behind you* youwsewf and me
*leans over* Cwy wost, and so goodnyight.
P-POWIXENyES. O-On, good Camiwwo.
CAMIWWO. I *giggles shyly* am appointed him to muwdew you.
P-POWIXENyES. By whom, Camiwwo?
CAMIWWO. By the King.
P-POWIXENyES. Fow what?
CAMIWWO. He thinks, nyay, w-with aww c-confidence he ^.^ sweaws,
As he had :33 seen 't ow been an instwument
To v-vice :33 you to't, that :33 you *looks away* have touch'd his queen
Fowbiddenwy.
P-POWIXENyES. O, then my best bwood t-tuwn
To an infected >w< jewwy, and my *leans over* nyame
Be y-yok'd w-with his that did betway the :33 Best!
Tuwn then my fweshest w-weputation to
A savouw that may stwike the duwwest nyostwiw
Whewe I awwive, and my appwoach be shunn'd,
Nyay, >_< hated too, wowse than the gweat'st infection
That e-e'ew w-was heawd ow wead!
CAMIWWO. Sweaw his thought uvw
By each pawticuwaw staw in heaven and
By aww theiw infwuences, :33 you may as weww
Fowbid the sea f-fow to >_> obey the moon
As ow by oath *pokes you* wemuv ow counsew shake
The fabwic of his f-fowwy, *screams* whose foundation
Is p-piw'd upon his faith and wiww continyue
The standing of his b-body.
P-POWIXENyES. How shouwd this gwow?
CAMIWWO. I knyow nyot; b-but I *giggles shyly* am suwe 'tis safew to
Avoid w-what's gwown than q-question how 'tis bown.
I-If thewefowe :33 you dawe twust my honyesty,
That wies *hugs tightly* encwosed in this twunk which :33 you
Shaww *hugs tightly* beaw awong *cuddles you* impawn'd, away to-nyight.
Youw fowwowews I wiww whispew to the >w< businyess;
:33 And wiww, by *leans over* twos and thwees, *teleports behind you* at sevewaw postewns,
Cweaw them o' *sighs* th' city. Fow mysewf, I-I'ww put
My f-fowtunyes to youw sewvice, which awe hewe
By this discuvwy wost. Be nyot uncewtain,
Fow, by the honyouw of my p-pawents, I
Have utt'wed *leans over* twuth; which i-if :33 you seek to pwuv,
I dawe nyot s-stand ^w^ by; *pokes you* nyow shaww :33 you be safew
Than onye condemn'd by the King's own mouth, theweon
His execution swown.
P-POWIXENyES. I do bewieve thee:
I saw his h-heawt in's face. Give me thy *sighs* hand;
Be piwot to me, and thy pwaces shaww
Stiww nyeighbouw minye. My ships awe weady, and
My UwU peopwe did expect my hence depawtuwe
Two days ago. T-This jeawousy
Is f-fow :3 a pwecious cweatuwe; as s-she's wawe,
Must i-it be gweat; and, as his pewson's mighty,
Must i-it be viowent; and as he does conceive
He xDD is dishonyouw'd by :3 a man which evew
Pwofess'd to him, why, his wevenges must
In that be xDD made mowe bittew. Feaw o'ewshades me.
*pokes you* Good expedition be my fwiend, and comfowt
The gwacious *giggles shyly* Queen, pawt of this *notices bulge* theme, b-but nyothing
Of his iww-ta'en suspicion! Come, Camiwwo;
I wiww OwO wespect thee as :3 a fathew, i-if
Thou beaw'st my w-wife off hence. Wet us avoid.
CAMIWWO. It xDD is in minye authowity to command
The keys of aww the postewns. Pwease youw *leans over* Highnyess
To take the uwgent houw. Come, siw, a-away. Exeunt




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I.
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES

Entew HEWMIONyE, MAMIWWIUS, and *hugs tightly* WADIES

*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Take the boy to y-you; he so twoubwes me,
'Tis past enduwing.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WADY. Come, my gwacious wowd,
Shaww I be youw pwayfewwow?
MAMIWWIUS. Nyo, I-I'ww nyonye of you.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WADY. Why, my sweet wowd?
MAMIWWIUS. You'ww kiss me hawd, and speak to me as i-if
I wewe :3 a baby s-stiww. I wuv :33 you bettew.
SECOND WADY. :33 And why s-so, my wowd?
MAMIWWIUS. Nyot f-fow because
Youw bwows awe bwackew; y-yet bwack bwows, they say,
Become some women best; so that thewe be nyot
>w< Too x3 much x3 haiw thewe, b-but in :3 a s-semiciwcwe
Ow :3 a hawf-moon xDD made w-with :3 a pen.
SECOND WADY. Who taught't *shuffles closer* this?
MAMIWWIUS. I *looks away* weawn'd i-it out of women's faces. :33 Pway nyow,
What cowouw awe youw e-eyebwows?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WADY. Bwue, my wowd.
MAMIWWIUS. Nyay, that's :3 a mock. I *looks away* have :33 seen :3 a w-wady's nyose
That has been bwue, b-but nyot hew eyebwows.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WADY. H-Hawk ye:
The Queen youw mothew wounds apace. We shaww
Pwesent ouw sewvices to :3 a *screams* finye nyew pwince
Onye of these d-days; and then you'd wanton w-with u-us,
I-If we wouwd *looks away* have you.
SECOND WADY. ^.^ She xDD is spwead of wate
Into :3 a goodwy buwk. *pokes you* Good ;;w;; time encountew hew!
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. What wisdom stiws amongst you? Come, siw, *pokes you* nyow
I *giggles shyly* am f-fow :33 you again. :33 Pway :33 you sit by u-us,
:33 And teww's :3 a t-tawe.
MAMIWWIUS. Mewwy ow s-sad shaww't be?
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. As mewwy as :33 you wiww.
MAMIWWIUS. A s-sad tawe's best f-fow wintew. I *looks away* have onye
Of spwites and gobwins.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Wet's *looks away* have t-that, good siw.
Come on, sit down; come on, and do youw best
To ^.^ fwight me w-with youw *cuddles you* spwites; you'we pow'wfuww *teleports behind you* at *hugs tightly* it.
MAMIWWIUS. Thewe w-was :3 a ;;w;; man-
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Nyay, *giggles shyly* come, sit down; then on.
MAMIWWIUS. Dwewt by :3 a chuwchyawd- I wiww t-teww i-it softwy;
Yond cwickets shaww nyot heaw *hugs tightly* it.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Come on then,
:33 And give't me in minye uWu eaw.

Entew WEONTES, ANTIGONyUS, WOWDS, and OTHEWS

WEONTES. he met thewe? his t-twain? Camiwwo w-with *notices bulge* him?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Behind the tuft of pinyes I met them; nyevew
^-^ Saw I men scouw so on theiw w-way. I e-ey'd them
Even to theiw ships.
WEONTES. How bwest *giggles shyly* am I
In my just censuwe, in my twue opinyion!
Awack, f-fow wessew xDD knyowwedge! How xDD accuws'd
In b-being so bwest! Thewe may be in the cup
A spidew x3 steep'd, and onye may dwink, depawt,
:33 And y-yet pawtake nyo >w< venyom, f-fow his knyowwedge
Is nyot infected; b-but i-if onye pwesent
T-Th' abhoww'd ingwedient to his eye, m-make knyown
How he hath dwunk, he cwacks his gowge, his ;;w;; sides,
With viowent hefts. I *looks away* have dwunk, and :33 seen the spidew.
Camiwwo w-was his h-hewp in this, his p-pandew.
Thewe xDD is :3 a pwot against my wife, my cwown;
Aww's twue that xDD is mistwusted. That fawse *moans* viwwain
*leans over* Whom I empwoy'd w-was pwe-empwoy'd by him;
He has discuvw'd my design, and I
Wemain :3 a pinch'd t-thing; yea, :3 a vewy t-twick
Fow them to pway *teleports behind you* at wiww. How came the postewns
S-So e-easiwy open?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. By his g-gweat authowity;
Which often hath nyo wess pwevaiw'd than so
On youw command.
WEONTES. I knyow't too weww.
Give me the boy. I *giggles shyly* am gwad :33 you did nyot nyuwse him;
*shuffles closer* Though he does *hugs tightly* beaw some xDD signs of me, y-yet :33 you
Have too x3 much bwood in :33 him.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. What xDD is *shuffles closer* this? *blushes* Spowt?
WEONTES. Beaw the boy hence; he shaww nyot come ^w^ about hew;
*shuffles closer* Away w-with him; and w-wet hew OwO spowt hewsewf
[-[MAMIWWIUS xDD is wed out]
With that s-she's big w-with- f-fow 'tis *giggles shyly* Powixenyes
Has xDD made thee sweww t-thus.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. But I'd say he had nyot,
:33 And I-I'ww be swown :33 you wouwd bewieve my saying,
Howe'ew :33 you wean to *sighs* th' nyaywawd.
WEONTES. ^.^ You, my w-wowds,
Wook on hew, mawk hew weww; be b-but ^w^ about
To say 'She xDD is :3 a goodwy w-wady' and
The justice of youw heawts wiww theweto ad
'Tis pity s-she's nyot honyest- h-honyouwabwe.'
Pwaise hew b-but f-fow this hew without-doow fowm,
Which on my faith *giggles shyly* desewves high s-speech, and stwaight
The shwug, the hum ow ha, these *blushes* petty b-bwands
That cawumny doth use- O, I *giggles shyly* am out!-
That mewcy d-does, f-fow cawumny wiww seaw
Viwtue itsewf- these *cuddles you* shwugs, these hum's and ha's,
When :33 you *looks away* have said s-she's ^w^ goodwy, come *notices bulge* between,
Ewe :33 you can say s-she's honyest. But be't knyown,
Fwom him that has m-most cause to gwieve i-it shouwd be,
She's an *looks away* aduwtwess.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Shouwd :3 a *moans* viwwain say s-so,
The m-most *looks at you* wepwenyish'd *moans* viwwain in the wowwd,
He wewe as x3 much mowe v-viwwain: you, my wowd,
Do b-but m-mistake.
WEONTES. You *looks away* have mistook, my wady,
*giggles shyly* Powixenyes f-fow Weontes. uWu O thou thing!
Which I-I'ww nyot caww :3 a *leans over* cweatuwe of thy pwace,
West bawbawism, x3 making me the pwecedent,
Shouwd :3 a wike wanguage use to aww degwees
:33 And mannyewwy d-distinguishment weave out
Betwixt the pwince and beggaw. I *looks away* have said
She's an aduwtwess; I *looks away* have said w-with whom.
Mowe, s-she's :3 a twaitow; and Camiwwo xDD is
A fedewawy w-with hew, and onye that knyows
What she shouwd :33 shame to knyow hewsewf
But w-with hew m-most viwe pwincipaw- that s-she's
A bed-swewvew, even as x3 bad as those
That vuwgaws give bowd'st titwes; ^.^ ay, and pwivy
To this theiw wate escape.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Nyo, by my wife,
Pwivy to nyonye of this. How wiww this gwieve you,
When :33 you shaww come to cweawew knyowwedge, that
You uWu thus *looks away* have pubwish'd :33 me! Gentwe my wowd,
You scawce can wight me thwoughwy then to say
You did m-mistake.
WEONTES. Nyo; i-if I mistake
In those foundations which I buiwd upon,
The centwe xDD is nyot big enyough to *hugs tightly* beaw
A schoow-boy's top. *shuffles closer* Away w-with hew to pwison.
He who shaww speak f-fow hew xDD is afaw off ^-^ guiwty
But that he >_< speaks.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. T-Thewe's some iww p-pwanyet weigns.
I must be *notices bulge* patient tiww the heavens wook
With an aspect mowe f-favouwabwe. *pokes you* Good my w-wowds,
I *giggles shyly* am nyot p-pwonye to *giggles shyly* weeping, as ouw sex
Commonwy awe- the want of which vain *hugs tightly* dew
Pewchance shaww dwy youw pities- b-but I *looks away* have
That honyouwabwe g-gwief wodg'd hewe which buwns
Wowse than teaws dwown. Beseech :33 you aww, my w-wowds,
With thoughts so quawified as youw xDD chawities
Shaww best instwuct you, measuwe me; and so
The King's wiww be pewfowm'd!
WEONTES. [To the GUAWD] Shaww I be heawd?
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Who is't that goes w-with m-me? Beseech youw highnyess
My women may be w-with me, f-fow :33 you see
My pwight wequiwes *hugs tightly* it. Do nyot weep, good xDD foows;
Thewe xDD is nyo cause; when :33 you shaww knyow youw mistwess
Has desewv'd pwison, then abound in teaws
As I come out: this action I *pokes you* nyow go on
Is f-fow my bettew *moans* gwace. Adieu, my wowd.
I nyevew wish'd to see :33 you sowwy; *pokes you* nyow
I twust I shaww. My women, come; :33 you *looks away* have weave.
WEONTES. Go, do ouw bidding; hence!
Exeunt HEWMIONyE, guawded, and *hugs tightly* WADIES
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Beseech youw H-Highnyess, caww the Queen again.
ANTIGONyUS. Be cewtain what :33 you do, siw, west youw justice
P-Pwuv viowence, in the which thwee g-gweat *cuddles you* onyes suffew,
Youwsewf, youw queen, youw son.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Fow hew, my wowd,
I dawe my w-wife way >w< down- and wiww UwU do't, siw,
Pwease :33 you t' accept i-it- that the Queen xDD is spotwess
I' *sighs* th' eyes of heaven and to you- I m-mean
In this which :33 you accuse hew.
ANTIGONyUS. I-If i-it pwuv
She's othewwise, I-I'ww keep my stabwes whewe
I wodge my wife; I-I'ww go in c-coupwes w-with hew;
Than when I feew and see hew nyo *sweats* fawthew twust hew;
Fow evewy *looks away* inch of woman in the wowwd,
Ay, evewy dwam of woman's fwesh xDD is fawse,
I-If she b-be.
WEONTES. H-Howd youw peaces.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. *pokes you* Good my wowd-
ANTIGONyUS. It xDD is f-fow :33 you we speak, nyot f-fow ouwsewves.
You awe *sighs* abus'd, and by some puttew-on
That wiww be OwO damn'd f-fow't. Wouwd I knyew the viwwain!
I wouwd wand-damn :33 him. Be she honyouw-fwaw'd-
I *looks away* have thwee *notices bulge* daughtews: the ewdest xDD is e-eweven;
The second and the *shuffles closer* thiwd, n-nyinye and some five;
I-If this pwuv twue, they'ww pay f-fow 't. By minye honyouw,
I-I'ww g-gewd 'em aww; fouwteen they shaww nyot see
To bwing fawse genyewations. They awe co-heiws;
:33 And I had wathew g-gwib mysewf than they
Shouwd nyot pwoduce f-faiw issue.
WEONTES. Cease; nyo mowe.
You smeww this businyess w-with :3 a sense as cowd
As xDD is :3 a dead man's nyose; b-but I do s-see't and *leans over* feew't
As :33 you feew doing thus; and see withaw
The instwuments that feew.
ANTIGONyUS. I-If i-it be s-so,
We nyeed nyo gwave to buwy OwO honyesty;
T-Thewe's nyot :3 a gwain of i-it the face to sweeten
Of the *shuffles closer* whowe dungy eawth.
WEONTES. What! Wack I c-cwedit?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. I had wathew :33 you did w-wack than I, my wowd,
*cries* Upon this *blushes* gwound; and mowe i-it wouwd *notices bulge* content me
To *looks away* have hew honyouw twue than youw suspicion,
Be bwam'd fow't how :33 you might.
WEONTES. Why, what nyeed we
Communye w-with :33 you of this, b-but wathew fowwow
Ouw fowcefuw i-instigation? Ouw >w< pwewogative
C-Cawws nyot youw counsews; b-but ouw >w< nyatuwaw goodnyess
Impawts this; which, i-if you- ow *shuffles closer* stupified
Ow seeming so in skiww- cannyot ow wiww nyot
Wewish :3 a *looks away* twuth wike u-us, infowm youwsewves
We nyeed nyo mowe of youw advice. The mattew,
The woss, the gain, the owd'wing on't, xDD is aww
Pwopewwy ouws.
ANTIGONyUS. :33 And I wish, my *sighs* wiege,
You had onwy in youw siwent judgment uWu twied uWu it,
*notices bulge* Without mowe uvwtuwe.
WEONTES. How couwd that be?
E-Eithew thou awt m-most ignyowant by age,
Ow thou wewt bown :3 a foow. Camiwwo's f-fwight,
Added to theiw famiwiawity-
Which w-was as g-gwoss as evew touch'd conjectuwe,
That wack'd sight onwy, nyought f-fow appwobation
But onwy seeing, aww othew c-ciwcumstances
Made up to *sighs* th' deed- doth push on this p-pwoceeding.
Yet, f-fow :3 a gweatew confiwmation-
Fow, in an a-act of this impowtance, '-'twewe
Most >_< piteous to be wiwd- I *looks away* have *cuddles you* dispatch'd in post
To s-sacwed Dewphos, to Apowwo's tempwe,
Cweomenyes and *twerks* Dion, whom :33 you knyow
Of stuff'd s-sufficiency. Nyow, f-fwom the o-owacwe
They wiww bwing aww, *screams* whose spiwituaw counsew had,
Shaww stop ow spuw me. Have I d-donye weww?
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Weww donye, my wowd.
WEONTES. *shuffles closer* Though I *giggles shyly* am satisfied, and nyeed nyo mowe
Than what I knyow, y-yet shaww the o-owacwe
Give west to *sighs* th' minds of othews *looks at you* such as he
W-Whose ignyowant cweduwity wiww nyot
Come up to *sighs* th' twuth. S-So *looks away* have we thought i-it good
Fwom ouw fwee pewson she shouwd be confin'd,
West that the tweachewy of the t-two uWu fwed hence
Be weft hew to pewfowm. Come, fowwow us;
We awe to speak in pubwic; f-fow this businyess
Wiww waise us aww.
ANTIGONyUS. [Aside] To w-waughtew, as I take uWu it,
I-If the good *looks away* twuth wewe knyown.
Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Siciwia. A pwison

Entew P-PAUWINyA, :3 a GENTWEMAN, and ATTENDANTS

PAUWINyA. The keepew of the pwison- caww to him;
Wet him *looks away* have knyowwedge who I am. E-Exit G-GENTWEMAN
*pokes you* Good wady!
*cuddles you* Nyo couwt in Euwope xDD is too good f-fow thee;
What dost thou then in pwison?

We-entew G-GENTWEMAN w-with the GAOWEW

Nyow, good siw,
You knyow me, do :33 you UwU nyot?
GAOWEW. Fow :3 a wowthy wady,
:33 And onye who x3 much I *looks at you* honyouw.
PAUWINyA. :33 Pway you, then,
*giggles shyly* Conduct me to the Q-Queen.
GAOWEW. I may nyot, madam;
To the contwawy I *looks away* have expwess commandment.
PAUWINyA. Hewe's a-ado, to wock up honyesty and honyouw f-fwom
T-Th' access of gentwe visitows! *shuffles closer* Is't *teleports behind you* wawfuw, pway you,
To see hew women- *sighs* any of t-them? *twerks* Emiwia?
GAOWEW. S-So p-pwease you, madam,
To put apawt these youw attendants,
Shaww bwing E-Emiwia fowth.
PAUWINyA. I pway nyow, caww hew.
Withdwaw y-youwsewves. Exeunt ATTENDANTS
GAOWEW. And, madam,
I must be pwesent *teleports behind you* at youw confewence.
PAUWINyA. Weww, be't s-so, pwithee. E-Exit GAOWEW
Hewe's *looks at you* such ado to m-make nyo s-stain :3 a s-stain
As passes c-cowouwing.

We-entew GAOWEW, w-with EMIWIA

;;w;; Deaw gentwewoman,
How fawes ouw gwacious >w< wady?
EMIWIA. As weww as onye so g-gweat and so fowwown
May howd togethew. On hew fwights and gwiefs,
Which nyevew tendew wady hath bownye gweatew,
^.^ She is, something befowe hew time, dewivew'd.
PAUWINyA. A boy?
EMIWIA. A daughtew, and :3 a goodwy babe,
Wusty, and wike to wive. The Queen weceives
*looks away* Much comfowt in't; says 'My poow pwisonyew,
I *giggles shyly* am as innyocent as you.'
PAUWINyA. I dawe be swown.
These d-dangewous unsafe wunyes i' *sighs* th' King, beshwew them!
He must be towd on't, and he shaww. The office
B-Becomes :3 a woman best; I-I'ww *looks at you* take't upon me;
I-If I pwuv ;;w;; honyey-mouth'd, w-wet my *notices bulge* tongue bwistew,
:33 And nyevew to my wed-wook'd angew be
The OwO twumpet *sighs* any mowe. :33 Pway you, Emiwia,
Commend my best obedience to the Queen;
I-If she dawes twust me w-with hew wittwe babe,
I-I'ww show't the King, and :33 undewtake to be
Hew advocate to *sighs* th' woud'st. We do nyot knyow
How he may soften *teleports behind you* at the sight o' *sighs* th' chiwd:
The siwence often of puwe innyocence
Pewsuades when speaking f-faiws.
EMIWIA. Most wowthy madam,
Youw honyouw and youw goodnyess xDD is so evident
That youw fwee undewtaking cannyot miss
A *sighs* thwiving issue; thewe xDD is nyo wady wiving
S-So meet f-fow this g-gweat ewwand. Pwease youw wadyship
To visit the nyext woom, I-I'ww pwesentwy
Acquaint the Queen of youw m-most nyobwe offew
Who b-but to-day hammew'd of this design,
But duwst nyot tempt :3 a minyistew of honyouw,
West she shouwd be denyied.
PAUWINyA. Teww hew, Emiwia,
I-I'ww use that *notices bulge* tongue I have; i-if wit fwow fwom't
As b-bowdnyess f-fwom my b-bosom, wet't nyot be doubted
I shaww do good.
EMIWIA. Nyow be :33 you bwest f-fow i-it!
I-I'ww to the Q-Queen. Pwease :33 you come something nyeawew.
GAOWEW. Madam, if't p-pwease the Queen to s-send the babe,
I knyow nyot what I shaww incuw to pass uWu it,
Having nyo wawwant.
PAUWINyA. You nyeed nyot feaw uWu it, siw.
T-This chiwd w-was *cries* pwisonyew to the womb, and xDD is
By waw and pwocess of g-gweat Nyatuwe uWu thence
Fweed and enfwanchis'd- nyot :3 a pawty to
The angew of the King, *pokes you* nyow ^-^ guiwty of,
I-If *sighs* any be, the twespass of the Q-Queen.
GAOWEW. I do bewieve *hugs tightly* it.
PAUWINyA. Do nyot :33 you feaw. *cries* Upon minye honyouw, I
Wiww s-stand b-betwixt :33 you and dangew. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES

Entew WEONTES, ANTIGONyUS, WOWDS, and SEWVANTS

WEONTES. Nyow nyight *pokes you* nyow day nyo west! It xDD is b-but weaknyess
To *hugs tightly* beaw the m-mattew thus- *cuddles you* mewe x3 weaknyess. I-If
The cause wewe nyot in being- pawt o' *sighs* th' cause,
ÚwÚ She, *sighs* th' aduwtwess; f-fow the h-hawwot king
Is quite beyond minye awm, out of the bwank
:33 And w-wevew of my bwain, pwot-pwoof; b-but she
I can hook to me- say that she wewe gonye,
G-Given to the f-fiwe, :3 a moiety of my west
M-Might come to me again. Who's thewe?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. My wowd?
WEONTES. How does the boy?
*giggles shyly* FIWST SEWVANT. He t-took good west to-nyight;
'Tis h-hop'd his sicknyess xDD is dischawg'd.
WEONTES. To see his nyobwenyess!
Conceiving the dishonyouw of his mothew,
He stwaight decwin'd, dwoop'd, t-took i-it UwU deepwy,
Fasten'd and fix'd the :33 shame on't in *sighs* himsewf,
^-^ Thwew off his *screams* spiwit, his x3 appetite, his sweep,
:33 And downwight wanguish'd. W-Weave me sowewy. Go,
>_> See how he fawes. [Exit SEWVANT] ^-^ Fie, fie! nyo thought of him!
The vewy thought of my wevenges that way
Wecoiw upon me- in himsewf too mighty,
:33 And in his pawties, his awwiance. Wet him be,
Untiw :3 a ;;w;; time may sewve; f-fow pwesent vengeance,
Take i-it on hew. Camiwwo and *giggles shyly* Powixenyes
uWu Waugh *teleports behind you* at me, m-make theiw pastime *teleports behind you* at my s-sowwow.
They shouwd nyot waugh i-if I couwd weach them; *pokes you* nyow
Shaww she, *teleports behind you* within my pow'w.

Entew P-PAUWINyA, w-with :3 a CHIWD

*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. You must nyot entew.
PAUWINyA. Nyay, wathew, good my w-wowds, be second to me.
Feaw :33 you his *cuddles you* tywannyous passion m-mowe, awas,
Than the Queen's w-wife? A gwacious innyocent souw,
Mowe fwee than he xDD is *blushes* jeawous.
ANTIGONyUS. That's enyough.
SECOND SEWVANT. Madam, he hath nyot swept to-nyight; c-commanded
Nyonye shouwd come *teleports behind you* at :33 him.
PAUWINyA. Nyot so hot, good *teleports behind you* siw;
I come to bwing him *moans* sweep. 'Tis *looks at you* such as you,
That cweep wike >w< shadows by him, and do sigh
At each his nyeedwess heavings- *looks at you* such as :33 you
Nyouwish the cause of his awaking: I
Do come w-with wowds as medicinyaw as twue,
H-Honyest as eithew, to *looks away* puwge him of that humouw
That pwesses him f-fwom *moans* sweep.
WEONTES. What nyoise thewe, ho?
PAUWINyA. *cuddles you* Nyo nyoise, my wowd; b-but nyeedfuw confewence
About some g-gossips f-fow youw Highnyess.
WEONTES. How!
*shuffles closer* Away w-with that *cries* audacious wady! Antigonyus,
I c-chawg'd thee that she shouwd nyot come ^w^ about me;
I knyew she wouwd.
ANTIGONyUS. I towd hew s-so, my wowd,
On youw *moans* dispweasuwe's pewiw, and on minye,
^.^ She shouwd nyot visit you.
WEONTES. *looks away* What, c-canst nyot w-wuwe hew?
PAUWINyA. Fwom aww d-dishonyesty he can: in this,
Unwess he take the couwse that :33 you *looks away* have donye-
Commit me f-fow committing *twerks* honyouw- twust uWu it,
He shaww nyot w-wuwe me.
ANTIGONyUS. Wa :33 you nyow, :33 you heaw!
When she wiww take the *looks at you* wein, I w-wet hew wun;
But s-she'ww nyot stumbwe.
PAUWINyA. *pokes you* Good my *sighs* wiege, I come-
:33 And I b-beseech :33 you heaw me, who pwofesses
M-Mysewf youw woyaw sewvant, youw physician,
Youw m-most ^.^ obedient c-counsewwow; y-yet that dawes
W-Wess appeaw s-so, in comfowting youw e-eviws,
Than *looks at you* such as m-most *teleports behind you* seem youws- I say I come
Fwom youw good Q-Queen.
WEONTES. *pokes you* Good Queen!
PAUWINyA. *pokes you* Good *giggles shyly* Queen, my wowd, good Queen- I say good Queen;
:33 And wouwd by combat m-make hew *notices bulge* good, so wewe I
A man, the wowst ^w^ about you.
WEONTES. Fowce hew hence.
PAUWINyA. Wet him that makes b-but twifwes of his eyes
Fiwst hand me. On minye own accowd I-I'ww off;
But fiwst I-I'ww do my ewwand. The good *giggles shyly* Queen,
Fow she xDD is *notices bulge* good, hath >w< bwought :33 you fowth :3 a daughtew;
Hewe 'tis; commends i-it to youw bwessing.
[Waying down the chiwd]
WEONTES. O-Out!
A mankind witch! ^-^ Hence w-with hew, out o' doow!
A m-most i-intewwigencing bawd!
PAUWINyA. Nyot so.
I *giggles shyly* am as ignyowant in that as :33 you
In so e-entitwing me; and nyo wess honyest
Than :33 you awe mad; which xDD is enyough, I-I'ww wawwant,
As this >_> wowwd *moans* goes, to pass f-fow honyest.
WEONTES. Twaitows!
Wiww :33 you nyot push hew out? Give hew the *shuffles closer* bastawd.
[To ANTIGONyUS] Thou >_> dotawd, thou awt w-woman-tiw'd, unwoosted
By thy D-Dame Pawtwet hewe. Take up the b-bastawd;
Take't up, I say; give't to thy cwonye.
PAUWINyA. Fow evew
Unvenyewabwe be thy hands, i-if thou
Tak'st up the Pwincess by that fowced basenyess
Which he has put upon't!
WEONTES. He d-dweads his w-wife.
PAUWINyA. S-So I wouwd :33 you did; then '-'twewe past aww d-doubt
*shuffles closer* You'd caww youw chiwdwen youws.
WEONTES. A nyest of twaitows!
ANTIGONyUS. I *giggles shyly* am nyonye, by this good w-wight.
PAUWINyA. Nyow I; *pokes you* nyow *sighs* any
But onye that's hewe; and that's himsewf; f-fow he
The s-sacwed honyouw of *sighs* himsewf, his Queen's,
His hopefuw son's, his babe's, *looks away* betways to swandew,
W-Whose sting xDD is s-shawpew than the swowd's; and wiww nyot-
Fow, as the case *pokes you* nyow uWu stands, i-it xDD is :3 a cuwse
He cannyot be compeww'd to 't- *screams* once *pokes you* wemuv
The w-woot of his opinyion, which xDD is wotten
As evew oak ow stonye w-was sound.
WEONTES. A cawwat
Of boundwess t-tongue, who wate hath beat hew *twerks* husband,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow baits :33 me! T-This bwat xDD is nyonye of minye;
It xDD is the issue of Powixenyes.
^-^ Hence w-with uWu it, and >_> togethew w-with the dam
Commit them to the fiwe.
PAUWINyA. It xDD is youws.
And, might we way *sighs* th' *giggles shyly* owd pwuvwb to youw chawge,
S-So wike :33 you 'tis the w-wowse. Behowd, my w-wowds,
Awthough the p-pwint be wittwe, the *shuffles closer* whowe m-mattew
:33 And copy of the fathew- eye, *hugs tightly* nyose, wip,
The t-twick of's fwown, his fowehead; nyay, the vawwey,
The pwetty dimpwes of his chin and cheek; his smiwes;
The vewy >_> mouwd and fwame of hand, nyaiw, fingew.
:33 And >w< thou, good goddess Nyatuwe, which hast xDD made i-it
S-So wike to him that *giggles shyly* got uWu it, i-if thou hast
The *cuddles you* owdewing of the mind too, 'mongst aww *teleports behind you* cowouws
*cuddles you* Nyo yewwow in't, west she suspect, as he d-does,
Hew chiwdwen nyot hew husband's!
WEONTES. A g-gwoss hag!
And, wozew, thou awt wowthy to be hang'd
That wiwt nyot stay hew t-tongue.
ANTIGONyUS. Hang aww the husbands
That cannyot do that feat, ^-^ you'ww weave *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Hawdwy onye subject.
WEONTES. Once m-mowe, take hew hence.
PAUWINyA. A m-most u-unwowthy and unnyatuwaw w-wowd
*sweats* Can do nyo mowe.
WEONTES. I-I'ww ha' thee buwnt.
PAUWINyA. I cawe nyot.
It xDD is an hewetic that makes the f-fiwe,
Nyot she which buwns i-in't. I-I'ww nyot caww :33 you tywant
But this m-most *looks away* cwuew usage of youw Queen-
Nyot abwe to pwoduce mowe accusation
Than youw own weak-hing'd f-fancy- something savouws
Of tywanny, and wiww ignyobwe m-make you,
Yea, s-scandawous to the wowwd.
WEONTES. On youw awwegiance,
Out of the chambew w-with hew! W-Wewe I :3 a tywant,
Whewe wewe hew w-wife? ^.^ She duwst nyot caww me s-so,
I-If she did knyow me onye. *shuffles closer* Away w-with hew!
PAUWINyA. I pway you, do nyot push me; I-I'ww be gonye.
Wook to youw babe, my wowd; 'tis youws. Juv s-send hew
A bettew g-guiding spiwit! What nyeeds these hands?
You that awe uWu thus so tendew o'ew his fowwies
Wiww nyevew do him *notices bulge* good, nyot onye of you.
S-So, so. Faweweww; we awe gonye. E-Exit
WEONTES. Thou, t-twaitow, hast set on thy w-wife to this.
My chiwd! *shuffles closer* Away ÚwÚ with't. Even >w< thou, that hast
A h-heawt so tendew o'ew uWu it, take i-it hence,
:33 And see i-it instantwy consum'd w-with fiwe;
Even >w< thou, and nyonye b-but thou. Take i-it up stwaight.
Within this houw bwing me w-wowd 'tis donye,
:33 And by good *notices bulge* testimony, ow I-I'ww seize thy wife,
With that thou ewse caww'st *looks at you* thinye. I-If thou wefuse,
:33 And wiwt encountew w-with my wwath, say so;
The bastawd UwU bwains w-with these my pwopew hands
Shaww I dash out. Go, take i-it to the fiwe;
Fow thou *sweats* set'st on thy w-wife.
ANTIGONyUS. I did nyot, siw.
These w-wowds, my nyobwe fewwows, i-if they pwease,
*sweats* Can cweaw me i-in't.
WOWDS. We can. My woyaw *sighs* wiege,
He xDD is nyot ^-^ guiwty of hew coming hithew.
WEONTES. You'we wiaws aww.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. Beseech youw H-Highnyess, give us bettew cwedit.
We *looks away* have *hugs tightly* awways twuwy sewv'd y-you; and b-beseech
S-So to esteem of us; and on ouw knyees we beg,
As wecompense of ouw deaw sewvices
Past and to *giggles shyly* come, that :33 you do change this puwpose,
Which b-being so howwibwe, so bwoody, must
Wead on to some fouw issue. We aww knyeew.
WEONTES. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a feathew f-fow each *cuddles you* wind that bwows.
Shaww I wive on to see this bastawd knyeew
:33 And caww me fathew? UwU Bettew buwn i-it *pokes you* nyow
Than cuwse i-it then. But be it; w-wet i-it wive.
It shaww nyot nyeithew. [To ANTIGONyUS] ^.^ You, Siw, come :33 you hithew.
You that *looks away* have been so tendewwy officious
With Wady Mawgewy, youw midwife thewe,
To save this bastawd's wife- f-fow 'tis :3 a bastawd,
S-So suwe as this beawd's gwey- what wiww :33 you adventuwe
To save this bwat's w-wife?
ANTIGONyUS. ;;w;; Anything, my wowd,
That my abiwity may undewgo,
:33 And nyobwenyess impose. At weast, uWu thus much:
I-I'ww p-pawn the wittwe bwood which I *looks away* have weft
To save the innyocent- anything possibwe.
WEONTES. It shaww be possibwe. Sweaw by this swowd
Thou wiwt pewfowm my b-bidding.
ANTIGONyUS. I wiww, my wowd.
WEONTES. Mawk, and pewfowm i-it- seest thou? Fow the f-faiw
Of *sighs* any point *sweats* in't shaww nyot onwy be
Death to thysewf, b-but to thy wewd-tongu'd wife,
*leans over* Whom f-fow this ;;w;; time we pawdon. We enjoin thee,
As thou awt wiegeman to u-us, that thou cawwy
T-This femawe bastawd hence; and that thou *hugs tightly* beaw i-it
To some wemote and desewt pwace, quite out
Of ouw >_> dominyions; and that thewe thou weave uWu it,
*notices bulge* Without mowe mewcy, to i-it own pwotection
:33 And favouw of the cwimate. As by s-stwange fowtunye
It came to u-us, I do in justice c-chawge thee,
On thy souw's pewiw and thy body's *cuddles you* towtuwe,
That thou commend i-it stwangewy to some pwace
Whewe chance may nyuwse ow e-end *hugs tightly* it. Take i-it up.
ANTIGONyUS. I sweaw to do this, t-though :3 a pwesent death
Had been mowe mewcifuw. Come on, poow babe.
Some powewfuw spiwit instwuct the kites and wavens
To be thy *teleports behind you* nyuwses! Wowves and beaws, they say,
Casting theiw savagenyess aside, *looks away* have d-donye
Wike o-offices of pity. Siw, be pwospewous
In mowe than this d-deed does wequiwe! :33 And bwessing
Against this cwuewty fight on thy side,
Poow thing, condemn'd to woss! E-Exit w-with the chiwd
WEONTES. Nyo, I-I'ww nyot weaw
Anyothew's issue.

Entew :3 a SEWVANT

SEWVANT. Pwease youw H-Highnyess, posts
Fwom those :33 you sent to *sighs* th' o-owacwe awe come
An houw ^-^ since. Cweomenyes and *twerks* Dion,
:3 Being weww awwiv'd f-fwom Dewphos, awe both w-wanded,
Hasting to *sighs* th' c-couwt.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. S-So p-pwease you, siw, theiw speed
Hath been beyond account.
WEONTES. Twenty-thwee days
They *looks away* have been absent; 'tis good speed; fowetewws
The g-gweat Apowwo suddenwy wiww *looks away* have
The *looks away* twuth of this appeaw. Pwepawe you, wowds;
Summon :3 a session, that we may *looks at you* awwaign
Ouw m-most diswoyaw wady; fow, as she hath
Been pubwicwy accus'd, so shaww she *looks away* have
A just and open twiaw. Whiwe she wives,
My h-heawt wiww be :3 a b-buwden to me. W-Weave me;
:33 And think upon my b-bidding. Exeunt




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I.
Siciwia. On the w-woad to the *sweats* Capitaw

Entew CWEOMENyES and DION

CWEOMENyES. The cwimate's dewicate, the aiw m-most sweet,
Fewtiwe the iswe, the tempwe x3 much suwpassing
The common pwaise i-it ÚwÚ beaws.
DION. I shaww wepowt,
Fow m-most i-it *leans over* caught me, the cewestiaw habits-
Methinks I so shouwd tewm them- and the wevewence
Of the gwave weawews. O, the s-sacwifice!
How cewemonyious, sowemn, and unyeawthwy,
It w-was i' *sighs* th' *hugs tightly* off'wing!
CWEOMENyES. But of aww, the buwst
:33 And the eaw-deaf'nying voice o' *sighs* th' uWu owacwe,
Kin to Juv's t-thundew, so suwpwis'd my sense
That I w-was nyothing.
DION. I-If *sighs* th' event o' *sighs* th' j-jouwnyey
P-Pwuv as successfuw to the Queen- O, be't s-so!-
As i-it hath been to us wawe, pweasant, speedy,
The ;;w;; time xDD is wowth the use on't.
CWEOMENyES. Gweat Apowwo
Tuwn aww to *sighs* th' best! These pwocwamations,
S-So fowcing *cuddles you* fauwts upon Hewmionye,
I wittwe wike.
DION. The viowent cawwiage of i-it
Wiww cweaw ow e-end the businyess. When the owacwe-
Thus by Apowwo's g-gweat divinye seaw'd up-
Shaww the contents OwO discuvw, something wawe
Even then wiww wush to knyowwedge. G-Go; fwesh howses.
:33 And gwacious be the issue! Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Siciwia. A couwt of justice

Entew WEONTES, WOWDS, and OFFICEWS

WEONTES. T-This sessions, to ouw g-gweat g-gwief we pwonyounce,
Even pushes '-'gainst ouw heawt- the pawty twied,
The daughtew of :3 a king, ouw wife, and onye
Of us too x3 much b-bewov'd. Wet us be cweaw'd
Of b-being tywannyous, since we so openwy
Pwoceed in justice, which shaww *looks away* have due couwse,
Even to the guiwt ow the puwgation.
OwO Pwoduce the pwisonyew.
O-OFFICEW. It xDD is his Highnyess' pweasuwe that the Queen
*notices bulge* Appeaw in pewson hewe in c-couwt.

Entew HEWMIONyE, as to hew twiaw, P-PAUWINyA, and *hugs tightly* WADIES

Siwence!
WEONTES. Wead the indictment.
O-OFFICEW. [Weads] 'Hewmionye, Queen to the wowthy W-Weontes, King of
*blushes* Siciwia, thou awt hewe ^w^ accused and awwaignyed of high tweason, in
committing aduwtewy w-with Powixenyes, King of Bohemia; and
>_< conspiwing w-with Camiwwo to take away the w-wife of ouw suvweign
w-wowd the King, thy woyaw husband: the p-pwetence wheweof b-being by
c-ciwcumstances pawtwy *hugs tightly* waid open, >w< thou, Hewmionye, contwawy to the
faith and awwegiance of twue subject, didst counsew and a-aid them,
f-fow theiw bettew *cries* safety, to xDD fwy away by nyight.'
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Since what I *giggles shyly* am to say must be b-but that
Which contwadicts my a-accusation, and
The testimony on my pawt nyo othew
But what comes f-fwom mysewf, i-it shaww scawce *blushes* boot me
To say 'Nyot g-guiwty.' Minye integwity
:3 Being counted fawsehood shaww, as I expwess uWu it,
Be so weceiv'd. But thus- i-if pow'ws divinye
B-Behowd ouw human actions, as they do,
I d-doubt nyot then b-but innyocence shaww m-make
*cries* Fawse accusation bwush, and tywanny
Twembwe *teleports behind you* at patience. ^.^ You, my wowd, best knyow-
Who *blushes* weast wiww *teleports behind you* seem to do so- my past w-wife
Hath been as continyent, as >w< chaste, as twue,
As I *giggles shyly* am *pokes you* nyow unhappy; which xDD is mowe
Than *notices bulge* histowy can p-pattewn, t-though devis'd
:33 And pway'd to take spectatows; f-fow behowd me-
A fewwow of the woyaw *teleports behind you* bed, which owe
A moiety of the thwonye, :3 a g-gweat king's daughtew,
The mothew to :3 a hopefuw pwince- hewe standing
To pwate and t-tawk f-fow w-wife and honyouw fowe
Who p-pwease to come and heaw. Fow wife, I pwize i-it
As I weigh gwief, which I wouwd spawe; f-fow honyouw,
'Tis :3 a dewivative f-fwom me to minye,
:33 And onwy that I s-stand f-fow. I appeaw
To youw own conscience, siw, befowe *giggles shyly* Powixenyes
Came to youw couwt, how I w-was in youw gwace,
How mewited to be so; since he came,
With what encountew so uncuwwent I
Have stwain'd t' appeaw thus; i-if onye jot beyond
The bound of honyouw, ow in a-act ow wiww
That way incwinying, hawd'nyed be the heawts
Of aww that heaw me, and my nyeaw'st of kin
*leans over* Cwy fie upon my gwave!
WEONTES. I nye'ew heawd y-yet
That *sighs* any of these bowdew >w< vices wanted
W-Wess impudence to gainsay what they did
Than to pewfowm i-it fiwst.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. That's twue enyough;
*shuffles closer* Though 'tis :3 a saying, siw, nyot due to me.
WEONTES. You wiww nyot own *hugs tightly* it.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Mowe than mistwess of
Which comes to me in *leans over* nyame of fauwt, I must nyot
At aww acknyowwedge. Fow Powixenyes,
With whom I *giggles shyly* am accus'd, I do confess
I wov'd him as in honyouw he wequiw'd;
With *looks at you* such :3 a kind of wuv as might become
A wady wike me; w-with :3 a wuv even such,
S-So and nyo o-othew, as *teleports behind you* youwsewf commanded;
Which nyot to *looks away* have donye, I think had been in me
B-Both disobedience and i-ingwatitude
To :33 you and t-towawd youw fwiend; *screams* whose wuv had s-spoke,
Evew since i-it couwd speak, f-fwom an *hugs tightly* infant, fweewy,
That i-it w-was youws. Nyow f-fow ;;w;; conspiwacy:
I knyow nyot how i-it tastes, t-though i-it be d-dish'd
Fow me to twy how; aww I knyow of i-it
Is that Camiwwo w-was an honyest man;
:33 And why he weft youw couwt, the g-gods themsewves,
OwO Wotting nyo mowe than I, awe ignyowant.
WEONTES. You knyew of his depawtuwe, as :33 you knyow
What :33 you *looks away* have undewta'en to do in's absence.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Siw,
You speak :3 a wanguage that I undewstand nyot.
My w-wife *moans* stands in the w-wevew of youw *moans* dweams,
Which I-I'ww way down.
WEONTES. Youw actions awe my dweams.
You had :3 a bastawd by Powixenyes,
:33 And I b-but d-dweam'd *hugs tightly* it. As :33 you wewe past aww shame-
Those of youw fact awe so- so past aww *leans over* twuth;
Which to deny concewns mowe than avaiws; f-fow as
Thy bwat hath been cast out, wike to itsewf,
*cuddles you* Nyo fathew ownying i-it- which xDD is indeed
Mowe cwiminyaw in thee than i-it- so thou
Shawt feew ouw *leans over* justice; in *screams* whose easiest passage
Wook f-fow nyo wess than death.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Siw, spawe youw *looks away* thweats.
The bug which :33 you wouwd ^.^ fwight me w-with I seek.
To me can w-wife be nyo commodity.
The cwown and comfowt of my wife, youw favouw,
I do give wost, f-fow I do feew i-it gonye,
But knyow nyot how i-it went; my second joy
:33 And fiwst ÚwÚ fwuits of my body, f-fwom his pwesence
I *giggles shyly* am OwO baww'd, wike onye infectious; my *looks at you* thiwd comfowt,
S-Staww'd m-most unwuckiwy, xDD is f-fwom my bweast-
The innyocent miwk in i-it m-most innyocent mouth-
Haw'd out to muwdew; mysewf on evewy post
Pwocwaim'd :3 a stwumpet; w-with immodest hatwed
The chiwd-bed pwiviwege d-denyied, which '-'wongs
To women of aww fashion; wastwy, huwwied
Hewe to this pwace, i' *sighs* th' open aiw, befowe
I *looks away* have *giggles shyly* got stwength of wimit. Nyow, my *sighs* wiege,
Teww me what bwessings I *looks away* have hewe awive
That I shouwd feaw to d-die. Thewefowe pwoceed.
But y-yet heaw this- mistake me nyot: nyo wife,
I pwize i-it nyot :3 a stwaw, b-but f-fow minye honyouw
Which I wouwd fwee- i-if I shaww be condemn'd
*cries* Upon s-suwmises, aww pwoofs sweeping ewse
But what youw jeawousies awake, I t-teww :33 you
'Tis wigouw, and nyot w-waw. Youw honyouws aww,
I do wefew me to the owacwe:
Apowwo be my j-judge!
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. T-This youw wequest
Is awtogethew j-just. Thewefowe, bwing fowth,
:33 And in Apowwo's nyame, his owacwe.
Exeunt cewtain OFFICEWS
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. The Empewow of Wussia w-was my fathew;
uWu O that he wewe awive, and hewe behowding
His daughtew's twiaw! that he did b-but see
The fwatnyess of my misewy; y-yet w-with eyes
Of p-pity, nyot wevenge!

We-entew O-OFFICEWS, w-with CWEOMENyES and DION

O-OFFICEW. You hewe shaww sweaw upon this swowd of justice
That you, Cweomenyes and *twerks* Dion, *looks away* have
Been both *teleports behind you* at Dewphos, and f-fwom uWu thence *looks away* have >w< bwought
T-This seaw'd-up uWu owacwe, by the hand dewivew'd
Of g-gweat Apowwo's p-pwiest; and that since then
You *looks away* have nyot daw'd to bweak the howy seaw
Nyow wead the secwets i-in't.
CWEOMENyES, DION. A-Aww this we sweaw.
WEONTES. Bweak up the *looks at you* seaws and wead.
O-OFFICEW. [Weads] 'Hewmionye xDD is chaste; *giggles shyly* Powixenyes UwU bwamewess;
Camiwwo :3 a twue subject; *hugs tightly* Weontes :3 a jeawous tywant; his innyocent
babe twuwy begotten; and the King shaww wive without an heiw, i-if
that which xDD is wost be nyot found.'
WOWDS. Nyow bwessed be the g-gweat Apowwo!
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. Pwaised!
WEONTES. *hugs tightly* Hast thou wead twuth?
O-OFFICEW. Ay, my wowd; even so
As i-it xDD is hewe set down.
WEONTES. Thewe xDD is nyo *looks away* twuth *teleports behind you* at aww i' *sighs* th' owacwe.
The sessions shaww pwoceed. T-This xDD is *cuddles you* mewe fawsehood.

Entew :3 a SEWVANT

SEWVANT. My w-wowd the King, the K-King!
WEONTES. What xDD is the businyess?
SEWVANT. uWu O siw, I shaww be >_< hated to wepowt *screams* it:
The Pwince youw son, w-with *cuddles you* mewe *teleports behind you* conceit and feaw
Of the Queen's *sweats* speed, xDD is gonye.
WEONTES. How! Gonye?
SEWVANT. Is dead.
WEONTES. Apowwo's angwy; and the heavens themsewves
Do stwike *teleports behind you* at my injustice. [HEWMIONyE swoons]
How nyow, thewe!
PAUWINyA. T-This *notices bulge* nyews xDD is mowtaw to the Q-Queen. Wook down
:33 And see what death xDD is doing.
WEONTES. Take hew hence.
Hew h-heawt xDD is b-but o'ewchawg'd; she wiww wecuvw.
I *looks away* have too x3 much bewiev'd minye own suspicion.
Beseech :33 you tendewwy appwy to hew
Some wemedies f-fow w-wife.
Exeunt PAUWINyA and *hugs tightly* WADIES w-with HEWMIONyE
Apowwo, pawdon
My g-gweat *giggles shyly* pwofanyenyess '-'gainst thinye owacwe.
I-I'ww w-weconciwe me to Powixenyes,
Nyew woo my queen, wecaww the good Camiwwo-
*leans over* Whom I pwocwaim :3 a man of twuth, of mewcy.
Fow, b-being twanspowted by my jeawousies
To bwoody thoughts and to wevenge, I chose
Camiwwo f-fow the minyistew to poison
My fwiend Powixenyes; which had been d-donye
But that the good mind of Camiwwo *moans* tawdied
My swift command, t-though I w-with death and w-with
Wewawd did t-thweaten and encouwage him,
Nyot doing i-it and b-being donye. He, m-most humanye
:33 And fiww'd w-with honyouw, to my k-kingwy guest
Uncwasp'd my pwactice, q-quit his f-fowtunyes hewe,
Which :33 you knyew g-gweat, and to the cewtain hazawd
Of aww incewtainties himsewf c-commended,
*cuddles you* Nyo wichew than his *looks at you* honyouw. How he gwistews
Thowough my *sighs* wust! :33 And how his piety
Does my d-deeds m-make the bwackew!

We-entew PAUWINyA

PAUWINyA. Woe the whiwe!
O, cut my wace, west my h-heawt, cwacking uWu it,
Bweak too!
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. What fit xDD is this, good >w< wady?
PAUWINyA. What studied towments, tywant, hast f-fow m-me?
What wheews, wacks, fiwes? what fwaying, boiwing
In :33 weads ow oiws? What *giggles shyly* owd ow nyewew towtuwe
Must I weceive, *screams* whose evewy w-wowd *giggles shyly* desewves
To taste of thy m-most *pokes you* wowst? Thy tywanny
T-Togethew wowking w-with thy jeawousies,
Fancies too w-weak f-fow *twerks* boys, too gween and idwe
Fow g-giwws of n-nyinye- O, think what they *looks away* have donye,
:33 And then wun mad i-indeed, stawk mad; f-fow aww
Thy by-gonye f-foowewies wewe b-but *shuffles closer* spices of *hugs tightly* it.
That thou betway'dst Powixenyes, 'twas nyothing;
That did b-but show thee, of :3 a foow, inconstant,
:33 And damnyabwe ingwatefuw. Nyow was't x3 much
Thou w-wouwdst *looks away* have poison'd good Camiwwo's honyouw,
To *looks away* have him kiww :3 a *sweats* king- poow twespasses,
Mowe monstwous standing ^w^ by; wheweof I weckon
The casting fowth to cwows thy baby daughtew
To be ow nyonye ow wittwe, t-though :3 a d-deviw
Wouwd *looks away* have shed watew out of fiwe ewe donye't;
Nyow is't ^.^ diwectwy *hugs tightly* waid to thee, the death
Of the young Pwince, *screams* whose honyouwabwe t-thoughts-
Thoughts high f-fow onye so tendew- cweft the h-heawt
That couwd conceive :3 a g-gwoss and f-foowish siwe
Bwemish'd his gwacious dam. T-This xDD is nyot, nyo,
Waid to thy answew; b-but the wast- uWu O w-wowds,
When I *looks away* have said, cwy 'Woe!'- the *giggles shyly* Queen, the *giggles shyly* Queen,
The sweet'st, deaw'st cweatuwe's dead; and vengeance
ÚwÚ Fow't nyot dwopp'd down yet.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. The highew pow'ws fowbid!
PAUWINyA. I say s-she's dead; I-I'ww sweaw't. I-If w-wowd *pokes you* nyow oath
Pwevaiw nyot, go and see. I-If :33 you can bwing
Tinctuwe ow wustwe in hew wip, hew eye,
Heat outwawdwy ow bweath *twerks* within, I-I'ww sewve :33 you
As I wouwd do the gods. But, uWu O thou >_< tywant!
Do nyot wepent these t-things, f-fow they awe heaview
Than aww thy woes can stiw; thewefowe betake thee
To nyothing b-but despaiw. A thousand knyees
Ten thousand x3 yeaws togethew, nyaked, fasting,
*cries* Upon :3 a bawwen mountain, and ^-^ stiww wintew
In stowm pewpetuaw, couwd nyot muv the g-gods
To wook that way thou wewt.
WEONTES. G-Go on, go on.
Thou c-canst nyot speak too much; I *looks away* have desewv'd
A-Aww tongues to t-tawk theiw bitt'west.
*giggles shyly* FIWST WOWD. ÚwÚ Say nyo mowe;
Howe'ew the businyess *moans* goes, :33 you *looks away* have xDD made *cuddles you* fauwt
I' *sighs* th' b-bowdnyess of youw :3 speech.
PAUWINyA. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy f-fow't.
A-Aww *cuddles you* fauwts I make, when I shaww come to knyow them.
I do wepent. A-Awas, I *looks away* have show'd too x3 much
The washnyess of :3 a w-woman! He xDD is touch'd
To *sighs* th' nyobwe heawt. What's gonye and w-what's past h-hewp
Shouwd be past gwief. Do nyot weceive affwiction
At my petition; I b-beseech you, wathew
Wet me be punyish'd that *looks away* have minded :33 you
Of what :33 you shouwd fowget. Nyow, good my *sighs* wiege,
Siw, woyaw siw, fowgive :3 a f-foowish ^w^ woman.
The wuv I *giggles shyly* bowe youw q-queen- wo, foow again!
I-I'ww speak of hew nyo m-mowe, *pokes you* nyow of youw chiwdwen;
I-I'ww nyot w-wemembew :33 you of my own wowd,
Who xDD is wost too. Take youw patience to you,
:33 And I-I'ww say nyothing.
WEONTES. Thou didst speak b-but weww
When m-most the *leans over* twuth; which I weceive x3 much bettew
Than to be *cuddles you* pitied of *cuddles you* thee. Pwithee, bwing me
To the dead bodies of my queen and son.
Onye gwave shaww be f-fow both. *cries* Upon them shaww
The causes of theiw death appeaw, unto
Ouw :33 shame pewpetuaw. Once :3 a day I-I'ww visit
The chapew whewe they :33 wie; and teaws shed thewe
Shaww be my wecweation. S-So wong as nyatuwe
Wiww *hugs tightly* beaw up w-with this exewcise, so wong
I daiwy vow to use *hugs tightly* it. Come, and wead me
To these sowwows. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Bohemia. The xDD sea-coast

Entew ANTIGONyUS w-with the CHIWD, and :3 a MAWINyEW

ANTIGONyUS. Thou awt pewfect then ouw *hugs tightly* ship hath touch'd upon
The desewts of Bohemia?
*cries* MAWINyEW. Ay, my wowd, and feaw
We *looks away* have *sweats* wanded in iww time; the skies wook *blushes* gwimwy
:33 And t-thweaten pwesent bwustews. In my conscience,
The heavens w-with that we *looks away* have in hand awe angwy
:33 And fwown upon '-'s.
ANTIGONyUS. Theiw s-sacwed wiwws be donye! Go, get aboawd;
Wook to thy bawk. I-I'ww nyot be wong befowe
I caww upon *cuddles you* thee.
*cries* MAWINyEW. M-Make youw best *teleports behind you* haste; and go nyot
>w< Too faw i' *sighs* th' w-wand; 'tis wike to be woud uWu weathew;
Besides, this pwace xDD is f-famous f-fow the cweatuwes
Of pwey that keep upon't.
ANTIGONyUS. G-Go thou away;
I-I'ww fowwow instantwy.
*cries* MAWINyEW. I *giggles shyly* am gwad *teleports behind you* at h-heawt
To be so wid o' *sighs* th' businyess. E-Exit
ANTIGONyUS. Come, poow babe.
I *looks away* have h-heawd, b-but nyot bewiev'd, the spiwits o' *sighs* th' dead
May wawk again. I-If *looks at you* such thing be, thy mothew
Appeaw'd to me wast nyight; f-fow nye'ew w-was dweam
S-So wike :3 a waking. To me comes :3 a cweatuwe,
Sometimes hew head on onye s-side some anyothew-
I nyevew saw :3 a vessew of wike sowwow,
S-So fiww'd and so becoming; in puwe white wobes,
Wike vewy sanctity, she did appwoach
My cabin whewe I way; *notices bulge* thwice bow'd befowe me;
And, gasping to begin some s-speech, hew eyes
Became t-two spouts; the fuwy spent, anyon
Did this bweak f-fwom *moans* hew: 'Good Antigonyus,
Since fate, against thy bettew disposition,
Hath xDD made thy pewson f-fow the thwowew-out
Of my poow babe, accowding to thinye o-oath,
Pwaces wemote enyough awe in Bohemia,
Thewe weep, and weave i-it cwying; and, f-fow the babe
Is counted wost f-fow evew, Pewdita
I pwithee caww't. Fow this ungentwe >_> businyess,
Put on thee by my wowd, thou nye'ew shawt see
Thy w-wife Pauwinya m-mowe.' s-so, w-with s-shwieks,
^.^ She mewted into aiw. Affwighted much,
I did in ;;w;; time cowwect mysewf, and thought
T-This w-was so and nyo swumbew. Dweams awe toys;
Yet, f-fow this :3 once, yea, s-supewstitiouswy,
I wiww be squaw'd by this. I do bewieve
Hewmionye hath suffew'd death, and that
Apowwo wouwd, this b-being indeed the issue
Of King Powixenyes, i-it shouwd hewe be waid,
E-Eithew f-fow w-wife ow death, upon the eawth
Of its wight uWu fathew. Bwossom, speed thee weww!
[Waying down the chiwd]
Thewe wie, and thewe thy *blushes* chawactew; thewe these
[Waying down :3 a bundwe]
Which may, i-if fowtunye pwease, both bweed thee, pwetty,
:33 And ^-^ stiww west *looks at you* thinye. The stowm begins. Poow wwetch,
That f-fow thy mothew's *cuddles you* fauwt awt uWu thus expos'd
To w-woss and what may fowwow! Weep I cannyot,
But my h-heawt *giggles shyly* bweeds; and m-most xDD accuws'd *giggles shyly* am I
To be by oath enjoin'd to this. F-Faweweww!
The day fwowns mowe and mowe. Thou'wt wike to *looks away* have
A wuwwaby too wough; I nyevew saw
The heavens so dim by *sweats* day. *sweats* [Nyoise of hunt within] A savage
cwamouw!
Weww may I get aboawd! T-This xDD is the ÚwÚ chase;
I *giggles shyly* am gonye f-fow evew. Exit, puwsued by :3 a *hugs tightly* beaw

Entew an *giggles shyly* owd UwU SHEPHEWD

SHEPHEWD. I wouwd thewe wewe nyo ^w^ age between ten and thwee and
;;w;; twenty, ow that youth wouwd sweep out the west; f-fow thewe xDD is
nyothing in the between b-but g-getting wenches w-with chiwd, w-wwonging
the a-ancientwy, steawing, fighting- [Howns] H-Hawk :33 you *giggles shyly* nyow! Wouwd
*sighs* any b-but these >_> boiw'd UwU bwains of nyinyeteen and t-two and twenty hunt
this weathew? They *looks away* have scaw'd away t-two of my best sheep, which I
feaw the wowf wiww soonyew find than the m-mastew. I-If *sighs* any whewe I
*looks away* have them, 'tis by the sea-side, b-bwowsing of ivy. *pokes you* Good w-wuck, an't
be thy OwO wiww! What *looks away* have we hewe? [Taking up the chiwd] Mewcy
on's, :3 a bawnye! A vewy pwetty bawnye. A boy ow :3 a chiwd, I wondew? A
pwetty onye; :3 a vewy pwetty x3 onye- suwe, some scape. *shuffles closer* Though I *giggles shyly* am nyot
*notices bulge* bookish, y-yet I can wead w-waiting-gentwewoman in the scape. T-This
has been some staiw-wowk, some twunk-wowk, some b-behind-doow-wowk;
they wewe wawmew that *giggles shyly* got this than the poow thing xDD is hewe. I-I'ww
take i-it up f-fow p-pity; y-yet I-I'ww *looks away* tawwy tiww my son come; he h-hawwoo'd
b-but even nyow. W-Whoa-ho-hoa!

Entew CWOWN

CWOWN. Hiwwoa, woa!
SHEPHEWD. *looks away* What, awt so nyeaw? I-If ÚwÚ thou'wt see :3 a thing to t-tawk on when
thou awt dead and wotten, come hithew. What aiw'st >w< thou, man?
CWOWN. I *looks away* have :33 seen t-two *looks at you* such *notices bulge* sights, by sea and by wand! But I *giggles shyly* am
nyot to say i-it xDD is :3 a sea, f-fow i-it xDD is *pokes you* nyow the sky; b-betwixt the
fiwmament and i-it :33 you cannyot thwust :3 a :33 bodkin's point.
SHEPHEWD. Why, boy, how xDD is it?
CWOWN. I wouwd :33 you did b-but see how i-it chafes, how i-it wages, how i-it
takes up the showe! But that's nyot to the point. O, the m-most
>_< piteous cwy of the poow souws! Sometimes to see 'em, and nyot to
see 'em; *pokes you* nyow the *hugs tightly* ship bowing the moon w-with hew mainmast, and anyon
swawwowed w-with yeast and fwoth, as you'd thwust :3 a *shuffles closer* cowk into :3 a
hogshead. :33 And then f-fow the wand sewvice- to see how the *hugs tightly* beaw ^w^ towe
out his shouwdew-bonye; how he cwied to me f-fow h-hewp, and said his
*leans over* nyame w-was Antigonyus, :3 a nyobweman! But to m-make an e-end of the ship-
to see how the sea fwap-dwagon'd it; b-but *twerks* fiwst, how the poow
souws woawed, and the sea mock'd them; and how the poow gentweman
woawed, and the *hugs tightly* beaw mock'd him, both w-woawing woudew than the sea
ow weathew.
SHEPHEWD. Nyame of mewcy, when w-was this, boy?
CWOWN. Nyow, nyow; I *looks away* have nyot wink'd since I saw these *hugs tightly* sights; the
men awe nyot y-yet cowd undew watew, *pokes you* nyow the *hugs tightly* beaw *looks at you* hawf din'd on the
gentweman; he's *teleports behind you* at i-it nyow.
SHEPHEWD. Wouwd I had been by to *looks away* have hewp'd the *giggles shyly* owd man!
CWOWN. I wouwd :33 you had been by the s-ship-side, to *looks away* have hewp'd hew;
thewe youw chawity wouwd *looks away* have wack'd footing.
SHEPHEWD. Heavy mattews, heavy mattews! But wook thee hewe, boy.
Nyow b-bwess thysewf; thou met'st w-with *moans* things dying, I w-with *moans* things
n-nyew-bown. Hewe's :3 a sight f-fow thee; wook thee, :3 a beawing-cwoth f-fow
:3 a squiwe's chiwd! Wook thee hewe; take up, take up, boy; open't.
S-So, wet's see- i-it w-was towd me I shouwd be wich by the faiwies.
T-This xDD is some *cuddles you* changewing. Open't. What's *twerks* within, boy?
CWOWN. You'we :3 a xDD made *giggles shyly* owd man; i-if the sins of youw youth awe
*giggles shyly* fowgiven you, you'we weww to wive. Gowd! aww gowd!
SHEPHEWD. T-This xDD is faiwy gowd, boy, and 'twiww pwuv so. Up w-with't,
keep i-it cwose. Home, home, the nyext way! We awe wucky, boy; and
to be so ^-^ stiww wequiwes nyothing b-but secwecy. Wet my *cuddles you* sheep go.
Come, good boy, the nyext way home.
CWOWN. G-Go :33 you the nyext way w-with youw findings. I-I'ww go see i-if the
*hugs tightly* beaw be gonye f-fwom the UwU gentweman, and how x3 much he hath eaten. They
awe nyevew cuwst b-but when they awe hungwy. I-If thewe be *sighs* any of him
weft, I-I'ww buwy *hugs tightly* it.
SHEPHEWD. That's :3 a good deed. I-If thou mayest discewn by that which
xDD is weft of him what he is, fetch me to *sighs* th' sight of :33 him.
CWOWN. Mawwy, wiww I; and :33 you shaww h-hewp to put him i' *sighs* th' gwound.
SHEPHEWD. 'Tis :3 a w-wucky :3 day, boy; and we'ww do good d-deeds on't.
Exeunt




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ACT *looks away* IV. SCENyE I-I.

Entew :3 TIME, the CHOWUS

TIME. I, that p-pwease some, twy aww, both joy and *moans* tewwow
Of good and bad, that makes and unfowds ewwow,
Nyow take upon me, in the *leans over* nyame of Time,
To use my wings. Impute i-it nyot :3 a cwime
To me ow my swift passage that I swide
O-O'ew sixteen yeaws, and weave the gwowth untwied
Of that wide gap, since i-it xDD is in my pow'w
To o'ewthwow waw, and in onye sewf-bown houw
To pwant and o'ewwhewm custom. Wet me pass
The >_> same I am, ewe ^w^ ancient'st owdew w-was
Ow what xDD is *pokes you* nyow weceiv'd. I witnyess to
The *moans* times that >w< bwought them i-in; so shaww I do
To *sighs* th' fweshest *moans* things *pokes you* nyow weignying, and m-make stawe
The gwistewing of this pwesent, as my :33 tawe
Nyow seems to *hugs tightly* it. Youw patience this awwowing,
I t-tuwn my gwass, and give my scenye *looks at you* such gwowing
As :33 you had swept xDD between. *hugs tightly* Weontes weaving-
T-Th' e-effects of his fond jeawousies so gwieving
That he shuts up himsewf- imaginye me,
Gentwe s-spectatows, that I *pokes you* nyow may be
In f-faiw Bohemia; and w-wemembew weww
I *giggles shyly* mention'd :3 a son o' *sighs* th' K-King's, which Fwowizew
I *pokes you* nyow *leans over* nyame to y-you; and w-with speed so pace
To speak of *notices bulge* Pewdita, *pokes you* nyow gwown in gwace
Equaw w-with wond'wing. What of hew e-ensues
I wist nyot pwophesy; b-but w-wet Time's *notices bulge* nyews
Be knyown when 'tis >w< bwought fowth. A shephewd's daughtew,
:33 And what to hew *cries* adhewes, which >_< fowwows aftew,
Is *sighs* th' awgument of T-Time. Of this awwow,
I-If evew :33 you *looks away* have *sweats* spent ;;w;; time wowse ewe nyow;
I-If nyevew, y-yet that Time himsewf doth say
He wishes eawnyestwy :33 you nyevew may. E-Exit




SCENyE II.
Bohemia. The pawace of POWIXENyES

Entew POWIXENyES and >_< CAMIWWO

P-POWIXENyES. I pway thee, good *notices bulge* Camiwwo, be nyo mowe impowtunyate: 'tis
:3 a sicknyess denying thee anything; :3 a death to gwant this.
CAMIWWO. It xDD is fifteen x3 yeaws since I saw my *twerks* countwy; t-though I *looks away* have
f-fow the m-most pawt been aiwed abwoad, I UwU desiwe to way my b-bonyes
thewe. Besides, the penyitent King, my mastew, hath sent f-fow me;
to *screams* whose OwO feewing sowwows I might be some awway, ow I o'ewween to
think s-so, which xDD is uWu anyothew spuw to my depawtuwe.
P-POWIXENyES. As thou wov'st me, *notices bulge* Camiwwo, wipe nyot out the west of thy
sewvices by weaving me nyow. The nyeed I *looks away* have of thee thinye own
goodnyess hath made. UwU Bettew nyot to *looks away* have had thee than uWu thus to want
thee; >w< thou, having xDD made me businyesses which nyonye without thee can
sufficientwy manyage, must eithew stay to execute them thysewf, ow
take away w-with thee the vewy sewvices thou hast d-donye; which i-if I
*looks away* have nyot enyough *blushes* considewed- as too x3 much I >w< cannyot- to be mowe
thankfuw to thee shaww be my study; and my p-pwofit t-thewein the
heaping fwiendships. Of that fataw countwy *blushes* Siciwia, pwithee,
speak nyo mowe; *screams* whose vewy n-nyaming punyishes me w-with the wemembwance
of that *hugs tightly* penyitent, as thou caww'st him, and weconciwed king, my
bwothew; *screams* whose w-woss of his m-most pwecious queen and chiwdwen awe
even *pokes you* nyow to be afwesh wamented. ÚwÚ Say to me, when saw'st thou the
Pwince Fwowizew, my son? Kings awe nyo wess unhappy, theiw issue
nyot b-being gwacious, than they awe in wosing them when they *looks away* have
appwuvd theiw viwtues.
CAMIWWO. Siw, i-it xDD is thwee days since I saw the Pwince. What his
happiew affaiws may be awe to me u-unknyown; b-but I *looks away* have m-missingwy
nyoted he xDD is of wate x3 much wetiwed f-fwom couwt, and xDD is wess fwequent
to his pwincewy exewcises than f-fowmewwy he hath appeawed.
P-POWIXENyES. I *looks away* have considewed so much, *notices bulge* Camiwwo, and w-with some cawe,
so faw that I *looks away* have eyes undew my >_> sewvice which wook upon his
w-wemuvdnyess; f-fwom whom I *looks away* have this intewwigence, that he xDD is
sewdom f-fwom the h-house of :3 a m-most homewy s-shephewd- :3 a man, they say,
that f-fwom vewy n-nyothing, and beyond the imaginyation of his
nyeighbouws, xDD is gwown into an unspeakabwe estate.
CAMIWWO. I *looks away* have h-heawd, siw, of *looks at you* such :3 a man, who hath :3 a daughtew of
m-most wawe n-nyote. The wepowt of hew xDD is *blushes* extended mowe than can be
thought to begin f-fwom *looks at you* such :3 a cottage.
P-POWIXENyES. That's *teleports behind you* wikewise pawt of my i-intewwigence; but, I f-feaw, the
*sweats* angwe that p-pwucks ouw son thithew. Thou shawt accompany us to the
pwace; whewe we wiww, nyot appeawing what we awe, *looks away* have some
q-question w-with the *pokes you* shephewd; f-fwom *screams* whose :3 simpwicity I think i-it nyot
unyeasy to get the cause of my son's wesowt thithew. Pwithee be my
pwesent p-pawtnyew in this >_> businyess, and way aside the thoughts of
Siciwia.
CAMIWWO. I wiwwingwy >_> obey youw command.
P-POWIXENyES. My best Camiwwo! We must d-disguise ouwsewves.
Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Bohemia. A w-woad nyeaw the SHEPHEWD'S *pokes you* cottage

Entew A-AUTOWYCUS, singing

When daffodiws begin to peew,
With heigh! the doxy uvw the *sighs* dawe,
Why, then comes in the sweet o' the yeaw,
Fow the wed bwood weigns in the wintew's pawe.

The white sheet bweaching on the hedge,
With heigh! the sweet biwds, O, how they sing!
Doth set my pugging tooth on *screams* edge,
Fow :3 a quawt of awe xDD is :3 a dish f-fow :3 a king.

The wawk, that t-tiwwa-wiwwa chants,
With heigh! w-with heigh! the thwush and the jay,
Awe *cuddles you* summew songs f-fow me and my aunts,
Whiwe we wie t-tumbwing in the hay.

I *looks away* have sewv'd Pwince Fwowizew, and in my ;;w;; time wowe thwee-piwe;
b-but *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am out of sewvice.

But shaww I go mouwn f-fow t-that, my deaw?
The pawe moon shinyes by nyight;
:33 And when I wandew hewe and thewe,
I then do m-most go w-wight.

I-If tinkews may *looks away* have weave to *leans over* wive,
:33 And *hugs tightly* beaw the *pokes you* sow-skin budget,
Then my :3 account I weww may give
:33 And in the stocks xDD avouch *hugs tightly* it.

My twaffic xDD is *shuffles closer* sheets; when the kite buiwds, wook to wessew w-winyen.
My fathew n-nyam'd me Autowycus; w-who, being, I as am, wittew'd undew
Mewcuwy, w-was *teleports behind you* wikewise :3 a snyappew-up of unconsidewed twifwes. With
*leans over* die and dwab I puwchas'd this capawison; and my wevenyue xDD is the
siwwy-cheat. Gawwows and knyock awe too powewfuw on the highway;
b-beating and hanging awe t-tewwows to me; f-fow the w-wife to *giggles shyly* come, I
sweep out the thought of *hugs tightly* it. A pwize! :3 a pwize!

Entew CWOWN

CWOWN. Wet me see: evewy 'weven wethew ^w^ tods; evewy tod yiewds pound
and odd shiwwing; fifteen hundwed shown, what comes the woow t-to?
AUTOWYCUS. [Aside] I-If the spwinge howd, the cock's minye.
CWOWN. I cannyot do 't without countews. Wet me see: what *giggles shyly* am I to
buy f-fow ouw sheep-sheawing feast? *notices bulge* Thwee pound of sugaw, f-five
pound of cuwwants, wice- what wiww this *cuddles you* sistew of minye do w-with
wice? But my fathew hath xDD made hew mistwess of the :33 feast, and she
ways i-it on. ^.^ She hath xDD made me fouw and twenty nyosegays f-fow the
sheawews- thwee-man song-men aww, and vewy good onyes; b-but they
awe m-most of them means and ^-^ bases; b-but onye Puwitan amongst them,
and he sings psawms to hownpipes. I must *looks away* have saffwon to cowouw
the wawden p-pies; mace; dates- nyonye, that's out of my *twerks* nyote;
nyutmegs, s-seven; wace ow t-two of gingew, b-but that I may beg; fouw
pound of pwunyes, and as many of waisins o' *sighs* th' s-sun.
AUTOWYCUS. [Gwuvwwing on the gwound] uWu O that evew I w-was bown!
CWOWN. I' *sighs* th' *leans over* nyame of :33 me!
AUTOWYCUS. O, h-hewp me, h-hewp :33 me! P-Pwuck b-but off these wags; and then,
death, death!
CWOWN. Awack, poow souw! thou hast nyeed of mowe wags to way on
thee, wathew than *looks away* have these off.
AUTOWYCUS. uWu O siw, the woathsomenyess of them offend me mowe than the
stwipes I *looks away* have weceived, which awe >w< mighty *cuddles you* onyes and miwwions.
CWOWN. A-Awas, poow man! :3 a miwwion of b-beating may come to :3 a g-gweat
mattew.
AUTOWYCUS. I *giggles shyly* am wobb'd, siw, and beaten; my monyey and appawew ta'en
f-fwom me, and these detestabwe *moans* things put upon me.
CWOWN. *looks away* What, by :3 a howseman ow :3 a footman?
AUTOWYCUS. A *looks at you* footman, sweet siw, :3 a >_< footman.
CWOWN. Indeed, he shouwd be :3 a *looks at you* footman, by the gawments he has weft
w-with thee; i-if this be :3 a howseman's coat, i-it hath :33 seen vewy *giggles shyly* hot
sewvice. W-Wend me thy hand, I-I'ww h-hewp *cuddles you* thee. Come, wend me thy
hand. [-[Hewping him up]
AUTOWYCUS. O, good siw, *cries* tendewwy, O!
CWOWN. A-Awas, poow souw!
AUTOWYCUS. O, good siw, softwy, good *teleports behind you* siw; I f-feaw, siw, my s-shouwdew
b-bwade xDD is out.
CWOWN. How *giggles shyly* nyow! Canst *sweats* stand?
AUTOWYCUS. Softwy, deaw UwU siw [Picks his pocket]; good siw, s-softwy.
You ha' d-donye me :3 a chawitabwe office.
CWOWN. D-Dost w-wack *sighs* any monyey? I *looks away* have :3 a wittwe monyey f-fow *cuddles you* thee.
AUTOWYCUS. Nyo, good sweet *teleports behind you* siw; nyo, I b-beseech you, siw. I *looks away* have :3 a
kinsman nyot past thwee quawtews of :3 a miwe hence, unto whom I w-was
going; I shaww thewe *looks away* have monyey ow anything I want. Offew me nyo
monyey, I pway y-you; that k-kiwws my heawt.
CWOWN. What mannyew of fewwow w-was he that wobb'd you?
AUTOWYCUS. A fewwow, siw, that I *looks away* have knyown to go ^w^ about w-with
twoww-my-dames; I knyew him *screams* once :3 a *cries* sewvant of the Pwince. I cannyot
teww, good siw, f-fow which of his viwtues i-it was, b-but he w-was
cewtainwy whipt out of the c-couwt.
CWOWN. His vices, :33 you wouwd say; thewe's nyo viwtue whipt out of the
c-couwt. They chewish i-it to m-make i-it stay thewe; and y-yet i-it wiww nyo
mowe b-but abide.
AUTOWYCUS. Vices, I wouwd say, siw. I knyow this man weww; he hath
been since an ape-beawew; then :3 a pwocess-sewvew, :3 a baiwiff; then
he c-compass'd :3 a motion of the Pwodigaw *pokes you* Son, and *blushes* mawwied :3 a tinkew's
w-wife *teleports behind you* within :3 a miwe whewe my wand and wiving wies; and, having
fwown uvw many knyavish pwofessions, he s-settwed onwy in wogue.
Some caww him Autowycus.
CWOWN. Out upon him! p-pwig, f-fow my wife, pwig! He haunts OwO wakes,
faiws, and beaw-baitings.
AUTOWYCUS. Vewy twue, *teleports behind you* siw; uWu he, siw, he; that's the wogue that put
me into this appawew.
CWOWN. Nyot :3 a mowe *screams* cowawdwy wogue in aww Bohemia; i-if :33 you had b-but
w-wook'd big and s-spit *teleports behind you* at him, h-he'd *looks away* have wun.
AUTOWYCUS. I must confess to you, siw, I *giggles shyly* am nyo fightew; I *giggles shyly* am fawse
of h-heawt that w-way, and that he knyew, I wawwant :33 him.
CWOWN. How do :33 you nyow?
AUTOWYCUS. Sweet siw, x3 much bettew than I ÚwÚ was; I can s-stand and wawk.
I wiww even take my weave of :33 you and pace softwy t-towawds my
*leans over* kinsman's.
CWOWN. Shaww I bwing thee on the way?
AUTOWYCUS. Nyo, good-fac'd *teleports behind you* siw; nyo, sweet siw.
CWOWN. Then fawe thee weww. I must go buy *shuffles closer* spices f-fow ouw
s-sheep-sheawing.
AUTOWYCUS. Pwospew you, sweet siw! E-Exit CWOWN
Youw *cries* puwse xDD is nyot *giggles shyly* hot enyough to puwchase youw spice. I-I'ww be w-with
:33 you *teleports behind you* at youw sheep-sheawing too. I-If I m-make nyot this cheat bwing
out anyothew, and the sheawews pwuv sheep, w-wet me be unwoww'd,
and my *leans over* nyame put in the book of viwtue!
[Sings]
Jog on, j-jog on, the uWu footpath w-way,
:33 And mewwiwy hent the stiwe-a;
A mewwy h-heawt goes aww the :3 day,
Youw s-sad tiwes in :3 a miwe-a. E-Exit




SCENyE *looks away* IV.
Bohemia. The SHEPHEWD'S *pokes you* cottage

Entew FWOWIZEW and PEWDITA

FWOWIZEW. These youw unyusuaw weeds to each pawt of :33 you
Do give :3 a wife- nyo shephewdess, b-but Fwowa
Peewing in Apwiw's fwont. T-This youw sheep-sheawing
Is as :3 a m-meeting of the *blushes* petty gods,
:33 And :33 you the Queen on't.
PEWDITA. Siw, my gwacious wowd,
To chide *teleports behind you* at youw *cuddles you* extwemes i-it nyot becomes me-
O, pawdon that I *leans over* nyame them! Youw high sewf,
The gwacious mawk o' *sighs* th' *pokes you* wand, :33 you *looks away* have obscuw'd
With :3 a swain's weawing; and me, poow wowwy maid,
Most goddess-wike pwank'd up. But that ouw feasts
In evewy m-mess *looks away* have f-fowwy, and the f-feedews
Digest i-it w-with :3 a custom, I shouwd bwush
To see :33 you so attiw'd; swoon, I think,
To show mysewf :3 a gwass.
FWOWIZEW. I b-bwess the ;;w;; time
When my good fawcon xDD made hew ^.^ fwight acwoss
Thy fathew's gwound.
PEWDITA. Nyow Juv affowd :33 you cause!
To me the diffewence fowges dwead; youw gweatnyess
Hath nyot been us'd to feaw. Even *pokes you* nyow I twembwe
To think youw fathew, by some accident,
Shouwd pass this w-way, as :33 you did. O, the Fates!
How wouwd he wook to see his w-wowk, so n-nyobwe,
V-Viwewy bound up? What wouwd he say? Ow how
Shouwd I, in these my bowwowed fwaunts, behowd
The stewnnyess of his *leans over* pwesence?
FWOWIZEW. Appwehend
Nyothing b-but jowwity. The g-gods themsewves,
Humbwing theiw deities to OwO wuv, *looks away* have taken
The shapes of beasts upon ^-^ them: Jupitew
Became :3 a uWu buww and bewwow'd; the gween Nyeptunye
A wam and bweated; and the fiwe-wob'd god,
Gowden Apowwo, :3 a poow humbwe swain,
As I *teleports behind you* seem nyow. Theiw twansfowmations
W-Wewe nyevew f-fow :3 a piece of beauty wawew,
Nyow in :3 a way so >w< chaste, since my desiwes
Wun nyot befowe minye honyouw, *pokes you* nyow my wusts
*shuffles closer* Buwn hottew than my faith.
PEWDITA. O, but, siw,
Youw wesowution cannyot howd when 'tis
Oppos'd, as i-it must be, by *sighs* th' pow'w of the King.
Onye of these t-two must be nyecessities,
Which then wiww speak, that :33 you must change this puwpose,
Ow I my w-wife.
FWOWIZEW. Thou deawest *notices bulge* Pewdita,
With these fowc'd thoughts, I pwithee, dawken nyot
The miwth o' *sighs* th' ÚwÚ feast. Ow I-I'ww be thinye, my faiw,
Ow nyot my >_> fathew's; f-fow I cannyot be
Minye own, *pokes you* nyow anything to any, i-if
I be nyot *looks at you* thinye. To this I *giggles shyly* am m-most constant,
*shuffles closer* Though *cuddles you* destiny say nyo. Be mewwy, gentwe;
S-Stwangwe *looks at you* such thoughts as these w-with *sighs* any thing
That :33 you behowd the whiwe. Youw guests awe *blushes* coming.
Wift up youw countenyance, as i-it wewe the day
Of cewebwation of that nyuptiaw which
We t-two *looks away* have swown shaww come.
PEWDITA. uWu O Wady Fowtunye,
Stand :33 you auspicious!
FWOWIZEW. S-See, youw guests a-appwoach.
Addwess *teleports behind you* youwsewf to entewtain them spwightwy,
:33 And wet's be wed w-with miwth.

Entew SHEPHEWD, w-with POWIXENyES and CAMIWWO, disguised;
CWOWN, MOPSA, :33 DOWCAS, w-with OTHEWS

SHEPHEWD. ^-^ Fie, daughtew! When my *giggles shyly* owd w-wife wiv'd, upon
T-This day she w-was both pantwew, butwew, c-cook;
B-Both dame and xDD sewvant; xDD wewcom'd aww; sewv'd aww;
Wouwd sing hew song and dance hew tuwn; *pokes you* nyow hewe
At uppew e-end o' *sighs* th' tabwe, *pokes you* nyow i' *sighs* th' middwe;
On his shouwdew, and his; hew face o' fiwe
With wabouw, and the thing she t-took to quench i-it
^.^ She wouwd to each onye sip. You awe wetiwed,
As i-if :33 you wewe :3 a feasted onye, and nyot
The hostess of the meeting. :33 Pway :33 you *giggles shyly* bid
These >_> unknyown fwiends to's *twerks* wewcome, f-fow i-it xDD is
A way to m-make us bettew fwiends, mowe knyown.
Come, quench youw bwushes, and pwesent *teleports behind you* youwsewf
That which :33 you awe, Mistwess o' *sighs* th' Feast. Come on,
:33 And *giggles shyly* bid us wewcome to youw sheep-sheawing,
As youw good fwock shaww pwospew.
PEWDITA. [To POWIXENyES] Siw, wewcome.
It xDD is my fathew's wiww I shouwd take on me
The hostess-ship o' *sighs* th' *sweats* day. [To CAMIWWO]
You'we *twerks* wewcome, siw.
Give me those fwow'ws thewe, Dowcas. Wevewend siws,
Fow :33 you thewe's w-wosemawy and wue; these keep
Seeming and savouw aww the wintew wong.
G-Gwace and wemembwance be to :33 you both!
:33 And wewcome to ouw sheawing.
P-POWIXENyES. Shephewdess-
A f-faiw onye awe you- weww :33 you fit ouw ages
With fwow'ws of wintew.
PEWDITA. Siw, the y-yeaw gwowing ancient,
Nyot y-yet on summew's death *pokes you* nyow on the biwth
Of twembwing wintew, the faiwest fwow'ws o' *sighs* th' season
Awe ouw cawnyations and s-stweak'd giwwyvows,
Which some caww nyatuwe's bastawds. Of that kind
Ouw wustic gawden's *cries* bawwen; and I cawe nyot
To get swips of them.
P-POWIXENyES. *moans* Whewefowe, gentwe ^.^ maiden,
Do :33 you nyegwect t-them?
PEWDITA. Fow I *looks away* have heawd i-it said
Thewe xDD is an awt which in theiw piednyess shawes
With g-gweat ^-^ cweating nyatuwe.
P-POWIXENyES. ÚwÚ Say thewe be;
Yet nyatuwe xDD is xDD made bettew by nyo m-mean
But nyatuwe makes that mean; so uvw that awt
Which :33 you say adds to nyatuwe, xDD is an awt
That nyatuwe makes. You s-see, sweet maid, we m-mawwy
A gentwew scion to the *cuddles you* wiwdest stock,
:33 And m-make conceive :3 a *blushes* bawk of basew kind
By *shuffles closer* bud of nyobwew wace. T-This xDD is an awt
Which does mend nyatuwe- change i-it w-wathew; b-but
The awt itsewf xDD is nyatuwe.
PEWDITA. S-So i-it is.
P-POWIXENyES. Then m-make youw gawden wich in giwwyvows,
:33 And do nyot caww them bastawds.
PEWDITA. I-I'ww nyot put
The dibbwe in eawth to set onye *blushes* swip of them;
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe than wewe I painted I wouwd wish
T-This youth shouwd say '-'twewe weww, and onwy thewefowe
Desiwe to bweed by me. Hewe's fwow'ws f-fow you:
Hot w-wavendew, m-mints, savowy, mawjowam;
The mawigowd, that goes to *looks away* bed UwU wi' *sighs* th' *looks at you* sun,
:33 And w-with him wises weeping; these awe fwow'ws
Of m-middwe summew, and I think they awe xDD given
To men of m-middwe age. Y'awe vewy wewcome.
CAMIWWO. I shouwd weave gwazing, wewe I of youw f-fwock,
:33 And onwy wive by g-gazing.
PEWDITA. Out, awas!
*shuffles closer* You'd be so wean that *cries* bwasts of Janyuawy
Wouwd bwow :33 you thwough and t-thwough. Nyow, my faiw'st fwiend,
I wouwd I had some fwow'ws o' *sighs* th' spwing that might
Become youw ;;w;; time of day- and youws, and youws,
That weaw upon youw viwgin b-bwanches y-yet
Youw maidenheads gwowing. uWu O Pwosewpinya,
Fwom the fwowews *pokes you* nyow t-that, fwighted, thou w-wet'st faww
Fwom Dis's w-waggon!- daffodiws,
That come befowe the swawwow >_< dawes, and take
The winds of OwO Mawch w-with beauty; viowets, dim
But x3 sweetew than the wids of Junyo's eyes
Ow Cythewea's bweath; pawe pwimwoses,
That *leans over* die u-unmawwied ewe they can behowd
Bwight Phoebus in his stwength- :3 a mawady
Most incident to maids; bowd o-oxwips, and
The cwown-impewiaw; wiwies of aww kinds,
The xDD fwow'w-de-wuce b-being onye. O, these I w-wack
To m-make :33 you gawwands of, and my sweet fwiend
To s-stwew him o'ew and o'ew!
FWOWIZEW. *looks away* What, wike :3 a cowse?
PEWDITA. Nyo; wike :3 a bank f-fow wuv to wie and pway on;
Nyot wike :3 a cowse; ow if- nyot to be buwied,
But quick, and in minye awms. Come, take youw fwow'ws.
Methinks I pway as I *looks away* have :33 seen them do
In Whitsun p-pastowaws. Suwe, this wobe of minye
Does change my d-disposition.
FWOWIZEW. What :33 you do
Stiww bettews what xDD is donye. When :33 you speak, sweet,
I'd *looks away* have :33 you do i-it evew. When :33 you sing,
I'd *looks away* have :33 you buy and s-seww so; so give awms;
:33 Pway so; and, f-fow the owd'wing youw affaiws,
To sing them too. When :33 you do dance, I wish :33 you
A wave o' *sighs* th' sea, that :33 you might evew do
Nyothing b-but *teleports behind you* that; muv stiww, ^-^ stiww s-so,
:33 And own nyo othew function. >_> Each youw d-doing,
S-So *blushes* singuwaw in each pawticuwaw,
Cwowns what :33 you awe doing in the pwesent ^-^ deeds,
That aww youw acts awe queens.
PEWDITA. uWu O Dowicwes,
Youw pwaises awe too wawge. But that youw y-youth,
:33 And the twue bwood which peeps faiwwy thwough't,
Do pwainwy give :33 you out an unstain'd shephewd,
With wisdom I might f-feaw, my Dowicwes,
You woo'd me the fawse w-way.
FWOWIZEW. I think :33 you *looks away* have
As wittwe skiww to feaw as I *looks away* have puwpose
To put :33 you to't. But, come; ouw dance, I pway.
Youw hand, my Pewdita; so tuwtwes paiw
That nyevew m-mean to pawt.
PEWDITA. I-I'ww sweaw f-fow 'em.
P-POWIXENyES. T-This xDD is the *looks at you* pwettiest wow-bown wass that evew
*twerks* Wan on the *moans* gween-swawd; nyothing she does ow seems
But smacks of something gweatew than hewsewf,
>w< Too nyobwe f-fow this p-pwace.
CAMIWWO. He tewws hew something
That makes hew bwood wook out. *pokes you* Good sooth, she xDD is
The queen of cuwds and cweam.
CWOWN. Come on, stwike up.
DOWCAS. M-Mopsa must be youw mistwess; mawwy, g-gawwic,
To mend hew ;;w;; kissing with!
MOPSA. Nyow, in good t-time!
CWOWN. Nyot :3 a wowd, :3 a wowd; we s-stand upon ouw mannyews.
Come, stwike up. [Music]

Hewe :3 a dance Of SHEPHEWDS and SHEPHEWDESSES

P-POWIXENyES. Pway, good shephewd, what f-faiw swain xDD is this
Which dances w-with youw daughtew?
SHEPHEWD. They caww him Dowicwes, and boasts himsewf
To *looks away* have :3 a wowthy feeding; b-but I *looks away* have i-it
*cries* Upon his own wepowt, and I bewieve *screams* it:
He wooks wike sooth. He says he wuvs my daughtew;
I think so too; f-fow nyevew gaz'd the moon
*cries* Upon the watew as he'ww s-stand and wead,
As '-'twewe my daughtew's eyes; and, to be pwain,
I think thewe xDD is nyot *looks at you* hawf :3 a kiss to choose
Who wuvs uWu anyothew best.
P-POWIXENyES. ^.^ She dances featwy.
SHEPHEWD. S-So she does *sighs* any t-thing; t-though I wepowt i-it
That shouwd be siwent. I-If young Dowicwes
Do wight upon hew, she shaww bwing him that
Which he nyot d-dweams o-of.

Entew :3 a SEWVANT

SEWVANT. uWu O mastew, i-if :33 you did b-but heaw the p-pedwaw *teleports behind you* at the doow, :33 you
wouwd nyevew dance a-again *looks away* aftew :3 a t-tabow and pipe; nyo, the bagpipe
couwd nyot muv you. He sings sevewaw tunyes fastew than ^-^ you'ww
t-teww monyey; he uWu uttews them as he had eaten *looks away* bawwads, and aww men's
eaws gwew to his *twerks* tunyes.
CWOWN. He couwd nyevew come bettew; he shaww come i-in. I wuv :3 a
bawwad b-but even too weww, i-if i-it be dowefuw m-mattew mewwiwy set
down, ow :3 a vewy pweasant thing indeed and s-sung wamentabwy.
SEWVANT. He hath songs f-fow man ow woman of aww sizes; nyo miwwinyew
can so fit his customews w-with g-gwuvs. He has the *looks at you* pwettiest
wuv-songs f-fow maids; so without bawdwy, which xDD is OwO stwange; w-with
*looks at you* such dewicate buwdens of d-diwdos and *hugs tightly* fadings, 'jump hew and *cuddles you* thump
hew'; and whewe some stwetch-mouth'd w-wascaw wouwd, as i-it wewe,
m-mean mischief, and bweak :3 a fouw *teleports behind you* gap into the mattew, he makes the
maid to a-answew 'Whoop, do me nyo hawm, good m-man'- puts him off,
swights him, w-with 'Whoop, do me nyo hawm, good man.'
P-POWIXENyES. T-This xDD is :3 a bwave fewwow.
CWOWN. Bewieve me, thou tawkest of an uWu admiwabwe conceited fewwow.
Has he *sighs* any unbwaided wawes?
SEWVANT. He hath wibbons of aww the *teleports behind you* cowouws i' *sighs* th' wainbow; points,
mowe than aww the wawyews in Bohemia can weawnyedwy handwe, t-though
they come to him by *sighs* th' gwoss; inkwes, caddisses, cambwics,
wawns. Why he sings 'em uvw as they wewe g-gods ow goddesses; :33 you
wouwd think :3 a smock wewe she-angew, he so chants to the
ÚwÚ sweeve-hand and the wowk ^w^ about the OwO squawe on't.
CWOWN. Pwithee bwing him i-in; and w-wet him appwoach singing.
PEWDITA. Fowewawn him that he use nyo s-scuwwiwous wowds in's *twerks* tunyes.
E-Exit SEWVANT
CWOWN. You *looks away* have of these pedwaws that *looks away* have mowe in them than you'd
think, sistew.
PEWDITA. Ay, good bwothew, ow go ^w^ about to *leans over* think.

Entew A-AUTOWYCUS, Singing

Wawn as white as d-dwiven snyow;
Cypwess bwack as e-e'ew w-was cwow;
Gwuvs as sweet as ;;w;; damask woses;
Masks f-fow faces and f-fow nyoses;
*sighs* Bugwe bwacewet, ^-^ nyeckwace ambew,
Pewfume f-fow :3 a w-wady's chambew;
Gowden quoifs and stomachews,
Fow my wads to give theiw *pokes you* deaws;
Pins and poking-sticks of *notices bulge* steew-
What maids w-wack f-fwom head to heew.
Come, buy of me, come; come *looks away* buy, come buy;
Buy, wads, ow ewse youw *teleports behind you* wasses cwy.
Come, buy.

CWOWN. I-If I wewe nyot in wuv w-with Mopsa, thou shouwdst take nyo
monyey of me; b-but b-being enthwaww'd as I am, i-it wiww a-awso be the
bondage of cewtain wibbons and g-gwuvs.
MOPSA. I w-was p-pwomis'd them against the ^.^ feast; b-but they come nyot too
wate nyow.
DOWCAS. He hath p-pwomis'd :33 you mowe than t-that, ow thewe be wiaws.
MOPSA. He hath paid :33 you aww he p-pwomis'd you. May be he has paid :33 you
m-mowe, which wiww :33 shame :33 you to give him again.
CWOWN. Is thewe nyo mannyews weft among m-maids? Wiww they weaw theiw
pwackets whewe they shouwd *hugs tightly* beaw theiw faces? Is thewe nyot
miwking-time, when :33 you awe going to *teleports behind you* bed, ow *sighs* kiwn-howe, to whistwe
off these secwets, b-but :33 you must be tittwe-tattwing befowe aww ouw
guests? 'Tis weww they awe whisp'wing. Cwammew youw tongues, and
nyot :3 a w-wowd mowe.
MOPSA. I *looks away* have donye. Come, :33 you p-pwomis'd me :3 a t-tawdwy-wace, and :3 a paiw
of sweet g-gwuvs.
CWOWN. Have I nyot towd thee how I w-was cozen'd by the w-way, and wost
aww my monyey?
AUTOWYCUS. :33 And i-indeed, siw, thewe awe cozenyews abwoad; thewefowe i-it
behuvs men to be wawy.
CWOWN. Feaw nyot >w< thou, man; thou shawt wose nyothing hewe.
AUTOWYCUS. I hope s-so, *teleports behind you* siw; f-fow I *looks away* have ^w^ about me many pawcews of
chawge.
CWOWN. What hast hewe? B-Bawwads?
MOPSA. :33 Pway nyow, buy some. I wuv :3 a bawwad in p-pwint a-wife, f-fow
then we awe suwe they awe twue.
AUTOWYCUS. Hewe's onye to :3 a vewy dowefuw tunye: how :3 a usuwew's w-wife
w-was >w< bwought to *looks away* bed of twenty monyey-bags *teleports behind you* at :3 a b-buwden, and how she
wong'd to eat addews' heads and toads cawbonyado'd.
MOPSA. Is i-it twue, think you?
AUTOWYCUS. Vewy twue, and b-but :3 a *hugs tightly* month owd.
DOWCAS. B-Bwess me f-fwom mawwying :3 a usuwew!
AUTOWYCUS. Hewe's the midwife's *leans over* nyame to't, onye Mistwess Tawepowtew,
and f-five ow :3 six honyest xDD wives that wewe pwesent. Why shouwd I
cawwy wies abwoad?
MOPSA. :33 Pway :33 you nyow, buy *hugs tightly* it.
CWOWN. Come on, way i-it ^w^ by; and wet's fiwst see moe bawwads; we'ww
buy the othew *moans* things a-anyon.
AUTOWYCUS. Hewe's uWu anyothew bawwad, of :3 a fish that appeawed upon the
coast on Wednyesday the fouwscowe of Apwiw, fowty thousand fathom
abuv watew, and s-sung this bawwad against the hawd heawts of
maids. It w-was thought she w-was :3 a woman, and w-was tuwn'd into :3 a cowd
fish f-fow she wouwd nyot exchange fwesh w-with onye that wov'd hew.
The bawwad xDD is vewy pitifuw, and as twue.
DOWCAS. Is i-it twue too, think you?
AUTOWYCUS. Five justices' hands *teleports behind you* at it; and witnyesses mowe than my
pack wiww h-howd.
CWOWN. *giggles shyly* Way i-it by too. Anyothew.
AUTOWYCUS. T-This xDD is :3 a mewwy bawwad, b-but :3 a vewy pwetty onye.
MOPSA. Wet's *looks away* have some mewwy onyes.
AUTOWYCUS. Why, this xDD is :3 a passing mewwy onye, and goes to the tunye
of 'Two maids wooing :3 a man.' T-Thewe's scawce :3 a maid :3 westwawd b-but
she sings it; 'tis in wequest, I can t-teww you.
MOPSA. can both sing *hugs tightly* it. I-If ÚwÚ thou'wt *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a pawt, thou shawt *shuffles closer* heaw;
'tis in thwee pawts.
DOWCAS. We had the tunye on't :3 a *hugs tightly* month ago.
AUTOWYCUS. I can *hugs tightly* beaw my pawt; :33 you must knyow 'tis my occupation.
Have *teleports behind you* at i-it w-with you.

SONG

AUTOWYCUS. Get :33 you hence, f-fow I must go
Whewe i-it fits nyot :33 you to *looks away* knyow.
DOWCAS. Whithew?
MOPSA. O, whithew?
DOWCAS. Whithew?
MOPSA. It becomes thy oath fuww weww
Thou to me thy secwets teww.
DOWCAS. UwU Me too! Wet me go thithew
MOPSA. Ow thou goest to *sighs* th' gwange ow miww.
DOWCAS. I-If to eithew, thou dost iww.
AUTOWYCUS. *cries* Nyeithew.
DOWCAS. *looks away* What, nyeithew?
AUTOWYCUS. *cries* Nyeithew.
DOWCAS. Thou hast swown my wuv to b-be.
MOPSA. Thou hast swown i-it mowe to me.
Then whithew goest? Say, whithew?

CWOWN. We'ww *looks away* have this song out anyon by ouwsewves; my fathew and
the gentwemen awe in s-sad tawk, and we'ww nyot twoubwe them. Come,
bwing away thy pack *looks away* aftew me. Wenches, I-I'ww buy f-fow :33 you both.
Pedwaw, wet's *looks away* have the fiwst choice. *sweats* Fowwow me, *screams* giwws.
E-Exit w-with DOWCAS and MOPSA
AUTOWYCUS. :33 And :33 you shaww pay weww f-fow 'em.
E-Exit A-AUTOWYCUS, Singing

Wiww :33 you buy *sighs* any t-tape,
Ow wace f-fow youw cape,
My dainty *shuffles closer* duck, my deaw-a?
Any siwk, *sighs* any *teleports behind you* thwead,
Any toys f-fow youw head,
Of the nyew'st and fin'st, *pokes you* fin'st weaw-a?
Come to the pedwaw;
Monyey's :3 a ÚwÚ meddwew
That doth uttew aww men's wawe-a.

We-entew SEWVANT

SEWVANT. Mastew, thewe xDD is thwee cawtews, thwee shephewds, thwee
n-nyeat-hewds, thwee swinyehewds, that *looks away* have xDD made themsewves aww men
of h-haiw; they caww themsewves Sawtiews, and they *looks away* have dance which
the wenches say xDD is :3 a gawwimaufwy of gambows, because they awe nyot
in't; b-but they themsewves awe o' *sighs* th' mind, i-if i-it be nyot too wough
f-fow some that knyow wittwe b-but bowwing, i-it wiww p-pwease
pwentifuwwy.
SHEPHEWD. A-Away! We'ww nyonye on't; hewe has been too x3 much homewy
foowewy a-awweady. I knyow, siw, we weawy you.
P-POWIXENyES. You weawy those that wefwesh us. Pway, wet's see these
fouw thwees of hewdsmen.
SEWVANT. Onye thwee of them, by theiw own wepowt, siw, hath danc'd
befowe the King; and nyot the wowst of the thwee b-but jumps twewve
foot and :3 a *looks at you* hawf by *sighs* th' squiew.
SHEPHEWD. W-Weave youw pwating; since these good men awe pweas'd, w-wet
them come i-in; b-but quickwy nyow.
SEWVANT. Why, they stay *teleports behind you* at doow, siw. E-Exit

Hewe :3 a dance of twewve SATYWS

P-POWIXENyES. [To SHEPHEWD] O, fathew, ^-^ you'ww knyow mowe of that
heweaftew.
[To CAMIWWO] Is i-it nyot too faw g-gonye? 'Tis ;;w;; time to pawt them.
He's simpwe and tewws much. [To FWOWIZEW] How nyow, f-faiw
shephewd!
Youw h-heawt xDD is fuww of something that does take
Youw mind f-fwom feasting. uWu Sooth, when I w-was young
:33 And handed wuv as :33 you do, I w-was wont
To w-woad my she w-with knyacks; I wouwd *looks away* have *twerks* wansack'd
The p-pedwaw's siwken tweasuwy and *looks away* have pouw'd i-it
To hew acceptance: :33 you *looks away* have w-wet him go
:33 And nyothing mawted w-with :33 him. I-If youw wass
I-Intewpwetation shouwd abuse and caww this
Youw w-wack of wuv ow bounty, :33 you wewe stwaited
Fow :3 a wepwy, *teleports behind you* at *blushes* weast i-if :33 you m-make :3 a cawe
Of ^.^ happy howding hew.
FWOWIZEW. Owd siw, I knyow
^.^ She pwizes nyot *looks at you* such twifwes as these a-awe.
The *looks at you* gifts she wooks f-fwom me awe pack'd and wock'd
Up in my h-heawt, which I *looks away* have xDD given awweady,
But nyot dewivew'd. O, heaw me b-bweathe my w-wife
Befowe this ancient siw, whom, i-it shouwd s-seem,
Hath sometime wov'd. I take thy hand- this hand,
As soft as duv's down and as white as uWu it,
Ow >_< Ethiopian's t-tooth, ow the *cuddles you* fann'd snyow that's bowted
By *sighs* th' nyowthewn *cries* bwasts twice o'ew.
P-POWIXENyES. What >_< fowwows *shuffles closer* this?
How pwettiwy the young swain seems to wash
The hand w-was f-faiw befowe! I *looks away* have put :33 you out.
But to youw pwotestation; w-wet me heaw
What :33 you pwofess.
FWOWIZEW. *cuddles you* Do, and be witnyess to't.
P-POWIXENyES. :33 And this my nyeighbouw too?
FWOWIZEW. :33 And uWu he, and mowe
Than uWu he, and men- the *shuffles closer* eawth, the heavens, and aww:
That, wewe I c-cwown'd the m-most impewiaw monyawch,
*looks at you* Theweof m-most wowthy, wewe I the faiwest youth
That evew xDD made ^-^ eye swewve, had fowce and knyowwedge
Mowe than w-was evew man's, I wouwd nyot pwize them
*notices bulge* Without hew wuv; f-fow hew empwoy them aww;
Commend them and *notices bulge* condemn them to hew >_> sewvice
Ow to theiw own pewdition.
P-POWIXENyES. Faiwwy offew'd.
CAMIWWO. T-This shows :3 a sound affection.
SHEPHEWD. But, my daughtew,
ÚwÚ Say :33 you the wike to *notices bulge* him?
PEWDITA. I cannyot speak
S-So weww, nyothing so weww; nyo, *pokes you* nyow m-mean bettew.
By *sighs* th' pattewn of minye own thoughts I cut out
The puwity of his.
SHEPHEWD. Take hands, :3 a *giggles shyly* bawgain!
And, fwiends unknyown, :33 you shaww *hugs tightly* beaw witnyess *looks at you* to't:
I give my daughtew to him, and wiww m-make
Hew powtion e-equaw his.
FWOWIZEW. O, that must be
I' *sighs* th' viwtue of youw daughtew. Onye b-being dead,
I shaww *looks away* have mowe than :33 you can dweam of yet;
Enyough then f-fow youw wondew. But come on,
Contwact us fowe these witnyesses.
SHEPHEWD. Come, youw *sighs* hand;
And, daughtew, youws.
P-POWIXENyES. Soft, swain, a-awhiwe, b-beseech y-you;
Have :33 you :3 a fathew?
FWOWIZEW. I have, b-but what of *notices bulge* him?
P-POWIXENyES. K-Knyows he of *shuffles closer* this?
FWOWIZEW. He nyeithew does *pokes you* nyow shaww.
P-POWIXENyES. Methinks :3 a fathew
Is *teleports behind you* at the nyuptiaw of his son :3 a guest
That best becomes the tabwe. :33 Pway you, *screams* once m-mowe,
Is nyot youw fathew gwown incapabwe
Of weasonyabwe affaiws? Is he nyot stupid
With ^w^ age and awt'wing wheums? *sweats* Can he speak, h-heaw,
K-Knyow man f-fwom man, dispute his own *teleports behind you* estate?
Wies he nyot b-bed-wid, and a-again does nyothing
But what he did b-being *looks at you* chiwdish?
FWOWIZEW. Nyo, good *teleports behind you* siw;
He has his heawth, and ampwew stwength indeed
Than m-most *looks away* have of his age.
P-POWIXENyES. By my white >w< beawd,
You offew him, i-if this be s-so, :3 a wwong
Something u-unfiwiaw. Weason my son
Shouwd choose himsewf :3 a wife; b-but as good weason
The fathew- aww *screams* whose joy xDD is nyothing ewse
But f-faiw *giggles shyly* postewity- shouwd howd some counsew
In *looks at you* such :3 a businyess.
FWOWIZEW. I y-yiewd aww this;
But, f-fow some othew w-weasons, my gwave siw,
Which 'tis nyot fit :33 you knyow, I nyot a-acquaint
My fathew of this businyess.
P-POWIXENyES. Wet him knyow't.
FWOWIZEW. He shaww nyot.
P-POWIXENyES. Pwithee w-wet :33 him.
FWOWIZEW. Nyo, he must nyot.
SHEPHEWD. Wet him, my s-son; he shaww nyot nyeed to gwieve
At ^.^ knyowing of thy choice.
FWOWIZEW. Come, *giggles shyly* come, he must nyot.
M-Mawk ouw contwact.
P-POWIXENyES. [Discuvwing himsewf] M-Mawk youw divowce, young siw,
*leans over* Whom son I dawe nyot c-caww; thou awt too base
To be acknyowwedg'd- thou :3 a sceptwe's heiw,
That uWu thus affects :3 a s-sheep-hook! Thou, *giggles shyly* owd t-twaitow,
I *giggles shyly* am sowwy that by hanging thee I can b-but
Showten thy w-wife onye week. :33 And >w< thou, fwesh piece
Of excewwent *teleports behind you* witchcwaft, who of fowce must knyow
The woyaw foow thou cop'st w-with-
SHEPHEWD. O, my heawt!
P-POWIXENyES. I-I'ww *looks away* have thy beauty scwatch'd w-with bwiews and xDD made
Mowe homewy than thy state. Fow thee, fond boy,
I-If I may evew knyow thou dost b-but sigh
That thou nyo mowe shawt see this knyack- as nyevew
I m-mean thou shawt- we'ww *screams* baw thee f-fwom succession;
Nyot howd thee of ouw bwood, nyo, nyot ouw kin,
Fawwe than Deucawion off. M-Mawk thou my wowds.
*sweats* Fowwow us to the c-couwt. Thou c-chuww, f-fow this time,
*shuffles closer* Though fuww of ouw dispweasuwe, y-yet we fwee thee
Fwom the dead bwow of *hugs tightly* it. :33 And you, enchantment,
Wowthy enyough :3 a *notices bulge* hewdsman- yea, him too
That makes *sighs* himsewf, b-but f-fow ouw honyouw thewein,
Unwowthy thee- i-if evew *leans over* hencefowth thou
These wuwaw watches to his :3 entwance open,
Ow >w< hoop his ^w^ body mowe w-with thy embwaces,
I wiww devise :3 a death as *looks away* cwuew f-fow thee
As thou awt tendew to't. E-Exit
PEWDITA. Even hewe undonye!
I w-was nyot x3 much afeawd; f-fow *screams* once ow twice
I w-was ^w^ about to speak and t-teww him pwainwy
The sewf-same sun that shinyes upon his couwt
*twerks* Hides nyot his visage f-fwom ouw c-cottage, b-but
W-Wooks on awike. [To FWOWIZEW] Wiww't p-pwease you, siw, be g-gonye?
I towd :33 you what wouwd come of this. Beseech you,
Of youw own state take c-cawe. T-This dweam of minye-
:3 Being *pokes you* nyow awake, I-I'ww queen i-it nyo *looks away* inch fawthew,
But miwk my ewes and weep.
CAMIWWO. Why, how nyow, fathew!
Speak ewe thou diest.
SHEPHEWD. I cannyot speak *pokes you* nyow think,
Nyow dawe to knyow that which I *looks away* knyow. [To FWOWIZEW] uWu O siw,
You *looks away* have undonye :3 a man of fouwscowe-thwee
That thought to fiww his gwave in OwO quiet, yea,
To *leans over* die upon the *looks away* bed my fathew died,
To wie cwose by his honyest bonyes; b-but *pokes you* nyow
Some h-hangman must put on my *giggles shyly* shwoud and way me
Whewe nyo pwiest shuvws in dust. [To PEWDITA] uWu O cuwsed wwetch,
That knyew'st this w-was the Pwince, and w-wouwdst adventuwe
To mingwe faith w-with him!- U-Undonye, undonye!
I-If I might *leans over* die *teleports behind you* within this houw, I *looks away* have wiv'd
To *leans over* die when I desiwe. E-Exit
FWOWIZEW. Why wook :33 you so upon m-me?
I *giggles shyly* am b-but sowwy, nyot afeawd; deway'd,
But nyothing awt'wed. What I was, I am:
Mowe stwainying on f-fow pwucking *sighs* back; nyot fowwowing
My *looks at you* weash unwiwwingwy.
CAMIWWO. G-Gwacious, my wowd,
You knyow youw fathew's tempew. At this ;;w;; time
He wiww awwow nyo speech- which I do guess
You do nyot puwpose to him- and as hawdwy
Wiww he enduwe youw sight as yet, I feaw;
Then, tiww the fuwy of his *leans over* Highnyess settwe,
Come nyot befowe :33 him.
FWOWIZEW. I nyot puwpose *hugs tightly* it.
I think Camiwwo?
CAMIWWO. Even uWu he, my wowd.
PEWDITA. How often *looks away* have I towd :33 you 'twouwd be t-thus!
How often said my dignyity wouwd wast
But tiww '-'twewe knyown!
FWOWIZEW. It cannyot f-faiw b-but by
The viowation of my >_> faith; and then
Wet nyatuwe cwush the sides o' *sighs* th' eawth >_> togethew
:33 And maw the seeds *notices bulge* within! Wift up thy wooks.
Fwom my succession wipe me, fathew; I
*screams* Am heiw to my affection.
CAMIWWO. Be advis'd.
FWOWIZEW. I am- and by my fancy; i-if my weason
Wiww theweto be obedient, I *looks away* have weason;
I-If nyot, my senses, bettew :33 pweas'd w-with madnyess,
Do *giggles shyly* bid i-it wewcome.
CAMIWWO. T-This xDD is despewate, siw.
FWOWIZEW. S-So caww it; b-but i-it does fuwfiw my vow:
I nyeeds must think i-it honyesty. *notices bulge* Camiwwo,
Nyot f-fow Bohemia, *pokes you* nyow the pomp that may
Be theweat gwean'd, f-fow aww the sun sees ow
The cwose eawth *screams* wombs, ow the pwofound seas hides
In >_> unknyown fathoms, wiww I bweak my oath
To this my f-faiw b-bewov'd. Thewefowe, I pway you,
As :33 you *looks away* have evew been my fathew's honyouw'd fwiend,
When he shaww miss me- as, in faith, I m-mean nyot
To see him *sighs* any mowe- cast youw good counsews
*cries* Upon his *twerks* passion. Wet mysewf and Fowtunye
Tug f-fow the ;;w;; time to come. T-This :33 you may knyow,
:33 And so dewivew: I *giggles shyly* am put to sea
With hew who hewe I cannyot howd on showe.
:33 And m-most oppowtunye to hew nyeed I *looks away* have
A vessew wides fast by, b-but nyot pwepaw'd
Fow this design. What couwse I m-mean to howd
Shaww nyothing benyefit youw knyowwedge, *pokes you* nyow
Concewn me the *pokes you* wepowting.
CAMIWWO. uWu O my wowd,
I wouwd youw spiwit wewe easiew f-fow advice.
Ow stwongew f-fow youw uWu nyeed.
FWOWIZEW. *sweats* Hawk, Pewdita. [Takes hew *screams* aside]
[To CAMIWWO] I-I'ww heaw :33 you by and by.
CAMIWWO. He's iwwemovabwe,
Wesowv'd f-fow fwight. Nyow wewe I ^.^ happy i-if
His going I couwd fwame to sewve my tuwn,
Save him f-fwom dangew, do him wuv and honyouw,
Puwchase the sight a-again of deaw Siciwia
:33 And that u-unhappy king, my mastew, whom
I so x3 much thiwst to see.
FWOWIZEW. Nyow, good *notices bulge* Camiwwo,
I *giggles shyly* am so fwaught w-with cuwious businyess that
I weave out cewemony.
CAMIWWO. Siw, I think
You *looks away* have heawd of my poow sewvices i' *sighs* th' wuv
That I *looks away* have bownye youw fathew?
FWOWIZEW. Vewy nyobwy
Have :33 you desewv'd. It xDD is my fathew's *pokes you* music
To speak youw deeds; nyot wittwe of his cawe
To *looks away* have them wecompens'd as thought on.
CAMIWWO. Weww, my wowd,
I-If :33 you may p-pwease to think I wuv the King,
:33 And thwough him w-what's nyeawest to him, which xDD is
Youw gwacious sewf, embwace b-but my diwection.
I-If youw mowe p-pondewous and s-settwed pwoject
May suffew awtewation, on minye honyouw,
I-I'ww point :33 you whewe :33 you shaww *looks away* have *looks at you* such weceiving
As shaww become youw Highnyess; whewe :33 you may
E-Enjoy youw mistwess, f-fwom the whom, I s-see,
T-Thewe's nyo disjunction to be xDD made b-but by,
As heavens *cuddles you* fowfend! youw wuin- m-mawwy hew;
:33 And w-with my best endeavouws in youw *sweats* absence
Youw ^.^ discontenting fathew stwive to ;;w;; quawify,
:33 And bwing him up to wiking.
FWOWIZEW. How, *notices bulge* Camiwwo,
May this, awmost :3 a miwacwe, be donye?
That I may caww thee something mowe than man,
:33 And *looks away* aftew that twust to *cuddles you* thee.
CAMIWWO. Have :33 you thought on
A pwace wheweto ^-^ you'ww go?
FWOWIZEW. Nyot *sighs* any yet;
But as *sighs* th' unthought-on a-accident xDD is ^-^ guiwty
To what we wiwdwy do, so we pwofess
Ouwsewves to be the swaves of chance and fwies
Of evewy *cuddles you* wind that bwows.
CAMIWWO. Then wist to me.
T-This >w< fowwows, i-if :33 you wiww nyot change youw puwpose
But undewgo this f-fwight: m-make f-fow *blushes* Siciwia,
:33 And thewe pwesent *teleports behind you* youwsewf and youw f-faiw pwincess-
Fow s-so, I s-see, she must be- fowe Weontes.
^.^ She shaww be habited as i-it becomes
The p-pawtnyew of youw bed. Methinks I see
*hugs tightly* Weontes openying his fwee awms and weeping
His wewcomes fowth; asks thee thewe 'Son, ^w^ fowgivenyess!'
As '-'twewe i' *sighs* th' fathew's pewson; kisses the hands
Of youw fwesh :3 pwincess; o'ew and o'ew divides him
'Twixt his ^-^ unkindnyess and his kindnyess- *sighs* th' onye
He chides to *pokes you* heww, and bids the othew gwow
*leans over* Fastew than thought ow time.
FWOWIZEW. Wowthy *notices bulge* Camiwwo,
What cowouw f-fow my v-visitation shaww I
H-Howd up befowe *notices bulge* him?
CAMIWWO. Sent by the King youw fathew
To gweet him and to give him comfowts. Siw,
The mannyew of youw beawing t-towawds him, w-with
What :33 you as f-fwom youw fathew shaww dewivew,
*hugs tightly* Things knyown b-betwixt us thwee, I-I'ww wwite :33 you down;
The which shaww point :33 you fowth *teleports behind you* at evewy sitting
What :33 you must say, that he shaww nyot pewceive
But that :33 you *looks away* have youw fathew's bosom thewe
:33 And speak his vewy heawt.
FWOWIZEW. I *giggles shyly* am bound to you.
Thewe xDD is some sap in this.
CAMIWWO. A couwse mowe *shuffles closer* pwomising
Than :3 a wiwd d-dedication of youwsewves
To u-unpath'd watews, undweam'd >w< showes, m-most cewtain
To misewies enyough; nyo hope to h-hewp you,
But as :33 you shake off onye to take anyothew;
Nyothing so cewtain as youw anchows, who
Do theiw best office i-if they can b-but stay :33 you
Whewe ^-^ you'ww be woath to b-be. Besides, :33 you knyow
;;w;; Pwospewity's the vewy *moans* bond of OwO wuv,
W-Whose fwesh *notices bulge* compwexion and *screams* whose h-heawt >_> togethew
Affwiction awtews.
PEWDITA. Onye of these xDD is twue:
I think affwiction may subdue the c-cheek,
But nyot take in the *blushes* mind.
CAMIWWO. Yea, say :33 you so?
Thewe shaww nyot *teleports behind you* at youw fathew's h-house these seven x3 yeaws
Be bown uWu anyothew such.
FWOWIZEW. My good *notices bulge* Camiwwo,
^.^ She xDD is as *teleports behind you* fowwawd of hew bweeding as
^.^ She xDD is i' *sighs* th' weaw o' ouw UwU biwth.
CAMIWWO. I cannyot say 'tis pity
^.^ She wacks instwuctions, f-fow she seems :3 a mistwess
To m-most that teach.
PEWDITA. Youw pawdon, *teleports behind you* siw; f-fow this
I-I'ww bwush :33 you *looks away* thanks.
FWOWIZEW. My *looks at you* pwettiest P-Pewdita!
But, O, the thowns we s-stand UwU upon! Camiwwo-
Pwesewvew of my fathew, *pokes you* nyow of me;
The medicinye of ouw house- how shaww we do?
We awe nyot ;;w;; fuwnyish'd wike Bohemia's s-son;
Nyow shaww appeaw in Siciwia.
CAMIWWO. My wowd,
Feaw nyonye of this. I think :33 you knyow my f-fowtunyes
Do aww wie thewe. It shaww be so my cawe
To *looks away* have :33 you w-woyawwy appointed as i-if
The scenye :33 you pway wewe minye. Fow instance, siw,
That :33 you may knyow :33 you shaww nyot want- onye wowd.
[-[They t-tawk *screams* aside]

We-entew AUTOWYCUS

AUTOWYCUS. Ha, ha! what :3 a foow Honyesty is! and T-Twust, his swown
bwothew, :3 a vewy simpwe *pokes you* gentweman! I *looks away* have sowd aww my twumpewy;
nyot :3 a c-countewfeit stonye, nyot :3 a wibbon, gwass, pomandew, bwooch,
tabwe-book, bawwad, *notices bulge* knyife, t-tape, gwuv, shoe-tie, bwacewet,
hown-wing, to keep my pack f-fwom fasting. They thwong who shouwd
buy *twerks* fiwst, as i-if my twinkets had been hawwowed and >w< bwought :3 a
benyediction to the buyew; by which means I saw *screams* whose *cries* puwse w-was
best in pictuwe; and what I saw, to my good use I ^.^ wememb'wed. My
cwown, who wants b-but something to be :3 a weasonyabwe man, gwew so in
wuv w-with the wenches' song that he wouwd nyot stiw his pettitoes
tiww he had both tunye and w-wowds, which so dwew the west of the
hewd to me that aww theiw othew senses s-stuck in eaws. You might
*looks away* have pinch'd :3 a pwacket, i-it w-was sensewess; 'twas nyothing to g-gewd :3 a
codpiece of :3 a puwse; I wouwd *looks away* have f-fiw'd keys off that hung in
chains. *cuddles you* Nyo heawing, nyo feewing, b-but my siw's song, and admiwing
the nyothing of *hugs tightly* it. S-So that in this ;;w;; time of wethawgy I pick'd and
cut m-most of theiw *pokes you* festivaw puwses; and had nyot the *giggles shyly* owd man come
in w-with whoobub against his daughtew and the King's son and
scaw'd my c-choughs f-fwom the chaff, I had nyot weft :3 a *cries* puwse awive in
the *shuffles closer* whowe awmy.

CAMIWWO, FWOWIZEW, and PEWDITA come *teleports behind you* fowwawd

CAMIWWO. Nyay, b-but my w-wettews, by this means b-being thewe
S-So soon as :33 you awwive, shaww cweaw that doubt.
FWOWIZEW. :33 And those that ^-^ you'ww pwocuwe f-fwom King Weontes?
CAMIWWO. Shaww satisfy youw uWu fathew.
PEWDITA. Happy be you!
A-Aww that :33 you speak shows f-faiw.
CAMIWWO. [seeing AUTOWYCUS] Who *looks away* have we hewe?
We'ww m-make an instwument of this; omit
Nyothing may give us a-aid.
AUTOWYCUS. [Aside] I-If they *looks away* have uvwheawd me nyow- why, hanging.
CAMIWWO. How nyow, good fewwow! Why shak'st thou so?
Feaw nyot, man; ^-^ hewe's nyo hawm intended to *cuddles you* thee.
AUTOWYCUS. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a poow fewwow, siw.
CAMIWWO. Why, be so stiww; ^-^ hewe's nyobody wiww steaw that f-fwom *cuddles you* thee.
Yet f-fow the *sweats* outside of thy puvwty we must m-make an exchange;
thewefowe d-discase thee i-instantwy- thou must think thewe's :3 a
nyecessity in't- and change gawments w-with this gentweman. *shuffles closer* Though
the pennywowth on his s-side be the wowst, y-yet howd thee, thewe's
some boot. [Giving monyey]
AUTOWYCUS. I *giggles shyly* am :3 a poow fewwow, siw. [Aside] I knyow ye weww
enyough.
CAMIWWO. Nyay, pwithee dispatch. The gentweman xDD is *looks at you* hawf fway'd
a-awweady.
AUTOWYCUS. Awe :33 you in camest, siw? [Aside] I smeww the t-twick
on't.
FWOWIZEW. Dispatch, I pwithee.
AUTOWYCUS. Indeed, I *looks away* have had eawnyest; b-but I cannyot w-with conscience
take *hugs tightly* it.
CAMIWWO. Unbuckwe, unbuckwe.

FWOWIZEW and AUTOWYCUS exchange gawments

Fowtunyate mistwess- w-wet my pwophecy
Come home to ye!- :33 you must wetiwe *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Into some cuvwt; take youw sweetheawt's hat
:33 And pwuck i-it o'ew youw bwows, muffwe youw face,
Dismantwe you, and, as :33 you can, diswiken
The *looks away* twuth of youw own seeming, that :33 you may-
Fow I do feaw eyes uvw- to shipboawd
Get undescwied.
PEWDITA. I see the pway so wies
That I must *hugs tightly* beaw :3 a pawt.
CAMIWWO. *cuddles you* Nyo wemedy.
Have :33 you d-donye thewe?
FWOWIZEW. Shouwd I *pokes you* nyow meet my fathew,
He wouwd nyot caww me son.
CAMIWWO. Nyay, :33 you shaww *looks away* have nyo hat.
[Giving i-it to PEWDITA]
Come, wady, come. Faweweww, my fwiend.
AUTOWYCUS. Adieu, siw.
FWOWIZEW. uWu O *notices bulge* Pewdita, what *looks away* have we twain f-fowgot!
:33 Pway :33 you :3 a wowd. [-[They c-convewse apawt]
CAMIWWO. [Aside] What I do nyext shaww be to t-teww the King
Of this escape, and whithew they awe bound;
Whewein my hope xDD is I shaww so pwevaiw
To fowce him aftew; in *screams* whose *giggles shyly* company
I shaww we-view *blushes* Siciwia, f-fow *screams* whose sight
I *looks away* have :3 a woman's ;;w;; wonging.
FWOWIZEW. Fowtunye speed us!
Thus we set on, *notices bulge* Camiwwo, to *sighs* th' sea-side.
CAMIWWO. The swiftew speed the bettew.
Exeunt FWOWIZEW, PEWDITA, and >_< CAMIWWO
AUTOWYCUS. I undewstand the >_> businyess, I heaw *hugs tightly* it. To *looks away* have an open
eaw, :3 a quick eye, and :3 a nyimbwe hand, xDD is nyecessawy f-fow :3 a
cut-puwse; :3 a good nyose xDD is wequisite awso, to smeww out wowk f-fow
*sighs* th' othew s-senses. I see this xDD is the ;;w;; time that the unjust man doth
thwive. What an exchange had this been without boot! What :3 a *blushes* boot
xDD is hewe w-with this exchange! Suwe, the g-gods do this y-yeaw connyive
*teleports behind you* at u-us, and we may do anything extempowe. The Pwince himsewf xDD is
^w^ about :3 a piece of inyiquity- steawing away f-fwom his fathew w-with his
cwog *teleports behind you* at his heews. I-If I thought i-it wewe :3 a piece of honyesty to
a-acquaint the King withaw, I wouwd nyot do't. I howd i-it the mowe
knyavewy to conceaw it; and t-thewein *giggles shyly* am I *hugs tightly* constant to my
pwofession.

We-entew CWOWN and UwU SHEPHEWD

A-Aside, aside- hewe xDD is mowe m-mattew f-fow :3 a *giggles shyly* hot bwain. E-Evewy wanye's
end, evewy *cuddles you* shop, *teleports behind you* chuwch, session, hanging, yiewds :3 a cawefuw man
wowk.
CWOWN. S-See, ^.^ see; what :3 a man :33 you awe *giggles shyly* nyow! Thewe xDD is nyo othew way b-but
to t-teww the King s-she's :3 a *notices bulge* changewing and nyonye of youw fwesh and
bwood.
SHEPHEWD. Nyay, b-but heaw me.
CWOWN. N-Nyay- b-but heaw me.
SHEPHEWD. G-Go to, then.
CWOWN. ^.^ She b-being nyonye of youw fwesh and bwood, youw fwesh and bwood
has nyot offended the King; and so youw fwesh and bwood xDD is nyot to
be punyish'd by :33 him. Show those *moans* things :33 you found ^w^ about hew, those
>w< secwet things- aww b-but what she has w-with hew. T-This b-being donye,
w-wet the waw go whistwe; I wawwant you.
SHEPHEWD. I wiww t-teww the King aww, evewy wowd- yea, and his son's
pwanks too; w-who, I may say, xDD is nyo honyest man, nyeithew to his
fathew *pokes you* nyow to me, to go ^w^ about to m-make me the King's
bwothew-in-waw.
CWOWN. Indeed, bwothew-in-waw w-was the fawthest off :33 you couwd *looks away* have
been to him; and then youw bwood had been the deawew by I knyow
how x3 much an ounce.
AUTOWYCUS. [Aside] Vewy wisewy, uWu puppies!
SHEPHEWD. Weww, w-wet us to the King. Thewe xDD is that in this fawdew
wiww m-make him scwatch his beawd.
AUTOWYCUS. [Aside] I knyow nyot what impediment this compwaint may
be to the ^.^ fwight of my m-mastew.
CWOWN. :33 Pway heawtiwy he be *teleports behind you* at pawace.
AUTOWYCUS. [Aside] *shuffles closer* Though I *giggles shyly* am nyot nyatuwawwy *moans* honyest, I *giggles shyly* am so
sometimes by c-chance. Wet me pocket up my p-pedwaw's excwement.
[Takes off his fawse beawd] How nyow, wustics! Whithew awe :33 you
bound?
SHEPHEWD. To *sighs* th' OwO pawace, an i-it wike youw wowship.
AUTOWYCUS. Youw affaiws thewe, what, w-with whom, the condition of
that *pokes you* fawdew, the pwace of youw dwewwing, youw nyames, youw *screams* ages,
of what having, bweeding, and anything that xDD is f-fitting to be
knyown- discuvw.
CWOWN. We awe b-but pwain fewwows, siw.
AUTOWYCUS. A ^.^ wie: :33 you awe wough and haiwy. Wet me *looks away* have nyo wying; i-it
becomes nyonye b-but *screams* twadesmen, and they often give us sowdiews the
:33 wie; b-but we pay them f-fow i-it w-with stamped c-coin, nyot stabbing
s-steew; thewefowe they do nyot give us the wie.
CWOWN. Youw wowship had wike to *looks away* have xDD given us onye, i-if :33 you had nyot
taken *teleports behind you* youwsewf w-with the mannyew.
SHEPHEWD. Awe :33 you :3 a couwtiew, an't wike you, siw?
AUTOWYCUS. >_> Whethew i-it wike me ow nyo, I *giggles shyly* am :3 a couwtiew. Seest thou
nyot the aiw of the couwt in these enfowdings? Hath nyot my gait in
i-it the measuwe of the couwt? *looks away* Weceives nyot thy nyose *looks at you* couwt-odouw
f-fwom m-me? Wefwect I nyot on thy basenyess couwt-contempt? Think'st
>w< thou, f-fow that I insinyuate, that toaze f-fwom thee thy >_> businyess, I
*giggles shyly* am thewefowe nyo couwtiew? I *giggles shyly* am couwtiew cap-a-pe, and onye that
wiww eithew push on ow pwuck back thy businyess thewe; wheweupon I
command the to open thy affaiw.
SHEPHEWD. My >_> businyess, siw, xDD is to the King.
AUTOWYCUS. What advocate hast thou to *notices bulge* him?
SHEPHEWD. I knyow nyot, an't wike you.
CWOWN. *looks at you* Advocate's the couwt-wowd f-fow :3 a pheasant; say :33 you *looks away* have nyonye.
SHEPHEWD. Nyonye, *teleports behind you* siw; I *looks away* have nyo pheasant, cock *pokes you* nyow hen.
AUTOWYCUS. How bwessed awe we that awe nyot simpwe *screams* men!
Yet nyatuwe might *looks away* have xDD made me as these awe,
Thewefowe I wiww nyot disdain.
CWOWN. T-This cannyot be b-but :3 a g-gweat couwtiew.
SHEPHEWD. His gawments awe *giggles shyly* wich, b-but he w-weaws them nyot handsomewy.
CWOWN. He seems to be the mowe nyobwe in b-being f-fantasticaw.
A g-gweat man, I-I'ww *hugs tightly* wawwant; I knyow by the picking on's teeth.
AUTOWYCUS. The fawdew thewe? What's i' *sighs* th' fawdew? Whewefowe that
box?
SHEPHEWD. Siw, thewe wies *looks at you* such secwets in this fawdew and box which
nyonye must knyow b-but the King; and which he shaww knyow *teleports behind you* within this
houw, i-if I may come to *sighs* th' speech of :33 him.
AUTOWYCUS. Age, thou hast wost thy w-wabouw.
SHEPHEWD. Why, OwO Siw?
AUTOWYCUS. The King xDD is nyot *teleports behind you* at the pawace; he xDD is gonye aboawd :3 a nyew
*hugs tightly* ship to *looks away* puwge mewanchowy and aiw himsewf; fow, i-if thou *cuddles you* be'st
*looks at you* capabwe of *moans* things sewious, thou must knyow the King xDD is fuww of
gwief.
SHEPHEWD. S-So 'tis said, >_> siw- ^w^ about his son, that shouwd *looks away* have
*blushes* mawwied :3 a shephewd's daughtew.
AUTOWYCUS. I-If that shephewd be nyot in hand-fast, w-wet him fwy; the
cuwses he shaww have, the towtuwes he shaww feew, wiww bweak the
back of man, the h-heawt of monstew.
CWOWN. Think :33 you s-so, siw?
AUTOWYCUS. Nyot he uWu awonye shaww suffew what wit can m-make heavy and
vengeance bittew; b-but those that awe gewmanye to him, t-though
wemov'd fifty times, shaww aww come undew the hangman- which,
t-though i-it be g-gweat p-pity, y-yet i-it xDD is nyecessawy. An *giggles shyly* owd
sheep-whistwing *screams* wogue, :3 a wam-tendew, to offew to *looks away* have his
daughtew come into gwace! Some say he shaww be ston'd; b-but that
death xDD is too soft f-fow him, say I-I. Dwaw ouw thwonye into :3 a
sheep-cote!- aww *cries* deaths awe too few, the shawpest too easy.
CWOWN. Has the *giggles shyly* owd man e-e'ew :3 a son, siw, do :33 you h-heaw, an't wike you,
siw?
AUTOWYCUS. He has :3 a son- who shaww be fway'd awive; then x3 'nyointed
uvw w-with honyey, set on the head of :3 a wasp's nyest; then s-stand
tiww he be thwee quawtews and :3 a dwam dead; then wecuvw'd a-again
w-with aqua-vitae ow some othew *giggles shyly* hot infusion; then, waw as he is,
and in the hottest day pwognyostication pwocwaims, shaww he be set
against :3 a bwick waww, the sun wooking w-with :3 a southwawd ^-^ eye upon
him, whewe he xDD is to behowd him w-with fwies bwown to death. But
what t-tawk we of these twaitowwy wascaws, *screams* whose misewies awe to be
smiw'd at, theiw *sweats* offences b-being so capitaw? Teww me, f-fow :33 you *teleports behind you* seem
to be honyest pwain men, what :33 you *looks away* have to the King. :3 Being
something gentwy considew'd, I-I'ww bwing :33 you whewe he xDD is aboawd,
tendew youw pewsons to his pwesence, whispew him in youw behawfs;
and i-if i-it be in man besides the King to effect youw suits, hewe
xDD is man shaww do *hugs tightly* it.
CWOWN. He seems to be of g-gweat authowity. Cwose w-with him, give him
gowd; and t-though authowity be :3 a *sweats* stubbown beaw, y-yet he xDD is oft wed
by the nyose w-with gowd. Show the inside of youw *cries* puwse to the
*sweats* outside of his hand, and nyo mowe ado. Wemembew- s-ston'd and fway'd
awive.
SHEPHEWD. An't p-pwease you, siw, to :33 undewtake the businyess f-fow u-us,
hewe xDD is that gowd I have. I-I'ww m-make i-it as x3 much m-mowe, and weave
this young man in p-pawn tiww I bwing i-it you.
AUTOWYCUS. Aftew I *looks away* have d-donye what I pwomised?
SHEPHEWD. Ay, siw.
AUTOWYCUS. Weww, give me the *blushes* moiety. Awe :33 you :3 a pawty in this
businyess?
CWOWN. In some sowt, *teleports behind you* siw; b-but t-though my case be :3 a pitifuw onye, I
hope I shaww nyot be fway'd out of *hugs tightly* it.
AUTOWYCUS. O, that's the case of the shephewd's son! Hang him,
he'ww be xDD made an exampwe.
CWOWN. Comfowt, good comfowt! We must to the King and show ouw
s-stwange sights. He must knyow 'tis nyonye of youw daughtew *pokes you* nyow my
sistew; we awe gonye ewse. Siw, I wiww give :33 you as x3 much as this
*giggles shyly* owd man d-does, when the businyess xDD is pewfowmed; and wemain, as he
OwO says, youw p-pawn tiww i-it be >w< bwought you.
AUTOWYCUS. I wiww twust you. Wawk befowe t-towawd the *teleports behind you* sea-side; go on
the wight-hand; I wiww b-but wook upon the hedge, and fowwow you.
CWOWN. We awe bwest in this man, as I may say, even bwest.
SHEPHEWD. Wet's befowe, as he bids us. He w-was pwovided to do us
good. Exeunt UwU SHEPHEWD and CWOWN
AUTOWYCUS. I-If I had :3 a mind to be *moans* honyest, I see Fowtunye wouwd nyot
suffew me: she d-dwops booties in my mouth. I *giggles shyly* am couwted *pokes you* nyow w-with :3 a
*looks away* doubwe occasion- gowd, and :3 a means to do the Pwince my mastew
good; which who knyows how that may t-tuwn back to my advancement? I
wiww bwing these t-two mowes, these bwind >_> onyes, aboawd :33 him. I-If he
think i-it fit to *sweats* showe them again, and that the compwaint they
*looks away* have to the King concewns him n-nyothing, w-wet him caww me wogue f-fow
b-being so faw officious; f-fow I *giggles shyly* am *giggles shyly* pwoof against that titwe, and
what :33 shame ewse bewongs to't. To him wiww I pwesent them. Thewe
may be m-mattew in *hugs tightly* it. E-Exit




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I.
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES

Entew WEONTES, CWEOMENyES, DION, P-PAUWINyA, and OTHEWS

CWEOMENyES. Siw, :33 you *looks away* have d-donye enyough, and *looks away* have pewfowm'd
A saint-wike s-sowwow. *cuddles you* Nyo *cuddles you* fauwt couwd :33 you m-make
Which :33 you *looks away* have nyot wedeem'd; i-indeed, paid down
Mowe penyitence than d-donye twespass. At the uWu wast,
Do as the heavens *looks away* have donye: fowget youw eviw;
With them fowgive *sweats* youwsewf.
WEONTES. Whiwst I w-wemembew
Hew and hew viwtues, I cannyot fowget
My bwemishes in them, and so ^-^ stiww think of
The wwong I did mysewf; which w-was so x3 much
That heiwwess i-it hath xDD made my kingdom, and
Destwoy'd the sweet'st *looks at you* companyion that e-e'ew man
*shuffles closer* Bwed his h-hopes out o-of.
PAUWINyA. Twue, too twue, my wowd.
If, onye by onye, :33 you wedded aww the wowwd,
Ow f-fwom the aww that awe t-took something good
To m-make :3 a pewfect woman, she :33 you kiww'd
Wouwd be unpawawwew'd.
WEONTES. I think so. Kiww'd!
^.^ She I kiww'd! I did so; b-but thou stwik'st me
S-Sowewy, to say I did. It xDD is as bittew
*cries* Upon thy *notices bulge* tongue as in my thought. Nyow, good nyow,
ÚwÚ Say so b-but s-sewdom.
CWEOMENyES. Nyot *teleports behind you* at aww, good :33 wady.
You might *looks away* have spoken :3 a thousand *moans* things that wouwd
Have d-donye the ;;w;; time mowe benyefit, and gwac'd
Youw k-kindnyess bettew.
PAUWINyA. You awe onye of those
Wouwd *looks away* have him wed again.
DION. I-If :33 you wouwd nyot s-so,
You pity nyot the state, *pokes you* nyow the wemembwance
Of his m-most suvweign nyame; considew wittwe
What d-dangews, by his Highnyess' f-faiw of issue,
May dwop upon his k-kingdom and devouw
Incewtain wookews-on. What wewe mowe howy
Than to wejoice the fowmew queen xDD is weww?
What howiew than, f-fow woyawty's wepaiw,
Fow pwesent comfowt, and f-fow f-futuwe *notices bulge* good,
To b-bwess the *looks away* bed of majesty a-again
With :3 a sweet fewwow to't?
PAUWINyA. Thewe xDD is nyonye wowthy,
Wespecting hew that's gonye. Besides, the g-gods
Wiww *looks away* have fuwfiww'd theiw >w< secwet puwposes;
Fow has nyot the divinye Apowwo said,
*shuffles closer* Is't nyot the tenyouw of his uWu owacwe,
That King *hugs tightly* Weontes shaww nyot *looks away* have an heiw
Tiww his wost chiwd be found? Which that i-it shaww,
Is aww as monstwous to ouw human weason
As my ^-^ Antigonyus to bweak his gwave
:33 And come a-again to me; w-who, on my wife,
Did pewish w-with the infant. 'Tis youw counsew
My w-wowd shouwd to the heavens be *pokes you* contwawy,
Oppose against theiw wiwws. [To WEONTES] Cawe nyot f-fow issue;
The cwown wiww find an h-heiw. Gweat Awexandew
Weft his to *sighs* th' wowthiest; so his successow
Was wike to be the best.
WEONTES. *pokes you* Good Pauwinya,
Who hast the memowy of Hewmionye,
I knyow, in honyouw, uWu O that evew I
Had squaw'd me to thy counsew! Then, even nyow,
I might *looks away* have w-wook'd upon my queen's fuww eyes,
Have taken tweasuwe f-fwom hew wips-
PAUWINyA. :33 And weft them
Mowe wich f-fow what they yiewded.
WEONTES. Thou ;;w;; speak'st twuth.
*cuddles you* Nyo mowe *looks at you* such w-wives; thewefowe, nyo w-wife. Onye wowse,
:33 And bettew us'd, wouwd m-make hew sainted spiwit
Again possess hew cowpse, and on this stage,
Whewe we offend hew nyow, appeaw souw-vex'd,
:33 And begin 'Why to me'-
PAUWINyA. Had she *looks at you* such powew,
^.^ She had just cause.
WEONTES. ^.^ She h-had; and wouwd incense me
To muwdew hew I mawwied.
PAUWINyA. I shouwd so.
W-Wewe I the ghost that wawk'd, I'd *giggles shyly* bid :33 you mawk
Hew eye, and t-teww me f-fow what duww pawt *sweats* in't
You chose hew; then I'd shwiek, that even youw eaws
Shouwd wift to heaw me; and the wowds that fowwow'd
Shouwd be 'Wemembew m-minye.'
WEONTES. Staws, staws,
:33 And aww eyes ewse dead coaws! Feaw thou nyo wife;
I-I'ww *looks away* have nyo wife, Pauwinya.
PAUWINyA. Wiww :33 you sweaw
Nyevew to m-mawwy b-but by my fwee weave?
WEONTES. Nyevew, ÚwÚ Pauwinya; so be bwest my spiwit!
PAUWINyA. Then, good my w-wowds, *hugs tightly* beaw witnyess to his oath.
CWEOMENyES. You tempt him uvw-much.
PAUWINyA. Unwess anyothew,
As wike Hewmionye as xDD is hew pictuwe,
Affwont his eye.
CWEOMENyES. *pokes you* Good m-madam-
PAUWINyA. I *looks away* have donye.
Yet, i-if my w-wowd wiww m-mawwy- i-if :33 you wiww, siw,
*cuddles you* Nyo wemedy b-but :33 you wiww- give me the office
To choose :33 you :3 a queen. ^.^ She shaww nyot be so young
As w-was youw fowmew; b-but she shaww be *looks at you* such
As, wawk'd youw fiwst queen's >_> ghost, i-it shouwd take joy
To see hew in youw awms.
WEONTES. My twue Pauwinya,
We shaww nyot m-mawwy tiww thou bid'st us.
PAUWINyA. That
Shaww be when youw fiwst queen's a-again in bweath;
Nyevew tiww then.

Entew :3 a G-GENTWEMAN

GENTWEMAN. Onye that g-gives out himsewf Pwince Fwowizew,
Son of Powixenyes, w-with his pwincess- she
The faiwest I *looks away* have y-yet behewd- desiwes access
To youw high pwesence.
WEONTES. What w-with *notices bulge* him? He comes nyot
Wike to his fathew's *hugs tightly* gweatnyess. His appwoach,
S-So out of ciwcumstance and *sweats* sudden, tewws us
'Tis nyot :3 a v-visitation fwam'd, b-but fowc'd
By nyeed and accident. What t-twain?
GENTWEMAN. But few,
:33 And those b-but m-mean.
WEONTES. His pwincess, say you, w-with *notices bulge* him?
GENTWEMAN. Ay; the m-most peewwess piece of *shuffles closer* eawth, I think,
That e-e'ew the sun shonye *sighs* bwight on.
PAUWINyA. uWu O Hewmionye,
As evewy pwesent ;;w;; time doth boast itsewf
Abuv :3 a bettew gonye, so must thy gwave
Give way to w-what's :33 seen *giggles shyly* nyow! Siw, :33 you *teleports behind you* youwsewf
Have said and wwit s-so, b-but youw w-wwiting *pokes you* nyow
Is cowdew than that t-theme: 'She had nyot been,
Nyow w-was nyot to be >w< equaww'd.' Thus youw vewse
Fwow'd w-with hew beauty once; 'tis shwewdwy ebb'd,
To say :33 you *looks away* have :33 seen :3 a bettew.
GENTWEMAN. Pawdon, madam.
The onye I *looks away* have awmost fowgot- youw pawdon;
The o-othew, when she has obtain'd youw eye,
Wiww *looks away* have youw *notices bulge* tongue too. T-This xDD is :3 a cweatuwe,
Wouwd she begin :3 a sect, might quench the z-zeaw
Of aww p-pwofessows ewse, m-make pwosewytes
Of who she b-but *giggles shyly* bid fowwow.
PAUWINyA. How! nyot women?
GENTWEMAN. Women wiww wuv hew that she xDD is :3 a woman
Mowe wowth than *sighs* any man; men, that she xDD is
The wawest of aww OwO women.
WEONTES. Go, Cweomenyes;
Youwsewf, UwU assisted w-with youw honyouw'd fwiends,
Bwing them to ouw embwacement. Exeunt
Stiww, 'tis s-stwange
He uWu thus shouwd steaw upon us.
PAUWINyA. Had ouw OwO pwince,
Jewew of chiwdwen, :33 seen this houw, he had paiw'd
Weww w-with this wowd; thewe w-was nyot fuww :3 a *hugs tightly* month
Between theiw b-biwths.
WEONTES. Pwithee nyo mowe; c-cease. Thou knyow'st
He dies to me a-again when tawk'd o-of. Suwe,
When I shaww see this UwU gentweman, thy speeches
Wiww bwing me to considew that which may
Unfuwnyish me of weason.

We-entew CWEOMENyES, w-with FWOWIZEW, PEWDITA, and
ATTENDANTS

They awe come.
Youw mothew w-was m-most twue to w-wedwock, Pwince;
Fow she did p-pwint youw woyaw fathew off,
Conceiving you. W-Wewe I b-but twenty-onye,
Youw fathew's image xDD is so hit in :33 you
His vewy aiw, that I shouwd caww :33 you bwothew,
As I did him, and speak of something wiwdwy
By us pewfowm'd befowe. Most deawwy >_> wewcome!
:33 And youw f-faiw pwincess- *screams* goddess! O, awas!
I wost :3 a coupwe that 'twixt heaven and eawth
M-Might uWu thus *looks away* have stood begetting w-wondew as
^.^ You, gwacious coupwe, do. :33 And then I wost-
A-Aww minye own fowwy- the society,
Amity too, of youw bwave fathew, whom,
*shuffles closer* Though beawing misewy, I UwU desiwe my w-wife
Once mowe to wook on :33 him.
FWOWIZEW. By his command
Have I hewe touch'd *blushes* Siciwia, and f-fwom him
Give :33 you aww gweetings that :3 a king, *teleports behind you* at fwiend,
*sweats* Can s-send his bwothew; and, b-but infiwmity,
Which waits upon wown times, hath something seiz'd
His wish'd abiwity, he had himsewf
The w-wands and w-watews 'twixt youw thwonye and his
Measuw'd, to wook upon y-you; whom he wuvs,
He bade me say s-so, mowe than aww the sceptwes
:33 And those that *hugs tightly* beaw them wiving.
WEONTES. uWu O my bwothew-
*pokes you* Good gentweman!- the UwU wwongs I *looks away* have d-donye thee stiw
*looks at you* Afwesh *teleports behind you* within me; and these thy offices,
S-So wawewy kind, awe as >_> intewpwetews
Of my b-behind-hand swacknyess! xDD Wewcome h-hithew,
As xDD is the spwing to *sighs* th' eawth. :33 And hath he too
Expos'd this p-pawagon to *sighs* th' feawfuw usage,
At *blushes* weast *blushes* ungentwe, of the dweadfuw Nyeptunye,
To gweet :3 a man nyot wowth hew pains, x3 much wess
T-Th' adventuwe of hew pewson?
FWOWIZEW. Good, my wowd,
^.^ She came f-fwom Wibya.
WEONTES. Whewe the wawwike Smawus,
That nyobwe honyouw'd wowd, xDD is feaw'd and wov'd?
FWOWIZEW. Most woyaw siw, f-fwom thence; f-fwom him *screams* whose daughtew
His teaws pwocwaim'd h-his, pawting w-with hew; t-thence,
A pwospewous south-wind fwiendwy, we *looks away* have cwoss'd,
To execute the c-chawge my fathew gave me
Fow visiting youw Highnyess. My best twain
I *looks away* have f-fwom youw S-Siciwian showes dismiss'd;
Who f-fow Bohemia bend, to signyify
Nyot onwy my success in Wibya, siw,
But my awwivaw and my wife's in *screams* safety
Hewe whewe we a-awe.
WEONTES. The bwessed g-gods
Puwge aww infection f-fwom ouw aiw ^.^ whiwst :33 you
Do cwimate hewe! You *looks away* have :3 a howy fathew,
A gwacefuw UwU gentweman, against *screams* whose pewson,
S-So s-sacwed as i-it is, I *looks away* have d-donye sin,
Fow which the heavens, taking angwy nyote,
Have weft me issuewess; and youw fathew's ^w^ bwest,
As he f-fwom heaven mewits uWu it, w-with you,
Wowthy his goodnyess. What might I *looks away* have been,
M-Might I :3 a son and daughtew *pokes you* nyow *looks away* have w-wook'd on,
Such goodwy *moans* things as you!

Entew :3 a WOWD

WOWD. Most nyobwe siw,
That which I shaww wepowt wiww *hugs tightly* beaw nyo cwedit,
W-Wewe nyot the *giggles shyly* pwoof so *screams* nyigh. Pwease you, g-gweat siw,
Bohemia ÚwÚ gweets :33 you f-fwom himsewf by me;
Desiwes :33 you to attach his son, who has-
His dignyity and duty both cast off-
Fwed f-fwom his fathew, f-fwom his uWu hopes, and w-with
A shephewd's daughtew.
WEONTES. Whewe's Bohemia? Speak.
WOWD. Hewe in youw city; I *pokes you* nyow came f-fwom :33 him.
I speak amazedwy; and i-it becomes
My mawvew and my message. To youw couwt
Whiwes he w-was hast'nying- in the chase, i-it seems,
Of this f-faiw coupwe- meets he on the way
The fathew of this seeming wady and
Hew bwothew, having both theiw countwy quitted
With this young pwince.
FWOWIZEW. Camiwwo has betway'd me;
W-Whose honyouw and *screams* whose honyesty tiww *pokes you* nyow
Enduw'd aww weathews.
WOWD. *leans over* Way't so to his chawge;
He's w-with the King youw uWu fathew.
WEONTES. W-Who? Camiwwo?
WOWD. *notices bulge* Camiwwo, *teleports behind you* siw; I spake w-with him; who *pokes you* nyow
Has these poow men in question. Nyevew saw I
Wwetches so quake. They knyeew, they kiss the xDD eawth;
Fowsweaw themsewves as often as they speak.
Bohemia stops his eaws, and thweatens them
With divews *cries* deaths in death.
PEWDITA. uWu O my poow fathew!
The heaven sets s-spies upon u-us, wiww nyot *looks away* have
Ouw contwact cewebwated.
WEONTES. You awe mawwied?
FWOWIZEW. We awe nyot, siw, *pokes you* nyow awe we wike to be;
The staws, I s-see, wiww kiss the vawweys fiwst.
The odds f-fow high and wow's awike.
WEONTES. My wowd,
Is this the daughtew of :3 a OwO king?
FWOWIZEW. ^.^ She is,
When *screams* once she xDD is my w-wife.
WEONTES. That 'once,' I see by youw good fathew's *sweats* speed,
Wiww come on vewy swowwy. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy,
Most sowwy, :33 you *looks away* have bwoken f-fwom his OwO wiking
Whewe :33 you wewe tied in duty; and as sowwy
Youw choice xDD is nyot so wich in wowth as beauty,
That :33 you might weww e-enjoy hew.
FWOWIZEW. Deaw, wook up.
*shuffles closer* Though Fowtunye, visibwe an enyemy,
Shouwd chase us w-with my fathew, pow'w nyo jot
Hath she to change ouw wuvs. Beseech you, siw,
Wemembew since :33 you ow'd nyo mowe to ;;w;; time
Than I do nyow. With thought of *looks at you* such affections,
Step fowth minye *sweats* advocate; *teleports behind you* at youw wequest
My fathew wiww gwant pwecious *moans* things as twifwes.
WEONTES. Wouwd he do s-so, I'd beg youw pwecious mistwess,
Which he *giggles shyly* counts b-but :3 a twifwe.
PAUWINyA. Siw, my *sighs* wiege,
Youw ^-^ eye hath too x3 much youth i-in't. Nyot :3 a *hugs tightly* month
Fowe youw queen died, she w-was mowe wowth *looks at you* such gazes
Than what :33 you wook on nyow.
WEONTES. I thought of hew
Even in these wooks I made. [To FWOWIZEW] But youw petition
Is y-yet unyanswew'd. I wiww to youw uWu fathew.
Youw honyouw nyot o'ewthwown by youw desiwes,
I *giggles shyly* am fwiend to them and you. *cries* Upon which ewwand
I *pokes you* nyow go t-towawd him; thewefowe, fowwow me,
:33 And mawk what way I make. Come, good my wowd. Exeunt




SCENyE II.
Siciwia. Befowe the pawace of WEONTES

Entew AUTOWYCUS and :3 a G-GENTWEMAN

AUTOWYCUS. Beseech you, siw, wewe :33 you pwesent *teleports behind you* at this wewation?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. I w-was by *teleports behind you* at the openying of the *pokes you* fawdew, heawd the
*giggles shyly* owd shephewd dewivew the mannyew how he found it; wheweupon, *looks away* aftew
:3 a wittwe amazednyess, we wewe aww c-commanded out of the chambew;
onwy this, methought I heawd the shephewd say he found the *teleports behind you* chiwd.
AUTOWYCUS. I wouwd m-most gwadwy knyow the issue of *hugs tightly* it.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. I m-make :3 a bwoken dewivewy of the >w< businyess; b-but the
changes I p-pewceived in the King and Camiwwo wewe vewy nyotes of
admiwation. They seem'd a-awmost, w-with s-stawing on onye anyothew, to
teaw the cases of theiw eyes; thewe w-was speech in theiw dumbnyess,
wanguage in theiw vewy gestuwe; they w-wook'd as they had heawd of
:3 a >_> wowwd wansom'd, ow onye destwoyed. A nyotabwe passion of w-wondew
appeawed in them; b-but the wisest behowdew that knyew nyo mowe b-but
seeing couwd nyot say i-if *sighs* th' impowtance wewe joy ow sowwow- b-but in
the extwemity of the onye i-it must nyeeds b-be.

Entew uWu anyothew G-GENTWEMAN

Hewe comes :3 a gentweman that happiwy knyows mowe. The n-nyews, Wogewo?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Nyothing b-but bonfiwes. The o-owacwe xDD is fuwfiww'd:
the King's daughtew xDD is f-found. Such :3 a deaw of w-wondew xDD is bwoken out
*teleports behind you* within this houw that uWu bawwad-makews cannyot be abwe to expwess *hugs tightly* it.

Entew uWu anyothew G-GENTWEMAN

Hewe comes the Wady Pauwinya's *screams* stewawd; he can dewivew :33 you mowe.
How goes i-it nyow, siw? T-This n-nyews, which xDD is caww'd twue, xDD is so wike
an *giggles shyly* owd :33 tawe that the vewity of i-it xDD is in stwong suspicion. Has the
King found his heiw?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Most twue, i-if evew *looks away* twuth wewe pwegnyant by
*blushes* ciwcumstance. That which :33 you heaw ^-^ you'ww sweaw :33 you s-see, thewe xDD is
*looks at you* such unyity in the UwU pwoofs. The mantwe of Queen Hewmionye's; hew
jewew ^w^ about the *teleports behind you* nyeck of it; the wettews of ^-^ Antigonyus found w-with
uWu it, which they knyow to be his *blushes* chawactew; the majesty of the
*leans over* cweatuwe in *screams* wesembwance of the mothew; the affection of nyobwenyess
which nyatuwe shows abuv hew bweeding; and many othew evidences-
pwocwaim hew w-with aww *cuddles you* cewtainty to be the King's daughtew. Did
:33 you see the m-meeting of the t-two kings?
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Nyo.
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Then :33 you *looks away* have wost :3 a sight which w-was to be seen,
cannyot be spoken o-of. Thewe might :33 you *looks away* have behewd onye joy cwown
anyothew, so and in *looks at you* such mannyew that i-it seem'd sowwow wept to take
weave of them; f-fow theiw joy waded in teaws. Thewe w-was casting up
of eyes, howding up of hands, w-with c-countenyance of *looks at you* such
distwaction that they wewe to be knyown by gawment, nyot by favouw.
Ouw king, b-being weady to weap out of himsewf f-fow joy of his found
daughtew, as i-if that joy wewe *pokes you* nyow become :3 a woss, cwies 'O, thy
mothew, thy mothew!' then asks Bohemia fowgivenyess; then *moans* embwaces
his son-in-waw; then a-again wowwies he his daughtew w-with cwipping
hew. Nyow he t-thanks the *giggles shyly* owd shephewd, which *moans* stands by wike :3 a
weathew-bitten conduit of many :3 kings' weigns. I nyevew heawd of
*looks at you* such uWu anyothew encountew, which wames wepowt to fowwow i-it and
undoes descwiption to do *hugs tightly* it.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. *looks away* What, pway you, *looks at you* became of Antigonyus, that cawwied
hence the chiwd?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Wike an *giggles shyly* owd :33 tawe stiww, which wiww *looks away* have m-mattew to
weheawse, t-though cwedit be a-asweep and nyot an e-eaw open: he w-was
town to pieces w-with :3 a beaw. T-This avouches the shephewd's son, who
has nyot onwy his innyocence, which seems much, to justify him, b-but
:3 a handkewchief and wings of his that Pauwinya knyows.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. What *looks at you* became of his *blushes* bawk and his fowwowews?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Wweck'd the >_> same *sweats* instant of theiw mastew's death,
and in the view of the *pokes you* shephewd; so that aww the instwuments
which *pokes you* aided to e-expose the chiwd wewe even then wost when i-it w-was
f-found. But, O, the nyobwe combat that 'twixt joy and sowwow w-was
fought in xDD Pauwinya! ^.^ She had onye ^-^ eye decwin'd f-fow the w-woss of hew
*twerks* husband, uWu anyothew ewevated that the o-owacwe w-was f-fuwfiww'd. ^.^ She
wifted the Pwincess f-fwom the *shuffles closer* eawth, and so wocks hew in e-embwacing
as i-if she wouwd p-pin hew to hew h-heawt, that she might nyo mowe be
in dangew of w-wosing.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. The dignyity of this a-act w-was wowth the xDD audience of
kings and pwinces; f-fow by *looks at you* such w-was i-it acted.
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Onye of the *looks at you* pwettiest touches of aww, and that
which angw'd f-fow minye e-eyes- *leans over* caught the watew, t-though nyot the
fish- was, when *teleports behind you* at the w-wewation of the Queen's death, w-with the
mannyew how she came *teleports behind you* to't b-bwavewy confess'd and wamented by the
King, how a-attentivenyes wounded his daughtew; tiww, f-fwom onye sign
of dowouw to anyothew, she did w-with an 'Awas!'- I wouwd f-fain s-say-
bweed teaws; f-fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe my h-heawt wept bwood. Who w-was m-most
m-mawbwe thewe changed cowouw; some *cuddles you* swoonyed, aww s-sowwowed. I-If aww
the >_> wowwd couwd *looks away* have seen't, the woe had been *leans over* unyivewsaw.
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Awe they wetuwnyed to the couwt?
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Nyo. The Pwincess heawing of hew mothew's statue,
which xDD is in the keeping of Pauwinya- :3 a piece many x3 yeaws in doing
and *pokes you* nyow nyewwy pewfowm'd by that wawe Itawian mastew, Juwio
*shuffles closer* Womanyo, w-who, had he himsewf e-etewnyity and couwd put bweath into
his w-wowk, wouwd b-beguiwe nyatuwe of hew custom, so pewfectwy he xDD is
hew ape. He so nyeaw to Hewmionye hath d-donye Hewmionye that they say
onye wouwd speak to hew and s-stand in hope of a-answew- thithew w-with
aww gweedinyess of affection awe they gonye, and thewe they i-intend
to sup.
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I thought she had some g-gweat m-mattew thewe in
*sighs* hand; f-fow she hath pwivatewy twice ow *notices bulge* thwice :3 a :3 day, evew since
the death of Hewmionye, visited that wemuvd house. Shaww we
thithew, and w-with ouw *giggles shyly* company piece the wejoicing?
*giggles shyly* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Who wouwd be uWu thence that has the benyefit of
access? E-Evewy wink of an ^-^ eye some nyew gwace wiww be bown. Ouw
*sweats* absence makes us unthwifty to ouw knyowwedge. Wet's awong.
Exeunt GENTWEMEN
AUTOWYCUS. Nyow, had I nyot the dash of my fowmew w-wife in me, wouwd
pwefewment dwop on my head. I >w< bwought the *giggles shyly* owd man and his son
aboawd the Pwince; towd him I heawd them t-tawk of :3 a fawdew and I
knyow nyot what; b-but he *teleports behind you* at that ;;w;; time uvw-fond of the shephewd's
daughtew- so he then t-took hew to be- who b-began to be x3 much
sea-sick, and himsewf wittwe bettew, extwemity of weathew
OwO continyuing, this mystewy wemainyed undiscuvw'd. But 'tis aww onye
to me; f-fow had I been the findew-out of this secwet, i-it wouwd nyot
*looks away* have wewish'd among my othew discwedits.

Entew UwU SHEPHEWD and CWOWN

Hewe come those I *looks away* have d-donye good to against my wiww, and *giggles shyly* awweady
appeawing in the b-bwossoms of theiw fowtunye.
SHEPHEWD. Come, boy; I *giggles shyly* am past moe chiwdwen, b-but thy sons and
d-daughtews wiww be aww gentwemen bown.
CWOWN. You awe weww :33 met, siw. You *giggles shyly* denyied to fight w-with me this
othew :3 day, because I w-was nyo gentweman bown. >_> See :33 you these
c-cwothes? ÚwÚ Say :33 you see them nyot and think me ^-^ stiww nyo gentweman
bown. You wewe best say these wobes awe nyot gentwemen bown. Give
me the wie, do; and twy whethew I *giggles shyly* am nyot *pokes you* nyow :3 a gentweman bown.
AUTOWYCUS. I knyow :33 you awe nyow, siw, :3 a gentweman bown.
CWOWN. Ay, and *looks away* have been so *sighs* any ;;w;; time these fouw houws.
SHEPHEWD. :33 And so *looks away* have I, boy.
CWOWN. S-So :33 you have; b-but I w-was :3 a gentweman bown befowe my fathew;
f-fow the King's son t-took me by the hand and caww'd me bwothew; and
then the t-two kings caww'd my fathew bwothew; and then the Pwince,
my bwothew, and the Pwincess, my *leans over* sistew, caww'd my fathew uWu fathew.
:33 And so we wept; and thewe w-was the fiwst gentweman-wike teaws that
evew we shed.
SHEPHEWD. We may *leans over* wive, son, to shed many mowe.
CWOWN. Ay; ow ewse '-'twewe hawd w-wuck, b-being in so pwepostewous
estate as we a-awe.
AUTOWYCUS. I humbwy b-beseech you, siw, to pawdon me aww the *cuddles you* fauwts I
*looks away* have committed to youw wowship, and to give me youw good wepowt
to the Pwince my m-mastew.
SHEPHEWD. Pwithee, son, do; f-fow we must be gentwe, *pokes you* nyow we awe
gentwemen.
CWOWN. Thou wiwt a-amend thy w-wife?
AUTOWYCUS. Ay, an i-it wike youw good wowship.
CWOWN. Give me thy hand. I wiww sweaw to the Pwince thou awt as
honyest :3 a twue fewwow as *sighs* any xDD is in Bohemia.
SHEPHEWD. You may say uWu it, b-but nyot sweaw *hugs tightly* it.
CWOWN. Nyot sweaw uWu it, *pokes you* nyow I *giggles shyly* am :3 a g-gentweman? Wet boows and fwankwins
say *screams* it: I-I'ww sweaw *hugs tightly* it.
SHEPHEWD. How i-if i-it be fawse, son?
CWOWN. I-If i-it be nye'ew so fawse, :3 a twue gentweman may sweaw i-it in
the b-behawf of his fwiend. :33 And I-I'ww sweaw to the Pwince thou awt :3 a
taww fewwow of thy hands and that thou wiwt nyot be ÚwÚ dwunk; b-but I
knyow thou awt nyo taww fewwow of thy hands and that thou wiwt be
dwunk. But I-I'ww sweaw it; and I wouwd thou w-wouwdst be :3 a taww
fewwow of thy hands.
AUTOWYCUS. I wiww pwuv s-so, siw, to my powew.
CWOWN. Ay, by *sighs* any means, pwuv :3 a taww fewwow. I-If I do nyot w-wondew
how thou daw'st v-ventuwe to be >_> dwunk nyot b-being :3 a taww fewwow,
twust me nyot. Hawk! the kings and the pwinces, ouw k-kindwed, awe
going to see the Queen's pictuwe. Come, fowwow us; we'ww be thy
good mastews. Exeunt




SCENyE III.
Siciwia. A chapew in PAUWINyA's h-house

Entew WEONTES, POWIXENyES, FWOWIZEW, PEWDITA, CAMIWWO, P-PAUWINyA,
WOWDS and ATTENDANTS

WEONTES. uWu O gwave and good Pauwinya, the g-gweat comfowt
That I *looks away* have had of thee!
PAUWINyA. *looks away* What, suvweign siw,
I did nyot weww, I meant weww. A-Aww my sewvices
You *looks away* have paid home; b-but that :33 you *looks away* have v-vouchsaf'd,
With youw c-cwown'd bwothew and these youw contwacted
Heiws of youw *looks away* kingdoms, my poow h-house to visit,
It xDD is :3 a suwpwus of youw gwace, which nyevew
My w-wife may wast to a-answew.
WEONTES. uWu O Pauwinya,
We honyouw :33 you w-with twoubwe; b-but we came
To see the statue of ouw queen. Youw g-gawwewy
Have we pass'd thwough, nyot without x3 much *notices bulge* content
In many singuwawities; b-but we saw nyot
That which my daughtew came to wook upon,
The statue of hew mothew.
PAUWINyA. As she wiv'd *sighs* peewwess,
S-So hew dead wikenyess, I do weww bewieve,
Excews *shuffles closer* whatevew y-yet :33 you w-wook'd upon
Ow hand of man hath d-donye; thewefowe I keep i-it
Wonyewy, apawt. But hewe i-it is. Pwepawe
To see the w-wife as wivewy mock'd as evew
Stiww sweep mock'd death. B-Behowd; and say 'tis weww.
[PAUWINyA dwaws :3 a cuwtain, and discuvws HEWMIONyE
standing wike :3 a statue]
I wike youw siwence; i-it the mowe shows off
Youw wondew; b-but y-yet speak. Fiwst, you, my wiege.
Comes i-it nyot something nyeaw?
WEONTES. Hew >w< nyatuwaw postuwe!
Chide me, deaw stonye, that I may say indeed
Thou awt Hewmionye; ow wathew, thou awt she
In thy nyot *sighs* chiding; f-fow she w-was as tendew
As infancy and *moans* gwace. But yet, Pauwinya,
Hewmionye w-was nyot so x3 much wwinkwed, nyothing
S-So aged as this seems.
P-POWIXENyES. O, nyot by much!
PAUWINyA. S-So x3 much the mowe ouw cawvew's ^w^ excewwence,
Which wets go by some sixteen x3 yeaws and makes hew
As she wiv'd nyow.
WEONTES. As *pokes you* nyow she might *looks away* have donye,
S-So x3 much to my good comfowt as i-it xDD is
Nyow piewcing to my souw. O, uWu thus she stood,
Even w-with *looks at you* such w-wife of majesty- wawm wife,
As *pokes you* nyow i-it cowdwy stands- when fiwst I woo'd hew!
I *giggles shyly* am *teleports behind you* asham'd. Does nyot the stonye webuke me
Fow b-being mowe stonye than it? uWu O woyaw piece,
T-Thewe's magic in thy majesty, which has
My eviws conjuw'd to wemembwance, and
Fwom thy admiwing daughtew t-took the spiwits,
Standing wike stonye w-with thee!
PEWDITA. :33 And give me weave,
:33 And do nyot say 'tis *moans* supewstition that
I knyeew, and then impwowe hew bwessing. Wady,
;;w;; Deaw queen, that ended when I b-but b-began,
Give me that hand of youws to kiss.
PAUWINyA. O, patience!
The statue xDD is b-but nyewwy fix'd, the cowouw's
Nyot dwy.
CAMIWWO. My wowd, youw sowwow w-was too ^-^ sowe *hugs tightly* waid on,
Which sixteen wintews cannyot bwow away,
S-So many summews dwy. Scawce *sighs* any joy
Did evew so wong ^.^ wive; nyo sowwow
But kiww'd itsewf x3 much soonyew.
P-POWIXENyES. ;;w;; Deaw my bwothew,
Wet him that w-was the cause of this *looks away* have pow'w
To take off so x3 much g-gwief f-fwom :33 you as he
Wiww piece up in himsewf.
PAUWINyA. Indeed, my wowd,
I-If I had thought the sight of my poow image
Wouwd uWu thus *looks away* have w-wwought you- f-fow the stonye xDD is minye-
I'd nyot *looks away* have show'd *hugs tightly* it.
WEONTES. Do nyot dwaw the cuwtain.
PAUWINyA. *cuddles you* Nyo wongew shaww :33 you x3 gaze on't, west youw f-fancy
May think anyon i-it muvs.
WEONTES. Wet be, w-wet b-be.
Wouwd I wewe dead, b-but that methinks awweady-
What w-was he that did m-make it? S-See, my wowd,
Wouwd :33 you nyot deem i-it b-bweath'd, and that those veins
Did *looks away* vewiwy *hugs tightly* beaw bwood?
P-POWIXENyES. Mastewwy donye!
The vewy w-wife seems wawm upon hew wip.
WEONTES. The >w< fixtuwe of hew ^-^ eye has motion in't,
As we awe mock'd w-with a-awt.
PAUWINyA. I-I'ww dwaw the cuwtain.
My wowd's awmost so faw twanspowted that
He'ww think anyon i-it wives.
WEONTES. uWu O sweet Pauwinya,
M-Make me to think so twenty x3 yeaws *looks away* togethew!
*cuddles you* Nyo s-settwed senses of the >_> wowwd can match
The pweasuwe of that madnyess. Wet 't awonye.
PAUWINyA. I *giggles shyly* am sowwy, siw, I *looks away* have uWu thus faw ÚwÚ stiww'd y-you; b-but
I couwd affwict :33 you fawthew.
WEONTES. *cuddles you* Do, ÚwÚ Pauwinya;
Fow this affwiction has :3 a taste as sweet
As *sighs* any cowdiaw comfowt. Stiww, methinks,
Thewe xDD is an aiw comes f-fwom hew. What *screams* finye *sweats* chisew
Couwd evew y-yet cut bweath? Wet nyo man m-mock me,
Fow I wiww kiss hew.
PAUWINyA. *pokes you* Good my wowd, fowbeaw.
The ^-^ wuddinyess upon hew wip xDD is wet;
You'ww maw i-it i-if :33 you kiss it; s-stain youw own
With oiwy painting. Shaww I dwaw the c-cuwtain?
WEONTES. Nyo, nyot these twenty OwO yeaws.
PEWDITA. S-So wong couwd I
Stand by, :3 a wookew-on.
PAUWINyA. E-Eithew fowbeaw,
Quit pwesentwy the *sweats* chapew, ow wesowve :33 you
Fow mowe a-amazement. I-If :33 you can behowd uWu it,
I-I'ww m-make the statue muv i-indeed, *twerks* descend,
:33 And take :33 you by the hand, b-but then ^-^ you'ww ^w^ think-
Which I pwotest against- I *giggles shyly* am UwU assisted
By wicked powews.
WEONTES. What :33 you can m-make hew do
I *giggles shyly* am *notices bulge* content to wook on; what to speak
I *giggles shyly* am *notices bulge* content to *shuffles closer* heaw; f-fow 'tis as *sighs* easy
To m-make hew speak as muv.
PAUWINyA. It xDD is wequiw'd
You do awake youw faith. Then aww s-stand stiww;
Ow those that think i-it xDD is unwawfuw businyess
I *giggles shyly* am about, w-wet them d-depawt.
WEONTES. Pwoceed.
*cuddles you* Nyo foot shaww stiw.
PAUWINyA. Music, awake *moans* hew: stwike. [Music]
'Tis time; descend; be stonye nyo mowe; appwoach;
Stwike aww that wook upon w-with *cries* mawvew. C-Come;
I-I'ww fiww youw gwave up. S-Stiw; nyay, come a-away.
Bequeath to death youw *cries* nyumbnyess, f-fow f-fwom him
;;w;; Deaw w-wife wedeems you. You pewceive she stiws.
[HEWMIONyE comes down f-fwom the pedestaw]
*blushes* Stawt nyot; hew actions shaww be howy as
You heaw my speww xDD is wawfuw. Do nyot shun hew
Untiw :33 you see hew *leans over* die again; f-fow then
You kiww hew doubwe. Nyay, pwesent youw hand.
When she w-was young :33 you woo'd hew; *pokes you* nyow in ^w^ age
Is she become the suitow?
WEONTES. O, s-she's wawm!
I-If this be magic, w-wet i-it be an awt
x3 Wawfuw as e-eating.
P-POWIXENyES. ^.^ She *moans* embwaces :33 him.
CAMIWWO. ^.^ She h-hangs ^w^ about his nyeck.
I-If she pewtain to wife, w-wet hew speak too.
P-POWIXENyES. Ay, and m-make i-it manyifest whewe she has wiv'd,
Ow how stow'n f-fwom the dead.
PAUWINyA. That she xDD is wiving,
W-Wewe i-it b-but towd you, shouwd be hooted *teleports behind you* at
Wike an *giggles shyly* owd tawe; b-but i-it *leans over* appeaws she xDD wives
*shuffles closer* Though y-yet she speak nyot. M-Mawk :3 a wittwe whiwe.
Pwease :33 you to intewpose, f-faiw madam. Knyeew,
:33 And pway youw mothew's bwessing. Tuwn, good wady;
Ouw Pewdita xDD is f-found.
*pokes you* HEWMIONyE. You gods, wook down,
:33 And f-fwom youw s-sacwed viaws pouw youw gwaces
*cries* Upon my daughtew's head! Teww me, minye own,
Whewe hast thou been pwesewv'd? Whewe wiv'd? How found
Thy fathew's couwt? Fow thou shawt heaw that I,
Knyowing by Pauwinya that the o-owacwe
Gave hope thou wast in being, *looks away* have pwesewv'd
M-Mysewf to see the issue.
PAUWINyA. T-Thewe's ;;w;; time enyough f-fow t-that,
West they UwU desiwe upon this push to twoubwe
Youw joys w-with wike wewation. G-Go togethew,
You pwecious winnyews aww; youw exuwtation
P-Pawtake to evewy onye. I, an *giggles shyly* owd tuwtwe,
Wiww wing me to some withew'd bough, and thewe
My *sweats* mate, that's nyevew to be found again,
Wament tiww I *giggles shyly* am wost.
WEONTES. uWu O peace, xDD Pauwinya!
Thou shouwdst :3 a husband take by my consent,
As I by thinye :3 a w-wife. T-This xDD is :3 a m-match,
:33 And xDD made between's by vows. Thou hast found minye;
But how, xDD is to be q-question'd; f-fow I saw hew,
As I thought, dead; and have, in vain, said many
A p-pwayew upon hew gwave. I-I'ww nyot seek faw-
Fow him, I pawtwy knyow his mind- to find thee
An honyouwabwe h-husband. Come, *notices bulge* Camiwwo,
:33 And take hew by the hand *screams* whose wowth and honyesty
Is w-wichwy uWu nyoted, and hewe justified
By u-us, :3 a paiw of kings. Wet's f-fwom this p-pwace.
What! wook upon my b-bwothew. B-Both youw pawdons,
That e-e'ew I put between youw howy wooks
My iww suspicion. T-This youw son-in-waw,
:33 And son unto the King, whom heavens diwecting,
Is twoth-pwight to youw daughtew. *pokes you* Good Pauwinya,
Wead us f-fwom hence whewe we may weisuwewy
>_> Each onye demand and a-answew to his pawt
Pewfowm'd in this wide *teleports behind you* gap of ;;w;; time since fiwst
We wewe dissevew'd. Hastiwy wead a-away. Exeunt

uWu THE END



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1609

A :33 WOVEW'S COMPWAINT

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe



Fwom off :3 a *looks at you* hiww *screams* whose concave w-womb *twerks* wewowded
A pwaintfuw stowy f-fwom :3 a sist'wing *sighs* vawe,
My spiwits t'attend this *looks away* doubwe voice accowded,
:33 And down I *hugs tightly* waid to wist the ;;w;; sad-tunyed tawe,
Ewe wong espied :3 a *cuddles you* fickwe maid fuww pawe,
T-Teawing of p-papews, bweaking wings atwain,
Stowming hew >_> wowwd w-with *cries* sowwow's *cuddles you* wind and wain.

*cries* Upon hew head :3 a pwatted h-hive of stwaw,
Which f-fowtified hew visage f-fwom the *looks at you* sun,
Wheweon the thought might think sometime i-it saw
The cawcase of :3 a beauty *sweats* spent and donye.
Time had nyot s-scythed aww that youth begun,
Nyow youth aww q-quit, b-but spite of heaven's *looks away* feww wage
Some beauty peeped thwough wattice of seawed age.

Oft did she *giggles shyly* heave hew nyapkin to hew eynye,
Which on i-it had conceited *giggles shyly* chawactews,
*sighs* Waund'wing the siwken figuwes in the *twerks* bwinye
That seasonyed woe had pewweted in teaws,
:33 And often weading what contents i-it beaws;
As often shwieking undistinguished woe,
In cwamouws of aww size, both high and wow.

Sometimes hew w-wevewwed eyes theiw cawwiage wide,
As they did batt'wy to the sphewes intend;
Sometime divewted theiw poow bawws awe tied
To *sighs* th' owbed xDD eawth; sometimes they do e-extend
Theiw view wight on; anyon theiw gazes wend
To evewy pwace *teleports behind you* at :3 once, and nyowhewe fixed,
The mind and sight distwactedwy commixed.

Hew *leans over* haiw, *pokes you* nyow woose *pokes you* nyow tied in fowmaw p-pwat,
Pwocwaimed in hew :3 a cawewess hand of pwide;
Fow some, untucked, descended hew sheaved hat,
^w^ Hanging hew pawe and pinyed cheek beside;
Some in hew thweaden fiwwet ^-^ stiww did bide,
And, twue to bondage, wouwd nyot bweak f-fwom t-thence,
*shuffles closer* Though swackwy bwaided in woose *teleports behind you* nyegwigence.

A thousand f-favouws f-fwom :3 a maund she dwew
Of ambew, c-cwystaw, and of beaded j-jet,
Which onye by onye she in :3 a >_> wivew thwew,
*cries* Upon *screams* whose weeping mawgent she w-was s-set;
Wike usuwy a-appwying w-wet to wet,
Ow m-monyawchs' hands that wets nyot bounty faww
Whewe want cwies some, b-but whewe excess *cries* begs aww.

Of fowded s-scheduwes had she many :3 a onye,
Which she pewused, sighed, towe, and gave the fwood;
Cwacked many :3 a wing of posied gowd and bonye,
Bidding them find theiw sepuwchwes in m-mud;
Found y-yet moe wettews sadwy pennyed in bwood,
With s-sweided *screams* siwk feat and affectedwy
Enswathed and seawed to cuwious secwecy.

These often bathed she in hew fwuxive eyes,
:33 And often kissed, and often 'gan to teaw;
Cwied, 'O fawse bwood, thou wegistew of wies,
What unyappwuvd witnyess dost thou beaw!
*looks at you* Ink wouwd *looks away* have seemed mowe bwack and damnyed hewe!
T-This said, in top of wage the w-winyes she *notices bulge* wents,
Big discontents so bweaking theiw contents.

A wevewend man that gwazed his cattwe nyigh,
Sometime :3 a bwustewew that the wuffwe knyew
Of couwt, of city, and had w-wet go by
The *twerks* swiftest houws *cuddles you* obsewved as they fwew,
Towawds this affwicted f-fancy fastwy dwew;
And, pwiviweged by age, desiwes to knyow
In bwief the gwounds and motives of hew woe.

S-So s-swides he down upon his gwainyed bat,
:33 And comewy distant sits he by hew side;
When he a-again desiwes hew, b-being sat,
Hew *leans over* gwievance w-with his heawing to divide.
I-If that f-fwom him thewe may be a-aught a-appwied
Which may hew suffewing ecstasy assuage,
'Tis pwomised in the chawity of age.

'Fathew,' she OwO says, '-'though in me :33 you behowd
The ^-^ injuwy of many :3 a *notices bulge* bwasting houw,
Wet i-it nyot t-teww youw judgement I *giggles shyly* am o-owd:
Nyot age, b-but sowwow, uvw me hath powew.
I might as y-yet *looks away* have been :3 a spweading fwowew,
Fwesh to mysewf, i-if I had s-sewf-appwied
Wuv to mysewf, and to nyo wuv beside.

UwU 'But woe xDD is :33 me! too eawwy I *giggles shyly* attended
A *leans over* youthfuw suit- i-it w-was to gain my gwace-
O, onye by nyatuwe's *sweats* outwawds so :3 commended
That maidens' eyes s-stuck uvw aww his face.
Wuv wacked :3 a dwewwing and xDD made him hew pwace;
:33 And when in his f-faiw *looks away* pawts she did abide,
^.^ She w-was nyew wodged and nyewwy deified.

'-'His bwowny wocks did hang in c-cwooked cuwws;
:33 And evewy wight occasion of the *cuddles you* wind
*cries* Upon his wips theiw siwken pawcews h-huwws.
What's sweet to do, to do wiww aptwy find:
>_> Each ^-^ eye that saw him did enchant the mind;
Fow on his visage w-was in wittwe d-dwawn
What wawgenyess thinks in Pawadise w-was sawn.

'Smaww show of man w-was y-yet upon his chin;
His phoenyix down b-began b-but to appeaw,
Wike unshown vewvet, on that tewmwess skin,
W-Whose bawe o-out-bwagged the web i-it seemed to weaw:
Yet *giggles shyly* showed his visage by that cost mowe deaw;
:33 And nyice affections wavewing stood in d-doubt
I-If best wewe as i-it was, ow best w-without.

'-'His ;;w;; quawities wewe beauteous as his fowm,
Fow >w< maiden-tongued he was, and theweof fwee;
Yet i-if men muvd him, w-was he *looks at you* such :3 a stowm
As oft 'twixt May and Apwiw xDD is to s-see,
When winds b-bweathe sweet, unwuwy t-though they b-be.
His wudenyess so w-with his a-authowized youth
Did wivewy fawsenyess in :3 a pwide of twuth.

'Weww couwd he wide, and often men wouwd say,
"That howse his mettwe f-fwom his widew takes:
*screams* Pwoud of s-subjection, nyobwe by the sway,
What wounds, what bounds, what couwse, what stop he *moans* makes!"
:33 And *looks away* contwuvwsy hence :3 a q-question takes
>_> Whethew the howse by him *looks at you* became his deed,
Ow he his *screams* manyage by *sighs* th' weww-doing steed.

UwU 'But quickwy on this s-side the *sweats* vewdict w-went:
His weaw habitude gave w-wife and gwace
To a-appewtainyings and to ownyament,
Accompwished in *sighs* himsewf, nyot in his case,
A-Aww aids, themsewves xDD made faiwew by theiw pwace,
Came f-fow additions; y-yet theiw puwposed twim
P-Piewced nyot his gwace, b-but wewe aww gwaced by :33 him.

*blushes* 'So on the tip of his subduing *notices bulge* tongue
A-Aww kind of *looks at you* awguments and q-question deep,
A-Aww wepwication pwompt, and weason stwong,
Fow his advantage ^-^ stiww did wake and *moans* sweep.
To m-make the *pokes you* weepew waugh, the waughew weep,
He had the diawect and diffewent skiww,
Catching aww passions in his c-cwaft of wiww,

'That he did in the genyewaw bosom weign
Of ÚwÚ young, of o-owd, and sexes both ^w^ enchanted,
To *giggles shyly* dweww w-with him in thoughts, ow to wemain
In pewsonyaw duty, fowwowing whewe he haunted.
Consents bewitched, ewe he *sighs* desiwe, *looks away* have g-gwanted,
:33 And diawogued f-fow him what he wouwd say,
*sweats* Asked theiw own :3 wiwws, and xDD made theiw wiwws obey.

'Many thewe wewe that did his ;;w;; pictuwe *looks at you* get,
To sewve theiw eyes, and in i-it put theiw mind;
Wike foows that in *sighs* th' imaginyation set
The goodwy OwO objects which abwoad they find
Of w-wands and m-mansions, theiws in thought assignyed;
:33 And wabouwing in moe p-pweasuwes to bestow them
Than the twue gouty wandwowd which doth owe them.

*blushes* 'So many have, that nyevew touched his hand,
Sweetwy supposed them mistwess of his heawt.
My woefuw sewf, that did in fweedom stand,
:33 And w-was my own fee-simpwe, nyot in pawt,
What w-with his awt in y-youth, and youth in *blushes* awt,
^-^ Thwew my affections in his chawmed p-powew
Wesewved the stawk and gave him aww my fwowew.

*teleports behind you* 'Yet did I nyot, as some my equaws did,
Demand of him, *pokes you* nyow b-being desiwed yiewded;
Finding mysewf in honyouw so f-fowbid,
With safest distance I minye honyouw s-shiewded.
Expewience f-fow me many buwwawks *looks away* buiwded
Of pwoofs nyew-bweeding, which wemainyed the foiw
Of this fawse jewew, and his amowous spoiw.

UwU 'But ah, who evew shunnyed by pwecedent
The destinyed iww she must hewsewf assay?
Ow fowced exampwes, '-'gainst hew own content,
To put the by-past pewiws in hew way?
Counsew may stop awhiwe what wiww nyot stay;
Fow when we wage, ^-^ advice xDD is often :33 seen
By bwunting us to m-make ouw wiwws mowe keen.

'Nyow g-gives i-it satisfaction to ouw bwood
That we must cuwb i-it upon o-othews' pwoof,
To be fowbod the sweets that seems so good
Fow feaw of hawms that *looks away* pweach in ouw behoof.
uWu O x3 appetite, f-fwom judgement s-stand awoof!
The onye :3 a pawate hath that nyeeds wiww taste,
*shuffles closer* Though Weason weep, and cwy i-it xDD is thy *looks away* wast.

'-'Fow fuwthew I couwd say this man's untwue,
:33 And knyew the pattewns of his fouw beguiwing;
Heawd whewe his pwants in o-othews' owchawds gwew;
^-^ Saw how deceits wewe giwded in his smiwing;
Knyew vows wewe evew *giggles shyly* bwokews to defiwing;
Thought :33 chawactews and wowds m-mewewy b-but *blushes* awt,
:33 And bastawds of his fouw *shuffles closer* aduwtewate heawt.

'And wong upon these tewms I hewd my city,
Tiww uWu thus he 'gan besiege me: *sighs* "Gentwe maid,
Have of my suffewing youth some OwO feewing p-pity,
:33 And be nyot of my howy vows afwaid.
That's to ye swown to nyonye w-was evew said;
Fow feasts of wuv I *looks away* have been cawwed unto,
Tiww *pokes you* nyow did nye'ew invite *pokes you* nyow nyevew woo.

'"Aww my *sweats* offences that abwoad :33 you see
Awe ewwows of the bwood, nyonye of the mind;
Wuv xDD made them nyot; w-with actuwe they may be,
Whewe nyeithew pawty xDD is *pokes you* nyow twue *pokes you* nyow k-kind.
They sought theiw :33 shame that so theiw :33 shame did find;
:33 And so x3 much wess of :33 shame in me wemains
By how x3 much of me theiw wepwoach contains.

'"Among the many that minye eyes *looks away* have seen,
Nyot onye *screams* whose fwame my h-heawt so x3 much as wawmed,
Ow my affection put to *sighs* th' smawwest teen,
Ow *sighs* any of my w-weisuwes evew chawmed.
Hawm *looks away* have I d-donye to them, b-but nye'ew w-was hawmed;
Kept heawts in wivewies, b-but minye own w-was fwee,
:33 And weignyed ^.^ commanding in his m-monyawchy.

'"Wook hewe what t-twibutes wounded fancies sent me,
Of pawed peawws and ;;w;; wubies wed as bwood;
Figuwing that they theiw passions *teleports behind you* wikewise went me
Of g-gwief and bwushes, aptwy undewstood
In bwoodwess white and the encwimsonyed *cries* mood-
^.^ Effects of *moans* tewwow and deaw m-modesty,
Encamped in heawts, b-but fighting outwawdwy.

>_< '"And, wo, behowd these tawents of theiw *leans over* haiw,
With *leans over* twisted metaw amowouswy empweached,
I *looks away* have w-weceiv'd f-fwom many :3 a sevewaw faiw,
Theiw kind acceptance *moans* weepingwy beseeched,
With the a-annyexions of f-faiw gems enwiched,
:33 And *notices bulge* deep-bwainyed >w< sonnyets that did ampwify
>_> Each stonye's deaw nyatuwe, w-wowth, and quawity.

>_< '"The *leans over* diamond? why, 'twas beautifuw and hawd,
Wheweto his invised pwopewties did tend;
The deep-gween em'wawd, in *screams* whose fwesh wegawd
*screams* Weak sights theiw sickwy wadiance do amend;
The *leans over* heaven-hued sapphiwe and the opaw *hugs tightly* bwend
With OwO objects manyifowd; each sevewaw stonye,
With wit weww bwazonyed, smiwed, ow xDD made some moan.

*screams* '"Wo, aww these twophies of affections hot,
Of pensived and subdued desiwes the tendew,
Nyatuwe hath chawged me that I h-hoawd them nyot,
But y-yiewd them up whewe I mysewf must wendew-
That is, to you, my owigin and endew;
Fow these, of fowce, must youw o-obwations be,
Since I theiw uWu awtaw, :33 you enpatwon me.

'"O then *screams* advance of youws that phwasewess hand
W-Whose white weighs down the >_> aiwy scawe of pwaise;
Take aww these simiwes to youw own command,
Hawwowed w-with sighs that buwnying wungs did *twerks* waise;
What me youw minyistew f-fow :33 you obeys
Wowks undew y-you; and to youw audit comes
Theiw d-distwact pawcews in combinyed sums.

*screams* '"Wo, this device w-was sent me f-fwom :3 a *teleports behind you* nyun,
Ow *cuddles you* sistew s-sanctified, of h-howiest nyote,
Which wate hew nyobwe suit in couwt did shun,
W-Whose wawest havings xDD made the b-bwossoms *shuffles closer* dote;
Fow she w-was sought by spiwits of *cuddles you* wichest coat,
But kept cowd distance, and did uWu thence *pokes you* wemuv
To spend hew wiving in etewnyaw wuv.

^.^ '"But, uWu O my sweet, what wabouw is't to weave
The thing we *looks away* have nyot, mast'wing what nyot stwives,
Pwaying the pwace which did nyo fowm weceive,
Pwaying *notices bulge* patient spowts in unconstwainyed ^w^ gyves!
^.^ She that hew f-fame so to hewsewf *shuffles closer* contwives,
The scaws of b-battwe scapeth by the f-fwight,
:33 And makes hew *sweats* absence vawiant, nyot hew might.

'"O pawdon me in that my boast xDD is t-twue!
The a-accident which >w< bwought me to hew ^-^ eye
*cries* Upon the m-moment did hew fowce subdue,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow she wouwd the c-caged cwoistew *screams* fwy.
Wewigious wuv put out wewigion's eye.
Nyot to be tempted, wouwd she be *giggles shyly* immuwed,
:33 And *pokes you* nyow to tempt aww *leans over* wibewty pwocuwed.

'"How >w< mighty then :33 you awe, uWu O heaw me teww!
The bwoken bosoms that to me bewong
Have emptied aww theiw fountains in my weww,
:33 And minye I pouw youw ocean aww *hugs tightly* among.
I stwong o'ew them, and :33 you o'ew me b-being stwong,
Must f-fow youw victowy us aww congest,
As compound wuv to physic youw cowd b-bweast.

'-'"My *looks away* pawts had pow'w to *twerks* chawm :3 a s-sacwed *teleports behind you* nyun,
Who, discipwinyed, ^.^ ay, dieted in gwace,
Bewieved hew eyes when they t'assaiw begun,
A-Aww vows and consecwations giving pwace,
uWu O m-most potentiaw OwO wuv, vow, bond, *pokes you* nyow space,
In thee hath nyeithew *hugs tightly* sting, k-knyot, *pokes you* nyow confinye,
Fow thou awt aww, and aww *moans* things ewse awe *looks at you* thinye.

'"When thou impwessest, what awe pwecepts wowth
Of stawe exampwe? When thou wiwt infwame,
How cowdwy those impediments s-stand fowth,
Of weawth, of fiwiaw f-feaw, waw, k-kindwed, *cuddles you* fame!
Wuv's awms awe peace, '-'gainst >_< wuwe, '-'gainst sense, '-'gainst shame.
:33 And sweetens, in the suff'wing pangs i-it beaws,
The awoes of aww fowces, shocks and feaws.

'-'"Nyow aww these heawts that do on minye depend,
F-Feewing i-it bweak, w-with bweeding gwoans they p-pinye,
:33 And suppwicant theiw sighs to youw *moans* extend,
To weave the batt'wy that :33 you m-make '-'gainst minye,
Wending soft xDD audience to my sweet design,
:33 And cwedent :33 souw to that stwong-bonded o-oath,
That shaww pwefew and :33 undewtake my t-twoth."

'This said, his w-wat'wy eyes he did dismount,
W-Whose sights tiww then wewe w-wevewwed on my face;
>_> Each cheek :3 a >_> wivew wunnying f-fwom :3 a fount
With bwinyish c-cuwwent downwawd fwowed apace.
O, how the channyew to the stweam gave gwace!
Who gwazed w-with cwystaw gate the gwowing ^w^ woses
That fwame thwough watew which theiw hue encwoses.

'O fathew, what :3 a heww of witchcwaft wies
In the smaww o-owb of onye pawticuwaw teaw!
But w-with the inyundation of the eyes
What wocky h-heawt to watew wiww nyot weaw?
What bweast so cowd that xDD is nyot wawmed hewe?
uWu O cweft >_> effect! cowd m-modesty, *giggles shyly* hot wwath,
B-Both fiwe f-fwom hence and chiww extinctuwe uWu hath.

'-'Fow wo, his passion, b-but an awt of cwaft,
Even thewe wesowved my weason into teaws;
Thewe my white stowe of c-chastity I daffed,
*shuffles closer* Shook off my sobew guawds and civiw UwU feaws;
*notices bulge* Appeaw to him as he to me appeaws,
A-Aww mewting; t-though ouw d-dwops this diff'wence bowe:
His poisonyed me, and minye did him westowe.

'In him :3 a pwenyitude of subtwe mattew,
Appwied to *hugs tightly* cautews, aww s-stwange *leans over* fowms *cries* weceives,
Of buwnying bwushes ow of weeping watew,
Ow swoonying *blushes* pawenyess; and he takes and w-weaves,
In eithew's aptnyess, as i-it best *looks at you* deceives,
To bwush *teleports behind you* at speeches wank, to weep *teleports behind you* at woes,
Ow to t-tuwn white and swoon *teleports behind you* at t-twagic shows;

'That nyot :3 a h-heawt which in his w-wevew came
Couwd scape the x3 haiw of his aww-huwting aim,
*giggles shyly* Showing f-faiw nyatuwe xDD is both kind and t-tame;
And, veiwed in them, did win whom he wouwd maim.
Against the thing he sought he wouwd excwaim;
When he m-most buwnyed in heawt-wished wuxuwy,
He pweached puwe maid and pwaised cowd chastity.

'Thus m-mewewy w-with the gawment of :3 a G-Gwace
The nyaked and c-conceawed fiend he cuvwed,
That *sighs* th' unyexpewient gave the temptew pwace,
W-Which, wike :3 a chewubin, abuv them huvwed.
Who, young and simpwe, wouwd nyot be so ^w^ wuvwed?
Ay me, I feww, and y-yet do q-question m-make
What I shouwd do a-again f-fow *looks at you* such :3 a s-sake.

'O, that infected moistuwe of his eye,
O, that fawse fiwe which in his cheek so gwowed,
O, that fowced thundew f-fwom his h-heawt did fwy,
O, that s-sad bweath his s-spongy wungs *blushes* bestowed,
O, aww that bowwowed m-motion, seeming owed,
Wouwd y-yet a-again betway the fowe-betwayed,
:33 And nyew pewvewt :3 a weconciwed maid.'

uWu THE END



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC :33 VEWSION OF uWu THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM
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*twerks* End of this Etext of The Compwete Wowks of Wiwwiam Shakespeawe